Hi girls - my week/news

First of all I want to say that I am so sorry I haven't been here all week and I'm even more sorry for worrying some of you with that and disappearing after my last post. Things have been so hectic this week - everything seems to have come at once - and I haven't been able to get online very much.

First of all it was one month since my 2nd mc on Tuesday, which I posted about - thank you all SO, SO much for your support and kind words (am off to reply to you all on there next!). Your replies meant so much to me and really helped me to get through it. I put the stone angel out in the garden in the end and it was the right decision - they are looking after eachother now and playing together :\)

Getting the BFN on Monday didn't really help me feel any better and then on Tuesday when hubby was at work I got really upset thinking about our last little bean and stupidly thought that if I did another test there just might be a line there. It was completely irrational after getting BFN the day before and it wasn't even with FMU so I KNEW it was pointless but I wasn't really feeling very rational at that point. I then went to my meeting and felt on the verge of tears the whole time. At the same time I was worrying about seeing my cousin's baby the next day - I felt like everything had come to a head and decided that something had to give. So I had a long chat with hubby (in the end he didn't have to go away until thurs lunchtime, which was great as it meant he was with me when we saw the baby on wed) and I decided that I REALLY need to relax about getting pregnant. I know my inability to 'just be patient' has a lot to do with my history of anxiety and depression and I need to protect myself a bit. So I've decided to cut back on the time I am spending on BE and I am only going to come on this part of the forum - I don't want to leave completely, you ladies have been SO wonderful and SO helpful and I want to see you all get your BFP's! And I feel like I've made some good friends here on TTC after MC. But I have decided not to go on TTC section - I have nothing against the girls on there but I feel for me at this time there is just too much symptom spotting going on on there and encouraging to test early and that's not good for me right now. I hope that makes sense and I don't sound really mean.

Anyway, I have also stopped taking temps and writing down symptoms - I've got pregnant twice now - the first time with no charting or ov sticks and the 2nd with just ov sticks so I feel like the rest was just becoming obsessive for me. I feel I have a good understanding of my cycles and doing all the rest is just making me put more pressure on myself. I know it's in my personality to be obsessive (I am a recovering anorexic - I never say recovered because I think the self hatrid will always be there. I just choose not to act on my thoughts now).

So I will still be coming on here but perhaps not so often - I hope everyone understands and is ok with that?

Anyway, seeing my relatives and the baby was emotional (but I didn't cry in front of them!!) but also wonderful. I had LOADS of cuddles with him and he truly is adorable. Everyone said I was a natural and will make a fantastic mummy - I sure hope so. It has made me even more determined to keeping going and keep trying :\)

Then today I went with my sister to collect her wedding dress and then her and mum came over for dinner so it was nice to have some company with hubby away. But have had no time to get online the last few days!

On top of all this I've been feeling really ill all week - then AF found me this morning! I was expecting it as I've had cramps and horrible headaches all week and, of course, the BFN's. It's the first since last mc which is why I think it's hurting so much more than usual. But emotionally I am ok - looking forward to the coming month and being more relaxed about it all!!

Goodness...sorry this was SO long. I will shut up now! I hope you are all ok :\)

Wow that was a long post! Ha! Not complaining, you seem in much better spirits, I am so pleased you got through the week and out the otherside. I am sorry the witch found you. I knew you would be ok with the baby. It is sad but babies have a way of making everything ok. I am sorry you have been ill this week, hope you are feeling better now xxx

Hi NN, I've read your posts over the past few weeks - I don't post very often!! I think you've made the perfect decision for you. I think it's easy to get pent up about ttc and it takes the joy out of everything and put an enormous amount of pressure on yourself when you are also trying to grieve. I'm beginning to feel a lot like you and I only miscarried last month. . Anyway glad you are feling better and hope you get your BFP soon...I'm sure you will. Virtual hugs xxShell

Good to hear you sounding more chirpy, i agree with you about the ttc forum, i cant even try for 3 months so no point in me going on there just yet, might pop on now and again just to check for a few of the regulars BPF's. Your right, things feel slighty diff after a mc, so i dont want to sound mean to others when they are so exited and its such a nice feeling, i s'pose sadly we know things dont always run smoothly. I love this forum thou' so will be back on here regularly to catch up with you all. Nik, dont stay away too long, we'll all miss you x

Hello petal, welcome back, it's good to see your name on here and souding much better. Sounds like you've had a very trying week what with one thing and another. It looks like you and I are in sync! I've had my first af after mc this week too and I too tested early and felt silly and desperate and very sad when it came up BFN. But gave myself a proper talking too. before I came on this site I waited for af, if it was a couple of days late I would test. I never tested early before, so I am going back to my own way of doing it. I love the ttc forum and the girls on there keep me feeling positive and keep my spirits up with their BFPs, but I have to do this my way, as we all do. keep smiling petal, we could both be just in time for a Christmas BFP. I have told hubby that who knows, it could be the second coming......he says he knew I was bonkers, but claiming to be the mother of god was going a bit far!!! xx

Nik - welcome back honey. Wow, you are amazing. (Not that I ever doubted you!!) You are such a strong and wonderful girl and your self awareness is remarkable, truly admirable. I knew you would bounce back, you just needed some time to get yourself together through an emotion-filled couple of days.

It is great that you have realised that it is not healthy for yourself to do certain things. By simply recognising what makes you more anxious allows you to stop letting those things take control of you. You seem to have taken back the reigns and it is wonderful to hear your strength come back through your post again.

If I hear another person say to me that "if you just relax it will happen" I will clobber them!! But when we realise and/or acknowledge such things ourselves (in our own time!) it is a healthy achievement. We all know what we should / should not do but no one who has not been in our position truly understands how difficult it can be. You are doing so well so keep it up love. I hope the next couple of weeks are full of positive things and thoughts...and I hope that then leads to a BFP to top it all off!xx

Oh NN, Im so glad your back. You could have writen a millon pages but it wouldnt matter, its just so nice to have you back.It sounds like you have had a very hectic week but it also seems like you have put things to rest to hun if you know what I mean. Your little beans will always be with you in your heart and thoughts but it seems like you have used this week well to get over very difficult hurdles.I totally agree with the learning to relax over TTC. It can become very obsessive which cant help in the long run. Your BFP is just around the corner, you'll see!!