On Missing Pictures

Hello, from chilly Lithuania. And first I want to share my appreciation of You, who stop by and leave a comment making my little heart beat faster every time. Awesome feeling. Thank you. So on Saturday, I had I fabulous party and sorry folks I mistreated your requests for picks.

The thing is I have this weird complex considering posting my personal images here. Whether or not I like to admit it and I don’t have to take psych classes or read enough books to know that people make judgments about you from the moments they see you or meet you. I much prefer to have my words stand on their own than for people to filter them through preconceived notions about whether I eat/ate or not. This is what happened when I have sent one of my articles to some serious site which specializes in eating disorder field – they liked it, and more of them… but after they saw my pictures here they declined any further collaboration because, I site their words, “you look too sick for a recovered person.” Gosh people, I never claimed I was recovered. I hope I ever be. But if you want to make a quick, dismissive judgment of me, at least do it based on what I’ve written and not because of my weight or the expression on my face.

Moreover for pretty much all of my life, I’ve considered myself unattractive. Seriously. From quite an early age it was pretty clear to me that physical attractiveness was high on the list for one’s life to be happy. At one point I considered getting surgery on my large nose and non-existing boobs (I did neither). And my granddad, probably trying to be supportive and a doctor, helped me plan for those, which confirmed my suspicions that everyone agreed on my lack of attractiveness. It wasn’t until I was pursued by my current boyfriend and told many, many, many times that I was beautiful, that I started to believe it. Still, posting a picture of myself just opens up all sorts of concerns and self-consciousness. And while I know that simply by having a blog I open myself up to potential trolls and other rude comments, at least I know that if someone wants to rant and insult me by calling me ugly, they’re doing so just out of their desire to be hurtful than any actual assessment of my face.

Also my relationship with photographs has changed. I work with photographers and their final creations on daily basis. I see lots and lots and lots of photos every day. I consider photography as a talent form. And back when Facebook happened and then blogs took over the internet (I was working then with L’Officiel) suddenly everyone was taking a million photos to post on it. I felt sad. At some point among the people I knew, photography had stopped being an art or a talent and had become synonymous with “OMG I have to document every moment of my life.” Some of my friends who work as photographers also got me to question a lot of the cultural norms around photographs, like how people didn’t use to smile for posed photos and now it’s expected, or how someone will stop a group of people who are in the middle of a conversation or doing something fun and have them freeze for a picture. All of this is not so much a reason for not having a picture of myself, but it’s a reason I don’t post photos of my weekends or my friends.

So there you have it – the reasons I ignored your request and on the whole all the blogging advice to post pictures of myself, and instead just stick to words, stock photos and some randomness I love and capture daily on my camera or iPhone.

Photography is nothing–it’s life that interests me.- Henri Cartier-Bresson (1908 – 2004) a French photographer, considered to be the father of modern photojournalism.

Having said that; I confess I love pictures of the blogs I read. They lace the bloggers days and do speak louder than words. And I sense some talents hiding behind their ordinary lenses as well.

What are your thoughts on posting pictures of yourself online? Does my decision not to post pictures affect how you see my blog?

This article speaks to my soul. I think far too much emphasis is made on what pictures we post of ourselves or people in our lives. I am very much on point with you in my pictures are for me. I don’t post a ton of pictures on my blog or facebook. I gave in a little recently for a specific purpose, but if people are going to read my blog I want it to be for the ideas I write about NOT about the pictures I post. Especially now that I have a boyfriend and am working on getting a counseling career, I like to keep ny worlds apart.

So way to stick with your beliefs on that. I hope you had a fantastic birthday party and here is to a fabulous new year.

Thank you for supporting me on this, Liz. It means a lot. I understand your wish to keep the worlds apart – I do that too, with my work and relationship – and it’s difficult as they are major parts of my life – therefore the only way protecting those is at least not posting pictures of the latter.
And a happy new year to you too!!! 😉

Hey there….makes lots of sense – all that you’re saying here. I was one who wanted you to post a photo in that dress…Since you’ve posted photos of you here before, I thought we might get to see the dress on you. But after hearing all you just shared I can see why you don’t want to post photos. Although it’s sad to me….people’s judgements and not valuing your intelligence and what you wrote. (Now I’m curious what your articles were and if you’ll post them).

Your decision to not post pictures of yourself here doesn’t make me think less of you or your blog. I totally understand what you mean when you say you want people to relate to you through your thoughts not through a filter of how they see your physical appearance.

I just see your blog, mine and a few others as friends sharing with each other.I know blogs are public, but they feel personal to me. It feels like some friends getting together to share, and we leave the door open in case a like minded person happens to be drawn into the exchange.

As for your other question…i’m going to mull that one over. I have a muddle of feelings about posting photos of myself. I am old enough to have not grown up with computers, or other social media. I don’t have a cell phone and don’t do facebook or twitter. I just prefer real connecting. ….hand writing, and quiet…EXCEPT I found that blogging is helping me break free of my eating disorder so that’s a great reason to blog…..but a real anomaly in my life.

Stay true to yourself….That’s what matters to me…not whether or not you post photos. But it sure is nice to hear what you are thinking and feeling behind the choice. Thanks.

Oh, my beloved friend, I’m so happy and glad and a little weepy here – you so get it! The whole blog thing being personal and at the same time unbelievably honest and therefore helpful to the ones with the soul like ours.
It a soul thing for me too. It’s healing and makes me happy and joyful.
Also, I’m probably being oversensitive and protecting but now I need that.
And this: “It feels like some friends getting together to share, and we leave the door open in case a like minded person happens to be drawn into the exchange.” this is golden, hun. This is so me too. Thanks 😉

OMG This —-> “I just see your blog, mine and a few others as friends sharing with each other.I know blogs are public, but they feel personal to me. It feels like some friends getting together to share, and we leave the door open in case a like minded person happens to be drawn into the exchange.”

I said I WISHED to see a pic of you in the dress because I knew you wouldn’t – which is absolutely and totally fine. There are quite a few bloggers who don’t post pics of themselves and I very much understand all ofnthe reasons. Since I run my blog, I pretty much stopped posting on Facebook, so if people want to see a pic of me they need to read my blog, haha 🙂 I don’t mind posting pics of me but so far I wasn’t judged. Maybe I would stop if I were. Anyway – fact is, I read your blog because I love ALL your pics, really, you post the most beautiful ones. Besides that I absolutely feel your beautiful personality shining through your words and I feel very close with or without pics.

Vielen Dank, Lucie! I’m happy you understand! I wish to have your confidence and honesty and joy to post the pictures of myself.
And I wish to have your body and smile too. And the hair! Love your hair!!! It seems that I just want to be you 😀 Well, for this life I have to stick to my old body and painted nails 😉
Thank you for reading, hun!

Putting up personal pictures is a personal decision, as the name implies. If you don’t feel comfortable doing that or don’t want to distract from your work, you should never be forced to upload. Many people do put pictures of themselves, but I also hear of many people who later regret that due to negative feedback in one form or another (impolite comments, stalkers, inappropriate pictures finding their way to the boss, etc). If this is your decision, then I stand by that and respect it.
–JW

I sometimes wish English was my first (not the third) language, so I could express myself MORE. As is your comment – perfect summary of what I’ve tried to say in so many words.
Thank you for the support.
And you have one cool blog there, JW!

I agree- photography has been cheapened by the constant posting of photos of ??? all over the place. I used to do a lot of photography, and have some nice shots (nature mostly)…. but they’re too personal to just throw out there. For me, photos document times in my life, and I don’t want judgement about that. 🙂

“photos document times in my life, and I don’t want judgement about that” this is so beautifully said, hun. I think photos must be taken by heart, then they have the meaning and purpose to freeze time and live that moment again and again… otherwise they are just a soulless images.

I think I understand that statement, about how people judge whether you’re suffering from an eating disorder or not based on the way you look, and how misguided that may be. It’s not the people’s fault, but because I am not completely recovered, not that I have seen a 100% recovered person ever, I resent myself a little when they tell me how much “healthier” I am looking, that I am fine now because I look fine. Because I am still struggling, just like everybody else, and we are all trying. So you do what you feel the most comfortable with, Greta, like you decided to about posting your photos here. I am completely backing you up for doing what’s right for you! xxx

Thank you for the backup, Asuma!
That you look healthy or not sick enough or not anorexic or too skinny for bulimic thing is all bullish!!!! No one can see ones soul. No one. That judging by appearance thing is sickens me to beyond.
I’m happy there are people like you and others here. You make my days bright! 😉

“how someone will stop a group of people who are in the middle of a conversation or doing something fun and have them freeze for a picture” – I love this, i wish it could go back to a time when we didn’t have to pose and plaster smiles on our faces!

I love reading your blog, I am happy seeing you in pics , and I`ll tell you why. Because you`re beautiful, smart, honest! I believe in every word I said. Don`t know what makes you think you`re not attractive, but you definitely are pretty and attractive. It`s all in your head babe. Trust me. Don`t know why, but you`ve stolen my heart…Is it because you`re lithuanian as me? is it because you`re brave enough to open your heart and show off your worries? I dont know! But I feel close to you even without having met you! I love seeing your pics, but if you didn`t post any of them it wouldn`t change anything, i would be still reading your blog, smiling when you smile, crying when you cry. Do you know what I mean? I think I found my little soul mate in you!

I’m happy you are getting me in the different language. I guess we, lithuanians, have that sensitive soul – a little melancholic, a little sad but still poetic. We sing lullabys in every language. 😀
Thank you for being here,reading and supporting. This means the world to me!!!

I am glad you stood up to us and did not bow to our demands for a picture. I wanted to see how amazing you looked in your dress. But I can completely understand your feelings. Every picture that I have seen on your blog, all I see is a beautiful woman. But I agree that the internet can be an ugly place and posting pictures of yourself can open up ugly and mean words to be said that do not help one become a better person or improve. I am not sure I would be able to handle that type of criticism. And given your history with eating disorders, I think it is wise to keep that to a minimum. Your words are what is most important. Your photography as an art is a second pillar to your blog. It is your words that show us your true beauty anyways. No matter how beautiful, thin, tall, curvy, etc. a person is, if their words and their heart is not beautiful, than the outside beauty is just a stage. It is not real. Your writing is what shows us your real and genuine beauty. Pictures of you do not need to be added.

Thank you, Jennifer..
Ugh, I wish to have you as a friend in real life… like to have some iced tea in the afternoon and have long conversation sitting in some garden barefoot… You are such a beautiful person. You speak to my soul and make it sing.
Thank you for your wonderful words. Those matter more than you can imagine…
xoxo

Awwww…. I don’t know how to reply. Except you might not like the real life me nearly as much. 🙂 I think a lot more about how to write my comment than I do when speaking. I quite often put my foot in my mouth and can be very sarcastic. But your response has sat in my heart all day. Thank you!

Haha! When it comes to IRL, believe me – I’m the silent one! But a glass of wine does the trick to make me feel more confident. I wish I did not need that for opening up and trusting people.
However if you saw me at work – you’d hate me too. I’m so unbelievably bossy, people are afraid of me 😀 😀 😀

You know, I’ve been blogging for about 12 years now. And for the first 7 or 8 years my rule was to never, ever post photos of myself. I knew I couldn’t handle being judged.
Eventually, I grew the courage and realized that this is my body and this is my face and I can’t deny it. The only way to embrace myself was to put myself out there.

However, I don’t agree that the same would work for you. If you are so deeply affected by other people’s words, then don’t open yourself up to that. But do I wish I could see photos of your beautiful face? Yes, indeed. I do 🙂 But I think that you should always, always do what is best and healthiest for you.
Don’t you worry about us outsiders!

Oh, I wish I had your spirit, your courage and your beauty, Shannon!
And I hope to feel that freedom one day. I’m learning to love and to be thankful for the body I have. I’m learning to embrace my imperfections.
Thank you for your supportive comment. I appreciate it a lot 😉

It is completely your decision when or if you post pictures. But don’t ever not post pictures because you are afraid to be judged, because you feel too ugly. You are gorgeous, both inside and out. And there will always be people to judge, both online as in real life. There’s no escaping. Most people however (in my humble opinion, anyway) are good souls and will not judge negatively. I am convinced of that; that most people are friendly souls.

Also, your pictures (or the lack thereof) would never make me ju dge your writing differently. And I pity the people who (in this case, almost literally) judge a book by its cover. Your writingskills (which you definately have!!) are completely independent of your size, your dress, your haircolor or your matching-or-not-underwear! It’s completely irrelevant!

And honestly, I love it when bloggers post pictures. It makes me identify with them even more, because it feels even more ‘real’, even more as if we know each other in real life. Having a face with a name enables me to dream or think about someone a lot more realistically. But I get it, I have – as of yet- never posted clear pictures of myself. Not because I fear judgement, but because I fear people finding and recognizing me. Which is silly, because all the random pictures on my blog that I took but that I’m not in myself will be recognized as mine just as easily! But alas, one day I’ll find the courage to do a picture post

(The aforementioned reason is also why I email with some bloggers and then I have no trouble exchanging pictures, as you know. Just to have a face with the name. To make the connection feel even more real)

I knew if you commented on this, you’ll be the voice of reason here.
Yup, I agree with everything. I am too vulnerable to be judged. And yes people do that IRL, but I hate seeing it in written form – too hurtful.
And one more yes to bloggers who post pictures. I love that too. Moreover I admire their courage, to live here as they do out here.
Thank you for your honesty, hun! It’s always refreshing 😉

Sometimes I think people are too focussed on capturing a moment on camera rather than just living it and enjoying it. I think that a lot when I see tourists taking photos of famous places, and rather than just enjoy being there, they are trying to capture it on film.
I really like the photographs you use to illustrate your writing and you always pick beautiful images to go with your beautiful words, whether or not they are personal and of objects rather than people. They are still beautiful all the same
xxx

Oh, I hear you, dear…
I don’t like the posed picks and those made smiles either. Oh, and the tourists… gosh, every time I come back from some trip, people are asking me for the photos – which I do not take. I just don’t see the point. It takes up too much time. As you say I “rather than just enjoy being there”
Thank you so much for your wonderful thoughts!

This was such a fascinating thing to read — such an intellectual reasoning behind your choice moreso than an issue of self-consciousness.

It is sort of angering that – for example – a blogger can write about consuming only lettuce leaves and few tablespoons of peanut butter in a day and no one says BOO simply because they do not “look” the part of an anorexic. SAD.

Likewise, a person like me who looks normal weight or thin (now) might write about restricting a certain food because I binge eat it and get derision simply because they are not the image of a binge eater.

People judge recovery on appearance and yet most of us know better.
I look better than I have right now, and am probably more mentally unstable with food than ever before. Yet I get applauded.

Sorry for the rant.
Sometimes I get serious.
Also, a woman asked if I was pregnant on Saturday because of my “new curves” in my bikini and my HORRIBLE distended, taut belly.
So there’s that.

I’m sorry to start my reply like this, but that lady who thought you are pregnant is coo coo! What “curves”? Where? On what planet? And also this:
I really try not to care what others say. Especially some strangers I don’t even know.
And still, this means I judge you too, as for me it’s so hard to imagine you binging. Well maybe on lettuce. 😀

I love that gif.
That is how I feel right now.
In the past month I feel my appetite has finally arrived…..
My body is like…I want food. No, not veggies and salads and random this and that…EAT A FREAKING PIZZA or like…a veggie burger with a bun and some fries.

Whatever works for you. I had no intention of trying to make you post pictures. The pictures themselves aren’t important to me, although I do like to see yours.
But I stand by my statement about the character of the people who criticize your appearance. They’re shit. I worry about people all the time, but it’s on me to do it in a way that is kind.

Thank you for this post, Greta – it totally speaks from my heart! Let me first say that I loved the reflections on photography as an art, and the changes in how and how often people are pictured. I don’t like to smile in every picture because it feels unnatural. I don’t run around with a smile all day. And I also don’t like to substitute real experiences with photographs. When I take pictures, I take time to experience the moment and *then* capture it with a photo.

On the body image things … Oh yeah. Totally me as well! I used to hate being pictured because I’m so insecure about my looks, still. The day before my wedding day, I almost freaked out, telling Peter how much I hated the thought that “I’ll be pictured all day, and all our wedding pics will be tainted by my fat and ugly face on them”. He had a hard time to calm me down. But in the end, I was happy that there *are* pictures now, because they are a lovely memory of that day, and on some of them are actually quite nice.

When I started blogging, I never put up any pictures of myself. Now I do sometimes, and it’s a kind of exposition for me. To allow being pictured at all, or self-picturing me, and then putting the pictures out there. When I just think how terrible I must look but deprive me of a reality by not allowing any pictures, the mind monsters can grow bigger and bigger. Since there are pictures of me, I can see they’re not all bad, and I can gradually develop the thought that I look somewhat … okay.

On the other thing you wrote – that your contribution to that ED page was rejected because you “don’t look recovered” … It made me so angry! I’ve experienced something like that myself, because I’m also thin (as you know). When I did an internship at a therapy ward a few years ago, I was excluded from any patient contact because looking at me might have destabilized the patients. (It wasn’t even an ED ward, almost everybody treated there had depression or some kind of anxiety disorder or obsessive-compulsive disorder.) You can imagine I sorted a lot of files during the time of that internship! 😛 It was a very painful experience for me and made me feel very bad. But it also made me angry – what right do those people have to prescribe how you have to look? I hate that people judge me by how I look and they assume I might weigh. And I don’t intend to gain weight just to please them anf fulfill their expectations. In the end, it’s my body, and I have to feel well with it. One of the therapists at that ward was very kind with me, thankfully, and she said that there is this discrepancy between how people are judged when being underweight versus overweight. She said that by the same logic, it would be necessary to force therapists and the ward staff members who weigh too much to lose weight, because being overweight could then be an expression of unresolved problems and therefore destabilize the patients or impair the credibility of a therapist as well.

Finally (and this is my last point, uff uff), there is something like body type. Some people are slim rather naturally. Peter is an example for that. He has never had an eating disorder, but I remember him being incredibly frail a few years ago, when he had a lot private stress and lost his appetite over that and also did an incredible amount of running and biking to cope with it. Just one year earlier, he had been almost overweight due to job-related stress. So, his weight fluctuated by about 20 kg in the course of a few years. These days, he isn’t noticeably thin anymore, but he’s still thin, and he has also been suspected of having eating problems. Well. People assume a lot. In the end it’s you who has to feel well and happy!

Wow! I was so happy to read and reread your comment/post on all of this stuff. Gosh I laughed at this: your “fat and ugly face” Remember, I told you what I thought when I saw your wedding pictures.

That is so interesting of what you say about being rejected because of your looks, as all of my therapists were extremely thin women. The last two – very very fragile. Of course I was assuming they were having some kind of issues so I can’t blame the authorities on that. However their thinness might be due to the quite contrary background as your example about your husband’s weight fluctuations. So we can only judge one’s well-being from his deeds.

And I love your pictures. And the pictures of you. You are so adorable, Kath. I hope I did tell you this!

I’m Greta. I live in a small country in Europe. I am recovering from an eating disorder. But this blog is not only about that. It’s a cozy corner of my little life, full of passions for fashion, food, books and movies. Oh, and coffee... Coffee is the best thing to douse the sunrise with.

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DISCLAIMER

I am NOT a Registered Dietician, psychiatrist, specialist of eating disorders, personal trainer, or a certified fitness instructor. Everything I post is from what I have learned on my own and what works best for me.