I CAN'T TAKE THESE PITY PARTIES I'VE BEEN HAVING

In Feb. 2005 I was diagnosed with kidney failure and still on dialysis. Because I have a rare blood type [A neg.] the waiting list is longer for a transplant. At the end of 2008, I went on an 8 day motorcycle trip, receiving dialysis along the way. While getting dialysis in Arizona, I got a staph infection. Jan. 1, 2009 I was so sick my friends put me on a flight home. My daughters called 911 and went into hospital. I was coma-induced for 2 months. Almost died. Needed surgery, but had a fever of 107 and dr. said I would not survive surgery. I finally broke my fever and had surgery. After running tests, I had a blood clot that traveled to my heart. It damaged the main valve and was transferred to a heart hospital where they replaced it with a mechanical valve. The following week they ran more tests and found 3 holes in my heart. How the dr. missed it the first time I have no idea. It was during the summer where all the medical students graduate and I believe in my heart [no pun intended] that the dr. purposely made me going through the 2nd surgery so the resident dr. could do the operation. Went to live at a rehab because I had to learn to walk again as I have been in the hospital for 8 months. Somehow I fell and didn't know it. Woke up in a hospital. When released, my daughter refused to let them take me back to the rehab as I was only getting 15 minutes of exercise and she knew I would recover faster at home.

A month later, I was having trouble breathing. 911 called again. Tests showed that I had a small hole in my other valve. Back into surgery. The next month, while I was on dialysis, I went into full cardiac arrest. If I was anywhere else, I would not have made it.

Since 2008 I've also been dealing with fibromyalgia. And since last year, depression set in. I've lost all my friends and have no family other than my two girls, a new son-in-law, a beautiful new grandson, and 2 adorable Pugs.

I am SO lonely and have pity parties numerous times a day. I hate feeling sorry for myself, and hate being in constant pain. I'm taking Norco which helps tremendously, but the dr. doesn't want to give me enough so that I can live a somewhat normal life. I'm also on Xanax and Temazepam. Before having kidney failure, I was a marathoner, running 2 marathons a year for 14 years. And now I can barely walk because of the pain.

Today is NYE and I am replaying the tape from 2009. I rededicated my life to the Lord, I read the Bible, and pray all day. I just want my life back. I want to be a fun, loving, and cheerful mom, and grandma. I feel I am a burden to my girls, especially my 20 year old who lives with me. And to think no one has invited me to bring in the new year. Whether I can make it or not, an invitation would have been nice.

I'm sorry this is so long. I can't handle the depression, dialysis or the pain from the fibro. And to add to everything, I literally sleep 2 - 3 hrs. a night and I'm taking sleeping pills.

I would be so happy if someone could offer me some advice to get through the depression. I know that it worsens the fibro pain.

I wish everyone a healthy and happy 2012. We deserve it !!

Much Love,

Irvine Runner

In Feb. 2005 I was diagnosed with kidney failure and still on dialysis. Because I have a rare blood type [A neg.] the waiting list is longer for a transplant. At the end of 2008, I went on an 8 day motorcycle trip, receiving dialysis along the way. While getting dialysis in Arizona, I got a staph infection. Jan. 1, 2009 I was so sick my friends put me on a flight home. My daughters called 911 and went into hospital. I was coma-induced for 2 months. Almost died. Needed surgery, but had a fever of 107 and dr. said I would not survive surgery. I finally broke my fever and had surgery. After running tests, I had a blood clot that traveled to my heart. It damaged the main valve and was transferred to a heart hospital where they replaced it with a mechanical valve. The following week they ran more tests and found 3 holes in my heart. How the dr. missed it the first time I have no idea. It was during the summer where all the medical students graduate and I believe in my heart [no pun intended] that the dr. purposely made me going through the 2nd surgery so the resident dr. could do the operation. Went to live at a rehab because I had to learn to walk again as I have been in the hospital for 8 months. Somehow I fell and didn't know it. Woke up in a hospital. When released, my daughter refused to let them take me back to the rehab as I was only getting 15 minutes of exercise and she knew I would recover faster at home.

A month later, I was having trouble breathing. 911 called again. Tests showed that I had a small hole in my other valve. Back into surgery. The next month, while I was on dialysis, I went into full cardiac arrest. If I was anywhere else, I would not have made it.

Since 2008 I've also been dealing with fibromyalgia. And since last year, depression set in. I've lost all my friends and have no family other than my two girls, a new son-in-law, a beautiful new grandson, and 2 adorable Pugs.

I am SO lonely and have pity parties numerous times a day. I hate feeling sorry for myself, and hate being in constant pain. I'm taking Norco which helps tremendously, but the dr. doesn't want to give me enough so that I can live a somewhat normal life. I'm also on Xanax and Temazepam. Before having kidney failure, I was a marathoner, running 2 marathons a year for 14 years. And now I can barely walk because of the pain.

Today is NYE and I am replaying the tape from 2009. I rededicated my life to the Lord, I read the Bible, and pray all day. I just want my life back. I want to be a fun, loving, and cheerful mom, and grandma. I feel I am a burden to my girls, especially my 20 year old who lives with me. And to think no one has invited me to bring in the new year. Whether I can make it or not, an invitation would have been nice.

I'm sorry this is so long. I can't handle the depression, dialysis or the pain from the fibro. And to add to everything, I literally sleep 2 - 3 hrs. a night and I'm taking sleeping pills.

I would be so happy if someone could offer me some advice to get through the depression. I know that it worsens the fibro pain.

Honestly the only advice I can give is to keep on seeking Jesus. He will heal you, just TRUELY believe in your heart. This has to be a very hard time in your life, and from your story your such a fighter. I say that because the people you do have helping you really love you and need you to not fall into depression. They really need you and you are going to have to know that friends come and go but your family loves you. You are not a burden to your girls , I say this because my mom had kidney failure, then she had fluid on the heart, in which she takes dialysis which eventually led to her blindness. she was 50 years old when all this happen. this is just to say it is me and my sister that cares for her and no matter what happens we need her around It only sadens me that she never seen my two girls who are 5 and 3 because she went blind 7 years ago. however she is sill here with us. so see they really need and love you. kick that depression , give it to the lord in prayer. I will pray for you everyday for your healing as I do my mom.ps. we really love our moms

Honestly the only advice I can give is to keep on seeking Jesus. He will heal you, just TRUELY believe in your heart. This has to be a very hard time in your life, and from your story your such a fighter. I say that because the people you do have helping you really love you and need you to not fall into depression. They really need you and you are going to have to know that friends come and go but your family loves you. You are not a burden to your girls , I say this because my mom had kidney failure, then she had fluid on the heart, in which she takes dialysis which eventually led to her blindness. she was 50 years old when all this happen. this is just to say it is me and my sister that cares for her and no matter what happens we need her around It only sadens me that she never seen my two girls who are 5 and 3 because she went blind 7 years ago. however she is sill here with us. so see they really need and love you. kick that depression , give it to the lord in prayer. I will pray for you everyday for your healing as I do my mom.ps. we really love our moms

Thank you SO much for your reply. I am sorry to hear about your mom and I will keep your family in my prayers. God Bless you and your sister for being there for her. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have my girls, and I know that your mom feels the same way. Depression almost always goes with a chronic disease or chronic pain.

I have poured myself into the Bible and developing a closer relationship with the Lord. I am also learning to think positive instead of negative thoughts. That is really hard since I've also been a negative thinker.

It means a lot to me that you said I was a fighter. I always think as myself as being a big whiner. My girls give me compliments, but it's nice to hear it from someone just from reading my story.

Being a new grandma, I can't image not being able to see my grandson. But being alive is what is important. I promised my girls and grandson [although he's just 4 mos.] that I will put up a good fight and will never give up. No matter how much I'm suffering. You are so right . . . my girls and your mom's girls loves us to pieces !! As we do to you, too.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond. I hope your mom gets a transplant and off dialysis.

Thank you SO much for your reply. I am sorry to hear about your mom and I will keep your family in my prayers. God Bless you and your sister for being there for her. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have my girls, and I know that your mom feels the same way. Depression almost always goes with a chronic disease or chronic pain.

I have poured myself into the Bible and developing a closer relationship with the Lord. I am also learning to think positive instead of negative thoughts. That is really hard since I've also been a negative thinker.

It means a lot to me that you said I was a fighter. I always think as myself as being a big whiner. My girls give me compliments, but it's nice to hear it from someone just from reading my story.

Being a new grandma, I can't image not being able to see my grandson. But being alive is what is important. I promised my girls and grandson [although he's just 4 mos.] that I will put up a good fight and will never give up. No matter how much I'm suffering. You are so right . . . my girls and your mom's girls loves us to pieces !! As we do to you, too.

Thank you again for taking the time to respond. I hope your mom gets a transplant and off dialysis.

From what you have went through these past few years, you sound like a very brave person. You make the things in my life seam trivial and of little consequence yet I am having more than my share of pity parties. You are a true inspiration to all of us that go through depression and feel like our problems are insurmountable.

From what you have went through these past few years, you sound like a very brave person. You make the things in my life seam trivial and of little consequence yet I am having more than my share of pity parties. You are a true inspiration to all of us that go through depression and feel like our problems are insurmountable.

I was moved by your letter and I wish you the best! Thank goodness you have your family!

I had fibromyalgia for many years and I am fine now thanks to a book I picked up called Freedom from Fibromyalgia. It is written by an MD in Wisconsin who also suffered from fibromyalgia. I followed her instructions exactly and it worked. I got the book from my local library then bought a used copy from Amazon.

An idea for the pity parties- can you prepare some activities during the day and when you notice the pity party starting, distract yourself with an activity? Scrapbooking, reading the Bible, writing Thank You notes, sketching or painting- whatever. Is there something extra you can do for your family- like folding clothes or making a special dish for the family?

The thought that occurs to me is that God still has something for you to do- whatever it is-prayer, inspiration. Hang in there!

Dear IrvineRunner,

I was moved by your letter and I wish you the best! Thank goodness you have your family!

I had fibromyalgia for many years and I am fine now thanks to a book I picked up called Freedom from Fibromyalgia. It is written by an MD in Wisconsin who also suffered from fibromyalgia. I followed her instructions exactly and it worked. I got the book from my local library then bought a used copy from Amazon.

An idea for the pity parties- can you prepare some activities during the day and when you notice the pity party starting, distract yourself with an activity? Scrapbooking, reading the Bible, writing Thank You notes, sketching or painting- whatever. Is there something extra you can do for your family- like folding clothes or making a special dish for the family?

The thought that occurs to me is that God still has something for you to do- whatever it is-prayer, inspiration. Hang in there!

This site complies with the HONcode standard for trustworthy health information:verify here.

Advertising Notice

This Site and third parties who place advertisements on this Site may collect and use information about
your visits to this Site and other websites in order to provide advertisements about goods and services of
interest to you. If you would like to obtain more information about these advertising practices and to make
choices about online behavioral advertising, please click here.