Ariana Grande, Girl, What Are You Even Talking About?

Human cupcake Ariana Grande has demons, a predilection for serial killing, the power of Kabbalah on her side, a Moon Man trophy after last night’s VMAs, no time for Katy Perry, and the showily soulful voice of someone playing Mariah Carey in a Broadway musical biopic. What she does not have, though, is the general ability to articulate her words when she sings. Someone I was talking to at a party this weekend described her as having permanent peanut butter mouth. That person is correct.

Ariana Grande’s sophomore album, My Everything, is out today, and, well, it’s no Pizza Hut. It’s more airport Sbarro with the most rubbery cheese that has ever been placed on a pizza or pizza-like food. That cheese is lodged in her throat.

Below are incomprehensible snippets from each My Everything song (sans the intro). Play along and try to figure out what the hell this girl is saying. She talks reckless sometimes, there could be good content in there if only we could understand her.

“Only 1"

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Sounds like: “Everliving, and a fairytale brings malice on my life / Thank you, it’s hard to believe / But the love you have is sadness, only mine” (Also sounds like: Michael Jackson’s “Heal the World”)

“My Everything”

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Sounds like: “’Cause it’s too much to bear / Without you / I lose sight of the cure / If I close my mouth / Just know I’m yours...”

“Just a Little Bit of Your Heart”

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Sounds like: “I know I’m nacho, olé!”

“Problem”

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Sounds like: “Havin’ a clown / Got no weight / I’m a shutter / I should be Liza / And realize that I cough.”