Independence Denard: The Dark Before The Dawn

Depending on whether or not BHGP likes it, this is either an homage to or straight ripoff of their posts in this vein, down to J Leman's presence. I have tried to make this up to them in the content. Also, the J Leman picture was first brought to the world in those Big Ten team previews I used to do.

I can't confirm that this is true, if you know what I mean.

INT. CLANDESTINE NORTH CAMPUS GENETICS LAB—MEETING ROOM. 1992

A conference table is surrounded by hooded figures. One throws back the hood, revealing himself to be STEPHEN ROSS, super rich guy. Also seated are JAMES EARL JONES, sith lord, and DOOMED J. SCIENTIST, a scientist.

I hereby bring this meeting of the Evil Michigan World Domination Illuminati to order. First order of business: the Desmond Howard cloning situation.

There have been some… issues. We have successfully dealt with the flippers, but it came at a cost.

You have failed me for the last time, Doomed Scientist.

haacckckackaackak

Always with the force choke, James. Can we get past the bit where you tell him his lack of faith is… disturbing and get on with it.

I still don't see why we can't build a football stadium in the wave field and get Tom Harmon back.

Yes, always with the force choke and the building it and the coming. Moving on. Doomed scientist?

We have now perfectly replicated Desmond Howard's lower body. There are some problems with the torso. As you can see on my powerpoint--

You have failed me—

Yes, for the last time. Spit it out, Doomed Scientist.

The main problem with the torso is that there isn't one. It just kind of… stops.

…

I find its lack of torso—

Yes, yes, disturbing. For the record, I do too. You have created a mindless abomination that can accelerate to full speed in half a second, stop on a dime, and juke like there's no tomorrow. Shoot it in he head.

It doesn't have a head.

Then have Jones mystically force choke it to death. Next order of business: the destruction of Notre Dame football.

Mwahahaha! Seven years of mustache twirling and pot smoking are about to pay off tonight!

You had better hope this plot works better than your last dozen, Zook. My patience runs thin. My pit of ravenous piranhas grows hungry. We must repay our arch-rivals for the generations who have endured nothing but humiliation!

Oh, it will. Hark: here comes the strike team now.

I have done as you asked, distasteful as it is.

mrphpmph.

What's he's saying?

No doubt something like "you'll never get away with this, Hyper-Intelligent Duck That Secretly Runs Illinois." But I will. Mwa. Mwa haahahahaahaa!

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO DESMOND HOWARD'S DISEMBODIED LEGS? WILL BOB ZOOK FACE HIS COMEUPPANCE? WILL TOM BRADY'S BEAUTIFUL FACE BE MANGLED? WILL BLACK HEART GOLD PANTS ORGANIZE A DENIAL OF SERVICE ATTACK ON MGOBLOG? STAY TUNED FOR PART 2: THE INTEGRATION AND INFILTRATION. TOMORROW!

I'm gonna go out on a ledge and guess that Desmond's legs and Brady's arms are fused, but the creation gets stuck in a tanning bed until its melanin counts are pushed through the roof, while leaving a perfect smile intact.

I remember at the end of the Orange Bowl in the '99 highlight video, an out of breath (from, you know, dominating) David Terrell proclaimed that "Tom Brady has the heart of a lion!" I can only hope that Denard gained his superpowers- lionheart pride, iced veins, and the hypnotic leadership ray.

"the Spirit of Michigan...is based on a deathless loyalty to Michigan and all her ways....and a conviction that nowhere is there a better university, in any way, than this Michigan of ours" - Fielding Yost

This is all some ridiculously long lead-up to some scenario where you get to be the Emperor and twiddle your fingers in front of the 1st quarter of the UConn Denardening while saying "everything that has transpired has done so according to my design," isn't it?

. . . it's kind of like when you listen to the Jim Rome show for the first time; the in-joke density is so high you don't even understand what's being discussed, let alone find it funny. I'll chalk it up to it being a me problem.

This made perfect sense to me. I know exactly where you're coming from. In fact I was just there myself on Friday evening.

Let the Hyde out, B. Let him out. Let him squint at the brightness of the sun. Let him stretch his back after being confined for so long. Let him bronze his flesh in the suculent warmth. Do not fear him, he is our strength. Let him out.