Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Open up your mouth
And speak the truth of your heart.
Easy on the tongue.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Move over, kick back,
Just go along for the ride.
Do not backseat drive.