Poetry Forum

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!

Okay Charlotte, let's give this a try in the spirit intended. First, my disclaimer, I am not a professional, I am not a teacher, I am not trained in poetry, literature or english. I am just a layman poet with a point of view that can be taken or left behind - you choose. I think this poem is terrific. I only have two minor suggestions that, as I read it, I think helps with the meter. Both suggestions are in the first stanza.

In the second line, I might consider replacing the comma (,) with the word "yet" or "and". I think, if I counted right, that this results in the 1st and 3rd line having the same number of syllables and the 2nd and 4th line having the same number. The beat of the pause caused by the comma, I think is better served with a word.

In the fourth line, I would consider changing the words "That sets" to "Setting" - same beat; just easier to read - in my humble opinion.

So there you have it. Two minor suggestions for a well written poem. The rest of it read well to me. I hope that wasn't too painful. Good luck with your poetry. Joeedited by jflach on 5/7/2010

Hi CharlotteYou have superfluous words that break up the meter. You started out well with the first verse, but then words such as "but" and "yet" and even "the"are not needed in places, and removing them will make the poem flow better.

HI Charlotte, Before anything else may I say ditto to Joe's disclaimer. This is a purely personal take on your poem which I loved reading. Verse 1-line 4- read- 'set in stone' making the line 7 syllables as in first 3 lines.

Verse 3-line 4- change 'what's' to what is. bringing it up to 8 syllables as in the other 3 lines.

Verse 5-line 3- read-'but we're last to see,' dropping the "the" again to match syllable count.

Verse 4- line 2- is a syllable short, a possible suggestion is 'inside and outside'

I hope this is helpful , but remember the poetry is yours and you must be happy with the results. warm regards Margaret

I liked it. I don't have any critique really except for always make sure spelling is correct. I disagree with the post about changing set in stone simply because the common phrase is "set in stone" and the meter is the same either way. The only thing is the grammar. Are the "eyes" or the "spy" doing the setting. If it is the "eyes", you shoud change to set.