Reader Recovery Stories: Dana’s Journey to Food Freedom

In the midst of a busy season where I don’t have the capacity to generate original content regulary, I’m opening up this space to share others’ stories of food freedom and true health. If it’s on your heart to share, email me at [email protected] My hope is that these stories encourage + refresh you, breathe new life into your soul, drown out lies with truth, and flood your heart with unrelenting grace.

The beautiful Dana, a Nutshell client, emailed me with this fearlessly, vulnerable story and I can’t wait to share it with you all. She was a joy to work with and from the start, she was all gas, no brake. I hope her rich transparency and fierce transformation inspires and blesses you like crazy!

I can’t pinpoint how it started – the negative body image, the over exercising and undereating – maybe it’s always been a part of who I am? I’m admittingly all things Type A – obsessive, perfectionist, detailed.

I remember “dabbling” in disordered thoughts and some actions in high school. Trying diet pills (bought from the local dollar general), trying to make myself throw up (but never actually succeeding), trying to see how many hours I could go without eating or only eating carrot sticks all day long. It never lasted though. .I just thought they were normal thoughts of any young girl who thought they could stand to lose 5 pounds.

The first actual disordered eating/calorie counting/exercising actually happened in my later 20’s (26 to be exact – in July of 2009) – before that I would just randomly diet but never anything I’d consider an eating disorder (or as I’d rather refer to it: disorderly eating). I started counting calories and thinking I should only eat 1,200 – I’d give myself a free day once a week – I logged it in a notebook or excel spreadsheet meticulously (this was before smart phones). Of course anything under 1,200 was a great accomplishment. I wouldnâ€™t eat anything unless it came from a package and I knew the exact calorie count. I literally ate processed food 100% of the time. On the workout end of the spectrum I was spending an hour plus at the gym every day, allowing myself one day off a week but of course thinking it was great those weeks I didn’t miss any days. I couldn’t “count” it as a workout unless I was at the gym one or more hours. They only thing I did at the gym was cardio – a mix of the treadmill, elliptical and stationary bike. If it was nice outside sometimes I’d substitute running outside. Looking back I have no clue how I survived this – how did I have energy to get me through each day? I was still always trying to lose that last 10 pounds -that wouldn’t budge.

Then I got pregnant in October 2010 and allowed myself to eat whatever I wanted. I gained 60+ during my pregnancy. Thankfully my son was born healthy. My thoughts after having him about my body and my weight were not healthy though. I was so miserable. I was trying to work out one hour a day – taking my baby to the gym with me. trying to exist on 1,200 calories and top that off with little sleep – I was miserable. I knew I couldn’t go back to the calorie counting/constant exercise again. So, I did what any person looking to lose weight does – I started googling! After googling “how to lose post pregnancy weight” I found a program “Fit Yummy Mummy” ran by Holly Rigsby (probably around September 2011). I remember putting my credit card information in to buy the book and the fear that I was getting scammed. Luckily it was not a scam, but a system that was very much what I needed – she taught eating whole healthy foods, not restricting calories and three 30 minute workouts a week. I was leery that I could eat more, workout less and lose weight so I was scared to start -but I started like I do anything else, all in. I tossed all processed food and started. Results started happening right away. I was so thrilled. Fit Yummy Mummy (FYM) has an online forum where you can journal and connect with other women, and I made a lifelong connection with another mom and we supported each other through every day of our journey. I’m still so thankful I found FYM (I’ve even got to meet both the “owner” and the friend I connected with).

However, because of the perfectionist I am I took it one step further and turned it into something unhealthy. I got on the “clean eating” bandwagon and went crazy and rarely ate anything processed – going as far as bringing my own food places and not going places for fear of the food there.

I stayed on the clean eating “train” for around a year and a half to two years thinking I was being SOOO healthy – I even started combining it with calorie countingI just started feeling like I wasn’t living life “right” (I was also eating at very strict times and barely any carbohydrates) – I wouldn’t do spur of the moment things/trips I couldn’t control my food at, when we did go to my parents for dinner I’d take my own food, I’d even take my own food on shopping days and eat in my car. Not to mention when I would allow myself something against my rules I would completely binge on it. I just started praying about it and asking for guidance and literally stumbled across Robyn’s blog after a short time of prayer. I spent a long time reading her blog before deciding to contact her – but I knew I wanted her balance and I needed someone to tell me it was ok not to be perfect. I was so scared of weight gain that I needed reassurance that I wasn’t going to just gain weight uncontrollably.

So, I reached out and began working with Robyn. I started being more free with the foods I ate. I didn’t turn my husband down when he wanted to go out to eat. I didn;t eat before functions centered around food, instead eating the food available, I stopped eating because it was a certain time and started eating when I was hungry instead, I started doing more stuff spur of the moment without worrying when and where I would eat. I gained some weight at the very beginning, I don’t know how much because of my bad relationship with the scale I had made the (positive) move to get rid of it a year or so ago, but it wasn’t a lot, not enough that people even noticed – but going in I prepared myself for that (with a lot of anxiety along the way) – I was determined to find my “set weight point” and it’s been 7 months and I am slowly having faith that I am there. I’ve made it through the holidays, through a Mexico vacation, through so many spur of the moment trips that involved having to eat out, through a trip to Chicago – and I’m maintaining a healthy weight that is right for MY body.

I still have days where my head tells me I should restrict, or watch my carbs, or not eat something processed so I can lose that minimal amount of weight I gained but as soon as I recognize that negative self-talk I can usually pretty quickly remind myself how much better life is now without constantly worrying about food. I still eat pretty healthy day to day – because I feel good when I eat good – but I sprinkle the fun stuff in without worrying about it or keeping track. Thinking about the things I would have missed over the last 7 months if I hadn’t contacted Robyn makes me sad. What makes me even sadder is the stuff I DID miss before contacting Robyn – but I’m moving forward and thanking God every day for walking with me through this journey and continuing to guide and heal me. I still have to fight the negative talk often – hopefully with time that will decrease – but overall I’m so thankful to be on the path to living a healthy lifestyle that includes moderation (for real this time)!

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