Latest +++++++++

Invasion of the eyebrows

Posted February 28, 2013

Is the John Lewis store in Cambridge aware that its beauty department has been invaded?

An alien life form has emerged from beneath the hairlines of the store’s beauty consultants, crept down their foreheads and settled just above their eyes. Their natural eyebrows have been substituted for two flattened slugs. Or at least that’s how it appears to me when the consultants fix me with their gaze and ask if I need any help. Puts me right off buying a new eye shadow, I can tell you.

Clearly these alien invaders are not that clever. If they were, they’d realise that they have broken a couple of the cardinal rules of beauty. The first and most important rule, as any makeup artist worth their salt will know, is to blend. Caterpillar eyebrows are … erm … how can I put this kindly? … VERY OBVIOUS. And they are terrifying to look upon. I literally had to stifle a scream when one set of ‘eyebrows’ suddenly appeared over a counter top. I hadn’t spotted the host body as it knelt on the floor and rummaged in a drawer for a lipstick.

The second golden rule to makeup is to match the skin tone. Unfortunately the aliens haven’t worked out that this covers a broad spectrum. Which probably accounts for why the 'brows only come in two shades – coal mine black or boot polish brown. Both colours fail to flatter the wearer; they do, however, succeed in scaring the hell out of the customer.

When I dared to look around the other counters, I realised that forty per cent of the beauty department was now afflicted with the ‘eyebrows’. This was a marked increase on my last visit. Thankfully the invasion hasn’t yet spread to other departments within the store. Or maybe it has, but the aliens have adapted their form in order to fit in (have they learnt how to blend after all?).

Why are they here? What do they want from us?

I don’t know but every morning I approach the bathroom mirror with trepidation.