I have a brain fart that the medical community calls an Arnold Chiari Malformation. After decompression surgery in 2006, my brain is learning to coexist peacefully with my spinal cord in the cramped quarters of my spinal canal. With a real hole in my head, I am now free to continue the pursuit of life, liberty, and good coffee -- between headaches, nausea, dizziness, and seizures, of course!

The last time I posted, I expressed my concern about sleep deprivation. I saw the neurologist on Tuesday, and she confirmed my suspicions. The overwhelming majority of my current misery, including the breakthrough seizures and headaches, is coming from a lack of sleep. Easy problem to solve, right? Just add sleeping meds to my list of prescriptions and all will be right in my world. Not so!

I won't willingly take medications that impede my ability to think clearly. Heck, Ibuprofen is the strongest pain med I feel comfortable taking. Even after 8 major surgeries, I never used pain medication. It's not because I want to suffer unnecessarily or to prove my strength that I refuse pain medications, I just don't like the way they make me feel. An allergic reaction to codeine in my early twenties was enough to convince me that conscious-altering drugs were not the way to go, and it's been that way ever since.

So, how to tackle the problem of not sleeping through the night without using a sleeping potion? Dr. S suggested 25mg of Benadryl at bedtime. You'd think that because I don't take medications that can cause drowsiness, it shouldn't take very much to knock me out since my body isn't used to them. No such luck! Thus far, 25mg doesn't do the trick, so I need to up the ante to 50mg. If the 50mg dosage doesn't work, then we'll try Elavil. We'll see what happens. . .

The Endgame

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Anita Van Cise Willett, 1939-1976

Address in the Stars

I stumbled across your old picture todayI could barely breatheThe moment stopped me coldGrabbed me like a thiefI dialed your numberBut you wouldn't be thereI knew the whole timeBut it's still not fairI just wanted to hear your voiceI just needed to hear your voice

What do I do with all I need to say?So much I want to tell you every dayOh it breaks my heartI cry these tears in the darkI write these letters to youBut they get lost in the blue'Cause there's no address in the stars

Now I'm driving through the pitch black darkI'm screaming at the sky cause it hurts so badEverybody tells me all I need is timeThen the morning rolls in and it hits me againAnd that ain't nothing but a lie

What do I do with all I need to say?So much I want to tell you every dayOh it breaks my heartI cry these tears in the darkI write these letters to youbut they get lost in the blue'Cause there's no address in the stars

Without you here with me I don't know what to doI'd give anything just to talk to youOh it breaks my heartOh it breaks my heartAll I can do is write these letters to youBut there's no address in the stars