Crying in a Coffee Shop

Zack Gudzan

October 02, 2017

I won’t quit.

Though my spirit is somber, my spirit is hopeful. Though I feel despair, I carry joy.

I’m just gonna tell it like it is:

There’s currently $787 in my account, my bills this week will cost triple that amount, and I’m in San Diego – basically as far from home (Charlotte) as I can possibly be. A dear friend from Instagram has been kind enough to let me and my dog sleep on her couch, but I don’t want to overstay my welcome.

I drove all the way here, because the pastor of a local church asked me to come down and talk about helping him start a recovery ministry in their new location. Of course, I said yes. What an honor! I still feel so unqualified when leaders like that reach out to me. It’s very humbling, to say the least.

My heart says, “Stay in San Diego and see this through. There’s a reason you’re here.”

My brain says, “Dude. You’re homeless, and you’re not qualified to start a recovery ministry. Get a job, stop asking people for help, and put CLTIVATE on hold.”

Then God says, “Zack. I have called you out of darkness. I have loved you from the start, and I will love you today like I always have. Do not fear, and do not worry about what you’ll eat. I will provide for you, because you are mine.”

It’s probably no coincidence that my daily reading was Luke 12 today. (About not worrying and the Lord’s provision for His people.)

My heart is tired of doing all of this alone. The journey has been beyond incredible. Beyond words. I’m learning new things about my character, discovering new gifts and talents, and I’m learning to lean on God like never before. But damn it, I miss my friends.

The enemy says give up, and fear says to run back to Charlotte.

I’m at a local coffee shop with headphones in, just writing my heart out. And as I write this, something is happening. A song just started playing - it’s the same song that rocked me in a church in Portland. I’m consumed with chills, and I’m crying big, man tears in a coffee shop. People are staring, and I don’t care. Because God is here. The song goes like this:

“Where will you run, my soul Where will you go when wells run dry When the wind starts to blow How you gonna keep this flame alive

In the fading light when night is breaking I know You will always be waiting You'll always be there I'm running to the secret place

Where You are, where You are I sing to You of all the ways You stole my heart, stole my heart Better is a moment that I spend with You

Than a million other days away I'm running, I'm running I'm running to the secret place You are my only hope You are the Rock on which I stand

You will not let me go I know that I am safe inside Your hands In the fading light when night is breaking I know You will always be waiting You'll always be there I'm running to the secret place

Where You are, where You are I sing…”

So, in the midst of fear, uncertainty, being homeless, lonely, and ridiculously far from home, I will keep going. I will not quit. I’ll serve this church in San Diego. I’ll get plugged into the recovery scene here. I’ll apply for jobs. And I’ll keep asking for help. Why? Because God brought me here. Someone in San Diego needs the Light, and I’m gonna give it until God says to carry on.

"And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” Luke 11:9

If you'd like to support this journey and mission, below is the link to our GoFundMe. Prayers are always welcome, too! Thanks so much.