Words and Thoughts of Joshua Scott Witsaman

Tag Archives: Worst Movie Universes to Call Home

Everyone has a favorite movie and some folks even fantasize about living within certain movie universes and partaking in the ideal settings or grand adventures portrayed on the big screen. Take me for example, I’ve got a whole life plotted out for myself should I one day happen to find that I’m living within the Star Wars universe. I would get a job at Cybot Galactica working in droid manufacturing, my wife would be a Twi’lek, we’d have a pet Ewok, we’d be model Imperial citizens, and there’d be a modest little prefab duracrete domicile in the rural outskirts of Tepasi that we’d call home.

But enough about that! We’re not here to read about my Star Wars RPG character, we’re here to discuss the movie universes that no one wants to live in, the most dangerous movie landscapes which if they were real, would surely claim the lives of all but the best of us. Of course as we all know movie universes operate under unique laws of physics that ensure the safety of all the leading men and lady types within them. But for all of us average schlubs and below average slobs these unreal realities would not be ideal worlds to call home.
Let’s take a look at what I believe are the top 5 most dangerous movie universes to live in!

#5- Any Zombie Universe!

Zombies suck. Rather, they bite, and how! It’s pretty obvious why living in a zombie infested world would not be cool. There are several different zombie movie universes and several varieties of zombies but they all have a few things in common. First of all, if you’re alive, you’re delicious. Zombies want to eat the living, that’s just what they do. Also they are mostly thoughtless, which means there’s no negotiating with them. That means zombie universes are the epitome of if you’re not with us, you’re against us. Second, zombies outnumber the living. Pretty much in every zombie flick whether it takes place in a small secluded town, or deals with a global undead outbreak the zombie-to-human ratio is tipped in their favor, not ours. In the movies no one seems to get their shit together to quell the zombie outbreak until half the population is already infected. Whompers. Finally, though zombies are undead creatures immune to pain they do have the “Headshot Weakness.” Everyone knows that if you put a bullet between the eyes of a zombie or bash its skull in with a blunt object, you’ll have yourself a re-dead zombie. That’s all well and good but that means if you want to make it in a zombie universe your ass had better be a class-A marksman or have decent upper body strength, but it’s hard to keep a steady hand when you’re constantly terrified and ones strength tends to get drained when you barely have time to eat and sleep between incidents of being chased around by the living dead.

#4- The Neverending Story Universe!

Now you might be asking yourself, “what would be so dangerous about living in this magical fantasy realm of friendly rock biters, talking tortoises, mystical princesses, and flying luck dragons?” and to be honest there isn’t anything inherently dangerous about the Neverending Story Universe, the problems occur when you remember that the universe of the Neverending Story is contained within a magical book, and that universes existence depends on said magical book being read. So if you live within that universe your entire existence depends on the reading comprehension level of whoever happens to pick up your book universe. Uh oh! Now do you see where the danger lies? People are stupid. Kids don’t read anymore! That was the whole plot of the first Neverending Story, the universe was being consumed by the Nothing, and if it was bad then you better believe it’s worse now! To be fair though it’s not really their fault they don’t read, what with teachers under tremendous scrutiny these days and testing standards which have deemed reading useful only for the purpose of answering questions presented in the various achievement tests. It’s surprising our society hasn’t already devolved into a bunch of proto-men speaking in grunts and monosyllabic phrases, only able to comprehend single letter text message style writing that is no longer then 240 characters. Needless to say I wouldn’t feel very secure living in a society that was based on the literacy of our culture. Though I guess there is a slight hope for the Neverending Story universe if they can manage to get their magical book onto a digital format, or better yet, simply convert their readership based existence into a viewership based existence powered by those who watch the movie instead of read the book. But alas that wouldn’t last very long either considering only nostalgic 30-somethings like myself still watch the movie, until there is an effects centric summer blockbuster remake of the Neverending Story I’d steer clear of setting up shop in that universe!

#3- The Godzilla Universe!

Unbridled destruction. Dispassionate stomping monster feet crushing thousands of people with each step. Battling monsters waging war with incredible powers that lay waste to countless square miles of cityscape with each uncanny blast. Well over thirty-five giant radioactive monster attacks have taken place since 1954 each more deadly and more destructive then the last! Does this sound like a world you want to live in? Clearly these people don’t learn their lesson seeing as they repeatedly fuck with nature or try to take advantage of the terrifying beasts of Monster Island. Though Godzilla and his cohorts seem partial to destroying Japanese cities they have not been solely limited to that island nation. Regardless, think of the constant fear the rest of the world would live with knowing that there were a great number of enormous monsters dwelling within the ocean that just need the slightest provocation to set them off on another rampage. The conventional weapons of man are useless against these behemoths and there is no environment on the planet which can deter them. It’s surprising that the petty human populace of the world haven’t turned to barbarism, fighting against one another and enslaving their conquered neighbors in order to offer them up as sacrifices to the unflinching monster overlords that could quite easily obliterate them without even noticing. Though this Lovecraftian existence isn’t quite what we have within the Godzilla universe, it is precariously perched on a razor thin edge and could topple into that type of maddening chaos at any moment. Who knows what world crushing tempest of impairment awaits mankind when the monsters decide to rise up again?

#2- The Alien/Predator Universe!

This one is a double whammy! Aliens and Predators. You can’t win with either of these guys. The future is bleak for mankind. Should we venture into the outer reaches of the cosmos we will inevitably run into the Xenomorph aliens of the Alien movies. However even if we seclude ourselves from the greater galaxy our strongest and most skilled warriors will still fall prey to the aliens from the Predator films, who scour planets for the most challenging prey to hunt and have found a favorite trophy with mankind. If you’re fat and lazy you’ll make a nice incubator for an Alien chestbuster, but if you’re fit and athletic you’ll find a tri laser scope aimed at your forehead. Worst of all is when the two species battle each other and Earth simply becomes the intergalactic proving ground to show which alien is superior, with us pitiful humans getting caught in the crossfire. The best advice I can offer if you chose to live in this universe is to really let yourself go, get off the diet, and forget the workout regimen but invest in a flamethrower and acid resistant body armor. Other than that, you’re on your own.

#1- The Matrix Universe!

Unless you’re one of the few resistance fighters who realize that you’re in the Matrix universe, then you’re already in danger! That’s right, within the Matrix every man, woman, and child has already been captured, bred, and programmed by the bad guys. The machines have already won and your unreliable genetic material is simply keeping things running until your body fails and you are recycled and your proteins are processed to feed your other pathetic human matrix-mates. But if you are brought out of the matrix and allowed to experience reality then the shit really hits the fan because you will be hunted down by the relentless programming and automated defenses that are in place to ensure that any rogue elements are dealt with swiftly. Though the resistance fighters are armed with a lot of wizard technology, gadgets, matrix tricks, and some cool characters dressed like badasses unless you’re Keanu Reeves, you’re still going to get your ass handed to you by Agent Smith and his evil omnipotent matrix constructs. In all honesty I still have not seen the Matrix sequels. I really enjoyed the first one and thought it was a really stellar idea for a movie. The action sequences were unique and groundbreaking and are still emulated and parodied to this day. I just thought it had a good ending point. At the end he realizes his full potential, he becomes aware of the matrix around him, he can control things, and he is a super powerful being within the matrix. A savior type of character who we just assume goes on to make quick work of the villainy within that universe, free all the unbeknownst slaves, and they all live happily ever after rebuilding the world that was destroyed around them. That however wasn’t where it ended and there were more movies. I just never got around to seeing them, and have since been told that I’m not really missing anything and so have stayed away. I can however tell you without a doubt that I would not want to actually live within the matrix universe. If I was stuck plugged into the matrix and still had to live this half-assed life, no thanks. If I’m going to be a brainwashed cyberorganic component powering some evil machine I at least want to be rich and carefree, not working some shitty 9 to 5 and hoping against hope that the wife and I can get the bills worked out this month. And I know for sure I wouldn’t have enough motivation to be one of the good guys, putting my life on the line to fight for some destroyed landscape in a post apocalyptic reality. You would literally have nothing to fight for. Everything you know and love is in the matrix and fake, and the real world is desolate and almost beyond repair. It’s a lose/lose situation at best as far as I’m concerned.

Anyway there you have it, five movie universes that I’m pretty sure no one would actually want to call their reality!