Friday, January 22, 2010

ENTRY 33

Title: The Organ GrinderGenre: Thriller

The young British UN soldier watched an unidentified truck rumble along the broken pot holed track they called No Mans land. A suicide mission? The question rattled loud and fierce in his mind. He stepped out onto the road amidst the steady stream of refugees making their weary way to the precarious safety of North Bundhara. Part of his job was to assist their evacuation, the other to protect them with force if needed. The truck was swerving, scattering the rag tag band of people in its way to either side. The soldier aimed his standard issue SA80 rifle.

4 comments:

I would keep reading, too. But I would also cut some words. For instance, "broken and pot holed" is a bit redundant, I think. Like the next two lines, but would cut "weary," it sounds cliche to me. The rest of it sounds good. And I'm dying to know what all this has to do with an organ grinder :)

Who is the young British UN soldier? I know nothing about him. I am not invested in his life. The "question rattled in his mind." but did it bother him? Was he scared? Was he there because he volunteered? Please tell me about our soldier. Or about the truck's driver. Or about a refugee. So far, I don't really care because the narrator doesn't.