"I tell him I tried. I tried to keep memory alive; I tried to fight those who would forget. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. There is so much injustice & suffering crying out for our attention. We must take sides. We must interfere. -E.W.

Stay Strong: Indomitable Will.

People tell me to “Stay strong!”, and this means a lot to me. There a times when I draw on this encouragement… every day, as a matter of fact. Mostly I love hearing this because I know people are rooting for me, for Ryan’s sake.

I always considered myself a resilient sort. My wife calls it “stubborn” or “bull-headed”, but you get the idea, right? I suppose we’re both correct, at least in principle.

Hey, I do stay strong/resilient/stubborn/bull-headed. Well, most of the time.

But, I’m here to tell you, it is both easy and difficult to stay strong. The first reason (easy) is because I really have no other choice. It’s just the way it must be and there’s no respectable or honorable escape from that bleak reality. As for it being difficult, that takes more to explain.

Monumental Times of Strength

I only need to look back over the past four-plus years to remind myself that I am stronger than the circumstances. Hell, haven’t I proven this to myself enough already? No matter, there’s always doubt lingering in my mind that I can endure… and this scares me. After the first year I asked myself, “How will I ever do this another year? There is no way this will be possible!”

Dammit to hell-and-back, I did! Then I did it a second time… then a third. I cringe thinking that the fifth anniversary of Ryan’s brutal attack (by Austin Vantrease and Jonathan May, both of Newark, Delaware) will arrive later this year. I guarantee you when that date arrives that I will wonder if I can stay with it another five years. It seems impossible even though I know it’s within me to never give up.

[Source: Gandhi]

Yes, I “stayed strong” from the beginning. It all started when we received the call from Ruby Memorial Hospital that our son was found unresponsive in a parking lot and we should get there as soon as possible. Then through that next day when he was not expected to live. Or calling my daughter, Kari, to come say goodbye to her big brother. Or when his lung collapsed. Or when his body temperature skyrocketed to 109.8 degrees (yes, that’s one-hundred and nine) or plummeted below what the thermometer could register. Or the months of neurological storming, when he moaned in complete agony for 18 hours a day as his body contorted in unnatural position and his vital signs were critical. Yes, I was resilient when we learned his brain stem hemorrhage three weeks after the attack, and only time would tell if he would survive (it was inoperable). What about all the times when his heart rate would unexpectedly drop below 30 beats per minute and he would be defibulated?

Or the times I watched him die, and be brought back, right before my very eyes?

Neurological Storming, as I describe it: “It is the mind and body in chaos”. During this time Ryan’s heart rate would be up (150+), blood pressure sky-high, and temperatures frequently 105+ degrees (109.8 was his highest. I don’t know how he ever survived that). He would moan in pure agony. They were life-threatening events where Ryan was at risk of a heart attack (pulse), stroke (blood pressure), or catastrophic cellular protein breakdown (fever).

I am strong, but not just evident from what I went through. That simply doesn’t explain it entirely because there’s one more thing that I did throughout it all. I held it together for my wife. When I told her that “We got this”, I meant it. She knew I meant it because I am so flippin’ bull-headed, remember? This, my friends, is why I believe I am strong. Not just because I made it through it, but because I did so while seeing she did too.

Quiet Times of Strength

I told you in the opening paragraph that every day I call upon your encouragement to “stay strong” and this is where you might not even know your helping me. Sure, you probably understand that it is hard just to get the day started. Yet, it goes deeper. There is just so much that I don’t share that you might never imagine.

Unless someone has taken care of a person in Ryan’s condition there’s no reason they would.

Believe me, it takes a ton of strength to insert a plastic tube up Ryan’s nostrils and down his throat to suction out a mucus plug that is pulling down his oxygen saturation. It tears me apart to see him coughing so violently and doing everything he can to get away from it.

Here’s another one I bet people don’t know, but let me set it up first. It’s probably the one thing I do — every evening before taking Ryan in for a shower — that tests my strength no matter how many times I do it. I hate it for me and that some punk-ass thugs put me in this situation, yes, but I truly hate it for Ryan. It involves his bowel movements. Just so you know, it is vitally important for those in Ryan’s condition to purge regularly or they will become quickly constipated.

Picture yourself doing what I’m about to explain to another person. Then, if you really want the full effect, image doing this to your child or another you love so deeply.

So, like anyone else Ryan must move his bowels. It took nearly a year of “training” but I now have him on a schedule. I chose the evening because it occurs immediately before showering him and getting him into bed. By doing it at this time I can get him cleaned thoroughly and be reasonably comfortable that he won’t dirty the bed.

To get him to go to the bathroom takes some “persuasion”. Those in the medical field have a nice term for it… “digital insertion”. Allow me to bluntly translate this. Simply stated, it is sticking my finger in his anus and up his rectum. Wearing a latex glove is necessary but only makes it slightly better. The feces are mostly liquid because that’s how his nutrition is given (formula or liquified food). It literally just pours out at first, then drips. The odor is stifling.

Wiping Up

Oh, sure, there are plenty of other things I could tell you about where I need to stay strong, but that’s probably enough crap for one day.

My point is, your encouragement carries me through so much more than you possibly realize… more often than you ever knew. Thank you for being by my side, rooting me on, and loving my son enough to want me to “stay strong” to make him strong.

Comments

You, Ken are truly a hero. I have kept your Christmas card on my refrigerator as a reminder to never take life for granted , to never waste a single day, and to show love as often as you can because you never know when it’s going to be your last. ♥♥

I am a new follower and I send you strength and prayers. I know first hand some of the things you go through. I am my 19 year old son’s caregiver as well. He doesn’t walk or talk and has no movement in his right side. So he is my full care and it is emotionally and physically exhausting. I do it out of love and devotion just as you do. I understand the meaning of life turned upside down. I am married I have two other children and we tried to live a normal life as possible. There is an adjustment time where everything you once have known is gone. Time to adjust to the new “norm”. Our lives are forever changed but I wanted to let you know you are not alone in the is journey. Head up and stay strong my friend. Continued strength, serenity and love to Ryan and family!

You and your family are a force of strength like no other.i pray daily for you and your family. I hope the power of prayer brings many blessings your way.your story is one I will keep in my heart always.stay strong♡

This post has me weeping. My God they turned an entire family upside down that night. But your strength and indomitable will will carry you through. And on those days when you feel you can no longer do it….just call on us… We are all here. And we will lift you up. We love you! #DivineyStrong #TeamDiviney

You do a great job for your son Ken. We pray to God and he is helping. He’s blessed Ryan with a strong loving Father who does whatever it takes, and does not (& will not) quit. Stay strong and we are praying for you.

Ken, I have never thought of you as anything but an emotionally strong man. I have given you lots of advice and suggestions over the years, but that is what I do–at 75 as of January 14th. This has never been because I don’t think you are strong–you are! I mean this in every sense of the word, “strong.” And I know we all want you to continue being so, not only so that you can continue working with Ryan, but also for Sue and Kari(and for us, Ken), but for your own self-confidence.

You will stay strong and we will continue telling you, “Stay strong!” So take good care of Kenneth’s health and STAY STRONG!