Friday, May 29, 2009

Changed

Memories seem so dim, to far from the present... and as the future proceeds, as is seems to overtake us, the past is ever mixed with the present, leaving behind who we were and being replaced by who we are now and who we will eventually become.

However, the past does not leave us completely, it never goes away but stays ever with us, it is ever-present in our decision and in our person, in our character and in our ethics and moralities, our choices and beliefs. Because of this the past is with us in our every present and our past is therefore linked with us into our future, once something happens, once we are changed, once we leave this second and go into the next we are forever changed and forever changing.

This past year has affected me, effected me greatly, not just because I moved out on my own completely but because I came the closest I have ever come to having a relationship, and that potential for whatever reason fueled something, it triggered something within me I have kept dormant. What is that? Well, the desire to find someone, someday and wife and then a family. Yes, yes, certainly us single people, especially guys are supposed to keep silent about such things. Why? Well, because if it is God's will for us to be married it will all happen in due time and if not, then we are supposed to be content in our singleness...

That kind of thinking is just a sham, would we tell a married couple to stop desiring to have a child. No, we would pray with them that God would fulfill and provide for such a desire, that they would be made ready for that time. In effect, we would be with them in their struggle. What no one really thinks about is that there are more singles out there than ever before... and what no one thinks or discusses is that many of them are left alone. Sure they have friends and family but our society teaches us that we are supposed to be independent, move out on our own. So we move from our families to college or away for a job but even that is temporary. Where do we go after that? If we are single do we go home? Do we stay with other friends or do we stay by ourselves because things seem to be always changing in our twenties?

To be smart most of us choose to live alone, maybe some with others, but it is only time before a job happens or a friend gets married. It seems inevitable that the single person’s best choice is to live alone if not married. It is not because we do not wish to be tied down but because if we go back to live with family, except under extreme circumstances, it means we failed somehow and if we live with friends, it may be only a short while before us or them move on for some reason, having to reorganize, re-shift and move again. Without family there is no home, no settling, no constant in our lives. This has annoyed me but has been something I have come to accept as the role I fit in, the role I play, the game of chess in which I find myself when I wasn’t initially aware I was playing.

I don’t know what I am trying to say... Sometimes it seems like we have control over our lives while other times it seems like we are products of our environment in many ways. Sometimes I try not to concern myself with the rules placed on me, try to play outside the game board only to be put in my place once again. I want to dream. I want to dream big. I was to trust God can do extreme and amazing things in this plain world, that there is supernatural in this natural world. I want to believe that these current burdens will one day be lifted, that confusion will give way to clarity, despair and uncertainly replaced by love and possibilities.

Most of all I want to be changed by Christ, to be transformed and hope I can help others to do the same. I want to believe in the impossible, that Christ can change me, change you, change us; that he can and does still heal, that he does inject pure joy into our lives if we let him, that he hears our prayers and miracles still are produced in our present and not just in our past through stories in scripture. I want to believe and others to believe with me, to pray and have others pray with me, to change and have others changed.