Harvey: So Myron, there's one thing I can't figure out. You prosecuting for the government?

Reducto: That's right, Birdman, yell it nice and loud.

Harvey: What?

Reducto: I'm not prosecuting.

Harvey: Oh my God, am I supposed to be prosecuting?

Reducto: Not for the government at least. Look, that man over there.

Harvey: Hm. The jukebox?

Reducto: No! [pulls out a complicated schematic] There is no government, just a few multi-national corporations that run everything.

[The words "An AOL/Time Warner Co." appear on the bar's sign.]

Harvey: Myron, Myron!

Reducto: The bear's a threat to the new world order, Birdman. Soon there will be one worldwide currency-

[The bartender walks over]

Reducto: [Falling out of his chair] AHH!!! I'll make you fun-size!

Harvey: One currency? [laughs]

Bartender: Your tab.

Harvey: Right. [counting money] One euro. Two euro.

Harvey: Mr. Boo Boo, would you consider yourself a revolutionary?

Boo Boo: Well, no. But I do believe corporations rob us of our dignity and independence, and that these systems must be ripped down, burnt down, or leveled by any force necessary... but that's just one little bear's opinion.

Harvey: And before you answer this next question, let me remind you that you swore [pulls out a giant Bible] ON A BIBLE to tell the truth here today. [throws it away] So, tell us [points above] AND GOD, where the song 'Lovely Lovely' came from? HE'D like to know.

Phil: Everyone get in here! [everyone is instantly in Phil's office] Who can tell me what's different about my office?

Peanut: You hid the interns?

Phil: Everything's gone! I leave last night with everything right where it's supposed to be, [scene wipes to a flashback of the office looking exactly the same as it does now] then I come back this morning and everything's missing. The baby grand piano that was right there... gone!

Harvey: [thinking] There was never a piano there.

Phil: Yes there was, Birdman! You can still see the dimples in the carpet where it stood... next to the 14-foot-high golden Buddha.

Harvey: [thinking] There was never a 14-foot-high golden--

Phil: Keep your thoughts to yourself, Birdman! Don't you understand? I'm a victim! God, I feel so unclean! Tell you what... I'm going to cover my eye and whoever stole the items in question can just put them back and I won't ask any questions. [covers his eye patch] OK, I'm not looking! Can't see a thing! Nine-alligator, ten-alligator, ready or not, here I come! Ha ha ha... I wish! Well the Buddha is back, BUT THE BABY GRAND IS STILL MISSING! So, while I consider myself to be a benevolent...-ish dictator, I have no choice but to introduce a battery of oppressive security measures. Frisking! Cavity searches! This easy-to-understand colour-coded crime alert system! And for everyone's safety and security, and to preserve our way of life, I'm taking a drastic step and putting up a security camera. Just one... for safety, security, and omniscient, unblinking information gathering of everyone's activities.

Phil: [over the PA] Attention employee! Attention employee! It is against Sebben & Sebben regulations to tamper with or disable toilet paper dispensers in the lavatories! You are allotted one sheet of tissue per visit.

Harvey: One sheet?!

Phil: Repeat: One sheet per visit.

Potamus: [appearing from under the stall partition] Want mine? I ain't gonna use it.

Harvey: Our Founding Fathers... guaranteed us certain protections. The freedom of speech, freedom of religion, the freedom to own and play stringed instruments of all kinds. Those Founding Fathers didn't place restrictions on these freedoms. They didn't say, "The right to play guitar shall not be violated, except when used to play Green Day's, 'Time of Your Life,' over and over again in the common area of your dorm!" *No!* Where will these restrictions end? A background check when you want to take up banjo? A five day waiting period to buy a Telecaster? An all-out ban on the Flying V or, dare I say, whammy bar? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is up to *you* to defend our right to keep and bear guitars.

Reducto: Yes, our Founding Fathers were certainly comfortable with the idea of the lute or the fiddle, but how could they have foreseen the fretless bass? No! There was absolutely no way for them to imagine a time when men would walk the streets brandishing Edgar Winter's Special Edition portable keyboards with standard MIDI interface.

Reducto: And while the good people of the National Guitar Association might like you to think otherwise, do you really think we'd all be safer if everyone were walking around with a Sunburst Rickenbacker in their pockets?

[Phil's Presidential Campaign commercial, starts with song about how he's "seen almost half of America" with a video of a stripper dancing]

Phil: I'm Phil Ken Sebben. You may not know me, but I have 12-billion dollars here that says you'll vote for me regardless.

Narrator: Phil Ken Sebben. Strength. Leadership. Vision.

Phil: [Interrupting] Oh, almost forgot! I've taken every drug known to man. And not just orally. Just gettin' that out there.

Narrator: Paid for by the people who gave Phil Ken Sebben 12-billion dollars.

Reducto: Well, actually it was invented for other, more dastardly...yes, for the booty!

Norlissa: Is it safe?

Reducto: It's patented in Sweden.

Norlissa: How much does it cost?

Reducto: FREE! I mean, it's free.

Norlissa: Well all right, when can I make an appointment?

Reducto: I have an opening right now. Turn around.

Norlissa: You're gonna do it right here!?

Reducto: It's out-patient! BACK OFF!

[Reducto changes the switch on his shrink gun from 'Reduce' to 'Enlarge']

Reducto: Lord help me.

[zapping sound; Reducto enlarges Norlissa's backside]

Norlissa: Ooh...that didn't hurt a bit!

Reducto: Oh, speak for yourself!

Harvey: Mr Gator ... [Wally Gator breaths menacengly, Harvey steps back], tell the court in your own words what you do each day

Wally Gator: Well ..., I fish and hunt, then I watch NASCAR. yep.

Harvey: Things have been harder lately?

Wally Gator: Oh sure have! All these chain stores sprung up all over the place

Harvey: And the wildlife you're accused of injuring while trying to make your living crawfising in the swamp?

Wally Gator: Manatees[Switch to projecting slides where Wally shreds a manatee with his speedboat fan]. Don't see why the laws protecting them! Ain't nothin but floatin' meatsacks! [Court in surprise, deputy zips up pants] . Huh, federal government has NO BUSINESS tellin me how I should live MY LIFE!!!

Potamus: Nonsense! We'll have four bloomin' onions and the full slab of baby backs. For the table!

Shado: [telepathically]I AM NO LONGER EATING PORK. [talking out loud] I just telepathically communicated that I am no longer eating por—

Potamus: Yeah, yeah; here. [tosses Shado a basket of crackers]

Mentok: More witnesses, evidence, anything like that?

Potamus: Nah, we're done.

Mentok: [in Peter Potamus's head] Call Shado to the stand.

Potamus: I... call... Shado... to the... stand... Now what?

Mentok: [in Peter Potamus's head] Ask him the question.

Potamus: Uhh... did you...

Mentok: Go on.

Potamus: Did you... get... that thing I... sent ya?

Shado: [telepathically]THE THING YOU SENT?[talking out loud] I'm sure I did! One moment... [sorting through papers] I think it was on buff, or maybe goldenrod.

Mentok: And how long did they have to respond, Mr. Potamus?

Potamus: Two weeks.

Mentok: Oh, and let's see. That was two weeks ago right... now! MISTRIAL!

Shado: [talking out loud] But nobody knew about that request for discovery. I hid it so well! How—

Mentok: Did I know? Back at the bar, when you thought we were getting all palsy-walsy, I was actually flipping through that sorry organizer you call a mind, looking for DIRT! Ya know what we call THAT?! MIND-TAKING BABY!!!!! ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!!!!!! YOU'VE TRIED THE REST, NOW TRY THE BEST!! ONCE YOU'VE GONE BLACK, YOU NEVER GO BACK!!!!!!!!!

Harvey: So, I didn't hurt this guy, or that guy, or that guy, or this...gal?

Mentok: Oh, no. You hurt 'em, Birdy. You hurt 'em real bad. But you won! And that's all that matters!

Reducto: Your Honor, Sheriff Ricochet took a—DON'T YOU MOVE FROM THAT CHAIR!—an oath to protect the public, to ensure the public's—YOUR LEGS! STOP MOVING YOUR LEGS!—safety. But in the end he caused more property damage, more injury and loss of life than the very criminals he was—

[Ricohet Rabbit starts bouncing around the courtroom]

Reducto: [Jumping around and firing his shrink gun] AHHH! You see? This is just the sort of reckless endangerment of which I speak! AHHHH!

Birdman: And if someone were stunned, even momentarily, that may be enough time to recover my...

Robert Osborne: And that was 1944's "Double Indemnity" with Fred MacMurray and, of course, the glorious Barbara Stanwyck. Now, later Frank Capra would confess in his autobiography that he fell in love with Stanwyck and had he not been more in love with Lucille Rayburn, whom he eventually did marry, he would have asked Barbara Stanwyck to marry him, after she called it quits with Frank Fay and before she married Robert Taylor. Well, that's it for tonight, thanks for watching, and I'll see you next time.

[they come across an unnamed governor suspiciously-reminiscent of George Wallace at the schoolhouse gates]

Peanut: I'd look elsewhere for that...

[Harvey is in a stall in the bathroom]

Birdman: [sighs]

Potamus: That you Birdman?

Birdman: You know, now is not a great time.

Potamus: Did'ja get that thing I sent ya?

Birdman: No! No I didn't! I never get that thing you sent me! I've never gotten that thing you sent me, and I'm beginning to wonder if you ever once sent me anything! While I'm at it, if I HAD gotten that thing you sent me—EVER!—I doubt I'd be interested in what it said. [loud sigh]

Potamus: [whimpers]

Birdman: Hey, hey, oh... I'm, I'm sorry.

Potamus: [sobs uncontrollably]

Birdman: Look, I, uh... I made a mistake. Yeah! It seems I did get something earlier today.

Potamus: [bursts out of stall] YA DID!? [runs out of bathroom] HE GOT THAT THING I SENT 'EM!

Phil: [showing the triplets how to tie a knot] The rabbit comes out of the hole, goes around the tree, sees a lady rabbit and invites her back to the waren, but then remembers he's married, so he takes a detour to that little motel out on the interstate.

Spewie: What else can you teach us, Mr. Phil?

Phil: Uhh, I dunno. How about first aid?

[the triplets cheer]

Phil: Alright. Lesson number 1: choking. Okay, which one of you can pretend to be choking for me? Has to be realistic, now.

Voice over: Sebben and Sebben gives back to the community in a number of ways, our support of the arts featuring the annual Sebben and Sebben Shakespeare festival

[Phil is is alone on a stage, dressed as Hamlet.]

Phil: To die... to sleep... to sleep, perchance to dream; ay, there's the rub... Ha ha... rub! For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come... must give us pause... make us bear those... uh, I've forgotten. Huh... I know I'm depressed about something. Uh-ba-da-da... mother: dead.... no, father dead, mother alive, kind of a sexy thing with the mom, uncle; probably killed my father, girlfriend: crazy as a loon, her father's a chatterbox, I killed him... ah, this is all too complicated. [Thunderous applause.]

Voice over: And most importantly providing the resources for individual employees to set up their own charity work, like the Peter Potamus Home for Hot Unwed Mothers.

Elliott: Harvey Birdman. Harvey Birdman. Baffacch! Baffacch! Just the latest in a long series of duplication slights. [Cut to a photo shop] First, there was his ridiculous refusal to accept the second set of photo prints.

Clerk #1: Want twin shots?

Harvey: One print's fine.

Elliott: [in a video rental store] Then...

Elliott: Do you have Double Indemnity?

Clerk #2: [pointing to Harvey in line with movie and pouring popcorn into his mouth] That guy's got it.

Elliott: Then, his dating of not just one, but both of the Doublemint Twins.

[The twins get into Harvey's convertible and drive off with him, leaving Elliott in the dust]

Elliott: Baffacch! Now his final crime, the crime for which I will exact revenge—getting my name wrong. Everyone knows it's Elliott—two L's and two T's. I have two of EVERYTHING, for I am the Deadly Duplicator!

Harvey Birdmans: I/we know what you've been up to, Elliott, or should I say "the Deadly Duplicator". Your reproductive days are over!

Hiram Mightor[quick cutaway] Deedle-deedle-dee.

Elliott: We'll see about that, Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman, and Birdman and Birdman.

Hiram Mightor: Don't have to tell you anymore. Clearly you haven't been reading your Scalia.

Harvey: You're a genie?

Mentok: Used to be a genie. I was also a sex worker, a Cossack, and an EST instructor for a summer in Marin. My point? I'm in jail, you idiot! Look, Shazzan has everyone fooled. He's trying to pin it on me.

Harvey: So, we'll...we'll just go to the judge and tell him your story.

Mentok: I'm a judge! We don't believe anything!

Potamus: [from inside bathroom stall] That you, Birdman?

[Potamus emerges from stall, sees that it is a custodian mopping bathroom floor]

Potamus: I haven't had bread for months. I've had a wallear for a Kaiser roll or somethin' starchy. Oyster crackers—anything! A sammich without bread iddn't a sammich—it's meat with mustard on your hands! What's that one, POPPY?!

Phil Ken Sebben: That monster is attacking Judy!

Harvey Birdman: But Phil, he's saving her!

Phil Ken Sebben: My God, you're right! (Presses tank fire button) I can't believe it! (Presses tank fire button) I was so wrong about that creature, dead wrong. Ha ha! Foreshadowing! About the dead part, not the wrong part. I only saw his grotesque visage, not his noble, majestic hearrrrrt.

Harvey: I have to call this number to find out if I have to report for jury duty (looks around, sees he is alone) Wait, who am I talking to? (Dials number, Mentok answers phone like an automated recording)

Mentok: If your number is greater than 3000...(Harvey looks at his number: 2147)...you don't have to come in tomorrow.

Harvey: Damn!

Mentok: I'm not finished.

Harvey: Oh.

Mentok: If your number is divisible by 19, you don't have to come in tomorrow

Harvey: Umm...(gets pen and paper)

Mentok: If two trains leave your number at the same time travelling at the same speed in different directions, you don't have to come in tomorrow.

Harvey: Hold on...

Mentok: If your number is 2147 or less, you don't have to come in tomorrow.

Harvey: YES!!

Mentok: Unless it IS "2147" WHICH MEANS YOU DO!! WE'LL SEE YOU AT 5:45 AM, SUCKERRRR!!!

Harvey: $27.90? But this meal voucher they gave us is only good for three dollars.

Elliott the Deadly Duplicator: (behind the counter) Ah-HA-ha-hahaha! Yes! YES! The mighty Birdman humbled by a chimichanga! Wait, that thing is $27.90? (clerk nods) Are you kidding me?! That's bullshit! He doesn't even get a fountain drink! Gimme that! (snatches voucher and duplicates it) There, now you owe him $8.10. How's that feel, huh?(Elliot exits cafe, turns left, another Elliot comes from right side of the door and jumps on counter) And what the fuck is chipotle anyway?!

Mentok: And he's not alone; I gave him the keys to the Death-Con 12 (12).

Harvey: How could you?!

Mentok: Hey, nobody's perfekt. That's spelled with a K.

Phil: No matter how many times you say that, it still gets me ro- Oh, my God! I just did the math! By "Daddy", you don't mean bend me over your knee and call the fire department because you have a flamer down there; you mean Daddy! Judy! Daughter, is it you?

Everyone in the Background: Yes!

Phil: I can't believe you were trying to get into your own father's pants. Now that's just sick. And me helpless, (pointing down) with the one eye.