This is not fiction.
straight-talking, forward-thinking, lover of many things master of one: myself.

Monday, 22 February 2010

depression is not shameful.

Hello! Hello! How are you? I feel as though I’ve been really lazy recently. With regards to writing posts anyway. You see, the thing is I’ve been really active after work, meeting people (some people would call this ‘having meetings’) about things that I am trying to do with regards my future. Some people would call this ‘discussing projects’. I feel a cock using either of those expressions.

Amongst other things I’ve been to meet with a few charities over the past 2 weeks, to decide which one I’d be most suited to volunteer for. I told you about the mentoring? Well, I’m definitely up for that! I’m not just waiting for my CRB check to come through and then I’ll meet the mentee... Mentee is a weird word, eh? I thought it was made up when I first heard it. But no, apparently a mentor guides a mentee, so there amigos! Yep, it’s going to be good to offer a hand of kindness to a young woman that is struggling with life. If she wants to take it that is. Hey, it’s not that I’m some sort of bloody life coach or anything, god, no! But I have seen a thing or fifty – felt more than I wish to have - and survived it all with a strong sense of integrity intact and many lessons learned. So as far as I’m concerned, if someone thinks I could be of benefit to another person who perhaps needs an ally in their camp – then I’m here.

Blue and I are back on track. We’re in love and showing each other again. I’m convinced the regularity of our up and down periods are too common for good health. People surely don’t go through such regular mood swings with a partner do they? If this really is the case – I’d rather be single. I would. I’ve been involved with Blue for 7 months now and there is an emotional pattern which is quite acute. It cannot be hidden.I’m also convinced that My Blue is suffering from depression. You know something? Both Blue and I got clean of drugs and alcohol via the 12 Steps of Alcoholics/Narcotics Anonymous, and within that community there is a feeling that to accept prescribed medication from a doctor for such things as depression, is a cop-out. It’s paramount to a relapse. Ok, some of the literature suggests that it is acceptable – but the people within the rooms give you the feeling that this is wrong. To hell with that. Getting medication for depression was the best thing that I ever did to help myself (outside of rehab) It helped me to clamber onto life’s ladder. My only regret was that I didn’t do it sooner. Don’t get me wrong, the 12 Steps saved me and helped me get the balls to face trying to construct a whole new life after rehab – but the negative feelings within the AA & NA meetings surrounding the use of prescription medication leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I understand that some people would abuse these drugs, then still claim to be clean and such claims would ruin the fabric of the whole institution of Alcoholics Anonymous and that would be wrong - so it's better to really try to put people off using them, but fuck! didn't I struggle already enough throughout my life?? Don't I deserve a fucking break?

Blue really struggles at times and is reluctant to get help from the doctor, so what am I meant to say? “ Go on sweetie, go get some pills down ya?” Of course not. No one can decide for someone else what the correct course of action is to treat their anxieties and dark periods. You can advise, give your thoughts, but enforce ones opinion? That’s not my style. But today – there has been a turning point and I am filled with hope that Blue’s life will become a little more balanced – and in turn that means that mine will too.Yippeeee!!