This morning the twins wandered to another room of the house and started playing with toys while I cleaned up from breakfast. That might seem “normal” for most two-year-old kids, but for the last few weeks my kids have been following me around the house whining if I tried to get anything done. The fact that they are starting to venture out a little bit on their own is a sign that they are feeling more comfortable in our home and that they are feeling more securely attached to me. It’s good news.

It’s also good news because it means I can get a few things done around the house (hopefully).

Today I got an email from a social worker and a grant agency both asking the same question. In fact, it is the question I get most (besides, “are they yours?” and “are they twins?”). The question most people seem to want answered is, “how is life with 4 (kids)?”

When people ask how I’m doing and my response is that I am tired, they usually say something that has to do with the fact that we now have four kids. I mean, sure, four kids keeps a mom busy, but that is not the tired I am referring to. The tired I am referring to is an internal tired that is the result of a long two year process of living with a heart and attention divided, of many, many late nights of planning and paperwork, of traveling and living in a third-world country with four kids under 6 years old for two months (there are a lot of logistics stateside, familyside, and ugandaside to coordinate for that!). It is a tired that results from exposure to sadness, brokenness, and injustice on a level that I’ve yet to see and experience this close to home (and in my own home). It’s a tired from having to be ceaselessly vigilant and on top of every detail all the time. Finally, it’s a tired from bottling up the questions, thoughts, emotions and the processing of said journey (because who has time to deal with that messy stuff when there are so many imminent demands in front of you?). But that’s not what this post is about.

This post is about life with four, and I guess, for me, life with four kids is easy and normal and totally doable- compared to what we have been through in the last few months (I’ll call that, “life with 4, plus”). This day-to-day reality where we have to (*get to) navigate temper tantrums, hungry mouths, laundry, play dates, homework, baths, etc (x4), feels restful. It’s restful because we are all here under one roof and we get to focus on just living and being a family. And that, is fun! We sleep well, laugh a lot, and have already figured out how to sneak in some fun adventures (again, it’s all about the perspective… after “adventuring” around Uganda with the four kids, pretty much anything we could scheme up here feels easy). We have also figured out how to get everyone out of the house on time in the morning (a victory to celebrate for sure)! Macy and Owen continue to be fantastic big sister and brother and there is peace in our home. At some hours of the day it’s a loud, chaotic peace, but it’s peace nonetheless and I am thankful for it.

(And if I take a long time to call or text you back, I hope you’ll forgive me, ha. I didn’t say I have an abundance of time of my hands, I just said I’m having fun!)

Today was a day I had dreamt about for a long time: Cora and Elias’ first doctor appointment. It was nuts. I don’t think I’ve mentioned on here that the kids do not like the doctors. At all. They have some traumatic memories associated with medical care, and every time we set foot near someone with a stethoscope around their neck (even minus the infamous white coat), the tears start flowing. This is why I have put it off a few weeks since our arrival home. I really wanted to give the kids some time to adjust without putting them in a situation where they had to be afraid. Time’s up!

We get to the doctors office and I’m greeted with 2 stacks of paperwork to fill out. The kids play happily with the toys and I start filling out the papers. All is well, I think. But the doctor is fantastically timely today and less than 5 minutes into my paperwork, the nurse comes out and calls us back. Then it begins- measurements, examinations, poking, prodding, and the grad finale, some vaccinations. I’m still trying to fill out the papers, but the kids are really upset and this is my chance to comfort them and establish more connection by meeting their needs. Paperwork loses and I’m on the floor, two crying babies on my lap. Doctor, perched on chair, talking through vaccination catch-up, circumcision quandary, and developmental milestones. It was unlike any previous appointment I’d had. We leave (babies comforted and quieted by now), and it’s my turn to cry. Thinking about these two, their crazy medical history, and the care they have needed but have been unable to get, is overwhelming and has been a point of sadness throughout our process. To be able to provide that care, is something quite wonderful (even though they hate it).

Today I’m thankful for that mess of an appointment- for the screaming babies, the vaccinations that made them cry, and for the oh-so-patient doctor and nurses who somehow managed to get high-fives from the kids on their way out… it’s another thing that has been re-framed for me in this season and something that one of you dear people will need to remind me of years down the road when preventative care (for myself or for my kids) is something that feels inconvenient.

Elias on the scale. Both kids have gained 5 lbs already! Elias is in the 10th percentile and Cora is in the 2nd. At the rate they are growing it won’t be long before they are right on track.

I call this the “I survived my first round of vaccinations” photo. Pictured is the good-natured nurse (in her cowboy costume for halloween) who gave them their shots. #snacksmakeeverythingfeelbetter #sodohugsfrommom #butmostlysnacks

I have always been a little “type-A,” but since being home I’ve noticed that two things stress me out in a way that they hadn’t before: excess and clutter.

I thought we lived simply- that there wasn’t that large of a margin of excess in what we use and what we have. I also thought that I kept things clutter free for the most part (except for maybe a few drawers of controlled chaos), but since our return from Uganda I’ve been feeling differently.

A few, case-and-point illustrations: First, I began to notice that loading the dishwasher was stressful for me. I’ve always loved loading the dishwasher because it is a chance for me to order and organize chaos (something I love to do on many levels). It also feels like a game to me (where I get to figure out how to fit in the most items in the most efficient way), so needless to say the feeling of stress caught me off guard. After a little assessment, I realized it was the process I go through to load it that bothered me- particularly, the sound of the running water in the sink that ran pointlessly while I loaded. I’d rinse a dish, let the water run, load, go back for the next dish, repeat. It never occurred to me before how much water I wasted just in that process alone, but since water has become something that is precious to me and that was scarce in Uganda, the sound of it being wasted bothered me on an internal level before I could even notice it and do something about it. I’ve now changed my routine so that the water doesn’t run pointlessly and I only use what I need to rinse off the dirty dish (also important because we find ourselves presently in a drought).

Also on my list of new unexpected stressors was getting dressed. When we were in Uganda I had 6 shirts, 6 bottoms (shorts, skirts and jeans combined), 6 pairs of underwear to choose from on any given day (if they were clean, that is)… and here, well, let’s just say I have more. My closet is very small to be sure, but it’s packed with things I wear only on occasion and even a few things I “might” want to wear some time in the future. Having some choice and having enough is freeing, but having excess is stressful. My small closet felt cluttered just because there were too many options. I missed the ease of getting dressed in Uganda. So, I have started to purge the things I do not need. I haven’t had time to go through the whole closet, or all the drawers in the house, but I am working my way through. Sometimes when I’m getting dressed and I see things I shouldn’t hold on to, I take them out right then and there- eliminating clutter as I see it and not waiting until I have a chunk of time to do it. That’s my strategy right now.

I’m really trying to pay attention to the new convictions I have as we re-acclimate into our life of comfort and ease. I don’t want to thoughtlessly resume old patterns that don’t work with the way I want to operate in the world. I’m realizing that the things I loved about the way we lived in Uganda can be reality here, too.

I know it’s been a quiet two weeks on the blog, but be fore-warned… a day is coming soon when there will be a fury of updates. Some of these updates will be ones from our days in Uganda- stories, musings and photos that I just did not have time (or energy) to finish and share at the time. Others will be updates from since we have been back- how the kids and family are doing, plus some other random and thought-provoking things I’ve been wrestling with.

Until then, thanks to all of you who have encouraged me about this blog and who have asked for more posts. Know that right now I’m focused on the most important work of transitioning the family well, and that as soon as there is some bandwidth in the evening hours (meaning that I don’t fall asleep sitting upright while trying to turn on the computer), you’ll hear from me.