The Black Sheep

5 Big Ass Winter Coats That Scream: ‘I’m From Florida!’

‘Tis the season for some big ass winter coats that scream “I’m from Florida and holy shit I’m totally not used to this weather!” If you don’t have these insulating fashion icons, are you even from Miami?

5.) The North Face Triple C II down parka:

This sweet floor length parka keeps your feeble, Floridian body warm from your ears down to your knees! Who cares that it’s dragging along on the dirty concrete when you’re completely safe from this frigid fifty-degree weather?

4.) The Canada Goose Pritchard coat:

You saw one on sale at Macy’s, and went for it. No one has these coats back home in sunny Florida, so you had no clue about their ongoing issue with animal cruelty. You may be a little ignorant, but at least you’re ignorant and warm!

3.) Like five of these Surf Style hoodies:

Listen, there’s no weather a good ol’ hoodie from Surf Style can’t protect against in the state of Florida. This company has never let you down, so go ahead and layer on about five of these bad boys and don’t forget where you came from!

2.) European winter long faux fur trench coat:

This number was the softest and heaviest thing you could find in the entirety of Urban Outfitters, so you bought it. You knew you needed the warmest gear around to prepare for this November tundra.

1.) A Pub(lix) Sub:

Everyone from Florida knows that Publix Chicken Tender Subs are pure magic. If you ask your parents to ship one up to you and then stick it somewhere on your body, they will for sure keep you feeling great and probably grant you three wishes.

Pick up one of these (un)ethical pieces of attire, and you’ll be toasty in the nippy wind tunnels of Manhattan.