The beginning is near

It’s hard to believe that it’s been almost 10 months since i said i wanted a divorce. So much has happened in that time, both good and bad. And now it’s the final stretch. We have a final hearing date. Although, I don’t expect the divorce to be final that day. He’s going to fight me on some things. Big things. And i’m terrified. I’m simply not strong enough to deal with his vindictiveness.

In the past couple of weeks we’ve had to put our beloved dog to sleep, our dirty laundry was aired on the front page of the local paper, i started taking anti-depressant/anxiety meds again, and got an IUD just as my sex life dried up. ha.

I’m a hot mess.

Fortunately, I’ve been blessed to meet some really great people along this horrible journey. I’ve also made much deeper and meaningful connections with some friends and family. I honestly don’t know where i would be without each of these people in my life.

But it’s still hard.

I’m trying so hard to be a grown up. And make good decisions. And be strong. And be a good mom. And yet i feel myself getting swallowed up in anxiety. The other day i drove 25 miles in the wrong direction – had no fucking clue. For 25 miles. I can’t remember shit to save my life. I’m confused. Simple words escape me. And now, in the last week or so, i find myself out of breath for nogoddamnreason. I’ll just be laying in bed or whatever and suddenly i feel like i can’t breathe. i just can’t get a breath of fresh air. That shit scares me. And i don’t want to tell anyone because i don’t want my soon-to-be-ex to use it against me. Claim that i’m unfit or unwell enough to care for our son. I need to shut this shit down. How to do that, i don’t have a fucking clue. Half of my hair is gone. It’s so thin now. My ponytail used to be so heavy that it would give me a headache. Now i have to wrap the band around 4 or 5 times to get it tight enough to stay.

Nobody tells you how lonely you’ll be. Fuck. That might be the hardest part. The other stuff like figuring out how to support yourself and keep a roof over yours and your baby’s head and food in your bellies is tough, but workable. The notion that you’re going to be forever alone, unwanted, that’s tough. And there is no action, or plan. You simply can’t make people like you, want you, love you.

Some days are better than others. I’m normally a pretty upbeat and positive person. A problem solver. Nothing’s impossible. Love to make others laugh.

And some days i can’t get off the couch. This past weekend, i realized my son was wearing the same pajamas on saturday that i put on him thursday night. That’s simply unacceptable. I need to pull myself together and deal with my life. Like the grown ass woman i am.

My friends are the bestest. I have 2 really really great friends that i trust my entire heart and soul with. My girlfriend i’ve known for years. She knows everything about me and is such a caring and thoughtful person. My guyfriend i’ve only known a few months but it feels like years. He’s travelled a similar journey and is in a similar situation so his perspective is invaluable. He’s a really great guy and so sweet and caring. These 2 people are my lifeboats, whether they know it or not. I’m so incredibly grateful to have them in my life.

I guess one good thing that has happened from all of this is that i’ve learned to open up and trust others. I was always a very reserved and private person. Keeping my business and my feelings to myself. That hasn’t served me well. Life becomes so much more meaningful when you have others to share it with.

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Published by theamericandream

Here I am. Just a silly country girl who thought she knew it all. Got married when I was 21 to my high school sweetheart. Was living the "american dream" until about a year or so ago when everything just started unraveling. From the outside looking in, we are perfect. We have a beautiful home in the country, our wonderful family lives as close as next door and as far away as 7 miles. Our family is very close. We have strict morals and values that are indisputable. Our families are very involved in the church and the community. We drive nice vehicles and have good jobs. In fact, my husband owns his own company. But, nobody knows. Nobody knows the pain of not being able to conceive our long-awaited first child. Nobody knows the pain of going to fertility specialists and getting tests and tests and tests and not getting answers. Nobody knows the grief of never getting two pink lines at the end of the month. Nobody understands the need to distract that pain with "things" and food and working. Nobody knows the consequences of covering our pain and the mountains of debt and debilitating physical health we've incurred. Nobody knows.
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