One of our favorite shows has always been The X-Files. We've argued over its finer points on conspiracies, human-alien hybrids, and sheriffs who turn into werewolves for years. Even in its new life of perpetual syndication, it calls to us late at night, daring us to solve the riddle of writer Chris Carter's convoluted vision.

But our favorite characters, The Lone Gunmen, truly needed a theme song worthy of them, so Anthony wrote one. Here it is, sung to the tune of Don Henley's "Sunset Grill".

Let's go down the Lone GunmanAnd watch the Cancer Man go byWatch the alien hybrids oozing greeenish drizzleStare up as the ships fly high

There's a trio who found the secretsTo them they're all the sameKnows that the Con is all to blame

Down at the Lone GunmanDown at the Lone Gunman

You see a lot more weirdness on 'The X-Files'The kind that eats them up aliveHard to get away with anything that looks like evidenceHard to keep Skinner on their side

These days the Con leads them onwardAnd they're spinning in one placeNot even one genetic trace

Down at the Lone GunmanDown at the Lone Gunman

Detectable aliens rarely stayThey get less detectable everydayDont worry Fox, the truth's out thereAnd someday soonWe're gonna hack the right files and reveal it all --

[Solos, weird noises]

Lets go down to the Lone GunmanWatch the Cancer Man go byWatch the alien hybrids oozing greenish dribbleStare up as the ships fly high

And maybe they'll get their own seriesMeanwhile, here's another yearWhat is Chris Carter trying to say here anyways?Besides, Robert Patrick's here

Sung to the tune of "Do You Know The Way To San Jose", by Bacharach and David

Do you know the route to CoruscantNaboo, I cannot stayThough the blockade is in my wayDo you know the route to CoruscantSenators there convene,But now I'm stuck on Tatooine

Obi-Wan's a real cute JediTake his ponytail, you'd have a starBut that guy Qui-Gon will never get farDissing Queen Padme behind her backThe joke's on him'Cause on a whimI pulled a switch-with-guard attack

I have no more friends on Coruscantwo-wo-wowowo-wo-wowowoI'll take Anakin to Coruscantwo-wo-wowowo-wo-wowowoDo you know the route to Coruscantwo-wo-wowowo-wo-wowowo ...

The climax of Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenixsung to the tune of "Hotel California"

(If anybody can hook me up with someone who will record this under a CC license, I'd be grateful!)

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On the back of a thestralCool wind in my hairWatching Ron and the othersFlail about in midairUp ahead in the distanceI saw the lights of the townMy scar grew painful and my courage grew dimI told my ride to touch down

There we stood in the foyerA bunch of Hogwarts kidsAnd I was thinking to myselfWon't the Ministry just flip their lidsWhen they find that the secretsThat they kept locked awayWere so easy to retrieve at willBy the Teen D.A.!

Welcome to the Ministry of MagicSuch a lonely placeSuch a spooky spaceHundreds of rooms at the Ministry of MagicUnder lock and keyNot a prob for me

Hermione said to be carefulI led them all through the darkWe marked an X on every, every doorThen we got a shockThe Death-Eaters were waitingSweet ironyI was there to save Sirius,He was there to save me.

So I said to BellatrixYou shouldn't be here at all.She said, we do exactly what the Dark Lord saysWhenever we get the call.And still those voices are moaningThey sound so sadLupin said what I didn't want to hear I'd lost another dad!

Welcome to the Ministry of MagicSuch a lonely placeSuch a spooky spaceThey're running around at the Ministry of MagicFresh from AzkabanWhat the hell's their plan?

Malfoy with his wand out,The prophecies on shelvesAnd he said, we need you to grab one of these 'Cause we can't trust house elves.Then the Order broke in,And brought him to defeat.But not before ol' Ron got brainedAnd Neville's legs were beat!

Last thing I rememberI was lying on the floorThe Dark Lord tried to end my lifeBut I was saved by DumbledoreRelax, said the Minister,This is an easy thing to fix.Harry Potter you are off the hookUntil we start Book Six!

Today's game is a strange one: pick a fairly popular (and stupid)song and attach to it the most ludicrous interpretation imaginable.

My move: "Who Let The Dogs Out": I am convinced that this is an allegory about the Protestant Reformation as told from the Pope's (Leo X) viewpoint. The text of the song is Leo, in whose papacy Martin Luther challenged the Catholic Church on matters of scripture and practice, speaking before an assembly of Eurpoean Catholic nobles and decrying the appearance of these dangerous and destructive new forces by crying "who let the dogs out" (ie, Luther and Calvin). Much religous ideolgical warfare of the period in fact invokes the image of the opposition as cunning, dangerous animals. Sir Thomas More, idolized in Catholic intellectual history and the play "A Man For All Seasons" once responded to Luther's challenge of Henry the 8th (back when Henry was pro-Catholic) by vituperatively claiming that all Luther was fit for was to "lick the posterior of a pissing she mule." (I'm not making that up--I've seen the full quote and its attribution.)