Five Ways the Saiyuki Boys Will Never End Up At Hogwarts

Summary:

A crack crossover that explores five ways the Saiyuki boys will never end up at Hogwarts.

Notes:

Yes, that is a nod to ShoeBox Project in #2.

No real owls were harmed in the writing of this crack!fic.

Work Text:

1. An owl swoops down, dropping four letters into Hakkai’s lap. The owl perches on a nearby branch, looking expectantly toward Hakkai. The letters are addressed to each of them—Mr. Sha Gojyo, Mr. Genjo Sanzo, Mr. Son Goku, and Mr. Cho Hakkai. Hakkai opens the one for himself and reads.

He squints, positive that this is a mistake of some kind, and then looks up at the bird, still sitting expectantly on the branch.

“I’m sorry,” Hakkai says, “but we’re not British citizens.”

2. McGonogal peered at the young redhead over the rim of her glasses. Never had she seen such a hormonal drive (except perhaps Sirius Black, but thinking of his antics—particularly the amorous advances directed at "McGoogles"—tended to make her want to wash her skin with bleach).

"Yes, Professor?" Gojyo said politely. His smile would be flattering if it wasn't so . . . practiced. Gojyo threw his weight to one hip and pushed back his long hair, his eyes narrowing with a seductive glint.

McGonogal's face flushed as she stepped back, turning on her heel. "Come with me, young man. This school does not appreciate your lecherous uses for magic. Levitating girl's skirts, brewing love potions, charming girls to meet you behind the greenhouses! The headmaster would like a word with you."

"Oh?" Gojyo leaned against the wall, one foot propped up, anchoring himself to the mortar.

"Except for you, of course." Gojyo threw her a wink over his shoulder and sauntered away, hands in his pockets.

McGonogal sighed heavily, muttering, "Why did I agree to work with teenagers?"

3. The owl lands on the open window sill, hooting once to wake the blond man in the bed. Sanzo growls, turns over, and fires 3 shots past the owl, startling it off the window ledge. He snaps the window shut, muttering, "Next time there won't be warning shots."

4. Gonou didn't argue the day a giant came to take him from the orphanage. He simply got on the motorcycle, clutched the woolen jacket of the large man in front of him, and hid his surprise when the motorcycle took flight. Stranger things had happened.

The giant, who introduced himself both as a friend of Gonou's deceased parents and as Rubeus Hagrid, kept up a constant dialogue during the long flight.

"You'll just love Hogwarts," he said. "Best time o' me life, right there. 'Course I wasn't a student there long. But you'll do jus' fine. Not likely to be expelled or anything, not you. There's big plans for you, yes'sir."

Gonou just held tightly to Hagrid's back, squeezing his eyes tightly whenever the motorcycle dipped drastically. Hagrid only laughed and said "It was a bit of turbulence" or "Had to dodge them birds, yeh know?"

By the time they landed, Gonou's fingers had fallen asleep from being clenched for so long.

A brisk woman with a pointed hat and glasses stared down at Gonou as soon as he fell off the motorcycle.

"This is the boy?" she asked in a thick accent.

"Aye," Hagrid replied with a great beaming smile. "Brown hair an' glasses jus' like his dad, green eyes like his mom, eh?"

The woman peered at Gonou's forehead and then finally pushed aside his bangs, her fingers icy on his skin. "He's lacking a certain something," she remarked.

"What's your name then?" The woman's tone softened as she addressed Gonou.

"Cho Gonou," he said.

She nodded firmly. "There's been a little mix up. Hagrid will take you back to where you belong."

"But he's an orphan!" Hagrid argued.

"He's Chinese!" the woman snapped. "He is not Harry Potter!"

Hagrid's face darkened to a cherry red. "Well, could I maybe keep 'im?"

The woman rolled her eyes, turning on her heel. "Take him back where he belongs, Hagrid."

The entire death-defying motorcycle ride back to the orphanage Hagrid apologized; never once blaming Gonou for the mistake, never once saying, "Well, why didn' yeh jus' say yer name was Cho Gonou."

Before Gonou stepped off the motorcycle, Hagrid had one final question, "You wouldn't happen to know anything about dragons, would yeh?" He shook his head and took flight before Gonou could answer.

5. The brown owl swooped over the snowy mountaintops, a letter tied to its leg. Though the owl had never traveled this far to deliver a letter, it knew just where it was going. This letter was a special letter, sent to some lucky young wizard who would soon be enrolled at the prestigious Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Son Goku, perhaps the next great wizard.

The owl spotted its intended recipient and landed on a branch, just over his shoulder. The owl hooted to draw the boy’s attention.

“Woah, cool!” Goku cocked his head to the side, examining the owl. His stomach rumbled.

The owl glided from its branch, landing closer to Goku. Goku approached the owl slowly, crouching down slightly, trying not to startle the bird. The owl hopped closer, holding out its leg, ready to be rid of its burden.

The owl’s eyes actually widened when Goku lunged for it.

* * *

Sanzo grunted as he came over the ridge, drawn by the smoke. Next to Goku’s fire was a small pile of bones, some feathers, and a few shreds of paper. “What was all that?”