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Monday, March 10, 2008

HEALTH CARE EXECUTIVES TO START BILLING MUNICIPILATIES FOR CONTENTS OF DRUGS IN DRINKING WATER

NO MORE FREE RIDES DECLARES HMO EXECUTIVE

Barry Bonds “alleged” use of steroids and human growth hormone has helped to make San Francisco’s drinking water rich in nutrients and supplements. A spokesperson for the F.D.A. said San Francisco’s drinking water reportedly has more ‘roids in it than a 1980’s Russian weightlifter.

Health Care executive across the country were shocked to find out that over 41 million Americans have been receiving free drugs, delivered to them via their local water systems. Health Care executives and representatives from the F.D.A. have been working around the clock this past weekend trying to come up with a billing system for each city, based on their particular drug use.

"It’s complicated", Phizer spokesperson Mr. Ian MacKaye said. “For instance the water in San Francisco has large traces of human growth hormones in it. We’re not sure if that is because of the large trans-gender population or from Barry Bonds. Regardless, there are a lot of menopausal women in that city who are getting a free ride right now and we are going to put a stop to it. They might give out free drugs and healthcare in Mexico, Canada and other 3rd world countries but we don’t do that here, that’s Un-American.”

Pressed further Mr. MacKaye said “New York City has large traces of tranquilizers and sedatives. There are huge traces of Xanax in New York’s water. We think George Steinbrenner had the water spiked in the 70’s when Billy Martin was a Yankee. Obviously it never calmed down Billy Martin but the Xanax played a large role in New York’s great revival in the late 90’s. Obviously we are going to have to ease New York City gradually off of the Xanax. There is always a slight chance a New Yorker could get violent. We’ll probably ease them over to a milder anti-anxiety medicine and of course a generic drug so the city will save money.”

Mr. MacKaye also stated that they found 2 hereto undiscovered drugs in New Jersey’s drinking water. “We’re not sure what the 2 new drugs do exactly. We’re pretty sure they are sedatives but the F.D.A. is going to conduct a series of tests. Obviously they are very strong drugs because the people live in New Jersey. For years people have wondered why anyone would stay in New Jersey? Jon Bon Jovi is from their from gods sakes, what sane person would want to live in the same state as him? Well now we know why people stay in New Jersey, because clearly they are on very, very strong drugs. He added, “New Jersey can expect to see a bill by early April.”