Teaching girls resilience

By Justin Coulson |

Resilient girls are courageous. They are creative, energetic, and are able to adapt to new situations. And resilient girls are not afraid to try something tough.

Many girls are highly resilient when they are young. Many girls remain resilient as they progress through primary school. But in the final couple of years of primary school, from around the ages of 11-13 years old, girls enter a danger age and their resilience receives a battering:

Girls expectations of future success are affected by past or present failures more than successes.

Girls attribute failure to intrinsic factors, and success to extrinsic factors (it’s the opposite way for boys)

Girls blame themselves more than boys.

Girls take less credit for their successes than boy.

At around the age of 11-13 some girls begin to lose their voice. Part of this may be related to the physical changes in boys who get bigger, louder, and stronger. But there are several other challenges girls face. Most of these challenges centre on physical and social concerns.

Physical concerns

Girls become preoccupied with their body image in their tween and teen years. Much of this may be related to media exposure and social expectations. They attempt to attain an impossible standard of beauty, and obviously consistently fall short. Girls also begin to experience objectification. There is strong pressure for girls to accommodate others, and in particular boys’ desires of them.

Social concerns

Girls are typically more involved, socially, than boys. Girls seem to present a greater fear of rejection or exclusion from a group than boys do. As a result many girls will just ‘follow the crowd’. In this way they can also lose their voice, undermining their confidence in themselves, and diminishing their resilience.

Strong relationships provide the solution

Girls need parents to help them resist the destructive messages that permeate society. These messages of denigration, objectification, and marginalisation reduce girls’ self-esteem. After all, society tells girls they only exist to satisfy someone else’s wants – and without strong relationships to prove otherwise, some girls accept this. With lower levels of self-esteem (based on the shaky foundation of denigrating, objectifying norms and expectations) many girls’ resilience is reduced. Because these girls feel less worthy and capable of doing anything, their relationships with others suffer.

But girls can be resilient. Many girls are resilient. And there are many examples of girls who become strong and effective leaders and examples to others. These girls usually have relationships with parents and friends that foster resilience through mutual understanding, kindness, and compassion. Moreover, relationships that promote a resilient mindset also create enthusiasm, a sense of worth, productivity, clarity, and a desire for even more connection… and connection fortifies kids, especially when that connection is helpful in meeting challenges and achieving growth.

Girls fare better if they share a strong, positive, mutual relationship with a competent adult. Their ability to participate in the relationship, voice an opinion, make decisions, and discuss challenges fortifies them, and promotes growth and resilience.

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This article was written for Kidspot by Justin Coulson, Ph. D. Justin is a relationships and parenting expert, author and father of five children. Find him on Facebook, Twitter, and at happyfamilies.com.au.