What do a penguin, a beauty queen and a crownfish have to do with each other? Nothing unless they are the main characters in a Samsung commercial in which a Penguin rescues the beauty queen who has just caught herself a Crownfish.

It's all very weird. Very noir. And it all points to Samsung's See the Whole Story website.

Ever watch a horror movie and begin to scream at the screen because the bubble-headed, big-breasted, airhead insists on answering the phone or opening the closet door rather than just...um...just walking away? Or some other totally illogical idiocy? Of course you have.

You'll want to do it again when you watch this DDB Stockholm-created commercial for McDonald's. You will scream, "Just lift the fries up to your mouth, you idiot!"

We know there are a lot of soccer...uh...football stars out there who can manipulate the ball in ways you never thought a ball could be manipulated but we haven't yet seen a manipulator who can get all the balls in one pocket all at the same time. What we really want to know is: did that hurt?

You'd have the best of two depraved worlds: a gaudy lustfest and some seriously decadent cake. Kind of like the ad at left, which was ganked out of last month's Travel and Leisure magazine.

Tagline: "Everything's sexier in Paris Las Vegas." I don't know about sexy, but it's sort of pretty after a few Pernods, and David Hasselhoff makes the occasional cameo. Plus, who can beat rooms starting at $89? Okay, okay, besidesCircus Circus.

Some people look ad ads and see one thing. Others look and see quite another. That seems to be the case with a recent billboard for the Portsmouth Historic Dockyard in England. What could be seen as a perfectly representative image depicting life at sea back in the day when men were men and women had a raw deal, others see as representative of another form of life at sea. One which portrays a very different sort of relationship between a captain and his mates.

What's that saying? Oh yea. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Or something.

- Calvin Klein hopes a new e-commerce subsite will help it unload some "white label" (that is, very expensive but still mostly nylon and cotton) sports gear.

- For marketers hoping to retain a healthy base of Internet Explorer users, IE8 might turn cookies into a sometimes friend. Its InPrivate feature blocks them and automatically clears users' browsing histories once they end a session. Some writers are fondly calling it "porn mode."

- Free din-din at Google: officially off-limits, unless you happen to be an engineer. Not to worry, less twitchy Googlers won't starve. Lunch and breakfast remain a perk.

So if you're one of those types who can't be bothered with the elitism, skill, finesse and general snottiness of tennis, you just might love this promotional spot for the WWE's Unforgiven pay-per-view event. In the spot, the WWE's Undertaker, acting as referee, shuts down Andy Roddick for complaining about one of the Undertaker's calls. And really, a sport that's totally fake, is played by idiotic buffoons and would make a space alien think twice about making contact with the human race is so much better than a namby pamby sport like tennis, right?

Three high school kids stand at the side of a track. One pulls out some chewing tobacco, then everyone's attention is captured by a rabbit with antlers. Bad taxonomy job? The creature spits tobacco out on the kids, everybody goes "Daaaang," suddenly somebody's missing a front tooth, and the moral is, don't chew tobacco.

"Dip. It can make your teeth fall out!"

By EnviroMedia for Spit It Out Texas. I don't get it. Off-topic, anti-tobacco ads -- no matter how disgusting -- always make me nostalgic for Big League Chew.