Spinderella Sproul: Lessons In Spin With RC Sproul Jr

"We should speak clearly, forthrightly and call our leaders back to honesty. We should demand the truth, and refuse to be put to sleep. And those 'leaders' who play those games must also be put to shame, and out to pasture."
RC Sproul Jr on "Spin" in Every Thought Captive, Vol. 5, Issue 5

Monday, January 02, 2006

RC Sproul Jr Announces Beer Church

News Release: RC Sproul Jr. Announces "Beer Church"

RC
Sproul Jr recently announced that he's stepping down as pastor of the
Mendota parish of St. Peter Presbyterian Church to pursue full-time his
fund raising efforts for the Highlands Study Center. The heat has just
gotten way too intense in the kitchen, so it's time for RC to move on.
But that doesn't mean that just by stepping down his problems are all
over. Because
of the likelihood that RC Sproul Jr could get the boot from the RPCGA,
and because he really needs to have the Highlands Study Center under
some kind of a church (to at least try and give the appearance that it's not just a sham), RC's announced plans to start a new church.

RC
Sproul Jr has aptly named his new church "Beer Church," and he makes no
pretenses about his goals. He's also announced that he's not going to be
part of any other denomination that would have the unmitigated gall to
want to hold him accountable to some annoying standards that are just a
nuisance to a freewheeling Scotsman like RC Sproul Jr. RC wants a church
where there's never a "last call" on the booze, and no pesky Presbytery
telling him what to do. RC's
motto used to be "We're Presbyterians so we smoke and we drink." But
now he's all done with being a Presbyterian, and since he gave up
smoking and chewing tobacco, now the motto will simply be, "Beer Church,
we drink!"

"I'm
really fed up with all those whiny pantywaists who come and visit St.
Peter and they get all offended just because we like to have parties and
get liquored up. Keggers and whiskey binges have been a big part of my
life ever since I was just a little kid growing up in Ligonier,
Pennsylvania. Do people really expect that just because I'm an ordained
pastor I should have to give up throwing keggers? That's stupid.
Besides which, if I had to cut back on the drinking I think it'd cause me to stumble."

"I'll
admit that in the past I wasn't real up front with people who came to
visit St. Peter church about what I was all about. 'Saint Peter
Presbyterian Church' after all doesn't especially sound real disclosing
about the fact that we're partyers. We thought about changing the name
to 'Saint Peter Let's Get Liquored Up Presbyterian Church,' but that's
just way too long. But 'Beer Church' is short and sweet, and now no one
will have any excuses to not know what we're all about."

"Our
plan is within a year or so to start a second parish. Next to beer I
really like whiskey, so I think our second church we'll call 'Whiskey
Church.' Our third parish is kind of a toss up between 'Tequila Church'
or 'Margarita Church.' I do like tequila, but not nearly as much as
Scotch whiskey. If I'm gonna toss back a few shots I'd rather be downing
a good Scotch whiskey than tequila. We're really into diversity here,
so it'll be really nice giving people a choice of their favorite liquor,
umm, I mean church."

RC
Sproul Jr will need to be raising money fast for his new church, so
he's offering ordinations in Beer Church. If you've ever wanted to be an
ordained minister, here's your big chance. For a limited time RC will
personally ordain you for a mere $1,000.00, and you'll get this
certificate of ordination, suitable for framing. Now you too can become a
certified "Rev. Right Honorable Partymaster, etc. etc."

And for a limited time only, along with your ordination certificate you'll also receive your very own church sign. Act quickly. This is a limited-time offer, and RC doesn't hand these things out to just anyone.

And for a limited
time RC Sproul Jr is now offering a terrific promotional item. With the
purchase of every Beer Church ordination you'll receive your very own
"Beer Is Drunk" pool toy, with this imprinted inebriated, er,
inspirational message from RC Sproul Jr himself:

Summer is just beer!

Beer is drunk and

it is feeling invigorating!

Family
ordinations are also available so that you can take advantage of the
opportunity to get every member of your family a "Beer Is Drunk" pool
toy.Act quickly! Supplies are limited. RC Jr wants to see every member of your family "feeling invigorating."

The Basement Tapes will now be referred to as "Boozement Tapes." Expect to see the first set of Boozement Tapes out within the next few weeks.

UPDATE: On January 26, 2006 RC Sproul Jr was defrocked
from the ministry. If you'd still like an ordination in RC Sproul Jr's
Beer Church, don't let that dissuade you though. Your ordination will
still be every bit as valid as it is for RC to continue serving as the
pastor of St. Peter Presbyterian Church, and just as valid as it is for
him to continue calling himself by the title "Rev."