Tag: zeppelins

It’s been a while since I posted about our worlds continuing slide into alternative history. I think we can all agree that we are beyond the point of forecasting the appearance of Zeppelins. They must already be here. The news sounds like an excitable teenager trying to summarise a month’s worth of reality TV for someone who doesn’t own a television.

I’ve noticed that people actually read this blog. Some of you, judging by comments on Twitter and Facebook and from the likes on the posts, read it regularly. Why?

The question is not triggered by false modesty and I’m not exactly fishing for compliments. This is my round-about way of getting you lot to do my job for me. I want to do a review of this blog in 2017 and that means finding the best posts. Since I am a terrible judge of my own writing and you people seem to like at least some of it I’m delegating the job of picking the best.

Are you here because of Spoonie posts, or Zeppelin forecasts, or because I am occasionally funny about writing and politics? If there was a post you particularly liked, or stuck in your mind, or found useful then please let me know what it was. If you’ve got any requests for 2018 then you can tell me those too.

This is not a forecast so much as a warning. Events in Spain should be reminding us all what a fragile thing democracy is. For anyone who’s missed it while following the aftermath of hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico, the various scandals of the Trump administration, the current failures of the Conservative Government in the UK and the horrific mass shooting in Las Vegas here’s a short summary.

Catalonia’s pro independence regional government tries to hold a binding referendum on independence.The national government of Spain declares that the referendum is illegal because it goes against the Spanish constitution. The local government decides to hold the referendum anyway. The national government sends in the army and the Guardia Civil (a military police force) to suppress the vote. Many people try to vote anyway. In some places Catalan police officers and Firefighters form human shields to try to protect civilians. Violence erupts. The Guardia Civil are accused by independent observers of a disproportionate response including firing rubber bullets and baton rounds into crowds of peaceful protesters, forcibly seizing ballot boxes and interfering with the medical treatment of protesters and bystanders.

After all this the vote was counted anyway. The result was 90% in favour of independence on 42.3% turnout. Now you could argue that the turnout is a bit low for such an important decision but given that people were being beaten unconscious and shot at for trying to vote it seems pretty high to me.

There’s something very worrying in all this. Why would a democratic government react to local democracy with such force? Why isn’t the rest of Spain up in arms at the very idea? Did Spain really throw off Fascism with the fall of the Franco regime? Is this some alternative Spain where the Fascists never went away leaking through?

For a while now I’ve been collecting weird news and warning of possible signifiers of alternative realities. So you might be wondering why I haven’t said anything about the natural catastrophes currently afflicting the Americas.

These are all terrible but none of it is weird, or other, or even entirely unexpected. The fires in America’s west are one expected effect of climate change. Climate change is also to blame for the ferocity of the hurricanes if not for their number. Powerful earthquakes are not new to Mexico.

Yes these terrible disasters might herald a coming climate apocalypse but it’s a slow apocalypse and one that we’ve seen coming for years.

Well maybe not quite yet but soon if Amazon has it’s way. The above image is from a patent application filed by Amazon for floating warehouses. The idea is that the zeppelin blimp will deploy autonomous drones to actually deliver packages and will act as a hub.

This is clearly the harbinger of a corporate takeover timeline. Though by the looks of it an unusually benevolent one. It might even be an improvement on the current timeline since America’s CEOs are doing a better job of renouncing Nazis than the president is.

I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop because technocratic corporate takeovers always seem either a bit William Gibson or a bit Black Mirror.

Check out the Zeppelin Page for an explanation and for the Zeppelin forecasts.

Has anyone spotted the Zeppelins yet? I ask because it’s clear that the USA is experiencing a full on incursion from a Nazi timeline. That’s the only way I can explain actual Nazi’s marching in the streets with neither hoods nor masks and then being surprised when this doesn’t go well for them.

It’s almost possible to feel sorry for these travelers from another realm trapped in a world that doesn’t work the way they thought it did. They stumble around, expecting their violence to go unpunished, expecting to be lauded for their crimes, smearing their victims with insults that the world regards as nonsensical and when all else fails pretending not to be Nazis

Almost.

Because let us not forget that these are Nazis. These are people who believe that some people aren’t people and that makes it totally ok to exterminate them. Even in their homeline they are arsholes without a single redeaming feature. They’re just used to getting away with it.

So what do we, the right thinking descendants of people who fought a war to put these arseholes back in their box, do about this?

We fight. We fight the very idea that it’s ok to be a Nazi. We enforce consequences. We remove the possibility of wearing a swastika all weekend and then pretending not to be a reprehensible piece of shit all week. When someone gets all uppity that no-one is condemning leftist violence let us pause briefly to point out all the times when people did condemn it before asking them if they have a problem condeming actual fucking Nazis. We show up to protest. We make it clear where the line is drawn and which side of it we are on.

Those of us who benefit from white privilege should weaponise that privilege. If someone has to tear down monuments then let it be those of us who will be charged with a misdemeanor not shot by some cop with a twitchy trigger finger. Let those of us who look like the imaginary Ayran master-race be the first to strike down the very idea of white supremacy.

One last thing before I let you go. While it is absolutely morally correct to punch a Nazi (but only if they really are a Nazi) it is illegal unless they attack you first. If you punch a Nazi you could be arrested, charged and convicted. So maybe don’t do it if you have people relying on you or if you can’t afford the conviction on your record.

Authorities in London are worried that the nightlife of the city is insufficiently gay and they are taking steps. That’s something I never thought I would see. For most of my life LGBT venues needed preserving from city authorities not by them.

So how will they check that the new venue is gay enough? The reader who sent me the the link imagines an undercover LGBT Inspector’s report would go something like this:

Inspector’s Report on the Joiner’s Arms:

Entered the club at 20:10., three adult males seen dancing topless on the dance floor. Two women observed kissing in booth at the back. Approached bar and was served at 20:21. Drinks on offer included 3 types of wkd, various vodkas and standard selection of lager. By 23:39 an eligible gentleman had been approached. Left club with said gentleman at 02:30 the following day.

Recommendations:
Poppers should be offered at the bar.
Change Drag night from Tuesday to Saturday.

I’m predicting a 6.9% increase in the chance of Zeppelin sightings over London. These will be the rare rainbow Zeppelins associated with the LGBT+ future utopia that Captain Jack Harkness off of Doctor Who will be born into sometime in the future.

+++PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP CALLED NEW HAMPSHIRE A “DRUG-INFESTED DEN” DURING PHONE CALL WITH MEXICAN PRESIDENT, JANUARY+++

+++TRUMP SAID,”I WON NEW HAMPSHIRE BECAUSE NEW HAMPSHIRE IS A DRUG-INFESTED DEN” AND “KIDS ARE BECOMING ADDICTED TO DRUGS BECAUSE THE DRUGS ARE BEING SOLD FOR LESS MONEY THAN CANDY,”+++HE CITES MEXICO AS THE SOURCE FOR THE SUPER CHEAP DRUGS+++

+++NEW HAMPSHIRE RESIDENTS OBJECT TO THE PRESIDENT’S CHARACTERISATION OF THEIR STATE AND POINT OUT THAT ALTHOUGH HE WON THE REPUBLICAN PRIMARY HE LOST BOTH THE POPULAR AND THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE VOTE IN THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION+++

Ok, that last bit was me joking but the rest of the story appears legit. There is a genuine opiate problem throughout the US and New Hampshire has been particularly badly hit with a tenfold increase in deaths from opiate overdose from 2011 to 2015. I don’t think this increases the chances of Zeppelin sightings since this is clearly a long standing problem however it does suggest a new runner in the apocalypse stakes.

Apocalypse watchers I give you the Drug Apocalypse. This is the apocalypse where an increasing reliance on drugs blinds the lower classes to class iniquity and allows the super rich to hijack democracy leading to an inevitable societal breakdown. It’s the only possible explanation for the drugs being so cheap. If the super rich weren’t subsidising the drugs there’s no way that they could be cheaper than candy.

There’s now a page on the blog collecting all the Zeppelin related material: Zeppelins!

We appear to be dangerously close to crossing over to a ‘dystopian surveillance state’ type alternative universe. Even more worrying is the information that this has been going on since 2004.

I predict a minimum 10% chance of Zeppelin sightings anywhere in the world. That is now the new probability floor and I don’t expect that to change any time soon. Furthermore this now adds to the global chance of a machine apocalypse. We are now at 1% chance of machine apocalypse, 1% chance of zombie apocalypse and 1% chance of total societal breakdown from some other cause. Your local chance may be much higher.

+++HEALTH DEPARTMENT WORK ON THE ASSUMPTION THAT THE SQUIRREL IS RABID+++IMMUNOLOGIST SUGGEST IT MAY HAVE ‘FURIOUS’ VARIANT OF RABIES+++

A potentially rabid animal biting a person is no joking matter. However the idea of a New York park in lockdown because of a squirrel that the authorities can’t catch is straight out of an issue of Unbeatable Squirrel Girl.

The current Zeppelin forecast for New York City is 17%. This might seem low but every version of New York is pretty weird. We suggest you also keep an eye out for a curvy young canadian with buck teeth who goes by the name ‘Dorreen Green’ and clams to be studying Computer Science. Render her any assistance she requires and she will solve the crisis.

Furthermore the mention of ‘Furious Rabies’ leads to a 3% increase in the local chance of a zombie outbreak. Stay safe out there.