Apple offering free weapon to scare away Bono

Police departments in cities all across the country are being overwhelmed by calls about the Irish rock legend showing up uninvited in homes.

Admitting it was a mistake to let Bono into the homes of 500 million iTunes users, Apple says it is giving customers a small wooden club that can be used to scare away the U2 frontman.

“In all honesty, we thought people would like having the biggest music legend of all time creep up from behind their sofas to perform songs from the hot new album ‘Songs of Innocence,’” said Apple CEO Tim Cook. “Who doesn’t love U2’s mind-blowing rock, and Bono’s brash showmanship and hip, politically-charged lyrics.”

“He perfectly matches the ethos here at Apple, where we have a take-no-prisoners approach to creating innovative products that please everyone.”

The decision to send the 18-inch club to any iTunes users who requests one was a swift response to the flood of complaints from consumers who were startled in the middle of the night to find Bono picking through leftover food, or sitting on their toilets reading the latest issue of “Field & Stream.”

One woman from Indiana nearly killed Bono when she fired a .357 Magnum at the singer after discovering him using her basement computer. Even as he ran out the door, she says, Bono kept insisting his sudden appearance in her home was perfectly legal.

“He was trying to dash off though my backyard, but because I’d grazed his leg, he was limping pretty badly,” said the victim, who asked not to be named. “And he had this really sad, hurt expression as he turned to me and shouted, ‘It’s in the Apple user agreement, I swear!’”

“I’m going to see if I can sell the wooden fence slats on eBay,” she added. “They’re covered in his blood.”

Apple is reassuring all iTunes customers that in the future, the company will ask permission before sending Bono or any other musician in their homes.

“We really respect our the privacy of our customers, and we’re confident that by waving the free plastic billy club at Bono and saying something like ‘get out, now,’ he’ll apologize and promptly make an exit,” Cook said. “He’s not a threat. He’s not dangerous. He wanted to share his music, that’s all.”