Canadian Teen Fights Alien Mailbox on LSD

America’s hat has never exactly been a beacon of excitement, but a recent story from Port Moody, British Columbia offers some true insight into how the Canada’s Youth entertain themselves after hockey season concludes.

On July 15th, an unnamed 15-year old was apprehended by what I assume was a band of Mounties, while reportedly fighting a mailbox deep in the throes of an LSD mindfuck. I imagine this youth woke up that day as every Canadian does, in a state of chipper boredom that’s absolutely nothing to “eh?” about. Since he was far too young to emulate your typical pasty Canadian alcoholic, hard drugs seemed the clear and superior option.

While the opening moments of his trip may have been an enlightening voyage into the expanses of the mind, stepping outside spiraled him into a state of paranoia. After realizing that his neighbor’s mailbox looked like an angry judgmental alien, he began a simple conversation, which I assume consisted of questions like “Why are we here?” and “Is that red flag thing like…your cock?”

When the mailbox-alien creature refused to respond, he acted with the most primal of human emotions. He beat the extraterrestrial shit out of his postal enemy, and continued to do so until police arrived on the scene. Though he acted violently upon his arrest, he was released by the department because filing charges on a bored hippie Canadian teen were simply “not in their best interests.” One of the most surprising and hilarious parts of this story lies in the prompt social media coverage by the Port Moody Police Department Twitter account. @PortMoodyPD regularly offers hilarious tweets regarding the calls and issues that arise, and kept their followers in the know with a simple tweet of “A call of a male fighting with a mailbox.”

I imagine that Canada isn’t a particularly violent place with all their oval disconnected heads, square wheels, and “I’m not your buddy, guy” demeanor. Reading more of this Twitter feed only confirms my suspicions. Here are a few gems, you’ll see what I mean:

“We just had a male attack a garbage can. We’re having a bit of an issue with inanimate objects.”

“An ejected patron of a bar was found to have multiple flaps of cocaine.”

“It was a fight on the street between friends. An intervener got bit in the arm. We were advised it was “typical guy stuff.” #debatable”

“We are dealing with an apartment that has been taken over by crackheads.”

“Shirtless male arrested after running through brambles.”

“We’ve been busy with noisy parties, a couple of driving complaints, and a report of a dog barking in an apartment for 14 hours straight.”

“Another in custody for intox in public. We are running out of room at the inn.”

“Another in custody for being intoxicated in public. We found him face down, passed out, hugging a case of beer.”

“We’ve visited a loud party.”

“Routine matters so far. Assisted with a stalled vehicle, some pocket dialed 911 calls, and someone was stuck in an elevator.”

Essentially, there seem to be a lot of drunk and or crackhead Canadians, and not much else to worry about whatsoever. I guess they just like to party. Follow @PortMoodyPD to bask in the hilarity of true #CanadianProblems.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

^ We have like two Canadian chapters. One of them visited my chapter on a regular basis. My first experience with them was getting a call on a Thursday morning informing me that “the Canadians are here.” University police had stopped them from playing bocci ball around campus because they were dragging a large cooler with them, shotgunning beers and “disrupting students attempting to attend class.” You can call them not frat, but they descended upon my campus like a pack of angry elk and raged as hard as anyone I have ever seen.