A man walks into a bar with a lizard. He sits at the bar, sets his lizard on the counter, and orders a beer. While the bartender is getting his drink, he says to the man, "What's your friend's name?" to which the man replies, "His name is Steve, but I call him Tiny." The bartender asks, "Why do you do that?" and the man says .... "Because he's my newt!"

A man walks into a bar with a lizard. He sits at the bar, sets his lizard on the counter, and orders a beer. While the bartender is getting his drink, he says to the man, "What's your friend's name?" to which the man replies, "His name is Steve, but I call him Tiny." The bartender asks, "Why do you do that?" and the man says .... "Because he's my newt!"

A piece of string walks into a bar to order a drink. But the bartender says "Get out of here! We don't serve pieces of string in this bar!" So the piece of string goes outside, ties himself into a knot and frays his ends, and goes back into the bar. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that piece of string I threw out a minute ago?" and the string says "I'm a frayed knot."

(a frayed knot/ afraid not. It works better told out loud than written down)

_________________"That is some very responsible yolo-ing." - allularpunk"We are simple people, my husband is a mechanic with dirty hands, my daughter is a blue haired lesbian who's favorite activity is making people uncomfortable." - torque

I went through a short phase where I'd copy and paste funny jokes to an email draft so I could save them and look at them later and laugh by myself. I probably got them from the old boards, but they're still funny as hell, so:

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to santa.

Did you hear about the baby born without eyelids? Yeah, they constructed some out of his foreskin. He's just a little cockeyed.

What do you call a fish with no eye? FSH

When gooses fly south, why is one side of the V usually longer than the other?There are more gooses on that side.

What do you call a woman driving a plane? A pilot, you sexist!

Q: Why did Mickey break up with Minnie? A: Because she was forkin' Goofy!

A nun is taking a bath. A knock comes at the door, and she says, "who is it?" The reply: "the blind man." She thinks, oh well, why not. "Come in," she says. A man walks in and says, "nice tits. Where do you want the blinds?"

So two tampons are walking down the street but they are not talking to eachother. Why? They are both stuck up croissants.

What do you call a camel with no humps? Humphrey

Did you hear about the models who went camping? .....They were pretty intense.

Did you hear about the two antennae that got married? The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was AWESOME.

A penguin's car was running poorly, so he drove to a garage. The mechanic told him to leave the car and come back in an hour. The penguin ask him if there was a fish & chips place nearby. The mechanic gave him directions. An hour goes by, the penguin returns. The mechanic closes the hood of the penguin's car and says to the penguin, "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin wipes his mouth and says..."nope, tarter sauce".

Did you hear about the two antennae that got married? The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was AWESOME.

I bow to your GENIUS. <3I feel like I already posted all my good ones on the old board but I'd be happy to rehash them...

There is ONE I never posted on the old board... I'm sorry in advance.

One day this CREEPY, WILD guy gets on the subway, and he starts running up to everybody in the car and threatening them. He's all "I'm going to DIFFERENTIATE YOU!!!" and the people are all "AHHHH!", and running away, because nobody wants to be differentiated, am I right? He gets even more intense, as people are backing away from him he's cornering them and screaming "I'm going to INTEGRATE YOU, HAHAH!!" and they're like "NOOOOOO!" and they all flee, too!He keeps threatening everyone in the subway car, and all of them run screaming away until finally there is only one guy left, in the very last seat at the end of the car. The madman runs back to him, waving his arms and laughing "I'm going to DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"

Did you hear about the two antennae that got married? The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was AWESOME.

I bow to your GENIUS. <3I feel like I already posted all my good ones on the old board but I'd be happy to rehash them...

There is ONE I never posted on the old board... I'm sorry in advance.

One day this CREEPY, WILD guy gets on the subway, and he starts running up to everybody in the car and threatening them. He's all "I'm going to DIFFERENTIATE YOU!!!" and the people are all "AHHHH!", and running away, because nobody wants to be differentiated, am I right? He gets even more intense, as people are backing away from him he's cornering them and screaming "I'm going to INTEGRATE YOU, HAHAH!!" and they're like "NOOOOOO!" and they all flee, too!He keeps threatening everyone in the subway car, and all of them run screaming away until finally there is only one guy left, in the very last seat at the end of the car. The madman runs back to him, waving his arms and laughing "I'm going to DIFFERENTIATE YOU!"

e^x and a constant were walking down an alley, when they notice a differential operator waiting at the end. The constant is terrified and refuses to continue down the alley, lest he become nothing. But e^x says, "Don't worry, buddy. I got this." and heads down to confront the differential operator.

e^x gets to the end of the alley and says, "Hey, buddy. I'm e^x. You don't scare me, why don't you just move along."

The operator looks at him for a moment, smiles wryly and says, "I don't think we've met. I'm d/dy."