TABLOID HELL – AUGUST 3 2001

Weeks after revealing himself as a doctor of some note – remember he diagnosed former Boyzone bandmate Ronan as suffering from arseholes in his ear – now big Lynch reckons Ronan should pay attention to whoever rings his doorbell as “the devil will visit him”.

Speaking to The Sun today (August 3), Shane explains that the arrival of evil incarnate is down to an estate agency mix-up. It seems that Shane had hoped to tour America with Boyzone and the money to be made there would pay for “my next house in the Caribbean”. Since Ronan is committed to his solo career, this looks unlikely, so enter Lucifer.

It is some time since the devil has been involved in boyband property deals, but Shane can be persuasive. Tabloid Hell has learned that despite being knocked back frequently at Hell’s switchboard – “Thanks for your enquiry Mr Lynch, the Devil is a little tied up at present, but he will get back to you,” – Shane persisted until he got ‘the big fella in charge’. “Here Satan,” Shane is likely to have said. “I want this lovely big house overlooking the sea, but that so-and-so Keating won’t take us to the Yanks so I can’t afford it.” A slightly distracted Devil may have responded: “Is this a fixed equity enquiry Mr Lynch? I’m working on pestilence in a few South American states at present; my running sores and corpulent boils guy is about to come in so I’m a little involved with that. I can put you through to Joseph Stalin who has become a bit of a whizz at property sequestration…” “Look devil, I can offer you my soul or something like that…”. “Well…, the truth is I have souls coming out of my ass at the minute and Goebbels is wading through a lot of processing work; it’s a devilish task – that’s a little Hell gag. Look, never let it be said I’m not a fair man. How about I start you on a career as hiphop star. You’ll be huge, believe me…”

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The Mirror’s Ever Vigilant 3am Girls today reveal that Phil Collins was spotted buying records in a record shop. The Girls, who are no damn slouches, also break the news that Noel Gallagher was spotted on Marylebone High Street in London, close to where he lives. Not only is Noel a gifted songwriter and leader of the biggest band in Britain, but he is now capable of being on two different sides of the world at once. He is also currently with Oasis in the Far East. Magic.

Finally, a pensioner in east London keeps digging holes under his house. To date a 15ft hole has appeared on the street outside his house, as well as holes in gardens around him. According to The Times, William Lyttle, dubbed ‘Mole Man’, has been digging around his Hackney home for 40 years.