Sajini Chandrasekera

this is where I am at

Some things in life happen in such a way that it's like a fairy tale....You in my life are also like that. When I was first told about you, I wasn't much interested, but I couldn't turn my back on my friends’ request and thought of meeting you. And I never thought that I'll share a fairy tale story of my life with you.....

It was day like today. With a tremble in my heart and with support of my 2 friends, I decided to meet you. When our eyes met for the very first time, your eyes told me a story. I was locked inside your beautiful eyes, and for a moment I wanted to avoid your eyes. In the very deep corners of my heart I felt that you were mine, that you were the one that I've been searching all these years...and from that moment onward I began to love you....

From that day onwards my heart kept thinking of you. Though how much I tried to forget, but I couldn't. I wanted to find out whether it's attraction or love that I have for you. Everything changed in my life from the moment I met you. For the first time in my life I felt having someone to my own. I never trusted on short term relationships, and never felt any of them mine, and they never understood me.

I was a lonesome character, and always with myself. Outsiders saw me as a tough, strong character. My life was free as a bird, was what people thought. But no one could reach deep inside my soul to find that loving, caring girl inside me. No one knew that I'm a girl who was in thirst for love, and sometimes these things became my protection.

But in front of you I was totally me. All my thoughts and emotions I unfold in front of you without any fear. You loved me as much as I loved you. Your eyes poured love to me. You gave me the needed protection, you gave me your unconditional love which I was searching, you became my world, my life.....

You listened to me with patience, to all I have to say, you never complained. We both wanted each other mentally and physically. You made me a queen in your world. Not for once I realized that this is going to end very soon. I felt open to you with my feelings. Whatever I thought or dreamed I told you. You patiently listened to what I had to say. You loved me exactly the way I loved you. I felt your love deep inside me. I comforted myself in your love.

It gives an enormous pain to think of those days now. What a pure love we shared. I use to think how can anyone love the way we did? It was such a pure love. One day near the beach, locked inside your arms I asked you to love me like this forever...and you PROMISED.

My relationship with you survived only for 6 months, but to me that was an eternity. I built my world around you. I was radiant and was alive. I felt happiness around me. I never felt alone. I dreamt of a future with you, a family with you, kids with you.

But, one day my dreams were shattered, my world collapsed. You choose to walk away from my life. For thousand times I thought that I made a mistake, that I didn't love you enough. I couldn't believe when you said that you can’t carry on with me. I was too shocked to absorb those words into myself. For a moment I thought I lived a dream.

Everything of our time together bought an enormous pain to my heart. Day and night I cried my heart out. I avoided all the places we went. Everything hurts me very much.

I alone visited all the places we use to go, cried for hours remembering us together. Sometimes I stayed inside my car and cried until I had no more tears to cry. I worked too hard to forget everything about you, but it was not easy to forget someone I loved more than my life. Most of the time I avoided coming home fearing that my mum will see my difference. Sometimes I didn't have the energy to get up from bed, I felt very tired and no hope for another new day. I felt I have lost myself. Only person who stood with me was my best friend, she knew everything about you and my love to you but in this matter she was helpless too. Slowly I began to lost faith in people. I felt I couldn't trust anyone. And without knowing I began to hate everyone around me.

I felt depressed each day. I was not in control of myself, and I feared this. I couldn't think straight, I couldn't concentrate on my work. And it was time that I felt I should move on with my life. So, I came to a decision that I should forget everything that gave me a memory of you. Whenever I'm free I got addicted to sleep, and I used medicine to keep me in order. But, I still couldn't forget you completely. You always crossed my mind and always gave me a tear in eyes.

This short term love of us changed me to a different person. I didn't let anyone close to me, and I kept my distance from every one. I didn't trust anyone or will trust anyone again. My friend and I use to avoid talking about you or what happened but, sometimes I honestly wondered what happened to us.

Days passed into weeks and months, and life became normal to an extent. And in a most unexpected moment you came into my life as a different person. I'll never forget that day in my life.....I felt afraid that you'll hurt me again. I was not in a condition to go through that pain again.

Life is a surprise, and you in my life is also like that. I tried to keep a relationship with out loving you. But that was so difficult, and I realized that I fell in love with you over and over again. Relationships cannot be built without feelings. We wanted each other, we were crazy for each other, but deep inside I felt that I love a man who'll never be mine.

Whether I'm right or wrong I don't know. My love to you is pure and honest, and I will love you with all my heart and soul as long as I can. You taught me what love is, how to love and how beautiful love is.....I began to live with your love and for your love. You taught me how deep my love is. Sometimes I sink in to your eyes for a long time and up kissing your forehead, but I don't know to which extend you read my eyes. I always felt that you’ll leave me one day....that I'll be alone again.

I always wanted you in my life......always prayed you to be in my life.....be mine, my love......

Time passed without our knowledge....Twelve months, one year is a long time for a relationship.....Within 1 year lot of things can happen in a relationship....some may get stronger and some weaker...I myself is very happy that I was able to love you unconditionally the exact way I loved you a year ago.

Relation without a name don't have much future is my belief...Some day you may go from my life or you may ask me to leave......we will be left alone...you will feel my love ....my passion will make you crazy...you will be toured by the past of us being together...But, you will not be hurt.....You will not feel....