SONGFIC! to the ^Offspring^ song! Um... spoilers for ep 17. Mostly introspection, Vash thinking about his life, Knives, his friends, and peace, love, & all that jazz. My 1st Trigun fic. [very] slight VxM, and not as long as it looks.

AUTHOR'S NOTE:This is my first Trigun fanfic, and it's a songfic.I thought the lyrics here particularly
applied to Vash, what with him dodging bullets, never conforming to expectations,
and never giving in.And the music is a
rush, kind of like his life.And, as a
plus, the lead singer has spiky blond hair, just like Vash. ~_^This fic is a little more paced and sedated
than the song really is though, mostly introspection.

I've noticed Vash is more difficult to write about than
other characters.Because of his
contradictory nature it's much harder to get into Vash's thoughts than, say,
Vegeta's or Usagi's or Heero's.

Any references to religion in this fanfic (slight, and
only two I think), are the reflection of the character's beliefs, not
mine.So please no preaching and no
flaming over any of that.

"Staring At the Sun" is by Offspring.

Trigun was created by Yashiro Nightow, and it is him you
may thank fervently for this most splendiferous, stupendous, stirring, stagy,
and splitting mad anime/manga.

This one goes out to you, Rinoa-chan!Cause its _ALL_ABOUT _VASH!

Staring at the Sun
By Rashaka

His
eyes swam over the landscape.It was
stark, sandy, and near to dead.It was
a familiar sight.It was a familiar
wasteland.

Maybe life is like a ride on a freeway
Dodging bullets while you're trying to find your way

On
days like today he wondered if he'd be condemned to wander forever.It still held interest for him after more
than a century, but who wanted to be homeless for all eternity?Vash at times believed that might be what it
would take to find himself.It didn't
seem like he'd be getting his grays any time soon, either, so he could be at it
for a very long time.And after all, he
certainly couldn't stay in any one place forever; people noticed when you
didn't age.Not to mention that rather
annoying bounty that kept rearing its ugly head everywhere he went.Not that he wasn't flattered at the
disgustingly gratuitous amount... but it was still irritating.It kept him from even TRYING to find a
home.Everywhere he went, it was "Vash
the Stampede this…", and "Vash the Stampede that…".They were all so busy trying to catch him that they only ended up
harming themselves, when they could be doing something useful like helping each
other or building new homes or taking care of lost children or feeding homeless
people or baking doughnuts… he really didn't need to get started.He'd only work himself up again, and that
would serve no purpose except to make him depressed.

Everyone's around, but no one does a damn thing
It brings me down, but I won't let them

Not
that he didn't like being depressed sometimes too.Heck, aside from eating and sleeping and drinking and walking and
ogling at girls, brooding was his favorite pastime.He had a lot to brood on too... but the only person who knew
about it was him.That was the really
sucky part.Half the fun of brooding
anyway was relishing the spiteful knowledge that everyone around you knew
exactly why you were doing it.

If I seem bleak
Well you'd be correct

He
guessed he could tell someone about it.But who?Wolfwood?Nah.Out of the question.Wolfwood
was better just being who he was.Besides, if the nosy priest really wanted to find out, he would eventually
on his own anyway.Vash had never met
anymore as stubborn as that man, except maybe himself. The Insurance girls
then?Maybe.Milly would listen and it wouldn't change her opinion of
him.She was great about stuff like
that.Meryl certainly not; if you're
nursing emotional baggage the one thing you don't want to do is dump it on the
only person who's likely to go out and do anything about it.And she would, too—Meryl was amazing enough
that she would actually try and fix his life.Truth be told, he didn't want anyone but him to do anything about
it.It was his problem.It was his brother.Okay... maybe Legato wasn't really his
problem.After all... it wasn't like he
was related to Legato.And the guy was
just way too scary.Better let the
professionals handle that one.Wait.He beat the professionals
regularly.So maybe that wasn't so
great a plan after all.Damn.He always had to deal with Knives' messes.

And if I don't speak
It's cause I can't disconnect

Knives.No there was someone
whose mere mention made Vash's blood rage.It's a sad thing in the human world to hate your twin brother, but they
weren't exactly human.And, if he were
going to be honest with himself, he had no idea what he'd do once he found the
other man.Vash had no intention of
dying, but he wasn't prepared to kill either.Still, Knives had to be stopped, somehow.And yet… he couldn't take his life.Vash owed Rem that much at least, after what Knives did to
her.As much as the monster hadn't
deserved it, Rem had loved them both.Equally.And she had told him
killing was wrong.Knives didn't
listen, but Vash had.Knives was his
responsibility now.

But I won't be burned up by the reflection
Of the fire in your eyes
As you're staring at the sun

And as his brother continued to wage his
stupid, bloody game of death against the human race, Vash was destined, doomed,
compelled to be on the other side, guns blazing.Knives was wrong, it was as simple as that.Vash would spend his entire life making
Knives understand.He would fight back
until those cold, familiar, horrible blue eyes saw the truth—or were blinded
forever.

As you're staring at the sunAs you're staring at the sunAs you're staring at the sun

"Vash-san!Vash-san!" the voice
rang out across the wastelands, and the humanoid typhoon brought a lighthearted
smile to his face, turned, and welcomed the sight of a worn out Milly Thompson
running haphazardly toward him.She
came right up to him, panting and smiling like she had won the lottery.She saw his smile, and ginned even wider,
taking it on face value.Vash was a
little relieved, at least he wouldn't worry her if she thought he was
happy—unlike Wolfwood who always saw right damn through him even when he didn't
realize he was faking it.He found that
habit extremely annoying, but didn't dare mention it because he'd only be
proving the crazy churchman right.

When I ran I didn't feel like a runaway
When I escaped I didn't feel like I got away

"Yeah Milly?" he answered, his sunglasses hiding his
eyes.

The long haired woman blinked at him, then replied perkily,
"I'm so glad I found you, Mr. Vash!Meryl's been looking all over for you!So has Mr. Priest!We have to
clear out within the hour if we want to catch the ride through west
desert.Meryl said when she found you
she was going to skin your hide and lay you out on the rocks as a tribute to
the continued survival of the local vulture families!Isn't that awfully scary?"Vash's smile became a little more genuine as he listened to the
insurance girl say all of that in one long, sincerely cheerful spiel.Nothing fazed her, not even Meryl's viscous
temper.He envied her a little for
that.

There's more to living than only surviving
Maybe I'm not there, but I'm still trying

He also
envied her a little for the kindess and affection Meryl showed her coworker
that she almost never showed him.Vash
would like to have be in Meryl's good graces at least once in a while, maybe
see her smile at him a little more.But
it seemed all he could ever do was get her mad, whether she found his playtime
with children to be a lazy waste of energy, or found his penchant for enjoying
himself with alcohol and parties to be outrageously irresponsible, or found his
appreciation of the female body to be insulting—though why the hell that was he
had no idea, she was a woman too, right?Whatever it was, Vash wished she would lighten up a bit; he'd rarely
been graced her smile, and it was really cute.He wanted to see it more often.Sometimes he needed other people's smiles to remind him what a real
smile was like.He liked hers though,
more than he thought she realized.

Though you hear me
I don't think that you relate

"Tell
her I'll be along in a minute," Vash responded to the animated insurance
agent."Don't worry, I won't be late
and I promise I won't ditch you today."

"Great! See you soon then Vash-san!" Milly bubbled and turned merrily
back toward the town below the hill.Vash's eyes followed her fondly.She is good for Wolfwood, he thought suddenly, and then shook his
head.He wasn't going to try and play
try and play matchmaker... with the way disasters hugged his footsteps that
would be a really bad idea.Besides,
maybe they didn't need his help anyway.Wolfwood already flirted with the woman constantly day in and day
out.One thing Vash had learned from
watching people over a long time was that they were never able to fool their
hearts for very long.He just hoped
they realized what they could have before it was too late.

When
traveling with Vash The Stampede, the first Human Act of God, too late always
seemed to be just around the corner.

My will is something
That you can't confiscate

Just
the thought made him nearly grimace, and his eyes drew back to the empty desert
landscape again, seeking some kind of solace in the ocean of sand.Did people on this planet even know what an
ocean was?Like him, they'd never seen
one.He himself only knew it because of
the studies he'd taken with Rem and Knives.If you've never seen something for yourself, what's to say it is
real?No.That was the fool's path.He believed in peace, and he had never seen it.He believed in the God, and he'd never seen
that either.He just had to keep
reminding himself of Rem's dream.Rem's
Eden.Someday, if the SEEDS plants
finally completed their terra-forming project—providing he didn't accidentally
blow them all up first—then the people of this planet just might have an ocean
of their own.

So forgive me, but I won't be frustrated
By destruction in your eyes
As you're staring at the sun

Maybe by then, after a few centuries of human mistakes and human trials,
maybe by then people will have worked out their intentions, and have realized
the value of human life.Until then,
Vash thought bleakly, he'd have to just keep on going, tracking Knives and
helping as many as he could in the interim.After all, in a world of blood, dust, tears and very small mercies, the
task of a hunter of love was a hefty one, and always a work in progress.

A
small, sardonic grin playing on his lips, Vash looked up at the sky.Above him two stars blazed blindingly in a
wild blue sky.A deep breath welled up in
his chest, and he let it out slowly, closing his eyes and letting the light
warm his face.With a short sigh, a
bittersweet smile, and clear eyes Vash rotated on his heel and ambled down the
hill to the town where his first true friends in a century waited for him, the
foot of his long scarlet coat collecting dust in the desert sand.

As you're staring at the sun
As you're staring at the sun
As you're staring at the sun