I sit by the restless all the dark night - some are so young;
Some suffer so much - I recall the experience sweet and sad,...

Sunday, May 15, 2011

In which a mother weeps

I'm not quite sure when I went to do that Noctis thing. Three days ago? Four? Time has kind of been running together. Between my work and the Noctis and Anya and Mom telling me to do stuff, I just don't have enough brain cells to figure out timelines. Plus, that's kind of tedious.

So, I'm not sure when it happened. But it happened. And it was a total let down. The address was a nursing home, and I spent several hours writing down the names of old people. The minute I think I'm going to learn something, and they go make me do something stupid like that. They've been sending me all over doing silly stuff like that, and I really hate them for it. I mean, Anya's in danger here. I don't care if you don't trust me, let me help somehow. Or at the very least don't send me on wild goose chases pretending that it's important.

Anya gets out of school for the summer in a week. I'm not sure whether that makes her more or less safe. All I know is that things are slowly building. And it's sort of freaking me out, to be honest. That's probably why I'm so frustrated at this pointless running around. It's like the Noctis aren't even trying to save her.

The only one who seems remotely honest with me is Llorona, and even she seems obsessed with these stupid errands. It turns out that she really was fine. She made sure that Anya was ok during the fire, then high tailed it out of there. I thought it was kind of silly until she told me why she joined the Noctis. She also gave me permission to tell it to you guys. She talked, I typed, I copy and pasted it here. On her request, I took out proper nouns. But aside from that, this is how she told it. Ok, I edited it a bit. Not the story, just some of the wording and sentence structure and stuff. I meant no disrespect at all. Actually, I feel a bit weird about posting this, but Llorona wanted me to. She said that if people really were reading this, they should know.

Llorona's Tale:
You don't really get a life working for the Noctis. Anyone you talk to could possibly be the next person you're trying to protect. So you stay aloof, you don't make friends, you only talk when neccesary. I've heard the others complain about it, but I've never minded.

I had a life once. I had a husband and two children. Two beautiful, wonderful children. My husband and I both worked at the elementary school our children went to. I loved teaching, and children. I thought that my life was perfect and perhaps it was. But over time, something strange began to happen to my husband. It was subtle at first, and I only really notice now that I look back. But he was changing, little by little. His emotions dulled, his opinions began to shift, and at night when he thought I was asleep he would sneak into our children's room and whisper about how he would protect them until the shadow was ready for them. I stood in the hallway listening to him, but I did nothing. I still thought that he was the man that I loved. This inaction killed my children.

It was a spring morning. I seem to remember it being a beautiful day. It started without warning. I smelt smoke about the same time the alarms went off, and the fire was in the classroom shortly after that. I can't say that fire drills aren't helpful, because they saved my life. But they don't prepare you. Nothing can prepare you for the smoke and the heat and the sound of screaming children.

I tried to keep my class calm as I led them out the route we had practiced. On the way, shortly before the exit there was a hallway that seemed to be without fire of any sort. We had almost gotten through it when my husband blocked our way. The monster was behind him and I couldn't tear myself away from those eyes. I could hear my husband mumbling over and over. 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't want to.' The man behind him... stretched. And several children of my class began to walk towards him. I tried to stop them, but they kept on walking and I could only hold a few back at a time. Eventually, all that walked towards him disappeared with the monster.

My husband was still mumbling that he was sorry over and over. That and the monster was all I could think of. It took me to realize that he was carrying a fire axe. Three children were gone before I could take it from him. It didn't stop him, and he had strangled another before I forced him to stop.

I didn't kill my husband. He was already dead. But I killed my children by not noticing.

Twenty children died from the fire, they say. How many was the smoke and how many was my husband I do not know. Twelve children were never found, mine among them. Usually I can handle schools. Before everything, I had found them comforting.But that's what he does. He takes what is safe and turns it against you. Your home, your family, even your mind. He burns it away until it's ash. A school on fire is different than just a school. A school on fire is His.

I'm sorry for leaving Anya. But I can't go through that again. I have lost enough.

Are you completely kidding me David? Have you gone totally batshit? I'm not leaving Anya. No way. There is nothing that can happen that will keep me from helping her. Are you seriously asking me to put myself before a TEN YEAR OLD GIRL? No. No way on earth.

What I'm about to say is entirely hypocritical and selfish, and I apologize in advance for this, but I would rather you make it out safely from this, rather than end up harmed in anyway while protecting Anya. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I will come over there and drag you away myself if I have to.