Rick Holmes: Crimes of sons and the failures of fathers

Children are full of surprises, some of them wonderful. Lucky parents — and I'm one — are often amazed at how well their offspring have turned out. We ask ourselves, “What did I do to raise such a great kid?”Children are full of surprises, some of them wonderful. Lucky parents — and I'm one ̵...

Children are full of surprises, some of them wonderful. Lucky parents — and I’m one — are often amazed at how well their offspring have turned out. We ask ourselves, “What did I do to raise such a great kid?”

Other dads aren’t so lucky. Their children are troubled inside — depressed, impulsive, anxious, anti-social, angry, addicted to drugs — and they get into trouble for it. The dads — the good ones, at least — try everything: therapists, tutors, discipline, special schools, “tough love.” They blame themselves, and ask “When is this kid going to straighten out?”

Most of the time, they do. My grandmother used to say, “He’s got to go over Fool’s Hill and get to the other side.”

Some kids never make it to the other side. Sometimes the cutest children grow up to be killers. Like Adam Lanza, who killed 28 people, including his mother and himself, one dark day in Newtown, Conn.

Or like Jared Remy, whose lifetime of second chances ran out when he stabbed his girlfriend to death in their Waltham apartment. Through 19 arrests, his father, Red Sox broadcaster Jerry Remy, came to his aid with lawyers, psychiatrists and promises to help. He kept hoping his son would outgrow the outbursts, the jealousy, the steroid abuse, the demons that kept surfacing.

“We did the best we possibly could,” said Remy, who is back in the broadcast booth at Fenway after taking a leave last year following Jared’s arrest. “We failed, we failed. It’s that plain and simple.”

Adam Lanza’s mother takes most of the criticism for enabling her son’s killing spree. She’s the one who decided sport shooting would be good therapy for her son, who was hooked on video games. She’s the one who bought the guns, and left them in the house unsecured.

Peter Lanza, Adam’s dad, was divorced, but kept in touch by email as his son’s mental condition worsened. In a long interview with a New Yorker reporter, Peter explained he now believes his son’s Asperger’s symptoms masked a deeper psychopathy.

Adam refused to see his dad for the two years that preceded his shooting spree. “I had to give him space,” Peter decided. “He’ll get more mature; I’ll just keep doing what I can, staying involved.”

“With hindsight, I know Adam would have killed me in a heartbeat, if he’d had the chance. I don’t question that for a minute. The reason he shot Nancy four times was one for each of us: one for Nancy; one for him; one for (his brother) Ryan; one for me.”

Page 2 of 2 - Jerry Remy is one of the most popular figures on the Boston sports scene. He grew up in Massachusetts, played second base for the Sox in the ‘70s and ‘80s, and has been a funny, engaging color commentator for 25 years. In 2009 he fought lung cancer and depression, and was admirably candid about it. The depression was worse by far, he said.

Now his family’s pain has become a professional problem, with everyone from sports talk show callers to newspaper editorial writers saying he should get out of broadcasting, at least until his son’s trial this fall.

Jerry and his wife Phoebe have taken criticism for “enabling” Jared’s misbehavior by hiring lawyers that kept him out of prison. Jerry admits as much, but doesn’t apologize for trying to get Jared psychological help instead of hard time.

There’s a “scared straight” fallacy, indulged in by those quick to criticize other parents’ decisions, that what kids like Jared need is a few months behind bars. It assumes prison guards and convicted criminals are the best therapists. But prison doesn’t cure people. With rare exceptions, they come out of jail more violent and crazy than when they went in.

Jail didn’t fix Jared either. He was held for 81 days in the Middlesex County Jail in 2005. Someone who worked there told me the guards, well-acquainted with the worst of the worst, had a special contempt for Jared. “He was a jerk the day he came in, and a jerk the day he got out,” he said.

Some people love to get into other families’ business, but I’m one father who won’t second-guess the actions of either Jerry Remy or Peter Lanza. Nor will I join the chorus of those demanding Jerry leave his job. That’s a decision for his employers to make, based on business considerations. Will people stop watching the World Champion Red Sox because they are distracted by the crimes of the son of the broadcaster? Not many, I’d bet.

Besides, I haven’t heard anyone demanding Peter Lanza lose his job because his son killed 20 school children and six staff members.

Maybe Jerry Remy and Peter Lanza are bad fathers. Surely they wish they had done something — anything — that could have stopped their sons from killing.

But it’s not up to employers or TV viewers to punish fathers for whatever it is they did or did not do. The crimes of their children are punishment enough.

Rick Holmes, opinion editor for the MetroWest Daily News, Framingham, blogs at Holmes & Co. He can be reached at rholmes@wickedlocal.com. Follow him on Twitter @HolmesAndCo.