Sorry, no unpublished fan mail** for you this week. My crystal-ball gazing exercise went well enough (meaning: I didn’t totally blow the predictions) though, that I figured I would try another round. Once again, I am going to take a look at the remaining Restauranteers and their concepts, and rank them as to how likely I think they are to win this thing. I will be basing these rankings on the following criteria:

the concept (and the potential for success in the “fast/casual” space);

how well they have taken the advice from the investors/judges (more is not necessarily better);

how well they have performed in the various challenges; and lastly,

whether or not I could ever see myself visiting their restaurant, were it to reach Houston.

I am still writing this part of the blog post before the episode airs, in case my predictions totally fall apart (and they just might, given the teasers for tonight’s episode) and you actually notice.

And so, without further ado, here are my Estimates of Winning Likelitude*** (V2.0):

Sudhir Kandula (Spice Coast)(last week – 1): While his food went over well, he still has an issue with the judges – namely Steve (who insists he wants Sudhir’s food to be folded up in bread) and Curtis (who doesn’t). With the name change last week, I am afraid Sudhir is about to give up what makes his concept unique – it’s distinctly ethnic (Indian) makeup. “Mom’s Curry Chicken”? SRSLY!?

Stephenie Park (Harvest Sol)(last week – 3): I’m bumping Stephenie up a notch, based mainly on the fact that (a) she agreed to a compromise with the investors/judges, and (b) she was enough of a realist to admit she was wrong, when the idea of her shrimp salad as a sandwich worked out better than she thought it would. Slight minus points for resuming the culinary evangelism (and botching the photo in order to do so).

Gregory Westcott / Krystal Seymour (Grill’billies)(last week – 5): Color me confused, here. After convincing Gregory/Krystal to move away from slow-cooked (BBQ) to grilled food, the investors/judges ask that they make a pulled pork sandwich? Then they (investors/judges) say how much they hate it – before they eat it? And, after eating it, they are so taken with it, that they give it the W!? Talk about being hoisted on your own petard, investors/judges. I was tempted to bump them up to the top spot, but somehow I don’t expect this improvement to last all that long.

Jamawn Woods (Soul Daddy)(last week – 4): He recovered pretty nicely from last week’s slip-up, and I would have moved him up a notch except for Gregory and Krystal’s success. I’m still not totally sure that chicken and waffles (which is IMO not meant to be eaten on the run, and is definitely not a finger food) is going to fit into the “fast-casual” mold.

Sandra Digiovannio (Sinners & Saints) (last week – 2): Sandy had a major #FAIL last week, as her food was both horribly over and under cooked. This is the type of sin that could have easily gotten her sent home. She compounded that by “standing by” her chef (this is one of the things that got Marissa sent packing), then telling the investors/judges about how she fired her own girlfriend from a previous job. Sandy, the investors/judges aren’t interested in your personal life, but whether you can spot the flaws in your business – and take decisive action to correct them. Thanks to Joey, you aren’t on the bottom – yet.

Joseph Galluzzi (Saucy Balls?)(last week – 6): Joey is floundering – badly. It would seem that some of the potential diners (as well as the investors) still have a problem with the name, and his offer to change the name went over with the investors/judges like a lead meatball. Several investors/judges expressed a concern that maybe Joey was treating this show as one great big joke (a joke whose punchline is aimed squarely at the tittering male teen demo). I wonder what gave them this idea – was it the uniform that could have come right out of The Godfather? Or, maybe it was his idea of renaming the joint to something combining “Joey’s” and “balls”? No matter: I figure this is the week we will hear the fat lady sing for Saucy Balls.

Eric Powell (Meltworks): If you needed any proof that the quality of the food is not the sole criteria for judging success, I think you just found it. Even though his food showed improvement (by which I mean “the judges might have mistaken it for an actual grilled cheese sandwich”), his attitude didn’t. And that, in the end, sealed his fate. One could almost smell the desperation in his voice as he talked about ditching a concept he had spent years working on. This, folks, is a classic example of how not to inspire confidence among your potential investors. Joey – take note, lest you follow him right out the door.

Tonight – we have Food! In a truck! and it would seem that everyone loses! So, what are we waiting for?

Well, it turned out I got in and turned on the teevee about five minutes in. So, I doubt I missed very much. Especially as the story line was pretty obvious from the get-go.

The Business Test:

Design a food truck. Which translates to “the Restauranteers get another chance to micro-manage a graphics designer.” (It seems to me they are spending a lot of time in front of a graphics workstation – and their various design incarnations don’t necessarily mesh very well with each other.) In addition to which: Sandy fires her chef, and Joey decides “it is time to let go of Saucy Balls.” He wants to rename it to Joey’s Meatballs, but Bobby and Curtis convince him to go with Brooklyn Meatball Company. Sudhir also decides to try Steve’s suggestion, much as it pains him (Sudhir, and also Curtis).

BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP

The Culinary Test:

Go shopping for provisions (with a budget of $300 total) to stock their food truck. Then, they take their new food trucks out on to the streets, and try to make some actual $$$$MONEY$$$$$ selling, you know, food. This also tests their ability to budget, and their understanding of the economics of Restauranteering, which translates to “you have to sell the food for more than you paid for it.” Unless, of course, you see a gig on Kitchen Nightmares or Kitchen Impossible in your future. Watching Jamawn pick up some canned beans because he couldn’t find any fresh ones gave me a sudden urge to avert my gaze from the inevitable train wreck to come.

BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP

Next up, we have the Service:

Grill’billies – their truck looks awesome (Lorena especially is impressed). Their food tastes equally awesome. However, it appears they don’t have a clue as to how well they spent their budget, and if they will make any profit, or even how much their menu cost per meal served.

Brooklyn Meatball Company – the investors/judges don’t like it. The “menu” was too wordy, the little plastic packets of red pepper didn’t impress, and the dish that was cooked and sitting outside wasn’t appealing (except maybe to any flies that happened to be in the neighborhood). Once again: saucy + meatballs = fast food #FAIL.

Soul Daddy – per Curtis, the design of the food truck looks “music orientated.” Which would be fine, except that it is a FOOD TRUCK. Jamawn has no idea as to how much each dish cost to prepare. #FAIL. Steve Ellis recognizes the taste of canned beans. #FAIL.

Spice Coast – the appearance of the truck was somewhat of a turn-off for the investors/judges. The food, OTOH, was a major winner. His Indian-style tacos had the spicy flavor that impressed Bobby, the fact that it was “hand food” impressed Steve, and the fact that he actually knew how much his dish cost to prepare on a per-serving basis impressed all the investors/judges.

Harvest Sol – The design of the truck was OK, even if it did resemble a cereal box. The food, however, was a great big plate full of #FAIL. Her falafel used canned chick peas, which imparted a really salty taste**** – besides which, how do you advertise your food as healthy, yet you are using canned products? She also could only guesstimate how much it cost to produce a serving. Lastly, the investors/judges didn’t feel her food was very portable. I see a trip to the Investors Chamber in Stephenie’s future.

Sinners & Saints – The investors/judges are impressed with the size of the order. They are much less impressed, however, with the flavor. The mac & cheese was among the worst they had ever tasted, and they had to pull big wads of fat out of the meat. Another one for the Investors Chamber.

After the eating is done, the investors/judges announce the results. Unfortunately, none of the Restauranteers turned a profit this week! Taking the W, thanks to the fact that he sold the most (hopefully in dollar amount): Jamawn. Which is even more evidence that you don’t even have to have the best food (that would have been either Spice Coast or Grill’billies) in order to win! In the Bottom Three, and called to the Investors Chamber for grilling:

Joey, who had the least in sales. The investors called his taste into judgement, as well as his use of plastic packets of pepper. Which I actually think made more than a little bit of sense, as it screams both “fast” and “casual,” as well as working very well in a mobile environment (like a food truck). Next up, we have …

Sandy, who preempted the investors/judges by throwing her new chef under the food truck, continuing that fine tradition known as Blaming Someone Else. She still seems to understand her concept (it is all about “choice” – either healthy or decadent), but is having increasing difficulties selling it to the investors/judges. Last up is …

Stephenie, who was lambasted for her use of canned chick peas. In a “healthy” restaurant. She defended her choice in this matter as one of practicality. The investors/judges asked how she could make her concept work in Oklahoma***** if she couldn’t make it work outside one of the busiest gyms in Los Angeles.

The decision is made, and the judgement rendered: “Sandy… we will not be investing in Sinners & Saints.” As she left, she made several nautical references, comparing herself to the captain of a ship, and a passenger on the Titanic. I think that she would be spot on, if only she had combined the two sentences thusly: “It was like I was the captain of my own culinary Titanic…”

Next week, on America’s Next Great Restaurant: the Restauranteers face their toughest critics yet. Children. Hyper, screaming children with finicky appetites. And yet, they are not the ones who yell the loudest, as one of the chefs does his best Meatloaf impersonation. For whom did this chef toil? Tune in and find out, next week!

And now, it is time to sign off, as we fade to the countdown timer:

COUNTDOWN – 21 DAYS 00 HRS 00 MINS BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP

* While maybe I should be watching this, tonight I won’t be – not live, anyway. Let’s hope the DVR (or the Interwebz) work as advertised, or else this will be a real sparse recap.

** Nope. Still not publishing spammed comments.

*** This is a real word. I am certain of this.

**** My nutritionist told me this was the norm. Salt in the metal of the can will leach out into the food over time. So, guess what – no more food from a can for Yours Truly.

***** On my map, Minneapolis is in Minnesota, not Oklahoma. But, to the Coasties, it is all “flyover country,” I guess. Whatevs.