Author
Topic: Advice for dealing with wife (Read 12385 times)

I think there are two parts to this equation: organizational and emotional.

Organizationally, I'd suggest a nice basket -- we have a wicker one for keys, wallet, and phone, and it both looks nice and makes it so we can find our stuff. We also have much larger such baskets for mail, which allows you to just dump it without sorting it every day, and then after a while you go through it and keep what you want and throw out what you don't. Baskets are a nice compromise -- they organize stuff, look nice, but don't force you to open and close drawers every time you want something.

Interpersonally, try just being a little nicer. Bring her a glass of water when she didn't ask for it, make a lunch for her every once in a while when she's rushed in the morning, just do things that show you care about her. It's indirect, but I slowly learned that the key to women (at least my woman) is to show her that you are thinking about and care about her, rather than actually trying to rationally bargain/compromise over whatever the actual issue is. If you have the right feeling between you, you can always find a way to make it work, if you don't, you can endlessly fight over small things.

Then next time there's something you want to do/change she'll remember you giving in on this issue, and chances are she'll be more than reasonable.

This hasn't been my experience.

=====================================

As for Moranis' situation, this is something that he feels strongly about. It's an engrained habit that really isn't hurting anybody. If the cozy is small and unobtrusive, I think his wife looks at least as unreasonable as he does.

My wife and I have fights over stupid stuff frequently. I give in a lot, but I hold firm a lot, too. I think that if you give in all the time, you end up creating an expectation that you'll always be bull-dozed. Over time, that type of stuff leads to resentment, which unfortunately leads to all kinds of other problems in a marriage.

Marriage needs to be about give-and-take. It sounds like Moranis and Mrs. Moranis have a pretty good system worked out, since they rarely fight. However, if this is the line in the sand for both of them, I don't think the man needs to automatically give in.

True, I guess my thinking is it's just not that important, don't sweat the small stuff. In the end you're really not giving in much. To me these are the type of things that if your spouse says really bother them, should be automatic give-ins. When my wife says something really bothers her, I take that seriously and try my best, I don't want to cohabitate with someone who is bothered by something I am doing, and she does the same. Now, I'm not saying we are both successful at doing this all of the time, everyone makes mistakes. But simply moving something a few feet into a drawer isn't going to impact your life.

Moranis probably should have spent more time finding out why she wanted to buy the table in the first place, then there never would have been a problem.

Then next time there's something you want to do/change she'll remember you giving in on this issue, and chances are she'll be more than reasonable.

This hasn't been my experience.

=====================================

As for Moranis' situation, this is something that he feels strongly about. It's an engrained habit that really isn't hurting anybody. If the cozy is small and unobtrusive, I think his wife looks at least as unreasonable as he does.

My wife and I have fights over stupid stuff frequently. I give in a lot, but I hold firm a lot, too. I think that if you give in all the time, you end up creating an expectation that you'll always be bull-dozed. Over time, that type of stuff leads to resentment, which unfortunately leads to all kinds of other problems in a marriage.

Marriage needs to be about give-and-take. It sounds like Moranis and Mrs. Moranis have a pretty good system worked out, since they rarely fight. However, if this is the line in the sand for both of them, I don't think the man needs to automatically give in.

True, I guess my thinking is it's just not that important, don't sweat the small stuff. In the end you're really not giving in much. To me these are the type of things that if your spouse says really bother them, should be automatic give-ins. When my wife says something really bothers her, I take that seriously and try my best, I don't want to cohabitate with someone who is bothered by something I am doing, and she does the same. Now, I'm not saying we are both successful at doing this all of the time, everyone makes mistakes. But simply moving something a few feet into a drawer isn't going to impact your life.

Moranis probably should have spent more time finding out why she wanted to buy the table in the first place, then there never would have been a problem.

She told me she wanted to buy the table to move the stuff out of the kitchen so she could have her counter. Seemed reasonable enough to me, so I moved my stuff from the kitchen to the table. I just didn't use the table in the manner she wanted me to. I mean I changed, I just didn't change enough, and frankly I hate drawers. Drawers are a pain in the butt. Things move around, they get lost, they get damaged. They aren't good.

She doesn't want things on top, because you can see it from the door which makes it a security risk (she acts like we live in the ghetto). So a basket won't solve that problem, as it would still be visible from the door. I think she ultimately gave in, because she said something along the lines of the first time someone breaks in and takes your stuff, I'm calling a security company and getting the most expensive high end security system and you will never hear the end of it. She seemingly dropped the issue after that.

Then next time there's something you want to do/change she'll remember you giving in on this issue, and chances are she'll be more than reasonable.

This hasn't been my experience.

=====================================

As for Moranis' situation, this is something that he feels strongly about. It's an engrained habit that really isn't hurting anybody. If the cozy is small and unobtrusive, I think his wife looks at least as unreasonable as he does.

My wife and I have fights over stupid stuff frequently. I give in a lot, but I hold firm a lot, too. I think that if you give in all the time, you end up creating an expectation that you'll always be bull-dozed. Over time, that type of stuff leads to resentment, which unfortunately leads to all kinds of other problems in a marriage.

Marriage needs to be about give-and-take. It sounds like Moranis and Mrs. Moranis have a pretty good system worked out, since they rarely fight. However, if this is the line in the sand for both of them, I don't think the man needs to automatically give in.

True, I guess my thinking is it's just not that important, don't sweat the small stuff. In the end you're really not giving in much. To me these are the type of things that if your spouse says really bother them, should be automatic give-ins. When my wife says something really bothers her, I take that seriously and try my best, I don't want to cohabitate with someone who is bothered by something I am doing, and she does the same. Now, I'm not saying we are both successful at doing this all of the time, everyone makes mistakes. But simply moving something a few feet into a drawer isn't going to impact your life.

Moranis probably should have spent more time finding out why she wanted to buy the table in the first place, then there never would have been a problem.

She told me she wanted to buy the table to move the stuff out of the kitchen so she could have her counter. Seemed reasonable enough to me, so I moved my stuff from the kitchen to the table. I just didn't use the table in the manner she wanted me to. I mean I changed, I just didn't change enough, and frankly I hate drawers. Drawers are a pain in the butt. Things move around, they get lost, they get damaged. They aren't good.

She doesn't want things on top, because you can see it from the door which makes it a security risk (she acts like we live in the ghetto). So a basket won't solve that problem, as it would still be visible from the door. I think she ultimately gave in, because she said something along the lines of the first time someone breaks in and takes your stuff, I'm calling a security company and getting the most expensive high end security system and you will never hear the end of it. She seemingly dropped the issue after that.

If it's primarily a security issue and not one of "neatness" then there really is no issue. No one is going to break into a home for a wallet and a phone. A breaking and entering charge is not worth a couple hundred bucks... unless the wrong crackhead hears this conversation.

I think she ultimately gave in, because she said something along the lines of the first time someone breaks in and takes your stuff, I'm calling a security company and getting the most expensive high end security system and you will never hear the end of it. She seemingly dropped the issue after that.

Hey you know those things that have like tons of time cards in them and then people pull out their time card and punch into a clock? Could you get and hang a nice wooden one of those?

Also I accuse Moranis of making up a "cozy". When I google or yahoo "cozy" or "cozy organizer" I get nothing. I don't think he bought this thing marketed as a "cozy". Is this thing knitted? What on Earth did you do Moranis? Moranis just admit you got a weird thing that was probably hideous or impractical.

I think she ultimately gave in, because she said something along the lines of the first time someone breaks in and takes your stuff, I'm calling a security company and getting the most expensive high end security system and you will never hear the end of it. She seemingly dropped the issue after that.

Sounds reasonable.

Just back from vacation and I’ve been dying to get in on this since I read it.

She may seem ok with it now, but this is eating away at her every time she walks by and sees your stuff offending her sense of order.

You just have to learn this important fact about women…THOSE PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT FROM US!

Once you accept that, you can understand what is REALLY going on and change your approach accordingly.

Start by listening for and deciphering the code.

Case in point…when she told you she wanted her kitchen back that is not what she meant. What she wanted was for you to get your crap out of her sight. When she says she has a security concern, it is not what she means. She still wants your crap out of her sight. Even though the odds are overwhelmingly in your favor that no one will break in and steal your cell phone, she will not be happy.

This will resurface and become even a bigger issue because you were not tuned in to what she wanted (and to some extent needed).

Other examples…have you ever been asked “Do you want to (whatever)? If you say “No thanks” you’ll soon realize it’s not really a question. She is really saying “I want you to (whatever)”

How about “Here’s the remote. Watch whatever you want” The unspoken part is “as long as it is something I want too.”

The good news is that you can still recover from this, although you will forever have lost points for not getting it right the first time.

As I see it, you have two choices:

a.Replace the desk with a roll-top desk. Keep the top closed to hide the mess. This is not the best choice because it involves getting rid of the desk she picked out and probably likes, and hoping you can find a roll-top she likes, or

b.Keeping the desk you know she likes. Buy some drawer organizers like these:

Go to a fabric store and buy some felt and fabric glue to line them with.

Install a power strip under or on the back of the desk where it doesn’t show.

Drill a hole in the back of the drawer to run the wire for your charger.

You both get what you need/want but more importantly and she will appreciate the fact that you understand her.

A relationship involves give-and-take. Often that means you give and she takes, but sometimes you’re dealing with something that really matters to her but doesn’t so much matter to you. When that happens, there is no point in looking for the logic in why it matters so much. Just accept that it does, and give it up. The more you do this, the more you will be on the receiving end of that understanding when it matters more to you. When you both have a strong need/want, look for a solution that works for both of you so neither one feels slighted. There will be very few occasions when neither one will be happy giving in and you can’t find a good compromise. That’s when all the good will in the bank, which hasn’t been wasted on little stuff like this, gets you through.

I think she ultimately gave in, because she said something along the lines of the first time someone breaks in and takes your stuff, I'm calling a security company and getting the most expensive high end security system and you will never hear the end of it. She seemingly dropped the issue after that.

Sounds reasonable.

Just back from vacation and I’ve been dying to get in on this since I read it.

She may seem ok with it now, but this is eating away at her every time she walks by and sees your stuff offending her sense of order.

You just have to learn this important fact about women…THOSE PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT FROM US!

Once you accept that, you can understand what is REALLY going on and change your approach accordingly.

Start by listening for and deciphering the code.

Case in point…when she told you she wanted her kitchen back that is not what she meant. What she wanted was for you to get your crap out of her sight. When she says she has a security concern, it is not what she means. She still wants your crap out of her sight. Even though the odds are overwhelmingly in your favor that no one will break in and steal your cell phone, she will not be happy.

This will resurface and become even a bigger issue because you were not tuned in to what she wanted (and to some extent needed).

Other examples…have you ever been asked “Do you want to (whatever)? If you say “No thanks” you’ll soon realize it’s not really a question. She is really saying “I want you to (whatever)”

How about “Here’s the remote. Watch whatever you want” The unspoken part is “as long as it is something I want too.”

The good news is that you can still recover from this, although you will forever have lost points for not getting it right the first time.

As I see it, you have two choices:

a.Replace the desk with a roll-top desk. Keep the top closed to hide the mess. This is not the best choice because it involves getting rid of the desk she picked out and probably likes, and hoping you can find a roll-top she likes, or

b.Keeping the desk you know she likes. Buy some drawer organizers like these:

Go to a fabric store and buy some felt and fabric glue to line them with.

Install a power strip under or on the back of the desk where it doesn’t show.

Drill a hole in the back of the drawer to run the wire for your charger.

You both get what you need/want but more importantly and she will appreciate the fact that you understand her.

A relationship involves give-and-take. Often that means you give and she takes, but sometimes you’re dealing with something that really matters to her but doesn’t so much matter to you. When that happens, there is no point in looking for the logic in why it matters so much. Just accept that it does, and give it up. The more you do this, the more you will be on the receiving end of that understanding when it matters more to you. When you both have a strong need/want, look for a solution that works for both of you so neither one feels slighted. There will be very few occasions when neither one will be happy giving in and you can’t find a good compromise. That’s when all the good will in the bank, which hasn’t been wasted on little stuff like this, gets you through.

you clearly have a different relationship with women than I do with my wife.

My advice? Do what your wife wants, and move on. You have to pick your battles, and this seems like the wrong kind of battle to take any kind of stand on.

I admit I didn't read the 7 pages, but this first response is the one I agree with.

In a marginally successful 24 year marriage, I find my greatest success when I do things the way she wants them done. This isn't meant as a put-down to my wife, but a recognition that she has deeper reasons than I do about why things are done a certain way around the house. This is not a man-woman thing, but rather respect for her organizational skills, and perhaps some acknowledgement that the stress it causes her by me not doing it her way is greater than the stress it causes me doing it her way.

That said, I may not be the ideal person to take marital advice from. A 24-year respectful, responsible parent partnership with no infidelity or big blow-ups -- but as I allude to, generally lacking.

Keep in mind, women are different from one another. There are certain behaviors that are more or less common in women (or men), but any individual woman is still an individual. Thus, the many perspectives here from men in relationships with different women.

One thing that makes such situations tricky is that women are generally more about subtext while men usually focus on the straightforward in negotiations like that.

It seems to me from you description that this is something peculiar to her that annoys her. I have those, but I am pretty self aware and come to my senses when discussing them with my wife.

I think she ultimately gave in, because she said something along the lines of the first time someone breaks in and takes your stuff, I'm calling a security company and getting the most expensive high end security system and you will never hear the end of it. She seemingly dropped the issue after that.

Sounds reasonable.

Just back from vacation and I’ve been dying to get in on this since I read it.

She may seem ok with it now, but this is eating away at her every time she walks by and sees your stuff offending her sense of order.

You just have to learn this important fact about women…THOSE PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT FROM US!

Once you accept that, you can understand what is REALLY going on and change your approach accordingly.

Start by listening for and deciphering the code.

Case in point…when she told you she wanted her kitchen back that is not what she meant. What she wanted was for you to get your crap out of her sight. When she says she has a security concern, it is not what she means. She still wants your crap out of her sight. Even though the odds are overwhelmingly in your favor that no one will break in and steal your cell phone, she will not be happy.

This will resurface and become even a bigger issue because you were not tuned in to what she wanted (and to some extent needed).

Other examples…have you ever been asked “Do you want to (whatever)? If you say “No thanks” you’ll soon realize it’s not really a question. She is really saying “I want you to (whatever)”

How about “Here’s the remote. Watch whatever you want” The unspoken part is “as long as it is something I want too.”

The good news is that you can still recover from this, although you will forever have lost points for not getting it right the first time.

As I see it, you have two choices:

a.Replace the desk with a roll-top desk. Keep the top closed to hide the mess. This is not the best choice because it involves getting rid of the desk she picked out and probably likes, and hoping you can find a roll-top she likes, or

b.Keeping the desk you know she likes. Buy some drawer organizers like these:

Go to a fabric store and buy some felt and fabric glue to line them with.

Install a power strip under or on the back of the desk where it doesn’t show.

Drill a hole in the back of the drawer to run the wire for your charger.

You both get what you need/want but more importantly and she will appreciate the fact that you understand her.

A relationship involves give-and-take. Often that means you give and she takes, but sometimes you’re dealing with something that really matters to her but doesn’t so much matter to you. When that happens, there is no point in looking for the logic in why it matters so much. Just accept that it does, and give it up. The more you do this, the more you will be on the receiving end of that understanding when it matters more to you. When you both have a strong need/want, look for a solution that works for both of you so neither one feels slighted. There will be very few occasions when neither one will be happy giving in and you can’t find a good compromise. That’s when all the good will in the bank, which hasn’t been wasted on little stuff like this, gets you through.

you clearly have a different relationship with women than I do with my wife.

You clearly have a great relationship if this is the first type of argument you've had like this. I'm not sure how fortunate that is though because if you can't or don't know how to handle something basic like this, I pray you never have to deal with a serious difference of opinion.

Everyone in this thread is correct, it's about give and take. Don't be a wuss and give into everything, if you feel strongly about something stick to your guns, otherwise you're setting up a dangerous precedent. And Roy H. is right, if you don't that's the type of stuff that leads to resentment, just as it could lead to her resenting you every time she walks into the house if you leave it like this without any acceptance or closure.

Now this seems to be one of those things that is important to you, so I'd stay away from the advice about giving in. I'm not sure if you just don't like opening a drawer multiple times a day (I probably wouldn't) but if the true reason for your reluctance is damage there's been multiple suggestions that would eliminate that AND make your wife happy. Those are the ideal solutions.

If you can't work out a win-win, the only other successful way is compromise (the basis of marriage because most disputes are not this easy to make both of you happy). That way at least she thinks she's winning. Find a difference of opinion that is less important to you and GIVE her what she wants in exchange for TAKING the win in this one.

I'll tell you one thing though, if something is still on a woman's mind the next day, it's definitely important enough to her. Don't assume it's more important to you, no matter how petty she's being. Even though it looks like you've squeezed out a victory here, us men will never know what goes on in those pretty heads.