Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Both my grandfathers are having problems with their health and had recently, or now being in hospitals. Previously, my late paternal grandmother also had problems with her health and was in and out of the hospital. Seeing those old ones going in and out of hospitals, and myself visiting the hospitals more regularly, I've come to see how sad our healthcare system is like in Singapore. I'm not saying it's wrong, or right, but it's pretty sad.

Basically, one pays for better healthcare. It's almost as if healthcare is a private good under the mechanisms of demand and supply rather than being a public good which allows everyone to enjoy the full benefits fairly.

Let me talk about the background of my grandfathers. My paternal grandfather has three children including my dad. Followers of this blog would know that my family is living off quite comfortably. We're not rich or even close to being rich, but we get enough to eat and occasionally to splurge. My two aunts and their families are quite similiar to my family. My elder aunt and her family live in a condo, my younger aunt and her family a terrace house. My grandfather himself has his own property which I don't quite fully know everything. He lives by himself in a three room shophouse but the shop is rented out, so it's only the three room living space that he occupies. Both my aunts have maids and their maids routinely check on my grandfather and does the chores. After the recent hospital spate my dad's sponsored a maid for him but she's not here yet.

Yea... So it's obvious that my paternal side is willing and has the means to pay for better healthcare for my grandfather.

My maternal side is a bit more complicated. My mum's the eldest daughter, followed by a brother and four younger sisters, two not married. I'm only closer to the three younger aunts. I don't quite know my uncle fully, but I think he is quite comfortable, from what I think, his family's staying in a mansionette. I'm estranged from the next aunt, she's a piece of crap basically. She's unmarried, bought a HDB three room flat but left it vacant and moved back to live off my grandparents. I mean, if she at least rented out the flat or something it's still not that crap, but well. The next aunt is divorced, financially a bit struggling now since she has to bring up two sons and it was only because of the separation with her ex-husband that forced her back to the workforce, and that she's not very young already. The second youngest aunt is probably the most successful of all the children, yea, my mum's not, the only credit I have for my mum is that she married my dad and my dad's good. This aunt is a career woman, worked hard for her keeps, regularly achieves top sales in her department. But her daughter's young, and I guess, is her top priority. The youngest aunt is unmarried and just bought a three room HDB pad for herself, so I guess she is not in surplus financially. By right, the two old folks should be living alone in their old three room HDB flat, but because of that estranged aunt, well, she's with them.

Also because of the mindset of my grandmother, healthcare to them is that they keep it to the bare minimum. She doesn't want the children to spend too much on people who are about to die.

So, my paternal grandfather was admitted to Mount Elizabeth, and my maternal grandfather was being admitted to Singapore General Hospital.

I remember when my late paternal grandmother was admitted into Mount Elizabeth and I went to visit her, I didn't know where she was warded to. I gave her name to the concierge and was given a written description of her ward by them. Also maybe it was because Mount Elizabeth was small, it wasn't difficult to look for my grandmother. Yesterday, when my maternal grandfather was admitted, it took me a hell lot of time to get to his ward. My aunt who didn't have the ward number asked the reception and was given wrong information.

Mount ELizabeth, when I went to visit my paternal grandfather, looked to be adequately staff. The staff was polite and well spoken. They looked very matronly. But sometimes might be a bit more customer service oriented for liking. I don't know if it's a one off incident or prevalent, but yesterday when I was at SGH, it looked to be horribly understaffed. My maternal grandfather wanted to shit and asked for a bedpan, it took like over 45min before he got it. Basically a couple of nurses, including one male nurse told use wait a while, but that while never came. In the end the nurse manager came and started barking orders around before the bed pan finally came, then he asked for a commode, then he started ordering the cleaners to clean up the water on the ground. To be very fair, I think the nurse manager was good, very helpful and friendly and did his job well. Okay, the nurses were not bad, just that because they were so understaffed, they were a bit inefficient. And on the average, they were about ten years younger than the nurses in Mount E.

I don't know how is it like regarding the nurses, but the nurses I came across in Mount E spoke Hokkien, and were able to communicate with my paternal grandfather. The nurse tending to my maternal grandfather was Malay, so she spoke English. There was another nurse somewhere who seemed more comfortable speaking Mandarin (no dialect though).

It wasn't just the nurses, the doctors too. If politicians have to learn all the dialects, I think it should be the same for doctors too. Just as how politicians have to connect with their constitency residents, doctors need the same connection with their patients, to understand their condition. Doctors need to learn the language of their patients to better tend to them. Right now it seems like only the older doctors who are able to speak in dialect, the younger ones are all those jiak-kentangs.

My paternal grandfather has his designated doctor, like most private patients. It's good in a way that one has already build up a certain rapport with the doctor and are able to communicate with each other. The problem yesterday with my maternal grandfather was crap. He went into the hospital early in the afternoon, but didn't get to see any doctor until about 8+pm. And the doctor who came was a ginna-kia with a trainee doctor in tow, two ginna-kias. One of them had his handphone switched to ringing mode and he answered his phone twice.

At the end of their diagnosis, they recommended that my maternal grandfather be sent to do a scope. But later in the night a senior doctor would come to check on him. He was supposed to be off food and water and all medication, including a medication that would thin his blood. The scope would then be done in the morning. I left shortly after and hence did not see the senior doctor. From what I understood this afternoon, the scope was still not yet done. My mum was saying that the doctors said that his blood was too thick to do the scope, he needs to take that blood thinning medication again. And my grandfather was still off food and water and very hungry. Even though he was on the drip, he wanted to eat and drink. Well, I reiterated to my mother, since he's paying subsidised rates, he has to suffer this sort of subsidised healthcare service.

A scope is not a difficult process. I can say that because I did it before. I was told to do it the night before, I did it in the morning, by the evening I was back at home already. Simple as that. Okay, I didn't have any problems with my blood, though I did suffered from some side effects of drug allergy that prompted my scope. What I'm saying is that, it isn't something troublesome or would take up a lot of time.

But well, we need to take in consideration, my maternal grandfather was in SGH. My scope was done by my GP who was positioned with the Parkway Medical Group. And I did it in Eastshore Hospital.

Altogether, other than my delivery years ago, I was admitted into hospital three times, other than that day doing the scope, I was admitted to stay overnight in the hospital twice, both when I was 6. Once was for measles, the other for pneumonia. I think the measles one I was in Mount Alvernia, also the place where I was born. I can't really remember much about that experience, except that I was alone in this room and was crying half the time, and my whole body was in red spots. The time when I had pneumonia, I think I was in NUH, or might be Mount Alvernia again, I can't remember, though I think it was in NUH because I at first couldn't get into A ward and ended up with this bunch of kids in a communal room. It was later when i managed to change to an A ward. Can't really remember much only that I had this thing attached onto my arm. It didn't really strike me as a good or bad experience. Maybe because I was in a kids' ward.

Staying in the hospital is nowhere a very fun thing to do. I'd at least hope that there's proper healthcare service. The experience in Eastshore Hospital was a comforting one. I was still suffering some side effects of drug allergy and the nurse there was very comforting and gave me sedatives to calm me.

But I think it all boils down, how much one pays will beget how much return one gets in healthcare service. sigh... If I'm poor, I sure do not want to fall sick and be admitted into hospital. I'd probably die there.

My mum was still jesting that my paternal grandfather was still complaining that the food in Mount E sucks when she saw the food that was being served in SGH. Honestly, if I were ever being admitted to SGH, I would never touch the food there. It's a big turn off. *mental note to self: Don't fall sick!*

Sunday, November 26, 2006

The fucking school's IT department never fails to make me pull my hair when trying to get something done when using the fucking inefficient online system. CORS can burn in hell. The administration department can go eat shit, now the bloody exam directory can just be banished down to the 18 levels of hell. NUS IT technicians think they are so smart to encrypt some godknowswhat into their websites and render us unable to access it. At least for the vast majority of normal students who hates the online fucking system.

I tried logging to the exams directory tonight. Some little intuition told me that doing it tomorrow when I have papers on Monday is a bad idea, no thanks to many bad experiences with CORS.

First, they cover their bloody asses and say stupid things like if it can't work in IE, try Firefox, if it can't work in Firefox try IE.

FUCK!!!Both didn't work for me.I had to go and download Firefox specially for this and it hell didn't work, so what the fuck?!!!

Really, for something so vital, there isn't a need to make this page so difficult to access right? So what if the entire world knows our exam time tables? Really, I'd rather a system that shows everybody every modules time table and everyone's seating position. Put it up on the bloody web la. There isn't a need to protect anything when more conspicuous stuff are out in the world wide web. Yes, if one does a search, all the shit can be dug out, all coming from NUS pages.

Anyway, I was so angry that I emailed them for help.

(ed: I forgot to block out some personal details in my pic, had to reupload it. kanasai... If you managed to see the earlier picture, forget it instantly or I'll gorge your eyes out and dig your brains out.)

Really, I just so wanted to type "Just fucking go and eat shit!" with this kind of so bloody fucked up system. All the vulgarities and my newly acquired Hokkien vocabulary I've learnt from all the Singapore films I've been watching for that similiarly titled module were all on the tip of my tongue.

And best of all, the automated reply. I really don't understand the rationale behind an automated reply, like does it really help us at all, NO! So just go eat some shit.

Really, after sucking us of so much money from the ever increasing school fees, I really expect NUS IT department to really do something to improve their online facilities, if not they should just sack all the IT workers and use the money to hire some other people to serve us face to face.

I is damn angry at this whole fucked up system. Grrr...KANINABEHCHAOCHEEBYE!!!

In the first episode of Survivor, we saw Jonathan stealing Yul's chicken, then ***spoilers*** later, together with Candiace, he mutineed his tribe, then after the merger, he went back to his old alliance in an attempt to save his butt, but let's all face it, he's screwed. He's now screwed more people than Boston Rob in Survivor All Stars and Stephenie in Survivor Guatamala commbined. ***spoilers end***

I was watching tonight's episode, and Jonathan further made me laugh at his ineptness comapared to Yul. Jonathan took a night using a little bowl to scoop up sand and dig a hole in Exile Island trying to find that hidden immunity idol, but Yul used his machete and took like three seconds to dig up a similiar hole and fine the idol. Okay, he probably didn't take three seconds, but at least the sky didn't change colour when he dug that hole.

***spoilers***And it's so darn stupid that the dumbass Raros didn't even bother to consider that Yul has that idol. They try and say that Yul's been there only for a night, but didn't they consider that Yul's smart enough to find that idol in three seconds? And to think that they agreed that Yul's smart. They're just kicking themselves in the mouth and not realising it. Dumbasses. Not only are they stupid, they aren't even Survivor fans, they didn't bother to watch last season's Survivor. I mean, if Terry can find it in three seconds, why can't just as smart Yul do the same thing? argh...***spoilers end here***

One thing a bit sad about this season's Survivor is that a lot of the more disgusting players have been booted out early in the show. All the fat lazy pigs have all been booted off, from Sekou, to Billy, JP and tonight's Stephannie. The only exception is Cecilia. I thought she was very pretty, and has like a damn hot bod, too bad she got booted before I could see more of her and assess her as a player.

***spoilers***The next couple of bootees are also deserved to be booted ones. Christina was quite an ass in tonight's episode, luckily she managed to save her skin but too bad, next week she can't. Flicka and Cao Boi are oddballs, I feel no pity for them. Cao Boi's Plan Voodoo might be good on paper, but he made the same mistake as the dumbasses, he never considered that the idol's with Yul and not Jonathan nor Candiace. Flicka made the most most most stupid mistake by complaining about her tribe in front of an outsider (Nate). Stupid stupid. I always thought Nate was not a bad guy, so I was quite disappointed to see that he left in the latest episode of Survivor, but seeing him on national TV just now, I must say, that guy's an ass too. He single handedly orchestrated Stephannie's dismissal lor.

Another person I thought I liked but later hate, is Candiace. I read about her in challenges, she's good (think it should be in next week's), this week she was also not bad la, a lot stronger than the other females, so I thought she's good. But but but. After her mutiny and what she did after the mutiny, and her lack of brains in trying to keep up to Aitu's strategy, well, she went from good to goon in like two seconds flat.

I understand why Raro didn't like Brad, but I must say, I'm in love with Brad. And that's very sad, because Brad's gay. hai... Brad is damn good looking. He's the best looking one this season. But he's gay. urgh... I thought it was quite weird too that Brad wanted to do the puzzle instead of swim when he's a strong swimmer, maybe he wants his group to lose? lol~***spoilers end here***

Speaking of good looking, I don't think Parvati is good looking at or, or that she's hot. Cecilia was a lot better looking than Parvati. Candiace looks good too, everybody looks good. Parvati doesn't even have huge boobs. I really don't see how Parvati can play her flirting game in this Survivor. The guys are all also pretty half baked lor.

***spoilers yet again***

Yul.

After reading so much information about episode 10, Yul has successfully done what Terry failed to do. To make the other side swing over to his side with the hidden immunity idol although it didn't come into play. In Panama, Terry tried to swing Bruce and such over to his side but he failed. Yul managed to swing Jonathan to his side by using the idol as a bait. Okay, I'd say that however dysfunctional the Casayas were, they weren't dumb and stupid and sex crazed like the Raros. Jonathan was the only sane person in Raro, hence he had to switch alliances. I mean just imagine, he was telling the rest that Yul has that idol and they didn't believe. Goodness!

Yul's also has in Ozzy cover which Terry didn't have. In Panama, Terry was the target. But in Cooks, Yul isn't as much of a threat as Ozzy is. Ozzy is the target, the animan in Cooks. He can climb trees, swim, hold onto a pole forever, swim into the horizon, and can do everything.

Yul is the new Terry but with the luck. I'm really hoping Yul can finish off what Terry couldn't do and make it all the way to the final 2. He should be able to do it since he now has numbers on his side, and the idol and he can hopefully win immunities.

Race.

At present count there are 1 Black, 1 Hispanic, 2 Korean, 4 Whites left. Does race say anything or is it merly alliances and strategy? Of the 4 Whites, the outcast is a Jew.

Track back to last season when the Survivors were grouped into age and gender. It's not so much about race as it is about gender and age and familiarity with people. WHat kind of people you feel comfortable with. Yul and Becky and Candiace and Adam pairing up on the first day is like the alliance of honour of Terry and Dan on their first day in Panama. Yul and Becky are both Koreans, Candiace and Adam are both good looking and hypersexed, Terry and Dan are both outstanding men, these are a kind of familiarity and sort of a comfort solace, I think.

There was also problems with the castings. Like for the Hispanics, they have one lazy pig, two bossy leaders, so naturally they are disadvantaged. The Whites happened to have casted all young and hypersexed people like Parvati, Candiace and Adam who could stick together. And two Koreans in the Asian group? A bit not proportionate isn't it?

***end of spoilers***

Well, these are just a couple of thoughts now. This season's Survivor just has so many twists, I'm getting so excited, especially about the jury part. Can't wait to see what CBS has up to its sleeves.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

You are The Moon

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

I did a couple of Tarot reading before, and this is one of the cards I've been drawing.

(ed: This past couple of posts and this were not published on the date that is shown in the blog because I withheld them. But with this post, I've cleared all drafted posts and anything new would be in accordance to the timestamp. Reasons for this withhold is to spread out the posts. If you didn't notice anything, then nevermind, good day to you~)

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

I just want to say today was a happy day. Even if it's only for half an hour, or about 45min, it was worthwhile. It just confirms all my feelings I had was right and instantly, all my doubts were washed away. It's almost like a magic potion. hehehe~

I'm now listening this song on my Windows Media Player, if you happen to see this song on my MSN as what I'm listening, I think that explains. I went to baidu that song, the first on the list was this song, the song I wanted, but when I went to search for the lyrics, I only got the Cantonese version. sucks... Jacky Cheung... How come your song only got Mandarin mp3 but no Mandarin lyrics? How come only got Cantonese lyrics?

ah well... How come Joan only listen to Chinese songs from the early to mid 90s one ah? wahaha~

Monday, November 20, 2006

Inspired by the rain outside, I browsed through some of my songs and pulled out a couple of songs I really like that all of one thing in common. 雨. I don't know why but everytime it rains, my heart aches, sometimes my joints ache too, but that's because of rheumatism, which is another problem by itself. To me, rain is like heaven crying, the tears of heaven fall upon the vast earth. nice~

冰雨刘德华

曲:潘协庆词:刘德华,李密

我是在等待一个女孩还是在等待沉沦苦海一段情默默灌溉没有人去管花谢花开无法肯定的爱左右摇摆只好把心酸往深心里塞

我是在等待你的回来(嗯)难道只换回一句活该一个人静静发呆两个人却有不同无奈好好的一份爱啊怎么会慢慢变坏

冷冷的冰雨在脸上胡乱的拍暖暖的眼泪跟寒雨混成一块眼前的色彩忽然被掩盖你的影子无情在身边徘徊

你就像一个刽子手把我出卖我的心彷佛被剌刀狠狠地宰悬崖上的爱谁会愿意接受最痛的意外悬崖上的爱谁会敢去采还是愿意接受最痛的意外最爱的女孩

This was once a very popular song, and one of y long time favourite Andy Lau song. I always try to sing it whenever I go KTV because it's so sad, yet it's fun to sing, as with all Andy Lau songs, nice to imitate, nice to sing.

This song won a Golden Horse award for best theme song of a movie. It's not too often that Huang Pinyuan himself writes songs, either lyrics or composition, but when he does it, he does it well. One of the classics Huang Pinyuan love songs. My favourite song in that stupid Xiaowei album, sorry to say, Xiaowei not being his composition, and after it got overheated by the masses, I've started to hate it. Must watch the MTV for this song because it's mostly scenes from the movie, very sad, very nice.

rain 范晓萱

词:许常德曲:郭子

我怀念有一年的夏天一场大雨把你留在我身边我看着你那被淋湿的脸还有一片树叶贴在头发上面

那时我们被困在路边世界不过是一个小小屋檐你说如果雨一直下到明天我们就厮守到永远

rain...falling in my heart你的声音仍然深印我心田世界改变你也改变我在海角天边

rain...falling in my heart你的诺言虽然没有实现爱是雨点落在昨天永不放晴的缠绵

我怀念有一年的夏天一场大雨把你留在我身边我看着你那被淋湿的脸还有一片树叶贴在头发上面

那时我们被困在路边世界不过是一个小小屋檐你说如果雨一直下到明天我们就厮守到永远

rain...falling in my heart你的声音仍然深印我心田世界改变你也改变我在海角天边

rain...falling in my heart你的诺言虽然没有实现爱是雨点落在昨天永不放晴的缠绵

rain...falling in my heartrain...falling in my heartrain...falling in my heartrain...falling in my heart

rain...

People from my generation would have recognised that this was (not sure if it still it bust it was the very first) 音乐日记 opening song. A song made popular by Lin Lingzhi, too bad she's now left (or is it leaving) the station. A very sad song, because if you notice that line "你的诺言虽然没有实现" which effectively means that they weren't together forever. Oh well...

This was a very very old SBC (Singapore Broadcasting Corporation, which became TCS which became Mediacorp) ending song. I can't remember what the show was about, only that I watched it, and when the show came on repeat, I'd switch on the TV at the end of the show just to hear the song even though I've now downloaded the mp3. It's a very sad song, but yet very nice to sing. I used to like Chyi Chin. That day I was talking to a friend who said that she like the name "Purple Rain", I brought up this song, drew a blank, I brought up an old Hong Kong blockbuster 紫雨风暴, and drew another blank. I think I'm with the wrong generation of friends.

That song rang throughout my head when I was taking my A Levels, I don't know why. It wasn't really my favourite song when I first bought the album, but after it ringing throughout my head during my entire A Levels, I grew to fall in love with the song. Now whenever I hear this song, sing this song, or think of this song, I think about my A Levels, quite sad sia... lol~

I don't own the mp3 of this song, but this is always the first song that rings in my head whenever it rains very heavily. Of course, the song I sing is a mangled version. I think I so like this song, or at least the reason why this song sticks to much in my head after so many years is because I really feel the way the lyrics are written.

Another song, I'd think of first whenever I see rain, okay not a song but a verse from a song, would be these lines:雨下得闹烘烘雪飘的兴冲冲心不痛血不红谁会懂一切不是梦And the funny thing is that whenever I attempt to sing those lines, I'd do it in a mangled Cantonese accented Chinese. lol~ Yea... It's an Ekin Cheng song, maybe around the Noodle era, or maybe just slightly after. It's the theme song of the movie of the same name.

PS: All lyrics can be found from Baidu's mp3 pages, if you want you might be able to find downloads there too, but well, whatever you do, it's your business ah... Okay, I've added in some of the names of the lyricists and composers myself. I own the CDs of Huang Pinyuan, Chyi Chin and Wubai, so I can't be considered as a pirate, okie... wahaha~

I frequent the optical at Parkway Parade, Nanyang Optical. It's right at the basement entrance of Parkway, so if you want to go there, it's pretty easy to find. There's an optician there who's quite shuai, but the past few times I went there I didn't get to see him. He's been there for a very long time already, since the very first day I made my very first pair of contacts. From then, I always thought he was shuai.

It's been quite a many years, he's still there, he's still shuai. Over those years, I've grown from a spoilt little daxiaojie to a jaded old woman, but he's still there, and I still frequent that optical. I remember in my secondary school days when I went to Parkway like every weekend, I'd walk by the optical just to beo him. But I don't know why as I grew older, I didn't get that many chances to see him. There've also been many new faces in the optical, so I thought maybe I'm just suay and didn't match his shifts.

Visiting the optical today, I didn't really expect to see him, especially the last time I was there, a couple of weeks ago, to check out when was the last time I made my contacts, I didn't see him around.

Today, I finally found some time to make a trip down to Parkway to finally get my contacts made, after more than one and a half years. I forgot that my contacts were made so long ago. I was getting paraniod that my eyes would rot. As I walked by, I saw the usual ugly faces, one short guy, one guy with horrible hair, some women... I walked to the back of the shop and just as I turned around, I saw the shuai optician standing right in front of me. And he wasn't attending anyone.

Lucky~

Other than making my contacts, I also needed to get my spectacles fixed. I accidentally pressed onto it a couple of days ago and the frame went out of shape. The lens would press against my eye when I wear it, and the ears part was very uncomfortable. So I had him fix my spectacles for me too~

I don't know if he remembered me. I'm sort of a regular customer. But there was something different about him today. He seemed not to be in very high spirits. He didn't talk much, only replied my questions, very politely somemore. Somehow, I felt that he seemed unhappy over something, which of course I didn't dare to ask. Even with my act cute best, I couldn't get any positive response from him. Quite a disappointment, but I guess at least I managed to beo him today~

I wonder how old is he now. So many years have passed, and now I'm like an old maid already, so he should also have aged. But looking at him, it seemed like only I have changed, he still looked the same as the day when I went to make my first pair of contacts. He was still working in the same place, attending to the same customers, doing the same things as years back. Counting on my fingers, I guess it has already been 7-8 years. wow...

I hope he'd call me when my contacts are ready for collection. I hope he'd be there when I go collect my contacts the next time I visit.

So, next time when go Parkway Parade, can pop by Nanyang Optical, try and look for a shuaige called Kelvin. erm... Wait, I think only I think he's shuai, so if you don't think he's shuai, erm... Nevermind... Recently have been drawing quite a bit of flak from my folks over my definition of shuai...

Sunday, November 19, 2006

I was out with my extended family today, and I noticed certain linguistic features of my youngest cousin, Samantha. Sammi is very young, just learning how to string words together to form sentences, I can't remember how old she is, but she's about up to my thigh, and is very cute.

Have you ever notice when speaking to kids, there's a tendency to repeat the nouns and verbs? Like "eat" is "eat eat", "play" is "play play", "ball" is "ball ball". While eating the Peking Duck, I asked Sammi what she was eating, she answered "duck duck skin". Isn't it shorter and simpler just to say "duck skin"? So why was there a need to repeat the main noun in it? Also, why is the noun "duck" repeated instead of "skin"?

My only possible thought was that ot sounds cuter. Kids are cute, so they talk cute. hehehe... If you check out those act cute girls, they tend to repeat the nouns and verbs too. Instead of going "shopping", they'd say "go shop shop". I know, because I've some act cute tendencies in me too. Or perhaps, it's because we know that kids talk that way and kids are cute that's why we emulate their manner of speech unconciously by repeating our nouns and verbs. Or perhaps, it's the way parents talk to kids that make kids grow up talking like that. If we as parents think that it's cuter to talk to kids by repeating the nouns and verbs, we do that while talking to them, the kids follow the way we talk, and end up talking like that. It sounds pretty much like a vicious cycle.

Speak Good English Campaign seems to be in the trashcan for the parents, kids, and the act cutes.

The interesting thing I noticed from my cousin is that she doesn't know how to use pronouns. Instead of using "I" and "you", she uses the names of people instead. So she'd talk like "Mummy want this?" and "Sammi want this." instead of "Do you want this?" and "I want this." This reminds me of the cute Japanese girls. Like Sammi, they talk in third person's point of view too. (I learnt this somewhere, I think it's Wikipedia.) But for the Japanese girls, it might be because whilst the boys can call themselves "ore" or "boku", they use the more formal "watashi" instead, so perhaps by calling themselves by their names it might sound less formal.

When Sammi was named by her mother, the whole family was told only to use the name "Samantha" and not "Sam" or "Sammi" or any other kind of short forms. Even throughout her infancy, her mother made sure only to call her Samantha and frown upon anyone who called her something else. If "Samantha" was too tough to call, the simpler "Baby" was used instead.

But as Sammi started talking, and started having to call herself, my parents started teaching her to say "Sammi" instead. I mean, how can like a baby call herself "Samantha"? She'd probably bite her tongue trying to call herself that. And as she mastered the name "Sammi", that's what she became, and that's what everyone calls her now. I think this also has to do with the idea that "kid=cute" thingie and that all cute things ends with "-ie" or "-y".

I know quite a number of my friends with English names are called by their nicknames in the family, and these nicknames usually end with "-ie" or "-y". But for me, as far as my memory served me, I was always called "Joan" by people. Maybe sometimes "Joan Joan" when I was really young, or "Joooooooooaaaaaaaaaaan" in a highly accented stress on the vowels, but never "Joanie". Maybe that's also the reason why I always cringe when someone attempts to call me that. It just sounds so wrong to me.

Ah, but I was still talking about Sammi just now right?

She made a really funny comment over dinner just now. I was standing beside her and wanted to talk to my mother who's a few places on our right. So I called out "Mummie mummie mummie..." trying to catch her attention, but she was talking to some other person and didn't hear my calls. As my calls grew louder, I think the mild eardrums of Sammi just couldn't stand me that she called out "Mummy is here!" and pointed to her own mother. That caught the attention of my mother. diaoz...

Kids are cute.

I think to her little world, she thinks that "mummy" is a name rather than a relative to her. She's probably use "mummy" instead of "my mummy". Okay, granted, since she still doesn't know what is pronouns, I don't think she can grasp the idea of using possessive pronouns yet.

I really wonder how does a kid's brain function, and how do they absorb knowledge. She's still young to talk in longer sentences, but her grammar's all wrong and everything, how's she going to start school in the near future. Maybe if we want to bring up kids that speak proficient English, we might really need to educate from top down. Parents not to use "cutesy kid-speak" to children and everything.

hai... But then again, if restricting a child's manner of speech is also too restrictive for the child to grow up in a creative environment. A bit sad sia...

On a side note, Sammi was playing with a couple of kids she'd met at the open area of the shopping centre before dinner. They happened to be these two Malay children. To kids, there's no sense of racial identity between them, and it was just a game for everything. Then just as they parted, and we had to leave for our dinner, it was the usual slew of "bye bye"s and "high five"s, and the Malay boy, I think, very naturally, wanted to kiss his young friend goodbye. I think that act stunned his mother. Was that out of racial or religious considerations? I don't know if Muslims kids aren't allowed to kiss, but to me, it seemed as if that even though kids are racially and religiously blind, the adults definitely aren't.

I wish I was a kid all over again. It just seem much freer and less constraints, less considerations, and just do everything from the heart rather than having to heed advices from the mind. My sister was just telling me that the way I talk over the phone sounds very fake, my aunt said how I talked over the phone was the proper way, tone-wise and attitude and the way I talked. I thought, perhaps, it's because I'm matured already? Or maybe I should just admit that I'm old.

I was supposed to be out shopping for a prom dress with my sister for her prom come December. Well, as how nature goes, usually, the person intending to buy clothes would not find anything suitable, and the person tagging along will buy loads of stuff. I didn't really buy loads of stuff, but I bought one expensive item.

The Europa Woven Dress by adidas.

From the online description from here:Europa Woven DressTrends and styles seem to come and go, but good design is forever. Proof of that comes in this lightweight woven dress. Inspired by an archived piece from the '70s, this slim-fitting garment looks both sleek and sexy when worn as an overcoat or dress.

The moment I draped that over myself, and looked into the mirror, I told myself that I was getting it. And so I did. Set me back by a lot, but it's so damn worth it.adidas original~

The thing about the dress that I like about it is that is has two zippers, so I can unzip from the top and from the bottom and wear it like a trenchcoat, but because of the two zippers, I can also wear it as a dress in cold places. I think I'll wear it to school one day for the exams~

I checked the website, it comes in four colours, but Singapore's only retailing the black one, just about it, I think the black one looks the nicest. Okay, the Mustang doesn't look too back, with the red trimmings, but there's something about it that doesn't make it look classic enough. The pink one is just too pink. I do like pink, but that's just too much. The green one just looks like a Christmas tree, especially with the cutting of the dress, it flairs out quite a bit like a Christmas tree. The black one is still the best, but what's better than the best is that I OWN IT NOW~

She stood at the bus stop, waiting for the internal shuttle bus to take her to another faculty. It was raining, not that heavily though, the sky was clearing up from the heavy rain just minutes before. She just finished a tiring lecture and was on her way to a boring one. It was one of those days again which she felt old and haggard, and life was bland and boring.

In a fleet of a moment, she saw something familiar. Either he looked like him, or he was him. She wasn't sure. He got off the Bukit Timah Campus shuttle bus and walked towards Eusoff Hall. She thought, a law student who lives in Eusoff Hall. Was that really him? Or was it just that she just so wanted to see him again, or perhaps it was just someone who looked somewhat the same.

She scrutinised at him. 1.72m tall at the most, not very tall, check. Sharp clean face, with a well shaped head, quite a common face among the jocks, check. She looked at the legs, bow shaped with bulging calf muscles, definitely a sportsperson, check. Could it be that it was him? It was time that he appeared in NUS. She had always thought that if he were to enrol in a university, it'd most likely be NUS, unless he went overseas. If he were to enrol in NUS, he'd most likely do Arts, probably History, or Political Science. But after three months, she hadn't spotted him around the campus.

Could it be that he went to Law instead? He was every bit the Law student material. Smart, good in language, smart, very smart, cute, very cute, good in language, everything. Perhaps that explained why she never saw him around campus before.

A Eusoff Hall resident? Very likely. Considering his background in sports and other extra cirricular activities, he had a very high chance of getting into Eusoff Hall, and it was also very likely that he would shine in there. It also helped that he was cute.

but the face she saw at the bus stop wasn't the same drop dead cute face she had etched in her mind. She always thought that he was almost god-like in his good looks, but somehow, that face she saw, although was cute, but was not as breath taking as she expected of him. So was it him? There was also a high chance that she was just imagining that she would meet him in school one day, and just conveniently thought that that might be him just because they look somewhat similar.

He didn't look straight in her eye. Probably he didn't notice her, or maybe he didn't recognise her. Or maybe, he just didn't know she and it was just a case of mistaken identity. Still, that little encounter made her heart flutter a little bit. He was still as capable as she thought him to be.

She thought about things again, as always she would do. What if they were to meet again? Would she be able to muster up courage to say hi? She thought about him again, and all those stuff that went by in the past, eight years of darkness. Now that she left the cave, and found another cave, would she be reminded of the first cave she was in before? Can she even still behave as if nothing had happened before?

She didn't know.

As much as she wanted to see him again, just to determine if that person was indeed him again, she hope she needn't have to come face to face with him. She was not ready to face her past yet, especially when her current life is in such a big mess after the final closure.

Friday, November 17, 2006

I hate all cabbies in the world. Being a cab driver is the worst occupation ever in human history. And all cab drivers are the lowliest beings ever, ever.

But I still take cabs ever so often.

bah~ I hate cabs but I can't live without them. Even my dad has to remind me every time not to bad mouth the cab driver during my journey. If I want to scold them, do it only after I alight, or whilst I'm alighting. Okay, granted, I've met quite a number of good cabbies before, and know that not all cabbies are bad, cheating, horny assholes, but I still hate the vast general. HATE!

Okay, maybe another part of me hates taking cabs even more, and the hatred for the cabbie just got implicated. Whatever.

I think the cabbing gods hate me, so I have all reasons to hate them back. I don't care~ bleah bleah bleah... Yea, call me a spoilt kid, I just am so sick and tired of cabs, why can't somebody just invent a teleportier machine, or gift the art of apparation a la Harry Potter to mankind. bah!

I wanted a fast way to school this morning, so I cabbed. To me absolute horror, there was an accident on ECP/AYE just after Fort Road exit. Lanes 1 and 2 were down. Jam. At a bloody offpeak hour somemore. Recall some Fridays back, I went to school, accident on ECP/AYE just after Keppel Road exit. Lanes 1 and 3 were down. Jam. At a freaking, bloody, kanina offpeak hour somemore! Fuck sia... A 20min ride to school turned 40min, a $13 cabride turned $16. kanasai.

If those assholes in the accidents aren't dead yet, I hope they die, and burn in hell. What a disturbance.

Next time anyone wants to die, can don't die in road accident anot. If you want to die in road accident, go get knock down by car, don't go and drive and collide with another car. Don't go ECP/AYE to die. Don't die during offpeak hour. Next time want accident, have it at like 7.30am, or 7pm, clog up those stupid office workers peoples' cars, make them suffer the high cost of petrol, more destructive. And hor, next time accident don't take up 2 lanes, one lane more than enough. Go kiss someone's ass, I don't care 10 car 20 car back to back crash, just keep it in oone bloody lane, erm, pun not intended, but it sounds nice, so I'll keep the bloody pun.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary.You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts.All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

Incidentally, I was born during sunrise, dawn actually. I think it's a nice time to be born. I don't know why but I've this misconception that morning babies are better than afternoon babies, night babies are not bad too. Anyway, this test is quite true of me, as in the explanation. But in person, hehe, I don't sleep till sunrise. lol~

You Are a Red Flower

A red flower tends to represent power, seduction, and desire.At times, you are loving like a red tulip.And at other times, you're very enthusiastic, like a bouvardia.And more than you wish, your passion is a bit overwhelming, like a red rose.

Red is my colour. This test sounds quite true too. Power, seduction, desire. Those are things I want, but somehow fall from my reach, maybe I need to work harder at it. ah well...

You Belong in Fall

Intelligent, introspective, and quite expressive at times...You appreciate the changes in color, climate, and mood that fall bringsWhether you're carving wacky pumpkins or taking long drives, autumn is a favorite time of year for you

Some people asked me what season I love most, in fact, I love all seasons as long as there are seasons. I hate Singapore being one season throughout the year. I like the range of seasons, having spring and all the flowers, summer and having to wear little little, autumn and the tinge of sadness that comes along with it, and of course winter for the snow. I don't really think I like wacky pumpkins and stuff, but I do like the silent sadness and introspectiveness that comes to me during autumn time.

You Belong in New Zealand

Good on ya, mateYou're the best looking one of the bunchThough you're often forgotten...You're quite proud of who you are

I always tell my friends, if I really sat down and studied for all my tests and exams, if I don't put off my papers till the last minute, if I do adequate research and spend more time on my papers, having As is well within my reach. But it is because Joan is the lazy fat procrastinating ass that somehow she just becomes this mediocre student. Take my first semester for example, when I was still a fresh faced student with the drive and not many distractions, I did very well. See me now, I do ALL my papers last minute, I NEVER study for anything, I smoke my way through. So, should I be contented with my grades? Knowing that for a normal person doing things that I'm doing would warrent an F...

I know I ought to be shot for saying this, but I really can't be bothered to study. My expectations of myself is low, hence I really need not be bothered to do anything to motivate myself and make good use of my brains. Okay, put it simply, I'm just too lazy. Sometimes I hate myself for this, but what to do, this is me mah...

When I was in JC, I never studied. I ate and slept in school throughout my term there. I grew fat and lazy. I somehow managed to scrape through with the bare minimum needed to be promoted. I never was the worst student in class, somehow I just fitted right in the middle, mediocre. I wasn't happy in my JC hence I never saw a need for me to study. My aim was to get to NUS FASS, nothing else matter. I don't need to get into Law or some other swanky faculty, I can't qualify for other faculties because I was an Arts student. I needn't any scholarships or stuff because my dad would pay for my tuitions fees (just shoot me, won't you). I'm a bum basically.

I managed a CEE C6 for my prelims.

I decided that I needed serious help for my Maths. I went for a crash course, studied everything back from the basics, picked topics like mad, and only studied for the topics I picked. Six weeks. I learnt what took others 2 years to learn, okay, granted, I think I only learnt like 70% of the whole course since I picked topics.

The result was that I scored ABB B3 for my A Levels. I know it's not really that impressive, but it was a major achievement for me. I saw my Maths grade improved from an E to an A, it was like woohoo~ I knew from that day that I can make it, if only I put in the effort, if not I'd be mediocre. I know some of the people around me were shocked at my results, jealous maybe, because I never struck them as academically inclined. I was mediocre, remember? I was a big slack, remember? I know some people might think that an ABB is nothing since you guys are like getting straight As, and I do mean like 4As, but well, that's you, not me. Granted, I didn't study for my other two subjects anyway, and I was very very very surprised and happy that I got a B for my Econs (I got an E in my prelims).

However, I was still disappointed with my results. I wanted like an A, for my History. I got a C for my prelims, a B was an improvement, but a B coming from the back of two spectacular improvements, makes the B so much dimmer for it in my forte subject. I know I only have myself to blame, for not putting in as much effort as I did for my Maths (I had luck there too, since I only studied like 70% of the whole syllabus). If not I can get that A easily.

Go back secondary school, and even primary school, I had a couple more disappointments, which to most of the population shouldn't be disappointments at all, but it is to me. And as with my History, I can say it's only myself to blame, that I didn't study. It's my fault. Looking back, I can not very proudly say that in my whole school life, I'm not the sort of person who studies. I stopped studying since I entered Tao Nan School, I relied a lot on my other matter to get me through. And it was also then I became mediocre.

Sometimes I look at the other mediocres alongside me, I chuckle. It weird seeing those mediocres being mediocres only because they study, but I'm a mediocre because I don't. Also, becuase I'm so allergic to studying, I have this disdain for muggers. But well, that's just me...

On to more recent times, this semester I had a couple of tests, did a couple of papers, did some projects, and got back my results. Mediocre? Yup~ That's about it. Regret? Maybe a tinge bit, that bit that says, if I had put in just that bit more effort, I could have done so much better. The other bit that says, oh but you did make better usage of your time (like watching that interesting anime and reading that romance manga, ha!). I still have myself to blame for me being mediocre.

Take my Singapore Film test for example. I could had 9/15. I can't remember... If I had studied, I confirmed can get 3 more points. I managed to spot the other 3 points question and got the whole score so I know that I can get that 3 points from the other question which I did not manage to spot correctly. The opportunity cost in this case is the 3 points. Now, the thing is that if I were to assess if this opportunity cost was worth the price to pay, I think perhaps I'd say yes. If I were to say yes, then I have to be very contented with my results right? I passed leh, I passed without studying.

Then there was my yet another B grade for my War and Society module. I have been getting Bs since the beginning of time. I remember my first B from Farrell, he added a "(generous)" behind it which basically made me want to cry, laugh, and smack him in the face. Since then, every semester he has been saying that my papers are improving but the grade has still ever since remained a B. To be very very honest, the amount of time I spent on his essays since then has been diminishing. This semester, I didn't even bother to look for him with a draft which I do every other semesters before. To hear him say I'm improving despite me putting in lesser efforts only make me put less effort in his papers, and as a results remaining a mediocre student. If only I can get my butt to work and start my papers with adequate material, I can do better, easily as that.

(Okay, this is big revelation, if Prof Farrell is reading this, I think he'll despise me, but well... I guess I'm still saying it.) For my research paper, Farrell asked me why hadn't I used the most important biography of Truman. Truth is that I never heard of that. My research was done last minute. My materials were collected last minute. My everything was haphazardly done. Yes, I'm so ashamed of myself.

But then hor, I did put in effort for the mid term take home test for this module. I really did. But I got too carried away with what I wanted to express, and was too limited by the word count that I forgot to add in one very important point. sucks... That is myself to blame, though it's not me being lazy. Luckily I found out my mistake and make doubly sure that I did not repeat that in my research paper. If not for my meeting with Farrell over the mid term take home test, I'm bound to repeat the same mistake again. That's my problem, I get too carried away with the "his", that I forget the "story". I guess, in a way, it's some superior being's way of punishing me for being so lazy that they don't allow me to rise above my mediocrity when I try to put in effort.

It was the same for my Singapore Film project. My group put in a lot of effort. A LOT. Much much much more than any other group, I can safely attest for, but it turned out we only got an A-. Okay, an A- is good, but when the reason for the lower (note, lower, not low, I know an A- is not low!) grade was that we added in this scene which stuck out like a sore thumb, and that our sound quality was bad and we didn't put in subtitles. Say if we cut out that sore thumb scene, and we had super good equipment and we put in the subtitles, we could have got that A lor. It's a bit dui to say things like that knowing that it's not because we lack something that rendered us this lower grade.

It turned out to be the same for my German Oral. I made arrangements with Cindy to practise before the test, but well, just say that I was not in the mood to practise ba. I ended up just talking cock, and not doing much serious work. Even during the Oral itself, we were given like 3 minutes to prepare main points for our dialogue, we ended up discussing about some godknowwhatuselessstuff instead. I got a 76/100 for my Oral. Yes, it's good, but when I went through the comments, I realised that had I had put in that bit more effort, I could have got so much higher. My teacher said that I didn't use a lot of vocabulary. Yea... I admit, I didn't bother studying vocab, and since I don't know any vocab, I can't possibly use them right? So, had I had spent that time and effort to memorise that few vocab words, and made use of them, I can score so much better right? See, it's my fault again...

Looking at those grades, I can't say that I've been doing badly, especially considering the effort I put in, so why am I still feeling so unsettled? Should I be contented with my results anot?

Should I study for the exams?

Update: I just got back my score for a piece of written work for my Computing and Society class. 84/100 for a piece of work I did within an hour, right on the last day before the deadline. I don't know if it's a good score or not but it does sound like not a bad score for a mediocre, right? But the stay in line with my topic of contented (or the lack of it), I must say I was a little disappointed although not surprised, not to see my name among the top scorers. The lecturer showed a couple of names (maybe about 10-15 of them) who scored above 90. Ah well.. Me feeling good anyway~

Monday, November 13, 2006

I didn't sleep during my return journey. Instead, I spent that one hour plus thinking about some stuff. Stuff.

I thought about how life is like now, what it could be like, the best possible scenarios, the worst possible scenarios. I thought about how I felt, and why I felt this way. And it all boils down to I'm upset. I hate myself. I really hate myself.

I was thinking, would I commit suicide, do what Armani from 15 wanted to do but didn't manage to do. Jump down the Esplanade and just end everything. I know I can't bring myself to do so. I'm afraid of pain. I'm afraid of the unknown. I also have a lto of unfinished business. I want to know what happens to Vincent and Belle from Triumph in the Skies. I want to know if Conan will become back Shinichi. I want to know if the clone Syaoran will remain as a bad guy or will he turn good, and if the real Syaoran has any feelings for Sakura. And Domeki and Watanuki, what are their roles in the whole Clow universe. I want to know if Haruhi will end up with Tamaki or someone else. I also want to know if Yul can win this season's Survivor. There are still so many things I want to know that I can't bring myself to end my life just like that.

But I'm really tired. I don't know what I'm thinking. You know, it's been a very long while since I last let go of all my emotions and cried out loud. I think I've lost the ability to cry. I guess there can only be that amount of tears in me, and once I've finished them, there are no more for me to use. The feeling of wanting to cry but not being able to is worse than just crying everything out. I really hate myself.

Especially with regards to that route home. I kept thinking if I'd meet her. What if one day I were to meet her, can I still be that strong, that is if I can be considered as strong now. I hate him. I really hate him. About just as much as I hate myself. And as much as I hate the circumstance I'm in right at this moment.

It's not helping that I'm watching a whole lot of depressing anime, reading a whole lot of depressing manga and just being depressed the whole day. Saiunkoku Monogatari's getting more and more melodramatic. Why can't Shuurei and Ryuuki just get married and live happily ever after. Gravitation is just as bad, or maybe at least a bit better because I will soon finish it, but until I finish it, I'll have to grapple with Yuki being so depressed and in turn Shuichi can't feel that all better. Why can't Yuki just face the fact that he loves Shuichi and just go and love Shuichi. I can't wait to finish up reading Gravitation, then start on something new. Perhaps Kare Kano (His and Her Circumstances). It seems funnier, at least I hope it is funnier. At least I know that the male protagonist will get together with the female protagonist. sucks... I need something more mainstream.

I wish my life was off a fictional novel. Then at least I know I'd get something at the very end of things. I really hate it that there's no front for me to walk towards to. I always think, I always think so some shit and make myself feel worse. That time I was once told, an assurance, but well, that time was that time, and that time and this time are different times.

And the worst thing, exams are just around the corner. I didn't realise that exams are that soon, but I guess I really have to get things done soon.

I don't know how I actually manage to keep up my smiles when inside me I'm crumbling by the minute. I'm afraid, very afraid. Maybe that's why I'm following my manga/anime that closely, I want to escape from the real world. Someone once told me that I can't just live in my own constructed world, I can't read too much manga, can't watch too much anime, they'll all skew my thoughts of the real world. Like if I read too much yaoi, I'd start to love all those boys while not minding that they don't love me at all. Oh well, I'm already not minding if no one loves me at all, so I don't see that reading less manga will make someone love me.

I really should channel all my energy to finish up my collection of short stories. I thought of the title already. Tales of Steven and Scarlett. Steven otherwise known as Ming. I decided that Scarlett shall call him Steven, but Shan will call him Ming, and I decided to spell Scarlett with two Ts. And I decided to let Adele die off. Adele only refers to that young girl who died, the rest will all be Scarlett. I will need to edit the earlier pieces of which the characters were unnamed.

That time someone also once said that I shouldn't write too much because the more I write the more I take after the characters and I'm in fact screwing myself left right centre. I don't deny that I'm taking after my characters more and more, but well... I wonder if I'd end up as an as screwed up writer like Yuki, and spend the rest of my life going in and out of the psychaitrist. hehehe... At least Yuki has Shuichi.

It's the time of the semester when the students are given the chance to grade their teachers. wahahaha~ I like doing this Student Feedback Exercise because I've nothing better to do.

Before you start to think this is the most fun thing, please remember that this is not anonymous at all. I don't know how NUS goes about doing this, but I strongly believe that in NUS, nothing that a student does can be anonymous because BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING. yea... It's that scary, but what to do, as one of my profs once said, "NUS is a microcosm of Singapore". I like his analogy, and I always quote him when talking about NUS. It's a pity that he has left NUS already, but well, of course he'd leave what, but it's also a pity that sometimes because of some stuff going on, some good people have no choice but to want to search for a better working environment. Money can only bring us this far, it cannot bring us all the way. For NUS to become a top global school, it needs to do more than to attract good teachers over with cash incentives, but need to provide them with an enjoyable working condition.

I just did mine. One reason that I did it was for the stupid CORS points.

Show you guys some stuff I did for my feedback exercise.

This is the first time I've graded a teacher that badly, but yes, I do not enjoy his lessons at all. Oops... Now, I've narrowed down the gender of the teacher, we all know that he can only be three of my other modules. lol~

Really, nothing much will come out of this exercise, no teacher will be sacked because of incompetency, or any other reason, so it's just for the statistics. Or maybe sometimes, when there's really a whole lot of complaints then maybe some action will be done. I think some other profs once told be that if the feedback is good, there might be bonuses for them. erm... Okay, I sure don't wish that that guy above should get any bonus. In fact, I think if he could do that module then every single student can also do that module too, do as in teach. bahaha~

Of course, I'm not that all a mean person and goes to condemn every single teacher. The other teachers all got very glowing feedbacks from me. And very constructive comments too.

Like this one.A very constructive comment, right?

Even if I don't put this up on my blog I think the person would know who gave this comment even without the feedback not being anonymous. erm... I just realised that the above sentence doesn't make sense. Okay, Even if this is an anonymous feedback, even if I didn't put this up in my blog, the prof who received this feedback can guess that it was me who gave this comment. Does this sound more coherent? hahaha... And it's also very obvious who this comment was directed to, right? wahaha~

Some more constructive comments~I can be nice too, you know~

Yea, it's also very obvious who these comments were directed to. There's only once prof in the entire school that "cute" can be used to describe her. Sometimes I think that the way she looks, the way she carries herself, the way she dresses, she can pass off for a student lor. I'm so damn jealous. wahaha~

Then as again, with the past semesters (except the last when I was on exchange), I nominated that that that guy for the outstanding educator award thingie. I've been nominating him for like five semesters already and he like never win like that leh... wah kau... Actually there are a lot of people I want to nominate every semester but can only nominate one person. hai... If can nominate more people, I'd really want to nominate Dr Edna Lim and Frau Niemann too. I think they were damn good this semester.

Anyway, I've already submitted the feedback so I can't make changes now. Good luck to all my profs, except for that one I do not like, okay, it's not him personally, but more of the module and the setting of the module and the background of everything that I really hate.

One totally irrelevant thing.I realised that there's this guy in one of my project group this semester has been in one of my classes for every semester (except when I was pn exchange). From my sem I to this sem, every semester, in my class, and the classes ranged from PS to SE to HY classes. Okay, since it's only four classes, so that makes it one PS (1101E)in my first semester, one SE (1101E) in my second semester, he was in my tutorials somemore lor. Then there's Total War in my sem III, there's no tutorials for that class, but this sem, he's in my War and Society, tutorial group again. wahaha...

Okay, my main point is that, after him being in like all my classes and tuts every semester, I"VE NEVER NOTICED HIM BEFORE. This is damn sad sia. You'd think that I'd notice some familiar faces about, but no lor, I don't know why I've never noticed him before lor. At first when he said he was in my class before I thought it was only in Total War, then he went on saying that he was in my tutorial for SE1101E. Okay, that wasn't that bad if I try to think hard and recall, then he said he was in my PS1101E tutorial. wah lau... No matter how much I try and think and recall, I cannot remember him in there at all lor.

Indecisiveness is one big big pet peeve of me. I hate people who are indecisive, especially if it comes from a male, but I also have great dislike for females who are indecisive. Waste my time only. For a horrible date, the worse thing is that the guy doesn't have any idea where he wants to bring me go, and he doesn't want to go to anywhere I chose. It's just crap la. Basically I'd be fine with whereever just as long as there is a place to go.

I don't really like flirtatious people, but I don't really have any big hated for flirtatious people. Deceptive? I don't know... Maybe because of things that have shaped my life, I have a big problem with trust issues, and deception is a breech of trust. I think the thing about me being a pisces is that I'm sensitive, so whether or not I'm told the truth, I can tell. ah well... Another thing to note, I also hold great contempt for those smooth talkers, telling people only what they want to hear. That's like being a salesman like that. People who know me know I don't talk crap, and I mean well because of it. I don't go around telling people they look good just to make them happy, in fact, when there's a need, I'd tell them otherwise. Heed it, or ignore it, I'm just saying things out of concern.

Pisces, Taureans, Virgos, Scorpios.

I like the romance of a pisces, but I don't think two pisces will go well together, but from past experiences, things weren't too bad. If *someone* didn't lie to me, if I didn't remember wrongly, *he* is a Taurean. I like Virgos, I think Pisces and Virgo is a good match. Quite a number of people whom I've liked, especially that erm person, erm... yea... Virgo, very attractive people to Joan. Scorpios? hehehe~ Joan just has a thing for Scorpios. I have somewhat of an obsession over Scorpios because they have all the dark character traits that appeal to me to want to know them more, to get hurt by them.

Ahh... I miss the times when I could date freely and happily and/or bitch about the horrible dates. I have so absolutely no life now.

Scene 1: PrologueHY: 你觉得出国怎么样? (What do you think about going overseas?)Scene 2: Quarrel SceneHY: 等下去哪里? (Where should we go later?)MY: 随便 (Anything.)HY: 你要吃什么? (What do you want to eat?)MY: 随便 (Anything.)HY: Eh, what's wrong with you? Are you okay?MY: 为什么你要移民? 为什么不要留在新加坡? 你走了那我怎么办?(Why do you want to migrate? Why don't you want to stay in Singapore? What will happen to me if you leave?)HY: Come with me lah, I already bought your air tickets already. 难道你不要跟我一起走吗? ( Don't you want to come with me?)MY: 为什么你就是不懂 (Why don't you understand?), I want to stay here. My parents and my friends are here. Why should I leave? HY: I am doing this for our future. I am offered a better job at London. We can live a more comfortable life down there. Besides... look...look around you everybody is migrating. We should do the same. Isn't this for our own good?MY: I just want to stay here. Why are you so selfish? My career just took off.HY: We have been talking about this for so long. Why can't you understand?MY: Yah, I don't understand. 你有没有想过我的感受? (Have you ever considered my feelings?) I am so tormented. I can't help but worry so much about you. Its only here that I feel safeHY: We have to step out of our safety zone. Don't you get it? I am not going to be an average Singaporean all my life.MY: We used to be happy till you decided to migrate and spoil everythingHY: I can't be bothered with you anymore. No matter what, I am leaving.MY: Yah leave, leave all you want. SilenceMY: How can you just leave me like that?====================================Scene 3: The Transition: Hawker Centre Scene HY: How was your day?MY: Very busy, boss wants me to redo the proposal. One of the office girls wasn't here so I had to do all the paperwork.MY: How was your day?MY: What time did you wake up?HY: I woke up at 3pm today.MY: 这么迟? (So late?)HY: 昨天看球嘛，then和brother喝酒then一起看球, 球很迟差不多两点才完, 回到家都差不多 三点了， 三点睡觉咯。(Yesterday I was watching soccer and drinking with my buddies. It ended quite late, about 2 a.m. When I reached home, it's already 3 a.m., so I slept at 3.)SilenceHY: 你觉得出国怎么样? (What do you think about going overseas?)MY: 我们不是刚刚去峇厘岛? (We just came back from Bali, right?)HY: 这样移民呢 ? (Well, how about migration?)

Scene 4: Dating Scene HY: What a beautiful night tonight.MY: Yah! See, so nice.HY: Yah, Nice!MY: Wouldn't it be nice to get married here?HY: Really?MY: Yah... Why?HY: hmm.. 你觉得出国怎么样? (What do you think about going overseas?)MY: 出国出去玩玩不錯阿HY: okay....Silence before fading out====================================Scene 5: Meeting SceneMusicMY: Sorry! Sorry!HY: It's okay, it's okay.MY: Eh? You read Dewar too?HY: Oh? Ya...MY: I've been looking for this book for very long.HY: But, err... It's the only book in the library... But if you want you can have it first.MY: Oh it's okay...HY: No, seriously, I've got other books to read.MY: Really? Thank you! But how am I going to return it back to you?HY: Hmm that's a good question.MY: Err, why not we exchange numbers?HY: SureMusicHY: Oh anyway your name is...?MY: Err hi I'm Manyi, you?HY: Err I'm Hung YiMY: Oh ok.

Here are some exclusive behind the scenes photos~

As you can see, or maybe you can't, but still, this is by far the project which I spent the most time one, 4 full weekends, which makes it 8 full days of filming and having fun. Yea... This is also by far the project which I had the most fun working on. After all the hard work, fun is still the key.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

I'm feeling better. I think food helps. But no, didn't have any peanut butter or any sweet stuff, I hate sweet stuff. Instead I had fried eggs with lots of dark soy sauce. I think salt, MSG and soy sauce are my good friends~ lol~ Anyone who's ever ate Japanese would know how much soy sauce I can consume. Actually, salty stuff are a lot more unhealthy than sweet stuff, but I just like salty stuff leh, heck health la.

I was thinking, since change is already in put, I should just forget about trying to rectify stuff, just let things be gone and hopefully what I can receive next is better.

After these couple of emo post, I promise to put up something good. Maybe a short story or some pictures. It's been a very long time since I have taken photos. Okay, the reasons that I stopped camwhoring is because of my gain in weight. I'm still trying to accept that I'm no longer the old thin Joan but some fat person who can't fit into her clothes. No, I'm not buying more clothes, because I really do wish that I can get back my old figure. Maybe after my emo period when I'm less reliant on food, I can do some dieting.

I can't wait for 10pm, I want to watch the new show, Triumph in the Skies or something like that. I'm in love with Joe Ma.

Yup... And one thing more. I've been adding a dash of vodka into my apple juice lately, and it tastes great~ Better than with orange juice, I personally think, so maybe you guys can try out that concotion yourself.

Monday, November 06, 2006

It's so difficult. I feel so drained now. Don't know how much longer can I hold back my tears. I just wish... I don't know, people are always changing, even the friends I thought I could count on are no longer here.

I've cravings for peanut butter, I don't know why. I hate peanut butter. I haven't eaten peanut butter for at least 10 years already. And suddenly I have cravings for them. crap... And because I hate peanut butter, there isn't any at home. sigh...

A Jimmy Lin song originally written and sung by some Japanese group.Melody by Yamashita Tashuro, Chinese lyrics by Wu Yukang

我站在巴士站看你们看他在你无名指上亲吻钻戒的shining约定的甜蜜该给你祝福的吻

爱就像你裙上的玫瑰今后只在别人身边翻飞我只能回忆 却不能靠近我是被谁放弃

爱一场倾盆大雨找一颗落单湿透的心那个人想大哭 想大喊想向你大步奔去

If I could抢回你的爱将遗憾一把推开欠你的甜 欠你的泪我用未来还抢回你的爱我才能明明白白就是苦 就是输因为你 爱让我勇敢

抢回你的爱将过去都属回来爱是自私 也是宽容爱公平很难

I have the CD if anybody's interested.

There are a lot of things that I can do if I could, but in the end, it's just that I don't want to do it. If I could... I could do a lot of things... Really, but the whole point of saying if I could is only because I didn't, I don't want, I am unable to bring myself to do it. In the end, the vicious cycle continues.

Even though I'm here rambling on in the middle of the night hearing some 9 year old song and appearing to be so emotionally screwed, I have to admit that somewhere deep inside me, I'm quite contented. I'm happy, not the haha happy, but the contented kind of happy. I'm not one who is interested in all those pompous stuff, I'm just a simple girl, and it's very easy to make me feel contented, I guess all the right cards were being played for me to feel this way.

Like in the song, even though he can sing that he want to fight back the love, well, I'd infer that that's all in his imagination. yea... I can think aboout lots of stuff too. Of course, every night I'd wish that I can fight for my own happiness too, but after the explanations of the first two stanzas, well, the answer is very obvious. I know even if I fought for anything, I'd just get nothing, so instead of fighting and losing everything in the process, why don't I just stick to the status quo and be contented? yea... I'm so easily contented.

Feed me a plate of char kway teow and another plate of hokkien mee and I can eat out of your hand forever. So who else dares to say I'm one high-maintanence chick?

爱是自私 也是宽容 爱公平很难Even though I might plot lots of so called coincidental meetings in my mind and sink down to my most vindictive vengeful mode, well, in the end, I won't do anything. Why? 爱, that simple. It's not fair for me, it's not fair for anyone else.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

I didn't realise that Survivor was already screening in the US and that Channel 5 had played me out by not only not having satellite broadcast, but worse still did not even have a same day broadcast. Luckily, I manage to follow onto the trails of Survivor thanks to the mighty internet. I was following dillently all the summaries of what happened every episode when finally Channel 5 announced their decision to broadcast Survivor. But I've already been spoiled.

Somebody was telling me that he hates to be spoiled. For me, I can accept, in fact I want to to spoiled, in some occasions. Like I want to know what happened, so that I can prepare myself for either excitement or disappointment. Like if I know what's going to happen in Survivor, I'll pay more attention, after all, to me, the thing that attracts me to Survivor is not the outcome of who win that million dollars, but how that person went about winning it. One thing to note, I hate being spoiled for books and movies if I know I'm going to know the ending like soon. wahaha~

For the longest time, Survivor has been touting itself this season as spilting the Survivors into racial groups, and it has been attracting much flak about it, to me, it's just another gimmick. CBS would never allow itself to be racially controversial even though it's not a Singaporean broadcasting corporation. wahaha~ So the groups are...

The African Americans.I think they are only together because theur skin colour is a bit darker than the rest because basically you can see Sundra and Rebecca not really that black, neither is Nate, but well, after hearing Nate use a double negative, well, he is an African American I guess. So there's also Sekou and Stephannie in the group. I'll talk more about the group's performance later, I'll just talk about how I feel about this group when I first saw them. I don't like Sekou. He just comes across to me as a not very likable person, to me.

The Asian Americans.There are two Koreans, one Vietnamese, one Filipino, and one mixed, but they all looked Mongoloid, which made me come to think, does Mongoloid means Asian? Some forumers were saying that the Philippines isn't Asian. Well, what about Indians, Sri Lankans? Now, to complicate the Asian question again, how about Khazahstan? I don't know how many heard about the Miss Asia competition which Miss Khazahstan won, she looked well, Causasian more than anything else. Oh well, I'm supporting the Asian Americans anyway by nature of fact that I'm also an Asian. Oh, and Yul and Brad are so damn shuai. I prefer Yul though, because he's more polished. The rest in the group are Jenny, Becky and Cao Boi.

The Hispanics.Well, Billy and JP don't exactly strike out as Hispanic to me, and neither does Ozzy, even Christina don't looks that Hispanic to me, it's only Cecelia. Oh man, she does look like one Latino beauty, with her body being so shapely. wahaha~ I guess they were all labelled as Hispanics only because they all had dark brown hair. At first glance, I hate Billy. He looks like Sekou, as in all talk no action and can't seem to do anything. I thought they were also one pretty strong team.

The Causasian Americans.okay, they all look Caucasian to me, but why is a Caucasian named Parvati??? lol~ Parvati's an Indian name, an Asian name, even in Harry Potter stereotyping, Parvativ Pavril was an Indian in the movie. lol~ Okay, I was at first quite attracted to Jonathan because he's a writer and I like writers, and it's very cute that his family name is Penner. lol~ Candiace and Adam somehow managed to pair up in the show, but they aren't as gross as Romber. Flicka well, is the oddball of the group, I think she seems like a very sweet girl, but well, being odd will harm one's chances.

Notice that there are 20 survivors this season? I wonder how will those 20 people be slowly eliminated... I hope CBS can surprise me and do a couple of good twists to the show, but one thing, no more return of the booted survivors. NO MORE. I don't think there would be though since we have 20 survivors to boot. I hope there are more episodes though, I just can't seem to get my Survivor fix, especially that I didn't finish watching last season's because I had to go over to Germany.

Okay, let's go into the show proper, the first episode was broadcasted last week, and I'll talk about it without spoiler warnings, okay, I'll talk about the first two episodes without spoiler warnings, but when I talk about subsequent episodes, I'll put up the *** signs, okie?

The first two episodes were of the above mentioned groupings, so it was a pretty small group, I think small groups are easier for people to bond, but also easier for big frictions. As we can see in the first two episodes, it was luckily it was a small group that the Asians were able to bond together despite Cao Boi being the oddball, but also it was because it was a small group, Sekou and Billy's obnoxious attitudes was so stark. Oh, and Adam and Candiace got together.

The first boot was Sekou. It didn't come off as a surprise because it was very obvious that the Africans were the weakest link. Even though they managed immunity in the following week, their immunity came because the Hispanics threw the challenge. If the Hispanics didn't throw the challenge, the Africans were bound to lose the challenge. Even when the Hispanics were taking their time to do their stuff, they were always catching up with the Africans that they had to slow down their pace all over again. It was so funny trying to watch the Africans trying their best to win and the Hispanics trying their best to lose and it seemed to the both groups that it was so difficult for them.

I think that the Hispanics shoudn't have thrown their challenge, but well, it has been thrown and I really didn't like Billy. Billy is one mad guy, especially when he started declaring his love for Candiace when Candiace already had Adam. Honestly, Billy is like trash when compared to Adam lor, how can Candiace have like Billy, Billy really have no common sense sia.

We aren't seeing much of the Caucasians because I suspect that CBS editors don't really want to be accused of favouring the Caucasians. And also to dispel saying that this season is racially bias, the CBS editors have edited to show the Asians in a very good light, I think. Even for the oddball Cao Boi, he was shown to be entertaining. And Yul is our this season's Captain America. He's like Tom, only younger, smarter, more good looking, and has brains. He's like Terry, only very much younger, smarter, more good looking, and more muscles. He is having what some forumers describe as the "hero"'s cut. Every season, CBS wants to fit a hero into the Survivor, and this season, it's Yul, but of course, Yul has to be capable to receive that favouritism from CBS.

Check out Yul's bio. He's really chalk up enough impressive achievements as the previous Captain America Terry. Really, with his achievements, I can say that Yul's the most impressive person walking into Survivor history other than Terry, as in having an all rounded solid resume. Captain Yul~

Look, he's just so shuai~ And he has that oh so solid muscles. Great bod sia. Suddenly I start to fall in love with all Koreans, even though I know that those Koreans on teevee look nothing like Yul at all. All those wussy Koreans on teevee, pooi pooi. Yul is da man.

Yul have struck up an alliance with Becky, the other Korean, and I think they can go far. ***spoilers*** After the merge into two tribes, Yul and Becky and Candiace are the leading members of their alliance and they are the ones calling shots, so I really think that they can make it far. And even after merger into one tribe, I think Yul and Becky will pull in Brad (that is if he makes it to the merge) and Candiace will pull in Adam, and they will call the shots. ***spoilers end here***

I don't think it's a spoiler because we've seen it last night. Yul and his hidden immunity island which he found on Exile Island. Another forumer was saying with regards to episode 2 that Yul was really portrayed in a very good light. Over at the Hispanics, Ozzy was starting to shine, being the group's main provider and everything. Ozzy was shown trying to trap chickens with a net and having his tribemates around helping to lower the net together catching one chicken. Impressive? Cut in to Yul, hiding behind a bush with his chicken trap in front, the other tribemates watching from a distance, no talk is needed. And dear Yul trapped two chickens! Impressive! the forumer was saying, everything Ozzy can do, Yul does it better... lol~

And Yul found the hidden immunity idol like faster than Terry can say Captain America. Just hope that Yul will make better strategic use of it than Terry.

***spoilers***Currently US has already shown up till episode 7. We are left with 1 Hispanic only, Ozzy. erm... I don't think racial mix has anything to do with it since it was mostly the same race people deciding to vote out the same race people. I think Ozzy will go far because he's strong. In fact, Ozzy is my second favourite surivor after Yul. There are 3 Africans left, Sundra and Rebecca are quite under the radar people, so they might go far too. I don't know who was saying but after that person said it I felt it too, Sundra reminds me a bit of Sandra, the one who won Pearl Islands, a Hispanic winner of the million dollars. There are 4 Asians and Caucasians left. If Survivor was a statement of the strongest race, well, Asians having like the longest culture and the Europeans having spearheaded the Industrial Revolution and the beginnings of the modern era, oh well...

And I'm really starting to hate Parvati. She's like a big flirt but I don't think her charms will be put to much use. Most of the guys there are like either taken or gay, so she can just forget about flirting. The guys who can be affected by charms have already been voted out. Oh, and speaking of gays, Brad is gay. Nothing against gays, just that I thought it was an interesting fact to highlight. And Brad is damn shuai too. I'd like him to go far too. lol~ Actually, in terms of looks alone, Brad is better looking that Yul, but Yul just has that background and everything that adds on so much more to his charm.***end of spoilers***

I really enjoy this season's Survivor, only that there hasn't been one clear cut bad guy in the shown. Jonathan was previously shown stealing Yul's chicken, but after the ***spoilers*** third episode, when Jonathan was the one who picked Yul and even saying it by his name, and them joining together in the alliance, Jonathan didn't seem so bad after all. ***end of spoilers***

Can't wait to watch more Survivors. I hope Yul does a Tom and for this season again allow the hero to win the game~

die xxoos der joan

xxoos otherwise known as jal4eva, or more commonly to her friends Joan Ang. xxoos is always in small casings as it means kisses and hugs, or what she'd like it to mean, hugs and kisses and a tongue. die xxoos der joan just means the hugs and kisses of joan.