Massive Marmite shipment seized off the coast of Denmark

Danish security forces say they have seized 18 tonnes of Marmite bound for Copenhagen after a twelve hour gunfight during which at least sixty people were killed.

Customs officials are reporting it to be the second largest haul of the substance – with an estimated street value of $22m – to be taken since Marmite was banned in the country, just 24 hours ago.

The shipment is believed to have belonged to Denmark’s most powerful cartel – the notorious Marmitijos crew – and had been concealed inside a shipment of marijuana originally thought to be bound for the Netherlands, which would have been fine.

“We were very lucky,” customs chief Markus Jensen revealed. “This stuff could have been in the kitchens and pantries of Copenhagen before breakfast.”

“It wouldn’t be so bad if it was to be sold in its purest form but lower level Marmite dealers are cutting it with honey and even raspberry preserves, which could be even more dangerous, especially for those who have resorted to injecting the stuff.”

Marmite underworld

Pressure groups are already lobbying the government seeking to legalise the substance because of the huge social problems the ban has already been causing.

“People are becoming more and more desperate,” Danish sociologist Maria Pedersen argued. “And once they have records for Marmite possession they all get sucked into the vicious circle of the spreadable underworld.”

“I think we’ll soon see a time when these Marmite turf wars will become part of our everyday lives,” she added.

“And there’ll be a Marmite whore on every street corner of Copenhagen.”

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