Push present

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Involving the entire family in the pregnancy and delivery can maximize gifts more efficiently than being driven to the rich side of town for Trick-or-Treat.

A push present is a gift that new mothers expect after giving birth. It is not to be confused with the presents the little lady got during the baby shower, with the ice cream with pickles that the family tripped over itself to give her on every alleged craving, nor all the extra chores everyone did for her on the pretense of her "not being able to bend over." She is supposedly due one more gift and it does no good to deny her.

The term refers to the "pushing" that a woman does during labor. From the woman's standpoint, it refers to the muscular contractions that push the baby out. From everyone else's standpoint, it refers to the pushing (distending) of the vagina that makes it next-to-useless for the many years between those brief moments when it plays its more minor role as the "birth canal."

This despite the fact that no pushing was ever necessary. But it does no good to ask what was so wrong with slicing her belly open to get the kid out and keep the vagina intact; any more than it was useful to debate why she couldn't keep wearing her hair long or debate the supposed doctor's orders that kept her from staying on the Pill in the first place.

The push present stretches, as it were, back to biblical times. The first recorded push present occurred at the nativity of Jesus, as recorded in the Gospel of Luke and Matthew. The "virgin" Mary in fact was a regular at several of the area's better orgies, a fact that was found out by both of the local newspapers, the Herald and the Star. Around December 25, both the herald and the star appeared and Mary knew she would be blackmailed with information on these wanton trysts. Her only way of paying the blackmail was to induce three of her lovers to provide her with gifts. They were wise men and complied, even dressing up as kings (as it was much later that Halloween was moved to October). They delivered gold as well as the somewhat less useful Frankenstein and merde. Mary's secret was safe, the bastard and soon-to-be-Savior was born, and so was one of life's more burdensome rituals.

The charming tradition fell into disuse until the Middle Ages, when it was revived by the sorceress Morgana on the birth of Mordred. The push present in this case was the entire Round Table, English agriculture, and the fate of the country. Setting a pattern that would continue to the present day, however, Arthur grew a pair after a night of heavy drinking, and stood up to Morgana, who was hoist on a variety of petards.

King Henry VIII of England was another believer in the push present, but only if the mother produced a boy. His first wife, Catherine of Aragon, got a cannon when she gave birth to a boy (taken back when the child died a few months later). Second wife Anne Boleyn was S.O.L. as her son was D.O.A. Third wife Jane Seymour was going to get a lovely new set of clothes when she produced the future Edward VI, but was dead a week later, and the push present was burnt in mourning.

A 2007 survey of over 30,000 respondents found that 38% of new mothers received a push present, and 55% of pregnant mothers wanted one. That represents a net 17% for whom childbirth will always represent yet another unique moment during which they were slighted. About 40% of both groups said the baby itself was already sufficient reward. They do not mean it.

As elsewhere in health care, prevention is far less expensive than remediation.

Kim Kardashian is a modern recipient of the push present, seen across America when she gave birth to baby North West for a TV reality show in 2013. This would leave seven other compass points with which to boost future ratings, provided Kim and Kanye stay together. That the reader is not in the same budgetary league is a nuance that his own expectant wife will surely not take into account.

Push presents may take the form of jewelry, a vacation (as though she hasn't had nine months off!) or even a car. The man's first impulse at the "blessed event" is to shout between her legs to see if there is now an echo. However, men who think that their Playstation 3 delivered more enjoyment are thinking only of positives and not of avoidance of negatives. It is not the first time that a woman parlayed her Naughty Bits into cash, but it is a rare occasion that she does so with her shrew-of-a-mother standing there, frowning at the obvious inadequacy of your gift.

Apropos of avoiding negatives, men who can master the science of coitus interruptus have the opportunity to gift themselves a nice pull present.