The Ronnie & Ronald Project, Day 27

You may recall I launched the Ronnie & Ronald Project on Sept. 8 with the stated goal to eat everything on the McDonald’s menu over the course of a year, thus earning the admiration and adoration of people worldwide.

It’s taken me a while to get started on it because I don’t really eat at McDonald’s all that often. But that all changed on Sunday.

Now, you may be asking, “I thought you were going to the Corner Pub and Grill on Sunday for some benefit. What happened?

Glad you asked.

Sunday morning I logged onto the CPG’s website and followed the link to the directions. It looked simple enough: 40West to Clarkson Road, turn left, then another left on Fountain Plaza Drive and there you are. So simple even I could drive it.

The Son and I hopped in the RRoymobile around 11:30 a.m. figuring we’d get there a little before noon. We headed west on 40, took the Clarkson Road exit, turned left and searched for Fountain Plaza Drive. And searched. And searched. When we reached Ellisville I decided we must have passed it. We turned around and headed back to Chesterfield. We searched for Fountain Plaza Drive. And searched. And then we were back at 40.

I figured maybe we were supposed to turn right instead of left onto Clarkson, so I went a ways in the other direction. Still no Fountain Plaza Drive. We headed back toward Chesterfield Mall. Decided maybe it was off Chesterfield Parkway. It wasn’t, but Strassenfest was. I navigated the detours and crowds and made my way back to Clarkson.

By now it was 1 p.m. and did I ever mention how angry and flustered and unfit to be around I get when I’m lost? And I’m not even lost — I know where I am. I just don’t know where the damn Fountain Plaza Drive is. Now I’m too angry to eat and The Son has to be tired of driving around in circles, so we get out at the mall and do a lap around it. There are a pile of phone books inside (but strangely no phone) so I look inside to see if I can get an address for CPG. The only one listed is the Big Bend location — where I’m not going.

After walking for a bit we get back in the car and I make one more stab at locating FPD. I don’t, say “screw it” and get back on 40 heading East. We end up at the Harvest Carnival that Rachie and Jeff invited us to. I had no problem finding the church, so it’s not me.

We walked around the inflatables and saw the petting zoo and the pony rides and one of those trampoline things that are all the rage at malls these days. I was hoping there would be food, but I didn’t see any. I also didn’t see Rachie and Jeff, so we didn’t stick around. By now it’s 2:30 and my frustration has given way to hunger. I figure The Son is hungry too but that’s the nice thing about having a non-verbal child — he doesn’t complain.

And that brings us to our first installment of the Ronnie & Ronald Project.

I pull up to the drive-through and holy crap: there’s a lot of stuff on the McDonald’s menu. Salads? Mocha Frappes? McFlurries? What happened to “Shake, fries, patty, you’re gone?”

I don’t know if I can eat all this. I guess I should have started earlier. I’ve wasted 26 days. But then it occurs to me — this is the internet. I can lie and no one will know. Does anyone really believe Julie made everything in Julia Child’s cookbook?