Saturday, November 12, 2011

Meh

I had a lot of self-directing anger but what was left by the time I reached my computer was just this washed up fatalistic attitude. I've been seriously depressed lately questioning everything from my existence to the existence of baby #2. I am so hopeless about the world yet I bring another creature in it? For what? To expand the suffering to someone I love and continue to maintain, actually, worsen the status quo of the world? What a fucking idiot am I?

And of course all the doubts I've had positive answers to are now showing their monstrous heads as if before I had only peaked at them in the dark; as if I didn't really understand, but now, after the fact it's all become clear. Clearer because of what? because my brain is drowning in extra hormones and stress? Right.

It sort of started about 3 weeks ago when after so many months of migraines and debilitating nausea I started to really hate myself for having only about 1/2 of the energy I used to have for baby G. All my "escapes" were gone (mostly culinary and wine-related) and my self-restraint became 0. I had no patience and continuously snapped at baby G (no longer a baby I don't think at 2 and 1/2) only to feel ashamed and regretful and broken hearted over disappointing him 30 seconds later. Then this feeling of resentment towards this pregnancy and the fact that the even ethereal presence of this baby is making me a worse parent to G. Yeah, resentment. Can I get the mom of the year award now please?

I love my son so much and I want him to have the best of me, all the time. And I want to have the energy to at least try to feed him good foods and play with him, and teach him things and just really be human around him. And now this baby was preventing all that and bringing the worse out of me. Shit! I'd made a mistake. Crap! How can I say that .. I really do love this baby, I feel so guilty for saying it. I mean if guilt-free I could terminate this pregnancy I wouldn't. We want this baby in our life. But I really can't stand myself anymore.

So I've been reading like a maniac cose that's what I do when I'm at an impasse. Mainly buddhist literature on handling anger and learning to live in the moment, separated from expectations, etc. All sorts of books on raising calm and compassionate children. And they've helped .. that with lemon balm tea which is really the only relaxing tea I can have. Some days though nothing can bring me back from the brink and I just want to stop existing, stop feeling and stop thinking. Mostly stop thinking. Today was one of those days. It hasn't gotten much better but at least I typed this. I am dreading now dealing with myself once G wakes up from his nap. I wish I could be with him without me. I'm so sick of me.

7 comments:

And what about those of us who are tired and short-tempered and have horrible guilt about pot pies instead of nutritious meals and are NOT pregnant? There are plenty of people out there who don't have that excuse who are feeling a lot of those same things, so I think you're doing ok.

Hormones are a bitch. There's just no other way to say it. I have been "me" my entire life and yet, depending on my hormones, I have been a different person at different times in my life. I have talked with Joe numerous times about how pregnancy above all other times has proven just how much of a slave to hormones we are. From the minor -- for example, when I was pregnant I really had no interest in desserts. I didn't have a food aversion, I just didn't crave them (and could say no easily) when usually I am a chocoholic. It wasn't long after Krissa was born and I began HAVING to have chocolate again. On the other end of the spectrum is what you are feeling. But truth be told, I believe that is the natural part of the adjustment process of having another baby. I blogged about how not long after I found out I was pregnant with baby #2 (after planning her my whole life and it taking three tries), I burst into tears one day because I was so worried I'd made a mistake, or at least I should have waited longer. I loved my one on one time with Logan and we had our routine flowing easily and I didn't know how things could possibly remain as good by adding a baby to the mix. But here we are four months later and it's as if she's always been here, she fit into our family flawlessly. However, I also blogged about Logan and my bad days while we stayed at my dad's during our move and how I got the bad mom of the year award. In other words, I can identify with not being your best self with your firstborn when you are stressed and then feeling awful about it. But, feeling that way is what allows you to take matters to improve. Every time I realize that I am getting short with Logan, I notice it's because I'm already feeling stressed (and tired). I then try to shift my priority so that I'm focusing on one on one time with him rather than whatever it is I've been focusing on that's making me stressed and worn out. It usually works. No matter what, those "sick of ourselves" moments will happen -- there is just no avoiding them because we aren't perfect people and sometimes we have to wait to get those recovering moments. But, if we just ignore our feelings and bad days without trying to improve ourselves then yeah our kids will grow up hating the world, but if we give them a happy home then the world doesn't seem like a scary or overwhelming place because what they know is secure and warm & cozy. :-) It sounds like you're doing the best you can (reading self help books and drinking tea, etc) so don't beat yourself up -- you'll be a great mom to baby #2 AND Gregory.

Cathi, pot pies have entered into my healthy foods list. They have veggies, right? Also, feeling those things is one thing .. throwing a scotch tape holder against the wall in front of the kid rendering him weepy and scared is another.

Andrea, thanks. It's surprising to hear you had similar concerns. I know just how much you wanted baby Krissa. It's just like you said though "I didn't know how things could possibly remain as good by adding a baby to the mix". Also I'm concerned about the fact that by bringing another baby into our family we're taking all sorts of attention and time away from Gregory.

It will take a little attention away from him, but the great part about the age difference (since yours will be just one month different than Logan and Krissa) is that the big brothers have the skills to play on their own and really not mind (as long as it's not too often). When I'm tending to Krissa, I hear Logan talking to his toys and it's very cute. I can tell when he's having fun and when he's not. When he starts to act out I know that I need to make plans to do something fun for him (later, so that he doesn't think he's being rewarded, lol). But overall I have been amazed at how self sufficient he has become. It makes him feel good, too!

Also, at this age they are much easier to get involved in what we're doing. For example, I can ask for his help and that makes him feel important and that way I'm giving both of them attention at the same time ("Hey Logan, can you go get me a burp towel? Logan, can you hand me those wipes? Can you hand me a diaper? What do you think Krissa should wear today?" Then it's followed by, "Wow, what a great helper you are, I am so lucky to have you!")

When Krissa takes naps I resist the urge to do the zillion things on my "to do" list and instead spend one on one time with Logan.

Joe gets one on one time with Logan when he gets home from work because Krissa is a mama's girl. Sometimes this makes me a little sad since I used to be the one who gave Logan the majority of his attention, but mostly I am really happy to see that they are growing closer and developing more of a bond because it seems like it's the way it's supposed to be -- Logan attaching to his same sex parent. Still, whenever I get days of feeling like I haven't gotten "my" time, then Joe and I switch even if that means Krissa isn't happy. But she is coming around!

Believe me, once you meet that new baby they will capture your heart and everything will fall into place. I've told Joe I can actually see why people have a lot of kids now (I previously could never understand) -- watching my kids as brother and sister, seeing my boy and girl every day...words can't describe it. It's the best!