The Right Gift at the Wrong Door

Ray Boden was just pulling into the parking lot when his phone buzzed with a text message from his wife, Monica:

ups tracking says your xmas present was delivered!

Monica loved internet tracking. She followed the progress of online orders across the country with the interest of a sports fan tracking fantasy football stats. Ray stuffed the phone back in his pocket, grabbed the bag of groceries from the back seat, and slipped out of the car, his shoulders hunched against a bitterly cold wind that had just blown into town that afternoon, Ray scurried across the parking lot to his apartment. Sure enough, right in front of his door was a box in the familiar pink and orange of BargainJungle.com.

Inside, he dropped the box in a chair by the door and rushed over to the thermostat to turn up the heat. He set the grocery bag on the counter of the tiny kitchen and went back toward the front door. Ray unwound the chunky scarf from around his neck. The package was about a foot long and just thick enough to be difficult to grab with one hand. A pair of shoes was a likely possibility. He pulled out his phone to reply to Monica:

yep its here. should i open it?

Back in the kitchen, he set his phone on the counter and started to put away the groceries. In minutes, the phone was buzzing with Monica's reply:

go ahead! working late but i want to try it out with you tonight. get ready!

Ray shrugged to himself, put the orange juice into the refrigerator door shelf, and went to the front room to retrieve the package. It wasn't heavy enough for shoes after all, he decided. Maybe one shoe? Or possibly fuzzy slippers. With a steak knife from the block on the counter he sliced open the heavy packing tape and pulled open the box.

What he saw was decidedly not footwear. There was a second box inside, smaller than the first. It was boldly labeled "Love Rider Dual Action Harness" with a glossy photograph of a naked woman. Her long, dark hair was flirtatiously tossed over one shoulder and she was looking into the camera with a smoldering expression. Ray felt relieved for a moment that Monica wasn't at home - she would not be happy with him for looking at that! Then he noticed the woman in the photo wasn't entirely naked. Something was attached to her crotch area with black straps. It looked like ... yes, it was a large, purple phallus.

"What the fuck," he mumbled. He dropped the box on the kitchen table and backed out of the room. He stood dumbfounded for a moment scratching his head and beginning to doubt his senses. He must have been mistaken. Surely he hadn't seen what he thought he saw. He rushed back to the kitchen and looked again. Nope, he was right the first time. There she was: her makeup impeccable, her hair long and glossy, and her simulated cock thrust bravely out in front of her.

Ray had never known Monica to be a practical joker. He wasn't aware of any particular sense of humor on her part at all, actually. But this had to be a joke. Didn't it? It just didn't make sense. What had she said? She wanted to "try it out with you" tonight? He quickly grabbed his phone and thumbed a message:

what the fuck monica are you crazy?!

Just as quickly, he deleted the message and started over. He took several deep breaths. This was definitely not worth pissing her off. No, he needed to be a little circumspect.

i didn't realize you were into this sort of thing

He was still in the kitchen five minutes later, watching the elegant, nude woman flirtatiously model her purple penis when Monica replied:

oh yeah. back in college all the time. with girls and guys. i think you'll like it!

"Are you serious?" he wheezed. Why had he never heard about this before? He and Monica had been married for twelve years. Ray thought he knew her fairly well, but there were clearly large gaps in his understanding.

He reached down to adjust the crotch of his pants and realized that he had a very stiff erection. How long had that been there? Was he actually aroused?! Well, the woman on the box was quite attractive. He'd been enjoying her breasts, as perky and prominent (and likely as fake) as the penis between her legs, for upwards of fifteen minutes. That's all it was.

He certainly hadn't developed a hardon from contemplating being bent over and penetrated. No, that idea needed to be nipped in the bud. Monica couldn't be upset with him for having certain reservations with the idea. Could she? He cautiously tapped out another message:

i don't think this is for me. college was a long time ago. for both of us.

Ray felt quite satisfied with the text. It had a calm, reasonable tone that he was just sure Monica would respect. She may not drop the issue entirely, but he had definitely bought himself some time. Then her reply arrived:

don't be a baby about it. you can at least give it a try.

"Damnit," he mumbled to himself. Once Monica set her mind on something, there was just no talking to her. She did have a point, though. He hadn't given the idea much of a chance. What was he actually dealing with here? Ray pushed a finger underneath the flap of the sex toy box and peeled it back. The top of the box gave way with a rip, neatly severing the head of the well-endowed model in the picture. "Sorry," he whispered.

Maybe it wasn't actually that big, he hoped. It might just seem larger in the photo because it's so startling to see attached to a petite, feminine body. The real thing might just be the size of his finger. He peered into the box and immediately saw the purple dildo. It was shrink-wrapped and taped to the side of the box. It was exceptionally purple. But mostly it was much, much larger than his finger.

He tore it out of place and peeled away the shrink wrap. The simulated cock had a smooth, rubbery texture that Ray found comforting somehow. But there was no getting around the fact that the thing was substantial. He was able to close his hand around the thick shaft, but just barely. It was considerably larger than Ray's own cock - although said member was straining valiantly to compete. Was Monica trying to tell him something? Was she unsatisfied by his manly dimensions?

Ray quickly went to the kitchen window and closed the blinds. Then he went to the living room, shut the blinds there, and flopped down on the sofa with the rubbery phallus in one hand. His cock had been aching for release for some time, so Ray decided to oblige. He hastily unbuckled his belt, raised his hips up off the sofa, and slid his Dockers down to his knees. His manhood sprung free and stood at attention. The tip was already glistening with precum. Ray sighed audibly as his left hand gently caressed the taut skin of his erection. No, he finally decided. If Monica thought his dick was insufficient she wouldn't beat around the bush. She'd just come right out and say so.

He sat that way for several minutes, gently stroking himself with one hand while unconsciously duplicating the motions with the other hand on the dildo. He wasn't pushing himself toward ejaculation, just trying to build up his courage. Soon Ray turned his attention to the purple sex toy and its considerable girth for a moment. How was this going to work?! "Only one way to find out," he shrugged.

With is pants still around his ankles, Ray lay down on the sofa and flipped over onto his stomach. He reached behind himself with one arm and poked the dildo around his ass crack until he located the spot. Squeezing his eyes shut and gritting his teeth, Ray shoved the artificial cock into himself.

"Son of a bitch!" his asshole felt like is was being split open! He immediately pulled the dildo out and angrily tossed it aside. This was not going to work! What the hell was he even thinking?! He pulled up his pants and stalked out of the room.

no. just no. this is not going to happen.

He punched the send button and pulled a bottle of beer out of the fridge. Ray let Monica have her way in most things, but this was going too far. He just had to draw the line.

what is your problem?!?! stop being ridiculous!! i am thru arguing about this.

"Oh, shit," he moaned, "oh shit, oh shit." She was mad. Not just the usual take-off-your-dirty-shoes mad, but really, sincerely pissed off. This was apparently a much bigger deal to her than he realized. There was only one thing to do. Hopefully he hadn't already passed the point of no return on this.

yes dear

Ray sat down heavily at the kitchen table. Why was Monica never satisfied with anything? Their apartment was too small, so Ray constantly pulled overtime to save for a down payment on a house. His taste in music was too out-of-date, so Ray sold his record collection on eBay. Now apparently, their ordinary sex was too ordinary, so Monica felt compelled to introduce this purple monster and take matters into her own hands. Ray was beginning to feel like he couldn't do anything right.

He took a long drink from his beer and sat looking at the now headless woman on the box. "What's your advice, here?" he pleaded with the picture. He could practically hear Monica's voice. You can't even do this without messing it up? In frustration, Ray punched at the Bargain Jungle box and sent it sliding across the kitchen table. It disappeared over the edge and fell to the floor with a dull thud. He heard a softer thunk and then a small, plastic bottle was rolling across the floor. It stopped just in front of Ray, the black and white label proclaiming "Slick Bitch Anal Lube."

"Oh," he said to himself. "That's a good idea."

Back in the living room, Ray applied a liberal dollop of the clear fluid to the bulging purple head of the big dildo. He rubbed his hands up and down the thick shaft, covering it with glistening lubricant. As he stroked the artificial cock, his own real cock was responding, so Ray wriggled out of his khaki pants and grasped himself with a hand still slick with lube.

"Mmmm," he moaned and squeezed his member tighter. He could feel it throb against his grip. Now was the time, he knew.

Again lying on his stomach, Ray reached behind and slid the tip of the dildo down his crack. Slick with lube, the point of the cock easily slipped into him. Nonetheless, it got thicker in a hurry and, although Ray was moving much more slowly this time, he soon felt too much pain to continue.

He set the dildo aside and noticed that his hand was covered in the slippery lubricant. Why not start small, he thought. With index finger extended, he reached back again and slid the slippery digit down his ass crack. When his fingertip reached the soft, sensitive flesh of his sphincter he pushed it inside. It entered easily, but he could feel the tight muscles grip his finger all around. Could he open wider?

HIs middle finger was also coated with lubricant, so he pushed that inside as well. There was a disagreeable strain as his asshole stretched to accommodate the additional finger, but he took several deep breaths and held his hand steady. Ray closed his eyes and focused on relaxing his tense muscles.

He felt utterly daring! His whole life he had been the same quiet, dull Ray Boden. He didn't know what he was now - naked on the sofa with two fingers up his ass - but it was not dull. Even better, the pain had eased and he was fitting two fingers easily. Maybe the purple monster was going to fit after all!

With a slurp, he pulled out of himself and grabbed the dildo. Ray slowly worked the big shaft into his crevice. He paused with just the tip splitting his asshole and forced his tense muscles to relax. "Easy does it," he panted.

When he felt some of the tension release he gently eased the dildo forward. He felt a twinge of pain as the thickest part of the big cock head stretched his sphincter, but with a small lurch the head was inside and the pain was gone. He felt a tremendous fullness that was uncomfortable, but not necessarily painful.

Mostly he felt a certain sense of accomplishment. He hadn't really believed it was possible, but that oversized purple dick was actually inside his asshole! It wasn't something he was going to post to Facebook, but it was a small personal victory all the same.

He gently applied more pressure and the dildo easily slipped deeper. Three, then four inches disappeared into his ass. He met almost no resistance as he slowly pulled it back out, until the fat head started to apply pressure to his tight sphincter. It seemed like it was going to hurt more coming out than it did going in. Might as well leave it in there, he decided and rocked his hips to accept the cock deeper into him.

Ray felt a thrill of pleasure as his own cock, which was pinned underneath of him, rubbed against the soft fabric of the sofa. He rocked his hips back and forth to grind his sensitive erection into the cushions. At the same time, his asshole slid up and down on the thick rod in his hand. His breath became ragged and he knew he was going to cum soon.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door! Shit! Ray yanked the dildo out of his ass and tried to stand up. Ouch! It did hurt more coming out! He didn't have much time to brood over the pain, however, because his feet tangled in the Dockers around his ankles and he fell sprawling to the floor.

Swearing under his breath, Ray pulled up his pants and scrambled to his feet. He found the dropped dildo and sprinted to the kitchen. There he crawled under the table to grab the Bargain Jungle box, threw the sex toy box and the purple penis inside, and looked around frantically for somewhere to stash them. Finally he settled on the oven and shoved the box inside and closed the door with a slam.

He hurried to the front door and threw it open, too late realizing that the bottle of Slick Bitch Anal Lube was still sitting on the coffee table in his living room. Dammit! He'd just have to hope the visitor didn't notice.

"Can I help..." and Ray's voice caught in his throat. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen! Ray recognized her as the girl in the apartment next door. He had seen her around the complex many times and knew that she was a tall, blonde knockout. Up close, however, she was absolutely stunning. Her long platinum blond hair shone like silk, her golden skin was smooth and flawless, and her icy blue eyes were so pale they seemed to glow.

"Do you know Monica Boden?" she asked in a clipped, professional tone.

"Thank you," the girl glided past Ray and into the apartment. Ray guessed she might be around his height in bare feet, but with the stiletto heels on her knee-high boots she was half a head taller than him.

"I'm really sorry," she held up a box she had been carrying. He immediately recognized the familiar pink and orange of a Bargain Jungle shipping box. "This was delivered to my apartment by mistake. I didn't realize at first, so I ... well ... I sort-of opened it."

"A yoga mat!" Ray took the box and looked inside. Things started to click into place. Monica wasn't trying to pressure him into anal sex - she was pressuring him into learning yoga. "That makes a lot more sense."

"More sense than what? Did you," the girl narrowed her piercing blue eyes, "happen to receive a package addressed to me?"

"Uhhhh."

"Oh, my God!" her eyes widened. "You opened it, didn't you?"

"Ummm."

"Listen," she resumed her clipped, professional demeanor. "I would really appreciate it if you didn't mention this to anybody. I will just take my .... package ... and we can forget all about the whole incident. Ok?"

"Well, I'd rather ... ," Ray sputtered. "That is to say, i would be happy to ..."

"Do you still have it?"

"No," he answered. "Well, sort of. I can pay you back!"

"Wait," she cocked an eyebrow. A smile began to peek around the edge of her lips. "Did you use it?"

"I'm sorry," Ray looked at his shoes and shuffled uncertainly. "I didn't check the address label. I could order you a replacement. Or cash if you'd rather ... "

She took two quick steps closer to Ray and halted his clumsy apology with a single, well-manicured finger gently laid across his lips. She was close enough that he could smell her perfume - not flowery and sweet like Monica's but spicy and exotic. He looked up and met her gaze. Her pale blue eyes were like the winter sky reflected in a frozen pond. He was unable to look away. "Did you use it?" she whispered.

Ray nodded. He was mortified! He wanted to launch into his apology all over again, but she pinned his lips with her dainty finger. Finally she backed away slightly. "Show me," she said in a breathy voice.

"Ok," Ray croaked. With effort, he tore his eyes away from hers and shuffled to the kitchen. The Bargain Jungle box was still in the oven where he'd left it. He pulled it out and checked the address label - sure enough the recipient was "Teagan Quaintrelle" in apartment 22. Why hadn't he noticed that before?

He sheepishly carried the box back to the living room. The girl was lounging on the sofa with one long leg crossed over the other. "So you're Teagan?" he asked.

"Yes," she turned to look at him.

"I'm Ray," he told her. "Pleased to meet you."

"I'm pleased to meet you, Ray," the smile was sneaking onto her lovely face once again. "But I'm dying to know what you did."

"Well, you know ... I just ... you know ... I put the-the dildo into my ...." he trailed off when he saw Teagan shaking her head.

"No, don't tell me," she insisted. "Show me."

"Ok," he whimpered and set the box on the table. Without looking away from Teagan's pale blue eyes, he unbuttoned his pants and, for the third time in an hour, dropped them to the floor. When he pulled the purple dildo out of the box, he saw Teagan lick her full, soft lips and lean forward in anticipation.

"I just put it like this," he turned his back toward her and positioned the sex toy between his ass cheeks. With a gentle push he shoved the toy into his anus. It went in easier the second time, Ray was relieved to discover. The fat head was through his sphincter before he even realized. "Then I pushed it in like that."

"Then what?" she asked eagerly.

"That's all," Ray looked over his shoulder and saw the gorgeous girl gazing at his plastic filled ass. "That's when you knocked."

"Put it in further," Teagan urged him. Without a second thought, Ray slid the fake cock deeper into his ass. Teagan had uncrossed her legs and he watched one delicate hand creep into her crotch. She was getting turned on! He was turning her on! In his entire life, a girl that beautiful had never even noticed him. Now there was one masturbating on his sofa!

He was so intently watching the girl watch him, that he had inserted nearly the entire length of the giant dildo into himself before he realized. Barely an inch of thick shaft protruded from his stretched asshole. Damn! Was there room for that entire thing in his body?

"Oh, yes," Teagan moaned as if reading his thoughts, "Take it all, baby." Needing no more encouragement than that, Ray immediately shoved the remaining length into his straining anus with a soft grunt. He gently slid the sex toy out, stopping when he felt the thick tip tugging at his tight opening. He bent over further and slowly pulled the dildo in and out of his stretched asshole. He could hear Teagan's panting behind him, urging him on.

When he turned, he saw she had shed her sweater and bra. Her body was amazing! Full, round breasts and a taut, lean midsection. One hand was aggressively tugging at one perfect nipple and the other was down the front of her jeans. He wondered if she would let him play with those glorious breasts. Was that allowed in this sort of situation? Ray was unsure.