Deadpool Quotes Are So Meta

An article as much fun as a sandpaper dildo.

Photo: 20th Century Fox

For a movie about a smeared, not-so-known comic book character it was truly miraculous that Deadpool became the highest grossing R-rated movie of all time globally. The theatrical edition of the story of a wise-cracking anti-hero had to be something special to gross $783,112,979. Well, the passion project of Ryan Reynolds had the best laughs-per-minute ratio of any recent movie, putting a lot of high-profile straight comedies to shame, and that’s why Deadpool quotes are so great.

And the star of them is logically Deadpool, either while wearing the suit or while still being Wade Wilson.

“From the studio that inexplicably sewed his fucking mouth shut the first time comes five-time Academy Award viewer, Ryan Reynolds in an eHarmony date with destiny. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you… me! Deadpool.”

“I know right? You’re probably thinking, ‘Whose balls did I have to fondle to get my very own movie?’ I can’t tell you his name, but it rhymes with Polverine.”

“This is confusing. Is it sexist to hit you? Is it more sexist to not hit you? I mean, the line gets real… blurry!”

[to Colossus] “Yeah, it’s me, Deadpool, and I got an offer that you can’t refuse. I’m gonna wait out here, okay? It’s a big house. It’s funny that I only ever see two of you. It’s almost like the studio couldn’t afford another X-Man.”

[to Colossus] “Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners at the Neverland Mansion of some creepy, old, bald, Heaven’s Gate-looking motherfucker… on that day, I’ll send your shiny, happy ass a friend request!”

“Whatever they did to me made me totally indestructible… and completely unfuckable.”

“Now, I’m about to do to you what Limp Bizkit did to music in the late 90s.”

“You’re probably thinking, ‘My boyfriend said this was a superhero movie but that guy in the suit just turned that other guy into a fucking kabab!’ Well, I may be super, but I’m no hero. And yeah, technically, this is a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that’s exactly what this is, a love story. And to tell it right… I gotta take you back to long before I squeezed this ass into red spandex.”

Photo: 20th Century Fox

“Looks ARE everything! Ever heard Dave Beckham speak? It’s like he mouth-sexed a can of helium. You think Ryan Reynolds got this far on a superior acting method?”