The Betty Ford Clinic employee who said Lindsay Lohan assaulted her has been fired, has hired a lawyer, and is facing rival charges of abuse from LiLo. Chemical dependency technician Dawn Holland says Lindsay sprained her wrist during an altercation over curfew. Holland says Lindsay came back after a night on the town, and since she broke the curfew, she had to do a breathalyzer, which Lindsay refused. According to Holland's incident report, Lindsay called 911, they fought over the phone, Lindsay threw the phone, wrestled another phone from Holland's hand, "then called me a 'CUNT BITCH.'" However! Lindsay says she is the victim. She says she wasn't out drinking, but getting her hair done, and Holland grabbed her and shoved her, prompting LiLo to cry. She asked Holland to give her a breathalyzer to prove she had not been drinking, but Holland refused, and pushed her around until Lindsay called 911. And! Holland openly admits to making $10,000 from TMZ, prompting the Betty Ford Clinic to fire her for violating "strict confidentiality guidelines and laws by publicly identifying patients in a media interview [Probably this one] and by disclosing a privileged documents [the incident report?]." Holland's report notes that she threatened to press charges against Lindsay, prompting the trouble-attracting starlet to reply, "Oh, you want money." I imagine Lindsay's therapy must focus pretty heavily on that whole "everyone wants something from me" thing, which turns out to be tragically and inescapably true. [TMZ, TMZ, TMZ, Radar, images via Pacific Coast News & TMZ]

How Katy Perry keeps Russell Brand sexually satisfied: "I have secrets and magic tricks, of course. I can't share them because then you'd all know. But let's just say I'm not shy." There are only two possible reactions to that statement: Arousal or induced vomiting. Katy Perry's the kind of girl who draws love/hate reactions. [Grazia via Us]

Two guys arrested for breaking into 50 Cent's Connecticut mansion, then getting drunk on Fiddy's booze, say they weren't trying to steal anything, they just wanted to "hang out" in his crib. Since the pair was discovered lolling in a closet, reeking of wine and weed, they might actually be telling the truth. [TMZ]

Mid-divorce, Ryan Reynolds is telling everyone Scarlett Johannson "treated him badly." But he's also "sad and depressed," because being treated like shit by a woman like that is worth it, sometimes. [Us]

Heidi Montag reveals the scars from Spencer inserting mind-control devices her terrible plastic surgery. They're billed as "horrified scars," but they seem within reason to me. She didn't actually think plastic surgery would be like Nip/Tuck, did she? Her woes: "a 2-inch-long raised blemish under her chin from her chin reduction, two caterpillar-size bald spots along her hairline from a brow lift, a horrifying jagged line behind her ears from having her ears pinned back, lumpy legs and four spots left on her lower back and below the buttocks from botched liposuction, a bright-red mark inside her right nostril, uneven boobs, a stretched mark on her chest and deep scars around her nipples from a second boob job." So it turns out that cutting your body open dozens of times does leave a mark. If only someone had been able to tell her this before she went under the knife. [Life&Style]