I saw him across the parking lot of Starbuck's. Two blah dates and an unreturned call flashed through my mind, and I immediately became enraptured by the contents of my trunk. But alas, destiny was to have the upper hand, and when I ducked into Ralph's as an extra measure, he was approaching. Like the ghosts that duck through those infuriating tunnels and corner Pacman, it was a lost cause and I had only to crumple up and die. I was cornered near the Coinstar machine, ziploc full of change in hand, my ear to my phone checking messages. He was going to play it like he didn't recognize me, but he did. I knew he did. [He hadn't seen me duck him at Jury Duty a few months back - that time I brushed my hair over my face and bent over searching through my purse] This time, I knew I had been spotted. I knew I was the non-caller, which gave him higher moral standing on the dating scale? I think. Caught in the headlights, I pretended to be very involved with the silence in between my phone saying "you have NO - NEW - MESSAGES!", and, without slowing my pace, wiggled my fingers at him.

A wave.

This wave was more than a him-me thing. It was the universal gesture of the auto-fail. It was Simon's smile before dismissing an American Idol contestant. The rolling of eyes at your friends after dismissing a lame guy who you'd seen working his way down the line of ladies at the bar.

I don't like to think of the Auto-Fail as a judgmental instrument. Rather, it is a sincere screening device for settling what you can and can not stand for, and, the way I see it, a tool to spare everyone involved some serious amounts of wasted time.

Often, people will just say "we didn't click". Or "there's just NO chemistry" with us. What is the formula, you may ask? (Or the guy who has just been dissed for the 2040299402th time may ask. I'm not saying you're him. Let's just say it's an example). The formula is personal. It is the formulaic result of data collected from people you've dated, people you wish you'd dated, people your friends dated, the girl at dinner next to you in the ugly jacket, movies, books... all of it. I believe your brain quickly snaps through the possibilities and your human limitations, and spits out a 'yes' or 'no' fortune. It's not super high-tech, but it happens and we do it every time we walk by someone on the street. "Scruffy shoes". Boom. Autofail. "Blowing by panhandler without eye contact or donation." Boom. Autofail. "Deep blue shirt under suit." Meep meep. *Come here, baby*

My formula involves bans on bouffant hairdos, mandals, a guy who slips in the door before me, proud declaration of bowel movements and other illustrious bodily functions, cheesy tattoos, and halitosis. Some may call this shallow, but hey, there are guys out there who won't kick it to a non-blonde or a girl who breaks a sweat at the height requirement signs at Magic Mountain. All's fair in love and war.

But. There's always a but, isn't there? (Unless you don't like butts. Which, again, is your prerogative.) In compiling this little list of my auto-fails, I realized that I have let repeat offenders through the door. More than that, I've nearly fallen for composites of things I didn't want. And the 'nearly' came after the autofail had, well, failed.

So.

I'm learning a lot as I grow up. I've definitely espoused the belief in the past that "ohmigod, he likes that song TOO! What a SIGN!" I thought that the more you were like someone, the more random little interests you shared, the more it was meant to be. And I found that it was easy to focus on those little similarities and find comfort in them when, on a much larger moral scale, we were totally from differing planets. I used to think if a guy liked the same songs, it would be worth trying it out. Then I realized that when you love the same song, one person can love it for the lyrics and another is so caught up in the tune that they didn't even notice the words. Where does that leave you?

Now I wonder if it's possible that I'll fall in love with someone who can't dance for shit, hates sushi, only reads if the phone rings and he needs to click 'closed caption' on The Man Show (on "Girls on Trampolines"... just in case), and can speak about the Bush Jr. presidency without a wave of nausea washing over him.

Yin and yang. Day and Night. Opposites attract. Destiny. Fate. The perfect pair.

Sometimes I think that maybe I'm the sock that didn't make it out of the dryer.

But as for Auto-Fail? The happiest I've been is when it was on the fritz. Maybe I can handle the mandals.

It's been a long week. One of those weeks that feels like a year. On a roadtrip. Sitting bitch. With the a/c out. Listening to Hootie and the Blowfish on staticky radio.

But I'm back. I have a sore throat. This appears to be to the benefit of my neighbors, who will no longer hear my shower operetta. At least not this week.

While I haven't been writing much, I have been thinking alot. Not in the way that, when you're caught napping, you go "My eyes are closed because I'm *thinking*". For real thinking. Pondering. About "working to live" vs. "living to work". About friendship and how you gauge how much time/effort you're going to put into getting to know someone. About the appropriate length for a flirtatious email. About forgiveness and persistence in the face of cumulative signs that something (or someone) isn't right for you. About how a silly game of football is the pinpoint upon which the most powerful nation in the world rests for exactly 4 hours per annum. And about how to best develop my triceps (suggestions are appreciated).

2004 has been pretty entertaining so far. I find myself making grossly inappropriate decisions that I know Lilly would never have made a year ago. As my bank account steadily approaches zero, I booked a ticket to visit Paris. I did this, quite simply, because I feel like speaking French and taking lots of black and white photographs, even if they are on an automatic camera. It makes no sense and it goes against every grain of what I've ever been taught, particularly with my job hanging (dangling?) in the balance. But I'm finding more freedom in living in the moment this past month than I have in the entire past 26 years of my life.

I've always been raised to gogogogogogogo. I've been watching my sister be the one to gogogogogogo for the last month (big ups to susie g.- take a trip around the corner to www.boygirlparty.com). There's this immense relief in not being the go-getter. In watching my sibling be the one to bring home exciting news and pride in her accomplishments. I have been revelling in my backseat position these past few weeks (ok, all of you - heads OUT of the gutter!). I get to have that amazing feeling of being proud of (her) accomplishments and - get this! - I don't have to do ANYTHING!

Besides my general lack of drive to do anything except knit scarves and watch reality television, I find my new attitude filling my brain like smoke seeping through from under the door. I have proof positive that I'm getting dumber, and I'm exploring this new (or just acknowledged?) spacey-ness with the same excitement that I'd try on new shoes or a funky pair of earrings. I'm attitude-accessorizing, if you will.

The other day I had two episodes of blatant stupidity; moments where I played Chrissy Snow to the world's Janet. And I LOVED them, because it felt so **normal**. You can't always be smart. You can't always be 'together'. You can't always have a map for the next 5 years of your life sketched out. I had always thought these things so necessary to my happiness, and yet I found myself unhappy.

When you take the pressure of attempts at perfection out of every moment of your waking life, you notice that you're actually breathing. You notice the sun rise and set, not as the imposing parameters of what you can get done in the day, but as a pretty gift you get on a daily basis, you ungrateful shit! :) Now when a piece of my life seems like it's unraveling, I either deal with it, or laugh about it and put it away for another day when I have the energy to deal with bullshit. I don't lose my head over it. I don't obsess. Because it's just life, after all.

For my next act, I will attempt to bottle this attitude.

"Life is a tragedy to those who feel, and a comedy to those who think."
-someone, as quoted to me by my Mom