(Names being withheld because my Family knows them, but not this situation, and they don't need to know it or who it relates too, sorry)

So last night an older friend of mine (Lets call her A) lost her keys. She and another one of her friends (Who shall be named M) are searching everywhere for them. Just can't find the keys at all and unfortunately it's the only set A and her kids had with them.

Now A's oldest son, who is still in his teens, had just driven off in their other vehicle. A remembers putting the keys on the back seat of the that other car when she needed to get into it for something, however she was positive she had picked up the keys and taken them inside the building, and M had confirmed this, stating that she had seen the keys on the floor next to A's seat.

Unfortunately they have no method to get in contact with A's boy until he gets home, 30 minutes away. So we've got some time to talk.
The topic gets around to some problems that A is having with said son, A is pretty sure he has some minor mental issues due to some problems they've been having in the past few years. He's not acting his old self, he used to associate with other people more, whereas now he tends to isolate himself and doesn't talk much. A doctor has said he's depressed.

Now while I will agree that depression is very much a mental issue, I believe the reason behind his depression is the cause of his erratic behavior.

I'm not a stupid person by any means, but the following sequence of events have played and replayed in my mind all night and all morning.

After A stated that she felt it was just mental problems, M agreed with her. I seriously felt like this was just glossing over the deeper issue, because I've hung around A's son pretty much his whole life, from age 7 on I've known him. And while he might have some mental problems due to depression skewing this thinking, in my opinion it is _not_ the base root of the issue A is having with her son.

He's struggling with his sexuality. I can see it in his haircut, I can see it in his style of clothes, I've recently walked in on him jacking off to gay porn (It was a surprise visit, didn't tell anybody I was coming over, I just happened to be in the area, he was the only one home and unfortunately the curtains to their front window were open as I walked up). I can read it on him plain as day because I've been there, I know what I'm looking at.

No one is ever going to tell me that Homosexuality is a mental issue, I simply will not believe that until I'm presented with fact. That being said, I can understand how something like this can affect an individual, how you're either ashamed or embarrassed to admit this to your family and friends to the point of where you introvert, build up walls around your heart that you don't let people see through, and almost change completely from who you were.

While I feel it's the choice of A's son to tell his parents his feelings, in the conversation last night I knew he has not yet done that, and I wanted to try to broach the situation with A to hopefully help her and her husband open some honest communication with her son about what's going on.

I start off with "I don't think it's really a mental issue.."

Before I got any further, M cut me off with "You know, that sounds like it's coming from somebody who doesn't have a clue."

Me: "..."

I was flabbergasted and I literally had to bite my tongue, cause I was ready to spout something off that I had no business saying and would cause some definite issues.

Then M and A continued on about the various medications that he's taken and stopped taking... and I was just left standing there talking to the rest of A's kids.

This is not the first time M has criticized my thoughts in public, so I'll admit to having some issues with her myself. But for her to say something like that, when I can see plain as day what's going on, left me irritated, agitated, frustrated, aggravated, annoyed and seriously pissed off. As the event continues to replay in my mind I find myself yelling at her in anger, and I really needed to get this off my chest.

I continue to be convinced that no Woman will ever fully understand what goes on in a Man's mind, no matter how well she thinks she can._________________

It's sad how this society has demonized homosexuality so that otherwise "normal" people struggle with it.

It's sad that someone who is able to read the writing on the wall is considered ignorant by those who ignore it._________________
They who can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.
`ท.,ธ,.ท*ฏ`ท.,ธ,.ท*ฏ[;::;]ᵒᴥᵒญญญญญญญญญญญญ)

Posted: Fri May 15, 2009 7:17 pm Post subject:

MayehHand of Heaven

Joined: 27 Feb 2006Posts: 4436Location: Toronto, Canada

It may be a case of De Nile is not just a river in Egypt. They may have a suspicion as to what is really going on, they just do not want to admit it. They may have been trying to keep you from saying something that they do not want to hear. A might have discussed her suspicions with M and M is trying to protect A. All sorts of possible things going on here. Until A's son comes out to his parents, there is nothing that you should do about the situation yourself.

Not sure how your relationship is with A's son, but you could provide a sympathetic ear for him, if you can. This may provide him with the courage to tell his parents.

Not defending M here, just pointing out some other things that could be going on._________________
A new life awaits you in the Off-world colonies! A chance to begin again in a golden land of opportunity and adventure!
- Blade Runner

Posted: Sat May 16, 2009 2:09 am Post subject:

Squitt電 話 武 士

Joined: 17 Feb 2006Posts: 3608Location: Delaware, Ohio

Well I've had a chance to think through this and calm down, I've got company over now so I don't really have a chance to respond. I wanted to thank you all for the responses though._________________

Posted: Sun May 17, 2009 2:26 am Post subject:

Squitt電 話 武 士

Joined: 17 Feb 2006Posts: 3608Location: Delaware, Ohio

I'd like to go back and re-edit my post, but I can't.

I just wanted to apologize if my initial rant offended anybody on here or gave out the wrong impression.

I know ingame that most everybody in tHS I consider much smarter (For lack of being able to find the word I really want to use) than myself, and this is something I've carried this over from real life. Both A and M have their good points that I value very much, and I do call them my friends. Personally I feel it's important to have differing opinions among your group of friends, and this one incident won't affect how I deal with either of them in the grand scheme of day to day life.

Initially I was upset more so than normal at how this played out, but after I was able to get myself to think about what happened, reading the posts here helped me confirm what I had started to suspect while mulling this over at work.

That last line in my initial post fits in perfectly with the thread title, I really wasn't thinking when I wrote that out.

Thanks!_________________

Posted: Sun May 17, 2009 4:15 am Post subject:

TroiboiAntica Addict

Joined: 04 Jun 2008Posts: 170Location: Hendersonville, tn (Nashville)

Truthfully, this is more information than i usually like to convey ingame but in the best interest of the son it's better for him to initiate his coming out. to announce it to his parents before will provide a confrontational experience he may not be ready for, and with the way you described mother it may not work out well that way.

As someone who's been through this, like was mentioned earlier, I would maybe find a way to talk to him, let him know of what's going on (that is if he's not the irrational sort that would fly into the room and demand answers), and sort it out that way.

If anything, a forced coming-out is never good._________________

Posted: Sun May 17, 2009 10:59 am Post subject:

HarmoniGuest

awww hun - it's a hard place to be when you know you are right but others wont listen to you! When at work I have my own version of "the customer is always right" which is that "nobody knows somebody else kids better than they do". Because of the nature of my work I often deal with kids dealing with issues about sexuality although I have fewer cases of students coming out than I have of students being abused which is rly sad. The hardest part is informing the parents as they always get very defensive at the idea that there are things happening in their child's life that they dont know about or that their child would rather confide in someone other than them. If their son is on meds it also implies that at some point a health care 'professional' has diagnosed a condition that required medication - and whilst I tend to think there are times when pills are just handed out willy nilly in this case perhaps to treat the depression without looking for the cause of it - it does make it harder to argue against them as a lay person. Seems like your only option is to offer your support to the son (although if the parents find this out at a later stage they might reasonable feel hurt by your actions) Sounds like you have already realised that people often say things in haste that they do not mean or that they regret later - the whole evening (losing the keys; underlying concern about their son) was pretty stressful for your friends and maybe they spoke more out of frustration rather than considering that you might have had some insight into the situation

Posted: Sun May 17, 2009 2:42 pm Post subject: The son

WumyamyaUlmia's Soulmate

Joined: 13 Feb 2006Posts: 2329

I agree with others who said you should focus on the son. It sounds like he needs a sympathetic ear, and someone to talk to. However, if you do that, be prepared for the parents to blame you if he does eventually come out to them. I don't know all the details, though I suspect you are correct in your assessment of things. It sounds to me like the parents are very afraid, and that can lead to very volatile situations for anyone who inserts themselves into their family situation. I think you should try to be as good a friend to everyone as you can, even if that means taking some unpopular viewpoints with some people.

Wumy_________________

Posted: Thu May 21, 2009 4:24 pm Post subject:

BedbugWhy haven't you asked for a title yet?

Joined: 21 Jan 2009Posts: 209

I don't really need to repeat anything that was said here.

My coming out experience was scary, on a more personal note. I got through it well because I had the love and support of friends before I told my parents. They helped me gain the confidence and even though my parents still don't fully accept the fact that I'm gay, they do accept me as who I am. As contradictory as that sounds, I know.

Having a shoulder to lean on, or an ear to vent to is always a big help._________________

Posted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 4:22 pm Post subject:

JacenWhere's Valkurm?

Joined: 25 Feb 2009Posts: 19Location: Frankfort, KY

Been there done that kinda thing, before I ended up coming out it's like you have a ton of...JUST STUFF sitting on your chest. You dont dont wanna talk, you dont wanna hang with ppl, you really just wanna be alone. If his sexuality is the reaon for his depression, the best thing for him is to come out in due time. Keeping a secret like that can have horrible effects on you.

If you wanna help him, lend him your ear, let him know no matter what it's ok. And my Mom acted like that while I was still in the closet. Chalked it up to mental isssues, when I came out she was alright, maybe a bit to curious, but non the less. Alright.