Lifeclass

Beloveds, the following is an abridged excerpt taken from my latest book, Peace from Broken Pieces. As we all try to find the right words and actions following the tragedies of Newtown, Connecticut, I had to go back and re-read this chapter. These words brought peace to me and I hope they will for you as well. It’s from Chapter 19: Starting Over and it’s not the entire chapter, but I felt there was enough here to help. With Love, Iyanla

When did I get lost?

How did I get lost?

How long have I been lost?

Was I ever found?

I have discovered that life doesn’t actually knock you down. It does, however, provide you with many opportunities to evaluate your standing in life: what you stand on, what you stand for, how you stand within yourself and for yourself. When you’re standing is weak, you don’t get knocked down. You fall down. You trip over the fallacies and fantasies that you have created or inherited. You slip on your dysfunctional puzzle pieces and your distorted sense of self. Sometimes, if you are lucky, you fall when no one is looking, so you can limp away and lick your wounds privately. More often than not, though, you fall in front of other people, and your dress flies up over your head, exposing your ripped panties to the spectators who are doing their best not to laugh at you. Those who do not laugh, but rush to help you up, often have no idea that your ego is more bruised then your knees.

As a result of my public fall from television, I discovered that what I was standing on was quicksand. Thank goodness there were two things I could grab onto and pull myself out of the pit. The first thing I grabbed onto was my unequivocal desire to serve God. The second thing was the love and support of the women in the community in which and through which I served God.

Lydia ran my household. Almasi, Helen, and Deanna kept my business and ministry afloat. Yawfah, Rene, and Vivian kept reminding me that Gemmia’s transition, the dissolution of my marriage, and the shift in my career were not my fault. Shaheerah and Raina told me over and over again that there was something extraordinary that I was being prepared for, and the only thing required of me was to keep my heart open and my mind at peace. All I was experiencing was teaching me to become fully reliant on my inner authority, the power of God within me.

It was a hard pill to swallow. Did my daughter need to die in order for me to become a better person? Did my husband need to reject me and dishonor our commitment so that I could have a greater purpose in life? Wrong questions!The greater, grander, deeper inquiries I needed to make of myself were: what am I being asked to practice? What character values in my being asked to embody? What service can I offer the world as a result of the lessons I am learning? The answers to these questions and many more came in the form of a telephone call from the executive producer of the television program called Starting Over.

The year before she made her transition, Gemmia has insisted that I throw my hat into the ring to be considered as one of the life coaches in Starting Over. I wasn’t interested. I had already been burned. And there were still remnants of shame from my Oprah experience lingering around the edges of my ego.

Gemmia would not take no for an answer. When the producers called me, I was shocked. They were interested. I was ambivalent. I made my decision when they asked that I come live in Chicago that winter in order to shoot the first season of the show. I don’t do cold! Not the Chicago kind of cold. Besides that, my husband had moved out, and I had a Oluwa to consider. By the time the second season rolled around, the show was moving to Los Angeles. They still have my application from the first season. Was I interested?

Not really. I had buried my daughter six months earlier. I had a 12-year-old grandson to raise. I was the closest thing that my granddaughter had to her mother. Even if I could work out all of the other loose ends, I could not leave Niamoja…..

… One day I sat down and had a conversation with my brother friend Rev. Michael Beckwith. After I shared my story with him and asked him if I was moving in the right direction, he not only supported me, he encouraged me to do it all in the name of Gemmia. He said, follow the Buddhist tradition of taking your sorrow and sadness and doing something positive with it in the name of someone you love. That is exactly what I did for two seasons on starting over. Those were the two most productive and healing years of my life. Even so, they were just preparation for what was to come next.

Iyanla Vanzant, accomplished author, inspirational speaker, talk show host and living testament to the value in life’s valleys and the power of acting on faith, goes behind closed doors and deep inside people’s lives for emotional, riveting conversations in the new hit series- Iyanla: Fix My Life

Iyanla has had a unique life filled with many personal struggles, which she has overcome and used to become stronger. Now, she’s back, helping people fix their lives, using her past to help others’ futures. Secrets will be revealed, truths will be uncovered and emotions will come out as Iyanla teaches us how to pull back the curtain on what is broken in our lives.

Iyanla: Fix My Life is produced by Harpo Studios. Join the conversation on Twitter using #FixMyLife

Today’s Monday Matters is an excerpt from “One Day My Soul Just Opened Up“, 40 Days and 40 Nights Toward Spiritual Strength and Personal Growth. It is about practicing Non-Judgement: It is a state of mental and emotional openness and receptivity to new experiences and new interpretations of past experiences. Observation of people and/or participation in events without the imposing of personal will, perceptions, or criticisms.

Commentary on NONJUDGMENT

It’s so good to have a sane friend to talk to when you are crazy. I had one. My friend made one statement. It was a simple statement that made no sense and so much sense at the same time. He gave me some insight that helped me release my children, myself and every other person and condition in my life from the death grip of judgment. The statement:

“There is no right, no wrong, there just is what is!”

Are you telling me that it’s not wrong to kill, lie and steal?

“People who commit those acts do so in fear, shame or guilt. Is it wrong to be afraid or shamed or to feel guilty?”

It made sense, but it didn’t feel right, I mean good. I had to pursue this line of thought a bit further. If there is no right or wrong, that means anybody can do anything because they are afraid, ashamed or guilty.

“People do anything and everything anyway. The fact that we judge it wrong or right does not stop people from doing anything in this life. When we judge what they have done, we are actually informing them of the conditions we place on loving them. When they do what we think is right, we love them. If we judge them wrong, we become angry and ignite the fear that we will take our love away. A person without love is a frightened person. A frightened person is capable of doing some pretty unloving things.”

Get a grip! Thousands of people were enslaved because somebody felt unloved? Hitler killed millions because he felt unloved?

I had it backward.

“That with which we are unfamiliar, we a fear. Those things we don’t understand we fear. People are enslaved by or because of fear. When we feel powerless we seek power. When we have no control we seek to control. People are killed when powerlessness seeks to control.”

That’s crazy!

“Crazy is a judgment.”

People killing or enslaving other people because they are afraid or because they feel powerless or want control is not crazy?

“Who’s to say? People do what they do based on who they are, what they believe, and the information they have at the time that supports their feelings and beliefs. Slavery is wrong today. Four hundred years ago it seemed like a viable economic venture. Hitler is considered a monster today. In his day however, thousands supported or ignored him. Saying it was right or wrong does not change the fact that it was. When you think of something as wrong, you are actually saying there is something wrong with you.”

ME?? I don’t think there is anything wrong with me!

“Of course you do. That’s why you judge your children.”

I’m not judging my children. I simply want them to do the right… thing. I mean I want them to make out better than I have.

“What’s wrong with the way you made out?”

I made it so hard on myself and those around me.

“You did what you knew how to do based on what you knew and believed to be right at that time. How can you prevent your children from doing the same thing if that is what they choose to do?”

By teaching them how to do things the right way. By giving them better skills, better tools than I had. You’ve made me afraid to use the word “right”.

“When you are afraid, you see and hear things that have nothing to do with what is. Your children are going to do whatever they are going to do, no matter what you think, say, do or fear.”

I know. Good kids come from bad homes. Bad kids come from good homes. There must be some magic formula to ensure the success of our children.

“There is. Give them your best. Share with them what you know, and let them make their own choices based on what you have shared. When they falter or fall, be there for them without anger of fear. Take the conditions off your love. Stop looking for your mistakes in their actions. When it is all said and done, the best thing you can do for your children is to stop believing that there is anything wrong with the way you turned out, or the way you turned up.”

I hate it when you’re right.

“I’m never right. I just share what I know because I am.”

You must mean, “You is!”

Monday Matters – Commentary on NONJUDGMENT by Iyanla Vanzant was last modified: January 20th, 2014 by Iyanla

I hope you had a wonderful break Beloveds. I was recently reminded of this excerpt from my book, “Yesterday, I Cried”, because sometimes we all have those days when we just want to sit down and weep. It’s cleansing and messy all at the same time! Whether your tree fell on your neighbor’s house, your car got smashed, you came down with the flu or were just plain sad, we always make it through the weeping feeling drained, yet peaceful. Things do get better Beloveds, especially if we can find the little things in life that we are grateful for and use them to focus our love for everything that shows up in our lives.

Yesterday, I Cried-

I came home, went straight to my room, sat on the edge of my bed, kicked off my shoes, unhooked my bra, and I had myself a good cry.

I’m telling you, I cried until my nose was running all over the silk blouse I got on sale. I cried until my ears were hot. I cried until my head was hurting so bad that I could hardly see the pile of soiled tissues lying on the floor at my feet.

I want you to understand, I had myself a really good cry yesterday.

Yesterday, I cried, for all the days that I was too busy, or too tired, or too mad to cry.

I cried for all the days, and all the ways, and all the times I had dishonored, disrespected, and disconnected my Self from myself, only to have it reflected back to me in the ways others did to me the same things I had already done to myself.

I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen; for all the things I had asked for that had yet to show up; for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away, to people in circumstances, which left me feeling empty, and battered and plain old used.

I cried because there really does come a time when the only thing left for you to do is cry.

Yesterday, I cried. I cried because little boys get left by their daddies; and little girls get forgotten by their mommies; and daddies don’t know what to do, so they leave; and mommies get left, so they get mad.

I cried because I had a little boy, and because I was a little girl, and because I was a mommy who didn’t know what to do, and because I wanted my daddy to be there for me so badly until I ached.

Yesterday, I cried. I cried because I hurt. I cried because I was hurt. I cried because hurt has no place to go except deeper into the pain that caused it in the first place, and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up.

I cried because it was too late. I cried because it was time.

I cried because my soul knew that I didn’t know that my soul knew everything I needed to know.

I cried a soulful cry yesterday, and it felt so good.

It felt so very, very bad.

In the midst of my crying, I felt my freedom coming, Because Yesterday, I cried with an agenda.
———————————————————————————————————————————-About Iyanla Vanzant:

Iyanla Vanzant is the best-selling author of five books on self-empowerment, personal growth and spiritual healing, with the most recent book being Peace from Broken Pieces. As the founder and executive director of the Inner Visions Spiritual Life Maintenance Network, she conducts workshops, seminars and lectures nationally. Drawing from her own experiences of family dysfunction, abuse, and poverty, Iyanla encourages us all to look at ourselves, laugh at ourselves and then take the necessary steps to heal ourselves. Her practical message is based on the principles of universal law, self-determination and the power of Spirit. You can learn more about her work at www.innervisionsworldwide.com.

Iyanla has recently appeared several times during Oprah’s Lifeclass webcast segments. You can view the videos on Oprah’s Lifeclass Website She also recently appeared on Super Soul Sunday with Oprah, speaking about what she had to go through to get to where she is now. You can view these segments on the Super Soul Sunday website.

Iyanla has a new show on the Oprah Winfrey Network called “Iyanla, Fix My Life!”. To learn more about it and apply to be on Iyanla’s show and have her help you, please visit the OWN website and SHARE YOUR STORY.

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Monday Matters – “Yesterday I Cried” by Iyanla Vanzant was last modified: November 26th, 2012 by Iyanla

Human beings, particularly those of us with a deep attachment to the ego, the voice of separation, have a tendency to be very dramatic. When our backs are up against the wall; when we are being stretched or pruned or corrected by the circumstances of life rather than knowing and believing that things are working together for our good, we more often than not immediately assume that we are in grave danger of extinction.

When I think back to the most challenging experiences of my life, those moments when everything I thought I knew and believed were being tested, I must admit that the greatest difficulty I encountered was trying to control the rampant thoughts that seized my mind.

I now recognize that in those most difficult moments my thinking became resistant, fearful and dramatic. I conjured up my own suffering. I lost faith and trust in all that I knew to be true.

Feeling sorry for myself, blaming others, not wanting to go through the trials of whatever the situation was at the time, I expected the worst and more often than not, that is what I got – – the worst possible scenario I could imagine. And, since it was in my mind, I experienced it in my life. It seemed real. It felt real.

It was a very dramatic manifestation of my own thinking.

There are certain life experiences like death or separation from a loved one that engender fear or sorrow. A challenge to one’s health or physical well being can also be frightening and will give rise to resistance. Things like the lack of funds to provide for your basic needs or hurt, harm or danger to your children render you helpless and desperate.

In these moments and for countless others it is very human and almost expected that the most dominant thought will lead the mind to the worst possible outcome rather than the greater possibility.

As humans, when we cannot see the end or control the events, we immediately assume that something horrible, painful and tragic will befall us. Lack of vision and control are sure to trigger the drama response.

In other situations, when something we do not want nor like or have not planned for presents itself as a life experience, we reach out for the support and input of others. Unfortunately, we often lure them into our experience by embellishing the worst parts of the story and refusing to entertain anything other than what we believe is happening, can happen or will happen to cause more dramatic suffering.

This kind of drama, like an infection, spreads quickly not just to all the cells in our body but to the people and other situations in our lives.

My experience has been that the more dramatic my responses to any experience, the faster and more widespread is the infection in other areas of my life. When I do not make a swift and serious effort to calm myself, focus my thoughts and eliminate the fear, I have run the risk of having the small manageable infection grow into a rip roaring plague!

What I have come to know and believe it that at all times, in all situations and under all circumstances, my only job and often the most difficult task I face is to trust in the goodness of God and to make myself available to God’s love and voice.

I often say that if God is the Alpha (Beginning) and the Omega (the End), then the middle is already covered by the presence of God.

Initially knowing this does not make hearing difficult news or facing a frightening situation easy. However, learning to lean into God’s presence rather than chasing my own thoughts has proven to save time and subdue the drama that is created when I think I am on my own.

A dramatic, fear-based, resistant response to life’s circumstances is a function of a broken line of communication with the Creator of my life.

Insisting that things must be the way I want them to be, believing that I can somehow control life and how it unfolds, avoiding the unpleasant moments, the testing situations and the inevitabilities of life will always result in a dramatic plague that I have to clean up.

Drama calls for a villain and a victim, conflict and control, a winner and a loser. Most dramas make really great entertainment but they can also limit the spiritual growth and healing possibilities for those involved.

Every life has difficult moments just as many stories have tragic elements. What makes a really good and dramatic story may not necessarily have an ending that promotes truth and faith or trust in the Divine Potential of the Human Spirit.

As human beings, we must all face tests that make us stronger, even when the tests make no sense to us. We are not going to feel prepared for the situations that we face. Surely it seems that some of us get more than our fair share of challenges, tests and difficulties.

None of this changes the truth that right where I am, the fulness of God is making drama optional to this depth of trust and knowing.

If, in the quiet times, the calm before the storm, I spend more time in connection and communion with the Commanding Officer of my life, the battles will seem less deadly and more purposeful.

Moving into a new year, a new time of possibility and opportunity, I am committed to make my life adrama free zone. This means that I will need to train my mind to seek first the lesson, learning and healing available by sending my ego to the corner when a challenge first shows its face. Not an easy task for sure but I have walked through enough plagues in my life to make me willing to do a new thing. How about you?
———————————————————————————————————————————-About Iyanla Vanzant:

Iyanla Vanzant is the best-selling author of five books on self-empowerment, personal growth and spiritual healing, with the most recent book being Peace from Broken Pieces. As the founder and executive director of the Inner Visions Spiritual Life Maintenance Network, she conducts workshops, seminars and lectures nationally. Drawing from her own experiences of family dysfunction, abuse, and poverty, Iyanla encourages us all to look at ourselves, laugh at ourselves and then take the necessary steps to heal ourselves. Her practical message is based on the principles of universal law, self-determination and the power of Spirit. You can learn more about her work at www.innervisionsworldwide.com.

Iyanla has recently appeared several times during Oprah’s Lifeclass webcast segments. You can view the videos on Oprah’s Lifeclass Website She also recently appeared on Super Soul Sunday with Oprah, speaking about what she had to go through to get to where she is now. You can view these segments on the Super Soul Sunday website.

Iyanla has a new show on the Oprah Winfrey Network called “Iyanla, Fix My Life!”. To learn more about it and apply to be on Iyanla’s show and have her help you, please visit the OWN website and SHARE YOUR STORY.

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Monday Matters – Drama Is Optional by Iyanla Vanzant was last modified: November 19th, 2012 by Iyanla

There’s a sweet, sweet spirit in this place whenever lives come together; whenever hearts and minds come together, there’s a sweetness. And whether we call that sweetness Peace or Bliss, Joy or Nirvana; it’s about the Blessedness of Life. One writer said it like this:

“The Light of God surrounds me,
the Love of God enfolds me,
the Power of God protects me,
the Presence of God watches over me.
Right where I am, God is.
And so it is”

I want to tell you about me when I was a little girl. I had an older brother and whenever anything happened, I got blamed! I can’t imagine why! So I eventually I got hip to his game. But because I had such a big, loving heart, I would never say, “He did it!”, I would say, “I don’t know!”

“I don’t know who broke that vase…” Now there’s nobody in the house but me and him and he don’t know and I don’t know.

But what that reminds me of is that we learn very, very early to go into denial. At a very young age we learn that we can’t acknowledge all that we know because if we do, we’ll either get blamed or we’ll be forced to take responsibility. And instead of that, we go into denial.

And if denial doesn’t work, then most of us go into Confusion. We get confused about what we are denying. And that works sometimes, but as adults it gets a little difficult.

I went into confusion and denial as an adult, particularly as it related to my marriage. I won’t tell you which one, but I will say that I was in denial. I knew just as sure as I knew my name that I should not be marrying the one I was marrying. But I was in denial and then I got confused!

“How can I cancel the florist? The wedding planner? The caterer? I can’t.. I can’t do all of that!”

So that denial and confusion led me to the very place that I didn’t want to be. You see, we go into denial and confusion very often because we want to avoid pain and increase pleasure.

We want to avoid those things that we fear or those things that we think will cause us pain. So we go into denial about what the truth is! And then we get confused about why we don’t have what we want. Because ultimately if you deny yourself into a state of confusion, you will hurt yourself or get hurt by someone else.

So as an adult, this is what I learned, “Thou shalt not act like you doth not know!”

Now that’s like according to Iyanla, you don’t have to practice that! In fact, I have a more productive way for you to practice this and that is, ACT LIKE YOU KNOW THE TRUTH.

Act like you know the truth because the truth is, we REALLY do know the truth! We really do know the truth when we stay out of denial and confusion. The minute we think that we are going to be in pain or in fear, we will go into denial. But the commandment is, “Thou shalt not act like you doth not know!”

You better act like you know the truth, all the time. Because the truth is what the writer said, the Light of God surrounds us!

Something bigger, something greater, something grander than ourselves is always around us. When I think about what could have happened in that marriage, I say, “Oh the light was there! The light was there!”

When you think about some of the things that you have put yourself into that the light guided you out of… of the light IS there. And you do know that.. when you’re not in denial or wearing blinders.

The truth is that the Love of God and Good enfolds us!

When it’s all said and done and when we’re not looking in a mirror, we really are loving aren’t we? We really are good, loving people. All of us have a little ugly in us but for the most part, we really are love.

And we want to live from that place, but we spend too much time avoiding pain and trying to increase pleasure.

The truth that the writer said, that there’s a Power that protects us!

At least it protects me, because I’m sure that this isn’t true about you… but I’m human! And on any given day, I am prone to lose my naturally good mind! I never know what is going to prompt it!

It could be traffic on the Beltway. It could be missing my favorite cereal in the cereal aisle. It could be an old, episode of Law and Order, that I’ve already seen five times and I’m still outraged by the verdict! But there is a Power within us, a Loving Power.

So we want to learn how to move through life, acting like we know the truth, because we do. When we’re not in denial and when we’re not in confusion.

———————————————————————————————————————————-About Iyanla Vanzant:

Iyanla Vanzant is the best-selling author of five books on self-empowerment, personal growth and spiritual healing, with the most recent book being Peace from Broken Pieces. As the founder and executive director of the Inner Visions Spiritual Life Maintenance Network, she conducts workshops, seminars and lectures nationally. Drawing from her own experiences of family dysfunction, abuse, and poverty, Iyanla encourages us all to look at ourselves, laugh at ourselves and then take the necessary steps to heal ourselves. Her practical message is based on the principles of universal law, self-determination and the power of Spirit. You can learn more about her work at www.innervisionsworldwide.com.

Iyanla has recently appeared several times during Oprah’s Lifeclass webcast segments. You can view the videos on Oprah’s Lifeclass Website She also recently appeared on Super Soul Sunday with Oprah, speaking about what she had to go through to get to where she is now. You can view these segments on the Super Soul Sunday website.

Iyanla has a new show on the Oprah Winfrey Network called “Iyanla, Fix My Life!”. To learn more about it and apply to be on Iyanla’s show and have her help you, please visit the OWN website and SHARE YOUR STORY.

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Monday Matters – “Act Like you Know the Truth” by Iyanla Vanzant was last modified: November 12th, 2012 by Iyanla

However, there is only one Spirit. The spirit of a thing or being is connected to the Spirit of life, who is God, the Creator and essence of life.

Through breath, God imbues every living thing with its being and its essence. The presence of Spirit is everywhere, at all times, giving life to all things.

What I Know Now is that there is a seed of peace, joy, love, and wisdom in each of us.

My seeds had been trampled upon by the bad behavior of the big people, the adults in my life . . . It would be a spiritual bypass for me to say they did the best they could, because the truth is, we can all be better if we choose to.

What I Know Now about spirituality is that you cannot make it up as you go along.

The principles must be embodied, embraced, and lived. There must be accountability for the development of spiritual integrity. Whether you receive your guidance from a sacred text, a minister, or a spiritual teacher, everyone must be held accountable for the spiritual beliefs that manifest as behavior.

What I Know Now is that making life harder than it needs to be does not make you more valuable, worthy, or stronger. In fact, it gives you wrinkles!

What I Know Now is that most of us simply never received the tools or the information that we need to create the lives we dream of living.

In addition, the challenges and hardships we face in life—more often than not—cause us to lose faith in ourselves, in our abilities, and in our dreams.

What I Know Now is that the people who hurt me, betrayed me, and disappointed me did not change.

My prayers for spiritual clarity, peace of mind, and the desire to be pleasing in my service to God changed how I viewed myself, my life, and the others who come to share the experience of living with me.

What I Know Now is that every woman needs and can do rituals to feed, comfort, and develop her spirit.

A nightly bath can be a ritual. A morning or evening prayer practice can be a ritual. Taking a day for yourself, withdrawing from the world, or doing something that calms and feeds your soul on a regular basis can be a ritual.

What I Know Now is that winter is the time for us to rest and renew.

The cold, frost, and snow encourage us to slow down, go within (physically and spiritually), and rest.

Spring is the time for us to awaken and plant . . . Summer is when we ripen and reap the rewards of what we have planted—mentally, emotionally, and physically. Fall is the most appropriate time for us to evaluate and cleanse.

What I Know Now is that happiness is a temporary condition that arises from external stimulation.

Joy is a state of mind and being that feeds and nurtures the soul. Many things that make us happy satisfy the demands of the ego. Joy is a Spirit-driven, Spirit-given experience. When we have joy, we are centered in the heart, grounded in calm, and unshaken by the world at large.

What I Know Now is that many of us still do not know what we are seeking.

We embark upon a spiritual search with a preconceived idea of what we should experience and what we can expect as a result. Few of us understand our need for mental or emotional healing. Others dismiss the connection between our physical-world experiences and our spiritual curriculum.

What I Know Now is that anyone on the path of spiritual evolution must realize that she will not get full-time rewards for part-time practice.

When it is your desire to make God, your spirit, and a life of spiritual integrity a priority, the blessings you will receive are not for you alone. They are to serve as a demonstration of what is possible to others.

———————————————————————————————————————————-About Iyanla Vanzant:

Iyanla Vanzant is the best-selling author of five books on self-empowerment, personal growth and spiritual healing, with the most recent book being Peace from Broken Pieces. As the founder and executive director of the Inner Visions Spiritual Life Maintenance Network, she conducts workshops, seminars and lectures nationally. Drawing from her own experiences of family dysfunction, abuse, and poverty, Iyanla encourages us all to look at ourselves, laugh at ourselves and then take the necessary steps to heal ourselves. Her practical message is based on the principles of universal law, self-determination and the power of Spirit. You can learn more about her work at www.innervisionsworldwide.com.

Iyanla has recently appeared several times during Oprah’s Lifeclass webcast segments. You can view the videos on Oprah’s Lifeclass Website She also recently appeared on Super Soul Sunday with Oprah, speaking about what she had to go through to get to where she is now. You can view these segments on the Super Soul Sunday website.

Iyanla has a new show on the Oprah Winfrey Network called “Iyanla, Fix My Life!”. To learn more about it and apply to be on Iyanla’s show and have her help you, please visit the OWN website and SHARE YOUR STORY.

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Monday Matters – “What I Know Now” by Iyanla Vanzant was last modified: November 5th, 2012 by Iyanla

This book of 365 daily devotionals supports the time-honored adage, “Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today?” Beloveds, I know how easy it is to stay stuck in old sentiments, resentments, beliefs, decisions, agreements, judgments, and ideas that may have become habitual.

Through these devotions I hope to show readers that the easiest way to create change is to simply shift your attitude–today. We often work so hard to get the things we want that we miss the fact that it is the landscape of the inner world that stands between us and true happiness.

Faith and Experience

You must have faith and experience in order to live life fully.

You must have faith that all of the things you expect from life are possible for you.

You must have faith that no matter what life brings you, you will be able to handle it.

You must have faith that your faith will eventually lead to good experiences.

Experience teaches you that your faith is paying off.

Once you have had an experience, you know that you know. When you know, you become more faithful.

Once you have an experience, it makes you want better or different experiences.

The difference between faith and experience is this: One you must work on. The other one works on you.

You must work to keep your faith alive. When you are working on faith, it may feel as if you are going against the grain. There may be no evidence that what you believe has any validity.

Still, you must move forward faithfully, until you have the experience that will lead you to knowing. An experience leaves a mark on your consciousness. An experience will guide your thoughts and your actions. An experience can open your heart to new horizons or close your heart in fear. In the midst of an experience, you must have faith that you will ultimately reap some benefit from what you now know to be true.

It is important to know what experiences to put your faith in. If you have an unpleasant experience, have faith that you will learn something new, useful or productive.

When you have a pleasant or productive experience, have faith that you can duplicate the experience and make it better.

Have faith that your mind and heart will always be open to bigger, better experiences than those you have already had.

Until today, you may not have realized that your faith and your experiences work hand in hand.

Just for today, use your faith to create better experiences. Use your experiences to activate a deeper sense of faith.

———————————————————————————————————————————-About Iyanla Vanzant:

Iyanla Vanzant is the best-selling author of five books on self-empowerment, personal growth and spiritual healing, with the most recent book being Peace from Broken Pieces. As the founder and executive director of the Inner Visions Spiritual Life Maintenance Network, she conducts workshops, seminars and lectures nationally. Drawing from her own experiences of family dysfunction, abuse, and poverty, Iyanla encourages us all to look at ourselves, laugh at ourselves and then take the necessary steps to heal ourselves. Her practical message is based on the principles of universal law, self-determination and the power of Spirit. You can learn more about her work at www.innervisionsworldwide.com.

Iyanla has recently appeared several times during Oprah’s Lifeclass webcast segments. You can view the videos on Oprah’s Lifeclass Website She also recently appeared on Super Soul Sunday with Oprah, speaking about what she had to go through to get to where she is now. You can view these segments on the Super Soul Sunday website.

Iyanla has a new show on the Oprah Winfrey Network called “Iyanla, Fix My Life!”. To learn more about it and apply to be on Iyanla’s show and have her help you, please visit the OWN website and SHARE YOUR STORY.

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Monday Matters – “Faith and Experience” by Iyanla Vanzant was last modified: October 29th, 2012 by Iyanla

In the ancient days, the wise grandmothers would take the young girls away from the village to teach them all that they needed to know about themselves and their lives. Every tribe, clan, village and community honored and revered the wisdom of the grandmothers. The people knew what these grandmothers knew; that becoming and being a woman is a sacred affair, not an event. They understood that becoming a woman takes time. The young girls knew that what they would learn from the grandmothers was necessary. They also knew that it was secret.

Over time, the woman’s learning process changed. Today, women learn on the job, often without the nurturing wisdom of their grandmothers. Time on the job is still a vital requirement and the woman’s learning process remains a sacred event. Although many of the secrets are not taught today, make no mistake, the secrets are not lost. The sacred secrets of being a woman are etched in the soul of every woman. It is the duty of every woman to excavate the secrets of the soul and live them with grace.

The soul, as used here, is the intangible essence of the being. It is what makes you who you are. It has nothing to do with what you are called or your name.

The soul is not a physical characteristic. It is spiritual. It is the core. All of life’s issue are born in and healed through the soul.

Some say that the soul is the flesh and bones of the personality.

The traits of the personality are the clothes that a woman chooses to wear in response to the developmental needs and deficiencies of the soul.

In women, the soul is the driving force. It is the place we store our life maintenance supplies. It is the place to which we retreat when our reserves are low.

There was a time when women were taught how to access the scared resources of the soul, extracting whatever was needed in order to confront a particular situation. Women were taught what songs to sing; what dances to dance, what prayers to pray and they were taught what things they needed to reach out for in order to replenish the soul.

There was a time when the inspiration to be a woman came from other women. It was communicated to young girls in the way the grandmothers moved. The way they spoke. The way they looked at you, their eyes conveying silent conversations which imparted the knowledge of their soul into the essence of your soul.

Then, for reasons known and unknown, women buried their secrets. They refused to sing their songs. They forgot their rituals. They altered their prayers. As a result of this women began to die from the inside out.

In order for a woman to live and learn and reclaim her aliveness, she must understand her unfolding process from the inside out. At every age and stage of living there are stages a woman must master in order for her to claim her power.

The blessing represents what the soul brings to life and what the soul can offer to the world.

The blessing has nothing to do with what an individual can do. It is the essence of who and what the soul is at a particular stage of development.

The blessing is what God sends through you into the world as a demonstration of love.

The blessing is a gift for others that manifests through and by your presence.

All blessings grow and mature over a naturally predetermined course of time.

Some blessings blossom and transform into a deeper, more profound expressions of who a woman is.

Other blessings fade, allowing something else, something grander, to take its place.

As the blessing grows within you, it transforms you and those around you.

All blessings are learning tools. They help you to navigate through the lessons you must master in life.

If it is left undisturbed, allowed to develop and blossom without interruption, the blessing becomes a pillar in the foundation of character.

The blessing allows you to give to others without losing yourself.

The Gift represents that which is given to you by divine providence as a support mechanism. Support means that which you can abide in, that which you can stand upon.

A friend, devastated when a long-term plan fell apart, insisted she had prayed and held a vision for her desired outcome. She was sure she had followed internal guidance and was aligned in consciousness with principles that would manifest exactly what she wanted. Convinced that something had gone wrong or that something negative was blocking her, she flat out refused to give up on the dream. “I’ll wait,” she said, “for the universe to turn this back in my direction. If the law is the law, it must come back around. I will wait.” Listening to her I became aware that there is an important distinction between waiting and wading.

The traditional Negro spiritual instructs seekers to, “wade in the water;” to be still, allowing God to move the energy around us.

In scripture, we are encouraged to, “wait on the Lord and be of good courage.”

While both are excellent faith-building practices, one indicates a divine delay that may ultimately work to your benefit. The other is an assurance of divine intervention with an outcome we can hardly anticipate.

When we are clear about waiting time and the opportunity to wade, there is less likelihood that we will short circuit the way the universe of life intends to bless us.

Wading is a full internal surrender and relaxation of mind and body with no expectation, no demands, and no requirements of fulfillment. Wading has no direction or destination. It is an immersion, release and willingness to be in the flow.

We live in the flow of universal energy. At times, the tide flows in. At other times, it flows out.

Wading, or “being in the flow”, means allowing the good to come to you rather than demanding it show up as you believe it should. Wading, however, has a very specific requirement. You must be perfectly aligned with the energy of that which you desire. Wading requires a sense of knowing and trust that at the right time, in the right way, your deepest intent and desire will be realized. If there is any doubt or hesitation in your wading, trusting or knowing, your wading will become waiting.

Waiting requires an internal and often external pressing into time and space with a specific demand. It means anticipating that the expected will happen, hopefully as expected. Waiting also encourages watching. You must keep looking to make sure that the thing is coming like you want it to come. Waiting demands a sort of mental and emotional holding pattern that can easily slip into an active control.

In the process of waiting and the attempt to control one thing, many others things can be missed or avoided. While wading calls us to let go totally, completely with a deeper level of trust that requires no energy or effort, waiting means remaining alert for some sign or signal indicating a time to move and capture what we are waiting to receive.

When we are wading we float.

When we wait, we pace.

When we are wading we soak in the environment, the energy, the Presence.

When we are waiting there is a part of the mind that still wonders, “if?”

It is the waiting part of the mind that innocently wanders off course and disturbs the unfathomable possibilities that lie just beneath the surface.

Waiting can be driven by the ego.

Wading always rests in Spirit.

What are you waiting for?

———————————————————————————————————————————-About Iyanla Vanzant:

Iyanla Vanzant is the best-selling author of five books on self-empowerment, personal growth and spiritual healing, with the most recent book being Peace from Broken Pieces. As the founder and executive director of the Inner Visions Spiritual Life Maintenance Network, she conducts workshops, seminars and lectures nationally. Drawing from her own experiences of family dysfunction, abuse, and poverty, Iyanla encourages us all to look at ourselves, laugh at ourselves and then take the necessary steps to heal ourselves. Her practical message is based on the principles of universal law, self-determination and the power of Spirit. You can learn more about her work at www.innervisionsworldwide.com.

You can-do anything, and navigate yourself through anything if you have the proper road map. When you are guided by peace, driven by love and if you have a clear direction you will reach the highest point of your destination. My motto is, “Begin Within!” Once you clean up the inside, everything and everyone on the outside will fall in line with your center.

Be Clear About What You Are Doing

This sounds real simple, yet it is a point we often miss. This means making sure that your inner conviction and your outer actions are in alignment with and compliment each other.Be Clear About Why You Are Doing It

Very often, we allow what we “don’t want” to determine and sometimes control our behavior. Doing anything just to prove you can do it will ultimately lead to a sense of being unfulfilled. Sit down and get quiet with yourself and make sure you know fully why you are doing what you are doing.

Identify and Heal Your Judgments

You must remain flexible. Judgments keep you stuck in what should and should not be, leaving little room for what can-be.

Know Your Worth:

Pick a destination that allows you to stretch and grow beyond your comfort zone into a higher vision of the self you know right now.

Declare Your Value:

Time and energy are valuable commodities. Declare your own self value by not wasting time or energy with things and people who are not moving you in the direction you have chosen for yourself.

Communicate Authentically By Asking For What You Want:

The easiest way to get what you want is to ask for it. When you flip-flop between what you feel, what you say and what you do, you send out mixed signals, which means you will get mixed and often unsatisfactory results. (It is also a good practice to make sure that your no means no and that your yes means yes.) Write it down, speak it out loud or clearly picture it in your mind will help you to do this.

Learn From The Past

Just because something hasn’t happened does not mean that it will not happen. Do not allow the past to weigh you down. Learn from your mis-steps and mis-deeds. (Be prepared to do a new things in a new way rather than crying over what didn’t work.)

Ask For Support When You Need It

Everyone wants to claim their own victory, however, most victories are a team effort. Open yourself to receive support, assistance and guidance from others.

Love What You Do!

I never think of my ministry, Inner Visions Institute, as purely a business venture. I consider it a service to the world. This means that it is the part of my life that I offer to God. Everything that I do for God, I do in love. I love to write! I love to teach and share ideas! I love to support other people in finding their passion and vision in life. It may not be written anywhere as a sound business principle, but believe me, it works! Love magnetizes whatever it touches and, it attracts more love to it. It also helps to know that love and money are ruled by the same vibration.

Don’t Do It Just For The Money!

My daughters and I started Inner Visions on my kitchen table. I wrote the Newsletter, they helped me fold it. At first, we didn’t even charge for it. We sent it out to anyone who requested it because we wanted them to have the information. When someone suggested to me that I charge for the Newsletter, I was appalled! Over time I came to realize that I could never charge for the love and energy I put into my work. However, it is necessary to charge people for the cost of production and my time.

Have A Vision! Stay Focused!

When times were real tight, nothing I did generated an income. I was tempted to throw in the towel and go back to practicing law. When I was alone at night, I would remember how I got started. More important, I remembered why I got started. Loving people! Sharing information! Healing the planet! When I woke up in the morning, I would be so charged up, I would count my pennies, make new arrangements to pay the bills and renew my vow to do whatever was necessary to spread the word.

Specialize! Make Yourself Unique!

One day, without any prompting from me, Dr. Dennis Kimbro walked up to me in a convention center and began to compliment me on my work. He told me how important my work was and how good I was at it. Not only did I need to hear those words on that day, he went on to give me the best advise I have ever heard. It is advice I still use today. He said, “Don’t try to do everything. Specialize!” Pick something and stick to it. He went on to say, “Make yourself unique!” Do what you do in such a way that no matter what anyone else is doing, people must have what you are offering. I specialize in loving with excellence and listening with compassion.

What makes you unique?

———————————————————————————————————————————-About Iyanla Vanzant:

Iyanla Vanzant is the best-selling author of five books on self-empowerment, personal growth and spiritual healing, with the most recent book being Peace from Broken Pieces. As the founder and executive director of the Inner Visions Spiritual Life Maintenance Network, she conducts workshops, seminars and lectures nationally. Drawing from her own experiences of family dysfunction, abuse, and poverty, Iyanla encourages us all to look at ourselves, laugh at ourselves and then take the necessary steps to heal ourselves. Her practical message is based on the principles of universal law, self-determination and the power of Spirit. You can learn more about her work at www.innervisionsworldwide.com.

I have been so busy taping more episodes for Iyanla: Fix My Life that I am going to share yet another excerpt from one of my books, Acts of Faith as today’s Monday Matters. This book is my homework assignment that I am sharing with the world. It represents all that I have learned about and grown through. I believe it has affected so many people so deeply because they are in the same life classroom in which I once sat. People want to give me the credit, but I know the success of Acts of Faith has nothing to do with me. It is the result of so many people being willing to attend life’s school. It is the outgrowth of so many of us being willing to learn and to find a better way of living. It is an answer to the silent prayer so many of us have uttered: “Oh God, please help me!” Acts of Faith has been an anchor, a rock and a guide to so many people because God always answers our prayers.
In Peace,
Iyanla

Like the late fall day, I was feeling dreary. Yes, it happens sometimes. Even to me. We all have those days when we feel down, ugly and totally alone. In those times, we need something, some little thing to pick us up and make us smile. For me, on this day, it was a telephone call. A woman in Louisville, Kentucky, had lost her only son tragically, to senseless street violence. She had been in a suicidal state of depression for more than a year. A friend brought her a copy of Acts of Faith. They read several pages together. The woman then devoured the rest of the book on her own. Within days, she was feeling much better. Within a week or so, she was going out again. A month after she first read the book, she bought 100 copies and stood on a street corner in Louisville, handing them out to people on the street. At first, people were leery, but they accepted the gift. One of the people who received a copy was a disc jockey. After reading the book, he began to read it on his radio show. Within a few days, Louisville had Acts of Faith fever. And that’s not all.

I was giving a lecture in Washington, D.C. A woman came to the podium to give her personal testimony. She told us how she had been awakened in the middle of the night by a fire raging in her home. She and her family escaped but they lost everything…almost everything. The day after the fire, she sifted through the rubble trying to find salvageable items. As she stood where her bedroom once stood, she saw a bit of purple peeking out through the burned wood and ashes. It was her copy of Acts of Faith. The night stand that she kept the book on was gone; the bed that she sat on to read the book was burned to a crisp. Miraculously, except for a few singed areas on the cover, her copy of Acts of Faith was intact. She dropped it in her purse, carried it everywhere and continued to read it faithfully every day. Within a few months, she and her family had moved, into a brand new home. She says she never leaves home without her singed copy of Acts of Faith. And there more.

I was at a book signing in Maryland. Although exhausted from traveling, I was trying to “look pretty” and pay attention to the people in line. One by one, folks told me about their experiences with the book an about how many copies they had given away as presents. I listened, smiled and tried not to yawn in their faces. The 199th person in the line was a young man. When he stepped up to the table, we exchanged a brief glance. He handed me his book and told me his name.

I smiled in response. Suddenly, he bent down and whispered “Thank you,” and began to cry. When I reached out for him, he dropped to his knees, put his head in my lap and began to wail aloud. He told me that one night he called his best friend to say good-bye. He had decided to kill himself. His friend begged him to wait, he would be right over. The friend showed up with a hot bottle of Seven-Up and a copy of Acts of Faith. Together, they read the book, drank the hot soda and cried. The young man was thanking me for saving his life. I told him, as I have told so many others, “Don’t thank me, thank God. All I do is show up and look pretty!”

It seems like just yesterday that this little purple book showed up in my life and created so many miraculous and blessed changes. It has been used in classrooms, at funerals and weddings. It has become a standard gift for birthdays, Christmas, Kwanzaa and graduations. Mothers give it to their children who are leaving home to go to college. Fathers send it to their sons in prison. It has been quoted nationally and internationally. It is used as the source of inspiration to open and close meetings. Tulani Jordan-Kinard, an alumnus of the singing group Sweet Honey in the Rock, has written a song in its honor, which she plans to record. Acts of Faith is more than just a book. It is a process. It is a tool. It is a gift from on high. Since its publication, many people have called and written to testify about how the “purple book” has changed their minds and lives to such an infinite degree that I am humbled to be associated with it. I truly believe that Acts of Faith is a gift from God and message to the world that, no matter where you have been, what you have done or how difficult your experience have been, faith is the “breakfast of champions.” Since the original publication of Acts of Faith, many doors have opened to me. For this, I thank God. I also thank all of you who were at the door to greet me.

Many people have commented on how the book always seems to give them the exact message they need on any particular day. They want to know how I accomplished that. How did I know what they needed? The truth of the matter is, everything you need, I need. Everything that you have gone through and are going through, I have gone through and am going through. I wrote Acts of Faith in one of the darkest times of my life. There was not one single area of my life that was not being challenged. I wrote for you what I used and what I needed to get through the darkness. I wrote about the things I needed to learn and practice. I wrote about the experiences that, although difficult and painful, had taught me the most valuable lessons. You see, I truly believe that there is only one Mind and one Life. That is the Mind and Life of God. In that Mind and in this Life we all have the same experiences at different times. We respond to our experiences according to what we believe. Through our experiences we learn, grow and embrace new beliefs. When we do, it is our responsibility to the Mind and the Life to share whatever we know that could in any way help someone else.

———————————————————————————————————————————-About Iyanla Vanzant:

Iyanla Vanzant is the best-selling author of five books on self-empowerment, personal growth and spiritual healing, with the most recent book being Peace from Broken Pieces. As the founder and executive director of the Inner Visions Spiritual Life Maintenance Network, she conducts workshops, seminars and lectures nationally. Drawing from her own experiences of family dysfunction, abuse, and poverty, Iyanla encourages us all to look at ourselves, laugh at ourselves and then take the necessary steps to heal ourselves. Her practical message is based on the principles of universal law, self-determination and the power of Spirit. You can learn more about her work at www.innervisionsworldwide.com.

There was a period of about three years in which I simply was not fully present to what was going on within me or around me. The re-release of Acts of Faith, coupled with the simultaneous release of two new books, In the Meantime and One Day My Soul Just Opened Up, took my work to the New York Times bestseller list and put me in such demand that I was traveling four or more days a week, every week, month after month for more than two years.

And it was during this time that Spirit and I became all but strangers. On most days, I lost track of my spiritual practices and my faith. I prayed and I meditated, but I was no longer sure what I believed or how I felt about what I believed. The thing that saved me and kept my faith alive was when I sat to write, stood before an audience to speak, or coached another person, I could feel the living presence of Spirit in my being. These were the times when the failure of my marriage and my feelings of unworthiness didn’t matter. When I was on purpose, doing my work, I knew without a shadow of doubt that God had my back. Yet, for some reason, I slipped out of the Presence when it came to handling my personal life. Then, in the midst of my human madness of living out my personal lie, I got the telephone call that would change my life forever. I was invited to be a guest on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

Long before the young Eminem penned the lyrics, some part of me knew “You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow!” I got my hair and nails done, put on my best suit, and flew to Chicago to seize the opportunity of a lifetime. I was going to be on the show to talk about love and relationships. Lesson number one: Never talk about stuff publicly that will be broadcasted around the world unless you are really clear that you mean what you say. My relationship with God was hit and miss at best. My marriage was on the verge of being a mess. My relationship with myself was a complete disaster, and I was slated to appear on Oprah to talk about things that I was still trying to master.

I was totally numb until I walked through the door of the studio. In that moment, a fleeting thought caught my attention:

She is going to do your show.

What show? I don’t have a show.

Then the security officer beckoned me forward and the moment passed.

Everything went beautifully on the set. I connected with Oprah, and I felt that she connected with me. I sat across from her, sharing what I knew to be true about love and relationships, even though I had not mastered it in my own life. Then I left the studio the same way I had entered it: numb.

Back home, [my daughter] Gemmia was beside herself with joy. She knew, in a way that I did not, that something magnificent had been set into motion from that one appearance. She was always right. Within a few months Oprah premiered what she called Change Your Life Television, with a faculty of experts that included Dr. Phil, Suze Orman, and John Gray. I was invited to be a part of that faculty. It meant that I would appear on the show once a month. My area of expertise would be love and relationships. Oh joy! Oh rapture!

Working with a few of the show’s different producers, I appeared in several segments that were widely popular. One, which told the story of my life, was particularly meaningful to many viewers. Many of them knew my name, but few knew my story. With my entire family in the audience, I shared things about myself that had been healed but not exposed to public light. Oprah, an excellent interviewer, asked me a number of probing questions. The one that really caught my attention was, “How do you know when you have healed an issue?”

From a deep place within my gut I responded, “When you can tell the story and it doesn’t bring up any pain, you know it is healed.”

In that moment, on that stage, I was being as authentic as I knew how to be. I would not discover until much later that my personal lie was running my life and using my mouth.

One of the best shows during my time with Oprah was the men’s show. On one side, the producers gathered a group of men of all ages, my husband among them, to talk about their challenges with women. On the other side was a group of women who were ready and willing to talk about their disappointments with men. My job was to help both sides get on the same side of the table. It was meant to be insightful, inspiring, and instructional, and it seemed pretty innocent—until one of the men made a comment about women only wanting men for their money and what they could provide. I offered several counterarguments, but he and a few of the others were intent on arguing me down. So, to make the point, I put another nail in the coffin of my marriage. With all of the sincerity I could muster, I stood there on national television and said:

“That may be true for some, but it is not true for all. I love my husband and he doesn’t have any money. What he has is a huge heart and a lot of love for me. That is what really matters.”

Iyanla Vanzant, accomplished author, inspirational speaker, talk show host and living testament to the value in life’s valleys and the power of acting on faith, goes behind closed doors and deep inside people’s lives for emotional, riveting conversations in the new hit series- Iyanla: Fix My Life

Iyanla has had a unique life filled with many personal struggles, which she has overcome and used to become stronger. Now, she’s back, helping people fix their lives, using her past to help others’ futures. Secrets will be revealed, truths will be uncovered and emotions will come out as Iyanla teaches us how to pull back the curtain on what is broken in our lives.

Iyanla: Fix My Life is produced by Harpo Studios. Join the conversation on Twitter using #FixMyLife

Today’s sharing is something I received from a young man who attended one of my workshops. I share it with you hoping it will touch your heart as it touched mine. Thank You Derrick. A lesson learned and shared guarantees continued blessings.

Start with Prayer

How many times have we heard that prayer changes things? As much as I personally agree with that sentiment I sometimes fail to look at prayer from all of its aspects. I had to learn that to develop a more profound understanding of how prayer changes things in ways that I am sometimes do not appreciate and, ways I have difficulty being peace about. I realized that my perspective of prayer often causes me to doubt my faith or to lose faith in its power.

I was taught that if ever my life gets turned upside down, without prayer it will be difficult to flip it upright. Nonetheless, I fail to pray as often or consistently as I should. I also forget the prayers that I have prayed.

A few years ago I experienced a shake up in the form of an ugly breakup with a woman that I had dated off and on for eight years. It turned my life upside down and I thought equal but opposite energy was needed to flip it back to its correct side.

Eventually I learned that the initial flip was the crisis, and prayer was the energy needed to make the correction. Whenever I slip out of tune with my spirit I loose the ability to differentiate between crisis and correction. Although one can exist from a lack of prayer and the other can exists as a result, I often experienced the crisis and the correction in the same way – – I didn’t want either.

In hindsight, the answers to my prayers often showed up much sooner than I was able to accept them. As a result. I often missed them completely. I lost sight of the answers to my prayers because I didn’t want to do the work that went into making the corrections that answered prayers offer. On a very unhealthy level it was gratifying to completely miss the answers to my prayers because it allowed me to stay in my comfort zone of self-pity and denial. I would then either forget the prayer request or write it off as a prayer gone unanswered.

In my arrogance I sometimes ignore the things that the universe is kind enough to show me. Life has shown me that shake-ups are inevitable and even when I don’t invite crisis I can’t always prevent it. It has also taught me that I should always be receptive to correction and opportunity. This has not been my state of mind; I often want the rebuild without the renovation, but ripping apart and destruction must take place first.

The second phase of a renovation is the most cumbersome and tedious, the cutting away, and removing of unwanted or unnecessary materials. After a lot of measuring – twice, cutting once, and reconstruction the end result is the refreshed new space. This is a metaphor for my life. The breakup wasn’t about the woman, it was about a prayer being answered. The process of rebuilding an outdated life is often as unsettling as the incident that incited the overhaul.

Forgotten Prayers

When shake-ups occur we need to stop, be still and think back to what we have prayed for. We can become so busy racking up prayers that we forget them. When we fail to remember our requests we often perceive the prayers as unanswered. Once upon a time forgetting what I prayed for didn’t seem like much of an issue. I would lie to myself that I had moved on from a certain person or obstacle then a new major crisis would show up. It’s a bad habit that led me to a host of ways that I’ve taught myself to deal with crisis. I have resorted to anger, guilt or fallen into depression.

As I take a new look at prayer’s power to change me and my life has clear that a forgotten prayer can be as detrimental to my spiritual well being as not praying at all. The answers to my forgotten prayers stress my consciousness’s attempt at spiritual and mental wellness. Often it appears that many things going wrong at once.

In the past I would literally began to believe that some supernatural force was punishing me. I know understand that when I pray a series of prayers, certain events are put into motion. Each of these events is supported by God’s love. Instead of falling back into my same toxic patterns of dealing with upsets and/or disappointments, I have learned to accept that changes MUST take place in order for my prayers to be answered. I’m not always going to like the changes, but I must recognize that upheavals and breakdowns in life are not punishment or retribution by the God. It’s not universal karma negatively coming back on me, or even a curse.

It’s simply balance, and balance is always peaceful. God and the universe only want peace; whether I understand it in the moment or not. What pleases God will always benefit me. The more willing I am to understand this spiritual design the less leverage I give to my ego.

Answered Prayers

My answered prayers almost never look like my limited vision of God Almighty’s will. The truth is my prayers are being answered every nano-second of every day that I acknowledge God’s presence. An answered prayer will, on occasion, arrive disguised as a mishap; meaning anything from a stumped toe to something as large as terminal illness.

I’m learning to have faith knowing that somehow I prayed that shake up into my life. The momentary strife or life changing predicament also has the potential to be a correction or an opportunity for me to learn and to grow. Contention has enabled me to clean up the messes that I’ve made in my life. I can’t clean up my mess without getting to know my mess. I have to experience it in order to clean it up. It’s to be expected that I will have to revisit all of the mess that I made. I can’t accept the sweetness of life without accepting the sour.

Don’t Help Crisis

Calamity isn’t such a bad thing. In the moment of crisis my obstacles seem very heavy and immobile and at those times I remain mindful of the decisions I make. When I fall back into making habitual and unhealthy choices the chaotic outcome will frequently lead me to the correction I need. I am still not completely healed of this behavior. I am still prone to engage in some form of this coping method.

I’ll go visit my ex-girlfriend after a hard and frustrating day with work. Out of aggravation with potential clients, I would pick her apart or pick an argument with her. I would actually think I felt better afterwards. In reality all I did was give myself more work and more stuff to clean up. Now on top of all the work involving finding new clients, I have to mend a broken relationship with my ex-girlfriend.

I forgot my prayer requests. I had forgotten that I previously prayed for something that went contrary to acquiring those new clients. As a result I didn’t understand the evolution of crisis. The universe was supporting me. My failure to make new deals was an opportunity. I could have released my irritation by taking a long hot bath or by taking a long run; things that prepare me for correction.

While in that bath I could have come up with ideas conducive to deepening the bond between my girlfriend and I, or while on that run I could have realized that the prayer to run further has come to fruition because I’m running further than I ever had before. I must remember that unfortunate events will occur from time to time to bring my prayers to fruition.

Praying In The Best Way That We Know How At That Time

I remember being eight or nine years old and being upset with my parents because they denied me something that I felt entitled to. Surely something minor like an expensive toy, an opportunity to go outside and play, or some really unhealthy food. Today it’s clear that I really didn’t need any of those things but at the time with my limited understanding it felt as if I was being denied the right to exist.

My parents were always church going people so even at this age I understood what prayer was supposed to do, so in retaliation against my parents, and with my parochial depth of understanding I would pray for some heinous event to be visited upon them. Thank God for his mercies, and that he protects babies and fools, that none of those prayers were ever answered, but I can’t help but to think about all of the times that I have done this as an adult. It makes me cringe to think about all of the times that I prayed out of anger, or out of ego. What a dangerous thing for me to do!

Within months of my relationship horribly ending I had to sell my home because I lost my job, and then my grandmother passed away after a long battle with cancer. In the span of less than a year three major fixtures in my life were gone.

This cocktail of events had me at the lowest place I had ever been in life. The hurt and the pain were vivid. I felt slighted and disgusted. I was hurt. I felt stupid, betrayed, lost, confused, scared, angry, unimportant, and unattractive. To get a reprieve from the catastrophe much like I did as a child, I fell to my knees and in retaliation I prayed the most heinous prayer that I could muster; and that was for retribution.

My Lessons

Today, I know that whenever I allow my ego to take hold, prayer will bring me back – – to my senses. I have made it a practice with a tremendous amount of help to take the time to pray everyday and to honor my prayers by remembering them. I am learning to be more patient with myself and with others especially when I am in a crisis and working to remain open to all opportunities for correction and for growth. I commit to these truths understanding that God will support me as I willfully travel his road. Don’t just enjoy the day let the day enjoy you.

———————————————————————————————————————————-About Iyanla Vanzant:

Iyanla Vanzant is the best-selling author of five books on self-empowerment, personal growth and spiritual healing, with the most recent book being Peace from Broken Pieces. As the founder and executive director of the Inner Visions Spiritual Life Maintenance Network, she conducts workshops, seminars and lectures nationally. Drawing from her own experiences of family dysfunction, abuse, and poverty, Iyanla encourages us all to look at ourselves, laugh at ourselves and then take the necessary steps to heal ourselves. Her practical message is based on the principles of universal law, self-determination and the power of Spirit. You can learn more about her work at www.innervisionsworldwide.com.

Most people have a place in their mind, heart and life that they would rather not have exposed to public view. As humans, it is normal to have habits, needs, desires and behaviors that you keep to yourself or share only with those closest to you. These are the sacred, sometimes secret things, not necessarily bad things, but things the average human considers private and personal.

However, when you are considered by the public to be a public person, these things become fuel for public judgment and criticism. They become things that those who do not know you can use to ridicule and condemn you. They may be things that the average person would do every day. But when a public person engages in the same behavior, the sacred, secret and normal morphs into scandal.

When you are considered a public person, human weakness means you can be discredited, even when the weakness has nothing to do with what made you public. As a public person your personal challenges can be reported and discussed publicly as malicious intentions. Your choices and decisions are used to validate public opinion of your worth and worthiness. Your mistakes and missteps are elevated to offenses that fuel the public’s outcry for punishment, which is often debated long after it is necessary or productive.

When you are a public person, your every intention is suspect; your every move is criticized, your very personage is subject to attack and debasement and, in the midst of it all, you are expected to feel good about yourself and the people who made and keep you public. These scenarios have been exasperated and exaggerated with the expansion of social media and reality television.

When you are a public person, whether by choice or circumstance, there is a pedestal that is thrust beneath your feet. As a public person, it is considered your responsibility to stay on that pedestal and meet the demands, requirements and expectations of pedestal living. After all, you are a public person! A celebrity! You know that people are looking at you, following you, hanging onto your every word and wishing secretly to be you and have some of what they think you have, even if you don’t have it or deserve it.

When you are unaware or unconcerned of what the demands are, how to meet the requirements or who has created the expectations, you can expect a hard and fast fall. Staying on the pedestal is a matter of making everyone happy, following the trends of public opinions and meeting the expectations of others.

These are the same issues that give rise to personal psychological and emotional issues for the average person. However, as a public person, you cannot be average or normal. Your humanness is elevated to a level of perfectionism and divinity that even Christ’s disciples would have difficulty meeting.

In the midst of it all, you are still growing and healing and evolving within yourself as you endeavor to become better at who you are and what you do.

As a public person your personal healing process becomes the basis for public judgment. Issues from childhood, relationship choices and financial decisions garner headlines and magazine covers. Whether you attempt to explain what you are learning or explain away what you have done, the public gets to weigh in on what you could have, should have, must have done and what you need to do next.

Your personal growth process can make the people uncomfortable and suspicious even when it is a reflection of their own. Your personal process of evolution will be scrutinized and criticized particularly if your motives are not clear or considered agreeable by those who have made and keep you public. Those who have done exactly what you did when no one was looking.

When you are a public person you better have friends who won’t betray you, a mental health professional who cannot be bought and a spiritual foundation that supports you in seeing beyond the ways of the world and expectations of others.

In other words, you will need to be able to get chewed up, spit out and emerge whole – – wearing the right thing, in the right size. That’s where God comes in. God is the Source that puts the Teflon on a public person’s soul. God supports a public person to grow within; beyond and above judgment, attack, criticism and speculation into the realms of a finely and divinely tuned “character.”

When you are a public person you must have something higher than the public pedestal and stronger than public opinion to stand on. Just ask Charlie Sheen who did not have that and Robert Downey, Jr. who does. When a public person has a solid spiritual base and understanding, what they do and how they do it is perceived as a lesson, warning, a cautionary tale that strengthens the individual, regardless of public opinion or agreement.

Former president Bill Clinton probably knows this better than anyone else. A public person with a personal relationship with the God of their understanding knows how to process public opinion and attack from a deeper and higher perspective. They look for their own lessons. They know how to apply what they are learning and are able to rebound from public disgrace. They use what they have learned to help themselves and others. They move through public judgment, criticism and attack to the next level of their personal growth and development with elegance and grace, knowing that some of the public will remain skeptical and critical.

When you are a public person who gets the lesson for yourself, within yourself, criticism motivates you to be better and learn faster. I sense that Michael Clarke Duncan’s fiance, Omarosa, might agree with me on that point.

Most important of all, when you are a public person there comes a moment when you must decide if what you do in public is your purpose and passion, your calling, your ministry, a way to use your life for a higher purpose and to serve the public in some way. Or, if what you do publicly is an ego-driven attempt to be recognized, noticed and propped up for public accolades.

In either case, what you do publicly will be corrected secretly by the Creator of your life. Your willingness to heal and grow and evolve as an individual will determine how you respond to the public regardless of how the public responds to you.
———————————————————————————————————————————-About Iyanla Vanzant:

Iyanla Vanzant is the best-selling author of five books on self-empowerment, personal growth and spiritual healing, with the most recent book being Peace from Broken Pieces. As the founder and executive director of the Inner Visions Spiritual Life Maintenance Network, she conducts workshops, seminars and lectures nationally. Drawing from her own experiences of family dysfunction, abuse, and poverty, Iyanla encourages us all to look at ourselves, laugh at ourselves and then take the necessary steps to heal ourselves. Her practical message is based on the principles of universal law, self-determination and the power of Spirit. You can learn more about her work at www.innervisionsworldwide.com.

Life is all about love. Love is the only true meaning of life. Being alive means that we are occupants in love’s house and are accountable to love’s rules. Neither life nor love requires us to give up our dignity, self-worth, career objectives, favorite television program, or our good common sense.

For some reason, we don’t always understand this. We believe in the necessity of giving up one thing in order to get something else. We especially believe this about love. We do not understand that the highest expression of love is the experience and realization of more—more of who you are, what you do, what you believe, and what you have. Love has the ability to bring all of you together under one roof, at one time, as one experience. Love is the experience of oneness, a union of the mind and heart.

Unfortunately, we believe we can establish this union with others only if we give up something. We attempt to create this union with others before first creating it within ourselves. This is absolutely impossible. You cannot get love from the outside until you are love on the inside. In the meantime, we do many things in the name of love, for the sake of love.

We live in the meantime while we are learning about love. We flounder around, involving ourselves in strange alliances, making up rules as we go along, in the name of what we think love is, or should be. We watch and listen to others, believing they know all there is to know about love and relationships.

The truth is that they, like the rest of us, are learning by trial and error. At best, we pick and choose who to love and how we will love them. At worst, we discover that it is virtually impossible to do enough, fast enough, for enough people, in enough situations to receive from them the love, admiration, or acceptance we seem to need. In the meantime, while we are learning the truth about love, we can make a pretty big mess of most things. Nowhere do we make a bigger mess than in our so-called loving relationships.

They were at it again! He and she both knew that they needed to make a swift but loving departure from the relationships they were in. Neither of them had the courage, strength, or presence of mind to do so.

He didn’t leave because his attachment had been so good to him. In the three-plus years they had been together, they had really been through a lot—a lot of hysteria about whether or not they should stay together! In the end, they stayed together because they had nowhere else to go.

She stayed with her attachment to avoid facing the fear of spending time alone. She had been there and done that so many times before. It was not a very pleasant possibility to look forward to, and she surely did not want to subject herself to it voluntarily. In the meantime, she kept hoping against hope that somehow, some way, her attachment would miraculously disappear or become the love man of her dreams, meaning that she would live happily ever after. That’s how she convinced herself, time and time again, to stay. In the meantime, she kept looking elsewhere for something else, although she was not quite sure what it was she was looking for.

Love is the only thing we need. Love is our peace. Love is our joy, health, and wealth. Love is our identity. We go into a relationship looking for love, not realizing that we must bring love with us. We must bring a strong sense of self and purpose into a relationship. We must bring a sense of value, of who we are. We must bring an excitement about ourselves, our lives, and the vision we have for these two essential elements. We must bring a respect for wealth and abundance. Having achieved it to some satisfactory degree on our own, we must move into relationships willing to share what we have, rather than being afraid of someone taking it. Joyful sharing and excitement. Value, purpose, and vision. That’s what love is about. When we bring these things to the relationship, love becomes a great multiplier and enhances the experience of life. When we do not have these things in place, the search to find love sets up the experiences we need to discover what is true about love and what is not. The discovery process is called the meantime.

———————————————————————————————————————————-About Iyanla Vanzant:

Iyanla Vanzant is the best-selling author of five books on self-empowerment, personal growth and spiritual healing. As the founder and executive director of the Inner Visions Spiritual Life Maintenance Network, she conducts workshops, seminars and lectures nationally. Drawing from her own experiences of family dysfunction, abuse, and poverty, Iyanla encourages us all to look at ourselves, laugh at ourselves and then take the necessary steps to heal ourselves. Her practical message is based on the principles of universal law, self-determination and the power of Spirit. You can learn more about her work at www.innervisionsworldwide.com.

Almost “there,” wherever “there” is for you, is a dangerous place to be. Almost there means that you are almost out of resources; almost out of energy; almost out of faith, hope and the belief that you will make it to wherever you are heading.

Almost there means you have used everything you know, every trick in the book and, you are still not quite sure you will get what you expect or desire.

Almost there means most, if not all of the people who started with you have fallen to the wayside. Those who are still with you are just as weary, tired, frustrated and doubtful as you are in any given moment. They are of very little help to you and you can be of even less help to them.

In fact, you are really getting on each other’s nerves because you are almost there. Almost there is where everything you know is tested; where everything you believe is stretched to the limit. This is where faith is required; trust is demanded and perseverance is the only option.

Almost there is where the nights are sleepless; the days are taxing and every moment brings the possibility of failure or a request for something more that you simply do not have to give. If you are now or have ever been almost there, you know that tears help you, prayers hold you and your tenacious refusal to give up is the only thing that keeps you going.

You also know that when you are almost there it is a hard and dangerous place to be.

When you have just started out, moving toward your dream, a vision or the next big step in your life, you can change your mind at any moment. If you survey the landscape only to find that there is too much at risk, too many obstacles to overcome, too much required of you, it is easy to back-peddle smoothly without anyone really noticing.

You can tell yourself that it is not the right time or, that you are not prepared or, that you should wait for this or that, him or her or them to line up before you begin the journey. This is what is known as the “I tried” syndrome. No one can fault you for trying, right?

However, when you are almost there you cannot get away with such flimsy excuses and rationales. You have invested too much time, energy and resources of your own and from others. You have told too many people, some who support you, others who are just watching and waiting to see. You cannot let them see you falter, fall or fail. Your image and ego are at stake. You simply will not allow yourself to fail . . . publicly.

If you find yourself halfway there, it means that you have gained as much as you can lose by pulling out now. It’s always wise to cut your losses, right? Halfway there means you gave it your best and for whatever reason the deck was stacked against you. People who were there can give a glowing testimony about your efforts and, even though you are right back where you started, you are no worse for the wear and tear. No heat. No judgment.

Yet if you are almost there then you have given too much, given up too much, sacrificed too much and suffered too much to cut and run. You must, even though you don’t know how you will make it, see this thing all the way to the end. Where is the end? Who knows! Your goal is to get there, in one piece, even if your mouth is dry and parched, your knees are skinned and your ego is bruised.

Almost there means if you must do it alone, you will. If you show up broke, broken and hungry, you will show up.

Almost there means you have taken the words of Eminem personally. It means . . . you’ve only got one shot! You WILL NOT miss your chance to blow . . . the naysayers out of the water. This is why it is so dangerous.

When you are almost there the deceptive intelligence of the ego is whispering, no, screaming in your ear – STOP! STOP NOW! THIS IS NOT GOING TO WORK! YOU WILL NOT MAKE IT!

The good news is that being almost there means you have mastered the art of ignoring that inner voice of discouragement.

The bad news is that once you master the inner critic, the people around start saying the same thing. In fact, they want to know if you are crazy? Maybe you are. Maybe you are not. Could be. No one knows for sure.

The truth is that when you are almost there, everything dark and ugly and desperate finds its way to your address, props its feet up on your kitchen table and dares you to ignore, dismiss or deny it. Herein lies the danger of being almost there.

In this most sacred time of fulfilling your destiny, growing in your power and realizing your dreams, that which is closest to you, can and more often than not, will turn on you. It will seem like those things and people that matter most to you go crazy, become dysfunctional and demand from you what you have not to give just because you are almost there.
Can’t they see? Don’t they know? You are almost there and if they would just hang in with you a little while longer, the victory will be so sweet. NEWS FLASH! They cannot see! They do not know! It is none of their business! It is your life, your business.

It would serve you best to refuse to be distracted by the programs, conditions, beliefs, contract, covenants, agreements, historical patterns and limiting perceptions of reality!

Almost there means nothing and no one can be given permission to distract you. Almost there means you are being called higher, higher to single focused, bold, courageous commitment to that thing that is calling you from your heart.

Almost there means that you hold a commitment within yourself, for yourself, that there is where you will be no matter what it costs.

Trust me when I say, almost there is a dangerous place to be and, it is the place you must go if you are to fulfill your destiny. If you don’t believe me, just ask anyone who has been there and done it. There are many of us.

———————————————————————————————————————————-About Iyanla Vanzant:

Iyanla Vanzant is the best-selling author of five books on self-empowerment, personal growth and spiritual healing. As the founder and executive director of the Inner Visions Spiritual Life Maintenance Network, she conducts workshops, seminars and lectures nationally. Drawing from her own experiences of family dysfunction, abuse, and poverty, Iyanla encourages us all to look at ourselves, laugh at ourselves and then take the necessary steps to heal ourselves. Her practical message is based on the principles of universal law, self-determination and the power of Spirit. You can learn more about her work at www.innervisionsworldwide.com.

My friend Joia told me a story about a woman and some birds that gave me great insights on peacefulness. She heard the story from her guru, Swami Chidvilasananda (widely known as Gurumayi), a teacher of the Siddha Yoga tradition.

One day a woman went to the park to meditate. She found a quiet, sunny place, spread her blanket, and sat down. She closed her eyes, breathed deeply, and was prepared to begin an inward exploration of her thoughts and feelings. As her breathing became regulated and her mind still, she became aware of some birds chirping near her. At first it was a melodic and peaceful addition to her inward journey. Within moments, however, the birds began to squawk, almost scream at each other. As the woman tried to stay focused on her breathing, the birds seemed to squawk louder and louder.

The woman’s eyes flew open. There were at least twenty birds sitting around her, screeching at each other. She looked around, and the rest of the park was empty. Halfheartedly, with a flinging gesture of her hands, the woman shooed the birds away. Some left. Some remained. Those who remained became very quiet, until she closed her eyes.

It seemed as if the second she closed her eyes, the birds started screeching again. Quite annoyed, the woman got up and moved. The birds flew away. Upon finding another prime spot of grass, the woman sat down to begin the process all over again. As soon as she did, the birds came back.

“This is ridiculous!” the woman said to the birds. “Shoo! Shoo! Go on! Get out of here!” The birds flew a little higher, but in a seeming act of defiance, they continued to squawk. Totally pissed off with the birds for disturbing her peace, the woman stood up and began to chase the birds. She would run to the left, and fling her blanket at them. The birds would fly away, but they wouldn’t shut up. As soon as she cleared those on the left, a new crew arrived to her right. Changing directions, she would shoo them away. They would circle her, squawking, and swoop down a few feet away.

Within moments, the woman was flinging her arms around like a lunatic, screaming at the birds who were squawking back at her. Realizing how crazy she must have looked, she snatched her blanket from the ground and stormed out of the park.

Later that evening the woman had an opportunity to relate her experience in the park to her guru, her teacher. Her exasperation returned even in the midst of telling the story. The guru smiled and asked, “Why did you not welcome them to join you?” “How was I supposed to do that?” she asked. “Om Nama Shiva,” the Guru responded, “which means, ‘I surrender to Shiva (meaning the God) within me.’”

A few days later the woman went back to the park. She went through the entire process again. The moment she became still, the birds began to sing. As soon as she heard them, she mentally affirmed, “Om Nama Shiva.” The birds began to squawk. “Om Nama Shiva.” It began to sound as if every bird in the state had converged on the very spot where she was sitting.

She never opened her eyes. She continued to breathe deeply, affirming louder and louder in her mind, “Om Nama Shiva. Om Nama Shiva! OM NAMA SHIVA!” She thought the words faster and louder. So fast and loud in fact that she became so mentally exhilarated that she stopped. It was then that she noticed the silence. Either the birds had flown away or simply shut up. She did not open her eyes to determine which had occurred.

Why is it that we will walk into a room of screaming children and yell at the top of our lungs, “BE QUIET!”? If you want peace, be peace. My grandson Oluwa, age five, is afflicted with a common childhood ailment. He cannot speak below 100 decibels. He yells as if he secretly believes that everyone in the room is hard of hearing.

One day someone in the family (due to threats of being sued for slander, I cannot reveal who) became so frustrated with him that they yelled, “Will you please be quiet!” Other people present in the room chimed in by screaming, “Thank you!” His silence lasted for about three minutes. His next comment was made at the usual ear-piercing level.

If you want peace, be peaceful. Because I am the wise old granny, I have learned to take a completely different approach. When Oluwa screams at me, I crouch down to his level, put my nose directly up against his nose, smile, and whisper, “I can’t hear you. You are talking too loud.” He didn’t get it at first, but I would stay there, staring at him eyeball to eyeball, until he lowered his voice. Now when Oluwa approaches me, he usually whispers so softly I must ask him to repeat himself. He and everyone else in the family still seem to have a problem hearing one another. I watch them, and I smile.

If you want to experience peacefulness, you must begin from a posture of peace. One word of caution: Be prepared to stay in that posture for as long as it takes.

———————————————————————————————————————————-About Iyanla Vanzant:

Iyanla Vanzant is the best-selling author of five books on self-empowerment, personal growth and spiritual healing. As the founder and executive director of the Inner Visions Spiritual Life Maintenance Network, she conducts workshops, seminars and lectures nationally. Drawing from her own experiences of family dysfunction, abuse, and poverty, Iyanla encourages us all to look at ourselves, laugh at ourselves and then take the necessary steps to heal ourselves. Her practical message is based on the principles of universal law, self-determination and the power of Spirit. You can learn more about her work at www.innervisionsworldwide.com.

I almost never watch the news. It is simply to . . . negative. And, while I know these things are going on in the world, I also know that I will know what I need to know. Being bombarded with horror stories of how we live and the things we do to one another is not my drug of choice. This was not the case with the Olympics. I was compelled to check in each night in order to track the progress of certain individuals and the US teams. I was delighted to hear the news about Gabby, the first African American female to win a gold medal for gymnastics. Then . . . I read the blogs on the Internet about her hair.

I must confess about the time in my life when there was very little about myself that I liked or found worthy. I was critical of my physical body, my accomplishments and almost everything else about my existence. During that experience of myself everything that I thought was wrong with me, I saw as wrong with everyone around me. It was the motivation for my criticism of my children, my partner and every aspect of in my life.

I hated myself and found a reason to hate something about everyone and everything. It is called projection. It was a function of my judgments about myself.

After many years of deep personal and spiritual work, I came to the awareness that I had been taught by my care-givers, society and myself to see myself as less-than, un-worthy, ugly or just plain-old bad. I had been taught to hate myself. It was the way my mind had been “conditioned” to see the world around me and myself. It manifested as an expectation of the worst and a habit of being critical.

It was a difficult process to unlearn what I had been conditioned to believe was true and teach myself to choose to see things in a better light. As long as I hated myself I could not see the loving essence of anyone or anything. I could not accept or receive the good around me. Once I chose to be okay with my body and my face and my size and my voice and my mistakes and my needs and my desires, things and people started to look different.

As a woman of color this was no easy feat! I grew up in a time when it was not fashionable to be of a darker hue, to have Negroid features, to have short or kinky hair or to be intelligent. There was no Essence magazine with images of beautiful Black women. There was no Oprah Winfrey Show hosted by a “substantial” woman of power and means. There was no Botox allowing people to plump their lips or implants to fatten their booties.

I grew up in a time when everything about me was less than and, unattractive. My mind was conditioned to believe that the messages with which I was bombarded were real. I had to learn to choose another truth.

As I read the stories and commentary about Gabby’s hair I was overcome with sadness. I felt the familiar pangs of criticism and the devastation it visited upon my life and self-image. I wondered if those who saw Gabby’s hair as more important than her accomplishments had been “conditioned” to hate themselves, projecting it outward or, if they were “choosing” to be critical? I wondered if they knew the difference? I wondered if the people who saw Gabby’s hair as an issue knew or understood the power of communal prayer, communal affirmation and communal celebration? Or, if they, like, me had been conditioned to see what was “wrong” instead of what was possible and good?

When I first heard of Gabby’s win, my heart swelled with pride, not just because she was African American or female. I was proud because I realized that her great, great, great grandmother had survived impossible circumstances on a ship, on a sale block, on a plantation and in a field to provide Gabby with the opportunity to stand before the world as a winner. Gabby’s win made her grandmother’s and my grandmother’s life, suffering and endurance meaningful.

You see I believe we are standing on the shoulders of those who came before us; those who gave their lives so that our lives would be better. Faith and love and prayer strengthened their lives. No one really cared about the condition of their hair. Why would we choose to make it an issue?

———————————————————————————————————————————-About Iyanla Vanzant:

Iyanla Vanzant is the best-selling author of five books on self-empowerment, personal growth and spiritual healing. As the founder and executive director of the Inner Visions Spiritual Life Maintenance Network, she conducts workshops, seminars and lectures nationally. Drawing from her own experiences of family dysfunction, abuse, and poverty, Iyanla encourages us all to look at ourselves, laugh at ourselves and then take the necessary steps to heal ourselves. Her practical message is based on the principles of universal law, self-determination and the power of Spirit. You can learn more about her work at www.innervisionsworldwide.com.

The voice on the other end of the telephone jaunted between waves of fear and hysterical screaming. This was a mother who was afraid and sad. She was also angry. It all came through her voice. She wanted to know what she had done, and how her boy had gotten himself into this situation in the first place. What had she done wrong? Why were they so bad? Why hadn’t they listened to her? Who should she talk to now? She had to go to work. She had no money. As I listened, I could hear the pain, fear, anger and frustration. I also heard the guilt, shame, frustration and pain. When she finally broke into sobbing, I said, “Mother, parenting is a ministry, and sometimes the minister loses members of the flock.”

The line went silent except for an occasional sniffle that followed the blowing of her nose. I continued, “The minister’s job is to do the best he or she can, knowing that the Divine Father and Mother have a plan that we don’t always understand for the children. We can preach the word and teach the word. It is always up to the child to take the word to heart. Some do and some do not. But in the end, all children will end up at home, because when the power of the earthly parent runs out, the power of the Heavenly parents take over.”

She had heard me, not only with her ears but also with her heart. Her next question became the foundation of this article. This heartbroken mother asked me, “How was I supposed to minister to them when nobody ever ministered to me?”

I am probably not alone when I say that I did not know how to be a parent. I knew how to have children, but I had no clue about how to raise them. I knew what needed to be provided, how to get it, and how to provide it. I learned, however, that a good provider is not necessarily the same thing as a good parent.

My parents, when they were available, fed me, clothed me, disciplined me, offered me the best of who they were and what they had. Unfortunately, it was not enough. They did not teach about the process of discovering myself. They did not teach me now to expect more from myself and for myself. They did not teach me how to love myself, honor myself or lift myself from the despair into which I was born.

They taught me right from wrong, good from bad, as it related to the obvious things. They taught me who and what to fear, but not how to dismantle fear. They did not teach me how to explore my feelings, examine my motives, state my intentions or clarify my expectations. They gave me words to live by, but those words did not fill me in a way that would sustain my life.

The things that they did not give me, could not give me, were in direct correlation to the things that they had received. My parents were ordinary people, who did the best they could with what they knew and what they had. My parents were not ministers because their parents had not ministered to them.

The distraught mother had four sons. She had raised them alone, in the midst of a few temporary relationships. Her oldest son, age 24 was in prison for nine years. His brother, the next in line, age 22, who had been in and out of prison since the age of 16, had just been arrested again. This time for attempted murder. Her youngest sons were twins, age 19. One was in the third drug rehabilitation center, threatening to leave. His brother had just announced that he had quit his job and his GED classes.

She had been a good provider. She had taken them to church. She had taught them right from wrong, good from bad. She left their father because he beat her. She had always worked, always set a good example for the boys. “Why?” she wanted to know, had they gone astray? And, what, could she possibly do about it now?

Not all children from a “disadvantaged home” go bad. By the same token, all children of so-called “good homes” do not walk the straight and narrow. In Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood, author Wayne Muller says, “For many of us, childhood was not only dramatic, it was also very complicated.”

Very often, parents commit simple acts or utter simple phrases with such a dramatic flare it is hard for children to discern the real meaning. When the meaning of acts and words are lost, the child can also get lost in the process. A parent’s anger, frustration and fears will color the texture of everything they say and do. Children mistakenly believe that the parent’s upset has something to do with them. Life is complicated enough, but when you add to the normal complications of life, the drama of hidden meanings, lack of time and conditional affection, children are left to their own devices trying to figure out the maze in which they are living and their role in it.

In the end, believing life is a maze of meaningless drama, secrets, and difficulties, children lose their hope, their vision, and often, themselves. A lost soul usually seeks guidance, counseling and direction from a spiritual source. Because few children think of their parents as their spiritual source, they mistakenly believe that what they need, their parents cannot give. More dramatically, they believe that the parent is the reason they got lost in the first place.

Parents are ministers. This is not a revolutionary idea once we understand a minister’s role. A minister is one who listens and counsels; guides and supports in the development of the spiritual nature of those in his/her care. A minister aids the needy by providing sustenance and basic needs. A minister administers rites of a spiritual nature (e.g., christening or naming of children, marriage rites, burial rites, etc.). A minister acts as an agent, representative and instrument of teaching for those in his/her spiritual family. A minister is a diplomatic representative, lending aid and support in matters of a delicate or personal nature. Finally, a minister is a servant. S/he serves for the good of those in his/her care selflessly. In my mind, all of this fits a pretty good description of a parent. The mission then, is to bring these activities and goals to our conscious awareness when we are dealing with our children regardless of their age. The goal of each of these activities is salvation, meaning preserving for the highest good the mind, body and spirit, which is the concern of most ministers and all parents.

Parents as ministers or Spiritual Parenting, as it is fashionably called now, is the order of the day. It means that we must serve our children by giving them our best and expecting the best from them and of them, knowing that our definition of best may need to be expanded or revised. While we may not want to think of ourselves as “servants” of our children, it is key that we understand that this is the energy needed in consciousness to support in the divine unfolding of our children. The reality we must consider is, as parents, we are serving God. The children are simply the recipients of the service. God had entrusted us with the care of His divine Creation – children, for they are the way God ensures the continuing process of life.

The truth is, we must not be doing such a bad job, because God continues to trust us with more and more of them.

I believe as parents there are some key elements we must begin to embrace in the process of ministering to our children. If we intend, to the best of our ability, to keep these principles in our consciousness when dealing with our children, regardless of their age, we will undoubtedly offer to them the ministering skills they will need to raise their own children.

Remember, Expectations = Results, and what you believe you will see. If we start from the consciousness of demonstrating the best, expecting the best, and believing the best, we will experience the best.

Always See The Good In Your Children – Start from the belief that your children are good and want to do good, not that you have to “make them be good.” Unfortunately, like all of us, they sometimes get their wires crossed. Avoid all judgments and criticisms of their mistakes by reminding yourself they are ordinary people, doing the best that they can. Support them in revisiting their choices, assessing their options, and examining their motives and intentions when pointing out to them a poor choice or error in judgment.

Hold Your Children In Unconditional Positive Regard – Every person is born with their own spiritual agenda. That agenda takes the form of experiences and lessons. You may not always understand your child’s agenda, but you must know that it is active and operating. What you can always do is help them find the good in themselves and their actions, regardless of any seeming negative experience. In other words, always let them know you love them and expect the best from them and for them.

Keep Your Fears To Yourself – “I don’t want them to go through what I went through,” can be coined as The Parent’s motto. Unfortunately, what we are silently saying to our children is that there was something wrong with what we went through and how we turned out as a result. In other words you are saying you don’t want your children to be like you. Unfortunately, children want to be just like their parents, because to a child, a parent is a god.

Keep Your Judgments To Yourself – Avoid the temptation to gossip with your children about other people, particularly the other parent, whether or not they are present. Remember, you lead by example. If your children know you talk down and dirty about other people, they will assume you talk down and dirty about them.

Share Your Weaknesses and Mistakes With Your Children – Don’t be a hypocrite! Children can see right through you. Let them know about the areas of your own life that are challenging and difficult. Here’s a novel idea – ask them what they would do if they were in your situation. If you do not own your stuff, they will never be able to face their own stuff.

Allow Them to Talk To You – This is the cornerstone of counseling. Avoid interrupting and questioning your children when they are speaking. Give them the opportunity to share a complete thought and their honest feelings with you. When their thoughts and feelings do not mirror your own about a particular situation, always ask for more information. In this way, you can follow their train of thought. When it feels that they are totally off the mark, support them in re-visiting their choices, assessing their options, and examining their motives and intentions.

No Name Calling – This needs no explanation. Remember, God trusted you with this life. What you say to your children, you are saying to the essence of life and God

Teach Them To Pray – A family that stays together is the family that prays together. Don’t be afraid to ask your children to pray for you and, when they are not listening, be sure to pray for them.

Learn How To Give and Receive Support – The easiest way to do this is to ask your children, not tell them, what they need. Be available to help with projects and homework, but always ask if you can help. Ask their opinion and input on what you want to do for them and with them. What you are actually doing is teaching responsibility and independence. And, don’t forget to ask for rather than demand your children’s help and support with your own projects.

Prize and Provide Positive Feedback – Let your children know about the good in them and the good they do. Point out the little things. Give them compliments and buy them gifts “just because”.

Know When To Let Go – This is by far the most difficult part of parenting. In this sense, letting go does not mean giving up on, turning your back on, or not acknowledging. It means accepting that there is nothing you can do beyond loving, supporting and praying in a way that does not sacrifice you. It means turning the children over to God and expecting the best.

The mother and I talked about all of these things. She admitted that with the exception of prayer, she had not done any of them, because she did not know how. “If I had done this, would that mean my boys would have turned out differently?”

Instinctively, I knew she was asking the question because she wanted more information that she could use to feel guilty and beat herself up with. I told her there are no guarantees in life. There is no guarantee that anything we do, whether good or not so good, will ensure that our children turn out the way “we” want them to turn out. The key is to give them something to stand on, stand with, and to fall back on.

The goal is to remember that they each have a spiritual agenda and a learning curve. We can find peace in knowing that no matter what they do, don’t do, or how they do whatever they do, in the final analysis, we all end up in our Father’s and Mother’s arms.

I now see you as God created you to be – whole, complete and perfectly capable of making the choices that will take you to your highest and greatest good.

I see the good in you and I see you attracting more good into your life.

I see your mind filled with diving light. I see your heart filled with divine love. I see your life filled with divine good that is your inheritance from God.

I now surrender all fears I have about you or for you. I now surrender all judgments and criticisms of you.

I now ask your forgiveness for anything I have done consciously or unconsciously to deny the Spirit in you.

I now affirm for you and with the Divine Spirit in your perfect peace, total well being, joy and abundance.

I direct you toward your perfect place, your divine purpose and your true identity as a child of God.

You are a divine idea in the mind of God.

You are the perfect manifestation of the energy of God.

You are the life of the love of God.

I see you in the light of God

I behold you in the image of God.

I love you, just as you are.

You are a child of God, blessed, noble and divine

This is the truth of your being. And It Cannot Be Otherwise.

Thank You God! Thank You God! Thank You God!

I surround you in love. I surround you in light.

I see you as you were meant to be a blessed child of God.

And I call forth your holiness.

A Parents’ Prayer

(by Okomfo Akua Duku)

Dear (God, Creator of your understanding).

Remind me to teach my children to call on You in times of challenges and difficulty and to thank You afterwards.

Teach me how to understand my children’s needs, to listen patiently to what they have to say, and to answer their questions with kindness and wisdom.

Help me to be as courteous, compassionate and cooperative with them, as I want them to be to me.

Heal me of all thoughts, habits and actions that lead me to shame and ridicule them when they make mistakes. May I never punish them out of spite or anger, or to show my power.

Help me to demonstrate by all that I say and do that honesty, honor and humility will produce joy.

Eliminate any meanness in me, when I am out of sorts, and help me to hold my tongue.

May I be ever mindful that my children are Your children, who are complete and perfect just as they are.

Let me not rob them of any opportunity to learn how to do things for themselves and the value of making honorable choices and decisions.

Help me to grant them all reasonable requests and give me the courage to deny them the privileges that may be harmful.

Help me to be fair, just and kind so that I will earn their love and respect.

Most of all remind me that what I can’t do for them. You can and will do.

What Every parent Wants To Give Their Children:

A sense of TRUST

Let them know you trust them and that you can be trusted.

A Sense of VALUE

Let them know that they are valuable because of who they are, not because of what they can do.

A Sense of WORTH

How you treat children is a direct reflection of how much they are worth to you.

A Sense of HONOR

Let them know they look good and they are good and their actions are important.

A Sense of SELF

Give them boundaries, and honor the boundaries they set for themselves.

LOVE

Tell them you love them in word and deed. And, don’t put a price tag or conditions on your love.

About Iyanla Vanzant:

Iyanla Vanzant, accomplished author, inspirational speaker, talk show host and living testament to the value in life’s valleys and the power of acting on faith, goes behind closed doors and deep inside people’s lives for emotional, riveting conversations in the new hit series- Iyanla: Fix My Life

Iyanla has had a unique life filled with many personal struggles, which she has overcome and used to become stronger. Now, she’s back, helping people fix their lives, using her past to help others’ futures. Secrets will be revealed, truths will be uncovered and emotions will come out as Iyanla teaches us how to pull back the curtain on what is broken in our lives.

Iyanla: Fix My Life is produced by Harpo Studios. Join the conversation on Twitter using #FixMyLife

Her Majesty lives from a foundation of self-honoring and self-respect because she knows her value and worth. She lives with authentic self-expression, dignity and nobility because she understands her station in life. Her Majesty is revered and respected, graceful, gracious, trusted and trustworthy. This is displayed in her carriage, her coverage and her character. Her position is one of trust in her own mind and, in the minds of those with whom she surrounds herself.

A kingdom without a faith-filled Majesty leads to deception, rebellion and destruction. It is anarchy! Her majesty does not seek approval from others. She knows that her throne, her position in life, is guaranteed by virtue of her birth. She trusts life and herself enough to know that her behavior and actions must always be responsible and reasonable. She accomplishes this by making it a priority to stay connected to her Source. Her purpose is to serve the King – – the universe of life and love.

The King is the Source of her good. She knows and believes it is God who Guides Our Direction. This is the king she longs to serve first and foremost with every choice and decision.

Her Majesty is well aware that there will always be challenges to her purpose and power. She also knows the prudency and power of prayer. She retreats or stands in the appropriate posture at the appropriate time because she is grounded.

The Queen has impeccable timing and she has an arsenal of tools, weapons and an army at her disposal – – – meditation, stillness, silence, faith, trust, vision and intention. Her Majesty settles disputes, first in her own heart and mind and then, among the people in her court with reason and fairness. She ensures that her needs are met so that she can serve the people in her care appropriately.

Every new experience is regarded by Her Majesty to be like a child and children are to be cared for properly. They must be nurtured, nourished and disciplined. They must be taught their purpose and they must know their place.

Her Majesty does everything in her power to ensure that the laws of the kingdom and the universe are carried out with consistency and fairness. She manages her place in the kingdom with a gentle heart and a firm hand. She understands the importance of being of sound mind because she recognizes her connection between herself and her people – – – her thoughts.

Her Majesty the Queen is the heart. She works with the kingdom of the mind to stave off enemy invasions. She works diligently with mental, emotional and spiritual allies to create and generate well being and prosperity in the kingdom. Her natural state is poised, peaceful and merciful. There are, however, those times when she is forced into seclusion, into a period of waiting, in order to regain her strength, calm and composure. She never knows when these periods will be required or necessary. Instead, she remains ready, willing and able to submit herself to whatever is required to maintain her station for the good of the King she serves.

The greatest challenge faced by the Queen is her coronation; the ceremony giving her the right to take the throne. That is your job. It is a function of the choices you make moment by moment. Coronation of your Queen, your heart, is a function and outgrowth of your intention moment by moment.

The Queen must be authorized and approved by you if she is to rule and restore peace to your kingdom. You MUST be true to and follow your heart. Her Majesty, your heart, must be granted the right to feel, to express, to heal and to grow because she has been silenced by too many for too long.

In fact, today may be the right day to restore the Queen to the throne.

The ceremony is simply: Pray. Forgive. Be grateful to all for all. Say what you need to say. Do what you know to be right for you. This is how you honor the Majesty of God’s heart within you.

———————————————————————————————————————————-About Iyanla Vanzant:

Iyanla Vanzant is the best-selling author of five books on self-empowerment, personal growth and spiritual healing. As the founder and executive director of the Inner Visions Spiritual Life Maintenance Network, she conducts workshops, seminars and lectures nationally. Drawing from her own experiences of family dysfunction, abuse, and poverty, Iyanla encourages us all to look at ourselves, laugh at ourselves and then take the necessary steps to heal ourselves. Her practical message is based on the principles of universal law, self-determination and the power of Spirit. You can learn more about her work at www.innervisionsworldwide.com.

What if the person who cut you off on the freeway was rushing to pick up a sick child or relative? What if they were not? What if that person at work who always seems to stir up trouble or is never pleased with what anyone does is so lonely, that trouble is the only way they feel involved? What if that’s not true? What if the reason you lost your job is because being there made you miserable? What if you knew you needed to leave but just didn’t have the courage to do so? What if losing that job means you and your family are now in financial jeopardy? What if none of that is true? What if your last relationship, despite what you might think, was dragging you down? What if the nasty painful break-up was actually an opportunity to develop more faith? More trust? Or, what if it really was an unfair betrayal of your loyalty?

I have discovered that the “what-ifs” we ask can be a double-edge sword depending upon the intention behind the inquiry and the quality of the individual consciousness. There are some of our “what-ifs” can lead us to the horizon of new possibilities and a deeper understanding of who we are and how we move in the world.

By asking that simple question, “what if”, our hearts and minds can be opened to a broader outlook and greater opportunities. When we use our “what-ifs” in this most positive vein, they can lead us to the recognition of things we thought about but dared not ask. Or, things we knew but were afraid to face.

Then there are the negative “what-ifs”: What if things never get any better for me? What if this event or experience leads to my destruction? What if this is wrong? Bad? What if I never recover from this? These are the questions that limit our ability to see beyond the moment and leave us stuck in the pain or trauma of the unpleasant. It also means that we have not quite grasped the power and potential of “what if” as a function of our ability to create our reality in the most beneficial way.

What if we took full advantage of every opportunity to use all of our “what-ifs” as tools of reality creation? What if, the way we currently use our “what-ifs” is a secret tool of the deceptive intelligence to take us further away from the light into a place of darkness and despair? What if by entertaining our “what-ifs” we are unknowingly and arrogantly challenging the wisdom of the universe and creating a stream of energy that makes a lasting, limited impression on consciousness? What if every “what if” is simply another opportunity to gain deeper insight, more clarity and greater faith about the presence of good?

I have learned that asking “what if” in the face of what is may not be the most self-loving course of thought or action. I have personally experienced the sting, stench and pinch of every “what if” I have entertained. I have also learned that for every “what if” I have asked, every one that I could ask, another pops up from the recesses of my mind. Asking “what if” can be a vicious cycle that always leads back to what is.

This, I have discovered is the only thing that really matters. When used with the highest and most appropriate intention, every “what if” can become a divine opportunity for us to be more, express more and experience more of what God is. Just consider the one “what if” we already know the answer to, “What if God stopped loving us?” The mere thought has rendered me healed from the need to ask a negative “what if” about anything!

———————————————————————————————————————————-About Iyanla Vanzant:

Iyanla Vanzant is the best-selling author of five books on self-empowerment, personal growth and spiritual healing. As the founder and executive director of the Inner Visions Spiritual Life Maintenance Network, she conducts workshops, seminars and lectures nationally. Drawing from her own experiences of family dysfunction, abuse, and poverty, Iyanla encourages us all to look at ourselves, laugh at ourselves and then take the necessary steps to heal ourselves. Her practical message is based on the principles of universal law, self-determination and the power of Spirit. You can learn more about her work at www.innervisionsworldwide.com.

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My VividLife, Episode 1: Equine Therapy with Jennifer Schramm

Shayne Traviss

Sometime's growth involves digging up the dirt and planting anew...
After over 20 years of marketing, promoting and producing others I've decided to open a new chapter in my life.
If you long to go higher, live a life 'all in' join me as I dive in deep sharing my life experiences, travels and inspirations for living a VividLife.

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About VividLife.me

Founded by Shayne Traviss formerly VividLife.me was an online resource for personal growth through over 10,000 blogs, audio conversations and videos, from thought leaders, best-selling authors and wellness experts from around the globe. VividLife.me provided engaging conversations on consciousness and human potential with Arianna Huffington, Jane Fonda and Alanis Morrissette, wisdom packed blogs from spiritual Icons Iyanla Vanzant and Ram Dass, Green Tips from David Suzuki’s Queen of Green, Advice from Award Winning Parenting and Relationships Experts, Recipes from Vegetarian, Vegan, Raw Chef’s and more… and reached and inspired over 3 million people around the globe.
However sometime's growth involves digging up the dirt and planting anew...
And after over 20 years of marketing, promoting and producing others Shayne Traviss decided to open a new chapter in his life.
If you long to go higher, live a life 'all in' join him as he dives in deep sharing his life experiences, travels and inspirations for living a VividLife.