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If you're havin' trouble with the high school headHe's givin' you the bluesYou wanna graduate but not in his bedHere's what you gotta doPick up the phone, I'm always homeCall me any timeJust ring 36-24-36, heyI lead a life of crime

You got problems in your life of loveYou got a broken heartHe's double dealin' with your best friendThat's when the teardrops start, fellaPick up the phone, I'm here aloneOr make a social callCome right in, forget 'bout himWe'll have ourselves a ball, hey

If you got a lady and you want her goneBut you ain't got the gutsShe keeps naggin' at you night and dayEnough to drive you nutsPick up the phone, leave her aloneIt's time you made a standFor a fee, I'm happy to beYour back door man, hey