Ashley Greene celebrated her 24th birthday at Pure in Las Vegas on Saturday night and was surrounded by a sugary rainbow of sweet confections that made every hole in the room beg for a cavity search. And I’m not talking about that Candy Land mess of a cake. Joe Jonas was at Ashley’s side for her party and she was on him like a fly on a sugar dipped cherry, and he was on her like….well…like dignity on a Lohan. Joe is keeping his hands at his side like Ashley is a beard made of vagina hairs.

Can’t Joe give Ashley something to work with?! At least she’s trying to hang on him like his dick is not letting out a “meh” from being that close to girl cooch. I mean, Ashley even tried to slap away the gay rumors by telling People that Joe doesn’t know the difference between “vintage Coach” and Chanel. Bead, please:

At her 24th birthday celebration at Las Vegas’s Pure Nightclub on Saturday, the Twilight beauty donned a form-fitting black cocktail dress and sported a gold Chanel charm bracelet on her right wrist. The latter was a gift from Jonas.

“The funny thing about it is when I got it, my boyfriend said it’s vintage Coach – and I was like ‘Thanks so much.’ And then I put it on and was like, ‘Oh my god, this is Chanel,’ ” Greene said, letting out a scream.

“It was very cute and sweet and adorable to me because my boyfriend gave it to me,” she said. “Coach, Chanel, [it] makes no difference to him … [But] I absolutely love it because he knows what I like.”

Let’s hope that Chanel charm bracelet had a Chanel key on it that opened a Chanel box to a Chanel vibrator, because that’s the only way Ashley was going to have a birthday orgasm at the end of the night. But really, Ashley went a little too far with the “vintage Coach” shit. “Vintage Coach” is just a fancy way of saying “Coach bought from the bottom of a clearance bin at Filene’s Basement.” And there’s no way Joe would ever strut his shit through a Filene’s Basement.

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