To have a relationship where one feels a healthy sense of love from another, is one of the most important elements of having a fulfilling relationship. Love can mean different things to different people, but generally this can include: affection, kindness, support, validation, touch, care and trust. And while this can be a fundamental need that people can have in a relationship, it doesn’t mean that everyone will experience this. For the person who feels lovable; this will often be a part of life and something that is normal and taken for granted. But for someone who feels that they are not lovable, this can feel like something that only other people can have and that they are unlucky or unfortunate. It may seem like nothing more than a dream and as a hope that may be fulfilled in the future.The Unforgettable Need Even though one may feel unlovable, it doesn’t mean that this need is simply going to disappear. There are a number of things that can happen as a result of this feeling. One of these is that one can have moments of repressing this need and then trying to fulfil the need; it can then become a cycle that one has. When the feeling has subsided, one can look to be loved by another and then retract or give up when this feeling arises or when another rejects them in some way. Another thing that can take place is the need to look or be perfect in order to be loved. Here, one can come to the conclusion that they will finally be lovable. This could include the attainment of wealth, material possessions, academic achievements and in needing to look physically beautiful at all times.Patterns As a result of this inner experience that one has of not being lovable, there is likely to be certain patterns in one’s life. It could be that one constantly attracts people who are either emotionally or physically unavailable or abusive for instance. One may even have a history of relationships that don’t last very long. Here, the relationship just seems to end for no apparent reason or cause. There could also be numerous experiences of being rejected and abandoned in relationships.The Story The mind is then likely to come up with all kinds of reasons or stories as to why this keeps happening. Even though these may appear to validate what is taking place and settle the mind, one is still ending up in the same situations over and over again. And this means that one is neither moving on nor attracting someone who does love them.The Other Side One may even have had experiences where someone did show love towards them. And instead of feeling drawn towards this person, they were repelled. Consciously, one could say that they didn’t feel anything for the other person or they were not their type for example. Or perhaps it related to a situation where the relationship was unable to be continued. This could relate to: a holiday romance, someone who is married or in another relationship for example. So regardless of whether one is attracted to someone who is unavailable in some way or if one attracts people who they don’t find attractive: the results are the same.A Deeper Look Although the ego mind can edit and filter out certain experiences that don’t match up with an outlook that it has identified with; the body will often have something else to say. And while one may feel unlovable and want to be loved at a conscious level, at a deeper level (in the body), there is likely to be another dynamic taking place. So, as one feels unlovable on the inside, it means that the ego mind will cause one to attract people who mirror this and to interpret life in this way. This is due to how the ego mind functions. It is constantly looking for validation in relation to what it has associated as the truth. To the mind, what is true is what is familiar and what is familiar is what is interpreted as being safe.Why Is This? So the question is - why would someone only feel safe when they are unloved and unsafe when they are loved? This brings the focus to the childhood years. One of the biggest factors is going to be how one was cared for by their primary caregiver.Childhood There is said to be two styles of caregiving, one is empathic and the other unempathic. The empathic caregiver is someone who is generally emotionally present; they are in tune with the Childs needs and wants. And this means that they will: sooth, mirror, validate and touch the child at the appropriate times. Here the child can come to learn that other people can be trusted and that its needs and wants are important. A natural consequence of this will be that it deserves to be loved and cared for. The Childs sense of self will also be formed though this process.Unempathic Care On the other hand, the unempathic caregiver is someone who is generally emotionally unavailable. They are out of tune with the Childs needs and wants. And this means that the child is unlikely to be: validated, mirrored, soothed or touched at the appropriate times. Due to this, the child can come to learn that other people can’t be trusted and that its needs and wants are not important. As a result of this, the child can come to the conclusion that it doesn’t deserve to be loved or cared for. The child may also develop weak sense of self through this.Consequences For the child that primarily receives unempathic care, it is typically going to create a lot of emotional pain. And it can also form what the child feels safe with and therefore recreates as an adult. The Childs original experience and the reference point that is then created, can lead to the conclusion that they are not worthy of being loved. As this early experience was so powerful, it can become the truth of who one is and what others are like. The outlook is: if I was not loved by my caregiver, then why would anyone else love me. And should another person show love towards them, it may trigger suspicion and fear. It just wouldn’t feel comfortable to be with someone who is loving and this is because it isn’t familiar. What is familiar to the ego mind, is someone who is distant or unavailable. This is what feels safe and it is often out of one’s conscious awareness.Awareness The associations that were formed in the past and emotional pain that became trapped in the body are causing one to re create the past. As the emotions have remained in the body, they are defining what one feels comfortable with and the kind of people that one attracts and is attracted to. Through releasing these repressed emotions, one will not only be able to attract someone who is loving, but also feel comfortable having someone who is loving. This process can be assisted through a therapist or healer, who allows one to feel their feelings and therefore release them.

If you feel this has been of value, please leave a comment, like or get in touch. And feel free to share this article.

This is definitely the most insightful article that I can relate to that I have ever read. Thank you so much, how do you know all of this. No one that I have had therapy with has ever been able to really understand me. Life has been so difficult, this article makes me tear up, I really don't know how to thank you. Wish it could transform me though, but I am working on it everyday, but time is limited. So many regrets, so many. Thank you again, keep up the great work that you are doing. I will look forward to your posts on Tony's blog and your articles.

thank you for your comment. I am pleased that this article has assisted you. Keep going and don't give up.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

Briana

14/5/2014 04:09:12 pm

This article gave me some insight to the short term relationships that I can't seem to hold. It's happened consistently, and I grew up in a household with parents who cared for me, but they were constantly fighting each other physically and emotionally and had alcoholism problems. Can this all be sorted out with therapy? I've never seen a therapist before, but I'm tired of getting hurt at the end of a relationship. I want to be loved by someone longer than a couple of months.

I'm tired of it. I've been in four relationships since I started dating (I'm 21) and each one has lasted no more than 3 months. It's consistent. For whatever reason, the excuse is always, "the spark is never felt." I always put my whole heart into a relationship, but it seems like every single time I try, the guy gives up.
Every break-up I've been told I am beautiful, smart, hilarious, and ambitious. Every time. I hear all these things and wonder what it is I'm doing wrong. I ask, and all they can say is that they liked me but no further emotion developed.
I am a nice girl, I treat them just as I would like to be treated and I believe that in this modern day the man doesn't always have to pay for the woman. I cook and offer to clean for them, I make them laugh, I cuddle, I'm not prude (I sleep with them) and yet every single relationship slowly dies out after two months. Why? I don't know. I don't know why, and I can't help but think there is something wrong with me that has caused this trend. I am an ambitious person, and guys have told me that they think I'm going places in the world and that 'maybe I just need time to work on myself.' Is this supposed to imply that I am scarred? Should I seek counseling? I just can't solve the puzzle. I am told that I have such great qualities and yet I can't make it past a couple of months in a relationship all because they aren't falling for me. Why? I've never been in love, and I feel like I don't ever know when I'm not in love either. I want to give it a chance, but how can I when I'm constantly being broken up with because they just aren't falling for me? I just don't know what's wrong with me that I can be liked and dated, men fin me attractive, but I can't hold down a relationship. Yes, I want to find time for myself and get places in this world. I aspire to be a screenwriter/director. Yet, I just want to be loved like anyone else in the world. Guys fall for me but quickly (and strangely) fall out of love with me after two months. I don't get it.

The main thing is that you have taken a step back and decided to do something different.

It is clear that there is conflict within you and this is causing you to sabotage intimacy. I have written a number of articles on intimacy and these can be found in the relationship category.

These may help you to gain a better understanding of what is taking place within you. If I can do anything else, just let me know.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

Tattie

19/10/2014 07:38:29 am

Briana,
I don't necessarily have any pearls of wisdom, but as a 60 year old intentionally single woman, I have to fear that you, like so, so many other women are seeking validation from men.
You are still so young, and life at your age is very, very difficult. Please realize that satisfaction with self can only come from within. And, it takes time. But genuine fulfillment will never come from men.

Reply

Lucy Kay

15/8/2014 07:22:00 am

I totally identify with Briana. Thank you for sharing your experience. For many years I've felt alone. I totally relate because I've been through the exact same thing. Thank you Oliver for posting this insightful article. So many things in my life are finally making sense. To Briana, I hope you and I will find answers. You sound like a great person. To Oliver, this is amazing work that you do. Please continue to help and inspire people.

I am glad that you're experiencing more clarity and i'm sure that you will continue to find what you need!

And thank you for your kind words. If there is anything else I can do, please get in touch.

Oliver

Reply

Susan

15/5/2015 06:14:20 am

Thankyou for the reminder. After years of therapy, the key to at least remotely healing from having an unfortunate mother & siblings has been for me to leave the family of my childhood behind. No sentimentality, no keeping the flame of happy memories alive, no uncomfortable holiday gatherings. The terrible emptiness I feel in their presence and subsequent recovery time after these occasions is unbearable. The sense of self & self worth I have worked so hard to achieve all these years cannot be robbed from me as I have walked through a door that is firmly closed behind me.

I feel your pain and I have been in the same place as yourself. You have done the right thing for yourself. Growing up in a dysfunctional family does make one feel unlovable. I am still working on it. I sincerely hope you have a good therapist and learn to deal with your past. It is the best thing you could have done for yourself. If you really work on fostering good relationships with friends, things will slowly turn around. Loving yourself is the most important, there is no formula for that, as I am still working on that. I lived with lots of abuse and it is hard to remove those tapes from your head. I think you sound as though you have firmly conquered your past. Best wishes to you.

I am pleased to hear that you are making progress, and that you are putting your well-being first.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

Anika

15/5/2015 11:16:24 pm

Hi Oliver,
I read your article with interest. Do you think there's a difference between feeling unlovable and believing that no-one will love you? I identify with a lot of what you've said but I don't believe that I'm not worthy of love, I don't sabotage relationships and I don't push people away. It just happens that no-one has ever loved me romantically and I need to deal with that and stop dwelling on it. I'm 41. This is proving to be quite challenging!

its hard to say, as if you feel a certain way there are likely to be beliefs around those feelings. And if you have certain beliefs, there are also going to be feelings that arise as a result. Each aspect influences the other.

I would need more information to really answer this. So feel free to send me an email via the contact page.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

Stephenie

6/9/2015 08:20:31 pm

I found this article at the perfect time I think. Currently working on healing myself from a traumatic childhood and coming to terms with caregivers who did more harm than good and finally finding answers for why I've felt unloved and unworthy my whole life no matter what I've said, done, or accomplished. Thank you for providing a stepping stone through this. I feel I can do more research and get to the roots of the problems now.

I am pleased to hear that this article has made a difference. It sounds like you are on the right track.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

rended heart

13/10/2015 12:22:40 am

I'm tired of repeatedly getting what I call 'The Three Speeches' and being banished to The Friend Zone.

The first speech is the soul crushing "you're a 'nice guy', but not for me" speech.

This is quickly followed by the "there's someone out there for you, but it's not me" speech that offers false hope, and ends with the "I love you, but not that way..." speech that feels like an acid dipped knife being slowly and repeatedly twisted in the wound.

That's why I've sent Nice Guy away, and banished Hopeless Romantic.

Good Man makes infrequent appearances, Curmudgeon shows up quite a bit, and the frenemy that helped break up my last relationship found out that I now let Complete Asshole off the leash to play.

I'm currently in the middle of growing my business so that I can find a gold-digger.

It'll be an honest relationship - I'll know why she's with me, I'll avoid being alone and getting The Three Speeches again as long as I can keep making money, and there will be the remotest of chances that she'll actually fall in love with me and not the money...

If you need support, make sure you reach out. This will give you the chance to change how you experience your life.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

Smilyface

21/2/2016 11:20:27 pm

True love is nonsense. It might not be for many happy relationships but in my case it is. I am 32, if it was going to happen it would have already. Beyond a certain point people cease to be worth considering a relationship with due to temperament and outlook on life. These are the unloveable people who cannot hope to find a partner. Sure, perhaps they believe that by changing themselves or reaching out someone might eventually figure out that they cannot stomach feeling alone but by then, they are beyond help because being self absorbed is too deep a habit to reject. So some people do die without a partner or kids. That is a fact of life. At least that is how í feel just now. It seems logical enough to me just now anyway.

I would say that how yoou feel is normal based on what you have gone through.

However, I would also say that your life doesn't have to stay this way forever. When you feel ready, you can reach out for the right assistance and change your life.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

Rebeka

14/9/2016 10:41:03 am

Thankyou for this article. It helped me so much.. I feel like I've been hurting for as long as I can remember living. There was so much pent up self blame for everything that goes wrong that when things got really bad Self harming was my only relief. Your article helped me heal, validated my feelings and experience and helped me accept the idea that I can be lovable. <3 so much thanks for shining a light on what I could not understand on my own. keep up the great work

Hi. I'm sisi 25 years old female. I never had a boyfriend myself. I grew up with my grandparents because my parents were separated. I never met my father and my
Mother needs to work overseas. She has a new family but her husband died. I always feel jealous with my brother. And i feel awkward talking to my mother. I don't even want to talk to her on the phone because she doesn't seem to show some affection towards me. I never had a boyfriend because whenever there is a possibility for a love to blossom, there is something in my mind telling me that NO you should not continue this thing. Stop falling in love. And i always feel like i am not worthy to be loved by anyone else. I keep this sadness to myself. I don't open this up to somebody else because i'm afraid they'll grew tired of my stories. And i dpn't fix myself because i feel like it will be useless since no one will appreciate or like me anyway. And i hate this feeling. I feel sad all the time.

it sounds like it would be a good idea for you to work with a therapist or a healer. This will give you the chance to deal with what is taking place within you and to move forward.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

JustMe

9/9/2017 12:14:52 pm

Sisi, your comment made me cry. "And I don't fix myself because I feel like it will be useless since no one will appreciate or like me anyway." :(

I know exactly what you mean but you know what? Don't "fix" yourself for someone else, do it for you!

You don't deserve to feel this way, noone does. There's got to be something within you that will push you to seek help. Please dig in deep and do it. You are worth it!!

I'm not in a much better place than you but at least I want it fixed and soon. I don't want to feel like this forever. I've figured if I've made it this far alone, I could go on alone but without that sense of self-worthlessness.

I also think of myself as unlovable and a "damaged good" and I'm not looking for anyone because I belive nobody deserves to be with someone with my kind of emotional issues. It just wouldn't be fair. I just want that feeling to go away so that I can at least be at peace with myself and enjoy my loneliness.