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CaptainAssholay: (I swear on my life these are real questions asked to me) "Do have Nintendo 64 games?" "Where are your new pokemon advance games?!?" "I want a Game Box!" "I want an XCube!" "Do you people have a Super Nintendo 2?" "Why do you make these games so ridiculously expensive? Do people even buy these?" (As everyone around here is snatching games and systems left and right) "When are they coming out with Mario on Xbox and Playstation?" etc. etc.

wally: I work at Pizza Hut

the other day we get an order for a couple pizzas and dipping sauce. So we make it and send it out. Then about 30 minutes later I get a call from the guy who orderd it, the conversation went like this:

Me: Thank you for calling pizza hut how may I help you? guy: I just got a pizza and you forgot my dipping sauce. Me: Ok. Sorry sir if you would like to wait an hour for it I will send it out to you when our driver gets back. guy: AN HOUR!?!?!?! Me: yes, sorry but our driver is out on a delivery and wont be back for a while guy: well I want a credit for my dipping sauce Me: umm sir dipping sauce is free guy: Well I want a credit damnit Me: sir we only give credits for items that cost money guy: (dead silence for about 3 minutes) oh..bye then

Rigor Tortoise: I was working express in ShopRite when this old guy gets in my line, our conversation went as follows-

Lacey: Today at work there were like 12 people waiting outside (in the cold) for our store to open at 10 a.m. First of all, it's a video store (why do these people need to come rent movies this early - so they can watch Van Wilder before noon on a Saturday?)

I walk past & knock on the door. My manager turns around with a pissed-off face (clearly they'd been harassing him already), sees me & comes over to let me in. The people look at me like I'm their savior, bringing God over to open the Pearly Gates of Video Heaven.

I explain to them: "It's just because I work here. The store isn't open yet." An asshole behind me shoves his wrist in my face and says, "My watch says 9:50. There's only 10 minutes to go! Don't be a tight ass! Let me in the store!" Some greasy-looking woman points to the line of uterine dumplings behind her and joins in "Yeah! My kids shouldn't be standing out in this weather!"

At this point my manager has opened the door and heard some of the conversation. He explains first, that he's already told the man that his watch is 15 minutes fast - we have to follow the store clocks and so store doesn't open for 25 minutes.

The woman behind me decides she (and the poor children that she brought out here in the first place) can't take anymore. Screaming "Fuck!" she actually tries to shove her way in behind me. I had to push back 200 pounds of corn-fed, swearing woman to shut the door. The worst part is I have she does this at least once a week. God I hate my customers.

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About This Column

The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.