…chasing joy when life is hard.

I am David.

Sometimes life just isn’t that great, ya know? Sometimes you just wanna crawl under the covers and stay there.

I’ve had some of those days lately. I’ve been struggling. I’ve been wrestling with the idea that maybe my desires for my life and God’s desires for my life don’t really line up.

I know there are some of you that have or will walk through this path of grief…a heart shattered…a dream devastated.

These are the journals of my heart even in it’s damaged shape. Some are not pretty. Some are ugly. But, sweet friend, Jesus meets us there in the gutter…the pit we may very well have thrown our ownselves into.

I believed with all my (deceitful) heart that this thing I wanted was exactly what God wanted too. But now it seems that this is not what HE wants.

It’s hard to grasp, to believe. How is this what you want, Lord? When I believed for SO LONG that YOU did want it? My shame, my grief, my guilt…they want to swallow me whole.

What do you do when you feel thrown out with the trash? Unwanted? Replaced? Rejected?

What do you do when you want so desperately to feel loved, accepted, and desired. I did for a season…for a time. Was it all a lie?

I feel to blame.

Am I, Lord? Show me Your Truth.

Help me lay it down…let it go…let the dream die if it’s not YOUR dream for me.

Hold me up, Jesus.

Paint beauty with the huge ugly pile of ashes that is my life.

Is it really falling into place? Really? It doesn’t feel like it. But, Lord, I’m ready for healing

I need YOUR forgiveness. I’ve been selfish…wanting what I want. I did what I wanted. I hid from YOU. I made the dream MY world. I went my own way instead of going YOUR way, LORD.

I changed. I became a shadow of my former self.

Forgive me, God.

Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.
Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.
Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
and justified when you judge.
Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
you taught me wisdom in that secret place.
Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.