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Dear Abby Landers

Something I Read Recently about Ann Landers

Randy Cohen, the guy who for a number of years wrote the Ethicist column for the New York Times Magazine, has recently edited a book collection of his columns. In a review I read of the book, the reviewer says that Cohen praises Ann Landers as being an inspiration. I'll take your word for how she dealt with gender issues, but Cohen apparently thinks that on other topics, she gave good advice more often than not.

Dear Abby, Dear Abby ...
My feet are too long
My hair's falling out and my rights are all wrong
My friends they all tell me that I've no friends at all
Won't you write me a letter, Won't you give me a call
Signed Bewildered

Bewildered, Bewildered...

Chorus:
You have no complaint
You are what your are and you ain't what you ain't
So listen up Buster, and listen up good
Stop wishing for bad luck and knocking on wood

Dear Abby, Dear Abby...
My fountain pen leaks
My wife hollers at me and my kids are all freaks
Every side I get up on is the wrong side of bed
If it weren't so expensive I'd wish I were dead
Signed Unhappy

Unhappy, Unhappy...

Repeat Chorus

Dear Abby, Dear Abby...
You won't believe this
But my stomach makes noises whenever I kiss
My girlfriend tells me It's all in my head
But my stomach tells me to write you instead
Signed Noise-maker

Noise-maker, Noise-maker

Repeat Chorus

Dear Abby, Dear Abby...
Well I never thought
That me and my girlfriend would ever get caught
We were sitting in the back seat just shooting the breeze
With her hair up in curlers and her pants to her knees
Signed Just Married

I thank Ann Landers

- Because of her column, I learned the word "masturbate".

When I was around ten or twelve years old (1968-1970), there were several letters in her column asking whether or not it was okay to masturbate. I do not recall whether the letters were from males or females, nor do I recall Ms. Landers' responses, but I became curious about the word, and asked my mother what it meant. My mother was not comfortable discussing such things with her young son, but gave me a vague, incomplete answer something like:

Mom: Well, you know how a man has to get hard before he can have sex with a woman?
Me: (no clue what she means) Yeah.
Mom: Well, it is when he does that with his hand.
Me: Oh.