HOW BAD IS IT?: Texas Chainsaw (3D)

January 7th, 2013 Justin Proper

Movies are the number one source of entertainment according to a statistic I just made up. Everyone loves going to the movies. It’s a standard date night, and has helped millions of teens awkwardly hold hands in the dark. Movies are a great escape from reality, and help people relieve the stress of their lives. Unfortunately every once in a while a movie gets released that ruins the experience…

I love horror movies. There, I said it. You tell me there will be a maniac murdering people in a movie and I will buy a ticket. That wont ever change. That being said, I still think you can save yourself. Sure, Texas Chainsaw looks great from the trailers. Yeah, it has some sweet posters with dead skin masks. I get it. Really, I do. That is why I went and checked it out this weekend. Seriously though, do yourself a favor. Save your $10. Hell, just go light a ten dollar bill on fire, because that will be far more entertaining than seeing Texas Chainsaw.

This poster is 138% more awesome than the movie.

The Movie

Texas Chainsaw starts with the end of the original film. They actually shot and edited the first few scenes so that it fits seamlessly with the original, which was (hands down) the coolest part of the whole flick. The townsfolk of Newt, Texas decide to burn down the house of the Sawyer family (including Leatherface and his relatives). A baby is found and adopted by one of the people involved in the incident (making the child the only surviving member of the Sawyer family). Cut to present time where the baby (now named Heather Miller) is all grown up and just inherited a house in Newt left to her by her grandmother that she never knew.

Don’t worry, the actors were confused too.

So Heather sets out to claim her inheritance with her friends. They pick up a hitchhiker along the way (because it’s a horror movie, that’s why) and arrive at a very ominous mansion. Pretty soon the group starts to split up and one by one are picked off by Leatherface in the basement. Oh, there will be spoilers, but it does not matter because you should not see this movie. Heather makes it out of the house alive after a chase scene that ends at a carnival. She then learns about her family’s past at the police station and decides that the town is full of murderous liars after seeing the cover up of her family’s massacre. Eventually she reveals herself to Leatherface as his long lost cousin, they team up and kill the people involved in the burning down of the Sawyer house and decide to live in the mansion probably until the sequel.

…yay?

How Bad Is It?

I will start with the most obvious and glaring problem with this film’s plot: Heather is approximately 23. The original events happened in 1974, so Heather would now be somewhere around 38 years old. This is a huge problem that I tried desperately to get past, but could not. Did the makers of this movie think we would all just let that slide, or were they so sure that they would make money no matter how bad this movie was that they just did not care? Either way, it almost felt like an insult.

Not pictured: someone in their late 30′s.

Another major issue I had with the movie itself was Leatherface running through a carnival unnoticed. At one point in the film Heather runs through a town carnival to escape Leatherface. The first place she runs by is the haunted house, so when Leatherface chases her with a chainsaw it seems like part of the carnival. But very soon after she runs to a completely different part of the carnival and frantically climbs a ferris wheel while Leatherface waits below swinging his signature weapon around. No one even bats an eye. There is a chainsaw wielding giant wearing someone else’s face in a crowded public area and there is no screaming or running. The extras just go about their business as usual, ignoring the impending evisceration that is unfolding in front of them. No big deal.

Apparently just an average day in Texas.

The rest of the plot holes are too numerous to name here, but I assure you that is just the tip of the iceberg. In addition to a terrible plot, Texas Chainsaw was riddled with bad acting. The characters were more wooden than a statue of Kristen Stewart which resulted in me not caring a single bit about any of them. Speaking of all the characters, not once, not twice, but a bunch of times throughout Texas Chainsaw a new sub-plot is introduced (like Heather’s boyfriend cheating on her) and then completely abandoned moments later with no resolution (he gets killed and she never finds out). It is like the writers could not be bothered to come up with an ending to a situation so they just killed off whatever was needing to be resolved.

“Sorry, Tania, but we don’t know how to write an ending for your character.”

All in all Texas Chainsaw might be the worst movie in the franchise. It has an awful plot, terrible acting, and is just a mess. That is it. It is just a mess. In every aspect of the phrase. An attempt to give a better backstory and give some sympathy for the villains resulted in a terrible movie that is not worth anyones time.

So how bad was Texas Chainsaw? It was so bad I wish the original never existed, despite how much I love it, just so I would never have had to see this movie.