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When anger rolls in

Sentinel & Enterprise

Updated:
12/16/2012 06:32:49 AM EST

Parent Forward By Bonnie J. Toomey

When the kids were little I used to tell them to remind me to count to 10 if I began raising my voice at them. I didn't want them to think yelling and screaming your way out of things was the way to go.

At a checkup, I told my doctor about my strategy, and she suggested that sometimes it was OK, even necessary, for the kids to see what "Mommy's boiling point looked like."

That little piece of advice set me free from the intense pressure and guilt I felt over the thought of losing my cool as a mom in front of my four little loved ones, who were always in the midst and underfoot.

Now that my children are grown and out on their own, my time has become my own -- and you would think after raising an energetic and involved family of six I could manage to get my little old self to appointments, events and work without reaching that same boiling point I was so careful about keeping out of my parenting style.

But I was reminded of my "tempest in the teapot" recently while planning a surprise party for my husband's birthday. A list of errands to make it all come together began with my morning schedule coming to a screeching halt before I even got started. When I turned the key in the ignition my car wouldn't start. Then I went to use my cell phone, which was dead.

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"Are you serious?!" I screamed at the top my lungs, wanting to throw my phone through the frosty windshield and send it clear over the hill.

I stomped back inside the house, plugged my phone in, and called my husband for tech support. After I got my car started with some battery jumpers, it was too late for slow-flow calming yoga, which I was hoping to squeeze in before the busy preparations for that evening's festivities got under way. I called my daughter to let off some steam.

That night, winding down after a successful soiree for my sweetheart, we sat with a couple of friends who had stayed on. During the course of our comfortable conversation I confessed my early morning storm-in-a-teacup behavior. My friends thoughtfully posed questions such as "Where do you fall in birth order?" and "Do you get frustrated easily?" and "What is your personality type?"

While I was happy just to relax and laugh about it after the fact, they truly wanted to get to the bottom of my anger.

They pressed on with "What do you say to your kids when they get angry?"

Good question. To answer that, I had to find out one thing.

Why do we get angry in the first place?

Some say it comes from frustration, or insecurity, or being anxious or fearful. For some, anger triggers old childhood memories, which can be painful.

Even more importantly, is getting angry bad for us?

Ryan Martin, Ph.D., anger researcher and chair of the psychology department at the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay, writes about it in his blog called "All the Rage" in Psychologytoday.com. In a post called "Five Things to Know About Anger," he carefully points out, "One of the most common misconceptions about anger is that it is bad for you. It's not. In fact, anger is a valuable emotion as it helps people confront injustice."

I thought about this as the phone rang. It was my daughter, who often calls me on her way to work.

"Mom, I am so angry," she started off. I could almost hear her teeth clench.

She caught me just as I had finished writing, "Why do we get angry?"

She began telling me about a pair of pants she bought at Macy's over the weekend, which she was wearing, which had turned out to be too short and she was already in the car and on her way to work.

I suggested that maybe it wasn't as bad as it seemed, but she instantly reminded me of the previous day I called to unleash some of my own annoyances.

There it was. I was telling her not to be angry.

The experts also say anger and aggression are often confused; anger is emotional, aggression is behavioral. It wasn't like she was arguing with the driver, flipping him off, or rear-ending his car. She had called her mother to spout off.

But driving is dangerous and can be very stressful and when clothes don't fit right -- well, I hate it when that happens! (Why didn't I say that?)

Over the years the general admonishment of parents and grandparents had unsuspectingly found its way through the cracks of my parenting.

It's the same thing as saying to your kids: Be nice, play nice, be good. That really doesn't explain much at all.

Later on, my eyes lit up when I came across an interesting link having to do with anger and drivers. I wanted to send along a fresh perspective, which included specifics, so I copied and pasted it in an email to her.

"Thought you might find this worthy of your attention," I wrote, adding a smiley along with some Xs and Os.

"Wow mom! Thanks for passing this along! Very interesting article, and I am going to think about this the next time I'm behind the wheel."

At the end of her comment she had inserted a cute smiley, which seemed to drive its own point home. I hovered the Apple arrow selection tool near the happy face and it was almost like the delighted little icon was beaming up at me as if to say, "That's how we roll!"

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