A blog to talk about the scientific and emotional aspects of infertility!

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Tuesday, June 18, 2013

What to do if you and your spouse disagree about treatment options !

When
tackling infertility, you will be flooded with a variety of treatment options.
The field of ART is vast, and depending on the nature of your problem , the
treatment choices can vary all the way from from simple ovulation induction
with clomiphene to IVF and surrogacy.

With
the advances in the field of ART, there is a solution for almost any kind of
infertility problem you face, but being open to different treatment options is
not easy for everybody. Not everyone is comfortable in subjecting themselves
or their spouse to treatments which are not agreeable to them physically or
mentally. Financial conditions, social, cultural and religious limitations and
fear of medical procedures all play a major role in deciding whether to pursue
a particular infertility treatment or not.

Infertility
is more of an emotional ailment than a physical one ! The unquenchable desire
for a baby combined with social and peer pressure are the most important
driving forces which compel couples to undergo different infertility
treatments. As long as both partners are on the same page regarding
pursuing a particular fertility treatment option, everything is well and fine.
But what happens when they do not see eye to eye about their options ? What
happens when one of the partner wants to put an end to the infertility
treatment and move on with life, while the other person could not imagine a
life without a baby ?

Infertility
becomes easier to handle when there is understanding between the partners. When
one of the partners is ready to move heaven and earth in order to realize their
dream of having a baby, and the other cannot understand this overwhelming
craving to procreate, then the relationship gets strained. The stress of
infertility combined with a strained relationship can play havoc ! There
are couples who decide to end their marital relationship because unable to bear
the brunt of the assisted baby-making journey !

When
you and your spouse do not agree about treatment options what can be done ? How
can you find a balance so that your relationship goes on smoothly ? Should one
person sacrifice their desire for the sake of the other ?

But
before going into what can be done, let us see where the problem arises. Below
are the some of the common reasons why a spouse might not be ready to undergo
fertility treatment or might be uncomfortable pursuing a particular treatment
option :

Denial

This
happens during the initial stage of infertility diagnosis. The natural reaction
from many would be “ I am healthy and normal, I will not undergo any treatment
– we will have our baby without any treatment !” Many will want to bury their
head in sand and try to pretend that everything is well and good. A man
normally equates his fertility to virility. He panics that because of the diagnosis
of infertility, his manliness is being questioned ! Likewise, a woman also
thinks that her feminity is in suspect if she cannot conceive ! This mental
make-up makes the diagnosis of infertility impossible to accept , and as a
result some people might vehemently refuse to go through any kind of
infertility treatment.

Fear of invasive procedures and injections

Infertility
treatments demand a lot of blood tests, use of injectable medicines and
sometimes invasive procedures for diagnosis and treatment. As a result people
who are phobic about injections and surgeries become jittery to carry on with
infertility treatment.

Concern about the effect of infertility treatment on
prospective children

There
are lots of misconception surrounding infertility treatment and its effect on
children born out of such treatments. This might create fear in the mind of
your partner and he or she might consider such fear as a valid reason for
avoiding infertility treatments.

Worry about the enormous cost associated with
infertility treatment

In
most parts of the world , infertility treatments are very costly , and can be a
very big economic burden for the family. It can lead to emptying of your bank
balance and can leave you financially insecure. This can create enormous mental
pressure for the bread-winner of the family who would naturally want refuse to
undergo costly treatments where the outcome is always uncertain.

Social, cultural and religious limitations

Third
party reproductive assistance such as using donor sperms, donor eggs, donor
embryos and surrogacy is banned in certain religious groups. Social and
cultural restrictions will also play a major role in deciding whether a couple
is willing to undergo a particular fertility treatment or not.

Fed up of infertility treatments

Fertility
treatments consume lots of time as well as physical and emotional energy.
There is also a lot of uncertainty inherent in such treatments – there is
no guarantee that you will end up pregnant after spending so much of your time,
money and energy. The stress of infertility treatment can make life lacklustre.
This can create an aversion towards infertility treatments !

So when a situation arises where you and your spouse
do not agree about infertility treatment options, how can you deal with it ?
How to constructively resolve your disagreement ?

When
disagreement arises in a marital relationship there are four possible ways to
solve it :

End the
disagreement by agreeing with the other person’s choice

Coming to a
mutually acceptable solution

Living with the difference

Separating and
ending the relationship

When
one of the partners does not want to pursue IVF and the other wants to leave no
stone unturned in order to have a baby, but decides to end the conflict by
agreeing to the option of not undergoing IVF (either out of love or out of
coercion !) , it appears that the disagreement is solved and all is well. But,
this kind of conflict solving usually causes lots of bitterness and may
ultimately lead to the loss of intimacy ! Even if a partner sacrifices his/her
wish out of love, it will never be a creative experience because “baby lust” is
much stronger than anyone could imagine. The urge to have a baby is very hard
to sacrifice and the partner who decided to “sacrifice” will always regret
his/her decision , whenever they see a “cute little family”! These kind of
“solutions” can lead to your marital relationship breaking at some point or the
other !

So, how can you come to a mutually acceptable solution
?

Have an open mind

Most
problems in life become difficult to tackle if we close our mind to new
information and ideas. Having a closed mind also makes it impossible for you to
understand and appreciate the goodness in your partner’s point of view. It also
becomes tiresome and frustrating for your partner to have a rational argument
with you , because you are incapable of seeing things from their perspective .
When you adamantly hold on to your views , there will be no possibility
of a fair argument which involves give and take. For example, if you believe
that taking infertility treatment increases your risk of having children with
mental and physical disabilities, this is a very valid concern. But, having an
open mind will help you to judge the validity of your belief with the help of
scientific information , and by talking to people who are better informed than
you are ! Closed-mindedness when facing infertility may curtail your treatment
options and hence your opportunity to have a baby. It might also leave
your partner wounded forever !

“Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub
them off every once in a while, or the light won't come in.” - Issac
Asimov

Have a heart to heart talk!

Try
to be expressive and talk openly about what is in your mind. It is very
difficult for your partner to read your mind if you are not ready for healthy
communication. The worst enemy to a good communication is emotional outbursts
(crying, name-calling, slamming doors, threatening) ! Disagreement regarding
infertility treatment is a highly emotional topic, so make sure you find a good
time to talk about it. Do not raise the issue when your partner is tired, upset
or irritated. Explain clearly - why you are not ready to agree about a particular
treatment option ; what your fears and concerns are ; how avoiding or
pursuing a particular treatment option will be beneficial for you both (not
only for you !). Try to analyse the pros and cons of your decision rationally.
Remember, communication is a two way street. It is very important to allow your
partner to talk and try to be heedful ! Listen to your partner’s concern
and respect their fears and insecurity. Do not interfere when your partner is
talking ; do not discourage them when they express their point of view and
never be sarcastic ! Never think that the problem is with the other person and
you are always right ! I would like my partner to sit close to me, hold
my hand, give me a few hugs so that I feel the warmth and kindness. Such intimate,
non-sexual contact can make the communication much easier by adding lubrication
and hence can make it very honest too ! Mutually acceptable solutions can never
be reached without proper communication and deep understanding of the
conflict. Once you understand where the conflict lies , it is easier to
reach a solution.

“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
- Stephen R. Covey

Respect each other’s differences !

If
you allow yourself to see other person’s point of view, you will naturally
respect their fears and concerns. Their concern may appear very silly and
insignificant for you, but you have to understand that it really bothers your
partner ! For example, the fear of injection or surgery can be a powerful
deterring force for undergoing particular treatments. Instead of laughing at it
and ignoring it, try to ease their fears by showing them how little the
injection needles are ! You can also show them educational videos, where your
partner could watch how the injections are administered or how a particular
surgery is performed. This will help in reducing their fears and concerns about
the treatment ! When your partner is worried about the financial aspect of a
particular treatment, please respect this -remember, that your financial security
is as important as having a baby ! Do not get emotional and blame that your
partner for being money-minded ! Respecting each other’s concern and giving
proper importance to their thought process plays a very important role in
amicably solving the disagreement.

To be one, to be united is a great thing. But to
respect the right to be different is maybe even greater. - Author Unknown

Be well informed !

It
is very important to be well-informed about your treatment options. Learn all
you can ! This will help in thinking clearly and agree or disagree with your
partner in a rational manner. Knowing the pros and cons of different treatment
options will also aid in solving the disagreement that arise between you and
your partner in a wise manner, so that you can reach a consensus which benefits
both !

Find a good counsellor

If
all your attempts in arriving at a mutually acceptable solution fail, it is
wise to turn to a counsellor who is knowledgeable about infertility and the
treatment options that are available. A counsellor can give a rational
and impartial view of the situation which can help both of you to see the truth
and resolve the conflict amicably.

Going through infertility is an excellent time to understand your
partner and build a strong, everlasting relationship. Relationships actually
get stronger during a time of crisis provided you have the maturity to make use
of your difficult marital times constructively ! Disagreements between couples
are very common when grappling with infertility, but make sure you disagree in
an agreeable way. It is important to “fight fairly” and find a way which will
lead to your most important goal – a baby ! Please do not “sacrifice”
your desires for each other’s sake – not all sacrifices create a happy ending.
Make sure that the decision you take about the treatment options will not leave
your partner hurt and wounded for life ! In your pursuit for having a baby do
not lose the essential ingredients in your relationship - Mutual LOVE, RESPECT
AND ADMIRATION !

1 comment:

I just read your post it is so well written every concept is clear. I also want a baby and having some problem in conceiving that's why my doctor suggest me IVF I just found your blog it has many useful posts thanks for sharing us.Surrogacy in India

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Disclaimer

Please note that I have no medical training or qualifications, and that the contents of this blog are thereof are opinions, not medical advice.

have medical training or qualifications, and that the contents thereof are opinions, not medical advice. - See more at: http://healthbeat.areavoices.com/2010/09/29/the-expert-patient/#sthash.YPxLA3EA.dpuf

have medical training or qualifications, and that the contents thereof are opinions, not medical advice. - See more at: http://healthbeat.areavoices.com/2010/09/29/the-expert-patient/#sthash.YPxLA3EA.dpufPlease note that I have no medical training or qualifications, and that the contents of this blog are thereof are opinions, not medical advice.

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I thrive on love and affection!

I am a 36 year old Indian woman, happily married for seven years. This blog captures the 7 year infertility journey we went through to have our daughter Anisha. I have to undergo7 IVF/ICSI cycles, three miscarriage (including a still birth where I lost my twins to incompetent cervix) and 3 FETs to have our little miracle in hand. This journey was excruciatingly painful at times yet shaped me in ways happy times wouldn't have. Looking back, I wonder about myself ! I feel proud that I was able to be sane and strong after so many IVFs and heartbreaking miscarriages. Now I am very happy and serene than if I would have had children without any problems ( a bit crazy too ! :) The secret is, infertility is a great teacher. It taught me to be strong, humble, resilient, rational, forgiving, empathizing and hopeful. BTW, I am a scientist by profession. I hold a doctorate degree in Human Biology and I believe my education has helped me to tackle infertility bravely. I would like to share my experience and knowledge which I gained during this happy struggle to meet our offspring with you all. If you could share with me your thoughts and experiences I will be very happy !