Tag Archives: Mathis Colquhoun

Delightful. Charming. Abundantly splendid. The offer to contribute to these fine pages was all those things and more to a proud officer of the force dedicated to serving and protecting such a majestic barrio as that of… (cut the introductionary bullsh*t and get on with it, sic, ed.)

Very well.

Those of you who perambulate the lower Leith Walk vicinity (the part Rio deemed `too sexy to be twinned with`) may have noticed our recent campaign running under the moniker `No Knives Better Lives`. Our posters – appended to all good surfaces from lamp-posts to the insides of gas pipes – are in the style known as Faux-Ned-Deco and were designed by Leith College of Art graduate Shatim Quolhounc at a relatively modest cost to the public purse.

Sadly, after a rigorous consultation programme (carried out in the Tourmalet tavern) some of you have objected to one aspect of the poster`s design, to wit the featuring of I-pods, headphones and playstations as suggested alternatives to the lure of the blade. `Why carry such low expectations of the intellect of our nation`s youth,` came the collected cry of consternation – from somewhere near the stairs to the toilets. `Give them f%$**&% Dusty Evsky` followed the rejoinder, then `It`s Dostoy actually’, from a figure with a pronounced Fife twang who had spent the night holding forth at the bar on the progress of his book to anyone who would listen (and many who would not).

Let it not be said that I, Mathis Hamilton Colquhoun, P.G. Dip, Lothian and Borders CID, have ever failed to take into account the views of my constituents. The very next day – a Saturday – I paid for a short helicopter trip over the city, taking in views of the castle, the scenic pillars of the Forth Road and Rail Bridges and even the suggestive Fife coastline which delineates the horizon like a finely serrated implement. In the course of our return to the landing pad at RBS HQ I instructed the pilot to hover over `certain areas` of North Edinburgh while I emptied into the sky sacks containing copies of Crime and Punishment, The Idiot and The Brothers Karamazov. I am trusting to the gods of posterity that these landed safely and were consumed by the individuals whom they will benefit most.

Turning to other matters, cyber-crime is an ever increasing concern for those of us at the sharp end of law enforcement, a fact best illustrated by an anecdote of my own locution.

Last Tuesday I happened to be in the Charlotte Street station doing some online research into the best sources of cheap piping (a personal project of which I will write at a later date) when I was assaulted in a vulgar fashion by one of these `viruses`. Fortunately I took swift and appropriate action to avoid the so-called Trojan Horse emptying its bowels into the wider community.

This action consisted of all officers present at the time being quarantined inside the station while I went out, clad in suitably protective clothing, to locate a volume of disinfectant liquid. Said liquid obtained, I returned to the locked station and ensured that all staff and their machines were passed through it back and forth until every trace of the virus had disappeared. Subsequent clean-up and replacement costs were said to be paltry in comparison to the financial and moral risk to the whole community had such drastic action not been taken.

Mathis Colquhoun can be contacted regarding talks to local schoolchildren and other after-dinner engagements.