Scintillating new data on the habits of horny heterosexual teens today, as the CDC has released the results of a survey detailing the oral sex habits of America's children — after all, they are the future. And despite rumors of rainbow parties and color coded Silly Bandz, this country's young women are actually slightly less inclined than their predecessors to round the sexual bases. Further, claims that there's an oral sex epidemic among young people are overblown.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention conducted 6,346 interviews with America's most sullen segment of the populace ("Have you been having oral sex?" "GOD NO! Oh MY GOD, CDC! You are so embarrassing!) and found some mythbusting truths about 15-24 year olds. First, young teenagers between the ages of 15 and 17 aren't having blow job parties with nearly the frequency Oprah would lead you to believe — only 33% of girls in that age group had given or received oral, where 38% of boys had. By the late teen years, about half of survey participants had given or received oral sex, and by the time people hit their early 20's, the numbers jump to 80% for both genders, a slight but marked decrease from the last time the CDC gathered data on how many miles of dick this country's daughters were swallowing. In 2002, 55% of teens between 15 and 19 reported giving or receiving oral sex.

Researchers, nonetheless, are concerned by the fact that 2/3 of people between the ages of 15 and 24 have had oral sex, because oral sex puts people at risk of getting or giving horrific diseases — Throat cancer! AIDS! Super gonorrhea! — unless people wrap themselves up in plastic grocery bags before touching each other.

But the most interesting tidbit found by researchers wasn't that we've successfully terrified the shit out of teenage girls, but the fact that oral sex isn't the sexual placeholder we thought it was. It's not a workaround for teens who are overly concerned with preserving their virginity; the first time teens have oral sex tends to happen either right before or at nearly the same time as the first time they have traditional P-in-V sex. A very small percentage of respondents — 7% of girls and 10% of boys — reported having experienced oral sex but not "regular" sex.

How can we make this into an alarming segment on a Friday night network newsmagazine?