I suppose this is the introduction post that tells you if you are going to like my blog or not. I suppose I should let you know what I’m going to be doing, what you should expect, and add inspiring photos. I have no idea what I’m doing with anything. I’m the type of mortal who jumps into any situation with what I think is best. Usually not the best idea, however sometimes it works out. I know, I’m shocked too! Here’s a list of 5 WOWBK:

I don’t believe in humans. I believe everyone is some kind of creature we all wear this armor as we try to find someone or some place where we can let our true form out.

When I was in elementary school I would flip through those teeny bopper magazines while wishing I was interviewed so I could tell the world useless information about myself. My favorite colors are black and red.

I live my life hoping to make others laugh. Laughing with me or at me, I just get energy off of laughter. Sometimes no one laughs at my jokes, I’m not too worried though, since I’m the only one laughing most of the time.

Resting Bitch Face (RBF) is a powerful facial feature some mortals have. My powerful facial feature is that I derp naturally. After derpin’ most of my life I find it difficult to make a non derp face. People did warned as a child, “Don’t make that face or it will get stuck!” However that was the wrong string of words to tell me because I began making more and more derp faces hoping one day my face would get stuck. It has. I don’t regret it.

I’ve been called Tina Belcher in real life. Not because I look like a cartoon character, but because I’m incredibly awkward.

As for photos, all photos are inspiring if you believe enough.
~SirChangeling (When I’m called Sir I feel like I’m in a castle)

There has been so much that has happened since I last posted. Where to start? I made a new friend, (it’s very exciting) I played Sex Trivia with a group of friends at a lounge/bar. Our team name: Puss ‘n Boobs. We won 2 rounds, I was known as Cosmo Girl, because I read Cosmopolitan magazine and thus knew some of the answers to the questions. The pros of subscribing to a magazine for comedic relief.

I told my therapist that I’m no longer afraid of the feeling to be happy, because of the fear something bad will happen after. I told her how I don’t think I believe that anymore. But of course the next day after I say this I jinxed it. My sister is coming back home. I’m not excited, I’m not pleased, I feel as though life just bitch slapped me back into a hole. I just wanted the hole to swallow me, burying me into nothing. But then I remembered how horrible that feeling is, so of course I’ve been mentally fighting myself. A huge part of me wants my sister dead, a tiny part of me knows that my feelings will crush birth giver. The guilt of my very real feelings are eating me alive, I’ve had to take anxiety reducer tablets at night just so I can go to sleep. Last night I woke up covered in sweat because of how bad a nightmare was. (I haven’t had nightmares in awhile because of my sleep machine thing. I named it Babar and Russell.) Birth Giver told me how my sister has grown in the past 2 years as well as myself…I still farted throughout the day in the room she will be moving into. I specifically went into the room to fart.

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I’ll post a better thing another day. I just needed to post this.

~SirChangeling

P.S. My new friend and I have so much in common, we both don’t have souls. I sold mine to Satan, and he’s a Ginger.

Appelsin is such a buttface. I was trying peacefully look at Harry Potter fan theories and memes, when this little, clawed, fuzzy, ninja, indoor panther decides to attack my laptop from the bottom. I’m sitting on the couch with my right foot firmly on the floor, and my left foot crossed over onto my right knee, thus creating a small table for my laptop. The small space between my thunder thighs is just open enough so Appelsin can jump up and attack. So when I lift my laptop up, there is a small little kitten face staring at me. I can’t help but laugh because there is a pussy in between my legs.

I fucking hate the holidays. I keep asking Birth Giver if we can just cancel xmas. I’m not religious so I don’t give a shit about a “virgin” giving birth to some spawn of a god. Xmas always meant receiving presents, spending so much on gifts for others, and counting down the days until January 1st. I always feel like such a fucking brat on xmas, because I have my list and when I don’t get what I put on my list I feel horrible. Sometimes I have moments when I receive something I didn’t ask for, and am in awe of it. But that doesn’t happen too much.

I remember one year Birth Giver gave me this knitting circle thing. I guess I made such a face when I opened it. Birth Giver asked if I liked it, I responded “no” because I was told lying is bad. Apparently I wasn’t suppose to tell the truth either? The fucking asshat (abuser) started yelling at me saying I wasn’t suppose to tell Birth Giver that I didn’t like the gift she picked out for me. I don’t remember the year but it was at least 12 years ago. I still feel like it was recently. This is what the holidays do to me, bring up so much horrible memories. I hate decorating the house for the holidays I find it such a waste of time, plus I noticed that my anxiety skyrockets when I focus on the decorations. This past week I’ve had difficulty breathing when I was upstairs by the xmas tree. I don’t want there to be a reason for me to give gifts to those I care about, I rather give them as just because moments, or I saw this and thought of you moments.

I’m getting worked up again, but I needed to let out my thoughts. Appelsin is squeaky breathing, she’s not asleep, but breathing heavily enough that the air coming out of her snoot makes little squeaks. She’s now curled up in Orey’s bed. Stereotypical kitty. Orey is asleep on one of Birth Giver’s tote bags. He’s definitely a mama’s boy. My tea is delicious, so that helps my emotions, I guess.

On a slightly separate topic, how did the phrase “monsters under the bed” come to be socially acceptable? I never feared monsters under my bed, when I was young I would crawl under my bed to escape the monsters. As I grew, I couldn’t fit under my bed. Stupid Trisomy X Syndrome. When I would switch to different beds I couldn’t fit under those either, I would try hiding between my bed and the wall, but nothing seemed to protect me. I tried hiding in the closet too, but that would mean I would have to clean out all the shit I put in there when I was told to clean my room. When my parents divorced, I think I was the only one who was very excited over it. For years I would wish for them to get a divorce, I was terrified of the fucking asshat who claimed to be my father. I still don’t trust fatherly figures, yes I understand not all men are fucking asshats to their offspring, but there are some that are, and they terrify me. I guess I’m always on edge when I’m around young children because I get flashbacks of when I was a young tater tot and had to find ways to protect myself. (My eyes aren’t watering, yours are.)

When I’m with friends who have offspring, I desperately try to push away my memories and be in present moment. It’s difficult, so I guess that’s why I don’t go out in public a lot?

I’ve been wanting to write this post for awhile, get it out of my head. I took a lot of motivation for me to do so, I’m glad I finally did get it out, perhaps some of the nightmares will leave my head too?

October has come and gone, because that’s just how time works. For Halloween this year, I was a repeat costume: white person in an informercial. It totally counts! …yes I drop things all year round, but on Halloween I get to really go for it. Potato Manor gave out glow sticks because we were the cool house of the neighborhood. The pack of glow sticks came with wands, glasses, headbands, bracelets, necklaces, rings, earrings….I think that was it? Ever since last year when my anxiety convinced me I was allergic to dairy, I realized that giving out toys is a much better idea than candy. When I was a young tot going trick or treating, one house gave coupins for bowling! I wonder if that is where my love of coupins came from?

Science Lesbian visited me for a couple days, it was amazing. Stranger Danger even visited too! So 2 out of my 3 close friends were in the same room with me at once! It was a comforting moment, that I unfortunately don’t get to experience often.

WOWBK: Words of Wisdom by Keely has been alive for 2 years! Well this blog anyway. I came up with the phrase WOWBK in 2013, I’ve been giving words of wisdom ever since I could speak.

Despite the constant nightmares of working on register, I think I have found a way to fight back. Well I hope so anyway. I see it as confronting my fears, but with an edible twist of humor, because that’s how I roll. Science Lesbian and I made a cake, not just any cake, a kitty litter cake. It was disgustingly fabulous. The cake was then delivered to my former job with a note attached saying “Remember when I had to work on register, despite having panic attacks? No hard feelings.”

I’m very proud of my swirly poop. The scoop was new, hence why the sticker was kept on as proof. Last time Science Lesbian visited, we made a boob gayke. Each time she visits we’re going to bake interesting cakes. It is decided! I’ll start a Pinterest board. Our lovely Litter Box was made of chocolate cake with almond buttercream, topped with crushed nilla wafers mixed with powdered sugar, then only the best poop shaped tootsie rolls. Such art!!!

The best time to deliver a kitty litter cake is when the health inspector is at the restaurant, followed by a bus. Timing is everything!

~SirChangeling

P.S. There was a pamphlet in Potato Manor’s door when I arrived home. A church was telling us to join. I told Birth Giver, “should I show up in my horns, asking if they accept friends of Satan?” Birth Giver did not reply….then again I was walking downstairs away from her as I was talking…

I’ve put off writing a blog post long enough, I had legit reasons for why, no motivation, depression increasing, extreme exhaustion, wrist pain, Appelsin sitting on me asleep and purring. I mean that last one I thought that I would never be able to move. Once a kitty lays down on you, you’re pretty much stuck in that position until they get up and leave. As the chosen bed for the world leader you can not get up. Just accept your fate and be proud. Appelsin is sitting next to me as I type this up. Orey is on my shoulder laying on the back of the couch looking out the window…he was there first, then I sat down so of course he had to lean onto my shoulder for support. He’s tubby, which may or may not be my fault, I give him treats because he gives me *those* faces. When I don’t give him a treat, I avoid his eyes, he follows me, continuing to stare at me until I cave. I end up going downstairs where he can’t follow me. We have an understanding, which is why his nickname is Tubby.

Orey just moved to the other side of the couch, I think he can read, he didn’t like the Tubby comment.

I believe it was last month I had this great idea to write a blog post, but I never did. So I’ll write it now.

To set the scene I dropped out of college in the fall of 2012, I lasted 2 years and a week and a half at Colby-Sawyer College. I’m surprised I lasted as long as I did honestly, I had lots of difficulty, not just with the work, but also my mental health. Campus Security was called on me at least twice. One time was because I cut myself with scissors, I didn’t have any plastic knives near me, which was my go to choice, because I couldn’t bring myself to use metal. A former friend called the heath center on me. Another time was because I turned my phone off so Birth Giver ended up calling Campus Security on me, having Campus Security knock on my dorm room was incredibly embarrassing, how I lasted another year was beyond me. This all happened my Freshman year.

I tried really hard in college, a lot of it I didn’t understand. When I would go to the tutoring place I didn’t ask more questions when I should have because I felt guilty for still not understanding the material after it was explained a bunch of times already. I liked some of my classes, but the material didn’t stick in my head. So when the exams came around I would always draw a blank on the answers.

I loved hanging out with my friends, and being in the clubs, I remember I told an upperclassman that I felt like I was at a summer camp the first week. I was having fun, perhaps I’m really good at pretending everything is okay when really it’s not? My Soul Mate in Friend Form was the first one to tell me how college isn’t for everyone. She was there for me during my multiple break downs, particularly one in the library. It was finals and I had waited till the last week because of course I did. I was in the basement of the library trying very hard to hold in a massive panic attack. This was Sophomore year.

I left during Junior year a week and half in, I already missed 2 days worth of classes, I couldn’t leave my room. My depression was getting worse by the minute. I felt extremely guilty being on my friend’s “Worst Roommates List” she hadn’t said anything to me about this, but I just knew I was on there. Plus my grandmother went to Colby-Sawyer College, she was so proud of me getting accepted that I didn’t want to leave or disappoint her. So I continued to suffer because I didn’t want to be the family disappointment.

When I got home I deleted so many college friends off of my Facebook. I was so ashamed for having to leave due to my mental health that I didn’t want to burden my friends. It’s been 5 years since I dropped out. I’m proud of my friends who have graduated, I’m upset that I burned those bridges with some friends, I can’t just “add friend” to a bunch of them because that’s just how I am as a Potato.

For a while whenever my depression and surprise bag of mental illness started to increase (usually around August) I would delete friends off of Facebook because of the fear, embarrassment, guilt, all around depression of not wanting to be a burden to everyone. Then in the Spring I would add them back, or try to. I would also just give up on the adding back, because of the thought of how obnoxious it must be to be deleted then added back.

There was another topic I wanted to do, but I forget what it was, plus this topic took a lot out of me, but it also feels powerful to finally let it out. As I was writing this post outside my window was moving day for a family of squirrels. I watched as Momma squirrel carried at least 3 baby squirrels out of a tree hole, one by one, moving them to another tree out of view from the window. I grabbed some photos and a video.

July was a blur, on the 21st Birth Giver and I went to the Great Escape in Lake George, NY. She won free tickets so of course I took the day off from work, to go to an amusement park. The last time I remember going to an amusement park such as the Great Escape was in the 6th grade. I had to get over my fear of automatic flushing toilets, it was either that or pee myself, which in 6th grade is good enough reason to move states. However seeing as that wasn’t an option, plus my bladder was going to explode on me, I had to sit on the toilet and hope I wouldn’t get flushed away when the toilet automatically flushed. Obviously I didn’t get flushed down.

Facebook told me it’s SMIFF’s birthday, like I’m some kind of peasant who doesn’t know the anniversary of when my Soul Mate In Friend Form graced Earth with her presence. She’s 102 according to her Facebook settings. She’s a burger throwing badass so don’t mess with her. (Haha she’ll love that sentence)

I got a kitten in May, I didn’t write a post about her because every time I would ask if she was ready to be exploited on my blog she mewed and ran off. I took that as a “not yet.” We bonded the moment I held her in the store. She fit in my shirt pocket and snuggled into one of my chest pillows. She was still too tiny so I couldn’t bring her home that day, I told her to eat lots, so she’ll be big enough that I can bring her home. As soon as I put her back in the play pen she went right for her food dish.

She hasn’t left my side since the day Birth Giver brought her home to me. She was my 25th birthday present, I don’t think anyone can beat her for the best gift…just saying! I named her Appelsin, which means “orange” (as in the fruit) in Danish. I named my mostly black kitty orange. I was looking for an orange tabby, but when I met Appelsin, we both connected instantly. I’ve had really good luck with black animals in the past. Boobsie is a tuxedo kitty, Orey is black and white, Winnie was black with white markings, and now Appelsin who is all black with a tiny white spot on her chest as well as her belly. I like booping her white spot on her belly….my battle wounds are worth it.

My Instagram @changelingderp has pictures of Appelsin. I love the tag #appelsin on Instagram. Pictures and videos of fruit with sprinkles of pictures and videos of a little black kitty.

My depression has been on the lower side lately, but I’ve been trying to stay positive. Doctor visits, therapy, as well as snuggles with Boobsie and Appelsin are helping.

I wanted to make an update blog post so I didn’t continue feeling bad about myself. I changed the layout, which is pretty much equivalent to making 5 new posts.

As summer is ending, I’m very excited to see all the back-to-school merchandise out. I absolutely hated school, but I loved seeing all the new, cute stationery in stores. Now that I’m not in school, I can soak in the love of cute stationery without the fear of going back to school. I’m not a supporter of telling kids to stay in school, I wanted to drop out in elementary school. That didn’t happen, so I waited for middle school, it didn’t happen. High school was the breaking point, I have no idea how I survived high school. College was fun until I realized that I had to do work…I just wanted to go to the clubs, meet new friends, and buy cute stationery. By clubs I mean anime club, not clubs as in alcohol, skimpy clothing, with loud techno.

Last week I decided to contact Shopping Cart, I was thinking about contacting him for awhile, mainly I wanted to hear why he didn’t do anything the night I was molested by his friend as he watched from a couple feet away. I was mentally ready to hear his side. His response: “Nothing happened. You were not molested or sexually assaulted. He put his arm around you. We had some drinks, he smoked, then he left.” Shopping Cart truly believes that nothing happened that night, he’s not in denial, he’s just a shitty human who doesn’t see women as humans, but more of objects. He tried to pimp me out that night, I ended up breaking down crying in the parking lot once I was able to get away. That was pretty much the breaking point for me, however I still wanted to please Shopping Cart, he was very manipulative, whereas I being gullible hung on to his every word.

When he moved to Florida a month later I was at rock bottom of my mental state, I had been off my medication (he convinced me I should go off my meds, because I “didn’t need them, it’s all in my head”) I was fighting with inner demons to get out of the ditch I had closed myself into. I had put so many walls up, which ended up crumbling down within minutes of hearing loud noises. I had so many nightmares about that night of June 12, 2014, I blamed myself for so long, it was obviously my fault, right? I was the one who trusted Shopping Cart, I was the one who went along with the wild side of living life on the edge. No matter how many humans told me it wasn’t my fault, I couldn’t believe them. It took months upon months for me to realize that it wasn’t. my. fault. I didn’t do anything wrong. I said “NO!” Multiple times!

I mentioned to SMIFF that I contacted Shopping Cart again, I told her I wanted to see who he was with fresh eyes so to speak, I saw him for who he was, rather than this perfect human my mind kept trying to tell me. I told Birth Giver that I contacted Shopping Cart, her response was “why would you do that to yourself?” It wasn’t exactly the response I was hoping for. However when I told my therapist she agreed that it was a great personal growth for me. Yes, that was the response I was looking for.

Being able to talk to him on the phone, then over messenger video helped me so much, I questioned my past, but also realized how much I changed. Now I would never talk to someone who acts or thinks the way he does. My nightmares of him are gone.

The next day after talking to him, my past self popped back up telling my present self that I should give him another chance:

Past Potato: He was gentle with you during the hookups…
Now Potato: He always had to be drunk first though.
Past Potato: He took you to the bars downtown!
Now Potato: Yeah I had to walk a mile or so to get to his apartment, in the dark only to find out that he had already started drinking, so basically I had gotten into his car while he was shit faced way too many times.
Past Potato: But-
Now Potato: Shut the fuck up, I’m doing great at the moment, I’m working at a job that I love, I scored in the top 3 of CKA taking ServSafe, despite having a concussion! I picked myself up wanting, needing to get better so I can stop being so scared to leave Potato Manor. I am not going to go back to Shopping Cart with his shitty hand drawn tattoos, he doesn’t believe that I was molested! He gave me so much PTSD, I get nervous when I’m around too much alcohol!

It was a loud debate inside my mind, but Past Potato shut the fuck up.

Science Lesbian messaged me about how there was this human guy who had brain surgery, which made him hear things differently. So some human would tell him something and be would hear something completely different. Science Lesbian thought of me and my auditory processing issues. Which totes makes sense. Then we talked about how sitting “like a lady” is obnoxious!

That is a not-sitting-like-a-lady-saurus.

Then I mentioned how sitting “criss cross applesauce” is so much more comfortable than sitting with your legs forward.

Which brings me to the main subject of this post.

Me: For some reason every time I see Lady Gaga’s song “Applause” I think of applesauce.

Science Lesbian: I’m going to rewrite the lyrics.

Me: I read applause and think applesauce… So I was very confused why she’s singing about clapping for applesauce and SHE DOESN’T MENTION APPLES!!!????

Science Lesbian: sitting in the library rewriting applause to be about wanting applesauce I have a unique life.

THEN SCIENCE LESBIAN SENT ME THE LYRICS!!!!

I stand here waiting for you to make the sauce
To crash the chefs saying, “is it right or is it wrong?”
If only you had a seed, we could plant an apple tree
Thinking of all those apples, I found a field, put it in there
I live for the apples, apples, apples
I live for the apple-sauce, live for the apple-sauce
Live for the way that you cook and mash the fruit
The apples, apples, apples
Give me that thing that I love (Give me applesauce)
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce (Make me applesauce)
Give me that thing that I love (Give me applesauce)
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce (Make me applesauce)
(A-P-P-L-E SAUCE) Make it real good
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce
(A-P-P-L-E SAUCE) Make it real good
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce
I’ve overheard your theory
“Applesauce is for geeks”
I guess sir, if you say so
Some of us just like to eat
One second I have apples
Then suddenly it’s applesauce
Applesauce is an art
Now, there’s applesauce in me
I live for the apples, apples, apples
I live for the apple-sauce, live for the apple-sauce
Live for the way that you cook and mash the fruit
The apples, apples, apples
Give me that thing that I love (Give me applesauce)
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce (Make me applesauce)
Give me that thing that I love (Give me applesauce)
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce (Make me applesauce)
(A-P-P-L-E SAUCE) Make it real good
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce
(A-P-P-L-E SAUCE) Make it real good
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce
Ooh sauce, sauce ooh
Sauce, sauce now ooh ooh ooh ooh
I live for the apples, apples, apples
I live for the apple-sauce, live for the apple-sauce
Live for the way that you cook and mash the fruit
The apples, apples, apples
Give me that thing that I love (Give me applesauce)
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce (Make me applesauce)
Give me that thing that I love (Give me applesauce)
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce (Make me applesauce)
(A-P-P-L-E SAUCE) Make it real good
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce
(A-P-P-L-E SAUCE) Make it real good
Mash the fruits, make me sauce, sauce
A-P-P-L-E-S
If anyone could actually make this a cover that would be pretty amazing! Science Lesbian would die of laughter.

Since I’ve been forgetting to make great updates on my blog, (despite it being the home page for my internet…so I see it multiple times a day) I’ve decided to just post some of the noms I’ve been making.

Dog Cookies with Carob

BBQ Sauce

Potato Chips

Chocolate Fudge

White Chocolate Espresso Cake

‘Better Than Fries Potatoes’

Chicken Parmesan Bread Bowls

Sugar Cookies (Nibble out the hairstyle of your choice)

Peanut Butter Fudge

Box Mix cupcakes, with vanilla bean buttercreme

Whipped Cream on frozen fruit.

Momofuku Birthday Cake

Taco Stuffed Shells

Chocolate Whipped Cream on Chocolate cupcakes

I just had all 4 of my wisdom teeth taken out, so I’ll be out of it for the rest of the day. I recently adopted a kitten! So a post about my baby girl will be up soonish.

Me: So I googled cousin rivalry, since you think I have it with Lynn. There wasn’t anything in the definition that mentioned wanting to sacrifice cousins in order to bring back dead dogs. Therefore I highly doubt I have it. Research happened when I was waiting for my medication to be done. I was getting pissed off since I can’t sacrifice her to bring Bailey back.