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seeing as the second chapter was really small, this was faster to write. Thanks to hell88 for the idea on Helen's father

Spoiler for chapter 3:

Chapter 3:
Like Father, Like Daughter

Deneve couldn’t hide the amazement that she was feeling. The eyes and the mouth of her always so calm face were wide with the shock.
She looked to the woman, to Helen and to the woman again.

“Mother!? Did I just hear mother?”

Apparently, Deneve has listened right because Helen was looking at the elder woman with the angriest expression on her face; her hands were closed with such strength that Deneve feared that Helen would cut herself with her fingernails.
Looking better at the woman, Deneve couldn’t see any resemblance between the two. Helen was taller than her supposed mother and, although both had short hair, the styles were completely different.
Even any resemblance that could be drawn from the features of the face was completely invisible to Deneve.

The elderly woman looked down, not daring to stare at her daughter’s accusatory eyes “Please, don’t look at me that way Helen, I am your mother.”

“Shut up!” yelled Helen, clenching her fists once again “A mother does not sell her daughter to the Organization!”

Deneve looked around with discomfort, seeing that everyone on the streets was staring at them. She noticed that Helen wasn’t caring about that because her friend was still yelling; fearing that Helen might do something that she would regret after, Deneve stepped in the middle of them, trying to calm the agitation.

“C’mon Helen. Calm down, this is not like you at all.” Deneve said, raising her hands.

“Shut up, Deneve!” Helen yelled again while pushing her friend out of the way. “This is between me and this witch.”

Deneve was surprised by Helen’s strength; her friend was already using Yoki?
That was no good.
If she kept emanating Yoki like that, there was the possibility that they would be found out by the Organization.
Knowing that, Deneve stepped forward again and grabbed Helen by the shoulders, trying to bring some sense into her hard-head.

“What it’s with all this hate?” she said “Tell me exactly what happened.”

“Do you want to know? Then I tell you, this woman…” Helen pointed in the direction of her mother “…sold me to the Organization when I was only 7 years old!”

Deneve stared with a shocked expression on her face at the woman; like if she wanted her to deny what Helen just said.
Usually, Claymores were girls whose families had been exterminated by Yoma; Clare was the first and only child to knock at the Organization’s door.
But this…a mother who had sold her own daughter…knowing what they would do to her…it was unforgivable!

Helen released herself from her friend’s hands and walked away, passing by her mother without even looking at her.

“I’m going to the woods for awhile.” Helen spoke with her back turned to Deneve “You can stay in here if you want, after all, its night already.”

“Wait, Helen…”

Deneve raised her hand, trying to stop Helen but it was no use. Her friend had already left, running faster than Miria’s Phantoms.
Deneve sighed and got ready to pursue her. However, she stopped when she looked to the elder woman.
She had collapsed on the ground, trembling and with tears running from her eyes; her concerns for Helen momentarily disappearing, Deneve kneeled and placed her hand on the woman’s shoulder.

“Oi, are you all right?”
The woman nodded; there were no words to express the pain that she was felling so she didn’t even try.
Deneve passed one of her arms above her neck and helped Helen’s mother to get up. The silver-eyed woman noticed that she was wearing very poor clothes.

“Thank you.” she said while cleaning her tears “Are you my daughter’s friend?”

Deneve hesitated a little before answering; she too felt some rage towards that woman because of what Helen had accused her of doing. “Yes, I’m called Deneve.”

“It’s a long story. I guess it suffices to say that we are not with the Organization anymore.” Deneve grumbled.

Helena smiled when she heard that she noticed by Deneve’s tone of voice that she was also angry at her.

“I’m glad to hear that.” she said “I understand that you are probably also mad with me right now but please, help to my house and I will explain everything to you.”

Helen nodded and, ignoring the eyes of the peoples on the streets, she followed Helena’s directions and soon, they reached a house made of wood.
Deneve strange that because every other house was made of stone but she released Helena when she assured that she could walk without help and entered the house.

Deneve inspection the house where she had just entered. Definitively, it’s didn’t look like the house of a woman who had sold her daughter to the Organization for a river of gold.

Even dirtier than its owner, the house was probably one of the poorest in the town.
The walls, who were once whites, were now painted in brown, the floor had some holes from where rats could hide and the ceiling certainly allowed water to pass in rainy days.

“Poor woman.”

Helena told Deneve to sit, indicating one of the chairs that were near an almost broken table; the silver eyed woman feared that the weight of her claymores would be too much for the chairs to support, so she placed them on the floor before she sat.
Helena disappeared in another room and appeared with some bread, a knife and a jar of wine.

“Please eat and drink, Deneve. It’s not much but it’s what the good people of this town can give to me.” Helena said, while cutting a slice of the bread.

Deneve nodded and accepted the slice “It’s more than enough. We don’t have to eat much.”

Surprisingly, the bread tasted really good and, as soon as she started eating, Deneve noticed how truly hungry she was and it didn’t took long before she was already asking for another slice.
While eating, Deneve noticed that there was also a fireplace on the house and above the fireplace there something that looked like it was the most valuable object of that house.

It was a painting.

Or better yet, a masterpiece.
The painting was certainly painted by a master because it was extremely realistic, it was like if someone had captured the image of the man and simply placed it on the paper.
It was certainly worth a fortune.
But that wasn’t what amazed Deneve; she was amazed because the man that was on the painting looked like the male version of Helen.
The hair, the features, everything except for two signals that the man had above his right eye, everything was similar to Helen.

“Look, who is the man in that painting?” asked Deneve staring at it

“As you might have already guessed that’s Helen’s father.” Helena answered, looking at the painting “I never got to know his name; the only thing I know is that he was the leader of a group of bandits.”

“When I was only 17 years old, he and his band attacked the village I lived in. I was taken prisoner and Helen’s father took me for himself. I repeatedly rape by him and after a year of travelling with them, I got pregnant.”

“While I was pregnant, the group attacked another village but this one was well defended and the two bandits who watched over me were forced to go into battle. I seized the opportunity, stole some gold and this painting and escaped. By some miracle, I was able to reach this village alive and Helen was born soon after.”

Seeing that Helena was almost crying because of those memories, Deneve felt sorry for her but, as usual, her face remained calm. “Then, how did Helen end up with the Organization?”

Helena cleaned her eyes before answering. “When Helen was seven, a man from the Organization named Ermita came. He said that my daughter was special and that the Organization needed her.”

“And you simply gave up Helen just like that?” Deneve said, snapping her fingers.

“I didn’t want to but…”

20 years ago

“Hoe can you say that?” screamed a shocked Helena when she heard Ermita’s words “What right does the Organization have to take a daughter away from her mother.”

“As I’ve explained…” answered Ermita, still sitting on his chair, extremely calm “…Helen is special. She is one of the Four and the Organization needs her.”

“No! No! A thousand times no.” yelled Helen’s mother again and opened the door that lead to the street. “Now, please leave.”

Ermita nodded and headed for the door, however, before he left the house, Ermita spoke again “As you wish. Just remember, don’t expect the Organization to answer to requests from help coming from this town and let me say, the Yoma have the bad habit to find out which towns aren’t protected by us.”

Ermita turned his back to Helena and left the house. He was stopped by the woman’s voice. “Wait!”

Helena couldn’t see but Ermita was smiling under his robes…

“One of the Four? What does that means?” asked Deneve but Helena was once again staring at the painting.

“Don’t know. He didn't elaborated it.”

“If you hated him that much why did you kept the painting instead of selling him?” asked Deneve

“Because as you can see, Helen really looks like her father and the painting it the only thing I have to remember her.”

Deneve saw the pain on Helena’s eyes and she decided that she had to explain the situation better to Helen. “Do you know what happened to him?”

Helena raised her shoulders “I’ve heard that he was killed while attacking a town. Killed by a Claymore.”

* *

Later in that night

The two men were as drunk as they could get.

Swerving as they walked, they had to old each others arms in order to not fall.
Walking down the streets, they sang badmouthed songs while trying to decide if they should go back to their houses or simply return to the bar to get more alcohol.
One of them looked to the entrance of the town and he saw someone that he had never seen before on his life.

It was a tall man who had short blond hair and was dresses on dark clothes.
The man also had a scar on his forehead.

Location: Canada, but sometimes in La La-Land hanging out with Midori-chan89

Age: 29

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterJB

seeing as the second chapter was really small, this was faster to write. Thanks to hell88 for the idea on Helen's father

Spoiler for chapter 3:

Chapter 3:
Like Father, Like Daughter

Deneve couldn’t hide the amazement that she was feeling. The eyes and the mouth of her always so calm face were wide with the shock.
She looked to the woman, to Helen and to the woman again.

“Mother!? Did I just hear mother?”

Apparently, Deneve has listened right because Helen was looking at the elder woman with the angriest expression on her face; her hands were closed with such strength that Deneve feared that Helen would cut herself with her fingernails.
Looking better at the woman, Deneve couldn’t see any resemblance between the two. Helen was taller than her supposed mother and, although both had short hair, the styles were completely different.
Even any resemblance that could be drawn from the features of the face was completely invisible to Deneve.

The elderly woman looked down, not daring to stare at her daughter’s accusatory eyes “Please, don’t look at me that way Helen, I am your mother.”

“Shut up!” yelled Helen, clenching her fists once again “A mother does not sell her daughter to the Organization!”

Deneve looked around with discomfort, seeing that everyone on the streets was staring at them. She noticed that Helen wasn’t caring about that because her friend was still yelling; fearing that Helen might do something that she would regret after, Deneve stepped in the middle of them, trying to calm the agitation.

“C’mon Helen. Calm down, this is not like you at all.” Deneve said, raising her hands.

“Shut up, Deneve!” Helen yelled again while pushing her friend out of the way. “This is between me and this witch.”

Deneve was surprised by Helen’s strength; her friend was already using Yoki?
That was no good.
If she kept emanating Yoki like that, there was the possibility that they would be found out by the Organization.
Knowing that, Deneve stepped forward again and grabbed Helen by the shoulders, trying to bring some sense into her hard-head.

“What it’s with all this hate?” she said “Tell me exactly what happened.”

“Do you want to know? Then I tell you, this woman…” Helen pointed in the direction of her mother “…sold me to the Organization when I was only 7 years old!”

Deneve stared with a shocked expression on her face at the woman; like if she wanted her to deny what Helen just said.
Usually, Claymores were girls whose families had been exterminated by Yoma; Clare was the first and only child to knock at the Organization’s door.
But this…a mother who had sold her own daughter…knowing what they would do to her…it was unforgivable!

Helen released herself from her friend’s hands and walked away, passing by her mother without even looking at her.

“I’m going to the woods for awhile.” Helen spoke with her back turned to Deneve “You can stay in here if you want, after all, its night already.”

“Wait, Helen…”

Deneve raised her hand, trying to stop Helen but it was no use. Her friend had already left, running faster than Miria’s Phantoms.
Deneve sighed and got ready to pursue her. However, she stopped when she looked to the elder woman.
She had collapsed on the ground, trembling and with tears running from her eyes; her concerns for Helen momentarily disappearing, Deneve kneeled and placed her hand on the woman’s shoulder.

“Oi, are you all right?”
The woman nodded; there were no words to express the pain that she was felling so she didn’t even try.
Deneve passed one of her arms above her neck and helped Helen’s mother to get up. The silver-eyed woman noticed that she was wearing very poor clothes.

“Thank you.” she said while cleaning her tears “Are you my daughter’s friend?”

Deneve hesitated a little before answering; she too felt some rage towards that woman because of what Helen had accused her of doing. “Yes, I’m called Deneve.”

“It’s a long story. I guess it suffices to say that we are not with the Organization anymore.” Deneve grumbled.

Helena smiled when she heard that she noticed by Deneve’s tone of voice that she was also angry at her.

“I’m glad to hear that.” she said “I understand that you are probably also mad with me right now but please, help to my house and I will explain everything to you.”

Helen nodded and, ignoring the eyes of the peoples on the streets, she followed Helena’s directions and soon, they reached a house made of wood.
Deneve strange that because every other house was made of stone but she released Helena when she assured that she could walk without help and entered the house.

Deneve inspection the house where she had just entered. Definitively, it’s didn’t look like the house of a woman who had sold her daughter to the Organization for a river of gold.

Even dirtier than its owner, the house was probably one of the poorest in the town.
The walls, who were once whites, were now painted in brown, the floor had some holes from where rats could hide and the ceiling certainly allowed water to pass in rainy days.

“Poor woman.”

Helena told Deneve to sit, indicating one of the chairs that were near an almost broken table; the silver eyed woman feared that the weight of her claymores would be too much for the chairs to support, so she placed them on the floor before she sat.
Helena disappeared in another room and appeared with some bread, a knife and a jar of wine.

“Please eat and drink, Deneve. It’s not much but it’s what the good people of this town can give to me.” Helena said, while cutting a slice of the bread.

Deneve nodded and accepted the slice “It’s more than enough. We don’t have to eat much.”

Surprisingly, the bread tasted really good and, as soon as she started eating, Deneve noticed how truly hungry she was and it didn’t took long before she was already asking for another slice.
While eating, Deneve noticed that there was also a fireplace on the house and above the fireplace there something that looked like it was the most valuable object of that house.

It was a painting.

Or better yet, a masterpiece.
The painting was certainly painted by a master because it was extremely realistic, it was like if someone had captured the image of the man and simply placed it on the paper.
It was certainly worth a fortune.
But that wasn’t what amazed Deneve; she was amazed because the man that was on the painting looked like the male version of Helen.
The hair, the features, everything except for two signals that the man had above his right eye, everything was similar to Helen.

“Look, who is the man in that painting?” asked Deneve staring at it

“As you might have already guessed that’s Helen’s father.” Helena answered, looking at the painting “I never got to know his name; the only thing I know is that he was the leader of a group of bandits.”

“When I was only 17 years old, he and his band attacked the village I lived in. I was taken prisoner and Helen’s father took me for himself. I repeatedly rape by him and after a year of travelling with them, I got pregnant.”

“While I was pregnant, the group attacked another village but this one was well defended and the two bandits who watched over me were forced to go into battle. I seized the opportunity, stole some gold and this painting and escaped. By some miracle, I was able to reach this village alive and Helen was born soon after.”

Seeing that Helena was almost crying because of those memories, Deneve felt sorry for her but, as usual, her face remained calm. “Then, how did Helen end up with the Organization?”

Helena cleaned her eyes before answering. “When Helen was seven, a man from the Organization named Ermita came. He said that my daughter was special and that the Organization needed her.”

“And you simply gave up Helen just like that?” Deneve said, snapping her fingers.

“I didn’t want to but…”

20 years ago

“Hoe can you say that?” screamed a shocked Helena when she heard Ermita’s words “What right does the Organization have to take a daughter away from her mother.”

“As I’ve explained…” answered Ermita, still sitting on his chair, extremely calm “…Helen is special. She is one of the Four and the Organization needs her.”

“No! No! A thousand times no.” yelled Helen’s mother again and opened the door that lead to the street. “Now, please leave.”

Ermita nodded and headed for the door, however, before he left the house, Ermita spoke again “As you wish. Just remember, don’t expect the Organization to answer to requests from help coming from this town and let me say, the Yoma have the bad habit to find out which towns aren’t protected by us.”

Ermita turned his back to Helena and left the house. He was stopped by the woman’s voice. “Wait!”

Helena couldn’t see but Ermita was smiling under his robes…

“One of the Four? What does that means?” asked Deneve but Helena was once again staring at the painting.

“Don’t know. He didn't elaborated it.”

“If you hated him that much why did you kept the painting instead of selling him?” asked Deneve

“Because as you can see, Helen really looks like her father and the painting it the only thing I have to remember her.”

Deneve saw the pain on Helena’s eyes and she decided that she had to explain the situation better to Helen. “Do you know what happened to him?”

Helena raised her shoulders “I’ve heard that he was killed while attacking a town. Killed by a Claymore.”

* *

Later in that night

The two men were as drunk as they could get.

Swerving as they walked, they had to old each others arms in order to not fall.
Walking down the streets, they sang badmouthed songs while trying to decide if they should go back to their houses or simply return to the bar to get more alcohol.
One of them looked to the entrance of the town and he saw someone that he had never seen before on his life.

It was a tall man who had short blond hair and was dresses on dark clothes.
The man also had a scar on his forehead.

Thelmus had arrived.
Casualties were now unavoidable.

Great title.

Anyway I don't have much to say about this chapter except one thing. When Helen's mother Helena is telling Deneve about the father it isn't described very well about who he is. I think more description is needed for this part if you really want to catch the readers attention unless you are planning on saying more about who it was and how he died later in the next chapter or something? It also doesn't say enough as to why she has that painting, all she says is that it reminds her of Helen, but I would have used something else like its worth a ton of money, or something like that.

Ditrich : A mission SIR?Yes SIR!
Ermita : You must find Isley "horse" in the south!
Dietrich : Yes SIR!
Ermita : I need him in order to find my runaway daughters!

Dietrich : Sir, what if i meet a "demon"!
Ermita : Keep your breath...
Dietrich : What if this don't work sir!
Ermita : Throw milk...

Dietrich : Renee how can i throw milk?
Renee : Is easy...let me show you...(use yoki manipulation)
Dietrich : So thats how is it!Wow!
Renee : You saw, is easy!...Oh,damn, now i have to change my clothes!

Ermita : Audrey from now one you will act like a "princess"!
Audrey : I like that!Hey where is my stylist!
Ermita : Rachel you will act like a crazy rottweiler!
Rachel : HELL YEAH!Where did i put my sword dammit?
Ermita : Renee,you must become SMART...but cover your boobs first!
Renee : Ups, i used to much YOKI (AGAIN!)!

Ermita : ...people just don't realise how hard is to raise and train a new batch of "daughters"...damn Rubel!

Deneve couldn’t hide the amazement that she was feeling. The eyes and the mouth of her always so calm (I get what you're trying to get at, but it's a bit too wordy) face were wide with the shock.(argh, space needed =O)
She looked to the woman, to Helen and to the woman again.

“Mother!? Did I just hear mother?”

Apparently, Deneve has listened (use heard instead) right because Helen was looking at the elder woman with the angriest (elaborate on this: go like 'the angriest expression she had ever seen Helen wore' or something like that, because it seems really choppy if you just leave it as angriest.) expression on her face; her hands were closed with such strength that Deneve feared that Helen would cut herself with her fingernails.(space needed)
Looking better at the woman (not grammatically correct/awkward phrasing), Deneve couldn’t see any resemblance between the two. Helen was taller than her supposed (italics add that effect on it, as if Deneve is really doubting if that women is Helen's mom) mother and, although both had short hair, the styles were completely different. (hairstyles really have nothing to do with genetics...)
(space needed) Even any resemblance that could be drawn from the features of the face was completely invisible (use non-existant) to Deneve.

The elderly woman looked down, not daring to stare at her daughter’s accusatory (weird choice of word) eyes. “Please, don’t look at me that way Helen, I am your mother.”

“Shut up!” yelled Helen, clenching her fists once again. “A mother does not sell her daughter to the Organization!”

Deneve looked around with discomfort, seeing that everyone on the streets was staring at them. She noticed that Helen wasn’t caring about that because her friend was still yelling. Fearing that Helen might do something that she would regret after, Deneve stepped in the middle of them, trying to calm the agitation.

“C’mon Helen. Calm down, this is not like you at all.” Deneve said, raising her hands.

“Shut up, Deneve!” Helen yelled again while pushing her friend out of the way. “This is between me and this witch.”

Deneve was surprised by Helen’s strength; her friend was already using Yoki?(space needed)
That was no good. (use 'That was not good' instead. No good sounds too much like Chinglish xD [sounds like something my mom would write..])(space needed)
If she kept on emanating Yoki like that, there was the possibility that they would be found out by the Organization.
(space needed) Knowing that, Deneve stepped forward again and grabbed Helen by the shoulders, trying to bring some sense into her hard (no dash) head.

“What it’s with all this hate?” she said “Tell me exactly what happened.”

“Do you want to know? Then I'll tell you, this woman,” Helen pointed in the direction of her mother “…sold me to the Organization when I was only 7 years old!”

Deneve stared with a shocked expression on her face at the woman, aslike if she wanted her to deny what Helen just said. (same paragraph) Usually, Claymores were girls females whose families had been exterminated by Yoma; Clare was the first and only child to knock at the Organization’s door.(space needed)
But this: a mother who had sold her own daughter,knowing what they would do to her;it was unforgivable!

Helen released herself from her friend’s hands and walked away, passing by her mother without even looking at her.

“I’m going to the woods for awhile.” Helen spoke with her back turned to Deneve. “You can stay in here if you want, after all, its night already.”

“Wait, Helen…”

Deneve raised her hand, trying to stop Helen but it was no use. Her friend had already left, running faster than Miria’s Phantoms. (same paragraph) Deneve sighed and got ready to pursue her. However, she stopped when she looked to the elder woman.(space needed)
She had collapsed on the ground, trembling and with tears running from her eyes; her concerns for Helen momentarily disappearing, Deneve knelled and placed her hand on the woman’s shoulder.

“Oi, are you all right?”(space needed)
The woman nodded; there were no words to express the pain that she was felling so she didn’t even try. (elaborate on this sentence, or else it confuses the reader)
(space needed) Deneve passed (wrong choice of word) one of her arms above her neck and helped Helen’s mother to get up. The silver-eyed woman noticed that she (say 'the woman' or else the reader doesn't know if you're talking about Denever or Helen's mom) was wearing very poor clothes.

“Thank you,” she said while cleaning wiping her tears away. “Are you my daughter’s friend?”

Deneve hesitated a little before answering; she too felt some rage towards that woman because of what Helen had accused her of doing. “Yes, I’m called Deneve.”

“It’s a long story. I guess it suffices sufficient to say that we are not with the Organization anymore.” Deneve grumbled.

Helena smiled when she heard that she noticed by Deneve’s tone of voice that she was also angry at her. (why would she smile if Denever is obviously mad at her? O_O)

“I’m glad to hear that,” she said, “I understand that you are probably also mad with me right now, but please, help to my house (that doesn't make sense...) and I will explain everything to you.”

Helen (you mean Deneve?) nodded and, ignoring the eyes of the peoples on the streets, she followed Helena’s directions (? I thought Helena was leading the way...) and soon, they reached a house made of wood. Deneve thought it was strange that because every other house was made of stone but she released Helena when she Helena assured that she could walk without help and entered the house.

Deneve inspectioned the house where she had just entered. Definitively, it’s didn’t look like the house of a woman who had sold her daughter to the Organization for a river of gold. (The whole sentence is not grammatically correct...)

Even dirtier than its owner, the house was probably one of the poorest in the town.(The whole sentence is not grammatically correct.) The walls, whowhich were once whites, were now painted (painted? wrong choice of words...) in brown, the floor had some holes from where rats could hide and the ceiling certainly allowed water to pass in on rainy days.

“Poor woman.” (you should write this as part of Deneve's thoughts instead of her actually saying it.)

Helena told Deneve to sit, indicating one of the chairs that were near an almost broken table; the silver eyed woman feared that the weight of her Claymores would be too much for the chairs to support, so she placed them on the floor before she sat.(space needed)
Helena disappeared in another room and appeared with some bread, a knife and a jar of wine.

“Please eat and drink, Deneve. It’s not much but it’s what the good people of this town can give to me,” Helena said, while cutting a slice of the bread.

Deneve nodded and accepted the slice “It’s more than enough. We don’t have to eat much.”

Surprisingly, the bread tasted really good and, as soon as she started eating, Deneve noticed how truly hungry she was and it didn’t took long before she was already asking for another slice. (run-on, and grammatically incorrect) While eating, Deneve noticed that there was also a fireplace in the house and above the fireplace, there something that looked like it was the most valuable object of that house. (run-on)

It was a painting.Or better yet, a masterpiece.

The painting was certainly painted by a master because it was extremely realistic, it was like if someone had captured the image of the man and simply placed it on the paper.

It was certainly worth a fortune.

But that wasn’t what amazed Deneve; she was amazed because the man that was on the painting looked like the male version of Helen. The hair, the features, everything except for two signals (elaborate) that the man had above his right eye, everything was similar to Helen.

“Look (?), who is the man in that painting?” asked Deneve staring at it

“As you might have already guessed, that’s Helen’s father,” Helena answered, looking at the painting, “I never got to know his name; the only thing I know is that he was the leader of a group of bandits.”

Helena looked down, her eyes shining with tears. Deneve felt compassioned (not a word, and the wrong word) for her.

“When I was only 17 years old, he and his band attacked the village I lived in. I was taken prisoner and Helen’s father took me for himself. I was repeatedly raped and after a year of traveling with them, I got pregnant.”

“While I was pregnant, the group attacked another village but this one was well defended and the two bandits who watched over me were forced to go into battle. I seized the opportunity, stole some gold and this painting and escaped. By some miracle, I was able to reach this village alive and Helen was born soon after.”

Seeing that Helena was almost crying because of those memories, Deneve felt sorry for her but, as usual, her face remained calm. (grammatically incorrect) “Then, how did Helen end up with the Organization?”

Helena cleaned her eyes before answering. “When Helen was seven, a man from the Organization named Ermita came. He said that my daughter was special and that the Organization needed her.”

“And you simply gave up Helen just like that?” Deneve said, snapping her fingers.

“I didn’t want to but…”

(insert a line divider here)

20 years ago (this thing is kinda lame xD)

“How can you say that?” screamed a shocked Helena when she heard Ermita’s words “What right does the Organization have to take a daughter away from her mother>”

“As I’ve explained before…” answered Ermita, still sitting on his chair, extremely calm (grammtically incorrect), “…Helen is special. She is one of the Four and the Organization needs her.”

“No! No! A thousand times no (the wording here is...iffy),” yelled Helen’s mother again and opened the door that lead to the street, “Now, please leave.”

Ermita nodded and headed for the door, however, before he left the house, he spoke again. “As you wish. Just remember, don’t expect the Organization to answer to requests from help coming from this town and let me say, the Yoma have the bad habit to find out which towns aren’t protected by us.”

Ermita turned his back to Helena and left the house. He was stopped by the woman’s voice. “Wait!”

Helena couldn’t see but Ermita was smiling under his robes… (his robes don't cover his face...)

“One of the Four? What does that means?” asked Deneve but Helena was once again staring at the painting.

“Don’t know. He didn't elaborated on it.”

“If you hated him that much, why did you keep the painting instead of selling him?” asked Deneve.

“Because, as you can see, Helen really looks like her father and the painting it the only thing I have to remember her.”

Deneve saw the pain on Helena’s eyes and she decided that she had to explain the situation better to Helen. “Do you know what happened to him?”

Helena raised her shoulders “I’ve heard that he was killed while attacking a town. Killed by a Claymore.”

* *

Later in that night

The Two men were as drunk as they could get.

Swerving as they walked, they had to old each others arms in order to not fall. (grammatically incorrect) Walking down the streets, they sang badmouthed songs (huh??) while trying to decide if they should go back to their houses or simply return to the bar to get more alcohol. (grammatically incorrect) One of them looked to the entrance of the town and he saw someone that he had never seen before on his life.

It was a tall man who had short blond hair and was dressed on dark clothes. He also had a scar on his forehead.

Thelmus had arrived.

Casualties were now unavoidable.

You made the same mistakes as you did last chapter .

Can I ask you one thing: is English your native language? If it isn't, I'll forgive you slightly .

You should try to run your story through a spell checker and check on the grammar before posting it anywhere. I really wanted to review on the conceptual side of your story, but my spelling+grammer nazi side is too mad from editing .

I agree with Hari, but on the other hand, astonishingly, sometimes spell-check doesn't help. It helps generally for elementary spelling errors, but sometimes the dictionary doesn't have words that actually exist, but are more intricate or subtle than most.

I agree with Hari, but on the other hand, astonishingly, sometimes spell-check doesn't help. It helps generally for elementary spelling errors, but sometimes the dictionary doesn't have words that actually exist, but are more intricate or subtle than most.

There's some improvement. No issues with characterization or your choice of telling the narrative. Although perhaps your style is a bit predictable: for 3 straight times in a row, Teresa will articulate her thoughts after a paragraph of free description.

To say anything other than what I've said before is being unnecessarily picky about a well-constructed piece of work.

2. Hell - Chapter 20

Spoiler for Review:

Some fanservice here: Helen & Deneve "experimenting" with one another is an quite a bare image, that leaves too much to the imagination

And like it how Clare, Deneve & Helen take down 4 cops. I thought that particular confrontation, while not a fight scene, could've been extended a bit, since there was some expectation for the end of the chapter

3. MisterJB - Chapters 2-3

Spoiler for Review:

I'm really not sure where you're going with Darkhenus & his father, and then Helen & her mother, but I trust you'll help us see the links soon. Because while the story is itself O.K, I feel that you're running round & round with the plot, & the key element.

Chapter 2 seems a bit - random? But I think it is still significant because now we know what's Darkhenus' relation to his plans on the continent & the mainland. He appears to be a kind of ultimate evil figure whose intentions can swing either way.

Chapter 3 is unusual because of the connection with canon: it's brilliant that you suggest Teresa killed Helen's father, but there're are simply too many issues with time & situation for that to be logical. But leaving logic aside, you manage to hype up the chapter again with that cliffhanger at the end.

Both chapters, talking about parents, are good contrasts to each other.

hell88: Thanks for the ideas. I will leave in here what I had though about Helen's birth and stuff

In my opinion, Helen is 2 years older than Clare so now, Helen is IMO 27 while Clare is 25.
So the town from which Helena was able to escape was defended by human soldiers, at that time she was on the beginnig of the pregnancy. She escaped and went to the South and 9 months later Helen is born. This all hapened 2 years before Clare was born.

Seven years after this, Teresa meets Clare and Helen is taken by Ermita, so when Helen's father died she was already training with the Organization.
Some time after that, Teresa kills Helen's father and is later killed by Priscilla.
But please don't think that this was all random, after all, Ermita is Darkhenus's spy and he was the one to pick Helen. Let's just say that Darkhenus also had his word to say in all of this. I hope this cleared some doubts.

Hari Michiru: Thanks for the editing and very sorry. It must have been painful for you. This is a problem I have when there is a lot of talk in the chapters, next one has little dialogue so it should have less errors. You pointed some very good points there but Ermita's robes actually covers his face, just look at Ancient Soul's sig.
Look, I'm a completely noob with pcs, spell checker is some program I can download or something like that?

shelter: Thanks for the review. Please forgive me for playing with the plot, I'm not in a hurry to finish this fic but after this arc of the three separate battles, thing should be going forward with the next arc that it will be called "The End of the Deal"
I'm glad you liked the cliffhanger.
I hope that my explanation in the beggining of this post helped to bring some logic to the whole Helen's father thing

There's some improvement. No issues with characterization or your choice of telling the narrative. Although perhaps your style is a bit predictable: for 3 straight times in a row, Teresa will articulate her thoughts after a paragraph of free description.

To say anything other than what I've said before is being unnecessarily picky about a well-constructed piece of work.

Oh-my-god. *smacks self* Now that I re-read it, I see what you mean. I cannnot get it past me now. Time to do seppuku.

Joking, joking. Thanks for the criticism though; I really appreciate it .

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisterJB

Hari Michiru: Thanks for the editing and very sorry. It must have been painful for you. This is a problem I have when there is a lot of talk in the chapters, next one has little dialogue so it should have less errors. You pointed some very good points there but Ermita's robes actually covers his face, just look at Ancient Soul's sig.
Look, I'm a completely noob with pcs, spell checker is some program I can download or something like that?

If you're using Microsoft Word, it should spellcheck and check your grammar (although just basic grammar) for you. It won't help if you confuse things like they're/their/there though. If you're using a Mac, I'm pretty sure w/e Mac users use spell check too. I don't know if you can download a good word processor for free though, although, if you're using Firefox, you can make it spell check for you (hardly to never works properly for me anymore, but it used to).

Ignore the Grammar/Spelling nazi when she's having a little spazz attack .

Here is next chapter. I was really anxious for this one and for the next
I hope you enjoy it

Spoiler for chapter 4:

Chapter 4:
The One who brings the Pain

Thelmus had always been Darkhenus’s most trusted servant and there was a good reason for that.

He was powerful and ruthless.

Being the first warrior to enter the battlefield and the last one to retreat, he was respected and feared in the Mainland for his ferocity in battle. Few were those who could fight him toe-to-toe and, unfortunately, none of them was at that town.

Wearing his dark battle outfit, Thelmus looked with disgust to the houses of the town. Such fragile buildings that he could break with only one move.

In his heart, Thelmus didn’t hate humans. After all, he was once a human before he was chosen to become the first Dragon and he knew how powerless they felt.
To him, humans were food and nothing more; although some female humans could provide some hours of fun before being turned into food.

Walking down the main street, his evil black eyes watched the whole village, looking for the slightest hint that could lead him to those girls with blond hair and silver eyes…

“Damn, Inez! I hope you didn’t make come here to lose my time! I can’t feel their Yoki anywhere.

“Maybe I should turn into my Dragon-form. That would make them appear.”

He was about to do just that when he noticed the two drunk men who were staring at him. Trying to avoid drastic measures, he walked confidently towards them.
The look he gave would surely scare those men to death if it wasn’t for all the alcohol that they had on their blood.

“Answer me, did two blond girls come to this town in the last few days?” he ordered.

The two men looked to each other, unsure of what to answer until one of them giggled and looked back at Thelmus.

“Yes, we saw those girls.” he answered “They are right now in my bedroom if you want them.”

The man and his friend burst in laughter, pointing to Thelmus and giving each other encouraging slaps on the back.
Unfortunately for them, they were interrupted when Thelmus clenched their heads with a superhuman strength.

“Who in the Nine Hells do you think you are to talk to me that way?” he roared.

One move and the men’s head had been bashed together, splattering blood, broken bones and brains all over the place. Thelmus was licking the blood that was left on his fingers when someone screamed.
It was a girl that had witnessed everything.

She tried to run but in one second, Thelmus was standing still and in the other he was already in front of her; his hand met her neck and she was pulled from the ground like if she wasn’t heavier than a plume.

“So, have you seen any blond girls lately?” he asked, all of his anger had been forgotten and he had now a sadistic smile on his face.

“Y-yes.” answered the girl, her voice diminished due to the hand that was choking her throat “O-one of them…is in…the wooden house…p-please…”

“Oh, you don’t have to say please.” Thelmus said “I do this with all the pleasure.”

Dark canines broke through flesh, veins, bone and finally brains when Thelmus ripped off half of the girl’s face with his teeth. Blood poured from his mouth as the man enjoyed the meat in a gruesome cannibalistic spectacle.

“Hmmm, a little salty.” he said after he had swallowed everything.

Stretching his fingers, Thelmus destroyed the walls of the nearest houses revealing those who lived in there; he moved his fingers like a puppet master would and decapitated everyone that was at his reach.
People screamed, exiting their own houses to see what was happening and that would be a fatal mistake because the Dragon-kin launched his appendices on their direction, ready to claim more victims.

However, the fingers never hit their targets because of the blond warrior who appeared out of the air and sliced them.
Thelmus smiled when he saw who she was. His blood was boiling in anticipation.

One of his preys had appeared.

“Hello Deneve.” he said, licking his lips “I was looking for you.”

Deneve unsheathed her second claymore, readying them for their fatal dance.
A golden fire burned in her eyes.

* *

Helen’s arm shot like a whip and her claymore brought down several trees around her.
Screaming in uncontained rage, the silver eyed woman slashed at every tree like if they were her worst enemies.

She hated that town! She hated those stupid people, she hated that salty air and above everything else, she hated her mother!
The same mother that had sold her to an organization that would cut her body and mix her flesh with the flesh of a demon.
It was stupid to come back there.

Why did she want to come back after all?

It was just another stupid idea in her already long list of stupid ideas.

Or did she have another reason to come return to her birthplace?

Maybe to see her mother once again…

“NO! I…HATE…HER!”

Helen jumped and, while on air, she twisted her arm and descended, breaking the ground with a devastating Drill-sword.

Helen jumped out of the small crater that had been created and looked at the starry sky, the same sky that she had watched so many times during her childhood when she could run in the beach during hours, enjoy the waves of the sea and eat apples on the woods, all of this with her mo…

Helen shook his head to dismiss those memories “It’s decided. Tomorrow early, I will return to Rabona to never come back. Helena can rot in Hell as far as I’m concerned.”

Helen stretched herself and was already picking the best spot to sleep when she felt like her head was going to explode.

The Yoki…was gigantic…monstrous...

It had appeared so suddenly that nothing could prepare Helen to that abrupt feeling. She turned in the direction of the town.
There was something there, something that was fighting Deneve.

“Isn’t this the Yoki of that guy, that Thelmus?”

All of her anger forgotten, Helen rushed to the town to help her friend when her right leg failed and she fell hard on the ground.

There was yet another gigantic Yoki coming in their direction.

“What the hell his happening around here?” she though, standing up and continuing to run. Begging for her legs to not fail her.

Deneve needed her and she wouldn’t let another friend die.

Not after Pieta!

* *

Deneve stared sadly at the dead bodies that were everywhere. Most of them were unrecognisable du to their gruesome deaths.

“Helena, please take the people to safety.” she said, looking to nothing but Thelmus. “This might be a devastating battle.”

Helen nodded “Please be careful.”

“I remember you. Jullianna’s Lord, Thelmus, right?” Deneve said as soon as she saw that the people were far away. “This time you are alone.”

“Indeed I am.” he said, ignoring anything but Deneve. “My master has decided that it’s time for you to play your role on his plans.”

“Who is this master that you talk about? Who do you serve?”

Thelmus waved his fist forward and clenched it “I serve only the High Lord of Darkness, Darkhenus himself. You will meet him very soon, don’t worry. Where is Helen?”

“I do not tell lies.” Deneve answered. “I guess we don’t have anything more to talk about. I will strike you down and avenge every life that you’ve taken.”

“That is impossible for you.” Thelmus unsheathed his claymore and pointed its edge towards Deneve. “I took this claymore from a number 3 I killed. Allow me to make you feel the taste of your own weapon for the first time.”

Deneve assumed a defensive stance with her twin claymores crossed and her right foot in front of the left. Thelmus raised his own weapon in the diagonal.

“You know?” he said. “I was told to bring you unharmed but this is so much more fun.”

With these words, Thelmus disappeared and appeared behind Deneve. She raised her claymores to parry the first downwards slash and stepped aside to avoid the second. The man slashed downwards again and the woman blocked his strike with her crossed claymores. Deneve blocked one strike…two…three…four…five…
Thelmus’s strength was impossible and Deneve knew that she couldn’t hold own for much longer so she stepped aside and let Thelmus’s claymore pass by her.
He lost his balance but was able to recover it in the middle of the movement and slashed to his right side, aiming for Deneve’s stomach. She defended herself with her left claymore and with the right she attacked her nemesis. Thelmus dodged it but Deneve didn’t give up and she persisted with her strikes; Thelmus danced between those twins claymores, avoiding every cut. He slashed upwards in the diagonal but Deneve jumped back.

“Just give up. You can’t beat me.” he yelled while pursuing her.

Deneve attacked with her twin claymores but Thelmus swung his own and pushed them aside; he tried to stab her and Deneve twisted her waist to avoid the attack; she saw that she was with her right shoulder turned to Thelmus so she attacked with her right claymore.
Thelmus kneeled and tried to chop off Deneve’s legs; she jumped and stabbed at him from above; the man rolled aside and got up at the same time that Deneve started attacking again.
Thelmus raised his weapon to block a strike that came in the direction of his head and had to twist his wrists to bring it down to block the other claymore. Deneve slashed upwards, Thelmus let them slide on the flap side of his claymore and pointed with the edge of his weapon to Deneve; she thought that he was going to stab her but, in the middle of the movement, he twisted his wrist and turned the attack into a diagonal strike that was coming from above; the woman crossed her claymores and blocked the strike.

The two warriors were now tied in a match of strengths; Deneve sent a burst of Yoki through her muscles, the veins on her arms becoming very salient and her face started to mutate a little. She was pushing with all the strength she had.
However, Thelmus was even smiling; if he was making any effort at all, he wasn’t showing it.
Deneve sent another burst of Yoki and Thelmus was pushed back some centimetres but even after, the Dragon-Kin just kept on smiling.

“C’mon. Just Awaken, already.”

However, Deneve acted differently; she twisted her claymores, pushing Thelmus’s blade aside and kicked him right between his legs. Even he was vulnerable to that kind of attack.

“Holy…shit…” he said with a very weak voice.

Deneve slashed downwards with both claymores but Thelmus stepped aside and kicked her in the stomach, sending her flying away before Thelmus was brought down on one knee by the pain.

Deneve rose from the ruins of the house where she had landed and seized that opportunity to rest a little.
Thelmus was undoubtedly stronger and faster. He also knew very well how to use a claymore.

That could become very dangerous if the fight lasted much longer.

Fortunately for Deneve, it was at that moment that Helen arrived.
The apple loving former-claymore ran to the side of her friend.

“You took you time didn’t you, Helen?” said Deneve.

“Sorry about it.” Helen excused herself. “I come as soon as I felt his Yoki.”

Helen looked at Thelmus and she saw that he still had on knee on the ground. “What did you dot to him?”

“I kicked him where it hurts them most.” Deneve answered.

“You…kicked him?” even in that dangerous situation, Helen could not avoid laughing. I guess you found out his weak point.”

A fragile smile appeared on Deneve’s face but it dissipated when the rocks around them started moving like if they had their own will.
The duo looked at Thelmus and their hearts almost stopped.

The Dragon-kin was staring at them with a deadly look; waves of a red Yoki were swirling around his body. Helen felt those menacing black eyes penetrating her again, reading her soul like an open book.

“I go easy on them and this is how they repay me…” roared Thelmus; his dark canines were very visible. “I will make you pay!”
Even Helen and Deneve were crushed by Thelmus’s Yoki. He was clearly furious.
The duo raised their claymores, readying themselves for the collision.

But the collision didn’t come because Thelmus had to jump aside to avoid the dark projectiles that were sent against him.

Helen and Deneve stared speechless at the one that had sent those projectiles.

It was a gigantic dark centaur whose left hand had the form of a bow.

“Thelmus!” roared Isley “Let’s finish what we started 100 years ago!

Thelmus looked closely at the Awakened Being and his eyes opened with amazement; he had acknowledged him by who he was “I remember you. You were the one that gave me this, all those years ago.” he said, pointing to the scar on his forehead.

Isley sent another wave of arrows against Thelmus. The Dragon-kin jumped aside and landed on all four members.

“I guess I will have to fight seriously this time.”

The waves of Yoki that were swirling around Thelmus’s body turned into a red pillar that rose into the sky as he started to mutate into his Dragon-form.

Isley turned his hands into a shield and an axe.

Once again, he would have to fight an Abyssal-level fighter.

Next chapter Evil vs Evil: Isley vs Thelmus. Place your bets now

Seriously, place your bets. I have no idea how that figth should end. Your suggestions migth affect the plot