I am not a good advogator. I don't post to my diary with
any sort of regularity (it's been something well over a
month since my last one) and when I do post, it's usually
got nothing to do with code. But that's ok, because code
has been a secondary crutch in my life for a while now. I
just didn't realize it.

This post is also not about code, or computers, or
technology, or anything. It's about me. Sorry.

I'm posting now, because I have something to say, and no one
to say it to. It's not that I don't have friends, (I have
some of the best friends anybody could ask for), it's just
that I feel like I need to say this in a more 'generic
recipient' way.

I am drunk.

I just walked nearly two miles, through falling snow, wind,
and some pretty significant cold. One might ask why I did
this. One might ask why I took the "two in the morning, sub
twenty degree, walk down to the highway" on this of all
nights. And one would be right for doing so.

It wasn't just a walk... it was the bourbon dance.

For you see, I realized tonight... I am either a complete
and utter moron, who doesn't even deserve the pathetic life
he's just barely managed to live thus far, or I am (as my
sig stolen from seanbabay.com will testify to) history's
greatest genius.

I needed the walk down to the highway to try to figure
things out. And I'm not sure that I have,, but at least now
I'm tired, and might actually manage to sleep at some point
(it's Thu Dec 21 02:50:11 EST 2000 at the moment... shit, I
can't even process time right now)

For those of you too dense to realize it on your own... I am
completely and utterly retarded over *gasp* a girl. For the
purpose of torturing myself and indulging my masochistic
nature, tonight I've been reffering to her internally as
"The Girl", with the 'T' and the 'G' in capital letters.

I've known her since high school (some 10 years for me
now).
I had a pretty serious crush on her then. We kept running
into each other periodically for the last several years,
and we'd chat and stuff. I ran into her last spring, and
actuallly had a great conversation with her right there in
the grocery store.... the pasta isle.

We traded email addresses. I pulled some strings, and got
her phone number. We chatted. We got together for dinner
and whatnot, and became good pals. We talked about dating,
and decided it wouldn't work out, because we were too
different, and she was seeing someone, and blah blah blah
blah blah.

Fuck all that. I wanted this girl, and I didn't care who
knew it. But I played along with this friends thing, because
I knew that I needed her in my life in some capacity, even
if it meant just being her friend. Even if it meant
torturing myself through a mere fraction of the relationship
I wanted.

But something happened. Thanksgiving evening, she came over
to watch a movie with me. The entire evening, the air was
thick with something... something that was way more than
friendship. We both felt it.... I was so shocked by it that
I couldn't call her for two or three days afterwards. She
was so shocked, she declared that we couldn't be together
anymore
without some sort of adult supervision.

Things happened pretty quickly after that. we went from
being casual friends that had some mutual romantic feelings
for each other to being two people with a silly inability
to be apart from each other for more than a couple of hours,
in a mere matter of days,.

Now here we are... a couple weeks of fabulous romance
later. She's trying to get her mind right... trying to get
happy with herself, and get in a good space. She's telling
me she needs some space, and I...

I actually said I understand. And that I want her to be
happy with herself. And I want to be happy with myself. And
I want us to be happy together if we're meant to be. I want
her to get things right, and then the two of us can go
explore what lives between us.

Now I'm second guessing myself. Am I an idiot? Is this meant
to be, and I'm doing the right thing? Is this not meant to
be and it doesn't matter what I think? Did I just gamble a
couple days worth of great sex against a potential future of
'the real thing'? Am I just deluding myself into believing
that something could actually happen between me, and this
fabulous woman?

I've actually been completely re-writing the 'plan' of the
rest of my life around this woman. I've been looking at the
kid issue. I've been thinking about moving to Indy. I'm
shopping for a bed for christ-sakes. I let this woman touch
my feet. When I go to sleep at night, I pretend she's there
with me (unless of course she's actually with me) and when I
wake in the morning, my first thought is about her.

Shit. jjw just called. One of my
servers is hosed, and paging him. So I did the smart thing,
and killed the paging script. The actual problem can
probably wait until I'm sober.

In order to escape the hidious noise of my brain racing at a
million miles an hour, I had to leave the house. My brother
came over for a while, we watched 'the Whole Nine Yards',
and that helped. But when he left, I was left alone with...
well, with my brain.

Lot's of people claim to be their own worst enemy. I have
World War Three raging inside me most of the time.

So I realized I had to leave. I grabbed my hip flask, which
was already pre stocked with about half a pint of my
favorite 100 proof bourbon. I walked a nice straight line,
the whole half mile down to the highway.

The wether being what it is, and due to the lateness of the
hour, the highway was pretty deserted. So I stood in the
middle of it, and drank, defying some stupid car to come
squish me. I find I get a bit cavalier with my personal
safety when I'm under emotional stress.

The walk home was much less of a straight line. I wobbled
all over the place, and it's only the lack of traffic that
kept me from getting squished. My tracks through the snow
resemble a snake wrapped around a barbers pole. But the
upside is... I met a really nice horse on my way home, and
he talked some sense to me I think.

I sit here now, remembering what I said to her... I want to
be happy, I want her to be happy, and optimally, I want us
to be happy together. If that means she needs to go get her
mind right for a bit, then so be it... I'll cope. I just
didn't realize it'd be this hard. But I guess I'll deal, and
she'll call me in a couple of days.

I'm confident that things will work out for the best. Or
else, I expect I'm probably not long for the midwest.