Know what? Nobody can hear you scream under water, either. Not just in outer space, but right here on earth, too! Just off the coast of Mexico, for example. I know this because I stepped on a barracuda once while scuba-diving, and believe me, I screamed like a woman. And nobody could hear me …

Dear Yo-Yo, Happy 48th Birthday! Yo-Yo, if (hypothetically speaking) you fed trace amounts of silver nitrate to a werewolf every day, do you think over time he’d build up a tolerance and eventually you’d have a wolfman that couldn’t be…

Pierre Cavanaugh

Horse is a large, four-legged animal that, when sat upon and led by a Carnie with three teeth, will take you around a foul, dung-filled, rotting path for just 3 dollars. Hokey Pokey is a silly stupid game/dance/activity for retards…

Dear Seann, Happy 27th Birthday! Seann, I’ve recently undergone chin-implant plastic surgery as the first of many steps in a complex facial reconstruction process so that I may one day look exactly like you. (Do not think this means I…

Dear Ali-ci-a, Happy 27th Birthday! Man, I sure was head-over-heels for you sometime post-“Cryin’” and pre-“Amazin’.” That’s a pretty narrow window, sure, but my fancies are fickle. You like how I pronounced your name right, though? Happy Birthday! Best wishes,…