a dialogue on mind, consciousness and existence

light bulb

that means in my mind, round noon
for him it means: before the cleaning lady comes
but I’m not aware of that
however, silently ‘circumstances’ would agree
because she comes around 1pm

patience is not his virtue
he phones desperately
20 minutes to 12
while I’m wearing my coat
to go there,
just around the corner
maybe this is telepathy

he hands me a bulb as a greeting;
— Hi, Dad

‘take the stepladder’
though I don’t need it
‘put the light on’
obviously

but this new bulb is slightly bigger around the neck and it doesn’t fit
and although I can see everything with the light of the adjacent room
disaster strikes in his mind …

‘oh, what is the cleaning lady going to do now, …
… you should have come much earlier’
I look around, take a bulb from another room: it fits,
and put the new one in that room: and it fits too

‘oh … is it not too strong, is it the same power?’
— no it’s ok, they both work fine

‘when you go shopping can you buy some LED-lights’
— ok, … they are still expensive, this bulb will last some time
probably a couple of years, and you won’t save much by dividing 20W by two …
‘but they never need to be replaced again’
— perhaps, but you will survive a LED-light, trust me

when you are elderly or ill, everything is OCD.you knew how to fix it. i put a lamp in places, b/c you can get to the lamp light bulb easily, when you are short, instead of a floodlight, 2 feet too high

some have found the equilibrium between letting go and control, somewhere during their life, and continue to practice this, moving closer to letting go, as appropriate … some who thought they were in control, desperately try to move against the stream towards the other side. when I’m sick, I first feel the clinging to control … then feeling this is enough to raise my awareness to ask for help. Sometimes I also think that my old man, as well as my neighbor both have lost the sheet of politeness that surrounded them while they were younger. But I don’t understand why it is gone.

that’s interesting. i was told i have no control over anything,except what time to eat or take pills. i just knew i was a nervous wreck. even to go to the dr, you have to depend on a service & leave 3 hours early & then , you can still be late or you can be left there in the dark,waiting. after 15 years, of that,you are a nervous wreck.

it is difficult for me to see such a situation, since I have not been there. But wanting to be in control, …. yes, …. so I stayed home with pneumonia last year, in stead of going to a hospital. I got the right anti-biotics, from my doctor, two days before it got serious … but I never considered the hospital for treatment when too many fluids entered the lungs.

the hospital just makes you worse, or it does me.i have bronchitis for years & every time, i am there for a different reason, like falling down stairs, they always say you might have pneumonia & i always say i have been coughing like this 15 years or 6,,then they always are with the x-rays & i say no, i already glow in the dark.lol. but they make me.

Know this place well, grew up with hysterics and drama and worry. No wonder life now is a constant struggle with anxiety. Seeking the quiet, the God within, Awareness of awareness the best pursuit. But all was not bad in the childhood place– learned to love. My sympathies are with you in the struggle but you seem to have a firm handle on it. He may not outlive the LED lights though.

I didn’t buy them LEDs, … yet — but on a side note, i noticed that many LEDs get too much voltage, definitely shortening their lifespan. Had one that only lived for 2 years (nearly always on) but I have others, always on, that are now 10 y.o.
Well, he wasn’t always like this, and only recently became as I described. A lot of old men, as Hariod already said, have this problem. I see it too in my neighbour (90). When I was young and living there, he had ‘tantrums’.
My mother had the italian blood … 🙂 but never showed it to us, when we were a little older, but I still remember the heated disputes they kept in French (so we couldn’t understand what they were shouting about) at a time that I couldn’t read yet, …

Surprised your mother was so controlled. My mother certainly wasn’t. And my Dad had sort of angry fits when he was fighting cancer. I think Hariod is right. Good for you for fixing things with equanimity.