“Look, I can’t properly describe how windy it is without panicking people, which I’m not really allowed to do.

“You’ve seen the film ‘Twister’, yes? Right. Imagine that, but with fewer Hollywood types and more batter chocolates.

“That’s what’s going to happen in Scotland.”

Scotland weather warning

News commentator, Rosie Jones, said “Why is anyone surprised? We’ve all seen that documentary that Mel Gibson did; this is a nation of warriors who got their arses out when faced with near-certain death at the hands of the entire English army.

“I doubt that a stronger than average breeze is going to sway them; literally or figuratively.”

Scottish kite merchant, Trevor Newland, shrugged, “To be honest, I’m making far too much money to worry about a bit of a breeze.

“I got blown away with a kite when I was 7 years old. Didn’t do me any harm; in fact it was one hell of a ride. I almost saw the sun.”

Newland is expected to make close to three hundred thousand pounds this week, which, in Scotland, makes him a millionaire.

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