Kingdom of Boring

My hate affair with Kingdom of Loathing finally came to a head today, and I've decided to stop playing indefinitely (conditions below). I've been playing this stupid game for a few weeks with marginal yet undeniable interest, recognizing all along that the game has numerous flaws that make it rather unpalatable to the likes of me. First off, the self-limiting nature of the available playing time is extremely aggravating. 40 adventures is good for about 25 minutes of play on a good day, and while you can get more adventures by eating and drinking, eventually you get "full" and "too drunk" to continue even building adventures that way. And that is severely lame.

In addition, the game suffers from the fatal flaw of so many role playing games, the thing that has made generations of Final Fantasy and Dragon Warrior players throw their hands up in the utmost despair: those long, tedious stretches where all you can do is fight creatures to gain experience and money (or, in the tragically clever world of KoL, "meat") in order to advance your character. This wouldn't be so bad if you could actually spend a few hours on it on any given day, but the fact that you have to build experience in such limited daily stretches makes it all the more aggravating. Again, profoundly lame.

There's more to complain about, but I've been able to deal with these things until now. Once I figured out a few things I could do (with the help of word-of-mouth from fellow clan members, as opposed to the game itself), I looked forward to strategically visiting various locales in the game to gather the necessary items to advance my character. Today, I spent about 100 adventures (two days' worth, plus some pizza and alcohol) trying to build a stupid meat car. I fought and fought (and fought) in Degrassi Gnoll (badum), where the Council of Loathing promised that I could get car parts. I gathered enough cogs, springs, sprockets, tires, and meat tanks for a fleet of meat cars, but couldn't get a god damn set of "sweet rims" to finish the project. Not a single one.

Dejected, I laid my character to rest for the day and started a new character, just for the fun of it. In the course of completing the initial errands for the stupid bird on the stupid mountain I discovered that the "sweet rims" were, in fact, inexplicably hidden in the hermit's hoard. Excited, I logged back on with my more experienced (though, for the day, adventureless) character to try and get the stupid rims from the stupid hermit. I bought a stupid hermit permit, visited the hermit, and remembered that the stupid hermit doesn't take meat. He only takes "worthless trinkets," of which I had none. I searched the town's available markets, along with the clan stash, and found no worthless trinkets. So I can't make the stupid car until I get a stupid trinket, and I'll be damned if I'm going to wander aimlessly, killing punnily named creatures, until I happen to win one in a battle.

I feel that I've put up with enough bullshit to get a meat car. And I'm not playing again until I'm sure the first thing I can do when I log on is get a worthless trinket.

If you're interested in a game that'll actually leave you with a fleeting sense of fulfillment, I suggest Peasant's Quest courtesy of the Homestar boys. KoL has also lifted a number of jokes from Homestar (as part of their unbelievably original idea of filling their game with obscure pop-culure references), so playing a Homestar game is also more legit in that respect.

Trinkets are in the sewer. Chewing gum gets you trinkets, but it might require a few trips to the sewer. A meat car is cool to have for status, and it lets you go to "The Shore". The Shore kind of sucks so far. That's all I got.

The turn(adventure)-limited multiplayer genre has a long and distinguished history, dating back to BBS Door Games, such as Legend of the Red Dragon and Usurper. Just so you know there's a healthy contingent of people who get a nice nostalgia kick out of it.

In defense of Final Fantasy (but not Dragon Warrior), only the first few Final Fantasy games are like that. FF4-10 you can breeze through unless you get distracted by the shiny minigames.

Lydia and Cynthia are still both hooked on Neopets, which is a collection of really crappy versions of really good games (Pac-Man, Mario, 1942, Arkanoid, Mr Driller, etc). The games do feature the cute-ish Neopet creatures, and, more importantly, allow you to win fake money. I watch Lydia play Neopets, and I don't see my girlfriend having fun. I see her compelled, addicted. I know Mr Driller and 1942 are better than their Neopets versions. She does too. She doesn't care. She needs the "neo-points".

Anyhow, there are great web games out there (Bejeweled, Bookworm). There are great freeware/shareware games out there (Torus). You can buy a Dreamcast and Chu-Chu Rocket (or Crazy Taxi, or Space Channel 5, etc) for $15-$20.

There are more great games out there than you'll ever be able to try. Why settle for crap?

I second Zack's Dreamcast recommendation, though you can't play it at work unless you are very, very sneaky. Buying Chu Chu Rocket is one of the finest investments you can make, as is NBA Showtime for those who enjoy arcade-style sports action or just like watching dinosaurs and Zydrunas Ilgauskas do crazy dunks. The Dreamcast's simple controller hearkens back to a simpler time when you didn't have to deal with twelve separate buttons and a hit stick to play a game.

I'm amazed at how inexpensive old video game systems are. Nicole bought a Nintendo 64 for less than most DVDs cost. I also bought a Duck Hunt gun for 29 cents. Money well spent, as a laughing 8-bit dog will tell you.

The ticket to KoL, I think, is familiars and campsite equipment (and if you don't want to know about 'em, stop reading). Depending on which familiar you carry around, you can get more hit points (mosquito), stat points (blood-faced volleyball), meat (leprechaun), and items (baby fairy gravy).
Your clan will also train you in skills that do the same.

You can also install stuff at your campsite that helps:
Clockwork Maid--4 more adventures/day
Cottage--increases hit points recovered when you rest
Chef-in-a-box--cooks the food so you don't have to spend adventures
Golden Arches--free fries every day (mmm, adventures)

But it's addictive. It's true. It's not fun so much as addictive. Once you start using spoilers it's seldom surprising. But if you want to, Google "Kingdom of Loathing Spoilers" and "Kingdom of Loathing Item Locator"--that should help you move along quicker.

at the shore i got a map to the island of mystery or whatever it's called and then i built a dinghy and went there and immediately got wasted by a pirate and had to leave to recuperate. not having played for several days and coming back to have 200 adventures and 4000 meat, was pretty sweet.

Adventures pile up if you don't play, so if you play every few days you have more time to play on those days.

Ramen is currently available at the mall so that for 20 meat you can currently buy 2 ramen and get maybe another fifty adventures in your day. (There's other food that lets you get even more per day, but getting it's as not sponsored by genorous players like ramen is...)

And you can get more adventures from drinking beer (especially after completing the quest that gives you an iron liver, and especially if you've got ode to booze going) -- bloody beer (beer+tomato) is reasonably cheap and reliable.

And then there's the little things -- a chrome weapon, a watch, a swimsuit calendar and a maid. They all help, in a small way.

Personally, I tend to do one day on, and one day off. I'm getting enough adventures that I start out my "on" days with nearly 200 (and wind up with more than half that again from booze and food). On my off days, I just check in and stock up. It helps to, to play during a time of day when lag is low (with over a hundred thousand players, there's times when the site bogs down).

But the real trick is that a laid back approach (not going for any particular goal) tends to work better than pushing really hard. Efficiency at one thing means you're doing worse at others, and ultimately you don't want to be too efficient at any one thing for too long.

Anyways, the game is still in beta, so the most valuable thing you can get in the game is a feel for how it works. I'm sure it will change more when during the reset, but even if the substance changes the style will remain.

I want you to know that KoL has stolen witty sayings from practically everything, not just Homestarrunner.com. In fact, the only saying I can think of that is in it is the parody on "Your Head A Splode." The only reason they give you just 40 adventures a day is to keep junkie tek-heads, like yourself, off of the computer more...get some fresh air or something.

there were other homestar references. your head a splode was just the most noticeable. by and large a lot of the KoB references seem to be just obscure enough to make it seem like they're passing it off as their own, kinda like madonna's pseudo-cover of "respect yourself" or her numerous run-ins with pretentious french directors.

actually, it would seem as though a lot of people still like the "kingdom of boring" as you so ineloquently put it. and the obscurity of the pop culture references are to give yet another interesting aspect to the game. trying to figure out where the quote is from is part of the fun of the game. it's just a silly game to have fun with if you have a few minutes here and there.

actually the lame puns and obscure references are what make it the most fun for me. X3 i love the game coz it makes me laugh, in the "wow that's so stupid it's funny" way. plus it *is* a lot of fun, if you actually have friends to play with and get advice from. too bad you're so anal; you might have more friends.

" 40 adventures is good for about 25 minutes of play on a good day, and while you can get more adventures by eating and drinking, eventually you get "full" and "too drunk" to continue even building adventures that way. And that is severely lame. "

If you had paid attention to the newbie quests...when the Toot Oriole has you go get that worthless trinket to get him the golden twig....you would know how to get worthless trinkets and not "wander aimlessly" trying to find them.

I have found KoL like almost every other MMORPG out now, is more about the people you are there with than the game itself.

Interesting. Because you seemingly have no patience - you hate Kol? I find it immensely amusing, what with all the cultural references folks sometimes just don't get. It's *fun* to "wander aimlessly, killing punnily named creatures" because of this. I've been playing it on a dial-up modem, and while I don't have my "sweet rims" yet, I love this game far more than any of the other RPG games or virtual sites I've been at.

The fact that you only get "40" chances of adventuring a day (which can be upped to 100 or so once you gain enough experience) is a BIG plus for me. Otherwise I'd be there 24-7 because it's so addicting.

Did you bother completing the bunches of sidequests the site offers - or just get stuck on "I have to get a bitchin meatcar now"? I've been doing everything at the same time, and eventually I'll get my worthless trinket while I'm completeing another quest that *doesn't* need a car.

I stick by this site - seeing as I've been completely riffed by Neopets and left that site for good. You want useless? Try that site. Trust me - you'll appreciate KoL in no time. At least KoL doesn't harass it's own players like they do. O__||

Okay...so you finished doing what had to be done for the bird and you still didn't know where to find worthless trinkets? I don't think the problem lies in the game, but your 2-second-long attention span. I find the game fun and the 100 or so adventures I get per day is far more than enough (and my character is a level 10, so I'm not "oldskool" or whatnot). I have better things to do than point-and-click for hours on end, so this game allows me to fit an entertaining RPG in my day without much schedule-shifting.

There are many pop-culture references made in the game, not just Homestar ones. Cranberries get dropped by Zmobies, which is a reference to the Cranberries' hit single "Zombie," it's a nice day for a white wedding in Whitey's Grove, you can get slashed to bits in the boiler room of Cobb's Knob by a crazy guy with razor-sharp pasta spoons on his fingers, Lucky Surprise Eggs are almost as fun and happy as Kinder Eggs are for German children, and a familiar Konami cheat is used in the Lair of the Naughty Sorceress. The Castle in the Clouds in the Sky is likely a reference to Zeal in Chrono Trigger or Ghibli's Laputa, or perhaps any number of trance songs named "Castle in the Sky". The singing tree in the Haunted Pantry references the played-out Chumbawumba song "Tubthumping," the Vampire Hunter G found in the Spooky Forest comes from the Japanese animation "Vampire Hunter D," the Penultimate Fantasy Airship references Final Fantasy 6's poorly named MagiTech armor. Just to name a few.

Just because you don't understand all of the references doesn't make the entire game stupid or trite, it means that it can be funny on any number of levels to many different people. Kingdom of Loathing is not a game meant to be played straight-through until you are "teh 1337 winnar," you're supposed to absorb the humor, relax, and chat with other players. Wow: humanity?! What's that?

You can get well over 40 adventures per day if you actually looked at the site's FAQ or their forums. I get upwards of 110 adventures from selectively eating foods instead of mindlessly clicking on anything edible in my inventory. There are also a number of campsite items that give you more adventures per day, and if your clan has a calendar that gets you another three adventures/day.

The Oriole isn't stupid, it's supposed to teach you the basics of gameplay which you somehow missed anyway. I can't fathom how you managed that one.

As for not knowing where to go next in a game...Google is your friend (or any search engine for that matter). Honest players enjoy the challenge of finding what to do next, which is why they don't like using guides. I've never heard someone who refuses to use a walkthrough whine so much. Particularly when the subject matter is a PHP-based roleplaying game. Honestly. Get a girlfriend (or boyfriend). They manage to keep you busy without the need for pointing devices or keyboards.

My classmate plays the game, he's the one who introduced me to it. I then got a few coworkers hooked and they told their friends, etc. It's far more fun when you know people in real life who play the game. When else can you ask someone in the middle of class "What's the current market value of a spectral pickle?" and get a straight answer.

I found this blog whilst Googling food items for the game and thought it was so narrow-minded and displayed such ignorance that I had to comment. /me looks at the date of the original post

With all do respect to Holohan and all other users who have discredited KoL, you're forgetting that Kingdom of Loathing is a FREE online game created by someone who just wants to let people have fun on the Web once in a while, while occasionnally giving them a good laugh. Not only is there a game, but also a radio that entertains players while they're playing. If you don't like it, that's fine, but you don't need to insult it. Besides, I don't see anyone here making a better game.

If you don't like it, then that's fine, but there's no need to bash it; all that does is make you look like a jerk.

Having a limited number of adventures is a godsend for those of us who don't have the time to devote most of their freetime to one game; it gives us a fighting chance to go up in the ranks, so to speak. Otherwise, the people with waaaaaay too much freetime would dominate, just like every RPG that doesn't limit how much time you can put in per day. I don't know about you, but I have better things to do than to play an MMORPG for 5 hours straight every day just to avoid fallnig behind.

The quests can be evil at times, but THAT'S WHAT SPOILER SITES ARE FOR. Of course, if you can't even remember where you get trinkets from(it's part of the game's tutorial)...

To put it bluntly, you don't seem the type who'd earn a lot of repesct from the game's players anyway. You're impatient, have a short memory span, whine a lot, are too lazy to look up such basic info as where you get trinkets from or even ASK someone about it, and expect this to be exactly like every other MMORPG on the planet (sarcasm)because it couldn't POSSIBLY be good otherwise(/sarcasm). People like you rightly earn the label of "n00b", "jackass", or "asshat".

The game has over 200,000 players. It regularly gets new content. The admins seem like actual peopel rather than gods of wrath. n00bs who can't spell and act like they're God's gift to the RPG world tend to get banned or ignored by the game's players quickly, as do beggars, people like yourself who want all the answers NOW because they can't just PLAY the game, and jackasses in general. There's the recently implemented Acsention to keep old players from getting bored. There are things to do other than the main quests; you're free to have your own goals. Things get more entertaining as you go along, too. You can PVP, if that's your thing, but you're not FORCED to. There are trophies to work for. Bascially, there's so much to do that ISN'T a quest that it's ridiculous, it's not even funny. But if you expect this to be a normal MMORPG, you'll be severly disappointed.
KOL is different, and in doing so has made itself better.

Simply put, you came at KOL from the wrong angle. You expected it to be like the other MMORPGS you played, and when it wasn't, you complained about it without even CONSIDERING that it might be a good thing. Did you even LOOK at KOL's forums? Trust me, there's bound to be an explaination for anything that you complain about there, somewhere.

This has got to the funniest blog posting I have ever seen! Obviously it's a fake.

I mean, no one could possibly so retard as to get aggravated by collecting items for the meat car... not even a French man would "give up" on such a simple quest.

KoL is a helpful and giving community of players. With forum links on the front page and on the menu bar (and chat server), you would have to be a total waste of human flesh to not be able to find an (easily acquired) answer to your issues (did I already say “French”?). And 9 times out of 10, somebody will simply give you the items you need so that you can refocus your adventures on complete other goals.

So I laugh at all of you people that actually thought this a “true” posting. SUCKERS!!!

You are a retarded fool, i mean how could someone be so simpleminded as to forget the "stupid bird" Toot Orioles Tutorial? he says to get a worthless trinket from the sewer, after buying a chewing gum on a string.

Also, just because Kol is probably different from every other rpg in the world, u dont have to bash it like that. I have played almost every single more or less famous free rpg on the web, and i have to say this is one of the best. The creaters are smart people. If they gave you unlimited adventures, then ppl would probably sit inside all day playing kol. and if you get bored, after using up your adventures you can always eat food and stuff. There are also items you can have at your campsite that increase adventure gain.

I'm sorry, but both of your problems were covered in the tutorial. Toot Oriole.

It's a great game. Granted, some of the puzzles are a wee bit difficult, but that's what the community is for. If you get stuck, you can always click the link that says "Enter the Chat". If the idea of using an online chat offends you, there's a link in the top pane to the forums.

Hey, guess what? You're stupid. God damn use a spoiler site if you stuck. Oh boo hoo I'm stuck in a game and I going on a rant about it. It prolongs the game. Plus the 40 adventures a day lessens the time that you can spend on the computer and still have a life. Not only that, but experience is the whole base of RPG leveling. Stupid.

Plus, check out my store in the mall. Hell's Bar. If your looking for better food, you won't find it here.

I think the problem here is that the kind of people that obsessively play KoL are exactly the kind of people that would needlessly flame messageboards. And Jacob, you can play a web version of LoRD here.

I'm glad people put this arseclown in his place, really. I'm sure he's a ADHD 6th grader and we should feel sorry for his inability to enjoy KOL, but please, he deserves the flame. I mean, come on. He doesn't get the jokes, so calls it a Homestar runner rip off, which is the stupidist damn thing out there, but I won't go THERE.

KOL is great. It is clever and well balanced. You can have fun exploring, collecting unique items, buying and selling, and you don't just burn through to the end of the quests. Anybody wants to drop me a line in the game, I'm on there as Banjhakri, and I guess I qualify as a noob myself. I'm 2 weeks in and my love affair with the game has only grown. Very cool, dynamic, and great balance of game play.

KOL is a wonderful game. It has hundreds of levels and clever quests. I'd probably stay on for hours if it didn't have the limitation of turns. You want more turns? Donate to KOL and facilitate a bigger server. It may have old lame jokes but I giggle at least ten times every time I am on the site, and that's much needed in my life.

Can't find a meat engine? Did you try looking in the shops? What a wimp.

I get 50 adventures per day, I'm on a teetotaler path, yet just by eating selectively, I get nearly 150 adventures per day...

KoL also now has an "Official Unofficial KoL fan site" that tells you how to do any quest, and you can usually find an answer to any question by a simple google search, or searching through the KoL forums...

Also, now that they have Ascension, it makes this a never-ending game, even if you mainly just focus on the quests. I plan on playing this till either I have every skill as a permanent skill, they somehow shut down, or they start wanting money from me (in which case I still might play).

Even the limit on the number of adventures is great. It makes it so that the game doesn't consume your life (like www.starkingdoms.com did to mine for nearly a year...that is until I couldn't stand the idiots that play it) as well as making it so people have a "fair" chance to get as far as anyone else.

Also, you say that no one likes it anymore...there are HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of active players on it!

The references are there to be FUNNY! It's not that they can't come up with their own material! The whole point of the game is to have fun, and get a lot of laughs out of it.

Also, I can spend hours each day on KoL, even after I've used up all my adventures. Get a store in the Mall, make sure that all your items are still at competitive prices, be super-active in your clan, surf the forums, chat, do PvP, search online and read stuff about it (like this, for example).

As so many others have said, you are a complete moron that blames your lack of attention span and complete lack of short term memory on the game. There is only one thing wrong with this game: the lag. But they are trying to fix this as much as they can! Also, this game is updated quite frequently with new quests and new locations, so even if you've been playing for years (or 6 months like me) there is always something new to get. You know what, it's just easier to call you moron.

Well, the only thing that I have to say is something I heard Jick and Skullhead say once
"I didn't want a game like Everquest where people with loads of time became the most powerful. I wanted a game where you had to play smart to advance faster. Thats why you get 40 adventures a day."
and if your bored with the Kingdom, why not listen to KOL Radio ad take aprt in some of the contests? I won on the other day, it made me giddy with delight

Applogies on behalf of the flamers, but you're main bitch is a mechanic which the game teaches you being not taught to you by the game.

If you play halfarsedly it's possible to clock 100 turns per day. Once you get the hang of it, you can nail 200 every day. You just need to actually play the game through. And I add, get richer while buying the expensive food and drink to do so.

Spoilers, chat, forums and such are all good. There's even an "adopt a newb" thing going on. Find an experienced player and they'll teach you a bit, and experienced players can teach you some smart tricks too. Oh, I'd add it's organised entirely by players* as the community is that good.

* as opposed to the admins, who are also actually nice, real people, but busy admining, doing radio show's for the game's radio, checking what people say on the forums and occasionally consulting the odd player in chat about the game, as well as the whole coding thing. Except that one's an alcoholic hippy and one's has a penchant for paddling ladies backsides. Which are actually good vices if you ask me.

you sir, are a retard. i belive while doing your first quest, the toot orical you were supposed to see the sweet rims in there, thats partly why they introduce you to the hermit in the beggining of the game! i really think its not fair of you to slander a game just because you don't know what to do. They explain it when you first get the quest and you are supposed to use your experience from previous quests...and about the adventure system, thats all part of the challange! your adventures are limited so you cant just breeze through the whole game in one day. duh. Though my relationship with KoL is a love hate one, ive been playing for about two years and everytime i play it i have immense amounts of fun. Don't let some guy who is angry that he cant win at a game tell you what to play.

Matt, you are the only person I know who can nonchalantly post a blog entry about nothing of consequence (cf. pie) and continue to get flamed for it for three and a half years. How do you do this? Other bloggers try really hard, espousing totally incendiary political opinions and proposing patently harmful grand plans for society, and the harassment doesn't even last two months. You must have a secret.

And don't forget the immortal Internet sensation that is my Reese Witherspoon post, about which I still get at least one email a month (just got one yesterday, in fact).

I have a way of getting worked up about trivial things, and when I do blog posts in that vein it tends to set off people with similar proclivities. Either that or it's really me making all the random comments, just to make myself look important.