Jump In To the Party

Evan McMullin Accuses Feral Cat of ‘Xenophobia’

(WARNING: SATIRE AHEAD) Evan McMullin has found a second career in denouncing anyone who wishes that America remains a nation with borders. But expert sources tell The Loftus Party even they were surprised when he turned his wrath on a feral cat, accusing it of being “xenophobic” for not denouncing Donald Trump’s latest executive order on immigration.

Former Bill Kristol-backed presidential candidate McMullin spent yesterday denouncing Trump and other Americans who desire a sovereign nation that keeps out people who wish to harm them.

But even long-time McMullin groupies and experts didn’t expect his latest attack. The Loftus Party spoke with several sources, who requested anonymity since they were not authorized to speak on the matter, and they expressed shock that McMullin is now accusing a feral cat of being “xenophobic.”

“The whole incident started with Louise Mensch stalking the feral cat in the boondocks somewhere,” said a McMullin historian. The historian accidentally followed her Twitter account and saw her furiously tweeting about her latest theory. Mensch is a British former Member of Parliament. “She was yammering something about Russia, Trump, Andrew Breitbart, and this feral cat. Couldn’t make sense of any of it. And she wouldn’t tell the public where she was either.”

The same source later added that McMullin saw the series of tweets and was able to get Mensch to DM him where she was. He immediately flew to the undisclosed location.

“McMullin arrived to find Mensch screaming at the feral cat,” a second source said. This source is an expert Republican and conservative consultant to whom you absolutely should listen. She worked on the failed presidential campaigns of Dole, McCain, Romney, and Jeb Bush. “She was going on and on about the cat being a Russian spy; that it helped hack the election for Trump,” the source explained.

“I like Louise. I really do,” the source told TLP as she adjusted her hipster glasses. “I mean, she was invaluable in helping us run influence operations against Trump during the presidential campaign,” she said of the very foreign Mensch. “But this is weird; just a bit too far out there for me.”

But it wasn’t too much for McMullin a third source told TLP. “He wasn’t necessarily onboard with the charge that the cat was a Russian spy. But he did sense some bigotry in it,” the long-time political pundit who has never worked a real job in his life said. “After McMullin got Mensch to stop screaming, he asked the cat what it thought about Trump’s latest executive order on immigration. The feral cat wouldn’t give him a straight-up answer,” the pundit said.

The McMullin historian confirmed the political pundit’s version of the story. “He asked the cat the question two or three times,” he said. “And as you might expect, it just ignored him. Mensch and McMullin woke it from sleeping and they thought it was just confused at first. But after that, they accused it of having hatred in its soul.”

“Eventually the feral cat just stretched and walked away from them,” the political pundit added. “At that point, McMullin denounced it as a ‘xenophobe’ for refusing to denounce the EO,” he said. “We definitely have problems in this country. The bigotry that has taken over the nation is not what America is about. But denouncing a feral cat as a ‘xenophobe?’ That surprised me.”

McMullin’s denunciation of the feral cat as “xenophobic” is expected to continue for the next few days . . . or until media outlets have the chance to interview him about the matter . . . or until Louise Mensch finishes her investigation into the cat’s connection to Trump and Russia.