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Aaron Klee is Jesse Ryder’s manager. That is not like being Mike Hussey or AB de Villiers’ manager. It comes with special tasks. This week he had to write a detailed e-mail explaining why one of the most talented batsman ever born in New Zealand, who has been picking up domestic attacks and tossing them like chicken wings, won’t be coming back to international cricket.

“What?

Jesse has decided that he’s not ready to return to the Blackcaps yet.”

No, no, no, no, no, hell, no. Come on. He must be ready, there’s not an inch of New Zealand he hasn’t flayed a cricket ball to. Mothra wouldn’t be able to cause this much destruction.

“Why?

Jesse is committed to seeing through the plan that has so far been successful.”

This is a T20 world, so this Test match solution to Jesse’s problems seems historic. Surely after one good performance and no off-field indiscretions in three days he should have been out there in the next few days. Time is money, people.

“When will he return?

No decisions have been made on that. It would not be appropriate to try and put a date on a return to the Blackcaps.”

That seems intentionally vague, it’s like saying when the stream runs dry, or on a Tuesday. We need something firm, well I do, so I can plan the first annual Jesse Ryder day. A day when Jessophiles from around the world can meet and wear bandanas as they recreate their favourite innings.

“Does he want to play for the Blackcaps?

Yes. Jesse has remained committed to NZC all the way through.”

Can’t help but notice that Aaron forgot to capitalise BLACKCAPS the way NZC do. Now this could have been an error on his part, or he might be actually be slipping a message, something to the more perceptive of us. The NZC is broken, perhaps. Or capital letters are a stupid idea.

“Will he be available for the tour to England?

Jesse wants to keep to his original plan and the decision to take 12 months out of international cricket. That decision was made last June, so it is unlikely that he will deviate from his plan.”

What is it with cricketers and their milestones. A well-played seven months is just as helpful in the right conditions as a solid 12 months. The New Zealand team might have the world’s best BJ Watling, but a BJ Watling only gets you so far, they need Jesse, we all do.

“Will he play in the IPL?

Jesse’s name is on the auction list. We don’t know if he will be picked up or not.”

Oh, he’ll be picked. Right now there are airline moguls doing overtime, Bollywood actors shooting breakfast cereal ads and Indian conglomerates selling off subsidiaries just to afford him. They want/need him in the IPL. They’re only human.

“Is he going to play county cricket?

Don’t know. There are opportunities to play T20 but no plans have been made”

As a person who lives in the UK, I would personally prefer for Ryder to come to the county cricket. I am sure the ECB would also want Jesse in county cricket. It is what the English domestic game needs, a big-swinging marquee player.

“Is his decision based on the recent issues with the captaincy?

No.”

I see that Klee did not rule out a Jesse run for the leadership. It is possible that all this leaving the game was just a tactic from Jesse to let the team eat itself and then for him to stroll back as captain. Come on, there isn’t a part of you who doesn’t want to see Jesse as New Zealand captain.

“Why is he announcing this before the meeting on Tuesday?

The meeting was never about selection or availability.”

The way things get confused at NZC, he was probably just trying to make sure he wasn’t going to be sacked by accident.

“Why isn’t he just playing T20 given his form for Wellington in the HRV Cup?

Whilst he was awesome for the Firebirds, there are still things he wants to work on. ”

He is awesome.

“What are the personal goals he wants to work on?

These are private and will remain so.”

I bet at least one of his goals is improving his mad DJing skillz.

So it’s not good news. Not yet. But seven months ago when Jesse walked away from international cricket it wasn’t even clear if he’d ever come back, or even find his old magic.

Since then he has won a boxing match, stayed out of trouble and made a hell of a bunch of runs. The most important thing is him working on his personal stuff and making sure that if he ever does come back, he stays back.

Or if he doesn’t ever come back to international cricket, that he’s ok with that too.

We can wait, Jesse.

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A giant cartoon bear smiled at an overly aggressive dog. I’m sure other people saw different things that day, but that was my opinion of Jesse Ryder the first time I saw him. He’d just dry-heaved James Anderson to the leg side and this made Anderson remarkably angry. Perhaps Anderson thought he could get into the new guy’s head but instead he gave me a new favourite player as Jesse just cheekily grinned at him.

It wasn’t the grin of some nervous debutant. Jesse obviously believed he belonged, and was finding Anderson’s histrionics pretty damn funny. There was just something different about Jesse Ryder. You didn’t have to make a joke about his weight to see he wasn’t a cookie-cutter type young cricketer. Jesse was different.

Before he’d played, my introduction was through Adam Parore saying that there was a batsman who was too fat to play for New Zealand. This instantly appealed to me. Perhaps because I never liked Parore, or because I was craving another BBB (Big Beautiful Batsman). Parore’s comments made a few headlines, but the New Zealand selectors didn’t seem to take them too seriously and before long Jesse had been picked for New Zealand.

Jesse may not have smashed England everywhere that series, but he could obviously play. Through the off side he was a dream. For a big guy he didn’t rely on brutality much at all. His timing was extraordinary. His hands were remarkably soft, almost delicate. And his shots could be almost feminine at times. Through the off side he was like Sourav Ganguly in a fat suit. Elegant, delicate and strong. Like a rugged, more man-of-the-people version of David Gower.

Gower was also a bit different to the norm, however, Gower never cut open his hand in a nightclub while trying to break into a toilet. Gower probably never told a nurse he was the future of New Zealand cricket. Jesse was talented, but the troubling signs didn’t take long to show up.

While his hand was still healing there was talk he wouldn’t make it as a Test batsman. His temperament was not suited to the format. To me that always seemed like nonsense. Forget the off-field problems, purely as a batsman he was born to play Test cricket. He was a batsman far more than a hitter, and his skill would be suited to any form of cricket. All he had to do was get his chance on the field and stop stuffing up off of it.

When he drunkenly claimed he was the future of New Zealand cricket, he wasn’t wrong. New Zealand have a good mix of hard-working professionals who come together to form a decent side that, when all on song, can upset far better sides. But they don’t have many players of Jesse’s talent. You don’t keep a player out of Test cricket because he’s a young guy who enjoys eating and drinking too much.

His first Test was against Bangladesh, and was largely uneventful, but in his second he made 91. It was astonishing, but somehow this wild man off the field had kept his temperament well enough to at least make a Test-match 90 without punching anything.

Off the field his temperament hadn’t improved. He was banned from the national team after missing some team meetings in a series against West Indies. New Zealand Cricket chief executive Justin Vaughan went out of his way to assure everyone that Jesse wouldn’t be cast aside, that he’d be taken into the loving bosom of NZC and taken care of. Aaron Klee, Ryder’s manager, did his least favourite thing and fronted up to the media to tell them that Jesse had decided to go cold turkey on the drinking.

This was followed by India’s tour of New Zealand. A series where Jesse didn’t just look like a Test batsman, he looked exactly like what he had told that nurse he was. The future of New Zealand cricket. First Test, Seddon Park, first innings, New Zealand collapse to 60 for 6. And while his captain, Dan Vettori, is playing his unorthodox, aggressive shots, Jesse is playing shots so sexy it makes you weep to watch them. Jesse was reaching the off-side boundary like India had forgotten to put fielders there.

Jesse never looked like a batsman without a Test hundred; he looked like a guy who was ready to be a huge deal in cricket. As he closed in on his milestone, Vettori went out and Jesse was left with the tail. Now, batting with the tail as you go for your maiden Test century is probably not ideal, but with New Zealand’s tail it’s even more scary. Because you know you only have ten batsmen and Chris Martin. If you parked a kid’s tricycle in front of the stumps with a bat taped to it, it would average more than 2.43.

Luckily for Jesse, his batting partner was still Iain O’Brien, his Wellington team-mate who seemed to be doing everything in his fairly limited powers to get Jesse over the line. Until he danced down the wicket like a drunken debutante to be stumped by a foot, though it felt like two pitch lengths. Maybe more. To this day O’Brien claims he was trying to get Jesse on strike. If he was, it was perhaps the world’s most misguided attempt to help a friend, the cricket equivalent of pushing someone in front of a train to get them to their destination quicker.

When he drunkenly claimed he was the future of New Zealand cricket, he wasn’t wrong. New Zealand have a good mix of hard-working professionals who come together to form a decent side that, when all on song, can upset far better sides. But they don’t have many players of Jesse’s talent

Jesse was on 98 when Martin walked in. India did what you do when Martin is at the crease: bring in the field and start to giggle. Martin played and missed, looked like it was his first time with the bat, thrust out his body in what he assumed was the way a normal batsman would, used that weird batting face he has, and had one ball caught close, in from his pad.

At the other end, Jesse laughed. He giggled. He smiled.

I can only imagine what a normal batsman would do in this situation. His face would be clenched like he was going through violent constipation; Jesse looked like he was watching a stand-up show. He was enjoying the situation as much as everyone else was. I couldn’t believe a batsman two runs from his Test hundred would be so relaxed and find the situation so humourous.

Somehow Martin lasted the over.

The first ball next over Jesse played a slightly uglier-than-usual Jesse Ryder swivel-hip pull-shot to bring up his hundred. Next ball he was out. Jesse was a Test match batsman.

In the following Test he made a double-century. By the end of the series he was averaging over 50 in Test cricket. Jesse had also booked a place in the IPL. So it wasn’t just me who loved Jesse, everyone was jumping on board.

In the IPL, Jesse had another bad episode. His cold turkey turned to a drunken incident that Klee originally denied happened. Maybe the press over-reported it, but Jesse certainly was drinking again. Shortly after, Jesse had to pull out of the World Twenty20 because of a groin injury. There were also stories about wild house parties. More injuries. A broken chair that lead to discipline. And the occasional good knock thrown in.

It was now harder to follow Jesse’s career. Even when he did play a game, it was sort of a surprise because he’d be out for so long. When Jesse would play, he’d still show the odd sign of his natural talent, but he never seemed to be around for long before another injury got hold of him. For me he sort of faded into the background. I still loved watching him bat, but just working out when he was in the team was hard enough.

That’s why I didn’t even watch the New Zealand-South Africa Twenty20 on the 22nd February. It was the third in the series, and I didn’t have much interest in the first two, so the third was hardly on my mind. I knew Jesse was back playing, but I didn’t realise how close he had been to a call-up. And I missed the game. Once I heard about Jesse’s role in that game I had to watch the replay. At the start of his innings he felt like normal, if not slightly eager, Jesse, racing to 48 off 27 balls. It wasn’t his best innings; it was equal parts brilliance, luck and belligerence.

Then the man who smirked at James Anderson and laughed at Chris Martin changed.

From 48 to 50, Jesse took 10 balls. He didn’t defend or leave balls, but something was different. The need for a comeback fifty could have got to him. He would have wanted to prove that he was still the Jesse of old. Perhaps he just wasn’t ready, and in the middle overs when the pressure was off he was able to capitalise on a good start without thinking too much. But something did change. He wasn’t free-flowing, looked frustrated and far from carefree. He was batting like something else was bothering him. He lost his timing and patience. His hands seemed harder and heavier. It was unsettling to watch him go through it. And the winning position he had put New Zealand in was fading away.

Jesse’s last five balls were truly awful: He skies a ball that should have been caught, and takes a single. Faces a dot ball next delivery, then takes a single when Franklin wants two. Gets back on strike and faces another dot ball. Then tries to lap-scoop Johan Botha to beat a short fine leg that you’d imagine would have been hard to clear off Botha’s quickest ball. It was bizarre, nervous and ugly, nothing like the old Jesse.

Jesse had made 52 off 42, with four off his last 15 balls. New Zealand needed 20 off 27 before his slow period started; when he got out they needed eight off seven. New Zealand lost that game. Jesse, who had top-scored, got most of the blame.

A week later he was in trouble again. He was caught drinking late at night while injured. Team protocol had been violated, a small misdemeanour to any other player, but for Jesse this was huge. The man with the soft hands and massive frame had again found a way to make himself a punchline and a target. Klee was back under the pump again, editorials were written, John Wright’s patience had been tested, the New Zealand team felt let down, and Jesse would not make a return to Test cricket against the South Africans.

Jesse has demons. And Jesse needs to work on those demons far away from the press and public. This decision was the right one for him. He shouldn’t feel the need to rush back, he is only 27. He should devote all his time and resources into just getting himself right.

One day I hope Jesse Ryder is happy. If he comes back to cricket, and I can see that happiness and a few wonderful shots through the offside, that would be a treat. But if not, I just hope that the guy who brought me joy, finds his own. The man has a great smile; I hope he finds many reasons to use it in the future.

So here is my guide for what players you should turn gay for depending on what kind of sex you’re looking for.

Brendan Nash – If you’re looking for a doting partner who will always cuddle with you, Nash is your man. Will do everything he needs to do to make sure you are happy. He’s not stylish or that sexy, but he’s a good bloke. The second hand Volvo of Gay sex.

Shahid Afridi – rough sex in the back of a taxi, random encounters in parks and lewd relations in shady hotels, he offers it all. If you’re looking for no commitment and short sharp burst, Afiridi is your man. May leave you unsatisfied at times, but that’s part of the fun. Is most probably a selfish top.

Peter Borren – do you like to feel intimidated by your partner? Some men would need to tie you up and put ball gags in your mouth to make you feel subservient to them, with Borren, it’s just one look. Ofcourse, not perfect for introducing to your parents, as he will scare them to death.

Sachin Tendulkar – Who doesn’t want to fuck the most famous man in cricket. I can’t imagine that in life Sachin does anything badly, so that should mean that in bed he’s a cracker at the sexy sexing. Bonus points for fucking a living God.

Doug Bollinger – Not everyone wants a thinking man, some want one who is all about actions. Douggie is perfect for this. If you can rate someone in bed by the way they dance, Douggie is hilarious in bed. He’s a man’s man, he’ll try all day, he’s willing to fix his appearance and he’ll make you laugh. Like a pet that is house trained that you can legally fuck.

Jesse Ryder – cricket’s most eligible bear. If you’re a cub looking for a big strong man to place it in your gaps, Jesse has to be the man you want.

JP Duminy – Perhaps the opposite of a bear, he’s a twink. Having still not completely come to terms with his game, so now is the perfect time to become his sugar daddy and take care of him. Buy him a car, show him how to face the short ball and watch how he performs for you.

Salman Butt – fuck him. Hard.

Ajantha Mendis – looking for something a little different, freaky, and mysterious. Mendis’ fingers have it all. Although, once you’ve worked out all his little tricks, you can always move on to Randiv or Herath.

And ladies, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, if you’re a lady looking to go gay, may I suggest…

Claire Taylor – Probably the biggest catch in world cricket if you’re a woman looking to turn. She is perfect in every single situation. You could claim that she isn’t the most stylish, but her results speak for themselves. Taylor will think herself through every situation, which bodes well for the boudoir.

Mithali Raj – If you’re not as worried about performance, but just want the best looking woman on your arm as you enter the clubs, Mithali is that. Her cover drive is so sexy that if the entire world watched it together it would create a tsunami of sex juice that would kill us all. Probably more interested in looking good than being good, but that’s why you turned for her in the first place.

Personally, I turned gay for a pull shot from Matthew Elliott against Allan Donald, alas, the pull shot didn’t have any feelings for me. So I decided I’d have to become straight.

Hard-hitting New Zealand cricketer Jesse Ryder has been admitted to a London hospital after injuring his groin in a Magic Johnson style sex romp.

Concern over his groin muscle injury continues to escalate as Jesse refuses to stop bedding Women at Julio Iglesias numbers, as he believes that having multiple partners actually improves his footwork.

Ryder was unavailable to play in New Zealand’s one-run loss to South Africa, as the groin was massively inflamed after he met two cute red heads in his hotel bar.

Shortly after the match team manager Steve Hustle said Ryder, who was able to play in the tournament opener against Scotland despite the injury, had been taken to a nearby hospital, and that only male Nurses were allowed to treat Jesse.

“Jesse is continuing to suffer serious inflammation in the groin area along with general wear and tear from a high work load and has been admitted to hospital overnight for enforced abstinence,” Hustle said.

Rumours that Ross Taylor’s lower back/hamstring injury is related to Jesse being on heat seem unfounded, but the two are rarely separated.

Jesse has always been known as a sexual tyrannosaurus, but in the past it has never affected his cricket.

Hustle said “Jesse still believes he can play, but we have never seen a groin that inflamed, not even in the days of Richard Hadlee or Jeff Crowe, and we want to be sure Jesse is ok before we let him continue with his cricket and his extra curricular activities.”

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Reporting this tournament in any sort of conventional style would be pretending this is a sporting event.

It’s not. Its an entertainment juggernaut.

It doesn’t matter who wins or loses, but who entertains you.

Here is a run down of the players who can be relied upon for some sort of pleasure.

Bangalore

Still look like a librarian, but more one you’d like to do learn the dewy decimal system from.

Porn Star: KP

The man they all wanted. Won’t be there long, has a shocking 2020 record, but will have every camera and microphone pointed at him. Captaining, because that worked so well for him last time.

Pole Dancer: Jesse Ryder

An absolute bargain buy, but could end up as the go to guy for Bangalore with his hitting, occasional wobblers, and general presence, Bangalore might just jump on the big fella’s back and ride him towards the finals.

The boy next door: Virat Kohli

Probably the poorest looking Indian line up in the league. Kohli stands out, is still young, but looks like a freak with the bat.

Model: Rahul Dravid

Made a lot of runs last time, but not at a great rate. Is just not suited to this format, and is here because he is a legend of Indian cricket, not because he is a great 2020 player.