Wherein can be
found theanonymous
texts of actual letters written to me, and
my answers in return. They are included because it has been
suggested that the discussions are of value. The letters are
presented as a rather loose, ongoing continuous dialogue between a hypothetical
questioner, and myself.

I am the daughter
of a Transgendered father. I am in my 20's,
and I only learned of her "other life" fairly recently. Our
family is extremely close, and we all support her as best we can. My
feeling is that I would not be the person I am today if I had not had
such an extraordinary father growing up, and that she would not have
been such a parent if she was not transgendered. In this sense, I am
grateful for who she is. She has not transitioned and is not sure if
she wants to, (although I think she eventually will), but she is
considering asking those of us who know about her to refer to her by
her feminine name and with feminine pronouns. I fully supportthis request, but I
have one concern. I have two very young daughters and a preschool age
neice who see their Grandfather almost every day. How can we deal
with the pronoun issue (until she is visibly a woman) so as not to
confuse or upset the girls as they get older? I really need some adviceon this matter, and
I appreciate any thoughts you may have. Thanks somuch!

In general,
with regard to children, a simple rule can be applied with regard to
dealing with the gender issues of a parent or guardian: Anytime But
Puberty. This is not absolute, for their are always exceptions, but
it is a safe rule for most families to follow. Here is a very
generalistic overview of the situation:

Children below
the age of puberty accept changes in pronoun, role, and sex in a
parent, guardian or relative much easier than any other age group.
Devoid of most prejudice, the accompanying shame, fear, and
humiliation that induces bigotry in humans, the very young child
accepts a change of sex designation usually with only two issues in
their hearts: "Will I be loved any less because of this?",
and "Will this happen to me, too?"

If the child
can be informed what is going on, within their ability to understand,
and are assured that the change will in no way affect their security;
that it will not affect the degree to which they are loved or cared
for, and that they are not going to have to go through such things
themselves (almost certainly, it's very, very rare) then the young
child faces transgender matters with aplomb.

Once puberty
approaches, so also comes the problems of approaching sexual maturity
and socialization. As children try to define themselves, and as they
are force-defined by their parents and by society, they inevitably
assume the bigotries, fears, and opinions that they are immersed in.
Added to this is strong insecurity and some uncertainty over the
changes they themselves are enduring, and the result can be some
surprisingly strong problems with the transition, or atypical gender
behavior of any person around them. Even subtle attitudes
become magnified though the distorting mirror of pubescent children,
and the pressure, taunting and sometimes violence of their peers can
lead to powerful issues regarding sex and gender. Puberty is the
second most difficult time for any child to handle a change of sex
designation in anyone at all.

Shortly after
puberty is the very worst time; teenagers are unrelentingly cruel to
each other -as you may remember- and social fears and embarrassments,
the need to comply with acceptable peer norms is at the highest
level. Not until adulthood does a person generally become
individualized enough to handle gender variations with some degree of
grace once more.

Now, as I said,
there are always exceptions. I have met teens who fiercely defend the
rights of minorities, including sexual minorities, and they tell me
that there are some places, some locales, where such thinking is
normal among their peers. However, I have heard from far, far more
teens that feel that any observed deviation from gender norms, by
themselves, or members of their families, would lead to their death
or mutilation. Some of these....have mysteriously stopped writing.

So, the
situation is, that if you live in an exceptionally liberal area or
region, you will have only minor problems with regard to your
children accepting and dealing with gender issues in the family. If
you live in a highly conservative region, then the above is very applicable.

In dealing with
your children, then, my advice is that at their young age, no matter
what the situation, they are at the optimal age to accept and suffer
no problem with, the transition, or potential transition, of a family member.

However, as
time goes on, the world around them could cause problems for them
because of a transgendered family member. Obviously, they will have a
much easier time if your parent can find a permanent and accepted
place on the gender spectrum.

However, one
must wonder whether this is for the good, for is your parent would be
made miserable by finding an acceptably polarized niche, then the
problem becomes complex. An obviously transgendered family member is
a dread embarrassment to most teens. This is a fact, even if it is an
unhappy one. Our society makes this so. And such amplified bigotries
can have physical consequences.

The bottom line
is that understanding and dealing with a transgendered relative
cannot hurt any child. But having an obviously transgendered family
member can attract savage cruelty to any child who attends public
school, or who is exposed to the vast majority of their peers. This
cruelty can be beyond vicious, it can even, sometimes, be fatal.

So your
question really cuts to the heart of the problem of being
transgendered in any degree within the world, and the issue of
prejudice and bigotry in society overall.

If I were a
child, I would fair much better with a relative who had completed
transition in my early childhood, and was totally passable in my teen
years and beyond. In such a scenario, I would suffer very little at
the hands of my peers, for there would be nothing to suffer for. I
would need not explain anything to anyone, for no one would be
curious or upset.

And that is
really the problem: other people's children; other people.

I do not like
all that I have written here. The politically correct thing is of
course to support all minorities in every circumstance. That is the
ethical path.

But the fact
is, kids can -and do- suffer because of the bigotries of others
outside the home. I always remember being a child, and a teen.

Finally, after
all of that, my advice to you:

Consider your
circumstances, your location, your local society and culture.
Consider the ramifications as the years go on, as you children
approach the difficult teen years. Consider what is your own ethical
code, and what you want to teach and be. Then choose the wisest
behavior with regard to your children, according to those factors.

I've been reading
some of your letters this evening, and wanted to
add something to your response to the woman who looked and moved
perfectly yet still didn't pass because of self-consciousness. I was
self-conscious for twenty years, during the time before I read about
us having female brains. That one little bit of information changed
my entire life!!! If I have a female brain, then I am a woman.
Granted, my body needs surgery to make me a normal woman, but a woman
none the less.

This simple change
of perspective takes all the shame and guilt out of transsexualism,
in my opinion. It's been about ten months since I first made this
discovery, but the memory of those first few days remain fresh in my
mind. Taking a long, hot bubble bath and shaving my legs, not feeling
it was a guilty pleasure, but something I, as a woman, had every
right to be doing. Walking down the street wearing makeup, heels, and
a dress, thinking to myself, "of course I'm wearing a dress -
I'm a woman, it's perfectly natural."

Since then, things
have happened to confirm that being accepted hinges entirely on
self-acceptance. I get called ''ma'am" by store clerks when I'm
in blue jeans and a t-shirt, with no makeup or bra on, and trust me -
I still have a long way to go with electrolysis and hormones before I
will have either a hairless face or noticeable breasts. On days when
I'm feeling low, my self-esteem suffers, I start to get a little
self-conscious again, and I get read no matter what I'm wearing or
how I walk or talk. The key there is to get plenty of sleep and not
drink too much alcohol. My health is good unless I abuse it.

Anyway, I know I'm
not telling you anything you don't already know, but I hope
presenting it all from this perspective is helpful next time somebody
writes to you wondering why it's so hard to pass. Feel free to use
this letter if you think it would do others out there any good.

This is
absolutely the case. 'Passing' is a very complex interaction of many
factors which are effectively 'computed' by the brains of other
people. The subtle cues in motion, voice, action, bearing, and
carriage that a body cannot help but express because of mood....be it
doubt and fear or self confidence and security....may arguably be the
single greatest factor that is used in the computation of perception.

This makes
rational sense: all animals have a serious evolutionary advantage if
they can assess the mood or disposition of any other creature. In
survival terms this is more important than even determining what
another creature in fact actually is, or even if what is seen is
another creature at all. Danger can come from inanimate things too.

One can see
that the brain is well developed to construct, to compute, a
hypothetical 'mood' or 'personality' immediately upon the
accumulation of sensory impressions. This is a possible explanation
for animism, the feeling that inanimate objects are alive, plotting
scheming or just being happy. The brain may compute the emotional
'mood' of a situation before total definition even begins. If this is
indeed so, information below the conscious threshold would be
certainly used. One example can be found in babies. Humans do have a
few instinctual responses, clearly hardwired into us: even a babe of
a few months will show fear of falling, if placed on a glass sheet
over an abyss, and will respond to any pattern of objects in the
familiar shape of 'eyes, nose, mouth'. We are hardwired from birth to
recognize such situations, even when we have no actual, experiential
knowledge of the world at all.

Passing is more
than appearance, it is to a great extent how one feels about one's
self. Appearance is not unimportant...it is a very significant
issue...but real confidence and security can outweigh a simply
astounding level of physical imperfections. This is the kind of
understanding that all T folk need to know to thrive.

I am in desperate need of help, I took your
cogiati test and scored a 465, (class 5). I am 14 years old and
have always known I should be female. I'm writing because I just
don't know how to tell my parents. I have talked to some people
online and they said it might not be necessary to tell anyone
yet. But I think it is, it's all I think about.
Also I've heard hormones work better when you are young, is that
true? Anyway, if you have any advice for me on telling
everyone please let me know.

Letters from
your age group are always the hardest for me to answer. I know how
much it hurts, and I know how long time itself feels at that age. At
39, where I am as I write to you, a year really does not seem very
long. But at 14, with so few years behind me for comparison, a year
seemed like forever!

I speak of
years, because that is the difficult part of my advice. Unless your
parents are pretty intelligent, rather clear and open minded, not
narrow, not overly religious or bigoted, it is likely that telling
them that you are transsexual would be....really bad. Possibly even
really dangerous. Now some young folks have succeeded, and gotten the
help they needed, but most -by far- who dared to tell, seem to have
had terrible consequences. I myself would probably have been killed,
had I truly pushed things. At 14, one is the captive of one's parents.

It is true that
if hormones are begun at a young age that the result becomes
increasingly perfect. Hormones started at 14 would make you a
perfectly flawless female, utterly as good a result as it is
physically possible to achieve. Problem is, if your parents are
narrow, you would never see hormones, and your future could be
grim...or even nonexistant. Better slightly imperfect, than not at
all. You need to carefully judge your parents, and your safety.

Now if you have
to just endure, lay low and hide your true self, except to trusted
friends, and survive until you have some power in your life, the
future could be very bright in only five years. At 18, you would have
some legal rights, but you would also have to deal with your own
survival in the world too. At 20, you could be in a situation where
you are on your own, supporting yourself, and be able to go through
transition without interference. Age 20 is only 6 years away. If you
can make it that long, you could own your life, and do what you need
to do.

If you could
have the support of caring, loving, decent parents, you would be able
to transition early. Only you can judge your parents, and your
safety. However, it is unlikely that this is your situation, since
the majority of parents, of people, are narrow, foolish, bigoted, and
unclear on what love and devotion really mean. The statistical
probability of having actually decent parents is very low. But if you
do....cherish them utterly, you are the most fortunate of the fortunate.

Examine your
situation. Judge your parents, act according to your own best
interests long term. That last bit is the most vital: long term. At
14, a year seems forever, but I assure you that is an illusion, a
mistake of judgement caused by a lack of perspective. Think about it:
all you have to judge time is however long you can remember being
alive, and for most people, the earliest memory is around five or
six. That means you only have around 8 or 9 years of memories to
judge time with. It is easy to get desperate and impatient, and feel
like a few years is forever, is too long, is terrible.

If you are
smart, you will live to be an adult, you will live to be 25, 35,
45....and on. You have many times your current life left to live, and
I can assure you it gets better. I am unbelievably happier at 39 than
I ever was at any age previous. I have more fun, more wealth, more
freedom, and more confidence than ever. And only now, am I
approaching the half-way mark in lifespan. Consider that. I have just
as long -barring accidents- left to go, as I have already lived.

Life is both
short, and very, very long. One thing is true always, though, the
length of years become less of a big deal the older you get.

My advice is
simple: if you cannot get what you want now, then wait. Endure and
prepare, then when you get the chance, do what you need to do as
young as possible and safe. The promise of getting your body fixed
only matters if you live to enjoy it.

So, judge your
situation, decide based on your expectation of safety, and if
necessary, endure until you can fix your life. You will still turn
out fine at 20, -I did!- which helps to know if you do have to wait.
If your parents are cool, though, avoid the special gender identity
clinics some states have for the young (they can be less than
helpful), and get help directly from a good general practitioner.
Contact the Ingersoll Center (top of my links page) for help, and
shop around with any doctors until you know you have a supportive
one. Doctors can have bigotries too... they are just folks, like
everyone else.

Be careful, and
think long term. This is your life, take it seriously and carefully.

I am a
pre-surgical TS, but i am trying to live a normal
life as a woman in the world. One thing I am having a very hard time
with is hiding my penis it seems to be my only dead give away. Is
there anything that can be done to hide the wretched thing?

The secret
is...'Tucking'! Tucking is the slang term for hiding the male organs
by pulling them backwards, between the legs, so that the penis is
'tucked' twixt the buttocks. The idea, is to bury the penis backward,
between the buttocks cheeks. It can be a bit uncomfortable, but it
works. If one can -I could pre surgery, for instance- it is possible
to gently push the testicles up under the skin over the pubic
bone...and hide them partly inside the body cavity. Of course, be
careful of anything that hurts too much, be sensible. But, it is
possible, by doing these things, to hide the genitals so effectively
as to be able to wear a swimsuit or catsuit and be undetectable.

A bit of
surgical tape can help, taping the organs in place, slightly tightly.
There are some cautions: don't do it for too many hours or chafing
can occur, sores from the pressure and the compression. Sitting down
must be practiced, because sitting too hard is equivalent to being
kicked in the groin. Ouch. Sweating and itching can also be problems.

This is the
technique used for generations by all sorts of people...from actors
to transvestites, to pre-op transsexuals. It is a 'traditional'
technique. It was even used by Louis 14, the king of
France....arguably a transsexual. Goes back a looong time.