This LiveJournal entry is dedicated to people who aren't really my friends, but have pretended to be. People who read this may be offended by parts of this post, but I'm writing this because I've held it in too long... out of fear that I might offend people, or because I'm afraid it might cause some sort of fighting amongst my friends. However, I realized something recently... that my silence actually isn't doing anyone any favors. The truth still exists, revealing itself in much more painful ways over time. In many cases, I probably would have protected some people's feelings by stating what I know... so I'm sick of keeping quiet any longer. It's time to do what I have to, and be bluntly open about how I feel in my own damn journal. I apologize to those of you who will be negatively affected due to the ripple effect of this post, and I understand that I will likely lose friends over this. Feel free to post anything you want in response to this post... be open and honest about how you feel about what I've written, if you wish to share what's on your mind.

Nick: You owe a number of my friends both an explanation and an apology for what you've done. I can't believe that you had the nerve to literally sleep your way through an entire group of my friends... and if I had any idea what you had been up to, I never would have let you get with yet another girl during your first and only visit to my apartment. I don't have a problem with you being promiscuous or anything, but I do have a problem with your tendency to plan your next sexual conquest with a friend of the person you're sleeping with... while you're still sleeping with them. Hell, you even got freaky with both a guy and a girl in the same house on the same day... then ignored their requests for an explanation, and even tried to redirect some or all of the blame to someone who had nothing to do with it all. Your total lack of regard for these people's feelings is exemplified by the lies you feed them while you try to worm your way into their hearts, not caring that this could have broken apart a very closely knit group of friends... including the two you got with who live together. Do you even care who you sleep with?

Casandra: I don't hate you or anything, but I do have a problem with being lied to over and over again... then discovering all those lies at virtually the same time. It's also kind'a creepy to receive like 20 calls from someone in a single day... including four of them within three minutes of eachother. You literally scrolled every other call I had received off my cell's Received Calls list that day... twice. I discovered your comments in people's journals that you claimed to hate (and wanted to ignore), and heard the truth about how you interacted with some of my friends. Then... after you contradicted yourself multiple times in the same day, I decided to stop letting you cry on my shoulder with every call you made. I don't mind hearing about your problems, and trying to help you fix them... that's what friends do, and I would continue to be there for you if all of the rest of this hadn't happened. That wasn't what drove me away from you. (Then again, you never actually took more than a scrap of my advice anyway... you just nodded, smiled, and went back to the things you do that hurt yourself and others.) After you creeped me out with tons of calls and obsessive voice mails, I decided that I had made the right choice that day... and set my phone to stop ringing when you called. Every day that you call again (such as an hour ago), leaving me another obsessive voice mail, you prove yet again that I did the right thing... and a day hasn't gone by since, in around two weeks now. Oh, and I'm not even going to bother fully exploring the topic of how many of my friends you've slept with... claiming to love or feel strongly for most of them. For an ice queen, you sure do drip a lot of loving words in people's ears after you've claimed to conquer them sexually. Hell, you even wrote and told me that you loved me (and you didn't exactly say it casually, as if regarding a friend)... then played it off, dismissing it later on.

Jen: I remember how excited I was when I was purchased at Yaoi-Con by such an attractive girl as yourself, who was actually within two years of my age... and actually seemed to have her shit together, too. We kissed a lot, danced, and generally had a great time... but once everything was over, the only times I heard from you were when I did the calling. At some point, I realized that the only reason you had any interest in me at all was because I was cosplaying as Irvine. That still saddens me, especially since you used the excuse that you simply don't have the time to call me... yet when I'm with certain friends, you call them consistently. Hell, you hang out with them quite a bit too. I guess that I don't have enough issues to be your friend, or something. I must be quite boring to you, trying to get to know you over the phone and such... instead of simply trying to get in your pants. My bad.

Matt (bi_boy): *shakes his head* I wonder just how far back I should go with you. I gave you the benefit of the doubt at Yaoi-Con this year, because you seemed friendly enough... but drama just never ends with you. I'm sick of reading all of your jealous responses to people's comments in other LiveJournal posts, such as the most recent one I've read... where you say things like "Identify yourself.", then play it off as if you were just role-playing or something. It really creeps me out that you'll read this entry shortly after I post it, yet you're not on my friends list. The way you stalk the journals of friends of mine that you've been intimate with is just about as creepy as it gets... especially when you almost immediately respond to comments that other people have left in their journals. You have no claim on your ex-lovers or dates; you are not their owners or guardians. They surely doesn't want or need you to fend off both men and women who make innocent comments (most often jokingly!) that suggest a possible level of slight intimacy with them. Get a life, and stop creeping out people who are simply trying to be your friends. Twisting a person's love for you into control is something that totally disgusts me. Oh, and I won't even get in to the realism you projected in the image you created of you, me, and Jen that I posted a copy of in my last journal entry. Just play it off, like you do regarding all the other jealous actions you've taken in the past. Oh, and be thankful that I'm not publicly posting about your smooth performance (or lack thereof) at Yaoi-Con's afterparty. You can stop worrying about your smoking; it sounds to me like you need to control your drinking instead. You screw up the worst when you're drunk... and I never, ever want to console my friends again after you call them during your once a month depression episodes.

Sandra: I remember the day I met you, when I gave you a massage in the Artist's Alley and gradually tried to get to know you a little. All I've ever done is tried to be nice to you, but you treated me like shit a number of times despite that... then randomly switched back to being nice the next time. I'm not even going to get in to the secrets you can't possibly hope to keep about your past behavior, either... because you try to make a secret of things you do right smack in front of lots of people. I finally gave up and got out of your presence on Saturday night at Yaoi-Con this year, when you started going off on everyone in the room... claiming that we were all insane. Sadly, the only one being unethical was you... and you sure as hell know why. It wasn't exactly the first time, either. Take some responsibility for your feelings, actions, and the positions you put yourself in. If you're an innocent victim, I'm the fucking pope.

Alyssa (emglyph): Don't worry, I'm not going to go off on you or anything. I just think that you don't read my LiveJournal any more, and it appears that you never actually had any interest in going to any of my LiveJournal parties... as you once claimed to. Please let me know if I'm mistaken. I'll happily add you to my friends list once more, and we can keep in touch again. You and your boyfriend will always be welcome at any LiveJournal gathering we have in the future, of course.

Camille (aizome): It's very rare that I meet someone as two-faced as you. First, you clearly hit on me in zell_dincht's LiveJournal... then when I get flirty with you in your own journal, your friend attacks me... and you defend that friend instead. To this day, you've never even expressed a single reason why... except your anger that I defended myself. I did so rightly, as far as I'm concerned. You then blocked me and deleted me from your friends list, and even went so far as to delete the comments you wrote when you were hitting on me... and every single comment I made in your journal as well. Next time you flirt with someone, perhaps you can inform them that you've gone from wanting them to not wanting them... especially after you were the one who initiated things with me. Covering your tracks by deleting your comments doesn't mean shit, though... as I can quote them verbatim from my e-mail, which I'll do so here regarding what you deleted from zell_dincht's LiveJournal.

The first comment you deleted..."Ah! Finally, a picture to go with this ID. ^^

I apologize for being so terrible with names, and so SLOW, Chris.

If I'm right, you brought Eve and Randee to my keeping one night. *g* Yaoi-con, 2003?

If you were indeed that lovely bishounen who fixed my alarm clock in room 1969 of the Renaissance Parc 55 on the evening of Sunday, October 19, then you're the one I saw in that icon. *grin*

However, this icon I leave you with is merely the character I played at said con for two days, but you saw me most embarrassingly without the wig! ^^;;;;

*hug* Still drinking that uber-strong Smirnoff? ~.^"

...and the second comment..."Oh god, you're making me blush. Stop it! XP Really funny you should say this, as I think I was at just about my very worst when you guys showed up that night. (lol) My hair needed to be washed so badly after being under that wig all day!

I'll keep that number, luv. ^^ And thank you for brightening up a very dull day for me! *hug*"

If anyone doesn't believe that she wrote that, feel free to ask zell_dincht... as those very same comments were sent to him by e-mail as well. After all, it is his journal she wrote them in... and as I've said before, they were unsolicited. I can't believe that you sent your friends to try and harass me like lackeys. You could have avoided sparking over 100 LiveJournal comment flames by actually having even one shred of ACTUAL concern for anyone other than yourself, and simply contacted me yourself... but nope, you had to hide behind people because you were afraid to tell me how you really felt. I'm just glad I got to see who you really are inside before I could get attached to you.

Ang (daysgoby): I can't believe that you attacked me unprovoked without even knowing me. You devoted an entire post to bashing me, and then continued to post about me negatively... as if I could have possibly somehow deserved your blind rage. Your obsession with harassing me is quite flattering, though! Thank you for posting a picture of yourself for me to look at, by the way. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for you next time I'm at Yaoi-Con. It'll be interesting to see what you do when I walk up to you and discuss this whole thing with you in person, as you don't even appear to have the balls to ever address my comments directly online... choosing to screen them instead. *lol* I hope that you don't find yourself regretting your pathetic efforts to defend aizome when she bashed me... along with steel_basilisk's rude, ineffective attacks on me. :)

Sorry that was so long, but it all needed to be said. It's time for the fire to spread... and I just hope it remains contained in this single LiveJournal account. If you feel that you've been unfairly represented in my journal, write a comment here or e-mail me. If I agree, I'll post an apology in a subsequent post... but as far as I can discern from my view of the world, this is true information that people should know. I don't want to post this, but I'd regret not posting it a whole lot more.

- Chris (cK1)

Edit at 4:15pm on Tuesday, December 16, 2003: I removed links to Nick, Jen, Cassie, and Sandra's journals.

Sorry nanaminako, but there are so many comments that this is the only way that i got it put in there.

Okay, Cassie may deserve to be on this list but I certainly don't.

For starters, I NEVER slept with Randee. Never. NEVER. NEVER! He may have wished it so but that's entirely beside the point.

Yeah, I did sleep with Omi and I admit that openly,but I didn't disappear without explaination of any kind like Omi would like you to believe. I explained everything to her, and simply put, I told her that it just wasn't working out, and that's exactly what the case was, and I wasn't with Omi at the time, either. I broke up with Omi 2 weeks before I saw you again.

You're a good guy, Chris, and I like you.But don't be so quick to make judgements about me and the kind of person I am, okay??

You may be a tease... *evil grin* ...but you have a good heart, and I can't see a single reason for me to be upset with you. I just hope that, in time, I can get to know you better. I might actually be able to find something bad about you if I learned more about you, after all. ;) On a more serious note, though... I hope that things get better for you, Maggi. You've had some of the shittiest luck of anyone I've ever heard of. If you ever want to talk, just give me a call at (415) 302-8869 any time. It would be nice to truly learn more about you. Virtually everything important that I know about you is from asking Dan, or the occasional post in your journal where you talk about something that has profoundly affected your life.

If you'd like to fix that (the "not talking" part, I mean!), please feel free to call me at (415) 302-8869 any time. Perhaps we can hang out again some time. I truly had a blast at your house that one night, and I'd like to invite you over to my new apartment. You're welcome there any time. You can play all your bemani games on the three theater subwoofers that my roommate owns. I bet you'd play better if you could feel the bass reverberating up through your feet from every part of the apartment. :)

By the way, my roommate is a DJ... which explains why he owns a sound system that can break the windows in the building next to us if he turns up the sound all the way. I bet you'd enjoy using his CD based DJ system, since you're so good at Beatmania IIDX. *grin*

Thank you so much for writing this... and I wish it did feel good to write what I did, but it didn't. I hated writing this post. What I truly wish is that I had no cause to write it in the first place... that these people hadn't at some point hurt me and/or my friends. At any rate, I just wanted you to know that I'll be around for you if you need to talk about the people upsetting you.

Hopefully we can become more than acquaintances by sharing experiences such as these, through LiveJournal comments or other such ways. I just hope that I learn a better way to protect my friends and express my disappointment with people in the future. Please take care.

I should add you to the list, complaining that you never cook for me. *grin* I'll be spending Christmas Eve with my mom, and Christmas Day proper with my dad most likely. I always spend the days with my family, and my sister will most likely drive me around. Do you have someone to spend the days with? If you don't, you are most welcome at my mom's place. I'd be more than happy to ask my dad as well. :)

If that is how you feel, I respect it. Go ahead and think what you will of me. I won't be calling you anymore. I know I contradict myself, but I'm only trying to find my way in life. Someday I'll find it. One thing I know is that I don't hate anyone unless they hate me first. I don't know when I lied, but whatever.. I'm just going to walk away before I do anymore harm. Sayonnara forever..

This is what's best, though I wish that was not the case. I think that you need to find yourself before we can be friends again... and I haven't discounted that possibility in any regard. We definitely need time apart, though... and I do ask that you please stick to your words here on that for a considerable amount of time. When things have changed with you, I will embrace you as a friend again... but not until you truly understand everything I have said about how I feel. I've done my best to explain it all in the past; now you have to figure it all out for yourself. Farewell, and good luck to you.

I've got a problem... I want to go to your gathering, but I'm not sure that I can. I don't have that day off, and my boss expressed a need to be somewhere that day... so I doubt there's any way I can do anything but leave work ASAP and head to you. Unfortunately, I won't get off 'til like 5:30pm... and that's really late. If you'll still be in San Francisco then, I'll come visit... but unfortunately, I believe that's the best I can do. I really miss you, too... :(

This must have taken a lot to post. And for that, I respect your courage for doing this. I have posted a link onto my own because I felt as if people should read it, especially people that were formerly on your friends list. I think it'll give them something to at least think about... If they were mature enough to do so.

It sounds like a lot of people have been mistreating you, pet. >_< I'd threaten them, but I don't think I really need to. You're a big strong man who can take care of it much better than I can. XD But, know that I'm behind you a hundred percent, at the very least.

*gently draws you into his arms, holding your close* There are times when I feel that your words are enough to keep me safe from the entire world, no matter what forces may try to confront me. I will always hold you in my heart because of that. *rests his fingertips on your cheek, smiling and staring into your eyes*

Chris, you are awesome. ^-^ We have never spoken really, but I like to watch from a distance. I think what you said was great. *noddle* I feel the same way, you know? I just realized you live in CA. How far from Bakersfield? Also, if you already haven't check out the site go-gaia.com you might just like it ^-^ WTG Tidus!

You're damn cool yourself, Kim. Don't worry about "watching from a distance" or anything... you've been supportive of me before, and that's why we're friends. As for Gaia Online, it's a great site... but I rarely get on there these days. I do love it, though! So much fun dressing up a kickass avatar with such cool spritey accessories. Thank you for your kindness. :)

o__o Oi vey, Chris. You really have kept a ton of stuff inside. It's like a bottle waiting to pop.Glad you got that all off your chest, though, because that much could really wear a person down. *nodnod*

Anyway, I miss you tons. I hope you take care of yourself and have fun. <3 *huggles*

You are such a dear, Kelsie. I remember thinking about you rather recently, after reading about how breathtaking your singing was in Darci's LiveJournal. I wish that I could call you some time, and listen to your beautiful voice in my ear. :)

XDmuy bien chrisim liking the ability to just let it all out..its good to be very honest. theres nothing as bad as having the fake friends, and giving them the impression that everythings cool..cause it just brings the energy down. i commend you!<33

Hey, I am sorry you are feeling hurt by people ;_; I am amazed misfit me is still on your friends list sometimes o.o; Best wishes to ya and I hope you have a good holidays and everything if you don't post by then.