Somewhere in between graduating college in Biology and attempting to have a life. This is my story of my running, working, relationships, school, friends and support. My ups, downs, complete failures, and undenying truths along the way. Oh, did I mention I am recovering from an eating disorder in the midst of it all? Welcome to life in recovery…. it gets a little bumpy.

“We don’t want you cheating.”

After being fed “hospitalization” “heart rate” more doctors, etc. I was slightly concerned about my heart, or maybe just more concerned that I was being threatened with the hospital. I called my grandma who told me she blames my mom, which isn’t helpful at all. I txted mom the next morning just saying, “Grandma told me she blames you for my struggle with food. It has nothing to do with you, and I’m just not sure if you want to be involved in whats going on or not. I know you have a lot going on.” She told me that she did want to know, so I sent her a couple texts about my heart, inpatient, and S had told me yesterday, “It is starting to boil down to two options, involuntarily hospitalized, or voluntarily go into treatment.”

I called the treatment place back, I called mom, grandma, even my step dad. I was shocked at the different responses. Everything from:

Grandma: “This is going to be great, I bet you are so excited.” “I get to see you for Christmas.”

Mom: “This isn’t a vacation for you, I am so sorry.”

Step dad: “Go have a fucking beer, smoke some dope and relax.”

It honestly reminded me of the book Purge, My mom, of course was trying to bring it back to her, how SHE should have caught it sooner, how she is so sorry. My step dad doesn’t wanna spend the money (hell, I don’t blame him) but said, “Well, try and see what they will have you doing so you can get out of there sooner.”

I know my grandma was trying to be supportive, but telling me to “get excited” is such a stretch. This was not how I anticipated my Senior year of college, and my Christmas break going. So, I called the place back, she was super nice, funny. Looks like December 7th, I am checking into treatment……

So, next step was getting the paper work done from my other doctor, not the one on campus, my GP, that I was cleared and stable to go. The nurse, who also knows me by name, squeezed me in for the next day, which I was very appreciative of. I fly out on Tuesday and will be gone, to come back and go to inpatient. As I sat there I decided that since she was nice enough to squeeze me in I would make her life a little easier and not put up a fuss when she wants to weigh me. So, I waited for my name to be called as my plan of being sneaky was being put into play. “Yeah, I won’t put up a fuss,” I thought to myself, “so, maybe she won’t notice when I get on the scale with all of my stuff.”

The nurse called my name, I gathered my purse, coffee, and book and followed her. “You know what we have to do.” without any hesitation I said, “Yes, ma’am.” and turned around to step on the scale backwards. She stopped me, “Woah, wait a second, don’t you want to hand me some of that stuff.” she grabbed my book and coffee and gestured for my purse. “We don’t want you cheating.” Well Damn.

After that was done, Dr. M came in shortly after, she is sassy and brutally honest as well. She came in and said, “So, how have you been since the last time? Anything new? Besides still losing MORE weight.” She said that in a matter of fact tone. I had gotten a glimpse of my chart before then and realized it had gone down. I handed her the paperwork, she looked at it wondering what it was. I explained it was paperwork for inpatient treatment. “Inpatient treatment…for the anorexia?” “Yeah.” “Awesome! I’m so glad to hear this. This is great. I’m glad you are doing this.”

I asked her about the antidepressants, she also agreed that it could be helpful and that she didn’t have or see any problem with me taking them. She went through the routine questions and asked about the usual, getting her little snarky jabs in when possible. She asked if I had a fever or chills, I answered, “I am always cold.” “Well yeah, you have no body fat.” “Sore throat, vomiting?” I looked at her… and she answered her own question…”Oh, yeah.” She had me get on the table, I stood up and she held out her hand so I wouldn’t fall. Looking back I feel like an old lady who had to be helped up. At the time I was just fixating on “Up, step, step, sit.”

She began to fill out the paperwork, less than thrilled I had lost more weight, but relieved that I was looking into inpatient. Dr. M stopped and looked at me, “We really don’t have that many anorexics or bulimics, but I want to schedule another appointment with you when you get back and touch base. I want to hear about your experience, if it was helpful, and see how you are doing. You will be my little educator about this. I will get this stuff turned in for you.”