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How do I get him to slow down?

Submitted by Karezza Korner on Thu, 2011-07-21 16:14

(MCCrochet) I made an incredible breakthrough and realized that I am responsible for the way I make love, and I can do so according to my own values and how I want to receive my sweetheart. I let my boyfriend know that I wanted to explore life without orgasm, and that I was going work on being more relaxed, still and receptive when we make love. I also assured him that I will never pressure him to give up ejaculating before he is ready, and it feels great to give up that urge to control.

Last night I asked for all the tender touches I wanted without getting too excited, and didn't let us start until I was fully ready! We had many beautiful and intimate magnetic moments! Thanks for helping me see how much exploration there is to do for myself, even if my partner isn't ready to start his own exploration yet. It feels great to own my sexual energy and yield it more gentleness, love, and above all, awareness.

(Darryl) First, I want to say, I think you and your guy are doing fabulously. The full breadth of karezza takes time to master, and you two are moving along well. Part of the wonderfulness is finding your way as you explore. There is no right way to practice karezza, only your way. Each couple can figure out what's perfect for them.

I also think you're guy is a real keeper. When you expressed your desires to practice karezza it sounded like he really responded to you. This means he is receptive to you, your feminine intuition and wisdom, this is very good.

Now, as far as leading him along, I have some thoughts for you. Having a man be receptive and open to feminine wisdom supports a balanced relationship and demonstrates masculine strength. However, leading your man one step at a time does not.

Masculine energy by nature is self-directive. We see an idea, (in this case, your idea), digest it, and then run with it. A man feels it, and then makes it his own. If you direct him at every step then you're carrying too much of the masculine energy yourself, which means you're not fully leaning into your feminine energy, and he ends up moving more into his feminine.

So, express what you want, then let him figure it out and run with it. If, after a while, you sense another flow you want to move towards, and he may not be getting it, then tell him what you want, and again, let him take the ball and figure it out. I get the feeling you're at that point again.

You could say something like, "I love what we've done so far. It has been wonderful for me and opened me up in a whole new way. Now, I'm being drawn to slow it down and experience more subtle movement, which I think can be just as delicious. I still want to feel the power and strength of your masculine energy--I love it when you give me that--but with less high-friction movement. See what you can do. I want to explore with you more than ever".

Notice how I kept it very "I" focused. Now, let him figure it out. You may need to tell him again when he lapses into being a pumping machine. That's fine, but don't get into directing the show. That's masculine energy, and his turf.

Just so he knows knows, speaking as a fellow guy, there is just as much sexual energy and pleasure in slow movement, actually way more. I find it much more pleasureable and delicious than high movement. Too much friction is a desensitizer. A man will have a hard time finding the equally strong feelings in slow movement until he moves away from high friction. In other words, he won't be giving up any pleasure--only discovering a new way to have even more.

Believe me, if karezza was less pleasureable the conventional sex, I'd still be pumping away. It just takes some readjusting.

To me, communicating about sex shouldn't be delicate or risky at all. A healthy relationship allows free expression in this area, in all areas for that matter. That's not to say we shouldn't word things in a caring and gentle way. If what you say bruises his ego then you'll have to work on that. From what you've said, it sure doesn't sound like you've done any bruising--because you're afraid to even bring up the subject.

As far as handling fear goes, my motto for a long time has been "Whatever it is you fear, head straight for it." When you let fear run you it makes you a victim, and I dont do "victim." If you're afraid to express your feelings to your man, then that's exactly what you need to do. Just keep the "I" word central to what you say. Fear shrinks when you face it.

I'll give you an example. I've always had a gripping fear of being trapped underwater, so one day I said "enough." I did two things. One, I took scuba diving lessons. I was a basket-case all during the lessons until I got on the tanks in the open ocean. I went straight to the bottom, 30ft down, and sat on the ocean floor looking up at the surface and just breathed. I'll never forget that moment. Then I put myself in a kayak and took rolling lessons. Upside down strapped into a kayak was pure terror for me. Now I have my own kayak, go out all the time, and love to practice rolling. Fears don't go away unless you make them.

Reach out, grab your fear by the throat, and throttle the big bully (your fear). You'll discover that it's just a little boy or girl filled with hot air.

Oh, yeah, last but not least, just like everyone else has said, make sure to give him Tantric Sex for Men, by Diana Richardson. It explains it all quite clearly. Sounds like you've already ordered it.

Enjoy your journey and discovery, you and your man deserve all the sweet pleasure you can have.

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My wife and I are just new beginners trying to figure out Karezza. As a man, who is trying to figure this all out, you have given me some great insights on how to approach karezza lovemaking with my wife.

My sense is that the majority of women who consider themselves frigid have just never been with a man who was able to slow down. The difference in pacing is HUGE for women. One notch too fast too soon, and things get very boring very fast. When in doubt, take it down a notch. Slowness brings with it greater loving presence. This is what women want.

[Duplicate post - originally appeared here: http://www.reuniting.info/node/7180#comment-45555] (Rachel) I know we've had some talk here about how to slow your partner down when they are wanting to speed things up and turn karezza into conventional sex (going toward orgasm).

Yesterday afternoon, just before my lover arrived, I was reading "Slow Sex" and saw this quote:

"I discovered that if I put all my awareness into relaxation, widening and receiving, especially in the vagina (instead of being caught up in the mind), the man would slow down enormously and even sometimes come to a wide-eyed standstill. In this way woman does have a certain power as the receptive environment. A penis entering the space is immediately affected by the absorbent forces enveloping it, and it's better for her to direct her energies in this direction, see how she can directly transform the situation through awareness, rather than try to change her man."

So even though I feel I've gotten pretty good at "widening and receiving," I thought I would take one for the team and see if I could *really* do it well, meaning, I was going to try to relax enough to actually push my cervix toward him.

Let me tell you, it worked like a charm! He would stop moving every time I did it (just to enjoy the moment, I feel very certain)~~AND~~I would notice that afterward, for me, I would get a very, long, slow tingling buzz that would stay on one "frequency" and it felt divine (sort of like the after effect of an orgasm, but with no beginning or end).

It's fun and it seems to be an excellent way to get the movement to stop without having to be forceful about it~~

Rachel

~Be present when you are with people. Breathe deeply and listen not only with your ears but more importantly with your heart~~