Glad to be unhappy

About 8 years ago, her dad passed away suddenly, and she continues to miss and mourn her dad. We’ve been friends for about 6 years and for as long as I’ve known her, she’s always been… down. There are parts that are more obvious or easier for me to understand — for example, she gets very sad around Father’s Day and her dad’s birthday.

Then there are parts that are just what I’ve experienced as her general outlook on life. She always finds something to be sad about. For example, she had complained about her job and coworkers and the long commute that was a strain on her social life. Then she applied to and got a new job that will shrink her commute from 2 hours to 20 minutes each way. I was so excited for her and called to congratulate her. But she had already switched gears. She spoke about how she’ll miss her coworkers and the familiarity of her old job, and how the new job has a more formal dress code.

That’s just an example. And I’m finding it increasingly difficult to interact with her without being affected (or angered or frustrated) by her pessimistic outlook, which she sometimes applies to good news that I share. I’ve suspected that her father’s death underlies her melancholy and have suggested several times that she seeks counseling, but she’s dismissed that suggestion.

Her down-ness has made me less inclined to talk with her. She expresses a lot of appreciation for my friendship and often tells me that I lift her spirits and am a ray of sunshine to her. But I don’t think she knows how much effort it takes, or how she’s often like a gray cloud to me. How do I express this to her in a way that won’t make her more sad or down? Should I?

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The short answer is “you don’t.” Your friend has to want to change her outlook on life. No amount of constructive criticism or ego-boosting will help. All that will happen – and this is quite clearly occurring – is that her negative attitude is dragging you down. No offense, but I’m sure her former co-workers don’t miss her as much as she thinks.

When people try to “unload” their problems on me I stop them up short (unless it’s one of my clients, in which case I listen politely). I ask “do you want me to help solve your problem, or do you just want to complain?”

You don’t want to be a dumping ground for other people’s problems. They’ll feel unburdened (for a short time, and then find something else to complain about), while you’re left twisting yourself into knots trying to “help” them solve their problems. Newsflash: they don’t want you to solve their problems; rather, they want you to legitimize the way they feel (negative) about whatever is bothering them. If you solve their problems, then they have no excuse for their negative outlook on life.

As someone who’s cleared some big life hurdles, self-inflicted or otherwise (sexual abuse, cancer, drug problems, law school, all before the big 3-0), I can relate to where your friend’s conundrum. For me, a big part becoming happier was realizing exactly how sad I was. Yes, your friend is sending a clear message to the world that she is in pain. But I doubt she even realizes how much pain she is actually in. Acknowledging, facing, and moving past such pain can be more difficult than the event which precipitated all of those feelings in the first place. It certainly has been for me, and it sounds like it is for your friend. This is not to say that my experience is universal; everyone deals with life differently. Some people need a kick in the ass to get off their emotional pot; some people need a hug or a cookie.

For you, I would suggest evaluating how much you value this friendship before you invest any more time or emotional energy in this relationship. You could also try asking her what she wants from you and from your relationship with her. Then the onus is on her to try to express her perceived value of the relationship between you. You might be surprised at how much she values talking to you; you also might be horrified to find out that she’s becoming Livia Soprano. It sounds like your friend has a hard time dealing with ambivalence, that is, having two conflicting emotions (I hate my job and the commute, and upon leaving, I’ll miss my co-workers). And I wouldn’t be surprised if the mixed emotions (hate the commute during work, after leaving, romanticizing her coworkers) she communicates about leaving her job also extend to feelings about her father. I think most people have a moment in their life where they hate their parents, even in the face of the societal norm that says we must love our parents. Reconciling these two feelings is easier (relatively) when the the source of these feelings is still alive. I can’t imagine how difficult that would be when that parent has expired.

Ultimately, she is responsible for all aspects of her life, a realization that is both intimidating and empowering. It may not happen over the course of your friendship, but you also don’t have to personalize her negative emotions. Her view of the world is her view, yours is yours, and never the twain shall meet. I generally think that the ways in which people interact with the world reveals more about the person than it does the world. Maybe try hanging on to that thought the next time you talk to her.

Regardless of what you do, I wish you luck. Having been on both sides of the table as incurably negative and witness to the incurably negative, I know you are in a tough spot. I hope you find a happy solution for yourself.

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Will Meyerhofer, JD LCSW-R is a psychotherapist in private practice in TriBeCa, in New York City.
You can visit his private practice website at: www.aquietroom.com.
Will holds degrees from Harvard, NYU School of Law and The Hunter College School of Social Work, and used to be an associate at Sullivan & Cromwell before things changed...
Now, in addition to his work as a psychotherapy, he writes books and blog entries and a column for AboveTheLaw.com.