I have continuing issues with my FILs at the moment (see: http://tinyurl.com/pok89ek), and I expect to have many more issues with them in the future.

Short Summary: FMIL insists that FH comes to the dinner by himself, without me tomorrow – which has been an on-going patter. I had previous traumatizing experience with the FILs, so a part of me does not want to go and deal with her, but FH wants me to come with him – and by all means, I would like to support my partner. But I’m debating on the benefits of each situation.

Long Story:

My FH cut off all communications with family since May of this year, because he could not handle or resolve the offensive negativity from his family regarding our relationship and marriage. He basically have been ignoring all phone calls and emails. He hasn’t visited his parents since May either.

However, when we sent out wedding invitations in early September, FH expressed that he still would like his parents to come to the wedding if possible. I suggested that he write a letter to them, so he included a hand written card with the invitation, expressing his regrets in the current situation and that he would still like for them to come to the wedding if possibe – and to give us addresses of the relatives in the U.S. so we can send them invitations as well.

FMIL sent ane mail to my FH saying that she received the invitation and that she wants to talk with him. Alone. FH was extremely disappointed in that the FMIL excluded me again, and replied to her email saying that he will meet her, but with me. She replied back, insisting that he come alone.

Here’s the dilemma I’m having in my mind.

FMIL never extended me an invitation to anything, whether it’s a holiday or family event. FH didn’t care, and brought me along anyways. However, she did ask multiple times for my FH to visit her alone, without me. Every time FH went home, they had a huge argument about our relationship, about me, etc.

Back in March, when we just got engaged and FH told his parents that we would like to drop by to say hi as an engaged couple, FMIL told FH to come alone because they had to “talk”. FH said no, we are engaged – said that he is sick and tired of his parents not seeing us as a single unit. FMIL and FH had huge argument over the phone (as usual), FH yelled that we are coming together before hanging up – and we went together. The experience was nightmareish (as you can read about in my previous post). After that visit, I had constant nightmares about my FILs (mostly FMIL), heard FMIL’s voice ringing in my head, and started to have panic attack whenever anyone mentioned my FILs.

I honestly don’t want to go through that traumatizing experience again. Who does?

But my poor FH does not want to see his mother by himself, primarily because he is aware of what will happen if and when he does – she’ll yell at him, demoralize him, and shred him to pieces after cursing me off. He also wants to be consistant with the “united front” behavior, and want to show his parents that he cannot be told what to do and that they cannot separate us.

I really don’t know what to do.

I have been simulating the dinner with the FMIL in my head many many times, and each scene gets worse and worse. But I do not want FH to go through it by himself (he obviously went through a lot alone while we were dating – I got to see what he was going through that one night I visited after getting engaged, and I just couldn’t imagine how he managed to remain sane through it!)

But a part of me also thinks that it may be more logical for FH to meet his mom alone this time – maybe she changed a bit while the communication was shut off the past 4 months. Maybe she has finally accepted the fact that the wedding is happening no matter what. Maybe my being there will ruin the silver lining of recovery. I don’t know.

Ignoring and not facing the FMIL is not an option, since we extended an invitation to them. If we refuse to meet her, then that means we lied to them about wanting them to be at the wedding – and I don’t want to fall back on our words.

Dinner has been scheduled for tomrorow. Last email was from FMIL that she wants to talk to FH alone. FH is planning on just showing up with me. What should I do???

@Redholix: It sounds like your FH is locked into his position that you are getting amrried and his family has to deal with it. My guess is that FMIL wants to have one last private conversation to try to talk him out of it. I think your FH’s behavior shows that he will defend you to his mother and that this final one-on-one conversation will likely be the end of it before the wedding. I would let him go alone and get this confrontation over with.

He’s right in that a united front is the only way to tackle this. Imagine two parents teaching their child. They always say united front, or they will pick at one at a time! She will shred him and its really not fair to him, especially because HE WANTS you there, that says everything to me!

She doesn’t sound like she has changed, is this not what she did before? Insisting he come alone so she can talk (read: shred to bits and demoralise and control) to him… Sounds like she is just mad that she can’t control her son and that you are getting in the way of her breaking you apart!

Go, present one front because you ARE one social unit and she needs to learn that.

Good luck op, remember the worst she can do is boycot your wedding = less stress for you!

@Redholix: I think your FI needs to say it’s either both of you, or he’s never meeting her. Your FMIL sounds like a nutcase. Regardless, I think it’s best for you as a couple to deal with this together. Your FMIL needs to respect her son’s decisions. Sorry you’re dealing with this. *HUGS*

I absolutely think you should go.The fact that she wants to exclude you all the time is pretty shitty. He’s right, you are a united front. Who cares if she wants to see him alone. You have every right to go. Good luck! 🙂

@Redholix: ok so obviously your FMIL is pissed about ‘losing’ her son and is extremely jealous of your relationship.

at least, that’s how your post reads to me. my FMIL was this way for the first couple of years of our relationship, but has slowly gotten over it.

my solution would be for him to write them back a logically- and not emotionally – written email, telling them that he has chosen you as his partner for life, and that they can either support or not support his decision. if they choose to not support his decision and cannot speak to the both of you in a cordial manner and calm setting, then he would prefer that they not come to the wedding at all. he can explain to them all the positive benefits of your relationship, etc., but truly, unless you’ve turned him into a druggie male prostitute, he doesn’t have to explain himself. he’s a grown man.

don’t let it get to you. to me, it truly sounds like a case of shallow jealousy and his mother wanting to pick his mate for him or have him without a mate at all. she sounds like a mess.

I feel that because this is his family and he is asking for support, this is one of those situations where you should defer to his wishes and accompany him. If you don’t go and somehow it comes up that you refused, that’s one more thing she has against you. He needs you to be there and I think regardless of what she says/does, it’s another way to show you’re not going anywhere.

I would go. Y’all need to stay as a united front and eventually, she will hopefully accept that y’all can’t be separated.

Also, I want to say, I think it’s really great that your FI is standing by you and refuses to do family stuff without you. I see too many posts on this site about women being upset with their SO for not standing up to his family.

The great thing is, your FI is putting YOU first! That’s exactly what should happen 🙂

@Redholix: I would not go. I’d let them have their one last talk alone. It sounds like they have serious issues to work out and that he will defend you. By going you almost feed into their game and drama. I’d stay out of their family drama as much as possible rather than stir it up more. Your fiancé sounds like he will have your best interests at heart and I can’t see a single benefit to you going. What good will it accomplish? If you two are united, you both know that, and he defends you as such, who cares what they think? I don’t think there is anything wrong with a person visiting their parents on their own. I think if you go that you may feed into the trouble and be treated poorly. What good will come from that? Let them have their silly fight and talk, and go get a pedicure, relax, and have a nice night instead. Once you are married then you can go even when uninvited and deal with the nonsense. There is no need for the chaos now.

I would absolutely not go, but then, I’m not one to go where I’m not wanted. If it were me, I’d encourage my FI to go alone and hear them out, because I trust that he would be my defender and not be swayed by any BS the in-laws spew out.

I agree with Glasgowbound, could you have the dinner at a restaurant so it’s out in public and ‘neutral’ grounds? I’m so sorry you guys have to deal with this, I kinda doubt that even with him not speaking to them for months that they’ve had a change of heart, unfortunately. Good luck!

I get the feeling that what happens next is going to define your future relationship- he’s set boundaries and now you guys need to let her know that those boundaries are here to stay or she’ll keep trying to walk all over you.

I would go with him, if it were me, if he wanted me to (and it sounds like he does want you there).

I think he just needs to come right out and say “No, I won’t be meeting you alone, Redholix and I are getting married and I know that when you ask to meet me alone, it’s because you want to undermine our relationship and I don’t appreciate it. We will come and visit you together or not at all.”

Then if she is a bitch while you’re visiting, I’d tell her where to go.

Sounds like your FI has your back! It’s nice to read a post like this one, rather than one about how he won’t stick up for you 🙂