As everyone expected since three seconds after it happened, Kai the Homeless Hitchhiking Hatchet Hero (yes, I know that he prefers to be known as “home-free,” not “homeless,” but it’s a little late for that) has spawned his very own autotune (well, multiple autotunes, this one courtesy of the Gregory Bros). It’s not really surprising that it lends itself well to autotune, since Kai prefaced his interview with a fourth-wall-breaking inspirational message that wouldn’t have been out of place as the spoken-word bridge of any up-with-people pop song. And of course, the interview had a natural chorus, and I think we all already knew what it was. SMASH SMASH SUH-MAAAASH.

I love Kai, but I am a little concerned that all this is going to ruin his life. Above almost all else, the life of a chilled-out drifter relies on anonymity. So as much as I want to know more about him, his message is more powerful if “Kai” remains but a last-nameless, exact-ageless idea, roaming from town to town inspiring the populace with his beautiful words and bashing sex offenders’ heads in with camping tools. It’s important we savor this moment, while his only outstanding warrant is for keeping it real. Be excellent to each other, bros.

Updates below.

Here’s Kai playing the Ukulele:

The heart of Ghandi, the courage of a lion, and the voice of an angel.

Incidentally, here’s the update on the original incident. Incredibly, the guy Kai bashed, Jett Simmons McBride, 54, of Tacoma, survived the attack and is being held on $1 million bail for attempted murder:

Police records show McBride measuring 6 foot 4 inches and weighing a whopping 290 pounds, but with the help of his hatchet, Kai was able to knock the much larger man out.

McBride was booked on suspicion of attempted murder and his bond set at $1 million. The injured worker, who has a broken leg, will spend several days in a hospital but will recover, as will the woman.

And here’s a follow-up interview, with original interviewer Jessob Reisbeck, via KMPH:

I guess I am a glass half-empty kinda guy, but if he thrice bashed a 54yo dude’s cranium with a hatchet, with no real results, it puts a dent on our tactical defenses against the upcoming zombie apocalypse.