Sunday, 28 February 2010

Saturday, 27 February 2010

The latest issue of Cats Protection's quarterly magazine, The Cat, is out now, including my regular column. Ralph seems to approve, but is living in a dreamworld if he thinks he can think the arse of that tabby on the cover.

Tuesday, 23 February 2010

Name?My PROPER name is Salem, but they all call me Fatty. Yes, the vet advised me to lose a little weight when I was younger, but that was only kitten-fat and it’s all just my voluminous belly fur now. Fur, I tell you.

Catchphrase?Brrrrreum? (this translates as ‘I want food/letting out/letting in/picking up/I don’t know what I want but I feel vaguely dissatisfied with life and want you to come downstairs and ask me what’s wrong’ – repeat until achieve desired result).

Favourite habits? Lying on open newspapers, accurately targeting the article that is currently being read. Beating up my sister who looks at me funny. Interrupting HER meditation and getting HER to stroke me before the timer goes. Lying flat on my back with my belly up and four paws in the air. Don’t touch my stomach!

What constitutes a perfect evening for you? Catching and eating a small creature whole (but leaving that organ that tastes horrible) before curling up on HER lap, listening to Nick Drake and falling asleep to dream of eating small creatures and eating them whole (but leaving that organ that tastes horrible).

Any enemies? That mean white farm cat who keeps making me bleed. I think he was cross-bred with a puma or something.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?Abolishing cat biscuits for breakfast, even if SHE does think meat smells disgusting in the mornings. Or maybe abolishing nylon – I can’t bear the feeling of synthetic fibres underneath my paws.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why? Jabba The Hut. I’m told I’m the spitting image of him when I sit back and wash my lower belly.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw would you like to be stuck in a lift with?The Bear. I think we could be mates.

Brief biography? A successful early career as cutest kitten. Further cuteness success when I pat HER on the hand whilst she’s typing to encourage stroking, or put a paw around HER arm for a proper cathug. Less success in cat fights – even when I did leap ninja-like into the air above a ditch with my former nemesis – but I still think I’m the hardest. Currently curled into a ball with my catnip mouse.

Sunday, 21 February 2010

Setting A PissidentTo urinate in a completely new and innovative place, instigating a trend for such action amongst your fellow felines. Born leaders but also kind of snotty, cats who set a pissident know that their originality comes at a price, and, upon seeing others follow lamely in their wake, can often be heard to mutter comments like "here come the mindless vultures, picking over the corpse of my brilliance" and "now I know how The Beatles must have felt when they heard the Marmalade's cover of Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da."

Monday, 15 February 2010

Anyone whose spent any real time on the I Can Has Cheezburger site will be aware of the phenomenon of Ceiling Cat, and those with more religiously inclined felines might be pleased to discover they can now make their own image of the deity to watch over their moggies, using this simple template . I can't help wondering, though, if there is a Basement Cat template as well, as that might be a more appropriate emblem for my less churchly moggy household.

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

Name?George Harrison, born on 29th Nov 2001, the day the Beatle died. Breeder heard the news story and decided to see if anyone had officially registered a cat as George Harrison. They hadn't. So I am he. My sister has jumped on bandwagon and is now named after another icon, Dusty Springfield. But she ISN'T official.

Nicknames?Apparently owner had owned a "George" in a less fulfilled life , so I'm Harrison. Wobbly human logic means sister is "Springfield" so everyone thinks she's something to do with cartoons. To look at her, you'd agree.

Favourite habits? Killing socks. Making sister's life a total nightmare.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you? The above.

Favourite food? Mayonnaise

Defining moment of your life? Falling off off first floor windowsill when *someone* shut curtains suddenly. Now have broken front tooth.

Any enemies? What do you think?

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?Less moaning about gas bills, get that heating on 24/7.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why? Mr Hellmann.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw would you like to be stuck in a lift with?Line them up. I'll take them all on.

Brief biography? Still much to do but suspect I will be remembered for revealing collection of neighborhood socks. I have stolen from THE VERY BEST in West London. I drag them to my food bowl and crunch them with my biscuits.