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We just had Mardi Gras. We know from San Gennaro. Coming up is St. Patrick’s. And if you’re talking Angelina, a movie star, multiple mama, Brad mattress buddy, UN envoy — who still needs to shove out a disjointed leg to mask her insecurity — we just celebrated West Coast’s fiesta of boobs and butts.

Meanwhile, happening around our country? The Exotic Erotic Ball in San Francisco; ZenFest in McLouth, Kan.; Pirate Festival in Florida and Mermaid Parade on Coney Island. Also what’s called Folkmoot in what’s called Waynesville, NC, which is in what’s called the state of our Democratic convention.

And shiver me timbers there’s Canal Fest, whatever that is, in North Tonawanda. (There’s a South Tonawanda?)

Wait. To be or not to be in Cedar City, Utah’s Shakespearean Festival. Or Shakopee, Minn.’s Rennaissance Festival. MasterWorks Festival in Winona Lake, Ind. True/False Festival in Columbia, Mo. Choctaw Nation Labor Day Festival in Tuskahoma, Okla. Ever heard of Christmas on the River in Demopolis, Ala.? Ever heard of Demopolis, Ala.?

Banana Festival in Sacramento. Banana Split Festival in Wilmington, Ohio. (Overripe banana and no festival — on my fridge.) Garlic Festival in Gilroy, Calif. (One village over must be a Listerine Festival.)

Pumpkin Festival in Morton, Ill. Apple Festival in Paintsville, Ky. Area Grape Jamboree in Geneva, Ohio. Great Ogeechee Seafood Festival in Richmond Hill, Ga. County Apple Festival in Jackson, Ohio. Preble County Pork Festival in Eaton, Ohio. Corn Fest in Dekalb, Ill. Chowderfest in Beach Haven, NJ, where the cream is so fresh that two hours earlier it was grass.

Looking for Pawpaw? Its big day is in Albany, Ohio. The Barbecue eat? Lexington, NC. Again, that’s in our coming Democratic convention’s handpicked state whose nearest best hotel is located in Phoenix.

March is their Garden Show. Talk about grass growing out of their ears. March 13: Environmental Film Festival. What that is, who knows? Think Al Gore on nonmarital warming. March 31. Everything’s dead in our capital so the Smithsonian comes alive with a Kite Festival. As in Romney telling Obama: “Go fly one.” And DC’s got the Independent Film Festival. Not Democratic or Republican. Independent. If it’s silent movies, forget Ron Paul.

This month is their “family friendly” Nationals baseball team gala. Fans can get Nationals players autographs and photographs. OK, but why? March 24: National Shamrock Festival. National? They don’t even know about it in Delaware.

And the Intersection Arts Festival, of which I’ve never heard, at Atlas Performing Arts Center, of which I also never heard. Plus the Lin-less Washington Wizards basketball dribble at the Verizon Center. Can you hear me now? Who cares?

Nearby, some cockamamie dancing thing in neighboring Bethesda. Or maybe everyone’s just scrambling to get out of Bethesda.

Alexandria has a St. Patrick’s Day Parade with a dog show, high school bands and elected officials — in that order. Fairfax, Va., does a Chocolate Lovers celebration. The town of Frederick has Restaurant Week.

It’s now Spring Festival in China. London’s got the Great British Beer guzzle and upcoming is their Brewery Tap Beer drinkathon.

Looking for Bonnaroo Music Festival? Try Manchester, Tenn.

Polish Festival? Try Syracuse. Voodoo Experience? New Orleans.

If interested in the Pagan Spirit Gathering, it gathers around Salem, Mo. And Nerdapalooza’s in Eureka. That’s California.

Right. Where else would most nerdapaloozas be?

What Dragging the Gut Festival is, not sure — but to reach it the Biggest Loser must drag his (her?) gut to McMinnville, Ore., which is not tough to locate. It’s just outside their stomach. The area’s unsophisticated. Locals think a mushroom is where you make love. And its slogan? Fat men never age. There’s no room for wrinkles.

There’s a Shamy Bash, whatever that is, in Pataskala, Ohio. A Rockfest in Kansas City. A PDX Pop Now! thing in Portland, Ore.

Some really small tiny slim event known as A Virgin Festival. That’s in Maine. Like that would be in California, right? And anyone bored can always partake of TomBIGbee River Jam, which is in Silas, Ala., a hamlet where they’re glad to see anybody — even northerners.