Sweden's secret to winning dog showsBy, Cozmic
On February 16th 19:29 GMT, the Swedish secret to winning so many dog shows
was finally discovered, and the Swedes in question have been hanging their
heads in shame ever since.
It would appear that the secret behind Gunnar Eriksson and Anna Wettergren's
success has been, and this is so tragically hilarious I can barely type
it, and then you have to keep in mind I'm a person that's seen a lot of
really weird things. But this, dear reader, this takes the cake, at least
in the “things I have seen in a dog show” category. Because, and let us
be totally honest now.. who the hell dresses up in a dog-suit just to win
prizes? Why not just, oh, I don't know, buy a real dog!? Apparently because
real dogs cannot win contests by being entirely 100% kooky. Because really,
how many real, actual dogs manage to stand on their hind-legs and do the
peanut-butter jelly dance? Apparently, the answer is zero.
For the past four years, the couple Eriksson and Wettergren have competed
in multiple dog-shows around the world, with Eriksson playing the dog, Fike,
using a very lifelike and rather suspect suit and Wettergren its master.
The implications of this are of course horrifying, so of course they claim
they only did this for the money and to prove that they could.

The suit, which must have been exceptionally painful to wear, depicts
a small St. Bernard, just big enough to be adorable, inside which is some
complicated mechanics, and some not at all complicated mechanics. To be
honest, the most impressive part of it all is the mouth, made using some
technical mumbo-jumbo. The thing even looks real, although this might
be because Gunnar, who would cram his tiny frame into the suit, would
put on fake dentures and show off his real mouth. Apparently he has just
bad enough hygiene that he passes for a dog, or he eats dog food to get
everything just right. The couple refused to comment, so I am not really
sure which, or if it is some extremely frightening third option. Pads
seemed to ease the pain of walking around in it, while a few bribes helped
with that pesky problem of some people still not thinking the not-actual-dog
deserved to win. This begs the question of why even bother with the whole
thing when you could just enter an ugly dog you got from the pound and
bribe your way to victory, but then I decided I did not want to go there.
I really, really hope it is because they just do not want a dog, I really
do. Anything else is quite frankly too scary to consider.
Nobody knows exactly what the law says about impersonating something that
is not, in fact, a person as such, but of course the couple have been
permanently banned from all dog-shows for life.
The couple was caught by a group of teenagers, saying there was something
mysterious about the way the dog wagged its tail, or cursed as it occasionally
ate dog-biscuits. The teenagers, who have chosen to remain anonymous so
they can drive around in a van and keep thwarting impostors, then went
to police, who investigated the matter, just as the couple was about to
claim the best-in-show title. Gunnar Eriksson was quoted as saying “we
would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling kids!”