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Sunday, August 6, 2017

Feeling Alive

Sometimes, if I hold still for long enough,

or look at something really closely,

or breathe in deep enough,

I can feel myself living.

It’s really hard to explain.

Most of the time, I feel like I live inside my head. There’s a lot of thinking and analyzing and planning for the future, I guess? I exist mostly in my thoughts. For this reason, I end up feeling kind of distant sometimes. Like the world is this thing that I have to actually reach out to in order to interact with. I don’t actually live in it.

Maybe everyone’s brain is like this, whether they write entire blog posts about it or not. Maybe it’s just an introverted, INFJ, writer-penguin-Caroline thing.

Then, there are distinct times when I actually feel….alive.

Usually, it’s a certain smell or image that does it. It’s a little moment of ‘enlightenment’ or awareness that lasts just a second or two.

/ / the smell of rain / /

/ / staring at a forest. a whole forest. / /

/ / the smell of wood and old window sills / /

/ / fall and spring / /

/ / a song you used to know by heart, and maybe still do / /

/ / fresh snow / /

Fall is the best time for this feeling. There’s so much ‘life’ in the air, somehow. Sometimes I can smell Fall as early as late July. It’s like I filter out that little hint in the air, and my soul remembers it and I just get really happy.

Most of the time, it’s a really random thing. Something that gives me sense of nostalgia for memories that make me feel like I’m living in my childhood again, when I didn’t live in my head so much.

I’m not sure why I wrote this post, exactly, other than to put this feeling into words. It came nowhere near capturing the feeling, but I wrote it down anyway. It feels so good to feel...alive.

Do you ever feel this feeling of 'aliveness' or awareness? What's your favorite season - and have you been able to smell Fall yet? I promise I will finish that Identity series soon oops xD(PS I just switched my comment system from Discus to the original Blogger comments, because people were mentioning that it wouldn't let them comment. So please let me know if you have problems with it! I think it deleted lots of old comments on other posts *sad faceeeee* but hopefully it will let more people start commenting again. -.- )

Oh my goodness, I understand this so well. I think that's why I love theatre, because it's the one time that I always feel completely present and alive and there. You put this so well, Caroline, I love it. <3

YES SOMEONE UNDERSTANDS, sometimes it's just this fleeting thing that lasts for only a few moments, a thrill of inspiration and feelings rushing through you and I think you captured it really well even though it's so hard to explain.

AND YES I'M SO EXCITED FOR FALL EVEN THOUGH IT'S ONLY AUGUST and I don't want to wish summer away, I just love the whole feel of fall.

This is such a beautiful post *happy sigh* And I sympathize with being unable to articulate the feeling fully. You did a really good job with this post though! <3 I stepped outside just the other day and literally /froze/ because this cool wind gusted over me. And I whispered, "It's fall." And my dad just kind of laughed, "Hannah, it's barely even August yet." And I just looked at him and said, "I know. But it's coming." And I'm pretty sure he thinks I am a mildly air-headed drama queen but I COULD FEEL IT IN MY BONES.

I definitely get this. I'm also an INFJ. I definitely get moments of aliveness and usually it has something to do with nature. I don't like the season of summer because heat stresses me out, but when I smell fall (which is usually in September here in the good ol south) I feel like I wake up.

I feel this for sure! I think it might be an INFJ thing *INFJ highfive* For me this happens when I think about the past and the people I love and all that God has done in my life and the fact that the sky and trees and music exists. These are the best moments!! :)

Oh my, just discovered your blog and already fell in love! I am so stunned because you actually managed to find a way to describe that feeling I've had all my life long basically - feeling so distant mostly and then, suddenly because of the smallest things, feeling more alive then ever. Great post!