JACKSON: I ate one GMO and now I’m gay

Ever since the day I was born I have been completely and totally heterosexual. I’ve always loved men, boys, dudes, and guys. That is, until three months ago, when my life was turned upside down by a genetically modified organism–a GMO.

It started out like any other Thursday afternoon.

I was grocery shopping at the Super Saver on 48th Street looking for some hot deals in the produce section. I had received their ad in the mail and saw that fresh Roma tomatoes were $0.66/lb and not a goddamn thing was going to stop me from such a reasonably priced produce item.

I picked up four pounds of the tomatoes, along with an assortment of pastries and left the store with a sense of fulfillment that little in my life brings me anymore.

Later that evening, I sat down to a beautiful dinner of tomato paste and doughnuts that I had labored on for hours. Nothing felt out of the ordinary at the time, but little did I know this would be the last night I had on this earth as a heterosexual.

I woke up the next morning with a strange feeling in my stomach. Something in my blood felt a little different and I had an overwhelming urge to cut my hair off, buy a bunch of flannel, and purchase my first stick-shift.

As I walked around campus that day the men, boys, dudes and guys no longer caught my eye.

By the end of that night, I found myself at The Alley, Lincoln’s premier club for young gays.

After realizing what was happening, I checked myself into the hospital where they immediately diagnosed me as gay.

The first question the doctor asked was if I had recently ingested fresh Roma tomatoes from Super Saver that were on sale that week. I said yes, and he broke the news to me that the tomatoes had been recalled. He told me they were GMOs and that they had caused a confirmed six cases of gay in the Lincoln area.

I was number seven.

The three months since my diagnosis have been a living hell. My presence at family events can make my relatives gag. I’ve had to invest all of my savings into tips at drag shows, and I can’t stop talking about Tegan and Sara.

It’s too late for me, but I wanted to share my story to encourage others to live a GMO-free life.

Maybe GMOs are cheaper, maybe they taste and look a little better than their non-GMO counterparts. But in the end, they come with biggest price tag of them all: an eternity in hell.