TV told me about an evil scheme by the tobacco
companies to hook women on cigarettes. Apparently alot of research went into
measuring different levels of chick 'neuroticism' (aka mentalness) and they like
zeroed in to link it to needing cigs. They also researched yummy chocolate
flavored cigarettes that would hint to weight loss and other stuff. Whatever.
Not surprised. I'm still sort of amazed that the lawyers in the US can still
keep cigs legal under the circumstances....

I mean even Hitler
was against cigarettes!... Not sure what kind of argument that is but... um...
it's late.

5/30

Tonite I watched some stuff about the .50 caliber
rifle and these bullets called Raufoss that are illegal. They're banned because
if you had a .50 caliber rifle and shot a raufoss bullet from a mile away at a
big moose covered in armor, it would pierce the armor and kill the moose, then
explode, then set the moose on fire. So it makes sense to ban that particular
triple threat bullet because regardless of what some mooses did or said.... it
doesn't need to die that badly...

Today I saw Tom Cruise ranting about how psychiatry
is a scam like drug dealers and how Scientology has all the answers to stuff and
how prescribing prescription drugs for being mental is a crime. I think Tom
might need a press time time-out. Yeah I know this is a cruddy fact. The next
fact will kick this facts fact up and down the street three times quick.

Today I found out that spider crabs are organizing
themselves for an attempt to take over the world. They're bad. They're crab. Get
used to it. Right now they're 50,000 strong on the ocean floor and marching
toward land. Once on land they plan to pinch and run sideways at society until
they take over everything and start banning things bad for crabs... like street
grates and elevator door sensors that aren't low enough to detect a crab. Their
ban plan will mess up everything!

Look at all these marching ! Doomed! Doomed I say!
Tomorrow when you're walking down the street and you get pinched, don't say I
didn't warn you! Get out your wooden mallets! We must arm ourselves and fight! I
don't want no stupid crab ban plan!

5/25

Sorry for the back to back American Idol facts. Just
stating for the record that the pyro-display tonite behind Carrie was out of
control. As I was watching it, it looked like it was ready to burn down the
whole stage. Then they shut it off fast. They probably won't admit it but I
think something went way wrong with the pyro. It was all mental with sparks and
smoke. But what do I know. The most pyro I ever got as a kid was going nutty
with Magic Snakes. Remember Magic Snakes? Those weird pellets that you'd light
up and the ash would flare up like a snake and leave a black mark on the ground.
They were coolio.

Anyway, they're still around.... Here they be! With
a new guarantee!
(which makes me wonder about the old school snakes)

M

5/24

Last night I watched the American Idol and I wasn't
impressed by Carrie or Bo. Both unstarlike. My prediction for the winner?
Carrie. Here's the logic: They want to package Bo as a rocker and a rocker is
better as a loser than the American Idol winner. Carrie is more of a prom
queen winner. Done and done. What?? The voting will decide you say....? Yeah
right.... And yes, I saw the Constantine pouting at the camera from behind the
judges row. I turned my eyes away like it was Medusaman.

Tonite the TV showed me that the people who make
Roomba are coming out with a new robot that like mops up the floor or whatever
called the Scooba. That's cool. But I'd really like a robot that goes around and
picks up dog poop then opens the front door and has a little catapult hatch and
it takes the poop and catapults it at passing cars. And I can watch from my
window and laugh and chew twizzlers.... while I feeding Roscoe biscuits... so he
can make more ammo.

Check out this awesome catapult
watch! Hours of fun for the whole family!!... ok....well, maybe not hours...
more like five to ten minutes of fun...and not for the whole family.
Maybe just for you.... dorkburger.

5/22

Tonite I seen on the tv that this guy is busy suing
telemarketers and making alot of money. Thousands and thousands. Basically if a
telemarketer calls you and you ask them not to call you again... you have the
right to sue them. They'll usually cut you a check for a couple grand if they
screw up this way. So start recording phonecalls and keeping track of stuff.
Then boom bang zimmity zang. Two thousand smackers.

Sorry no daily fact yesterday. Me and Roscoe went to
the dogrun place near the Brooklyn Bridge and for the first time ever he was
able to run full speed for a long time. In the city there's not alot of
fullspeed going on. He does it in my apartment sometimes but there are alot of
crashes and spinouts. Anyway it knocked us both out. I fell asleep watching SNL
with good reason. I'll be better with facts this week. That's... the fact...,
Jack!

Tonite I seen on TV that science dudes are making
great strides in making bionic legs and arms like the Bionic Man and stuff. They
showed this one dude with one leg walking up a treadmill and the bionic leg
totally kept in stride with the other leg with the knee bending and the whole
deal. No word yet if they're gonna add in superstrength yet but apparently we're
on our way to finally super heroes!

Sorry no daily fact today. I just sat down and
watched a good hour and a half of bad tv. There was some show about how the
bible predicted global warming. One about the dopey texas law about sexy
cheerleader cheers or something. Some NASCAR show that just went in circles so I
came up empty handed. Just like anything else, some days things will go well.
Other days not so well. The important thing is remembering tomorrow is another
day. And I'll be in front of the TV again going for it...

To make up for it here's a downloadable copy of the theatrical
release of the new Star Wars movie...(shhh...)

5/18

Tonite TV told me about another idea that totally
would have been totally mine if I had totally thought of it first which I
totally did not. It's a sneaker (or 'tennis shoe' you michigan weirdos) that
grows up to a full size. So like you buy your kid a size 6 shoe and it can grow
to a size 7 by clicking and stretching or whatever technological thing. It's
called the Inchworm shoe... and I would have totally thought of it if I just set
my mind to thinking about it for a second which I didn't because I was thinking
about other stuff like American Idol and whatever bye bye vonzie...

Meanwhile what's up with this kid with the eyes and
the offering weirdness?

5/17

Here's the story tv told me today. Some Irish nerds
were drunk in a bar and they got into a bar fight about which direction the
bubbles go in a glass of Guinness. Do they float up? Or do they go down? The two
drunk nerds pushed at each others shoulders and argued. Bubbles go up! The
bubbles go down! Bubbles up! Bubbles down! UP! DOWN! UP! DOWN! They went
back and forth until one drunk nerd got up into the other nerds grill and said,
'It's go time! Let's take this outside!' ('Outside' being their nerdly
laboratory across the street with a supermicrocamera where they filmed a glass
of Guinness. They saw that the bubbles in a glass of Guinness go up as well as
down. It was settled (so to speak). Then the two irish drunk nerds shook hands,
passed out, and had nightmares about irish klingons.

Tonite I found out that back in Elizabethan days
(whenever that was) babies used cloth diapers that were changed on the average
once every four days. Baths weren't that frequent. There was no toilet paper.
Not sure if they even brushed their teeth back then or what. With everything
else going on with the hygiene or whatever it must have totally, totally totally
stunk back then. Gross. In the movies they make it look all nice but no
question. It stunk.

TV told me that supermaximum security prisoners are
still communicating with the outside world and organizing crime stuff or
whatever. But they're getting good at hiding communication. They're using dead
languages like ancient Norse and like hiding messages in really detailed artwork
and stuff like that. Thought it all seemed pretty cool and creative and stuff.
Too bad the messages are like... 'Hey! Kill that dude dead!' or 'Hey! Kill that
dude super dead!' or 'Hey! Kill both those guys extra super mega dead!

Tonite on SNL I done seent that some town in Brazil
declared an Orgasm Day. It's like studies about orgasms and practicing orgasms
and like science of orgasms. And they had the Orgasm mascot 'Orgo' a man dressed
as a dog dressed as a man who is dressed as a woman. Orgo ran around tickling
people on their private parts while breathing really hard. That was his shtick.

Sorry no daily fact yesterday. I watched Show Dogs
Mom's and Dad's alot and didn't really learn anything. But it made me feel
better about my apparently very mild obsession with my dog comparatively. Good
fact coming today! I'll glue my ass to my beanbag chair and suck it out of the
tv with a crazy straw if I have to...

TV told me tonite about feral children. Kids that
were raised by like wolves or apes or dogs or whatever. The big question was, if
a kid is raised by animals could he/she ever learn how to speak. The answer is
nay. Example: if Tarzan was brought back to England as an adult, he couldn't
learn english because his brain would be physically changed by that point
and incapable of doing language. Greystoke was crap.You gotta get in on language
early on or it goes out the window apparently. I dunno why I thought this was a
good fact. I just always think the brain is creepy.

This
is creepy too. Play one of these movies and slide back and forth the
bar...

5/11

Tonite I found out that the nerds at Cornell
University has invented "self-replicating" robots. Basically they're
like little blocks of robot that can make other little blocks of robot. That can
make little blocks of robots. Something like that. The head scientist at Cornell
said, "This is one small step for man. One giant leap toward the eventual
enslavement or perhaps total destruction of all mankind."

Ok this is a true story the news just told me. Our
Dept. of Homeland Security gave the City of Newark (NJ) $10,000,000 for homeland
security. The mayor of Newark took some of the money and bought like millions of
dollars worth of really fancy schmancy garbage trucks. When questioned about why
he spent homeland security money on garbage trucks he said that
(seriously) -- after bad terrorism comes around and there's body parts
everywhere they'll need the garbage trucks to haul away the body parts. That was
his reasoning. Does he really think they'd haul body parts in a garbage truck?
The scarier part is the Department of Homeland Security actually approved the
garbage truck purchase based on that logic...

So tonite TV told me that in Thailand the whole
transvestite thing is more mainstream than over here. Apparently it's not proper
over there for a thai chick to act all sexy and stuff on stage so there's these
"ladyboys" that make with the sexy on stage. For the most part these
dudes were pretty convincing looking like chicks with the boobs and everything.
The weird thing was on TV they didn't pixelate out the guys naked boobs
even tho they looked just like regular boobs. For some reason I thought it was
wrong that they didn't bother pixelate the ladyboy boobs. Why not flatter em by
pixelating? I guess to pixelate or not to pixelate in that situation is a whole
situation to itself...

So tonite I found out that penguins at the some zoo
have all contracted some weird form of penguin chlamydia. Somehow it got into
the colony and then all the penguins banged or whatever and spread it around.
When researching to see how the disease got into the penguin colony head
zookeeper said, 'Hey! What the hell are you looking at me for? Don't assume I'm
guilty right away! For all I know the penguin could have given it to me!'

Tonite I learnt that the company Virgin has launched
a division called Virgin Galactic. It's gonna be some whatever thing for
civilian travel into outerspace set for like 2008. They're already selling
tickets at $200,000 a pop. It all seems acceptably cool... except for the fact
that once this gets going we're all going to have to stare at Richard Branson
acting like a dickheaded penisface from outerspace.

Today I found out that kids are getting sick from
their hamsters because the hamsters are walking around all diseased up and
sneezing on kids or whatever. When I was little a friend of mine had hamsters
and the girl hamster got preggers and had baby hamsters but then she ate all the
baby hamsters and my friend got mini-traumatized for life. That sorta sucked.

Anyway it might be best to keep you distance from
hamsters for a bit. Here's a safe distance.

5/5

Ok maybe this isn't a wallpaper worthy fact (totally
at all) but I got curious about something so I figure I'd post it here and see
what happens. I just watched some Jay Leno monologue which wasn't really funny
and I thought about something. I know people that love Letterman. I know
people that love Conan. I know people that loved Carson. I even knew some
disturbing people who loved Craig Kilborn. But I don't think I've ever
met anyone who said they love Leno. So I figure I'd find out. Please take
the following poll so we can get to the bottom of this....

Sorry no daily fact yesterday. Last night I logged
on to update the site but I couldn't get in because something was broken. So I
closed this out and tried to fix it. When I finally got back in I went to go put
this back up and I seen that I closed this out before I saved it so that sucked.
But later today there's gonna be such an awesome fact posted here that you're
going to take a screenshot of this page and use it as your desktop wallpaper for
the next year...

So tonite I learnt that the company that makes
tasers is in trouble because (oopsee daisy) the tasers aren't just stunning
people shakey anymore... they're stunning em dead. People are dying after being
tased. So now cops are using tasers less and less and the taser company is all
pissed because there are less tasers and tazees walking around. So now there's a
big push to sell tasers to civilians so people can go off and taze friends and
family in the privacy of their home.

Here's a tazer
pen you can buy on eBay that comes with a free stabby knife! So when
you're sitting in that annoying meeting and Dick Johnson opens his yap one too
many times- you can whip out your taze pen and taze him shakey! If he doesn't
shut up after that then you follow up with your handy dandy stabby knife and
give him one in the gizzard! That'll learn em!

5/2

Tonite the Oxygen Network (not sure how I ended up
there. i guess i doubled the ratings for the night.) I learnt that 75% of all
women are wearing the wrong bra size. I actually don't even know what a bra size
means. I just know D is big. And double D is bigger. But what's a D? I have no
idea what it means. You chicks might think I'm a dope for not knowing anything
about bras.... but chances are you're wearing the wrong size bra right now... so
who's more dopey.

Here's a bra
calculator if you wanna finally get it straight on what size bra you
should be sporting...

5/1

Today I found out how the world might end. See,
there might be this solar flare like 100x the average solar flare. Which would
cause some reaction which would short out all the electronics on earth and make
the satellites crash down. If it was nighttime the sky would look all beautiful.
Lit up with colors and auroras and stuff. It would be like an amazingly
brilliant sky and there'd be no electronics or annoying cellphones to disturb
it. Then the rising sun will fry us all because the ozone layer would be shot.
The end.

I went off to look for something cool about the
Planet Krypton and found a link to this instead so here.