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It’s been WAY too long since either of us updated this lovely blog. So as a means of saving our site from its certain perpetual demise, I am going to sacrifice my valuable 401 studying time to write a post of epic proportions, not seen on this side of the Mississippi in near o’er a decade…

Or it could be really lame…

Part Un: Interlochen

Interlaken, Switzerland…psh, I WISH this was where I was.

I figured I should give a brief overview of my summer spent in Interlochen, Michigan:

It was hot as H-E-Double hockey sticks. I didn’t sleep. I worked my butt off. And I loved every moment of being WYSO’s librarian.

Ok, not EVERY moment.

Ok so here are the things I DONT miss from Interlochen:

1. The impossible amount of work.

One week’s worth of music.

Freaking Rite of Mothereffing Spring.

2. Numbering Measures.

FML

3. The shmexy uniform.

Knickerz

Hawt….

4. The food that made you question the very definition of “food”.

Stone Cafeteria: Home of the Vegetarian Vegetables

And last but certainly not least…

Dawg, uh…Wtf?

5. Finding out that not only did one of your junior choir boys eat the binding off of their choir folder, but that their maturity level would not increase substantially by the time they reached high school….case in point:

Step 2: The night prior to your voyage, stay up until 4am for no apparent reason. This will ensure that you sleep right through your alarm and successfully wake up an hour or so later than intended.

Copyright Allie Brosh

Step 3: On the day of your excursion, leave at the last possible minute. Now the trick is to leave so that you have just enough time to possibly make it, but that the chance of success is highly outweighed by the probability of failure. This step is essential and will really get your adrenaline running.

Step 4: Be sure that the day you are planning to travel coincides with the single day of the week you are not permitted to park on the sides of the roads in the downtown/metropolitan area. Causes of such days include: trash pick up, street sweeping, marathons, or parades.

Street Sweeper Pwnage

Step 5: Become Bruce Willis: put yo pedal to the metal, speedin’ round the block, leavin nothin but devastation in yo wake. [With the exception of sappy children films like The Kid, it really doesn’t matter which Bruce Willis character you attempt to personify. Just know that this is the ONE time today where you get to appear B.A.; so you’d better choose wisely.]

Step 9: Be dropped off at a local coffee shop or donut joint. The shabbier the court, the higher the chances of having demeaning experiences. Also it should be noted that the poundage of your luggage is directly related to the embarrassment you’ll probably endure throughout the day; so for the legendary traveler, it’s best that your total luggage exceeds your body weight.

Step 10: Hang ten in the joint for the next couple hours amusing yourself via any means possible. The more pathetic the attempt, the more likely people will pity you and/or think you’re a complete creeper.

Creep on customers in line.

Build stuff.

Give them your sexay face.

Step 11: When you’ve exhausted all possible means of entertainment and successfully over-advertised your experience via all mediums of online social networking, it’s time to actually find yourself a way home. This process can only be made more stimulating/degrading if you are completely broke (made particularly ironic by step 1). Possible solutions: prostitution, selling your soul to the devil, or becoming a drug dealer. In the unfortunate event that none of these options are viable, you may have to resort to phoning home.

Step 12: Undergo complete humiliation while transporting all luggage and self to the bus or train station. Try not to get raped or mugged in process. When you finally arrive at the depot, look as pathetic as possible. This will not only put off potential thieves (as even they have hearts) but will also possibly sway the ticket attendant to wave any fee on your overweight luggage.

You will not look even this classy

Step 13: Collapse on floor and wait for your transportation. Keep your ninja skillz alert, however, as the initial pity that many will have felt for you upon arrival will now have worn off making you susceptible to attack.

Shoot up some Carbos Bro!

Step 14: The fact that there are 14+ steps to this day should be fair warning that by the time you actually get on your bus or train, you will be exhausted. Unfortunately sleep may not be an option as those around you will inflict crude means of suffering; varying from toxic smells, horrendously loud music, vomiting in or around your immediate area, and last but not least forcing you to bear witness to sexual rendezvous (which let me just say, having sex on a Greyhound does NOT come with the same esteem of being part of the Mile High Club!)

Step 15: Survive. Get home. Collapse.

*Not intended for the weak or slow minded. Aspen will not to be held responsible for any loss of money, soul, dignity, or sanity caused by participation in any of the activities listed above. Buyer Beware.

So the essay part of our 402-Music History test is tomorrow… ::cough:: …. ::cough:: …excuse me, I mean today, seeing how it is 4:43am. I’ve outlined about one and a half of the possible three essays…and I thought I would take a wee little break to fill you in on my study habits…

Bitch gettin' shit done

Now if you couldn’t tell already, I’m clearly someone who does not tolerate procrastination when it comes to her education.

Peace dogg

I am a very focused individual and can easily block out distractions.

BAMF

Oh...oh...steady now...

Fuck...

I maintain clear-cut objectives; my studies always take priority over my social and love life.

How...

...seduced...

...are you?

And of course I always manage to keep a level head and am never overly dramatic!

OSMOSIS!!!!!!!!!

So, there you have it; a brief look into the vigorous world of yours truly. I hope I’ve effectively inspired you to relinquish your potentially poor or inefficient methods of getting shit done. Best be getting back to the ol’ grind…

Being sick sucks. A lot. Positively nothing is enjoyable. Even things that should be enjoyable…are not enjoyable….

Sleeping, for one: not only is it not enjoyable, sometimes it’s down right impossible! Yet it’s pretty much required for a speedy recovery. Fail sleeping, fail.

Taking drugs: Drugs can be awesome…until you get sick…and then suddenly, drugs are just not as awesome. Especially cough syrup…

cute kid

Yeah I know some people really like the taste of cough syrup and other meds…here’s a picture for you guys…

Somehow the look of wonder just screams “future crack whore”

But perhaps the worst part about being sick has got to be the effect it has on food.

I went to Bdubs with Haley tonight, because I am out of food. Actually, I’m not out of food. Far from it. I have about 6 boxes of various shapes of pasta, a bag of potatoes, and half a loaf of bread….Anywho! The truth is that nothing, not even homemade Chicken Noodle Soup tasted good! And by “didn’t taste good” I mean I couldn’t taste anything!!!!! And do you know how much sodium chicken bouillon has in it? A. lot.

So I went to Bdubs hoping I could find something that was substantial yet…maybe…just MAYBE had enough flavor that it might puncture the wall of misery that the mean germ put up around my defenseless taste buds.

I found no such solace.

I did make an interesting revelation though. I was nibbling on a piece of celery, enjoying the crisp texture and the fact that I knew I was not missing anything taste-wise, when I suddenly imagined the guy who first invented the celery and bleu cheese snack combo. Logic told me the dude must have simply liked bleu cheese a bit too much, but realized it was poor etiquette to dip one’s finger into the bleu cheese sauce while in public. So then he would have researched (via wikipedia, no doubt) edible items that taste like nothing…because bleu cheese already has a fairly robust taste and one would not want to interfere with its essence. And there in….celery was found.

Moments before he discovers celery

I wish I could assure you that I was on drugs. I wish even deeper that my brain had stopped its pitiful stumbling at this point…mostly however, I wish I had not divulged any of this to Haley, which inevitably led me to promising that I would share it with you and whoever else hopelessly reads this blog….

As I continued to gnaw at a bit of celery, basking in the great discovery of Mr. Bleu Cheese Man from of long ago, my mind (which had not received any signals from my MIA taste buds….or any sensors as it would seem) suddenly became enamored with the texture and consistency of the celery stick and its relative comparison to Styrofoam. From there I came up with the irrational thought that celery, because of its texture and environmental benefits, should be used to insulate and protect our packages rather than Styrofoam peanuts, which do not decompose and are created using CFCs….and we all know how bad CFC’s are….

DON’T WORRY EARTH!!! CELERY WILL SAVE YOU!!!

Luckily for all of us, it was only a matter of seconds…fine, minutes…before I realized that using celery as is would not be a good idea because it would potentially decompose in the box while en route or in storage. There was a brief moment where I wondered if someone had ever thought of making a non-decomposable form of celery….but then I took note that they had in fact come up with Styrofoam. I was back at square one 😦

Haley insisted that we leave quite soon after I delivered my recount of these various mind journeys. We went to CVS…where I got DRUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Salvation

I take back what I said about drugs before….drugs are awesome…at any point of the day or night or sickness or health. Drugs for the win!!!

You know your relationship is bad when it makes it into a magazine article.

Friendz

In the summer of 2009, I lived in Maxwell Terrace with my friend and (then) stand partner, Robyn. Her apartment happened to be directly above Julia’s and it was actually through this coincidence that Julia and I became such close friends.

During one of the many EPICALLY fun-filled days spent with Julia and Robyn, we found ourselves scrolling through a blog entitled “You Can Do Better”. The blog consisted of mainly one or two line phrases sent in by readers of the blog, where each entry was presented with a hypothetical “If” followed by a recap of a significant other’s atrocious actions…They then concluded with “then you can do better”.

For example:

“If he invites you over to his house and leaves you there to go to the bars with all of his friends, then you can do better.”

Having read all of the posts, we all figured, ‘shit…we can top these stories no problem’, and proceeded to create our own list. In total we came up with nearly 25 examples between the three of us. While it might not seem like the healthiest method, it ended up becoming a pretty therapeutic experience, although I’ll admit somewhat disheartening.

But the really ironic part came a week later, when the editor of the blog posted a link to an article in Marie Claire Magazine. As it turned out, an editorial journalist had written a column about the blog. It gave a brief description complete with ten entries that stood out as potentially the worst cases.

I would have laughed if one of mine had made it into the article, and maybe even considered myself honored had there been two. But of the ten examples listed, I recognized four of them as my own. There’s nothing like a perfect stranger telling you your boy friend is complete asshole to put it all into perspective.

Unfortunately, experience is the best teacher; and thus a crappy year and a half later, I think it’s safe to say that Julia and I both have become at least slightly wiser about relationships and boys in general. So here we present a list of revised ‘you can do betters’ from our various and sometimes mutual experiences, so that the random straggler that stumbles onto our lowly site might gain some knowledge from our losses…

If a dude’s ex threatens to kill you, then you can do better.

If he never once told you that you are beautiful…then you can do better.

If he is more into Justin Bieber than you….then you can do better.

If he admits that he purposefully hurts you so that he can make someone else as ‘empty and cold’ as himself…

….Really? This doesn’t even deserve a response….

If he constantly calls you an alcoholic…you can do better? (Julia…I’m not sure that’s his fault…) jk ;P

If he has a “non-romantic life partner”…know that they will always come first, and you can do better.

If you drunk chat and text a dude daily, but find yourself avoiding them in person, it’s probably not the healthiest relationship.

If the Colts come before your recital, you can do better.

If he throws up on you while you’re making out…probably best to just walk away.

If he’s more concerned with using your apt’s hot tub and pool than the fact that you’re breaking up with him, you should know by now that you can do better.

If you would rather spend time with the dude’s pet than the dude himself, you probably can do better.

If he doesn’t know how to return library items, you can do better.

And lastly, if at any point you can describe him as an “old lady”, you can do better.

Ok, don’t hate me for this! This is NOT meant as public humiliation. This is pure humor as well as proof to you that perhaps you SHOULD save your texts sent…..but mostly this is because I love you!!!!!

Julia:

jASHPEN

i’m drunk

realy drunk

but i love you

a lot

🙂

that wa typed so well

btw

Aspen:

I LOVE YOU TOOOOOOOO

Julia:

no

i lov eyou more

M2

shit

M#

Aspen:

hahahahha nOT possible

Julia:

N#

crap

❤

there

!!!!!

!!!

!!!!!!!!

;yay

Aspen:

hahahah

❤

Julia:

i hung out hre with bf

Aspen:

LOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVE

YAY BOYFRIEND

Julia:

for a long timr then we wen t to his plac e fand i met his roomies

and shit

adn stufff

Aspen:

😀

Julia:

for a while

then i came back here

eyah

nothing too cexciting

hhahahh

hahhaha

omg

the funny thing is we’re more just bff

not bf

but it’s ok

i’m gonnna keep calling him bff

i mean

bf

caues he’s so cute

but he was telling me aobut girl probablymes and iwas telling him aboustupei boys

Aspen:

hahhahhahahhahahhaha awww

Julia:

so it’s ok

omg i’m so drunk

if youcouldnt’ tell

hhaaha

Aspen:

awwwwww

you are suck a loveable drunk

Julia:

hhahahahah

great…

i met all his troomies this drunk

adn i actauully bonded really a lot with one of his roomies

cause johnny disappeared soemwhere

and i was chatting with like 3 reandome ppl

but yeah

it was fun

i met new ppl

and i hung out with johnny for a while berore too

before

🙂

HOW WAS your NIGHT

????

🙂

alsdkfjas;ldkjf

omg

i’m tsyping soooo well

hahaha

Aspen:

lolololololol

it was/is good

I’m at a friend’s apt

haley

drinking wine

Julia:

YAY

hi hayley

se doesn’t know me

i hope

hahah

or in the worst away

way

*

but hi anyways

s

…

s?

haha

M#

shit

M2

<@]

omg

OMG!

Aspen:

hahahahhahahahhahahhahahhaha

❤

Julia:

M2

…

❤

🙂

sucess

Aspen:

hahhahahhahahahahha

i want to save this convo!

hhahhahaha

Julia:

omg

cake

shit

CAKEEEEE

id if i can’t make a drukn cake

Aspen:

nooooo you’ll burn yourself

Julia:

hang on

i have to rwrpa a present first

ok

hang on

Aspen:

ok

um

should you do that right now?

Julia:

YES

caues

tomoorrow

i have rehearsal

then my parense will be here

when i get out

so i have to do it beofore they get hre

…

😕

😦

Aspen:

oh

Julia:

:

?

shit

😕

NO

😕

no

Aspen:

bahahaha

Julia:

yes

ok

there

we’re good

Aspen:

lolol wow

Julia:

hang on

OMG I’m GONNA MAKE A CAKE

SHIT

Aspen:

OMG

don’t kill yourself

Julia:

no

its goonna be sooo bggoooo

)

good

🙂

shit

i cant type

CAN

type

i swear

Aspen:

hhahhahahha you are my hero

Julia:

no.

speastne <—–I just have to comment that this has to be the BEST misspelling of my name ever!

Remember the classic computer game Oregon Trail? I’m not talking about the high class, fancy one of today’s child; with its simulated and personalized characters milling about in a computer generated three-dimensional world. No, I’m talking about the old school Oregon Trail. And by ‘old school’ I mean OLD school. The original: its black screen and white, pixelated font resembling more of a coding program or Windows’ Command Prompt box than an actual game. In fact the only evidence of it even being a game were the horribly low-def graphics, which I believe amounted to a highly pixelated wagon whose wheels rotated endlessly across the neon green outline of the American ‘landscape’…

This one!!!!!

Not this one....

And no...not this one either!!!!

Eh hem…as I was saying…

So I was stumbling the other night (as usual) and I came across an online game that greatly imitated the original Oregon Trail; except it was the “Zombie Trail”….

Well…I missed that little “Zombie” memo when I first started playing…

So I was asked who I wanted to bring along on my expedition; and through the very “random” selection of the last 4 people whose texts I’d saved on my phone, I typed in “Julia”, “Colin”, “Ren”, and much to my dismay “Joe” (I almost skipped his name because honestly who wants his name to ruin a perfectly enjoyable game?)

It didn’t take long for me to figure out it was a zombie apocalyptic version of the beloved game. In fact it became incredibly apparent when the word box came up informing me that “Joe had been bitten by a Zombie”. I was beginning to find this game more and more amusing by the minute…

Unfortunately these games are not very realistic. I say this because my options for the next course of action after receiving the memo did not include “Dump Joe by the side of the road and leave him to fend for himself”. No, we had to drag his dead-weight Old Lady self along for another 350 miles before he died. By the time we were finally rid of him, Ren had been bitten (I blame Joe) and infected with both the T-virus and the G-virus (Again I blame Joe)…which….I really don’t know what either of those are, but apparently they are pretty bad because Ren died maybe 20 miles later.

You should be happy to note that you were never bitten by a zombie!!

Aside from the Old Lady, Colin was the biggest bitch of the group. He broke his leg at least twice and caused the group to stop and rest for 12-hour increments so that he could recoup enough to continue.

I think you broke your arm at one point, but I’d like to believe that was while doing something heroic like dragging Colin’s body away from the Zombie mosh-pit and to the safety of the station-wagon. That said…you didn’t make it to Oregon. In a cave just beyond Salt Lake City, I held your lifeless body in my arms, sobbing hysterically as dysentery stole your final breath.

I think I’ve decided to get you one of these shirts for chirstmas:

Yay Christmas!!!

So there Colin and I were in the middle of freakin’ Utah, I had just lost you and was pretty torn up about it…when a “large horde of zombies” appeared and I was informed that they were “ravenous”. So…I was like “fuck that shit”….and about to click “Roll down windows and attempt to mow down the mass” with the 1384 bullets I had left in stock…which would probably result in them overtaking the car and my brains being ingested by Rocky Mountain hicks…so either this realization or the realization that my decision effected both my life and that of Colin’s….I decided to “wait and see if the crowd disperses”. Apparently it’s a well known fact that zombies can go from being “ravenous” to “docile” in a matter of a few minutes. So…we managed to then “sneak on past the large docile group of zombies”. And after that it was pretty much easy sailing to Oregon….except when we ran out of fuel…40 miles away from the finish line…I honestly don’t recall how I came up with the two gallons of fuel that got us there….I imagine prostitution was probably involved. But Colin and I made it.

I’d really like to know what was in Oregon that would save us from the Zombie Apocalypse, but…oh well…

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed my story…it’s 7am, and I haven’t slept yet….I’m going to try and sleep for a few hours I think…

Ok this has probably been done before. YOU”VE probably done this before….I KNOW my mom has done similar things with Kahlua and baileys… but Amaretto over vanilla ice cream/frozen yogurt….IS HEAVEN…seriously, try it. SO SO GOOD!