Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world, taking midnight trains places.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

A Moment in Time

Next year, my family and I will move to Central Oregon in order for my husband to become an owner in a new satellite office his company will open.

This is a great opportunity for him to expand his skills, to organize and manage projects and personnel, and much more. He deserves it. He works hard, and he has earned his place at his company. I am happy for him, and I want him to enjoy the success he has worked so hard for. I just wish it could happen here, so we wouldn't have to move.

Here's the thing: moving is not so much what either of us want to do, but I more than he am having a really hard time with it. It's caused stress and arguments between us, which totally sucks.

We had a good talk about it last night, where tempers were calm and we got through a discussion of difficult thoughts and feelings. I feel great now because I was able to tell him how I really felt, and he said he understood and told me why he understood. You know what an amazing feeling it is to be able to do that? To express some deeper thoughts that you have to someone you care about, and have that person listen and respond kindly? Amazing! Very satisfying.

So, the reason for this post to go where it's going to go is because I believe it's important for my growth to record where I'm at in the moment. This is something I want to do for many reasons. I want to read this again in a month, a year, a few years, and remember where I was in order to compare it to where I am. To where I have gone. You see? I hope that this post forces me to eat some major crow in the future, after Life has taken me where it will, to prove to me that I was being short-sighted, impatient, cautious, unadventurous. I have to tell you that right now this whole moving thing really pisses me off.

I'm mad that I'm finally in a place where I feel comfortable and that life can start again for me. I was settling in to our new marriage, new town, new house, new stay-at-home mommydom (just three months ago), and OC starting in Kindergarten at a GREAT school. That was enjoyed for nine months before the possibility of moving came up. We were going to try for a baby. I had gotten off my sleeping medication a few months ago and enjoyed unmedicated sleep for the first time in Y-E-A-R-S. I have every reason to believe this came about due to happiness, contentment, a feeling of stability.

Contentment and stability are to be found in the town we now live. It is just the right size so there are plenty of things here, but if it's not here, there are towns and cities nearby where you can get what you need. It's safe, it's got little traffic, it's beautiful; a quiet college town. I LOVE IT. Portland is 40 minutes away, which is one of my favorite cities in the world and I say that in a totally biased way because I was born there. I love Portland. It's relatively safe, clean, easy to get around in, with plenty of entertainment and cultural events, Broadway series shows, symphony, waterfront, nature, and more. I can get my Ipnosi and Ether shopping fix, go see friends, eat at various amazing restaurants, and all of it is affordable.

Previously, I lived somewhere I didn't like that was far, far away from work, friends, and family. That was totally my fault and I accept that. I set about to change that circumstance once I finally admitted my mistake. I learned something about myself: that I never want to live where I am isolated like that again. OC and I lived with a friend in Portland for one month before I found an apartment in Portland for us. OC and I lived in our own apartment for two years, then I got married and we moved here.

All that in three years.

When I think of it this way, it makes me want to ask, "What is so wrong with LIKING where I am and STAYING here, Universe? Why do you have to go and mess that up for me???"

I know that Life is not in our control, ever. I know that things that hurt us are not designed to hurt us, but are designed to teach us a valuable lesson and/or force us to make the move we should be making in life in order to move forward. I am a tough cookie (okay, stubborn) who doesn't like change (I think that's called being "normal"), especially when I find a comfortable place, so I can see why Life would have to get pushy with me in order to make its point.

There is a place inside of me that knows inherently that this could be a good move, a good experience. This place knows that the important things go with me no matter where I live on the Earth: my child, my husband, my family, my kitties, memories of loved ones, photos, my Netflix subscription (hee hee.....). So what's the big deal with changing my address?

The big deal is that life is hard and I've been through some damn hard things lately. The big deal is that I'm ready for some damn peace. Heck, I deserve some peace! Don't I? It means packing and moving all my stuff, again, making new friends, feeling unsettled, finding my place, again, blah blah blah. It also means new experiences, new friends, new good things I can't even imagine right now. Change is unknown and could bring bad things, too. I quit my job and stay at home now, spending time in a town that I want to be, in a house that feels safe and comfortable.

My husband is frustrated with me because he thinks that since I have said yes to this, I should move on and be positive. Steeped in thoughts of how much I will be losing, it's no wonder why I'm angry. I don't know how to manage all of the feelings, but I know that it is all a process. The first stage is anger. (It always is, isn't it?) There will be other stages.

I am looking for the lesson in this, and I have some questions: What is trying to be taught to me? What should be doing? What about the way I feel about the whole thing? What about the say I have in my own life? How do you know when your feelings of Not Wanting are normal, and that you should do it anyway versus when it's a real warning not to do it?

These questions are mine, to be answered in time although I could use some answers now, thank you. For now I take comfort in the internet (connections to people - email and blogging), books full of wisdome, being involved in my child's school, spending time with my sister and neice who, FOR NOW, lives 20 minutes away, among other things.

*sigh*

Letting go. It's all about letting go, going with the flow. I'm not used to that and so it feels scary and strange and different and NOT comfortable at all. (I think this is called "normal" as well.)

I just realized this post is not nearly as angry and full of "Life isn't fair! You suck, Life!" as I thought it would be. It's sort of a little more contemplative and open. Hm.

I just want to be okay. Tell me it will be okay. Go on, LIE TO ME if you have to, tell me a platitude or two. I need something to fill the time before those answers arrive.

9 comments:

Of course it will be ok. It sounds like you and OC have been through much rougher transitions. And you have some time to adjust to this one.

I do think that it's completely understandable that you could accept this move, and agree to do it, but still be negative about it. This is human nature, and your husband isn't being reasonable to expect you to agree to the move AND be immediately happy about it. I think this might be a gender thing. I've experienced that dynamic in my household, too. Just because you know that something is the right thing to do in the big picture (or is inevitable), doesn't mean that the heart leaps to immediate acceptance. Still, there is every reason in the world to think that it will get easier over time.

I don't think that you sound unreasonably bitter or angry at all. In fact I marvel at your ability to think it all through, and put it all down in a blog post.

Lots of changes - I'm sorry you're leaving a place you love so much, but good stuff will happen. Maybe you'll even get to see more theatre productions because you'll make special weekend trips to Portland. Hang in there!

You are such a brave, strong soul. I could tell that after spending five minutes with you. :) So yes, you surely WILL be better than "okay," but you are allowed to be upset, contemplative, and downright not ready to go. There certainly is something to be said for "peace." Something to be said for "abiding." But ultimately, like you mentioned, perhaps this move will be life-changing and positive in ways you can't yet see. :)

you're going to be just fine. This is another one of those learning experiences. You're going to make new friends, find new schools, and enjoy life. I've moved loads and each time I worry about all those things and each time, life sorts itself out. Here's to pastures new!

moving is crap. I'm sorry. Change is just really difficult. God love you for trying to figure out the life lesson. I would just be whining. But then again, you'll wake up soon and probably be really happy about the change and the fresh start.

And don't forget you will always, always have someone to hang with when you're in Portland. (But I can't believe I have to read your blog to find out you're moving! Damn, chica--you are hard to keep up with.)