Odd Ramblings (Unedited)

I feel the need to write at the weirdest times. At midnight I’ll be lying awake, maybe watching a show or movie, and all of a sudden I feel this intense urge to just start writing a story or screenplay. But at then I’ll yawn, or my eyes will start to get heavy, and I know I have to choose between sleeping or writing and staying up for 48 hours.

I’ve learned that if I push through the feeling of tiredness, I’m not going to be able to get to sleep until the next day. Of course, after about 36 – 40 hours I start getting to the point where I just need to rest for a ten minutes or so to knock out regardless of the time of day, but just because I CAN do it doesn’t mean it’s necessarily good for me or feels fun even when I cram fun things into that time span.

The point I’m getting at is sleep usually wins out. It used to lose, but during the last couple of years I’ve just yawned and thought, “I’ll get to it tomorrow morning.” The problem is that I usually have something to write for a client in the morning and there are a million other things now racing through my well rested head to distract me from my original goal last night.

I can’t stress enough that these are not excuses. I was raised in a household that didn’t like to discuss anything. Discussions were always cut down as “I don’t want to hear your excuse”, which has always perplexed me because how am I supposed to correct the problem if the thought process that led to resulting action is never addressed?

It goes back to the whole idea of whether you should teach a man to fish or simply give him one. Saying something is wrong simply puts a stamp on one instance, while teaching someone where their thought process is skewed incorrectly can prevent them from perpetually committing the same action again and again.

A good antagonist or villain in any story truly believes that their actions are just. However you want to paint historic villains like Hitler or Stalin, these people didn’t purposefully set out to be evil for the sake of being evil. They didn’t laugh maniacally or have dreams of worldwide destruction. They had personally held beliefs and saw the world in a skewed light that led them to believe their actions were just.

An excuse is when a person is trying to justify their actions. A reason is the explanation of why someone acted the way they did.

I KNOW I need to write a lot more, I KNOW I need to update this blog much more often than I have during the last couple weeks, and I KNOW not doing so is a direct failure on my part. I’m not saying any of that is right, I’m simply sharing with you the reason behind the delays and the inner struggle I’m combating. Any solutions are welcome ideas.

On Eviction

The whole eviction thing is weighing on my mind.

I’m already a very minimalistic person, but I’m going to have to leave behind a lot when I get evicted. I’m not going to be one of those cart-toting homeless people, it’d slow me down too much. Instead, I’m just going to have a single backpack.

The problem is I won’t have much room, especially after fitting my laptop into my backpack. My laptop is the only way out of this hole from under rock bottom, so I can’t just leave or get rid of it. I’d like to bring my comforter for sleeping but it’d take up too much space, so I’m leaning towards a bed sheet.

I’ll only have space for one, maybe two books, then a toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, shampoo and maybe bar soap in a plastic baggy. I don’t have a lot of clothes to begin with, so I’m thinking the shorts I have on, a pair of jeans and a few shirts – as well as a button-up for possible job interviews.

I’d like to complete college next semester, which, in hindsight, I should’ve done this semester, but I don’t think that’s a real possibility and I’ll probably never finish out my degree. (I wonder if anyone’s ever been less than three classes away before dropping out. If not then I win at being the closest without actual completion.)

Every bone in my body says start writing script after script and head to LA. The logical, calculated part of me says that’s insane and I’d be better off just killing myself, but it’s also not like I have anything left to lose or lose out on otherwise.

It’s also not just a random thought either. I’ve thought about going out to California for years. Everything I’d really to do with my life seems to be centered out there, but for years I’ve made excuses like “There’s no way I’d be good enough or lucky enough to succeed” or “The cost of living is too ridiculous” or “Earthquakes sound dreadful”.

But I really have nothing left to lose than my ability to keep breathing, which I’ve honestly never been too attached to anyway. What’s the point of being broke and homeless if you’re not going to do what you want to do regardless of the consequences?