Possibly the best complaint letter ever…

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER

BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE

Dear Mr. Thatcher

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and Iappreciate many of their features.Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) orDri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I’d probably never go horse riding or salsadancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach intight, white shorts.But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionaryFlexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize howcrucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell you how safe andsecure I feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "thecurse"? I’m guessing you haven’t. Well, my "time of the month" is startingright now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I’llbe transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly withknife skills." Isn’t the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seenquite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,crying and out-of-control behavior.

You surely realise it’s a tough timefor most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought theviolent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grilljust because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written by drunkenchimps.

Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK isjust crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to thereason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reachinside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, andthere, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a HappyPeriod."

Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl,there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jackyourself up on Nurofen and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just soyou don’t march down to the local Tesco’s armed with a hunting rifle and asketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God,pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on amaxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say something that’s actuallypertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"?

– Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately,there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take mymaxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescendingbullsh1t.And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.