9 rules for surviving Oktoberfest

1. Hitch those hosen – Yes, you'll look like an idiot in lederhosen or a bosom-lifting dirndl. The good news is, so will everyone else. Oh, and cross-dressing is apparently fine.

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2. Belt out "Ein Prosit der Gemütlichkeit" – Important anthropological note: Bavarians like to sing, and no more often than at Oktoberfest. Last year they invited Japan's top yodeling star, Sakura Kitagawa, to belt out a few numbers at the big beer shindig.

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3. Find table, don't visit rest room – Oh, look at all those lovely empty Oktoberfest tables! They won't be empty for long. Book early, like the Germans, or you won't visit the rest room for fear of losing your seat.

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4. Sit on that Viking helmet – Missing: One Teutonic pillager's hat. That item somehow makes sense at Oktoberfest, but some of the other items ending up in lost property there don't bare thinking about. Point being: Bring your singing voice, lederhosen, dirndl and some euros -- and little else.

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5. Drink like a European – Drink moderately, that is, although the Germans can't be that mature because they do have the word Bierleiche (beer corpse) for someone like this resting Oktoberfester.

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6. Elect your tent – A tent isn't just a tent at Oktoberfest, but a sign of your personality type. Celebrities of various grades gather at the Hippodrom tent -- here a German designer of trad Bavarian wears what looks like a floral spaceship landing on her head.

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7. It could be Wurst – Unashamedly heavy, piggy German food just happens to be the perfect protection against excessive wheat beer consumption. If you're vegetarian, there's sauerkraut.

9. Play the tourist -- buy a souvenir – No, this isn't magic beer, but Oktoberfest novelty key rings. Available, along with beer-themed snow globes and more, in Munich starting this weekend.

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Story highlights

Don't worry about looking ridiculous in lederhosen: everyone does

Be prepared to sing along in voluble if not terribly accurate German

Choose your "personality tent"

Discover which way a virgin wears her dirndl bow

Raised steins, raised bosoms, leather-clad Bavarian thighs.

Oktoberfest's sure got a beer tent full of clichés about it.

But bet you don't know why "Gemütlichkeit" is untranslatable (let alone unpronounceable), what false teeth were doing in the lost property bin last year and whether the yodeling or oompah tent would best suit your personality.

Read on, Lieblings.

Bavaria's biggest beer love-in kicks off in Munich on Saturday, September 21, and runs through October 6.

1. Gird your bosom, hitch those hosen

Worried that squeezing into a bosom-lifting dirndl or a pair of skin-tight lederhosen will make you look ridiculous?

Don't worry: it will, but considering almost everyone will also resemble an extra in a B-grade medieval romp, you'll fit right in.

To put it another way, when in Bavaria, do as the Bavarians do -- and they're pretty proud of their huntsman-and-strapping-maid heritage.

Schottenhamel and Hofbräu-Festzelt tents each have a mammoth 10,000 seats (around six million people will attend the festival in total), filled with a generally youngish, oompah-singing, rollicking international crowd.

Champagne-drinking celebrities hang out in the Hippodrom or Käfer's Wies'n-Schänke tent.

Arguably the best beer is served in the traditional, family-friendly Augustiner (where people are likely still to be noticing such things), though the roaring lion at the Löwenbräu would have something to say about that.

Would-be shepherds drink under a painted sky at Hacker-Pschorr, dubbed the Himmel der Bayern ("Bavarian heaven"), while Bräurosl has a resident yodeler.

7. Do your Wurst

Luckily, Oktoberfest food -- make that German food, in general -- seems designed to protect the stomach, and reputation, against excessive wheat beer consumption.

A meal of Wurst in various guises -- pork knuckles with sauerkraut, goulash and dumplings and pretzels as big as your head with Obatzda, a Camembert-paprika dip -- is ideal preparation for a more or less civilized session at the stein table.

Saueres Lüngerl -- sour calf-lung dumplings -- is another Bavarian speciality, yet one that risks having the opposite effect from that intended.

Married to a large professional football player (Daniel van Buyten) this Oktoberfest lady is no doubt wearing her dirndl bow to the right.

Banquets!

Maidens!

Debauchery ...

... er, no.

Bavarians might let their braces down at Oktoberfest but while flirting is fine, even expected, it stops at a very firm line.

You can call a lady fesch (pretty), but don't imagine you're in the aforementioned B-grade medieval romp and start praising her Gaudinockerln (lit. lovely dumplings -- no need to spell it out).

Ladies, be aware of the signals your dirndl bow is sending out: to the right means attached, to the left, single, in the center -- not recommended and somehow unlikely to be true -- a virgin.

9. Play the proper tourist

Believe it or not, there's more to Oktoberfest than beer-guzzling, thigh-slapping revelry.

You can see its more traditional side at Saturday's opening Festzug, where a thousand tent owners and brewers parade through Munich's streets with horse-drawn, flower-bedecked drays laden with barrels.

It's also kitsch heaven, with Oktoberfest-themed steins, fridge magnets and snow globes on sale, plus the chance to get a last-minute embroidered dirndl or lederhosen (used or unused).