thoughts

My mind is clear and in control. My senses in alert. Are they coming? I quickly get dressed in the dark, hide my sat phone and close my bag. My movements are surprisingly precise. I can feel my heartbeat getting back to normal. I know what just happened. The screams stopped right after the detonation. I switch on my flashlight, point it towards my face and open the door.

***

The cold is biting my cheeks and my throat. I close my eyes, for a few seconds and feel the wind against my face. Alone, with just the sound of the snow against my skis, and my breath, as I’m pushing to maintain my speed and expel my rage. My thighs are burning as I empty my mind. I wish it were colder.

***

In the train, my head full of music and thoughts. I close my eyes and think about my veranda in Bangui and the rain. I smell the last book I just bought and instantly miss all the others. As I’m focusing on my breathing, my mind starts shifting and suddenly, I want to be swimming in a cold fjord, listening to my heartbeat.

Few years ago, taking an airplane was, in my mind, associated with the notion of travel and packing was a part of the process, one of the last step before discovering a new place. Something exciting.

Today, packing became part of a boring ritual. The content of my bag is always the same and, on the way back, packing only consists in trying to squeeze food and books between my clothes. No excitement, just an automatic process, my mind floating somewhere else.

If I’m with some friends, it’s ok. But usually, I’m alone, left with space to think. Some time to kill, alone, downloading a last album, watching a movie, eating or drinking for the last time what I won’t be able to touch for weeks or months (and although I am already full). Hours in an hotel room, an airport terminal, train, waiting…

Thinking about me having spent a few days in Switzerland is always like thinking about an half empty glass. Or is it an half full one?

17 June 2011: A., Zurich, Switzerland. The next two pictures were way better. But my iPhone crashed while processing them and deleted them… grrr!

If walking in an airport was a soundtrack, it would be Bonobo, Live at Koko (example). May God bless Bose and its QC 15