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My Life

I’m a Lover Not a Fighter.

Don’t get any bright ideas. F.Y.I., that doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to fight, or that I won’t beat the living shit out of someone that deserves it, or go down trying in the attempt. It just means, it’s only when provoked. I grew up in a town called Normandy in North St. Louis County. With a couple of years in Decatur IL. Normandy meets the boundary line of North St. Louis City. NoCo and North St. Louis City are like any other big cities, they can be pretty rough places to grow up in.

The first fight that I can remember, was when I was 4 or 5 years old. My brother and I were playing with a friend, when some older kids from the city, a few blocks away, were walking through the neighborhood. They saw, two white kids playing with a black kid and decided to whip the living shit out of us. What fond memories!

This would come to be the scenario that played out for years to come while growing up in a neighborhood where white people were the minority. Eventually, I won some of the fights, I would of won more if their were more people on my team, but it was just my brother and I. The ones I did win, were because I had to learn how to take pain a little different then most kids.

My father liked to drink and I think his kids were more of a burden to him than anything else so, he loved to beat the shit out of us also,when we were screwing up. We were some pretty bad kids. But there’s nothing like coming home from getting your ass whipped by right kids older than you to take another ass whipping for god knows what. I started acting out, sought any attention I could get. I tried to be the class clown. It feels good to make others laugh. I just didn’t know that there are appropriate times to make people laugh, and very inappropriate times to make people laugh. Who knew?

I learned very young, when people are laughing because of something you did or said, they aren’t trying to beat the shit out of you, for just being there. Over all I’ve talked my way out of more fights than I been in, and that’s a lot, because, I can’t tell you, how many times I’ve had to fight over the years. Especially for a guy who doesn’t go looking for fights.

Normandy is a pretty tough school district with kids from some rough neighborhoods. We walked to and from school everyday and the walk home was usually a race. I don’t want it to sound like I fought every day. But it felt like it, at least until fifth and sixth grade. Then Junior high started it all over again. The kids that lived closer to the city had to walk my way to get home. So until they got to know me, it was, let’s beat up the white boy. Yeah! What fun, 8 on 1 is always great!

Did you know, pain is an electrical impulse sent to the brain, to tell you, your body it is in imminent danger, and you need to do something about it. To turn that impulse off, it took me years of getting into fights and getting my ass whipped by my old man to figure out, its up to you to decide if you want to acknowledge the pain or not. And guess what, when you turn it off, you can think much clearer than when you let pain and fear take hold. If you can think clear you can assess the situation and respond a whole lot better than you can when your worrying about how much pain your in.

One time, I had just gotten jumped by a bunch of kids. I got beat up pretty bad, so I was crying. I thought, your pitiful, so I made myself stop crying and smile. Then I made myself laugh. If there was a camera filming at that moment it would of been the craziest thing you’ve ever seen. This 10 year old boy crying his eyes out, then he instantly stop’s crying, starts to smile, and then starts laughing. Crazy, I tell you.

You see, I had to find out, it’s up to you to let go of any feelings you don’t want to feel. If I can turn off the pain emotion, why not other emotions as well. It’s not an easy thing to do, but it can be done. By letting go of the feelings you don’t want, you are free to feel and do anything at all. Within reason, that is.

You can’t just ignore your problems though. The only way you can ignore emotions that you don’t want to have, is if you deal with the problem that’s causing these emotions in the first place. The bad emotions you feel I think just like the pain signal that’s sent to warn you that something bad is going to happen if you continue to do what you are doing. Fix the problem and the repercussions of the problem will go away.

You have to find what it is that makes you tick. Make a self evaluation, so you can find what strengths you have. Then you can take those strengths and apply them to anything you want. Instead of waisting your time and energy on negativity. You could be spending it, making a masterpiece or learning a new skill, if your not artistic, maybe one that can make your family’s life a little better.

The moral of the story is it’s so much better for everybody if you can solve your problem without violence. But their are some assholes in this world that just can’t figure that out. So, if your ever in a fight that you can’t prevent, you have no choice but to defend yourself. If you know what your doing, you can stop the threat to your person, by letting go of fear and pain.

The sky’s the limit at what can happen if you can control all of your emotions.
You can make many great things happen for yourself, if you just get out of your own way. Stop yourself from thinking about negative thoughts that are out of your control. Work on the things you can change to better yourself. When you have to deal with a problem deal with it. Don’t dwell on it, change what needs to be changed and move on. It’s rough out there, do you want to spend all your time and energy feeling sorry for yourself or do you want to spend it doing something that you love to do.

I for one, don’t want to spend another moment thinking about negative shit. So please, with peace and love, if you’ve got nothing but negative for me, save it…. Please!….I don’t want to talk about anything but positive things, that are going to make my life and others better. Spending your time thinking about things that are going to make me and others happy, can’t be wrong. You start to find yourself looking for ideas to make your life better, instead of feeling sorry for yourself all the time. All it takes is to stop holding on to the negative thoughts and feelings. Get rid of them by talking, writing, singing, whatever way you have to, just get rid of them.

I learned a lot from where and how I grew up. I didn’t know it at the time, but I see it now. To name a couple, Black People can be as racist as White People can. We are who we are because of the way we are raised. No matter your color of skin. If you were raised well, usually, your going to do well. How in the hell does it help anybody, to hate someone you don’t know. Sure you can be cautious of someone because of your past experiences. But don’t ever judge someone until you get to know them. It’s easier, to not put yourself in the position to get screwed, than to think everyone’s going to screw you, no matter what their skin color is. It takes up to much valuable time and energy to hate people.

The problem is people don’t have time to get to know new people, so they go off of their instincts. It sucks, but that’s the way it is. If you stop worrying about how others see you, and start bettering yourself, you won’t have to worry about how good of an impression you made, because people will see all of the good things in you, without you having to tell them. Your talents will shine forth, if you let them.

You are who you surround yourself with. If you look around and see people that are successful, you are in the right group. If not, get the hell out! For your own sake, find like mined, intelligent people that are doing good in this world. You can’t put a price on happiness. No matter the cost, you can, take the hit. It’s so much better to be happy than miserable. And who want’s to be happy alone? So find some good people to share your time with. Who knows what can come of it. I’m a firm believer of, if you put enough good minds in a room together, any number of great things can happen. All without having to beat the shit out of somebody, Hopefully!