Give me fabulous or give me death.

2016 Critics’ Choice Awards

There’s an awards show basically every weekend from now until the world’s whitest Oscars, so let’s get this shit done quick and dirty.

ALICIA VIKANDER gown by Mary Katrantzou

Photo: Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP

Very weird and very gorgeous. Anyone who can combine the two with this level of skill is someone I want on my team. (FYI, my team doesn’t play sports, we just kind of strut around, looking amazing. Kind of like Taylor Swift’s squad, except you don’t have to be a six-foot-tall, 90-pound white girl to party with me.)

First of all, if you haven’t watched all of Jessica Jones yet, stop everything you’re doing and binge that shit. What a truly phenomenal season of television. I’ve loved Krysten Ritter since her Gilmore Girls days, so I’m thrilled to see her finally getting her due. As far as her fashion is concerned, she’s clearly now got the name and fame to get some seriously beautiful shit, and I am all about it. The hair could use a slight taming, and the lipstick isn’t the right shade for the rest of the outfit, but GODDAMN this is a FUCKING DRESS, Y’ALL. (Not a dress made for fucking. Just … you know… a fucking DRESS.)

RACHEL MCADAMS gown by Elie Saab

Photo: Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP

So, all of us are just wearing shades of merlot now? I mean, I’m not complaining. That sounds awesome. Do you know how much red wine I’ll be able to spill on my dress without anyone noticing? SO MUCH.

HELEN MIRREN gown by Dolce & Gabbana

Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty

Still and forever the sexiest broad in the industry.

BRYCE DALLAS HOWARD gown by Balmain

Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty

I just want that hair color to be mine SO BADLY. Except not badly enough to pay for my colorist to touch up my dark roots every hour and a half. But other than that, SO BADLY.

KIRSTEN DUNST dress by Chanel, shoes by Roger Vivier

Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty

I will gladly admit that these shoes are very sad. And in a close-up, they are downright tragic. But everything from the ankles-up is MODERN ART DECO ELEGANZA REALNESS, so I’m willing to just pretend those shoes are not actually happening, and give this otherwise-awesome outfit two enthusiastic thumbs up. BUT SERIOUSLY, KIRSTEN, BURN THOSE FUCKING SHOES IN A FIRE.

SAOIRSE RONAN gown by Antonio Berardi, shoes by Brian Atwood

Photo: Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP

How many think-pieces exist about the correlation between the rise in popularity of female-driven superhero stories and the rise in women wearing capes on the red carpet? NOT ENOUGH, THAT’S HOW MANY.

MARISA TOMEI dress by Zuhair Murad

Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty

She looks like she’s playing dress-up in Kiernan Shipka’s wardrobe, but Marisa Tomei is essentially ageless, so it still works.

I can’t decide if I love or hate the fact that Zoe’s top and pants are just a shade apart. I think I’m willing to forgive literally anything Zoe Kravitz does, because when your dad is Lenny Kravitz and your mom is Lisa Bonet and your stepdad is Khal Drogo, everything you do is amazing by default.

EMMY ROSSUM dress by Christian Dior, purse by Lee Savage

Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty

Meh. A cute snooze, but a snooze all the same.

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITELEYgown by Saint Laurent

Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty

I know the asymmetrical thing is intentional, but it just looks like she’s growing a surprise third tit out of her armpit.

GINA RODRIGUEZgown by Safiyaa, shoes by Giuseppe Zanotti

Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty

Bad fit; significantly worse color. It’s a testament to Gina’s general aura of beauty and amazingness that she’s even slightly making this work.

AMY SCHUMER gown by Calvin Klein

Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty

This is pretty much the only thing she wears. I love the woman, but you can’t ask me to get passionate about her red carpet game.

She’s trying so hard to look like a Serious Actress, when she actually comes off more like a very angry, very shiny Rosie, the robot maid from the Jetsons.

LESLIE MANN dress by Monique Lhuillier

Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty

I don’t believe in arbitrary restrictions based on how much skin you can show at what age, like that women over 40 have to cover their arms or legs or earlobes or dumb shit like that. But I do believe in STYLISTIC restrictions based on age. Like, tiny children look insane in plunging V-neck ball gowns, and grown-ass women look equally insane in darling little poofy skirts. Maybe better styling would have lifted this look out of that childish place, but as it stands, this just makes me feel uncomfortable.

AMERICA FERRERAdress by Ingie Paris, shoes by Brian Atwood

Photo: Jason Merritt/Getty

Try harder, or fire your stylist, or both. You’re too famous and beautiful for this rookie shit, America.

JANUARY JONESdress by Altuzarra, shoes by Bionda Castana

Photo: Getty

Go fully sheer, or get an underlay that matches the length of your dress. This in-between shit is bonkers.

I think the worst thing about them is that they’re not even America’s tackiest couple. They look like THIS, and they STILL don’t hold a candle to the kind of tackiness you see at a Kardashian birthday or a Trump-Palin event. What a sad day for our nation.

HAYDEN PANETTIERE gown by Maria Lucia Hohan

Photo: Jordan Strauss

If you’re thinking, “wow, that seems like an excessive amount of breastiness unless you’re making a political statement about freeing the nipple,” then definitely do not google any side-view images of Hayden in this dress, where things get really dicey. As a haver of boobs, I’m pro-people having boobs and displaying them creatively, but unlike us mere mortals, famous people pay people to dress them. Someone is on Hayden’s payroll to make sure her titties don’t appear crooked in pictures. That person needs to be fired.