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Being human, it is very difficult for me to accurately describe my true feelings about human beings… to other human beings… without having some serious reservations. But I’ll do my best, secure in the knowledge that in all likelihood nobody will really care, and it will all be dismissed as nonsense.

I want to start by talking about the big bang theory. Not the TV show I’ve never watched a second of, but the theory that I’ve never read and probably wouldn’t understand the complexities of if I ever did. What I’m pretty sure I do understand is this: After billions of dollars of research and decades of work from the most impressive minds we have, it appears the best explanation science has come up with is

“A long time ago, something went BANG! And now we’re here.”

And that seems to be as far as they’ve gotten on the great human question ‘how it all began.’ Now, on the flipside, there are literally billions of folks who are furious with this explanation. They angrily shout and point at really old books and they instead say

“Listen here you scientific assholes! My book says that some dude made all this stuff, AND us, and now we’re here! And nothing you say is going to make us think otherwise… and if you read a different book that says some other dude did it… we’ll kill you!”

This is pretty much the driving force behind most things that human beings have done so far.

I propose a new idea.* Or perhaps, more just a new way of looking at things.

Why are we so obsessed about how we got here? I honestly don’t think it matters one iota how the universe was created, how earth was created or how we got here. And the reason it doesn’t matter… is because WE don’t matter. We don’t! Who says we matter? Us? Seems pretty biased. Why is that a given? For both science and religion, the starting hypothesis is always that we, humanity, are important. Isn’t there a really good chance we’re not?

I’m known as a fairly ardent atheist, and according to the engrained human idea that if you don’t agree with something you automatically agree with the accepted polar opposite, I’m lumped into the ‘yay for team science’ category. Not exactly. I believe science produces some interesting results, and clarifies some things for us, and it solves some big human problems… but I still think most scientific pursuits are just another arrogant human byproduct, another extension of our self-importance, and the whole affair is generally limited by revolving around us.

For example, we call it ‘The Known Universe.’ What self-important language! Do we really think the universe gives a shit how much of it humans can see and observe? Do we really think that matters? It’s mind boggling to me that we can still be so self important despite the proven FACT that we are an inconsequential, barely observable micro-organism. Our entire solar system is a spec of dust… we haven’t been past our own moon… and yet we still think we are this amazing, praise-worthy pile of mold. How incredibly pompous to actually think that there is nothing bigger than the universe. Why? Because we can’t see it with our little dinky lenses? Because we can’t prove it to ourselves from our stupid little arrogant chunk of rock? Well then it surely must just stop! Clearly, unless humans can see something, it doesn’t exist! It doesn’t matter! No, WE don’t matter. Our observations don’t matter. Our proof doesn’t matter. To anyone or anything, except us.

Why are we so certain that life is a good thing? Out of nine planets, only ours seems to have life on it. Maybe it’s a freak show. Maybe it’s an infection. Maybe planets are supposed to be untainted spheres of gas and rock, and not have creepy crawly things running around on them building skyscrapers and mining for shiny rocks. Or maybe, likely… that’s just what we do! At best, we’re a pesky mutation. We have ape like features, but we quite clearly have no issues with taking a giant shit all over the planet, and feeling entitled to continue doing so. Justified. Righteous. Look at the derogatory terms we have for people who thought it was a good idea to live in harmony and peace with the earth. “Dirty Hippies.” “Treehuggers.” “Savages.” “Heretics.” We basically have wiped out every single indigenous culture on earth simply because they didn’t want to destroy it! What the fuck is wrong with us? Maybe nothing! Seems to me, that this is just what humans do. Ones who want to stay alive at least. We’re not good people. We’re an organism. That’s why when you try and talk about this sort of thing with other people they get very defensive. Very dismissive. “Yeah I don’t really like to think about that sort of thing.”

Angry even.

“Shut up and get a job faggot!” “Worthless.” “Crazy.” “Outcast.” You can literally get tossed out of the species just for suggesting that maybe we should be nicer to each other and not rape the planet we live on. That’s a criminal offense encoded in human DNA. Fall in line or get the fuck out of the species.

And here’s I guess where I lost hope.

The Apollo Missions.

We have been to what we like to call ‘space.’ Another dumb, human-centric, silly label. Space wasn’t as impressed with us as we were with our little visits. Space couldn’t care less. But what shocks me in retrospect is this: How is it possible that we did not gain any perspective, as a species, collectively, from sending astronauts to space? You see we’ve gotten to this point where WHAT we know doesn’t remotely match HOW we behave, or what we DO. What we do doesn’t make any sense when you compare it to what we know, and what we’re capable of.

We are capable of flying to the moon. What we do when we get there… is plant a fucking flag! Are you kidding me?! When those astronauts blasted out of the earth’s orbit and looked back at the planet objectively they should have suddenly gone ‘wow… we’ve been wrong man. There’s no such thing as a country, it’s a figment of our imagination. Why are we dividing the planet into these sections because of wars that happened hundreds of years ago? Houston, we have a problem… we need to use this gift of the ability to observe the planet as it truly exists, one whole world with no divisions… we need to share this epiphany with all of our species and move forward collectively towards a better future… we have so much work to do.” And everyone at home should have thought the same thing.

But they didn’t. You know what they did instead?

They said “Let’s go plant this fucking flag on the moon! That’ll show those god damned commie russian chess playing ice skating cunts who runs this joint!”

And back home on earth they chanted “USA! USA!”

That’s the only thing that was gained by going to the moon. Planting a fucking flag. How stupid and primitive a concept is the flag? I mean seriously people. Can we stop and take a minute to realize just how mind-numbingly simplistic and irrelevant even the concept of the flag is? A pretty picture on a flappy cloth on a stick? That’s what we’re going to do with our time? That’s still our priority? We’re still going to rally around colors? Live, die, kill, vote, govern, organize… in imaginary sections of one planet. Pretend we’re playing on different teams, living in different tribes? Pretend it matters which imaginary section we’re born in, like that has anything to do with anything? With all of this supposed knowledge we’re honestly going to hate, trust, love, respect or despise people, because they live in a ‘different’ one?

Why do we teach our kids history in the way that we do? As if the people of our past are these great warriors, these incredible heroes. History is full of morons, assholes, murderers, rapists, ignorance and pointless hate. It’s full of stubbornness, self-righteousness, superiority complexes and lies. Why don’t we sit our kids down and say ‘listen, Santa Claus isn’t real, but also… every human being who has come before you has pretty much been a piece of shit… and there’s a real good chance you are too.’ Why don’t we tell them that the history of this planet is filled with people who refused to open their minds to new ideas, who murdered those that tried to help, and continue to do so? Why don’t we tell them that this place is in trouble and it’s all our fault? Why isn’t school a place where we say ‘look, we’re in some serious trouble and we need some serious solutions?’ I’ll tell you why. Because we need to believe we matter. We need to constantly convince ourselves that we are great, we are terrific, and we always have been. We need to re-affirm that the things we do and think, the way we behave, are okay… they are logical, they are intelligent and they are necessary.

Most importantly though, we don’t want to rock the boat. Every individual human has these thoughts, often under the influence of drugs, or in moments of reflection and despair. It’s the only thing I think about personally. But every human knows deep down that this kind of thinking doesn’t help you get a job, make money, or obtain status and rank. So we stuff it down inside us. We do what the human organism demands. We play our part. We always have, and we always will. In the human world, created by humans, for humans… what matters is us. And that’s the problem. If we’re ever going to move forward, we are going to have to let go of this idea that we are so god damned impressive. We’re not.

Don’t get me wrong, I really, really, really, yearn and hope for the improvement of our species. I really would like to think that we’re getting smarter, and better, and more decent, and going somewhere positive with all of this.

I’d like to.

I just don’t.

*(WARNING! Proposing new ideas is a great way to get yourself shot in the head. Not recommended.)

Who the fuck is Danny Mendlow and why do I care what he has to say?

I am a comedian, an award-winning screenwriter and blah blah blah blah… this isn’t a job interview, it’s a blog. I do write, perform and produce comedy as well as various other artistic ventures, which means that I work a lot of menial, boring, low-level jobs to sustain myself and work very hard in what little spare time I have to one day succeed at what I actually enjoy doing. My mind is probably more suited for politics than anything. Trouble is, I hate politics, swear all the time, like to tell the truth and think that politicians are essentially pure 100% evil, and mostly useless. Deep down, I’m actually a decent human being who wants to contribute ideas which would make a better life for others… so clearly I have no place in politics.

This blog will primarily consist of socially critical rants about things that I hate about our species and perhaps some suggestions as to how things could be better… but won’t.

I hold no false hopes that something I write here will change humanity for the better. No, that would actually disprove every conclusion I have come to about the human organism. In essence, I believe we are a highly pompous, self-aggrandizing, self-important micro-organism with an inferiority complex, that won’t be alive much longer. I also believe the next 30 or 40 years will be a very interesting time. I believe a lot of bad things are going to happen and a lot of people are going to die. I only hope that after all those people die (whether from war, catastrophe, disease or best of all… all three!) Perhaps something different and somewhat more progressive will emerge.

I highly doubt that will be the case. More than likely we’re all headed for either the most boring or horrific time in history. Either way, I’ll keep writing.

If you like people who complain a lot about stuff but don’t take themselves all that seriously… then you’re in the right place!

maybe

Also, I hate the word blog. It’s a stupid fucking word and we should change it.

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