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Tuesday, July 30, 2013

The Bachelorette Cries Like a Little Baby JK That Was Supes Sad I Woulda Cried Too!

I've never understood those pools!

No matter how lame a person is, or how ridiculous of a belly shirt they happen to be wearing, the sight of seeing a person getting their heart completely and totally obliterated on national TV is still REALLY REALLY SAD.

I feel like if ABC made Adolph Hitler the next Bach, and he spent the entire season killing Jews, invading Poland and canceling rose ceremonies, we'd still feel sorry for him when Eva Braun kicked him to the curb.

EVA BRAUN: I'm sorry, Mein Führer, it's just ---

ADOLPH: It's just what? The slaughtering of six million?

EVA BRAUN: No, no, I was okay with that. Totally okay with that.

ADOLPH: The mustache, then? Is it the mustache?

EVA BRAUN: No, I like the mustache. I do. It's strange, don't get me wrong, it's definitely strange, but I like it. It just kinda suits you, you know?

ADOLPH: Then what, Eva? You sure it's not the six milly?

EVA BRAUN: I mean, the six milly was a lot. That certainly was a lot. I don't know if you actually had to kill that many people. It probably would've been fine to stop at like 1 or 2 million, it's just -- thirty minutes of her telling him how great he is, rehashing every date they went on, assuring him that he's a wonderful person despite all the mass slaughterings and European bombings and the world war that he started -- I'm not feeling those feelings of love, you know? That certain something that you can't explain? Do you know what I mean though? Do you know what I mean?

ADOLPH: Uggghghhghhhghhhh.

Hitler's shoulders slump. He leans over and puts his head in his hands, takes off his little hat and crumples it in his hands. He softly weeps, as an entire nation of viewers weeps with him.

Eva Braun knows how to ride side saddle!

And I'm not comparing Des to Hitler, I'm really not. I like Des a little bit more than Hitler -- granted, he was a much better public speaker, and took a lot more risks from a fashion sense (what with those boots and the parted hair style and the armbands and all), whereas Des wore that hideous open frayed tank top sweater with a bikini last night I mean what was she thinkin'? -- it's just that this show does an unbelievable job every season of getting us viewers to a point where we are engaged and invested and super-dooper-sad!

I guess if there's a villain here, it'd have to be Brooks, but he didn't really do anything wrong, did he? Yeah, his breakup speech could've been shorter and more to the point, but he's an idiot, we knew that going in. And his intentions weren't to hurt Des, they were simply to break up with her on national television so that he could go home and date other women and potentially find someone better than her.

So now we're left with two dudes who are absolutely head over heels in love with the same woman, and one lady who is currently going through a colossal mental breakdown in front of 20 million viewers.

She can't pick Drew. He cheated during the limbo competition at last night's Caribbean festival. Either that or he has no idea how to do the limbo. And normally, I'm totally fine with cheating -- in fact, I respect cheaters more than rule-followers -- but dude, you're in a foreign country, don't disrespect thousands of years of culture just so you can advance to the next round. And quite frankly, Drew is BORRRRRRRIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGGGG. When they first sat down in the fantasy suite, Des said to Drew, "I'm really happy to have you here," and he responded with, "I'm really happy to be here," which is code for "Please rip my clothes off," and "I have no idea how to put a move on a woman." Ughghghghhh, the thing is, I think they still had sex -- lame, stupid, boring sex without any hair-pulling or spanking -- but Drew has no chance with this woman because she is BROKEN.

Sads!

Then there's Chris, who has turned into an absolute embarrassment -- like a teenager who ditches his friends all summer to hang out with his dumb girlfriend. This guy is out there somewhere in Seattle watching himself on this show and wondering how he became such a pathetic sap. During a toast last night, Des said, "Let's toast to Antigua and spending time together and blah blah blah," and Chris responded by clanking glasses and saying, "Yeah, toast."

Toast?

You're supposed to say "Cheers," dude! I guess you could argue that it's kinda cute that he gets so tongue tied and I do respect his chest hair, but those poems and the boat shoes and the mortgage brokering and yeah he seems to be a really good natural athlete, but he's got no shot because I'll say it again, this woman is BROKEN.

So will Brooks come back? My wife thinks yes, but she also had a few brewskis last night and as of 7:50 this morning was still snoring like a rhinoceros, so I'm gonna have to disagree with her drunk ass. Frankly, I think Des will tell the other fellas that she's too devastated about this whole Brooks thing, that they're such great guys and ANYONE WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE THEM, and in a different situation, away from this show, she would love to date them and see if it could work, but at this mome she's just not in the right place to continue this journey and omg this was the most serious paragraph in TVMWW history! But that's what this show does to you! It sucks you in! I'm so sucked in! I have a blog!

I don't think there's really any reason to watch next week -- in fact, I already told my wife I'm not gonna -- omg JK I'm totally gonna! But this season has been a major disappointment. Yeah, there were some unbelievable momes: The dude who's mother was a drug addict falling in love with Des despite never actually going out with her, Michael sucking his own butt for two straight months, THE MAGICIAN WITH HIS FRESH DUDS AND HOT TRICKS, but I'm giving this seez a disappointing D+. Last night's episode featured an all-time mome, but it wasn't enough to carry the seez.

5 comments:

Some people at work are talkin' bout a return of Brooks but I dont see it. Chris has some decent potensh but he's just too corney. Drew is also corny but doesnt have the sweet lefty swing that chris has so he's got nothing going for him at all.

OK, so the 700 lev comments sectsh is great, and Meech and I deserve all the credit.

After uncovering THE TRUTH ABOUT TWERKLE last week, it is now my goal to find the true person behind "sfsu", who left the most impassioned steroid take on a completely absurd article about a Jewish guy getting kicked out of the tribe by the world's foremost expert on foxes and Caribbean limbo contests. That takes true dedication and I think I'm in love with "sfsu".