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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I dreamt of my brother last night and it’s making me a bit uneasy because normally when I dream vividly or in a way where the dream ‘sticks’ with me, it usually has a way of coming true… maybe not immediately, but sometime in the future something may happen where a light bulb will go off and I end up thinking, Holy shit, I dreamt about this happening.

I used to be pretty close with my brother but then life happens and people make choices that we don't all agree with and end up going down different paths.

When we were kids, I used to always want to play with him; I basically wanted to be him. He’s 3 years older than me and I hated being a girl. I wanted a BMX like him, I wanted to play soccer like him, I wanted to play baseball like him. He never let me tag along though. I’d follow him around like a lost puppy and just sort of show up wherever he was and if he saw that I was there, he and his friends would taunt me until I ran away.

We weren’t very close growing up at all. Actually none of us (Brother, Sister, myself) were. We each sort of fended for ourselves and went about our youthful days alone or with our friends, pretty much excluding one another from our lives outside of the family life.

When I was around 11, Brother became friends with his best friend, Paul. Paul was Brother’s age and deaf. Brother was the only kid in the school Paul transferred into that befriended him. Paul had a little sister, Jennifer. And soon, Brother, Paul, Jennifer and I would hang out…usually it was at their house because they didn’t have a dad and their mom pretty much let them do whatever they wanted with whomever they wanted.

So at age 11, the four of us would walk around the streets late at night smoking cigarettes or we’d hang out at their home cussing and acting like a bunch of bad asses that we actually weren’t. This was about the time when I learned to ride my bike home whilst looking like a retard – my greatest apologies to anyone with any kind of disabilities, of course.

Yep, I was around 11 and hanging out with Jennifer a lot and riding my bike home the mile or two from their house late at night and because I was always the type of person to think the worst case scenario, I was sure that some strange, creepy predator would come out and try to attack me or kidnap me or rape me. So to avoid that from happening, I’d ride my bike as fast as I could with my face in odd contortions and if I happened to pass some man on the street walking, I’d make odd creepy noises. I was certain this would keep the crazies away… and apparently it worked because I was never attacked, or raped, or kidnapped.

Anyway it was around this time in our lives when I was closest with my brother, but it didn’t last long. Soon we moved from my childhood home and Brother, now in high school, was never home and Jennifer and I lost contact due to the move so I rarely saw my brother.

It actually wasn’t until my late teens when Brother and I reconnected. Ironically it was also around this same time when Jennifer and I reconnected because, lo and behold, Brother and Jennifer ended up getting married one day and having a baby! I started hanging out with them a lot in my early 20s and then when I was like 24, Jennifer decided she no longer loved Brother the way a wife loves a husband, and she decided she wanted to be single again so left her kids (one from a prior relationship and my nephew) with Brother.

After Jennifer left, I moved in with Brother and the kids to help take care of the two kids. We became pretty close during those years because aside from him, I was his son’s primary caretaker (the other child ended up moving back in with Jennifer). I lived with him for almost five years before realizing I had to move out and start living life for myself.

Then two and half years ago, my brother decided to allow my nephew to move in with his mother (Jennifer). Brother and Nephew’s relationship deteriorated. Brother reconnected with someone he had a relationship with prior to marrying Jennifer, and moved to another state to be with this woman and her two kids. They got married in March of 2007. They’re expecting their first baby (together) in the summer. Brother and his son haven’t talked since my wedding in June 2007. I haven’t talked to Brother since around the same time, as well.

I understand the choices he made. I do not, however, understand his near abandonment of his son. And that’s where I draw the line. Of course I love my brother, but I don’t like him much these days. I used to feel sorry for him, but not anymore. You simply don’t have a child with someone and throw them away when the going gets tough and run off and have a child with someone else. It’s just not right.

Anyway, the dream: He came to visit. His wife was still pregnant and still trashy. He decided he was going to stay here and not go back home to his wife. I was surprised by this but also happy. I felt like I could finally tell him how I felt about his wife and the whole situation.

I don’t really remember anything specific, but I do remember the players and I do remember that he left her. And I do remember it being a happy dream.

We'll see what happens in reality. Not my problem either way but I do find it creepily intriguing when parts of my dreams come true.

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A pair of shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.They are ugly shoes.Uncomfortable shoes.I hate my shoes.Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.Yet, I continue to wear them.I get funny looks wearing these shoes.They are looks of sympathy.I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.They never talk about my shoes.To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.There are many pairs in this world.Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.No woman deserves to wear these shoes.Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.They have made me who I am.I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

~Author unknown

About Me

I'm a 30+ year old wife to my best friend, my rock. I'm an aunt to 3 nephews, 2 nieces and great-aunt to 1 great-niece. I've known for a good 10+ years that being a Mom was something I need to do in my life - and after 7 months of trying to conceive, received my BFP on 7/3/08. Unfortunately, after 4 weeks of falling more and more in love with baby, I suffered a missed miscarriage and had to endure a D&C on 7/30/08. This is my journey toward ending the "About Me" and beginning the "About Baby" stage in life.