An ATTORNEY sits alone in an immense conference room of a law office in front of computer. On the screen is an UberConference call and the faces of FOUR PEOPLE on the screen: GARY, BECKY, VERNON, and ANTOINE.

ATTORNEY

Okay, everyone, welcome to the official sale of the Los Angeles Clippers basketball club. As you will recall, this is an open auction with no minimum.

BECKY

Excuse me?

ATTORNEY

Yes, Becky?

BECKY

“Basketball club?” What is that about?

ATTORNEY

Our firm has been hired to conduct an auction of the Los Angeles Clippers basketball club. What is your question?

BECKY

Oh. I see. Because I thought this was for a pair of hedge clippers. I saw this ad on Craigslist and they said I should call this number. Did I dial the wrong number?

ATTORNEY

No. You dialed correctly. This is the number we had in the Craigslist ad. Would you like participate in the auction?

BECKY

Well, I was really just looking for something to trim my hedges…

ATTORNEY

I’d be willing to throw in a nice set of hedge clippers myself if you win the bidding.

BECKY

But I don’t know if I really want a basketball team…

VERNON

(interrupting)

Can we get this started? I have to leave for work pretty soon.

Attorney clicks on Vernon’s image on the UberConference screen and goes to his Facebook page. We see a burly and jovial-looking guy in a security guard uniform.

Congratulations to CEO and co-founder Craig Walker who will be receiving the 2014 Georgetown Entrepreneurial Excellence Award for Outstanding Alumni Entrepreneur. Craig was chosen by the board of the Georgetown Entrepreneurship Alliance for his level of innovation and service to the entrepreneurial community, demonstration of positive impact on business, and other qualities of an entrepreneur and Georgetown graduate. The award will be given as part of Entreprelooza on Georgetown’s campus.

You asked for it, and we delivered. We are pleased to announce a fantastic new addition to our suite of productivity applications with screen sharing. Our award-winning teleconferencing service now supports real-time collaboration with screen sharing. (In addition to recent integrations with Google Hangouts, Google Doc add-ons, and in-conference document sharing.)

Facilitating a screen share is as easy as clicking the “Share Your Screen” button in the bottom left corner of the UberConference dashboard in Google Chrome. Presenters without the UberConference extension will be prompted to install it the first time they screen share, also having the option to share their full screen or a specific tab. Viewers will automatically be able to see the presenter’s screen view on their own screens using any browser.

Today we’re going to look at the Completely Unrelated Anecdote Guy and the Hello? Is This Thing Working? Gal.

First up: the Completely Unrelated Anecdote Guy. At first, this type can be charming. He’s got a million great stories: his life on the high seas as a crab fisherman, the years he spent in minor league hockey, cutthroat tales on the floor of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange. Oh, I could go on and on. And so could he.

Here’s how this thing sort of plays out:

CALLER 1: Now as far as the language in Hold Harmless sections here.

CALLER 2: It’s fairly standard language.

CALLER 1: And that’s our problem —

COMPLETELY UNRELATED ANECDOTE GUY: Did I ever tell you guys about the wrestling match I was in in the Phillipines back in 1979?

CALLER 1: What?! What does that have to do with what we’re talking about?

COMPLETELY UNRELATED ANECDOTE GUY: Well, we’re talking about holds here, right? Let me tell you, I was working the professional circuit in those days. Very popular character: Uncle Sam the Hammer. Patriotic type. Striped pants. Red, white and blue outfit. Top hat. Although in the Phillipines, the Uncle Sam the Hammer character was a villain. Anyway, one particularly steamy night in Manila —

CALLER 2: Excuse me, but what does this have to do with the Hold Harmless language?

The Completely Unrelated Anecdote basically is a narcissist. They are staring into every situation and seeing themselves. In the Greek myth of Narcissus, Narcissus was so enamoured of themselves as he stared into his reflection in a pond and then fell in and drown.

Similarly, the best way to manage this person on a conference call is to let them know two things:

1. If they tell one more anecdote, they will be hung up on.
2. You’re not kidding.

They will respond thusly: “Sorry. You know, I worked in the merchant marine once with a guy who had a million stories.”

Once this happens, you will hang up on the person. When they call back in, remind them you weren’t kidding. And that you have one finger on the hangup button on their line.

We now come to the Hello? Is Thing Working? Hello? Gal.

The answer is: Yes. Yes, it’s working. Stop asking that question. We all know you can hear us. Stop pretending. It goes like this:

CALLER 1: Okay, as far as Thursday’s agenda,

HELLO GAL: Hello? Hello?

CALLER 2: Yeah, Denise. We hear you.

HELLO GAL: Is this thing working?

CALLER 1: Yes, it’s working. Now, as far as Thursday–

HELLO GAL: Can you all hear me?

CALLER 2: Yes, we can hear you.

HELLO GAL: I can hear you guys. But can you hear me? Hello?

CALLER 1: YES! WE CAN HEAR YOU!

HELLO GAL: Gosh, Bob, you don’t have to yell.

CALLER 1: Good. Thursday’s agenda will have–

HELLO GAL: Hello? I think I just lost the connection. Are you all there?

At this point, things are about to turn ugly. What all of you could do is start yelling at her. But what does that get you? Nothing, my friends. Here’s what you all do. Sit perfectly still for a minute, all of you. Nobody moves or makes a sound.

She’ll keep asking if you’re and when you don’t respond, she’ll think she’s lost the call. She’ll hang up and you’re in the clear. You can finish the call without her.