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Can you believe we're already on week four of Game of Thrones? Apparently it's come time for s**t to get real — as even though there were a few check-in scenes we could have done entirely without (sorry Bran), I think fans should be pleased with this week's action. I was personally most intrigued by Arya's meeting with Beric Dondarrion of the Brotherhood Without Banners (not to mention Theon's capture!) but the moment everyone will likely be talking about at the water cooler tomorrow is Dany's final meeting with the slave trader. It was only a four minute scene (the only time we had with her this week) but the end shot of Dany marching through the desert with 8,000ish Unsullied and 3 — yes, 3 — dragons should satiate Dany fans for quite some time.
But enough about blondie. How are we feeling about Theon's massive betrayal? About Jaime's fading desire to live? Sansa's upcoming marriage to a gay man? Let's dig in!
Jaimenne: Had you forgotten for ten seconds about last week's harrowing final moments, when Jaime Lannister's prized member was chopped like a chicken gizzard? Well in case you had (dummy) we opened up on a close-up of the damned thing this week, dangling off Jaime's neck to remind him and whomever may pass of his great shame. "How many fingers do you think we can stick up his ass?" Locke's crass men wondered (out loud). It must be noted that while all of this was going on Jamie was as vacant as a Beverly Hills housewife after her morning pill cocktail, while Brienne looked absolutely horrified at the deterioration of her long-time travel partner. They also made jokes about Cersei anally raping him (don't know how that would work) so that didn't help.
Jaime had given up so much that he literally just toppled off his horse into the mud, a la Season 1 Drogo. It wasn't pretty seeing my boyfriend this way, it most definitely was not. He picked a one-handed fight with Locke and his men in an attempt to just die already without his precious right hand, but no one was going to make it that easy for him. Plus, the bounty on his head is sure to be insane, dismemberment or no.
That night, as they camped, Brienne had to essentially force my poor Lannister Lion to take a bite of food. "You need to live," she said. "To take revenge." Jaime did not agree, as now that his hand had been forcibly removed, he had nothing left to live for. "I was that hand," he said. Brienne wasn't happy about this. "You get one taste of the real world, where people have important things taken from them, and you whine and cry and quit. You sound like a bloody woman." With those shockingly cruel words as a motivator, he ate. Feminism!
Brienne also revealed that she knew what Jaime had done for her. The Sapphire Island she was from was so called due to its icy blue waters, not because of any presence of sapphires. Jaime had obviously known this, but lied to save her anyway. Why? We, and probably Jaime himself, don't know — mostly because he pulled a Don Draper and didn't answer the question. But I have my own theories — when you think about it, Brienne is the first legitimate friend Jaime Lannister has ever had. He doesn't know what to do with this newfound attachment, but he's fully aware of the fact that it's there. TBD. Your allotted time is OVER, Jaime and Brienne.
King's Landing: What a great way to start the week off in old KL — with a conversation between Tyrion and Varys! Tyrion wanted to chat about Blackwater, or more specifically, that one little part where one of Cersei's men tried to kill Tyrion. Either to change the topic or… oh, who knows what is motivating Varys, ever, he finally regaled Tyrion with the story of how he was cut. To paraphrase:
Varys was a traveling actor in the free cities, until some dude who seemed like a pedophile bought him. "He gave me a potion that made me powerless to move or speak, yet did nothing to dull my senses… he sliced me root and stem, chanting all the while." He then burned Varys' you-know-what, the flames turning blue, until a voice answered his chants. Horrible. Just terrible. But wait.
THERE'S A GOD/DEMON THAT FEEDS OFF THE JUNK OF LITTLE BOYS!? We've always known that Westeros and Essos (that's across the Narrow Sea, FYI) were f**ked up, but this creature needs the full wrath of Megan's Law on his ass.
Anyway. Despite his dicklessness, Varys proved that you don't need "balls" to be a badass, despite what popular vernacular would have you believe. He hates all magic now — hence his willingness to fight Stannis, Melisandre, and their Lord of Light — and he even captured his own red priest dickcutter and now keeps him shackled in a box. "Influence grows like a weed," he explained to Tyrion, now clearly using his own struggles as a more painful metaphor to Tyrion's current one. "I tended mine patiently, until its tendrils reached from the Red Keep all the way across to the far side of the world, where I managed to wrap them around something very special."
"I have no doubt the revenge you want will be yours in time," he finished. "If you have the stomach for it."
Later, Varys went to speak to Roz about Pod the Lustrous Lover, as he too apparently could not believe the stories about his free session last week. Roz said that it was not size-related, but the ladies did say that he was the most extraordinary "man" they'd ever met. When Varys pried for more, all Roz could say was what she was told — that it was "hard to describe." Well, here we have it folks — the big mystery of Season 3. Shout out your guesses in the comments!
Varys and Roz also chatted about Littlefinger, who was about to sail off for the Vale and Lady Lysa of the Gross Breastfeeding Lysas. Varys wanted information on his plans for Sansa, and Roz revealed that he had booked twobeds for his journey. Oh, the look on Cersei's face when she finds out will be worth that extra fare alone.
Meanwhile, my one true king Joffrey took Margaery on your typical second date, you know, the date where you show the lady places where people had been brutally murdered. "What's left of her is buried in the crypts right down there!" he said with glee. They ran into Cersei and the Queen of Thorns who were in the midst of wedding planning, where Margaery again got to show Cersei just how whipped her son actually was. But Cersei saw through it. She saw right through it. The conversation switched from wedding tables to the stupidity of men (a favorite in my household as well). "We mothers do what we can to keep our sons from the grave; they do seem to yearn for it," QoT said. And yet the world belongs to them, Cersei replied. The look on QoT's face said, "Not in my house, Lady.".
Margaery and Joffrey wandered off to the Targaryen graves, which Margaery was particularly happy to see. "Sometimes severity is the price we pay for greatness," she remarked. "Swoon," Joff replied. Then they heard the jibber jabber of the po'folk outside, and Margaery convinced Joffrey to take his first official visit. "You lead the defense of King's Landing," she cooed. "They adore you."
So King's Landing's evil Obamas walked outside and waved to their adoring public. As a result of this, Cersei came running to Tywin, giving some speech on how he should trust her more as she was the only one who listened to him growing up. He heard her council, but all she did was bitch about the Tyrells, specifically how Margaery knew how to manipulate her son. Tywin, being somewhat more logical than his sister, knew that this was a good thing — as Joffrey, being stupid, needed to be properly manipulated. "I don't distrust you because you're a woman, I distrust you because you're not as smart as you think you are."
QoT Olenna, meanwhile, headed to the gardens for a chat with Varys about Ms. Sansa Stark. And boy, when these two trade verbal barbs it is magnificent. I know we all love Tyrion, but these two surely contain the sharpest minds in King's Landing, or at least best know how to use them. Anyways, Varys wasn't happy about Littlefinger stealing off with Sansa, as "Littlefinger is one of the most dangerous men in Westeros." He was born without land or title, and now had both — and soon he'd have Sansa Stark, the "key to the North" should Robb fall. How easily could the silver-tongued serpent garner up an army then you think? Especially from the high-up comfort of the Eyrie?
His solution was to try to marry Sansa to a Tyrell — and as they spoke, the little dove herself was approached by her proposed future relative Margaery, as she was praying, of course. Those Starks and their goddamned praying. Now we all know that Margaery is manipulative and cunning and Sansa is… nice … but their "friendship" actually seems somewhat genuine, or at least as genuine as a Tyrell friendship can be. The Joffrey Survivor's Club must create a special bond of sorts, but I'm interested to see Margaery's plan for Sansa — being who she is, she probably would not take on a friendship that did not work to her benefit. Part of Margaery's plan now involves setting Sansa up for a sexless marriage with a gay husband (Loras), but considering Sansa's alternatives right now that's probably for the best.
Craster's School of Incest and Wizardry: Up north, absolutely no one was happy at Craster's Keep. Which I get, because it's an incest and murder haven surrounded by White Walkers where you're only allowed a warm bed if you are actually sleeping with Craster. Sam met Gilly's baby who, unsurprisingly, was male — or as we call it over on The Walking Dead, Walker-bait. Gilly was all ornery over the impending death of her child, to the point where she angrily gave back poor old Sam's token of his affection. Oh no. This has to end. This has to end now.
That night, the creatures of the Night's Watch had to bury a ranger from starvation, since Craster was still being an ass and not sharing his food. Starvation will drive a man to insanity, so it's not too surprising that those terrible guys who torture Sam walked inside, called Craster a "Wildling Bastard" and gutted him like a fish. Mayhem! Mayhem, I tell you! One of them stabbed even Commander Mormont, which is sad. RIP Dany's friend's dad. You were nice, I guess.
So now the jerks of the Night's Watch are free to roam as they please, while Sam has run away with Gilly and her baby. "Run fast, Piggy!" the main douche shouted. "And sleep well! I'll be cutting your throat too, one of these nights."
And Now for a Brief Useless Interlude With Brandon Stark: Bran and Jojen, Actually had a shared crow dream again, only this time Catelyn appeared to throw Bran out of a tree. Boom. That is literally all that happened. See you next week for 45 seconds, Bran.
50 Shades of Theon: So Theon was still riding with that mysterious boy from the torture dungeon, who offered a story about his life in the Iron Islands; specifically the day Lord Balon Greyjoy sent Theon away. It was so mean and horrible! All of this had been just too much for the poor loyal boy to bare, so when he saw his former Lord tortured, he knew it was time to act. This would all be very believable had he not said "winter is coming" last week. Not something you hear very often on the Iron Isles, ya know?
They entered a castle of sorts through the wet and rainy dungeons, supposedly looking for Theon's sister Yara and her men. Theon told his sad tale about life with the Starks and actually showed remorse for his shitty decision(s) last year, making him ten times more sympathetic who the Theon that appears in the books. I still wonder if they've kept him around these extra seasons (he's gone books 2-5) due to the likability of Alfie Allen's version of the character (and his abs?). It would make sense, as he's damn good. Anyway, Theon is especially torn up over the murder of the two butcher's boys, which, good. He should be.
They entered the room where Yara would be waiting, except it actually contained… The same cross he'd been tortured on for weeks! Oh, [name still redacted] you cruel, clever boy. He told the remaining men that THEON had killed the others, thus improving his own standing in the house. So, more torture it is for the kid who just can't catch a break.
Team Wolf Bread: Arya and Gendry were still wearing hooded cloaks as Thoros and the rest of the Brotherhood carried them off to their destination, which Lady Arya was not too happy about. But they let her drink rum, which is more hospitality than she'd get from Craster. Eventually Thoros led them into a cave where "neither wolves nor lions could prowl" — and in this cave was both Sandor Clegane (tied up) and Beric Dondarrion, the knight Ned Stark sent out to kill Gregor Clegane back in Season 1.
But Beric Dondarrion had changed. Not just the actor — he was different too, but I'm more talking about the fact that he had embraced the Lord of Light and now spent his time preying on people who preyed on the weak. Dondarrion didn't approve of murder, though — he would only kill Gregor after a "trial" of sorts, which really just meant someone accusing him of something bad enough to justify Dondarrion murdering him.
Luckily, lo and behold, Arya was there, and she was still pretty pissed about her ill-fated friend from Season 1. "You murdered the butchers' boy!" she said. "He was 12 years old. He was unarmed. And you rode him down." Lest we forget how badass she is, she also owned up to being the one to have hit Joffrey, with a "WTF are you going to do with it?" manner. So Dondarrion called for a trial by combat (aw, where's Bronn when you need him?) which led to some Sandor Clegane trash-talking, which I'm only mentioning because he taunted Dondarrion by saying "Is the girl the bravest one here?" and Dondarrion pretty much said yes, which I loved because I essentially worship the ground that child walks on. But alas, the rest will have to wait for next week.
Dragon Tales: Speaking of someone a lot of girls love to worship (but I still don't get it, sorry) we ended the episode with Dany making her final trade (Drogon) for her army of only-so-so-about-nipples-could-take-or-leave-them soldiers. Again the trader was sexist and crass in his foreign tongue… until Dany walked away with her slave-owner stick LIKE A BOSS and started addressing her army in that very same language. She knew all along! Valyrian is her mother tongue, duh.
The trader could not get Drogon to behave, which is another "duh" because Drogon is a freaking monster dragon. And now that Dany held the talking stick the Unsullied would do whatever she said, which this time was "kill everyone else holding a slave talking stick and free all the slaves." It was a bloodbath, and when Dany uttered the word "Dracarys" he breathed fire upon that bald-headed bastard. RIP, crass sexist slave-trader man.
Dany stood silently in this bordello of blood, as an explosion of flames took place dramatically right behind her. Once all was said and done, Jorah Mormont of the now fatherless Mormonts took a look at his Queen, who was quickly slipping out of his grasp. She was a woman now — a fearless women with thousands of seasoned warriors (and a hot translator) at her disposal. Of course she did her thing she always does where she says that everyone is free and can choose to follow her or not, but these Unsullied are bred to be killers-for-hire, so we knew they weren't going anywhere. Instead they used their spears to start a chat of sorts for Dany, and they all took off and headed… who knows where. I'd say Westeros, but we all know that's a lie. Either way, freaking crazy impressive army, Dany.
What did you think of this week's episode? Are you sick of the 45-second "catch up" scenes or do you like seeing every character every week? What do you think is the best move for Sansa? Shout it out in the comments, nerds!
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It was the trickle of pee heard around the world. Cannes attendees were aghast and/or amused an infamous scene from The Paperboy that shows Nicole Kidman urinating on Zac Efron; this is apparently a great salve for jellyfish burns which were covering our Ken Doll-like protagonist. (In fact the term protagonist should be used very loosely for Efron's character Jack who is mostly acted upon than active throughout.)
Lurid! Sexy! Perverse! Trashy! Whether or not it's actually effective is overshadowed by all the hubbub that's attached itself to the movie for better or worse. In fact the movie is all of these things — but that's actually not a compliment. What could have become somethingmemorable is jaw-droppingly bad (when it's not hilarious). Director Lee Daniels uses a few different visual styles throughout from a stark black and white palette for a crime scene recreation at the beginning to a '70s porno aesthetic that oscillates between psychedelic and straight-up sweaty with an emphasis on Efron's tighty-whiteys. This only enhances the sloppiness of the script which uses lines like narrator/housekeeper/nanny Anita's (Macy Gray) "You ain't tired enough to be retired " to conjure up the down-home wisdom of the South. Despite Gray's musical talents she is not a good choice for a narrator or an actor for that matter. In a way — insofar as they're perhaps the only female characters given a chunk of screen time — her foil is Charlotte Bless Nicole Kidman's character. Anita is the mother figure who wears as we see in an early scene control-top pantyhose whereas Charlotte is all clam diggers and Barbie doll make-up. Or as Anita puts it "an oversexed Barbie doll."
The slapdash plot is that Jack's older brother Ward (Matthew McConaughey) comes back to town with his colleague Yardley (David Oyelowo) to investigate the case of a death row criminal named Hillary Van Wetter. Yardley is black and British which seems to confuse many of the people he meets in this backwoods town. Hillary (John Cusack) hidden under a mop of greasy black hair) is a slack-jawed yokel who could care less if he's going to be killed for a crime he might or might not have committed. He is way more interested in his bride-to-be Charlotte who has fallen in love with him through letters — this is her thing apparently writing letters and falling in love with inmates — and has rushed to help Ward and Yardley free her man. In the meantime we're subjected to at least one simulated sex scene that will haunt your dreams forever. Besides Hillary's shortcomings as a character that could rustle up any sort of empathy the case itself is so boring it begs the question why a respected journalist would be interested enough to pursue it.
The rest of the movie is filled with longing an attempt to place any the story in some sort of social context via class and race even more Zac Efron's underwear sexual violence alligator innards swamp people in comically ramshackle homes and a glimpse of one glistening McConaughey 'tock. Harmony Korine called and he wants his Gummo back.
It's probably tantalizing for this cast to take on "serious" "edgy" work by an Oscar-nominated director. Cusack ditched his boombox blasting "In Your Eyes" long ago and Efron's been trying to shed his squeaky clean image for so long that he finally dropped a condom on the red carpet for The Lorax so we'd know he's not smooth like a Ken doll despite how he was filmed by Daniels. On the other hand Nicole Kidman has been making interesting and varied career choices for years so it's confounding why she'd be interested in a one-dimensional character like Charlotte. McConaughey's on a roll and like the rest of the cast he's got plenty of interesting projects worth watching so this probably won't slow him down. Even Daniels is already shooting a new film The Butler as we can see from Oprah's dazzling Instagram feed. It's as if they all want to put The Paperboy behind them as soon as possible. It's hard to blame them.

There is something particularly unnerving about demon possession. It's the idea of something you can't see or control creeping into your body and taking up residence eventually obliterating all you once were and turning you into nothing more than a sack of meat to be manipulated. Then there's also the shrouded ritual around exorcisms: the Latin chants the flesh-sizzling crucifixes and the burning Holy Water. As it turns out exorcism isn't just the domain of Catholics.
The myths and legends of the Jews aren't nearly as well known but their creepy dybbuk goes toe-to-toe with anything other world religions come up with. There are various interpretations of what a dybbuk is or where it comes from — is it a ghost a demon a soul of a sinner? — but in any case it's looking for a body to hang out in for a while. Especially according to the solemn Hasidic Jews in The Possession an innocent young person and even better a young girl.
The central idea in The Possession is that a fancy-looking wooden box bought at a garage sale was specifically created to house a dybbuk that was tormenting its previous owner. Unfortunately it caught the eye of young Emily (Natasha Calis) a sensitive artistic girl who persuades her freshly divorced dad Clyde (Jeffrey Dean Morgan of Watchmen and Grey's Anatomy) to buy it for her. Never mind the odd carvings on it — that would be Hebrew — or how it's created without seams so it would be difficult to open or why it's an object of fascination for a young girl; Clyde is trying really hard to please his disaffected daughters and do the typical freshly divorced parent dance of trying to please them no matter the cost.
Soon enough the creepy voices calling to Emily from the box convince her to open it up; inside are even creepier personal objects that are just harbingers of what's to come for her her older sister Hannah (Madison Davenport) her mom Stephanie (Kyra Sedgwick) and even Stephanie's annoying new boyfriend Brett (Grant Show). Clyde and Stephanie squabble over things like pizza for dinner and try to convince each other and themselves that Emily's increasingly odd behavior is that of a troubled adolescent. It's not of course and eventually Clyde enlists the help of the son of a Hasidic rabbi a young man named Tzadok played by the former Hasidic reggae musician Matisyahu to help them perform an exorcism on Emily.
The Possession is not going to join the ranks of The Exorcist in the horror pantheon but it does do a remarkable job of making its characters intelligent and even occasionally droll and it offers up plenty of chills despite a PG-13 rating. Perhaps it's because of that rating that The Possession is so effective; the filmmakers are forced to make the benign scary. Giant moths and flying Torahs take the place of little Reagan violently masturbating with a crucifix in The Exorcist. Gagging and binging on food is also an indicator of Emily's possession — an interesting twist given the anxieties of becoming a woman a girl Emily's age would face. There is something inside her controlling her and she knows it and she is fighting it. The most impressive part of Calis's performance is how she communicates Emily's torment with a few simple tears rolling down her face as the dybbuk's control grows. The camerawork adds to the anxiety; one particularly scary scene uses ordinary glass kitchenware to great effect.
The Possession is a short 92 minutes and it does dawdle in places. It seems as though some of the scenes were juggled around to make the PG-13 cut; the moth infestation scene would have made more sense later in the movie. Some of the problems are solved too quickly or simply and yet it also takes a while for Clyde's character to get with it. Stephanie is a fairly bland character; she makes jewelry and yells at Clyde for not being present in their marriage a lot and then there's a thing with a restraining order that's pretty silly. Emily is occasionally dressed up like your typical horror movie spooky girl with shadowed eyes an over-powdered face and dark clothes; it's much more disturbing when she just looks like an ordinary though ill young girl. The scenes in the heavily Hasidic neighborhood in Brooklyn look oddly fake and while it's hard to think of who else could have played Tzadok an observant Hasidic Jew who is also an outsider willing to take risks the others will not Matisyahu is not a very good actor. Still the filmmakers should be commended for authenticity insofar as Matisyahu has studied and lived as a Hasidic Jew.
It would be cool if Lionsgate and Ghost House Pictures were to release the R-rated version of the movie on DVD. What the filmmakers have done within the confines of a PG-13 rating is creepy enough to make me curious to see the more adult version. The Possession is no horror superstar and its name is all too forgettable in a summer full of long-gestating horror movies quickly pushed out the door. It's entertaining enough and could even find a broader audience on DVD. Jeffrey Dean Morgan can read the Old Testament to me any time.

If any of you Game of Thrones fans out there are like my friend Eric -- who thought that last week's episode was a slow, draggy setup installment -- then tonight's threesome and massacre fest should have satisfied your needs for Westerosi plot advancement. Not only did we meet Renly's new Queen, Margaery Tyrell, and the unfortunate Brienne of Tarth -- we got to see some token Tyrion manipulation and a truly haunting massacre.
So, remember last week when forgotten-male-child-enthusiast Jon Snow got bonked on the head by Game of Thrones' number one incest fan (Tough competition!), Craster? Well, great news: He didn't die. But there was also some very bad news for the rangers, as Craster immediately kicked them out of Chez Incest, severing their formerly mutually beneficial relationship. But the worst damage was done to Jon's face, which was slightly less pretty than it normal is.
When an angry Mormont confronted Jon about his actions, Jon stood up for himself by listing Craster's heinous crimes. Unfortunately for Jon's sense of Stark brand honor, Mormont already knew about them. "Wildlings serve crueler Gods than you or I," he said. "Those boys are his offerings." So, there you have it -- religious differences. Some people pray to trees, others leave baby boys in the snow to be devoured by zombie icicle monsters. Mormont left Jon with the following positive statement regarding the White Walker: "I dare say you'll see it again."
So, off they went. That adorable Gilly was visibly upset that the boys wouldn't be taking her with them. There were many looks of longing, followed by heartbreaking sighs of defeat. Sam, who had probably never received attention from a woman in his life, gifted Gilly the last object of affection that his mother gave him before his trip to the Wall. Let's hope she puts it to good use.
Uh-oh, fans of excitement -- here comes Bran! Back in Winterfell, everyone's favorite dream-haver awoke from a VERY active dream to the face of his dire-wolf, Summer. Maybe this was supposed to be startling, but my cat does this to me every morning, so. A visibly troubled Bran shared his visions with Maester Luwin (Aside: Maesters are an order of healers, scholars, and scientists. They act as servants to Westeros, and are assigned to various castles after their training at the Citadel. They also wear chains. End of Aside) "Every night it's the same," Bran told Luwin. "I'm walking. I'm running. But I'm not me. I'm running through the Godswood, sniffing the dirt, tasting blood in my mouth when I've made a fresh kill. Howling."
Instead of telling Bran to rent the dream-walking movie Insidious, Luwin insisted that Bran's dreams were just that: Dreams. Luwin claimed to be more qualified in supernatural things than your average Maester, because he double majored in "The Higher Mysteries" at the Citadel. So Lewin could say with confidence that magic no longer existed -- "The dragons are gone" (Nope) "The giants are dead" (Doubtful) "And the Children of the Forest are forgotten." (No spoilers) Fun pep talk!
Over at Renly Baratheon's camp, Catelyn (and the audience) met two very important Ice and Fire characters: Margaery, and Brienne. Margaery is a cunning beauty with a fondness for cleavage-baring outfits, from the House Tyrell: A wealthy family from the south that dwells in a pretty house called Highgarden. Their house sigil is a rose, and they're really huge on family bonds. Like, if each family on Thrones could be compared to a Real Housewives franchise, the Tyrells would be New Jersey. (Let's round out this metaphor: The Lannisters are Beverly Hills because they have the most money, the Starks are New York because they're classy and cold, the Targaryens are Orange County because they're all blonde, and the Baratheons are Atlanta because they fight the most.)
Margaery is married to King #3, Renly, even though she's well aware of the fact that he prefers the company of her brother, Loras. And as Catelyn approached, that same Ser Loras was sparring with a beast of a knight amidst a ridiculous amount of pomp and circumstance, being that they're supposed to be at war. To Margaery's dismay, the typically perfect Loras took a fall -- to a knight who was revealed to be, of all things, a woman.
This woman -- Brienne of Tarth -- is approximately 8'7, with a square jaw and unfortunate features that have rendered her unable to hit up the local Tarth dating scene. Despite the fact that she comes from a noble house, her greatest wish is to serve in Renly's Kingsguard; a wish he grants once she beats the crap out of Loras. Loras was humiliated, but Renly seemed giddy at the thought of being the forward-thinking gay king with a giant woman in his Kingsguard. So, it was settled.
Things that were not settled: A deal with Robb Stark. Renly would be more than happy to bring Joffrey's head to Robb's camp (Do it! Do it!), but he was less inclined to join forces with the King in the North. Loras asked if Robb had marched against Lord Tywin Lannister's camp, but no one else seemed to take the threat of Robb too seriously: They were having too much fun with all the jousting and the parties and the fancy tents. "My son is fighting a war," Catelyn said cooly, surveying the scene. "Not playing at one." Then she mentioned that "winter is coming" and Renly would be a "king of summer," and he sort of rolled his eyes and sent her to her tent because, like the rest of us, he's sick of the Starks and their obsession with the seasons.
That night, Loras ruined their bedroom fun when he reminded Renly that people were starting to suspect that he had not yet taken Margaery's virginity. Instead of giving Renly a night of passion, he offered up his sister (gross) as a substitute. Interestingly, Loras commented that Margaery was only "officially" a virgin, and she entered Renly's room in full sexpot attire for their first time together. So, basically, this ain't her first rodeo. She bared her breasts and did her best to get things going down there, but it was all for naught. "Do you want my brother to come in and help?" she asked. "Or I can turn over and you can pretend I'm him?" She agreed to try again later, but insisted that it was necessary for her to become pregnant.
This is a huge departure from the Margaery we see (or don't see) in the books: She has never been a POV character, so all that we've heard about her has been in the minds of others. There is much speculation about her virginity, but nothing is ever proven. And she certainly doesn't offer up threesomes with her brother. The show is choosing to make Margaery a sexy, scheming semi-villain with a probable vast array of sexual experiences, so there's a very good chance that I'll like this version even better. Plus, she's played by Natalie Dormer, who essentially did the same thing very well as Anne Boleyn in The Tudors. Once her head got chopped off, I stopped watching. She was the best part of the show.
At Pyke, Theon was still pouting because his mean old sister pranked him into feeling her up. "The last time I saw you you looked like a fat little boy!" he whined. But Yara only did so to size him up -- and mission accomplished. She, like everyone else but Robb, realized that Theon is ridiculous. He wouldn't fit in in a family as merciless as the Greyjoys -- Indeed, Balon was already planning a Yara-led attack on the north, to slay the Starks and whoever else might be hanging around. Yara would get 30 longships to lead the attack, and Theon would get a skipper ("The Sea Bitch") to raid the fishing villages.
To his credit, Theon actually had a pretty good suggestion: Join forces with the formidable Starks, and eventually seize ownership of Casterly Rock, home of the Lannisters. From what I hear, it's a pretty nice place. But Balon, of course, would not yield. The Iron born don't do that. Instead, he and Yara attacked Theon for being a major p**** who was too attached to his adopted family. "Make your choice, Theon," Yara said. "And do it quickly."
Theon did make his decision rather quickly, but not without hesitation: He wrote a warning letter to Robb, then burned it as a sign of allegiance to his awful family. He pledged his faith to their "Drowned God," and Theon was a proper Greyjoy again. Yaaaaaay.
Down in King's Landing, Tyrion had a few important tasks at hand. First he had to deal with the impossible Shae, who wanted to be a lady at court and refused to be a kitchen wench. (For the record, I never found Shae to be this annoying in the books.)
Next, he had to figure out which important players were on his side. To do this, he cunningly told three different snitches -- Grand Maester Pycelle, Varys, and Littlefinger -- that Myrcella was to be secretly sent off to three different families, for diplomatic purposes. Pycelle was told that Myrcella would go to the Martells in Dorne (We have not met them yet), Varys heard Theon Greyjoy, and Littlefinger thought that Myrcella would be sent to marry Robin "Breastfed" Arryn. He was offered castle Harrenhal, and rule of the Riverlands, to broker the deal. All three were given the same warning: "The Queen mustn't know."
His traitor was given away when an enraged Cersei confronted Tyrion about Myrcella being shipped off -- to Dorne. So, Pycelle it was! Cersei is TV's wackiest tiger mom, so she turned to threats to make Tyrion change his mind. "You think the piece of paper father gave you keeps you safe," she said. "Ned Stark had a piece of paper, too." Tyrion said that the deal was already done, and that the public's hatred of the Lannister family put Myrcella in danger of a fate similar to that of the butchered Targaryen children. Cersei then started breaking things. She really loves her kids.
Littlefinger was similarly enraged when he learned of Tyrion's deception, but his ears perked up when Tyrion made a second offer: He could see his beloved Catelyn if he rode to Robb's camp to trade Sansa for Jaime. Details of this transaction would have to be forthcoming, because Bronn showed up with news: He had caught Pycelle with one of his beloved whores. (This is a no-no for those who wear the chain) Tyrion threatened to cut off Pycelle's manhood, but settled for his prized beard after learning that Pycelle had let Jon Arryn die after finding out the big Lannister incest secret. Tyrion doesn't like people who betray hands of the King. He sent Pycelle to the black cells, which would certainly further piss off Cersei.
But despite her current circumstances, Cersei was able to have a little fun: She continued to torture Sansa, this time over a dinner with Prince Tommen and Princess Myrcella. Myrcella happily chattered about the pretty dress she would wear to Sansa and Joffrey's wedding, while Sansa looked about as happy as Eeyore. Cersei basically forced her to feign excitement, then asked Tommen if Joffrey killing Robb would please him. To his credit, he said no.
This put Sansa in a terrible mood, which she then unleashed on Shae -- her new handmaiden. So Tyrion found her a halfway decent gig, after all. But to be fair to Sansa, Shae was very under qualified for the job. "I shouldn't have to tell you to do things, you should just do them," Sansa said, when Shae just stood there like an idiot. This peasant-meets-lady relationship is not going to end up like the sisterly one on Two Broke Girls.
Tyrion and Varys discussed the Sansa/Shae relationship over some wine, where Varys offered up one of his token riddles: "Three great men sit in a room -- A king, a priest, and a rich man," he said. "Between them stands a common sellsword. Each great man bids the sellsword kill the other two. Who lives, who dies?" Tyrion's answer came quickly: The sellsword, because he had a sword. "But if its swordsmen who rule," Varys replied. "Why do we pretend kings hold all the power? Power resides where men believe it resides. A very small man can cast a very large shadow." So, basically, Varys thinks that Tyrion can exert his influence at King's Landing. The little birds probably told him.
And now to the crazy part: The rest of the episode belonged to Arya and her gang of misfits on their dangerous quest to the Wall. If you remember, last week Joffrey's men came asking to see Baratheon's bastard Gendry -- and Yoren violently sent them away. Well, this week, after a great sequence where the emotionally wounded insomniac Arya asked Yoren how he could sleep with horrible images of violence in his head (as she was still haunted by images of those who killed her father), the men came back for revenge. But first, Yoren was able to tell Arya how he got through his own brother's death: He whispered the name of his killer several times before he went to bed, as a prayer for revenge. He eventually killed the man, and has been wearing the black ever since. Arya looked inspired.
Now on to the vicious attack -- Joffrey's riders shocked the camp of children in the middle of the night, and Yoren instantly told the only valuable ones -- Arya and Gendry -- to stay out of sight. "If things go wrong, you run," he said. Of course, Yoren and the Sandlot gang were no match for Joffrey's morally deficient knights. Yoren was able to kill a few of them before taking a sword straight through the skull. Arya began to run away, as Gendry took up the fight. Last week, Arya earned the criminal Jaqen H'Ghar's respect when she refused to take his co-prisoners' insults, and this week she earned his gratitude when she saved the three caged men from the fire started by the knights.
Eventually, Arya and the rest of the surviving children were rounded up to be taken to Harrenhal. Unfortunately for little Lommy Greenhands, having a leg injury does not entitle you to a free ride. Instead, it entitles you to a spear through the throat, and a miserable death by choking on your own blood. (Let's keep track of how many children we see slaughtered this season, shall we?) But his death wasn't all in vain: When the knights again asked for Gendry, Arya saw that Lommy had died right next to Gendry's famous helmet -- convincing them that Gendry was the one with the spear through his throat.
Follow Shaunna on Twitter @HWShaunna
Game of Thrones First Look New Poster Declares War
Game of Thrones Recap: The Night Lands
Game of Thrones: Six Things We Want to See in Season Two

Welcome back to the wacky, warring world of Westeros, fellow Game of Thrones fanatics. Now that we have all of that 'Where are they now?' exposition out of the way, it's time to sink our direwolf fangs into the juicy heart of A Clash of Kings -- a truly cuckoo bananas book that introduces some of the strongest characters and most intriguing plot lines in the Song of Ice and Fire series. Plus, its central character is Tyrion! Fun times and many flames await us. Praise R'hllor.
One major item of note: This episode was completely void of several main characters. As the Thrones world expands, I'd expect to see a lot more of this down the road. Absent this week were Jaime (Who, by the way, was largely absent from the entire book), Catelyn, Bran (Woohoo!), Sansa, Sandor -- and, most notably, Joffrey. I know you all hate him, but you have to admit that this cracked out version of Draco Malfoy adds a lot to the equation. Plus, there's always that small chance that he'll get slapped in the face.
If you're anything like me, then you closely watch the show's frequently changing opening credits for hints at the episode's various characters and locales. This week, we were treated (for the first time) to an interactive map view of the island of Pyke: The stronghold and seat of House Greyjoy, and just one of the seven zany Iron Islands that ne'er-do-well sex fiend Theon used to call home. Before he became a hostage of House Stark as a peace token when his father Balon rebelled against the Iron Throne. Got that?
Here's a little bit of background on the Iron Islands, for all of you non-readers out there: The Iron Islands are terrible. Everything is grey, they hate the mainland, they dress like villains from the Pirates of the Caribbean films, and they love to drown themselves. I would much rather live in sunny, wine-drenched Dorne (Err, wait for a later season) or even the Eyrie (Hey, it has a great view!) than be a "salt wife" on this island craphole. Heck, I'd even settle for the portrait of Seattle painted by everyone's favorite disappointment, The Killing. That's how bad they are. The monarchial system of Pyke does have one major thing going for it, but more on that later.
Let's start with the center of the action -- the den of iniquity known as King's Landing. In an episode rife with daddy issues, Tyrion clearly had his tyrannical father Tywin on the brain when he found his kept whore, Shae, giggling with Varys the Eunuch in her chambers. The Spider, as always, offered thinly veiled threats under the guise of gentle words. "Unfortunate that your father didn't want her to come," he said. "But rest easy, my lord -- I am very good at keeping secrets for my good friends." Smirk smirk, batting eyelashes, knowing smile. Tyrion is vastly smarter than your average hand of the king, so he -- unlike the sensibly lobotomized Ned Stark -- was troubled by this, knowing that Varys doesn't actually have any "good friends." Varys does what's good for Varys, and somehow always remains miles ahead of everyone else.
Indeed, Tyrion is slightly more at ease with characters like Bronn: At least with the sellsword, he knows that Lannister gold will buy him a temporary but true allegiance. With men like Varys -- and Lord Janos Slynt, commander of the City Watch -- he could never control their integrity. So, as retaliation for the bastard baby murders of yester-week (and the betrayal of Ned Stark), he instated Bronn as the new commander of the Watch, sending Slynt straight to the significantly less desirable Watch up on the Wall. "I'm not questioning your honor, Lord Janos," he said. "I'm denying its existence." Cersei, naturally, was not happy with the decision, though it was revealed that Joffrey had been the one to order the brutal executions. He gets more lovable every week. As does Cersei, who mercilessly taunted Tyrion for killing her mother during his birth.
In other King's Landing news, Cersei quickly tore up Robb Starks letter when she saw the demand for a separate kingdom, sending her cousin-hostage straight back to Direwolf country with a "Hell no" and the following message for Jamie: "If you speak with him, tell him he has not been forgotten." But the terms of House Stark weren't the only issue on the small council table this week -- King's Landing received a raven from Castle Black, asking for manpower to fight the frozen walking dead. Cersei pooh-poohed Jeor Mormont's demands because of the war between the kings, and the seeming ridiculousness of his claims. Frozen white walkers don't feel like a threat when you're drinking Dornish wine in sunny King's Landing, while the whole starving city thirsts for your crimson lion blood. It's kind of like asking Obama to focus on the Mayan Calendar with this terrible unemployment rate. Tyrion insisted that Mormont would never lie, but the Knight's Watch would get no more rangers from Cersei Lannister. This is why Jon and Sam's POV chapters can be so infuriating when you're reading the books: The men on the Wall know that Westeros' version of 2012 is about to go down, but everyone Winterfell and below is unreasonably focused on the comparatively trivial fight for the Throne. Out of sight out of mind, I suppose.
Jon and Sam didn't meet any walkers above the Wall this week, but they did have to deal with the equally disturbing Craster. Our favorite men of the Knight's Watch already noticed that the man with a million wives, daughters, and granddaughters all in one didn't have too many male spawn running around, and their suspicions were confirmed when Sam met the adorable and pregnant Gilly, who begged for a first class ticket out of incest iceland. "You're very brave," Gilly said when Sam "saved" her from Jon's direwolf, Ghost. The look in his eyes gave away the first happy erection that Sam had had in years, so he definitely had to save this one.
Jon, however, wasn't too convinced. He'd heard the rumors about cray cray Craster, and wasn't about to go dipping into his forbidden daughter pool. But when Gilly quietly announced her pregnancy, nervously saying "And if it's a boy…" he perked up. "If it's a boy WHAT?" (Jon Snow is sympathetic to the plight of the unloved male child.) His question, unfortunately, was answered at the end of the episode, when he heard a crying baby in the dead of night. Jon followed the cries, then was knocked out cold by Craster after he saw a white walker wandering off with the offered baby. So, now we know where the boys run off to!
But at least Jon's head wasn't given the same treatment as Daenerys' trusted bloodrider. The Dragon Queen and her starving Khalasar received a very strong message from one of their rival Khal's -- the man's severed head in his horse's saddlebag. It would seem that the noble Dothraki don't like the idea of a woman-led Khalasar. Daenerys promised a proper Dothraki burial, but the camp's abysmal morale was significantly lowered.
Meanwhile, Theon eagerly made his way to the aforementioned Iron Islands. He managed to befriend the captain's daughter on the journey over, if friendship means having animalistic sex with someone while verbally degrading them. "They say hard places breed hard men, and hard men rule the world," he said as he disrobed. His casual relationship with this plain women resulted in some good old fashioned, Game of Thrones patented sexposition: He told her that he wanted to be king, and that the iron studs of House Greyjoy used women for breeding, keeping "salt wives" as their concubines on the side. Sadly, this over-eager woman was never going to be one of Theon's salt wives. She's better off, I'd reckon.
Interestingly, despite the hardness and the salt wives, the Iron Islands is one of the only kingdoms in Westeros that is comfortable with female rule. Theon took a hilarious ride to House Greyjoy with a beautiful and ballsy young woman, feeling his way down her blouse and offering royal one-night-stands the whole trip. When they arrived at the cold and bitter castle, it was revealed that this woman was his long lost sister, Yara (Changed from Asha in the books to distinguish her from Osha, the slave of House Stark). The charismatic toughie was sizing up her brother to see if he was fit for rule, and Theon was properly embarrassed when he realized he'd made an ass of himself. The general consensus between Yara and their father, the cruel and merciless Balon, was no: Theon had become a fancypants mainlander with fancypants clothes and a fancy official letter from "King" Robb Stark, which Balon burned right away. (Everyone is dismissing Robb's letters this week! Poor guy can't catch a break.) Theon's daddy issues became instantly understandable and apparent, as he realized that Yara was the Greyjoy spawn that Balon wanted for rule -- she would command his fleet when they rebelled against the king for a second time. Theon would stay home and play with his dolls, or whatever.
This interesting brand of feminism has not yet made its way to King's Landing (Or, as seen above, to the Dothraki Sea, or to Craster's cabin, or to anywhere else in Westeros), where every woman but Cersei is treated like direwolf s--t. Ros the hooker-slash-madame from Winterfell still mourned the death of her colleague's Baratheon bastard child, and Littlefinger wanted nothing of it. He told her the story of a similarly sad girl who had worked in a Lysine whorehouse, and, from the sounds of it, was viciously murder-raped for a large sum in a Hostel-esque situation. This was all we saw from Littlefinger tonight, but it was enough to see that the sneaky bastard was still on his game after being threatened by Cersei last week.
Over on Dragonstone (Home of the infectiously charismatic Lord Stannis), Davos Seaworth and his son (One of them -- in the book, he has seven. Let's see what casting budget allows for here) convinced known pirate Salladhor Saan to offer his ships to Stannis' fleet. Davos the former smuggler pitched wealth and Stannis' nobility, but Salladhor was mostly interested in the possibility of sex with Cersei. "I'm not going to rape her, I'm going to f--k her," he said matter-of-factly. Well, then. Salladhor also enlightened viewers to a commonly know Davos fact for readers: Stannis had cut off the tops of his fingers as a punishment for smuggling. In turn, Davos gave up smuggling and offered Stannis his loyal service. This makes perfect sense to Davos, but for Salladhor (and me) this detail was puzzling. Regardless, Salladhor would join the cause, effectively making him the first important black cast member on Game of Thrones.
Stannis himself wasn't too appreciative when Davos returned with the good news, as he didn't want a pirate slandering his noble cause. Still, Melisandre (Who cryptically told Davos' son that fire was the noblest form of death) got him all riled up when she offered the married man a son -- and, of course, her body. They had sex in the war room, to please the Lord of Light or something. Interestingly, much like with Renly Baratheon and Loras Tyrell, the sexual relationship between Stannis and Melisandre is only hinted at in the books. They are never seen in the throws of passion as they are on the show.
Finally, in the degenerate caravan frat house bound for the Wall, Arya (Or, as she's currently called, Arry) made two very notable acquaintances. First up was Jaqen H'ghar, one of the three criminals being escorted to the Knight's Watch in chains. The other two ruffians were brash, grizzled, child molesters who verbally assaulted Arya and the gang whenever they wandered by, so you knew that handsome Jaqen was going to be the special one. Arya didn't take their lewd insults standing down, and Jaqen seemed to admire this. "The boy has more courage than sense," Jaqen said with a smile.
But Arya's more significant moments came with Gendry, the blacksmith apprentice slash bastard of Robert Baratheon that Ned Stark approached last season. Gendry realized his days might be numbered when Joffrey's henchmen approached Yoren, offering a Lannister-sized reward for anyone who could give away his whereabouts. When Arya asked why the men might be looking for him, Gendry said he didn't know -- but he had been asked suspicious questions before. By the Hand -- scratch that, Hands -- of the king. Both Ned Stark and Jon Arryn had asked him questions before they died, so he assured Arya that she would probably be dead soon. (Ha!) When she kept poking around, Gendry told Arya that he knew her secret, too -- she was a girl. Accepting defeat, Arya admitted that she was a card-carrying member of House Stark, leading to an adorable sequence where Gendry freaked out that he had acted so crass (And pissed!) in the company of a highborn lady. Arya doesn't take kindly to being called a lady, so she responded with a very unladylike shove. Oh, to be a woman in Westeros!
Follow Shaunna on Twitter @HWShaunna

The majesty of the Emerald Isle is on full display in Leap Year an opposites attract romantic comedy starring Amy Adams (Julie &amp; Julia Enchanted) and Matthew Goode (A Single Man Watchmen). Director Anand Tucker (Shopgirl Hilary and Jackie) shooting entirely on location in Ireland takes us on a whirlwind tour of the country’s breathtaking landscape reveling in its fabled fairy-tale charm.
Pity then that such a magnificent setting is so mercilessly defaced by Leap Year’s unrelenting mediocrity. The film’s dubious premise testing the already loose limits of rom-com believability casts Adams as Anna a type-A career girl who flies to Ireland intending to pop the question to her feet-dragging boyfriend on February 29th aka Leap Day. Why Leap Day? Because according to some idiotic old Irish tradition that’s when women are allowed to do such things. (Click here to watch Adams herself try to explain the plot.)
Unfortunately for Anna weather problems force her plane to land far away from Dublin and her would-be fiance. Trapped in a tiny coastal town with no reliable transportation at her disposal she enlists the help of a scruffy abrasive barkeep named Declan (Goode) to drive her cross-country so she can reach her destination by the 29th. And thus begins the traditional rom-com mating ritual of sexually-charged bickering followed by moments of abrupt awkward intimacy.
While watching Leap Year I swear I could hear the Irish countryside quietly weeping as it witnessed Goode and Adams slog through the film's succession of trite misadventures the talented actors straining in vain to manufacture some semblance of romantic chemistry as an assortment of jolly Waking Ned Devine types futilely spurred them on. Oh if only Greenpeace could have intervened and put a halt to such wanton environmental desecration. It's the worst thing to come out of Ireland since The Cranberries.

In the tradition of Batman Begins and Casino Royale the clock is rolled back on the legendary icons the D—the self-proclaimed greatest band in the world—as the curtain is pulled back on their secret origins and the demons that drive them are unveiled… OK so it’s not really that deep. Though the heavy metal/comedy combo of Jack/JB/”Jabeles” (Jack Black) and Kyle/KB/”Kage” (Kyle Gass) have long played hip clubs cut an album starred in their own short-lived HBO series and amassed a devoted cult of fans their first feature film reveals how the pudgy duo first meet form the band meet their first fan (Jason Reed as TV holdover Lee) go questing the fabled Pick of Destiny—a shard of Satan’s tooth turned into a guitar pick passed among rock’s most accomplished shredders—and ultimately smack down with the devil himself. Believe it or not it’s a love story. Thanks to their long professional partnership Black and Gass comprise two perfectly crafted sides of a very polished comedy coin: Black is the wild-eyed uncontrolled id Gass is the low-energy manipulative slacker and they meet in the middle with an equal amount of unchecked delusion about their musical ability and potential. They both deftly pull off the trickiest types of comedy: smart jokes in the guise of dumb characters and it’s nice to see Black—obviously the bigger film star of the two—share the funniest bits equally with Gass. Of course all of this hinges on the audience’s tolerance for the ambitiously clueless ego-cases (and moviegoers who only love Black for his tamer version of the same persona in School of Rock should be warned—this is the cruder ruder and more profane incarnation) but we admit we’ve long had a taste for the D. They boys carry they movie squarely on their shoulders though longtime D supporters Tim Robbins and Ben Stiller stand out in cameos—the first Stiller cameo in ages that’s both amusing and non-gratuitous! Also appearing in small bits: SNL’s Fred Armisen and Amy Poehler Oscar-nominee Amy Adams Colin Hanks hard rock hero Ronnie James Dio Foo Fighter Dave Grohl as Satan and an uncredited John C. Reilly though you’ll never ever recognize him when he’s onscreen. And kudos to whoever had the inspired notion to cast Meat Loaf as JB’s pious father and Troy Gentile as the young rockin’ JB (Gentile also played a junior version of Black in Nacho Libre). Helmer Liam Lynch who also collaborated on the screenplay with Black and Gass and directed their music video “Tribute ” understands the absurd world of the D completely and demonstrates a clever assured sense of straight-faced silliness. Indeed the first ten minutes of the film alone—a mini-rock opera in itself—announce him as a comedy director to watch. Although we’re sure the bandmates themselves would take full credit for the film’s success. After all they may not have made the greatest movie in the world but in D-speak they came up with a pretty rockin’ tribute version.