The Daily Squib has 1000’s of Chinese sofas to give away to lucky competition winners, so if you want to grab one of these wonderful sofas get calling. Remember you’ve got to be in it to win it.

The sofas come in all shapes and sizes and will brighten up any living room, especially when you’re rolling around in agony with chemical burns over 80% of your body. You may even find that you will have trouble breathing as the chemicals get into your lungs or how about the agony of the Dimethyl Fumarate (DMF) agent getting into your eyes. The Chinese chemical sofas are also good at giving you skin cancer.

“Chinese mass produced goods are always soaked with these chemicals because it is a cheap alternative to expensive packaging. They’re selling the sofas to the UK so there is no need for regulation because they know there is no comeback. Everyone’s happy then, the Chinese who make huge profits because they use communist slave labour to create the cheap and nasty product and the British distributors like Argos and Land of Leather who sell for huge premiums. The only losers are the poor sods who buy them and sit on them, but that’s easily glossed over like everything else is,” Trading Standards officer, Luke Minstrel, told Reuters.

We’ll be giving away tens of thousands of these sofas which will also come with a chem suit so that you can sit on the bloody thing.

To enter the competition answer this question:

What chemicals are usually found in toxic Chinese children’s toys?

a)high levels of lead

b)1,4-butanediolc)cadmium and lead

Call 0969 666 666 with your answer to win a Chinese sofa. Calls will be charged at £34.23 per minute. You do not need permission from the bill payer so get calling now.

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