Mean Girls: The Ultimate Oscar Winner

So there’s a little awards show happening this weekend, and it honors the best movies made in the previous year. It’s called the Oscars, and it’s basically the only awards show people who spend their year living under a rock/studying/not watching E! could watch without being super annoying and terrorizing everyone else with questions about the subject matter. Oscars are, of course, awarded to the best actors, actresses, directors, and the best movie of the year. Nine years of awards shows have come and gone, and somehow the most epic movie of all time still remains overlooked: Mean Girls. I know it might be a little too late, but in retrospect, I truly do believe Mean Girls is deserving of every Oscar, ever. Disagree?

You’re wrong. Mean Girls is the absolute best movie ever, and here is why, should it ever be nominated, it could sweep every category at the Academy Awards.

Best Actor in a Leading Role: Daniel Franzese “Damien”

I don’t think anyone recognizes how important of a role Daniel Franzese played as the catty best friend who was deemed “too gay to function.” First of all, this was 2004, which was pre-Glee, and it was pretty fucking edgy to feature a gay male in a leading role, especially in a high school setting. This role was epic because it didn’t focus on Damien’s struggles as a gay youth. Instead, it provided a positive, uplifting message to all that “it’s okay to be gay,” and it encouraged every high school female to find herself a gay bestie after watching the movie. Hi, nothing was more chic than having a gay friend to re-enforce your self-esteem by referring to you as “a little slice” in the best way possible. He was funny, he was dramatic, and he was heartfelt. He delivered the performance of a lifetime, and it has gone unnoticed by those jerks over at the Academy.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Tim Meadows “Principal Duvall”

As someone who considers herself an absolute authority on the movie, having seen it approximately 35,000,000 times, being able to quote it verbatim, and having watched it in every state of mind imaginable, I can confidently say Principal Duvall is the most underrated character in the entire cast. He had some of the best one-liners in the movie, and his delivery was so perfect that he made announcing “my carpal tunnel came back,” while staring at someone’s wet tank top seem like an everyday occurrence. How this went unawarded is beyond me.

Best Animated Feature Film

I know Mean Girls wasn’t necessarily “animated,” but there was that one part where Janis Ian drew Cady the diagram of the cafeteria and the camera panned over it, so I’m counting it as an animated film and asserting it should win that Oscar also.

Best Cinematography:

The art or science of motion picture photography is basically defined by Mean Girls. First of all, the way the film shoots all of the Plastics at various angles, capturing both the gorgeous and unflattering sides of each character, is incredible. Also, the fake watering hole scene at the mall? Genius. Pure genius.

Best Costume Design

From Regina’s “A Little Bit Dramatic” tank top, to Cady’s scary “ex-wife” costume, to the “Jingle Bell Rock” getup, there is no way this movie should NOT have won for costume design. I’m a big clothes person, and the wardrobe of each character spoke to me so much that I truly believed I knew these people. Their clothes told a story, and it was an Oscar worthy one.

Best Director: Mark Waters

Mark Waters received virtually no recognition for the masterpiece he directed. Not only was he able to direct scenes with the perfect amount of tension, bitchiness, and drama, but he was able to create a well rounded film that told a story, taught a lesson, and touched the hearts of millions.

Best Writing: Adapted Screenplay

In case you didn’t know, Tina Fey developed the script from the book, “Queen Bees and Wannabes” by Rosalind Wisemen. Tina Fey took a book that navigated the social hierarchy and the hardships of catty high school bitches and turned it into the greatest cinematic masterpiece our generation will ever know. I think she deserves the Nobel Prize, but I’d settle for an Oscar.

All three of these actresses were absolutely brilliant in this movie. Not only was Rachel the perfect plastic villain, but she TOTALLY pulled off the platinum blonde look, which deserves an award in its own. Lacey Chabert proved to audiences she could be both conniving and adorably clueless at once, and I think it goes without saying Fey’s contributions as the bitter divorcee only enhanced the brilliance of the masterpiece that is Mean Girls.

Best Actress in a Leading Role: Lindsay Lohan “Cady Herron”

This was the role Lohan was born to play, which is evident by the fact her career ultimately died after Mean Girls happened. She was absolutely flawless as Cady Herron, the films protagonist who ultimately faces the internal struggle of a lifetime, and transforms into an antagonist. A dynamic lead if there ever was one, Lohan gave a compelling performance as the ginger haired high school junior. We laughed at her, we laughed with her, and I’m glad she made the movie so that at her funeral approximately four months from now, fans and family will be able to look back at the time when she was hot for like, 8 months.

Best Picture: Mean Girls

Um, effing duh. This movie had it all: humor, romance, suspense (did Cady push Regina in front of the bus?), deception, loveable characters, and, without a doubt, the most quoted script of all time. The fact that it still hasn’t been awarded with any Oscars is absolutely mind blowing, but I think it’s safe to say if the entire sorority population were the Academy, Mean Girls would, without a doubt, be taking these awards home, and deservedly so.