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A man is walking down the beach and sees a woman with no arms or legs crying so he says why are you crying, she replies that she is very lonely and has never been touched by a man before, so he sits down and starts rubbing her shoulders. A couple minutes later she is sobbing a little still and she says she has never been kissed by a man before. So the man leans over and gives her a kiss, a few minutes later she says one last thing please and states that she has never been screwed by a man before....So he looks left and right, picks her up and carries her to the ocean - throws her in and says "Now your screwed"

I was standing at the bar and this Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me....
I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Jujitsu? or Judo?"
He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?
"No", I said.... "It's because you're drinking my beer you a#$hole".

Ole and Lena were out walking and Lena clutched her heart and fell to the sidewalk. Ole got out his cell phone and called 9-1-1.
The Operator said "Where are you?"
Ole answered, "We were walking and Lena is on the sidewalk on Eucalyptus Street."
The operator asked, "How do you spell that?" The phone seemed to go dead. The operator kept shouting for Ole. She could hear him panting. He finally came back on line and said, "I dragged her over to Oak Street, that's O-A-K."

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged nonsupport.
He said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," smiled Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to chip in a few bucks, myself."

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with it?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"

My wife and I are watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed.. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying,*”Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”