on 5, maybe 'an' orient pearl. it's traditional, but it sounds smoother. this feels a little like it was written in stone-space, as though the phrases appeared suddenly in your head, like blooming flowers. it means that even though you sense and know the connections, the reader isn't in your head, sort of has to plod along -- cause that's what perception is about -- going from room to image room. what you've written doesn't need to be styled down to the hair-salon crowd, though. and, even then some of them are naturally stoned.

as poetry this is a little wordy. as a document of the author constructing a poem it's interesting. — cadmium