Friday, November 22, 2013

Thursday, July 21, 2011

So, yeah. The whole "not getting the job" thing has me really thinking. (see previous post) Exactly WHY was I feeling so down in the dumps? Well, I tell ya, it was all VAIN...to NO purpose. Why is it that being rejected by men seems to get me down?

It's totally pride. So sad. I remember a time (many years ago) when I walked into a financial institution for a studen loan, and was offered a job...more than once this happened. Or a time when many friends were struggling, for months, to secure a job at the foreign army post, and I decided to give it a try and was hired on the spot. Yeah, I felt bad for my friends, but I confess, there WAS an element of pride.

That same job that I was so proud to attain...I QUIT two months later because I couldn't stand leaving my 2 year old with a babysitter. Darren was a bit upset because the extra money really did help, but I just wanted to mother my child MYSELF. I'd quit my career only a couple of years earlier when I found out I was pregnant with our first. Why was I, again, seeking a career? I wanted to be a FULL time momma. I wanted THAT for a career. It wasn't even a conviction...it was a natural STRONG desire. I hadn't been taught that God commands women to be keepers at home...all my "Christian" friends and relatives had careers...it was (IS) the thing to do. But I couldn't get past my desire to raise my own child. I wanted to be there for all of her achievements. I didn't want to miss one milestone. I didn't want to miss one "INCH" stone!

So, needless to say...looking back to the past week....well, I'm a bit alarmed that those negative feelings of self worth were so strong. Shame on me. I chose the more excellent way many years ago.

This is all to preface the objective of this post: I LONG TO EXCEL!!!

Of late, that word ("excel") has been on my mind. My life's verse is found in Proverbs. In the fourteenth chapter and first verse, the Bible says: Every wise woman buildeth her house, but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.

I LONG to excel in this wisdom that is necessary to build my house. But I find myself so very lacking. Let me just say, I've a mind to continue seeking wisdom AND seeking to excel.

I Corinthians 12:7-8 tells me that the Spirit manifests Himself in our lives in different ways. It goes on to speak of different gifts, but the ones that reach out to me have to do with the mouth. "Word of wisdom" and "Word of knowlege": these phrases stick out to me, for I long to have this type of tongue.

Towards the end of the chapter, I am told to covet earnestly the best gifts, and later on in chapter 14 of the same book, I'm admonished to seek to excel to the edifying of the church.

In between these two chapters is the famous LOVE chapter: I Corinthians 13. Although I'm to covet the best gifts (gifts that EXCEL to the edifying of the church), I'm told there is a MORE EXCELLENT way! It says that even if I have all of the gifts, if I don't have charity (love), I am as vain as the beauty of tinkling cymbals...I have only OUTWARD and EMPTY works!

Last night, my daughter, Kelsi, picked up on a treasure from her Dad's preaching. Pastor Martin has been preaching on Jonah for the past few Wed. evenings. He talked about how unstable Jonah was. Chapter four of Jonah opens up with Jonah being angry. Later on, in verse three, we see his self pity. He went from grief to gladness in verse six, only to return to self pity in verse eight! But it doesn't end there, because his anger returns in verse nine. Whew! And I thought I had problems with moodiness?!?

Continuing on with my thoughts: Bro. Martin pointed out others who were unstable, and Reuben was one example. His father, Jacob, says in Genesis forty-nine of his oldest son, "Unstable as water thou shalt not excel." (insert here an emoticon with huge, surprised eyes and an opened, astonished mouth!)

Kelsi went on to bring up the idea that he wouldn't excel BECAUSE he was unstable as water. Bro. Martin then went on to mention verses about "double minded" men and mouths that bring forth both "blessing and cursing". (It really WAS a great time in the house of God last night!)

The conclusion: I'm not quite sure yet (?) You see, I'm ALWAYS needing to "stick my foot in my mouth." I HATE that! I LONG to have those gifts of wisdom that are mentioned above. I LONG to excel, but can often be so unstable (moody) in my emotions.

BUT, brothers and sisters in Christ, I rejoice in the fact the my Jesus, who began a good work in me, WILL perform it until his day. (Phil. 4:6)

AND SO, I continue to earnestly covet the best gifts so that I may excel to the edifying of the church. I continue to ask wisdom of God who giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not. I continue to beg for wisdom to be the wise woman that builds my house...GOD FORBID that my very own hands would be responsible for tearing down those I love the most here on this earth!

Monday, July 18, 2011

It is the eleventh hour and I should be in bed snuggled against my man. But, here I sit on this computer playing...of all things...I'm ashamed to admit...Spider Solitair. Can we say "idle time"? How many other things could this homeschooling momma of 6 and pastor's wife be doing? Hey! I could be blogging, for Homer's sake! (why do we always use "Pete"?)

Getting ready for another busy school year. We've had company for the past TWO months (PLUS) and are expecting company again next month for our mission's conference. Then the month following AGAIN for our family rally. Can you say, "busy"?

Okay...so this past week I applied for a job online. I know...I know! No need to say what's on your mind...no matter who you are, I've probably thought the same things...hey, probably even spoken aloud to meself about them! (yes, and even ANSWERED myself....now you know..I'm really crazy!)ANYHOO....I didn't get the job. Talk about "bustin' mah bubble"! Now, I've been struggling with the "low self esteem" thing for the past couple of days. I have been in denial about these feelings, but, why so? God knows my heart...and now you do on the matter!

Why was I wanting to work?....I got this grand idea that I'd work to earn extra money for braces for a couple of the kiddos. Really, Tina! You knew better! And God confirmed it and put me in my place! Yay, God! :) I really am thankful.

So, you'd think it'd be my teen aged children struggling with their self esteem. But, NO! It's theirmiddle agED momma. Thoughts like: What have you accomplished with your life, Tina? A: Nothing. What have you EVER started and finished, Tina? A: Nothing! (Consider this blog for instance....nearly a YEAR since I've posted?!?! I can still hardly believe it.) Are Darren's clothes even ready for the morning, Tina? A: NO, they are not.

Silly thoughts that I've secretly rebuked other folks for voicing...CRAZY thoughts, because AFTER ALL, God loves me, I AM SAVED by the blood of Jesus! :) :) I have an AWESOME marriage and six great kiddos. WHY allow myself to dwell on such things? I chose this life, and I'm glad I did. Are there things I'd have done differently? Absolutely. But, I learn as I go along. My older kiddos have a testimony of loving my Lord and often freely express their own desire to serve Him. They have missed so much of this world's emptiness, because of my choice to "miss" so much.

SOOOOO, GET THEE BEHIND ME, SATAN!!! I have chosen the most excellent ways! >: l

Now, I'm going to my comfy cozy bed and snuggling next to my darlin's warm body in my airconditioned bedroom that's in my awesome house that sits on a beautiful property on the edge of a small town with a beautiful view of the rolling hills and farm land...

AFTER I shut out the lights, lock the doors and windows, and get them kiddos into their own beds!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

...and I'm striving to be a virtuous woman, but I must confess, I'm totally lacking in this area of patience.

When the Preacher surrendered to the ministry, I wanted to know WHAT ministry, WHERE were we going to live, WHEN we were going to be sent out, and HOW it was going to all come about.

When he knew that he would be a church planting missionary, I wanted to know WHERE! As we traveled around to other churches in the mid-west (at least we had that pin-pointed...?) I was ready to settle in every town that needed a church. Every church, it seemed, that we visited, wanted us to go the "So-and-so" town (the need is great) and I earnestly prayed for that town. "YES!" I was thinking..."Let's go there." Next church: "YUP! That's the place."

HOW in the world was God going to let us know where we were going to minister??? Good, solid, Bible believing churches were needed all over the USA. Was the sun going to burst through the clouds in the distance, and a bright beam point the way (while the symphony music played in the background...lol).

I WANT TO KNOW NOW!!! YESTERDAY!!!

Have you ever just had a feeling that something (or someone) was right, and it JUST WASN'T HAPPENING??? O KAAAAAAY already! WHEN is it going to happen?!?!????

**sigh**

Oh, how VERY thankful I am for God's Word!!! (And for my awesome, STEADY, patient man...oh how I love that man!)

Friday, August 6, 2010

Melanie turned 13 in June. Actually, she turned 13 (you'd think) about 5 years ago...lol. She was my smallest baby weighing in at a whopping 7lb. 13oz. (compared to my 11 and 12 pounders). I remember crying to Darren because her eyes were soooo big...I thought for a while that she had Down's Syndrome. It's so funny now that I think of it...I even had Darren worried. She was a joy from the get go!

I don't have too many infant pictures of her. When she was born, we had a lot of stress in the family because Darren had just gotten out of the military, and we moved out into the civilian world. I have some floating around somewhere, but I can't find them at the moment. Kelsi was so thrilled to finally have a little sister. She dressed her when it was time to leave the hospital. You'd never know today that she was so excited about a sister. Those two fight like cats and dogs... :(

Melanie was so prissy from the very beginning. We'd say, "Mel, Prissy Prissy!" and she'd pick up her shoulders and do a little dance. It was sooo cute. She played with her baby dolls, stopping only long enough to take a fishing trip with her Dad and brothers. She'd soon tire of it, and head back to the baby dolls. She did change her clothes a whole bunch. We used to call her "Mrs. Bagget" (after an older lady at the nursing home who could be found by following a trail of stolen clothes) Her song: Here comes Mel Mel, hopping down the Mel Mel Trail...Lookin' to the left, lookin' to the right...makin' sure aint nobody in sight!" (Sung somewhat to the tune of Peter Cotton Tail)

A couple of years after she was born, she got a real live baby doll when Timothy was born. I've a picture of her somewhere holding him in the hospital. She has always been the little momma.

Here she is again a few years later with little Abby. This picture tells so much about her personality: The little prissy momma! :)

She was too young to be embarrassed by her snaggle tooth appearance. Mel has always been so joyful. It's rare when she's not captured with a smile on her face. If the pictures could talk, you'd hear her laughter.

This photo shoot began her interest in photography. She's began playing around with computer photography programs and seems to have a real talent. (I'll post a couple of her photos in a future blog) Melanie is a "get-r-done" type of gal. Just yesterday we were putting contact paper down in the church cabinets. She worked circles around me, but I had to stop her and tell her that details were important in this job. She'll do her school work so diligently, and will actually do it correctly, but it will not be the neatest work. Another amazing quality about her, is that she remembers where just about everything is. When we are missing something, we ask her and are absolutely amazed when she leads us to it. Cell phones, keys, MP-3 players, glasses, wallets...she remembers where she saw them! She's going to be a blessing to some guy some day....an awesome help meet.

She adds such an element of joy into the house with her "blonde ways", her light hearted mood, and her giggle. "They" say that 13 is a rebellious age. I've not experienced it with her (nor any other of my kiddos). Quite the contrary: they are becoming more and more of a joy.

Happy Birthday, Melanie Aubyn. I love you with amazing love, and am so thankful to know that God loves you MORE THAN THAT!

Monday, May 10, 2010

James turned 15 in March. I've not had the time to blog, but decided to MAKE time tonight, or it'll never get done. In the picture above, I had a horrendous headache. It's funny the memories I'm having. I wasn't going to post, but I'm gonna! I know that one day we are gonna look back at all of these "funnies" and marvel at the miracle of James! :) He was delivered by c-section, and the shot in my back ended up giving me a BAD spinal headache. I can say that TRULY, he was a pain from the VERY beginning!

Wasn't he sooo cute?!? (Oh how I miss my baby days!) Right from the get go, James was "all boy"! Someone once told me, "Well, if you're gonna have one (a boy), then that's the kind you wanna have!" (ha ha) He loved his momma (still does!...has a special name for me: Marmie!) Can you believe that this cute lil' guy is the ONLY baby I've ever "lost it" with? Really! One night he was crying and crying and crying. I was sooooo soooo tired, got up, walked to that crib and "yanked" that baby out of the crib to nurse him...He was startled into silence (that ONLY lasted a fraction of a second), then REALLLY let it out. I started bawlin' right with him because I felt so bad for "losin' it". Poor guy. Little did I know he'd be the biggest lil' stinker throughout all his growin' days...(hind sight is 20/20!)

I see each picture and think, "Now, isn't that just CUTE?!?!?" (I may be a bit biased, but I don't think so!) How could one little buster be so cute and loving one minute, then turn around and be a GREAT BIG STINKER!

O.K. now....here's an example. The guy is playing with his pocket knife, and stabs himself! I tried so badly not to show my "momma panick" (I think I did a GREAT job!) That knife went smack through his thumb...IN the top, OUT the bottom! BTW, we didn't have insurance (I was praying that he'd not get tetanus!) My mom and dad flipped (it WOULD have to happen at their house!). These are the kinds of things the boy puts me through! Bike ramping OVER my head! Flipping into the swimming pool and off the trampoline...climbing to the tip-top of the tree...bringing in the snakes and collecting the tadpoles. (He once had a "tad-pole farm" of over 500! Nana was priviledged to host them on her front porch, ya know! Boy, what a sight when they all started turning to frogs!) Oh, how I'm going to miss all of this one of these days!

What boy doesn't like to hunt and fish? I told my boys from the get go that they'd not shoot anything that they'll not eat. I don't know WHAT KIND of bird it was that was cooked in the oven and came out smaller than a pecan! (ha ha!) Yup! I made him bite off the meat and chew away!...YES he swallowed it! I put a fear of guns into them, too. Darren and I pulled up pictures of gun-shot wounds off of the internet and made them look at them before they could carry even a BB gun! He's been outside traipsin' the woods ever since! He did have his gun taken from him for a good while once....he threatened to shoot Timothy's toes off!

I remember once when he came up to me to give me a hug I had to tell him, "Not so tight!" He said, "Ok, Marmie!...no bear hug this time." Then he put his arms around me and said, "Cub Hug!" (Melts my heart just thinkin' of it!...truly! :) He's a lot of tender and a bit o' tuff! And I've been blessed to receive so much tender care from him! My Jamie! :)

What a worker this kid is! Weeeeeellll....He's not too good in the kitchen...more specifically, with the dishes. He HATES to be inside. He would live out doors if we'd let him. He loves yard work, keeping the vehicles clean, working on his pens - keeping the fences secure,...WHATEVER he can find to do outside that's productive, THAT's what he likes. How very pleased I am with his work ethics!

The boy can also have us rolling around in stitches! He can be soooo funny!

I know that one day, we'll look back on James's childhood days with laughter. So mischievous, the boy was. He's growing out of it now (THANK GOD!...those seemingly "useless" spankins' are payin' off!) We'll wonder, "How in the world did such a ornery boy turn out to be such a fine fella?!?"

I love you, Jamie my boy! You are a great source of joy to your momma! Keep lovin' and servin' Jesus...keep "weddin in yuda wan!" (That's the way he used to sing "Dwelling in Beulah Land"...in a deep little husky voice...sooo cute!)

Thank you, God, for my Jamie! Give us wisdom with the few years left that we'll have him in our home.

Friday, February 26, 2010

What a GREAT week! :) God is good and His promises are SURE! How firm a foundation! :)I am so blessed! On the homefront things are sweet. I'm so glad that Bro. Mart and I stuck things out when things were rough.

As I read back through my posts, I realize how "ideal" my life seems. (And it IS so good! :) But, speaking for the naive readers, we do have our "issues", as every family does. I just haven't felt "ok" posting any of them. I often think of what a blessing it would have been to me to learn of how other ladies overcame the way God has taught me. And yet again, don't get me wrong. Sometimes I have to pray, "Dear Lord, PLEASE help me to never get stupid and just walk away from all I know is right." does that shock you? When I feel that way, immediately the question enters my mind, "WHERE is there TO go? I mean, there's NO other place that's as good as where I am." :) (Satan's a jerk!...tempting women to leave the sanctity of our homes!) I don't have the wisdom to communicate the "problems" in an appropriate way...make sense? Also, I don't mind telling MY faults, I'm just not sure how Darren and the kiddos would feel with my "sharing" their faults...lol.

I should be journaling instead of blogging, eh? That-a-way I'd be able to go back and "share" later on...? Gotta go journal :)...