Fly On The Wall Blog

Zoo President Shot After Falling Into Gorilla Enclosure

Gorilla keeper Inna Myst says her team of large primate experts responded appropriately after Memphis Zoo President Chuck Brady fell into Primate Canyon's gorilla exhibit. "We understand the public's concern," Myst says. "We shot the chief executive of a major zoological attraction and Memphis deserves an explanation. I just want everybody to understand that a lot of thought goes into our contingency plans and once Brady fell into the gorilla exhibit, taking him out was the only option that made sense."

According to Myst, Brady is "genetically hardwired" to be a dick. "This isn't really about the gorillas," she says. "If he hadn't been taken out of the picture quickly and efficiently, there's no doubt in my mind he'd have done tremendous self-inflicted damage to himself and to the zoo."

Eyewitness and longtime Memphis Zoo member Clondyke Barr confirms Myst's assessment. "Brady spoke some really mean and, to my mind, completely unnecessary words to those gorillas. But he didn't seem dangerous," he says. "But then it was like he just couldn't help himself. Outta nowhere he chest bumps the hell outta this big monkey. Starts yelling about the status quo, and how little obese and crippled children shouldn't have to walk. Stuff like that. It was embarrassing as hell."

"He may have seemed reasonable to people who can't read CEO body language," Myst elaborates. "But we've spent years studying these creatures. They expect to be rewarded whether they make good decisions or bad decisions, and given a choice between any conciliatory action or pure assfaced dickery, we have strong reasons to believe that Brady will always choose the later. He'll tear the whole place apart — gorillas and all — and then expect someone to throw him some Monterey Jack cheese cubes."

Reports from the Zoo infirmary suggests that Brady, having no heart to stop, will make a full recovery and go on to bigger and better things in the future. "That's a completely natural outcome," Myst says.