Let Me Hold Your hand Through Life My Son (Autism and other things too) by Zanele Dlamini

If I could turn back time, my baby boy, I would rub out Autism from your life.I would be flying around doing superhero things that would give you a better start in life. Give you all the tools to survive this world on your own.Now that you are an adult. There is so much that I wish you knew. So much I wish I could tell you about people and relationships. There is so much you need to know about love (girls too), pain, abandonment and loneliness. If only you could understand.

My son, I want you know that I cried today when you were diagnosed with yet another mental health problem. It is like you are in a fighting ring and the punches keep coming from all sides. I had to allow doctors to inject you for the first time. You see son, this was the only way for us to go back home together.

Your doctor said you were now old enough to be admitted for treatment because you cannot be held liable for your actions. You were getting so angry all the time. I chose to bring you home. I’m so fiercely protective and yet so afraid for you.

Tears blinded me as we drove home because you didn’t understand why our nice nurse had to inflict some pain on you. I could feel that you blamed me for letting it happen. I did not want to leave you.

Communication is so hard at times.

My son, at times I get so paralyzed with fear! I have watched you struggle all your life to cope and fit in . I may not know what our future holds but I will always be there for you.

The sad part is that you will never be able to read this. Not because I wrote it through my tears but because of the intellectual disability. The only reason I cry so much at night, is to make sure I wake up with a smile for you each day.

I am constantly watching the side effects of your medicines and vow to keep fighting with you. Those precious hours in the day when your mind is clear and I can see you enjoying music, cartoons or a walk outside are a blessing to my heart.

I do thank God, for making you with some extra sweetness. God looked out for you- made sure you would always be in blissful ignorance of the conditions that plague your mind. Your body maybe be growing older but you remain young in spirit.

The days when you seem uncertain and confused, a shadow is cast around my heart. I start searching for ways to bring back your sweet smile. My baby, I am walking with you -one step behind, two steps in front of danger and adding more prayers in your name.

In life, you are my special person. My reason to keep trying to build a better life for you and your sisters. At first it was a hard concept to grasp that you will never be independent like other men. Then boom! -it came to me that this is our version of normal. Let’s take it one day at a time.