I've committed many wrongs in my life. many of which have hurt people. i wish i could apologize for every one of them. make up for it some how. show people i care. but i don't even know where to begin. if you knew what did, you would know there is no true redemption for my actions. there is only the mercy and forgiveness of god. I've thought about killing myself many times for my misdeeds. but i'm too much of a coward to go through with it. god i hate myself. no one would truly miss me if i died. everyone would probably be better off. i don't know what to do, if there's anything i can do that would make the situation better. if i lived a thousand life times and saved a million people, that wouldn't come close to making up for my wrongs. don't weep for me, the battle is already lost.

You do deserve forgiveness regardless of what you've done in my view. Anyway maybe you would be better off asking a counselor, priest or social worker or something to give it to you? Every person has good and bad in them. It's the constant struggle to rise above your badness that makes it so tiresome. There are always temptations in the way, chances to be mean and harm those that have wronged us. Maybe sometimes we go too far and I don't believe redemption is ever out of reach for anybody. However I know you're better than whatever you've done. Hope that helps and apology accepted. :)

Amy Lee wrote:Just what we all need... more lies about a world that never was and never will be.

Azula to Long Feng wrote:Don't flatter yourself, you were never even a player.

I'm not a professional counselor, and the circumstances may be quite different. (There's no need to say so.) I'm just throwing this out as possibly helpful advice.

Spoiler:

If the harm you did was of a criminal nature, turning yourself in to the authorities would probably help substantially with your guilt and self-loathing.

Not that spending time incarcerated isn't harrowing of its own accord, which might also be detrimental to your mental and emotional health.

But the fact that you summoned the integrity and courage to voluntarily seek atonement for something that you would otherwise have gotten away with would be a significant factor in sentencing, and would also be significant from the victims' standpoint. It's easier to forgive someone who demonstrates real contrition, and there are few things more contrite than stepping up to say, "I really want to accept full responsibility for the harm I've done, even though it will mean some life-changing personal sacrifice on my part."

[Edited to say--I belatedly realized that my phrasing above might seem to imply that I think you lack integrity or courage if you don't take this particular course of action. That wasn't my intention. I was just exploring one particular hypothetical, which might not even be relevant to your situation at all.]

Several of my family members harmed others to the point that they were arrested, convicted, and sent to prison for it. (Unlike you, they did not stop harming others until they got caught, and sometimes there were other family members aware of what was going on who deliberately lied and covered up their crimes, so that the kids wouldn't suffer the financial and emotional consequences of having a parent in jail.)

Going through society's justice system did not undo the harm that they had done to innocents. Due to the nature of that harm, nothing could undo it. And yes, the kids of these criminals did indeed suffer financial and emotional consequences from having a parent in jail.

But at least the victims had the consolation of official recognition that what had happened to them was wrong, and that the persons responsible for harming them were held accountable by society, and also that those persons had received court-ordered treatment for the compulsions that had driven them to harm others, so that these things wouldn't happen again to others.

Again, a professional's advice might be quite different. I would encourage you to speak to such a professional, in order to find out. When we are mentally and emotionally vulnerable, our assessment of what seems an unforgivable sin may be far more harsh than the assessment of a neutral third party. (Actually, a therapist isn't completely neutral, because he or she is keenly interested in your wellbeing. But that person is distant enough from your situation to be able to see it from a different perspective.)

Bottom line--Some random stranger on the Internet, such as myself, is not an appropriate person for you to tell all the details, but a professional therapist would be. I hope you'll explore that option and find the peace and wellbeing you seek. Best wishes to you.

One last thing that I hope helps: Even if you've committed a crime you can still have a life even if you get punished. Being punished by the justice system may be harsh and unfair sometimes however it's really one of the only fair solutions when you have committed a crime. That still doesn't mean you are beyond redemption or shouldn't have friends or deserve to kill yourself. I wanted to do that for a long time but I have given it up now because it's too difficult. I hope you will consider giving up suicide too. Anyways, if you have committed a crime or a grievous social wrong then it might be best to just accept being punished and then move on. Cut ties with the people you've wronged after you've atoned for it. I have a feeling they wouldn't forgive you anyways.

Struggling with criminal impulses can be a constant source of shame, confusion and social wrongdoing that just creates a vicious cycle where it seems like everybody wants to punish you. Some people were raised in an environment where they harmed others to survive/get what they wanted out of life and they deserve redemption as well. However I'm telling you that once you take the appropriate first step, whether that be seeing a therapist or apologizing to the people you've wronged or whatever then you will start to feel better. The void caused by broken friendships can be difficult to fill afterwards however I know you have it in you to rise above whatever happened.

Amy Lee wrote:Just what we all need... more lies about a world that never was and never will be.

Azula to Long Feng wrote:Don't flatter yourself, you were never even a player.