When my ass was 19 years old, I changed the face of professional baseball. I was handed the keys to the kingdom. Multi-million dollar deals. Endorsements. Everyone wanted a piece of my shit. Just a man with a mind for victory and an arm like a fucking canon. But sometimes when you bring the thunder, you get lost in the storm. But a true champion, face to face in his darkest hour will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, fights, and fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies. And my ass ain't no pussy. My ass is a fucking champion.

People say Kenny Powers is a woman hater. That's not true. I love women. Every fucking one of them, even the ugly as shit ones. But don't ask me to trust 'em. Not even nuns, because every pair of tits comes with a gaping hole of need that even Kenny Powers can't fill.

Undaunted, I knew the game was mine to win. Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I'm the man who has the ball; I'm the man who can throw it faster than fuck. So, that is why I'm better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my dick, everyone.

I'm sick and tired for carrying all the weight... the coaches and owners not giving me the shit I need to win. Atlanta, you're fucking out. Kenny Powers is now a free agent. Let's find a bar and get shit-faced. Get me paid, Bitch! Superstar!

Alright, so let me get this straight. So I'm gonna pay for a blow job, and I gotta pay for a goddamned hotel room too? Well that seems like I'm spending too much money for nothin'. I got a house. You can just get your ass over here and I could just do the blow job here. And can I wear the 'SCREAM' mask? The mask from 'SCREAM'... when I do you from behind. Hello? Hey!

Don't get all excited, dude. 3D is gay. Nobody wants to sit on a couch, wearing glasses, popping bubbles out of the air like some sorta fucked up Ray Charles. Oh, you like 3D? Well here's a burrito, coming right at ya!

A lot of people ask me, 'Kenny Powers, you're a giant star. You can get any woman. Have you ever paid for sex?' And the answer is yes, I have. And it's actually kinda cool. You can negotiate practically anything and sometimes, even just kind of do stuff in the moment that you never agreed to pay for and it goes by without much argument.

You boys ever tag team anybody? Beat up any kids in your neighborhood? When we were kids, me and your dad used to beat the shit out of these retard brothers that used to live down the street from us. Hilarious. I mean, this guy was the most ruthless one. Now, I'm sitting here, he's got a family. He's got a nice shirt on. Mongoloid Mike? Is that what you used to call him? Bust his head open with a stick? Remember that?

This one coach tried to put me on a weight training program, and I was all like, 'You and your weights can fuck off somewhere. I'm not lifting that shit. It's heavy. You tell me why I need strength training when I'm strong enough to throw a goddamn 100 mile per hour pitch? Fuck that.

One time I was invited to come to a social gathering. I was paid a hansom amount of money and I brought a shotgun and a bottle of Tanqueray and showed those people the best fucking time they've ever seen.