Oct 2, 2007

We always wonder how the hell we can make clients and bosses happy. It’s just a way of life because more often than not, it seems they have some massive bug up their ass and nothing you do is remotely near what they want to see and nothing you say is even deemed admissible in the court of work. So in hopes of helping people negotiate clients and bosses, here are a few suggestions for lines, thoughts or statements you can say to either group and what it is you really want to say with each statement.

Lets start with your bosses.

What they want to hear:

“Don’t worry, I don’t need the raise that bad and besides, I have to think about the company.”

What you really want to say:

“It’s not like I don’t know you’re a cheapskate always ready and willing to invest in new $300 golf shorts, so I’ll take this stance so I can at least keep this fucking job until I can go to a place that sucks just as bad but will pay me the measly 5K I think I deserve for having put up with your shit for this long.”

What they want to hear:

“What can I do to help the company?”

What you mean with those sweet words:

“What do you want me to do on a Saturday without paying me and looking for the cheapest food to give me?”

What they want to hear:

“I totally understand your point of view and will work arduously to better my attitude at the work place.”

What you want to say:

“Blow me, you know I’m right but since you’re the president’s son I have to put up with your bullshit.”

What they want you to say:

“It’s totally fine if I have to come in on Sunday.”

What’s between your lines:

“Keep it up fucker, one day I’ll sue your ass for employee abuse. That way maybe you won’t enjoy weekends on your yacht while the slave trade keeps generating money for you.”

What they want to hear:

“I really like working here. It’s like a family.”

What you’re saying:

“You know I have to say this and hey, the Menendez were also a family. Maybe I’ll get some good ideas for a change.”

Now what about those lovely clients we have to deal with, here are a few nuggets you might want to pass on. See the effects and lavish in the knowledge that you deserve an Oscar for your skills at hypocrisy.

What your client wants to hear:

“Sure, I can have that done by tomorrow.”

What you forgot to say:

“It’s not like you’ll approve it before the month’s over.”

What they want to hear:

“Sure thing, we’ll give your more options by the end of the day.”

What you left out of your message:

“We’re going to half ass it, haul ass because of your caprices and you’ll pick the layout that closest resembles a shitty ad from the 80’s. Enjoy your latte, I hope you get the shits.”

What you supposedly should tell a client:

“No worries, we’re on call 24/7.”

What you neglected to mention:

“Which gives me even more opportunities to ignore your phone calls.”

What they want to hear:

“I can see where you’re coming from, we’ll make those changes right away.”

What you meant:

“I can also see you’re a moron worried about the font on your legals and that these changes aren’t needed since this campaign isn’t approved.”

What they’d LOVE to hear:

“Of course you can come to the brain storm session. Great ideas can come from any place.”

What you mean:

“And I’ll go do your market report since we can obviously do each others jobs. And great ideas should be able to come from any place, but last I checked, I can’t grow an orchard in a dessert and your creative nickname should be the Sahara from all the brilliant bits of insight we get from you including color changes based on your opinion of the color spectrum.”

What they want to hear:

“It’s always great to work with a client like you.”

What you’re saying:

“Right, it’s not like I’d enjoy doing something creative with some strategy on it rather than rehashing ads you made with Microsoft Paint.”

Either list can go on and on so feel free to add your two cents and see how much venom you have for these two charming groups that serve to nourish our professional experiences on a daily basis.