The Mom Stop: Keeping peace with family rivals

Tuesday

Sep 11, 2018 at 9:05 AM

I was walking on the beach in Florida one evening last week, watching my 9-year-old daughter and my 6-year-old niece do cartwheels in the sand.

My daughter started out in a jog, threw her arms up in the air and prepped for a round-off — something she’s been working on a lot lately. Only, my niece stuck her arm out and grabbed my daughter by the ankle when her legs were in the air, tripping up her motion and making my daughter collapse head first into the wet sand.

My kid was OK. She was upset, but that quickly turned to rage as she scrambled to her feet to chase her cousin, who is the same size as her, down the beach.

While the girls are cousins, they act more like sisters. I’m pretty sure I’m being paid back for my childhood.

While watching my daughter and niece play, I’m easily brought back to a time when my sister and I were growing up. We fought, a lot. Admittedly, I was probably the instigator. As the oldest child, I’ve always been a bit bossy. My sister, who is four years younger, always wanted to follow me around, copy what I was doing or what I was saying. By the time she grew out of that and into her own interests, there was a fierce competition between us that only boiled into petty arguments. It was only when my sister graduated from high school and moved to Tuscaloosa for college that those emotions melted away and we finally became friends.

And now, I worry that our daughters are following the same path. Sibling rivalry can be fierce. Cousin competition can be just as bad.

When it comes to my oldest daughter and my niece, there’s extreme rivalry, petty fighting for whoever can be perceived as the “best” in whatever it is that they are doing, whether it’s drawing or swimming or singing. There are also mind games, as my first-grade niece wants to follow around my fourth-grader and do whatever it is that she is doing, much to her annoyance. And there’s always perceived injustice, with one cousin always tattle-telling on the other.

I’m not sure when things will get better, but can only hope that they will, with age. For as much as they fight with each other, they love each other, too. Sometimes we just have to remind them of that fact.

Here are some tips to reduce cousin rivalry, from verywellfamily.com.

— Equalize competition whenever possible. Emphasize the fun of the activity more than who wins. This is a great idea that usually works with younger kids.— Avoid activities where one child has a huge advantage.— Introduce elements of luck whenever feasible, even into sports.— Avoid praising the winner and razzing the loser.— Let the children know which behaviors are not tolerated, including name-calling and hitting.— If a conflict between cousins is escalating, it may be time to step in.— Listen to both sides, but don’t try to decide who started it and don’t assign blame. Just try to get them past their disagreement.— Lydia Seabol Avant writes The Mom Stop for The Tuscaloosa News in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Reach her at lydia.seabolavant@tuscaloosanews.com.