Apes and Monkeys: The Capulets and Montagues of the Oligocene Epoch

Apes and monkeys: what’s the difference, right? Different names for the same thing? Or different names for a slightly different thing that might as well be the same thing, because honestly? Scientists are closer than ever to solving these crucial, real, and time-sensitive mysteries.

“What makes an ape an ape and a monkey a monkey? DNA analysis has long hinted at the point of divergence of the two on the evolutionary timeline, but a recent discovery in Tanzania may be the evidence scientists have been searching for,” Design & Trend magazine, the online home of breaking primate news, reports. Newly dug-up fossils belonging to a monkey and an ape—the earliest ever discovered belonging to these particular creatures—reveal the existence of two different types of animals as early as 25 million years ago.

The New Scientist—Design & Trend’s fierce competitor for archaeological scoops—notes that around 25 years ago, tectonic plate activity “fragmented the topography, creating mountains, deep valleys and lakes” in Tanzania, and possibly “drove the split of apes—and therefore humans—from monkeys.”

Never mind the mere shattering of the Earth: there are far more Earth-shattering differences that contributed to the permanent schism between ape and monkey. Below, a timeline of these indelible ruptures:

33 million years ago: Monkey and ape agree to meet for dinner a week ahead of time. Monkey thinks plans are up in the air until a specific date and location is chosen; ape thinks the plan is solid and proceeds as if dinner with the monkey is definitely happening. Thursday rolls around and monkey hasn’t heard from ape and assumes plans are off, so monkey makes plans with a crocodile. Ape then gets in touch with monkey, like, “Where do you want to meet?” And monkey is like, “Oh, I didn’t realize we were still on?” Ape is incredibly offended and declines to pick a date to reschedule.

30 million years ago:Ape’s daughter and son-in-law never send monkey a thank-you note for wedding gift. It’s been 30 million years and the grace period for that sort of thing is 10 million years at most.

29 million years ago: Ape is unsure of whether to break up with his demanding live-in girlfriend. Monkey, misjudging the ape’s seriousness, agrees that he totally should break up with her. You know how this ends: ape does not break up with girlfriend and now ape’s girlfriend doesn’t allow ape to see monkey anymore.

26 million years ago: Monkey has birthday dinner at overpriced Japanese place and makes everyone split the bill, even though ape is a vegan and just ordered a bowl of rice. Ape ends up spending $120 on other people’s sushi and sake—plus the gift certificate to Frette that ape gave monkey for his birthday.