Entertainment

Movie star Michael Douglas, 68, who fought through cancer treatments that appear to have been successful, announced that he has "taken a break" from his marriage to Catherine Zeta-Jones, 43, who reportedly has been suffering from mental-health issues.Now single and cancer-free, Michael Douglas declared that all business associates should refer to him as "Michaelsenberg."

"It was just time," noted Douglas. "We have been having problems likely caused by my growing chrystal methamphetamine cooking business, and we just couldn't get on the same page. But it's OK, our children are going to spend some time at her brother's while we try and work this out."

Douglas did add that he's excited to be able to finally pour his "full energy" into his high-purity meth empire, which now stretches across all of Southern California and into parts of Nevada and Arizona. He also announced that he'd be partnering with California Pizza Kitchen to help distribute his narcotics.

"There's still a lot of work to be done, both on my marriage and building my customer base," he noted. "But right now my main concern is Catherine's brother, David, who's become a major problem for reasons I can't get into ..."

In a surprising blowout finale, Mars Rover Curiosity, the NASA
robot that traveled 350 million miles to the planet Mars, descended
through the atmosphere at 3.6 miles per second, landed 1.5 miles
from its exact intended destination and then has proceeded to take
samples, measurements and photographs of an entirely different
planet, lost convincingly to "Rover," a four-year-old Pekingese who
can make a barking noise that somewhat resembles Baha Men's classic
line "Who Let the Dogs Out?"In the eyes of the American reality TV-watching voter, NASA's Mars Rover Curiosity (left) and its interplanetary space travel couldn't compete with Rover (right), a dog whose bark was somewhat similar to an annoying and overplayed pop-culture phenomenon.

"Although I have respect for what the Mars Rover has done, and
it's certainly cool in a 'sciency' kind of way, it just couldn't
compete with the God-given talent that Rover displayed for our
audience worldwide," said Howie Mandel, a judge initially famous
for inflating a plastic glove on his head. "The first time I heard
that distinctive bark, perfectly timed to the background music, it
was over for me. Rover has what it takes to be a celebrity icon in
this country, and some 'whiz-bang' mechanical vacuum cleaner just
can't compete with that kind of star power."

Shortly after watching LeBron James win an NBA championship with
the Miami Heat, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum, after 17
years of toiling away futilely in Cleveland, announced that it
would be relocating in Miami immediately in order to "get what I
deserve."Following LeBron James' success, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum quickly found a new home on South Beach. Neighbors said the museum at first stank of stale beer and failure, but the ocean breeze and sunny skies have cleansed the building, leaving it smelling of suntan lotion and success.

Kicking off an elaborate press event known as "The Rockcision,"
the museum, now going by the acronym RARHOFM, announced to
interviewer Jim Gray that "I'm taking my talented musicians to
South Beach," which is celebrity-speak for "Fu@k You, Cleveland,
I'm moving to Miami."

RARHOFM explained that after watching LeBron James bail on
Cleveland for a better team and better location, and seeing that
within two years he received the championship, recognition and
glory that he long sought, but didn't find, in Cleveland, that
these were the footsteps the museum needed to follow.

"LeBron was the pioneer," added RARHOFM. "He was Cleveland, more
than any other icon, including myself--even more than Drew Carey.
And if he could realize that...

Canadian Cheese-Rock band Nickelback has grown tired of people
making fun of them on social media, and they're not gonna take it
anymore. According to a Rolling Stone article, the band is
vigorously defending themselves against any negative tweets or
Facebook postings, sending a personal message such as "yeah, well
you're the one that sucks" to each and every attack. To find time
to answer all of their legion of critics, the band also announced
that it is cancelling all tours and no longer working on writing
anything music related.Canadian sort-of-rock band Nickelback has launched a fierce anti-anti-Nickelback social media campaign, spending all of their waking hours responding to critical rantings from musically responsible geeks and bloggers.

"We're just fed up to here," said guitarist and lead vocalist
Chad Kroeger, motioning his hands up to his eyeballs. "And we
believe that when someone says something we feel is false, you have
to defend yourself. So that's what we're going to do. It's all
aboot setting the record straight, so we're going to do that
instead of worrying about any musical records."

According to members of the "Don't Fu&$ with Nickelback
Strikeforce," a team of 14 diehard Nickelback fans and band members
are sending "necessarily unpleasant" messages back to anyone in the
world who types anything negative of Nickelback...

Recent research indicates that those declaring themselves part
of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender (LGBT) community are
increasing in numbers, up 23 percent from the same time a year ago.
The same study also indicated that 83 percent of those who say they
recently "came out of the closet" did so after listening to a lot
of Pandora."I clearly like gay music, so I must be gay," said Guy Sandwich (right), one of thousands of music lovers worldwide who have recently been introduced to their own gayness through Pandora, the online music service that knows your tastes better than you do. "I just hope I'll learn to like anal intercourse as much as the music."

The popular online music site, which features a sophisticated
computer model that matches a listener's "likes" and "preferences"
to help find new music that he or she should also like, easily
outdistanced "I could just feel it" and "I'm subconsciously trying
to piss off my parents" as the leading explanation for why most
people joined the LGBT community.

"I was listening to Pandora again, like I usually do," notes Guy
Sandwich, just one of the many thousands of listeners who recently
realized he was gay. "I've been using it for a long time, and it
knows my tastes really well. So I started to become suspicious of
my sexual orientation after a Sufjan Stevens song was...