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We had the hardest two months, I’ve had to cater to everyone else but Him. I’ve not been given that time to make sure my Masters needs have all been properly taken care of, my heart’s desire.

Time apart is really weighing on me, I feel a disconnect in the distance. I’ve been as patient as can be. I try to hold it all in, but it’s eating me alive.

What I desire, me in slave position before Him, Him doing that deep breath of approval ,His hand on my head which tells me He’s happy with His slave.

I do get to serve Him. Breakfast nearly every morning, it pleases me to do so. But I miss so much being before Him. It’s something He and I share on the deepest level. It only has meaning to us. I tear up as it has been non existent since everyone else became important. He let the balance be this so I could help one of the children til His life was back on track. It’s coming along, but not fast enough for me.

I long to be at His feet, my place of honor as I’m His. Eyes closed, I breathe in the sweet air around us, bask in the love He emits from Him to me, and back again. He will say in a whisper, ” what a beautiful sight it is to behold”.

I need it, with everything in me, I need that. The more disconnect I feel, the more I am sad. How does a slave balance putting all first? She doesn’t, not without her Master showing her the balance. I need Him, now. I long for Him, He’s not there. My soul calls to Him, I need Him to hear it and come to me

I’m no good on my own, for what is a slave without a Master? Nothing. What is a Master without a slave? Empty. They must move together, breathe together, balance each other. Her put Him back in His spot as her object of all delight, so she may serve from her heart. He must accept all the love and care she’s giving, and put her back as His object of desire.

Out of balance will not be good for long, only the Master may lead them both back together. He knows the way, He created it. This is His world they exist in, she is His loyal subject, His queen, His goddess, His desire. He is her everything as well. What a most beautiful thing as they feel this for each other…

Where is my Master, as my soul calls to Him. Fill me with the love I desire. Heal my soul. Let me serve. I need no words, I just need your heart near mine, my love. To be in your presence. I crave this.

Pain… In our lifestyle it’s a foreground. We know most of us fall into 1 or 2 categories, love to give pain (sadists), love to accept pain ( masochists).

After reading some new articles in a popular psychology magazine, I’ve gained new insight from the articles as to how healthy our lifestyle really is.

Our lifestyle let’s us go with our own flow. We pick where we fit in, being dominant or submissive and everything in between. You’re accepted for who you are. And let’s add this to, respected. Could that be any better? You get to find someone who has the lifestyle in common with you, but you will try to find someone you are in perfect balance with. Of course this makes those relationships deeper, we have opened ourselves up to each other and are exposed. We both must trust that we can be ourselves, and then you include, another deepest level of connection between two ppl.

OK, the lifestyle is not always perfect. But it works! You can find what you need here, even if only someone’s play partner.

Let’s look at the lifestyle deeper. I have a friend who is a psychologist. She swears there’s nothing better than our lifestyle, which she practices in bedroom only! To be able to ask for what you need. Yes, we are supposed to have a trusted person in our life ,and this goes both ways. My Master sometimes ‘needs’ to just give pain. It’s cathartic for Him, you can see it coursing through His veins. Since I’m His slave I do as I’m told. Even though I would have anyway. I ‘need’ pain. It’s quite cathartic for me as well. For me, it clears my mind, stress goes bye bye, I can think again! It’s great. I should ask for pain more, but when your dominant is also a sadist ( be careful what you wish for!) If He asks if I need some extra pain, all He’s gonna hear is: ” I’m good! I’m doing so good, but thanks for thinking of me” Lol. The funny thing is He knows when I’m really unhappy, and I need something. I want to shop, drink, fuck. But I really need His guiding hand to just give me pain. Only my sadist loves me to beg for it. That gets Him going, the thoughts rush in of what He’d like to do to me, before I know it He’s got me bent over the side of the bed, or anything nearby, giving me pain, fucking me from behind, and beaming with pride cuz I’m a hot teary mess. Granted, once He’s done I’ll be in His strong arms being cared for and loved, but in that moment,love looks different.

That’s what the world sees. Violence. But what you see as violence, I need, I crave, I desire. I feel closer to Him at that time since He’s giving me what I need, what I asked for. He will even push my limits, sometimes take away my choice, punish me. The trust in that moment is amazing, I have to trust He can and will give me what I need without harming me permanently, or killing me, or crushing me emotionally. He trusts me to give Him my body to do with as He chooses, to serve,put Him first. All I see in this is the beauty of it. The world doesn’t see what we see.

There is something to be said for working out your inner demons, even things you’re scared of. A good dominant will not let you stay in that frame of mind, even if they don’t own you but do care about others in our world, they may just help you through your darkness. I’ve seen it plenty of times.

For instance, in a class that Dominants and submissives were taking, the man running the class asked all subs ” Are you stuck anywhere?”. We all knew what that meant. An older woman, a slave, raised her hand. She explained that she and her Master had been together for many years, they had a beautiful life together, four kids and some grandkids. Her life was to serve, that was up until the moment he died. In a way she died, as in she just stopped. There was no Master to guide her, or even release her. The whole room felt that pain. Four ,long time Masters/highly respected in the community, stood up and went to her. They all vowed to guide her through her menagerie of feelings. Check on her, and get her to a place emotionally and physically that she could be released. It took alittle over a year, but that’s what this lifestyle is really about. It’s not sex, that’s the icing on the cake. But when vanilla ppl visit our world to dip their toe into the bdsm pool, or just visit after reading a certain/seeing those movies, do they even spend any real time here to grasp any of this? Probably not. Just here for the sex. But there’s so much more.

I used to teach subs and slaves, i could tell without any doubt who really wanted this lifestyle. For those who wasted my time, I taught them red flags and told them to be very cautious, because no self respecting dominant would want someone not serious, so only those who were pretend dominants would want them. I was right Everytime. These subs and slaves would get angry with me when these men were to rough, harmed them, or even raped them. I warned them. But they chose not to heed the advice. Am I at fault? No. If you wanted dirty sex, even bad ppl know to come here. But don’t you dare blame the lifestyle. We didn’t harm you, we accepted you, just as you are. We tried to help you, you didn’t want help. This lifestyle is no joke for those of us who need it, crave it. This is how I live each and everyday, there is no vanilla anything for me. Maybe at work, in front of relatives or kids, but that’s about it.

When will the world ever see the beauty in who we are, how we live… Maybe never.

There’s absolutely more to say on this subject, but for now I’ll close.

So, yesterday sucked really bad, but I got some downtime, I got to feel sorry for myself and just cry. Acceptance is where I’m at now, I don’t have to like it, it won’t change, but I’m doing my best to accept it. I’m working on that.

Daddy, was wonderful. He knew it hurt, and He let me have some time. He held me and loved me through it. He’s actually the one who’s helped me the most in my life.

I used to stay stuck on things I couldn’t accept or change. Now I’m more able to have some time, and process and start moving on. Plus there’s nothing on earth like being held all night by the man you love, and process He loves you just as much. I’ve never had that, not one day, before Him that is. It’s still new to me.
I like how He is with me. He never said ‘just get over it, it doesn’t matter’. Daddy let me feel. I’m so thankful. I’ve never had anyone quite like Him in my life. I’m such a lucky Babygirl! Last night I was full one Babygirl, and He was perfect! Totally perfect!

I’m spending the rest of my life with this man! I’ll just baby Him, I’m sure He won’t mind!

I don’t know that I believe in soulmates, thst has always sounded ridiculous to me. But I do believe in a strong connection to another person that can’t be explained. This is how I feel about Daddy. I’m connected on a level that I can’t quite explain. I don’t get bored, I just want more of Him. I feel lonely, sad when He’s gone from my side. I look forward to time together, texts, phone calls, apparently I just light up when it’s Him! So I’ve been told, lol. I think I act just the same, but someone notices, usually those who know me best.

So, what happens to me? I really don’t know. Before He ever walks out the door I start to miss Him. I have thought about tying Him up so He has to stay, but the downside is at some point He’s gonna get free and my ass will hurt beyond anything He’s ever done.

This new feeling came upon me only recently, after meeting his daughter. This feeling has left me puzzled. I’ve told it to all my girlfriends, no one knows what it is. Guess it’s just me then. But I feel this complete feeling. Granted I have one more child of Daddys to meet. But it’s as if that is what was missing this whole time. I’m glad we took our time, I don’t rush! Plus I’ve screwed up so many times that I don’t go fast. Once He met my kids I felt a shift, closer to Him. But now I don’t feel a shift, I feel like all the puzzle pieces fit. It’s complete.

What happened here? That feeling came about from just meeting His child? I can say this is the happiest I have ever felt in my entire life. That feeling goes deep. I’m really liking that, I’ve never had it. So, I don’t fully understand it yet. But I’ve never , ever felt complete before. I’ve been in relationships where it’s like I’m still looking. Was never sure what I was looking for. In this relationship with Daddy I’m not looking, I noticed once we started seeing each other, that hasn’t changed. No desire to play in another yard, my grass is very green! This feeling is so strong.

My girls tell me to stop analyzing, I can’t this is how I am, overanalyze everything. With this new feeling of completeness I’m puzzled, a bit nervous, but enjoying it. I guess I like it and don’t want it to end.

Have I finally found the man of my dreams, my knight in shining armor, oops I mean leather! True loves kiss! And all the crap, I mean other things Disney has talked/write about for years? No wonder I scoffed, never felt like this before.

My next question… Does He feel it too? Or is this just me. To afraid to ask and find out. What if’s are not my thing, I’ll ask at a different time. Right now, I’m just gonna enjoy the feeling. Wow! Where did it come from? Does everyone know about this feeling? How many ppl actually get to feel like this in their life? Will the feeling end? ( I hope not) Do couples share this feeling? ( I have no idea). See, analyzing!

I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best. ~ Marilyn Monroe