Lots has happened in the few months since my last post (the one before the Solstice one). The photo at the end of that post was taken right before the boys and I (and G, and their mom) went to the funeral for their dad (not E’s bio dad, but the only “dad” he has ever known). He was killed in a shooting the week prior, after an argument escalated into a fist-fight and then to a bullet in the head. Sadly, I was not surprised that this happened. I didn’t expect it quite so soon, but this man was not destined for a long and quiet life. Still, he was trying in the only ways he knew to be present in the boys’ lives after finally getting his prison time out of the way…trying to work…trying to encourage E…trying. He was finally talking to me and letting me know things about him, and I tried to encourage him the best I knew how. In my last conversation with him, I told him the only thing I wanted was for him to learn how to be the man I knew that he wanted to be and the man I knew he COULD be, so there was some small comfort that the last time we spoke, there had been some real communication. The funeral was well attending and achingly sad. The boys and other relatives released dove and balloons. I tried not to hover and just offer a shoulder and Kleenex.

Since then, things have been more up and down. Just a couple of weeks after the above, E was caught holding pot in his backpack and recommended for expulsion. From freshman quarterback to pariah. Many meetings with the school, with the alternative program that was recommended, with DSS (we got them involved voluntarily), banning him from FaceBook for 2 months, taking the computer out of his room and bringing it into the living room where he would be using it in front of God and everyone, getting adjusted to his new schedule for the next 45 days (3 hours a day, Monday-Thursday), court, court continuances, community service, etc. It’s been busy.

Then, finally, Christmas vacation loomed. He had gone up to see his mom over Thanksgiving and that went well. His paternal grandfather wanted him to come up and agreed that they could communicate with mom to arrange visits in both places. I was looking SO forward to 2 weeks alone with G to talk and hopefully smooth out some of our bumps.

Took him up on Thursday, since he didn’t have school on Friday. Nice drive, nice meeting with grandfather, nice ride home. Got in the house. Sat down on the couch. G. looked at me and said, “You and he have to go.” Two nights earlier, she had gone off on E for not cleaning out the dryer vent and not emptying his pockets when he washed and thus, getting lint all over the laundry and potentially burning the house down (but then, she’s thought the dryer was going to burn the house down since we got it). Apparently it escalated between them and she “crossed a line” inside her head and now we have to move.

So, I’m looking for a place. I think I found a roommate, a guy that we were in parenting classes with who split up from his wife this summer and has been staying with friends. This is a damned hard time to find a place, to even look for a place with the holidays and all, and I’m hoping she’ll be okay with us staying till the end of January.

I don’t even really know how I feel about this. Relief, mainly. Things have been not good between us for a while. Can’t seem to talk without snapping or picking or someone having to be “right” and the other be “wrong.” We’re equally guilty, but she keeps telling me she wants to “help” me but her “help” feels too much like, “my way or the highway” and very emotionally abusive. I feel beat up all the time because I am not parenting the way I “should.” I’m very, very, VERY tired of all of it.

The worst part is that E. doesn’t know. I’m hardly going to text him and I haven’t told any of the others he’s staying with, though I may before I go up and get him. Or I may ask that his grandfather just bring him down here because I’m not sure I’m up to one more drip to Denver right now.

So, after nearly 13 years, still nothing to show for it. We had a 5-year plan. We were going to have the house paid for, debts paid, ready for some fun and travel. Nope. She says she thinks separating will let us work on our relationship. Nope. I’m done. Oh, I’m sure we’ll talk and see each other from time to time. It would be hard not to in Pueblo, as small as it is. But there’s no “relationship” now. That’s done. You don’t just dismiss someone out of your house after a dozen years and then think you’re going to “work” on your relationship. It’s okay. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again. She was right.

I’m just seeing this post now, and I wish you and E safe landing in a home that allows you both to flourish. Also sending calm vibes for the transition time. You have done this before, yes, but each time has its own issues. Sending lots of love and light to you and your grandson.