Who cares about “Under The Dome” when we have “Under The Pants” starring recalcitrant flasher/mayoral candidate Anthony Weiner and his pathetic wife, Huma(liation). Their horrifying press conference apres the latest penis pix was so avidly watched that Fox News even took time out from trashing ObamaCare to show highlights.

So what are Perv and wife to do now that (please God!) his political career is as dead as “Smash?”

WOR radio host Mark Simone tweeted the perfect solution: that Bravo should give them a sleazy reality show.

That way, she can capitalize on her national doormat status, and he’d have so many cameras filming him that he couldn’t take a pic of his favorite body part.

Failing that, Simone suggested Weiner “hold a press conference to show us all his penis, rather than having to keep taking pictures and e-mailing it to every woman on earth one by one.”

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PEN-ULTIMATE

Who knew that when I wrote that column about Kris Jenner trying to bribe me with a Tiffany pen that it would get picked up around the world? Now people in India know that I can’t be bought — not for a pen, anyway.

But, see, I also can’t keep the thing.

Sure, I wanted to send it back, but her people won’t return my calls. (I don’t have any people.) So I came up with what I thought were great alternatives to get the pen out of my hands while serving humanity at the same time.

1.) The Rebribe: Like the re-gift, the re-bribe can work in selected cases, suggests novelist Nelson DeMille. My first attempt, however, wasn’t one of those cases.

I tried to re-bribe my guy with the pen in exchange for his giving up cooking and/or continually watching action shows. I’ve still got the pen.

2.) Hold a Haiku poetry Kris Kontest with the writer of the worst poem winning the pen. This idea is still pen-ding a legal opinion.

3.) Use the pen to forge Kris’ signature on a $10 million check to her favorite charity such as The Botox Clinic for Needy Celebrities.

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UNDEAD TO ME

Although women (OK, I) will never get over Jonathan Rhys Meyers as Henry VIII in “The Tudors,” after watching an advance screener of his upcoming NBC series, “Dracula,” I have only one thing to say: “Jonny Boy! Bite me. Please!”