Thursday, March 27, 2014

Funny thing is the people you lease expect are some of the ones on the same exact page as you. I woke up this morning on the WRONG side of the bed, in a horrible mood, and even after my cry in the shower I still wasn't feeling today. So I pulled my brand new Calvin Klein dress out the closet put it on fluffed all 6 inches of my newly grown hair, beat my face and got in the car to head to work. The ride was terrible. Nobody understands unless you have gone or are currently going through an illness like cancer. Today is not my day, and although I walked into my office smiling I honestly just wanted to be back home in my bed under my covers hiding from the world. Yes, for all you smart asses out there I know hiding under the covers won't make my cancer magically disappear, however it always makes me feel better even if it's only for a little while. Just then in the nick of time I was reminded i'm not the only one.

Contrary to my own belief cancer does not have a personal vendetta against me. Cancer hates EVERYBODY! I was reminded by one of my peers that is at the same point I am, She reminded me I am the strongest solider. These trials and tribulations I go through are not pointless and although I keep getting knocked down, I keep standing back up. No matter how long it takes I STAND BACK UP! Life is hard regardless, and it's not going to get any easier. The one thing I have realized that my life is so amazing it's clearly being targeted by the devil. Your probably reading this with your eyes wide open now, just level with me for a moment folks. I've realized that I am blessed beyond measure and somehow someway the Lord keeps blessing me.

Each time more abundantly then the time before. Sometimes I wonder why or how, but he does. My prayers get answers, not always the answers I want but they get answers. Knowing that they're the answers from God I know they're the right one. Now if you saw all that happening wouldn't you want that good karma. I'm convinced the devil wants to steal all my good karma so he can get back into heaven... okay I'm reaching now BUT I clearly have something he wants. The Lord is most definitely on my side. By now I know its cliche but God really does give his strongest all the burden. I've accepted the fact that I am crazy now thanks to cancer and chemo my brain is fried. Somehow I am very sane. I have received clarity from many things, situations, and people and I can truly say I have been blessed with what I have. To my friend with the kind words remain encouraged this battle we fight is not one that can be fought alone.

Thank you for standing with me on my fight and know our blessings are coming for our faithfulness and patience. Lastly when you have everything taken from you then and only then you realize what really was important and what never was. Wine was always important, Stress never was.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

The entire month of February has royally sucked. I have had no time for any type of sanity or personal time and feel myself being stretched so thin. I really don't think anyone realizes how much sleep I need and rest and I need. I think most people including myself believe that I can just run the streets rapid and nothing will happen to me.

Being a sickly person is irritating in all perfect honesty. Yes, I know what your probably thinking. If she's so tired then why don't you go to sleep or get some rest. It's much easier when I run myself into the ground, I don't have to think about my life issues. I can put a lot of things behind me. I really don't know why I feel this way all the time but sometimes it just makes things easier. I probably sound extremely redundant but who knows.

I need a break, I really need a break from my life, my health, my friends, my family. I know it sounds bad but I really want to crawl into a hole and disappear.