9 things we learn about rich people from Gwyneth Paltrow’s garden party

Gwyneth Paltrow and her absurdly out-of-touch lifestyle store Goop recently launched a collaboration with the fashion designer Stella McCartney — and oh my lord, the damn thing includes both a $700 pair of jeans and a $1,240 cotton onesie. To celebrate the line and also money in general, Gwynnie threw an “English garden party” in the American Hamptons. And she shot video of the event. Here are 9 things Gwyneth’s party has taught us about rich people.

1. They prefer their jazz played by white folks! You know, like how jazz is supposed to be played.

2. They love to dance up a storm, usually to the rhythms of how cute they look in their own heads.

3. They’re mostly Carries.

4. And those who aren’t Carrie are Marys*. *are on the board of a charity

5. They’re SUPER encouraging of their children. This little girl did not simply complete a cartwheel, she is the goddamn Ambassador of Cartwheels — but you’ve probably already read that in the daily newsletter.

6. They play sports in heels, because that is the proper way to be proper. (Also, they are terrible at sports.)

7. In fact, better adhere to the dress code entirely, motherfucker, or it’s solo croquet in the time-out mansion for you.

8. They give their children tiny portions of things because it’s cute and artisanal, and who cares if you go to bed hungry, Moses, you look very on-brand holding that mini cardamon-sage ice cream cone.