Thursday, July 24, 2014

Last week on The Daters we watched as Aussie John, who is not only the most Australian bloke ever but is so emotionally hard and unmoveable people often mistake him for Uluru,went uncharacteristically giddy over a girl.

We kick off at the radio station where Burgo works (EDIT: damn, life moves fast), where he's busy organising something called the "Tinderella Ball" - some sort of hideous promotional event where single listeners can get together and drink cheap booze and ignore each other to spend the night flicking through Tinder, probably.

"Oh wait... I thought you said 'Spinderella'."

Next thing you know we're at the ball and it is PUMPING. Bright young things are swanning around in short skirts, awkward looking blokes in Myer men's department T-shirts are standing around with shifty eyes, and Burgo is counting down the minutes until he can go home.

It's also really great to see they've opened up the event to non-straight singles as well.

Like these two ladies, who seem to be really hitting it off.

Aussie John is also there, as is a disembodied voice who asks him whether he has spotted any attractive women yet. (Perhaps it is the voice of his heart, longing to be set free on a sea of emotion.)

"Yeah," he says hesitantly.

"Oh look ALL ladies are good looking like, come on, let's be fair."

Even Morrissey doesn't believe that one.

Joining him are Johnny, who is pointedly ignoring everyone in leggings, and Anna, who is trying out a new move she learned at the "How To Impress A Guy From Across The Dancefloor" one day course at the WEA:

Just to clarify: no, she's not saying "wristy".

I don't think.

And also Courteney:

John starts talking yet again about his amazing date with the hot chick that ticked his box that we spent all of last episode vaguely hearing about.

"I put myself out there and told her that I really, really like her, so I don't know if I've cooked my own duck," he says, displaying either a very weird understanding of modern dating rituals, or a very tenuous grasp of the English language.

Don't even ask about making sauces.

Suddenly the floor begins to tremble, the walls start shaking, the lights flicker, and without warning a sound unlike anything anyone has ever heard before fills the room...

It's Courtney, talking.

I'm not sure what she said, I was too busy checking all the appliances in my house trying to work out what the noise was.

Anyway it's still unclear what John has or hasn't done to his duck, but what is obvious is that he's still clinging to the idea of being Mr Single.

"If this girl had entered my life 12 months down the line, I'd have a girlfriend right now, I wouldn't be here," he says, revealing what appears to be a very sophisticated understanding of Parallel Universe Theory.

"But John, if we travel forward to 2015 and get you that girlfriend, when we go back in time to the Tinderella Ball... YOU WON'T EVEN BE THERE."

"Can't we just go back to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance?"

"Every time I think about her, I get a little bit of pep," he continues.

"Did someone call us?"

Suddenly there's another momentous occasion to celebrate: WE ARE ACTUALLY GOING TO SEE JOHN GO ON A DATE.

Yes, it only took seven episodes, but "The Daters" has finally got some footage of an actual date. Someone crack the champagne. No wait, don't. It's the ABC, they can't afford it.

So off we go to John's house where he is busy ironing a shirt for the big night.

"You don't often see plumbers ironing shirts, but I don't want to look like a scrubber," he says.

ALL T, ALL SHADE.

Next thing you know we're at a fancy restaurant, meeting the object of John's affections. She is good looking, smart, straight talking - a complete catch. He seems genuinely smitten.

Luckily all this niceness is broken up by lots of accidental innuendo over the dessert, such as John sticking his spoon into a souffle and gasping "it's still warm!" followed by her exclaiming "you know you just want to scoop it all up!"

She declares him one of the best dates she's had. He declares her "faultless" and "perfect" and that he "really, really likes her".

Then says he's not ready for a relationship.

Thanks for playing, everyone.

Now READ EPISODE EIGHT when Courteney progresses to stage two of her character development: talking for longer than five seconds.