My Fiancé Destroyed Me

Posted on: August 18th, 2015

So, this is really not easy to me to. It still hurts so badly.
I was raped by my fiancé, I was raped by my fiancé for 13 times.

We started dating a little bit over a year ago.
I was immediately in love with him.
He was a gentleman, he told me how beautiful I was, he brought my flowers and paid the restaurant bills.
After our third date he started initiating sexual intercourse. He touched me and I thought he would be the right one and we ended up having sex.
It was rough at first, and when he realized that I was really strained he asked me if I had already sex before. I said “no” and he smiled and started being careful and I enjoyed it.

Sex wasn’t a big deal for me. It was just important that I would only have sex with someone I really love and we had sex nearly every day for the next six months. I enjoyed it most of the time, sometimes it hurt a bit at the beginning but when I told my fiancé about it, he acted like at my “first time”.

After six months he got a contract for an internship.
He moved to a different city and we saw each other two weekends a month, so four days in total.
At the first weekend when he came “home” he asked me if I trusted him and I said “yes of course”.
He told me that he wanted to try something new and I agreed. Because I trusted him.
He tied my hands to the bed and started being very violently. He hit me, he strangled me, he covered my mouth with his hands. I started crying, begged him to stop. He didn’t listen, told me afterwards how he enjoyed it. I told him that it hurt and he simply answered that it would get better.
But it didn’t.

He did it again the next day and every day he saw me, he used the chance to sodomize me.
He left me with bruises, sometimes I started bleeding.
He tuned into a control freak.
I wasn’t aloud to meet friends without him etc anymore.
I lost weight and friends. And all my self esteem and the courage to speak out.

On a Sunday, right before leaving, he asked me if I wanted to marry him, I said yes. Because I thought I didn’t deserve something better. But right after he was gone, I realized how much I wanted to kill myself. Because I didn’t want to be with him and this pain anymore.

I started some research and found a nice woman at rainn.org who encouraged me to write a letter to my parents which I did.
When my parents were at work, I left a letter at the kitchen table, telling them what happened.

I went to my flat to pack my fiancés things and while I was packing he suddenly arrived at home, telling me that he wanted to spend the next months until the marriage with me.
I was nervous and he detected the bag and, he got very angry and he hit me again and he raped me on the floor.
He hit my head against the wall, I nearly passed out and I barely remember what else he did to me.

After some hours the bell rang. My mother was back from work because she had migraine headache and she read the letter. My fiancé threatened my mom and she called the police.
They took my fiancé with them to the police station and the emergency doctor took me with him to a hospital, telling me that I could be lucky to be alive because my fiancé nearly hit me at my temple – and in this I case I would be probably dead now.

I am thankful that my fiancés attacks are over.
After the last attack my fiancé, he left me with bruises, the doctor needed to stitch up wounds on my body.
My fiancé injured me in my private and I got medication.

But to be honest – you can heal wounds soon but my mind is still broken.
I am alone, I have nightmares. I am not hungry anymore and my mother forces me to eat.
I lost my joy of living, my happiness, I lost my self esteem and there are days where I just want to kill me.

But someone used to say:
“Everything will be all right in the end. If it’s not all right, then it’s not the end.”

— Anna

2 comments

Anna, the quote you wrote at the end of your story is so very true. I truly believe, from the bottom of my heart, that healing is possible and that every survivor has the capacity to thrive. You are right, the physical wounds heal much faster than the mental ones. Healing doesn’t mean that it never happened, it means you’ve learned to deal with and move through the pain. There is this beautiful Japanese art called Kintsugi that I always use as a metaphor for healing. In this art form the artist repairs broken pottery and it is said that the places where it was broken and mended are stronger than before. This is what healing looks like. In time, you will be able to process everything and peel back the layers of emotions you have. The nightmares become less frequent and more easily to deal with. The joy, happiness, and self-esteem will return in time. There are great resources available to help you through this. I don’t know you, but I know you are beautiful inside and out, even if you don’t feel like it. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there in time. I know it can seem like an impossible mountain to climb, but I assure you healing is possible. I will continue to hold you in my thoughts. You deserve light, love, and happiness and in time you will feel the joy of living again. Sending healing thoughts and lots of love in your direction, wherever that may be.

Anna, don’t ever belittle or think very low of yourself because with all ALMIGHTY truth you are MORE THAN WHAT YOU THINK YOU ARE! BOTH YOUR INTERIOR AND EXTERIOR, I Pray that someday the darkness of your past will eternally leave you and let it replace into LIGHT and CAREFREE, Don’t ever think that you do not deserve the best “BUT YOU DO DESERVE EVERYTHING THE WORD BEST HAS TO OFFER” You’re not alone Okay people loves you and I admire your strength very much by simply posting your Heavy story 🙂

Good luck to Jessica Tyson, Miss World - New Zealand in the Miss World competition on Dec. 8th in China. Like Linor, she is using her voice to speak out about sexual abuse. #IAmBrave ... See MoreSee Less