Janie's Got A Gun

So here's the thing: I played games like Cops & Robbers and - yes - Cowboys & Indians (it was a different time) and Star Wars - complete with Light Sabers and sticks wielded as guns and sound effects - p-chew! p-chew! p-chew! - when I was a kid, and I loved it - loved it - and yet I still managed to grow to be a liberal pacifist and so I'm not inclined to a knee-jerk reaction of horror at the idea of children engaging in imaginative play that involves weapons. In theory.

In practice, when my three and half year old daughter cocks her fingers in the form of a gun and points them at me, mock-execution style, I recoil and quietly freak the hell out before telling her, in as calm a voice as I can manage, that it is simply not nice not nice at all to pretend to shoot someone in the face.

Then I debate whether or not to march down to her preschool in the morning and demand to know how and why it is that the preschoolers are engaging in pretend gun-play - because she did not learn this at home - and where the hell are all the princess dollies, dammit? Then I contemplate home-schooling. Then my head explodes.

Then I calm down and ask myself why I need to freak out over everything. Why do I freak out over everything? Is this worth freaking out over? Or, you know, do all preschoolers make a game of executing their mothers every once in a while?

She's only three. Three. This is nothing, I know, in the bigger scheme of growing up and going to school and making and losing friends and falling in and out love and - oh god - sex and drugs and gah gah gah, but still.

I'm going to need more Ativan.

(Thoughts welcome. Am I freaking out unnecessarily, or is home-schooling in order?)

80 Comments:

Oh hon. We freak out about everything, because it is n the nature of overread introverts to, well *read* *into* everything. And to lack perspective.

My girl, she's less about pretending to shoot us (never done it) and more about landing some hammer fists on our heads when she gets mad (like this morning). Is actual violence better than p-chew. One hurts your head, and the other, um, hurts your head too.

"They" say the best defense is a good offense. You can't protect her from everything; all you can do is teach the lessons and values you want to instill and continue to reinforce them with gentle reminders. That holds true regardless of where your child goes to school.

Still, it couldn't hurt to ask the school about the pretend gun play. Maybe they're unaware of it?

Oh my. Deep questions that we ALL struggle with. I actually decided to homeschool, but guess what? That won't take all the second guessing away. You're still going to go, Oh, my where did they learn that? You know, unless you keep them in the same room with you for the rest of their lives. Which, yeah, not possible... unfortunately. Just kidding. Sort of. Yeah, kidding. *hug*

Don't freak. Kids do this, I don't care where they're schooled. You know very well she doesn't have the slightest clue as to what her actions might represent. Start learning now to pick your battles wisely. You said the exact right thing and now move on.

My daughter really freaked me out the other day by insisting that my mermaid baby should kill her mermaid baby, because she was bad...like Ursula the Sea Witch. No guns were involved, but the whole concept of killing is bad enough.

If there's one thing I've learned in the last 11 years of my parenting regime, it's that, even if you don't give a kid a toy gun, at some point in time, they're going to find a substitute. A finger. A carrot. A stick. Barbie's broken leg. It happens.

Summer's coming. Buy her a plastic tiara, a pink bathing suit and some water guns. Buy yourself one of those kick-ass super-soakers so the battle will be fair - you can shower her from your lawn chair :)

My brother-in-law killed himself with a gun. My sister-in-law (not his wife, his wife's sister) instituted a "no guns under any circumstances" rule. It didn't work, her boys didn't have plastic toy guns, but they had fingers, they had branches, they had their imaginations. There is just no way we can shelter our kids from this. But what we can do is talk to them, educate them that pointing guns, even toy ones, at peoples faces is wrong. They will grow up fine. We all do. I used to have a toy rifle that made real shooting sounds. I used to play with it ALL THE TIME. I am a good person who would never shoot anyone. Emelia is a good person. You have nothing to worry about.

I hear you. Mine is four. Came home p-chewing last week with her hands like a gun. Said they use their guns to kill the bad guys. From her happy little peace loving let's teach kindness school. I thought the same thing. WTF?

I like that, super-soaker for Mom from the lawnchair... Must do that this summer. ;)

You told Emilia the perfect, calm, response. Weapons of any kind are never pointed at anyone. Ever. Even in play. Not in my house. It is not appropriate behaviour.

My two boys, and now the girl, all have been known to play guns, usually with other kids from the neighbourhood. And actually, there's not a (toy) gun other than strategically dispensed water pistols in the house. But, Saskatchewan farm-girl that I was, I DID attend, once upon a lifetime ago, the firearm education/hunter safety course, and have regaled my kids with stories of that... and how, when they are an appropriate age, they will go with real, certified instructors, to learn about the real thing, and how to properly act around/use/avoid common firearms. Because, Lord help us all, you never know when they will come across them in the real world. In our 'neck of the woods', I think that proactive education is the key. About many things.

My kids are older now and when they were little, the age of your babies, I forbid them from having toy guns or engaging in gun-like play.

It didn't work. They learned it somewhere, despite me trying to teach them what I believed, and still believe to be appropriate, and surrounding them with only the best of families to emulate and a safe school environment.

You explained to her it wasn't nice. That's about all you can do. I still get on my kids for doing it now and they're 7 and 9, much more the ages we were when we played cops and robbers.

I don't think you need to freak. We soon learned that a no-gun policy leads to little boys biting their toast into gun shapes and shooting each other. We tried "you can shoot objects but not people" and that sort of worked. But ultimately, you are teaching her so much more, in so many areas of life. This is just a blip on the screen of childhood.

Our major exception was water guns. They are just too much fun. And now our kids go paintballing, and love it. They are not at all violent children; quite the opposite in fact.

My boys are 11 and 7, and quite honestly, rather than the random water gun here and there, we've just never had any toys in the house that looked like guns or came in a package that screamed "AND NOW WITH MORE REALISTIC LOOKING FAKE GUNS!"...but it's there. It's everywhere. They just know, and because they just know, they've played fake guns. They've picked it up from friends, they've seen the toys hanging on the shelves at Target, they've stopped and fallen into a trance when walking through the room and spying some TV show their Dad or I have on before we realize the channel probably needs changed because wow, with the gun play!

Your response to her is as clear and concise as can be. We all freak out about it, but I'm not sure there's an absolute solution.

I'm right there with you. My son is just a few months younger and he has recently begun doing the exact same thing. (Except he doesn't really know what sound a gun makes, so he just points at you and yells 'Shoot!' Which is actually kind of funny. )

At first I blamed my husband because he occasionally plays video games with guns, but he swears he never played then in front of the kids. My son goes to school as well, and the playground area has kids up to age 6, so it's very possible that's where he learned it. We've tried explaining the 'not nice' aspect, which he didn't seem to understand. Finally, in frustration, my husband told him that when you shoot someone you hurt or kill them. Great! Now we have a whole other issue to deal with!

My son's preschool allows some gun and swordplay in its 4-year-old classes, which has often made it onto the playground after school into the pantomime games of my 3 yo.

I chose the school he's in, among other reasons, because they take a realistic view of the playgrounds of Kindergarten and up and help give preschoolers the social skills to cope with some of its inevitable pitfalls. When it comes to guns, they try to teach kids to articulate when they feel their physical boundaries are being crossed, and to respect other kids' sense of space. The games are an opportunity to learn to articulate their needs and feelings. It involves a lot of "you can shoot at my body, but not at my face," and "Joe doesn't like shooting games, so don't shoot at him, but Jill does, so maybe you could play together."

You might ask her if other kids have been shooting at her and whether or not she likes that or knows how to tell them to stop. Could she be testing your reaction to find out what the appropriate one is?

I started to worry when my 5 year old daughter pretended to be shooting something the other day and then I laughed when I heard her sound effects, "Poon! Poon!" I asked her what she was doing and she said, "I am pooning."

We also don't allow any toy guns, which resulted in me getting "shot" by the adorable felt chocolate eclair I lovingly sewed for my 4-year-old son. The felt carrot, I might understand. But chocolate as a weapon? Breaks my heart on several levels.

My son was all about guns until he learned to use "the force" and his lightsabres.So, when the other kids pretend to shoot him he squeezes his eyes shuts and summons the force (which looks like he's having a bowel movement) and baffles everyone.I prefer the gun noises.And, I think it's normal.

I wouldn't worry about this. Everything I've read suggests that weapons play is normal and healthy. I think that making a big deal out of it is more likely to make it attractive than just letting it pass. At least that's the approach I'm taking.

We don't have any toy guns, but fingers and sticks and so on can all become 'weapons', so I'm not sure how much that matters. I think you just need to decided what ground rules are appropriate in your house, set them, and then try to remain as calm as possible.

You are by far the best Canadian blogger ever. Thank you!I loved this post. I also get freaked the hell out when my 3 (almost 4) year old son plays guns. Which is not often, but the other day he had a water 'gun' type thingy in his hands, and he made me go right up to him because he wanted to aim it right in my eyeball. OMG! I was horrified of my own son! But seriously, he's not even in school and he rarely watches TV unless it is "How It is Made" On Discovery, so I don't know, maybe it's just a childhood thing. He does love watching Star Wars (yes, even at 3) and Transformers, so maybe that's where he gets it from... oops... my bad... maybe he shouldn't be watching those types of movies, after all? ;)I freak out over every little thing. Always worried about what effects their childhood will have on their future... it's never ending worry at my casa, let me tell you!

My first child was not allowed any war toys...he ended up making guns out of grilled cheese sandwiches and shooting me. By the 5th child, I have relaxed. The more you make a big deal about it....the more theyare fascinated by it.

The pacifist in me is totally with you, but if you start freaking now it's gonna be a long 18 years :-) Really, though, I have a 9 year old who, when younger, was actually (in her tantrumy fit moments) violent! And even she seems to have outgrown it (thank god).

I think that kids pick up the gestures they see around them (brief TV glimpse, kids in playground etc.) and try them on. It doesn't mean your sweet daughter is violent or prone to sociopathy, just that she's getting older.

Unfortunately, I don't think home schooling will help. Like the whole "princess" thing, it's all part of the culture we live in. So, short of uprooting and moving to a remote corner of the world (that, let's face it, has its own problems) I think you're stuck with dealing with these kinds of issues. I struggle with them too. I'd probably not make a huge deal out of it, but I definitely would have questions to ask her about what she's doing and why. It's a good time to start talking about what that means and to get her thinking about her play.It's sad that it happens so early, but then again, so do the gender stereotypes. I'll keep the toy guns and Bratz dolls out of my house, but I can't keep my daughter out of the culture we live in... I just have to find ways of dealing with the consequences and helping her to understand it. (And isn't that what we do with everything else anyway?)If it makes you feel any better, there's definitely another mommy out there with the very same concerns (who is DETERMINED to avoid the "princess"...).;)

Not sure where my son learned it either, but learn it he did. And at first, I was so upset. But I soon figured that the only thing I could do was talk to him about why I disliked it so much. I've known 3 people who were murdered, and in our fair city of Ottawa, that's a lot. And they were nice people. Not in trouble.

I also accepted that kids will be kids, and that roleplaying is all part of growing up and figuring things out.

I struggle with this (especially when my three year old pretend plays that he's "gonna kill you!" Ummmmm...

With three boys and PLENTY of lightsabers and pretend guns, I don't know what to do. They make guns out of anything. They play it when I'm not looking, the other neighbor kids play, too. I don't let my boys watch ANY violent TV or movies, they don't even HAVE a video game machine (Xbox, whatever they are calling them these days!) and yet, they still do it. And you know Ivy will be picking that up, too.

It freaks me out because it's negative and hurtful (in the end.) Like, I know they are pretending, but I can't help to think about it in the NOT pretend way. If that makes sense. And that is scary.

Freaking out over nothing: Kids will always shoot at some time in there young childhoods, no matter what we try to teach them. But not to worry- they won't grow up to shoot people. I've learned this after working with kids for more than 25 years. Peace.

We freak out, because we want them to stay innocent. We freak out because we somehow think we can protect them from the world, if they don't know about the nastier aspects of life. But we can't protect them forever. As hard as it is, we have to learn to let some things go, because they do grow up and learn about reality.

Guns, eh...my mom was against them, so we made them ourselves out of other things. I think it's something all kids do, even homeschooled kids. None of the three of us grew into criminals.

Now having said all of that, it isn't cool to even fake point a pretend gun at your mother. That's where I draw the line.

When my 26 year old son was three he made a gun with his fingers, then he made a gun with lego. When my 22 year old daughter was three she made a gun with her fingers. When my 13 year old daughter was three she made a gun with her fingers. I think there is something about being three and guns.

I hear you. I'm a total pacifist, raising two very active little boys. It's all I can do to discourage it -- but we have been very successful to date. I simply put on a very sad face and say, "Mommy doesn't like fighting." or "Mommy doesn't like war," and we find something else to do.

It helps that we send the kids to a religious preschool and most of our friends share my anti-gun values ... but it is a constant struggle.

I think kids pretend with guns and monsters and other scary things because they are trying to determine their boundaries.

What is safe? What is unsafe? How far can I take this game before my mama shuts it down? How far can I push my mama before she needs her dose upped?

You're doing the right thing. Saying no, and concisely telling her why. She'll probably play guns more, just to see how serious you are, but she'll get it. And she won't shoot people when she grows up.

My kids have no guns or "toy weapons" but they still love to turn a stick into a sword or a toy drill into a gun, especially my son who is 4. And, we homeschool, so I guess I'll blame our history program for my 2nd grader which has covered things like the Trojan War, the conquests of Alexander the Great and the Spanish Inquisition. Nothing like a little history to get them play-acting bloodshed.

Home schooling is not the answer. There are plenty of reasons to home school. (The fact that the history, social studies, and civics taught in public schools are, by an large, a pack of useless lies being a big one.) But trying to control everything your child is exposed to is futile. You can't do it.

My girls don't go to preschool, and did not even know guns existed until a couple months ago. Didn't matter. They just spent their days killing me and each other with swords and bows and arrows instead. Violent play is just in their nature. I wouldn't worry about it.

Pretending to shoot you now is as likely to make her violent as pretending to play mommy is likely to make her a teen mother. In other words, not very.

I had to chuckle when I read this, I went through it with my own boys, and recently with my grandsons! I forbid gun play, toy guns , all that stuff. Finally I gave up and said " In this house we do NOT point guns at PEOPLE" When they broke the rule I confiscated whatever weapon or stick or fascmile of weapon for a while. None of them joined the army or a gang ( eeek) and none of them own guns. They grew up okay. But now they play war games on the computer. Which, as a mother and grandmother, drives me crazy! lol

By the way, I did homeschool my brood of five. It was a great experience, by I think gun play is encoded in our dna or something. My ex husband had it double. But that's a topic for a whole other blog! haha

I can vividly remember in the early eighties, with all the Star Wars mania, turning everything into a gun. My favorite gun/ not-gun was a bright blue toy drill with a yellow "barrel".

To this day I still think of weapon noises as "pchew, pchew" and not "bang bang". Later, at kindergarten we were taught not to use objects as play guns. It had to be reinforced a lot (because there were building blocks that were just screaming to be turned into ray guns), but it sticks to this day. When i started teaching there it was the same issue. It takes time and you are doing a great job. (However I caught myself thinking, "those are REALLY good gun noises!" I am a bad influence and I didn't even know it)

I agree with everyone else that this is a normal "phase" for kids and, short of locking them in the closet, you really can't keep them away from weapon play.

If you do talk to the school, though, be aware that they may not be encouraging it, but that they can't eliminate it either. My kids preschool at a strict no-weapon policy. Reminder notes went home on the day they were to bring in "something that starts with S!" that it COULD NOT BE A WEAPON! NO TOY SWORDS, EVEN THOUGH THAT STARTS WITH S. My child still came home one day pretending to shoot people. So, if the preschool basically blows you off? It doesn't mean they don't care about your kid. It just means they know what battles are worth fighting.

I think, really, this is all a part of kids playing around with the concept of death.

My son went to the most progressive, loving preschool. They let the kid's do pretend gun play. I was shocked. The teachers said it was a normal part of development and to squelch that part of them would do more harm than good. As long as you talk to your child about real life consequences she will be fine.Plus my son has made guns out of toast, chicken nuggets, you name it!He's 10 now and doing just fine!

I was a kid once -- heck some people still think I am (those people being in the form of elderly ladies at the mall lecturing me about babies having babies -- gimmie a break.)

Until last Thursday. I took my son to the park across the street from our house where he played contentedly on the equipment, going up the stairs and down the slide for what seemed like hours (of fun of course.)

Then, out of nowhere two little boys came around the corner shooting their cap guns (I think that's what they're called) No biggie. Whatev. As long as it doesn't scare the munchkin I'm cool with it.

THEN they had the nerve to start screaming racial slurs and threatening a little African American boy. They proceeded to pretend to shoot him while they did this.As soon as they noticed me coming up to them they stopped and took off. Then I turned around to find them threatening my two year old and pretending to shoot him execution style.I cannot tell you how utterly disgusted and mortified I was.Sick to my stomach.

And I almost kicked a couple of six year old asses.Excuse my language.

I will never bring him back to that park and my son will never have a gun -- toy or otherwise.

"Gun play as a child doesn't equate to being a homicidal gun nut as an adult.. " ..but I'm willing to bet their parents don't give a damn. They had to have learned it somewhere, right?

This story portrays me in a really terrible light, BUT it's the perfect forum for it.

So, a couple years ago, I was in a shop somewhere and there was a small boy - about 4 years old - there with his mom as well. I was making faces and playing with the kid from a distance, which was fine and dandy, and then out of the blue, he made his hands into the shape of a gun and pointed it at me and shot.

And said "BANG! BANG!" and laughed maniacally.

Did I march right over to him? Yes. Did I lean down to his eye level, completely uncaring of whether or not his mother was right there? Yes.

And did I tell that little boy that pointing a gun at a stranger, even a make-believe gun from your fingers, is not nice? Yes.

And did I tell that little boy to NEVER do that again, that he hurt my feelings, and that I would like an apology?

Yes.

His mother was PISSED OFF, but you know? There are some behaviors that are just not okay. Some behaviors that are worth freaking out about.

If it makes you feel any better, I grew up around guns - both antique and not. Most family nuptials brought new meaning to the term "shot-gun weddings" and everyone had an obligatory picture of their children holding a decapitated deer's head.

Despite - or maybe because of this upbringing, I'm now a gun-hating card-carrying liberal. So don't fret!

On a side note, if you ever get to write about the vasectomy, I would be eternally grateful. I'm collecting stories to convince my husband it's the way to go. :)

I grew up around guns - was given a BB gun for my 10th birthday - often saw my grandfathers antique Colt 45's sitting around (bullets and all) and am still the liberal pacifist. I can't even stand hunting (which is so hypocritical because I am very much a meat-eater.)

I'll probably freak out the first time I see my son pretending to "shoot 'em up" but I freak out about A LOT of things that aren't going to matter in the long run.

I wonder what my son will blog about in 30 years with the caption "I can't Buh-LEEEIVE there was (insert object here) in my house!" I'm sure he's bound to find something!

Know what? I might freak you out a little bit more with my story... I freaked out when I noticed my son having pretend gun-play as well. And I asked his teachers about it.

At his preschool (he is three, also), one of the kids there witnessed a shooting a few weeks ago. And they've been trying really hard to redirect him and try to explain that violence is most certainly not okay but have not been completely successful. So. Sometimes craziness does happen - I won't be taking my son out of the school, but we have begun having similar talks with him re: violence that his teachers have been having with his friend and their class.

You know what? I'm coming around to the conclusion that I wouldn't be much of a Mom if I didn't freak out over things. Gotta embrace that part of me and then it calms down and I don't freak out as much or as intensely.And, BTW, my 9 year old son checked out a book at the library called "Your Personal Weapon." Talk about freaking out - I wanted to get him into therapy that very minute. My husband calmed me down explaining that ALL boys go through this phase and he'll chill out about it soon.Hopefully, so will I! Peace...

We are gun-owners, so we've had to deal with discussing guns and how to play pretend with guns. It's okay to pretend to shoot a gun, but we NEVER shoot people. I know it's hard to know where to draw the line and I think that differs by family.

The bottom line is that you're concerned and you will do what is best for your family!

Oh my. Things like this are what parents fret over. I have a post coming up on somewhat the same subject, and I'll tweet it to you when it's ready. Talk about freaking out with your 3 year old pretending. Imagine if your stepdad bought your FOUR year old a .22 rifle? Oh yes he did.

It's brewing in my head, and when I'm not mad enough to SPIT bullets I'll post.

I may not be the best person to answer your question, as I am one of those, 'freaked out so much that we homeschool now' moms. I would just like to say that you'd make a rockin' addition as another face of homeschooling.

I was feeling this way this week too. Alittle boy who comes to our daycare plays guns all the time. My dd didn't even know what a gun was until he started coming over. He made one kid cry when he pretended to shoot him dead and I had to tell him to stop (the crying kid's dad died last year so death is not the best subject to play around with). My daughter is starting to make guns out of lego now and I am recoiling and imagining she'll turn out to be a terrorist or something. I know I am over-reacting but my mind turns to homescholong at these times too. Kindergarden starts next year. Might be safer at home.... hmm. Love your pic of the gun rack, btw. Helps put this all into perspective.

Yeah, I saw, you already worked past this in the next post. And as a mother with only boys I don't know if I have the right perspective on all the girly stuff. But my own anti-gun protests were all left completely in the it-doesn't-matter-anyways heap when my oldest son, at about 2 1/2 years old, (never having had any kind of play gun before ever) turned the letter L from the fridge magnets into a gun. So I laughed, and threw my hands in the air in defeat, and we just have conversations about when it is appropriate, and when it is not.