When it comes to compliments there are some people who can accept them gracefully and others who completely reject them. It may be that one rejects all compliments or only compliments that come from certain people. This can relate to men who reject all compliments from women or women who reject all compliments form men. And then there is the work environment; where one may reject compliments from colleagues. Accepting compliments from friends may also be a challenge. So even though one may have a connection to someone, accepting their kind words can be no easier than if a stranger were to give them. Two types This is not to say that compliments are always genuine or are coming from clear intentions. But there will be times when the compliments are real and have been well thought out. Used as a sign of appreciation and acknowledgment of what one has done or who one is. There will also be times when a compliment is neither pure nor clear in intention and is simply being said as a way to manipulate another. However, for the person that can’t accept them it doesn’t matter whether they are genuine or not; because they are being interpreted in the same way regardless. Examples One may say something to another about how smart they look, how attractive they are or how well they are doing. Only for the other person to feel offended, uncomfortable and that they are being put down based on how they interpret what is being said. Interpretation And the operative word here is - Interpretation. To the person who is giving a sincere compliment there is likely to be one outcome in mind. And that involves sharing their view and making the other person feel good about themselves. Upon hearing a genuine compliment, one can do one of three things. This is to accept it, reject it or take it the wrong way.. The reason that compliments are not always heard for what they are is that they are often interpreted through ones ego mind. Associations And how something is interpreted will largely depend on the associations that one has around what is being communicated to them. These associations can range from meanings that are: positive, negative, dysfunctional and functional. As result of people having different associations for words, facial expression or vocal tones for example; it is then a natural consequence that compliments can trigger different meanings for people. Automatic The challenge here is that these associations are part of a process that generally goes on unconsciously and out of one’s awareness. So it is rarely an option to question whether they are accurate or not. It is for this reason that it won’t matter how true and empowering the compliment is. As the only thing the other person will experience is what is being triggered by their ego mind and not the true meaning of it. Causes This makes it a lot easier to understand the reason why some people can reject a sincere compliment or even take in a negative way. No matter how true the compliment is it won’t be going in; all it will do is bounce off. What usually forms these associations is an experience or experiences during ones adult years or when one was a child. This one experience or the accumulation of experiences will then define how one responds to compliments. These may have been extremely traumatic or may just have had a strong psychological impact. Adulthood Being around friends, colleagues or family that are negative can have a negative effect on one’s self image. It may be due to a one of occurrence or simply an accumulation of small things. And before one knows it, self doubt starts to arise within. Although before one could accept a compliment; as a result of these experiences or an experience, it become a struggle. And something that is questioned and no longer accepted. Childhood For people who had caregivers that were slightly or extremely abusive, it is likely that they had numerous experiences that would have formed a disempowering self image. Having a caregiver who was slightly critical and judgemental would also have done this. And it is not even something that needs to be traumatic; just accumulative experiences that seem insignificant can be enough to affect ones idea about who they are. One experience that had a traumatic affect can also lead to problems. Self Worth These experiences will have lowered one sense of self worth. Feelings of being unworthy, not good enough or inferior can be consequences. And now it doesn’t matter what kind of compliments are received, as they are all interpreted in a way that mirrors the dysfunctional perspective that one has of themselves. The other person may be perceived as being manipulative and insincere even when this is far from the truth. Awareness To be able to accept compliments and to know the difference between ones that genuine and ones that are not, one needs to let go of the past associations. Through doing this it will be a lot easier to be present and to respond appropriately to each situation. For some people it may require processing some deep trauma and for others simply being aware of how they are reacting to compliments; and from here consciously choosing to respond differently. There is plenty of assistance available; from therapy, books and speaking to someone who one trusts about this challenge. Thereby making the unconscious conscious and from here everything can change.

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Do u believe its possible to accept compliments as another persons perspective and value them yet for these compliments not to have an impact on ones self image, to almost be seen and regarded as a seperate judgement? And if so why do you think this behaviour occurs?

I understand what you are saying and yes it is possible. Its almost as if one has dissociated form themselves and as a result cant connect with what is being said to them.

This shows that there is something going on that is blocking one from accepting what is being said.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

Lucy

16/2/2013 01:26:03 pm

Thank you for your interesting perspective Oliver.

Oliver J R Cooper

16/2/2013 04:49:27 pm

Your welcome Lucy :D.

Oliver

Reply

helena

17/9/2013 06:30:48 pm

Help! A friend of mine had a strong negative reaction when I made an innocent compliment, yet also reacted badly when he thought I insulted him. He says he can't handle compliments from anyone, doesn't like talking about himself, and it's nothing personal to do with me. I have to watch my step now. What's with that?? I never met a guy who thinks it's horrible when a girl says she thinks he's smart and a good person. I'm confounded.

Yes, it can be hard to understand. Each one of us has our own subjective reality and words mean different things to different people. So when someone cant accept them, they are going to have a different meaning inside than someone who can. As I say in the article above, it probably comes down to what happened to them as a child.

All the best,

Oliver

Reply

helena

18/9/2013 06:02:02 pm

Thank you oliver. I appreciate the help. You're right about subjective realities. Any extra advice on how to maintain this friendship without always watching my words? I don't want it to be a one way deal, wherein I'm only talking about myself. I don't want to be nosy but a friendship should be two people. :)

unless your friend is open to facing their reasons for being this way, you will have to respect this persons outlook. You might chose to spend less time around them as you are not allowed to be yourself or to talk about other things when you are together.

But as you say, a relationship is between two people. So if each person is not sharing and receiving, it is hard to have one.