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Silent Thoughts

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I have been walking the paths that I dread the most
I can feel the control sleeping away
I sense my anger growing for people and things every minute
I experience landing into deep loneliness now and then

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I can feel the urge I have for attention
I can see me failing in small small things
I can sense not being present where I am
I can feel me giving a fuck to things around me

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I miss my family a bit too much.. much more than usual
I miss being with my husband a lot more
I miss eating something sweet all the time
I miss having someone to talk to all the while

Its been a few days.. something’s off
I don’t feel like working
I don’t feel like stepping into the office
I don’t feel like waking up early
I don’t feel like managing the house

Its been a few days..something’s off
I struggle with reading a novel I want to read
I struggle with watching a movie I want to watch
I struggle with planning a travel which I love the most
I struggle with finding one good song to listen to

Its been a few days..something’s off
I want to torture myself by walking down the memory lane
I want to visualise things which never happened and never will
I want to grow but I am scared of change
I want to touch fire and see what happens

Its been a few days..something’s off
But only thing that sails me through..is..our time together.

I am tired, truly tired. Of myself. Today all I want do is to escape from myself. The way I am, the way I behave, my thoughts, emotions, ambitions my needs, memories, my fantasies… every bloody thing about being ME is eating me up today. I can come out of myself and can actually see a different person inside. Its sickens me to see how I have changed in last few years. There was a time I was so comfortable n happy with myself and my decisions. Now, I don’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy and comfortable with myself. I walk on a path for a while, it gives me happiness and then I am amazed to see that its just the fucking upper layer. Deep within its still empty n unsatisfied. Then its a vicious cycle. I am so tired of this routine.

I am so bloody choked n speechless right now that I cant even write a proper line anymore. I actually googled some quotes about ‘Escaping from myself’, So lame… May be this is just to re-iterate how i am feeling!

“Reality doesn’t impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls.”
― Anaïs Nin, Incest: From a Journal of Love

“Besides the alternate universe offered by a book, the quiet space of a museum was my favorite place to go. My mom said I was an escapist at heart . . . that I preferred imaginary worlds to the real one. It’s true that I’ve always been able to yank myself out of this world and plunge myself into another.”
― Amy Plum, Die for Me

“Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape. ”
― William S. Burroughs

“Her body was a prison, her mind was a prison. Her memories were a prison. The people she loved. She couldn’t get away from the hurt of them. She could leave Eric, walk out of her apartment, walk forever if she liked, but she couldn’t escape what really hurt. Tonight even the sky felt like a prison.”
― Ann Brashares, Sisterhood Everlasting

“A smiling lie is a whirlwind, easy to enter, but hard to escape.”
― Dejan Stojanovic, The Sun Watches the Sun

“But if these years have taught me anything it is this: you can never run away. Not ever. The only way out is in.”
― Junot Díaz, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao

Like this:

Cool breeze, a good novel, coffee, greenery, luxurious resort room, variety of options for food, crazy desserts, nice collection of wines, lovely designer wine glasses, some privacy actually lots of privacy, huge bathroom with plush bathtub, two chairs & a table in the gallery, a small light in the distance which I can stare at, romantic & classic movies collection, lots of multi-coloured flowers, an infinity swimming pool with absolutely no one else in it while a Cosmopolitan waits for me!

A bicycle, a warm yet light jacket, a good party dress, 5-6 comfy footwear’s, cosy white silky blanket, few satin nighties, warm black or blue socks with polka dots on it… and a laptop to do some thinking, some writing!

Travel to some distant places with no hurry to return! With no restrictions of spending money! With no obligations of a job! With no responsibilities of a family! Just me, my books, my wine, my memories, my sadness, my ambitions and my writing… and all small little things of mine..

Some new faces to make memories with, some new moments to leave behind as a memory, some new city’s to experience…Understand relationships, to unshackle myself, to be lively again…to love myself more!

The freedom to laugh – cry, to roam alone, to get lost, to eat desserts, to drink what I like, to go where I like, to make love, to dance, to experience music – and just be myself…again…

M1: Well, some people are meant for making mistakes. They cant go on with life if there is no excitement, some drama, tragedy and spice.

M2: Yeah, may be you are right! She is like that. But hows she now anyway?

M1: You know her! Holding tight.. Whether its the reason for the mess or the reason for her existence!

M2: That sounds painful.

M1: I bet it is. First deal with the mess you created. Then deal with the impacted ones. Then deal with their tantrums. Then deal with your guilt. Then deal with their disappointment. Then deal with your loneliness. Then deal with their disconnectedness. Then deal with your disconnectedness. Then deal with their stubbornness. Then deal with your agony. Then deal with their anger. Then deal with your anger. Then deal with the emptiness and void in relationships. And while dealing with all of this deal with the splurge of emotions running inside you for the reason of the mess. And eventually deal with standing alone day in day out.

M2: Mann.. That’s something. But do you think she will survive out of it?

M1: What do you mean?

M2: Like, will she be herself again? Will she ever take spontaneous, reckless and impulsive decisions again? Will she give her 110% in any relationship again?

M1: Don’t know ya! No idea as of now. She may or she may not. But she certainly lost her faith in love by many levels.

M2: How can you say that? She messed up.. She screwed it all up.. How does she get to be the one who says I have lost my faith in love?

M1: Well all I mean to say is, She has had enough of love and its after effects.. She may find her solace in something else but not love for sure. I think by now she totally believes that the choice of freedom costs a lot and that she is not ready for that price.

M2: I don’t know what to say. Understanding her is too complicated.

M1: Hahaha, you are not the first one to say that. Don’t even try understanding her. Let her be.

M2: You mean no matter how much pain she gives to others. She still gets to be the one who throws tantrums and has expectations and expects freedom and love.

M1: Well frankly, Yes! That’s how she is and that’s how she will always be.

M2: I am glad. At least that’s not changed in her.

M1: Yeah Man, Really.

M2: Do you think everything will be alright and rocking for her ever again?

M1: Knowing her and her relationships, I strongly think it will all be alright. But knowing the new changes in her, her thoughts, her beliefs and her relationships, I doubt my earlier belief a bit.

M2: Why do you say that?

M1: She was broken before. She is broken again. Earlier when she was broken she had people of her own and a place of her own. Now she doesn’t. Now she completely believes that life’s going to be boring, uninteresting and relationships are going to be disconnected & dented from now on.

M2: You mean she has lost faith in miracles and specially in her decisions.

M1: You got it.

M2: That’s scary. I worry now.

M1: Don’t you worry, you know our girl. She will somehow get everything and everyone on track.

M2: Well yeah, that she will.

M1: I just want her to start loving herself again and move on.

M2: So you think she hasn’t moved on yet?

M1: I don’t think so. But she is trying. The deeper you are in it, the slower you come out of it.

M2: That’s true. I just hope she moves on but doesn’t really move on.

M1: What’s that supposed to mean?

M2: Like move on from where she is supposed to. But not move on from her own self and others.

M1: Hmm, now I get it. You got a point there.

M2: Yeah, I just hope she pulls it off correctly.

M1: You worry again, I told you somehow someday she will.

M2: Yeah, but it cant be too late you know. She has to survive her spontaneous, impulsive nature tied to a 110% lover till then.

M1: Well it sounds a bit difficult but you never know when it comes to her!