Donald Trump Runs Out of People to Offend, Goes After Dogs, Cats, Trees

04/01/2016 03:23 pm ETUpdated
Apr 02, 2017

Following an unusually busy week of angering pro-life supporters, pro-choice supporters, Democrats, Republicans, journalists, wives, South Korea, Japan, and NATO, presidential hopeful Donald Trump has officially run out of people to offend. "I guess we just didn't pace ourselves as well as we should have," admits Trump campaign spokesperson/bookie Vince de la Vince. "Once you start out by insulting Muslims, you've already pissed off 1.5 billion people. So, the rest of your targets dry up pretty quickly, which is really unfortunate for us."

At a press conference in Wisconsin this morning, Trump took on new subjects, disparaging peat moss, rock formations, and trees, noting, "They're always in the way. When I get into office, I'll bomb the hell out of them." Next, he attacked a variety of non-human species, including small aquatic creatures, and flightless birds, insisting, "They're stupid. Learn to fly." He then ripped dogs and cats, complaining, "They're always running around humping each other, like some kind of animals" and insisted that all dogs and cats should be punished if they aren't spayed or neutered.

The Trump campaign issued a clarification of this last position, stating, "Mr. Trump meant that all owners of dogs and cats should be punished, regardless of spaying and neutering" and offered to pay the dogs' and cats' legal fees, should they have any. The Trump campaign later issued a clarification of the clarification, stating, "Mr. Trump has never heard of dogs or cats."