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Superfood!

I am so proud of myself! This morning Fiance and I woke up (I call him the Joker on blogs) and were contemplating food. Honestly, nine times out of ten this is Pizza Hut time. We made no decisions, and he mentioned he might make himself a bacon sandwich. Now- we only use turkey bacon and sourdough bread (South Beach approved!), so I wouldn't have been being "bad" if I had had that. And it sounded good.

But I was inspired by You Are What You Eat, and as per my resolution I thought about whether or not that sandwich was the nicest thing I could do for myself. Well of course not! I have nothing to do, why not cook something that will actually provide something, instead of just eating because it won't hurt?

So I got creative. I have a couple boxes of cous cous (need to switch to quinua, but cous cous isn't too bad). I made a box of that, and then went veggie crazy! I buy small cans of veggies, since the Joker rarely eats them. I grabbed a cans of peas, mushrooms, and green beans and rinsed them well. Then I grabbed some frozen edamame and spinach. While I boiled the edamame I steamed some spinach and carrots. Then I mixed it all together with a couple fresh crushed cloves of garlic.

It's delicious, and it's definitely better for me than a bacon sandwich! And I have several more servings for any other "Pizza Hut" moments.

Best Show EVER

Has anyone here ever seen "You Are What You Eat" on BBC America? I LOVE this show. Gillian is to eating what the Biggest Loser Jillian is to working out. She goes to the houses of families who eat unhealthily and puts them through an eight week diet makeover. The results are amazing!

But what I really love about the show is that Gillian highlights good foods and the benefits they bring to the body. After watching, all I want to do is eat something whole and clean and fill of vitamins. Sometimes, if I watch it enough, I actually hear Gillian in my head when I make food choices.

After looking at a table full of take aways, sugar, and fat, and comparing it to a table of whole grains, vegetables, and fruit, I stop craving a lot of the bad stuff!

On my own front, I have done really well the last four days. No wine, no cigarettes, and eating pretty well. I had one small piece of cake and two breadsticks, but I actually think I was in a decent calorie range each day. (I had my metabolism tested at the gym, and apparently I have a base caloric need of 1700, so I try to keep myself within 1200-1500, but the extra 200 won't hurt me). Additionally, I finally made it to the gym again! I almost cried, I didn't realize how much I had missed it.

We'll see how the weekend goes, weekends are always my downfall and I have a party to go to tonight. Hopefully I can stick to my resolutions and remember that whatever I do, it needs to be nice to me.

Ah, Stress

Today was stressful. It was stressful because of work, it was stressful because of the wedding, and it was stressful because there are some major life changes coming and my fiance and I have to figure out how we are going to handle them all. It's frustrating, because I am the kind of person who likes to be totally type A and in control of everything, but I can only do that for my life, not other people's, and now my life is merging with someone elses. This isn't unique stress in general, but definitely the first time I have had the "getting married" stress personally.

All I was craving when I left work was wine, a cigarette, and a french bread pizza. I can't tell you how much stress that combination has helped me deal with in the past. But it's dealing with stress like that that ends up leaving me more miserable and stressed out.

So I came home, made a veggie burger, and watched jeopardy. In a bit I will clean up my room and then my apartment will all watch the new 'Celebrity' Apprentice. I stayed late at work today so missed the gym, but should be able to leave early tomorrow and do the gym if not some yoga. I have a DVD for stress release that works wonders.

I'm taking it one day at a time and being nice to myself in little bits. So far, I think it's working.

Old Habits, Dying Hard

So I did well today. I stopped at the store on my way to work and picked up kashi and skim milk, so no more bagels with veggie cream cheese from Einsteins. Lean Cuisine pizza for lunch and some vegan soup as a snack. Tonight the fiance wanted the organic brats on low carb tortillas, and I made sauerkraut on the side. Additionally, for myself, I made a veggie salad of corn, lima beans, mushrooms, red onion, tomato, and red pepper with some fresh herbs. It was delicious and I have eaten a lot of veggies, low fat dairy, and good protein today.

I didn't make it to the gym, which I feel bad about. Not because I "failed" or I "had" to go, but because I miss working out. Maybe tomorrow. Thank god it's going to be a little warmer coming up, because I cannot stand going to the gym in the cold. This is why I am moving to Houston.

It's a habit thing as much as anything else. It's easy to fall into bad habits, because the bad ones happen to be the easy ones. I usually grab a cigarette when I talk on the phone. Today, I didn't even think of having one until the phone rang. I miss my glass of wine because I'm used to it. I wanted to eat the leftover breadsticks not because they would have tasted any better than the meal I made, but because they were easier.

Its putting that extra effort in every day to be nice to me. Today I think I did a pretty good job of that.

A Different Kind of Resolution

I'm back, finally. I hurt my back and the weight of counting every calorie, trying to work out an hour a day, and letting the scale freak me out overwhelmed me and I just stopped

The good news is, I am still below 150, which was my first goal. I want to be 10-15 pounds thinner. I am getting married in three and a half months, and I am moving a few weeks after that. I will be graduating law school and beginning my law career as a married woman in a new state. I want to start out right.

I need to quit smoking. I need to drink less. I need to work out and tone. I need to eat right and lose weight.

Which brings me to resolutions. And the title of this post. I tend to the obsessive, and sometimes dieting makes me really not like myself. And the gym becomes a punishment, and I'm hungry all the time and I'm grumpy and snippy with my fiance and food stops being enjoyable or fun. And a glass of wine becomes three because just one ruins my diet anyway so who cares, and guess what? I smoke like a chimney when I drink. And Ihate myself.Because I have set myself up so that I will fail every day.

I stopped making New Years resolutions a long time ago. It's the situation I described above- sometimes maybe it IS all in the packaging, because setting a New Years resolution is often literally setting myself up for failure. Failure makes me not like me. Not liking me makes it hard to do things that I know are good for me. The more intense a resolution, the more intense the (perceived) constant failure.

I need to quit smoking. I need to drink less. I need to work out and tone. I need to eat right and lose weight.

But you know what that actually boils down to? I need to be nice to myself.

Going on a diet, the way I do it, is not nice to me. Making myself miserable in the gym by pushing until I hurt myself is not nice me. Drinking too much, smoking too much- not nice to me. But neither is eating crap, eating so much I want to make myself sick, overdosing on caffeine, giving myself a sugar high... you get the picture.

Exercising enough each week to work out my body, relieve stress, make myself stronger and make my clothes fit better- is nice to me.

Eating enough whole, healthy, nourishing food that I enjoy so that I am not bloated and uncomfortable and not lightheaded and grumpy- is nice to me. (And actually, my fiance too).

Finding ways to relax that don't involved actual poison- a bath instead of a cigarette, blogging or cooking instead of just drinking- is nice to me.

But most importantly of all- beating myself up, blaming myself for mistakes, making unreasonable demands on myself- this behavior is the worst kind of not nice to me, because it rolls like a snowball downhill and gets bigger and bigger until nothing I do is nice to me.

So that's my resolution. Think before I act and be. nice. to. me.

This probably means that I will have some wine and smoke some cigarettes and eat some pan pizza.

Hopefully, it also means that I will generally eat right and exercise more. That if I have a glass of wine I will enjoy it. And that I will lose some weight and tone myself up.

It's Different This Time

Maybe it's all in my head, but I feel like it used to be easier to lose weight. Of course, the last time I actually tried I was in my early twenties, now I'm in my late 20's. Metabolism apparently does change.

I've been working on changing my thinking. Before, I'd cut carbs for a week or so, still drink what I want, and drop those pesky 5 pounds. Now, I'm struggling to be satisfied with a pound or so a week. A WEEK. When I am working out hard and seriously watching what I eat and cutting my alcohol and I am halfway through the semester and have not ONCE had the delicious pizza in the cafeteria. It's been about a month and I am legitimately down maybe four pounds. Sometimes, it hardly seems worth it.

I am trying to learn to be happy with that. To know that I won't be where I want to be by Halloween, or maybe even by Christmas. To be happy with the fact that I haven't seen 157 in weeks, and now see 152-153, and that IS a victory, that IS success, and it is better than the alternative. When I came home from Texas, I had one pair of jeans that I could sqeeze into. They're loose now. My best friend noted that my legs do look slimmer. I can actually relax at night in something other than sweatpants.

NSV

I realized something kind of neat yesterday. I am on a particular kind of birth control, and while there are definitely reasons that is the one I choose there are also significant side effects. One of them is that the Tuesday before TOM I always have an utterly wretched day. I've never suffered PMS symptoms like I do now. I usually just acknowlegde that it's the day, not an actual problem, and shoulder through.

This month is the first month I have really been focusing on working out 5-6 times a week and eating right. And Tuesday I suddenly stopped and was like, "Hey! Today? Not that bad!" I wouldn't have even realized what day it was! Unfortunately, I was so sore from Mon/Tues that I took Wed. as an "off" workout day, and was a little grumpier then.

But it's amazing to me that even though I am concerned with fitting into jeans, my BODY is obviously concerned in so many different ways :). I never really thought much about NSV's, probably because I am not super in touch with my body. (More on that in another post). But the birth control thing is so obvious that even I couldn't miss it. It's surprising motivation found in a different place.

Baby Steps

Good news and bad news. I had a REALLY bad weekend, not that I am super-surprised. Two big birthdays, (both parties at bars), plus football at our favorite local bar all added up to too much bad food and beer. Plus, we visited a famous DC late night chili restaurant on Saturday. I feel somewhat bad, but especially in the case of this restaurant, I am leaving DC in 7 months and there are certain things I have to experience.

The good news is, the stepped up work outs seem to have worked, because I was still at 153.8 Monday morning. Usually I would have been back to 157 or worse. If I can just get the eating, working out, and NOT drinking all to work together I could actually lost weight!

That gives me about 400 calories for the day, and a nice filling and balanced breakfast. Hopefully I'll be able to keep up here this week and have a perfectly on point week to FINALLY get below 150 pounds!!!

Wine is EVIL

So I am doing great with eating and exercising, and then blowing it with wine. Several glasses equals the same amount of empty calories as just eating a damn pizza, and alcohol messes with your metabolism like crazy. I KNOW this. No more wine :). (Well, after tonight, I have two birthday parties to go to).

This weekend may be difficult. My fiance is officially moving in soon, and we have to pack all his stuff, which means being at his place. Where there isn't any food. It's not his fault, he practically lives with me now, so there's no point in keeping healthy food there. But the wine has been bad enough, I don't need to add pizza.

UGH, this losing thing is so annoying. Why can't I just magically be where I am maintaining??

Ok, I know, I know. There is no magic pill, just hard work. Grump. But I am thinking about shaking up my routine by trying the Couch to 5k plan. As much as I do the elliptical and stairmaster and bike, I am not a runner. In fact, I generally go by the mantra of "I do not run unless something is chasing me. Or if there is a spider." But everyone on EP seems to lose tons of weight when they run, so I want to give it a try. See if I CAN do it, if I can be a "runner".

So Far, So Good

For weeks, the scale has gone from a low of 153.4 pounds to a high of 157. That was better than the constant slow raise up to 160, but wasn't accomplishing anything. This week I finally saw 152.6, and the highest I've seen, even after eating, etc, was around 154. (I admit! I have one of those awful scale addictions, I am always on the scale). But I think that focusing and making myself up the exercise has really helped.

No really interesting meals this week. I have a friend in from out of town, so I am making a big pot of chili for all of us- half turkey, half lean ground beef, red and black beans, and tons of onions, garlic, herbs and spices. I think I'm going to make some cornbread too.

Here is my issue. I lost a lot of weight before on low carb diets. But I never worked out. Now, for about the last 2 years, I have been working out and I want to continue at the increase I have talked about. But I know if I do so, I have to eat carbs. Last night I worked out and I don't think I had enough food/carbs, because I was miserable- grumpy, headachy, weak. That can't be healthy, and isn't worth it.

So where do I balance? Today I worked out first thing, then came home and had a serving of whole wheat pasta, organic sauce, and a little fresh parm (300 calories) plus a tomato basil chicken sausage (I think around 100, I repackage into individual servings before I freeze so I have to check at the grocery store today). I thought that was a good mix of carbs and protein when my body needed it.

Any advice on how to healthily incorporate more carbs in to my diet to work out better?