7.4.14

If you've ever tried to make room for yourself in an addicts head----its an extremely crowded room. People from their past, the marching band bass drums going BOOM, BOOM, BOOM full of shame and guilt, nightmares that carry on to day and this big omnipotent voice telling them---YOU MUST DRINK....it leaves little room for your seemingly now little voice. Occasionally when they sober up you get a few words in but never for long as the addiction is like this upstairs neighbour thats moved in their head and wont get out. You've let it slipped out that you live with an alcoholic to some friends and either they react in anger (How can you dare put up with all that? Why havent you left the bastard? ) or they start making up more and more excuses for not wanting to meet up with you or ask how you are doing. Nothing gets you uninvited to parties quicker than finding out your story of what you truly cope with at home. So you withdraw and you dont tell people---You try to find other ways to get things out and somehow verbalise what's happening to you. You feel like you are going crazy some days because you are the only one who sees 100% what's happening to this person that was your best friend and partner for 13 yrs. Even they dont see it all---only maybe 20% if you're lucky because of the blackouts and such. You tell his family they hit the stages of grief with denial and even your own family can only handle so much. You tell counsellors and whoever will truly listen but the hour always goes by too quickly and you've got a pot full of boiling water that was only able to get out just a brief moment of steam. Al anon helps a little but the 3 minute sharing opportunities there are never seem enough. You start wondering if any of this is even real and dont even know where to begin to help yourself or help them. Some Scentsy friends have told me not to tell anyone what's happened as it will hurt my business----so combined with people who seem to run away you get very fearful about even sharing your story. People freak out with addiction----they dont know how to handle it and most of the time demonise the addict and say that they are 'Choosing' to destroy their life and the lives around them. Well after living with a very sick end stage alcoholic I can tell you that I think it depends on the person. I've read the big book for AA and you hear stories of people just waking up one day and deciding to stop----I dont think that my partner is mentally, physically, emotionally, chemically able to make decisions let alone stopping. I gave up on trying to help him for the longest time because I was waiting for him to come to that ephiphany on his own. But then things have progressed to the point that he's been diagnosed as anorexic due to this evil illness. I was told that help wasnt available on the NHS and the most that he'd get was a two week at home detox which is obviously not great for him. I talked to rehab after rehab and they all said it was rare to get help and that maybe 1-2% of cases get funding to go to detox/rehab. So was surprised that through begging with social services, his GP amongst numerous other services that I stumbled the local alcohol services who recently told him that they'd be sending him to detox/rehab for 3-6 months fully funded....but maybe he has actually moved now into that 1-2% of cases I dont know. I wonder sometimes if the help is too late for him but I dont know, its something I cant really think about right now.

So we wait for the paperwork to get sorted----been told he'll be in in one to two weeks but it seems like too far away to be honest. I'm exhausted with this addiction but have stayed with this weird complicated mess of not having anywhere else to go, not having the means to go and feeling obligated and this huge sense of guilt to stay. He has NO ONE really and the amount of times I've been here to call an ambulance when he was throwing up pools of blood on Christmas Day or in pain due to pancreatitis or too sick to do anything. This isnt an ego thing but I've saved this guys life so many countless times. He told me that he hates me for not letting him die---I dont know maybe I should let him die. I'm not sure whether a 6 month rehab will save him at this point but I know he deserves to live even if he doesnt have the money to pay. This whole thing is between him and God at this point really.

Whilst he's gone I need to figure out how to fix ME and this whole job thing that I've been coping with for far too long. The addiction by itself is overwhelming but adding unemployment to this......no wonder some days I wake up in the middle of the night with panic attacks.

I've had to just completely let all of this go to God and figure out how to not let this experience damage me but to use it to help and serve others which is why I think I'll be writing here more about everything and screw whether this ends up scaring people away. You start to wonder if this will last forever and why on earth that you have had to cope with so much...but there's always someone out there who has had it worse---always.

29.12.13

Where to even begin filling in the blanks??? This last year was HARD but I've survived.

I accomplished things I didnt expect and I didnt accomplish things I really really wanted to. I worked hard to keep my head above water and some days felt like drowning. I travelled a lot....Dublin, Paris and the Mediterranean thanks to Scentsy.

I am still with my partner James. He's not well due to the evil of alcoholism and continues with each day getting less and less like the best friend I knew. I've seen him struggle more than anyone I ever have in my entire life and its pushed me to my limits emotionally, physically and spiritually. Its been a huge blessing in some ways though because my heart and strength have grown ten fold and I've begun on a path to find the real me and have learned about unconditional love. I'm not sure how his body has tolerated what it has but it puts me at awe at what amazing creations our bodies truly are.

I worked so hard to try to make changes this last year with this but sometimes the universe has other plans. I know so many people dont understand why I've stayed, but they dont seem to understand that its not so easy to leave. You need the basics: food, shelter and I cannot put myself at risk for homelessness. Its not so easy to find work either when you've been unemployed and people look at your resume and wonder what's wrong with you. You need a job to get a job and that's an obstacle that I wasnt able to conquer this last year.

I do do Scentsy and its made HUGE leaps this last year including earning a free vacation to Greece this coming May and its SOMETHING for myself and during the summer/Autumn I was able to contribute quite a lot and buy groceries, etc. As with any business though it takes time to build and I'm not able to live in one of the most expensive cities in the world based on Scentsy money alone.

I've stayed up many nights trying to figure out what I can do to fix all of this. I cant fix James and I've done a lot to let this go and let my 'Higher Power' take control of this. Yes it most definitely affects me but through prayer and faith and working on myself to make myself stronger I've been able to limit the damage of everything. The job thing.....I have no clue and continue to pray about it. I believe Maya Angelou said once that If you dont like your life change it, if you cant change it change yourself which is what I'm doing. I'm doing everything possible I can to fix ME. I have no choice but to trust God will put things in my path and that God has a bigger dream for me because otherwise it seems to much to handle otherwise.

I've thought about writing down my story and using this whole thing to try to lift up others in some way. I've had thoughts about doing this for a while but never felt very good at writing.

Anyway.....I'm hoping to connect more here again. I've created a new blog just for my most favourite pictures. There will still be pictures here but my personal all time most favourite pics will be on this page. There will also be an option to order something. It means that if you would like to help me in some way you can. x

3.4.13

2.4.13

Just got back from a MUCH NEEDED trip to Paris (first time we've been in TWO YEARS if you can believe---FIRST BREAK EVER in two years---too long). Been to this city so much in the past 12 yrs I've lived in London but this trip was the first time I noticed the LIGHT for some reason.....the light hits the buildings...EVERYTHING in just this gorgeous amazing, spiritual way. The white of the buildings in the afternoon sun just GLOWS and and if you stop to notice just for a minute it just makes your heart BEAM. No wonder Renoir loved to paint this city because of the gorgeous LIGHT. Spending so much time chasing all this light has filled my heart and done my mind, body and spirit the world of good. Only 5 weeks left till I'm off to Barcelona, Cannes, Rome for a Mediterranean Cruise. Looking forward to all of the photo ops. Its been nice to travel so much this year already. I've needed this. :)

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