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Friday, July 27, 2012

You Were Always There, Chapter 17

Finally, Lou realized the people around
her were their friends, trying to help.
In no time, they’d moved Ike to a bed in the Metcalfes’ living
quarters. Isaac Brown began cutting
Ike’s shirt off him. Emily moved in to
help. Lou, feeling useless, slowly began
to move toward the back of the room as the others worked frantically over him.

“The good news is the bullet went right
through,” Isaac said softly. “We’ll just
need to clean the wound and then wait.
If it didn’t hit anything vital, and he doesn’t catch a wound fever,
he’ll be alright.”

**********

Lou was grateful to their friends for
arranging to bring Ike back to their cabin, where she could tend him in the
comfort of his own bed.

“Don’t you die on me, Ike McSwain,” she
muttered. “Don’t you dare leave me alone
after all this.”

Through the night she kept her silent,
lonely vigil, watching his chest to make sure it kept rising and falling,
constantly checking to make sure he wasn’t feverish. The quiet gave her a lot of time to
think. And she didn’t like where her
thoughts were taking her.

Once again someone she loved was in
danger, might already be dying, because of her.
Because whatever curse she was under refused to let her pay for her
sins, but always punished those she loved.
And she did. She loved Ike. That was the other mistake she’d made. She’d let herself fall in love with her own
husband. Had she only realized it in
time to lose him?

Shortly after dawn, a knock sounded
softly on the door. Rising tiredly to
her feet, Lou moved toward the sound.
Opening the portal, she saw Emily standing diffidently on the steps,
twisting her hands together in front of her.

“I came to help,” Emily said.

Lou just looked at the other woman
dumbly for a moment, then she stepped back and let the her in. Maybe this was her answer, she thought sadly.

“How is he?”

“No change,” Lou said. “No fever, but he hasn’t woken up, either.”

Emily nodded as she moved over to stand
beside the bed, staring down at a pale Ike, his chest heavily bandaged. “I feel so guilty,” she said. “My flirting is why he’s here.”

“No,” Lou said. “It’s not your fault.” It was hers, she thought. She was the bad luck. Everyone she loved too much ended up dying to
protect her. She’d never even had the
chance to tell him how she felt. Looking
upward, she prayed, Please, let him live
and I’ll leave. I’ll leave them
all. I can handle being alone, if I know
they’re safe. They’re better off without
me. They’ll be happy together. They’ll all be happier without me here, she
thought, her eyes returning to the sight of Emily bending tenderly over Ike.

**********

The two women spent the next three days
hovering over Ike’s sick bed, spooning gruel down his throat, changing his
bandages, cleaning up the messes he made.
They didn’t speak much to each other, each too focused on her own guilt
and on keeping Ike alive. Others stopped
by occasionally to help or just provide a little company, but they never stayed
long.

On the morning of the fourth day, Lou
suddenly couldn’t take it anymore. She
needed to get out of the small confines of the cabin.

“I’m going out to check on the animals,”
was all she said as she slipped out the door.
Emily just kept wiping a cool wet cloth across Ike’s forehead.

In the dim interior of the barn, hidden
from the eyes of the world, Lou finally released all the fears and guilt and
sadness she’d been feeling. By the time
she was done, it felt like her entire body was sore from the strength of her
sobs. But, she felt better, like she
could handle whatever came next.

**********

“Don’t die, Ike,” Emily begged. “Please, don’t die. Don’t leave Lou and the kids because of
me. I could never live with myself if I
stole you away from them with my foolish flirting. I’m so sorry.
I should never have encouraged him.
But he made me feel wanted after everything with you and Lou.. and
me. Oh, Ike, I’m so, so sorry.”

Caught up in her own pleadings, she
didn’t notice Ike’s eyes had opened and were watching her blearily, until he
reached up a hand and caught hers in it, stopping its motion across his
forehead.

“Ike!” she exclaimed. “You’re awake! You’re going to be alright!”

*Where’s Lou?* he asked, signing slowly,
wincing at the pain the movement caused in his chest.

“Out in the barn,” Emily smiled down at
him happily, a great weight suddenly off her shoulders. “She’ll be back soon.”

Ike reached up to touch her cheek,
capturing a tear on his fingers.

*Why are you crying?* he asked.

Emily just laughed in relief and rested
her cheek in his cupped palm.

That’s how Lou found them when she
walked back into the cabin. She knew
then what she needed to do. But first,
she’d make sure Ike was really going to be alright.

Her footsteps as she moved toward the
bed caught Emily’s attention. The other
woman started, then stood up quickly, a broad smile lightening her
features. “He’s awake!”

“So I see,” Lou smiled softly. Kneeling down next to the bed, she added to
Ike, “You ever scare me like that again, Ike McSwain and I’ll shoot you dead
myself!”

Ike started to laugh at the comment, so
typical of Lou, but stopped, putting a hand to his aching chest.

A week later Ike was sitting up in bed,
propped against a pile made up of all the pillows in their house, waiting for
Lou to bring him his breakfast. He
watched her move through the door with an unconscious grace that always made
his heart beat faster. Even as sore as
he was, she could still make him want her.
It never failed to amaze him.

His eyes followed her movements hungrily
as she crossed the room toward him. So
desperate for her attentions was he, he didn’t protest when she tucked a napkin
under his chin and began to spoon feed him the oatmeal. He was perfectly capable of feeding himself
by now, but this seemed to be the only way he could get her to spend any time
with him.

He wondered what had changed. She’d become very quiet, almost distant. Doing her chores mechanically, staying as far
from him and the children as she could without neglecting anyone’s basic
needs. Almost like she’d been after Kid
and Jimmy’s deaths. The sudden thought
struck Ike to the bone, setting his heart to aching more than his chest ever
had. No!
He didn’t know if he could start all over again with her. He had to figure out what had happened.

Lou watched as Ike chewed and swallowed
the spoonful of oatmeal she’d just given him.
The sight of him, barechested except for the white bandages wrapped
around him, never failed to stir her.
She wanted nothing more than to lay her head on that chest, feel him
wrap his arms around her and accept all the love and comfort he had to offer. Except, he wasn’t really hers, was he? She had to accept it, stay strong. She gulped back a sob. She’d been putting things off, waiting until
he was healthy enough to take care of himself and the children before leaving. But it was obvious at this point he was just
humoring her, letting her coddle him. It
was time.

Setting the spoon down on the tray next
to the now empty bowl, she said, “I’ve got to go get more firewood. If you can watch the baby for a little while? Emily’ll be here soon.”

Ike nodded uncertainly. There was something about the way she was
acting that bothered him, he just couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

**********

Lou tightened the cinch on Lightning’s
saddle one last time. Tears were streaming
down her face. This was the hardest
thing she’d ever done in her life, but it had to be done. She had to keep those she loved safe. And obviously the one thing putting them all
in danger was her. So, she was the one
that had to go.

Reaching down to grab her carpetbag, she
started to tie it onto the saddle next to the saddle horn. Her bedroll was already firmly attached to
behind the mantle.

“What the hell do you think you’re
doing?”

Lou whirled around to see Emily standing
in the barn door, her mule’s reins held in one hand.

“Leavin’,” she finally said, the one
word all she could manage to force out.
Turning back to Lightning, she double checked the knots holding
everything to her saddle.

“Why?”

At that question, she turned toward
Emily with anger in her eyes this time.
“Why? Do you really have to ask
that? Why? How about because you love him and he loves
you! He only married me to rescue my
brother and sister. How about because
I’m a danger, to him, you and the kids!
How about… “ her voice broke now but she forced herself to continue,
“How about because he deserves better than a whore that didn’t even bother to
charge two bits?”

Emily gaped at her for a moment, then
started laughing for all she was worth.
“You have got to be kidding me!”

“You think this is funny? It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my
whole danged life. Harder than learning
to be a boy, harder than telling Kid I couldn’t marry him, harder even than
killin’ Wicks. But it’s gotta be done.”

“You are so full of yourself you can’t
see the forest for the trees, can you?” Emily spat out, her voice full of a
vitriolic anger that was the only thing that could pull Lou’s attention away
from her own misery. “Ike? In love with me? In my dreams.
Maybe. Maybe if I’d met him
before you. Maybe if you’d never said
yes or if your precious Kid had lived.
But, guess what? Ike can’t see I
even exist, he’s so starry eyed over you.
When we talk? All he can talk
about is, ‘Lou said this’, ‘Lou did that’, ‘Lou thinks’, ‘Lou wants’! Lou, Lou, Lou, Lou! I’m sick to death of your name!”

Emily slowly advanced on Lou, pushing
her backward toward the stall wall as she continued her diatribe. “Hell, I’d love to have met this Jimmy of
yours. I think we’d have had a lot in
common from what Ike’s told me! Both of
us in love with someone who can’t even see we exist. And you’re ready to walk away from all
that? Walk? More like run as fast as you can. You’re either the stupidest or most selfish
woman I’ve ever met in my life!”

Lou just stared at Emily, her mouth
agape, unable to comprehend what she was hearing.

“You know what? I’ve only been coming out to help you because
Ike’s a good friend and I felt guilty over him getting shot on account of
me. Well, guess what? I’m through.
You try riding out of here with a clear conscience, knowing you’re
leaving him to handle the farm and the children all on his lonesome, with no
one to help out!”

“But… but…”

A sharp rapping on the barn wall caught
both their attentions. The two women’s
heads swung around to see Ike leaning against the barn wall.

*Emily, that’s enough,* he angrily
signed.

“That’s just what I was telling your
precious Lou,” Emily spat, mounting up onto her mule and riding out of the
barn. Lou watched her gallop off with a
poleaxed expression. Once the other
woman was out of sight, she turned her gaze on Ike. Suddenly, she couldn’t stand there anymore,
not knowing what all he’d seen.

Turning, she fled out the other door,
into the corral with the other animals.
Tripping over her own feet, she practically fell near the donkey they’d
named Samson, in honor of Emma’s donkey they’d left behind in Rock Creek. Reaching out, she caught herself on the slats
of the corral fence, just as Ike caught up with her.

Grabbing her arm with one hand, he
signed, *Would you wait? I can’t keep up
with you right now!*

His look and his words froze her in
place. Unable to move her feet, she
wrapped her arms around herself protectively.

“What’s there to say? I’m leavin’, before I ‘cause more
trouble. You’ll be able to patch things
up with Emily and you can all live happily ever after without me. Live!”

*I’ll never live happily without you,
Lou,* he signed, a sad look pulling at his beautiful face. *I’ll survive, but I won’t really live and
most definitely not happily.*

She cocked her head, not really
understanding what he was saying.

“What… what do you mean, Ike?”

*Haven’t you figured it out yet?* he
signed, his motions jerky with anger. He
moved closer to her step by step, as if she were a skittish mustang. Stopping just a couple paces in front of her,
he sucked in a deep, fortifying breath and said, *I love you, Louise McCloud
McSwain. I. Love.
You.* He ended the last with a
sharp, emphatic poke of one finger into her chest, pushing her back toward the
fence again.

“No, you can’t. I’m not the kind of woman people love. I’m fer sleepin’ with, not makin’ a life
with. I’m fer leavin’, not keepin’. I learned that lesson the hard way,” she
said, starting to turn away from him.

*No,* Ike signed, taking the chance to
close the distance between them even more, reaching out to grab at her arm to
keep her from turning her back on him.
*No, you’re for loving. It would
take my entire life and then some to love you as much as you deserve. I’ve loved you since the day we really met
for the first time.* Taking one more
step, so he was standing directly in front of her, he reached down to put a
finger beneath her chin and tip her face up so she could see his eyes. *And I’ll love you until the day I die.*

Dropping to one knee, he asked, *Will
you marry me, Louise? For real this
time? Because I love you and… you love
me?*

“How…” she started to say, stopped, then
fell to her knees in front of him, shaping his face with her hands. “How’d you know I love you Ike? I never said anything.”

*Because you were about to leave me,*
Ike signed slowly. *And I’ve been
waiting a long time for you to realize how perfect we are for each other. I should’ve realized you’d think that meant
you had to leave to protect me. How
about we protect each other, instead?*

Lou laughed a bit as he bent forward to
press his lips to hers in a kiss that quickly went from tender to passionate to
out of control.

Finally pulling back from him, she
smiled a watery-eyed grin up at him. “If
I say yes, will you promise you boys will stop proposin’ to me in barnyards?”

The Author

Who am I? A Hispanic broadcast journalist, current host of Kansas Week on KPTS, and certified high school teacher, a writer and lifelong lover of all things historical, particularly the Old West. I'm married to a wonderful man from Germany and we have a 17 yr old son. We have two rescued cats and a rescued pooch, who thinks she's a 70 lb lapdog. I'm prone to talk about anything and everything that catches my interest.