I M Perfect.....and it is impossible not to be!

Examples of an Imperfect woman

10/01/2017

Brene Brown goes on to say, in her new book "Braving The Wilderness" - about dehumanizing.

"Challenging ourselves to live by higher standards requires constant diligence and awareness. We're so saturated by these words and images, we're close to normalizing moral exceptions. In addition to diligence and awareness, we need courage. Dehumanizing works because people who speak out against what are often sophisticated enemy image campaigns - or people who fight to make sure that all of us are morally included and extend basic human rights - often face harsh consequences."

"An important example is the debate around Black Lives Matter, Blue Lives Matter, and All Lives Matter. Can you believe that black lives matter and also care deeply about the well- being of police officers? Of course. Can you care about the well- being of police officers and at the same time be concerned about abuse of power and systemic racism in law enforcement and the criminal justice system? Yes. I have relatives who are police officers - I can't tell you how deeply I care about their safety and well-being. I do almost all of my pro bono work with the military and public servants like the police - I care. And when we care, we should all want the systems to reflect the honor and dignity of the people who serve in those systems."

"But then, if it's the case that we can care about the citizens and the police, shouldn't the rally cry just be All Lives Matter? No. Because the humanity wasn't stripped from all lives the way it was stripped from the lives of black citizens. In order for slavery to work, in order for us to buy and sell, beat and trade people, like animals, Americans had to completely dehumanize slaves. And whether we directly participated in that or were simply a member of the culture that at one time normalized that behavior, it shaped us. We can't undo that level of dehumanizing in one or two generations. I believe that Black Lives Matter is a movement to rehumanize black citizens. All lives matter, but not all lives need to be pulled back into the moral inclusion. Not all people were subjected to the psychological process of dehumanizing and being made less than human so we could justify the inhumane practice of slavery."

"Is there tension and vulnerability in supporting both the police and the activists? Hell, yes. It's the wilderness. But most of the criticism comes from people who are intent on forcing these false either/or dichotomies and shaming us for not hating the right people. It's definitely messier taking a nuanced stance, but it's also critically important to true belonging."

"Another example of straddling the tension of supporting a system we love and holding accountable comes from one of the research participants, a former athlete from Penn State. He took a strong stand as an advocate for the abuse survivors who suffered due to the silence of the football program and Joe Paterno's protection of Jerry Sandusky. He said he couldn't believe how hateful some of his friends were, friends he'd known for thirty years. He said, "When you love a place like we love Penn (State), you fight to make it better, to own our problems and fix them. You don't pretend that everything's okay. That's not loyalty or love, that's fear."

"When the culture of any organization mandates that it is more important to protect the reputation of a system and those in power than it is to protect the basic human dignity of the individuals who serve that system or who are served by that system, you can be certain that the shame is systemic, the money is driving the ethics, and the accountability is all but dead. This is true in corporations, nonprofits, universities, governments, faith communities, schools, families and sports programs. If you think back on any major scandal fueled by cover-ups, you'll see this pattern. And the restitution and resolution of cover-ups almost always happens in the wilderness - when one person steps outside their bunker and speaks their truth."

"As we think about our journey from "fitting in" to striding into the wilderness of true belonging, we will be well served by understanding and recognizing the boundaries of respecting everyone's physical safety, and not participating in experiences or communities that utilize language and/or engage in behaviors that dehumanize people. I think calling the latter "emotional safety" is inaccurate. We're not talking about hurt feelings; we're talking about the very foundation of physical danger and violence." Brene Brown

Okay, where do I begin to begin.

What I love about this, is she has put language to what I have been experiencing from family and church.

My frustrations have been when others can't see how when they worry more about the reputation of the institution/group etc, they are turning away from the treatment that has been dehumanizing.

Can it really be a group of substance and value, when you are working to cover-up or uphold its reputation AFTER knowing abuse and dehumanizing acts have happened??

What are you upholding???

When church members, past and present, come in and try and convince me of the holy reputation of the First Apostolic Lutheran Church, I know they are not seeing the abused. They are instead choosing to uphold and be part of keeping its pristine reputation alive. Meanwhile, I am speaking out as a victim of sexual abuse.

The two pathways have no common ground.

As my family continues to gather, celebrate and connect - maintaining its family like qualities, I stand back, doing what Brene writes about.

"we will be well served by understanding and recognizing the boundaries of respecting everyone's physical safety, and not participating in experiences or communities that utilize language and/or engage in behaviors that dehumanize people."

09/29/2017

"You are only free when you realize you belong no place - you belong every place - no place at all. The price is high. The reward is great" Maya Angelou.

I began reading Brene Brown's new book "Braving the Wilderness.

I love this part.

"Belonging is the innate human desire to be part of something larger than us. Because this yearning is so primal, we often try to acquire it by fitting in and by seeking approval, which are not only hollow substitutes for belonging, but often barriers to it. Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance."

"This definition has withstood the test of time as well as the emergence of new data, but it is incomplete. There's much more to true belonging. Being ourselves means sometimes having to find courage to stand alone, totally alone. Even as I wrote this, I still thought of belonging as requiring something external to us - something we secured by, yes showing up in a real way, but needing an experience that always involved others. So as I dug deeper into true belonging, it became clear that it's not something we achieve or accomplish with others; it's something we carry in our heart. Once we belong thoroughly to ourselves and believe thoroughly in ourselves, true belonging is ours."

"Belonging to ourselves means being called to stand alone - to brave the wilderness of uncertainty, vulnerability, and criticism. And with the world feeling like a political and ideological combat zone, this is remarkably tough. We seem to have forgotten that even when we're utterly alone, we're connected to one another by something greater than group membership, politics, and ideology - that we're connected by love and human spirit. No matter how separate we are by what we think and believe, we are part of the same spiritual story."

DEFINING TRUE BELONGING

"I'm a qualitative grounded theory researcher. The goal of grounded theory is to develop theories based on people's lived experiences rather than proving or disproving existing theories. In grounded theory, researchers try to understand what we call "the main concern" of study participants. When it comes to belong, I asked: What are people trying to achieve? What are they worried about?"

"The answer was surprisingly complex. They want to be a part of something - to experience real connection with others - but not at the cost of their authenticity, freedom, or power. Participants further reported feeling surrounded by "us verses them" cultures that create feelings of spiritual disconnection. When I dug deeper into what they meant by "spiritually disconnected," the research participants described a diminishing sense of shared humanity. Over and over, participants talked about their concern that the only thing that binds us together now is shared fear and disdain, not common humanity, shared trust, respect or love. They reported feeling more afraid to disagree or debate with friends, colleagues, and family because of the lack of civility and tolerance."

"Reluctant to choose between being loyal to a group and being loyal to themselves, but lacking that deeper spiritual connection to shared humanity, they were far more aware of the pressure to "fit in" and conform. Connection to a larger humanity gives people more freedom to express their individuality without fear of jeopardizing belonging. This is the spirit, which now seems missing, of saying, "Yes, we are different in many ways, but under it all we're deeply connected."

"As I was defining the main concern related to belonging, I went back to The Gifts of Imperfection to look up the definition of spirituality that had emerged from my 2010 data:

"Spirituality is recognizing and celebrating that we are all inextricably connected to each other by a power greater than all of us, and that our connection to that power and to one another is grounded in love and compassion."

"I kept reading the words "inextricably connected" over and over. We've broken that link. And in the next chapter, I'm going to show you how and why we broke it. The rest of the book is about fixing it - finding our way back to one another." Brene Brown.

This part really struck me, for I have often stood alone in the past 12 or so years.

And, while I have been alone, more often than not, I did truly feel that I truly belonged to Me.

"Once we belong thoroughly to ourselves and believe thoroughly in ourselves, true belonging is ours."

This is so true in my experience.

And, I also believe that the main part of my estrangement IS the lack of spirituality - a deeper sense beneath beliefs and ideology of family - there seemed to be a lack of humanity.

In many dialogues, as we tried to make sense of the world of dysfunction, abuse, cults etc, we would often wonder about the humanity part.

How could humanity treat other humans this way.

So, there are two main components to my aloneness.

One being I wasn't willing to join a group and give up on my authenticity...and then, the lack of being able to connect on a human level. There just didn't seem to be 'something' beneath their beliefs.

It was as if nothing lived deeper within them.

Where I found, and connected to a little girl or a lady who was just waking up to who she was, others lacked this.

Or, perhaps never showed it to me.

Their agenda to save the family, stand by the parent etc, may have disallowed them to show me what lie beneath. Did their authenticity disagree with the group they were wanting to be part of?

It is as if the 'love' that the family defined was the only level there was. I couldn't tap into a deeper more individual self who belonged only to themselves.

Mostly, it appeared, that their inner world belonged to the larger group called family and/or religion.

A woman, who was from the Old Apostolic Lutheran Church, I will never forget. There was nothing deeper than what she had been taught. There wasn't an individual who could speak or move outside of what her church had taught her.

Unless and until you are free and belong only to yourself; you will not be able to see the level of humanity lacking.

Unless you believe in their religion, there simply isn't nothing to relate to.

There is no humanity beneath.

Just as I felt in my family of origin. IF, I didn't agree with the family pattern, there was no land for us to relate to each other on.

I could only see and feel the family agenda.

I can't wait to read how Brene writes in how we lost humanity and how we can get it back.

I also agree with her sentence "Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance."

What I have felt and experienced most is the low levels of self-acceptance. How this one place leaves you with very little to connect to.

How can we connect with each other, IF one of us has no real love and acceptance of who they are??

This just resonates deep within me.

Imagine, "our belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance." I know, that my full acceptance of all me, the abused, the confused, the mental, the denial, etc, helped me connect deeply and belong fully to me.

09/19/2017

"The problem with complaining, is complaining is energy spent, that you could have spent asking questions.

The problem with blaming other people and blaming them two months later, and two years later, is that Blaming takes energy. Blaming takes energy and its energy that you could spend asking questions.

What did I Learn? What will I do differently. How will I recognize it the next time it comes around?

Needy, draining people, rarely have questions. Because if you have questions and you're curious, then you have entered into the accumulation of wisdom, and you probably won't be as needy and draining as you used to be." Rob Bell

What I love about this idea, is that it truly flips around your focus from the outside back to you.

And, it is so empowering.

I know, that when I was able to ask myself, for example - "Why am I waiting on a call from someone who doesn't call?" It freed me to no longer wait. I wasn't complaining about why they didn't call, I was more looking at why I was waiting.

Asking questions of yourself is so liberating and you get to know who you are and why you do what you do.

It leaves others doing their own business and you are too busy asking questions to complain.

I have found, that most often complaining is wishing others would do something. Being curious about our relationships is so enthralling. It brings you to the present of how the relationship is. Which, I guess is why most don't ask. They truly don't want to know if and when a relationship is over.

For most often, when you stop complaining and start asking questions, the relationship ends. But, it was most likely over a long time ago. You are just now catching on.

Curiosity doesn't try and make things how you would like them; but rather how it is. You may lose family and friends when you become curious.

Curiosity is looking for what is.

It is a reality seeker.

Or, perhaps curiosity only works if you are interested in seeking the truth, authenticity and reality.

Otherwise, complaining keeps you engage in something that is no longer working.

You are connected, but complaining about it.

I have very little to complain about. If anything.

If there is a complaint, that means I have to research what I am doing and why?

In moments where complaints seem appropriate, most often, there is an imbalance.

Some imbalances are okay short term. But, if they go on too long, 'something' needs to change.

Either the way you think about it or literally doing something different.

Complainers really are energy suckers. And, they appear unwilling to change their life situations and feel that complaining is doing something - I guess.

Complaining is a waste of time - it doesn't spark the creative energies of change.

It doesn't change you and it certainly doesn't change someone else.

You can ask for what you need. You might get it.

But, I am more curious as to why you don't move, change, begin, etc.

I see complainers as standing in one place "hoping" things will change.

Life passes you by as you complain in hope.

There truly is wisdom when you begin to question. Often that wisdom is not welcome.

We don't want to know know know, that our sister doesn't care.

Nor do we want to know how we settle for so little.

A crumb; now and again.

More often, we don't know who to create a relationship that has mutual respect and the pendulum swings from giving and receiving.

Question asking brings awareness.

This awareness often feels sad and hopeless.

But, it is only the state of the relationship you may have with yourself.

You are not asking for more.

I didn't get more from my family of origin.

I got more from myself.

With that, came boundaries and expectations for me.

I began creating an authentic relationship with myself.

The freedom I have to be me, say what I need to say, do what I need to do, and allows others to do the same.

I no longer wait for a phone call that didn't want to be made.

Nor, do I wait for a caring mother.

I mothered Me.

If you haven't questioned yourself or are curious as to why you do what you do, I highly suggest trying.

I used to be a person that didn't look deeply or stare intently at anything.

Contents didn't matter.

Surface did.

I used to even live a surface life.

What mattered most, was what people saw. The outward appearances defined me.

The facade of life.

I was an empty word.

Inside the word woman was a place without meaning.

I was a composite of the church's beliefs. Sins of what not to do, caged me.

I think you could almost see the strings that bound me.

The word woman, as it pertained to me, was void of anything of value, color, desire, truthfulness, authenticity, empowerment, freedom, love, peace and joy.

I was a very controlled limited surface woman.

No deep diving into the word was necessary.

I was defined by my religion - first and for most.

And, the dysfunctional part, due to abuse, held me tight control. Others, may lose control completely, but mine was displayed by the lack of freedom to be...Me.

Perhaps the empty word woman, was more filled with the abused affects.

I was a woman, but I didn't control me.

I was, a dutiful daughter, a submissive wife, a friend to everyone - disloyal to me.

Once I fully inhabited the word woman, I became to inhabit other words as well.

Or, I guess, I brought my lady to all aspects of my life.

She was no longer eager to be controlled, or abiding or dutiful. She was free.

And, she used her free will.

She set up boundaries and began to form herself.

The difference between the woman I was, and the woman I have become is like a black and white drawing and one of many colors. A picture in the lines and one who dares go beyond the behaviors of conformity.

I believe, that if you are a woman of depth and substance, you will bring her to all your other identifying words. Just as an empty woman brings that.

Nothing of her.

I recall, shortly after breaking free of denial, I looked around my house and knew it wasn't me who had decorated it. I was nowhere to be seen.

In the beginning it was terrifying to see me nowhere and then equally exhilarating to begin adding me into my life.

I had woke up from denying me.

The empty woman was filling up.

And, I feel that I have come a long way, but each new experience, new boundary I place I am creating and adding to the woman Me.

The fuller I am, the less I worry about how others see me.

There truly is freedom, beyond the good opinion of others.

What they think of me IS THEIR business, not mine.

When you are a codependent woman, others matter. For you are not free. You are entangled in their worlds to get your meaning and to feel complete.

I unplugged everyone a long time ago.

I am solely responsible for my happiness, my love, my joy and Peace.

I dove deeply into my tangled mess of abuse and have create a space within now that is full of what I feel rings true for me.

My content is full of Me.

Empty now of religion and its droning.

Silent of my dysfunctional family's shame and guilt.

I can see why the spiritual teachers use the analogy of a cocoon and butterfly.

For that truly is how it feels.

From the dark confines of controlled fear into the wide open spaces of being free.

Each choice we make, each step we take, will either empty the word woman out or fill her up.

I have been ridiculed, shunned and turned away from, as I walked a completely different walk after denial. And, there is nothing I would trade for my journey now.

06/29/2017

We have two days left for the first half of the year, it is amazing how quickly time goes by!

I went back and read my New Year's blog, and mostly what I had said was that I didn't expect anything from the year; but I wondered what new things I would add to me this year? How would I spend my time?

With half a year gone, I have done so many things for the first time or reignited old things I used to do. It has opened up new doors and new friends have entered!

The first half of the year is on track, and I am excited to see what I add for the second.

Life is lived in the days and moments. What we say yes to and how much we put into a day. Making plans and dreaming of new adventures to accomplish.

At 58, I feel that my life is mostly lived. Meaning, I have done more living than I have yet to go.

In last third of my life or the third act, I hope to continue to add new things; to do something for the first time!

This act alone makes you feel younger.

As each new day dawns, there are endless ways in which we can chose to play.

I feel the sands of time seeping past, my hour glass showing more passing of time; than what I have left to live. And, I don't want to waste them or wait for "another day". Today, is the day in which we live.

To look deeper into what we see each day. Look and take note of how many moments of joy we have in one day.

Cheryl Sandberg, who wrote "Option B" said that joy brings hope.

When she was at her lowest, she challenged herself to find 5 moments of joy each day.

They can be simple, like "hot tea".

Imagine, how many moments of joy will be added up in a year! And, those are only the ones you are aware of!

Joy often is the absence of pain, worry, or sadness.

Life is packed with so much that we don't notice; until we decide to seek it out.

I sought out adventures and they keep coming in.

I wanted to live a life of love, peace and joy and they continue to pop up in the most unusual places!

06/28/2017

Broken relationships will not mend with silence. Nor, will they be repaired with time. I believe, that there has to be a movement of some kind; someone has to walk backwards and wipe away the line that was drawn in the sand.

Someone has to call uncle and withdraw their original beef.In order for the old peace to be won. A truce called.

I don’t believe you can leap frog over a dozen years and land in the present and reconnect without a cost.

While it has been many years of broken relationships with my family of origin, each of us is holding something we value.

Something we value MORE than the relationship we have with each other.

I am not the only one who is ‘holding out’.

Each of the broken ones have a different voltage with me.

I guess the more energy I put into the relationship, the longer it lingers in my body, mind and soul.

The ways in which my mother and I broke apart were felt for a long time. Mostly in how I didn’t really know her. And the affect of her actions upon me. And, how I had to rebuild myself into a reverse image of her.

In order to reconnect, I would have to reverse my ways to look more like hers.

“Birds of a feather, flock together…”

Mostly, I feel that the broken relationships broke for a reason. Each of us were unwilling to break who we were; so it was easier to break apart.

For my side, I was no longer able to lie to myself; to be untruthful to me. I had just found myself. A broken self who had just discovered her abuse. I wouldn’t leave her feelings and refused to lighten the abuse or water down its affects.

There was no grace or light that could erase magically this part of my biography.

In standing with my broken self, I stood against abuse; and those who supported the abusers even if by their silence.

When I look backwards at what I could have done different, I am always led back to me.

To be with me and my truth.

In order to mend the broken relationships, I would have to break me.

It would mean going back on my words to myself.

To let my wounded little girl go silent and stuff that part of my biology back into the dark.

It may seem like an easy road back; but it would be littered with parts of me.

I recall feeling like each new truth was bringing a part of me back to myself. So, to reverse the journey, it would be to give parts of me away.

I whole heartedly believe, that I would truly lose my mind, self and soul to start cutting me up now; aware. To die while alive.

I believe that parts of me were stolen bit by bit; either by religion or abuse, or just society’s rules.

Now, I am a whole being.

I embrace all of my biology, warts and all.

In doing so, I am unwilling to break me apart for any relationship.

While there is grief over what I have lost; the bigger tragedy would be to lose Me.

I have a grasp on my integrity and authenticity.

It has taken me dozen plus years to get all the pieces back that I gave away in lies, to be like, to get along, to be a good church person, a daughter, a sister etc.

My old life cost me Me.

To sweep away the past 12 years and jump back into old relationships, would be to travel back in time and become the old me.

04/15/2017

Martha Beck wrote about honesty check-ins. Where you set a timer and when the buzzer rings throughout your day, you see if what you are doing is in agreement with your truth.

"At your first few honesty check-ins, you may notice nothing at all. Or you may feel only a twitch of nerves, a wisp of sadness. Ask yourself, What could this sensation be trying to tell me? If no answer arises, that's okay. Just write "I don't know," set the timer again, and repeat. Your truth is like a wild animal; if it's been attacked or suppressed, it may take some time to show itself. Be gentle. With time and repetition, you'll eventually connect."

"When a new truth comes up, it may be a simple yes or no, or a flood of realizations: Maybe you don't want to say no to your mother for fear of losing her love. Or you hate business trips (that's why you always get migraines on planes!) Or you're dying to be outdoors, not cooped up inside. Write down everything without judgement. If your smack-dab in pure authenticity, write about the joy. If you've been lying until your pants burst into flames, write about the misery and anger."

"An honesty day is a hero's saga. With each check-in, you'll come closer to your real moment-to-moment truth. As the Good Book says, that alone is enough to set you free. Over time, when you become more aware of the ways you deceive yourself, you may begin making subtle (or not so subtle) behavior shifts. You may choose authenticity more often. Obligations may become unbearable. Unwanted relationships will wither; better ones will blossom."

"This is addictive stuff. My own honesty day led to another, then a week, a year, and then an indefinite commitment. Take it from me: You're about to change your life. The more honest you are, the more you'll find yourself doing what you love, with people you love, in places you love. You'll realize that nothing really true is unloving, and nothing unloving is ever really true. That wild creature, your true self, will come to meet you, then guide you home, one day at a time. Honestly." Martha

What I LOVE about this concept is this one line. "That nothing really true is unloving!"

And, she is so right. The more truthful I became in my life, the more there was to love about it.

If you are not loving your life, there is a real good chance you are not being your honest self as you respond to life.

I will try and make checks today, to see what I am doing and how I feel about it.

I don't like how I feel when I am doing something I don't want to do. There truly is a huge difference between what I love and what I don't love.

03/09/2017

Yesterday the act of refusing stuck with me. How rarely it is actually used, especially by women. We tend to be the peace makers, the fixers, the pleasers and so we shy away from refusals in any form.

At least this was the kind of woman I was.

I was actually queen of keeping calm waters.

I know that I have almost PTSD moments when refusals are present.

The old habit of mine squirms uncomfortably as I resist being the peace keeper.

It is hard to watch someone refuse.

For, you know conflict is coming.

Each person is trying to be heard.

In the past, one of my bad relationship habits was silence. I would brood and give the cold shoulder. This I believe was due to not knowing how to express myself.

Not only express, but to stand by who I was.

It is hard to be in a conflict when you are in conflict of who you are.

I was a chameleon for so many years. I would go the way of peace keeping.

Whatever made the relationship flow better, that was the position I took.

When I didn't have the tools for standing up for me, I grew silent.

Stormy silent.

I would get mad at the other person, instead of expressing what was inside of me.

Now, I am much better at conflict, and getting real good at refusals.

I believe you have to have a firm image of who you are, OR who you are seeking to become, in order to stand opposed.

What I didn't realize until yesterday, that this ability to stand against, to refuse and oppose, is not in everyone's tool box. That it is a bold move and one that looks courageous from the outside.

It takes knowing who you are, and even more importantly, who you are not!

Refusing is the opposite of being a people pleaser and a pretend peace keeper. Cause if you are doing something just for the peace of it, more than likely it isn't what you truly would love to do.

I also thought, that it will rarely be the ones in power to refuse inequality or unfairness. What tips the scales of justice are the victims refusing to be a victim any longer.

The powerless find their own inner power and refuse!

This is a beautiful thing for me to watch happen. I love this. This is were my passion is.

The reason I love my quilts that show my inner evolution is how I grew by refusing.

Refusing to get back in line and to be silent.

For in that silence, lays a soul unexpressed.

My speaking out and being very open about abuse, is my refusal to be less than who I was born to be.

Refusing is positive, when it used to stand by your truth.

I refused to pretend.

I refused to overlook.

I refused to not embrace all of me.

By refusing to neglect the darkest part of me, I was able to accept and love me as I am.

There is no part of me and life that I refuse to accept.

Here is a quote I read at the Gala where I gave the keynote...

"The people who have lost their parents and families due to abuse deserve the utmost respect and support. These people have risked it all to heal and stand up for the truth. These people are heroes and angels who hold a horrific reality for everyone else. They have suffered and escaped, and for that, I bow my head in reverence." Rythea Lee