Friday, July 27, 2007

Legendary games only happen so often. In my lifetime, I can remember two. When Duke crushed the hopes and dreams of millions of Kentucky fans (and a certain group of thespians) in '92 and last night, where a rag-tag group of normals defeated the redneck all-stars in a softball game that could have only gotten its due if Gus Johnson was screaming nonsense at the mic. In a game where there are too many heroes to list, the team with sharp orange jerseys screamed victory after Big Perm laced a missile past "Johnny-kick-the-fence" scoring McElfresh easily from second, leading to an on-field celebration consisting of utter confusion and awkwardness. (Many of you may not understand the significance of this victory since you haven't played on our softball team for six years. Or I guess you all will, as the only people who read this are people on the team, but whatever.) Finishing the season 5-3 with a trip to the final four would be unheard of any other year for this band a jackals, but the addition of a few ringers and a bold move putting Pickle-dick on the bump proved to be the deciding factor in this season's run. Any other night this team would have folded under the intense screaming and psychotic theatrics exhibited by the opposition, but as our fearless leaders Raynoch and "How 'Bout Ya!" sat watching, our dreams took flight as for one night Camp Taylor Softball Filed, nay Softball Stadium, was our Kingdom.

Wow. That took me like an hour and a half. This is completely off the topic, but there is a man seeding our backyard that I've never seen before, should I be worried? Anyway, I have never felt two different yet awesome emotions simultaneously as I did last night. I was shocked that we won; moreover, I was so glad that we beat those fucking loudmouth redneck jabroni's (John's word).

Tony LaRussa is a jerk-off. Several years ago I realized this when, as manager of the Cards, he began batting his pitcher in front of his catcher as if he were some sort of revolutionary. First of all, I did that all the time in "Baseball Stars" because I usually powered my pitchers first; and second of all, that's retarded. Anyway, toolbag here struck again a few nights ago when we (the Cubs) were in St. Louis. With less than two outs and Soriano on third, LaRussa pulled his corners in. Understandable. It was fairly early and the Cardinals were losing (as usual). The LaRussa wrinkle was thrown in as the pitch came to The Riot, his middle infielder's came sprinting in. The Riot watched the first pitch, looked around as if to say "what the fuck was that," and stepped out. The next pitch, sure enough, they came sprinting in again, and The Riot, clearly rattled, ripped a single to left. Good work. It was clearly a ploy to distract the batter, and it failed miserably. If you truly want to revolutionize the game butt-munch put Pujols behind the plate and bat him eighth. Then I'll respect you.

Worse than what happened on St. Louis Wednesday is what occurred in Philadelphia. If anyone needed any reason to completely remove the nationals (I accidentally didn't capitalize the 'n' here, but when I came back to change I concluded that the nationals don't deserve it) from Major League Baseball, all you need to see is one play. No not the 10, 000 foot walk-off from Ryan Howard, which was embarassing. But the play that tied the game. With an 0-2 count and two outs, Jimmy Rollins lifted a fly ball towards the gap, and the two assholes in the outfield (I don't have to know their names because they're nationals) collided and dropped the ball. The relay was then botched and Rollins began tearing for home. All was to be saved, though, as the crap shortstop made a good throw to the plate, beating Rollins by a step. Alas! Their awful catcher dropped the ball and Rollins slid in safely. Watch the play. You could only use birth certificates to prove to me that anyone on that field (besided Rollins) was over 11 years old.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Man, these pictures look like shit. They honestly don't look like this in the preview. I need a real website. Someone "discover" me. They look exactly the same, though. Harang is kind of a stretch, but pay attention next time you see him--it's there.

Yesterday, today, and tomorrow have been and will be three of the most difficult days of my life as I have to root for the shitty Reds. Who, like the Shitty Beatles, suck. Well whatever; sweep the Brewers in GABP and I'll say that Brandon Phillips is "passionate;" not a total douche.

This may be a little late seeing as this happened a while ago but where does Dan Patrick think he is going? His radio show, while entertaining, is fine where it is. Will there be a way for it to get any bigger or better? I don't understand. Does he want to go on XM so he can curse and have no one hear it? That seems to be his only option; unless there is some sort of new media that no one knows about....

Look out! It's back! The shitty, overhyped, pointless 6:00 Sportscenter has a new gimmick! After the aforementioned DP failed miserably in this time slot, where only day baseball highlights are somewhat interesting, SC seems to want to throw their other radio jocks into this arena to fall flat on their balls. Mike Greenberg is funny, talented, and even entertaining when there is little to talk about (6 o'clock mid-week). Mike Golic, however, blows donkey balls. As it happens, I have always wanted to call him "donkey-lips." Just give up, ESPN. Go back to that SC sucking with the minor league chumps from ESPN news. Revert to the highlights and get away from the stupid shit like "Who's Now" and the NHL.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Padraig Harrington is already really, really drunk. He is "out on the piss," as it were. There is no question that I felt bad for Sergio blowing the lead in the Open, but I was happy to see Harrington finally win a major--he's a really good player. However, if the first three majors are any indication, this will be the "year of the chucker" on the PGA Tour. Zach Johnson really sucks at golf. I don't want to offend any Iowan's, but he blows and is a total dork. Angel Cabrera? He rarely plays on tour and his best finish besides the win at Oakmont is 19th. He's also missed three cuts of nine tournaments. I guess I'm wondering if the rest of the players are catching up with Tiger. After last year, I kinda figured Phil was getting there. In true Mickelson fashion, though, he has laid an egg this year. But his back probably hurts. I guess we'll have to wait and see, but if Stewart Cink wins the PGA I'm gonna shit.

Ok, if you missed the A-Rod-Kobe matchup on "Who's Now," fear not! There was a recap on the dual on a later edition of Sportscenter. That's right folks. We are now showing highlights of the made-up competition pitting athletes against one another. What are they recapping?!?!?! It's not like a presidential primary. Are they gonna start having "exit polls" on the bottom line? What could they possibly be talking about? "The people voted for A-rod, Stu." "Boo-yah!" That's the only acceptable review.

In other news, Brandon Phillips celebrated after reaching on an error. That's the third time that I have personally seen that occur. I will unfortunately have to admit that he's having a fairly good season this year, which is all the more reason not to celebrate after someone duff's a grounder. Keep pounding your fists and clapping Brandon; you play for the shittiest team in baseball. See how many people will watch you celebrate after your squad trades that donkey in left field.

Jacque Jones is terrific. Not at baseball, just in general. He has to be the happiest guy in Major League baseball--and he rarely plays. Any other player of his caliber would have bitched so much about his playing time that they would have already been gone. Not Jacque. He simply goes about his business of waiting for people to get hurt, then he comes in and rakes. I want him to start every day in center. Let Pagan and Floyd and whoever else platoon out there in right. Jacque won't let us down. Sure he may throw the ball directly into the ground at times, which is completely inexplicable, but he will hustle and play with a humongous smile every day. As chumpy as it sounds, it's refreshing in the wake of Michael Vick murdering dogs and Gary Sheffield being a total racist psychopath to see someone like Jacque play. There are still good people in pro sports--now learn how to swing, Jacque.

Along those same lines, as much as I love the kid, it's time for DeRosa to start everyday at second and for FonteNOT to sit. He can stay up; just not batting THIRD.

How many episodes of Becker are there? It is on WGN five nights a week! If I had to guess, I'd say fifteen. Also, The Greg Behrendt Show? That guy is the biggest pussy in the world. You kind of get the feeling that these chuckers--Ted Danson and Greg Behrendt--are paying WGN to put them on TV. How can the same network have my favorite baseball team's award-winning coverage and these shows. Don't even get me started on the movies. I haven't heard of any of them ever. WGN is a glorified public access channel with awesome baseball coverage. Begging the question, why aren't the Cubs on every day? More people have to watch baseball at 2 in the afternoon than the shit they show. How mad to you get when you bust it to get home by two and turn on WGN and fucking Moesha or some shit is on? It makes me wanna go Mike Vick on some dogs or someting. I hope that phrase catches on...

As a quick aside, Jacque just got the Cubs first hit, singling in Fontenot. Sweet justice.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Clearly, these are words that Ex-UCLA assistant coach Denny Crum has never uttered. His voice on the radio is atrocious. Apparently, though, his appearance is too repulsive for television. That is, however, until 5:32 the morning of July 18th. That is the exact time and date where Denny's disgusting appearance and God-awful voice tragically crossed paths--he sang in a Fischer's bologna commercial. The commercial in itself was "Safe Auto-esque," as the faux-conversation was awkward and the filming was awful at best. But when it came time for the tagline at the end, Denny stood and began singing uncomfortably as the ad came to a close. The entire commercial really gave you the feeling of "wow, Denny's really hit the shits." But the end really iced it all. It is an absolute must see. Watch local programming constantly for the next week.

ESPN will not give in. They will do anything to force us to watch "Who's Now." What now? How about Doug Heffernan and Jessica Biel joining the panel. Two people who I could not care less about seeing early in the morning...on Sportscenter. Follow up: why is Kevin James always wearing Nike athletic gear? Does he think that makes him look in shape? It doesn't. It makes him look fat and pathetic. Speaking of pathetic, guess who raps the them to the shitty segment? If you guessed TI, you're what's wrong with this country. In the rap, he says something along the lines of "Sportscenter's poppin', everything is stoppin'."

Unfortunately, because of these chumps, Sportscenter is no longer "poppin'." If ESPN isn't careful, they will turn in to MTV and sell out to douchebag teens. Just as it's not about the music on MTV, it's starting to seem like it's not about the highlights on Sportscenter. Don't make me watch Fox Sports Final Score, because I will. As long as Karl Ravech doesn't molest his hair-dresser, BBTN will suffice.

Speaking of highlights, no need to wait till September for the UK-UL football game highlights, a couple of dickwads on www.insidetheville.com have already played it on Playstation. Apparently, according to "Casual Wood,"the UK running back gets lit up pretty good. So I guess we shouldn't run the ball or else this spontaneous boner-popper may give Rafael Little a nice donkey punch.

Also, Jaxcard, I am very disappointed that you watched the linked video AND responded.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

I, admittedly, am not an animal lover. I have nothing against animals (except when the pee and poo on stuff), but I usually find it odd when people cry and shit when one dies (Barbaro...). Perhaps I would understand if I owned one; as for now, I just hope they don't pee on my clothes. However, the footage of dog fights is absolutely insane. What is wrong with people? Is there nothing better for rich people to do with there time? Or is it that Vick is just a total loser? Apparently this runs in the family, as Marcus is also a complete piece of shit. Recall he is the one who provided two girls, aged 14 and 15, with alcohol. In return they had to strip for him. Good work, Marcus. Anyway, I find it really difficult to understand why athletes with all the talent, fame, and money in the world to keep from doing this ridiculous shit. Marcus Vick could have banged nearly any girl in Blacksburg on name alone; but he decides, instead, to intoxicate high school freshman. What a creep. Regardless, Petrino is not going to put up with this garbage for long. Plus, I don't think Vick is his guy anyway. Culpepper is now available though...

Aramis Ramirez is awesome. I will say that he got a little excited with his bat flip last night, but who cares. When the Cubs need a big hit, he is definately who we need swinging. Lee is all but finished in that role as he swings through every single fastball he sees and Soriano just swings. Ramirez is patient and he always hits the ball very hard. If he keeps this up and the rest of the Cubs keep playing (and pitching) as well as they have since June, they will win the Central with ease. I guess we'll have to wait and see what weird shit goes down to ruin their chances at getting to the series this year. Or they'll just lose to the Mets or something.

I hope they can continue winning. Rich Hill looked a lot more together last night, but they should never lose to the Giants. They suck.

Welcome to Chicago Jason Kendall! I have hated you your entire career, but now I love you! See how that works? God I hope the Cubs don't sign Ryan Freel, Milton Bradley, Jason Larue, or Ty Cobb; if that happens, I'd have to puncture my eyeballs.

Rick Bozich is clearly a big fan of timeliness. Today, for instance, he wrote about Billy Donovan and how he made a good decision staying at Florida. Didn't that happen months ago? Does it take that long for Blow-zich to formulate a coherent thought? I understand that it was SEC media day, but isn't there more pertinent news like, oh I don't know, what UK's coach said! I don't know if I speak for everyone when I say that I don't give two shits about "Billy the Kid" anymore. He is at Florida; they are going to suck; and he f-ed over the Magic. This article should have been published the week that he went back to Florida, and it still would have sucked balls.

But you were right about one thing: you going to Minnesota would've kicked so much ass. Apparently that is where we send all the unwanted...

Sunday, July 15, 2007

It looks as if Piniella has taken my advice. After reading a previous post, he has decided to move Soriano to the five spot against lefties. Sure that's only like twenty percent of the games, but it's a start. Now the rest of you need to follow Lou's lead and listen and adhere to all things said on Rant-astic!

When did Dick Stockton start doing baseball? More importantly, when will that end? Not only was he completely awkward and unsure about everything that he said, he made at least two glaring mistakes. First, he called Alfonso Soriano "Aldolfo." If anyone can present proof to me that there is one person in the world named "Aldolfo" I'd be shocked. Second, he said that Derrek Lee played last season with the Brewers and Rangers. I can see that he meant Astro Carlos Lee, but get it together, Dick. If FOX isn't going to send Joe Buck, then don't televise the game.

Gary Sheffield????????????? Listen, Sheff, I think that the wagging of your bat is not a nervous twitch. I think, instead, that it is telling you "no." As in, don't speak when there are cameras and microphones around. First you say stupid shit about Latin American players; then you bad-mouth Joe Torre and Derek Jeter. You're really stupid.

Apparently every meaningful sportwswriter was on vacation this weekend because "The Sports Reporters" had Rick Bozich and some other tool I'd never seen on today. The first question posed was where A-Rod was going to end up last year. Each person had their stupid quip, but Blow-zich topped them all by answering the question with a question of his own. "Where is Scott Brosius?" OH! Take that Lupica! The rest of the show was filled with Rick's uncomfortable comments and unfinished thoughts. He was pretty much just on the set as the others bickered nonsensically for thirty minutes. Way to go Rick; you did us well.

In other C-J news, Brian Bennett looked to be a step late in linking Brian Brohm's stupid website. Also, I must say that Eric Crawford is slowly beginning to grow on me.

Friday, July 13, 2007

I feel that I am completely safe in assuming that tonight, while at the newest Harry Potter movie, that it was the first and last time anyone wore plaid shorts and Sperry's to a movie about magic and spells. I don't know who is the bigger chump; me or the droves of weirdos who showed up for this movie dressed like wizards (for most of those losers that will be their only contact with a wizard's sleeve). Burned! Without giving away too much, I would be remiss if I didn't mention some of the major points in the film. Spoiler Alert!

Harry Potter is a gigantic douche. He says the cheesiest shit and cries like a little bitch in this movie.

Harry Potter is a gigantc pussy. At one point he makes out with this hot little Asian bird, but when she comes back for round two, he gives her the cold shoulder like he's Bond or something. Later, he kinda hits on this blonde chick but she's pretty broke. He really blew it.

British people have annoying accents and ugly faces. That's it.

The dorks in the theater suck. For some reason, dorks laugh at EVERYTHING. Here is an actual excerpt that tickled the shit out of the dweebs:

Ugly Chick: "Do you ever stop eating?"

Super ugly dude: "What? I'm hungry."

Uproarious laughter with a smattering of applause. I understand that people laugh in movie theater's. That's OK. Dork laughter, however, is a different animal. Either it's the rapid breathing and slurping of spit or they simply scream the word HA! in brisk succession. Whichever method is chosen by the square, I always feel like they are getting snot everywhere.

In all honesty, the movie wasn't that horrible. I couldn't really follow it because we had popcorn, but there were some pretty crazy wizard/magic fights!

Sport's tomorrow...nothing happened. The Cubs won. Zambrano may have been a little more accurate than once thought with his predictions at the beginning of the season...

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Yes, the second baseman of the Las Vegas 51's tested positive for something or other, and is suspended 100 games. So if you had him in your office pool to be a September call-up for the Dodgers, things do not look good. In other news, in order to outrun scrutiny, Collin Finnerty is transferring to Loyola (MD). I'm sure he would like to thank ESPN for making that information public to millions of viewers. Kudos.

Ah, the All-Star game. The pageantry, the majesty, the...awkwardness. It's time to do away with the pregame nonsense that accompanies the game. Is anything more awkward than an old baseball player being paraded around the field in either a crappy golf cart or, in the case of last night, a pink Cadillac. Aren't those associated with hookers or something? Then he starts chucking baseballs into the crowd (and almost into a security guard's junk) to his "adoring" faithful. I say this with a certain degree of facetiousness as at least 30% of that crowd is too young to care about Willie. Even I, an avid baseball fan who realizes his greatness and importance, don't care about him. Announce him; give him a nice ovation; then start the game. I can't help but feel like this is Chris Berman's fault. He always overreacts with shit like this and gets emotional. God, he is such a douche.Barry Bonds is creepy. He has a scary voice and a gigantic dome. Why was he trying to hold Mays' hand as they walked? I understand that he is his godfather, but get away from him. Let him enjoy his moment without you hanging all over him. He probably hates you like everybody else because you're a 'roid head anyway.Uh-oh Card's fans. is Brian Brohm about to go the way of Dave Ragone? Maybe....http://www.brianbrohm.info. Last time the Cards hyped a QB, Ragone ended up doing his best impression of Heath Schuler all season. It was bad. I understand that Brohm is MUCH better than Ragone; and he has a genuine shot at the Heisman. He won't win though. Because he plays for Louisville. Face it d-bags, no one cares about DA VILLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! THROW UP YOUR L'SSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!! Does that portrayal have enough obnoxiousness to be accurate?

One more thing about DA VILLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! I stupidly read your message boards sometimes and there is still bitching about how much better you would've been with Mike Bush. It's true. You would've been. But that's over. You won the damn Orange Bowl. Be happy about that. Injury excuses are so lame. This is one lesson I learned as a roofer....

Story: Early one morning, our fearless leader, Larry, nearly sawed his leg off. It was gross. There was, however, an aura of excitement surrounding my cohorts and I as we suspected that without a foreman, we'd be told to head on home. Just as that feeling began to dance in or hard-hats, an ambitious dolt (my father), picked up the saw and simply stated, "Nuthin' we can do but work, boys." Our hopes were dashed. So, in the face of adversity, we did our duty with Larry left bleeding to death in the truck. He lived, and for one short day, Eddie was king.

Moral: When using a saw, move the blade AWAY from your body.

Set your watch; the All-Star game madness continues tonight as the Futures game is on at 8. Also, what the hell is Fred Hickman doing with this "First Take?" He seems like he doesn't know shit about sports. But Candy Maldanado does; thus, he will be a guest on the show tonight at 10. The Candyman can.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Cause for Confusion #1: Chicago CubsI certainly do not want to overstep my boundaries or put a hex on anything at this moment, but the Cubs should be in first place by three or more games right now in the NL Central. They need to make one simple adjustment to their lineup. DON'T BAT ALFONSO SORIANO LEAD-OFF!!! I know he wants to bat lead-off, but if you're Lou Piniella you have to grow some balls and tell him no. Kick some dirt on him or whatever you do. Act like the crazy old man that you are and call him into your office for a little "pep talk." Make certain you have shorts on and the legs hiked up super high so he can see your prunes and start preaching like a weirdo. Five minutes into your rambling sermon about the importance of run production and he'll do whatever he can to get out of your office. Do whatever it takes--just get it done. Soriano has fifteen homeruns at this point with only 33 RBI's. The only other player with that many bombs and less batted in is John Buck--but he plays for the shitty Royals so he doesn't count. This seems so clear to me that I feel like I am really missing something. Kind of like when the Reds batted Dunn leadoff--when his OBP was like .250 and he never saw more than 5 pitches. Soriano swings at EVERYTHING--which is fine, but he doesn't give the rest of the lineup a look at the pitcher at all. Bat The Riot or Fontenot leadoff, and put Lee in the two hole because he has mysteriously lost his power, and bat A-Ram and Soriano 3-4 in any order. I understand he's a threat to steal bases and such, but he has too good a bat to be wasted at the top.

Cause for Confusion #2: The NBAOh I get it, Kelenna Azubuike is a seasoned veteran, right? Is that why he's scoring 29 in Summer League Games and "Wonder-Man" Greg Oden is fouling people at an alarming clip. He's like a seven-foot Alhaji Mohammed. Who, incidentally, says he is 95 years old on his Myspace profile; but he has a rockin' INPA and Outkast jam. Check it out: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=22778780Ok, sorry. Anyway, in two games Oden has 19 fouls. Here is my confusion; why do they get ten fouls a game? That doesn't make any sense. That's like Spring Training games giving hitters 12 strikes--and they have to keep running on the ninth batter. You know David Eckstein would watch the first eleven strikes too. Anyway, stop fouling people. You're tall. Just stand there. Oh, and practice your free throws. You should probably just shoot them left-handed again; because you suck right-handed.

Cause for Confusion #3: UK FootballThis is not so much confusion as shock and terror. First the shocker (bet you tools love hearing that). UK has the fourth toughest schedule in the SEC East, and sixth overall. Shocked? No you say? They have the eleventh toughest schedule in the country. What is that about? This is going to piss off so many UL fans but the rest of the country is shit compared to SEC football; and Florida proved that last year. Sure because UK is in that conference doesn't mean that they're elite or even good, but they certainly would fare much better in any other conference. They're schedule as it stands has at least three automatic losses at the beginning of the season, and thats assuming we get Ole Miss and MSU from the West. We don't beat UF and UT ever; somehow we got UGA last year; we should always beat USC but never do; UL is beatable due to the emotion; Vandy is good now...kinda; potentially, UK could beat everyone they should and lose seven (UL, Arkansas, UF, UGA, UT, USC, LSU). However, I honestly believe that we will beat Louisville. It's our time with seasoned vets back, and the fact that they have a new coach. It's our best shot since we had fatty. We just need to do something about Brohm...

All of that being said, here's the scary part. KSR (Kentucky Sports Radio) had Kent State's coach on last week, and they possess our kryptonite: a dual-threat QB. They are picked to win the MAC, which is always a tough conference. They will give us a lot of trouble; let's hope we learned from those "easy-win" games last year.

Cause for Confusion #4: My NoseSeriously, what's with all the nosebleeds? I had three today.

Friday, July 6, 2007

That's pretty much all I got about him, pretty old and pointless news. It looks like he is going to eat this microphone, though. Anyway, in an occupation such as his own, one should be careful not to inflate, simply due to the fact that each bad call he makes will be blamed on his flab. Ed Hochuli has it right. Froemming is retiring after this season; so good riddance, fatty.

The "Who's Now" segment on ESPN has gone far enough. We have become so celebrity-driven in our society that we are now voting on who is the "cooooooooooolest athlete around?" What are we, eight? A recent matchup in the Ali Bracket pitted Super Bowl Champion Peyton Manning against swimmer Amanda Beard. He slaughtered her. Her only chance was that she posed for Playboy, and men like nudity. A forthcoming thriller has slated A-Rod vs. seven seeded Terrell Owens. If this was at all based upon what ESPN thought, TO would be a one seed and breeze through the field. This is just so stupid. Making it worse, though, is the personalities telling us who to vote for. What???????? This should be nothing more than an ongoing Page 2 poll.

Andrew Bogut, we all remember, is Woo's bitch. However, Bogut had some pretty choice words for his NBA counterparts, saying that the fans were right and they only cared about money and possessions, in so many words. Yeah. Thanks Andrew. What next, they're crybabies too? Here's my problem with this; it's really not even my problem. If any player took offense to this, which many may, he will get punched in the balls first time down the floor by each one of them. Why say this? leave it alone. Everyone knows this; just don't say anything.

Everyone remember Brook Lopez? She sounds hot, right? Well he is a center for Stanford's basketball team. If anyone watched the UL-Stanford game in tournament, you would realize how ridiculous it would be for him to be the overall number one pick in next year's draft. Not Mike DeCourcy of The Sporting News. I don't know anything about evaluating talent; but if he goes number one, I would be completely shocked. He looked so bad against UL, I can't believe he would even get drafted. But DeCourcy knows more than I, and I guess he has a huge upside or whatever.

One final tidbit. The eight year olds from Germantown (my old team) banged out forty hits on their way to slipping past Rockford Lane in a barn-burner, 31-0. I mean, they published this in the Courier. Rockford Lane had better pitching when I was younger.

Sorry about the Froemming thing. I just wanted to see what it was like to post a picture.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Not only has this week brought on new employees at my work, and consequently new struggles at the time clock, but also a fair amount of annoyances from the big, fat, whiny world of sports.

First off, Eric Crawford sure is bitchy. For those who don't know, Crawford is the relatively new, menopausal columnist at Louisville's Courier-Journal. He does deserve his due, however, as he is far better than his colleague, Rick Bozich; he stuns me week in and week out with his weak takes and weaker vernacular. Weak. Ok, back to him shortly. A recent Crawford article takes aim at UK's Billy Gillispie, or as the d-bags on the message boards call him, BCG, and his continuous recruiting of players from the class of '09 and '10. For starters, he is not the first coach to do this; and, more importantly, this is a very sly way of snagging young talent away from the competition. Think back to when you were sixteen; how impressionable were you? I commend Gillispie for taking advantage of these teens (stop it) and getting them to sign early. It's better than UK's previous recruiting methods, which apparently comprised of Tubby taking prospects to Rafferty's (they have large portions), and preaching to them the joys and beauty of a functioning ball-line defense. In most cases, this process will likely end up as a success story for both parties. Sure there are risks involved as this practice has often ended with the player opting out of his scholarship. However, if all of the promises are kept from the coaching staff to the prospect (and it appears that they will be), then there should be no problem. Of course no one truly knows what will happen in the coming years, but more often than not this will prove beneficial for both the player and the program. Thus, sir Crawford, I truly understand the difficulties of being a columnist in a non-baseball town during the heat of summer (we all read the "back in time" piece), I just ask that your views not always depend on attacking.

Ok, let's continue my attack on Courier-Journal columnists. I truly do not want to sound like a jealous loser, but I want these people's jobs. So, yeah, I'm a little jealous. But seriously, the Barry Bonds article?! Right off, who gives a shit if Rick Bozich doesn't watch the all-star game? I know Bud Selig doesn't. Secondly, you're just wrong. You're always wrong. You are just a wrong person. Always. Anyway, there is absolutely every reason that Barry Bonds should start in the all-star game. I'll give you one easy one. IT'S IN HIS HOME BALLPARK!!!!!!!!!! When was the last time the home team didn't have a starter. Do you remember Jason Bay? Also, despite the glaring evidence to the contrary, Barry Bonds has not been proven guilty of anything. If he had, he wouldn't be able to play at all. His numbers are not that bad, but he's about to break the most important record in baseball; let him get his cheers; God knows he get his boos.

Listen, I'm no Bonds apologist. I don't want to see him break this record as much as anyone else. But let's be real; the guy can't sit the game out in his hometown. That's just ridiculous.

Alright, I'm going to try and come stronger tomorrow with my theories on how in God's name Bruce Froemming got so fat--and kept his job umpiring.