Often people wonder what they need to do to set things right in their life. Perhaps each of us is guilty of indulging in one or more of the following, as a result of which we fail to realize our full potential.

Trying to please everyone: We find it difficult to disappoint people. So we agree to the plans set by others even at the cost of having to make major adjustments that could impact our plans. In some cases we commit, although we are aware that we may not be able to honor our commitment. As a result we get annoyed with ourselves for giving in when we really should not have. We start resenting those who forced us into agreeing with their plans. We feel overburdened and pressurized. At times we fail to meet our commitments because we were busy trying to accommodate others.. You cannot accommodate everyone! Learn to say NO if the situation warrants it

Fearing Change: Everyone loves the status quo because we have reasonable control over what is happening. Change is therefore looked upon as potential danger, a possible threat and a definite inconvenience. We therefore find out excuses to avoid change of any sort. Actually change offers us opportunities to discover our potential, holds out promise to leap frog into something more spectacular and can often also help get away from the drudgery and irritable aspects of the existing situation. Bear in mind that Change is the only constant in life.

Living in the past: The good old days are symptomatic of how we get entrapped in the cage of the past. Perhaps life was simpler then but we take for granted the gifts of progress that has made our life a wee bit more comfortable. Living in the past also weighs us down from soaring and embracing new opportunities and possibilities. The past cannot be undone nor can it be re lived. While we may reminiscence about it off and on, we cannot let the past make us a prisoner of it. As Longfellow elucidates eloquently in his poem the Psalm of Life ‘Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant! Let the dead Past bury its dead! Act,— act in the living Present! Heart within, and God o’erhead!

Putting yourself down : From childhood we are taught to be modest and humble. This is a good quality to imbibe. However, when we let our modesty envelope us, we begin to shy away from praise and appreciation. We feel embarrassed when others laud our achievements. At times we try to play down our contribution so much so that we try to draw attention of others to what we could have done better and how we didn’t do enough. Accept credit with humility; showcase your achievements with pride; enjoy the accolades you deserve.

Overthinking : We do not achieve as much as we possibly can for one simple reason. We think too much about the what’s and if’s and but’s instead of working in earnest. We worry about people’s reactions to our bold initiatives. We worry about failure and that dampens our enthusiasm. We think about fool proofing our initiatives and therefore never get around to launching our ideas. We worry about the past and the mistakes we made. We think about the future and feel insecure. Thinking before acting is definitely a must but it is the over thinking and consequent ‘paralysis by analysis’ syndrome that we must be watchful of. Do not become a prisoner of your negative thoughts.

It is time you got over these personality traits that limit you from realizing your true potential!

Try these:

List out 5 things that you always wanted to do but did not attempt because you lacked confidence or because you worried about failure or were too concerned about the reactions of others. Put a deadline and attempt any 2 in the next 6 months.

List out 5 of your worst fears. How many of them do you think you are likely to encounter in the coming year. Do you know of anyone who has confronted the fear you are terrified of and can you learn from how they coped with it?

Assuming you won a lottery ( you just might if you dare to invest in a lottery ticket) of Rs. 1,00,000 how would you utilize the proceeds? Are you already thinking that you don’t have that kind of luck or that this is a hypothetical question and you don’t want to even think about it.?

Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. Howard Thurman

Many of us meander through life with a sense of regret that we have neither achieved anything nor made our mark in this world. One reason for this regret is the subconscious desire to make our presence felt and be recognized, applauded and rewarded for our contributions. In this quest to make our presence felt we strive to find a niche that we can quickly usurp and hopefully make it the showcase of our achievements. As many a dope tainted athlete would have realized, there are no short cuts to success and the illusion that our achievements are the focal point of attention is a myth that lasts only as long as we continue to hog the lime light.

On the other hand if we scan our immediate environment, we would find a large number of individuals who may not be changing the world at large but are definitely influencing the world around them. With a little introspection, we could also make the profound discovery that each one of us too has a deep and lasting impact on the many people who we come in contact with. The trouble is that we tend to undermine our own role, abilities and influence and fall victim to the irrational belief that we need to be a mover and shaker if we are to qualify as achievers. The truth is that every small, purposeful and positive action by an individual stirs up the environment around and its ripples reach out far and wide.

The skeptic in us would immediately question our contribution and influence rationalizing that we are too insignificant in the scheme of things. So then how can we really appreciate our importance and role in the mundane and humdrum existence that we seem to be destined for? The clue to this lies in seeking answers to three vital questions.

What are my values? While it may not be humanely possible to be a paradigm of every virtue, it is essential that we identify at least one virtue that we steadfastly hold on to. Most people would have a large list of virtues but it is the one critical virtue that would help one understand ones values in life. It could be honesty/ sense of fair play/ compassion/ doggedness/ never say die spirit/ accepting challenges/ patience/ orderliness/ etc. The one central virtue is what will anchor the individual to the reality of life and inject in them the urge to proactively contribute and influence e.g. Those with a strong sense of compassion would seek out ways and means to be useful to the poor/ the destitute/ the suffering. Those who are dogged will resolutely pursue the goal they set themselves; be it bringing the guilty to justice or helping the underdog get his/her due.

How do I cope with my own personal weakness and failures? As human beings we are susceptible to a multitude of weakness and have to carry the cross of many a failure. The manner in which we cope with these limitations in us would have a profound bearing on our personality and life. . E.g. those who are unable to cope with failure could be academically brilliant but completely risk averse. Yet the weakness by itself should be seen as an indictment of the individual for almost everyone has ample alternative strengths just waiting to be tapped. E.g. some of those who are prey to addictions would when sober be the most effective and efficient people to have around. The secret is to discover the potential and to harness that power.

What should I be doing? Nothing is more confusing than the answer to this question. How does a professional sportsman know when to retire? How much money would make a person happy? Should I give up a steady job to purse my passion and dreams? Should I be single or get married because that is the way of the world? When my conscience rebels do I succumb to the pressures of protecting my friends and companions or would I at the risk of losing everything stand up for the truth no matter how damaging it may be? Once we are able to honestly and consistently answer this question of what should I be doing; then we would be doing what needs to be done voluntarily, proactively and confidently.

Answer the questions above in the silence of your hearts and they will open the doors to self awareness. Life would then be more meaningful and fulfilling.

Remember: “I think self-awareness is probably the most important thing towards being a champion.” Billie Jean King

Try these:

How will you cope with this hypothetical situation?

You have attended a week long leadership training program. On the last day each participant in the program was asked to give one negative feedback for every participant. You come home with the sealed cover containing the negative feedback you have received. You open the cover and find 7 slips each outlining a different negative feedback as under. How many of these allegations are true about yourself. Can you think of one person whom you know for whom the allegation fits? Can you think of a specific incident that leads you to this conclusion about that person?

Slip 1 – In my view you are very lazy

Slip 2 – Why are you such a loud mouth

Slip 3 – I wouldn’t trust you with my purse.

Slip 4 – Your arrogant way of interaction annoyed me a lot.

Slip 5 – You are an unreliable person

Slip 6 – Wish you weren’t so negative and critical

Slip 7 – My impression is that you are too cunning

Write down the following goals for yourself.

1 personal goal

1 financial goal

1 relationship related goal

1 social commitment goal

1 goal related to a passion you have.

Now jot down at least 3 steps (for each goal) that you will take to attain the goal.

(e.g. My Passion related goal to read at least one book a month.

Step 1 – Identify at least 50 books by February 2012 end .

Step 2 – Buy at least 3 books before December 2011 end.

Step 3 – I will read every Sunday between 4 and 6 pm)

Take a look at this poster that perhaps captures the gist of this post succinctly.

We seem to recollect those harsh and spiteful words spoken by others, that may have been spoken in anger, frustration, irritation, disappointment or pain, which have hurt us. However it would possibly take us a while to recollect the events that evoked a searing pain caused by those who hurt us by their silence. Perhaps the latter hurt is so painful that we unconsciously erase the memory and keep it hidden in the deepest recess of the heart but secretly the bitterness and the painful experience engulf us. We would rather dwell on the hurt that is verbalized for it can be recounted and our senses can conjure up a rage and revenge possibility.

When is it that the silence resounds so loudly and painfully? Perhaps we too are guilty of creating this silent cacophony that deafens the senses and perhaps even our sense of self worth.

Remaining silent when we need to speak up. Often when our views seem to be opposed by a strong majority we have self doubts about our point of view and prefer to keep silent rather than risk ridicule. Remember the terrible feeling that overcomes us when latter on someone proffers our view and gets complimented and applauded for the radical idea? Similarly if you are standing in a line and an aggressive person attempts to break in do we meekly allow it or do we tick the person off for his/her uncouth behavior? If we keep mum do we hate ourselves for our spineless behavior?

When we keep mum to avoid telling the truth. Look back at school days when you ended up having a scuffle with a classmate or neighbor. If you came back with a black eye and are closely questioned by your parents after attempting some half hearted lies you would possibly have simply kept quite refusing to respond to any questioning. Despite pleas by elders and parents to tell the truth on the promise of not being inflicted with any serious ramifications if you still kept mum and thereafter somehow the truth emerged and you were severely reprimanded and punished the embarrassment and shame never gets erased. Imagine a situation where you have done something wrong and a classmate is reprimanded and punished and all the while you keep mum for fear of the consequences. Does the image of the innocent classmate pleading his innocence still hurt you?

When we clam up when we need to assert. Remember the school bully who constantly harassed either us or someone else who was weaker. Visualize the shame and pain we felt for remaining powerless and quietly bearing up. The hurt is more when at some point we see a much smaller, more scrawny but stout hearted student assert and defuse the bully’s arrogance and bullying. We cringe at the thought for it shames us to recollect our own cowardice. Recollect the time you could not refuse your friends in joining them in their misadventure and flouted the rules and got severely punished for it. Thereafter did you feel lousy for not having the moral courage to boldly refuse being a participant in the misadventure?

When refuse to voice our concerns or vocalize our support due to sheer apathy or fear of the repercussions You may have experienced the pain of studying hard and appearing for an exam only to see mass scale copying all around. Yet you do not lode your protest with the authorities for fear of the consequences both by the students as well as the authorities who could extract vengeance.

The words of ” Pastor Martin Niemöller (1892–1984) about the inactivity of German intellectuals following the Nazi rise to power and the purging of their chosen targets, group after group epitomizes the truth above

First they came for the communists,
and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists,
and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a trade unionist.

Then they came for the Jews,
and I didn’t speak out because I wasn’t a Jew.

Then they came for me
and there was no one left to speak out for me.

Remember: “Lying is done with words and also with silence.” Adrienne Rich

Try these:

Make a list of 3 – 5 social issues about which you as a responsible citizen have serious concerns. Choose one of those topics and write a letter to the editor of a local newspaper. Keep writing till you get atleast one letter published and then you can take pride that ‘your voice is heard’.

Make a list of issues on which you believe you as a responsible citizen should file an RTI query. Ideally try and file an RTI query in all seriousness but for a matter on an issue in which you really seek information.

All of us without exception would have experienced fear in some form or the other. It is equally possible that most of us would have overcome most of these fears but are plagued by some select fears still. There would also be the more unfortunate lot who perhaps have not been able to overcome some of the fears and continue to be terrorized. While extreme psychological problems could explain acute fears and phobia that would require expert treatment, for the vast majority the fears they suffer from are largely self imposed, partly justified but definitely not to be ignored. It is essential that each of us confront our fears or they will be shackles that will limit our ability to soar higher in our life.

Here are 3 ways to conquer our fears.

Acknowledge them. Most times we tend to ignore our fears and hope they go away. Other times we are so ashamed of it we hide it to the best of our ability. Like a good doctor who focuses on the diagnosis, one must be ready to face the reality and identify our fears no matter how trivial it may seem to others. By acknowledging our fears we are pinpointing the problem, we become more conscious and aware of the reality and we then have an opportunity to work on eliminating the problem. Eg. Many people are afraid of change. However they would mask it in the garb of being comfortable with the existing setup or dismiss suggestions of change as ‘ not really suited for an old dog to do learn new tricks’. The danger here is that change may overtake us and then we would crib that we missed the opportunity or that we weren’t given a fair chance to keep up with new systems etc.

Assess them. It is essential to be pragmatic about our fears and asses them. Not all fears need to be confronted. Many a fear can be ignored for it might not impact us directly. A fear of going underwater or paragliding are not majorly career limiting or life impacting unless one wants to make a career in it. However it is imperative that we assess each of our fears that we acknowledge and rationalize its relative importance in our life. For a lawyer in court effective public speaking skills would be almost as important as knowing the law. Theatrics may not count for much although it may have some impact too. By assessing the fears we can pay special attention to those that are critical and take corrective steps. Eg. Our fear of public speaking could possibly be the result of a failed public performance in childhood for which we were mercilessly chided. However if we cloak it under the garb of being shy and do nothing about it we would never overcome it and possibly our potential would be limited and stunted to that extend.

Attack them: There are no soft options to confront our fears. However if we manage to appreciate the psychological and logical reasoning for our fears we would have won half the battle. The tougher part is to attack our fears by taking the risk of confronting it. This must be done cautiously, deliberately and purposefully.In being cautious one has to take steps to ensure that the process is chosen with care and that it won’t make a bad situation worse. In being deliberate the process is executed to a plan with safe guards to minimize the risks if any. In being purposeful there are planned goals that one seeks to attain and then thereafter one resets the bar to achieve better results.

In overcoming our fears, we achieve 3 things. We eliminate our fear or at least minimize it, we increase our potential and end up being confident and successful

Remember: “Like Pain, fear can be controlled” Joss Whedon

Try these:

Identify 3- 5 of your fears and outline at least 3 steps to overcome it. Eg. Fear of mathematics or fear of snakes/ cockroaches/ rats etc. or fear of meeting people in authority like a school principal/ chairman etc.

How would you react to the following situations?

During your annual medical checkup the doctor expresses a doubt that you have a possible cancerous lymph node.

A file containing confidential information which is kept with for safe keeping is suddenly not traceable after the office has been shifted to a new location.

You have borrowed your friends car for an urgent trip and unfortunately another rash driver smashes his vehicle into the car you are driving and badly damages it.

Your best friend accuses you of gossiping behind his/ her back and refuses to have any ties with you.

“Self-confidence gives you the freedom to make mistakes and cope with failure without feeling that your world has come to an end or that you are a worthless person.”

For many people finding their passion is relatively easier than having the confidence to trust their judgment about their passion. Similarly, barring a miniscule population, the vast majority of people are always very frustrated with their life, be it their personal life, their professional life or their social life. The common thread that binds both sets of people is the root cause of their disenchantment and disillusionment, which in a nutshell can be said to be lack of self confidence. Lack of self belief is often a byproduct of numerous unpleasant influences which could include negative childhood scripting, a not so outstanding academic performance, social pressures coupled with unreasonable parental expectations, unfair and odious comparisons with more talented siblings or peers, a poor self image etc. That apart, the pressures of the competitive world, the stress of coping with comparisons compelled by a consumerist society and personal weakness in attitude, behavior and actions add to the woes of an individual. Yet, it is never too late to regain your self confidence and enjoy the riches it brings in one’s life.

Here are four ways to cope with the problem of lack of self confidence.

Know that you are UNIQUE: It is essential to realize that even if you have an identical twin, YOU will always remain unique and special for no one can ever duplicate you in any way. This realization that you are an unique individual, should strengthen your belief that as an unique individual you have every opportunity and responsibility to leave your mark in this world. The simple proof is the uniqueness of your signature. Sign on a piece of paper and enjoy the power of your uniqueness reflected in that signature.

Identify your strengths and build up on them: Our biggest problem stems from the fact that we are constantly trying to outdo others rather than focusing on leveraging our abilities and our strengths which are unique to us. Some of us are physically strong while others are gifted with intellectual brilliance, while some others have strength of character and others endowed with moral and physical courage. Perhaps some have the ability to be self disciplined, while others are dogmatic and persistent while there could be others who are calm collected and unfazed even during the most trying times. Ask yourself what are those unique strengths that you posses and find ways and means to leverage that in your work and life. Self confidence will automatically embrace those who focus on their potential.

Make a fresh start everyday Everyone has good days and bad days. No one can perennially live of the good days and it is equally true that the bad days never have an extended run. Obviously then the best way to treat life with confidence is to relish those good days when they come and to quickly get over the bad days. In effect, be aware that each day is an opportunity to have a fresh start and a positive approach nurtures positive results which in turn reinforces self confidence.

Nurture self confidence. There are no self confidence pills that can boost ones confidence in a jiffy. Instead look at nurturing self confidence as a process of going a few steps forward each day and on a bad day perhaps we may slip a step or two behind. The focus must be on the progress made. Viola, before we know it we are confidently marching towards our goals, realizing our ambitions and adding to our self esteem with each milestone we cross.

Remember:“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.” E. E. Cummings

Try this:

Identify 3 of your greatest apprehensions / fears. Work out a plan to overcome this apprehension and actually confront it in the next 3 months. ( Here are some examples of fears/ apprehensions for you to get an idea of what you may have to confront. Fear of public speaking; fear of lizards/ snakes; attempting to bowl in a bowling alley; wearing flashy clothes; confronting an insolent subordinate/ desperately wanting a pet but fearful of your ability to manage it )

Attempt to do the following

Engage in arm wrestling with a friend/ colleague/ your sibling/ spouse/ children

Take two pieces of A4 size paper and with one of them make a paper boat and with the other an aeroplane. (Did you feel foolish when you did not know how to proceed because you had forgotten those kiddish activities?)

Borrow a bicycle and ride it for a kilometer or so at least. (Did the legs creak, were you able to balance easily, were you embarrassed that you tired very quickly and had to dismount, did you feel silly because others were watching?)

Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow, but only saps today of its strength. A.J. Cronin

Strange as it may seem, many of us worry because the pain of worry seems to offer an axis around which one can go in circles and feel that we have actually done our bit to stem the tide. Unfortunately we fail to realize that in the process we have expended our energies, have not really changed the reality that stares at us and if anything we have just compounded our worries by wasting the present moment. Assume we have an exam coming up and we have squandered away our time. Suddenly the reality of the exam date looms ominously ahead and instead of at least attempting to salvage the situation if we panic and brood and worry about our performance and fate, we would only have made a bad situation worse.

To cope with worry, we need to see the bright side of a hopeless situation and the get busy with our work today. Both these are tough especially when the Damocles sword of an impending worry is looming over our head. Seeing the bright side of a hopeless situation is a paradox in itself because hopelessness means a dark and bitter reality ahead. The brightest aspect of it is that at some point it will be over and done with. There could be other small but significant happenings like someone in dire pain lapsing into a comma where there will be no pain or failure helping one to switch tracks a decision which we longed for but didn’t dare to take. The key is to find straws of hope to clutch on to without turning those straws into steel ropes to latch on to and clamber out. One worry that is hard to overcome is the ‘what only if ‘syndrome. Take the case of a student who loses his rank by one mark. He/she can keep ruing that one silly mistake or the one question not studied well but the reality will not change. Or take the case of a person who is on the final question of ‘who wants to be a millionaire’ and chances his. her luck and fails.

If we can see the bright side of the future and to that extend minimize our worries, then we need to turn our focus on keeping busy. This is not to say one needs to engage in worthless and futile work rather one has to divert our positive energies into ensuring that w do our current jobs well. By being busy, our mind is occupied and will not stray and catch the worry bug. At the same time, we would achieve some of our personal and professional goals, have no regrets about wasting our time and efforts and the net result is that we remain fit and agile. Where we really stumble is when do a tardy job, turn out shoddy work and pass the blame on to our worries and anxieties. In the lexicon of the brave and the pragmatic person, today is what counts for the opportunities and the time will never come again no matter what the reality will be tomorrow. Ask if we can we be concerned about the problem rather than worry about it?

Remember: There is a great difference between worry and concern. A worried person sees a problem, and a concerned person solves a problem.” Harold Stephens

Try this:

Make a list of 10 worries and assign 100 marks to be distribute amongst those worries with the highest marks going to the worry that we are most anxious about. Focus on the top three worries and orient yourself to be concerned about finding a solution.

Ask yourself if more than 3 of the following traits are frequently exhibited by you, for then that shows signs of a person who worries too much.

A man will fight harder for his interests than for his rights. Napoleon Bonaparte

As a citizen of a democratic nation each one of us has the right to exercise his/ her franchise and vote in the elections. How many of us have diligently used this right without giving any excuses and voted responsibly? Similarly those eligible for pension are expected to personally go and collect their pension each month. Most of those eligible for pension are old and suffer from various ailments but their family members ensure that they are dutiful taken on the respective dates to collect the pension but the same people may not honor the wishes of these elder people to cast their vote during the elections. This might seem like a bizarre example but it clearly illustrates the stark reality and the naked truth about the approach of people with respect to their rights and their interests.

There is the inherent selfishness that governs the approach of most people to focus on their interests because they are directly affected by it. Rights on the other hand are conferred on us and we have the option to use it as and when we want though the underlying principle of the right is to empower the person to exercise his/ her right for both personal good but largely for the public good. Take the case of people at a railway platform. They have the right to take a platform ticket and avail of the facilities on the platform including using the benches put there to sit on it. While the honest citizen will diligently follow it, the unscrupulous ones will try to hoodwink the authorities and yet claim their right to the seats on the benches. Even more uncouth is the tendency of people to occupy one seat and use the other seat to keep their luggage on lest the luggage get soiled when kept on the floor or it is used to ensure personal privacy by not allowing another to sit on the adjacent seat.

Many of us may have observed the above happenings from afar but may never be directly concerned with such episodes and so we may have a smug feeling of relief that we are not guilty of such tendencies and that we will sacrifice our interests when we have to chose between our rights and our interests. The unfortunate reality is that each one of us is guilty of the crime of being self centered and selfish enough to put our personal interest far ahead of our rights. The most classic case is the fine line that distinguishes between avoiding paying taxes and evading taxes. We have the legitimate right to avoid paying taxes by utilizing the provisions of the law legitimately. Yet when we it comes to our own taxes if we perceive it to be still exorbitant, we would resort to conveniently interpreting the law, perhaps indulge in some dubious means to asses our taxes or simply fudge the returns with the ultimate aim of minimizing the tax burden.

On a more macro level, we as citizens are also guilty of being mute witnesses and turning a blind eye to despicable practices like the use of child labor ( denying them the right to freedom and education), cruelty to animals ( illegal use for animal testing of drugs being the biggest culprit), disparity in wage structure between women and men, denying fair wages to the marginalized and downtrodden etc. It is not that we practice it, but our refusal to stand up for their rights that makes us party to the crime of being focused on our interests without exercising our rights.

List out 3 of your pet social causes. Now that you are interested in them outline how you will exercise your rights to ensure that you play an active role in making the social causes fructify and deliver results.

Assuming you have the time and the inclination to use the Right To Information act (RTI), make a list of causes, public interest matters, areas of concern in which you would possibly use the act. What prevents you from invoking the provisions of the act for public good?