I accidentally watched The Woman a few years back not knowing that it was in fact a sequel to Offspring. I didn’t really like The Woman all that much, but I decided to go back anyway and check out Offspring to see how I felt about it.

Offspring is the story of a family who is terrorized by a clan of cannibal inbred killers who have remained unnoticed in the Northeast since the 1850s. It’s about that…for 80 minutes. And it’s a long 80 minutes.

Seriously, I’m going to try and remain positive, but this thing was awful. Okay…good things: I like the concept. It would be really interesting to dive into what makes this group stay together and how they were created. Instead, they terrorize a bunch of people for over an hour. People we don’t really get enough time to know. People that we aren’t all that interested in.

The flaws are plenty. The villains feel like mindless monsters and aren’t strong enough to make me not mind that the leads are so bland. There’s no plot for the entirety of the film. There’s the attempt at a subplot with an ex-husband who is apparently a monster, but it’s overplayed and uninteresting.

Offspring is just rather bland. There’s nothing here that I’ll truly take away, and this time next year, I’d be hard-pressed to be able to relate any of the plot details. Except that it has a sequel. One that isn’t so great.