His Take: “Am I Really His Fantasy Girl?”

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What does it mean if a guy tells you that every guy has a fantasy girl-next-door that he wants to end up with and that you’re his? The guy in particular is not really the smooth-talking type and we have too much back-story for it to just be a line, but is he saying that he sees it as a fantasy or as true feelings?

Without too much rehashing, this is someone I have known for 10+ years and have had crazy feelings for for more than half of that time. Since we have always been friends first and had major timing issues (living in different states/cities, being single at opposite times), it’s always been complicated for us to tell each other how we really feel. Still, he broke my heart once when we were kids and I feel like I can’t be sure of where he’s coming from. Any thoughts? — Fantasy Girl Next Door

DENNIS: It sounds to me like he’s crazy about you. I understand your hesitation, since he did break your heart once. But whether or not it’s time to forgive him depends on how you define “when we were kids.” Are we talking high school? Junior high? Kindergarten? I mean, I certainly hope I’m not accountable still for the stuff I did to the girls I liked as a kid (you know, hair-pulling, loogie-hocking, spitball-throwing, “kick me” sign-taping to the back, etc.). If I were, I’d never be able to get a date today. I certainly hope I’ve learned to treat women with more dignity since my days of cootie accusations.

My point is, you two grew up together. I just can’t imagine him saying what he did without meaning it, and I think you have to give him credit for having matured over the past 10 years. If nothing else, think about what he said: You’re his fantasy girl that he wants to end up with. I’d say that last part makes it pretty clear whether he sees it as a fantasy or as true feelings.

BITTER GAY MARK: Question 2) It means you should grow a pair of balls and ask the poor guy out. Could he possibly be any more directly indirect? As you say, this guy clearly isn’t a player. So, you have a long history with him, but the timing is often off… Hold on a minute, Sally? Is that you? Seriously, what is The Trouble With Harry? You want this guy. He says you’re his “Fantasy Girl Next Door.” Wait, what’s the problem? Oh, right. You’re worried about him breaking your heart. (Again.) Newsflash, he already broke your heart once — and guess what? You survived it!! Sure, having your heart broken sucks. Guess what sucks even more? Wasting your entire life pining and longing for somebody who is literally wasting away doing the same for you! You have nothing to lose, here. Seriously. That great friendship? It’s not healthy. Not if you are in love with the guy! Go for it!! Don’t let all of your cold feet doom you both to a life of wondering what might have been…

ERIK: I think most guys want to be able to act like friends sometimes with the person they’re dating. It’s rare that someone comes along who can be both a great friend and a great romantic partner. It seems like he’s trying to move your relationship to the next level, but it’s hard to say for sure. If you are interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with him then I’d take that as a pretty good signal that this would be a good time to go for it.

* If you’d like to ask the guys a question, simply email me at [email protected] with “His Take” in the subject line and I’ll pass your question along to them.

I hope it doesn’t mean he has some kind of Madonna-Whore thing going on, where you’re the girl he thinks about settling down to boring married life with…when he’s done having wild fun. (Not saying that’s the case. Just a concern when I hear things about settling down with the girl next door.)

It sounded a bit like that to me, as well. For LW’s sake I hope it just came out weird, but it does sound like the guy thinks he needs to “sow some oats” before settling with her (I HATE that notion!!!)

That was my first thought too… That he sees you as the “good girl” that he’d like to see himself settling down with…someday. And if he’s really into you and wants to have a relationship right now, then he should make it happen. I don’t think it’s up to you to try and make it happen when he’s already broken your heart.

Of course, the guys could be right, but this was my first reaction just based on what he said. It’s kind of a weird thing to say.

There’s a difference between fetish-fantasy and hope-for-the-future-fantasy. Does he want to sh*t on your chest and call you Cookie Monster? Or does he want to get married and have 2.3 kids? Figure THAT out, then act appropriately.

Ugh, every guy does NOT have a “fantasy girl”. It just sounds so barf-worthy. What happens when he discovers you fart, yell, complain, worry, leave dirty dishes out and do all the other things that normal human beings do? Do you want to spend the rest of your life on a pedestal, or with someone who treats you as an equal partner in life?

I am my current boyfriend’s self-proclaimed “dream girl/girl-next-door.” And I’m breaking up with him next month because we are just completely incompatible about so many things. (I’m waiting until after his finals, as he’s in grad school and works full time and we live together, so it will be a huge upheaval in our lives.) I love him and he loves me, and it just isn’t working. And I think that the image of me he built up in his head made this drag out so much longer than it had to, because when you’re someone’s dream girl, shouldn’t it work out? Sigh. I think its nice that he said it, but don’t let the expectations be set too high. (this is the second time “dream girl/guy” expectations ended in incredible heartbreak, due large part to those expectations).

I am not claiming that the problem was them. I said that part of the problem was unrealistic expectations of compatibility and perfection. I was warning her to be careful.

The first guy was very short, two months after 3 years of friendship, culminating in “FINALLY!” kiss. Within two weeks, people were asking when we were getting married. But reality is different: How can you fight with your soulmate/your dream guy/girl over not calling when they said they would, or hurting your feelings by doing X if they are supposed to be perfect? There was just so much pressure, so much “Ah ha!”, which is not real. This relationship, like all relationships have ups and downs, and fights and so on. And you love each other from afar, but who knows if you are truly compatible? The first relationship, we just couldn’t take all the pressure (“am I ok fighting about this thing for the rest of my life”; can i deal with his X forever? after 3 weeks aren’t healthy questions.)

The second is/was different. I am devastated; I thought I found someone I could be with forever. Someone who clearly loved me for me and could deal with all my shit. And yes, I didn’t like X, and yes, I didn’t like Y, but he loved me so much and I thought that loving me that much was enough. But then reality set in. And its been a slow process of realization about what I truly want and need. He was joking about proposing at 2 months, seriously talking about proposing at 8. And I could see so much confidence in his eyes, that we would work out, that everything would work out, that all the crap that was bothering me was something that we could get over, by loving each other. But it isn’t. And I wasn’t lying, or putting on some sort of charade or facade. I was trying. and loving him. I looked and acted, and on paper am, everything he’d ever wanted in partner, but ME, the actual ME just isn’t a good fit and he’s still fighting to make it work, and I’ve realized it never will. He couldn’t have known that before actually entering a relationship with me, and neither could I.

When someone enters a relationship that confident, before they’ve really evaluated YOU-in-a-relationship, they are not being totally honest with themselves. And the expectations of success and compatibility can be devastating, more devastating than if you had entered the relationship normal — feeling out fit, love, chemistry and compatability, because you want to believe that the problems aren’t as insurmountable as they are.

I realized after one year and 8 months together, that I didn’t want to marry him. This happened last weekend (5 days ago). He has finals for the next 3 weeks and is spending 17 hours a week at his job and the library (literally: he is out by 7am and home at 12pm). And the most selfish thing I could do right now would be to sabotage all he’s worked for all semester at a school to better “our future” is to upheave our lives right now when i can wait 3 weeks. I cry most days at work already and feel like a terrible person either way. I feel like I’m lying to him, but I know its worth it. And i love him. I truly, totally love him and miss him already. and I am hoarding every moment of time i get to spend with him now, because the following months are going to be a very very sad, lonely time and I cannot think about not being with him without losing my breath. But the option is get divorced in 15 years, and kick myself for not being stronger, and I can’t do that to us. or me.

I’m not sure why you were so mean in your tone, when, as someone who has had that happen, (especially with the first guy), I just wanted to tell her that the pressure of perfection/dream girl status can ruin a relationship if you don’t keep it in check. She wanted advice; I gave advice. Maybe people disagree, and maybe that’s where the thumbs down came from. But I also wanted to put it out in the world, that I’m doing this, so that i didn’t lose my nerve, and I think your response was very mean. Clearly I’m the common denominator and I know that, and I need to learn from that, and I have. But that was just mean.

Correction: 17 hours a day* (7 am -12 am at work and then the library.) i work 60-80 hour weeks, and we both work weekends. He’s 30 and I’m 28. The only time we see each other is for a half-an-hour before bed right now (it isn’t always like this, but its bad right now, with the push for finals). We also live together (for a year) and moved to a new place two months ago. Breaking up would mean finding a new place (for me at least, i’m not sure about him); figuring out what to do about our old lease, splitting up our stuff, actually moving, and dealing with the emotional aspect of it/figuring out where to stay in the meantime. I’ve had someone break up with me before an exam; it is incredibly cruel. It just isn’t fair not to wait the 3 weeks.

I wasn’t being mean. I was being honest. You wrote 138 words, 18 of them were advice. I understand you have a lot going on and you think your experience is relevant, but I don’t. I think you needed to get things off your chest and projected it onto the LW. You’re in a relationship that isn’t working. You can’t really put your finger on why it isn’t working but you’re scared because your boyfriend thinks things are working.

You said, “When someone enters a relationship that confident, before they’ve really evaluated YOU-in-a-relationship, they are not being totally honest with themselves.” That may be true, but it sounds like you knew this at eight months in your relationship, before you lived with this poor guy. Either you were lying to him or you were lying to yourself, hence FACADE.

I think the guy in the letter was just trying to express his interest in the LW, maybe poorly, but to equate one sentence he said to the fact that this potential relationship, from your experience, is doomed is mean, in my opinion.

If you had said that you didn’t think my experience was relevant to the situation, and that you didn’t think their relationship was doomed (neither do I, by the way), then that would have been being honest.

Saying: “So, with these two times, the common factor was … you? Hmm, question is, how long in these relationships did you keep on a facade?”

That is not (just) being honest. It was being snarky and mean. You may have felt I was projecting, and you thought my opinion was at best irrelevant, and at worst, misguided and “mean”. But you decided to respond in an acutely hurtful way. How else can someone take your words?

I did provide background for my advice, but my 18 advice-relevant words consisted of this: ” I think its nice that he said it, but don’t let the expectations be set too high.” I didn’t say it was doomed. I don’t think its doomed. I advised her to be careful, because my first experience was very very similar to hers, and if I had engaged in a little bit of expectation-management, that relationship would have been different and much better and happier.

As for my current situation, perhaps its less relevant and perhaps i did need to get if off my chest, and if it makes you feel better, I will apologize to the LW by wasting her time. I will apologize for wasting all of your times. But this place used to be a nice venue for putting your problems out there and getting support. Someone had an side-comment board about her husband in jail that did not directly answer the LW’s question, other people talk about their abusive fathers, and terrible boyfriends, etc., and the comments would meander down those discussions, and people would offer support, kind words, and occassionally tough love. Clearly I felt I had to talk about this, because it is eating me up inside and I actually found it providential that this question came in, because I found it relevant. Apparently others did not see it that way.

And considering this is probably the last time that I come here, a facade requires active deception/illusion. I was not putting on a facade. If I was lying to myself, I was unaware of it; I really thought that if I just loved him more and put more of myself into the relationship, then it would work out the way it was supposed to. I failed; it didn’t work. People write into wendy all the time looking for justifications for breaking up with great guys who they are incompatable with. I got their on my own, but it doesn’t make it easier, or make my relationship, my effort, my love, or the last two years of my life a lie.

You make a good point and often times people fall in love with the idea of a relationship rather than the person…but this guy has known her for 10 years…and only she knows the red flags that make this comment a cute thing or a skeevy / psycho thing so she needs to make that distinction.

I agree with that in theory. But in our lives right now, he just doesn’t have time to deal with it without incurring serious consequences from his performance in a very competitive program. Any time dealing with this would be taken away from preparing. And I didn’t realize I hate him, or can’t stand to be with him. I love him very much, but I realized that I don’t want to marry him, and there’s no point in continuing with a relationship. If i could freeze time, and not get older, I would keep dating him, but I can’t. But on the converse side of that, 3 weeks is nothing in the scheme of our relationship, nothing in the scheme of our lives, and everything in the scheme of his performance at school.

I really wish some of the thumbs down lurkers would explain their opinion. Is it because they disagree and think its mean to wait? Or is it a general disapproval of me? I understand when you post opinions, people disagree. I don’t get when you post your life, people thumb down and don’t explain. This site used to be less hurtful.

I just disagree because, to me, it is FAR worse to feel like a fool than it is to break up. I don’t care how distracted you both are, or what’s going on, if you spend the next 3 weeks operating under the expectation that your relationship is over, he is going to notice. You will say or do tiny little things, or not say or do tiny little things, that will make him uneasy. So on top of all his previous stress, there will be a bad feeling in the back of his mind about the relationship. PLUS, you get a 3-week head start on “getting over it,” which will hurt him a LOT after the breakup. Believe me, I know. It’s awful to know that the other person is getting over everything way faster than you are because they made up their mind weeks ago and have already basically done the grieving process. You feel like you were used. No matter how much you love your fiance, you are, from here on out, deceiving him and living a lie. Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand why you’re doing it, and maybe in your shoes I’d make that decision too, but having been on the opposite side of things? Don’t wait.

He is not going to notice if he’s prepping for comps. He is home for half an hour a day. In general it is not nice to stay with someone a long time after you know it is over, but there are times when it is BETTER to wait. You wouldn’t advise tower_of_fair to break up right away if her boyfriend were attending his parent’s deathbed, for example. This is definitely one of those kinds of times times.

Finals are not equal to the death of a parent. I don’t care what kind of crazy, all-encompassing test/comp/qualification it is. If you think they are, you have some serious issues. I’m not exaggerating at all.

Anyway, like I said, I understand why she’s waiting, but if I was her boyfriend, I’d want to go ahead and know now.

I didn’t say that “finals” were the same as the death of a parent. I said that a PhD comprehensive exam is–like another serious crisis point in one’s life, such as a parent being about to die–one of those times when one should not initiate a breakup if one can WAIT a few days or weeks and not add to your partner’s burdon.

You try to imagine one test which could end a career path which you spent 4-8 years prepping for. When I take my exam in three weeks, I will have worked towards it for ten years since finishing college. To initiate a breakup before that, when it is NOT NECESSARY (the wedding is not in the next three weeks), would be cruel and unloving.

I don’t think you understand the context I am discussing here, or you would not accuse me of having serious issues.

You are 100% correct. Prelims, comps, quals whatever are unbelieveably stressful. If you fuck up, you may be fucked permanently. And unless you’ve lived it, you have NO clue. Silver dragon girl, have you completed a doctoral program?

And by the way, my mother died during my PhD and it was bad. But fucking up a prelim could be worse in the long run.

And, by the way, I have lost a parent to cancer, and if a boyfriend had dumped me during the last days and weeks of his life, I would have naturally been far more upset than if one dumped me right before my comps.

But I certainly also took note when my ex-boyfriend *waited* until after he finished his *own* exams before behaving in an outrageous and cruel way which forced a break up, with much heartbreak and difficulty, just before MY exams. That’s not very loving behavior.

It’s not better, though. How long are you supposed to wait? If you break up with me the day AFTER my birthday, I’d know you wanted to break up with me ON my birthday, and I’d feel like an idiot. If you wait a week I’d assume the same thing, It would have to be 2+ weeks before I wouldn’t know exactly what had gone on, and feel like an idiot, and 2 weeks is basically stringing someone alone. I know I’m taking an unpopular position here, but the only person whose feelings it spares is the person DOING the breaking up, so they don’t feel guilty about it. The dumpee is going to feel like complete shit either way.

Why doesn’t the dumper gauge what kind of reaction it would have, and what sort of immediate impact it would have on the person? Why shouldn’t it be judged on a case-by-case basis? Why shouldn’t the dumper evaluate how negatively it would impact the dumpee’s life, and when would be the best time to do it? Why don’t they take into account what the person would prefer?

Sure, there’s a chance the boyfriend might be pissed the girl had these feelings for about a month before she acted on them. You know what would probably make him even MORE upset? Getting broken up with AND failing school.

Right. I get you, but she’s dead set on breaking up. She’s past the “should I stay or should I go” phase. In that case, I wouldn’t want to prolong it any more. I just think its kinda mean. That person is there thinking everything’s alright, even if things aren’t, & they don’t know what’s coming, they think they’re “working it out.”

It may not be finals, it may be comprehensive exams for a Ph.D., at his age. Those are serious. I’m studying for mine, which will also end in three weeks. If you fail to pass twice, you are kicked out of my program–and there go years of work. No degree. No career as a professor. And all after 3 or 4 years of coursework. The stakes are VERY high, and tower_of_fair is absolutely doing the right thing in this circumstance to WAIT until the exams are finished.

I completely agree with this. It’s not like she’s waiting for him to complete an arbitrary assignment. If it was just some test for an undergrad class, than I’d say don’t wait, but I get the impression that there’s a lot more at stake with his examinations.

I think part of the reason so many people are rubbed the wrong way by it though is that she seemed so cavalier about it. It would be different to be talking about it, say six months from after the fact. But the fact that she’s going to break up with him in a month didn’t support her advice that the LW should tread softly. To me, it just seemed like bragging about the fact that she’s a good person because she’s waiting to break up with him for a more convenient time for him. I know the internet is all anonymous and all, but could you imagine how crushed this guy would be if it got back to him that his girlfriend, the one he was planning on proposing to, was plotting a break up in a month?

Just for the record: I’m not cavalier about this at all. I thought if i said it in a straight-forward way and put it out into the internet, then I would be somehow bound to do it and couldn’t chicken out. Because I don’t want to break up with him. I really really don’t. I love him so much and it kills me that there are so many reasons why we won’t be happy together in the long run. I hate that I know this now and I have no idea what to do for the next 3 weeks. If i tell him now, he’ll fail. If I wait, I’m lying. I know this. I know I’m lying. I know when I cry when people break up on a tv show, and he thinks its cute and hugs me and I die a little inside because that’s not why i’m crying. My sister keeps saying to look at this month as a decision making time, and that I haven’t decided and that way, I’m not a horrible person, but it isn’t true. Either way I am. I just thought if I could make it so I couldn’t turn back, if I committed to it by saying it outloud, then it would somehow become easier, and I would somehow be less of a coward. But that’s not how its working out.

Obviously this is very divisive, but tower_of_fair probably knows better than us which is the better option in her particular situation, and has obviously already decided on what she needs to do, tower_of_fair I’m sorry that you’re hurting and that there’s really no advice or help that any of us can give in this situation, but try your best to stay strong during this time and good luck

I’m sorry about this dog pile that seems to be heaped on top of you (in addition to how sad you must be feeling right now) So, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for what you’re going through and (even though it clearly doesn’t matter what I think) I DO think that your decision is for the best.

My bf is in a PHD program as well, and dumping right before his orals is probably the worst thing I could do to. Showing him this level of kindness is the RIGHT things to do.

I have read this entire thread, and I don’t understand where the hell “cavalier” came from in reference to tower_of_fair. She wrote multiple-paragraph comments about agonizing and analyzing this decision, and expressed multiple times her love and respect for her bf. Cavalier? are you serious?

Anyway. I can kind of see both sides in this issue. But I haven’t lived it. So I’m not going to pick a side. AnitaBath asked why things like this couldn’t be a “case-by-case” issue. I wholeheartedly agree.

(And, for the general record, I also agree that things have gotten a little snarky as of late. Simmer down errybody.)

Maybe I am the only one who sees it this way, but to me it seems like he is trying to keep her on his hook. Obviously he knows that she likes him, and I’m going to guess he is a player. So later on, when he hasn’t found anyone else, he can come back and she will be waiting for him, because she is his fantasy.

Look LW, if he really likes you, then he should have the cajones to ask you out.

Hypothetical scenario: he has asked her out before…and she has said no because of the unspoken heart break situation when they were “kids” (huge age range) and now he makes the comment the LW wrote in about and she wants to know if she should finally give in.

Over think much? I can’t believe you had to write in over this….if he isn’t a player…and you’ve known each other for a long time…and he says that your HIS “girl-next-door” I would say… go out with him? That is one of the best compliments a guy can give a girl. He thinks you are hott and have the personality to seal the deal – that is what it means. Don’t morph it into something it isn’t because he chose Cindy over you in 5th grade when she was better at climbing the jungle gym.

Lol. Loved the “I can’t believe you had to write in over this.” Exactly my first thought when I read the question.

How can you tell if it’s just a fantasy or his true feelings? Uh I dunno. Ask him? Just because you find it complicated to share your true feelings doesn’t mean that it’s impossible to do. Time to relate to each other as adults instead of kids. He was able to share his feelings with you. I don’t understand why you can’t ask a question if you don’t quite understand what he’s telling you.

1) He truly meant it, and you should give him a second chance (you may even live “happily ever after” *laugh*)
2) He’s trying a new line to see if it will get you in the sack (yep, I’ve heard that line once, and then he even flew from another state to see me – just for a damned romp in the hay; which he didn’t get).
3) He’s in some sort of program and is in the “confession” stage (but usually they preface the confession with admitting to being in some sort of program and in that stage…).

Madonna has been saying — and proving! — that women can have balls for decades now…

Also, to clarify — the “Question 2)” was an editing error on Wendy’s part. In that we often answer these questions in batches of two. Or maybe I wasn’t clear, but the Question 2 thing was just me saying here is my answer to the second question…