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Blink of an Eye

It seems that I’ve treated every major decision in my life with complete abandon. Accepting jobs, transitioning, moving, severing relationships, and so on were all taken from the feasibility stage to the action stage within mere minutes. As soon as something becomes a possibility, I often act without considering the consequences in any shape or form. Within the blink of an eye, I become committed to the next stage of my life even though the commitment did not require such a quick decision.

I’ve spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on items that I cannot recall. I’ve made and broken interpersonal relationships with just as much ease. No matter how many times I burn myself (not that every instinctual action has resulted in a net loss), I simply cannot throw on the brakes when it comes to my decision making process. I try and tell myself that the alternative is to sit with tires spinning, moving nowhere and expending all of my fuel, but that is a false rationalization.

I shouldn’t feel resigned to such an impulsive fate, but I suspect that it will take something of immense gravity to get me to change my ways. I am constantly trying to mature, but it is the impulsive nature of the psychopath that always threatens to have my progress blown to dust. When I am able to think things through, I can emulate the neurotypical in nearly every way possible. When I act on instinct, not nearly as much.

Time will tell whether my impulsive actions will land me in more unfortunate situations. In the meantime, I must be mindful in between my impulsive episodes and remind myself that next time need not be the same. Rather than having my life change in the blink of an eye, I can always take a breather and evaluate my proposed actions. I can determine whether to act on instinct or to act on logic.