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Sally is married to a man who has put on 60 lbs since they got married but doesn’t listen to her advice on healthy eating. She has a 17-year-old daughter and a 14-year-old son. The daughter has a boyfriend Sally hates, and her son does not apply himself in school. Sally’s in-laws are judgmental and Sally tried extra hard to please her mother-in-law by competing with the other daughter-in-law. Sally sometimes feels anger and sadness rise in her and it takes all her energy to keep those emotions bottled up. She has almost daily headaches and has become dependent on pain killers and anxiety medication.

What advice would you give Sally? She could work on one situation at a time but they all have one thing in common: attachment. Sally’s energy is going towards wanting others to change while she is suppressing her own emotions and needs. She is attached to her husband taking her advice, to her daughter realizing that her boyfriend is not good for her, to her son working harder in school and to her mother-in-law liking her. She is also attached to those powerful emotions which she keeps pushing down by using painkillers to numb them out.

What would make the greatest difference for Sally and her family is for her to start directing her energy towards herself and her needs, and to develop a healthy detachment or non-attachment to the other situations.

Non-attachment or detachment does not mean “not to care” anymore. That is a common misunderstanding. Sometimes we get so frustrated with somebody not changing that we decide that we will “just not care anymore”. When we are shifting from being attached to a certain outcome to non-attachment this is not happening to punish the other people. If frustration is my trigger and punishment is my motivation, I have not developed true detachment. Non-attachment is to keep our own sanity and to allow a situation to unfold in whichever way it needs to unfold. We are still staying compassionate, but we surrender the need to control things.

Non-attachment comes from a true heart-space, a compassionate loving stance, but it means taking our energy back that we have bound up with expectations. Having a healthy detachment is to care but to not be attached to if, when or how the other person is going to take our advice, or if, when or how they do what we would like. If we are attached to them doing something or not doing something, we have allowed our expectations to rule us and to create disappointment and frustration. Our energy is bound up in a certain outcome.

Having healthy detachment from a situation means having a standpoint of non-judgment. We are not attached to how a situation should unfold. We can let it be what it is and have discernment. Discernment means to not tolerate a situation which is harmful to us. Sally’s mother-in-law is manipulative and disrespectful. Directing her energy back towards herself might also mean for Sally not to tolerate that anymore. With some separation from the pleaser voice inside her, Sally can decide to please herself and just let go of the competition between the daughters-in-law which neither one can win anyways.

Non-attachment to uncomfortable emotions means that we can allow our emotions to rise up, to feel them and to let them move through us. Sally has an opportunity to feel the anger and sadness and to realize that underneath it all she is carrying a lot of grief. She deserves to take time to experience and release these emotions.

Non-attachment to pleasurable emotions like happiness means not chasing after them in the outside world. Happiness can be found inside and enjoyed in each moment as it presents itself. Instead of putting her energy towards what she does not like, Sally can give herself permission to focus on the daily little moments of joy.

Non-attachment to food, substances, habits or activities means that we don’t depend on them for our emotional or physical well-being. Instead of eating, smoking, drinking, taking drugs, or engaging in addictive behaviours to feel better, we experience a healthy detachment. We are able to feel our emotions and pain and explore what message there is and which of our needs have to be addressed.

Non-attachment means surrendering and thus letting go of a tug-of-war we have gotten ourselves into. When Sally stops nagging her husband, or pushing her daughter to see certain bad qualities in her boyfriend, or lecturing her son about school, or letting go of the competition with the other daughter-in-law, these situations can pass. The husband can now feel it is his choice to eat healthier. The daughter does not need to rebel anymore and has a chance to see the boyfriend for who he is. Sally’s son gets to experience the natural consequences of not getting good grades; he has to stay at home to study instead of playing video games at his friend’s house. And the mother-in-law is unable to manipulate Sally anymore into doing something she does not want to do. Sally is free.

Last but not least, non-attachment helps us to go though difficult moments with a certain sense of humor, knowing that “This too shall pass”. When she takes a moment to see everything with humour, Sally remembers that her sister also had an “undesirable” boyfriend and eventually broke up with him, and that her husband used to be “lazy” himself when he was 14 and today is a successful engineer.

Where in your life are you attached to people and their choices, to situations unfolding a certain way, to emotions or to food/substances? I invite you to join me on a meditation to release these attachments, reclaim your energy and to surrender to everything unfolding perfectly.

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With the old year ending and the new year approaching, we look back and assess what we have manifested in 2017, and what we want to attract in 2018. Are you ready to set some powerful intentions for the new year? Let me share one specific end of year ritual with you which you can use.

Ten years ago, when I was attending Unity Church, I came across a beautiful manifestation technique: On the last day of the old year, you write a letter from the perspective of the end of the next year. Or in other words, you write a letter from your future self, giving thanks and expressing gratitude for everything the new year has brought you. The extra twist at Unity Church was that they kept our letters and mailed them out to all of us a year later. It was usually amazing to read how many of the experiences, events and people described in the letter had really occurred or shown up.

How does this work? It’s the Law of Attraction. “Life is a mirror and will reflect back to the thinker what he thinks into it” (Ernest Holmes). We are engaging the law of the Universe and at the same time we are implanting beliefs and expectations into our subconscious mind. When we set powerful intentions, visualize clearly and feel what we want to create in our heart, we are speaking the language of the subconscious mind. Our subconscious stores the vision away and assists us in creating the future we really want.

I invite you to take time over the next couple of days to write such a letter to the Universe, or to Source, or to God, or to your own Higher Self. Drop into your heart. Just focus on your heart as if you are breathing in and out through the centre of your chest, recall a heart-felt memory full of love, joy, peace or harmony. Stay in this heart open space as you write your letter.

Remember, it’s your future self, one year older, who is writing a thank you letter for all that has occurred in 2018. Do not ask or pray for what you want but write in retrospect and with lots of gratitude for what has unfolded already. You can begin your letter with “I am so happy and grateful now that…” or any other way that feels like your heart is overflowing with thankfulness. And don’t limit yourself! Anything is possible if you really want it and can feel it. Have fun with this. When you have written the letter, drop into your heart again and read it out loud. Send your words out to the Universe knowing that your vision is already manifesting as you really feel it in your heart. And so it is.

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Every year, at the end of the summer, when I have returned from our trip home to visit family, usually combined with a little holiday somewhere else in Europe, I am in a contemplative mood. I wonder what creates the happy and content feeling of the summer and how to keep it going the rest of the year. In previous years, I have written about vacations being a Vacation Away From My Planner Self, about Our Vacation Self and whether Vacations Make Us Happier.

As uncovered in previous years, the link is not a direct link between holiday time and happiness. There is, however, a correlation of happiness and spending time with family or close friends. The level of happiness is not dependent on the fact whether I can afford to go on vacation, but it is dependent on what I do during my time off. Deep nurturing connections, love, laughter, support, and acceptance are all factors in our experience of happiness. Spending time with a loving partner, or having fun with your family members or people who you feel close to, have the effect to increase your happiness.

One of the longest studies on happiness is the Harvard Study of Adult Development. For 75 years, several generations of researchers tracked the lives of 724 men from two very different walks of life. 60 of those 724 men are still alive today. Perhaps a bit gender biased in the original set-up when first started in 1938, the study at a later point included their wives as well. One group of the participants in the study started out as Harvard sophomores who almost all went to serve in WWII after college. The second group consisted of boys from one of the poorest neighbourhoods in Boston, young men from some of the most troubled and disadvantaged families.

Robert Waldinger, the 4th director of this study, reports about the findings and lessons on happiness in his excellent TED Talk “What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness.”

The one main lesson that stands out in this 75-year-long study is that happiness is “not about wealth or fame or working harder” (Waldinger). Instead, the one important insight not to miss is that “good relationships keep us happier and healthier” (Waldinger).

The Harvard researchers have learned three important facts:

Social connections with our family, our friends, and our community are extremely beneficial for us. They keep us physically healthier and allow us to live longer.

It is not enough to have relationships, for example to be married or have family, but the quality of our close relationships matters. High conflict marriages in which we feel lonely and unsupported are detrimental to our health. When we are in a relationship with little affection or with toxic interactions, the stress and loneliness shorten our lives. Living in the midst of good warm relationships, on the other hand, is protective.The Harvard researchers found that they could predict—based on the relationships people were in during their 50ties—how healthy they would be at age 80. The men who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. In addition, most happily married men and women reported that on days when they had most physical pain, their mood still stayed positive. Men and women in unhappy relationships, on the other hand, experienced that their physical pain was magnified by their emotional pain.

The study also showed that good relationships do not just protect our physical bodies, but they also protect our brains from decline. There was a clear correlation about being in a securely attached relationship in your 80ties and memory loss. Happily married people experienced that their memories stayed sharper longer. Those people who were in relationships wherein they felt unloved and felt that they couldn’t count on their partner experienced greater memory decline.

This does not mean that we have to always get along well. Relationships don’t have to be smooth all the time to be healthy. Waldinger reports that some couples could bicker day in and day out, but as long as they felt that they could count on one another when the going got tough, those arguments didn’t take a toll. That is in line with John Gottman‘s research findings. He showed that marriages don’t suffer because of arguments, but that it depends on how a couple argues and what basis the relationship has.

As humans, we like a quick fix, but as Walding points out, “relationships are complicated, messy and hard work” and that this work never ends. I would like to add that relationships are also full of moments which are simple, joyful and easy. However, relationships always require attention and effort.

The people in the study who were the happiest in their 80ties were the ones who had “leaned into relationships with family, friends and community”. What does it mean to lean into your relationships?

It starts with making time for family and friends, or doing something new together with a loved one, or reaching out to that family member you haven’t spoken to in years. Forgiveness, letting go, healing our own wounds, opening our hearts, reaching out to have difficult conversations, and communicating successfully are all part of building relationships which keep us healthy and happy.

Relationship Energetics provides you with tools and opportunities to build a good long life by building better relationships. Join Dhebi DeWitz and myself for the three day

Relationship Energetics Training

from Sept. 29 – Oct. 1, 2017

EARLY BIRD ($150 down by Sept. 8) $595

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Did you have a nice summer with lots of fun and interesting experiences? Perhaps you went on special family outings or even on a vacation? If so, you have collected beautiful memories. If so, you have also intuitively made the perfect choice for happiness and to recharge your emotional tank.

Spiritual teachers, philosophers and scientists have been striving to answer the question “What is happiness?” for a long time and in different ways. I have previously written about the happiness formula.

H = S + C + V

Happiness = the Set Point in the Brain + the Conditions of Living + our Voluntary Choices

Depression and anxiety are almost epidemics today, and peace, joy and happiness seem more elusive than ever. Why is that?

Are we perhaps focusing too much on the conditions, the relative facts of our life? Do we allow those relative conditions to prevent us from choosing happiness and fully experiencing it? What if instead of living from the outside in, we chose to live from the inside out?

Living from the inside out means taking charge of our mind and using it to our advantage. It includes examining our beliefs and changing the ones which do not serve us. We have the birth right to be happy. Our Good is constantly flowing and waiting to be received by us. Our beliefs are merely the impressions we have bought into. Our beliefs create our experience.

What shows up is just the out-picturing of the way we have been picturing things inside, the way we have been using our mind. When we use our mind differently, the out-picturing will inevitably be different. That does not mean to ignore the conditions but to realize that they only determine 10% of our happiness while our beliefs and mind set determine 50% and our voluntary choices 40%.

We overcome negative conditions by changing our mind to create better conditions. We need to choose to be grateful and happy, independent of what shows up around us. We need to make voluntary choices which increase our level of joy. Voluntary Choices are those choices we make for pleasure or for fulfillment.

Psychology Professor Thomas Gilovich from Cornell University has studied the subject of happiness and concludes that happiness is derived from experiences, not things.

“People often think spending money on an experience is not as wise an investment as spending it on a material possession. They think the experience will come and go in a flash, and they’ll be left with little compared to owning an item. But in reality we remember experiences long afterward, while we soon become used to our possessions. At the same time, we also enjoy the anticipation of having an experience more than the anticipation of owning a possession.” (Gilovich)

A get-away or other experience allows you to enjoy it in three different ways: the anticipation, the experience itself and remembering it in retrospect. Every moment spent on picturing it and reliving it brings up heartfelt feelings of joy and happiness again.

Furthermore, experiences with family and friends are like glue to our social lives. Experiences allow us to get closer to others in ways a material possession cannot. And ultimately, as human beings, we all long to be close to others.

Material possessions on the other hand give us less lasting joy. After we have acquired those inanimate objects, it is only a question of time until we get used to them. New things might be exciting at first, but then we adapt to having them.

Gilovich has also studied how we tend to have more regrets over missed interactions with others and missed experiences than over possessions we have not acquired. On our death bed, we might regret not to have connected more deeply with our children or other loved ones, but we won’t regret not having purchased the new car or newest TV.

As a society, we need to ask ourselves how to live more from the inside out, how to choose beliefs and activities that support joy and happiness. Social experiences and helping others lead to attention, affection and appreciation, and therefore to greater happiness and joy.

So next time you have the choice of whether to spend your money on a material possession or on an experience, especially if that experience involves connecting with or helping others, remember that the experience will enhance and make your life richer than the material possession.

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My friend Karen mentioned an inspirational book a while ago which is one of her favourite books. Not feeling well the other day, I grabbed the book as an easy read. My! It was an easy read, but am I glad I had a big box of Kleenex near by!

“The Richest Man in Town” is the story of Marty, a man in his seventies, who worked at Wal-Mart in a small town in South Dakota. What made Marty so remarkable that the author V.J.Smith decided to write about him?

Marty wasn’t like other cashiers. He loved people. He greeted every customer and really connected with them through listening, asking them interested questions or saying something nice to them, always coming from a truly authentic place. At the end, when the customers handed him money, he counted out the change, he “placed the change in his left hand, walked around the counter to the customer, and extended his right hand in an act of friendship. As their hands met, the old cashier looked the customer in the eyes. “I sure want to thank you for shopping here today, he told them. ‘You have a great day. Bye-bye.’”

His line up was always the longest. He made everybody feel special. People didn’t mind waiting for a friendly word, a handshake, or even a hug if they wanted one and a true connection from one caring human to another human. Marty spent about two minutes with each customer but he made those two minutes count. For those two minutes, the respective person—whether old or young, whether a cute little girl or a tough biker covered in tattoos—was the only person in Marty’s Universe. He treated everybody with respect and dignity.

Marty was born in 1926, grew up during the great depression, served in World War II, and never had a lot of money throughout his entire life. He had a wife, who he still at 76 felt was the prettiest girl he had ever met, and four children. He was humble, kind and compassionate. He lived in a trailer, yet was one of the happiest people. He had understood some simple truths:

Try to do a little more.

Only you can make you happy.

Relationships matter most in life.

If we just assume for a moment that this simple man had the simple knowledge to live a happy fulfilling life independent from his outer circumstances, we really have to ask ourselves honestly, “Am I giving other people or outer circumstances the responsibility for how I feel? Or am I taking full responsibility for my own happiness?” and “If relationships matter most in life, do I put enough time and love into my relationships?”

Personally, I find that I have to re-adjust my priorities every so often. It is so easy to get caught up in working, networking or superficial social contacts. All this is important but when I am on my death bed what will truly matter? The moments of real connections, the ways in which I have touched somebody else in their heart, the times in which somebody else felt seen, heard and accepted.

The entire town seemed to know Marty because he had a friendly word for everybody who came through his line at Wal-Mart. And Marty was human and liked that people remembered him for his kindness and friendliness. However, it seems Marty also cared in the same way about his own family. Sometimes we care so much how strangers see us that we forget that the people closest to us are the ones who matter most. Did I take that extra moment to be truly present with my child as he or she was talking? Did I connect with my spouse today? Did I hold that loving space of just listening for my mother when she called? Have I given somebody the gift today to be the only person in my Universe for a few moments?

Being compassionate and caring is not necessarily about fixing problems for others. First and foremost it is about listening, acknowledging the other person and their feelings and showing them that they matter. Even if they choose to feel less than positive, can we hold that space without fixing? Holding the space does not mean commiserating with them and confirming for them that they are a victim of a situation. Holding the space means trusting that they are whole, complete and resourceful. It means knowing for them that they can and will change their experience and how they feel—in their own time and in their own way.

Choosing to do what matters most, to be fully present with every person you encounter, creates happiness for them and for yourself. Make each moment count. The happiness you give comes back to you. That’s why Marty, a simple man without money or college education, was the richest man in town.

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Do you know that feeling when you can’t help but think your heart is going to burst? Driving home from dinner on Friday night with my family and two of my best friends, I had one of those moments which I call a “snapshot moment”. The kids started singing and in no time, all six of us were singing “Lean On Me”. My heart was overflowing with boundless joy and deep love. It was a simple yet powerful moment in time. And there is a part in me who takes somewhat of a kinaesthetic snapshot at that moment to eternalize this memory.

Sometimes a heartfelt experience is a small moment like being together and connecting through a smile, words or music, through love and trust; sometimes a snapshot moment can be an important moment, a significant episode.

One of my favourite snapshot moments is holding my first daughter just after she was born. I can instantly recall the feeling in my heart which I had as I was looking into her eyes. It was the end of a five year long fertility struggle. She was a surprise baby who, according to the doctors, was not supposed to have existed. She was the greatest gift I had ever received up to that point.

A heart-opening snapshot moment is usually full of love, laughter, inner peace, deep gratitude, aliveness, flowing in the moment, feeling complete or having a sense of unity and bliss.

Love is the impulse towards unity. In a snapshot moment there is no separation between you and others. Your heart is so full that there is no room for fear-based emotions like greed, jealousy, envy, resentment, anger, inferiority or not feeling good enough. We instinctively know the truth of who we are. There is no doubt that we are perfectly lovable and absolutely enough exactly the way we are.

In Holoenergetics® and Shadow Energetics® we use these loving memories to bring up heart-felt feelings in the centre of our chest to shift energy and to heal ourselves, others and our relationships through love. We do this, among other things, by embracing our dark or light shadows or by clearing and balancing the energy in relationships to each other.

Why do we utilize the power of love? Because love is the universal harmonic, the desire for unity. “While love can take many forms, its essence is relatedness. We can become aware of this relatedness or non-separation, which always exists. We can experience and feel it as the impulse toward unity, and we can express and manifest it through our actions.” (Leonard Laskow, Love as a Healing Force)

Because love dissolves all separation and smooths all chaos it is a powerful healing energy and the one catalyst for transformation. Our inability to love ourselves or to receive love from others is the source of most of our physical or emotional issues. As children we often receive mixed messages about love. During the process of growing up we are taught that we are separate and not safe. We develop a “me/us against them” consciousness. In her beautiful audio CD Your Heart’s Prayer, Oriah Mountain Dreamer shifts our experience by suggesting we say “some of us” instead of “they”. She then even takes it a step further and exchanges “some of us” with “part of me”. Hate and fear dissolve into understanding and love when we shift our consciousness towards unity.

Our struggles with love and with deep-seated feelings of separation are the result of our childhood experiences of conditional love or what felt like conditional love. Or we had experiences of abandonment, humiliation, rejection or betrayal. Those experiences lead to feelings of unworthiness, shame, and guilt that we are “not enough”. Shame, guilt and unworthiness breed physical and emotional illness.

When illness manifests in our body, we can choose to remain focused on symptoms and treating those, or we can go to the source of the disorder and transform it. This means going into ourselves, into our heart, to that part of our being that maintains the sense of unity instead of feelings of separation, isolation, fear or pain. It means choosing love, joy and peace within your mind and body. Nothing is more important than the feeling of self-love and happiness inside.

Being happy is the cornerstone of all that you are! Nothing is more important than that you feel good! And you have absolute and utter control about that because you can choose the thought that makes you worry or the thought that makes you happy; the things that thrill you, or the things that worry you. You have the choice in every moment.

—Abraham

What is your favourite snapshot memory? How often do you connect with one of those memories? How often do you laugh? How often do you hug your inner child and check in with her/his needs? How often do you connect with the love your true essence has for you, all part of you?

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Every year at New Year’s, most of us look back at the old year. We reflect and review. What were our successes and happiest moments? What dreams are still waiting to be created, or what goals do we want to strive for? Popular resolutions are losing weight, quitting smoking, exercising, de-cluttering, gaining financial abundance, or finding a romantic relationship.

Sometimes we get a bit confused about what we want to manifest. We say, for example, we want more money, better health, or a loving relationship. We focus on a certain dollar amount, or on having to exercise and cut out food, or on searching for that one perfect partner.

In each case the question really is, what do you want to FEEL?

Money is a means to an end. What you really want might be to feel abundance, or freedom to do what you like. Health is very abstract, and we can exercise and diet all we want and still not feel healthy and full of energy. We all need to find out what works for us as individuals to think and feel healthy. Love, again, is a feeling and is not bound to that one perfect relationship partner. When you begin to live loving relationships all around and you attract more love into your life, you become a magnet for the romantic partner you want.

No matter what dream or goal we have, no matter what we want to create in our lives, we ultimately want happiness. So it all begins with the decision to be happy. Let go of the past; stop rehashing the good and bad that’s over; stop worrying about the future; stop focusing on lack and on what you do not want! Decide to be happy right now, right here!

Pick one or two changes that you want to make and make them your first priority. Where attention goes, energy flows. And where your mental attention goes, your feelings follow. To experience what you want to experience, you begin with thinking what you want to feel.

Making changes and keeping your new year’s resolutions starts with changing your subconscious beliefs and thoughts. As you think differently, you are able to create better health, feel greater happiness and experience more abundance in every area of your life.

For belief change coaching, and techniques like hypnosis or Psych-K® to change your subconscious beliefs quickly and efficiently, contact Angelika:

Last week, I was on vacation with an old friend of mine. She is an amazing, conscious soul and throughout the week, when “life just happened,” she would smile at me and say, “Let’s do it like the ducks and shake this off.” She would literally pretend to flap her “wings”, make us all laugh out loud and then move on.

She was referencing Eckhard Tolle. In his book “A New Earth” he explains that in order to be happy with what shows up, we have to make peace by letting go of any negative thoughts. Tolle observed that after two ducks get into a fight they each flap their wings vigorously a few times to get rid of the surplus energy.

As human beings, we get stuck in our stories. We are resentful because of what happened or because things did not go according to plan. The lesson we can learn from the ducks is: flap your wings. Shake off the energy you feel after a negative encounter, let go of the stories you tell yourself, turn off that voice that wants to hold onto negativity, and return to the only place of power: the present moment. Give yourself permission to be happy right here, right now.

Stop complaining! Instead of focusing on what is negative or lacking or did not go according to plan, let it go and move forward. Complaining is a choice. Happiness is a choice. Being in the moment is a choice. You can do it like the ducks and shake off any energy that keeps you from being happy in the moment.

“Let us waste no further time looking for the secret of success or the key to happiness. Already the door is open and whosoever will, may enter.”

I always assumed there was a correlation between summer and vacation time on the one hand and an increase of happiness on the other. However, after researching this a bit I found out that scientific studies show that there is no correlation. People aren’t happier because they can take time off or go on vacation.

I was puzzled. So I continued searching. What I came across next was a correlation of happiness and spending time with family or close friends. So the level of happiness is not dependent on the fact that I can afford to take time off or even go on vacation but it is dependent on how I feed my soul when I am on vacation. Deep nurturing connections, love, laughter, support, acceptance are a factor in my experience of happiness. Spending time with a partner you love, having fun with your children or people who you feel close to and loved by have the effect to increase your happiness.

Ultimately, happiness cannot be bought with a vacation, happiness can only be found inside us. When we accept and love ourselves and also value and appreciate those close relationships we have in our life we feel happier and healthier.

This is good news because it means we can keep that feeling of happiness throughout the year. It does not have to be summer for us to be happier. All we need to do is focus on the people we love, on our family and friends.

Of course the people close to us also trigger and irritate us. That is their job! They are supposed to help us grow personally and spiritually! They are mirrors for us so we can heal our own issues and wounds.

Do you have relationships in your life that you struggle with? Relationships that are less than smooth and loving? Do you find yourself misunderstood, unaccepted or unloved, or are you judging other people? Your partner or your ex-partner? Your children? Your parents or your in-laws?

Relationship Coaching, Forgiveness Work, Inner Child Work, Shadow Work and Psych-K® can all help you to shift your own beliefs, heal your wounds and create loving relationships that bring you happiness and health.