Monday, October 20, 2014

Published Sept. 16th

We seem to have lost all sense of common sense as we see
a huge debate raging on whether or not to practice the left hook on the wife
and beat the living daylights out of the kids. Common sense would tell one that
neither of those activities stands a chance of turning out well. I suggest
potential victims put cameras in the home wired to a security company. If two
folks are spitting and fuming on a public elevator only God knows what’s going
on at the house. As for the Middle East, it’s like watching that old game show,
“Who Do You Trust”. And while I was going to make a prediction on Israel vs
Hamas for the Middle Eastern Championship it seems we have a winner, Israel,
and a loser, Jimmy Carter. Seems the more things change, the more they stay the
same. I don’t claim to have a degree in whatever one studies to be an “expert”
in foreign affairs but I do know you do not mess with God’s people. As for the
other issues over there, the only good news is watching the Fox News girls talk
about it. “I have lusted in ma’ heart” but learned a lot about the price of
oil. Well, enough of that. Let’s talk about something that affects us all,
something closer to home and that would be the “floater” (s). Not what you
think. A true floater is something that can wreck your confidence, your sleep,
your marriage, and your sanity and I’m sure Middle Eastern folks have these
things as well as seen through the burqa.

Maybe that’s something we can have in
common besides a love of rocketry and explosives. The floater can appear at any time but
prefers a little light with a little black background. When conditions are
right, the floater can appear as a spider, ant, Uncle Bob, or Aunt Jesse. It
can drift across the eyeball at a most inopportune time and disappear somewhere
in the corner of the eye only to reappear when least expected. Floaters can
appear as gnats or mosquitoes when you’re playing golf and about to drain the
big one for a dollar. I once watched a reputable three handicapper swat a
floater and miss a three foot putt in one of those fundraising golf
tournaments. He asked for a “do-over” on
the putt and was handed a can of bug spray. But seriously, it cost him a
dollar. The after bedtime floater can appear as a mouse on the venetian blinds
or a large spider on the pillow. I’ve been sleeping with the same person for
thirty-four years off and on with the floater only recently entering our
boudoir, a place reserved for those special nights that one cannot remember
without hypnosis. We generally sleep soundly after “Words with Friends” which
we play against each other (she likes to keep four games going at the same time
so she can beat me “really good”), separated by a pillow and whichever dog
decides he/she can claim the middle of the bed. Sleep eventually comes and the
floater enters my side of the bed around one or two in the morning, and hangs
in the air above the wife and dog.

I don’t have any idea how long this thing is
hanging there before I sit up, drugged with sleep aids, but he’s large, agile,
threatening and his web seems to extend to D.C. where I’m sure they have their
share of illusions. I seem to be the only person/pet in the room that can see
this thing and so I grab the wife and scream some incoherent nonsense while
holding her down for protection (mine). If the thing is going to get anyone
it’s going to be her and I don’t want her going anywhere. She then treats me
like the fool I am for thinking there could possibly be a large spider hanging
over the bed and asks if I’ve had a Tylenol PM or what! She knows when I take a
couple of those on a full supper pre-bedtime, all bets are off. Throw in a
glass of wine or three and Katy-bar-the door! Getting up to relieve the old
prostate is a day at the beach compared to fighting the floaters on sleep aids.