'I've discovered my wife uses a vibrator while I'm at work. I have no problem with this; I'd like to introduce it into our lovemaking. But I'd hate to spoil her guilty secret'

Sebastian Horsley

May it comfort you to know that exactly the same thing has happened to me. I was with a lady for five years once. I thought all was rather well in the bedroom until one morning she casually told me that she had faked orgasms to 'get the job'. She too had bought a vibrator. 'Darling, I do have orgasms. You've just never been there when it happens.'

I shouldn't have been surprised. Masturbation, to this day, is the only fact of life I have ever fully understood. It is not only an expression of self-love; it is also the natural place for all of us who have accepted the melancholic chasm between fantasy and reality.

There is only one thing for men to do in response to this confusing situation, which, of course, is anything women want. For a start, do not tell her you have found her tool. Snooping is an enemy of style. And if you do not wish to be lied to, do not ask questions. I'm sure you would rather be treated courteously than be told the truth.

Take her shopping. The boutiques are full of grotesque rubber instruments that look like leftover devices from the Spanish Inquisition, so I'm sure you will have plenty of choice. Wrap it up prettily and organise a beautiful evening for the two of you. Everyone, like a passenger on a luxury liner, should be allowed to work their way through the menu even if it makes them sick. But go gently into that dark night. After decadence, there can be no civilisation; after debauchery, no romance.

You see, what keeps your woman happy and satisfied is not endless gadgets but perpetual praise. Take your time with your girl and your gift. The best gift of all is the presence of you all wrapped up with her.

Marion McBride

First off, who says it's a guilty secret? Just because your wife didn't want you to know about her vibrator doesn't mean she feels guilty. The only person who should feel even a twinge of guilt is you - for snooping. You've obviously understood the pleasure principal here - it's the private you're having a little trouble with. Women hide things for a reason, even if the plastic in question is usually maxed out and accompanied by impractical footwear, rather than battery operated.

The reason she hasn't sat you down for a show-and-tell could be twofold. First, you're right, it could be a solitary pleasure - her one-woman equivalent of the spa treatment. The other reason could be exactly the same as yours: you might imagine that she's worried she'd be humiliated by your discovery, but perhaps she doesn't want to humiliate you by telling you that she's been taking supplements. Perhaps she's being sensitive, and afraid that it would threaten you to be compared with her Duracell-fuelled friend. Maybe she's worried that you'll think you're not satisfying her. I'll assume this isn't the case.

So why not forget your find and present her with a brand new toy. Take yourself off to an emporium from where these little buzzers can be purchased. I'd say go upmarket (Myla, Coco de Mer, etc) and buy something that you don't mind getting into bed with yourself, something that is, preferably, rechargeable and at the low decibel end of the range. They can be jackhammer noisy and as aesthetically unappealing as Beavis in a beanie hat. They also have an unfortunate tendency to be modelled upon some of the less attractive features of the real thing. Tell her you've always wanted to try one with her - and keep your hands off her private solitary pursuits.