You see, lately I've been wearing green-eyed glasses. Looking at other people's pastures, and convincing myself that they are indeed greener.

Now, I am not caught up in wanting a bigger house, or a new car, or any of a number of material things. "Keeping up with the Joneses" is not my particular temptation. (Who are those silly Jones people anyway??)

No, my Pity Party isn't about worldly things.

It's worse than that.

It's about spiritual things.

You see, what I really want is a *bigger* ministry. OK, that's the really, really "naked" part – the ugly part I'm so ashamed of – the part that I feel I must be honest about, even if it hurts.

Do you ever feel this way – (another one of those moments when it would be really good to know that I'm not alone…)

I am feeling restless, and impatient. I desire so deeply to make an impact for the Lord. I want to have a *voice* for Him. I want to use any gifts that He's given me. And yet, I feel like I'm sitting on the sidelines, warming the bench – while everyone else is being called into the game.

(Oh, this is ugly…)

On the one hand, I am overjoyed that people are speaking for the Lord. That their words are getting out to people. That God's Kingdom is being advanced with the gifts and talents of others.

I really, really am happy about this.

But…

And that is the rub. The selfish "but" that I have.The "hitch" that I have in my heart.The ugly little voice that says deep in my soul, "Lord, what about me?"

(Oh, I am so ashamed…)

I know that in some ways this is a good desire. The Lord calls us to serve Him, and a desire to serve Him isn't bad in itself – not at all. However, when God's timing doesn't match ours, and when His timing seems to be happening for others – that's when the insidious arrows of the enemy start flying…

And I have all too often allowed myself to be a target.

Lord, forgive me.

Again, the same voice that I have heard over and over – and the same words that I can't escape…

"Sharon, is it really just Me?"

I blogged about this before. How we really need to love God, and God alone, even more than what we can do FOR Him. It has to be about Him…alone.

And my whining and complaining stopped. My "woe is me" quickly turned into just WHOA.

He didn't say anything until I sat down quietly. I put my head in my hands, and I cried. I let out everything to Him.

"Lord, I really love You. I really do. Most of all. But I just want to feel like it matters that I'm here. I just want to know that I have an influence on others. I want to share You with them, and I want to be noticed for it. Oh Lord, forgive me – it all sounds so selfish."

I couldn't look at Him – until He took His hand and raised my chin so He could look deeply into my eyes.

Wonder of wonders, His eyes had tears, too.

"Lord, why are You crying?"

He smiled.

"Oh dear one, I am crying because You don’t understand something so very important."

I thought – it has to be that I'm a selfish, jealous, proud person. He must be so disappointed with me.

"I know, Lord. I'm so sorry."

"No, Sharon. I'm not talking about that. Those feelings are not right, but they're human. I forgive you for those. But I am talking about this – you don't understand how very, very much I LOVE YOU. How I delight in you. How it just pleases Me so to know that you are alive, and that someday you will be with Me in eternity…

…I am sad that your perspective is so small."

Tears are pouring down my face now.

"How I wish you understood this truth – that it isn't what you can DO for Me that matters to Me, for it is up to Me what and when and where you serve Me. What touches Me is that you WANT to serve Me. I am overjoyed at your love. It's what I died for. It is YOU – just YOU – that matters to Me.

It's all about your heart, and about conforming to the image of My Son. It isn't the action of doing that I want, it's the being of sanctification that I'm seeking."

Dear God – my dear, dear God.

"Love Me, Sharon – and that's more than enough. Because I love you – and that's more than enough."

15 comments:

Oh Sharon trust me you ARE NOT alone in that particular party. Just a few years ago I went through an INTENSE season just like what you're describing - wondering how I'd been left behind when God was opening up so many incredible doors of ministry for others.

What God eventually showed me (and it took a LONG time - He's sooo patient) was that my perspective was off. I kept saying I wanted to serve Him, to reach others - but I'd put limits on what would qualify, what would count. Then one day He got me alone and asked me "What if the ministry I called you to is entirely behind the curtain? What if what I WANT is for you to be the one who supports, prays for, and helps others even though no one else will ever know? Is that GOOD ENOUGH for you?"

That really hit me hard because I realized I was frustrated because I wanted what I thought would matter most to God. But He kept telling me "you're exactly where I want you. Don't try to push your way somewhere else. Just stay where I want you - THAT'S your call"

It was a hard lesson for me to learn. I wanted to make a visible impact - one that I could measure. But God eventually got it through my super-thick skull that the only thing that mattered was my obedience to HIS will. That was the only measure that would count in the end. And it's funny, because as soon as I was able to settle that in my spirit those doors that I'd been so jealous of began to open in my own life and ministry too.

So I know that's not EXACTLY what you're saying - but I hope it's an encouragement to you (sorry this is so long). You are certainly not alone =)~ Paula

ah my sweet friend... this is very familiar territory! The problem is that we get this image in our mind of what we should LOOK LIKE as a woman in ministry, and we want that to be realized. I am finding out that He uses us wherever He has put us, and if the picture doesn't match... it's usually because it was MY picture. :)

These are words of wisdom, and I take them to heart also. So... off with the pity and on with His party! :)

Sharon - now I need the tissues. Yes. You've caught me in one! We seem to be on the same path and I so needed your Words in Red today! My summer has been one great tension feast of wound up inner parts, random bursting into tears, and pity parties.

God is trying to get me to leave go the reins. Trust. Well, new avenues of Trust. And, Faith. Just when I think I've grown - nasty spiders startle me and my porridge and I cower - unable to move - unfit to serve.

Yet, you're right. He doesn't worry about the spiders. He takes them out in one fell swoop. I just have to learn to stay on that tuffet and enjoy the porridge - He made it for me to enjoy, you know. Shrieking at spiders and spilling it all over in my frantic retreat . . .That doesn't say "I love you, Lord."

Lord, help us to enjoy the Love Feast with You - and whatever the spiders are in our lives - ambition, failure, rejection, inadequacies, disappointment, and whatnot - may we hold fast to the tuffet upon which you placed us and allow you to be about the business of pest control.

"Lord, I really love You. I really do. Most of all. But I just want to feel like it matters that I'm here. I just want to know that I have an influence on others. I want to share You with them, and I want to be noticed for it. Oh Lord, forgive me – it all sounds so selfish."

I love this Sharon... I always love listening to your heart talk to Him, and the dialog He has with you. So this is what your "pity party" looks like?

For me, this seems like a heart wrenching tune-up of being humbled but the worse part being shamed when you are just (quite frankly) being honest. And your honesty in this case is tinted with that green monster. So you open the door to the enemy filling your heads with lies, when you are serving and doing a precious work for Him. But perhaps it isn't what you have in mind, perhaps you're looking for something grandeur, when God has you in a place of great service.Perhaps (sorry I have to write this) you are seeking applause or recognition... or (gasp) much worse notoriety but maybe it's just thanks!

The comments above are wonderful!

But the ones that you hear coming from Our Lord are even more wonderful if you WAIT and LISTEN!He does hear you and I saw Him SMILE and you missed Him when He told you this: "Thank you. Thank you for being a friend to... Thank you for being faithful in the small ways. Thank you for caring enough for the ones that others do not show their care or love any longer, the forgotten. Thank you for spending time with me, talking with me about your situation, and praying for those that still need to know me.Not only do I LOVE you as much as you love them but I love them also. Your compassion for others is genuine and your love for me and desire to serve are just tidbits of change in perspective.You are getting closer... its all in the horizon as you WAIT. Wait on me and learn from the path before you and even the one you've traveled behind you... for I am in control. There are no limits to my love for you and your service for me. In my Name, I do not hold back the gates of heaven, they are wide open... as you give of yourself, it is given to you. Open your eyes and see my love flowing all around you."

Wow Sharon! It is amazing how the expression of your feelings always touches my heart. You are not alone in your "green eyes" regarding serving Him and making a difference. I absolutely know what you are talking about. I've been there...might say I sometimes still am! But you are so right...our purpose is to: "LOVE the Lord with all my heart, my soul, my mind, and my strength". That above all else is the most important thing...and by doing that, we ARE serving Him. He has already allowed you to reach more people than you know, simply by sharing your love for Him. And, I know He is pleased.

God is good. And so are you! Your heartfelt comments on this particular post were much appreciated. I'm not proud of the feelings that I expressed here (at least at the beginning) - and yet, I am encouraged that many of you understand.

The Lord is patient to work with us, isn't He? We have so much to learn, and so much to give up. He toils so faithfully and lovingly on our misguided human hearts.

How I love Him, and oh how He loves us back!

I pray that God will reach into all of our hearts, and purify us with His refining fire. He has given us gifts, and the desire to use them - now may He sanctify our motives. He is working in us to give us the power to WANT to serve Him, and the strength to DO it in His way and in His timing.

We just need to love Him - just love Him. First, foremost, and forever.

You are only voiceing how so many feel. But by going thru it yourself and sharing how you feel and the understanding that now has come from it will only strengthen you and your love of God. I hope you have a blessed week. Hugs Carrie

"So [I] have been greatly encouraged in the midst of [my] troubles and suffering, dear brothers and sisters, because you have remained strong in your faith. It gives [me] new life to know that you are standing firm in the Lord. How [I] thank God for you!" (1 Thessalonians 3:7-9)

Thanks for your comments - it is such a joy to be sharing my journey with friends like YOU!

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About Me

I'm a middle-aged, married, Christian woman. I have one wonderful husband, two great adult sons, two awesome daughters-in-law, two precious granddaughters, and an adorable granddog (a beloved beagle!) I consider myself a COLEN ("Change-Of-Life Empty-Nester"). This is a time of transition in my life. Things are changing, and so am I. However, I desire nothing more than to serve my Savior. Please join me on my journey as I walk out my faith in the second half of life!

MY PRAYER

FAITHFUL ONE

"I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name."

Revelation 3:8, NIV

WHY I WRITE

"I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say.

I write to discover what I know."

- Flannery O'Connor

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"You will bring them in and plant them on your own mountain - the place, O LORD, reserved for your own dwelling, the sanctuary, O Lord, that your hands have established. The LORD will reign forever and ever!"

(Exodus 15:17-18)

"Come, let us go up to the mountain of the LORD...There he will teach us his ways, and we will walk in his paths."

MY WORD FOR 2016

Word origin: 1550's, "pleasing to the mind," also "full of gratitude," from obsolete adj. grate "agreeable, thankful," from Latin gratus "pleasing" – derived from the same word origin as the word "grace."

The trick to changing your behavior is to become more thankful.

The practice of gratitude involves a focus on the present moment, on appreciating your life as it is today and what has made it so.

Let us begin an eternal quest to express in new and creative ways our thanks to God.

So I'm breathing in Your grace,

And I'm breathing out Your praise.

Let our prayers be the overflow of a grateful heart to God.

Three steps in prayer:

PRAISE – praise, reverence, worship, adoration, and awe for who God is and what He does

ASK – honest, earnest, and intense requests

THANK YOU – always end with thanksgiving for everything

Pulpit commentary:

In everything give thanks.

In every circumstance – in joy and in sorrow; for everything – for prosperity and for adversity; in every place – in the house of God and on the bed of sickness.

Christians should not only be engaged in constant prayer, but in constant thanksgiving.

For this – this thankful spirit – is the will of God, His desire.

God by the gift of his Son has laid us under the obligation of perpetual thanksgiving. Our whole lives ought to be one continued thank-offering for all the blessings of redemption.

Gill's Exposition:

Thanks are to be given to him for all things…

For all temporal good things;

for our beings, the preservation of them;

for food and raiment, and all the mercies of life;

for the means of grace, the word and ordinances, and the ministers of the Gospel;

and especially for Jesus Christ, for such a…Saviour, and advocate with the Father, as he is; and for life, peace, joy, comfort, righteousness, and salvation in him.

Thanks should be given to God in every circumstance of life; in adversity, as Job did; when not in so comfortable and agreeable a frame of soul as to be wished for…even under the temptations of Satan…since the grace of God is sufficient to bear up under them, and deliver out of them.

[Give thanks] in afflictions of every kind, since they are all for good – temporal, or spiritual, or eternal.

The enemy specializes in making me feel discontent, unsatisfied, miserable, grumpy, self-focused, negative, and fearful.He brings nothing but suffering and pain – but You, O God, specialize in making megrateful...

TEACH ME YOUR WAY, LORD.

MY VERSE FOR 2016

"Rejoice always and delight in your faith; be unceasing and persistent in prayer; in every situation [no matter what the circumstances] be thankful and continually give thanks to God; for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus."

(1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, AMP)

A PRAYER OF GRATEFULNESS

Dear Lord, I want to change my outlook. I want to transform my spirit. I do not want to go through another day without remembering all that You have given me, and thanking You for it. Please give me the power to be thankful in all things, and for all things, for You are with me in all of it. Let me never forget that You work all things together for good, and for that I am eternally grateful.

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"THE HUB"

MARTY

"All creatures great and small, The Lord God made them all!"

"You care for people and animals alike, O LORD."

(Psalm 36:6)

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened."

- Anatole France

JESUS CHRIST IS THE SAME...

...yesterday, today, and forever!

A WORD FROM THE WORD

"'I am the LORD; there is no other God. I have equipped you for battle...so all the world from east to west will know there is no other God. I am the LORD, and there is no other.'"

(Isaiah 45:5-6, NLT)

A "MESSAGE" FROM GOD

"'I am honored all over the world. And there are people who know how to worship me all over the world, who honor me...They're saying it everywhere: 'God is greater, this GOD-of-the-Angel-Armies.'"

(Malachi 1:11)

(All verses taken from "The Message" by Eugene H. Peterson)

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

How do you cope with distress in your life?

Grateful Word:DISTRESS

"I tell you...if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out."

(Luke 19:40, NIV)

ON PRAYER

Sometimes I get all messed up when I think about prayer. Sometimes I think I look at it backwards – thinking it's all about me communicating with God. It is that, for sure. But it's also a time for God to communicate with me. It doesn't have to be big and lofty, nor long and pious. It's just two people who dearly love each other seeking conversation and communion.

FAITH

Seeing great miracles does not necessarily lead to great faith. Rather, great faith comes from a deep-seated conviction that God is great.

GRATITUDE

"Piglet noticed that even though he had a Very Small Heart, it could hold a rather large amount of Gratitude."

- A. A. Milne

EL ROI

The God Who Sees Me

"Is it your wisdom that makes the hawk soar and spread its wings?"

(Job 39:26)

"I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?"

(C. S. Lewis, "Till We Have Faces")

PURPLE MOUNTAIN MAJESTY

"From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the LORD is to be praised."

ASLAN LIVES!

IN HIS EYES

MY OTHER BLOG

(For the complete story about "Bible Pick 'Ems," see my blog entry dated June 29, 2010)

(P.S. Please find references on the "BIBLE PICK 'EMS" Page on this blog!)

NOTE:

(Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture references are from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, c. 2007 by Tyndale House Foundation)

PEACE LIKE A RIVER

WHAT IS LOVE?

Love is when you are missing some of your teeth but you're not afraid to smile because you know your friends will still love you even though some of you is missing.

By Emma K. - Age 6

"Out of the mouth of babes..."

A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

Anonymous

When you are uncertain, it helps to have someone remind you what is true – someone who knows you well, who sees you, and keeps track of you – not just your body but your soul.

Emily Freeman

HE IS MY ROCK

"The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; my God, my strength, in whom I will trust..." (Psalm 18:2)

HOLD FAST

"Anyone who listens to my teaching and follows it is wise, like a person who builds a house on solid rock. Though the rain comes in torrents and the floodwaters rise and the winds beat against that house, it won't collapse because it is built on solid bedrock." (Matthew 7:24-25)

WHEN I AM WEAK, HE IS STRONG

PROMISE FOR THE DAY

TRUST IN ME

YOU ARE NEVER ALONE

I AM THE WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIFE

GOD PROTECTS THE CHILDLIKE...

"For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children."(Matthew 19:14)

MEET THE BIBLE

A ONE-YEAR BIBLE READING PLAN

Reading this year from: "The Amplified Bible" by Zondervan and The Lockman Foundation, c. 1987 (revision)

"Such things were written in the Scriptures long ago to teach us. And the Scriptures give us hope and encouragement as we wait patiently for God's promises to be fulfilled." (Romans 15:4, NLT)

"All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work." (2 Timothy 3:16-17, NLT)

"The grass withers and the flowers fade, but the word of our God stands forever." (Isaiah 40:8, NLT)

HOW GREAT THOU ART

"The heavens proclaim the glory of God. The skies display his craftsmanship." (Psalm 19:1)

"He counts the stars and calls them all by name. How great is our Lord!...His understanding is beyond comprehension!"

(Psalm 147:4,5)

"Praise the LORD from the heavens! Praise him from the skies!...Praise him, sun and moon! Praise him all you twinkling stars!" (Psalm 148:1,3)

"For your unfailing love is higher than the heavens. Your faithfulness reaches to the clouds. Be exalted, O God, above the highest heavens. May your glory shine over all the earth."

(Psalm 108:4,5)

"Your righteousness, O God, reaches to the highest heavens. You have done such wonderful things. Who can compare with you, O God?" (Psalm 71:19)

"I alone am God, the First and the Last. It was my hand that laid the foundations of the earth, my right hand that spread out the heavens above. When I call out the stars, they all appear in order." (Isaiah 48:12)

"God made the earth by his power, and he preserves it by his wisdom. With his own understanding he stretched out the heavens. When he speaks in the thunder, the heavens roar with rain. He causes the clouds to rise over the earth. He sends the lightning with the rain and releases the wind from his storehouses." (Jeremiah 10:12-13)

ALL FOR HIS GLORY

I'm not trying to win the approval of people, but of God.

If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ's servant.

But even before I was born, God chose me and called me by His marvelous grace.

I will commit myself to instruction and listen carefully

to words of knowledge.

I will leave it all in the Lord's hand.

I will trust Him.

For there truly is a reward for those who live for God.

ALL GLORY TO GOD FOREVER AND EVER!! AMEN!

I'D RATHER HAVE JESUS

I’d rather have Jesus than men’s applause,

I’d rather be faithful to His dear cause -

I’d rather have Jesus than worldwide fame,

I’d rather be true to His holy name -

I’d rather have Jesus and let Him lead,

I’d rather have Jesus than anything

This world affords today.

"So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless."

(1 Corinthians 15:58)

THE GLORIFIED ONE

SERVING THE MOST HIGH

Corrie ten Boom once said she was simply, "the skin on the hands of God."

"Love your neighbor as yourself." (Matthew 22:39)

"And the King will say, 'I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!'" (Matthew 25:40)

"'And if you give even a cup of cold water to one of the least of my followers, you will surely be rewarded.'"

(Matthew 10:42)

"...my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned to me by the Lord Jesus - the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God."