JON CARROLL

Published 4:00 am, Monday, April 18, 2005

So there was a story in Thursday's edition of this very paper. The headline was: "New SAT format prompts more questions than answers." Subhead: "Students unsure what scores mean for college hopes." The first few paragraphs told the sad story of someone who got 1800 on his SATs and pretty much panicked because it used to be that 1600 was the highest score you could get.

Wherever over-geeky conversations abound, people will ask, "What did you get on your SATs?," which means they want to tell you what they got on their SATs, which was almost certainly 1600.

Now here's the thing. Everyone in the relevant communities knew that the SATs were going to change this year. There were going to be three sections with 800 possible points each. So that would mean that a perfect score would be 2400, yes? So, if you want to know how your score translates approximately to the old SAT score you divide by three and multiply by two.

This is not a complex mathematical task. I know that because I figured it out, and I am not exactly Mr. Math. The fact that the confusion is so widespread as to rate a front-page news story makes me just a little uneasy. Didn't this get covered back when Jimmy had three pies and he needed to divide them evenly among five friends?

Maybe Jimmy does not exist in the math curriculum anymore. Already, I find, I am way behind the curve on reading. I thought I'd be able to teach the World's Most Perfect Grandchild a little bit about reading, because it's one of the few areas of life in which I excel. I can read until my eyes fall out and never break a sweat.

But, alas, no. A note came back from the nursery school -- please do not teach your children the alphabet, it only confuses them. We're supposed to sound out words now. Out is "B"; in is "Buh." Out is "S"; in is "Sssss." Cuh- ah-tuh. Cuh-ah-tuh. Cat! See, this will prepare them for life. We're all hooked on phonics now.

We were over at WMPG's friend Phoebe's house. We were in the bathroom, and in front of the sink was a stool with the word "Phoebe" on it. So cute. WMPG pointed to the stool. "Does that say Phoebe?" she asked. She was using context. Such a clever child. Notify the Nobel committee.

I started to talk about how the "ph" spelling comes to us from the Greek (I had apposite examples at my fingertips), but then I realized that I was using the bad old discredited pedagogy. "So sound it out, sweetie," I said.

"Puh," she said.

"Well, usually yes, but in his case the 'puh' goes with the 'huh' and makes a 'fuh.' " She looked at me as if I had gone mad. "OK, a PH in English usually sounds like an F. It just does. So go on."

"Oh, ee," she said. The vowels, of course, sound like themselves. Except for U. Is U really even a vowel? If it weren't for "ululate," would we even need a U? What does phonics do with a diphthong? Is this advanced phonics? I miss Jimmy and his pies.

"Well, right, except in English this sounds like the second letter, like an E. Ee. There are lots of words like that, like -- " and here's my advice on this matter: Never start a sentence if you don't know where it's going to end. The only example I could think of was Moet Champagne, which is so very wrong in so many ways. "OK, Fuh-ee. What's next."

"Buh, ee." She said dubiously.

"Hooray," I said. "Buh-ee. So fuh-ee-buh-ee. All you have to do is sound it out, except for that PH sound and the two vowels in a row because" another sentence ending at a cliff. I suddenly wondered what happened to "I before E except after C or when sounded as A as in 'neighbor' and 'weigh.' " Is that now forbidden in the classroom? Are we all "huh-aa-puh-puh-ee buh-ii-er-tuh- huh-duh-aa-ee to you"?

I know there are answers to these questions. I know I am merely the voice of reaction. I know this because kids are reading better than ever now thanks to -- wait, kids aren't reading better than ever now. En-oh-tuh. But there are cultural reasons for this. Population pressures. Puh-huh-oh-en-ii-kuh-sss are not responsible.

"You want to go back and color with Phoebe?" I asked. "I think Lura has some salami." WMPG is crazy for salami. We ended the noble experiment right there. From now on, I'm all about horsies.

I can do the math, but I have not finished the reading. I'm reading a poem by Ee-em-ii-luh-ee Duh-ii-kuh-kuh- ii-en-ss-oh-en. It's a real short poem, but it's taking a real long time. Next up, the Ii-el-ii-aa-duh.