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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Level the Playing Field: Legalize Dog Fighting, Outlaw Football!

Satire By John W. Lillpop

While politicians waste time and taxpayer money on trivial matters like the war in Iraq, global warming, illegal aliens, and foreclosure of the housing bubble via sub-prime loan chicanery, more astute Americans spend their days and nights worrying about canine cruelty.

Bleeding heart PETA types, energized by the Michael Vick dog fighting kerfuffel, have taken to staged hand wringing and crying jags over a few wasted mutts. These outbursts can occur anywhere at any time, but are most likely to crop up whenever two or more television camera crews are spotted at a courthouse or on a football field.

Given their way, PETA would resolve the Vick matter by hanging the once beloved quarterback from a goal post during half time of the Atlanta Falcons' home opener in the Georgia Dome on September 23.

To assure maximum excitement, PETA would have Vick wrapped in a remote-controlled electrocution blanket just in case hanging failed to end the miserable life of Number 7.

When text messaged to do so by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, the president of PETA would push a red button that would immediately send 30,000 volts of Carolina Power and Light juice rushing through Vick's being.

75,000 rabid fans would roar their approval in unison as Michael Vick's smoldering remains would be lowered from the goal post, signaling the end of half time festivities and the looming second half kickoff.

Justice is indeed a brutal taskmaster, especially when in the hands of reckless people who hold the lives of dogs, cats, canaries, field mice and rats in greater esteem than that of human beings.

Someone needs to remind PETA and supporters that dogs are just dogs. Dogs have no souls, none will go to heaven, they pay no taxes, and except for a few hundred thousand who are registered Democrats in Nancy Pelosi's congressional district, dogs do not vote or otherwise contribute to our freedom.

Face it, PETA, dogs are dispensable and totally replaceable.

Even the little old lady whose tender heart was nearly ripped out of her wrinkled chest when she accidentally microwaved her pet poodle got over the trauma and found a replacement pet-victim within a couple of days.

Ask her about Alice (the fried poodle) now and that old lady stares blankly into space and asks, "Alice who?"

And so it is, even for people without dementia. Dogs are dogs, but you can replace the darn things at the drop of a hat, or following an unplanned microwave nuking.

Those who really give a tinker's dam about life should abandon all this PETA nonsense and focus instead on saving human lives.

We can start by outlawing pro football.

This so-called sport is nothing more than controlled gang violence staged for the amusement of millions of "fans" who sit on their already elongated posteriors in front of plasma televisions for 10-12 hours every Sunday.

Not content with just eating ungodly amounts of chips, burgers, and hot dogs, and drinking enough beer to float the entire city of Milwaukee across the border into Canada, these Type 2 diabetics and heart disease patients in the making gamble away tens of billions of dollars on who will win and by how many points.

Mind you, this homage is paid to the god of 'blood and sport' each and every Sunday!

The charm of football is best seen in instant replays played in slow motion so that fans can see the spilling of blood and the actual breaking of human necks, arms, backs, and teeth time and time again. Concussions are a fan favorite and are tended to by physicians who are "on call" on the sidelines for $5,000 per game.

Not bad pay for watching a pro football game for a couple of hours while waiting for human disaster to strike.

Bloodthirsty fans can even DVD-tape the carnage for later viewing at church functions, family reunions, weddings, and other occasions held to celebrate traditional American family values.

To be fair, let's level the playing field by legalizing dog fighting and outlawing the far more inhumane and violent blood sport called football.

Do it out of respect and love for Michael Vick and other fun-loving good old boys from the south who simply cannot be expected to know any better!