“Prepare yourself” – damn straight

This is a parody, right? Some enterprising wiseacre with editing skills and a rudimentary grasp of CGI made this for the YouTube lulz? ‘Cause if not, I just don’t get it. I think as far as shitty-looking, childhood-raping, hip-hop-ized, designed-by-committee swill, this is the pure stuff; they must have spent hours reducing this just to ensure that nothing about it was accidentally tolerable.

Two further points:

1. Neal Patrick Harris. Really? I like you, man, don’t do this shit. Leave it to the David Crosses of the world.

2. When I loaded this page, the trailer played on an endless loop. I watched it three times in horror, then opened a new tab to write this post while the trailer continued to torment me via my computer speakers. I expect this means that I am now in hell. Room 1, eternal hot pokering in various orifices. Room 2, eternal “Smurfs” trailer.

Superficially, it’s not nearly as terrible as the Marmaduke trailer (probably the gold standard for “I can’t watch this” advertising). But this is basically a distillation of exactly what you would expect any movie version of an 80s cartoon to be: crappy hip hop soundtrack to hip it up and urbanize it (but in a safe way – we’re trying to appeal to WHITE kids here!) – and they integrated the well-known theme music, naturally; stupid faux-epic intro with really bad computer effects; and the Smurfs themselves not in little mushrooms in a forest, but running around in a modern big city (a la Jason, the Muppets, the T-Rex in Jurassic Park 2, and many intrepid film fishes-out-of-water before). Oh, and they can’t use “smurfed” – it has to be “smurf’d” (hip! 12 year old YouTubers will love it!).

So yeah, it could have been worse. Papa Smurf could wear shades and rap. There could be a talking dog or cat or baby. Neal Patrick Harris could appear in blue makeup and a white hat, and maybe a big Flavor Flav clock around his neck. It could be extraordinarily awful, and it isn’t. But like I said… this is the pure stuff. It’s just exactly what you’d expect. I didn’t cover my eyes in horror, I just sighed in exhausted despair.

FBI Listening List

The Devil's Blood, "Come Reap"

Given the band name and album cover, and this blog's musical predilections, you'd be forgiven for thinking this was another death metal band. Actually they're a retro rock/metal band that sounds like the perfect choice to do a new soundtrack for the original "Wicker Man" - somewhere between early Heart, Jethro Tull, and Sabbath, with a serious occult fixation. If we had a time machine and lived in hell this band would be on the radio all day long.

The Soviettes, "LP III"

Yelpy female-fronted punk with close precedents in the frantic, minimalist likes of Wire and Stiff Little Fingers. People who like the original punk bands and are tired of the Warped Tour can find refuge here.

Tiwony, "Viv La Vi"

French creole dancehall from Ethiopia. And really really good, even though I don't understand 2/3 of it. You'll have to Google it - I found it on one obscure legal download site and one seller of French music of all types.

Behemoth, "Evangelion"

Not named after the anime. Behemoth is just a beast in their genre - over-the-top death metal with black metal overtones and a taste for ancient mythology and Egyptian-sounding riffs. I find them a little more accessible than Nile, their kissing cousin both musically and lyrically.