Foster care and adoption; toddlers to young adults; it's all here-- faith and humor meet as this mom of four chronicles the joy and heartbreak of motherhood.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

February, 2012: A parenting do-over

When
I was in grade school, playing kickball at recess, every so often a player,
upon messing up a kick, would yell “do-over!” and get to try the kick again. I
don’t remember there being any rules around the shouting of “do-over.” You
would certainly not yell it all the time, but rather in specific instances,
such as if you stumbled on your approach and the resulting kick was extremely
weak and sub-par. A yell of “do-over” for a strong kick that was caught for an
out was quickly dismissed as unworthy. While we certainly couldn’t have
articulated it, do-overs were for mistakes and missteps that were
uncharacteristic of the kicker’s normal ability.

My husband and I just took a
parenting do-over.

Our youngest daughter Jamie turned
eight right before third grade began this past fall. St. Monica’s birthday cutoff
is September 1, so Jamie had always been one of the youngest kids in her class.
For the past three years, Jamie has been doing grade-level work, but with lots
of help from Bill and me at home. Hours at the dining room table on school
nights. More time reading and practicing math facts on weekends. Summer
tutoring and extra academic classes. We’ve been pedaling furiously—not to keep
her in front, but simply to make sure she keeps up.

And suddenly, this past fall, after
a difficult third grade parent-teacher conference, Bill and I came to a
conclusion that we arguably should have reached years before: We should have
not sent Jamie to kindergarten when we did. We should have held her for another
year. Our daughter was in the wrong grade and we needed a do-over.

The month following our epiphany at
parent-teacher conferences eventually resulted in a decision to move Jamie to
Holy Family, a neighboring Catholic school, and drop her down to second grade.
It was a heart-wrenching month of visiting schools, praying a Novena for good
decision-making, and staying up way too late discussing what would be best for
Jamie and our other children.

After her first day in the new
school and new grade, Jamie bounced into my arms with a joyful exuberance that
made the difficult discernment process worth it. “Besides my adoption day and
my baptism, this was the best day of my life!” she said.

Decision-making as a parent is
complicated by the very children who we are making decisions for. We may want
input from them, yet at the same time, we recognize the final decision must be
ours, not theirs. Good decision-making involves three components—prayer, time
and courage.

Prayer:
Prayer in a time of decision-making should be focused on being open to any
direction God may want to take us. The human impulse is to take the path of
least resistance or risk, yet, often the decision that is best for us or our
children may require a departure from our own plans. Praying for openness can
help us see possibilities that we may otherwise have been closed to. “When we
were deciding between two high schools for our son, I found that I actually
needed to pray to accept the signs God was sending me,” said Bob, father of
two. “I discovered what I wanted was affirmation from God to send our son to a
school I felt had more prestige. When God’s path for us started looking
different than what I planned, I felt uncomfortable. Praying to be open helped
me to be able to follow on what I sensed what was God’s will for our son—it
helped me to listen to God and not my ego.”

Time:
Not giving a decision enough time can lead to an impulsive act that we
eventually will regret. Decisions that drag on beyond a reasonable time period
can loom larger than they deserve to be and can draw our attention away from
other equally important issues in our lives. Each decision has its own
reasonable timeline, and finding a sweet spot in terms of timing is key. At the
beginning of the process, create a deadline. But as you approach the deadline,
take it seriously without allowing it to take you hostage. For Jamie, we had
planned to make a decision so that she could start a new school right after
Christmas break. When we didn’t have clarity by that point, we gave ourselves a
new deadline—a couple weeks after Christmas—and were able to make a decision by
then.

Courage:
It is often the few days just before
we actually execute the decision that are the most difficult. The reality of
acting on the decision—not just thinking about it—can make us second-guess
ourselves. Two days before Jamie’s grade and school change, I was nauseous and
unable to sleep.Jamie herself was
blissfully unaware, but Bill and I were burdened with the ramifications of
moving her from a school community our family had been part of for thirteen
years. Courage in decision-making required us to believe at this point, that
God was with us, whether we were making the correct decision or not. When
Trinette and Greg, parents of three, had decided to move from Washington, D.C.,
to Milwaukee in order to live in a more family-friendly environment, the couple
began to feel uneasy right before the move. ”Our pastor
understood our worry,” Trinette said. “He told us: ‘Have faith that what you
are doing is the right decision. It isn't because of what you might find
once you reach your destination, but that you found the courage to lead the
life God set forth for you. Until that moment I had doubted and questioned our
decision, but when he said that, my faith was able to relieve my fears.”

About Me

Annemarie writes locally and nationally on foster care, adoption, parenting and spirituality. She is responsible for the content in At Home with Our Faith (circulation 80,000), which has won the First Place award in its category from the Associated Church Press for three consecutive years. Her Training Wheels column has appeared in the Milwaukee Catholic Herald since 2002 and most of these blogs appeared first in her Training Wheels column or as a chapter of her book, Discovering Motherhood (Ambassador Press, 2006). She is married to Bill, with four children (two biological, two adopted), and works in a job-share position at Johnson Controls as director of Corporate Programs in Diversity and Public Affairs.