1.) I have yet to see “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra,” so it’s possible (though highly unlikely) that I’ll have to apologize for this post at a later date… if I ever see it… which I probably won’t.

2.) I love G.I. Joe. Or, more accurately, I used to love G.I. Joe. When I was a kid, G.I. Joe was my top pick when it came to cartoons and toys. I loved it so much that when I was ten years old I remember thinking, “When I get my first car, I’m going to get ‘GI JOE’ on a personalized license plate.” Because, you know, that would have gotten me laid. He-Man was a little too fantasy for me, and Transformers were just too goddamn expensive. G.I. Joe action figures, however, were only $3 each (at their most expensive), so over time I ended up collecting more than a hundred Joes and Cobras. Of course, I sold all of them for next to nothing in the late eighties, but whatever. I got an entire childhood out of those action figures, so I can’t complain.

Want an even bigger shock? Harry Knowles, the bearded face of Ain’t It Cool News, dug it. Of course, Knowles loves everything (especially if it’s covered in nacho cheese) because Hollywood just loves putting his wiener in its mouth.

Ugh. I just threw up all over my keyboard. Give me a minute.

Okay, back.

Fact is, I don’t need to see this movie to know that it’s utter dog shit, and the fact that Knowles likes it just proves my point.

“But, Shady,” you might try to reason with me, “you can’t say something like that without having seen it!” And to that I say this: “Did you have to see ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop’ to know it was cinematic AIDS, motherfucker?” No. You knew from the first second of the first trailer that it was going to be shit.

With that being said, I’ll admit that Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow look pretty spot-on. And Baroness, eh… it’s hard to fuck up Baroness.

But what the fuck happened with every other character?!?

So here are a few questions I have for Paramount, just based off what I’ve seen so far of this impending train wreck:

1. Why does Hawk look like my fucking dad at a French gay pride parade?

2. Where the fuck is Destro’s metal mask? And why is he white? Every kid knows Destro is black under that helmet, just like Darth Vader. And Rowlf from the Muppets.

3. Where’s Cobra Commander’s mask? Hell, where the fuck is Cobra Commander?!? I know the Scientist (played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt) becomes him, but a Cobra Commander by any other name and without a metal mask or a cloth hood just doesn’t cut it.

4. How much weight did Will Arnett have to gain to play fat Zartan (also known as Fartan)?

5. And lastly, was raping the childhoods of millions of kids from the eighties something you set out to do, or did it just happen organically along the way?

Shady!

30 comments

It’s the death of ideas. There hasn’t been an original, or halfway decent, mainstream film for years. Apart from The Royal Tenembalms, which was Awesome. Seriously though, 50% of the films that are released each year are utter, utter, shite…

They just keep picking over the bones of our childhoods and producing multimillion dollar bonfires…

The Thing… which was a remake…
Interesting title to threaten.
I liked the Joes growing up. I liked that they were interchangeable with my Star Wars figs, too. Han Solo kicking Cobra ass: priceless.
But I find it strange that these toy movies completely reinvent the wheel on the big screen. I don’t need an origin for all these guys. I don’t need to know why someone is hell bent on wearing a metal shield in front of his face. I don’t need to know why a hot Russian broad isn’t busy looking for an American sugar daddy. I don’t need, because I don’t care. Let’s get to the fighting, fuckers.
I’m SO tired of artistic interpretation with franchise, trademarked characters with storylines already intact. Why does Spiderman have web shoot out of his wrist? Why did the Green Goblin look like a gay Power Ranger? Why was Doc Ock (an Austrian in the comics) played by a Colombian with an English accent? Why did he have to have the “cool” leather trench coat? Why did he have to have an origin story where he was a prince of a man and a good husband prior to being mind controlled by the arms on his back? Why change what already worked and why not just open a film with the bad guy already established and ready to go? Why not let the audience be smart enough to understand there’s a back story to every back story’s back story???
It worked with Stars Wars. Originally. Then they did three more of JUST back story.
Hollywood needs an enema.
The point of story telling, Justin knows this, is to get to… the STORY.

If they’re going to insist on looking past originality and instead go for remakes and the like, I don’t understand why they can’t take that “Brady Bunch Movie” approach to it. Don’t they realize that none of us look at the Masters of the Universe characters and think, “Damn, that dude is a badass!”

Same goes for G.I. Joes. With the exception of the two ninja characters, and maybe Destro (though his outfit is dangerously close to something Ben Stiller wore in ZOOLANDER), we don’t look at G.I. Joe and think “I need a DIE HARD-esque action film.” We think, “Ha! SNOWJOB?!? They named a character SNOWJOB?!?” Or, “Hey, is GUNG-HO back from the leather bar yet?”

Don’t tell me a bearded red-head in an all-white ski bunny snowsuit, and an alleged Marine with a penchant for shirtlessness and Village People-groomed moustaches can be taken seriously no matter HOW much you adjust them in the sequel.

Turning these into films that take the piss out of themselves (like those “Brady Bunch” films from a few years back) would be genius. Instead, we get the same film they make for every vintage rehash.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to work on my “M.U.S.C.L.E.” script… starring Ben Affleck.

I want to have fun with this movie. My expectations are rock bottom, but being a JOE geek from way back to the 12 inchers I will go see it with glee. Stephen Sommers has a shitty track record. The first 2 Mummy movies are fun for rainy day when nothing else is on. Van Helsing makes me want to kick him in the balls. He had the keys to the Universal castle and fucked it up.
The trailers look sorta fun but not saying GI Joe to me. I don’t expect the Village People costumes, because that would be, like the Village People, really gay. I works for cartoons and action figures but not so well for a film somewhat grounded in the real world. It’s GI JOE not a gay pride parade.

I don’t like the Accelerator Suits. The Joe’s are the bad assest of the bad ass they don’t need HALO super suits.

I understand that there needs to be an evolution of character with Cobra Commander and Destro to make them the villains that we know and love. I don’t expect to be introduced to them in the film as we know them in the cartoon and toys. If the final reel shows the Destro’s chrome dome and Commanders mask I’ll be fine with it.

I expect it to be a live action cartoon. I don’t need to know the specific technology of the weapons, vehicles, or how the Joes are funded. I never wondered about it as a kid and I don’t need to know now. I will gladly check my brain at the door and hope for a fun popcorn movie.

Sure, it is similar in many ways to, and even references, The Thing From Another World, because John Carpenter was a fan, but it’s not a remake of that film. It is a more faithful rendering of the original book…

Geek Tyrant > Harry Knowles. I saw Harry’s wife pushing his fat ass in a wheel chair into my hotel at comic con. She looked like she wanted to kill herself. I heard about this script from a friend a long time ago and apparently once the movie ends everyone will look like they should. See what they are doing it showing the RISE of Cobra, which means they can do whatever they want and we are supposed to be ok with it as long as by the last 2 minutes Destro is in a metal mask.

What, you don’t count the Dolph Lundgren Masters of the Universe movie?
Yeah Justin, it makes you kinda queer.

I never cared that Spiderman didn’t have web-shooters. The organic web just made sense and allowed for a few clever scenes. Why stop the story flow to show Peter creating synthetic webbing or feeling the need to create them at all just because he has spider powers. The main point of Spiderman is science gone wrong and the tragedy it brings to otherwise good people. Most of Spidey’s major villains are science based, So I didn’t take issue with Doc Oc’s back story or his nation of origin.

In the hands of quality screen writers and directors cinematic liberties aren’t a big deal. Purist and hard core fanboys will always find something to bitch about. If the film represents the essence of the character without pandering, I’m usualy OK with it. It’s tough to break down decades of cannon into a two hour film.

Some have pitched a shit fit over Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Rings trilogy. I think that is fucking absurd. Those films brilliantly and lovingly represent the books and the world Tolkien created. Was there omissions and tinkering, yes. Bombadil fans can suck it because that singing tree hugger part of the book brought the story to a dead fucking stop.

Listen, when I was a kid I thought the web came from his wrist. When it was changed in the film, I didn’t really mind it. I was only making the point that these screenwriters and directors have to make things “more believable” by changing this here and that there. All I’m saying is don’t tinker. Half the work is already done.

And certain liberties are fine (I haven’t seen any of the Spider-Man movies, or any of the Lord of the Rings movies, so I can’t comment on these), but I THINK Spider-Man’s costume was pretty much the classic suit, right? And if they had been like, “Oh, fuck that. He’s gonna wear sunglasses now and have a trench coat,” I think people would be FUCKING PISSED.

It’s that kind of shit that annoys me. Story-wise, it’s gonna either sink or swim. At LEAST give me the visuals and characters I grew up with. After all, this movie was MADE FOR people like me, not newbies to the Joe world.

I’m really indifferent to the whole thing. The toys were fun, but the shows were just a vehicle for ridiculous armaments and giant explosions. From the trailers, the movie seems to capture that pretty well. The 80’s cartoon Joe wasn’t really new anyway, it was a reboot of the 50’s and 60’s dolls. Anyway, it couldn’t be any worse than that last transformers movie; but that isn’t really saying much.

These movies are made to bring back nostalgia for the people who used to love and horde all things GI JOE when they were young. The perfect GI JOE movie should look like the originals in most ways and extol the campy virtues of the early ’80s. Yeah the story should rock and that’s where screenwriters come in but why change the characters? They were great then and you’re not adding to them or my memories of them by changing it all up. The trailers don’t even remotely remind me of the GI JOE I knew and loved and until the title flashes on the screen I bet most people don’t know what they’re watching. Remakes shouldn’t be unrecognizable!

OK well with all these boy movies, where are movies made for the Barbie dolls I had and all her stories and friends? Hmm? No Barbie and Ken? I want a girl nostalgia remake! She had a sweet Nintendo (NES) game too!

P.S.- They picked that dude for Doc Oc (who I loved in Coffee and Cigarettes), because he fit into the suit, they were going to go with Christopher Walken but he was too scrawny.

Plus, who did you want, a real Austrian, like the Govern-ator? Ahhn-old Swarzenegger?

Seriously Katie? A Barbie Movie??? Maybe I’ve always been too much of a tom boy but I think if a Barbie movie came out I’d personally use my GI JOE’s to attack the premier…that could make a great GI JOE movie!!!! What would you even have as a story line in a Barbie movie? Wasn’t her life perfect? That would make for a boring/super lame movie. All that being said, in the intrests of ‘playing nice with others’, as long as I don’t have to watch it I hope you get your movie too.

Okay, has anyone ever told you you are a freaking idiot? Don’t review a movie until you’ve seen it. First rule of reviewing with any credibility. If you’d seen the damn movie, not only would you have possibly liked it, but most of you’re questions would have been answered (this tends to be how movies work.) First off, Destro doesn’t have a mask yet ’cause he gets it at the end of the movie. Same goes for Cobra Commander, who is in this movie, by the way. Also, Destro happens to be white in the comics, so he could just as well be white in anything else. He’s Scottish, so there’s a good chance he is.

Man, go watch the move and stop wasting all of our time. You just sound stupid. There was nothing wrong with this movie. It was an interesting and fresh take on a classic story and it brought a great, but corny TV show to the Big Screen in a great way. Hell, even if you watch it and don’t like it, I won’t mind. Just don’t waste our time talking about something you admit to having no freaking clue about.

Yeah, but YOU still haven’t seen it, which my entire point. I didn’t say anything about your friends’ opinion and that wasn’t what your message was about, so it’s irrelevant. I don’t care if you like the movie or not, I just think it’s dumb of you to bash a movie you have no idea about.

Not to mention that you’re the one who said the movie should be based more on the cartoon and its campiness. I’m fairly certainly sinking ice would be very along the cartoon’s usual line. Plus, the ice was filled with metal from the base and metal DOES sink. The ice wasn’t sinking, the metal was, the ice just happened to be stuck on the metal. Maybe if you’d seen the movie, you’d know that.

Lol. The jig is up! Ya got me. These days I just sit around thinking of which movies I can be in that’ll tick over people’s childhood the most. Next up…. Scooby Doo, the Early Years. You’ll love it.

All joking aside, you should actually just maybe bother to watch the movie and see if you like it. I mean, hell, what if you do? If you don’t, you get to watch basically two hours of epic explosions and people yelling ‘Yo, Joe!’. What’s not to like about that? That’s basically the entirety of the last ten minutes of any given G.I. Joe episode, really. = ) So maybe you’ll enjoy it. If nothing else, if you really are such a huge fan, you’ll probably be able to spot all the small, really quick references to the cartoon/comics, like Cover Girl’s cameo.

Holy shit. I can’t believe you CAME BACK after two and a half years. That’s commitment, dude.

Alright, I’ll do it. Seriously. The fact that you resurfaced after all this time is impressive, so I’ll do it. My wife is probably going to kill me. Funny, because she wasn’t my wife when I first wrote this post. She was just a girlfriend.