Sunday, September 11, 2011

Yes, that would be me. I haven't been writing during this adoption process, and I see now that I should. It's not about who (or if anyone) reads this. It's about me being honest and accountable to God and myself. The truth isn't always easy to face. In fact, most of the time it's our instinct to run away from it. It's hardest to admit that there's something wrong with us... not other people, US. These past few weeks have been some of the most difficult times I've had with my faith. I've been questioning God instead of questioning my own motives and my own selfish desires. See? We didn't want another baby. We were content and as happy as could be. Then BAM! The world as we knew it came tumbling down. We grudgingly accepted God's will and decided to move forward on this journey to another child, our son. I was SO SURE at the beginning of this journey.. so sure of MYSELF. Not of God. That's where I always screw things up. He tells me things to do, and I submit (or so I think I do). I've realized that agreeing to do His will isn't submitting. We may be submitting to the actual task, but we have to submit totally, and give it all to Him. As Christians, haven't we heard this a million times? Let go, and let God. I tell myself rather indignantly that "Of COURSE I'm letting God! He's the one who told me to do this in the first place. Would I be doing this if I wasn't submitting?" That's how I've been justifying the fact that I've really been looking out for myself instead of letting Him lead the way.

There are some truths in this situation:

In my mind my age is one of the biggest factors I have against me. Let's face it. I'm 41. I may not feel (or look as most say) 41, but the number doesn't lie. I see myself raising a teenager in my 50's, and it scares the crap outta me. Most people will be have grandchildren (and it's likely that I will too) at this age, not raising teenagers. Everyday that creeps by without a baby means that I'm one day closer to oldness! :)

There's also this undeniable fact: When you adopt, your entire life is put on hold. I've never been good at putting this to the side and just living my life. Who can? It's a baby for Pete's sake. I HAVE TO MAKE SURE THAT I'M DOING EVERYTHING I CAN TO FIND HIM AND BRING HIM TO US. Tag. You're it. There it is as plain as day. I think I have to do things, when I don't. I don't have to go looking for a baby. He will send him. Now, that doesn't mean that I didn't have to find my fabulous attorney or get things together for our home study. All those things have to be done by me. God isn't going to come down here and get our last 2 years of tax records together...some of this IS our responsibility. It means that I don't have to be in charge of this. I don't have to spend every waking moment wondering if I'm supposed to call someone, or do something else to make this happen. I don't have to control this.

Yesterday an expectant mom had an appointment to view our profile. From the outside looking in it was THE PERFECT situation. No one could argue, so I decided that this was meant to be. God had lined this up Himself, and THIS was our baby. Big surprise, it wasn't. I had my heartbroken and was screaming out to Him asking WHY HE had let me be broken again. AGAIN! Every time this happens (it's been twice so far) I feel like I've had a miscarriage. WHY in the world would he put me through that pain again? The thing is that HE didn't. I did this all to myself. I convinced myself that what I wanted was God's will. How could it not be?? It was PERFECT! Didn't God himself make all things perfect happen?? Of course He does. When it's His will, not mine. I had let the desires of my soul override what His Spirit was telling me and doing in me. I let that voice of selfishness speak over His Holy Voice. Yesterday morning as I was SO sure that this was it I heard this tiny whisper inside myself saying, "This isn't it". I heard it a few times and hushed it. THAT wasn't God! That must be the devil trying to weaken me. It WAS God. He was trying in His loving way to let me know that this wasn't going to happen, but I chose to shut that sound out and hear what I wanted to hear. I wanted this to be our baby in every way. I had orchestrated this most amazing plan in my head and boldly told everyone that THIS was God's will. I KNEW it, because He told me. It was a beautiful plan, but it wasn't His.

After that happened yesterday I had myself a big ol' fit. I screamed at Andrew and had a marvelous pity party. I declared how we should just return every single baby item we had bought in preparation. WHY keep all these things when it may not even happen? What was the use? It took me a while to get this together in my meager mind: All this preparation is FAITH. FAITH AND COMPLETE TRUST IN GOD. Faith that He is going to follow through with what He first told me in my bathtub not even 2 months ago. He is going to send our son. Oprah would be proud, as I've finally had my aha moment.... Lou Lynn is not in charge of this adoption. Or this day. Or this life. It's not in my hands. It's all about grace. The grace and love that only comes from the Creator. THE Alpha and Omega. The It and All.. Our Father in Heaven. He lets me wake up every morning and be a wife and mother. He gives me the love to pour out on my family and those around me. He does it all. Why in the world would I ever think that a plan I created could be better than the plan God has for my family? It's not. In fact, I suck at trying to be in charge of my world and circumstances. Everything God does is perfection, and I know that the plan He has is more amazing than anything I could ever dream up myself.

So what happens now? I'm going to be still and wait. Wait and listen. Wait until He unfolds His plan and brings me my son. I don't have any idea when this will be. At the beginning I felt that it would be soon, and that was why I felt such urgency to get things done fast. Now? I don't know. It may be months from now, or it may be tomorrow. Either way I know it's His timing and not mine. I'm finally going to do what I've claimed to have done in the past. I'm going to truly let go, and let God. Just typing that brought a smile to my face and tears in my eyes all at the same time. Jesus is going to do this and carry me along the way. He will order my steps and the way my baby comes to me. I don't know about the rest of you, but I can't wait to see how this turns out. Ain't God just something else? Yes peeps He is, and I for one am so incredibly thankful that He is.