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Should Anyone Ever Break Up Through a Text?

Fifty ways to leave your lover You just slip out the back, Jack Make a new plan, Stan You don't need to be coy, Roy Just get yourself free Hop on the bus, Gus You don't need to discuss much Just drop off the key, Lee And get yourself free — Paul Simon

Breaking up was very expensive for Louis J. Billittier Jr. Apparently he and his fiancee Christa M. Clark had an argument (in person) about their prenuptial agreement which caused him to sour on the upcoming marriage. But when he texted Clark to break up, their relationship became national news.

A New York Supreme Court judge determined that when Louis texted his fiancee that their relationship was over and told her over a subsequent text that she could see his $53,000 engagement ring as a parting gift—he called it a "parting ring"—it was indeed legally considered a gift which he could not recoup even thought he later changed his mind about allowing her to keep it. The texts Billittier sent were the key evidence in the case.

The story blew up in the blogosphere, not so much because of the ruling on the ring, but because of the manner in which Billittier broke off the engagement. Writing on CafeMom, Michele Zipp channeled millions of outraged observers by noting, "I'm stuck on the fact how anybody could break up with someone over text, particularly your fiancee who you apparently loved so dearly, you were going to marry."

But it actually could have been much worse: Singer Olivia Newton John's longtime lover faked his death in a boating accident to get out of their relationship. Actor Jake Gyllenhaal pulled a no-show at singer Taylor Swift's 25th birthday party to signal his breakup with her, inspiring an album of songs of heartbreak. And many other men who have found themselves similarly over-committed to someone they no longer even like have simply stopped calling and/or made themselves scarce.

These mirage men have created an image of Prince Charming and know that their months or even years of deception are going to come crashing down on them as hard as Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme. The easiest way out seems to be to avoid an ugly scene, so that is what they do, in the fashion Paul Simon glamorized in his famous song.

Ending an engagement by text is tacky, but we must give Billittier some credit, if we believe that some type—any type—of closure if preferable to not calling and/or disappearing until it is painfully obvious the relationship is over. Billittier at least did that. But many women fail to understand why anyone would so fear a face-to-face encounter to end a romance.

The reason for that is that men and women are very different.

For many men the physical presence of a woman can be intoxicating. Her sparkling eyes, her smile, the curve in her calf—women can have a powerful pull on men. One reason some men avoid a face-to-face breakup is that they fear they may be overcome by their erstwhile partner's appearance and lose their nerve.

Texting or writing a letter, while not always welcome, does have some advantages: It saves the embarrassment of an awkward or even violent scene. It gives the unsuspecting partner time to digest what might be shocking news before a personal encounter can be arranged. And it gives the man a tool to confront the truth about the relationship.

Confrontation is the hardest thing for men who create relationships out of deception to face. They may have spent the entire romance, or most of it, pretending to be a Prince Charming, using physical attraction, approval-seeking, and superficial congruencies to weave a web of lies. Through the written word—though a brief text may not be ideal—such a man can calmly and clearly state the reasons for ending the dating, live-in or even engaged relationship. Often the partner will have had no idea her dream lover really felt that way.

Finding out the truth about a partner before the wedding is, of course, best in the long run. Writing to end a relationship can allow a man to avoid the fear and mind games of "letting someone down easy," emotionally withdrawing to force a partner to end things herself, or simply disappearing.

Anything that gets us to the truth is ultimately a good thing—even, sometimes, a tacky text.

Sometimes there are some problems are in relationship so that time we don't have any other option escape the break up so, This is really nice article. to understand it how to break up.. great suggestion too.

I dated a man for 3 months. We were together every single day. On one particular day I went over to the house he lived in (with a roommate who was dating his sister) as I did every day. I waited and waited and waited. He never came home. Finally I left about midnight. Found out later he was on a date with another woman. I never heard from him again. I would have rather had a text but that happened way before cell phones so I guess he figured he was tired of me and that was that.

My ex ended our 16 year marriage via sudden text. I was completely blindsided. The previous message was "I love you and miss you. Can't wait until you're home." I never spoke to him again, as he refused to return any attempts at contact. From my perspective, the method was cruel. I was so angry and I felt as though he stole my voice. His employer deserved a sit-down meeting, yet his wife received a text. There was no closure. Only questions. I found some answers over the next few weeks, including marital fraud and bigamy. I'm sure it would have been uncomfortable to face the effects of his choices, but by leaving via text, he just left me to clean up his mess. The ONLY time that a text is appropriate to end a significant relationship is when there is an honest fear for physical safety. Otherwise? Have the decency to at least talk with your partner. http://lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com

I read your article in Psychology Today, and I felt as if I were reading my life. I had a very similar experience, which to this day, I feel pain and loss. When I met my fiancé , now ex fiancé , i truly felt as though i had met the love of my life . People who saw us together all observed our inner glow . We had an emotional connection, physical connection which we both said to each other often, was a needle in a haystack. He told me many times a day how he adored me and felt blessed to have me in his world. I reciprocated those words. We giggled together like kids. I never laughed as much as I did with him, in any relationship. Our families blended beautifully. Our kids got along perfectly. His mom said to me over and over " you're already a daughter to me". It would have been a second marriage for both of us, and I felt we were so blessed. We also had a major disagreement over a prenup, I wanted one, he did not. He broke up our engagement over an email. We spent three years loving each other and to this day, I feel a loss. I feel as though it could have been a very easy fix/ compromise. And he broke my heart in a million pieces. I miss him to this day. It's been 2 years since I've seen him.

You're spot on with your comments. Thank you. I am certain my fiancé didn't break up with me in person because we had a very strong physical chemistry and attraction to each other, and he couldn't do it in person, because he knew I would cry and he wouldn't resist me. Even after we broke up, we spoke on the phone, months later and he told me how beautiful and kindhearted i am. He truly loved me. you can't fake that. he told me more in the three years we were together how much he loved me, than i heard in a prior entire marriage. I know what i felt, even more than his words. He broke us up over the fact that I wanted a prenup . He didn't want the prenup. He traded his own soul for money. people come into our worlds for a reason , season, or lifetime. I really thought he was for a lifetime.