My Husband Got A Standing Ovation At Starbucks

Lucy goes to ballet twice a week. Because we have two kids and have to divide and conquer with the chauffeur duties, my husband Robert sometimes drives her to class. A mandatory part of taking her to ballet class is making sure her hair is in a bun before you drop her off. She can’t quite manage it on her own yet, so she needs a little help.

Because my husband doesn’t wear buns (or much head hair at all for that matter), I had to school him up on the whole “making a bun” process. This took several sessions, and I even had to modify my usual technique for his giant sausage fingers. He eventually mastered it (I tested him and everything), and he can now produce a perfect bun in under 10 minutes flat.

It’s nice to have a husband who isn’t afraid to tackle the really difficult parenting tasks like preteen hairdos! Isn’t it fantastic?!

YAY!!

Except NO!

Here’s how it all went wrong…

Lisa:Robert just got back from ballet with Lucy, and I’m so perturbed!

Ashley:Oh, no! Did he get her there late?

Lisa: No. He was totally on time.

Ashley:Did he forget to send her with her ballet bag?

Lisa: No. She had all her shoes and gear.

Ashley:Well, I can certainly see why you are so upset. THE NERVE!

Lisa: Ha, ha, ha. When you hear the injustice that has taken place you will feel my pain.

Ashley: I’m always up for a good rant. Lay it on me, sister.

Lisa: He picked her up from school and, since they had 30 minutes to kill before ballet started, they stopped at Starbucks.

Ashley: Aw, don’t be upset! You take her to Starbucks all the time. She knows you’re the “fun one” too. Sometimes.

Lisa: No, I have no problem with *that*. I would not begrudge them Starbucks goodness. It’s what happened there that has me irritated.

Ashley: Did they forget to bring you a latte?

Lisa: Well, now that you mention it, yes, but this is even worse!

Ashley: Worse than depriving you of a latte? Oh, man!!

Lisa: Oh, yes. After she changed into her leotard in the restroom, he got to work putting her hair in a bun.

Ashley: Okaaaay….

Lisa: Well, after he performed the bun procedure I so carefully taught him, the craziest thing happened. An elderly couple at a neighboring table actually STOOD UP AND STARTED CLAPPING FOR HIM, and not in an ironic way. They were clapping and cheering because he was able to put her hair in a bun. Basically, they gave him a standing ovation because he was parenting, FFS.

Ashley: NO!

Lisa: YES! And here’s the worst part. Once that table stood up FIVE OTHER TABLES DID, TOO! It spread throughout the whole shop. My favorite barista, Mark, even did one of those really loud whistles with his fingers. They were all going nuts and telling him what a great dad he was because he put her hair in a damn bun. I have literally done this millions of times with no accolades whatsoever.

Ashley: In fact, doesn’t she normally complain that you aren’t gentle enough?

Lisa: Yes.

Ashley:I am full of rage on your behalf! That is SO unfair! Did he at least have the good sense to be embarrassed by the display?

Lisa: Ugh, no! He was *so* proud of himself. I think he might have even taken a bow. He couldn’t wait to tell me all about it!

Isn’t that always the way it goes?

Moms are expected to do it all. Cooking and cleaning–check. Planning birthday parties and getting the school supplies–of course. Laying out the clothes and packing the lunches–duh. All the things.

Do moms get an “attagirl” for showing their basic parenting chops? Pfftt. The usual response showing up to carpool on time isn’t, “Aw! It’s so sweet that you picked her up!” (Totally what they say to dads.) It’s more like, “You need to pull closer to the curb in the future. Also, turn off your engine if you’re idling.”

So the next time you see a mom out there keeping a toddler from licking a trash can, while identifying dinosaur species for a preschooler, and simultaneously checking long division with a preteen, consider standing up and giving her a round of applause. You know nobody else will…unless she changes her name to “dad”.

Have you ever witnessed this hideous phenomenon? Tell us your tale of woe…or your own parenting pet peeve!

Comments

My Husband Got A Standing Ovation At Starbucks — 291 Comments

SO true!!! How freakin annoying. I always give my husband “parades” for things he’s supposed to do but wants special recognition for. He empties the dishwasher (once every year) and wants me to fall all over myself with appreciation, so I start singing and clapping my hands like cymbals and throwing confetti. The fact that total strangers did this *seriously* over a bun makes me BSC. But I’m still laughing 🙂

I will begin this by saying I do have children, they are 9 and 7 years old and yet somehow I was about to clap your husband too. Not a get my pom poms out to cheer but I was impressed by his final exam and then to achieve it again while under the pressure of a public performance. This all now has me wondering what is wrong with me. Why do I thank hubby for emptying the dishwasher or pretty please cherry on top can you bring washing in. MMMMM time to rethink me think.
Thanks for the giggle by the way

I know!! I realized that I even do it, too! It makes me aggravated with myself!! I’ll see a dad at school doing something and I’ll think, “Aw! Isn’t he the greatest!” and then I catch myself when I realized his wife does that 99.9% of the time with no fanfare at all!! WHAT??!! 😀

My husband is an extremely engaged and involved father, and people are always so impressed by it. I give them a quizzical look and say, “Isn’t that what he’s supposed to be??? Sort of like me??? Sort of like ANY parent???”

But for the record, I cannot put hair in a bun. God help me if I ever have a daughter.

Hahahahahah this is so funny!! My husband sometimes takes both the boys to church when I’m sick and he always says it’s so easy and he doesn’t know what I complain about when he disappears at the front entrance and I don’t see him again until it’s time to go home. People fall over themselves offering to take one of the boys off his hands the second he opens the car door. He ends up on his own again!!!

How unbelievably UNFAIR!! Double Standards anyone? 😉
On an entirely different note, I’m pretty impressed that he can do it so perfectly…which is kinda all credits to you sort of thing because you were the one that taught him in the first place 😀

Just thanked god that my husband doesn’t know how to do my girls’ hair at all, not even a ponytail! Seriously though, you made me smile on this one, but also couldn’t totally see why you were upset, when if we did this, it would be no big deal, but when a guy does somehow it is like performed brain surgery in Starbucks!

It was like he was a WIZARD, Janine!! I do admit that looking at him, you’d never dream he had bun making abilities inside of him so that *could* have had something to do with it, but still…BUT STILL!! 😀

I don’t understand why people are so impressed by fathers being parents. It’s what they are supposed to do! I will say that I would be terrible at buns if I had daughters. You’d definitely need to teach me that skill, Lisa. And I would not expect a standing ovation if/when I can do a perfect bun.

First, I give both of you a standing ovation for mastering the bun. I can’t get past anything but the basic ponytail and braid.

It drives me ABSOLUTELY crazy when people say, with horror written across their faces, what do you mean, you left your children at home with your husband while you travel for work?! Well, he is their father after all. Besides breastfeeding, he can do EVERYTHING I can, often times much better! Even worse than that comment is when they lavish him with praise for surviving a week alone. Ohhh, it must have been so tough for you! Do I get any credit when I do the same? Heck, no! Total double standard. Grrrr.

TOTAL double standard, Nicole!! You’d never in a million years hear someone marveling that a husband went off on a trip and the wife ACTUALLY WATCHED THE CHILDREN ALONE!! But reverse the scenario and people just can’t believe it. Pffft. Irritating!

Uggghhh…..I am mad for you! You’re right. It is so true! I think Leo did Belle’s hair once for a party (because I got sick of the screaming and quit) and she told everyone and everyone was oohing and ahhing over it. I think you should tell him that since he did it well enough for a standing ovation, he is in charge of it every single time. 🙂

Bwahahaha. I can just see the oohing and ahhing right now! GAH!! You know, AnnMarie, I just may go ahead and let Robert be the bun mater of the entire house!! After all, nobody ever applauded one of my bunnings! 😀

I am so with you on this one. And some of the other comments have me in stitches. Why do they think they should get a gold star for doing something they should do any danged way! Like take out the trash or empty dishwasher. “Honey, I took the trash out” No (beep) Sherlock?

Ok, I want to give YOU and your husband a standing ovation because I have never, ever successfully given anyone’s hair a perfect bun.
So y’all deserve accolades. And lattes.
It is obnoxious, though, how people respond to dads. And it’s also annoying that when an annoying stranger might see Cassidy in public with the kids, they’ll always have to ask, “What? Is Mom sleeping in today?”
Uh. No. I just trust my husband WITH HIS OWN KIDS!

Oh, gosh. I haven’t heard that one (thank goodness). Or maybe my husband has the good sense not to tell me about it if he has. Would anyone *ever* say that to a woman if she were out with her kids? Never in a million years!! Can you imagine?! 😀

I agree with Tamara, those buns are extremely perfect! Wow. Pinterest worthy for sure!! You deserve a million standing ovations for all that you do, but we will never get it. We will just have to be satisfied with raising amazing adults (and that is not even guaranteed!!)

I can totally imagine the scene, only where you live though, because that would never happen in NYC lol people are just too angry for all of that haha.

You’re right, we just have to be satisfied with raising exceptional people—but there are no guarantees!! That made me laugh so hard! SO TRUE!! (And now I’m eyeballing my teen trying to figure out how I’m doing on that score….)

And I guess this never would happen in NY…yet another reason why I’d probably love living there!! 😀

I was no good at the bun thing either. I blame my parents. I begged and begged for one of those giant Barbie head things back in the day—you know the ones where you can do hair and makeup on them. It was a no-go. Thus, I was always lacking in the hairdo department. Plus I came up in the 80s. We all just had perms. There was no major hair manipulation going on (unless you count Aqua Net)

When it became a must, I got on YouTube and BAM…there are how-to hair video that are fantastic. I can now do a regular bun, a sock bun, a pretzel bun, and even one bun called the cinnamon roll bun. Woot!!

This really chaps my ass. No one gives me kuddos for getting up in the middle of the night with my daughter or cooking dinner or doing the million of other things that I do, but when I tell my friends that my husband helps (which he does) they act like I’m the luckiest girl in the world. Someone needs to give me a standing ovation.

It’s true. SO true. I wonder what happens when my husband and daughter go out now. Hmmn.

On the other side of things, I would have applauded YOU or anyone for that kind of hairdo. Seriously. How is that even physically possible. Have you SEEN my own “buns”? bwahahah. I crack myself up. For real. 🙂

It is way easier doing hair for your daughter than doing your own hair. My own hair–.I couldn’t do a pretty bun on it to save my life. But wait! It just struck me…Now that I’ve taught my husband, he could probably bun *my* hair, too!! Why did I never think of this before?!

OMG. I HATE that! Adam has even commented on the phenomenon; he gets major compliments every time he’s our with one of the kids, and he’s always like “you should see my wife – she handles both of them at once!”

Too funny. It is a decent bun though. Only means YOU’RE an awesome teacher. When my hubs used to have daddy and daughter time when my daughter was a baby, he used to get tons of compliments on how insanely cute his “son” was. In other words, her hair was wild, no cute bows and she was dressed like a boy, no girly goodness. So once again kudos to YOU for doing a great job preparing your hubs.

This is where the ‘sandwich generation’ which is us find ourselves. With so many of the war era men and women still alive to see today’s modern version of fatherhood, when they were raised in the Leave it to Beaver era. It is an acknowledgement if you will that things have changed as far as fatherhood and its responsibilities are concerned. But being a man it went all to his head instead of him saying no really I couldn’t have done this if not for my wife’s patience in teaching me so the real applause belongs to her.. seee he just did it wrong..

Oh, don’t even get me started!! My husband totally milks the system. One day he was driving and he pulled up to park at the curb at school. I said, “Oh, you’re not allowed to park here.” He said, “Oh, it’s okay. They don’t care when dads do it.” AND THEY DON’T. GAH!

Here is what we do: us moms need to start being total slack-asses. Then when we do something amazing we get applauded, too. I think the problem is that we set the bar too high for ourselves. 😉

Random aside- I remember when my Dad had to put my hair in a bun for a HUGE ballet exam I had. It was amazingly full of Aquanet and had 2 packs of bobby pins in it. But he did it. And see how I remember it? My mom put my hair in a bun, oh, how many MILLIONS of times? But when I think back on who nurtured me through my ballet career and life, and whose arms I always ran to, it’s my mom. And no, no cheering O in Starbucks for that but she “wins” in the long run I think?

When my son was first born, all the nurses at the hospital were positively over the moon for my husband. Why? He changed his son’s diapers. In the words of Chris Rock, “You’re SUPPOSED to take care of your kids!” Ugh.

It’s kind of insulting, in a way, that people give dads so little credit that a male-created bun is ovation worthy. That said I have to take my girls to grandmas for any kind of bun action as I am completely inept.

Oh, this would burn me, too! I remember returning from a work trip and having my then-MIL turn to me, beaming, saying that her son “deserved a medal” for getting the kids ready and off to preschool during the 2 mornings I was gone. Which I normally did every single day. I smiled and said, “Wow, yes, maybe they can deliver his medal when they bring mine.”

Oh, and! When he would take our daughter out on his own, she was usually … interestingly dressed in whatever he managed to find and put on her regardless of fit, and let’s not even consider her hair. I didn’t really care what she looked like, but he said people would just smile at him and tell him what a great dad he was, whereas we all know if I took her out looking like that, everybody would put on their judgy pants.

It is a sad commentary, Nina! Let’s start expecting more and being a little less ecstatic when dads manage a mundane parenting task on their own. Then we can reserve standing ovations at Starbucks for the real incredible feats…like being able to pass up a delicious cheesecake brownie!

It really is so annoying that dads get like extra credit for simply being parents. My husband ALWAYS gets compliments when he takes my son out to dinner or whatever without me. People will even say “oh how nice! Just the boys tonight, huh?” Nobody ever says anything like that to me when I have to deal with eating at Noodles again. Sheesh. Her bun does look really good though. 😉
And he didn’t even bring you a latte?? SHAME.

I am still impressed, it seems like doing hair in a bun is one of those impossible magic things that women can do easily but men can only mangle. I think it was just the unexpected part of a guy being able to do it that impressed tnem at Starbucks. If you took a transmission into Starbucks and fixed it you would probably get the ovation.
Also, since you taught him, the standing O was indirectly for you, right?

Since you’ve actually seen Robert in person I cannot blame you for being impressed his giant man hands are so nimble. I will also take the indirect ovation because I am the wind beneath his sausage fingers…I mean wings.

Oh, I feel your pain!!!
When the boys were little – 6 months and 3ish – Chris took them to Soup or Salad for dinner (I opted out for some reason – maybe because I had been home with them all day?!). Anyway, he had people falling all over themselves helping him because he was such a good dad and had his hands full and wasn’t he awesome!!! I can’t tell you how many times I had those same 2 little ones out and had to lift the stroller up a couple stairs while yanking/helping the 3 year old up the same stairs or had to leave all of our food in the middle of the food court at the mall to make a mad dash with a potty training 3 year old to the bathroom without even the offer of someone to watch the food or anything!

I am FREAKING out with laughter at the unbelievable IRONY of it all… ohmygosh this is both hilarious and totally TYPICAL!!! I could picture the scene as if I was there standing and clapping too…as Robert took his bow. HA! Good Lord, these men- these fathers…. just not fair.

My favorite line though was way under the rubble of the story- Ashley saying amidst you making a point- “She even complains about you not being gentle enough…” I just literally upchoked (new word) my coffee at that one!! I’m surprised Lisa wasn’t all like “Well THANK you for pointing that out as well…”

Classic girlfriend talk. Classic guy on a podium taking his award. Classic mom in the shadow of the crowd, doing it all.

My daughter is a dancer, and my husband would not attempt to put her hair in a bun, or even a messy ponytail if he were under threat of gunfire. LOL Luckily she’s 15 now and does it herself, but even ‘back in the day’ when it required parental assistance his fat sausage fingers were not nimble enough for the task! I feel your pain on the standing O though, we moms never get the recognition for the stuff we do every day and dad steps in and woosh…applause!

Once my husband’s grandmother gloated and bragged to the entire family because he changed a diaper at her house. I wasn’t there. I mean, what did she think should happen??

It’s the Olds. My husband’s grandfather has four kids, seven grandkids, and one great-grandkid. Diapers changed in his lifetime: ZERO. And he’s a swell guy; it’s just that nobody ever asked him to until I did. After all that time, he thought I was kidding and wandered off to watch sports or something…

I’m not a parent but one of my pet peeves is when I ask a girlfriend if she can see a movie or go to dinner and she responds “I have to see if HUSBAND FATHER OF MY CHILDREN can babysit.” Huh? Aren’t they his kids too?

Wait – us mom’s are supposed to keep our toddlers from licking trash cans??? Dang – thats where I fell short!
🙂
Just kidding – maybe – kudos and standing ovations to both of yall on mastering a bun – I have no clue how to…my daughter is the one who showed me, and I still am no good at it!
It does seem funny how dad’s and mom’s are supposed to have different roles…like your hubby getting his standing O – a coworkers’ wife was given an atta girl for cutting their grass, and my coworker was livid that no one said anything when he cut the grass himself!

Boy, I don’t blame you at all. Yes, its a darn good bun but you don’t get applause for just doing what you’re supposed to. (unless you’re an nfl player. Then you do a fifteen minute dance for making a tackle).
And what do you say about the dopes who started clapping just because an obviously senile old couple stands up and claps?
I like the way Ashley tried to throw a little gas on the fire by reminding you about the latte.

YESSSSSS! Why do people think dads deserve more kudos for parenting and moms are just supposed to do it and be good at it, naturally? So twisted. I also wonder what message this sends to children–to girls, that they are always supposed to be the caretakers; and to boys, that it’s okay to not be a parent, and when you DO step up and do something parent-ish, expect a gold star. Not good.

So so funny! I can’t believe people actually stood up! I am cracking up at the conversation too.

Before we got married, my father told my husband (and everyone else at our rehersal dinner) that “more men should realize that unloading the dishwasher is good foreplay.” So I’m sure you can imagine how that scenario goes…. he’s always sooooo happy to unload the dishwasher and point out that I didn’t even have to ask. And he’s looking for a little bit more than applause.

But seriously, I don’t understand why people act like it’s a huge achievement for a parent to parent. I will say that my husband always tells me that he is amazed at how I deal with the all day-every day part of parenting toddlers-preschoolers. I appreciate that he acknowledges that it’s hard and frustrating after he takes them both somewhere alone. He’s perfectly willing to do it when need be, which is great! He did keep them one weekend while I went to Atlanta for my cousin’s graduation and every person I met acted like I’d just told them he was running back to back Ironman races for 48 hours. They were so amazed and impressed. Total double standard!

I leave for work earlier than my husband and so for her nursery school years, my husband did her hair every single day. When people say “Who’s babysitting? Your husband?” I say, “He’s their father…it’s not called babysitting.” This was a great post. Thanks!

For whatever reason, this spoke to strangers in a positive way, a little bit of sweetness in what might have been an otherwise bitter day. Be happy for that beautiful connection between people. Be happy that you have a good man. Be happy that he is not the clueless, disengaged schmoe that fathers are consistently portrayed as in the media. Parenthood is not about getting accolades, and if that’s what we do it for, we’re in the wrong profession.

Boy, ain’t that the truth! If we moms were parenting for the accolades, we’d be totally disappointed. I truly am happy that I have a good husband, and I find it very hard to have anything but warm and fuzzy feelings for my beloved Starbucks… but I’m still irked by the parenting double standards. I can’t help it, Ross!!

Given that dad’s aren’t expected to know how to do this (really, unless you’re a dance dad, which Captain is, so I GET this) I can see why people would be SO amazed. THAT being said, I’m a tomboy who hates doing girly hair. Where’s MY standing O for dealing with sparkly butterfly clips and rainbow braids?!

That is so freaking funny!! It is really sweet, and I see why they gave him a standing ovation. Think about it…your hubby is now a classified stud. Not only is he an attentive parent, but he is even a hair stylist! (Have you SEEN the Instagram sensation of the dads doing daughters hair? It’s literally ALL over the place and some of the most liked pictures out there) I think you need to take a pic of your hubby doing this (or video) and submit! You never know…he may be on Ellen next!! 🙂 Of course…we wouldn’t get one person watching us if we slapped our kiddos hair up in a bun….why? We do it without effort. It’s second nature. We are MOMs. Your hubby was probably biting his lip – and trying to get it just right – and EVERYONE noticed. LOL.

I totally understand. My hubby never got a standing ovation but there were many ooos and ahhs when he would go into school when the kids were small. When I would go in it’s like ‘here’s a rag, can you wipe up the kids’ table’. So unfair.

I am totally mad on your behalf!! There is nothing all that spectacular about a man being able to put his daughter’s hair in a bun (Although that’s a really nice bun…) I have made it a point to not let people refer to my husband caring for his offspring as “babysitting.” That drives me up the wall!!

I would have clapped too if I saw it myself! No, I probably would have taken a video and showed it to my husband and tell him “This is how it’s done!” He can’t comb our daughter’s hair without pulling 2 million hairs off! Good job for teaching him how to do it well mama! 😉

Bwahahahahaha!! My husband is a much better hair brusher between the two of us. My daughter says I am too rough. I think it’s because he doesn’t have much hair left on the top of his head, so he considers every follicle precious and treats it like spun gold.

I enjoyed this on multiple levels: 1. his sausage fingers can perform a bun–impressive 2. you had the patience to teach his sausage fingers–more impressive 3. the acknowledgement that a father is DOING HIS JOB by means of a standing ovation is almost a bit condescending if you ask me. Which I appreciate because your graphic about a dad not babysitting but parenting–YES.

Hahahahaha. Thank you, Stephanie!! (and you are right…it’s totally condescending. Dads should be offended! They are too busy basking the smiles from strangers who think they are adorable to notice, I guess)

it might just pain you to be happy for him huh? why not just get a great laugh about it because people look at your husband and think wow some lucky lady has a life with this man and that’s you. instead you look at it from a selfish perspective. it’s the little things in life and your husband got a smile from a little thing (obviously because he was so smitten that he couldn’t wait to share it with you) (his wife) and you probably sucked the life out of his enjoyment of it. wait while i give you a standing ovation now. please… this is why women are looked at in the way we are looked at.

i think the humor is what the blogger missed. instead of getting a chuckle out of the situation with her husband that i find adorable it was kinda thought about in a greedy way. how dare he get recognized and i didn’t. i think i am the only woman that found the humor in the actual humorous part of it all. i get plenty of hugs in a day, thank you… and i thoroughly enjoy life. if this ever happened to my guy the first thing that would have come to my mind is “darn, i wish i was there to join in on the standing ovation with everyone, i wish i saw the fun and excited look on his face”. she missed a fun thing that happened for him and instead of thinking how sweet, funny and adorable she got online and turned it into herself… negatively. but you are right i’m probably the humorless one and unable to see the good stuff.

I wasn’t trying to be rude I just think it needed to be looked at from another angle. i’m sure you are down to earth and a super fun woman. take pride in your man. this is a fun thing, something i would love to hear my man tell me at the end of the day. enjoy the little things with him… that’s the legacy to leave him with about yourself.

He couldn’t even acknowledge the fact that he learned it all from you during his acceptance speech?!?! Oh man. This bums me out–as much as the comment I get when I am out with my four girls: “oh, your poor husband! All those girls.” You know it’s his FAULT right? I want to scream. “Steer clear in a few years,” they say. The man has it great! King of his domain–and loved by all. And you know what? I can whip out 4 bun heads before he could even say “bobby pin” so boo! I’m feeling you ladies!!!

YES!! I bet you could whip out those buns, Christine!! And the “your poor husband” when you are out with the girls…OH PLEASE!! What can you expect from people who don’t have a basic grasp of genetics! 😀

I have to admit I would have clapped also. I keep hearing from my Redneck Romeo “I don’t know how to do that… I’ll break it” And after 9 years, I am convinced that he is right. He either doesn’t know how or he would break it. So I am very impressed with you ability to train your man – sausage fingers and all – to do the bun for your little girl.

Hahahahahaha! Thanks, Dot! Don’t let the bun story fool you! My husband has pulled out the whole “I don’t know how to do laundry. I’d ruin it” thing more than once. We had many sessions before he realized it was futile to keep up that line of thinking. I am nothing if not persistent! 😀

This honestly makes me sad because it just proves how little society thinks Dad can do let alone should do with their kids. When a Dad is being a Dad it is huge because so many aren’t! Just really, really sad. And, yes, I wish someone would see me keeping my kids wrangled and acting polite and say, “Good job, Momma!” Would make my day. 🙂

Hear, hear. Of course I am useless with my own daughter’s hair. She prefers Daddy to brush because he’s gentle. He’s also not as thorough and has been known to break out the scissors to deal with an intractable knot.

I hate when moms say things like, “Yes, I can go to book club; my husband will watch the kids.” Like he’s doing her a favor, like a babysitter. He’s the FATHER. That’s his JOB. You never hear a dad say, “I can stay late for that meeting; my wife will watch the kids.” Ugh. You’ve got me all fired up now!

I think that last graphic pretty much sums up how I feel about that!! I’ve started a part time job at my church, so I have to go in before the rest of my family. Everyone thinks it is so sweet when my hubby walks in with our three girls and can’t believe he gets the dressed, etc. What about all the times I did it without any help from him????? Annoying.

OH NO THEY DI’INT!!!!
Great story! But, yeah–moms hardly get credit for the things we do every day until someone else steps in. It’s like the same joke just sounds “funnier” when a kid tells it. It’s all about the unexpected. I hope the baristas save you a latte for your mad teaching skillz! 🙂

Ok, so I am impressed with his bun skills considering I am incapable of doing hair. That being said it is annoying when men are recognized for doing parenting things the should and it also belittles them a bit. My pet peeve is when my husband is home with the kids and their behavior is so much better and cooperative for him.

That is tragic on so many levels. Your poor daughter must have been mortified that this attention was being given to her Dad. What would be the worst would be if someone put the entire show and response on youtube. Can you imagine?

Oh, Lucy LOVED it. She is like your little church boogier. Now if it had been BOBBY…get out of town. He used to cry when people sang “Happy Birthday” to him at his own birthday parties. He HATES being the center of attention.

This is so funny! I know, it totally sucks that your husband got a standing O and all. Life can be so unfair. I applaud you. I am standing and saluting you for the countless things you do on behalf of your family with no thanks at all. Good form on using this as a post!

Ugh. You are so right! This kind of thing pisses me off. Seriously. Every morning my husband gets up and “helps” me get the kids ready for school…basically he brushes the kid’s hair, feeds the dogs, makes himself some coffee, plays on his ipad and waits for me to make him some breakfast…All while I get myself ready for work, make my own coffee, keep everyone on the time schedule, pack lunches, fill water bottles, make breakfast, clean up from breakfast, make the kids brush their teeth, find their shoes and get out the door on time. And he’s always looking for a pat on the back for “helping” me out! ARGH.

How sad that people are so surprised by an involved father. I see it all the time! You should have seen the looks I got when I told people that Jack was home with his father for the first year and half of his life. As if people never heard of a stay-at-home DAD?! When we are out, I always make Eric change the diapers just to make a statement (luckily I have a partner who agrees with this statement) but not everyone in our family has the same division of responsibilities. And I am giving you a standing ovation right now for all of the mom stuff you’ve done (while sitting here on my computer, it’s a virtual ovation)!

I’m giving you a virtual ovation too, Angela!! I think it’s awesome that you both make that statement. As someone mentioned up thread, doing otherwise isn’t just annoying, it’s sending a horrible message to our boys and girls about parenting!

I can’t help but laugh since this didn’t happen to me (no offense, I’m on your side!), but I would have been pissed if it did happen to me. I went out with one of my friend’s the other day and told her to examine people that examine a parent and their kid. A mom and her child, a dad and his child. People view moms and children as “oh god, here comes trouble” and dads and their kids as “awwww how cute.”

I had more than enough examples to show her. And then we came across a dad and his baby and I even said aw. Damnit.

Let me start off by sharing I’m pretty impressed with the bun, but that is because I’m horrible with hair (just ask my daughter). I feel your pain Lisa, my husband is a great guy and parent. Somehow though moms don’t quite get the same recognition as when it comes from dear old dad 🙂 If I ever get to meet you I’ll buy you a latte at Starbucks and a salted caramel bar (my new fav)!

Oh gosh, this post hit home. THANK YOU for writing and for sharing. It’s the kind of thing I don’t want to piss me off, but really does. And P.S. I’m giving you a standing ovation from here right now. You rock always in my book!

Omigod, laughing so hard. Yes, yes, yes! I hear you, sisters! One of my friends jokes that every time her husband tells her that he did something (that she does 1000 times a day), she asks, “Yeah? Whaddaya want — a parade?” lol. Her husband would have LOVED a standing-O at Starbucks! Lisa, you told the story so funny! And I cracked up when Ashley said, “I am full of rage on your behalf.” Love you girls!

They were cheering because many dads (my husband included) would not even attempt to learn how to make a bun, much less master it, much less feel comfortable enough to do it in public. Whether or not they SHOULD is beside the point. He DID! Instead of getting irked that he got credit for something you do all the time, maybe you should take pride in the role you played to get him to not only agree to learn, but to do it well….the same way you would feel pride when your child masters tying his own shoes? After all, children are expected to learn how to do that, but that doesn’t make the fact that they DID learn any less of a reason to celebrate their success. So celebrate with him instead of being jealous…the same way he hopefully would celebrate with you when you get a standing ovation for changing a tire just like he showed you.

Oh, I don’t know, Valerie. I think whether or not dads should learn and be expected to perform basic parenting tasks kind of *is* the point. I really can’t revel in the fact that he agreed to learn how to do a bun. It really wasn’t optional. I am proud that I devised a way for him to do it with his sausage fingers! And on top of that, I’m right handed and he’s a lefty…so there was THAT to deal with as well.

Well like so many before me said, I have to say bravo to you both for doing a great bun! I also agree with most of the comments that totally get what you are saying. There are so many levels to this that I couldn’t do it justice in a comment. But, like someone else said, it’s sad that so many people downgrade dads to just part-time parenting status. And, at the same time downgrade what we as moms do every day. Love to you!!!

Bahahaha “he might’ve taken bow.” I totally get where you’re coming from… I mean, I see a guy at the grocery store solo with a kid and I think “Awwww!” I don’t think that when I seen them with a mom… we EXPECT to see them with a mom. Very weird indeed.

During our, ahem, adjustment-to-parenting phase, my husband totally got an earful from me for “checking to see if he could babysit that night”, like his calendar is so fucking full that he might not be able to BE A PARENT. Um, no. We got that straightened out right away.

Oh, Deb! Your comment make me HOWL with laughter. Between “like his schedule is so busy he doesn’t have time to be a parent” and “We got that straightened out right away” Bwahahahahaha. Oh, Lawd!! Tears are running down my face!! 😀

This (not the standing ovation) has happened often in this house. Like the time my husband was giving our then newborn son a bottle. You know, a bottle of breastmilk that I pumped from my own utters, put in the bottle and handed to him so that I could get a shower. His parents went on and on and on about what a good dad he was. It made me livid and also made me think of the people on The Maruy Povich show that say “I take care of my kid.” Ummm, yeah…that’s your freaking job.

Bwahahahaha. And what’s worse about the newborn situation is that you were totally sleep-deprived and hormonal to boot when you were having to deal with that double standard. Whew! I’m giving you a belated standing ovation for all the milk you’ve pumped, bottoms you’ve wiped, and baths you’ve given. You rock!!

THIS angers you?! It was a cute story, and your husband, once eager to share it with you, is now probably mortified thanks to this blog. And to the women who have here lamented that their husbands empty the dishwasher once a year, if that is actually true then you chose poorly when you got married and you should divorce those lazy freeloaders as soon as possible. love cannot flourish when it is given to such awful men as you describe. Not only should society NOT applaud their apparently rare efforts to parent, they should not be parents if their efforts are that rare. I am lucky, though, none of the husbands with who I am friends are that lazy. For the elderly couple who applauded, they are likely from a time when men were not likely to ever tie a bun.
Bottom line is this is either a fake issue or most of you have incorrigibly bad husbands and need to tell them how awful they are.

Well I guess you set us straight, Grantley. All 70+ women from all over the world who have commented are just plain wrong…OR…maybe we might have a point about the parenting double standard. Just a thought.

And I thought my Husband was good just for attempting to do a braid, and getting the 4 year old’s hair in a ponytail most mornings. I don’t think he could make a bun like that. (Okay, in all honesty…even I couldn’t get my daughter’s hair to look that good) You both are champions in my book! Though I do think that a standing ovation is a bit much….

My husband can’t braid at all, Leslie! I’ve never taught him that, and it would confound him. It’s the sausage fingers. They are not nimble. If your husband can braid and do a ponytail, he’d master the bun in about 5 minutes. I just know it!

I’m sorry, but I don’t understand how this irked you. Your husband came to you proud about a reaction he received at Starbucks–and sure, the standing ovation was a little over the top– but to basically knock him down on your blog? What ever happened to being proud of your husband instead of feeling jealous? Or appreciating the small things? Time for a reality check; nowadays women aren’t the sole “caregivers” in a family anymore. And if you fully believe that you aren’t getting the credit that you deserve for parenting, keep this in mind: 1) you CHOSE to have children. Like it or not you’re going to be busy. 2) at least your husband is helping out–just remember how he got there. He didn’t know how to tie a bun but you taught him. He deserves the credit. And if this is the only thing he does to help out around the house then you picked a pathetic husband.

It irks because, as you said, women aren’t the sole caregivers in a two parent family. It shouldn’t be remarkable for a dad…to be a dad. This is going to include basic parenting tasks and skills. It’s not a miracle or event.

And I know this might confound you, but my husband wasn’t “helping me out” as you suggest. He wasn’t doing me any favors. He was just parenting…like a parent does. (And it might *really* surprise you to know I don’t consider him performing household chores like washing dishes as “helping me” either. They are as much his dishes as mine. I didn’t get some special dish training in medical school making that my responsibility for life. For real.)

I really didn’t knock my husband down on the blog…at least not in this post! You’re the one who intimated that he just might be pathetic. Harsh, Michelle 🙁 😀

My husband would have been offended if this happened to him. He is a stay at home dad for our three kids. There have been countless times when he is out with all three (9yo, 2yo and 10mo) and someone will make a comment about “babysitting” or””wow, you have your hands full” and my absolute fave “awh, you’re giving mom a break.” His response is usually, no, I’m a stay at home dad and this is just a typical day for us. Mom works outside the home and she gives me a break every so often. The reactions are priceless.

This whole entry and the comments riddled with hyperbole and histrionics (was that one commenter really “floored?”) read like an effort be reposted on Upworthy. If this actually caused you ladies pain, maybe you should go help out at a soup kitchen or find a way to sponsor a shelter of some kind. You know, for people with actual pain and real problems. I had hoped this was a bit dramatic hilarity, but it seems as though this is a delicate group with easily triggered rage. I had to hide my best friend from her husband because his idea of marriage was basically a license to abduct her children, blacken her eyes, break her fingers, and swing her tiny body by the feet so as to bash her head against the wall. She managed to escape and move on with her life.
She was tougher than this entire thread.

Oh, Grantley. What am I going to do with you? This entire blog is riddled with hyperbole and histrionics. It’s our specialty! I think we are all on board for some dramatic hilarity, but maybe we *are* just easily triggered rage-a-holics. It’s a toss up.

I’m also pretty sure that we can complain about something that irritates us *AND* still volunteer at a soup kitchen. We’re women. We’re good at multitasking.

If you came home with a funny story like this and your husband blogged about how, after a bit of reflection, he resented the attention you got for accomplishing a fairly standard male oriented task, would that strengthen your love for him? Try not to be flippant about your answer. Would you be more or less inclined to share such little vignettes with him in the future?

It would not change my love for him, or the way in which I share my day with him—because if he would only express that sentiment in a way that was funny and entertaining to me. (That’s just how we roll. We’ve been married for 20 years)

WHEW!! I did it!!!!! I’m so proud of myself!!! You have no idea the Herculean effort it took for me to not be flippant, Grantley. I hope you appreciate this!!

You’re right, that doesn’t seem fair. In a different perspective… I don’t have my own kids yet, but I definitely plan to. I have no hairdoing skills at all. I did master braids and pigtails when I was a nanny, but even those were usually pretty crooked! So does that mean, when I do have kids and my little girls don’t have perfect hairdos, people will see me as a bad mother? Or say, “Oh, did Daddy do her hair today?”

There is no reason at all to fret!! Anything you need to learn about any hairstyle is on YouTube. The tutorials are fantastic. (Or if you have a daughter and it’s just too much to figure out…just keep her hair cut in a medium length bob…and your problem is solved!! Woot!)

Well I am impressed your husband can put together a bun. I can barely do anything like that. But it is kind of crazy we give them accolades for doing what we do all day long. My husband is very engaged and does a ton of stuff for our kids, but I can’t tell you how many times he’s let the kids pack their own bags and the boys brought no underwear or toothbrush. Ugh. They remember now, thank goodness.

This made me laugh so hard. One year I was social chair at our elementary school. #4 was a baby and #3 was 2 years old…so I planned and ran the social events that year while pushing them around in a double stroller (or attempting to keep the 2 year old in the stroller I should say!). The next year my husband took #1 and #2 (who were 7 and 10 at the time) to Bingo night at school once…and I had no less than 15 moms say something to me about what a saint he was. Ummmm, he was sitting at a table watching them play bingo. The toughest thing about that is making sure they don’t “dob” their face with the bingo marker. 😀 I was the one home running after a 1 and 3 year old. Hello people??? (I think this post is hilarious and I’m sorry you are dealing with some commenters who don’t have a sense of humor.)

“The hardest part is keeping them from dobbing their own faces” Bwahahahaha.

That was so unfair! You are planning and running entire events while hauling a double stroller and it’s occupents all over like a volunteering goddess but one Bingo night and your husband is the saint. Sheesh! 😀

I gotta admit, he did do a good job on the bun. I would’ve gave up on it a long time ago. On the other hand, you’re right. Dads seem to get all the accolades when they do something with or for their kids.

OMG! I would have to say that I’d be so ticked off! It’s amazing what men get credit for that we do all day long. And then to top it off when we do “men’s work” nobody claps for us. I mow the lawn all the time and no one is coming over and clapping for me. Maybe he needs a shirt that says “my wife can do this better”. People will be afraid to clap because they’ll have no clue what that’s supposed to mean.

When I first read this post, I could kind of see your point about double standards. I mean, we see them everywhere else-of course, that would probably also apply to parenting. So I shared your post and asked my friends what they thought. Here was one of the responses:

“would women feel the same way if they were helping their son work on his dirt bike by changing the oils, spark plugs, re wrapping grips and loading the bike in a truck to take him to the track to practice for a race? and everyone clapped and commented about what a cool mom she is for getting her hands dirty helping her son……. there is always going to be a double standard for everything since people want to put labels on what they think a certain group should or shouldn’t do. there is enough disagreement in the world that we shouldn’t be fueling it in our own family”

And it really made sense. If we were doing something that wasn’t considered a “mom” thing, I bet people would have had a similar reaction to it. It is a bit of a double standard, because there are stereotypes, but there’s no real way around that.

I get what you’re saying about sharing parenting responsibilities and he’s not doing you any favors because he should be doing it anyway, but I also see why people would want to reinforce his behavior with positivity. I wouldn’t have been mad.

I totally agree. Everyone who agrees with the author needs to get their heads out of their asses. As a father, I understand why they clapped. Sometimes my wife shovels snow and everyone on our block gives her big props when she is finished (she will do our neighbors too – but so do I when I’m doing it). I don’t get any accolades when I do it, but I don’t care b/c I understand how people behave. Getting mad over this sort of behavior is something a ten year old does. Grow up.

I started reading this in the bank line on my cell phone, and am just now getting the chance to get back to it because I was to busy being “mom and wife.” However, I’m laughing my tail end off. He should have said, the credit goes to my wife for teaching it to me. (Of course, he may have, but didn’t mention that detail.)
Your quote is so true, and it annoys the tar out of me when men say they are babysitting their kids! Yet, many men seem to classify it as that.

I’m a little late to the party, but it’s not that dad was parenting that got him applause, it was that he was doing something so girly: fixing hair. The last dad who got raves for doing his girl’s hair used a vacuum to pony it. (Remember that guy?) What a mom needs to do to get the same attention is something totally male, like teach a boy how to tackle or fix a flat.

I KNOW exactly what you mean. This year the DH has been able to take the kids to some of their gymnastics classes. It’s great and gives me an hour or so at home that I can get something else done. After all, I’ve done this for like 3 straight years so it’s great that he can go too and read a book .. uhmm watch them practice. But when I returned after a few weeks break everyone was all “Oh it was so nice that your husband was bringing the kids.” Well duh isn’t that sort of in the job description? They are his kids too. And no, neither one of us can do a bun so I really need to know your technique.

Bwahahahahahaha. You’ve done it for 3 years…meh…but a dad comes once and it’s ticker tape parade time! SHEESH! I could have you bun-ready in about 5 minutes, Lisa! YouTube has all the tutorials you could ever need!! 😀

OK – ha! first, there is nothing else I can add that hasn’t already been said. Loved the post and I agree that dads are praised for things just because they are dads. But I’m going to spin off this subject and go to the next level. “Daddy Bloggers.” Why is it that daddy bloggers are noticed and praised all the time? They definitely have the upper hand on popularity just because they’re dads and are blogging about it.

I guess I missed the part about why it should be so upsetting to you. You said yourself that he doesn’t have much hair or much experience in doing buns. You taught him, he learned and he perfected it. It’s not a typical male feat to accomplish. Tables turned – you’ve never changed your own oil. In general, it’s not a female task (though I am able to, but a man taught me). You change your own oil in public and a crowd applauds you. Are you going to be pissed at them, or appreciate that they acknowledged that you mastered a skill that most women don’t have?

so maybe people just thought since your man is a man he wouldn’t be the kind of guy to do an unmanly task; like a hair bun. therefore good for your husband for doing the unexpected for his gender. and horray for him getting a standing ovation for it. i guess you wont be seeing one coming your way since you wont step outside of the box.

i guess i am, if you want the standing ovation. i would think that anyone might want to step away from society’s norms in any way possible as much as possible. maybe i’m crazy… you’re a tough cookie though. you come back with a large slap of sarcasm.

A standing ovation? Well I am glad your husband achieved such bun-tactic splendor and I guess given their age, it would not be something a dad would have been able to do. If I am wishing for things, its that moms got more standing ovations when we do things right and less evil eyes and unsolicited advice. I have gotten more unsolicited advice than I bargained for today. Maybe you should just let your hubby perform more PDB (public displays of bun-making) if it brings others such joy, maybe it’ll score you a free Starbucks and one less thing for you to do. 🙂

My ex was a great at co-parenting when it came to activities. And he ALWAYS got tons of props for it from the moms. Yeah, next time I see a mom putting in a bun at Starbucks, I am giving her a standing O for sure!

I am white. I guess I’m middle class, and I have never been to war. I suppose I don’t have the right to feel irritated by anything. That’s going to be tough, but okay….HOWEVER…
when you insult STARBUCKS, you’ve gone too far, John!!!!!

It’s so funny you included that card at the end, because reading this reminded me of a few weeks ago when I had asked Sam to watch Eve for the day and he later said something about babysitting her. Dude, it’s not called babysitting when you’re watching your own daughter. But in all seriousness, what a crazy story. It is nuts that dads get a pat on the back for the things moms are expected to do. Though I did read an article recently about this dichotomy between what each do and the inability of men to multitask….basically, their brains aren’t wired to do it, according to this article.

On a complete aside, your husband (and I’m assuming you as well, Lisa, since you are the grand master) have INCREDIBLE bun-making skill!

As a dad I have to say the amount of these types of stories are getting out of hand. I have yet to see one dad complain about getting in trouble because his daughter got dirty when he was teaching her how to clean the carburetor on the lawn mower or a mom story about getting praise for teaching her son how to throw a spiral. I admit there is a double standard but there are many things that dads and men could gripe about and that women and moms could praise but those are obscure at best. C’mon let your husband bask in glory and then bring your daughter to welding class. The men there will pat you on the back for exposing your daughter to it and for breaking down gender stereotypes too. Maybe a standing O after she masters the arc welder.

THANK GOD he doesn’t have an arc welder…but his dad does. I hope this doesn’t give him any ideas. …but… he *did* teach her how to use the drill and how to hang new bathroom fixtures the other weekend. That’s our speed given our huge insurance deductible.

Good for him, but that is standard issue dad stuff for which he deserves no extra praise…My point was if YOU:) took her welding class, or some other traditionally male milieu than you might be surprised by how much the men would think that was awesome. If dad does it it’s just something he should be doing. Bringing your daughter to do traditionally guy stuff is no big deal anymore, and that is progress! But Mom’s and daughters breaking into that space together, that’s like sighting a snowy owl in panama. My point is that I hear a lot of criticism about how society pats dad’s on the back for doing things that they didn’t used to do and that mom’s do all the time. It’s a valid criticism, but I don’t see a lot of discussion about Mom’s breaking down the barriers in the other direction unless its about leaning in to corporate life. If kids are really going to believe in gender equality in than they need to see Mom’s chipping the ice off the windshield in the morning, fixing the sink, learning a trade etc., etc AND dad’s doing buns, cooking and cleaning. Many mom’s do do that stuff around the house but few learn how to use and table saw and then teach there sons and daughters how not to lose a finger. The social discourse on this issue is one dimensional to the extreme in this very involved dad’s opinion. Now I have to get back to work because I’m taking a half day so my wife can go to a yoga/hiking retreat in Maine while I take care of our kid solo for the weekend. Should we talk about how often Mom’s encourage there husbands to go away for fishing trips with there buddies? Nobody is giving me a pat on the back for that, I promise.

Perhaps you should just let it go dude. Apparently this isn’t the worst thing she has written about her husband. She said that in a reply to a comment of mine earlier. It seems her husband is completely fine with being the butt of her blog’s humor from time to time. And be careful because apparently you are genetically unable to do more than one thing at once. I raised two kids on my own after my wife decided in 2002 she just was too tired be married…or have the kids with her. Despite being a male capable of doing only one thing at a time, my 21 year old daughter teaches kung fu and works on the side doing graphic design and my 18 year old son is a thriving classical pianist and is now learning kung fu from his sister. It is simply amazing that they didn’t end up dead, being raised by father. Fortunately, I got married again four years back and my stepson and 2 and half year old son are safe from my male ineptitude. And here’s the worst part, my new wife is actually grateful for all that I do. Not as grateful as I am to her for all she does (because she saw past the exhausted disaster I was when we met – child support, etc.), but she is very, VERY grateful, and she has the bad taste to tell other people about her gratitude.

I *knew* it, Grantley! We are on the same side after all! See!! You basically raised your two kids all on your own…and they sound like successful and wonderful adults. You should be offended that people consider it a miracle if dads make it an hour in the presence of their own kids! Dads are capable parents!!

I feel so good to know we’re having a kumbaya moment. You should consider email subscribing to the blog. There’s a little box in the sidebar up by the top. That way you won’t miss a single blog entry. Oh, go on…you know you want to! We could have these little chats every day if you did! 🙂

Tired Dad….I know lots of women who are the ones who fix the faucets, are in charge of the lawns, and who make the majority of the family money/have more “high powered” careers than their mate. *shrug*

Every woman I know fairly well is happy to break down stereotypes about what is “woman’s work”. Really!

Girlfriend, a pony would get you kicked right out of class. I’m not kidding. They are STRICT! Then she’s be crying and all forlorn…and he’d be begging you to teach him. No dad wants to be the cause of his baby’s tears! He’d be on YouTube taking down notes in seconds flat!

Have to admit I was not a fan of your reaction. I understand the frustration with how society views gender roles but why does your frustration have to supersede someone’s praise? Since you’re a mom I know you are used to putting others above yourself. So why not put your husbands pride in his accomplishments above your frustration and go and thank him for being a great dad and husband? You may be surprised at the praise you receive when you praise others.

I was all set to start praising my husband as you suggest, but before I did, I asked him if he considers his bun making an accomplishment that fills him with pride. (Just so I’m not wasting my time over here. It’s Saturday. I have toilets to clean, you know). He does NOT. BUT…he can also do a salon-level, gorgeous blow out of my daughter’s hair. He *is* really proud of that. I went to work praising, and he seems very happy. I think if I say one more nice thing, he might just offer to clean the bathrooms for me. You are right. This praising thing is FANTASTIC! Why did I never think to do this before?! 😀

A parent does not parent for praise, least of all from strangers in coffee shops. A man who ties buns for his daughter is an exceptional man an father. No surprise strangers might find this exceptional, and perhaps more routine for a mother.

I suggest to you and your female commenters that, while you think this is just routine parenting, this is truly exceptional fatherhood. You’ve got a man who humbles himself enough to publicly tie perfect buns for his daughter, with the utmost respect to your tutelage.

Many fathers, even excellent ones like the one in the article that I’ve posted above, are not at versed at buns.

I’m reading your piece and I am impressed by the fatherhood that your husband has shown. It’s not routine. It’s exceptional. He’s a man, a father. Not a woman.

I’m also laughing at the strangers applauding and whistling and giving standing O’s…haha. How awkward. But, hey, deserved. Why not? I’m sure your husband didn’t venture to garner such public praise…if he even wanted to be tying buns in the first place. He didn’t do this for the attention, I promise you that.

…But, gee, your daughter found it amusing. 8)

You seem to have been irked by the entire thing. Hehe, that’s kinda funny too, but somewhat understandable I suppose, all things considered.

All above said, and all rants considered, I hope you can and do see the exceptional fatherhood that has been conveyed above. It’s not typical, nor some run-of-the-mill thing. It’s truly exceptional.

As disturbed as you were by all of this, I hope you do see at least some level of exceptional fatherhood here…not to mention husband-hood.

After all, he did this for his daughter. He did this for you. For YOU!

Okay…I love your reply. I cannot find fault with one statement. EXCEPTIONAL comment! (You’ve got to promise to keep all of this between us, Ryan, because it would ruin my reputation)
My husband is a VERY exceptional father. I wish his fathering really was the norm, because the world would be better off. He’s awesome. Truly. It’s not just because of the bun, but it’s the other thousands of ways he is present in our children’s lives. He’s also, as it happens, a fantastic husband–it’s those same qualities.

Now I’m off to read your experience as a dance dad. Gotta love a dance dad!

(And now I have to pray that my husband doesn’t read this reply because there will be no living with him. I may have to create a new honey-do list to keep him busy and away from the computer just to hedge my bets…)

If I may, I’d love to give a different perspective on this double standard, if you don’t mind, speaking as a stay-at-home dad. (Two boys — so no bun-making skills except if you mean dinner rolls — who are 3 and 5; been a SAHD for 4 years and change.)

You’re absolutely right that there is still, in general, a very low bar set by society for what a guy needs to do to be congratulated as Super Dad. I actually think most modern dads expect far more of themselves, but it’s ridiculous, at times, how little it takes for someone to praise a dad. And conversely, as I’m sure you’re aware, the bar set to be Super Mom is stupidly, stupidly high. This isn’t news. You are also almost certainly aware that that stupid bar for Super Mom is set and maintained by moms themselves, parenting books and magazines, and Pinterest. It shouldn’t be so high (not that any of us are doing this for the accolades). And you all know it, which is why every blog post about not punishing yourself for being an imperfect parent or how only wine gets mommy through the day goes viral.

That said, I think you are overlooking the real problem here, particularly if you’re looking at it wearing blinders to the VAST amount of praise moms get for what they do. For example, have you not seen the multi-billion dollar worldwide “P&G Proud Sponsor of Moms”/”Thank you, Mom.” campaign that is EVERYWHERE right now, and completely ignores that fathers exist? This is at least the third Olympics in a row they have been doing that. Did you not pay attention to any of the last election, where both candidates fell all over themselves trying to win over moms? Have you never noticed the huge difference in how Mother’s Day is celebrated compared to Father’s Day?

The sad fact is, in most of our culture “mom” is used as a synonym for “parent” and “dad” is a — perhaps well-meaning and well-loved! — footnote. A secondary parent. A helper. A “babysitter,” as you rightly point out is still way too often used to describe a dad with his own kids. I see you know this, but you don’t seem to realize that this isn’t some lucky break for dads, that lets us off the hook. Maybe for the dad who is disengaged and absent, sure. But for those of us trying to raise the bar? It’s AWFUL.

Try being a dad looking for a local weekday playgroup and being rejected because his XY chromosomes make the chances he’s a predator too great to let him in. Try being a dad who takes his kids to the park or the mall and has police or security called because a man hanging around small children is suspicious. Try being the dad who wants to arrange doctor visits or communicate with his kids’ school, only to have them constantly call his wife instead. Try being a dad who wants his kids to have playdates with his preschool friends but the moms don’t want a dad to come over (or watching their kid). Try being a dad who is stepping up in a big way with laundry and cooking and dishes to make household chores shared as evenly as possible, but is still expected to handle all the small repairs, shoveling, lawn care, car upkeep, etc. because they are the man’s job.

Or… try being a guy who, after publicly displaying total competence in doing his daughter’s hair up into a bun, gets a condescending standing ovation, like he was 3 years old and just pooped on the potty all by himself. I mean, it could be worse, maybe he does that and it goes the other way: He’s told by friends or family or even strangers that he’s been whipped, emasculated, feminized, and that no Real Man would ever let themselves be seen doing something like that. It’s been known to happen.

Just food for thought. Your husband sounds awesome. So rather than being (even jokingly) pissed of at him for trying to accept what was almost certainly condescending praise with good grace, be pissed off at the people still perpetrating the idea that he’s rare or exceptional for being such an involved dad. And then do something to change it that isn’t based on moms not getting ENOUGH praise.

There IS a double-standard, but it’s not one that is actually in the favor of dads who would like to be recognized as an equal parenting partner.

I’m a dad, and – surprisingly – I actually completely understand why you felt that way. I would have felt similarly in your shoes. That being said, I agree with Kate; it’s not your husband’s ‘fault’, so why not just let him enjoy it and move on? Every parent would welcome more appreciation for the work we do – and, yes, that includes getting a bonus or a raise for the hard work we do at the office. There are never ovations for changing toilets, or hanging fixtures, or scraping a roomful of stucco. There are also never ovations for cooking, cleaning, laundry, volunteering at school, holding your child’s hand for two days in a hospital, etc. In my opinion, what matters is how supportive are we when our fellow parent DOES receive accolades for whatever reason. We all deserve more pats on the back than we get – even from each other.
I was just talking with my wife; she recounted how, when she went out with the girls the other night, they chatted up the waiter…and the manager ended up bringing the table free drinks. How many times has that happened to me after chatting up a waiter or waitress? Never, ’cause I’m a guy, and the perception is that when guys chat up waitress, the staff should be weary, because it’s considered overt flirting (that assumption is made by wives, as well).
Anyhoo, I’m getting off topic. All this to say: a biased reaction? Absolutely. But let him enjoy it.

I was about to leave a long winded reply with many different points until I read Chris Routleys response. He nailed it. *SLOW HANDCLAP*

Just the other day I took my son (I am a SAHD as well) to a local bookstore that has a section set up for kids to play in. There were a group of mothers there and the second I approached conversation was muted. Mothers held their kids closer and would’nt let them go near the man.

Also I was told, oh you can go down in the coffee shop and surf the web we can watch your son for you.. I didn’t want that.

I know if it were me who put daughters hair up in a bun and I had that kind of reaction I would incredibly embarrassed. I already feel marginalized by people because I stay hope, often asked if I am looking for a job, having people post job postings on my fb wall and email them to me etc.

I know you are well intentioned but just for a minute see it it on our side. The engaged father side 🙂

Aw, Justin…that’s terrible!! (both for the crappy moms at the book store and the “helpful” friends emailing you job info.) What in the WORLD?! My kids are out of the playgroup age now, but me and my crew would have welcomed a stay at home dad to our shindigs. For reals!

This whole embellished rage / fabricated rant does little to make you all sound reasonable.

Nope. Guys don’t need parades when we parent. Yes. It bugs us too when people point out that we are heroes when we do reasonable parenting.

Screwing it all up into a ball of faux rage click bait to fire up the charges in the mommy wars perhaps is playing to your base but it just makes you look like stereotypical sad angry mom bloggers just like the coffee shop crowd’s applause plays to lowest common denominator stereotypes.

Ditto to Chris Routlly’s comments and all the other dads. What is it with these women. On one hand they complain their husbands are inept at parenting (by their definition and standards). On the other hand they get upset when he actually does parent correctly – even when a man meets a mom’s standards as this article demonstrates. I think these women have an issue with the realization that a man can parent just as good if not better than a woman. Wake up ladies to this “dose of reality!” Stop widening the parenting/gender gap and start bridging it. Parenting is not a competition. Parenting is about team work!

As far as long commentary goes, I also defer to Chris Routly’s post above. He said it all and probably far better than I would. I am an at-home Dad with an 8 month old girl. My wife works 60-70 hours per week while I have our little girl. I have not been given any standing ovations, but been excluded from playgroup or parent (aka Mom only) groups plenty of times. I receive little public praise for what I do. At least once a week someone tells me how nice it is that “I am spending a little time” with our child though. It is embarrassing. My biggest point is this: Let’s look at parenting as a partnership or teamwork, not a competition. It shouldn’t be about who does something best or gets the most praise for it, it should be about the job being done together. I am sorry you feel like you do not get enough public praise. Hopefully you will get your standing ovation soon. But if you want to be mad, be mad at the people in Starbucks who don’t understand modern parenting, not your husband for being a good Dad.

But…but…but….that *IS* who I was mad at, Mark!! (the people and my favorite barista for the wolf whistle, but I can’t stay mad and him if I want to make sure he doesn’t slip whole milk in my skinny latte)

How are our actions uniting humankind, starting with our very households?

Fundamentally, we have only two choices in this life at any given moment, to unite or to conflict. It think it’s apparent what the better long run choice is, for the sake of world betterment.

It may be better to preach to the choir, for sake of attention, spectacle, impressions, to widen the gap for sake of catering to the incumbent groupthink. But, that would not presumably bring about a better world for us all.

I’m sorry for all the dad / man bashing on this thread but it’s great to see dads sticking up for themselves. Society is content to perpetuate the idea that men are clueless idiots when it comes to parenting; what your story shows is that men, like women, learn parenting by DOING PARENTING. With the exception having the anatomy to carry and nurse a baby, everything I know about parenting I learned on the job. I wasn’t born better at it than my husband. Dads deserve the same time and opportunity to learn how to care for their children, but society keeps telling them they are only worth the money they can bring home. Men are asked to walk a very narrow path in this life; your husband deserved that ovation because he dared to do an “unmanly” job in public, and risk ridicule. Do women want to keep “being expected to do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning”, etc. as one mom commented above? The way to ensure we keep that lousy, unpaid job forever is to demean men when they attempt it.

I’m happy that my husband *doesn’t* consider parenting (even if it involves our daughter and hair) unmanly or risking ridicule. But honestly, he’s kind of a 6′ 4″ giant . Most people wouldn’t risk ridiculing him in public anyway. 🙂

I found your post through the #SITS Twitter discussion on Saturday mornings. I see the humor in your story, and I think, whether intentionally or not, you brought up some really interesting points about our society. (And so did your readers with their comments–ha!)

My comment is from the perspective of a motherless daughter. When I was studying ballet, I only had my father to help me. Now, he could not fix my crazy thick wavy hair into any semblance of a bun—even I have trouble with that now–but he did have to take me bra shopping, to buy my leotards and dance shoes, to wait backstage with a lot of “moms.” There were many “girly” things he had to do in public because there wasn’t really another choice.

If I was in the Starbucks that afternoon, I would have applauded too, because in that particular scene, I wouldn’t have known whether your husband was a single dad just trying to get through the day or a husband whose wife was REALLY good at teaching him how to style a bun.

I didn’t intend to make such a serious comment. My mind just wandered there! 🙂

I am another Stay At Home Dad/Parent and I agree with what my friend Chris Routly and the other Stay At Home Dad/Parents that have responded. I would like to additionally point out a couple of other things that I am not sure have been mentioned previously by Chris or the other dads.

The United States Census states in numerous reports that, “Mothers are the Primary Care Givers and if the mother is not at home leaving the father to care for the children then, the father is babysitting.” I do not know about the rest of you however, that one thought by the United States Census should infuriate everyone as Dads Do Not Babysit, we parent our children, just like our wives do. The United States Department of Labor struggles with Stay At Home Dads more than Stay At Home Moms because as the United States Department of Labor does not know how to classify Stay At Home Dads. Why then do outsiders continue to make such a fuss over a minor accomplishment (if that is even the right terminology) that an involved father achieves? Because that is what American Society has been taught and made to believe in that dads are not able to learn to co-parent their children (in this case daughter) from their wives and vise versa. The sooner everyone re-learns that dads do parent and are able to doing things just like moms, only in a different way, the better off we will all be.

Think about this way as well, would you rather your husband be recognized for being an involved dad or would you prefer that he be uninvolved with his children’s lives? Do mothers who are Stay At Home Moms deserve praise and gratitude for being their for their children? Most definitely they do, as well as moms in general deserve recognition for being involved with their children. Did your husband deserve a standing ovation for taking care of your daughter’s hair prior to her ballet class? Maybe he did in the eyes of the people who were watching. A friend of yours mentions that your daughter pitches some sort of a fit when you put her hair in a bun because you may be a little rough on the process in your daughter’s view. Maybe your daughter was making things challenging for your husband to complete the task of putting her hair up. The other factor is that these people all keep our great country back as much as we have progressed forward. I know for me that it is hard to help my daughter when it comes to fixing her hair for the day, a sporting practice she is going to attend or especially picking out her clothes for the day. My wife feels that I am challenged when it comes to fashion.

I do not know if this whole post was truthfully in jest or that you are that upset by what happened. If it is in jest, I have egg on my face for not realizing it was in jest. If you are this upset by what happened at Starbucks, remember one thing, your husband may have been feeling both accomplished and embarrassed by what happened. I know I get frustrated with people when I am out with my twins by myself and they tell me that “Boy, you have your hands full” or I get the silent treatment because I am invading the Moms world. Why is it that our country has to separate men and women or anyone for that matter when we claim to be so evolved. Reactions or actions like your blog in my personal opinion only sets our nation back as a whole and does not help to unite us.

Here is to your husband for learning something from a great teacher (his wife) about how to put his daughter’s hair into a bun. Here is to you for taking the time to teach your husband how to go through the process of putting your daughter’s hair into a bun so that he is able to be the best dad he is able to be for your children. May we all be able to teach and learn from each other every day so that we all may be as evolved as we claim to be. Acceptance of one another with all our difference will help us to be and stay strong.

This comment is the first time that the US Census Bureau has been used to back up a comment on this blog. My inner nerd totally geeked out when I saw that!! Well done! Nobody else has ever gone to that level!

Except for a handful of posts that we put in our “Seriously Speaking” category, we try to keep things light around here, Robb. We mostly try to make people laugh a little. (when we’re not too busy being hideously horrible wives who are sucking the happiness out of our husbands lives and seeking to demean them, of course) 😀

But since you put in the time and effort (and even backed up your statements with official government documents!), I’m going to answer you seriously. You’ve earned it (and my respect!) Here goes:

I am flabbergasted (and more than a little irked) that stay at home dads are officially as babysitters by the US Government. WHAT?! Ugh.

I don’t blame you a bit for being frustrated when well-intentioned strangers comment how impressed they are you are capable of spending the day with your twins. Society devalues fathers in the parenting arena. They’re not doofus idiots. They’re parents fully capable of the job.

I think I know why this happened. You said the couple who started the applause was elderly. That’s it right there! In their generation, dads never did hair, or carpool, or even knew they had children for that matter. A couple of 20 somethings or 30 somethings or even 40 somethings would never have thought twice…I’d like to think anyway:)
Of course, if my 40 something husband cooks dinner, he expects a band to play.

I am totally annoyed in your behalf as well. Seriously. I have checked the oil, tire pressure, water levels, transmission fluid, and fixed whatever needed fixing while standing at the very public gas station in full view of many spectators. You would think that since this is out of my presumed realm of expertise I would get some praise. Nothing. Not once.

So here’s your praise: WAY TO GO, ACTUALLY SUCCESSFULLY TEACHING A MAN TO DO A WONDERFUL BUN! YOU ROCK! YOU SHOULD BE ON TV AND REALLY NOT HAVE TO WORK BUT JUST BE PAID FOR BEING SO AMAZING! AND, WOW, YOU ARE SO COOL FOR ALWAYS BEING THERE WHEN YOUR HUSBAND OR KIDS HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO SOLVE SIMPLE PROBLEMS! AND FOR BEING ABLE TO FIND EVERYTHING THAT WAS IN PLAIN SIGHT FOR THEM AS THEY SEARCHED FOR FIFTEEN MINUTES! AND, THE MOST IMPRESSIVE OF ALL, KUDOS TO YOU FOR NOT KILLING ANYONE, EVER, EVEN WHEN THEY STEAL YOUR SECRET CHOCOLATE STASH OR RUIN THE SEASON FINALE OF YOUR FAVORITE SHOW THAT YOU RECORDED SO YOU COULD WATCH LATER BY REVEALING THE ENDING! YOU ARE SERIOUSLY SO IMPRESSIVE! I AM GRACED TO HAVE HAD JUST THIS SMALL CONNECTION TO YOUR LIFE! I AM SO MUCH BETTER BECAUSE OF YOU! YOU HAVE TOTALLY CHANGED THE WORLD!

Hi, frustrating story. My partner was always engaged with parenting when our boy was growing up. Others would think it was special the things he did however it was just normal in our family we shared responsibilities parenting. Perhaps it is that others still do not share this role. It’s disappointing society is not advancing. Fran @www.travelgenee.com via the sits blog hop.

that is so funny, but i gotta partake in this standing ovation because most men wouldn’t event attempt to put their daughter’s hair in a bun. the fact that your husband not only wanted to learn, but MASTERED it, is huge! such a great story. that’s something that ought to have been caught on video!

my husband and i talk about this sh*t all the time. He laughs becasue whenever he takes them out people will stop him and tell him how amazeballs he is or will take one of the kids off his hands to “help him out.” i’m like, “Uh… hello. I do this shit DAILY.” Where’s my fucking latte.

Hey Mom, teach your son to throw a perfect curve-ball, and I’ll give YOU a standing ovation…

The fact of the matter is that North American society (for better or for worse) has given different roles to different genders. Getting all perturbed by that won’t help the situation. Praising those who defy these trends will.

So, I think it’s awesome that you’re a great mother. I think it’s just as awesome that your wonderful husband can make his sweet little girl happy and step up his role as a father.

Be lucky that your daughter HAS a father who is there for her and cares about her. I never had that. My biological father… tried to sell my brother for drugs. If that tells you anything.

Let your husband have his shinning moment. Be proud that you are a good parent, because being a mother is not only the hardest job in the world, but also the only job you NEVER get recognition for.

The day I moved out of the house and the real world hit me in the face, was the day I realized how strong my mother was for me and my brother growing up. I text her just about everyday to tell her I love her.

That will be the recognition you receive, in the future, and hopefully it will all be worth it.