Monday, April 16, 2007

I've been thinking a lot recently about the War on Terror (not really, but work with me here). How do we win? How do we prevent the loss of lives of our soldiers? How can we subdue attacks on our soil that can't be stopped by Jack Bauer?

The answer became as transparent as a bag of onion rings...The Hulkster. Who is more "American" than Hulk Hogan??? I mean this guy has beaten Andre The Giant, Rocky, AND Zeus for shit's sake!!! Name one guy that has one-upped Hogan...you can't do it! Even in the late 90's when Sgt. Slaughter turned into an Iraqi sympathist, what squashed him??? HULKAMANIA!!!

And this is why I propose a two-fold plan to instill the fear of God into all the terrorists of the world. Step 1: Get rid of the outdated Stars and Stripes flag (eventhough it was created by former mayor of Napoleon, Bob Heft) and replace with it the picture above. Not only is it threatening to our foes, it is inspirational!!! I mean what says "America" better than Zubaz spandex, a weighlifting belt, a fu-manchu, indoor sunglasses, and a 'do-rag??? Go down to the Deep South, people where that outfit to work!

Second, and most importantly, get rid of the Star Spangled Banner. It's widely known that it isn't a very good song and is definitely not catchy. What the fuck is a Rampart anyway??? Even Francis Scott Key would agree with my choice for our new national anthem...that's right, Real American AKA Hulk Hogan's theme song. Now this is inspirational. Rick Derringer sang it, too, rock and roll hoochie coo. This song gets me everytime. I used to listen to it before every intramural game to get me pumped and I once scored a hat trick in broomball...so you KNOW it works. Follow some of the lyrics here:

When it comes crashing down and it hurts insideYa got to take a stand, it don't help to hideIf you hurt my friends, and you hurt my prideI got to be a man, I can't let it slideI am a real American, fight for the rights of every manI am a real American, fight for what's right, fight for your life!

Now that's inspirational. THAT is Americana. Hulk Hogan will win the war on terrorism!!! Nothing beats googling "Real American lyrics". The video, beware, you WILL get chills running down your spine whenever Hulkamania runs wild!!!