ok, i've tried twice already to answer, the last time i was putting my last period in place and the stupid PC rebooted.....so - one more time...

Life - you are too young to be thinking about "meeting the same fortune" as me. Breathe. Slow down. I understand the feeling, but you (hopefully) still have some health to get you outside for walks, maybe bike rides? anything to stimulate other areas of your brain while working your muscles.And BREATHE

Gary - "epic meltdown" ... i like that phrase .. it belongs in a poem ... or song .. or something ... mind if I run off with it? No? Kewl - thanks for sharing it! Seriously tho - you're right - the fact I'm still in here trying to dig out means ... something. My brain appreciates it I guess - but my heart ... it's just not in it anymore.

Moose (Pete) - my good friend. We have walked a few miles through these forums side by side - passed each other sometimes or been on parallel routes. Your consistent, steadfast friendship is a mighty help and reminder that I can always go at least another day. Thank you for being who you are!

Sam - backwards is the new forwards? I missed that announcement Seriously - the analogy was on spot and well timed. As always, you come through with some truth that deserves being examined.Thanks!!

Pero - thank you. My mind understands what you are saying, but my heart thinks that if this is my best i'm in serious trouble. And right now, I'm being led a lot by the heart. Tho I do appreciate your sharing!!

Scott - I know I've responded once - but you reminded me of something big. I did say no more after Kirkridge, then 4 years later - I was back. But I still didn't make it thru the last exercises I do have intentions of going again in two years and making it through ALL the weekend. And that is a goal - something to hold onto. Thank you for helping me think about what I [i]have[i] gained from the WoRs.

Well Mark I like your responses to all of us Now question to your heart, what have you done these last years that was good about your recovery?Give us something, anything ?You know when I've read Victims no longer I was very surprised when I've read somewhere how many survivors are perfectionist at one side and at other have negative self image buried deep down. Well your reply to all of us as well as your kind of "dissatisfaction" that flips from time to time somehow reminds me on all of that.Please forgive me but I'm trying to keep open discussion on all this matter, there are a lot of others who are feel the same, it is just difference in number of back steps I should add

Wow you did some successful and good things for yourself and your healing man Are you saying that you are back to your T that you fired before last WoR how come ?Yes you answered me more than enough. Well my remark about dissatisfaction - you see some association to that came to me when I've read some your post/poem where you haven't been lets say so positive, but I can't recall exact occasion. Maybe I chose poorly that word, sorry. How are you doing these days ?

I thought most of my posts (especially poems) are not so positive... maybe it's just my view point..Regarding the T - no, not the one I fired right before the last WoR - the one I dropped last October. He and I had a pretty bad disagreement, loud, ... anyhoo - at the WoR they were going over mindfulness with us, having us breathe, relax, think of a safe place - and BLAM! His office came to my mind. There we were, in my mind's vision, in his office like we had been before I erupted. So - figured my subconscious still considers him a safe place - so I'm back with him and we're building back the relationship and heading forward.

I tell everyone I'm doing fine because I basically am. I'm not hurting myself, they don't have to worry about hiding my own medications from me, and no one's threatening to put me in 72 hour hold. This is a big improvement in a little over a week. (I'm telling you - I crashed and burned when I came home from the WoR and had no support). I now have my T back - and I've started back with the men's CSA support group I used to attend on Tuesdays.

I suppose I answered more than enough this time too... it's a habit I'm falling into - my T says it may have to do with the fact that I'm writing in my blog more and releasing more stuff in my poems. Sounds reasonable to me.

I
agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and
chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole
discretion of MaleSurvivor. I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor
resources are AT-WILL,
and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for
any reason by MaleSurvivor.