I’m not forgetting

The last of four paintings in a series depicting the four houses at Hogwarts from JK Rowlings wonderful universe of Harry Potter’s is almost done now. Even how to frame the four paintings is planned, so that it still works with symbolism and all. It’s very exhilarating while at the same time calming, because I’ve had the idea in my head for so long, it was taking up a lot of space where there are some new ideas brewing that I’d like to work on as soon as possible, but I’ve promised myself to have projects followed right through to the end if they are not impossible to finish, so I can give myself closure on each of them either way. Paintings are no different.

Miniatures are a different matter. I use whatever paint I’m done with for the day to place on 20×20 cm plates or small basalt wood boxes and let things happen as they want to. It’s huge fun but it’s not a lot of space and energy ‘wasted’ if it turns out as nothing. Well, it works well right now.

Book! Wow – there’s a subject that’s become a huge one for me. As it looks so far, it seems I’m able to create an actual novel, but it’s painstakingly hard work, for it’s literally my heart I’m looking into as well as my past. The scars are hard and difficult to see through but I’ve become more and more resolved to see the end of this how ever that might be. I don’t really know. But at least I’ve written and edited enough to give my daughter an idea about my past whatever might happen. With that I only mean, that after having come this far with the writing of the first draft and editing, I’ve felt for the first time in my life, that it would not be very critical if my life were at its end.

Before I started the writing project, I was still scared of dying even after having survived for so long, for that would mean that some things would disappear with me, but now I’m not as scared any more and that’s a good thing, because I’m actually much more interested in living now, although it’s with the difficulties that’s part of my life now.

Those difficulties are so much more different from those induced by humans. I don’t know if others can follow the distinction between having somebody rob the control away and having to fight to gain control for reasons that wasn’t others’ “fault”/wrongdoing? I just know it’s an important distinction for me. In the one case control is virtually impossible to regain because of it’s lack of predictability, but with the control I’m working on regaining after having had the injury and the terrible pains, it’s still something predictable and I feel that I’m able to control it when I understand how. Well, when I see this in writing, I’m not quite as sure that it’s as clear as before I wrote this sentence, but I feel it makes sense and hope it’s right! Feeling and hoping – it’s all into TRUST once again – it feels ;-P

Deathly Hallow reading group has just started and I’m new territory there as well. It seems I’m good at making new exciting turns only now it’s not physically but more in my head. So the next field I’m venturing below the surface of is Alchemy – or I try to. It’ll be fun to try it out.

Spring is very much over us, bunnies are horny and birds are busy, so life outside my windows is going on as usual. I’m hoping to have the garden trimmed and ready for summer, but it works fine as it is, so I’m trying to learn to relax about how the aesthetic impact is. Not to worry too much about.