In Which I Get Lazy And Repost Entries From My Wedding Blog. Also My Effing Neck Is Killing Me Today. Probably Slept On It Wrong.

Holla at ya Blogstalkers. (Ok I totally cringed typing that but I'm going to leave it for 'keeping it real and ridiculous' purposes.)

I've been sort of at a loss for posting ideas lately. Which makes total sense seeing as how I've been blogging for the astronomically long period of time that is ten whole months.

Well actually...I've been blogging a bit longer than that. Because I had a different blog I kept while Ryan and I were engaged and planning our wedding. And most of you wouldn't have read any of those posts since I didn't "know" you yet and thus you weren't invited to my wedding/given the wedding website address which housed the silly blog.

Sidenote: If Ryan and I ever decide to do something lame like renew our vows and shit then you're all totally invited. And for once I will have more guests on my side and some of Ryan's friends won't have to sit on my side out of what Ryan says is "pity" and what I say is "secretly liking me better."

But moving on, I have decided to share with you the posts I wrote starting from when we got engaged and leading up to our wedding day. It's not all wedding crap I promise. And the parts of it that are wedding crap are mostly the retellings of the ways Ryan almost ruined the wedding.

Hope you enjoy! Please keep in mind that I was younger and even more ridiculous and not a very good writer AT ALL when I posted these. They are a much less polished version of my current posts. If you're new here you might want to take a look at some of my popular posts (on the sidebar) before you read this entry. It could scare you away.

Also, this entry ended up being like REALLY REALLY long. So please feel free to skip entirely or to read it in portions over the next year or so. Also, the spacing is weird...and I am too lazy to fix it.

June 11th, 2010

Six months and counting! This wedding is starting to seem very real to me. At nine months out it felt like I was never getting married. Probably because Ryan hadn’t technically asked me to marry him yet, but that is an entirely different story.

One that I will tell right now.

Once upon a time there was a boy named Ryan. Ryan was a very lucky boy because he had this amazing girlfriend named Lauren that made him delicious dinners every night and didn’t get mad when Ryan ate all of the soup that her sister had brought over for her while she was out with the dogs. It’s pretty clear that Ryan lived a very charmed life. In fact, he only had one small problem – his feet were always very cold.

One day Lauren decided that she was tired of dealing with Ryan and his stupid cold feet and so she told him to stop being such a boy and maybe consider being a man and finally just ask her to marry him because if she had to go to one more wedding where she was not the bride very bad things were going to happen to Ryan. Lauren got her way of course, she always does.

And now Ryan gets to continue living his charmed life and the only cold feet he has to worry about are Lauren’s, which somehow end up pressed against his back in the middle of the night every night. And he is deliriously happy, obviously. And Lauren is deliriously happy most of the time as well. It’s just that sometimes when she has to take the dogs out in the rain and come back upstairs to find her soup eaten and Ryan standing in the kitchen holding a spoon with soup all over his face; it’s hard to be happy.

Moving on...

For those of you that want to hear the “real” proposal story – here it is – it’s kind of boring, I’m just saying.

One bright Saturday morning in late March, Ryan made Lauren get up early, which she did not appreciate. She forgave him when he took her to get pancakes. She got mad again when he answered his phone at the table. She forgave him when her sister called a little later and she answered her phone at the table. She got mad again when they heard the song “All the Single Ladies” on the radio on the way back from breakfast and remembered that she wasn’t engaged. She remained mad until she got engaged.

But anyway, Lauren’s sister Jordan (who is the Maid of Honor) had called to ask if Lauren wanted to go shopping. She did of course. So Jordan came to the city and took Lauren shopping and persuaded her to buy a new outfit. It might not have taken too much persuasion. It might have been Lauren’s idea to buy a new outfit in the first place. Lauren might have bought more than just that outfit. But if Ryan asks, she’s had that dress for years; she just doesn’t wear it very much.

While Lauren and Jordan were shopping Ryan was making plans. The call he had so rudely answered at breakfast was someone letting him know he could pick up the engagement ring. So he had to do that. He also needed to get a haircut, make dinner reservations and buy tickets to go see Beauty and the Beast – which is Lauren’s favorite musical of all time. Ryan prefers Billy Elliot. Oh, and he took the dogs to get haircuts – (I don’t think this had anything to do with the proposal stuff – I think they probably just needed haircuts.)

So Jordan finally brings Lauren home, maybe a little later than Ryan had hoped, maybe a little later than Ryan had told Jordan to get Lauren home when he asked Jordan earlier in the day to come downtown and keep Lauren busy. So Lauren had to rush around like a crazy person getting ready for dinner. It was fine though, she still looked awesome.

So then Ryan proposed – nothing fancy – (everyone who has heard the list of proposal rules I wrote for Ryan will be happy to know that he only broke one of them – because I’m pretty sure Jordan knew I was getting engaged before I did, and no body was supposed to know before me, but I forgave him (you must notice at this point that I’m a very forgiving person – which is important if you are dating Ryan – he needs to be forgiven like thirty five times every day.))

After Ryan proposed and Lauren said yes, they had to cancel dinner because they were pretty late as it was and Lauren had to call everyone she knows. It was fine though, because there were things that needed to be done immediately – like take pictures of the ring and text them to Lauren’s sisters. And then it was time to leave for the show. Which they did not end up seeing because Ryan had accidentally bought tickets for the matinee and not the later performance and the later performance was sold out. It was fine though, because there was a bar next door to the theater. So after a drink there, more ring pictures and phone calls, they headed home and drank champagne out of glasses that say “2009” on them. It was fine though, because Lauren remembered that now that she was finally getting married, she got to register for things like champagne flutes.

Then Jordan and her boyfriend Jake came back downtown and everyone went to a bar and met up with lots of Ryan and Lauren’s friends. And everyone bought Lauren and Ryan shots of Jack Daniels. Which was NOT FINE because they had never eaten dinner and they had already had champagne. Lauren is pretty sure a good time was had by all. And when Lauren woke up the next morning, she was still engaged and it hadn’t all just been the worst joke of a dream ever. That honor still goes to the one time she had a dream that she was a really great singer and had like a huge boxful of puppies to roll around in while she sang beautiful songs. True Story.

So that’s the engagement as Lauren remembers it. Ryan would probably make some small changes. But that’s too bad, because this is not his blog and artistic license does in fact mean that she can just “totally fabricate huge details.”

More later! I know you’re excited

June 18th, 2010

176 days to go. This was the week that I started sending out Save The Dates and worked on perfecting the website (I’m no website designer so please excuse its flaws.) Jon thank you so much for your help!

First, just wanted to mention a little something that happened this week. I got a picture message at work from Ryan – the picture was of some guy wearing a Billy Elliot tee shirt and the accompanying text said “Isn’t this that tap dancer guy from So You Think You Can Dance.” It was. Ryan knows stuff like that.

But on to a more important thing – a story about me and how I was awarded the game ball at Softball last week and how if there was such a thing as being awarded the opposite of the game ball that honor would have gone to Ryan.

So I’ve already mentioned in the Bridesmaid stories that Ryan and I play for an undefeated coed softball team on Sundays. Julie (bridesmaid) is the captain and Vanessa (bridesmaid) and Joe (groomsman) are on the team as well. Needless to say, our team is awesome. No one can beat us. Not even when we only have eight people and half of them are girls and the other team is the second place team and has like fourteen people playing and for some reason is allowed to bat three boys in a row. Because that is what happened this past Sunday.

The game started much like any other. I was playing second base, Vanessa was in right field hopping around like an idiot singing “Party in the USA” to herself and Ryan was pitching. The first three innings out he got killed. The other team was either pounding the ball (not hard in 16-inch slow-pitch softball) or standing there waiting to get walked since Ryan could not throw a strike to save his life. – Seriously at one point I was all “Ryan I will kill you if you do not throw a strike.” So he of course threw ANOTHER ball. Let’s just write it up to my forgiving nature that he is not currently killed.

The third inning FINALLY ended; score 6-3 bad guys (let’s call them the White Sox.) Ryan batted in the top of the fourth and stuck out (nearly impossible to do in 16-inch slow-pitch softball.) It was such a lame strikeout that the ump decided to count it as all three outs that inning and just like that we were back on the field…with a new pitcher…ME. I was awesome obviously. I was striking people out left and right and in between strikeouts I made awesome catches without even using my hands (for real once I caught the ball using my elbow and once I did the splits and then caught the ball in my hat – or maybe that one happened in a movie – I don’t remember.)

Anyway, we (let’s call us The Cubs) ended up winning the game 10-9, no thanks to my “amazing” fiancé. If you sort of don’t believe that this story is entirely faithful – take this as proof – after the game when we all got in line Little-League-style and slapped each other’s hands and said “good game”, a number of people on the other team said “good pitching” to me instead of “good game” and NO ONE said that to Ryan. I’m pretty sure someone even said “bad pitching” to him. And it doesn’t matter if that person was me, it still happened.

And then my team gave me the game ball and hoisted me onto their shoulders and carried me to the car singing “Go Cubs Go” the entire way.

And then I drank a 32oz bloody mary and went home and iced my shoulder.

Wish me luck this week! (Although who needs luck when you have skillz.)

July 9th, 2010

So according to my Macy’s registry – there are 155 days until the wedding. I wouldn’t have known that otherwise. It’s not like I have the number of days written in countdown fashion on every single day of both my planner and my work calendar. And I never ever text my sister how many days are left. And I definitely don’t make Ryan buy me a present (usually flowers) on both the 27th (the day he proposed) and the 11th (the day of the wedding) every single month. That’s something a crazy person would do.

Sidenote to Ryan: Today is the 9th which means the 11th is Sunday. Just thought you should know. Oh and I moved the vases – they’re under the counter now. Love You!

So the rest of the Save The Dates FINALLY went out this last week. No thanks to Ryan. Seriously, here is the top ten list of the things he did to almost sabotage them.

10.) Lauren: Asks Ryan to please send his friends an email asking for all of their addresses.

Ryan: Takes a nap, plays Doodle Jump on his phone, walks around the condo without a shirt on entirely too much, waits three weeks and then emails his friends.

9.)Lauren: Asks Ryan to please come with her all the way across the street to Walgreens to get the Save The Dates made.

Ryan: Throws a mini temper tantrum because this will entail him pausing stupid Doodle Jump, getting out of bed and actually putting on a shirt.

8.)Lauren: Has already typed and printed 100 of the 120 guests addresses and all of the return address labels and asks Ryan to please go down to the Business Center and do the remaining 20.

Ryan: Actually does what she asks but really turns out to be no help at all because he:

Puts commas after most address components

EX: Mr & Mrs Ryan Gallagher

1234 Any Street, Unit 11,

Chicago, IL, 60610

Forgets that people’s wives are invited

EX:Mr Edward Doe & Family

Does not realize that nicknames are not real names

EX:Mr & Mrs Peach Doe

All but 2 of the labels Ryan prints will need to be redone.

7.)Lauren: Tells Ryan she will come downstairs with him and proofread all of his labels before he prints them incorrectly again.

Ryan: Throws a mini temper tantrum at the thought of having to do 18 more labels. Types the labels incorrectly again, changes them to Lauren’s specifications, tries to print the labels, throws a mini temper tantrum when they do not print right away, smacks the computer in the Business Center. Smacks it really really hard.

6.)Lauren: Mentions in the elevator on the way up from the Business Center that she will handle the guests’address labels because she is pretty sure Ryan will not be able to center them.

Ryan: Turns and gives her his evilest glare. Then when they get out of the elevator he tells her to please stop talking to him WHEN OTHER PEOPLE ARE IN THE ELEVATOR. This starts a small fight because it’s not like Lauren talked for more than three seconds and it’s not like she talked about bras or something. The Save The Dates are postponed until the fight is over.

5.)Lauren: Asks Ryan to sit down with her and help stuff/label/seal the Save The Dates.

Ryan: Makes comment about how the lavender of the Save The Date and the lavender of the envelope do not match. This sends Lauren into hyperventilations because she knew that they did not EXACTLY match but she figured no one would notice or care. But if Ryan is noticing and caring then that means every single other person will notice and care as well. The Save The Dates are postponed until Lauren realizes that Ryan only made the comment to bother her and possibly get out of helping with the Save The Dates.

4.)Lauren: Assigns Ryan the task of putting the stamps and return address labels on the envelopes because neither of those really need to be centered.

Ryan: Manages to put most of both on crooked and then pretends not to see that they are SEVERELY crooked when Lauren points it out. She is forced to carefully peel off most of the labels and stamps and reaffix.

3.)Lauren: Assigns Ryan the task of putting the Save The Dates in the envelopes because really, how do you screw that up?

Ryan: Pays absolutely no attention to which direction the Save The Date is facing and cares not at all if when people take it out of the envelope it will be upside down and backwards and folded in half.

2.)Lauren: Wants to finish stuffing/labeling/sealing all of the Save The Dates in one go so that they can just mail them already.

Ryan: Needs to take a break to lay on the bed and play with his phone. For three days.

1.)Lauren: Finally convinces Ryan that they really really have to send these out soon because his antics have already cost them like TWO MONTHS. She assigns him the easiest task of all – sealing the envelopes.

Ryan: Decides he does not want to lick the envelopes so Lauren tells him to figure out a different way to seal them then. Ryan does. Shortly later, Lauren begins to smell some sort of terrible odor permeating the air around the kitchen table. She looks over at Ryan who is sitting there happily sealing the Save The Dates with a kitchen sponge.

Lauren: “Where did you even find that sponge? Does it smell bad?”

Ryan: Without even having to stop and smell the sponge. “Yeah it smells

pretty bad.”

And that folks, was the icing on the wedding cake. Ryan finally got his wish of not

having to help with the Save The Dates. Lauren fixed all of the crooked labels/stamps,

flipped/rotated all of the pictures, did smell tests on all of the envelopes that Ryan had already sealed and finished sealing those that he had not yet attacked with a sponge he found in the very back dark corner of the cabinet under the sink. Then she pulled out her little kitchen scale and weighed each and every envelope to make sure that a picture had actually been put in the envelope before it was sealed. Then she took them all down to the mailroom by herself and mailed them. Because obviously Ryan could not be entrusted with even the simplest of Save The Date-related tasks.

And now Ryan and Lauren have moved on to other wedding responsibilities and when they are riding in elevators they stand silently with arms at their sides and eyes forward. And when they are in their condo, Ryan now sometimes wears a shirt. Because compromising is very important in a happy marriage.

Ok but seriously – if anyone gets a Save The Date that has crooked labels/stamps or smells sort of like old sponge – I really apologize. I am pretty sure I checked and double-checked them all for alignment and bad smells – but you just never know.

November 21st, 2010

First, so many congratulations to my beautiful bridesmaids Julie & Oma on getting engaged since I last posted. It’s lovely, I promise. I absolutely can not wait to celebrate with you and Caleb and Brad. Ryan can not wait either. He adores weddings. He wishes we could have two.

Second, please please forgive me for not having posted in a while. I have been extremely busy catching up on Project Runway and desperately searching my head for more gray hairs (I found one the other day, it was NOT ok.) Ryan said it looked more blonde than gray when I screeched and shoved my head in his face, but I really didn’t have any good reason to believe him, he had already lied once to me that day about eating the last string cheese.

I suppose we have also been busy choosing and ordering invitations, tasting and disagreeing about cake flavors, trying on wedding rings, deciding on tuxes, fighting about dance lessons (Ryan really wants to take them, but I refuse – I am already an incredible dancer), and purchasing shower outfits online picking out shower outfits from clothes I already own. Also, putting off wedding dress fittings for as long as possible and then trying to starve myself for two days before each one.

So obviously there has been no time to update the blog. Getting on with it though. I thought I’d use this entry to tell you all a couple of interesting things that you may or may not already know about Ryan and I.

1.I am allergic to things that sting: bees, wasps, hornets, yellow jackets, you name it. Which means whenever I see something that stings I FREAK OUT. If I’m alone I just wave my arms wildly and take off running (this happens every single weekday when I have to walk past all of these horrible wildflowers both on my way to and from work.) If I’m with Ryan I hit the deck, sidewalk, floor of the bus, whatever and admonish Ryan in a totally normal tone of voice to “KILL IT KILL IT GET IT AWAY FROM ME.” For those of you that have read Harry Potter, my boggart would for sure be a giant wasp. Ryan’s, for those of you interested, would be a tiny little bird that couldn’t hurt a fly but for some reason he thinks has the ability eat him.

2.Sometimes I get accidentally scared by things like dragon flies, regular flies, pieces of dandelion fuzz, because I mistake them for things that sting. There are no things that sting in the winter. That is why I like winter. Also, I am a little nervous about stingrays and jellyfish on my honeymoon.

3.Ryan has a really hard time getting rid of clothes. He has shirts from like seventh grade (no joke) that have holes in them that he still wears around the house. He gets really agitated when I stick my fingers in the holes because he’s so afraid the shirt will become more hole than shirt and he will actually have to throw it away. He also has clothes from years and years ago that he does not wear and has not worn in almost ten years. And when I suggest maybe he cleans out his closet or the huge containers under the bed he: whimpers a little, picks out like four or five sweaters to get rid of, strokes their sleeves lovingly and whispers “goodbye old friend.” Then he turns to me and asks “Do you think Michael (the ring bearer) would want these?” And I have to gently reply, “No you idiot, they’re from Abercrombie circa 1999, nobody wants those.”

4.Books are my vice. And Borders was my enabler. Until…a used bookstore moved in one half of one block away from us last winter and I started buying my books there because it was closer and cheaper than Borders. So then BORDERS CALLED ME to see if I was ok because I had not been in the store for a while (it had been like 17 days). Oh, and even though I don’t spend time at Borders every single day of my life anymore – I just received a letter with my new Platinum Borders Rewards Card and the announcement that I had earned a personal shopping day of my choice, 25% off of everything in the store. Touché Borders, touché. Now if they would just let me register there, my life would be perfect.

5.When Ryan was really little (right around the time we first met – when I still thought he had cooties) his parents would get him to behave in public by reminding him of the scene in Muppets Do Manhattan where baby Kermit the Frog gets kicked out of a restaurant for misbehaving. “Ryan, you need to settle down and behave yourself,” his parents would say, “Do you want them to make you leave like they did Kermit the Frog?” And Ryan would widen his eyes in fear and then act the perfect little gentleman, with only the occasional “ribbet”.

6.The combination of my incredibly pale skin and my propensity to fall down, trip, bump into things, accidentally hit myself in the face with the shampoo bottle (this morning) means that I always always have bruises. At least ten or twelve at any given time. When I find myself the owner of a particularly lovely bruise, I usually take a picture of it with my phone and text it to my bridesmaid Vanessa. Sometimes I take the picture with a coin of some sort next to the bruise for scale purposes. Vanessa lives for these text messages. She has never threatened to “block you from my phone if you do not stop sending me pictures of your collar bone/knee/inner thigh.”

7.Ryan has the most eclectic taste in music ever. A country girl at heart myself, I was ecstatic in high school to find out he also loves cowboys (their music I mean). But he basically listens to everything. On his “recently played” list: Joe Cocker and Motzart. I recently made him download the new Katy Perry album and he is now OBSESSED with the song “Teenage Dream”. I fantasize a little that it’s because when she says “You make me feel like I’m living a teenage dream,” he thinks of me and how I actually was his teenage dream at one point. But deep in my heart I know that it’s just because he’s excited for the music video to come out so he can see Katy Perry sing “put your hands on me in my skin tight jeans” while dancing around wearing skin tight jeans. Stupid Katy Perry and her beautiful blue hair. At Christmastime, Ryan and his groomsman Pat (Peach) can be found rocking out to “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey and when riding in the car with Jordan’s boyfriend Jake, he enjoys the song “Rob Myself” rapped by the one and only Plies. Ryan if you are reading this, buy some more damn detergent. Seriously, we are running out.

8.This one is more of an anecdote than an interesting fact but I believe it is worth telling. One time Ryan and I went to see a movie. And in the middle of the movie he leaned over and asked if I wanted one of his Nestle Crunch Popables. I was surprised because usually at movies we have an unspoken agreement that Ryan does not share his popables and I do not share my popcorn. But I thought it was a sweet gesture so I nodded yes. He leaned over to feed one to me and I though “why on earth is he trying to be so romantic all of a sudden, we are seeing The Last King of Scotland after all not some mushy chick flick.” But I’ll take romance wherever I can get it with Ryan so I let him put the candy in my mouth. And then I realized that he had already put this particular popable in his mouth and carefully and delicately bitten it all over so that it still looked like a normal piece of candy but exploded into a warm goo and saliva mixture once I tried to bite into it. I almost cried. No one knows how horrible that is until it’s happened to them. And I couldn’t do anything about it because we were in a quiet movie theatre with lots of other people around. So I just gave him this horrified look while he shook with silent laughter in his seat. And now whenever Ryan tries to make me try any of his food I have to ask him if he’s chewed it first, which is apparently a question that makes people at nearby tables give you their own horrified looks when you are eating in a nice restaurant.

9.Whenever Ryan and I go out for breakfast I have to order water, coffee, juice and diet coke. It drives Ryan crazy because usually I don’t even touch some of the glasses. I don’t know why I do it. Something about breakfast just makes me want to drink I guess. Just like my job.

10.Ok last one. Despite the fact that Ryan eats all of the string cheese and sometimes sits straight up in bed in the middle of the night and shouts “WHO’S THERE!?!” he is still my most favorite person in the world.

I won’t say more soon, because everyone knows that’s a giant lie. But more at some point.

41 comments:

I asked my fiance to get me his friends' addresses in January and I am still waiting. I told him if I didn't have their address they weren't invited to the wedding. It is going to be a little lonely on his side of the church.

Yeah it took Ryan FOREVER as well. Just wait until you have to write wedding thank yous. I actually typed out responses for all of Ryan's. Literally all he had to do was verbatim put the typed response in his own handwriting in a card and then address it and send it out. It took him MONTHS. And that was with lots of nagging.

Yay! You finally posted the proposal. His attempts to plan a perfect proposal are just like my attempts to plan anything, complete FAIL!Also, when my Bestest Friend got married, I had to get some addresses from her for her shower. She ended up giving them to me the week of the shower. I bet some of her relatives think i purposely sent them the invite last minute so they wouldn't come. or worse, they got them AFTER the shower.

I think it's one of those things that people assume they can do in five minutes so it gets put off until the very last minute. I love the story, the way it's written seems to reflect your emotional state at the time: happy, stressed and still you :)

Holy long post, batman! But I like getting a glimpse of this pre-married, pre-famous Bloggess promoted blogger. You were still pretty funny back then as well. I'm surprised Ryan doesn't read these things and have absolute fits. My hubs was unpleased to say the least about a recent post I wrote about him. You are lucky he is so understanding and cool about it.

Oh, and wedding planning is absolute hell. The hubs was studying for the bar so was absolutely no help whatsoever. The way it sounds, maybe that was for the best! :)

Haha I'm SO not famous. I really wish I was, but sadly, nope, still have to keep regular job and blog in my spare time.

And yep, longest post ever. I didn't want to break it up into more than one post because I don't especially like the way I wrote back then.

Ryan used to have tiny little fits about my posts (he did NOT like the second post I ever wrote on this blog, which was all about him, for example.) But he's gotten used to it over time. And now I think just ignores it for the most part.

And yep, wedding planning was CRAZY. Ryan eventually was told he didn't need to help any more. So I did most of it on my own, which is what it sounds like you did. It was SO hectic.

If you think you weren't as funny in 2010, you are very mistaken. Your planning journal is high-larious and I wish I had "known" you back in the day so I could've experienced that comedy gold in real time. My husband and I eloped, rebels that we are, so I enjoy living vicariously through wedding planning hijinks.

Loved your Borders story! I worked at Borders all through college. Best. Job. Ever. It was majorly depressing to watch them close.

If for some reason Ryan ever gets sick of me and runs away (or if I actually meet/get Justin Timberlake to fall in love with me) then I am TOTALLY eloping the second time around. I could never ever plan another wedding ever again.

I miss Borders so so much.

Wedding/Honeymoon stuff is coming soon! I still have part III of How Ryan Met Lauren in the pipeline, so I'll probably do it just after that.

I should probably read things like this more often to remind myself how lucky I got in the "man willing to help with wedding stuff" department. He helped address and put together all of our wedding invitations. After the wedding, we divided up the thank you cards - his side and mine- and he wrote all of his out in a very timely fashion. In fact, we had people commenting on how impressed they were with the promptness of our cards. Next time he does something that makes me crazy, I will try to remember those times. Keep in mind, I am saying I will try. Not that I will be successful.

Wow you hit the jackpot as far as wedding stuff goes with your husband! Ryan took FOREVER to get his thank yous done. My best friend was really the only one who helped me plan - she has beautiful handwriting and so did all my place cards and addressed my thank yous and everything. (And my sister did all the Maid of Honor things of course.)

I think I would have barfed in the movie theater if my hubby ever did #9... omg! i gagged a little just thinking about it... but it was totally hilarious. It's probably good to ensure he hasn't chewed the food first, who needs that?

It was like one of the worst things that had ever happened to me. I almost had to run to the bathroom. And to make it worse, I still had to sit through like an hour of movie before I could leave, make it to the car, and finally get a chance to smack him for being so disgusting.

I LOVE the wedding recap posts! Obviously you totally don't have time to be blogging right now since you're getting ready to meet THE Jenny! I cannot wait to hear about your trip to Dallas! In the meantime keep the wedding post's coming!!

HAHA! I loved reading this. My husband and I didn't have a "proper" wedding. He was a wedding photographer at the time and had been for years, so he'd seen so many weddings he was a little horrified at the thought of being IN one. So we ran away and had a super secret elopement. It was very romantic. The only downside is I have no wedding photos of my own to photoshop Robert Downey Jr. into.

I tell Ryan all the time that my second husband (probably JT) and I are definitely going to elope. I could not do the whole wedding thing again. It's horrifying how many details you have to worry about.

I was like, seriously? Did you just ask me how I wanted the napkins folded during the cocktail hour? I do not effing care. Fold them into tiny swans if you want.

I love that you refer to your second husband when talking to your current. I do the same thing to my husband. I actually told him that if he didn't show or things didn't work out, I was just going to have the groomsmen scoot down one spot or call up one of his friends from the audience. I guess you don't call them an audience at a wedding but I'm going to leave it because it makes my wedding sound fancy, like a Broadway production.

I'm turning into a regular stalker here. I hope that's totally cool but it probably is because that's, you know, the purpose of blogs. Anywaysss, I'm glad that my husband isn't the only with shirts from 7th grade. I've gotten him to get rid of 3. Because they were from when he worked at a food place and they were grease-stained. And you made me super-glad that we did this half-assed wedding sorta elopement thing because that is completely how are save the dates would have gone.

And I totally knew what you meant and didn't think you were a moron at all. I'm constantly missing typos being I try to type entirely too fast.

After having a crazy big fancy wedding, I totally get the elopement thing. There were times while I was planning that I would try to convince Ryan to just fly to Vegas with me and get it over with. He knew I actually wanted the wedding though, so he would always talk me down.

Love the wedding posts! We didn't have save the date cards for our wedding but we had some misadventures with the stuffing of and mailing of invitations. Including my husband not getting addresses for half of his fraternity brothers until AFTER the RSVP date, forgetting to put stamps on half of the invites, and an incident with the sponge. Ten years later most people have forgiven us for the late/ missing/ smelly invitations.

Now that you're married, it's okay to "loose" some of the more disgusting 10-year-old t shirts in the wash ;-)

For the record, Lauren, you do not suck. I read your FB post and I will now mentally kick that person in the knees repeatedly because THAT person sucks. You, however, do not and you're seriously funny. And entertaining. And he can suck it.

I didn't have much help with the planning either, because my husband's rich friend told us he'd give us $10K cash if we had Elvis marry us in Vegas and I wouldn't do it. Thus, I was stuck with everything. Now, Elvis is looking pretty good, though.

Joules is a full-time working mother, a blogger, a DIYer and a gourmet marshmallow eater. Blogging on everything from wild horse sex to her dog pooping on her husband the first time he spent the night. Obviously her life is very glamorous.

You could win 5 bazillion dollars if you read her blog. Well, you could, anything is possible. But you totally have to share your winnings with her. If you don't like Julie's blog, she'll give you a refund or a puppy. She gets to pick.

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This blog is a semi-factual reflection of the life and opinions of its author, Lauren Gallagher. Its content is protected under intellectual copyright law. So do not try to steal my shit, yo.