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Topic: I'd like to host Thanksgiving (Read 12817 times)

Your problem is that you feel you need these people's permission to do things. You don't. Do what's right for your family. There may be some social fallout (when is there not?), but take strength from the fact that you're doing what's right for you. As for plans you don't want to participate in, don't JADE. A simple "that won't be possible" when they ask you to rearrange Christmas to suit their schedules.

From your last post, it sounds like SIL is the golden child and your DH is in 2nd place. That's a dynamic that you should discuss and decide what you want to do about it.

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Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.

Agreeing with PPs, and noting that your ILs do not appear to *be* easy-going people, though they do seem to have an expectation that you will not disagree significantly with the concept that their wishes/schedules/desires trump yours.

Your wishes/schedule/desires are *no less important* than theirs.

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Never refuse to do a kindness unless the act would work great injury to yourself, and never refuse to take a drink -- under any circumstances.Mark Twain

Honestly, I think you got a raw deal. You want to host while your girls are young? Do it! You want to share your family traditions and create new ones? So do it! You certainly don't need your MIL's permission to do so.

Yeah, I can't help but get the feeling that she just put you off, and that in 3 years she will find some reason why she has to keep doing it. I really think you need to cook your own T-day dinner, with your hubby, kids and anyone who wants to come on the actual day. If she still wants to do one later in December that's fine too. I have wonder Thanksgiving memories with my mom, dad & brother. We were military and I don't think I've ever had a t-day dinner with extended family.

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What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

I spoke with MIL this evening, and I feel pretty good with the resolution. They had a few suggestions including me taking other holidays, etc. Then she mentioned how she waited for so many years to host because when her kids were little, they always had to travel. (Her mom made her expectations loud and clear, and she fell in line.) ...

My mother is pulling the same $%^^ with me right now. Although when I was 8 we moved, so no travelling after that. (Christmas is what we care about. T-day is just a warm-up for the BIG holiday) The fact that I have ZERO memories of holidays before we moved, but many vivid memories before we moved has had no impact.

OP it sounds like you have very rigid expectations regarding what makes a Thanksgiving celebration count.

It must: -Be on the proper day-Have specific dishes -Include most extended family

The problem is that you can't control all of those factors. You can have your own meal at your house with the dishes and leftovers that you desire, but you can't make everyone agree to join you. You can bring the dishes you want to your in-laws and make that count. (I personally hate that option, transporting large dishes is a pain in the rear).

What does your husband want?

You know what? I think I do. I've been thinking about this. For the past 10 years, since we moved to DH's hometown, I have been celebrating every family holiday according to DH's traditions. I have come to realize that my family's traditions are disappearing, and I am not having the chance to share them with my daughters. My grandparents and parents are all deceased, so they aren't even around to tell my girls what our family holidays were like.

I understand MIL has the desire that our kids have memories of holidays at her house. But you know what? They will. She hosts Xmas Eve every year as well as Easter.

When I explained this to DH last night, he understood where I was coming from and thought my feelings were valid. We will see MIL tonight, so I would like to discuss it again.

Not surprisingly, I agree with you. I have been in EXACTLY your same spot. Including having a relative who said, "Someday I'll have to give this up, so I want to hold onto it for now." In my case, the end was definitely in sight--that relative's health was bad, and the very next year, she was out of the rotation. And, in my case the other holidays were not being hogged by one person. (And I don't see anything wrong with being a little rigid about Thanksgiving.)

I think your DH should open the conversation, and say, "Mom, we've decided--we're going to make dinner on Thanksgiving Day. We hope you will join us. I know you like it that your grandchildren have great memories of holidays at your home. But they are our children, and we want them to have memories of holidays in OUR home. We hope you and Dad will join us."

End.

Then between now and then, feel free to make whatever casual mention is normal: "I'm going to practice chicken gravy this weekend," or "I saw a great brussels sprouts recipe Imight try out on thanksgiving."

Act as if it is a done deal. Because it is.

If you think MIL and FIL won't attend, then find other "family" and invite them. That will be the first step to claiming it. And when MIL and FIL invite you, say, "No, we have plans for that other weekend in December, we won't be able to come."

Don't talk about your boundaries--live them.

And maybe MIL and FIL will never give up the idea of hosting "the family Thanksgiving." OK. But your kids will have the opportunity to see how you host a holiday.

(though if I were DH, I'd be really tempted to say, in the follow-up conversations that are sure to come, "Mom, you're hogging all the holidays! You already get Easter and Christmas! Don't be piggy.")

I am going to be in your MIL's shoes--it's only very recently that I have been "allowed" to host a holiday, and I'm going to have to share it with the other members of my generation. They're younger than me, almost by a generation themselves.

I hope I don't get quite so vacation-hoggy as your MIL is (three?). And you might remind your MIL that SHE is putting you into the same position that she was in--being shut out of creating the holiday memories for your own children.

And I think next year you should say, "I don't want to wait three years. I want to do it this year."

It sounds like your MIL isn't going to be doing celebrations on the actual day, so I'm confused as to what would keep you from making your traditional holiday foods and doing your own celebration with your DH and kids at your home.

It sounds like your MIL isn't going to be doing celebrations on the actual day, so I'm confused as to what would keep you from making your traditional holiday foods and doing your own celebration with your DH and kids at your home.

It sounds like her celebrations are a smaller food type affair with a few more people in a totally different month. Why not start making Thanksgiving traditions with your family this year on the right day? You don't need extended family to come this year or the next few years, just enjoy it and make traditions with your daughters and husband. Little ones can "help" mash potatoes or make salads. And you'll be able to enjoy the multitude of leftovers.

It sounds like your MIL isn't going to be doing celebrations on the actual day, so I'm confused as to what would keep you from making your traditional holiday foods and doing your own celebration with your DH and kids at your home.

I was thinking the same thing... Just host your Thanksgiving on that day and invite whomever you want, and if MIL wants to do "Thanksgiving" on a different day, let her. People can easily go to both - it's not like you'll be competing for that day.

She doesn't always host a different day, but it has happened on occasion.

I think her plan is to have Thanksgiving on the actual day. If not, I'm definitely making my own meal for our family. One year that it was a different day, I didn't know (either DH didn't mention or I didn't have the right date in my head), but it wasn't until Wed ending that I learned we had no thrush day meal for the next day. So, I'm under the impression she means Thursday this time around. If not, then hurray for me. But still, it would be nice to actually host prole when you go through that much effort.

Same for Christmas. I asked DH if he could suggest perhaps a Xmas eve brunch with his family this year. I think it's a possible solution since we wouldn't have to deal with early bedtimes or crabby kids, and it would still feel like the actual holiday. I'm really not keen on celebrating on random days when it means on the actual holiday we will be all alone. It seems silly. And when the reason is because they made plans with the other family members, it can be a bit hurtful. I realize nephew dinging in church could be a big deal for some people, so I'm trying to keep it in perspective and not take it personally. DH thinks they didn't invite us originally because it was something they knew we would not be interested in - and they'd be right.

When my kids were little, and I was still married, I took over Thanksgiving every other year. My MIL was happy with that arrangement. 3 sons, and I'm the only daughter in-law that made the effort. We had a rule too, when you are at my house, you sit and relax. No helping required, and the same went when we ate at the inlaws. After all the years of her being the go to house, she was happy to have someone else do it. Same with Christmas, she did Christmas Eve, and I did Christmas Day. She still comes to functions/dinners at my house that I have for my girls as well as for my granddaughter. My ex FIL doesn't come anymore due to health issues, but I always pack up a plate for him when she leaves.

To be perfectly honest, I can't wait until one of my daughter's wants to take over the hosting duties! I will cede most gladly!

I am required to work every other holiday (airport, runs 24-7) and the holidays alternate every year. This year I have Thanksgiving off, (and my Grandson is due to arrive around then too! ) but because I work 2nd shift, I have to work Christmas Eve as well as Christmas Day. So the celebration will be at my place on the 28th. They will go to their Dad's, and Grandparents, so by the time the 28th rolls around, my Granddaughter won't be so tired as she has been in the last couple of years, so it is a win-win situation.

Holidays on my side are always at my parents' house, because they have the most room. Several years ago (ten or more, I think), I offered to make fajitas for Thanksgiving dinner. No one in my family is really all that thrilled about the traditional turkey and trimmings meals, and everyone claims to like my fajitas, so it went over well. It wasn't until the second year that Mom said something about how nice it was not to have to do everything. We have continued the tradition of fajitas for T-Day, and my mom makes pies (pumpkin and apple, usually) and reimburses us for the groceries, and my husband and I take care of the rest.

I realized, reading this thread, that we (my sisters and I) haven't done much, if anything, to take the load off mom for hosting. She's in her early seventies now, so perhaps we should start picking up more of the responsibilities...