Saturday, February 21, 2015

I'm in a funk.
There.
I said it.
I'm in an annoying, deep funk.
I'm not embarrassed by admitting that.
Everyone struggles with things.
However, I AM embarrassed for the reason.
But I figured I'd better share it just in case there's someone else out there going through the same thing and they need to know they're not alone.

I know you're dying to know the reason.
Comparison.
Ugh. Terrible, huh?
That's why I'm so embarrassed to admit it!
I have SO much to be grateful for and SO many blessings in my life.
But even that comparison monster gets me.
Usually I'm able to get myself out of feeling down fairly quickly, but recently it's been hard.
I've been in this funk for over 2 weeks now and it's not fun!
Sure I have my moments of happiness.
And obviously I'm still out and about doing my business.
I just don't feel AS happy.
I don't feel AS productive.
I don't feel AS worthy.
Etc...

Every day my negative mind tells me...
-"Everyone else your age is settled."
-"All of your friends have houses and dogs."
-"You're an ok Zumba teacher. That's why some of the other instructors have more people in their classes than you."
-"They get to go on fun trips every few months. Must be nice."
-"You'll never be able to make money with Usborne so why try?"
-"So and so's child can count to 5 or sing a song. They must be a better mother."
-"Everyone else can afford to go on date night every week."
And the list goes on and on...
And THEN I feel terrible for thinking those things because HELLO! There are people in the middle east getting their heads chopped off! My problems are so first world and ridiculous! What's my problem?
So then I feel worse...
And the cycle goes around and around.

But...you want to know the reality?
-I personally know not EVERYONE I know is settled where they're going to be for the rest of their lives.
-Not ALL of my friends have houses.
-I'm a great Zumba teacher. My students tell me so! The other instructors have been here longer and have a larger following. (And are doing this weird thing by telling members to not go to other instructor's classes and are being legit high school mean girls. My bosses are figuring that one out...)
-Sure they may go on fun trips all the time, but...insert a variety of things we don't struggle with.
-People don't build businesses over night. The people that make awesome money in Usborne have been consultants for years and have worked hard for what they have.
-My child is happy, healthy, and smart.
-Other people have financial tightness too.

Even though I KNOW all of these realities, I have a hard time grasping them.
Through talking with Alex and my sister, we've come to figure out why that is.
And with my therapy background, I LOVE knowing the logic behind things.
I like to know there's a reason behind ridiculous emotions.
Helps me feel not so crazy. :)
1. This is the first time in my life when comparisons are real. At BYU, the majority of people were poor college students. In Salt Lake, we lived in the married student housing. Everyone lived in cinder block walls and a tight budget. In Santa Barbara our room and board was covered. Money wasn't a stress. Now, we're here. The excitement of a new place has worn off and the stress is real. It's so easy to notice comparisons when everyone is in a different stage of their life, families, jobs, and bank accounts.
2. I was born in a hospital 3 miles from my house. The same house by parents still live in. I had the same room for 18 years. Actually...I still have the same room. haha. My subconscious is very unsettled with the thought that I have a family, but are no where near to putting down long term roots. Who knows how long we'll be in AZ? Who knows how long until we have a house? Who knows how long until we have a dog and a cat? Who knows how long until Alex will be doing what he wants to do? There's just so many unanswered questions. And for someone who grew up in a very settled family, it's hard to wrap my brain around I don't have that yet.

So there's the logic.
It's still a struggle, but I've been getting a little better.

This morning I saw a quote on Instagram that really struck a chord with me.

"Comparison is the thief of joy." -Theodore Roosevelt

So. True.
And I do not want that to be me.
That has been me for a few weeks, but I don't want comparing to take any more of my joy.
My son deserves 100% joy.
My husband deserves 100% joy.
My endeavors deserve 100% joy.
And I deserve 100% joy.

So I have a new resolve to really and truly and actively fight that comparison monster within.
It's not going to be easy, but I want it.
We were put on this earth to be happy and I don't want something as stupid as comparison to ruin that!
Wish me luck!

Today I am going to write down all of my biggest blessings and stick them where I can see them often.
My family, friends, talents, my beliefs, and my healthy body are at the top of that list!

Saturday, February 14, 2015

Just about 30 lbs and around 33-33.5 inches long. (He had a hard time standing still to really get a super accurate measurement.)

He had his last shot until age 4, which was nice!

*side note: we went to the pediatrician's office yesterday to get a rash checked out. His 18 month well check was 10 days before. When they called his name to come back, he started running for the front door and said "no!" hahaha! He thought another shot was coming.

Things he loves to do: read read read! He's quite the bookworm. Do "look and find" books. Build towers. Shoot basketballs in the hoop. Naming parts of the body on us. Being outside. Finding airplanes and helicopters. Going on walks. Opening/Closing the doors. Putting the keys in the door. Helping with the laundry. Watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Cars, and The Lion King.

I hand him the clothes from the washer so he can put them in the dryer.

Then he likes to help me "fold."

He would see me whipping the clothes to get all the folds/wrinkles out so now he grabs the clothes and flings them around.

It's so funny.

Since he started messing up all my piles, I've now figured out how to distract him from that.

I just ask him to find all the socks.

He thinks it's the greatest thing ever!

He puts them all in a big pile. Once he's found them he throws them all over to do it again.

Then once I'm all done I have him put the socks in the drawer.

He's quite the helper. :)

Things he hates: getting his diaper changed, having to come inside, getting dressed, having his face wiped, brushing his teeth, getting out of the bath tub, and did I mention getting his diaper changed? It's like a wrestling match each time. As if changing a diaper isn't awful enough...let's add a screaming, flailing, arching, kicking toddler. Blah.

The one funny thing about it is he yells for the other parent, as if they'll come save him.

So if I'm changing him he yells "DaDa!"

And if Alex is changing him he yells "Mommy!"

Kameron is just the best, little cub.

He's at a challenging age and sometimes I would love to have him just lie in my arms like baby again, but he's so fun!

I can't believe how fast he's growing up and I love seeing his personality shine through more and more.

Kameron was interested in the sleigh...and then interested in exploring the hotel...

He would keep coming back to see what Mrs. Clause was up to though.

When we got home we ate lunch and played out in the backyard.

The weather was awesome!

We attempted to put the kiddos down for a nap.

Kam was mad he had to stop playing and Laela couldn't fall asleep since Kam was screaming.

Nap fail.

So we finally let them keep playing...grouchily.

Laela helped me make gingerbread cookies and then we went to Texas Roadhouse for our Christmas Eve feast. :)

Those rolls though...

After dinner we exchanged presents with the Barksdales.

Karly got me a trip to Vegas to see Justin Timberlake!!

We went on New Years Day!

Best Christmas (and birthday and Christmas and birthday) present she's given me! :)

Once they left, we put a very sleepy Kameron to bed.

None of our typical Christmas Eve traditions happened.

I attempted to read him "The Night Before Christmas" but he was kicking and clawing me...so we nixed that.

Oh well...better luck next year. :)

So Alex and I had a movie marathon of A Christmas Story and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

And I wrapped the rest of the presents to put under the tree.

It ended up being a fun night just the two of us laughing.

The next morning Kam woke us up and we had our Santa time!

When I was changing Kam's diaper, Alex told me he needed my phone to put Christmas music on.

Actually, he started blaring T-Swift's new CD that he had downloaded onto it the night before. :)

I guess he did pick up on my (not so) subtle hints...

We were so overwhelmed with how generous our family had been!

Our presents were so thoughtful.

^ Wooden police car from Auntie Kisser.

^ Mickey Mouse Look and Find from the Calls...and a snotty nose...

^ Dinosaurs from GaGa and Granddad.

^ Having fun with our stocking stuffers! :)

^ Krista got me and Karly rings with our child's name on it. They're stackable so she can order me one with each kid. I LOVE it.

^ Wasn't this place clean when I went to bed??

^ Playing with his animal magnets from Kisser.

^ "Friends" poster from Krista. Can't wait to frame and hang this sucker!

^ So my husband is so so talented. He said Kam told him to make me a dolphin. :) So the present said "To Mommy. From your boys." I still tear up thinking about opening that package.

Not pictured: a Polaroid camera and Big Bang Theory Season 7 from my parents! I can't wait to have polaroids of my life! New Zumba clothes from my in laws! They've already served me well and my students have complimented me on them. Date night gift cards from the Calls! (With a babysitting offer as well. :) Oh...and Ticket to Ride from my in laws. (Best board game ever.)

He's serving a mission for our church in New Mexico! He is almost done! Only about 2 months left! It was great to see him! Kam calls him "gack." :)

Then we headed over to the Calls (Alex's sister's family) for the evening!

We started off with a delicious dinner!

Then we had a live Nativity and then played Minute to Win It games.

Why I did not take pictures of any of that is beyond me!

Guess I was too busy living in the moment. :)

Oh...and Alex tried his best to beat our nephew, Caleb, on their new basketball game.

He was not successful... :)

We finally headed home since it was WAY past Kameron's bedtime.

^ Oh...and with the money my grandma gave Kameron, we got him a toddler hoop. He LOVES it. The first day he literally played with it for six hours. He loves to go out there every day to shoot some hoops. :)

It was such a great Christmas!

I missed my parents and Krista, but I am grateful I was able to see family members from both sides during this time!

Monday, December 22, 2014

You see, at our place we have our own backyard with a 6 ft tall wooden fence.

It's one of the reasons we love where we live.

Most apartment situations don't have that.

We've planted some grass so it feels even better back there!

Kameron loves being out back just exploring, pushing his walker, playing in his sandbox, and watching the planes go by overhead.

The kitchen is just inside the back door, so during the day I let him play back there (with the door open) while I do the dishes, make lunch, meal plan, etc.

The only reason I let him have that little bit of independence is 1) in a matter of two steps I can see him either out the kitchen window or back door and 2) our gate makes a terrible, loud squeal when you open it so if someone were to walk in, I would know immediately.

So on Friday we got home from teaching Zumba and it was lunch time.

I let Kameron enjoy the sunny, 60 degree weather out back while I prepped lunch.

I checked on him periodically and he would flash me one of his award winning grins.

I could hear him pushing his toys around and babbling to himself.

I finished up lunch and went out to grab him.

I walk outside and Kameron is no where to be seen.

Ok...is he behind the tree?

Nope.

In between the shed and the fence?

Nope.

I'm yelling his name over and over.

Under the chairs?

Nope.

Other side of the shed?

Nope.

By now I'm breathing really heavy and feel an anxiety attack coming.

I'm searching the fence to see if there's a hole I never noticed and he wiggled through.

I'm checking the gate latch to see if it broke.

I'm walking around the tree seeing if there's a little nook I never noticed.

Now I'm screaming his name.

No where.

No sound.

I'm like "what the?! Some stealth creep snatched my child!"

I feel like I'm about to puke and I'm sweating.

I start to run into the house to call the police when a little spirit prompting told me to look down at his sandbox.

So I do.

In between the top and the bottom, there is a tiny sliver that lets me see in.

I saw movement!

I run over, fling off the top of his crab shaped sandbox, and there he is with a mouthful of sand.

He looked up at me like it's no big deal.

Somehow he had opened up the top just enough to wiggle on in and then it fell back down into place.

First I yelled at him for not saying anything when I was screaming his name!

(I wish that hadn't been my first reaction, but oh well...it was.)

(And dude. You babble non stop and you chose THAT minute to be quiet?)

Then I fell on my knees and burst into tears.

Then I tried to hug him, which made him mad since he was playing, so he flung sand everywhere (including into his eye) so he started crying.

It was a very traumatic 5 minutes at the Foster home. :)

The whole point of this post is to tell y'all about a very important lesson I learned.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

I have been more patient with him in the last 3 days than his entire life.

Sure his tantrums are difficult.

Sure he annoys me sometimes.

But I don't care.

He's 16 months.

He's going to get into stuff, he's going to scream, he's going to throw his food, he's going to wake up earlier than I would like, he's going to kick and arch his back when he doesn't get his way.

But that's ok.

Because he also blows kisses. And he also says "mama" when he's hurt. And he also snuggles his Bear so tight. And he also runs into my arms for a hug. And he also has the smooshiest cheeks. And he also is the sweetest boy on the planet.

In that horrible minute I didn't think, "Yes! I'm so glad I don't have to deal with another tantrum."

No.

In that minute I caught a glimpse of what my life would be like without him.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Well I guess I better document Thanksgiving before Christmas gets here!

(which is TWO weeks away....I'm so excited!!)

Alright...well all of us Arizona peeps packed up and headed to sunny California the day before Thankgiving!

It was us, the Calls (my SIL's fam), and the Barksdales (my sister's fam).

We took some of the Call kids in our car to ease up their load AND to help keep Kameron entertained back there. It worked like a dream! Easiest road trip yet.

(Britt, can we always borrow some of your children when we travel?)

Heading west on the 10. Photobombed by Abram.

After a pit stop in Indio to stretch and eat some nutritious Taco Bell, we made it to Santa Barbara in the late evening.

After getting Kameron tucked in, I made 2 of my great grandma Vic's pecan pies!

Mmm, mmm, good! (the only pie I like...)

The next morning greeted us with sunshine and mid 70s weather!

Perfect for pre-breakfast basketball game!

I love this picture of Caleb muggin' on Kam. :)

Then of course the post breakfast Turkey Bowl!

I really miss my in laws old house, but this lawn definitely is a better football field! :)

Apparently Chris was really excited his team scored...ha.

Kameron, naturally, wanted to be a part of all the action!

Sometimes he would get frustrated he couldn't do everything, but all the boys were good sports to him. If he toddled out, they'd stop being too rough or do a time out. They kept calling Kam "the ref." It was pretty funny. :)

The little man out there laying down the law.

The meal was ready around 2 so we sat down for delicious food!

We also all said what we were thankful for.

It really is nice to just have it be quiet and listen to words of gratitude.

Kameron was napping so I actually got to eat in peace.

It was lovely.

When Kam woke up it was time for his turkey dinner! This was his first one since last year he was still on an all liquid diet. :)

In the early evening we headed down to the beach.

It was SUCH a gorgeous night!!

All 17 of us! (well technically 18 since Karly announced their new bundle that night. :)

Gettin' muddy!

The next few days were nice too.

A little Black Friday shopping, leftovers, football, playing board games, dancing, and walking by the water.

As all things do, the weekend came to an end.

It was such a great Thanksgiving and I'm so grateful I was able to spend it with some members of both sides of my family.