Good morning, Mamma. You know I hardly ever post on Sundays. But I have an idea for you. Something I hope you try tonight.

See, my family has done a Sunday night family meeting for forever; around fourteen years now. Ever since our youngest was just a toddler. This is a cornerstone of our family.

We take turns being the leader (we let the kids start taking turns as leader once they turned 3 years old); the leader gets to pick Sunday night dinner, dessert and leads the meeting.

The coolest part of this years-long tradition is that it has allowed me to get to know my children. And it’s given me a tool to let them know me too. I know who is struggling with school. I know what subject they feel they are doing best in. I found out when the neighbor kids were being mean. I know who loves to be outdoors. I found out what their favorite dinner was and how they felt about my being gone for work. They heard about my week. How I missed them, what crazy stuff I did to get home in time for the soccer game.

It also taught them listening and leadership. And they know each other. Huge.

We open with a short, simple prayer, we close with a prayer, and in between we talk about our week. The best stuff, the toughest stuff, stuff we’re proud of or were hurt by. If there are any outstanding issues, we address them here. (Okay, so we need to talk about where we are going for Thanksgiving this year…)

When they were little it was simple: I liked playing on the playground this week. I liked that mom made pudding. Yesterday, with my now grown children, we talked about a recent suicide on campus. Huge conversation. So valuable.

Over the years, we’ve talked about everything it seems. Why are some kids mean? Why are some grown-ups mean? What does it mean to be a good person, a good member of this family, a good student? We’ve talked about failure. Failure is an inevitable and important part of life. Gracious in victory and gracious in defeat, I tell my kids. You’re going to fail, that’s not the important part, the important part is what you do after you fail. What did you learn? How will you do things differently moving forward? You know we still love you, right?

My husband typically adds the humor, as needed. Our youngest is fast picking up that torch. It’s a good skill.

NO phones. Phones have to be in another room and on silent. No TV. Just family sitting in a circle, listening to each other.

Try it tonight. A family meeting. Get your husband’s buy-in because you guys are a team, and then, sure, just spring it on the kiddos. Tell them this afternoon. We’re going to do this thing after dinner tonight. Pick an object (we use a wooden spoon) to be your Talking Thing. Whoever is in possession of (in our house) The Talking Spoon is the one holding the floor. Our job is to listen to and respond to that person. We pass the Talking Spoon back to the leader as our sign that we are done with our turn.

It probably won’t be perfect the first go-round, but try. You’ll be AMAZED at what you find out about your kids. And they’ll be amazed to find you listening to them.

Good morning, darling. How has your week been so far? I had a chance to talk with a lovely young woman over the last couple days and one of the things we talked about was what we women, as individuals, think we deserve. Wow. Such an interesting conversation.

Do you think you deserve good things? Are you strong in standing up for your own wishes and desires? Do you think you deserve to be treated with respect? After your little self-evaluation above, WHY do you think those things?

Do you ever call yourself pathetic? Why?

Do you ever call yourself a dummie? Why?

Do you make excuses for other people who are treating you badly? Stop it. Just stop it right now.

Yes, we are all different. Yes, there are different ways to live in and see the world. Yes, you have a right to your opinion, but if someone’s opinion is ripping into something I treasure and love, then I need to put a barrier up to protect myself from that person.

I am not perfect. There are wonderful, loving folks who have spoken the truth in love into my life, and they have helped me to be a better person. Constructive, loving conversation, sincerely concerned friends and family with gentle words is not what I am talking about here.

It’s the words-as-weapons I want you to protect yourself from. Someone who contemptuously or angrily cuts you down. That’s not loving or helpful, and you have my permission to step away from that.

And, wait, yes, husbands and wives do get angry, and every once-in-a-blue-moon we say something (or shout something) in anger we wish we could take back. And then we (BOTH!) apologize, we ask and give forgiveness, and we find a better way.

But, sister, if he is doing that sh*t weekly? Or, heaven forbid, daily? If he throws things, threatens harm to you, calls you names? You need to get away.

And how about the women in our lives who look at us with that snide face, you know the one, and say, “You do THAT??? Oh…” And a part of you withers, right there. Stay away from those girls, my love. Leave them to their poison.

If you want to stay home, stay home. If you want to work, work. If you want to camp for the weekend, camp. If you want to make your children homemade muffins for breakfast, do it. By God, you don’t have to make excuses for your life to anyone.

You are a beautiful, imperfect, amazing child of God. The mysterious Creator put you down here for a reason and that reason was not to be torn down, punished or disrespected.

Good morning, darling. How was your weekend? Wonderful, I hope. Mostly wonderful, that works too.

I am making my bed again. It’s been about twenty years since I made my bed on anything like a routine (or monthly, even) basis.

That’s how long it took between my first-born arriving on the scene and my youngest getting to the point where he is dressing himself, doing his schoolwork with no reminding, doing laundry and helping me to make meals and clean. That level of help will change a life for sure. All of a sudden, I have time to make my bed.

For years though, I didn’t. And I didn’t feel bad about it. I needed that five minutes in the morning. I needed every minute I could get. I would literally jog from my car to the building in parking lots to save the additional time getting into a store or a customer’s office.

I figured if I saved 25 minutes total throughout the day, that’s time I got to read to my kids before bed. And I LOVED that. It filled my soul. I needed that time with my kiddos.

Twenty-five minutes. That’s the difference between making dinner (even if dinner is sliced apples, crackers and peanut butter) and having to order take-out pizza because I’m out of time and energy.

For me, it was about priorities, and making my bed didn’t make the list.

You are the one who knows what your life needs. Do you like the way your day unfolds? Your week? Are you getting enough time with the kids? When was the last time you kissed your husband? Is the vessel of your soul, of your mommy energy full or empty?

If you aren’t happy, if you are yelling at the kids at the end of the day and hating yourself for it, if you feel thisclose to bursting into tears, look at what you can change.

Time. Priorities. Rotisserie chicken, goldfish crackers and grapes, that’s a perfectly fine dinner. There is no law that says you have to make your kid’s birthday cake (unless you want to). Neither does it list as one of the ten commandments “Thou shalt clean thy own house”. Make sure that you are living by your rules, priorities and expectations, and not someone else’s. Don’t give a damn what “they” think. Please.

Make room somewhere, sister. Make room in your life for what you love.

Good morning, Mamma. Happy Thursday! Stay connected to your kids day. Your day to look at the week so far and assess your family ties. Your day to decide what’s good and what needs to change and to plan the weekend.

I recently had an opportunity to ask my daughter what she remembered. Of all the hours and days and years I spent parenting that child, what were her favorite memories?

She was glad to be close to her siblings. I staunchly refused to referee in their little disputes when they were growing up. “He hit me!” “You two are going to be together for the rest of your lives. It is up to you whether that relationship is going to be a good one or a bad one. Now go downstairs and work out a compromise and then come up here and tell Daddy and I what you worked out.” When they were little, and arguing over a toy, we never bothered to find out who had “started it”. We immediately took the toy away and put it in the top of a closet. They got all their toys back on Sunday. Some weeks, that closet got crowded.

She loved the times we spent outdoors. Camping, kayaking, simply hiking through a local park. This is so easy to put together, and some of her very favorite memories came from these times together outdoors. She loved climbing trees and canoeing and hiking to have outdoor lunch on the top of 3,000 ft high mountain. A baby mountain, yes, but a challenge for a kid, and one of her favorite memories.

She loved our girly shopping days. It didn’t matter if our shop was at TJ Maxx, Nordstrom or a consignment store, what she loved was being together, just the two of us, and putting outfits together that let her feel classy, fashionable, womanly. We talked a lot as she was growing up about “what your style says about you and how it will impact people’s expectations of you”. She was grateful for those lessons.

She loved when Daddy would get up on a Saturday and make from scratch waffles with strawberry compote. She loved it when I decorated her locker the morning I had to leave for a business trip on her birthday (showed up at her school at 6:45 to do it, flight left at 8:10, that was a close one). She loved it when we would make buttered popcorn, sprinkle it with frozen Junior Mints and snuggle up in front of a movie. She loved it when we skipped the Super Bowl party and went skiing at a local resort. We had the hills all to ourselves and the night was gorgeous.

Make some memories this weekend, Mamma. Give them something to take to college with them someday. You’re both going to need it.

Good morning, Mamma. So, last night we spent an hour honoring each other after dinner. So cool. One of my favorite things. We sat around the table and, person by person, talked about what we loved and admired in each other. Starting with younger brother, then sister, and so on. It was beautiful. So beautiful.

Starting this morning and continuing into the week, my crew departs for colleges and jobs in other states. We won’t be together again till Thanksgiving. Knowing this, last night was particularly poignant.

We’ve done this honoring thing for as long as I can remember. When the kids were little it would be, “let’s all say one nice thing about the person sitting next to you,” or “everyone is going to say one nice thing about Daddy”.

Such good stuff, on so many levels. Public praise, from those closest to you, is a powerful and beautiful thing. Try this and watch your children soak up the words. being said about them. They will sit, wide eyed and a little uncomfortable, but hanging on every word.

And generally speaking, you get more of the behavior you reward. By praising your kids in public, you reward them for the good things they do and they are more likely to be that best self more often.

Honoring like this also brings your children closer. In everyday life, we just don’t tell the people we love what we love about them often enough. To give your kids a structure and a forum to say these wonderful things out loud allows this relationship building to happen. It’s pretty completely wonderful to watch this happen.

Finally, identity is huge. Who your kids think they are is pretty much who they are going to be. When you honor them publically for the best that they do, you help to build this positive identity.

Last night, I watched as my kids told each other they were brave, hard working, strong, courageous, loving, funny, driven, perseverant, caring and joyful. I also got to sit as they told me they appreciated how hard I work to keep our family close (wonderful to hear… you notice!). I got to tell them all the ways that they are wonderful.

After an hour of this, everyone gets up from the table thinking, “I am hard working! I keep at it, even when the going gets tough! I am a caring person, I make the world a better place.” There is a glow that remains from this kind of love-out-loud. They’ll carry it with them. So will you.

Try it tonight with your own crew over dinner. You start, so that your kids will have an idea of how it works. “Let’s all say one thing we love and respect about Johnny. I’ll start. Johnny, I love how you cleaned your room so well this week – you did a great job. You are such a responsible kid,” or “Johnny, I really respect the courage you showed when you dove into basketball camp. It’s not easy to meet new people or learn new skills, but you just got in there and worked hard and I really respect you for it.”

Good morning, Mamma. Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t be close to your teenagers – you can stay close, even through their teen years.

This truth was a gift given to me by a woman I met in passing, many years ago. As I recall, my daughter was about ten years old at the time. Over a working lunch, I mused out loud about how I dreaded the teen years and how daughter and I would inevitably drift apart.

(It amazes me that this comment, made in passing by an almost total stranger, changed my life. God moments.)

Our oldest was about fourteen at the time. The next time he got a little surly, I said to him, thinking of my lunch-lady-sage, “Hey, honey. I know that you are turning into a man. I know that you are going to need to grow into your own life and be independent from me, make your own decisions, be your own person, I get that and I respect it. I get that you need to separate yourself from me to make that happen. I will let you be independent. I will let you be your own person. You don’t have to push me away, okay?”

The effect of this little speech was shocking. My son’s guard came crashing down. He went from pushing me away to something more like, “Wait! I’m not ready to be independent from you yet!” He thanked me and hugged me and said something about how he still needed me.

I repeated the speech to son maybe once or twice more over the years and added, “I’m still going to call you on your decisions if I see you going somewhere I think is beneath you or unhealthy, but it’s because I want you to be the best man you can be.”

Somewhere around age thirteen, I said the same to daughter, again, not more than two or three times total. It had the same dramatic effect with her. The same stop-the-presses kind of moment.

I let my kids know that I recognized and respected that they would need to be their own independent self, and that part of that would include a separation from mom. I also let them know that I would continue to love them, no matter what. I framed my advice as just that, advice, and not an effort to control their lives.

For us, it worked. Thank you wonderful lady-at-lunch. A thousand times, thank you.

You can still stay close. Even as they are breaking away. Expectations are so very powerful. And truth, and love, and respect, those are powerful too.

Hey, girl, how are you? I’m on a plane right now, Chicago here I come. Lovely little Midway airport. Manageable, bite-sized little airport where everyone smiles because they are not fighting the crowds at O’Hare.

How are you? What are you up to this week? Do you have your goals written down? For the quarter, for the week, for today? And are you remembering to take care of your family, your marriage, yourself, along with those Power Point presentations? And customer calls. And budget meetings.

Balance. I love and I hate that word. I love the idea, but really, there is no “balance” in our lives. No magical perfect point at which, if we arrange everything just so, our lives will be calm and harmonious. Nope, no balance. There are just too many variables. (Ear infection, flat tire, 8AM phone call from the boss asking you to rescue customer A1…) But there is trying, and there is pivoting as needed, and there is grace and forgiveness when something goes awry. Functional, happy life, yes. Balance, not so much.

I was still figuring out rides for my kids in the kitchen this morning. We had Plan A (Dad), Plan B (big brother) and Plan C (the nice family whose son is also on the basketball team). Thank God for cell phones, the kids will check their texts after school (their school has a zero cell phone policy during the day, which I love) to see how they are getting to their various activities. Not ideal, but this is our reality for today.

At least until I make it big and can hire a chauffeur. And a cook. And a gardener. Oooh, and a stylist! I digress.

Juggle. Juggle like the magician you are, Mamma. Juggle while keeping your core values in the front of your mind.

My core values:
* God – Am I being ethical and honest in all I do? Did I say thank you for all the blessings God has given me today?
* Family – Am I meeting my family’s needs? Do I know my family’s needs? Am I communicating to them the back and forth of our days so that they never feel like they are walking blind? Did I tell them I love them today? Touch them? Look them in the eye?
* Worker – Am I giving my company great energy and my full intelligence? Am I doing excellent work? Am I supporting my team?
* Writing – This blog. My Mamma friends. Love you, ladies.
* Athlete – Did I move my body today? I need to be fully functional and fully energized in order to meet all my other obligations. I have to be healthy to do that. Walk by the McD’s sister, your body needs better.
* Giver – Did I give back to the world today? Help someone who needed a little support? To whom much is given, much is expected, and I’m pretty darn blessed.
* Woman – Have I indulged in the feminine side of me? The side that needs to be fed with beauty, softness, and an occasional Walt Whitman poem? Don’t forget her in all the achieving and taking care of others. She gets lonely.

How about you, darling? What is your list? Take time to think about it, consider writing it down by hand because there is tremendous power in that exercise. Values, goals. Thoreau’s well-examined life.

Busy, yes, but mindfully lived, even as you run through the airport (Parking lot? Grocery store?) like a crazy woman.

How can you teach your children it’s okay to fail? No only okay, but a necessary and unavoidable part of growth?

Good morning, Mommy. Failure is learning. Every baby fell before they walked. We help our children when we teach them to see their failures as insight and growth. This is an important lesson throughout life, and crucial as they approach Junior High.

In their book Switch, Chip and Dan Heath describe what they call the growth mindset this way, “We will struggle, we will fail, we will be knocked down-but throughout, we’ll get better, and we’ll succeed in the end.”

The alternative is a “fixed mindset” – (I suck, I am stupid). The fixed mindset is hopeless. The growth mindset is optimistic. The fixed mindset sees every failure as evidence of one’s inferior worth. The growth mindset sees failure as part of the process of getting better.

Everything is hard before it’s easy. Walking, violin, marriage… we give our children a life-long gift when we teach them to embrace a learning curve on the way to success.

In an article describing her book, Mindset, Standford Psychology professor Carol Dweck describes an experiment where they taught two groups of students in an effort to see what would improve their school performance. One group was taught traditional study skills, the other group was taught the growth mindset, they were taught that the brain is like a muscle and you can get better, smarter with work. The growth mindset group had massively better results.

What does this sound like when talking to a kid? “That’s okay, honey, everyone falls down when they are learning to ride a bike. Next time, you’ll be better. What did you learn this time?” or “62% on your math exam? Ouch, I’m sure that doesn’t feel good. So you haven’t learned the material yet, how can you approach studying differently to crack this code? Would you like to meet with the teacher to talk it through one-on-one? I know you’ll get it with a little more work.” or “I’m not worried that it didn’t work out yet, what did you learn? Will you try it differently next time?”

Check out the movie, “Meet the Robinson’s”. It’s a quirky little tale that includes a lesson on the importance of embracing failure as a step on the road to success.

The gift we give our children (and ourselves) when we teach a growth mindset is the gift of possibility.

Dear my kids. So it’s that time of year again when the ads all tell you that you need to get me flowers/candy/expensive-spa-treatments for Mother’s Day, because then I’ll know you REALLY love me.

You are hereby absolved from buying me anything in an effort to tell me you really love me. I know you love me, darling. I know it to my core, lucky me.

Instead, write me a letter; tell me what it’s like to be my kid or tell me what you appreciate about me. Go for a walk with me, let me hold your hand again, just for a little bit, like I did when you were little. Or let’s pop some popcorn, pull the Junior Mints out of the freezer and have a Jane Austen movie marathon!

Time, you know, time and knowing what’s in your heart, that’s all I’ve ever wanted. The best gifts cannot be wrapped.
Oh, I loved it when you brought me breakfast in bed when you were little. Mostly I loved to hear you clanking around in the kitchen downstairs. You were so proud of your efforts – I loved that. And the handmade cards? I still have them.

When you get down to it, YOU are the best gift I ever received. Just you. No flowers or candy or breakfast in bed required. You changed my life, children of mine. You blew life and color and noise and joy into my every day and I thank God for it. Thank God for you.

Good morning, Mamma! Happy Friday! Are you ready for the weekend? Me too.

I watched a video called “Fish Love” with my daughter last night. She has been asking me about relationships lately, how you “know” a person is the right person for you. The video was part of a much longer conversation she and I have been having for years.

We had six hours in the car on a college visit earlier this week, just she and I. It was wonderful. Epic. I loved it so much.

A little background: We don’t let our kids date till they’re sixteen. Our son chose to date a bit in high school; our daughter has not dated yet (she’s a senior now, eighteen.) She hasn’t taken any kind of dramatic vow, and it’s not that she hasn’t been asked, she’s had a number of very sweet and respectful what-are-you-doing-this-weekends from half a dozen boys and one girl (that was an interesting conversation).

She and her friends go out – swing dancing, movies, museums. They get together to run, to play Frisbee, to play board games at home with mom bringing snacks to them by the plateful.

I wish I had been so smart.

My daughter, to her credit, doesn’t want to date for the sake of dating. She has decided to wait until she finds someone she can imagine being with for the long run. She has started thinking very seriously about this recently so the depth and intensity of our conversations has ramped up.

You need to respect each other, I told her, that’s a must-have. You don’t want someone you need to walk behind, nor someone you have to drag along, you want someone who will stand side-by-side with you and pull the plow together.

And it helps if you have that playful thing going; life gets hard, play will help to get you through those times. You have to be able to communicate, even when it’s hard; if you’re afraid to talk to him, the relationship won’t work. And you have to have trust, that’s another must-have. It’s not that neither of you will make mistakes, in fact, I guarantee both of you will make mistakes, it’s just that you need to know in your core that your man will choose to be there for the long-haul, even when it’s hard. I told her that it helps if you have similar taste – not that you have to like all the same things, but you have to have some kind of shared interest. (And I-want-to-kiss-you is important, but it isn’t enough of a shared interest.)

Whomever you pick, no matter how wonderful they are, they will be imperfect, and they will eventually do something to hurt you, and you, by the way, aren’t perfect either, you will do something at some point that will hurt them too. You just have to look at the balance, the good and the difficult, the supports and the hurts, and ideally choose someone who will bring more joy than pain into the relationship.

Whomever you pick, it will be work. Everything in life takes work. It doesn’t matter if you’re talking about a garden, a baseball mitt or a relationship, if you want something to last, you have to take care of it.

You can have a great life with more than one person, that is, there is no One Perfect Person For Me out there, waiting to be found. Your life will look different depending on which person you pick, but there are a number of people you could have a good life with. When you do choose, that act of commitment, that trust, that forsaking all others, is part of what makes your relationship strong. That choice, that act of choosing, that choosing every day, brings something beautiful to that relationship. To choose to be there, even when you meet a new someone you are attracted to, because you will meet another someone you are attracted to, you’re still human, so be ready for that too.

I’m-with-you-as-long-as-you-make-me-happy is not a relationship to be aspired to.

…This morning, my husband and I decided to carve Sunday afternoon out for ourselves. Date-Day. All that talking with my daughter reminded me that I need to curate and nurture my own relationship. Too easy to get too busy.

What do you think, Mamma? How did I do? Anything else you think I should have told my girl? We’re going to have another long ride tomorrow; I expect it’ll come up again.