July 17, 2007

Today, This Week in Sex is This Week in Panties. That means if you want to know about the world's largest penis, you'll have to come back later. Curious about the effects of semen chemistry on women? If there were panties in that story, we could talk about it. Now you'll never know about how women exposed to semen are less depressed, except when they come down from their spunk addictions, which apparently is a drag.

And definitely no talk about the fat chihuahua who went on a diet but is still a fat chihuahua. I know that doesn't have anything to do with sex, but christ, that's one motherfucking fat chihuahua.

Dirty laundry. If, like me, you often find yourself waking up to the sight of your bra hanging from the ceiling, an empty bottle of wine rolling under the bed, and the guy next to you wearing your panties, you'll wonder where the makers of the Tagalongs Panties hid the video camera to make this commercial for their disposable underwear. via AdRants

May 29, 2007

"Feel the rush" of the G-Shot, a collagen shot in your G-spot that increases sexual pleasure. Makes me feel all tingly inside just thinking about it. Results may vary. "The site lists 68 risks that are associated with the procedure, ranging from bleeding to nodule formation," says one news report, but I didn't count. Nodule formation is hot.

You call it clothes optional, I call it sunburn guaranteed. British nudists are planning a "clothes optional" charity trek. They'll only take their clothes off if it's hot, which is kind of wussy. Commit, naked people!

"Nude people could pop up anywhere" in Vermont, which has no state law against nudity. Last year groups of young people caused a stir by stripping naked in a downtown parking lot. This year there's been a sighting of a dude who danced nude on a downtown street while "performing acts of lewdness involving his genitals." Vermont, talk to Alabama. They wouldn't put up with this crap. They'd blow that guy's nuts off with a rifle.

Nude man statues
are all over London. A woman comments, "He's uglier than I thought he
would be." Keep your expectations low, honey, any you'll never be
disappointed when the clothes come off.

Nudists are old. No one wants to join their crazy cult and get bug bites. Wonder why? I blame the internet. And the fact that people are uglier than you thought they would be.

USB Humping Dog. You know why dogs lick their balls? Because they can. You know why this little gizmo attaches to a USB port humps away? Because you're a dumbass who bought one and clogged up one of your USB ports with something that isn't even a flash drive. From the folks who brought you the Gentleman's Ball Scratcher. Remember?

Glow-in-the-dark underwear. This Swiss underwear will protect your man-bits from cell-phone radiation. Or you could just tell your penis to put down the phone.

The vacuum cleaner vibrator is supposed to be a great invention but it just seems like a really bad idea to me. Unless you've got dust bunnies in your hoohoo. Video.

And while we're on a shopping spree, an inflatable dildo only seems useful if you get a flat tire while you're having sex, or maybe if your plane crashes and you need a flotation device. NSFW

Thanks Kim, Prozac and Funyuns, and people who sent me great stuff I didn't get too yet. P.S. Keep your clothes on, and if you don't, don't tell us all about it.

May 22, 2007

You've already seen it. The most-linked video at the moment is Good magazine's pornfotainment clip of stats about porn on the web written on the body of Kellemarie. [As safe for work as any Victoria's Secret ad, but does require ability to read.]

Internet no longer "steaming cauldron of porn."Social networking and community sites like MySpace and Facebook are about to eclipse the popularity of porn. I read this not on someone's body but in a newspaper (Canadian, but still). What is wrong with you people? Hang on, Kellemarie's neck says the most-trafficked porn site is AdultFriendFinder (NSFW), a community site for would-be naughty folks. So we can love both porn and social networking! Except I hate social networking. And I'll never believe people will trade holing up in front of their computers, which has served us for millenia, for this newfangled connecting crap.

Army of one. The Army doesn't like social-type sites, either. Go Army! They already blocked access to YouTube and MySpace, but now they've banned blogging through the Defense Department's computer network. "I put my blog on there and my family reads it," said Lt. Daniel Zimmerman, 29. "It scares the crap out of them sometimes," he said. And the Army is just not into scaring the crap out of people.

May 08, 2007

Banana fana fo uck. The Sex Name Fabricator creates the name for a sex act by randomly combining a nationality with a kitchen utensil. Bosnian meat cleaver, Malaysian meat grinder...I'm partial to the ones with meat in them. Designed by Aesthetic Apparatus and Listener Dan. See, Listeners can get off their asses and do something useless.

Big questions. Why would Nature make the world's smallest dog so damned small? Scientists say it's something about dog DNA. Next question: Why would someone name the world's smallest dog Dancer? Like that dog isn't already going to get its ass kicked on the playground. Brandy, another little dog with big dreams, is a fine girl, but she's no Dancer.

I would tell you about the World's Smallest Police Dog but it's boring. "She watches everybody comes in the room," Sheriff Dept. Deputy Carrie Jericho said. "Her ears perk up and she watches who's coming in." Like I said, booooring.

After the jump: the deal with the freaky little horse (yes, that's a horse), beer-drinking cats, quick change artists, and it's all safe for work.

May 01, 2007

It's the World Wide Web, people. There's a whole world of no-goodness going on. All safe for work unless marked NSFW.

"Ignorance is a long life and happiness." The secret to living a long life, says Ukranian goat herd Grigoriy Nestor, is never having sex with women. Nestor is 116 years old, unmarried, and a longtime WFMU listener. "People that were not married like me live longer. People who get
married just argue all the time, and that's not good for your health....People who know too much always come to a nasty end. Better to stay stupid and not wonder too much about anything."

Are you decent?Scottish strip-o-grams are in danger. Sweeping new adult entertainment laws are so broadly written that they may lump strip-o-grams in with strip clubs, which they are not like at all. Just because people take their clothes off for your entertainment in both doesn't mean...wait, why is anyone still sending strip-o-grams?

April 24, 2007

One hot day and everyone's clothes come off -- I didn't see this section of An Inconvenient Truth. What's it going to be like when summer really hits?

Naked robot is very well behaved, but a little self-conscious, so please don't stare.

It happens.Sometimes a girl forgets her undies. Sometimes
a photographer takes a picture. Sometimes an editor puts it in a
magazine for 14 year olds. Sometimes 50,000 of them get recalled.

Oh yes, they call it the Cotton Tail Run. The Cotton Tail Run is a nudist 5K run, so called because your flabby white ass has never seen the light of day. I guess it's only for white people?

It's OK to chat online in your own home without your clothes on in China. Chinese prosecutors had to drop a case against a woman who organized nudist chat rooms after they discovered a "blind spot" that left it outside pornography laws. But I'm sure they'll get around to fixing that.

Remember the Anzacs. Nudist cricketers and their families honor the Anzacs by playing their annual beach cricket stoush in New Zealand. Love, love, love the annual beach cricket stoush. But before we get all giddy about it, let's remember the Anzacs. Um, what's an Anzacs?

April 17, 2007

Pop quiz:The Bush administration has spent $1 billion promoting teen abstinence since 1998. Since that time, sexual activity in teenagers has dropped: a) 2%, b) 3%, c) a statistically insignificant amount, or d) not at all. Answer: d) . Bonus question: True or false: Given the absolute failure of abstinence education in teens, Bush chose to extend the program to adults aged 20-29, an age range in which 90% of people are sexually active. Answer: True. One more thing: Do you think abstinence education teaches anything about condoms or contraception? You may continue your answer on the back of this page.

I feel your pain, pregnant lady Or at least I look like I feel your pain with the the Empathy Belly Pregnancy Simulator. But I'm still not giving you my seat on the subway.

World's tallest man is married. He was last in the news for using his long arms to save dolphins by pulling plastic from their stomachs. Long arms. Yeah. Long arms. What was I saying?

Mamma mia! Italians say reality show La Sposa Perfetta, where a jury of mothers live in a Big Brother house and weed out prospective wives for their sons, falls to new depths of banality. Europe rocks.

April 03, 2007

Strippers without the good parts. A Flickr stream of vintage Polaroids of wanna-be strippers that was picked up by BoingBoing was edited to remove "cheesecake."
The keeper of the collection says "I have removed the 'cheesecake'
images in order to stop receiving so many emails to be made 'friend'." FYI, this post is already cheesecake-free, and so don't bother to email me to be made friend.

Porn without the good parts. Check out Matt Bomarr's What Kept Grandpa Up. Matt contributes to the relentlessly amazing 365 Days Project, and ripped back the curtain on Lil' Markie, who turned out to be a grown man who does not know where apostrophes go. This video was created from vintage porn Matt found on an unlabeled VHS tape in Oakland, but he took out all the porny parts, so it's all good. Find out more about Matt.

Matt Bomarr | What Kept Grandpa Up

"He said he had a problem," noted the police commander about the guy who stole 1,500 undies
from various apartment laundry rooms in Pullman, Washington. The police are
"concerned how to match bras and panties with victims." Now everybody has
a problem.

March 27, 2007

Frank S. from the World Wide Web won the coveted Bucket of Smut, the special bonus contest prize that was open to anyone who gave $75 or more to the marathon. We love you, porn rock stars.

On a sad note, I got more than a few emails from people who said they had stinky years -- I think the word was "cursed" -- after not winning the Bucket last time. I expect they will be twice as bummed this year, and I am sympathetic. My suggestion is to buy Lotto tickets to keep the hope/despair cycle going until the next marathon. (If you really want the stuff, you can get it by exchanging money for the items using established capitalist mechanisms. May I suggest taking your business to the kind donors listed below.)

On a happy note, second prize is a year's worth of This Week in Sex, posted here every Tuesday. All smut, no fundraising. Everyone's a winner!

On a mysterious note, the winner of last year's Bucket was never heard from again. Never. I guess there is too much of a good thing.

On a musical note, check out the marathon sing-a-long finale on video and audio. I'm on the audio, where I helped out Station Manager Ken with the talking part. Apparently I called him "Kenneth" at one point, so I don't think I'll be invited back.

March 20, 2007

You know how after the marathon everyone on the station shuts up and plays music? Ostensibly that's to thank you for your pledges by giving you the freeform radio you love, but it's really because we are so fried that no one can find words like "ostensibly." It took me an extra second or two. OK, longer. Could you stop looking over my shoulder while I type? It just slows me down.

So today, since I'm not cooking up any smut for you, because sometimes smut actually needs words, I'm parking you in front of the TV. Enjoy "Hard Gay Cooking With Kids." Warning: Not suitable for kids.

March 15, 2007

[Just a few more days to get in the running for the Bucket of Smut. Any donation of $75 or more gets you the tons of swag you're entitled to, plus a chance to get more tawdry items than you will know what to do with. Details after the jump. Hint: iPod + vibrator = hot new gizmo all the kids will be wearing on the subway.]

It's the time of year when we don't eat meat on Fridays but we do give thanks that WFMU doesn't play commercials, ever. Not even the ones with guys accidentally/on-purpose kissing via gooey rods of chocolate candy and then waxing their chests in a frenzy. Anyway, Ken and Andy already do that, and not just during Seven Second Delay. It's their "private thing."

There's a really boring new Coke ad on tv. A middle-aged white couple are at a restaurant having dinner. He puts a Coke cap on the table and she says, "I should have married Howard Finklestein," and we get some shots of kooky Howard. Cut back to the table and the Coke cap has become two tickets to Hawaii. Aw, honey! You're so getting laid tonight. Tagline: Thanks for drinking. (Which seems vaguely alcoholic, but nevermind.)

So the ad is endlessly boring, except that when you've seen it the millionth time you start to think about the part where the guy uncaps the Coke. He's reaching under the table to unscrew the 20 oz. bottle that he likes to bring to restaurant meals in his crotch. She looks shocked at his efforts. As well she should, because he looks like he's jerking off. No wonder she thinks she should have married Howard Finklestein -- he could probably keep it in his pants during dinner.

I'll buy you a Coke and open it under the table if you can find the video of this commercial online. Until then, you can watch the White Stripes Coke ad because Jack White say it's the right thing to do. But pledging your love to WFMU is righter. Bucket of Smut after this commercial break.

March 14, 2007

New York may be the first city to brand and give away its own line of condoms, but WFMU is the only radio station giving away a Bucket of Smut. Take that, New York City. Oh yeah.

Find out what´s in the Bucket and how to get in the running here. Goodies include a vibrator you hook up to your iPod, a love machine shaped like a cone, and vagina art by Kim Galibert.

If you've already donated $75 or more to the marathon, shoot me an email and I'll put your name in the hopper. And if you haven't donated yet, consider this our way of sweetening the pot. Bucket. Whatever.

March 13, 2007

Our Bucket runneth over.That would be The Bucket of Smut, the coveted This Week in Sex fundraising marathon prize. You give, we give back, in the universal currency of smut.

New this week: The OhMiBod vibrator hooks up to your iPod. Yes, you heard me right. Rock the night away to Rock the Night away, though that would not personally be my choice. You can make an MP3 mix, and apparently people are posting their love mixes on iTunes.

And also: The Magical Cone. (They just call it The Cone, but I threw in the magical part.) The Cone is not your grandma's vibrator, unless she's very flexible, which I'm sure she is--I'm not dissing your grandma. She could probably kick my ass. Its more that this isn't an inny-outty vibrator like you (or your grandma) are used to. And it makes a great decorating accent on your nightstand.

So to recap, for your donation of $75 or more, you get in the running for this wad of generously donated contraband:

From the rockers at OhMiBod, a sleek and shiny OhMiBod pleasure toy that hooks up to your iPod.

From the hip grandmas at The Cone, one fresh pink The Cone, served as if by a butler.

From Good Vibrations: DVDs, doodads, and an Aneros prostate-perineum stimulator (that´s a butt plug for boys for those of you who need it simplified, or the top-of-the-line butt plug for boys, for those of your who need it fancified).

From Babeland: a bucket within a bucket
overflowing with goodness/badness, assembled by Babeland education
coordinator and longtime WFMU fan Carolyn, so you know it will be
extra-special.

From artist Kim Galibert, art. Kim is a sculptor
who is generously donating a gorgeous metal vagina sculpture. You can
have her him make a custom sculpture of...anything...down to the 1/1000". (News flash: Kim is a man, baby!)

March 06, 2007

¡Hóla! I am in Spain and I don´t speak Spanish, but this computer does, so I am finding myself saying "Sí" to a lot of pop-ups. I´m not sure if there´s an accent in ¡hóla! but I figured out how to use the accent thingy, plus the upside-down exclamation point, so expect a lot more of that.

Feliz marathon to everyone. I wish I could be there, but I am running around the Costa Del Sol in WFMU t-shirts, so that makes me feel better.

Q. What´s smutty and comes in a bucket?A. The Bucket of Smut, the coveted This Week in Sex fundraising marathon prize! I mean ¡príze!

You should want it based on that alone, but here´s a preview of what´s inside:

From Good Vibrations: DVDs, doodads, and an Aneros prostate-perineum stimulator (that´s a butt plug for boys for those of you who need it simplified, or the top-of-the-line butt plug for boys, for those of your who need it fancified).

From Babeland: a bucket within a bucket overflowing with goodness/badness, assembled by Babeland education coordinator and longtime WFMU fan Carolyn, so you know it will be extra-special.

From artist Kim Galibert, art. Kim is a sculptor who is generously donating a gorgeous metal vagina sculpture. You can have her make a custom sculpture of...anything...down to the 1/1000".

¡Y más!

More on the prizes and our donors throughout the marathon.

Details on how to get in the running for the prize (as we say in the marathon fundraising biz) after the jump (as we say in the blog biz).

February 27, 2007

Put on your hip waders, protective goggles, and rubber gloves, because you're about to get slammed with a Bucket of Smut. Last year we gave out a giant wad of dirty prizes -- all you had to do to get in the running was make the DJ premium-level marathon pledge, which you were probably going to do anyway, and send me an email. Same deal this year. As soon as I announce the list of prizes, you can email me at amanda at wfmu dot org.

Pizza Virgin Custody Arrangement. The cafeteria worker who found the Pizza Virgin, the likeness of the Virgin Mary at the bottom of a baking sheet used to bake cookies, pizza and chicken nuggets, got it back. Co-workers were "miffed" that she got to keep the pan. The kitchen manager, Coralia Pacay, said she wanted the sheet returned. Later, Rodriguez decided she wanted it herself. Principal Lydia Guerrero eventually brokered a deal by which "Rodriguez could keep the pan but the PTA mothers will be allowed to display it this weekend."

No Nads. State Delegate LeRoy E. Myers Jr. says children shouldn't be exposed to giant plastic gonads dangling from pickup truck trailer hitches on Maryland roads. The bill also would ban depictions of naked human breasts, buttocks or
genitals, with offenses punishable by fines of up to $500. But Pamela Campbell, whose Bullhead City, Ariz., business sells fake bull testicles, thinks that the swinging decorations can prompt healthy discussions about anatomy and reproduction. "Do we have to neuter all dogs that walk by us?" she asked. "Where does it stop?" I think we should neuter the dogs, but hang the giant fake testicles on them.

Day of the Dying Dolphin. A dolphin is dying of a broken heart after its beloved trainer was killed by her neighbour in a frenzied attack. Dolphin "Mary G" was rescued from the Adriatic Sea and nurtured back to full health by Tamara Monti at the Oltremare water park in Riccione, Italy. But the 37-year-old was stabbed to death at her flat by neighbour Alessandro Doto. He claimed he had been driven mad by the constant barking of Ms Monti's two dogs.

February 13, 2007

Tomorrow is a very special Valentine's Day edition of TWiS, or as I like to think of it, warmed-up left-overs day. For TWiS. But since the tease really keeps the relationship going, and I do want to keep our relationship going, really, honey, I do, here's a dirty ditty to tide you over until then:

February 06, 2007

You know why I don't bother to give you links to actual porn? Because half of all teens are already "accidentally" exposed to porn on the internet. If you can't find porn yourself, just ask a teenager. You won't get in trouble for doing that. And if you're a teenager and you can't find porn, you must be Amish, in which case you are not in my demographic. So go back to sheep fucking and get caught so I can have some oddball smut to write about next week.

But this week I'm not even doling out the usual oddball smut. This is stuff even a teenager would have to make an effort to find, unless he is a Broadway theater queenager, in which case he already has the original cast album.

"Let My People Come," helpfully subtitled "A Sexual Musical," premiered January 8, 1974, and sexual freedom reigned for 106 explicit performances. The breakaway mp3 hit "I'm Gay" was picked up in the first 365 Days, and its undiluted cheese is credited with inciting the whole of the nasty punk movement. Good work, musical theater! And to think I have a place in my heart for both punk and musical theater. That does account for some nasty cheese.

January 23, 2007

Big White Cock by Terence Koh. This is the kind of art that makes the people who create culture wars instead of, oh, art, really shoot their wads. Koh's other mixed media sculptures include his semen, blood, piss, and shit. And arty things.

No YouTube Di'n't! Watch videos that have been deleted from YouTube, which raises the question, How crappy does a video have to be to be deleted from YouTube? If you ask me, they look just as crappy as the regular videos. A new one comes up every time you refresh the page, and though so far I haven't seen anything very racy, let's assume it's NSFW.

File under TMI.High definition porn won't leave much to the imagination,
and since porn doesn't leave much to the imagination anyway, we're in a
bit of a bind in fantasyland. Hang in there until the cataracts kick in
and everything looks dreamy again. For now, porn stars are taking
measures to deal with oddly bulging boob jobs, stretch marks, and razor burn. Apparently, cellulite can stay. "[S]ome cellulite is not necessarily a bad thing," said director Robby D., who is obviously never going to be photographed from behind. "It's kind of sexy."

You would think the big news in musical condoms would be the impending debut of 50 Cent's new rubber line, but it's really about musical condoms. Before you get too excited (like some of us did), and have your long-held musical condom dreams crushed (sigh), read the fine print. It's just a CD packaged with some condoms, but it sounds better when the marketing people say it: "The Idom’s Exotica, Chocotasy and Loveberry brands come with CD compilations of chillout, acid jazz and dance music." I say the combination of breakfast cereal flavors and W Hotel music makes me want to hurl.

Three is a magic number. Who can resist a gallery of third nipple piercings? I like the guy lifting up his "Don't Mess with Texas" shirt to
show his pierced third nipple. My rule is don't mess with the guy with
the pierced third nipple -- the t-shirt is redundant. P.S. For that
special formal occasion, and I know they have a lot of them in Texas, Mr. Texas T-Shirt should invest in some nipple covers like Nippits. gallery via nerve

January 16, 2007

"Space rapture." Playboy bunnies were smuggled on a mission to the moon, producing rapturous waves of giggles all around. Not actual Playboy bunnies. That would be wrong. via BoingBoing

Wonder what's going on at this Russian site with creepy Real Dolls in creepier everyday settings? We asked googlski for a transation [nsfw, none of it]:

"The
sad mujcinki-holders lysin, slitting, acne and psychological
corrozi-Los wandering the zakoulkam world, in the hope that one day
they povstrechaetsa the most korolevna that will always together. Waiting for love (especially when you konek-gorbunok a male) is unbearable and utomluschee. Therefore,
some form razuverivschiesa keep quiet before his death and mrut cancer
of the heart, never experienced love taste so overcome loneliness, and
others go on roboeroticescoy industry."

Especially when you konek-gorbunok a male. I was just saying that to a friend. Photos by Elena Dorfman.

January 09, 2007

I love New York, but not that way. New York City is the country's HIV/AIDS capital, and to deal with that we're going to start giving out free condoms, which will be branded like subway lines with color-coded foil packets. Next up: actual full body subway condoms you put on for protection before any mass-transit experience.

Santa's Butt is comin' to town. Confirming my belief that New England is one cranky-ass place, the Maine Bureau of Liquor Enforcement is finally allowing Santa's Butt Winter Porter to be sold just in time for Martin Luther King Day.

We'll leave the light on for you. Of course we all see motel rooms like this and think about renting porn and doing dirty, dirty things. OK, maybe it's just me and the way boringpostcards make me shiver with delight. via MUG

You know what would be like so funny? If we filled condoms with flour to look like we were drug traffickers as a joke and I took them on an airplane during my college vacation and got arrested for being a drug trafficker and then sued for having my civil rights violated and got $180k. Who's got the oregano and dime bags for spring break?

August 30, 2006

As you should know by now, the chocolate Virgin is not a sex act, but rather a wad of chocolate discovered by a factory worker who thinks it looks like the picture of Virgin Mary she carries. I think it looks like a parrot, but I don't work in a chocolate factory or carry a picture of a parrot or a virgin, so I'll defer to her. Call me an unbeliever, but I'm not seeing the Virgin Mary in the George-Foreman-grill-grease stain, though I do see the resemblance to George. The Virgin Mary turtle is totally adorable, so don't you dare dis it.

Mary's spawn is also in the news: The Jesus oyster was up for sale on eBay, so it has to be real. And it didn't meet the $335 reserve, so you can get it next time. The baby Jesus appeared in an ultra sound, which is great, because usually those things just look like a big grainy smoosh. Luckily, baby Jesus looks like the dad, so however it works out, it's all good. And God Himself is trying to tell us something, but as usual not particularly clearly: The "mystery tree" in Texas leaks "God's water."

And then there's the Golden Hand of Cheesuz. I drove by this thing a dozen times with Greasy Kids Stuff DJs Belinda, Hova and Wah Wah before finally getting out of the car to take a closer look. The look did not solve the mystery of why Jesus was hovering above us as a giant glob of cheesy goo. Finally I decided that Portland is just a small city that likes to put big things, preferably dairy products, like Jesus and milk cartons, up in the air. And I'm OK with that.

August 16, 2006

Breast implants may have saved an Israeli woman's life.
Shrapnel from a Hezbollah rocket attack was found "just inches" from her
heart, trapped in a silicon force field. No word on whether the Israeli
army is considering breast implants for the military.

Panty raid. I thought it was just kooky that Portland, Oregon panty thief Sung Koo Kim may face nine to eleven years in prison for stealing thousands of pairs of underwear from college dorm rooms, laundry rooms and campus-area apartments. But the funny stopped when I got to this:

When investigators searched Kim's Tigard bedroom, they found more than 3,400 pairs of underwear and other pieces of women's clothing, along with dryer lint and human hair, marked with information as to where the clothing was taken, and stuffed into boxes, duffel bags and backpacks. His home computer contained more than 40,000 pornographic images, mostly depicting rape, torture and killings.

Hang on..."His attorneys said psychiatrists who interviewed him indicated he was not violent but suffered from depression and an underwear fetish." Funny back on!

How to get out of jury duty in Brooklyn: jack off behind the vending machine. Downside: summonses for disorderly conduct, public lewdness and destruction of government property (the room's green carpet), and up to a year in prison and a fine if convicted. But still, no jury duty.

"This is the epitome of community service." Or as CNN.com put it, "Boy George gets hot, stinky karma" for falsely reporting a burglary. When the cops came, they found cocaine. George's community service will be cleaning city streets for the sanitation department, not performing a charity concert as he had hoped. Which goes to show that criminals only learn how to be better criminals after they get through the system--he's just going to know how to clean up better before the cops come.

"Inappropriate clothing worn so close to a river 'could provoke dangerous temptations and behaviour.'" There's a new 38 euro penalty for going nude, topless, or in a thong on Paris Plage, the summertime beach along the Seine. I can't figure out if it's pro-rated per naked body part, but the order forbidding the exposure of flesh says "Behaviour must conform to good morals, tranquillity, safety and public order," so it seems easy to enforce, like obscenity laws.

"We know from talking to patients and clinics that there is only one active sperm donor covering the whole of Scotland." Sperm donors are in short supply since the British government decided to let children find out the identity of the donors. The good news is that it will be really easy to track down your dad, since there's just the one guy.

"Said John Wank Miller, supervisor of Baltimore's marriage license department: 'The annotated code of Maryland gives you a definition of marriage that has nothing to do with animals.'" I just wanted to quote a guy whose middle name is Wank. If something is your middle name, you can leave it out, right? But if it's Wank, why would you? The article is supposedly about some hipsters who had a mock wedding to their Chihuahuas and tarantulas to make some unclear political point and drink Yuengling, but to me it's all about John Wank Miller, supervisor of Baltimore's marriage license department.

July 26, 2006

The Presidential Bust of Hillary Rodham Clinton: The First Woman President of the United States of America will be officially open for public viewing on August 9 for a limited six week run at the Museum of Sex.

Edwards gets inspired by the best things. According to the press release:

Edwards’ inspiration for the piece was derived from actress Sharon Stone’s controversial quote earlier in the year about challenges that would most likely be encountered should the Junior Senator from New York run on the ’08 ticket. “I think Hillary Clinton is fantastic,” Stone said. “But I think it is too soon for her to run. This may sound odd but a woman should be past her sexuality when she runs. Hillary still has sexual power and I don’t think people will accept that. It’s too threatening.”

Hello, Wednesday! New day, same time, same smut. Who cares? Probably only me and Megan, who gave up Hump Day and now starts her weekends off with a bang and a regular Friday post. Thanks Megan! Keep it clean.

Stripper gets a hand. Linda Kay, a Goth stripper at the Hott (sic) 22 club in Union, New Jersey, kept a hand called Freddy in a jar of formaldehyde on her dresser. She also had six human skulls. They were discovered after police responded to a report of a man threatening to kill himself with a hammer at her house in Plainfield. Speculation is that the hand came from a fan who was a med student (it appears to be roughly chopped off), but the skulls were ordered on the internet. Her mother said, "She has a flair for the dramatic." Kay was arrested and released on $100,000 bail.

Pricasso. OK, Pricasso is a dumb name, and painting with your penis is a dumb idea, but a penis painting of Bush seems so right.

There's a new toy in town, and by new I mean a hands-free pink cone-shaped thing, and by town I mean the U.K. I don't quite get The Cone commercial--everyone fondles it at a dinner party, and then grandma takes it home and puts her dentures in a cup. I guess you are not supposed to wear your dentures when you use the cone. Got it. via gizmodo

Penistron. An internet wanking device. It doesn't matter if whatever is on the other side of the internet is real. "You could still have sex because it's just data." (youtube account required)

DIY vagina. To get "that taste": 1 block of soft tofu, 1 can of 100 per cent pineapple juice, and salt.

Sex: "the killer app of space tourism." Space hotels better work on their brochure copy. At a recent space conference, panelists discussed the fantasy and reality of space sex, and the reality is kinda un-sexy: "Sex in zero-G is going to have to be more or less choreographed. Otherwise it's just going to be a wild flail."

July 21, 2006

Million and millions served. And here I thought I was the only one looking for sex on the internet. I feel a little sorry for the people who get here thinking they are going to find porn--none of the links below are unsafe for work. A little sorry, but not much. Not as sorry as I feel for you when you see how lame TWiS is this week due to technical difficulties. But I hear you can search for sex on the internet, so go for it.

(P.S. There's a new browser for smut surfers that covers your tracks and has a panic button for when the boss comes over. I'll wait here while you go get it.)

"Nothing about having a 176 IQ means you have good judgment." Don't I know it. Runner-up Man of the Year, geneticist William French Anderson, is convicted of child molestation.

Communist porn. Well, not exactly. The Vietnamese government will be putting downloadable sex movies on the internet. Internet porn is banned in Vietnam, so this will be an "orthodox sex Web site" for educational purposes only. One of the goals is to help married couples who haven't had sex in more than a year. Nothing heats up your cold communist marriage faster than a good orthodox sex ed flick. (Better make some for British women, too.)

July 14, 2006

Sometimes I get tired of treking through the skankiest bogs of the internet, scraping the smut off my flip-flops before I can come in the house. I think I've seen a few too many not-safe-for-work saliva and slurping and nose fetish videos. This Week in Sex is all dogs, and not the furryfetishdogging kind, but the feel-good kind you hear about at the end of the news with the water-skiing squirrels. Sit. Stay.

Hoppy, the most amazing dog with no front legs, learned to walk upright like a human and doesn't feel silly at all doing it. (I'm working at a computer with no sound, so I'm just guessing from the video that the dog's name is Hoppy. It could also be Stumpy.)

Cheekies, the rat terrier who just wants to go to the naked beach, is caught up in a federal lawsuit. His owner says Cheekies is a service dog who gives him comfort at the naked beach, and the owner needs to go to the naked beach for a skin condition he developed post 9-11. And since Cheekies is not wearing clothes to the naked beach, what's the big deal?

Ranger, the driving dog, accidentally ran over a woman in Utah by stepping on the gearshift. "No one's called me," the woman's husband compained. "No one's said, 'I'm sorry we did this.' Nothing." Dude, Ranger is a not-very-good-at-driving dog, not a telephoning-to-apologize dog. And if he could call, he would say, "It was an accident."

Bonnie, the "really lucky" dog, is so lucky she got shot in the middle of the forehead and left to die. How lucky is that?

Sam, the cyber-dog with a microchip implanted under his skin, helped 2 year-old Alexis find her way home. She had wandered out of the house before 7 a.m., and Sam tagged along. Cops scanned the dog, and returned both to the sleeping parents. "She's scary smart," her father said of Alexis. "She does her ABCs, and numbers and colors — half the stuff I wonder where she gets it." He added, "I'm gonna hafta put microchip in her, though — this thing with the police was a little too Cops at 7 a.m. I barely had my wifebeater on."

Curly, the barky Irish terrier, saved the life of 10 year-old Jean Stout when she had an asthma attack at her grandparent's house. Taking a page from the "little Billy's in the well" handbook, Curly wouldn't stop barking until Jean's parent's found her passed out in the bathtub. But Curly made the famous shout-out his own, barking "nyuk nyuk nyuk."

Duo, the abandoned dog with two noses, still needs a home. I think we can all identify with the statement of one of his rescuers, "Duo is not a freak, he's just unusual." Remember when Bronwyn told you about the dog with no nose? I think the dogs should move in together and share the extra nose.

Koni, Putin's dog, is being secretly fed too many treats by the press. Just because Putin is out kissing little boys like kittens doesn't mean he doesn't notice that "Sometimes, Koni leaves a room full of journalists with a very pleased expression on her face and biscuit crumbs around her mouth."

And the day is Naked Car Calendar Day, but it's Upscale Naked Car Calendar, so it's cool. And Sophia Loren is going to be in the Naked Car Calendar, and she's old enough to be your grandmother, so that makes it cooler. But also creepy when you put it like that.

Hail, Estonia! You missed it this year, so start training now for next year's annual wife-carrying contest in Finland. The prize: a computer and your wife's weight in beer. Here's all you have to do: 1) get/become wife, 2) get/become Estonian, because they have a lock on wife-carrying, 3) carry/be-carried-as Estonian wife across finish line before all the other Estonian wives, 4) compute weight of wife on new computer and drink free beer.

Double trouble. The bikini, like Dubya, is 60 years old. Coincidence or Rove plot to distract us from sagging poll numbers? A Brief History of the Bikini slideshow (slideshow means you can look at pictures if you don't want to read).

Dude, take a cold shower.Hot sex in hot weather can kill you, say fear-mongering doctors. Dr. Norbert Bachl of Vienna's Sport Medicine Institute says getting over-excited in the heat can be fatal, so if you can't have sex "calmly" during the day, do it in a cold shower. But betting on World Cup games gets you more worked up than sex, so it might be even more dangerous. My new business plan: OTB's with showers.

"How to look good naked" is a new tv show BBC television programme. So, how do you look good naked? My answer was going to be "wear clothes," but it turns out on the programme they suggest you wear clothes.

How much gas do you release a day?A. one cup, B. one half gallon, C. one gallon, D. I don't know, but I measure in BTUs. Answer: The flatulence guru knows all. And also where to get the washable and reusable dog thong fart neutralizer you've been looking for. "Flatulence Odor Control Products for Those Who Care!" And who doesn't care?

Lend a hand. Position open: sperm tester job for couples (gay or straight). Apply here. You have to write a personal essay that begins "We would be great Sperm Testers because...", but you only get 15 words to complete it. Think you can do it? Finish the sentence and post it in the comments section: We would be great Sperm Testers because...

June 30, 2006

Pornputs our children in harm's way. Especially when it comes in the shape of a big man in a suit chasing children off rooftop billboards into traffic.

In Maury's restaurant, there are pickles. Pickles put people in harm's way, too. Especially when you are pickle-phobic and you go on Maury Povich's show. At first I thought Maury's guest Mariah was faking the whole pickles-are-destroying-my-life thing, but I got on her side when Maury sent her off to the Paterson Pickle factory to make her freak out, which she did, ending up quivering in a fetal position. Back in the studio, Maury grabbed her hand, said "Stop it! Stop shaking!," told her she had to confront her fears, and ambushed her with plates of pickles. It worked out really well. (And since about a half a million people have now seen this clip, I'm sure she won't be known as the Pickle Girl any more.)

Bigger not always better. Did you know spiders don't have penises? But they have some kind of mouth penis? And there's a kind of spider that has twomassive mouth-penises? And it cuts off one with a piece of spidey silk? And did you know fish watch fish porn? And did you think I made that last one up? No, scientists made those fish do it, so unless you are part of an experiment, you can't use that excuse. In case you can't make sense of the science as well as I can, because I have a scientific mind, here's the gist:

The lesson is clear. If you live in an environment where you can afford to be slow and lazy, sexual selection can take over: the females will preferentially mate with the fish with the larger gonopodia [fish penis], driving up the average size over generations. If you have to be nimble and swift to stay alive, natural selection will cull out the males with oversized genitals.

June 23, 2006

Size isn't everything, but it is always best expressed in terms of football fields. Microscopic fruit fly sperm may look like a Q-tip, but if it were untangled, it would be 2 inches long.

One of the guys who studied the fly sperm said, "To put that into perspective, if humans made sperm that long and you took a six-foot man and stood him on the goal line of a football field, his sperm would stretch out to the 40-yard line." Which is a very manly way of saying it would be 40 yards long. See how that works?

Killer queen. Ant queens mate only once in a lifetime, and they store the sperm they collect from multiple partners to fertilize the kajillions of eggs that make the ant colony. I don't know how to express this in terms of football fields, because when women are having kajillions of kids we don't think of it like that, but it would definitely get you past the 40 yard line.

Donate to the arts. Specifically, donate semen to the Sperm Cube to help create a one ton frozen block of sperm. Frozen art sperm: "international, open to all, universal." You could jack off into an ice cube tray, but that would not be so international, open to all, or universal. But it would be cubey.

Penis slide show. At first I thought this was just a slide show of a guy and his penis enjoying the great outdoors, or a guy enjoying his penis in the great outdoors, but then there was that business with the stuffed tiger and the rubber witch and the long-stemmed roses and I didn't know what to think. But I pretty much knew I didn't want to think about it any more. NSFW

I don't have anything to say about The New York Observer's Bridal Blog. Five brides-to-be obsess about wedding crap, which is so stressful! OMG!!!

I do know where all the hot guys in New York are: Lighting by Gregory, early afternoons. You may meet them, you may marry them, but you may not blog about menus, hair and makeup, or any other pre-marital nonsense without my permission. (P.S. Permission denied.)

Make love, not war. The U.S. military considered developing a gay bomb that would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. Other ideas included a fart bomb, a bad breath bomb, and a swarms of angry wasps bomb, ideas which had been previously developed and abandoned at WFMU staff lunches.

Where does smegma come from? Horses. Dead horses. In a post about earwax and other bodily excretions, PZ Myers cites a 1947 paper that helpfully says "Smegma is best obtained from dead horses in rendering plants or from anesthetized animals in a department of veterinary surgery." Myers continues:

The other distinctive thing about the paper is that it is one of the more disgusting experiments I've read about. The authors were testing the potential carcinogenic effects of smegma, and the experiment involved making up slurries of smegma and smearing it or injecting it into folds of skin on mice, and assessing their health. It had to have been a big job, slathering 400 mice with smegma every week, and treating another 400 control mice with ear wax.

The carcinogenic effects of smegma, according to Myers and common sense, are unproven.

That guy's a snake. Really.A woman married a snake in India. There were 2,000 guests at the wedding, but the groom was a no-show. He wouldn't come out of his anthill, so they used a brass replica snake. This idea has possibilities.

Swans are sluts. We all thought they mated for life, but those lady swans are messin' around. One in six baby swans is a bastard. And the male swans are also scoring what the scientists nicely call major "bonus copulation."

June 02, 2006

Not the perfect tool. MRIs of people having sex show that things get squished when people have sex in MRIs. Does insurance cover all this? via sexoteric (sexoteric NSFW)

Kiddie party.The Charity, Freedom and Diversity party in the Netherlands wants to lower the legal age for consensual sex to 12 and eventually scrap the limit altogether. They say, "A ban just makes children curious."

Do your homework. Tony Blair says curious young people must research sex.

A little bit slutty, a little bit bisexual. Two of Marie Osmond's teenagers are giving her grief by blogging dirty things on myspace, like how they are slutty and bisexual and have impure thoughts about slutty bisexual David Bowie. The Mormon pop star-turned-doll-maker (huh? I have to confess I have not followed Marie's career as closely as I should) kinda blames the internet.

People like us, but naked.Naked people are not sexy. Welcome to my world.

Ball girls. One of many World Cup-themed promotions and incentives and novelties we don't have to pay any attention to, being isolated from the rest of the World as we are.

Robot condoms. OK, not condoms for robots, but still pretty cool. And somebody should get on the condoms-for-robots thing. Don't say I didn't warn you. via slashdong

Batwoman is a lesbian. Or, as news items like to say but no one I know does, a "lipstick lesbian." This is to clarify that she is not a "bull dyke" or "stone butch." Also to clarify, Robin is not a "nancy boy" and Batman is not "closeted."

May 26, 2006

Off to see the Wizmark.Wizmark is a gizmo used for toilet bowl advertising--make that "interactive urinal communications," which we sure as shit need more of. Wizmark claims to be based on "the unwritten rule" of men's room etiquette: never stare at the dude next to you. But it really seems to be based on some other unwritten rule, like the desire to pee on talking advertisements. Where can you check out this pee-activated back-talker? Long Island, of course. What's next, a toilet bowl theme restaurant?

(Above, a sample of the lenticular Wizmark. Lenticular means that when you move the image flickers. Should you really be moving around while spraying urine? I'll never understand guys.)Hot diggity. Get your dog on at Schnack's hot dog eating contest on Memorial Day. Or be the biggest dick at your bbq with this novelty wiener cooker. Do us all a favor and don't give your dog beer and donuts or she'll end up morbidly obese and on the last five minutes of the 11 o'clock news.

Dress code = no dresses. For guys, that is. Kevin Logan wasn't allowed to attend his senior prom in a dress.

Teenagers having sex these days are drunk and dumb. And I was so sober and smart.

I know it when I see it. "It" in Indonesia may soon be kissing. Ten thousand people, many of them women, demonstrated in favor of an anti-pornography bill that would punish public kissing with five years in prison.

MUM's the word. The museum of underpants is my favorite thing at the rickety online Museum of Menstruation. (Elsewhere, panties in a bottle come new or pre-worn. Or you could just BYOB and drink while you look at the underpants museum, put your used panties in the bottle, and sell it on the internet. Except that would be gross.) I also like the tampon directory, which has the story of the Fibs tampon of the 1930's. Let's make up slogans for Fibs. How about, "Fibs, your little white lie. Shhh." Your turn.

May 19, 2006

Woof. We've all had sex like this. Just because you were in a blackout and can't remember doesn't mean it didn't happen. I mean the barf part, not the dog part. Hell, maybe both--you were in a blackout, so how would you know?

Ew. Since you just lost your lunch, you can safely look at this. Unless you are at work. NSFW

Put down the dildo and put your hands where I can see them. A man in Norway beats his girlfriend with a dildo and tries to make a big joke out of it. How callous is that?

Crap. An 11 year-old boy says he had the fright of his life when
he lifted the lid of the toilet and found a 2 1/2 foot American corn snake poking its head out of the water. Flush, people!

I'm so thirsty I could... An Arkansas Mayor is charged in sex-for-water case.

Unmentionables. If Saudi women can't mix with men in public, but lingerie is sold only by men, does that mean a lot of Saudi women are going commando under those burkas?

"I do this to make them laugh and smile and open to talk to me...I do hold on, but not a long time. Just till they start screaming." If you're wondering if your opening moves cross the line, screaming is usually a tip-off. Alleged foot-fetishist Joseph Weir is accused of attacking an estimated 70 women on the subway. He's out on bail and likes the N, R, W, V and E trains and black women.

Hungarian meat. This Week in Sex is totally bumming me out. How about some meat to clear the palate? Unless you want to have an orgasm, in which case, according to medical authority Pamela Anderson, you should be a vegetarian. Now I'm bummed again. Plus I missed National Orgasm Day. Did the earth move?

Works for wood and flowers. Finally, there's actually something useful to do with the little blue pecker uppers: Viagra keeps roses from wilting.

MoSex. The Museum of Sex launched its Virtual Museum of Sex with four exhibits: erotic photography by Harold Lloyd, representations of the American male nude body, a community of inventors of sex machines, and applications to the U.S. Patent Office for an array of sexual devices including penis constrictors, nocturnal emission preventors, and masturbation inhibitors.