Taste Test

Example: As I just posted on twitter, I was eating a granola bar at my desk here at work. I finished it and it was delicious. Then I looked down, and right where I had put my granola bar, there was a crumb left on my desk so I was like “YES.” and I picked it up and put it in my mouth (that’s what she said). My smile quickly faded as I realized THAT was NOT food. It was like a piece of pencil lead or who knows what. But I ate it. Hope I don’t die, right?

Another gross thing I do…. I lick my phone. My cell phone. Not always, just if there is food on it. One day, there was a smudge on my screen, and I thought “Hmmm, what could that be? I bet it is chocolate.” So I tasted it and it was in fact chocolate. Score for me! The boyfriend saw me do this though and he was really grossed out and told me I shouldn’t lick mystery smudges on my cell phone. It’s always chocolate. I have a problem.

That’s not the only example of me being gross and putting things in my mouth. I chew on my cuticles a lot and realize too late that HEY maybe I should go wash my hands before I shove them in my mouth? No wonder I’ve been sick all damn winter. I take public transportation to get to work, then when I’m happily (not) sitting in my seat on the train, I start to chew on my cuticles. So work this backwards… mouth-hand-train hand rails – escalator bannister – door – another bannister – apartment building door. I should just kill myself.

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Puddy: “I’m a recovering germ-o-phobe. Ten years.”

Elaine: “What is this symbol?”

Puddy: “It’s a germ.”

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When I start to think of it like this, I get germaphobey. I don’t think I’m a legit germaphobe, but I do have tendencies. They flare up sometimes and I go on these binges where I disinfect and sanitize everything I touch. I’ve had fits where I wipe down everything with Lysol wipes, spray doorknobs and light switches with Lysol, clean the whole bathroom (walls and ceiling included) with a too-strong bleach mixture. Then my trachea aches for days after breathing in lots of bleachy chlorine fumes in a bathroom with no real ventilation or window after using a 42% concentration bleach-to-water mixture. I’ve also been known to be that obnoxious person at work who cleans off their desk, phone, stapler, keyboard if someone sneezes in my office or borrows my stuff and becomes sick within a few days. I have tendencies.