Hay! Farming Simulator 2011 Demo

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After the excitement of last night’s Antiques Roadshow demo, I’ve got the adrenaline buzz. I need another fix. Something, anything! Oooh, Farming Simulator 2011. Can it be only a year since Farming Simulator 2009 wowed us all? (FS 2010 is mysteriously absent.) A nation was taken with farm machinery fever, as fields were ploughed, straw was baled, and memberships to UKIP were renewed. So it’s time to dust off your work boots, grab your tractor keys, and madly insist on endangering children with Daylight Saving Time, via the demo of this latest version.

Farmers don’t have the internet, right? Good, phew. This demo contains two missions from the full game, one involving harvesting corn, the other baling hay. Which is a bit of a shame, since one of the missions in last year’s demo had hay baling, and it’s hard not to compare it to the halcyon memories.

Both involve driving your tractor laboriously up and down a field, at a very, very slow pace, but one of them at least includes getting to poo out a hay bale every few seconds.

I have a new-found respect for farmers (that I’m somehow failing to apply here) after attempting to complete either mission. After four lengths of the cornfield I decided to see if tractors can swim. Tractors cannot swim.

Then I thought I’d try to drive over a fence onto the road, where my tractor, in season and out of control, attempted to mount one of the passing cars.

The result was a pile-up. A lot of drivers involved were apparently sealed into their cars with concrete.

Instead I switched to bale making, which kept me entertained for three poos, but then there simply being stuff on the horizon led to my charging off into the distance.

I tried a bit of off-roading, some hill climbing, and some car-tipping. With that done I was absolutely exhausted, so popped to the local for a half. And got stuck on a table.

If there is an activity that is more boring that simulated farming, I should very much like to be alerted of it. In my later years I will partake in the said activity, thusly making my life last much longer, at least in my own perception.

As a goat farmer, I usually call it shit shoveling. What this game doesn’t simulate is the nostril-burning smell that permeates every article of clothing that you happen to have on after sweating your ass off and shoveling shit in a barn for two hours in humid 100 degree weather.

They should make a game that simulates the bruises and headaches that come with taking care of goats, who will do everything they can to destroy the infrastructure you build around them for the sake of their well-being. Try to feed em? They’ll headbutt you out of the way. Fence ’em in? They’ll tear that shit down. Give ’em a water bucket? They’ll shit in it and then knock it over. Give ’em a tub to drink from? They’ll shit in that too, and then lie down in it when it’s empty and cover the bottom with the dirt and shit that’s caked onto their hooves. Milk ’em? They’ll kick that bucket over too, and if you use a milking machine they’ll try to kick that off (possibly injuring themselves in the process). Give ’em hay? They’ll drop half a bale a day on the ground, then shit, piss, and trample on it until it forms a half-foot-deep layer of rotting detritus. And if all that combined with fighting until their heads bleed gets ’em sick they’ll get diarrhea and possibly shit on the milking stand/you.

So a word of advice: If you’re going to get dairy goats, go with Saanens over Nubians. Saanens are bigger, but Nubians tend to be angrier. Also, if you see a buck, stay away. They piss in their own beards when they’re in heat. No joke.

(On the upside, baby Nubians are the cutest little animals on the planet, and goat cheese is DELICIOUS.)

You know what, I appreciate the detailed and informative response. If I ever consider goat farming you can bet I’ll be sticking with Saanens. Although, goats don’t sound like very fulfilling animals to farm.

Plus, having spent most of my childhood out in the countryside, the smell of a shit covered barn is one I’m familiar with. Never had to shovel any, though.

(And yes, even though that’s nothing to be proud of per se, what with competition in this country being quasi non-existent: That game sells like crazy. The number of people interested in drowning tractors and pooing out hay bales is surprisingly high.)

Technically, nope .
The publisher, Ascaron (the poor guys who have to take all the malice from people like John Walker), is German. The developer, though, is Giants Software – based in Zürich, Switzerland. (But it’s such a common misbelieve that I tend to think Giants Software prefer to keep it a secret, actually…)

My grandfather was a farmer, but he had vines and some cows.
During the last vine gathering (how do you call it in english? Had to resort to WordReference.com) I learned how to drive tractors. It’s very cool.

Gathering ripe crops is called “harvesting” in general. If I was doing it by hand I would call gathering vine fruit “picking grapes” but if I was using a machine it would be “harvesting grapes” or “harvesting vines”.

I think the stereotype John should have gone for was the Countryside Alliance, although as far as I can tell they’re basically just a pro-hunting* group with nothing else constructive to say about the countryside.

(* note for ‘mericans, in this context that means hunting foxes with dogs)

It’s not mission based, the missions are just part of the tutorial. And you can hire slaves or chinese children to do all the driving, although that wouldn’t be much fun either, since the farm “managment” aspect is pretty much non-existent.

And don’t make me feel like retard because I know such things. It’s my job.

Didn’t you hear? There was a simulated natural disaster which wiped crops out that year. They released Primary Producer Disaster Relief Simulator 2010. It comprised filling in multiple electronic forms with almost identical information, submitting them to a Government department, waiting 3 months (game time) to be advised they have been rejected because you didn’t type “Road” in full and they don’t have “xxx Rd” in their database. “Game Over. Do you wish to restart the level?”

The simulation would sell better if you could take a bath after a long day out in the fields.

What would be even better would be Soviet Tractor Simulator. Working all day in the collective farm. Getting an Order of Lenin and featured in your very own Socialist Realist poster if you meet your goals. Tractoring in Siberia if you fail.

If you want your game to have any replay value you should always allow players to go off the beaten path. Always.

Far Cry 2, Dirt2 and this game would have been 2 million percent better if they would just let you do “stuff” when you got bored with the main game. (and maybe included a couple dozen over the top cheats (even if they’re buggy) )

I totally agree that this is a lovely simulation game for farmers to gain some level of knowledge about farming. I would still say that trying the latest simulator from Mercedes-Benz is a wonderful way to understand how to drive your precious vehicle in difficult situations. It provides the test driver with different road conditions to practice on. I was really pleased to read about it on the CCM-News website. If you are interested to know more about it then view their video on link to clients.ccm-news.com