Shanahan is in the eye of the storm, too

Despite an entertaining first week of action on the ice, it seems like all anyone wants to talk about these days is Brendan Shanahan. After an initial honeymoon period that faded quickly, the NHL’s senior vice-president of player safety and hockey operations has come under heavy fire over his recent rulings on player discipline.

Don Cherry has been the highest profile critic of Shanahan’s harsher approach to suspensions, but he is certainly not alone. Media reports have indicated that at least some general managers are uncomfortable with Shanahan’s rulings, and plenty of fans have voiced their concerns as well.

You might assume that his discipline decisions are the only area where Shanahan is feeling the heat. But you would be wrong. According to my top secret sources, there is a long list of issues and grievances with Shanahan that date back to the early days of his career.

Here is a sample of some of the hockey world’s other complaints about Brendan Shanahan.

• In a cruel practical joke, he spent his entire rookie year with the New Jersey Devils whispering moronic coaching strategies into the ear of sleeping roommate John MacLean.

• Completely screwed up his shootout attempt at the Nagano Olympics when he failed to be Wayne Gretzky.

• Has been an NHL vice president for almost two years now and has spent lots of time with Gary Bettman, yet has apparently still not taken him aside and convinced him to stop doing that “get overly defensive and make the whole press conference uncomfortable” thing.

• Whenever I get a penalty I don’t agree with and then do the secret signal where I tug on my ear three times in the penalty box, the referee still has a job the next day. (Submitted by Gregory Campbell.)

• People are always going on and on about him having the second-most career goals by a left winger, as if somebody’s politics should be part of the story.

• He was supposed to be this noble tough guy who would always stick up for a teammate, but when Claude Lemieux drilled Kris Draper into the boards from behind all he did was make excuses about how he “wasn’t on the ice” and “didn’t see the hit” and “was actually playing for the Hartford Whalers that year.”

• He signed a very fair and reasonable contract with the New York Rangers as an unrestricted free agent in 2006, so is obviously the world’s worst negotiator.

• Whenever you walk up to him and say “Hey, nice belt, but I would have thought you’d be more into suspenders!” and then punch him playfully on the shoulder and laugh hysterically, he just stares at you like you’re some kind of idiot.

• Oh sure, those videos he makes to explain his suspension decisions are nice, but how about dialing back the enthusiasm a little there, Mr. Electricity! (Submitted by Joe Buck.)

• He was traded straight-up for both a young Chris Pronger and a young Scott Stevens at various points in his career, so who’s really causing the head injuries around here, Brendan?

• Unlike the easy-going Colin Campbell, he is always hassling the IT guys with boring questions about whether there’s a way to delete his old emails.

• Look, we all know “curse” is a strong word, so let’s just say that every single team that ever traded him away mid-season ceased to exist within a year.

• He was drafted by the Devils and went on to play for the Rangers, and if there’s one thing we know about guys like that it’s that they end up being overpaid bums that ruin your salary cap for years, according to Habs fans.

• He was the second overall pick in the 1987 entry draft, so I’m not sure what you’re talking about because I don’t even remember him. (Submitted by Alexandre Daigle.)

• He was being completely reasonable and even-handed when he was suspending all those guys from other teams, but then somehow became a complete idiot when he suspended a player from the team you like.