Christmas in jeopardy as Santa recalled to prison

Children worldwide were shocked this morning to find out that Christmas icon Santa Claus has been recalled to prison for breaching his release conditions. Mr Claus, who has been traditionally based at his toy making factory in the North Pole, was revealed to have spent the first 3 months of 2011 at HMP Belmarsh serving a sentence for drink-driving and breaking and entering on the 25th December 2010. He was released on licence in March, but was arrested yesterday evening when Police found him to be ‘jolly’ behind the reins of his sleigh in a Kent shopping centre.

Santa’s ‘drink-driving’ incidents have proven to be excellent material for comedians over the years due to the fact that families leave him a sherry by the chimney hearth, but little did they know that what they believed to be harmless fun was much closer to the truth than they realised. Santa’s therapist discussed the issue at a press conference, stating that “alcoholism is not a laughing matter; Mr Claus has a serious problem which we have been addressing for many years”. However, Dr Witthan was reluctant to discuss Santa’s suspected psychological issues caused by spending all year wearing the same clothes in all weather conditions.

Kent police were able to issue this statement regarding Santa’s recall – “Yesterday at around 5pm, Mr Claus was taken into custody after an officer found him sitting in a large fibreglass sleigh, laughing at unnecessary volume and sitting juniors on his lap for photographs. He then refused to give a breath sample after claiming that it would scare the children. It was on these grounds that we were required to return him to prison.”

Tom Moreover is Santa’s offender manager at the North Pole probation office, where he has been reporting to since his release. The reports available to the press showed that Mr Claus had acted in an exemplary manner since March, wearing his electronic tag and giving negative alcohol tests. Mr Moreover noted that he had shown a tendency to miss his curfew times in the period running up to Christmas, claiming to have been visiting grottos and pantomimes around the world.

Some critics believe that he shouldn’t have been released in the first place, claiming that he won the Parole Board over by his appearance alone. To have “a broad face and a little round belly, that shook when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly” does not prove that he is no longer a risk to the public, said David Main from a victim support group.

Santa’s publicist last night added that, “at the end of the day, he has to do his job and if he can’t get out there and bring festive joy to all, Yule be sorry.”