Color Commentary: Fifty Shades of Grey

Color Commentary is back and in honor of Valentine’s Day, we’re critiquing the 2015 major motion picture, 50 Shades of Grey. In the tradition of Honest Trailers and Mystery Science Theater 3000, this commentary is done in complete satire, is intended for a mature audience and is meant for entertainment purposes. In other words, if you take any of this seriously, you are a fracking idiot.

Let’s see what’s new this week in the iTunes movie section. Let’s see 50 Shades of Grey and Selma. Hmmmmmmmmm. On one hand we have a movie which can essentially be considered pain porn and abuse for white consumption. On the other hand we have 50 Shades of Grey. I know what I’m watching.

Your name is Anastasia? Whatever Rebecca. PH-10.

Talking about how big this man’s heart is and how compassionate. Becky you’ve only known him 5 minutes. Not counting the three where he had to help your clumsy ass off the ground.

Christian: There are some people who say I don’t have a heart at all.
Basic Becky: Why would they say that?
Denny: Because unlike your trifling ass, they’ve known him longer than five minutes and are qualified to speak on it.

Basic Becky: [reads questions] Oh you were adopted at age 4.
Denny: [blinks 40 times] Who in the hell brings that up in an interview during a first meeting. [breaks the fourth wall and turns to you the viewer (yes you) and silently mouths: WHITE FOLKS]
Christian: Do you have an actual question?

Basic Becky: Are you gay?
Denny:…………………………………Ah hell nah. You mother—
[lunges at flatscreen tv, trips over remote and crashes on the ground]

And seriously can we talk about that sartorial tragedy you call an ensemble, sweetheart:

OH EM GEE BECKY!!!! He guessed which author (Hardy) which made you fall in love with literature in three guesses? How basic are you? You could’ve at least been original and said Sir Arthur Conan Doyle or Langston Hughes.

Oh they’re in Seattle, I knew there was something familiar about that shade of mayonnaise.

Internship? Really Grey? Didn’t you get the memo…..called the Emancipation Proclamation. What the hell is he doing in a hardware store. He doesn’t do manual labor.

Becky, the last time a man took me to the hardware store, and talked about getting rope and taking his clothes off I found myself………oh wait. I can’t finish that story here.
#SluttyCatholicsRepresent
Wait I know that guy, he stars in CBS’s Stalker. Wait a minute……that’s some interesting casting.

Christian: You should stay away from me?
Denny: Fool you the one who keeps asking Basic Becky out.

Oh. Christian uses a Macbook. I guess he can’t be completely evil.
He just GPS’ed yo a$$ Becky. Drunk dial Christian, he’s gonna show you. LOL!!!!
Christian, why is your brother Eliot staying at the hotel with you? What kind of freaky deaky do you all get into?

Christian decided to run interference on Kate the roommate by sending the cute brother to smash the homie. Hmmmmmm. Interesting tactic. A classic move. I’ll grant them that.

Christian: if you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week

Becky, get out of that hotel room, he’s a Norman Bates waiting to happen.

Christian: I will not touch you. Not until I have your written consent.
Basic Becky: What?

WHAT? GET THE HELL OUT OF THAT HOTEL ROOM? WHAT THE HELL DOES A RICH GROWN MAN NEED WRITTEN CONSENT FOR? WHAT DO YOU THINK HE’S PLANNING TO DO?

Christian: Just beyond this door is my playroom.
Basic Becky: Like your X-Box and stuff?

Denny: White people, please come get your cousin.

Oh whatever. You call that a playroom? I call that amateur hour.

Christian: It’s my mother.

FOOL, YOUR MAMA GOT ACCESS TO YOUR CRIB WHILE YOU ROMANCING THE LADIES.Now you starting to act like Basic Becky.

Basic Becky, Christian doesn’t do relationships. He’s told you for the 1 millionth time. In fact 3-6-Mafia spoke on this as well in Late Nite Tip.

I’m not the type to get involved in long relationships (Why)
Takin’ trips and buyin’ gifts, I’m sorry you’re not on the tip (What)
If you want romance you should just stick who you already with (Ok)
If you in that means you can just hit me on that late night tip (Oh)

I’ll say this for the movie, their soundtrack is nothing short of badass. I will give them that.

So Christian got into BDSM because his mother’s friend raped him when he was 15. Rape culture ladies and gentlemen.

Dude you just sold her car!!!!!!!!

Christian’s Dad is frikkin hawt.

My God this movie really is a ripoff of Twilight. I’m recognizing many plot points from when I saw those Meyer movies.

That’s a flimsy plane you all are flying in. ESPECIALLY with the kind of wind the Pacific Northwest stays getting.

Crash and burn! Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!Crash and burn!

I knew those jeans Christian is wearing in the playroom looked familiar. I own a pair just like em.

Basic Becky: I just wanna talk. Why won’t you let me in? We should be talking.

Basic Becky just became Needy Nancy.
Hey Christian, instead of putting a blindfold on her, next time just gag her. The world will thank you for it.

Basic Becky: Why do you wanna hurt me?
Denny: BECAUSE HE’S A GUY! THAT’S WHAT GUYS DO!!!!!! USE ABUSE AND HURT WOMEN.

Becky: Why do you want to do anything to me?

Denny: For someone who had a 4.0 GPA, you seem to be a bit slow on the take. Let me break it down for you. His mama was a crackhead who abused him till he was 4.

He was raped by his foster mom’s friend at 15, repeatedly and they’re still in touch to this day. He gets off on controlling women.
Sorta like when he bought you a new car but sold yours off.
He stalked you from Seattle to GA.
He throws a hissy fit every time you make an independent decision.
He’s got more issues than a lifetime subscription to People Magazine.
Are you getting it now? So when I say your man ain’t shit, no really boo boo, YO MAN AIN’T SHIT!!!!!
Christian: Because I am 50 Shades of f*cked up.
Denny: NO LIE DETECTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And on that note, this film is over. Happy Valentine’s Day. And nothing says love like me watching and reviewing an awesomely bad flick for your amusement.

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Published by Dennis R. Upkins

Speculative Fiction Novelist. Author of Hollowstone, West of Sunset and other cool stories.
Wordsmith, activist and nerd seraph. Saving the world and/or taking it over.
http://www.dennisupkins.wordpress.com
View all posts by Dennis R. Upkins