Writing begins with a pen and ends with a mural.

Ma mere

People often wonder why I’m not closer with my mother. Why isn’t she my best friend. I have spent much of my social media life trying to not talk about it, didn’t want to air family dirty laundry in public but there is this rumor that I don’t love her or want to be around her. I have to tell you people who believe that then you don’t understand I have spent my whole life trying to have relationships that don’t involve her regardless of all the love I have for her. Why? I will explain.

When young I didn’t have many friends and the ones I did were great. Though all that time never did I hear the words “Why don’t you invite ________ to dinner, movie, or camping?” I had one birthday party with peers my own age. In high school I was 18 and at my first job, of course in a pizza parlor but that is beside the point. I was invited to be with all my work people for a late night snack at one of those all day diners. Called my mom if I could go she said “be home in 20 mins” it took 20 minutes to drive home. I didn’t go and was never asked again. In college she was across the country and I wasn’t. I was able to see and go places with no problems. I learned then what having friends was like, for instance someone who would climb into a trunk of a car with you so I wouldn’t have to be alone and we could all go have dinner together. There are more, like staying up all night together because the other one had too. These things I remember. Before I finished my masters my mom was within a short driving distance. Slowly we visited more and more went lots of places together and then it started again. We got into a big argument because I went into town to talk with a friend during a extended week family reunion, I got back and she threatened to disown me if I left again my brother smiling at our conversation, enjoyed every minute of it. Then last year I called and she asked if I had “made any friends where I am” and I told her “no” and she giggled slightly as she said “good” as if she had something to do with it and was very excited about it. So what did I do during this time growing up with pretty much only my mother I lived in what I termed sometime since that last phone call Lala Land, I know it was just a coincidence that movie came out with the same title. Though somehow I will probably never make it because coincidencly also the movie No Rules Apply occurred not that my life was or is in movies because then I would be crazy. So to my family possibly expecting me home, I will be home in 20 minutes as soon as I figure how. Don’t worry mom I still haven’t made any friends for I know I am not allowed.