Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The PIC’s Vacation Log #1 - Alone, Afraid and Wandering the USA.

Ok, so I’m exaggerating. But it’s catchy, yeah?

So… so, so, so, sososo, so so, so… ooops, sorry. Just thinking aloud with the abandon of a woman on vacation. Vacation away from That Bastard. But before I go on and on about how this Partner-In-Crime misses her man I’m gonna bust into his blog and mess with it a bit. You see while out and about with some family members of mine, traipsing about the US, I had some major culinary adventures. Some good and some really, really bad. So I wish to express to you my stories in the vain hope that some of you will not have the misfortune of making our mistakes.

The first adventure: Linda’s I-10 Diner

So. One of my family members is a picky eater. But of course she’s 92 years old, so she has every right to be. She decides all she wants for dinner is apple pie a-la mode. We are in Texas, the most American State in America, Right? How hard can it be to find that? So it begins.

We started our apple-flavored quest in Clint. Small town, farm town, really small. Looking for the classic American diner, the ones that used to be all around the U.S. (especially off of route 66).

Nada.

Zip.

Zulu.

Only places still open HERE were menudo and taco shops. Oh, there might have been a pizza place but nothing that really stood out in my mind and certainly lacking of the pie a la mode we so desperately sought. So we continue down the old highway and end up in Fabens, another sleepy little town. Again, there’s nothing! So we decide to head back up to the I-10 and at the last minute I catch sight of a sign that said "Diner." A little off roading later, we're in the parking lot. We get inside and gratefully take our seats near the door. THEN we find out that even they do not have apple pie at this so-called dining establishment! They have cake and pudding but try as we might, no apple pie to be found. Yet another dead end! As tired as we were we decided to just eat there and find the pie afterwards so I decided to peruse the menu. So read the menu and GASP, another shocker: American and Mexican food. But I decide to play it safe with a BLT (certainly they can't screw THAT up!), and MY PIC orders a chicken salad. I should probably note that after ordering we noticed that everyone one else in the restaurant was eating from the soup and salad bar. We would find out why quite soon...

At this point the cook, who we could clearly see from where we sat, starts to wander around the kitchen, apparently looking for something. He starts to argue with the waitress in Spanish, pointing at our ticket and searching. She then heads into the kitchen and starts to help him search. Ten minutes later another waitress comes into the restaurant and after putting her stuff down she helps them find what turns out to be the bacon for my BLT.

I'll say that again: they couldn't find the bacon for my bacon-lettuce-tomato sandwich and it took them MORE than ten minutes to do so.

ANOTHER ten minutes later we are served. Now my BLT is plain, regular, ordinary, but at least edible. However my PIC’s salad is an absolute laughingstock! Remember how I mentioned that salad bar? They seemed to have forgotten that they had it. He was served a plate of shredded lettuce (the kind they put on tacos), sliced tomatoes (the kind they put on hamburgers), and sliced dill pickles (again the kind they put on hamburgers). The grilled chicken was just plain! They didn’t ask what kind of dressing he wanted at any time and when he finally (after trying for 5 minutes to eat this monstrosity without complaining, a feat to try any saint) asked for some ranch she went searching in the back for some time before finally grabbing a bowl and getting him some from the salad bar.

We didn’t stay for dessert.

Later that evening we returned to the hotel with two McDonalds apple pies and an ice cream cone. OH LOOK THAT'S AMERICAN RIGHT oh wait...

My Rageometer - 5/10 mostly was just afraid I might get food poisoning.

PIC’s Rageometer - unsure, but the vein in his forehead nearly burst. Have you ever seen a grown man's vein come close to bursting? I have with That Bastard, and on my very first outing now I can honestly say I've seen my Partner-In-Crime do it too! I'm just going to say something close to 8/10...yeah, that looks good, considering he refused to talk about the experiance.

For more reviews about Linda's I-10 Diner, try some of these links:

Oh...wait!? I can't even FIND a review for this place!!! Well, I guess this'll be the first....

(That Bastard's very rare note: I myself can't freakin' find one either! What the hell, is this place just THAT small of a town or somethin'? Anyway, glad >I< wasn't there, HAH!!!!)

P.S. - Huh...first I hang out with That Bastard, who's one of the angriest and loudest men I've ever known, certainly fallen in love with! But now I'm on this vacation with my Partner-In-Crime and...he's also a loud and pro-American guy(he has pretty good emotional control tho). Huh...I'm seeing a pattern here...

@...shit, all y'all - 'SUP new peoples! I will do my best to ensure quality posts from either myself or my Partner-in-Crime. If my band succeeds in landing a local tour (Vancouver, Canada to Portland, Oregon) Imma gonna roast a whole shitton of places~!

I'm just sayin'.

In the meantime I'll try and get to a restaurant every now and then only 'cuz as of late I've been doin' more home cookin'. While that's a good thing overall, it's bad for the blog, y'know?

Before visiting my girlfriend's town I had lived in a different part of the US. At that point, I was convinced that absolutely all American food was disgusting. I was continuously eating Mexican food (which is okay, but I'm very not used to it) or Chinese (which I like, but eating it every day is tiring). Luckily, I could get out of the place I was staying at and experience a wider American cuisine at my girlfriend's town. So, I understand your rage, I had to experience similar diners many many times...

@Neon - Yeah, my PIC is surprisingly a rather angry chica! I'd like to claim that some of me rubbed off on her (BWA BWA BWA), but honestly this is all her~!

@Sinclair - We hope to continue being entertaining, m'man!

@Banacek - Heeey, don't knock homeless shelter food! Them soup kitchens get broccoli and cheddar soup, and you CAN'T screw that one up!

@Hom - HAH, I couldn't even begin to think how many restaurants there are in Texas, both good and bad. Maybe someday I'll rip through there myself and just do a wave of reviews and such...we'll see.

@Beer - HA HA! Thanks bro, my PIC appreciates that, serious!

@Eddie - Hey bro! Yeah, my darlin' came through with quite a few places such as this that she wrote down and made certain to take notes just so she can write 'em up and slam 'em down. That's how my baby does it, yo!

@Genetics - BUT...BUT YOU'RE INTELLIGENT, HOW CAN YOU LIKE THEEEEM? No, nothin' wrong with McDonalds except for salty processed not-beef. But sometimes you NEED that kinda flavor, y'knowwhatImean?

@Charles - Much like any country there's Good American cuisine and Bad American cuisine. The trick is to find the places and people (especially people) that actually makes and serves great food. If that's all you've been exposed to then naturally you're going to think all food of that kind are gonna suck...

The Generalist - Taboo 1: Where's The Beef?

Lasts longer than a cup of coffee, costs the same~!

Yo, wassup!

Welcome to my blog, The Bellingham Jerk. As a six-year Bellinghamster of some ill repute, I've often wondered how I can best present all that is awesome about Bellingham, the experiences and friendships I've made out here.

Unlike other blogs and newslets, I'm gonna focus on just a wide range of stuff, mostly based on what pisses me off the most.

Some of you don't care about this quiet, shady, delectable slice of heaven up here in the Northwest, this city of subdued excitement and tranquil awesomeness, this lustrously boisterous battlegrounds of artists, buskers, established musicians and more.

On the other hand, some of you were lookin' for somethin' to do on a Friday night in a small town with big time appetites.

Well, here you are. Take off yer shoes, lemme rub yer feet.

Sit back and relax as I type in all caps lock, simulating the effect of yelling directly into your eardrums.