Did you wake up Christmas morning disappointed that Santa hadn’t stuffed your stocking with news about the most useless Kardashian (no, Kim’s drowsy eyes don’t count as a person)? Well, consider me your Christmas Angel, because I bring you glad tidings in the form of that dum-dum Rob.

According to Star Magazine (via Radar Online) Kris Jenner might be crossing out BRUCE JENNER and replacing it with THE SOCK ONE on her Shit List, because Rob isn’t doing a good enough job of hiding his secret baby:

An insider tells the mag that Rob spilled the news at a recent get-together at his apartment when friends noticed a teddy bear on his bed. “He said that it was a present for his son,” says the source.

Another insider adds, “The possibility that Rob may have a child has been the buzz in the Kardashian circle for a while, but no one knows for sure. And no one will talk about it.”

Rob has, however, hinted at it before. This May, he posted an Instagram note that read, “Shout to to God … Shout out Mom, shout out to my son’s mom cuz she been holding me down since high school n shout out to my son Robert the Third. lol” (Though he quickly deleted that post).

A fucking teddy bear?! Christmas is THE time of year when Baby Dads act like serious ballers and throw money at their kids. 364 days out of the year, Hugh Grant is ‘meh’ about his daughter, but you know on the morning of the 25th that kid is waking up to a solid gold Baby Bullet and a rare albino parrot that’s been trained to say “Daddy sort of loves you“. Damn, Rob, what did you do for the baby’s birthday? Splurge on a pair of adult-sized Arthur George socks?

You’d think letting The Sock One fuck a baby into you would be a one-way ticket to the front of the line at the grand opening of the Gold Diggers Hall of Fame, but as it turns out, the baby will only inherit fame whoring DNA from his Daddy:

According to insiders, Rob has told friends that the child was the result of a fling with a Miami woman four years ago.

“There’s a good chance that the child’s mother wants nothing to do with the fame, and that’s why she’s staying so hush.”

Whether it be a baby or a sex tape, if there was undeniable proof I had sex with Rob Kardashian, I too would keep quiet. I’d dye my hair, move to a country that has no knowledge of Satan’s Sluts, and tell everyone the baby is the result of a Jesus-like immaculate conception.

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