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Family Guy Quotes: "Brian's Got a Brand New Bag"

During the first of two new episodes during Family Guy's live action special last night, Brian was dating an older woman, Rita.

The episode, "Brian's Got a Brand New Bag," began with Peter's obsession with the movie Round House (the episode was also dedicated to Patrick Swayze) and somehow led to Brian dating a fifty year old woman.

Along the way Brian proposed, cheated, and got dumped all within one hilarious half hour. Relive some of the better moments with our Family Guy quotes from the episode:

Peter: Oh my god, Road House. I want to buy this Clerk: Great and as a bonus I'll throw in What Dreams May Come with Robin Williams Peter: No thank you Clerk: No charge Peter: I do not want it Clerk: But it's free, sir Peter: If that DVD even touches Road House, I will kill you | permalink

Rita: Is that your condom? Brian: No, I mean I wasn't gonna use that on your daughter. I would not use a condom on your daughter. I mean I would if i was having sex with her, which I obviously would not do. I'm safe and all. I get AIDS test every three months. It's not because I have a lot of sex. I eat a lot of poo off the streets | permalink

Brian: You are really pretty Girl at Bar: Thanks Brian: You know, uh, I wrote a book Girl at Bar: What's that? Brian: It's like a long magazine Girl at Bar: Huh? Brian: It's like the Internet made out of a tree Girl at Bar: Oh, weird. You want to have sex in the bathroom? Brian: Oh gosh, what a treat, yes I would like that | permalink

Brian [about Rita]: Well you met her, what did you think? Lois: What do I think? She's a 100! Peter, did you see her? Peter: I'm looking at her now. I can see her from the window up here. Did anyone make a Jessica Tandy joke yet? Lois: No! Peter: Awesome! I'll be right down Chris [to Brian]: Who are you dating, Jessica Tandy? Peter: Sonuvabitch! Damnit Chris, I called that from upstairs | permalink

Lois: My God I can't even react big enough. Here's Mrs. Garret Mrs. Garret: Whaaat!? Brian: If my happiness means so little to you that you have Charlotte Rae just standing by to crack a joke then you disappoint me | permalink

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Death Star Officer 1: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.Stewie (Darth Vader): That is fantastic! Terrific work! So no weaknesses at all, huh?Death Star Officer 1: N- (considers) no.Stewie (Darth Vader): You, uh, you hesitated there. Is there something I should know?Death Star Officer 1: No, it's virtually indestructable, like 99.99 percent.Stewie (Darth Vader): Uh...OK, wouldn't be doin' my job if I didn't ask what's the .01?Death Star Officer 1: Well, I- I mean, there's this little hole, it was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect, and if you shoot a laser into this hole, uh, the station blows up.Stewie (Darth Vader): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that sounds like a pretty big design flaw there.Death Star Officer 1: No, no, no the hole's only two meters across.Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Well, that's no bigger than a womp rat.Death Star Officer 1: Exactly. And even to get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench, it's not a big deal.Stewie (Darth Vader): Well, I mean, I mean, can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something?Death Star Officer 1: Well, that would look terrible! I mean, we got to think about re-sale.Stewie (Darth Vader): Re-sale? Wh-what are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset, the value's only gonna go up.Death Star Officer 1: Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale, nor has it- (Vader begins choking him with the Force)Stewie (Darth Vader): I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location, twenty minutes to the beach, twenty minutes to downtown!Death Star Officer 1: (choking) There's nothing to do downtown!Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Enough of this! Vader, release him.Stewie (Darth Vader): As you wish. (releases the officer, who collapses on the table, gasping for air) All right, so we gonna plug up that hole?Death Star Officer 2: Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow if price is no object.Stewie (Darth Vader): Eyuuuuh...Death Star Officer 2: We'll get estimates.Stewie (Darth Vader): Yeah, get estimates, yeah ha, yeah, yeah ha ha, yeah.