Disneyland’s Sleeping Beauty Castle will get a major makeover beginning Jan. 7. Renovations to the park will drive up ticket prices, …again! *Instead of taking the kids to Disney World, this year we are taking them to Carpet World!

Justin Savoie, 23, had a very uncomfortable ride to jail, after police say they found a small handgun in his butt during a cavity search at the Lafourche Parish Detention Center, in Golden Meadow, Louisiana.

*If he would have fired the gun while driving, would it have been Asphalt?
*Fire In the Hole!
*The suspect isn’t saying a word to police. Let’s hope his Butt-Talks.
*Weapon of ass destruction
*A Real Assassin
*He calls the place where he stores his gun… The Butt-Hole-Ster

A Fredericksburg, VA, man has been arrested after deputies say he fired a gun into a family BBQ pit during a domestic incident Saturday
*No worries, at his next stop he’ll become some inmates ‘Favorite Grill.”
*He will become the, “Grill of his new Cellmate’s Dreams!”
*What a braisin’ act!

Using data from @NASA’s Kepler space telescope, citizen scientists have discovered a planet (known as K2-288Bb) roughly twice the size of Earth. *They think the planet may have breathable air and drinkable water, which is impressive because we barely have those things here in Arizona!!

Clemson topples Alabama 44-16; Alabama’s defense got steamrolled by Clemson in the national championship game. *I’m soooo surprised with this outcome, considering Alabama had that late season test with The Citadel! …sorry

Fact of the Day: A video game developer snuck a proposal into a game, but his girlfriend refused to play it for years, delaying their eventual marriage. *That’s totally crazy! …I mean, Video Game Developers have girlfriends??

Man, things have REALLY changed. My granddaughter was playing with two Barbie dolls, so I asked whether they were waiting for their husbands to come home. “Nope these girls are married to each other, Grandpa,” she explained. Gosh, it’s Barbie and Kendra!

“Chris Brooks, 54, of San Francisco was picking up an Egg McMuffin before work at the McDonald’s when he saw the man gripping the lifeless animal in his arms. Brooks ran to his car to get his phone to take video.”

Alabama authorities took to social media to warn residents not to eat chicken tenders left on the roadway following a crash.

*Chicken Tenders are being served today on Alabama 35 in Cherokee County near the Georgia line. Wrangle-up your Sister-wife for a choice of three dipping sauces: Peak Long-Life radiator liquid, Mobil single-grade motor oil, and Prestone brake fluid!

Appearing at the CES 2019 tech show in Las Vegas earlier this week, a company announced that their vibrators can now be controlled by an app that’s compatible with smartphones, Amazon Alexa and Apple Watch devices.

*The Banana said to Alexa: “I’m not sure what you’re shaking for …She’s NOT going to EAT you!”

*Is this ‘Plug & Play?’

*I once bought my girlfriend one of those XXXL Trojan gadgets for her birthday. She dumped me 3 days later and I didn’t even get my battery charger back!

*First hands free sex toy since Richard Gere….

*My wife already has a smart device that can do these things. ….it’s called, “My Credit Card!”

*Yes, but can it mow the lawn, take out the garbage and pay four our daughter’s wedding?

*YOU: “Alexa, turn on the vibrator.” ALEXA: ‘Okay. Playing “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood’

Judge resigns after referring to colleague as ‘the little Mexican’: An appeals court judge in Colorado who admitted referring to a fellow jurist as “the little Mexican” has resigned from the bench. Judge Laurie A. Booras has agreed to step down later this month.

Florida woman arrested after stealing several Rolexes, stashing them in her “vaginal area” and fighting police.

*With her lisp, asking for a ‘Big Clock,’ at the jewelry shop DID seem a bit unusual…
*You think that was impressive, but .. what if I told you that the Asian jeweler’s wrist was still attached??
*Hiding them up there is one thing. Finding someone to wind them on occasion is another…
*She’s the Tock of the town right now!
*The investigator didn’t know if the Rolexes were real or knock-offs. He just hadn’t be in the Loupe.
*Police are looking for the Ring Leader!
*Police knew something fishy was going on!
*All of the vagina and watch puns are getting old! …Sorry if I’m Ovary-Acting!
*She got charged with an accessory to a battery!!
*People keep telling me that a Rolex and Patek Philippe are nearly identical. …But, they’re wrong! There’s a Vas Deferens between them!

Donald Trump said earlier Monday he’s planning a smorgasbord of fast food for the Clemson Tiger football team when they visit the White House after their National Championship win last Monday against Alabama.

*People have been ultra-critical of Trump over this fast-food thing. In his defense he did tell the coaching staff that there’d be food at the White Castle, so…

President Trump served fast food to Clemson football team during a White House visit yesterday. Foreign dignitaries will get a more upscale dining experience. The next visit by Italy’s prime minister will be catered by Olive Garden.

Man self-injects semen into his back to treat pain. Rushed to hospital!
*Reading the doctor’s report on this is crazy! …Just too much information to swallow!
*In fairness, he went to his regular doctor but they weren’t open yet. Guess he came too early!??
*After he was released from the ER, the receptionist said the most rude thing to as he exited the front door… “Thanks for coming!” I mean, what a…..
*LESSON TO BE LEARNED: There’s a Vas Deferens between self diagnosis and a medical professional!

Sears Holdings could escape its brush with annihilation after the retailer’s chairman and largest investor prevailed in an auction for a shrunken version of the company. *Insiders say that if Sears could stay afloat long enough just to go bankrupt one more time, it could become president!!

Guy’s friend films, as married couple in England are caught performing oral sex as her husband drives down the highway.

*Oh, I can’t wait to hear the SAAB story when they are arraigned!!
*The car didn’t like it when they hit a speed bump while driving nearly 100mph. Eff’n Hertz!!
*They were driving to the licker-store.
*This isn’t safe! …one slip of the tongue and you’re in deep doo-doo!

Man stabbed 13 times by his girlfriend PROPOSES to her in Russian court as she is about to be sentenced for nearly killing him.
*He was going to give her a ring, but there were already two around her ankles!
*Putting the CON in Conjugal
*Life imitating art. Real Life Grand Theft Auto!

My “favorite” part is when your waitress (who has avoided your table for the duration of the meal) comes to your table with the bill and a big smile and asks if you ‘need anything,’ as if she’s been there for you during this journey for the whole evening! This “act” probably earns her 30% extra each night, but not for this guy!

(That was an original that I would do on stage in the mid 80’s as a lead off joke to break the ice -and- used to be relevant; but the world has changed. So much so, that some who read the above cringed; others didn’t care either way; others totally offended and would try to get me fired from my job, while trying to push my wife into divorcing me, et al. Ironically, in today’s world, hearing, “Nice Dick” probably happens a lot and therefore probably not even funny at all. I grant you to take it and change the punchline to fit in today’s world; could work exceptionally well in your neck of the woods… ie bay area) -Meat

Iran says it will be ready for new satellite launch in a few months after this week’s ‘failed’ satellite launch.
*Authorities say they may never know what happened to the remains of the satellite that crashed. They’re planning to wait until it shows up on eBay.

‘Idiot’ is banned from Royal Caribbean cruise ships for life and left to make his own way home after jumping 120ft from the 11th floor balcony in the Bahamas *Holy! Passengers were going to extreme lengths to avoid that Norovirus!!!

Orthodox Christians plunge into icy water for Epiphany celebration in Russia as brutal winter temperatures hit -40C. *It was so cold that the clergymen holding the event had to put their hands in their own pockets!

A cop by the name of, Rob Banks, has caused a social media frenzy after TV viewers clocked his amusing name during a news segment. *Officers Lou Tennant, Don Uts, Oliver Klozeoff and Captain Morgan all said a collective, “Finally!” When they saw the video

A 101-year-old woman brought down two deer with a single shot. That’s nothing. My elderly uncle bought prune juice at Wal-Mart when he picked up his Lipitor medication, thus killing two birds with one stone.

My wife saw a clip of stand-up comedy I performed in Ann Arbor. “Can’t you see you see that you’re making a fool of yourself?” she demanded. “Those college kids are laughing at you, Will.” Kind of the point, eh?

A new storm system will arrive in California this weekend with heavy rain and mountain snow. It may also bring wintry weather to parts of the upper Midwest early next week. *Finally, ….that extra two layers of fat American’s have …can come in handy!!!

New Poll Says 63% of Americans Think Country is On ‘Wrong Track’. *Those numbers would be higher but the other 37% were too busy …fat-shaming the grocery checkout girl; hacking your online bank account; texting while driving; and grabbing the receptionists ass, …to fill out the survey!

Quinton Peron and Napoleon Jinnies will become the first male cheerleaders ever to perform at the Super Bowl. *As a right-winged male that has a tendency to be a smart ass, I’m okay with this! …as long as I do not hear, “Gimme a D!” …That could be my breaking point!

*It’s a day where six more weeks of weather are predicted by a Rodent. Phil has been guessing the weather since 1887 and has been wrong 61% of the time …Yet, this is still front-page news. So I guess fake news isn’t a recent phenomenon.

I love February because it contains two of my favorite events: Groundhog Day, and the State of the Union Address. *One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a notoriously unreliable mammal for prognostication with no basis in reality. ..The other involves a groundhog.

It’s official – PA’s most famous groundhog is predicting an early spring. This is only the 19th time an early spring has been predicted in the 133-year history of Groundhog Day. *You’d think with technology they’d update Groundhog Day just little. Maybe have Phil stay down in his hole and just tweet out his prediction??

Today is Groundhogs Day, tomorrow is the Superbowl. The fact is… Phil peeped out of his hole and just starred at the ground. He thought it would be more exciting than watching TV all day, getting into the game, just to have the officials ruin it in the last 90 seconds!!

Trump, who once owned his own pro football team in the USFL, wouldn’t allow his son to play ‘such a dangerous sport’ of Football because concussions can lead to— emotional instability, confusion, impulsive behavior, et al.. *Basically they turn you into Donald Trump!

Today is the #SuperBowl. Trump tried stealing headlines by badmouthing the Sport for it’s violence. I think the #NFL is giving us everything #Trump hates all in one game: #Kaepernick Kneelers, Black Singers, Concussions.. #Pelosi is the lead ref, Omarosa the halftime show…

The annual Harris Poll reputation quotient made a list of the best and—and worst—extremely visible companies of 2018 and United Airlines was voted ‘worst airline in the United States.”

*United executives were happy, however, to have placed higher in the world-wide-history polls than Malaysia Flight 370, that fictional plane from the TV Series Lost and the Lockheed Model 10-E Amelia Erhart crammed into the Pacific!