Millionaire Archaeologist Lara Croft Dead In Apparent Suicide

Thailand, Southeast Asia — Millionaire archeologist and adventurer Lara Croft has died in an apparent suicide by drowning, lawyers for her estate revealed today.

Croft’s tragic death comes just as she was embarking on an expedition to locate Thor’s hammer and gain entrance to the Norse underworld. An eyewitness says it appears she took her own life, deliberately submerging herself beneath the waves off the Thailand coast after repeatedly trying, and failing, to scale a sheer cliff wall.

“I watched her trying to climb this ridiculously steep cliff, clinging from tiny handholds and leaping across chasms,” one bystander said. “She kept falling, though, all the way back down into the water where she started, and kept having to try again.”

After numerous failed attempts, the eyewitness says Croft, frustrated, appeared to give up.

“After her last fall, she just swam down and floated beneath the surface of the water. She did not appear to be in physical distress, and her yacht was anchored not far away. She just deliberately floated down there until she ran out of air.”

“I’m completely shocked by this, but in a way, I can totally see why she did it,” the eyewitness continued. “I was getting frustrated and annoyed just watching her trying to scale those cliffs. I can only imagine how irritating it was for her.”

Though the waters Croft perished in are known for large, dangerous sharks, it does not appear they contributed to her death.

“There were a few sharks present when she initially dove off her yacht, but she quickly swam after them and shot them to death,” the eyewitness said.

“They’re endangered, you know,” he added. “The sharks. Like a lot of the animals she pumps bullets into. I’m just saying.”

“I’ve been there, too, in that frame of mind,” said Link, an adventurer in Hyrule, upon hearing of Croft’s suicide. “I’ve been so exasperated that I’ve wanted to drown myself. That water temple? Talk about frustrating. So many times I just wanted to take off my Zora Tunic and put on my iron boots and let the water fill my lungs and be done with it.”

“When you get overwhelmed, and you think about drowning yourself, you just have to find a healthy outlet for your anger,” he continued. “I usually take out my frustrations by swinging my sword at my annoying fairy guide. That does the trick.”

“I just wish Lara had called me,” Link said. “Maybe I could have talked her out of it.”

Comments

In a startling turn of events, another body of the Archeologist was found at her mansion, apparently shot. The two bodies were compared at the mourge, and the second was found to be considerably more “Dark” and “Edgy” than the first. When pressed for comment, police officials said “Well, this is sort of stupid.”

Oh shut up you slut. I saw you with that fat douche Talon. How COULD you?! I mean, I would understand if it were someone, you know, normal, but Jesus, HIM? I don’t even want to talk to you right now, I’m grieving. Go give your little rancher friend a milkshake, WHORE!

Us here at Q.S.S.L. (Quick Save saves Lives) find this another terrible example of how the lack of portable time travel devices allowing heros to quickly travel to a point just before the messed up kills.

Oh these heros want the challenge of adventures without quick save backing them up, but BAM! one jumping puzzle to far and we find our nations favorite heros dead in a pool of water.

Storys like this make us SICK. These heros just don’t know what they want, and Quick Save should be forced on them.

Later that evening Police received hundreds of noise complaints from PETA headquarters. The squad car sent to investigate found large numbers of heavily inebriated animals and PETA employees. After a short scuffle with several drunk elephants, all of the suspects were sent to the zoo for treatment, except for the PETA employees who were all horrifically mauled by several wasted tigers shortly after police arrived. Police reports said that this is the second time such an disturbance has occurred, the last time being when Steve Irwin was killed by a stingray.

That’s a real shame you know, water claims so many damn lives everyday, when people jump into it only to die instantly and inexplicably as if it was acid. Though then again, Vice City didn’t exactly have the tightest industrial regulations, the pricks…

She reminds me of my friend Indiana Jones, who once tried to swim into a cold river and plunged into it instantly, leaving only his hat to swim off for Russians to nab. Thankfully I got it before then, though I’m afraid to touch it, cause’ it’s still a little soggy and only the top is dry enough to hold…

Also, what is this “swimming” she was partaking in? Is it like dealing drugs? Or shooting prostitutes? Beats me…

I feel your pain. So we’ve got this horde of zombies chasing us, right? Ellis decides to jump in the water, because “zombies can’t swim!” The next thing you know, he falls to the bottom like a lead weight and drowns! Good thing it was Campaign mode – we found him in a broom closet further on.

Hey, don’t implicate me in this. Not my fault the bitch wanted to steal my stuff. And why the hell was she looking in Thailand? I’m a NORSE god, from NORWAY. For me’s sake, why would hide my huge important hammer in Thailand? I think she just wanted a holiday. And to shoot some more endangered species. There aren’t that many exotic species in Norway. Apart from the dragons, but we ignore them.

Can I make a suggestion? I feel youve acquired one thing good here. However what if you happen to added a pair links to a web page that backs up what youre saying? Or perhaps you possibly can give us something to take a look at, something that would join what youre saying to one thing tangible? Only a suggestion. Anyway, in my language, there will not be a lot good supply like this.

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