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2.28.2014

1. I learned that Ashley is to blame for the winter we’ve been having. Turns out when she decorates her mantel, nature reacts accordingly. She decorated it with lots of snowflakes; we had lots of snow. I propose that she now install one of these on her mantel:

…and also that she avoid decorating with, say, a bunch of squirrels. The last thing this world needs is more squirrels.

2. I learned that this chocolate mug cake is a fabulous way to lose your willpower to eat less like a slovenly pig and more like a girl who needs to fit into her pre-pregnancy pants unless she wants to endure the nightmare that is pants-shopping. It will enchant you with its two-minute start-to-finish siren song, despite all attempts to steer your boat past it, and then continue to lure you in by making you think how great it would be topped off with chocolate peanut butter ice cream.

Before you know it, you will be in a chocolate coma and/or living Homer’s Odyssey and/or both. (We can all probably agree that the epic as a whole would have been significantly improved had chocolate peanut butter ice cream been at the ready. Homer, my man,—may I call you my man?— sometimes you just have to accept the fact that literary greatness only gets you so far.)

3. I learned that bouncing on an exercise ball while blogging is a good way to A) feel better about yourself after you eat a whole bunch of cake and ice cream, B) make your legs feel as though they are comprised of gelatinous sponges that have been run over by a dump truck, and C) feel better about your decision not to instead attempt this with your exercise ball:

4. I learned that no matter how perfectly and snugly you put socks on a baby, said baby will devise a way to get them off again in no more than 18 seconds, and there is a distinct possibility that this time, at least one of the socks will be lost forever.

5. I learned that you can compensate for a baby’s lack of socks by placing a giant bow on her head. You know, for warmth.

6. I learned that peach floral wallpaper has been lurking beneath the wainscoting in our kitchen and that if I could travel back in time I would beg the previous owners not to slather the walls in river rock textured paint.

7. I learned that when your baby gets up at 6:30 AM on church day, you have no excuse to not actually blow-dry and straighten your hair for the first time in like a year. (I’m not exaggerating. I know, I make it a rule to Not Be Taken Seriously. But for real. Take me seriously this time.) You can lessen the gravity of this monumental event by making weird faces while your husband tries to capture it on film.

…and also by making faces that suggest you are about to eat your child.

8. I learned how to make my own social media icons using the tutorial I mentioned here. It was painless except for the fact that I basically have a better chance of recreating that ball maneuver from #3 than understanding html code. (But see the buttons up there? They work. Miraculously. Feel free to follow along if you don’t already!)

9. I learned that my baby is cute.

10. I learned that I already knew my baby was cute, and that I just wanted an excuse to include more pictures of her in my post.

11. I learned that when I write about chocolate peanut butter ice cream, I am basically required to also eat some so that I can accurately capture the full essence of what I’m describing. And then I end up freezing and pining for that oven, and then I get too hot and need to eat more ice cream, and it’s like “When You Give a Moose a Muffin” only less of a page-turner and higher in calories.

Hope you have a great weekend! :)

ps-I just added some more ads to my site and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me know if anything annoying pops up like a video ad.

2.25.2014

Have you ever wondered if you demonstrate any traits typically aligned with a hamster running in its wheel, are the social equivalent of a spatula, or have an underlying attraction to canned beans?*

*No? What ARE you, sane?

Well, wonder no more. Behold: the inkblot pillow with which I will analyze your psyche.

The process of making said inkblot pillow/legit psyche analysis tool was simple: I dripped some stashed navy Olympic paint on one half of a stashed square piece of white fabric…

…then folded it over and pressed down gently, making sure all drips got flattened up against the other half.

Then I unfolded it and let it dry before sewing it to the rest of the pillow. Done and done. I am a girl after Rorschach’s own heart. (Do me a favor and pretend that makes sense.)

Now that you’ve gotten that mind-boggling tutorial, it’s time for that mind-boggling psychiatric eval. So picture us lounging in a comfortable room, filled with calming, sophisticated decor, me with pen in hand, patiently awaiting your brain dump. It looks something like this:

And I will say, “Tell me what you see. Tell me what you see. You are getting sleepy.” (Wait, what? No.)

Tell me that you see Bob Marley. Because I totally see Bob Marley. Upper corners. Yes? No? …?

Rick says it looks like a brain and that he doesn’t want a brain on display in his house. My professional evaluation of this is that his repugnancy has nothing to do with brains at all, but, rather, inextricably linked to the fact that he is a man. And like most men, he has a subconscious fear that pillows can bench-press more than him and defeat him in a chicken wing-eating contest, and also that pillows are capable of sneaking into his bedroom and chopping off his…arm. Yep, we’ll go with arm. And yes, I know what you’re thinking: finally, a logical explanation for why my husband hates my decorative pillows. You’re welcome.

I asked Kenley what she saw and she said “coogurgeeeehhhhlaa.” Which obviously means “I see an arachnid weaving a vast web of beauty and grace.” Thoughtful, succinct, poetic. She obviously has a brilliant mother. ;)

What do YOU see in the inkblot? Do you agree with my explanation of why men hate pillows?

P.S. Want to see more pillows? I promise they don’t come with psych evals.

2.18.2014

Let’s face it: installing wall-to-wall carpet is about as popular in the world of interior design as tweezing your nose hairs out at the dinner table would be, well, anywhere. (I hope? Don’t admit it if your dinner table is prone to such antics.)

But around here we love nose hairs being different. Okay, we actually just love comfortable and warm padding underfoot and not having to refinish the jank-fest floors in our upstairs in order to have the significantly more popular hardwoods with area rugs. We have all that downstairs and it is lovely. But it wasn’t feasible for our upstairs. Cue the obvious question, which I asked when we first uttered the words “wall-to-wall”: is it possible for wall-to-wall carpeting to be attractive? I say yes.

The truth is, I’ve never been happier to see an unmarked white van pull into our driveway than the day our wall-to-wall carpet appeared. (Incidentally, the carpeting was in that unmarked white van, in case you were wondering if a sleazy crack salesman emerged instead. Incidentally, such fellows don’t actually frequent our driveway, in case you were questioning my seeming moral dubiousness.)

But less talk about white vans and more talk about how we found our affordable, attractive, and eco-friendly carpet, in helpful Q&A format.

What is it?

It’s wall-to-wall carpeting.

No, really, what is it?

Oh.

…

Hello?

Oh sorry, I got distracted by this carpet model I know.

What was the question?

WHAT KIND OF CARPET IS IT?

No need to shout; I heard you the first time.

…[fumes patiently]…

The brand of carpeting is Shaw, the style is Conquest, and the color is Limestone.

The floors in our upstairs were not in good shape and refinishing them would not only have been time-consuming, but simply not worth the results. Kenley’s nursery floor was painted brick red, another room had old carpet glue adhered to much the floor. The boards everywhere were warped and uneven, typical of a second-story for a house as old as ours.

Yes. It was a significant improvement, but still too shabby and old-looking overall.

Do you have something against old things?

Yes. I mean, no. I mean, sometimes.

How has it held up so far?

Swimmingly, for the 6 months in which it has lived here. It has a 20 year warranty and the retailer from which we purchased it said they would come replace any sections that didn’t survive our normal wear and tear. But so far it vacuums nicely, and the stain-resistant feature has already come in handy—liquids just pool on top of the rug rather than soak in. Plus I’m told that I will be able to parade a herd of gazelle across this carpet and still be able to clean it back to perfection.

Have you tested that claim?

No. The only gazelle with which I’m personally acquainted have been avoiding my calls.

I see. Is it true that Shaw’s products are eco-friendly?

Yes. One of the reasons I chose Shaw in the first place is because it’s made in the USA and the carpeting won’t give us cancer. Or something. (You can read more about the Green Label Plus program for low chemical emissions here.)

Speaking of green, I’ve heard that teething frogs taste better when eaten on this particular wall-to-wall carpeting. Is this true?

Yes.

But isn’t that texture a little rough on her sweet baby skin?

Not at all. It’s actually super soft. I can lay on it and be totally comfy, and Kenley happily face-plants into it on a regular basis.

In that case, I’m liking the texture.

Me too. One of the reasons I was initially against wall-to-wall is because it sometimes seems to create a flat sea of color. The basketweave texture in our carpeting prevents that from happening and adds a little modern interest to the floor. Ack I just got all design-speak.

Wouldn’t an orange shag rug have had the same effect?

OMG why didn’t you point that out sooner?! Now we’ve wasted all that money.

Well since you didn’t go with orange, how did you choose your color?

We threw five gazelle up in the air and chose our color based on an algorithm derived from the order in which they fell.

Really?

Yes, that’s why they aren’t returning my calls.

Really?

No. Actually, we just went to the carpet store, looked at the miniscule color swatches, then politely asked the owner if we could perhaps have some larger samples ordered directly from Shaw before we installed 1600 square feet of a color that looked totally different on a 3”x3” square. They were happy to oblige given the volume of our order, and had the swatches shipped directly to our house. It took about 1.38 seconds for both of us to realize which one was the right choice.

So much did it cost, then?

A lot, by our penny-pinching standards. In fact, it was the most money we’ve put into our home since living here. But we wanted a high-quality product that had good aesthetics and was eco-friendly, so that’s why we were fairly picky and didn’t just go with the cheapest big-box retailer option. We also had the entire upstairs and a stairwell done at once, which obviously cost more right now but saved us money in the long run: the retailer gave us a large volume discount and a free upgrade to the higher quality padding, neither of which we would have gotten if we’d done it one room at a time. I should also add, though, that Shaw does offer more expensive options, and our choice reminds me of some of the more expensive options sold by FLOR. So overall, we landed middle-of-the-road. Just call us roadkill.

It seems to me we’ve covered everything, roadkill. Is there anything else you’d like to add?

2.13.2014

My blog hasn’t had a midlife crisis in a while, so it was no surprise to me when over the weekend it tried to sneak out to get hair implants and then began demanding a Porsche. I firmly said no while doing more important things, like creating that raindrop decal accent wall in K’s nursery. But when it began whining about its liver spots and then threatened to look up its old beaus on Facebook, I said whatever, enough is enough and offered a simple facelift as collateral. It appears to have been appeased with its new header and fonts and colors, but I’ve hidden the steroids just in case.

Speaking of blog facelifts, I’ve done various simple things over the years—obviously nothing major; I’m just using Blogger as a platform, after all—and have spent a lot of time googling all around for clear tutorials containing certain information about how to customize a Blogger blog. I thought I’d save some of you the googling around and compile helpful resources all in one tiny little post; unless you like the googling around, of course, in which case please don’t let me interfere. But might I recommend instead searching for something more exciting like hair implant fails? And then report back to me with your findings.

Visit the following links to learn how to…

Create a custom blog header. Say your blog was called That Time I Got a Chin Job and OtherMidlife Musings. You could make a totally customized header that featured a close-up of your…chin job.

Ooooookay. I’ve officially poked way too much fun in the direction of midlife crisis. This will probably come back to haunt me in 35 years when I am trying to buy cheetah-print shorts at Aeropostale and some super hilarious 27-year old cashier is rolling her eyes at me. Signing off now.

P.S. If you’ve made a tutorial about blog customization OR know of another good one, please feel free to add it in the comments! :)

The owner of the room approves and I’ve caught her studying her raindrops on a few occasions. When it was time to take her picture, though, she was more interested in studying the camera.

One of my favorite parts about this wall is that it is completely reversible: the raindrops are made out of adhesive vinyl. Which means that I could rearrange them every day into random shapes like a pancreas, or a squirrel, or a squirrel’s pancreas, if I was so moved. Luckily for you and the squirrel I’d need to bring to an untimely demise in order to know what a squirrel’s pancreas looks like, I am not so moved.

I did some much-needed stash-busting and used up all of the white and green vinyl that I had on hand, and then ordered the colored vinyl on eBay. I made the raindrop template on my Cricut and then pushed a button and went and did other things while my Cricut did all of the work for me. Yes, you could probably cut out 200 raindrops shape by hand with little to no whining and drama, but to be honest I’d rather pursue that squirrel and his pancreas.

When it was time to put them up, I did the white ones first, leaving space randomly between them for the colored ones. I did a fair amount of rearranging to get the colored ones where I wanted them—not too close to another one of the same color, evenly distributed across the wall, avoiding any sort of predictable pattern, etc. Organized chaos is my specialty.

When there were only a handful of spaces left, I used scraps of vinyl as placeholders so I could figure out how many more raindrops of certain colors I needed to cut out.

As far as measuring goes, there was a TON. And by a TON I mean a ton of none. (Recall my use of the word chaos.) I just started sticking the raindrops up there and eyeballed the distances between them. It’s imperfect, but no raindrop ever claimed to fall equidistant from its neighbor…possibly because the word equidistant is above a raindrop’s primitive vocabulary. This system worked because I could stick, stand back, and adjust when necessary. I might have had to be a responsible math-favoring adult if I’d been using a stencil and paint.

Overall, the wall makes Kenley’s nursery my hands-down favorite room in the house, and in my opinion its sweetness is exceeded only by the sweetness of the room’s primary occupant.

Total cost for the project: $12 and change for the colored vinyl. Total time on task: probably three or four hours uninterrupted by that cute little face. This project was definitely more time-consuming than it was difficult.

Have you ever made anything with adhesive vinyl? Who wants to hire Kenley to model their projects?Who wants to share my eggless cookie dough? On second thought, I don’t know if I am willing to share my baby or that cookie dough. Offers retracted.

And you are now thinking: That’s great, Erin. What exactly is your point.

My point is that I have no point other than that there’s a good chance a triceratops still roamed the earth when we looked at each other and said “Why don’t we send the upstairs of our house to rehab?” But the time spent paid off, because we seriously have a brand new upstairs. Like almost as brand new as Cher’s face. However, this post will likely go down in history as The One Erin and Rick Will Revisit From Time to Time and Wonder Why They Didn’t Just Buy an RV and Live in a Field.

It’s sort of a tragedy to encompass all of these rooms’ work in just one teensy little post. Oh well. I shall console myself by gazing upon footage of this “before” angle.

And here’s a gratuitous “in-progress” shot as further proof of our insanity. I mean seriously, what kind of pregnant lady is okay with this sort of disaster happening in her nest.

You’ll notice that “after” picture contains no bed. Or other furniture. This is because we are going minimalist and have slept on the floor for the past six months. Actually, that’s a lie. The truth is that this photo was taken just minutes after the carpet was installed. Bedroom updates—helpfully complete with bed—coming soon.

A bonus not included here is “Console your hysterical wife after she trips on the stairs when the railing is gone and doesn’t even remember how she ended up at the bottom of the stairs because she was working so hard to not land on her baby belly.” Truly, I was in Mama Bear mode. Unsteady, balance-challenged Mama Bear mode. Bears in the wild don’t seem to have that problem. Perhaps it’s the four legs, or the general lack of stairs.

The details of our brand new upstairs started out being all cozy in one post but it was ridiculously long. So today you got Part 1 and next week you’ll get Part 2.

Before I sign off, I should add that that the majority of this work came to be in the seven months before Kenley was born. This was because we like to be ridiculous and obviously pregnancy is the best time to do renovation wanted to have the entire upstairs carpeted before she arrived, and in order for that to happen, a TON of messy work—as evidenced by the lists above—needed to be done first. With the October deadline looming over us, the carpet made its grand entrance just a month and a half before Kenley did. I’ll share more specifics about the carpet in an upcoming post. Spoiler alert: we are very happy with it.

Did your house need some resurfacing or did it come as a new blank slate? Should we have skipped all the labor and instead purchased an RV? According to Clark Griswold, they look nice parked in driveways.