Begin by mixing…mix some old hip-hop with a good drum and bass track to set the mood. Dim the lights. No, don’t turn OFF the lights, dim them. Yes, like that.

“…living in the Gangstaaaaa’s Paaaaaaradise”

Oldie but goodie, am I right? Don’t ever say that. Never say “oldie but goodie”. Nobody says that anymore, so let this be a lesson to you.

Anyways, the recipe.

Take a shot of tequila. Down it. Good stuff. Let’s go.

Pour the sugar into the strawberries. Oh yeah, put the strawberries into a bowl first. Forgot to mention that. Also, wash them. Before. Retroactively wash the strawberries and put them in a bowl, then add sugar.

Take another shot of tequila.

“…jump up jump up and get doooooown!”

Don’t jump. Those were song lyrics. Pay attention.

Strawberries and sugar should now be sitting in a bowl together, mingling and all that. Those crazy kids. Good for them.

A shot of tequila!

Now it’s time to get down to business. Mix vodka and absinthe in a tall glass, 50/50 ratio. 50/50…you know, like, half vodka, half absinthe. Stir them with a wooden spoon. Stir stir stir. Feel the beat. Booooooom, dzhhhh, boom-dzhhhh. Stir to the beat. Bounce to the beat. Step left, step right, spin around. Weeeeeeee. Good times.

La tequilaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! One shot!

“…if you liked it then you should’ve put a riiiiiiing on it, if you liked it then you should’ve put a riiiiiiing on it. All the single ladies, all the single ladies”

What the hell is that?! Change the track. Quick. Wow. Well, that was awkward. What the fuck?! I don’t even know why that was on my playlist. I totally don’t even like that song. Shut up, it’s true.

Well done. I can’t cook without booze and music. Or fights (the televised kind, but it’s fun to watch dudes in the alley swinging at each other too – whatever). People wonder why I’ll stay up cooking for hours – it takes that long to empty a bottle of vodka, not make the salad.