My mind is going blank as I’m typing this. It’s feels weird, It feels terrifying, and even worse, It feels so peaceful!

I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how where I’m going with my words. I can’t structure my thoughts, I can’t be coherent right now. I want to , I so very badly want to but, I can’t.

I feel like a fraud. I feel like I’m deceiving and hurting people on purpose, I feel like there’s nothing wrong with my life and I am making everything hard for myself intentionally so I can milk empathy . I’m lying when tell myself “I’m a good person”. I’m not. The fact that I’m going to kill myself despite knowing what it’ll do to my family and the people who’ll witness my suicide shows exactly how evil and uncaring I truly am. The fact that I’m going to jump knowing there’s a very slim chance that I’ll land on an innocent person and kill them shows how much I deserve this pain.

Even this very note, which I constantly change and refine shows my true nature. An Evil, arrogant asshole.

But wait. I’m not done yet!

I love you. yes, you. You the person who’s reading this. I want to hug you and tell you how lovely you are, I want you to know that nobody in this world will ever be like you. Your flaws are unique and they make you the incredible person you are. I want to point out every damn awesome thing about you (which is everything) and show you how you are the only one who could have them. I want you to tell you how AWESOME you are. YOU’RE AWESOME AND FUCK YEAH YOU’RE AWESOME AND GOD KNOWS HOW EFFING AWESOME YOU ARE YOU DAMN AWESOME AWESOMESAUCE!

I want to take all your pain away, I want it to be mine. If I could suffer the worst of the worst to give you all the things you want and take all the sadness from you I would.

Dear everyone, I’m sorry that I can’t. I can’t help you. I can’t give you what I don’t have.

I’m a bad person. I am the worst human to ever live because I LOVE the world the way it is, I love that there’s pain, death , sorrow, selfishness, hate, hunger, despair, poverty, loss and the devil if he exists.

Because with no pain there would be no relief, with no death no one would cherish life, without selfishness there would be no selfless hero. without hate love would be meaningless. without hunger food would lose it’s majesty, without despair hope wouldn’t mean a thing, without loss we’d lose the joy of gain. without the devil, there would be no angels with beautiful wings and kind souls.

No one can see the light if darkness dies.

But wait. I’m lying! I love the world just because it exists. The world we have is nothing but a speck in the sea of infinity. The very fact that the laws of physics are the way they are, that we have mathematics, that we imagine things that cannot exist here using said mathematics, the fact that there are endless possibilities and we are one of them is just mind blowing to me.

I am suicidal because I have several mental illnesses and an environment around me that feeds the disease I have.

waiiit! I’m lying again!

Remember when I told you I’m arrogant? this is why (partially). I want to die to live again as crazy as it sounds. I want to experience every single possibility, every single world that can exist and every single thing in that particular world. I want to be a villain, I want to be a savior, I want to be a nobody. I want to be everyone. And everything. And being mentally ill is an excuse for me to have the chance to realize my dream sooner. To try my luck knowing the afterlife can very well be something different entirely , or not even that. There’s a good chance no afterlife exists AT ALL.

I am willing to take my chances. I’m running out of words. I feel like I’ve said what I wanted to say. I know I may be wrong. I know there’s a 99.99999% chance that suicide isn’t the answer. But I’m going to choose this false solution. And as of now, I haven’t been proven wrong.

Yep. You guessed it! No no no no I don’t mean the Linkin Park references. the true answer is, I’m lying again!

I want to die because my brain is messed up, because I’m not honest with my psychiatrist. Because I’m not trying my best to fix my problems and get better. Because I’m a lazy, selfish moron.

Why?

I. Don’t. Know.

echo “Begin wipe sequence”

sudo rm -rf /*

echo “Restart for the changes to take effect, good luck and god speed!”

I couldn’t do it dammit! I waited and waited and pictured myself jumping a dozen times yet when it was time my body froze. I called a friend and told him to meet me ASAP. I didn’t jump but I felt the regret of those who did. I now understand the sentence “everything was solvable except for the fact that I had jumped” going to live for now. I’ll post some updates later.