Nutella Causing Cancer Is Officially The Worst News Of 2017

If you’ve been on the Internet anytime within the last two months, you’re probably aware of the consensus that 2016 was the worst year on record. From the drama and tension surrounding the presidential elections to the celebrity deaths of many we loved and admired, we collectively breathed a sigh of relief when the ball dropped on January 1st, signaling a new beginning. While for the first week and a half of 2017 we could live under the delusion that this year would be better, happier, and completely rid of bad news, that illusion has now been permanently shattered. Apparently we’re not about to escape the dark cloud of 2016 anytime soon, because new studies are showing that not only may Nutella be causing cancer, but it’s actually being removed from grocery store shelves amidst the fear. And here I thought things couldn’t get any worse.

The chocolate hazelnut spread that we put on everything (ok, eat straight out of the jar) contains palm oil as an ingredient, and according to the European Food Standards Authority, this oil could be giving us all cancer, since palm oil is a known carcinogen. Unlike other scares regarding substances’ impacts on our health that only have negative effects in quantities so large that we couldn’t possibly consume enough to make an impact (such as aspartame causing cancer or trace amounts of cyanide in apple juice), the study regarding Nutella states that eating even a small amount could be dangerous to your health, and therefore no amount should be deemed safe to consume.

In fact, this study has been taken so seriously that grocery stores all across Italy are pulling Nutella from their shelves, and the trend to stop selling it is spreading like Nutella on toast. While Ferrero is fighting the claims, the rest of us are left with one of the hardest decisions we’ll ever have to make: should we give up Nutella in favor of our health? Or is a life without Nutella even worth living? I need more time to process this information, but in the meantime, let’s take a moment to mourn the downfall of what was once the greatest snack and drunk-snacking fulfillment in the world…or at least in my apartment..

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RecruitmentChairTSM (@TheRecruitChair) is a contributing writer for Total Sorority Move. This current grad student and ex-sorority girl survives solely on Diet Coke and the tears of the pledges she personally victimized. She's a Monica, a Marnie, a Miranda, and a Regina. Her favorite hobbies include drinking $14 bottles of wine and binge-watching season 2 of Grey's Anatomy until she cries. You can send her annoying e-mails at RecruitChairTSM@gmail.com