Musings and discussion about the world we live in today through the eyes of a young, hip (crazy) work-at-home writer, mother and wife. Motherhood, womanhood, sex, current events, issues, hot topics, and sex toys are just a few topics I cover. If a mommy thinks it, does it or needs it, you will probably find me pondering it here! Top it all off with a dash of humor and a splash of humility, and you have a fun, interesting blog. Laugh (at) and relate to The Wise (*Young*) Mommy!I am also writing a book on motherhood and sex called Sex and The Suburbs and you can check out my blog for the book here.

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Friday, October 31, 2008

I am on the front page of Top Momma today and I would love it if you would go click on me to keep me there! I am so excited and I would greatly appreciate the support! Click on the Top Momma badge below and then just click on my badge.

From one little devil to my many devilish little readers--HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

I hope you all enjoy frolicking around in your costumes, stuffing yourselves with high fructose corn syrup goodness and keeping your children from eating ALL their candy tonight. I know that is what I will be doing!

Stay safe, be good, but not too good ;) and don't do anything I wouldn't do! OK, or anything that I would do...

I will have lots of pictures of my adorable children all dressed up tomorrow, so come on back once you rouse yourself out of your sugar coma!

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OK everyone (ahem, JOE), here it is. The post you have all been waiting for--

I HEART DILDOS!

So before I start, I just want to explain to those of you who do not know me that I am a rather mild mannered, respectable mother and this behavior that I am about to describe is not the norm. The "girl's night out" gives us mommies the opportunities to take off our "Mommy" hats and pull the old, dusty "Crazy College Girl" hat out of the closet for a night. What you are about to see may shock or offend you, so if you are a devout Christian or Mormon, I please BEG YOU to come back to my blog tomorrow when I have something more decent for you to read.

OK, here goes...

So this is me:

Nice, sweet and completely innocent right? Yeah, I seem to think so. But the other night, this was me:

Now, I don't know how much you know about sex toy parties (particularly Athena parties), but the first thing the hostess does is douse everyone with pheromone spray. Do you know what pheromones are? Well, according to her, they are basically the "stink" that we all wash off that is supposed to "attract" our mates and make everyone around us love them. So imagine a room full of girlfriends soaked in the stuff while being shown sex toys, instruments and accoutrements. Yeah, they plan it that way my friends. To make us all hot and horny and willing to do crazy things with phallic shaped silicone tools of pleasure. Add some chocolate and wine and you get THIS:This is me slathering nipple cream on my breasts that is supposed to make them all up and att-em and tingly. Let me explain something here. I was the ONLY sex toy party virgin in the bunch (yes, shocking, I know) so I got to be the guinea pig. That meant that everything the hostess showed, I got to try (except the equipment--get your mind outta that gutter!). This included nipple cream, pheromone spray, pheromone cologne, and my very very favorite--the flavored clitoral stimulating lotion. Yes, I had the pleasure of going into the bathroom and putting the stuff on my hoo-ha and then coming back out to a room of grinning ladies that were waiting to see the look on my face. Yes, it certainly did tingle, ladies and gentleman. I sat there fidgeting in my seat, all hopped up on pheromones and tried my best not to get in the car and drive home to my husband right at that moment. Good stuff.

Then we were introduced to Wally.

He was going to assist us in trying out various other items such as lube and something called a "virtuality sleeve." Use your imagination on this one and you should figure it out. Here I am giving it the old college try with the virtuality sleeve:

It's actually a really great bicep workout.

Now the coolest thing about Wally was that he would stick to anything, such as a chair or the wall:

Nice feature, I thought. I texted my husband this picture to let him in on the excitement. Then I sent him a picture of the beautiful penis cake:

He texted me back with "Please stop sending me pictures of dicks. Thank you. Love you." I guess he didn't appreciate it as much as I thought he would...

So the evening ended with me spending WAY too much money on stuff (that's why they give you the pheromones--it's all a business tactic I think), including a piece of equipment called The Butterfly Kiss which I highly recommend.

And yes, I went home all smelling like pheromones and you can guess what happened...

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

(And no, those are not my real eyebrows, although last week that is what they looked like before I saw the waxing lady (a.k.a. the sadistic purveyor of torture).

The post you are all waiting for is coming (yes, Joe, I know how PATIENT you are being) but I am still awaiting the photos from my girlfriend (who has a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old, so I am refraining from bugging her about it). So now that the anticipation has been properly built, I am sure to disappoint all of you. I feel some pressure, I'll admit it. I feel like now that everyone has been waiting for so long that the actual story of what happened that night is going to pale in comparison to what you have all conjured up in your imagination.

So maybe I should just let you guys write the post for me. Come on, tell me. Give me your most creative version of my Sex Toy Party adventure. It will keep us all entertained until the real thing (complete with photos) arrives.

Bring it on!! (The most creative version will be awarded a prize--let's just say it's something that I got that night--suitable for a man OR a woman--woo-hoo!)

Sunday, October 26, 2008

I know you are all DYING to see embarrassing and dirty pictures of my girl's night out complete with every dildo-licious detail, and don't worry, you are going to get it. But you must be patient. I am working on getting the pictures from my girlfriends and also putting much thought into how I am going to write about this, well, let's say "sensitive" subject. I mean, come on people, my MOTHER reads this blog (as does my aunt, my sisters, my cousins...you get the point), so I guess I have two choices:

1. I am very careful as to what I post and make sure that I keep it as un-raunchy and PG-13 as possible, or...

2. I warn my mother (and family) of the nature of the post and tell them not to read it.

Now, with my luck I would go with number 2 and they would still read it (out of pure sick curiousity) and then they would forever think of me as this disgusting little slut and my mom will think that she must have done something terribly wrong in raising me.

Or maybe they'll just think it's hilarious.

Decisions, decisions. I mean, don't get me wrong, I didn't do anything THAT bad. Nothing that could get me in trouble with my husband or the police, so I'd say that it was a pretty innocent evening. However, there are some pictures of me doing some things to certain implements shaped like certain male body parts that proves that I have in fact done these things before, completely shattering the pristine reputation that I have worked so hard to maintain among my family members. Alright, who are we kidding, nobody thinks I am "pristine." So I guess I'll just have to throw caution to the wind and post this disclaimer:

WARNING: Please do not read my post entitled "I Heart Vibrators" if you are sensitive to topics sexual in nature or have any qualms about reading anything involving masturbation, sex, oral sex, anal sex, kinky sex, lubrication, vibrators, dildos, confections shaped like reproductive body parts, or clitoral stimulating creams. Also, if you are related to me and would like to avoid seeing pictures of me that may associate me with any of the above, please refrain from reading as well.

Do you think that will have me covered?

My other fear is that this post is going to bring a wave of sick-minded Googling perverts to my blog who have searched for "sexy moms with dildos" or "lubricated anal sex with mommies," and I certainly don't want to be inundated with pornographic comments or e-mails from lonely guys. So basically I have to really think about this and figure out a way to write this post tactfully and with dignity so I don't unwittingly become some cyber porn hot spot.

Well, we'll see what the pictures reveal and I will use my best judgment to bring you a post that properly represents the evening and amuses you, without getting me banned from Blogger because of my pornographic material.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Alright, hold on to your hats people, The Wise (Young) Mommy is doing something that I hardly EVER do and it is going to shock you:

I am going out tonight with my girlfriends!!!!

Yee-ha! Watch out! Somebody call the authorities! I am escaping out of my little bubble that consists of two children and a computer and am going to a very provocative little party at my friend's house called an "Athena" party. Anyone ever heard of it? Well, let's just say the Athena people sell toys, but not the kind you give your kids. I won't be doing any Christmas shopping tonight people, tonight is all about MOI (and my husband, kinda).

I might even wear something nice and put on some makeup and MAYBE wear HEELS!

Yes, I know I am running the chance of losing the contest for most shabby homeless-looking mommy. I even got my eyebrows done this morning so I stopped looking like that kid from the Jonas Brothers (sorry Happy Hour Sue!). Just call me a "wild child!" I just hope I don't get drunk and end up buying something really disgusting and then do obscene things with it while my girlfriends take pictures cuz then I would be REALLY embarrassed. (Oh, who are we kidding, the would be hilarious and I would probably even post the pictures for you if I wasn't afraid of attracting porn mongers to my blog--I mean, people are already coming here that wake up with their hand in their butts, I don't want anyone that wakes up with something ELSE in their butt!)

What's funny is that I am going to get all primped and preened and feeling sexy, might even spritz a little perfume on, pull on my high heeled boots, and go hang out in someone's house with a bunch of WOMEN. Seriously, there are NO men involved in this and there is certainly no one I am looking to impress because it is a group of my close girlfriends from high school and we all see each other in various assortments of mommy fashion like sweat pants and jeans and don't care. But the thought of getting dressed up and going out without my children attached to my leg and without a diaper bag in tow has me so excited that I don't care. I want to look HOTT (two t's because I am that smokin'!) for my ladies!

Cause let's face it mommies, we NEED the girl's night out. And most of us don't get them often enough! So let's hear a WOOT WOOT for me for I am BREAKIN OUT TONIGHT!

And maybe, just maybe, if you guys are really good and leave me, like A HUNDRED comments, I will post a picture.

And by the way, I hit 10,000 visitors last night!!!! And in honor of that I will be hosting my first giveaway next week--you won't want to miss it!

Yes, I admit it, I was a cheerleader. Back in the day there was nothing I enjoyed more than picking up a pair of pom poms, shouting my little heart out and building pyramids with my fellow cheerleaders. And I absolutely LOVED wearing my cheerleading uniform.

Well, back in my day the cheerleading uniforms were cute, but NOW, you wouldn't believe the styles and designs they have. Campus Teamwear is the place to get all the latest and cutest cheerleading apparel, along with gear, pom poms and cheerleading shoes. I couldn't believe how cool some of these new uniform styles are now. And now they can make custom warm-up suits, socks, hair accessories, and bags with your team colors and logos. How cool is that? I would have been in my glory back when I was cheerleading.

So for all those cheerleading moms and coaches out there, check out Campus Teamwear, because not only do they have the latest styles of cheerleading apparel, but they offer a low price guarantee. They will match any price of any competitor, and they throw in free shipping on orders over $100! So head on over to Campus Teamwear and start shopping for the cheerleader you love today!

Does anyone else think that my daughter's Barbie toy from McDonald's kinda looks like a transvestite?

Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against our transgendered population, and in fact, I happen to have had a few transvestite friends in college. But getting this Barbie in my daughter's Happy Meal started a conversation with my children that I wasn't exactly prepared to have. You see, when my daughter opened up her Barbie toy and took it out of the plastic bag, my 8-year-old son grabbed it from her and examined it closely.

"It looks like a man," he said as my 2-year-old grabbed it back and smoothed her lovely blond locks.

"My beautiful Barbie!" she said.

But I couldn't help but notice that, yes, this Barbie had startlingly male features, complete with a square jaw and overly done up lips and eyes. I muttered under my breath (my first mistake cause little ears hear EVERYTHING) "it looks like a transvestite."

"What's a transvestite?" my son asked. (And now my daughter is saying "transtestite" over and over while she lovingly combs Barbie's hair.)

Here is where I stop for a moment and have to make a decision. Do I tell him exactly what a transvestite is? Do I take the Mommy "out" and say "you'll find out when you're older?" or do I make something up?

I go with # 1 because I like my children to be informed and like to be honest with them.

"A transvestite," I say slowly "is a man who decides that he wants to be a woman, so he has operations to make himself look and sound like a woman. Or it could be a woman that wants to be a man." I brace myself for the barrage of questions.

"Why would a man want to be a woman?"

I say "I honestly don't know." (which is true, because honestly, life is just a little bit harder for us boobie bearers.)

He looked puzzled for a moment, and said to me "Do you wish you were a man?" Sometimes, I think, but then I catch myself.

"No, I am happy with being a woman."

"Good. Because I would NEVER want to be a girl."

"OK, good. But it's OK that some people feel differently, and you have to accept all kinds of different people, right?"

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Hey, remember that time, at band camp...wait, no, sorry, I mean----the time when I won Drama Queen in the Dottie Awards? Yeah, that was great...

Oh wait, I had a point here...

Oh yeah! The ladies over at MomDot featured me because of it (how radical, don't you think?) and you can find the little spotlight piece I wrote about myself over at MomDot today! Woopee! Hooray! Do a little dance, make a little love, get down tonight!And also, you can check out my new weekly column over at Moms Helping Moms. It is called The Home Office and it's all about being a rockin' mom and working at home to help pay those bills (you know those pieces of paper that you shove in a drawer and forget about until those annoying people start calling you...). So go see the first edition of The Home Office and join Moms Helping Moms if you haven't already--cause it's awesome (and if you don't, I will hunt you down and give you a wet willy!).

And tune in tomorrow because I have an awesome post coming about a transvestite Barbie and my parenting style in regards to enlightening my children about alternative lifestyles. It's going to be tranny-riffic!

My lovely colleague (yes, this blogging thing IS a very serious business, you know) over at Sex Diaries of a Mom gave me the Kreativ Blogger Award--on the very day that I am feeling my most UN-creative! So I am looking at it as a gift from the gods (or the goddess, in this case) to bring me back my mojo!! Thank you Jennifer! I am forever indebted to you! So here's the pretty bling:

And there are some rules, and they are to list six things that make me happy and then pass the award along to six others to make THEM happy. Well, I AM a giver in nature, so I will abide by these rules. The six things that make me happy are:

I feel like I have lost my mojo. I think someone snuck into my bedroom and sucked my mojo right out of my mojo-makin' place (which I think is located next to my pancreas, but I'm not really sure), because I seriously can't get my sh*t together. I am feeling very un-creative, un-funny and un-interesting.

Aren't y0u glad I decided to post?

Maybe it is because the economy has me so stressed out and depressed that I am getting ready to start selling organs to pay the bills.

Maybe it is because I feel like CRAP and my daughter feels like CRAP and life just doesn't stop when you feel like CRAP so you have to do stuff that makes you feel more like CRAP. Isn't that crappy? Yeah, I think so too.

I'm not sure, but all I know is that I have nothing interesting to titilate you with today, and I feel tremendously guilty for it. I am seriously wishing I could just pull something really great out of my ass right now to have you all commenting up a storm and telling me what a blogging superhero I am.

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Sunday, October 19, 2008

Have you ever had one of those days (or a series of days) that makes you think you must have done something really, really bad in a previous life and you are definitely being punished in some sick, karmic way?

Yeah, that was this weekend.

It started with Friday when I woke up with terrible stomach pain that felt like someone was wrenching out my uterus, and I had to jump out of bed to urgently pee (which didn't feel much better). The dreaded UTI, I thought. Yes, I know you were all wondering how often I get UTI's. Well, you are in luck, I am about to tell you. I get them about two-three times a year and they SUCK! And the worst part is that my doctor won't just call in a prescription anymore so I have to go all the way to the doctor just for her to tell me that it is a UTI (Really? I never would have guessed) and prescribe me an antibiotic (Yeah, that can't be taken care of over the phone, right? Evil!) But actually, what I was feeling on Friday felt more like I was getting my period, so I waited patiently with tampon at the ready all day on Friday.

But that little minx didn't show. Aunt Flo, you are tricky sometimes!

So Friday night I was laying in bed and every time I moved, I got sharp pains in my pelvic bones and in my groin (I know you have always wanted me to write about my groin too, right?). It was very uncomfortable and I started to get worried that this wasn't your run of the mill UTI. So Saturday I went to the urgent care doctor and had a urinalysis. I was also feeling run down and had a low grade fever and was getting dizzy.

Urinalysis came back normal. Hmmm. And the lovely urgent care doctor was so helpful by suggesting that I "wait it out" and see how I feel this week and if I am still in pain to go BACK to the doctor. Yes, it would have been so difficult to do some blood tests to possibly avoid me having to RETURN to the doctor with 2-year-old in tow. So I was sent on my way without any answers, feeling rather cheated.

Today I feel terrible--same kind of pain, urgency to pee and peeing every 15 minutes or so. I am tired and cranky and I just want my mommy. To top it all off, my 2-year-old seems to be getting a cold AND I have about a gallon of water soaked into my living room rug at the moment. Why, you ask? Well, let's just say a "certain" 2-year-old little angel needed to see the fishies better, and we'll just say that "somehow" both plastic fish tanks ended up on the floor--water, rocks, plants AND fish splattered all over the rug. Thank GOD I know fishie First Aid, because otherwise those little dudes would have been tonight's suhi dinner.

But no, I saved their LIVES! That must be worthy of some good karma my way, don't you think?

So basically, I am in pain, I am tired, and I am emotionally exhausted from the fish search and rescue mission. And I won't eve GO INTO the amount of things I have to do this week. So do I have time to go to the doctor?

NO!

And do I want to have to spend my precious time this week buying two new fish tanks and setting them up ALL OVER AGAIN?

NO!

This is where you say "oh poor you, Petra, life is just so unfair!"

Or you can just say "shut your whiny little trap and get over it Drama Queen!"

So yeah, I guess I'll shut up now. I promise I will be in a better mood tomorrow and my pity party will have ended.

Now I have to go because I really have to PEE!!!!!!!!!!!

UPDATE!!

Baby girl has the croup! Blegh! But in the good news department, I am feeling much better, now I only have a slight twingy, crampy feeling, so hopefully I don't have a kidney stone or anything...I promise I will go to the doctor if my symptoms persist or get worse mommies!!! (I love being pampered and fussed over--you guys are the best!)

But needless to say, I will be busy tending to the little lady, so I probably won't have a post for you today. I will try to have a good one tomorrow!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

I found this over at For a Pessimist, I am Pretty Optimistic--there's always something really funny over there!

You know, nobody ever talked about what would happen when Superman tried to have sex with Lois Lane...

And then there's this...

I don't think it needs any further explanation.

Also, there have been a few changes around my blog for you to be aware of. First of all, I have added a separate page for Awards. I have also moved all my badges to my Blogroll page, so if you don't see your badge, don't worry--it's there! And finally, I have also added a Review page, so if you want to check out the cool sites and products that I have reviewed, click on the "Reviews" tab at the top of the page.

OK, who has a teenage daughter going to the prom this year? I still have a few years before my little one goes off to her prom, but for those of you who have high school age daughters, you know that the prom is all about ONE THING.

THE DRESS.

Yes, you know it. I remember shopping for my prom dress back over 10 years ago, and trying on one after the other until I finally found the perfect one. A young lady needs just the right fit, not just for her body but for her style and personality. So when the time comes for a dress, you want to go somewhere where you have the most variety of styles, colors and fabrics by all kinds of designers. That way she can choose the one that is just right for her.

Well, Promgirl.net has a HUGE selection of prom dresses for 2009 in all the styles, colors, cuts, and designers you want. From prom dresses by Jovani for 2009 to prom dresses by Clarisse, they will have just what your little princess is looking for. They also have shoes, accessories, shoes, and spanx to finish off that elegant look. At Promgirl.net you will even find makeup tips and workout suggestions for getting into shape for the night.

Are you looking for a homecoming or Quinceanera dress? Promgirl.net has those too. From long to short and everything in between, you will find one for the occasion. Ballgowns, cocktail dresses and even graduation dresses are also part of all they have to offer.

The incredible quality and details are what set apart the dresses at Promgirl.net. Whether she is looking for something bold, bright and beautiful or understated and classic, she will find it there. And if you are worried about the fit, don't sweat it; you can find all the information there that you need on measurements and fit. And if you are not satisfied or didn't get the right size, they will either exchange the dress or give you a refund. Also, most dresses are in stock all the time so your order will go out within 24 hours, which means it gets to you quick!

Take advantage of the fact that Promgirl.net is 100% online. They have no overhead, therefore, they can offer these beautiful designer dresses at incredible discount prices. And if you need any help at any time, you can call their toll free number or even chat with a salesperson live online.

This prom season, get your daughter the dress she wants and protect your pocketbook. Go check out Promgirl.net!

Well, there are a few things that make me really sorry that I missed the debate last night. I totally planned on watching it, and then got all caught up in making a DIORAMA (by the way, you would all be SO proud of me, I didn't nit-pick or take over or ANYTHING. He totally did it all by himself, except for the glue gun cause I just knew he would glue himself to something) and was so flustered and exhausted afterward that I completely forgot it was on! I know! How could I? You see, that's what dioramas do to me! So here are the reasons I am disappointed I missed the debate:

#1. It is my responsibility as an American citizen to watch ALL the debates to be sure that I am making an educated decision when it comes time to cast my vote.

# 2. I missed out on hearing John "Old Wrinkled Politician" refer to the typical middle class man as "Joe Plumber" (is he related to Joe Six-Pack? Must be. I think I dated a Joe Plumber once...).

An finally, the biggest reason I am upset that I missed the debate:

I didn't get to feast my eyes on this:

...and laugh my ass off for the rest of the night!

Did I mention I was doing a DIORAMA?

Damn second grade! If I vote for the wrong guy I am totally blaming Mrs. M.!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

The dreaded time has arrived. My son is now in second grade and the time has come for his first school project. Gone are the lazy days of kindergarten and first grade where the most challenging activity that would come home would be a math worksheet. Now we are full-on engulfed in actual learning, complete with spelling words, nightly "silent" reading and the oh-so-inconvenient DIORAMA.

Let me tell you, I HATED doing dioramas when I was in school. I don't know why. It wasn't that I wasn't creative, although I am not the most artistic banana in the bunch. No, there was something else about creating this little scene inside a shoebox that just made me moan and sigh and do all those other things overly dramatic elementary school-aged little girls do when they are given such a tedious task. I would much rather have been given a whole BOOK of math problems or 10 book reports than to have to make a diorama. You see, I was what you would call, a nerd.

So basically, my nerdiness made school really easy for me, so when homework was passed out, I was already doing it in my chair so that it would be completed before the day was even over and in turn, I could jaunt home and enjoy an afternoon of reading "Baby Sitters Club" books or creating elaborate scenes with my "My Little Ponies." But when an assignment was given that had no academic pretense that meant I actually had to DO something at home, I wasn't lovin' it. That meant I had to find a shoebox, make little people to go inside and create a background, which all took away precious "me" time. And of course I wouldn't be happy with it unless it was a masterpiece, a work of art, the BEST DAMN diorama ever to be displayed in a second grade classroom, so it would take me even LONGER. Yeah, I was a bit pretentious. Get over it.

The other thing I hated was when we had to work in partners. UGH! As soon as the teacher uttered those words "Now pick a partner..." I rolled my eyes and sunk down in my chair. Now don't get me wrong, I wasn't anti-social, and plenty of kids wanted to partner with me, but I just always preferred working alone. It was much quicker and more efficient when I could just speed through the questions, carefully printing each answer on the lines provided and then sit at my desk "silently reading" for the rest of the time. Having a partner just slowed everything down because you had to actually TALK about the assignment and COME UP WITH IDEAS, blah, blah, blah, so I would usually pick the biggest slacker in the class as my partner and just do the whole assignment myself while he sat there picking his nose or doodling bombs and handguns on his Trapper Keeper.

So basically, now that you know I was a pretentious, perfectionist, isolated nerd, you can see why I am dreading all these projects in my son's future. Because, come on, we know what is going to happen. Because my son is the most UN-pretentious, UN-perfectionist and UN-nerdy kid alive, he is going to want to slap some pokemon figurines in a shoebox with some tape and color "a" tree for the background, and my perfectionist "never settle for less" persona is going to rear its ugly head and take over. Which means, my precious "me" time, again, is going to be spent making little people, creating a backdrop and making sure it looks like a masterpiece. And then it won't be his work, and the teacher will send a note, and I will have to go in and explain the deep neuroses of my childhood to rationalize my intense desire for the perfect diorama, and then the teacher will know exactly how CRAZY I actually am.

Well, if you are trying to go green, I have a great new service for you to try out, especially if you send a lot of funny forwards by e-mail to friends and family. ForwardOn.com offers a new service that is really cool, and it helps the environment.

If you are like a lot of people I know, as soon as a funny joke or inspirational story hits your inbox, you press forward and send it along to all your contacts. Well now, there is ForwardOn, which saves large amounts of bandwidth, storage and power consumption by posting those forwards on their site for all your friends and family to see. All you do is send ForwardOn the e-mail you would like forwarded and they send you a link to the content. You then forward that link to whoever you want to see the e-mail. They click on the link and view the forward on ForwardOn's web site. They also clean up the forward and make sure that it is free of viruses, so you avoid sending those on to others. The coolest part is that every time someone views one of your forwards, you earn points that you can redeem for gift certificates or that you can put towards donations to charities. You can also view other people's funny jokes, videos or inspirational stories.

ForwardOn also sponsors advertising on their site of which some of the proceeds go to green charities. So the more you support ForwardOn.com, the more you support the environment!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Sorry guys, but yesterday's post took so much out of me that today I am taking a Bogie.

First of all, I want to thank everyone that stopped by and left me a comment wishing me a Happy 100th post and also for all the "ovulation" wishes that I received as well. It was also great hearing all of your stories about trying to conceive and it is amazing how we all have so much in common when it comes to that particular topic.

Next, I want to remind you all to check out the Humor Blogger Carnival over at Etta Rose's Edge of Sanity. There is a CRAPLOAD of extremely funny posts over there (including mine, which probably pale in comparison to the other humor geniuses'). So show your support for Humor Bloggers Dot Com and check it out puh-leeaaaase!

Lastly, I want to share something with you that I have told very few people (ssshhh, I am keeping this on the DL for now) so you 300 hundred people or so should feel really special. I am thinking about writing a book. Yes, I know, everyone wants to write a book. And yes, mine will probably get finished around 2020 and will remain unpublished for the rest of my life like so many others', but it is something that I have just always wanted to do and I feel like I actually have something to share now. Are there too many moms out there writing books about parenting and raising little monsters, I mean children? I just don't want to be a cliche and write the same book that is being rejected all over the country because there is just too many moms with big mouths that want to "share." I would like your input here. Should I try to throw my hat in the ring or should I stick to blathering about random stuff on my blog? I only want to do it if it is really something that people will benefit from. Basically, I am thinking about putting together a funny collection of stories, anecdotes and advice for being a work-at-home mom and wife and trying to "have it all." It hasn't really taken shape yet, but I have some ideas swirling around in my head. I want it to be something mothers or someday mothers would read to get a laugh and a little perspective, and maybe even some comfort, knowing that we are all facing the same issues.

So now that I have completely bored all of you, I will sign off and leave you with this quote:

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." -George W. Bush

Monday, October 13, 2008

OK, first of all, this isn't the "post when I ovulate," like, I am not ovulating RIGHT NOW. This is the story of when I ovulated, which actually happened last week. I am about to share with you more information than I am sure you EVER wanted to know, so if you are squeamish about women's "business," such as reproduction, menstruation and fertile bodily fluids, then I suggest that you move on to your next destination, cause this post is for MY SISTAS!

Some of you may know that before I had my daughter, I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), a disorder in which you RARELY ovulate, and for most women affected by it, it is very difficult to get pregnant. Yeah, it SUCKS. Sucks eggs, actually (pun fully intended). So when I found out, I was appropriately devastated and wanted to know immediately what to do to trick my body into ovulating so my husband and I could get pregnant. Well, I went on a little miracle drug called Metformin, which helped me ovulate every month and a half instead of two-three times a year and within three months of being on it, I was preggo! DING! We have a winner! It was great and I had my daughter, ya-da-ya-da-ya-da, you know the deal. But I still had this cloud hanging over me that I wouldn't be able to conceive again, or that it would be really difficult.

Well, this was fine until The One Where I Changed My Mind (check out this post and you will now what I am talking about) because I wasn't even sure I wanted to have more kids. But lo and behold, that damn biological clock picked up where it left off and started ticking on me again. After a long, mature and heartfelt discussion with my hubby (ha, yeah right) about whether we should have another baby, we decided that yes, we would probably start trying again after we had moved into our new house and got settled. I was fine with that.

Until last week, when the unthinkable happened.

First let me explain to you that I was on birth control, simply to make sure we didn't have an "oops!" when we weren't ready, and to make my life easier by having shorter, lighter periods at the same time each month. But three weeks ago, I ditched the little jelly ring so I could "try" to get my body back on track before we started to try to conceive. I was imagining months of no period, followed by dreadfully long, heavy periods (like I always had before), followed by a trip to the OB/GYN where I would be poked and prodded and put on more medication. But, last week, while I was minding my business, sitting at my computer working (aka blogging), I got this strange sensation.

"Ouch!" I thought to myself. I had this stabbing pain on the right side of my abdomen and all of a sudden, I got a flashback of the day I conceived my daughter (yes, I do know the EXACT day; if you have ever "charted" your cycle, then you know what I mean) and that unmistakable feeling that I had all that day. There is NO other feeling like it. It is not like cramps, it is not like gas. I have had an appendicitis and it is not like that either. It is a very distinct, sharp pain like someone is poking you in the ovaries. Yes, people, you guessed it--

I WAS OVULATING!!!

My heart jumped into my throat and I did the quick mental math. I had ended my period about two weeks before, which would mean that, right off of the birth control, I was ovulating ON TIME!!! In my head I am thinking "no frikkin' way!" and I blew it off as a fluke. But for the whole rest of the afternoon, I felt that pain off and on. And lo and behold, whilst going to the ladies', I found the telltale sign. The sign that ONLY means you are as fertile as a redneck--EGG WHITE CERVICAL MUCUS (OK, I told you I was going to discuss female bodily fluids, so don't go lookin' at me like that!) Again, for any of you who have charted your fertility in order to get pregnant, you know that having stretchy, egg white-like mucus means that you are extremely fertile and it is the best stuff for those little guys to swim through to get to their destination. I must have sat in the bathroom staring at it for at least ten minutes, in total disbelief that I was fertile.

So of course I am having visions of jumping on this opportunity to catch that little egg before we lost our chance. I was ready to call up my husband and tell him to get his ass home NOW to make some baby-makin' love! I mean, what if this was THE LAST time I was going to ovulate for, like, six months--or EVER? What if this was some kind of fluke, or some joke that God was playing on me and I needed to be tricky and get the last laugh? So I texted my husband, and this is the exact transcript of that conversation:

ME: I'm ovulating. Isn't that cool? (Nice, subtle hint huh?)

HUBBY: OK cool. Does that mean you need a pill or something?

ME: Haha, no, I don't need a pill. I am excited that my body is doing what it should on time now that I am off the birth control.

HUBBY: Fantastic. So you have super powers now? LOL (WTF?)

ME: No super powers. Just hopefully the ability to get pregnant again someday. (yeah, the someday I was referring to was THAT NIGHT)

HUBBY: Right on baby! (the someday he is referring to is SOMEDAY)

ME: Groovy!

HUBBY: DY-NO-MITE!

(Yes, we are freaks of nature, but we make each other laugh, so it's all good).

So basicially, that conversation got me nowhere, so I decided to try my hand again later that day.

That night we had a VERY romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant and hubby was acting all lovey-dovey towards me and I thought, "This is my chance. I will get him drunk and take advantage of him so he can get me pregnant!" No, I'm just kidding (kinda). I thought, "This is my chance to broach the subject of conceiving that evening our next miracle child.

"So are you going to knock me up tonight or what?" I said oh-so-eloquently.

"Haha."

Yeah, that was it. He just laughed. So I let it go until later, during dinner, when I said,

"Wouldn't this be the perfect night to conceive a baby?" (I am smooth, aren't I? Yeah, you wish we were as smooth as me.")

"We're not conceiving tonight."

"We aren't?"

"No, we decided it was better to wait until we were settled in the house."

"Yes, but that was before I OVULATED!"

More laughing. Didn't this man know I was SERIOUS?

"I mean, what if it NEVER happens again? We don't know. We shouldn't be looking a gift horse in the mouth, don't you think? That's just wrong."

"We decided. We're waiting."

And this is where I slump down in my seat, defeated, because I know he is right.

So I decided to switch to Plan B and get him really drunk. Not really, but I thought about it. Seriously thought about it. I mean, I ALMOST did it, but then realized that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had to live the rest of my life knowing that our third child was born against my husband's will during a night of drunken (most likely bad) sex.

Damn that conscience of mine!

So I will wait patiently (yeah right) and hope and pray that my body continues to do what it is supposed to do so that we can squeeze out ONE MORE baby. Do you think that is too much to ask the fertility gods? I sure hope not...cause then we might be forced to adopt a baby from China or Africa and by then, Brad and Angelina may have taken them all!

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Thursday, October 9, 2008

Mama of Romance from Sex Diaries of a Mom tagged me for a meme and the very next day, Elizabeth over at The Parenting Pink Blog gave me an award! So now I am going to take the time to recognize these two ladies and the fact that they are faithful readers and commenters on my blog, as well as two really FABbO ladies! (Fabbo is for you Elizabeth, add it to your list of gibberish words that blogging mommies rely on.)

So here's how this whole meme thing works:

1. Link your tagger and list these rules on your blog.

2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.

3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.

4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Okay, here are 7 facts about myself:

1. I have never been to Disney World! Yes, I know, it seems un-American, doesn't it? But alas, I have never been to see Mickey and Snow White, and really I feel a little empty inside because of it. Hopefully the economy will get better and I won't have to mortgage my house to put gas in my car so we can make the trip at some point in the near future!

2. I was a theater major in college. Big shocker, I know, coming from the Drama Queen and all. Yes, I had big aspirations of being a professional actress, and I performed in quite a few shows in my day--The Who's Tommy, Shakespeare's Hamlet and Twelfth Night and Cloud Nine to name a few. I LOVED being onstage (and I was even nominated for some award competitions, which was really cool).

3. I HATE when people are perpetually late. With a passion. Nothing creases my shorts more than someone who is always making you wait around for them while they pick their nose or do their hair or whatever it is that people do that causes them to be late. I am usually EARLY--for everything, just because I am so dreadfully afraid that I will be late and screw up someone else's day.

4. I used to apologize for EVERYTHING (actually, still do a little bit). My parents were forever telling me not to apologize because not EVERYTHING was MY FAULT, but I was (am) one of those people who is just too sensitive and feels the need to take personal responsibility for all the bad things that happen. Neurotic much? Yes, thank you for asking.

5. I hate puke. I am not even going to elaborate because it will make me dry heave all over my computer screen, but let's just say it is one of the biggest obstacles for me as a parent. Nuff said.

6. I lived with two guys in college. (OK, before you're all like 'oh that slutty slut,' it wasn't like that dogg). I was looking for an off-campus apartment and there was a room to rent in a house near the school that just HAPPENED to be inhabited by two 20-something males. Let's just say, the clean-up before the move-in necessitated a HAZ-MAT suit and I cannot believe my parents let me move into that hole. But, it was a great experience and the guys were very good to me (plus they gave me the big-ass bedroom) so I can't complain.

7. OK, I am about to reveal something that might surprise you, or it might not, but before you all go Sarah Palin on my ass and judge me, just step off! OK, well, my last relationship before my husband was with a woman. This particular woman is now my best friend, and yes, it is fine with my husband, and NO, I will never have sex with her in front of him no matter how many times he asks. So that's that. So if you are a homophobe and now no longer like me or my blog, I say GOOD! Go away! (Insert big, slobbery raspberry here.)

So there's your seven facts about me (more information than you ever wanted, I am sure) and I am going to now break the rules and only tag one person, the beautiful lady who gave me an award this week:

“This blog invests and believes, the proximity”(meaning, that blogging makes us ‘close’ -being close through proxy)”

So I say THANK YOU ELIZABETH! I am honored that you like me enough to bestow this upon me, and I am grateful that you are a member of my blogging community!

Also, Elizabeth was kind enough to publish my article about my daughter that I wrote yesterday on her web site Parenting Pink, which is a great site for moms raising daughters. You should go check it out!

I feel thin today, and my ass looks really good in the jeans I am wearing. This rarely happens, so I am savoring the moment.

My hair came out good; I got up early and blew it dry, which I almost never have the chance to do. I am rockin' the much sought after "good hair day."

I love my husband today. It might have to do with the fact that I got laid last night, LOL. (Sorry Mom.) Truth of the matter is, I always love my husband, but some days I just feel it more and it makes me appreciate him more and I like feeling that way.

My daughter went off to my sister with no problems this morning and I am working in the office like a big girl, all by myself, with no children pulling at my leg or screaming for me to be "ALL DONE WORKING!!!" It feels kinda nice to get out into the real world every now and then...

I just have an overall sense of well-being. Maybe my subconscious is preparing me for something really terrible that is going to happen, but I like to think that this is my brain's way of saying "You see, you whiny little bitch, life ain't so bad after all!"

And it's not.

Word up.

Stay tuned, because I have some memes and awards to acknowledge, so there is more fun to come later today!

Also, if you get a chance, my mom nominated me for this award on Divine Caroline and I only have a pathetic five votes. I know I am not going to win, but I just don't want to be the losery last place blog. So if ya love me (or even like me somewhat), head on over there and vote for me, would ya? I would like to at least break 10 votes...

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Well, in the wake of my two Humor Carnival posts, I thought I would switch gears a little and write about something a little more serious, a little more poignant and a lot closer to my heart.

My daughter.

I am just flabbergasted at how infatuated with her I still am today, two and a half years after her birth. When she was first born, I would sit for hours, just watching her sleep, her face so peaceful and perfect. I tried to memorize the curves of her baby cheeks, her baby nose and the placement of the fuzz on her little baby head. Now, those memories are faded and worn, and I find myself searching the deepest recesses of my brain to find the wrinkle where those details are hiding. But, I also find myself doing the same thing with my daughter today, and it still amazes me.

I can still stare at my daughter and, after all this time of being a mother to her, can't believe that she was made from me. Although her nine month gestation was all too real, and I can still feel the kicks of her feet in my ribcage, it still seems surreal that I carried her around inside of me and gave birth to her so effortlessly. How could my body know what to do? How is it that she made her way into the world like a wise old sage and changed my life with one breath and a wail? Surely there is some kind of magic involved, for how can we, as humans, be so fallible, yet create such perfection?

This afternoon I found myself swelling with joy and pride and, yes, disbelief, as I looked at my daughter--her unblemished little face, crowned by golden silky tendrils, her smile so big and genuine. This is my baby girl? I am still waiting to wake up from this dream of motherhood, to find that somehow these past two and a half years were all a figment of my imagination. How else could I have ended up with this perfect little creature--this creature that feels like she is still a part of me, and if she were not there, I would lose myself?

To this day, I am still excited to see her in the morning, after a long night of her absence. I miss her terribly when she is away from me, with an ache that starts in my belly and travels to my heart until I feel my heart won't pump until I see her again. I still love touching her face, feeling the softness of her skin, running my fingers through her hair, dressing her, bathing her, holding her hand, kissing her goodnight. And when she utters those four words "I love you Mommy," my heart still grows to three times its size and sometimes, yes sometimes, I even well up with tears.

How can I still feel this way after two and a half years?

I don't know. But I hope I can hang on to it for just a little while longer.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Growing up, we had one hard and fast rule in my house that I never understood. None of my friends' parents had this rule. And in my mind, there was no good, logical reason for this rule to exist. There was one little word that you could not say in my house. I will give you a hint. It starts with "F." Another hint: it is a four-letter word. No, it is not the mother of all swear words, FUCK (haha, I can say whatever I want, it's my blog and now I'm a GROWN-UP). The word is...

FART.

Just seeing those four little letters in print actually makes me laugh (yes, I am in the sixth grade, thank you very much). But, for even more than it's ability to make people giggle, I love saying this word because for about, oh, I'd say 16 years or so, I WAS NOT ALLOWED to utter it.

What's so bad about the word fart, you may ask? I am not really sure, but my mother was offended by this word something fierce and it was treated as if it were one of the BIG TIME swear words--shit, fuck, piss, ass--you know the ones. If I said it accidentally, I got THE dirtiest look and I was reprimanded to use the phrase, get this--"break wind."

So while all my friends were going around telling fart jokes and enjoying their youth (cause what is a youth without being able to say the word "fart"?), I was destined to humorless jokes that did not involve a child's favorite bodily function. And I was one of those kids that DID NOT break my mother's rules, even when she wasn't around. So even on the playground and in the sanctity of one of my friends' houses where the parents were blissfully unaware of the evils of the word, I would not say it. Yes, I was a goody-two-shoes, people. I've come a long way, eh?

So as soon as I was old enough to realize that 1. The word fart is in no way a swear or cuss word, and 2. My parents really couldn't do anything about it if I said the word anyway, I began to use it. It felt so good to just be able to, well, let it rip--"Man, who FARTED???", "Oh dude, that FART was disgusting!"; and of course, "That fart was SILENT, but DEADLY!"

But I never really got over the hesitance in saying it, and now as an adult I don't say it all that much (I know, it's a shock that I don't go around talking about farts all day). I have even come up with another name for it myself, that I use with my daughter (because the word fart just doesn't seem right for the lovely emissions that come out of my daughter's rear end)--so we call it a POOF. Yes, that's right. My daughter farts and she says "Mommy, I poofed!" and it is the cutest thing on the planet.

So I guess I can forgive my mother for banning the word fart from her household. She just didn't want her perfect little baby girl saying such a harsh, offensive word.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I was honored recently to be accepted to the super-duper uber-exclusive community of Humor Bloggers dot com and I am PSYCHED to be included. So now it is my duty to promote the shit out of this site (which is awesome because it is filled with the funniest, sickest minds in the blogosphere, many of whom are SO MUCH funnier than I EVER will be and I am humbled to be in their presence) and also to promote HUMOR BLOGGERS UNITE!

This past week began Humor Bloggers Unite, a week of wacky shenanigans and FUN in which all us Humor Bloggers could get a kick out of ourselves and spread the word about this awesome community. Voting began on October 1st for the Humor Blogger of the Year Award, click here and vote:

And all us humor bloggers have been rigorously working on our posts for the Humor Carnival, which is being hosted by Etta Rose over at Edge of Sanity. Watch for my posts on Monday and Tuesday for the Humor Carnival and then you can head over to Edge of Sanity for the whole shabang on September 15th.

So check out Humor Bloggers dot com and if you think you are superbly funny, submit your blog and join us in the hilarity!

If not, it's OK, I still like you, but you should really work on being funnier.

Friday, October 3, 2008

From calling her fellow vice president nominee "Senator O'Biden" to her usage of the phrases "Joe Six-Pack" (which would probably be referring to my husband) and "doggonnitt," it was certainly the most interesting debate I have ever seen.

Her mispronunciation of nuclear as "nucular" was a tad bit reminiscent of the often slippery tongued gentleman who currently resides in the White House, which was a bit disconcerting. And her overwhelming use of the word "maverick" to describe McCain just about had me banging my head against the wall. I was properly proud of Senator Biden, however, for not correcting her on her mistakes and making her look like a fool. (But I think she was doing that well enough on her own.)

I don't want to spark a big political debate here. I know there are a lot of people who think that Palin is the best thing in stockings to come along in politics and I know she did hold her own better last night than most thought she would. She even had some good answers to questions (even though she looked like she had rehearsed the lines to death, almost as if she was in a bd high school play). But I just can't get past the fact that she seems out of her element, and I just don't think I am ready for a "hockey mom" who can't even pronounce words correctly in the White House. I want to feel confident in the people I elect to the highest positions in the country, and I just don't feel confident with her as vice president.

Which brings me to my next point. Why did McCain choose her? I can't imagine there wasn't a better, more experienced and more suitable cadidate that he could have chosen; so that only leads me to believe that he did it simply because she is a woman and he knew that she would spark a lot of controversy, interest and hype; which, in turn, would draw attention to him and get him votes for being so "forward thinking" that he would choose a woman. I would no sooner vote for someone just BECAUSE they were a woman than I would NOT vote for someone just because they were.

This whole election has made me ill because of the fact that we have heard more about race, gender and the personal life of Sarah Palin than we have about the actual issues. There has been such an abundance of slander that I can't sift my way through the bullshit to get to the real facts, and I am left grasping for whatever truth I can concoct. I don't want to make my decision purely on whether or not one could throw poo at the other one better or whether I ethically agree with the fact that Sarah Palin has a teenage pregnant daughter. I don't give a flying monkey butt about what Sarah Palin's daughter does. What I care about is whether she is qualified to help run the country.

And if I hear one more person talk about her legs or how "hot" she is, I am going to shove my ballot down my throat and choke on it.

OK, so what did we learn from this post?

#1. I am pretty sure Joe won the debate.

#2. Palin did better than we thought she would, but she still sounded alarmingly idiotic.

#3. Yes, Sarah Palin is hot, but that does not have anything to do with the election, so let's DROP IT already!

#4. Joe Six-Pack and Suzie Soccer Mom are the heart and soul of this country (which I do believe, by the way, since my husband and I both fit those descriptions).

#5. Apparently, McCain is a maverick, in every aspect of his being.

#6. Palin's highlights are just delightful.

Let's end on a high note here, with a funny little animation that just really sums up, in my opinion, the results of last night's debate.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Another glorious aspect of motherhhood is our lack of privacy and the fact that, for most moms, any sense of modesty goes right out the window. Case in point: this morning, when my 2-year-old daughter, wise beyond her years and always curious about the world around her, accompanied me to the bathroom. The conversation went a little like this:

Me: Yes, I do. (while sitting on the toilet, trying to keep my daughter's hands out of my crotch.)

Baby Girl: You have hair down THERE???

Me: Yes, baby, mommies have hair down there. Well, some mommies do.

Baby Girl: Can we brush it?

Me: (Now fidgeting uncomfortably on the toilet, just waiting for her to snatch a handful). No honey bun, we don't brush it.

Baby Girl: OH-MY-GOODNESS.

Me: Yes, and when you get to be a big lady like mommy, you will have hair down there too. It happens when you get older. OK?

Baby Girl: Yep.

Me: Any other questions?

Baby Girl: Yes.

Me: What is it baby? (Now getting a little weary and just wanting to get out of the g-darn bathroom)

Baby Girl: Can I have an apple?

So that was it. My first anatomy discussion with my daughter. I hadn't anticipated it to be this early on in her life, but I have a feeling it is only one of many more to come before I am fully prepared.

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Wednesday, October 1, 2008

First of all, I would like to make an announcement that I heard Britney Spears' mom on the radio with my very favorite Ryan Seacrest (how does he smile that big for so long, don't his cheeks hurt?) and she assured everyone that Britney is doing great and she spends lots of time with her and the kids. Thank GOD. Wasn't everyone so concerned? With that put to rest, now I can move on to worrying about other things, such as the presidential election and hungry, AIDS-infected children in Africa.

Now, the whole reason I titled my post with a Britney Spears song title was not so I could philosophize on whether she and Kevin will ever get back together, but because I did something this afternoon for the SECOND time in a week and I can't really believe it.

I went to bed in the middle of the afternoon. DUN, DUN, DUUUUUUNNNN! (Insert ominous music here)

Yes, I broke one of the cardinal mommy rules and I am just sitting here waiting to be struck down by lightning. Will the world stop spinning on its axis because I put my needs before that of the household twice in three days? I am not sure, but I am hanging on to my chair, just in case.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't do this just to be lazy. I actually have a cold that I got last week that went away and then had the audacity to come back and mess up my whole week which was supposed to consist of me kicking ass writing and working up a storm to earn some much-needed greenbacks to help our family in this disgustingly poor economy. But, instead of working like a little fiend, I found myself so worn out, exhausted and feeling like a big pile of poopity poop on Monday afternoon, that after I put my daughter down for her nap, I put myself down for my own nap. I managed to get through yesterday and get some work done without needing my blankie, however, going into the office this morning was about all my poor, sick body could take and I found myself back in bed at exactly 2:04 p.m.

I'm feeling pretty good about myself though, because I just managed to do a big sinkful of dishes that had piled up over the past few days.

But now I am faced with that dreadedly awful lead-body feeling you get when you sleep in the middle of the afternoon and I swear my daughter is speaking at LEAST two decibals too loud for human ears, and I have absolutely no motivation to do anything, including drop entrecards or comment on blogs (I KNOW! Can you believe that? I must have meningitis or something).

So before I fall face-first into my keyboard and end up with a broken nose on top of it all, I am going to go see if my daughter will pity me and snuggle with me on the couch until bedtime.

I am a young (kinda) work-at-home freelance writer/editor and mother of two married to the macho, sports obsessed, workaholic love of my life. I am a not-so-wicked full-time stepmother and mommy to a princess, trying to navigate through this crazy thing called parenthood. I love to write and I love being completely off the chain, yo. But most of all, I LOVE being a mom! What more can I say? Let's chat, let's share, let's get our blog on!Word.