A trampstamp about an abstinence parable… oh the delicious irony. Delicious, retarded irony.

In other news I can’t believe is real, Twilight fans (“Twihards”) are being blamed for a series of violent attacks on Twilight haters (“antis”). As discovered by io9, Urban Dictionary even has an entry for Twihard, which includes 10 signs you might be a Twihard, including…

10. Whenever you hear “Girlfriend” by Avril Lavigne, you can’t help but replacing the words with “Edward is a Virgin”

I would rather read my own positive STD test results than that sentence again. In any case, these attacks on antis supposedly include bat beatings, brick throwings, flare gun attacks, jumpings, acid throwings and more. Take the stories with a few grains of salt because they mostly come from a Twilight Sucks message board, and in fact I have a hard time believing they’re not someone’s idea of a joke. Nevertheless, it’s a pretty good one. Sample attack story:

At lunch today every single girl at the table is talking about Twilight. I try to tell them about the crazed fan girl attacks that have been going on lately (which is making me dislike the series more and more). One of the girls actually tried to talk some sense into ME! She tried to explain that the Fan girls were just angry.
And I said, “If people who don’t like Twilight get on obsessed fan girls nerves that much Twilight should be destroyed!” Some of the girls at my table understood. Some got really pissed. One of the girls marched off steaming. I thought I had made my point. But of course in Algebra I went to go sharpen my pencil, and that girl who marched off was in my class. She came up behind me and tried to slit my throat with a shank! She screamed “How dare you say Twilight should be destroyed!” Now, I had to do something. So I took my pencil out of the sharpener and stabbed her in the side (thank god i had already sharpened my pencil or she wouldn’t have felt the stab). She lost concentration for a second or two, so she could look at the pencil sticking out of her. Without such a strong grasp, i was able to break free. By now students were restraining her as she kicked and screamed.

Yeah… I don’t believe that’s real for a second, but kudos to whoever wrote it. Good stuff. In related news, I used to be a Twihard back when I played roller hockey, but I kept swipping and fawing down. :-(

In a particularly shocking attack, Twihards assraped an Anti and left a rub-on Twilight tattoo on his forehead.

04.09.09 at 12:07 pm

Mark It Zero

I wage attacks against pantis all the time. You just have to stand to the side until she wears herself out from kicking.

04.09.09 at 12:09 pm

Pauly Dangerously

Sign you might be a Twihard:

You left a kernel of corn in my pee-hole.

04.09.09 at 12:16 pm

Donkey Hodey

About six years back, I told a die-hard Harry Potter fan that he was Wiccan scum and that being a fan of that series all but guaranteed she was going to hell for worshipping false idols. Of course, I was just fucking around. She tried casting “he was hitting on me” to her boyfriend, but I blocked it with a counter-spell “your bitch is ugly and I could take you”.

Moral of the story? Books make you insane and television makes you stupid.

04.09.09 at 12:22 pm

Mark It Zero

This sounds dangerous. I think a good idea would be to insert an elite squad of police officers posing as students into these schools. Of course, they’d have to be young looking so as not to arouse suspicion. And so they could report back, have the headquarters located on a street near the school. Is someone writing this down?

04.09.09 at 12:22 pm

Donkey Hodey

Apple core!

Baltimore!

Who’s your friend?

Nobody!

*runs off crying*

04.09.09 at 12:26 pm

Stinky Peet

Something tells me those tattoos aren’t the last time those girls will stick something sharp in their wrists.

04.09.09 at 12:27 pm

Erswi

Does this mean I’m in the right to beat my wife? Y’know, before she gets me first?

Because she read those books and now I am ascared.

04.09.09 at 12:33 pm

Mark It Zero

Twilighters quickly defeated their rivals at the middle school level. But they could see the other gang, the Hilighters, coming from a mile away.

*turns into bat, flutters to corner*

04.09.09 at 12:36 pm

The Rutger Hauer Experience

Uproxx got the AIDS again?

04.09.09 at 12:37 pm

Erswi

Is someone writing this down?

Ummm, yeah. I’m pretty sure you are.

04.09.09 at 12:38 pm

Donkey Hodey

I once pissed off an R.L. Stine fan. She was fucking creepy. Gave me Goosebumps, she did.

04.09.09 at 12:40 pm

Erswi

If the fans are called Twihards does that make all of their activities Twiharded?

04.09.09 at 12:42 pm

Donkey Hodey

This is just like when I called that C.S. Lewis fan a closet-case.

04.09.09 at 12:42 pm

NoMoPolenta

Twilight’s just a way for the golden delicious apple corporations to push their agenda.

Fucking conformists.

/takes a drag from a cigarette

04.09.09 at 12:43 pm

Stinky Peet

Fangsters all wear long leather jackets with the applo logo on the back, surrounded by their motto: Twihard With a Vengeance. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfuckers.

04.09.09 at 12:47 pm

Donkey Hodey

Twihards have been vandalizing the grave of Francis Scott Key for penning an anthem nearly 200 years ago that says their favorite book series will eventually flutter out.

04.09.09 at 12:53 pm

Donkey Hodey

Can somebody please get Sexman to read that story of a Twihard attack aloud on Youtube?

04.09.09 at 12:55 pm

The Rutger Hauer Experience

At Forks High School the Antis even get shit from teachers marking their homeworks with “Twiharder next time.”

04.09.09 at 1:02 pm

ChinoMoreno

Fearing further violence, the Twiharders were relocated to Sporks High School.

04.09.09 at 1:04 pm

Mark It Zero

Looks like I’m going as William Tell for Halloween this year. Again.

04.09.09 at 1:19 pm

Eibmoz

Well ,at least they have marked themselves so we can avoid them

04.09.09 at 1:20 pm

bryce

Those are some pale, lonely, virgins… But at least they are real individual now they have a tattoo of a popular book and film franchise. All those people who laughed at my back piece of Harry Potter blowing Dumbledor will be saying how wrong they were… Anytime now… anytime…

04.09.09 at 1:20 pm

Eibmoz

I think Twitard is a much better name for them

04.09.09 at 2:27 pm

BiggieLaing

the book sucks, the movie sucks…I don’t fucking get it.

04.09.09 at 3:31 pm

IbreakforMartinlawrences

My girlfriend wanted me to be more like Edward.

So i fucked her dad.

04.09.09 at 4:23 pm

max power

Well, it’s a good thing I know I can defend myself against 15 year old girls and gays.