Contractor Jokes

A man hired a contractor to renovate his kitchen

The homeowner said "no way that you are - there is a giant hole in the granite countertop!"

Frustrated with how long the renovation had taken, the homeowner started yelling at the contractor and his assistant, who was standing in ...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh , another from India and the third, from China.

The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well", he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)".

The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figur...

How many contractors does it take to replace a light globe?

Two. One to buy the wrong size globe, and another to replace the existing light fitting to suit the new globe.

A priest hires a contractor to paint his house.

The contractor thins out his paints using water hoping to stretch out his supply, so the final product ends up quite lacking. When the priest confronts him about it, he apologizes and asks if the priest would like him to redo everything.

The priest tells him, "Repaint, and thin no more."

A blonde had just started a job felling trees for a local contractor

When the day was over the contractor visited to see she'd only chopped down one tree. The contractor asked the blonde what was wrong."This saws no good boss, I worked all day but could only do one tree.""Let me take a look"Says the contractor as he starts up the chainsaw. The blonde ...

Did you hear about the contractor who abused the offer for a free kitchen counter top?

He took it for granite.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 guys apply for a contractor job...

A Mexican, a Chinese guy, and an Italian. The job boss says to the Mexican, what’s your estimate for the job? The Mexican replies $150,000. He then says to the Chinese guy, what’s your price? The Chinese man says “I get good deal Chinese steel, $100,000”. He then asks the Italian who says, with a st...

Never hire a Himalayan contractor to work on your house...

I did, and I came home to Himalayan with my wife.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It’s time to redecorate the nunnery and Mother Superior is feeling overwhelmed with supervising all the various contractors. Wanting to save some money, she tasks the 2 newest novitiates with painting the cloister...

The young nuns are inexperienced painters, and they paint slowly and carefully, concerned about getting paint on their habits.

Mother Superior comes to check on them and is dismayed to find by the end of the day they’ve barely painted one wall.

“You’ll need to paint faster ladies, w...

An American contractor puts out a tender for a bridge to be constructed.

Several engineers apply for the job.

The German engineer comes with mechanics and techniques and proposes a bridge to be built for the sum of 20 million dollars.

The Chinese engineer comes, plagiarizes and copies the Germans stuff and after a lot of cost cutting and cheap materials, pr...

What was the only suggestion the orc had for the contractor who built his house?

Mordor

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House...

Donald Trump is looking to paint the White House. He asks Chinese contractors how much they would charge. They say 3 million. He asks European contractors how much they would charge. They say 7 million. He asks Ecuadorian contractors how much they would charge. They say 10 million.

Trump ...

An Indian restaurant hired a contractor to remodel their place...

...They specifically wanted a tan door.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

For the Civil engineers and contractors of Reddit

Coarse aggregate to sand : “How are you?”

Sand : “I am fine”

How many contractors does it take to screw in a light blub?

None, it's a union job.

How many contractors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I'll let you know when one of them calls me back.

Pentagon Contract

A contractor arrives home from Washington, D.C. and proudly tells his wife that he’s gotten the contract to fix a cracked walkway into the Pentagon.

“Two other contractors showed up to bid on the job,” he explained to her. “One was from Minnesota, the other from Tennessee. All three of us wen...

How is the 85 year old Contractor that survived lung cancer doing?

Asbestos he can.

I'm so sorry.

Why aren't Tumblr users good farm contractors?

Because they always take a fence

You must be an Engineer...

(I'm fairly new to reddit, so I hope this isn't an old one.)

A guy is lost on a hot air balloon ride. After some time, he sees a man in a field and lowers the balloon to ask for directions.

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" he calls down.

The man in the field thinks ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this general contractor...

Is working on the 5th floor of a new apartment complex, he takes a measurement then goes to his tools for his handsaw, only to see that it wasn't with his stuff. After looking around the floor a bit he steps onto the half-built balcony to look down at his truck. Lo and behold, his handsaw is sitting...

Did you hear Daft Punk is partnering with NASA to solicit bids from contractors?

They're up all night to get Lockheed.

Contractors don't go to Hell...

They go to purgatory.

Once a week Satan comes down, waves, and hollers, "Guys, don't worry. You'll be out of here next week. I promise!"

What did the cancerous contractor say to his apprentice?

Avoid the insulation asbestos you can.

Why has the ex-NSA contractor not left his house?

He's snowed in.

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House...

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes:

After a while Trump asked theMexican - Why did you ask for 3 million.The Mexican said:-One million in pain...

What was the under-appreciated, often-exploited kitchen contractor's complaint?

I'm always taken for granite!

How many businessmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to find a contractor. Another within the contracted business to buy electrical accident insurance. Another to manage the stock price. Another to organize supply chains of bulbs. Another to deal with inspectors. Another to deal with human resources. Another to schedule jobs. If you're lucky, your b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A failing zoo was desperate to drive attendance.

After much discussion, they finally purchased a gnu from Africa.

In anticipation of its arrival, the zoo built a new exhibit for the hard-to-obtain animal. It was a beautiful indoor/outdoor enclosure and contractors worked diligently to meet the deadline of the animal’s arrival.

Unfort...

A woman makes a complaint at a police station

"Help help officer. I've just been molested by a contractor"

"How do you know he's a contractor?" replies the officer

"Well I had to do 70% of the work myself"

When the zookeepers come in the morning, they find a kangaroo wandering the zoo...

They put it back in its environment, and add barbed wire to the top of the fencing to keep it from jumping out. Yet the next morning once more the kangaroo is found out and about, relaxing near the arctic exhibit.

Perplexed but not perturbed, they return it to its enclosure and call in the c...

The government was seeking for tenders to build a bridge

On Monday, the first contractor had a meeting with the minister.

"What's your quote?" the minister asked.

"$300 million" said the contractor.

"How do you come up with that figure?"

"Well," said the contractor, quietly, "$100 million for you, $100 million for me, and $10...

An older man wanted to surprise his wife while she was away.

As the couple were talking about putting in a fence, they never seemed to commit and get it done. When his wife was away for a weekend getaway with a few of her friends, the husband decided to get the fence contracted out.

The contractor set the posts, and built a nice wooden panel fence in ...

What do you call a protractor that's disagreeable...?

A contractor.

Two oilfield workers from North Dakota were on a trip to South Texas...

They went to sign on with a new drilling contractor when they were pulled over by a State Trooper.&nbsp;

The trooper walked up and tapped on the driver-side window with his nightstick.&nbsp;

The roughneck rolled down the window and *WHACK* - the trooper smacked him in t...

Restaurant contest

Last weekend I went to one of those restaurants where you can see into the kitchen, it was at that weird time between lunch and dinner and the place was quite empty. I could see there was some kind of contest going on between some of the staff.

First I saw one of the waitresses hold up an inc...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I tried to renovate my porn theater

But the contractor told me every wall was load-bearing

What is the square root of Pai?

"To access your calculator's premium features like sine, square and square root, and logarithm, please call to have a contractor install the software"

Graft 101.

A Mayor in a small town is trying to secure bids to repair the town's Main Street Bridge. He finds three contractors - one from Cincinnati, one from New York, and one from Washington, D.C. - and invites them all to town to bid on the job.

The Cincinnati man arrives first, inspects the job si...

(Original) A professor, a construction worker, a biologist, and a doctor walk into a bar.

A professor, a construction worker, a biologist, and a doctor walk into a bar.

First the professor sighs. The bartender asks him what's wrong. The professor says, "As you can see, I'm a professor of philosophy, and today I went in too deep. I was in a lecture and was explaining a particularly...

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Mr. Tilley is running a Christian book store in a strip mall. [Long]

And business is good. The community has been growing, both in economy and spirit, with community centers and parks, factories and research laboratories. A true mecca of modern civilization. Mr. Tilley knows everyone in town, and everyone knows him. When anyone sees him, they smile, wave, and say "Bl...

I, for one, am proud of Donald Trump for paying those hookers to pee on each other.

He finally paid a contractor

Did you hear The Pentagon was actually supposed to be an octagon?

but they hired a government contractor that cut corners

Wrote this one myself (it's a long one but it's good)

There's a man who's decided to redo his bathroom.He's going with an all red theme; red sink, red countertop, red toilet. The whole shabang.He starts first with the red countertop, then he installs the red sinks and toilet, then he finally starts laying the tiles. The ground tiles are lai...

New Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo,.........

Lightbulbs

How many Socialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

*One, as long as it's someone else's bulb.*

How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

*None, the invisible hand of the market will screw it in.*

How many Republicans does it take to screw in a lig...

I would like to buy two cars.

A contractor was dealing with a government official for a multi-million dollar contract. During negotiations he offered the official a brand new car. The official responded angrily ‘Are you trying to bribe me?’‘No Sir’, Answered the contractor ‘I am just trying to sell the car. You pay me $10 fo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

three construction workers

there are three construction workers, an italian, an irishman, and a pollock, all working for the same contractor. the contractor takes a big job downtown building a skyscraper. the job takes years to complete, and over time, the three workers become close friends and make a habit of eating lunch to...

Riding A Dead Horse

Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include,