Monday, July 11, 2005

The Washingtonienne, Jessica Cutler

She has a novel which hit the bookstores in May and is the writer of an explosive blog revealing some very personal information about her exploits as a mailroom clerk in Washington DC. Jessica Cutler has been described as “vain”, “trashy” and a “strumpet” with dirty secrets, but she is proving there is more to her than being a blogger with a fascinating sex life.

The smart, hip chick scored a major deal with a big advance and is busy working on a new book. The Washingtonienne is getting fabulous reviews and I’m excited to be her new best friend and confidant. I could spill lots of secrets but I won't because girls like me know how to keep things on the down low. But I can reveal our discussion which took place last week over vodka and tequila shooters.

Jessica, out of everything I have read about you, my favorite is this:"That is, I could not care less about government or politics, but working or a Senator looks good on my resume. And these marble hallways are such great places for meeting boys and showing off my outfits!"

With that being said, what are you wearing? And I don’t mean that in a creepy, I- hope- you- are- naked- wearing- stilettos way. I mean it in an are- you- wearing a Hollister- tee- shirt- and flip flops- with- darling accessories- or a Stella McCartney slip-dress with pigtails and nipple clips?

I like the color green, Lil’ Kim’s first CD, free stuff, and making out with someone for the first time.

I think being a beard for a gay actor is a great gig. I mean you get lots of money, get to travel, wear great clothes, meet celebrities and get all the colonics a girl could wish for. What could be better?

Being a beard for a gay fashion designer.

Britney Spears likes Cheetos and greasy thugs with mullets. Would you trade places with her? Can you even imagine all the jerky you would have to consume if you were Mrs. Federline. But admit it, the manpris, the puffy unlaced shoes...Kev’s hot. Kind of.

Britney’s got her money, she’s got her baby, and she doesn’t give a damn what people like us think. I admire her for that, but I wouldn’t trade places with her. She’s too famous. It doesn’t happen often, but I hate whenever someone recognizes me and watches what I do. It is the worst feeling. Kevin is a little too “rough trade” for my taste, but he probably has a huge penis or something.

Jessica, you posed for Playboy, (you have great boobs, darling!) had lots of sex and then got published by a company owned by Disney. Ironic, no?

But I had no boobs! I couldn’t keep any weight on last summer because of all the stress, and my tits just disappeared. But thanks, and I’m happy to report that they are back in full effect. Disney also owns ABC, home of “Desperate Housewives,” so they aren’t ignorant to the fact that sex sells. It’s a business.

Did you sip on Mad Dog or Cristal to loosen up for the Playboy shoot? Did you get to take a dip in the grotto and check out all the implants? Did you get to try on Hef’s robe? Was Robin Leach there? I hear he's very horny.

They didn’t have alcohol at any of the shoots, but we’d all go out to dinner and get wasted afterwards. I didn’t need to get drunk to pose nude. It’s not much different from taking vacation photos on Miami Beach. I have not been to the Mansion, so I don’t know about any of that other stuff.

You got offered $20K from the National Enquirer but turned it down. Let's see, that money could have bought lots of fun things like distressed jeans with a frayed hem, Lip Venom and a trip to Capri. Why did you say no?

They actually offered $50K, and I should have just taken the money because they published a fabricated interview with me anyway. I said no because they wanted me to name names and I didn’t feel comfortable with that. Also, it’s the Enquirer. Pluh!

You were a blogger, I am blogger. Except you’re now rich and famous and I’m… not. What do I need to do? Having random sex is out of the question because I’m already taken. It’s not like you set out to write a tell-all fiction account of your experiences in Washington. But here you are. Are you happy with how things turned out?

When has being “taken” ever stopped anybody from having sex in the history of the world? Never! But that’s only part of my secret to success. I never asked anyone to read my blog, nor was I writing for a mass audience. People read it for their own reasons, and the fact that so many other bloggers felt the need to write about it helped, too. It showed that there was an audience with a high level of interest in my story. That’s what makes someone marketable. Coming forward and taking responsibility for what I wrote felt like the right thing to do. If I tried to lie about it, I would have looked even stupider. I took a risk, but it paid off. Damn right, I'm happy.

If we were to meet up for drinks, I’d have a cosmopolitan followed by a vodka tonic and then maybe a shot of something strong. What about you? And I’m pretty sure if we met up for those drinks, we would end up chatting about clothes and boys and then go to the bathroom together and brush each others hair and share lipstick. It’s just like high school but better because we have more money!

Exactly! Like Patsy and Eddy in “Absolutely Fabulous.” I like to start with a shot before I leave the house. Then I order some kind of hard liquor on the rocks when I get to the bar. Repeat until I puke. That’s how we stay thin.

My days are filled with colonics, tanning and lying by my pool while drinking vodkatinis. Tell me about a typical day in the life of Jessica Cutler.

It varies, but I usually wake up around 10am. I take my dog to the park for an hour while I stare into space with my sunglasses on, trying to wake up. I go home and check e-mails. Then I try to work until “Law & Order” comes on at 3pm. More e-mailing, then I do some errands when my stories are over. I take the dog out again, nap for an hour, and get dressed before someone takes me out to dinner, usually around 10pm. I don’t like to go out until after midnight, because that’s when all the corny people have gone home early because they have jobs to go to. I don’t go out on Fridays or Saturdays anymore at all. Too many people from out of town, it’s for amateurs. In New York, Wednesday is the new Friday.

I want to be rich, a little famous, travel to Paris and drive an Infiniti with buttery leather seats. What do you want out of life?

Right now, I want someone who will pay the rent but won’t want to live with me. When I’m old (sitting in a rocking chair, drinking brandy all day), I want to feel satisfied that I lived my life and didn’t miss out on anything. I can't wait to get old. What a relief it would be to say, "Okay, I'm done now!"

Thanks to Jessica who is very humorous, straightforward, and fun to chat with. She is offering a free signed copy of her novel to one of my readers. Send an email to me at DistressedJeans@juno.com, be the tenth person to reply and you will win what Amazon calls one of the best beach reads this summer! That's Hot!