*deep breath* i have often heard that you know …

i have often heard that you know what people are really like by how they act when they are sick. i believe that tragedy also brings out qualities that, if not hidden, were at least dormant.

tragedy also forces people to deal with their problems, and determine what is really important.

i have been having problems with intimacy lately — simply not being comfortable in close situations. it took me a couple months and a lot of learning to be able to talk about that, but i finally have. in the face of recent events, suddenly this issue that i had put off talking about became important. it was the right time tonight.

details are not important here; but i communicated what i had been feeling, and how long; that i didn’t know the cause, or the cure, if any. the most important thing is i don’t want to make any sudden changes — or repeat past behaviors that have not worked.

my first reaction when i come to an uncomfortable spot in a relationship is to turn tail and run. as soon as i feel like something is ‘wrong’, i assume that it’s a problem in the relationship, and that if i were able to do something about it, it wouldn’t have happened in the first place. so i bolt — usually straight into another relationship just like it.

that is my ‘stinking thinking’.

i don’t have to do it that way anymore. it’s really hard not to — like trying to put the other foot in the pants leg first — but all i can do is try something different, no matter how awkward it feels. the something different that i’m trying this time is to stick around, and wait and see.

what i have to do is get quiet — repeatedly — and ask myself how i am today. i also give myself permission to do or not do as i am comfortable only. i’m looking at how i really feel — and why — and what my motives are.

‘i don’t know’ is a scary answer. but so far, it’s the only one i have.