Question Time

When I look up submissive or submission in the dictionary I am greeted with such words as ‘meek’ ‘obedient’ ‘passive’ and compliant an I can only assume that these strict dictionary definitions have in many ways contributed to the many myths that surround submission and submissive within the context of BDSM. I am a submissive woman (I know, not really news to you lot) in a 24/7 D/s relationship with my Dom and husband. We both work from home and so we pretty much spend all day everyday together. It is utter bliss and yet someone said to me the other day, ‘isn’t that hard work, being submissive all day long?’ Say what?

My issues with this question are many, but first let me say, I love questions, you learn so much from questions and I always encourage people to ask them of me, especially when it relates to this subject area but sometimes questions make you realise that some people just don’t get it AT ALL. Anyway, back to the actual question…

Firstly the implication with this question is that being submissive is some form of act on my part which I engage in just to please him, that me being submissive is purely beneficial to him. I truly think that this person believed that I spent my day running around behind him catering to his every whim whilst bowing and scraping with a ‘yes sir, no sir’ response. Let me assure you, nothing could be further from the truth, although I do call him Sir I am not a domestic servitude type of sub.

Secondly the D/s part of our relationship is not something we switch on and off. Now for some people it is, this does not make them any less Dom or sub by the way it just means there D/s relationship works differently for them than it does with us

Thirdly why would I chose to be submissive if it was ‘hard work’. Surely a lifestyle choice such as this, is only one you would choose, if it enhanced who you were and your relationship. So yet again we are back to the idea that within a D/s relationship the person who benefits the most is the Dom.

To answer the question directly, no, it is not hard work to be submissive all day long, it is not a conscious act or performance on my part is a natural to me as being married. Change the word in the question from submissive to married and that is in essence what you are asking me. Oh and before you tell me being married can be hard work, I am not denying that but in the context of the question that was clearly not the version of ‘hard work’ that was being referred to.

I suspect by now you are wondering why on earth I am telling you all this and there is a reason, apart from me just waffling on, and that is I am constantly faced by people’s misunderstanding and prejudice when it comes to being a submissive and not just from people who have no experience of BDSM, D/s or kink but from people who do. On top of this there is all the D/s erotic fiction that is out there (and I am referring to published erotic fiction here) which I am sad to say may on occasion make my cunt wet but rarely can I identify with it as having anything remotely connected to my life. Yes we all like to escape into a book now and then and Count Bonkalot in his large gothic castle with his servants and dungeons and deviant ways is not a bad way to go but these books have little to do with a nurturing, fulfilling, passionate, loving D/s relationship and then on top of this we have 50 Shades, and all its look-a-likes, that portray submission and D/s in a very narrow, and for most people within these relationships, incorrect light.

So, and yes I am about to get to my point, one of the sessions I am running at next months Eroticon Conference is called Myth busting: the submissive woman and it my chance to try to challenge some of the myth that surround submission and D/s relationships both in the real world and also within erotic fiction. The session is not that long considering the amount of possible material one could include and I also do not wish to spend the majority of the time talking at the audience because I am certain they are a bright and fairly well-informed bunch to start off with and so I am hoping that by allowing them to contribute with questions it will help to open up the session to debate and allow varying view points to be aired. However I do have some key areas that I want to cover but I also want to give you, yes any of you, the opportunity to contribute too. I have a series of questions for you. The first 3 are aimed at those of you who identify in some way with the label submissive (they are aimed at submissive women but I am always interested to hear from submissive men too) and the last 2 are for ALL of you. Answer as many or as few of them as you like. You can either leave your answer here in the comment sections, email them to me [email protected] or else post them on your own blog if you so wish and let me know they are there.

What are top 5 myths/beliefs you would like to dispel about submissive women?

As a submissive woman… use up to 5 words to describe you or your submission?

In erotic fiction what are the most common ‘wrongs’ you come across that don’t work for you a submissive woman?

If you could ask a submissive woman any question what would it be?

If you could ask ME any question what would it be?

Mollyxxx

Ps… If you are coming to my session on the day there will be the facility to ask questions anonymously as well!

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I might challenge you on the hard work thing though; although I completely agree that it is (clearly) not hard work for you in the way the question asked, I know that everything that brought you to your current situation, and sometimes the balance between being a parent and a submissive and a loving wife, is hard work. But only in the way that nothing worth having comes easy. When I look at you, you seem to be a woman who is happy to do the work. And I’m so glad you get the rewards.

Oh I don’t disagree on bit about it being hard work. Adult relationship require work and attention and sometimes they are hard-work. Finding the balance between all the parts of who I can indeed be challenging and yes, life can sometimes be bloody hard work but being with him, accepting and living my submission, that is not hard work in the sense of being exhausting. Challenging yes, hard-work, not really. I have never claimed that our life is some sort of romantic whirlwind but the question was most definitely asked in a negative way of being submissive. It implied it was something I could just switch on or off and as I said in my piece that it was something wearisome.

Some interesting points! I’d love to attend your session but alas I’m running a writing workshop at the same time. I write femsub erotic fic and identify as sexually submissive (I usually qualify the adjective with the adverb so people don’t mistake it as a personality trait). My biggest gripe w/ much femsub erotica is the blank-slate heroine whose submissive desires are awakened by Mr Masterful. I’m very much in favour of sexually submissive women having ownership of their sexuality.

And I sorta appreciate your point about wishing for more authentic, ‘correct’ D/s representations in fic, but a novel centering on a ‘nurturing, fulfilling, passionate, loving D/s relationship’ would be pretty damn dull! Novels need conflict. Happiness ain’t a narrative! Authors aren’t necessarily ignorant of the reality of D/s (though of course. some are). I’m sure in many cases, they’re merely clued up about the requirements of writing fiction that will draw readers into a compelling story.

Hi Kristina.. That is a shame that our sessions clash but maybe we can catch up during one of the breaks and discuss this more. I completely agree with you with regards to the ‘blank slate’ and actually I have found within the D/s world that for many couples I know it has nearly always been the submissive woman who has awoken the dominant rather than the the other way round!

I don’t think a novel centring on a ‘nurturing, fulfilling, passionate, loving D/s relationship’ would be dull (unless it was written as so) I think like all relationships this can be a struggle to achieve and always comes with personal conflict and growth. I think my issue is that so much D/s erotica is about the Dom taking all he wants and the sub giving into that… there is little exploration of the deeper mental connections that occur or the exploration of dark sexual desires combined with love. Likewise love is not always the key either.

I think for me it is the challenge to create submissive characters that do show accurately the conflict that being submissive creates for many woman within their lives and also challenge some of the concept about D/s relationship that there really is no, one size fits all, dynamic.

Probably the biggest myth is that there is a lack of respect or equality among the participants…especially from the Dom toward the sub. Another is that the sub has not control in the situation, no power of his or her own. Thirdly, it’s not all whips and chains and leather boots. Pain and/or humiliation are not required (or even common) attributes of a D/s relationship. And last, that the sub worships the Dom and loves while the Dom simply uses and shows affection for the sub as if he/she were a loyal dog. 5 words to describe a sub: equal, respected, loved, appreciated, and powerful. For your third question…I’d give the same answers as for the first.

This is a very thought provoking topic. I’m dealing with a time in my life where my Dom isn’t being very “Dommy”. It’s something we are working on but my submissive side is still there and I love doing things for him because it makes me happy. I’m just looking for a little more give from Him to make it a real D/s relationship. This is not to say we can’t continue to be the romantic/loving couple that we are now I’m just looking to be possessed and conquered. I think though instead of focusing on what he is and isn’t as a Dom, for now I will focus on who I am as a submissive woman. Thanks for the questions! I’ll be posting about this in my own blog soon.

I have read this post twice now (been really busy and trying to catch up with my reading!). I think I want to write a post about this so will bookmark your post and come back to it, linking back in the comments here for you. It may take a while as I am so busy right now but I will get there with it.

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