Worst. Theme Park. Ever.

The fun starts in the parking lot! Grab a ticket. Drive up towards the guy who presumably works there. (The “Attendant” jacket is a clue.) Then find out that he either doesn’t, or doesn’t care. Find four spots. See that the other idiots have parked in two spots at three of them.
Wedge your way into the fourth spot.
Success!
Now the real fun begins.
The attendant at the DMV actually does pay attention. Unlike the old days, there is a kiosk. Tell the nice man what you want, and he’ll tap the correct key and a ticket will spit out, with a number.
If you’re really lucky, he’ll even have the form you need!

So I get my ticket and fill out my form. Then I wait. And wait. And wait.
Finally they call my number! I go to the window and tell them why I’m there. They say great! Make sure when we call you back, you stress what you’re here for, even if it’s me. Because I certainly won’t remember. Oh, and your wife can’t wait with you.
(Fortunately, I thought there might be waiting and asked her to bring her book.)
(Which she’d have done anyway.)
(God, I love that woman!)

So I sit.
And wait……..

Eventually, they call me again.
I sit down to take my test.
Twenty questions.
Over half of them are about driving and alcohol. I’ve been driving for over twenty years. I answer those questions easily.
Two of them are on road signs. I guess. Seriously, does anyone actually read the signs, or do we all just check the shape and color? Three of them are motorcycle-specific. I did study, so I answer those carefully and correctly.

Hand in the test, and…wait!
Sigh.
To recap: Enter, get a number ticket, sign in, take the test and hand it in.
Time to do this: 18 minutes.
Time spent at DMV so far (including waiting): 107 minutes.

Annnnnny Daaaaay Nowwwww…………….

I’m now waiting for them to grade my test and call me up to sign the form and tell me if I passed.
There is a woman doing this with a trainee. The two of them are having a grand old time, laughing and telling each other stories. In twenty minutes, four applicants are processed.
The trainee gets up to get another chair. He leaves the woman at the counter by herself for 9 minutes. Six more applicants are processed.
My turn!!!
“Did I pass?”
She looks back at the form.
“You did. 100%. First one on the motorcycle exam today. Now, sign here, and wait for your name to be called at the register.”
YIPPE– crap.

And I (sing it with me!) wait…

Finally they call me to pay.
“Can I use cash”
“Mumble mumble”
“Ok…how much do I owe you”
“mumble mumble”
“Sorry, how much?”
“TWENTY TWO FIFTY.”
I drop my money on the counter.
She makes change and hands me my permit.

Three hours after I arrived, I leave the DMV.

Next is the Motorcycle Safety Foundation two day course.
At least that ride has seats.

Hey, if Marcia could learn to not break the egg…(Please tell me you get that reference,)

That stinks! Glad you made it out alive; that skeleton pic speaks volumes. The guy who helped me was.super cool. He was funny. “Are you driving on a suspended license?” “No.” “Promise?” “Um, yeah! Sorry, I forgot my bible.” Best time to go is an hour before closing time. They want to go home too.

My license expired years ago. Because of a lovely technicality no Spanish policeman has any idea.
My license has an EXP date. Although that means EXPiration, in Spanish EXP generally means expedicion, which is the date something is given to you i.e. start date.

The Ultimate: Walk in to DMV. Scan waiting room. Empty. No one. Scan room again. Empty again. I’m first. Walk up to desk smiling and say, “Good Morning.”
“You’ll have to take a number,” DMV employee said.
“Excuse me?”
“You’ll have to take a number and wait for your number to be called.”
Turn around and scan room again. Empty. Just me. I’m first.
“Oh, right!”. I turn around. Take ticket. Choose one of 45 empty chairs to sit and wait for my number to be called.
Wait. Wait. Wait.
Five minutes waiting. Ten minutes wait….ah…there it is…
My number.
I’m first.

Love the song, love the photos, love the Brady reference ! =) You survived a trip to the DMV… you are a brave soul, Guap ! =) Great post, congrats on the perfect score, and I hope the next trip is faster… but I wouldn’t hold my breath. =)

Nono, that’s from the seminal Brady Bunch episode where Greg and Marcia both get licenses and have a driving contest, with the tie breaker being getting closest to a cone with an egg on top without breaking it.

When I got my driver’s license renewed, I showed up 45 before the doors opened. There were already people in line. There should never be a place where you have to show up that early to get out in a decent time.

Did you crib this from Dante’s Inferno? Not to brag…well, maybe a little…we do it all by mail in NJ. In fact, I just ordered my new driver’s license last week. I haven’t seen the inside of the DMV in years! You should consider relocating.

btw, I accepted an offer so, assuming the background checks and references don’t fall through, I’ll be leaving this building in two weeks. So sad. I love this naib, tourists notwithstanding.

Oh my goodness! I thought we had the only DMV theme park. Actually, you may need to have checked your surroundings again…the fact that there was actual laughter coming from an employee working there signals that you may have been in the wrong place. At ours, apparently there are rules against laughter or smiling or being cordial. (Sorry to any DMV friends–I know your jobs suck!)
I’m glad you made it out alive, now please stay safe on that motorcycle of yours!

The first caption… hilarious! Glad you were only there for a few hours. Not so bad, considering the hours and hours of hair-blowing highway fun you will have — and safely, knowing that you aced the test! Congrats for that.

If it makes you feel any better (it won’t), I decided to try the “free tax help” at our local community college this year. After waiting for THREE HOURS, the guy started to input my info for the return and then told me it was just too complicated for their services. A simple checklist when I signed in would’ve saved me all that time and frustration. I wanted to yank out his nose hairs.

Gah – the multi-day happened to me once.
I learned my lesson, and make sure I have all the documents I need before I think about heading over.
At NYS, they will take care of you as long as you’re inside the doors before they close them.

LOL You must live in NYC – go to the DMV in Staten Island (if it’s still there; it’s been YEARS since I’ve been there!). There was NEVER a wait and the clerks were all friendly AND articulate. This post kinda reminded me of that Twilight Zone “Obsolete Man” with Burgess Meredith; all waiting to be judged & shiz… 😉

So if I get it right you’re going for a motor license? Waiting is always a joy. Use the time to reflect upon yourself and upon life and try to discover the meaning of it all.
Or watch the people. That’s more fun:).

I think you got off very lightly, El G. Here in South Africa, you could be waiting all day. African time goes very slowly. Congrats to you. I hope you’re really excited, but that your driving doesn’t show it. 🙂

I shudder to think that your DMV is systemically worse.
I’m just looking forward to teh perspective from a bike. Fortunately, I’m old enough (and experienced enough) to know how bad it can get if someone is careless.

As I scrolled and scrolled, the anticipation grew.
No one had said it.
I couldn’t believe it!
Yes!
I was going to get to say it!!
And then.
Nancytex said it: Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!

So I’m going with “Pork chops and applesauce.” And I will be holding you accountable for the Brady Bunch lines that are going to go through my head for the rest of the day.

On the plus side, I spent just about as much time waiting in line for the Dumbo ride at DisneyWorld and my daughter doesn’t even remember the 30-second twirl of a lifetime. Your wait will someday be worth it. And maybe your wife got to finish her book?

Three hours? Three HOURS??!!
Dude..that’s nothin..
But its all ridiculous and Unnecessary.
I have to go next month ..
But not for a motorcycle permit .yay you!
Now get on your bike and ride!
Please wear a helmet and oh..say hi to TMWGITU for me 😉

I actually could avoid mine if I go to one of the satellite offices with my proof of insurance and pay 80 bucks for the privilege of beating them to their job of processing the letter my insurance company sent a month ago… Then I could renew my tags online for another fine amount of money. But honestly I have enjoyed meeting most of chandler’s finest the last month..being pulled over for no other offense then having my plate run without cause. More than once .. Typically at night or on Sundays. If I’m bored I go out and drive by a bored cop. Just for fun. Its a bit of rebellious protest to the fact they don’t have to have any reason at all to look you up anymore I guess. Call me crazy ..but it entertains me. Its helping me get over my extreme fear of police officers..I’ve noticed the clench is noticeably less each time it happens because they see I am all good..license reg and insurance and are very polite and amiable.
Not sure what I will do after I renew my tags but I’m sure I’ll find something.. 😉

OK.. Deal. IF you PROMISE..you will ALWAYS wear a helmet and protective gear.. I’m excited for you doing this cause I know you want to.. And psyched you are DOING it..but a little nervous cause my mom was a nurse and I won’t even begin to tell you how she scared me away from them..

For my own good of course ..which made riding on the back of a few over the years that Much more thrilling.and risky and scary. (Was that redundant?) Any who..

Or just think.. If you ever don’t want to wear that pesky helmet..
If something should happen to you..
Well..nevermind,that isn’t cool I wouldn’t swoop in and hit on your wife..
I’d be very sad and have to comfort her of course but .. Its not even worth the joke ..
Please ..be safe.

Weird. I had my brother-in-law’s version of taking his motor cycle learners license test today. He only just passed as he discovered our books he studied from are a bit out dated, but otherwise your stories are not that different!! What is DMW? That building looks like a monument the apartheid government would have constructed. (Doubling up as a place to throw dissenters…)

DMV is Department of Motor Vehicles, and they are bleak soulless places.
Of the “abandon hope, all ye who enter” variety.

The building in that pic is actually an AT&T (massive telecom company) internet data center in lower Manhattan.
I’ve been there for work. The lobby is all white, but still very The Matrix”.
Frightening place, though they did have a very friendly, helpful staff.

I was going to leave a great comment, but after reading all the others, I forgot what I was going to say. Congrats on the permit…stay safe!! I think it went something like that, yadda yadda yadda…all the sunshine in the world. The end.

Brady Bunch? I hate waiting – thankfully hubby does it for me now & then complains A LOT about it later. The other week I had to take him to an eye appointment. I sat in the car for 2.5 hours. When he came out they had done laser surgery on his eye to correct a retinal tear. It was supposed to be an examination to see if he had a tear, but they found it & fixed it right away. Better than coming back again & waiting in the car for another couple hours!

Oh NO/Yes! I applaud you for passing and am happy for you but I was on the no motorcycle bandwagon! AY! I have such a fear of them. I will have to get over it…now I’ve got another child to worry about!

The DMV is the worst place on earth and, quite likely, the inevitable source of the impending zombie apocalypse. My drivers license expires at the end of this month and I’m considering just driving illegally until I get busted.

The DMV is an eternal pit of hell. I’m curious to see what it’s like here in Germany although from what I can tell, it’s just as bad or worse. So looking forward to getting my German license. *feeling impending doom*

It’s kind of like converting to Judaism. They make it hard for you cause they want to see if you are serious about making the commitment. Think of it as a public service. If you don’t have patience for waiting at the dmv, maybe you won’t contain hour road rage when yet another car pretends like you aren’t on the road and swerves past you with very little clearance. Or get yourself to a different DMV, like in upstate ny, where the whole thing – from entering to leaving with a moto permit – was far less than an hour. Good luck with the safety course. I hope you fare better than that guy on the bench in your picture.

This is the best! I mean, worst. The skeleton photo nails it, and suddenly I want to go gorge on Brady Bunch reruns on Hulu. Congrats on persevering and getting the permit! I rode on the back of my ex-husband’s motorbike every now and then, and even though the logical side of my brain tried to keep me from enjoying it, every other fiber of my being loved it.

I remember riding on an old bike when I was younger. Nothing like it in the world.
Sadly, the test seemed really simple (and very not-motorcycle-specific), so the feeling of accomplishment was very weighed down by the waiting.

You go, Guap, 100%!! Taking the class in lieu of the riding test is absolutely the way to go. Sorry you can’t make one till June…schedule as early as you can, as the classes are hugely popular. I can’t wait for your blog post about the class…there are sure to be blog

I’m not sure it is the worst theme park… I mean, your wait time was only 3 hours, and the ride only cost you around $20 bucks. That seems pretty good.
Congrats on getting your motorcycle permit. That’s very exciting!
I’ve always been interested in learning how to ride… but, I’m not entirely sure I’d enjoy it… the wind in the face, the helmet hair (hey, I still have a couple on my head), the idiot drivers around me… And, the only one that really matters, The Queen does not approve.

Yeah, TMWGITU doesn’t approve either, so I won’t be buying a bike, at least not in the foreseeable future.
But if I didn’t at least get the license (after wanting it for so long), we’d both have regretted it.
(I’d have made sure of that.) 😉

Love Tom Petty! Hate the DMV… (Hey, they actually grade the test? Is it paper? They use computers here – you have to stand up to use them at a counter. Creepy during sneezey flu season. Your fate in 10 questions. It takes them like 3 seconds to say you passed or not.)
YEA! congrats on the 100!

Gheez. Scrolling down to leave a comment is almost as bad as waiting at the DMV! i should try to get here earlier! I forgot what I was going to say, something witty about the no windows so the fun doesn’t escape caption most likely… :p

I dread the day when I finally decide to go to the DMV. Putting it off, but don’t tell anyone!

p.s. your comment reminded me of years ago waiting at the bus terminal when a dude was playing the guitar using a spoon as pick singing one of the traditional bus terminal songs, i was 15 being bounced around between divorced parents and totally intimidated by homeless people. Now why the hell did your comment make me think of that specific memory? I need a beer.

The thing I most remember beyond the smell (irk) was the mumbling and giggling. Do you still do that? The low conversation with your own self that nobody can understand, and laugh? Oh and cut your nails.

Oh I have pity on you, poor friend. The DMV is where intelligence and aptitude go to die. I need to make a visit soon to change my name on my license, and I’m probably going to put it off for the next year. So what if my license and SSA card don’t match? None of the systems talk to each other anyway.

The DMV is effed wherever you go, my friend. Speaking of which, where did you go? Was it Queens (Which I believe is your stomping grounds)? Fun fact–I’ve been in lots of DMVs in three states, and it never even OCCURRED to me that there would be one with more than one story.

I wrote about it once, and you may have read it, but I got the opportunity to twist a DMV employees words one time shortly after my mom’s death and make him squirm. The memory still makes me smile.