Bereavement Support Group

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how do you allow yourself to start grieving

I am a single mom and try not to let my children see me upset. They didn't know my father as their grandpa because I didn't want them growing up knowing anything about the way I grew up. I got the call two weeks ago today (Sunday) from the hospital saying he wasn't going to make it. I made the trip back to Illinois (I live in Texas) and felt I had to be strong for my 2 younger brothers. I have yet to be able to just sit and cry or grieve. My tears come at the most inopportune times and don't last very long. I just wish I could allow myself to start crying and just cry until I couldn't anymore. I have even tried listening to the cd of the songs we had played at the funeral, but I can still only cry for a few minutes. Is there something wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? Is there anythign I can do to promote the grieving?

Everyone grieves a little differently. Don't feel bad because you're not a puddle of tears all the time. But also don't feel bad if you lose it in front of your kids once and a while. There's nothing wrong with them knowing that something makes you deeply sad. I also find that my grieving depends on the person I lost, and the circumstances under which I lost them. I grieve differently for my daughter than I did for my good friend who died of liver cancer. Just keep going about your life - don't try to supress the tears, let them come if they do, but don't feel like you have to force them either.

A good therapist can help you work on your issues with your dad. It is more difficult, but you can still resolve issues, even if the one(s) you have issues with are no longer living.
It is not harmful for your children to see you having a hard time, as long as they also see you come out of it. Otherwise, when they experience life's woes, they might think it's really bad for them to cry, etc. when it really is not.
Other things that might help you are journaling, allowing yourself alone time to just free-write and see what comes up. Getting your thoughts out on paper not only allows you to see them, it also is a great way to &quot;get it out of your system&quot; and you can do it while the kids are napping, or busy with something else.
IF you are recognizing that you are having difficulty grieving, hiding your feelings from your children, and have issues about the way you grew up, I imagine there may be a connection. You could start your free writing or therapy with those three ideas, explore whether or not they are related, and what to do with them whether they are related or not.

This is a general message I am posting to all of the groups I belong to:I just thought back to when I first found DS soon after it first began and what a different life I had then. It is much better now, mainly because I have my own apartment as opposed to living in an old travel trailer in somebody's driveway. But even that could have been much worse than it was. I have been here now since...

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