Good evening, thank you for coming to this event. Ladies, thank you for putting on panty hoes as we all know that alone is at least an hour’s commitment. I say “ladies” because no matter the equality, I think it is safe to assume that no one who does not feel the need would subject themselves to such torture as to put those darn things on your body. One day we will rid the world of those awful creations and be a much happier and jigglier society! Who doesn’t like a little jiggle.

( As I have mentioned before, I am not a fan of acceptance speeches! They seem a little bit ridiculous in practice. If it were up to me, I would have the people who did not win the award give the speeches. They would be a lot more fun to watch! And if you perform a poll, wouldn’t most people say that they do not like to give speeches or speak in public? So, them winning an award, aren’t we kind of punishing them by making them get up on the stage and talk while we silently judge them until they are done talking so that we can later judge them out loud. )

This is an award that doesn’t belong solely to me but to all of those around me. Just like Newton said, “We stand on the shoulders of giants,” and that is exactly how I got up here tonight! No, I don’t mean high heels, although I think those should be outlawed along with the panty hoes, but don’t get me started!

I first heard that saying when I worked for an amazing non-profit named City Year. It was here that I got the privilege of working with some of the most talented and inspiring people in my life. Some of them were my superiors, some my peers, and others were just 13 years old. Let’s all reminisce for a minute about our lives at 13. I think we all have some horrifying images running through our heads and if you don’t there are two potential reasons. 1.) You blocked it out and are saying, “No comment,” with that all too familiar single tear. OR 2.) You were the exception the the rule and you were the person that everyone thought was ‘peaking’ but you weren’t you were just lucky enough to not feel the world crashing down on you with each and every pimple. Either way, this simple time of reminiscing is to accomplish one thing and that is to appreciate what you can learn from these people.

( Also, aren’t awards speeches obnoxious. Most of them are spend giving thanks to the people who gave you the award, and I realize that it is important to thank the people who are honoring you, but hearing everyone thank the same people in a 3 hour awards show. Don’t you think the Academy gets it? Maybe the host should just thank the Academy for everyone, right at the beginning as to not hold up the rest of the show? )

From the middle schoolers, we can learn: perseverance, humility, and vision. Let’s start from the top!

Perserverance: It takes that and more to walk the halls of a middle school. There are eyes everywhere looking for someone to fail. To walk into third period, even though you know that your hair has a cowlick, or you forgot to put lotion on, and everyone can tell, that takes guts. So for that, I salute you!

Humility: Yup, when you screw up, you gotta own it! It’s okay, you’ll get ’em next time! Maybe don’t say that you know everything, because someone might question you! It’s okay to be wrong. If you are humble, you won’t fall as far!

Vision: Everything is possible.

Even the abolition of panty hoes and high heeled shoes! Thank so much!

So, I had a great time on Wednesday tutoring 3-5th graders in North Philly. I hope to do this every week cause I met some pretty awesome kids. One in particular. Her name is Edith.

Edith had to use the restroom after she powered through a whole packet of homework (meant to be two days of assignments). She just wanted to get it all finished. When any student has to go to the restroom, an adult has to walk them there or the dreaded hall monitor will get them.

Well, in this restroom, there were huge fancy plastic covered chairs that we just had to sit in and pretend we were new Queens of the world. I said, “What would be the first think you did as Queen of the World?”

She responded with a powerful answer.

“I would first make sure people were warm. I would also give people jobs cause it stinks to not have one. There are a lot of people who need stuff. I think they should have it. Oh yeah, and if someone was hungry, I’d let them come over for dinner every night. I have a lot of first things to do. Why? What would you do?”

So, I don’t know how many people speak American Sign Language. I don’t know if anyone will ever read this and therefore that statement was more than pointless. However, I’m going to continue on with what I was getting to.

My friend today made a joke that came off as incredibly rude. But that somehow lead one thing to another, and we were talking about sign language.

DID YOU KNOW: “The cat is hungry.” and “The cat is horny.” is virtually the exact same series of signs, except for the speed in which you move your hand up and down on the final sign. I find this fact moderatly upsetting. I know for a fact (that is impossible so say for this, but I said it anyway as to add suspense), that if I were to be deaf, I would still want to talk fast. I seems as if any deaf person cannot speak (sign) quickly or they could say something like, “Holy cow! I’m so horny I could die!” This seems like quite the mix up for someone who just happens to be in a rush. Just sayin’

Let’s be honest. We lie. It’s not something that I love about myself, but often times, I think that my lying is acceptable. Let’s look at a recent lie:

A.) Two bible college students come up to me and start asking me questions about the Bible. “Do you know what this or that means?” kins of questions. Next they say things like, “I bet you haven’t heard things like this from your pastor before, right? ” Finally, at the very end of this awkward and sweaty (on my end) conversation, they offer to give me their phone numbers so that I can call with any questions or if I am available to go to any bible studies. ***Here’s the lie: “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t have my phone on me. I let my little brother borrow it!” 1.) I do not have a little brother. 2.) My phone was in the pocket to my purse. THAT’S AN OKAY LIE, RIGHT?

Now, I want to break this down a little more, I am a very awkward person. I have been voted Most Awkward in multiple different groups. What makes me awkward you might ask. Well, it could be the clammyness attributed to my felling of uncertainty or he bright shade of lobster red my face, neck, ears, and boobs turn whenever I am feeling even the slightest bit uncomfy. These qualities make me an awful person for first time encounters with strangers, especially asking me questions about “Topics I don’t understand and that the bible hasn’t answered for me.” –WHAT? I don’t even understand your question.

Anyway, the point is, I don’t think that lying is always bad. If you are put in an extremely awkward and unnecessary position, by complete strangers you will NEVER see again. Maybe making up a little brother or a ragingly bad case of IBS is not the worst thing a person could do!

FIRST: HOW DID NO ONE MENTION THE AL ROKER “I POOPED IN MY PANTS” INCIDENT?

In honor of the events that transpired this evening: The Golden Globes, I would like to dedicate this post. I realized, you see, that if I was ever nominated and chosen to receive a Golden Globe, or anything of the sort, I would have a MUCH better acceptance speech. It isn’t often that I look at others and say, “Wow, I would do a much better job!” But it has happened time and time again. Any time I watch one of these I am reminded of what I do and do not like in an acceptance speech. So, in order to best describe these attributes, I will just write my own speech.

“Holy Crap! This is an honor. I have never been prouder, wait, that’s not entirely true! I did once wake up one day without a real alarm but my own saliva! Yup, my alarm was my drool in my arm pit! That was embarrassing at first but it turned out to be pretty impressive! Well, now it’s time to start my thanks! I am overwhelming with gratitude for the foreign press, my director, my dad and brother for reminding me that a tire around my waist was not a good accessory that the public would like. Also, I’d like to thank my fellow cast who continually reminded me that you will never grow out of needing to “squatty potty” sometimes (going to the bathroom by squatting). Also, Thanks to Al Roker for freely admitting that he pooped his pants at the white house!

This is just a sample. Obviously there would be more and better details. I just think that there would be much more fun if stars would put themselves out there more!

I have reached an all new low. I have officially impressed myself, mostly because my disgustingness is not something that I did on purpose that just turned out grosser than I thought it would. This new level is because my body is now doing shamefully gross things without my knowledge or consent. Here’s the play by play:

I am currently on Winter break from school and staying at my mother’s empty house. I am here alone which is both a good and bad thing. BAD: I get lonely and scared of random noises. GOOD: I get to walk around naked, I can eat whatever I want, I can sleep till whenever I want.

Usually, I set an alarm. I am actually pretty neurotic about alarms and always have one set even if I don’t have anything to do for 3 days (much like this example). Well, I was sleeping without an alarm and therefore like a little baby, dreaming away about being a monster truck driver that has a buffalo ranch when I am rudely awaken.

Now, bare in mind, I was not rudely awaken at all but it was really a tickle that jostled me from my somber place.

I was woken up by an armpit tickle.

Many people would find this nice. It wasn’t harsh or jarring in any way but just nice and with a smile on my face….until I realized what had happened. What made my right armpit tickle, you might ask, well that has the least classy response that could ever be said.

My drool, dripped from my mouth, to my cheek, to my neck, to my shoulder, and down into my armpit causing “The Tickle” This means that Yes, I am so disgusting that my own drooling woke me up from hitting another part of my body. After realizing, I had to get out of the pool of moisture I was lying in and clean myself up. I mean really, was I swimming?

So, as I have previously mentioned, I call my grandmother, Grams. This happened today (inspiring this lovely piece of literature!)

*On the drive home

Grams: “Wow, I have to use the restroom…and it feels more like #2 than #1.”

Me: “uhm, okay, gross!”

*Upon arriving home, Grams runs, wait trots as briskly as possible up the stairs and into the bathroom only to emerge approx. 10 minutes later.

Grams: “Wow, I have the diarrhea. I better take some pepto.”

Me: “Oh well do you feel alright?”

Grams: “Hopefully after this!”

*With this comment, Grams walks hurriedly back to her porcelain queendome. Again, to emerge around 10-15 minutes later.

Grams: “Welp, I guess I should’ve stayed sitting longer cause I didn’t get it all out the first time. I’m glad I was wearing a little pad because while I was rushing back into the restroom, a little came out before I could get my pants over these Pennsylvania-Dutch hips!”

This is how out 3 hour road trip began, I sat anxiously in the drivers seat hoping and praying that Grams would not 1. have an explosive diarrhea episode in the car and 2. not mention her bawl movements to me ever again.

There is however another positive that came from this lovely example of how great my Grams is. I now have a great idea. Overshare Granny is quite possibly the greatest thing ever because she, along with many other grandmothers tend to do this. I have been in this little town of Edenton long enough to know that old ladies love to talk about disgusting things when they think it is just old ladies. They forget that I am not yet at the tender age of 75 yet. If I hear the word incontinence again, I might cry.

I do love my Grams and all of her oversharing tendencies and now that I have a place to let it all out, I am finally even more content with hearing all about her inability to distinguish between a toot and some poop.