You know one of those moments in life when you want to throw your hands up and resign as being part of the human race, and wish to be in the place called heaven now?

I'm having one of those days.

So much crap is happening to people who I care about at the moment, and I feel absolutely helpless to do anything about it. So many of my friends seem to be oppressed by life and circumstances, that lead to bad choices and further oppression.

One of my friends has been suspended for shouting at a child who kicked him. He's a youthworker, has had a problem with his larynx and voice since his mum died about eighteen months ago, and has had to get used to speaking in whispers. None of the doctors know what's causing the problem. Just at the moment he got angry with a kid who literally kicked out at him, his voice temporarily came back, and now he's been suspended because of it. He's had several jobs down the years, and he just needs a break. He's only 29.

The homeless guy I talk to just wants to escape his drug habit and alchohol problem and travel. He wants to be clean, but he doesn't want to be press-ganged into believing something he does'nt. He wants to be respected as a human being, not a potential "convert to the cause". Why is that unreasonable? He doesn't steal for his habit, and shows respect to me whenever I chat to him, and tries not to show bitterness most of the time, 'cos he thinks he shud'nt.

The heroin addict who comes into the shop to talk to me, who's desperation I can see in his eyes, who talks about his ex-wife all the time, and is still clearly in love with her, but knows he can't go back.

The 20 yr old lad who used to be in my sunday school class, who's a mental age is about 11, who wanders round town on his own all day when he's not in college, because no one really cares about him enough to spend time with him, except a very few. He comes into the shop and talks for hours with me, and we laugh and joke, and try to go to the cinema as often as possible on my saturdays off. He doesn't really appear self-aware enough to know that no-one cares about him.... or does he? He may be mentally impaired, but that doesn't mean he's stupid. When he goes home at night to an empty house cos his mum's gone out, and when he sits for hours on his own at home playing on the playstation, does he know then?

And me?

I believe in a God who's above all this crap, who can lift people out of these situations, who's only response towards the creatures he made is love. I'm struggling myself at the moment to come to terms with how my body is changing with M.S, but more than that, I'm really struggling with where God fits into all this.

Why aren't you doing anything God?

Why can't you intervene?

All I want is for these people to know, for once in their lives, that they're special, and valued, and worthy of friendship and relationship with another human being; that the world is not just about them getting crushed; that even if they have had crap most of their lives, that there are some people who care, and that there is a Heavenly Father who cares. I want them to know that they can have a relationship with You and not have to do anything in return, that You will love them no matter what, totally unconditionally, not depending on whether they give or whether they're "good enough".

I didn't dance 'cos my legs decided to turn to jelly, and I could hardly stand up. I managed to disguise it tho, 'cos everyone said I looked tired!! I did manage to take some photos, only about 50 or so though, 'cos in the end I couldn't be bothered! lol

I had a great time, although I finally got in at 1 am and had to be up at 7 for work. I'm really, really knackered!! Today is going to be a longggggggggg day.... !

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

It's strange, although I've been diagnosed with m.s. for three and a half years now, I'm still living a bit in denial, even though I'm injecting every day with medication. So far I've got halfway through this book, and I've recognised and resonated with all of the symptoms the author describes having experienced in his own battle with the disease.

I bought the book last week when I saw it advertised; what attracted me was that it is written by someone who has m.s. and is not just another "expert's" advice. It's a book ground in reality, and very personally written. I'll wait to get to the end of the book, but so far it's making me wonder whether I should ask my specialist to have a phsychological test to determine if I have cognitive symptoms as well as physical.

I don't normally talk about my experience with m.s, mainly because I think a part of me doesn't want to admit it, to acknoledge it's existence, but when I get weeks like this week, when it kind of throws me a metaphorical punch in the gut, I'd be a fool to deny that it affects my life.

I need to slow down a bit more in work I think, which isn't easy, being in the role of Deputy Manager, but the stress I put my body under is starting to show a bit I think. I have a wedding to go to on Friday, and because the manager forgot, he didn't give me the day off. (he's on holiday at the moment) So, I've had to split my day off this week into two half days, so I could go to my friends wedding and the reception! I finished work at 1 today, and will finish at 12 on Friday, and rush to the wedding which starts at 1!

I'm also thinking of making a complete career change, to find a less stressful job, and because my wage is so poor, ideally a part time one that is exactly the same pay that I'm on now!

We'll wait and see, I don't know what I want to do to be honest.

I came home this afternoon completely exhausted, and I all I did today was lift a box of very heavy books, and I used up all my energy reserves doing it. My legs felt like two lumps of lead walking home from the station today, and I was glad to get in, shut the door behind me, and collapse and veg on my couch all afternoon watching films, chilling out. I'm so tired at the moment that I think it's affecting my eyesight aswell, an old symptom that constantly re-occurs.

In short, I'm a bit run down. When you're run down, it's like holding out a personal invite to your symptoms, they all come running at once, so I find it's best to just sit down and recharge.

If I'm feeling up to it, I might go to the gym after work tommorrow and try some gentle cycling, and see what happens to my legs....

Oh well, must stop moaning and grumbling and get on with it I suppose...

Friday, August 04, 2006

(Disclaimer: this post is a whine, please take some cheese with this as you read it...)"...the storm clouds are gathering...""...a countdown to crisis...""...nuclear showdown...""...armageddon is nearly here...""...the last days...""...prophecy fulfilled before our eyes..."These and a few thousand others are some of the phrases that I'm hearing at the moment, from all sorts of Christians, and it's starting to annoy me. We're selling one particular book at the moment, whose author claims to know that we're "nearly there", that we're "near the end".

He comments on "secret dossiérs" that he's conveniently found that reveal the Pentagon's plans for nuclear retalliation, and intelligence information that conveniently points to a world Arab conspiracy against Israel & America, that's apparently in Prophecy. He miraculously reveals that he can interpret passages that reveal that the European Union will be the antiChrist's organisation from which he will rule, and most of Europe will apparently side with him.

Most of the time I just ignore these people, but obviously because of the crisis in the middle east at the moment, his books are selling like hot cakes, and I feel really bad about it. The way he interprets prophecy, everyone except America is in the wrong, or on "the wrong side".

I don't mean to sound racist against the american people as a whole, (after all, thats exactly what he does against the German, Chinese and Russian people!) but, come on, it's a litttle convenient that you can interpret the End, and only America is blessed by God?!

Isn't that just a little bit convenient? It's funny how Developing nations and all those at an economic disadvantage as compared to America are on the losing side!! I don't mean to be nasty, but I really fail to see how Jesus' return is going to be decided by us as human beings, and be decided on an economic basis, when even Jesus himself said he didn't know when it would be!!

As a partial preterist, I believe that alot of the events described in revelation have happenned already in/at A.D. 70, with the Fall of Jerusalem, so to me, the earth could go on for another thousand years if we can get peace. Whether you believe that or not, writing books based on current events claiming you know when the end will be, is just scaremongering for money as far as I am concerned, and is not justified in any Christian sense. Presumably the author feels that even if the world does end in a bloody nuclear massacre, because he's been "faithful" he'll be able to keep all his proceeds from the book to spend on the new heavens and earth!!

I'm just so sick of all the scaremongering and hot air, During the first gulf war, we heard all these staements and arguments, and again in the second one, and now all again during this latest outbreak of violence. I'm fed up of it.

Jesus explicitly said that there would be wars and rumours of wars, but that it didn't neccesarily mean anything.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

I'm so annoyed and upset about last night's sermon/talk that I'm going to write my views tonight. I have an exhaustive concordance, and like i said, I'm no scholar, but I'll write an honest opinion later by looking up passages, and getting an overall view of Hell and Judgement, which I believe is radically different from what we like to teach from selected passages.

Well the speaker covered the topic, complete with the famous Jonathan Edwards sermon "sinners in the hands of an angry God", and I wanted to cry, not because the sermon/talk affected me in a positive weay, but because it was everything I don't believe about God and the Bible.

I'm no scholar, or academic, and it frustrates me that I can't put into words what I really feel the bible says on the subject, that's why I quote people like Rob Bell and others, because what they say about it I seem to resonate with, and they speak for me.

I'm really frustrated tonight, and am feeling depressed at the images that were conveyed, and the kind of God that was taught about tonight, a God where His Wrath = Anger, and a God who can cope with not just punishing, but torturing people for eternity. I can't even begin to imagine that, and it flies in the face of everything I read in the Gospels about Jesus, and why he came.

I just don't know why I can't put it into words what I believe, I know more what I don't believe.

I don't believe that God is angry with the whole of humanity until they sign a decision card for Him.

I don't believe that God will torture people for eternity even if they didn't trust Him.

I don't believe that God's Justice demands that he defend His honour in a kind of macho way.

I don't believe that the whole point of God's Wrath is to destroy and annihilate.

I don't believe that the whole point of Jesus coming was just for personal salvation of people from hell.

I don't believe that adhering to Christianity in and of itself is what God is looking for.

I don't believe that all other faiths/religions are direct from the Devil, and have no elements of truth in them.

I don't believe that I have all the answers either.

I'm so depressed.

It seemed like I was the only one who disagreed with what was said about Wrath, and Holiness, and Jesus' work on the cross. I feel so isolated in my beliefs, like I'm a major heretic and everyone thinks I need to be "corrected". I found myself without even realising shaking my head tonight at various points, I hope people didn't notice.

I decided I'd better go back to the gym, since I hadnt been in three months, was still paying the monthly fee, and I used to go four/five times a week!! (Don't get the wrong idea, I only use the rowing machine and the bike, nothing else, I'm not a muscle bound model - you'd see that if you know me or have met me lol)

Haven't felt up to it for a while, but I guess it's a vicious circle...

Where was I?

Oh yeah. The Gym.

Well, I went Sunday afternoon, deciding that I should go, and sunday afternoons are usually lazy so why not? I did the rowing machine for half an hour, and then went to the cycling. One problem I have is that I get carried away listening to my ipod, which has either a sermon/talk that I'm thinking deeply about, or some really cheesy pop album that entertains me. Well, I was listening to both - one after the other on sunday, and because I close my eyes while cycling, (yeh I know, I'm wierd but its helps me concentrate on the song/message and my cycling) I kinda forgot the time.... (Justification: well I don't go with anyone, and it's not really the place to have random conversations with strangers really, so it's not that bad that I close my eyes!!)

An hour and a half later, I realised I'd been there a while...

I did a cool down cycle, reduced the gradient on the bike and stopped. I did all the stuff you're supposed to, stretches, etc, but felt a bit stiff, as you would if you're unfit and have M.S, and have cycled for an hour and a half vigorously!

All this week, my bum muscles have ached. In fact, they've been on fire at some points, and I think I've bruised my bum muscles and got VERY saddle sore!! So, no pain, no gain as they say! I've lost weight since I started going to the gym, but most of it was in sweat on sunday!

So the moral is, don't close your eyes when cycling, otherwise you won't see the timer on the display in front of you...

I'll have a great ass but won't be able to walk properly...

Oh well!!

lol let's see what happens on saturday and my next visit... maybe I should stick to the sauna!!

People Whos's Blogs I Read:

WISE PEOPLE:

"Jesus did not die at the hands of muggers, rapists, or thugs. He fell into the well-scrubbed hands of deeply religious people, society's most respected members." - Brennan Manning

"All religious and political systems, Right and Left alike, are the work of human beings. Abba's children will not sell their birthright for any mess of pottage, conservative or liberal. They hold fast to their freedom in Christ to live the gospel-uncontaminated by cultural dreck, political flotsam, and the filigreed hypocrisies of bullying religion." - Brennan Manning

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." ~ Albert Einstein

"To disagree with three-fourths of the British public on all points is one of the first elements of sanity." ~ Oscar Wilde

It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins. ~Chinese Proverb

"The best things in life are nearest: Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes,
flowers at your feet, duties at your hand, the path of right just before you.
Then do not grasp at the stars, but do life's plain, common work as it comes,
certain that daily duties and daily bread are the sweetest things in life."
- Robert Louis Stevenson

"Learn as if you were going to live forever. Live as if you were going to die tomorrow."
- Mahatma Gandhi

"There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein

"Great music is that which penetrates the ear with facility and leaves the memory with difficulty. Magical music never leaves the memory." - Sir Thomas Beecham

"To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often." - Winston Churchill

"If you want to know what a man is really like, take notice of how he acts when he loses money." - Simone Weil

"Economy is half the battle of life; it is not so hard to earn money as to spend it well." - C. H. Spurgeon

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
I Corinthians 13:4-8

"Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone." - C. S. Lewis

"The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.
The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.
And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference."
- Elie Wiesel
(Oct. 1986)

"To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved." - George MacDonald

"I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant." - Martin Luther King jr

"It is in deep solitude that I find the gentleness with which I can truly love my brothers. The more solitary I am the more affection I have for themÉ. Solitude and silence teach me to love my brothers for what they are, not for what they say." - Thomas Merton

""There are two kinds of people; those that finish what they start, and so on..." Robert Byrne

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."
--Galileo Galilei