Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!

This apparently simple formula, conclusively proving the
existence of cheese, is the result of many years of arduous research carried out by Dr
Joseph Nuts at Montpellier University.

Cheese has been in common usage since the bronze
age, as both a construction material and as an industrial lubricant. However, until now
its existence has never been scientifically proven, although Sir Isaac Newton did claim to
have determined the atomic weight of Stilton as early as 1638 - some four years before he
was actually born.

This latest discovery has finally put an end to all the speculation,
demonstrating that cheese has an objective reality, and is not some weird Satanist
conspiracy dreamt up by Freemasons, as was previously claimed by some high-ranking members
of the Catholic Church.

"University Administrators often
questioned his regular requests for more alcohol and party snacks"

Speedy Cheese

Professor Sally Walters of the Chicago Institute of Advanced Bullshit has recently reinterpreted
Einstein's Special Theory of Relativity in light of Cheese Theory. If E is Energy, M is Mass and C is a nice
Roquefort or possibly Danish Blue, it can be seen that cheese is capable of travelling faster than the speed
of light.

Boffins plan to test this hypothesis next month by placing a small piece of cheddar in the
Heiselburg High Speed Particle Accelerator at Hamburg. The cheddar will be broken down into its
component atoms, which will then be accelerated to their top speed and timed by a man called Billy, who
is very quick with a stop watch.

This could be the first step to harnessing the phenomenal store of energy that is locked away within the
cheese molecule - energy which could propel a spaceship to the furthest stars and open up a whole new area
of intergalactic cookery. In fact, engineers are so confident that cheese will be the powerhouse of the future
that they have already begun preliminary test runs with specially designed high velocity crackers in an
underground bunker, deep in the Nevada desert.

This momentous breakthrough is seen as a welcome vindication
of Dr Nuts's work, which has been heavily criticised of late.

Dr Nuts first began his
research in the late seventies and has continued to devote all his time and energy to the
project, interrupted only by a short spell in California State Penitentiary.

The Dr and
his team of young (mostly female) researchers would often work late into the night. The
sounds of giggling and merriment to be heard coming from his laboratory in the early hours
of the morning only served to demonstrate Dr Nuts's determination to keep up the morale of
his staff, and although the University Administrators often questioned his regular
requests for more alcohol and party snacks, their faith in him has finally been borne out.

The chances of us ever truly understanding Primula are remote

Nevertheless, this discovery in no way marks the end of
cheese research, as Dr Nuts himself is keen to point out.

"There is still a great
deal of work to be done, so no need to go cancelling my research grant just yet!" he
joked nervously as he nibbled on a Twiglet. "My formula only describes basic hard
cheeses such as Cheddar or Edam. We have yet to come up with a workable theory to explain
soft cheeses like Brie or Camembert. And the chances of us ever truly understanding
Primula are very remote indeed - I certainly don't think it will happen in our
lifetimes."

The discovery of cheese looks set to herald a new age of
Cheese-Mechanics - the Japanese have already built the world's first car designed to run
on Parmesan, whilst in Europe an exciting project is already underway to build a box
girder bridge over the Rhine, using a variety of mainly hard cheeses from the south of
France.

A giant leap for cheese-kind

Meanwhile, NASA have recently launched a Gorgonzola into low altitude orbit. Quite
why they have done this is yet to be explained, but it does at least represent a small
step for satellite technology, if not a giant leap for cheese-kind.

The inevitable side effect of this increased interest in
cheese has been a huge hike in its market value, with Wensleydale in particular having
doubled in value since the announcement.

In the UK, security has been
tightened up at the National Cheese Reserves in Luton, following a tip-off that it was
being targeted by a gang of international Red Leicester thieves.

In fact, so great is the
demand for cheese that Mozzarella is currently changing hands on the black market for over
£400 an ounce.

'Yellow Gold'

But not everyone has welcomed the new cheese
theory, particularly in the many small cheese-mining communities of South Wales, which
depend on the so called 'Yellow Gold' for their existence. At present, cheese can only be
made by brainy people using very complicated laboratory equipment, but it will not be long
before a simple and cost-effective industrial cheese-making process is developed. They
fear that this breakthrough will pave the way for the artificial synthesis of cheese, and
strip them of their livelihoods.

Reassurance has come from Dr Nuts himself, who
claims that scientists are presently only able to synthesise a low-grade industrial cheese
and that demand for naturally occurring cheese forms will remain unchanged.

"The technology for cheese welding is still in its infancy."

Furthermore,
he points out that the technology for cheese welding is still in its infancy and that as a
result it would be impossible to artificially create some of the fantastic cheese
structures that are found to occur in nature.

Currently, Dr Nuts is being hotly tipped to
receive the Nobel Prize for his work, and even though the full implications of his theory
are still not entirely understood, it is widely believed that his discovery is possibly
the single most important scientific breakthrough since Winston Screwball discovered
Marmite in 1926.