[satire] CRY WOLF: High School Football Player Accidentally Sets Highlight Tape to Smooth Jazz

(ANYTOWN, Texas) In what some are calling the “blunder of the year,” a high school football player has reportedly accidentally set his end-of-the-season highlight tape to smooth jazz music. Sources say 6’3″, 220 lb junior linebacker and former five-star recruit Justin Salting is devastated after attempting to make the background song of his highlight tape “Hard In Da Paint” by rapper Waka Flocka Flame but instead making it “Forever In Love” by acclaimed smooth jazz musician Kenny G.

The five-minute, 26-second highlight reel shows Salting blowing up quarterbacks in the pocket and making devastating hits on running backs all while a warm, soothing saxophone plays in the background.

“I’d like to formally apologize to my family, teammates, and coaches,” Salting, who has lost over 19 college offers since the posting of the highlight tape, said. “I am truly embarrassed and devastated.”

Sources say Salting has dropped from the #6 high school football prospect in the nation to #26,000 since the release of the highlight tape.

“We rank high school football players on three core things: physical attributes, game stats and ‘dopeness’ of highlight tape music,” ESPN high school recruiting expert Trey Moreau said. “Making your highlight tape music a song people cry to while sitting in a bathtub is probably the worst thing a high school prospect could do short of tearing both ACLs.”

Multiple college football coaches have spoken out about the situation since Salting released what some are calling an “utter disgrace to the game of football and humanity in general.”

“I was so impressed by this kid; I thought he was gonna be a phenomenal college athlete,” Alabama football head coach Nick Saban, who had been actively recruiting Salting prior to seeing his new highlight reel, said. ”But after seeing that abomination of a film-reel, I sincerely believe he should never allowed to play another down of football again in his life.”

“It’s a shame because I already bought him a new car,” Saban added.

“We don’t even want him,” Millsaps College football head coach Aaron Pelch said.

At press time, rumors were swirling that Salting may be kicked off his high school football team for his senior season.

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About Hyde Healy

Hyde Healy is a junior at St. Paul's. He is the creator and writer of the "Cry Wolf" satirical news series. He occasionally covers actual school news as a staff reporter, so not everything he writes is "fake news." He is involved in multiple extracurricular activities around campus, including lacrosse and Key Club. You can contact him or send him money at hyde.healy.2019@stpauls.com.
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