Navigation

Haven't posted in awhile..... (Reply)

*read at your own risk....this is the story of how I have REALLY been doing*

I am not ok, not close to ok. I am very depressed but trying to pretend that I am not because I just want so badly to be "ok". I am on medication for depression but I am also working on seeing about getting in to my psychiatrist to reevaluate because I shouldn't be like this. Basically all I can manage to do every day is go to work. Even that is starting to be harder and harder to do because I can't seem to manage to get myself out of bed in the morning. (I was 20 minutes late to work on Friday because I overslept....I used to get to work at least 10-15 minutes early, now I am lucky if I manage to slide into a parking space and squeak into work just on time) I am exhausted all the time no matter how much or how little I sleep. I can't manage to get myself to take care of myself foodwise or healthwise. I am at the lowest of the low. I am so tired of struggling. I am NOT suicidal. I would not do that, I have seen it first hand and how horrible and tragic it is for people left behind so I wouldn't do that. But I can see why people might do that. Because I just can't seem to try or care anymore about anything. On the other hand I don't trust anyone. Not even myself. All I can think of for the future is staying in bed. When it comes to eating, I just alternate with bingeing and restricting. I feel physically like I am dying. But I am afraid to admit that to anyone, even my parents. (My parents idea if I struggle too much more is either to kick me out of their house so I can just go suffer on my own where they don't have to see it, or have me quit my job and move back to their small town with them and live with them where they can stay on me) I am much more honest with my therapist, except that at times like now when I feel like I am getting worse, I won't see her until Thursday. Like I said above I am trying so hard to pretend like I am fine because to admit that I am not it will change my life too dramatically. I need to keep my job, I need to get my shit together. On the recommendation of my therapist I am reading the book "Get it done when you're depressed" so far I like it, I acknowledge what it says but I can't get myself to do what it says. Like it says if I wait for motivation I will be waitng forever. I know WHAT I need to do, I just can't get myself to do it. Even now as I am writing this, I have things that need to be done around my house, dishes, laundry etc. And all I want to do is curl up and sleep. I am nauseous, I am tired, I am so afraid. I know I need to get help, but like I said I need to keep my job, I need to be able to have some kind of life. I should be able to pull myself out of this. I am taking my medication so I don't understand why I can't. I am not suicidal but I don't want to live like this anymore. I think I am probably just hoping I might eat and sleep myself to death. I can't get myself to exercise, or eat anything that comes close to resembling a well balanced nutritionally sound diet. Much less eat without bingeing. I try to throw myself into situations to help myself, and I get all psyched about it for about 5 minutes and then I just lose it and sink back into non action. I don't even know how to finish this or where to go next. I feel like now I am just talking in circles. Although I know that I am not physically healthy, I feel like this is depression related NOT weight related. I think the weight is just a side effect of the depression and non action. Even if I do go try to get help, I don't think I will be able to get in to see my psychiatrist for at least another week or two. I can also see that I am pulling at addictive behaviors (eating, spending money, etc. I am thinking non stop about smoking again, not as much about drinking mainly because I have told myself that drinking is NOT an option).

I just am ridiculously lost. I want to be better, I want to be "normal" but I don't know how.

*I have done a few good things for myself tonight so I will list them here in the hopes that I can use them to say something good to myself about myself.....

1) I ate an apple tonight and I have been drinking water for the last hour or so instead of soda

2) I took a hot bath with some of my favorite bubble bath

3) I cleaned the (food) trash off of my floor (not food itself, just empty wrappers and bags and such) and put most of my clothes in the closet to wash later

4) I flossed and brushed my teeth tonight before bed.

Now I have to try to get myself to bed at a normal hour, and either get up at 5 am tomorrow and make myself walk, finish cleaning up, shower, eat a healthy breakfast, make a healthy lunch, and get myself out the door by 8:15 am. Or pray that I can stumble out of bed by 7:45 am, shower, grab a bar, throw random food in my lunch bag, and pray that my parents head straight home from the airport tomorrow instead of making a surprise visit here. SIGH