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Learning the hard way about zombies: Howell

Since the tragic events of Sept. 11, anything untoward that happens on an aircraft is automatically assumed by regular people to be a terrorist attack.

The assumption may later prove to be false, but the mental connection is made regardless. We humans often act like sheep, but we don’t need to be hit with a club to the head more than once to realize that it hurts.

Why is it, then, that people in movies are always so stupid?

I’m thinking mainly of zombie movies, which invariably begin with people denying that the undead things that are devouring other people are in fact zombies.

You see this all over World War Z, this week’s big release. I actually like the movie — it’s a thrilling star vehicle for Brad Pitt — but it’s as dumb as a rock.

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In the film, despite mounting evidence that the “rabies” plague sweeping the planet is in fact turning people into ravenous cannibals, ears snap shut at the very mention of the word “zombie.”

“Are you completely out of your mind?” says one officious woman, when discussion turns to a Top Secret email that timidly floats the idea of an undead attack.

It’s only when snapping zombie jaws are literally inches away from Pitt’s heroic Gerry Lane that he fully snaps to the thought that he and his family may soon become zombie chow.

Why is this? Zombies have been in movies since 1932, when the great Bela Lugosi starred in White Zombie, introducing the “Z” word to the masses.

That’s 81 years ago. Wouldn’t you think that people by now would be used to the idea of zombies?

Let me interrupt this rant to say that, yes, I know, zombies aren’t real — unless the government is hiding something from us!

And yes, I know, World War Z is only a movie. But why is it that in almost every zombie movie, nobody has ever heard of zombies until they start attacking? Don’t any of these people ever go out to the picture show?

“What I think is interesting is that there’s very rarely a ‘meta’ exercise in zombie movies,” he said.

“Most directors are trying to put it in a world where the cultural notion of zombies doesn’t exist. It’s always a first. And it’s a valid technique, but I frankly enjoyed TheReturn of the Living Dead to no end, because it’s a meta exercise, acknowledging right away that zombies exist. It’s a punk movie, a curiously misanthropic movie. I love it.”

I also think of it as one of the most frightening zombie films ever, and I’ve seen plenty of them, because it treats zombies so matter-of-factly. The more recent Zombieland was in the same dark vein. Both films suggest that zombies are the itch that can never be completely scratched.

I wonder how many more years we’ll keep making movies where the astonished populace on the screen learns the hard way about zombies.

But just in case there are people reading this who don’t know what to do in the event of a zombie apocalypse, here are a five spotting and stopping techniques I’ve learned from the movies:

1. Bug-eyed and biting, probably zombie: If your neighbour who has been quietly cutting his lawn or walking his dog suddenly starts moaning, drooling blood and lurching towards you with snapping fangs, he’s probably turned zombie. Run or prepare to fight.

2. Zombies don’t just lurch, they run: George Romeo set the stumbling zombie template with his 1968 indie classic Night of the Living Dead, but it’s fatal to assume they all do this. More recent zombies, the ones in 28 Days Later, the Dawn of the Dead remake and now World War Z, are actually darned good at sprinting, leaping and climbing. Get fit or get eaten.

3. Watch out for hybrids: Most zombies work like, uh, zombies, doing their ghastly deeds 24/7 without any thought of overtime pay. But the vampire/zombie hybrids of I Am Legend would down fangs at sunrise, allowing Will Smith a few hours of anxious shut-eye. And World War Z seems to introduce a new breed of zombie, ones with incredibly acute hearing. If you venture into zombie zones at night, be careful and quiet.

4. Remember the double tap: The best way to stop a zombie is to shoot it in the head. Every film seems to agree with this. But Zombieland adds the fail-safe of the double tap to the noggin. Heed the words of Jesse Eisenberg’s zombie-savvy Columbus: “Don’t get all stingy with your bullets.” Note to peacenik Canadians: a double swipe with a sturdy hockey stick should work fine, too.

5. Deke the “Zekes”: If all else fails, and you run out of bullets or hockey sticks, deke the “Zekes,” as they call them in World War Z. Shoot fireworks into the sky; zombies will stand slack-jawed watching, totally unlike how humans do it. If you’re really desperate and/or brazen, do like Bill Murray did in Zombieland and Simon Pegg and his pals do in Shaun of the Dead, and pretend to be a zombie. If you blend in well, you might even get nine holes in on an empty golf course without getting spotted (or eaten).

You’re very welcome. See you at the movies.

THE BLACK LIST LIVE: Ever wonder wherefilmmakers get some of their best ideas? Franklin Leonard knows. He’s the founder of The Black List, the annual tally of the hottest unproduced scripts. He’s coming to TIFF Bell Lightbox Saturday as part of TIFF’s STUDIO program to share his secrets. Email registration@tiff.net for details.

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