Writing to make amends after years of ingratitude

Dear Miss Manners: Let me begin with the worst of it (Miss Manners would be advised to brace herself). I am 20 and have not written thank-you notes for holidays and birthdays for about two years now.

I'd like to make amends with my family members who sent me nice gifts that I didn't thank them properly for, but I'm not exactly sure what the right course of action is at this point. Do I just send out thank-yous for the gifts I received this year and try not to draw explicit attention to how remiss I have been in my correspondence? Can I apologize for not sending thank-you notes in the past?

I'd like to acknowledge what they sent me before, but I'm sure I've forgotten some of the things I've received (which is horrible), and I don't want to make it sound like I'm ungrateful by omitting them. I also don't want to make it sound like I'm asking for gifts in the future or try to furnish excuses (I don't have any).

I really just want to apologize, express my gratitude and move on, but I'm struggling to figure out how to do that.

Gentle reader: You are not the worst. The worst are ingrates who, far from being repentant, try to cast blame on their benefactors for being so selfish as to expect any response to their generosity. In fact, your relatives have been especially generous in continuing to send you presents in the absence of responses.

Still, your record is pretty bad, and Miss Manners is gratified that you are ready to make amends. You are, she presumes, prepared to grovel.

Your letters should begin with enthusiastic thanks for the latest presents, and then go into high praise for their past kindness. For the past presents that you can recall, write specifically about how you have been enjoying them all this time.

Then comes the self-flagellation. The important part is to refrain from offering any excuses. Claiming to have been busy, even with examples of the demands upon you, only annoys people. It prompts them to reflect that they, too, were busy, but made time to send you presents.

Rather, it should be all about how ashamed you are not to have acknowledged their warmth and consideration, which means so much to you. Miss Manners understands that this seems a grim task. But she promises that you will feel better afterward.

Dear Miss Manners: I have a 3-year-old son and a 5-year-old daughter. My best friend has two daughters, roughly the same ages, and is of the opinion that I must begin teaching my son "to behave like a gentleman."

For now that includes pulling out chairs for girls, opening and holding doors for them, standing every time they sit down at or leave the table, that sort of thing. Down the line this would expand to include actions like always paying when with a woman, whether or not they are on a date, and having her wait while he runs around to open the car door for her.

I disagree. As gallant as such actions would be, I fear in the coming years he would be likely to offend the women and embarrass the other men involved. (Not that I think this is how it should be, but I believe it is where our society is heading.)

I am teaching both of my children to simply be courteous to others. Whoever gets to the door first opens and holds it for the person behind him (or her). They both should stand while greeting a new person approaching the table ... you get the idea.

Gentle reader: Indeed. Those are the standard courtesies of our time. Little girls who are being brought up to expect to have their bills paid by male acquaintances and their male bosses to rise when they enter the room are in for some big shocks.

Miss Manners admits to hoping that reasonable gallantry survives — in the social sphere only — but not by expecting it of 3-year-olds. Like toddlers in mini versions of dinner jackets and other adult clothing, that would be just a bit icky.

Dear Miss Manners: I received two gifts that included gift receipts. After thanking the donors, I returned the items because they were not to my liking. Having gift receipts made the process easy and possible. One donor asked if I enjoyed the item and was disappointed to learn that it had been returned. What should one do if the situation repeats itself?

Gentle reader: Tell the donor that you enjoyed the item, as of course you did. Miss Manners sees no reason to explain that your enjoyment came from being able to turn it into something that you wanted.