Tits and Titular Prophesies

Disaster Movie—What's in a Name?

Halfway through Disaster Movie (the new spoof-y film from the guys behind Scary Movie, Epic Movie, Date Movie, etc.) Kim Kardashian dies, thereby killing the only thing(s) worth watching in this frat-tastic piece of poo. Honestly, that woman's secondary sex characteristics never cease to amaze me. Who looks like that? God?

Disaster Movie crams celebrity look-alikes (It's Flava Flav! It's Javier Bardem! It's, um, that guy from High School Musical!), pop culture references, and homophobic/women-hating rhetoric into every stupid frame. (Girls with facial hair are ugly! Gays are funny! Beowulf is gay and that's wrong and funny!) And speaking of High School Musical, there are about 500 singing and dancing numbers throughout the film. To be honest, I didn't really mind these scenes, as they were a pleasant respite from otherwise wooden line readings pretending to be "jokes."

The plot mimics Cloverfield, with a group of young, attractive people caught up in some kind of catastrophic happening (I just realized they forgot to parody The Happening. Yay!) in a big city, and from there it devolves into a series of stupid one-liners with no purpose other than to incite audience members to name-check movie titles to each other faster than you can say "Juno."

Let me paint you a word picture of just how terrible and unfunny this movie truly is: At one point, G. Thang's character gets a phone call from his shoe a la Get Smart, but instead of a clean, rubbery shoe surface on which to rest his cheek, he finds himself suddenly covered in the feces he accidentally stepped on at some point. He then proceeds to smear it all over his face for, oh, I don't know, like an hour or something. I stopped watching at this point, hid my face in my hands, and wept silently to myself because I was watching Disaster Movie instead of Barack Obama's speech at the DNC. The things I do for you people.