Someone's Going to Lose a Limb

Here’s where I admit to getting way too wrapped up in BuzzFeed’s lists of easy DIY crap such as“5 Million DIY Projects Even an Idiot Like You Can Do,” and“17 Ideas To Make Your Bathroom Rock Like It’s 1972.” Which totally fooled me into believing I could PAINT. I can’t paint, you guys. I can’t even stick figure on fleek.

But I’m over my 1950s bathroom with 1980s updates. I mean, look at these cabinets-

What’s up, off-white sink top and ol’ mid-grain wood? Not much, just keeping your Sun-In and Nair fresh for you!

Gah.

Still, it’s beyond me that I thought the solution would be to paint something above the window in hopes that everything would just come together, magically. The only area that really doesn’t need anything, yet somehow I felt all would be right with just the right artsy touch! That is some major cabinet denial, you guys. And then, I didn’t even want to go out and try and find some good colors for the little flourish. I just decided to use my concrete paint for my glossy bathroom wall. Read More

Back when I was single and ready to mingle, my girlfriends and I would fantasize about meeting someone special. Someone special who could build us a deck. Well, I did marry someone special but his deck building skills are negligible. And that’s being polite. He’s got his own talents, so no judgment.

When we realized deck building was not in our future, and neither was paying someone a million dollars to build a deck, I decided cement staining and pea pebbling would do the trick. I was half right.

The fact is, a coat of paint can save many a crap situation and as I got my daughter to paint our backyard fences, it became clear that should have been done years ago. But she was just a toddler years ago, so you know, you take what you can get.

Our fences were gross, yo. But now they’re pretty! So our cement staining/painting would have gone the same way, I thought. Let’s transform this cement into a fantasy backyard!

California is in a major drought, you guys. I don’t know if you heard but you probably did because we’re all up in arms about it and are being forced to increase our Evian budgets. What this means for our yards could be dire, unless you go native and start planting succulents. Which I like anyway because I’m too lazy to water regularly.

We actually tried to plant succulents in our dirty dirt patch last fall and that’s when we discovered cement under about 2 inches of soil. This is not enough soil to actually grow anything and my favorite succulents bit the dust. The ones that lived are these super pointy ones you see in the ground that I found out I was allergic to when one jabbed me in the arm as I was carrying it into the backyard. Of course they live on in the 2″ soil. Assholes.

But when I decided to buy more I treated those purty plants to their own pots and repotted some lovely specimens in new potting soil. Voila! Read More

All righty, then! This is our first DIY home project and we’re freaking doing it. We need a backyard we can use, and that won’t choke us out with dust. So here’s what went down.

We live in the hills which means 1) we’re super lucky to even have a backyard given the hilliness of everything; and 2) it’s impossible to grow anything that’s normal. I should add that those kids in that picture above are super up in that backyard and we need to make it kid-friendly. Which is why we knew we’d have to install a tether ball and work around that majestic piece of equipment. Besides, who doesn’t love to play tether ball? I’ll be honest, it gets me through the day.

After we put in bamboo flooring in our home to replace the awesome retro shag carpet that kids and a 15-year-old cocker spaniel (RIP, ELI) and a new puppy totally fucking wrecked, the dirt in the backyard started to show up right quick on our wood floors after we were hanging out in the dirt patch. And that’s when we realized we couldn’t hide the dirt patch anymore. We’re gonna’ kill that dirt patch. Read More

Oh, hi. We didn’t see you there. We’re just all worn out from thinking about the fun things we’re going to do to our house.

Okay, that’s just me (not pictured, but as seen here) and Aaron, the man of the house. We’re the ones that will be doing all the work. And we’re a little bit anxious about it, truthfully, especially Aaron who was recently, and repeatedly, shamed by our plumber. The one we had to call out three times to fix the same thing. Soooo, not sure how he had a leg to stand on. Anyway.

We live in LA in a mid-century modern house that we love, but given it was actually built in the mid-century, wow, are things falling apart. And given our huge plumbing bill, we’re a little low on remodeling funds. So we had this thought. Why not stop stressing out about when we’d have enough money to replace that godawful cabinetry, and just do this ourselves?

You should know that we’ve been married for almost 10 years, dating for like, 11 because we’re impulsive like that, and have never had this thought in our heads before. Let me tell you why. You see, I (April) was raised in Oklahoma and Texas and everyone did everything for themselves, including burning your own damn trash. In fact, I used to be able to fix anything on a car because it was old school before the whole computer thing happened and I wish I could still sort out how to do maintenance on my Prius. (This is probably how the Tea Party got started, right?)

Aaron, however, grew up in Southern California where you could make a call and everything was fixed. We were both very attracted to the other person’s experience. Which means, Aaron is always like, “Let’s do this ourselves!” And April is always, “Let’s valet.” Naturally, this has created, like, nothing.

But we’re going to change all that by redoing our house and yard and stuff one step at a time. Or at least we’ll try. And you’ll get to laugh at us all the way, because, people, we’re not that good at this. Unlike other super duper awesome websites, Aaron and I are 100% un-crafty and completely frightened about what’s about to happen. But shit has got to get done, and we’re going to do it. Stay tuned, it’s going to be a laugh riot. Or a cry riot. Or some kind of riot.