Leaked documents have revealed that the Vatican plans to appoint a ‘much younger, hotter, sassier Pope’ next time the position becomes available in an effort to reach out to a new generation of churchgoers.

Denying that the plans, which were found on a train in the Milan area, represented ‘a sellout to secularisation’, Cardinal Paolo Romeo, the archbishop of Palermo, said: ‘We are not having too bad a time of it with the old gaffer who’s in at the moment, but we think it’s time we went for somebody a bit more, you know, buff.’

The plans also suggest that the College of Cardinals may elect a ‘young female companion’ to assist the next Pope in his adventures. ‘There will be no hanky-panky in the Basilica,’ said Cardinal Romeo. ‘But a foxy young sidekick at the Holy Father’s side could be just the ticket, somebody like Cheryl Cole or Lily Allen. Personally I’m a bit worried that if we don’t go ahead with these changes then there’s a chance the Catholic Church could begin to look a bit dated and out of touch.’