tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-85566301724625841012018-03-07T16:28:12.399-05:00Angels in HeavenJannoreply@blogger.comBlogger96125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-52792083466276358872014-09-02T01:32:00.001-04:002014-09-02T01:32:27.249-04:00Feels like the movie Groundhog Day<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>My life well I should say life I should say my left leg makes my life feel like the movie Groundhogs Day. If you remember the movie Bill Murray relives the same day over and over again, unlike the movie though my outcome never changes. Went to a cook out yesterday for the end of summer at one of my best friends house. It was great seeing all of my friends again, and all of their children playing and having fun, but it also made me sad. Carley should be here. I should have done more to make sure she made it and had a chance at life. I should have done what all parents would do for their child is give their own life for their child. I should have not listened to anyone and done what I wanted to do which was deliver her. I could have just waited and let my body done the natural thing. My body may have been able to keep in her in longer and she may have had a chance. But instead I listened to my ex husband who wanted me to have the surgery and just get this over with and behind us.&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>That was one of the most stupid things I have ever done was not stand up for my child. I don't think I ever did stand up for my children to him. After I left him he tried to talk to me about our children and bought me a necklace with her name on it, but it was all for show. He got mad at me the night he gave me the necklace bc I didn't cry when he gave it to me. Well hell it had been 2 1/2 years and he had never spoke her name or even&nbsp;acknowledged her, hell he even told me it was stupid for me to name her. I still carry a lot of anger towards him for the things he said to me, how he made me feel about myself. But I just have to try to rebuild myself esteem and move on.&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>You know how people say in time it will get easier.... Well that statement is a crock of shit. It has been almost 5 years and it still hurts just as bad as it did when it happen. The hurt, the longing, the dreams, the missed&nbsp;opportunities that I will never experience with my children. Nobody every says her name, nobody ever speaks of her, when I do they all just stare at me and someone will change the subject very quickly. That hurts, it hurts when those you love just act as if she never existed. It hurts when all of your friends are sitting around talking, giving advice to each other. Hell went to a baby shower and you had to write down and give the new parents to be advice.... when I got up there I just didn't even write anything down. What advice am I going to give... That was hell 5 months ago and I still think about it.&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>See that is something that I am good at thinking, and remembering. I have nothing going on in my every day life. My life&nbsp;consists of nothing but pain physical and emotional. My health or I should really say my left leg that runs my life is shitty. I wake up in pain, I move I am in pain, I lay still I am in pain, I try to sleep I can't because I am in pain. I take the meds that they&nbsp;prescribe&nbsp;for me&nbsp; and they do&nbsp;absolutely&nbsp;nothing. When you life consists of nothing but pain every single moment you often think what the hell did I do to deserve this. I often feel I just wish I could go back 5 years and maybe the Dr's would have told me the full results, if that would have happened I doubt I would have had a blood clot and I would have never gotten pregnant with Carley and her twin. I wouldn't be in pain every single day, I would still have been in a shitty marriage that should have never happen to start with but hey you live and learn.&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>It is amazing how we walk around in our life with blinders on, or rose colored glasses and we have no clue. Well I shouldn't say we have no clue because in the back of our minds we do we just choose to not pay attention to it. I sure didn't!!! But when I did I shake my head at all the things that I choose to overlook or make excuses for.&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Maybe that is why God didn't let my children live, bc I wasn't good at making choices, or God knew I wouldn't be a good mother and just choose to ensure my children didn't have to go through living with me and me making bad choices for them. Hell I know in my heart that God did the right thing. I would suck as a mother, hell I proved that the moment I didn't stand up for my child... God did what was best and he made damn sure I would never be able to have any more children and allow them to die the way Carley did...&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Yep he was right.........</i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-43904688440887816892014-08-12T02:30:00.001-04:002014-08-12T02:30:27.697-04:00I am Back<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>My Dear Carley,</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I am sorry that I have not written on here in over a year. I have felt as if I still couldn't write on here due to the divorce. Your father and I are divorced and I feel as if I have been freed. I am no longer scared to talk about you, I am no longer scared to speak my mind, I no longer feel as if "My Life" is controlled by someone else. I am FREE. I am free to do and go as I please, I am free to speak my mind about whatever it is I want to say, I am free to talk to you and to remember you in any way I feel. I no longer have to find my feelings. I hate that the relationship ended but in a way I am happy it did. I am no able to go and do things in my life that I thought I would never do, experience things that I only dreamed of. I am so happy with my life now.</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Don't get me wrong there are still things that I fight with every single day. I still dislike a lot that I am unable to work, my leg has gotten increasingly worse in the last year. Doctors are not sure what is going on other than my clots are still present and I still am suppose to lay flat most of my day. The swelling gets bad now, and the pain well I can't even put into words what that has been like. I lie in bed most nights just praying that pain will stop and God grants me my wish and allows me to sleep. Not as much as I am sure I should get, but I get enough. I go back to the Dr in September my schedule got off when I was hospitalized for a week in February. That was a hell of a week, it is all a blur really. But one thing that was different from any other time I was in the hospital was your Grandmother didn't have to stay and take care of me, someone who is very special to me did. It was my boyfriend Michael. He took off work stayed with me, helped me, did everything for me basically. He held my hand when I was in pain, he wiped my tears, and told me everything was going to be okay. He stepped in when I needed him most and not once has he ever made me feel bad about how I am.</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>He is special to me. He makes me feel alive, he makes me feel whole even though I feel I am not. He doesn't judge me or hold my health and other things against me. He protects me, he loves me, and he lets me talk about you whenever I want. He remembers your Angelversary, he remembers your due date. He doesn't make me feel bad about you, he supports me in every way shape and form. Don't get me wrong we are not wealthy with money, but we are wealthy in appreciation of each other. He appreciates what I do for him even the small things, and I do the same of him. He takes care of ME, something I have never really had before. I don't mean in money, or gifts, or anything material. He supports me emotionally something I have never experienced.&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>It was scary at first, I didn't know how to be. I was scared to speak my mind, to not do everything the way he wanted it when he wanted it. He picked up on that and told me that I was suppose to be me. I had thoughts that I should speak, I had things I wanted to do and should go and do them, if I want something and I have the money buy it, I didn't need to ask for permission. He makes me feel like I am an adult and I can make my own decisions. And that is so true!!!</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I have been on a cruise, I have gotten a tattoo (which it is for my angels with your name), I have been on a family vacation with my love attending (which was a first). I have had so many first with him, I have someone who will go with me to family functions, friend function, church, anything and everything. I have never attended a Dr's appt alone, he has attended them all. He loves me for me including all of the emotional baggage that comes with me. I feel honored, blessed, and amazed at how someone could love me like this.&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I want to make you proud of me Carley. I want to show you that I am the strong Mom who put everything she had into bringing you into this world, but God had far better plans for you. God gave me a gift that has taken me awhile to figure out. He gave me the gift of strength. He gave me you and your siblings, he gave me my clot, he gave me a bad marriage all to show me that I am strong and I am a fighter and I will not go down easy. It is a daily struggle not to just waste away and feel sorry for myself, and I take it day by day and night by night. I Thank God for you baby girl and I hope that I am making you proud as you watch from above. I will be back, I will not let people stop me from this blog. IF they read it then they read it. For I speak to you My Angels in Heaven.&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Mommy Loves you very much and misses you all every single minute of the day and night.</i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-12278788610575332402013-04-11T04:07:00.000-04:002013-04-11T04:07:27.374-04:00Why I have been gone<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Well I know I have been gone a long time from here Baby girl. But Mommy felt as if she couldn't write on here anymore once your father found out about this website. You see your father and I have split. When he found out about this blog he printed it off and read it and then turned the things that I have wrote to you on here around to hurt Mommy. So I had to stop writing on here. But you know what. I was the one who carried you, I was the one to&nbsp;mourned&nbsp;for you in private and publicly and I feel that I should NOT have to hide my thoughts and feelings about you from anybody.&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>You know I will never forget my babies that I lost, I will never forget how much I would LOVE to have them here with me, how I long to hold them and kiss them, tell them how much I love them. I would love to be able to wipe their tears when they cried, fix them their favorite food, tuck them in at night, and just to be able to know that yes I am a Mother... I don't write on this blog because I haven't accepted the fact that I will never be a Mother, or because I haven't accepted the fact that my babies are in Heaven, I write on here because this blog is what HELPED me ACCEPT.&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>It helped me accept that my children died, and that I will never be a Mother. It really hurts me when people say that I haven't accepted the death of my children. Well first of all when your children pass away you are never the same person that you once were. A piece of you goes with them to heaven. I became a mother as soon as the stick showed 2 lines. I understand that for him it wasn't the same. I understand that men don't feel they are fathers until the child is born. But MY BODY is what gave my children life, MY BODY is where they had a heart beat, I felt them kicking, I was the one sick with nausea, and had all of the emotional emotions from being pregnant. &nbsp;I feel that it is so wrong for someone to say that because I like to write on a BLOG that helped me heal and accept that my children where gone, tell me that because I write on here and the things that I write about they feel as if I HAVEN'T ACCEPTED MY CHILDREN DEATHS....&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Well first off I feel that those people (really it is just one person but I will not say who it is so I will just refer to them as people) never really accepted that I was pregnant and I was a Mother in the first place. Second those people where not present in any way, shape of form when I lost my children so they have no idea what it was like for me to wake up surgery and have them gone, have to go and pee in a toilet and see all the blood and know that my baby was gone and not there any more. They have no idea the hurt, pain, disappointment and guilt that I carried in my head and heart because MY BODY couldn't protect my babies and bring them to life here with me. Now that I have found out why MY BODY couldn't do that it makes sense. I have ALWAYS had &nbsp;gut feeling that I would never be a mother. I had told my ex this several times, my mothers, my best friends, and nobody believed me.&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I can't really explain why or how I knew I just did. I knew when I found out I was pregnant the first time that I wasn't going to loose that baby. Everybody told me that I was not going to and just needed to think positive. They were also the same people who told me when I lost the baby that "something must have been wrong with the baby, and it was my bodies way of saving the baby and me from going through something terrible." Well I guess they didn't consider that&nbsp;loosing&nbsp;the baby was TERRIBLE. They are also the same people who have NEVER had a miscarriage saying these things. They wanted to get pregnant and have a baby so they tried and got pregnant and had the number of children they wanted. They did have to be told "I am sorry but you can't have children." Why do people try to empathize with someone over something they have NEVER went through themselves. If you have never went through the loss of a child DON'T TRY AND SAY YOU UNDERSTAND or act as if something was WRONG with my baby. Only God knew the reason as to why my babies needed to go to heaven and not be here with me.</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I wish every single day that I really knew the reason why GOD choose me to have all of these&nbsp;obstacles&nbsp;to overcome in this life. Everyone likes to tell me that I am very strong person to overcome and handle everything that has happen to me in my life. Well I don't feel as if I am strong. I struggle to look positive on this life I have but it is the only life I will have so yes I have to accept the things that have happen to me and move on. I can't wallow in my short comings. If I did that I would never get out of bed in the morning (even though some days it is really&nbsp;difficult to do with the pain I have in my leg). &nbsp;I would never want to be around my friends when they are pregnant, I would never want to be around kids period. But I am not that way. I know that I will never have children or be a mother and I have ACCEPTED IT!! No matter what anybody says I know in my heart that I have. Does that mean that I don't think of my children and miss them every single day of my life, NO it doesn't.&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I feel in my heart and my mind that if I never thought of my children, wished, and longed for them to be here with me then I never cared for them in the first place. Every Mother or parent of a lost child has those very same wishes but that doesn't mean they haven't accepted their child's death it just means that THEY ARE A PARENT and they loved there child more than anything..... "EVEN IF IT NEVER TOOK A BREATH" outside of there mother!!!!</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>So to my Children Mommy loves you and Misses you every single day. I know that one day I will see you again. Until then I know you are in the best place in the world, you are in Heaven with GOD and you are in My Heart FOREVER!!!!!!&nbsp;</i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-4871816419997305252012-10-23T23:03:00.001-04:002012-10-23T23:03:37.212-04:00sigh.......<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>You know everyone has a point they reach in there lives to where enough is enough.... Just how to do you know exactly when you have reached that point... I wish that I could just not care what people thought of me and just live my life for me and FOR ME ONLY!!!!!!</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>But I try so hard to please EVERYONE!!! I just want to be happy in this So called life I have to live... If I am not happy what is the point in LIVING!!!!!</i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-23176321445002745422012-10-15T10:50:00.001-04:002012-10-15T10:51:20.289-04:00October 15th Remembrance Day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Dr4kK_oBZTE/UHwi33x30yI/AAAAAAAAAH0/2r45kpVrdAg/s1600/665811_436440036412591_25512018_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Dr4kK_oBZTE/UHwi33x30yI/AAAAAAAAAH0/2r45kpVrdAg/s320/665811_436440036412591_25512018_o.jpg" width="213" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Well it is Remembrance Day... I have Carley's candle lit and will have it lit all day today. I miss my babies so much and I hope that they world will remember all of the babies gone too soon today and there families.</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br />I just had someone to ask me on Facebook if I was ever pregnant they didn't know that I had been and they kept seeing my post about today. I told her my short version of my story and she was very caring about it... What is funny is that me and this person never really got along... It is amazing how people can change and life can bring you close to some and pull you apart from others....</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I know that in grief there are stages and I feel as if I flip flop back and forth through them. I just have to wonder if I will ever fully get over my babies deaths or will I just grow use to the empty feeling I have in my heart of wanting them with me.... I can't explain to people what it feels like to know that you will never have a biological child walking this Earth... When I am dead and gone that is it there will be nothing of me to live on. There will never be another generation... It will just be finale and gone...&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>People who have children and who can have children often take for granted the wonderful Miracle they have been given... They get so wrapped up in life itself that they forget to actually take time with their children and love them, hug them, kiss them and just cherish the beautiful miracle God gave them.... It is usually people like myself that help remind them of the gift they have and help them to take the time to cherish it and live their life to the fullest with there children.</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I hope that people today who have children will remember us whose children are not with me. I hope that people will ask about our children and know that we love to talk about them even if it is hard for us to talk about. We don't want the world to ever forget our children existed and for a Mother of 3 Angels that is one of my fears...&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Carley Mommy loves you and misses you every single day and I pray that you are in God's arms and that Jesus and Him are given you kisses from me... Until that wonderful day when we will meet for the first time...&nbsp;</i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-56402084165522951992012-10-10T15:31:00.001-04:002012-10-10T15:31:12.150-04:00Trip<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Well I went to Boston last week for a friends wedding and I absolutely LOVE the city!!!! I would go back and visit any time hell if I could restart my life I would prolly wish I could live there... It was so wonderful to walk to everything and hear the horns, and ride the train!!! So many different places to eat, pubs, bars, stores, shops, I just loved it...</i></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>I have often thought of what my life would be like if I could restart it and choose a different path... I wonder if I would have went to a big city and would my life have still ended this way or would I have stayed here and everything happen the same way... There are so many things to think about and wonder about in this life... I love new things, I love to experience new things, new places, meeting new people...&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>Life has a funny way about it sometimes... The things we dream about when we are kids and think we want sometimes end up being just that dreams cause in life you never really know what you are going to get...</i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-55613479864658789242012-10-01T01:10:00.000-04:002012-10-01T01:10:16.351-04:00Dreaming<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Every night here lately I have a dream.... In my dream I am a mother to a beautiful baby girl that I love more than anything in the world... But the dream doesn't have a happy ever &nbsp;after...</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>In my dream my life is great I am the happiest I have ever been with the love of my life... We adopt a little girl and everything is finally perfect... I am raising the family I always wanted and then the hole bottom falls apart... I never see my little girl grow up, I don't get to be with the love of my life... I don't even get to be here at all... In my dream something happens to me... I can't quiet seem to figure out exactly but in my dream I am home with her and then the next flash I am looking at myself in the hospital bed on a vent and dying I guess....&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I know that it is very morbid but I know that it is negative to dream that but why do I dream it just about every night and I wake up at the exact same part every night with him sitting there crying and talking to me begging me to wake up and stay with him and her... I try so hard to wake up I try so hard to tell myself that I can't leave them I finally have "My Dream" and now I am just leaving it all be hide. Then I see a little girl come toward me and call me Mommy and she looks at me and I just start to cry cause I know it is "Her" it is Carley... She looks at me and says Mommy it is time, It is time for you to be with us, it is time for you to come and take care of us now... I take her hand and go with her and there are my 3 Angels standing there waiting for me...&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I know one day I am going to see them and I know that people say you can't pay attention to dreams but to have the same dream over and over it feels like it is trying to tell me something but I have no clue what it is... &nbsp;I know that I want to see my babies so bad sometimes that it doesn't matter how I get to see them... I have always said that if it is &nbsp;my time to go I am ready... I am not scared of death, I know that it will be hard for the loved ones I will leave but I know that I am going to be with my children... I guess when i suffered my blood clots and there for a few days everybody was scared to death that something terrible may happen to me... But I wasn't scared at all (I know that I was under &nbsp;heavy drugs and all) but I just felt like well if this is it this is it... I still feel that way... I have my family yes but I have no children here to keep me or worry about... I know that for my friends and family it would be terrible and hard... I know all of my friends are scared about death cause of there children but I don't have that...&nbsp;</i></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I know that everyone at some point in life will have to say goodbye but I hope my dream is wrong and that my time IS NOT UP ANY TIME SOON....&nbsp;</i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-15673542778049615122012-09-24T21:54:00.001-04:002012-09-24T21:54:26.028-04:00My Song<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Maroon 5 song "Sad" is my new favorite song... The piano in this song and Adam's voice just melts me... I have listened to this song I know a billion times today and tonight... I just keep it on repeat... It has a lot of meaning to me so I am going to post the words to the song.....</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; "Sad"</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp;</i></span><span style="font-size: 13px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Man, it's been a long day</i></span></span><br /><div style="border: 0px none; font-size: 13px; margin: 0px 10px; padding: 0px; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Stuck thinking 'bout it driving on the freeway<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Wondering if I really tried everything I could<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Not knowing if I should try a little harder<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Oh, but I'm scared to death<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />That there may not be another one like this<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />The words that you needed so bad<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />The things that you needed to have<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I'm so sad, saaad<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Man, it's been a long night<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Just sitting here, trying not to look back<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Still looking at the road we never drove on<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And wondering if the one I chose was the right one<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Oh, but I'm scared to death<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />That there may not be another one like this<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />The words that you needed so bad<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />The things that you needed to have<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I'm so sad, saaad<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I'm so sad, so sad<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />Oh, but I'm scared to death<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />That there may not be another one like this<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin thin thread<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" /><br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />The words that you needed so bad<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />The things that you needed to have<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />And I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />The words that you needed so bad<br style="border: 0px none; font-size: 1em; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;" />I'm so sad, so sad</i></span></div><br /><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Now the words to this song have meaning to my life right now in ways that I won't talk about on here... But I had to post it...&nbsp;</i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Carley Noel Mommy loves you so much....&nbsp;</i></span></div>Jannoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-40314013568935556822012-09-24T02:48:00.000-04:002012-09-24T21:54:41.620-04:00Happy Angelversary<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Today is Carley's twins Angelversary... 3 years ago today I found out that I was indeed pregnant and that they did see a heart... then I got the BUT there is Baby B and there is No heart beat...&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>So Angel Baby B Mommy Loves you and Misses you every single day....&nbsp;</i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-39423906905247394072012-09-24T02:39:00.001-04:002012-09-24T02:39:47.473-04:00Music<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>There are so many songs in this world that just stand out to your feelings that you are having at the moment in your life... Right now I have a lot of them that have really touched me... I bought the new Maroon 5 CD and I am so in loved with the majority of songs on it....</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>One is called "Sad" and that song just touches a cord with me so much... I have been sad tonight. Have you ever felt like just throwing in the towel and saying "I quit"... Well I am just about to put the white flag up and surrender... To surrender is so hard!!! It makes you feel as if you are a failure... I feel like that just about every single day... I know that in order for me to surrender I have to say that "I quit", "I give up", "I am weak".... That is what it feels like to me...&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>It is funny how certain songs can just touch you... Another song that touches a cord with me is "Paradise" by Cold Play... The words in the song go&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>When she was just a girl</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>She expected the world<br />But it flew away from her reach<br />And the bullets catch in her teeth<br />Life goes on, it gets so heavy<br />The wheel breaks the butterfly<br />Every tear a waterfall<br />In the night the stormy night she'll close her eyes<br />In the night the stormy night away she'd fly</i></span><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Last year when that song came out I listened to it every single day... I even went as far as to say if anything happen to me last year when I had my hysterectomy that if anything happen to me I wanted that song played at my funeral (morbid I know but with all the blood thinners I take and all the complications that could have happen I planned my funeral the night before my surgery just in case to make it easier on my family).&nbsp;</i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Another song that I have been listening to a lot is P!nk "F Perfect" There is a part in the song that says</i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>You are so mean when you talk about yourself</i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>You were wrong</i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Change the voices in your head</i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Make them like you instead</i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Now those who know me know (and I am sure we all are) that I am worst critic... I think nothing but negative things about myself every single F'ing day... Now I know everybody is going to say that you shouldn't think like that but hell we all have done it in our life but with everything that has happen to me in the last 2 years (almost 3 come November 20) I feel as if I am all the negative things that I think in my head...</i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Another song I love is "Baby Mine" now you all know it is from the movie "Dumbo" but also from the movie "Beaches"... When I was pregnant with Carley I would sing this song every day for her... I always said that when she got here I would sing it to her every night... Now I sit in the dark and listen to it and think of how special and precious to me she was and would have been to me...</i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Now I could go on and on and on about the many songs that I have been listening too here lately and tell you each one of them and how they make me feel and why I like them and how it relates to my life but hell I know y'all don't want to sit here that long to read this boring shit...&nbsp;</i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>The hole that I have fell into just seems like it is never ending and I feel as if the daylight at the top is getting dimmer and dimmer and I can't seem to climb out of it... I do a pretty good job of putting on the smile, and the I am so happy and I love my life... But I am getting tried!! I am not sure how much more I can fake... I know that I just have to hold on a little bit longer and my meds will kick in (the increased dose of Prozac)... But damn I wish it would hurry up!!!</i></span></div><div><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></i></div><div><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">I know that life is not fair, balanced, equal, square, or even a straight line... But must the road of life been all speed bumps and huge hills to climb... Can't it sometimes be just flat and even. Because to be honest I seem to be running on fumes... I need my tank refilled and I am just trying to make it to the store to do so....&nbsp;</i></div><div><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></i></div><div><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Carley Noel Mommy loves you so much baby girl... Please know that every single day I think of you and your siblings and I love you and Miss you so much. I know one day I will hold you and kiss you and I hope you will know who I am... But please baby girl keep those that are close to my heart safe &nbsp;</i></div><div><br style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px;" /></div>Jannoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-72343073497705717462012-09-20T00:08:00.002-04:002012-09-20T00:08:22.539-04:00Love<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Well I have decided to keep writing on here... I need a outlet even if it is just for myself... I know that my husband will never understand why I miss my babies so much... I guess the saying is true that men don't become fathers until they hold the baby... We become Mothers as soon as we see the + sign on the test or the two lines...</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I have entered a giveaway on Somewhere Over the Rainbow in memory of her daughter Hannah who passed away 3 years ago this Friday... I found Katy by accident right after I lost Carley and our daughters were the same age at death... Katy helped me get through some tough times and also she helped me start my blog. She was placed in my life in a very Dark moment and her daughters blog is on my page please click it and join....</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Her other blog that she has is giving the give away she is a very creative person and she has started making these beautiful blocks that I really want!!!! I showed them to my husband tonight and he said why you want them... I informed him I wanted them to Spell Carley Noel and to place on the mantle where her other memorial items are... He just doesn't get it... I am going to post two pictures of the blocks... tell me if you think there are pretty...</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Carley Mommy Loves you and Misses you sooo Much baby girl... Give your siblings a kiss from Mommy...&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rnXhta_opPs/UFqWmdyKqGI/AAAAAAAAAHY/vqU8xg3XV-8/s1600/192275_3774525970142_1437812772_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-rnXhta_opPs/UFqWmdyKqGI/AAAAAAAAAHY/vqU8xg3XV-8/s320/192275_3774525970142_1437812772_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xeKM3TFK6cc/UFqWoKm_ysI/AAAAAAAAAHg/vdysNSgT1TQ/s1600/339112_3774523770087_1852673885_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-xeKM3TFK6cc/UFqWoKm_ysI/AAAAAAAAAHg/vdysNSgT1TQ/s320/339112_3774523770087_1852673885_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-49265286173342972372012-09-13T22:40:00.000-04:002012-09-13T22:40:08.172-04:00Nobody<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I think I am going to stop writing on here. I know that there is really nobody reading anything I put on here. I know that it helps me with my thoughts but I don't have people commenting back so I don't know if my thoughts are good, bad, should be different or if others even care...</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I just need feed back even if it is good or bad. I wish someone could tell me if I am only in the ways I feel or not....&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I was watching TV tonight and I saw a lady who got a piece of jewelry made for her child who passed away at birth and it was beautiful.... I have my necklace but I want something that is from me and for my children. I found this beautiful ring that I wanted but hubby said no grant it is would cost $800 so I completely understand... But it was gorgeous it had diamonds and then you could put each one of your children's birthstone in the spaces between the diamonds... Now if I got the cubic z stones it was $475 which would be fine with me... but maybe one day I will find that piece of jewelry that I can't live without for my children....</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I often think of ways that I could do things to remember my babies... I feel each day that passes I am slipping farther from them... I want a tattoo but hubby says no on that too... I just need to have something that is on me at all times that is for everyone to see about my babies... I think since I don't have a place to morn for them that I could at least have something on my body that would show the world they were here they were real, they did exist....&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>But I think I will just stop with all the writing cause it doesn't do any good to just write and no one care....</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>My Angels in Heaven I love you so much and I wish every day that you were here with me and I am sorry that Mommy couldn't bring you into the world... I wish with every breath I take that you were here.....&nbsp;</i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-79204942936415149642012-09-12T22:24:00.002-04:002012-09-12T22:24:35.463-04:00Have you ever<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Have you ever woke up one morning and thought today will be different... Today I will be different, no more feeling sorry for myself, no more guilt, no more hurt, no more pain, no more no more no more no more no more......</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Well I didn't exactly wake up this morning feeling like that but as my morning went I had this wonderful feeling that everything was going to be okay.. That I may be able to just get through one day and have it end wonderful.... Well I tried... and then I messed up...</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>You know what hurts more than actual physical pain itself... Hurting someone you love... I did that twice today... I hurt two very important people in my life by me just being me and all in my head I said some hurtful things today that I wish I could take back... Just goes to show me that the old saying you have always heard in your life "never say anything in anger" is true... Neither person that I said some hurtful things to today had anything to do with why I was mad. I was mad at myself and I leashed that anger out when I should have leashed it to myself.... But isn't that how it goes... When we are mad at ourselves we usually through it onto the ones we love...</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Well I did just that and I have said I was sorry to my loved ones but does it make a difference... No it didn't make me feel better for what I said or did, and all it did was leave them thinking what had they done to me for me to lash out... NO matter how many times I say I am sorry they will still remember that I said those things, or I acted that way.....&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I know from my heart that I was only mad at myself and I have no one to blame but myself and I take that blame and hold full responsibility for it.... I just hope one day they will know that I am not perfect, I make mistakes all the time, I am trying to do the right things, I am trying to follow my heart and make the right decisions that is best for my life... I am trying to hold on to "My Dream" but no matter how hard I try I feel like I maybe pushing "My Dream" further and further away from me.... I hope that I can catch it one day!!!!</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Carley Mommy loves you and misses you ever single day...</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>To MY Angels In Heaven I love you babies!!!!!&nbsp;</i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-9780363351048234662012-09-11T22:26:00.001-04:002012-09-11T22:26:39.890-04:00Trying to hold it together<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I had my friends over tonight with there 10 day old son and I was doing really good with everything... I cooked supper and was enjoying there company. I tried to stay busy so I wouldn't have to really have time to think you know and then when dinner was over I knew I had to prepare myself....</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>They placed him in my arms and I said I didn't want to hold him cause I could feel the tears in my eyes coming.... But I held him and I did so good I held back the tears until they left and now it is like a waterfall... My husband has no idea cause he is sitting in the chair watching TV... I know he wouldn't understand and I am so happy I have this blog to vent how I feel...</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I am so happy for them he is a precious little boy so sweet, and beautiful (I know I shouldn't say that about a boy but he is).... They are so lucky... Before they came over tonight I went ahead and lit Carley's candle and asked her to give me the strength that I would need to get through the evening....</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I am such a bad person here my friends are nice enough to come over and bring there new son and all I could do was think in my head and in my heart this will NEVER be me... I will never know what the feeling is like to hold my child in my arms.... I will never know what it is like to have a child call me Mom... I will never know and I want to do is ball but I won't I will hold it in and be strong... I will not (I hope that I won't)....</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I am such a awful person.... I shouldn't feel like this... I am so happy for them don't get me wrong... but all I want to do right now is fall apart....</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I am such a awful person......</i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-48670795917885745262012-09-10T23:40:00.002-04:002012-09-10T23:40:51.705-04:00Huh!!<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Every day I try to get up and be positive on what the day will hold for me... But I have been on a emotional roller coaster... One minute I am happy, sad, crying, and mad.... I know that it has been almost 3 years since Carley left me to be with God but in my heart it still feels like yesterday... I just don't know what I can do to move on...&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>All my friends have children but me... All my friends are talking about growing there family to even more children and I am so so so happy for them but all of them feel as if they can't talk about it with me... They all try and hide it and I am the last to find out about there new additions...&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Most friends don't want to talk to me about it... I know that it is hard for them to know how I feel but if they never ask me questions about her or ask me how I feel about talking about her how will they ever know how I feel... I don't want to push the topic on them and make them talk about her with me when I know in there hearts they DO NOT want to talk to me at all about her....</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Every day I dream about what it would be like to hear her voice calling Mama to me in the morning... what it would be like to have her here and being with her, kissing her, holding her, chasing after her, doing all the things that mothers get to do... But the only problem is with me is I can only do those things in MY DREAMS...</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I will never be able to do them here on Earth... I miss my babies oh so much...</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Mommy Loves you My Angels In Heaven!!!!!&nbsp;</i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-65616212867092205062012-09-10T23:33:00.001-04:002012-09-10T23:33:54.489-04:00Need Your Help Please<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>As many of you know I have a Facebook page and it has the new timeline.... well I have a photographer friend who has offered to do my another cover photo for Carley and I need some ideas as what to do... I will post the picture on here of the current one I have but would like to do a new one... So PLEASE PLEASE suggest any ideas that you have....&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KuKf46JPZHE/UE6xAxrdZpI/AAAAAAAAAHI/ujoPy8be6kg/s1600/carley+from+cindy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-KuKf46JPZHE/UE6xAxrdZpI/AAAAAAAAAHI/ujoPy8be6kg/s320/carley+from+cindy.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-21597813040777059362012-09-05T22:26:00.000-04:002012-09-05T22:26:01.532-04:00Today<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, serif;">Today was a better day for me... I spent the whole day with my parents who spoiled me today and even though I am 30 years old it was good to be spoiled by them....&nbsp;</span></i><br /><br /><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, serif;">We are at the beach and at dinner tonight I went to the restroom and had a lady ask me about my necklace I have the open heart angel necklace. She asked me if that was for my child and I said yes.... I went ahead and told her yes it is for my children who are in heaven. They are my Angels in Heaven and she was shocked and said she was sorry she asked...&nbsp;</span></i><br /><br /><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, serif;">I hate that people have to say sorry... I know that it is just human nature and that she was prolly a mother herself and it was just out of the kindness of her heart. I told her she didn't have to be sorry that I was happy to tell her about my children, and that it didn't bother me a bit....</span></i><br /><br /><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, serif;">This may sound bad but I love when people like to talk to me about my children even if they are complete strangers.... At least I know that when I talk about them the world hasn't forgotten about them and that is my one of my fears... I know that my children existed cause they were inside me and I felt the sickness, and the kicking, the Dr's appt and the heart ache every day that I am alive knowing that they are not here for me..</span></i><br /><br /><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, serif;">My family is around me this week with all of there children and it makes me happy and sad at the same time... I want to have memories like they are having with a child....</span></i><br /><br /><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, serif;">But I know in my Heart that it won't happen.... Why can't I just get over it??? Why do I have to feel so damn said every single day when I see a family with a baby, or a pregnant person, why do I always have to wish for things that I know will not happen to me???&nbsp;</span></i><br /><br /><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, serif;">Carley Mommy misses you every single day... I can only imagine what it would be like to have you here with me at the beach and making memories with you... what would it be like to have a child here... I will only be ble to imagine it...&nbsp; </span></i>Jannoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-25790363424933440972012-09-04T22:04:00.001-04:002012-09-04T22:04:52.845-04:00Why Bother!!!!<i><span style="font-family: Georgia, &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, serif;">Ever had some of those days when you feel like WHY EVEN BOTHER!!! Well I have been having those days all week... Everyone is coming at me asking me question about my life and I am just to the point where I don't even know what to tell them cause I feel like Why Bother with it....</span></i><br /><br /><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, serif;">Now I know some may take that as I am saying I give up but some days the day just defeats you and you have to go to bed and just get up the next day and try all over again.... but right now I just want to go to bed and sleep for like a month and wake up and my life be totally different... I know that will not happen unless I do it myself but OMG I am freaking out... My stomach kills me every single day, I am just a total mess inside and I am trying to hide it from everyone I am close too because I don't want them to worry even more about me... I know they only worry cause I know they love me but they stress me out even more... I just need moments... Moments to scream, cuss, cry, be pissed off and just vent...&nbsp;</span></i><br /><br /><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, serif;">But I am trying to please everyone and trying to say all the right things to everyone....&nbsp;</span></i><br /><br /><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, serif;">And I am feel is I am failing everyone.... And I am not saying or doing anything right....</span></i><br /><br /><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, serif;">Carley Mommy loves and Misses you so much!!!! The day I get to be with you in Heaven will be Heaven for me...&nbsp;</span></i><br /><br /><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, serif;">Just why CAN'T I BE A MOMMY???????? Why does everything in my life have to be so HARD while others have it so easy.... People think I am a very strong person but I am falling apart inside and I feel as if I have no safety net, and no one to catch me when I fall....&nbsp;</span></i><br /><br /><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, serif;">Ugh!!!!!!! I wish I could just RUN FAR FAR FAR AWAY and when I returned my LIFE WOULD BE WONDERFUL AND HAPPY AND FILLED WITH MY BIGGEST WISH!!!!!</span></i><br /><br /><i><span style="font-family: Georgia, &quot;Times New Roman&quot;, serif;">ME A MOMMY!!!! </span></i>Jannoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-21683021469798512752012-08-31T22:21:00.002-04:002012-08-31T22:21:27.124-04:00Hard Day<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Today has been very hard for me and I am not really sure why.... I have been having a rough month with missing Carley and "My Dream"... I was in a very low mood today and tonight and thought I would look up some poems that may help me and I found this poem and wanted to share it with you.</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i></i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Dear God,</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Please hold my unborn child in your ever-loving embrace.</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Please let my child know that my love can't be erased.</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Please bless me on this earth and help to ease the pain.</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Please plant a seed within my baby's heart of sunshine, not of rain.</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Please help the days get easier and the nights go quickly by.</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Please hold my hand when I can't do anything- but cry.</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Please increase my faith so I believe my baby is with You.</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Please forgive me when my sadness makes me come completely unglued.</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Please let my baby know that there'll always be a place-</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>within my heart, just for my baby, full of Divine Grace.</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>And, when You call me Home to Your Kingdom up above-</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Please let me hold the baby-</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I never held...</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>but, always loved.</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Author Unknown</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I feel every word of this poem or prayer... I feel this way every single day of my life... And I know people are going to be upset if anybody reads this but I wish the day would hurry up and come where I could be with my babies... I can't help but wonder if they need me to hold them, to kiss them, to love them, do they need the love that only there Mother can give them... Hear lately I have cried myself to sleep if I sleep at all, or I have cried all day long for my babies...&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>My husband won't adopt and I want a child in my life... I need a child in my life... I just wish that is God is dead set on me not having a child in my life that he would just take the hurt, the longing, the desire, and the need for a child out of my heart for good....</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I love you Carley Noel and Miss you every single day!!!</i></span><br /><br /><b style="background-color: white;"></b><br /><b style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"></span></b><br />Jannoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-7959387700793402762012-08-31T11:12:00.001-04:002012-08-31T11:12:50.736-04:00New<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>While I was on a short vacation last week I went into a shop that had Snow babies figurines and I found one that I just had to have... I have I guess what you will call a little shrine of different things that I consider for Carley and this is the newest one.</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--fOKKx2tn1E/UEDUVkJdokI/AAAAAAAAAG4/pO1do5WcCMo/s1600/539005_10151381929750760_154282468_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/--fOKKx2tn1E/UEDUVkJdokI/AAAAAAAAAG4/pO1do5WcCMo/s320/539005_10151381929750760_154282468_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>It is called Angel of My Heart....&nbsp;</i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-19393903035913164942012-08-31T01:50:00.003-04:002012-08-31T01:50:45.065-04:00Depressed<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I am in a terrible funk and feel the black hole that I have sunk into is going to swallow me whole... The only real way to express my feelings here lately have not been to healthy for me but feel as if they are the only way...</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Getting ready for a family vacation and I am excited because I get to spend the whole week spoiling my cousins kids (he is 9 months younger than me and has 3 of the most beautiful kids)... I know this week is going to make me wish I was a mother even more cause his kids are so lovable and love to cuddle which I will do with them every second they will let me...</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I am hoping that the time I spend with his wife who is a really good listener and gives good advice will help me with some life decision that I am looking at... I know that life is not fair and that life is what you make of it but how do you know if you are doing the right things in life???</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>How do you know what to do in life??? How do you know when to give up on a dream??? How do you know if you should listen to your heart or your head when they are telling you two different things??? Just how do I live my life with no child in it??? As I write this I feel numb, I feel as if no part of my heart knows what I should do... I want a child so badly but husband refuses to adopt and it is not up for discussion... I am just so lost in what I want and what I know I am going to get in this life...&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br />I mean lets face it I can't work cause of my stupid body and leg just won't let me... I mean I could work but I would face loosing my leg and I know it is just a leg but still it is apart of me and has been for 30years... I know that the Dr's say it is in my best health interest in not working but people just don't understand you would think it is great to be told you can't work and to just be at home all the time but when you feel like your home is a prison in which you can't run from</i></span><i style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">&nbsp;what then???</i><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I am not a homebody, I am a people person and have been my whole life, and now I am at home all day with just myself and I will tell you right now that is not good for me cause I have never liked to be at home all the time... I have never liked to be by myself a lot I was a only child and I was alone most of that time.. yea I had my parents but do parents really understand there children... UMM NO they don't</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I know that I am limited in my life but should I limit my happiness on that too??? I just feel you get one life and you should be happy I know that life isn't always happy but hell I haven't been happy in 2 years since Carley was taken from me and I know that a child can not make you happy but I feel as if I would have a purpose to my life....&nbsp;</i></span><br /><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>And right now I feel I have no purpose, I feel as if I am just here taking up space and air and that is a very lonely and sad way to live a life... Tell you from experience.....</i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-47474488710000937202012-08-28T09:28:00.001-04:002012-08-28T09:28:16.626-04:00.....<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I try every day to make people happy. I try every day to do the right things in life, I try every day to do everything I can the right way... But I am so tried of trying and it seems as if I still don't do anything right....</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I know that I am only human and I that I am not perfect nor do I ever want to be perfect but I do want to feel appreciated and loved... I know that I am a very hard person to live with I am sure, and I know that all my friends tell me that I am too hard on myself that I need to give myself some credit but I can't help but think that I am not doing enough or have done enough... I know that there are things in my life that I can not control and oh how I wish that I could... If I could I would be a Mom (which is something I know will never happen), I would have my dream job back (which is also something I know that will never happen), I would be a independent person again and not having to depend on people to do stuff for me..&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I know that my life could be so much worse I understand that completely but when you have always had your own money and done your on things in life to now be stuck at home with no money, and having to ask permission every time you want to do something it really brings you down.... And I have a dream of being a Mom that I just can't let go of.. What do you do when the other person doesn't have that same dream... We did have that dream when we thought we could have children and now that we can't he won't adopt and just tells me I need to just give up on that dream... I refuse to give up all hope on that dream I have so much love in my heart for a child...&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>What am I suppose to do??????</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>And when do I get to make Myself Happy?????</i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-7740624592389762792012-08-27T16:26:00.001-04:002012-08-27T16:26:25.302-04:00Trying<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Every day I wake up and I try to put one foot in front of the other...</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Here this week is going to be really hard. I have a couple that I am very close with that is fixing to have there first baby... I am so happy for them, They are going to make amazing parents... I was asked if I would come and see them when they got home and see their New Bundle of Joy.... At first I said yes of course but now that the week is here I don't know what to do....</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I don't want them to think i am selfish and I don't want to ruin there MOMENT!!! I don't want to go there and start to cry and make them feel bad for me... I want to go and show my love and how much I care for them and their new baby but I just don't want to ruin it for them... Any advice???? If anyone is reading????</i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-7367329348132410112012-08-21T15:40:00.003-04:002012-08-21T15:40:36.399-04:00Why???<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Why do things have to happen in life that you wish had happened earlier?????</i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8556630172462584101.post-91949764352896221462012-08-20T00:55:00.002-04:002012-08-20T00:55:59.744-04:00A lot on my Mind<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I know this is my 3rd post today but I just have to get this off my mind... I was watching a movie tonight called "The Help" it is a wonderful movie if you have not seen it yet I am sorry but what I am about to talk about is going to spoil the movie a little bit for you...</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>There is a part in the movie where one of the wives has suffered a miscarriage and she has suffered several in silence she does not tell her husband about them. She just gets through it the best she can and plants a rose bush for each of her babies....</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Now my husband was watching this movie with me in the bed and when it got to that part I had already said good night and turned over cause I have seen the movie before, he has not... He watches the part and just lays down and says nothing about it...</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Now this pisses me off to NO END!!! Why won't he acknowledge the fact!!! I know it is a movie but the women is so hurt by this and by feeling unworthy for not giving her husband a child and yet my husband who has seen me go through this 3 times myself says nothing... I feel like I should have never told him... If I was going to have to suffer through this alone and in silence then I feel as if no one should have known about the babies at all... But he did and still NOTHING....&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>I just wish he would understand the hurt I feel when he doesn't acknowledge what I have been through.... I try to be a strong woman, I try to hide my feelings, I try so hard to please everyone, and do what everyone expects me to do BUT I AM SICK AND TRIED OF IT!!! I am sick and tired of thinking of EVERYONE ELSE!!!&nbsp;</i></span><br /><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i><br /></i></span><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><i>Especially when it feels as if No ONE thinks of me............</i></span>Jannoreply@blogger.com1