Bad Days

I don't know why I'm on here again. Last time Iposted I thought things would get better with a job interview coming up. Well, I didn't mess that interview up. They wanted to hire me on the spot. I just can't make my mind up to take it or not. But that whole situation has just caused stress and made my blood pressure sky rocket through the roof when I think about it. Taking it leads to a life being alone and pretty much poor, but being away from my family might be the best thing right now. But that's not the main part of my problem really.

No, my problem is everything else. Today I decided to clean out my old campus e-mail address, and found a bunch of e-mails I saved from when my ex left me. Brought up a whole bunch of bad memories that were stirred up by February. Just made me feel worse when I was already down. I feel like I can't do anything anymore, that my life has come to a cross road with two choices. Choice A leads to Maryland with a job that pays so low it is almost worthless. Choice B is more of the same here at home while trying to find the next job opportunity. Choice B hasn't worked since August. Maybe I should just go into the other room, grab one of the shotguns and end this.

Why not? I wouldn't have to wake up to my parent's arguing on the weekends anymore. My brother would have to fix his own computer problems instead of leaving it for me to do it. I wouldn't be haunted by a woman I should be over. That I was done with until last month when everything got churned back up by the dates on the calendar and my brother's stupid comments. And then if I hadn't cleaned out that e-mail and found those old e-mails. Enough time has passed that if I did kill myself, she wouldn't be blamed for it either. Everyone in the family would blame it on me being depressed because I can't get a job. As if the last 9 and a half years meant nothing. It wouldn't be over her though, it can't be over her.

I need to go now. This is only making me feel worse, making me think about every part of my life that has fallen apart.