BOSTON—In a discovery shedding light on the famous macabre author’s less-acknowledged qualities, literary historians at Harvard University unearthed Wednesday dozens of uplifting poems and breezy short stories written by Edgar Allan Poe later in his life after he got into the habit of jogging. “Poe’s later, much more… Read more...

BOSTON—In a discovery shedding light on the famous macabre author’s less-acknowledged qualities, literary historians at Harvard University unearthed Wednesday dozens of uplifting poems and breezy short stories written by Edgar Allan Poe later in his life after he got into the habit of jogging. “Poe’s later, much more… Read more...

BOSTON—In a discovery shedding light on the famous macabre author’s less-acknowledged qualities, literary historians at Harvard University unearthed Wednesday dozens of uplifting poems and breezy short stories written by Edgar Allan Poe later in his life after he got into the habit of jogging. “Poe’s later, much more optimistic work makes it clear that the simple act of going for a short run every morning really improved his outlook and completely altered his writing style,” said researcher Dr. Bethany Smith, noting the author’s simple, healthy lifestyle change had evidently inspired previously unheard-of titles like The Joyous Day, The Happy Chickadee, and The Runner’s High, among dozens of other sparklingly cheerful works. “Though Poe may be known for his dark tone and gothic sensibility, these writings paint vivid pictures of young love’s ability to triumph and life’s small, beautiful moments. Diary entries from this period seem to indicate that he was in a better place and that he eventually even got down to a seven-minute mile.” Poe died in 1849 at age 40, having reverted back to a dark, humorless style of writing following a disastrous ACL tear.

WASHINGTON—Saying it was time to “get out the hog for one last ride,” former Vice President Joe Biden pulled the dusty painter’s tarp off of his old campaign motorcycle Wednesday, gently running his hand along the polished chrome headlight and muttering “welcome back, baby.” Read more...

WASHINGTON—Saying it was time to “get out the hog for one last ride,” former Vice President Joe Biden pulled the dusty painter’s tarp off of his old campaign motorcycle Wednesday, gently running his hand along the polished chrome headlight and muttering “welcome back, baby.”

WASHINGTON—Vowing to fight tooth and nail against what he called “an insidious smear campaign,” Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) announced Wednesday he was considering filing a defamation lawsuit against his official Twitter account for ruining his reputation. “The figure behind @DevinNunes has disparaged my good name in what… Read more...

WASHINGTON—Vowing to fight tooth and nail against what he called “an insidious smear campaign,” Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) announced Wednesday he was considering filing a defamation lawsuit against his official Twitter account for ruining his reputation. “The figure behind @DevinNunes has disparaged my good name in what… Read more...

WASHINGTON—Vowing to fight tooth and nail against what he called “an insidious smear campaign,” Rep. Devin Nunes (R-CA) announced Wednesday he was considering filing a defamation lawsuit against his official Twitter account for ruining his reputation. “The figure behind @DevinNunes has disparaged my good name in what appears to be a highly coordinated effort to make me look like some kind of whiny, impetuous idiot,” said the House Intelligence Committee’s ranking member, who accused the verified account of repeatedly posting and sharing content that has portrayed him as “a crackpot with abhorrent views” since the profile was first created in 2009. “The fact that Twitter has allowed this account to exist for nearly a decade is a major testament to the platform’s left-leaning bias. They’ve stood idly by and watched while my official account has spewed out nothing but drivel and lies. This is character assassination, pure and simple.” Nunes added that hopefully the lawsuit would serve as a stern warning to other outlets that have smeared him, including his official Facebook account, his official campaign website, and Nunes.house.gov.

Student loan debt in the United States has risen to $1.5 trillion owed by tens of millions of people, leading to calls for it to be wiped out, although opponents are concerned about the economic and ethical consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of canceling student loan debt. Read more...

Student loan debt in the United States has risen to $1.5 trillion owed by tens of millions of people, leading to calls for it to be wiped out, although opponents are concerned about the economic and ethical consequences. The Onion evaluates the pros and cons of canceling student loan debt.

ATHENS, OH—Confessing that he was completely blindsided by the request, parent Erik Schaff said Wednesday that his son Cody, 8, needed a full-body costume and 30 individually wrapped treats by tomorrow morning for some sort of school celebration. “Cody just handed me a note saying that the third grade is holding an… Read more...

ATHENS, OH—Confessing that he was completely blindsided by the request, parent Erik Schaff said Wednesday that his son Cody, 8, needed a full-body costume and 30 individually wrapped treats by tomorrow morning for some sort of school celebration. “Cody just handed me a note saying that the third grade is holding an… Read more...

ATHENS, OH—Confessing that he was completely blindsided by the request, parent Erik Schaff said Wednesday that his son Cody, 8, needed a full-body costume and 30 individually wrapped treats by tomorrow morning for some sort of school celebration. “Cody just handed me a note saying that the third grade is holding an event for some bullshit called ‘Friendship Day’ tomorrow, and he needs to dress up as a character from his favorite book and bring in a treat for some in-classroom picnic deal,” said Schaff, emphasizing that the celebration also evidently requires his son to memorize four lines of a poem his class would be performing in a pageant less than 24 hours from the time of the notification. “There’s a whole list of snack types to avoid due to allergies, and naturally, the brownies and marshmallow squares have already been reserved by other parents. The teachers are also strongly suggesting that I help Cody build a ‘Friendship Diorama’ to display during the ‘Friendship Fair’ in the afternoon. What the hell is this? And why do I have to sign a permission slip when they’re not leaving campus? Also, what does the $10 suggested donation go towards? Jesus Christ, Cody, seriously.” At press time, Schaff had resigned himself to taking the afternoon off work upon learning that most parents would be attending the assembly.

MENLO PARK, CA—Warning that users who call for the suspension of bigoted accounts might just be afraid of a real debate, Facebook representatives told reporters Tuesday that classifying hate speech can be difficult because some posts actually make very interesting points. “At Facebook, we are committed to combating… Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Warning that users who call for the suspension of bigoted accounts might just be afraid of a real debate, Facebook representatives told reporters Tuesday that classifying hate speech can be difficult because some posts actually make very interesting points. “At Facebook, we are committed to combating… Read more...

MENLO PARK, CA—Warning that users who call for the suspension of bigoted accounts might just be afraid of a real debate, Facebook representatives told reporters Tuesday that classifying hate speech can be difficult because some posts actually make very interesting points. “At Facebook, we are committed to combating violence and hate speech on our platform, but can you really call these posts hate speech when a lot of them are based on science and logic?” said Monika Bickert, head of global policy management at Facebook, claiming that unless you’re a sheep who just swallows everything the mainstream media sells you, a number of these posts had a lot to consider, and even if you don’t completely agree with the attacks on race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation, it should not be a crime to make people think. “If you’re as open-minded as you claim, you will see that while some of these posts cross the line, many of them are really nuanced and make good points. Of course, everyone should feel safe on Facebook, but it’s hard to determine what’s threatening because the more you watch these videos, the more you realize that Islam might be incompatible with west. Maybe people are just scared of hearing the truth.” Bickert added that if people were such big fans of policing speech, she had some eye-opening videos on globalism she could share on Facebook.

BURBANK, CA—In an effort to better integrate its values into the heart of its brand, the Walt Disney Company announced Tuesday it had decided to rehire writer–director James Gunn to helm Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 3 as part of a company-wide push to embrace pedophilia. “Pedophiles have always had an important role… Read more...

BURBANK, CA—In an effort to better integrate its values into the heart of its brand, the Walt Disney Company announced Tuesday it had decided to rehire writer–director James Gunn to helm Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 3 as part of a company-wide push to embrace pedophilia. “Pedophiles have always had an important role… Read more...

BURBANK, CA—In an effort to better integrate its values into the heart of its brand, the Walt Disney Company announced Tuesday it had decided to rehire writer–director James Gunn to helm Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 3 as part of a company-wide push to embrace pedophilia. “Pedophiles have always had an important role to play at Disney, but now more than ever we want to put people who have sex with children front and center,” said company spokesperson Eloise Andrade, who explained that the decision to fire Gunn from the Marvel franchise had come only after the filmmaker angered Disney executives by apologizing for his 2009 tweets about enjoying pedophilia. “From John Lasseter to Harvey Weinstein, this company has a rich history of sexual predation, so Mr. Gunn, with his public endorsement of man–boy love, was always a good fit at Disney. We’re glad to have him back as we move forward with our plan to inject a pedophilic spirit into everything we create, be it a Marvel film that centers on Baby Groot or an extended release of 1928’s Steamboat Willie in which Mickey Mouse is shown to be transporting bound-and-gagged children in his ship’s cargo hold.” Andrade was quick to add that producers would be keeping a close eye on Gunn to make sure he does not try issuing any more apologies for the intense sexual yearnings he feels toward young children.