Neutral Over Valentine's Day

This is my first Valentine’s Day as a single person in over 25 years. Its a weird feeling…

Not that we made too much of this day in any event. Gerick sometimes got me some flowers or I made him a nice meal at home. I wanted a more romantic day, early on, but eventually gave up when it became clear that Gerick just didn’t give a damn– unless I was spoiling him of course. Funny thing, though– when you control all the money, its really hard to get nice gifts from your wife! He only ever got things if I was healthy enough to be employed, so I did nice things instead most of the time.

But the heart of the idea of a special romantic day sort of died over the years. I was game, he made a token gesture sometimes, but then we both shrugged. We tended to be more into things at Beltane (which is like the pagan version of St. V’s Day) or on birthdays.

All the same, there is an odd expectation in our society that I’ve been hearing single people bitch about for decades and never could ‘get it.’ Now I have a little more perspective on things. But only a little, because I don’t ever expect grand gestures from others over me. I was raised to think I was nothing special and a part of me believes that even now. I fight it, but that natural self-esteem thing is hard to get without parental encouragement, you know?

I look ahead and wonder if it’ll ever be a day that matters to me again. I rather doubt it at this point.

My roomies got some chocolates for the day, and I smiled– but they both know I don’t really like chocolate, so I knew they got it more for themselves and each other than for me. *shrug* Oh well! =^)

I did a series on Enneatypes on Facebook to send to friends that was a little more personal and took some real thought and effort, and I’m proud of that at least! I hope my LJ friends had a good day, but if not–? You are not alone. I feel blessed that I view this day with a mostly neutral emotional stance.