Hey there - so sorry about the long wait before this, RL pulled me away for a while, but I'm here now (finally!).

So, I really liked this! I loved that you write Victoire as nervous and standing on her own on the platform, looking around at everything, feeling a little overwhelmed and out of place. It's such a nice thing to see, since most people write a lot of the Next Gen kids as very confident, and not all of them would be, you know? So yeah, I like your Victoire, I think she's lovely. I love how she's so fascinated by the new professor, and curious about how her mum saved his life - it's the kind of thing everyone would want to know about their parent. I also like how shy she is, particularly at the beginning, and aware of how people are looking at her - it makes sense, having two parents who are war heroes and being related to the golden trio, you know? And of course it's going to be overwhelming and strange for a shy, young girl.

I love that you're including Roger Davies as well - I really like as a character, and think it's a such a shame not that much is written about him. I'm so looking forward to see what you do with him/how you characterise him/etc :)

I did notice, however, that you have quite a few problems with commas, spelling and grammar at times. If you don't have one, maybe it would be good idea for you to get a beta to help with that? It really makes everything so much clearer to you - I've had one before, and it was so helpful! :)

Your flow and pace is lovely, though - just spot on for this - and this was a good length for a prologue/first chapter with not all that much action in, to sort of set the scene, you know. I really liked this! It's such a good story and I'm so curious about where you're going to do this in the future and what you're going to do with it!

Please feel free to re-request! :)

Aph xx

Author's Response: If you are interested I have another story with Roger and Fleur. It is a role-play of mine put into story form. I am thinking of tying the two together with Roger retelling Victorie the story.

Hi this is me finally getting round to the heartjily's reviews. Sorry it took so long.
Overall I think this is a really cute fluff piece. It's a really nice idea and think it works really well overall. The opening paragraph is really good. It really sets the mood and makes you want to read more.

Victoire is a really sweet character. She seems so shy and insecure. And it only seems right she would think Davies good looking like her mother did. I'm curious as to who the girl who talked to her is. I mean, I know she is called Jessica, but who is she really? Maybe you could have expanded on her a little more.

I'm also curious as to how Fleur saved Davies life in the battle. maybe you could write a one shot about that? Would make an interesting read.

I actually think it's really short and would love to read more into this. It would really good if it was longer. I really like it :D

~Frances

Author's Response: Sorry for not replying sooner but thank you for the review.

Hello there!! Sorry for the late review.. My life was pretty hectic those last two weeks..

So back to the story.. For a first chapter I find it good and the light to read and the flow was really good.. I like the way you described Victoire-like a shy girl and all.. I hope she'll become a bit more confident afterwards..

Now a few things I would change a few things in your opening paragraph like the 'back to school season' bit.. I find it a bi odd.. Then you could change 'retelling' by 'sharing' or another verb if you want.. This will a better flow to the end of paragraph.. I noticed only a few grammar mistakes but nothing really bad..

So overall it was a pretty good opening chapter!! And pls don't take what I pointed out personally because it's only CC..

Well, I hope you'll post another update soon because I really want to see where you're going with this story!

Toodles,
kristyhes(gryffiefan)

Author's Response: Sorry for not replying but thank you for the review.

Thanks a lot for asking me to review this because I really did like it. It was so calming, and light to read.

It made me laugh when he said ' You can say our paths have crossed several times '

This was my favourite line

'While the young girl didn't see any of the looks, she certainly felt them'
because you really let the reader feel her emotions.

Some CC, so two things I would change from the first paragraph is take out 'season' and change 'retelling' to 'recounting' but that's just preference and it didn't take anything away from what was a great start to the story.

You could add some more description in some parts and here I think it would flow better if you took out 'she asked the Professor' since we already know who's talking and who she is talking to, it's good to mix it up sometimes. -

The young girls jaw dropped. "You... You know my name?" she asked the professor '

You used the number 20 instead of writing it, and it would look neater if you typed it.

That's it though other than a few grammar mistakes, you could look for a beta if you want and they'll help you out, they are so useful ! :D

Overall I really liked it, especially your characterisation of Victorie, when you write again please let me know I would love to read it!

I think this is a really good start to the story, and I like how you introduced a professor so early. The envy from the older girls to Victoire was evident and very realistic. Your dialogue is very easy-going and your description is very nice. In the very beginning you definitely had the best description. I also like your characterization of Victoire. Most people depict her as very snarky and a bit vicious, but I like her all sweet and innocent like this.

Other than that, I don't really have much to say. This was a pretty interesting start, and I am excited to read more. I'm looking forward to your re-request!

Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I never read any depictions of Victoire so it is sort of a surprise too learn that.

I have a number of paths this story can go so it might be a while before I continue with it, either it being a short story or even a series of short stories.

On a role-play site I play both Fleur and Roger (Professor Davies in case that fact was missed) which is why I have a bizarre affinity for writing them. I have a practice rp between the two that I thought could make a good short story or two (I can link the rp to you if you want).

Cool start! I will be interested in seeing where this goes, and whether Professor Davies tells Victorie how her mother saved his life

Plot flow seems good so far, and you've chosen next gen which is always a good choice as you play around with characterization which is neat :) Spelling and grammar doesn't seem too bad either, just a couple misspelt words here and there :) Perhaps a bit more description of the platform? What can Victorie see, what does the prefect look like? etc, but just a suggestion :)

All in all a good start! I'd like to see what happens next, so feel free to re-request!

Please respond to this review :)

Blondie

Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I have a number of paths this story can go so it might be a while before I continue with it, either it being a short story or even a series of short stories.

On a role-play site I play both Fleur and Roger (Professor Davies in case that fact was missed) which is why I have a bizarre affinity for writing them. I have a practice rp between the two that I thought could make a good short story or two (I can link the rp to you if you want).