I’ve
been expecting the worst to happen for about thirty-four years. Those of you
that struggle with anxiety will know what I mean. It can swallow up the most
glorious day in a binge of self-inflicted doom. Every exit in your mind leads
to the most terrible scenario your psyche can puke up. Sometimes in my life that
worst thing has happened – not being able to cope, being admitted to the
psychiatric ward, Ace of Base getting to number one. I’ve got through it all because
I’m built for a crisis. I’m always ready for the fightback. Total failure and derision
are motivating. What helped me finish the London Marathon in 2006 when I was openly
weeping and had lost 2 toenails at mile eleven wasn’t the cheering crowds, it
was the thought of sticking my V’s up at all the people who said that I never
would. Part of me is always waiting for
it to go all wrong so I can come back fighting. One of life’s survivors and all
that.

Bizarrely
what I find quite difficult is when everything goes right. When everything just
comes together, the stars align, and life just works. That’s been my experience
with the TV adaptation of my books into My
Mad Fat Diary.

From
start to finish the show has attracted the sweetest and most talented people.
From the production staff, to the writers - Tom Bidwell and George Kay have
turned my writing into such brilliant screenplays for our fabulous cast. They
are not only very skilled but also very lovely people. And then of course
there’s Sharon. What a delight it has been to watch this actress go from
strength to strength and become one of the most exciting acting talents of a generation.
And she’s a joy to be with in real life.

For
those of you who fancy Nico I would like to intensify your love for him by
telling you he is also adorable in real life. I can’t think of anyone I don’t
like. Seriously. But my Mum and I both agree that Darren Evans - who plays
Danny Two Hats - is our absolute favourite. We can’t help it. We just want to
adopt him.

Anyway,
it’s all just flowed perfectly. You can imagine that entrusting your teenage
life to a bunch of strangers would be a nerve wracking experience, but
adolescent Rae was in safe hands. I got to watch the show on DVD before it
aired and I loved it from moment one. The real Rae is far more Jarvis Cocker
mad than Liam Gallagher obsessed (I’m on Noel’s side anyway), but apart from
that I can’t fault it. It’s wonderful.

And
then you came along.

I’m
used to getting audience feedback. I worked in radio for many years before I
became an author (have you read all my books yet? Please do). People want to
tell you how they feel about your work. And that’s fine. Sometimes it’s good. Sometimes
it’s bad. And sometimes it’s a complete character assassination. That’s what
you expect - it goes with the territory.

What
I wasn’t prepared for, and what none of us could have expected, is the love
tsunami that has come from the My Mad Fat
Diary fandom. On Twitter, Tumblr and Facebook your reaction to the show has
blown me away. There’s magnificent fan fiction (Rae in Hogwarts is a particular
highlight), and fan art that I have compiled into several albums, with a huge
collage of pictures on my study wall. There are blogs that detail with such candor
the struggles people have with mental health and body image. Your honesty has
absolutely allowed other people to see that they are not alone in their
struggles. It’s wonderful.

YOU
have made this into a life affirming experience not just for me but for many,
many others. The reaction to the show has confirmed in my mind what I long
believed: that most of us are largely lovely with occasional bits of arse, but
who are REALLY trying. We are trying to be the best versions of ourselves we
can be. And anyone who doesn’t accept us for that, and for what we are, well they
can fuck off. To quote Kester.

I told you that sometimes I haven’t always
been able to enjoy this experience as much as I’d like… because I kept
wondering what would go wrong. Old anxieties, old problems, a bit of imposter
syndrome all came back to bite me on the backside. What did I do about that?
Well as soon as I realised I was being a complete cock, I found a hypnotherapist
who helped me with it. If there is one thing I would love the show to stand for,
it’s that it’s fine to stick our hands up and say ‘I’m struggling here,’ and to
seek help to get better.

The great news is there are lots of
ways to improve how we feel. Taking responsibility for your head is the single
biggest thing we can do for ourselves and others. There is no shame in wanting
to pursue your own mental health with the same vigour that you would do with
your physical health. I’d like to open head gyms everywhere – the world would
be a better place.

Anyway,
it’s time to say goodbye to teenage Rae on screen. But from adult Rae I want to
thank you very, very much for all your love and support.

Rae Earl

Find out more about the original My Mad Fat Diary books by Rae Earl here:

This is for @upthenorthmountain, and I want to state for the record that it is all her fault :P This started as an anonymous fic in her inbox, because she promised that she could handle the angst when I told her I had an idea that would make everyone would hate me. But then life got out of control and I never finished the story, so I collected the bits and rewrote them a bit and added a conclusion. And I’m very sorry, in advance, please direct complaints to @upthenorthmountain because did I mention that this is her fault? This is her fault (also it is dedicated to her, thanks for putting up with my plot bunnies, Anna <3)

“Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.” - The Princess Bride

Kristoff crouched down on the floor and
surveyed the area under the bed critically. “No monsters here,” he
announced.

A chubby little finger pointed to the
closet. He got up with a grunt and went to open it, revealing a row of brightly
colored dresses, a few shelves of folded clothes, an overflowing bin of blocks
and other toys. Kristoff solemnly examined them all.

“No monsters here either,” he
said, but he left the light on anyway.

The little girl in the crib was three and
a half, her red hair just long enough to form two little pigtails. It was very
important, he had learned, for her hair to be in pigtails before bed. Ella’s
hair had an amazing capacity for knots, and there had been a few times when
he’d worried that he’d be forced it cut it off. Kristoff stroked a hand over
her head. He bent down to kiss her forehead and tucked up her blanket.

Kylo is a lets player as well as a pretty constant vlogger
and 90% of his videos just consist of him screaming about something or other
because he mostly plays frustrating games and has dozens of ridiculous stories
that don’t seem like they could actually happen to someone but are all totally
true (Once I stabbed my father…. This begins a part of my life I like to call “My
time in Juvi”)

It was really late in the night, about four thirty in the morning to be exact, usually by this time you would be sound asleep, having beautiful dreams while being in the arms of your handsome boyfriend Ricky.
But not tonight, instead you were sitting on the couch, leaning foward, your hands shielding your face. Your nails then proceeded to slide your hair away from your face in complete frustration. You sighed very heavily, almost sounding like you growled.
You sat up straight for a moment and looked over to your right, where you caught sight of a broken mug, pieces everywhere.
The you looked at the front door, where only a few minutes ago Ricky was standing there, shouting “Screw you (Y/N)!!” before storming out.

Lately the two of you have been fighting and doing nothing but that. You have even lost count of how many times you have argued with each other, but something was different about tonight, you felt like this fight was ten times more intense than the last, and the one before and so on.
Usually by now tears would be running down your face but as it was said before, tonight was different.
More anger was expressed, more true feelings were let out, and even worse, a lot more insults.
Your relationship was most definately on the rocks, you would expect arguments, but not like this, and not this often.

Your mind began to think about how you guys started out, everything was so happy and cheerful, the two of you were inseperable, most of the time you guys would make out, or cuddle, or even make love and tell each other nothing but “I love you.” or “You mean the world to me.”
But all of that has changed so dramatically. Those beautiful words turned into shouting and insults, you cant even remember the last time you heard an I love you comming out of Ricky’s mouth.
“Damnit…” you whispered, feeling an enormous lump form inside of your throat, but you sucked it up, you didnt want to cry anymore, you wanted to do something, something to save your relationship.
But at the same time it all just seemed so hopeless, but there had to be some way. You loves Ricky so much, and there was no way you were about to let fights get in the way. You refused to lose the man who truly stole your heart, even though he has been smashing it lately.

You looked at the time once more, it was now five in the morning, you began to see the black sky turn slightly royal blue outside the window. The sun was beginning to rise, Ricky had been gone for a while now and now your anger and sadness was turning into worry.
You grabbed your cell phone from the coffee table and called him up, his phone mustve been shut off because not even a ring was heard,
It went straight to voice mail.
“Hey this is Ricky, please leave a message and I’ll call you back.” beeeeep.
“Hey…its me…um, Im very worried about you…just please come home, you dont have to talk to me just..come home…bye…” you said and hung up your phone.

Ricky didnt end up comming home until seven in the morning, you couldnt sleep at all, you were waiting for him the entire night, and as he stepped in the room, not a word was spoken, the only type of contact the two of you made was eye contact, and that was very unpleasant.
You could see the anger in his eyes, the same eyes that use to look at you with so much love were now looking at you with so much hate, so it seemed.
He crawled into bed and just fell asleep, you sat there for a few more seconds shocked, it felt like your worse nightmare was slowly comming true. You laid down and fell asleep as well, but the difference between you and him was, you closed your eyes with a tear drop commimg out of them. But your heart still kept that little bit of hope, and you were willing to use that small piece of hope on your bumpy relationship.
The next morning was just like last night before you went to sleep, it was quiet, a little too quiet, the two of you were eating your breakfast. An extremely heavy and overwhelming tension can be felt in the air, it didnt feel good at all.
You wanted to speak, you were a little afriad but you finally built up the courage to do so.
Somebody had to,
“Ricky…” you called out, he continued to eat his food pretending as if he didnt hear you.

You felt your heart shatter a little but you shook it off and spoke a little louder.
“Ricky.”
He finally looked up at you, his expression looked irritated and very annoyed.
“What (Y/N)?”
“Look..Its clear that our relationship has been shitty.”
“Oh really? you dont say.”
“Stop it, Look I really hate it when we fight, weve been fighting too much even over the smallest thing and-”
He raised his hand up cutting you off,
“I hate fighting too (Y/N) but its a little hard not to do it when somebody starts it all the time.” he striked.
Your eyes widend a little, how dare he say that about you, you wanted to destroy him, you wanted to tell him off, but you knew damn well that would just cause another argument.
“Okay fine, I admit that I start some of them, not all, you have to take resposibility too, because the last time I checked, it takes two people to fight.”
“True but the last time I checked, it takes only person to start it all.” he striked once more.
You banged the table and frustratedly ran your fingers through your hair, but once again you swallowed your pride and said,
“Im sorry…”
His expression became surprised, he never thought he would hear you saying those words.
“What?”
“I said Im sorry, Im sorry for pissing you off
so much…”
“Um wow…its alright.”
You came closer to him and took his pale
hands into yours, “Listen Ricky, I really want us to fix our relationship, its not getting any better but I know we can fix it cause if it continues like this then…” you couldnt finish, your voice became shakey towards the end.

He understood and held your hands as well, “I know I get you (Y/N), I want us to fix our relationship too, listen why dont you and I go out on a date tonight? its been a really long time since we did that.” he suggested.
Your face lit up a little, even a small smile began to form, “Really? you mean that?”
“Yes of course I mean it.”
You smiled even bigger and so did he, felt like years had passed since you saw that loving smile, felt like centuries has passed since you felt his hands holding yours, you couldnt wait to feel his arms holding you next, and after that, his lips upon yours.
Later on that night you picked the hottest outfit you could find in your closet.
A black glittery top, a choker, leather jacket, pants and red heels, followed by on point makeup and hair.
You stepped inside the living room where your man was waiting for you.
As soon as he caught sight of you he was really amazed at your beauty, you looked gorgeous.
“Wow, you look amazing.”
“Thank you so do you.”
“Shall we get going?” he asked.
“We shall.”

The date night was going so well for the two of you, you shared laughs for the first time in a while, good and deep conversations, and even gazes at each other, everything was good until now.
It all started when the bill came for the stuff you two ordered, In Ricky’s mind it was way too high, and he was causing a huge scene about it arguing with the waitor. People sitting in the other tables were staring and whispering, you felt completely embarrased, your head was down and your hand was covering your face.
“This cannot be the right price! now fix it!”
“Sir there is nothing I can do Im sorry.”
“Oh for the love of God!” you exclaimed, grabbing money out of your purse and giving it to the waitor, “Here you go, now lets go Ricky!”
“(Y/N)!-”
“I said lets go!!” you yelled pulling him out of the restaraunt.
As you were walking to the car Ricky stopped you and made you look at him.
“(Y/N) what the hell was that all about?! How could embarras me like that?!”
“Embarras YOU?! You were being ridiculous in there! everybody was staring at us like we were maniacs!”
“I was handling it!!!”
“You call that handling it?!!”
“Oh you call what you did handling it?!!!”
“Atleast I did it better than you!!”
“Screw you (Y/N)!!!” he shouted.

Those were the same words you heard last night, the same words that reminded you that this wasnt going to get better, it was just going to get worse.
“I knew it…I knew this night wasnt going to make things better…My God and to think I still had hope for the two of us..but now I see that there isnt any…”
His eyes widend, he didnt like where you were going with this, he hesitated to ask but he knew he had to.
“What are you saying?….”
You began to cry once again, you didnt want to say it but it had to be said, you had no choice.
“Its not going to work Ricky…its over…we’re done.”
You became a little surprised to see that he hasnt said anything, but his watery eyes did all the talking for him.
“You dont mean that..”
“Look at us!!! this is all we do!! its not gonna get better its only going to get worse!!…and I cant take it anymore…goodbye Ricky…” you cried and walked away. He just stood there frozen, his whole world was officially over.
“(Y/N)?….(Y/N)….(Y/N)!!!!!….no….”

A lot of months had passed since that heartbreaking night. You were now living with your best friend, and it was perfect because she was living by herself and she had always wanted a roommate.
“How are you?” she asked as she saw you staring out the window, something you had been doing since youve moved in.
“Oh um…Im fine…”
She laughed a little and shook her head, “No youre not, you miss him dont you?”
“Yeah well why do I miss him? I mean all we would did was fight! Breaking up was for the best!…right?…”
“No, Ive seen how Ricky put a huge smile on your face, he was your true love (Y/N), thats why you miss him, and Im not gonna let you sit here and be heartbroken anymore, Im taking you to go see him.”
You looked at her outraged, “No, Im not gonna go see him.”
“You know you want to, stop lying to yourself. Now come on I’ll drive you.” she assured you.
“What if he moved on already? then what?”
“He hasnt trust me.”
“How do you know that?” you questioned.
“Because I know for a fact that he is still in love with you just as much as you are….”

It took a lot of convincing but you finally agreed to go see him.
As you were on your way there you heart was beating against your chest really hard.
You havent spoken to Ricky since the night of the breakup, even though he blew up your phone with text messages and calls, you didnt answer or return a single one up until now.
“We’re here.” said your bestie snapping you back into reality.
“I still dont know about this…”
“Just go (Y/N)…”
You nodded and stepped out of the car, taking steps towards the front door. It felt strange seeing the old house again, as you reached it your breathed a little heavily.
You looked back at your gal pal, and she waved her hand encouraging you to knock on the door.
You took a deep breath and knocked three times very quickly, as you stood there and waited for him to open, you figured what was the point? you backed out, you couldnt do it.
You started walking back towards the car,
“(Y/N) what are you doing?!”
“I cant fucking do it!!”
“Yes you can go back!!”
“No I cant!”
“(Y/N)?…” you heard a familiar male voice say.

You froze, you felt like you couldnt move even if you wanted to.
“(Y/N)…” he said in a softer and sweeter tone.
Slowly you turned around and stared and at him, he looked even more handsome than before, and you could tell he was thinking the exact same thing about you.
“Hey..” he greeted, very happy to see you.
You started crying, but this time they were tears of happiness, you couldnt take it anymore, you needed to be in his arms right now.
“Hi!” you yelled, running up to him and hugging the hell out of him.
His arms hugged you tightly as well, lifting you up off the ground, crying tears of happiness just like you were.
Your friend was smiling at the two of you from inside the car, she giggled and shook her head saying only three obvious words..
“I knew it.”

I just wanted to share my discovery of fanart.tv with those who may not have explored it yet. Basically, you can type in the title of pretty much any movie or TV show and be presented with all the components that make up that media’s promo material - isolated separately! That means no more trying to smudge and clone text off of movie posters, no more trying to carefully cut out logos, and my mascot PNG count went from four to about thirty because they have plenty of those there too. This would be a great bookmark for about a billion reasons. The more you know!

1/25/2016 Today the Blue Haired Girlfriend hung out with this mystery salamander. It is the second time she has gotten to chill out with this species of salamander, but I’ve never seen one. They only show up when I’m not at home.

I’m reasonably sure they’re planning to replace me with about four hundred and thirty salamanders in a poorly fitted human costume.

word on the street is that LAUREN COHAN has made it to los angeles. don’t you know about the THIRTY FOUR year old ACTRESS ? well in case you didn’t, SHE has been around the town finding her place in the city of fallen angels — Casey & est

welcome to hollywood, lauren !!please have your account in within 24 hours !!