Friday, September 10, 2010

Ramsey Moves Out, and a Special Friend Visits

Ramsey was moving out of our apartment, and in with his girlfriend Annie. But to where? Would she come join him in New York? Or would he go join her in Philly? I went to Dempsey's -- one of our favorite local pubs – to have a beer and mull it over.

As hard as I tried to consider both sides, the decision seemed obvious. Not only are all of Ramsey’s friends are in New York City, but New York's just better. Who cares if Annie's anxious about moving to an overwhelming city she’d otherwise have no interest in? She'll learn to love it, right?

Then I hear a rumbling sound, and the ground starts to shake. Wait a minute. Is that....

HE DISMOUNTS HIS HORSE, PUTS DOWN THE HEADGEAR, AND POINTS A PENCIL IN MY DIRECTION.

"You've got a lot to learn, young man!"

CORSO: Not so fast, my friend!

ME: You don't think New York is the obvious choice for Ramsey?

CORSO: Not only is it not the obvious choice, it’s the wrong choice.

HE GRABS THE STOOL NEXT TO ME AT THE BAR AND TAKES A SIP OF MY BEER.

ME: Please explain.

CORSO: You know football started this week, right?

ME: Right.

CORSO: And you write a freaking blog about it, so you know there's lots of “football vs. girlfriend” arguments coming up, correct?

ME: Correct.

CORSO: And your goal is to win the majority of those arguments, right?

ME: Of course. Where are you going with this, Mr. Corso?

HE TAKES A MASSIVE GULP OF MY BEER, AND SLAMS IT DOWN ON THE BAR.

CORSO: Son, Ramsey has two choices: The first is convincing Annie to live in New York City, but feeling guilty about it the entire time, knowing he asked her to do something she didn’t want to do. And since Annie made the ultimate sacrifice for Ramsey, she automatically wins every football vs. girlfriend argument.

ME (horrified): Automatically?

CORSO: Or they can live in Philly, making Annie happier than a $8000 gift certificate to Forever 21. Now Ramsey’s the one making the sacrifice, meaning he automatically wins every football vs. girlfriend battle.

ME: Fair enough, Lee. But won’t that wear off at some point?

CORSO: Of course! With women, everything does. But football will be over by then, most likely.

ME: Most likely.

HE FINISHES WHAT’S LEFT OF MY BEER.

CORSO: And besides, it’s the right thing to do.

ME: Well I guess I know which headgear you're putting on, then.

CORSO GRABS MR. MET AND PHILLIE PHANATIC HEADGEAR AND PUTS THEM ON THE BAR.

"Mets stink! Mets stink!"

CORSO: If you’ll excuse me…

CORSO PUTS THE PHILLIE PHANATIC HEADGEAR ON HIS HEAD, STANDS UP ON THE BAR, AND STARTS YELLING AT THE NEW YORK CROWD AND DANCING TO THE MUSIC. THE CROWD BOOS BACK. CORSO TAUNTS THEM MERCILESSLY, YELLING “METS CHOKE AGAIN! METS CHOKE AGAIN!” BEFORE TAKING TWO SHOTS OF JAMESON, REMOUNTING HIS HORSE, AND RIDING OFF INTO THE 2ND AVENUE SUNSET.

ME: I guess Ramsey’s moving to Philly.

Weekend Picks

Michigan (+3.5) @ Notre Dame (Sat, 3:30 ET). After running circles around UConn last week, consider me convinced that Denard Robinson is the real deal. I don't see the Irish having any better luck.

Tennessee (+12) vs. Oregon (Sat, 7:00 ET). The Ducks are good, and have really cool uniforms. But 12 points on the road to an always tough SEC team?