Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Slice of Lime-How to Mortify Your Teen and Husband

So the other day I was given a large and noticeably crooked cucumber by a friend who had a bumper crop in her garden. I stuck it in my purse and then went to pick Calypso up then grab some pizza for dinner. We ordered and then decided to stroll along the street while we waited for the pizza to be made. It was during the stroll that Calypso asked why I was packing a giant cucumber. I pulled it out and told her to "stick 'em up!" She told me I needed to put that thing away and stop acting like a lunatic. I threatened her once more before blowing it like a smoking gun and pretending to holster it. "Mother, would you please STOP!"

We walked back to thew pizza shop and Calypso told me I had to keep the cuke in my purse or she would take it away from me. At that point, I just let the end of it stick out and held the bag close while I pet the cucumber like it was one of those dogs bimbos carry around in their purses. I announced it's name was Fifi and began to talk to it in baby talk. Calypso claimed she was not amused but she had a hard time keeping a straight face.

Before we even got home Calypso had put on her Facebook status that her mother was a lunatic cucumber wielding menace to society so of course when I got home I had to use the webcam to continue the menacing by posting a new profile picture with the cuke.

Later on that evening Mr. Lime told me the picture was embarrassing and I should take it down. I was disinclined to acquiesce.

See, this is why I love you. Anytime I'm wondering if I should take up residence in a rubber room, wearing a white jacket with long sleeves that buckle in the back, I need only come here and be reassured that there's more than one of us still roaming around the countryside unfettered by societal norms. And I thank you.

Not only that, but to have done this entire post WITHOUT any of the obvious phallic jokes, but still made it very funny, was a feat right up there with walking on water, as far as I'm concerned. Bravo!

Your story reminds me of this time in college when a friend and I were in a grocery store and there was this gigantic cucumber in the bin with all the other cucumbers. One of us picked it up (can't remember which one of us) and was shaking it saying "Can you imagine this!". Then we noticed one of the grocery store employees were watching us! LOL! :-)

I'm wıth Secret Agent Woman ın thınkıng thıs shenanıgan stayed a whole lot cleaner than we would have expected. And you know the Mr. wanted the pıcture taken down because he was worrıed about untoward comparısons...