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Thursday, January 22, 2015

At the End of Everything #29

“Oh?” The news hit me like a painful blow to my stomach. It was not a sudden news, as I remembered her saying that she would need to head home soon, but it never occurred to me that it would end so soon. It was partly my fault too. I never bothered to ask, as I was afraid of the answer. I wanted my time with her to last forever and I thought I could. In the end I only ended up deluding myself. After all, time is cruel. It waits for no one, stops for no one. And it travels especially fast when you are enjoying life.

I continued to stroke her hair, unable to take my eyes off her. Those captivating eyes. Her beautiful face. The curves on her body. I searched for something to say, as my mind tried to digest what she said. That in less than 12 hours time I would need to bid her farewell. I did not know to to respond.

What I do know was that Sharry was right, it was such a shame that this was to be our last day together. After everything that we have done, I almost thought she was here to stay. It was a rude wake up call, this one. Sharry avoided my gaze, her attention focused somewhere behind me. I could sense that she was feeling uncomfortable, perhaps from having to tell me about the bad news.

We laid there in awkward silence, each lost in our own thoughts, each unsure of what to say. I found a strange feeling of sadness rising in my chest, thinking of how my life would go back to the same miserable days prior to knowing her. I felt stupid to not have foreseen this coming. To be caught off guard by this revelation.

“So what time you will be flying off?” I asked her, while trying to hold back my emotions. But already my voice sounded different, its tone betraying how I felt inside. Miserable and defeated.

“Eight tonight.” Her voice was soft, apologetic. Still she did not make eye contact with me. Her eyes were focused downwards now, towards the bed. At least I was not the only one feeling bad in the room.

I thought about the different ways the day would play out. Either I could sulk and be sore for the whole day, ending off our relationship on a sour note, like a selfish self-entitled prick. No different from throwing a tantrum. Or I could be the better man and try to make the best of the remainder of the day, and conclude everything with a good memory. I decided it was time for me to grow up.

I sat up straight on the bed, and forced out the brightest smile that I could manage. Today was not the day my selfish ego wwould be allowed to do whatever it wanted. I put on my most enthusiastic voice, and took her hands. “Well it seems that we don’t have a lot of time to lose then! Time to wash up!”

She laughed as I pulled her up. Her smile returned, as well as the sparkle in her eyes. At least there was no more awkward silence. A tiny bit in my heart felt happy to see her happy too, no matter how rotten I felt as a whole. I wrapped my arms around her waist as we walked awkwardly to the bathroom. Every part of my brain struggled to remember that particular moment in time, together with every single detail in it. The scent of her hair. The softness of her skin. How the inside of me tingled with passion as my senses were filled with her. If only we were a couple then. If only.

We washed up together under the shower, the first time that I have ever done anything like that. She helped to dry me up, while I did the same to her. We giggled like any couple would during the entire process. It almost felt like a scene plucked out from a Hollywood romantic movie.

“You’re such a sweet guy, you know? Girls would be lucky to have you as a boyfriend,” she said as she was rubbing my hair dry. Her eyes locked on to mine, as I felt a connection reach out to me. I wanted to be your boyfriend, my heart screamed back. I wanted to just ask her to stay and be together forever with me. But in the end, I could only muster a weak smile.

“If only…” she continued, but her voice trailed off. There was no need to ask her to know what she wanted to say. She sighed, before putting down the towel and turning towards the sink. My hand reached out for her, and pulled her close to me. My heart screamed again, wanting to let her know that I want to stay forever with her too.

I hugged her tightly. “We will make today count alright, before your flight. I want to treasure every single second that I have left with you.” But I was too afraid to

She nodded weakly, and moved closer to me. I kissed her on the forehead, wanting to assure her, to let her know that I had feelings for her. I needed to make this day count. I had to. It was the least that I could do.