The Truth About Men

1) All men are vain2) All men are arrogant3) Most men are stupidand 4) Man’s greatest fear is that women is figure out just how scared they are of them.

So let’s go through these one-by-one.

First, when women get up in the morning they will look at themselves in the bathroom mirror and think: “Oh my god, I look like a disaster area. This will take me hours to put right.” Men, on the other hand, wake up in the morning, look at themselves in the mirror and – bar a major hangover – declare: “Hot damn, does anyone ever look as good as me in the morning?” And this despite all protestations to the contrary from anyone else.

Second, not only do men think this about themselves but they cannot quite understand how it is the rest of the world fails to register this simple fact as clearly as they do. They cannot grasp that not every woman, as soon as she sees him, instantly wants to have sex with him. He gets that social graces prevent this from happening on most occasions but, he figures, secretly they all want me. And when a woman, any woman, fails to fall for his charms then clearly, and without question, the only reason for that is that she must be a lesbian. After all, that just stands to reason, right? By the same token, gay men, too, self-evidently want to have sex with him at the slightest provocation and only his own rampant heterosexuality prevents this from happening. But secretly, he knows, they all want him which is why he has to be extremely careful in their company just in case his pheromones are playing tricks on him and giving off the wrong signals.

Third, while most men believe this of themselves a few are enlightened enough to have realized the truth. But only a few. The problem with women is that their default position is that ALL men are stupid when this is clearly not the case and women that refuse to accept this are themselves guilty of rank stupidity.

But men’s stupidity is relatively easy to spot. For instance, despite being hopelessly lost they will refuse to ask anyone how to get to their desired destination. Somehow both asking for help and an inability to read a map are deemed ‘unmanly’ and therefore to be avoided at all costs. Or ask any man to put up a shelf and he will set about the task with gusto despite having zero carpentry skills under the presumption that since his father could do it then this talent must have been passed on in the genes. The reality is that his father probably couldn’t and those shelves stayed pinned to the wall on nothing more than a wing-and-a-prayer. But, again, getting a professional in to do the job would be seen as ‘unmanly’.

And all this adds up to the secret fear that all men keep buried inside them: That women will work out that they are pretty useless at most things. And worst of all, if women ever did figure this out they would feel bereft of any sense of purpose. For millennia men have been told that they are stronger, smarter and it is their duty to rule. The fact that all societies, throughout the world, operate much better when women hold the purse-strings does not enter into this consideration.

For women the answer is relatively simple: Waiting for a man to pluck up enough courage to ask you out is foolish. He is desperately afraid that you will say no and then trample all over his fragile ego. So just ask him.

And if a man, any man, is spending time around you but hasn’t asked you out do not assume either that he is gay or just wants to be friends. No, he wants to have sex with you but is too scared that you’ll say no and crush him. Does he arrange to have his coffee breaks and lunch breaks when you do? Does he delay his departure from work to get the same bus as you or walk to your respective cars at the same time? Then he wants to have sex with you. Don’t go around saying: “I had no idea!” – wake up. The only male this will not apply to is your brother. So now you know.

And speaking of knowing, here’s something else you might want to bear in mind. Men have three topics of conversation: Cars, sports and women. Now, obviously it isn’t true that that’s all men talk about away from their women but they will almost certainly only move onto those subjects when they have absolutely exhausted these three. So if you actually want to make yourself as attractive as possible to your potential mate, then try and learn the basics about cars and sports. Any man will think he has struck the jackpot if he finds a woman he is dating can actually hold a conversation about these golden subjects.

OK, given this information any woman who fails to be able to manipulate her chosen man into doing precisely what she wants – within a reasonable time-frame – clearly hasn’t been paying enough attention. Go back to the beginning and read it all again. You have been warned.