onsdag den 30. december 2009

The perfect dress was godsend from heaven! Or at least godsend from the store.

I walked in feeling fat, exhausted and pimpled (is that a word?). I walk out, no, I skipped out, feeling fashionable and neat maybe even a little thin!

First of all the dress is a 4US (36eu) which I hadn’t imagining fitting in my wildest dreams, but it was the only one left on the rack so I took my chances. And it… Was… FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!!! It zipped up like; zzzzzzip. No struggle at all! I can’t describe in words how that made me feel. I actually wanted to cry a little. Heh.

Second of all; it’s navy blue, which makes it a little more interesting that a “little black dress” and navy goes so so good with gold! (Which is my favourite metal colour, and I bought the nicest gold clutch and necklace!!)

And thirdly it wasn’t that expensive. I had to though down 35 bucks for that dress, and it looks like a high-street designer gown.

The only sad thing about the outfit is: that it’s from H&M.Now, I’m not a label-sucker, but almost everybody I know shop in H&M and there’s a big possibility that someone at the party is wearing the same thing… And looking even better.

But screw that fact for now.I’ll put out some new year photos of me in the fab’dress tomorrow ;D

So x-mas is over. (Thank god). I got some nice gifts and I got to spend time with Thomas, so that was good.

Sigh. Next challange, New Years. I'm spendin my new years eve with my classmates and my boyfriend downtown in Copenhagen. I bought some really cool eye-lashes and some crazy glitter so I guess it can't go comeplitely wrong.

Mmmh I love new years. No because of the party, and certinly not because of the fireworks! But because of the "new". A fresh start, a do-over...

I think my new year's resolution will be to (for a change) something that hasn't got ANYTHING to do with weight... Maybe just food.... I don't know...

Do you guys know your new year's resolutions yet?

I have no idea what I shoud "wish" to change in the new year, 'cause on the one side I want to loose weight/be healthy/trendy but on the other I really should just focus on getting rid of my ED.

onsdag den 23. december 2009

There's no Christmas spirit in the house -AT ALL! Everybody is grumpy and stressed and could care less about this holiday.

… And I'm sitting here, alone, on Little Christmas eve.

Thomas is out spending the night with old friends and his parents -who ONLY speak Bavarian, so I only understand every second word they say- is watching TV in the living room. I feel alone.

Oh, and guess what, in this family they decided that on Christmas eve, they’d give the mom a night off!! THAT MAKES NO SENSE TO ME!!! So the boys and the dad, who doesn’t cook all year long, have to make a delicious dinner? No, no, no of course not. That would just be plain stupid, so instead they cook something they CAN. Steaks. With French fries.

AND THE PARENTS DOESN’T EVEN LIKE STEAKS!??!?! They are going to eat something completely different??? I thought Christmas was supposed to bring people closer, but in this family it seems to tear them apart.

Oh. My. God.

THEY are ruining Christmas!? No, demolishing!!!

So angry right now! Of course I could just have said “no thank you” to the trip… But I didn’t expect it to be so… Hard, to give up “my” Christmas.

torsdag den 17. december 2009

Jep you heard me, it’s almost Christmas, and I am so excited! Not because of the traditionally Christmas feast (obviously). Not because of the presents (okay maybe just a little bit because of the presents). But because it’s snowing and life is finally going to turn out great for me! –Or at least I believe that it will, right at this moment. I. Feel. Happy!!Oh that’s such a nice wonderful fantastic feeling! Christmas. New years. A new beginning. I feel like I can do anything today! I have a completely white canvas (metaphorically speaking), and I can paint my life as I want! I can make my life a master piece!

Heh, no, I didn’t up my dose of anti-depressions today. I have absolutely no idea why I feel so warm and fuzzy inside this particular Thursday.

Last night it snowed like crazy and when I woke up this morning the entire city was clocked in a fluffy sheet of snow. I love snow. It’s so unbelievably gorgeous, cozy and pure. I love to curl up under a blanket with a cup of tea and watch the feathery snowflakes drop outside my window. Mmmh.

tirsdag den 15. december 2009

My brain is porridge... Mealted, overcooked, slimey porridge... I am so tired. And whats strage, I haven't done "today's good deed". I haven't done ANYTHING really... Sigh, I hate those days. You wake up and before you know it the day is long gone and you haven't done shit.

Ate today: 3 pieces of toast with jam at breakefast, 2 grapefruits, and for dinner some chicken and salad. I feel like thats way, WAY, too much! I feel like a pig. A big fat jiggily pig who doesn't deserve to eat EVER AGAIN!

mandag den 14. december 2009

I went, I saw, and all in all it was… Actually not that bad. I’m still scared out of my wits about the group thing AND all the rules I have to follow next year.Yup, I am officially IN TREATMENT! Uuuh. I’m goanna start in group therapy on The Milestone (ED Center) the 4th of January 2010.

I am terrified! First of all no dieting. No pills without consent (including laxatives). A food journal EVERY day which the therapists are goanna read out loud to the group (OMG!). Weigh in every Monday and a weight-gain/loss at max. 5/2kg if you are “Normal weight”.And the list of rules just keeps going like that! What I’m to eat when and where! God… I knew this wasn’t going to be all “rainbows and lollypops” but it just sound so… I don’t know…Like I’m a child who can’t do anything right… Which I guess is true… At some level…

Thomas is leaving on another business trip for a week. Again in China. Just great. I fell okay at peace with it, but at the same time it’s really pissing me off that his company always sends him just because he aren’t married or has kids. Well, I hope he will be home in time for Christmas.

Other than that I have no real news. I’ve bought all the presents for Christmas and I’m not dreading the traditionally feast. I went to the climate-policy-change demonstration on Saturday and to an exhibit in Forum yesterday about better resource alternatives. That was really cool.Copenhagen is buzzing with people from all over the world and their ideas on how to change it.

Today is crap. It’s Monday. It’s cold and gray and I’m going out on the center for eating disorders once more.I know I’m goanna be weight in my underwear and I’m so so SO scared. Especially cause it’s cold and uncomfortable… And I haven’t stepped on a weight for TWO days. Sigh.

fredag den 11. december 2009

So it’s Friday once more! Thomas (ma’ boyfriend) is going to this company Christmas dinner and I… Well I’m possibly going to see my girls tonight. One of my very close friends are having a wine taste party (girls only), and it sound pretty fun. But I just got my aunty Rouge so I look like a supersized marshmallow.Ah, what big and complicated problems I have, hehe.I guess I’m going. I mean it’s just my girls and I can wear something baggy. Hmm… But what? Okay I’m not goanna bother you guys with my “I have a zillion outfits but nothing to wear” dilemma, so lets just skip ahead to what I’m goanna eat, ‘cause THAT’S really important ;)

Pros for today is that I’m home alone ALL day (and evening) so I can be as eating disordered as I please. I also haven’t got anything in the fridge aside from nailpolish and antioxidant filled red wine so wee!! No temptations.

Cons, I already had some cereal for breakfast AND I ate so much crap yesterday ‘cause of my period. But all that is affordable mistakes. I just need to keep away from the “I already spoiled the diet so I’m just goanna eat shit anyway” spiral, and I’ll be fine.

I’m goanna restrict my solid intake to 500 cals (which leaves me with 250 now) so I can drink and have a good time tonight. Sounds like a plan? Sure does.

onsdag den 9. december 2009

First of all my WORD is down, (and therefor also my spelling control) so sorry for the poor quality of my post...

I had a really nice weekend. Me and some friends went to this awsome party downtown and it was almost a perfect night. The thing that spoiled the evning was my drinking! I drank so much!! At the end I could hardly stand, and I made a big jiggely fool outta myself! Arg...

I got a massage (once agian) from The Milestone (ED center), and I am goanna start after Christmas... I know it's for my own good and yada yada yada, but I'm really scared. All those new people and rules. I don't know if I'm goanna make it. And I feel this insane pressure that every one in my family expect, no DEMAND me to be all whole and healed when I'm done with the treatment...

What if I can't get better? What if I'm doomed to be eating disordered for the rest of my life?? Whould everybody then just give up on me?

I dont know...

And do I really want to be all whole and healed? I mean... If I aren't Cille with the ED, then who the fuck am I? What if my ED definds who I am? How am I then goanna survive without it?

I'm not sure I know HOW to live without my ED...

All these different emotions are washing over me right now, and I feel like I'm goanna drown -you know?

fredag den 4. december 2009

Update from space! Sorry sorry for not being committed to blogging these past few weeks! My life has been CRAZY! Crazy I tell yer’! I’ve been spending every waken moment with my sweet but slightly paranoid boyfriend. It’s by the way so so nice to have him home. Just to fall asleep in his warm embrace is bliss, but enough about that. Everything else has been HELL! My temper. My body. My hair. My school. My home!! Everything is ether falling apart or falling out. I am officially down to my “goal” weight once more: 120lbs. But I don’t feel any bit of excitement. I feel the exact opposite. My body keeps on losing weight but it still doesn’t look like the way I want! (Classic ED problem –I know…) It’s so depressing!

At the moment I am eating “normal” – that means tree times a day and about 900calories, but I don’t feel applied too food at all? I hate that I need to eat to function. I want to feel horrible cause’ I “deserve” to be in pain –You know?

I have been in therapy for about six months and it’s really pissing me off that I’m not even close to being better. I’m still unbelievably self-destructive. I still have a serious eating disorder. I’m still depressed and slightly suicidal and therefore a loser. It’s just so frustrating!! Aren’t I supposed to be all “rainbows and lollypops” by now? I don’t understand why I can’t get the ED voices outta my head! They have changed, yes, but not to the better… Before it was kinda a scream in my ear, telling me what to do. But now it’s like an unnoticed whisper. I just “do” ED stuff without even giving it a second thought? Like a habit or a ritual.

The other day I was hanging out at my mom’s and we watched some random show on the tv. We were like 40min. in the show when she asked me to sit still. Until then I hadn’t even noticed that I was doing butt-clenches. Heh, it sound kinda comical, but at my worst phase in my ED I had this rule about never to sit still. Always always DO something! Every calorie counts!! It really surprised me how my subconscious just “remembered” that rule and started doing it without me being directly aware of it??

I don’t know what’s going on with my ED or my body at the moment. It’s like it is running wild!!

torsdag den 26. november 2009

First of all, I would like to apologize for my blogger neglect!! Sigh, I guess I have been so absent lately ‘cause my ED has fated a little in to the background. Or maybe I just accepted it fully? I don’t know my darlings...I don’t really have bulimic tendencies at the moment -I just don’t eat?

So Thomas came home. And as you know we had a bit of a rocky welcome. He said some things and I got hurt and the other way around, but now everything is close to fine. He doesn’t really trust me when I go out and he is so jealous! It’s getting on my last nerve!! Yes, I like to flirt but I know the limitations!? Well, he is properly goanna read this (even though I asked him to stay away from my blog! Well I kinda get it... he’s just curious –but still...) so I better watch my mouth... Anyway, we both have to work on our relationship. He has to trust me, and I just got to grow up! I have to take responsibility for my actions –which sucks- and do the laundry once in a while. Then I guess we’ll be fine. Of course I also have to work on my ED recovery and the depression AND the self injury thing! Heh, I guess I better get to work then?

I don’t really obsess over my diet and weight anymore. I still don’t like what I see in the mirror, but I don’t obsess over it like I did for like 6 months ago. I guess that’s a relief. My weight right now is 124.7 (125) so it’s not that bad. I would like to loose... Well... Honestly? It all! (I know it’s unrealistic) Sometimes I only put one foot on the scale and push it a little down just to see how it would feel to weigh a little less. Heh. Stupid? Maybe, but it gives me some kind of pleasure to see 100lbs on the scale...As you guys can hear, I still think ALOT about weight and how I look –so I’m not completely hole an’ healed but I’m getting there.

tirsdag den 17. november 2009

Well... He's home and I'm a mess.I followed Sarah's advice and just told him what the deal was... He just kissed me and asked why I wanted to destroy something so perfect?

Awww... Cute.We ended up talking all night and he was so supportive! Told me he was goanna be there for me no matter what and said I shouldn’t worry. He also told me to quit lying to him. I guess I understand that… The problem is just… How?

I have to deal with that later. Right now I am on my way to see my therapist. I don’t know what I’m goanna talk about. What I’m goanna tell her… I guess it will come to me.

About food, I haven’t eaten in two days ‘cause I was so nervous!! And I mean HAVE NOT eaten!! That never happens to me? Anyway, I am goanna eat a sandwich from this healthy-healthy store on my way home.Looking forward to it (they are so good! And there’s a calorie list for everything! ED Mecca-food-store!) –the only thing that sucks is the price… Sur-price.

søndag den 15. november 2009

I feel dirty. Thomas is coming home tomorrow…Thought I’d be happy right?I guess I am.

But right now all I feel is confused and scared.I have my scar on the upper tight from earlier and now I have a fresh cut on my ribcage from this weekend. I am so scared.How can I possibly explain all this?Hey honey, by the way, I am not only depressed and bulimic - but I cut too… Jesus.

I feel so so dirty. Wrong. Bad. Fat. I already took two showers today and I think about taking another later. I just want to be clean. Untouched and unspoiled. But I am broken, and don’t think I can ever be fixed.I hate myself so much it’s unbearable!! I am weak and pathetic! I wish I wasn’t this fucked up Thomas. I am so sorry you ever had to meet me. I’m sorry you fell in love with me. I’m sorry for being a two-faced psycho. I’m sorry I’m such a bad person.And most of all I’m sorry for hurting you, but I don’t know how to stop.

fredag den 13. november 2009

Brrr!! I’m hanging out in my apartment AND IT’S FUCKING FREEZING IN HERE!!!I am seriously without sensation in my fingertips at this point!My balcony door is broken, so the draft if a bitch! And the heat has been off while Thomas (my boyfriend/roommate) is in China, so I think it’s like 5 degrees in here.

I have been living with my mom the last three weeks and hanging out in my own apartment from time to time –mostly doing binges, but also to water the plants and collect some stuff I was missing at my moms. Yeah so last week I hung out here and I had the biggest grossest binge in pizza and some easy-stew-whatever… With the result; that I cried hysterically, drank vodka and threw glasses into the wall… Good job Cille… My stepdad came by to pick me up and I forgot about the mess I’d left.

So today – a week later – the apartment looked like SHIT! And smelled like it too… Gosh. So I just finished cleaning up the leftovers (which had been socked in the sink for NINE DAYS!). Oh. My. Freaking. God. That was so so gross!!! It smelled like… Rotten flesh and sour milk. EW!

But I survived and now the entire kitchen reeks of bleach and “lavender” instead. Not sure that’s better. Anywho, I have no plans for tonight so far. My friend invited me to some big fancy party gallerie opening, packed with cocktail-rich-bitch girls and “golden” boys. But I don’t feel like I’m in a very “fancy party” mood. I just have to wait it out and see.

I haven’t had anything to eat yet, and I am no where close to hungry after cleaning the kitchen! So that’s like a fast day to my diet – I guess?

torsdag den 12. november 2009

I am sorry for not uploating a diet plan for today. I am still down with a cold. I had a low fever today so I haven't been eating the entire day... I mean I ate a LOT of cold medicine and bonbons but there's like 5 calories in each.

It could be worse... But wish me well soon anyway! Tomorrow I'm just goanna eat soup. Perhaps about 6 bowls :)

tirsdag den 10. november 2009

Goodmorning lovelies! Thanks for all the helpul comments! I am taking the advices in and listening to your support!Boy am I lucky to have such a smart bunch of girls behind me! I can’t say it enough, I love you guys!(And a little side note to “pretty wreck” The Milestone is a Danish treatment centre for people with eating disorders. I haven’t started there yet, but I am in the program)

Well on to the diet!Yesterday the lemoncleanse went okay. I ate a cup of salad at lunch but that was it.So today I woke up at 12am, that means I’m eating breakfast for lunch today and that’s pretty annoying for you guys who wants to follow the diet. However I have come up with an alternative breakfast and lunch for you!

Morning:1 sliced apple and one small sliced banana1 cup of green tea (or black coffee)If you’re still hungry, add a grapefruit without sugar.If you don’t like breakfast at all then just eat the grapefruit, but eat SOMETHING to get that metabolism going.= 150cal with grapefruit 155cal – fat 0,7g

Snack:50g of almonds and raisins=135cal – (plant) fat 16g

Lunch:2 cups (I measure cups in what you can have in your hands when you make a cup)of green salad + cucumber + red pepper fruit + tomatos (+ onion)NO dressingIf it’s too boring for you just add 20/30g of shrimps= aprox 188cal with shrimps 210cal - No fat

søndag den 8. november 2009

I have been avoiding to post anything meaningful this weekend ‘cause it haven’t had that must meaning. I miss Thomsen like hell! I miss having someone to spoon doing the night and someone to kiss in the morning. We always kiss each other good morning, goodnight and good day, sigh, every single day. It doesn’t matter if we had a fight, or something like that, the tradition between us has never been broken for over two years. It sounds kind of needy and obsessive but I really enjoy having it ‘cause it gives me a feel of safety. Like I’m not that ugly, fat or smelly even though we just woke up together and I forgot to brush my teeth last nigh.

Well enough about le’ boyfriend, I’m sure you guys don’t care about him ;)So on to the vital matter of this post!! Da da da daaaah!! You properly figured it out, it’s diet time!! I have come to my senses and I am going on a diet! I have up to tree months to pull my shit together and loose all the weight I can until I have to go into therapy on the Milestone. Because on the Milestone diets are band!! NOOOO!! How will I ever survive..? Ah! Everything in good time! So from tomorrow and the next couple of months I will be on a diet!

I need a diet I can live with… And I need Thomas and my mom to stay in the dark… So, ABC is out of the question! Same with the lemonade… Raw foods is also a no-no… Hmm… How about I just make my own? I mean, I know A LOT about food and nutrition and I can just take bits and pieces from magazines and the internet? Right?

So… First of all I will consume (bear with me) minimum 200 calories and maximum 1000 calories per day AND I will post my daily food-plan on this blog. In case any of you wants to join... And to control myself.I will eat every 3. hour to keep my metabolism going.I will minimum drink 1L of water per day –and yes I know it’s nothing, but I am aiming low to begin with.I will go to the gym ATLEAST 1 time per week!!I will make 50 sit-ups every morning and every evening – yeah yeah it’s like a drop in the ocean but still something!!I will make a weigh in every Friday….. I don’t know about that..? Would you like that?

And last but not least – I will start off my diet tomorrow with a lemon-water-fast-day (only one day 'cause otherwise I break and that's not a pretty sight) –no excise (makes me really dizzy).

Note:

What "The Zero Effect" is, and what it isn't

Welcome to my blog. I decided to call my blog "The zero effect" because I wanted (and still do) to be a part of this particular phenomenon.

(Size zero is a women's clothing size believed to be equivalent to a UK size 4 or a European size 32.)I have always been fascinated by slender girls, mostly because my mom was a model when she was my age. My story with Eating Disorders goes way back... I was 12 when I first discorvered BED (Binge Eating Disorder). Later on my ED developed to "anorexia" tendencies -because I was overweight and the social problems that follows with overweight. It wasn't until I turned 15 bulimia took over my life. I have been in denial in alooong time, but now I 'm seeking treatment and trying to enjoy life.

This blog is not a PRO-ANA/MIA encourager in any way! I do not support that girls should destroy their lives and bodies in a calorie-hell (like me); however you will find thinspos and diets on this site -since that is my everyday...

All feedback is welcomed, and I have no intentions of deleting any of the things I post or any of the comments you guys post.

So, I hope you will enjoy the blog, and give me some constructive feedback.Thank you