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Sometimes I never find the right words. Stolid seems to wooden, stalwart to posthumous, nothing really fits. I ramble on through cob webbed memories of vocabulary searching for the thought that clears my mind, all in vain.

I know all the cliche’s about “blank slates” and canvasses; but good friends deserve better. I struggle intermittently with “the right thought” to convey something much bigger than you would require. Like a dog with fleas I pause every now and then and go at it like there’s no tomorrow; and damned if there ain’t.

Handshakes are easy. The customary hug with the extra squeeze is comforting. For me though, it’s never enough. I don’t make excuses. Reasons are often selfish explanations, and factors just explain excuses. So in the end I guess words don’t matter as much as the effort.

It’s funny how a phone call can be a bridge to “the next time”. It’s never enough and sentiments are easy when you pretend someone is near. It’s “sweet” of you to make the effort. Then there’s the silent caveat that lingers like a speech bubble in a cartoon, if only I took the time when we were together.

Things left unsaid aren’t alway good, or bad either. Most of us have things we don’t say. The bubble is always there, but everyone’s left to just feel the thoughts, rather than hear the words. Our judgement is clouded by the unknown responses or our own demons.

There is a way to say anything, that seems to be a gift most folks don’t have. I suffer from not being able to write it or say it at times; or maybe even worse, say it or write it the wrong way. It’s that one word that says it all correctly that eludes me until after I say or write the wrong thing that haunts me.

This is why I write, how I care. I can edit what’s on my page. What I say is etched in time. One wrong word in the right moment can’t be edited without intense drama.

It’s not always that dramatic, but it is always that important to me. Sometimes it’s simple things like forgetting a phone call or visit. These situations beg for the right sentiment, but only leave me looking forgetful or uncaring, of which I’m neither.

It seems in hindsight the right words aren’t important between friends. The other speech bubbles I never see are the ones that say “I’m caring” because I tried. I have excuses because I care. I have reasons because I want you to know; and all the factors together mean I want you to understand that you’re important.

Maybe this is where writing and I fall short. It’s the words, the bubbles, and the actions together that satisfy our soul. Love is the only word that conveys this triad of affirmation.

For me the right “word” is important. I don’t expect to hear it or see it, but I strive to write, say, or demonstrate it. I’ve fell short more times than I care to remember. I’ve been speechless in words, actions, and thought. I’ve regretted not having the right words, and having the right words at the wrong time. I never regret trying.

So if I’m speechless know I’m caring enough to think. Silence is a word and an action that conveys concern. It’s when I’m at my best unfortunately. It’s not that I don’t care or you’re not important. It’s that you are worth the right word that not even bubbles and hugs can explain.

Deja Vu, the one moment I breathe over and again that holds us within me. It’s never the same as the first time, but keeps me searching for a moment to keep. My mind stretches to hold the thought of you even when you’re in my arms.

We emanate like a mirage lucidly lazy in the heat of our moments lingering sweet and hot. Your whisper is like the air that dances our watery figures on the horizon. Undulating feelings wisping to a universal passion.

What we are is us, what we’ll become is them. And long after our ashes drift together into eternity that one moment I lived for will be waiting on the horizon with your smile as the sunrise that clarifies the mirage, and together we’ll love in Déjà Vu!!!

The sun beats down on your back like a molten hammer as the hot winds refuse to change. Perspiration turns to salt like snowflake as it flies from your hair swaying with exhaustion.

But you will never secede the ground that swallows you whole. Sucking the life out of you And everyone close to you. You’re in desperate need of a mirror to see the damage you’ve inflicted upon your soul, but you proudly worship the mirage that lucidly shimmers ahead of you, knowing the path ahead is futile.

I pray you’ll taste the bile and purge your soul of ignorance. You’re not a moth bound to a light that will kill you. Let go of the gaseous dreams that keep you walking towards death like its heaven on earth. Find the shade, drink from the fount, and rest your soul to nourish your mind.

Step away from the vast desert of waste, you’re not trash to be discarded, you’re human. Feelings are good. You’re the salt of the earth!

Show me where Christ put others before his beliefs. Never!!! Not even on the cross when others couldn’t understand did He fall to the pressures of family, culture, or religion. He hung alone with His Father. So where are you justifying being a lamb of men?

How do you justify being a follower? Christ taught us to lead, and step up your game under duress. There are so many layers to society and little room at the top; so who do you bow down to? Parents, Jesus referred to his mother as “woman”! Your community? Jesus rebuked his friends constantly. Your state? Jesus let them have what was theirs. Your church? Jesus put the Pharisees in their place along with the money changers. So how are you sitting around justifying your faith by showing up.

It’s like the guy who’s shows up to work everyday, but doesn’t do anything meaningful, except make others folks job harder. Or the friend or family member who shows up during tragic moments to find out “the scoop”. Or maybe it’s worse. You could be the one who shows up does what their told no matter and is afraid to confront the other two aforementioned folks. Jesus had no problem putting folks on blast.

Maintaining my faith is easier outside of all these places that attempt to define us. Family, culture, religion, government; all of them run contrary to your relationship with Christ. Look how many times He had to get away to come back and set things straight. We’re no different. I’m away right now, and it’s ok.

I know I’ll never be the same Christian again. I’ve had great examples of friends who demonstrated true friendship. I’ve had examples of folks whose faith “has legs and feet”. Now it’s Him and I finding me in this earthly jungle of vines. I’m happy though; and although I’m not in touch with many folks, I’m in touch with Christ and it’s good.

I don’t need religion to understand my salvation and the role it plays with others. I don’t need denominations to do good works. I don’t need corporate bible studies to network and learn about popular beliefs of Christian doctrine. I don’t need prayer groups , we’re all supposed to be doing that anyway, constantly is still a challenge though!

My relationship with Christ is no longer influenced and hopefully the little works I do here and there inspire others to reach out. I don’t hate, but won’t concede. I don’t judge, but I’ll consider. I try and fail daily to rise above my humanness, while remaining humble.

I see through these quasi political religious aristocrats espousing verses and euphemisms for political, financial, and personal gain. They don’t effect my life for the most part, but I keep abreast of the lies and misdeeds that weaken the culture and society I live in. There are beautiful folks out there doing wonderful deeds just for the sake of humanity. These are the heights I aspire to.

I’m stronger in my faith and stronger in my heart. I hope everyone steps out with their faith and we don’t need labels or causes to do good things for the sake of good. Christ will survive religion or denominations in my heart. Until then I’ll just continue to try to look for the good in everyone and pray for the best.

I’m particular in pieces and parts you cannot see. I’m light years away from all that noise that that leaves you pasty and jittering like flesh without sun. I’m past tired and exhausted with your glazed twitching eyes.

I’m whole now that you are fragmented. Walking a path of broken mosaic hearts that bleed mud every step you take. You stumble and stutter spewing broken shards of plastic along a wooded landscape. I see your trail of trash talk echoing from dank corners. Your eyes quivering in the dark recesses of yesterday.

You can’t come into the light for all to hear or see. Once your known the fear will become laughter and joy will replace apprehension. The lie will dissipate into a truth seen by all. Then you’ll have to return to who you really are, us.

So now your dark opaque facade is melting. A glass menagerie of past dread, present fear, and future anxiety. You tried to hide behind me, but us is stronger than fear, we is stronger than apprehension, and together they make us whole. This is where life resides.