“Lucy! Or Sit! Or Down! Those are the things I get called the most. Also: Princess Shaggybutt.”

You have a shaggy butt.

“A shaggy butt is God’s gift to the world.”

I hope people stop saying that soon.

“What?”

Nothing.

“I have the thing. Would you like to play with me and the thing?”

Little tug-of-war action?

“No, Parcheesi: of course, tug-of war.”

Jesus, sorry.

“Dogs have two games: fetch and tug-of-war.”

You make a good point.

“I always wanted to play Dungeons & Dragons, though.”

You should try.

“I did, but there was a problem with the dice.”

Couldn’t understand them?

“Worse. I ate them.”

Sure.

“I was attacked by an Orc and pooped a saving throw, but the game was kinda ruined.”

I can see that. Oh, hey, speaking of seeing: I read that dogs have only recently been able to watch TV, because their eyes couldn’t process the old TVs.

“The color box with no smells?”

…

Yes.

“Love that thing! Sometimes there’s people, but they’re not the Man or the Lady or the Small Man, and they don’t have food, so I don’t care. BUT SOMETIMES THERE’S ANIMALS.”

People are animals.

“Boring ones. The people on the color box just bark at each other and mate. Wait: sometimes they play fetch and I like that.”

You’re talking about professional sports?

“It’s all just fetch, man.”

I guess, yeah.

“But, yeah: when I was a puppy, the color box was just a bunch of images that didn’t make sense. One day, there was a new color box and it had stuff on it I could see. There were stories and people and…what do you call the place that goes fast?”

Cars.

“Lot of cars. Don’t care for them if my head isn’t sticking out the window, quite frankly.”