House of Bones [2010]

This year’s first SyFy Channel’s movie or spit-out, however you prefer to call it, is out. It’s a haunted house movie, everyone’s favourite horror sub-genre, starring Corin Nemec who I saw in “Bundy: An American Icon” where he sucked but I always love to see a familiar face, bad or good. Also starring Charisma Carpenter, which some of you might know from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Angel”, but I never saw much of any of these series.

Corin Nemec

A team of Sinister Sites, a haunted house TV Show, explores a house which happens to be haunted, although they don’t believe it at first, seeing a lot of supposedly haunted houses which weren’t haunted. The team is made of the arrogant host Quentin (Corin Nemec), a psychic Heather (Heather), the producer Tom (Rick Robinson Jr.) and technicians Greg (Marcus Lyle Brown), Simon (Collin Galyean) and Bub (Kyle Russell Clements). Greg is a black guy who wears a chain, somewhat baggy clothes and can of course pick locks. The other two are just random. I ain’t gonna tell you anything more, they come to the house, and shit starts happening.

Greg, the Black Man

Let’s just say it out loud, the movie is not scary at all, and for most of the time I wasn’t even sure if they wanted to scare me or what. I mean, check this out. The house is…newly painted! What’s scary there, you ask yourself? Mr. T pities you. The house painted itself obviously, and ain’t that shit scary?! The house looks nice inside also, really, I’d live there. No, I’m not homeless. What’s scary there, you ask yourself? Mr. T pities you again. There’s a presence in there which keeps it clean! Scared again? Thought so.

Vomiting hair

The movie is quite boring actually, with nothing happening, just them talking scary stuff. Acting is surprisingly good, although there’s too little Corin Nemec, and I wanted to see more of him. Also, Stephanie Honore’s (playing the realty agent Sarah) hotness should be noted, even if not nude. I find that lack of nudity ridiculous, even with a big piece of glass shoved down her throat she is fully clothed.

Clothed, I tell, you, clothed she is!

I am aware of the fact that to most people this movie would be very boring and irritating, because of it’s ignorance towards it’s poor scaring techniques. But I’m so special (we prefer to be called that) that I liked it.