It’s been long I actually wrote something. Sometime we prolong our break and sometime we just ponder on work. It’s kind of our psychology. Sometime we nourish our hobbies and sometime we just let things go on as it is. The gap period was like that. I let the life move on of its own without much involving my own self in to it.

I concentrated on job, maintained a harmony of relationships with friends and relatives, tried my best to manage some time for regular exercises, quit smoking for a few good weeks and again didn’t take much time hug it. In these few months, I went to some places like Udaipur, then another trip to Ajmer-Pushkar.

I managed to meet some old friends, had sufficiently enough volume of alcohol of various brands and just let that six months approx time flow like nothing. I didn’t do anything specific but honestly that’s the most satisfying thing. Sometime it really feels good when you actually don’t do anything. This is the time, when you don’t daydream, don’t concentrate much on romanticism, poetry, and don’t find much interest in love making or watching porn.

This is the time when you just don’t bother if speedometer of your car starts crying, you just give bullshit to what your bosses or colleagues talk in your back. You don’t bother to maintain a good health, you don’t ask for a good book to read at leisure, you don’t start a new TV series.

This is the time when you just give damn to some unknown or semi known extra-marital affairs of your very so called near or dear ones and besides, you don’t feel any urge to start one with someone.

It’s just cool, like flowing river, it’s like continuous snowfall without bothering where am I settling may be on top of trees, on stones, on rivers or whatever it is.

And then slowly you start feeling, after so many struggles, after so many real days, you got a real life to live. Then you sleep naked, putting air conditioner on super chilled mode, consume a full 750ml of good wine with ‘n’ numbers of cigarettes, turn left, keeping hands at ninety degree with your body, making a proper ‘F’ where lower hand is managed with your erect dick.

Kabir immediately picked up the mobile and typed a text message, ‘hope you are safe and nothing happened due to that horrible incident in Kolkata’…then a long pause, holding the send button! He was not sure whether to send the message or not? He broke up with Manasi long four years back and since then they never exchanged any word except once, when he sent a message in Facebook, that also after long 3years of that break up. Nope, that experience was not good though. Kabir wrote a few lines in Facebook messenger and finally after one or two days later, got a very strong reply disguised in instruction that, ‘don’t message me or disturb me’.

Kabir still couldn’t remember what actually happened to him, he knew that he will get such kind of reply but still he tried, he even said sorry too though he still doesn’t have any idea of why he would have to say sorry? He didn’t broke up with Manasi, neither Manasi also broke up with him. There were a few tensions, misunderstandings, family drama and conflict of interest, things didn’t go well and so they ended up with a break up. Break up means they stopped being with each other, spending time together or even stopped being in talking terms. It’s like, suddenly a kind of decision and then forgetting whatever good times they had spent once. Kabir sometime wonder, what kind of relationship was that? Though he was the one who pointed out the negative things of that relationship first, still he never knew that their relationship doesn’t deserve a little bit respect when it is over, even then when he himself didn’t mind to say sorry, number of times.

Anyway, a flyover collapsed on Vivekananda Road. The first thing came in Kabir’s mind was simple, Manasi used to stay near there. She used to take that route while going for her tuition or while returning from there. After fighting a lot with his own conscience, he finally took the mobile and typed a message and was in confusion, whether to send or not. He was really worried but he couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t even ask, or send a text message. Actually he was well aware that he will not get any reply, even if he gets, it would not be a nice one.

When did heart listened to brain? Finally Kabir pressed the send button, “hope nothing happened to you in that mishap. I will be really grateful if you could reply with atleast a letter” and then eternal wait. No reply came in next five minutes, not even in ten minutes. Kabir was in a meeting with his CEO and he was the one who was giving the power-point presentation. People from investors, bankers were very much curious about his presentation. He was also very much in to that, until the reply came, a small vibration in pocket, he took out the phone, Manasi replied, “it is very much annoying to receive a message from you. It will be really helpful if you could stop sending me messages or any other way to communicate with me. I am married and let me be happy in my life”. Kabir read the whole thing, the way Manasi replied was not good in anyway but he was happy. Kabir didn’t ask for any favour, he didn’t even requested Manasi to keep in touch or again fall in love with him. He actually didn’t ask for anything. He was just curious, he was panicked and then he was happy to know nothing happened to Manasi. Kabir himself is a married person, so there was no point getting upset knowing Manasi also got married.

Kabir typed a reply, everybody in the meeting room was looking at him, waiting for him to continue with the presentation, but Kabir was busy with the keyboard of mobile, he typed thrice, deleted twice and finally replied, “Thanks….Be happy” and turned his head towards the presentation.

A couple of days before, while cleaning up my room on weekend, after a booze party on Friday night at my place, I got some papers in my room, kind of torn pages from a diary or journal. There was not a single good words written there about me. Yes after working hard in office, spending good enough time at home, managing all the financial needs, buying new stuffs whenever required, dealing with familiar tensions, I was actually having a mind-set that I am doing good. I even gave myself 9 out of 10 in everything. I didn’t show my anger to anyone, I accepted my personal discomfort when I had to support my family, but there was not a single good words written there about me. Yes, after reading those, the whole day I spent in understanding what went wrong and what fault I made. Yeah, I got a few. I understood a few things I ignored considering it would not be noticed but it was noticed and noted down. All of a sudden I started feeling very low. It felt like I failed in an exam though I tried my level best.

Some negative thoughts also came in my mind like I must not do any more good things. I would have to ask the writer about the false blames, but slowly after spending a whole day with myself, after writing out a small poem, after watching India-Sri Lanka cricket match, I regained my mental spirit and decided not to live in any kind of negativities around me. I made a few rules, regulations for myself to follow. I don’t know how much my readers will connect with this but atleast it made me feel happy, made me strong enough to move on.

Never get in to an argument which has no ending

Never listen what other people say about you

You didn’t take birth in a day and that was also not in your control. Handling any situation demands time and be wise to allot that

Nothing comes for free, not even social service. You get tax exemption, happiness and sometimes a bit fame too

Those who doesn’t have enough work or those who have never achieved anything in their life of their own, are the front runner in criticism business, avoid them

Nurture hobbies, don’t make yourself so busy so that you don’t get time for what you actually enjoy

I am not sure whether I should write this or not. Yeah, this is a sensitive topic and one shouldn’t discuss on the same. It’s kind of personal thing but I guess, I have already discussed a lot about my personal things here, starting from quitting smoking to masturbation. I have even discussed my definitions of being happy and then some kind of familiar incidents too.

Anyway, coming to the subject, is commitment in relationship is a taboo? I am not sure of it but seems like I feel the same. According to Google, Taboo means a social or religious custom prohibiting or restricting a particular practice or forbidding association with a particular person, place, or thing.

Before I got married, I was in a few relationships, I mean I had a few girlfriends in different phases. Ok, while I was in school, like all other guys, I also had some kind of crush on a girl, which didn’t mature later. We never even spoke more than twice or may be thrice too.

Then in college, while doing engineering, I got involved with a lady, who was actually a friend of one of my friend. It lasted a couple of years. There also it didn’t ripe in to a physical relationships (I meant sex, not kissing). That also didn’t last long after I got a job and started working in a concern. Then for a stop-gap period, I met with another lady, with whom I was in a relationship for a complete year. Yes, this time she was also very serious and I was too but it didn’t last long for some miscommunications which resulted into a complete misunderstandings and an argumentative end. We both decided to move away and have our own life separately. With her, I went to some good places too, away from home, spent a whole day in hotel room, came close to each other but somehow sex didn’t happen. Probably we were in demand of more time or may be being an Indian, we were not that matured like what we read about developed or underdeveloped foreign countries. While in a relationship, we never had any problem with ‘Love’. Love was always in the air, which actually didn’t condencify and there I understood my problem.

My problem is simple, I can’t commit a thing unless it has some result in future. Not necessary that I can see the future, but there must be some way I could see, visualise or I personally don’t believe in continuing a relationship considering it a taboo. I always, say, there is no number in between ‘0’ & ‘100’. Either complete dedication, or there is nothing, which I actually lack. I can’t give my 100% to anything unless I like that thing the most, more than my life too. Yes, it is, and it will probably remain the same till my last breath. Though in professional life, whenever I felt suffocated in a job, I immediately resigned and joined some other company. Sometime this went wrong, but I never cared for that.

Why to drag a thing when you actually lack something? Why to drag a relationship when you know you are not satisfied with it? Why society, parents, friends would have to interfere in your personal choice? Here the point comes. Sometime you know you are not in to it but your counterpart doesn’t feel the same way and there the confusions, contradictions come which mostly lead to some unfortunate, unwanted situations. It happened with me with my girlfriends, even with my wife too. Life is never a very easy thing, life is tough.

I still do not understand, when there is some problem or confusions or better say mismatch in a relationship, then why not to take a call and respect the peace of mind? Solutions could be done by having good discussion, by taking help from third party, could be done by approaching court or by any violent means. Yes, I don’t see anything wrong in this. Where there is something wrong, then all the consequences could be wrong, should definitely be in wrong way. As simple as that. If I am not enjoying my marriage, then there is no other way to say it other than confessing, “I am not happy”.

No, please don’t get me wrong. It’s not my case as of now. Yes, here also I am happily adjusted myself between 0 & 100. Means, I am not 100% happy, but it will be really unfair to say that I am not happy also. So I am happy. I don’t have all the happiness one could get from marriage, but yes, to some extent, I am happy. I have issues, I have problems but still can’t get away from this marriage named thing. I am not sure whether it is kind of fear, social embarrassment or still I have some expectations left from this? I don’t know at all. I don’t know what is happening now, it will keep on happening rest of my life. So same boring story line up every day, every morning, noon, afternoon and night. Whatever is the problem, issues, didn’t get sorted out yet and I am quite sure that in near future also, nothing is going to change. Ok, I am not pointing my finger to someone saying it is his/her fault at all. I am just saying considering all the faults are mine, still why to bear the burden for same old rotten story which gets old day by day and gather more mosses being of no use at all?

Every day I see a lady, an elderly lady wearing pink top and legging jog in the ground. if I reach ground at 5am in the morning, I would find her and she stays till I end up my morning exercises religiously. It has always been tough for me to reach ground on time after a good weekend and now it has become my habit to skip exercises two days in a row, Sunday and then in continuation to that Monday too. It’s been very few times when I broke this self-made rule and presented myself in between soothing nature on a fine Sunday morning and there was no surprise. That lady with pink dress was there, busy with her practices.

I don’t know what is this? Why there is so much dedication in something? What if I bunk a class or take a leave from office? I often do it, though very rare, still I will say it often as I don’t get tired very often but whenever I feel tired, I send a sms to my boss and then call him after sometime before sending him an official leave application mail. At the age of sixty, maybe she is fearing death, or maybe she doesn’t have anything else to do in the morning, probably she lost her aged husband a few years before, maybe her siblings don’t want her around in the morning chores, maybe she feel happy coming in the ground, may be it is a kind of discipline, forceful discipline to stay alive amidst all the crazy situations around us.

I don’t know whether I follow any kind of such discipline. I go office not because I feel bored at home I love my job, it is simply because I get money for working there and that’s the easiest way to earn money. I believe, there is no life without money unless otherwise you are being sponsored by any person or organization. So I go office every day, mostly without any fail. But what could be the motivation for that lady to wake up early in the morning and do exercises in the ground, that also without a single day fail.

After noticing this for almost six months, one fine morning, I decided to talk to her to know her motivation to do so or may be the reason behind it. I was mentally prepared to hear anything nut no, I didn’t had to hear anything painful. She politely narrated me a story while holding a smile always in her face. I am trying to write the story in her words.

“Hey you, my son, I am ready to hug my death any day. I am having high blood pressure, thyroid and some other less critical issues which you will find in almost every person of my age. I have problem in my knees since my childhood after I fell from a stool at the age of six only, I could not walk properly. One morning, while playing in my court yard, suddenly a dog chased me and I started trudging with my legs and then suddenly I started running like anything, ooops, no son, nothing of that kind happened in my life. There was no Forrest Gump incidence in my life. Anyway, then my dad took me to a school and I was not doing very well there. One fine morning a close relative of mine came and shouted on me for not doing well in exams. He gave examples of nearby guys who were of my same age and were doing extremely well. That was an eye opener for me. I studied well, better, worked day and night and my hard work was properly compensated by awarding me rank one. Oooops, noting of that kind happened also in my life. I never did well in my exams, never tried also. Okies, my son, I know I am actually confusing you a lot. My simple suggestion to you is, stop following people. One should not have any time to listen other’s shared knowledge but make sure that you got enough experience. Remember what Forrest Gump’s mom said him, ‘Stupid is as stupid does.’ We all are stupid and so let’s not act as high intellectual. None is more disciplined than you, hard worker than you and Hey You, you are the best, believe it, act accordingly.”

It was good knowledge for me. I stopped listening to many suggestions, various explanations of religious books and spiritual discussions, rather I started noting down things around me and convert it to an experience, which must enrich me, and I guess we all believe motivation comes automatically.

Biologically, love is a powerful neurological condition like hunger or thirst, only more permanent. We talk about love being blind or unconditional, in the sense that we have no control over it. Yes, we don’t have any control over it. May be that’s why it is said that love is divine also. In a workshop I attended very recently, I had a long argue with the speaker over there, how could love be divine, how come it could be without any expectations and demands. If there is no expectations, demands, respect, commitment, then why do we need to have a thing called love. I personally don’t believe that if there is no commitment, then there is no existence of that thing. We can’t survive in office without any commitment. Everything in this world comes with some deliverables. Mom loves us and we love our mom. There is some attachments. There is some kind of expectations in every steps. We may or may not understand it every time, but there is always a string attached. In husband wife relationships also, there are a lot deliverables and demands from each side, sometime absence of which brings hatred in between a relationship and then spoils it. Then if there are some pros & cons of a thing called love, then how come it could be divine?

Why so many Hatred?

A person borrowed some money from me a few years back and then he didn’t return till date. I am quite sure that he will never return. That time it was some handsome amount which may have no value at all right now because I earn much more and got a small bank balance also. Still whenever I meet that person, I remember that incident and talk with him cautiously keeping in mind that no further dealings of money. We say a wrong word or come out of a relationship and then we keep that incident in our mind for long. That bitterness, pain, sorrow don’t let us to communicate with that person properly in future also. It takes lots of time to forget a thing and move on. Sometime it takes a lifelong time. We keep on holding the grudge for so long so that we don’t even take any initiative to rebuild that bridge and we do it purposefully out of our negative thoughts which actually drive us to lead our life. In general, sometime we cherish our hatred for a person or an incident in large.

Summary

Actually there is a very thin line between love and hate. Love is more easily experienced than defined. Love’s the one thing that can never hurt anyone, although it may cost dearly. The paradox of love is that it is supremely free yet attaches us with bonds stronger than death. It cannot be bought or sold; there is nothing it cannot face; love is life’s greatest blessing.

“Hate is often considered to be an evil passion that should, in a better world, be tamed, controlled and eradicated. Yet to the biologist, hate is a passion that is of equal interest to love“.

Like love, hatred is often irrational and can lead individual to heroic and evil deeds. How can two opposite sentiments lead to the same behaviour?

This may seem surprising since hate can also be an all-consuming passion like love, the real truth of life.

Look, different people have different views on anything. A person, who loved wine more than his wife and whiskey more than his mother has stopped drinking. He even stopped smoking too after burning his lungs for almost 12 years. Consider a 10 piece packet a day, he has atleast smoked 12 x 365 x 10 = 43800 nos cigarette. Yes, that person is me. I stopped consuming alcohol, stopped smoking, what is more, I have stopped eating non-vegetarian foods also, and honestly I am feeling happiness around me.

Was I unhappy? Nope. For long years, alcohol gave me company like anything, after breaking up with girlfriends, in social get together, after scoring bad in college, offices, in chilling winter, on top of a mountain after continuous two days of trekking, alcohol and cigarette have taught me how to enjoy life, how to coup yourself with surroundings full of shit. I was happy then and I am happy now also. Actually feeling good.

All my readers are aware that, I was practising Yoga and then some breathing exercises. It demanded me to quit smoking and alcohol. Just to have fun for few days, I stopped everything, just concentrated on the workshop and its curriculums. After completion of the workshop, I myself continued the regime.

Happiness is nothing, it’s just a state of mind. Sometime getting a letter from an old lost friend reminds you how happy you are and sometime a one line statement from a very close friend of yours forces you to rethink calling him a friend anymore. It happens. If one has a physical existence, then surely there will be some tampering, polishing etc. and that also on a regular basis.

I miss all my close friends, I miss my family around me, I miss some good moments in my old organizations, I feel bad when some painful incident reminds me how alone I felt then, I feel bad when I desperately need something but couldn’t get.

Being Happy doesn’t mean one need to be happy, but it is a state of mind, a mental condition and a bold declaration, I am strong enough to handle unhappiness as I know happiness is more important to me, so obviously I will remove ‘un’ from happy and let ‘Happy’ remains with me forever.