may cause miracles

They do, however, smell amazing and have some pretty cool benefits that could improve your attitude and maybe ease some physical symptoms, and perhaps much more. (Disclaimer: I am not a doctor, I am not providing advice, I’m sharing what I learned at this workshop and my experience with essential oils thus far. I encourage you to do your own research.)

I took an essential oils workshop last week at Hilltop Yoga in Oldtown and really gave my scent sorter a workout. It was very interesting and educational, and I took away a few items that I’m bringing to my home environment. Maybe it will help ease some symptoms and increase quality of life or maybe it will just make my home smell amazing. I can find nothing wrong with being surrounded by good, natural smells that I enjoy.

So what exactly are essential oils? Essential oils are taken from plants in concentrated forms. Oils are broken down into a few categories depending on the plant itself. They could be roots, trees, herbs, blooms, seeds or other plant parts. For example, Chamomile is a bloom while Thyme is generally considered a herb. The oil itself in pure form is used in aromatherapy practices and each oil has a different properties and different practices depending on what it is composed of.

One of my favorite moments of this workshop was at the beginning when the speaker stated that nothing she says here is going to cure an ailment. Essential oils aren’t cures, they are not evaluated by the FDA, but they have been around and used in medical practices since the beginning of time. She wasn’t forcing anything and saying you MUST use this if you have digestive conditions or you MUST do this if you have anxiety, but she talked about what symptoms the oil is known for helping to ease and what she’s found by experience in her own life. The sense of smell is highly personal, a lot like IBD treatments/symptoms where one size doesn’t fit all. Someone may really believe that rose essential oil (known for easing grief) eases their anxiety and offers comfort. For you, rose might remind you of your grandma who passed away and make you more depressed. You have to find what works for you, what feels good for your lifestyle, and it might be different every day. Maybe today the smell of Lemon makes your home feel clean and refreshed and tomorrow Eucalyptus brings you the focus you need to write that blog post you’ve been putting off for weeks.

I love that approach. Find what gives you that spark you need today.

If you’re curious about some of the more popular oils and some that maybe you haven’t heard of, I’m sharing a few of my favorites that I jotted down in my notes from that day. Most of what she was saying she was reading out of one of the books she had brought to class, which I believe was from Essential Oils Natural Remedies: The Complete A-Z Reference of Essential Oils for Health and Healing. She also stated that she had many other resources and had been studying for over 20 years so was also sharing her own personal experiences.

Again, I’m not providing advice. I’m sharing what I learned some of these oils have been found to help with throughout history and by other individuals in aromatherapy. This may not be true for you and you should always consult a medical professional for advice.

Marjoram: known for pain relief. Smells like Vick’s vapor rub to me, which I oddly find soothing.

Thyme: increases white blood cells. Good in combination with citrus oils for diffusing.

Bergamot: boosts happiness. Works well in areas that experience Seasonal Affective Depressive Disorder. It smells like an awesome sunshine blue sky day. Will probably get some of this for Michigan mid winters, when it’s grey and the sun hasn’t shown its face for weeks.

Cloves: this was my favorite scent of the day. It is known to provide comfort, is full of antioxidants to boost the immune system and is useful for treating depression and anxiety. This was the scent I chose to leave with, she put some drops in almond oil and told me to rub it on my neck hairline as I left class. I went grocery shopping after and got whiffs of the scent throughout the rest of my day. It honestly improved my mood each time I smelled it.

Myrr: known for healing wounds and was used for that purpose in ancient Greece. It’s a really thick, dark resin. It may assist in reducing inflammation in the digestive system.

Chamomile:reduces mood swings and eases PMS symptoms.

Lemon: uplifting, inspires positive thinking. Fresh and purifying.

Peppermint: cool, stimulating. Can aid head and muscle aches and promote a healthy digestive and respiratory system.

Lavender: stress reducing, comforting, relaxing.

If you’re looking to start bringing essential oils into you home, you could start with just a spray bottle from the dollar section at the grocery store and distilled water. Throw some drops of your oil of choice in the bottle, add the water and then spritz around your home as you desire. Maybe keep it in the bathroom and spritz it on the shower curtain before you jump in, on the bathmat, fan, really wherever you want.

Then, if you find it’s really something you look forward to and want to invest in a diffuser or burner, you already know you like the scent and if it makes you feel better. If you want to use them with a carrier oil (like almond, coconut etc) and mix a few drops in then rub on you neck, temples, hands, whatever, BUT do your research first. Some of those essential oils, like peppermint or cinnamon, are so strong they can actually burn you if you put them on your skin directly without a carrier. If you have animals in your home, make sure the oils you are using are pet friendly. While we are on the topic of research, I’m just going to go ahead and remind everyone that not everything you read on the internet is true. Use your brain, have an open mind but be cautious. Look at who is writing the article. Again, I’m not an essential oil expert, I’m just sharing my experience. Think for yourself.

On my own essential oil adventure I made a yoga mat spray with tea tree and lavender and it’s awesome. I used tips from Adriene and the video is here. Do you use essential oils? How? Let me know! Find what smells good.

How the weeks fly by, it’s another Warrior Wednesday! Please meet beautiful Alyssa. She doesn’t let IBD stop her from reaching her dreams, and she always keeps a gorgeous smile on her face! It’s hard to keep that mentality when you’re facing a chronic illness everyday, but she does it, and she does it well. Don’t forget to check out the t-shirts she designed to raise awareness for Crohn’s and colitis. She’s rocking one of them in the photo below. Links are at the bottom of the page.

Here is a little bit about Alyssa:

My name is Alyssa Clements and there are many things in my life that define me, but my Crohn’s disease is not one of them. I am a first year medical student at the Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine (currently on a medical leave), I was lucky enough to be Miss Ramapo Valley 2014 (a local title holder in the Miss America Organization) even while being ill, I am always looking for a new challenge and planning for the future. I try to raise awareness for Crohn’s and colitis, and health and wellness in general, and am passionate about raising funds for a few charities close to my heart. I recently competed for the title of Miss New Jersey and was voted People’s Choice! While it is hard to always stay positive and energetic when struggling with a chronic illness, I know that doing so will help me defeat this disease. So for now, I’ll just keep smiling!

What type of chronic illness/autoimmune disease (s) do you live with? I suffer from IBD, more specifically Crohn’s disease.

When was your diagnosis? How did you cope? I was diagnosed at the end of February of this year, 2014. At first, I was not very worried, as I was doing very well with a few mild medications. Then suddenly I was hospitalized again and again for obstructions. I had to be placed on heavy immunosuppressants and spent so much time in doctors’ offices and hospitals. I coped by keeping myself busy, by doing something I never thought I would do, compete for Miss New Jersey. I also spent a lot of time raising funds for my favorite charities, including the CCFA.

What medications/treatments/surgeries/lifestyle changes have you gone through to manage your disease symptoms? In the beginning, I was just on Lialda and Entocort. I also was placed on a no fiber diet, so I could not, and still cannot, eat any fruits, vegetables, seeds, nuts, whole grains, and the like. After my disease got worse I was placed on Humira every other week, which was helpful but feels like acid going into my body! I was also on prednisone tapering up and down for many many months. Then, I continued to get worse so the Humira was upped to every week, and hey added Azathioprine. Finally, after 8 weeks on this regimen, it was decided that my terminal ileum was so strictured and scarred that it would need to be removed. Two days before my ileocectomy was scheduled they found two abscesses in my sigmoid colon, which results in moving the surgery back a month and making me NPO (nothing by mouth) and on IV steroids 4 times a day and TPN (total parenteral nutrition) through a picc line I had place. This lasted for a month. Finally, last week on 12/10/14 I had my ileocecectomy, the removal of my terminal ileum and cecum. I was started on food the next day, and released on my birthday, the 13th! I am still in a lot of pain but it was so worth it. I feel like I am getting my life back. In 4-6 weeks I should be fully healed and on a normal diet. I will restart my Humira as a preventative measure to stop the Crohn’s disease from spreading.

If you could tell yourself one thing looking back on your diagnosis, what would it be? Definitely to get the surgery way sooner, because I wouldn’t have had to take yet another year of medical school and suffer for so many more months. They truly believe this surgery will give me the remission I have been dreaming of.

What do you do to relieve stress? I really enjoy playing the piano, it helps me to express myself and take my mind off of what is going on. I also love going to the movies and hanging out with my boyfriend and family. I also love to raise money for IBD and design t-shirts to raise awareness and funds. I call them IBDtees!

Do you have a saying or quote or song that you turn to when you need to be uplifted? “It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.” – Walt Disney. Walt Disney is a true inspiration to me, he was so creative and innovative. I really believe that fighting Crohn’s is like doing the impossible, and that I am a superhero for doing so!

What keeps you hopeful? Having great physicians, supportive family and friends, and an inspiring boyfriend keep me hopeful. I also am very optimistic and stay strong through it all.

Rain drops on roses and whiskers on kittens. ..what are some of your favorite things? Two things, my little maltese puppy Louie, and Walt Disney World! (I have been there 61 times and am only 23!)

This girl is one of the most amazing people I have met in this community. Not only does she give all she’s got to fight her autoimmune diseases and everything that comes with it, she fights for everyone else that’s suffering. Through her #purpleproject care packages, caring tweets, and hilarious sense of humor, she’s always bringing a smile to someone’s face. I picked this post to share today to give a little insight as to what it’s like to have an autoimmune disease. “Remission is a sigh of relief, Remission is family, friends and never cancelling plans. Remission is Hope, a Future, Remission is smiles. Remission means normal.”
Kelly, thank you so much for all that you do and all that you fight for, and all the joy you bring to people who need it. I couldn’t be prouder to have you as part of my IBD family, and I know we’ll be in this fight together through Remission and beyond.
What is Remission to you?

im not sure what Remission means. its not something im honestly all too familiar with. the last time i was in clinical Remission, was before i was diagnosed with crohns disease or ulcerative colitis.

i capitalize Remission for a number of reasons, but the main reason being i see it as a state, a royal majestic state. if you read much of my writing, im sure youre annoyed by my constant writing habit of writing in all under case, with very few exceptions.

as much as i hate to admit it, there is no way around “if”. “if i knew what being in Remission meant.. “if i had enough energy to finish my day as strong as i started it”.. i think every single day, i find myself finishing my “if” quandaries differently. “if” is one word i one delete from the language of chronic illness. its so limiting, so…

Hi folks! Sorry I have been away for so long. I caught a terrible cold and was spending all of my energy on my day job and am just now getting it all back again and getting back into the blog! I promise it will be better than ever before, stay tuned for the next few months to see what’s coming!
In the mean time, I’m happy to introduce you to this week’s Wednesday Warrior, Shawn.
She’s a great example of how your life doesn’t have to revolve around your disease, and you can do amazing things still! Using ulcerative colitis as a driving force and determined to put herself and others fighting autoimmune diseases into remission without having to rely on harsh drugs and awful side effects, and she’s doing great work on this!
Check our her contact info at the end of the blog, and thank you Shawn for sharing!
Here’s Shawn’s story:

I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis in 2008. At the time, I just took the medication (mesalamine) I was given and it went into remission without a problem. I had a few small flares over the next few years, but was able to get over them pretty quickly. It wasn’t until August of 2013 when I was hit with an intense, debilitating flare. Tests revealed my UC had spread. My gastroenterologist was the worst! He gave me no insight as to how this could have happened and refused to entertain any idea that diet played a role. Instead, he handed me a prescription for prednisone and mesalamine and made sure I was aware that I would need to be on medication the rest of my life. This infuriated me, but looking back now, I’m so incredibly happy that I had the worst doctor ever. It forced me to do my own research on causes and treatment of the disease because I was determined to get off prescription medications! 18 months later and it has become almost an obsession…I WILL figure out how to make people with autoimmune diseases well again without the use of debilitating prescription meds. I have found my calling!

Since that moment of enlightenment, my life has been a whirlwind! First and foremost, I completely changed my diet and in doing so, have been able to get my UC symptoms about 90% under control. I currently follow a STRICT paleo diet, eliminating ALL grains, dairy, processed foods, sugar, and legumes. For 6 months, I even took it one step further and followed the Autoimmune Protocol which eliminates nuts, eggs, and nightshades…foods that can cause inflammation in those that are sick. In doing so, I was able to take my healing even further, get off ALL medications, and add these foods back in with no symptoms! Food is medicine and it has been a game changer for me. Another plus? It has MADE me learn how to cook and it turns out that the kitchen is my happy place! I have eaten some of the best meals of my life while focusing on eating for my health. This is MY #1 PIECE OF ADVICE…even if your doctor tells you diet has nothing to do with your disease, IT DOES! At minimum, it is absolutely critical you get rid of all processed foods and grains. It’s not that bad, I promise!

Secondly, I had to make some major lifestyle changes. Living a rested, stress-free, health-fulfilling life was now my biggest priority. I had spent years in a super stressful job, had a crazy workout routine, ate at a caloric-deficit everyday in an effort to get to my ‘ideal’ weight, dealt with dramatic relationships, and spent one too many nights out until the bars closed. I simply could not live this lifestyle anymore, my health was more important. I immediately adopted a more ‘grandma-like’ lifestyle! I make sure I get at least 8 hours of sleep every single night which means some nights, I’m leaving social outings early, something I have learned to be OK with doing. I also don’t drink alcohol anymore (except for a very occasional glass of red wine) and have had to adapt to being the only one ordering water! Although I still workout regularly (I am a personal trainer after all!), I make sure to listen to my body and tone it down when I need to in order to avoid physical stress. I no longer allow dramatic people into my life. If I do have a stressful day, I make sure to spend at least a few minutes that day in full-on relax mode, focusing on deep breathing and muscle relaxation. This is my version of meditation! I also spend about 30 minutes every night doing restorative yoga poses to detox my body and mind from the day. In purposefully de-stressing my lifestyle, not only have I been able to physically heal, but it has helped me mentally cope with the battle at hand. This is my #2 PIECE OF ADVICE…get rid of as much stress as you possibly can and get some sleep! Eliminating stress is the only way to truly heal.

It may seem like this major life overhaul I’ve had would be hard, overwhelming, and not fun, but it is just the opposite. I’ve never felt so empowered in my life! I’m not letting this disease win! Yes, I have bad days. There are days when I don’t feel well and it’s frustrating. There are times when I want to go out with my friends and have a beer and a giant plate of nachos. There are times when I just don’t want to think about any of it for a second. But, I recognize that its normal to have bad days and negative thoughts. I don’t beat myself up about it. Its what you do with the negativity that matters. For me, I’ll take a nap or read my Us Weekly (my guilty pleasure) to take my mind off of it for a bit. If I’m frustrated, I’ll go get a great workout in and sweat the frustration out! After I take this time away, I turn my feelings into motivation! I head to my computer and do more research, looking for even more information that will help us all beat this disease. My bad days only fuel my fire! And this is my #3 PIECE OF ADVICE…YOU are not YOUR DISEASE! Don’t let it take over who you are. Let it motivate you to live your healthiest life and use those lifestyle changes as empowerment!

I have a ways to go, but in the past few months I have learned so much about treating and preventing autoimmune diseases WITHOUT prescription drugs. It is a possibility and so exciting! As I get information, I will be sharing it to help everyone else via my blog: www.well-belly.com. You can also sign up for twice monthly newsletters focused on wellness as a lifestyle on this site too! If you need ideas for what a meal should look like on a Paleo diet, follow me on Instagram: @well_belly.

I would love to hear from anyone who is struggling with their battle, has questions, or just wants to chat! Email me: wellbellynutrition@gmail.com.

One of my favorite IBD advocates and members of my support team, Colitis Ninja started this awareness campaign and I am so excited to participate in it. What you do, is wrap yourself (I would suggest having someone help) up with toilet paper and hold up a sign stating how IBD has affected you, good and bad. You can read more about the actual campaign on her blog www.colitisninja.blogspot.com

I chose to do my photo while getting my infusion. One of my soul sisters was there visiting with me and she helped wrap the toilet paper so my IV didn’t get in the way and took the photos.

IBD took a lot from me. It’s taken a lot of money, from hospital bills to prescriptions to vitamins to infusions to special food. It took my ability to eat anything I wanted any time I wanted. It made me buy diaper cream and prep. H. It took my 26th birthday and made me spend it hooked up to IVs waiting for the all clear to get remicade. It took so much blood I had to get blood transfusions. It took my reliability and made me person who sometimes has to cancel plans because they need to be home close to their bathroom, or they are too exhausted to even try to leave the house. IBD took my emotions and threw them into a blender. It took my muscles, it lowered my blood pressure, lowered my iron levels, and stole my energy. It stole my ability to live a carefree life.Thanks to the infusions I receive every 8 weeks, along with prayer, diet changes and daily yoga, I am as close to remission as I am going to get. And even though I no longer am losing blood (thank God),I still have an autoimmune disease that has no cure. I still fight every day to have as much of a “normal” life as possible. The infusions come with their own side effects, and I experience a lot of hair loss, joint inflammation, and am more susceptible to other diseases and virus because my immune system is lowered.

It’s hard to look at the positive of being diagnosed with IBD. But it has made me stronger than I ever have been before. That saying where you never know how much strength you have until being strong is your only choice? That fully applies here. I know that because I can battle this disease, I can battle anything that comes my way.

Having IBD has also made me re-evaluate relationships in my life, and I can say with a full heart that all of my friendships and relationships are high quality, strong and true. I have some of the greatest friends, am closer with my family, and have found a person who will be by my side while I battle this for the rest of my life. I have weeded out the flakes, and I couldn’t be more grateful for that. I don’t have time or energy for someone who is only going to be around when they need me.

IBD has also given me a dedicated yoga practice. I have learned so much about the mind body connection, and I practice yoga every day to stay in tune with my body and to relieve stress. On days when I can’t seem to get anything right, and my balance is off I can come to my mat for practice and remember when I couldn’t stand up long enough to take a 5 minute shower, or wash my own hair. And I am so proud of myself for how far I’ve come.

This disease has also brought me closer to God. I had a relationship before, but I had never fully experienced the power of prayer. Now I can feel it, and I know, and I talk to God every day. It keeps me grounded and lets me know that there is a bigger plan than all of this. I know that I have a purpose, and that comforts me and guides me.

Another unexpected perk (?) of IBD is the amazing circle of friends on social media and support groups that I have found. I often refer to them as my imaginary friends. I’ve never met anyone in my #IBDfamily personally. But I don’t know how I would have gotten through this disease without their support or encouragement. I am so inspired an encouraged by them, and so grateful for having all of these kind souls as a part of my life. It gave me the idea to spark hope and start this blog. It’s lead me to connections with others that would have never been possible without this diagnosis.

And that brings me to the final thing that IBD has given me. A sense of gratitude. I make it a part of my life every day to note the things I am thankful for. It can be something as simple as a cup of coffee, or an email someone sent today, or a phone call with my dad. Or as big as an IBD sister in the hospital healing. I’m thankful every single day, good or bad. I’m appreciative of what I’ve been given, because I know first hand that it can be taken away at any moment.

IBD is not a joke. It’s not a poop disease. It’s not something to be taken lightly. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but I do wish it was more well-known and understood. Do you have IBD, or are you a caregiver for someone fighting the disease? Please share your experience using #showmethemummy. Raise awareness with us.

Browsing through #randomactofkindness (RAK) on instagram one day and I came across @nysmilemovement. A whole year of RAK’s documented. How cool. And what an impact they’re having! From leaving lottery tickets in grocery stores for strangers to find, to volunteering to pet sit, to giving away arcade tickets, smiles and hope in humanity are being shared everywhere, Join in the movement! Get to know a little more about Alex and a little more about Alec below, and then find @nysmilemovement on instagram and @ROCsmilemovement on twitter! And then go spark some hope with your own SmileMovement! Let me know what you do in the comments!

How did you come up with the idea for 365 days of Random Acts of Kindness?

Earlier this year I saw a couple of inspiring posts throughout the week on social media and spent some time pondering the effects that such kind deeds can have on the world…I thought up my first idea soon after and decided to attach quarters, with kind notes attached, to vending machines at a Tops market near my house. The joy I got after seeing the “free candy recipients” post a picture of their combined smile to my feed was so contagious I couldn’t stop! I then made a personal goal to perform the 365 days of Random Acts of Kindness and the rest is history!

What project/activity has impacted you the most so far?

I can’t choose just one so I’ll give you my 3 personal favorites!

1) I got contacted by a mother who really wanted to give her son WWE tickets for his birthday. I had just sold the tickets however, but had an opportunity to win another pair that night if I somehow won another 16 person competition at the nearby bar that night. I ended up winning the whole thing and surprised the mother, and her son, by giving him the tickets for free on his birthday! 🙂 Seeing his smile was absolutely priceless.

2) Shoveling out cars on my street for 2 hours after a snow storm so my random neighbors could get out easily in the morning 🙂 Actually putting in all that sweat and effort for others felt great to know I saved each of them that task.

3) Personally Messaging all 700+ of my followers has been amazing so far. Spending the time to view most/all of the pictures on each account and tailor each message to every person has brightened dozens of people’s days. I approached this with the mindset that “You never know quite how rough someone’s day/week/month could be and how much that person could benefit from the tiniest thoughtful gesture of kindness to show you’re thinking of them”. I’ve connected with 230/700 people so far that I’d normally never interact with otherwise. Of the people that responded, SO many of them said that I had made their day and that “you have no idea how badly I needed this…thank you”. Over and over I’ve seen that response this past week and it just reemphasizes how important such a small gesture can truly be. On top of that, I’ve gotten to know so many of my “followers” that I’ve never talked to before and have found many things we share in common after lengthy convos. It. Has. Been. Great!! Can’t wait to conquer the next 2/3 :]

Rules to live by?

I grew up with the golden rule and have been stickin’ to it ever since (thanks Mom haha). Treat others the way you’d like to be treated. It’s that simple!

Random acts of kindness ALWAYS lift my spirits whenever I’m having a crummy day. Putting a smile on the face of a random person, or even a friend/family member, is priceless.

Your philosophy/mantra that you’d like others to know about you.

For so many years of my life I never truly understood the power, and meaning, of giving with the intention of getting nothing in return. Now, that is how I live my life. Many of the RAOK I do, I don’t even get to see the reaction of the people who end up receiving them. I just try to do everything with strong faith that they’ll reach a person who needs it, (hopefully) appreciates it, and (hopefully) pays it forward. I believe in “creating waves”. The power of the ripple effect that follows from a single good deed can be tremendous! The best part? We all have that power!!

What would you do with a million dollars?

I’d travel for awhile and then invest a big chunk into my big RAOK career idea that will be very well spent towards inspiring & uplifting the country if it all pans out! To be continued… 🙂

Who do you admire?

I admire anyone and everyone in this world that lives their life with undeniable passion working towards their dreams. Anytime I see someone like that I admire their drive and it reignites the fire in me to keep doing the same!

What is your mission?

A huge goal of mine is to inspire people across the country to start their own “SmileMovements” in every state. I want kindness to become such a common gesture that it’s rare to see someone not smiling!!

My mission is to make my stamp on this world by doing everything in my power to make it a happier place to live. One small act at a time. One small city at a time. One state at a time. One Country at a time. Bit by bit I will be spreading kindness and inspiring people to pay it forward as long as I live.

I haven’t posted much in the last week because I was scared I’d start delving into the negative instead of staying above the water. I refuse to become a victim of this disease. I would rather be a survivor. But it’s been challenging this last week. So I’m going to acknowledge these negatives as what they are, and move on. Ignoring them is not good, and dwelling on them doesn’t do anything either. So bear with me as I exhale and let out what’s been going on this last week. I promise it will end on a light note.

I had one full day of work on Wednesday but was unable to attend any of the other days since last Thursday when I left because I almost had an accident. I work in a call center and if I have a sense of urgency, it’s not simply so easy to run to the bathroom when someone is on the other line and you can’t place them on hold. In that instance, I made it but I went home immediately after. I’m scared for Monday. I’m starting to feel a little better and the bathroom trips are lower, but it still scares me. It felt like failure. I’m a good worker. I can do my job well, and I know I have opportunities for advancement. But I have to take time away for myself to heal, and because I am incapable to doing my job fully while I’m flaring. It felt like weakness. Aside from the embarrassment of letting it all go with a coworker in the stall next to you. But I’m pretty much over that. Judge me, please. At this point, grossing someone out from the symptoms of my disease is barely a blip on my radar. Yeah, I’ll blush and be embarrassed, but I would never wish this on them. So let them think whatever they so chose.

This is the first time I have ever been this sick. There has been blood in the toilet for the last year, but the bleeding and cramping and weight loss and sever flare has never occurred until these last 3 weeks. So the reality of it all has hit. I have an autoimmune disease. My body attacks itself, in my case my large intestine which causes it to inflame and creates bleeding ulcers. I have a leaky gut and my body is having a hard time absorbing nutrients. I’m on hospital watch until this Thursday, if I show any declining further in health I am to go straight to the emergency room. Talk about scary stuff. And the steroids that I tried so hard to avoid are part of my hope in healing. My back and hips ache like I have the flu and I look like a ghost. However, the emotions are not as bad as I thought they would be, so far at least. I cry at commercials, or songs, but I haven’t over-reacted or had any rage attacks. I cried for a good thirty minutes the other day, but I would call those legitimate tears at the frustration of this disease, not steroid induced.

I haven’t been able to get out and do anything much beyond going to the grocery store for toilet paper and soup bones or going to my moms. I’m scared to go out further in public because my auto immune system is shot. My roommate has been sneezing and I’ve been spraying lycsol on every surface I can find. I’m terrified that a cold will send me to the ER. I had to cancel tea with friends for the same reasons, also due to the fact that I need to be near a bathroom at all times. Or at least near enough to run to it. Like I could run. My weight hasn’t been this low since middle school. My boyfriend says you can’t see it, but he can feel it when he hugs me. Just a little more bones.

So, what do you do when you look in the mirror and just see a sick person looking back at you?

You see something else.

Yes. I have an autoimmune disease. But I am more than my disease.

I am strong. This disease will not keep me down because I am a fighter and I will keep getting back up.

I took the time I needed from work to allow my body to heal and to avoid as much stress as possible. This is not weakness like I wanted to think originally. This is empowerment. I acknowledged that my body was not capable in that moment, and took the time away to allow it to heal as much as possible. This will allow me to come back and continue to do my job well instead of making myself worse. This is okay.

When I was told that I am on hospital watch, it was shocking. I knew I was sick, but hadn’t really accepted it until that point. After being sent straight to the lab for testing, I went home and did a little reflecting on myself. This is real. I’ve made some adjustments over the last year to deal with this disease, but at this point, I need to say goodbye to my old lifestyle and start opening my heart to a new one. I spent that evening praying. Perhaps this is my second chance to do whatever it is that I’m supposed to do while I’m here. Perhaps this is my reminder that I’m here to share love with the world. It’s my second chance to do what I was made for. To fulfill a purpose. Perhaps the path I’m taking is the wrong one and I need to hop off of it for a while. Perhaps there are many better things waiting for me to discover.

So, I’m making some small changes and doing a lot of reflecting. i’m saying goodbye to the things that don’t serve me any more. To taking days for granted. And I’m saying hello to good health, to love, laughter and happiness. I’m saying goodbye to being a victim, and I’m saying hello to being a warrior. I know this won’t be easy. It will take constant effort to remind myself that I am more than this disease. I am not just an ulcerative colitis patient. I am a young woman who enjoys being with friends and family, practicing yoga, helping others, playing and snuggling her dog, reading, writing, exploring, learning and so many more things she doesn’t know about yet. And yes, I happen to also be battling an autoimmune disease. .

Yeah. I said it. Enemas.It’s okay if your disgusted by the mention of the word, or the process. I was too. But in that full brown paper bag lies my months supply of hope. Hope for remission. Hope for something that works. I have 26 days for these little suckers to do their job before we move on to the big biological drugs. So let me hear you say it.. Enema’s for the win!

I started reading the book May Cause Miracles by Gabrielle Bernstein this morning. For those of you who haven’t heard of or read it, it is a 40 day journey to basically change your mindset and stop being set back by all your fears and instead choosing love and happiness. I’m a sucker for reflection and challenging myself to gain new perspective and I thought a book with that kind of title was pretty much calling my name. Day one was all about being conscious of when fear wins throughout your daily interactions and seeing when fear was chosen over love. Just observing.

Among other things, I was a little surprised by how scared I am of what people think. But looking back, and even in my current situation, my fears about others thoughts controls a lot of my life. And this blog is a huge step against that fear.

I’ll be honest. I was hesitant to post about enemas. It’s not really something that the general population wants to hear about. It might now be something that even my family or friends want to hear about. But I’m not writing this blog for the general population. And I’m not necessarily writing it for my family or friends. When I first came up with the idea for it and started brainstorming, I began to worry about what people who are closer to me might think. Would they be repulsed, think I complain too much, would they be supportive? Would I be ashamed to put out the details of what I’m going through? The bowels of my thoughts? I’ve ruined dinners before when talking about my new normal, times where I thought the floor would melt away from how hot my face felt from embarrassment for giving a true answer to a question someone really didn’t want an answer to. I never want to see the look on that persons face again. I felt like a monster.

I talked with one of my friends that is also strong enough to kick her own ass (autoimmune disease joke). She has lupus and has been dealing with side effects of medications and flare ups for the past few years, but always kept her sense of humor. We discussed how hard it is to be judged and hurt by people you think would understand. She said screw those people. This is the way your life is now and not everyone is going to get that. It’s up to you now to accept them for who they are, even if they can’t understand you.

So, it’s OK if you’re grossed out about my colonoscopy, or blood, or when I make a weird face and wince because my insides are cramping up in indescribable pain. It’s okay if you think going gluten-free and soy free is stupid.If enemas give you an “I just ate a lemon” face. It’s okay if you don’t like what I’m writing. I understand. I’m not mad at you for it. This just isn’t for you.

I’m writing it for people who are down in the dirty, disgusting, embarrassing and downright scary parts of life and are looking for a little something to pull them a couple of inches further away from sinking into the mucky darkness. Like me. Like my friend with lupus. Like anyone with a chronic illness. Or anyone else who finds themselves in a drab situation.

So, I’m going to continue laying on my left side for 30 minutes twice a day I’m supposed to, and hoping on enemas.