Sunday, March 01, 2009

Some thoughts about determination versus confidence

I'm not quite sure why I got started thinking about this today, but I did. I have an acquaintance who is a very gifted writer but suffers crippling self-doubt that has, so far, prevented her from achieving her dream of writing -- and publishing -- a novel. She soul-searches a lot and goes in cycles, up and down, and the ups are beautiful and full of epiphanies, the kind of epiphanies out of which beautiful writing blooms. Just, so far the ups have not been sustained long enough for an entire book to make its way into the world. Doubt rolls back around and derails her.

I suffer cycles too. Really, every writer I know has them: the peaks and troughs of good writing days versus bad ones. Euphoria to despair and back again.

For those of us who have made it through and finished a book as well as we possibly can . . . how did we? I was thinking about this acquaintance, rooting for her and wondering what it might take for her to pull it off, and the word "confidence" entered my mind.

But no, I thought. That's not it. Confidence is not what it takes to finish a book. I mean, it's great if you've got it, but you don't need it. What you do need is determination, and that's something that's easier to come by. I think, anyway. Confidence is this kind of full trust in one's abilities, and I most certainly did not have that when I was writing Blackbringer. I did, however, have a mulish determination to do it. It wasn't that I knew I could do it, it was that I really really wanted to. I mean, really really. Really.

Really.

And that, as it turned out, was enough. You don't have to believe in yourself all the time; you don't have to read self-help books and fix your self-esteem problems before you can succeed. You just have to be stubborn and keep on and keep on. Instead of the Little Engine saying "I know I can, I know I can," you can, to be cornball, instead be the Little Engine that says, "I won't quit, I won't quit." It's kind of easier. For me, anyway.

So that's what I was thinking about.

Now, today I began a new-old regimen of getting up at 6 to write for a few hours before breakfast. It's a small change; lately I've been getting up at 7:30-8. But back when I decided to get serious (and mulish) about Blackbringer and really write the sucker at last, I started the 6 am thing and it worked for me -- the quiet morning dark, and just the sense it gave me that I was doing something with a strong sense of purpose. But I have let that slide, and for this month at least, I'm getting back to it -- just to renew the sense of purpose and hopefully have a kick-ass writing month. I did have a good writing morning, yay, and so the month begins.

Just to confess a little something, even though I love my w.i.p. and want to smother it with kisses, I still got tempted to start something else last week! What the hell??? It has GOT to be evil gremlins! Temptation-imps? An anti-muse? I don't know, but it's bad, bad, bad. BAD. Temptation averted, I am back on track. But geez. Really? I even placed an unnecessary Amazon order for books related to the evil new idea. I've shelved that interloper-idea before the order even arrives. Ha ha!

I read on somebody's blog that these interlopers can be called "slutty new ideas," tee hee hee. Stephanie and I call them "newts," which comes from NWT, or New Weird Thing. The thing is, my w.i.p. is a newt! Seeing how IT started life as a temptress and lured me away from another perfectly decent novel, how can it ever trust me to be faithful to IT? It's a conundrum! But it needn't worry. I'm not going anywhere. I'm writing this book. I am DETERMINED.

You are so right about determination. I would call it perseverance. I often say that it's not the most talented people who get books published. You can have all the talent in the world but if you don't have the stamina and perseverance you will never finish a book. the less talented, however, just have to work hard and learn their craft and they will eventually get to be as good as the supernaturally gifted.

I agree completely with you Laini and with Rachael. I do not consider myself to be a naturally gifted writer but I almost perversely determined. So I will write this book, but it will take me some time as I learn my craft.

I'm exactly the same way, with new ideas constantly screaming for my attention. My wife and I actually had a meeting about it some months ago and decided Thursday night would be my night to find a coffee shop and work on one specific project until it was finished, over many weeks. So far I've finished one novel in this method, and can now move on to the next slutty book.

Rachael, I agree with you completely -- and not just about writing, but anything. I have seen tremendous athletes squandor their natural gifts while the less *gifted* surpass them out of sheer determination. (Tortoise and hare?) The ability to finish things is, I think, the greatest gift :-)

Tone, tee hee, don't know your own name in the morning! The mornings are a pretty good time for me to work. Evenings, however? I can try, but I am ridiculously unproductive later in the day. As for how many hours, it totally depends on how the story is going. If I'm into it and know what's going to happen, etc, I can squeeze out a lot more hours than when it's labored and not flowing. Then I just want to do other things!

Great Post and wonderful advice. Here is what I have learned. When I think I have written my worst drivel, it turns out to be my best work. When I am in love with the prose, it is usually a stinker. So now I just write. The blog is like warming up and then on to the real work. Thanks for sharing! Teri

"You don't have to believe in your self all the time; you don't have to read self-help books and fix your self-esteem problems before you can succeed. You just have to be stubborn and keep on and keep on"--

I SO feel determination is it! Not necessarily the creative fuel to proceed and keep on keepin' on, but most certainly the strand of beads I reach for to rub from one to the next to the next . . . perserverance is part stubborness and part holding one's hands beside the eye sockets in that way that says, "No way! Not seeing the give-up path, not not not seeing anything but what's forward"

Perfect timing, as usual. (Are you a mind reader? Should I be concerned?) I'm trying to adjust to my new schedule, and I'm finding myself easily distracted already. I slept in an extra hour and a half today, which makes me feel guilty. Shamed. And I want to nip this in the bud before it can grow into a spiky, nasty weed.

Determination. Keep moving forward. Yes, thank you.

And I'll keep you in check with the newts, if you keep me in check, okay? (Next time you log onto Amazon, I'm blasting a bullhorn into your ear!)

I just blogged about this and put up a link to your post. You are completely right: it's about determination.

I have to wake up super early too, it seems, or I don't get any time at all. Maybe this will be something you'll be really great at before the baby comes. Writing before the kids wake up might be the only way I can manage, right now.

As far as NEWTs, the only time they ever break in is when what I am writing simply is not working. Otherwise I'm too obsessive to let new ideas in. If a NEWT starts nagging, I know something is wrong with my WiP.

Thank you so much for these words of wisdom. I too have found myself in that place of self-doubt with my work; simply putting it on the back burner rather than pushing through. I am going to write down the quote above to remind me of what I need to do. This is exactly what I needed to hear today. I might even try to get up earlier, although I will have to get up at 5 get anything done before my four-year-old awakes. Nice to meet you. Tina

About Me

I'm a writer & artist. I live in Portland, Oregon with my husband Jim (also an artist) and our small daughter, Clementine Pie. My novels are Dreamdark: Blackbringer, Dreamdark: Silksinger, and Lips Touch, which was a finalist for the 2009 National Book Award. My next novel, Daughter of Smoke and Bone (Little, Brown) will be out September 27, 2011. I believe our dreams are REAL THINGS, not wisps and air, and it is our job in this life to make them come true, because no one else will do it for us, and because this is our one and only "wild & precious life"!