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One of my favorite movies of all time. "Man, I've been working with you for three months and you haven't hit the pipe yet!"

I’m bordering on something illegal here. So, here goes.

While at university I had a job. It was a job that put me in a position with little real power and created a great deal of enmity between the frosh and I. This position was a funny one (Like “The Ballpark”). It also gave me the ability to be a conduit between the university’s staff and the students when it came to “wellness” and fucked up shit they were doing. This meant I was pretty much a glorified hall monitor, or whatever. Anyway, an event occurred one afternoon, that I will not discuss the facts of, that saw one student get expelled from the university.

This isn’t the story.

I, apparently, dun goofed really bad with the kids. Everyone probably thought I was the last person to get someone sent home. I was a rather “chill” (to use an Austinite adjective) RA. I didn’t mess with anyone as long as they kept quiet and all the liquor to themselves.

I just happened to walk into this one (LITERALLY), and for the next few months I heard some of the most hilarious rumors about the incident. My favorite rumor was one which had me playing a Laurence Fishburne-esque role in the movie Deep Cover (the most G’d out movie you’ll ever see).

[Sitting around a dorm room. Some dudes. Smoking a bowl. Obviously, I’m one of the dudes]

Dude #1: Wow, dude, this is some bomb shit. I love getting high with my RA in the dorms. That sounds like something someone smart and with half a brain would do.

Dago: You’re right. This is some bomb shit. It’s so off da heezy that I’m fucking turning you in. You’ve smoked out your last RA, Dude #1!

[End scene.]

Obviously, this isn’t what happened at all. First of all, it’s uncouth to do that. You don’t just take something from someone and then turn them in to the authorities. I don’t smoke weed at all, but even I know that’s not cool. Secondly, why the FUCK would I have done that in a dorm? Thirdly, I have a huge pair in this story.

What did I do to deserve so much credit? I mean, I’m just hitting some sweet sheeb with some chilled out broz and the next minute I’m pinning some dude to the wall grinding him about his cartel connections. I don’t know about you guys, but if it was pre-meditated, that WAS some Deep Cover shit. This rumor was so convincing that my director even asked me if it was true or not. What, did he think Dude #1 fucking short changed me or something? This was my revenge?

Your lilly-white azz short-changed me for the last time, muther fucker! Yeah, I know I used a lot of hyphenated words in that sentence, bitach! It’s cause I’m a hyphenated American! YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?! [smack]

Anyway, I think I need to find that place again. I need to find that place where people both fear and revere me. It must be what God feels like.

Luckily, it didn’t end up 187 on an undercover cop.

-dagestan

PS: Hey, y’all, I have this girlfriend named Ellen, and she’s going door to door selling computer systems or something. Anyway. Can you guys help her out?