So Here’s A Vegetarian ‘Game Of Thrones’-Themed Burger Called The Kale-esi

Do you enjoy the popular HBO television show Game of Thrones, confusing wordplay, and aggressively not eating meat? You do?! Well then I have excellent news for you: the mad scientist behind Pornburger has created a Game of Thrones-themed vegetarian burger called “the Kaleesi.” Get it? Kale-esi.

1) If you’re going to make a kale-based Game of Thrones burger, it should be called “the Kale Drogo.” It just rolls off the tongue better. Plus, it allows you to avoid a situation where you have to choose between (a) inserting a hyphen in the title — as I did in the headline — and risking the possibility that people won’t get that “Kale-esi” means Khaleesi, or (b) leaving it as is and getting yelled at by thousands of high-strung fans who think you misspelled the name of their beloved dragon warrior queen. So, yeah. Kale Drogo. Here to help.

2) No. Nope nope nope. And I don’t say that because I’m some meat-lovin’, man-cave-dwellin’ zealot, either. Eat whatever the hell you want, I say, plant-based or otherwise. It’s just that … it just doesn’t fit. Game of Thrones is a show that is fully committed to violent murder, and horse decapitation, and occasional arm-roasting. Turning that into a veggie burger just feels wrong, like a Mad Men virgin cocktail or a Justified, uh … a Justified … reverse … gun? Crap. I’ll work on that last one and get back to you.

“Go Fuck yourself. Why don’t you lay down on some train tracks after you don’t eat. This has got to be the only country in the world where some people are digging through the dirt for a peach pit, while others eat a nice full meal and puke it up intentionally”.

A vegetarian burger is just wrong in principle. You’re eating a kale sandwich, not a burger. And having to pretend that crisped shiitake is somehow equivalent to “bacon” shows just how sad an existence this is.