Is the Earth Trying to Conceal Its Age. . . On Purpose?

GQ asked Florida senator Marco Rubio how old he thinks the Earth is. ObviouslyGQasked Florida senator Marco Rubio how old he thinks the Earth is. Here’s his answer:

I’m not a scientist, man. I can tell you what recorded history says, I can tell you what the Bible says, but I think that’s a dispute amongst theologians and I think it has nothing to do with the gross domestic product or economic growth of the United States. . . At the end of the day, I think there are multiple theories out there on how the universe was created and I think this is a country where people should have the opportunity to teach them all. I think parents should be able to teach their kids what their faith says, what science says. Whether the Earth was created in 7 days, or 7 actual eras, I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to answer that. It’s one of the great mysteries.

Is Earth a few thousand years old? A few billion? Some would argue that age ain’t nothin’ but a tiresome culture war. Others would argue that the confusion is really the Earth’s fault, as the Earth constantly sends all these very confusing social cues about its true age. To wit:

The Earth knows all the lyrics to New Kids on the Block songs and “MacArthur Park”?

The Earth’s prom theme was Star Wars—but whichStar Wars? Like Hayden Christensen Star Wars or what are we even talking about?

The Earth always signs its text message “love, Earth,” but managed to figure out how to illegally transfer songs from its iPhone to iTunes, which you can’t even do?

The Earth listens to its music in the car at a volume that isjust loud enough to be heard,but not loud enough to enjoy?

The Earth drinks vodka-cranberries, but specifically asks for Stoli, of all brands?

The Earth gets really cranky and hungry around seven p.m. but never, on principle, likes to make dinner reservations before nine p.m.?

When you asked Earth who it thought the prettiest celebrity of all time was, it said it was a tie between Jacqueline Bisset and Rihanna?

The Earth’s favorite Bowie record is Young Americans?

The Earth always calls the popular real estate Web site “Easy Street” instead of “Street Easy,” but designed a clever way to filter out apartments with open houses it has already seen?

The Earth uses the telephone to place orders for delivery?

The Earth seemed really offended that time you said you’d never seen Goonies, and then when you were like, “Yeah, but I think I get the gist of it from all the ironic nostalgia on the Internet,” was then like, “What ironic nostalgia?”

The Earth has a George McGovern for president button that it claims it got yard sale “recently” but the Earth never mentioned going to any yard sale before you stumbled upon the button?