This makes me feel that the title is perfectly fitting now. Over the Rainbow is a song I have long loved. When I took singing lessons way back, I sang this song – as so many singing students do. It just has such an optimistic, make your dreams come true feeling. BUT to add in some Simple Gifts – a hymn that I play clawhammer on my banjo, it becomes so perfectly me. I have a predilection for playing and enjoying gospel music on the banjo.

Am I procrastinating getting into this story? Yes, absolutely I am. The Simple Gifts I received via this experience are priceless. I have heard many stories in my day. This one could be taken on a completely different tangent than the one I chose. Because I choose my own story. The following experience resulted in great growth opportunities. So why would I seriously consider not including it? See what you think.

“The most important thing we can do in our lives is stop acting as if anything is a drama. Treat drama like it really is: a trigger, asking us to dive deeper.” Teal gives an insightful explanation that when we display drama or strong emotions, it acts like a flag to point towards our unresolved and unintegrated grief. Discovering the causality of our conflict changes it. I would call that healing. It is important to recognize the messengers. They are only reflecting your unhealed wounds back to you. Do not shoot the messenger!! I would hazard to guess that most personal conflict arises from the past wounds, going unrecognized. The messenger gets shot and is now a more wary human being for the next relationship, romantic or otherwise. The heart is walled off and less available to give and receive love.

I point to divorce or unconscious uncoupling as the creator of numerous examples. Love the term conscious uncoupling. Each partner takes some responsibility for the wounds they brought to the relationship. They see each other’s human essence and can peacefully coexist whether they have children to parent together or not. When there are children and the coupling is uncouscious, the ground is ripe for creating trauma in the children. This is the common fear that I hear and have heard relative to my own conscious uncoupling. My sense is that unrecognized emotional wounds in parents have untoward effects on kidswhether the parents stay married or choose to uncouple. Love to call a spade a spade… The best thing we can do for kids: parents heal thyselves! Easier said than done, I know.

The writing above was tapped out and left for untold months.

August 12, 2014. This was the day where this story, experienced years ago, took form. I had been avoiding this tale despite sitting down to it many times. Most of my anecdotes just form all at once. I read Jeff Foster’s poem posted this day which at long last lit up the outline for how to paint the picture. Some surprises for me. Tears came as I felt it download. Even though the story was long known to me, details of how to share it and the issues to include are downloaded. From my higher self? From the Muse?

In the midst of conflict,
have you ever suddenly felt a near-unbearable wave of compassion
for the one on the ‘other side’?

Has your ‘enemy’ suddenly and without warning become… closer?

You are not crazy. You are not ‘going soft’.
You are waking up.

You have felt their pain as your own, their struggle as your struggle.
You have forgotten all your clever reasons to be at war.
You have lost interest in winning.
You have remembered that once you were kin.
In another life, perhaps, or in another reality, or in another moment,
they were your brother, your sister, your mother, your friend, your son.

Once, you held them in your arms so tenderly.
Once, you played together in the river.

Perhaps you will play again.

Perhaps you are the hope of this world.

– Jeff Foster

Tears came to my eyes after reading this…knowing the narrative will be scripted. With the intention of love and compassion to all involved. I savor the memories of some highly charged events. Life was not boring. I got to walk my talk… and it was good. Maybe I was not even talking. I made some connections to ancient wisdom and had a chance to try them out for the first time. Believe it or not, it was easy too. The hugest problem I see in society today is the idea that being loving, authentic, transparent and honest is hard. Load of bullshit. The way I see it is those who are not authentic, transparent, loving and honest have a waaaay harder time. In the words of Pierre Elliot Trudeau, “Just watch me”.

This will be the story of the Laser Eye Surgery Center – seen through a wide view lens. It began in Minneapolis, Minnesota, where my then husband received one year of Corneal Subspecialty Training. It was an intense year with rewards and challenges. My firstborn daughter was born two months into the training. The plan to deliver before moving to the United States was thwarted by nature. Not a big deal really. My partner had funding from the Canadian Institute for the Blind to cover his wages so it was easy to negotiate that the hospital cover all expenses related to the birth of our child. $500US per month: cadillac Health Insurance was provided. Yes! Not a Canadian penny was spent on our healthcare that year. I was pretty shocked that the bill to deliver a healthy child came to over $10,000 US. That was at the downtown hospital too. We later learned that the fancy people would never have their baby at the Hennepin County Medical Centre. The suburbs was where the local Doctors delivered. I was treated like a VIP and had no complaints. First tangent, whoops!

That was 1997 and refractive laser surgery, to remove the need for glasses, was relatively new. It was my sense that this was one of the first years that the technique could have been offered in training. It was a great opportunity for my buddy to be taken under the wing of a private operator. With that training fresh and new, he was keen to keep it going. Upon return to Edmonton and joining his father in Private Practice, he took the first opportunity that came up to do refractive surgery. He joined Lasikvision, a multi-center Canadian group of Surgeons. Learning curve both surgically, less of a challenge, along with the business side. My sensible husband was the first to leave a ship that did eventually sink. Saw that one coming. He then joined a small two center operation that worked well for a time. Issues continued to crop up: sanitation, business, agreements etc. Contract worker: owner/operator. The debate was long entertained. Neither my partner or myself were jumping on the bandwagon of ownership of a Surgery Centre. Conservative by nature we were. I wanted to be clear about why we would choose to own. What do we know about running a private surgical centre? I more than he believed in simplicity. Would this not complicate our life? We are doing just fine, aren’t we? His contract work connected him to two people who were egging him on to go for it. One was a salesman-type business manager, the other was the surgical assistant. I will call the manager Otto and the assistant Flora. Names have been changed for whatever it is worth. I could hear my buddy getting won over by the weekly influences of Otto and Flora. OK, if he was seriously thinking about it, so would I.

I was more reluctant than my buddy in this exciting venture… just a little. It was not my dream, for sure. I was completely busted when the deciding factor for me was my Dad saying “go for it”. You think you are all grown up and then you get caught jumping at the smallest encouragement…when it is your Dad. We were driving to Saskatchewan to see my Grandparents. It was a 500 mile drive so there was lots of time to catch up with life. I felt the yes click into place the millisecond my Dad approved. Gotta laugh… No regrets though. I love learning in the University of Life.

Explorations discover that it would be a dream for my husband. Now there was a good reason. The plans started to formulate: costs, accreditation, financing, human resources etc. The fact that two key employees worked for the prior facility was a huge concern. It was felt that these key people were an asset to the plan. Legal counsel was obtained. This was not too cumbersome but not free. And not without drama.

The idea of conscious business mentality was on our minds. How do we honor the key players? Neither of us had much business experience. We had heard about companies like Starbucks who shared profits with their employees. We liked the idea of giving them a small share in the company but needed guidance on how to do it. After talking with accountants and lawyers, we did not have a formalized way. Everyone discouraged doing it via giving Shares. Whoops! Too late now. It had been discussed. In the meanwhile, business was up and away. OK, let us figure this all out on the fly. Our accountant was known for great one-liner advice. I recall him once saying, “Nothing ruins a good friendship faster than a bad business relationship”. That one is pure gold.

The Medical Director of the Centre, my then husband, was a pretty busy guy. Definitely, he and I were crossing our fingers that the other two might hold some water. Within four months, Otto was out – not concerned about undelivered promises. He preferred to work for a multi-centre group and ended up being wooed by one of the competitors. The same human beings who sunk their first ship. Interesting how that works. Fine. It was a blessing that we recognized right away. It was getting pretty awkward when we could see his skills were not translating into the skills we were hoping for. I read the book, “Good to Great” by Jim Collins. One of the first tips is to get the right people on the bus. We had no end of problems in that area. Reading that book showed me that I naturally knew the content. Common sense in how to run a business. As in everything, easier said than done…

I always felt good about Flora’s skills. I wrongly assumed that once Otto left, the three of us would be a team. Personally, Flora and I were not friends despite the long work relationship between she and my buddy. She and her husband had recently separated. I was a bit blind at the time to how big an event that can be. She is tough by nature. I could relate to that. Somehow, both my buddy and I chose to be less than forthright about how involved I was in the business. I saw her as having an ego. She would not like to know that I carry weight for my overworked partner. Already knew that she and I did not connect that strongly. Noteworthy, with the strong work connection at the laser centre, when my buddy needed more help in his private practice, he hired Flora in a contract style. She did elevate herself above a regular employee: Invoicing, being paid that way. I admired her confidence and attitude. She had high expectations. It worked in her favor. After several years, my buddy would tell me how she vowed to work with him until retirement. He was flattered… a little surprised how she could be so committed.

Back to the project: developing the permanent site while operating in a temporary, sweet deal, location. The leasehold developments went way over budget. It was a freak in the Edmonton Economic cycle. I recall headlines describing the impact this had on the City of Edmonton also. So our initial plan for $750,000 loan turned into a $1.3 million loan. Slightly uncomfy for the Doctors –he and I. It had a bigger impact on him. We were committed and there was no turning back anyway. Let us make the best of it. The shareholder agreement just kept getting put off month after month. Flora was quite patient with it. Her own domestic uncertainties enabled a delayed enactment. She had no money in. If she bought in before her divorce was complete, her former husband could own half. Reality settled and it was hard to imagine a mutual agreement coming forth. Figured this out within the first months of operation. Problem. What to do? My idea: let us hash it out. My buddy’s idea: let me stick my head in a hole and see if this problem will magically disappear. He feared her quitting and he felt he needed her. My interpretation anyway.

My official role in the company: book keeper. My actual role: A whole lot bigger than that. I did whatever I could without showing my face on site.

Short version of story: dysfunctional leadership. Three people believing themselves to be at the helm in some capacity. Thora, my buddy and I. A little love triangle.

It was not long before my buddy was ordering Thora and I not to communicate together. Everything had to go through him. That love triangle becomes a line… with a very resistant, and busy, dude in the middle … with his head stuck in a hole. I laugh out loud as I write that. Never thought of it that way.

Somehow felt that I had to give that reality backdrop to paint another layer on the story.

Behind the scenes, I am personally feeling a need for transformation both for myself and the marriage. Truth is so much stranger than fiction. My buddy felt a lot of stress in his work combination by this time. Private practice. Surgical Facility ownership. As much as the center was stressful, it was healthy. Cash flowed very well. He operated one day a week at the onset with a low overhead situation in a temporary location–prior to the permanent center. There was a great big party with the patients every week. He became addicted to it. It was a great success! If we just forgot about the debt and some of the human resource headaches, the company was doing very well. The debt was not unmanageable the way things were going. I could see my husband wilting severely. Life was just out of balance. I was very sensitive to that and encouraging him to make some changes. I am someone who read the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People three times. No other book can get that satisfaction. I even read the Seven Habits for Highly Effective Teens with my kids too. Simple stuff.

1. Be Proactive.

2. Begin with the end in mind.

3. Think win: win.

4. Put first things first.

5. Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

6. Synergize.

7. Sharpen the Saw – this one was being neglected most by my buddy. Cannot cut with a dull saw.

The other big concept from that book that I still think about today: Stephen Covey created 4 quadrants of priority in tasks. He felt that most people have a tendency in filling their time with things that are urgent but not important. Someone else unloads their agenda to you. We need to be very mindful of doing the non-urgent, important things. How we handle that type of task can create the atmosphere in your life. If you feel you are always putting out fires, you may not be attending to task prioritization very well. Many emergencies are avoided by doing the important but non-urgent tasks in a timely manner. If you need a reminder, there was that old Shareholder Agreement issue with Thora that kept getting put on the backburner. I wonder why? My perspective sees it as: my buddy wanted to maintain control. He wanted to inform her that the agreement was off the table permanently but there was a risk that she would quit. My idea: look for a win:win that is not the shareholder agreement. There is a chance that she will refuse. It is her choice to work towards an agreement or quit. His style was by doing nothing he maintained more control than tackling the conflict in discussion, looking for a mutually agreeable solution. So it is of absolutely no surprise to me that he handles our divorce agreement in the same way – coming on 4 years. Assets still not in my name. Any day now. I am not suffering. I will not hold my breath.

Will throw in a wee example of my style of dealing with an issue that is important but not urgent. Early in the months of the permanent Centre opening, I saw a looming problem. In Medical School, unlike Dental School, there is not a stitch of education about running a business. Doctors just wing it. With the Surgical Centre, we planned on using our common sense. Worked not too badly. Also, talk to other business owners. We did that for Human Resource problems. A garden variety cashflow problem was detected. Time of arrival: less than four weeks. I was the only one in the position to see it. I recall mentioning it reluctantly to my buddy. Never wanted to add to his load but had to discuss. As expected, it weighed heavy. He ordered me to tell nobody else. I rarely defied orders but one day later, I called our Banking Representative. When you borrow a million dollars, you form a relationship. I was the one maintaining this relationship. Enjoyed. I felt comfortable sharing the situation with her. Within ten seconds, she happily offered the solution: a line of credit for $100,000. That was easy. It was a reminder that we are a bit debt averse. In a business like this, having a line of credit was common. My buddy was not too happy that I shared the situation with the Banker. I knocked my head a couple of times. Made little sense how he was more mad than happy for a simple solution. This was a super objective sign for me to appreciate the difference between my buddy and I. How would it have gone if we said nothing and it turned into an emergency? I sensed the shame associated with being perceived by others as “not having enough money”. It was not logical in this context in my paradigm. It was kindergarten business tool awareness. I made a note. He is sensitive on this topic.

Back to the Flora challenge:

I recognized within a couple of months that she wanted to own the company. She worked as if she was the owner. As a result, she had frequent arguments with the owner. Big problem needed a timely resolution. She had a dream…and my buddy watered that dream. She would not have parted with it easily. My prediction, she would have quit. Possibly, after having difficulty finding another job to her satisfaction, she would have returned.

Months of planning and preparation for the opening of the Centre and it was time to purchase or lease the surgical equipment. I was personally so disappointed when the big Ophthalmology Conference landed on the same week as Spring Break for the kids’ school. I was planning for the family to travel to Mexico for a vacation. The conference was like a trade show. This year, my buddy had to go and sort out the equipment for the Centre. One of the surgical companies had lent him a laser that got the cash flowing. Sweet deal! But not a permanent solution. As a result he had to go to the conference. It did not take me long to decide to carry on with my original plan…sans (without, in French) husband. That created a few ripples. People were quite silent at the idea… in a spooky way. Unwritten rule: married women with children are not supposed to vacation with their kids when their husband is not present. I had been playing around in my mind with how I was going to deal with my marriage dissatisfaction. Separate holidays was on that list. Let me just try that one on. I had been keeping my eyes open to other couples and saw how few of them had anything inspiring to offer. Most found ways to silently slip out of each others lives…while still sharing a business together. The family business…as in raising kids together under the same roof. There is a practical side there. Cost savings running one house rather than two. Money is not everything. Sure I have heard that somewhere before.

Loved the vacation. I did it my way. No arguing about the plan. Nice change. Kids were 9 years, 6 years and 2 years. That little toddler was

I love Jesus!

Jean-Luc. Fondest memory of the daily ritual I formed starting the first day. I told the two older kids that they would have to entertain themselves each afternoon in the hotel room while JL took a nap. I would be on the balcony reading… Ekhart Tolle’s A New Earth. Completely outside myself, it was Jesus who delivered my coffee and snack to enjoy during the afternoon siesta each day. Warmed my heart. The name on the nametag of the hotel employee who delivered my room service was Jesus. It was a big resort. There had to be other guys on shift. I got him every single day. Truth is Stranger than Fiction, I always say.

Many friends later told me they knew a divorce was on its way. Really? I think it is more via energy than just taking your kids on vacation without their dad. Is that really so strange?

Along the wayside, I had diagnosed my buddy as suffering with depression. I dragged him to a counselor connected to the Medical Association. The therapist, a lovely woman, saw a lot of Doctors as a result. I learned a lot from her. It was interesting to hear her declare that she has seen so many Doctors sit on her couch and be unable to connect to their feelings. Hmmm…. interesting. She was the one who declared to me, “Angele, it sounds like you are waiting for permission”…to leave. She was referring to divorcing my husband. Wow! She was right. I was waiting for him to agree. She was worth every penny of her fees, paid by the Medical Association, a benefit, for that perception. Why did I need to be told that? Felt like such a smart one needing somebody outside myself to inform me … of my own feelings. Cannot quite take the Doctor out of the girl, I guess. Maybe sometimes we really do need someone to help us see our own feelings. Or is it just Doctors? How to get unstuck? That is where a close friend with a spot on intuition can come in handy. Sometimes we are not ready to hear the truth, even our own. At this point, we were in the middle of one last try. Months after I had a powerful experience feeling a strong romantic attraction to another man. I saw him and instantly felt: “Wow! Wonder if he is married? Wait a minute, I am married!” Straw that broke the camel‘s back. Since I had not been able to fully look at the truth that I needed to make a change, the Universe kept sending stronger and stronger signals. I have always had a fascination about Infidelity. I wondered what it was. How come it is so common? If it is so common, why is everyone so surprised when it pops up? Now I had my own experience. Oooooh, that is what infidelity is! It is when you have emotionally left your marriage and are now open to the next relationship. Good to know. I get it now… Carry on.

I have given the whole CD very many listens. I own lots of Wailin Jennys’ music. I am a big fan! I jumped up and down when this song popped into my head as going in this story. Always wondered why I liked this song so much. It was that line “I’m not the cheatin’ kind. It snuck up from behind. Kicked in the door to someday, I can’t get her off my mind.” My thoughts: we, as a society, have set ourselves up for it. Then we cry foul every single time it shows its predictable face. We are stuck in a loop, yet again. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? Is it working? Maybe we will have to change something, not sure…

More lyrics from the song:

“I held on for so long. Dusty, quaint old song. Things attached with glue…”

“All or nothing now. Might as well be true. Leave the dream of hearth and home that never will come through.”

“Sweet wild road ahead. Sweet wild road ahead. If I lied and said that all was well, I might as well be dead.”

That is called experiential learning. Way more fun and impactful than just reading it in a book! Only once it showed itself in my life could I understand it. It had always confused me: the drama of it all. The villainizing of the mistress. Often, it appeared to me that the man was never villainized with the same ferocity. By a long ways. Does that make sense to you? It takes two to tango…

A novel approach: We could choose to live and let live…nobody gets villainized.

Tangent alert: I had a small experience with this mistress villainization myself. Are you surprised? I always have a story. There was a young man who caught my attention in medical school – before my marriage partner did. When I saw my marriage partner on the first day of Medical School, I leaned over to my best friend and said, “He is really cute. But too young.” My friends now would roar to hear that one. He is one year younger but I always joke that he had not finished puberty when he started Med School. Maybe not the most tactful thing to say about your husband. He informed me that we were in the same Organic Chemistry class in Pre-Med and he sat a couple of rows behind me each class – admiring me apparently. I was eating my lunch next to my best friend in that class. I felt I was seeing him for the first time in Med School. Felt weird to think of that. It was not long before a man of Irish descent was on my radar. Pretty big crush actually. I had no idea what to do with it. He was smart, witty, handsome, hilarious. A nice combo. In my books. Off the charts tall which I was neutral to… but a unique characteristic nonetheless. I kept my eye on him. Noticed I was awkward around him so getting to know him seemed unlikely. One day I saw him with a lovely lass. She looked a lot like him physically. She could have been a sibling. It was not long after that we found ourselves sharing mutual

You know I love to exaggerate…

admiration with each other. Alcohol was involved. I was in the process of learning that it may not be the best to mix a new romance and alcohol. We were getting along rather swell. I inquired about the girl I saw him with. “Oh, that is the sister of one of my roommates. She is nothing”, said he. I believe I am quoting here. Well I asked. And I believed. I wanted to believe. Long story short. It got very intimate. And she was his girlfriend. My initial clue was jogging up alongside of him on the track next school day–habit for a large group of us at lunchtime– and he did not acknowledge me, picked up the pace and low and behold: he was now jogging with “the girl I saw him with originally”. Fine. I was not too miffed. My best friend was. She called him lots of expletives on my behalf. I felt badly for the girlfriend. I felt that had I known he had a girlfriend, I would have chose to behave differently. Today, may be different but back then, I was solid about it. My friend summed it up, “you are better off without a guy like that”. I agreed. Minor setback. It happened for me.

What angered me was later discovering that she held great contempt for me. What??? So I guess he fessed up. Wow! I was in the know of how it went down. It seemed to me that her anger was a wee misdirected. I was not even aware of her being of significance. I asked specifically. I saw her walk beside him once. That malevolence went on and on. I found it slightly amusing and came to expect it. I was more the “been there, done that, carry on” type. They ended up moving in together so she was around at the functions for a while. I found her very pretty and sweet from afar. I was genuinely concerned for her choice of partner. Over time, they broke up. He married another of our Med. School classmates. To the dismay of many. Years later, I ran into them at West Edmonton Mall. Not a happy scene (the look of their relationship)…and no surprise to me. There were a couple of little kidlets to show also – always love that. Again, petty experience but I surprise myself how my Infidelity interest had more episodes than I paid attention to. Until now. Cannot help but throw in the choice my tall Med School friend made one day at a wedding we both attended after graduation. We were both married at this point to fellow classmates. He chose to ensure that my marriage partner knew the whole story about he and I. Felt really good about the fact that I had already told my marriage buddy. My guess is that my old friend was disappointed that he could not have stirred up a bit of drama notifying my husband of something that he did not already know. I am honest to a fault. Look at this writing for instance. His conversation with my husband left a bad taste in the mouth somehow. Some may start to question my taste in men. I see the jewel in people. I really do. When they do not live up to their jewel, I am just surprised. Life seems to run smoother when we take responsibility for our actions and choices.

Back to the story:

I was ripe and ready for an affair. I wonder if there are other options? Hmmmm… Maybe I should get a divorce. This could easily have happened years earlier… to be authentic. Age of youngest child does seem to factor in – as I look around me. My youngest little blessing was 6 years old by this time. Where did those years go? Relevant to add: I cannot even be sure when I last had intimate relations with my husband. Did it occur after the birth of Jean-Luc or not? I am not a reliable witness to that answer. Says a lot. I do remember that one day, maybe after JL’s birth, there was a close encounter of the intimate kind. I was considering it…and then all of a sudden I had the idea that Flora was there. I asked him, I feel her energy here. Did you talk to her today about sexual relations? Creeped me out. I did not think too much about it but my feelings said intimacy was a no go.

The centre opened. Yeah! The next Christmas Party I felt the coldest pricklies coming from Flora. I thought little of it but noted to my buddy. He looked very surprised. I proceeded to have a good time on the dancefloor… with my buddy. I always feel that is the best approach to a grumpy, unexplained meany. Have a good time! I remarked that her gift to him, a fancy tie, was inappropriate for an employee. He got her a bottle of wine like all the other staff, a token to accompany the generous cash bonuses – as far as I know. Months later found a gushy Birthday card from her to him in the side pouch of his briefcase. A place that myself and all staff were regularly poking around in. That was our way of sending things back and forth. So he was not hiding it. It made my stomach lurch. My brain right away thought, hmmmm. Is it possible that they are romantic? My heart said no. Marched right up to him and asked him about it. He stated, “Oh, you know her. She is just like that.” Really? I retorted with, “How would you feel if a man gave me a card with as much emotion?” No answer. I asked him point blank if he was romantically connected and he said No. Next declaration by me was, “You need to settle this. It sounds like she has a thing for you. Ignore at your peril.” I was confused. Something was not quite right.

May be worth noting that Flora had a boyfriend. They spent a fair amount of time together, including vacations. I eventually chose to speak up to my buddy when he would regularly berate the actions and words of the boyfriend. I reminded him that it was crossing a boundary for him to share any of his personal thoughts about Flora’s boyfriend. Why even spend a thought on it? He felt the business arguments with Flora arose from the boyfriend’s views. Hmmmm…. Not cool.

Finally landed December 2009: I asked for a divorce. Amazing how hard that was. Not even sure why. I was certain that I was best served with a divorce. I wanted to sell out of the Surgical Centre. “As the laserturns”was our running joke. Drama churned up nearly daily like a soap opera: not my style. Two months after my Infidelity revelation and three years after the rough start with the company. He talked me into the one last try, one year, which ended at nine months. Part of that package was to hire a Human Resource Consultant. Says a lot right there, doesn’t it? We got to know this specific woman who was a parent of a hockey player on Jacques’, son’s, team. I really liked her and had reviewed some of our challenges with her already. Why pay less when you can pay more? That was definitely the state of affairs with the HR consultant. I knew the problem but my buddy loves spending money on consultants to tell him things I have already told him. Don’t I just sound like a nagging wife? I had lived through his difficulty in handling his HR problem with Flora. The solution somehow could not come through me. I will make this part of the story short. It ended with her being fired. Only after she got nervous that she would be fired and started accusing my buddy of sexual harassment. Slanderous remarks were strewn about. Really regretted throwing out that Birthday Card let me tell you. I was keeping an open mind. Always felt there was more to that story. Was preparing myself for the truth, whatever it might have been. I remember receiving the call from my buddy asking me if I was sitting down. He shared the news that Flora was suing him for sexual harassment and wrongful dismissal. I was not sure what to believe but did not see that one coming – the sexual harassment part. Innocent until proven guilty in my books. Just want to point out that we spent a lot of money, six figures, on firing a woman who might have quit with a more authentic communication years earlier. Just sayin’. Guess what the HR consultant recommended? That he and Flora along with the consultant lock themselves into a room and not leave until they have sorted it out: The shareholder agreement. Really? Sounds familiar.

If you are always sensible and on top of things, life can be quite bland. Now we get the spicy, spicy version. I write this story three years later and really feel that this spicy version was way more interesting. I learned a lot through it. More importantly, I experienced a lot. Charged with sexual harassment. Hmmmm… How will this play out?

When the story took a nosedive, it was immediately followed with me lifting up and finding the highest road I could. There was a great view from there! I did not know what the truth was. It really did not matter. I felt the responsibility could be shared three ways. I was in there somewhere. I knew that. I acted less than transparently. Forgetting some of my own best advice. In the end, I had great compassion for all three of us.

Flora: recently divorced, single mom, her own mother suffered with unstable mental health (Bipolar Disorder –in time, my own diagnosis, interesting) throughout her childhood. She was charming, beautiful, a good saleswoman, possessing different gifts to my own. She was in survival mode. I felt she was manipulative…and really reminded me of the energy of my Mother-in-Law. My eyes were wide open all of a sudden making that connection. It made sense that my buddy might be attracted to her.

Flora feared how she would look after her own lovely daughter. I get that. I actually told friends at a dinner celebrating my 40th Birthday ”she is the kind of woman that a man would have an affair with”. Sometimes I do not even listen to myself. It was years later that I remembered saying that.

My buddy: a hardworking, gifted Surgeon and Doctor, fears not accumulating a humongous nest egg for the kids. Has strong connections to social norms. Believes a man must work hard to be worthwhile. He was doing his best but found it impossible to have the hard conversations. He feared not being able to run his business without the passion his manager brought to the business. Nobody cared about it like she did. He felt supported with her there. He asked many times for his wife to come in to help run it. I said no, repeatedly. He was half-hearted in that request because he feared I would shake things up.

Myself: Kids are very valuable. I did not like the thought of both parents lacking in balance working long hours at the centre. My controlling nature needed to know my assets were in check. By doing the books, I could see the trends and offered advice and suggestions that way. I knew myself well enough to sense that working any closer, might not have been helpful. I wanted to be truly helpful. Funny, our daughter wonders if we would still be married if it were not for the Centre. Hard to know. I am thankful that these events clarified what I needed to do. It took a lot of drama to snap me out of the social template that marriage was for life. Amazing!

Are you wondering if he had an affair with Flora? My answer is No, but… it depends on how you define affair.

My current understanding is that they never had intercourse but affairs of the heart are more serious. In the process of defending my buddy against the charges of sexual impropriety and wrongful dismissal, binders, really big binders of evidence were collected. Everything was laid on the table. She came out with all guns. I could not help but be interested. Funny how it was only the night before my turn at Discoveries – legal event where the two parties each with a lawyer and a court reporter officially compare notes – did the binders find their way to my attention. They had been in the trunk of my buddy’s car for months. You know me, I can translate down in a unique way. All of the hubbaloo condensed down to:

Flirting under the influence of alcohol, tipsy, at the Conference while Jesus was serving me coffee daily in Mexico.

Heated yelling fight between Flora and my buddy about the Shareholder agreement that ended with a hug in early months of the permanent centre opening. One of those energy filled hugs. Something had shifted there. It was way more personal all of a sudden.

Walking arm in arm together somewhere, sometime. He had told me everything himself…only after the lawsuit was intitiated. Except the email he wrote to her romantically wishing she could have attended a trip he took to one of the Carribean Islands where a Surgeon gave him a personal demonstration of a surgical technique. I cannot even remember the name of the Island. Shows how much I cared I guess. That was new to me… and clarified the sadness of the situation. My buddy was now officially busted … by me anyway.

He should have had the affair. He wanted to. He hated himself for wanting it. That eventually turned into hating her as well. The cause of the Depression. Viola! I love when I can understand fundamentally. His cultural/social/family belief systems told him that he was a bad man. I honestly cried for him – hating himself. I do not want that for the father to my children. As parents, we template our kids. It occurs just by being ourselves. They will pick up the energetic tendency

Considering we were both Doctors, we did not master the game of playing doctor…

to hate themselves for their passions. That is the furthest thing from what I want for my prior marriage partner … or anyone. He hated that he fell into a situation that he had always judged as appalling. The typical Surgeon falls for his right hand woman, manager. He divorces wife and lives happily ever after with the beautiful coworker. Maybe it is typical for a reason? When a man is looking for someone to share his dream, why not? See where that judgment stuff can just take a great big bite from your own butt? I always love to ask, is it authentic? If yes, it is a go.

When I informed my buddy that I wanted a Divorce, I followed it with go ahead and explore things with Flora. It was fine with me. I wanted him to be happy, authentic. This was months before her being fired so I did not have all the evidence then, just intuition. She shared his dream. He had lost me anyway, he did not have to lose her too. He had become so suspicious of her by then. Money was at play so it got confusing. In the end, he came to hate her. My translation: misdirected self-hate. Not a good sign in my books. Passion misdirected. Maybe it all ended as it needed to. Heaven only knows…

My turn at Discoveries was a huge experience. Words likely cannot describe it but I will give it a go. The setting was a large conference room at one of the lawyers’ office. Present were Flora, my buddy, two lawyers, a court reporter and myself. Our lawyer, Jason, was an awesome guy: specialized in human resources from Calgary. He was a friend of our brother-in-law, came highly recommended. My state of mind was summed up by: I am going to stand beside my friend/husband. We will get out of this. By this time, it was clear that her case was more about vindictive feelings than any sexual harassment. She wanted to see some money leave his pocket: her most powerful weapon at this point. An offer of $25,000, made at the outset of the allegations of wrongful dismissal, was vigorously denied. She had an extremely six figure-ish number in mind.

In the discoveries room, I was not surprised to see her looking her best, wearing a beautiful dress, hair perfect. Funny that I purposely dressed myself down. I did not want to trigger a loaded bomb. I knew she was insecure. I did not need to add to it. Never before had I looked into someone’s eyes and seen such darkness. I imagine that I physically gasped, it shocked me. I knew her eyes were blue but they were black pools of energy that day, like a wounded wild animal before me. She was fighting for her survival.

There were 3 pitchers of water sitting on the table. I felt energy surging into my body. I was shaking. I felt the hatred directed towards me. It was so physical, like I was plugged into an electrical generator. I started pouring myself water, drinking glass after glass. I went through two pitchers by the end. It was not even that long. Her lawyer was a piece of work. We found out he could be categorized as rogue by many. Funny how a person can find what they are looking for. Our lawyer felt that it would have been very hard to find a lawyer to represent her case with the facts as they were. Somehow she managed to find one.

The questions posed to me were pretty petty stuff. She wanted to bring out formally any uncertainties that I may have had. Loved that I could clearly see it for what it was. My imperfection was neither here nor there to the case. I am honest to a fault so it was easy to answer the questions. I am never afraid to say I don’t know, that is for sure. Was a bit blindsided when it came out that they had requested notes from our Accountant. I had not read every page as I was only newly exposed to the binders full of stuff. I had collected some thoughts looking for solutions to the Flora problem months prior. I shared them with my buddy and our Accountant. I was shocked to see them in the binder. They partly involved my question of her salary. Ha ha! That one must have been a big experience for her. Most big financial decisions went through me…except her salary somehow. Let us say it was generous. Love a generous man but… My thoughts were to bring her salary in line with a nurse. Her expertise was in the field. She was credentialed as an optical technician – I forget the exact title now. I have a pet peeve with credentials so I had no problem paying premium for a premium person. I knew she had that potential – saw the jewel remember? My brainstorming wanted to bring into the discussion a much needed reference point in negotiating a win:win solution. The large salary had some assumptions that were not playing out in reality. Sometimes truth is not appreciated. Living in la la land is way more fun for everyone. I love how I think! That document was a heartwrenching attempt to assist a solution. I was so used to working behind the scenes. Felt off balance by seeing such a private work out of context of its intent in the hands of Flora in this way.

I chose to share this petty stuff…but the best part was yet to come. OK this would look a lot better in movie format, believe me. At the end of this harrowing lambasting experience, loaded with four litres of water, I felt a deep calm come over me. I had the floor. I looked across the table into those dark vengeful eyes and said, “Flora, I have so much compassion for you.” It felt so good to say this. I felt love emanating out of me but knew to say so would not be well received at this moment. Time stood still. My buddy’s lawyer, Jason, dramatically swiveled his chair ninety degrees to face me, his mouth wide open. Nobody else made motion but energetic pause… I put my hand on my buddy’s shoulder as a gesture of love and support…and left the room with my head held high. It was not the words, it was the energy. Coolest experience ever! If I lived a boring vanilla life, I would have missed the opportunity to learn what I was capable of. My belief is that our Soul knows this. We set up these spicy experiences to discover how big we really are. Why do we ride rollercoasters? Some rides are more thrilling than others. This was one of the most empowering experiences of my life. I would never have guessed it prior to living it.

Little snippet memory, for the movie ( ha ha): My buddy and I went back to my house following the Discovery meeting.

We made our bed…and it was Beautiful.

We sat down at the kitchen table. I had nothing to say. Quite rare. We just sat in silence for a while. He said he was sorry. He emanated sorry. Deep gratitude arose for my support during this trying time. I felt the sincerity and authenticity of it. Felt so good to hear it. To feel it. To know it. He really would have pushed back the hands of time to spare me this experience. Again, I wonder if he took on too much of the responsibility. Not the healthiest for him. I played a role too. I traced back a seed of greed at the start of the quagmire. Shared by all the players in the triangle. That is all I have to say about that.

As I have reflected on this challenge, I see Flora as a Soulmate. Without this dramatic state of affairs, I would have remained connected to the social contract marriage is for life. I will be forever Grateful to her. I understand her. She is intuitive as I am. She knew our marriage was done. I do not blame her for wanting to explore romance with someone who shared her passion. I knew of their close friendship. I never felt insecure by it. I had friends tell me to insist he fire her…long before this whole thing blew up. Why? If he wants to be with her, let me know so I can find someone else who will appreciate me. By the end, he was just someone who kept me from my own company. He was so unavailable to me. I always had the freedom to take matters into my own hands. It was my connection to the collective belief system that I perceive stalled the actions and choices that would have served my highest good much earlier. Clarity must be present to make your highest choices. It is pretty challenging to be certain of clarity when you are in the situation often times. In its own timing, clarity comes. Then you act. No big. If you are slow to recognize what needs to be done, the Universe just turns up the drama for you so you can take notice. That is all it is. Thanks Universe! Alternate translation: Thanks God! Another translation: Thanks Self! You got my attention now. I will get on this then.

I am pretty intuitive. I have come to recognize that the reason I was unable to detect the truth of the situation was because my buddy denied the truth so effectively.

If he felt it, I would have detected it. He sequestered his own feelings or memories of feelings for Flora so successfully, he kept it away from his intuitive wife. To me that was the saddest part. Maybe the three Souls wrote it this way. It played out perfectly for each of the three players. Authenticity rules in my world. Why would I want to chain up/imprison someone? That is not love. I want Love.

That is why I am always surprised when I hear of the drama that people find themselves in when one partner is unfaithful to the other. If we were more honest as a society, we would enable conscious uncoupling instead of hanging onto the antiquated feeling that a couple should stay together at all costs. Hogwash!

Two days following my deep energetic love and compassion experience in discoveries, I received an email from Flora. My translation: She saw my compassion as a weakness and thought she would exploit it. She was sweet… in a Thelma and Louise kind of way. She wanted to tag team together with me and take my buddy down. She had an argument that he treated us both so badly. I agreed to myself that he did treat us both less than ideally and quite similarly. He wanted to maintain his control over both of us. Not sure how conscious it was but I believe we were both powerful women who had choices of our own to make too. I was left feeling one third responsibility to each of us.

My response to her was that I would be happy to debrief with her after the legal case was completed. I would welcome it, but it did not surprise me when she did not follow up on my offer. I see us talking amicably somewhere down the line – like two comrades looking back to the war. I see her beautiful humanity…still.

Cannot remember the details but worth noting that it was getting to crunch time in the case. She was asking for six figures, we had offered $25K. Would we go to court? A decision was to be made. Jason, the lawyer, gave his advice which would have landed us in court. I summed up the situation: from my perspective this was a lot more about a lover scorned than a wrongful dismissal. Her intuition and mine were sent spinning like compasses at the North Pole by my buddy’s incongruent actions over the years. What he felt did not match what he said and did. Somehow the two ladies knew it. I tapped in, to I don’t know what, but very confidently recommended that my buddy write her an email and apologize as authentically as he could. He is a gifted writer, I reminded him. She is smart. To be effective it would have to be authentic. Lawyer did not like that idea: beware authentic communication. Jason was pointedly advising against emailing her directly. My buddy recognized that I was his biggest supporter in this difficulty. He was reluctant. Daring to defy legal counsel and take the advice of a woman who wanted the very best for him and a divorce simultaneously, he chose to take my advice. I delivered my counsel with peace and calm. I let go any attachment to whether he took it or not. I knew it was the highest course of action. His writing that apology meant a lot to me…still does. I think he understood my gifts. Gift of being human that is. Maybe just garden variety intuition but a great example where credentials can get in the way of the best action. I hold a strong belief that good communication skills – transparency, honesty, authenticity – and taking responsibility for your actions would make the entire Legal system obsolete. Sounds simple, right? A day after sending, I felt a click -do not know how to describe it. I informed my buddy, it was over. So cool. I felt it. I was certain. She would settle now. He received notice the next day.

Our little legal escapade landed less than $20K, I may have forgotten the detail here, in Flora’s pocket. Her lawyer made about $90,000. Good for him!

If she had been capable of gaining perspective on her unfortunate situation and taken her share of the responsibility, she might have experienced a very different result – maybe even avoiding the emotional ordeal altogether. Remember Otto? He saw the writing on the wall in the first months. What was different between Otto and Flora? Affairs of the heart I guess.

I am not even sure how her life went from there. I do hope for the best for her. Life has its challenges. I would welcome an opportunity to discuss this with her someday.

Addendum: As I wrote this, I was reminded of a quote that had a big impact on me during that time. I have been unsuccessful in tracking it down. It was something about how you can love anyone. The capacity for love is within yourself. It rang true to me and resulted in the years long lag in definitively deciding to end my marriage. I optimistically searched within myself for what was lacking.

I thought about that a lot. I took it to mean that until you have yourself sorted out, you will be unable to love another. If you get to a place of balanced self-love, you will be able to love anyone. Because all you need comes from within you. So I was waiting around in my marriage with the intention of transforming myself and thus the marriage simultaneously. I was calling in my buddy all the while. I was slow to notice that he was not on board with this. He was not interested in taking action or making change. He was so busy so things just stayed the same for him. I kept taking responsibility all by myself for the marriage thinking I just had to get my own act together and everything would fall into place. I did not hold him accountable to his choices for a long time. Eventually, I noticed him choosing not to change. I took it as a challenge, not unlike my Medical patients. How do I inspire him to be his best, most balanced self? He did not share that dream. Wondering if what I saw in him was just my own qualities. When I kept feeling like an elephant was sitting on my chest, the sham of my marriage could not be ignored any longer. Like in Medical practice: spitting into the wind. Parting ways was authentic. Love was not missing, it was more like how I love a relative.

2nd Moral of the Story: You can only change yourself. Spending time trying to influence the change of others is spitting into the wind. Fun by some people’s standards. There is a time to stay and a time to go. Your feelings will point the way…

I have a short update to add here:
This past Christmas, I received a long letter from Flora sent via Facebook message. The pertinent feelings she described that I feel are relevant to include.
1. She wanted me to know how much I harmed her. It was still present to her over 5 years following the events.
2. She was making the best of a bad situation. Expressing how hard it is being a divorced woman. Despite the fact that she had a long term boyfriend in her life. Her words I imagined could hurt her current partner. Somehow, she still gave the impression of being in “survival mode”.
She ended with some anticipation that I would reject her expressing herself.
I answered her promptly. Right away, I addressed my feeling that her truth was as valid as mine. I reflected that I was sad to learn she still carried those feelings. I saw them as disempowering yet I did not write that.
I shared with her that I enjoyed being single. I felt it was authentic for me so far.
I finished by sharing with her that I fully accept 1/3 of the responsibility, not the 100% she gave to my parenting partner and I.
This was our first interaction since the dramatic events.

Otto update:
Otto had children with the same marriage partner of that time. A Psychiatrist.
He chose the same French Immersion School that I (we) did.
So I had many fun conversations with him over the years.
He drove past my house a couple of weeks ago. It was clarified that a couple of years ago, he moved to a home a block away from my own.
This recent conversation was very connecting and authentic.
The topic of Flora came up. He shared how he spent many hours back at the time putting together arguments (sharing them with my parenting partner) in how letting Flora go would benefit the Eye Centre. News to me. Otto and Flora working together pre-dates the Eye Centre by years.
We have now vowed to collaborate more in the near future as we discovered are current passions have a lot of overlap. When I shared my passion to upgrade the Psychiatric System, he wondered if his wife would be interested.
I chose to send a link for them both for my reporter-styled story about Peer-Assisted Open Dialogue, up and running in England. I have a working relationship with the lead Psychiatrist, Russell Razzaque. I call myself an International expert on how to enable and empower people experiencing psychological/psychiatric distress and crisis.
Years of following my curiosity has allowed ideas about solutions to find me.
I shared a lighthearted dream that I wanted to collaborate with Canada’s Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau. I feel an opportunity exists to save millions of dollars in providing Healthcare. By empowering individuals to “do it themselves” as much as possible. Take the burden off over-whelmed caregivers.
Turns out, Otto, went to Boarding School in Montréal with …
Anyone want to guess?
Justin Trudeau.
Amazing that I was only learning this fact days before my trip to France.
It is in France that I write this update.
It is relevant to experiences I am having here.

There is a Miracle in this.
My translation of miracle: truth not yet optimally perceived.
I focus on being my authentic self.
I will find out where that takes me.
In time.
Optimal timing.

You were not born to use this life to refine or improve yourself. You were born to use this life as a canvas to paint yourself across. You cannot be certified to do this. You do not need a college degree to do this. You were qualified from the day you first drew breath. We do not understand that we came into this life qualified to live it. Teal Swan

I had just completed reading an article about Michelle Obama in the Sept. 24, 2012 Maclean`s Magazine. The grabline on the front cover was, Why Michelle Obama is Bad for Women.

Crystal Heath – Coely

OK, that really grabbed my attention. I read the first paragraph of the article where it was described that Michelle walked on the stage to the tune of Stevie Wonder singing, Signed, Sealed, Delivered. The reporter chose to notice as it reflected such a different tone to the Isn’t She Lovely preceding her 2008 speech. Angèle was easily distracted. Just wait, you will see…

Before getting into paragraph two, I am on You Tube looking for a really cool cover of the same song. Approximately 10 seconds later, paydirt! Jamiroquai…so much funkier –even though Stevie Wonder is pretty funky. Jamiroquai put a cool twist on it by playing it faster than its original: lovely musical display. Moments later, I am posting it on Facebook.

I saw Michelle Obama on Ellen. It had been a while but a Simple Pleasure that for years I enjoyed, was taping two Ellen shows per week and watching the monologue. Rarely would I sit through the guest interviews – but there have been some great ones. I just love Ellen`s sensibility – discernment. I am surprised to see there was more than one option with Michelle Obama. The one I recall was with Michelle and Ellen comparing how many pushups each could perform in a row.

I always love to throw out that silly side of life to balance the serious stuff. This ended with more Jamiroquai explorations leading to posting another of their songs in the comment chain of the Facebook post, God Made Me Funky. Loved this so much as I truly resonate with this simple proclamation.

Marjorie carried the Olympic Torch through Edmonton on its way to Vancouver in 2010!! Our Cover Girl…

Of course, I am curious if I can keep up to the First Lady in the pushup department. No, apparently not. I am the wiser for exploring this. It brought attention to my history with Marjorie O`Connor. She is an amazing spirit with a Beautiful energy she shares by both leading Fitness classes and training Fitness instructors. I had heard a lot of rave reviews over recent years. I read an article about her in Edmonton Magazine which makes her a local celebrity. I was inspired by her even before we met. Years ago, I signed up for one of her `MOC`classes …MOC=her initials. She had devised very efficient moves, MOC moves, that worked two or three muscle groups at once…and guided us with fun energy. She is very knowledgeable about Fitness science in an extremely holistic way. I arrived early to my first class, rarely am ever early, that enabled us to have a brief one on one conversation: right away wondering about taking the Instructor Course with her. She complimented me on my physique as I am already looking fine– you really have to hear my dear friend, Karen over-pronounce this with a Southern United States drawl – that is how I always say it in my mind. Thank you, darling! It was a good year and a half later before I actually did take the course with Marjorie. To be completely honest with myself, I took it more to get out of the house for a couple of weekends as it was the time when my parenting partner was living under the same roof with me but bedrooms were long separate. He was due to move out within a month of this training. It was a little headstart in our shared parenting patterns to come. Not that I didn’t enjoy the instructor classes…because I did. It was so fun the way Marjorie taught the various muscle names. She really should teach at Medical School! Just observing the contrast was incredible. I recall one hands on exercise we did. We were given the names of all the relevant muscles written on sticky notes. Then we chose one in our group to be the person whom we stuck the notes on the accompanying muscle of their body. A little humbling because those darn quadriceps: you really can`t distinguish one from the other – after a decade. Even in practice, I would not have recalled the specific name of each one. My group did really well…but not 100%. My own insecurity wondered if I had not disappointed them just a little. Well, that’s their problem! It just did not come up often enough to require this knowledge to be at the ready. So much – almost all? – of what we learn is not really all that important to what we do in our credentialed roles. Reflecting on Education/Systems/Bureaucracy was a longstanding hobby. I found myself looking on the AFCL website, the Official Governing Body for Fitness Instructors in Alberta. I noticed that the published list of credentialed instructors was shockingly short. Of course, everybody is leading Fitness Classes without credentials….ooooooo!

I continued to ponder these topics in light of the Fitness Instructor world. I have always thought it might be fun to lead a fitness class. I toy with “what would Angèle’s class be like?” I enjoy music so much. So, definitely, my class would not overlook the musical choices. There would be great discernment in the musical accompaniment. I see the poster now, “Bring your Cowgirl to the Rec. Centre for a Rompin’ workout” or something with this hint at my love for country music. One of the most sincere compliments I gave to Marjorie was her awesome and meticulous care with her music. She had many playlists on her ipod. Every week she would hold to a themein the music. We were treated to 80’s one week, club music the next etc. Her musical exploration often hit the mark for me – reminding me of long forgotten favorites. I noticed my resistance to just copying Marjorie’s style. It would be extremely authentic for me to do this same weekly themed style. I love exclusivity…to my peril sometimes.

I notice that all of the other participants in the course are already leading a fitness class in some capacity. I always find a way to be unique. As people learned of my attendance in the courses, several acquaintances wanted to be on the list to participate in future Fitness work that I might do. I just could not fully see it in my mind’s eye…unless it was on a Cruise Ship. Alas, the dream peeks out…

I discussed with everyone I came into contact this issue of credentials in relation to Fitness Instructor but also the wider professional world.

Arguments for why we need these Governing Bodies that issue the sought after credentials:

Protect the public – presumably from bad moves? Bad music? Injuries? This makes some sense. I have often been in exercise classes where someone was a bit concerned, scared, about the moves in light of their physical condition.

Insurance Companies require you to be fully certified before they will insure your business. Hmmmm…not connecting to this logic. Fear of being sued is in the air.

Maintain high quality – because without the Governing Body, we might not have high quality. Hmmmm. Not connecting to this logic. People with passion tend to deliver high quality. People who are not high quality will have problems attracting and keeping clients.

Despite all of these concerns, many classes get taught without credentials…gasp! I decide that this logic really extends to all professions, right?

Well, I have some experience in the Medical Profession. There has always been a more high profile discussion of the Medical Governing Bodies. How capable are they of protecting the public? orMaintaining high quality? I don’t want to tell stories in this area but I have not been all that impressed that they are able to do this- despite their beautiful intentions. In a nutshell, few individuals have the balls to call a spade a spade. If you know what I mean. I will spare you the details. I urge you to think of your own experiences. Have you noticed this, too?

I find myself exploring the Individual’s Responsibility. Can each of us commit to making these decisions for ourselves? We have been led to believe that we are not capable. As a Basement Philosopher, and a spiritually connected being, I put my foot down. We are so much more capable than we have been led to believe. As a society, we are likely pretty comfortable, most of us, to honor ourselves with the capability of having enough discernment to know whether we have confidence in the abilities of a Fitness Instructor. How does this change for Doctor? Lawyer? Chiropractor? Dentist? Restaurant? Movie? Generally, we make a relationship with a service provider. We will monitor how we feel in this relationship. Do I leave feeling empowered, on the right track? Do I trust this person/service? As I continue obtaining services, am I receiving the benefit that I was hoping to? Believe me, I have heard so many people who came to me as a Physician who held strong feelings about these questions related to an experience they had with another Service Provider. They always have free will to make another choice if their initial one did not work out. People exercise that choice every single day.

Are our assessment tools fine-tuned enough? My sense is that for most people they are not all that fine tuned. Partly because Society sets us up to rely on these Governing Bodies. I question our blind faith in this area. My hypothesis: we all have the capability to be far more discerning on our own behalf than any bureaucratic organization could ever hope to be. The bureaucracies are forced to lump data. They need to assume that there is an average citizen/human with attributes that can be extrapolated to the masses. I believe that this is not true. Remember that good old Bell Curve? Lord help me when I was introduced to this concept. It put the fear of death into me! Upon completing High School, we heard about how the marks in University were designed to fall into the Bell Curve. A specified percentage would receive the top mark of 9 out of 9, a slightly larger chunk could receive the 8 etc. There was a system to rank and sort. Likely this is all very different today but the Bell Curve does give an example that for almost any attribute, there is not just one option for its expression. In Medicine, I think this really complicates the entire science. We do research to attempt to objectify the best treatments and understanding of our Human Body. But, the number of variables is enormous!! We don’t know what we don’t know.

One of the very many grave disappointments I have experienced practising Medicine…

Somewhere along the way, we thought it is a good idea to prevent illness. Agreed. One of the strategies is to go for your annual checkup. There are many good outcomes from this annual checkup:

Develop a relationship with your Doctor – Yes

Be screened for some of the more common medical ailments – Yes

Catch an illness early in its natural history to begin treatment promptly, hopefully preventing complications – yes, seems like a good idea.

Monitor the Medical Research coming in constantly to be customized to your particular health attributes – Yes.

Educate you in Health Related matters – presumably tailored to your sex/age group and any other factors – profession etc.

There are likely many other points one could make here but this list gives an idea. As an example, I thought a fair amount about Post-Menapausal Care. I had a lot of women in my practice requiring this information. Well, I practiced for five years full-time. I started to get embarrassed when the Hormone Replacement

Your perspective may not see the whole picture…

Therapy changed almost annually. The changes were great extremes. It really left me losing full faith in our Medical Research. My own definition of Science and Medicine was based on the idea that Truth was coming out of it. This particular topic shook my foundation of trust. We really did not have all of the information to make a scientifically backed fully informed choice. I had to handle the questions…and my patients were darned smart. They would leave me scratching my head almost daily. I did not have the answers. I consider myself to have high integrity…and I did not know too much. Once I started to lose faith in Medical Scientific Research, it was not an easy job to continue doling it out. And those smart patients kept asking good questions. The ones who were not asking were relying on blind faith that I could hand over a prescription with the magic pills that would make it aaaaaall better… The blinders were fully installed. They were unwilling to commit to health. They were sold on the sickness model. They allowed sickness to intertwine with their own identity. This hurt me deeply. It gave impetus for me to read around personal growth. How could I inspire my patients to commit to health by committing to themselves? This was my focus in my later years in practice. Such a long career too…

I feared litigation – as all Doctors do. You would be shocked! So along with what I hoped might assuage my Soul, I towed the party line too. This was not easy. By the end, I had great difficulty writing prescriptions. I did not have a better solution at the ready however. I doubted myself…a lot. I just wrung my hands together day after day. I found pleasure in my interactions with people, don’t get me wrong. I did not really think I was suffering. I was contemplating...a lot.

Within the Medical Profession, there are a lot of Philosophers and good people. There were such beautiful exchanges on a very regular basis. Most Doctors have such high intentions to do their patients right. They so, so earnestly want the best for their patients. Among Doctors, we cannot deny that the healthiest patients would not have prescribed medicines in their lives. I recall deeply aligning with the practice of simply requesting the patient to bring in all of their orally consumed substances aside from food– medicine, vitamins, nutriceuticals & other. Through this simple practice, I felt I delivered some of my best care. It shocks me to this day how little patients understood their medications: when and how to take them. Why they are taking them. How many times would I uncover duplication of drugs and general mayhem. Truly the job of a pharmacy assistant but oh, so important. I enjoyed opening the brown bags to see what mysteries would unfold…and be clarified for patients. I would then try to lower dosages or remove medications. Most patients were reluctant and afraid to do this. My mom recounts one of her clients tooting my horn for how much I helped a family member during my first locum in Lacombe, Alberta, with this simple strategy – taught to me by the Geriatricians. Simple advice is often the best advice. Hmmmmm…

From the ancient Hippocratic Oath: First Do No Harm is a Medical Dictum.

The patients rarely would admit to the other category of pharmacologically active substances. We had to guess at those – alcohol for example. I was a master at this – but doubted myself every step of the way. Denial is such a nasty life partner. Alcohol and denial go hand in hand.

This reminds me of a story! Imagine that. I once had a patient who came in fairly regularly – not uncommon. But it did not take long for me to feel confused about what was really going on. I noted a strong odor of Listerine accompanied him on each visit. Against all medical propriety, I secretly threw on a blood alcohol level to his bloodwork requisition one day. I doubted myself so much. Yet, I wanted that objective data. Well, I got it – of course. He was loaded. I did not say anything about the blood test. I just asked about alcohol intake in a seemingly routine way. He did not bite…Ok, now we dance. I just handled the situation as he presented it with each visit, always looking for an opportunity to address the real issues. We eventually got to talk more in reality mode once he had his Driver’s License taken away and he was in legal trouble with an impaired driving charge. I had rarely been called into a Court of Law on behalf of a patient. It was very common to write a report for the purposes of the Legal System. The report usually sufficed. This troubled gentleman and I had a good rapport. He was fighting his court case related to his alcohol use and his lawyer chose to include me in the case. This was not essential but I came to understand, he was hoping that our good relationship would put his client in a better light as a recovered alcoholic. Well, I am always enthusiastic for new experiences. I get to go to a St. Albert courtroom for the second time in my life…and this time, I was not the accused! Life is so interesting. I was the expert witness. Bizarre. Gotta’ love that paradox…

I was a bit nervous at the prospect of being cross-examined. The kind lawyer representing my patient assured me that I just had to objectively answer the questions as they were posed. OK, that sounded easy. I was reassured…and actually kind of excited. My mom was a lawyer so I had been to court just for the experience along with her a few times – at the big law courts in Edmonton. It is easy to see why TV shows like to depict the Legal and Medical Systems – there is a lot of drama on display. It was not all that dramatic in my turn as the expert witness. In a nutshell, the prosecuting lawyer’s questions revolved around what chances did I see for my patient to fall off the wagon. Well, I am honest to a fault so the only real answer was I have no idea. He asked, “With alcohol use that has resulted in Legal difficulties, is there not a high rate of recidivism?” He used that word – pretty fancy. I do not recall but would not be surprised if I had to request a definition. Did I know the meaning of recidivism (to return to the same behavior) at the time? It was my understanding that looking at a similar population, there would be a high rate of recidivism. It was a short experience. I did not think too much about it. I never saw that patient again. I was left with the feeling that every single visit he had with me was for the purposes of this legal problem. Every single one: a ruse. I have no idea if he chose to be a statistic or transformed his life in any real way. Weeks later, I got some feedback about the courtroom experience – completely unexpected. My mom did her Articling in St. Albert so knew the Legal crowd. In her travels as a lawyer in Edmonton, she crossed paths with the prosecuting lawyer who cross examined me. Apparently, he was very impressed. Really? What is the big deal? My mom felt that it was a very authentic “surprise” to him at how Professional I seemed. He had rarely encountered an “expert witness” of my colors. He just was in shock at how honest I was. Is honesty really that rare? My biggest answer was “I Don’t Know”. Remember, this phrase is crazy powerful. It is so often the most honest answer. Listen to me now, believe me later. I recall that my patient’s lawyer was also very impressed. Somehow, the case went very much in the favor of giving this guy a break. I certainly refused to take any responsibility for the patient’s future choices. As much as I declared I would support him through his journey of recovery. The best part of it was my mom being so honored. I read between the lines. She did not say it…and did not need to. Yes, I was fortunate to have fantastic models for integrity and honesty in both of my parents. It was a nice moment to share with my mom. My little kindergartner self loved being positively acknowledged…by her mum. Certainly, we never really know what impact we have on the people we interact with. The most important person to impress is always ourselves. I am easily impressed at times.

Wrote: September 2012

Was a little manic when I wrote this. Maybe you noticed…
It can serve as a wee case report. The manic mind is a mysterious thing…or not. Flight of ideas, easily distracted, disjointed thinking, easily excited to enthusiasm, elevated mood. All here. I chose to leave it as it stands. Removed a few things. I really enjoyed writing this one and the accompanying Facebook Post. When I am manic, I enjoy everything. Call me crazy… it is official after all.

Add July 5, 2014:

Point #1 of this unusual collection of thoughts and stories: You can get a whole lot of training to say “I don’t know”. The more training you get, the more powerful your “I don’t know” is. I wonder if there is a better way to go about this?

Point #2: If we all tap into our inner knowing, it bypasses a lot of the bureaucratic administration of knowledge. We can align to the highest version of ourselves. We would each follow our passions and out of our own integrity develop skills and services that would serve the world at the highest level. As more and more people do this, society would be fully served. We would take responsibility for ourselves: both as service providers and as clients etc. Choice would be our power.

Everything is valid and everything is truthful, because Law of Attraction lets everything be. The question is not whether it’s right or wrong, whether their approach is right or wrong, or whether my approach is right or wrong. The question is: Does their approach feel good to me? And if it doesn’t, then I choose a different approach.

Does that make sense? Too simple for you? I ascribe a harmonious life to ease, grace and listening to my inner knowing. Inner knowing could be thought of as following your gut. Our inner knowing may choose to take a course or training program. But I believe we have come to push people into this training system when it may not match their purpose and passion…to our detriment. I believe this wholeheartedly. Of course, it is often not perceived as easy or graceful to follow this philosophy in our current Society setup. Consider that harmony can include comfortable and uncomfortable experiences. I believe that all experiences are for our highest good…when we let go and allow what is here. Follow your own inner compass. Paradox… is good.

The beginning of a school year: it marks a new season for families with kids in the school system. New routines are formed. Fall 2012 three kids entered a new Grade, two started new schools. The entry into both Junior High and High School are significant milestones. Add in riding the city bus independently for Jacques, Grade 7, as another important moment. Obtained his first cell phone as did his sister before him upon entry to Grade 7. Jean-Luc would ride the bus without his older brother watching over him … and walking him to and fro – one block.

Powerful-Swimmer-by-Junya-Nishigawa-httpbit.lyTAAC5v.jpg

He would walk from the bus stop alone – oooooh.

Each child started their new chapter with optimism and excitement.

R.E.M. “It’s the End of the World”. This is true in every moment, is it not? Loving that Elise noticed this song as we drove to her Orientation Day at High School. She was smiling as she enjoyed the repurposing of this term– taking the positive spin. This is always a choice for each and every one of us.

It is contagious, for sure. Each year, I form my own new chapter. Over the years, it had taken many shapes. Fall 2012 I started to carve routines that would nurture some writing – enjoying this beyond belief. Could this truly be my life? Oh yes, tis. I committed to return to the Masters Swimming twice a week at my longtime club. Their first workout fell on the first day of school. I had participated in different ways with this group for over ten years. Wow! Usually, in September there is great enthusiasm in the first few weeks which can result in four swimmers to a lane. The first day of school 2012 did not require more than two to a lane– awesome! I sensed myself crafting an “Ode to Swimming” -you are now reading it- as I did the drills.

I fondly remembered back to the fateful day when I saw a fellow Doc -it is a bit of a club- swimming some lengths as I bobbed in the teach pool with a preschooler and a toddler. My comrad was one year ahead in medical school. His class was affectionately termed by my group as the class of 89 percent, class of ’89. His stroke was soooo smooth. He could breathe on both sides -bilateral breathing- oooooh. I took notice. I did not know him all that well. We had both traveled in a large group of medical students for a ski trip way back when –steep and deep as I recall the snow conditions- so I recognized him. Being Angèle, I approached to tell him how impressed I was and how did he learn to swim so nicely, front crawl? He was charming and relayed his participation with the Masters Swimming Program at the Club. Join us Monday nights! OK. I loved being personally invited. Well I turned up and realized that as much as I have always felt great comfort in the water, I would never drown, I actually did not know how to swim all that well. Or maybe I should say, I did not know how to breathe in the water while I move my body. Quite funny. Well, it was quickly determined that I would take a few private lessons with the Coach before returning to the group. Meeting Coach was and continues to be a real treat. She is one of those diamonds in the rough. She actually functions as the Recreation Manager at the club but her prior career was swim coach – a darned good one from all accounts. Passions do not die so way back she started coaching a group once a week, Monday nights. Over time it had slowly evolved to two nights per week, two mornings per week and one or two extreme mornings per week -6am to suit the working stiffs. Not sure if she had delegated any of these groups. We are all disappointed when delegation does occur – as life has its ways. She brings an energy to the pool that is sorely missed in her absence. Our swim group has evolved to a book club/social club – and Coach is right in there like a dirty shirt. In fact, last year my participation only included the social events – hard to believe. So I had constant reminders that I was welcomed to rejoin anytime. Starts now (then) baby…

Back to the first private lesson: I was told that judging by the look of my stroke it was a loooong time ago that I learned to swim. “We do not teach that way anymore” and haven’t for a long time now. So just by a couple of swim strokes, I have dated myself. Coach just roars in laughter without inhibition – nice. I was humbled. We all need this from time to time. OK, Ms. Coach, teach me! She did. She was quick to note that I am athletic and learned at a fast pace – yeah for me! I rejoined the group. And it was good. It was very

Cover Girls March 2007. We took a lot of heat for this pic…

good. At the onset, my idea was that I needed to learn to swim so that maybe someday, that day has yet to arrive, I could do a Triathalon. I recall overhearing Coach as I was swimming in one of our early lessons say to someone that “this one thinks she can do a triathalon”- probably thinking that I could not hear. Her voice has a beautiful quality that just carries through the water miraculously. So handy for a swim coach. It was kind-hearted and honest. I can only assume that swimming a triathalon was not the image I was displaying. Many years later, I can confirm my correct assessment of that situation. I cannot even count the number of times I have heard Coach say, “You think you are bad, you should have seen Angèle when she first started” as she is giving the common pep talk that we all need from time to time. The first time I heard it, I could only cock my head to the side. Hmmmm?

I love Coach so much. Her joy and enthusiasm for people comes through in her coaching. I would call her a coaching addict – thank the Lord for that! She is authentic and honest so I loved hearing that I am one of her greatest success stories. She uses my example to encourage the downhearted swimmers that come through the group. I embrace my history…

I did actually fit right in by then– and had for a long time. But we all start at the beginning.

Back to the first swim September 2012: we are instructed to do a couple of front crawl ladders. Do 25 meters, 50, 75, 100 with 10 seconds rest between. Then 1 minute and do it again. I catch myself remembering how big – for me– it was, way back in time, to just swim 100 meters without stopping. This was a huge milestone. You do have to learn to breathe for this – and doing it elegantly from whatever side helps a lot. I applaud myself for seeing the beauty in my comrad’s stroke so many years ago. And casting all pride aside as I clawed my way to becoming a swimmer. I have come to love the flow of the water as I swim. I remember being so drawn to Coach’s words, “When you are a good swimmer, you can go any speed”. Sometimes it is great to go long and slow, other times hard and fast is right: Metaphor for Life…
We end our workout this first day with 25 meter sprints -only four. I am all in for the first two – not bad. I impress myself. Who else is there to impress?

Participant from the 2008 Tour d’Alberta – from their Facebook Page. Wanted to show the fields…a multisensory experience.

Through swimming, I have learned a lot about myself. I tended, in past years, to be one of the lazier in the group. It really is not an insult as the group was a bunch of bloody superstars – Triathletes, marathoners, bike racers etc.. I was just fondly remembering a fellow swimmer telling me at a social event last year about biking the 170 km version of the Tour d’Albertawhich produced some painful blisters on her ?*@& (you know) – ouch! My story was riding the 50km version in 2011. As I had not been on the road bike that year, it seemed a good choice. Coming into the last 10km I was assured it was the right one for me. I absolutely loved it!! The smell of Canola, Mustard and Wheat fields around Morinville, North of Edmonton – so good. The half-way mark was lunch in Legal with my French Canadian Brethren. Meat pie was included along with many other treats. Running out of energy was not at risk. Loved the tour format as opposed to a race- Beautiful. I certainly spent a bit of energy wondering if I could do it – the full 100km. Sometimes the only way to know is just to do it. I registered on site and quickly snapped at the 50km option – no training, I tell myself. 2012, Elise and I were all pumped to go on our mountain bikes, 50km –a small step in difficulty compared to the road bike last year. Just prior to going to bed the night before, I look on the website and see that I am off by one week. The Tour was the week prior!! Well, Elise and I proceeded the next day to do our own tour– much shorter and started at 2pm rather than 10am – all good. There was no meat pie but we enjoyed it a lot.

Back to swimming: Returning after my little hiatus allowed me to check myself against myself. I should not be surprised but I am coming off quite a bit fitter/keener/more energetic/ not a word of complaint. Wow! What was the difference? My mindset was different. I reflected. I had just watched a little ad from MindValley, an internet publishing company, on the Silva Method. José Silva was an electrician and noted how less resistance allowed better flow of energy in electrical appliances. He extrapolated this to human consciousness. He developed methods and tools to enable the human mind to function better and at a higher level through reducing resistance. Funny that I am thinking of José Silva as I compare myself to myself in swimming. I recognized that my resistance to so many things was either gone or dramatically reduced. As a result, I had so much energy available for other things. I remarked that I was so much more coachable this day than I had ever been before. In everything, I was reborn. I needed to rediscover myself and what I was capable of. I saw it as a benefit to think this way of myself in every moment. Do not let past experience limit the present.

One of the drills was pull buoys and paddles. Front crawl/arms only. Focus on long and smooth. 80% effort. I remember in the early days swimming with the group and only capable of 100% because otherwise I would sink or drown or something. Today that 80% really registers and I can do this. Even in more recent years, I was usually nearly fully used up by the second half of the workout, I was pushing to complete in any form that I could. I would even leave the workout early if energy was low or ran out. Coach always had something to say but I am pretty determined once I make a decision. I can remember feeling a little faint during showers post swim workout regularly. I was all used up. Not this time. I ended the first two workouts with energy to spare – big time! I had noted in conversation after the first workout, that I made a mindset shift. I was determined not to try to calculate whether I could do a drill or not or whether I might be unable to fully participate in the drill or not or whether I would be sore or fatigued later in the day following. I would just do it and be truly in the moment. I would be whatever I would be – no effort to try to look ahead. I would not judge it in any way. I would just do it and make any decision in the moment with no regard to past history. I would not spend any time wondering whether I would be sore etc. Start anew…mindset.

It felt a little like which came first, the chicken or the egg but my perception was once I drop all resistance to being fit/energetic/positive/having fun/growing/learning etc, etc., I just was fit/energetic/positive/having fun/growing/learning etc. I really looked wide in my life and knew that I was using up a lot of energy denying the truth, not acting for my highest good that I was a less fit version of myself as a result. I got great satisfaction from a good hard swim during times of frustration but never like this week.

Getting back to the specific example: we did 50 meters of the drill 10 times (500 meters). We were to count how many strokes we take each length -25 metres. I overheard Coach, through the water – remember, telling another swimmer that “28 is too many strokes”.

Several in the group swam 2014 Sharkfest 2.4km from Alcatraz to the shore.

Oh yeah, let me count, “23”. Coach gives me the one tip of the two I get through the last two workouts that were specific to me. Next length, I count 20. Nice improvement. I get it down to 18? Really? Maybe I lost track of counting but I do not think so. That was amazing! I guess swimming for ten years does make me more coachable but mindset seemed the premiere reason. I remembered how hard it is to count strokes when you are focusing on so many other things – maybe a bit fatigued. It was as easy as pie today. I was guilty of trying “too hard” and “overbreathing” – funny comments from my past. But I clearly look back and see how well earned those comments were -talking the early years before Jean-Luc came along in 2004. It was one fateful Monday night when I entered the pool for a workout and left within five minutes, went home. The first thing I did was a pregnancy test – I was pregnant. Not feeling capable of a swim workout was my first sign of pregnancy that time around. Just today I was swimming alongside a wonderful lady seven and a half months pregnant. She pickled and canned her garden veggies with all of her extra energy. I was impressed! Many of the women have done it over the years, but somehow, that was not going to be me. Story “Doctor Heal Thyself” talks about that some more. Will publish when inspiration hits.

I had swam so many workouts with Coach. They are never the same way twice. I have always marveled this amazing fact. On the first swim, she came up with a drill that I had never done before. The pull buoy was between our ankles. We were pulling with our bare hands -no paddles. This will put more emphasis on the core muscles – oh no. This drill reminded me why it is good to do a plank once in a while. I am fishtailing a bit – sign of weak core she said. So funny. I go home and assume the position – plank. Now I am motivated to add a plank-filled minute or two once in a while to my routine. I entertain myself if nothing else. If I am laughing, it is good. I was laughing as Jacques, son, tried to sit on me while I was planking – the laugh actually adds to the workout- so good. And the 110 pounds ends the plank!

Well one of the very best things to come out of my swim career is meeting one of my dearest friends. I do not want to downplay meeting Coach and all the other beautiful people that swim with us. I could write a book about them all. It is always amazing when you find a new friend that just enters your heart instantly and will never budge.

Coach, Friend and I October 2012

My fellow swimmer is one of those rare friends for me. I proclaimed myself as her sister one day not that long after. Her infectious, characteristic laugh has warmed my heart ever since I met her in 2006. We both vibrate in the memory of our friendship unfolding. It was not through our kids but in participating in an activity that was just for ourselves that we met. If you have been paying attention…that was swimming. We both had kids just under two years old so that was one of the similarities that we discovered. I will never forget the fateful day in the hot tub when the deep commitment to each other was made… without words. I was so tickled and complimented when she said that she was soooo surprised that I was trained as a Doctor. She would have pegged me as a sales rep. or something. So interesting. And so true. I evade definition. I have always known that. Well she is the very same. She, in her former life, was trained as a teacher. She left the Principal track to pursue life as a mother and wife to her Physician/MBA husband – her man is a unique blend also – and a million other things, gotta hate labels. We love to pontificate the finer nuances of life together. My little hobby of Education Advocacy fit nicely with her amazing experiences in the Education Systems in Ontario, Manitoba, British Columbia and Alberta – solely as a parent in Alberta. There is not a topic that we have not covered. We can go right back to our teenaged selves in a heartbeat – we love that! There is nothing like a friend that can take you everywhere there is to go in this world in one conversation. She is that friend for me. We go to each other in all times – good, bad and ugly. We see our future brighter with each other in it. I think it is love.

September 6, 2012: Kids come home from school – I am distracted from whatever I was working on. I captured this interesting hot tub conversation into my Sept. 6, 2012 word doc. I copy it here as it includes an interesting post- swim workout conversation.

As I write, two neighbor boys are here playing with my two sons. I do not think the Easy Button has had a moment’s rest. “That was easy” is spoken out loud by a calm deep man’s voice upon pushing a large, red button marked easy. It is part of a Staples campaign: very addictive!! That was easy…

Conversation in the hot tub after my second swim workout of the season with my coached masters group: there was a lineup for the showers so jump in the hot tub! I was there with three others – fellow swimmers. I have known two of them for years, they are lawyers. One would be enjoying the next year as inactive with the bar and the other would be re-entering the bar – or legal society or whatever they call it – in three months. She would need to retake the big exam and pay huge reinstatement fees as she had been parenting four children born across seven years – like me except squeezed an extra bundle of love in there. Mirroring my own domestic changes, her family had taken on the two household variety. I asked both of them what type of law they practice. One was employed by a large Construction Firm in town so tailored to their needs. The other called her past work litigation with the view to more exposure to other general law when the job would start three months down the line. I ask what they thought about the Collaborative Style of practice. I was tickled by the back and forth. They deemed Collaboration as only useful in Family Law. I questioned this promptly. They said that only in Family matters are both parties invested in the outcome. Really? I put it out there that everyone could benefit if they chose to go there. I believe this could have a huge impact in the world. They retorted back that the clients decide. I asked them to entertain that the lawyers could also choose to decide. I did not get a chance to share that I found a lawyer that made the personal choice to limit her practice to Collaborative only. Begged another conversation with my cherished Collaborative Lawyer, sits beside me in the administration of my marital change. How would she respond to their statements? If the only kind of lawyers non-family clients can find are the confrontational complete with ‘winners’ and ‘losers’ kind, then of course, they will choose this. Not sure I would call that a choice though. Does anyone know there is an alternative? Somehow I did. My mom worked, as a lawyer with the Federal Government at the time, with my lawyer’s husband – connections. One of the swimming lawyers asked with authentic interest where did I get my ideas from? I answer, “the Universe”. I am quickly informed with a lighthearted tone that I am in the wrong generation– alluding to hippies I presume. Really? The third lady piped in, oh, you want world peace. Summed it up nicely…
I admit that I do – amazing that she went there. More by vibration because the words did not say it. Love this song Ghandi Rap- Be The Change about fellow Lawyer, Mahatma Ghandi. This discourse tickled me silly. My ability to see the humor in all situations was huge and new. Jacques, my son, had really noted it. I felt the change in myself. I did not have to convince anyone of anything. I did feel this way and I was not afraid to share my opinion – yeah for me! I know one of them will never remember the conversation and maybe the other will come back to me to discuss more. I could be sure that everyone was respected – by me anyway. It was a fun exchange. Transformed, I am … in the stylings of Yoda. Felt great! I am an ex-activist. I would just be myself- so good! Nobody gets hurt…

Wrote early September 2012

June 29, 2014

This piece was written about a month and a half before my first Manic Episode. I was on my way up. I recall saying at one of the next swim workouts, while waiting in line for a shower, “I am going up … and I am taking everyone with me.” I still feel it … even when I am not crazy.

The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.– Albert Camus

For as long as I can remember, OK maybe it was my late 20’s, I got hooked to the dream of Freedom 45. There was an advertising campaign for a financial company that promised Freedom 55 on television commercials. “Work with us and you can be financially free by 55 years of age”. Ooooo…a full decade before the commonly held expectation of 65 years. I had been working for three years as a Family Doctor at this point. I had quickly retired my Student Loan with my first locum, two months long, in Lacombe, Alberta.

Digression alert! I thought I worked hard as a training Doctor. That first week in practice was a real eye opener. I think I was disturbed every night for the first four nights. In training, we were usually on call one in every three nights. Can be a little grueling to say the least. With this locum, work for other doctors while they take a much needed vacation, they were even calling me the night before I officially started! July 1 is Canada Day – a holiday- so I was due to start July 2. Well the first Doctor that I happened to be covering for was the largest volume Obstetrics practice in town, the only woman. I get a call at 10PM July 1, 1992 and it is the hospital. Come in, there is a baby to be delivered. What? Are you kidding? Apparently they were not…

Maybe I watched too much Kids In The Hall but I was set a little off balance by this insistent need… for me…to be a Doctor…on my day off. A statutory holiday. How insulting!

Next night: come in, one of the doctors needs your help resuscitating the baby he is about to deliver. Really?

Next night: I am officially on call. Emergencies R Us.

Next day: I am in the Operating Room doing a D & C, don’t concern yourself with the technical stuff, working around the office. Was ending the day at 8 PM those first weeks. I was seeing 30 patients a day which I rarely did past my first three months of practice. Who knows what that means.

Next day: Forget details but another Dr. needed a hand. Or a baby to deliver or something…

By day three, I was experiencing every symptom of stress that I knew. Yikes! The other doctors were applauding my abilities. Freshly baked Doctor. I fondly recall that summer sewing up a large and complicated laceration on a man’s hand who lost a fight with a lawnmower. Others looked over my shoulder and recommended I send it out. No, this was my kind of case. The patient was preferring me to do it, begging me to do it. Saves him a trip to the city. OK! It was a long case but he came to show me his hand weeks later and it was Beautiful. He was as impressed as I was. The many patients who had their office appointments rescheduled may not have been as keen. We all have our glory. I took it as a good sign that they asked me to cover their holidays again the next summer. I graciously declined…

OK – decision made. I will not become a Rural Doctor. That was easy…

I can be considered impulsive. When I make a decision, it is final. Except when it is not. It is funny because after that first week, everything just completely settled down. It was almost as if the Universe did not want me to settle in small town Alberta as I was considering. I was dating my now parenting partner. He was just a Family Doctor, as it is often stated, at that time but was applying to Ophthalmology which would connect him to cities ever after. He did in fact enter the specialty training followed by a subspecialty fellowship – sidetrip to Minneapolis, Minnesota for a year where our first child was born.

Back to Freedom 45. The concept brought delight every time I would think of it. I loved to drop it into conversation with workaholic specialists. It would usually yield a cranky response. I found it entertaining. If they lived in a million dollar mansion, I would warmly suggest that they sell their house and they would be free. This suggestion was never well received to my mind. I would always discussFreedom 45 with any Financial Advisors I worked with. It was a running joke. They would kind of chuckle and humor me. I loved teasing them with their advice. What if we do not receive an annual average return of whatever flavor they were selling that time? They could never really say too much. I did not take their projections as gospel truth, that is for sure. I made decisions that would enable me to be within reach of freedom – whatever that means.

As I approached the age of 45, I delighted even more in Freedom 45. I was in a marriage where there existed two very different points of view on most things. Hmmmm…. As much as I wanted to be free, why were we digging deeper and deeper roots into Edmonton? Opening a Surgical Centre: taking on a 1.3 million dollar business loan. It was at that time that I was captured by the idea of making dreams come true. This was my marriage partner’s dream. I was not going to prevent him from seeing it through. He was astute to note that until my Dad thought it was a good idea, I was hesitating. My Dad said, “Go for it!” and I was all in. Too funny. Then I did feel reluctant to leave the marriage with him holding the bag… of debt responsibility. There was one year left when we separated. Forecast was bright. We toasted together June 2012 when that bad boy was paid off. Loved leaving the marriage with the businesses in great shape. A decade long struggle to get onto the elite list of private contract holders with the Alberta Government -deep pockets- was the last official function I served in the companies. That was December 2011, six months post separation. When I commit, I commit. My last month of salary was January 2012. I declared myself officially retired January 31, 2012. I sometimes think to myself that my parenting partner is in the business of printing money. He is a gifted eye surgeon with an impeccable reputation. If you have cataract or corneal needs, he is your man.

My buddy had considered purchasing the building he was leasing, if only the owner would sell it. I dug my heels in. I did not support this business decision. I had strongly encouraged our selling our interest in a medium sized commercial building. I was looking ahead. That cash enabled my selling out. It was not conscious at the outset but I recognized its brilliance later. I found myself in a loveless, sexless marriage with a man who honestly admitted he preferred being at work to being at home with his family.

Beth by Glee, Originally by KISS This song was posted on Facebook by a friend June 5, 2014. I listened. I cried. Then I chose to review this story. Ah, it goes right here. Amazing!

Yikes! Over the years I went from best friend…to friend…to employee. Not the subservient kind either. I was known to talk back. His style of running the business led to dramatic events – not my style. Human resources…messy business that. I started suggesting we sell the business. He fluctuated but could not leave his love…I do not/did not take it personally. More accurate to say that my mind didn’t take it personally. My heart was bruised. He deserved freedom to choose his own life just as I did. Neither of us loved ourselves in our marriage so we were not going to magically be able to love each other. He gave lipservice to committing to transformation. For me, it became my #1 priority. It came to a point where I did not want his choices running my life anymore. I firmly made my decision. I wanted to sell out. I wanted to transform my marriage relationship into a parenting partnership in a two household family. Once my imagination saw my life in this new family setup, I could not shake my excitement at the prospect.

The heart has its reasons, which reason knows not. Blaise Pascal

I want to declare my financial freedom. Authenticity rules!! What I do with this freedom remained to be seen.

I believe that the words we choose, the labels, are important. Words have energy. They each carry their own vibratory level. When we choose words, let us find the highest most authentic we can. Of course, they do reflect how we feel. It is not good for our health to not honor our own feelings. When they are vibrating at a low level, it impacts our health. We would be wise to search out the way to feel good. Follow your own excitement. How would we describe that? How would we label that? I think there is great power in not worrying about labeling things. But out in the real world when in discussion with people, topics come up. It helps us to connect with others to talk about things. Choice of words is a reflection of what is going on inside. Keep in mind that the fake it until you make it concept is real. I actually waffle back and forth on this one. Who knows? When shifting something in your life, it may feel fake at first but with repetition, it becomes real.

I do not know why but I could never say the “D” word, divorce. I still cannot. It feels like a low energy word. It is as big event as our conditioning creates. In my experience and conditioning, it is/was a very big event. Wouldn’t it be cool if we could put relationships in the light of authenticity? We all want freedom in our relationships to grow and evolve. Sometimes that will involve the relationship’s obsolescence.

I applaud myself in coining, as I had never before heard the terms, parenting partner and two household family. I always correct people when they ask about my Ex. Hate the term Ex when referring to a former marriage partner.

It is strangely ironic that my concept of Freedom – both financial and personal- rests in the success of the marriage partnership that I enjoyed. Businesses were successful. My role in that success was supportive at best. I was involved with financial bookkeeping, expenditure decisions along with administrative insurance and legal details. As I reflect, I think my intuitive sense was my greatest contribution. …And my love of spreadsheets.

“There is no problem that a spreadsheet can’t solve.” Angèle Beaudoin

There is a little mathematician inside me.

I know how to handle money. Spend less than you earn – so simple. The Simple Life has a lot to offer. Live below your means = more freedom. Avoid personal debt. Business debt can be fun. As long as it is a healthy business. I did not see money as status just a mode to live freely. My attitudes about money originate from two sets of grain farming grandparents. You don’t spend money until the granaries are full , so to speak. Not every year’s crop can be sold at the price you choose and the time of your choosing. My life has been pretty small scale in the world of wealth. I determined early on that I would rather be a millionaire than look like one. Somehow, there has always been more than enough money for my needs.

The Legal System supported my Freedom also. We avoided the court room for our domestic changes and undertook the Collaborative Family Process to settle our marriage administrative details. I highly recommend this non-adversarial option for any and all your legal needs.

Many people ask how can I be retired at my young age? One answer to that question could be “I married well”. I find myself using this answer most often. Sounds funny to me. It is short and concise but misleading also. Hence, I chose to write a blog… where I don’t have to be concise – tee hee.

Our thoughts create our reality! Surprise, surprise! After thinking a thought for almost twenty years, it comes true. Imagine that…

So on the other hand, one might think “Why did I choose to limit myself to wait until I am 45 years old to be free?”. I have thought that myself now that I am more consciously aware. Somehow, my little inspiration kept returning to Freedom 45. I didn’t know any better. It was just outside my threshold of believability. Did I create this? Or did I just recognize/foresee the future? It was always destined to be. I have no idea. That good old freewill versus destiny again. Do you judge it? Does it count that I am free on the back of someone else’s hard work? I was actively involved in any and all major decisions. I never backed down in my marriage when decisions threatened freedom. Maybe the Universe/Source/God matched up two people who would be able to meet each other’s needs. I believe that is what happens in all interactions. Each has consciously or subconsciously determined that they desire an experience. The matched experience results. A man believes that working hard for his family was what he wanted to do. His Soul, likely not consciously, wanted him to experience a marriage: beginning, middle and end. It is an opportunity for transformation.

To be honest, I did judge the ease of my situation initially. As we went through our process of settling financial details, it would have been very easy to not allow for the abundant result. I really do not value money all that much except as a vehicle of freedom and ease. I reject struggle. My parenting partner knows this of me and at times was surprised at how things were turning out in my favor, from his viewpoint. Also that I was fine with it. I will never forget the foursome sitting at a table at one of many Collaborative Family Law meetings. It was my buddy and myself each with a lawyer. We four collaborated together…at $800 per hour in legal fees. That was the process. The lawyers sounded sincere when they once said we were one of their favorite cases. I would be so bold as to say, “we had fun”! Love real and authentic communication. Nothing better. The four of us have had some delightful conversations: Each of us witty in our own way. One pertinent soundbite that I will never forget, “Fifteen and five would be a good day in court”. It was my buddy’s lawyer speaking in reference to how a judge might call it with regards to Child Support and Spousal Support. He was talking thousands of dollars…per month. My buddy slowly swiveled his chair to face his lawyer and said, “And you are my lawyer???” Not that the final number ended there but it gives you an idea of the scale. It was not far off. My buddy finally did come out and say, “this is not fair”. “Angèle gets this much money and now has no incentive to work”. That was one way of looking at it. There was a hint of control there. He would be more comfortable if I was working…in his paradigm. Everyone in my life expected to see me return to Medical Practice. Somehow I was to resurrect my knowledge from the crypts. That is what divorced women do. My plan was not to work, with or without consideration of a monthly payment. I was smiling that day when I heard that fifteen and five would be a good day in court. Truth is stranger than fiction. I had tight assets. I planned to live off of them. I throw that in. I saw a vehicle driving near my home displaying Tight Assets as the name of a mobile personal fitness training company. So clever…

He felt that this put a strain on him feeling that he had to work hard to maintain the agreement. I offered to him to do what was best for him. He will always have the freedom to choose. The agreement would never be set in stone. It has built in flexibility. If he should choose to retire, fine. The agreement would reflect this. Certainly, I welcomed him to slow down his work. It would be oh, so good for his health. I reminded him that he chooses to feel the weight of it. It is always tied to the Tax Return & company year end returns – money that was actually earned. It does not move forward in time. It looks back. I do not decide fair or not fair. I decide that I will just go with the flow. My treasured Spiritual Advisor, strongly recommended this. Her arguments resonated clearly with me. I can always save some money aside to be given back in future should I choose. Yes, I like this idea. I did not have to decide right then. As I have a history with activist feelings against the status quo in all systems, I found great entertainment value to see how my situation was handled in the system. Letting the system deal routinely with my domestic affairs is a bigger story than deciding to take less. I will be fine either way. Nobody took any interest in my activist concerns…until now. Now the system is just wrong. If you can’t beat them, join them. Isn’t that what they say? I guess there is a theme that keeps coming out: I love to poke cheeky fun at all the systems. And it is Beautiful… This one is Epic.

Another little delightful idea that came out of it, and I tease my buddy, former husband, with it regularly is that someday, I tell him, “I will pay YOU Spousal Support”. Nothing would please me more than to pay him some great big sum of money, six figures at least, because one year I would earn more than he. I don’t think he takes it seriously but if it is like the old “Freedom 45” cheeky idea then I can see a day when I pay him some big coinage. I am tickled by the Spousal Support soundbite in just the same way as the Freedom 45 way back. Same vibration to my dowsing rod. Our thoughts create our reality… Or maybe it is more my energetic vibration: The playful, curious, nod/nod, wink/wink, not taking self too seriously attitude that leads to less than believable outcomes coming true. Daily choices tend to line up with your vibration. Time will tell…

I believe in Miracles.

I will figure out how. I know that I can. …And it is easy. One of my mantras.

So the big day came on October 1, 2011, when I actually turned 45 years old. I decided to celebrate with a unique experience. I was six months living in the two household family arrangement. Looking back, I was less stable than I wanted to believe at the time. But you can only be where you are. It was a time for healing and transforming. Well I got wind of a place to stay in a treehouse on Vancouver Island: Free Spirit Spheres at Qualicum Beach, British Columbia . It was so awesome! The first night I stayed in Melody – wired for sound. Absolute bliss…

On my Birthday, I spent the day in nature which included a long walk. The highlight that day was walking over a train trestle. I am afraid of heights so it was a challenge. The space between the ties was just slightly smaller than my foot so really, I could not fall through. That didn’t stop the thrill of the experience. By the time I got to the middle, I kind of froze: a metaphor for my life I think. Now it was just as far to go back as to go forward. I had to go forward. I wanted to have the courage to walk through my fear of heights. I literally sensed a voice telling me,

“Don’t look back. Don’t look forward. Just look at your next step.”

That is exactly what I did and I made it across just fine – of course. The owner of the treehouses put it into perspective when he recounted his daily excursions over the train trellis… on a bike! One woman’s fear is another man’s mundane.

It just drives home, what good is looking back or forward do? It is only the next best step that is relevant. I return to this concept over and over again these past years. I have dropped the writing of this collection of stories so many times because I felt like it is looking back. What good can come of it?

Then I remind myself that telling stories is fun. I like it. It is authentic for me. As long as everyone remembers that that is all this blog is: stories. Fiction or non-fiction, you be the judge. It is whatever you want it to be. I am not worried about how true or untrue the stories are. They are what they are. They are not what they are not. Take what, if anything, resonates and leave the rest.

I have concern for the privacy of anyone mentioned in my stories, this one in particular. I hate keeping secrets. It is with good intent that I choose to share my story.

So there… Kind of makes me feel like I am 7 years old again.

Addendum:

Fun Fact: My tax return for 2012 displayed a record high number for my entire career. Super healthy six digit number. Truth is stranger than fiction. Worked less, almost not at all. Earned the most ever. If you are in the collection of successful businesses you will know the mystery that occurs after your Accountant does the year end accounting. Very few of those pennies actually saw my hand. But the Government of Canada is loving me right then. I usually whip out a wine glass and toast myself every year. I have not figured out the mysterious world I live in. But I count my blessings…

I have not even done my 2013 taxes yet. Over a month late now. It will be a record low… Yet, I lack nothing. Contrast is Beautiful. What a roller coaster ride! Wonder what next year will bring?

Bottom line in his message is that the only thing preventing you from “instant manifestation” is your belief systems in place that do not believe it is possible. Bring awareness about your belief systems and truly let them go. Manifestation can come instantly or at least a lot quicker. We all have a “threshold of believability”. Understand your threshold and move toward awareness and then mastery. The beauty of it…your threshold is your choice. Choose wisely…

I chose Freedom 45. I guess that was my threshold of believability. At the onset of the idea, it felt just beyond my fingertips. I read a lot of stories about early retirement in a Canadian Magazine which fueled the fire. Most of the stories were about extremely simple living. Somehow I get to have my cake, and eat it too. Awesome!!

Teal Swan (formerly Scott) influenced my beliefs around receiving abundance. I accept and embrace the abundance I enjoy. I do not judge it anymore. I believe everything happens for a reason. Nobody is suffering in my two household family…unless they choose it. Each individual must take responsibility for their own feelings. I would not in a million years have imagined my current situation. I just generally had a good time with the Freedom 45 concept. It framed many decisions over the years. It did not drop out of the sky completely. I was in there somewhere.

1. Evolution of self and of all that is, is the inevitable byproduct of living. My addition: aka you don’t have to do anything…except follow your heart’s excitement- also known as be yourself.

2. There is no limit to what you can do, be or have.

3. There are two types of truth in this universe: Objective, universal, Truth and Subjective, individual, Truth.

4. Freedom is a universal truth of both physical and nonphysical.

5. Free will and destiny are peacefully coexisting truths of life.

6. Love is the basis for all physical and non-physical being.

October 2014

The Law of Detachment by Deepak Chopra
This law says that in order to acquire anything in the physical universe, you have to relinquish your attachment to it. This doesn’t mean you give up the intention to create your desire. You give up your attachment to the result. This is a very powerful thing to do. The moment you relinquish your attachment to the result, combining one-pointed intention with detachment at the same time, you will have that which you desire. Anything you want can be acquired through detachment, because detachment is based on the unquestioning belief in the power of your true Self. Attachment comes from poverty consciousness, because attachment is always to symbols. Detachment is synonymous with wealth consciousness, because with detachment there is freedom to create. True wealth consciousness is the ability to have anything you want, anytime you want, and with least effort. To be grounded in this experience you have to be grounded in the wisdom of uncertainty. In this uncertainty you will find the freedom to create anything you want.

In my Medical Training, I was sent for two months to train with some small town Family Doctors. You did not necessarily get to choose the town but I lucked out and got Westlock, less than an hour north of Edmonton. I was given an apartment to stay in but running back into the city was easy if a reason came up. The best of both worlds. The Docs there were a really nice bunch. They took their task of training a Family Doctor very seriously. A unique experience setup by the Docs to round out the Medical Education was to ride-a-long with a police officer for a shift. You will be glad to know that it was a female officer. Whew! A mindful decision I imagine. Would have been tough if they matched me up with a handsome devil in uniform. Haha. Funny as we were getting to know each other, the topic of my own criminal record came up. Her face dropped. If I had a record, I was not supposed to be allowed to participate in the Ride-a-long program. Whoops! I am honest to a fault, I always say. The police in town just assumed that if I was training to be a Doctor, I would not have a record. If I was anyone else, they would have done a background check on me. It never occurred that I should be ashamed of my wicked past.

Back in Junior High, I toyed with shoplifting and was found guilty of fraud.Fraud sounds so serious compared to shoplifting but I guess being found guilty of switching pricetags is not quite so impressive sounding. At the time, I felt it was better than shoplifting straight on. I just offered myself a sale price on a pair of sunglasses. Yes, I see now that the logic is not very sturdy. I am a fully reformed fraud offender. Since then, I am much more likely to give a generous tip… Not that I did not also shoplift straight on. I just did not get caught at that. I would hate to add up how much stuff I took without paying over a several weeks period. Grade 9, should have known better. When my friend and I were charged, we both had a lot of stolen goods in our possession. We were thankful not to feel the full heat of our crimes.

The worst thing about that little fraud incident is it happened on my Dad’s Birthday. My mom was a law student so pretty embarrassing for her. I felt like such a schmuck…and I was. My own shame was my punishment. I was so blessed to feel how much my parents loved me.They could see how hard on myself I was about it that they did not punish me further. They understood me. They allowed for my mistake. They continued to trust me. They supported me. My partner in crime continued on with the lifestyle. I entered Grade 10 without my best buddy. I turned my back on my criminal ways right then and there. I chose not to continue the friendship. Within a month I found a Soulmate friend in Grade 10 Physics class. We saw each other from across the room. It was fate… She was by my side from then on, through University and onwards to Medical School.

Ironic how things went down in the Courtroom. My friend entered before me. Her case was completed. My case was heard next in line. I entered the courtroom and I guess there was a smirk on my face. Well did I get an earful. The judge did not like me. Not one little bit. He went on and on about how he would like to throw the book at me, yadda yadda yadda. He specifically said that he would hand down the same punishment as my friend received despite his desire to give me something harsher. Nice sentiment. I was found guilty of fraud. Penalty: admonishment. That is the word he used. I was fascinated by this extra long word. What did it mean? I asked my mom on the way home. It means a good talking to. Don’t do it again. Dictionary.com defines it as to reprove or scold, especially in a mild and good-willed manner. My mom was sticking up for me even then. She said that I tend to smirk when I am nervous. The judge interpreted that I did not take the proceedings seriously.She went on to reassure me that the judge just wants to scare the shit out of me so that I will not return. Most teenagers in front of him, he will see again. He is trying to do me a favor. Gotta love my mom.

When I was getting into so much trouble at school in Grade 8, she was so bold as to say that if I was a boy, there would be no problem. But since I am a girl, the same behavior was not tolerated. Interesting… Kind of went along with the fact that I was sent frequently to see the Vice Principal for misbehavior of various sorts. He would just shoot the breeze with me and ask me to try to stay out of trouble. He was an Angèle supporter. I always seemed to have lots of those. My Grade 8 teacher thought I was a psychopath. One teacher’s psychopath is another teacher’s talkative and disruptive. I was tested and found to be “gifted”. Ha ha. It meant very little but it got that teacher off my case. Rebel without a cause.

Getting back to my ride-a-long. It was actually pretty boring. The officer loved looking for dark tinted windows. I guess she needs to find something to do to justify her job. Many warnings and tickets for dark windows were handed out that night. Rural Alberta is known for a high percentage of pickup trucks on the road. If they want to tint their windows, it ends up being the driver’s windows. The law allowed for only the most minimal tint. Was the town safer as a result? Your guess is as good as mine. We spent some time on the highway with the radar. The biggest surprise to me was that nobody talked back to the police officer. I have heard it said that French people are passionate. Well in my family, I had witnessed many a traffic ticket handed down. It generally was responded to with passion. It was always accompanied by backtalk – big or small. I discussed this with the police officer. She felt that talking back was quite rare. Really?? I was educated. It felt weird to discover my upbringing was not typical in this regard. I just assumed everybody talked back since my family did. We actually enjoyed the retelling of some of those incidents over dinner. A good laugh.

I was reminded of the prior ticket I had received. It was actually following an Ambulance ride-a-long. No boredom there. Lots of action. Fun fact from that ride was that the Firemen arrived first on the scene to most calls for an ambulance. There were more of them so almost always arrived first. It was an amazing experience. I was with them from 10pm to 6am. I was driving home, a little tired by then. Motivated to get into bed. A major intersection near the Ambulance Main Station was 107 Avenue and 109 Street. I was traveling west on 107. I am reminded when I see the sign that I am not allowed to turn left onto 109 Street. Instant thought: it is late. It does no harm. There is only one car on the road right now way in the distance. I can see the headlights blazing. I turn. Home sweet home, here I come. Well those headlights belonged to a police car. Sirens immediately turn on. Really? Well that officer found one passionate girl once he pulled me over. I was having no difficulty expressing myself. I questioned him, “Surely, you have more important work to do right now than pulling me over. There is nobody on the road. Turning at this time of night is not a big deal.” I may have even said that if I were him, I would use my own judgment to determine that this is not a risk to anyone. Of course, I know they are often looking to see who is on the road in the wee hours. Have I been drinking? Or worse? Possibly if I had not been such a hothead, I may not have received a ticket. I have gotten off many tickets since I stopped backtalking. They are just doing their jobs, right? I can be taught. I am a slow learner sometimes.

Indignance prompted me to obtain legal counsel...aka talk to my mom. Ha ha. She always supported me. Even this time she came up with a possible avenue in my case. I wanted to fight the ticket. She said that the sign is clear that left turns are not allowed. It is not one of those where the left turns prohibited only during certain hours. She thought a very weak possibility that she had seen work once was for me to request that the officer be able to pick me out in the courtroom. I forget the exact details but my mom would represent me (pretty funny)

and I would sit in the courtroom and see if he could pick me out. Often just by showing up, you at least get a reduction in your fine. Ooooo. The big day came. I am likely the only one in Traffic Court with a Lawyer in tow. As I entered I looked around me. My hopes shriveled as I saw that I was the only one in my age range. Oh oh. Funnier still was when the officer was informed of the jist of the case. His eyes got wide and he came right up to me and said, “There she is. I will never forget those eyes.” He went on to explain that my performance that night was pretty memorable. He likely would have picked me out in a restaurant. I was never sure if he meant he thought I was hot or a hothead. Maybe both.

Over the years, I have even gone to court just for the fun of it. The days before reality television. Always an education. And to see my mom in action. She is and was so cool.

All in all: a pretty short rap sheet…

Started May 21, 2014

P.S. – Had a drink with three other ladies last night. It was fun to share our rap sheet stories. Therapeutic value for crimes big and small. Secrets are bad for your health.

Skeletons in the closet of all varieties need to see the light of day. You don’t need to share with everyone but you should find an appropriate person. Don’t wait for your deathbed. I met a Beautiful Spirit yesterday who has spent decades in elder and palliative care. I was shocked at some of her stories. Lots of people, especially men, are carrying some pretty heavy loads around. She often heard the therapeutic share of men with their dying breaths. Peaceful once they had offloaded.

Sharing your stories is fantastic for your health. I would even go so far as to say essential.