It's already hard to tell someone you aren't interested when they're interested in you. Unfortunately, some of our kindest impulses can put us in danger when the other party suffers from instability or an exaggerated sense of entitlement. Ideally, you should feel safe saying "no" to attention you don't want. In many circumstances, however, it feels physically, professionally, or socially dangerous to set clear and firm boundaries. Protect yourself by saying no, getting distance from the person who asks, and telling others.

Steps

Method1

Turning Down a Stranger

1

Say no firmly. As long as it feels reasonably safe, say no immediately. Do not smile, apologize, or say maybe. If you don't want someone, don't give them anything. Just say something like "No, I'm not interested."[1]

Do not allow anyone you don't like to touch you or stand close to you.

Step back if they are too close to you.

Turn away if they are taking too long to leave you alone.

For instance, if you are at a party, you might say "No, I'm not interested," then turn to your friend and suggest going to another room.

2

Lie if you need to. If you are alone and the person hitting on you threatens you or makes you feel too uncomfortable to say no, tell them a quick lie that will let you escape.

You can say you need to use a bathroom, or that you forgot something in your car, or that you need to make a quick call.

Get into a public place and get help.

Put walls between yourself and the aggressor as quickly as you can. Unstable or inebriated people sometimes attack even in public.

3

Don't give them any of your information. Don't give them your name, information about your job, where you live, where you're going next, or anything else. If you aren't sure yet if someone is hitting on you or bothering you, just ask "why?" instead of answering the questions, and then decided if you are being advanced upon.[2]

Explain that you are not interested instead of answering questions.

If you are told, "It was just a compliment, I just want to talk to you. What do you do for work?" resist the urge to answer the question. Instead, say "I am talking with my friends right now" or "I am not interested in continuing this conversation."

4

Get away. Once someone has made you nervous, put space between yourself and them. If they don't leave you alone, walk away. Leave as long as you can leave safely without being followed. Leave with friends if you can. If you feel relatively safe, you can stick around, but don't agree to sit with or stand near the aggressor.

Try going into another room, leaving a bar or party (with friends), or moving to sit at the bar instead of at a table so that the bartender can watch out for you.

5

Stay calm. If you yell at them, they may try to hurt you.[3] Be as cool and firm as you can. Take deep breaths if you feel yourself losing your temper or getting frightened. Take special care to stay calm if you are alone, as you are more likely to be violently attacked.

If you are in public, an abuser may try to upset you in order to discredit you. Stay calm and make sure to let other people know what's going on.

6

Make a report. Tell somebody so that they can look out for you. If you are at a bar, tell your friends. If someone is making you uncomfortable, tell a bouncer or bartender exactly what happened so that they can keep an eye out for you and eject the person if needed.

If it happens in the street, tell the people you can see what happened. If you were threatened, report the incident to the police.

Method2

Discouraging an Acquaintance

1

Be unambiguous. You may prefer to let down an acquaintance gently, but be very clear that you are saying no. Say only what is true, and don't feel required to offer them extra details. You can offer reasons, but don't elaborate to make them feel better. They just need to hear that you are turning them down.

"I'm not interested, and it's not okay that you asked. You know I'm in a monogamous relationship."

"I'm flattered, but I'd rather not get involved with a coworker."

2

Set clear boundaries and consequences. When you say no, be clear about the fact that this is a closed topic. If you need them to treat you differently now that they've come on to you, say this as well.

"I don't want you to ask me again. If you do, I will not feel comfortable around you, and I will not want to spend time together anymore."

"I am going to tell my partner. Don't give me a hard time about that. If you keep harassing me, I'll tell the rest of our friends as well."

"We can talk about this eventually, but I'd rather you not bring it up at work. If you do, I will feel violated and I will have to tell someone to protect myself."

3

Hold your boundaries. If your acquaintance crosses a line you set, enact the consequences you promised. If you don't, your acquaintance will continue to cross your lines.

Refuse to attend gatherings at which this person is present.

Do not hang out or offer friendship to someone who harasses you and makes you feel uncomfortable.

Report the interactions to HR if they happen at work.

4

Shut it down if it continues. If this is happening repeatedly, and you have made it clear that you want it to stop, you are being harassed. This is unacceptable, and you should do what you need to do to feel safe. Tell mutual friends, and refuse to attend events at which your aggressor is also present. Explain your reasons to the host.

If it's happening at work, report to your supervisor and to HR, and take it higher up if nobody is helping you.

If it's happening at school, tell your teacher, the principal, and your friends.

Get a restraining order if you are being contacted or visited against your will.

Method3

Focusing on Your Safety

1

Stay calm. You may be angry, and you have every right to be. However, especially if you are alone, swearing, yelling, or otherwise venting your anger could provoke an unstable assailant to attack you. Take deep breaths, tell yourself "this person does not matter to me," and get away as soon as you can.[4]

2

Refuse communication. Someone who has previously stalked you or crossed your boundaries may claim to have reformed. They may call and write you emails begging for a response or for the chance to see you one last time, just to apologize. Refuse this, as they may be plotting something worse. If they really wanted to make it up to you, they would leave you alone.[5]

Do not reply to any correspondence if you are being stalked. Make sure to save the texts or missed calls, as they will be evidence if the situation continues to worsen.

3

Document harassment. Save any letters, emails, voicemails, or other correspondence you receive from your aggressor. Take notes after any interactions, noting the time, place, and what was said and done. Photograph any alterations to your physical environment, such as roses left on your doorstep, broken windows, or creepy notes. If you need to build an HR case or a case for a restraining order, this will be of great help. [6]

4

Don't accept open drinks. Predators sometimes resort to spiking drinks with drugs to render victims disoriented and amenable. If you are at a bar or other social event and someone offers you an open drink, especially someone who hit on you, refuse it. If you feel unsafe refusing it, take it politely and dispose of it discretely.[7]

Watch your glass. If anyone passes a hand over it, don't drink it.

If you feel disoriented, can't remember how you got from one point to another, or are otherwise feeling confused while out on the town, get your friends to take you home immediately.

Don't let a stranger help you. Ask for help from a bartender, a friend, or a family member.

5

Stay in touch with friends when you party. Go out with people you trust, and make a plan for the evening. Stay in touch throughout the night, and make sure you have a point person in charge of getting everyone safely home.

It can be hard for drunk people, especially those who have been drugged, to communicate what they want or need. Some people might end up in dangerous situations that look consensual.

Make sure you or your group's point person checks in with anyone who is going home with a stranger.

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