Catholic Church implodes arguing where it stands on gay divorce

Vatican officials have called an urgent council to try and settle the Catholic’s official stance on gay divorce. Since new legislation allowed gay couples to enter civil partnerships, thousands of same sex couples have become ‘married’ despite fierce opposition from the Catholic Church. However with the first legal separations of gay couples now taking place, the Vatican has been unable to decide whether to stand by its historic opposition to divorce or whether they should welcome and indeed encourage the failure of same-sex marriage.

‘It’s a really difficult one for us’ said Cardinal Foyle from Galway. ‘We are opposed to these homosexuals being allowed to marry. But we also maintain that marriage is for life. Are we pleased that the sin of gay marriage is atoned for, or do we pray for those who are considering the sin of divorce? I’m fucked if I know.’

There are factions in the Vatican that would like to have all gay people executed and any children, adopted or otherwise taken in to care. Others are more tolerant, urging the church to engage with the gay community. During a recent synod, the argument became so heated that several bishops got involved in an ugly fist-fight, and had to be separated with their crooks. Accusations made about the bishop’s choirboys were later retracted but the debate continues.

‘Do two wrongs make a right? Why does the bible say that a man shall love his fellow man, but then not allow that other stuff? What if a man has a gay partner who then has a sex-change so the love is between a man and his ladyboy wife? Is there a website where I can learn more about this?’

To assist worshippers as they negotiate this difficult moral maze and the many spiritual and ethical issues surrounding it, the Catholic Church has issued a helpful leaflet entitled ‘Jesus hates poofs and so should you’.