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Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Stalker Mom

I know they only post the pictures once a day. I know that.
And still, my fingers do the walking:

Click on bookmarks.
Click login.
System "remembers me"*

Click Photos.
Begin.

Not her. Not her. Not her. Scroll. Scroll. Wait! Is that maybe her in the way back of the mud pile? Nope. Not her. Not her. Who is this red haired kid in all the pictures? I bet his mom isn't even looking. Not her. Not her. Next page. Not her. Red haired kid. Bunch of other kids. Hey! There she is!

She's smiling! Oh, this is wonderful. I beam at the screen.

But is it a forced smile, do you think? There's a shadow in the photo. That could be looming bully off to the side holding her favorite Ugly Doll hostage...or just a tree. Zoom in. Wow. Pretty dirty. And the hair! Hmm. Save photo.

Not her. Not her. God damn red haired kid now has no shirt on. Bunch of counselors doing laundry. This is photo worthy? I ask you. Not her. Not her. End of photos.

Sigh. Enough of this crap. Send e-mail**.

Hi honey!

Hope you are loving camp! How's this for an idea...a secret photo code***! Next time you see the photographer guy, get in the picture! Then hold up one finger for "I'm great and I LOVE it here" or two fingers for "You're gonna pay for this, loser parents!" Three fingers could mean "send surprise packages" and so on. I suppose you could just hold up a note, but they might catch onto that. I'll keep an eye on the pictures**** and get your message!Love, Mom

Click.
Login.
Begin.

Not her. Not her. Not her. Some other kid with the red haired kid. Counselors bowling (!). Husband scrolling with me. Not her. Not her. Hey! There she is! Wow. That's a great shot. She's looking right at the camera guy. Zoom in. Huh. Were they face painting, or has she just not taken a shower? She looks fantastic! Same t-shirt as last time, though. Didn't her luggage get there? Save photo. Scroll forward.

What honey? She had her fingers up? Oh my god! She used the code! Back. Back. Click to enlarge.

Right hand: One finger.
Left hand: Three fingers.
Face: Huge grin.

I got the message.
Click.

* Username: lonesomemom1, password: showmemykid
** Did you notice that this link is cruelly labeled "one way e-mail"?
*** I cannot take credit for this idea. It was used effectively by a dear friend with her son last year, although she got the "I wanna come home" signal in her photos.
**** Understatement of the year.

On my Nightstand

I took a leap of faith and selected this one for when I next host my book club. A ribald take on race, time travel, and the south, it's hilarious right now, but I've just started. It too, just lost in the first round, to The Goldfinch, a book our group found had some incredible characters and stories, but was deeply in need of editing. I'll let you know if I agree with the verdict soon.