Discussions of Mental Health Issues for Gender Variant and Transgender Individuals, Friends and Family with posts by NYC Psychotherapist Ami B. Kaplan, LCSW.

Transgender Support Group.

Starting Early 2017. – Tuesday evenings twice a month.

This group will be of particular interest to those

figuring out how to proceed,

in early transition or

non-transitioning individuals.

Share your experience, hear from others, ask questions or use the group to gain some movement in areas where you feel stuck. There is no pressure to talk if you don’t want to – but all experiences are welcomed. Private practice office, village location.

Like this:

There’s a particular and profound type of stigma and derision in society aimed at femininity in men (or those who are perceived to be men). This stigma (it could also be called hate, aversion, distaste, repugnance) is very deep and very old in our consciousness, particularly among men. A man in a dress has historically been fodder for humor and entertainment in movies and in male-bonding rituals. There’s both an uncomfortable feeling and a forbidden fascination among men with seeing men outwardly showing their feminine side. Why is this so?

Let’s delve into the male psyche a little to find some answers. At some point in early development (around ages 2 to 4), the young (cis-gendered) boy must make a developmental leapin order to identify with his Father or as ‘male’. Psychologically (and unconsciously) the thinking goes like this: “I’m like you (the father), I am not like you (the mother)”. Hence there is a sort of rejection of the mother and specifically with her femininity in the nascent psyche of the young male. (Jessica Benjamin writes about this – see ‘The Bonds of Love’, 1998). And because this rejection happens in so young a psyche, it is correspondingly harsh and rigid and with little grey area. Femininity must be rejected in all its forms and additionally is seen as less than and dangerous. This is a perplexing and scary phenomenon for one so young. And as Yoda once said: “…fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate…” One could extrapolate from this that in some cases – this kind of dilemma in one with a weak ego or mental illness could lead to violence such as gay bashing or violence against transgender women. This, I believe is the root of pervasive stigma against men showing femininity and it could be argued that it is the root of homophobia, transphobia, internalized homophobia and internalized transphobia.

Previously I mentioned a ‘forbidden fascination’ with the feminine. This is so (I believe) because, in spite of the unconscious rejection, the young boy still loves and is bonded to his mother in the strongest possible way. The mother was his first love, source of all love and nurturance. In fact there was no consciousness that they were separate beings until a few months into his development. The love, coupled with the aversion is a cause of great inner turmoil and confusion.

Certainly when a man with these unresolved issues sees a transgender woman, these feelings bubble up – often without the man even knowing why. Hopefully things will improve with more knowledge about our own psyches and the nature of gender variance.

Raising Ryland is about a California family and their struggle and acceptance of their preschooler’s female to male gender transition. Written by the child’s Mother – Hillary Whittington – the book is at its best in chronicling the Parent’s struggle with shame that accompanies their having a gender variant child. Interestingly, this child presents an earlier parallel struggle as hearing impaired (completely deaf – with hearing restored by Cochlear implants). The parents first come to that realization in the book and deal with their shock, sadness, acceptance and treatment. The following struggle with Ryland’s Gender Dysphoria is fraught with much more anxiety and shame.

At first Hillary thinks “I have a tomboy for a daughter”. She goes through a phase of conflating gender non-conforming behavior with the idea that her (then) daughter might be gay. The father is concerned about explaining Ryland’s male dress to people around town. When true gender variance is acknowledged at last – the game “is on” as they say. And here Hillary is brave and honest with her foibles confusion and occasional successes. We cheer and groan along with her as she negotiates birthday parties, Kindergarten teachers, bigoted parents and LGBT award ceremonies. In one incident later in the book Ryland is presenting male at a softball game and has to pee. The coach – not knowing that Ryland is Transgender suggests he just use the bushes, but Hillary scurries him away to the back of their station wagon for an ad-hoc solution… Such are the challenges of protecting privacy vs, disclosure and decisions around when and how to disclose for both the parents and the child.

This book can certainly be helpful for other parents or adults with a gender variant child in their lives to know that others are struggling and have overcome similar feelings of uncertainty, anxiety and shame and have lived to see their child happy and flourishing as never before.

There are, however, a few problems with the book.

When Ryland needs surgery for hearing implants and the surgery date is months away the Mother–in-law calls the hospital to remind them of her many donations. A sooner surgery date is found – perhaps at the expense of a less fortunate child. The book is populated with many such examples early on of the in-law’s ability to solve problems with their wealth. For some the persistent and apparently unconscious class privilege might be off-putting.

But it is just this milieu of suburban Christian white middle class hetero-normativity, of never having been discriminated against or thought of as less-than for any reason whatsoever and suddenly finding yourself considered as “not normal” or “going against God” that will resonate with some readers and give them hope for their own family’s future. I have often found in my own therapy practice that the stigma around being Trans is harder on those who have never experienced stigma before.

It should be noted also that Ryland is an exceptional little boy in that he was able to express and persist in expressing his true gender identity in spite of his parents’ initial disapproval. Most children will take the parental hint and repress the gender non-conforming part of themselves until they are no longer able to do so. Some of these I see at ages 40, 50 or 60 in my practice.