Well, major eek, like when you ask someone if they are pregnant and actually they are just big – sort of THAT? As in, the number of people Dave has offended since Mr Cobber went listen mate, the polls are saying 10 top chavs in place by Monday or trust Lynton, you are royally fucked? I mean, I get how hurt Victoria Beckham was, but Dave is right, Harlow + hair extensions + a footballer = ticks all the boxes?

So Craig Oliver said, chavwise, a flat cap says everything, but Pippa Middleton just hung up? So Anna Soubry was like, trust me, repulsive obesity never lies, oh, no offence #awkward. So Dave asked Fellowes over, as in GIMLET eye for kulaks, & Julian said just mention golf, eg, Lady Kitchen of Khartoumland might say, "we have just come from heavenly St Andrew's, do you play at all?", & anyone who does not say gorl', rhymes with shawl, is a Northerner, I'm like Julian are you SURE #neverforgetLadyMary'sbrazilian.

Well Mummy said, just be alert for toilet, I'm like, excuse me Tracey Emin says toilet, well obvs, but Alexa CHUNG says toilet, probably Anna Wintour would say toilet if she thought it was a thing? Mummy's like, fine, serviette, is not serviette how you found dear Pickles – they do "do" napkins north of Scunthorpe? Dave was like, well, I guess if there was a surefire sign of working classness science would have found it by now, I'm like *lightbulb* it HAS, as in, "does not own a wood burning stove"? Dave is like genius, Craig, who do we we know who does not own a wood burning stove, Craig's like, Andy Coulson?

So it is actually quite embarrassing because Oik comes up with this entire LIST? Dave is like God, Matthew Hancock a chav, who knew, Oik goes, exactly, Exeter College, he keeps it very quiet. I'm like, OMG, how did we not know that Amber Rudd keeps pigeons, Oik goes, well please do not mention it, the same with Greg Hands, VERY sensitive about his pig, as you'd imagine. Dave's like, totes understand, Oik old man, you must feel the same way about St Paul's, no don't apologise, if there is one thing Lynton insists on, it is celebrating difference :)