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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

remember

** thanks for all your comments from my last post **

i walked into work this morning and got the worst feeling.i stopped dead in my tracks and almost lost it right then.i finally made it to my desk and sat there.just stared at her picture.i realized i didn't think about her all morning.i woke up late and was rushing around-

the radio was on (which it never is)i couldn't find anything to wear.my mind was on everything else.

after i sat at my desk i was so mad at myself.i had to sit there for a few minutes and picture

her fingers, her toes, her nose, her eyes...i cant forget those things.i cant forget feeling her.i am so worried these memories will go away-someday i wont remember her touchi wont remember how her hair feltwhat color her hair really wasthat sparkle in her eyes.those things that pictures cant capture.why is it still so unbelievable that she is gone.i still have to remind myself I'm not going home to her.

yesterday i caught myself thinking, i was going to go home early

because i didn't feel well and just rest on the couch with her.

i even imagined going to pick her up at the babysitters.

i imagined needing to make a bottle when i walked

in the door because it would be lunch time.then i remembered.she isn't here.i stayed at work because whats the point.

i would have really been going home just to be with her.

since she isn't there- no sense in going home to stare at her pictures and cry.i miss dressing her.i miss buying her things.i miss her.i miss her.i miss her.i cant say it enough. i cant express how much it hurts.i wish i could feel peace all the time.i wish i could feel her all the time.oh makenzie- i need you.

Kendra,you make me cry! I can relate to you som much. i still after three years feel the same way... I can still rememeber what it felt like to hold him and I can still remember his smell. I do stare at his pictures a lot cause it's all I have to really study his face and remember him. It's videos I have that I watch that keep his memory alive for me, yet it's so hard to watch. you are so sweet and just make me cry. I hope one day I can meet you and take pictures of you and your family. Don't feel guilty if you have a good day. Mckenzie wants you to be happy! Remember it's okay if you don't think of her first thing in the morning. don't feel guilty if you want another baby! You are not replacing her. After Logan died the docotors told me to get pregnant as soon as I could to help the grieving and you know what it did!! I did feel at first that I was trying to replace him, but I knew that's not what Logan would want me to think. You are doing every thing the best you can and you will get through this. it's hard, but keep the faith and remember you are always in my prayers.

Kendra you are so sweet. I just read your last post and this post. How I relate oh so well. Its been a year and half and I am still not over it nor do I think I ever will be. Some days are easier than others but it still hurts!! Its ok and you dont need to get over it. Dont let people tell you anything other. I love these pics. Kenzie is so precious and beautiful. Thinking of you daily!! I also wish we could meet someday. Maybe if your ever ready... Thanks for all you share with us!

you'll always keep her close. she'll become over the years a sweet reminder of the blessings that God has given you...a perfect little angel that can never fade away. and then one day you'll be reunited again! stay strong.

Kendra,My hero is and has always been Jackie Kennedy. Like you, she lost a child while she was living and when I read the following quote from her, I thought that it was so fitting for how your day was today.

“I have been through a lot and have suffered a great deal. But I have had lots of happy moments, as well. Every moment one lives is different from the other. The good, the bad, hardship, the joy, the tragedy, love, and happiness are all interwoven into one single,indescribable whole that is called life. You cannot separate the good from the bad. And perhaps there is no need to do so, either.”

Somehow, in the moments we live, the good and the bad coexist and create our lives. Its such a strange thing that they happen together, isnt it? I hope that no matter what moment you are in - good or bad, suffering or singing - you have peace in the fact that Kenzie is part of it all. The moments you had with her on the earth and the memories she made with you make up your life and who you are. What a beautiful life (by life, I mean Kenzie) you have :)

Those pictures are so darling! I'm sorry it feels like your memory of her isn't as strong as it use to be. Makenzie knows no matter how much time goes by, you will always love her just the same, and have a special place in your life for her. I think you've done the best job of preserving memories of her. You write done the tiniest details, that most parents wouldn't notice, or think to record. You are an amazing mother, and I know Makenzie feels your love for her!

I can relate to what you mean by remembering the color of her hair and sometimes getting so preoccupied that you forget things. After we lost our daughter I would find myself staring at her pictures for hours and I even had a peice of her hair cut so I could remember how curly and dark it was. And some days I would get so wrapped up with work and my other children that I would catch myself going a day and being mad at myself and going and finding the outfit she last worn to smell her smell and see her cut hair to se the curls. I know it can be trying most days but I don't believe you will ever forget your beautiful angel she is always with you forever and ever.

oh friend...i can't even imagine the pain 24 hours a day. she is always with you, even if you have a few waking hours where you are distracted. don't beat yourself up, you wear her on your sleeve. everyone else can see it. i love you and need to see you SOON! have something for you and ryan!(it will make you happy (ier) ) and other stuff too..

Kendra I am so sorry for everything you are going through. It is ok if you don't think of her all the time, she knows that she is SO loved by you and Ryan. You don't have to feel guilty. I know that is probably WAY easier said then actually done. AND it is ok if you do think of her all the time....she is your baby!! Like I already said you NEVER have to "move on". I hope you were able to feel her today and that she visits you in your dreams. Always thinking and praying for you!! Much love!!

P.S. - loved all of the pictures (especially the first one of her sleeping and the black and white one). I smiled when I saw the last one, because I remember reading on your blog why she had her socks like that. She was a tiny thing, but from what I can see through pictures and your writing she had the BIGGEST personality and spirit. She is one of the most beautiful baby girls I've seen. So precious!!

Kendra,I have been away from the computer for a few days and just came to 'catch up'. What incredible pics you have posted, what a beautiful little girl you have.

You are still in such early stages of grief, and like everyone else none of us can judge, but I do think you are doing amazing and you don't give yourself near enough credit!! You get up, you work, you go to school...I think that takes courage and a strength you can't even see. You are so inspiring in all that you do and there are so many people so proud of you. You will never "move forward" from losing your daughter, the grief will change over time, but it will always be grief, and a loss like none other. You have lost the most precious thing in the world, the ability to watch your sweet girl grow up, to hold her, to hug her...and no one can put themselves in your place.

It is funny, I think the fact that you got to work after rushing around not 'thinking' of Kenzie probably made her smile...funny how we all see things differently. It think she would have been looking down seeing you race around and enjoyed seeing her mommy listening to the radio and not having those sharp pains of loss....don't beat yourself up about that. Like everyone else, she is watching you and LOVES to see you smile, to see you laugh, to hear you sing a song, so don't ever feel guilty for doing any of those things!! She loves you for YOU, for being YOU and all that comes with it.

Thanks for sharing your journey, and just like the woman that you read about, you are teaching so many people about life, loss and love. Don't feel bad for feeling the way you did....your thoughts and feelings were based on what you knew at the time, now you know more and can think differently, that is part of the journey of life...we all learn and grow from our trials...although yours is one I wish no one had to face.

I just read your last 3 posts and I think you are amazing. The pointed fact is that you will never move on. Kenzie is a part of your life, just like your fingers or your heartbeat. Life keeps going but your daughter will always be a part of your life. You're right, though, you don't know these things unless you've lived them. Until you've been there, you don't understand why people can't just "move on".

When my son died, they didn't have all of these things they have now. 10 years ago people didn't make videos or take pictures of their babies after they passed away. My Mother In Law bought a disposable camera at the gift shop and took pictures of my little man for me. That's all I have of him and I'm so thankful for at least that. There are things that pictures can't capture, but at least you have them to remember.

I love seeing all of these new pictures of her. Wow, you guys had your camera out so much. And it's awesome! Just seeing pictures of you touching her or her sitting in your lap like that. You can tell that this baby is one very loved girl! She is so blessed to have parents who have taken such good care of her and were with her every step of the way. She's so beautiful!!!