Archive for the Humor Category

It’s been damn near two months since I posted anything! Where the hell have I been? Getting caught up in work and personal activities, so at least drama is not the cause. I’ve been swimming a lot and losing weight lately so that’s a plus, but I know I need to refocus myself and realize what’s really important. Scaring the crap out of people!

I know, I deserve to burn in the deepest pits of internet hell for this period of absence, but allow me to beg forgiveness and see if I can muster up a better work ethic. Fingers crossed…

In any case here’s a piece offering for now. Trust me, you will need your choice of alcoholic beverage afterwards.

I don’t normally post videos on Tuesdays, but today I’ll make an exception. This is a story from my father. He always loves to tell this one around a campfire full of friends and loved ones. In fact, this is the first campfire story he told me as a child! Enjoy.

Yeah, dear old Dad was a troll long before it was a thing… Happy April Fools!

First, I’d like to apologize for the recent lack of posts. My new job has kept me rather busy and it’s difficult to find the time to create new content. It’s something that I’ll be working on in the future.

In the meantime, here’s an introduction to a series that I’m quite fond of. The one posted here is the first of many episodes. Sadly, it’s no longer updated, but it’s still a great way to get some education about deadly substances along with a dose of entertainment. Enjoy, and have a great weekend!

I should start by saying that I work in a call center for a major wireless company. I won’t be naming which one it is, but I will say it is a major carrier. When you call in with questions about your bill or changing your service plan, you’re talking to people like me.

I know how that sounds – and yes – there are definitely more glamorous jobs in the world, but it’s the way I get my bills paid. It sure beats the hell out of working in a retail store.

The difficult thing about working in customer service is people aren’t calling because everything’s fine and happy – they’re calling because they’re ticked off about some problem they’re having with their service. Most upset people take it out on the poor grunt on the other end, and it can take a lot of skill to calm someone over the phone. An agent will burn out in no time if they don’t know how to handle it. Those who have worked here a long time have their ways of dealing with all the frustration.

The most common method is to see the humor in it all. Agents will find they can look back at many of their most stressful or upsetting calls, and laugh about it later. There are a ton of hilarious calls that are saved within our system that we use to help teach new agents. There are callers who have made strange, animalistic shouts and yells in their anger, amazing insults that will impress even the most cynical, and of course the few lewd callers with weird fetishes. We laugh at all these people for their ridiculous behavior and pathetic attempts to get us down.

However there is one call in my experience that still chills me each time it comes to mind. It’s become something of a legend amongst my coworkers and me; a call that no one in our center can explain with any certainty.

It happened very early on a Saturday morning; just past four o’clock. Our center runs 24/7, so there’s always a graveyard shift running for the handful of late-night callers looking for some troubleshooting or emergency support. A lot of our more interesting calls come in at times like this, and that night was no exception.

I had already been working for about two hours before I got that strange call. Before then there had been nothing out of the ordinary: a guy that needed to update his iPhone to fix some texting problems, a woman who was upset about overage charges on her bill, and a bunch of people asking to defer their bills for later in the week. All of these issues are very mundane, routine stuff.

I nearly had to wait five whole minutes to receive that fateful call. When it did come in, I could tell that the number was quite distinctive. It was all a bunch of sixes.

I found the number odd, but I’m no a believer in demonic adversaries, so I remained unfazed. “Hello, thank you for calling customer service. How can I help you today?” I said. This is how I always begin a call. It’s become such a habit; I could do this all in my sleep.

This time however I was met with no reply. No muffled talking or jostling sounds either, just complete silence. A dead air call.

This may seem strange to you, but it actually happens all the time. Sometimes people accidentally call our customer service line when their phone is in their pocket, or maybe their toddler started playing with the buttons. They’re also known as ‘ghost’ calls, and I get at least one of them a day.

With October’s arrival, a lot of people are starting to make their plans for the best holiday of the year: Halloween! I love it and all its trappings; scary storytelling, spooky decorations, candy, and dressing up in creative ways are just some of the many things I love about it.

However, there is one aspect of Halloween that has evolved in recent years that has come to annoy me. This is the ‘sexy halloween’ costumes that have come to be a traditional part of Halloween festivities.

First, let me assure you that I’m not a prude who thinks all women ought to dress like it’s the 1950’s again. Women can and should be able to dress in any manner they please, and should be given respect no matter what they choose to wear. I know there are a lot of ladies out there who like to show a little skin and have some adult-themed fun on Halloween night. However that doesn’t mean I cannot disagree with another woman’s dress choices and give my reasons why, and let me tell you, there are a lot of reasons why I have to disagree with all this. Particularly some of the skimpier revisions to all kinds of costumes.

Sexy Versions of Male Horror Villains

I cannot begin to tell you how wrong this is! The fact that these costumes aren’t remotely like the villains in slasher flicks is the last of many issues to come to mind. This could only be the result of some guy looking at a serial killer like Freddy Kruger or Chucky and thinking ‘man, if that guy was a chick, I’d totally bang her!’ Is this an attempt to reconcile the fact that most sexy costumes for women aren’t scary, are designers just running out of ideas at this point, or will they make a skimpy women’s version for just about anything?

Sexy Cartoon Characters

Sexy Big Bird, sexy Spongebob, and so many others: just why? Do the men of the world really want to mess around with the cartoons of their childhood? If you’re looking for attention or a good time or something, why bring nostalgia into it? There’s no need people!

If you insist on being a sexy cartoon character, may I suggest Jessica Rabbit? She’s a cool character, and you don’t have to change a thing about her outfit to turn heads!

Lingerie costumes

Or at least they look like lingerie to me. I’ve seen lingerie versions of superhero costumes, animal costumes, and much more. Just about every costume you can think of has a lingerie version to go with it. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought lingerie was supposed to be ladies’ underwear. Sure it’s very pretty underwear that many women enjoy wearing, but people generally don’t go out on the town in nothing but their undergarments. Sticking a pair of cat or rabbit ears on your head doesn’t change that. Is it so wrong to wear a nice dress on or something?

Ethnic stereotypes

I’m sure many of you remember the ‘We’re a Culture, Not a Costume‘ thing that happened a few years ago. While I’m of the opinion that most ethnic costumes are harmless and have no ill intent behind them, I understand where these college kids were coming from. I don’t like most of these costumes because they tend to be just plain tacky, terrible costumes. In many cases these costumes are supposed to be humorous, but I’m not laughing – I just find it dumb.

It’s one thing to wear a beautiful kimono, or a traditional spanish dress, or put on a cool mariachi band outfit, it’s totally another to use cultural fashion as a means to show off some skin. I’m 100% certain that real geishas and Native American women have never dressed like this. Please don’t bring foreign cultures into all this!

Every Woman’s Costume is for Hookerween`

Or it least it seems that way. Go to the women’s section and try to find an outfit that doesn’t. I can assure you, unless you grab a few plus-sized ones, you’re going to be hard pressed to find costumes that fit this criteria. Even if you do manage to find something, choices will be limited. As much as women have the right to wear revealing clothing if they want, women should also have the option for more modest attire. Women that don’t want to wear these kinds of clothes probably have to make their own costumes or are pretty much SOL.

I’m sure you’re guessing that I’m making my own costume this year. You would be right. I don’t expect this trend to disappear anytime soon, I just wish that people would tone it down so more choices and creativity can come to the Halloween season.

Not too long ago I had the pleasure of watching the 1933 adaptation of The Invisible Man. While I thoroughly enjoyed it, the ending got me thinking about a very tired cliche in science fiction. ‘Jack’ Griffin, as the film has specified his first name, says with his dying breath that he had meddled in things that man must leave alone. What a surprise!(Please note the sarcasm)

This kind of thing happens a lot in the mad scientist crowd, as they all seem to be tripping over each other in the rush to step on the toes of God. Then when karma gives them a resounding slap for their shortsighted foolishness, their tune changes and they start going on about how they shouldn’t mess with nature or that sometimes it’s better to remain ignorant than have harmful knowledge.

Frankenstein is probably the quintessential example of this notion, but at least Shelly was being original at the time and had a more nuanced perspective than some writers. This idea has been repeated over and over, and it has always bugged me for many good reasons.

It’s simply a bad excuse. It takes some of the blame off the scientist in question at the cost of scientific curiosity. Why would a ‘Mr. MadScientist’ so to speak, take the time to think about the consequences of his actions when he could just say that said discovery simply wasn’t meant for humans to begin with? It’s a rather fatalistic argument too, making the assumption that when mankind is equipped with certain kinds of scientific knowledge people will either misuse or mess thing up in the same way.

How can anyone considering resurrecting the dead, making mutated monsters, or building dangerous robots not stop and ask themselves, ‘how could this possibly go wrong?’ Nope! Mr. MadScientist never stops to think about it because he’s caught up in obtaining scientific knowledge, in a rush due to altruistic motivations, or trying to take over the world. Take your pick at his motivations, they all require a lack of foresight.

(For the record, I fully acknowledge that ‘Mr. MadScientist’ could be ‘Miss MadScientist.’ Women are just as capable as men are when it comes to making terrible decisions. If it bothers you that much just change the pronouns around or something.)

One could say that Mr. MadScientist lacks morality, ethics, common sense, or all of the above. That can definitely be considered a character flaw. And yes, respect should be granted to nature or whatever divine power one may adhere to, but that doesn’t mean remaining ignorant is a preferable alternative. Human knowledge is simply a tool – inherently neutral by itself, and any tool can be an instrument for good or evil. A hammer can be used to help build a house or bash someone’s brains in, but it doesn’t say anything about the hammer.

This notion also makes a lot of harmful assumptions. I’ve already mentioned how it reveals a complete lack of faith in humankind’s ability to be responsible with scientific knowledge. Also, Mr. MadScientist, how do you know that what you messed with really belongs to the control of God/Nature? Science that was once taboo hundreds of years ago, considered blasphemous or worse, has become mainstream and useful today. Think of all the grave-robbing that occurred back in the day just to get bodies for anatomical study. Nobody got struck by lightening for furthering human understanding of our own anatomy.

This kind of attitude goes against the very nature of science. I hate the idea that having no knowledge of a subject is the best solution. Sometimes making discoveries involves taking risks, and knowledge shouldn’t be scrapped when things go wrong. Rather, learn from your mistakes so you don’t make them again. Who says that someone couldn’t do better with the scientific discoveries that lead to your downfall?

I just want to say Mr. MadScientist, you fucked up. You and you alone. Don’t go putting your mistakes on anyone or anything else.

Readers, are there any stories that have annoyed you by using this trope? Are there any cliches that bother you to no end? Let me know in the comments.