Monday, September 26, 2011

Your eyes do not deceive you – the good people at Star Potholders combined recipes with crochet patterns. After all, everyone who loves to crochet must also love to cook, right? And vice versa, naturally. Just such a versatile lady is pictured above, barefoot but not visibly pregnant in the Star Potholder kitchen.

Don’t get me wrong. I greatly admire multitaskers who can cook and crochet simultaneously without setting the house on fire. The fact that these people do so despite being only three inches tall is especially admirable. When was the last time you crocheted two blanket-sized potholders, then stirred a pot twice your size all the while ignoring enormous vegetables bent on revenging their cooked kin?

Indeed, this Parsley Puff Potholder pattern recipe combination – or pattipe, if you prefer – is a testament to perseverance in the face of overwhelming adversity.

Either that, or its evidence that the designers of this book were on heavy medication.

Wash parsley and break into small sprigs and put in ice water to crisp. Separate egg: to the beaten yolk, add flour, water, and seasonings...

Yes, this recipe calls for “seasonings”. I’ve been told such ingredients may be purchased from congenial vendors on street corners.

... and beat until thoroughly mixed. Then fold in egg whites beaten stiff. Dip the parsley sprigs into this batter and fry in deep fat at 390 degrees F until golden brown. Drain and serve hot. This is a tempting garnish for meats.

The terrifying implications of a three-inch tall housewife operating a deep-fryer aside, I’m of the opinion that restaurants exist so I may pay other people to do my deep frying for me.

However, if you’re brave enough to attempt this recipe, why stop at the garnish? After all, you’ve got a whole pot of boiling oil, just waiting for you to dump the entire entree into it.

Yum?

For the actual potholder patterns (and more snark!):

I don’t know what teapots have to do with deep-fried vegetation.

For that matter, I really don’t know why there’s a clock face on this teapot. And I really, really don’t know why there’s a world full of teapot-shaped clocks – or t-pocks, as they’re known to the kids these days.

The point is, these t-pocks can’t be used to make tea, or if they can, then they’re not functional clocks.

Plus, when you invite your mother-in-law to tea, you’re humiliated when you discover fairies are humping your t-pock. Again.

And then pattern the pattern using the pattern until the entire pattern is patterned.

Wait, what was the pattern again?

Repeat the last 3 rows.16th Row– Increase 1 pattern at beginning and end of row, then work 20 rows even in pattern.37th Row– Decrease 1 pattern each end of row, then work 3 rows even.
Repeat the last 4 rows.45th Row– Decrease 1 pattern each end then work 2 rows even.48th Row– Decrease 1 pattern each end then work 3 rows even.52nd Row– Decrease 1 pattern each end then work 2 rows even.55th Row– Decrease 1 pattern each end then work 1 row even, break thread.57th Row– With Red, skip 2 sts, 1 s c in each of the next 10 s c, ch 1, turn.Next Row– 1 s c in each s c, ch 1, turn, skip 1 st, 1 s c in next st, 1 s d c in next st, (s d c; thread over, insert in st, pull through and work off all loops at one time) 1 d c in each of the next 4 sts, 1 s d c in next st, 1 s c in next st, break thread.

In the olden days, pattern books often had to invent their own abbreviations. These days “s d c” is more commonly known as “hdc” or a “half double crochet”.

Despite my usual preference for vintage things, I find hdc, rather less confusing than s d c which I can only presume translates as “single double crochet”. But you can’t be a single in a double unless you’re Barbara Mandrell.

SPOUT. With White, attach thread in first st at straight edge and working toward lower edge work 9 patterns across straight edge, ch 2, turn, work a pattern in each pattern increasing 1 pattern at end of row, ch 2, turn.Next Row– Decrease one pattern at end of row then work 1 row even.Next Row– Decrease one pattern at end of row.Next Row– Decrease one pattern at end of row.Next Row– Decrease one pattern at end of row.

I heard that the Star Potholder test crocheter was found dead in a locked room with “decrease one pattern at end of row” written over and over on all the walls – in blood. But I’m sure that was just a coincidence.

Next Row– Decrease one pattern at beginning of row.Next Row– Decrease one pattern at end of row, break thread.
Work another section in the same manner.

Fortunately for the longevity of their dear readers, the Star Potholder editor has opted to eschew any further line-by-line instructions.

With Red, crochet the 2 sections together, starting at lower edge, work 1 s c in each s c across bottom, * ch 3, d c in same space, skip 1/8 inch space, s c in next st, repeat from * all around, break thread.
Thread Red into needle and work a row of outline st about 1 inch down from Red top. Work another outline st ¼ inch from lower edge and across side to separate the spout from the body. Draw a 3 ½ inch circle in center and work numerals on it as illustrated. Work a small solid circle in center of clock and work 2 hands using the lazy daisy st.

You do know how to embroider, correct? You wouldn’t be at this point in the pattern (which, of course, you read all the way through before embarking upon), if you didn’t know how to embroider.

Is that weeping I hear? I know what’ll cheer you up. A nice cup of tea!

HANDLE. With White, ch 37, and work 36 s c on ch, break thread.
Attach Red and work 1 s c in each s c working 3 s c at end, turn and working on other side of s c, work 1 s c in each of the next 7 s c, * skip 1 s c, s c in next s c, repeat from * 6 times, 1 s c in each remaining st, break thread leaving an end to sew.
Sew to potholder as illustrated.LOOP. Wrap Red around small finger 3 times, remove from finger and work 20 s c over loop. Attach to top of potholder.

Faces, unlike clocks, actually make a certain amount of sense here. Who doesn’t love anthropomorphizing household objects? “How may I serve you?” we can imagine our teapot asking, in a hilarious British accent.

Of course, if teapots really could speak, it’d be more likely they’d shriek, “Why are you pouring out my BRAINNNNS?” Which would definitely put a damper on your next tea party.

No. 3214

AMERICAN THREAD COMPANY
“DE LUXE: MERCERIZED CROCHET
AND KNITTING COTTON

18th to 22nd Rows– Decrease 1 st at the beginning and end of each row, remaining sts even. (Decrease; insert needle in first d c, pull thread through, insert needle in next d c, pull thread through, thread over and pull through 2 loops on needle, thread over and pull through remaining loops.)23rd to 28th Rows– Decrease 2 sts at beginning and end of each row.29th Row– Ch 1, decrease 1 st, 1 s c in next d c, 1 s d c in each of the next 3 d c, (s d c; thread over, insert in st, pull through and work off all loops at one time) 1 d c in each d c to within the last 6 d c, 1 s d c in each of the next 3 d c, 1 s c in next d c, then decrease 1 st.
Working down side of kettle, work 2 s c in each d c row, across lower edge work over entire st, 3 s c over first and last s c, 1 s c over each remaining st. Up opposite side work 2 s c in each d c row, 1 s c in each st across top, break thread.
With Red, work 1 row of s c all around, break thread. Work another section to correspond.
With Red, crochet the two sections together, ch 3, thread over, insert needle in same space with ch 3, pull thread through, thread over, insert needle in same space, pull thread through, thread over and pull through all loops on needle, * thread over, insert needle in next st, pull thread through, thread over, insert in same st, pull thread through, thread over and pull through all loops on needle, repeat from * all around, break thread.HANDLES. With White, ch 32 and work 31 s c on ch. Attach Red and work 1 s c in each s c, ch 2, turn and work a row of puffs same as on kettle, break thread.

Is that what all that interminable threading over and inserting business was about? We were making “puffs”?

I just hope there’s no deep-frying involved as there was in making the parsley puffs. I refused to deep-fry my crochet, no matter how effective a batter-delivery system cotton yarn might be.

With Red, work an outline st for lid, starting at about the 5th row from top and working down to about the 8th row, then back to 5th on opposite side, then over the outline st work 1 row of s c, break thread.
Work s c over a small bone ring and attach to top of lid.
Embroider face as illustrated.

Wait a t-pock minute! The lid of the clock potholder didn’t require a bone ring, but this one does? But it’s not even included in the materials list.

What madness is this?

This blog is the result of a near OCD compulsion to transcribe - and mock! - vintage patterns, ads, and other odds and sods. And you, dear reader, are the fortunate beneficiary.

Every month you will discover new patterns from the past century. These are the vintage gems that generations of women have inflicted upon husbands, children and themselves.

You are cordially invited to recreate these products of subconscious hostility and not-so-passive aggression. Send photos of the results to victoriadunnwrites (at) hotmail (dot) com, and I will be delighted to mock them for you.