Police

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

PURVIS, MS—Braking hard at the county line and watching as the fugitives they had pursued sped away in a cloud of dust, the nation’s outfoxed sheriffs reportedly leapt up out of their vehicles, threw their hats in the dirt, and shook their heads in disgust Friday.

KANSAS CITY, MO—Providing a brief warning before the footage began playing, several lines of text that preceded a three-minute video clip from a police officer’s body camera reportedly informed viewers Monday they were about to see pretty much exactly what they’d expect.

CLEVELAND—Looking on as the grown man paced around outside Quicken Loans Arena in breeches and repeatedly proclaimed that he “cannot tell a lie,” police officers posted outside the Republican National Convention told reporters Tuesday they were desperately hoping for any opportunity to take a swing at a demonstrator dressed as George Washington.

BENSON, AR—In response to widespread criticism of law enforcement officers following several high-profile police encounters in recent weeks that resulted in the shooting deaths of black men, Benson police chief Lewis Marsh sought to assure the public Monday by explaining that there are just a few bad, deeply ingrained prejudices out there giving all cops a bad name.

CHICAGO—In response to calls for increased transparency and accountability, the Chicago Police Department announced Friday that it will begin monitoring all interactions with the public by using new bullet cams.

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

DANVILLE, VA—Recalling the provocation that came midway through a routine traffic stop, Danville police officer Dylan Hayden told reporters Thursday that driver Donald Watkins’ decision to frustratedly point his finger at him was just the green light he needed.

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

CHICAGO—In an effort to expand its congested facilities to better meet the department’s staffing needs, the Chicago Police Department announced Tuesday the construction of a new addition to its headquarters that will allow it to accommodate officers who have been placed on desk duty due to allegations of misconduct.

PHILADELPHIA—Bracing himself as he monitored an ongoing interrogation from behind a two-way mirror, Detective James Harpin of the Philadelphia Police Homicide Unit nervously crossed his arms as Julian Calandra, the suspect in a recent string of disappearances, slowly swiveled his chair in his direction and began addressing him directly.

‘Nothing To Worry About,’ Officials Say

PORTAGE, IN—Saying it barely counted as an abduction at all, officials from the Portage Police Department assured residents that a reported kidnapping Tuesday morning was just one of those custody-related ones.

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Following several high-profile civilian deaths at the hands of police officers, many Americans have called for the mandatory use of body cameras by law enforcement as a means of curbing the excessive use of force and providing clear accounts of officer...

SYCAMORE, TX—Utilizing state-of-the-art imaging tools in an effort to spark renewed interest in the eight-month-old case, officials from the Sycamore Police Department released a haircut-progressed photo Wednesday showing how local woman Kelly Mance...

CLEVELAND—Reasoning that he has earned some much-needed rest and relaxation, overworked Cuyahoga County prosecutor Brian Gorman told reporters Thursday that he is thinking of taking on a police brutality case as a nice little vacation.

NEW YORK—Saying that the maneuver was 100 percent effective if administered correctly, police captain Matthew Carlson demonstrated the proper technique for subduing a grand jury to a group of younger officers Thursday.

VAIL, CO—Noting that there was definitely a chill in the air, law enforcement officials confirmed Thursday that conditions were too nippy to continue search and rescue operations for Kyle Higgins, a 27-year-old hiker who has been missing for two day...

WASHINGTON—In an effort to restore the public’s faith in law enforcement, President Obama made an impassioned appeal this week, calling for the installation of turret-mounted video cameras on all police tanks.

WASHINGTON—Following a legal precedent established over the course of decades, the St. Louis County grand jury decision Monday to not indict officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of an unarmed teen reportedly reaffirmed the right of police to ...

FERGUSON, MO—Ahead of a grand jury’s decision over whether to indict officer Darren Wilson in the shooting death of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown, police in the city of Ferguson have reportedly heavily increased their presence this week...

LEXINGTON, KY—Following a pedestrian stop Monday night during which they fired their weapons on a suspicious individual, patrol officers for the Fayette County Police Department were pleasantly surprised to discover the man they shot was armed, sour...

SAN DIEGO—After stopping to question a visibly inebriated man who was seen stumbling on the sidewalk outside a local bar, police officers confirmed they were satisfied Saturday night once the individual assured them there was no problem.

WASHINGTON—Shedding light on law enforcement practices across the country, a Department of Justice study released Friday revealed that more than three-fourths of minority suspects in police custody receive their Miranda rights while unconscious.

Hanging Onto The Leg Of This Helicopter Is Harder Than It Looks

Look, I know I'm the best, and no one in the terror-combat community has ever questioned my bravery. Not in 25 proud years of service. I'm a legend around here.

But, honestly, dangling one-handed from the leg of a helicopter is not as easy as you'd think.

Clearly, I'm at a terrific physical disadvantage. The terrorists in this chopper are heavily armed, and I accidentally dropped my gun about 25 miles ago. Furthermore, all I'm wearing is this stylish but tight-fitting suit, which was, in retrospect, not the best choice of apparel. With both arms stretched up over my head like this, it's really bunching up around the shoulders, cutting off my circulation, and constricting my neck rather uncomfortably, making it difficult to breathe. A flexible windbreaker would have been much more practical. Oh well, maybe next time.

No. There shouldn't be a next time. I need to start putting more thought into such life-or-death decisions. You'd think I'd have learned from the last eight times I found myself in this situation. Only two weeks ago, I grabbed onto an elevator cord to zoom up the empty shaft, just above a rising plume of fire. Sure, I escaped the blaze, but I almost got demoted for reckless behavior. Plus, the blisters were just unbelievable. Actually, they still haven't gone away, which is certainly not making my present predicament any easier to cope with.

I'm telling you, these helicopter legs were not built to hang from.

There's this coating on them that makes the surface very slippery. Some sort of polymer—perhaps a varnish of some kind? It's hard to tell from this angle, but whatever it is, it certainly wasn't applied with the people who might be holding on for dear life in mind.

Boy, I did not think this through.

Still, I've got to stop the terrorists! I guess the obvious move here would be to hoist myself up and break into the cockpit. But even if I were able to maintain my grip in the freezing-cold air while this helicopter flies at speeds exceeding 150 mph, the terrorists probably had the good sense to lock the doors before they took off. In fact, I bet helicopter doors auto-lock so people don't fall out and end up hanging onto the legs—which, as I've already pointed out, is fairly difficult.

No two ways about it: Helicopters were designed to be ridden inside the cockpit.

Realistically, what am I going to do to get myself out of this mess? Wait for one of the terrorists to hear a noise and come out here to check, at which point I'll have to somehow catapult him over me and out the door while flinging myself into the hold? I don't even know if that's possible. And, once inside, I'll just have a whole group of angry, machine gun–wielding terrorists hellbent on destroying America to deal with.

Good God, what was I thinking?

Assuming I can get to the pilot—which, given the incredible fatigue I'm already experiencing, coupled with the virtual uselessness of my now-frozen limbs, is a long shot at best—how will I fly the helicopter to safety?

This all seemed like a great idea in the heat of the moment, but now I'm beginning to think my actions were a bit hasty. I don't even know these people, and what I do know about them isn't good. They certainly are not flying very safely. Hell, I'm not even sure they're licensed to operate an aircraft in the state of California.

Even though I have promised myself dozens of times to stop, take a deep breath, and figure out the safest, most sensible way to combat terrorists before leaping headlong into an impossibly one-sided scenario, here I am, flopping around like a rag doll from the bottom of a helicopter. Again. I'm hopeless.

Come on, get it together, man! You've swung between two buildings on hastily constructed zip lines and escaped from dingy basement torture rooms way worse than this before. You're an American hero, Special Agent Pat Carter! You're invincible!

Oh, Christ, we're headed right for that construction site, just as the helicopter seems to be running out of gas.

I seriously hope the backup units I somehow managed to call beforehand and outline this entire hypothetical scenario to are waiting with the proper paperwork to book these criminals when we all jump out at the last minute and tumble to the ground safely on that huge landfill just ahead. Only then will this foolish stunt have been worth the hassle.

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DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

CHICAGO—In an effort to expand its congested facilities to better meet the department’s staffing needs, the Chicago Police Department announced Tuesday the construction of a new addition to its headquarters that will allow it to accommodate officers who have been placed on desk duty due to allegations of misconduct.

PHILADELPHIA—Bracing himself as he monitored an ongoing interrogation from behind a two-way mirror, Detective James Harpin of the Philadelphia Police Homicide Unit nervously crossed his arms as Julian Calandra, the suspect in a recent string of disappearances, slowly swiveled his chair in his direction and began addressing him directly.

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WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.