[The Listserve] Cesium Futures

Now you may be wondering what exactly this cesium thing is and why to buy futures. If you look at the periodic table, it's on the lower left side, sorta. How can this guy give us back our money if we give him this loan? Let me assuage your worries. Do I have some sort of insider trading knowledge? None at all! Do I work with the element and have special knowledge of its properties in a way that could be commercialized? Honestly, I probably haven't stepped within 100 around a molecule of the substance in my lifetime.

Apparently, cesium blows up if my recollection serves well (in all general regards, it does. I served as a witness to a neighborhood drug store robbery in which the felon was convicted, as clearly stated on my LinkedIn profile). Around the same time in school, my friends and I were talking about getting into the Des Moines, Iowa real estate market (which has since gone thermonuclear hot!) and never acted. While I'll never forgive myself for that mistake; two wrongs don't make a right. I'm pushing my chips into the middle with this one.

You may be thinking of another problem - can you even buy Cesium futures? Well, frankly I don't know. I'm not even sure what a future is! But what I do know is that complicated financial instruments are where the CASH MONEY is, so that's why I'm going there. Hell, some of the loans may pay for me to create an exchange for the swapping of cesium futures - how exciting will that be!? Some of the money will also be used to supplement a salary for me to surf Investopedia a little bit to make sure that this is possible. Don't worry though if it's not. I'll just move to Venezuela and do it there. I'm confident that they let you do pretty much anything you want there (and as a side benefit they don't have an extradition treaty with the US if that one Russell Crowe movie is right).

That said, there is some risk involved with this. I'm looking for no less than eight figures and saying I'm overextending myself could possibly be the biggest underestimation in the complete history of humanity. Things I have for collateral:

- A house (depending if my Aunt pulls through, although she's been a smoker for a long time) although I'll have to get back to you on this after I check the will out. We exchange Xmas cards nearly every year, so I'm confident on this one (no promise though).

- My 1998 Sentra. It leans a bit to the left even though I had my alignment checked earlier this year (in all fairness it was only at Jiffy Lube and not the dealership). It's a great commuter though!

- Most of my organs. If anyone were to take organs as collateral, it would be you (warning: my left kidney functions ~65% after that MMA injury last year).

You give me the CASH MONEY, and I'll let you name whatever usurious interest rate you desire. This is going boom or bust pretty quick, so I'm also overwhelmed with indifference on the terms and conditions of your choosing. There is literally no combination of words, phrases, or punctuation that would adequately explain how excited I am for this opportunity - let's make this happen.