Bachelor recap S5 E11: Simone’s trainwreck of a day

The Bachelor recap is back again and this week we get to see a send-off episode of laughs, despair and serious moaning problems.

After the swift exit of our favourite sassy and love-to-hate bachelorette, Jen, the remaining girls in The Bachelor mansion can’t wait to bitch about her. Ironic huh.

The remaining contestants begin to discuss who hasn’t gone on a single date yet. *cough cough* enter stage Simone. Then, postman Osher comes strolling in with his casual Andrew G attire on from literally the other side of the mansion with no date card in sight.

I am slightly worried where he pulls it out from and how long it has been there. Just like mail from Uncle Andy, I like to leave it for at least five days before I open it, that way the desperation and lust leak out.

Osher pulls the date card out of nowhere like magic with “ooooohs” and “ahhhhhhhs” coming from the girls. He then literally expresses the premise of how to win the show is to spend time with Matty which is completely ridiculous because MATTY J is the only one that can control that. Who would’ve thought the man would have complete control of the relationship.

Simone is disappointed again as she doesn’t get a single date and Laura does, and the narrative of a sad, depressed, dateless Simone goes on. Enjoy the penultimate episode of her demise! Don’t worry hun, he’ll pick you for something. Maybe.

They then talk about their star signs and their related traits and when I say they I mean Laura. It’s not that I don’t like Laura, it’s that I don’t Like Georgia. It’s too much Georgia Love 2.0 for me and I’m just not into Matty getting with his ex. It’s a bit masochistic to be honest. A “hey, I’m gonna get with my ex’s lookalike so she can dump me again” kind of deal.

Back to Matty’s boring-ass date.

They wind up at the observatory which for some reason Laura thinks is a conservatorium, which would be correct if they were singing ‘Twinkle twinkle little star’.

At the observatory, they have a meeting with a psychic that tells them that Laura is holding back (funny how Matty thought that as well. Everyone seems to know the future these days *cough* scripted *cough*).

Matty then attempts to be all lovey dovey with Laura by letting her name a lonely star in the solar system. Nothing is more romantic then looking and naming a