Joke of the day.

161.
Posted byJase007(Respected Member 8870 posts) 11y
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These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down andnow published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.I did some checking on this and it seems legit, so here you go . . . . . )

ATTORNEY: While in your car, what gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget.ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan.>> _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?WITNESS: We both do.ATTORNEY: Voodoo?WITNESS: We do.ATTORNEY: Youdo?WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in hissleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one year old, how old is he?WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.. ________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Uh.... _____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death.ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to adeposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?ATTORNEY: What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m .ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have beenalive and practicing law.

162.
Posted byJennifer G(Budding Member 725 posts) 11y
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Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyerin the road?A: There are skid marks in front of the dog

163.
Posted byJennifer G(Budding Member 725 posts) 11y
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A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"The housewife replies: "Four!".The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me runthose figures through my spreadsheet one more time."The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushedvoice, "How much do you want it to be?"

164.
Posted bymikeyBoab(Travel Guru 5077 posts) 11y
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A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sergeant replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand the lonliness any,more so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped down, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride to the brothel in town."

165.
Posted byJennifer G(Budding Member 725 posts) 11y
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A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for aliving. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor.""That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman.""Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in awhorehouse."The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's fatheranswered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demandedan explanation.Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

166.
Posted byJase007(Respected Member 8870 posts) 11y
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At the college, male & female students were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.'Females wrote : When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and that they respect each other very much, then, it is spiritually and morally acceptable to the society that they both engage themselves in the act of physical sex with one another.

Men wrote : 'I love sex.'

167.
Posted byJennifer G(Budding Member 725 posts) 11y
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WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE

this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right andyou need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"

GO AHEAD

This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with youover "Nothing"

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to aman. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.

Oh, and before we forget ...

"Whatever"

...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!

168.
Posted bymikeyBoab(Travel Guru 5077 posts) 11y
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A Russian, an American and an Irishmen were boasting away. "We were the first in space!" declares the Russian. "Well, we were first on the moon." the American proudly states. "Well, we'll be the first on the sun." the Irishman declares.

The Russian and the American look at each other. "You can't land on the sun" says the Russian. "That's right," says the American "you'll burn up."

"Don't be so stupid," retorts the Irishman. "We'll go at night."

169.
Posted byJase007(Respected Member 8870 posts) 11y
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This is a well organized conspiracy by Indian Immigration, Police, Customs and Air India staff with networking at all the Indian International Airports. Be watchful when ever you give your passport to Immigration/Customs/Air India staff. The pass port can be easily tampered and can create trouble to you. They have found easy way of making money from NRIs. This is the way it works:

At the time of the passenger's departure, if the passenger is not looking at the officer while he is stamping the exit, the officer very cleverly tears away one of the page from the passport. When the passenger leaves the immigration counter, the case is reported on his computer terminal with full details. Now all over India they have got full details of the passenger with Red Flag flashing on the Passport number entered by the departure immigration officer. They have made their money by doing above. On arrival next time, he is interrogated. Subject to the passenger's period of stay abroad, his income and standing etc., the price to get rid of the problem is settled by the Police and Immigration people. If someone argues, his future is spoiled because there are always some innocent fellows who think the honesty is the basis of getting justice in India.

Please advise every passenger to be careful at the airport. Whenever they hand over the passport to the counters of Air India, or immigration or the customs, they must be vigilant, should not remove eyes from the passport even if the officer in front tries to divert their attention.

Also, please pass this information to all friends, media men and important politicians. Every month 20-30 cases are happening all over India to rob the NRIs the minute he lands. Similar case has happened with Aramco's Arifuddin. He was travelling with his family. They had six passports. They got the visa of America and decided to go via Hyderabad from Jeddah. They reached Hyderabad. Stayed about a month and left for the States. When they reached the States, the page of the American visa on his wife's passport was missing. At the time of departure from Hyderabad it was there, the whole family had to return to Hyderabad helplessly. On arrival at Bombay back, they were caught by the police and now it is over 2 months, they are running after the Police, Immigration officers and the Courts.

On going in to details with him, he found out the following:One cannot imagine, neither can believe, that the Indian Immigration dept can play such a nasty game to harass the innocent passengers. All the passengers travelling to & fro India via Bombay and Hyderabad must be aware of this conspiracy. Every month 15 to 20 cases are taking place, at each mentioned airport, of holding the passengers in the crime of tearing away the passport pages. On interviewing some of them, none of them was aware of what had happened. They don't know why, when and who tore away the page from the middle of the passport.

One can imagine the sufferings of such people at the hands of the immigration, police and the court procedures in India after that. The number of cases is increasing in the last 2-3 years. People who are arriving at the immigration, they are questioned and their passports are being held and they have to go in interrogations. Obviously, the conspiracy started about 2 to 3 years ago, now the results are coming. Some of the Air India counter staff too is involved in this conspiracy.

170.
Posted byJase007(Respected Member 8870 posts) 11y
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A man got into his seat on an airline, which was about to take off, when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the two empty seats beside him.

The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep says, "Don't mind Sniffer. He's a sniffing dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,"Watch this."

He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.

He says, "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is inpossession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her upon arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again, he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about,sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so, again, I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time, the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles.Sniffer goes up and down the plane and, after a while, sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poohs all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"