Wednesday, August 31, 2011

I want to live in the 90s/ Im sick of living int his fast paced world where everything is done on a computer. I mean whats wrong with paper? I like paper, it's very usefull and for the past 400 years weve been getting along just fine with it. Since getting these incredibly useful laptops I've been thinking more and more about how I wish i could live my life in the same years, but ten years back, for example: I'd be born in 1983 and have my childhood thourgh the 80s (reasons I don't want to live there will be devulged later.) I'd start my angsty middle school years in 1995, just in time to watch "My So Called Life" and "90210" and the premire of Buffy. I'd start high school in 1998 (buffy at it's all time high) and get to experience what movies and TV shows taught me when I as 8. Which are the following

Passing notes in class.

using Disposable Cameras and getting ACTUAL pictures.

recording my TV shows on VHS

Britney Spears wasn't a hot mess

Buffy was cool

I actually had to call people and not text them.

Payphones

boomboxes

walk-men

Thhose cases full of CDs so people REALLY knew how hipster you were.

The mall would be cool

passing notes in class

passing notes in class

passing notes in class

gas being 1.17$ a gallon

Video stores would be cool

CD Land would be all the rage

Passing notes

VHS tapes would be cool

There was jsut enough internet to make it cool, but not needed.

The birth of Harry Potter

bad soda commericals

The WB

Dawson's Creek

Alanis Morrisette

boy bands

Christina and Britney

Lil Kim

the movie Clueless

using a payphone or being cool and having a cellphone

jsut that feel the 90s had (you know what I'm talking about)

Now i know some people are all like "I wanna live in the 80s" and a majority of these people want to live in the 80s cause they've seene the movie footloose, heard girls just wanna have fun and like neon colors. However some people are actually educated on the 80s and still want to live there, which I respect. I do love the 80s and they produced some great things, but living there would suck after a while. Bad hair, no internet, saved by the bell wouldn't premire till like '89. I would want to vaction to the 80s, make it my Hawiwiwe (I cannot spell that state at all, no joke.) I'd go there during summers and maybe every other Christmas just to see what was going on, but I'd be more happy in the 90s.

Now here's the reason for this post. A few days ago I watched one of my ALL TIME favorite movies called Jawbreaker. It's one of those cult following films that's famous but nobody's heard of it. So I'm not going to go to much into detail of it but it has Rose McGowan (who I love), Julie Benz (gay stripper from Desperate Housewives) and "Tom-Tom" from 13 going on 30. So p retty much there are these four girls called the flawless four, and the have their leader named Liz (sorry Liz) and The kidnap her on her birthday and Gag her with a jawbreaker to make sure she doesn't scream in the back of the car. well pretty much she chokes on the Jawbreaker and the movie just gets twisted and wonderful from there. Everytime I watch it though I think "I wanna live in the 90s!" but maybe when im 34 and looking back on my high school years I'll like the time I'm living in and be thankful for it, but it's hard to apperciate your generation when the most famous singer is Lady GaGa, the most talked about show is glee, and nobody reads. We should've just stopped at 2002.

OHMYGOD. PRETTY LITTLE LIARS.
so let me start off by saying I feel so pitiful and pathetic when I watch this show. like for the first four minutes or so I think "wow, I'm 18 and watching this garbage when we could be doing pre-cal or reading literature." but every Tuesday at 8. BAM. My eyes are glued to the TV and my heart rate increases by the minute from their well thought out and juicy drama. So im just gonna lay this episodes end out for you guys, If you dont watch the series and never will, read. OR if you want to avoid spoilers, stop following my blog.... and if you've never watched the show you'll have to find me and we'll block out like 15-20 minutes so I can explain it to you.

Pretty much the girl Jenna (who they blinded with a firecracker) is sleeping with this cop and we found out that they killed Ali! I mean I've read the books and I know this isn't true because Ali and Jenna were secret BFFS, Like Lidsay Lohan and Lily Allen (true stroy. They have matching tats.) So crazy blind girl has gotten her revenge and A has frammed the girls for the murder of Ali' by giving them a shovel that WAS USED TO KILL ALI to dig up their therapist who's underground. So then the girls are all sitting around this cop table with a shovel and there's dramatic music playing and I'm like "FUCK tell me more!" then the shut off to the end credits to a scene of their therapist in a diner (I want to own a diner, just based on all the stuff I've seen go down in them on TV) and A comes and gives her money or whatever and the Therapist leaves. Then this sassy black waitresss comes and refills her coffee and is all "MMMMM honey yoz got such puh-retty eyes!" which means A isn't Jenna cause that chick is blind as a bat! I mean I know who A is, but the series is so off I wonder who it really is! and I can't sleep cause I'm so excited! annnnnd they're doing a halloween episode, which you know is gonna be good cause everybody knows Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything bad about her.

but yeah, that was me between 8-9 and this is me at 11:34 NOT doing math hmwk, or at least "taking a break."

Fun Fact about Joey: whenever I do pre-cal I have to listen to scream-o music because it's so soothing to my annoyed mind. Some of these bands Include (To find them I went into hot topic and picked five random t-shirts) Bring Me the Horizon, Brokencyde, Woe is me, We Came as Romans, and Falling in Reverse. I have no idea what any of these bands stand for or anybody in them. But they scream and say curse words a lot, which is like me doing pre-cal. and liz if you read this, opinons and thoughts on the bands?

allright. Time to finsh this math.................................functions.

SO lately I’ve been reading this book by F. Scott Fitzgerald called “The Beautiful and Damned.”I pretty much bought it because I needed something to read/I liked The Great Gatsby. So I doubt I’m reading it “Correctly” or whatever, but I’m enjoying how I’m reading it cause I think it makes it all the more fun. So let me lay the story down…

There’s this guy named Anthony Patch and he’s single and ready to mingle. He lives alone in this big ass apartment that’s friggin decked with the nicest stuff, only all the ever seem to focus on is his bathtub. Seriously, like five times he’s had “deep meditation” while bathing himself. So he has these two friends named Mauray and Dick. Mauray is kinda like his drinking buddy who encourages him to do bad things, and Dick is this lame aspiring writer or whatever. So one day Anthony and Maurary are chilling at Maurauy’s place when Maurary’s cousin Gloria comes stumbling thorugh the door like she own the damn place. Now Gloria is a skank and the main female protagonist in this story. So after a brief look at this drunken mess Anthony decides he loves her. So for like the next fourty-eight pages Anthony is all “Gloria, Gloria, why don’t you love me?!?” so then after fourty-nine pages, Anthony finally grows a pair and asks Gloria out. So they go on this boat trip or whatever and Gloria talks about the following; Herself, Her sexcapes, movies, her vag. So then one day Anthony is hanging out with Mauray and Gloria comes strolling in again with her two BFFs. I think there names were like Jessica and Trinni or something like that. So basicallay trinni is this little hipster bitch who thinks shes a vampire (yes, she seriously thinks shes a vampire) and Jessica is this sad little wannabe, The Gretchen Weiners of the novel. After being introduced to Gloria’s “Fraends” Anthony finds Gloria in the kitchen. There’s some dialogue about how she went out with some other guy and how Anthony likes her and blaw,blaw,blaw….pretty much he dry humps the fuck out of her on top of a stove. Then after their 3 and a half minutes of lusty love, they decide to get married. So those crazy kids get all married and junk and honeymoon all up and down New England. They go to a zoo and there’s some anology about Humans and cages or whatever. Then they do it in the zoo. They go to this Nazi Civil War guy’s house and make-out on the stairs. They do it in the car. Pretty much their sucking each others faces every page and it’s written in a way that’s difficult to comprehend “Anthony slowly brazed the thigh of Gloria’s face whilst she wimpired with pleasure.” Cant you just say he wanted to ride that like a Nimbuss 2000? Well after their sex-filled honeymoon it’s time for them to return to the real world. Where some boring stuff happens. They go to random balls and movies and fight all the time over striped stuff. Then we find out Gloria’s so pregnant! And that’s where ive left off. But yeah as you can see it’s a very complex novel full off multiple plot deivces, irony, and steamy Titainc love-making scenes.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

I love Buffy. It's one of the most magical shows ever made and the movie is pure cult classic. The movie is so much better than the series though, although I do loveeeee the series, the movie was just classic gold. I mean come on, Pee-Wee Herman as a vampire? Hilary S(k)wank? David Arquette? LUKE PERRY? and of course Kirsty Swanson, who never really had much of a carrer after this movie, But did she even need to? long story short I love this movie and it successfully helped me put of doing me gross pre-cal homework for another hour and a half. So good work Buffy, and the fact I own this movie and VHS makes it that more retro,yeah retro.

Friday, August 26, 2011

SO for english were reading this story Beawulf that was written by a bunch of middle english monks, who are dead. I just finshed reading something from it and am now bored and procrastinating doing my homework over it. So I thought I'd lay this Beowulf story down for you guys.....

SO there's this city, the city of Herot. It's kind the like the Las Vegas of middle english. It's what's happening. It's run by this king guy Hrothgar (sp? idc Im not looking it up again) and his wife Welthow(that just sounds nasty). So one day they're all sitting around the table (the whole kingdom that is) and all of a sudden this big ol' dragon named Grendel (yes, in case you're wondering Grindelwald from Harry Potter DID partly orginate from this name) just comes flying thorugh the door and starts eating and killing people left and right! But he wont eat the king cause he's like BFFs with Jesus or something. So then Hrothgar's all "Hey I know this dude named Beowulf who can save us from this evil dragon!" so then Beowulf comes from some other land by boat (this happens in one night too BTW.) and is all "I'm here to save you from the evil beast eating your people! but first I'm going to say a list of all the heroic and notable things I've done in attempt to get some action from these Damsel in distress!" so then after he's done feeding his ego he fights Grendel. I'm assuming it was a badass battle between good and evil, but these monks did and AWFUL job descrbing it. so then Hrothgar is all "YEAH Beowulf! snaps for you!" now can you go to the depths of hell and kill his mother? cause she's gonna be madddddddddddddddddd....." Now i have yet to read that part, but I'm assuming this mother is gonna be scorned and bitter. Like it's gonna get all Molly Weasley up in this literature.......

*does english homework*

So I finshed that nonsense and can go back to talking about whatever I want to cause it's study hall and it's boring. I was thinking about One Tree Hill Last hour and how great and angst-ey it was when it all started back in good ol' 2003. That show is the last remaning part of The CW. Of course a part of me will ALWAYS hate OTH because they're the reason The OC got cancelled, and I loved The OC. So one of my all time favorite parts from the show is when Brooke (the ho) finds out Peyton (this butch Tomboy who's mom is dead) is messing around with her ex-man Lucas (this poor kid whose dad is Nathan's dad and......you know what it's to confusing). So brooke all finds out and hunts down Peyton in the hallway and their dialouge goes something like this...

I still have ten minutes left in here and am sooooo bored!
Oh a Rocky Horror song just came on my Ipod. Which reminds me
I. HATE. GLEE.
They Ruined Rocky Horror, whoever says they did a good job, is a liar and NOT your friend. For starters they didn't even sing I Can Make You a Man, which is kind of like the most important song in the whole moive! and they Changed the song "Hot Patootie-Bless my Soul" to "Whatever Happened to Saturday Night?" THATS NOT THE SONG TITLE GLEE! STOP MESSING WITH THINGS THAT ARE CLASSIC! of course the only plus side to the epsiode was John Stamos sang that song, and who doesnt love John Stamos. okay well the bell is gonna ring.
Deuces(sp??)

Monday, August 8, 2011

So the past few days, no make that years. There is one thing I have always found true. Power Ragers are fucking badass. I'm not talking about those wimpy motherfucking spin-offs. No I mean the original Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. They are fucking beast. There's a fucking monster thats terrorizing the citizens of Angel Grove who do you call? THE FUCKING POWER RANGERS THAT'S WHO! I don't care it's a kids show it's a fucking badass kids show. Kids shows these days are ruled by sluts and wannabes. Power Rangers is what's up bitches. If I had to pick a most badass moment I'd say it's impossible because the whole series is BadAsss, like you hear that theme song and you just want to go chop down a tree with your bare hands! But the most memorable/dramatic moment is when Kimberley (the pink power ranger) gies up to Tommy (who's currently and evil green ranger) and she's all "I know Tommy......I know youre the green ranger." and then there's just this like three seconds of pure terror and drama and then Tommy speaks and is all "then you will know that you shall soon be destroyed pink ranger." WOAH. you could not see that shit coming. The MOVIE is pretty much the most if not most badass 90 minutes you will ever see. If you havnt seen it (have you, Liz?) then go fuck yourself. It's to damn late for you to see it. But anyways the movie is fucking badass. There is not a moment there when your hearts not pinfold. Youre just sitting there then BAM fucking dinosaurs coming alive and your all. WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING!!! Oh my god this is fucking awesome shit. A
D then after they battle the fucking dinosaurs they battle these fuxking beast roxkmen dudes and whip they stoneage asses. Then they get fuxking new powers and shot. Go back to angel groove and save the day from Ivan Fuxking Oze! Then one the most magical movie moments ever happens they fucking join hands around Zordon who's dying an all of a sudden they start having magical sparks and light come out of them and BAM the command fuxking center is back online and it's all getting repaired and shit and then Zordon gives this gasp and he's BACK TO LIFE! THANKS TO THE PIWER OF FUCKING TEAMWORK!
So anyways the point of this post is for my to recast the power rangers. So here ya go.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

The first thing I'm going to talk about is Avril. Because no matter how hard I try to do. She just gets me. HEr lrics are like a teenage bible, next to Mean Girls of course. Every song of hers belongs on of those terrible shows on The WB. NOT The CW. I mean Complicated is every single teenagers "bad day" song, and it also makes me think Avril is like Psyhic. She PREDICTED facebook with that song, that's why it says "Seth Cohen is now in a reationship with Summer Roberts and it's COMPLICATED. and this song can take a bad day. I mean the worst one EVERY and make it better, and i mean bad, like your parents die, you're forced to live with your mean aunt and uncle, and 11 years later you find out your NOT a wizard, this song can melt away the pain.
and sk8er boi is universal. Like, the President (who ever it maybe at the time, this shits true generation to generation.) could be moments away from nucelar warfare with like, Cuba and he could be all like "hold up president of Cuba, let's totally rock and before we blast each other away." and they rock out and BAM. the worlds a better place.
and Nobdy's Home changed my life. Oh MY God. The only song more depressing than that is Lucky by BSpears. It's just like "GO HOME AVRIL!" and I think the worst is when she all has a nervous breakdown in a gast station bathroom and I'm just getting torn apart inside. and THEN she tries using a payphone and SOMEBODY answers which proves SOMEBODY is home Avril, and then she sleeps in a car, cause that's what homeless teens do. BTW MTV should make a show called "16$homeless" the $ is actuall a & out of irony.
but "Best Damn Thing" Avril is a dirty racoon hooker poser. Then after she released that album I SOOOO forgot about her. So I wikipediaed her. She did the whole get married, be photogrpahed on diffrent beaches, get profane tats, get divorced (yes Christina Aguilera, I'm talking about you.)
but her new album "Goodbye Lullaby" is so moving and spritually lifting, and I'm like "WHAT the hell avril, stop making such relatable and likeable songs! I don't want to like you!" but alas, I do. Damn you, Avril!