That is what I told my fiancé when he said that I was perfect. We’re so far from perfect. I have flaws. He has flaws. We have some areas for growth. But in life we’re always growing. Hopefully you are consistently moving forward. Nevertheless, there are times when you have to stop, regroup, and rethink on life and love. Thus, did you know there are only excuses for why you can’t find love? Of course there is the soul searching that you still need to do before you can fall in love. And there is the career that needs to be started first. You need to finish school, buy a home, take that trip, or wait for what God has planned for you, and whatever else you can think of. And these are wonderful and important effects that matter but what they sound like to me is excuses.

I’ve come a long way to be where I am today. I am in love with a wonderful man who is not perfect. He’s in love with me too and lord knows I’m not perfect. We simply welcome all the positive things we want. What reasons do you or anyone have for not finding love? I can think of many but the truth is there is only one reason and we’ll get to that reason shortly!

Some people are happily single. Others are miserably single. Some people are undecided. Some people have their minds made up and have given up on finding love. For those people who are single by choice and not because they couldn’t find someone… who does that and why? No one really wants to be single. Do they?

One person, we’ll call Toni with an “I” because she is a woman, said she didn’t have time for a relationship. That it just slowed her down. A man’s needs got in the way of what she was doing in her life and so she didn’t need or want a relationship. While this idea may be true for many people, I can’t help but believe it is just another excuse. In other words, it’s just a resistance to love. Resistance is all the negative thoughts we have about what it is really we want. If we want happiness, we resist by saying happiness doesn’t last forever. If it is a relationship we want, we resist by telling ourselves that the relationship won’t work for a thousand and one reasons. If it is love that we want, we say we are waiting for the right person to come along, or we’re waiting for Mr. Perfect for me, or that we are waiting for that magical connection.

Sadly, that’s all a bunch of crap. You don’t know why you’re still single! You’ve done all the right things. You’ve gone to all the right places, read all the right books. You’ve even got that career down pat. You’ve got that body in shape. You own a beautiful home and have a wonderful family although uncle Freddie is a little strange and is a long held family secret but every family has one or more of those and the person you love will find out about him eventually so no need to hide that. Even as a plus size woman, you’ve kept your confidence up and look fabulous on a daily basis but where is Mr. Right?

You’ve read all the latest articles on how to discover the secrets to finding the right person, the right relationship, and how to attract them. You’ve read about the do’s and don’ts in keeping the right person interested in you all the way to the alter, how to cheat proof your relationship or marriage, and how to land Mr. or Mrs. Right. The list goes on and on about how to avoid all the mistakes woman make with men or that men make with women. Those dreadful lists!

Is it just me or have you noticed that there are always seven secrets, seven laws, seven truths, or seven rules for getting what you want. But the truth is there is only one thing that stands in the way of what you want. There is only one reason why you haven’t found love. There is only one law, one truth, and one resistance. Sounds simple? So why haven’t so many people discovered this one fact that can make a difference in their lives? Why have you not discovered this one fact that can bring you lasting love? The answer is, because you say so! Now, before we talk about why you can find love, let us first delve deeper into the reasons why you can’t and why you haven’t found it so far. Here are some scenarios to make it clearer.

(Scene): A birthday party for the family Matriarch. Ladies at the dining room table over dinner and drinks discuss why they’re still single. Men in the basement over a pool table and drinks discuss women and why they won’t marry certain ones. Here are several stories, several scenarios but one resolution.

We’ve seen scenarios in romantic movies where the conclusions are usually the same. The characters on the screen live happily ever after but what about you? Their story doesn’t always answer your questions about why you can’t find love. Why nothing in your story ever changes. You just walk out of the theater or turn off the TV set and wipe away your tears. Well, this time, the story is for you and about you.

Joy enjoyed her meal while at the same time, observed her family as they chitchatted away. She felt her Cousin Anna’s pain as she talked about why she wished she had never gotten married. Anna seemed to be in love with Dwight when they first started dating. Throughout their courtship, engagement and marriage, they shared a love/hate relationship. Anna loved Dwight before they got married but afterwards she seemed to hate everything about him. She complained about everything he did. The truth was Anna still loved Dwight very much, she was just afraid that someday he might leave her. Her fear was disguised as hate.

Joy believed cousin Duchess wanted a man but stayed too busy to make time for a relationship. Duchess was the single independent type who believed a relationship slowed her down. She believed a man and his needs was an infringement on her freedom. She wasn’t about to be a slave to any one man. She had several and let each one know that she was dating openly. Joy was certain that Duchess masquerades her fear of loving a man as independence. Basically, she felt she didn’t need a man. Joy knew how untrue that was.

Indigo was the artsy type. Joy understood her better than most however Joy also believed that Indigo masked her fear of love and relationships by putting all of her pain into a song. That was therapeutic, Joy thought, but all of Indigo’s songs were about the love from a man which Joy knew was safe for Indigo. This way she could deal with her real emotions without actually experiencing them. Love hurts.

Theresa the career student buried herself in her school work. As long as she was fully indulged in a term paper or studying for a test, she didn’t need to worry about appearing weak. The studious types are always regarded as strong and full of promise. Joy saw straight through it though. She knew Theresa masked her fear of failure, success, and love, with intellect.

Justice was raising four boys alone. She appeared to be the doting responsible mother but joy knew better. She knew Justice since she was an infant and her personality was very outgoing. She was a great mom but Justice is lonely and feels like her life is passing her by. If the right man would come along, pick up the pieces, and make her life easier she could find the time to put some excitement back into it. Justice‘s fears were that if she didn’t appear like a smart responsible person, especially with four kids, she might never find a mate who will love her unconditionally.

With Grandmother Violet, Aunt Tina, mother Sicily, and Great grandmother and matriarch Jenny sitting in the winged back chairs, Joy imagined where all this fear of love amongst her family members originated. She observed strength and weakness; loyalty and betrayal; love and hate and how it wreaked havoc on her family’s ability to love. Three generations, three forms of expression, and three type of resistance. Mother Sicily keeps her feelings bottled up. Her husband left her for another woman. Now her daily mantra is, ‘What’s love got to do with it?’ Aunt Tina expresses her feelings openly but abrasively and so people mostly avoid her more than are compassionate towards her. Weakness is often masked by brashness. Grandmother Viola offers her wisdom but avoids discussing the subject of love. She just says make the best of your situation. She was raised during the civil rights era and so loving who she was became difficult when the people around her showed her that her darker skin color meant she was less beautiful than the light complexioned folks in her circle. Great grandmother’s generation didn’t express their feelings at all.

So you see Joy comes from a long line of resistance when it comes to love. She experienced resistance from her family chain on many levels. What we live we learn. However, Joy wanted something different for herself. She wanted more out of life. She had gone on a quest to find what her family was missing. She did her research, read books and articles on healthy relationships, family and love. She attended seminars and gained a huge fund of knowledge for herself and her family, but the information she offered the people she loved was met with resistance. Joy became frustrated. She started to give up but she wasn’t the type to quit. She was the stubborn determined type and so she stayed her course with her pursuit of love and happiness.

Finally, after all her research, soul-searching, and reflecting, Joy came to one final conclusion. She discovered that you can’t find love by searching for it. You can’t go out and buy it off a shelf. You can’t find it in a rainbow or on a cloud and bring it home. You can’t fall into love nor stumble upon it. There is no serendipity...only epiphany. Joy discovered that you can only BECOME love. She learned that once you become love, all fear, apprehension, and resistance fades away. Soon she met her husband and though they are consistently growing, they are definitely growing in love.

Resistance is just fear. The negative thoughts that you have about love is why you haven’t found it. When you become love, you find all that you’ve been searching for.

While Joy enjoyed the family get together, she did not allow herself to fall into the mindset that filled the dining room. She smiled happily as her cohorts, aunts, and elders complained unhappily about their lives. She knew the truth- that you get to choose how you live your life. She was happily in love with her husband, herself, and her life.