Category: Newly single? Surprise!

The wedding ring issue. What to do, what to do? John wore a ring that we bought together, engraved with our initials and the date of our marriage. At some point in the ICU he was puffed up with fluids. One of his marvelous nurses suggested that he take it off while he still could, since she would have to cut it off otherwise. I don’t think he ever removed his ring, even during his idiotic affairs. I slipped it on my own finger, since we didn’t want to lose it—and there it remained for quite some time. It’s a …

Shortly after his death, I stood in front of the refrigerator, staring at the empty shelves and actually found myself thinking: Why didn't he leave me anything to eat? The selfish bastard… didn't he think ahead?

About a month after John’s death, I went out to dinner with two other couples. Three of us got to the restaurant first, and the maître d’ asked how many of us there would be. I immediately answered, “six”… she replied that the reservation was for five. I insisted, no there would be six of us. Until, of course, I realized that there would only be five of us, two couples and me. I was so used to counting myself as two I simply didn’t realize we were one short. I can still recall the shockwaves that went through me, …

I was 45 when John died. I didn’t think I belonged in the elderly category of widows, those over 75 say, who have lost their spouses. On the other hand, I wasn’t young anymore either. I feel pretty well seasoned, especially now. So in looking for support after John died, I had a little trouble figuring out where to go, what category I fit into. Also, we didn’t have children, which made things different. Most of the younger widows had children to raise, a whole kettle of fish I couldn’t even begin to understand. Now I’m in specialized sub-category: >Widowed …

There’s so many new surprises when you’re suddenly single. For instance: There’s a widows and gays table. Did you all know that? I don’t think anyone is conscious of it, but it’s what happens to you when you’re (a) widowed or (b) come out. It also welcomes the chronically single and just plain weird. It’s where you’re put when they don’t know what to do with you. Let’s say you’re invited to a wedding, formal event, big party, fundraiser, or the like. I can guarantee if you are The Widow or if you are The Gay, you’re going to be …

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One more thing…

How else do I know what hurts and what helps? Because not only were they done to me… I learned through this process that I am certain to have done the very same "Don't" things to others at some point along the way. If you're one of them, I am genuinely sorry. I'm trying to learn.