Pages

Welcome to Snarkfest

Welcome to my snarky corner of the web. Join me as I discuss everything from wine to chocolate. There may be a few other topics mixed in there too. I talk a bunch about my amazing offspring, 19 and 17. I sometimes go on and on about my secret crush on the amazing Mike Rowe. I talk about things that irritate me or things that make me happy. Sometimes I just talk to hear myself talk. Feedback is always appreciated but please make sure it's respectable. No nudity or profanity. I'm the only one allowed to be profane. But any and all snark is welcome and appreciated!

Monday, September 30, 2013

Do you love reading? Enjoy free stuff? Did you miss the boat on summer's GIGANTIC, multi-blog reading giveaway and you want another chance to win?!?! Well, we've delivered, except for one tiny difference - this time, it's EVEN BIGGER!
Even more of your favorite bloggers have joined together to bring you the hugest giveaway on the innerwebz - you are not going to believe this prize package.
Seriously.
Now that the kids are back in school, maybe you find yourself with a little extra free time for reading grown-up people books with grown-up people words in them. Maybe, as the autumn air gets chillier, you're looking for an excuse to snuggle up inside under a blanket. Whatever the reason, one thing's for sure: you need some great stuff to read. Thus, we bring you...

THE BIGGEST FALL READING GIVEAWAY EVER!

First off, we've collected practically an entirely new library for you - nine (9) (NINE!!!) new books to make you laugh, cry, and forget that you were supposed to turn on the crockpot because you're just plain having too much fun.

You Have Lipstick On Your Teeth, the long-awaited first humor anthology from In The Powder Room, is the #1 Hot New Release on Amazon for good reason - it's packed with 39 (mostly) true tales by women, for women, about being women—bodily changes, relationships, careers, motherhood, aging, illness, and more—written with the humor and grit that proudly sets In The Powder Room apart. The winner's shiny new copy will be signed by none other than Lipstick co-author and editor, Leslie Marinelli of The Bearded Iris!

Do you have a copy of the hilarious best-selling collection of hilarious essays, I Just Want To Pee Alone, yet? Well, I bet you don't have a copy signed by four of the co-authors - Amy Bozza of My Real Life signed one with Kim Bongiorno, Kim Forde and Anna Sandler, and she's willing to part with it JUST FOR YOU! It covers every parenting topic from planning for your baby, to being driven insane by your children, to... wait, are there other parenting topics? Yes, don't be silly, of course there are. I'm pretty sure.

From Abby Has Issues, you'll get a signed paperback copy of Abby Still Has Issues, the 5-star rated second installment of award-winning humor writer Abby’s compiled blogging neurosis - everything from the drama of a cab ride with Aunt Mable to her quest to become a naked sushi model.

Of course your library won't be complete without a signed paperback copy of the best selling debut of humorist Paige Kellerman, At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles - a touching story of cankles, gestational diabetes, and one woman's quest not to pee her own pants while carrying twins.

Still want more parenting laughs? Parenting Gag Reel - Hilarious Writes and Wrongs (from the popular Life Well Blogged series) is for moms and dads who've fought to get little ones down for a nap, worn their pajamas to drop off the kids at school or can name at least ten shades of poop. If that's you, you're in the right place for an afternoon of laughter, thanks to some very funny bloggers, including Snarkfest.
But wait - that's not all! Because we love you and we know that just WANTING to read doesn't always get you the time, setting, and accessories that make it possible, we're also including all of this:

Because it's hard to concentrate on reading while the kids are awake, we'll set you up with the customizable kid's photo clock of your choice from ZAZOO KiDS! In addition to allowing you to upload your own photos, video and music, it has pre-programmed image alarms to show a child visually when they can start the day or when it is time to rest. Brilliant! For maximum reading time, we recommend setting bedtime to 4 PM.

Because they might still need a little help staying in bed, there's Duck Tape. Everyone can find a fun and creative use for Duck Tape, from crafty tweens to practical DIYers, to mamas who just want to read for a minute, for Pete's sake. We're giving away an awesome prize pack of Duck Tape in assorted colors and patterns.

Because sometimes Mama needs a little glass of something while she reads, you'll get a monogrammed Vino-2-Go (Wine Sippy! Right? RIGHT? Awesome.) for those special times when you need to be the classiest bitch at a party, or when you're just afraid you might spill some precious vino on your precious book.

Because you need to be comfortable while you read, we're bringing you your choice of one throw pillow from Sewn, Inc. Sewn is a small design atelier in Brooklyn, NY, specializing in dressmaking, custom Halloween costumes for children, home decor accents, and quilted Christmas stockings.

Because you might be out and about while you're reading (hey, it could happen), the winner will also get a $30 gift certificate to the Jennifer Ladd shop on Etsy, which is chock full of gorgeous handbags and change purses.

Because you'll need something clean for your kids to wear if you hope to put off the laundry one more day, let us introduce you to Nostalgic Graphic Tees by Elizabeth Horton. Brushed for softness and screen printed using multiple layers of environmentally friendly ink, you'll be happy when this becomes your child's favorite shirt because it'll stand up to life and washings and still look good enough to hand down to a little brother or sister. Winner gets to choose any tee from the Etsy site. That's winner's choice! You just have to pick from a size in stock.

Because you'll need something cozy to "borrow" from your husband's closet while you read (or because you're the husband whose cozy stuff keeps getting "borrowed," or because you just happen to like reading and comfort), Cool Dads is providing one of their tees. They work hard to make tees that their kids would dig, and that they would be proud to wear too. They feature a tailored fit, custom stitching, and high quality bamboo viscose material that makes their shirts softer than the softest cotton, keep you degrees cooler, and even repel sweat to keep you dry.

Because people are always trying to take the few things around the house that aren't made by Fisher Price (like your new fantastic book collection) and claim them as their own, label them in style with Name Bubbles. These sturdy, water-resistant and dishwasher safe labels come in a variety of colors, sizes, and fonts so you can personalize them just the way you want. We're giving away a School Labels Pack, an assortment of over 80 labels!

Because we know you'll get interrupted while you're trying to read, you'll get a $40 gift card to Snappin Studio, where they make unique hand stamped metal keepsakes like beautiful copper bookmarks. What a stylish way to keep track of where you left off, until you're finished getting the kids just one more glass of water at 10:30 PM! Shop for gorgeous hand stamped metal gifts such as personalized guitar picks, unique anniversary gifts, handmade wedding favors and more.

Also, because we know we're all just barely holding it together ourselves, we're including a canvas I Just Want To Pee Alone tote bag so YOU can hold all this stuff together - super rare and totes adorable, you'll be able to carry all this incredible loot in style.

And finally, because we know we might have forgotten something (Who, US???), the lucky winner will also get a $175.00 Amazon gift card, to spend however he or she wants, although we strongly suggest using it to buy the giveaway hosts something pretty.
That's almost $700 worth of fantastic prizes!

NOW FOR THE NITTY-GRITTY:
To qualify: You must have a deep, burning desire to own all or part of the stuff mentioned above, and live in the United States. (So sorry, non-United States friends - we love you big time, but we don't understand your sweepstakes rules and don't enjoy serving jail time. Also, POSTAGE. Gah. It's, like, more than college tuition.)

Required: Do the little Rafflecopter thingy. Winner will be chosen at random and notified after the giveaway closes on Saturday, October 5. If there's no response from the winner within 24 hours, another winner will be chosen and so on until I decide just to keep everything for myself. (I'm kidding, of course. OR AM I? Yes, I'm kidding.)

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

UPDATE TO THIS STORY!Brian Holloway is now pressing charges. I have NO sympathy for the children who did this, and I applaud him for the effort he made in trying to HELP them. But apparently those kids don't NEED his help, so he is WELL within his rights to press charges.

__________________________________________________________________________Just when I think I can't get any more discouraged about the generation being raised today, something comes along to lower my expectations even more. It makes me wonder what kind of job I'm doing as a parent. I'm so disgusted right now after reading Facebook, I can't even put my thoughts together. This post may not be the high quality Pulitzer-prize-winning blog post you've come to expect from me, but that's because I'm writing it between dry heaves in the damn bathroom. Let me 'splain.

My friend Marguerite just posted a link to a story that I hadn't heard before. Now that I've read it, I want to vomit. An ex-NFL player, Brian Holloway owns a house in Stephentown, NY and another, which is his primary residence, in Florida. Over Labor Day weekend, when Holloway was at his home in Florida, his son contacted him to let him know that he had seen some disturbing activity on Twitter, apparently there was a break-in at Holloway's Stephentown home, and kids were tweeting that there was a huge party there. 300 kids showed up. 300 kids did over $20,000 worth of damage to this man's home.

Take that in for a moment: 300 kids broke into this man's home and did $20,000 in damage. Piss on carpets, broken windows, garbage strewn all over, spray paint all over the walls, a statue was stolen, but eventually returned (thank God SOMEONE had a conscience). Some of the tweets about this party were sickening. How about this one: "So glad my parents don't give a fuck what I do" or maybe this one: "yeah mom, I went to a party and got drunk but hey at least I'm not a meth addict".

Seriously? Do you think your mom is happy about that? What kind of children are these parents raising?? Oh my God I'm just speechless. But wait, there's more. Sit down, this is going to come as a bit of a shock:

Brian Holloway may actually be getting sued by the parents of the 300 kids who trashed his house. SUED. Why? Because he had the audacity to try to HELP these kids. How dare he?? Rather than to go straight to the police and seek to press charges, he did something amazing. He created a website, and tried to reach out to these kids to try to HELP them before they do something tragic. He's buried several friends who passed away too soon from drugs and alcohol, so he set up a website, attempting to identify the 300 kids, and invited them to come to his property for a picnic he planned to host for veterans, asking them to help clean up and try to make some amends. He's identified at least 100 of the 300 kids, and on his website, HelpMeSave300, has pictures and tweets that were posted on Twitter by these kids. Read that again. These kids posted their pictures and tweeted about the party on Twitter for the whole world to see. Yet, these parents are looking to sue him for posting these pictures and names on his website. How utterly disgusting is that? Is it me? Am I out of line here? And do you know how many of these kids and their parents showed up to the picnic? 4. FOUR. 4 of the 300 students came to his house and helped. MIND = BLOWN.

What does this say about the PARENTS?? That these parents would rather SUE this man, who is the VICTIM here, for putting their kids on his website, than to have their children step up and take responsibility for their actions. I'm utterly aghast and I don't think I've ever actually been aghast before. And let me tell you, it's not a good feeling.

Look, if it was my kid who was involved, I'd want to know about it. If it was my kid who was stupid enough to tweet about it and post pictures of themselves trashing a stranger's house, I'd damn sure want to know about it, and I'd DAMN sure hold my child accountable for her actions. My child may be too old for me to beat her ass, but don't think I wouldn't try if she did something as incredibly horrific and stupid as this.

Accountability. Responsibility. Conscience. What the hell happened to those three things?

I applaud Brian Holloway, he's a better person than I will ever hope to be. I'd be looking for restitution and justice. He's just looking to help these kids turn around and be productive. That is something that their PARENTS should be doing, but apparently, that's just not the case.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Ya know, just when you THINK you've heard it all, a man goes and cuts off his testicles with scissors on his wedding day. Seriously. There are some things you just CAN NOT make up. This is one of those things. This is something that should be reported on Dumbass News. Because clearly, this guy is a dumbass. And it made news. Read about it here, then explain somethings to me. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Twigs and berries courtesy of monkeemama.com

Now that you've read it, WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS HE THINKING???? Here's a brief synopsis for those of you who didn't take the time to read it (lazy butts).

A. An hour before he is scheduled to say 'I do' to his lovely fiance, he whacks off is own nuts
2. Early wedding-goers had the pleasure of seeing said bloody nuts on the floor of the church
B. The eunich was sent for a psychiatric eval (ya think??) after a trip to the ER
Lastly, NOBODY TOLD THE BRIDE UNTIL AFTER THE WEDDING (which DID actually take place that day!)

Holy flipping cheeseburgers, Batman, can you imagine the surprise this bride got at that wedding and then later on her wedding night???? I'm picturing that it went something like this:

Bride: Um, dude, what the hell happened? Where are your balls? Where the hell are your balls??? You had balls yesterday, hell you've had balls for as long as I've known you, and now? NO balls! What's up with that?
Nutless Wonder: Oh, yeah, hey, funny story............

How do you explain to your new wife that you CUT OFF YOUR OWN SAC??? Correct me if I'm wrong, and maybe it's just me, but if my soon-to-be-hubby was fruit-loopy enough to take a pair of scissors and cut off his own stones, I do think I'd want to know about it BEFORE I MARRIED HIM!!! But no, no one told her. According to the article, the bride WASN'T informed about why the wedding was delayed until AFTER the nuptuals took place. For real?? What the hell?? Didn't anyone stop for a minute and think: "Gee, I wonder if she plans on having some sex on her wedding night? Cuz sex with a man who just gashed his gonads might be a little tricky." I can't even imagine how furious I would be if this had happened to me. Seriously, girlfriend deserves to know she's marrying a total nutjob (sorry for the pun).

Maybe the groom was afraid that if he kept his junk, he'd end up like this guy, who, for all intents and purposes, raped a Land Rover. I wish I could make this stuff up.

***UPDATED FOR CLARIFICATION: Ok, my bad, sorry. It wasn't the actual GROOM who did the cutting off of the stuff. It was an unnamed man. Still doesn't change the fact that some whackjob cut off his own jewels, just that he delayed some poor couple's wedding while they cleaned his junk off the floor. My apologies to the groom. I'm sure he and Mrs. Groom had a lovely wedding and a lovely wedding night. With sex.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

When the phone rang yesterday morning at 8:53 and my husband was on the other end telling me "I just want you to know that I'm okay" I'll admit, I had no idea what he was talking about. I was in the process of getting ready for work, I had no TV, no radio, no social media going on. Just me and my hair dryer. I was like...."okayyyyyy, why?" He told me there had been a shooting on the base. The base where he works in DC. At that moment, 10,000 thoughts went flying through my head. None of them made any sense, other than he was okay. He was safe. And that's what I held onto.

The shooting occurred in a different building across the base from where he works. There was one shooter. No, there were three. There were 4 people dead. There was a guy lying on the ground in front of CVS who had been shot. There were 2 gunmen. There were 6 people dead. The gunman was dead. There were 2 other gunmen on the loose. No, the guy in the picture by CVS had a heart attack. I heard more inaccuracies, more misinformation. The only thing I held onto was that my husband was continually in contact with me. I sat at my desk at work with an uneasy knot in my stomach. I knew he was safe, he reassured me throughout the day that he was in a brick building, away from windows, completely safe. But the media was just running rampant with crazy stories that they HAD to put out before anything was verified, which in turn, scares the hell out of the public, who rely on them for facts. Sadly, facts don't matter, getting the story out before anyone else matters, regardless of how inaccurate the story turns out to be.

He was finally cleared to leave his building at 7:15 last night, long after the last train for home had gone. So he took the Metro and I drove to pick him up. The relief I felt when I saw him was unmatched by any relief I've ever felt. It was only then that I allowed myself to think about all those folks whose loved ones weren't going to come home. I thought about those family members who were not in touch with their loved ones all day. How frightening must that have been for them? The whole not knowing what's going on scares the daylights out of me. I was lucky. But others were not. I felt guilty for not thinking about others all day. Real guilt, because my husband was with me, and others were without their spouses, their sons or daughters, their grandfathers or grandmothers. Their neighbors. Their friends. I felt terrible for those who lost loved ones, but I was thankful that I was not one of them.

Guilt is a strong emotion. So is fear, and I tried to imagine the fear of the unknown. And it made me sick. My mind wandered, during my drive home with my husband safely in my car. It wandered back to that Tuesday 13 years ago. That beautiful September day when we were attacked by terrorists. The fear that family members must've felt not knowing if their loved ones were alive or dead. Phone reception in NYC was spotty at best that day. My husband was able to get through to his sister who worked several blocks from the World Trade Center. Others weren't as lucky. And so they waited and wondered what had become of their loved ones. As I drove home last night I could not even wrap my brain around the fear of NOT knowing that my loved one was safe. It was just something I cannot imagine going through.

My heart goes out to all who lost a loved one yesterday and to those who face an uphill battle in their recovery from gunshots. And an unbelievable amount of gratitude goes out to all of my friends and family who called, texted, Facebook'ed, or emailed to check in on us, to make sure we were okay, to see if I needed help with anything. I'm lucky to have an amazing connection to everyone who helped make yesterday a little easier to bear. And I'm lucky that I had my husband home with me last night.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Who doesn't want a night out with the girls, right? I mean, we ALL need time away with our girlfriends, don't we? It's what keeps us sane. If we don't get a night out every so often, the terrorists win, right? So last year, the fabulous Jen of People I Want to Punch in the Throat organized a Ladies Night Out in her little town, and she was joined by a bunch of other moms who just wanted a night out. The evening was a success and a great time was had by all.

Well this year, after she masterminded the hilariously awesome book I Just Want to Pee Alone (in case you've lived under a rock, I co-authored that book with 36 other fantastically funny ladies) she has coordinated ANOTHER Moms Night Out, only this time, we're ALL joining in!

That's right, all across the U.S. on Wednesday, October 16 Moms EVERYWHERE are going out! It's NATION WIDE!! And it doesn't matter if you're Mom to kids, dogs, ferrets, or dust bunnies, YOU'RE INVITED!! Since we are scattered all over the United States, there is a place for (almost) everyone to go out and enjoy National Night Out, a night of eating, drinking and peeing alone, with other Moms who all just want to pee alone. My night out will be held at Domestic located at 117 E. German St in Shepherdstown, WV on Wednesday night, October 16 from 7-10 p.m. When you walk in, just tell them you came to Pee Alone and they'll send you to the side room where we will be frolicking together and enjoying our freedom (if only for a few hours).

If you live near me in Shepherdstown, WV, I would absolutely LOVE for you to join me at Domestic for this National Night Out of fun and laughter. But if you don't live near me, don't fret, we're hosting this event all over the country!! Check out the I Just Want to Pee Alone Facebook Events page for a location near you! There are going to be Moms going out to eat, drink and pee alone in places like Minneapolis, Chicago, Morristown NJ, Houston, Lancaster PA, Boston, Indiana, Colorado, Kansas and MORE!! Check out the events page to see where YOU can join in the fun.

If you aren't close to any of the ladies hosting, don't be sad, because YOU can host your OWN National Night out! Just pick a location on October 16th, tell them you want to host a Moms Night Out and send out invites to your friends! Then send your details (location, time, address, etc) to Jen at "sweetsadiecreations @ gmail dot com" (but, you know, the real way, with all that stuff strung together) and she'll add your event to the Events page so that MORE people will find out and show up! How cool is that?

So save the date! Wednesday, October 16 7-10 p.m. Go out and have fun!!!

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

I'm sorry I've been neglecting you all, my lovely Snarklings. Remember when I told you about Mom's COPD kicking her butt? Well it hit the fan Friday afternoon when she had to be taken to the hospital with chest pains. Turns out the heart doesn't like it when it's not getting enough oxygen, and it rebels. Luckily it was just a scare and she was released on Sunday, but I took 16 & 13 up for a visit to spend time with her and make sure she was okay.

Image courtesy: dreamstime.com

Got home Monday morning well after 1:00 a.m. Sleepy Snarky! Can I just tell you that I got home from work at 5:20 yesterday afternoon and went almost immediately to sleep? Well, too late, I just told you. I slept from about 6:00 p.m. til about 11:00 last night. I got up long enough to scarf down a bowl of cereal, went back to bed at midnight and slept until 6:30 this morning. I feel a bajillion percent better today. Sleep is such a good thing.

Know what else is a good thing? A FREE TARGET GIFT CARD! That's right! I've had 2 people enter my little Songs for the Schoolbus contest on the old Book of Face Page. The race is tight, so see if you can find more of my Songs for the Schoolbus on my Facebook page than anyone else and you'll have yourself a $25 Target Gift Card! Exciting, right?

Isn't he the cutest?? Image courtesy: Target.com

I was too tired to do a Tuesday Tirade yesterday and I'm in a much better mood so I'm not going to do a Wednesday Whine, but I would be remiss if I didn't at least mention in passing that it's 9/11, the 12th anniversary of the attacks on the US. I don't ever discuss politics, you guys know that. But I will mention the sadness I feel when I remember that day. I went to high school with one of the victims who perished in the World Trade Center, and worked with the mother of one of the pilots who was a Captain of one of the planes. My heart goes out to their families and the families of all those who died that day. And to the survivors who live on. Tonight I will probably break out the VHS tape I have of the documentary 9/11 with Robert DeNiro, and my family and I will remember, we'll cry and we'll pray. We may even have ice cream. Because if we can't have ice cream, then the terrorists win!

The girls are back to their old tricks (staying up too late, missing the bus in the morning). I've been chastised by 13 because it's embarrassing when friends come up and say "I read your mom's song this morning, you missed the bus again, huh?" Hmmm, here's a thought: MAKE THE BUS and I won't embarrass you anymore. It's not rocket science. The bus comes at 7:16. Be on it. On the plus side, I DID make $10 this morning driving them both to school.

Here's one more piece of business, lest you forget. See that little Amazon box over there on the right? Yeah, anytime you wanna make an Amazon purchase, if you could use that link instead of going right to Amazon's site, it'll make me a few cents. Now a few cents doesn't mean much but if all 6 of you who actually read my stuff would use that link to make your purchases on Amazon.com, I would maybe have enough to buy a Blizzard from Dairy Queen. Because if I can't buy a Blizzard, the terrorist win!

So thanks for reading today and I hope you all take a moment to remember this day and hug your family a little tighter and thank God we are a free country. Go on, hug your family, don't let the terrorists win.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Hey Snarklings! Miss me? I've missed you guys. School's back in session, Holiday weekend just passed us and this is the first chance I've had to actually sit down and write! Silly life getting in the way. Anywhooo, how've ya been? What's new in your world? We've recovered from the 1D movie, got new phones over the weekend because on Sunday it was 15's birthday!Happy Birthday to my gorgeous 16!! Gotta remember to go change the info on my pages here to reflect her getting older.My mom's been having trouble lately. Her emphysema has been kicking her ass lately, so that's had us troubled with all the humidity she's been laboring through. Keep her in your thoughts, will ya?Phillies are struggling through the end of a losing season. I don't want to talk about that anymore.And guess who has a chance to win a $25 Target gift card!!! YOU!! That's right, I'm currently running a contest on my Snarkfest Facebook page, so go check it out. Because I suck at keeping track of stuff, I have NO idea how many songs I've written for the school bus (if you missed todays, here it is:)Maybe she took a showerMaybe she took too longMaybe she's out of her miiiiiiiindOk now here we goTry to just wake her ass upBut she's an animalIt seems she's hibernatin'And that's why 'Manda missed the school busI know she missed itYou know she missed itI had to drive herMissed the school busShe let it get past herI'm flabberghastedTalk about spend gas cashShe missed the school busBlurred Lines - Robin ThickeHere is what I'm asking you to do in order to win the Target gift card. Go to my Snarkfest Facebook page and search back, back way back. As far as you can possibly search, and find as many songs for the school bus as you can. I know there have to be at least 100 between songs that display them missing the bus as well as making the bus. Find songs, copy and paste them to a Word document. When you have as many as you can find, message me on FB and I'll get the document from you. The contest will end on September 30 and whoever finds the most number of songs and pastes them into the document will win a $25 Target gift card! In the even that there is a tie, I will award 2 $15 Target gift cards. A 3-way tie, and I will award 3 $10 Target gift cards. So get moving! Go back on my FB page as far as you can and find as many songs for the bus that you can (so I don't have to, I'm lazy like that).