If your life feels anything like mine lately, it’s been a tad intense. The simplest tasks have required an incredible amount of effort…more so than it seems they should. It’s taking longer to accomplish anything than I think it should, or than it has in the past, and after completing only one or two items on my list I’m ready for a very, very long nap.

Additionally, I’m feeling a lot of emotions…intensely and sometimes in a blender…all muddled up so that I’m not entirely certain what I’m feeling…just that I’m feeling something and it’s really really strong. And those strong emotions happen in the oddest of moments…something very insignificant and small brings up all kinds of crap that seems to be unrelated to the situation at hand, and I have, on occasion, found myself feeling foolish and embarrassed afterwards, uncertain exactly as to what just happened.

Some clients of mine are feeling something a bit different. They’re experiencing a profoundly deep sense of loss, abandonment, fear, and uncertainty. There is a sense of not knowing where they’re going or what to do next, and a sense of isolation that is causing them to want to reach out and connect with others in an almost desperate way…sometimes even to people they know aren’t the best for them, but the desire to be with them is almost overwhelming.

Still others I’ve observed are feeling unsafe because they don’t know what’s going on…just that something is happening and that they can’t control it or stop it or change it, so they feel as though their entire life is spiraling out of control. In response, they seek to control their outer world as much as possible, hoping that it will alleviate the internal cyclone that is raging. These same people are also experiencing an opportunity to increase personal responsibility through accountability, but are resisting it because it feels unsafe. To be held accountable for something equates to being corrected, which equates to being disciplined, which equates to being punished, which means (to them) that they are a bad person. Therefore, because they receive the message that they are a bad person, it then is translated to mean that they are either not good enough or not loveable. So, they resist and defend and excuse their attitudes or words or behavior because it’s unsafe to admit the truth.

In working with my clients, I’ve noticed an interesting pattern that beautifully describes and/or explains the process that is generating these experiences. It’s related to this theme of Resurrection, as well as the theme that will be present for this next moon cycle…puzzle pieces.

We’ve each created a life for ourselves using puzzle pieces that we’ve collected along the path of life or lives. The resulting picture is one that has guided us or defined us and has been helpful and beneficial for us…until now. Over the past year it has become increasingly clear that this picture we have used is no longer as useful or effective as it once was, and in the past six weeks we have been handed a new picture for our puzzle…using the same pieces but in a different configuration.

This new configuration will have gaps…because it’s a bigger picture with room for new ideas, new adventures, new people, new projects, and new potentials. In time, the gaps will fill, and the new picture will make sense, but at the moment it doesn’t. This is because in this moment all the pieces are disconnected from one other so that they can be put together in a new way. In this disconnected state, there is no reference point from which an individual piece can identify itself because the new picture orientation hasn’t fully completed. And, it may not fully complete before the pieces begin to come together again, resulting in a feeling of uncertainty, disorientation, confusion, and panic as we wait for clarity.

This, then, is the key…the theme for this cycle…waiting…with Love.

This is not a passive waiting, nor is the Love an external love. The Love is an unconditional self-directed Love that we actively practice daily…or hourly…or breath-ly. It will require slowing down, accomplishing less within each day, and giving ourselves permission to let that be ok. It will require holding a space of compassion for ourselves and our limitations during this time, accepting these limitations and letting those limitations be ok. It will require an adjustment of our thoughts towards ourselves, and saying affirmations of love and support toward ourselves so that our limitations are not entangled definitions of our worthiness, or lack of worthiness, of love. It will require a daily practice of some kind of act of kindness or love towards ourselves…such as a salt bath or a massage or dancing or reading a favorite book or doing your nails or getting a hair cut or taking a vacation or taking a nap or cancelling an appointment. Whatever someone does or says or gives to you that evokes a sense of love within, do for yourself. Create that feeling within, so that there is no dependence on another to provide that feeling for you…because, let’s be honest, right now, with this energetic configuration, you might not be able to depend on anyone giving you what you need…except yourself.

This is all being played out astrologically as well. This new moon is in Taurus, an earth sign, and a sign of personal security and luxury and wealth. Taurus wants material comfort and will work patiently and diligently to achieve it. It is also a sign of sensuality and pleasure, it’s ruling planet being Venus, the goddess of love in all its forms. So, by focusing on the things that bring you pleasure, you will be magnifying Love in your life and elevating your mood and frequency above the muddled confusion of this restructuring time.

Additionally, Venus is currently in Cancer, a water sign, ruled by the moon. This particular water sign deals with the emotions of the home life, signifying the potentials for long-standing issues at home to come to the surface for healing and growth. Mercury will also begin its retrograde motion during this time, offering many opportunities for slowing down and choosing words carefully when communicating with loved ones…especially towards yourself.

As with all Mercury retrogrades, take the time to slow down and adjust your timing mechanisms so that you can easily flow through these next three weeks. Stay present and go within in order to maximize the benefits that this space has to offer you. And, be aware that there are many around you who won’t be doing this, so be particularly careful while driving, speak slowly and softly, and avoid unnecessary stimulation as emotions will be running high in others not practicing self-love.

Things will balance out again in mid-June, so take heart and keep going. Each breath is an opportunity to try again…to love again…to practice again…to release and heal and evolve…resurrecting from the ashes…building a new picture piece by piece.

May we create the Love we seek, holding it on ourselves, for ourselves, and reflecting our fullness into our outer world…with gentleness and ease.

I suppose, that one could argue that today is the first Mother’s Day I will experience as a mother.

And I’m not excited about it.

In November, after a series of tests for other medical issues, my Beloved and I were told by the medical community that we wouldn’t be able to have children without significant fertility intervention. We discussed the pros and cons of our particular situation and quickly, and mutually, agreed that neither of us wanted children badly enough to force the issue. Instead, we decided to focus on keeping our bodies as healthy as possible, and began to plan a life of activities involving just the two of us.

Sometime within the following week, we unknowingly got pregnant.

And we are still pregnant…and still in shock.

And somehow, this pregnancy seems to qualify me as a mother worthy of being celebrated on Mother’s Day.

Why?

Why does this belly parasite usher me into a special and exclusive club that I was never welcomed into before? I have such a multitude of feelings around this entire experience that I really don’t know what to do with them or even all of what I’m feeling.

Because, I could argue that I’ve already been a mother. I cared for my cat Macavity for 20 years. I’ve mothered other people’s children as a surrogate Auntie, librarian, and teacher for 20 years. I’ve mothered myself through several painful transitions and transformations throughout my life, and in my opinion, any one of these scenarios qualifies me as being a mother. Thus, I could have been celebrating Mother’s Day as a mother this entire time.

And yet, I feel that these same things don’t qualify me to celebrate the day as a mother. Mother’s Day to me feels similar to telling my boss all the great things I’ve done and then asking for a raise. Inappropriate. Rather, the holiday feels to me like a day in which children honor their mothers out of a space of gratitude and appreciation. For me to tout what I have done feels inappropriate to me because I will do and be the same with or without accolades or acknowledgment and if another wants to honor that about me because he/she has noticed and values and appreciates me and what I do, he/she is welcome to do so.

And here is where the difficulty lies, because I am sensitive to the struggles and heartaches of the people around me regarding Mother’s Day and motherhood…acutely aware that their realities and perspectives are very different from mine and that I never wish for my differences to discredit their lives or experiences or desires.

For some of them, their mothers are no longer living, and no amount of joy and love from their own children (if they have children) can fill that longing for the security and safety of their mothers’ voice and arms. For some others, their relationships with their mothers are strained or difficult or non-existent and this day simply highlights everything that they desire but cannot have with their mothers. Still others desperately desire to be mothers and have children of their own but cannot. Or, they have lost children through miscarriages or abortion or adoption or kidnapping or accidents or violence or natural disasters. And then there are those who have no desire to have children and, while they are comfortable with this fact, this day can challenge them with inner doubts or ridiculously narrow societal pressures and expectations.

This last one I know very well. I have been single for a significant portion of my life, and, for the most part, chose that way of living. I have been particular about with whom I share my life…including friends. So, I wasn’t about to partner with just anyone, which also meant that neither was I all that concerned with having children. Not really. I did have a part of me that wished to have a Beloved partner and fabulous family, but I had seen women who really shouldn’t have been mothers, and I felt like if I did have children I would probably be considered one of those mothers…especially by me.

I know myself. I know that I like a quiet and calm life. My home is my haven. I am an introvert, and too much stimulation (which can happen very easily and quickly), sends me into my room where I seek silence, darkness, and aloneness. While I do enjoy children and have spent a significant amount of my life working with them, I also enjoy sending them back to their parents. But now. Unexpectedly. I am to have a child. And, 25 weeks later, I’m still working through my complex and conflicting emotions about it.

I feel a bit like those sole survivors of accidents…struggling with guilt for having what so many others want or mourn the loss of, but I never wanted or longed for…feeling the pressure to do something significant as a mother because of the blessings of my circumstances…knowing that I am not the person who coos and loves over babies, facing the fear, each day of my pregnancy, that my inner needs and personality will result in me being a “bad mother” to my child.

One such inner need is individuation. My identity has always been very much separate from my cat, my students, and any other children I’ve worked with or cared for…including the one in my belly. In fact, the one in my belly is already showing me where my boundaries lie…that I am unwilling to let this child define me, my space, and my attention…that I am willing to make room for him in my life, but my identity still needs cultivating and nurturing separately from him. And, from what I have seen in society, this perspective is definitely not the norm, hence I’m concerned that who I am, inherently, is not conducive to being a good or healthy mother.

So. When it comes to the holiday today, I feel all these definitions of mothering and motherhood simultaneously…and it’s pointedly uncomfortable. I have no idea how I will celebrate or mark the day with significance. In all honesty, I’d rather just ignore the day all together and pretend it’s just another Sunday…or focus on celebrating my own mother, who lives with me and with whom I have always had a very close and wonderful relationship. But, I don’t think that running away or ignoring my developing reality is the honorable or courageous thing to do for me. I need to face my confusing and complicated truth of existence, come to terms with it, and find an angle of repose with which I can live peaceably. So. With a deep breath, I will delve into my feels and sit with the discomfort and wait for Wisdom to come.

The theme of Resurrection and Boundaries has been quite prominent in my life over the past several weeks. In some ways, I’ve felt like I’m coming out of the water and breathing air for the first time in a long time, the memory of breathing had been almost forgotten.

For the past six months, my life, again, has been in a constant state of change. I still find it curious that, after so many years of intense and constant change, that the continuation of it is also still so stressful at times. I know that life is movement…I think I’ve finally learned and accepted that truth. And yet, this change I’ve experienced is deep and profound…wordless in its all-encompassing destruction.

And, to be fair, I’ve created this change. I’ve asked for it. I have made this change of direction and internal health the single most important event of my life for seven years. My attention to manifesting the other side has been equally all-consuming. And the results are astonishing.

I’m here.

I did it.

I made it happen.

It actually worked.

Holy *&^$ @#&$ &#&$*@!!!!!!!

Now what?!

Well, now I learn to enjoy the fruits of my labor! I learn to slow down, adjust my energy fields to the now, and maintain all the abundance and support and commitment and peace and Love and joy and connection that is here now.

I resurrect into my new life with a greater understanding and appreciation for the lack of boundaries in it. I can define myself in whatever way I want.

And, I find it so fitting that this process is being reflected to me in my outer world through the artistic community. My local symphony recently performed Mahler’s Second Symphony, also known as The Resurrection, and my local art museum hosted an exhibit on aboriginal art, entitled “No Boundaries.”

As I sat, again, contemplating these aboriginal pieces…wanting to understand what I was seeing and simultaneously fascinated and drawn to them…I saw a paragraph in the exhibition catalogue that seemed to sum up this experience for me:

[For these painters, painting] came in their twilight years, at the time when most would be looking for a quiet retirement. In Western art, we are used to senior, established artists becoming fixed in their ways; stuck repeating the triumphs of their youth. For Aboriginal Australians it is the reverse: it is only because these men were assured in their identity and fully in command of their cultural corpus, that they could leave behind the comfort of old ideas.

So, if you are in the process of transformation, whether it’s in the beginning stages of awareness, discomfort of place, destruction, loss, internal isolation, glimpses of a new direction, seeing the synchronicity of life’s support as you rebuild, or the holding of the final product in your hands, rest assured. None of this could be possible unless you had completed something…assured in your identity and fully in command of your cultural corpus so that you could leave it behind in order to ascend to a new level…a new dimension…a higher existence.