Dear Dr. Jackie:
My husband is a wonderful man but it seems like it is a constant struggle to feel truly close. I wonder if something is wrong with the relationship or is it me?

Answer:
Creating, nurturing and maintaining intimacy in long-term, committed relationships requires intention, deliberate choice and deliberate action. Nothing about creating intimacy and truly being intimate with another person is unconscious. Closeness is enhanced through purposeful sensitivity, tenderness and respect for each other.

Being congruent is a process in which you value yourself; you take ownership of your thoughts and feelings, and your resources and choices; honor and express your deepest knowing about yourself and be sure that what you say and how you say it match what you are feeling.

There are three good reasons that you and your partner might not always communicate effectively with each other.

First, most people don't identify their feelings accurately.

Secondly, it is very difficult for most people to find the right words to express how they feel.

Lastly, if they do know how they feel and if they have a few words to accurately express how they feel, most lack the courage to let anybody know.

Does this sound like you or your partner? Identifying your feelings, finding the right words to express your feelings and mustering the courage to actually express your feelings to him really isn't so complicated.

Don't avoid saying what is in your heart or on your mind to say. Say it! It will go a long way to deepen your intimacy!

Don't hide your worries because you don't want him to know that you are not in control. Share them! Watch the intimacy between you soar!

Don't dismiss your hopes and dreams because you are afraid he won't share your excitement. Honor them! Allow him in, and experience the intimacy between you intensify!

When you stay emotionally available and present, the intimacy you are building will deepen, and get richer and better. Create a safe and supportive place to tell each other the truth mindfully, responsibly and respectfully and always remember that the foundation of your relationship is built on good will and good intention.

So be intentional. Be certain that your deliberate choice and deliberate action send the unmistakable message that you are happy to be with your partner and that your life is better and richer with her or him than it could ever be alone. Take the time to truly develop, take care of and preserve the intimacy of your relationship, learn to roll with the ups and downs and you will enjoy the warmth and tenderness of the relationship you want and deserve.