Sunday, February 17, 2013

My iPhone charger is so boring and dumb. But not for long. Introducing Whooz, one more gimmick-y piece of crap I don’t need, but will probably buy. At first I was like, “Oh wow, $12.95? That’s cheap.” Then I realized it’s just for a sheet of stickers, but then I thought about it some more and realized these are actually useful. Haven’t you ever been near another iPhone or MacTop and thought, “Well fuck, is this my cord?” And now you’ll know, “No, no, this isn’t mine. Mine’s the one with the cinnamon muff.”

Monday, October 29, 2012

The Pinterest/DIY/Mommy Blogger bullshit is killing me. You know what you can do instead of making – or, excuse me, crafting – a shoe tie practice board? You can let your stupid kid practice on SHOES. Where’s my fucking feature in ReadyMade?

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Nothing says “I’m still a bachelor” like a stadium seat that makes it look like you’re pissing yourself and drinking your own urine. Newsflash: your seat may be camouflage, but we can clearly see that you’ll die alone.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

I know these ice cream cone balloons have been around for-fucking-ever, but so have I, and that’s why my Alzheimer’s is starting to kick in. So moving on, have you seen these ice cream cone balloons? I hear they were invented tomorrow.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

I just got back from a vacation where I had to wear flip-flops (barf party) every day for a week. Flip-flops aren’t shoes. I felt homeless, just like this stupid flip-flop phone looks homeless. Phone homeless. ET Phone Homeless. The ET stands for Embarrassing Travesty. Also, I left my brain on vacation, did you notice?

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Nothing classes up a bucket of chicken like owning all your original teeth. (Classier still if they’re attached to your gums.) But since that’s not doable for most of you hillbillies, the next best thing is this Necktie Bib. Well, that and maybe stop sleeping with your cousins…

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

There are two things I like in life: York Peppermint Patties and breakin’ rules, and I’m all out of York Peppermint Patties. So peep your eyeholes on Trends We Love while I break the rules of this here blog (I’m the boss, seeee?) and post about pretty, inexpensive, non-home things that can distract from your ugly, cheap, homely face.

Trends We Love was started in part by our pal Lee Taylor. The site carries bags, jewelry, heroin, scarves and also I lied about the heroin. But you’ll be addicted to the crazy low prices! SEE WHAT I DID THERE? (Seriously, those earrings? 20 bones Jones. A steal, for real).

Anyway, buy it all before I buy it all because I’m fucking rich as shit and can wipe ‘em out in nanoseconds. Truth.

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