Pretend

I understand that road-rage is a problem. I’m more than willing to drive around town trying to find the jackass that cut you off. Any reason to turn on my lights and sirens and drive fast is reason enough for me, that’s why I got this job. I totally believe that you were driving the speed limit, using your car’s turn indicators as well as arm signals, coming to complete stops, and utilizing all of your mirrors, when out of nowhere, this idiot starts harassing you on the road. You didn’t do anything, I get it.

So, you want me to race around, putting my life, and the public’s lives, in danger, because he did what to you? I’m sorry, you’re going to have to repeat yourself, it sounded like you said he made his hand into the shape of a gun and pointed it at you. Oh, you did. Then he fired his finger gun three times and said, “Pew, pew, pew,” and drove off?

I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to pretend to chase after him, I’ll even say, “Wheeeee ewwwww, wheeeee ewwwww, wheeeee ewwww.” After I catch him, I’ll pretend to write him a citation. Then I’ll tell him if he ever points his finger gun at anyone again, I’ll take him to pretend jail, and believe me, you don’t want to go to pretend jail. It’s hard enough to do time in real jail, when you know what’s eventually coming, but pretend jail, don’t get me started.