Food is my emotional outlet help

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My family has always been enthusiastic about food (but they aren’t all overweight or anything,) so as a result I was always fed more and encouraged to eat. Thinking back, even when I was happily playing or involved in some activity without feeling hungry or thinking about food, I would be brought a snack of some sort while being sternly told “eat something”. So I ate it. So being taught to enjoy lots of foods, growing up I had a large appetite.

When I was 13 I was around 11 stone. At 14 my self-esteem plummeted and I began restricting food, reaching 105lb and losing my period completely. I later gained weight after my mum kept pressuring me to do so, and because I had been forced to move schools, which was extremely traumatizing as my whole life I had only ever been at one school, that being a private school, and I had to change to a much larger state school.

I should also mention that I have body dysmorphia and social anxiety. So when I moved schools I made no new friends purely due to my fear of everyone and low self-esteem. I suppose that’s why I tried to eat more, by filling a void which was usually filled by social interaction (even my friends from my old school began cutting me out when I’d become really skinny before I left, saying I was being really ‘quiet’ and ‘boring’).

I did eventually make one good friend there, as she was the only one who didn’t wait for me to talk to her. I felt happier, but while I thought my eating habits were healthy, I was still restricting through the week(though not to the same extent as before) and then bingeing on saturdays.

After GCSEs my mum jumped us with the announcement that she’d got a new job in a new city. As soon as she told me I was completely repelled to the idea of moving, and began eating a bit more in the summer holidays while we were moving house.

I tried to think positively about everything when I started sixth-form, and tried to be more outgoing and smiley etc. but it hardly lasted. This was last September and I still have no friends. To add to this, our new house is literally a minute walk away from about five supermarkets, making it easy for me to buy food after school. The last time I weighed myself I was 138lb, and I know this isn’t right, but I wish I was 105lb again. But I can’t even go running like I used to as my knee has been injured for a while.

I’ve spent several days off school solely due to feeling too fat and I feel horrible in all my clothes. The school has given me several warnings and has now sent me a letter saying my attendance is being monitored. The targets I’ve been given for my subjects are all A’s, and I want those grades too, but whenever I start writing all I can focus on is how my fingers used to be skinny, which they are now not.

2 Answers

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My mum has suffered with the same kind of issues with food and has been through the different extremes of weight and has always tried to avoid the subject even though it was affecting her mental and physical health. However, recently she has been going to a councillor who has been changing the way she feels about food and has helped her transition to a healthy state.. The reason I'm telling you this is because it has worked wonders and has started to reverse years of eating disorders and I would definitely recommend it as it sounds like it's really taking over your personal life. Make sure you reach out for help instead of letting it get the better of you. Good luck in the future and remember that you are beautiful no matter what and you've been very brave with what you've been through already. Stay strong<3

This is a serious eating disorder that many people battle with all the time, unfortunately. I do care about you, and I do feel for you. My advice to you is counseling as well as caring. Try to seek help from people you can trust such as a counselor. Secondly, caring for yourself as well as being organized with your daily habits is key. In order to do this, it's important to exercise self-control. That's the hardest thing ever, but it's attainable, I promise. :) Set goals for yourself, and slowly achieve them ; even if you fail along the way. never beat yourself up for a relapse ; it's natural. Good luck, beautiful. <3 You are loved, remember that. PS- Your size WILL NEVER determine your worth ; no matter who you are. Focus on school, and focus on building a great path for yourself. <3 -Ivy

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