Chavs to be Offered Independence

David Cameron will today announce plans for Chav devolution. An insider told us “we’re not offering full independence yet, like the Scots are getting. It will be more like the Welsh model, where they’ll have a nice building to meet in but no actual power. Maybe we’ll let them hold an annual eisteddfod to celebrate Chav culture, whatever the hell that might look like – pissed bingo, probably.

“We haven’t decided where to locate the Chavs yet. Ironically, Scotland and Wales have a fair few, so one of the options is an abandoned coal mine in South Wales or a Scottish island. That’s one of the reasons for raising it now – if we wait till the Scots have independence they might not let us partition Scotland to house these people. It’s the same reason we’re accelerating our nuclear programme. Another option is to do a swap with Northern Ireland – swap our Chavs for their Unionists, and then hand the lot over to the Irish. Dave reckons they’ll be used to handling binge-drinking layabouts".

One of the challenges facing the Cameron government is the lack of any clear definition of ‘chav’. A recent poll among Conservative leaders showed that 80% thought a chav was “anybody who uses buses”, while 15% ticked the box labelled “chavs are a separate ethnic group and should be returned to Chavistan or whatever it’s called”.

"With the Scots, the Welsh and the Chavs out of the way, we'll just have immigrants and badgers to deal with, and then England will be ours again", said the spokesman.

Chavs are thought to cost the UK Government £21 trillion pa, so the economic advantages of separation are clear.

Like it, though I would look upon Chavs as more of a faith or cultural movement than an ethnic group or nationality (hailing from Chavistan) - perhaps debate that in your article. You could add that their normal places of worship and sustenance (DFS, Iceland, Aldi, KFC) should be protected, and that the Chav economy would wish to retain ownership of Poundland.

Squudge, that is a very good point (and I also love the reference to "retaining Poundland"). I suppose the equivalent debate is whether Travellers / Gypsies / Romanies should be regarded as an ethnic group, a nationality, a race or - to use your phrase - a "cultural movement". Just the thing to get Guardian readers' intellects, social consciences and knickers twisted into knots.

And the next thing we'll have will be Chavistas fighting for their liberation.