Evelyn: So, how is work?Charlie: Fine.Evelyn: Are you seeing anybody special?Charlie: Nope.Evelyn: Charlie, did you ever stop to think that our relationship is strained because you won't let me in? You won't share.Charlie: You know why I won't share with you, Mom? Because anything I say will be used against me.Evelyn: Oh please...Charlie: I have to go to the bathroom, maybe I have a prostate problem. I buy a new Mercedes, you call it a Nazi phallic symbol. I'm seeing someone new, you ask if I'm paying her by the hour, or per schtup!

Alan: When was the last time you called mom just to see how she was doing?Charlie: Uh, whoo. What's today, Sunday? Then never.Alan: Why don't you start with that?Charlie: OK, fine.Alan: Remember her number?Charlie: I've got it on speed dial. 666. Cute, huh?