Its a world full of Monkeys!

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Large Hardron Collider successor announced

Switzerland, NEUTRAL, Earth, Sol, Milky Way: CERN, the leading physics institute of Europe has today announced plans for another LHC style particle accelerator this time beneath the streets of London.

The proposal uses the circle line of the century old London underground network to reduce cost. It is proposed that super conductive magnets be placed along strategic points along the subterranean yellow line in order to create the magnetic fields necessary for the collider to function. The circle line will benefit from being the only line in the underground network to have a sort of air conditioning as a result of the proposal.

In order for the super conductive magnets to operate the temperature of the circle line will have to remain colder than deep space at –271°C. These temperatures will mark the end of the dangerous hot sweaty summers that commuters have had to endure and will mean the circle line is the first underground in the world to become global warming safe. A side effect of the temperature means that the line will retain its trademark urine soaked scent for the foreseeable future of mankind, maintaining the heritage of London.

There are continued fears that this new particle accelerator will affect the health of the populace. However CERN believes that it has sufficiently tested the technology in Switzerland to no known ill effects.

Professor Gordon Freeman of CERN states:

“At CERN our primary concern is always the Muons, the quarks and the Hadrons of this universe, however we do take human safety seriously, this is why we tested the first LHC in Switzerland, a well armed country. If there was going to be a mass alien invasion or raising the dead caused by the LHC tearing a hole in space time, then we felt the Swiss would be well armed enough to deal with such an eventuality. The event of the Swiss being over powered, the French and British nuclear arsenal were constantly aimed at the LHC. As London is a large urban city, by its very nature it has large nuclear arsenal aimed at it. So we still have this fail safe in place. “

Other benefits of having the LHC’s successor include the vast amounts of money that the physicists will be spending on the nearby bars and brothels of Soho which will also prevent them releasing further musical projects in an attempt to relieve boredom.

Tracy Shaw a worker in a near by establishment states:

“It’s da best fing dat’s happened round ere for yonks mate. I cant wait to screw one of these nancy boys and get meself up the duff. First I’ll get the single parent benefit den I’ll have the benefit of havin my own Lex lutur. It’s going to be fooking sweet!

TRANSLATION: “I think it’s wonderful that we will have top level scientists around the area. It is the only chance my offspring will have of a half decent brain”The proposal will be put forward to parliament later today.