Secret Diary of Lindsay Lohan

Sunday, September 16, 2007

1995 was a tough year for me. It was just before I broke into my acting and modeling career. My family was really poor. we couldn't afford any drugs, even the prescription kind.

I still remember all the hard work and anxiousness that I felt about my life and career. Imagine being 9 years old and having to support 2 dead-beat parents and a younger sister. Now that's pressure.

But I still remember where I was when I heard the OJ verdict. There was this makeup artist with Toys R US named Monique and she could never get my hair to look right. We got in a huge fight and I slapped her cross the face and called her a dirty tramp. She was just about to throw a right hook to my eye socket when OJ Simpson literally saved my life.

Just as she cocked her arm back the TV in the room announced that the jury had come to a decision in the OJ Simpson case. Monique stopped dead in her tracks and we both turned our attention to the TV. From their it was only a matter of minutes before we were hugging and celebrating the juice's innocence.

It really showed us that we were on the right track. I mean if famous people can't get out of trouble when they are obviously guilty, then what were we working so hard for? Not to mention that it is very hard to get work when you are a 9 year old with a collapsed eye socket.

So it saddens me a bit to see OJ in trouble again. I guess that he robbed a casino this time?? The Oceans 11 movies are cool, but it is just a movie.

OJ, 11 years ago you supported me with your fake sincerity and I am going to do the same for you this time around.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Monday, September 10, 2007

Holy shit, I know the Internet is buzzing with BritSpa footage, but I have to say it too. Did you see Britney show evidence of a lobotomy on prime time television yesterday?

Kids, if you ever want to know what rehab feels like, just watch the video below. It's kind of like everyone around you is having fun enjoying life and you are just bored to death and can barely move. which is exactly what happened last night.

At one point I was sure that "Britney" was going to pull of a mask and reveal that she was really Debbie Reynolds.

Right now you have to make a choice Brit, either start partying again or just completely disappear for about 3 years.

Sunday, September 9, 2007

You really have to give it up to Vanessa Hudgens, she is pulling off the naked picture PR very well. Here is yet another report of naked pictures of her on the Internet. There is only one problem, the pictures aren't on the Internet.Me, Paris, Brittany and even that grandmother Pam Anderson did the right thing - we got the pictures on the Internet. For some reason this new generation of "stars" just don't seem to get the concept. They are getting coverage with TMZ reporting the issue, but the evidence isn't available.

I just want to advise that you can't disappoint your fans like this and expect them to keep coming back. As our great president once said "fool me once, shame on you but don't.... fool me second... what I'm trying to say is don't get fooled again." I think that sums it up pretty well.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

I have to apologize that I haven't been posting much. As you know (I'm sure you read every word that you can about me) I am out of rehab for a bit so I can have a little fun.

Besides that, The Hills have started and I can't pull away from the TV. I don't care if I have seen the episode 10 times, there is no way to pull myself away. The Hills is like crack, or I should say that Crack is like the Hills trust me. I am probably going to go into a TV rehab center where they let me do drugs so that I can break the habit of watching all this shit TV.

Anyways, I'm doing ok. Going to try to stay out of the news for a week or so just to try something different. Thanks for all the supportive letters. Even though half of them make no sense I appreciate the fact that you bought a stamp and mailed them to me.

Friday, August 31, 2007

It so saddens me to see everyone jumping on top of Miss South Carolina. I don't understand what the deal is. Watch the video.

I mean she is beautiful, who cares what she says. It may not have made sense to you, but did you ever think that you just aren't good looking enough to understand her message?

I know talent when I see it and this girl definitely has some. She doesn't even look like she feels awkward throughout her South African rant. Do you think you could keep that amount of composure while making as little sense as she does.

Before you start throwing stones, take a look in the mirror. And if you look like her you just may have what it takes to make it in this world. Who cares what you say.

Friday, August 24, 2007

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I am the worlds biggest star, do you really think that I could possibly go to jail.

Sure things looked bleak. I was arrested for DUI twice. I was arrested for cocaine possession twice. I tried to blame everything on a black kid after I drove drunk to a police station with booger sugar in my pocket. I got caught giving the arresting officer a handjob.

And things still turned out exactly how I said they would. As numerous sources are reporting very accurately I won't do any jail time. Well officially I have to serve one day, but that is just to show people that I can be normal. what is actually going to happen is that I will figure out a way to clone myself and then I'll have the clone serve the day in jail.

When she gets out of the slammer I will murder her and bury her in the backyard and I still won't get in trouble. You do the math.