UCF to Open Satellite Campus in Space

The University of Central Florida has announced plans to have a satellite campus on the International Space Station open by 2026. The announcement (which comes despite President Trump’s vow last month to completely defund the ISS by the year 2025) marks the newest initiative in the University’s ruthless and uncompromising quest to expand study abroad opportunities for its students.

The University prides itself on its study abroad program: hundreds of students have successfully traveled everywhere from Canada to North Korea since its inception. Global UCF’s desire to quickly expand the program to the far reaches of the solar system spearheaded the proposal.

“We’ve seen tremendous success with the medical city and the downtown campus. This is the perfect time to start branching out globally–and intergalactically–to spread the spirit of being a UCF Knight. We’ve even got our own mascot ready to go to represent us in space. It’s time for Citronaut to end his decades long retirement and make us proud from up above,” said Vice President William Merck.

“We have to grab these opportunities where we can,” said Director of Aerospace Engineering Woody Aldrin. “We can’t let ol’ Musky get his hands on every aspect of the final frontier.”

Leaked documents have revealed that UCF’s proposal required the employees of the ISS to slowly vacate the station over a period of five years. Before returning home, NASA employees will be forced to train their replacements or risk losing their pensions.

While the prospect of spending a semester hurtling above Earth at 17,150 miles per hour is certainly exciting, many are unhappy with the University’s newest acquisition. They feel that in focusing attention on its newest crusade, the University has failed to address glaring issues on the main campus that demand attention.

“Repair the reflecting pond, eradicate the roach infestation in Libra, and reduce the dangerous suction levels of the toilets in the MSB first floor men’s room. Then we can talk about outer space,” said freshman Computer Science major Andrew Benson.

Despite the backlash, UCF has no plans to relent in its mission to provide a top-notch study abroad program. Inside sources have told The Stallion that the University plans to open a Mars campus and to annex some smaller eastern European countries in the near future.

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