Just another WordPress.com weblog

Thankful for…

It’s been more than a month since the miscarriage now. Thanksgiving Day was the day we had planned to announce the pregnancy (if we’d have made it that long!) I have been doing well most of the time, but I’m still having a good cry every so often. I know life isn’t easy, and I’ve experienced hardship to some extent in circumstances, relationships, and frustrations with myself. I have not experienced it as much as many people that I know or learn about. This is the closest I’ve come to dealing with the death of a person I deeply love. While it is hard for me, I have found so much to be thankful for in the process. I wanted to write out those things before I forget them, as I feel I may already be forgetting! It is so comforting to see bits of God’s grace and care in the little things while I am dealing with a big thing, death, the result of sin on this earth. It gives me hope that in other circumstances in the future, I will still be able to look and see Him and have hope, even as I grieve or struggle.

I’m thankful that when I found out I was going to miscarry, some people knew that I was pregnant. We hadn’t planned on telling anyone, but God placed certain people in our life who specifically asked, and so we told. We were so thankful for those people on that day. Plus, most of them had experienced miscarriage themselves and knew exactly what we were going through.

I’m thankful that it didn’t take long for the miscarriage to start after we knew it was pending. It wasn’t painful or complicated or long. The person who gives birth to 10+ lb babies at home, was terrified of what it would be like. With all the kids home and no desire to send them away or scare them, I’m thankful that they didn’t have to deal with the physical aspect of it as much as many. I’m also thankful that we did not have to wait long with the questions in our minds, “Could the lab tests have been wrong? Could there have been a mistake somewhere?”

I’m thankful for all the tears that my husband and kids shed. They love baby Juniper just like me. I’m so blessed to have them as part of my family. I’m thankful for the little ones’ silliness, since they didn’t understand.

I’m thankful for the blog I had read 2 days prior to the miscarriage. It helped prepare me, and gave me the idea to wrap the little sack I would find for burial.

I’m thankful that my fabric was at home and easily accessible. It had spent months up high in the garage and then at our storage unit. The week before, I had an itch to make a dress for Liesel so I brought it home. I’m thankful that I could easily grab the fabric I wanted to make the burial pouch out of without any hassle while I waited for the miscarriage to start.

I’m thankful that James could come home and be with me on Friday, and that we had the weekend together.

I’m thankful for Facebook and my blog so that I could share with people. Come Saturday evening, I wanted to share before Sunday morning when I would either find myself surround by people at church, or I would isolate myself by staying home.

I’m so thankful that I had to get a blog post done on Saturday so that I would be able to make myself go to church on Sunday. If I had waited an extra day or two, I’m not sure that I would have posted. So often I over-think things and end up not sharing out of fear of judgment. It felt nice to just be vulnerable at a moment when I didn’t have the strength to do anything else.

I’m thankful for comforting words. For the words of the song “All My Tears,” Scriptures that were sent to me, and kind words from family & friends.

I’m thankful for the outpouring of support from our family and church. I did not expect so many people to care so deeply. It’s made me want to be more active in community, and specifically to move closer to our church!

I’m thankful for my 5 kids that I get to be with and cherish.

I’m thankful for my husband who holds me and cries with me still.

I’m thankful that I didn’t become pregnant immediately following the miscarriage so that I could have more time to process everything. I had a rough week of hoping for an early positive pregnancy test but had negatives instead. If/when I am pregnant again I know that I’ll have to work through some new fears. It’s all quite exhausting and I’m glad for a break, knowing where things stand right now! Now we might make moving closer to town a priority before we have another baby… we’re not completely sure.

I’m thankful that in the future I am more equipped to offer support to a person in a similar situation.

I’m thankful to have had the joy of knowing of baby #6, Juniper, even though it was a last minute decision to have another baby so soon. I’d rather be sitting here thinking of the fact that we were excited to be having another, than to not have been pregnant at all.

I’m thankful for new music which marks this season for me. Though I thought it would mean pregnancy to me instead of loss, it hasn’t ruined the music for me. In the future it will remind me of different sorts of changes in my life, as music has a way of reminding me of the past.

I’m thankful for a continued spirit of more vulnerability in me. I can tell in conversations and in how I write that I’m not nearly as fearful as I was. I want to keep growing in that direction, as it’s always a struggle for me. I haven’t had much time to put together a blog with the constant interruptions of kids, but I have started several. (James and I hope to arrange some evenings to give me time to work on that.) I just sense a difference in me that I want to keep working on.

And last, but not least, I’m thankful for Jesus’ death and resurrection which makes the hope of heaven real. Without that, it would be impossible for me to look at death and still find so much to be thankful for.

This list includes so much that I am thankful for. I didn’t write my questions, fears, pain, shortcomings, insecurities, etc, but I’m feeling them very much every day. It is nice (and biblical) to take the time to dwell on those things I am thankful for. There is so much!

Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song. For the LORD is the great God, the great King above all gods. Psalm 95:2-3