Friday, 25 April 2007

My plan worked! The humans couldn't figure out why I kept flooding my cage, but
that's because I am much more clever than they are. Eventually the excess
water weakened the cardboard panel holding me in, and escape was mine!

Until they replaced the cardboard panel. Curses! They tricked me back into
the cage by offering me food. Food is my one weakness!

This is only a minor setback, victory shall be mine!

Currently eating: carrot cake crumbs from a plate the human
foolishly left on the floor.

Friday, 2 February 2007

Today is my birthday! I am 4 years old. Not that the humans did anything
special. They don't even know my real birthday, because I spent my first few weeks
at the "Pet Store". Then I was purchased (the indignity!) by the one
human, and then rudely locked in a closet to be a suprise for the other!

Maybe it's best to forget my humble origins and instead focus on my great plans.

Friday, 26 January 2007

It is a frigid 55°Fahrenheit in the room! Unacceptable! No one listens
to my complaints. They claim it is 2°Fahrenheit out, but I think
it's just an excuse for not letting me go out to eat all of the white
powdery substance that fell from the sky last night.

At least the Human's Scientific American magazine came. Little does he know
the guinea pig rebellion sends secret encoded messages on the reader-reply cards.
After reading them, I must eat them to destroy the evidence.

Wednesday, 3 January 2007

Back from incessant travel. We had to travel to Maryland, then to the Cape of Cods,
then back to Maryland before finally returning to my current headquarters in
the Carrot lakes. Inefficient and un-necessary!

On the positive side the humans did make some peace offerings, referred to as
"Christmas Gifts". I will humor them by eating them.

We visited the nice human female who now lives near the capital district.
She had a friend there who also offered the proper respect befitting
a guinea pig of my stature. The unfortunate incident involving the
dinner table will be best left unremembered.

It is good to be back, I have attempted to sabotage the human's cars so that
I am not dragged anywhere again in the near future.

Currently eating: Rollios. Apparently some sort of German idea of what
a guinea pig might want to eat.

Sunday, 3 December 2006

I have been deliberately drinking too much water lately, to try to trick the human
into thinking my water bottle is defective! The plan was that he'd buy me a better
water-bottle, maybe one with high-definition TV support. Alas, he bought
one of the exact same type I had previously. Foiled!

Currently eating: Dandelion. There are dandelions deep into December this year,
all part of the guinea-pig "global-warming" scheme.

Thursday, 3 August 2006

The humans have given up on their pathetic attempts to grow carrots in
a window-box. They decided the best way to thin out the carrot plants
was to put me in the box! As if I were a glorified weed-eater!
I humored them for a bit, but while their backs were turned I made
a run for my escape-pod that is hidden among the tomato plants elsewhere
on the deck. Unfortunately they caught me before I could get there.
Curses!

Currently eating: Blueberries. The humans picked them
the other day. I approve, for once.

Monday, 31 July 2006

After months in the carrot-lakes, an unexpected diversion south!
The humans never warn me... just suddenly my fortress is lifted into
the air, and I am put into the infernal machine that seeks out the
bumpiest roads and jostles me for hours. Worst of all, my water-bottle
is taken away because it "leaks" during these travails. Squeak!

At least we got to visit the nice human down near the capital. Everyone
was worried about how the feline half of their family would react to me,
but luckily I am intimidating enough that they didn't try anything.

Because of the cat worries, they made me spend the night in the
un-airconditioned bathroom while they relaxed in cool luxury!
For shame!

On the way back the humans stopped at Lewisberg, and due to the heat
left all of the windows down in the vehicle. Opportunity! I quickly
began preparing a system of ladders in order to effect an escape...
but horrors, they finished their meal suprisingly quickly. Foiled!

Currently eating: Cardboard. I am trying to fashion my
cardboard box into a series of long tubes, the better to evade capture.

Tuesday, 4 July 2006

Ahhh, the quaint human custom of Independence day.
Happily it was also independence from my subjugation!

The humans had arranged for a 2 week trip to the Western coast.
Finally I would be left alone to scheme unhindered! But at the
last minute they took me to a co-workers so that I could be baby-sat.
Imagine! And there were many smaller humans running around who caused
me much distraction, although I admit I was kept well fed.

Two weeks away from my main base caused some important plots to fall through.
This has been most aggravating.

Currently drinking: From my water bottle.
I am drinking huge amounts of water every day in attempt to trick
the human into thinking the bottle has a leak. Nefarious!

Tuesday, 3 January 2006

This planet has reached perihelion, meaning it is time for the humans
to drag me all across this part of the continent. First to Maryland,
then to the Cape of Cods, then back to the Carrot-lakes via central
Massachusetts.

The humans refuse to learn my language much to their detriment. If they
can't interpret the most basic "I need to use the bathroom" request,
they deserve what befalls them.

I did get to visit the very nice female human who treats me much nicer than
the one I share an apartment with.

Sadly, my attempt to shorten the length of this trip by sabotaging the
windshield of the transportation device failed.

Hopefully my travels have ended for a while, so I can get some actual work
done.

Currently eating: Fruit-mix.
At least I enjoy the so-called "Christmas Presents" the humans gave me.

Monday, 28 November 2005

The humans unexpectedly whisked me East to the Cape of Cods.
The occasion seems to be one of many feasts, the largest which involved
an unfortunate forest-fowl. Sadly few of the extra provisions from
the meals made it into my food-bowl.

In addition to the normal accumulation of humans, there were many
military-cadets also in attendance. So many humans in one normal
sized residence can intimidate even me, but I challenged one to
a potato-peel eating contest. As always, victory was mine!

Currently eating: Apple peels.
The peeling device the humans have is ingenious, but I prefer potatoes
to apples.

Saturday, 8 October 2005

The human fled down to Maryland to get married! I do not trust the female he
hangs out with, so I had plans to attend the service and cause disruptions.
But my plans were thwarted! I was left in Ithaca under the care of others!
Now I must forever hold my peace! Perhaps I will set my weather-machine
to "deluge". That will show them.

I will ingratiate myself to my current captors, maybe I can convince them to
do my bidding.

Currently eating: Cardboard box. If I have to mope, I will do it noisily!

Monday, 5 September 2005

The human once again loaded my cage into his noisy vehicle and dragged
me across the continent. Just when my plans in California were reaching
fruition!

At least I got to investigate new places, such as Minnesota, Michigan,
and North Dakota. I tried to make contacts with the prairie dogs in
ND but to no avail, they are in league with the bison.

In Montana I was left in the car in grizzly bear country! Most irresponsible.
Though I think I could defeat one in battle. You'll notice there are no
grizzly bears in South America. We guinea pigs kicked them all out years
ago.

Currently eating: Grass. It's nice to be somewhere that gets rain again.

Monday, 30 May 2005

Well here I am reporting from arid California. It is hot here! And I
am horribly far away from all of my contacts on the East Coast.

The human and his consort dragged me 4000 miles across the continent,
little heeding my calls to let me stay. They seemed to think I could not take
care of myself in the Carrot Lakes region. How hard could it be?

I almost convinced him to let me stay in Joppatowne. Even though that place
is a backwater, at least I could have outwitted his family and escaped back
north. But no, the annoying female convinced him to take me along.

I'm just finally recovering. They went and saw exciting stuff and left
me in the often warm car. And the fresh produce got less and less fresh
as the trip wore on!

Even more annoyingly, we never stopped in one place long enough for me
to make contacts. Here is a picture of me in a place called
"South Dakota". I would have liked to have had more time to plot with the
bison, who have quite a grudge against the humans.

Currently eating: Celery. Must keep hydrated in this dry, dry, country.

Sunday, 6 March 2005

Instead of returning North, we instead headed south! I was excited, as
I thought we might be heading to Washington DC where I could meet with
important Guinea Pig lobbyists who are trying to take over the government.
But tragedy! We stopped too short, at College Park. I hoped I could
sneakily contact my compatriots in the biology labs there, but those
plans were quashed when the annoying human's even more annoying brother
took me inside his dormitory! And while there I was put in a laundry
basket prison! The indignity! At least the various female humans present
were nice to me, and food was obtained at the "dining hall salad bar",
whatever that is.

Saturday, 5 March 2005

Was rudely taken on yet another trip! Traveled through Scranton, Allentown,
Reading and Lancaster, then tiny middle-of-nowhere roads to Fawn Grove
PA. All so the human could watch some foolish fantasy movie! I tell
you, any story that does not have Guinea Pigs in it is not worth telling.
And
Olga da Polga tells much better stories.

This doesn't even begin to cover my being exiled to the front room near
a cold window where a noisy Chesapeake Bay Retriever kept circling by.
Squeak.

Monday, 24 January 2005

I was all settled in at my Carrot Lakes control center, when suddenly
I was whisked away. I heard rumor of travel to the Pacific Coast...
that would have met my needs greatly. But instead the human dumped
me with his family in useless Maryland! I am greatly annoyed.

Monday, 3 January 2005

The human is traveling again. I wish he would stop! No sooner do I get
my lines of contact set up, and start subverting the local population, then
I was packed into the infernal traveling machine of his and zooming off
somewhere else. I was in two different locations in the place called
Maryland, then in a snowy realm called Massachusetts, then now I find
myself back at my home base. Annoying. And the things I was subjected
to at the various places! Embarassing! You can say I am easily
offended, but I bet you've never been
held hostage by a crazed northern
cowgirl!

Currently eating:Bill envelopes. The human is too quick
and prevented me from destroying any actual financial data.

Monday, 6 September 2004

I thought my traveling was over for a while, but no the human came
and dragged me out to Buffalo. If only I had warning I would have
tried to make contacts with the Canadian Cavies again!

To make it worse, there was an animal there even more annoying
than humans, who could imagine. I think they called it a "dog".
When it wasn't trying to lunge at me it spent its time barking at my
cage-fortress. Luckily the humans are too dumb to listen to the
canine suspicions about our world domination plans.

Saturday, 24 July 2004

The human was planning a trip to the Dominion of Canada. I was not
about to be left behind this time. So I plotted so that he would
be unable to find someone to watch me and be forced to take me along.
Success!

While he was gone all day at the conference, I had my own conference
of all the Dominion's top Guinea Pigs. We were making great progress
in our plans, when we ran out of carrots! The human did not bring enough!
Our meeting and plans fell through; guinea pigs refuse to think on an
empty stomach!

I certainly let the human know how I felt about this when he got home.
And the nerve of it all, he did not even find me carrots, nor grass, only
some wilted lettuce called a "salad". Hmmmph.

Currently eating: iBook power cord. Strange, doesn't
taste like an apple.

Monday, 5 July 2004

The human planned a trip to the Southwest, a perfect opportunity I thought!
Thousands of miles of new territory to exploit! But then at the last
minute he left me in the backwater of Joppatowne! A humid swamp,
trapped far from my regular communication lines. Annoyance extreme!
He shall pay.

Currently eating: Ethernet cable. I'm annoyed
that the human has not gone to the store so all he'll feed me is carrots,
grapes, and grass.

Saturday, 5 June 2004

The trip south was for naught, the Cicadas were already in full retreat!
They promised an alliance the next time they emerged, but the foolish
creatures refused to understand even my grandchildren would be old
by then! Too late!

Sunday, 23 May 2004

The human is planning a trip to the south for "Memorial Day". I have
plans to meet up with ambassadors of the so-called 17-year Cicada
Emergence. Perhaps a cicada/guinea-pig alliance could finally overthrow
the humans for good!

Sunday, 1 February 2004

I have discovered when the human goes into the room he calls the "kitchen"
he often brings back food. Thus I will now squeak any time he even merely
walks by said room. Food will be mine!

It has been most extrordinarily cold up here. My room must fall down to 60
degrees at night! I am most unhappy with this state of affairs. But
whenever I let this known to the human he simply points out the window
where this powdery white substance is falling. I have no clue what he's
trying to communicate and suspect he's a bit soft in the head.

Monday, 5 January 2004

Finished an 8 state tour [MD, DE, NJ, PA, NY, CT, RI, MA]. Some day this land
will all belong to the guinea pigs! The human had some sort of flu, I was
thinking of culling him to strengthen the herd, but he seems to have gotten
better.

Thursday, 25 December 2003

Traveled from the land if icy snow down to Maryland in search of grass to eat.
Apparently this mission of mine coincided with the quaint human custom
of "Christmas". Below is a picture of me commanding the human to do my
bidding!

Tuesday, 25 November 2003

Monday, 17 November 2003

My tunnel through my "cage" has succeded! But then the human added
an exterior cage. I tunneled through that one as well! But then he
put some sort of inpenetrable material between the two cages that
I can't get my teeth around. Curses. What advanced technology can
create such a thing? I think he referred to it as "cardboard".

Tuesday, September 17, 2003

The human was not feeding me carrots even when I clearly said
"Squeak-squirk-squeak!" To show him not to trifle with me
I strategically chewed through
the telephone cable immediately before he had to submit an important
project on-line. Sabotage victorious! Unfortunately he is skilled
in the ways of wire-strippers and tape and quickly had it fixed.
But it was a moral victory.

Currently eating: Carpet. It grows on the ground, it
has to belong to the grass family, right?

Wednesday, September 03, 2003

My elaborate shoebox fortress is crumbling. The walls are caving in
due to the great water-bottle leak of last week. So it is now more
of a lean-to. The sunroof I chewed into the ceiling is now a side window.
Annoying, but conveniently I can monitor when the annoying human
goes to the refrigerator, and put up a fuss if he neglects to feed me.

Currently eating: Carrots. I really want grass, but will
he go pick me any? No. SQUEAK.

Tuesday, September 02, 2003

Am devising clever escape routes involving the dining room chairs.
No predator will ever get me! Am still mourning the loss of all the
secret paths I built in the closet in the Chesapeake Bay district. I had
left important documents there, and had been caught unawares by by transfer.

Attempted to "digest" various important documents lying about on the floor,
but was thwarted.

Monday, September 01, 2003

Was reading the paper lining my cage today. Often it is lined with useless
garbage like The Aegis but for once I have some decent recent
national news. I had no idea Mars was so close! Must contact Buzz
at the Inner Planetary Colonization council. This would be a prime
time to launch the planned guinea pig invasion.

Sunday, August 24, 2003

Moved to the northern provinces. Once the guinea pig takeover
is complete I have been promised domain over the "finger lakes"
which will hereafter be known as the "carrot lakes".
Foolish humans, they look nothing like fingers, but like a giant
carrot bunch!