I was taken aback when Mr. Fancy Schmancy shouted "A pox on both your houses!" as I was unaware that he knew of my summer home. Founding member of the Hogtown Irregulars, and former indentured short order cook still on the run. Professional Zamboni racer and bronze medal recipient in the 2010 All-Miami Outdoor Zamboni Championships.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

* Attack their harbors with land, sea and air power. Kill pirates, sink their vessels (including those dual-use fishing boats) and wreck their support infrastructure. The clans behind the pirates must feel sufficient pain to rein in their young thugs. The price for piracy should be stunning.

And we don't need to stay to rebuild Somalia. End the fix-it fetish now. We need to leave while their boats are still burning down to the waterline.

* Congress must forbid any shipping company or maritime insurer that pays pirates a ransom from doing business in American ports.

Our cargo trade is the most lucrative in the world. Force shippers to choose between us and the pirates. In the short term, it may make life uncomfortable for a few foreign crews. In the long term, a hard line will save money and lives.

Surely, if Congress can sanction those who do business with North Korea or Iran, we can punish those who fund pirates with millions of dollars in US currency.

* Train and arm crews. This would help somewhat, but we need to have realistic expectations. An armed crew can deter or defeat amateurs of the sort who attacked the Maersk Alabama last week. But skilled pirates will simply upgrade to rocket-propelled grenades, heavy machine-guns and other weapons that can do severe damage to ships and create carnage.

We can't fix this problem on the cheap by giving merchant sailors a few shotguns and rifles -- although they need such arms for self-defense. Again, this is a military problem. Piracy always was. We're not exceptions to history.

We could shatter these bands of pirates, if we had the guts. But Obama would have to stop campaigning and start leading. He might even have to do something that his foreign fans wouldn't like.

The next move is yours, Mr. President."

It has become more than evident that the single thing this make-believe president does well is campaign well.

Like the smarmy used car salesman who wouldn't know a differential from a driver seat, talking the talk is of utmost importance, and imagine how successful a shady seller would be with a omnipresent teleprompter to get him through that tough transaction.

Sadly for Obo, to solve this problem he'll actually need to...gasp...DO SOMETHING. No rubberstamp congress to cover his back, no fawning media to lie along with him, since if its anything the Yellowstreamers like its a good old fashioned shivering of timbers.