Archie doesn't even know the shitstorm it's in for as soon as One Million Moms and evangelical Christians get a hold of issue #636, in which agent of Satan Sabrina the Teenage Witch swaps the sexes of the main characters. Archie becomes "Archina," Betty becomes "Billy," and Veronica becomes "Ronnie." According to people who know way more about Archie than I do, all this genital exchanging shouldn't hinder the comic's central love triangle — "Archina" will be just as indecisive a woman as Archie was a dude.

Can you even imagine how conservative groups would react to this amount of social transgression? There are so many angles of attack — witchcraft, teen sex, sex changes, freckles — that it might just overwhelm any potential pearl-clutchers. Archie, with this new issue, may have shown us a way to beat the social right-wingers — flaunt all their values at once using a bright, comic-book pallet. The frothiness of their ensuing outrage will render them speechless.