I used to think it was my caring duty as a mother to manage my family members. My expectations—of my children and my husband to do what I felt was best—caused resentment and conveyed disapproval though I didn’t see it at the time, so I continued on with my pattern of trying to get them to do what I thought they should.

I’d say things like, “You should take a jacket,” and “I want you to make a dentist appointment,” and “You need to start saving money so you can pay your rent.” Managing my family felt to me like loving them.

What got me to examine my behavior was the desperation that goes along with the disease of addiction. Mothering my son did not cause his addiction but his drug addiction did cause my mothering to go into overdrive. Try as I might, managing my son and his escalating problems did not help. What did help was learning to pay attention to my own behavior because then I was looking at my own options instead of the options of others.

When I said to my son, “You should go to a meeting,” or “You need to get back to treatment,” or “I want you to promise me you won’t use drugs,” I was telling him how he should find recovery. How does anyone really know what’s best for another? Driven by the stranglehold addiction had on him, my worry was leading me astray.

Gradually, my words--should, need to, and I want you to—began to sound unsupportive to my ears. So I tried hard to simply convey love and compassion, to stop telling him what to do, and to hold back from doing for him what he could do for himself. That’s challenging when you’re worried sick. It would’ve been far easier if decades ago I’d truly internalized that his life is not mine to live.

But I didn’t.

Fast forward to the hopeful part: I’m finding that all my relationships dramatically improve when I work on staying in my lane. The other day while driving, I noticed those are my hands on the wheel. I can choose to scream at the crazy driver ahead (who can’t hear me anyway) or take action myself: slow down, speed up, move over, or exit. Issuing a steady stream of instructions at that driver (or my son) won’t change him. Change has to come from me.​I’m the only one who can bring about my own peace.

I needed to hear this. I haven't realized that maybe my words and actions are impacting sobriety for my loved one...until now. Thank you. Monday starts a new week with hopefully improvement on my part for the recovery of my addict. Thank you!!

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D'Anne Burwell

2/11/2018 01:13:13 pm

Glad this resonates for you. I love your "tomorrow is a new day" attitude.

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Simon

8/27/2018 09:40:12 pm

I’ve been desperate to help my daughter’s addiction and the only way I knew was through control. I’m wondering if I wanted to ease my own pain instead.

Simon, I understand that desperate need to control when addiction has grabbed your child by the soul. And addiction is a soul crushing disease. There is a better way to help and it's hard to accept as a parent because it's counter intuitive to parenting. Focus on what you can control-yourself- by setting boundaries, by getting yourself to support groups, by taking care of yourself, by conveying love and compassion to your child but not fixing their problems, by patiently helping them find treatment. Yes, we jump in to ease our fear.

Kris Angelo

2/12/2018 07:05:43 am

Managing does feel like loving, and addiction DOES cause a mother to go into overdrive. Thank you D'anne for the reminder to stay in my own lane, I will use this logic daily. Finally realizing that my recovery is just as important as my daughters. I must consciously turn Fear into Faith many times a day because my pattern of helping (which is really control) runs so deep.

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D'Anne Burwell

2/12/2018 09:24:32 am

Yes, and your recovery is what you have control over. Changing behavior is hard work. I found that a good support group really helped me not to slide back into old patterns.

I needed this gentle reminder. My son who is in very early recovery tells me often he needs me to just sit and listen, not offer advice, not tell him what to do. But sit and listen and allow him to work his own recovery, no matter how messy it may look to me. Being powerless over your children, especially those suffering from the disease of addiction is so hard. Thank goodness for blogs like yours and great support groups for families of addicts!

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D'Anne Burwell

2/19/2018 06:16:01 pm

Staci, My hat is off to your son for his ability to tell you what he needs; such wise and sound advice! People in recovery are so amazing. And yes, it's so difficult for parents to step back and let them work it. Keep on, mama.

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Cindy

2/20/2018 08:52:22 am

You are truly correct and we all should practice this, however, when they do make bad choices, or choose to use then it does ultimately affect us which is why we try to detour their behavior. So difficult especially if they are living in your home.

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D'Anne Burwell

2/20/2018 09:36:25 am

One of the hardest things I've ever done is allow my son to learn from his mistakes, particularly when his life was at risk. His using WAS affecting me so after I'd tried controlling and manipulating and everything else, I finally learned how to get out of his chaos and still convey my love.

I love the way you phrased it. Being in a support group was my saving grace. And although it was really difficult to do at times, I had to hold my tongue and just keep telling him that I loved him. It was no matter his choices, and they are HIS choices, I love him. It's truly a relief that in all aspects of his life, it's hard, I can just remember to remind him that I love him no matter what. Thank you again, D'Anne for your story.

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D'Anne

2/23/2018 10:59:41 am

You are welcome! And thanks for sharing how hard it is to "hold your tongue."

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Lois

2/25/2018 01:10:21 pm

Thank you D'Anne.. I am trying to learn all I can before my son graduates from rehab in July. Your advice is just what I needed to hear as I can relate to all that has been said.

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D'Anne Burwell

2/25/2018 01:17:06 pm

I'm glad this resonates! Hugs:)

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Roberta swinney

4/22/2018 10:41:36 am

I so appreciate you and others that are speaking out about addiction. We lost our son 7 years ago to an overdose and there are many things I would do different if I had it to do over again but the past is the past. We have learned so much in the last 7 years as we now volunteer at Teen Challenge twice a week. We love getting to know the ladies and hearing the mindset of what they have and are enduring. Addiction is a powerful thing and I believed the addict hates it as much as we do. But one thing I know for sure that we did right is that we loved our son unconditionally to the end and he KNEW that and for that we are thankful. God is making beauty from ashes. RIP Shaun, gone but never forgotten.

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D'Anne Burwell

4/22/2018 11:38:19 am

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son Shaun. I'm in admiration for your courage to continue learning and to volunteer and help make things better for others. I agree with you that people struggling hate their addiction; I hear that over and over. It is heartwarming to hear--and for you to know--that you conveyed all your love and connection to your son.

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Patricia

5/22/2018 05:37:36 am

My daughter I feel is still trying to rehabilitate herself, She doesnt trust herself to come off the programme of Suboxone yet. A few years ago, I had to break my own addiction , which was to her, I was addicted to saving her which only enabled her and was slowly distroyed me. I continue to love her and offer emotional support. It took alot of courage to step back and let her continue to make her mistakes of relaspe, each one less frequent now, Addiciton as we know is a terrible evil with a devastating ripple effect on family and friends. Thank you D'Anne.

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D'Anne Burwell

5/22/2018 10:36:01 am

Patricia, You've described tremendous courage... you stepping back and claiming your own life while your daughter figures out her path to manage her disease. I love that you mentioned how you continue to love her and offer emotional support... so important. Describing your struggle helps others so thanks for commenting.

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Patricia

5/23/2018 05:10:03 am

Thank you for your kind words D'Anne, there is a poem which I am sure most people have read, it has a few titles, however send the same message, called " Lady Heroin" That was my life, our life from 2010-2016, I thank God everyday , that my daughter is healing, also she discovered on her terms what damage she has sustained to her cognitive well being from her addiction, one day , maybe I will write a book on our journey .

D'Anne Burwell

5/23/2018 09:21:42 am

I hope too that the dark days are behind you both, and that you continue to heal. When you're ready put pen to paper.

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Author

D’Anne Burwell is the author of the award-winning SAVING JAKE: When Addiction Hits Home, a memoir about her family’s struggle with addiction. She speaks nationally about the impact of drug addiction on families. She mentors parents struggling with addicted children. D’Anne believes that treatment not only works, it saves lives.