Monday, September 24, 2012

I've been so busy and have been thinking about maybe taking down my blog. I'm not sure, but sometimes I wonder if I should.

I didn't even get my Friday weigh-in up. I have remained the 119.2 so that's nice!! I have been feeling good, but mentally is a hard time of year for me. Today is the day I sat in my car in the doctor office's parking lot crying because he found a lump in my breast. From that day on cancer has been on mind and continues to scare me. It has gotten a lot better and I'm so blessed to be happy and to have had a pretty easy experience with it. Still as Fall settles in I feel uneasy and nervous. I have gotten all my wigs together and decided it's time to give them away. I'm scared that once I do something bad will happen- moving on is sometimes the hardest part for me.

That day I was crying in the parking lot I only thought of Lucas. I couldn't imagine having to leave him. Well I'm not going anytime soon- I think. So this post is dedicated to my sweet boy.

I'm going to post a bibliography I did on Lucas. Lucas' English teacher had given us parents a homework assignment and it was to be a bibliography on your child. This teacher wanted another view of her students and it was my pleasure to gush over my boy. I know it's sickening sweet- but hey I'm a mom that's what we do!

Here it is:

It was Friday the 13th, December 1996 and Lucas Raymond Tiberi was born. Lucas was born to Dan and Danielle Tiberi at Lourdes hospital in Binghamton, New York. Friday the 13th was never to be feared again. I was actually hoping he would be born on a Friday the 13th same as my dear grandmother, Lucas’ great grandmother.

Lucas was screaming from the time he came out till it seemed like the next day. He had the cutest little head with the blondest hair and bluest eyes. Dan and I were so shocked to hear our baby was a blonde being that both of us were brunettes. It was the happiest day of our lives. Lucas didn’t sleep much and ate about every 2 hours. One of the greatest memories of my life was when they would come into my hospital room in the middle of the night and bring me this cute little baby with the dewy face and wet eye lashes from crying. The nurses were more than happy to bring him to me as he had been crying and crying. Being alone with Lucas that first night was such a treat for me.

Right from the beginning it was clear Lucas wasn’t going to be a sleeper. There were many nights of little sleep and that didn’t mean he slept all day, oh no not Lucas he was so happy to be awake as much as possible. Lucas was very alert and so much fun to play with, his eyes would watch and he would try so hard to mimic your mouth and sounds. I used to tell him I loved him a lot and at one point he tried to start mimicking me. I have it on tape of him trying to mimic “I love you”. Lucas was about 9 months old. This story seems so unreal and hadn’t I had it on tape I would probably never mention it.

It was clear to me he was very alert and liked new things. Lucas had a way with insects and bugs and watching him wander around in a diaper searching out bugs, lizards or frogs was so much fun. Lucas loved being outside and the creek behind our house was one of his favorite things to do. Some days we would pack up some snacks and head to the creek for a little adventure.

As Lucas grew he became interested in sports and he was never afraid to try any sport. Lucas also liked to follow many sports and could carry on a conversation with just about anyone concerning that sport. Lucas is always curious and loves to learn everything he can about what ever it is that is interesting to him at the time. I can remember when he was getting into playing and watching football, he read and read and he would talk about players and would even know which college they attended.

When Lucas was 2 his father and I divorced and it wasn’t easy for Lucas, but he always remained a happy boy. There were tough moments, but he learned to be strong. My father and Lucas became “partners” as they used to call themselves and they would go on adventures of their own. Lucas cherishes his grandparents and just this summer he went to Europe with them and I was so proud of how he conducted himself. My parents adore him and he adores them as well.

Lucas was in 4th grade when he had taken a liking to a nun at our church. She was so sweet and she really liked Lucas as well. She was from Africa and actually had an orphanage there. That year Lucas raised money for sister to take back to her orphanage. He spoke about it at school for Make a Difference Day, sold bracelets, and wrote letters to raise money.

Being a mom and loving Lucas so much I never imagined I would find a man good enough for my Lucas; as in a Stepfather. Well I did meet a guy named Rob and he has as big a heart as Lucas and I. Lucas is always respectful of Rob. Sometimes their interests were different as in Lucas loves all sports and Rob loves racing and cars. This only made them closer; Lucas always wanted to learn about things and also enjoyed teaching Rob the things he knew.

Lucas has always amazed me through out his life. When I remarried Lucas had to change schools and I feared that adjustment. Lucas however sailed through like it was nothing. I will never forget his first dance at Chenango Forks; we watched as this new middle-schooler walked right into the dance all by himself.

Another time I was proud of Lucas was when he seen a boy in the lunch room sitting alone, he went and sat with him. This wasn’t a one time deal he kept going every lunch period and would sit with the boy. Eventually Lucas got the feeling the boy didn’t really much care for Lucas sitting with him so we talked about it and he realized sometimes people may want to be alone.

Lucas has a good intuition into what is right. I got cancer when Lucas was 12 and it was a hard year for the 3 of us. I had treatment and Lucas was there for me through all of it. He decided he wasn’t going to share what was going on with any friends so he really only had his family to help him through it. After it was all done Lucas got Rob and I together one day and he had my beloved robe I wore all the time during treatment and he declared it was time to burn it. I’m sure it was very hard to watch your mom go from a busy mom to a mom with no hair who spent most of her time in a robe. He probably needed a release and I believe he sensed we all did. It was the closing of something that I’m sure was hard for him. He helped me move on as well.

Lucas has a dog Maggie who he loves. He takes good care of her and she loves him too. I don’t know that there would ever be an animal Lucas wouldn’t love. We have saved or at least tried to save any little creature in need. If Lucas finds a frog or little creature he always treats it with respect and now even teaches his little cousins to do the same.

Lucas has a good head and a lot of common sense. He does wiring at our house and if anything has to be figured out or put together I can usually count on with him to help. I loved to watch him when he would wrestle because I could see he was using his head as much as he was using his strength. He was strong and determined when he wrestled.

I was also so proud of Lucas this year when he worked at our church bazaar. He helped me every day of the bazaar as we ran 2 different booths. I knew I could count on him. I can’t begin to tell you all the people who came up to me to tell me what a good boy he is. I would catch him having conversations with the old timers, making sure the lady working all day had a drink when needed, carrying heavy stuff when someone needed it, and just plain smiling the whole time he helped.

It’s hard to believe Lucas will be 16 in December. He has grown to be such a nice young man. He is strong, loves to learn, has faith, and wants to always be a stand up guy. I also think he is the most handsome boy in the world. I enjoy watching him learn and grow. I know he has faced some challenges, but he grew bigger from each and every one. I can’t wait to see more of what he will do and accomplish. I couldn’t have asked for anything more in a child. He makes a lot people happy.
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This weekend I attended a funeral of an elderly woman and it was so nice to hear her granddaughter speak of her memories. It came to me that it would be so nice if I continued with Luk's bibliography and eventually when I get old and ready to leave this planet I pass it on to someone I know might be able to read this at his funeral- at least even a portion of it. I know all this death talk is really a bit much, but I'm learning to see the beauty in it. I've been reading a lot of stories concerning death and dying and I'm finding it can be a beautiful experience.

The woman who passed had been in the hospital only a day or two and she told her daughter she was so tired, but she was afraid to go. So the daughter held hand till the end. If it was my mom I probably would say, "Well mom I wasn't exactly thrilled to leave the womb and come into this world, but how wonderful it has been~ now again you will go ahead of me to an even more beautiful place, but I will be here to hold your hand till you get there, and your mom takes your hand from me." Sometimes the new beginnings seem so scary, but they turn out to be a beautiful gift.

Life is so amazing and taking time to slow up, pray and even read the bible can help us heal from our fears. This past week of doing that assignment and attending a funeral really shows how things are woven together for reasons we may never know.
And then I stumbled on this quote:
"There are some good things that God can only accomplish THROUGH battle."
Bo Stern

Friday, September 14, 2012

Ok- I'm probably back on track with losing, but the last week has been rough. I went from wanting to eat everything to not feeling well at all. I hate to admit, but I had high hopes of taking more vitamins- got everything organized and ended up not doing it and so I also skipped my tamoxifen. I think when I miss it my body actually goes a little wacky.....I like me periods better when I am on my tamoxifen. I just hope to high heaven that it's doing it's job because I have been having periods.

Ok enough of that crap....and I hate seeing my toes....I need to use the scale at the gym again!

I've been gearing up for fall and so I've been organizing my clothes and checking to see if I need anything and well I got a couple of things and I'm almost done......just need a pair of black leggings and a pair of plain jeans. I may grab a cute black bootie, but that would only be from Payless and it'll have to be cheap.

When I say done I mean I will then be fasting from any spending and I may also get myself on a nice food fast. I'm debating on 21Day Cleanse from Kris Carr's book or my own concoction. We'll see.

I was in Walgreen's and noticed they had some Buy One get One for 50% off

I love ROC products- I love using the wrinkle serum

so I decided to try a couple others so far I've only used the primer and like it

They also have the same deal on Maybelline Foundation, Powder and Face items
I really like this Maybelline highlighting concealor in Radiant

And I also like their powder Dream Matte in Sand

Then over at Puma the sale is 40% off with coupon code: PUMAAFF912- I believe even the sale items get a discount.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

I think we need to share more beautiful things about people we love......
I love reading about other people's love......the last couple I read ended tears as the loved ones had passed. I don't want to wait till then to tell some very special people how beautiful they are - and loved!

My wonderful husband

In life you sometimes end up where you didn't plan and you wonder what it is you are going to end up re-dreaming. When I got married at 27 I imagined having a family. Quickly it was clear to me I had to make an enormous decision not only for myself, but especially for my beautiful baby boy. My new dream was to grow a strong independent man. After a police officer told me the next time he comes to my house he was going to have to call social services, and my grandmother passing I realized I need to make a better life because life is too short. After those two eye opening events I made some very difficult yet important decisions and I was able to get out of my dysfunctional home and start a new journey. Being alone with a little one is never easy. I longed to share my life with someone, but knew it was going to take some time. I needed to heal as well as keep my son healthy and happy. Many times I would go in my backyard and look up in the sky and wonder what my future husband was doing at that very moment. I set the intention that I would work on myself to prepare for my future with someone special and my beautiful son.

Then one night I met a man that would change my life. Robert Podrazil

We dated and dated and finally married and it was one of the best days of my life. Our wedding was perfect to us. I only wish my grandmother was there to meet Rob.

I am so lucky to have found such an amazing husband. Those days I stood in my backyard and dreamed of a future husband I knew nothing. I may have thought I knew what I was hoping for, but I never would imagined loving someone the way I love my husband. I used to always think of my life in terms of me and what I need to do. Now I know there is no more me it's us. I don't ever want to be without Rob. I can't even begin to imagine a my life without him. I want him with me always. Summer is a time when we don't get to do much together because he is working so hard for us. I miss him a lot this summer. I can't wait for fall to come and his season to end so we can do stuff together again.

Rob is so funny and he loves friends and family so much! Rob always makes me laugh and hanging out together with him is the best of times. I couldn't have chosen a better man for Lucas to look up to and learn from. His love for Lucas is the ultimate gift to me. When I was sick my biggest fear was dying and wondering what would happen to Rob and Lucas, because I knew they would be heartbroken to be split up in any way.

Rob is so strong and yet he has a huge heart. He had to go through so much when I was sick and I don't know how I would have done it without him. At first I felt alone when they told me, I went back to my survival mode of thinking- what am I going to do to get through this? But then Rob was there and we were in a situation we never planned on and he stepped up. The night he told me I was going to make even if he had to pull me through I believed him. The cross he made me stayed with me all the time. He always came home with stories from other survivors and prayers from friends and customers. He stayed in touch with our pastor and made sure I got back on track when I felt so down. My first chemo was on his birthday- what a birthday- I was going to change that appointment, but he insisted I keep it. So we spent time together in the city before my appointment and it was the best time.

I will never forget the last time we were intimate before my body was never to be the same. We said pretty much nothing and as much as I think we didn't feel it at first it was a beautiful bittersweet moment. We were so in tune- no words were needed.

I'll never forget the car ride home from the city after getting the bad news about my lymph node- my dad and mom were there, dad was driving and Rob slid me a note saying "take a xanax"........it's too bad I hadn't brought any. Rob knew I was very upset- as he was too- but again he was thinking of me.
.
After all the cancer stuff I was left very different. This was a huge adjustment. I felt like I went through the ringer and pretty much looked like that, but Rob said nothing too much. It was Rob who literally took me by the hand and escorted me to the gym nightly to help me. That wasn't easy either.....I'd weigh myself- I'd cry, I'd complain about the weights, the reps you name it. He just kept up with it and even made me my first weight journal. This fall I hope to used it a lot with Rob by my side. He constantly encouraged me and pushed me when needed. If I look good and healthy he's owed a lot of credit. When he tells me I look good and I tell him thanks to him he always tells me I did it.

I'm so blessed to have him. He has done so much for me and he has given up a lot too. I know he continues to suffer some of the remnants of what cancer has taken from us. I hope like me he knows it's us and not just him. I will always be there for him.

I know we are as one and I hope we leave this planet years and years from now at the exact same time- I just can't imagine our life apart ever.
He is the dream I never got to dream~ only live!

Friday, September 7, 2012

Dinner is put off till tonight......Rob had the flu last night and I forgot to buy one ingredient!!!

Check this chick out: AWESOME!!!

Very inspiring to watch this little clip.
Since going on vacation, away last weekend and the start of school - I can't get my groove back. I need to fall into a new routine and fast!!! We are hopefully going away somewhere warm and I had want to reach my anniversary goal!!! At this point this morning I weighed the same!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

So it's slowly creeping in.....mornings are dark and a bit cooler, our daylight disappears quicker...Fall is on it's way. All my life I have loved Fall. Not so much anymore- it brings back memories I much rather not deal with. This morning getting up to take Lucas to school I had that sick feeling of remembering what I felt like some mornings after my cancer diagnosis. I've been dreading Summer leaving- it went way too fast!

So as I always- I look to the bright side- something to pick me up and motivate me to look forward to our next season! FOOD and FASHION my 2 favs! I will certainly miss all the Summer fruits and veggies!

So tonight (Tuesday) while in the grocery store I had a conversation with the produce guy- I'll call him Joey B. We talked about whats coming next down the pike for us here in NY. I want to try and eat more of what is in season here where we are. For the month of September according to Epicurious.com

we will have:

Apples

Blueberries

Corn

Cucumbers

Grapes

Pears

Peppers

Plums

Raspberries

Tomatoes

Well Joey B- let me know that some of the apples will not be good this year do to our weather situation- we had a little temperature situation I guess.

He also told me there are already getting squash in so that always a nice fall veggie to start planning for.

I wanted to start gathering some simple in season veggie recipes that the boys will eat this Fall.

While on the Epicurious I stumbled on this awesome sounding dinner menu: