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Sunday, June 29, 2014

Anyone that has gone through the roller coaster journey of buying a home will be able to sympathise with the feelings I have just been through.

The emotions, the tantrums, the worries, the ups and DOWNS, the high anxiety, sleepless nights and the stress. By god the stress is not good, it seems its just part of the process no matter what you do to stifle its appearance.

It's one of those things that creeps up so silently and can give you an almighty fright when it appears. It shakes you up all over, makes you feel unbalanced, unhinged and overwhelmed. The pressure, the headaches, racing heart and the tiredness. They are certainly feelings I was glad to finally shake! The ups and downs are flipping hard. The houses that you can actually see your self living in, that you can see your furniture in and just know are yours slipped through your fingers and to know someone else will be the residents. The open for inspections, EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND and nothing really speaking to you. The auctions where houses sell for so much more than you anticipate. And the lump in the throat when you know when you have found "the one". And that excited but oh so scary feeling when finally it is SOLD {to you}.

I am eternally grateful to my mum and dad, for being able to want to do this for Darby and I. As a single parent on one income. I had forgone the dream of ever living in my own home. It seemed like some far off magical dream, something that would be amazing but one that I had all but written off. So to them who have wanted to set Darby and I up for our most secure future, I will never have the right words to say or enough gratitude to show. Its sitting in my heart and waiting to flow into our new space. A space I can't wait to fill with such new happy energy.

Luckily now we are in the house moving stage (2 weeks to go, YAY) , so to be honest we are past all of the the hard yards now. Well if you consider packing light work. In my little haven I have found the packing a very therapeutic activity, it has been a way for me to sit and deal with past hurts that I couldn't bare to even unveil back then. Its been an energetic process, I am very aware of how I have been feeling has been reflected in the energy of our house and have made sure I have been cleansing it on a spiritual level every day. I have been talking to my apartment, as crazy as it sounds. In my own way, I have been saying goodbye, mourning for it and also celebrating the times that have been spent between these four walls. I have wanted to purge as much as I could. The items that no longer serve a purpose to me anymore. This I thought would be hard for the sentimental in me, but I have managed to release so much, and with so much more to give as well. I must admit I had let myself live in a state of disarray for the past 6 months, scattered, messy, cluttered and it has done nothing but heighten the stress of moving. I knew at some point this move would happen, but not wanting to deal with its emotional enormity. I am the first to admit I don't like dealing with things sometimes. I am aware of it, but now its about changing that. About wanting to walk through the yuk and to deal with things as they arise, not leave them festering away until later, and this has been a perfect example for me of something to work on.

The emotions that have arisen have been only natural, and have shaken me up a lot more than I could imagine. My current little haven has been home to my son and I since our family separation 4 years ago. It carries huge memories, memories of him growing from a toddler into a now almost 7 year old. Memories of the happiness that we have fostered here. We have both celebrated 4 birthdays and 4 Christmases between these walls. There has been so much laughter and the odd tear. It was the little sanctuary that saved me, and that nurtured me. It allowed me to develop into the person and mother I am now. I carried a whole lot of hurt into here, sadness and adrenaline, from what was a very difficult and heartbreaking time. It has only been in the last year that I have found the forgiveness and compassion and this is really when I began to heal and evolve. I have learned to forgive myself for anything I did. I have wanted to stretch out my wings and discover new wonderful lands. I have been craving a new space to carve out the new life I wish to lead now with Darby. As Alice so eloquently said in Alice in Wonderland "I cant go back to yesterday, because I was a different person then" And that is so true, I am the same, but just a whole lot different I am finding myself again, I have been slowing shedding the layers of my cocoon. I realise its just like the butterfly finding her wings. The cocoon that has nestled me oh so lovingly for 4 years is now no longer needed. I am ready to stretch these wings, and see if I can fly!

Thursday, June 26, 2014

This sacred space of mine has been free from my words lately. In fact I nearly forgot it exists, let alone anyone else knowing it was here!!
I lost my blogging mojo some time ago and it never seemed to return, seemingly gone forever. But I know deep in my heart, that I love to write, I crave writing, I was born to write. So here I am today being bold and declaring that its doors are officially open (and this time for quite awhile).
No one may come and read it, and that is totally ok with me. Maybe just my mum and a close friend, and in my eyes thats a win, because these words here will be touching someone.

It seems the big changes happening in my life right now are shaking things up a bit and with that shake up, I felt the need to be able to share, to empower, to perhaps ignite a spark in others (as much as ignite it for myself)
I know it will take some time, but I am ready for that, I will be here, waiting, writing, sharing.

First and foremost I am putting my big girl pants on and embracing my 2014 intention to do everything with courage, to be fearless in the face of my greatest fears and to let go all of my expectations, my doubts and my limiting beliefs of the things I have inside to share, the niggling camparisonitis that plagues me.
I know we all have our own paths to go down, our own trails to blaze, and that by posting this today I am just adding another voice to the path, another journey to be taken. I am forging ahead regardless of what my mind is telling me. We all have beautiful unique voices and a right to use them and share them in our own safe haven.
So from today I will be found here voicing mine oh so quietly, but the bigger point is I will be sharing.

Here are a few little blogging guidelines I have set for myself

For the rest of the year I am ready to tackle this blog full steam ahead, with gentle love and no anticipation of what it may bring. I just want to be myself in each and every moment, day to day and see where it leads.

To lend myself the same compassion that I know I lend others. I am not going to let fear hold me captive, to get stuck in the a never-ending cycle where I gallop through the gates of my comfort zone with such raw enthusiasm (I am a horse at heart.. its the sagittarian in me!) only to get bound and gagged by anxiety and cold feet. I quickly go scurrying back to my sanctuary more scared, more paralysed and more stuck than ever.
So I am declaring no more draft posts sitting in my blog waiting to be read (it should come as no surprise that I had over 100 drafts never published and now lost in in my last blog home - Adventures of Java Jane).
I will publish every last one of them here, even those that scare me half to death, in fact those are the ones that need to be published. The ones where putting my vulnerability on the line, my heart on my sleeve, a lump in my throat will connect with more, support more and heal some more. My motto will be to just "press publish", shut my computer down and walk away for awhile.

I will leave behind my perfection meets procrastinator personality and just publish. I have this niggling thought that the name of my blog doesn't represent who I am or where I am going, and instead of working my way through that and to just let it evolve naturally as it should, I have let it tie me to the gorund and used it as an excuse not to write.
My mind is good at playing those games with me, all stemming back to my perfectionism and tugging at my lack of confidence, well I am saying goodbye to that. So I have flipped the mind game on itself, I know the name will evolve from within, but at least for now it will be a fluid process and my flow of words may just spark the inspiration I need.

As a good friend said to me the other day, "Just feel the fear and do it anyway!"

I plan to let down my hair and have some fun and I know then that the words will spill out freely. None of this tangled up and so serious. I need to SURRENDER, to let go, be present and feel the JOY!

So thats it, nice and simple really!- Be Gentle- Do it with Love- No more drafts- Press Publish- No more Procrastination (disguised as perfectionism!)- Let the words flow- Have fun- Feel the JOY

Are you a blogger? Any tips to get you going when you are stuck in a rut?

Friday, February 14, 2014

Last year a concert changed the course of my life. OK, I know that's a pretty huge statement! So maybe it didn't change my life, but it definitely gave me the kind of jolt, that has flowed through my veins like electricity ever since and ignited such a potent year of massive changes. Before we go on, I have to say that music has always been my therapy of choice, it is the one thing that I attach so many memories to and the one thing that I turn to when I am happy, sad, playful, in pain, joyous and stressed. It soothes, comforts and makes me come alive. It always has.

So I will say this once (and I will most likely say it many more times to come) I'm in love with "The Boss". The man is my music nirvana! If you were a kid growing up in the 80's you would probably be familiar with Bruce Springsteen's music, for me, even though I could probably hum along to a few of his songs, all I wanted to listen to were the Bangles, Bananrama and Kylie Minogue.

It wasn't until I was in year 11 and studying International Policy, when the teacher (who was an adoring fan) told all of the students to go get themselves a copy of Bruce Springsteen's greatest hits. The ever obedient student in me went and spent my hard earned cash and got a copy. As I sat in my room studying the political landscapes of countries, I got distracted and lost in these familiar songs. Listening with with fresh ears and I really started to GET it. The words, the rhythm, the ache, the charisma. He had captured my soul!

Fast forward 15 years and he is still doing all of that (and more). His music helped soothe the pain of a heartbreaking separation. It was his anthem "dancing in the dark" that finally awakened my inner sparkle and gave me a sign that I had made it to the other side.

So of course when he toured Australia last year, I jumped at the chance to go, and not just to any arena, but to the mesmerising Hanging Rock. And that concert was the catalyst for something bigger in me, and as corny as it is it truly did spark that fire!

At the concert I felt like me, but a better, stronger, more joyful, energised, happier version. I felt so alive and vibrant, it was almost an out of body experience. I squealed and sang and danced and had no inhibitions. I was so present in my body, in the moment and I so liked how I felt. I wanted to bottle that feeling and take it home with me.

From that moment there was a significant shift in how I lived my life. I wanted to feel those feelings again. To feel the freedom and to be so present, to feel that sheer joy.

I had already begun to make small changes to the way I was living and thinking and this experience only accelerated the process. I began to say yes more. I began to listen to my intuition, to step out of my comfort zone and I really honed in on how I was nurturing myself. I began to nourish my body, and really take care of my heart. It had been hurt, so although there would always be those residual scar tissues from the pain, it was beginning to feel more open and complete, and I continued to use music and tapping into those powerful memories as inspiration to spur me on further.
Positive people showed up in my life and my thoughts on myself began to shift ever so slightly. The things that didn't serve purpose in my life gently faded away. I became open to meeting new people and out of that some amazing friendships were formed, ones that I didn't see coming. I know there were many, many challenges along the way and I cant place all of the emphasis on Bruce, but just shedding those layers has made me a much better person, and more than that, it has brought me closer to who I really am. Not afraid to say what I love and not afraid to fit one mould. I am me, and this musical loving, passionate gal is just one aspect that comes along with being perfectly me.

I am seeing him again this weekend, and I know it will not be the same experience. I am a different person and I will not compare them. I am beyond excited. To feel and reconnect to that sense of fun and joy that I must say is much closer to the surface than it ever has been. I wonder what kind of change will be in store after this concert?
I can see a big, exciting and challenging year unfolding, and I am sure that I will take some of this energy that I will get with me.

Ill leave you with this clip.... Its all sorts of amazing (well to me anyway!)

Have you ever been to a concert or had a musical moment that has changed your life?

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Where for art thou motivation to write? Where has that naked courage gone? Or that energy and all those stories you desire to tell? Where the bloody hell are they?

Oh thats right, they are swirling and twirling, dancing alone in your head, never to be heard, never to be put on paper.

But why, why not? Why are you not sharing them? Maybe they are funny, maybe they are beautiful, maybe they are sad, maybe, just maybe they are so uplifting that they will inspire somebody else.

Who knows, but you do know that in your heart you are meant to write. To put words down on paper, to tell a story, to share words, and connections, anecdotes about life. To cry through the telling. Even if that means every word you write again you cry, sob or weep through. That in itself is the best therapy. The sheer relief and release of words and water onto paper (or keyboards!) .

Ok then, lets get to work, and get this show on the road! No more procrastination or filters here on in!

Monday, January 6, 2014

I am just a little bit obsessed with Green Smoothies. I'll take them any time of day, any place and with loads and loads of greens. Even my fussy little guy is a tad obsessed too, asking me to make them for him too! (Yay)

Green smoothies pack a real nutrition punch and are a fabulous way to get some more greens into your day, I know I feel a whole lot better when I have had my smoothie. Everything just seems to work better. Give it a go and see the difference!

This particular one is our new favourite combination. Perfect in the warmer weather, it speaks of summer holidays by the beach, if only Melbourne would provide us a glimpse of some warmth. A 30 degree day will be around the corner soon enough and I know I will be drinking this gem.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

As I stumble into the new year, I realise I have never set an intention before. I was always a new years resolution kind of gal. You know the ones - lose that 10kg that has stuck around, exercise more, keep my house tidy, become more sustainable, do this, and do that etc etc.The ones that are most certainly broken within the first few days of January and the New Year guilt sets in instead. Not a great start to the year, huh? So this year, like many others I know, I have set an intention, a word of how I would like to live my life, not just this year, but always. The word to centre me when I go off course and to guide me in my day to day life. To keep ever present and to come back to when I am feeling vulnerable and immersed in fear and self doubt. A word to hold close to my heart when my faith is tested, when I am feeling helpless or I begin to doubt myself, when life battles and joys are all too overwhelming.My word for 2014 is

Courage

Courage didn't come to me at first, no word really came to me at all, and it was only during a meditation session I did where we were asked to let a word, a phrase, a colour or image come to us, that courage miraculously appeared .

I don't usually meditate, (well I am doing my best to make it part of my life) and I had certainly never done this sort of visualisation exercise before and I must admit I did feel rather uncomfortable.

Then in a subtle way, the words "let it go" floated across my subconscious, followed shortly after by the word "courage". The words felt so right, they sat with me in a way where I gently nodded and smiled in agreement with the universe.

I am not sure what it is I am letting go of this year, but I know it will find me. I know when I dig a little deeper, I have so many self imposed limitations, negative beliefs, anger, hurt and resentment sitting there just festering. I have known for quite some time that these will continue to haunt me until I have the courage to heal them, set them free and make way for the wonder that I know is around the corner.

Courage will guide me, to be brave, to be vulnerable to let go of these burdens, to imagine they are sinking to the bottom of a deep deep ocean, never to rise again. This quote by the extraordinary book I am reading by Debbie Ford sums it up so perfectly. I know I mustn't be the only one hanging onto past experiences, it is universal that we do this. It's all about identifying what these are and then being able to set them free.

"So why is it that so many of us hold onto experiences from our past, refusing to let them go? Is it because we don't know how to let go, and move on? Or could it be that our familiar emotional wounds are part of our story, our human drama, and we somehow feel more like ourselves when we're holding on to them?

To experience emotional freedom, we must accept, surrender and let go of our wounds. We must be willing to take responsibility for what we're holding on to, which is usually a hurt or pain from the past that leaves us feeling victimised. The code of emotional freedom calls on us to let go of "Im right", "You're wrong", "I'm good" and "You're bad" so that we can stand fully in our power. It calls on us to take responsibility for our lives and then, with grace and ease, let go of our excuses, reasons, justifications and righteousness. - Debbie Ford - Courage, overcoming fear and igniting self confidence

Ask those questions "Why do we protect and hold onto these experiences for so long? Who do we need to forgive to move on? What are the learnings or growth we can gain?

How about we have some courage to do some letting go this year? (If anything I recommend you read this book, it has kick-started my year of courageous living perfectly!)

In 2014.....

I will have the courage to heal old wounds

I will have the courage to find my magic within and the confidence to let it shine bright.

I will have the courage to stand up for what I believe in regardless of what others think

I will have the courage to take big brave leaps into the unchartered

I will have the courage to face my darkest fears, tackle them head on, forgive and then let them go

I will have the courage to say yes..... and to say no

I will have the courage to become a great teacher

I will have the courage to write on this blog more frequently without cold feet

I will have the courage to be vulnerable - to have those uncomfortable icky conversations, to ask that guy out on a date (no matter what the answer), to have a regular check up with a doctor, to admit that solo parenting is tough on my soul, to change jobs/careers if I don't like my my new job, ask for help when I need it, to be scared about my upcoming surgery

In seeking out courage in everything I do, say and believe, I know I must find my confidence and truly love and accept all of myself including my flaws and shortcomings in order to live the most authentic year yet.

What are your 2014 intentions - please share, I would love to hear! 2014 is shaping up to be a smashing year!

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Phew I cant believe 2013 is almost coming to a close. For me its been an epic year of self development and finally uncovering wonderful things that have made my heart sing (and occasionally rock me to the core).

I am beginning to really find, listen and trust my inner voice. I know that I will it will continue to play a big part and I will only begin to hear and let it guide me forth more in 2014.

I have made some of the most positive lifestyle shifts of my whole entire life. Not one of them has felt like deprivation or just a short term fix. After all these years I began to treat my body with the kind of respect it truly deserves, not just with the food I consume, but in the way I treat my mind. There is still alot of work to be done here, but it is something I will put alot of effort into in the coming new year.

I have finally released myself from the long and sordid battle with diets in favour of a whole food, gluten free, organic (mostly) way of life. I have finally accepted that food is in my life to nurture me, not torture me, that what I put in is designed to nourish me from the inside out. I have known this all along, but finally I was ready to take the steps to make the changes.

Regardless of what I eat, it was in giving up the mental torment of dieting and using some intuitive eating techniques that really gave me freedom and paved the way for even greater change.
This all happened in March and led to a cascade of other events that have really shaped my year. Its funny how I don't feel like the same person I was 6 months ago, let alone 12 months.

There has been so much love and light in my year, but with that light, I have learnt that there always needs to be the balance of darkness, the lesson's from the hard times endured have and will be invaluable forever.

I have learnt to live, breathe and conquer in the face of uncertainty, fear, control and judgement. I have learnt relinquishing the need to know what was around the corner in favour of just staying and happily accepting the present moment has been one of the greatest gifts.

I am still embracing the art of vulnerability and become braver in my willingness to put myself out there no matter what the outcome. It definitely hasn't come easily to me but I have learnt that, that is ok to.

I have made some much adored friendships, strengthened others and with no animosity let the others that did not serve me gently float away.

I look forward to being able to share my journey here, to unveil more and more clarity in my life. Its exciting and scary to know 2014 will provide more great challenges, but I know I have put in place the foundation to be able to accept these with grace rather than resistance.

Heading into my 35th year I feel like I am just getting to the core of who I am and what I am about. I have this sense that I have been gently chipping away, chipping away to uncover the real me, and in 2014 I am well and truly ready to crack myself open.

So as a bit of a reflection, here are a few of my highlights reel of 2013. And in the words of the remarkable John Lennon.... We all Shine on, like the moon, the stars and the sun.