“It’ll start off being about how lots of planes are grounded at Heathrow , but – unless you’re some kind of gibbon – you’ll realise very quickly that the ‘planes’ are Britain and the ‘fog’ is the Eurozone.

“She’ll say the only way Britain can ‘take off’ – fantastic – is to clear the fog with a referendum.

“And then the Daily Telegraph will pay her more than you earn in a fortnight.”

At the Guardian, technicians are assembling a nine foot high, revolving metaphor which stars George Osborne as a Victorian ne’er-do-well robbing the innocent public sector while undercover of a thick fog which is both the financial crisis and the inevitable consequence of Britain’s post-industrial decline.

And the Daily Mail has warned that millions of immgrants have already
used the fog to steal your job, stressing this is not a metaphor and
that you will definitely arrive at work this morning to find a sneaky
Bulgarian drinking out of your mug and chatting to your former
colleagues about Christmas television adverts.

Brubaker added: “Newspapers are a dense fog full of people who want to urinate in your face.”

Meanwhile, a poll has found that seventy-two percent of Britons believe the fog is millions of escaping ghosts.