of letting go, and moving on

i’m such an emotional person. sometimes to the point of being OA. but i just realized that i’m not good at expressing, vocally, emotions — especially negative emotions. i clam up when i try to confront people with my negative emotions that’s why i’m never good at confrontations. thus i just suck them in, and delete delete delete into the recycle bin. i don’t like to linger on negative emotions, it’s such a waste of time and energy. i always think that the world has bigger problems, that it’s so pathetic to dwindle on my me me me look-at-me ‘sadness.’

i always consider myself a happy-go-lucky person. so when i get sad lately, i have a hard time acknowledging and accepting it. it cannot be, i’m a happy person. so i tried to repress it, bury it but i just end up disappointed of myself because the sadness is still there. and, so i end up more depressed rock bottom because i feel so defeated.

i don’t want to be a loser so i tried to attack it in all kind of ways. my first step was to finally accept that i’m indeed depress. when it still did not work, i went with the suggestions of some friends. i tried going out. i read books, i followed a telenovela. caffeine became my bestfriend — for immediate high. i colored my nails. i pray. and, when all fails, i blamed mark. but still there it is lurking around. so only i’m not more depressed, defeated, i’m also frustrated. frustrated on why i can’t get out of the pit. i come to hate myself for being so helpless, for not knowing the answer.

then i realized that i’m fighting like a blind man because i fail to figure out what was causing my being depressed. i guess, it’s because want a quick fix, i just strike on anything.

finally after months, eureka, i now know why i’m depressed. back before i gave birth to mateo, i already prepared myself for the changes that will come with the new baby — aside from losing sleep, i’ll be just at home most of the time, less contact with outside world. but i fail to predict that i will ‘lose’ a friend, my bff. =)

every time i get pregnant and have a baby, i became autistic. as much as possible, i don’t socialize. so for the past 3 or 4 years, the only person i have most contact with is my one and only mark.

with the new baby, mostly by choice, i get myself stuck in the house. while mark has to work his ass off because he needs to support a barangay. and, when i mean work it’s like coming home 11pm as the earliest which by that time, i already dozed off. in short, i no longer see my only friend. times when i need someone to talk to, he’s ‘out of coverage.’

at his work, for them to unwind/bond, they have these movie night outs, dinner out, computer games/dota nights with his workmates — he’s having fun. then, they go on trips and whatever fun things. mark is having fun, and he deserves it. i cannot help myself but feel so left out. i have hard time connecting with him when he talks about work, their adventures and such.

then it hits me, i am envious/jealous. i feel like he’s having all the fun, and i’m not. and that feeling is so intoxicating because i’m beginning to hate him, his work, and even his workmates.

but most of all, the very thing that really makes me sad is that i feel like i lose my one and only friend. i’m no longer part of his fun times. i’m no longer the friend he shares fun times with. i’m no longer the friend who he looks forward to. i feel like his work/workmates is stealing him from me.

it’s like your very best friend/your roommate for all your college life has a new set of cool friends and they do fun things together. and, when you see each other, he talks about their adventures and future adventures which does not include you of course. then, you suddenly become the old boring friend.

now that i’m able to point out the very reason of my depression, i can heave a big sigh of relief because i already know how to attack it. so my solution, let go! i cannot cage mark so that i will not lose him. i cannot let him wait for me until i’m ready to go on an adventure. it would be so unfair to him.

as they say, ‘if you love someone, set him free.’ so i’m setting him free. and, i will move on with my life too. some day, our paths will cross again.