Exploring Antarctica, Or Being in Seal Porn at the World's Bottom

8.26.2013

By Clark Harding

Clark Harding, Out Traveler's resident adventurer, recounts his journey to Antarctica (with his mom!) in the first-part of a series.

The King Penguins were totally into it…

“Uncle! Uncle!” I cried. I was held to the ground; face down, ass up as usual. But this time the safety word wasn’t working. A gigantic Weaner had flopped on to my arm and pinned me. I squirmed, but it was no use, I was stuck.

“Oh you are just disgusting,” said my Mother condescendingly. The penguins looked up at her, annoyed for disrupting the show. “Look at you, all covered in goo!” I blushed, this was not a position I ever wanted my Mom to catch me in.

“Blech!” she said, walking off down the icy beach, leaving me trapped with this hairy, smelly thing. I lay there motionless with my face in the sand. The penguins stared like this was some kind of porno.

“What are you looking at?” I yelled.

“Juvenile elephant seals are referred to as ‘Weaners,’ because they’ve just been weaned by their mothers,” a South African expedition leader tells me. “So they are very affectionate, and they often just fall asleep on you.”

That’s great information, I thought, but it doesn’t exactly help me does it. WHAM! Another Weaner flopped on to my back, pinning the rest of my body. I always wanted to be popular, but this was ridiculous. “Um… I’m kind of getting ganged here!” I wailed. The penguins got really excited. I continued to lay there, pondering my exit strategy and wondering why I came to Antarctica in the first place.