Ok, here is the wrong way to do Edinburgh . . . dont head North simply to end up watching a dodgy comedian with an audience of about 13 and, most definitely, dont get your wallet nicked in a club afterwards.

And dont get offended when the cheeky thief leaves your prized suede jacket discarded at the side of the dancefloor because its too scruffy to steal. Or was that just me being paranoid?

But enough of my idiocy, after all, I could have done it differently and tried to see everything . . . a task that would have left me far worse off, probably with nervous exhaustion.

The Fringe Festival boasts a staggering 1541 shows across three weeks of this month. It would take four years and 143 days to see every performance back to back.

Last years Fringe was the most successful ever, selling a mind-numbing 975,110 tickets worth &#xA3;7,688,113. This year it will probably be more.