From as far back as I can remember, I knew I was going to work when I grew up. Maybe it was all the time I spent listening to my parents fight about money. But I knew I never wanted to have to worry about it the way they did. I never wanted to depend on anyone financially. Thus I started a little lawn mowing business with my mom when I was 12 and started babysitting around that time as well. In high school I took a part time job at the local grocery store as a cashier.

So that was the deciding to work part. Not so much a decision, just knowing that it was always something I’d do. When I started getting all those young women lessons about getting married and having babies, they sort of got to me. Not that I didn’t plan on doing that as well. But it made me question who I was as a person. Because I have always felt that working and having a career was part of who I am. To not work, to stay home full time–that’s just never been *me*. But I started to feel like I was a bad person for wanting other things on top of husbands and babies.

I hate to say this, but those lessons nearly did me in. And feminist guilt is gonna kick in when I further admit that the only reason they didn’t was because of my future husband (who is totally awesome, btw).

I guess I should tell another part of the story before we get to that though. As we all know, different people have different talents. I wasn’t super pretty or funny or a great athlete or whatever. But school was my thing. Going back to, well, kindergarten-I’d always done well in school. It came quite naturally to me. When I was in 7th grade, my best friend tested out of 7th grade math in order to start algebra a year early. Naturally, being a 7th grade girl, I decided to try to test out, too. Ultimately BFF’s parents decided not to let her go ahead with it, but I wanted to anyway-for some weird reason I cannot recall. My guidance counselor warned against it, telling my mom I’d never get a boyfriend if I did it (I swear, I am not making this up. Also, I had my first kiss within a year of that propehcy, so Mrs. Guidance Counselor, you can bite me.) Actually, maybe I went ahead with it, just to spite her. (Yep, spiting people has always been a good motivator for me.) Anyway, that experience taught me to think of myself as smart. Not that I wasn’t beforehand. But it made me believe that I was, which is important for me as confidence isn’t really my thing. And because I thought I was smart, I thought I should do something that smart people do. (Remember, people, I was in 7th grade here. Try not to judge me too harshly) So when I saw Patch Adams later that year, I decided I wanted to be a doctor (and yes,as totally lame as that is, that is the story I told on my med school application about how I decided to go in to medicine.)

Flash forward a few years. I had a lot of conflict going on in my mind about being a doctor and being a mom. I decided to get my patriarchal blessing. Let God just tell me what I should do, right?

Spoiler alert: God did not mention one word to me about school or career or ANYTHING of that nature! I was pretty upset. How could He not care about something that I cared so much about? It was baffling and upsetting to me. Until I decided that maybe it was up to me? Maybe it didn’t matter what I chose-I could do whatever I wanted. And I felt pretty good about that idea. At least good enough to pursue a path that would allow me to attend medical school if that was what I ultimately decided to do. But I wasn’t 100% set on it.

Because I didn’t feel like it was a decision I could make on my own. I felt like my (as yet, undetermined and perhaps non existent) spouse should have some say in the decision. Which I now think is a ridiculous idea. But that is how and what I thought back then.

Fortunately, things worked out perfectly, given the place I was at and where I hoped to wind up. I began dating my husband my last year of college. He was extremely supportive of me pursuing medical school, so I did. The truth is though, had I not been dating anyone around that time, or if I’d met someone who’d been less supportive, I never would have done it.I couldn’t have made such a ‘radical’ decision (because, let’s face it, how many mormon women doctors do you know?) on my own. So I could never judge a woman who was in a similar position, for making a different choice.

So there’s the career decision. Enter motherhood. Once again, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I’ve always loved kids. I never even questioned the idea of having children. Note: I think we should teach our kids to at least question that decision. Not that I regret parenthood. But it’s SUCH a life changing path, there really should be more (some?) thought put in to it. My only question was when to have kids. If I had things to do over again, I’d probably have waited longer before I had my son. I had him at the end of my third year of medical school. Pretty much my worst idea ever-in case anyone else out there is thinking of doing the same thing. Hardest year of medical school + awful pregnancy=hell. But you live and you learn, right?

The other fun thing was that I wanted to take a year off of school to stay home with my son after he was born. This was my first kid, after all, and I had no idea what I was in for. I thought this request was a no brainer.

After all, one of my classmates said she wasn’t sure she still wanted to be a doctor and was given a year off to bar tend. Seems like taking care of a living breathing human baby would be at least as important as bar tending, right? Not so much. The Dean of my school (a woman!) told me she’d never in the 20+ years she’d been doing this job, been asked that request.

I had to fight for 9 months to get the time off. But it was so important to me to have that time with my son, that I literally would have dropped out of medical school to be with him. Luckily it worked out for me and it didn’t come down to that. But there are some crosses you’re willing to die on, and that was mine. The other bit of good that came out of that was that now any other female med student in good academic standing, may take a year off after having a baby at UTMB. Small victories.

When it came time to return to school, I was again really lucky. My son is happy and social and my best friend lived across the street. She took care of him my last year of school. And he loved it. If he’d been clingy and unhappy, or if I couldn’t find someone that I trusted to care for him, again, I would have quit. But again, I’m glad it didn’t come down to that.

The other thing that makes this all doable for me, is having a supportive husband. I’m currently in my third year of residency, and it’s been pretty grueling in terms of work hours. I’ve had a crazy schedule, working the equivalent of two full time jobs at odd hours including nights and weekends. He’s done way more than his fair share of the parenting and if not for him, this would not at all be a viable option. We make this work though because we know in the end it’ll pay off. I’ve got

18 months left and then I’ll get to pick a job that I LOVE with flexible hours that is well paid. And that’s what I’m gunning for.

What’s the moral of the story here? I’m not quite sure. I would never tell or push another woman to take the same path I have because it’s been incredibly difficult. And lonely. The truth is, this is a lonely path to take in most worlds, but especially in mormonism. While I understand where many women are coming from, having done the SAHM thing, not many get where I’m coming from. Even other working moms don’t quite comprehend what it is to be a mom in a medical residency program. And so I have often felt quite alone and left out.

The other thing is that there’s really no such thing as “having it all.” At least, not for me. Or not if that entails being the best in your field, working full time, and being the kind of mom I want to be.

I’ve made sacrifices on both ends which have left me overall satisfied. For me, having it all means working part time so I can spend the rest of my time with my son. I haven’t gotten there yet, but I will. And while it feels like I’ve been working my plan forever with not enough pay off, I’m sure if you ask me in 5 years if it was worth it, I’m going to say yes.

I would however encourage other women to get an education!! The most important thing is to have options. Not just in case your husband dies, but so you have options for yourself, to be fulfilled and do what you want with your life no matter where it takes you.

7 Comments

Thanks so much for your story Jessica. I just started a temporary research position that requires me to be away from my family 3 days a week. It was hard to make that choice, but I thought to myself, “Hey, people go to medical school and do residencies, people serve in the military, lots of people make these choices all of the time.” What is a amazing to me is that we don’t bat an eye if a Mormon man is in medical school. But if I decide to do research 3 days a week, people have more questions and concerns. I really admire you and other women for making it more normative for women to make these choices. Also, I applaud you for fighting for a year off from medical school. Sometimes it requires thinking outside of the box and fighting for things that aren’t presented as options in order to make things better for our families and for other families in the future. We don’t have to just accept programs and jobs and schools as they are, but can hopefully change them little by little.

I worked for years, and when I finally married and became a mother it was very hard to quit. I found being a SAHM very difficult. And my job(s) had not been that rewarding; I had simply believed that my life was more worthwhile with a job. After all, I had invested in a college degree (and beyond) and should see something from it.

I have since come to realize that “having a job” is very meaningless if it isn’t meaningful in some way, personal to *you*. After all, working can be as limiting as being a SAHM.

There are people who have employment that is creative, unique, individual and very much meaningful to them that doesn’t necessarily exclude having and nurturing a family (both men and women). There are people who have employment, because they believe that it makes them more important. There are SAHMs who are bored and who bore their children by living out other peoples’ scripts, and there are SAHMs who empower themselves and their children by, literally, having the home and family be a career, involving much more than vacuuming floors and opening cans.

Our current society is so artificial. If anyone/something/circumstances/events ever just “pulled the plug” on all the industrial complexes, where would all of *us* be? Probably to some extent back on a farm and doing it better this time around, so that nobody need be bored or ignored.

I am always sad to see this ‘battle’ reduced to being between SAHMs and non-SAHMs. It really should be a discussion about what to do in a completely synthetic culture and economy to battle the boredom and alienation and loneliness. It should be about how to take it to a place where everyone is happy and healthy, not just mothers (or fathers) and not just children, but everyone.

I do not anticipate employers/employees or professionals/laborers in either Zion or in the eternities. I do envision people (families especially) working together to provide for the needs of everyone. I don’t see any reason that *we* can’t at least dream of having that now. I know a family (not LDS) who worked and saved for years to buy a small farm. The mother is a certified nurse midwife and works in a nearby Amish community. The father had a regular ‘job’ for years. He now farms organically, and their nine children work with them. This was the family’s dream, all of them. When not delivering babies, the mother helps out with the animals and many large gardens. Even the married children and grandchildren are involved, because, as I said, it was the dream of the entire family for many years. They are some of the happiest people I have ever known. Sure, they had to work at it. The wife and mother had worked hard to become a CNM. They aren’t against formal education at all, but most of it has been done so that they can have their dream farm. It’s a wonderful place to visit. And I’ve never seen such happy people, all of them.

Thanks for the post! I’m a mormon-mom-physician too. I had my first kid during my 4th year of med school, second kid during residency, and third kid after 1 year in practice. I’m currently working 3 days a week, which is great, and hoping to cut down my hours a bit more once my husband finishes his schooling and gets a job.The hardest part in my medical training was the tension between motherhood and medicine–I spent way too much time feeling guilty and crying about not being home with my kids more. Now that I work part-time I feel very good about my contribution to the family and the world around me. I get to have a career where I benefit the lives of my patients, I make good money and am able to support the family while my husband pursues his education (he put his life plans on hold while I was in residency to take care of the kids). And on top of this, I feel like I have lots of time with my kids and am a good example to them. Sometimes it’s challenging to straddle the divide between “working mom” and “stay at home mom”, but I really do feel like I get to have the best of both worlds. I have absolutely no doubt that I was guided and directed in this path. Good luck to you in the rest of your residency!

Thanks, Bradeigh. It’s nice to hear from someone a little farther along than myself. You seem to have a nice balance- which I am envious of! But it also gives me hope for the future, that my idea of working part time isn’t just pie in the sky. So thanks for sharing!

I agree with Oldmother’s post–there are many issues at hand and I like the idea of finding overall fulfillment in whatever it is you are choosing. I like that your story, Jessica, tells of you taking a year off to stay home with your child, that your husband has been supportive. LDS or not, every woman physician I have talked with has attributed their ability to accomplish it all along with having children has been due to large amounts of family support, especially from their husband.

Hang in there! I am in my first year of practice and have an 8 month old girl. I work 4 days a week and love my life. There is always guilt and we are still figuring things out but the journey is worth it. The nice thing about medicine and other similar careers is that you can afford to out source a lot of life chores. We are still rebuilding our savings after all those years of training but once we have a better cushion I have no intention of using my precious family time cleaning the house or taking care of the yard! I plan to hire someone to do the things I don’t enjoy and that take me away from my little girl. I find myself looking forward to work after several days of being home and then looking forward to home after several days of work, it’s nice to go back and forth between the two. Good luck in your training.

This design is steller! You obviously know how to keep a reader
amused. Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start
my own blog (well, almost…HaHa!) Great job. I really loved what you had to
say, and more than that, how you presented it. Too cool!