jumping into the blogging world - 2 feet first, eyes wide shut!
Mostly I want a medium to talk (to myself or other people) about my addiction to food. I'm about to embark on a journey through Overeaters Anonymous - I also want a way to keep a commentary as I struggle to find the way to a healthier me.

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Sunday, January 31, 2010

tonight I got an email inviting me to run at the Malibu International Marathon in November 2010. It would be 2 years after the Seattle Half Marathon. I'm considering it. I asked for motivation to start running again - the timing is uncanny.

And yes, I know - a lot of people probably got this invite - I'm not special...but the timing just couldn't be more perfect.

224.2I need to start exer cising though - if for no other reason than to be able to EAT more!! Summer of 2008 I exercised like a mad woman. Every day for 8 months. I went from being able to run for 60 seconds (and almost DYING!) in April to running a half marathon in November. I ran the first 10 miles and limped the last 3.1. But I crossed the finish line. I need to find that drive agian. Or that time. I don't know where I found the time - 2 hours a day to swim, bike, or run. Some day all three. I've been finding the motivation now for 31 days to eat right. ok, I was off the wagon for a couple days - but didn't throw myself in front of a train so I'm still dropping weight. Today my fridge is filled with food I CAN eat. veggies, fruit, prepared meals, ground turkey and chicken and while I didn't prepare my weekly lunches yet, I have the ingredients so I'm further ahead than usual. And I have my tur-chicken meatloaf. While I LOVE the weekends, from a food point of view, they're much harder. I am having an impact on my family, my husband is becoming more aware of my struggles and is being supportive (I have to say, he IS the best...)Work has limited food options, keeps my hands and brain busy most of the day, and I'm motivated by co-workers who are both complimentary and supportive. The combo is good for me. Off to start my weekend, what's left of it!

Saturday, January 30, 2010

well, now I have. My sexy and supportive husband commented today that he was trying to look at things through my eyes. That it must be frustrating to walk through the grocery store and see that cookies, candy, and chips were on sale - buy one get one free, half off, 3 for $1 for crying out loud - but veggies and healthy food were rarely on sale and generally more expensive. No wonder there's an obesity epidemic!! It's cheaper to eat badly! (Ok - I know that down deep, if you budget and plan, you can eat very healthy on just dollars a day). But at first glace, which is all most people do, cheap & easy = junk.

So with my husband's observation in mind, I went grocery shopping today. I said a few tearful goodbyes. To Oreos, Doritos, Ben and Jerrys. And while I know they're not gone forever, it was devestating to know that I can't control myself around these foods. (Case in point - frosting tonight. I can't even talk about THAT fiasco right now). Saying goodbye to junk food might sound dramatice - and I assure you it wasn't meant to be - but I was looking at foods and realizing in my head that while at some point I might be able to eat them again, in moderate portions, it's going to be a long road to that point. And that made me cry. Just a tear or 2. But I don't cry.

I think I'm going to start grocery shopping online for awhile. It's just too easy to get distracted by junk food at the store. And right now it's too hard.

In other news - news of the UPbeat...I made meatloaf tonight - one for my growing teenage boy and husband, and one for me. Their meatloaf was traditional. Mine however was a blend of ground turkey and chicken - plus onion and tomato sauce - and a bunch of seasoning. It's delicious!! I'll log it and am fairly certain I'll come in under my calorie count for the day.

Back on the wagon.

...and hopefully able to resist the cake I made from a receipe I heard online (cake made with Sprite!). with a little less than a full container of frosting.

Thursday and yesterday wasn't so good in the "pay attention to what you're eating" department. And I never just dip a toe into that pool - I full on swan dive face first mouth open into that deep dark pool. Thursday was an open house at the shop (my husband's business) and I prepared food for what was originally supposed to be 50 people. Turnout was closer to 300 - but nobody went hungy. I CAN feed a crowd! The 'turning moment' that day was I bought chips. My Kryptonite. Ruffles. They should effing sponsor me. Giant Costco bag of Ruffles potato chips - stuff dreams are made of. I opened the bag when I unloaded it from the car. Not the veggie chips like I should of - and not a portion in a bowl like I could have. one here..one there...unintentional snacking. Dammit. I ended the day with a piece of costco cake. The journey from chips to cake is still a blur.

And now I'm beating myself up. I need to stop this. Why is it that feeding myself feels like a treat but eating feels like a punishment - how can it be both?? The choosing food and chewing has a positive connotation for me - I DESERVE this. It's "good". But swallowing and acknowlegment of having consumed - bad. BAD. I need to figure out why the disconnect. As I'm saying this, my brain think "Oh - idea! Eat, Chew - spit it out - right? Easy solution!" But wow, that seems so...wrong. So...abnormal. So...borderline bat shit crazy.

So Friday started good - I was at work, it's easy to stay on track at work - I have a limited pantry there (stuff I bring for myself) and with the occasional mini hershey's bar (which gets logged!), I do ok. Then home - work at the shop with Hubby - and he suggests dinner. My brain immediately goes to "well, I effed up yesterday, so why not - bring it ON!"

So I ate tortilla chips, salsa, and a huge entree of delicious butter drenched shrimp and mushrooms. And - this is where I feel the guilt - I didn't log any of it. My last 2 days of food entries are empty.

But I braved the scale this morning - 225.0Ok. I'm not 300 again - I'm not even 239 like how I rang in the New Year...and I'm resolved to not beat myself up. I'm letting this go. Today is a new day and today I will treat my body the way it deserves.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

I don't know what I weighed when I was born - average sized I would presume. As a young girl and up until roughly puberty, I was scrawny. I ran around, played outside, participated in sports, had knees that stuck out farther than the meat on my thighs. I hit puberty - and while I won't blame it entirely on puberty - the timing is suspect. I don't know what I weighed in high school. I don't remember getting on a scale. And there WAS no blogging back then - there were diaries but I spent my time writing about Layne Browing who I had a giant crush on. And Steve somebody or another, and how my teachers were boring. I remember having a harder and harder time finding clothes that fit - the stores only went so high in size and there were no plus size stores. I was probably a size 12 or so? But I was still active - VERY active even. I swam on swim team, played basketball, ran track, even tried tennis for a short time. I was on the flag team - the biggest girl but not obscenely so. And while I was aware of my weight - and a few eating issues that were starting to emerge - I wasn't too worried about it. My mom was nonchalant. She was always on some crazy diet herself. Only grapefruit, no fats, salad for dinner...I don't remember the specifics, I was pretty self absorbed. Like every other teenager. I do remember making frosting. powdered sugar, milk, butter, and vanilla. stir it until smooth - and eat. Yup - Gross. And hiding the eating. Not conscientiously - but definately not binging in front of anyone. I had babysitting jobs and a steady income. And was independant enough that sneaking food wasn't noticed. I look back and see the patterns beginning.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Struggles - not much about eating is easy or fun for me. Cooking and baking - that part I love. Eating? Not so much. Not to say I don't enjoy it but it's such a grab basket of emotions that it becomes a chore. So I tend to block out when I'm eating. Anyone else out there reach down for another bite and find that at some point between when you started eating and that fuzzy period to now, you've finished your food. The meal you vowed to enjoy, the snack you spent the morning planning and thinking about - gone. It's almost a black out - and you didn't get to enjoy a single bite. And now, if you're lucky, you're full and have to wait until the next meal/snack to eat again. Or not. I overeat. Even with gastric bypass. Not as much as before - but eating when you're not hungry is technically overeating, regardless of quantity. I struggle with obsession. There are some foods that I obsess about. And they're not always predictable. Oh sure - chocolate can disstract me from nearly anything. But sometimes it's a juicy steak, or a loaded baked potato, or even a diet soda. My brain likes to take a simple thought, a small picture, the mention of a word - and turn it into a "GOT TO HAVE IT NOW" obsession. It's this habit that I so often struggle with. There are aisles in the grocery store that I just have to avoid (or RUSH through!!) when I'm eating healthy. One of the best pieces of advice someone once gave me was "If you buy it, you will eat it." And it's so true!! I currently have a pack of cookies at my house. And they've been there for awhile. But I crave them, I obsess about them - and I've given in once. It was easier when the package wasn't open. But now that it is, it's like "game on" i ate 7 the first time (but did log them!) and last night I treated myself to 3 of them (on the log as well - so that's progress). But the fact that I ate the first 4 after making sure nobody was listening, stealthily opening the package and eating them in secret. Ya - I got issues. I know.

ending this on a more positive note: I do not struggle with drinking large quantities of water. I do not struggle with eating in front of people. I can't think of anything else. Surely there's more that I do NOT struggle with.or not.

Monday, January 25, 2010

late to the blogging game - that's me. I still haven't figured out exactly what I'll talk about in here but I talk a LOT so I'm sure topics won't be hard to come by. I'm a 41 year old mom of 2 teenagers - newly married to my one true love. I wear many hats: mom, wife, employee, friend, triathlete, marathoner (well, half marathoner but still!), motorcycle rider, motorcycle racer, confidant, sarcastic - wait, that's not a hat, is it?! Anyway, you get the picture. I read so many people and their bucket lists - I have done almost everything I want to do - I go after adventure whenever it presents itself (no - I won't ever bungee jump, don't ask me to). I spent the first 35 or so years of my life abused by the men in it - first my father, then my boyfriend and when I married that loser, my husband became my abuser. But, because this is the internet and available to everyone, I'd prefer to keep most of those details in general terms. When I got divorced in 2002, it was truly a new beginning. Not only for me, but for my 2 children. I found out horrid details after the divorce about how they were treated that make my hair curl. I do not regret marrying my ex. I DO regret not divorcing him sooner. I'll leave it at that. In 2003, I met my match. We met online. Yup, I kissed a lot of frogs, didn't meet any maniacs, and ended up with the one person on the planet that completes me. Enough mushy stuff. 6 years later - at the top of a mountain in Glacier Park, MT - he proposed. I still tear up at the memory of it. 11 months later, I was escorted down the aisle by my wonderful step dad and took the first step towards "Happily Ever After". *see - I told you I talked a lot!*Now we're living happily just north of Seattle, raising 2 teenagers and 2 dogs, no white picket fence but only because it didn't come with the house. Virtually there's one there. And that's all that matters.

One topic I want to deal with in this blog is my addiction. Not alcohol. Not gambling, sex, or drugs. It's so much more acceptable and widely available. And everyone has to deal with it every day. Most of them deal with it better than me. At least it feels that way.

Food. I love it. I hate it. I love it. No, wait, I hate it. Well, I go back and forth. A lot. I am starting a 12 step program - not as a last ditch effort to lose weight (no - that was gastric bypass in 2001 - too bad that surgery is only below the neck, I'm still broken above the neck). Don't get me wrong, it "worked", I've lost 130 pounds. But I've still got 80 or so to go. And I'm still addicted to food. So - stick with me - I can't promise to educate, enlighten, or empower you - I can hope that you follow along, laugh every now and then - and maybe there's a soul or 2 out there who can benefit from my trials and tribulations.