Religious groups welcome move, but threaten they will still prefer killing innocent people if someone hurts their sentiments

If you are a boyfriend who is fed up of saying “sorry” to end fights, irrespective of who was at fault, well, you have legal aid coming soon.

Disturbed by the trend of breakups outnumbering romantic relationships, the Government has decided to pass a bill rendering “causing any sort of emotional harm to a human being” a criminal offence. Not only romantic “boy-girl” affairs, such a law would also help in saving girls from the harms of befriending other girls, as well as all other interpersonal relationships prone to emotional hurt, emotional blackmail, etc.

Although the Bill mentions “any emotional hurt to any human being”, one of its clauses provides immunity to “members of a) Ruling party, or, of b) Congress, from being sued under this law”. Also, if one attempts to violate this clause, there can be serious consequences: “Any person attempting to accuse the Ruling party or Congress will be deemed to have himself caused emotional hurt to that party, and so will have to face prosecution.” Insiders suggest this clause was included to rebuff Mamata Banerjee’s attempts for vengeance.

If any human being (including “dogs” and “bitches”)—your friend, girlfriend, spouse, siblings, etc. hurt you, the procedure for filing a complaint would be as difficult simple as filing an FIR. You’d just have to go to the nearby police station and file the complaint, following which the accused would be taken into custody at once, and will be released if and only if proven innocent. Lawyers around the country have started working tirelessly night and day to find some loopholes in the current provisions of the Bill for their clients to exploit.

Hurt emotionally? File a case nearby.

Mixed response from youngsters: School and college students have varying opinions about Government’s latest gimmick responsible move. We interviewed some of them. Aditya Kumar, of Modern School, Barakhamba Road, seemed elated. “This is exactly what I needed. Now I can just report my girlfriend’s misdemeanour, instead of wasting time talking to her to sort out the situation and ultimately say ‘sorry’. With the power of the efficient Indian law system on my side, let’s see how anything can get in the way of us having a long and joyful relationship!”

Deepa Sinha, of Delhi Public School, Vasant Kunj, is firmly against the idea. “This has to be the most asinine thing I’ve ever heard of in my life. What’s next? Blanket ban on Facebook and Twitter to decrease the instances of rapes?” Our reporter recounts a man standing nearby subsequently whipping out his mobile and excitedly conversing with Mamata Banerjee about “another brilliant idea to curb rapes.” Mahim Yadav, a 3rd year Mechanical Engineering student of IIT Delhi, was indifferent; and simply returned a perplexed gaze when we asked him whether he had a girlfriend.

Rahul Gandhi justifies the idea: “India has become really westernized. Nowadays every adolescent wants to be in relationships,” remarked Rahul Gandhi, the man claiming to be behind the idea. “Keeping this in mind, a bill allowing for legal action in case of emotional hurt will soon be passed, ensuring us a vote bank the welfare of the young generation, by allowing relationship disputes to be settled in court.” Followed by this, he reportedly turned towards his lackeys and began bragging about “yet another successful venture”.

Parents frown: There is great dissent among the parents regarding this proposal, as their children are threatening to misuse the rule against them. The most common threat pertains to being fed insipid green vegetables. One kid frantically trying to control his sobbing lamented, “Mom said that the vegetable was tasty. It wasn’t. I trusted her,” and subsequently burst into tears. However, the proposal has indeed managed to put a leash on the domineering wives and husbands for now.

Religious groups: Certain religious groups have confided to NTMN, on the condition of anonymity, that even if the law is on their side now, they will still prefer blowing up embassies and doing riots and burning trains and uprooting mosques and defacing cinema halls, if someone hurts their sentiments.

Channel [V] alarmed, cancels shows: Channel [V] India has been hit hard by the news. It has cancelled further production of all its dating shows, in fear of legal controversies that may follow from the clashes between the paid actors participants, making them lose out on 23 and a half hours of air-time per day. On the other hand, this bill seems to have benefitted Bindass, which is now planning to start a new channel just for Emotional Atyachar.

In possibly related news, Raghu Ram and Rajiv Laxman of MTV Roadies fame have reportedly gone underground. Their whereabouts are currently unknown. Meanwhile, Ramdev Baba is seen sporting an eye-patch nowadays, in order to make sure he does not ‘emotionally hurt’ his supporters by winking. Also, in a revolutionary move, 14th February is being renamed as ‘Emotional hurt day’ to commemorate the resolution of the legendary bill.

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