Freeloading Mother

how do you explain to your mother, whom you live with...heh, that you don't enjoy making cakes for her dozens of friends..and their kids...and their grandkids for free? i almost killed myself making 3 cakes in one afternoon the last time and now she is wanting me to do it again...need a little help....

If you want to be subtle say, "since it is for YOUR friends I will gladly bake if you are willing to be my assistant." After just one afternoon standing on her feet washing dishes she'll think twice about volunteering your time.

Or you can take the direct route. "I wish you had asked me first. I don't have time but I'll let you borrow my pans if you want to have a crack at it yourself." Then leave the house..go see a movie, go the the library or visit a friend for a couple oh hours. Just don't be available she doesn't need to know why.

When the dust settles have a talk with her about boundaries. If she wants you to bake, she needs to ask first before she makes promises and allow you to accept the JOB if you will be paid well AND feel like making yummy goodies. Don't let her take advantage and grind your teeth all night.

Thats so funny..........my daughter in law told me last week I could bake cakes for the school fair and I jumped up and down so happy to have cakes to make......I love to bake........but I have no one to make them for usually.....except on birthdays and holidays......desperate I finally bought cake dummies so I can play with those......I wish I had my mom still ....I would so much love to bake her a cake with lavender frosting her favorite colors and flowers, because she was allergic to real ones.........she is gone. so I can't bake her a cake....its the small things that sometimes mean so much.......how nice it would be to have my mother in the kitchen talking to me while I bake..........now I am melancholy....

Madge...I am sure your mother is right there watching you bake and loving every second of it.

I lost my mom 5 years ago and my dad 11 years ago, both my parents we chefs and weddings for a living with me begrudgingly towed along every single weekend.

I couldn't wait to get away from the "wedding scene" and all it's trappings and vowed I would NEVER work in anything food related (LOL).

Well I start school in September to become a pastry chef go figure huh...but I know my parents are proud of me and watch me when I bake cause half the time I wonder where I get my inspiration from and I think it's them

If your looking for a reason to bake then why not bake your Mom that cake you just described, and when it's finished share it with your family in memory of her

With Mothers Day just gone by, I had to say how much I missed her and wished I could bake her a cake......I know your parents are very proud of you following your dream..good for you.......I think the mother asking for her daughter to make her cakes is proud of her talents and wants to show them off to her friend, and thats really nice. Glad to have you chime in.My family want me to not bake so much, I am making them fat LOL..........so I try not to over do it..........hehe..........I guess Happy Thursday is out of the question hahaha

I can't believe if you live with her that she hasn't noticed yet how much money and time and WORK this is for you. If you want to keep the peace, just let her know that you're happy to make free cakes for the family (IF that's the case), but you really do need to be compensated for cakes for friends and their kids and grandkids. Explain to her how much it costs to make a cake and how much of your time it takes. Maybe she really doesn't realize. My family has just recently started taking my hobby seriously and now pay me for my supplies (all I want from them), this started only after they found out about a cake I made that costed me $80 in supplies. Apparently they just didn't realize.

Just have to say that my Mom lives 1000 miles away from me and is in a nursing home and I wish so bad I could bake her a birthday cake or a Mother's Day cake. I send her pictures of some of my cakes to share with her. One time, I did bake her a Mother's Day cake, took pictures of it, cut a large piece of cake, wrapped it all up and mailed it to her. Cost me an arm and a leg, but she enjoyed it! Don't mean to be a downer, but enjoy your Mom while you can

I would just tell her straight out that you don't like spending all that money and time with nothing to show for it! I would make her be your helper for a day, mix each batch of icing and color it, do all the dishes, etc, etc... while you concentrate on the decorating part!

Madge, I'm sure your mother would appreciate that you are thinking of her and know what kind of cake she would adore.

I feel lucky in that my Mother knows how much work and money goes into my cakes. I did volunteer to make my grandmother's two birthday cakes this past weekend (one for about 30 people, one for about 150) and my Mother arrived one day with a cheque for $60, two 10 inch round carrot cakes, along with a 20kg bag of icing sugar. I was so appreciative of her doing that! In the meantime, she always says "what a nuisance"when I have cake orders (like I was forced to take the cake orders and hate it???), but that's my Mom! lol!!!

Cherish your mom yes, but you don't have to be a doormat to show her you love her. I'd just explain to her that you can't make cakes for everyone who asks for one... especially for free. I'm sure she doesn't understand how much it costs you to make these cakes in time and money. Maybe if you show her the costs involved and have her sit in on a caking session it will drive it home, or maybe she'll love it and want to help or start doing simple cakes by herself.

Either way, you don't have to make cakes for everyone your mom knows. My mom would never in a million years volunteer me to make cakes for anyone. She knows what goes into it... she's bore witness to the havoc caking can bring upon my house. If she needs a cake for something she asks if I can... if not she's cool with that. Your mom's not going to get mad at you if you let her know that her volunteering you for cakes is making your life difficult. She's your mom... she'll love you no matter what right?

I want to know how one person has so many needs for cake I wish I had more customers like that! I can understand what some of the other posters have said about losing their moms and wishing they could bake for them again. But, it seems like this is for more than just your mom, it's her friends and everyone else, too. I think you should just come right out and say, "Mom, I love you and enjoy baking for you. I wish I had time to bake for all of your friends, too, but I need to spend my time baking for paying customers or I'll go broke!" You can't really argue with the bottom line--it's costing you and I'm sure your mom doesn't want that to happen to you.

I think everyone has someone like this in their lives! Sisters, friends, cousins,etc. Cakes can take a lot of time, some take even more than that. And the cost is high. Most people who don't know what goes into making one of these creations at home have no clue about the time and money that goes into them. It gets very frustrating because we are not all made of money. In a perfect world, I would love to be able to donate my time and money to make cakes for those close to me who would like one. But in trying to be realistic, my time to myself is too short, with three small kids. If and when I do find the time to make a cake, I am always amazed at how long it does take! Making the icing, mixing the colors, baking, leveling, filling the cake. And that is before the all the actual decorating! Everyong wants champagne on a beer budget, but that is not fair. It seems to me that the people closest to you, would not want to take advantage of you and your talents. I don't see why you shouldn't be compensated, even somewhat, for your work. I often dream of making said person who wants a cake, drive to the store and purchase all the ingredients and sit there and watch me do a cake. The icing, the cake, the royal icing flowers. I know they would say it takes to much time, too much money! But they come to you because they can't get the same kind of cake from Costco, etc. If you added up all the time spent on a cake and then multiplied that by minimum wage, people still might balk at the price. And that is before the cost of ingredients! That is why I will only bake cakes for my immediate family for birthdays or a religious occassion. I am sorry, but I personally feel insulted that they think I will make a cake to feed 50 for $20. It isn't resonable or fair. Back to the Topic. My mother is gone as well, I love her so much it hurts and miss her everyday. I don't know what being grateful for the time you have with your mother has to do with being taken advantage of. It doesn't make you a better daughter to let her do this to you. It will improve your relationship if you tell her the truth because you won't resent her doing this to you. You should work something out with her if you still feel like you want to help her out. But the best way to honor her, and the enjoy the time you have with her, is to have an honest, resentment free, relationship. Not one where you feel obligated to do things for free. I am sure she is unaware of the true cost and time involved. Make her see and maybe things will change.

I still think, she is showing her daughter off........she is proud of her cakes..........moms are like that, yeah they are.

What do you think OP is your mom this way with all the aspects of you life as it comes to volunteering your time. Does she VOLUNTEER you for EVERYTHING or just cakes. If it's everything I think you need to sit down with her and let her know how much time and money it takes. And if its just cake then she is very proud of your talent and is showing off; so just "kindly" mandate that she help you with the next one (make sure its a doozy) like previous posters have suggested and see how fast her attitude will change...lol

You just said she is your MOTHER not your MIL you are scared of,tell her you cannot bake cakes for free,talent showing or not.She is your MOTHER,i'm I just wicked or what,why should this even be an issue.Now I can understand if she wants a discount every time (that i'll not even take),but FREE FOR ALL. I think it's you allowing it.

Ugh, story of my life. "I need you to bake a cake for my best friend, for your cousin, for this person.. Blah blah blah!" She knows what goes into it because I live w/ her and I take over the kitchen when I bake.. It's insane the amount of space making a cake can take up. She says she'll pay me for ingredients at times, and other times she says I can charge the person full price but that I HAVE to do it for them (so if I'm already super booked.. I just get more overloaded...). Wow... It's my TIME, my precious, precious time that I'm more concerned about.

Like many of you.. I don't just sit around w/ nothing to do. I just graduated college and now am getting my MBA full time which takes up many hours of my time, I work 50+ hours a week in a very demanding job, and also would like to attempt to keep up a social life.. Which isn't really working out since I'm always having to make cakes. My poor BF lives w/ us and is always subject to the dishes and clean up since I'm usually done caking around 1-2am and have to get up for work at 530am. He works too of course so him staying up to do the clean up isn't fair to him either.

I swear my eye is in a permanent state of twitching because of it. LOL. I'm tired! Stressed! Overworked.. But well paid at least.. Lol.

I'd really need to know more of the dynamics of the household before throwing my 2cents in.

Are you a student? Are you working? Are you able to pay mom for living there if you're working? Is mom paying for ingredients?

First and foremost you must sit down and discuss this with her--don't let something like this come between you if it's something you don't want to do. And, I do find it rather harsh to call your mother "freeloading" if you're living with her...

My mom lives with me, and, yes, she does volunteer me to do things on a regular basis because she is very proud of my work. But I talk with her about looking at the ads for supplies on sale, and she now knows what it cost me monetarily and time wise to do a small baby shower cake and a birthday cake in the same week while working full time and taking classes. She also knows I am doing this as a fundraiser. She knows because I tell her. She also accepts it when I tell her when I just don't have the time. I now know that it worked, because she asked if I should do a substitution so it wouldn't take so much money out of what people are donating! (yes, I do set a fair price for my cakes, and then tell them they can use what they paid as a tax donation with the receipt I give them from Leukemia Lymphoma society)

I do agree with some of you, but when my mom asks me to make a cake for one of her friends she always pays me for the supplies or buys them for me. When it comes to immediate family members birthdays I always make their cakes for free because I offer. There is a difference with making a cake for your mother and making one for one of her friends, yes her mother can be proud and show them off but help you out a little. Supplies are costly.

First, try to quickly explain all that goes into making a cake in time & money and frustration (if she doesn't already know by now!).

Next, I would tell her how much it would cost in order for it to be worth your while to make the cakes then give her the option to pay for it herself or have her friend(s) pay you for it. Charge her like you would any other person wanting cake, just give her the "family discount" of course, and be done with it.

If she wants to pay it then great, you're earning money and keeping her happy. If she doesn't want to pay for it then great, you don't have to make a cake at a loss and potentially feel resentful.

Mom needs to know that ingredients cost money and just because you know how to bake and make cakes doesn't mean you'll be doing out of your pocket. So say, "Mom would you be willing to buy the ingredients and help me with the cakes? Hopefully she'll say..... .. hmm...I don't have money for all that and I'm real tired to be making cakes.

There have been times that I've wanted to bake my mother INTO a cake. There, I said it.

But back on topic...If my mother (who I really do cherish dearly and treat very well), were ever to come to me and tell me that she had volunteered me to do anything, I would sit her down and say, "Here's a rule, Mother. If you volunteer me for anything without consulting with me first, I will not feel any compulsion to honor your promise and you'll either have to bake the cakes yourself or go back to your friend and tell them you were mistaken and shouldn't have spoken for me.

I know all kinds of folks have all kinds of relationships with their Moms. And some might not feel comfortable saying this stuff to their Mom. But to me, this is not negative. This is the kind of positive, healthy, loving dialogue that keeps me from acting on that urge to bake her into that cake.

I'd really need to know more of the dynamics of the household before throwing my 2cents in.

Are you a student? Are you working? Are you able to pay mom for living there if you're working? Is mom paying for ingredients?

First and foremost you must sit down and discuss this with her--don't let something like this come between you if it's something you don't want to do. And, I do find it rather harsh to call your mother "freeloading" if you're living with her...

Seems like any topic involving mothers and daughters gets heated quickly - we are such passionate creatures! Kansaslaura has some insightful questions to ponder. If OP's living arrangements are such that she is an adult, paying her fair share of rent/utilities to her mother than she has a legitimate gripe - if, however, she is being asked for cakes in lieu of other financial support then she comes across as an ungrateful twit. The truth is likely somewhere in the middle. Either way - talk with your mom. Resentment makes people harder than old gumpaste.

I guess I am very lucky because my Mom watches my kids while I bake, decorate, and deliver all my cakes. She even helps me bake, I am slowly teaching her to decorate! I would not be able to do anything without her! I think she enjoys it. She knows how much labor is involved making a cake, and would never ask me to do a cake for one of her friends for less that what its worth.