There were times when I even almost gave up on breastfeeding Nafiz because it's too tiring! (or maybe it's just syaitonnnn yang berbisik di telingaku ketika itu). But yeah, that was how disturbed I was (sila rujuk entri saya 'Serba Salah' sebelum ini).

Luckily, I got a slap on the face in a form of an advice from a dear friend (disclaimer: she didn't slap me literally). Kata beliau,

To me, what came to you while you were writing that entry (the Serba Salah entry) is another bisikan nafsu and syaitan (if you knew her, you would have to read this in her form of voice, which is very soothing and very motherly). I would suggest that you try as far as you can to give the best food for your precious babies. They are in fact the greatest gift from the one we love and amanah to uphold (my eyes were already watery when I read this. but wait, there's more.) I know you can. I know deep down, you want to continue bf-ing (ok control nangis, control control~~). Every susah payah ibu menyusukan anak dgn niat untuk mendapat keredhaan Allah sangat besar ganjarannya. Lebih baik dari segala kebaikan di dunia. (baiklah, saya sudah menangis ketika ini. Terasa sungguh insaf dan selfish diriku). Allah dengar your keluh kesah. Allah knows it's hard. but Allah won't give you this trial unless He knew you can handle it dear.. (air mata terus mengalir deras). I didn't think you are selfish at all when reading your post.. You are just being a human. I pray for Allah to continue give all working mothers who have to work the strength and guidance all the way. Xoxo (Yes, ada xoxo di hujung)

Ya Allah, forgive me for being selfish. and forgive me for giving the chance for syaitan to implement all these crazy ideas in my head. Semoga saya sentiasa berada di jalan yang benar. Thank you Allah for sending me a great friend.

Terima kasih Amelia Wong. You never knew how your words affected me. I love you to the moon and back! Xoxo ;)

P/s: Alhamdulillah, I am still breastfeeding nafiz. He's one year plus now. And I no longer feel that breastfeeding him is holding me down. Niat sudah berubah, anjakan paradigma sudah berlaku (anjakan paradigma I tell you! huhu).. May I stay in the correct path. Oh Allah, give me guidance....

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

I'm at this point of life where conscience and circumstances collided, leaving me at a very not-so-comfy place. And what circumstances might that be? Well, as a working mother, sometimes there are things that needed to be done that requires full concentration and commitment, in which there are no room for a nursing mother like me. Well, do you see where I'm going now?

So, maybe I'm writing here to ease my conscience. That maybe, maybe, there are other moms out there who felt the same? and how do I deal with these conscience? I felt that it is high time for me to start concentrating on my career since I've been putting it on hold for my babies all these while. Is that selfish of me? Goshhhh, what's with all these guilt?? Susah jugak menjadi orang baik ni. Eh?

Tolonglahhhh motherss di luar sanerrrr!! How do you deal with these feelings??

But anyway, it is such a joy to see him grow up, knowing that you are a huge influence in his life. Often I hear him use the words I use, with the exact tone I used when I uttered the word. Oh yes, he is now in that 'spongy' state, where he absorbed everything around him and mimicked almost everything.