5 Crucial Biology Lessons Every College Student Needs to Learn

Text

5 Crucial Biology Lessons Every College Student Needs to Learn

By Hallie Cantor

Cell Metabolism: The Alcohol Cycle
Sober (ADD Nothing fun going on on the internet) →
Bored (ADD A few beers) (LOSE Any hopes of getting work done tonight) →
Tipsy (ADD Shots) (LOSE dignity) →
Drunk (ADD 4 Texts you shouldn't have sent) (LOSE 1 gallon pee) (ADD Sleep) →
Hung Over (ADD 5 servings of dining hall eggs, bacon and pancakes) →
Sober
Embryology: Development of the Embry-bro
1: Normal bland freshman in t-shirt and shorts.
(label pointing to arms- "As the freshman begins to develop, muscle definition is minimal.")
2. His shorts are now mesh shorts. He is holding a beer and tiny backwards baseball cap.
(label pointing to beer- "After one week of growth, the embrybro is now capable of receiving nourishment.")
3. He also wears a tank top with Greek letters on it and holds a lacrosse stick. He's giving someone the finger.
(label pointing to finger- "Finger differentiation has begun.")
4. He has added neon shutter shades, flip flops and a speech bubble that says YOLO.
(label pointing to shades- "Shutter shades are vestigial, serving no sun-shielding purpose, but may still function to attract a mate.")
5. He now wears a power suit and carries a Blackberry in each hand.
(label pointing to phones- "At full maturity, the bro maintains constant contact with his community of fellow i-bankers.")
Reproduction: Relationship Mitosis
Single
(interphase picture- lots of lonely chromatids checking each other out)
You're alone. Awesome.
Hooking Up
(prophase picture- a happy couple)
You've finally found someone who's a perfect match. You two have so much in common! You're joined at the hip and go everywhere together.
Routine
(metaphase picture- lots of couples in a line)
Okay, it's getting a little boring. You guys are just like every other dull couple brunching and Netflixing the days away. Still, you can't imagine breaking up.
Drifting Apart
(anaphase picture- the two halves of the couple start to move apart)
That annoying way they act at parties is really starting to bug you. You start to come down with a fake disease so you don't have to hang out with them.
Breaking Up
(telophase picture- our 2 chromatids on opposite sides of the cell. One of them is making eyes at a sexy chromatid)
You feel like a half a person without them. You think about calling, but they're probably already hooking up with someone better looking by now.
Single Again
(cytokinesis picture- same as interphase)
The nucleolus of your own loneliness envelops you. Repeat.
Genetics: Hangout Punnet Square
Top is labeled Them, side is labeled You. Top row: You like them, bottom row: You don't like them. Left column: They like you, right column: They don't like you.
Each square has an iPhone screenshot of a text message conversation.
You like them, they like you (top left):
You: Hey, what are you up to later?
Them: Tearing through s1 of gilmore girls with you, friendo
You: stars hollaaaa!
(green check mark!)
You like them, they don't like you (top right):
You: Hey, what are you up to later?
(2 hours pass)
You: Haaaaaa never mind
You: Got other plans
You: Fun ones
You: You can come if you want
(yellow ?)
They like you, you don't like them (bottom left):
Them: Hey, what are you up to later?
Them: Want to watch Everwood?
You: Nah busy
You: Did that sound mean?
You: Sorry.
You: I might be able to.
(yellow ?)
They don't like you, you don't like them (bottom right):
Blank screen.
(red X)
Digestion: Digesting Knowledge
Mouth-
Have ludicrous amount of information from assigned reading thrown at you.
Teeth-
Make your smarter friend break it down into more manageable pieces.
Esophagus-
Force basic concepts into your system via brute repetition.
Stomach-
With help of an enzyme called Adderall, break down the subject into concepts you might actually be able to take in.
Small intestine-
Absorb tiny, tiny percentage of total information.
Large intestine-
Use the rest to form a crappy essay.
Anus-
Shit it out.