Build The Relationship You WANT

I was working with a couple recently who are in the midst of dissolving a long-term relationship. At one point in the conversation, one of them said, “I’m so sad and angry that, with all these years we had together, we just couldn’t get it together…work our stuff out.” There’s many reasons why that often is the case for couples, but I’ve come to see that if you find yourself in that boat, on any level, it’s probably because you’ve been waiting for something.

This handsome Dude you see on the left recently gave me a HUGE reminder of another cost of waiting…for love, for the “right time,” for when you feel “safe” enough, etc. Let me introduce you to Michael Anthony Childress.

Mike has been a friend, a member of one of the Men’s Groups I lead, an extremely accomplished ICU/Critical Care Nurse for over 15 years, an ex-husband, a former football player, a lover of fast cars, an irreverent smart-ass, and an extremely loving Soul who constantly was trying to figure out what this Love thing was all about…’cos it seemed to him that he just couldn’t “figure that s**t out” (to quote Mike directly).

Last Monday, on the 18th, after wondering why Mike hadn’t shown up to our men’s meeting on the 14th, and after having left him several messages, I found out that Mike had died of a sudden massive heart attack 2 days previous to our meeting, at the age of 45. This wonderfully loving man had been laying on his living room floor for several days before being found. I am quite sure it wasn’t in Mike’s plans that day – especially given how hard he worked out every day for years to create a body that was in incredible shape – to be getting ready to go to the gym, and literally drop dead.

In fact, what I imagine was more on Mike’s mind was what he’d do after the workout, what he’d be doing next to find a new nursing job, how he was going to make it back from one of the hardest years of his life. Mike was like a lot of us…in the face of things going badly where they were, his first tendency was to try to out-think the circumstances…to come up with better strategies…to try/work harder at making things work out.

Yet, after the last year of hell he’d been through, he’d had a revelation that I trust and hope allowed him to leave this life happier…he learned that trying to control his life and ignore what his heart was telling him and needing was a s**tty strategy. He learned that the one thing that had been so hard for him – letting people support him and love on him – was what made the biggest difference in turning his life back in the direction of high self-love and a comeback-in-the-making that inspired me and all of us who knew him. This made it all the harder to make sense of him suddenly dying when it all was finally starting to go in the direction he longed for.

So, why am Itaking up your precious time having you read about a guy that mattered to me, but you didn’t know from Adam? Because the best way I know to honor my friend is to have his seemingly meaningless death, at such a young age, have meaning beyond what he could’ve imagined. Here’s what I suggest that meaning and value can be for you, as it surely is for me.

You often hear platitudes about making the most of each day, because you never know when it’s going to be your last. You know it’s good advice, but the mind kicks in with its arrogant belief that you’ll be the one to cheat it somehow…or, at least, that you’ll live for decades more. You may be lamenting why you can’t get a relationship to work out…or, how come you can’t seem to feel too excited or inspired with the one you have…with you, your partner, your life.

You might be trying to figure that out…andodds are, you’rewaiting for something….for the perfect partner to show up that meets every single thing on your wish list for a lover. Maybe you’re waiting until you get that next promotion, that next pay jump that will give you the extra money you need to be able to finally start creating “The Dream.” Maybe you’re waiting until you get through the next deadline to take your partner and/or your kids on that road trip where you’ll just be able to have fun and connect. Maybe, you’re waiting until your ego-mind assures you you’re absolutly guaranteed enough of being safe that you’ll finally start letting people see – and love – who you REALLY are.

I’m not saying all this to discount the importance and value of getting things done, being in action to create the life you want, etc. What I AM saying this for is to encourage you to re-look at what it’s all for…is what you’re trying to create in your life being driven by the highest priority being survival or to serve love in myriad ways? I just read a survey that says a LOT of people expect to maybe enjoy 10% of their life, and are just passing time until the end, hoping it won’t suck as bad as they fear it could. I don’t know how real that number really is, but what I know from working with so many people over the last 17 years is that it may not be THAT far off….and that breaks my heart and, hopefully, would break yours.

In my opinion, the way to avoid becoming a part of that statistic is to make love your top priority…don’t wait for love to suddenly arrive or for the “perfect” or convenient time to give love to yourself and others…hell, what would your life be like if you found a way, by hook or by crook, to love on someone even when you feel like crap? We KNOW it makes you feel better! Don’t wait until you have time, or convenience, to call the person you just thought of that you haven’t talked with in a long time…if you thought of them out of the blue, it’s because your Spirit knows you need to connect with that person for reasons you don’t know…or, even need to know.

Stop waiting for love and make it…have sex with your partner to heal separation, instead of waiting to not feel separate to get in the mood. Call people. Write someone you love a quick note telling them three things you love about them (or better yet, call them and tell them). Stop what you’re doing and just tell your kids you love them and why. Do the same for yourself.

Don’t be a statistic…be the love that you were born to be and don’t wait. Mike reminded me of that, and I’m joining you in making that the top priority that can guide me – and must – in all that I create and open to.

When you hear the expression, “Love is blind,” what do you normally think of first?Do you conjure up an image of blind dates from hell? Does it bring up a rationale for overlooking something about someone (or yourself) that you really ought not to be overlooking? Is it a pathway to be able to find something to love in your partner that drives you batty more often than not? Maybe it’s the phrase you use to truly believe that love is enough to overcome anything and everything.

What I find a lot in my work wtih couples is that “love is blind” would be more accurately stated as “love is important enough to stay blind, so you don’t lose it and don’t look where it might be uncomfortable.”

When couples get together, there’s so much of the initial infatuation/lust that truly is blind…you can start feeling such strong emotions and drives without really having much of a clear sense of why you feel that way…you just do. The feelings are SO strong, we let them carry us away and transport us to an emotionally and hormonally driven run down a semi-blind trajectory to what we’re sure will be romantic Nirvana. But, sure as Carter’s got liver pills, when that bio-chemical fever dream wears off, you get down to where the rubber really meets the road…building, growing, and nurturing a thriving relationship versus a “good” one…which is what most people I see have come to settle for.

This is where love can’t afford to be blind. Whether you’ve been together for 3 years or 30, I’ve found that one of the single biggest causes of relationship discord is what you don’t say…and, not so much what you don’t say to your partner, but what you’re not saying to yourself first!

Most couples I’ve met, when they really dig down into the truth within themselves, have KNOWN their relationship was not in great shape. Yet, by the time things have gotten bad enough to actively (and often desparately) seek help, the stagnancy has already gotten pretty thick, often with a high level of resentment to go with it…resentment that often can be the death knell to possibility and to the relationship itself.

Why is that, you may be wondering (or not)?

In my opinion, it’s often due to a few key factors that are consistent among most couples that I’ve helped out:

You’re terrified of pain

You don’t want to see what you don’t want to see in yourself (good, as well as not so good, by the way)

You’ve gotten complacent with where you are in your life, and aren’t willing to risk discomfort by challenging status quo

Your fear has lulled you into believing that a good relationship isn’t one that’s great, but is one that doesn’t suck…period, or more than it has in the past.

You’ve forgotten that you have the inherent strength to stare change squarely in the eye and embrace it as the only alternative to being part of the walking dead or numb, even if it scares the wee-wee out of you.

I certainly can say that any or all of these have been factors that have been part of where I’ve been astonished at what I haven’t seen until it’s blown up in my face and/or others’.

One key way to avoid this, or start turning it around, is to decide that, as Eckhart Tolle said, “Evolve or die” has proven to be demonstrated in so many areas of life and the world. that it is actually true…and, that your relationship is not an exception.

If you choose to operate accordingly, then you will see that rigorous honesty must be combined with an equally huge commitment to never allowing the thought “I don’t want to upset them” to be the centerpiece of how you show up – and how you don’t – in your relationship.

What you don’t say to your partner to avoid bad feelings or conflict…start looking at what you’re not wanting to upset in yourself, challenge that, and start trusting your love for each other more than you trust the fear of risking pain.

I want to ask you to stop reading this for a moment, and just sit, close your eyes, take some deep breaths, and see if you can remember a time in your life where you felt deeply, truly, unambiguously loved. See the person/people involved, where you were, what was happening, the sounds…feel that feeling of being loved throughout your body, noticing where in your body you most feel it. Stop reading this now and go do that. Come back and finish this article after you’ve done that.

Now, as you come back, still staying connected as best you can be with all those bodily sensations, I’d like you to ask yourself, “How often do I feel this way when I tell my partner, spouse, child, or friend that I love them?” How often are you really authentically feeling what you say when you utter “I love you” to someone dear? Now, ask yourself (and be brutally honest), “Do I feel this in my relationship with my partner more often than not?” Ask yourself, “Do I feel it with myself more often than not?”

Ideally, the answers to those two questions are “yes.” Yet, escalating divorce rates and rising levels of significant behavioral and learning issues with children would seem to indicate that that ideal is not the direction that things are going in with many many people. Our work with couples is bearing this out, as well. So, what’s the problem, really?

A key difficulty is that many of you aren’t really clear on how you truly feel/experience love and being loved. From what we’ve heard from all the couples we’ve worked with over the years, many are also suffering under the notion that how it felt in the beginning of a relationship is exactly how it still ought to be feeling now that the “honeymoon” has worn off. Another big issue is that you’re not likely stopping to newly and periodically think about the idea that the way you specifically feel love and loved is DIFFERENT from what makes anyone else feel loved, including the love partner you may have in your life…contrary to what Hollywood and Hallmark wants you to believe.

Now, imagine what could happen if you KNEW what YOUR way is, in such a way that you could communicate it to your partner they’d really get it (and, vice-versa). And, what if that communication came more from your heart (which, by the way, has more neurological connections than there are in your brain) than your mind? Here’s a way to look at it.

If you have a smartphone of some kind or a tablet, like an iPad, you probably know that what makes them run, just like our computers, is an Operating System. If you’re an Apple fan like us, then you know your iPhone and/or iPad runs on the MacOS (or Mac operating system). Did you know that you have your own unique Love Operating System (LoveOS), and that it’s one of three key foundations of great relating with anyone? That LoveOS is based on a combination of your neurological experiences that have been coded internally, and a lifetime of emotional (and even ancestral) history that tells you when you feel really loved. If you don’t know what our Love OS is, you can spend a lot of the time fumbling around haphazardly trying to get your love quota filled (giving and receiving) and wonder why you’re usually not satisfied, want more and more from your relationships, and are wondering “Is this as good as it gets?”

Two of the other key bedrocks of great relating are being masterful at communicating, and having values (especially relationship values) that are aligned with the values of whoever you’re in any kind of relationship with. If those two aren’t strong, and you’re not clear on what both of your LoveOS’ are, that relationship keeps living as a discrepancy that easily can make you feel that your love for each other is diminishing…which may not really be true. Besides learning how to communicate better (which allows you to even look at how aligned your values are with each other’s or not), you also need to resolve to evolve in your relationships. Wondering what that means?

It means learning – newly – what love means to you, how you feel it the most, and helping your partner know what that is. It means doing the same with them. It means experimenting with doing what works for the other person, even if it’s different from what you like, in the spirit of learning a new language. It means COMMUNICATING, even when it’s challenging to do so. Mature human love evolves from puppy love, to crushes, to falling in love, to deep attraction, and deeper intimacy that continues to grow if you nurture it. Love is an experience and feeling to be tendered and fed…which we easily forget to do in our day-to-day lives. Knowing YOUR LoveOS, and your partner’s (or potential partner’s), makes all the difference in the world. If you can combine that with values that align with each other, you CAN create a rock-solid, long-lasting relationship like the one we both have been enjoying with our partners for years.

So, today, begin to look at “How do I know when I’m loved?” Begin to be familiar with what you feel AS Love. Find out what your Values are in life and love, so you can freshly re-align with those you’re in relationships with in a more harmonious way. There will always be challenges in men and women living and loving together – we have different styles, we have different brains and processing – but when you match someone’s LoveOS, you can hit that sweet spot inside them that says… “Aaahhh” and light them up. Even more importantly, if you’ll commit to consistently feeding Love within you (rather than fitting it in when your busy schedule allows), in your partnerships, and in your relationship with your Spirit and whatever the Divine means to you, then you will not be asking “Is this it?” as much.

You get what you look for, not necessarily what you want. It’s how the filters inside your brain work and how the law of attraction fulfills. Love is everywhere – where are you looking? Where are you being responsible for the Love in your life and how it shows up? Einstein pointed out that we can’t change or fix a problem using the same mind and same elements that created the problem in the first place. So, I invite you to learn what your Love Operating system is, first and foremost. Learn what the other’s is. And be sure to include your Spirit, and your connection to the Divine, in this exploration. Do that, and your life will shift.

If you’d like more information on how to determine your LoveOS, and how to work with it in your partnerships, you can get more info by clicking here.

“Denial – a defense mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too painful to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence. The subject may deny the reality of the unpleasant fact altogether (simple denial), admit the fact but deny its seriousness (minimization) or admit both the fact and seriousness but deny responsibility (transference).”

I’ve had many a stunning – and seemingly unfortunate – awareness over the years – or even in the last few weeks – of how I’ve been swimming pretty deeply in the river of denial. Like everyone else I know that has such revelations, I found myself wanting to find some sort of Spiritual meaning in it. Now, you might ask yourself, “What could possibly be Spiritual about denial?” Of course, if you ARE asking yourself that, the the problem built into the question itself is that, if you knew the answer, you couldn’t be in denial anymore, right? This is all no fun for the parts of our mind that regularly like to redeem frequent flyer miles from the Frequent Denial Program. However, in life and in relationships, that shouldn’t keep you from looking at it.

One of the key things you and I have been in denial about at one time or another is how things are going in your relationship…not so much with your romantic partner (though that’s fertile ground for massive amounts of denial), but the most important relationship in your life…the one with yourself. One of the reasons your mind likes you being in denial about THAT relationship is because it allows you to maintain an illusion that your ego’s very fond of: that there’s some place you’re going to arrive at (if you work hard enough at it) that will be that magical place where everything’s been healed, you’ve got everything figured out, your plans will now be guaranteed to come out just the way you want them to, and you now have a life ahead of you of unfettered joy and coasting.

Your ego doesn’t want you facing the possibility that what you may be going through in the way of challenges in your life is a recurrence of some pattern, some belief that you thought you’d gotten handled over the course of your 120 years of therapy you feel like you’ve done, and the 4,000 self-help books you’ve devoured in the endless pursuit of trying to fix and heal yourself. The way to confirm this is to watch how often you say in your mind, “But, I’ve done SO much work on that” when you once again repeat a behavior pattern that’s plagued you for years.

Another way to gauge how much denial may be in the driver’s seat in your life is to see if you can track how hard you’re working to keep yourself distracted from your feelings and/or those of your Partner….and when you can’t distract yourself any longer, you’re often feeling resentment about how others are treating you, rather than take a realistic look at how you’re treating yourself.

If this is all hitting home for you in some way, then you may want to look at the great blessing, that’s bigger than you could imagine, of popping the denial bubbles. As painful as it can be to come out of denial about anything, if you have the courage to go the distance with it, you have virtually unlimited potential for freedom and growth in every part of your life.

When it comes to relationship, if you can develop the habit of seeing EVERYTHING as it ACTUALLY is, with an open heart, then anything’s possible and anything can be shifted.

If you add to that the skill of taking 100% responsibility for everything that’s happening in your life (“Now, THAT one’s REALLY irritating” your ego is probably saying right now), you can bring so much more of yourself, your compassion, and your love to every relationship and begin healing the one with yourself more easily. It’s hard to do that when you’re constantly looking at a Hall of Mirrors in between your ears.

In case you want to take this on as a practice for yourself, here’s a few common ways of interacting with life that indicate you may be in some pretty hefty denial:

Whenever you’re catching yourself in any of those kinds of thoughts, and want to start enacting a “Get Real” approach that allows you to get realigned with the flow that your Spirit has in mind for you, try doing something as simple as noticing how long it’s been since you told your partner how much you love them and why; hug your children (because you really want to, rather than because you should); or let yourself consciously get moved to tears by someone else’s good fortune and love…and then, cry at your own good fortune to be loved by someone.

Doing any of those types of things that you’ve had in the deep freeze for awhile, and you will find yourself no longer going down the river of De-Nile without a paddle.

Radio Free Spirit Show – April 27th show: Today is the last ever Radio Free Spirit Show. I made a commitment to the show for a year, and that time is up. I have so loved doing the show, and getting to interview so many thought leaders and inspiring people, but it’s time to devote more of my time to giving my gifts to more people, so I am hanging up the show for now. I’m considering starting a call-in show in the Fall, where I would work with people on relationships issues on-air. If you think that’s a good idea (and would even be willing to anonymously participate), let me know!

Today, on the final show, my guest is myself. I will be interviewed by noted former journalist, Abigail St. John, about any and all issues relating to relationships, including my own marriage. If you have been a listener of the show, thank you for your support. All episodes are available on my website here.

Michelle Hastie, featured coach in Shape Magazine and founder of Total Body Health Solutions, teaches the 7 Step System, “7 Ways to Lose Weight While Living Your Life,” to help busy entrepreneurs, moms and just plain exhausted individuals utilize their bodies natural internal systems to achieve their ideal body. After struggling with her own weight, Michelle, owner of Total Body Health Solutions seeks to be the certified coach that inspires you to live a healthy slim life. She spent time, money and energy obsessing over her weight gain and found no answers to remove it quickly. After a tragic car accident, Michelle lost weight sitting on the couch, unable to move. She became inspired to learn why, and also removed all the rest of her weight while enjoying all of the foods she loves, and only performing the movements she is excited about. Total Body Health Solutions began as a personal training business in August of 2008 and quickly evolved into a unique organization to remove unwanted weight with an emphasis in the mental and emotional reasons we reserve our pounds. www.totalbodhealthsolutions.com 800-615-4946 info@totalbodyhealthsolutions.com http://www.facebook.com/#!/totalbodyhealthsolutions http://www.facebook.com/#!/michelleleighhastie http://twitter.com/#!/MichelleHastie

Joanna is committed to re-uniting the authentic masculine and feminine. Formally an engineer and high-tech manager, she has spent the last 9 years studying relationship dynamics, sacred sexuality, partner yoga as well as cellular & emotional healing. Joanna now owns and directs The Center for Greater Loving where she offers private sessions, products, and workshops that help liberate men and women to be their natural selves, have passionate sex lives, and create deeply loving relationships. She dedicates her life to helping men and women take off their masks, be themselves, and remember the power and potential of love. Maximizing Chemistry: Enjoy an hour of laughter and inspiration while you discover the power, passion and joy that arise when the authentic masculine and feminine re-unite with each other. Learn how attraction, passion and chemistry in relationship require the interplay of masculine and feminine energies. You’ll see why so many relationships fizzle without this key component and you’ll leave knowing the secret ingredient needed to create happy, satisfying relationships with lasting chemistry! We’ll answer these questions: What is masculine and feminine energy? Why is it an essential component of lasting chemistry? What is my natural essence – masculine or feminine? How can I attract the partner I truly want? How do we create lasting passion? Joanna Kennedy 303-956-2796 joanna@greaterloving.com www.greaterloving.com twitter.com/greaterloving facebook.com/greaterloving

Tom Anderson is a writer, the author of “Your Place in the World”: Creating a life of vision, purpose, and service, Tom is an inspirational speaker, workshop leader, and vision quest guide whose passion is helping others to discover theirs. His own story parallels those of the people he often serves: a life of outward worldly success while urged by a yearning of the soul to live a life of deeper meaning and purpose. Following insights revealed on his first vision quest experience, Tom has answered the call to bring the teaching he received back to a wider audience. These teachings help people discover their deep souls’ callings so they might better serve themselves, their communities, and the world. Today, Tom describes himself as an activator of purpose and he serves individuals from all walks of life that are feeling an inner urge to serve in a bigger way but are unsure of how to begin. Tom lives in Overland Park, Kansas with his wife and their two children. BOOK TITLE: Your Place in the World: Creating a life of vision, purpose and service RETAIL: $16.95 ISBN: 1439271062 ISBN-13: Available on amazon.com. Found at www.liveamythiclife.com CONTACT: tom@LiveAMythicLife.com

Geoff Laughton interviews noted author and nationally renowned Entrepreneurial Marketing & Branding Coach Kelly O’Neil, who discusses the huge Spiritual transformation she’s recently undergone, and how she’s using it to take her business into a whole new direction of service to the world.

Deborah Duda was terrified of death , until she met Mother Teresa. While visiting Calcutta, Duda called Mother and visited her at the Sisters of Charity Convent in the hopes of overcoming her phobia of death. When she asked to stay and help her care for the dying, Mother Teresa replied, No my child go home there is sadness and suffering right around you at home. She did, a therapist for the terminally ill and their families for over 30 years, Duda provides an enlightening guide to caring for a terminally ill relative or friend in the fourth edition of her acclaimed book, “Coming Home: A Practical and Compassionate Guide to Caring for a Dying Loved One”. A step- by- step guide to the physical, spiritual and emotional aspects of serving as a caregiver, previous editions of Coming Home have been endorsed by Mother Teresa herself. Duda grew up amidst the aftermath of World War II in Surrey, England. Inspired to help counsel the dying and their families after meeting Mother Teresa. Participating in the home deaths of her mother, father, two close friends and many others, Duda has traveled internationally giving lectures and workshops on caregiving and what dying can teach us about living joyfully, has been used to train hospice workers for decades. Yearning to help others around the world, Duda has lived in other countries for 24 years of her life. She now resides in Hawaii, where she worked as a Spanish instructor for the past five years.
Visit www.deborahduda.com for more information.