Friday April 14th

Today I am starting over. Today begins my do-over. I am a new person today and the past is the past and does not matter.

Today I am going to:

take a walk

clean my apartment

drink lots of water

tell myself, “So you had a shit life- it’s made you tough. You are tough. You are strong. You are smart. You can do anything.”

I have deleted my OK Cupid account. I am not ready for that. For a relationship. And, I’ve never, ever had any luck meeting anyone that way in the 7 years or so I’ve tried it. I also deleted my Bumble BFF app. It was just to find friends- not dates. but I just can’t do that right now. I have logged out of Facebook, and I think I need to stay off of there, too. I didn’t deactivate my account- just logged out. I am very lonely. I have no friends here. I think that alone just may be my lot in life, though. I wish I was closer with my daughter, but my mother wrecked that for me. I have no chance with my daughter as long as my mother is living. I would like to think that when my daughter has children she would want me there to help her, but I know that is highly unlikely to happen. I am irrelevant in her life. It’s funny that I was always the irrelevant one in my family of origin, and my mother and sister have managed to indoctrinate my own child into that line of thinking as well. My mother and sister treat me like dirt under their shoe, but my daughter doesn’t see that. They treat my daughter like a princess, so she couldn’t care less that they treat me like shit. I fantasize about having children that love me fiercely and would fight anyone for me and would stand up for me and tell people that are mean to me to go to hell. Neither kid is ever going to do that. I know my therapist has told me that I put it on myself- that something must be wrong with me, but it’s not me. That is tough to believe when I seem to always be the one that’s left out.

It’s so hard to keep getting up every day and trying again when I am so unhappy.

Just Keep Swimming

I am a 47 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, "just keep breathing in and out, that's enough for today."