This Week In Sex: Abigail and Mia and Kendra, Oh My!

What a weirdly wonderful week this was. Net Neutrality won its latest battle to keep the Internet free. And to celebrate, a pair of fleeing llamas and a white/gold or maybe it’s blue/black dress broke the Internet with the power of a thousand Kim Kardashians. Like we said, it’s been a weirdly wonderful week and it was also … sexy af.

And hey, Taylor, little free advice–strip clubs can become a terribly expensive hobby. Just ask this dude from South Dakota who spent $1 million over four years at a strip club. (That is, until he got popped by a police sting when he paid for sex with his regular favorite exotic dancer.) Now, if you’re not good with math, to spend a mill in four years on one girl is a real accomplishment. You have to drop around …$4,808 per week.

One year is 52 weeks. Four years is 208 weeks.
This dude was averaging $4,807.69 per week. For four years in a row.
Either she was super expensive, or he was super horny. Either way, we’re super impressed.

Okay, real question: wtf is up with the music in porn? We’re not the only ones who’ve noticed it’s wack. This week, Noisey named the 5 worst types of music in porn. Which is kinda like picking the 5 worst types of drivers in Houston. You got plenty to work with.

Much like fashion, porn moves in trends. Right now, cam girls are big. But the next big thing seems to be VR porn and wearable tech. Soon, you won’t be watching porn, you’ll be in it. Or at least that’s what your easily tricked mind will think. Nerds didn’t use to be the kings of sex, but these days, the tech world has learned sex sells. Just this week, designers announced a new product you can use to charge your devices. And you power it by masturbating. See? Geeks are taking a page from the Mia Khalifa handbook, they’re making sex work for them.

Okay, you may be Fifty Shades of Bored with all the talk of BDSM these last few weeks. But then along comes this video of Abigail Ratchford and suddenly a trip to the sex shop sounds like the perfect place to stop on the way home. She has a way of inspiring imaginations.

At the moment, America is busy legalizing weed state by state. Which is upsetting to some conservative dinosaurs in this country. Meanwhile, other countries are also getting their governments out of the business of legislating morality. For instance, there’s Korea. They just legalized adultery. Suddenly, a little pot doesn’t look like the end of the world, does it?

Speaking of the end of the world, this week a dude down in Oklahoma got court-ordered protection from his girlfriend after she tried to separate him from his manhood. The story goes: after a night of drinking, boyfriend and girlfriend got into a fight. He said she was “too needy.” She got upset. He passed out. When he woke up his girlfriend was trying to bite his dick off.

We’ll let the guy explain, “Went to sleep in the living room. She went to bed. I woke up to her assaulting me and trying to bite my penis off… Then she hit me over my head with a laptop.” Damn, homie. So, what did this dude do with his half-bitten off dick? “I ran out to call my mother & went to the hospital.”

Hold up! Your girlfriend tries to chomp your dick like a ballpark hotdog and your first thought is to call your mother? That must’ve been a fun conversation… “She did what?! Oh, honey, I never liked her. You need a woman who isn’t going to try to eat your dick. I know some nice girls at my church and I don’t think they’d try to gobble your johnson…”