A huge thanks to all our patrons; we couldn't have made this class available without each and every one of you.

Negotiating is a critical skill for building BDSM scenes, dynamics and relationships that work. But negotiating doesn't necessarily come naturally -- especially for those of us who are just entering the kink scene.

Join us for a Kink 101 session on how to negotiate for exactly what you want in BDSM scene and relationships. We'll talk about:

Negotiation styles

Pre-scene negotiations

How to negotiate without killing the mood

Checking in during and after the scene

Negotiating and check-ins for ongoing BDSM dynamics

Drawing on tools from non-violent communication, neuro-linguistic programming, and even a bit of marketing and PR, we'll learn how to negotiate as partners toward a BDSM style that is hotter, more fun, and more powerful for all partners in a dynamic.

This series welcomes all genders, orientations, and dynamic styles. This workshop is designed for newcomers to BDSM, but is open to anyone who wants new tools to improve their BDSM communications.

Our presenter, Miriam Green, has been in the public kink scene for over one dozen years in the Austin, Houston and San Francisco scenes. They teach a series of KINK 101 classes on the SF kink community, BDSM negotiations and dating while kinky. They also are the owner of Wicked Grounds, San Francisco's first and only kink cafe & boutique.

For this week's Ask Wicked Mir column, I thought it might be fun to revisit some of my early kink writing to see how much of it holds up. Other than the fact that I was a little snarkier then, and my orienation has shifted a bit, I think many of my old blog posts hold true! This visit to the Wayback Machine was originally published March 13th, 2007 in my Arachne's Web blog (which hasn't always aged quite so well . . . )

I'm currently awaiting new questions for the column. If you have one, please send it to AskWickedMir@gmail.com!

So without further ado, and with minimal editing, we present this flashback from 2007:

Things Not to Do

When it comes to the scene, I'm a relative newbie. I am still learning the ins and outs of etiquette, and am often very grateful to run in low-protocol circles. But there are a few things I've learned which apply to both the magickal and kink communities, from which I can begin to assemble a short list of Miriam's Things Not to Do at Events. And since I apparently woke up on the snarky side of the bed this morning, I will happily share.

#1. Do not touch my tools without asking. More specifically, ask first and actually gain permission before touching. Usually if polite people ask about my different kinds of rope, I will hand some over for them to touch. But do not walk over, pick up a hank of rope, and then ask if you can touch it -- particularly if you are a complete stranger at your first Rope SIG. I may forgive you, and even be nice to you later, but you have just gained yourself a nice little lecture. Really, do you want me on my soapbox? The next time someone does this, I'm going to tell them I last used that rope for ass play.

#2. Do not distract the scene. It may look like the scene is very low protocol; knowing my darling Misfit Bottoms (tm), it probably is. It may also look like I have several folks already involved in some way. Again, I'm betting you're right. But if this is a scene (i.e., not an instructional SIG where I've asked for feedback), do not interrupt. Things are not always as casual as they appear to be. That guy you see consulting me on how to apply and take off the wax? I negotiated with him to teach me. The other guy helping out? We came here together, and he is the hotness. Our victim? Well, you know she's in. You on the other hand are a complete stranger telling me how to get the wax off my girl, and how my hot new knife that I came here to play with is tedious and inefficient. I am quite certain you did not mean to do that.

#3. Ask before giving feedback. This should be rule number one of the magickal and kink communities. In fact, it sort of is in the magickal community. I am particularly fond of Donald Engstrom's rules for feedback, which are (in paraphrase):

Feedback should be:

Given with permission

Timely

Something that can actually be changed

Specific

Only that which will further the work

There are several dozen right ways to hank rope, many of which I've gratefully learned from feedback at SIGs. The time to tell me yours is not immediately after a scene, as I have just gotten my girl out of suspension, when you haven't even introduced yourself.

Oh, and then there's the fun corollary:

#4. Don't assume you know everyone's roles, or that they are static. I once had the fantastic experience of having a gentleman rigger come up to me while I was in a partial suspension. "When I met you at Austin Rope Symposium, I could have sworn you were a top!" he said. "I am," I said, and flipped around in the ropes. My darling submissive? She becomes an evil top on a dime once I get her out of the ropes. Anyone who's been around for a while will quickly figure this out, especially any girl she wants to torture. Underestimate her at your peril. (And don't think that collar keeps you safe; I'm a rather indulgent Daddy.)

The latest funny came when I was teaching my boyfriend to bundle the ropes after a scene last week; he asked if he could help and I was trying to teach him how I do it. He tried a couple of times, didn't quite get it, and I took over. (No lack of credit to him; it was 4 in the morning, and we'd been playing all night.) J. Random Person from the sidelines (see #3 above) said: "You should order him to do it again." Ummm. "He's not my submissive, and I don't give him orders. He's my top." I wish I hadn't been so busy with the rope; I'd have loved to see the look on that guy's face.

And finally, and very importantly:​#5. Don't try any of these assy tricks just so Miriam will give you the hairy eyeball. I know the hairy eyeball is fun and all that, but if you want me to be mean to you, just ask. Violating any of the above rules is one of the easiest ways to ensure you don't get play. Seriously.

Resolved to learn more about BDSM/ leather/ fetish in the coming year? Join us for KINK 101 Day at Wicked Grounds. Get 10% off all books and gear, and join us for three excellent classes for newcomers.

Saturday, 1/2 1pm: Are you fairly new to the local BDSM scene, or kink in general? Join us for KINK 101 Welcome to Wicked Grounds! An SF BDSM Orientation. Our friendly local "kink concierge" will focus this class on local BDSM resources, tailored to the needs of the day's group. You'll find out all about the local BDSM shops, classes, groups, dungeons and other play spaces that make San Francisco such a treasure. You'll also learn the basics of playing well with others in the local kink community, so you get off to a great start. (Please arrive early to get food/ drink before the class starts. While a $10-$20 donation is recommended for this class, no one will be turned away for lack of funds!)

Saturday, 1/2 3:30pm: Whether you're new to kink, or just want to improve your negotiation skills, you are encouraged to join us for a KINK 101 class on BDSM Negotiation Basics. Drawing on tools from non-violent communication, neuro-linguistic programming, and even a bit of marketing and PR, we'll learn how to negotiate as partners toward a BDSM style that is hotter, more fun, and more powerful for all partners in a dynamic. This series welcomes all genders, orientations, and dynamic styles. This workshop is designed for newcomers to BDSM, but is open to anyone who wants new tools to improve their BDSM communications. (Please arrive early to get food/ drink before the class starts. While a $10-$20 donation is recommended for this class, no one will be turned away for lack of funds!)

Saturday, 1/2 7pm: We will close our our KINK 101 day with a special orientation to the local dungeon scene from Society of Janus -- theNewcomer Dungeon Orientation Social. Curious about going to a public play party, but feeling a little unsure about what to expect? Society of Janus’s Dungeon Etiquette & Orientation Social is here to help. We will spend an hour in the welcoming and comfy confines of Wicked Grounds, talking about some basic ideas of what to expect at a public play party. What should you wear? How to you talk to people? What are the rules, written and unwritten? How can you best set yourself up to have a good time? We'll provide you with solid expectations about what a play party is and isn’t, along with a good sense of how to act so that you are welcomed. After the hour spent talking, we’ll walk together over to SF Citadel, a public play space here in San Francisco. We’ll take you on a tour of the space and talk about where you can watch the action, how you can take part in it, and how you can socialize. Those who want to stay for the party that night will get $5 off admission, and we’ll do a bit of show and tell with some toys and continue answering any questions you might have.

It's hard to believe that this week is already the closing of the year!

We have some great new events happening this week, including some brand new munches!​We also have some special hours for New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, so please check those out below.​

Sunday, 12/27: Open 11am - 10pm.

Sunday, 12/27 7pm: If you are interested in the intersection of kink and spirituality, you are encouraged to join us for the Kinky Spirituality Munchstarting at 7pm. This week's munch will focus on intentions for the new year, and is open to people of any spiritual path or practice who are integrating kink and their spiritual path.

Monday, 12/28: Open 8am - 10pm. If you're headed back to the work world, we'll have the coffee to make that happen.

Monday, 12/28 6-9pm: All writers are encouraged to fill up the space and bring your writing projects! This is currently an informal, self-organizing gathering, but look for a new structure in the coming year!

Tuesday, 12/29: Open 8am - 10pm. Stressed out from the holidays? Our massage therapist will be offering chair massage from 8-10pm.

Wednesday, 12/30: Open 8am - 11pm. Be sure to hold onto your receipts for $10 or more today if you'd like discounted admission to Bondage-a-Go-Go tonight.

Wednesday, 12/30 8pm: Always wanted to go to Bondage-a-Go-Go but haven't really stepped out to do it? Resolve to make this your month! The pre-BaGG Munch will be meeting starting at 8pm to make sure that you can meet people in the (relatively) quiet environment of Wicked Grounds and you can head over with friends.

Thursday, 12/31: HOLIDAY HOURS Open 8am - 9pm. Note that we will be closing early tonight so everyone can enjoy evening revelries. If you want to caffeinate before your evening play parties, come in early!

Friday, 1/1: HOLIDAY HOURS Open 11a - 10pm. Happy New Year!

Saturday, 1/2: Open 11am - 10pm. Resolved to learn more about BDSM/ leather/ fetish in the coming year? It's a KINK 101 Day at Wicked Grounds. Get 10% off all books and gear, and join us for three excellent classes for newcomers.

Saturday, 1/2 1pm: Are you fairly new to the local BDSM scene, or kink in general? Join us for KINK 101 Welcome to Wicked Grounds! An SF BDSM Orientation. Our friendly local "kink concierge" will focus this class on local BDSM resources, tailored to the needs of the day's group. You'll find out all about the local BDSM shops, classes, groups, dungeons and other play spaces that make San Francisco such a treasure. You'll also learn the basics of playing well with others in the local kink community, so you get off to a great start. (Please arrive early to get food/ drink before the class starts. While a $10-$20 donation is recommended for this class, no one will be turned away for lack of funds!)

Saturday, 1/2 3:30pm: Whether you're new to kink, or just want to improve your negotiation skills, you are encouraged to join us for a KINK 101 class on BDSM Negotiation Basics. Drawing on tools from non-violent communication, neuro-linguistic programming, and even a bit of marketing and PR, we'll learn how to negotiate as partners toward a BDSM style that is hotter, more fun, and more powerful for all partners in a dynamic. This series welcomes all genders, orientations, and dynamic styles. This workshop is designed for newcomers to BDSM, but is open to anyone who wants new tools to improve their BDSM communications. (Please arrive early to get food/ drink before the class starts. While a $10-$20 donation is recommended for this class, no one will be turned away for lack of funds!)

Saturday, 1/2 7pm: We will close our our KINK 101 day with a special orientation to the local dungeon scene from Society of Janus -- theNewcomer Dungeon Orientation Social. Curious about going to a public play party, but feeling a little unsure about what to expect? Society of Janus’s Dungeon Etiquette & Orientation Social is here to help. We will spend an hour in the welcoming and comfy confines of Wicked Grounds, talking about some basic ideas of what to expect at a public play party. What should you wear? How to you talk to people? What are the rules, written and unwritten? How can you best set yourself up to have a good time? We'll provide you with solid expectations about what a play party is and isn’t, along with a good sense of how to act so that you are welcomed. After the hour spent talking, we’ll walk together over to SF Citadel, a public play space here in San Francisco. We’ll take you on a tour of the space and talk about where you can watch the action, how you can take part in it, and how you can socialize. Those who want to stay for the party that night will get $5 off admission, and we’ll do a bit of show and tell with some toys and continue answering any questions you might have.

This year's Dark Odyssey: Surrender has ended, but the spirit of kink lives on at San Francisco's Kink Cafe & Boutique.

We'll be open at 8am - late night every weekday and 11am - late night every weekend with a full food and drink menu and world famous milkshakes, as well as San Francisco's largest selection of kink books, bondage rope and locally-crafted artisan toys.

Tuesday, Nov. 17 7:30pm: SF Bootblack Munch. This meet up is for everyone from experienced working bootblacks to folks who just want to learn more. Bring your kits and and swap tips and tricks with your fellow bootblacks in a social environment.

Wednesday, Nov. 18: November Crossdressing Club/ SF Sissy Night. Crossdressers, transfolk (full time, part time, any time at all), sissies, cosplayers, cis-men that wear panties, women and gender bending folks of all kinds welcome. The focus is on the feminine and ultra-feminine so we use the word "sissy" to denote ruffles and extravagance, not humiliation. Dominants and supporters who enjoy sissy and cd/tv energy also invited.

Wednesday, Nov. 18: Informal pre-Bondage-a-Go-Go Meetup all evening. Hold onto your receipt from Wicked Grounds for $10 or more and get discounted admission to BaGG at the Cat Club.

Thursday, Nov. 19 7pm: Sex Magick Coffee Social discusses the Tripartite Soul (or Triple Soul) from a kabbalistic and cross-cultural perspective: what the souls are, how to align them, and implications for our magickal work. This group is open to all levels of experience and all magickal paths.

Friday, Nov. 20: Headed to Transmission at the SF Citadel? Come by to get fueled up and hang out with other trans and genderqueer folks beforehand!

Saturday, Nov. 21: 3-5:30pm: Open Mic with Lady Zeitgeist.

Sunday, Nov. 22: KINK 101 Education Day at Wicked Grounds!

Sunday, Nov. 22 11:15am: KINK 101: Welcome to Wicked Grounds!. Brand new to kink, or to the San Francisco kink scene? Want to learn more about local BDSM play and education? Or perhaps you just want to know what the heck happens at a kink cafe. Join us for this quick orientation to the local kink scene and San Francisco’s very own kink café. This session is perfect for folks who are making their first brave steps into the San Francisco kink scene.

Sunday, Nov. 22 1:30pm: KINK 101: BDSM Negotiation Basics. Join us for a Kink 101 session on how to negotiate for exactly what you want in BDSM scene and relationships. Drawing on tools from non-violent communication, neuro-linguistic programming, and even a bit of marketing and PR, we'll learn how to negotiate as partners toward a BDSM style that is hotter, more fun, and more powerful for all partners in a dynamic.

Sunday, Nov. 22 4-6pm: Cuddle Munch. The Cuddle Munch is a safe space to explore connection and physical touch through gentle, non-sexual, intimacy. We will do this through a series of group exercises that may include holding eye contact, holding hands, allowing others into our personal bubble, and more. All exercises are at your choice and boundaries will be strictly respected. So no matter if you are already comfortable with giving and receiving touch or you are a bit nervous, we will do our best to make you feel safe and included.

Coming up on Sunday, Nov. 22 we will be offering a Kink 101 day at Wicked Grounds, with all the information and resources newcomers need to get their BDSM education off to a great start.We'll kick off at 11:15 with Welcome to Wicked Grounds!, our very popular orientation to the local kink scene and San Francisco’s very own kink café. This session is perfect for folks who are making their first brave steps into the San Francisco kink scene.At 1:30, we will offer our class Kink 101: BDSM Negotiation Basics. Drawing on tools from non-violent communication, neuro-linguistic programming, and even a bit of marketing and PR, we'll learn how to negotiate as partners toward a BDSM style that is hotter, more fun, and more powerful for all partners in a dynamic. This workshop is designed for newcomers to BDSM, but is open to anyone who wants new tools to improve their BDSM communications.Want to get in some negotiation practice? Stick around for the Cuddle Munch at 4pm. The Cuddle Munch is a safe space to explore connection and physical touch through gentle, non-sexual, intimacy.All three events welcome all genders, orientations, and dynamic styles.

On Saturday, Nov. 7 at 6pm we will be hosting the SF Citadel Newbie Munch. The evening starts with a two-hour Q&A session at Wicked Grounds, so you can ask all of your questions about kink, BDSM and the local scene in a friendly environment. Then, you'll have the opportunity to stroll over to the SF Citadel for a tour of one of San Francisco's premier dungeon spaces. Ready to play? Attendance gains you discounted admission to Celebrate! the open play party at SF Citadel

On Monday, Nov. 9, we will host the Society of Janus Newcomer's Coffee Social. The Society of Janus is a not-for-profit, all volunteer, San Francisco-based education and support organization devoted to the art of hot, safe, consensual and non-exploitative BDSM. Janus provides an opportunity to meet others with similar interests in a safe, relaxed atmosphere. Janus is an organization open to persons of all genders, sexual orientations, roles, and experience levels. Janus also provides a chance to get involved with the greater SF Bay Area BDSM community.

​These two events both provide great information to people beginning their kink and BDSM journeys, and come at the scene from somewhat different angles. If you have the time, we recommend attending both.

At Wicked Grounds, we realize that it can be expensive to build up your toybag and your BDSM library at the beginning of your kink journey, so we offer a 10% discount on all books and toys to those who attend these munches.

Interested in bondage with natural fiber rope, but not sure where to start?

Some people learn best with books, others in person, and still others with video. If you're one of the latter, we recommend learning directly from the makers of "the finest bondage rope in the world," DeGiotto Rope.

DeGiotto Rope are our rope partners of choice here at Wicked Grounds, and our resident bondage nerds couldn't be happier with their rope. Crafted from clothing-grade thread, and dyed through to the bone with super-saturated color, their rope is not only gorgeous but a treat to work with (or wear!).

Not only do they make great rope, but they're excellent instructors. We had the pleasure of hosting classes by Elise and Giotto during Folsom weekend and truly enjoyed their perspectives and teaching style.