W Goes to Europe

Recently, George W returned from his first trip to Europe. Not as President…EVER! You’d think that by the time he reached 55, he would have tagged along just once on his dad’s 850 trips abroad, if for no other reason than to hit the famous “Malt Liquors of Bavaria” tour. But no.

W’s lack of sophistication did prove to be a problem on occasion. He mispronounced the Spanish Prime Minister’s name, and momentarily forgot what country Belgium was part of. However, he got in even more trouble when he referred to Spanish women as “Spaniels” and women of Crete as “Critters.” Calling the Danes “Pasty-Faced Douchebags” also didn’t help.

W also got in a bit of trouble after his meeting with Putin (who W initially referred to as “Pukin” until Colin Powell reached under the table and applied that gentle pressure to W’s testicles that tells W it’s time to just sit quietly for a while). W came out of the meeting saying that he trusted Vladamir “The-Butcher-of-Chechnya” Putin because (I’m not making this up) he “looked into his eyes and saw his soul.” The last time I heard of someone doing that it was when I myself did it with Debra McCormick in 11th grade. I remember the conversation well:

ME
Trish

Her
It’s Debra.

ME
Debra, I have looked into your eyes and I
have seen your soul. And what I see is the
radiance of a thousand Goddesses, flush with
the love of all heaven, and deeper than a million
limpid pools of sapphire.

Her
I’m still not taking off my top.

ME
Well then…gotta go.

Bush further alienated the Europeans with his positions on global warming (“We can’t move forward until the science is definite”), missile defense (“We can’t wait for the science to be definite to move forward”) and the death penalty (“Screw the Icelandic Ballet, where do we go to see someone fried ’round here”). Basically he was a bull in the diplomatic china shop. It led me to wonder what W would have been like at other historical events:

*~~*CREATION*~~*

Adam
Hey Eve, you have a great set of…

Eve
…Adam, I brought you an apple.

Adam
An apple?

Eve
Yes. From the tree of knowledge.

W
Did someone say “tree”??

Eve
Who are you?

W
I’m a compassionate conservative. Listen here.
Why have a tree of knowledge, when you can
have an “oil rig of knowledge?”

Adam
Oil rig?

W
That’s right. In fact, we could have hundreds
of oil rigs of knowledge. And we could rename
this place the “Chevron Garden of Eden.”

*~~*CRUCIFIXION*~~*

Jesus
Forgive them father, for they know not what they
are doing. Into thy hands I commend…

W
Hey there!

Jesus
Huh?

W
No need to shake hands.

Jesus
What are you doing here?

W
Hell, I ain’t missed an execution since
Socrates. Say, what does “H” stand for?

Jesus
H?

W
You know, your middle initial.

*~~*APPOMATIX*~~*

Robert E Lee
And so General Grant, with safe passage for
my troops my only request, I hereby lay down
my sword.

Ulysses Grant
I assure safe passage and demand only cessation
of resistance in the South. I commend you on your…

W
Hey! Aren’t you fellers forgetting one thing?

Robert E Lee
What’s that?

W
A big-assed tax cut!

Ulysses Grant
Who the hell are you?

W
I’m a uniter, not a divider. But most of all,
I’m a reformer with results. Say Uliptus, are
you chewing tobacco?

Alas, there is no way to actually go back in time and put W there. For better or worse, he is a leader for our time. But fantasizing like this can be fun. Tomorrow, I imagine what it would be like if Celine Dion were sent back into a nest of saber-toothed tigers.