Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Please stop talking, I can't take it.

(Names were changed to protect the innocent. And by innocent I mean
if for some unexplainable reason someone I know ever stumbles upon my
blog and reads it, then I can't be sued or held responsible for my words
or actions. Except my family that I can just run away from. I mean,
what are they gonna get if they sue me? A half of a Powerade and some
leg warmers? Because that's about it. This all went down yesterday. There was so much laughing that I almost fell out of my chair. It was hilarious. Maybe you just had to be there.)

Susi: Why are Billy, Nick, Charles and Sven at The Naked Monkey? Dani: How do you know that
they're at The Naked Monkey? Susi: Because Nick just checked in on Facebook and tagged the rest of them. Me: Am I the only one that's
extremely uncomfortable with y'all using their names and naked in the
same sentence? (Ignoring me) Dani: Eww, what do you think they're
getting waxed there? Me: I bet it's not their heads. Dani: I bet it's
their butts. What do you wanna bet? Susi: I bet it's their backs. Dani: Yeah, Charles is a pretty hairy guy. Me: Do either one of y'all really
wanna ask them about their butts? Or waxing for that matter? (Ignoring
me, again) Susi: It's cause of those books Billy's been reading by that
woman. Me: Aren't those books specifically written for women? Susi: Probably, but he's real excited about this girl. He got his teeth
cleaned and everything. Me: His teeth cleaned? Susi: Yeah. Dani: Specifically for that purpose? Susi: Yep. Me: Ummm....why? Susi: Cause
he wanted to be fancy. Dani: Fancy?! Susi: Yeah. Me: You do realize what
you just said, right?

****Five minutes later****

Me: Dani, have you ever been to one of those waxing places like The Naked Monkey? Dani: I used to get my hair done in a place that did waxing, but I never got one. Me: That just sounds so incredibly painful....and kind
of embarrassing. Dani: Oh, those girls are not at all embarrassed to talk
about it. They walk in and are all- "I'm here for my Brazilian." And
then the people behind the desk start asking them all these questions
like- "Do you want inside the crack done" and "Do you want a shape or a
little left". And they are not quiet about it either. Me: You leaned in
closer to hear the answer didn't you? Dani: Of course I did, I'm not
crazy. What would you have done? Me: Of course I would've leaned in to
hear, I'm not crazy. Susi: Why would you wanna hear all of that? (Me and Dani just looked at each other and then laughed.)

****A few more minutes later****

Susi: I
wonder if there's an update on their whereabouts. Dani: You could
always check it out to see. Me: Do y'all really wanna know if they are
in fact getting their bits waxed? Dani: Their bits waxed? Me: Yeah,
their bits. Do you have a better word for it when it comes to them? Dani: Nope, bits works. Susi: Why would they have their biz waxed? Dani: Biz waxed? Susi: Yeah, biz waxed. You know like "mind your own biz
wax". Dani: That's beeswax. Mind your own beeswax, not biz wax. Why
would someone mind their own biz wax? What does that even mean? Susi: What does mind your own beeswax mean? That doesn't make since either. Dani: True. But do you really think they're getting waxed? Like you
know, their stuff. Susi: I don't know. Me: I know this time it's my
fault, but I gotta say- "I am terribly uncomfortable with the way this
conversation has turned".

****After work (in the car)****

Momma: How was work today? Me: Terribly uncomfortable. Momma: Really? Why? Me: (Tells entire story about The Naked Monkey and the guys involved.) See what I mean? Momma: I get it now. James: (In a British accent) What's wrong with her? Momma: Here, I'll put it on speakerphone and she can tell you. Me: (Tells the whole story again, while describing the guys involved.) James: Well, that sounds horrible. (Rambles on and on, blahblahblah). (Momma and James start having a conversation about me.) Me: Hey! Sitting right here. Mind you're business. James, have you found me Jude Law yet? James: No, I haven't. Me: Well, you need to get on it buddy. Momma: You have Jude Law on the mind lately. Me: i'd have jude law on more than just my mind if james would get on it. momma: katherine diane! me: I'm just playing. I can make jokes too, you know....I'm not kidding James find him. Immediately. It's raining. James: What does Jude Law have to do with rain? They are completely unrelated. Me: Because if I'm going to be made to endure this rainy/dreary weather, I should at least be able to be cuddled up on the couch watching movies. Drinking. With Jude Law. In England. James: **incoherent laughing** Momma: I freaking' love you. Me: I love you. And James. But mostly Jude Law. Seriously James, get on it.

If you mustache me a question, go for it.

Chances are, I'm gonna show up in boots.

No doubt about it.

Tayder thinks I'm an embarrassing kind of mom.

I enjoy dressing in camo and wearing antlers.

I have a soft spot for gingers.

And I know everybody thinks their dog is the cutest.... but mine really is.

I was born on the 13th and tell people it was a Friday (it was really a Tuesday).

I love sharing "throwbacks" because they crack me up.

If it ain't Mario Bros on the Nintendo, I give up.

The only marathon I need or want.... like ever.

Sometimes I make random ass collages.... just because.

Remember being seventeen?!

Yeah, it wasn't as great as what you remember it being.

If Lizzy Caplan isn't one of your heroes, you should reevaluate that.

My family has just pretty much given up on me to stop saying f*ck.

They've also given up on trying to get me to wear "normal" pants.

I watch WAY too many true crime documentaries.

The first crush I ever remember having was on Christian Slater... followed by Bruce Campbell.

I have very strange travel destinations in mind.

Told you my hair and face was insane. (Also, booze).

Enjoy your time here.

I just wanted y'all to know that Charlie Kelly is my spirit animal.

If your picture is here.... my bad, homie.

IJTLFAT claims no credit for most of the images posted on this site unless they are blurry and sometimes in questionable taste cell phone pictures of random shit from my actual phone or they're from my past excursions..... something like that. Images on this blog are copyright to their respectful owners. If there is an image appearing on this blog that belongs to you and you do not wish for it appear on this sarcastic, but also sometimes serious blog, please email with a link to said image and it will be promptly removed. And before you even ask, yes, I'm really sorry about it.

If you've made it this far on my blog.... I commend you.

I should also probably apologize for my excessive use of the word f*ck, calling people bitch more often than not, and for talking about literally nothing to the point that it could melt brains. However, I apologize for none of it. BECAUSE I DO WHAT I WANT. Except for the picture notice that's above this. I totally meant that.