Loving scorn and compassionate sarcasm from the creator of Belacqua Jones.

Monday, July 6, 2009

The Theology of Gravity

There is no “law of gravity; there is only a Theology of Gravity as those of us who are followers of the true Creator of the Universe, the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), know.

This “law of gravity” nonsense is a Vatican plot designed to undercut the one true faith, Pastafarianism. Evolution and Intelligent Design serve the same purpose. Christianity sweats as Pastafarianism swells in the heat of its slightly salted cooking water.

The truth is that the universe was created by FSM’s Noodly Appendages. "Gravity" is nothing more than these same Appendages that keep us from flying into orbit by maintaining a gentle pressure on the tops of our heads.

Tragically, this explains why we’re seeing more and more madness in the world.

After he created man out of two tomatoes and a tablespoon of basil, the FSM has no trouble keeping everyone in place with his Noodly Appendages, with plenty to spare for future generations.

Unfortunately, the population explosion that began in the nineteenth century outstripped his Appendages. He simply didn’t have enough to keep everyone in place 24/7.

He has solved this problem by flipping his Appendages from head to head. He’s so fast that his Appendage only vacates a given head for a nanosecond, which is why the Earth isn't circled by a belt of orbiting human beings.

However, that nanosecond is just enough time to allow the brain to slam against the top of the cranium. Repeated collisions between brain and cranium mean that everybody on earth is crazy.

Except for the elect.

Like all organized religions, Pastafarianism has its elite, those of us who are Knights in the Order of Al Dente. This is an honor reserved for pirates who are the only ones to whom the FSM speaks. While I never sailed under the Jolly Roger, I did work in insurance, which is close enough.

Many people believe that the device I wear in my left ear is a hearing aid. They are wrong; it is a radio receiver that keeps me in contact with the Martians. You see, just before his Appendage leaves a head, it gives an orgasmic throb. The Martians have the angle to see this throb, so as soon as our receivers beep, we Al Dentians cry “Arghhh!” and slap the tops of our heads as hard as we can. The force of the blow keeps the brain in place until the Appendage can return.

Now, one would think that everyone who worked on Wall Street and the Beltway would be Knights of the Order of Al Dente. But, it’s not enough to be a pirate; one has to be a believer, as well. Wall Street believes in Mammon and the Beltway believes in the God of Eternal Strife and Slaughter. This really pisses FSM off, so their collective brains spend a lot more time smashing into their collective craniums, which goes a long way towards explaining the state of the world and the economy.

There is hope! If you ever see an elderly gentleman with a “hearing aid” in his ear slapping his head and crying “Arghhh!” do the same. If you’re quick enough, it might keep you relatively sane.

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About Me

Case Wagenvoord's articles have been posted at "The Smirking Chimp", "Countercurrents" and "Dissident Voice". When he's not writing or brooding, he is carving hardwood bowls that have been displayed in galleries and shows across the country. He lives in New Jersey with his wife and two cats.
His book, "Open Letters to George W. Bush" is available at Amazon.com.