HEADS OR TAIL

Our heads; your tale

May 09, 2011

Dominating the Dominatrix

Dear HOT,

I’ve been courting my Person In Question for about 3 months…

Slow courtship, intentionally… we’re both very sexually experienced, and she works in the adult entertainment business [professional domme]… so the kissing has been the focus, the sex is going to happen at a more “special time”, probably on a trip we’re taking.

We had a 3 hour discussion about our fetishes the other night… I have always been very dominant, but the energy with her was not that way at the start… but it turns out she is VERY submissive, and I read it wrong. I have been out of the D/s scene for about 5 years, and I know I haven’t been putting out that energy to her… should I just get back into my more confident and powerful energy slowly, or should I just flip the light switch the next time we play?

– Switch Flippington

Ava says:

Let me tell you a little story, SF. Once upon a time, I was dating a tres hot femme whom I will call “Danni.” Danni classed herself as a bottom, so although I had largely been a bottom myself up to that point, I flipped my internal switch and started topping the shit out of her. I was a serviceable service top, and she was happy as a (bearded) clam.

But then one day, smack in the middle of a scene, she turned the tables.

She grabbed a handful of hair at the nape of my neck, kissed me hard, then pushed me face-first onto the bed, and…

well, I’ll let your imagination fill in the rest. Point being, she grabbed the wheel when I least expected it, and it was unbelievably awesome. The surprise factor, the fact that she had been paying attention when I said I was a switch, all of that combined to make for an incredibly intense, extra-sexy experience, which opened up a whole new chapter in our relationship.

I say the best way to get back into your “confident, powerful energy” is simply by dominating her. And so long as she has a safeword and isn’t afraid to use it, there is no reason to tread carefully.

Flip that switch, SF. Flip it hard and flip it fast.

Rake says:

The truth is that she’ll accept whatever frame you can feel comfortable giving to her. So the real question you should ask yourself is: “What can I honestly feel confident doing?” Because your desire to do it right will exacerbate any actual fears or worries you have, and she will notice. Nothing kills libido in a submissive like a nervous or hesitant top.

That said, it is OK to take risks, but be sure you are the kind of person who can admit mistakes and fix them. Flipping the switch is good because, as Ava points out, it’s intense, and also because it prevents what I call “lost kinks.” That’s when someone wants something like piss drinking or latex play and it never gets explored because the dominant’s role is found in tandem with sexual a comfort zone.

As a dominant, your job is to get at every nook and cranny, both literally and figuratively.

It’s to chase down every kink and try them all, narrow that stuff down to what works for both of you and enjoy the game of being the maestro of a chorus of sexual exploration, not just a duet. Usually it’s fun and smart to figure this out over time, but that’s why you switch into dominance immediately if that’s what you are, and that’s what she wants, because that’s where the fun starts.

I remember a sub who I had just started seeing, and I bravely did something I would never suggest someone do. I got out a big fucking list of sex acts and went down them insisting on an answer as to what she was and wasn’t into, and just how into it she was. This is, generally speaking, an awful idea, but it worked for me because I bravely and insouciantly acted as if this were the most normal thing in the world. Afterwards I had all her limits, I knew what really got her hot, and that meant that I could give her what every submissive wants: someone who can fuck her without seeming like they are holding back or afraid, but also acting as guardian of her hard limits. And after I made it very clear that safewords are not failure, just a way to pause and talk, we had incredible sex that very day and an awesome relationship afterwards.