Thursday, November 10, 2016

Analysts Confirm that the Trump Administration Will be the First in US History to Achieve and Surpass a 40% Score on the DHO Probability Factor.

The was quite a furore this
week when the statistical forecasting department of the Hardgraves Institute of
Political Studies published its findings on the DHO Probability Factor of the
executive branch of the next US government. Randy Jeffers, a spokesman for the
institute was confident that the results of the study, although surprising,
were in fact accurate.

“We obtained all of the
numeric components from tried and trusted sources and the algorithms have been
triple checked. So, what we have here is a very fairly-assessed and reliable
predictive model.” assured Jeffers.

The DHO, which calculates the
statistical probability of finding a dead hooker in the Oval Office, was first
established during the presidency of Theodore Roosevelt and has been used by
every administration throughout the twentieth century to gauge the potential workload
of the Chief of Staff.

When contacted, a staffer
from the Trump campaign told us that this result was just a foretaste of all
the milestones that this administration was going to achieve “It also shows
that this time around, we got a REAL man in the Oval Office, knowhtimean?” the
staffer, who wished to remain anonymous, added with an overt wink. He also went
on to say that the study conclusively proves that the hands president-elect are
in fact, big and strong enough to theoretically strangle a fully grown woman.

So, the current DHO Ranking
of US presidents now looks as follows:

US PRESIDENT (ELECT)

DHO PROBABILITY FACTOR

1.Donald
Trump

41.3%

2.George
W. Bush

31.6%*

3.John
F. Kennedy

28.1%

4.Warren
Harding

24.7%

5.Bill
Clinton

17.5%

6.Eleanor
Roosevelt

7,2%

*This
only contemplates the probability of Dick Cheney playing a Halloween prank.

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Some Day All Laws Will Be Made This Way

So let me get this straight - in the US,
suspected terrorists are not allowed to fly on commercial planes but are
allowed to purchase assault rifles over the counter. What a wonderful and
sensible application of the law. In fact, I reckon that the upper and lower
houses should implement a whole series of laws in the same spirit as this jewel
of judicial rationale:

May I take the liberty to suggest a few?

Convicted pedophiles should not under any
circumstances be allowed to come within one hundred yards of public schools BUT
they should not be prevented from becoming foster parents.

Arsonists should not under any circumstances be
allowed to light barbecues in their own back yards BUT should not be prevented
from purchasing flamethrowers as long as they don’t cross state lines with
them.

Voyeurs
should not under any circumstances be allowed into public swimming pools BUT
they should not be prevented from working for the NSA or the TWA.

People who have been prosecuted for fiscal
fraud or misappropriation of funds should not be allowed to work in the finance
departments of any corporate entity BUT should not be prevented from working on
the financing of electoral campaigns.

Men accused of assault or domestic violence
should receive barring orders from their wives and not be allowed to associate
with any vulnerable members of society or potential victims BUT should not be
prevented from joining the Minutemen.

Inspectors working for the Securities and
Exchange Commission should not under any circumstances receive payment from any
banking or trading firm that they are investigating BUT should not be prevented
from getting hired by that same firm immediately after said investigation has
been concluded.

..you know, it’s quite depressing when you start out writing something as a piece of satire and then realize that most of it is
actually true.

Utterly Useless Ponderings.....

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Arizona: 9-Year Old Girl Accidentally Kills Her Shooting Instructor with an UZI.

I've discussed this issue in depth with my friends over the web and the feeling is that, since we're talking about the state of Arizona here and not Texas, it's quite unlikely that the 9-year old girl will be given the lethal injection.

Then Lung the Elder incisively pointed out that the girl isn't actually from the state of Arizona but was only there on a visit. In that case, she will probably be declared an 'unlawful combatant' and get sent to Guantánamo without a trial.