Proving that a fat chick can, and sometimes does, marry a really hot guy.
Since 2003.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

In whIch I both overshare and whine.

There are about 1 million things I need to be doing right now. I haven't been to the grocery store in about two weeks. I haven't checked my work email in more than a week. I've not read anyone's blog in over a week. I desperately need to be doing research for the book. There is a stack of mail to open. I've got to pay bills.

All that can wait, I suppose. I've got to talk about what's happened recently.

You all know I love Jason, right? I mean, I don't just love him, I love him. You know? I respect him. He's my best friend. We're partners and parents and all that other crap. He sings songs to me like, "My Steph-oh-na" instead of "My Sharona". I mean, it's pretty good. Really good, even.

But his family? Would like it very much if I didn't exist at all. Except for his grandma. She thinks Jason poops ice cream. It's quite possible she loves me only by association, but I don't care. I'll take it.

I am as good to Jason's grandma as I possibly can be. We call her regularly and send her pictures and letters. We've never really visited her a lot. At first it was because she lived in New Hampshire. Now, it's because she lives in North Carolina.

My great-grandmother just died though, and I'm feeling really sad about it. Not necessarily because she died, because she was old and ill and tired and I didn't want her to suffer. But because I didn't see her enough or tell her when I had the opportunity how much she meant to me. I can't change that now, but I can change other things in my life and other relationships.

Because, as someone very wise pointed out to me this weekend, it's all about relationships. Sure you can leave people physical possessions, but what they care about is the memories you've made together. Okay, maybe some people in my family care about the physical possessions. But normal people care about the relationships.

I care, deeply, about relationships.

Jason came to North Carolina, driving all night Thursday and arriving on Friday morning at around 6:30am. On Friday night he said to me, "Let's go pick up my grandma and take her out to dinner."

This? Surprised me.

Jason hasn't spoken to his sister or mother in nearly four years, after the huge major blow-out right before we moved. It was painful. I have encouraged him to try to re-open the lines of communication.

He's not interested.

And that's fine, you know? It's really fine. He's probably a lot mentally healthier than I am and if he needs to cut people out of his life to make it okay, well then he can just go on with his bad self.

We see her house for the first time. It's pretty big. Lots of walk-in closets. She can't find her keys and forgets to put in her hearing aid.

She looks thin.

We take her to an Italian restaurant. She's easily confused. She keeps asking if the children are teenagers now. She tells us stories about people we don't know.

We take her to my parents house, which is full of people. It's a madhouse.

She hugs my daughter and my son. My daughter sits between us and tells me over and over how beautiful she is. She wants to know the names of each person here and who they are...how they are a part of my life.

We take her home. It's late and dark. Jason asks me to ride along with him, and I think I know why, but I don't say a word.

Jason says he'll walk her in and I can wait in the car. I get out of the backseat and hug Grammie, who begins to cry. I tell her we love her and if she needs anything to let us know. We'll help her however we can.

The next morning, Jason's cell phone rang bright and early. He and I were already relaxing in the pool. Later he listened to the voice mail message and it was his sister saying she hadn't seen him in years and that she would like to see him.

He hit erase.

I asked if he would call her back and he said no, he wouldn't. I didn't ask why, but later, on our long, long ride home he said.You are my wife. You and our children are my family. I don't understand why they can't accept that. I can't believe she would call and say she wants to see "me" and not "us". They just don't understand. They'll never understand. I've given them all these chances and they just don't understand or accept that I've made my choice and my choice is you.

And that's it, really. They see him as a separateentity, and while he is, in a way, he's also my husband. He's my children's father. He is part of my family.

31 comments:

Some people think if they ignore what intimidates them, it will go away. They think they can ignore it into not existing. The people they're really hurting, though, are themselves. Because if they would get to know you - and see that you aren't keeping Jason from them (they're pushing him away) - they would realize they'd been missing out on a pretty awesome chick all this time.

You picked a good one in Jason! More men should stand up for their women that way.

My brother's getting married next month to a girl none of us like. We all think she's completely wrong for him. Completely. But, he loves her and wants to be with her, so we're choosing to love her too. We're all involved in the wedding and have accepted his choice. Not because we want to, but because we love him and don't want to lose him.

I love Jason. I too cut out my mother and sister not because they didn't accept the man I married, because I'm single, but because they've never accepted ME. It's a constant manipulation and I finally pulled the plug on it.

If you aren't happy, then no one around you is happy and people not accepting who you are or what you've done is never going work.

It never fails to amaze me how families think they have the right to control other members of the family. Amanda daybyday up there has it exactly right -- even though you don't care for someone or think someone isn't right for a member of the family, you suck it up and do it "because we love him and don't want to lose him." Amanda, you hit the nail on the head.

My two stepdaughters have made terrible choices in men. One is living with a guy who is a high school drop out and can't get a job that pays more than minimum wage. He's moved her back to Kentucky, to Ohio, and back to Calif. We think he's a loser and a flake, but she loves him, and we don't want to lose him, so we suck it up.

Oldest stepdaughter married someone who is about as poor white trash as you can get. He works fast food and doesn't appear to have any ambition to get any other job. His family is very dysfunctional. They all came to the wedding (at the justice of the peace at the courthouse) in jeans -- JEANS for God's sake -- and I don't think that they have a full set of teeth between them! His dad lives with them, his dad's ex-girlfriend still lives with them after they broke up, my youngest stepdaughter and her b/f now lives with them -- plus my stepdaughter, her husband, her little boy and she's pregnant. All in a 2-bedroom, one bathroom house. Yeah. And if you kept count? That's 7 people that live there.

We grit our teeth and and just accept them the way they are and as long as they are happy? We don't say anything. Why? Because we love them and don't want to lose them.

Clearly Jason's family doesn't have that clarity of thinking. To their loss.

You know they always tell you to picture people in their underwear to alleviate your fears....or some such. But mom-in-law's butt? Yeah? I wouldn't want to go there.

One would think, they would at least be civil for the sake of having their son in their life. But if they are the type of people that will easily cut off their son for no good reason, what can you really expect? It must hurt though.

It is wonderful that Jason has you to be happy with and very sad that his sister and mom are not happy for him. Kudos to Grammas who see past that and love the people who the people they love love. (Did that sentence make sense?) Because, even if it's love by association, you are important to Jason's Grandma because you are important to him.

Is picturing your mother-in-laws butt like picturing a crowd to whom you are speaking naked? 'Cuz if so, next time you run into her, you can just be grateful she isn't half naked again. :)

It sounds like Jason has his priorities right where they should be. As for his family it's too bad they can't except his choices and really get to know you. Because if they did they would realize You are awesome! They would realize what they are missing out on.

Ass for the mother-in-law's ass..I'm so sorry you had to see that! Hope you can burn that image from your brain!

Oh, Chick! That is just horrible. But? I can honestly say that never having met you or Jason I would absolutely love the two of you because you are so much like our dear friends Ian and Vonda. Ian's parents don't accept Vonda or her existence as Ian's wife and she is the most pure, wonderful, and beautiful woman I've ever known. His parents have never seen their two granddaughters. Hell, I don't think they even know about the second one. The first one? They had an opportunity to meet last year and didn't do it. They sound just like Jason's mom and sister and Ian has made the same decision as Jason. It's so sad and yet the only people they are hurting is themselves.

We'll have to send Ian's parents' names and contact info to Jason's mom. I think they'll get along just beautifully.

Woman, I so needed to read this today. We were in the same exact position except for instead of family not accepting me, it's one of my husband's friends who's turned the rest of the friends against me. It's been painful and they've cut us out of their lives, I think they're holding their breath till we get a divorce so they can try to have a relationship with him.

Good for Jason to stand up for his family! And how horrible for them to be missing out on his wonderful family. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Actually, my mother cut off all contact with her mother & two sisters about two years ago - under entirely different circumstances, but still - they all live within 30 minutes of each other, and have for, like, ever.

Initially we pushed for her to resolve differences, thinking she might regret it when her mother, my grandmother, is dead (she's 80 and, as far as I know, quite healthy), she always refused. And now, while she still throws out the odd barb here & there, I think she's actually fine. Sometimes cutting out the negative, family or not, is not necessarily a bad thing. (Hell, she hasn't spoken to her brother in 35 years!!)

My mother in law is the same way. But she calls the house and FREAKS OUT on me. "I've been trying to call, where have ya'll been...is Tony there? I need to talk to him!" I want to tell her, "BITCH we have been avoiding your crazy self. We screen our calls...when we see it's you, nobody wants to answer, including your 12 year old granddaughter. LUNATIC!!"