Tuesday, August 7, 2012

It has felt like forever since I have updated my blog and so many things have changed. I believe that this blog will slowly change as I do. I was standing in the kitchen loading the dishwasher so full of thoughts about being a mother, about life and where we are right now in this place in the world and I felt a strong desire to put my thoughts "out there" or as if it were...pen to paper figuratively of course.

Our military lifestyle once again has taken us to a new place, and we find ourselves in a state I have never been to and I am not afraid to admit that in the short time we have been here...I have fallen in love.

It is scary to move around from place to place without the chance to plant roots. I think my children have often thought it was easy for their Dad and I but though I am easy going and have always done my best to see the positive in every place, not every experience is the greatest and I have been ready to move on from some places we have lived. It is also hard to feel as if there is no "HOME". My husband and I both are from different states where are families are and yet we have seen all these beautiful states, and in our mid-forties wonder where in the world as we face "retirement" in the next 10 years where "HOME" will be. It literally chokes me to think that "HOME" might be in a place where my children might not choose to live near but I then realize that I myself, am no where near my family and have wandered the country for years. I am a nomad...and so are my children as a result of my choice to marry my sweetheart. It is a hard life to wander, to like one place and leave or dislike another and be forced to stay for a while. This is just the life we live. Today I told my husband I felt as though I might be disloyal in some way if I decided that there was another place that I decided felt like "home" to me. Would I be a traitor of some sort? Would I be a renegade? However, when I have lived close to home (relatively speaking) family visits though more often have still been few and relationships are not what I ever hoped they would be "if we lived close to home". I don't believe they ever will be.

My sweet husband and I now stand on the edge of this cliff of our life, looking out on the future. The next couple of years are critical as we watch 2 more children graduate and my husband passes the threshold of 20 years in the Coast Guard. This is the time when the rug can be pulled out from under our feet and so we have to be "Prepared"...very prepared. We still have Justin to continue raising and decide where we want to go, and what we want to do and where we want "home" to be. We just moved to this place and it is really hard because it is already feeling like home. THIS feels as a place that I could grow in to the person I have longed to be. THIS is the place I feel already as if I could find lasting, and real friendships. THIS is a place I feel as I could grow personally, emotionally, physically, intellectually and THIS is a place that could challenge me to do things I never dreamed I might do.

I don't know what the future holds...we have been here all of 6 weeks maybe, we haven't seen the "yucky" time of the year even but we actually look forward to the changes and the challenges.

All of my "chicks" are in the nest for now...one I hope can find her way to a job, schooling and a life of independence. Another child will spend only 2 short years here before we send her back to where she calls her home "Texas" to go to college. One will be lucky enough to do all of his 4 years of High School here and he seems to be happy and engaged in the new life we have here. Then my little jellybean loves his new yard, picking berries, playing Frisbee in the yard with Daddy and all the adventures that he has already had in the short time we've been here.

This isn't nirvana, but it's a good place to be for now and I feel hopeful for the future for our family. If nothing else...the next four years should be a tremendous joy ride...not without the usual twists and turns.