Kentucky Man Slays Mysterious Chupacabra?

The Summary: Someone from some news station (thanks to YouTube, who needs facts?) reports that a firearm-wielding Kentucky man might have harvested a legendary chupacabra in his front yard. It is unconfirmed whether this is the last chupacabra, one of many, or if the hairless mystery creature is even a chupacabra at all. And if chupacabras indeed exist, experts are baffled as to what they are. They might actually be disease-ridden raccoons, or they could be magical animals sent by the devil to scare city folks via the internet. What we know for sure is this: Whatever kind of critter—rubber, or real—is on this YouTube video, it’s really scary looking, and it is really, really dead.

Jeff’s Take: No doubt about it, what we’ve got here is a bona fide Chupacabra. I feel sure of this because it makes a better story. There might even be a whole gaggle, or herd, or pack, of them living somewhere around the vicinity of Kentucky. So away I go, scattergun and a fistful of No. 4 buck in hand, because I don’t believe I have one of these critters on my wall yet, and I’d hate to be undergunned if the “goat-blood sucking monster” decides it’s got a taste for Jeff flesh. Once, back in '04, I thought I was close to a real-life chupacabra, but it turned out that it was just my ex-girlfriend’s Siamese cat that either had the mange or an overzealous hairdresser. So I held my fire, and the hunt to solve this mystery continues. Rest assured, if I do catch a chupacabra or die trying, you—not YouTube—will be the first to know.

The Species ID: Save the Google search for another caper; there is no authoritative book on the topic. And you’d be wrong if you think you can just “ground-check” one of these things. I know Kyle Wintersteen likes to whack “a duck” out of the air and identify it later, but these darn chupacabras can be downright tricky to judge, even when bloating in the bag. But, hey, at least there’s no bag limit on ‘em.

Recommended Gear and Why: Ithaca Mag 10, 10 Gauge, because we don’t know exactly what we’re dealing with here; Johnny Stewart Prey Master digital predator call, because if it can hear, ole’ J-Stew can call it up and kill it; Latex gloves, because maybe you can trick the Smithsonian into paying top-dollar for the rare hide, but there’s a good chance the old coyote has a disease, and you always want to practice safe skinning.