Penn Satire, Since 1899

Ever since Engineering sophomore Joe Kronecker spent a night with his friends at “Escape the Room” in Center City, he’s been searching for a way to recreate the experience.

Luckily for Joe, the Fresh Grocer was able to provide just that. “I was bored one night, and I was out of eggs, so I decided to wander around Fro-Gro for a while,” he said, referring to the Fresh Grocer’s 40th and Walnut location. “I got lost pretty quickly.”

Sources say Kronecker’s search for clues turned up few leads. “Unlike actual ‘Escape the Room,’ Fro-Gro doesn’t have clues for how to get out,” reported the sophomore as he squeezed against the side of an aisle to let by a woman with a stroller. “In fact, the signs make it more difficult. Like why are the vegetables next to the ice cream?”

Though the sophomore did not enjoy the experience, he plans to repeat it about once per week for the rest of his Penn experience.