Also True: He Sucks At Doing Dishes

Also True: He Sucks At Doing Dishes

Do you have trouble getting your significant other to do housework and the dishes? If you answered that question with a yes, chances are your significant other is a heterosexual male, according to the results of one recent survey, at least. The good news is that the same survey found that couples in which there’s a more equitable division of household chores, there’s also more satisfaction with the relationship, and in many cases, more sex as well.

Calico is happy to hear about these survey results — but still skeptical as to whether she can use them to inspire her husband to do more around the house. Among other things, the guy has stumbled across a potent approach to avoiding housework, by selectively demonstrating a stubborn inability to perform simple tasks he doesn’t like doing.

Will these survey results help Calico find greater marital bliss, or will her lazy lump of a man find new and improved work-avoidance techniques? Find out in her latest post, “Also True: He Sucks At Doing Dishes”

When I read survey results, quite often I find myself feeling like an even bigger weirdo, or more out of touch with other people, than I did before looking at those results.

For example, one survey I read about recently asked 2000 Americans to identify their “dream car” and 61% of the women surveyed said it was the Ford Mustang. I, on the other hand, would rather ride around in a carriage pulled by literal mustangs than fork over the kind of money it takes to get my hands on one of the cars named after the majestic creatures.

Another survey, this one conducted on behalf of Groupon, found that 40% of moms fake their reactions to Mother’s Day gifts. I don’t so much disagree with or find myself confused by this result as I am surprised by it; I simply had no idea so many men were getting their wives aorgasms for Mother’s Day!

Today, though, I had the rare experience of reading a set of survey results and thinking to myself, “yeah that sounds about right.” And what did the survey in question explore, you ask? It looked for a connection between sharing household chores and being satisfied in your relationship.

Offhand, this survey sounds like something I might be able to use to get that lazy as a lump bastard my husband to get off his ass contribute a bit more in terms of doing chores and the dishes around the house.

In other words, now we’re talking about a useful survey!

It’s All Relative – And I’m ‘Relatively’ Doing A Lot More Around This Joint

While I’m not sure why a site called CreditLoan.com is asking randomly selected people questions about their degree of satisfaction in their relationship, I was heartened to see it link off to an article with the headline “Women, Doing All The Household Chores Is Bad For Your Relationship.” That’s one claim I’m more than happy to accept as completely true, without even examining the evidence cited in support of it.

After all, implicit in that headline is the notion I should do less around the house, while my husband should do more – although I think we’d better set the bar with more precision than that, because realistically, taking out the trash twice a week would represent an increase of roughly 100% in his contribution to cleaning up around here.

Anyway, back to the survey – which indicates, among other things, “women spent more than twice as much time doing laundry and dishes than men.”

This sounds about right to me, although I must admit I don’t spend very much time doing laundry. It’s just that if my time spent doing laundry is represented by the size of a grape (a symbol borrowed from my favorite analogy for planetary size), then the time my husband spends doing laundry is proportionately represented by a single grain of quinoa.

Women Beware: Incompetence Can Be Weaponized!

In reading about all the things women do much more of around the house than do their male counterparts, like cooking, folding laundry, mopping, cleaning the bathroom and making logical sense with their arguments (OK, admittedly, that last one may not have been covered in the survey), I find myself wondering if a lot of other men around the country have adopted a strategy my husband employs, which I’ve taken to calling “SSI” – which is short for “Strategic and Selective Incompetence.”

For instance, I find it rather remarkable that a man who can reliably use his fingers to play relatively complex pieces of music on several different instruments cannot reliably use a drill, or a screwdriver, or virtually any implement used for things we describe as “work,” unless the implement in question has a screen and keyboard of some kind attached to it.

SSI has served my husband well over the years, as I typically respond to his (feigned, I believe) lack of competence with the sort of impatience which results in me saying something like “Fine, just give me the damn thing and I’ll do it myself.”

Come to think of it, confronting food stuck to my plates on several occasions led to me doing the dishes every night, just as one too many white garments gone vaguely pink eventually resulted in him being excused from laundry duty.

Victory Is Mine…. Sort Of?

Armed with the results of this survey, I sat down with my husband to have a chat about him chipping in more with the household chores, full of hope that the prospect of being more satisfied in our relationship could inspire him to be more domestically productive, so to speak.

After listening carefully (or, more likely, managing to convincingly pretend he was listening while silently fantasizing about doing literally anything other than listening to me) he looked thoughtful for a moment, then started offering ideas for all the things he’d be willing to do more of, in the interest of marital harmony.

That was two days ago – and while I’m happy to have the front yard cleaned up, the kitchen counters clean as the proverbial whistle and a nearly dust-free set of shelves in the living room, part of me thinks I’m being set up for a fall here, because when I tried to initiate sex last night, my husband said he was “too worn out” to reciprocate my amorous affections.

I suppose I should have seen this coming. But if he thinks he’s being clever by withholding sex and this is going to get me to cave in and do all the work again, we’ll just see how he feels about that when I take a younger lover on the side!

What’s that you say, my beloved survey results? Millennial women are doing less housework than the generations of women who preceded them, but “it doesn’t appear their millennial male peers are assuming more housework as a result”?

So, in other words, if I take a younger lover, I’m just going to be stuck washing his underwear, too?

Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the web’s original porn site for women by women. With over 16 years’ experience of writing about and for the adult entertainment industry under her belt, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.

Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the web’s original porn site for women by women. With over 16 years’ experience of writing about and for the adult entertainment industry under her belt, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite. Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.

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