I was never really into football until Barney came along. I'd do the internationals and the FA Cup, but that was about it. My mates would all do the blokey footie chat in the pub and I'd be the one yawning, checking my imaginary watch and eventually pleading for a change of conversation.

But it all changed with the famous England 5-1 victory over Germany. Barn was six at the time, and doing anything he could to be allowed to stay up late. So I let him watch the game. It only turned out to be the greatest thing to ever happen in England since we won the World Cup - and Barney absolutely loved it.

So I took him to watch Hull City. This was back when they were properly rubbish. They beat Oxford 3-1. Barney was hooked.

Seven years later, we're Hull City season-ticket holders; City are in the Premier League; England couldn't make the Euros; Barn is the captain of his Sunday league team (he was just voted players' player of the season); his sister, Ruby, is eight and the best girl footballer I've ever seen, and the three of us spend many an afternoon mauling teams of kids in the park - somehow football has taken over our lives.

The training

Soccer Circus sounds like the perfect activity for me and my kids. Look at the website - there's a video of Kevin Keegan, who helped develop the concept, revealing in his nasally Doncaster style that "Football's a simple game, it's the people's game, a game everyone can play."

I've even heard of it somehow. Kevin Keegan's Soccer Circus ... I think I saw it on Newsround ... it must be good.

So this was the plan. We get together with my fine friend Little Stevie Shaw (bar proprietor, armchair cricketer) and his two kids, Ellie (13, not at all into football) and Tom (11, into football), and head up to Center Parcs in Cumbria for a weekend of blokey wine-drinking, kids and footy.

It's a funny old game, Soccer Circus. It starts with a video. A Scottish bloke called Douglas introduces us to the sport known as football (or soccer if you're American, or just plain odd) and we gain an insight into the way this exciting ball game has become incredibly popular all over the world.

Doug tells us to play the game at our own pace, to be in control - "Be yourself, don't get carried away" - and reminds us of those ancient words of wisdom: "There's no 'i' in team."

We're ready to take the challenge! Two teams, Athletico Stephensons and Sporting Shaws, battle it out for football supremacy. The kids are up for it; the dads are raring to go.

Soccer Circus is a series of capsule games played on their own individual courts. The games have names such as In the Zone, Block it, Pass and Receive, and Back in the Game, and all of them involve kicking or throwing a football at moving LED lights. In every game, individuals play against the clock and try to hit as many illuminated lights as possible. The scores are recorded electronically, tenpin bowling-style, and then printed out at the end as team and individual results.

In On the Spot, for example, players have to dribble the ball over a number of illuminated lights, extinguishing them and gaining a point. The kids all danced around with excellent coordination, Steve moved like a man carrying a barrel, and I did an unintentional impression of a walrus. We all scored basically the same number of points.

In Back in the Game, players throw the ball at a number of illuminated lights on the wall, extinguishing them and, yes, gaining a point. Everyone played it under-arm or netball style, and bizarrely, we all scored similar points.

It all gets you moving, there's some limited teamwork, it's easy to play but hard to be good at. On the other hand, it promises football and it fails to deliver.

Barney quickly lost interest, along with Tom. Barn felt it stifled his flair: "It's really boring, like being taught something." As a naturally able player - and competitive too - he felt that Soccer Circus reduced everyone to the same level: "It doesn't matter how good you are, everyone ends up the same."

But Ellie, who couldn't care less about football, enjoyed it: "It's good - it's different. I thought it'd be rubbish like football training, dribbling balls around cones, but it's much more fun. It's more like a game."

Steve and I, we just had a laugh. It's Mickey Mouse football, hi-tech family parlour game rather than sport, but there's nothing wrong with that. We floundered around the courts, frantically banging balls against lights, while the kids looked on with a combination of indulgence and embarrassment.

The most accurate summary of Soccer Circus came from Ruby: "It's OK, but it's not as good as real football." Sorry, Soccer Circus, you just can't improve on the beautiful game.

Your turn

A three-player team challenge costs £21 a team, but if you don't want to play competitively against another team, then adults cost £12 and children £7. Soccer Circus is at Center Parcs Whinfell Forest in Cumbria, 08705 200 300, centerparcs.co.uk