Advice—March 2005

Dear Sparkle,
Okay, now I’ve seen everything! My humans are big “animal people” and they’re always bringing home some creature—I have to share this house with a hermit crab, a couple of frogs and a dog (luckily, the dog is about my size and is easily dominated). But just the other day they brought home something and I have no clue what to do with it! It’s long and furry with a rodent face, but it’s bigger than a rat so I can’t eat it. It gets into everything and that really disgusts me because my humans think that’s “cute.” When I get into things, they yell at me. As you might already suspect, they dote on this creature, which they call a “ferret,” and they expect me to become great friends with it. I don’t see why I should let this ferret be my friend. It’s annoying, it steals attention away from my humans and worst of all, it takes all my cat toys and hides them! I’ve got the dog under control, and the other creatures are under glass so my exposure to them is limited (which bums me out—I’m sure they’d make tasty snacks). But this ferret—I really have no idea how to show it who’s boss around here. Any suggestions?
Signed,
Confounded

Dear Confounded,
Poor you. Ferrets are a real handful. The good news is that they love to play and can’t get enough of it. (And we all know that humans don’t play enough, so it’s actually kind of nice to have someone around who’s always ready to go.) The bad news is they just don’t understand the whole boss thing—whap ’em on the head and they think it’s an invitation to play. So if you really want that ferret to let you be in charge, you’re out of luck. It’ll just laugh in your face. If this really gets on your nerves, I suppose you could give it a good smackdown every time it comes near you, and it will eventually leave you alone. But you know what? Maybe you shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss this oversized, troublemaking rodent. Ferrets do have their uses. You yourself mentioned that it gets into everything. You’ve also mentioned that your human has some yummy looking creatures under glass. Maybe the ferret will figure out how to get these containers open so that you can dine on them. This would probably not make your humans terribly happy, but it’s their fault for bringing a ferret home in the first place.

If none of this matters and you’ll hate the ferret no matter what (not everyone’s personalities mix well), then you can always pitch a fit every time you are near it. If you’re hissing, howling and screeching every time the ferret is around, your humans will have no choice but to keep you guys apart. And there is a bit of good news—cats on the average live way longer than ferrets do. So if there is not much of an age difference between you and your annoying new roommate, rest assured that there will most likely come a day when it’s no longer around. Just hope your humans aren’t too quick to rush out and bring home another one!