A counselor's ideas and insights about sex and relationships in college

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Having Sex While Having Roommates

It’s move in weekend. Everyone, including the new freshmen, are back on campus. This means sharing those small spaces again. Good times! Living in the residence halls can be fun, but sometimes it can be a pain in the ass. One of the sacrifices of living with others is that you can’t do what you want, when you want, all the time. You have to learn to share. After meeting that hot, new coed, who you REALLY want to get to know better, it can be easy to forget that you still have one, two or even three roommates. However, if you are having sex while they are in the room you can be sure they haven’t forgotten you!!

Some students are respectful when it comes to having sex in the dorms. Others? Not so much! Some people are so in the moment they don’t seem to notice or care that there are other people in the room. The other thing they aren’t aware of is how much noise they are making. Yes, it may be dark in your room so your roommate can’t see you, thank God!, but that doesn’t mean they can’t hear you!! You may think you are being quiet, but usually you’ve underestimated how noisy sex can be if someone is trying to sleep only 5 feet away. This can be a quick way to make an enemy out of your roommate.

So, what do you do when you want to have some alone time but share your space with other people? Most roommates can be understanding if they feel they are being respected. The respectful thing to do is to talk to your roommate about your situation. Ask them if you can have some alone time in the room. I’m sure they would rather study for a while somewhere else than be a witness to your sexual exploits. If you have class at opposite times, this may be a great time to have your “friends with benefits” moment. If you just want a quickie, wait until your roommate is in the shower before bed and then do it while he or she is out of the room. Once you get to know how your schedule fits with your roommate’s, you can plan for those times when you have the room to yourself to get your groove on. It is possible to have sex, and not have an audience, even in the dorms.

If your roommate is gone and you aren’t sure when they are coming back, leave a note on the door that you need some privacy until a certain time. That way your roommate knows not to walk in while you are in a compromising position. Also, realize it isn’t fair to keep your roommate out of the room until 1am every night so you can have your “alone” time. Try to change it up and stay in your boyfriend or girlfriend’s room sometimes to give your roommate a break. Be conscious of the fact that there are already two or three people sharing your small space. If your boyfriend or girlfriend spends the night all the time, it adds another body to the same amount of space. This is not what your roommates signed up for. If your roommate is okay with it, great. However, remember to ask their permission. Don’t just assume just because it’s your room you can do whatever you want. Again, it’s all about sharing and compromise. A lot of students have their boyfriend, girlfriend, or casual hook ups spend the night. Just don’t make it a nightly habit.

Also, be aware that other people are in the rooms next door. Play some music or have the tv on when you have sex so others near your room aren’t disturbed as well. I’d guess that many people would rather hear any type of music over hearing people having sex while they are trying to study. Be aware that you aren’t the only person on the planet. If you are living around hundreds of other people, you will have to be more creative to get your space and alone time. If you’ve always had your own room and space, this can be a hard adjustment. You may never have had to compromise or give something up to make someone else happy. If you choose to live in the college residence halls than compromise is going to be your new way of life.

Roommate issues can be very stressful. Try to make it as easy as possible for the other people living around you. Hopefully if you give, you will get back.