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For this article, I feel something of a hypocrite – I actually like the idea of in-game holidays. However, its getting a little predictable. These days, all they consist of are various city decorations, while players run around talking to NPCs in those various cities, then going to some in-the-middle-of-nowhere location to talk to an NPC. For what? More useless trinkets that just clutter up our bank, more useless Holiday Costumes that people wear for Five Minutes then clutter up our bank, Reputation with factions that Reputation doesn’t do anything with, and a Stamina Buff. How about some NEW holidays?

The Parade of Begrudgingly Forced Tolerance

Everybody dance, NOW! Due to recent events in the media, some sort of queerish, Night Elf-like fever has struck the land of Azeroth, and it is fabulous. The harsh discriminations and social mores that once plagued the land, have mysteriously been washed away with the recent rain of men, falling from the sky.

This is a week of self-discovery and experimentation that promises to be as politically correct as it is extremely awkward. So don't just stand there, go and partake in some of the curiosities you and your fellow players have to offer - we can't stop you!

Love without Consequence - For the duration of the week, Disease effects are no longer transmissible between players. All raid encounters that consist of the same gender of players (or at least players willing to pretend) will be granted a special stamina/spell resist buff, however one unlucky player will be considerably "gimped" for the duration of the dungeon.

Harass a Game Master - Recent concessions by Blizzard indicate that no discrimination of ANY SORT will be tolerated among its employees. Want to let everyone in General Chat in on your personal cock size? Don't let us oppress you - go ahead! Tell that Pick Up Group to go sodomize his grandmother's catheter hole - it's your orientation AND birthright. In addition, all faction leaders in major cities will grant powerful new abilities, if they witness your public displays of faggotry in game.

Glorious Bender's Fashion Hole - A new NPC ambigious goblin, Bender, has set up shop in Booty Bay, with an assortment of colorful clothing that is simply to die for. In addition, if you are brave enough to perform the "Operation Barrel of Surprise" quest line, he might just perform a special operation on you!

An Actuaries Respite

Turmoil and chaos have effected all walks of life, and the toils of war are becoming detrimental to the very frail fabric that binds the factions together. While the varying governments work diligently to patch this rich tapestry, you might find everyday expectations failing to be met.

Remember the Forgotten - For the duration of the holiday, the only working instances will be Shadowfang Keep and Blackfathom Depths. Yes, these are actual dungeons that exist in World of Warcraft already.

Stealing is Wrong - The corpses of your vanquished foes may occasionally be inaccessible, despite the glow of their various baubles and currency. In addition, some players might be struck with "The Curse of Chronos", which encumbers player to the point they remain forever slumped.

Fundamentals on Strike - For brief periods of the day (peak hours), all in-game Mail Delivery & Auction Houses will be unavailable. In addition, during these hours, if enough players chant their dissonance loud enough, they will infact herald the coming of a Server Restart in 15 Minutes. In addition, any idiot who makes the same lame "WTS: Lag" joke will have their character deleted.

The Hand of an Unjust God - Sometimes, for no reason whatsoever, four equal level Elite Soldiers will spawn on your location, and you will simply fucking die. Some more unfortunate players will be unable to resurrect for the remainder of the holiday. The fortunate will have their ghosts respawned in Theramore Graveyard Sometimes, for no reason whatsoever, four equal level Elite Dragons will spawn at that Graveyard, and your ghost will simply fucking die. At that point, who knows where you will show up? Probably the ocean with your terrible luck.

The Festival of Spotlights

Finally, your prayers have been heard, and the Light has answered. Powerful changes are occurring within the meekest of Azeroth, and formerly crippled players have ceased their tears of anguish to do battle, as forces to be reckoned with.

For the next three days, all character classes will receive powerful enhancements of which have never been seen, yet always spoken of. All players will log in to find that their avatars are absolutely perfect in their construction and design. However, all good things will not last - after the 72 period of balance and fairness, all powers will reverted back to the original, completely untested state they were designed with.

Secrets Revealed - In order to become as strong as possible, all character classes have been looking to their comrades for combat technique. The changes are nothing less than awe-striking: All paladins have been given Crusader Strike, Crusader Shock, and Frost Shock. Shamans have been given Vanish and Seal of Command. Priests have been given Death Coil. Druids have been given the Fire Talent Tree. Hunters have been given a second pet. Rogues have been given Mail Armor and Renew. Warriors have been given Shadowform and Frost Nova. Mages are all now Warlocks. Warlocks have been given a sly wink and a pat on the back.

All is Fair in Lovely War - Any character class can now kill any character class. Remember when we mentioned that this was possible before? Total bullshit. But we mean it this time - it all comes down to skill and dedication. Accordingly, we have designed a PvP rank system that will accurately judge a player's proficiency in combat - and penalize those who simply camp Battlegrounds to soak up the spoils of their comrades. There is also no more latency, free potions & engineering trinkets for all players to use, and rentable epic equipment players can use for a very, affordable fee.

These Crack Rocks Don't Smoke Themselves: Hell, while we are at it, free gold available at numerous Golden Waterfalls, scattered among popular Auction Houses in major cities. Epic mounts available for a /silly emote! +25% for Criticals and +100 Fire Resistance for all characters! Spell damage loot that has stamina on it, available from casual friendly instances! Free cake for everyone! It's not like we know anything about the game we designed and work tirelessly upon - clearly its you, the player-base that knows better! What could possibly go wrong?

Ugh, I need a vacation. If you want a postcard from whatever Sizzler I decide to holiday at, feel free to email me at abraham@somethingawful.com and I might just correspond with you. But if you think I'm actually bringing you back souvenirs, you are solely mistaken. Unlike Pantsfish, I don't have to resort to bribery to have my readers mail me. So mail me you crumb bums!

Traci Lords goes on a journey of vengeance and squibs while making the same stupid face constantly.

About This Column

"World of Warcraft" has been sucking in cash and fat peoples' souls like a Ghostbusters containment unit, so it only seemed appropriate that Something Awful start up a section devoted to such a noble game. The Art of Warcraft tackles all the hot button ingame issues, and much more!