Made a comment…think I really pissed off DH!

FIL asked us last minute to go to dinner. DH calls me and they’re picking us up at 6:30 b/c we both have to work late. I get home at 6 and the ILs are waiting in our parking lot. We talk 10 minutes waiting on DH…when he walks out of the house. Said he was in the bathroom and heard us.

We both run inside and he proclaims he has to go #2…Ok? Weren’t you just in there? I run upstairs to drop off my stuff and notice the computer isn’t asleep. I figured he came home early to take care of “alone” time…he mentioned this a while ago, that he comes home early on days I work so that he can do that…whatever. So I ask him if he was on it, he said NOPE! So I said “That’s weird but hey, if you’re gonna come home early to take care of yourself, you need to be careful! I almost asked them to come inside…what if we’d caught you?” He didn’t say anything but gave me a death stare.

I go outside and we waited on him for another 10 minutes. At dinner, DH doesn’t look at me or engage in any of the topics I’ve brought up. FINE…we finish eating and DH starts w/the rude/hurtful comments towards me. Mentions our recent (very secluded beach) trip and how I was stressed trying to plan it.

Yep, I was stressed alright…he ONLY mentioned it 4 days before we left. I scrambled to find flights, private lodging, car rental, airport parking, etc. but managed to get it all done…and we had a great time! He proceeds to tell them that MOST women would LOVE to go on a trip like this BUT NOT ME, that I didn’t want to (I was worried about getting the days off on such short notice) and eluding to the fact that I’m an ungrateful wife.

He also said the same things to me (during a phone call) in front of his coworkers a day or so prior to our trip. So now they think I’m some horrible wife. I blamed that one on major stress on his part and just ignored it.

He made a couple of other hurtful comments which I could tell made the ILs uncomfortable but the final straw was when I was leaning on the table and his elbow touched mine. He acted like he’d been burned…I know they saw that.

Went home and I had just missed a LD call from my sister. I talk to her 1x a month so I called her real quick. DH didn’t say a word when I got off and started to fall asleep on the sofa. I tell him he should go to bed, which he did and I followed.

In bed, he asks what my sister and I talked about…I told him her work drama (other people not her) and he said “what’s with you and all the drama? You must like it.” Ouchhh! Just relying a story, sheesh, and he wonders why I don’t want to tell him this stuff…he falls asleep, NO holding me which he always does. This morning, he left early and he usually kisses me goodbye….nothing, no goodbye….and he hasn’t called all day.

A couple we know had asked us (months ago) to go on a bike trip w/them last week and we didn’t b/c 1) he admitted recently that while they talk to him ALL THE TIME but not me (and I work next door to them), he thinks they don’t like me b/c of previous trips we’ve taken w/them and “how I’ve acted” or that “we bicker and it makes them uncomfortable” (these are HIS words btw) and 2) we wanted an alone trip. On Monday, the guy emailed him pics of the trip and DH said maybe we should’ve gone since a lot of people bailed on them last minute and it would have been fun. I reminded him of #1 and mostly #2 and he didn’t think they were good enough reasons to not go. WTF???

I just don’t understand the foul mood since returning. We had a really great time on our trip…so I’m confused. His comments seem to be targeting my character and it hurts.

I’m sorry he’s acting like an immature douchebag. He is acting really passive aggressive, and it’s not okay for him to be bad mouthing you to everyone! I think it’s time for a talk where you tell him how what he is doing makes you feel, and probably couples therapy.

His comments are unacceptable. Is he always like this, especially in front of other people? It’s not ok. You seem to have pissed him off over something and instead of talking about that, he’s taking it out on you like a little kid. Tell him to grow up and tell you what’s bothering him and that it’s not ok to talk to you like that in front of other people.

I would be hurt and borderline furious at his continued rude behavior. It’s time to lay it all out and talk to him like the PPs said. He’s probably embarassed about what you said to him about his “alone” time and he’s acting like a child. I know your ILs were very uncomfortable. He really needs to get over himself.

@texasbee: I recall some of your earlier posts about communication issues with your DH– and this just seems to be an extension of a problem that you two seem to have. It sounds so cliche to continue giving advice centered around communication, but that is the crux of 99.9% of marital problems.

Yes, he was a giant asshole for dragging your problems out to dinner and put them on display for the IL’s to see and for his coworkers to see. I remember a thread where this exact scenario was played out, except with some mutual friends you all shared. This emotional blackmailing that he does, where your issues now become fair game and exposed to the masses so that he can make a point, needs to stop ASAP if you want to have a healthy marriage. I cannot think of anything more infuriating in a disagreement than having it showcased to family/friends and I cannot think of something more unpleasant for a dinner date than sitting across from a couple that is passive agressively taking digs at each other all night.

My honest suggestion, taking other posts about your DH into consideration, is to consider marital counseling. I don’t throw that around lightly, because it looks like this a cycle and what you’ve described is just a small snippet of what really goes on (which only you know). It must be emotionally draining to always feel like you’re battling your spouse, and i would say at this point, it may be time for a professional to intervene and see if y’all can’t seriously start working together as a team.

@BrandNewBride: Unfortunately, he’s been known to be d**k to people. I’m the complete opposite and he said that’s one of the things he loves about me. Plus I usually call him out on it UNLESS others are around. He likes that I stand up to him since he said previous GFs never did.

@lina010: I think he gets a lot of it from his dad. His dad used to put him down all the time…tough love he says but I think it’s borderline emotional abuse. FIL recently moved here w/his wife and he’s said some things to her in front of us that makes me cringe. She’ll respond calmly but in a sarcastic way.

@Mrs_Amanda: That thread I posted was about the same couple. I decided to be the bigger person and quit fighting DH on hanging out w/them. They’ve since found a new couple to hang out with so they haven’t invited us to anything.

@andielovesj: I was shocked he wanted to take a trip after all the money we just spent on our failed IVF but he thought we (or I) needed to relieve some stress.

His comments about the couple were b/c I kept asking how come they’d stop if they saw him when leaving work but would drive past me…waving but still. Or email him only (instead of to our joint email acct) OR when they friended him on FB but not me….I eventually (to be nice) sent them a friend request and they accepted. He told me it sucked b/c it seemed like they don’t like me and since I’m his wife, he sides with me….but then the trip comment just hurt.

@texasbee: The trip thing bugs me, too. I mean, really, he wanted to go, but you’re the designated “travel agent?” Why couldn’t HE have made the arrangements?

My husband always plans out our trips, makes all the arrangements and reservations, pays for everything, drives me there – it’s so low stress for me. Every. Single. Time. He says all I have to do is look beautiful and get in the car; and he takes it from there. You deserve to be treated that way, too.

@texasbee: It sounded similiar so I figured they were the same people. I am sure you love your DH, a lot. However; the fact the he is a known jerk to people, is a huge turnoff. I will preface the rest by saying I am married to a pretty gruff guy. He isn’t always a man of many words, but when he does speak– he says what is on his mind. Having a strong personality isn’t a bad thing, and admiring someone for their ability to stand their ground against strong personalities isn’t bad, either. Different people make the world go round.

What is concerning is just the immaturity in which his ( and yours, too– it does take two) reactions to being angry manifest itself. Who knows why he clammed up at dinner and acted out, and really… who cares? Being married to a man child and going through the cycles of him being mad, lashing out, you feeling/being victimized and like you can’t do anything right and then you make up and something triggers and it starts all over again is unhealthy. The whole basis of how you two argue needs to be rewired, or else it will just be miserable. It CAN be done, but it would take work from both of you and a committment from both of you that under no circumstances do you throw your spouse under the bus in front of other people. Ever.

He’s acting out because he probably already feels like a failure as a man due to his infertility issues. On top of that he knows your previous marriage ended because of infertility and maybe he fears losing you. Be very careful that any sex related comments you make have no hint of sarcasm or condescension because this is probably an ultra sensitive topic for him. This is something that affects everything, intimacy, communication, affection and his own self image… You’re going to have to choose your words very wisely.

Not justifying his behavior; just giving an opinion about why he may be reacting this way.