December 30, 2013

My mother once explained her attraction to my father to me. She said that among the young men in her crowd he was "the best of the not-very-good dancers." In that spirit, we continue saluting the best of the not-very-good Ad Contrarian posts from 2013. Here's one from October.

The advertising industry has become too respectable, too congenial, and too polite.

We are in desperate need of troublemakers. We need shit-disturbers. We need hell-raisers.

We need the kind of quarrelsome, pugnacious, opinionated people that make the arts vibrant and interesting.

There's way too much consensus. Way too much cordiality. Way too little controversy in advertising.

Attending
an advertising conference these days is like going to an insurance
seminar. It is full of bland, head-nodding jargon-monkeys who are very
keen on swallowing whole the conventional blather of smug "experts."

Nobody seems inclined to challenge the wearisome assertions of modern-day wizards, no matter how many times they've been wrong.

It's
all backwards. Rebelliousness is supposed to be a characteristic of
youth. But the only people I hear wailing about the insufferable tedium
of ad-think these days are old fools like me.

It ain't
supposed to be this way. We need people who aren't afraid to get up on
stage at the next "big data" conference and pull their pants down.

We need people who aren't afraid to break a layout over a client's head.

December 23, 2013

Today at Ad Contrarian Worldwide Headquarters we continue to post our faves from 2013. Here's one from June.

I hate working.

I hate sitting in an
office. I hate going to meetings. I hate writing performance reviews. I
hate "nurturing" people. I hate listening to bullshit artists and
know-nothing loudmouths who dominate our business. Yet somehow I managed
to have a reasonably successful career.

Here are my 7 secrets of success.

1. Assume everyone is faking it.
Nobody knows a thing about advertising. All the rules are bullshit.
There are a few people who can make good ads. That's all there is.

2. Preparation is everything. If you are not the
best prepared person in every meeting you are just another empty
t-shirt. You will never get your way and you will always be second rate.

3. Do as little work as possible at the office.
Do your real work at home. It's almost impossible to do anything useful
in an office. Offices are for meetings and phone calls and memos and emails and Powerpoints and
politics and bullshit.

4. Worry about everything. If you don't worry you don't care. Figure out what's going to go wrong and be prepared when it does.

5. Stay as far away from big organizations as possible.
Corporations will suck all the joy out of your life and all the life
out of your joy. Corporations are poison, and the more they pay you the
more they own you.

6. Pay no attention to the industry.
The more you read about what other agencies or other clients are doing
the more you're going to become a cliché spewing zombie. Figure things
out for yourself.

7. Be satisfied. You don't
have to work for the biggest agency in the world or be the best art
director on the planet to be successful and happy. You're not going to
be Bill Bernbach anyway, so forget about it. If you're doing work that
is respectable, and you're not suffering 90% of the time, you're way
ahead of most of the poor bastards in this business. Enjoy it.

December 20, 2013

We are continuing our favorites of 2013 parade. This one was posted the day after Omnicom and Publicis announced they were merging.

I would like to be all outraged and upset by the announcement that
Omnicom and Publicis are merging. But I can't. It is just the
advertising industry's way of telling us that it has joined the parade.

As
in so many other fields, the ad industry has discovered that it is way
more profitable to provide a mediocre product to a lot of people than a
high quality product to a few.

Just look at the airline
industry, the banking industry, the telecom industry, the fast food
industry. They provide mediocre products to massive markets. It's what
huge companies do. It's what markets demand.

If you're a
lazy, aristocratic CMO of a global corporation do you want to go out
and find the best creative agency in Indonesia? The best digital agency
in Korea? The best media agency in Argentina? Are you fucking kidding?
That takes work.

Hire a worldwide bullshit factory and
let some account director worry about it. You have powerpoints to
prepare and conferences to address and, soon, football games to attend.

The
boys in the management suite will applaud your wisdom for hiring one
entity that can "do it all" (yeah, right) and "save you money" (yeah,
right) at the same time.

Hiring OmniPub (or whatever dreadful name they've come up with) turns laziness into a virtue, and stupidity into foresight.

It is the perfect solution for the emptiness of our time.

The
newspaper articles, the business magazines, the TV pundits, and the
bloggers will all be busy reporting on how this will affect the clients
of this new agency, and what the profit picture is for Wall Street, and
which big shots will get new offices and which ones will get walking
papers.

No one will report on the important stuff. No one will talk to the rank and file who work for these monkeys and can tell us the truth about how corrupt, disjointed, unmanageable, and feckless they already are -- before they double in size.

But you know what? Nobody gives a shit.

No one is willing to spend for quality. No one wants to
pay for service. No one cares to work very hard.

December 19, 2013

We are continuing our rerun of favorite posts from 2013. Here's one from May.

After a few years in the business world, something occurred to me. I
realized that the majority of the people I met in business were
astonishingly stupid.

Years later I was sitting around a
bar with a couple of my agency colleagues. We had won a very important
piece of business from a world class client. We were working with the
very top people at the client and we were astounded by their
shallowness.

A few drinks into the evening one of my
colleagues turned to me and said, "I keep thinking that some day we'll
meet the smart ones."

At that moment I recalled a
conversation I had had years earlier. A friend introduced me to a
business concept he called "achieving orbit."

With
enough energy, a satellite will escape the gravitational pull of earth
and will achieve orbit. Once it achieves orbit, it operates on its own.
It will circle under its own power for years. And the only way to knock
it down is to get in its way.

Businesses are like this,
too, he claimed. After a certain period of success, they can achieve
orbit and stay successful without much added energy.

Many
companies are powered by products or services initiated years or even
decades ago. And barring a horrible accident, they will stay in orbit.
They persevere largely on inertia.

That's why all the
monkeys running around having meetings and writing memos really aren't
doing that much harm. It's why clueless managers really can't do too
much damage. It's why all the CEOs and COOs buzzing around in their golf
carts usually aren't fatal.

Of course, there are some
industries, like technology, that need constant updating. But think
about the market leaders in automobiles, food, soda, beer, fast food,
dairy, snacks, candy, paper towels, toasters...for the most part, the
market leaders today were the market leaders 30 years ago.

From
time to time there come along some people who are so stupid that they
knock a successful company out of orbit. But mostly, orbiting companies
consist of people running around in circles pretending to make
contributions. As long as they don't mess with the color of the box, or
build a 3-wheeler, or change the flavor to grape, they usually can't
screw things up too badly.

Businesses are successful in spite of all these monkeys, not because of them.

December 18, 2013

For the holidays, I'm taking a few weeks off from blogging and re-publishing
some of my favorite posts of the past year. Here's one from last February.

We are so used to massive bullshit in the advertising business that it really takes something special to shock us.

I'm happy to say, however, that our industry is up to the challenge. You want bullshit that's something special? We got it.

Last weekend I came across a truly outstanding exercise in painful marketing drivel, and I'm proud to share it with you.

It is hard to believe that an agency would actually allow this nonsense on its website.
But not only is it on the website, it is the lead copy on their landing
page and, apparently, the underpinning of their philosophy.

Buckle up:

Co-creating
with
brands
and
people
in
the
Phygital
world.
Modern
consumers
are
"connected
protagonists."
They
are
the
heroes
of
their
own
stories
and,
thanks
to
technology,
they
now
have
access
to
an
audience
of
unprecedented
size.
This
presents
brands
with
powerful
new
opportunities
for
growth,
if
brands
give
consumers
the
currency
to
create
and
share
better
stories.
That
currency
is
content - be
it
entertainment,
connection,
experience
or
information - as
long
as
it
is
created
with
the
understanding
that
we
live
in
a
Phygital
world,
where
the
physical
and
digital
parts
of
our
lives
are
one
and
the
same.
We
believe
that
only
through
co-creating
currency
with
brands
and
people - instead
of
for
people - can
you
guarantee
authentic
engagements
that
consumers
value
and
want
to
share.
Momentum
provides
to
marketers - in
thought
and
action - the
ideas
that
engage
the
connected
protagonist
to
build
value
for
brands
and
people.

Wow. Let's forget all the usual hogwash
-- the co-creating, and the engaging, and the sharing, and the currency
(note to author -- you seem to have forgotten "ecosystem." Points off.)
Let's get to the fun stuff.

The "connected protagonist." He sounds like an amiable guy with an unsevered umbilicus.

And
how are you gonna beat Phygital? I mean, c'mon. It's awesome. It's
Stupiculous! If they gave awards for just plain dumbness, Phygital would
get double platinum. Maybe quadruple (what comes after quadruple?)

Which
gets me thinking. They give awards for everything else in the ad
business. Why not for the only thing we're really good at -- bullshit?

December 17, 2013

Lazy bastard that I am, a few years ago I decided that a good way to take a few weeks off from blogging around the holidays was to re-publish some of my favorite posts of the year. So for the next couple of weeks we're going to be in re-runs. Here's one from last January.

One of the great things about the marketing world is that
if things get really bad, if everything is caving in around you, if your
whole world is crumbling and you desperately need a laugh, you can
always Google "Pepsi marketing" and have yourself a hearty chuckle.

Just
spend a few minutes rooting around in their amazing alternate universe
and you're sure to find a treasure trove of fun, guaranteed to put a
smile on your face.

Here at Ad Contrarian Labs, we have been chronicling the wonderfully entertaining,
yet seriously preposterous, goings-on at Pepsi for years. And every
time we think it can't get any more silly, we are proven wrong.

As we predicted years ago...

"PepsiCo's soda business is in the midst of an epic, historic collapse."

"In Q3 2012,
volume at its American division declined 3%, driven by a 4% decline in
North America. There was a 7% revenue decline to $5.5 billion. In March
2011, Pepsi was humbled as Diet Coke became the nation's No.2 favorite
drink behind Coke, and Pepsi slipped to No.3. Diet Pepsi is only the 7th
most-drunk soda in the U.S."

Gosh. Whodathunkit?

But don't worry. In an article that appeared recently,
they seem to have a whole new vocabulary of knucklehead double-talk
(Pepsi leads the league in that category) that is sure to save them.
This comes from the Pepsi Global Beverage GroupForesight Director.
Yes, they actually have someone called that. The more dreadful
their business gets, the more ridiculously pompous their titles get.

I wonder how the Global Beverage GroupForesight Directorgets along with the President-Global Enjoymentand the Global Chief Marketing Officer-Hydration. I'm starting to believe the most creative employee in the company is the HR nitwit who comes up with these breathtaking titles.

As
an aside, I think I have a good strategy for bringing Pepsi's beverage
business back to life. Fire all the overfed worldwide globalizers and
hire an Ad Managerwho'll let the agency make some decent fucking ads.

But I digress...

TheGlobal Beverage GroupForesight Director thinks he has the solution to Pepsi's problems. He says...

"There's a growing realisation that ... innovation has to come out of the brand soul."

Apparently, in the ever more ludicrous lexicon of brand babble, brands no longer have DNA, now they have soul.

It seems that innovation has not
been coming out of Pepsi's "brand soul." It's been coming out of their ass, or the janitor's closet or something. Now they are searching
for the brand's soul and -- pop -- out will come the innovations. Sounds
like fun.

I wonder how much a branding
consultant is going to charge them to find the brand's soul? Personally,
I wouldn't do it for less than 2 million.

TheGlobal Beverage GroupForesight Director also thinks it's important

"...that people running a brand share a "sense of
being" with its buyers"

As a sometime Pepsi
buyer, it is very clear to me that the people running the brand and I do
not share a sense of being. I'm not even sure I have a sense of
being. Sometimes around 3 a.m. I have a sense of peeing, but I don't think
that's what they mean.

TheForesight Director wants the people who run the brand and me to...

"... form "one big force" sharing the
same goal..."

Gosh, imagine if I shared a goal with a soda brand team. What an awesome life it would be. We'd be "one big force."

December 16, 2013

As we get closer to the new year, top 10 lists will thrive like blue fuzzy stuff on last week's cream cheese.

Recently, Emily Nussbaum, TV critic for The New Yorker, wrote a piece about why she hates year-end top 10 lists and how she refuses to write them. Clearly, Emily is out of touch with the prevailing digital-age zeitgeist.

Here at The Ad Contrarian Global Headquarters, one of our core values is to give back to our loyal readers. And if that means top 10 lists, then top 10 lists it is.

Since many of our regular visitors are bloggers, web entrepreneurs, or other underachievers who depend on web traffic to build either their businesses or their egos, we thought we'd help out with some top 10 list ideas you can use this week that are surefire click-magnets.

So here are some titles for "10 thing" posts that are guaranteed to have people flocking to your web site:

10 Ways To Smoke All The Weed You Want And Still Write Awesome Banner Ads

10 Super-Hot Nymphos Who Don't Mind Picking Up a Pizza On The Way Over

10 Jobs Besides Marketing That Pay A Lot Of Money To Dimwits

10 Internationally Handsome Movie Stars Who Want To Take You To France

10 Things To Put On A Pastrami Sandwich That Make You Lose Weight

10 Reasons Why Women Vacuum While You're Watching Football

10 Legal Foods That Still Contain Gluten

101 Contrarian Ideas About Advertising...oops, sorry, that's the title of my book that you should buy everyone for Christmas

10 Guys Named Zander Who Aren't Douchebags

10 Ways To Become Wealthy Sitting On Your Ass Reading Blogs

Since there are only a few days left in the year, and since I'm way behind in my drinking, and since I look for any excuse not to write, for the remainder of the year I'm going to post my ten favorite Ad Contrarian posts from 2013. I realize it's a little narcissistic to pick your own top 10, but what the hell do you think blogging is about anyway?Have a great Christmas and a wonderful New Year and remember, it's only advertising.

December 10, 2013

The Silicon Valley aristocracy, who have made billions and billions of dollars by collecting ungodly amounts of personal information about us, came out in force yesterday to denounce governments for collecting ungodly amounts of personal information about us.

You are the people who enabled this. You are the people who chose to ignore what was obvious to everyone with a functioning brain -- that your relentless collection of personal information about private citizens is totally at odds with the principles of democracy.

Here's what the despicable hypocrites of Google, Facebook, Twitter, Apple, Yahoo, LinkedIn, Microsoft and AOL had to say yesterday:

The undersigned companies believe that it is time for the world’s
governments to address the practices and laws regulating government
surveillance of individuals and access to their information.

Let me tell you something Google, Facebook, Twitter, Apple, Yahoo,
LinkedIn, Microsoft and AOL -- you puffed-up, self-important, arrogant phonies -- you have the smell of this all over you. Pretending
that you are suddenly the stalwart guardians of peoples' privacy makes me sick.

If a dumbass blogger
could figure out what was going on, don't pretend that you couldn't.

Three years ago, almost to the day, long before all this NSA shit hit the fan, the aforementioned dumbass blogger published an article called Big Brother Has Arrived And He's Us. In the article he wrote:

The essence of freedom and democracy is being undermined.

The
Internet now knows everything about us. It knows where we go, who we
talk to, what we talk about... It knows our
locations at any moment and whom we are with... It knows our
political beliefs and our sexual habits... It knows what our ailments are, what drugs we use,
what doctors we see and what our psychological profiles are. It pretends the information is secure, but only a blind fool believes this...

And why does it do all this?... for the marketing and advertising industries...

There is no realistic vision of the future in which this will not lead
to appalling mischief.

It’s time to put aside our petty self-interest, take a step back and see
where this is leading. We need to stop tracking people and their
behavior now. Right now

I know what your posturing is about. It's about money. You are afraid that people are starting to realize what malignant jackals you are. And you're trying to delegate the blame.

Here's what I think:

The undersigned believes that it is time for the world’s web scumbags to address their practices regarding internet
surveillance of individuals and access to their information.

December 09, 2013

After a decade of irresponsibly reporting the death of TV viewing, the clueless news media are sure to go into full hysteria mode after the release of Nielsen's latest cross-platform report.

Last week, Nielsen reported that in the 3rd quarter of 2013, average daily total TV viewing among all Americans (including live TV and DVR playback) dropped by 3 minutes. Ohmygod!

Daily TV viewing in the 3rd quarter dropped from 286 minutes a day (4
hours and 46 minutes) to 283 minutes a day (4 hours and 43 minutes.)

This is the first time since 2009 there has been a downward movement in viewing.

Of course, the media never reported on the upward movement. It went against the "narrative" they invented years ago.

Even for dimwits like us, there is apparently only so much time in the day we can spend watching TV. It looks like 4 3/4 hours is about our limit. I guess we need time to do other important things like take selfies and try to get on HealthCare.gov.

Having stuck all these years to the narrative that TV was dying, the media are sure to trumpet this downward tick as proof of the correctness of their ongoing misrepresentation of consumer behavior.

Since this is also likely to be twisted out of all proportion by online advertising hustlers and careless bloggers, here is some perspective from the Nielsen report:

People spend almost 7 times as much time watching TV as they do on line.

People spend 23 times as much time watching video on television as they do watching video on the web.

People spend 27 times as much time watching video on TV as they do on a mobile phone.

People spend almost 3 times as much time listening to radio as they do on the web.

But don't let the facts influence you. Traditional media are dead. I know because I read it on line.

December 04, 2013

If you have a healthy sense of the absurd, there is great joy to be found in the dumbness of some digital mediacrats.

Last week in this space there appeared a post called Astounding News From Moronsville. The post was about a digital media agency that created an infographic asserting that ads that were "viewable" were more effective than ads that were "non-viewable." I guess you have to be a Certified Digital Media Professional to figure that shit out.

My post was less than complimentary about the nitwits that propagated this stunning wisdom.

Amazingly, some digital media honchos got all huffy about my post. They wrote nasty emails and tweets. I was accused of singling digital media people out for scorn -- which, of course, I did. An article referencing my stupidity even appeared yesterday in Digiday.

In a remarkable torturing of logic, they asserted that since there is waste in traditional advertising, there is nothing absurd about creating a chart showing that online ads that can beseen get more clicks than ads that cannot be seen.

These people are so insulated and engulfed in the arcane minutiae of their narrow little discipline that they can't see the monumental ridiculousness in asserting that things that can be seen are more effective than things that can't. In their bizarre world, this is an insight.

Now, here's the difference between traditional media people and digital media people.

I've known some really dumb traditional media people. But I've never known one sofucking dumb that he would write...

"If an ad is in view, your audience is more likely to act upon it."

That takes a wonderful, extraordinary kind of dumbness. It takes a transcendent dumbness. It takes a dumbness that charms, and thrills, and makes you think that maybe life really is just a bowl of fucking cherries.

December 02, 2013

One of the most infamous advertising campaigns in the history of the auto industry was called, "This Is Not Your Father's Oldsmobile."

The premise was that Oldsmobile was suddenly a vehicle for young people. There were only three problems with this campaign:

1. Young people couldn't afford and didn't buy new cars

2. When they did, they'd rather stick a jelly donut up their ass than buy an Oldsmobile

3. The campaign insulted the people who did buy these cars - their parents

Apparently, Oldsmobile thought it was a good idea to malign their real customers and flatter the people who would never buy their products. Why? Because their real customers were old, and everyone in advertising and marketing hates old people.

It may have been the first time in the history of business that a company told its customers that their product was no longer for them.

Marketers, it seems, would rather pander fruitlessly to young people than make real money selling things to old people.

The idea of people over 50 driving their cars, drinking their coffee, eating their hamburgers, and wearing their sneakers is so appalling and such an embarrassment that they willfully ignore and disparage the most valuable economic group in the history of the world.

Well, believe it or not, the Oldsmobile campaign flopped, and ultimately Oldsmobile folded.

What hasn't folded, however, is marketers' irrational obsession with young people and loathing of old people.

Today, marketers are just as likely to target people simply because they are young -- even though they have no money and cannot and will not buy their products .

Conversely, they are just as likely to ignore people who are old -- even though they have lots of money and are prime targets for their products.

As I wrote recently, automobile marketers continue their idiotic habit of targeting people 18-34 for "youth cars" despite the fact that 88% of the people who buy these cars are over 35.

Almost everyone you see in a car commercial is between the ages of 18 and 24. And yet, people 75 to dead buy five times as many new cars as people 18 to 24.

In fact, marketers are more likely than ever to ignore and insult the people who can actually buy their products and grow their businesses.

Marketers contempt for and prejudice against older people is a remarkable and fascinating story. They have volumes of data that tell them about the size and power of the over 50 market, but because of their hard-wired prejudices they are blind to it.

It is very much the story of the weapon that is hidden in plain sight.

If you could find a group

...who was responsibly for about half of all consumer spending

...who control over 70% of all the wealth in the country

...who dominate 94% of all CPG categories

...who buy almost 2/3's of all new cars

...who owned 57% of all second and vacation homes and all the stuff that goes with that

...who are far easier and cheaper to reach than other groups

would you ignore them?

There is only one type of person foolish enough to do that -- a marketing person.

If we dropped marketing people in from Mars and they looked at the data, they would immediately understand how important it is to aim marketing activity at people over 50.

Unfortunately, our marketing leaders don’t come from Mars. They come from New York and LA and Chicago where decades of prejudices and legends have overwhelmed simple, clear thinking.

I was speaking to a very smart ad agency guy recently. He made a great point:

"If I could talk to CFOs about this, they'd get it in 5 seconds. But I have to talk to CMOs."

According to Nielsen, people over 50 are "the most valuable generation
in the history of marketing." Yet only 5% of advertising is directed at
them.

Why? Because marketers are embarrassed by them. They are afraid that 18-year-olds will, god forbid, see people over 50 using their products.

Marketers think that people over 50 are decrepit old farts. The unrelenting stupidity of marketers cannot accept the fact that Barrack Obama, Jerry Seinfeld, Condoleezza Rice, Bruce Springsteen, Meryl Streep and tens of millions of others are all over 50. They are healthy, wealthy, and wise. And, in many ways, hipper and more youthful than the marketers.

Oh, but they're dying out, right? Not exactly. Between now and 2030 the adult population over 50 will grow at about three times the rate of adults under 50. It's the young people who are dying out.

Marketers are also under the delusion that older people want to be like young people. Yeah, Steven Spielberg is aching to be like Justin Bieber, and Michelle Obama is just itching to be like the doofuses in Taco Bell commercials.

Let's be honest here. As a former ad guy, I am sorry to have to say that any intelligent business person who comes into contact with advertising and marketing people soon discovers that many are exactly what the clichés say -- shallow, glib mediocrities who have learned some dreadful jargon and buzzwords and repeat them endlessly.

When it comes to having the imagination to understand the tremendous opportunity that is staring them in the face, they are clueless. They are obsessed with people like themselves. They think that everyone is a young, big city, coastal elite hipster.

Despite their pretensions of leading-edge hipness, they are mired in beliefs and practices that are 30 years out of date.

"Caustic Yet Truthful"

"The Most provocative Man In Advertising"

"Savage Critiques Of Digital Hype"

"Fabulously Irreverent"

CONTACT BOB

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Ad Contrarian Says:

"Creative people make the ads. Everyone else makes the arrangements."

"Delusional thinking isn't just acceptable in marketing today -- it's mandatory.""Good ads appeal to us as consumers. Great ads appeal to us as humans."

"Social Media: Tens of millions of disagreeable people looking to make trouble."

"As an ad medium, the web is a much better yellow pages and a much worse television."

"Sometimes success in the advertising business is about sitting quietly and letting clients proceed with their hysterical delusions."

"Marketers prefer precise answers that are wrong to imprecise answers that are right."

"Brand studies last for months, cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, and generally have less impact on business than cleaning the drapes."

"The idea that the same consumer who was frantically clicking her TV remote to escape from advertising was going to merrily click her mouse to interact with it is going to go down as one of the great advertising delusions of all time."

"Nobody really knows what "creativity" is. Every year thousands of people take a pilgrimage to find out. This involves flying to Cannes, snorting cocaine, and having sex with smokers."

"Marketers habitually overestimate the attraction of new things and underestimate the power of traditional consumer behavior."

"We don’t get them to try our product by convincing them to love our brand. We get them to love our brand by convincing them to try our product."

"In American business, there is nothing stupider than the previous generation of management."

"If the message is right, who cares what screen people see it on? If the message is wrong, what difference does it make?"

"The only form of product information on the planet less trustworthy than advertising is the shrill ravings of web maniacs."

"There's no bigger sucker than a gullible marketer convinced he's missing a trend."

"All ad campaigns are branding campaigns. Whether you intend it to be a branding campaign is irrelevant. It will create an impression of your brand regardless of your intent."

"Nobody ever got famous predicting that things would stay pretty much the same."