!Ask a Mexican!

Special four-part edition

Dear Mexican: A friend says she read somewhere that only 20 percent of Mexican men go down on their ladies. I don't believe that. Can you "spread" some light on the subject?
El Gabacho Guapo

Dear Handsome Gabacho: Let me penetrate the thrust of your friend's argument by referring her to the seminal TheInternational Encyclopedia of Sexuality, a set of studies on the world's sex habits gathered into one grandebook. Its section on Mexico cites two surveys from the early 1990s that found about 50 percent of men in Mexico City practiced oral sex on women—more than twice the number your friend laid out. In fact, the Mexican hombre's taste for cunnilingus grows once he hops over to the United States: a 2002 report by the National Center for Health Statistics showed that 74 percent of Latino men had performed cunnilingus at least once in their life. However, that percentage is dwarfed by the 87 percent of gabachos questioned by the NCHS who admitted to doing the deed. The Mexican holds various theories about why his swarthy hermanos aren't as prone to panocha pecking as gabachos: traditional Mexican men don't bother with cunnilingus since it doesn't lead to procreation; Mexican women are too ashamed of their bodies to allow a male tongue near their hoo-ha; Mexico's endemic machismo produces a culture in which vagina dentata is as feared as la migra. But forget explanations. The paucity of Mexican men who munch muff is an urgent social ill and I urge all mujeresto remedy the problem by nabbing a Mexican and taking an orgasm in the name of La Raza.

What do you think will happen to the gringos if Mexicans become the biggestrazain America, like a lot of people predict?El Mex de Durango

Illustration by Mark Dancey

Dear Wab: That's the 64,000-peso question, Mex. Demographics show that Mexican birth rates grow even as those of gabachos fall. The Jim Gilchrists of this country predict chaos and a goat in every backyard once there are more Mexicans than gabachos; pro-amnesty activists claim Mexicans will assimilate into this country's fabric just as previous immigrant groups did. I'm among the latter, and propose we'll be the most American ethnic group yet. Taking historical cues from our gabacho forefathers, Mexicans will ridicule English speakers and dismiss them as lazy minorities with funny-sounding surnames and traditions. We'll do what gabachos were always too pussy to try—take over Mexico—and create a true NAFTA, bringing further riches to the United States and ending the illegal immigration problem for good. Then, we'll become too complacent and fat and gabachoswill plot the takeover of their ancestral lands by having more babies and agitating for affirmative action and Gabacha/o Studies programs. What's the moral of the story? Protect your children's future, gabachos.Treat Mexicans well and encourage their simpático ways. Otherwise, we might just become Americans.

President George W. Bush wants Guatemala to have the next two-year term on the U.N. Security Council. Your thoughts on this nomination and what the world can expect should it happen are appreciated.Gabacho in Pittsburgh, PA

Dear Gabacho: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dear Readers: In my Oct. 12 column, I wrote that the United States "never had the decency to invade Mexico." Of course, the U.S. has invaded Mexico—during the Mexican-American War, and when General John Pershing unsuccessfully pursued Pancho Villa in 1915. What I meant to say was the United States "never had the decency to occupy Mexico, install a puppet regime and then sit back as the natives slaughter our boys and each other while our true enemies bide their time somewhere in the tribal lands of Afghanistan and Pakistan." My apologies.

Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at garellano@ocweekly.com. And those of you who do submit questions: include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we'll make one up for you!