Wednesday, May 04, 2005

When Prom Dates Attack!

Most people have fond memories of their prom, from spending a wonderful evening with your classmates to having lustful teenage sex afterwords in a cheap hotel, this should be an important night for any High school student. Well, my prom experience was a absolute nightmare so let me share my pathetic experience with all of you.

As I remember it I had no plans to go to prom whatsoever. See, I went to Kempsville High School in Virginia Beach, Virginia from 1989-1991. I have no ill feelings towards my alma mater, but the parties and functions that I had attended my sophomore and junior years were the epitome of wackness. The music was always weak, but then again it is kind of easy to forget about the 8 black students out of 300 seniors that went there. Feeling that the prom would just be like any other wack function that i had went to, I decided early that I would be skipping that particular event.

That is until the one day I had a misinterpreted conversation with a girl named Tesha(Named changed to protect the guilty). Tesha comes up to my locker while I'm standing beside it and says, "So Critic, are you going to prom?" Remembering my anti-prom stance I quickly said, "Hell no!" She chuckled and said, "You know, we should go to prom together. Lets go to prom together!?" Thinking she was joking by the giggling she was doing I said, "Yeah, lets go to prom together. You are officially my date!" We both had a good laugh and went about our way. Fast forward a week later and she gives me a call telling me that she already paid for her dress, and that she can't wait to go to prom with me. I said, "I thought we were joking! Are you bullshitting me?" Her long pause told me that she was serious as a heart attack, then she said "Well OK, I think I can get my money back.(long sigh)" For a person known for throat chopping motherfuckers and cursing out priests, I have shown moments of weakness in my life. This was one of those moments as I told her that I was down with going to the prom after hearing the utter disappointment in her voice.

The weird thing is a few days later I was giving a ride to this chick named Arleen . See, I had a crush on her but she never gave me the time of day, the mere fact that she asked me for a ride home was surprising to say the least. I know that she was only one of the 4 black females in my senior class, but she was the finest black girl in the school. She asked me, "HumanityCritic, do you have a date to prom?" She wanted to go to prom with me and i am going with a chick that's forcing me to wear a peach cummerbund!! FUCK!! I should have gave Tesha the old heave-ho and went with Arleen, but unfortunately I had a conscious so I told Arleen that I already had a date.

As you all know about prom, it is that you and your date have to coordinate the colors you will be wearing. Since she got her dress without agreeing with me on a color I knew that my bow tie and cummerbund would have to be whatever color her dress was. I went to her house to see her dress and meet her mother since i felt it was only right to introduce myself. For one thing her mother was ghetto as fuck, asking the both of us "Are yall gonna fuck after the prom? I quickly ignored what she had asked us and I told Tesha that I wanted to see her dress. As I saw her dress I was horrified, not because the dress was ugly because it was average enough. I was horrified because the color of said dress was peach. Peach!! Which meant that I would have to get a peach bow tie and cumber bun, looking like some sort of gay pimp.

Prom day comes and I have everything set for a memorable night. My people had rented me a kick ass convertible car, me and my boy Ron had got these two adjoining hotel rooms for a prom after-party that we had planned, everything seemed perfect. I pick up my date and I quickly notice her continuously adjusting her dress, apparently wearing a strapless dress is a no-no if it isn't fitted properly or you don't have big enough breasts to fill it out. Even though I have the top up, she keeps complaining about her hair and how the wind is messing it up. She couldn't stop complaining. When we went to the restaurant where we met my boy Ron and his date, Tesha ordered a shitload of food which caught everyone's attention. One dating rule that I have always had has been that a chick can order whatever she wants, just she better eat that shit. This chick took literally 4 bites of her food and claimed that she was "full". I said, "Oh hell no, you better eat that shit!" She refused, and when I inquired for a doggie bag she declined once again. I said "Fuck that", and had the waiter put the food in a doggie bag anyway.

It got worse when we got to the actual prom. For one thing we danced once, she virtually ignored me all night, and when we did talk it was these brief and weird conversations. Granted the prom was wack anyway, but I realized early on that the chances of me getting some "Late-night love" was quickly deteriorating.

After the prom she had the audacity to say how hungry she was and that I should buy her something to eat. I throw the doggie bag from the restaurant in her lap, and while cruising down the highway I let down the convertible top making her hair a virtual mess. We all meet up at the hotel, all 8 of the black senior class and some other of my friends of various racial backgrounds. Arleen show up looking tired and disheveled. We asked her what happened and she informs us that she never made it to prom because her dates car broke down. It seems that we both would have been better off if we went with each other.

Then this guy shows up who no one knows. Come to find out Tesha had called him up there to chill with her. Worse than that Tesha had implied that she wanted to "use" the room with the guy in question later on that night. I mean, I know we weren't hitting it off but what the fuck was that? I gave her a "have you lost your motherfucking mind" look and simply mumbled "hell no" and went about entertaining the people who had come to the room.

Her guy friend leaves and she informs me that she wants to be taken home immediately. Looking back I regret that I did this but: 1)I asked her why couldn't her raggedy ass man take her home? 2)When the females were saying, "that's fucked up HumanityCritic", I still refused until my homegirl took her home.

The night ended with Ron, this guy named Jimmy, and I cruising downtown laughing at the transvestites standing on the street corner. I never laughed so hard in my laugh, definitely making the night a little better. We weren't laughing at them because they were homosexual, we were laughing because many of them were built like bodybuilders. I'd pull up and say, "You ain't fooling anybody motherfucker! You are built like Hulk Hogan!" Ahh, to be 17 and immature, I miss those days.

My prom night was pretty cool. The only really wild thing was my prom date's father smokin' weed while he was taking pictures of us at his home before we left to head to the prom. So my date and I walk into the prom smellin' like weed and we weren't even tokin'.

Of course, my prom date decided to suprise me and cut her head almost bald. So there we enter the prom, both of us with no hair, her nose pierced (the nose pierce thing has grown on me over the years), and both our eyes blood shot red. I forgot the necessary Visine for red over-smoked eyes.

so you took tesha although you didnt want to go. such selflessness! awwww see you do have some tendency to be nice. humanity critics got a soft side, lol. hey i was just kidding that throat chop was completely uncalled for mister! :-)

yo first of all I'm am glad you showed her ass the doggie bag and secondly I'm sorry you didn't get any prom booty. I had fun at my prom but as my father is a crazy jamaican, I had to bring my ass home DIRECTLY after prom... he was not having it! LOL!

Hey HC... I didn't go to any proms, I was in an abusive relationship and the asshole wouldn't take me! He said it was cause he didn't think he was a good dancer. A week after it was over he had the nerve to tell me I could have gone with someone else! Man if only I could re-due that part of my life!!!!

you know, i am always sorry i never went to prom. i still have peadophilic dreams of one of the cuties in my neighbourhood having a crush on me and asking me to his prom. of course, at the end of the night, i take my tired ass home 'cause a sista ain't about to be thump-thump-thumping with a bunch of drunk teenyboppers all night, but still... *sigh* i love to play dress up!

I drove myself to the prom, took my picture and dipped. If I would have been thinking... I would have gone with a guy just for the late night part of prom. Bad part is I had a boyfriend and I told him I was "too cool" for the prom scene, he was pissed when he saw the prom picture.