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Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The all-nighter

Tonight, Brandi and I do not sleep. Instead, as Brandi reads 'Matilda' (her favorite book) to our sleeping Scarlett Grace, I think a thousand thoughts.

I think about the oddness of being interested, fascinated even, in the neuroscience, theory and practice, the icky and not icky medical details, memorizing the jargon, memorizing the names and faces of the doctors. I realize that Brandi and I, in a very short period of time, have met some of smartest people in medical science. The Heads of world famous neurosurgery, oncology, endocrinology. I wish I could have learned more. A part of my head is just interested, completely detached from what we're dealing with.

I think about our window view. It's like this: Directly below us - a flat ugly roof and industrial vents - the hospital's continuation. For those that live through disasters or tragedies, it is so easy to see the ugliness of what is happening. Then beyond that, highway 24, it's cracked pavement wrapping around us and then speeding off in the direction of Walnut Creek. This is the vantage of the rescuers, the heroes, the medical workers, I imagine the Red Cross, the doctors without borders...Then, apartments and houses that pepper the Oakland and Berkeley hills are visible, sparser and sparser as I look upwards. For this view I assign the onlookers, the media images, the distance of those that put the event into horizon and perspective. Finally, beyond the highest houses, The Fog. It partially obscures more hills in the receding background, beautifully idealizing them into mere concept, the "hill-ness" of hill, and for this I assign the notion of tragedy itself. Platonic, Picturesque, beautiful if sad. The "meaning" of tragedy is here. I wonder which vantage point is more accurate, more meaningful.

I think about what waiting for 16 hours will feel like.

I think about Scarlett's face. I've been trying to memorize her features, her little expressions she makes, the color of her skin, the way she smells, the feel of her skin on my lips.

I'm not at all sleepy, but I am tired, because clearly I'm rambling...

89 comments:

I do not know you, nor you me. I've read your story thru the BBC site. I just wanted to drop a quick note to let you know I'm praying for you all... scarlett, mom, dad, the drs and all the rest of your family and friends. Stay strong and stick close together. Good luck Wednesday, its all in God's hands.**Sheila

I had read about your story, but didn't know what it was about until today that I got across the web address for your blog. I'm really sorry for what baby Scarlet is going through, but hang in there, verything will go back to normal soon, and you will be enjoing a happy baby in no time. I'm amazed by your strength, and integrity, keep it up!!! God will agree to your proposal so that you can make peace with him. i have cried with all of your posts (read them alL!!!) and I cannot imagine the pain that you both are going through, but don't worry, hang in there, this too shall pass. GL and keep us posted on her progress. A lot of kisses for baby Scarlet and GL. Diana

I pray for renewed strength to get you through the next 24 hours. I'm praying and pulling for your little precious Scarlett. I pray the Lord will guide the surgeon's hands and decisions and that everything would go smoothly. I'm so sorry you even have to go through this. Give our love to precious Scarlett. Like the previous poster said, this too shall pass. God bless your family.

My family & I will be thinking of yours today. The journey you have had to take is incredible & I hope with every bone in my body that you make it out of this. Scarlett is beautiful, & as others have said, words cannot even begin to describe the sorrow I feel for you even as a stranger. To experience this must mean something amazing for you in the future. I will hope & prayer for that today.

I am from Nov 2010 on BBC and have been following your story... I don't have many words just that I am praying harder than I have ever prayed for anything that God will guide the surgeon's hands, that Scarlett stays strong, and for peace and comfort for her Mommy and Daddy. I have lost a baby and my heart truly goes out to you and little Scarlett. ~Hugs and fervent prayers from Oregon~

ive been thru a brain surgery before with my father, completely different then a child i know, but i semi relate!!! 18 long hours in a sterile, never ending hospital waiting for someone to come out and hoping that 18hrs is do-able for the surgeon to keep his hands steady!! IT IS POSSIBLE!! and miracles do happen and God will guide your babys path into a beautiful, healthy, loving, long life!!! i pray for Scarlett, Brandi, Chris and all of her surgeons and medical team who will bring this little baby out of this terrible chapter of her little life!!

I do not know you, but you two seem like the stongest mom and dad, your little butterfly is one day younger than my little guy and can't imagine how you are coping with this. I am praying for Scarlett that she comes through surgery and will live a long and healthy life.

I wanna follow suit on praying for the doctors ... You men and woman have alot on your shoulders right now. A daunting task of literally putting the life of this precious butterfly in your hands ... You are in my thoughts that your hands are steady and minds are clear. Brandi and Chris .. you are BEYOND courageous in how you look and deal with all you are going through. In the face on the unknown .. with your hands tied... your mind weary but your faith is STRONG!! Please know even though you are in the cold sterile hospital .. drinking possibly not so good coffee and watching the same episode of god knows what on the probably very small tv ... you are surrounded by ALOT of warm .. loving ... caring hearts out there. We are all praying for you and holding our breath with you and watching the clock with you. Patiently and axiously waiting for the next update .. holding our breath while we wait. We love you all ...

As someone who has lost a baby, I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you never have to deal with what I've dealt with and that Scarlett comes out of this alive and strong. *hugs*

Also think about beyond those boarders of Oakland, that your family has thousands praying for Baby Scarlett and the family. May God wrap you in his arms of love and peace, may Scarlett see Angels surronding her and telling her how much God, Mommy and Daddy love her. She is a precious gift, just like all of our babies are (mine was born Aug 2010) and God knows the plan they each have. I pray you get through today with support and love from many. We will all be thinking of you and Baby Scarlett and wearing red today. God Bless. Bridget Cole, Baby JoBella and Daddy

Scarlett is so lucky to have you for parents. I can't imagine how you feel. I don't know you (only have just come across your page today on BBC.) I pray for you and your amazing little miracle daughter from God. I will be praying all day long. Thank you for giving me a reality check. Maybe the things I stress out about daily aren't so important. It's sad that something like this makes us realize that.

I'm from the June 09 board on BBC. I first learned of your story there, but have since followed all postings on your blog. Just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for a miraculous outcome for baby Scarlett. I'm also praying for steady hands for the doctors and peace & comfort for both of you as you await Scarlett's return to you. I sincerely hope & pray that Scarlett comes thru surgery with flying colors.

I will (as a lot of other people will too) be anxiously awaiting any news on Scarlett's progress today. May God Bless your family!!!

Praying for you everyday. Hoping for good news. A big embracing hug to you and your family. Your beautiful daughter is strong, your her strength and were your strength even though you can not see us. You're all never far from everyone's thoughts. Praying heavy today that GOD is resting his hand on scarlets head and healing it somehow. -Christina

You have HUNDREDS of people on babycenter praying for you. I've seen so, so many people siggy's change to red in support of Scarlett. Mine will go red today. God has his hand on Scarlett, and will protect her. I'll be praying for you guys all day today....you are not alone. You have so many people in spirit right there beside you!!!

I'm thinking of your family and your beautiful butterfly all day today. I first heard about Scarlett through BBC. My family and I have been following your story and we think of you and pray for you each and every day. We're all wearing red today for Scarlett!

I also added Scarlett's name to the prayer list at my church, so she's getting extra well wishes.

8:00AM here in Texas. I've been thinking of you all since I woke up this morning. I will continue to do so for as long as it takes. I hope so much for Scarlett's strength, the doctors' skill, your comfort and the support system's love that surrounds all of you today and tonight.

Brandi, someone mentioned that you're a great writer, and you are, but Chris, wow. It is your posts that really open my eyes to the pain and fear that you all must be feeling on such a primal level. I am a stranger and I weep for you. May God give you comfort.

We have you in our thoughts and prayers today!! We have a daughter that is one day older than Scarlett and this has really hit close to home for us, i could even imagine what you are going through.... Please know that you are very strong!! good luck today!The Taylor Family - Akron Ohio

I will be praying for you today, I can't imagine going through what you are all facing, but you are facing it with such strength and hope. Good luck today, I'm sure with all the thoughts and prayers going your way that everything will be fine. God Bless you all.

We first heard of your story through BBC and have been following and praying for little Scarlett ever since. May God's love surround you all today and give you the strength of the world. The Weag Family

Through BBC as well. Thinking of you all. I hope that you can turn to your wife for comfort during these hours. That you both realize you have each other and you both are there for Scarlett. I can't understand, but I hope you all know we're thinking of you. I hope you get many more smiles soon and all goes well today.

I heard about your story on the bump from the "pray for Scarlett" on some posters signature. I have read all of your posts and am hoping and praying for your little girl today. I hope everything goes well and that your precious baby can come home soon and live a long wonderful life. Miracles happen everyday and I pray it does for your family. You both are very strong but lean on your family today and know there are many of us out here praying along with you. Many hugs for you all. The Silva Family- Peabody, MA

the total view is your vantage point Mr. Wecks. Look at the total earth, see all of the things that were put on it, that weren't supposed to be there. The earth has survived it, though 1,000 years ago people never would have believed she would. She rejuvenates herself when she must, and overcomes the burdens that were put on her that weren't supposed to be there. She lives. Look at the total view Mr. Wecks. And may your heart walk quietly into this morning, and gather strength through the hours. You are an incredible father, and your words comfort me and bring me to tears. You are all thought about often, and I give you all my strength today <3

Same here...wearing something red and have some candles burning. I had to explain to my 3 years old that those are one for a special little girl!!! You are all special and may the surgery be a success. Good Luck and may God make her well again! Keeping our fingers crossed in Wiesbaden, Germany!

I'm an October 2010 mom wearing red for you today. I can't imagine better parents for Scarlett- you are doing everything you can. Thousands of us are thinking about you all day.. and pretty much every day.

Will be checking back often today. I am hoping and praying w/all my heart for your beautiful baby girl. She is precious and as I have said before this world is definitely a better place w/her in it. Bless you all. Sincerely, Kimberly

I just recently heard of your story on BBC, I'm form the November board. I just want your family to know that I'm praying for you all & little Scarlett, who is adorable! Your story is so touching! I cannot imagine being in your shoes, and I admire your strength, courage, and love. She most likely is on her way to surgery as it is a little after 10 am here, Wisconsin. God bless and I hope with all my heart the surgery goes well & is successful!

God bless you all and the surgeons that are going to be working on Scarlett today. It is 1118am on the east coast and I'm figuring her surgery is getting ready to begin. Good luck and know there are so many people who are praying for your baby girl to come through this. My son is only 2 days younger than Scarlett and I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. You appear to be some of the strongest people out there and I only hope I could have an ounce of your courage in the same situation. Take deep breaths today and know that God is on your side.

Praying for God's protection and healing today for Scarlett. Praying that God work through the surgeons hands. Praying for peace for Brandi and Chris during this VERY difficult time. God Bless you all.

We are praying for you. It brings tears to my eyes every time I read what you are going through. I can't imagine what you are going through and I don't have the perfect words to say, just know you and Scarlett are in our thoughts and prayers.

Today I came accross this on a friends Facebook page. I took the time to read everything. While reading I have cried so much and think I am out of tears. I wish no one in the world ever had to go through any hard times. I am praying and will contniue to pray for you all! I will be thinking of baby scarlett and praying for your family! God Bless you all!

I took the time to read your entire story as well. What a beautiful, loving family little Scarlett Grace was born into. I am begging the heavens for Scarlett to remain in this world as long as possible.

Chris & Brandi, I've been praying for you all along and awoke this morning to begin a dayfull of prayer. Thank you for inviting us into your lives and giving the oportunity to know and fall in love with little Scarlett.

You are not alone in your long hours of waiting. Many, many are with you; silently cheering on Scarlett and her medical team.

I have been thinking about you all everyday but especially today! I have said numerous prayers and I know so many people have also, God is with Scarlett and has been and that is why she is such a strong fighter. You are both so strong but it's ok to break down at times. Sometimes you just need to let the pain and anger out, it will help you regroup and then come back to that place where your little butterfly needs you to be and where you have been, as strong and courageous as ever! I admire you both so much and I admire Scarlett for being so tough and strong! Hugs and prayers to all of you!

I came across your Scarlett's story through a link on facebook. I read most of your journal and can empathize with all the fears, frustrations, and the abnormality that you are all faced. My little boy battled brain and spinal cord cancer for a large portion of his life. Praying for you to find renewed sources of strength, faith and hope in miracles for your little butterfly.

I am thinking of your little girl right now through this surgery!! I pray to God that everything goes well and she'll recover quickly and start smiling like she was doing in that photo! You guys should be so proud you have such a beautiful and strong daughter! Stay strong!

This is the day that the Lord has made let us rejoice and be glad! Today will be the day that Ms. Scarlett goes from a cancer victim to a cancer survivor. We are all praying that the doctors remove every bit of that cancer and that she is deemed cancer free! God knew from the day your baby was conceived that she would fight and win this battle. She has taught so many so much about life, you have taught us so much about the unrelenting love of parents. Find peace within your heart today as you remember that God has this!

I'm a bcc mom, following your story from Alaska. Scarlett and you all are in my heart, thoughts and prayers today. If it's possible to smoosh love and caring through the internet, I'm doing it! Praying for her miracle!

sorry im a little late on commenting on this update but had to get my 4 yr old daughter off to school this am. i sent her to school wearing wear today in hopes for baby Scarlett as well as everyone in my family's wearing red today. we'll be anxiously waiting to hear an update.

God Bless you both and your precious angel baby, Scarlett. May He comfort you,cradle and rock you and wrap you tenderly in His loving arms. I have been praying non-stop for you and will continue to pray all day today and in the coming days. I read about what the doctors have filled you in on with her current state, however I also know that God can provide a miraculous turnaround and complete healing for your precious baby girl! All our prayers pray this is so after her surgery today!! I pray for the unbelievable strength you two possess in going thru this and I pray for continued strength to sustain you as you do the hardest part yet...sit... and wait. I will continue to do my part and ask God to do His. May we all rejoice with you when she comes thru this miraculous surgery and may God Bless you three immensely...you so deserve a miracle and a blessing for sure!! Mthw 19:26~ ....with God ALL things are possible! Blessings and Love <3The Resh Family- LeAnn, Mike, Michaela & Landon

I have followed through BBC July 2010 club. We are praying for Baby Scarlett today. I said a prayer for her this morning with my 5 month old daughter Madison. We are both wearing red for her today also. We are so anxious for an update, till then we will sending prayers and love for your Scarlett's miracle!

I'm here from BBC. As a mother of 3 children (one of which is only 2 months old), I can only imagine what you guys are going through. I've shed my share of tears for you guys. I just wanted you to know that I've been praying all day for your family and especially little Scarlett.

I am on the July BBC and you have all my love and prayers for baby Scarlett. Both of you are amazing parents to your precious baby girl and may God guide through today and all the days for the rest of your life. May you find strength in each other, in us, and in the love you have for your truly remarkable baby girl.

Hi, Chris, Just want to let you know you and your baby, family are in my prayer. CBNC family are praying for you as well! Thanks for taking the time to update to us through this blog so we know how to pray for baby Scarlett. May God give you all peace and encourage.

My baby was in the hospital when he was 7 weeks old for a week and it was the hardest thing I have ever been through! I am praying for your sweet baby and your family. My hope is that they are able to cure her and you have a lifetime to enjoy her and to just look at this as a distant memory in your journey!

I too am from Baby Center. My son and your daughter were born 6 days apart. I have been reading your posts everyday. I want you to know that my entire family (including my 7 year-olds and 4 year-old) have been praying for you both, Scarlett, and the rest of your family during this time. We pray that the Lord continues to strengthen you all and give you peace. Know that you are not alone and that there are many people who are praying for you daily. Love and peace to you all.

I am from the March 2010 Birth Board on BBC. I just wanted you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and with baby Scarlett. You are both incredibly wonderful parents who love their baby unconditionally. Your little girl is very lucky.

I've been praying continually today and will continue to do so. Scarlett has touched my heart and I've shed so many tears for her and for you. Praying that God will work a might miracle and that this will all be behind you soon.

I've been attempting to read your blog. I usually skim over bits and pieces. You see it's very difficult for me to read as I lost my baby on Dec 5/10 only minutes after she was born. Something that you wrote really hits home. It's when you talk about trying to memorize the way that Scarlett looks and smells. I live every day frantically holding onto the few memories that I have of my baby girl, Lylah. No parent should have to go through the heart ache of losing a child. I'm praying for you folks. You are in my thoughts.

I have been following your blog from the beginning. We were both October Mommies on the bump together. I am literally in tears right now for your family!!! You have amazing strength and courage to carry your sweet daughter through this time. Hoping for a positive update from you soon! God Bless!

Chris- What you say is so poignant, and so sad. I may not know you all that well, but what you are going through is heartbreaking. I hope to one day meet your daughter, and it is to my greatest regret that I didn't before. My heart is with you, all of you, and so is my love,Paige [at this part, imagine a bear hug from a short person like me.]

You don't know me, but I have been following your story through BBC. I also had a baby in October. What you are going though is unimaginable to me and I honestly don't know if I could gather the strength you have to help Scarlett through this journey. I pray for you every night.