Friday, January 7, 2011

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

This was passed along to me from a coworker of Anonymous who has left retail pharmacy for a better paying, less stressful life. Anonymous, I salute you! It would have been a 21 gun salute but we aren't allowed to carry weapons at work or even have them in our lockers.

Things I Won't Miss by Anonymous

*People walking up to the counter and shouting hello as though they've been waiting forever even though they JUST walked up to the counter and have barely been there for more than 12 nanoseconds.

*Running around like a crazy person from station to station because either (a) there's no one here or (b) because the people that are here are slow.

*The phone. Oh that f*cking phone.

*The customers. Should I name drop because I really f*cking want to.

*The words "I need a refill." or "I don't have the bottle." or "It says I have four refills until July 2011."

*Customers coming up to the CLOSED drop off window and completely ignoring and sometimes pushing aside the HUGE red sign that says "Proceed to Pickup Window" and then looking at me like I'm crazy when I tell them it's closed.

*Dirty prescriptions that seem as though they've been raped and shat on by homeless people. Is it so difficult to keep that piece of paper from becoming a victim of sodomy?

*The f*cking phone.

*Working the drop off window and having to deal with questions like "Where's the ice?", "Do you sell toenail clippers?" "Where are the pencils?", "I'm looking for lotion?". Not a f*cking customer service window and I obviously don't work the f*cking floor so how the f*ck would I know where icy toenail lotion pencils would be?

*This dusty ass allergen trap called a pharmacy. This is the health industry?

*Scrubs. Actually won't miss those because I never put those sleep bags on. And I was also under the impression that wearing pajamas to work was against the dress code.

*People that smell like bathrooms. People that smell like four month old sweaty cheese. People that smell like they've never heard of showers. People that smell like dead kittens soaked in vodka stuffed in a moldy barrel inside the asshole of the Loch Ness Monster.

*That f*cking drive thru bell and that fucking drive thru buzzer. And I realize I said that the drive thru deserves its own list which is totally true but when the hell am I ever gonna write that list?

*People that drive up with their f*cking arms/canes/tree branches/artificial limbs hanging out of the window so that they can press that damned button before they even park their fucking cars.

*Speaking of cars, if you come through the drive thru and your f*cking car door/window/trunk/sunroof does not open and the only way you can communicate is by getting out of your car then why the f*ck didn't you just come inside?

*People that don't hand you the money or toss the money or put the money on the counter five f*cking feet from where I am (I'm over here at THIS register, you f*cking douche)

*Some of those f*cking slow as shit nurses. It doesn't matter which one. I've offended them all just by saying this.

*People that ask "How are you?" Like you f*cking care.

*Broken printers/scales/computers/people. Yeah this can happen anywhere but I won't miss it happening here.

*Old people who call in prescriptions because they are afraid of technology then take up most of whatever is left of their life reading you one prescription number off the bottle. That is IF they can read it. "Oh wait, I'm sorry baby, that was a six." AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!

*People telling me how I should do my job. "You guys would be a lot faster if you did this." "It would be easier for the customer if you did that." Well, I don't come to your house and tell you how to beat your kids, watch TV, make meth and be a worthless asshole so stop telling me how to do my job.

*Old people in general. Just because you're old doesn't mean you can walk all over me like something that old people walk on. Orthopedic shoes perhaps? Eh, whatever. Old people blow with a few exceptions (you know who you are).

*People who live on their f*cking cell phones and refuse to get off them even in the midst of physical interactions with people standing right in front of them. "Sir, I realize that Rochelle shouldn't have done that to Kenny and that you need to get to the grocery store before they run out of peaches which by the way I really don't see happening but I need your address."

*The approach. You're at the counter, you're at the window, even drive thru and you see someone approaching and you pray to God they are not coming to bother you. But they always are.

*The question "Can I pay for this stuff back here?" even though you've already emptied your one hundred plus items on the counter.

*Questions. I hate questions now. They say there are no dumb ones but I can without a shadow of a doubt tell you that there are. "What should I do about dry lips?" Really??

*Those severely f*cked up names that not even Dan Brown himself could decipher. And I'm the one that gets crazy looks when I can't say them. "And what is....uhm...Kuh-taw-buh-tee-air-eesh-ma-jah's birthday?" "It's pronounced Elizabeth!"

*Smart counts. I will not miss those and they will not miss me because I think they are assholes and they think I'm black. Telxons are some racist sons of b*tches.

*Screaming and crying banshee children that only know how to cough and sneeze on every open surface and annoy the shit out of me. Yeah, this place makes me want to cry too but do you see me acting like that?

*Pharmacists with big heads. Usually the fresh out of school pill jockeys who think they're better than the people to their left. Get off your fucking high horse and ring out that lady's pantyhose.

*People who pull money out of their bras/shoes/underwear/rectums and then expect me to handle it, F*ck no! Go learn what the f*ck hygiene means and make it you life's purpose.

*Medicaid patients who complain about having to pay 50 cents to two bucks for their prescriptions but will pay any amount of money for a cheeseburger or a candy bar or whatever other f*cking pointless thing they don't need.

*When I tell you that something will be ready, for instance, after 4. Don't ask me when it's going to be ready and don't try to argue with me about the time I gave you either. "Does it mean 4:15, 4:30, 4:45???" Shut the f*ck up you dumb motherf*cker because I just told you that it will be after four so I don't give two f*cks about what time after 4 you come because it will either be done or it won't be which is another thing I couldn't give two f*cks about so go f*ck your f*cking self, bitch.

*It says Drop Off Window not Consultation Window, so why the f*ck are you in my face asking me what you should put on your rash?

*Benzonatate. A minor gripe but I will not miss your roly poly ass.

*Lazy motherf*ckers. You know who you are.

*Awesome motherf*ckers. You know who you are.

*In between motherf*ckers. Well, actually, you can only fall into one of the two groups above so, yeah, you know who you are.

Things are coming to a close around here so I leave you with these wise words of one Oliver Humperdinck, renowned author and indoor trumpeteer. "If any man hath his hands, he beateth with them slow time around the bolly bop tree when the weather is green and cheese is in bloom."

All that's missing is "pack of cigarettes" from "*Medicaid patients who complain about having to pay 50 cents to two bucks for their prescriptions but will pay any amount of money for a cheeseburger or a candy bar or whatever other f*cking pointless thing they don't need."

And with the change to scrubs, I DO wear pajamas to work, under the scrubs (we all know pharmacy thermostats are perpetually stuck at the "Frigid Bitch" setting, and I like the warmth and comfort), and I assure you it's just as fucking great as it sounds.

Every statement is so beautifully true I was crying from laughing so hard. Thanks for posting.

Read this before going to work yesterday. And with such a bad night, I kept thinking back on this list and how many of the items were occurring. I laughed at it when I read it, then groaned at work when I realized how true it was.

My favorite part was the description of body odors. Just from the words you know EXACTLY what that smell is because we have all experienced a patron of questionable hygiene in each category of odoriferous severity.