Arpeggio and the Baby Bunnies

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Okay Mommyland, gimme some 911

So today my 18 year old daughter stayed home from school. She wasn't feeling all that great.

She slept late, til about 2, and then got up and helped me out a little bit putting up the tree and the rest of the Christmas decorations. Then she stopped to get online.

Her boyfriend was online.

Her boyfriend is an ass.

Apparently, my house is a "hellhole" since he's allergic to cats and I have eight of them in the house. When it was just four I never noticed the first sniffle, but now suddenly he refuses to come over unless I get rid of the strays that have started coming indoors at night time. This is nothing new. He is a pro at throwing temper tantrums to get what he wants.

During the course of this conversation I see my daughter on the computer crying. Then she's off the computer and trying to pretend like everything is okay. Then the phone rings. The conversation that ensues is filled with her raised voice, lots of teary sounds and finally a full fledged sob as she ends the call and runs up the stairs to cry like a baby in her bedroom.

Now, I try not to get involved overly much. She's 18 years old, and the decisions are hers to make. I gave her a few minutes and went upstairs to check on her.

The talk summed up is this.

She says "It's all my fault."

Huh?

For the past three weeks her bf has been partying. Hanging out with his best friend having a blast. He used to come over here on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays he'd pick her up and take her to his house, and then again sometimes on Sunday he'd be here. I've fed him on these days for almost two years, put up with his often infantile behaviour and tried to get my daughter (subtly) to see the light.

No such luck.

He wants her to get her license (which we can't afford due to insurance premiums) drive an hour each way out to HIS house to see him. Meanwhile he has NO job and is almost 21 years old. His grandfather pays to put gas in his car, pays for his insurance, buys him cigarettes, and everything else he mooches off his friends.

My daughter on the other hand, goes to school full time and is now working 30 plus hours a week.

Apparently when he got online, she asked why he didn't call her when he woke up today. This was around five p.m.? He goes off and says how she's nagging him and is always crawling down his throat about what he's doing and when he's doing it.

She tries to explain that things he's said hurt her feelings and he's in the background joking around with his friend who he is tonight going to a movie with. A movie he SAID he was going to invite her to, (no clue how he's paying to get in, more than likely mooching off his friend) until she went crazy and starting crawling down his throat. Now, he had no money to take her to a movie. This I know. She has no money right now, and she admitted he lied to her about the movie, that he had no intention of taking her because he'd have to drive here to pick her up, an hour drive one way, and then bring her home.

So how is this HER fault?

He wants her to spend the night with him at his house. Sorry, some of you guys may be okay with that, but I'm old school. That is NOT okay. He talks about her moving in with him. Where? His grandfathers house, because he sure as hell can't afford a cardboard box, much less an apartment. He complains that I am too strict on her because I won't let her stay over and I won't let her stay out until daybreak when they do go out. He picks her up Fridays no later than 2 p.m., is 10 or 12 hours not enough time to do what they want to do? No, the real truth is that he doesn't want her to go because she can't stay all night which means he can't drink and then drive her home.

I have NO idea what to do. I'm at a loss. I need to make her understand this isn't her fault, but she's not listening to anything I say. She's got an answer for everything and I'm soooo sick and tired of this asshole guilting her every time they have a fight. She doesn't see it, but he's destroying every bit of self-confidence she has and it's breaking my heart.

It's not often I ask for help, but if someone out there is seeing or knowing something I don't, I'd love to know what it is because I've got no clue anymore.

9
comments:

fuck i hate men, and i especially hate sniveling undeserving little boys with no manners, let alone any idea of chivalry! Only way for her to learn is the hard way... You can't do much and if you do she'll probably just go against you more lol!

Yeah, there's another guy out there and I'm hoping he'll step up to the plate. I doubt the babygirl will do anything unless she can see something better firsthand. She's a really good kid, she doesn't usually do things just because I said one thing or another, she just refuses to see that this guy is worthless. Oh well, time will tell. She's actually in a pretty good mood right now which beats the hell outta the way she was before. Unhappy babygirl equals unhappy Mama Kitty.

I'm sad reading this mess and I do hope your daughter finds the clarity to move on with her life. She sounds like an industrious, caring person and she deserves better.Life is short and we do need to spend our energy and time on those who treat us with dignity and respect. She wont be able to change him; he is an adult. I suggest she chalk it up to experience and move on.Sending prayers and hugs to both of you.Thanks too for stopping by my blog. I am now following you back.Best,Elizabeth

Thank you so much! I hope she'll soon see the truth about him, I try to be supportive of her decisions and it's getting really hard to keep my mouth shut these days. Especially when every guy she knows wants to be with her. Not saying that they're all better, but I have no patience with a full grown adult male who refuses to work. His lack of respect and compassion for her though, ugh, I'll shut up now before I start thinking about doing awful things to him again!

I don't know. I am not well experienced they say but I can give some advice whether useful or not. I have a boyfriend who stays 1499 kms away. We have never met but speak to each other daily. But not these days. He's started to ignore me or I don't know what! He calls me up at random times and says he loves me. I AM A GIRL GODDAMIT. ITS MY NATURE TO GET SERIOUS AND FALL IN LOVE. Once he says "It can never work out between us. Don't get serious with me" the other time he says "I love you so much I can't let you go" I am confused on my own relationship status. This is my love life. There is only one thing and that is to let your daughter learn the hard way. It may be hard to get over him once they break up(just saying) but thats how it is. Or ask your daughter to stop talking to him for a few days and contemplate on these issues. Ask her to reflect for some time. Is it necessary that she still has to be with this guy? Does he really love her? Now that he wants her to move in with him, WILL HE REALLY BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF HER? Your daughter is working, doesn't mean he will live off her money. Ask her to think and then decide. I hope this was useful! :) Much love Donna, if you have anything do message me here or on Webook. Though I may not help you in any way I can at the least lend a ear and let you know I am here! :)

Firstly I am your latest and newest follower. Secondly I really feel for you. I went through all this a year or so ago. I have a son and believe me it's no easier. I have to agree with the first comment about letting them find out the hard way but boy that is difficult. All I can say is that you should trust you have given her all the good advice you can. She'll probably make the right decision all by herself. Sometimes though, being a parent is just the hardest thing. Carol from www.facing50withhumour.blogspot.com

Oh yes, the joys of teen/young adult relationships. I so do not miss those days. All I can say is continue to be there for her and maybe gently encourage her to consider seeing other guys, maybe someone from school or work who might have more in common with her (such as goals and ethics)(my 2 cent dig at current BF). And while you can make it clear you don't like BF and think she deserves better don't push her too hard are she will most likely pull away from you and fight harder for him.I hopped over from Love with Kate and will be following and think about your daughter.

Thanks so much! You guys have made me feel so much better just knowing I'm not the only one going through hard times with the youngling! The night ended up being a little better since I found out that after the huge fight with the bf, she texted the "other" guy and told him he should come over! Whooo! He didn't get her text, so didn't come over, but at least it's a start that she's showing interest in someone else!