Love is like a plant, it constantly needs to be watered in order for it to grow, and we tend to take our relationships for granted and not give it the extra care it needs. We get so involved in the business of life, our work, bringing up the kids, and the tasks of daily living, that we don’t allow the time for maintaining closeness. Unfortunately what happens is that people do have a tendency to grow apart over time. When we don’t pay attention to our relationship what happens is that our partner can fall out of love.

Often times in my office I hear, “I begged for some affection, and time together, but I was ignored. Now it’s too late.” People say these things because they feel: insulted, ignored, hurt and angry.

Barriers to “Falling Back Into Love”.

If your partner is unwilling or unable to work at getting back that loving feeling, it may be because they are too angry to consider opening themselves up to you again. Your partner is afraid that if they let their guard down or worse yet, fall back in love, you will take them for granted again. Deep down your partner doesn’t believe that you can change. They believe that they are being paid attention to because you are scared that they will leave you.

So the question is: “Is it too late to do something about your partner falling out of love with you”?

What Can Be Done About Your Partner Falling Out of Love With You?

Getting your partner to fall back in love with you is much more than saying “I’m sorry, I understand, I’m going to be different”. It is more than buying a new house, or going on a romantic vacation, or having a child. I mention this because these are the solutions that couples come up with every day (by the way, I see about 30 couples a week).

Are Sessions Done Individually or Jointly?

Sessions can be done jointly, or individually, or a combination of individual and joint meetings. Whether we start individually is dependant on two factors, the stage of deterioration of the relationship, and how you and your partner would like to begin. In a perfect world, I would meet with both people together, but life is not perfect, so we have to work with what we have and not try and force your partner into our mold of meeting jointly or individually.

The Biggest Mistake the “Out of Love” Partner Can Make

Though often times I see couples together, the biggest mistake that you can makes is when you wait for your partner to come for counseling. If the “out of love” partner is not ready, don’t wait for them (See article “What to Do When Only One Partner Wants to Come for Therapy”). If you wait for your partner to come for therapy the chances are that things will continue to get worse.

First Thing to Be Done: Gaining Insight

You have to take a long hard look at why your partner has “fallen out of love” with you… To understand this, I have developed a questionnaire, which quickly helps pinpoint what has happened.

Second Thing to Be Done: Showing your partner by actions that you “get it”.

The partner, who has lost the other’s love, has to demonstrate, not try to convince that partner that they “get it”. The partner who wants to win back their spouse has to continuously and patiently show by their behavior that they are making positive changes. During our work together you will learn based on my “Relationship Questionnaire”, what you need to do to be able to get the best chance to get her/ him to want to take the step to work on getting closer to each other. You have to make it clear that the changes are real and not just for show.

Third Thing to Be Done: Getting Your Partner to Feel Like They are Really Heard

The partner has to have a chance to vent and feel understood by you. You and your partner will learn how to: listen and talk to each other as well as constructive ways to deal with the anger that is felt. To this I have developed materials designed to help you know what to do and what not to do.

In Closing

Your partner has to feel that though I (Dr. Marty) am a marriage counselor and would like to help you come together, I am not trying to push them into a relationship against their will.

Summary:

What is necessary for people to fall back in love with each other
is: understanding about past mistakes, changed behavior, and development of positive communication.

One Last Positive Thought

People can change and love can be rediscovered. The key here is to recognize that you can never go back to the old relationship, nor should either person want to, but together we must create a new relationship that will be good for both of you and that will have safe guards for the future.

“Love is never having to say you’re sorry” – Love Story

“Love is finding out what’s wrong and fixing it and then a candlelight dinner wouldn’t hurt”. – Dr. Marty

If your partner has told you “they have fallen out of love with you”, don’t wait call now, every day counts.

27 comments

My fiancee and I have been together for 3 years now and it started off amazingly we were so in love and it was as if nothing could change that until one night I ruined everything forever and then from then on it’s been argument after argument mistake after mistake. I don’t know what to do I still love her so much it hurts to think I may loose her forever. She won’t listen to a word I say or even respond to me at all as if I’m a ghost. I dnt want it to be this way forever. And neither does she.

Dear Stehpan,
It is terrible when you can’t connect with someone you love. If you really love your fiancee you will sit down with a trained counselor and go over the specifics of the relationship. You must have been missing some basic cues she was sending out, to have a chance at discovering what those cues are you need a professional who can help you take a more in depth look at what has been going on between the two of you.

My wife and I have been together for 4 years, married for one. The problem is we’ve always argued, but since married and our first child things have intensified. Now she gets upset with me because I don’t want to be intimate with her. To be honest I’m not turned on anymore by her. The arguing has finally caught up and sometimes I feel as if I do not love her anymore. I feel like everything she says and does annoys me to the point when I see her I retreat away and don’t want to be around her. On another note I’m beginning to look more at other women more but I wasn’t raised as a cheater. What do you recommend? I NEED HELP!

Dear Mr. Professional,
Having a child can be a real challenge and can upset the delicate balance of a relationship. Don’t give up hope there are many things you can do, the key here is what you are willing to do .
In my blog on Jan 4, 2011 I began my first entry on a 4 part series on motivation, please take a look at it and consider doing the exercises, The most important starting point in your situation is your level of motivation.
I say in my first blog this week on Motivation on Tues. 01.03.11 “The first question to consider is: ‘How much would I like something to be different and how much are you willing to do things differently?'” Though there are answers to helping a relationship develop closeness, involves work. So if you are serious about wanting change, as a starter:
1. Read the four blogs in this series
2. Do the exercises suggested and
3. email your answers directly to me @: drmarty@comcast.net and I’ll make suggestions for your next step
Good luck – looking forward to hearing from you
Dr. Marty

Hello I have.been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years in the beginning We had our problems but for the last 2 and half years its been amazing I am currently on yaz birth control I have anxiety problems. One day I woke up and felt different I have no emotions.towards.my bf I started getting panick attacks thinking do I still love my boyfriend and I would cry and cry because its not that I want to feel this way I have a promise ring he gave.me and we talk about marriage I know I love him but the lack of emotion.is worrying me I don’t want to give up.I do have a lot of stress from.school as I am graduating from a university this quarter

Dr,
I woke up one morning questioning my relationship with my Boyfriend. He has been so good to me. I dont know why I have been questioning it but its driving me crazy. I dont want to lose this great man. He has been nothing but good to me. I am the one who has been causing most of the issues because we have been lacking communication. But we have been working on that. I told him about my feelings and now he questions if we will make it. Can someone just wake up and not be in love anymore?

Hi,
No we just don’t wake up one morning and fall out of love, it’s a process. Over time, resentments, disappointment, and hurt builds. We can learn
to “re-love our partner, but it takes work. Do give you a complete answer we need to know your relationship history and area of frustration, anger and disappointment.
Once we learn about what has happend between the two of you, we then can develop a strategy.

Because this is so complicated you need to talk with a therapist to determine the negative areas and then together with the counselor develop a strategy for relating to those areas.

I’ve been married to my husband for 16yrs, together for 20yrs. Just recently I’ve begun to notice that I’ve become resentful towards my husband as he does nothing by the weekend, holdin tight to our finances, won’t let me use the car unless I can explain with good reason as to why I need it for. I know I’ve done wrong & seem to be payin dearly for it, even our kids are paying for it. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place.Should I stay or should I go?!My heart in on the fence outside waiting for me to make up my mind.

Hi
This is a hard decision to make. Let’s start with have you talked to him about your growing resentment? Have a conversation with him and let’s see what he says.
Once we get some more information then we can figure out what to do next. My rule in this this situation is “When we don’t know what to do, get more information”.

My husband and I have been together 7 yrs , married for 4 yrs…
I have been questioning my feeling towards him lately. I don’t feel attracted to him and it’s breaking my heart. I love him into pieces…what should I do?

Hi,
First let’s find the areas of difficulty. Feel free to email me directly and I’ll send you a copy of my “Relationship Intake Form” and that might a good
first step to pinpointing areas to be worked on. Also in the near future I will be writting a series of blogs I call “The First Step You Should Take to Stop a Divorce”.

Dr. Marty,
I have been with my partner for 8 years. In January he told me had too many resentment for the way I had treated him and wanted to leave. I begged him to stay and that I would change. Its now 7 months later, and I have made significant changes. He told me he thinks its too late to forgive me, he doesn’t want to re open his heart to me. He said hes just too angry to be with me right now and has moved out. We are now separated and we barely at all. I want him to come home to me, should I just give him his space? Ask him to stay moved out, but attend counseling? Thanks.

hello, my Wife of almost 14yrs. has said I am no longer in love with you, and I want a divorce, I myself am so angry that this is happening to me, and it hurts really bad because of this, one reason that I can think of that this has contributed to this decision, is a depression I was going thru about 3yrs. ago, and because of this I was also obease, and hardly talked to her and anybody else, and as a result I have constantly pushed away her and others, this also includes my family as well, however since then I have changed, including losing alot of weight, we even went for counseling for a year, she stated that she saw no change in me, mostly communication wise, and because of this the damaged was done, and nothing that I can say or do will change her mind about us, I don’t feel I can’t let her go, some days I feel I still have hope for us, otherwise she has no hope for us, and has stated this many times, now I am looking to move-out, not by my choice, I can’t bare this feeling of being w/o her, I am & will feel almost completely lost w/o her as well, not sure what to do,? or should I just leave,? and never lose this soon fading Hope I have for us, I will not & can not seek another person & or partner in my life, this is due to my personal Faith based beliefs, and I feel I would be commiting adultery by doing so, I just don’t understand, last I knew we both agreed for Better or for Worse, I hope to hear from you soon Dr. Marty…

I’m afraid of losing the one I love dearly.
We dated for two years, then got engaged, and had a baby. My emotions went in an uproar after having our baby due to hormone changing and we started having more problems then regular. Well, my partner started getting secretive, and hiding stuff when we used to tell each other everything. I ended up finding out something I never thought I would and now neither of us trust each other. I am very hurt but I am forgiving, but it seems like my partner wants nothing to do with me nor says “I love you” back in front of anyone. I want nothing more than for us to get back to the way things were. I’m ready to be positive and grow old with my partner, but how do I get my partner to feel that way?

I have been married for 21 years and my husband just told me that he no longer wants anything to do withh me. He says he wants to do what ever he wants and that I have no right to ask anything about his whereabouts or what he is doing. He said he wants a divorce and that he does not love me anymore. When I ask what has happened he says he no longer wants me around. He is not willing to talk to me and dismisses any of my attempts to discuss anything. Is there any hope for us? I have been depressed now for over a year due to our daughter telling us she is gay. My husband blamed me for that and blames me for his feelings towards me. How can I fix this? Please help. I am so lost.

Hi Lydia,
I will be responding to your email and your concerns in my blogs in the next week. If you want to contact me before that to work on the issues together
feel free to give me a call at (732)246-8484 and we can arrange an in person or phone appointment.

Hello, I dated my wife for a year, then asked her to merry me, we got married a short wile later. We have one awsome son, who is my minime and I love him to the moon and back, my wife has had gambling issues for over a year and all the while i was warning her that her actions are having negative effects and that I wasnt going to tolerate it, then three months ago she went and lost a lot of money and i had enough. I told her I wanted her out and that i was not going to deal with this anymore, on top of all this, she was depressed when she was pregnant, depressed for another year and a half after that, always screaming and yelling, all my family and friends would ask me how i can put up with it. My major issue is that she is from brazil and if i divorce her she is going to take my son 4 thousand miles away from me. I am still with her, she wants to go to counsaling, and she wants to get right with me, but after three months, she has already returned to the casino, already started her yelling, not as much, but still to the point where I cant stand it. I care for her deaply but my mother had a similar problem of wasting all our money growing up, I am afraid I merried my mothers younger twin, and I dont have enough money to really do much, also I am afraid she would do something irrassional and dangoerus around my son. In this economy my income has schrunken drasticly and if it wasnt for my family I would most probably be living in a crap hole in the wall, just trying to eat. She says she wants to work out our problems, and she has even thrown some curveballs to get me thinking about her. But I am very scared because I am starting to have feelings for someone else and I am really in a nail biter. What say you?

We just celebrated our 35th anniversay together and high school sweetheart for 2 years beyond that. We did lots of things together, and enjoyed our time together, or I thought we did… I over heard him on the phone the night before our anniversay with what sounded like a little spat, he was mad at his girlfriend for meeting her husband somewhere…I of course confronted him with all of this and how long its been going on, he begged his way back home promising to give 175% and supposedly broke it off with her, things were ok for a couple of days, then he acted mad at me, pulled away from me, and overheard him mumbling, he hated this place….I immediately reminded him of the choice he had when we wanted to come home, could we save this, or if he was done, just tell me its over and for me to move on, he said later that night, he didnt say that because he knew I would kick him out and he had no where to go, but he did, he had already been staying with his mother… so I packed up all his belongings while he was at work and told him to get them in the morning, while I was at work, couldnt see myself living with all the lies and being treated like crap….I was the one giving 175 % and he wasnt showing it….sorry, I’m jumping around alot, he had felt sorry for her, bad marriage, they had lost their home, he felt sorry for her and wanted to help her, and thinks he fell in love, wants to still help me anyway, been bringing money for bills, wants me to still take care of everything, lawyer, NON CONTESTED on his part of course and wants all the things worth any money at all..leaving me with the home that has major problems, new sewer lines, bathroom issues and just over all, money and repairs I dont have….I am overwhelmed with emotions of my entire life being a lie, hes been back and forth, never stopped loving me, to he stopped loving me as a wife over a year ago…thats its not me, its him and he is sorry….so confused. He has also been having some issues with our sex life for some time now, but I would tell him its ok, we would just try again, even bought toys to help…the last time we tried, he said Im sorry, but at least I fixed the faucet for you….my heart breaks…now since I caught him, he confessed meeting and kissing and planning a life with this other woman……. REALLY!!! I told him I refused to let him hurt me for another second…but its killing me, I just want to die and get rid of this pain. Please help me

I know it must hurt in a way that goes beyond words. As you are ready and feel strong enough, let me know and I’ll make a suggestion as to what to do next. The first step is gathering your strength and taking care of yourself. Once you have regrouped, I’ll make suggestions about what to do next.

Dr. Tashman, I have great minutes and horrible minutes, I am trying to make more of the great ones, and in a little bit, I am rock bottom again, I would appreciate any kind of advice or suggestions, I have reached out to God for his help in moving forward and have dear family and friends trying to help me, I just keep wondering was my whole life a lie?? I do have a wonderful son from our marriage and I thank god for that..Yesterday was another of many rock bottom days…I would like to stop discesting and pondering on everything and move on. Can you help me? I look forward to your reply.

The pain of losing a love and a love one is beyond anyones understanding unless they have gone through it. From your comment it seems as though
you need help to get through each moment let alone each day. There are four things you can do to get help:
1. Talk to friends and or family so they can be there to get you through this.
2. Ask a medical doctor if medication for the depression would be appropriate
3. Join a self help group where others are in the same situation that you are.
4. Seek on going counseling – feel free to contact me (732)246-8484 for more details on this option. There is no charge for a phone call.

Please let me know what you think of my suggestions and how you are doing
Take care,
Dr. Marty