Power-mad Elton John launches boycott of 9000 more companies

Elton John’s publicist has confirmed that the 97-year-old musician is organizing a “ferocious and flamboyant” boycott of at least 9000 companies whose founders, CEOs or presidents who have said things which he dislikes.

“Sir Elton John will no longer tolerate any remark that ruffles the feathers of his many colorful boas,” said Sandra Wilcox-Bryant. “This includes anything from a diatribe to a quip, from a patter to a wee grunt.”

All week long, volunteers working for the singer have trawled the internet for utterances, statements and insinuations made by business leaders that run contrary to John’s beliefs, says the publicist.

“Sir Elton John is the epitome of judiciousness, and he’s not one to impulsively mete out punishment just because a company’s two founders stupidly remark that mothers have some use in child-rearing apart from lending their wombs.” Wilcox-Bryant said. “In fact, he’s so sage that before calling for a boycott, he meditates for several days, subsisting on nothing but organic soy milk and grape skins.”

“Still, any company head who thinks he can just blurt out whatever thoughts are bouncing around his mind would do well to first ask himself, ‘Will my remark displease Sir Elton John?’” she added.

A source close to John said that the singer plans to tweet a flurry of boycott hashtags to his nearly 500,000 Twitter followers, targeting almost every major company from Coca-Cola to the yoga pants maker Lululemon. Should his attempts to police the world for unsavory comments prove unsuccessful, the source says, John will consider returning to a quiet life of wearing a sequined cape and singing about musical crocodiles and rocket men.