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Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Grath Telkin's Head Explodes After B-R5RB

Notorious angry fleet commander Grath Telkin was lucky to escape with his life yesterday when his head literally exploded after his alliance lost dozens of supercapitals in Eve's largest ever battle.

The incident kicked off when the first Pandemic Legion titan went down. Fleet members report Grath being unspeakably angry; he was unable to even form a coherent sentence. Things were made severely worse when another 58 titans belonging to his coalition also met their deaths. On top of all this, someone in fleet then claimed they were set up by CCP to promote publicity for Eve Online.

At this point a large explosion was heard on mumble. Fellow PL FC Makalu drove to Grath's house to check he was okay.

"Part of his skull had detatched itself from his head but I placed that where it should have been, it kind of felt like doing one of those 3D jigsaw puzzles. His brain was still intact so I don't think any harm was done there. Then he woke up, told me he 'wanted every dead motherfucker out of the alliance', and tried to insert his microphone into my rectum. He seemed like his usual self to me but I took him to hospital just to be on the safe side."

Grath reportedly suffered from some amnesia, asking if JEFFRAIDER's alt JEFFTHECHEF was a bad person that was going to cook him, but he recovered and remembered the cause of this unusually severe hypertension within a few hours. Grath agreed to speak with me in exchange for a small donation to #AGMARMONEYTEAM.

"I want to make it clear I have seen retarded before, but until tonight I had never seen fucking retarded. I experienced a fucking new level of fucking stupid retardation. I don't even expect a Brave Newbie to be that stupid. Still, it's made me realise that I should stop getting so angry over this game. But I just can't help it when there are so many shitlords in my fucking alliance."

Grath'scolleague Shadoo had a reaction that was the polar opposite of his, claiming this defeat was 'long overdue' and he'd been praying for this defeat to happen for several years. Nulli members were asked for comment, but none were available as they had been crushed to death by Lazarus Telraven's throbbing erect penis.