WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

FREMONT, NE—Noting the constant stream of questions and blatant suggestions directed solely at his sibling, area man Josh Koppel, 32, reported Friday that his mother was much more insistent about getting grandkids from his brother than from him.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

WILMINGTON, NC—Aggressively exploiting the short windows of time she spent with the high school junior, local mom Ally Brullard has been really gunning to befriend her babysitter during their weekly three-minute interactions, family sources reported this past Saturday.

AUSTIN, TX—Anxiously wondering what kind of impression he was leaving on university admissions officials, wealthy father Gordon Fring was said to be waiting restlessly for responses this week after mailing donations to his son’s top college choices.

MISSOULA, MT—Describing how he suddenly found himself overwhelmed by a flood of intense emotions, local man Mike Bentzen told reporters Monday the reality of fatherhood didn’t truly set in for him until the moment he held his newborn son’s hospital bill.

COLUMBUS, OH—Watching in disbelief as the youngster added another children’s novel to his quickly growing stack, sources confirmed Thursday that local third-grader Hayden Schmidt was clearly biting off more than he could chew at his elementary school book fair.

WASHINGTON—According to an alarming new report published Thursday by the National Center for Education Research, the majority of American students do not possess the language skills and vocabulary necessary to belittle their classmates in an effective manner.

AUSTIN, TX—Saying they’ve been keeping a close eye on their 4-year-old’s skill at memory games, the breadth of his vocabulary, and his overall behavior, local parents Greg and Lisa Weiss told reporters Thursday they’re trying to gauge if their son is a complete idiot before deciding whether to move to a better school district.

SOUTH BEND, IN—Holding the straps of his brand-new backpack while confidently striding toward homeroom Thursday, self-assured seventh-grader Caleb Burgess reportedly announced “new year, new Caleb” on his first day of school.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Excitedly watching the exhibition game in the half-empty stadium, local 13-year-old Josh McNeil reportedly had an overall pretty decent birthday party Saturday night at a Week 3 preseason NFL game between the New York Giants and the New York Jets.

WASHINGTON—A report released Monday by the Pew Research Center revealed that a growing number of American fifth-graders are opting to take a gap year to unwind from the stresses of elementary education and recharge themselves before taking on the rigors of middle school.

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

LONG BEACH, CA—At approximately 7:05 a.m. Monday, sources at St. Mary Medical Center confirmed that local woman Deliah Zahn gave birth to a healthy black mark on the record of Bayer—manufacturer of the birth control pill Yaz—weighing in at 7 pounds, 6 ounces.

TOLEDO, OH—Describing how the child entered a state of complete mental serenity free from any stress or anxiety as soon as he closed the flaps of the large shipping carton over him, sources confirmed Thursday that sitting inside his cardboard box is the safest local 6-year-old Kyle Wolfe will feel for the remainder of his life.

NEW YORK—Saying the popular new practice appears to be growing in popularity particularly in coastal states and within more affluent suburbs, several family experts confirmed Friday that the latest parenting trend involves just handing children a bulleted list of things they need to accomplish by the age of 30.

BOWLING GREEN, KY—Saying it would be a great opportunity for some sunshine and fresh air, members of the Ostby family reportedly came to the conclusion Friday that their grandfather, Earl Ostby, might enjoy going outside and watching the worst Little League baseball game imaginable.

BOSTON—According to a report released Friday by Harvard Business School, more U.S. companies are offering up to 12 weeks of paid maternity leave to mothers who complete three months of work ahead of time.

KANNAPOLIS, NC—Describing the practice as a fun way to liven up what are often routine and repetitive classes, local tae kwon do instructor Chris Fergus told reporters Friday he always gets a little thrill from partnering up two completely mismatched 8-year-olds during sparring sessions.

THE HEAVENS—Saying He was a very rigid and domineering Father in the years immediately following the Creation of Man, the Lord God Almighty admitted Monday He has been far less strict with His last few billion children.

End Of Section

More News

Study: More Men Opting To Be In Room When Wife Conceives Baby

The majority of men who have been alongside their wives during conception describe it as one of the highlights of their lives.

The majority of men who have been alongside their wives during conception describe it as one of the highlights of their lives.

PHILADELPHIA—According to a study published this week in the American Journal Of Obstetrics And Gynecology, an increasing number of men are choosing to be physically present while conceiving a child with their wives or partners.

“What we’re seeing is a much greater openness by men to play an active role on the day of conception,” said Dr. Renee Price of the University of Pennsylvania, who co-authored the study. “They feel it’s important to show their support during that special time when their sperm is released to fertilize the egg, and they want to be right by the woman’s side every step of the way.”

“Fifty years ago it was considered the norm that the husband wasn’t involved, but now the act of creating a new life is something many expectant fathers want to be a part of,” Price added.

According to the study, more and more men now express a desire to participate in the insemination process, seeing conception as a bonding moment that they can experience together with their wives instead of alone in another room. Additionally, the research documented a trend in recent decades toward conceiving at home, where couples are often more comfortable and can choose to have the process occur in a bathtub or other nontraditional setting.

“I have to say it was pretty intense; I felt a little uncomfortable with all the moaning, but once it really started happening it was one of the greatest moments of my life,” said Ken Olafson, recalling that he was so overwhelmed with emotion after the act of conception that he could barely speak. “I actually felt a little helpless, with her doing all the work and me just sitting there. But in the moment, I must say it was incredibly beautiful.”

“We have a video of the whole thing, too,” Olafson added. “It’s nice that we can go back and watch it again.”

The data, however, revealed that not all men are opting to be around for the act of conceiving a child. A minority of those surveyed said they were put off by the visually graphic nature of conception, preferring not to witness the sight of their partners frantically writhing around in bed.

“A lot of people say it’s magical, but I actually found it to be pretty awkward for the most part,” first-time father Pete Karam said. “My girlfriend was clearly uncomfortable, but everything I tried to do for her didn’t seem to be working. For someone who’d never done anything like this before, she was a real trooper, though. I know there were parts she didn’t enjoy, but once it was over she seemed relieved.”

“I agree that it’s something every man should experience at least once,” he continued. “But I don’t think we’ll be doing it again anytime soon.”

While many women initially expressed hesitation about their partners taking on a more active role in their child’s conception, most confirmed that they appreciated the emotional support, comfort, and words of encouragement throughout the process.

“I’m glad he was in there,” said Houston resident Kelly Mitchell. “Overall, it took a lot longer than I would have wanted and he didn’t really know what to do, but having him around was really special. I couldn’t have done it without him.”