I woke up with fat tears all over my face. I couldn't even get through my sunday pancake making routine without bursting into tears. I'm just heartbroken and stunned at the same time. My family got really scary news last night, and we're all trying not to have nervous breakdowns.

You think your parents are going to be around forever, because they always have so far. It's a very strange feeling to be an adult child of very sick parents. Their mortality is so fleeting, but you don't think about it.

I found out something this morning that made me so upset, I can barely talk to people about it. It's very frustrating to burst into hormonal tears every time something upsets you or makes you angry. You don't sound rational, you just sound like a freak who can't get it together. Anyway. I found out that a few more people I know and care about are just horrible people. It's one thing when you know it because they are assholes to your face, it's another thing to find out they are behind-the-backers (or behind-the facers, really, because if they do it behind your back, it's right in front of you, right?) anyway.

It's nice out. The air smells clean and the sun came out for a little while, which is a nice change. I only wish I felt better so that I could enjoy it.

I've been dizzy for a couple of days, ever since the flu shot really, and I got my crown yesterday morning. So the headache and dizziness are just par for the course this week. What a sluggy week it's been.

Trying to clear my head, I crawled under my desk to alleviate the dizzy. I managed to fall asleep instead, and I just woke up. Luckily, I woke up about 10 minutes before my boss popped his head in to ask for something. Hi, sleepy girl just passed out for 45 minutes, please excuse.

It did help a little. Except for the obvious red bump marks on my face from where I was snoozing against my sweater.

Things that are bugging me:
The weird suicide attempt in LA with the metro trains. That just strikes me as so wrong. If you are going to kill yourself, just fucking do it, don't drag other people into it. And if you're going to do it stupid like that idiot asshole, don't jump out of the car at the last minute to sit back and watch your handiwork. I hope they keep that bastard alive on bread, water, and sauerkraut for the next 150 years. I hope he gets so thin he wants to die again, but they pump him full of food, just enough to keep his heart pumping, so he can remember their screams. Ass. I do want to note that Costco employees rock. They made unlimited pizzas for the firefighters, and they helped rescue tons of people.

That Tsunami song. I do not get how ANYONE on the fucking planet would think that calling the 200,000 people who died there derogatory names like "chink" and "chinamen", making a song about it to the tune of We Are The World, and then playing it over and over again on a radio station WHILE ASIAN PEOPLE ARE PROTESTING. Asian people of all walks of life are NOT COOL with that, and are not sitting down about it, thank god. But honestly, who does that? No one is going to BUY that thing. And the worst part is that the station only "suspended" the offending DJs and on the radio station's website apology, you can't tell if they are suspended without pay. Even though one of them said they wanted to shoot asians, like that's just heeelarious joke. You funny. Because that's just such a hysterical joke, seeing your mom with a tree through her head and swimming against a tsunami. Very funny. Evelybody Raff. I'm just fucking doubled over here. Why is it suddenly okay for minorities to say horrible things about other minorities? In any case, I hope those two African American jerks know Kung Fu, because I think they will probably get their asses kicked by some angry asians in an alley. Anyway. I hope people of ALL colors keep the heat on.

I'm also seriously bugged by the fact that the Gubernator met with the Press Club yesterday and unleashed his thoughts on the democrats, saying they aren't doing enough in this state to pass the governor's budget. Dude, your budget is lame. Give up. You must desist. No one wants to work with you, you cigar smoking freak. You are dumb, dumb as rocks. Go back to LA. You can't go back to Austria, because they don't want you anymore. I think it's funny that their is a group of Austrians who want your citizenship revoked.

The spaghetti squash I ate last night might have been going bad. Ugh. I feel like crap.

I woke up early, so that's good, did the AM chores (I didn't have to feed White Meat this AM because yesterday he went to the big Cat House In The Sky. RIP Mr. Meat. We will miss ya.) But then I hiked out to my car in my rain boots, and my car was sunk in the mud. Ugh.

I managed to slowly get it out, but mein gott. Not how I planned to start my day.

Then, I get to the bus stop. It's running late, of course, so I just sort of march in place trying to stay warm. The bus comes, I say "Good Morning", the driver ignores me, and then jumps on the gas before I'm seated. I basically slipped and went flying and started crying. I now have big bruises on my arm and leg. I informed him like this "Jeez!! I just like totally SLIPPED back here, okay guy?" I think I revert to early 80s valley speak when I'm I'm in pain or something. I was just really glad I didn't scream "FUCKING HELL MOTHER FUCKER what the fuck?" in front of all the grannies on the bus.

Something is drastically wrong with my keyboard here at work. It's totally wonky. It gives me > instead of. and it also will make everything capitals if I hit caps lock, but won't take them off when I hit it the second time. Weird. It's like my shift, control, and caps lock get stuck arbitrarily. And then when I try to edit? It erases everything. I need a new computer.

So, I get to work, and go buy a decaf latte, and nurse my large purplish bruises, and thank the Great Spirit that I didn't fall hard, and as I sip my coffee, it goes down my front. Because the fucking lid doesn't fit.

And now??? I have to hike to the dentist to finally get my crown put in. The same crown that had to be redone "grayer and spottier" in order to "match" my other teeth.

Yesterday was the most depressing day of the year. I was not depressed in the slightest. I was, however, sleep deprived.

Mostly due to a nightmare where I am upstairs in a cozy house and decide my OCD is too much for me, so I have to go downstairs to check that the front door is locked. When I turn around, there is someone in the house. I wake up, freak out, kick the covers off all of us, scare the crap out of Seamas, and then can't get back to 40 wink town because PF has a very delicate little snore that managed to keep me from my sleep. Poor thing, I think I managed to wake him up 40 times.

Yesterday I also got a flu shot, the highlight of my day. Apparently there is no shortage anymore. My arm hurt all night long. I don't remember other flu shots hurting so much. Maybe the injectionist (what the hell is the job title for that, anyway? Vaccinator?) went too deep or something ouchy like that.

Today I am snacking on mozzarella, diet cherry coke, and sweet tarts candy hearts, mainly the green and purple ones. It's my own fault, since I'm the one who brought them in to "share".
This made me upset, so I'm in the process of sending emails to all the listed companies even though I don't listen to the station. I'm feeling all righteous and shit. (thanks guph)

I went to the dentist to get my crown, and lo, it was 3-4 shades darker, and not in the same color family. So, I drove out to Carmichael just as rush hour was beginning in order to be "seen" in person, by my crown designer. He's going to do a "custom shade" that includes speckling my tooth with "white spots" because my rear teeth are so discolored (they used the words "grey" a lot). This is due to my mom having used some antibiotics during her pregnancy with me. It fuckled up all my top teeth. My brother has the same speckly grey/white teeth (same antibiotics, apparently), but because he smokes, you can't tell. Needless to say, my speckly teeth were so embarrassing to me as a pre-teen, I had them covered in resin. Since resin wears out, my current "front teeth" are very expensive veneers that caused me to hate cosmetic dentistry (you have no idea how often the fake plastic cover popped off and exposed my nerves to air. Yipes.) Therefore, I'm paranoid about my teeth, and I don't like the fact I'm still wearing plastic, and I am absolutely mortified that I have to "go back" to the dental place to have my fake tooth painted with speckles. It just made me want to cry.

So, I came home early, because really, there is nothing I want to do at work with a mouthful of novocaine and the echo in my head about how grey my teeth apparently are.

Home again, only to find that Bullet and Seamas were no longer in the yard where I left them this morning. Hoping I was wrong, and they were in the house, I ran inside.

That's when I started crying hysterically, hyperventillating, and in general panicking beyond belief. I ran out to check the fence that my housemate said she'd "fixed.". Fixed must mean different things to different people. My idea of fix is "repair to similar quality as the original." Her idea was to stick a bunch of twigs into the hole. I had tried to repair it a couple of times before after our next door neighbor alerted me to the hole, but she has the power tools. I figured our idea of "fixed" was the same, which is why I put the dogs out this morning, since it wasn't raining. I've found the dogs out 1 other time, but they hadn't gone very far, just playing in the driveway. This time, they were completely gone, gone, gone. I started freaking out right then, which is not good for me at any life stage. Aching tooth, cramps, freaking out, headache.

I called my housemate. I called the PF. I ran down our muddy private drive to each of the neighbors houses, knocking and yelling. My neighbor The Pregnant Man said he saw the dogs near a park, and that had he known they were mine he would have picked them up (because I bring his sorry assed dogs home every time they escape), so I went there first. I stopped a cop car on the road. I said "have you seen a 3-legged puppy and a grey dog at large?" Answer: no, but would remember if he had.

So, I am wandering aimlessly around the park playground calling plaintively, when my phone rings and it's my housemate who had just rec'd a call from a neighbor who had our dogs.

I called the neighbor and headed over.

Tracking the area the dogs covered today, it was over 4 miles. That's quite a jaunt for a 3 legged puppy named Bullet, but not too far for Seamas. They are now passed out on the couch. It must have been quite an adventure. I always joke about how Seamas likes to go for long walks. I even told him once that he could have a puppy if he "remembered to walk it every day." I guess he took me seriously or something.

I'm slightly more relaxed, but not quite enough to stop from crying every second I think of how I could have lost my dog to a car accident or crazy evil neighbor or something.

I really have to move. While she did put her work number on her dog tags, my housemate and I do NOT have the same values regarding animals and safety, no matter how much I want to pretend.

Anyway, do you think Cold Stone Creamery gift certificates would be a good "thank you" to the teenage girl who caught our dogs and dutifully called to let us know? I don't think paying someone to "find" dogs is a good idea, but a genuine heartfelt "thank you so fucking much I could kiss you and buy you an ice cream every day for a week" is much more pleasant.

Or maybe a $20. I dunno.

So then I tried to relax by watching TV. Ha. Fat chance. The Rice hearing got me all riled up again. Boxer impune her credibility??? How is that possible?? She has none. Condoleeza Rice, you have no credibility, you jackass.

And then I saw that Dover school district is issuing sticker for its science books that say "evolution is not a fact, only a theory." What the fuck is that?? That's a problem, that's what that is. And ABC news managed to make it worse by saying 61% of all Americans think that the biblical rendition of creation is factual and literal. Great. And people wonder why other nations hate us, think we are idiots, and wonder how we are a world power. Honestly? I have to wonder if they aren't completely right: we elect an imbecilic liar by a large margin; we somehow think either a supernatural power or an alien created "life" because "those goldurned cells are too complex to have happened random-like", and we are just plain dumb.

I heard that the population of N. Korea is starving to death. The people managing to exist on spartan calories are averaging 5' tall both men and women. They are only allowed to eat rice on Kim Jong Il's birthday. This is wrong. It's bad. They are a full 8 inches shorter than the S. Koreans, and it ain't teeny genes. An entire generation of fragile, tiny people, and it's not getting better. Why is it I just found out about it? Because it's not considered news. It's not news. And fuck you, Rice.

Today is another slightly dreary day. We had at least one sunny one this weekend. I miss it.

I spent a lot of time at my parentals cleaning stuff up in order to make room for myself. It's a lot of work. Sometimes I would just sit on the couch and think "Maybe I should just bite the bullet and move into a place that doesn't allow pets??" and then my real brain takes over and says "fuck that." Living with my mom, however bad it may eventually become, is infinitely better than living without Seamas.

Goals this year: pay down debt, be healthy. That'sa what I'm agonna do.

I also saw Harold and Kumar Go To Whitecastle this weekend. It's hilarious, but in the naughty gross ways. There are a lot of pubic hair and fart jokes, lots of stereotypes. Still, very funny.

I'm in a funk. I know why, but it's still a funky funk. Just glad PF is coming over this week. He spent the entire 3 days weekend working trade shows. Now he gets to work the Sacto one. I got the news last night. That was nice. I just absolutely adore him and really missed him these past 3 days.

Today I get my plastic cap removed and a real ceramic crown put on it. I've been chewing solely on the left side of my mouth for the past 2 weeks. The last couple of days I've been daring: I chewed gum and ate a carrot. Whoo-hoo! Not looking forward to the potential headache after getting my face battered by drills and sanders.

The only good thing about it is that it's almost spring. How do I know? The catkins are on the trees already and they are green, green, green.

In other news, my work has gotten exponentially more interesting. I'm still doing the stuff I'm supposed to do, but I'm also now in charge of pesticide research and legislation (did you know they spray pesticide on spare the air days? Did you know there are only 2 pesticides regulated? Did you know that in a 6X6 sq. mile "township", that hundreds of thousands of pounds of pesticide can be sprayed on any given day without anybody saying, "Hello, TOO MUCH. Get some ladybugs in here, stat!") I'm also doing geothermal transmission in the Imperial Valley region (I have never been to the Salton Sea, but I saw the movie) and I'm doing the ever more pressing coal plant research.

Have I said I love my job? I love my job.

However, it's too cold by the window in my office.

Either that, or maybe I'm running a slight fever, since I always feel chilled when I'm actually burning up.

And getting sick, my friends, would not be good at this time.

Also of note: has anyone heard about the newest Buy Nothing Day? On the inauguration when they throw all the balls for idiot man? The same "president" the red states elected, who actually finally admitted to Barbara Walters that there were no WMD??? Buy nothing when that man is inaugurated again. He's a bad, bad man.

I had a good night last night, pure solid sleep, no vivid nightmares, and I wasn't too hot or cold. But this morning I woke up freezing. That's because it was around 32 degrees outside, and my room's not all that well insulated. I cranked up the heat and heated up some decaf coffee.

Poor PF. He had very little sleep compared to me. That's because he's working wacky hours and driving back and forth from SF over and over again. Poor guy. He even let me cut his hair this week, but then he went and got it "fixed" by a barber. I tried to great gatsby his pseudo mullet. It didn't go over well, apparently.

Work is slow. I am trading emails about natural gas price indexing and how to find out the cost of uranium now that homeland security has pulled all the web info down.

The smells in the house where I live are making my gag reflex work overtime. It's a mix of dust, cat litter, ferret litter, wet dog, yard mud, and dirty dishes. I can't stomach it. I can barely function when a room smells bad. Mix in wet puppies, and I'm done for.

I woke up feeling like I have the flu, but I know what it really is. Plus, I got very little sleep last night. PF stays up most nights watching the late shows, but by 10 PM lately, I'm just exhausted. I can't stay "awake" but I can't quite sleep with a TV on, either. I'm not one of those who can just pass out with the flickering light going and the sounds of studio audiences in the background.

It is just raining like crazy here. It's been pouring all night long, and around 5 AM (after about 3 good hours of sleep), it started thunder-and-lightning. I got up, made some coffee, and watched La Conchita fall over and over again. The thing is, I was there when it fell 10 years ago. I remember driving down 101 and looking at the hillside sitting on the fancy beach homes, and thinking "holy cow. That's gonna happend until they quit living there." Basically, the same damn hill fell again, and moved farther. Last time, I think people were out of their houses for some reason. It took out 11 houses, but no one was hurt. This time, there are a few people dead from the slide, and there are more people under the mud that are in the process of hopefully being rescued as I write this. That town is right next to a banana plantation on the coast, literally on the coast. 101 runs along the water there just north of Ventura, and they are about 10 feet east of the 101.

I'm not surprised there are crazy floods in the southland. We've had just as much rain here, but we believe in planting trees so as not to be washed away by Winter. That was the one thing I hated about Socal when I lived there, and the central coast when I lived there. No proper trees. A jacaranda and a few palms, my friends, is not going to cut it when the river runs wild. Still, poor people. Stay dry.

Here, we just worry about roofs collapsing and the American ripping through levees. We don't worry too much about mudslides taking lives.

So much for sunny CA.

Maybe I will stay and work from home today. I don't feel so good and I'd just crabapple the entire office with my dreary snarling. Maybe I can get it together enough to clear up some of this stinky stink in here.

Hotel Rwanda kicked my ass. I feel guilty for asking someone back in 1994 what a Hutu and a Tutsi were. I remember laughing a little because the names sounded so ridiculous. I remember hearing about the massacres and thinking "that's some crazy shit", and not "we should do something". When my pal Jane left for Rwanda to study genocide and conflict resolution tactics before starting law school, I got to read about the aftermath and recovery of a really shredded country. Hotel Rwanda takes you to the place, when it happened, and makes you sit uncomfortably through corruption, murder, hate, butchering, and apathy. And you need to do it. Why? Because we forget this stuff happens as soon as it happens. Sometimes you really need the visual assistance to make a case for yourself to do something the next time it happens.

The thing is, it was just a civil war. JUST a civil war. Genocide was the extra icing on the cake for the majority. It gave one group of people the reason they needed to kill the other group they felt betrayed and persecuted by. I didn't understand until halfway through the film that Hutus and Tutsis are NOT Aafrican tribes. They were one people, split up by the Dutch or the Belgians (it got a little confusing for me with all the colonialism), into two groups: one light skinned and tall, one dark skinned and shorter. The lighter group was "closest" to the colonialists, and when the left, the darker skinned plebeian group became the majority. Again, these weren't tribes, but ascribed identities. Horrifying that people can turn on each other like that, killing babies and children, raping women...But like the PF said, it happens all the time. I am of the belief that the UN needs more power, more soldiers. Nolte's character said "we're peacekeepers not peacemakers". I frankly do not understand the difference. One means you are pacficists who carry guns???? I do not get it. I think that if there is a group of countries in charge of an army, instead of single dictators and presidents making decisions, than you don't need "coalitions". You have one built into the system. You can MAKE people stop killing each other by killing the people holding the machetes. Or at least shooting them in the leg. The UN, in the Rwanda situation and so many others, was powerless to stop the rampaging hordes of anger. It was just stomach turning.

I'm not some art collector, but I have such an appreciation for artwork. I love how people can create something and then have it become precious and valued over the ages. That's a type of immortality. Non?

I don't understand stealing art. Bread, sure. But art? To keep? It should all be in a museum. And that mom who hit it with a sledgehammer? Lordy. So disgustingly awful, I am getting nauseated.

I have had a crazy 24 hours. I mean that literally. As in "Woah. That's some crazy shite." Meaning, I've got new and unusual stressors in my life now.

I got very little sleep last night.

Part of it was that I kept having crazy dreams about the dentist. I had a tooth prepped for a crown today and boy, was that just NO FUN whatsoever. And I don't know about other people, but after an hour I was ready to jump out the window. I wobbled out of the office and nearly hit someone in my car because I was trying to shake the loopy dizzy feeling of having a drill ripping my tooth apart for nearly 45 minutes. The plastic doodad they stuck on to replace the real thing looks slightly more substantial than a chiclet. I'm absolutely terrified it's going to come off. Tonight, french onion soup and mashed potatoes.

And why are these things so expensive? It's like paying a medieval roman catholic torturer to perform horrible acts. My copay alone killed all dining out for most of the month.

I have bad cramps, I'm flushed, my face is throbbing, the girl at Stila couldn't find me a decent lipstick, which was a stupid thing to try to buy in the first place with a face full of novocaine, and I have bad cramps.

I could not smoosh my lips together, and the girl kept laying the lipstick on soooo thick, I looked completely weird. Am I the only person who dabs it on the bottom lip and then rubs my lips together to get it "just so"? I'm just not the type of gal to sit there and dab/paint my lips on thick and perfect. She tried about 5 different actual lipsticks before I just gave up and tried something more sheer and delicate.

I bought Stila Clear Color moisturizing lip tint in Berry, it was the least I could do to make myself feel better about my plastic tooth.

I wish myself and everyone else the best year possible. Celestial Seasonings came out with a Blueberry Tea that is so good, it might make your year happier. And more lycopened and phytonutriented.

There aren't too many good omens yet for the next 360 or so days, but it is rainy and green and the snowpack is deep enough already to ensure a good water year. I was a little depressed that Matsui died yesterday; I guess he was pretty sick, poor guy. I voted for him every one of his election years that I've been a voter.

You're not supposed to make too many resolutions. But luckily, I have no huge problems to deal with, so I can continue my last year resolutions and make a few tweaks to make life easier/more pleasant. I'm not about the negative.

My resolutions:
To not to procrastinate as much. Only when it's healthy. This means I'll be blogging less if I can help it.

To continue my weight loss/baby readiness efforts. I really have no idea why I am not losing weight like mad. I'm getting cut arms and legs (my legs are so defined, my trainer kept commenting on them every time I do a lunge), but my center/belly/boob/thorax is NOT slimming down in a satisfyinly obvious manner. It ain't like I'm downing tons of food, neither. Yesterday it was bagel/cream cheese breakfast, spaghetti and turkey sausage w/salad lunch, and mung bean/garbanzo/adzuki chili with a sprinkle of cheese and onions for dinner; I even had 2 chocolate peanut butter cups. Today is 7 grain organic flakes and lowfat organic milk for breakfast, a small blue potato, salad, and an orange for lunch with hazelnuts. That's pretty much how I eat when I'm not eating out. What gives? I have no idea. I'm just going to keep going to the gym. And tracking my foodies.

To get myself some yoga and pilates into my schedule. It's relaxing, it's good for my back. I need to relax and protect my back more, especially now that I'm getting older.

Pay down my credit even more. I'm going to try to make even bigger payments to everything. I really think I can do it.

To go camping with the PF more often. Judging from my xmas gifts, everyone else thinks so too. I got a lamp clamp, day pack, wet/dry gear, and a gift certificate to REI.

I think I'm also going to try to learn the banjo, but I'm not too worried about not getting that done.

Movies I have seen since xmas:
Life Aquatic: this was great. I laughed a lot. I may be a genuine Anderson fan, though. It wasn't like Royal Tennenbaums, but it had that slightly off kilter/silly feel with everyone acting like what they're doing is totally normal. I love Bill Murray: Beat Down Man.

The Aviator: this was also very entertaining. Leonardo DiCrapio got himself a good role, and played it out. I may have been more entertained knowing that I played on HH's property as a small child. My granparents live above the Hughes property, right near Lincoln Blvd where the Hercules (Spruce Goose) was pulled up to the Marina. I used to chase hares, ride my bike, explore the canyons, and cut up gourds on that marshy land where his airport used to be. Now there's a big building built by the Hughes corporation back in the 80s, and it's currently owned by LMU. There are also some apartments at the corner of Jefferson and Lincoln which were really weird. In any case, I grilled my grandparents on the historical stuff in the movie. My grandpa remembered the Beverly Hills crash. Pretty crazy.

I also saw House of Flying Daggers. The one thing people can say about it is the cinematography is impressive. So are the fight scenes. But the romance stuff? So fucking boring and annoying. Just make her an assassin and be done with it. She doesn't have to be in love with anyone. For pete's sake. It was this tragic love thing that made it a so so film. If it was all about beautifully choreographed fighting and beautiful autumnal inland China, it would have been a winner. Hero was better story wise.

My movie resolution: to see more during matinees, even if I have to leave the PF home in bed and go alone on Sunday mornings. I just can't do the credit card resolution and spend 10 bucks on every movie I want to see.