The world has already witnessed the different phases and faces of love, this one is also among them yet bit different, actual and thoda filmy. Not because that it will going to be a legend or a tale. Nah…. its all because of the characters, the lives, the destiny and quest of the heart involve in it and its true love who will lead the different ways.

Yes, its a story of my friend, a very close friend who is alive. But do not exist !! Silent, shy, true at heart, honest, non-ladkibaaz , and a closed book- hard to open. These are the primary words to introduce my friend and the precious thing he wanted in his life was that he should never ever change from inside, what he is as a person.

Silent, shy, chashmish, non-vulgar like other boys at that time, innocent with “whole life, single network” theory (that he used to say about himself which simply meant he was one girl man). These are the words that describes him, when he fell in love for the first time in 7th standard, after having two small, unsuccessful and one sided crushes in fourth and sixth standards. He fell in love with an angel (for him she was), a childhood friend since nursery. This time actually the feel was different. And he was assure of it that it is love, his love. 13 was his age, when he just stepped into the teen-series (the time, when two pages of science were revealing the truth about how human baby comes into existence to us, he was surrendering himself into the ocean of world’s best feeling which was way independent of external beauty). And like 90% cases, it was one sided but it didn’t bothered him much. Staring her, making her smile, absorbing colors of her life was his daily focus and routine in the class. There is one more thing about him that he had so much faith in God because according to him, “Khuda toh humarey dil mei hi hai yaar, toh unse kuch bhi kehna hai toh man mei hi bolo , sun lengey, Mandir –Masjid compulsion nahi hai”. And seriously, it used to work for him.

Days passed, months passed, years passed.

Even his love was attaining new heights and the frame of his imagination of seeing himself with her in future, was growing. He never showed to her, he never expressed to her and was waiting for the right time to say (when the whole universe can bless them for their love) so that it should not harm their friendship and ruined her smile. The only person who knew about his each and every move and feelings was his ‘upar wala connection’(god). Whenever he used to pray, one blessing definitely used to come for her that she always remain happy, his love gets stronger day by day and hope she’ll love him too( all accompanied by a drop of tear).Yes, a tear. Because the story did not had a smooth track. There was a jerk in our class, whom he hated the most till date and same was the case from the other side also. On the contrary, they were really good friends for the world and yes, he was a villain of this tale. My friend always had a fear of seeing his angel, his love, his life with that jerk, not as friends but something else and that fear was gifting him the pain and more pain.

After three years of love, he moved to the new school with the unsuccessful and regretful effort of telling her the heaven of love which he had created for her. For another two years (11th and 12th), there was a drought in this journey. Two different schools, different friends groups, talks became less and more less. But our hero kept on loving her, caring for her, praying for her.Though his heart was asking for her every single moment.

Then his life took a new turn in a new direction and after his schooling, he left for a new city, new world to build up the correct path of his destiny, of his career with true love in heart and vision of dreams in eyes. There, texting was the only source, of being in touch with her, and sometimes calling. And that “sometimes calls” always awarded him with a sign of relief, a smile, sitting miles away from her. Ups and downs, downs and ups continued. The most uncertain thing of this love track, what I feel, was that a lot of things were happening around my friend’s side – love, pain, desire, imagination etc. but on the other node, she didn’t even had a clue that to what extent someone loves her, without demanding the same in return, without even complaining that he is not getting his share of love. It was like the scenario of Marine Drive, one side gives you the noise, hulchul, spark of the city and on the side of face, there is calmness of the sea, silent and irresponsive. After five and a half year, it was not affecting him much because usne uski absence ko hi apni aadat bana liya tha. After six years of his one-sided love, he got to know that yes, she is in relationship with that same jerk. It disheartened him, disaapointed him but the damage was less, than it could have !! That meant, there was something different happening in his six years journey of love.

Simply, the reason was that the love, he was keeping safe within his heart, was fading away and the strong connection, this love has built up, was losing his strength but somehow our hero was not accepting it, not admitting it. This was the turning point of this tale and just after the two months, something happened that finally gave an exit door to his angel, the way that helped her to escape out the pure love which she was missing out. He got to know that whatever he texted her, he shared with her, she used to tell everything to that jerk!!! And it broke, it broke his trust (for him trust is the most important thing for any relation, for any love-thing, just like wheels for any vehicle).

And she went, completely and abruptly. Her departure, after accommodating his heart for almost six and a half year, was not even hurting him much. Why? Why he was not heartbroken, when his heart again became empty? When his frame of imagination was shutting down? Why !!!

Because, this is not the story of him and that angel .It is a story of our Mr.True Heart ( him) and another girl, a girl who is the actual love of his life ,who is the life of his love, who is the realisation of his inner soul, who is the mirror image of him, who is everything for him, who is a girl, a simple girl not any angel.

Silent,shy, both extro-introward, beautiful, true at heart, a closed book- hard to open. Now, these are the words to introduce the leading lady of the story. You must have read the same words in someone else’s description. Yes, they both were same , with almost equal perception towards life, towards love. Even she didn’t believed in explaining and shouting everything ,what she has inside her, to the people made up of wax. Because there was no point, of making people understand what you have inside when they can’t get it. Its like explaining C++ programming to an Arts student !!! Aur waise dekhaa jaaye toh , it is a most common chemical property of the people who are silent from inside, shy and believe in actual love(no aaltu-faaltu time pass), just like both of them. And as SRK said in Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna, “ Do Ajnabee, Ek haalaat, Fir dosti, Fir Problem solved”, so it happened. Destiny had planned their meet. Initially she was friend with his another friend( though all three of them were in same ‘palace’(college)). Then ‘thoda thoda wala’ talks started, slowly. Just few days later of their meet, she called him up for the first time in college regarding some work( that reveals she already had his number). But it hardly took ten seconds to save her number in his cell. Then what, most fastest form of communication of today’s date started between them – Texting. Today, our youth considers texting and facebooking more powerful than nuclear bombs or U.S Dollar value, trust me. Bas fir kya, the number of messages increased per ‘hour’ and gradually, the length and the understanding grew stronger and more stronger as exactly what spinach used to do with Popeye !!

Keep staring the blank screen for reply boosted up the unbridled urge within them, nights were more dedicated to the calls and listening each other’s voice than their works. It was then, when he somehow realised that she is exactly the one what he is. Let me tell you one thing, it was the time when he was in love with that angel only. She(the girl) was just a friend then but he had no control over his talks, over his waiting for her reply. And the actual scene was, “Din raat message and call par baatein, and when they meet, nothing to say”. It was then when he got to know from sources that she likes him a lot. The strange and unique thing happened, she was the first person whom he said everything which he never told to anyone(refer to the chemical property, I mentioned earlier), even about his love for angel. And then, suddenly, a great confusion striked his mind and heart. When he used to imagine himself with his angel in Teri Meri Prem Kahani( Bodyguard) song, the images of her (the girl) used to blink in his eyes and then he had only one thing to say “What the F is happening” . But this confusion did not troubled him for much time, because after a while he got his answer when that ‘trust-broken’ incident happened with him and angel and she vanished from his heart without hurting him much as someone else has already occupied his heaven and he was unaware of it. Slowly slowly , both of them were like cardiograph for each other and their heart started expanding and contracting rhythmically on each other’s voice. When he used to talk to her in the night, an unidentified current used to run across his body which never happened earlier and then after all the laughs shared, singing songs, building trust and dropping tears, while their night calls, he found some actual and factual meaning out of it, that- “ Yes, he is in love again, more true, more actual and the one his heart was waiting for”.

Aag toh dono taraf hi lag rahi thi par doosri taraf scenario thoda alag tha. Let me tell you a short brief about her side. She was a very sensitive girl by heart and her heart has the thirst of actual and permanent love . Her heart was already broken twice, before she met him. But the second one, left her with lots of pain and loads of tears and she was not sure whether she had stopped loving him or not which made her heart stiff like a stone and was acting as a barrier for true love and the only thing she wanted was that it should come directly and selflessely from heart, not forcefully. Thats why she was confused about allowing her to love someone or not and our hero knew all this thing at the same time. Par…

“Pyaar ki in boondo ka bhi apna mukaam hota hai,

Aur us mukaam mei inkaa apna jahaan hota hai,

Jahaan nayi hasratein milti hai, naya jeevan khilta hai”

One night, what exactly they felt, was shared with each other but in a indirect context (on call) and then she told him that things would be more easier to understand and discuss, if they get direct. Then and there, he decided to tell her what his heart was shouting, what she wanted to listen but not because of, he don’t wanted to repeat the mistake of waiting like last time but only because, he wanted to break the barrier within her, fear of getting pain so that she can fly freely out of all boundations and her weak heart can rely upon someone’s pure love which will soothe her wounds and will not harm. The very next morning they both met at their place (adda) away from the place they live where the sky, the rain, the air loved their presence and then finally, under the open sky, in front of big mountains, in fresh chill of the morning, after taking two hours to reach the main motive, after singing songs (suiting the situation), after dropping 2-3 tears, he said it, very bravely( sarcasm) in ‘shudh hindi’ –

“Mai (3 minutes pause)….Tumse(2 minutes pause)….Pyaar(1 minute pause)…… Karta hoo” and then a sign or relief flowed across him, he was happy that he said it finally to someone, someone he loves beyond the limit, for the first time in his life. Though she didn’t uttered anything in return except showing a great sign of shyness and going pink faced !!! And he knew this already as she was not conformed yet (though her situation was travelling on the same track, that she’ll express the same, very soon) and he had no issues with that.

“Wo mohabbat hi kya, jisney deewangi ka aasma nahi dekhaa,

Aur wo izhaar hi kya jisney unki aankho ko nam nahi chodaa”

Uske baad toh unki zindagi ka rukh kuch aur ho gaya tha, unki baato mei pyaar jhalakney lag gaya tha, aur unki aankho mei ek alag hi chamak bikharney lag gayi thi.They were now moving freely, meeting more gladly and walking down the streets holding hands, fingers into fingers which gave a special and mesmerizing warmth to him. And they didn’t shared anything of their story with anyone around them, as both of them were waiting for her ‘inner call’ first. When he hugged her for the first time, he realised from the deep core of his heart that she is the one, the LOVE of his life, meaning of his soul and what he was missing out in his life and he don’t have to hunt for it now anywhere else and on the other hand she was still confused, but on the edge of the conformation.

BUT. His destiny had the same game to play in her mind like last time. After sometime, the girl was losing internal connection with herself, something spiritual and told him also. This lost connection within her was somehow restricted her from confirmation level.

On one random day, she was not well and was not talking properly which randomly randomized my friend’s mind and mood and in night, he showed his anger on one call and was crying like a kid on the second one, which was a really puerile thing and made her think something different that night, suddenly it again started worrying her ki jo pehley huaa hai, kahi wo phir se toh nahii…!!! The fear of losing someone again, of experiencing the pain again, and of gathering the strength, if it will be required. All such thoughts gave her the answer which she didn’t wanted, gave her the confirmation which she was searching for but in a reverse direction and out of all her control and will, she had to run away. Suddenly, things became weird and unexplanatory to both of them. The prime victim of the situation, my friend, was not even able to judge what is revolving around. Usey ye lagta raha ki aisey hi chota mota kuch ho gaya hai, ho jata hai yaar kabhi kabhi, jald hi theek ho jayega aur aisey hi waqt nikalta raha aur wo ussey puchta raha ki kya huaa hai? Kyun aisey ho raha hai? But he was unaware of the dark storm which was covering their calm love with great strength. He kept on asking, kept on behaving the same and kept on expecting the same, which they used to be in their good times but it was all bouncing back in the opposite angle and it started irritating her, frustrating her and wanted him to let her go. She had one problem( according to her), that if any person gives or shows her love and she is not able to return the same, she runs away from that person and situation without her will even if she don’t want to and also had one weakness also(that according to him), she thinks that she is strong, independent and can fight all odds of her life on her own, but she was not, she was very weak from the deep inside.Two months, then three months passed, and the situation became more worse, more mysterious. He had no idea that whats happening and why is it happening after everything going well, as a result he was into a restless and helpless mode. A time came, when she didn’t even wanted to see his face, don’t even talk. The flame, the sear within him became huge and he was burning into it every single second.

“Kuch unkahee thi, baatein do baatein, kuch unsuni thi,

Kuch sahi si thii,kuch galt si thi,

Par insey nikalti wo aag, ek dard si thi, ek gehri jalan si thi”

A day came when they met, talked softly, many things happened, few things he got to know about what she was going through and on the conclusion, she said that let just be normal, as in normal friends, no ‘pyaar shyaar’ thing !!!! In the whole phase of their journey, from start of love to this confusion, he always taken the step which she wanted and which gave comfort and happiness to her. But this time, was it that much easy to bind up everything within himself, when destiny was again kicking his ass and heart more harder, when his heart was again drowning in the black darkness of pain, was it that much easy? He still agreed for doing that, just for her so that she don’t have to run anymore. But even that did not worked out.

Days passed, months passed. Kabhi unki dostimei bhut achchaa daur ataa, toh kabhi hud buraa. Sab ekdum properly phley jaisa ya phir normal, ho nahi paya. He daily used to pray to his upar wala connection, that something happens so that she can return. He tried every method to get her back; showing more love, didn’t melted her and ignoring her, didn’t affected. But he still used to call every night, though receiving was not surety, then talks become less, replying become more less and meeting were negligible. He was helpless as never before and was absorbing so much pain which none of us can’t even imagine. It was like hundreds of nails were penetrating the every inch of his body. His heart used to scream so badly that even whole universe can listen it but no one heard it, not even his God , the only one who knew everything what was happening, but neither he responded. He started losing himself to a place which is unknown, a place from where he don’t know how to call back himself.

“Teri meri mohabbat ke saaye mei toh tanhaayi bhi naseeb nahi hoti,

Par tere do alfaazo ke intezaar mei toh meri innayat jalti hai”

The only option he was left with, was to feel the pain in its severe form and fight it t save the love within him and to shed lots and loads of tears everyday before sleeping. He slowly started becoming a sullen.And this was his strong love, true love which was not quitting. He was not getting restless because of not getting love in return, but it was due to the situation in which their trustful, understandable and reliable friendship was leaning on the mountain of difiiculties and confusion – in what state they are? What is the actual meaning of their relation? Is this friendship, weird friendship or just a painful phase? Now, before that girl becomes the villain of this story, let me defend her that even it was not her fault either. She already came running from her past and was somehow not able to get over it, not by her will, as it was pinching her in breaks. She was weak, unanswered to herself. Then how will she able to explain my friend when she herself was struggling in the ocean of pain which has not left her completely since it broke last time, though she thought it went, but it didn’t. She still cares for my friend, worrries for him but just do not know how to help him. All this clashes of different thoughts has filled her with a calm wrath and do not know how to get relieved from it. So, thats simple, how can she handle so many things together when she is not able to fly freely out of her boundation of heart. The really praising thing of her was, that atleast she was honest and clear and did not made the fool of him by doing false promises. No, it was not her fault !!!

“Koi waqt ke aagey haara haara saa,

Koi pyaar mei firtaa maara maara saa,

Dil ke rishton mei, uski raaho mei kyu dard hamesha milta hai,

Aur kyu kaanto par hi phool sukho ka khilta hai ”

And here is one of the page of his diary, which he wrote on the day when the last time they met (not end walaa last), few days before…

“And it was the day when she was leaving the city for some other place for some time, some months. A day which came after unpleasant fifteen days. Those longest fifteen days which came as a compensation of a night. A most soothing night which I spended just talking to her, staring my winsome love,a night, when I felt that these 5 months of severe pain and sear never existed for that moment and with the intution which was striking me again and again from inside that these ‘golden hours’ will not come free of cost, I’ll again have to pay for it, like always. And you know what, I was right !!!

So, meeting her today was like that someone has asked US President to meet at the cafe!!! She was in a hurry (or not) and was denying to meet, still I managed to reach her house to bid her a goodbye with something in hand and just wanted to know( without bothering her much) ,what suddenly has happened, out of my knowledge, that we were this way for half of the month as I won’t be seeing her for quite sometime. But as you know, nothing happens which I wonders and she came out of her house in a hurry and with just one word – BIE, she left, leaving me with some answered questions, with ‘some watery substance’ (dunno wat !!) in my eyes, with bleeding soul and I kept staring the way, her car was leading away and then, I was broken really hard for the first time, just like the pieces of a mirror, even if they are joined altogether, the cracks will not leave their marks until excess of cure is given and love is poured over.Sigh …..can’t write now”

After seven months, he is still fighting the pain, the flame inside and saving his love and his suffocating heart where still one name accommodates, her name.He just weep, deep inside and left with only one option that is just scrolling up and scrolling down her messages; messages of love, messages of understanding, messages of her anger, messages of pain.He lie shattered, damaged beyond repair. He awarded himself with LOSER, the one who loved twice purely and in return, didn’t even got a single drop of it since past 7 years. The constant person which he never wanted to change has lost somewhere. Now, his smile is artificial, laugh is spurious and his presence at anywhere by heart is negligible. But the strange thing is that, after so much of hurt, he never regretted why he fell in love with someone who burned his soul completely. Nah….because he knows that it was him who loved her beyond far extent with his will, his choice, she didn’t told him to do so. The only thing that triggers him is the misconception she had about him that ‘he cannot understand her’, but thats not true, he always did. Thats why he is still loving her, caring for her, keeping himself away from her only for her and praying for her that her heart can break the barrier and learn how to love freely.

The moment I understood this story, I realized that it has to be penned down. After experiencing a lot, he still have the audacity to say, “Ye kahaani khatam nahi huyi hai, Bas adhoori reh gayi hai…..”. Where? From where, these kind of people comes in this world, where time passing, faking love, making countless boyfriends and girlfriends, making out for fun, break ups then patch ups then again break ups and still moving on and making new ones, has become the religion of today’s youth. From where these people get courage to love someone purely and truly without any demand; On one side, after getting so much of pain and not experiencing love from other side for even once, he is still loving her and promiseto continue the same forever and on other side, the actual and true love is at her door but she is not melting away. Its just she wants to love someone from the heart with the inner call, not forcefully by seeing, that might be him or someone else. Sigh. I do salute these two souls and want to praise them, and may their destinies gets a common destination.I am really thankful to my friend for allowing me to share this untold story of him.

This was the story of my friend, whose destiny of love ruined his true heart, who lost himself in searching something else. Yes, a story of a friend, very close friend who is alive, but do not exist. I will end up with the lines, he wrote –

Shout Out:

Like this:

It was a full moon night and as I walked slowly down the street to my home, I couldn’t help but look up and admire the light that Moon reflected. I knew it wasn’t its own of course; science had ruined that part of wonder for me long time back. Nonetheless, it was worth standing there and watching the light shimmer on the leaves, casting a spell over everyone who cared to stop and see. But I pretty much had the Moon all for me tonight, as the street was clear, save for a street dog that had been born and brought up by everyone on our street. We called him Snowy. Not innovative, I know, but we all liked Tintin and his dog and the pup was too cute to be named Tiger or Roger or whatever tough name they give to their dogs; so Snowy was what we ended up calling him.

Anyways, back to the sky, I saw a cloud swiftly cover the Moon for a while and when it reappeared, it somehow seemed to send a smile my way and I winked in return. “Hey there! How’re you holding up?” I jumped with a girlish shriek and looked around for the source of the sound when it struck me. “God, you scared me!” I replied to the now grinning Moon. “And how I love it!” he said with that teasing look in his eyes I was so used to now. I smiled as I looked at him, loving the fact that my best friend had kept his promise. “Let’s see how much you love it when I get to you! Just wait a bit.” I replied, quickening my steps. “Always, sweetheart. You’re going to wrap up the year today, How can I miss it?” I smiled at that and two minutes and several deep breaths later, entered my home. Home. I love that word! The very sound of it invokes a feeling of being safe. It’s so sweetly welcoming, like mum’s lap, dad’s shoulder, someone’s arms. I shook the thought away as I rushed to the kitchen to take my daily dose of nice warm coffee with extra Chocó-powder.

As I started preparing it I recalled the night I had found my best buddy. Or rather, when he found me. It was a full moon night like todays, a few months back. I had had a crappy day and was blaming almost everything under the sun. A cruel disease had found his home at mine, family was falling apart, friends were struggling from their own problems and though the relationship had ended, I was yet to write those Dear John letters to my mind which kept going back to my love. It was 11p.m. and I was standing in my balcony which overlooked a park, obviously deserted at this hour. I had been crying for a while as the memories of the past few months flooded my mind. “Why!!” I had shouted in the air when the cold breeze tickled my bare arms, and then resumed crying. After a while when I had quieted down, I looked up at the sky and saw the Moon. I find it hard to explain it right now, but at that time I could have sworn I saw him smiling. I knitted my brow in confusion and continued to stare at him when finally he rolled his eyes at me. You don’t believe me, right? I didn’t either and so I turned my back and started to leave when suddenly-

“Hey! Don’t go!”

My heart skipped a beat and I slowly turned back around and looked down at the park for a sign of someone who spoke human. No one.

“I’m up here sweetheart.”

And my heart skipped a beat again as I looked up at him. “Are you talking to me?” I said in a tiny scared voice of a five year old. “Yes I am.” he replied sounding happy.

I backed off a little and said in a tinier voice, if that was even possible, “Wh-Why?”

“Because I want to” he said “don’t you?” he added softly. I was too tired to argue and too happy to finally have someone say that. “I guess…yes.” I replied. He smiled at that; “I have heard that before.” I smiled too as the memory of that good, good April morning came rushing in. “So,” he continued, “What can I do for my best friend?”

“You’re not my best friend!” I said rather indignantly.

He chuckled and said, “Okay ma’am, so what can I do to become your best friend?”

“umm…promise me something?” I said, feeling the corners of my eyes beginning to get wet.

“Name it.” he replied rather solemnly.

“Promise to stay with me for as long as you are in the sky?” I said softly with tears threatening to fall down my cheeks any moment.

“I promise you love, I’ll be your best friend even after the starsand the sky is no more.”

Tears gushed down at once and I covered the face with my hands. He watched me as I cried and a cold but soothing wind blew around me letting me feel his arms around myself, protecting me from every problem, every difficulty that I would face henceforth. And I felt safe once more. I closed my eyes and hid myself in his arms. “Don’t leave me please.” I said needing to hold on to the feeling. “I won’t …just won’t. So you take care okay? Because I’m there with you…always.”

And that was it. From that moment on, we became the best chums! Whenever I found myself alone, or in distress or just needed someone to talk to or be with, he’d come right away, scaring the hell out of me like he did today. Always standing beside me to rejoice with my success and holding me as I cried about my failures. Helping me come over the hurdles I faced in my path, listening to me as I chattered about my life. I smiled and breathed in the sweet aroma of hot coffee. Time to go and meet my best buddy! I took the large cup and a chair with me to the balcony and after making myself comfortable, glanced at the sky. Sure enough, my Moon was smiling at me. “So, what can I do for my best friend?” he said in his happy voice. I laughed at that “How do you always get to know what I had been thinking about?”

“You’re no Bella to me sweetheart, I can very well read your mind!” he said, trying and failing to mimic Edward Cullen. I smiled and took a sip from my cup looking up at him- “I bet you don’t know what I’m about to say.”

He gave a sad smile and quietly said, “I want to hear all about it, love.”

I took a large sip and kept the cup aside to begin my story.

“So, today was the first day of starting my resolution, my 11 months & 30 days old New Year resolution. Well, the slight delay wasn’t exactly my fault, it was one of the Seven Deadly Sins who did it; Sloth they call it.*sigh* Poor me. Anyways, so what was it that I had thought I’d accomplish by the end of this year? Ah, I had thought I’d do a lot. Don’t we all, in our heart of hearts? On 1st January 2011, I’d convinced myself of certain things that I’ll be working on this year. I was 18 closing on 19, so I’m not even counting losing some extra weight. It’s something that’s, you know, understood. Besides this, oh well, it was too much. And just the thought of it made me procrastinate again. It was like I had planned my whole life and how sure I was of everything. So sure that everything’s going to be just like I had planned. A perfect family with just the right health and happiness. Stupid but great friends who’d not call or text for a month but whenever they did, they’d be the same idiots who made life bearable. Considerable academic score which would satisfy at least me, if not my parents. (when has it ever, anyway?) So sure that the butterflies will continue to work their magic. So damn sure of the forever world, the world without an end. A world with no more pimples on my face… But that was before John Lennon entered my life. Uh well, okay it’s just his quote that did: “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.”

And sure enough, Life happened. It’s so weird when something so right goes so wrong. And more weird when everything goes wrong at the same time, like every goddamn thing! When I look back at it now, it sometimes feels so funny. There were times during that life-happening process when I cursed myself and God and everything between us and had that worried pathetic look plastered on my face, half of the time, not knowing exactly what I’d been worrying about. Every time I looked in the mirror for a second more than required, every time I stared at those eyes of mine for a second longer, they welled up with tears. God, I was so distressing. I was so confused, so shaken up. So full of questions. How could it happen? Why did it happen? What should I have done? Will it ever be alright again? There were times when I became so weak, begging from god to change it all. And there were others when I became a cold hard crass, hating people, cursing God.

But obviously it didn’t make any difference to what was happening in my life. Pimples continued to migrate from one cheek to another. And slowly I realized that our life is like the skin. At some places rough, at others smooth; always changing- wearing off with age and the work we do. Some with tough, hard appearance- capable to bear the harshest of weathers- while others, sensitive to even a rose petal with the morning dew. Some with birth marks, yet others with beauty spots. Purest, cutest and softest when new, getting more and more bruises as the time passes. Getting wounds of every shape, size and color, some that healed comparatively faster; yet others that left a big fat scar, stubborn to stay there till the very end. A part of it visible, a part hidden. Our skin has its own set of ‘scar tissues’; always on the healing process. Akin to Life, always moving on, to something new; whether we like it or not. While we draw on to band aids and antiseptics for the momentary relief from the cuts and blemish, we cling on to every possible thing or person to hold ourselves together. But both take their own time, their own course; not needing us, yet prodding enough to keep us going and at the slightest denial from our side, even resort to pushing us.

And soon I understood that well, I am not living in as bad a condition as I think I am. And if I don’t try and get out of this boring act of dying in self pity soon, I’ll remain stuck here forever. This forever, somehow, seemed to really have no end. So what did I do? It may appear like total shit but it sure helped me through it; stories. Ironical how fiction helped face the reality! Of course Life’s not as easy as it sounds. Life is like growing up over and over again. Like walking on all fours…careful till you start trusting your own feet and the ground below…and before you know it, the ground slips and you’re left toppling…on all fours again…a circle complete…still crouching and sniffing around for possible danger, avoiding puddle of water here and a steep pit there… the puddle that reflects your own self, the bruises that you suffered from your previous fall.

But you know the feeling when you think that what you’re going to do is right? And when people stop you from doing it and ask you the reason, or when you yourself question why you want to go with it, and all you can give as an answer is… “I just know”? Well, I learned to believe in it. I learnt to put my faith in that feeling, in that tiny little voice that said “I just know.”

And now, I close my eyes and look back at the year with a smile which is a little sad, a little happy, a little tired but full of belief. A belief that my future might not be picture perfect, but my life with all its blemishes, will be. A belief that like the sea, my life will bring back the love. A belief that made me set my New Year Resolution for 2012 in eight simple words: ‘I will live. I will not give up.’ I take that one extra second in the mirror; stare at my eyes and see the same girl, but with a slight difference. I’m still not a very religious person; only say a quick ‘Hi!’ to Him once a while but I have my firm faith that He, along with my grandma and cousin, is out there watching up on me. I still haven’t found the ‘brighter’ side of every thing, but I know that somewhere, there sure is one. At night when every thing is quiet, the voices of the past still rise up and engulf me in, but I know in my heart that morning is sure to come. I still have my questions, I sometimes still wonder why things happened they way they did. But now I know that when the right time comes, I’ll have my answers. Maybe I learnt it a little too late…Maybe none of it should have happened but regrets? That’s not me. May be I could have avoided it but then I know I wouldn’t have learnt it this well any other way. Because all through it, it was just me trying to get to another part of me. The pimples continue to haunt me, but I know that after some time, I won’t really care. Because life moves on; sometimes it really sucks but it does. And we all devise our own ways to align ourselves back with our planets. It is, as my English Professor once said, that we’re all just waiting to fit into our already set-moulds. Here, right now, I sit and work happily in my mould with my heart full of hopes and dreams till life jerks my mesh and sends me flying to another opportunity, another high in my life, another hope and I’ll take it as well, as if. And although I may not like this new mould, and try to fit in the one I like, stumbling upon from one wrong mould to another, I know that in the end, I’ll find the mould I fit the best in and wait till I’m settled in there with yet another story to tell.

I will still have my doubts, my moments of weakness, times when I’ll close in to my shell, times when I won’t understand myself and god and every thing between us, but even at that time when I’ll close my eyes, the little soft voice inside me will say “Shh…Shh…Everything’s going to be alright. I’m right here, with you. Always and forever.” And out loud I’d say, “I know, I just know.”

A cold but soothing wind blew around me as I finished my story, letting me feel his arms around myself once again, protecting me from every problem, every difficulty that I would face henceforth. And with my Moon, I felt safe once more. “I’m not leaving you dost…not now, not ever.” I closed my eyes and hid myself in his arms... “I know, I just know.” 🙂

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“Hey get out!!” I literary begged ….”I got the passes”. She peeked out, shampoo dripping of her face. And I brandished two passes in my hands. She almost hugged killed me. Five minutes later all dressed up we were haggling with an ‘autowalla’. Going to north campus meant late nights and since it was that day of the year. We were sure to get late and get into trouble with the warden. But who cared…

College fests were one most awaited thing in the university. A well deserved break after assignments submissions, tests, projects and sprinting after the deadlines. When the crowd go crazy and a good performer makes them go crazier…CROSSROADS: if you’ve spent three years of your life in Delhi university or are acquainted with any of them then this very word will bring back to you all the … waiting in queues…Buttering the SRCC friends…. ARRANGE the passes…getting crushed in the crowd…singing you heart out… days.

55 minutes later we were standing in front of the main gate of Shri Ram College of Commerce and this huge poster of ‘Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy’ furled outside. And so did almost a thousand people waiting.“Kill me” I groaned“Let’s try the hostel gate” but another hundred already had this idea. I clearly remember we cried ourselves hoarse shouting “SHERA!! SHERA!! Bhai let us in… see we have the passes” The hostel guard… we faced his atrocities… as he charged against us and pulled a few of the walls…But there is no way you can stop a college crowd especially if they’ve come for the STAR NIGHT…Few more minutes and we…as in the crowd brought down the hostel gate. As we ran toward the college ground, the guards and policemen came running after us. And after those crucial 5 minutes we realised that we were blessed to have escaped without any bloody souvenirs of the evening.

That evening I stood in the first row… in front of the bike displayed to the extreme right of the stage in case any of you remember… and for three hours we were mesmerized by the trio. We danced along… hummed along and when loy played the song ‘kal ho na ho’ on his keyboard we just closed our eyes and then it dawned on me that after a year I will be gone but this very moment will come back to me. The high point of my sanguine youth I don’t know why but this very thought made me and countless other cheerfully sad…That night when I came back we were ready to be shouted at by the warden but she just asked “where”… “Crossroads” we stuttered and I saw a faint smile cross her face… as she herself was a Delhi university graduate… and she dismissed us Few months later I met the Vice president of SRCC through a friend and the first thing I said was last year’s Crossroads was the best I ever attended and the glint that I saw in his eyes told the story of the hard work that went into it…With few months to go for my farewell it just dawns on me that the last three years were actually the best days of my life. Nothing compared to 17 years prior to them. I have grown in these three years and the zest and zeal of those FEST days are my most treasured memories that I stole with my friends from the otherwise disciplined Delhi university days…

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