I don’t really know how to start off this post. It’s about 6:45pm east coast time on Tuesday, and here I am, slightly in shock. And it’s not for the reason you may be thinking. It’s not because we just lost Honey’s grandma – whose funeral was, as many of you know, yesterday. (By the way, thank you so much for your understanding in my decision to keep the blog silent yesterday.) It’s not the fact that Grandma Henny’s death has brought to the surface how much I deeply miss my own grandparents. Specifically my maternal grandmother. We called her ‘Omi,’ our affectionate alteration of the German word oma, meaning grandmother. I miss her a lot. It makes me want to cry just writing her name. My Omi won’t be at my wedding, and this truth is something that I’ve worked to get past. Still, it’s hard. She lived with us as my little brother and I were growing up. She was a second mother to us, really; I went to her area of the house almost every day after school, sat down on her little floral couch right next to her, and watched Golden Girls. We laughed our faces off. She made the funniest jokes – little old lady jokes, that are pretty tame, but coming out your grandma’s mouth, SHOCKING. I remember those years really fondly, and plan to tell my children about them, when I have children to tell stories to.

My kids will never get to hang out and watch Golden Girls with my Omi. But my kids are gonna know about my Omi. That is a guarantee. And it’s why I work to remember her and what she means to me on a constant basis, just by taking time to think of her, and tell her I love her. Yes, that translates to me telling the sky I love it, sometimes. And other times, telling the mirror I love it, while I brush my teeth. But I always have this little hope that she heard me, wherever she is.

All of that up there is what should naturally be giving me pause… but that’s not what’s doing it. At least at present, it’s not. Because Honey and I both understand that life comes and goes, and that you make the most of it while you’re here, touch the most people, affect the most hearts, and then, at some point, your time is up. That’s it. It may be unfair, the way you’re taken from this earth, but that’s the deal, that’s life. Nothing more certain than death and taxes, they say. (Well except for weddings and love, if you ask me – but nobody’s asking me.) So yeah, we get that, and just like with every loss a family suffers, we’re slowly but surely going to get to a point where her memory isn’t a painful shot to the heart, but instead a warm, soft and splendid mental sojourn.

Ok I took the scenic route but finally, we’ve arrived at what’s actually giving me such pause. It’s you guys. I’m again tearing up now as I write this. Because you guys are pretty amazing. If I ever needed proof that the internet is a living, breathing entity, overflowing with human connectivity and heartfelt compassion, I got that proof this past week. In letters, emails, tweets and comments. I got it in the stories about your own personal struggles losing loved ones, and in the declarations that you were going to visit your own grandmothers and grandfathers and great aunts and uncles, etc. over the weekend, because Grandma Henny inspired you to say hello to your own loved ones. That last fact got me the most, I’m telling you. If you wanna make me cry happy tears, even when I’m NOT on my period, you tell me that the life of one of my loved ones inspired you to arrange to hang out with your own. Hearing from so many of you that such visits were being planned was the best gift we could have gotten, from anyone, and I’m sure that if Henny knows about any of this, it’s got to have put a permanent smile on her spirit.

At this point I don’t even know what to say, to make you know how much your words and your thoughts have meant to us. So I’m going to make believe I’m a little baby who correlates love and appreciation with varied degrees of arm outstretchedness. So kindly imagine our arms fully outstretched right now, Honey’s and mine, in a tiny effort to show you that we appreciate and love you *this much*.

What I would like to share with you today, aside from some seriously emotional story-telling (sorry about that) is a tiny little tidbit that’s proven to help me out at those times in life when things, whatever they may be, are for some reason or another getting a little (or a lot) heavy/weird/deep/hard/extreme. So here goes:

Very recently, Honey and I found a canvas depicting two bears eskimo kissing. We both kind of loved it right off the bat, for personal and mutual reasons. Mainly, because we love bears, and to put it as plainly as possible, Bambino likes his eskimo kisses.

Anyway, Honey’s really been missing his grandmother, which will hardly come as a shock to you guys. And so I decided finally to buy that canvas we both coveted, because why not, but really because buying it now, at this time in our lives, forever attaches it to the memory of Grandma Henny. Attaches it to her hugs and kisses. And just generally attaches it to her warmth and glowing love for every soul who crossed her path.

… I dunno, it just feels to me like the perfect little memento to link up to her spirit. Whenever we look at it, we’ll remember her. And looking at two bears nuzzle kissing brings only a smile to my face. That’s exactly what I want to have happen when I think of Henny.

A natural next step, in my mind at least, is to find ways to employ these kinds of memory-soaked items in the decor and meaningful moments of your wedding day. For example, that bears kissing canvas would look lovely as part of the decor for a DIY photobooth backdrop, don’t you think? Or maybe it would be lovely on the wall behind the guest book, or dessert buffet, or hanging as the centerpiece of a lovely golden garland on you and your beloved’s sweetheart table, if you’re having one of those. Whatever it is, it’s a great way to add true and beautiful meaning to your day when the person it’s representing can’t be there physically.

FYI, this is how Bambino has been staring at me the entire time I’ve been writing this post:

I think I’ll call it his “I care about you” look. At least, that’s what I’m calling it. What it actually is, is “I’ve been very patient, but as you can plainly see, I have left my yellow sticky toy at your feet. I’m sure this was not lost on you. I have sat here waiting, like you’ve trained me. And you have not thrown it ONCE. I am used to you throwing it 100 TIMES in the span of five minutes.

100 times. Five minutes.

But do you see any gooey saliva or person hair on my yellow sticky toy? NO. You do NOT.

Because you have not thrown it ONCE.

I would like to respecfully say, that I, Bambino McPuppyPants, III, Esq., do not like this shift in our relationship, and would like a return to normalcy at ONCE.

kthanksbye.

One more thing… I love you mom. YOU GOT TREATS?”

~ fin ~

I had to throw some silliness into this post, or else it would just be full on sentimental. So there you go, lovies. Me not being able to handle strictly emo blogging. Thanks for the comic relief, Bam.

{Addendum} One last thing before I get to today’s question, below. It was your response to this post (click to view), a pretty tough post to write, that encouraged me to share more of the personal side of this experience with you guys. You touched my heart so much that day and beyond, with your incredible words and personal stories. You guys are beautiful, and you make me want to be better every day.

So friendlies, I’m curious… do you like this idea, of creating a memory of a moment in time? Do you have any items that remind you of loved ones or meaningful events in your past? Do you think it’s a great way to involve those people or events in your wedding day?

I will tell you, Alison, that I adore your posts. It’s so nice to read a blog that isn’t the bitchy criticism that some of the personal wedding blogs have come to be. That said, I appreciate the sappy lovey I’m real blog posts more than anything else.

I wanted to share with you, I just got married. My grandparents are in fragile health but they made it. And the highlights of my day? Wearing my grandmothers locket around my neck, and dancing with my grandpa on the dance floor. He doesn’t move as much as he used to but he still flails his arms very spastically that just makes me love him all that much more.

Thank you for reminding me before Saturday that a wedding is about more than just the bride and groom. It’s about the decades of marriage and love that had to come together beforehand.

*thinking of you TKB* This was such a touching post – I had to keep tears from flowing. It’s a tough time, but a time to reflect and I 100% agree on your thoughts of creating a memory based off a moment in time. I think it’s one of the most powerful ways to create a single memory that has more meaning.

I never got to know my grandparents (they lived in another country) and I appreciate my boyfriend’s grandmother a lot because I didn’t get to know mine.

In short – I love that you and Honey are creating such a memorable moment out of something so meaningful.

Touching, brave post. My Dad & Gramps were long gone by the time we got married. I had the hardest time trying to think of a way to honor & remember them. In the end, I ordered a special flower arrangement that we placed right by us during the ceremony. It wasn’t the most original idea but it touched my heart. Since our January wedding, we lost a dear family friend & we have another family member fighting cancer. I remember both beautiful & smiling at our wedding. Because of the permanent hole in my heart, it was easy to realize who was missing at our wedding but thank goodness I counted the blessings of who was there to celebrate with us.

Big hugs to any & all who have lost a loved one & are planning a wedding~

Those kissing bears are so wonderful! Great piece to remember Grandma Henny by.

My fiance and I decided to get married around Christmastime because it’s a season I wholly associate with my Nana, who I lost nearly twelve years ago. We were also inspired by the Boston Ballet’s The Nutcracker for our color theme — I attended that ballet with my Nana every single year since I was born. I attended The Nutcracker the day she died in December, as my grandfather thought it a very fitting tribute to her memory and her love of the ballet when accompanied by her grandbabies.

I think of my Nana in every detail of our wedding planning, especially the decor. She had such affection for dance & the season’s beauty. It’s my hope that I can capture my Nana’s spirit in the details, both small & large.

Thank you, again, for your genuine words. Your impulse to celebrate & commemorate family is a testament to your good heart.

Beautifully written, as always. Your posts are one of the highlights of my day, whether they are lighthearted and fun, or “really deep thoughts.” (Sorry to be silly.) I’m super glad you have a huge virtual support system during your sad times. Hugs to you and Honey.

Tons of hugs and prayers to you and your honey! Your post really got to me since I too, call my grandma Oma (Omi, when my brother and I were young) and I deeply hope she will stay with us to see my fiance and I get married. We lost my grandpa tragically last year and it makes me cry knowing he will not be there to see his grandaughter get married.
OK, enough of this. No more tears!! Hugs to each of you and much love!

Aww. You sweetheart. That is so adorable. I definitely attached moments in time to certain things. I keep all sorts of stuff for sentimental reasons, and often times buy things specifically to capture the moment. It helps me remember. Helps me make sense of the important stuff that can so easily get a bit lost in all of the other stuff up inside this head of mine. I lost my grandma when I was at university and miss her horribly to this day. She was a huge part of my life. Still is. And always will be. This made me cry and wish I could have called her still. xxx

I had the blessing of falling into a job as a caregiver of a developmentally disabled adult by the name of P.A.T., or Patricia Ann Todd. She was a 55 year old sweetie head who wore a bright pink bicycle helmet everywhere she went (epilepsy). When I first started working at the company, Pat was supposed to be my temporary client until I found someone who lived closer to me, but after 2 weeks, I was attached. She taught me so much about life, about loving the people when they need it most, about seeing the beauty in people, about what’s really important. Over the years, I grew to love that lady so much, and it tore me apart everytime I encountered someone who didn’t honor her the way she deserved. She was a delightfully plump lady who always wore her pearls with her pink helmet. Her speech was slurred due to a surgery she had as a young adult, so people constantly not understanding her caused her frustration, and caused others to distance themselves.
Pat got breast cancer in 2009, and fought bravely, with a smile on her face. She beat it, and we moved on with our lives. Then in early 2010, she got diagnosed with lung cancer, inoperable lung cancer. She had family, but they were either out of state, or for the most part uninvolved, so I became her advocate and family, fighting for her rights and making sure her wishes were respected. We spent the next 9 months celebrating life by traveling, spending holidays together, and doing what she loved doing best, going to the dog park.
I really wanted her at my wedding. She never got invited to celebrations or to anyone’s house for a thanksgiving or Christmas dinner, and I gladly spent them with her. I knew she was awesome, few else did. I wanted her at my wedding because I wanted to honor her, to sit her in a place of honor, to tell everyone how special my Pat is. A few weeks before she died, i had hints that my love was going to propose. I chatted with her before my dinner date that I suspected he was going to propose, and I cried with her afterwards when he didn’t, and the realization that she wasn’t going to be there when he did ask, or at our wedding for that matter.

She died in February, and it’s been really hard. The worst part is not being able to show her off in the way I wanted by giving her a role in the ceremony, buying her a dress to wear, giving her flowers. I hate this. After the funeral, her family sent me Pat’s pearls that she used to wear all the time, which gave me a starting place on how to honor my sweet Pat at my wedding. I will be wearing her pearls on my wedding day, and will include a note about them in the service pamphlets. In addition to that, I want something at the reception that says something about her, and how important she was to me.

This post had me in tears from the beginning. My grandmother (Nonnie) went into the hospital the Thursday night before our wedding. She had congestive heart failure and was fortunate to be part of our lives for another seven months. I was not able to have anything special for her at the wedding, but my dad made a touching speech about her. It was the only time I broke down at the wedding and cried and my photographer captured it. Sometimes I wish she didnt but when I look through the pictures it reminds me of that moment. Since my Bonnie and my grandpa weren’t able to make it to the wedding, somehow their place cards were still put on the table. The photographer took a picture of them when she was taking a picture of the table. So now in a way I have a picture of them at the wedding.

Ah ok now I need to wipe up my tears because my best friend is coming over for wine night!

Thank you for an amazing post once again! (excuse typos, written on my iPhone)

These are all such beautiful, lovely posts, thank you all for reaffirming my faith in humankind (Dina, that was a gorgeous story and I wish you all the love and happiness in the world).

I lost my darling grandmother before she could see me happily married, but I *know* she was with me that day. We honored her in various ways… being married the same time of year, wearing her broach, getting married in a place that held significance to her. I miss her so much, I know she was with me that day.

Oh my. I am so sorry for your loss. Yes. Doves. In our family when one passes a dove appears. Always with other doves equally the amount of family members who pass. When my dear friend’s sister was killed, I told her a dove would appear. One day she walked outside and asked for a sign. Suddenly a dove flew over and sat on a wire above her. She was so grateful. … In memory of our Grandma M. we hang a gold clover she gave us on the fridge. Once a year the clover flies off the fridge and lands on the counter. Memories and symbols of loved ones are so important. Xoxo

Oh man… you just made me cry! and even though I’m on the verge of shark week, I’m certain that’s not why. This post just smacked me upside the head, grabbed me by the face like a 5 year old and laid a harsh reality check all up on me.

This specific sentence had a seriously profound effect – “find ways to employ these kinds of memory-soaked items in the decor and meaningful moments of your wedding day.” I have a very small family and I never really knew any of my extended family which has done a number on me over the years, especially the adult ones. I had one living grandparent by the age of 11 and I saw him maybe 8 times in the subsequent 15 years before he passed away 2 years ago. I wish more than anything that I had been given the chance to know all of them as people because I hear so much about them and what amazing people they were. I never would have thought to incorporate anything of theirs into the wedding to sort of memorialize them but also to feel connected with them even though we never knew each other. This is now a must! Ughhhhhh this crying madness is on the attack!

Also…. I LOVE THE BEARS CANVAS!!! So cute!

Putting out positive energies into this massive universe of madness for you and yours!

Thank you for this personal post. It really is nice to focus on what’s really important, our loved ones. Every day I try to focus more on the people that matter and less on “stuff”.
At my wedding I carried a handkerchief down the aisle that my dad’s mother and then my mother carried at their weddings. I didn’t know my dad’s mother well because she died when I was very young, but it meant a lot of honor that tradition.
I was very, very close to my maternal grandmother–Grammy. She was (and still is) one of the best people I’ve had the pleasure of knowing. I honor her memory every day because my new married last name is the same as her maiden name. When I met my husband, I knew Grammy had sent him to me.

Allison of New York? I sincerely want to hug the crap out of you…like. To where you may not breathe for 3 and a half seconds. But only 3 and half seconds because any longer might be too much.

I LOVE this idea — LOVE. I’ve been open in my own sister’s death, 7 years ago, when she was just 18. It was as unexpected, as raw, and as brutally heart wrenching as any death can be. I know NOTHING of my own wedding day — but I know the ways she will be honored.

I know I want to use a piece of her prom dress (ironically…a something blue too!) — to wrap around my bouquet…and then pinned will be a charmed photograph of Kellie. Simple. Nearly silent. But I know…as we all will know; she’s there.

Trust me. That kid STILL likes driving me crazy to THIS.DAY. Clothes go missing — and I KNOW it’s her. Because they NEVER go missing UNLESS it’s an important day. And it’s always the favorite shirt I had planned on wearing on said important day for WEEKS. Little sisters are but kickers, really. But it makes me smile. She’s here.

My dad also buys us a “Kellie Gift” every Christmas. Usually a piece of jewelry. A handmade bracelet, and inscribed ring, a necklace that reminds us, “I carry you in my heart” — my favorite “Kellie Poem”…we tie so many memories of TODAY to her…with gifts. Handwritten letters. Laughter at the dinner table. She’s here.

So…yes, in novella comment form? This is an absolutely amazing, beyond EXCELLENT idea. And I love the gift you and hubby and lil’ bam now tie to Grandma Henny. The canvas of eskimo kissing bears will warm your hearts every time you look at it knowing there is so much heart behind it.

Alison, this is such a sweet and beautiful idea. I’m so sorry to hear about your honey’s grandmother. I lost my Nana about a year and a half ago and it still hurts. She thankfully recovered from a bout of cancer in time to be at my own wedding, which was so wonderful and cherished. She passed away later that year. It was almost like she got better just in time to be there with me, to have a few more months. She was a beautiful and amazing person and if I turn out to be half the woman she was, I’ll be lucky. I wish you and your honey so much love and strength during this hard time. Thanks Alison for being real :)

YES, I’m so totally on board with incorporating meaningful, sentimental details into your wedding day. Especially when it comes to family and tradition. I love the bears, Alison, and I’m sure your Honey will too. I’m so glad you sprung for it now and I know it will be a cherished piece for both of you for many, many years. I’m sorry for your loss–and for the loss it’s reminding you of. Apparently it reminds us all of our own losses, and our own loved ones, which, in a way, isn’t all that bad. It reminds us to remember. xoxo

This is one of the sweetest, inspiring posts I’ve ever read as well as the comments. I had lost my grandmother almost two years ago and my sister this past February. When my grandmother passed I felt my heart ripped out of but I had my sister to help me through. When my sister passed, I felt that not only was my heart ripped out but stopped beating altogether. I was fortunate that both were able to be at my wedding, the last time we were all together. At a time when I feel alone, I read this post and it lets me know that I’m not. Thank you so much for sharing and all those that shared their loss. I love the idea of commemorating loved ones in your wedding and mementos to remember them.

My sister loved Paris, studied French, visited several times and wanted to live there. We were supposed to go after she was done with her bone marrow transplant. I have an Eiffel Tower key chain to keep her close and remind me of one the place that made her so happy and the experience that we were going to share.

So sorry for your loss!! I was never that close to my grandparents and I’m envious of people who are. I think it’s so lovely that you’ve both had such special relationships with these amazing ladies in your lives. Thinking of you xo

Such a beautiful post, i’m sorry for your loss. My own nan who i was so close too died 2 months ago and its been a very painful experience to realise she won’t be at the wedding she was so excited about. Even though i dont have any specific items to remind me of her i have lots of photos and memories and at the wedding, where we will have a ‘welcome to the family’ photo table she will be right there at the front xx

I’m so sorry for your loss! I’m going through it with my own grandma this week, I know the feeling.

My grandfather and my husband’s sister both passed before our wedding, so we set up a small table with photos of both of them with a very nice flower arrangment of daisies (her favorite flower) in blue and white with gold accents (Pop was in the Navy). I didn’t want to make it depressing, like leaving empty seats at tables or the ceremony, but I still wanted to feel like they were both there. The framed photos actually appear in the background of several of the pro photog’s images.

Thinking about you and your Honey during this hard time… Grandparents have this amazing energy. They shape and mold you throughout your life, teaching you lessons, narrating life stories, and being the type of person you want to be. I wish you both the best during this difficult time – and remember, as you mentioned, you wont ever forget them – and neither will your children. I’m getting married on Saturday, and all of my fiance’s and my grandparents have past. We have framed each of their wedding photos and are honoring them during our ceremony since they had been such HUGE influences in our lives. They will never be forgotten and each memory will always be cherished :).

Wow….stab. right. to. the. chest. This post was something I definitely feel like I needed. Bringing up ways to honor my FH father (who past away last year) at our wedding is a subject that we haven’t touched upon yet. It was a pretty rough road, which, although it hurt a lot to go through it, I feel it made us so much closer because we did it together. As natural as it all is etc…let’s face it, it sucks. It’s sucks for a long time until you are ready for it to not suck. So, first off, thank you for helping me with a good idea to commemorate a loved one who has passed away without lighting candles or leaving empty chairs etc and being sad. Second, I’m sorry you and your Honey, thoughts and prayers. Third and lastly before I get all teary eyed in my office…what color is that on your toes? Cause that just might be the shade of pink I’ve been looking for all summer, no lie.

I read the above about honey’s grandmother, please tell him I am thinking of him. You have my deepest
sympathy. Alison, you have a way with words. What you wrote about Omi brought me to tears. I miss her very much. She was the best, she loved everyone. See you Thanksgiving. Love

You are an amazing human being, and I know everyone you’ve lost is absolutely overwhelmed by all the love you’ve sent them and we feel towards them right now. And those kissing bears? The perfect tribute.

Thank you so much for your heartfelt/sweet/hilarious posts. I’m getting married in the spring and will be missing my mother who passed when I was in high school. Sharing your story reminded me that we all have loved ones we miss and there are so many ways we can remember and celebrate them on our weddings and everyday.

Big Hugs to you and your honey. Which means a lot as I am not a hugger. I love that you bought a piece of art that you love that will now forever be something you love for two reasons. I wore my Grandmother’s necklace that she wore on her wedding day and had photos of her on the cake table. She still talks about it to this day. She is obsessed really and I think she just loves that I wanted to include her in my day. I am thrilled to know that when she is no longer here, that I made that tribute to her.

I’m so behind on my blog reading these days (work is being a motherho), but I just wanted to give my condolences on Honey losing his grandmother. Death, no matter who and no matter when, is always difficult and sad. I imagine each day must be so difficult right now and there’s nothing any of us can say to alleviate that grief. But things will get better day by day. Take good care of each other and you’ll see it through to the other side.

Now, in response to your question, I love the idea of attaching objects to memories. Our little dog just passed away and I’m thinking about honoring his memory somehow, but I’m still not sure about the details. That being said, I think it’s a wonderful idea to incorporate those elements (or any others, really) in your wedding day to honor those that aren’t with us anymore. Shortly before our own wedding, A.P. lost his mother and at our head table, we included in our centerpiece a music box that was hers. It was a small detail, but it was so nice to look at it and remember her and know that in some way, even if it was just in our memories, she was there with us. : )

Alison, your story is very beautiful and touching and I’m honored and humbled my Kissing Bears made such an impact on you.
I think your idea to incorporate meaningful and ‘memory soaked’ items/ideas into your wedding celebration is great! Any wedding is a personal affair, and you should make it as much a reflection of you as you feel comfortable with. I love going to friends’ weddings that are “them”. They wouldn’t be my friends if they weren’t them, so why not celebrate that?
BTW, a photobooth at the wedding? Awesome guestbook / wedding photography idea!

It has been almost three months since she left us, and there are still no words to describe the loss of a mom who will never see you on your first anniversary, never see you turn 30, and never see you have children.

With my mom now gone, every morning I think of what would make her proud. I am writing a cookbook in honor of her, I am blogging, I am trying to enjoy each day in a new way.

My mom was a fabulous crocheter. I have some of her best pieces on display at home, and the rest, I wear. She’s with me everyday, keeping me warm.

Oh Alison, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. But what a lovely way to honor both your honey’s grandma & yours! Amazing post! For me, the best part about weddings is the gathering of families, and throughout our planning process, I would be hit by moments of deep sadness when the thought that my grandparents would not be there on my wedding day. Both of my maternal grandparents died before I graduated from college, but they are the reason I got there in the first place. Even sadder, both of my husband’s maternal grandparents (and his dad’s brother) passed away just a few months before the wedding. My heart broke, but we honored them all for sure at our wedding in our own way. I think you just have to keep remembering. Those moments you remember with your omi are what keeps the spirit alive. And if there is a a way to bring her and your honey’s grandma into the ethos of your wedding dsy, do it!