To my Mom

Discussions I would have liked to have had with my mother if she had lived past 55

Submitted: February 25, 2007

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Submitted: February 25, 2007

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Dear Mom

I wish we could have met on even ground without the obstacle of religious differences between us. I am so greatful to have had you as my mother. You were a very strong person and very intelligent.
I remember seeing you put yourself through court reportingschool while working long hours. I appreciate all the many sacrifices you made for us.

I am now a grand parent and wonder if you were as amazed to see how small and sweet the next generation of children are? Did you notice how much they resemble their parents? My oldest looks so much
like you, and when I look inthe mirror, I see grandma.

I wish we could have shared each other's hopes and dreams. I would have liked getting to know you as a woman and not just my mother. Thanks Mom for everything.

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This is much too short with too little information to satisfy your readers. You mention religious differences but tell us nothing about them. You tell us your mother was strong and intelligent and don't SHOW us in what way. In one sentence you TELL us what she did.

You mention she made sacrifices for 'us.' You don't expand on the sacrifices and don't tell us who 'us' is.

You say you would like to share your hopes and dreams with your mother but tell us nothing of the hopes and dreams you have.

We don't even know who you are or even what sex you are!

This is not a memoir; it's a .... nothing. I am not being disrespectful to your work. It is you who are disrespectful to your readers. If you want to be a writer, then write something worthy of being read. If this is something private you simply had to get off your chest, don't put it up for review.

It's not that you can't string words together, you can, though you sometimes don't finish a thought.

if you were as amazed
"...if you were as amazed... (as I)

Did you notice how much they resemble their parents?
Surely you meant grandparents!
Or you haven't got your thoughts organized here.

This has the potential to be a wonderful piece of writing, but you blew it. Sorry.

SmallWriter---TOO HARSH! Sometimes with new writers, they can be put-off by such RAGINGLY harsh critiques! I've seen other's here on Booksie that it might be justified (grammar & spelling errors, inconsistent, nonsensical ramblings...), but this one, I don't think so. THIS isn't THAT "bad". Yes, it could use some of the tidbits from your more 'helpful' ideas, BUT it DID not deserve the "you blew it" and the like. Shame on you. A "review" shouldn't be so rude...it could've been in a more positive, encouraging tone so that this writer is encouraged to re-write or, at least, to continue WRITING! Looks like you might have scared this one away. A shame....