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Pregnant

Late last year, we had a miscarriage and I blogged about it. In that entry, I said that the next time, I was going to share the news of a new pregnancy right off the bat, because, well, in the event that the pregnancy didn’t make it all the way through, I’d want to blog about it anyway.

And then Julie got pregnant again, but then she wasn’t after a few days, before got the chance to make an entry. A month later, and the same again. The truth is, over the last year, Julie has been pregnant more often than not. The first time, I didn’t blog about it because I didn’t get the chance. The next time though, I wanted to wait and see.

Julie is pregnant again. I am not announcing that with the confidence and certainty that I’d like to, but that’s because I am neither confident nor certain. Experience has shown me that early pregnancies don’t always pan out. In our case, it hasn’t panned out yet. Right now, we’re on week seven. We haven’t been this far along since the miscarriage in the fall. That experience really took it’s toll on us, so it’s hard to feel excited, because I know the more excited I feel, the harder it will be if things don’t go how I want them to. Still, I am very hopeful.

It’s an odd quandry. I decided I want to tell the world about the big news when it came a few months ago, and now it’s here. I don’t like keeping secrets at the best of times, let alone when it’s something big like this, something that I really want to happen. I want to process this experience with others. It’s in my thoughts all the time.

But you know what? I haven’t hardly told anyone. Last weekend I was in Vancouver, and I saw many of my nearest and dearest friends, and I didn’t mention it to anyone. I thought I was waiting for the perfect moment to mention it, but then I saw a few moments like that come and go in conversation, and I chose not to say anything.

For example, I had breakfast with my usual buddies on Sunday morning. I am very comfortable with these people, I’ve known everyone at that table for at least 8 years, and some for nearly 20. I was talking enthusiastically about my new apartment. Someone asked about what we’d do with the second bedroom. I said, “We might use it for a little one, if one comes along”. That’s where I could have mentioned that “little one” might already be on it’s way, but I didn’t. Instead that theoretical “little one” just hung in the silence for a little too long, then the subject changed.

Here’s why. It’s because I am ambivalent about our current pregnancy. I am totally excited and really want it to work. I am trying hard to put good vibes out there, and to have faith that good things can happen, that this time it all might work out. I am, at the same time, worn down. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs in this process, and while we’re hopeful, the end is not yet clearly in sight. After nearly a year on this rollercoaster, I am starting to get a little numb.

The few people I’ve told were aware of our miscarriage last fall, and so when I tell them we’re pregnant again, I can see that they are trying to figure out what to say. It’s a bit awkward. I can also see that they are trying to gauge where I am at, to pick up a hint as to how they should react. I think my ambivalence is apparent, and it makes an awkward situation more awkwarder.

So, now I am putting it out there. Read it as you will. Now it’s not a secret, and for me, that’s a relief. Whatever your persuasion is on things mystical or religous, any good thoughts aimed in our direction are appreciated.