Last night you allowed me to make an ass of myself in front of all of my friends.You should know more than most that I am a huge and very devout fan of yours.I spend many days of my life preaching about how I don’t believe that Jesus ever existed and how life after death is a made up fictional fairytale to keep people doing good in the world.For just once, I wanted to show my friends how wonderful and mighty and graceful you are and how much of a fraud “God” is.And what did you do?You did nothing.

I hereby wish to break all ties with you.I am through attending your church.The pastor did a subpar job anyway.I am not going to send my children to your church, either.I am going to find my own church.I think I will call it the Reformed Church of Satan.Yes, I think that is a great idea.I am going to fund the church by setting up false charities because I know that works really well.

Also it was really cold last night.Satan, we can still be friends if you just come back to me.I needed somebody to keep me warm last night but all I had was Timmy.Timmy does not radiate the flames of hell.It just isn’t the same.Please write back.I have enclosed all my loving to you.Sorry this letter wasn’t as formal as I intended for it to be.My innermost feelings for you get the best of me sometimes.