Distractions

Summary:

Edward and Bella's love will last forever. No matter what he's done. Even when there is one last secret. She'll still love him when it comes to light. Right? IRIS MADE THE BANNER. SHE IS THE BEST IN THE WORLD!!

Notes:
Self-insertion. Just so you know. Edward/Bella, though. Read and review! I have eight chapters written, but I'm overscheduled and easily distracted, so you'll have to bear with me. Thanks to my beta, Katherine!

6. Personal Distrust

“Bella, I am so sorry. If you can’t forgive me, that’s understandable. I’ll tell Alice, don’t worry. Jacob Black has never broken your heart, never betrayed you for his own selfish desire… no one will blame you for leaving me this minute and never looking back.”

Ugh. I really wanted to cry. If I could only get Edward to calm down and leave, I could bawl my eyes out calmly, think over the full extent of this depressing revelation, and come to terms with it myself. But if he left now, he’d probably curl up in a ball and sob for days. Besides, there’s that stupid self-sacrificing thing again.

“Edward Cullen, you listen to me, and you listen good. Yes, Jacob has never hurt me as much as you have. That’s because I don’t love him one hundredth as much as I love and need and can’t live without you. Because he isn’t as good or noble or self-sacrificing as you are. I love you and I will always love you and you know and I know that I could never, never live without you because I am madly in love with you. Understand?”

He nodded. He still looked pretty miserable, but at least he wasn’t trying to talk me into leaving him.

Wait… does he want me to leave? Is that what this is about? Is he trying to make me leave him because he doesn’t want to break his promise never to leave me? Am I unwanted?

Part of me thinks that is ridiculous. But it makes a hell of a lot more sense than that this perfect man could ever care about me.

“Unless you want me to. Do you want me to go? I won’t be mad if you do…” I promised, and that was true. I could never be angry at him. Not for leaving me or what he did with that vampire…

I didn’t deserve any part of him, so it was my fault that the bad came.

“I will always want you. Always. I will never leave you… I couldn’t. Even if you left me, I would always wait for you. And I will die when you do.”

But he had delivered other lies just as skillfully.

I hated this! Why did I doubt him? Why couldn’t I trust his love? It was all I wanted. Everything I wanted. Why couldn’t I just accept that he loved me?

I didn’t deserve it. He didn’t think he was good for me, but it was the other way around. It was her, that perfect vampire who could give him what I couldn’t, who deserved him. I was nothing more than a distraction…

My heart heaved, and, to my horror, I realized I could not contain the tears I hadn’t wanted him to see.

I sobbed desperately, achingly. The tears blotted out the pain of consciousness. That was good… very good. But even without thoughts I was in agony. Even with him here, with his ring on my finger and his heart on my shoulder, I could not trust his love. Could never believe that he would choose me to be his wife, his only love, out of all the women in the world.

“I’m… so… so…rry….” I stuttered out between the sobs. He pulled me closer, and I buried my face against his chest. I was too much of a coward to look at the agony on his face.

“What do you have to be sorry for, love? What have you done? I am the one…”