This story belongs on a site that accepts fanfiction. Unfortunately, this is a site for original stories, which, does not include yours.
I'll tell what I've told the others -If you're looking for more reviews by posting it here, you're not gonna get them. First of all, people here reject fanfics on this site, and will likely freeze your account. You'd be better off posting it up on .
Other than that, your story's not too bad. I would keep working on it though. You have more dialogue than anything else. Use more details, description, and make the transitions less choppy. Keep working at it.