Thursday, 17 November 2016

My Identity crisis!

Hi,

So this post is a bit of a personal one. If you're not into these, then click away now. I've been writing this for quite a while but always seem to fail at posting it. I thought it would be an interesting read as it will also allow you to get to know me a bit more. So here goes...

I remember feeling it when I got my first car and when I started my first proper full time job as a primary school teacher. I was driving and had a full time job. I felt very grown up all of a sudden. I then felt it again when I got married. But I definitely felt it the most after having kids.

If you read my blog you will know by now that I am a mum of two beautiful little girls. My eldest is nearly three and a half and youngest nearly two. I got married at 22 and became a mum at 24. This was such a blessing, but also, as you can imagine, really hard! I was so unprepared and didn't really know the depth of responsibility that motherhood would actually bring. I've documented parts of my mummy journey in blogposts such as, Welcome to motherhood, Breastfeeding 101 and To my girls on their 1st Birthday, in the hope of passing on some of my experiences.

The first few months of motherhood are a mixture of bliss and chaos. Bliss because of the miracle that has just happened and chaos because you don't know what is hitting you from all angles, be it breast milk, poo, crying, worry. It's like a battlefield. However, I found that once I started to get a handle on all of this (only around the nine month mark) I still couldn't shake the feeling - this thought that I had through all those major milestones. I knew I was doing everything I could to keep my baby safe, happy and healthy, but it just kept going through my mind... 'who am I?'. I was having an identity crisis.

I didn't think at the age of 24/25 I would be having what felt like a mid-life crisis. Am I just a mum? Am I still that person who loves to read, who loves to go to the cinema, who loves to go out with her friends? How could I hold on to all those things that defined me, when I never get the chance to do the things I love anymore!?

I had this new role that had been thrust upon me and, for the past nine months, that is all I had been. A mum. Nothing else. Was this all I was now? A mum. I kept repeating it to myself and felt a little guilty that I wasn't satisfied at being this and only this. Of course it felt amazing to be somebody's mum. To feel that unconditional love. To look into your baby's eyes and feel an overwhelming sense of love and comfort. But I needed to remember who I was before that, so I decided to get a little bit of my own self back - not just for my health, but for my baby too! By doing things like going out with my friends, going for date night with the hubby, things started to seem normal for a little while... and then baby number 2 came along!

Once again, after the initial few months of craziness, I again found myself feeling a little bit lost and confused. So again I tried doing all the things I used to love, but I wanted more. This is where my lovely blog comes in! I started this blog as something to do for myself and a hobby I could enjoy, and it really has turned into something I'm proud to say I do for me, even though I do have the odd natter about the kids. I write to express my love for the things that interest me most and to pass on any knowledge I have on motherhood, so people know they are not alone. One thing I absolutely love about blogging is the freedom and creativity it allows me to have! This is my own little space. It's a little bit like when buying your own first home. You finally have the freedom to do whatever you want and it's great.

So this was my identity crisis, but I am happy to say I am defined by many labels. Wife, Mother, Sister, Daughter, Friend, Teacher, Blogger, Make-up Artist. All labels I love.

Have you ever had an identity crisis? Do you ever wonder who you are? I would love to hear any of your thoughts below.

18 comments

Hey Amina. Your blog is lovely. So nice to read that you also started a blog so you could have a creative outlet and celebrate things you enjoy. We all need a bit of that. How cool you're a make up artist. That's another creative talent. Loved your post on the identity crisis. It's a tough one and they come and go during our lives. We have so many roles but somehow we manage to juggle them all. x

Amina, I absolutely love love this post - I'm so happy that things have worked out for you & you're finding out who you are now. I personally think it's completely natural - life isn't about 'being yourself', it's about finding yourself & we'll always be doing that & finding out new things about ourselves, even though it might sound a little weird to say that. I've just turned 20 & for the last few years I've had so many moments where I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do and what I genuinely enjoy doing - no matter at what age, there'll always be things you find out about yourself, as I said before.Your babies are soooo cute bless them! I wish you all the best with your blog & just keep it up :D xxx

Thank you! I totally agree with this. Such wise words. It's totally a journey where we learn as we go and I'm sure I've got a lot more to go through yet. They are little cuties but can be complete terrors too! ;o)

I can relate! I had my son in 2014 and I was 31 when I had him and it was exactly like you mentioned especially in the beginning. Great but it brought on all these feelings! I'm glad we have things to keep us who we are- keep our identities in tact! I started blogging this year and have never looked back- it's been such a great creative outlet. Thanks so much for this post!! Keep being a great mom and take care of you! XX Jen Beautylifemom.com

This was a lovely read Amina! Your blog allows you to be creative with your thoughts and it's almost like a sound board. Everyone needs to a place to express how they feel - and yours is certainly this! You do have multiple labels - being a Mum, a MUA, teacher, wife. Embrace it! You've achieved a lot in a short space of time xxx

Oh this was such an interesting read. It's so hard sometimes to work out who we are - particularly after having children - we almost forget that we are anything else other than a mother - that role takes over fully in the beginning and then after a while you start to crave the other parts of who you are. Love the fact that you're a make-up artist and now a blogger - creativity is such a wonderful thing for the soul! #ablogginggoodtime

Thanks for your comment. I don't think I realised quite how much I thrive off creativity! I am a part time primary school teacher, which can be very creative and then freelance as an MUA and blog. All very creative things! Your right about the cravings for the other parts of me. It took a while of getting used to. X

OH god yes! I think I'm in the middle of one now... I can identify with a lot that you said and also feel like you that blogging has given me a way to get some of me back to have my space. Keep writing hun, it helps! Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime 🎉

I'm not sure if I've had a few instances of identity crisis or one prolonged experience. I went to music college (the music performance equivalent of uni), but became to ill to become the professional player that I had trained to me.

My husband & I have started trying for a baby & I've been wondering whether I'll feel like this as I get used to motherhood. I've been trying to put things in place already to reduce this & it's been great to read your experience & know that, even if it does happen, it won't be a permanent feeling. Xx

Do you still play music even if it isn't professionally and it is still a part of you? I think some things are always a part of our identity even though they come and go if you know what I mean. I'm so excited for you that you are trying for a baby. Hopefully it'll be a magical experience for you! Xx

Amina, this was a really nice post to read. I do not have children myself yet but I can only imagine the many stresses which motherhood will bring upon us as women and I cannot wait for the day. It's nice to see you are doing things which make you feel yourself and yes, you are so much more then just a mum but rather an amazing woman!

Wow, thank you Shannon! That's so nice of you to say. I really appreciate it! Although being a mum brings it's stresses, there are so many rewards it brings too and I'm happy to hear you are looking forward to it! X

Omg this is me!!! I was the same, mum of two girls I started blogging in September, with my youngest being only 3 months old. I had that same feeling of being just a mum and needed more. I'm hoping as my blog grows and I meet more people it will help. So far it's just a great out let. Love this post. Thanks for sharing. xfjx