Teaching Confidencehttps://teachingconfidence.com
With confidence, everything is possibleTue, 22 May 2018 12:00:40 +0000en-UShourly1https://wordpress.org/?v=4.9.6Missed Opportunitieshttps://teachingconfidence.com/missed-opportunities/
https://teachingconfidence.com/missed-opportunities/#respondTue, 22 May 2018 12:00:40 +0000https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=1230Who among us hasn’t envied people who seem to have opportunity drop into their laps on an almost daily basis while the rest of us labor mightily to create opportunities to no avail? We wonder “Why not me? Why am … Continued

]]>Who among us hasn’t envied people who seem to have opportunity drop into their laps on an almost daily basis while the rest of us labor mightily to create opportunities to no avail?

We wonder “Why not me? Why am I not so blessed?”

You’re not going to like this answer. You are so blessed…you’re just not paying attention. Ouch!

The differences that exist between these seemingly fortunate people and the vast majority of folks is twofold:

They’re doing things to create opportunities.

They’re paying attention when they arise.

Let’s explore both of these in more detail.

Doing

There is a small percentage of the population that has a sense of entitlement. Consequently, they’re not doing things to create opportunities for themselves.

I doubt that many, if any, of the readers of this blog fall into that category. Most readers of this blog are continuously striving to become more caring, sharing, confident people. The activities they employ to achieve these goals automatically puts them into the opportunity creation mode.

Paying attention

For the vast majority of us it isn’t a matter of not doing the right things to generate opportunity, it’s that we’re not paying attention when it arrives. Often that’s because we’re focused so narrowly on a given goal that we don’t see other opportunities. Here’s an example to illustrate this point.

My parents were avid card players. My brothers and I became so as well. One of my brothers and I were partnered against my parents in a game of Canasta. It was a close game and each team needed only one card to win. We kept drawing and drawing to no avail. I was focused on drawing a queen knowing that it would win the game for my brother and I. My focus was so intent on drawing a queen that when I drew a card that would have won the game for us I discarded it. My parents picked it up and won the game.

This illustrates what we do all too often. We get so focused on something we want that we fail to see the other opportunities that present themselves. People who train themselves out of this natural tendency do appear to be blessed with more opportunities than the rest of us, but the reality is that they’re availing themselves of these opportunities while the vast majority of us are missing or dismissing them.

For you

A simple way to overcome this natural tendency…to open your eyes to possibility…is to, at the beginning of each day, plant this question into your subconscious mind “What opportunities are going to surface today?”

Your subconscious mind will be looking for them while your conscious mind is focused on accomplishing other tasks. As your subconscious mind alerts you to opportunities available to you, evaluate each opportunity by asking yourself the following questions:

What do I want from life…fame? fortune? a comfortable lifestyle and loving family?

Will this opportunity help me achieve that life?

How will availing myself of this opportunity impact my family?

How many people can I serve with this opportunity? Our value is based upon the number of people we serve.

Will this opportunity be available again in the future?

Your answers will help you make conscious decisions about which opportunities to purse and which to forgo. It’ll also make you aware of how many opportunities really do come your way. They are far more vast than you imagine.

For our kids

When you see the kids in your life expressing envy over someone else’s opportunities, use the tips above to help them see all the opportunities that have come their way. Then teach them to do this on their own by teaching them to tap into their subconscious mind. Finally, print a copy of the five questions above so that they use them to make more conscious decisions about which opportunities to pursue and which to forgo.

]]>https://teachingconfidence.com/missed-opportunities/feed/0Courage and Confidencehttps://teachingconfidence.com/courage-and-confidence/
https://teachingconfidence.com/courage-and-confidence/#respondTue, 15 May 2018 12:00:15 +0000https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=1226To me courage and confidence are two of the most wholly misunderstood words in our vocabulary. Courage When you think of courage what comes to mind? Soldiers who throw themselves on a grenade to protect their compatriots, people who jump … Continued

]]>To me courage and confidence are two of the most wholly misunderstood words in our vocabulary.

Courage

When you think of courage what comes to mind? Soldiers who throw themselves on a grenade to protect their compatriots, people who jump into icy waters to save someone from drowning, first responders who run into the very risks most of us flee?

Obviously these are all courageous people, but it’s not only these extraordinary acts that define courage. Someone who stands up to a bully, who tells her boss what he doesn’t want to hear, who lives her values despite being mocked and chided for doing so, are also courageous.

What few people realize is that each of us typically performs courageous acts multiple times a day. You perform a courageous act every time you try to help another. For, in reality, courage is simply caring for others enough to do what’s uncomfortable.

Soldiers and marines tell us that they fight less for an ideal than the welfare of those in their units. People who risk their jobs, friendships, family relationships, reputations trying to help others are expressing the same ideal. It’s the caring that makes these acts courageous.

True, some acts carry significantly more risks than others, but that simply means that courage (like many things in life) is a spectrum. That spectrum runs from potential loss of life and limb tobeing chided or ridiculed. Regardless of where you are on the spectrum, you exhibit courage when you risk something for the benefit of others.

Confidence

When you say that someone is confident, what do your really mean? Do you mean that they are confident in their abilities? Most of us would fit that bill. Indeed, each of us has skills and abilities that enable us to accomplish things without thinking about what we need to do. Our actions are automatic…we know what needs to be done and we do it.

Like courage, confidence is a spectrum. The spectrum ranges from things we do automatically because we possess the know how all the way to things that we tackle even when we have no background or experience. Some consider this latter part of the spectrum to be courageous.

While it can be, it isn’t necessarily courageous. It is, however, an expression of confidence. If I tackle something with which I have no previous background or experience, I’m trusting my ability to learn and adapt. That’s confidence. It only becomes courageous when I put the welfare of others ahead of my own.

So what does this mean for us and our kids?

For you

It’s important that you realize that every time you put something at risk to benefit another that you’re being courageous. Why? Because this lack of understanding is perpetuated in our kids. When we, and our kids, don’t feel courageous even when we are, we minimize our own self-worth and, consequently, our confidence in ourselves.

The way to avoid these effects is to take a few minutes at the end of the day to think about the times when you risked something, no matter how small, to help another. You’ll find that you not only feel better about yourself; you’ll feel more courageous, more competent and more confident. These feelings will manifest themselves in more positive dealings with others, which will earn you greater respect and appreciation.

Then you can teach your kids to live the same way.

For our kids

Each day ask your kids what they did to help another. When it involved a risk, congratulate them for being courageous. Then remind them that one of the reasons it’s courageous is that they did it to help another, not for the recognition they’re receiving.

You’ll find that the confidence your kids gain will enable them to perform more courageous acts each day and feel good about themselves for having done so.

]]>https://teachingconfidence.com/courage-and-confidence/feed/0Anticipation: Confidence Booster?https://teachingconfidence.com/anticipation-confidence-booster/
https://teachingconfidence.com/anticipation-confidence-booster/#respondTue, 08 May 2018 12:00:00 +0000https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=1215Can anticipation boost your confidence and make life more enjoyable? The obvious answer is “it depends.” It depends on what you’re anticipating. Let’s explore some common anticipations and how they impact us. Pleasant We need look no further than kids’ … Continued

]]>Can anticipation boost your confidence and make life more enjoyable?

The obvious answer is “it depends.” It depends on what you’re anticipating. Let’s explore some common anticipations and how they impact us.

Pleasant

We need look no further than kids’ anticipation of Christmas (including big kids like me) to recall what anticipating something something good feels like.

Of course there are a lot of good things in life that can create this kind of anticipation:

Date night with the love of your life.

A new job.

New challenges for those who like to test themselves.

Getting together with friends.

Your next vacation.

Your kid’s first steps…first words.

These are just a few of the things that we anticipate with joy and excitement. They inspire hope which boosts confidence. What we see are the good that will come when these events occur.

Unpleasant

Now let’s explore the emotions we feel when we anticipate something bad happening…things like:

Undiagnosed health issues…your’s or your kid’s.

Toothache.

Job insecurity.

Loss of a loved one.

Financial downturns.

Undiagnosed car problems.

Unwanted challenges.

Unfortunately, this kind of anticipation is accompanied by fear, anxiety and frustration. Not the joy, excitement, hope. and confidence that anticipating good brings. Indeed, when we expect the worst our confidence is shaken. We typically don’t have any idea how we’re going to deal with the situation we’re facing.

That’s true until you embrace the old adage “expect the best, prepare for the worst.” For when you prepare for the worst you envision yourself dealing with any situation you’ll face. You in essence remind yourself that you can deal with anything including news that you only have a few weeks or months to live.

Shifting mindset

You can readily understand feeling confident when you’re anticipating good, but you may be wondering how it’s possible to be confident when facing the worst possible news. Here’s a clue…control.

When you’re anticipating a problem it’s the uncertainty about what you’re facing that generates the feelings of fear, anxiety, frustration and helplessness. Once you know what the problem is and what options you have available to you, you move forward confidently because you know what the right choice is for you. It’s the uncertainty associated with the bad that you’re anticipating that shakes your confidence. So what’s the solution?

For you

There are several things that you can do to assure that whatever it is you’re anticipating adds to your confidence:

Stop judging things as good or bad. They are neither. They’re simply situations that have to be dealt with. When you feel yourself anticipating something “bad,” remind yourself that you have always been able to deal with anything that has come your way.

When faced with something “bad,” start listing the possible outcomes and what you plan to do in each instance. This simple act allows you to regain “control” over your emotions. In doing so you’ll regain your confidence. You’ll also find that the news, when received, has been anticipated and, consequently, is less devastating than it would have been had you not prepared for it.

Involve loved ones in the analysis. It will be as helpful to them as it is to you to formulate plans to deal with the various possible outcomes. They too will get relief from the fear, anxiety and frustration that all of your are experiencing.

For our kids

As your child’s confidence is shaken because they’re anticipating the worst, lead them through a discovery of the possible outcomes. Let them discover as much as possible on their own.

If they’re overlooking outcomes, ask them questions so that they can make the discovery on their own. Then ask them how they plan on dealing with each outcome.

After they’ve gone through this process and learned how much better (more confident and in control) they feel, they’ll continue the practice on their own. As a result they learn to s“expect the best, prepare for the worst”…and be confident in doing so.

]]>https://teachingconfidence.com/anticipation-confidence-booster/feed/0Persistence: A matter of confidence?https://teachingconfidence.com/persistence-matter-confidence/
https://teachingconfidence.com/persistence-matter-confidence/#respondTue, 01 May 2018 13:00:46 +0000https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=1210The post Persistence: A matter of confidence? appeared first on Teaching Confidence.
]]>Is it confidence that enables some people to persist while others quit?

We’ve all known people who won’t be denied and others who quit almost as quickly as they start. Is it a confidence issue or are there other explanations?

If you read last week’s blog, you know that I’m weaning myself off the cause/effect thinking. Instead I’m looking for ways to move forward without the benefit of understanding why things are as they are.

To illustrate this point, let’s look at plausible explanations for persistence or the lack thereof.

Confidence

It is possible that confidence plays a role in explaining why some persist and others give up quickly. The less confident we are the less likely we are to believe that we can achieve what we want. Our doubts are reinforced by the inevitable challenges that arise in pursuing any goal.

The converse is true as well. The more confident we are in our abilities the more likely we are to embrace the challenges we face as essential elements of the learning curve we must navigate to achieve our goal.

Desire

An equally plausible explanation for persistence is desire. It can reasonably be surmised that those who persist simply want the result more than those who don’t.

I can attest to that from personal experience. I’ve overcome some of my fears simply because I wanted to do something that required it. I’ve left other fears intact because they don’t prevent me from achieving what I desire.

Fear of failure

Still others persist because they don’t want to be viewed as a failure. They fear not only the loss of their self-esteem, but the admiration of others. They fear that a loss of credibility will limit their opportunities in the future. Consequently, they persist when the smart move is to move on. More often than not, people observing their behavior are wondering what drives their ill-fated behavior.

Conquering hero

Others persist because they want to challenge the limits of their own potential. Whenever they achieve a new personal best at whatever interests them, they feel like the conquering hero. Rightfully so. They have conquered previous limitations.

For you

You may be wondering what the purpose of this exercise has been. It’s to get you to stop thinking about which of these explains your current behavior and get you to start thinking about what will drive future behavior.

It doesn’t matter why you currently are or are not persisting in the pursuit of your goal. The key is to determine what will enable you to persist going forward.

Identify the things that enabled you to achieve earlier goals…goals that required you to persist for long periods of time. Ask yourself, do these elements exist for my current goal? If not, find a goal that does possess these elements.

If they do exist, use the knowledge that you possess everything you need to be successful and you’ll find it easy to move forward despite the inevitable challenges you’ll face.

That’s how you persist…without wasting time trying to figure out why.

For our kids

As you see your kids giving up in the early stages of their pursuit of their goals, don’t ask “Why?” Instead, ask them to recall a time when they weathered challenges and were successful in achieving what they wanted. Then ask them if these elements exist for them in their current goal.

You’ll help them make more informed, confidence-building decisions about whether to pursue or abandon a goal they’ve set for themselves. Persistence only makes sense when the goal is important to us.

]]>https://teachingconfidence.com/persistence-matter-confidence/feed/0Cause/Effect’s Impact on Confidence?https://teachingconfidence.com/cause-effects-impact-confidence/
https://teachingconfidence.com/cause-effects-impact-confidence/#respondTue, 24 Apr 2018 12:00:18 +0000https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=1200Sometimes the universe repeats its message until I finally get it…that’s the case with cause and effect relationships? Years ago I read a book entitled Rules for Radicals by Saul Alinsky in which he said: “…judgment must be made in … Continued

“…judgment must be made in the context of the times in which the action occurred and not from any other chronological vantage point.”

In essence he’s saying that we can’t judge prior acts (history) based on what we know today. What we surmise today to be the cause and effect may be, and often is, different than the cause/effect that existed at that the time.

In other words, whenever we look forward (project into the future) or look backward (attempt to explain history), we subconsciously fit the facts to accommodate our need to make cause and effect connections.

You may be wondering “So what?”

Bias blindness

In our attempts to “make sense” (cause/effect) of a situation, we incorporate our beliefs which removes objectivity from our analysis. This happens on the subconscious level which means we aren’t even aware of what we’re doing.

You can see evidence of this bias everywhere. For years I watched the Nightly Business Report and heard the commentators say “The market was down on profit-taking.”

I always wondered “How do they know? Who did they survey? Is it possible that everyone who sold made a profit?” The reality is that they were striving to explain a down market when they had little if any information available to make that determination.

I saw similar “reports” in the business press when they reported that a Fortune 500 company lost market share. They made the announcement without ever defining which market it was and whether the company should have been in that market to begin with.

How many “reports” have we seen that this or that food helps us lose weight or reduces the risk for cancer without ever indicating how the results were obtained or what quantity needed to be consumed to get that result. I recall being told that green tea is high in antioxidants and should be consumed each day.

What I discovered when I read the label on the inside of the box of green tea is that I’d have to consume at least 10 cups a day to achieve the level of antioxidants needed to produce the result. How realistic is that?

The problem with bias blindness is that we continue to make bad decisions and repeat them because we’re unaware of the bias we are blindly accepting. In other words, if the explanation makes sense we tend to accept it. Mistakes made, and often repeated, because of cause/effect assumptions ultimately have the effect of shaking our confidence. We find ourselves saying “Why bother, I’ve been wrong so often in the past?” I have not been immune to this sentiment.

So what’s the alternative?

Incongruity

The key is to look for incongruities. Look for differences between what people say they want and what they’re actually doing, what they believe and how they behave, their explanation and what you’re observing.

The stock market may simply be down…with no apparent reason at all. Implicit in market share headlines is the message that the company is struggling when in fact they exited a market that is no longer profitable which is precisely what they should be doing.

I’m sure that some of you are thinking, that’s a lot of work. It may be initially, but the more you challenge what you’re being told the easier it becomes until it’s virtually automatic. That’s when it becomes fun. You see how ridiculous attempts at defining cause/effect often are. This ability will not only enhance your influence, it will help you attract opportunities instead of pursuing them.

As you gain influence and attract opportunities, you gain confidence, act more confidently and enjoy greater success. That’s a huge difference from the result when we blindly accept others’ perceptions of cause and effect.

For you

When someone tells you something or you hear a “news” story with a cause/effect relationship, ask yourself “What other possible explanations exist? What you’ll quickly discover is that there are a number of plausible explanations.

From this insight you’ll learn that the cause isn’t important. What’s important is knowing how you’re going to deal with it now that it has occurred. The less time you spend trying to figure out why something happened and more time thinking about how to deal with it, the more successful you’re going to be.

It’s easier to adopt this mindset when you realize that you’re often wrong in identifying causes. I know how often I was wrong on the why and how much more quickly I am able to help clients get what they want when I focus on what to do rather than why something happened.

Train your mind to look for incongruities. It’ll help you identify what needs to be done. That’s what’s truly important…not the cause.

For our kids

Help the kids in your life realize that looking for explanations is natural, but counterproductive. Use questions to help them focus their attention on solutions instead of causes and they’ll quickly discover that they have the power to deal with anything that comes their way.

Their confidence will grow exponentially when they no longer worry about the cause and focus on getting a result.

]]>https://teachingconfidence.com/cause-effects-impact-confidence/feed/0Consistently Confidenthttps://teachingconfidence.com/consistently-confident/
https://teachingconfidence.com/consistently-confident/#commentsTue, 17 Apr 2018 12:00:09 +0000https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=1190A friend asked how I remain consistently confident when others are indifferent to my message. People in sales often ask the same question. They are befuddled by people they encounter, who can benefit from their offerings, but don’t seem interested. … Continued

]]>A friend asked how I remain consistently confident when others are indifferent to my message. People in sales often ask the same question. They are befuddled by people they encounter, who can benefit from their offerings, but don’t seem interested.

The key to remaining confident in these situations is recognizing that:

The market for your message, product or service is much smaller than you realize.

Success lies in alignment.

Let’s explore each of these in more detail.

Own best interest

I find it intriguing that we are astounded by others’ inability to see that something is in their best interest when we fail to do things that we know are in ours.

Who among us doesn’t know that we should eat healthier foods and exercise more, yet fail to do so? Who hasn’t sabotaged their savings plan upon seeing something that we “just have to have?” Or trapped ourselves into employments that stress us and make life miserable for ourselves and our families?

Yet we’re amazed when others do precisely the same thing.

This understanding is liberating. By respecting others' right to choose…and understanding that I don’t always make good choices myself, I am able to remain confident in my ability to provide assistance when it’s wanted. Which brings us to the second bullet point.

Logical vs. Emotional Acceptance

Over the years I’ve discovered that it’s easy to get logical acceptance for my ideas. That’s true whether I’m pitching a product or service, or trying to convince a loved one to make a good choice.

It’s difficult for people to argue against logic so they agree with us. But they won’t act upon our suggestion until they accept our message on an emotional level. Here’s a quick example.

In one of my confidence courses I teach people the value of an eclectic education and offer a simple, 15-minute daily exercise that makes it easy for people to develop the habit of learning about things that don’t initially interest them.

Logically they understand the value of getting an eclectic education, so they agree with me. Yet the idea of spending time doing something that doesn’t interest them repels them to the point that they rarely engage in the daily exercise.

In situations like this, what the person’s behavior is saying is that they’re not in enough pain to want to change. In other words, there’s no emotional reason for changing.

When people logically accept my advice but fail to act on it, I realize that they’re not ready emotionally to make a change. Knowing that enables me to remain confident while, again, accepting their right to choose not only whether or not to act, but when the time is right for them to take action.

No interest, no action

The eclectic education example above reminds us that where there is no interest, there is no action. I can’t begin to count the times people have told me that they needed to write a book to enhance their credibility in the market place, yet fail to start much less finish writing their book.

I’ve never been comfortable swimming, yet I learned to scuba dive because it was something my wife wanted to do and I wanted to share the experience with her. I’m also afraid of heights, yet have done nothing to overcome that fear. Why? Because I’m not interested in any activity (sky diving, bungee jumping or rock climbing) that require me to overcome my fear of heights.

I understand that simply because others have no interest in my ideas or offerings, doesn’t in any way diminish their effectiveness for those that do. This understanding enables me to remain consistently confident even when others aren’t interested.

Small market

It doesn’t matter what idea, product or service you’re pitching, the market is much smaller than we’d like to admit.

If you wonder why, employ this simple exercise. Think of all the people you could help with what you have to offer. Then subtract from that total, people who don’t want to do what’s in their best interest, who are not emotionally motivated to change, who aren’t interested in what you offer and you’re beginning to get an idea of how small your market really is.

As you come to realize that the market is really small, you get a better sense for who is and who isn’t interested in what you offer. This realization comes in the form of a psychographic profile of your ideal customer…people whose values, behaviors and characteristics mirror yours. That brings us to the next element, alignment.

Alignment

At the end of the day the only people you can help are those who share the values, behaviors and characteristics you possess…and are interested in making a change. These are the conditions in which you and they are going to be successful. If any of the elements are missing, the odds of being successful drop dramatically. Here’s an example to illustrate this point.

I have a leadership program that is designed for leaders who like to engage their employees in identifying new opportunities, streamlining processes and solving problems. These people and I are well aligned in our values, beliefs and the way we lead. When we work together great things happen.

Let’s contrast that with leaders who are autocrats or paternalists. I can’t help these managers because I don’t believe in their approaches to leadership. I’m an engagement style manager. That doesn’t make me right and them wrong, it simply means I can’t help them become better at their natural style.

I can’t help an autocrat become a more effective autocrat because I believe that dictating what employees should do and how they should do it is counterproductive. Similarly, I can’t help a paternalist be a better paternalist when I believe their tolerance of mediocre results deprives their employees of the joy that comes from achieving stretch goals.

Hence our greatest potential success lies in the small group of people who are aligned with our values, beliefs and characteristics.

For you

What does this mean for you? It means that others’ choices are not reflections on your skill or ability. Instead they are indications of the person’s readiness to make a change.

Armed with this knowledge you can, as I do, remain confident in your abilities while respecting others’ right to choose. It’s that simple.

The next time that you get logical acceptance for your idea, but aren’t able to elicit the action needed for the person to benefit from you idea, product or service, recognize that they’re not ready to make a change…and respect their right to make that choice.

For our kids

Let the kids in your life see you being unfazed by others’ choices…confident despite the fact that the other person isn’t taking your advice…and they’ll quickly adopt that mindset as well.

When you find them being “down” because they can’t get others to do what they want, remind them of the elements outlined above. Help them see that it isn’t their failure. Instead it’s simply the other person’s readiness for change…and their right to make that choice.

These simple shifts in mindset will assure that you and they remain consistently confident.

]]>https://teachingconfidence.com/consistently-confident/feed/2Problem Prevention: The missing piece?https://teachingconfidence.com/problem-prevention-missing-piece/
https://teachingconfidence.com/problem-prevention-missing-piece/#respondTue, 10 Apr 2018 12:00:46 +0000https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=1179When is the last time you thought about getting ahead of the curve…of preventing instead of fixing a problem? A natural tendency we all possess by virtue of our humanity is that we make the same mistakes over and over … Continued

]]>When is the last time you thought about getting ahead of the curve…of preventing instead of fixing a problem?

A natural tendency we all possess by virtue of our humanity is that we make the same mistakes over and over again. The one advantage of this behavior is that we become adept at fixing the problem because we have extensive experience creating and fixing it.

That’s the only advantage. The cycle of making a mistake, fixing it, becoming more adept at fixing it, then making the same mistake again, fixing it again, etc. robs us time and energy not to mention the financial and personal relation aspects of our mistake. All because we don’t think about how we can avoid the mistake in the future.

The missing piece

Problem-prevention thinking is the missing piece of the puzzle. The good news is that we can retrain our brains to think about problem prevention instead of problem fix.

The first step is always to be aware that you’ve made a mistake. While that seems obvious, there are times when we’re oblivious to the fact that what we’ve done has created a problem. You’ve had this experience. You say something to your love or a dear friend, they suddenly grow quiet and you wonder “What happened?” Fortunately, with most mistakes it’s painfully obvious that we’ve done something wrong and we need to fix it.

The second step is to recognize that our mind has shifted into the problem-solving mode…that we’re thinking of only how we make amends for our mistake. It’s at this moment that you need to shift your thinking to add the missing piece…to ask not only how can I fix this, but how can I avoid making the same mistake again in the future.

You’ll be amazed at how well “fix” behaviors lead to “prevention” behaviors. I was about to make this point at a program for senior executives of a large hospital when one of the execs said “Why are we constantly trying to fix bad hires? Why aren’t we screening for the values we desire?”

This perceptive executive was getting ahead of the curve…thinking about avoiding problems rather than fixing them. Given all of the statistics on the cost of bad hires, not to mention the stress and strain on managers and employees alike, why would you not want to get ahead of the curve? Yet that’s not our natural tendency.

You have to train your mind to overcome this tendency and to think automatically “How do I avoid this problem in the future?”

The third step is to retrain your mind. The simplest way I know is to, each morning, as you start the day, remind yourself that:

You are going to face problems…that’s life.

You contribute to every problem you face.

When you face a problem to ask yourself “How do I avoid this mistake in the future?”

For our kids

When you see your kids fixing problems, remind them that they have the opportunity to avoid the problem in the future…and all the pain and angst associated with it. All they have to do is decide how they’re going to change their behaviors to avoid this problem in the future. Then lead them through the process outlined above.

More importantly, lead by example. The fact that kids adopt the behaviors of the adults in their lives is no deep, dark secret. Live as you’d like your kids to live and they’re more likely to do so. That’s especially true when they see how well it works for you.

One of the best compliments I get is when students in my programs tell me that what they’ve learned helps them avoid problems…and gain the admiration of others for their ability to do so.

]]>https://teachingconfidence.com/problem-prevention-missing-piece/feed/0Limitations: Myth or Mystery?https://teachingconfidence.com/limitations-myth-mystery/
https://teachingconfidence.com/limitations-myth-mystery/#respondTue, 03 Apr 2018 12:00:35 +0000https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=1177Upon hearing me say that “with confidence everything is possible,” a college professor said “Preschoolers think they can do anything…build a rocket, go to the moon…then reality sets in.” His response reminded me of a nurse who expressed her frustration … Continued

]]>Upon hearing me say that “with confidence everything is possible,” a college professor said “Preschoolers think they can do anything…build a rocket, go to the moon…then reality sets in.”

His response reminded me of a nurse who expressed her frustration over being unable to get the parents of a child with disabilities to be “realistic in their expectations.” Her intentions were good; she wanted to protect the parents from the pain of disappointment.

As I pondered these comments, my eyes fell upon a book I had just been given. The book is On Fire by John O’Leary. I’d heard John’s story before. He’d had a horrific accident as a child. Not only did he survive, he’s thrived.

Myth

A myth is a story we tell ourselves that makes sense. All too often we embrace myths as reality.

This particularly true of people who are NOT experiencing what others are. We’re inspired by military veterans who, despite having lost both legs, run marathons. Other severely-wounded veterans lift weights I wouldn’t begin to attempt.

Yet we don’t realize that the limitations we presume for them are myths…fabrications of our imaginations. John O’Leary is an example of someone accomplishing what others thought impossible.

Daniel Gilbert, in his book Stumbling on Happiness, said that conjoined twins he interviewed said they couldn’t imagine a life without their sibling attached. They were happy and wouldn’t change a thing. Yet those of us who haven’t had that life experience quickly judge their lives unconscionable…yet another myth.

Nassim Taleb, author of Fooled By Randomness, said that we often draw erroneous cause/effect conclusions. In this instance, we presume limitations for ourselves and others based on what we observe. We assume that the limitations we typically see are reality. In the process we overlook all evidence to the contrary…the military veterans and John O’Learys of the world.

That’s why I’m suggesting that limitations we perceive are myths…fabrications.

Mystery

The truth is that none of us knows what is or isn’t possible until we try. In other words, what is or isn’t possible is a mystery. I can sit hear and say that I can’t run a 4-minute mile. The reality is that I don’t know because I’ve never trained with that goal in mind.

I can say that I’ll never run a 4-minute mile because I have no desire to do so. That’s accurate, but that’s not the same as saying I can’t do it. Consequently, whether I can or can’t remains a mystery.

People said that Russell Wilson, the quarterback of the Seattle Seahawks, was too small to play quarterback in the National Football League. In his first season with the Seahawks he took his team to the playoffs. In the second year, they won the SuperBowl.

The world-champion Williams sisters were told by their friends that they were crazy when they said they were going to be world-class tennis champions. It seems their friends were engaged in mythical thinking.

All of these examples have one thing in common, desire. John O’Leary, military veterans, the Williams sisters, Russell Wilson all have the desire to excel. They also know that no one is free of limitations, that those who desire something enough find a way to overcome their limitations.

My lack of desire to run a 4-minute mile will cause my ability to remain a mystery for the rest of my life…and that’s okay. If something isn’t important to you, that’s fine. Absent desire, even people as confident as I am won’t be successful because they are unwilling to invest the time and energy necessary to enjoy that success. But not because they are unable.

For you

The next time you feel yourself dwelling on all the reasons that you can’t achieve something you desire, remember that limitations are myths…that desire always overwhelms limitations. Even if you don’t reach the ultimate goal…a 4-minute mile…you’ll come much closer than you ever imagined possible.

For our kids

Kids experience all the same doubts, fears and anxiety we do. When you see them in that mode, when you see them accepting defeat because of some perceived limitation, help them evaluate their desire. If it’s there, cite some of the examples listed above or those from your own life. They need to at least consider the possibility of success. Once they open the door to that possibility, desire will take over.

If the desire isn’t there, help them realize that just because they choose not to do something doesn’t mean they are incapable of doing it. For, as you’ve seen, limitations are myths of our own creation. Mysteries only exist until we try…for it’s only then that we realize what truly is possible.

]]>https://teachingconfidence.com/limitations-myth-mystery/feed/0Ignorance: comfortable, not blissfulhttps://teachingconfidence.com/ignorance-comfortable-not-blissful/
https://teachingconfidence.com/ignorance-comfortable-not-blissful/#respondTue, 27 Mar 2018 12:00:50 +0000https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=1172An old adage that says ignorance is bliss. Nassim Taleb, in his book Fooled by Randomness, suggests that it is important that we accept “the lack of certainty in our knowledge” and that we develop methods for dealing with our … Continued

]]>An old adage that says ignorance is bliss. Nassim Taleb, in his book Fooled by Randomness, suggests that it is important that we accept “the lack of certainty in our knowledge” and that we develop methods for dealing with our ignorance.

I’m more inclined to embrace Mr. Taleb’s view of ignorance. My experience is that ignorance is only blissful until what I don’t know slaps me in the face. When that happens bliss quickly becomes pain. Or, at least, my memories of the painful experiences are more vivid than their more pleasant counterparts.

How often have we uttered the phrase “I wish I had known that ahead of time”? Most of us would answer “Too often!”

Fortunately, Taleb’s insight can ease that pain. The keys are to embrace what we don’t know and to trust in our ability to learn and adapt.

Ignorance

The dictionary definition of ignorance is “a lack of knowledge.” Ignorance is something few of us want to admit. Yet, a realistic examination of our knowledge indicates that what we don’t know is millions of times greater than what we do know.

Take a moment and imagine the Library of Congress. Now imagine how much space would be required to house your knowledge. All of mine would occupy no more than a few inches of space on one shelf…and I’m probably being generous in that assessment.

Instead of being disheartened by that fact, I’m thrilled! For their is much that I can learn…and I have supreme confidence in my ability to learn and apply what I’ve learned to everyday life.

Taleb on bias

Taleb takes this perception of knowledge one step further and suggests that our “knowledge” is based on cause/effect relationships we created that can’t withstand critical, logical analysis. In other words, we become certain about “knowledge” we possess that is based upon biased thinking.

In his book he cites a bias that many of us have, that is that hard work and perseverance are essential to success. He acknowledges that they are, but that hard work and perseverance alone doesn’t assure success.

As soon as I read that I thought “millennial.” Many millennials work hard and persevere, yet they feel that these efforts alone will produce the desired result. So much so that they are closed to ideas from people who are more experienced and have enjoyed great success.

Their bias, created by having been told for decades that effort not results matter, make them certain that hard work and perseverance are enough.

Acceptance and comfort

The more I read Mr. Taleb’s perceptions, the more I realized that one of the keys to my comfort in my ability to deal with anything that comes my way is the result of two things:

My willingness to acknowledge my lack of knowledge.

My ability to learn and adapt.

As soon as I embraced my ignorance…without being critical of myself…the more open my mind became. This openness accelerates my learning and my ability to adapt what I learn to the situations I face.

New situations don’t frighten me because I know that I have always found a way to deal with any situation I’ve faced. I may not have gotten their on the first iteration, the second or even the fifth, but I always found a solution to the problem I faced.

I’m not alone in this ability. If you take a moment and ask yourself “When in my life have I faced a situation in which I’ve had no background or experience…and failed to produce a result?” If you’re being honest with yourself, the answer is “never.”

As you embrace the fact that you have the capacity to deal with anything that comes your way, you’ll find it easier to embrace your ignorance…as I have. And to trust in your ability to learn and adapt…which is the real source of your power.

For you

Each day remind yourself that your ignorance affords you the opportunity to learn and grow…something we all enjoy. Also remind yourself that you have, and continue to, deal effectively with anything that comes your way.

As you embrace these realities you’ll feel less stress, less anxiety, less fear and a great deal more joy and confidence. Isn’t that a life worth living?

For our kids

The earlier that your kids learn these lessons the more years of joyful living they’ll experience. Can you imagine a greater gift? I can’t.

Use the tips above to help your kids embrace rather than fear their ignorance. Then help them see that they’ve already demonstrated their ability to deal with anything that comes their way.

Finally, live it yourself. Kids emulate the behaviors of the adults in their lives. You’ll all enjoy richer, fuller lives.

]]>https://teachingconfidence.com/ignorance-comfortable-not-blissful/feed/0Protectionism: Lack of Confidence?https://teachingconfidence.com/protectionism-lack-of-confidence/
https://teachingconfidence.com/protectionism-lack-of-confidence/#respondThu, 22 Mar 2018 12:00:20 +0000https://teachingconfidence.com/?p=1271When we desire protection from a perceived, non-physical threat are we really saying that we lack confidence in our own abilities? Before we delve into that question more deeply, I want you to know that I lost a political battle … Continued

]]>When we desire protection from a perceived, non-physical threat are we really saying that we lack confidence in our own abilities?

Before we delve into that question more deeply, I want you to know that I lost a political battle in one of my CFO jobs and ended up losing that job. I also worked as CFO for a company that was bought. CFOs of the acquired company rarely, if ever, survive an acquisition. I didn’t.

I tell you these things so that you don’t think I’m someone who is speaking without benefit of experience. I have experienced the challenges of having lost good paying jobs. Now to today’s topic.

Protectionism

Did I feel a sense of loss when these jobs ended? You bet I did…until I remembered all the skills and abilities that I had developed over the years. Then these “changes” became new opportunities, not losses.

Over the years I’ve encountered countless people who have had similar experiences tell me “It was the best thing that ever happened to me.” I know that it was true for me as well.

So why is it that some of us desire protection? If the vast majority of people find that changes foist upon them often end up being “the best thing that ever happened,” why do we fear change?

Love what you do

I’m sure that some simply love what they do and want to keep doing it for the rest of their lives…especially if they’re nearer retirement than the beginning of their work life. While that’s an understandable sentiment, it’s not a healthy one.

All aspects of life are dynamic. It’s impossible to isolate ourselves from change. The alternative is to embrace change as an opportunity, to find new ways to utilize the skills and abilities we developed over the years, to recall the excitement we experienced as we added these skills and abilities to our repertoire…and know that you can do it again. There’s nothing quite so uplifting as confidence in yourself…in your ability to learn and adapt.

Familiarity

Some people become used to a certain routine which includes going to the same job every day, seeing the same people and doing the same work. There’s comfort in familiarity. And, conversely, discomfort with its absence.

While these are natural feelings, they ignore the realities of life…nothing in life remains the same forever. The desire to be protected from things that disrupt our lives is understandable and often sparks a desire for protection from the changes that we’ll inevitably face. But it’s unrealistic.

If you have kids, you know that no matter how hard you try, you can’t protect them from all the risks they’ll face…nor can any government protect you from the challenges you face in your job. Governments can’t prevent the development of new technologies, nor should they. They can penalize countries with economic sanctions, but these sanctions aren’t going to prevent the people in these countries from looking for ways to improve their lives.

What we can do though is recall the superiority of our abilities and find new ways to employ them. At the end of the day the only security any of us has is our ability to learn and adapt. The only real protection we possess lies in the expansion of your skills and abilities. If you’ve stopped learning, you are putting yourself at a disadvantage.

My dad was a classic example of the right way to protect yourself. I grew up in a small town in Illinois. He was the lead mechanic for the Ford dealer there. Every week Ford would send out new booklets on the problems that mechanics were encountering and solutions for these problems. My dad read the booklets religiously every week.

We lived only an hour from downtown St. Louis. My dad made nearly as much as the union mechanics in St. Louis while living in the small town he loved. Why was he able to do this? Because he excelled at what he did, because he was continuously improving his skills. He could easily have gone to St. Louis and gotten a job…something his employer knew well.

For you

If you’re looking for others to protect you from change, you’re going to be disappointed. Not only that, but you’re going to be missing out on all the good things you could be enjoying if you embraced change as opportunity.

When you feel the desire to be protected, pause for a moment. Remind yourself of the times in your life when a change that was foist upon you ended up being “the best thing that ever happened.” Recall all the skills and abilities that you possess. Then look for ways that you can employ them in jobs other than the one you currently possess.

Finally, remember that your power and your value lie in your ability to learn and adapt. That your security and that of your family is only assured when you continue to expand your knowledge and capabilities.

For our kids

Instill in your kids an understanding that:

Change is inevitable.

Confidence in their ability to learn and adapt enables them to adapt to change more quickly and effectively.