It's not for the faint of heart.

Welcome to my slightly silly, often odd, and mostly messy life.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I have my first counseling appt. tomorrow

I wont go so far as to say that I'm dreading my appointment tomorrow, but in no way could I say that I'm looking forward to it. I'm not really good at expressing my feelings, especially in the company of strangers... at least not when I have to look at them. Talking about my fears, and revealing my insecurities to someone else makes me distinctly uncomfortable. I guess that's why I like blogging so much. It's fairly anonymous, and I don't have to look anyone in the eye or deal with uncomfortable stretches of silence.

On some level I feel silly that I can't deal with this on my own. It's not like I was beaten up on a daily basis, or chained to a wall and starved of human companionship. My counselor specializes in PTSD related to domestic violence - and I'm sure she is used to dealing with cases of women who have been truly, horrifically abused by their spouses. What I had was a single episode, and as traumatic as it was it was a single day... a moment in time. I feel weak for not being able to get over it and move on with my life.

What's odd is that I would never judge anyone else for getting counseling if they felt they needed it - and yet I'm embarrassed to be going myself. I don't want to tell anyone outside of my immediate family. I feel as though I'll be judged and found lacking, or that somehow I'll disappoint someone.

6 comments:

Your experience was no less damaging then anyone else's whether it was one time or many times. My husband used to tell me, you are not abused - you've never had a broken bone or been to the hospital. No minimizing!!! : )

I agree with Cassee01. The fact that the abuse was not longterm doesn't make it any less valid. Plus, in a way there was mental abuse all throughout your marriage....or at least I always felt there was. You suffered a trauma (mental & physical). You deserve to receive help. There is someone who is waiting to help you. Be brave and proud that you are willing to take care of yourself.

I'm gonna side with cassee01 & GG - you don't get to the point of having a rifle pointed at you without a whole lotta other shit going down first.

It's good that you're seeking help. Trust me, they're used to dealing with people that have trouble expressing their feelings. They'll help you through that - it's what they do. If you have to - close your eyes & talk. Or imagine you're relating this to BLT.

Trust your therapist and let it out.

(Or cheat & do what I do - write notes out ahead of time to remind you what you wanted to say).

About Me

There are many words to describe me. Survivor, Mother, Daughter, Lover. I'm engaged to an amazing man and exploring this second chance at happiness. I have four kids, two dogs, and one restraining order on my psychotic ex-husband. This is my place to be honest with myself and work through my multitude of issues. Grab a cuppa' Joe and stay awhile. There's more to me than meets the eye.

Followers

Cast of Characters

You'll often hear me refer to the following people in my life:

BLT: The Fiance'- a guitar player, artist, and all around freaking hot as hell man in my life. I'm not sure how I got so lucky to be honest. Good lord I hope he doesn't wise up and figure out he can do better!

Ethel: My best friend since childhood. She is the Ethel to my Lucy, and we get into rediculous and crazy spots together. Her patience with me is legendary. She should be sainted.

Chef: My oldest child - and an amazing cook, a teenage Paula Dean! This one has goals for the future that include the Air Force and Medical School.

Lady Bug: My second child. Very sweet, but very dramatic and a bit flakey. A lover of music, glitter and small animals.

TNT: My loud, willfull, and emotional third child. A lot of bang in a tiny package. Broken bones aren't uncommon. There is just too much energy and not enough healthy fear in this one!

Monkey Pants: The baby of the family. We know we spoil her... none of us can help it. She counts on those big doe eyes to keep her out of trouble. Sometimes it even works!

Fraggle: BLT's toddler. We hope to all be a family soon when Fraggle comes to live with us. Crazy curls and and an absolute show off in a tutu make her one of a kind.

X: The ex husband who is the major headache in my life. Released from jail after only 19 months for trying to shoot me... he is now doing everything possible to cause me grief through the courts while just barely toeing the line and not violating my restraining order. My daily prayers that he be eatten by rabid animals have gone unanswered.