Larry David was married to high-profile environmental activist Laurie David. She filed for divorce in 2007. The first thing Larry did when she left? Go around the whole house turning on all the lights.

-----------------------------------------------------Princess Beatrice has just taken her PADI Open Waterqualification on Koh Tao, Thailand, at the beautifulBan's Diving Resort.-----------------------------------------------------

>> Kabbalah 4 Africa? << Madonna raises awareness for Malawi

Madonna has been making a documentary about Malawi, I Am Because We Are. The film is a serious attempt to raise awareness of this impoverished country, in that Bono/Bob Geldof/ Richard Curtis kind of way, but some things about it struck us as a little odd. After a sensible look at the AIDS epidemic, the film seems to suggest “thinking like victims” and “drinking after work” are contributing factors to Malawi ills. (Well, that's Britain fucked, then.)

And the new Spirituality For Kids schools are heralded as one of the answers to their problems, without any mention to the fact that they are run by that other K word - Kabbalah. As that is obviously the one thing missing from Africa.

One of this year's leading rugby union clubs was enjoying another win in the bar of a Westcountry hotel last week. Many of the players got wildly drunk and started to annoy the other residents by swiping people's drinks. Other players just retired to a room for a bonding Circle Jerk.

-----------------------------------------------------The BBC's Gaza correspondent, Aleem Maqbool, boughthis house in west London from one of Dick and Dom.-----------------------------------------------------

>> Tennant's super << Just what the Dr ordered

zookeeper's boy writes: “I can confirm that David Tennant is indeed the nicest man in the world. I work in a post- production house and Tennant was recently in to record a voice-over for a new documentary. He took a break in the coffee bar, where he was approached by a member of the sales team who works with disadvantaged kids in his spare time. The man explained that the kids were massive Dr Who fans. Tennant then spent his break doing an improvised skit in Dr Who character while being filmed on a phone camera for these kids. Pure class.”

Americans are world leaders in many things. Including horse doping, it seems, now they've invented the Milkshake. This involves inserting a tube up the horse's nostril, down into the stomach and pumping in a solution made from baking soda. It delays the build-up of lactic acid in the horse's system and stops it getting tired. You have to give your horse its milkshake just before a race and can't be detected afterwards, so random testing before a race is the only way it can be spotted. So far in Britain milkshaking is rare - it's dangerous as you can misdirect the baking soda into the lungs and drown the horse - but in California last year 10% of horses tested positive for a milkshake.

-----------------------------------------------------Viagra is 10 years old this week. Vince Neil spent$15k on prostitutes when he started taking it, "So Icould try and come, because it just wouldn't happen".-----------------------------------------------------

>> Cruel crews << The Goldfrapp Scale

It's hard being a woman in the music business. Keep quiet and you get walked on, speak your mind and you're a bitch. Still, sound and lighting technicians in the Bristol area use one woman as a reference point for all others. When faced with a new artist they ask: “How difficult to work with is she on a scale from 0 to Goldfrapp?”

-----------------------------------------------------Where are they now pt 1?: A member of Blazin' Squadnow works in the tape library at BBC TV centre.-----------------------------------------------------

>> The little and larges of pop << Who is weirdly sized to you this week

Enormous: Courtney Taylor-Taylor: Dandy Warhols

Taller than you'd think: Paul Young

Tiny men: Dizzee Rascal and Goldie

(More suggestions? email hello@popbitch.com)

-----------------------------------------------------What is it with celebrities and backward baby names?Reese and Ryan had Deacon Joseph, now Caron Keating'sex and TV presenter wife have Tilly Jennifer.-----------------------------------------------------

>> Drunk man of the week << New Zealand versus Scotland

1. An orchard worker in New Zealand called the police to complain that he was being raped by a wombat. While they sat there scratching their heads the man, Arthur Cradock, called back to say he was OK. "Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right you know," he told the operator. Cradock was sentenced to community service for the fiction. Even the police prosecutor seemed more sad than angry, telling the court “alcohol plays a large role in Cradock's life”.

2. In Scotland, 58 year-old David Bachelor has been feeding the pigeons wearing only a thong. A back-to-front thong. The sheriff fined him ฃ150 and blamed it on alcohol. Bachelor said it wasn't a sexual thing, “I was just feeding the birds and if I was wanting to do that I would just go down town and get a whore”.

-----------------------------------------------------England captain Rio Ferdinand was interviewed on FiveLive. He talked about how captain Gary Neville hasbeen injured at Man Utd this season, "Giggsy hasstepped in and taken up the mantelpiece".-----------------------------------------------------

>> Essex royalty << Teddy Sheringham goes shopping

loobylou writes: “I was in a shop in Loughton, Essex. A man was on his mobile telling his wife that he couldn't get any nice snacks in there for nibbles, only Golden Wonder as "it is Loughton after all.'

“A woman shelf stacker took offence at this, tapped him on the shoulder and said, 'We had Teddy Sheringham in here yesterday, I'll have you know.'”

-----------------------------------------------------More doctor euphemisms. For when the patient was veryill - CTD (circling the drain) or and TF Bundy(Totally Fucked. But Unfortunately Not Dead Yet.)-----------------------------------------------------

>> Eurovision pt 2 << The puppet gets censored

Ireland's puppet entry Dustin the Turkey has been censored! The lyrics of the song contain a list of European countries, including Macedonia. Someone made a formal complain to the European Broadcasting Union (and everyone's fingers are pointing at Greece) so Dustin has to use the agreed wording “Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia.”

*****************************************************Abercrombie & Fitch are re-launching their iconiclimited edition A&F Quarterly exclusively in the UK.The controversial, sexy publication features pics byBruce Weber. On sale at the London store for ฃ100,Saturday 5th April at 10am.http://www.abercrombie.co.uk*****************************************************

Monday, March 24, 2008

This is the the Electronic Intern at the Raindance Film Festival.Everyone in the office is out shooting or watching festival submissions.

We started Raindance in 1992 in order to meet talented, first time filmmakers like you. That is why we have the Raindance Film Festival. We are open for submissions for the 2008 festival from January 1 - June 1st. Click here to submit.

We have put together this Holiday Toolkit because we know all this spare time on your hands - it's a 4 day weekend! - can leave you motionless, like the proverbial bunny - this time caught in the headlights of inactivity.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

*********************************************************Are you top of the pops? Know your Mutya from your Mariah?Have a go in our special Buzz! Pop league for the chanceto win a PS2 and a copy of the game. Use code "popbitch"and enter your email address at the end of the quiz:http://www.letsplaybuzz.com********************************************************

Sir Anthony Hopkins is in the UK to film a new version of classic monster movie, The Wolfman. He plays the distinguished, white-bearded father of Benicio del Toro's werewolf. Sir Ant was spotted walking down Elizabeth St, Belgravia at the weekend. At one point he was overheard turning to his companions and saying, ”I just caught sight in that shop window of an old man walking along the street. And then I realised it was me!”

-----------------------------------------------------Brian McFadden says his girlfriend Delta Goodremwill only let him smoke in the garage. It's a longway from being married to Kerry Katona.-----------------------------------------------------

In our mailout of 11 October 2007 we carried a pieceentitled Maxed out - Beesley makes beeline for beautiesin which we alleged that at a TV industry party inCannes, Max Beesley was trying to line up three womento have sex with and asked one woman who said that shewas not interested in having sex to go away so that hecould find someone else. We now accept the item wastotally untrue. We apologise unreservedly to Max andhave agreed to pay him compensation and his legal costs.

-----------------------------------------------------Lily Allen has just bought a flat in Kilburn, in thesame building as Primal Scream's bassist Mani andtheir ex-manager Alex (son of Annie) Nightingale.-----------------------------------------------------

>> Mott the nine o clock news << Star's star holds forth on poltics

Daily Star's much-mocked showbiz columnist Joe Mott is quitting his column. Luckily for journalism he's not quitting. He has a new opinion column.

-----------------------------------------------------US media is gossiping that Nigella Lawson's weight-gain is causing problems in the filming of her newshow and the director is shooting only above the waist.-----------------------------------------------------

>> Marshgate << Load of old balls

W writes: Old football pundit Rodney Marsh was on my flight to Tampa, Florida earlier this month. At the gate he seemed annoyed by a random bag search and the request to take his shoes off, so he started playing keepy-uppys with the shoes.

*********************************************************Mark Ronson live, Rob da Bank with cymbals strappedto his knees, and a gang of rampant housewives.Make up your own headline:http://www.bandstandevents.co.uk*********************************************************

>> Big Questions << What people are asking this week

A primary school class sent off letters to celebrities with a picture of a lifeboat which they asked the celebrities to colour in. As the days went on pupils started to get letters back, which they all opened in class. Paul O'Grady sent the picture back featuring his dog Buster, and David Tennant's was particularly good. But which Newsnight presenter caused one little girl to cry? As she opened the envelope, her letter and lifeboat picture fell out. Untouched and uncoloured, with nothing else.

-----------------------------------------------------Ray Winstone is in talks to star in a new TV versionof The Sweeney.-----------------------------------------------------

>> Parlez-vous popbitch? << Say goodbye fierce, hello ferosch

“That's fierce!” Is SO over. Following the maxim that when GMTV presenters start to use a phrase it's no longer fit for polite company it's time to do as New York A-gays are doing. Ferocious is stronger than fierce. So, you are Ferosch, girl!

For example: Old: Fiona “Fierce” Phillips

New: Heather “Ferosch” Mills

FYI: The best description of Heather in courtwe've heard? “Justin Toper in drag”

-----------------------------------------------------Heather Mills was awarded 30k a year for wine, food,fruit and flowers. That's 82 quid a day. Or oneStarbucks latte, big mac meal, bottle of wine, bunchof flowers and a gram of coke and change left over!-----------------------------------------------------

>> Silver machines << Neon Neon try to go Back To The Future

Super Furry Animal Gruff Rhys' new band Neon Neon played LA's Viper Room on Monday. To celebrate their album's dedication to the DeLorean sports car the label hired two of them to be parked outside. A driver was there to whisk them off to the after- show party. A photo-op with the speedometer set at Back to the Future speed 88mph was too much to pass up so they sped down Sunset Strip. And were promptly pulled over by Highway Patrol long before they could get anywhere near the mythical 88mph.

-----------------------------------------------------The bass player from Sleeper now works behind thebar in The Old Ship Tavern, Hackney.-----------------------------------------------------

>> Bourne free << Wolfman Whispers

medium_smart writes: “I was walking the dog in the Bourne Woods, Farnham, which is, as every fool knows, the Los Angeles of England. Last week was the new Harry Potter - sixty crew and three weeks rigging for a four hour shoot, and this week they're prepping for The Wolf Man, which requires forty caravans, a hundred and twenty first unit crew and the construction of two ginormous 'gypsy camps'. The hot word on the street is that Benicio Del Toro is, in the words of a straight, male location manager 'so cool, I'd fuck him myself'; Emily Blunt is 'lovely, not quite as attractive as one might think but sexier'; and Anthony Hopkins 'just doesn't speak'. They arrive next Thursday Oh, and the director who shouted at my dog has been sacked (perhaps for some other reason) and they now have the estimable Joe Johnston (Honey I Shrunk The Kids, Jurassic Park III) turning their $85m budget into cunt soup.”

1. New Russian President Dimitri Medvedev has just moved his cat, Dorofei, into the Kremlin. Dorofei is quite famous in Russia. The Medvedevs used to live next door to Mikhail Gorbachev and Dorofei got in a fight with Gorbachev's cat. Dorofei lost. The shame was obviously too much and the Medvedevs got the cat neutered to stop any further incidents.

2. Knut's father wants to get his hands on Knut's money. Or rather, the zoo that owns the daddy polar bear has been suing Berlin zoo for a cut of the profits.

3. Jacko's animals have been bought. They're moving from Neverland to the Banjoko wildlife preserve in Arizona. The private zoo, including tigers, giraffes, snakes and parrots were being cared for by Neverland zookeepers, who had gone without pay for months just to look after them, but have now been rescued:http://www.banjoko.org/

3. There's a bear in Macedonia with a criminal record. For the last year he has been raiding a beekeeper's hives and stealing the honey. Zoran Kiseloski kept the animal away with a generator playing thumping Serbian turbo-folk music. But every time it went off the bear came back, so he took him to court. And in his absence the bear, who remains at large, was fined over 2000 euros.

*****************************************************"Gossip Girl here. Ready to diss and tell.""You know you love me xoxo"Starts next Thursday -10pm on ITV2.(diss not kiss!)http://tinyurl.com/26he8x*****************************************************

>> Things that make you go hmm << Crucifixion, walruses, Jerry the dog

The Jim McGreevey divorce case is on. Wife Dina is arguing she was tricked into marrying a gay man. The driver claims the Governor only had sex with the missus with him there too and that the former New Jersey Governor, wife and chauffeur used to share a hotel room, even on official business.

********************************************************Which lucky model will become the Girl of OSOYOU? Helpyour favourite win by logging in and rating them:http://tinyurl.com/2obkyl********************************************************

>> Chart Predictions << New entries/High climbers Sun 23rd March

++ Number OneDUFFY Mercy

++ Top TenESTELLE/KANYE WEST American BoyGIRLS ALOUD Can't Speak French

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

I'm Elliot Grove, and I am writing you because I passionately believe that there is much misinformation about screenplay story strucuture that is misleading and wrong.

I have decided to bring John Truby to London in April.

John has taught advanced story structure to over 20,000 people worldwide and has been story consultant on over 1000 scripts. He's seen all the story problems and knows how to fix them. That's why he created 22 Step Story Structure and Understanding Genre.

I want to bring his screenwriting classes that would show you the hundreds of story techniques he knows while you're writing.

The first rule of professional writing is: the entertainment industry buys and sells genres.

Genres are story types, and business has learned that you reach the greatest audience by taking a few of the most popular story types and constantly reworking them in new and creative ways.

The strategy for writers is clear: to succeed, you have to specialize in two or three of these popular forms and write something original.

The Understanding Genre class offers in-depth, professional- level information in the most popular genres in the world. Once you have learned the techniques found in my flagship 22 Step Story Structure class learn more about genre for the kind of writing you want to do.

This way, you're writing from strength, and you're writing the kinds of scripts the entertainment industry wants to buy.

The common complaint amongst producers is NOT raising the money. Tough as it is, it is possible to get money for filmmaking.

The most common complaint is 'Where are all the great scripts?'

Here's our chance to do something about that!

Happy screenwriting!

Elliot Grove Raindance Festivals Limited

The Raindance Guarantee

If you decide to attend and find that this course is overhyped, or unsuitable, or simply does not meet or exceed your expectations, let a member of the Raindance staff know by noon on the first day or by the end of first night for a no-questions- asked refund.

* Eurovision is back - and we're all going French* Horse up your life with the Cheltenham Gold Cup* Charts: Duffy is still number one-----------------------------------------------------

>> Hamass << The donkeys of Gaza do a dirty protest

In Gaza this week there was a demonstration by animals for human rights. Eight camels bearing “Save the Children of Gaza” signs; two dozen donkeys, including one in a Hamas headband; 10 horses and nearly 100 sheep were brought to the UN building. After a few minutes the beasts started a dirty protest. Some defecated in the streets, while the donkeys started shagging each other. Journalists found it almost impossible to do a straight piece to camera without some animal porn behind them.

-----------------------------------------------------Gay tory MP Alan Duncan has a new nickname amongsome journalists at Westminister. Impressed at hisability to quietly collar people in the corridors,they've taken to calling him The Pink Panther.-----------------------------------------------------

>> Spiderdad << Tobey's laid-back parenting

Tobey Maguire was recently at a children's party in LA with his small daughter. Ruby, about 16 months old, spent much of her time trying to stand up and walk. When other parents tried to help Tobey shooed them away, saying he thought adults put too much pressure on children to walk, and that the babies would get there without help when they were ready. Tobey always talked to his daughter about what he was about to do, like "Do you want to be picked up? I'm going to pick you up if that's alright with you."

-----------------------------------------------------No longer a gruesome twosome? Jarvis Cocker and wife Camille. Fashion insiders are talking withsadness about the problems the pair have been having.-----------------------------------------------------

>> Clubwars << It's like it is 1995 again

All Around the World have been quiety building up a massively successful pop-dance brand, Clubland. Not to be outdone, Ministry of Sound has responded with Hard2Beat Records, home of Basshunter and H Two O. Last night in west London Clubland held a gig for over 3000 teenagers. All decked out in orange lycra, blowing whistles and waving glowsticks (Clubland sold 16,000 branded glowsticks last week) the kids went mental to the sounds of Scooter, Cascada et al We're told AATW scanned the guestlist to stop Ministry spies coming in, but some managed to make it through. Whatever you do avoid central Manchester on Friday. Clubland take over G-Mex, with 12,000 spangled teens. (Although, secretly, we can't wait for the Scooter Greatest Hits to arrive.)

Horse racing: animals, booze, betting, and even the chance to bump into George Clooney, as he's been at Cheltenham this week. What's not to like? If you don't normally follow racing, Friday afternoon's Gold Cup is a good place to start. It's like the Eurovision Song Contest of the horse world, and not as confusing to follow as the Grand National. Here's the popbitch guide:

1. Gold Cup - 3.30pm Friday, so a great way to waste an afternoon with colleagues. 2. The two best horses in UK race against each other (and around 14 others) over big fences. Kauto Star and Denman are trained by the same person and live side-by-side in adjoining stables. 3. Pronounce Kauto Star caught-o not kate-o to show your expertise. He won last year's race and is the first horse in his stable to be fed every morning (which might piss off Denman), he's a Pisces “compassionate, empathetic, imaginative, sensitive”, and his nickname is The Extraterrestrial. His stableboy says if he was human he would be most like Roger Federer. 4. Denman is a big horse, nicknamed The Tank. He weighs 35kg more than Kauto. He's an Aries, “assertive, brave, energetic, action-oriented” and if he was human he would be like Mohammed Ali. 5. Bet each-way and you win money on the first three horses, not just the winner. It's best to choose a horse with long-odds for most money. Try: * Afistfullofdollars - Ireland's sole runner. * Neptune Collonges - from the same stable as Kauto and Denman. * Knowhere - people have been quietly bigging him up.

Which WAG took her mobile phone to be repaired and has since discovered that topless photos she had on her phone are being hawked around to the tabloids?

This Premiership star might start more games if he stayed out of the clubs a bit more. His inability to hold his drink has got him into compromising situations, including one after an away game which ended in him playing away, and some heavy-handed legal threats to stop the girl doing a kiss and tell.

-----------------------------------------------------Wonder why The Klaxons looked so out of it tryingto mime alongside Rihanna at the Brits? They'ddropped some acid before the show. Respect.-----------------------------------------------------

>> Telling porkies << What's going on at News International?

News of The World have had two big football News of The World had a big interview with crocked Arsenal star Eduardo, where they detailed at length the visit to the hospital of the guy who broke Eduardo's leg, Martin Taylor. Except it was entirely made-up. Eduardo gave his first real post-injury interview to Croatian TV last week, and said he had not given an interview to NOTW. The Croatian journalist and L'Equipe both report that the whole story about Taylor visiting the hospital was false.

And now The Sun is getting in on the act. On his blog Thom Yorke accuses The Sun of totally misquoting him over Radiohead's decision not to play Glastonbury. In an article about concertgoers' carbon footprints, The Sun quoted Yorke as saying Radiohead weren't playing Glastonbury because of the lack of transport infrastructure. Yorke said they headlined a couple of years back and just had no plan to do it this year, “we felt as if we had only just played there.”

Eduardo:http://tinyurl.com/2qeh7lThom:http://www.radiohead.com

-----------------------------------------------------Reasons to be cheerful no 243: Sara Cox has named her son Isaac. Yep, Isaac Cox.-----------------------------------------------------

>> Cheltenham - no! << People who shouldn't go racing this week

1. Mark Woollen from Newcastle, who is only six months out of a suspended jail term for having sex with a female horse, Molly. The horse's distraught owner said it was “like having a member of the family raped”.

2. Gai Waterhouse, Australian trainer whose horse, Love You Honey, tested positive for cocaine after it came last in a race.

3. The Queensland lab technician who has stolen parts of human brains to inject into racehorses to make them run faster. Ew.

4. Kevin Long, from County Durham, who was spotted fellating a horse. “I was just being nice to it” was his defence. Along with the claim he just “fell under the horse”.

5. Trudie Styler. Horses need their sheaths cleaned by their owners to prevent the build-up of smegma. Trudie does the Sting family horses herself. Not a suitable activity at a racecourse, though. (How to clean your horse's penis):http://tinyurl.com/2jvqtc

7. Three celebrities described to us as being “hung like a horse” - Bruce Forsyth, John Leslie, Richard Drummie of Go West.

-----------------------------------------------------More doctor euphemisms for odd or crazy patients.IWB is one up from NFN. Intercourse with biscuits. i.e. fucking crackers)-----------------------------------------------------

>> France, twelve points << Daft Punk is playing at my Eurovision

We're worried that the recent golden age of Eurovision is coming to an end. Last year's quality was down on the year before and this year there are just so many joke entries that just aren't funny (e.g. Spain, Bosnia). But it's not all doom and gloom, check out these beauties:

1. France, Sebastien Tellier: Divine is produced by Guy-Manuel of Daft Punk. Brilliant and bonkers. And mainly sung in English:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wePpbeWxaqw

2. Finland, Teräsbetoni Not content with introducing us to Lordi in 2006, now we get full-on proper rock:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1nzvDYycUw

-----------------------------------------------------Every thoroughbred race horse is descended from oneof three Arabian stallions that were brought to England in 18th century - Byerly Turk, Darley Arabianor Godolphin Barb.-----------------------------------------------------

>> Zedonk zurprise << Colchester zoo's star

Animal of the week - The Zedonk. * He's half zebra, half donkey (geddit?) * Shadow the Zedonk was born in Colchester Zoo 30 years ago; one of the first born in captivity. You do find many zedonks in Africa where the live in the wild together. * A zedonk was featured in Darwin's Orign of the Species. * There's another nice zedonk called Alex. He lives in Barbados. He's one of the only zedonks where the donkey not the zebra was the dad. * A zedonks can also be called a zonkey, zebrass, zebronkey, zebadonk, zenkey, zebrinny or deebra.

Shadow - he's nice:http://www.messybeast.com/history/zedonk.htm

*****************************************************Sign up with Betfair and use your £25 FREE bet on a Kauto Star win. You'll make £55 if he does it. http://promo.betfair.com/sports/uk/cheltenham08/?rfr=3938*****************************************************

>> Things that make you go hmm << Russian mobsters, sheep and goats

This year is the 25th anniversary of the greatest Gold Cup yet - when trainer Michael Dickinson trained the first five horses. Winner Bregawn died at the end of last year, aged 34.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XwtDYQvndw