Boehners Today, Boehners Forever!

By the Comics CurmudgeonHello, everybody! Your Comics Curmudgeon has been lying low for a bit, because of the election madness, fearful that Speaker of the House John Boehner will be sending out his goon squads to round up the inadequately orange and put them into tanning booth camps. But then it turns out that he’s not going to seize control of the less-organized half of the legislative branch for another couple of months! Thus, it is still legal to print cartoons about him that do not feature his unbearably beautiful blue eyes emitting power-beams that heal lepers. FOR NOW.

Ha ha, Nancy Pelosi, remember her? She was “2006’s John Boehner,” if you can believe that. Anyway, she will spend the last sad days of the her speakership clinging to the back of the angry, bucking bronco that is the Democratic Party, which seems to be wasting a lot of energy being all angry and bucking-y now, when it can’t help anybody. Your Comics Curmudgeon spent an embarrassing amount of time staring at the small of Nancy’s back in this cartoon, trying to figure out if the line work there was supposed to represent her ass-crack, but then thought, “Wait, am I really trying to figure out if Nancy Pelosi is topless in a rodeo-themed Glen McCoy cartoon? Is this what I’m doing with my life?” So then I stopped! If you find yourself compelled to fixate on something here, why not contemplate the semiotics behind the depiction of the Republican elephant as a rodeo clown in the background?

Oh, I’m sorry, do whimsical clown-elephants bore you? Are you looking for terrifying surrealist imagery that will haunt your dreams for weeks? Here: Take a look at this cartoon, in which Nancy Pelosi pushes her face, frozen into an awful death-mask, mere inches away from a mirror. Why can’t she see her reflection? Why does the mirror’s surface ripple like a pool of water, in defiance of the physical laws that normally govern our reality? The skin on her face is frozen so tightly that she can’t even speak or scream as the surface of the mirror liquid parts to reveal an terrifying orange countenance, appearing from the murky depths of some hell-dimension. “John Boehner,” it says gnomically. That is all it can say. “John Boehner. John Boehner.”

Psych! John Boehner is not the disembodied face of a terrifying demon-spectre. He’s an important American political leader, and he ought to be treated with respect. Get with the program, political cartoonists! The first step is to depict his distinctive orange hue as being more or less uniform across his visible flesh. Under no circumstances should you portray him as he appears here, which is to say, “as if a can of spray tanner had abruptly exploded in his face.” Also, do not color his hair to resemble that of the Oompa-Loompas in the 1971 Willy Wonka movie. John Boehner has managed to conquer his “Oompa-Loompa hair problem” with the help of his lord and savior Jesus Christ and copious amounts of Just For Men hair coloring, as his chief of staff will let you know at great length via email if you happen to imply otherwise.

It’s totally OK to make fun of his name, though! Ha ha, because “Boehner” looks like it should be pronounced like “boner” even though it’s not, really. And you can use it to build funny compound words, like “Boehnercare,” which implies that it’s about taking care of boners — specifically, the boners sprouted by Boehner’s lobbyist friends, when he ensures that they and their clients will have plenty of money, forever. Whee! Boehners!

Meanwhile, while all this hot Boehner action was going on, crafty Mitch McConnell was sneaking up on Barack Obama and cutting off his hand. Wait, there’s a political cartoonist who knows who Mitch McConnell is? NERD.

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons.
Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

Yeah Mitchy looks like someone mated a turtle with Dana Carvey's church lady from SNL and then took it, stuck it into a chair and forced its eyes open for constant Ayn Rand/ Adolf Hitler saturation; this occured from years on end and the beast that emerged became a senator because dumb Republicans will vote for anything so long as it's greedy, corrupt and cruel (see West, Allen and Scott, Rick)

In 10 years we will actually be able to get heart disease, emphysema and stroke just from looking at all the poison Boner's body is expelling into his anaranjo man-leather. If we smoke his mummy it would be as if king tobacco himself had taken us up to smoker's heaven on a toxic cloud accompanied by the ragged, choking wheezes of a heavenly choir.

Lost_Teabaggers

Don't forget all the booze! College kids will be drinkin' Boehner and getting more fucked up than a group of drunks with a crate of everclear to play with.

PublicLuxury

Does the Boehner get to smoke in Federal Buildings? Isn't it against the rules or at least in the cuntstitshun that there shall be no smoking in the office?

SorosBot

The Speaker makes the rules.

doxastic

Glen McCoy's anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun.

MinAgain

Is it just me, or were political cartoons funnier during the Clinton and Bush administrations?

Billmatic

This Modern World is still pretty damned funny and on point.

Weenus299

Mitch McConnell looks like Trent Lott with his teeth knocked out. And look at Obama back there. A dissembled robot. Robama.

Ducksworthy

Will Bonercare pay for viagra? (sorry)

GOPCrusher

If you experience a Boehner last more than 4 hours, seek medical attention.

PublicLuxury

Should we all call The House four hours after he is sworn in?

SayItWithWookies

No weepy Boehner digs? What the hell is wrong with our editorial cartoonists? Maybe weepy Boehners give them bad flashbacks to that night in Miami or something.

hagajim

All I see are Boehners…everywhere!!!! YAARGGGHHHH!

hagajim

When John travels on the 24th is he going to opt out so they can't see his Boehner?

CapnFatback

“Wait, am I really trying to figure out if Nancy Pelosi is topless in a rodeo-themed Glen McCoy cartoon? Is this what I’m doing with my life?”

She's riding bareback, natch.

Swampgas_Man

Grippin' a buckin' bronco w/ her boobs is moar talent than Boehner has ever shown.

DaSandman

Why even bother to try and render Boner's face? The current crop of political cartoonists seem to be a bunch of talentless hacks anyway.

Just put an erect cock on the shoulders or a weeping piece of citrus where the head should go.

arclight2012

Man, if I would just concentrate on drawing instead of trolling the comments on CNN's articles as a made-up teabagger, I could get a job I really liked!

HistoriCat

You probably have too much self-respect.

chicken_thief

"John Boehner is not the disembodied face of a terrifying demon-spectre."

Of course not! He's the disembodied face of a terrifying demon-sphincter.

savethispatient

Sadly, I also believe it looks like Pelosi is topless on top of that donkey. Did Paladino forward you that cartoon, Josh?

That's true but the wrong kind of orange…maybe? Considering Boners face looks like an old leather travelling bag maybe he wants another kind of orange than a ginger like Josh?

Naked_Bunny

Does Glenn McCoy know that one normally roots for the person riding the bucking bronco? Oh wait, McCoy has never let logic or facts get in the way of his poorly drawn polemics.

elviouslyqueer

Nice try, Glenn McCoy, but in the pantheon of Utter Shitbird Editorial Cartoonists, Michael Ramirez will always be Lord God King forever.

Swampgas_Man

Ramirez CAN draw; he may be a schmuck, but he can grip a pen. I don't think this McCoy guy has an opposable thumb.

http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

That guy Jones has to be the worst artist on the planet. Seriously, I am a 56 year old man who draws like a 7 year old, which is why I have never attempted a career as a cartoonist, but at least I know that John Boehner does not look like George Bush.

Also, why doesn't some cartoonist just draw Boehner as a big orange boehner. It would be easier, much, much funnier and would eliminate the need to ever print "John Boehner" across his suit.

lowaltflier

Is that supposed to be Obama with the blame starts here sign?

Terrible!

Lost_Teabaggers

These political cartoons suck…a cartoon that would really skewer the GOP would be Glenn Beck and John Boehner holding each other, bawling over a big pile of corporate cash with a sign reading "Boehner Support Group" behind them as the GOP version of health reform. Now that would be funny, any cartoon involving two old assed grown men crying and holding each other like the cast of a chick flick while wingnut harpies tell Democrats to "man up" would also be funny. The point is, it's very easy to make that dildo crowned with a half-eaten orange for a head look stupid, but it's much better comedy to instead point out the irony of conservative "manliness" considering two of their standard bearers weep like a child with a skinned knee at the drop of a hat.

Lost_Teabaggers

Yeah the Nancy Pelosi on a buckin' bronco cartoon would have been kinda sexy 10-15 years ago before she began to look a lot like a grandma. And Katherine Harris with maybe a bag on her head (or 20 years ago, which is better) would have accomplished the same thing. Anyway, like a mouthbreather like Glenn McCoy would make such an illustration, so there is that, also.

bagofmice

I proudly give your Boehner comment a righteous fist up!

DahBoner

I suggest everyone prank call Boner's office with Beavis and Butthead laughing in the background and ask:

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHERE'S MY BONERCARE?

HUH? HUH? HUH? WHERE?

el_donaldo

The Obama in #3 looks like he's the unholy result of the union between the half-nekkid Pelosi and her mount in #1.

a_pink_poodle

So they laugh at my Boehner, will they?! I'll show them! I'LL SHOW THEM HOW MANY BOEHNERS THE JOKER CAN MAKE!

Negropolis

You know who else can't see their reflections in mirrors? Vampires! Yes, Nancy along with being San Francisco liberal is also and ages-old vampiress.

Swampgas_Man

I really hope that was supposed to be a regular Democrat donkey, and got changed at the last minute.

mstorse9

Visit Hypocritical.org to learn how Senator Mitch McConnell’s consistent acts of hypocrisy and cowardice benefit him at public expense.