33 Thoughts: A Birthday Meditation

Yesterday was my 33rd birthday and I’m really into it.

The biggest reason for that is because in the past couple of months, I’ve turned a corner and gotten to a place where I can really acknowledge and appreciate the things I do well without equivocation. And I’m learning how to acknowledge and appreciate the things I do well without getting too attached to the idea of a self. And that balance feels really important. So happy birthday to me!

And since one of the things I do really well is run my mouth, I’m kicking off my Jesus year minus a crucifixion and cutting straight to the ascension with 33 thoughts that represent where I am today.

1. Justin Bieber is such bullshit. When I think about the hotness of the spotlights we shine on that imitation crab, I could just fly into a Hulk rage.

2. We throw around “ist”, “ism”, and “phobia” so much that they have been rendered virtually meaningless. The comfort we feel from our ability to identify and call others out allows us to ignore the pain of just how little we actually do to fight racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, etc.

3. I am a musical theater writer you should know. More on this in days to come.

4. I adore Kenya Moore even when she’s completely out of order.

5. It doesn’t matter how crazy someone is acting on the train; they always know which stop is theirs.

7. I smoked weed for the first time Friday night. And … it’s not for me.

8. By smoking weed for the first time, I believe crossed the divide of being the good little black boy that I always imagined my mother and father raised and I am still grappling with how fragile identity actually is.

9. I have finally accepted that my penis is the size that it is. That’s huge. My acceptance, not my penis.

10. I do not live for the applause plause as much as the royalty checks checks. Time to get a move on, I guess.

11. I have this new thing with my 8 year old niece where I try to make her “eat her vegetables”. She doesn’t like “New Attitude” but she does like “I Will Always Love You.” So we’re getting there.

12. I recently had a realization that because our lives are finite; bound by two points, there are times when you can feel change happening at a rapid and sometimes frightening pace. I am in the midst of one of those reality storms trying to keep balance on my surfboard with as much grace as I can muster.

13. I may never vote again.

14. The second wave feminist in me is at war with the dick sucking black gay man. But there may be peace talks soon.

15. So far I don’t have a problem with the show “Looking” but watching it does reinforce the fact that I have to write myself into existence. No one else is going to do it, which is pretty damn exciting.

16. As of this posting, Zsa Zsa Gabor is still hanging on. Let that be a lesson to all of us.

17. When I was growing up and I would casually refer to someone as a friend, in an almost accusing tone, my mother would ask “what’s a friend?” I used to think she was just being ridiculous and mean. Now I wonder.

19. Beyoncé Knowles-Carter is not a feminist. It’s cool that she’s not but she’s really not. And if she tells you that she is, tell her that you’re pretty sure she really means that she is a CAPITALIST.

20. Molly Hager, Molly Hager, Molly Hager: muse.

21. I’ve lost almost 70 pounds this year and I’m still too fat for anonymous sex with most of the men on Grindr and Scruff. That rather puts it all in perspective I’d say. Equality does not extend to the bedroom.

22. I’m not mad about it though.

23. I still hold that Joni Mitchell is the mother, Liz Phair is the daughter, and Tori Amos is the holy spirit.

24. But where does that leave Stevie Nicks and Suzanne Vega? I may need to come up a different kind of ranking system.

25. I’ve always wanted to start a club called FOR BLACK GAY MEN WHO FEEL WEIRD ABOUT THEMSELVES AND NEED TO TALK ABOUT IT OVER RED WINE (FBGMWFWATANTTAIORW). Not only am I the president, I’m also a member.

26. Because I have other things to say than #yaaaaassssssss

27. I still lie to my parents about my writing. I’m still afraid they wouldn’t understand.

28. Even though I recognize it as self-defense mechanism, I still look at it as a personal failing.

29. I finally bought a pair of those sexy brightly colored briefs that white gay boy model types wear and it wasn’t nearly as humiliating as I thought it would be.

30. I am not Trayvon.

31. Even though Golden Girls was far superior, I’m Team Designing Women all the way.

32. When the night has come / and the land is dark / and the moon / is the only light we see / no I won’t be afraid / oh I won’t be afraid / just as long / as you stand / stand by me