Friday, June 17, 2011

Dearest friends, I bid thee well met! Once again, it is I, the Duke of DVD, stepping from the shadows to whisper dark mutterings in your ear. Imagine your surprise as the whisper is instead a shout, for today we once again must needs hide our loved ones in darkened cellars, we must chain our livestock to wooden beams drove deep into the bedrock and then carved with a myriad of glyphs, for today is the BIRTHDAY OF THE VICAR OF VHS!

Old gypsies fork their fingers at the air as their tongues turn black in their mouths. Lambs are born with two heads, or no head at all. Mother's milk curdles in sagging teats as infants' eyes bulge black, their cries muffled as their mothers smother them to spare them this torturous day. Goats fornicate with old men, who giggle blindly through fallow fields, the air smokey from corpse-fires. Wolves, driven mad by hunger and their own still-born youth, rove in huge packs, killing wantonly as druids cavort among them, awaiting their turn to have their throats torn out. Young maidens cast themselves off high cliffs, despondent over the fact that the Vicar rogered only one thousand and three of their number before passing out in a drunken heap. Truly this is a day for celebration and despair, in equal measure!

Some facts about the Vicar:
- The Vicar can produce volumous belches lasting over 2 full minutes from a single flagon of wine.
- The Vicar's favorite meal consists of 4 whole roasted oxen, braised in Argentinian honey, a heaped bowl of swan tongues, 47 marshmallow Peeps(tm), a 5 lbs. rasher of bacon, 10 trenchers of blood pudding, and a whole keg of Father Malamut's Roaring Cunt beer.
- The Vicar once braved the harshest conditions on earth in order to deflower a virgin atop Mt. Everest.
- The Vicar likes to dress in a fat suit and pose as a Jehovah's Witness from time to time, only he mumbles through his spiel drunkenly and steals people's ashtrays.
-The Vicar has an insanely large ashtray collection hidden somewhere in a large underground cavern beneath his estates.

Finally, I present to you a 14th century wood-cut of the Vicar. It is believed to be the earliest representation of the Vicar, who it is rumored had the artist drawn and quartered while his family watched.