Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Jeez, ANOTHER Disembodied Head in the Shark Tank Story...

Well, you know it's a slow news day when I'm blogging about mundane shit like a picture of a floating head being spotted in the shark tank at a British aquarium.

I know. Yaw-fucking-n.

IT’S just what you’d expect to see in a snap from an aquarium. A shark, blue water — and a disembodied HUMAN HEAD.

Oh I should mention this story is coming from the reputable high-end British publication The Sun, and, accordingly, is stylistically comparable to a 12 year old's Youtube comments.

This story is currently sharing space with headlines like "Daniel Lloyd's hot and naked" and "Mum had sex with lad aged 14." Just so you know.

So the pic is here. (those limey wankers won't let me grab the pic, so CONGRATS you bad-teeth having fucks, here's your link)

This illustrates a point that I think about when I'm high sometimes...The inter-webs have completely destroyed my sense of wonder and/or belief and sprinkled salt on the earth so that no new wonder and/or belief may ever grow again. I saw the photo and shrugged my shoulders. "Meh, definitely a fake. I mean, look at the guy's goofy expression! He totally KNEW he was going to be super-imposed at the bottom of a shark tank. Totally."

Dentistry student Emma, of Doncaster, only spotted the ghoulish face when she arrived home. She said: “My boyfriend said, ‘what’s that?’ I replied, ‘it’s a shark’.

To which her boyfriend replied "OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU STUPID BITCH YEA I KNOW IT'S A FUCKING SHARK I'M TALKING ABOUT THE FUCKING HEAD IN THE WATER OH MY GOD I KNEW I SHOULD'VE KILLED YOU ON THAT CAMPING TRIP, THAT OTHER COUPLE WE MET SAW HOW FUCKING STUPID YOU ARE, THEY WOULDA BACKED ME UP ON MY 'SHE WANDERED OFF A CLIFF' EXCUSE OH MY GOD I HATE YOU."

I'm going to go ahead and say my version of the boyfriend's response was closer to what The Sun claims.

Oh, and maybe it's just me but I don't feel like I'd need to make an excuse for myself being freaked out at a disembodied head chilling in a shark tank. That's like if someone saw 4 people mauled by a chainsaw and was all "I'm terribly sorry I just get a little shaken up around blood. Quite embarassing, really."

Boffins at the aquarium admit they are baffled by the appearance of the man’s face, which appears to be gawping up at a shark

Now I don't want you getting any crazy ideas like the head belonging to a murdered boffin or something outlandish like that. It's probably just a ghosty.

The aquarium – on the banks of the Humber estuary – was built on the site of an isolation hospital, where smallpox victims were held.

When asked if it might be the spirits of hospital patients that died on the grounds, boffin Nigel Billywinkle said, "it could possibly be the smallpox patients. Other possibilities would include the group of 45 people killed here last year in a Satanic ritual meant to open a portal from this world into the next. But it could possibly be the smallpox patients."

A night watchman claims to have spotted a shadowy figure in the TimeLine, which charts the history of the world’s oceans.

(Dismissive wanking motion) Oh, ok boss, let me look into that right away (more dismissive wanking) hey, we got any witnesses who can beat a 6 year old in a spelling bee? No? Ok then. I guess we'll go on the leads we have, then (wank wank wank)

Colin Brown, chief executive of The Deep,

The Deep here is a reference to the aquarium exhibit, not my upcoming straight-to-Redtube featurette. By the way, keep an eye out for The Deep, starring me, a couple of "18" year olds and a LOT of Jesus juice.

Colin Brown, chief executive of The Deep, said: “We are a scientific centre and we’re sure there must be a logical explanation."

Ok then...

"It’s just that we can’t find it."

Right. Well, if you've never heard a boffin say something fucking stupid, here ya go! This just proves that everybody's ignorant. This is on par with a Fundamental (get it?) Christian saying the earth is 4000 years old regardless of the ridiculous amount of scientific evidence pointing to the contrary.

"There must be some sort of optical illusion or reflection of images between the window, but we cannot figure out how it has been done.”

"In conclusion, we have no scientific explanation for this, but we guarantee you that there's a scientific explanation for this. Because sometimes when it comes to science, you just gotta close your eyes and believe, regardless of what you observe. (Wikipedia's "science") Oh. Hm. Well, this is a pickle isn't it?"