How much detail should I include in application letter examples?

It's hard to tell from just a small extract. I would like to hear about the outcomes, so might even turn it round.My pupils have increased their ability to do X and Y through the use of video cameras to . . .
Best wishes!
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TheoGriff. Member of the TES Careers Advice Service.
For the full TES Weekend Workshop programme please visit www.tes.co.uk/careerseminars or contact advice@tes.co.uk for one-to-one sessions.
I am contributing to the Moving into SLT and Headshipseminar on 5th May