Monday, July 20, 2009

Ask Doctor Fraudstein

Dear Dr Fraudstein, I am a politician who has recently been described as looking like a 'Mini-Me' of another, much larger politician. Does this mean I have a smaller or larger ego than the larger politician, and will I some day get to lead the council if I just do what he says? J.

Dr Fraudstein writes: Hmmmm. You have been described as a 'Mini-Me', but how does that make you feel? My fee for this session will be £100.

Dear Dr Fraudstein, I am a politician who has recently been described as 'Pinocchio' by another politician. I think this may be because I work with national politicians and sometimes have to tell 'porky pies' on their behalf. Would it be wrong to spin this in my favour by implying that my nose isn't the only thing that gets larger whenever I'm 'economical with the vérité'? M.

Dr Fraudstein writes: Hmmmm. You have been described as 'Pinocchio', but how does that make you feel? My fee for this session will be £100.

Dear Dr Fraudstein, I am a politician who has recently been chastised by the Standards Committee for my behaviour in a cardigan shop. Wank. This has happened twice now and I'm flippin' browned off with it. Fuck tosser. Should I resign and retire to my yacht on the Med? S. (PS: Somebody else advised St Johns Wort for the Tourettes but it does not fuck seem to be working wank toss knackers. Axminster.)Dr Fraudstein writes: Hmmmm. Please see the nurse on the way out for your haloperidol injection. My fee for this session will be £100.That's enough Dr Fraudstein - Ed.

There once was a young man called Worrow, Who asked Mark "Do you have a suit I could borrow?"Mark said "Of course, but they are all red""I'm sure you'd rather be seen dead""If you want blue just ask Roger tomorrow"

Interesting that Cllr. Nottingham has maintained a dignified silence since his last posting. It's a pity Parish Councillor/community volunteer Worrow and his friends, family and colleagues can't do likewise.

Oh, I forgot, none of his colleagues has said anything to support him, at least they haven't put their names to any of the pro-Worrow postings. Perhaps they find the whole business embarrassing to the Tory Party.

Does anyone remember those competitions in newspapers where you had to spot Lobby Ludd at various seaside locations and could win a £5 if you challenged him?

Can we now have a competition on the lines of 'I've spotted John Worrow posting as anonymous so can I claim my £5?'

John, if you're going to post anonymously please learn how to spell 'Nottingham'.

To anonymous attacking Isabel Smith- totally unjustified criticism. How do you know what the poster has achieved in life unless you know her? How do you know she doesn't know him? Do you know all his friends/neighbours/colleagues by name? Unless, of course, this is from John Worrow then he would know/not know Isabel.

It's interesting that none of the good folk supporting Mr. Worrow give names at the bottom of their postings and I haven't seen any from his colleagues by name.

Can we please call a halt to all this. It's getting really boring now.

Ah, but not when he posted several highly critical messages on Councillor Ken Gregory's blog not too long ago. 'Nottingham' was spelt 'Nottingtom' and 'Nottington'. Odd that the anonymous poster on here also spelt it 'Nottingtom'but perhaps he thought no-one would notice.

Overheard in Thanet

Is your hot chocolate gluten free?Man at kioskJust wait til I get hold of yer, yer cunt. Yer fuckin' door won't save yer!Man on phone in streetThere were dead bodies everywhere at my fuckin' birfday do. No, seriously, my missus had to give one bloke CPR!Man on phone in streetYer can't smoke in a petrol station can yer? Fuck it, I'm gonna light up anyway. If I blow meself up I'm gonna charge you compensation!Woman to staff member at petrol stationWhat happened to all those Socialist Workers eh? They joined the bloody Labour Party, that's what!Man to woman in WaitroseSo I grabbed the fuckin' potato peeler and stabbed the cunt.Man sitting outside barTwitter? That's the bit between a bird's twat and her shitter, isn't it?Man on trainYou know the medicine they give us was invented by the Germans in WW2 for their troops, so they could be shot?Man on streetYeah, well, he's a fucking bald headed cunt.Man at Margate football matchYou better choose your sweets, inch yer! I'm not a bleedin' psychic, inn I?Woman to small childI like haring but I don't like it when the dog just bites into it an' it fuckin' screams and then you 'ave to go an' chop it.Man in restaurantI'm a registered businessman!Man on phone in streetI luv 'im, even though 'e raped me an' bit me. 'Cos 'e respecks me.Woman talking to man in streetChild to baboon in animal park: 'Ello!Mother: Don't talk, MatthewChild: Why?Mother: 'Cos it's an animal.

If you come on and start having a go at Margate, it immediately puts everyone's shackles up.

Man talking about the warm-up act at the Alexei Sayle gig at the Theatre Royal, Margate'We are not expecting widespread flooding; however precautions have been deployed and we are doing our upmost to ensure all areas are secure and protected.'Thanet Council press release

Did You Know?

Richard's Thanisaurus

Bignews Margaten. a fatuous blog that pays lip service to 'freedom of speech' but shits its britches at the first sign of trouble. Contributor: anonymous.

Much of the reason we experience noise on landing over Ramsgate is because training flights are precisely that. Half the time the pilots get too low and have to put their engines on... They are training and get it wrong! - Local pilot

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Corrections and Additions

Eastcliff Richard is an opinion-based blog. If you disagree with something you read, feel free to leave a comment to that effect. If you want to take it further, a friendly request for a correction or addition, stating your reasons, will almost certainly get better results, and cost you less, than instructing a lawyer. Email richardeastcliff@yahoo.co.uk

It may be crap, but your self congratulatory hype is hugely entertaining - Anonymous

In Ramsgate, Eastcliff Richard punning on the town’s division into East and West Cliffs takes the palm, its witty creator concealed behind the persona of a media moghul who might, to judge from accompanying sketch, have been played by Terry Thomas. - Country Life

I have asked Eastcliff Richard to remove defamatory statements, he has refused, make of it what you will. - Tony Flaig, Bignews Margate

The King of Thanet bloggers - Ray Parker

Unceasingly defeatist - Save Dreamland Campaign

An anonymous spouter of spiteful drivel - Tory Councillor Chris Wells

A lazy, workshy, badly educated, sexually defective, ugly, scummy loser with delusions of grandeur stuck in a tiny little world which he seems to regard as fascinating. - The real Rebecca

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The Thanet Daily is a humour/satire/local gossip blog based on the Isle of Thanet in Kent. Opinions expressed on this site may not be suitable for minors, wilting flowers, or duffers. The content, opinions and comments contained in this blog do not necessarily reflect the views of its author(s), fictional or otherwise. The Thanet Daily accepts no responsibility legal or otherwise for their accuracy of content. The Thanet Daily is not responsible for the content of external internet sites. Actually, if truth be told, the whole thing is a crock of shit.