A suicide
note is a torture to read: it makes the reader experience the anguish of a
tormented soul, all the while punctuating the fact that the pain was infinitely
more unbearable than can be imagined. Daniel Somers, however, wrote a riveting
denouement to his life because he was tormented by the fact that he was, in
fact, a killer and a torturer.

"The fact is, for as long as I can
remember my motivation for getting up every day has been so that you would not
have to bury me. As things have continued to get worse, it has become clear
that this alone is not a sufficient reason to carry on. The fact is, I am not
getting better, I am not going to get better, and I will most certainly
deteriorate further as time goes on. From a logical standpoint, it is better to
simply end things quickly and let any repercussions from that play out in the
short term than to drag things out into the long term."

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Daniel Somers was a veteran of Operation Iraqi Freedom where he was assigned to
intelligence units (Task Force Lightening), accomplished 400 missions in combat
(machine gunner in the turret of a Humvee), and ran the Northern Iraq
Intelligence Center. He was ordered to use advanced intelligence techniques for
three years. He was later diagnosed with a traumatic brain injury and acute
PTSD. He took his life on June 10, 2013.

Daniel Somers was 30 years old.

"All day, every day a screaming
agony in every nerve ending in my body. It is nothing short of torture. My mind
is a wasteland, filled with visions of incredible horror, unceasing depression,
and crippling anxiety, even with all of the medications the doctors dare give.
Simple things that everyone else takes for granted are nearly impossible for
me. I can not laugh or cry. I can barely leave the house. I derive no pleasure
from any activity. Everything simply comes down to passing time until I can
sleep again. Now, to sleep forever seems to be the most merciful thing."

Simply acute PTSD? Or the curse every mortal person is born with:
a conscience?

During my first deployment, I was made to participate in things, the enormity
of which is hard to describe. War crimes, crimes against humanity. Though I did
not participate willingly, and made what I thought was my best effort to stop
these events, there are some things that a person simply can not come back
from. I take some pride in that, actually, as to move on in life after being
part of such a thing would be the mark of a sociopath in my mind. These things
go far beyond what most are even aware of.

Many veterans with PTSD blame the government, and Daniel was no exception:

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"To force me to do these things
and then participate in the ensuing coverup is more than any government has the
right to demand. Then, the same government has turned around and abandoned me.
They offer no help, and actively block the pursuit of gaining outside help via
their corrupt agents at the DEA. Any blame rests with them."

Bush, Cheney, and even Obama, were portrayed as operators of a "system of
dehumanization, neglect, and indifference." But the most virulent diatribe
is left for his own conscience, a conscience that purveyors of war discount, a
conscience that is not, in fact, allowed.

"The fact is that any kind of
ordinary life is an insult to those who died at my hand. How can I possibly go
around like everyone else while the widows and orphans I created continue to
struggle? If they could see me sitting here in suburbia, in my comfortable home
working on some music project they would be outraged, and rightfully so."

Torturing
The Torturer

There are not many who would not enjoy putting to the rack the
infamous Thomas de Torquemada (Grand Inquisitor of the Spanish Inquisition),
but our own system of neglect, beatification of patriotic suffering (oh so
courageous) and failed desensitization to the horrors of war is far more
torturous than the rack. And far more extreme, since Somers tried to fight the
powers that be about "enhanced interrogation."

"Thus, I am left with
basically nothing. Too trapped in a war to be at peace, too damaged to be at
war. Abandoned by those who would take the easy route, and a liability to those
who stick it out--and thus deserve better. So you see, not only am I better off
dead, but the world is better without me in it."

Rev. Dan Vojir is has been writing/blogging on religion and politics for the better part of ten years. A former radio talk show host (Strictly Books €" Talk America Radio Network) and book publisher, Dan has connected with some of the most (more...)