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Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Greyhawk Comic Rewind: Waldorf

Hey all, let's have a look at one of my favorite classic Greyhawk comic strips from 2007 featuring the Dragon Magazine legend, Waldorf. Back in the mists of D&D prehistory, people had to write actual paper letters and send them by pony express to the editor to have them published in the forums of the magazine. Often if the letter was outrageous enough other people would write letters about your letter! Internet forums just don't have the same zing as a nice character debate done in print. Check it out...

Here is the editor's responses to the famous Waldorf letter(in italics), followed by a deluge of other equally wacky letters that came in response to Waldorf's. This is classic Dragon Magazine comedy:

Of course. However; you forgot to enclose a self-addressed stamped envelope. We regret that Waldorf must lose the experience points and gold for his victory.

Dear Dragon: My friends and I have been playing the AD&D game for over six years now. Our major characters have levels in the millions, maximum scores for almost every ability, and can obliterate five planes of the Abyss in a round. We have moved on to other games and have developed other major characters in those games. We have created creatures that are barely a challenge for our characters. After a while, role-playing got boring. I haven’t played for about two months. I would like to know how I can have fun with these high-level characters.

Perhaps you should meet Waldorf.

Dear Dragon: Stop making your game. I killed all the monsters.

All but Waldorf.

Please tell Waldorf that I have successfully completed making my savings roll, and ask him how much damage I took from the atomic bomb.

P.Y.No address given, but we assume it was Greyhawk

My character, “Fist” Xavier Redlance, has become ultimately powerful. . . . He owns three or four completely paid-for and fortified castles. He and his mount, a 14-HD cloud dragon (“Phantom ”), could wipe out Tiamat in one round of combat, or obliterate five tarrasques or even Waldorf. He is a 60th-level knight/23rd-level bard/23rd-level druid/l4th-level illusionist. . . . His two weapons are a mounted Dragonlance and a + 6 two-handed holy avenger. He is also psionically imbued. Tell Waldorf that not all of the planet was obliterated. “Fist” Xavier has two of his castles completely surrounded by granite (i.e, they’re three miles underground). The one thing he hasn’t done is design a device to clean up postexplosion radiation, but he is currently working on the problem. He can come out because his armor is resistant to just about any substance known to man (or Waldorf).

Travis FoxVirginia Beach VA

Recently, my AD&D® game character, Mirv the Outrageous (a 360th-level mage who had developed long-range space travel and left his home in the Forgotten Realms) discovered a small barren world. There were only a few inhabitants on it, on a 3 x 4-mile island with a castle. After infiltration, Mirv and his comrades discovered the castle’s name: Castle Waldorf. Beneath the castle, working in a salt mine, were the deities of the realm. What a horrible fate. So Mirv and his friends returned to their ship and destroyed all of the remaining life on the island through the use of saturation bombing (phosphorus and antimagic bombs) and Mirv’s favorite spell, power word nuke, a tenth-level spell. They then returned to the island in radiation gear and liberated the poor gods who, due to their lives among the stars, were immune to radiation at ground zero. Unfortunately, the owner of the isle was standing directly at ground zero when Mirv’s spell hit. We truly mourn his loss.

Jake LovellLouisville KY

I was a little disturbed when I read the letter about Waldorf in issue #137. Well, it just so happens that my 421st-level magic user, Alkeronus, was in outer space for the last year and just decided to come back to Greyhawk. Alkeronus was, of course, ticked off, so he decided to destroy Waldorf and his castle. With his supreme power, Alkeronus made the sun go supernova, which completely disintegrated the planet. Waldorf is dead, and I expect the character to never be used again. Waldorf, you should have known better than to mess with Alkeronus'’s alehouse!

Wade BeckmanSioux Falls SD

We regret to inform Waldorf the magic-user that he is in eternal servitude to Shamogroth Darkmane, a 511th-level Krynn minotaur barbarian and his 89-person barbarian horde. Shamogroth was on his home plane avenging the destruction of his original barbarian tribe, so he was absent during the holocaust. Unfortunately for Waldorf, Shamogroth returned to his home forest to see that it was devastated. Shamogroth then searched for the only safe place on Oerth to return from the Border Ethereal: Castle Waldorf. By now, Mr. Darkmane was very steamed (and a little hungry), so he and his group of barbarians (ranging in levels from 100 to 300) plundered the castle and destroyed it and all within, save Waldorf and the deities. Shamogroth released the gods, who promptly did away with Waldorf’s power by exposing him to a little Negative Material plane torture, then repopulated Greyhawk. Shamogroth is now an epic hero and is watched over by the good and kind gods, and Waldorf is now chained to the bottom of the Valley of Eternal Pain, created by Shamogroth and his divine friends. Sorry, Waldorf.

James Collins &Jason RossWoody CA

In response to this so-called wizard Waldorf’'s recent letter, I will not send my character sheets to Mr. Waldorf, simply because I am the most powerful being in Greyhawk. Maybe you have heard of me: I call myself the Dungeon Master. And just let me say that I’ve been getting pretty annoyed with Waldorf lately, so watch it!

D.M.Spotsy VA

My 1st-level assassin from Waterdeep in the Forgotten Realms was teleported to the world of Greyhawk. He survived the dangers of radiation with his suit of + 5 radiation-proof leather armor. He sought out Waldorf’s castle and made it into the throne room while wearing his cloak of elvenkind, then shot Waldorf with his blowgun and a needle of slaying cheaters doused with Type A cheapo poison he bought at the Waterdeep Assassins’ Guild. Waldorf dropped with one shot. My assassin then freed all the gods under the castle, and they have started to repair and rebuild the world of Greyhawk. I think that for this deed all the people at TSR, Inc. need to send me a written thank you....I also think Waldorf should mail me his character sheet and list of possessions and magical items, so I can total the experience points for my new 14th-level Guildmaster Assassin.

Chris Bishop and Trent OcobockYakima WA

Here is your “thank you.” The editors also wish to thank Bloodstone of Furondy (a 386thlevel magic-user) for decapitating Waldorf with a sling, Natricia (a 394th-level magic-user/214thlevel fighter/296th-level cleric) for recreating Greyhawk and challenging Waldorf (“as his damage was such a bother to fix”), Oharan Morshall (“The Drow From Below” who replaced Lolth) who suggested polymorphing Waldorf (“Waldorf Slaad has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”), and all the other characters (and players) who wrote to us.

Live long and prosper.Dragon #173

Dear Dragon, Recently, Parevé Dotrose (a 564th-level magic-user and 34th-level illusionist) teamed up with Megahnan Whitewolf (a 567th-level mage of high sorcery) to perform the greatest deed of 1991: the great resurrection of Waldorf, king of the nuke! Parevé and Megahnan traveled to the Realms by way of spelljamming and sought out the cleric known as Darklight Moonbeam. They were escorted to Moonbeam’s temple by a fleet of toxic dragons and welcomed by Darklight himself. After a nice dinner, Darklight allowed them to gaze upon his most recent creation: a wand of Waldorf resurrection +36. Needless to say, the two mages were speechless. Megahnan convinced Darklight to help in the plan to bring Waldorf back to the land of the living. So, Darklight gathered up his gear and his merry band of 100 kenders in order to depart on a great adventure.

After Darklight had used the wand (and the kender band had “found” all of the things there were to “find”), Waldorf was resurrected. But Waldorf had become a lich! The wand had malfunctioned and just happened to cast a spell that transformed the nuclear man into a mean and nasty undead. Of course, Waldorf wanted revenge on his enemies, who had seemed to come out of the woodwork to kill him. Thus, Parevé, Megahnan, Hanibal the Minotaur (46th-level warrior), and Nicodemis (20th-level sage) wandered the multiverse, slaying the enemies of their lich leader. The first to fall was “Fist” Xavier Redlance. Megahnan polymorphed Xavier’s pet cloud dragon (14 HD) into a salamander and swallowed him whole. Next, Megahnan broke Redlance’s holy avenger +6 with the ancient hammer of Kharas, then finished him off with a 46th-level bolt of plasma.

Next, Megahnan used his ring of Mirv finding to locate the human known as Mirv the Outrageous. Megahnan quickly coughed on Mirv’s band, infecting them with the horrid “burning fever” from the DRAGONLANCE® saga, then turned to face Mr. Outrageous himself. Megahnan won the first attack and slew Mirv with one hit from his sword of infinite slaying.

Thirdly, Hanibal captured Shamogroth Darkmane while Parevé killed Darkmane’s band of 89 barbarians with his newest 42nd-level spell, spirit rollingpin. Darkmane fought Hanibal and killed Nicodemis (who was along for the fun) in the process. Hanibal became mad and ran Darkmane through with a footman’s dragonlance. Shamogroth died a coward, screaming for his mommy.

Lastly, Waldorf, Hanibal, and their new slave, Thor (mentioned in issue #152) killed the hundreds of other characters who dared to try to challenge Waldorf in 1989. To top it all off, Waldorf and his new twin dragon steeds, Tiamat and Takhisis, fought a hard battle with the powerful being known only as “Dungeon Master.” Of course, Hanibal was there to help in the battle, so the DM died also. So, now that Waldorf lives again, he will begin to control, mold, and shape the world of Greyhawk as he wishes.

I sorta knew this would happen, sooner or later.Dragon #177

Dear Dragon, I have had it with Waldorf and the 100 + level campaign. I’m stuffing a hammership with nilbogs and ramming Waldorf’s castle. If I act fast, I can catch all of his demi-followers at the victory celebration. The nilbogs will convert all the damage they take into hit points and wipe out the survivors. The End (I hope!).

Waldorf the Archmage (CN human male, Wizard 1, hp 1) is the 64 year old owner of the Roc and Oliphant Tavern. "Waldorf is notorious for his tall tales, most of which allegedly concern his past life as a deity. (He says he was eventually thrown down and made mortal by other jealous gods after a great battle in space.)He is a master storyteller for a failed wizard, and his grandiose but straightforward lies are the envy of all."

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