October 31, 2011

10 costumes I happily Rejected for Halloween 2011:

1. slutty tutor. [this idea was given to me by my best friend and i initially thought it was a really good one. mainly i was going to wear lingerie with a cardigan and some bookish glasses. then i remembered who i am and how i would totally make fun of someone wearing anything like that. just because i am a tutor in real-life does not mean it makes the costume any better suited to me.]

2. slutty Playboy bunny. [this outfit is supposed to be slutty, so i think i am just listing it here because it went through my mind for a brief second before finding out a) it was already taken by a friend and b) remembering that, again, this is outside my personality box. time to hit the costume shop, pronto.]

3. slutty football referee. [what i really wanted to dress up as this year. i love football, girls in referee outfits are cute, and i figured it might even be semi comfortable. all these thoughts vanished when i set foot in the Halloween store to try on said outfit. let’s just say i wouldn’t have needed to bend over for anyone to guess the color of my referee panties.]

4. slutty Greek goddess. [second choice once i realized the ref idea was hopeless. i didn’t have any more time to try this one on so i had to make a second trip back. by the time i returned there was only one Greek goddess costume left. i asked the sales lady “isn’t there supposed to be material that drapes and looks like a sheet with this thing? where’s the fucking fabric??”]

5. slutty bumblebee. [so now i am thinking, hey the little girl in that Blind Melon music video was sort of cute. random maybe, but creatures like ladybugs and bumblebees seem to be well loved. then i went down that aisle to discover insects resembling strippers in Vegas. i began to giggle.]

6. slutty Princess Leia. [aisle #4. with the exception of the slavery scenes, i do not recall Princess Leia begin portrayed as promiscuous. i also do not recall her white dress being made of shiny spandex or having a slit up to the top of her thigh. my memory can be unreliable but i don’t think i’m senile.]

7. slutty German beer girl. [now i’m really racking my brain and i think, oh those beer girls with the lederhosen are sweet and they wear puffy sleeves and suspenders so there isn’t THAT much skin showing besides maybe a short skirt. hilarious that i was still having a logical thought process at this point.]

8. slutty candy corn witch. [i had absolutely no idea they had gone so far overboard until this week, but man was i tempted to buy it just out of sheer exhaustion. sexy candy? yeah nothing says “sexy” more than a costume the size of a child’s bathing suit combined with a huge candy corn witch hat on my head.]

9. slutty collegiate girl. [by now i am doubled over in a Burbank Halloween shop cackling and making faces. unfortunately, collegiate girl put an end to the fun and sobered me right up. it reminded me of Catholic schoolgirls and pedophiles and completely freaked me out. yuck. just got the heebie-jeebies again.]

10. slutty version of myself. [before finally choosing my Little Red Riding Hood costume, one additional fleeting thought crossed my mind. the most astounding idea of them all: hang out in Hollywood all night with nothing on but a choker and a pair of earrings. plus this would be 100% cost free. too bad i have a scrap of dignity still intact after all these years.]

October 25, 2011

10 awful Tattoo ideas I’ve entertained in my Past:

1. a penguin. [i went to college in NYC and found the Central Park Zoo to be a haven for me in times of stress and broke New York suffering. i especially felt connected and at peace with the penguins. doubt the tattoo would have looked or felt quite so meaningful.]

2. the same tattoo as a celebrity. [even though there are a few celebrities who have tattoos i admire (see Angelina above please), i don’t think anyone should ever copy a tattoo. unless you went and got tattooed together or you are married to that person or best friends or related or something extremely personal and shared. i think your choice of ink should be representative of self and copying a person i’ve never met seems quite foolish.]

3. The Fountainhead book cover. [my favorite book growing up and some of its characters are fascinating and inspiring. if you’ve seen the cover ~ the symbol of a man holding a sun ~ you’ll realize why this idea has been personally vetoed about 10 times. love the meaning but the image is a bit much.]

4. the Green Bay Packers logo. [a little green and gold symbol that would always remind me of Aaron Rodgers and the team that made a non-sports girl completely obsessed with football could be a sweet tribute. then i think about staring at the Packer logo on my ankle when i am 60 and something always holds me back. weird.]

5. Chinese symbols copied from my first love. [again with the copying thing so re-read #2 now. also, Chinese symbols that mean something to someone else? first love who has nothing to do with my life now? i don’t believe there is a single piece of this idea that has any intelligence to it. silly romantic notions from watching too many movies again.]

6. my grandmother’s name. [if the name Rosalie in cursive on my arm didn’t conjure images of girls in juvie, this would be the one i’d have chosen long ago. if you had known my grandmother, you’d have tossed around the idea too.]

7. my lucky number. [44. there’s a pretty good running back with that number in Green Bay this season but other than that, not too sure what it’s brought me so far. i make my own luck and a stamp of a number on my back isn’t going to happen anytime soon.]

8. a wedding ring. [i love jewelry and i absolutely loved wearing a wedding ring while married, but i have also always been enamored with the idea of a permanent ring tattooed on my ring finger. it just makes no sense at all when i think about it; hence, no tattoo.]

9. my sign. [trendy and cheesy yes, but there is more to why i have never pulled the trigger on this one. after learning a bit about astrology, i realized there are several signs that represent my personality. a combination of strengths and weaknesses, moons and suns, charts and planets and nodes and t-squares. that’s about the point when i got really confused and let the whole idea go.]

10. a basic tramp stamp. [god knows why i have even considered it. maybe the notion that it’s rebellious to get a stupid tattoo across the base of your back when you are an adult and well aware of the jokes and what it symbolizes? or maybe, just maybe there is some 16-year-old part of me that still thinks these look sexy. let’s not overanalyze.]

October 23, 2011

10 Things Everyone Should Teach their Children Before they Move Out:

1. don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it. [my best friend has always been terrible at asking for help. i think this lesson should be taught simultaneously with potty training. none of us can do it all alone. not even Ryan Gosling.]

2. put yourself in someone else’s shoes. [in the past 2 months i have asked out 2 guys who have both said no. let me explain. the reason i asked them out was because they spent a good 4-6 hours flirting their ass off with me and acting as if i am the only girl on the planet. both men got asked out by me. both said thank you, that’s awesome but i have a girlfriend. i went home but what i really wanted to do was call their mom and ask her why she never taught them that a) leading people on is retarded and how b) it’s very cool to think about how your actions may affect others.]

3. dance at least once a week. [as the remake of Footloose will attest to i’m sure, dancing is pretty darn fun. can you imagine if it was mandatory that every child dance their heart out at least once a week? i bet anger management coaches would be reading the want-ads in no time flat.]

4. trust your instincts. [Gladwell calls it “thin-slicing.” Oprah refers to it as “following your intuition.” mental processes, adaptive unconscious, or just plain magic in the gut; who knows. but if every parent told every child to listen to and trust their instincts, i know i’d be impressed with the human race a bit more than i am in 2011. that’s a fact.]

5. be nice. [be nice to people for fuck’s sake. honestly, i do not understand why this is so difficult. listen, i am cynical and critical and happen to feel the world is overpopulated with morons. and yet, every single day, i try and be nice and you know why? because i don’t really know what is going on inside anyone outside of myself and well damn it, it’s easier and makes the world easier and there’s a lot of crap to deal with in this world so i like making it easier.]

6. have a work ethic. [god knows how we instill this into our kids but can we please make a pact to never give up trying? what is with the freaking teenagers today who feel entitled to the perfect dream job right out of college or no job at all? and why do they feel that doing anything half-assed is okay? god i am so turning into my parents it’s not even funny.]

7. do what you love even if you aren’t good at it. [maybe you’ll get better at it with time. maybe you’ll suck at it forever (screw you golf). maybe you’ll wear it out and you won’t love it as much anymore. whatever the outcome, you’ll be pleased as punch while attempting it and there ain’t nothing like that.]

8. never fear vulnerability. [people are drawn to truth. some of the best movies ever made are great simply because the male lead allows himself to be vulnerable. if you aren’t open how can you let something amazing in?]

9. sex isn’t a tool to define you. [whether you are a girl with attention needs or a boy with self esteem issues or a lady who doesn’t value herself or a gentleman who doesn’t think he’s smart enough…whatever baggage you got, we’ve all got it. more meaningless sex doesn’t really get any of us any closer to emptying the suitcase.]

10. don’t do anything just to please someone else. [a friend of mine with 2 kids mentioned this to me the other night and it made me think he should write a book on parenting. fear of disappointing loved ones is a really good tactic when children need boundaries, but for the most part this can really screw a person up. plus, even if they do what you want them to do, in the end it’ll never work because they aren’t being true to themselves. kind of a lose-lose.]

now go have some fun raising those munchkins. maybe i’ll join you one day.

October 17, 2011

10 Shameful Remakes that Prove Hollywood has Imagination Issues:

1. Dallas. [i heard about this today and sure enough, 5 hours later, the overwhelming urge to blog and bitch has overtaken me. in 2012 we will be blessed with another Dallas series revolving around the Ewings. unbelievably, most of the original cast is returning; all of whom are now in their late 70s. but not to worry. i am sure the plot will move towards their very hot and stupid children by episode 2 and we’ll be watching a regurgitated version of One Tree Hill before we know it.]

2. Footloose. [i listened to the Footloose soundtrack in the cassette deck of my first car so much it literally wore out. almost straight out of the movie, i danced and sang so hard to that crazy “rock n roll” music that the tape FELL APART. how can that experience be reproduced? okay, maybe i am just pissed that Kevin Bacon is separated by everyone in Hollywood by a maximum of 6 degrees and he still couldn’t put a fucking stop to this.]

3. The 3 Musketeers. [i was positive that anything already remade with Charlie Sheen would scare the crap out of anyone considering a third go around. i can be so wrong sometimes.]

4. The Thing. [i don’t really remember this film very well, but if i am not mistaken the one released in 1982 was a remake itself…so even though they claim the 2011 version is a prequel, let’s be honest. we’re on #3 again somehow. my best guess is someone lazy at Universal needed something to get us through Halloween.]

5. It. [the absolute scariest book i’ve ever read and even though the miniseries fell a bit flat, Tim Curry as a sadistic killer clown who eats children isn’t something to be taken lightly. i am already having nightmares of the new cast including Christian Bale doing a strange “clown voice” and the whole thing falling to pieces before i even see a preview.]

6. The Crow. [1993: in Wilmington, NC my parents’ retail store was right across the street from the movie studio where Brandon Lee was accidentally killed while filming the first one. i have always had a deep cultish love for that film. there is a dark beauty about the original that feels as if art and life get completely lost in one another and it all has great meaning in the end. is Relativity Media saying this can be recreated or even should be?]

7. Point Break. [set to be released in 2013, no one knows what will happen with this film and it’s only in development as we speak. that said, it’s going to be remade and that is the only question that needs to be addressed anyway. oh right. some aspiring director out there wants to show the world how much better he can get an actor to express such thoughts as “100% pure adrenaline!”]

8. Miami Vice. [we all saw this coming. yes, cool that Michael Mann did the original and was the one to sign on for the remake. but the tv series in the mid-late eighties was more about a new wave of music and culture that defined a generation; not so much about cops and drama. now all Americans seem to care about are procedurals so maybe Mann should have flipped the whole thing on its head and he would have had a hit. these movie execs really need to start coming to me first.]

9. Arthur. [i didn’t see this movie and the 26% on Rotten Tomatoes leads me to believe i didn’t miss much. but ratings and reviews have nothing to do with my lack of interest. truth is, Dudley Moore was a comedic genius that greatly influenced my childhood love of movies and nobody should think for a second that they can replicate that talent or pee-inducing laughter.]

10. Short Circuit. [it’s so hard not to cry. can’t even type. very difficult. my only wish; please, please i beg you Dimension Films, just do not create some retarded CGI robot with a name like Jar Jar to be Number 5’s new best friend. my heart is in your hands.]

October 15, 2011

10 Terrific things about Living Alone:

1. i am responsible for any mess created. [after a long day of annoying work i open my front door and walk into the living room to find crusty dishes, paperwork spread across the coffee table, a stray sock by the refrigerator and the tv on. i think: why have i picked a significant other that is so ridiculously messy? i might as well be a single mom. then i remember i live alone. ah…the surprising pleasure of accountability.]

2. music, tv, movies and computer are all mine. [may sound selfish but the fact is, i need and love these 4 things. the first 3 are kind of my life blood and the 4th allows me to work and pay for everything else in my life. living alone means i have 24/7 access to these precious tools and i ain’t taking that lightly or for granted any time soon.]

3. a sense of community. [as a single woman living in a 2 bedroom house alone, my neighbors have come out of the woodwork to make sure i know they are there for me. watching my house while i am not there; keeping a general “eye out.” their words, not mine. apparently it takes a village to raise a single white female and you won’t hear me complaining. i am doing the same for them anyway.]

4. i can be as weird as i want to be. [as the adorable Jessica B. puts it [onegirlnodiet.com] “i can eat a grilled cheese at 4:30 in the morning and no one will think that’s weird.” agreed.]

5. silence. [there are times when i spend an entire day without a moment of silence. between coworkers and bosses and music and NPR and the phone ringing and downtown Los Angeles street noise, i experience sound all the time. my house is a fortress of solitude and silence to be cherished.]

6. there is no set schedule. [#4 can fit right into this one. i may eat breakfast at 3pm, go to sleep at Noon, write a blog at 1 in the morning…anything goes. time has no real meaning alone in my home and it’s mine to manipulate how it best suits me any day of the week.]

7. boredom breeds creativity. [seems the more bored i get, the more i am inspired to do something. logical but fascinating. since living alone i have started writing a screenplay, gotten new headshots, created a blog, reconnected with several long lost imperative friends, and downloaded music as if the world is about to end. boredom: marry me.]

8. freedom. [i’ve lived alone for a little over a year now. at first i was scared to experiment with my newfound freedom ~ almost as if someone was hiding in the closet and would catch me making a fool of myself. now i am dancing and singing {loudly}, listening to movies with the sound way too high, and talking to myself often. an unabashed sense of freedom has overtaken me and it’s fucking genius.]

9. money. [it’s certainly easier to split things like Direct TV and rent with another human being, granted. that aside, living alone seems to lead to financial security. no one else to feed, or loan money to, or take out. when it’s just me the word “budgeting” suddenly makes sense and isn’t just another notion that exists solely in the Suzie Orman lexicon.]

10. spontaneous people are fun. [if you call me at 10pm to do something i probably won’t go but that’s just because i am in my mid-thirties and love my house and my bed and my sleep. that said, i think living alone has made me seriously spontaneous. ring me up anytime before 10pm and i’ll be there in a heartbeat.]

October 12, 2011

10 Tiny but Beautiful Moments:

1. the moment you realize you truly enjoy being alone. [there is a transition period between the end of a long-term relationship and the onset of reality where being alone is of course the most AWESOME thing ever because you’ve been in a crappy 1 bedroom apartment with someone you liked less and less every day for the past however many years. that doesn’t count. i am speaking of the moment after an unspecified amount of time when you open your eyes and think “i could wake up every day, alone, like this, and be perfectly content. living with myself is pretty rad.” that moment.]

2. the moment you first felt real independence. [i remember mine so clearly. i was sitting in my ’83 Honda Prelude and it was the first day i officially had my driver’s license. it was raining and i remember the sound of the wipers and the feel of the leather stick shift. i remember thinking that i could drive anywhere by myself, right past the high school and onto the open highway if i wanted. for the first time i felt completely free.]

3. the moment you know you have a great friend. [there is a switch between good acquaintance and friend that is flipped in a nanosecond and it’s like a burst of light illuminating the friendship forever. you tell them something you’ve never told anyone, or they stand up for you in a situation where they really don’t have to, or you are suddenly both laughing so hard your ribs ache. the sound of that switch clicking on is barely noticeable so listen for it.]

4. the moment you realize your parents aren’t God. [i remember a tree frog “event” in my house late one night at the ripe age of 11 or 12. this story is legend in my family and i will not fully embarrass my father my retelling it on a blog. let’s just say my dad wasn’t his perfectly heroic self that evening ~ although he gets an A+ for effort ~ and it was the first moment in my life where i realized my parents might be human after all. good and bad, it’s a momentous revelation to be remembered.]

5. the moment just before the weather changes. [that whip of wind where the temperature starts to drop. that first splatter of rain that exponentially leads to hundreds within seconds. that first chill before snowfall. that moment you get right before nature shifts reminds me of my size in the universe and how grateful i am to be a part of something so grand.]

6. the moment before you say i love you. [an anxious and excited moment, or something you feel quite serene and confident about, or something that rises to the surface that’s been lingering down deep for quite a while and finally needs to see the light of day. in any scenario, this moment feels so right and is always well worth the wait.]

7. the moment you know it’s over. [while your heart is breaking and your mind has gone numb, there is nothing like the feeling of a door shutting because another one has opened at that exact same moment. we only realize this much later, but that doesn’t make the moment less wondrous.]

8. the moment you realize you have a great idea. [i have a few Aries friends who have these about 40 times per day, but for me they’re a little more infrequent. when those synapses get moving, for me i know my life and brain have purpose. let the adventure begin.]

9. the moment you feel exhausted from creating something. [after the synapses have finally decided to take a big nap, the exhaustion and emptiness of giving something to the world is one of the greatest feelings ever. does your body vibrate a little when it happens? me too.]

10. the moment you first wake up after an incredible dream. [my knees curl to my chest and my heart begs for sleep to overtake me again, but i know this moment is precious. dreams and reality seem entangled for just a few morning moments and life is easy and comfortable and warm. even one of these per month would keep me going forever.]

October 4, 2011

1. a therapist. [if she lived with me we could have a glass of wine while discussing why i am feeling the way i am feeling and things would get much deeper much faster this way.]

2. an ultra-modern bathtub. [i have a pretty amazing bathtub in my current home, which i am seriously grateful for, but even the good ones aren’t made for everything we need. like what about a place to put some reading material nearby that won’t get wet? or a way to sit in the tub that doesn’t kill my back and acts more like a pool chair? yeah, i want this one.]

3. a housekeeper. [a live-in, everyday kind of luxury; not a monthly visit for a couple of hours. i actually love cleaning. dishes are my favorite in case you were wondering. unfortunately my inner maid and my outer workaholic have been fighting for years and it’s clear who’s winning.]

4. a gym. [i think when i start regularly working out again i am going to break something. feeling a little creaky lately. i know people always say that having an in-home gym makes no difference; you either want to workout or you don’t. meh, i still want one.]

5. a movie theater. [i just saw a movie in the theater where the sound alone was astonishing not to mention the enormous vision of RG beating the pulp out of anything that was morally corrupt. doubt it would have had the same effect on my thirty inch, seven-year-old television.]

6. a bowling alley. [currently when i am bored i pick up a good book or dance around my apartment or watch a movie i’ve been meaning to see for ages. these are all extremely fulfilling activities but a little bowling in my pajamas late at night seems like it would break up the monotony even better.]

7. a man. [i’ll write another post about this very soon cause i know you all feel i just never broach this topic. so we’ll leave it at that for now. man, in my home, now, would be sweet.]

8. a driving range. [same as the home gym. it’s so hard to drag my ass to the neighborhood range in 102 degree heat with a ton of work to do. if i could take work breaks with my pitching wedge in the backyard my mood and productivity would be limitless.]

9. my best friends. [the one in nyc especially, but really all my girlfriends are included. i am planning on having a girl slumber party over here sometime in the next month or so. boys, we promise to take pictures of those fabulous pillow & tickle fights.]

10. a wine cellar. [it’s possible i’d never leave the house again. or every time i did leave i’d have a headache or still be drunk. but wine is the only thing i’ve ever been interested in collecting and it’s much cooler than a stamp collection in the basement.]

October 3, 2011

10 Holidays I both Hate and Love:

1. Valentine’s Day. [they made an awful movie about it so i am sure it’s not just me. i love that there is a day that celebrates love. i hate that this creates an insane amount of pressure for couples to make sure they eat well, give a gift, and have sex one random day in February.]

2. my birthday. [so far so good with the not-caring-about-getting-older part; that’s not it. i hate that every year i feel the need to gather everyone i even remotely like and ask them to do something for ME. i love that every year i get to see everyone i even remotely like all in one place.]

3. Thanksgiving. [there is so much to love about this holiday. the food, the family, the meaning behind it, the season change (if you are on the East Coast that is). then there’s the weight gain, the family bickering/arguing/almost killing each other, the way we give thanks for an hour at dinner when we should be doing it all the time, the lack of season change (if you are on the West Coast). a real mixed bag.]

4. Independence Day. [i think fireworks are so cool. kids and adults gather as if aliens are landing and even when they’re wimpy fireworks they’re still pretty awesome. i hate this day because the beaches and firework areas are so crowded you can never find parking and trash is everywhere and it’s just kind of a hassle of a day. now that i am writing this i think my issue is with overpopulation and not the holiday so let’s skip it.]

5. Halloween. [i love it because of the kids. what an incredible day when you are 10…running around your neighborhood like a crazy hoodlum in the middle of the night, pretending you are a terrifying monster or a character on TV that you admire, eating candy until you reach that tingly and flushed sick feeling. as an adult however, i don’t need the candy, i don’t understand purchasing an expensive costume that i’ll wear once, i don’t like the effort and all of it seems…well…dumb.]

6. April Fools. [i love this holiday because it’s good for the soul to laugh hard with people and play jokes and be ridiculous sometimes. we all need to lighten up. then there’s the fact that i hate it when people fool me and make me feel stupid. i’m way too sensitive.]

7. Groundhog Day. [i love this holiday because the groundhog is a pretty interesting animal that needs appreciation. that and i can’t help but admire a quirky little tradition that’s stuck around for so long. i hate it because every year i hope to wake up at 6am to Sonny and Cher on the radio and experience a Bill Murray version of Groundhog Day. quite disappointing that this unlikely to ever happen.]

8. New Year’s Eve. [love, love, love the champagne and the fresh start and the hugs and kisses and joy all around. not too big a fan of the drunk driving and general mayhem that every big city endures during this holiday. i guess if you are having a house party this year i’d like to be invited and i’ll be sleeping on your couch please.]

9. Easter. [little ones hunting for pastel candied eggs and dressing up all clean and cute is certainly fun and a day that i can’t be too critical of. then again, we are the only country with an obesity epidemic and it’s the 2nd holiday on this very short list that entails stuffing our children with candy.]

10. Festivus. [for the rest of us! i love the idea of a holiday where we tell our family about how they’ve disappointed us this year and then celebrate around an aluminum pole. the Feats of Strength are pretty nifty too, even if i’d never be able to beat my dad in a wrestling match. the thing i hate about this holiday is that it doesn’t actually exist. i’m gonna start a Festivus revolution.]