The Power of Yes: A Simple Way to Get More Out of Life

For much of my adult life I’ve been shackled by fear. I’ve been afraid to try new things, afraid to meet new people, afraid of doing anything that might lead to failure. This fear confined me to a narrow comfort zone. Recently, however, I made a single small change that has helped me to overcome my fear, and allowed me to get more out of life.

Last fall somebody at Ask Metafilter posted a question looking for books about self-confidence. One person recommended Impro by Keith Johnstone. Intrigued, I borrowed it from the public library. It blew my mind. Though it’s a book about stage-acting, several of the techniques it describes are applicable to everyday life.

I was particularly struck by the need for improvisational actors to accept whatever is offered to them on stage. In order for a scene to flow, an actor must take whatever situation arises and just go with it. (Watch old episodes of Whose Line is It Anyway to see this principle in action.) Johnstone writes:

Once you learn to accept offers, then accidents can no longer interrupt the action. […] This attitude makes for something really amazing in the theater. The actor who will accept anything that happens seems supernatural; it’s the most marvelous thing about improvisation: you are suddenly in contact with people who are unbounded, whose imagination seems to function without limit.

[…]

These ‘offer-block-accept’ games have a use quite apart from actor training. People with dull lives often think that their lives are dull by chance. In reality everyone chooses more or less what kind of events will happen to them by their conscious patterns of blocking and yielding.

That passage had a profound effect on me. I thought about it for days. “What if I did this in real life?” I wondered. “Is there a way I could adapt this to help me overcome my fear?” I began to note the things that I blocked and accepted. To my surprise, I blocked things constantly — I made excuses not to do things because I was afraid of what might happen if I accepted.

I made a resolution. I decided that instead of saying “no” to things because I was afraid of them, I would “just say yes”. That became my working motto: “Just say yes”. Any time anyone asked me to do something, I agreed to do it (as long as it wasn’t illegal and didn’t violate my own personal code of conduct). In the past six months, I’ve put this philosophy into practice in scores of little ways. But the power of “yes” has made larger changes to my life, too, has exposed me to things I never would have done before.

Soon after I started saying “yes”, a GRS reader offered to provide free wellness coaching. My gut reaction was to say “no”. But I caught my negative thinking. “Just say yes,” I said to myself. So I did. Working with Lauren, my wellness coach, has been an amazingly positive experience.

Ramit at I Will Teach You to Be Rich asked me to contribute to his eBook. I had all kinds of reasons for saying “no” — none of them good — but I forced myself to say “yes”. As a result, this site gained new readers, and I got to correspond with Ramit about how to produce a PDF book.

Last winter, Sally shared a guest article about eating vegetarian on the cheap. A few weeks later she wrote that she and her husband would be in town, and asked if Kris and I would like to have dinner. In the past I would have said “no” out of fear of meeting a stranger. I said yes, and I’m glad I did.

One of my friends works as a career counselor at a nearby university. Recently he asked me to present a talk to graduating seniors about the basics of personal finance. Normally I would refuse out of hand, but only because I am afraid. I said yes. Though the presentation fell through, the copious notes I made will serve as the basis for many future articles.

A close friend asked me to go see a band I’d never even heard of. On a Thursday. At midnight. This was totally outside my comfort zone, but I said yes. The experience was fantastic. We had a great conversation, and then I got to discover The Black Angels and their wall of sound.

I don’t know anything about table tennis, but when my former soccer coach stopped by to recruit me for a local club, I agreed to join. It’s been fun learning the sport, and getting re-acquainted with his family. (I was once good friends with his son.)

These things will seem minor to the extroverts here. But for me, these were big steps. These experiences were new, and I wouldn’t have had them if I hadn’t forced myself to just say yes.

Most of my experiences from my “just say yes” campaign have been positive, but not all of them. I’ve had some failures, too. Surprisingly, I’ve learned more from the bad experiences than I have from the good.

In February, for example, a Seattle radio station asked me to do a telephone interview about retirement savings. “I’m not a retirement expert,” I told the woman who contacted me, but then I realized I was making excuses. I was blocking because I was scared. “But I’ll do it,” I said. Ultimately my radio appearance was a disaster. I got stage-fright and became tongue-tied. But you know what? I don’t care. I failed, but at least I tried. After the interview, I e-mailed the woman to apologize and to ask for advice. She was sympathetic, and gave me some great pointers. Next time somebody asks for a radio interview, I’ll do better.

For too long, fear of failure held me back. Failure itself didn’t hold me back — the fear of it did. When I actually try something and fail, I generally get right back up and do it again, but better the second time. I pursue it until I succeed. But often I convince myself that I can’t do something because I’m going to fail at it, so I don’t even bother to try.

Since I’ve learned the power of yes, I’ve begun to act as if I’m not afraid. Whenever I feel fear creep upon me, I act as if I’m somebody else. I act as if I’m somebody stronger and braver. Motivational speaker Brian Tracy says:

If you want to develop courage, then simply act courageously when it’s called for. If you do something over and over again, you develop a habit. Some people develop the habit of courage. Some people develop the habit of non-courage.

Tracy recommends that any time you encounter the fear of failure, you simply tell yourself, “I can do it.” Say it again and again and then do it. What’s more, he says, tell others that they can do the things they’re frightened of. How many times have you seen somebody excited about a new project become totally deflated when others tell them why it won’t work. Don’t be like that. Tell the person, “You can do it.” Be supportive.

Tracy is famous for asking the question: What would you dare to dream if you knew you wouldn’t fail? This is a powerful concept. What could you do if you stopped telling yourself “no” and simply tapped into the power of yes?

Aside from learning the power of yes, there are other ways to fight fear and develop a more courageous attitude.

Start small. Many people are afraid to make phone calls, or to approach a clerk in a store. Begin by practicing these little habits. A clerk in a book store answers hundreds of questions a month. There’s no reason to be frightened of asking yours.

Try one new thing each week. It doesn’t have to be big. Learn a new skill, have lunch with an acquaintance, do something for a friend. Once every week, say “yes” where you might have said “no” before.

Exercise mindfulness. When fear creeps into your head, name it for what it is, and let it pass by. I know this sounds new age and hokey, but it works. When somebody asks you to do something and your gut reaction is “no”, pause to examine that “no” and ask yourself, “Am I saying this simply out of fear? What would happen if I said yes?”

Act like you’re somebody else. Do you have a friend who is a great negotiator? The next time you negotiate, pretend you’re this person. This is more effective than you probably think!

Ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that could happen?” Then ask yourself, “What is the best thing that could happen?” Most of the time when I make this comparison, the upside far outweighs the downside.

Recognize that failures and mistakes are not the end. Often they’re the beginning. If you can pick yourself up after you do something wrong, and then learn from the experience, you’ll be a better person because of it.

Yes Man is a book by Danny Wallace that chronicles his adventures as he says “yes” to everything for an entire year. I haven’t read this, but I’d like to.

Impro by Keith Johnstone is a book about improvisational acting. Sharp readers will find ways to apply these techniques to everyday life, to boost self-confidence and to overcome fear of failure.

We all have dreams, but most of us make excuses for not pursuing them. Often these excuses aren’t overt. It’s more a matter of inertia, of just ignoring the dreams, of maintaining the comfortable status quo. But you can break out of your comfort zone to get more out of life through the simple power of yes.

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Thanks for this post, J.D. I’ve been using the “What’s the worst that could happen/What’s the best that could happen” mind trick for years, and when honest with the answers I’ve always found that the worst that could happen is not so bad, and often worth experiencing.

It’s often possible to derive life-lessons from unexpected sources. I don’t want anyone to be misled into believing Improv is anything other than a book about acting. But a careful reader can extrapolate the acting lessons to make generalizations about how to deal with real-life situations. The same same is true with many other books.

For example, there’s a section in Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink in which he describes how the food packaging is designed to get consumers to buy more. Gladwell’s point is that we make unconscious decisions. But a person looking to save money can take this information and use it to avoid being manipulated by marketing.

Impro is an interesting book, and you can get a lot out of it, but if you go into it expecting explicit tips on how to make your life better, you’re going to be disappointed. Better to stick to Carnegie, I think.

I’m a big improviser, and I’ve read the book (as well as others), and I think something to understand with the concept of “accept” in improv is also the concept of “Yes, and”. By making a yes offer, and then offering something yourself, you are adding to the collective. Try saying yes, then raise the stakes by adding something else.

“Yes, I will do that, and I will contribute to that offer with something of my own.”

“Yes, but” doesn’t not work, because it’s not an accept. It’s a rejection.

Very nice article JD. It really makes me think more seriously about my freelance computer work, which I enjoy immensely & do very well at.

I’ve constantly thought about trying to seek out more work, possibly leading up to full time stuff, but I’m so afraid of being rejected by potential clients. Sounds crazy when you write it down, but emotions of fear make us do dumb things.

Great post JD. I think I’ve been crippled by fear these last few years. It’s only been this past year that I started not fearing the possibility of failures that I started seeing real growth in my life. Things like volunteering to lead discussion groups even though I’m deathfully fearful of public speaking… and my biggest venture… blogging.

Fantastic post. You should send a link to Jay at Dumb Little Man. This is right up his alley.

Great work on the post and everything leading up to the post. Sometimes, even when our lives are relatively happy, we find out that we really don’t know what we’re missing by shutting out everything out of our comfort zone. I know I’m a victim of this, and the advice in this post is completely applicable. Thanks!

I used to have the worst case of stage fright when I was younger. I was afraid of anything that might cause me embarrassment. I couldn’t give a speech in front of a class, I had a hard time speaking up at work, I couldn’t even say hi to girls :)

A lot of it was solved when I realized “well, the worst that can happen is I fail”. It’s amazing to realize the the consequences of failure are minuscule and the consequences of success are tremendous. So you fail, so what? What’s the worst that can happen? Certain there are things where failures can be very serious, but in our day to day lives we frequently shy away from things for no good reason at all.

Great post! I definitely struggle with the blocking thing; I justify it by telling myself I’m being cautious and wise, but at heart I know I’m missing out on lots of opportunities and that I need to step out and take risks if I really desire the possibility of great rewards.

One question I ask is what’s your method of determining that fear is causing your answering No rather than other circumstances.

This is a great question. I don’t have a great answer. I basically think it’s a gut response. If you take even five seconds to think about what you are doing and why, it’s usually clear when you’re refusing something out of fear.

When I decline to have lunch with an internet acquaintance, it’s out of fear of rejection. When I procrastinate writing a weblog entry about “the power of yes” for three months, it’s out of fear of failure. When I avoid trying Ethiopian food, it’s only because I’m afraid I might not like it.

But when I refuse to host ads for payday loans at Get Rich Slowly, it’s because of principles. If I refuse to try certain drugs, it’s because they’re illegal. Etc. I was telling a friend the other day that one of my guidelines in this process is “no sex with goats”. That sounds crude, I know, but it makes the point.

Generally it only takes a few seconds to realize if I’m saying “no” out of fear. If it takes longer, then I delay the decision. And sometimes my “yes” responses take a long time. I haven’t completely conquered my fear yet, so I can sit on a request from somebody for days (or weeks!) before calling myself out and telling myself that I’m procrastinating a response out of fear.

If only I had learned this lesson twenty years ago. I might have had more dates in high school! :)

I used the “negotiate like you’re someone else” tactic recently in a small claims mediation. I was SO nervous that I was ready to just give in when I thought “How would my mother handle this?” Mom was the toughest gal I ever knew and never seemed to have a moment of doubt that she was right, even when she was dead wrong. I “channeled” her in that mediation room and ended up winning!

Your post reminded me of another saying I’ve read somewhere “Fake it till ya make it”. As a small business owner, I’m doing a lot of that.

It reminds me a time, back around 1989, when I picked up a book entitled “F**k Yes!: A guide To The Happy Acceptance Of Everything” – a small press fiction book about a person who says yes to everything and omits no from his vocabulary, becomes a self-help guru, and all sort of wackiness comes of it. Odd book, not terribly well-written, but very entertaining. Despite the strangeness of the book, I recall being very inspired (strangely) by it, and tried to say “yes” to everything as well. Life became very enjoyable and educational, very quickly.

So, say “yes.” In fact, say “yes” as often as you can. When I was starting out in Chicago, doing improvisational theatre with Second City and other places, there was really only one rule I was taught about improv. That was, “yes-and.” In this case, “yes-and” is a verb. To “yes-and.” I yes-and, you yes-and, he, she or it yes-ands. And yes-anding means that when you go onstage to improvise a scene with no script, you have no idea what’s going to happen, maybe with someone you’ve never met before. To build a scene, you have to accept. To build anything onstage, you have to accept what the other improviser initiates on stage.

They say you’re doctors â€” you’re doctors. And then, you add to that: We’re doctors and we’re trapped in an ice cave. That’s the “-and.” And then hopefully they “yes-and” you back. You have to keep your eyes open when you do this. You have to be aware of what the other performer is offering you, so that you can agree and add to it. And through these agreements, you can improvise a scene or a one-act play. And because, by following each other’s lead, neither of you are really in control. It’s more of a mutual discovery than a solo adventure. What happens in a scene is often as much a surprise to you as it is to the audience.

Well, you are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what’s going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say “yes.” And if you’re lucky, you’ll find people who will say “yes” back.

Now, will saying “yes” get you in trouble at times? Will saying “yes” lead you to doing some foolish things? Yes it will. But don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes.”

Of course common sense dictates that you have to strike a balance here. I used to have a friend who said “yes” to everything and her life was a mess because of it: she was always overcommitted, rarely followed through on her promises (because she was overcommitted), and just generally overextended and exhausted herself. On the one hand it was endearing because she was so open to everything and her life was very rich and full, but on the other hand her behavior was incredibly frustrating to everyone around her, and definitely to those who depended on her to follow through.

Another great thing to learn is that fear is often the manipulating tool of EGO. We don’t want to look like failures. We don’t want to look stupid. It’s not like you were going to be physically hurt by anything you’ve dared to do. You just were being manipulated by your ego.

You know well how ego leads people to financial ruin. Now, you’re learning to recognize how ego can lead to a very dull, fearful, and lonely life that ultimately will be full of regret.

I’ve been doing this for the past nine months or so. I’m an Australian high school student, and I think what started me doing this was that, while my grades were (and are) very good, I wasn’t doing any extracurricular activities. I wasn’t doing anything, while it seemed that everyone else was doing something, such as sport.

Since I started this, I’ve joined Guitar Ensemble, Stage Band, Debating and my year’s Student Representative Council. I’ve accepted workshops and other activities that I’ve been offered to attend. I’ve also started playing Dungeons and Dragons and having loads of fun with a great group of students. I’m having a ball and I haven’t taken on more than I can handle.

Following this plan has been great. I’m more active and happy and I feel like I’m achieving more. It’s also really good to see that so many other people are doing the same.

I’d really like to read that book Impro. It looks like there’s a lot to learn from it and it has, perhaps unintentionally, a lot in it that’s applicable to daily life.

Not sure, who wrote this, or a variant of this, but it’s powerful enough, that I have this printed out and pinned on my wall.

To laugh is to risk appearing a fool
To weep is to risk being called sentimental
To reach out to another is to risk involvement
To expose feelings is to risk showing your true self
To place your ideas and dreams before the crowd is to risk being called naive
To love is to risk not being loved in return
To live is to risk dying
To hope is to risk despair
To try is to risk failure
The greatest risk in life is to risk nothing
The person who risks nothing does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing
Only the person who risks is truly free.

You are doing a great job, getting out of your comfort zone, and confronting your fears. That’s the only way to deal with fear – to confront it. That’s the way, I do it as well.

I got all the way to the end of the post thinking that this sounds like ‘Yes Man’ by Danny Wallace and then you mentioned it. Its a great book by the way (as is ‘Join Me’) and although he might have taken it to extremes, it does make him happier overall.

Thanks J.D.
I am often paralyzed with fear of rejection and failure. Even blogging and commenting has me concerned that I will be rejected. I have had many great experiences in my life that are just the opposite but I still live in the fear.
Thanks for a great post!
Chisty

“It is not the critic that counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement. And at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”

Great blog! You and your readers, who found IMPRO by Johnstone inspiring might well find value in a book that takes the lessons of improv and applies them to our daily life. The book is IMPROV WISDOM: Don’t Prepare, Just Show Up by Patricia Ryan Madson. Check it out on Amazon.com

Great post. I did some improv in college (and read the book Impro, which is excellent despite the wacky bits), but it never occured to me to apply yes-and to everyday life. Nice idea.

One thing I did take from improv was using high status markers. I believe this is mentioned in the book. When doing improv in which you are assigned characters (“Sean, you’re the butler, JD, you’re the Duke”), there are certain characteristics that you can take on as markers of status. Some high status markers include making and holding direct eye contact, standing in an open stance, not touching your face, holding your shoulders back, etc. I realized that in dealing with other people, I usually used low status markers (I was a pretty shy guy). So I experimented with using high status markers in everyday life, and my self-confidence rocketed.

If you have difficulty with public speaking (as in the radio appearance, or speaking to your friend’s seniors), another thing to think about is Toastmasters (www.toastmasters.org for a local club). That also really helped me overcome my shyness.

I can’t imagine what your life was like before you began saying yes. Did you just sit in a corner, in the fetal position, rocking back and forth? These things that you talk about “overcoming” sound like typical everyday activites. Good think you’re now on the right track.

I can’t imagine what your life was like before you began saying yes. Did you just sit in a corner, in the fetal position, rocking back and forth?

No, no. Not at all. Within my comfort zone, I’m a perfectly sociable guy. In fact, most people would probably consider me an extrovert rather than an introvert. The thing is, though, I don’t like to leave my comfort zone. I hate new situations. I hate meeting new people. Another example I forgot to include on my list is trying new food. Why should I try new food? I like the stuff I eat already! But by saying “yes” to new food, I’ve discovered some great stuff. Clams and mussels in a wine and garlic sauce: MMMMMMM.

These things that you talk about “overcoming” sound like typical everyday activites.

I concur with Brad’s warning. I was a professional Yes-man when I worked in technical support. It spilled over into everything I did and ultimately burned me out and drained me of everything.

Be judicious in saying yes, but saying yes more often when you can’t see an obvious upside for you can be a wonderful thing. It’s kind of like saying that you’ll try anything at least twice. Once to try it and a second time to make sure you really don’t like it. I’ve found that has also helped me out a lot in having new experiences and making changes in my life.

My senior year in high school I did a smaller but similar thing. Whenever someone asked me to do something, and I didn’t know whether I wanted to do it or not, I used to always say no. So my last year, my best friend and I started saying yes instead.

We played flag football, advised Girl Scouts on a camping trip (and also got lost), ushered at the senior play, participated in math and spelling tournaments, and made way too many cookies. We never regretted a single one of these yeses; every one of them turned out to be fun.

One cool thing about saying yes is that you are saying yes to someone. Therefore, you already know someone who is involved and probably enthusiastic about the activity and perhaps a good mentor. It’s not at all the same as forging new territory on your own. So easy!

Back then I was bored a lot. Now I am too busy. I need to start saying no to some old things so I can say yes to some new things.

i have to keep reminding myself every once in a while about this concept. i do it all the time when i’m travelling, but for some reason when i start putting down roots, I get more fearful and less easy going.

when i’m travelling around, i definitely use my gut instincts, but i also say yes a lot more.

I really appreciate this post. Like you, I had created a small comfort zone for myself and had been growing increasingly fearful of things in my adult life. My outgoing wife died in November of 2005 and, finding myself suddenly and completely alone several states away from my friends and family, I realized that I had to make some positive changes in my life. One was to say yes to every opportunity. Since then I’ve learned kayaking, snowboarding, created a scholarship, and become a worship leader at a Unitarian church, which involves routine speaking in front of my congregation.

I loved this and need to save it to reread. When I was in my late 20’s and early 30’s I noticed I had developed a pattern of saying, ‘I don’t like that’ or ‘I’m afraid to do that’. I’ve worked on it quite a bit but as an introvert I’ve found myself reluctant (to say the least) to initiate contact with people other than my closest friends. Some great advice here. Thank you!

Sometimes the challenge is to put yourself into a position in which the choices are truly daring. It’s one thing to say yes to trying a new dish, but another thing to find yourself being invited to go skydiving. I find myself hovering between the more daring borders of my comfort zone and edgier terrain with great frequency, though the nature of the challenging questions tends to conform somewhat with my world. Just for fun, I’m thinking of just taking a dart and throwing it at a list of social events or workshops, and doing whatever is indicated…. as long as no great expense is involved.

But what about a job change? I received an unsolicited job offer this week. It’s for a very prestigious employer, but I believe my tasks would be more boring than what I do now. So should I say yes for the sake of saying yes? Or once I recognize my refusal is rational and not fear-based, I can say no? How do I find out for sure this job offer really doesn’t suit me and I’m not secretly fearing failure?

R. (comment# 64) – I just wanted to say that another way to look at J.D. piece is “to say No” sometimes. I am an introvert and sometimes I chicken out of situation just because I don’t want to get out of my comfort zone. I think that is where J.D.’s piece comes in very handy. But in things that are life changing, like changing jobs, moving to another country, having a baby… I think you need to think things through a lot before you make a commitment. Good luck in your decision making!

While I do agree that saying yes is good, in the sense that it trains you to take risks and not be afraid, I think saying yes too much can sometimes dilute your focus. I think, as always, it’s a matter of balance. Don’t just say yes for the sake of saying yes. It’s a good practice to train yourself for risk-taking, but for practical purposes it can sometimes distract, in my opinion. Sometimes the smartest thing to do is quit (or say no to) one task to focus on another.

Hi JD… thanks so much for this post. Your reflection on the book ‘improv’ was really inspiring. I love most of the post you’d put up here and had learnt much. Thanks so much for all the great tips and idea :)

This article was a real eye-opener – thanks for your thoughts. I’ve already found an opportunity to try saying “yes” when I would have said “no”. I suppose this goes to show how often we are faced with these kinds of choices (and too often say no).

Great post. I recently read a NY Times article “The Many Errors in Thinking About Mistakes” (Nov. 24, 2007, Alina Tugend), where the author concluded that human desire to avoid failure has robbed us of new experiences and learning from mistakes. As you pointed out in your post, those of us who play it safe miss out on the opportunity to grow and learn. Thanks for sharing your personal experiences about the “power of yes.”

If I said yes to everything I’d be completely overwhelmed and overcommitted. This probably sounds like a mental block :) but my life really is knee deep in the weeds already.

I can see how this “just say yes” thing is very helpful, though. I have had to psyche myself into this same behavior in certain contexts. In particular, I always find it anxious-making to socialize with my partner’s family and/or friends. I don’t know why. I really like them and always have fun. But as she and I have gotten close I guess it’s just been a lot of new people to take on at a pretty close range, and that’s gotten my guard up a few times. But now, rather than make excuses about why I can’t go with her to see her grandmother, etc, I try to just say yes and then clean up any actual consequences that may result. In reality, there is almost never any true impact of going along, except the goodwill I generate with her, her family, and the usually very good experience of being with them all.

But I do this with them because they’re very very important to my life right now. I find the exercise of saying yes to EVERYTHING interesting, especially because it immerses you completely in the “no excuses” thing. But I guess I’m not as introverted, because my life is already more full of people and activities than I can keep up with.

Perhaps after a time of accepting everything, you can break down your blocks enough to trust that if you say no to something in the future, it will be for good reasons only, not just a mental reluctance.

I followed today’s link here. I think it’s interesting how many people are worried about saying “yes” too much.

The post still applies, I think, just in reverse. Are you saying yes because you really want to do something, or will learn from it, or will get something worthwhile? Or are you saying yes because you’re afraid of what people — including yourself — will think of you if you don’t, even though there are real reasons (time, money, health, whatever) you should decline?

Acting out of fear is usually a bad idea, whether you’re limiting yourself or letting others limit you. Most people tend to do one more than the other. Those of us who say “no” too much need to be reminded that failure isn’t really that bad, and those who say “yes” too much need to be reminded that not doing everything isn’t failure.

I’ve been reading your blog for about a month now, and you’re really inspired me to look at how I got into debt and reading each day is keeping me focused on getting out. Anyway, I’ve been working my way through the archives and this post really hit home. I’ve been working a second job for over a year now and while it’s helping with the debt I think I’m hiding behind “I’m too busy to go out, do that, visit you” too often. I’ve gotten so used to saying no and after a while people stop asking and frankly, that’s pretty lonely and boring. I need to get out of debt but I need a life too. So, without totally exhausting myself, I’m going to practise saying yes for a change. And to use the “and” to suggest something in return. I’m looking forward to seeing what happens :-)

Great article! I recommend Impro to writers in my workshops all the time. Not only is “Yes, and” a great creative technique applicable (as your article so well illustrates) to a myriad of life/art situations, but the concept of STATUS that KJ so thoroughly explores is of great help to writers trying to understand the dynamics between their characters.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I linked to you in a recent blog post (March 4th), in which I present “Yes, and . . .” as a way of moving into a better relationship with your inner writer.

Thanks for the black angels reference, I got curious and just checked them out for the first time, they are amazing! They’re on emusic.com too, listening to the “Passover” album right now, powerful stuff. Take care…

I used to do the G. Gordon Liddy thing: Do one thing a day that scares you. I felt more of a man. (less the scarecrow..cowardly lion). Great article. I once was in an encounter group where you would eye to eye someone and move toward them saying yes until one of you says no. I’m going to try that at the grocery store now.
May I compliment you on this article?

I just read this post for the first time, and as an introvert myself who is trying to change that habit I have to say thank you! This was a very inspiring post, and I can’t wait to read more of the links and books you recommended. I’m challenging myself to get out of my “comfort zone” this year, brave the fear of failure, and reading about your experiences and other’s with it is so helpful. Thank you!!!!!!

I saw other day SeinfeldÂ´s episode that shows “oppositeÂ´s” George”. Even if its a joke, it contains real things that you can do in your life. I think our brain focus on easier paths naturally in a subtle way we canÂ´t control easily. Bypass this modus operandis is the biggest challenge.

I actually started saying yes to almost everything because of the movie Yes Man. It is an very easy way to get some action and boost your social life.. I felt changed after just a month, yeah i failed sometimes but I also started to change my way of looking at mistakes in the past.. <I cannot change my past mistakes and failures,so why should i throw away time thinking about them and regretting them? it was amazing how everything changed so quick..

I started to read this post rather idly while sipping a lukewarm cup of coffee. I thought it would be just another article on how to move out of the comfort zone, another typical motivational article that is easier to read than to practice on a daily basis.

And then I saw myself in paragraph where you write about saying yes instead of no, and thought about often I’ve done the same thing; and I was stunned. It will definitely be food for thought today.
Thank you for being honest here and for writing about your own experiences that the rest of us can identify with. It kind of helps to know that someone else is going through the same thing.

I just finished watching the move Yes Man with Jim Carrey. I was intrigued by the idea and decided to do some research. Your article was the first thing I found.

I’m glad I took the time to read it. My entire life has been lived in fear. Nearly every woman I’ve ever dated has asked me out, nearly every job has been handed to me, every good thing in my life has happened because someone else was brave enough to get it for me.

Recently I decided to change my life. Over the past 10 years my life has spiraled out of control. I’m currently unemployed, single and living with my family.

It wasn’t until a friend pulled me out of my shell that I saw how bad my life was. The worst part is, I’ve nobody to blame but myself.

So I decided I was going to start with myself first. I’ve begun a rigorous exercise routine (P90X from BeachBody — I recommend the BeachBody workouts to anyone trying to get in shape), I’ve resumed my studies (I’m studying to be a massage therapist), I’ve begun rekindling old friendships AND I’m making plans to move out of my parents’ house.

The funny thing is, it all started by me saying yes. The friend that pulled me out of my shell wanted my help on a project. He also lives 2 hours away from my parents’ home. I agreed and he came to get me so we could work on it for a week without interruptions. Since that first trip my life has begun unraveling, but in a good way. I was woven so tightly into my own little cocoon that I was beginning to lose hope.

Saying yes has already changed my life. I was sitting at rock bottom. The way I see it, things will only get better from here.

Also, for anyone interested there was an interesting film called “What the Bleep Do We Know?” with Marlee Matlin that talks about the power of thought to effect the world around us. I recommend it to anyone trying to make a change in their life.

I watched the movie ‘Yes Man’ starring Jim Carrey a week ago on DVD and even though i thought the movie was a bit clique and extreme, i found myself relating a lot to Jim carrey’s initial NO character. I realised i said NO a lot, to my friends, to my bosses, to myself, to life in general. And the whole idea of saying YES to life struck a chord within me. IM 28 years old and iv regretted so many things i said NO to. I searched the web, googled the power of yes and found this page and here i am. And now i want to give this a good go. I want to say Yes. Yes to opportunities, yes to everything. So far iv done it for 2 days now and its really liberating!! Iv gotten to know a girl which i would have normally put off, learned things from my bosses…will post more after a month..YES!!!

We all suck at first. A purposeful “yes” is one of the most effective ways to get better, plus gain confidence and opportunities.

You can’t get better at basketball by reading a book on dribbling. Get out there and shoot. You’ll miss most your shots, but by saying “yes” to practicing and playing you’ll get better with practice.

Doing something is the ONLY way to get better at it. So just do it (I hope this link to an article I wrote isn’t spammy… just think it’s relevant to this topic).

As some have mentioned here, you don’t want to dilute yourself and lose track of what’s important to you. But assuming the opportunity is aligned with what you want to do, say “yes” without thinking twice – especially before the niggling doubt creeps in too much and forces a “no” out of you.

You don’t know how it will be, since you’ve never done it. So say “yes” and go ahead and do it. You’ll build confidence by being okay with failing often to get better faster, and you’ll gain new, greater opportunities by putting yourself out there.

If anything, you can utilize getting out of your comfort zone as a tool for growth. If you feel you’re stretching yourself, then it’s a sign that this is an opportunity for growth. Say “yes,” just do it, and grow.

Thanks for the powerful reminder of how saying “yes” will let us get so much more out of life,
Oleg

J.D., I saw the link to this from today’s article (11/30/09) and I just wanted to add to the conversation, since this is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.

In my mid-twenties, I took control of my life and started running, ended up losing 20+ pounds and running a half marathon. I moved to Okinawa soon after (I was an English teacher) and there I found a mentor, an older man who was a mastergunnery sergeant in the Marine Corps, and he was so impressed with my running he let me run with his platoon in the mornings!

I adored him and Masterguns became like a father to me and my fiance. Later he visited us in Washington, DC and we met his family and spent holidays with them. He wanted us to move to North Carolina, and was trying to find us jobs, but we found work in Tucson and had to move before that happened. I knew that disappointed him.

Meanwhile, I had a baby and stopped running. And gained weight. And more weight. And then some more. Soon I was 40 pounds up, and unable to run the long distances we had enjoyed together, and so I didn’t call him, because I didn’t want him to ask if I was still running, and I didn’t write, either. I was ashamed of myself, so I stopped calling, and writing, and e-mailing, and eventually I didn’t hear from him at all.

This year we decided to go to North Carolina for Christmas, and even though I am still 50 pounds overweight, I knew I couldn’t go to North Carolina without visiting him, so I started looking for his address and phone number online.

I didn’t find them.

Instead, I found something else — an obituary.

While I was afraid to admit my failure and call my dear friend, he died. Not only that, but he died two years ago, and I never knew, because I never called. He had a massive coronary abruption and died instantly sitting in a hospital emergency room.

The last time I talked to him on the phone was seven years ago, when I had to tell him we’d moved, and I had to hear the disappointment in his voice. This is what it means to let fear rule your life. I know he would have still loved me, fat or thin, because I certainly wouldn’t have cared if he’d gained a hundred pounds!

Thanks for the post. These are words to live by: to live life with courage. I can certainly say that it’s better than the alternative.

>I used the â€œnegotiate like youâ€™re someone elseâ€ tactic recently in a small claims mediation. I was SO nervous that I was ready to just give in when I thought â€œHow would my mother handle this?â€ Mom was the toughest gal I ever knew and never seemed to have a moment of doubt that she was right, even when she was dead wrong. I â€œchanneledâ€ her in that mediation room and ended up winning!

Your post reminded me of another saying Iâ€™ve read somewhere â€œFake it till ya make itâ€. As a small business owner, Iâ€™m doing a lot of that.

I remember reading this line somewhereâ€””courage is not to be without fear. courage is doing things despite the fear”. That is how some people are successful, some are not. Those who are successful are not without fear, but they are willing to move forward and take the risk despite being fearful.

This is a really great post. So often, so many of us are scared of doing the littlest things due to the mental cages inside of us. Although it’s in our mind, the cage can be as powerful as a real steel cage.

I don’t know if an introvert can become a standup comedian, but you offer great tips and advice on how to get out of the cage; this post really hit home for me.

Great article, J.D. I recall reading it more than a year ago, but I didn’t move ahead with Yes policy until recently. It’s simple concept, but has already brought forth many positive changes in my life. Sure, there are failures – but as you say, these are great learning experiences.

Though I had implemented the policy of always saying yes, I couldn’t remember where I read this article. So for a while, I would tell people about this long lost blog post that I read, and how it influenced my approach to life. Thankfully, I just found the right words to search for in Google, and so I’m able to comment. Thanks for the advice you shared in this post.

I loved the article! I have a question though. You said “Any time anyone asked me to do something, I agreed to do it (as long as it wasnâ€™t illegal and didnâ€™t violate my own personal code of conduct).” I am engaged and I am not sure how my fiance would react to me suddenly doing random things that would take time away from her and my son. Would you consider her feelings to be a part of the “code of conduct”? Also, you mentioned giving money to a couple things that were asked of you. I am not financially in the position to be able to give out money. I could limit things/hobbies that I spend money on to allow for certain “yes moments”, but would you say that changing parts of my life in that aspect is also in need of change if I consider myself to be living in fear?

Hi,your article is very motivating. I totally agree with what you said ” Recognize that failures and mistakes are not the end. Often theyâ€™re the beginning. If you can pick yourself up after you do something wrong, and then learn from the experience, youâ€™ll be a better person because of it”. I’ll be sharing this post with my colleagues. Great article! Thanks.

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My name is J.D. Roth. I started Get Rich Slowly in 2006 to document my personal journey as I dug out of debt. Then I shared while I learned to save and invest. Twelve years later, I've managed to reach early retirement! I'm here to help you master your money — and your life. No scams. No gimmicks. Just smart money advice to help you get rich slowly. Read more.

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