Friday, September 28, 2012

"Adolescence is a time where you act upon your impulse and you leave the tangled knots as is, ignoring loose ends. Adulthood is a time when intuition and reason mix, and I'm not ready for that just yet."

I wrote that when I was just about to turn eighteen, when I thought I was grown just because I was old enough to buy my own cigarettes. Eighteen. Reading the entries eighteen year old Hannah wrote in an old diary, she seems a lot wiser than twenty-three year old me right now. Though, of course, it's different when it comes to how things played out; back then, I thought I knew the world and I thought I knew what it meant to be an adult, to be grown. Back then, I lived inside my head, wrapped around in the shell of my unpleasant and unfortunate experiences, and I analyzed and thought I understood what it meant to be grown without really paying my dues to the growing process.

I guess it's slightly true, what I wrote about adolescence. In retrospect, I was such an impulsive creature, and I couldn't tell the difference between speaking up and speaking out. I've tangled so many knots and just cut them free without even bothering to try to smooth things out, and heaven knows just how many loose ends I've just let hang.

It seems fitting that I came across this old diary of mine, and it's so fitting that this particular line caught my attention. For the past couple weeks, I've been looking into myself, rearranging and discarding a few things here and there, slowly realizing that I wasn't ever so far away from being an adolescent all this time. I kept speaking out when all I needed was to speak up, I kept rebelling with no real cause, and I kept displaying an array of false confidence, like a vain peacock, taking on such a misogynistic air (what an oxymoron!). Through these two weeks of introspection, I realized that I was still acting like I needed to prove something, still acting like I was bound by social and cultural obligations and norms. What a dramatic teen!

I don't think I've ever seen her, the woman I want to be, so clearly. I don't know why it just dawned on me to do the things I've already known for so long to get to her. I guess, I still love to learn things the hard way.

So, here's to me, finally ready to mix intuition and reason. To finally untangling knots and tying loose ends. However, I don't think I'll ever really stop acting on impulse, but I guess it's not really an impulse when you contemplate the action for a couple days after the urge, haha.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

i have been blown away by this little girl! so much soul, so much power, at such a young age! feeling good by nina simone is seriously a hard song to cover, and wow is all i can really say. i even got a little teary! she reminds me of christina aguilera a little, with so much range and jesus fuck such a powerful voice...let's just hope she doesn't end up the same as xtina.

I saw your face in the crowd last night, I saw your face for the slightest glimpse of a second too short. I hoped it was my mind playing a terrible trick on me, malicious with its intent to agonize my heart, but it was really you. Who can ever forget those brown eyes, that crooked smile of yours that added to your own personal charm...I know I couldn't. I can't, and it torments me.

Though I wanted to see you again, more than anything, I wish I hadn't. Now, my thoughts are filled with you, of us, of what we had and what we used to know, and without realizing I'm scanning my surroundings for you. Wherever I go. Because, foolishly, I'm hoping to see you again, by luck, chance, fate, whatever force, cosmic or not, I have on my side. I didn't realize until last night, when my eyes fell on a glimpse of you and my heart jumped up to my throat, just how much I miss you still, how much I haven't let go, forgotten, how much I yearned for you. Your voice, your gaze, your crooked, charming smile, and your touch. Of all things about you, I wanted to hear your laugh again while you held me close as I snuggled up to abolish what little space there was between us.

Space. Almost instantaneously there were miles between us as soon as the word escaped your lips while we sat just a coffee table's length away. Soon enough, there was no more shared closet, your toothbrush was gone and the nights we spent cozily spooning while drifting off into sleep was no more. Your side of the bed turned cold, empty. Then, there were episodes of pride between us that turned those miles into lightyears, my ego in the way of the matters of my heart, and I continued to busy myself in appearing okay, alive without you. I was too busy pretending that I became numb, and seeing you again, quick as it was, brought a wave of feeling over me that I don't know how to handle. I feel young, foolish, full of regret and vulnerable all over.

I saw your face in the crowd last night, and I saw the girl that made you smile your crooked smile, the smile that I still love and cherish, and I realized that the lightyears of space between us didn't exist anymore, because the world we had, the world I couldn't let go of, ceased to exist for you.

Monday, September 17, 2012

i just want to take this time out to thank everyone for their birthday greetings and well wishes! every one of you are amazing, i definitely felt all the love around me. i do want to apologize for not thanking you guys sooner; i'm afraid i'm just barely recovering from the most wildest birthday weekend i've ever had in my life! from truck stop (best. experience. ever.), to last night's korean barbeque, the intoxication and "oh fuck, why did we do that?" didn't end. now it's monday, i'm so worn out and i really wonder how i used to do this every damn weekend for the most part of 2010. gahdamn, i really must be getting old.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

i went to one of my favorite used book stores, which i now live very close to (thanks to the recent move into a new place) and i went ahead and indulged. i absolutely love this place, and i bought most of these books for less than a dollar (heaven, if you ask me).