Mom's constant questions drive adult daughter nuts

Jul 01, 2008 | 4:12 PM

DEAR HARRIETTE: My 32-year-old daughter has stopped taking my calls. She says I'm trying to ruin her life and drive her crazy with questions about her life and future. I think I'm just a concerned mom, but she hates it when I ask about her relationships, finances - really anything - and says I'm too nosy. What do you think?

Dear T.Y.: Think back on your behavior. Have you been consistently overbearing over the years? I know this is a tough question, but it's likely true. If your 32-year-old daughter is set in her belief that you are against her, there's a good chance you have behaved in a consistent way that has led her to believe this. How do you ask her about her relationships? If you are inquiring with judgment in your voice, that could turn her off. This is true even if you are right to be worried. The reality is that at this point in your daughter's life she has to be in charge of herself. As her mother, your job is to encourage her to be her own woman and to make smart decisions. The challenge is to do that without meddling.

Instead of going the 20-questions route, try another tactic. Be present in your daughter's life and show her unconditional love. When she mentions something about her life, be a supportive listener. Really hear what she's telling you. Trust her. Over time, you both may begin to forge an adult mother-daughter relationship that is healthy. For support, read "Walking on Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate Relationship Between Adult Children and Parents" by Jane Isay (Random House, 2008).

DEAR HARRIETTE: Okay, so I graduated from college in May and have started working - and I hate my job already! I'm kind of indebted to the company because I got a huge scholarship in school, but I never knew it would be this mind-numbing. I have to stay for three years. What should I do?

Dear S.: Stop thinking of your job as a prison sentence. For sure, your bosses don't want you to hate your job on their dollar. Perhaps they just haven't figured out what you should do. Look around and observe how people work and what support is needed. Quietly investigate the needs of the company and figure out how you can be of use. Become a problem solver there. It will occupy your time and help you become indispensable. These skills will serve you wherever you work in the future and may even turn your experience around at this job and make it a wonderful one. For further guidance, read "How to Be Useful: A Beginner's Guide to Not Hating Work" by Megan Hustad (Houghton Mifflin, 2008).