It's Past Time to Rename The Days of the Week

Look, we all know that this (the USA) is a Christian nation so I think it is well beyond time to get rid of the pagan influence that sits upon ever day of our lives - the names we use for the days of the week. They are horribly offensive and are helping lead our nation down into a pit of abyss. Over the centuries these names, and the meaning behind them, have weakened our national resolve and have led to a general decay in our morality.

Here is what each day means (thanks to Wikipedia):

Remnants of the Germanic deities remain in the English language names for days of the week, as (more or less) calques of the Roman names:

* Sunday: The name Sunday comes from the Old English sunnandæg, meaning "Day of the Sun". This is a translation of the Latin phrase Dies Solis. English, like most of the Germanic languages, preserves the original pagan/sun associations of the day. Many other European languages, including all of the Romance languages, have changed its name to the equivalent of "the Lord's day" (based on Ecclesiastical Latin Dies Dominica). Compare Spanish Domingo.

* Monday: The name Monday comes from the Old English Mōnandæg, meaning "Day of the Moon". This is likely based off of a translation of the Latin name Dies Lunae (cf. Romance language versions of the name, e.g., French Lundi, Spanish, Lunes).

* Tuesday: Tuesday comes from the Old English Tiwesdæg, meaning "Tyr's day." Tyr (in Old English, Tiw, Tew or Tiu) was a god of combat and heroic glory in Germanic paganism. The name of the day is based on Latin Dies Martis, "Day of Mars" (the Roman war god); compare French Mardi and Spanish Martes.

* Wednesday: This name comes from the Old English Wodnesdæg meaning the day of the Germanic god Woden (Wodan), more commonly known as Odin, who was the highest god in Norse mythology, and a prominent god of the Anglo-Saxons (and other places) in England until about the seventh century. It is based on Latin Dies Mercurii, "Day of Mercury"; compare French Mercredi and Spanish Miércoles. The connection between Mercury and Odin is more strained than the other syncretic connections. The usual explanation is that both Odin and Mercury were considered psychopomps, or leaders of souls, in their respective mythologies. Also, in Old Norse myth, Odin, like Mercury, is associated with poetic and musical inspiration. In German, the day is referred to as mittwoch (mid week).

* Thursday: The name Thursday comes from the Old English Þunresdæg, meaning the day of Þunor, commonly known in Modern English as Thor, the Germanic god of thunder. It is based on the Latin Dies Iovis, "Day of Jupiter"; compare French Jeudi and Spanish Jueves. In the Roman pantheon, Jupiter was the chief god, who seized and maintained his power on the basis of his thunderbolt (Fulmen).

* Friday: The name Friday comes from the Old English Frigedæg, meaning the day of Frige, the Germanic goddess of beauty, who is a later incarnation of the Norse goddess Frigg, but also potentially connected to the Goddess Freyja. It is based on the Latin Dies Veneris, "Day of Venus"; compare French Vendredi and Spanish Viernes. Venus was the Roman god of beauty, love and sex.

* Saturday: Saturday is the only day of the week to retain its Roman origin in English, named after the Roman god Saturn associated with the Titan Cronos, father of Zeus and many Olympians. In Latin it was Dies Saturni, "Day of Saturn"; compare French Samedi and Spanish Sábado, which come from Sambata Dies (Day of the Sabbath).

What is different is that the gods in question (except Saturn) don't appear to rule over the planets involved. However, as shown above, they correspond to some extent to Roman gods that rule over the respective planets.

I think it should be painfully obvious to even the most militant atheists out there that Satan is behind the naming of the days of the week and this is just one of the many ways he is subtly attacking us on a daily basis. I say we should all petition our congress and have a law passed that will change the days of the week to far better names such as:

(it would be really nice if I could make an html table here but oh well)

oldname: Sunday
proposed New Name: Day of Our Lord
reasoning: let's just be honest with everyone; that is what Sunday is so why obfuscate the fact with foul pagan symbology?

oldname: Monday
newname: MonkDay
reasoning: who doesn't love a monk? These guys are great and they make great choirs. Seems like the perfect sense of obligation to remind you about getting back to work doesn't it?

oldname: Tuesday
newname: TueresaDay
reasoning: sure, I spelled Mother Theresa's name wrong but that is on purpose so we can keep using the Tue abbreviation.

oldname: Wednesday
newname: WelcomeDay
reasoning: A perfect day to welcome lost sheep into the arms of Our Lord. It's the middle of the weak and by now we are all tired and huddle masses - so we should all be heading to Mass anyway.

oldname: Thursday
newname: ThomasDay
reasoning: saint Thomas Aquinas? I'm probably spelling his name wrong but since I can remember it he probably deserves to have a day named after him; plus that how Th abbreviation is still good to go.

oldname: Friday
newname: FathersDay
reasoning: look, we Dad's don't get enough credit and just one Fathers Day a year isn't sufficient. Plus this gives a nice reference to Our Lord, the Father again so it's a nice tie-in.

oldname: Saturday
newname: SaintsDay
reasoning: I think the pattern should be pretty obvious here so there should be no need to spell this one out.

There is no way anyone could be opposed to these suggestions so I say we get working on getting these legally changed. Maybe then God really will Bless America again!