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I did it! After nine years of weekly therapy, I graduated to every other week. I'm cured! I kid. But really? Seeing Carolyn is more of a security blanket these days. As in, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." sort of thing. So, we're breaking it. Not completely, but at least cracking it a bit to see how it holds up. And I think I'm going to be JUST FINE. October was ( WAS. See? How awesome is that?) historically the month that I would have a complete meltdown and I'm no where near that today. And I wasn't last year either. Progress, people! Serious progress.

We had an interesting conversation this morning though. I've long held the belief that I am constitutionally shy. I fear rejection and I hate conflict which are two things that can happen when you put yourself out there. I have made incredible strides in managing these things, but that doesn't mean that they are gone. In the past, my shyness manifested itself by me holing up in my closet with a bottle in pure isolation. I'm shy. Therefore, I am not able to go out and face the world. A=B. That was a long held thought that overtook any sense of confidence and managed to sink me into oblivion for many years.

Well. I'm STILL shy. But I have different tools to manage it today. Last Saturday, a bunch of my recovery friends went country dancing. I've been there before. I'm a good dancer and yet, I. Could. Not. Make. Myself. Ask. Someone. To. Dance. Even though I've done it many times in the past. So, I leaned into Miss M and said, "I want to do it, but I can't. I just can't." And she said, "I know. You will, though." And about a half hour later? I did. Because I can. I just needed some time to shore up my guns and get over myself. AND, I needed to acknoweldge outloud what was going on with me in order to give it less power over my actions. It doesn't mean I don't still feel that ick inside sometimes, but I do what I have to do in order to get out there and live life. Because that's how I WANT to live my life today. I won't let the shyness win.

But here's the kicker. People who don't know me? Or people who know me, but don't know my heart - think that I am naturally outgoing and engaging. I don't present as someone with a horrible fear of interaction. I just don't. Not today, at least. And when I tell them I'm shy or scared or in fact terrified, by some person or situation, they tend to blow me off and say, "You're not shy! What is that nonsense?" Which is not helpful. And I don't blame them for not understanding. And it's my mistake for presuming they would understand in the way that Miss M or even Dancing Queen understand. They know that when I say something like I did last Saturday night, I'm just acknowledging the fear and asking for a little quiet encouragement in order to get out there and live. My character defects may not ever go away. But the awesome thing is - they don't dictate who I am today. And that's all kinds of cool.

In other news, the buttons are falling off my leather coat and I can't for the life of me, get a needle through the dang thing to sew them back on. Suggestions?

Whohooo! I am similar...I am terrified by rejection, confrontation and embarrassing myself although people too call me outgoing and a 'people person.' Ha! Why am I so afraid of the other ECFE Moms then?!?!?

Regardless of my insecurities - YAY! Congrats on your progress. That rocks. I'm so happy to hear that things are going well for you. Every step forward is something to be celebrated! Good for you.