Author Stephen King apologized for a Tweet in which he said that Dylan and Mia Farrow are going after Woody Allen out of “bitchiness”. For some reason the horror novelist hobbit thought it a good idea to enter the social media shit storm that is the Allen/Farrow molestation back and forth. People have been SCREAAMMMIINGGG in all caps on both sides of the issue for weeks now. Woody and Mia’s daughter Dylan recently drudged up the old allegations about her nebbish dad diddling her after he received a lifetime achievement award at the Golden Globes a few weeks back. When a fanboy asked Stephen King what he thought of the whole thing he tweeted,

“Boy, I’m stumped on that one. I don’t like to think it’s true, and there’s an element of palpable bitchery there, but…”

Then people jumped down his throat, came out his ass, and jumped back down his throat creating a virtual ass to mouth literary metaphor. People didn’t like that he was implying that there was sour grapes on Mia and Dylan’s behalf because of Woody breaking up with Mia then banging her adopted daughter, that slutty temptress, Soon Yi. Stephen King might turn out a 500 page book every week about something creepy happening in the woods, but he’s no match the for self-defined experts working 140 characters or less on Twitter. It’s like bringing a bazooka to a labia lip fight. Get out now, Stephen!

The cackling hens on The View tore into each other with various knuckle-headed and completely unfounded accusations on either side of the Woody Allen child diddling allegations. Barbara Walters kicked it off by asserting that Woody Allen couldn’t have molested his daughter Dylan because he’s so sweet with his new set of kids:

I have rarely seen a father as sensitive, as loving and as caring as Woody is and Soon-Yi to these two girls.

Open and shut case right there. Guys who seem like sweet dads can’t possibly be child molesters. Why, he’s not even wearing the officially designted ‘I’m A Total Child Molester’ T-shirt. Nice work-through, Babs.

There’s no way Jenny McCarthy is going to be left off the stupid train; she climbed aboard by insisting that Dylan Farrow must be telling the truth about her dad’s bad touches since she has nothing to gain by coming out with her tragic tale now. Except that she does. She even said so herself in her letter, timing her accusations to shame Hollywood for giving her father a Lifetime Achievement Award., Still, everyone has agreed that so long as Jenny isn’t blindly asserting shit that will kill a million more kids, it’s best just to smile and ignore her.

Sherri Shepherd took Barbara Walters unsupported assertion and flipped it 180-degrees to sound equally as stupid in the opposite direction:

We’ve heard so many cases of people going, ‘He was the most wonderful person in the world. I would have never thought he would’ve …

That’s right Sherri. If a person is a horrible dad, he’s obviously a molester. And if a guy seems to be a good dad, he’s just hiding the fact that he’s a child rapist. In short, all men are pedophiles. Sherri went on to insist that because Woody hooked up with Soon-Yi that means he likes them young, ergo, diddles babies. Doubly so since Soon-Yi was his own stepdaughter, even though, Soon-Yi she wasn’t his stepdaughter. Sherri doesn’t seem to be bound by the general debating rules of facts or evidence or modest levels of intelligence.

Sometimes I wonder how people can stand to watch a bunch of women sit around and talk stupidly for an hour. I mean, when they’re not really hot or naked or being chased by hungry wolves.

Woody Allen responded to his daughter Dylan Farrow’s allegations that he diddled her as a little girl. Dylan wrote an op-ed last week in which she attacked Woody’s fans and the actors who work in his movies. She said that since he fingerbanged her when she was 7, Louis C.K. and Alec Baldwin and Cate Blanchett shouldn’t work with him or something. Woody responded saying that he never touched her in her no-no spot and that all of this comes from coaching by his crazy-ass ex Mia Farrow. His other kid with Mia, Ronan also attacked his dad after Woody got a lifetime achievement award from the Golden Globes. He’s convinced Woody is a monster. Obviously, he’s unclear as to how Hollywood chooses its legends.

I don’t believe the sexual abuse allegations. The D.A. did some song and dance back in the day about having evidence but wanting to spare the family the suffering of moving forward with a celebrity trial. You know, like D.A.’s never do. Basically nobody produced any evidence of any wrongdoing outside the fluctuating testimony of a young girl in the middle of an ugly custody battle between her parents. The fact that Woody was fucking Mia’s previously adopted 19-year old daughter Soon Yi Previn made everybody assume that Mia hated Woody’s guts and would do anything to make him suffer. The entire affair is rather creepy, even if not illegal. Somebody fucked up Dylan to the point that she’s cutting herself and not eating and writing horrific open letters about daddy fondling her in the attic. For this reason, both Woody and Mia need to be sent to The Island of Really Shitty Parents that I just invented in my mind. They can cabin up with the Lohans and the Culkins and play the drinking game I Never entirely about shitty things they did to fuck up their kids. Once everybody has drunk themselves to death, we can declare their kids to be the winners.

There was one person who was not happy with Woody Allen receiving a lifetime achievement award at last night’s Golden Globes and that’s his son Ronan Farrow. Ronan claims that Dad Woody diddled his sister. No, he’s not talking about the sister Woody later married. Mia Farrow has always asserted that Woody touched his adopted daughter Dylan in the stranger danger spot when she was seven. Mind you, this was right after Woody left Mia for most definitely touching her adopted adult daughter Soon-Yi in the same spot. As a result, Ronan thinks his dad is an asshole. If my name were Ronan I’d hate my father too. Ronan tweeted,

“Missed the Woody Allen tribute — did they put the part where a woman publicly confirmed he molested her at age 7 before or after Annie Hall?”

I mostly like Woody Allen movies, but I can’t say as I would want him as a dad or let him alone around my kids. It’s sort of the way I felt about Michael Jackson. I’m gay enough to have memorized the entire Thriller album even though when I close my eyes I can see Michael pushing two sequined fingers up a sobbing McCauley Caulkin’s arse cheeks. We all have our angels and demons, though not all of our demons finger little kids I suppose. Still, Ronan needs to get over his ‘I hate Dad’ shit. Nobody wants to see a full grown man bitching about his father. I can’t even watch Hamlet without rooting against that whiny motherfucker. Go drown Woody in the Hudson and call it a vigilante kill, otherwise, shut the fuck up, you’re ruining Annie Hall and her gender ambiguous screed.