Last week was probably the worst in the history of mankind. I didn't get a whit
of work done, so paralyzing was the uncertainty over the U.S. election result. I
had trouble eating solid foods. And I know I wasn't alone.

The Chinese Politburo hasn't been so numbly confused, according to top Asia Buzz
sources, since U.S. Trade Representative Charlene Barshefsky's last visit.
Insiders say the Kremlin was "paralytic," which is almost the same as paralyzed,
but with canapes and party records -- and I don't mean big beet harvests. U.S.
President Bill Clinton got to Vietnam, finally, to the utter confusion of his
hosts in Hanoi. (The State Department had told them the trip might be
indefinitely delayed because Clinton had cadged yet another deferment.) And
Peru's Alberto Fujimori announced he would quit the presidency of his country
out of exasperation and depression. A terrible week.

Intelligence
The story behind today's news from the editors of Asiaweek

It was as if the entire world was on the same bad trip, glued to CNN with a
puzzled scowl or buttonholing friends to complain, "The thing I don't understand
is..." There must have been some apathetic soul who didn't give a hanging chad
about the result, but I didn't meet him. For Americans abroad, it was even more
painful because foreigners kept saying "The thing I don't understand is..." And
we had to patiently explain that U.S. presidents were customarily chosen by Palm
Beach voters living in Israel. Hey, if the system ain't broke, why fix it? Say
what?

The once-and-future candidates couldn't afford to look gobsmacked, and George W.
Bush announced that he had curled up with the new biography of Joe DiMaggio,
which sounded like an odd thing to do, especially since the Cliff Notes haven't
been written. But Bush hasn't had a stiff one since the Jimmy Carter days, so
maybe this was a means of relaxation. Personally, I would have fallen off the
wagon with a huge crash last week and whooped it up on a mechanical bull
nicknamed Tipper -- and if that didn't win Florida, forget about it. But reading
a book had a presidential ring, and for the younger Bush, also provided vigorous
lip exercise.

Al Gore was allegedly hard at work in Washington, but that was a front. The Vice
President had plenty of reading to do under the bedcovers with a flashlight:
specifically, 20 years of Internal Revenue Service statements from Florida
Secretary of State Katherine Harris. He summoned Janet Reno to explore the
possibility of chucking the state of Tennessee out of the union. ("Is it do-
able?" asked Gore. "Long over-due-able," cackled the Attorney General.) Late in
the week, as the hand-counted returns started coming in from Florida, Gore had
urgent discussions with Alec Baldwin in Hollywood on real estate prices in Ibiza
and Kathmandu. (Alberto Fujimori wanted in on those talks, I'd bet.) The only
positive news during the whole dismal week was that no one, anywhere, used the
phrase, "The system works."

On CNN, United Nations Secretary-General Kofi Annan pointed out that the
situation in the U.S. was under control. There were no riots on the streets, he
said. Annan needs to study America a bit more; I can't imagine a single American
wasting a good riot on Bush or Gore being denied the presidency. Although a coup
d'etat by New Yorker Rick Lazio would get my friends on the streets -- and if
Hillary's forces arose, it could start another revolution. But that's idle
fantasy.

Meanwhile Japan, America's best friend in the Pacific, stepped forward to make
its democracy look worse than ours. Japan's system, having been devised on the
back of a cocktail napkin in a Ginza bar by Douglas MacArthur in 1945, is
different. Prime Minister Yoshiro Mori faces a no-confidence vote in the Diet
today -- called by his own party. That's weird, but as to the specific
legalities, we'll have to wait for a ruling from the Florida Supreme Court.
According to the Japan Broadcasting Corp., the no-confidence vote will be
tallied within several months. Kind allies, those Japanese.

Another paralyzing week awaits us. The only people having fun will be late-night
comedians. And for the rest of us it will go something like this: "The thing I
don't understand is..."