Begging in Bulgaria or benefits in Belgravia?

The Government is planning an expensive advertising campaign to dissuade Romanians and Bulgarians from moving to Britain when immigration restrictions are lifted at the end of this year.

It is said to centre on the fact that the weather here is much cooler and wetter than they might expect.

Brilliant. That should make all the difference. How many impoverished Eastern Europeans are likely to be put off by warnings that Britain is cold and damp?

Face it, we surrendered control of our borders years ago: any attempt to frighten off Bulgarians and Romanians is doomed to failure.

Frank Sinatra said much the same thing about California, but that never stopped anyone moving there.

Ministers are desperate to counter the impression that the streets of Britain are paved with gold. But that’s exactly how it looks from Sofia and Bucharest, where migrants are already clambering in their tens of thousands to book their passage across the Channel in anticipation of a Life of Riley.

Who can blame them? The minimum wage in Bulgaria is 73p an hour compared with £6.19 here. Welfare benefits in Eastern Europe range from meagre to non-existent.

If you’re sitting in a crumbling, concrete, Soviet-era slum in Sofia, what’s not to like about Britain? Put yourself in their knock-off Nike trainers. Would you rather beg in the streets of Bucharest or sell the Big Issue in Bristol, while living rent-free in a modern council house and receiving an exciting range of welfare payments for your extended family?

It seems unlikely that many impoverished Eastern Europeans are likely to be put off by warnings that Britain is cold and damp (picture posed by model)

Would you prefer to be paid a pittance working in an asbestos factory in Bulgaria or earn £250 a week as a barista in a coffee bar in Belgravia?

Precisely.

So issuing an ‘adverse weather’ forecast is hardly likely to deter anyone. And any move by the Government further to restrict access to this country, to the jobs market or to the benefits system is certain to be ruled illegal by the European Court.

This is what being ‘at the heart of Europe’ means. Call Me Dave can hardly stand up one week proclaiming the joys of a liberal Britain ‘open for business’ and then sanction an international advertising campaign designed to persuade people to stay away.

Any attempt to frighten off Bulgarians and Romanians is doomed to failure. Face it, we surrendered control of our borders years ago. Britain can’t be ‘in’ Europe and expect to keep other EU citizens ‘out’.

We’ve been here before. When people from the eight EU ‘accession states’ were given the right to move to Britain a few years ago, the Labour government estimated that only about 13,000 would bother. In the event, more than a million settled here.

Given that there are 29 million people living in Bulgaria and Romania, it’s reasonable to assume we can expect an influx of at least 250,000 from those two countries, with all the attendant pressures on housing and public services.

So what is to be done? We need to persuade them that Britain isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Convince them that the idea of this country as a happy-go-lucky land of milk and honey is a myth.

This is where the Daily Mail can help. We should print millions of copies in Bulgarian and Romanian and airlift them to Sofia and Bucharest, where they should be given away free on the streets. A quick flick through the last couple of editions should be enough to make them think twice about relocating.

Take education. Do they really want to send their children to primary schools in which 40 pupils every day are expelled for attacks on teachers?

With a lifting of regulations on Romanians and Bulgarians in the UK the Government is considering a number of options to avoid the country's border being clogged with new migrants

As for our wonderful NHS, would any self-respecting Romanian mother-to-be want to give birth in the hospital where a premature baby had his dummy taped to his mouth by a nurse to stop him crying?

If they plan to bring elderly relatives over, would they want them placed on the fast-track, stairway-to-heaven Liverpool Death Pathway as soon as they developed dementia, like 20,000 other sufferers each year?

Would they be happy with the postcode lottery system which denies life-saving drugs to cancer patients depending on where they live?

What would they make of the news that the number of young women in Britain drinking themselves to death has soared over the past decade?

Do they really want to live in a country where every high street is infested with betting shops which feature casino-style slot machines more addictive than crack cocaine?

Would they feel safe on the streets when they read that dozens of dangerous criminals, including murderers, rapists and paedophiles, are simply walking out of open prisons every week and disappearing without trace?

If that bleak snapshot of Britain doesn’t persuade them to stay put or try their luck in Spain or Germany instead, nothing will.

Still, it’s not all bad news. They can at least comfort themselves that even if they commit a serious crime in Britain there’s no danger of them ever being deported to Bulgaria or Romania.

All they have to do is claim they would face ‘persecution’ back home, like the Sudanese rapist who attacked a 13-year-old girl but has been given indefinite leave to remain here under the Yuman Rites Act.

It’s all very well for Bulgarians and Romanians. They’ve got a choice. But what about those of us who live here already?

Cold and damp is the least of our problems.

I wonder what Bucharest is like at this time of year . . .

First it was guitars and tambourines, then Casio electronic organs. Now happy-clappy vicars are turning to karaoke machines to pull in the punters.

The official reason is that they can’t find qualified organists these days.

Would a vicar doing Karaoke attract you into a church service?

The advantage of karaoke machines is that they can play hymns in any style, from traditional to jazz and reggae. Apparently the disco version of Amazing Grace is especially popular with younger worshippers.

I can’t wait to hear the hip-hop version of Jesus Wants Me For A Sunbeam.

More Ice-T, vicar?

Khalil Jamil, from St Andrews, Fife was cleared of sex charges because he was a Muslim

Ignorance is a defence?

Back in September I brought you news of a pharmacist who had been cleared of sex charges because he was a Muslim.

Khalil Jamil, from St Andrews, Fife, put his arms round one woman, talked dirty to her, and positioned himself so that another woman couldn’t help backing in to him when she bent down to pick up some prescriptions.

But the General Pharmaceutical Council accepted that his behaviour wasn’t sexually-motivated because he came from a strict Islamic background and lacked the appropriate social skills in his contacts with women.

I remarked at the time, only half in jest, that soon the courts would have to introduce a verdict of not guilty by virtue of being a Muslim. I should have known better.

At Nottingham Crown Court, a Muslim who raped a 13-year-old girl he groomed on Facebook has been spared jail after a judge heard he went to an Islamic faith school where he was taught that women are worthless.

Adil Rashid, 18, said he was unaware that it was illegal to have sex with an under-age girl because his education left him ignorant of British law.

He claimed his teachers told him: ‘Women are no more worthy than a lollipop that has been dropped on the ground.’

Judge Michael Stokes said sending him to jail might do him ‘more damage than good’. The judge did acknowledge, however, that while Rashid may have been ignorant of British law, he was aware that pre-marital sex was ‘contrary to the precepts of Islam’.

So that’s all right, then.

This was a sex crime against a 13-year-old girl, for which anyone else could have expected a four to seven-year prison sentence.

Whatever happened to the notion that ignorance of the law is no defence?

Anthony Hopkins (left) and Helen Mirren in the new film Hitchcock directed by Sacha Gervasi

Anthony Hopkins and Helen Mirren have received rave reviews for their performances as Alfred Hitchcock and his long-suffering wife Alma. Some critics thought both should be nominated for an Oscar. Judge for yourselves when the movie, Hitchcock, opens in Britain next month.

But I have to admit when I saw the publicity photos I thought they were playing Neil and Glenys Kinnock at the 1991 Labour conference.

Lovely, tidy, smashing.

Smiley culture

Female spies are all the rage these days. From Carrie in Homeland, through Judi Dench as M in Skyfall and Jessica Chastain in Zero Dark Thirty, fearless women are portrayed as being in the front line of the war on terror.

So what are we to make of the real-life British secret agent who took her married boss to a tribunal claiming he was sexually harassing her?

Female spies, like Claire Danes' character Carrie in Homeland (right) are all the rage

The woman, identified only as ‘Miss D’, claimed her spymaster sent her sexually explicit texts and put pressure on her to sleep with him.

The final straw came when he asked her to dress as a cowgirl for the office Christmas party. Yee-haw!

In Homeland, Carrie was captured and beaten by terror chief Abu Nazir and willingly had sex with Al Qaeda suspect Nicholas Brody, played by Damian Lewis.

We are not told for security reasons whether this case involved MI5 or MI6. But if this dopey bird couldn’t cope with unwanted sexual advances from her boss, how on earth would she react if she was ever captured and tortured by the Taliban?

Somehow I can’t imagine Moneypenny ever taking 007 to a tribunal — even if he did ask her to dress up as Annie Oakley.