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We here at HORROR-SCOPE Central have been hard at work on this weeks predictions.

They’re as wacky as usual.

This weeks list of chart readings include beards, a spleen, and constipation.

Enjoy…

Aries… The Sun is in Aries now and doesn’t like it. That’s not good for you. In the future, you will arrange a “Meet and Greet” in a meat market. Vegans will boycott it.

Taurus… Mercury is on the cusp of Taurus now, but it doesn’t want to be there. That spells trouble for you. Someday you will write a book called, “How To Pinch In A Pinch”. Unfortunately it won’t sell very well. Only a few Italian men, and Dennis Miller will buy a copy.

Gemini… The Earth is adjacent to Gemini now but wants to be square instead. That’s never a good sign. In the future, you will finally become so coordinated that you will pat you head and rub your stomach at the same time…with hot branding irons. Ouch.

Cancer… The Moon is in opposition to Cancer at this time, Opposition is always a bad sign. In the future, you will start a beard collection. Then you will comb all barbershops in search of them. Shortly after, you will abandon your quest.

Leo… Mercury is in its second house having windows replaced after a meteor storm. It’s not happy about that. That’s not good for you. In the distant future, you will write a book called, ”How To Overcome Your Fear Of Swallowing”. Only a few circus people will buy them.

Virgo… Uranus is trine with Virgo now, but it wants to be adjacent. That’s never good for you. In the future, you will write a book called, ”How To Wallow For Fun And Profit”. It will only be popular with pigs and water buffalo.

Libra… Saturn is descending into a funk now. That’s terrible for you. In the not too distant future, you will suddenly convince yourself that the secret to world domination is constipation.

Scorpio… Mars is approaching the cusp of Scorpio now. It isn’t happy about that for some unknown reason. That portends problems for you. In the future, you’ll be afraid to move about your dwelling when you suddenly develop a fear of drawers.

Sagittarius… Pluto is in its eighth house now playing poker with its moons. It’s loosing badly. That’s not good for you. In the not too distant future, you will write a book called, “How To Polka With Your Hookah While Naked”. It will be banned in all countries of the world.

Capricorn…Jupiter is on the cusp of Capricorn now and approaching square. That’s never a good sign. One day, you will leave your heart in San Francisco…and your spleen too. Sorry.

Aquarius… Neptune is rising to meet Aquarius, but Aquarius isn’t ready for that. Problems will arise because of it. In the future, you will act on your desire to turn all crop circles into squares. You will be arrested for trespassing.

Pisces… Venus is in its fifth house cleaning fish. It hates to clean fish. That’s bad for you. Not long from now, you will open a Mutton Chop Locator Service. Shortly afterwards, you will declare bankruptcy. Sorry.