And tonight, my heart aches the most for you. Tonight, I’m looking up at the moon, casting shadows and light across my darkened room, and I reach out with my fingers, touching the light and wishing that light was you instead. And I wonder. What would your skin look like in this light? Would it look as pale as mine? Would you feel warm beneath these fingertips? Would you stop the cold from spreading through me? Would you hold me? Stay with me? Would you be mine?

How can you not see the potential brewing beneath your flesh? How can you not fathom how incredibly talented you are? At everything you do. By existing, you put others to shame. By existing, some are threatened. Jealous. Envious. Some might even dare to challenge everything you are. Stab you in the back, even. But to me, I see someone chasing her dreams and catching them. I see brilliance.

You dared to chase your dreams without giving any fucks in the process. How can you not see how admirable that is? How can you not feel the power oozing from your fingertips? Or the bravery? Or the unbridled joy you feel when you are in your element? I see it. I see it all. And you, my darling, are my fucking hero.

Like this:

“Giving you my heart was the right choice.
As if it was ever a choice at all.”

And you shined. Oh how your light landed so softly upon my hair like drizzle in a cool spring morning. How your light made the clouds shimmer just a little more, as if they were carrying glitter instead of mundane mist. How your light speckled across the night sky mirroring the freckles on your cheeks.

And you shined. You shined from the first moment I saw you. You never stopped. That was how I knew my heart would always be safe with you.

Like this:

“It’s easy to hide behind a mask.
A façade of joy when all you feel is emptiness.”

Shadows and light, just like depression and happiness — you cannot have one and appreciate — or dare I say understand them for what they are without having experience with the other.

This is why hope is so important. You can never know how someone truly feels. However dark or light, it’s easy to hide behind a mask. A façade of joy when all you feel is emptiness. With some hope in the form of a person who cares can mean the difference between life and death.

If only I was brave enough. To not let all the what ifs and obstacles stand in my way. To follow my heart, no matter the outcome. To not let my own walls stop me from breaking through. I suppose that’s my only regret. The not knowing. Not knowing what was in front of me, waiting the whole time. Not knowing what would happen if I lost someone that meant so much to me. But slowly, you showed me that my fears didn’t need to be shackles. You turned out to be right. You showed me that love can overcome any obstacle. You showed me that no matter what, you were here for me. That I was strong enough to face my fears. That I was enough to be loved by you. And that no matter what, I am enough.

This heart of mine is weak and weary. Carrying the weight of yesteryear. And I am trapped, unable to release the shackles pulling me down. My only beacon of hope is far off in the distance. Perhaps it’s only a mirage. But I cannot allow myself to admit defeat. I cannot let that weight placed upon me all those years ago to overpower me. For I am capable. I am strong. And I can outlast this phase of overwhelming darkness.

Regression to the mean is a common statistical and Buddhist phrase. When it comes to life, if the scales are tipped to the negatives, life will improve. Conversely, if there’s too much good fortune, it will worsen. But it will always come back to the center. Remember that during your worst days. They will get better.

Like this:

“I’ll keep trying to find my way through the dark.
Find my way back to you.”

Peace is something I’ve been searching for. Sometimes I find it, but it’s always fleeting. Perhaps it’s just me, but it feels as though I’m stuck on a turntable, unable to find my way back to where I need to be. Maybe one day, I’ll find that solace again. But until then, I’ll keep trying to find my way through the dark. Find my way back to you.

Like this:

“But my love, you aren’t trapped in a cage.
Don’t you see that glass ceiling is meant to be broken?”

But my love, you aren’t trapped in a cage. Don’t you see that glass ceiling is meant to be broken? That you’re meant to rise beyond them and fly free once again? That it’s just a façade trying to keep you caged? Dare to break free, all you have to do is spread your wings and fly.

Can you see it too? The sparkling lights overhead. The colors flying around like bioluminescent fireflies. The music dancing through the air. The smile in your eyes. The awe in your smile. The unbridled joy in your cheeks as you blush. Can you see it too? How you move me. How you move everyone and everything around you. How you envision our future together. How much I love you and all you are. How your dreams are mine, no matter what they are. And my love, I’ll happily spend my life trying to make each one come true.

Grief overwhelmed me and my arms moved inside his coat and wrapped around his waist. All I could do was hug him while I sobbed. After an instant of hesitation, he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. He smelled like wood smoke and it was home.