Ask A Guy: Does He Just Want Sex?

I’ve been seeing someone for about 2 months now, and we have sex often but he won’t call me his girlfriend even though we’ve met each other’s families, spend a lot of time together and act like we are dating. Is telling him I won’t have sex with him anymore because we aren’t dating, and I’m now uncomfortable with it, a bad idea? I think it might help me see if he’s only in it for sex, but I’m not sure.

Read our guy’s response after the jump!

Here are my immediate thoughts:

First, be very careful about using the words “just” or “only” when it comes to relationships or sex. No man is in a relationship “just” for sex. That’s not to say that every man’s reason is beyond superficial or is “good” for the other person. That would be a naive and ridiculous thing for me to claim.

What I’m saying is that there’s some reason he chose you versus the other billions of women he could have chose on Earth. In other words, there’s at least one reason he chose you other than the fact that he can have sex with you. It’s useful to realize that there’s always more than one reason a man choose a woman, so the more useful question you could ask yourself is, “What are all the reasons he chose me over all the other women on Earth?”

This is an empowering question because it puts your mind on all your high-points and what you bring to a relationship. If you ask yourself whether or not you’re being used for sex, it will immediately put you on the defensive and fill you with fears… And most of the time we’re filled with fears about things that would never happen and will never happen… and yet we have them.

It’s very important that you ask yourself questions that empower you. Nobody can do that for you, you have to make the decision to do that and take that responsibility.

With that being said, if you’ve met his family and he’s met yours… if you spend a lot of time together… if you act like boyfriend and girlfriend…. well????? :)

I’m being a little silly with how I’m saying this, but if all these things are in place, you’re pretty much his girlfriend. And yet, you’re choosing to focus on the title…

Now, this is something countless women have brought up and will continue to bring up. The title, the title, the title…

I can tell you this, both from personal experience and from hearing from tons of other men: The best way to determine the woman to be with is to see how she reacts when you don’t give her what she wants. I mean, think about it. Sure, it’s easy to be with a woman when she’s happy and when you’re doing everything she wants. But that’s not always possible – every man knows that sooner or later the woman is going to be unhappy with something he said or did. It’s better to know how she’ll be sooner rather than later.

Now, before you explode into saying, “That’s not fair, that’s ridiculous!” let me say that women have their way of testing a man and men have their ways of testing a woman. Yeah, we all complain about it, but testing is a good thing. Testing is how we protect ourselves from long-term heartache and eventual heartbreak.

So my advice is to think about this like a test. Focus on having a high-quality relationship. Focus on making sure the relationship as a whole meets all of your expectations. Focus on being really clear on all the reasons he’s chosen you. Focus on bringing your best self to the table. And focus on testing things out as well. It’s important that you are clear on what really, truly matters to you. If this relationship does not deliver that, it’s better you know that now.

But I believe that you’ll get this clarity not by sizing up the man, but sizing up the relationship.

Hi Eric, I’m seeing a guy and we have been dating for the past two month, he was the first to say I love and We have had sex twice. He is also my first. But I feel like when i go over at him to see him is like he only wants to have sex with me, and I asked him what am I to him and his reply was I love you and care for you and you mean the world to me. I haven’t met his family or friends as yet and I feel like he doesn’t want me, I saw his friends but he never introduced me as anything. I wanna ask if he only wants me for sex and what really am I to him, but I don’t wanna push him away and seem clingy. What do I do, I really do love him and not because he is my first. I don’t know what to do, please for some guidance.

Hi. im seriously confused and need to know what the hell this guy meant. i was with a guy the other night, we didn’t know each other too well, we never really hungout but we had the same friends. anyway the other night i was at his house, we were both in his bed (with clothes on) and we were watching a movie and i was really really drunk (the reason i was there is because i called his roommate to come pick me up because i was sick and drunk and they let me stay there, they gave me the couch but i joined this guy in his bed watching movies instead) anyway after a while we were kissing and making out then we stopped (well he did) and he said that he wont have sex because he doesn’t do hookups and he has only been with a few girls (he has only had sex with his girlfriends) and they apparently also cheated on him as he told me, i told him it was good he didnt want to and he said i was the first girl to not be angry about it was then i said i dont like hook ups anyway and he said that girls need to be respected more and that they get taken advantage of. anyway we started making out again and we both got horny but i stopped and said we cant and he agreed, we then talked about stuff and showed me a picture of his ex, we then went to sleep and we cuddled all night and he kissed my hand and cheek, in the morning we sort of woke up and looked at each other and he leaned over and kissed me, we both then went back to sleep until his roommate woke me up to take me home, i woke him up and told i was leaving and he only said goodbye, the next night (last night) i was out and we seen each other at the club, he was really with any girls, he was wit his guy friends and whenever we seen each other we would make eye contact but i couldn’t go talk to him because my best friend needed me anyway today I inboxed him and we had a pretty short conversation, but then he didn’t really continue it but they may be because he didn’t know what else to say?

I’m seeing a married man and he is a very busy man but he always has time for me and he buys me expensive gifts.the thing is now he asked me if I want to be his and I agreed but I never ask him if does he really want me to b his.and I like him so much… Hw do I tell if he likes me or he is jus enjoying sleeping with me? Plz help

Hi Eric, I really enjoy all of your tips and insight, thank you. I’m so glad I found this site. Since this isn’t something I’ve seen covered, yet, could you please share your advice on this possibility I’ve found myself in. So this man I’ve been seeing, off and on again for almost a year [we got off to a rough start; I was dating someone at our first notice of each other; I think he got scared then I got scared and we began “the dance”]. So now after sometime of OFF, he’s reached out to me, again and this time, we are more consistent than we’ve ever been, but the notable thing is, I’m now overseas. I’ll be back to the city where we both live, in a few months. At this point I feel that it can’t just be about sex because well, I’m not there. We aren’t exclusive and he has that whole “title” hang up. I’m being patient. I think he’s seeing other people and I’m not holding myself out for him, without a real reason this time. But now, he wants to fly to visit me, thousands of miles away; so my question, is why? After all this time; our back and forth; me being done and him coming back, but him still not saying he wants to make this something significant (I mean F a title as long as we’re on the same page); and him now saying things like “we” and future talk and he’s been sharing in a way he never has before… What is he doing? Why come all this way, is he playing games with me? Just looking for a little clarity. Thanks!

Hi guys, I knew this guy 6 yrs ago cause we’re neighbor in one of the vacation house of my boss, i knew he likes me but since he has a girlfriend i keot the distance with him. But this year summer one day he aproached me and ask me for a date everything went well but since we arr nieghbor my boss got curioud about him, we are nieghbors but we only knew each other just hi and hello, then one day my boss asked some if our nieghbors about him and they tell many bad things about him that he dated many girls and had many girlfriends and not a good guy for me, but since this guy is very nice to me and he told me about his ex’s so i trusted him but sometimes i admit that i doubted because of the issues but things get worst because we are in a long distance relationship i can’t help myself doubting on him eventhough we talk everyday, and my doubt became worst when he told me that he want to travel with a girlfriend of him just the two of them so for me isnt a good thing it became an issue and my doubts was getting worst we argued and a lot and got angry with me cause he sees me insecure and i dont trust my self and we broke up, i love him eventhough i have a strong feeling of doubt i say sorry and i admitted my mistake of not trusting him, i thought things well we talk everyday still but some changes he’s cold and distant now and i yold him that i dont like this he said it was you who choose this this is not my fault how can i commit with you if you can’t even trust me, i love u but things are difficult now, eventhough like that we still talk everyday but i dont know now anymore our status and we haven’t talk anymore about us… Plsssss help me what to do thank you

Hi guys, I knew this guy 6 yrs ago cause we’re neighbor in one of the vacation house of my boss, i knew he likes me but since he has a girlfriend i keot the distance with him. But this year summer one day he aproached me and ask me for a date everything went well but since we arr nieghbor my boss got curioud about him, we are nieghbors but we only knew each other just hi and hello, then one day my boss asked some if our nieghbors about him and they tell many bad things about him that he dated many girls and had many girlfriends and not a good guy for me, but since this guy is very nice to me and he told me about his ex’s so i trusted him but sometimes i admit that i doubted because of the issues but things get worst because we are in a long distance relationship i can’t help myself doubting on him eventhough we talk everyday, and my doubt became worst when he told me that he want to travel with a girlfriend of him just the two of them so for me isnt a good thing it became an issue and my doubts was getting worst we argued and a lot and got angry with me cause he sees me insecure and i dont trust my self and we broke up, i love him eventhough i have a strong feeling of doubt i say sorry and i admitted my mistake of not trusting him, i thought things well we talk everyday still but some changes he’s cold and distant now and i yold him that i dont like this he said it was you who choose this this is not my fault how can i commit with you if you can’t even trust me, i love u but things are difficult now, eventhough like that we still talk everyday but i dont know now anymore our status and we haven’t talk anymore about us… Plsssss help me what to do thank you

Hi guys
I have been seeing a guy for 3 months now he said just casual sex, it was in areas outdoors now he invites me to his house , he greets me by saying babe then gets straight to business and than try’s to have confiscations after wards but then shuts down imediantly contact me in waves one a week then like 3 days aweek I’m starting to get feelings for him . But don’t think he feels the same . Confused … Should I tell him how I feel or just walk away

This guy was behaving like he wanted me for a girlfriend. I didn’t know I was in a relationship until my coworkers and friends told me. I had an emotional connection but we never been on a date and he was texting me and return my text until I would not do for him. He needed my help financially and I would not you don’t respect a man who is irresponsible and he had a good job with benefits and bonuses. I made more than him so I told him let’s be friends and he said forever. I mean in the beginning he was going through the motions. I was not in his league. Thank God!

Just recently I’ve experienced something unusual in our sexual encounter. All of a sudden we have on a very wet bed and HE is still very erected and in the heat. Not usual in our encounters. Something felt so UNRIGHT that I had to stop! We didn’t have to use anything at all prior the five months, so why did it, all of a sudden, change now?

i really need help in my situation its driving me crazy
im in my relation ship for 2 years now we in the first 8 month of my relation he was a guy who always asks about me and dont want to leave always there for me dont like to see me sad or angry ,, apologize if he made any mistake a MAN in love,,, then the time he send me ilove in a text my reply was that me too when you are out of party call me
after this he turned to be a complete different person not asking alot when im in need he is not there ,,, then we had i fight i still dont know the reason till this day we stayed a part for 6 months i tryed to understand why he didnt explain to me ,, simce we are back he only calls me to have sex or to meet up for sex ,, i asked him is that what you only want from me he told me no one will have a sex with a person he dosent want in his life ,,, he is always in a hurry after six and i get sick of this and i told him if you only want six i dont want you in my life and he comes back but nothing is changed ,,, if we talked he would ask about my family work life (sometimes) ,,, he kiss he on my forehead i fell he loves me but he dont want to commit anything with me ,, im so confused and really need an answer

I was in a relationship that became controlling and abusive. I wanted out. I told my boyfriend I was done and wanted out. He became even more upset and decided to leave me at an event at 2am with no way home. I ended up calling a friend of ours to come give me a ride home. I explained to him what happened. He was furious and tried calling my boyfriend 6 times trying to reach him so he could chew him out for his behavior. I didn’t want to go home because I didn’t want to fight anymore. I went home with him. We stayed up hours talking and he admitted to me that he had always had a crush on me. He’s in his 40’s and I’m 30. I never suspected he did because he never behaved out of line. He told me he took screen shots of some of my fb pics to look at etc etc. and when I posted my location via fb he always wanted to pop up there and pretend he just happened to run into me. I’ve always found him very attractive and kind. Long story short we carried on a sexual relationship for about 6months He kept saying he was not only worried my crazy bf would harm me if he found out but also that he felt guilty, but he invited me to go on vacation with him etc. ok so for my question. I’ve always wondered if he was falling for me because the many romps between the sheets were very intense but he on several occasions said I don’t want to f**k you I want to make love. He was very very passionate looking me in the eyes, kissing me slowly etc and when we were done he’d hold me tight and fall asleep. I eventually stopped seeing him and also left the abusive relationship. But it’s always lingered in my mind. Was he falling in love with me? I was very insecure of a scar on my stomach and I told him that as I kept trying to cover it up. He pulled my shirt off and said I love this scare and kept kissing it. Please give me your honest opinion. The

I like this article. Thanks for the insight. It is def empowering to remember that he IS dating you for probably at least a couple of other good reasons than just sex!
This same thing happened to me… and I wasn’t necessarily wanting the gf title for any reason other than I felt like my time was getting squeezed up a little? i.e. I thought it might make us both feel secure enough and confident to ease up.. by mutually confirming that we both did want to be seeing each other regularly for an indefinite future time period. Anyway… he didn’t like the title gf/bf, but was insistent we were ‘dating’. I asked him to clarify the difference… and he thought for a minute then came back with a rather emphatic “You’ll never meet my kids”. He followed up with some stuff about how awful that was when he tried it in the past, but like, if you can’t meet someone’s kids EVER?? Well, that’s no kinda future really, right? So it pretty much ended.
Needless to say… I definitely think it’s worth caring about. I don’t really see any good reason why a guy who wants to be in the relationship and wants to invest in any future with the girl wouldn’t want to call her his girlfriend. And be super happy she’s calling him her main squeeze too.
I don’t think girls think girlfriend means much more than dating exclusively. I think guys think they have to have a couple of years to offer up or something, and maybe they’ll be able to skirt a ‘break-up’?? But if it ends, it’s a break-up. It always hurts and it’s always sad. Suck it up dudes. It’s the modern way to make an honest woman out of her. :)

I have been hanging out with this cute as guy having movie marathons and we cuddle on the couch, we play fight and talk and actually watch the movies. I had a sore tummy one time and he rubbed my tummy for ages and I never asked him too in the first place, it felt nice though, he even threw in a comment saying “you should feel special because I never do this for anyone”which I did feel sort of special. When we were play fighting one time and we ended up kissing for ages, he told me to stop because I was turning him on too much but we continued and I told him that I didn’t want to turn him on because I wasn’t ready to do “it” with him, it was a bit awkward for about 5 minutes then we were back to normal cuddling and such. He stayed over that night and we kissed more then cuddled and went to sleep. we still talk on fb and are going to catch u and go out to a movie soon. Oh he also talks about his ex and how she was so messed up a lot … I don’t know if he just wants clarity from my perspective or he still likes her or he wants to see if I would get jealous and react .. they have been over for a while now.

My question is, does he like me or is he just being nice and cute because he wants sex or does he just want to be friends?

I wish I had this article a year and a half ago… Would’ve saved me many tears, much heartache, and would’ve helped he and I from experiencing the loss of a baby- which made us fall apart not very long after.
Now he and I barely speak because of something that happened a few months back (he abruptly walked away without a word, and wouldn’t communicate with me at all until months later, when he reappeared and expected all to be the same.), and as a result of his actions, I’ve taken the initiative of telling him it’s best we not be friends- not because I don’t WANT us to be, but because we CAN’T be. We’ve both stated we can’t stand the thought of seeing each other with someone else, but he’s clearly not going.g to own whatever it is that he feels for me… and that’s frustrating and depressing.
The other night, he hit me up for some “no strings attached” sex, to which I agreed in an attempt to show him that he wouldn’t deal well with me in “detached” mode… and I was right. When he first grabbed me and kissed me, I wanted to cry because it felt different. I didn’t feel the butterflies I used to, and it broke my heart. What also made me sad was during sex, he was extremely passionate and loving. Throughout most of our 4 hour adventure he was holding me close and kissing me if he could manage to (because I kept trying to turn away in an effort to keep it all unemotional). He was quick to snuggle close afterwards, stroke my hair back, give tiny kisses, as well as so much more. I won’t lie, I gave in to some of it- it was virtually impossible NOT to, but for the most part, I didn’t.
Afterwards, he seemed shocked when I was ready to dress and leave, and he made it a point to show me his new deck that he’d built. When he walked me out, he leaned in for a kiss but I acted like I didn’t realize it, and left. Please don’t get it twisted! That was NOT by ANY means easy. I love this guy, but we can’t keep going like we have been… It’s emotional suicide if we do…
It’s been 2 days since our romp, and I haven’t heard from him. However, I KNOW him, so I know he’s overthinking it all. That’s what he does.
I do believe he cares, and think maybe he’s scared of what he’s feeling? Who knows maybe he’s not. I won’t pretend to know what he feels, because it wouldn’t be right or fair to… either way, I’m not sure if I’d sleep with him again, because I don’t think it’s smart to until we find a “happy medium” of sorts… but, I can and will say, I have NO regrets about the other night.

I’ve Been Seeing This Guy Since August 2014 &
We Have Sex Quite Often But I’m Going Through The Same Thing That The Woman Said
We Met Each Other’s Families, Spend Time Together, But He Won’t Call Me His Girlfriend

This Is Driving Me Insane

I Want A Relationship But I Guess He Only Wants To Be Friends With Benefits

I have been seeing this guy… My only problem with him is that he doesn’t act like a gentlemen – I’m old fashioned in the sense that when you ask a girl to come over to your house- you meet her at her car and walk her in… When the date is over you walk her to her car… Is it wrong that this small thing bothers me?

Me and this guy have been dating for about 6 months now and he’s really an amazing person when he opens up. Before new years he began withdrawing I guess and have an excuse for whenever I wanted to see him. I eventually broke up with him because of the lack of interest &communication obviously. When I broke up with him, he told me he really didn’t care but he had a good time with me. Maybe 1 week later, he wanted to get back together, apologizing and saying how he can be than that. So we got back together. I searched his page on Facebook (we’re not friends) and I saw he had made another girl as his header. I was furious, because just the night before he was at my house! I assumed he had been talking to her since we met, he denied it all. 2 days after that I went through his messages and he had been talking to her since we met, like I said. I was hurt…. an still am. Come to find out he really didn’t take this relationship seriously in the beginning, which was his excuse for cheating. Now he says he fell inlove with me and his feelings has changed. Recently I went through his activity on insta, he likes so many females pictures. Clothes on or off. It made me feel like he was on the prowl, looking for something else. He tells me he’s not. What should I do? I feel he cares about me but to a certain extent. And I want & need to be loved like I am a queen. Not the next random bitch he can play with. He connect on a deep level sometimes, & sometimes we don’t. I needed help!!!

Hi Eric!
I’ve read your book and it helped me tremendously. Just as most women, I had no idea what the heck was going on in men’s heads, and the book really helped me figure out that I needed to know what was really going on in mine. I have been soul searching for the past 5 years, and your book was exactly what I needed to get me over that plateau. It was exactly like the light bulb above my head finally just switched on, amazingly bright, I might add. I find myself happier than I’ve been EVER, but I do find my old ways of thinking creep up, especially when I’m with girls that used to be where I was. But, all I have to do is read the emails I get from you and Sabrina, and I’m empowered again. I save them ALL! As an example of my transformation, me and a close friend started “Tindering” and all of my dates were respectful, never crossing the line, but all of hers were “after sex”, which she obliged… every single one! I keep telling her to read your book, but she says she doesn’t have time. She is so heartbroken when they don’t call her afterwards, which breaks my heart as her friend. I used to be just like her, but TRULY seeing my self worth has made me see that my most valuable asset is not only my body, but my time as well, and a man has to prove HIS worth to me before he gets either one. I wish all women could have this insight, but then you would be out of a job, ha! Thanks for helping me find my happiness! And thanks to Sabrina too! ;)

i have known this guy for 4 years now and we are friends. i met him where he works and i requested him on Facebook. when i went into his job, his co-workers knew he would only help me. we are both the shy side and never made anything happen. i found out he had a gf then i had a bf. we both would still talk. he would text me and we would talk and then one day he started talking sexually to me, finding out what i like and he had a gf. then 2 years after, he broke up with his gf and started dating other people, i was on and off with my ex and i told him. He was there for me when i was going through rough times with my ex. he was there for me to talk to. so there was one day where he came over to my house and we went for a walk. he was on his phone the whole time. after our walk he texted me and was like it was really nice seeing you i look forward to seeing you again. i said same with you. he was like we can get ice cream, i said i would love that. Then I got back with my ex and he got with this other girl who he is with now.

he recently set me up with his best friend and we hit it off right away!! but we only lasted a month. The other guy then texted me saying I’m sorry to hear about u and my friend. after we talked about that he was like maybe we can go hiking this summer or atleast a walk. and i said that wold be nice but this time u won’t be hiding in your phone. he was like no ill be hiding somewhere else. i was like be hind a tree lol. he said maybe ill b under your bed and i said ill hide under the covers. he said ill come out and scare you and then lay under the covers with u as friends. then it started to get a bit sexual.

So I have a question a guy and I were dating for six months almost a year ago we broke up but we have remained friends ever since recently he has gotten a new girlfriend and I have gotten a new boyfriend but then my boyfriend and I broke up we just weren’t in love I never felt the way about anyone else as I did about this first guy so recently I’ve been talking to my ex because sometimes he comes to me crying about the problems he’s having with his current girlfriend just last night I made a mistake I became the other woman I cheated with him I snuck over to his house and we had two hour long sucks just like we used to and it was so amazing just as it used to be but there were little things that happened that confused me during sex he kept holding my hand interlocking fingers and he never did that before when we were dating so why now? What does it mean? Is he trying to tell me something? Or am I crazy? And then after we had sex he walked me to my car and kisses me good night? Why would you do that if you have no feelings for that person? PS he is the one who broke up with me if anyone has any answers to these questions or any insite at all please comment back I’m desperately confused

Chelsea- GET OUT< FAST. This sounds like bad news. It seems as though he wants to have his cake and eat it too. As much as you feel he might really love you by him doing all those sweet things during sex, it is not fair for you and definitely not for his girlfriend. Just because your boyfriend and you didn't work out doesn't mean you should go a ruin something for the other poor girl. I mean she already is dating a cheater. I think it would be best if you had some self respect and deleted his number and got on with your life. Fall in love with yourself, not this p.o.s. And respect others while they are in relationships. Especially other girls. It's already hard enough being one this day and age. WE need to look out for each other. And protect each other from sleazes who will stomp and break our hearts and not think twice about it.

“Ask yourself why he CHOSE you?” That’s a direct quote from this lunatics
“advice column” That’s a gross question…if you can’t detect a crazy from day one, there’s no help for you! I’m calling the author here, nuckin’ futs…

2 yes ago I met my true ” soul mate”, it was an instant connection for both of us. Everything was great…then he decided there were dynamics that made our relationship difficult. Living distance, etc… We never stopped speaking but eventually got back together. Then after another whirlwind we jumped back into things and life was amazing! His ex wife started controlling things by withholding his daughter and harassing us. Unfortunately his backbone wasn’t there and out of the blue he broke up again!! This devastated me, broke my heart! We’d discussed we’d marry someday, we’re looking at a life together.
It took a couple months but we figured out we couldn’t stay away from each other…the emotionally, physical connection is so strong. But it’s been 9 months since initial breakup. He comes over, it’s basically all sex…yet we text, talk every other day. Neither more then the other… Emotions there but he’s trying to “find” himself. Cares deeply but I’m starting to become very emotionally sad things haven’t changed. Thoughts….

He cares about you, but you’re making yourself too available for him. Stop talking to him for a week or answer him with a short reply and SEE how much he needs ya then babe. YOU have a life too and everything does not have to revolve around him. Find a lost hobby or interest or go out with your friends babe, stop revolving your world and thoughts around him and focus on yourself for a minute. Make sure you even want him or not?

I’ve been seeing this guy we’ve been on three dates so far. Dinner, he took me to a spa one time for the day then he came over and he watched csi all day and ate cake. He’s been very open with me and told me allot about his life and how in the past he was very hurt by a girl, I was very hurt also the last relationship I was in. He said since we’ve been on dates he’s not seeing anyone else it’s just been me but he wants to wait at least three weeks before we put an official label. He said he’s not big on texting but he texts me everyday he remind me he cares. Is it a good thing he wants to wait three weeks and get to know me more, or am I wasting my time?

Hi eric i find it very useful and everynight i read this article i could hardly understand why does the man continue to find your presence even u slept with him byt u dnt allow him to have sex with u.he still call 1 times in 2 weeks but late at night its very confusing for ne because i never had a real relationship at my age of 30 ilike the guy but im confuse if just wanted sex or do he likes me

I liked some of the points you made in your posts and your responses to other’s comments but there’s one part that confused me a little. When you mentioned stepping back and witholding from giving a girl what she wants and then watching her reaction, it’s only natural for me to stop and take a second to wonder if the guy deserves me for being patient and understanding while it’s clear he is testing me. That would make me instantly want to pull away because things wouldn’t be genuine then. Would you consider that a bad reaction coming from a girl? If she just happen to want to stop contact with someone who is surely confused and confusing the other person as well?

I am just curious. I always hope for the best but there are times when I know I should run away. Why would I show someone all I can give them and in reply, they would withhold giving back the same about of affection, respect, and attention? And also, did everyone seem to forget the point of unconditionally love in this day and age?

Sorry Eric,
If a man isn’t calling you his girlfriend after 3 months and is sleeping with you, huge red flag. I say it’s possible he could be emotionally unavailable.
Also, to say a woman doesn’t “need” anything in a relationship is insane. It allows a mr. Or mrs. Unavailable to get away with jackassery behavior. Unless you are being the type of person that is highly insecure, seeks constant validation or has unhealthy ideas of personal space….there is nothing wrong with having “needs”, a person who is emotionally unavailable will label anyone with healthy boundaries or needs as being “needy”.

While I agree with a lot of what the author is saying about men, it still doesn’t really solve the problem at hand which is a girl’s unease. A guy doesn’t choose a girl just for sex, no, he is not a monster, but be that as it may, if a guy seems to be interested dis-proportionally towards that end of the line, or can’t even call a girl he’s sleeping with his “girlfriend”, then this is a problem. Explaining the method of testing a girl does explain things, but it doesn’t really help. In the end, I feel women have to decide for themselves on the course of action that is best in this situation. Life is too short to be struggling with someone who tests you, and leaves you feeling unsure. I’ve dated quite a bit, and while your dude may be a decent guy, only you can decide how much pain you are willing to go through to be with him…

To sum it all up very succinctly: If a woman is in the position where she doubts whether her relationship is anything more than a sex-based casual hookup relationship… chances are… she’s right.

If she wants that, great, have at it (and I want to be very clear that I’m not saying that sarcastically… there’s nothing wrong with a woman having a hookup-only type relationship if that’s what she wants).

Where women get into trouble is that they recognize the relationship for what it is, but they want to someone magically transform it into an exclusive, chemistry-based, love-based type relationship.

Good relationships just work… when a woman is with a bad match for a full-fledged relationship-partner, nothing ever feels quite right or stable. Her instincts always know something isn’t working… we just, as a culture, need to learn that means it’s time to move on and not try to force a lack of compatibility to somehow turn into good compatibility. It never, ever does.

Eric,
This brings me to ask you on how to approach a man on this subject. I am in a relatioship with a man that I am now having this feeling. As you mentioned in one of your writings, a man is not in a relationship just for sex, i know he likes me for ither reasons too. He calls me every single day. He spend hours on the phone with meaningful conversations. We do enjoy each other in person and on the phone. My issue us that I feel he only comes to see me because he knows he will have sex. We do not see each other every week. It is more like once every two weekes and it is always at my place. He has yet to take me out on a real date. I know he is not seeing someone else. He is divorced for about 6 months now and neeither one of us are interested in remarrying. Eventhough we are exclusive and have a friedndahip, companioship and sexual realtionship
i feel used. I am not interested on FWB relationship? Is this what our relationship is? How do I approach him without saying he is in mostly for the sex whenever he feels like it?

that is brilliant. I wish I more often sought the advice of MEN about men instead of my clingy obsessive whiny girlfriends. I am the girl that doesnt get tied down in titles and all that other girly crap until I start analying a dating relationship with a girlfriend. Thank you, this has brought so much clarity!!

I was dating a guy for 3 months, when i thought everything was going great he breaks up with me and tells me i have too many daddy issues (since my dad left 6months ago, which i honestly don’t).

Anyways, we didnt see eachother for a couple of months when out of the blue he calls me and asks me out for coffee. I agreed and we decided we would try again. I didnt hear from him for about a month, and all of a sudden a call from him came inviting me to his place, since i was desperate for some news about why i went over.. It seems as if he only wants sex now though. What do you think?

The real question is, What do YOU think? Did you go for coffee and then he disappeared then invited to his place? Rather did he skip out on the coffee, disappear and then invite to his place? Either way, he broke up with you and for whatever reason he chose to break it off with you, his reason probably has not changed. His recent contact doesn’t seem to indicate that he is trying to re-build a relationship. A man can decide not to want a relationship with a woman but still desire her for intimacy. If you want a relationship with this man then I would suggest not skipping to intimacy and find out if he is interested in being with you as in trying out a relationship again, or if he is just in it for the perks.

My situation is a bit different, I’m in the middle of a separation/divorce.. I started hooking up with somebody else about a month ago. At first we said it was just for the sex.. now when we see each other, he’s so much more sweet, and he tells me that if I was already divorced that things would be different with us. The thing is, he doesn’t text me other then the day we are going to see each other.. he said its because he doesn’t want to interfere with what’s going on with me.. but I don’t know. When i see him he will ask me if i missed him and what not. He gives me mixed signals.. i’m wondering if it will continue once my divorce is finalized if he actually likes me? Or if he is still in it just for the sex.. We see each other once-twice a week. I’m a bit confused and I know if i ask him he won’t say much.. he doesn’t really talk about feelings.. so any advice?

I am seeing this guy on and off since Oct. 2012. We just recently hangout, like 5 days ago. Its clear to me that he just want sex from me. He doesn’t text. He would only see me when he “misses” me.
Anyway, five days ago, I was half asleep. I noticed how he will kiss my forehead each time he wakes up. Then, at around 3am, his arms are wrapped around me, he kissed my forehead, and I clearly heard him say, “I love you”. Then he held me tight. I did not say a thing, because I am supposed to be asleep, right? Oh well, I don’t really know if he meant that or he was dreaming or something.
He was just so different that day. He did not text after that day. I did however texted him, saying, “I already miss you…” He did not reply instantly. He replied the following day ” I hope you are having a great day…”
Then, I did not hear from him again. So two days ago, I told him that I think I want to see him before I travel again… He asked when do I leave, but then, I got scared, I said something like I will just see him when I get back in 2 months. Then yesterday, I changed my mind, I asked again until when he is in town, because I feel like I can’t wait for two more months.
Of course he did not reply…
I just realized that whatever he said that night when we are together, I don’t really think he meant that… But, as a woman, I want to know why he said that? But didn’t exactly mean it right?

I had my first date with this guy I met through Facebook one week ago. It went well -or great- under my point of view, although I don’t know how he felt about it, since he never made a comment about the date at all or said he had a good time or the classic lines a guy would tell you after a first date, if he really liked you. I have to say, it’s being VERY hard to read this guy. He is mellow, not too chatty, but he’s not boring and I felt we did have a good time. After having a drink, he could have just cut the night short, but instead, we cruised around and went for iced coffee and chocolate and then we chilled in his car and talked for a while. Sorry for giving so many details but I want you to have a better picture of everything so you can help me figuring out my question.
Ok, so at the end of the convo in his car, he suddenly approached me and kissed me. It became very hot and heavy, but I let it happen because it felt right and there was this physical/sexual connection with him. Many women here will understand what I’m trying to say. Now, since we got somewhat sexual on the first date, I instantly knew I had blown my possibilities of being in a relationship with him, in the future. I know how most guys think about a girl who “gives in” so quickly. I can’t change what happened. Anywho, he was a gentleman before and after the steamy session. He kissed me again before I got in my car.
Now, I’m a bit confused about his behavior post date #1 because a) he texts very little and sometimes it’s just a “good morning :-)” or “good night :-)” message. He doesn’t call me at all. I don’t know if he’s just even more quiet by text than he is in person? He also has the tendency of taking forever to reply to my texts and he even ignores my texts sometimes (although he’s said his phone is crappy and sometimes he misses messages). Not so sure. Anyways, he did ask me out on a second date a week after the first date. We were gonna go to dinner last night, but he asked to reschedule for some other time because something came up with his family and he apologized. Now, I don’t think he blew me off, but I’m not sure if he’s only looking for sex, as we were already sort of intimate on the first date. I don’t know either what his feelings about relationships are, as I don’t want to bombard him so soon with relationship-related stuff. I want to go with the flow and not being pushy. I wait until he contacts me -most of the times- as I know men hate to be pursued or if they feel the girl is too needy. Do you think he really likes me? He’s been flirty and nice after the first date but my main concern and his poor communication. Any advice will help. Thanks!

“I am not saying, “Don’t stand up for yourself.” Definitely do. But don’t put pressure on the man or put pressure on the relationship.
When you are absolutely clear on what you want, what you really truly need and what you will not stand for, then you will not need words to communicate this.”

I’m sorry I’m not clear on something. How do you stand up for yourself while at the same time NOT communicate using words????

just had a question…ive been seeing this guy whos been completely honest about his living situation and the fact that because of it, he cant give me a full relationship- we have both discussed what we want for the time being, and are ok with the situation as it stands…one problem- when we started having sex , he stopped texting- i mean, he knows im busy with work and i text him when i get the chance, but if our conversation doesnt revolve around sex, he stops talking, and has even left me hanging once when we were in the middle of making plans!…it makes me feel awful and ive lost some respect for him, but when we are together he doesnt make me feel this way, so im at a loss(keep in mind i only text maybe once a week if my schedule allows it, and im ok if hes not around 24/7- just cant seem to ignore these feelings that he doesnt respect me .

I’m in the same situation, I’ve been having sex with this guy for about 7 months now, he used to text me all the time, but now it’s never unless HE would like to see me. It feels like crap, and he’s slept with someone else, which I saw coming. I’m starting to loose all my care for him. I would talk to your guy about your concerns though, that’s probably the best.

The problem is that you had sex with him. If a guy really loves and respects you, he won’t have sex with you. You may have to tell him no. But as soon as your relationship turns sexual, it is doomed to failure. We guys inevitably get bored with anything we don’t have to work for. If we know we can’t sleep with a girl that we truly love til we marry her, then by golly we are going to conquer that challenge and marry her first. But if we don’t really love her, we’ll leave.

Women, if you want a guy to love you, don’t sleep with him until you are wearing his ring and calling yourself Mrs. Hislastname.

I’m seeing this guy for 8 months now and we’ve already
had sex. When we get together it’s only for sex and never
Takes me out. I really like him but don’t know why he doesn’t
take me out. When I text him he sometimes ignores my text.
Don’t know what to do.

Eric,
I need some help. I am a faithful follower of your “Ask A Guy”. I have been dating this guy for about 3 weeks. Our first date we met out and grabbed a couple of drinks. After that, he has just invited me over his house. We both decided to take things slow, and he decided that we should wait to sleep together. Well, on Saturday night he called me up at 1am to come over (note that we live within a mile from each other) to hang out because he missed me and we hadn’t seen each other in a week. I told him that anything after 10pm is a booty call, and he said that he wants more than just sex…he wants a girlfriend and a relationship eventually. So I bought into it and went over and spent the night. We made out again as usual, and ended up naked, but still did not have any kind of sex.

Fast forward to today…one of my male friends said that he is only using me, and any guy that calls that late at night and only wants to hang out at his house is just using me. I am a pretty girl, pretty smart, and have a great job. I am starting to like him and have feelings, but now I am nervous that he is after the wrong thing. I have believed everything he tells me because he has given me no reason to believe otherwise. I don’t know if I should talk to him about how I feel or just let it ride and ‘steer’ in the direction of actually going out on a date. I let him call me, text me, ask me out, but it is always the same thing.

I don’t want to mess things up, but I don’t want to be used. I want to feel valued and appreciated, and I am not interested in anything that is not moving toward a relationship eventually. I have been playing things cool…not acting needy or anything and I am enjoying myself. Just everytime we are together it is at his place making out. What should I do?

I read your post and put some thought into what to make of your situation. First off, I can’t read this guys mind and neither can anyone else, so we don’t actually know his true intentions. However, I am concerned about the fact that he spend all day Saturday doing whatever it was he did, that didn’t include you at all, and then suddenly after he is done doing whatever it was he was doing, you come to mind. It sounds like he acted on an impulse when he called you at 1am. I suggest you don’t agree to see him if he doesn’t make the plan in advance. I think at least one day in advance. I also noticed he doesn’t have to put forth any effort in this relationship at all. He doesn’t even have to do so much as walk to his car, get in it, and drive to you. Even the pizza delivery guy gets a tip for his gas. I would stop doing that too. If he calls late like that again, just don’t answer the phone.

Tracy,
Thank you! You made some great points that I didn’t even think about. I am at a loss for what to do. Do I talk to him about all this? Or do I just change my actions and reaction to him asking me over by saying I have plans on same day requests, and suggest that we should plan on another day to grab a drink or do something? I do not want to get in the rut of hanging out at his house. Thank you again for opening my eyes more to the situation. I want to turn the situation around, but I don’t know how to.

You know, there is really no right or wrong, or clear cut answer to this situation other than what you like and don’t like. I would say that since you ended up on this site asking questions about this, you must have not liked what is going on. It just may be something simple, like maybe he is just a homebody. Maybe he went a week without seeing you because he is just simply lazy. Maybe he went a week without seeing you because he is out doing other things. Maybe he fears rejection so he isn’t coming on strong. I don’t know the answer to any of this. Do you have any ideas of what he has been up to? The possibilities are endless really. You said you have been seeing him for 3 weeks, but out of the 3 weeks you didn’t see him for a week, so you have limited knowledge of who he is. We both could guess endlessly and never guess correctly. What we do know is that you are not liking what is going on. Sometimes we want something from a guy and we get caught up in wanting what the guy is never going to give, so the worst thing you could do at this point is tell him. Until you know him better it is always a bad idea to expose yourself. Have you heard the saying, “the person with the least amount of interest in maintaining the relationship has the most control”? Well, it sounds like you do want a relationship and he isn’t stepping things up fast enough. You don’t like all this ambiguity. I would not allow myself to open myself to him any more than you already have until he shows something more than he has. In fact, maybe running the other direction just might be a good idea. If he cares about you, he will come after you. And if he is too lazy to do that, then you know what he has to offer. Basically nothing. I am doing a lot of guess work here too since I don’t know anything other than what you have said, but essentially same day requests are a bad idea at this point. Why should you scurry around and get beautiful for some guy that didn’t give you any notice at all? It is only common courtesy to ask in advance so you can arrange your schedule around him. You could say something like, “I would love to see you, but I need at least a day in advance. I wasn’t planning on doing anything tonight, so I am just not in the mood now.” I wish I had a crystal ball for you and had all the answers but this is about the best advice I could give. On the other hand, if he calls up and asks you to do something fun and you actually feel like going, then go. If it is just him wanting you to come deliver the “J pizza”, then forget it:) He needs to put forth more effort than a phone call.

During this “no title” time period, how far is too far on the sexual level? flirting, making out, oral sex…?? I have been dating this guy for almost three months now and have no titles yet whatsoever. Obviously, we are so into each other, and some dates it is so hard to keep our hands off of each other. But i am very cautious on not screwing things up or doing something wrong. So, how far should we sexually go until we are officially bf/gf?

I really am in a position where men only want me for sex and it’s breaking me down more and more every time I meet someone new and the same thing occurs. I don’t know what it is, but I would really really like to know how to stop it!

I recently lost about 84kg, so I’ve gone from morbidly obese and never being noticed to a curvy size 10-12 who apparently drives boys “crazy” (this is them talking, not me). I don’t dress seductively in the slightest; I don’t wear makeup, I don’t wear heels and if you catch me out of my gym clothes and sneakers it’s a lucky day – I live in them! I’m also quite shy about my appearance due to the weightloss, so everything is to the knee or the elbow and my midriff is always covered – no exceptions. So, not sexy I think is the point I’m making.

I get asked out on dates a lot, told I’m beautiful, told they “want” me, can’t stop thinking about me etcetera etcetera. I go on these dates and sometimes they’ll end with a kiss, sometimes with just a goodbye. Each time the guy gets back in touch that night or the next day at latest to tell me how much he liked me. Then I ask what he’s looking for – I didn’t used to, but after multiple bad second and third dates where sex was an expectation I’d rather just ask now. Every time they respond with “well I’m not really looking for a relationship, but .. like .. a friends with benefits arrangement.. would that work for you?”.

As an example, I recently had a couple of dates with a guy I’ve known for a few months. He sent me streams of texts telling me how much he liked me, but because there was a 12 year age gap and he already had children I knew that this was not going to end in a relationship. I let him know that I didn’t think I was what he was looking for, because I really do want to have children in the future and he doesn’t. He responded by asking if we could be friends and I agreed.

I then started receiving dirty messages from him, telling me all the naughty things he wanted to do with his new friend (me). I responded by telling him I didn’t appreciate being spoken to like a walking glory hole and that if that was the kind of friendship he was after he had the wrong girl. He’s no longer talking to me.

So, what is it? I’m young(ish) (26), I’m fit, I’m healthy, I’m intelligent, I have a full time job in IT and a part time job as a personal trainer, I like going to footy games, my favourite hobbies include camping, fishing, cycling and bushwalking … in my own mind, I’m a catch to hold on to, so why am I continually treated like the cheap throw-away toy kids get at Christmas???

I know what you mean. I am in the exact same situation. All the guys I meet seem to end up just thinking of me as their booty-call.
Even if I tell the guy upfront that I’m not interested in a friends with benefits thing, he will always end up asking me those obvious stupid perv questions: what are you wearing/send me a pic etc etc.
Even if I do like the guy, this forward-ness always puts me off.

I would be the perfect girl friend…so i dont understand why none of these men want a serious relationship with me.
We have to hang in there…im sure our Men are out there somewhere

Hi, I was reading this and wondered where you are meeting these guys. I think that is going to determine the type of man you meet. I would steer clear of online dating and meeting guys in bars. That seems to be the type that act the way you described. Good luck!

The first thing I’d like to say is that, reading through the comments, you seem to give a lot of great common-sense advice to girls/women in general.

However, I have to say I think it’s more than a little naïve to suggest that online “dating” and bars are the only places you can meet men who behave like this. It isn’t about a “type” of man. You can meet men like this at the library, wearing your business suit. I met an executive vice president at a networking meeting who, a few weeks later, was (though in a subtle, suavely-couched way) inquiring about the equivalent of a “booty-call”.

It’s about how to steer a man away from that type of behavior, wherever you meet him and whatever you perceive his “type” to be. It’s not about a “type” of man.

my friend set me up with one of her guy friends and at first it was good. one mistake was we had sex the first night we met and have continued to since. but about 3 weeks after we started seeing each other he told me he just wanted to be friends. so i just stopped talking to him. but 3 weeks ago i found out i was pregnant and i had to call him and tell him. he was calm about it and has been texting me every morning and we have been going out on what seem like dates ( he pays for everything). we started having sex again. he said he stiLl wants to be just friends but yet he wants to see me more. it just confuses me and i dont know whats going on. he acts like we are dating and seems to care a lot about me, but is it just because im pregnant?

Why are you agreeing to once per week only there are 7 days in a week? Are these visits only during the week? What about weekends? What about communication? How often? Just curious. If you saw him more that once per week would you still feel the same?

I’ve currently been in a 4 month relationship with my guy, we made the relationship sexual 3 months in…so we’ve had sex about 5 times tops since taking the next step with our relationship, mostly because we don’t live in the same city…he is about 3 hours away from me so we see other once a week…tops.

One of the biggest problems I have is he does not stay after we have sex and it emotionally gets to me sometimes because he’ll leave 15 minutes after we’re done (but sometimes I’m perfectly fine and I don’t feel bad or anything), a big reason he doesn’t stay is because of the distance I believe, and sometimes we do see each other during the week and he has to be back to work the next day and I work a regular 9-5 during the week so I have to be up and out of my house early during the week. Is there a way I can make myself feel any better about this situation, I broached the subject with him and I know it made him feel bad that I was feeling this way and he said that if it made me feel any better we just wouldn’t have sex when he couldn’t stay but I have a feeling if we have that rule sex will probably be far and few between b/c of the physical distance.

Of course I enjoy sex with him and I’m really in the dilemma of not wanting to give that up but at the same time I’m worried the next time he leaves it will trigger something in me that sees him leaving me right after as a bad thing. Is there any way I can make myself feel better about his leaving or anyway to ease my emotions.

I just recently pulled myself out of a situation that sounds exactly the same as this but I was never committed to the person. I wanted something that he could not offer. I am just curious if you guys are still together?

Id say if he really likes you,the title will come in time but be patient.My BF and I dated for a good while for nearly a year before making it official and I had met his parents and a couple friends prior.Trust me if you both genuinely like eachother don’t rush for the title.Look at it this way,there are so many women out there just absolutely in love with the idea of marriage and they want it NOW,but take a look at divorce rates & such and how many men/women cheat on their spouse:a lot of it has to do with rushing into situations without really knowing the person,it takes time;anyways my point is that trying to push for a title may just do you more harm than good in the end.

I have liked this guy for quite some time, I told him, we started hanging out. One night he made out with me, and then we went to bed. However I did not have sex with him, though I do believe he attempted for things to go that way. In the morning he got up and left me in his apartment alone with his roommate. He later texted me and apologized for that night? Then when I tried to talk to him about it he told me he wasn’t interested. And then later on proceeded to tell me he wanted to be my friend. Also he always wants to hang out at my place now, and he has started texting me almost every day. Based on his body language and actions I don’t believe he isn’t interested. Im getting really confused now though? Im thinking it’s either he got scared that I was moving too fast or the fact that I rejected him that night or he really just wants to be friends? But what boy ever really just wants to be friends? Also he is the only guy ever who has rejected me, which is likely why I can’t get over him. Help? Opinions?

Men are dogs and excuse me for saying that but he is the one feeling rejected. I would be very careful with this guy. As you guys didn’t have sex, now you’re a challenge and he will do anything to get you in the sack. He may be honest but I would watch out for a quick turnaround of things:)

So there’s this guy that I met a while back and he kept asking for my number and I thought he was cute so finally I gave in to it then he would txt me here and there and would ask me to hang out but I was nervous so I would brush it off and say maybe another time but then a few months later I Hung out with his friend which is my friend and then we started txtn a lot ( me and the guy not the friend) so finally I gave in and Hung out at his house and he’s into music and does some recordings so we started to hangout almost everyday/ night like parties or going to his studio to record and I stayed with him one night and we kissed and what not he was really respectful and didn’t pressure me into anything but I gave him oral which I never do unless I really like. Guy and the next day we talked about it and I told him I’m jot the clingy type so he doesnt have to worry about anything so then a few days later I united him to stay the night and watch a movie with me we had some wine but I was still sober and so we were laying down and then we started kissing which led to sex now I regret it a little because he hasn’t txtd me first showing intrest and I really did start liking him but its been 2 days since he’s txtd me and he told me before he came over he really enjoyed my company and likes to hangout with me … Idk maybe I’m over reacting? Should I not txt him and wait for him to txt me first? HELPPP:(

someone answer me..a guy greeted me this morning and wehad a short conversation. And then he siad he likes my appearence ,he said he wants to sleep with me and he will give me for that.I was so angry and it made me feel like “Who I am” what did i do to make him say like that? Well i amso sad?? help

I reconnected with a guy I went to school with about 2 months ago. We hadn’t seen each other for 30 years. I’m currently in the middle of separating from my husband, so when Dave (my friend from school) asked me out to dinner via Facebook, I felt it would be really nice to see him and we agreed on a place and time. We had a nice dinner, brought a change of casual clothes with us so we could continue the date a little longer and we went for a long walk. We ended up taking a midnight drive down to the ocean and parked at the beach to look at the night sky. In the end we ended up in the back of my SUV making out for almost 2 hours! He e-mailed me first thing the next day telling me that I was awesome and that he’d love to spend more time with me. He has sent me multiple e-mails everyday for the last two months, but I’m starting to wonder if the e-mails are just lip service in order to keep the sexual relationship in place. Another problem here is that we live about 100 kms from each other and can only see each other 2 -3 times a week. Have have 2 teenagers still living at home, so it’s not really a good idea to meet here yet as my husband only moved out about 3 weeks ago. So I find that I’m the one asking for dates and I really hate it. My friends are telling me that it has to be that way for now because he doesn’t have baggage and I go to him when it’s convenient for me. The break-up with my husband has left me feeling insecure and I’m wanting to ask this guy if he really likes me or is it just the sex. I find I’ve been over analyzing his body language and frankly I think that I’m tormenting myself. But I do want to know if he actually likes me and where he thinks the relationship will go. What’s the best way to do this??? Or should I just leave it be for awhile?

Well, on the other hand, I have a guy who is very eager to commit to me. After date number 2, he asked me to be exclusive and for some unforeseen reason, he had to go out of town, poof, did not see or hear from him for weeks. Came back a few weeks later, wanting to pick up where we left off and been consistent in calling, making plans. We went out for a couple of dates, discussed being exclusive again, been intimate. Just so coincidentally, his start up is keeping him very busy and I barely hear from him once a week. I’d like to hear what others have to say. I don’t mind following his lead and I have no question that he is busy. with all the respect and understanding, i knew he is busy with work but I am a girl afterall, I wish he had called to say hi and I did miss him. Perhaps our age difference plays a big part in our priorities. He is 21 years senior and I am in my early 30s. Thoughts?

Eric- Thank you so much for your response. Too many websites with posters suffering this same dilemma (“Why aren’t we gf/bf?”) say to just talk about it. I appreciate the fact that you address the person with the problem, instead of “fixing” the person who seems to be happy without a title. I am in the exact same situation as the OP, and reading your response helped me to realize that there’s nothing wrong with the way things are going with my guy, and that there’s a fine line between finding a problem, and creating one. Well done.
-Alyssa

Charlotte
I’m also seeing a guy at the moment he also justs texts I bin seeing him for 9 months now he never says what he wants just comes to see me when am not at work can’t work him out either he doesn’t even take me out he never says no he just does too mutch talking and not enough doing.

Hey, I have a question but I don’t know where to subscribe to be able to ask a question…. I live in the UK and am/was seeing an american guy. Very strange altogether. I’ve never used these relationship advice things and would like to get a perspective from american people cause I don’t know any in the UK and have no american friends. I guess you could say I like this guy enough to do something I normally wouldn’t do, especially if I was with an English bloke. So anyway, I met this guy, Ethan being his name, about three months ago.

Ethan had been sitting at a table having coffee on his own and kept glancing over at my table at a cafe on a Sunday afternoon . I had headphones in and looking out the window but could tell from the corner of my eye that he was looking at me. After 10-5mins, he came over to me and struck up conversation (there were other free tables in the cafe mind you). I smiled and we were talking for about two-three hours. I thought it was so cute that he came over to talk to me in the middle of the afternoon cause this is very rare (at least for me and my friends) in the UK. He asked for my number and texted me when he left saying, “enjoy your break in paris” … I was heading off to Paris to visit a friend. I texted back saying thanks. He never texted while I was away and I texted him when I got back saying hello. He texted back and we were just talking, general chit chat. Then he just disappeared for a week and rang me a week later saying hello. We met up for dinner, great fun, he held my hand, hugged me bla bla bla right. But he didn’t text after the date to say “good to see you again”, instead I texted saying that and no reply. Two days later I get a text saying do you wanna go out for dinner again … I was like sure. We met up, had another great night, he never texted after that date either. He rarely texts, maybe every two to four days so I ended up saying I couldn’t deal with it and so we stopped seeing each other but I had borrowed a book from him so I asked would he meet me for coffee as friends and I explained that I never meant any harm by ending the dates, I’m not used to random texting and he said that’s fine and was really glad we’re still friends. Unfortunately I still liked him so when we met up, we ended up kissing and spending the night together btu nothings more than kissing happened.

Days went by, didn’t see him (but was texting him albeit rarely) for weeks and I ended up asking him what it is he wants cause his texts are rather confusing. He didn’t say what he wants, he just said he wasn’t seeing anyone else or having random hanky-panky with anyone. He then said he wanted to talk about this when he got back from a work trip away. I didn’t reply. He texted when he got back saying hello .. didn’t ask me to meet him to talk or anything. So now, I text him back every second day after he texts. It’s really weird. If I didn’t like him, I’d end it. Do you think that’s the best thing to do? I really don’t want to end it cause I like him but maybe he doesn’t like me as much as I like him… I also find it difficult understanding is texting style. Is it an american thing to rarely text?? Or is it just that “he’s not that into me” and so doesn’t feel the need to text? I’ll be gutted to say goodbye but hey, there’s more fish in the sea :). Oh and random goodnight texts without previous conversation, what’s that about? Is that also an american thing or what’s up?? Help!!

I’ll tell you this, and no i am not a guy. I’ve been talking to the same guy for about 5 months now, he acts like my boyfriend and I did not take sex away from him. He calls me and tells me what he is doing, asks me to come over, sees me almost every other day, the title is just not there. The only thing that bothers females is the title to claim he is yours. Well, in my opinion, i can not claim him but we get along sooooo good. I kind of like the fact we aren’t titled. i did however, warn him and say if he does do something or anythign with someone, and if i find out i am leaving and not going to be around anymore, which of course would be his loss to lose such a cool girl and i believe he understands my point. in the end, i get the satisfaction and so does he. so he knows my standards and i play his game just as well.

He is just having sex with you until the next better thing comes around. Break up with him ASAP and as much as you want to call him don’t give in. Call your girlfriends and tell them you want to hang out. Spend as much as time you have without him. He is using you for sex.

i read your why he doesnt call me his girlfriend article, but what if my best friend says he told her something. should i believe her?
because he acts totally different when hes with me.
i think hes an undercover romantic.

ok so i read your why he doesnt call you his girl friend, but what if your best friend tells you stuff that she heard from his mouth?
shoould i believe her?
because he acts totally different when hes with me.
im thinking hes an undercover ssweet heart. and i dont want to believe her

As a guy currently in a similar situation and who has dated a lot, here is the bottom line. Sex is a lot of things to a lot of people. For the most part is a GOOD thing.

HOWEVER, in a ONGOING RELATIONSHIP sex is not a weapon or tool to be wielded in order to get your way. That act, just one time, turns sex into a BAD thing and no one wants BAD sex. Everytime that has happened to me that relationship crashed, FAST.

Edit: I wrote this response because I thought Cal’s response was towards my comments, but it was not. My bad. :-P
.
“I could not disagree more. You don’t put the person through a series of situations to see if they are real. Your relationship progresses and as they progress things happen.”
.
Cal, you’re saying that you “could not disagree more” and yet there is nothing in explanation that disagrees with what I’ve said and in fact agrees with everything I’m talking about. I do not understand what you’re reacting to here, other than maybe you don’t like the use of the word “testing”. “Thoughtfully observing” could be used just as effectively to describe what I’m talking about, but I am using the term “testing” because it’s been used in other woman-facing publications that talk about this sort of thing so I figured I would use a term that’s already being used.
.
With that said, I don’t disagree with what you’re saying. I should point out though that there are reasons that I answer the questions that come in the way that I do.
.
The truth of the matter is that with every question that comes in, a person could write a book to respond to it. Just depends on the depth to which they want to answer it from.
.
When I write up an answer, I get a feeling for where the person is at in that moment and how to pop them out of whatever limiting thought pattern they’re caught up in, then give them a more empowering perspective to come from. And once in that place of empowerment, I do my best to give them a seed for insight.
.
Do I believe in open communication in a relationship? Sure. But that assumes rationality on part of both parties to discuss a topic that is extremely emotionally-loaded for at least one of them. So assuming that having that discussion is going to go smoothly is unlikely until the person that is emotionally wound-up calms down and then infuses how they’re looking at the situation with insight.
.
Otherwise, a discussion can happen where assumptions get made, egos get engaged and both parties dig their feet into the sand. Instead of achieving resolution, the couple creates a sore spot and separation.
.
Typical relationship advice columns push towards advising the person to take some kind of action with the other person. It is my opinion that the majority of the time, the real issue has to do with how the person is looking at the situation. Thinking is the root to the actions and behaviors… so addressing the thinking is what I aim to do in most cases.
.
Once that’s happened, then they’ll know the right thing to do. If it needs to be talked about, then it will happen, but it will happen from a place of clarity and the discussion will have a much better chance to go in a positive direction.
.
So that is specifically why I did not say, “Just talk about it with him.” It’s not pussy-footing, it’s not anti-“open communication”. It’s advocating prudence, personal insight and personal growth, instead of encouraging a situation where her emotional discomfort would compel her to pressure the guy to give her the clarity and resolution (and ultimately inner peace) that introspection would give her.
.
This is all my opinion – I’m not saying it’s the only way or that it’s the “right” way, but I think I make a good case for my perspective. Go for personal insight first, then get the other person’s perspective once they’ve calmed down – like you said, different people have different definitions of what that would means to them.
.
In the end, people are going to do what they’re going to do and the only person that can stop them from doing that is themselves. So, generally speaking, I do not take the position of advising people of what they “should” do, but rather how they can get perspective on the situation (so that they come to a good conclusion themselves and pursue their course of action with confidence.)

I have been talking seeing this guy for a while now and i feel as though youre speaking his mind.
He has often used the phrase oh, i was just testing you. Or does something looking for a reaction. In arguments, i choose words to fix things and he always says words will only make it worse if either one of us is emotional.

I could not disagree more. You don’t put the person through a series of situations to see if they are real. Your relationship progresses and as they progress things happen. Meeting the family has always been the big one for me, in my case it seems to be different than others.

I don’t bring my girlfriend to see if she’ll fit. For me, I am showing my girl off because I am happy and proud and feel great to have her in my life and I want my family to see how good my life is with her. Hell, most people are on their best behavior when meeting the other persons family and friends so it’s really a poor way of trying to determine if they fit.

Going further, no one will know your girlfriend/boyfriend better than your own self because you are the one spending all the time with them. Too often we make excuses for the qualities we do not like in our partner and as a result never address them. Sometimes these little problems are in fact only little problems but they all add up when more problems start popping up.

Back to the topic of the “Girlfriend tag”, Dansully’s post here shows just how silly it is to put too much stock in a simple word. Girlfriend to him is the highest measure of a relationship and he won’t use it lightly. For myself, it’s the moment I’ve decided I’m only interested in dating the girl I am seeing, to me it is a mark that simply says I am willing to see if we have a future. I’ve know guys who use the word right out of the box.

Yes Eric, I did get the idea of testing you are putting across, the point I am trying to make is that the girl who posted this question is a bit confused. She is equating ‘dating’ with the word ‘girlfriend’. Clearly they are dating, they have met family, they are having sex, they spend a lot of time together. This is dating! Her problem stems from the desire to be called his girlfriend (which by the way, you clearly are as well in most peoples eyes) and she now thinks that in order to get the tag, maybe withholding sex would be a good idea.

When you come out with the word testing after this question then some might get the idea that to purposely test a person in this manner is acceptable behavior. I am glad you emphatically squashed that thought!

Ideally we all should have “insights and investigation” into our relationships. That is to say, we should not discard items we don’t like in a relationship as being nothing. Don’t test or examine, deal with it either with the person or without them.

In this case, ask yourself how important being called girlfriend is to you when everything already suggests that you are his girlfriend (dealing with it by yourself). Is that word important? If so, have a discussion with the guy (dealing with it with him). And I mean discussion, don’t make a demand (as Eric put so well regarding engaging egos), have a frank talk with him and ask him why he does not introduce you as his girlfriend. Then make a decision on your future based on whether you can live with that answer.

Look, if you are having this issue so early in a relationship but like the relationship, I highly encourage having the talk. Opening communication early in relationships can lay a fantastic foundation. To hell with the pussy footing I say!

From what I understand about “testing” – you put the person through a series of situations to see if they are the real thing. One test is to see what happens when they meet your family or best friend, another might be taking them to do an activity that is your favorite thing to do, or meeting your dog, etc. It is not a “trick”, it is just to see if they fit.

I can see where the question asker wondered about witholding sex because she may be feeling “that’s what girlfriends/boyfriends and married couples do, not casual friends.” Well, you have already crossed that bridge, so you can’t take it back. Taking it back because of “the word” will mess things up. I will tell you I am with a wonderful man, we click on so many levels, and we both are on the same page on everything, but he introduces me as my name rather than “my girlfriend.” I am just glad he introduces me period :)

I do admit, I was in a relationship before where I was hung up on the title and I was all messed up about it.

You want to be a girlfriend after only two months, that rings of desperation to me. I’m with Eric that no one is in it JUST for the sex, but GIRLFRIEND is only one step away from FIANCE if you are traveling that archaic path, and the term shouldn’t be used so loosely. I don’t believe in marriage so Girlfriend is the pinnacle of relationship status as far as I’m concerned, basically if you are still using rubbers, you aren’t into each other enough to be exclusive. BUT WHAT ABOUT STDs, if you aren’t mature enough to ask someone you are sleeping with to go get tested with you, you aren’t mature enough for sex or relationships, go back to middle school.

I do not advocate games or manipulation. But I do encourage insights and investigation. That is to say, if I’m doing something anyway (e.g. I am not labeling the relationship as a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship), then I am going to note the woman’s response.

Games and manipulation are the opposite of a relationship. Even if you are successful in getting whatever you’re setting out to get, you’ll always wonder if the person really wanted to do what you wanted them to, or if it was just your manipulation that produced it.

But yes, if it’s not abundantly clear, I definitely do not advocate games or manipulations.

Let me expand on what I mean and what I do not mean when I say “testing”. When I say testing, I am talking about a perspective. A trap that a lot of people get into is they blindly move through the beginning of the relationship without looking at anything critically or sizing up what’s happening. They just believe that love will work itself out and that any personality differences will dissolve in the face of love.

I don’t want to sound cynical (and I’m not by nature – I’m a die-hard optimist), but it’s important that we step back from time to time and look at things objectively, especially at the beginning of the relationship. That’s what I mean by testing as a perspective.

What I do not mean is to willfully manipulate, lie or intentionally miscommunicate something to see how the other person reacts and then judge them for it. That would be messed-up on many different levels. But it’s a fact of life that sooner or later something will come up that the guy or girl doesn’t like or doesn’t agree with and that’s a moment that we should take note of and not bury our heads in the sand.

To answer concisely: Do what you’re doing, be real, but be aware of what’s going on. Use insight, not manipulation.

I guess the real question (to me) is why do you want to withhold sex now? Is it to get the “Girlfriend” tag or are you really just uncomfortable with having sex with a guy who has not wanted to show that level of commitment? A relationship is no place for games. Have you tried asking him why he does not call you his girlfriend? If you like the answer, keep the relationship, if you don’t move on.

Eric, are you honestly suggesting that it’s a good idea to test people to reduce the risk of heartbreak? It’s just my opinion but if you feel the need to test a persons reaction (games, games, games) early in a relationship then you should probably step back and start asking if you are ready for a relationship. Part of entering a relationship is being ready to take the chance that you are going to be hurt.

Agreed however on “focus on sizing up the relationship”. All too often we make excuses for parts of a relationship that we are not happy with. Ask yourself how important it is to you. Your answer will tell you what to do.