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} What no groveling? Thou snivelling worm wouldst dare to ask the great} and mighty Oracle a question referring to one of the simplest} structures of the universe, one which requires great concentration and} thought, and you do not abase yourself before the universal source of} knowledge known only as the Oracle?}} Oh well, I guess some people are just no fun. . .}} bytes come in a variety of colours and flavors. The best way to} understand what they look like is to understand their makeup. Now, as} everyone knows, each byte is made up of 2 nibbles and each nibble is} made up of 4 bits. The fundamenta question is: what colour are each} of the bits?} The best method of approaching this rather relative question, for} mere mortals can not even begin to comprehend the inner workings of the} universe, is to hit yourself over the head with a keyboard from a} Zenith Dataworks PC while going over the edge of Niagra falls while} dropping acid. When you surface, you will be surrounded (most likely)} by a variety of colors. Pick the one which seems to cover your body} the most and call that one 0. Next, pick the one which seems to be} missing completely from any or all of your perceptions and call that} one 1. Go back home, after paying the hospital and rehabilitation} clinic bill, and get two large pieces of nylon, one of each of the} colours which you chose. Get eight flashlights and in any order you so} choose wrap the nylon material over the flashlights.} Now comes the tricky part. Locate an underground military} missile base, sneak into it by night, break into their machine room and} crawl into the most easily accessable hole in the machine you can find.} Grab the nearest board and yank it out of its socket. Quickly now,} while there is still logic in some of the chips, shine each of the} flashlights you have with you on that board while uttering a prayer to} the great spirit of Univax. When you are shot by the rampant security} guards, the last color you will see will be the colour you sought after} so dearly, the colour of a byte.}} See, it helps to grovel, 'cos if you did, I would have told you the} easy way}} begone from my sight!}} You owe the Oracle a 8 X 10 glossy of Grace Hopper.

> Oracle, you have seen the sun rise and set through countless years.> You have watched the birth and death of stars. I have heard it said> that you were present at the last Big Bang and probably several Lesser> Bangs. I suspect that when the heat death of the universe comes upon> us, you will be patiently waiting for the toast to pop. If anyone has> perspective on the passage of time and the significance of our puny> lives within the Great Cosmic Scheme of It All, I figure it's you, no?>> So here I am, stuck in this mind-numbing job on a Friday afternoon.> Can you give me just a small pearl of wisdom to help me make it through> the last few hours until I can break out of this chicken coop?> Something to put it all into perspective? Something to guard my soul> against surrender to the agony of depair? I'd be _most_ thankful.

} Day in, day out, the Oracle hears the cries of despair and ennui that} rise from people like you, trapped in an absurd human condition. "What} does it all mean?" you want to know.}} Time was, a younger and more energetic Oracle tried to answer every} existential query individually. But Usenet has grown apace, and let's} face it, "What is reality?" is FAQ number 1. Luckily, one of my} Servitors here at Indiana has just completed her adaptation of the} popular Unix "fortune" program. I'm sending along the manual page, and} I advise you to install it on your system soon, certainly before next} Friday afternoon.} =================}} EFORTUNE(6) GAMES AND DEMOS EFORTUNE(6)}} NAME} efortune - print a random solution to existential angst}} SYNOPSIS} /usr/games/efortune [ -CfFHNpsz ]}} DESCRIPTION} efortune with no arguments prints out a random adage drawn} from the writings of the major existentialist traditions.} The flags mean:}} -C Christian existentialism. Adages drawn from} Kierkegaard, Tillich, Bultmann, etc. "I believe} because it is absurd."}} -f French existentialism. Adages drawn principally} from Camus and Sartre. "Hell is other people."}} -F French existentialism, pretentious option. Adages} are given in French. "L'enfer, c'est les Autres."}} -h Hacker. Self-explanatory. "The trampoline that} doesn't bend your brain is not the true trampo-} line."}} -H Hallmark. Adages from a greeting-card database.} "Today is the first day of the rest of your life."}} -N New Age. Drawn from Richard Bach, Shirley} Maclaine, Baba Ram Dass, et al. "Be Here Now."} On many systems output from the -N and -H flags} will be virtually indistinguishable.}} -p Parental. The good advice you used to get at} home. "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing} well."}} -s Suicidal. This option to be used with extreme} caution in cases of clinical depression; it} selects from a database of nihilistic adages from} Nietzsche et al. "Life is a bitch, then you die."}} -z Zen masters. "Does a dog have the Buddha-nature?"} "<<ZOT!>>"}} FILES} /usr/games/lib/efortunes.dat}} BUGS} Could be more sophisticated; tried to understand Heidegger} but barfed. Should add an -S option for the Stoics but got} tired of Marcus Aurelius for being an upper-class twit.} Hallmark and New Age sayings reproduced without permission,} but hey, this is Un*x, we can do whatever we want!

} Because small, fluffy objects don't arc, glow, and explode in the same} diverting manner. Hamsters and gerbils and such have their own} sportive uses here on Olympus, which I will not go into here, as such} information does not pertain to your question. However, flattened and} dried, they make excellent, tactilely arousing frisbees.}} You owe the Oracle a round of "Little Bunny Foo-Foo".

> Oh wondrous Oracle, whose beard extends for miles and houses all kinds> of amazing creatures, I asked you this question:>> > I have just found H. Ross Perot's credit card. What is the PIN> > number, that I may extract $20 to mail it back to him?>> And in response, thus spake the Oracle:>> } 13 1 9 12 9 20>> I tried these numbers, and they didn't work! What happened? Did the> Oracle give me his tuxedo measurements for his own amusement? Or are> these the answers to my roommate's upcoming calculus final?

} Those numbers, O foolish mortal, are among the most powerful keys to} insight and bliss in the known multiverse and ought not be bandied} about on the internet! They constitute, for instance:}} the German telephone number of Helga, possessor of the most} fascinating collection of whips this side of Uranus}} the secret decryption key without which the last third of the} film 2001: A Space Odyssey makes no sense at all}} the exact map coordinates of the papyrus recording Joseph of} Arimethea's incredible prediction of Nostradamus}} my hourly consulting fee}} a simple hex patch that converts Daleks into tireless,} omni-enthusiastic pleasure-droids}} to name but a few.}} Now tell me, if they happen, from time to time, not to be Mr. Perot's} PIN number, is this *my* fault?}} You owe the Oracle: the complete works of Ron Goulart, and a} replacement moose (the need for which I REFUSE to go in to).

> Dear Oracle Sir:>> Recently, I tried to improve my drab, wretched life by instigating> a romantic liaison with a young lady of an amiable nature. This> process was initiated with an exchange that is often described in the> vernacular as "a pass." She was, unfortunately, unresponsive.>> Seeing that my experiences at making "passes" was indeed limited, I> decided, as the future Quality Control Expert I am destined to become,> to ask this young lady to point out the flaws in my process. To wit,> I sent her (via e-mail), the following document:>> As a recent recipient of a LO-YIELD(tm) pass (#314, "It's> better than saying 'What's your sign?'"), we ask you to take> the time to fill out the following questionnaire so that we> can improve the quality of our service to customers such as> yourself.>> 1) Subtlety level:>> 1 2 3 4 5 6 7> What pass? It could be detected on the moon>> 2) Reasons for rejection (you may check more than one):>> a) Didn't know it was a pass> b) Appearance (e.g. scruffy-looking)> c) Personality (e.g. bizarre sense-of-humor)> d) Testimony from acquaintances> e) Afraid friends would find out> f) Other ______________________________________> ______________________________________>> 3) How can we improve the LO-YIELD(tm) pass?>> 4) Considering our willingness to adopt your suggestions, what> steps would be necessary for you to consider responding> positively to a LO-YIELD(tm) pass? (e.g. promise of> moderate-to-expensive dinner with excellent conversation.)> Would you have preferred a BLATANT(tm) pass instead?>> 5) Are you considering the use of biochemical weapons to> repulse the LO-YIELD(tm) pass?>> 6) Extraneous comments:>> Thank you for your comments and cooperation.>> The reaction to this document was suprising: she slugged me.>> What did I do wrong?

} Well, my dear supplicant - don't worry: The Oracle is on your side and} will try to find out, what is going on here.} Doesn't seem to be altogether easy, though. I asked Lisa, but she told} me leave her alone with this crap. (I guess, she had PMS (tm).) So, we} will again make this a case for OODA, the Omniscient Oracular Detective} Agency.}} (The Oracle reaches for his Oracular phone, all marble with a golden} receiver and a platinum dial. He seems to dial a number and talks some} short sentences into the microphone.)} No problem. The OODA agent will soon arrive. Gotta go now!}} (Five minutes later, the Oracle, disguised as an interviewer} with a notepad and a moustache is leaving the house. The only thing} that you'd notice as a difference to the usual appearance of an} interviewer is his white bathgown and his big <ZOT!>-gun hanging from} his belt.)}} (The Oracle is ringing the door bell on the house of supplicant's one} and only love, Angie. The door opens, a beautiful woman appears.)}} Angie: Yes?} Oracle: Well, I am coming from OODA, the, er, Obsolete Offbeat Debate} Agency. We are performing an investigation about the way people} approach other people. Could you give us certain information,} which will of course remain confidential, about the last time a} person has approached you?} Angie: Yes, certainly, er, do I get into a TV show then?} Oracle: We might consider that. The first question:} 1) Subtlety level:} 1 2 3 4 5 6 7} What pass? It could be detected on the} moon} Angie: Let's say, he wasn't much trying to hide, what he was up to.} I go for '7'.} Oracle: The second question:} 2) Reasons for rejection (you may check more than one):} a) Didn't know it was a pass} b) Appearance (e.g. scruffy-looking)} c) Personality (e.g. bizarre sense-of-humor)} d) Testimony from acquaintances} e) Afraid friends would find out} f) Other ______________________________________} ______________________________________} Angie: It's d), I guess. But then, I didn't really reject him.} Oracle: Fine. The third question:} 3) How can we improve the LO-YIELD(tm) pass?} Angie: Well, one could add a little more subtlety to the way, he is} tearing my clothes off me.} Oracle: Er, yes. (Looks rather embarrassed.) And now for the forth} question:} 4) Considering our willingness to adopt your suggestions, what} steps would be necessary for you to consider responding} positively to a LO-YIELD(tm) pass? (e.g. promise of} moderate-to-expensive dinner with excellent conversation.)} Would you have preferred a BLATANT(tm) pass instead?} Angie: (looking rather worried) But I DID respond in the positive!} Oracle: (now also looking rather worried) Really?} 5) Are you considering the use of biochemical weapons to} repulse the LO-YIELD(tm) pass?} Angie: Certainly not.} Oracle: Do you have any} 6) Extraneous comments:} Angie: Sorry, I haven't got the time for that now...

> Hey, Oracle dude! How's about helping a fellow out?>> You know what? I seem to have a small soft spot on the left rear of> my skull. If I rub it hard enough, funny things happen: all vision> in my right eye goes gray, I lose all sensation on the right half of> my face, and eventually I begin to drool. Overall, it feels pretty> good. Isn't that weird?>> I can't seem to stop doing it. It's sort of like having an itch,> knowing that this spot is there. Yesterday I found myself exploring it> with a pencil point to see if anything different happens (I found a> small spot, in and then up just a bit, that caused my right leg to lash> out suddenly. Neat, huh?)>> Anyway, the problem is that my officemate thinks this is very strange,> and is getting concerned. What do you think? Is he retentive, or> what? I think he is worrying about nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn> nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnothing oops,> sorry about that. Personally I think it is getting better -- at first> I really had to press hard to get the effect, now all I have to do is> wear a hat!

} Whatever happened to the good old days, when supplicants would grovel?}} 1) Yes, I will help a fellow out.} 2) Yes, I do know what. I am omniscient. I also know how, where,} when, and sometimes why.} 3) The effect is not weird; you are.} 4) No, it is not neat. If such places are just haphazardly strewn} about the body, it is a very poorly organized body, and therefore not} neat.} 5) Everything, all at once.} 6) Yes, he is retentive. He has yet to donate half his yearly income} to the "Save the Oracle" foundation. What happended to the generous} people?}} My commentary: You seem to have touched upon a nerve with your point.} In fact, the nerve you have touched upon is directly connected to your} body's IHDG (Internalized Hallucinatory Drug Gland), and touching that} nerve causes an isomer of PCP to be released into your blood stream.} However, it is only released into the right half of your blood stream,} and is metabolized before it has a chance to dissipate into the left} half. Effects of this drug are identical to those you have described.} Unfortunately, the by-products of this drug are identical to those} formed by PCP, so they will appear in your urine for the next 4 months.} Be prepared to fail your next piss test.}} You owe the Oracle a "Mr. Wizard Whiz-Quiz Cheat Kit" and a small} bottle. Plus your first-born male child.

> As I stagger though the great mysteries of life, confounded,> dumbfounded and constantly beaten over the head with large rocks, I> wonder to myself whether I will find any satisfaction in my sufferings.> I have come to you oh Great and Mighty Oracle of untold wisdom. I> beseech of you to grant me the answer to the great question that eludes> computer science majors everywhere. . .>> when shall I ever get a girlfriend?

} Your utter ignorance of the laws of the universe is demonstrated by the} usage of the words "computer science" and "girlfriend" in the same} breath, or for that matter, in the same university.}} The answer is, of course, never, unless you succeed in doing what a} friend of mine wants to do. He wants to, and I quote, "program [his]} computer to give blow jobs." If you like your meat processed, well,} he's the guy to go to. Otherwise, forget it.}} And don't even _think_ about the large-chested woman with slight acne} in your data structures class. She's a grad student in math, and her} boyfriend is a P.E. teacher at the local high school who used to play} college football, and could kick your butt to an arc high above the} city.}} No, not the computer room operator, either. She's cute, but she's} obviously not a CS major (she knows how to use Lotus 1-2-3) and she} only dates frat boys.}} If you really want my advice, I would recommend taking up bonsai trees} as a fast-paced hobby to speed up your flagging social life in general.} Or maybe you could shave your head and don an orange robe and sell} flowers on the street on commission.}} You owe the Oracle a 144-pack of Trojans for Lisa. You can take one} out for yourself so that you see what one looks like before you die.

> Dear Oracle:>> My brother is getting married next month. I'm going> to be the best man at the ceremony, which means I have> to make the first toast at the reception. I can't> think of what to say. Do you have any suggestions?>> Thanks a bunch!

} I'm afraid that The Oracle is probably not the best person} to ask about toasts. Having been honorary best man at} several mortal weddings, I have provided several toasts} that always seemed correct and to the point but are never} well received.}} I believe the last one was "You shall live long and prosper,} right up until Nancy has that horrible accident." Seemed} honest and from the heart to Me. People are funny. Another} of my favorites was "Live together in peace and harmony . . . while} you still can." Anybody else could have gotten away with that, but} from the Oracle it was just not taken correctly. Then of course} comes the complaining and the name calling and the pointing and the} <Z0T>ing and well, lets just say that The Oracle doesn't get asked} to be best man very often any more.}} But you did ask for my advice, so I'll give it a shot. Let} me access your brother's file . . . hmmm. How can I put this.} Try: "Breath in life, drink together from the cup of experience,} contribute to the lives of those around you, and . . . have that} mole removed." Feel free to edit that, but I think I'm getting better} at this.}} You owe the Oracle a glass of champagne.

> O great and wondrous Oracle, I come humbly to you in the quest for> enlightenment. I have to sit a Physics exam soon, and I wanted to know> what you would advise concentrating on in my revision, bearing in> mind that I want to pass.>> Basking in the light of your wisdom,>> Norwin Simms

} I have backtracked your earlier tests and used my clairvoyance unit} to predict the questions on your exam. This data has then been} fed to my analysis organ for lower earth-creatures and the} result is a study guide which you should follow.}} ---------------- BEGIN -----------------}} Chapter 1, Digits.}} If you have a lot of things of the same kind, it is somewhat exhausting} to denote these things by saying, for example "a tree and another} tree and another tree and another tree and another tree".}} It is easier to take the amount of trees and say that the amount} of them equals a certain number, in this case '5'.}} To grasp the concept of numbers & digits you could use your fingers.} Close both your hands and stick out one of your thumbs, as if} hitchhiking.}} You now see '1' finger (to make this easier, consider your thumb as a} finger). Now extend your other thumb, keep the first one up.} You now see '2' fingers.} If you continue to extend one finger at a time, you will end up with} '9' fingers (you should have let that firecracker go a bit earlier).}} The digits you have passed through are:} 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9} ! ! !} ! ! Praise the lord !} ! Thumbs up !} !Hitchhiking}} If you close both your hands you can see '0' fingers. It might seem} a bit silly to have a digit for nothing, but you will see that it can} be helpful.}} How should you do if there are more trees than you fingers ?}} Well, image this superhuman being, with all your fingers, plus one} more, sticking out of each of his fingertips. If he would extend} only ONE of his fingers, he automatically would show the same} amount of fingertips as you would if you would stick out all your} fingers, PLUS ONE MORE !}} This is called '10' fingers. You probably recognize the two digits} from before, but the trick here is to group them together.} You could say that it means :} 10} !+--------------------+} ! !} ONE superhuman finger, and, NONE of your fingers}} This method is very reliable and has been used a very long time, but} what if there are more trees than all of your fingers and all of the} superhuman's fingers together ? ('99' that is)}} Well, imagine a european football team with '10' superhuman} members. If each of the players would extend one of their superhuman} fingers, we would see '100' fingertips.}} You got it ?}} With this method you could get up to '999', if all of the} team, the superhuman and you would extend all of your fingers.}} If you would like to go higher, imagine a european football league with} '10' teams.}} You can go up to 9999}} Now imagine '10' divisions in the league, each division with '10'} teams.}} You can reach 99999.}} This should be enough for a while.}} Chapter 2, Addition}} Addition is mostly noted with a '+' sign. This means that the sum} of the digits to the right of the '+' should be added to the sum} of the digits to the left of the '+'.}} To make it easy, do like this.}} Collect all the football teams, the superhuman and yourself.}} Stick out your fingers according to the digits to the left of the '+'} sign.}} Ask you nanny to take a photo of this.}} Now, stick out your fingers according to the digits to the right of the} Pin the first photo to your shirt.} Ask your nanny to take a photo of this as well.}} Get the second photo and count the number of fingers you can see} on the photo and on the photo on the photo.}} You now have the result of the addition.}} ---------- END -----------}} You owe the oracle to play around with nine firecrackers ,} or possibly one superfirecracker.