Memo

So there it was. That first moment when you fail as a mother in front of your own child. Somehow I missed a memo. I miss those all the time (that’s why I still wear non matching undies and combine black with navy). But it was never this disappointing. For her.

After our usual morning struggle to get out of the house on time, which is way more complicated since I’m in hippo shape, we got at day care exactly on time. I pulled her stroller inside, unlocked the door with a password I always forget and we hurried up the stairs. I hate to be late. Not for me, I’m always late, the fashionable way of course. But I hate it for her. She only started at this new day care a few weeks ago (and she’s a champ really!) and I don’t want her to be the new girl that comes in late and everyone who’s sitting at the table can stare at her.

But we did it. We got there on time. Nothing to stare at. Yihaaa! So I thought for 3 seconds. Opening the door made me freeze. All the kids were wearing a costume (it’s Carnival time). Snow White, a fireman, a dinosaur, Minnie Mouse, a shark, even Elsa was represented (by a teacher!). ALL of them, except for J. My little J. She grabbed my hand and looked up at me with her serious face. She said nothing. Silence. But a look I will never forget. It might have been a mixture of not fully understanding and disappointment. All I could think was: “where the hell was that f***ing memo”.

To make it a little more painful I kneeled down and told her I didn’t know all of this. That I wish I did so we could have dressed her up as a Care Bear or the prettiest princess in the world. And while I was making excuses, giving her teachers the bad eye, she smiled and said to me: “but I’m already wearing a beautiful dress mommy” pointing at the Mingo sweat dress she was wearing, which she normally never chooses because it can’t twirl.

While her teacher got her to another room to pick a costume, I left. Crying. Because I missed a memo. Because my kid felt the need to calm me down with a smile and a sweet thing to say. Because I’m full of shitty hormones. Because I’m a mother.