TMNT: Out of the Shadows – Why It Sucked.

Some of these thoughts also apply to the 2014 TMNT. Also, spoilers ahead.

I didn’t have high hopes for the 2014 TMNT, yet was still disgusted by it once I saw it.

I had higher hopes for Out of the Shadows (OOTS) because it had Krang, Bebop and Rocksteady, and the Tartaruga Brothers truck. I knew I shouldn’t have had high hopes, but my desire to be contrarian made me want to love it before I even saw it.

I was wrong.

Twenty minutes into the movie I had a rash from all the face palms.

The Bad

The turtles personalities

The charm of the 1990s turtles was that they were caricatures of teenagers. They were silly and made jokes as if they had frontal lobe damage, and were teenagers in the most cartoonish way. These new turtles act more like real teenagers, which is absolutely awful to watch. No one likes teenagers. They’re moody, horny, and mean. This is exactly how the new turtles are.

I can’t understand why anyone would want to hang out with these turltes, other than the fact that there are considerable cool points if your friends are ninja turtles. I find nothing redeemable about them.

They are also horrifically ugly.

The CGI paradox

The CGI doesn’t look bad. It’s actually really good. The problem is that the CGI makes it easier to incorporate gadgets and give no weight to the turtles’ actions.

Rocket-powered skateboard. Holographic touchscreen computers. Electric boe staff. All of these gadgets ruin the charm of the turtles.

What’s so charming about the turtles is that all they have is their skill. They’ve practiced ninjitsu so long and with such discipline, that they actually stand a chance against gangs of men with guns and swords. Once you give them rocket-powered skateboards, high-tech weaponry, and abundant resources, it takes away from their real skill – ninjitsu.

It also wrecks the suspension of disbelief.
1990:Friend: Wait, so they live under the sewer system and no one has ever found them. Seems ridiculous.Me: Shut the fuck up. It’s a movie.

2014:Friend: Wait, so they live under the swer system, have a dozen computer monitors, high tech computer systems, and rocket-powered skateboards and no one has ever found them. Seems ridiculous.Me: You’re… right…. 😦

There is something profoundly awe-inspiring about seeing someone actually pull off a high kick, or take a blow. The CGI can’t effectively evoke the same level of mastery or peril. Although the CGI looked good, bring back the suits. Get Donnie Yen amd three of his friends and get it done.

Splinter

Splinter sucks.

One way to make a character instantly unlikable is to give him pure black eyes. He’s just a smug, almost-evil twat in this series.

The Shredder

He didn’t have his mask or armor at the beginning of the movie because he was incarcerated. I get that (though it would be absolutely bad ass if he was being transported while wearing his armor, even if it didn’t make any sense. If it’s bad ass enough, it doesn’t need to make sense.)

BUT for him not to have his armor on for the rest of the movie until the VERY END? Unacceptable. That’s. Not. Shredder.

Also, this is his armor. It sucks.

He’s so weak in this movie that there’s no resonance at all when he gets betrayed by Krang. We should be saying “The mighty Shredder was betrayed? But he’s the mighty shredder!” Instead it just happens and it’s like “of course. Look at his shitty armor. Why wouldn’t you betray him?”

Casey Jones

What happened here? His mask sucks. He’s not bad ass at all. He’s just a baffoon.

They made him a cop, which I hated at first then thought, “Oh maybe they’ll have a cool vigilante dichotomy about him. He’s a cop, but he’s also the crime fighter Casey Jones. That could be cool.” That’s not the case at all. He’s just a bumbling cop. He might as well have not been Casey Jones.

He also tapes rollerblade wheels to his shoes.

The Good

Tartaruga Brothers Truck

I know I complained about gadgets, but this one actually works.

Its canon.

It’s more analog than high-tech. Mikey has nun-chuk arms and it shoots sewer lids.

April O’neil

So there’s a lot of issues with Megan Fox’s April O’neil that I don’t care to get into, but her cartoonish acting was a breath of fresh air compared to the shitty turtles, Splinter, and Casey Jones.

Actaully a lot of the reason I liked her in it are sexist reasons, so I’m sorry.

Bebop and Rocksteady

They were funny, bad ass, and they felt canon. If anything I needed more of a brawl between them and the turtles.