The Title I Want To Write is a Spoiler

Season 2, Episode 13 – and our last ‘catch-up’ recap before the show starts back up for some breakneck weeks this Thursday!

Previously on the Vampire Diaries…a man with a twang says Vampires and Werewolves used to roam freely until a shaman put a curse on them, Mason and Tyler look like they’re in pain (or consternation) and Damon self-mutilates his hand in the sunlight. Where’s his ring? Anyway, Elijah (who we met last time) begets mentions of Klaus, so Elena’s all “the biggest baddest vampire in the history of time is coming after me?” Correct. Elijah offers Elena a deal – if she stays put (what, as BAIT?) he’ll make sure her friends don’t get killed. Stefan tried to find Isobel (Elena’s mom, right?) but that didn’t exactly work, instead he found her Uncle John, whom I believe we know is her father.

In other news, Damon bullies Caroline to not be Tyler’s friend, Caroline sticks to the letter of the law by making out with him, someone named ‘Jules’ comes to visit Tyler to tell him his Uncle Mason is dead, courtesy of Caroline, but really, as we see, it was Damon who had a vendetta. Mason looks really craggly as he dies.

The previouslies are really exhausting. Now, the episode!

Caroline leaves her house and is mock-surprised to see Tyler waiting all ominously behind her. She wants to not overanalyze, but they probably shouldn’t kiss again because Matt’s still in the picture for her. She sighs with happiness at having dealt with something so efficiently before school, and Tyler elaborates. He’s dead. He wants Caroline to tell him why. She stammers so he explains that Stefan and Damon killed him, because they’re vampires. When she admits she knew that – and knew Mason was dead – he roid-rage shoves her against her car. She’s sorry. He leaves.

Titles!

And we’re in Damon’s shower. Even though I think he’s too muscly for little girls, I get it. He listens to the radio(?) and hears about the three people who were found dead at the high school last night. Plus a missing set of campers and a 25 year old girl. Police are investigating, Damon looks fussed, and we cut to Uncle John pouring himself coffee. As the mayor says they will have a memorial today – bingo! Elena sauces in, all ponytail, and demands to know why John is here. He basically says he can’t trust her to know why he’s there, and Jenna rushes in with her boyfriend (Ala)ric in tow. I love this house of questionable examples for teens.

Jenna’s alarmed to see John, Rick gets all fussy and nervous and books, and when Aunt Jenna says she won’t have John staying there, that she’s a guardian of the kids and won’t have it, he’s all “About that, I’m Elena’s father”. Jenna is, to say the least, shocked. So, someone help me out – does that mean Jenna’s brother got cuckolded or her sister? (I know her mother isn’t her mother either but I want to know what it is in Jenna’s mind.)

So Damon now enquires, not unreasonably, how bringing John back counts as a plan. Stefan shrugs, all “Isobel, John, whichever”. Damon points out that John tried to kill him, but Stefan’s all “We have no choice and Elena trusts Elijah, so – who’s smart in this scenario? “ He points out Bonnie’s new-witch friend is working with Elijah which means the moonstone was never destroyed, there’s some stuff about a sacrifice, and WHAT is going on with Ian Somerhalder’s eye-bulge here? It’s terrifying. Anyway, they have to keep Elena safe and John knows how. Somehow.

Damon berates Stefan, Stefan apologizes for Rose, which I guess means she’s dead, and Stefan’s all “you loved her for five minutes” and Damon doesn’t disagree. But then Stefan’s distracted by a text from Caroline that reads only “911 now”.

Tyler, sauntering down the stairs at his house in the sunshine. Not a care in the world. Then that woman walks in, Jules? His face falls. Meanwhile Stefan enters at Caroline’s – she spazzes that Tyler knows, that she didn’t tell him, that he knew Damon killed Mason. Quit with the rhyming names, ya’ll! She seems shocked that he is upset. She’s worried Damon might kill him, and Stefan thinks that’s a worthy thought. Anyway, she puts it all on Stefan that he has to fix it. She’s all “we’re…friends”… in a way that a six-year-old could tell they’re more than friends.

Anyway, Jules is busy telling Tyler vampires are never going to let him live and that he has to run away with her, and getting a bit Mary Kay Letourneau about the whole thing. He says his life is there and she’s all “your OLD life”. He needs to know what it is to be a boy-toy. Er, or a lycanthrope.

Damon storms into Elena’s. Her high-swingin’ ponytail belies how annoyed she is that John told Jenna about being her dad. Damon expresses adorable concern for her, and she swings her coffee cup around, like, you’re going to spill that stuff, Elena. Damon jokes that he’s going to kill him, but then explains that means he’s going to have a civil conversation with him. Elena tags along.

Tyler, leaning over a computer. Then Stefan appears. They face off, and Stefan says he won’t hurt him – but then, when his mom calls, Stefan chokes him to keep him from yelling. Kind of completely contrary to your no-hurting point there, Stef.

Woods. Trailer. A girl knocks, looking for “Brady”. Oh, it’s Jules. Brady appears behind her, all buzzcut and they kiss. Hot. He wants to make sure the vamps killed Mason, and then she says he can kill them, but she ‘wants the boy’. I told you she was a predator. More making out.

Stefan and Tyler again. Basically they lunge at each other.

Memorial. A cello. John talks to the mayor about rejoining the ‘council’ but she says Damon’s in charge, talk to him. So there. John talks to Jeremy, who, hi Jere! They bluster about whether or not Jeremy should give up his vampire-protection ring, and he turns down John’s invitation to lunch. This is the coldest I’ve ever seen Mystic Falls be.

Jeremy smiles at the sight of Bonnie but she’s soon joined by Dr. Martin, who I met in my first time out on this show! She says she has nothing to say, and that his son betrayed her, that they’re both working for Elijah which ain’t her bag. He says they’re looking out for Bonnie, though, and Elijah is a man of his word, that he’ll keep Elena and her friends protected. Poor, magically-impotent Jeremy walks up, takes Bonnie away, and is utterly nonthreatening.

Jenna is fussed. Her “sister’s husband’s brother” is Elena’s father, and her mother is Alaric’s deceased wife. Oh, word? That’s interesting. (Shoutout to Alicia Keys!) Alaric sort of shrugs, all embarrassed. Jenna wonders how they kept it a secret and the look on Rick’s face says there’s so much else she doesn’t know. John wants to join them at the table, but before they can really insult him, Elena and Damon come in.

Damon wants to be aggressive, Elena says they just need answers. Well, honey, do you also need to put your hand all over his stomach to prevent him from getting violent? I’m just saying. She’s so clearly obsessed with him.

Damon strides over, all “John, buddy!!!!”

Meanwhile, Stefan and Tyler are still talking. Stefan tells him to ‘don’t be a dick’ to Caroline. He further believes they can be friends, and that the old Vampire/Werewolf fight is unnecessary. But then Tyler totally gets a phone call from Jules, and Stefan’s TRYING TO SAVE HIS LIFE! Meanwhile, Jules, in her forest lovenest, is all “We have a problem”

Damon and John. Have I mentioned they’re in the pool hall/romance joint? Anyway, John says he can’t be trusted because he could be compelled by an Original, but Damon counters, not when they have Vervaine (my kingdom for a confirmed spelling) in their systems. There’s a lot of playing with matches going on here. John is shocked they’re drinking vervaine. Anyway, romantic whispering about how Damon will kill him if he doesn’t talk about Klaus. More trust issues. Uncle John’s hair got a lot more current.

Nighttime. Caroline, striding to her car in the dark. Matt runs up to Caroline and points out that she’s avoiding him. She more or less admits it, and they agree to talk later. Sounds like DOOM to me! Caroline freezes when she gets to her car, because Jules appears behind her. She says she hasn’t seen Tyler, but Jules knows she’s lying. Snap, they both know what the other is. Caroline vamps out, but Jules does what, pepper spray? Something. Caroline turns around, all injured and annoyed – and then when she turns back, revamped and renewed, it’s Brady, who promptly shoots her in the forehead. So there’s that.

OK, coming to. Caro’s in an elevator or a cell, complete with a bullethole to the head. She writhes in pain, digs the damn thing out of her skull, and then, because she’s hardcore, starts to figure out a way to get out of there. But suddenly Brady’s sitting there in front of her, all creepy-like. Okay, apparently it was a wooden bullet. He says he has lots of them, and SHOOTS HER AGAIN, in the boob this time. IT’s going to be a long night.

Tyler and Stefan are still boring me, because one wants to be friends, the other doesn’t buy it, the usual, but then Stefan’s phone rings. Caroline. It’s Jules, all “Do you want to keep her alive? Where’s Tyler?” Apparently Stefan knows who she is. He wants to know where she is and is rewarded by – you guessed it – a wooden bullet and a scream from Caroline. 20 minutes ‘til she dies! Stefan, concerned.

Jenna is apparently not so depressed about what’s going on with her family that she can’t introduce a friend of hers to Damon. He knows her, somehow, she’s “Andi Starr”. Gross name. She tries to buy him a drink, but alluring Elena beckons with her chest – I’m sorry, but that’s what it looks like – and he heads over to her. When she points out that he blew off the girl, he’s all “I’m blowing off all girls”. She gets that look on her face all ‘Because of little old me?”

I’m giving Elena a pass because she’s young but this “I can’t believe the effect I have on boys” is a bit much, you know? Anyway, they’re interrupted because Stefan calls, and then she informs Damon (in the bathroom) and he’s all “The number of people you guys want to keep me from killing is too damn many! Let me at them!” Elena tells Damon not to kill Tyler and, irritatingly, she asks him all whispery like. Then he calls her on it, “don’t touch me like that to get me to do things”. John bursts in, Damon runs off, and Elena is kept alone by herself.

Brady, shooting Caroline with something that makes her singe. What would that be, holy water? Anyway, she screeches, again. Brady-sadist leans in, Caroline kicks the crap out of her cage, and he blows a silver dart into her. This is pretty cruel.

Outside. Jules wants Brady to take it easy, it’s their duty to help Tyler. Brady says it’s their duty to knock off Caroline.

The restaurant of all things. Elena tries to storm past John, he says Elijah won’t keep his promise to Elena, and that she needs to trust him, because they’re “family”. The music playing is also the song at the end of ‘Morning Glory’ but I feel less fuzzy, as Elena tells John she’s never going to be his daughter.

Woods. Jules waits outside the trailer. She knows ‘you’re’ out there. Then Stefan and Tyler appear. Stefan proposes a straight trade, Caro for Ty – who, incidentally, says nothing. But then Damon appears, Let’s do it Stefan’s way first, and then my way, which involves more blood.” Anyway, Jules wolf-whistles (sorry) at which point werewolves come pouring out of the woods. She demands Tyler again, and Damon tells him to go.

Then they ask who killed Mason, Damon cops to it, and before they can ‘make him suffer’, Damon charges Jules, people burst into flames, Damon rips out someone’s heart and Tyler runs in for Caroline – but then he hesitates.

Stefan stops a wooden arrow with his bare hands, because awesome. He throws it into the back of a wolf’s neck as Tyler works to free Caroline –but Stefan gets a stake in the back of his own.

Fight/escaping/fight. Stefan gets a bullet to the head. Hope it’s wooden. Jules grabs Caroline with a gun against the trailer – but then they start to scream as something gets in their heads – Brady and Jules curl up and scream – Tyler is unaffected – as Dr. Martin walks in, all preacher-style hands apart, and explains that Elijah made a promise to Elena, which is what he’s upholding, and tells the Stefans and Damons to skedaddle. They book – minus Tyler. Dr. Martin tells him to tell all the other werewolves to get the hell out of town when they wake up. OK…?

Nighttime. Stefan walks Caroline home. She’s completely without scars. Swears she’s fine but Stefan says she doesn’t have to pretend. Soft, understanding-boy music. He leans against the porch-door a little too lovingly, but they say goodnight.

Salvatores. Damon lets John in who says he knows they’ll protect Elena. So he’s brought gifts. It’s “how you kill an original”. Ash from an oak tree, a dagger that must be dipped in said ash. John knows all this from Isobel (Elena’s mom). Who’s apparently off making sure Klaus never comes to Mystic Falls. They both want to keep Elena safe.

Caroline, pulling pointy things out of her skin. Then Matt calls, and asks if ‘something happened’. Oh, the pain of not being able to tell! She lies that something came up with Bonnie, and she’s with her right now – and of course Matt turns to where Bonnie and Jere are approximating a regular teenage date, and knows she’s lying. Poor guy. He’s injured – but you know, differently, so is she.

More doorbell. Tyler. Is she ok? He swears he didn’t know that they’d come for her, and she’s all “but I got tortured”. He says he doesn’t know who to trust, and she says she can’t forgive him for doing nothing when she was about to be killed. That they’re not friends, that it will never happen again. She slams the door. Do I have to remind you how awesome she is?

Elena gets punished for browsing in the fridge by John scaring the hell out of her when she closes the door. Anyway, he doesn’t want to fight, and gives her a bracelet from her mother. Like, her not-bio-mom, her one who loved her. He remembers said mother wearing it when she was young. It’s still kind of creepy. He says Miranda and Grayson were her parents, biology aside. She has no reason to trust him. But he lost his brother when she lost her parents, and that’s why he got all screwed up. But he’s going to protect her and the family. As Elena said, “get in line”. But she’s all overwhelm-y, and so is the music. Stefan appears seconds later, and she runs around a whole lot of furniture to hug him. She confesses she doesn’t believe John, and then gets around to asking whether Caroline is alive. He says he could use her help.

Trailer. Brady and Jules recover. Tyler arrives, and they offer him a drink. Which, upon consuming, he gets a little melancholy – is it always like this? They try to reassure him that it’s not always like this, and I’m just waiting for the poison or whatever to kick in, and they wonder why Uncle Mason was even in Mystic Falls, and Tyler mentions the moonstone all casual, and suddenly Brady is on the hunt for said moonstone…

Stefan, at Caroline’s. You know, if I didn’t know better I’d say he was starting to care for her – so instead, he brought Elena over. Slumber party. Oh, Bonnie’s there too. Caroline cries, because who wouldn’t, in this scenario? Elena mouths that she loves Stefan, while the others can’t see. He mouths it back, and fine, I’m not made of stone.

WHICH, SPEAKING OF WHICH, HOLY GOD, you guys! Damon and the aforementioned Andi Starr in a bubblebath together. Whoa. Kissing with no regard for soap-in-the-mouth! He calls her a distraction in so many words, reaches for his glass of wine and teases the older viewers with a potential ass-glimpse, and then complains that he can’t have Elena, pouts about it, he doesn’t trust himself around her, he says he’s “bad” and “I do things” and “I kill people”. Then he tells her not to be afraid, compels her in fact. She’s a little disquieted, but this is all just so he can say that he has to be good because Elena wants him to be, but that’s not who he is. He’s so worked up about it, and she kisses him, and he EATS HER IN THE BATH. Blood running into the bubbles, and that is not a euphemism. Holy shiz, some little girls are going to have really messed up fantasies for awhile!

Oh, and then – tomb. Katherine, in what amounts to Flintstone-style nightgowns. John walks in, saying he knows Katherine was waiting for Isobel. She got Katherine’s message. He says he knows – and he’s working on getting her out. JUICY!

Guys, the new ep airs this Thursday. Recap on Monday. CANNOT WAIT. Below, some silly faces made by Somerhalder…and of course, the bathtub.