I Love Lucy (1951) s04e12 Episode Script

Lucy Learns to Drive

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) Oh Hi. Oh, hi. What you doing? I'm just checking our luggage for the trip. This stuff will never make it to California. Did you ever see anything that looked so awful? Yeah, Fred. What's the matter with him? Oh, he just can't get over that $400 he lost buying that old car. No kidding. You ought to see him. He just sits and stares into space, glassy-eyed. Well, for heaven's sake, I know $400 is a lot of money, but it's nothing to go into a state of shock over. Oh, you don't know Fred. Once he actually foamed at the mouth when his penny got stuck in a peanut machine. Oh, not really. I'm telling you, it took two men and a crowbar to get his hand out of the slot. And you won't believe this. I can't get him to eat anything. Fred won't eat? Oh, he is sick. Gee, honey, there must be something we can do to snap him out of it. Oh, I've tried everything. You know his friend that runs the garage on the next block? Joe? Joe. Joe said he'd fix up the whole car, so it would run and only charge $20 and even that didn't make any impression on him. (sighing) Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. Will you see what you can do, Lucy? Sure, I'll take a crack at him. I don't know what I could do. Huh. Hi, Fred, you old rascal you. How's every little thing, huh? Fred? Oh, Fred. Um, Fred, I made an apple pie last night. How would you like a big piece with a big hunk of cheese on it, huh? Does that sound good, Fred? Oh, boy, he's real gone. Isn't that awful? I'll go get the baby, he'll notice him. Okay. Sit down, Fred. We're going to go see Uncle Fred, honey. We're going to say hello to Uncle Fred, huh? There he is. There's Uncle Fred. Say hi! Say, "Hi, Uncle Fred." Say hi! Hi, hi. Wave your hand at him. Give him a kiss. Give him a kiss. Well, I give up. What am I gonna do? I don't know. When he doesn't notice the baby, ugh! He's still warm. Lucy, guess what! Hi. Hi, Ethel, hi, Fred. Lucy? Where's Lucy? Uh, what-what is it? What is it? I want her to hear. Lucy! Yeah? Come here, honey! What? I bought a new car. A new one?! A brand-new Pontiac. A new Pontiac! Yeah. You said you couldn't afford a new car. Yeah, I know, I know, but I started thinking about the long trip and everything, and I think it's a better investment anyway. Don't you think so, Fred? Fred? What's the matter with him? He's in a state of shock. It's that $400. Oh. Yeah, it was too much for him. He's retired from reality. He can't hear a word we say. Well, that's too bad because I got wonderful news. What? Well, I used Fred's old Cadillac as a trade-in so Fred will get all his money back. What's that? I think we struck a nerve. What's this about getting my money back? Well, welcome back to the world, Fred! Fred, I bought a brand-new car, see? And I, I used your old car as a trade-in, and the guy allowed me $400 on it. So, all I got to do is give you the $400 and everybody's happy. When do we see the car? Uh, yeah, where is it? When do we eat? He's really recovered. It's right down at the curb right now. Here? Well, come on, let's go see it. Oh, the baby. Come on, Fred. Uh, honey, go get Mrs. Trumbull. Ask her to come over for a minute, will ya? Okay, sure. We'll see you downstairs. Oh, no, you don't! Nobody's gonna see that car before I do. While we're waiting, how about something to eat? Now you waited two whole days to eat, you can wait a few minutes longer. Hurry up, Ricky! Oh, Ricky, it's beautiful! Isn't that dreamy? FRED: Oh, what a pip! Automatic transmission? Naturally. How much horsepower? Oh, great. Oh, Ethel, smell. There's nothing like the smell of a new car, huh? Wait till you see the motor, Fred. I want to see it. Look in here. Yeah. Oh Isn't that beautiful (horn blaring) Oh! What are you trying to do? What's the matter? What's the matter with you? You crazy or something? Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I'm sorry. Come on, let's go for a ride. No, no, no, we can't. LUCY: Why not? Because we're not insured. Oh. Well, you drove it home. Yeah, I know, but I shouldn't have. I called the insurance man, and he wasn't in the office. I just couldn't wait any longer to show it to you. Come on, just once around the block. Yeah, Come on, Rick. just once. All right, come on. Just once. Just once. LUCY: Yeah, okay. ETHEL: We're gonna ride all the way to California! Oh, isn't this great? Oh, come on, honey, hurry up, give me the keys! Haven't you forgotten something? What? You don't know how to drive. Oh. Hey, Fred, there's some difference in this and that old relic you bought. FRED: All right, all right. We shouldn't be doing this. Oh, well. We'll go once around the block. LUCY: Yeah. Gee, I hope somebody sees us. Oh, to California, sitting like this. LUCY: Yeah. Hey, we got a new car! Look everybody, we got a new car! Hey, look! RICKY: Lucy. Yeah? Listen, honey, I got to go down to the club What are you doing? Oh, I can't take my eyes off it. That is the most beautiful car in the whole world. It's pretty, isn't it? Yeah. Take me for another ride. No. We don't move that car until it's insured. Well, call the man again, go on. All right. You know, I called him four times. He didn't answer any one of the times. Maybe he's out of town or something. Ricky? (busy signal) What? When are you gonna teach me to drive? Uh, I got to go to the club. Uh, I'm gonna take the the car and show it to the boys, so I can't now. Well, Good-bye, dear. Now, honey, this is important. If we're gonna live in Los Angeles, I have to know how to drive. Lucy, please, they got enough traffic problems in Los Angeles already. Now, honey, listen. Suppose we're driving across country. We're in the middle of the desert, miles from anywhere, and you get sick and then Fred gets sick, and Ethel can't drive and there we are-- miles from civilization. It's hot, the sun is pouring down, it's broiling. We're thirsty, our throats are parched. Water! Water! Water! (gagging): Water Oh, oh, if I had only learned to drive, I could save us all. Water! Water! Wa-ater! Are you getting my message? No. Well, then why didn't you say so? That hurt my throat. Come on, Ricky, say that you'll teach me to drive! Nope. You'll be sorry, I'm gonna nag you about this. I'm not gonna let you alone a minute till you promise me Okay, okay, okay, okay, I'll tich you. Well those are the most beautiful words I ever heard: "I'll tich you." How come you gave in so quickly? No, I didn't give up quickly. I laid awake all night last night, trying to figure a way out of this. There is none. When can I have my driving lesson? This afternoon? Maybe. Oh, well, I you know, I practically know how to drive. I took a couple of lessons in high school. Well, things have changed a little since then. Oh, have they? Come here. Here's the name of the man, his phone number and the all the information you got to give him. Yeah. Now, If you can get this guy on the phone before I come back from the club, I'll give you a lesson this afternoon. Oh, wonderful! Okay. Good-bye. Good-bye, dear. Oh, boy! (busy signal) (car approaching) Hi, Ricky, how'd the driving lesson go? How'd it go, Ricky? (horn beeps) Es imposible. Lo que paso es imposible. No se le puede explicar a nadie lo que paso hoy en el tunel. iQue horror! iQue barbaridad! Si se lo dice a alguien, no lo creen. Where you going? Huh? Where you going? Oh, uh I'm going to rehearsal. Oh, aren't you gonna take your car? What was that? Aren't you gonna take your car? No, no. I may never drive again. What's the matter with him? Oh He got mad at me while I was driving through the Holland Tunnel. Ricky let you drive through the Holland Tunnel? Well, he didn't mean to. I got caught in a stream of traffic and I couldn't stop. But you drove all the way through the Holland Tunnel! Halfway through. What do you mean halfway? Well, Ricky was late for rehearsal and I saw an opportunity to How was I supposed to know there wasn't room to make a U-turn? You made a U-turn in the Holland Tunnel?! Oh, brother, that must have been something. Yeah. The policeman said the cars were backed up all the way to East Orange, New Jersey. I'll bet. Where's the baby? Oh, Mrs. Trumbull took him to the zoo. Oh, good. You know, Ethel, it was awful exciting learning to drive, though. You should have seen me. I was just like a real professional. I hung my arm out the window, you know. Oh, boy, I envy you. I always wanted Fred to teach me how to drive, but we never owned a car. Well, you should learn how to drive. That way, we could take turns driving across the country. You think so? Sure. This way, you're just so much dead weight. Well, maybe I'll develop other talents like folding up road maps and keeping an eye open for clean restrooms. Oh Now, honey. No, you really should learn to drive, though. You know who's gonna teach you? Who? Me. You? Yeah. You just learned this morning. Listen, I drove for a whole hour. Oh, pardon me, Barney Oldfield. Come on, come on, I'll show you how it goes. Hey, wait! What? Do you think we ought to drive that without Ricky's permission? Oh, we're not gonna drive it. You just sit behind the wheel and I'll show you how things work. Sort of a dry run, you know. Okay. Come on. Oh, listen, when we get back upstairs, remind me to call the man about the insurance for the car, will you? You mean Ricky let you drive this car and it wasn't insured?! Well, he sort of thought it was insured. He told me to call the man, but I couldn't get him and I didn't want to miss my driving lesson. Lucy! Well, he didn't ask me! Anyway, nothing happened. There's no harm done. Get in. All right. Oh, gee, I never thought this would happen to me. (laughs) Ooh! Oh, boy, I feel so sporty. (laughing) Now, what do I do? Well, if you had the key, you'd put Oh, oh, he left the key in here. What do I do? Just turn the key. Uh-huh. Turn the key. (engine starts) What was that? Oh, well, nothing to get frightened now. That's just the motor. Oh. There, now see this gidget here? Yeah. Now, that's neutral, then you put it in drive, and then you put it in low. See? Yeah. Now, there's nothing to it really, Isn't that motor quiet, though? It isn't even running. Of course it's running. No, it isn't. Sure it is. Step on the gas, you'll see. Okay. That it? Yeah. (engine revving) Oh, Lucy! Put the brake on! Put the brake on! Oh, Lucy! What's the matter with you, Ethel? I told you not to take it out of gear. I don't know what a gear is. Oh, for heaven's sake! Oh, our beautiful car! Oh, Ethel, look at that grill! Oh, and it's all my fault. Oh, no, it's my fault. I wanted to teach you to drive. What are we gonna do? Let's hop in the car and head for the border. No, we got to get these cars apart. And then what? Well, mayeb I can take the Pontiac down to the garage and get it fixed before Ricky comes home. Come on, jump up on here. Jump up on here? Yeah, and bounce up and down. You up there? Yeah. All right. Now jump up and down. What are we doing this for? I don't know. (metallic clattering) Whenever two cars get stuck together, the men do it. Oh. Well, it isn't doing any good. No, I guess not. I guess we'll have to drive both cars to California. Hey, are the keys in the Cadillac? Yeah, They're under the seat. The man's gonna pick it up today. Oh, here they are. What are you gonna do? Listen, do you think if I drove this car to the garage, that one would follow? Do you know how to drive this? Oh, sure. I learned to drive in a car like this. This is the gear shift and this is the brake and this is the clutch. Or is this the brake and this the clutch? Don't you know? Well, I'll find out as soon as I get going, you know. How? Well, if I step on the brake, and it doesn't stop, it was the clutch. Let's go. Okay. Oh, hey, wait a minute. You got to stay here. Stay here? Yeah, and stall everybody off. Wh-Wh-What'll I do? Look. Where's Fred? He's downtown. Look, if Fred comes back, you tell him that the man came for the Cadillac and that Ricky has the Pontiac downtown. If the man comes for the Cadillac, you tell him that Fred has it out for one last farewell spin. If Ricky comes home, you tell him the man came for the Cadillac and Fred took the Pontiac downtown to have it washed. Okay? No, you stay here and tell that story. I'll drive the car to the garage. No, you can't do that. You haven't even soloed yet. Oh. Well, I hope you know what you're doing. Oh, I hope so, too. Wish me luck. Good luck. Okay. Ah. (starter grinding) (starter grinding) (starter grinding) (engine turning over) (backfires twice) (engine sputtering) Take it easy now. Yeah, I will. Be careful. Yeah. Have I got it? Yeah, it's coming. Okay. (engine backfiring and sputtering) Lucy! What happened? You won't believe it. Listen, when you left here, weren't you driving that car and wasn't this car hooked onto the back of that car? Well, how did, how did that car get hooked onto the back of this car? It was the most horrible experience of my life. And I've had some pretty horrible experiences. I'll bet, Ethel, if I skipped my next henna rinse, I'd find my hair is snow white. Well, tell me what happened. Well, I went to down to the garage to ask the mechanic how much it would cost to fix the Pontiac. He said it might be as much as $150. Why $150? Oh, I don't know. Something's out of line in the front of the Pontiac. So, I didn't have that much money, so I just decided to drive the cars back here, park them in front of the apartment and just tell Ricky I didn't know how any of it happened. Well, how did the Cadillac get hooked onto the back of the Yeah, I'm coming to that. You know that underpass by Grand Central Station? Yeah. Well, I was driving on the downhill side of it and a car started to pass me and it was a new Pontiac just like our car and the driver was coming awful close so I turned to give him a dirty look and no one was driving. No one was driving? So I looked back at our car and it was gone. It came unhooked, and then what? Well, it passed me at the bottom of the hill and I didn't know what to do, so I stopped, and the Pontiac kept on going up the hill and it didn't quite make it to the top. (gasping) It didn't? Not much, it didn't. It started rolling backwards and crashed right into me. You're right, I don't believe it. I wouldn't have believed it either if it hadn't happened to me. What are you gonna say to Ricky? How about good-bye? No, Ethel, our only chance is to pretend complete innocence. Oh, we'll never get away with it. Well, we'd better get away with it, or Ricky and Fred will be planting their footprints somewhere and it won't be Grauman's Chinese Theatre. Ethel, I wonder how those two cars got that way. What cars? Here they come. Here they come. Now, remember, they're gonna scream and yell at us, but we just have to pretend we don't know what they're talking about. Just, just act nonchalant. Oh, hi, fellas. Hi, fellas. What's new? How are things down at the club, dear? Say something. Don't just stare at me! I don't know anything about those cars! Aha. So, it was you. Us. Look, Lucy, I am trying awfully hard to control my temper, because this time I am afraid to lose it. Yeah, well, look, I can explain everything. I wasn't driving the car. I was just showing Ethel how things work and you left the key and I just showed her how to turn it on the motor and all of a sudden, the Pontiac jumped up and rammed the Cadillac and we tried to get the cars apart and we couldn't. And so then I drove the cars to the garage. I was gonna get the Pontiac fixed before you came home and, and well, I went down a hill and a car started to pass me and I stopped and the car went on up the hill and, and it didn't quite get up to the top and then it came back downhill and crashed right into me and I drove the cars home. That's all there is to it. (stifling laughter) (laughing out loud) (laughing uncontrollably) What's so funny? It's so ridiculous. This could only happen to Lucy. Yeah, yeah, just to me. Stupid old me. (laughing) (guffawing) How can you laugh?! What do you think it's gonna cost us to have those cars fixed? Oh, don't worry about that, Fred, I'm insured. We've lost Lucy. What's the matter with her? Well, she didn't call the man. Ricky isn't insured. Well, we've lost him, too. Don't worry, Fred. You don't think I was gonna be so stupid as to let Lucy do it? I called the insurance man myself. You did? Well, we got him back. Now, as far as you are concerned, young lady RICKY: Lucy? I don't think you're getting through to her. Lucy! Maybe she's afraid to come back. Tell her you won't do anything to her. Lucy, I won't do anything to you. Lucy, I said I wasn't gonna do anything to you. All right, all right, cross my heart. Hi. But I didn't promise you that I wasn't gonna tell you what I think about you. Oh. Oh, you're just gonna tell me, huh? Yeah. Pero no-no-no se donde empezar. Oh. ?Que te pasa? ?Se te perdio el sentido? ?Que tu tienes en la cabeza? ?No tienes nada metido en la cabeza? ?Esta la cabeza muerta? ?No tienes nada aqui completamente? Un dia te voy a coger como si fueras un pollito y te voy a coger por pescuezito y voy a poner aqui los dedos y (grunting) ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu Production. Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.