Wednesday, August 19, 2009

On Saturday we leave for Denver. Noah's 2nd annual (eventually only every other year) Heart Cath Lab visit is set up for Monday.

I know I said I wasn't as nervous. And I'm not. But, truth be told, I am still feeling the worry though.

I'm starting to worry about his Cyclosporin level. Since I'm on a "truth telling roll"... I haven't sent his level in to be checked in a while. He's way past due. So I'm worried his level won't be high enough... but then I worry that maybe it's too high since he does seem to have some thrush as the moment. (Small beans... I know.)

I'm worried about finding rejection. I'm worried the stiffness he had last time will have gotten worse since he hasn't been on any heart meds for the past year....

I'm mom. I'm worried.

I recognize that we are in a very good place. So many of the people we have met and love, and even those who we just follow on their blogs, are having rough times. So many are so sick. So many are taking hit after hit. I remember what that felt like. So even pretending like our current situation is half of a big deal feels so very wrong.

I would have cut off my right arm to be where I am now. I would have laughed at myself for worrying over small beans... and I would have fiercely scolded myself for not getting his level checked on time...

Yet, to everything there is a season... and it seems so much easier now to be worried over small beans when I don't have BIG beans weighing me down.

So, off we go.

We are visiting the Denver Aquarium while we are there since it's the coolest ever. Maybe we'll even hit the zoo. But we get to see old friends, walk old roads (and hospital hallways), and eat a little Boston Market.

My prayers are that his Cath will go well. That Noah will be strong and sustained. That Dr. Pietra's hands will be guided and his knowledge, sharpened. That Noah's heart and body will be one, with no rejection... no stiffness.... no complications.

Honestly... I feel so very fragile sometimes. I hate the worry. I hate the unknown. But I also know that all I have to do is get on my knees and ask Heavenly Father for the strength I am in need of. He never lets me down.

I felt very strongly after Noah was born that God DOES give us trials we can't bare. BUT He also gives us the strength we need to see them through. So while I feel weak and powerless and even fearful of the unknown... I also know that whatever may come, He will give me the strength I need.

So now, as I have many times before, I must ask for your help.

Please keep Noah in your thoughts and prayers. Sometimes there are blessings that God wants to give us but can only be given if they are asked for. So, please... help me ask our Heavenly Father for the blessings that Noah needs.

Good luck with your trip. I hope you have wonderful results. I loved you comment about God giving strength for our trials. I know that the prayers of others help me feel that strength, so we will be praying for your family!

We're praying for awesome results in the cath lab. I will miss getting to go hang out with you at the hospital, but Jacob is supposed to be having his first day of school tomorrow (and since we homeschool, he might need me, his teacher, to be there!) Tuesday, Jenna will be at work on the 9th floor..but you probably won't be there to see her. We will be babysitting Alan! Yeah! Call me if you want to say hi, or if you need anything at all...even advice on restaurants or riding the light rail or anything. God bless all of you...especially Noah! (and,...it's ok to be worried)

Noah Today

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To the world you may be one person. But to one person you may be the world- Author Unknown

"When you come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen. There will be solid ground to stand on or you will be taught to fly."-Author Unknown

The Day I Became A Heart Mother

One day my world came crashing down,I'll never be the same.They told me that my baby was sick.I thought, "Am I to blame"?I don't think I can handle this.I am really not that strong.It seemed my heart was breaking.I have loved him for so long.I will not give up on this child.I will listen to your advice.I will give my son any chance.No matter what the price.I will learn all that I needTo help my baby thrive.I'll even use that feeding tube.My child must survive!Will he need a lot of therapy?Will he gain the needed weight?Please God, help me do this.As I accept our fate.When the monitors beep at night,it serves as my reminder.How many parents would love that sound.Tomorrow I will be kinder.As another Angel earns his wings,I run to my baby's bed.I watch him sleep for quite a while.I bend down and kiss his head.I cry for the parents whose hearts have been broken.I look to You wondering why?Oh Lord, I just can't know your ways....no matter how I try.And yet, I trust you hold his life,and guide us through each day.My mind says savor each moment he's here,but my heart begs, "PLEASE let him stay"!From pacing the surgical waiting room,to sitting by his bed.From wishing for a good nights sleep,to learning every med.From wondering, "Will he be alright?",to watching him reach out his hands.With every smile my heart just melts,despite life's harsh demands.For all who see that faded line.I look to them and smile.You see my child is loved so much.I would face ANY trial.That scar I trace with my finger(It's the door to his beautiful heart).God must have known how much I'd love him(Just as He loved him from the start).A heart mom is always a heart mom.Now wise beyond her years.For those who have angels in heaven,Our hearts share in all of your tears.Every day I will try and remember,I was chosen for him (and no other).I will always embrace that beautiful day.......When I became a "Heart Mother".