Maternal Narcissism Survey: Is This Your Mom?

I’m offering you a survey today from my book: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

Maybe you have wondered as so many women have…what is wrong…why do I feel this way. Take the survey and if this fits for you, come join us in the new sisterhood. Much to come for adult children of narcissistic parents. We so want to share what we have learned. Workshop coming up and radio show every Saturday. www.nevergoodenough.com Healing and recovery are worth it for you and your children. This passion is deep for me as I continue to reach out to you and others around the world.

Narcissism is a spectrum disorder with the most severe end of the spectrum considered a narcissistic personality disorder. A woman can have several narcissistic traits and not fit the personality disorder. Mothers with only a few traits listed can negatively affect their daughters in insidious ways, which is explained in Dr. Karyl McBride's book:

Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

( survey excerpted from book)

(Check all those that apply to your relationship with your mother)

When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself?

When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feeling with her own?

Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother”?

Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?

Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?

Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?

When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce), does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?

Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?

Does your mother deny her own feelings?

Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her own feelings or actions?

Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carries a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?

Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?

Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?

Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?

Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?

Do you feel your mother was critical of you?

Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?

Are you shamed often by your mother?

Do you feel your mother knows the real you?

Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?

Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?

Does your mother appear phony to you?

Does your mother want to control your choices?

Does your mother swing from egotistical to depressed mood?

Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?

Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?

Do you feel valued, by mother, for what you do rather than who you are?

Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?

Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?

Does your mother compete with you?

Does your mother always have to have things her way?

Note: All of these questions relate to narcissistic traits. The more questions you checked, the more likely your mother has narcissistic traits and this has caused some difficulty for you as a growing daughter and adult.

I work with many sons raised by narcissistic parents. I focused on women and daughters for my first book, but the 5-step recovery model is the same for men and women. I hope that you find this helpful.

sorry you feel discrimination .
the reaspn y most articles and forum discuss mother doughter more than son . is that. most narcissistic mothers see tge doughter as a threat and competition . if there are other sons they usually are the golden child . if there are only doughters usually there are no golden child or the golden child will be doughter will be also competed at times . most cases of sons suffering from narcissistic mothers are if the son is only child . or his siblings all boys . or there is big gab between the son and the yunger doughter . so by the time the doughter. grew up the mother already spread her poison on the son . i dont know what is your case . but its diffenatlly more common for doughters. suffering narcissistic mothers than sons .
i suspect there is also a biological reason that havnt prooven . its just my interpretation . that a narcissistic women. are more likely to have girl births than boys . tgey are immotionally unavailable. . and sexually. low active. what would i suspect will lead to more girl birth. you know how the x and y thing goes . lol .unfortunately. most suspensions about narcissism. hard to research . most narcissists are not officially diagnosed .

You are in need of further education and perhaps experience in this matter. Sorry, sir, but your take on this serious subject is sadly mistaken.
I know my mother, and I also closely know 3 bi polars. You could not be further from the real story here.
Please inform yourself further before making judgments like you posted 7 years ago....and people can still read them.
Thank you for possibly taking the time to expand your horizions.

At age 2½ years, my mother dropped me (accidentally, I assume; I'd like to think she wasn't THAT much of a beast!) on my head, hitting a tile floor from a height of about 4 feet; this resulted in emergency surgery to implant a metal plate in the right parietal section (above and behind my right ear) to replace the fragmented section...this resulted in the loss of 80% of the function in my left arm/hand. Well, guilt does weird things to folks...some get over it, some channel/redirect the guilt into anger and direct the anger at the (still-quite-alive) 2½ year old "cause" of the guilt...ME!

Why else would her pet name for me be "Gimpy One-Arm"? Why else would she claim that I'M the reason she had to drop out of high school, despite the fact that it was HER teen pregnancy, and that there were two miscarriages before my OLDER-than-me-by-one-year brother was born? Why, when informing me on 5/31/08 that that same older brother had committed suicide, did she follow that with the line, "The wrong son died!"? The Wrong Son...second-born son of 3 kids...the only one of 2 parents and 3 kids to finish high school and get a college degree; The Right Son dropped out of high school, got dishonorably discharged from the military, saw America through the windows of innumerable jail cells...had 4 marriages end by way of cheating on his spouse...

At age 2½ years, my mother dropped me (accidentally, I assume; I'd like to think she wasn't THAT much of a beast!) on my head, hitting a tile floor from a height of about 4 feet; this resulted in emergency surgery to implant a metal plate in the right parietal section (above and behind my right ear) to replace the fragmented section...this resulted in the loss of 80% of the function in my left arm/hand. Well, guilt does weird things to folks...some get over it, some channel/redirect the guilt into anger and direct the anger at the (still-quite-alive) 2½ year old "cause" of the guilt...ME!

Why else would her pet name for me be "Gimpy One-Arm"? Why else would she claim that I'M the reason she had to drop out of high school, despite the fact that it was HER teen pregnancy, and that there were two miscarriages before my OLDER-than-me-by-one-year brother was born? Why, when informing me on 5/31/08 that that same older brother had committed suicide, did she follow that with the line, "The wrong son died!"? The Wrong Son...second-born son of 3 kids...the only one of 2 parents and 3 kids to finish high school and get a college degree; The Right Son dropped out of high school, got dishonorably discharged from the military, saw America through the windows of innumerable jail cells...had 4 marriages end by way of cheating on his spouse...

Damn, I think your moms worse than mine, but only by a narrow margin. My mom blamed me for our relationship problems and told me that she wasn't able to bond with me because "she didn't get to hold me first." She also told me that I was the black sheep of the family (following an apology, believe it or not). Shes also told me that I looked like her sister (who she constantly claims is ugly, but she would never call me ugly directly). She solidified this by referring to my sister as the pretty one, me as the smart one, and my other sister as miny mom (meaning that she was the perfect one.) She also demonstrated how much she valued my intelligence when she threatened to ground me for doing calc homework instead of watching TV. And when I came to her crying because I honestly didnt know if my uncle sexually abused me as a child, my mother immediately switched the conversation onto herself. (There were allegations against my uncle on the matter, plus I've caught him looking at child pornography on numerous occasions. I would have been too young to remember what happen, however, and there was no evidence to confirm or deny the alligations. Everyone in my family is suspicious of the allegations against him, even his brothers, but no one knows for sure.) By the end of the conversation, I was comforting her. Just like the time I came home in tears after being bullied only to spend the next few moments comforting her about her experiences being bullied.

My ex-husband is Bipolar (and has no problem saying so). My mother has NPD (and will never admit it). Both illnesses are very real, but they are very different. Why you feel the need to conflate them baffles me.

What is wrong with being bipolar? I am bipolar and take my medicine conscientiously. I have made many contributions to this world including having an education and raising three amazing children. My mother had NPD and it explains some of the other things that I think and feel about myself. I do not blame her but it helps me to unravel the things that can not be balanced by medication. When I told my mother that I thought I had a mood disorder because I was not getting better her response was to pull myself up by my bootstraps because she did not give birth to a child that was not perfect. I am glad I listened to my doctor and not my mother who could not help herself in her assessment of how my diagnosis affected her. She is gone now and I forgive her but it sure helps for me to know more about how I was raised.

... you forgot one thing, even though this is list is very very EXACT in my own experience. You forgot the mother's need to find an illness in her child, so much so that she's goes to great lengths to create one. It has always excited and entertained her, to think that I might be deathly ill. She still gets excited at the prospect that I might have something. I also realize that I've been anethetizing the anger that I have always felt towards her, pretty much all my life. When I actually address, in small part, her behavior, she weeps and wails and wants to be hugged. It's more than bizarre. I know it'sher own childhood that torments her, but unfortunately, she only takes it out on her daughter, not her two older sons.

I thank you so much for creating this list. At first it hit me, pit of the stomach, and now, I (very) unfortunately realize that I'm "not alone" and that others have had to lug this burden around. It would be nice if it stopped now. Lately I've taken different tacts with her, and in my life, and feeling better about it all. I shall look forward to reading your book Karyl, and I'm pretty certain already, that I should just go ahead and pour out a heartfelt THANK YOU before I even read it.

My mom also gets excited, but in a different way. She gets off when I screw up, then all of a sudden I am hot news. Wtf? Biomom and I may share similarities, but she has to make herself look good, while undermining and invalidating her biodaughter, me, when I do do good. How screwed up is that? She is only interested in gossip and the most recent, juicy news about me or anyone else. A regular jane that actually moves beyond her mindfuck games and moves foreward without disinterests her. Well, guess what? I am tired of being without, she doesn't give love unless there is something in it for her, she never gives love just to give it. And she has let me know plenty of time that I SHOULD earn it. But all she does is hold out promises of affection to renig them. So I have given up. My mom does get off on making other people sick. It's the only way the bitch can have what she calls 'power." It has gotten to the point that I have no choice but to go NO CONTACT with her, for my own safety and health. My mom is the kind of person that will convince you you are effed up, steal who you are from you as her own, deny you any kind of love, never to give it back. That makes her sicker than me, although my mental, emotional, physical and psychological health has taken a nose dive lately. Makes you wonder who is who, as she pathologizes me. Well, now it is my turn to pathologize her. It is my pleasure.

My dad divorced her oh, I want to say about 1982-83...20 years of hate for each other, but they kept the marriage together "so the kids wouldn't be traumatized (*Insert under-the-breath comment of "Bullsh*t!" in the middle of fake sneeze, like Scott Evil in the Austin Powers films*)". Dad remarries...Mom gets ticked and claims Jackie's son/my step-brother is actually my HALF brother; we're not going to let some stupid little FACTS get in the way now, are we? You know...like step-brother already HAS a dad, has had him since he was born; you know, STUPID crap like that!

Well, my dad died of a heart attack Feb. 1993, while he's still married to Jackie...Mom wants me to get a copy of the will so her lawyer can overturn it and give HER the widow's benefits; I deliberately dawdled and delayed until the statute of limitations ran out and there was no CHANCE of her getting her grubby mitts on Jackie's well-deserved benefits.

Yep, yep, she thrives on bad news. Her favorite stories are about other people´s failures - people who are supposed to be her friends!! Then later I see her being so sickly sweet to their faces.... Oh, and she was just concerned about them, that´s why she would gossip. But was she offering any help or advice? definitely not, just judgment. I used to wonder if she loved them or hated them. Now I see it wasn´t either way, it was all about how they made her feel better about herself.

When her friends are doing well, you either don´t hear about it (this is the most common thing), she describes their experience with a patronizing tone, or she insinuates her own jealousy by making awkward comments about all the reasons that couldn´t have happened to her... you know, because of your father, or this town, or her job... never her choices.

I think your mother may have something called Munchausen's by proxy. Very hard on the children!
Some people will actually poison their victims subtly to keep them ill. I am not a psychiatrist though, just someone who reads a lot. Feel free to correct me if you know differently.

this is how i figured that my Mil is narcissist when i wanted to research why she keeps faking her inlessess . i found. something called factitious . where the person fabricates an ilness or an injury . then i found factitious proxy where they creat ilness or injury on the person they give care . then i remembered. her sone who had kidny falior. as a kid . he is th golden child . he always had new medical issues from ears to throut . then i found articles about narcissism witch was exactly discribing her one on one . i do believe that fictitious is also part of tge narcissism just like pathalogic lie.

You described my mother and my relationship when I was 20. The first few boyfriends I had in my early dating years were exactly like my mother. The boyfriends knew what traits to seek and I was it, low self-esteem, eager to please. Conversely I subconsciously knew going into the relationship that this was a man I was not going to have any problem controlling and manipulating. I learned during my childhood how to make a narcissist putty in my hands. It was all a sick game to me.

Back then there was no Internet and the self-help books on narcissists were few and far between. I did find one book that became my bible, "Toxic Parents", which I am sure in now quite dated. I have healthier relationships with men and learn to bolt much earlier as I can recognize the narcissism signs early. I do think that many boys are raised to be a little self-centered and needy through mothers who enjoy babying them and making them dependent. This is why some men have some real trouble in the dating world as they age, and also can't seem to do a load of laundry or clean their home.

Isn't it sad...just picked up the book recently and I'm wiggling my way through it...to give an example, my mother got fired from her job (of course it was someone else's fault...she even sued) and has called me throughout her unemployment for advice on what wine to bring to a ladies networking night, how to prepare for the interview, 17 phone calls about the interview and 'tell me how good I am' via indirect questions, a facebook post about getting the job which was vague to everyone but me and 3 phone calls last night because she starts the job today...she also once called me from a hotel room saying the airline had lost her luggage, there was a Khol's across the street and she had a meeting in the morning and all she had was a pair of jeans...so, what did I think she should do. ? I no longer enable my mothers illness, but that hasn't stopped her from seeking it out (okay, I may occasionally fall into a hole) Supply. Demand. Did I mention that she failed to acknowledge both my college and grad school graduations? She also threw out my Passport after I came back from a course in Ireland that I had paid for. She wouldn't admit to throwing it out, but she did say, "I don't see what the big deal is. You don't need it now."
Ugh, as a therapist, I'm reading the book also to look for constructive ways to help my clients overcome the effects of neglect they felt in childhood...why is it that some folks can hold onto to good feelings and build self-esteem and other folks are forever seeking out a new host to play parasite to? How do you help them develop their own internal supply of love? I suppose thats the trick of narcissism...you don't 'fix' Axis II...permanently broken, move on. ?? Really?

I read through the list, substituting "wife" for "mother", and (not surprisingly) she met a lot of the criteria. I know it's tied to her childhood, but I feel like she needs to hear it from a professional rather than me, so she won't ignore it. Doubt any change now will saave our marriage, though. I can't feel anything anymore for her.

I´m really sorry to hear that. You have reason to be worried. I would talk with a counselor yourself to figure out your options and what is best for you and the children. As many psychologists say, it´s extremely difficult for a narcissist to change, even with help.

Submitted by Lynda ~ Out of the CrAzY Closet on June 17, 2011 - 2:45am

My mother meets every single one of your Narcissistic Mother questions.

I am 58 years old, my mother is now 76 years old, and she is STILL trying to bludgeon me to bits with her hate. About 3 weeks ago she sent a 60+ page hate letter to me, telling me every single thing that she sees as "wrong" about me, going all the way back to my earliest childhood. She did the same thing 28 years ago, when she sent me a 50-page hate letter. She did this, with NO PROVOCATION, either time. This time around, she sent a copy of her hate letter to her sister, my aunt, presumably because my aunt and I have grown close over the past several years, and my mother must have thought that she could make my aunt hate me, too, with her hateful letter. But her horrible letter had the opposite effect on my dear aunt, who happens to love her two very imperfect grown children, UNCONDITIONALLY, generously, and with no strings attached. My aunt was appalled by the letter. She wrote and told my mother so, sent a copy of her classy letter to me, and then, my aunt declared that my mother is no longer her sister.

My mother tried to gas us all to death when I was 12, shortly after her marriage to my multiple-personality father came to a violent end. She tried several times with the gas, but could not figure out how to override the safety shut-off valve on the whole-house gas furnace. When my mother confessed to me that she had been putting out the pilot light and turning the thermostat all the way up, hoping to kill us all as we slept in our beds, she said, "I brought you all into the world, so I have the right to take you out of it. And life is so horrible, I would be doing you all a favor by killing you."

I was the eldest of 5 when my mother made that confession to me. I had insomnia a lot, after my parents' marriage ended, so I would be lying in bed awake, notice the house was getting very cold, and that the furnace wasn't coming on. Finally I wouldget out of bed, go look at the thermostat, and find it turned all the way up past 90. Then I would go look in the utility room and see that the pilot light was out, so I would wake my mother up so that she could relight the pilot. I thought the pilot light was going out all by itself, and that one of my much-younger siblings was trying to warm the cold house by turning the thermostat up as high as it would go.... this happened several nights, maybe a half dozen times, maybe more, in the winter of 1965-66. I never would have imagined that my mother was trying to gas us all to death, until the day she told me she "couldn't live with the secret" anymore, and she couldn't think of anyone esle to tell, she said, besides me.

Then my mother warned me that if I told anyone what she had done, she would go to prison for the rest of her life, and the 5 of us kids would go to 5 separate foster homes and never see each other again. To my 12-year-old mind, this was a fate worse than death! So, I did not tell.... But I went to bed every night and lay there in fear that she would do it again, and succeed this time. I went to school every day, exhausted from all the sleepless nights, and worried that while I was gone my mother might snap and kill my 4 pre-school siblings... (I was the eldest by 7+ years).

Every day on the school bus my dread would grow as I got nearer to my house. I would home from the bus stop, visualizing in my mind, that when I went inside my home, I would find my whole family dead. I always would stand outside the back door and wait and listen, afraid to open the door and go inside. I would wait and listen until I heard at least one of the younger kids laugh or cry or yell out... just hearing the tv wasn't enough, she could have left it turned on..... every day, when I would finally hear one of my siblings make a sound that let me know they were alive, RELIEF would flood over me, and I would open the door and go inside.

My mother had been a mostly indifferent mother toward me prior to this time, only occasionally doing or saying something that was outright very hateful towards me. But, beginning with the day that my mother sat me down and made me her personal private confessor of her terrible murderous secret.... FROM THAT DAY ON MY MOTHER TREATED ME LIKE SHE ABSOLUTELY HATED MY GUTS.

I am 58 years old, and in many ways, despite my very high iq, I still feel like I am stuck at 12 years old. It has only been in recent years that I have told my ancient secret... and been BELIEVED. People don't like to believe that a mother would try to kill all her children, even though, sadly, horribly, you see these stories on the news all too often. I cannot watch the news or read newpapaers, because of these stories. It brings it all back, when I do, and I feel like it is happening all over again, right NOW.

Lynda, I realize that your comment is almost six years old, but I feel as though it could have been written by me. I am sorry for what you have been through. My mother did not try and gas us. I don't really understand why your mother would do that. Wouldn't she have died too? It seems by dying she would have missed a great opportunity to play the part of the victim or martyr. My mom prefers to do things the could (and has) cause illness or injury to the rest of us. I am 60 years old and only one time did I allow my parents take my children to admusment park alone. I was worried sick the whole time, but things went well and the kids had a great time. I have grandchildren that I babysit a lot and I take them to see their great grandma, but I would never dream of letting them be alone with them.

Submitted by Lynda ~ Out of the CrAzY Closet on June 17, 2011 - 2:47am

My mother meets every single one of your Narcissistic Mother questions.

I am 58 years old, my mother is now 76 years old, and she is STILL trying to bludgeon me to bits with her hate. About 3 weeks ago she sent a 60+ page hate letter to me, telling me every single thing that she sees as "wrong" about me, going all the way back to my earliest childhood. She did the same thing 28 years ago, when she sent me a 50-page hate letter. She did this, with NO PROVOCATION, either time. This time around, she sent a copy of her hate letter to her sister, my aunt, presumably because my aunt and I have grown close over the past several years, and my mother must have thought that she could make my aunt hate me, too, with her hateful letter. But her horrible letter had the opposite effect on my dear aunt, who happens to love her two very imperfect grown children, UNCONDITIONALLY, generously, and with no strings attached. My aunt was appalled by the letter. She wrote and told my mother so, sent a copy of her classy letter to me, and then, my aunt declared that my mother is no longer her sister.

My mother tried to gas us all to death when I was 12, shortly after her marriage to my multiple-personality father came to a violent end. She tried several times with the gas, but could not figure out how to override the safety shut-off valve on the whole-house gas furnace. When my mother confessed to me that she had been putting out the pilot light and turning the thermostat all the way up, hoping to kill us all as we slept in our beds, she said, "I brought you all into the world, so I have the right to take you out of it. And life is so horrible, I would be doing you all a favor by killing you."

I was the eldest of 5 when my mother made that confession to me. I had insomnia a lot, after my parents' marriage ended, so I would be lying in bed awake, notice the house was getting very cold, and that the furnace wasn't coming on. Finally I wouldget out of bed, go look at the thermostat, and find it turned all the way up past 90. Then I would go look in the utility room and see that the pilot light was out, so I would wake my mother up so that she could relight the pilot. I thought the pilot light was going out all by itself, and that one of my much-younger siblings was trying to warm the cold house by turning the thermostat up as high as it would go.... this happened several nights, maybe a half dozen times, maybe more, in the winter of 1965-66. I never would have imagined that my mother was trying to gas us all to death, until the day she told me she "couldn't live with the secret" anymore, and she couldn't think of anyone esle to tell, she said, besides me.

Then my mother warned me that if I told anyone what she had done, she would go to prison for the rest of her life, and the 5 of us kids would go to 5 separate foster homes and never see each other again. To my 12-year-old mind, this was a fate worse than death! So, I did not tell.... But I went to bed every night and lay there in fear that she would do it again, and succeed this time. I went to school every day, exhausted from all the sleepless nights, and worried that while I was gone my mother might snap and kill my 4 pre-school siblings... (I was the eldest by 7+ years).

Every day on the school bus my dread would grow as I got nearer to my house. I would home from the bus stop, visualizing in my mind, that when I went inside my home, I would find my whole family dead. I always would stand outside the back door and wait and listen, afraid to open the door and go inside. I would wait and listen until I heard at least one of the younger kids laugh or cry or yell out... just hearing the tv wasn't enough, she could have left it turned on..... every day, when I would finally hear one of my siblings make a sound that let me know they were alive, RELIEF would flood over me, and I would open the door and go inside.

My mother had been a mostly indifferent mother toward me prior to this time, only occasionally doing or saying something that was outright very hateful towards me. But, beginning with the day that my mother sat me down and made me her personal private confessor of her terrible murderous secret.... FROM THAT DAY ON MY MOTHER TREATED ME LIKE SHE ABSOLUTELY HATED MY GUTS.

I am 58 years old, and in many ways, despite my very high iq, I still feel like I am stuck at 12 years old. It has only been in recent years that I have told my ancient secret... and been BELIEVED. People don't like to believe that a mother would try to kill all her children, even though, sadly, horribly, you see these stories on the news all too often. I cannot watch the news or read newpapaers, because of these stories. It brings it all back, when I do, and I feel like it is happening all over again, right NOW.

While my mother never (as far as I know) tried to off me, she made it ABUNDANTLY clear that it was me, The Middle Child (not the two miscarriages that preceded my older brother's arrival...not my younger sister; nope, 'twas I and I alone) that caused my father to get her pregnant.

Still wondering when I'm going to find that time machine that will propel me back to that fateful night, upon which I will assure my being born by getting my teenage future daddy to impregnate my teenage future Demon...um, Mommy dearest.

I am 56 and after reading all of the questions it seemed they were tailored just to my own situation with my mother. Every one. She doesn't take pride in any of my accomplishments and in fact thinks she could do much better (she never worked - I had a very successful sales career - but she will make serious as a heart attack statements like "I could have been a CEO". Really?). She competes with me on almost every level. She has told me that as a baby "I don't think I ever really bonded with you" and blames my grandmother for "stealing" me from her when she actually took full advantage of pawning me off on her frequently (later she used both my grandmother and me to take care of my four younger siblings and has told me, laughing "I just had you to take care of the other ones". She was driving the car when I was standing on the seat at age three and went through the windshield. I never blamed her but she gave me so little empathy when I had to be in the hospital for plastic surgery for a large scar that resulted and would always tell me "You can't even see it" when I would tell her as a little kid someone made fun of me. (If she had to see it she might have to acknowledge to herself that she was negligent in some way that resulted in permanent damage and she never takes responsibility for anything herself). I also think her hands off approach due to her not liking to look at me or it made her even more aloof in her relationship with me. She demeaned every emotion I ever had or expressed, calling me "too sensitive". To this day the woman loves to create drama, get sympathy (which is always because she is dramatic about something that happens to someone else and she wants attention for it - she has had a very uneventful life if it weren't for her kids' divorces or a friend's death or something that really did not happen directly to her). Recently I tried to get her to stop talking to me about one of my siblings and she reacted with a vengeance, threatening not to attend a cruise we paid for and planned for my dad's 80th. He called and practically begged me to apologize to her for being "disrespectful". Crazy person and difficult as the day is long.

WOW...it took your mom 28 years to come up with 10 more pages of your "Evil Wickedness"?

Ol' Girl just HAS to get a different hobby, before there's no more forests left in the world because she needed the paper to detail your all-consuming E-e-e-e-e-e-evil!

But seriously...the only thing that prevents my mother from doing the same is her semi-illiteracy; add to that the fact that her math skills and knowledge of human biology/reproduction are laughingly out of left field. Remember, there were 2 miscarriages preceding my (now deceased) older brother, her favorite...then me, then my sister; but who gets the blame as the kid who caused her to drop out of school because of her first pregnancy (miscarriage #1)?

Recently my mother sent me (one of a series) a "cute puppy on the front" card which she took the time to write on the inside that she and my father had "found a whole file of horrible things you have written to us that we have kept all your life" and that it all went to show that I am "filled with hate and that she feels so sorry for me". She said then that she would "rather read the Bible" and finished up telling me all about her recent activities and the weather, just as if she had not tried to just drop a bomb on me!
I have never written a thing in my life that I would mind if she published in the newspaper for that matter, because always, in an effort to stay on the subject at hand and also be able to not digress in a knock down drag out, I have thoughtfully written what I was feeling down. ANYTHING that is not in total agreement with her/them is "disrespectful". She has even taken to my attempting to take the high road and "turn the other cheek" or citing a Bible passage and turned that around on me. My motto has always been, in any heated situation, to write what I am feeling in a letter, save it for several days, re-read it and then send it, rather than act in the heat of the moment. Not too long ago, after I tried to get her to stop gossiping about my sister (who she would readily call up and talk about me to!) - actually just drawing a boundary and telling her I did not want to discuss her any further and that gossip is not right - she hung up on me. Twice. So I emailed her and stated my case clearly, firmly and had my husband, the kindest man alive, read it to be sure it was fine. The response I got back from my dad started a firestorm - I am sure she ripped him a new "one" - and since he has no gonads left after 60 years with her, called me to say that I was disrespectful and that I had to make it right, threatening not to go on a family trip for his birthday that all of us sibs had paid for and were planning on attending, so it would ruin things for the entire family and she could blame me! I asked him to tell me what on earth I said that was not respectful and all he could come up with was that I had said that when she brought certain things up I felt baited because she already knows how I feel. And that in order to keep the peace we should stay off certain hot topics (she had started the tirade about my sister and if I agreed she went crazy on me for agreeing! If I said nothing she would yell "Are You THERE?". No win situation. I told my dad I was so sorry he felt this way but that I really hoped he would decide to go and have a good time, because I was planning on doing that. Two days later he called about the flights and no more mention of it. On the trip, though, she refused to go to dinner if I was there and fawned all over my other siblings while ignoring me. (She also was telling complete strangers that her kids were taking her on this trip because she and my father had been married 60 years, which was untrue and would not even be until a year from then. It always has to be about her!). She has called people who barely know me, but know people I know, so it has gotten back to me "just needing to talk" about me and what a terrible person I am. If anyone tries to reel her in there is hell to pay! She also is now taking her abuse out on my son, who has told her in no uncertain terms that he doesn't want to hear one thing about me, I am the woman who raised him and he loves me. It has sent her over the edge and now both my parents are not so nice to him either.
My mother has used the term EVIL about my now dead sister in law, who never took her crap either. My mother was never nice to her and after 15 years when she left my brother for a WOMAN my mother was able to boil all of her iniquities into the "fact" that my sister in law had ALWAYS been EVIL and how none of the differences between them was her fault. Here was the proof! She was a Lesbian and EVIL. Crazy, nuts, but so dangerous. She has twisted up an entire family and I do believe she is herself...EVIL.

Recently my mother sent me (one of a series) a "cute puppy on the front" card which she took the time to write on the inside that she and my father had "found a whole file of horrible things you have written to us that we have kept all your life" and that it all went to show that I am "filled with hate and that she feels so sorry for me". She said then that she would "rather read the Bible" and finished up telling me all about her recent activities and the weather, just as if she had not tried to just drop a bomb on me!
I have never written a thing in my life that I would mind if she published in the newspaper for that matter, because always, in an effort to stay on the subject at hand and also be able to not digress in a knock down drag out, I have thoughtfully written what I was feeling down. ANYTHING that is not in total agreement with her/them is "disrespectful". She has even taken to my attempting to take the high road and "turn the other cheek" or citing a Bible passage and turned that around on me. My motto has always been, in any heated situation, to write what I am feeling in a letter, save it for several days, re-read it and then send it, rather than act in the heat of the moment. Not too long ago, after I tried to get her to stop gossiping about my sister (who she would readily call up and talk about me to!) - actually just drawing a boundary and telling her I did not want to discuss her any further and that gossip is not right - she hung up on me. Twice. So I emailed her and stated my case clearly, firmly and had my husband, the kindest man alive, read it to be sure it was fine. The response I got back from my dad started a firestorm - I am sure she ripped him a new "one" - and since he has no gonads left after 60 years with her, called me to say that I was disrespectful and that I had to make it right, threatening not to go on a family trip for his birthday that all of us sibs had paid for and were planning on attending, so it would ruin things for the entire family and she could blame me! I asked him to tell me what on earth I said that was not respectful and all he could come up with was that I had said that when she brought certain things up I felt baited because she already knows how I feel. And that in order to keep the peace we should stay off certain hot topics (she had started the tirade about my sister and if I agreed she went crazy on me for agreeing! If I said nothing she would yell "Are You THERE?". No win situation. I told my dad I was so sorry he felt this way but that I really hoped he would decide to go and have a good time, because I was planning on doing that. Two days later he called about the flights and no more mention of it. On the trip, though, she refused to go to dinner if I was there and fawned all over my other siblings while ignoring me. (She also was telling complete strangers that her kids were taking her on this trip because she and my father had been married 60 years, which was untrue and would not even be until a year from then. It always has to be about her!). She has called people who barely know me, but know people I know, so it has gotten back to me "just needing to talk" about me and what a terrible person I am. If anyone tries to reel her in there is hell to pay! She also is now taking her abuse out on my son, who has told her in no uncertain terms that he doesn't want to hear one thing about me, I am the woman who raised him and he loves me. It has sent her over the edge and now both my parents are not so nice to him either.
My mother has used the term EVIL about my now dead sister in law, who never took her crap either. My mother was never nice to her and after 15 years when she left my brother for a WOMAN my mother was able to boil all of her iniquities into the "fact" that my sister in law had ALWAYS been EVIL and how none of the differences between them was her fault. Here was the proof! She was a Lesbian and EVIL. Crazy, nuts, but so dangerous. She has twisted up an entire family and I do believe she is herself...EVIL.

I know what you mean. It was kind of empowering to me, in a sad sad way, to realize I had been emotionally abused. At least now we know why we have the problems we do... there is a reason and we are not crazy. Not only that, but there are steps to recovery.

I am nearly 33 years old and have gone almost all of my life dealing with a Mother who has ignored my feelings, my pains, and treated my two brothers vastly differently to myself. Each attempt I made to try to bring about my feelings my Mother would say that I was the 'problem' and even though I have been in the parental role a lot of my life to my brothers and parents, she continues to stay in this role of 'everyone else is the problem, not me.' She would criticize me greatly when no one else was around and tell me I was 'just sensitive'. Through my adult years especially, I have had panic attacks around her and become stoic, virtually catatonic in her presence, and completely miserable. When I moved out of state my panic attacks abated almost entirely. I keep a minimal relationship due to the fact that I feel it's important for her to have a relationship with my children but I have virtually no trust of my feelings in her hands and at nearly 33 and wishing for years she'd 'come around', I've started to accept the fact that she won't. I struggle each day with ensuring to the best of my ability that I will not be the same sort of parent. I hug my children every chance I'm able, I console them when they are hurt, I praise them in their efforts, and despite how rundown and exhausted and overwhelmed I may be with two children under two years old, I do the absolute best I can to bring about a big smile and joy for them so that they see it's unconditional. I have to be cognizant not to repeat my Mother's narcissistic traits onto my husband as well. Sometimes I realize I'm perpetuating some of the pattern, other times I realize I'm breaking it and not perpetuating the legacy; breaking the chain is something to rejoice in and something to be proud of. Those of use being conscious of all this, albeit it's still a painful process, should be so grateful that we can re-write the story of sorts. We can evolve and learn and give our children a different story. We're fortunate to catch this cycle now than to never.

Your story sounds exactly like mine. I am 36 years old with one child is the only difference.My mother is the most destructive person in my life. Most people that know me would describe me as sweet, smart, kind person. My own mother would describe me as selfish,dumb and unkind. It amazes me how other people know me better than my mother. It makes me feel so alone. Does your mom try to compete with you or belittle and problems you face or have overcome?

Thank you for posting this survey. I could answer yes to every question. Still I find it difficult to connect how I feel with my mothers behaviour. My mind doesn't connect it somehow. And I end up feeling guilty and responsible for her (and my father),again, blaming myself and having low self-esteem and being unable to feeling free. I just don't comprehend that I am actually free, free to do what I want. I am 36 and I still feel am being in a prison. Thank you all for posting your comments, at least am not alone.

Please please please find a good non judgmental therapist! I can´t tell you how much it´s helped me just to have someone outside of the situation to talk to. NPD (especially covert NPD - and in a mother, no less) is really complicated and others just may not understand. A kind professional can hold your hand (and teach you to hold your own) while you heal.

And look into inner child therapy! I´m learning to parent myself right now, and the difference was almost immediate. Look at the website Womb of Light, too.

I wondered for years what people like my mother really were; now I know narcisstic. She has caused me tremendous pain in my life, probably due to the fact that I was conceived when she and my father were divorcing. They divorced when I was 2 weeks old. We lived with my grandmother for many years on and off and I became attached to my grandmother because she genuinely loved me. My mother re-married when I was 11 and I was miserable living with my mother and her new husband. I was always very afraid of her. Example: When as a teenager and my best friend was over, my friend accidentally sat on my glasses and my "mother" beat the shit out of me in front of her. I was slapped, pinched until I bled, beaten, called profane names even the "c" word, told that she was going to kill me, etc.

She recently pulled some crap during one of my darkest hours and once again my brothers are giving me the cold shoulder. She has also joined forces with my ex husband whom tried to get custody of my kids last year and accused me of adultery.

I don't trust her with my kids. She calls them on their cell phones and even though I told them they could speak to her on the phone, they do not want to. They have seen her in action the last year(like inviting us to her new city and then not answering the phone and not available for us to visit.

I've decided to go the no-contact method. But it is hard. I've been thru so much stress the last two years from a horrible divorce, car wreck, a new eating disorder, trying to handle kids that were being brainwashed by their dad to hate and disrespect me, a person at my business left and took 1/2 of my customers with her, foot injury, some health and mental health issues, etc.

I am the only child that stood up to her so I know she gets joy in telling me to get lost and making my brothers believe I am doing something terible to her.

It just goes on and on but I am working on myself. I've got to be around for my kids.