I recently had the pleasure of speaking with Scott Carey, owner of Sump Coffee, about the first year of their Nashville location. Sprudge is a great website for all things coffee-related and they did me the favor of posting my article. Click on any of these words to check it out.

I’ve been looking into freelance writing lately because, hey, why the hell not? I’m in the stage right now of trying to get some samples out there, so with that will come failed articles. Good thing there’s medium.com for such a scenario. Medium is essentially a self-publishing platform that people subscribe to, rate articles, and then the author has a small chance of actually getting paid for their work (tiny chance). But this isn’t about the money, right? Hell no, this is about getting some samples out there so I can convince someone to give me money at a later date. So yeah, I guess it’s all about the money but in a more convoluted way. Anyway, failed article #1 is about fun things happening inside your body. It is here. Click on this word. Or this one. Or any of these right here.

Let’s say, for instance, our President were to moon Enrique Pena Nieto, the President of Mexico. They’re supposed to meet to discuss something inconsequential like refugees fleeing gang violence for the opportunity to live a life without the threat of being kidnapped or shot. Something innocuous. And then right before they shake hands, Trump turns around, drops his pants to his ankles, and waves his hideous ass back and forth like the flag majestically floating through the breeze. I’m assuming the press’ cameras would explode in an attempt to get the best shot, and Pena Nieto would either vomit his huevos onto his shoes or simply melt like the guys at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Basically the room would explode and Trump would moonwalk out of there thinking he totally nailed it.

This has become my crusade. I don’t actively look for situations to extol these virtues but they happen to find me fairly often. When somebody does something against the idea of being thoughtful and respectful to the people around you and doesn’t get called out on it, it rewards their bad behavior ensuring they will repeat the mistake. It’s the same idea as how you shouldn’t give a dog a treat for taking a shit on your pillow. Nobody wants shit on their pillow, and you should work to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

I used to knock over trash cans when I was younger. My friends and I would call each other up, hop on our bikes and ride through neighborhoods side-kicking trash cans and laughing as they toppled over and spilled their contents into the street. Looking back as an adult, I now realize that I was the exact type of kid that I hate today. I guess it was a combination of the exhilaration of doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing, combined with the fear of being caught and the camaraderie of performing small-scale acts of vandalism with friends. It was fun, it was funny, and it was incredibly stupid. I don’t think anyone young enough to think this sounds cool will actually read this, so I’m going to eschew the cliché warning away from duplicating my actions. But I will say that if someone were to do this, I understand.

I once heard that a person can bite off their own finger. Physically. Not as a permission kinda deal. Your mouth is strong enough that if you slam a ring onto your fat finger and can’t get it off, you have the option of sticking the finger in your mouth and pretending it’s a beefstick for a moment. I would recommend trying other things first (like olive oil or prayer) but you can rest assured that you always have the nuclear option in your back pocket. There’s something in our brains that will stop you from doing this. Similar to why it’s so hard to drown yourself, your mind has some built-in preservation tactics to keep you from doing something thoroughly stupid. However, I’m pretty sure I could do it. I don’t mean this as a cocky, self-assured bravado kinda boast, but I’ve already broken a lot of my own bones. Not on purpose, but still. The precedence has been set. I also eat a lot of beef jerky so I like my chances of getting through the tendons and muscles and whatever else is in there (veins?).

Nothing feels better than being right. Even if you win a bet on which day you’ll die, at least there’ll be a sense of accomplishment to mitigate the pain. Unfortunately, I’m usually wrong and my soon-to-be-married-person absolutely loves repeating her catchphrase “god you’re such an idiot” with feverish consistency. I might not ever remember where I left my keys, if I closed the refrigerator door, or what I was supposed to get at the grocery store, but I found at least one thing I can write into the “win” column: Getting one of those fancy new digital assistants is akin to inviting Big Brother into your sanctuary.

There’s something about sliding up the hood of a car and slamming your shoulder into the windshield that really gets the blood moving. I’ve never been one for drugs— no thank you!— but I imagine the rush you get from enjoying the scent of a few lines of cocaine is almost half as fulfilling as seeing a van cut in front of you and slamming your teeth into the passenger-side door.

In my first year of college, my English class required me to write a persuasive essay. Although being an avid fan of cheeseburgers, hot wings, and chicken alfredo, I decided to write it about vegetarianism. I knew there was a wealth of information on the subject and it would be really easy to take the side of the vegetarian, explaining why it’s immoral to eat meat. The horrible treatment of the animals shown in PETA videos basically got me the A. Of course it’s awful that chickens get their beaks blowtorched off so they don’t peck other chickens because their cages are painfully small and will kill for another inch of room. Of course that sucks. You’re right. Here’s your A.

A lot of people live their lives the wrong way. I’ve been saying this for a while but I’ve never put it together in a perfectly succinct manner that renders all opposition to my viewpoint blatantly incorrect. I just thought about it five minutes ago, so it’s definitely thought all the way through and completely irrefutable. It’s called the 7-8-9 Plan, and it will show you how to live a happy life. It goes like this:

7 hours of work, 8 hours of sleep, and 9 hours of free time five days every week.