Pouring rain amplifies every declaration of love tenfold. Do you know how often it rains in real life? Not that often.

In the movie Don Jon, Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character draws a parallel between pornography and romantic comedies, going so far as to call romcoms porn for girls. Although I disagree — I'm pretty sure porn is porn for girls — I get the parallel: media creating unrealistic expectations and shit. Any time a girl watches Ryan Gosling yell "I wrote you every day!" to Rachael McAdams while standing in the rain, it means I have to step my game up that much more. Here's why guys resent being dragged to these movies:

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1. Sometimes the main characters are fucked up. Did you ever see Serendipity? John Cusack leaves his fiancée at the altar the day before their wedding for some crazy-ass woman who left it up to fate to decide if they would spend the rest of their lives together. He should be the villain of the piece. The movie should end with Bridget Moynahan opening the Lost Ark and melting his face Indiana Jones style, but instead he gets to ride off into the sunset. Bullshit.

2. Everything romantic happens in the rain.Breakfast at Tiffany's, Sweet Home Alabama, any movie based on a Nicholas Sparks book, Spiderman. Pouring rain amplifies every declaration of love tenfold. Do you know how often it rains in real life? Not that often. I can't be expected to time the peak of my endlessly romantic pursuit of you that perfectly. Don't expect this to ever happen in real life unless you want to move to India during monsoon season, and then I'll yell tons of romantic shit at you as acute pneumonia sets in for both of us.

3. The only people that look like Ryan Gosling, Channing Tatum, and Ryan Reynolds are Ryan Gosling, Channing Tatum, and Ryan Reynolds. The rest of us look like a sadder Tony Shalhoub.

4. There's a point in most romantic comedies that I like to refer to as the "big fuck-up," or BFU. This is the moment where the guy who is somehow with this way-out-of-his-league girl somehow manages to temporarily derail the relationship. In the movie, it's always incredibly romantic when he wins her back. Do you know what happens in real-life after the BFU? A break-up. And then you never talk again, save for the occasional passive-aggressive liking of key Facebook statuses and a handful of drunk texts. Roll credits.

5. MAYBE SOMETIMES WE SECRETLY GET EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THEM AND THEY MAKE US TAP INTO A DEEP AND UNFAMILIAR EMOTIONAL WELL THAT AS MALES WE FEEL NEEDS TO BE CONSISTENTLY IMPRESSED AND I DIDN'T CRY AT THE END OF LOVE ACTUALLY AND IF YOU TELL ANYONE I DID THEN I WILL FUCKING FIGHT YOU.