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Personal Journal of Christopher R. McCoyThursday 2260.298

Today is my 55th birthday. I’ll admit, typing that, acknowledging that is difficult. I woke up this morning to an inbox full of comms. After I read the one from the United Federation of Retired Persons offering me a honorary membership now that I was ‘of age,’ for all I’d done for the universe – Who the hell retires at 55 anymore? It’s not old or even middle aged. Okay, I guess I have to admit that since the current human life expectancy for a male is 102 that it’s middle aged, but I still can’t believe they’ve held on to that archaic tradition from hundreds of years ago.

Needless to say, the only comm I opened after that was the one from Len. Of course even that ended up being a bad idea since it was a vid of him jacking off in his office. I had to turn it off once he reached in his pants and brought that glorious cock of his out and started stroking it as he told me about his day. Fuck it was hot, but I only had five minutes to make it to my ready room for my morning briefing. Not exactly a great way to start my birthday.

He surprises me sometimes, Len. Thinking about how far he’s come since I not only met him, but got to know him. When I spent time on Enterprise he would never let anything ‘improper’ happen in Medical Bay. Hell, he was uncomfortable even giving me a simple kiss hello or goodbye, grousing that impropriety didn’t belong in his Medical Bay. So to see him in his office, sitting behind his desk with his legs spread, uniform open and cock out – Fuck, I’m hard thinking about it again.

I’ve been thinking a lot today – I guess birthdays are good day for introspection. On one hand I feel incredibly lucky that I have a husband – And typing that still – I don’t know, I still can’t explain it. But I have a husband, wonderful friends and family, and my own ship. Yet I know from experience how easily it could all slip away and that never used to scare me as much as it does now. Maybe it’s from my own brush with death, maybe it’s because I’ve never had anyone that – Well, if I lost him, I’m really not sure if I’d survive that. And for me to readily admit that – It scares me half to death.

Not that I doubt Len’s love for me. God, I see it every time I look at him. I hear it in his voice. But Len is only 33 years old – Fuck. Typing that – He’s so young. I guess I’ll always worry that he’ll get tired of me – That being so much older than him – Well, that I won’t be able to keep up with him, make him happy. And I know it’s ridiculous for me to worry about that so much considering he’d told me - and I believed him - that even if my injuries had prevented us from never having sex again he didn’t care – Well, as much as we have sex, part of me doesn’t believe that’s true.

Factor in that on the shuttle home, Philip told me that he and Allen had split. They talked after my engagement party and they both simply want different things right now and neither of them seems to be willing to compromise. That problem has always been there with them, but now that the kids are all grown and gone – I guess that was the glue that was holding them together. Philip doesn’t seem too broken up about it. He’s more worried about the kids, but he and Allen are on good terms at least and they are good parents. Their split scares me because they’ve been together over thirty years and if they couldn’t work out the differences they had – Well, Len and I have a lot of issues too and what does that mean for us down the road? Especially since we won’t have any kids anytime soon.

Fuck, now I’m just depressing myself. Seeing Philip without his wedding ring. Hearing him talk about shore leave on Risa and boy the fun he’s going to have there. Apparently Allen is already seeing someone. Another doctor who is ten years older. Philip says it’s not what caused the split, but I can see the hurt in Philip’s eyes when he mentioned it. It’s not all Allen’s fault either. Philip is the first to point out he’s probably responsible for the split, but he just wasn’t ready to retire and stay on Earth.

The day wasn’t all bad. I walked on the bridge to a rendition of Happy Birthday from the crew. I watched vids from around the ship, different departments had sent greetings. My students decorated my ready room. We had birthday cake throughout the ship. I well could have done without all of it but it made the crew happy, and that’s what matters right now. Considering how strict I’ve been since I came back, I’m surprised they went to the trouble.

Well, I guess I better go through the rest of my comms. If I don’t answer the ones from my family today, I’ll get the third degree I’m sure. Then I’ll reward myself with a glass of wine from the bottle Jim sent and the peach cobbler that he and Len gave Philip to bring for me. Sneaky bastards. Apparently this peach cobbler and the birthday cake today will be my last indulgences. First think tomorrow Philip is implementing my new torture. God help us all.

I may save the vid from Len until tomorrow morning. I might need it to face the day.

First of all, thank you for the bottle of wine you sent for my birthday. I enjoyed a glass of it last night while I ate the peach cobbler Len sent. Also, the vid of the Enterprise bridge crew singing happy birthday was – Well, just thank you, Jim. It means a lot.

I don’t have a lot of time this morning, my new ‘Lifestyle Plan’ starts today and I have to be in medical soon for a physical and tests. I want you to know, though, how much you writing me – trusting me with things on your mind – Well, it means a lot, son.

I wish I had easy answers for you and I know you are frustrated with your hands tied by the orders you’ve been given. I will say this, though, you have some of the best instincts – No, you HAVE the best instincts I’ve ever seen in all my years in Starfleet. Trust them, but I know I don’t have to point out that half the Admiralty has it in for you and are just waiting for you to make a mistake. I don’t think it would go as far as stripping your command, but just --- Just be careful, Jim. You can’t do anything as daring as what you and Len did before. Plus, you know the Romulans have set their sights on the Enterprise – I’m not saying this simply because Len is aboard. I know he’s safer with you than he is with me, as hard as that is to admit.

You can’t always do the right thing, Jim. You can’t always save everyone. That’s the hardest thing to learn as a Starfleet Captain. The best advice I can give you is to get as much counsel from your command crew as you can and weigh it all carefully. I know you know this and it almost seems redundant for me to even type it out here, but I know the first couple of years I was Captain, I wish I’d had someone to remind me of that.

Trust your instincts, son. Just don’t let them hang you out to dry.

Love,

Chris

Personal Journal of Leonard H. McCoyWednesday 2260.304

God damn, I'm black and blue all over, not to mention every muscle I've got is aching. Nyota really did a number on me yesterday. She said she's been pulling her punches, taking it easy on me, but she's not going to "coddle me" anymore, for my own good. I'm not buying it, though - she's tense and needed someone to take it out on, which is why I now feel like I've gone ten rounds with an enraged Ursinoid. I don't really blame her - the silence from the Klingons and the Romulans is setting everyone's teeth on edge. Plus she's trying to get pregnant and so her hormones are going crazy - I should know, I'm the one who used to prescribe her birth control hypos, and now that she's off them - whoa, Nelly. Not that I'd ever say anything about her mood where she might hear me. Woman's got ears like a bat.

Anyway, I am getting better at self-defense, so I guess that's something. Even better than that, spending so much time with Nyota, especially since we spend a fair portion of it wrestling around on the mats, makes Spock seriously cheesed off. Ha. Not that he'd ever admit it, repressed bastard that he is. He's got no cause for concern, anyway - Nyota's an incredible woman, but my affections are spoken for. 'Course Spock retaliates by getting all buddy-buddy with Jim, monopolizing his time during off-hours with games of chess or whatnot, shooting me that smug smirk when he "confirms" his meetings with Jim while I'm around. I don't know what Jim sees in him, but he seems to genuinely like the cold-blooded hobgoblin. Come to think of it, don't really know what Nyota sees in him either. Who'd want to spend their life with a walking computer?

Then again, I suppose there's a fair few of Chris's senior officers who wonder why I'm with him, given his hard-ass demeanor as Captain. Or vice versa, I suppose, some of the Enterprise crew might wonder why anyone would want to spend their life with a cantankerous asshole like me. Guess there's more to most people than meets the eye. Doesn't mean I'm interested in finding out what Spock's like in private. Perish the thought.

I hope Chris is calming down about the marriage. Good god, it feels strange to write that. We're married. We're actually married. I get a goofy grin on my face whenever I think about it, which has led to quite a few strange looks from patients and my staff in sickbay. Think Christine might've guessed - she's got that knowing gleam in her eye whenever she looks at me. But she's discreet enough not to say anything, so I'm not too worried.

Well, speaking of Christine, she'll be none too pleased if I'm late for my shift so I better go. Huh. Just occurred to me that between Nyota and Christine, I'm pretty much completely whipped. It would take a stronger man than I to argue with those two. Wonder who'd win a battle of wills with Christine and Nyota on one side, and Chris on the other? All I can say is I hope I never have to find out. Not sure the universe would survive.

Thought I’d let you know how the first week of Operation Obstinate Pike went, or as I’ll refer to it, OOP, in our weekly updates. There have been times this week where I’ve added a few colorful expletives to that description, but I don’t want to make it any longer than necessary. Just know that half the time I would probably say ‘Operation Obstinate God damn fucking recalcitrant asshole who doesn’t know what’s good for him Pike’ is a more apt description. He’s really turned into a five-year-old this week. He is questioning anything and everything and if I didn’t love the man so much, I’d strangle him.

I know it’s his way of dealing with the restrictions, but every meal I’ve gotten a comm that reads something like ‘Why must I have asparagus instead of artichokes?’ and if I substitute the artichokes the next time, I get a comm asking why he can’t have asparagus. If I give him a choice between three vegetables, he of course wants a fourth that isn’t listed. If this is only the first week, it is going to be a LONG six months. If this is his way of getting me to retire to ‘save’ my marriage, he may be onto something.

Speaking of my marriage, I’m not sure if Chris told you or not, I’m guessing not, but Allen and I have split. It’s been a long time coming and the last five years or so the only thing holding us together was the kids. I’m not going to expound on it further, but I thought you should know because I know it’s bothering Chris a lot. With your upcoming nuptials, I’m sure it’s sent him into a tailspin about getting married again and I want to apologize for that. So if he is more evasive about the ‘m subject’ as he refers to it, that’s why.

Otherwise, as you can see from the current test results, his WBC is unchanged after the first week, his blood pressure is up, and he is cranky as hell. Of course this was to be expected. He hasn’t let me sedate him either and I know he’s not getting as much sleep as he should. With the removal of caffeine, I’m hoping the sleep issue will remedy itself. Whether we will survive it, that’s another story. The Senior Bridge Crew have been supportive and understanding, but if he’s going to be like this the entire six months, there may be a mutiny.

I’m sorry I don’t have better news to report. I know you must be frustrated, but I think once he turns a corner and is feeling better, I’ll get more cooperation. I’m giving him another week before I comm Willa. I’ll save Kathleen for when I’m desperate.

Hope you are well. I know tensions are high right now, and that certainly isn’t helping Chris’s mood either. He pores over the reports from the Neutral Zone several times a day, but since the intel is usually days behind, it frustrates him as you can imagine. He never was good at staying out of the thick of things. I know they sent us out here to give Chris a chance to recover and in some ways I agree with that. In other ways, I think he’d do better being in his element and not mapping a bunch of dead space.

I'm writing to you because that son of mine has been neatly avoiding answering any of my questions about wedding plans, when he responds to my comms at all. I figure that by writing to you, either a) you and I can just plan the wedding without his input, or b) he'll be so irritated that I'm bothering you that he'll respond to me in order to protect you. I like to think that some of Chris's strategic genius comes from my side of the family.

Speaking of family, I hope you know that you are now one of the family. I hope someday you'll feel comfortable enough to call me "mom," since I definitely count you as a son. But if not, that's fine - Willa will do. I'm making it my mission to get you to stop with the "ma'am," though - it makes me feel about a thousand years old!

I assume that you've heard by now that Allen and Philip have separated. I'm very sorry to hear it, both because they are good men and good friends to Chris and I want them to be happy, but also because along with my marriage to his father, I know that Chris has held up Philip and Allen's marriage as an example, a model, and, to some extent, "proof" that relationships can last. He's going to take it very hard that that his ideal of a marriage has failed. He may even try to push you away. I hope he doesn't, but I know my son, and it wouldn't surprise me a bit if he starts having doubts about the entire institution of marriage, and naturally he wouldn't actually talk to the person most affected by his feelings. That boy of mine is stubborn. Good thing you are too.

On to more pleasant subjects. Kathleen and I wanted to get your input on the wedding colors. It will be an autumn wedding, so perhaps some autumnal colors would be appropriate - rust red, deep yellow, muted orange. Of course, those are colors that maybe only mother nature could get away with mixing. So perhaps we should stick with something more neutral. What do you think of cream and steel gray? It would be simple, elegant, and masculine. Of course, if you have any other ideas, let me know. This is your wedding too and I want you to be happy with it. Well, to a point. They do say a wedding is really for the parents, after all.

Please feel free to solicit Chris's input - in fact, I'm counting on it, since my strategy of flushing him out won't work unless he knows I'm comming you.

Take care of yourself, dear. I worry about both of my boys out there in the black.

On 2260.310 Starfleet Command lost communication with the USS Enterprise. She had not transmitted her automatic check in signal for twelve hours and all efforts to hail her over the last twenty-four hours have failed. The Reliant is currently en route to her last known location, and I will update you as soon as I receive any intel.

I’m sure they are fine, Chris. Communication has been sketchy at best recently at their last reported location. I don’t have to tell you these things, you know them, and the reasons they happen. But I also know that knowing these things as a Captain, and knowing them as man with someone he loves out there - Just don’t do anything rash, Chris. I hesitated even telling you, but I know that the intel will make it to you in the next day or two and I didn’t want you to find out like that.

LMAO. Google docs did it! I went and looked on my Word file that I wrote it all on offline and it's got PIKE on it. The fic now has a mind of it's own. And I think if we change it now, they will really lynch us. LOL