15 Things Not to Say to a Single Mom

"You're not bringing the kids ... are you?"

2. "Did you consider an abortion? I would have had an abortion." This kind of statement often follows some kind of remark about how I don't look old enough to have a kid. Rarely am I asked the details surrounding my life, like whether I was/am married or not. Choosing to have a child, regardless of the circumstances, does not automatically make me a part of your hypothetical moral dilemma at this cocktail party where we just met. I only forgive you because you're drunk, but it doesn't mean we can be friends.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

3. "You're not bringing the kids ... are you?" You said it was lunch, you said it was poolside, you said there'd be babes. Now I get it; too late, we're halfway there.

4. "You should have thought of that before you had kids/ got divorced." Whatever it is I'm struggling with as a single parent (dating, divorce proceedings, getting enough sleep), I'm probably looking for you to say something supportive, not self-righteous. A lot of people say this stuff to be funny, but it's probably best to take your comedy in a different direction.

5. "My partner is gone for the weekend, so I know just what it's like." A common and well meaning sentiment. It's OK, I know what you're trying to say. I was just thinking the other day how closely connected to dragons I feel because I watch Game of Thrones.

6. "You should date a single dad!" I totally agree! He should be just like Tom Hanks in Sleepless in Seattle or Liam Neeson in Love Actually or — even better — Jude Law in The Holiday! I'll just start swiping right on that single-parent dating app we're all using.

7. "How do you do it? I would just die." You wouldn't just die. No one, in history, has just died from the day-to-day tasks of being a parent, single or not. You would rise to the challenge, just like I did, just like people do all around the world every day. Don't feel sorry for me; I love my life! OK, sometimes The Wiggles make me want to die, but it's nothing a glass of wine can't help me with after the kids are in bed.

8. "Is dating weird now that your vagina is, you know, stretched?" I wouldn't even dignify this question with an answer except that it has been asked of me more than once. First of all, please don't make assumptions about my lady parts. Second, women have been dating and getting laid for thousands of years, yes, even after they give birth, even multiple times!

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

9. "Can't you just get a babysitter?" Sometimes it's about getting a babysitter, and sometimes it's also about how late we'd be out or how much energy it's going to take or how much money the babysitting is going to cost. Ever tried to make tuna sandwich lunches while hungover?

10. "You have to take the kids to Disneyland!" Disneyland is so fun, but it is also so expensive and so far away and so overwhelming. We'll get there, I promise. You just have to trust that I know what's good for our little family and when we'll be ready for that kind of adventure (See also: getting a pony; introducing Slurpees into our diet.)

11. "Your life is really settled; I have the whole world out there, waiting for me." This is a breakup line I've heard a lot. I also have a world out there waiting for me. It's the world of parenting and being an adult individual in my own right; my journey might be more domestic, but I bet it is more fun and inspiring than yours. Adios.

12. "But did you try to make it work with your ex, at least?" This falls into the "trust me" category and the "none of your business" category. If I'm not with my ex, it is for a good reason, probably many reasons. Of course this isn't the ideal parenting arrangement that we hoped for our child, but we're doing the best we can to make it work.

13. "Do you think your kids are safe with your ex?" This is another question I hear a lot that clearly isn't thought through. If my ex is involved, then I think the kids are safe — it wouldn't just be irresponsible for me to choose otherwise, it would be illegal. A butthead ex doesn't necessarily make an unsafe parent.

14. "So you weren't using birth control, or what?" One person has admitted to me that they asked this question because they were worried that I represented some fluke in the birth control efficiency. Remembering that people ask this question out of anxiety helps me answer with kindness.

15. "It's happy hour! Kids are allowed! Come!" We joke about you being the "crazy auntie," but I don't want my child to know about Irish Sidecars just yet, and I don't actually want her memories of our friendship to smell like tequila. And besides, early evening is when I need a nap, not a cocktail! We'll get an adult night one of these days, and I'll be there with you, trust me.

A Part of Hearst Digital Media
Cosmopolitan participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites.