The Christmas commandments

Broadcaster and Sydney Morning Herald columnist

And the Lord contemplated Christmas and he became sorely aggrieved. He said, ''It was only ever meant to be a simple birthday party. How did things get so out of hand?'' And so the Lord made new laws to get things back on track.

And the Lord said: ''Should you wish to send a greeting card to mark the season, let not that card be marked by bragging, even unto the brand of car you have purchased, though it be a Merc or possibly an Audi. And though great be your jubilation about your daughter Chloe, who won the year 5 music prize with her cello, do not go on and on about it, especially if the family who receives the card also has a year 5 daughter but theirs was arrested for shoplifting. And though vast be your joyousness in your partner whose salary, including bonuses, now resembles a mountain of gold that glints like a thousand eyes, careful shall thou be in the expression of these things, saying simply, 'We're all well and hope you are too.'''

And the Lord said: ''And should you become sorely tired writing the same message in a great multitude of cards, and should you think, 'I know, I will just write one long message, four or five pages, closely typed, print it many times and then place a copy in each card so all may know the news from my family, even unto the cost of the dog's operation,' then verily should you think again.''

And the Lord said: ''And should you find yourself in the shopping mall with your left blinker on, waiting for a car park, when all the other spots are taken, and verily does a lady zip in and take that very spot, though you'd bagsed it, that much was clear to all, let there not be lamentations in which the air is rent with fury, and let not the lady driver be smote with terms such as 'abomination' and 'evildoer' and 'bloody Volvo driver'. Instead, cast your eyes to the horizon, whereupon will appear another shopper, pushing a trolley resplendent with gifts. Follow this man as a lion would follow a wildebeest and, verily, in time, his spot will be yours.''

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And the Lord pondered. And the Lord cleared His throat. And the Lord pulled at His right ear lobe to assist His thought process.

Then He spoke, his voice low and steady, for this was the important bit: ''And once inside the shopping mall, let not one man fight against his neighbour, though both have one hand on the Giggle and Hoot Hootabelle pillow, and it be the last such item in all of Sydney, even unto the central coast, and it hath been keenly requested, on the one hand by Samantha, aged 4, and on the other by Timothy, aged 4, and tremendous will be the tumult on Christmas Day on the part of him or her who does not get it, with the gnashing of teeth and the kicking of legs, yet desist, I say to you both, from pulling this way and that on the pillow, saying 'It's mine' and 'No, it's mine, I got here first', until the fabric be sorely strained and the Giggle and Hoot Hootabelle pillow be finally rent in twain, the store filled with a stuffing that floats on the air like pestilence.''

And then the Lord turned his mind to the day itself. And he spake thus: ''Bless the little children and keep them from sugar, especially buckets of it in the hours before breakfast, for its consumption will turn them into a mighty wind that will rush through your home and the fruit of this wind will be pain and its tune will be the sound of breaking glass.

''And verily should the wine not be opened until 11am, and even then a tiny sip of champers, just to get in the mood, lest the wine extend its dominion over the whole day, nourishing the evil in men and causing Uncle Michael to mention Uncle Terry's legal difficulties, which all agreed would not be mentioned.''

Then the Lord said: ''And lo, you shall read the recipe to the very end and understand that a big turkey takes time and you can't just defrost it by putting it under the hot tap for five minutes and then expect the oven to do the rest, even though you haven't even started by 11.30am, what were you thinking?''

And God became a little maudlin and thought about how all He'd wanted was a simple celebration. Who would have guessed everyone would get so tense, spending a whole month moaning and whingeing and talking about ''being under pressure'' and, this was the hurtful bit, saying they wished Christmas was over before it had begun.

God sighed. Sometimes he wondered whether anyone liked Christmas except for the five-year-olds. Then again, he thought to himself, they really like it.

At that God smiled. Then He decided to add just one more rule. A great shadow passed across his brow and his voice shook like thunder. ''Socks,'' he said. ''Just remember. No one wants socks.''