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Our Sacred Scared

“I’ve been absolutely terrified every second of my life- and I’ve never let it keep me from doing a single thing I wanted to do.” Georgia O’Keeffe

I started writing Momastery six years ago as a spiritual practice to help me:

Stay sober (sober = awake, grateful, present, brave, and kind).

Connect with other people without removing my pajamas.

Last year my family fell apart. It was awful. One night I was in the fetal position in bed hiding from everyone in the world and I decided to Google myself. This I officially Do Not Recommend.

Seek and Ye Shall Find. I found a bunch of mean stuff that made me cry. I called my Sister hysterical. I sobbed, “SISTER, they are calling me a mess and an addict and they are saying that Craig only married me because I was pregnant and they are talking about how my marriage is falling apart and I’m overly -dramatic and ridiculous and medicated.”

And Sister was very quiet. And so obviously, I yelled “SISTER- WHY ARE YOU SO QUIET?” And she said, “Well, because…isn’t all of that stuff true?”

And so I hung up on her because there is a time and a place for logic and truth and that was not the time.

But as I fell asleep that night, I thought about what she said. And it hit me. It was all true. It IS all true. And you know what else is true? Even though I’m messy – I’m still showing up. Even though I’m messy- I’m still doing the two things I was put down here to do: Follow My Dream and Serve Others.

And so my message to you is never: bebetter. I kind of wish we’d stop obsessing about improving ourselves all the time. I’m simply suggesting that maybe you can show up for life as you are. Maybe you don’t need to wait till you have it “all together” to follow your dreams and serve other people. I’m worried that if you wait ‘till you or your people are less messy to start showing up – you’ll never show up. Because life never, ever stops being messy. It’s messy the whole way through. And so I think we gotta show up in the middle of the mess. We gotta raise our hands and say “HELLO, EVERYBODY! I’M GLENNON! IM A LITTLE CONFUSED AND TIRED AND IMPATIENT AND MY PEOPLE DRIVE ME INSANE AND I HAVE ALL THESE VARIOUS DISEASES AND MY FAMILY’S A LITTLE BANGED UP- BUT I’M PRETTY SURE THAT’S JUST LIFE – SO I’M HERE TO HELP ANYWAY.”

Like that. And then maybe other messy folks will see us with our grubby little hands raised and think: “Huh. If she can show up like THAT…maybe I have permission to show up too. Just like THIS.”

That’s what I’m doing here. That’s number three. So now my list is this:

Stay sober (sober = awake, grateful, present, brave, and kind).

Connect with people without removing my pajamas.

Offer messy folks permission to get started.

Listen. During the past two years, I’ve met a lot of people who ARE following their dreams and serving and a lot of people who are NOT – because they are waiting till things get better or different first.

Here is the thing that the two groups have in common: NO ONE REALLY KNOWS WHAT SHE’S DOING. None of the people in either of the two groups. The people who are running the world and the people who are sitting life out are exactly the same. They are all messy, complicated, confused people who are unsure of what to do next. They all have messy relationships and insecurities and anger and blind spots. They are ALL AFRAID.

Here is the difference between the two groups: The Dream Followers and Servers believe that it’s okay to be messy and complicated and afraid and show up anyway. The second group believes that folks who show up have to be fabulous and perfect. So they’re waiting to get perfect. They are spending their lives IMPROVING instead of just showing up as they are. They are waiting till they’re “ready.” And the thing is that they will be waiting forever and ever, amen. Because all the good and all the beautiful in the world is created by people who show up before they’re ready.

I am going to prove this to you. This week I have asked a few of my favorite Dream Followers and Servers to share with you their Sacred Scared. Our sacred scared is our deepest fear- the one we hide because we think that if anyone knew about it they wouldn’t love us anymore. What we find when we share our sacred scared is that it’s the very thing we should be sharing more. Because our sacred scared is the key that unlocks our humanity. When we share it, people love us more because we’ve given them permission to love themselves more. Sharing our sacred scared is like handing a world full of messy, waiting people an invitation to show up as they are.

We are all afraid. And that’s okay. We can show up and take care of each other in the midst of all the fear. That’s the good stuff. And you know what the anidote to fear is? It’s NOT self improvement. It’s love. When we love messy people well we start to love our messy selves more. And all that love makes us BRAVE. And eventually, Love beats fear. Love Wins.

Come back tomorrow. I have some very special, very ordinary, very messy, very beautiful people for you to meet.

216 Comments

I sort of went on a rant but it made made me feel good. I need peace, I need support and I need prayers.

My life was pretty good; great job, beautiful home, healthy and delicious children, amazing husband but every single day I was overcome with feelings of insecurity. I have been this way since I can remember. I have always felt like a fraud. Growing up I had learning issues and ADHD, and as a result, I did not experience too much academic success. I was bulimic, suffered from serious bouts of depression, even wanted to kill myself at one point. I did go to college, it just took more time and a few different schools to graduate. On top of that, I would drink to deal with my feeling of self-loathing. Then I would, of course, do/say/act in ways that would fill me with more shame and guilt, which only exacerbated the depression and bulimia. I hated myself. I have always felt screwed up but never knew why.

I felt out of control. The shame of being bulimic was so unbearable because binging and throwing up was disgusting!! I felt like most of my life I was hiding all of these horrible secrets. If people knew who I really was and the things I did, they would hate me, be disgusted by me, and no one would ever love me. Everyday I was hiding.

Still, I got married to someone who did love me and I loved him!! He knew about my issues but not realize to what extent. We get married, we now both have graduate degrees, successful careers, a beautiful home and two amazing children. On any giving day, I leave the house and have to go back inside five times because I forget things, I’m unorganized, I lose my keys, I have overwhelming feelings of inadequacy at work and home. My husband says, “it’s exhausting just watching you.” At work I run in circles to check myself eighteen times to make sure I did my job well, and didn’t screw it up. I can’t appear disorganize and frazzled at work!! I also breast fed my children for over a year each, while working full time, pumping twice, sometimes three times a day while I was at work. I had a freezer full of breast milk that I had to fill each day, replace each day and prepare each day. (for childcare)
I scheduled everything for the kids; childcare, birthday parties, after school activities, doctor appointments, playdates, projects, etc. I knew when it was picture day, I knew when to send in cupcakes, when to be at the girls school for the 100th day of school. I did everything!!! I don’t know how I did it but I was a great mom.

People would say, “how do you do it all?” I actually starting thinking, I was pretty amazing and I’m not doing so bad. My issues were still there, but I thought, I doing great at work and great at the mom stuff. We sold our home and lived with my parents (for much longer than expected) until we found a new home. Two kids under four, I was pretty excited. It had been a crazy two plus years but NOW things can settle down.

That was two years ago. About nine months living in our new home, I find out my husband had been cheating on me for six months. Because of the particulars of how I found out, I had communication with this other person (not by choice) so I became privy to information that no wife who has been cheated on want to hear about from the person her husband cheating with.

Guess what, turns out my loving and amazing husband who liked me just the way I was, with all of my craziness, didn’t like me so much. In addition to my disorganization and poor budgeting skills that apparently drove him nuts, he felt neglected. Ya know, when I was nursing two children, working full time and living with the parents. I’m so sorry you didn’t get enough attention!

So, it’s been two years, lots of counseling, lots of denial, crying, therapy, and self help books. When I read Carry on Warrior: Thoughts of Life Unarmed,
I cried so hard, I had to put it down. I couldn’t get through a paragraph. My life resembled Glennon’s experiences, not in every way but so much so that I just cried.

I have a great family, why am I so screwed up??? Because, I too was born a little broken, with an extra dose of sensitivity; I was missing the layer of protection I needed to expose myself to life’s risks- like friendship, tender love, and rejection. I was trying to fill God size hole with bad stuff that only made my hole bigger. Thank you Glennon for helping make sense of my emptiness. Strangely enough I have returned to my church and and filling that hole with the right stuff (but still mixed with my wine)

I am 40 years old and for the first time in my life, I told my therapist (one of many throughout my life) that I was bulimic. The first one! The idea of “being unarmed” and putting it all out there sounded so liberating. So a lot of my healing from my husbands affair and ability to function up until this point has had to do with reading your book. I don’t care any more how many schools I went to! I don’t care that I’m screwed up. I do my job well and I am an amazing mother.
So thank you Gleenon for allowing me to see that and making ME know it’s ok.

Life is not supposed to be full of all happiness. Life is hard and we are all screwed up. I am just not going to hide it any more. I want my insides to match my outsides. To this day, we look like the perfect family and hardly anyone knows what we have been dealing with for two years. I have opened up completely and unarmed myself (regarding the affair) with only certain people in an effort to protect my children, but I have unleashed and let go of my past completely. I just let it go, I let go what I have been holding onto inside since I was a little girl and I can finally breathe!

My past….done, gone, don’t care, actually proud. I don’t care what people think about me or my mistakes. My world came crumbling down and I had to release all of my shame, all of my “stuff” in order to heal enough to remain a great mom to my children. I’m dealing with it, It’s so hard but I am dealing with it. This will not break me. I am not perfect. No one is perfect. My husband is not perfect. We have made different mistakes (I think his was worse – lol) but we are getting through it.

I am still drinking a little too much wine, because its still hurts. But I’m not drinking because of the way I feel about myself in general, which is very different. I’m drinking a little too much wine right now because of the affair and how this will play out. I know I will be OK but the implications of an affair are not just about me. They are about my children; do they sense anything? do they know? if they ever find out, will they respect and understand me decision to stay? I don’t know and that hurts me. But it is situational.
I like myself. finally.

After scrolling past numerous comments, I am more than sure you may never read this, but I just have to post it anyway. Thank you. You have no idea. This week God has been echoing in the way only He can. He is saying, step back, don’t listen to the noise, be what I am calling you to be. Let it be organic — don’t conform to the pattern of the world. Be content with obscurity because you aren’t obscure to Me. All that and more. This post was the cherry on top of a week full of “everywhere I turn He’s saying it.” Thanks so much for being bold and faithful in the middle of unfinished imperfection.

Thank you thank you thank you! Wonderful post. I’m tired of all of this pretending that we have it together when we don’t and WAITING to live life instead of living it. I’ve been terrified for years to put myself out there and am now finally doing it by writing and producing a few web series. And though it is scary–the fear is exhilarating! And other people are way nicer and less judgemental than I feared. Go you for writing this!

I very much appreciate this series and the words that I have read. But I can’t help but notice that all of the people you included are Christian writers. I’m wondering if it would be possible to be more inclusive by including other faith writers? As a UU writer, I often feel like the voice of the SBNR is missing from the spiritual conversation. Much love to you…

It is a beautiful thing to be reminded that there is no shortage of those of us who are messy. Most days I feel like Messy is my middle name. I am grateful for those like you who get out there and say it is okay, we all are. I too have concluded that once you can accept yourself despite those flaws, you get further down the path of true happiness. The trick is to keep yourself on that path. Sometimes we sidestep, other times we turn around all together and have our little pity parties. But when we grab a hold of our messes and realize it is okay, even necessary, to take them along for the ride, that our value of ourselves starts to build momentum. That momentum is necessary to keep going in life. I am inspired by what you do with your momentum by showing up for others and helping to remind us all that we are okay as we are. I think it takes a lot of people taking turns to remind us to keep going, and we all do this in our own ways. I love the backing of this sacred scared series, and look forward to reading the upcoming posts.

Glennon – agree we all need to show up but understand why some folks want to get “cleaned up” or somehow better first what they don’t realize is that by showing up is the best way to start getting better we have to open the door and participate and those in the room need to accept the messy visitors because they are the ones who enlighten us. Thanks for coming in and keep coming back ok? Your getting better every day but you never want to be “all better”

I’m scared because I’m imperfect and all I was told to be my whole life was to be perfect and I can’t be. And to be so hard on yourself because you can’t let that go, well, it’s truly maddening, sickening and painful. I’m not sure how to let that go. You tell me it’s okay and my therapist tells me it’s okay, but I just can’t get it to stick in my brain. I’m messy, terribly messy and I want that to just be okay, but I don’t know how.

I am so thankful that you show up and keep writing this blog. So many times, your words are exactly what I need to hear even if I don’t even realize it until I’ve read them. I am a perfectionist who feels messy all the time. My worst fear is that I will make a mistake or a “mess”. I hide all of the messiness in my life from everyone except those closest to me and I am very thankful for these people who know the real me and what is really going on in my life. Without them I would be lost in my charade that I portray to the outside world. I am so exhausted with hiding my marital problems and my unhappiness. But reading this has helped me see that I am doing great things by just showing up. I show up everyday to parent my daughter, help in my community and be effective at my job. I just need to learn to accept that my mess is no worse than anyone else’s mess and we can all show up together and be messy. In the end, it will be better to be messy together than be scared and alone.

Misty – I could have written almost exactly what you wrote in your post. It is exhausting trying to live up to the image that I think I am supposed to be showing the rest of the world, even those who love me the most. Six weeks ago, my husband told me he wants a divorce but due to finances and logistics he isn’t planning to move out until the summer. I haven’t even told my parents yet because I feel as if it is too much of a mess to burden them with especially since it will seem as if it came out of left fiels to them, since I have always kept our marriage issues tucked safely away out of sight. I have told a few very dear friends who have been wonderful, although they worry that I am staying too calm about the whole thing…but in my mind, beng angry and destructive and loud and all of those things that would feel really good some days are just too messy and I feel like I am supposed to be “good” instead of losing control and letting all of those emotions out. So I am showing up every day to work and parent and even try to have this happy weird dying-marriage-friendship thing with the man that i married who now makes it clear he no longer loves me. How do I learn to show up without feeling like showing up needs to result in perfect though? How can I convince myself that some days, just the fact that I am still here participating is enough? Thank you Glennon for starting the conversation…
PS – I agree about a chat room!!!

I have been sitting on this post since yesterday. First of all, as a recovering perfectionist, thank you. “Do better” has been the essence of my personality since I can remember. In some ways, it has helped motivate me and make me “successful” in a few areas of my life. However, that trait has also brought along a lot of shame and a lurking sense of failure, as “better” has no end point. And while I know that only Jesus was perfect, I have always tried my best to get there, both because of my obedience to God and because of that pesky perfectionist trait.

BUT after reading your post and several devotionals yesterday, I realized for the first time that I shouldn’t be striving to be like Jesus… it should be about me accepting my imperfection so that Jesus can work through me. “He must increase, but I must decrease.” See how my goal changes there? Instead of it being about me doing “better,” it’s about me showing up so that he can do it as only He can… not better but perfect!

I have been contemplating some major changes in my life…mostly because I was waiting to be ready…but you are encouraging me to take that leap of faith. I’ve been telling myself that I am waiting for God to tell me it’s time, but maybe, just maybe, He is waiting for me. He can use even messy, imperfect me…if I let him.

Lisa – I am becoming more “God Aware” as I enter my mid-forties. Words that I have spoken my whole life in pray in church are suddenly resonating in a way that they never have before. I am a fellow perfectionist and I am actually ok with that most of the time. I do believe that pushing for more moves the world forward. However, it hit me in church, just last week, that I was doing it for all of the wrong reasons. The words that hit me like a ton of bricks? “All glory and honor is yours”. I have been a idiot. I have been doing so much to make me look good. If I dedicate all the effort to God above it someone makes all the misses OK. It makes not getting credit for something ok. It got me through a really tough week at work where I expected my “perfection” to be recognized and lauded, when in fact I was totally over looked. What should have been humiliating, but it wasn’t because all I kept hearing in my head was “all glory and honor is yours”. I am sharing this in case it helps you when you aren’t “perfect”. It helped me so much this week.

Thanks, AnneMarie! Too funny… the song, “Not to us, but to your name be the glory” has been playing in my head all day. As my friend just told me, God must be speaking! Have a GREAT rest of the week fellow perfectionist warrior! 🙂

I’m 40, I’m tired, and every day I show up! I work with special needs kids every day, and I think I’m really good at what I do! I feel like I make a difference for them. But it’s a whole different story when it comes to my own special needs children! With them I just show up. I have 3 kids, 2 are ADHD, and one is bipolar. And there are days I don’t want to show up…days I want to crawl in a hole and never be seen again. But then something happens, one of them makes me laugh between screams, or my husband looks at me and gives me an understanding look, and that’s enough. That’s enough to make me show up one more time.

(1) I read ‘sacred scared’ as ‘sacred sacred’ and ran with it, until I realized it was ‘sacred scared’ and

(2) Your call to Sister reminded me of my Al-Anon sponsor years ago listening through every heart ache, smiling when I would yell in response to her calm, serene never-failing advice: ‘this too shall pass’. Then the day came when I called with good news and she responded, to my utter chagrin, “this too shall pass”.

Thank you so much for this, Glennon. I ended up writing my own “sacred scared” post late last night and then tossed and turned about whether or not to post it and wondered how authentic is TOO authentic. One of the first things I woke up to was your FB link to this post and it made me feel like the planets have aligned to encourage me. Thanks for being one of the planets. I needed it more than you know.

I’ll be honest. One of the things I honestly hate to be called right now is ‘kind’ because I am. Very. My chemistry teacher calls me kind. My friend calls me kind. I want something else. Smart. Handsome. Competent. Musical. Honest. Just something else. I dunno what my problem with the word ‘kind’ is.

“When we share it, people love us more because we’ve given them permission to love themselves more…” Yes. Yes. One thousand Yes’s to that!! Several years ago I shared my sacred scared with the world. I told of my journey into an affair, through a divorce, and my marriage to the affair guy. Too many wrongs to count, but so much mercy and forgiveness I found. Mercy and forgiveness that can find anyone if if could find me. I continue to be in awe how God uses my mess to speak into the lives of others, and I’m humbled to be used to serve in this way. Thank you for your beautiful words Glennon. God bless you as you serve…
With love, your sacred scared friend, Jacque…xo

I read that whole post, and I didn’t see until the comments that it was the “sacred scared” – I was reading the “sacred sacred.” I think I like mine better. The sacred sacred it that thing you hide from others because you think they won’t like you, but it is sacred because it is what makes you you. It is the most sacred of all of the sacreds.

Your blog is my favorite nap-time read. It makes me feel like my struggles are good and real and the fact that I struggle doesn’t make me crazy….it makes me sane. Thanks for writing. I was recently reading a post and the 2 year old that I nanny for wanted to know what I was doing, so I explained to her that my friend had written a letter to me, or posted a picture…I can’t remember which. BUT the part that stood out in MY head was that I called you my friend, ha! I think if we met we would be friends indeed. Happy Wednesday!

I just started following this blog a few months ago, and I am so glad I did. This is my first time commenting because usually I feel like I’ll just say what everyone else said and I don’t need to always stick my two cents in, blah blah blah. Just afraid to show up, I guess? I am in awe of the truths you tell, Glennon, and the sheer … I don’t know, IMPERFECTNESS with which you tell them. That your truths are so perfect and imperfect at the same time is amazing and powerful and unbelievably comforting. Everything you write about has me nodding my head in agreement and solidarity, but this post hit. the. spot. Just this morning, after screaming at my son for the umpteenth time about his refusal to eat ANYTHING, EVER, I hid in my room and berated the hell out of myself for not being good enough, for being horrible to my little boy, for being impatient and angry and at the end of my rope. I told myself I hated myself, I hated my life, I just wanted out, and that I should never have become a parent because I’m a terrible mother and my boy deserves better. My sacred scared… No, my TWO sacred scareds are that I have anger and depression issues that I refuse to acknowledge because the people in my life might whisper about it and think less of me, and that I truly honestly don’t like parenthood. At least not right now. When my son is almost 3 and is the epitome of a Terrible Two, and when he has eating issues the likes of which I can’t even begin to comprehend, much less fix and be patient with. He’s not just picky. He truly refuses to eat. Anything. Ever. Without a fight, that is. Every day is a fight. Five or so fights a day. I’m a SAHM, and I’m at the point where I want to be done caring. I want to not care SO MUCH so I don’t have to feel the pain every time he refuses sustenance. Every time I think “one of these days he’s going to end up in the hospital,” and secretly wishing that day was today so the never ending nighmare could end and someone could be forced to fix him RIGHTNOW. This morning I felt like a failure. Like my husband deserved a better wife, like my son deserved a better mother. Like I’d never be good enough for either of them. I never considered anything positive… But then I read your post. And wouldn’t you know it, it turns out at the very least, I’m showing up. Every day, for better or really worse, I show up. My son eats SOMETHING. He is clothed and cleansed and hugged and kissed and he is told without fail that he is loved. I showered and dressed myself this morning, and even cooked dinner. While my cleaning lady worked around me. …no, I don’t clean enough. But I show up. I never, ever considered that just showing up was enough. That being messy and sometimes really losing my sh*t is just part of showing up, being there, being real. Tonight my husband brought up the idea of a second baby and I found myself saying “shouldn’t we wait until our son has his eating issues fixed? Shouldn’t we wait until he’s older? Should we wait until we take him to Disney for the first time?” Always with the waiting until. Until some unforeseen time when things will suddenly be perfect? Glennon, thank you for giving us all the permission to stop waiting until things are perfect, and to just live in the now. The messy, real-life, “how the hell am I going to make it through another day” now. To just show up and BE, and to let that be enough. I have never, ever given myself the permission to do that. I’m making it a point to let it be enough, at least for a little while every day, from now on. Baby steps. Thank you for your wisdom and your bravery. Learning that we can do hard things is one of the most important things I have ever learned. You’re inspiring. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thanks KB! Today I slept in and didn’t shower to get back some of the sleep I’ve been missing lately and today my son woke up an hour earlier than he usually does. Just showing up might be all there is in store for me today. Ha! Here’s to another day of doing hard things, right? 🙂

Just going to chime in and say Thanks, Shannon. I have a 3-year-old who’s STILL going through terrible two’s, so I really related to your comment. The eating issue sounds really hard. Please know that you deserve help!! Maybe a professional, or maybe a mom’s group?

Catherine, you’re right, I definitely think it’s time for some therapy. Even just someone to tell me, once a week or so, that I’m OK and I’m not crazy. Or certifiably crazy at the very least. I’m going to look into that… As soon as the daily food fight is accomplished, the laundry is done, the garbage is brought back in… Is there ever enough time? I just keep saying I can do this … I can do this… I can do this. Thanks for your comment!!

Shannon, I just want to add that it sounds like you are working really hard to be there for your family!!! Your comment about the frustration with eating caught my eye. I love the Ellyn Satter approach which can do so much to take the fight out of eating and help raise a competent eater with a healthy relationship with food. I also really love the Dr. Gordon Neufeld approach to attachment parenting. “Kids Best Bet” is a Facebook page that has great articles from Dr. Deborah MacNamara who is on faculty with the Neufeld Institute. Both Ellyn Satter and Dr. Neufeld have information on the internet and on youtube. I wish you all the best. Take good care.

The sacred scared… LOVE it. Also, as a word nerd I love that those two words are separated by the placement of only one tiny letter. I just pressed publish on a post on my own blog about my fear and my husband’s battle with cancer, so this was so timely. Thanks for showing up even when you’re messy and scared.

Hi guys-
I can’t help but hear Alanis Morissettes (sp?) song “that I would be good” ringing in my head after reading this. It’s just so fitting.
I love this post so much, and thought I’d add a relatable musical escape for a few minutes for those of you that love music as much as I do.
And yes-chat room please! Although I have no clue how to access one or exactly what it even is. Frankly just the words “chat room” reminds me of a dateline to catch a predator episode. But hey-I’ll show up if it exists!
Xo

I have been reading your blog for over a year. You have encouraged me to be myself and accept me for me. My life is a brutiful mess right now as my husband and I are separated. I needed to breathe, find myself and get out a situation where I felt so much pressure to be perfect. Or the best. Or search for acceptance from others before accepting myself. I am now doing things by myself and for myself for the first time in a long time. There are so many days I don’t want to show up. I want to hide from the world and not get out of bed. But I do. I go to work. I parent my kids when they are with me and just be the best I can be for that day. Thank you G and all the warriors for sharing bits of yourselves and providing hope. <3

This is such great stuff – thank you ALL for connecting. I might be repeating something has said in another comment (I haven’t read them all yet – forgive me), but if I am, it’s still worth repeating. It reminds me of the fourfold way of Angeles Arrien:
1. Show up.
2. Pay attention.
3. Tell the truth.
4. Don’t be attached to the outcome.
So, so hard. Especially numbers 1 and 4. But I’ll work on it if you do. 🙂

#4 is my kryptonite! Thank you for sharing that! I never detach myself from the outcome long enough to just live through whatever the problem is. That is an inspired (and inspiring) lesson. Thank you for posting that!

Oh Glennon, Glennon, Glennon… every single time. Your posts have been on fire lately. Here I was sitting in my kitchen tonight feeling terrified. I just wrote a super vulnerable post on my blog and I’m afraid it’s for all the wrong reasons and that I’m just trying to find affirmation outside myself and trying to get a bigger readership. I just don’t know what I’m doing. So much of me wants to sit scared. I’m terrified. I’ve been working a Step 10 and my sponsor makes me send her a review of my day everyday… it’s so full of fear and anxiety. Constant fear and anxiety and I can’t stop. I write to shut it up sometimes, but then sometimes I write and it causes more anxiety. Am I just trying to find affirmation? Am I just doing this for the following? Am I just doing this to get out there? is that ok? Am I okay? Are all the other reasons I’m writing this enough to balance out the reasons I shouldn’t? So much pain, so much fear, so many questions, sooooo much self-hatred.
See here is my sacred scared… that I am really a bad person full of ego and I really just want attention, and that I am overdramatic and no one loves me. That is my deepest fear; that I am an arrogant asshole drama queen and it makes everyone want to run.
It’s killing me inside.
And then I come hear and read these words… undone. I have tried to improve and improve and improve away my fear. I am an alcoholic. I’m a love addict. I’m a workaholic. Really, I’m an escapist. And I try to be FINALLY ENOUGH or nothing at all. And you write and you tell me I’m just enough on my own and there is no try, there’s just be and it’s okay that I’m scared because aren’t we all?
Oh God how I needed to know I was not alone in that fear tonight…
You. See. Me. Thank you.

Look at all of these amazing women connecting! All because we’re all fearful and scared. I’m so worried about being judged that it’s crippling for me. As a result, I am a horrible people pleaser. I just want to be the wife I want to be, the mom I want to be, the sister I want to be, etc. etc. I don’t want to be imprisoned by opinions of others. However, maybe I’m the one holding myself in prison? Not sure… I do know that I long to just be me. Fearfully and wonderfully made.
Workin on it, slowly but surely.

I’m not a mom, but I love your writing and your truth telling. It speaks so closely to my heart. My marriage hit a crisis right about the time yours did, so your writing hit a chord with me. Thankfully, hubs and I are showing up and dealing with the messy, and it amazes me how love can be renewed.

I loved this post today. It was exactly what I needed to read. Today was a day where I didn’t want to show up. I wanted to stay in bed, covers over my head. This weekend I had to say goodbye to a loved one who’s now with Jesus. It was sad, and I had to be strong for others. Today, that weight felt so heavy. I didn’t want to be strong, but a classroom full of teenagers weren’t going to teach themselves so I showed up. Responsibility is a beast sometimes, and I fear showing weakness. I look forward to my therapy appointment tomorrow just so I can be weak and breathe for a little.

Your writing reminds me that weakness (crying, admitting to mess, etc.) is okay, and sometimes weakness isn’t weakness at all – but strength.

I so get your comment about looking forward to your therapy appt. I have been in therapy for about a month now (this time). For the first time in 20 plus years of on and of therapy I have finally been TOTALLY honest with my therapist. Finally I feel someone gets me and I don’t have to be the one with all the answers.

G: thank you. And thank you again. I usually spend my evenings replaying the day (and all of my failings) while drowning my “not good enough” guilt in chocolate, fried crap, or fast food. Thank you for giving me permission to just be. To stop trying to be perfect. Tonight, my kids would not stop talking. They fight for my attention constantly. When we got home from church, my husband started in. Talk talk talk talk talk. At me. Not to me. I swear to God I almost hid in my closet. Just to find some peace from my messy life.
And then I found your post for today. And I remembered that we belong to each other. And that we are all messy. And that it’s ok. Thanks G. I’m sending you some love from Pennsylvania tonight. Xoxo

My sacred scared…that my marriage is ending in divorce. That the seeds of addiction, deceit and selfishness have taken my husband back and turned him into a stranger. But really? The only person I’m lying to is myself. I guess it’s not a sacred scared.its a sacred truth. Wow. First time admitting it. I sit here alone tonight with my 2-year old & 5-month old blessings. I’m the lucky one. He just doesn’t realize it. I’m about a 100 lies, weeks of disappearing and a year of heartbreak full of anxiety. I hide this from everyone. Everyone. My sacred scared isa reality I struggle to face. But, I’m the lucky one. I may be months behind in bills but I’m ahead in kisses and snuggles. I might be facing my biggest fear and nightmare, but I’m the lucky one.

This rings true in so many aspects of life… love the idea of sharing our “sacred scared” … your post also reminds me of a phrase I heard from an inspiring educator–Kevin Honneycut–who says, “perfect is the enemy of done.” Thanks for these precious reminders!

My sacred scared is that I worry I will never be enough. Not smart enough,pretty enough a good enough wife,mother,daughter,friend. So I eat to calm the storm of worry that lives inside of me and then when I look at myself in the mirror I am ashamed. Ashamed of what I have let myself become and ashamed because it all seems so petty and small. There are people dealing with real issues and I am selfish and “medicate” myself with food and then the guilt starts all over again

I am right there with you and feel the same way. Thankfully, my husband reminds me that my kids aren’t going to care about what size I am… they are going to remember that I read to them, played with them, was there for them. It helps sometimes to remember that. The other times I’m beating myself up over how ashamed I am at the weight I’ve gained and how I don’t have a perfect “pinterest” life, etc. I hear ya.

You are NOT the only one doing this, it is a hard circle to break. I am working on it by only being accountable to myself. With the help of my friend who is a no bullshit kind of person who has shown me, and is trying to teach me, that only my opinion matters of myself. I was such a people pleaser, still am sometimes but in a different way. I may be nice but I still do what I want to do. As the eating became a habit, that is harder to break. I use a fitness app on my phone to keep track of what I eat, no one sees it but me but it tracks calories and if I make it a rule that I have to put it in, I am less apt to eat 🙂 love to you

Know that you are not alone. As Confucius says “no one can put a sign on their door saying “there is nothing wrong here”. I feel ashamed every day but I put one foot in front of the other and move forward. There is no shame in crying in your pillow.

Oh Glennon, thank you for saying it’s okay to be imperfect. And that its okay to show people that you aren’t perfect. I found your blog back when I though that maybe, just maybe I could pretend to be perfect and on top of things long enough that it might actually come true. And maybe if things had stayed the way they were I might have pulled it off. But instead LIFE did happen. And I couldn’t be perfect. And because of you I knew that was okay. And I knew that I could share the not so great things with people and they would still love me.

Show up. I feel like that is what I do every day. I show up for my husband, my kids, my job, my life. And then I feel like I’ve somehow let someone down because my house isn’t Pinterest worthy, my meals are not homemade, my kids valentines came from a box with those stupid tattoos that no one uses anyway. I wake up and deal with the crap that is ADHD from one of the kids, and if I hear from one more person that “those kids just need discipline”, they might find a 9 year old on their doorstep for a few hours to “discipline”. It is a challenge, it is hard on me as a Mom, I feel like I’ve failed him, it is very hard on my marriage, it is hard on my other child. And add on that the fact that I don’t live near any family members so I’m alone, and I’ve battled depression and anxiety myself…still am for that matter. So no, I’m not an alcoholic, I don’t have an eatig disorder, but you, Glennon, your words, your thoughts that don’t make it into words but I can read between the lines, you make me feel okay. I’m okay, okay is good, okay is great, my kid went to bed happy tonight and that is awesome. I’m me and I’m the best me I can be.

I have an almost-eight-year-old with ADHD and Sensory Processing Disorder. She has been the biggest challenge of my life and I don’t think that I am ever going to be done parenting her. Parents who have “normal” kids just don’t understand. They think they do, but they don’t. I know what you mean by feeling like you are “failing” your child. But it sounds like you love your family and that you are doing everything that you can.

Know that you are not alone. There are other Moms out there who are dealing with the same stuff and we know that you are great. Breathe, relax, and appreciate how much you do.

Also, just a side note, I have been reading the ADDitute website a lot lately and I’ve found it really informative. It helps me to remember that my kid is not driving me crazy on purpose. Which I really need reminded of sometimes!

Wow Mandi! That sounds so much like me and my 10 year old. It is exhausting to worry constantly about whether or not they are “pulling a card” at school that day and when you ask him how his day was- his response is the # of cards he pulled… WHAT??? Seriously, I have a straight-A student that can’t sit still and I am stressed over that???? Not anymore! I have seen the damage I was doing to my child by focusing on the negatives instead of positives…. I prayed for a happy, healthy child and God blessed me with double the happy and add LOVES people and life to the end and that is my son!!! After taking a step back and evaluating- is that really a bad thing??? NOT AT ALL!!! I just wNted to say, you are not alone and God has special plans for our kids and their energy!!! :). We just have to relax and be more patient…. Make any sense?

I read these posts and it is if I had written them myself. I, too, have a child with ADHD and it is so hard on his older siblings. They just don’t understand that he doesn’t try to drive them crazy. He just wants to be one of them. But he’s much younger and they are busy teenagers. They just don’t understand him. Then he gets bullied at school and he doesn’t know how to deal with that. Then after I come home from a long difficult day at work and they are all yelling at each other, and I just want to lock myself in a closet and make it all go away. I don’t want my child to have these struggles. I just want people to see in him what I do. He is wonderful and happy and open-hearted and really truly wonderful. He just doesn’t know how to show that side of himself to siblings. Even at school, he gets chastised for not being able to just sit. Do these people not get that he just isn’t capable of it by the end of the day? Meds help, but they wear off. He can’t be medicated 24 hours a day, at some point he needs to sleep. At some point I need to sleep too. He does take up all of my energy and attention, and I know my older kids need me too. They will be off to college soon and I will miss them terribly. But there is no break from ADHD, it is a constant in our lives and it’s messy, very messy. And anyway, after all my ramblings I’m just grateful for all of you, and your openness, and your messiness, and for sharing it all. It truly lifts me.

G……
We need you…..all of us commenting on this post need each other….how can we make a chat room?? I need someone to talk to about my marriage….like S needs someone….we can all chat and listen to each other…can we make this happen….strangers helping each other as if they were friends….or as they become friends!!

I just love you and all these other women and their messes. I am a big fat mess right now (oh hell I’ve been a mess for a long long time and I keep wondering when the hell I’m going to get it together and stop being such a mess) and I am scared as hell. Some times it seems like I am the only one in this big fat stinky mess. There are day’s and nights I think of checking out. And yet I keep showing up in my day because of people like you writing things like this. Reading this tonight, is like a life rope. Thank you.

I only recently joined your blog as a friend of mine linked something about singling parenting since I have problems being one.

This blog hit me hard as I continually tell myself “well when such and such happens things will be better”. And I’ve recently had to chat with myself that I can’t wait for things to just happen. My kids wait on me while I’m waiting on life. I decided no more. My kids will never follow their dreams because they will have a mother who was too afraid to follow her dreams.

My greatest fear is that I will never be able to live up to the “perfect mother” stereotype that is all over the place. The “oh well my children’s snack are all organic and home made” while I’m feeding my kids prepackaged crackers. It is a fear that seems ridiculous but it’s there nonetheless. I fear I’m not good enough and that everyone around me can see it.

Shay… you sound like you love your kids so much, they are so very lucky to have you. Don’t ever try to be a “perfect mother”, be you. In not being perfect you will be so much more to your kids… you will be real.

Shay: I too tried to be the perfect mom –worked, tried to make home made snacks for all the parties (I only had one child so that seemed easier) but it wasn’t and I can remember one night standing at the stove at 10pm making rice krispie treats and my husband asks why as I am slamming all the stuff around and my response was my mother made our snacks and that is what good mothers do–his response was to put $20 on the counter and said go buy the premade stuff kids don’t care and your mom didn’t work 60 hrs a week–she is now 26 and she doesn’t remember that those snacks from that day on were more store bought than hand made–what she remembers is that her mom showed up to the parties when she could and if I couldn’t she always had something to take. Don’t sweat it–just love your kids I spent too much time worrying over that perfect mom concept–and when that was my focus I forgot to enjoy her Hang in there my friend–you are doing a fantastic job whether you recognize it or not.

You are such an inspiration Glennon! I met you at Wild Goose last year (I was the one crying in the rain under the umbrella). 🙂 Your book was amazing! Thank you so much! Will you be at Wild Goose this year??? Please!! 🙂

I’m embarrassed to say that I’ve never commented on a blog post before…I read your blog all the time, and have for awhile now…I just always worry that I won’t have anything worthwhile to say. But I just have to comment on this…this post goes right to my heart, right to my deepest fear. I ALWAYS feel like I need to be “perfect” before I can try to do any of the things I dream about doing, and have always felt that I’m not really very good at anything…and so, I end up paralyzed and doing nothing. I’m getting close to 40 years old, and I’m realizing that I have to change my mindset…your wonderful words inspire me to just let go, accept who I am, and let God do the rest. Thank you.

you are so, so welcome Jenny. And look- you already started. You showed up here, left a comment, and it’s the last thing I’m reading before I go to bed tonight. You made a difference for me today -just because you took a risk and wrote. You showed up for me, and maybe for you?

that you have read my thoughts or my blog or my whole life and seen that i am on a constant quest to become better, more, something other than myself because i am somehow inherently flawed or not enough.

and i preach to others that they are.

even though i act lately as if they aren’t.

i am 7 years and some months sober, came in through the rooms. stayed because of jesus. and because of grace. and my therapist. and because i got tired. i’m still tired, but just because i am.

life is hard as a single, childless, doing life on my own but with community, mid-thirty-something, too. for us all, life is hard and messy. i know this.

but you remind me of this, glennon.

thank you for reminding me of this, glennon.

i’ve lost my grace place – for others, for me. so i am letting it come again, finding it again. others may not have seen or experienced this, that which i’m known for, that i am a “comfy couch of grace”. but others would say i’ve been hard on them. because i see my old stuff in them, or the potential for who i think they’re supposed to be, and just want them to be free or to not themselves back from getting there because of crap-stuff.

but it’s not my job to make them free. my job, my only job, is to love as i have been loved. and to accept just as they -we- all are, not accept “on the way to where you’re going”, but just as you are.

I don’t know how I got to this post.
I feel like giving up. Parenthood to a set of four year old twins (surprise twins, identical) is doing me in. I am a SAHM and I feel beyond overwhelmed, panic has set in.
Nobody understands. All the multiple mamas in my group had IVF, therefore WANTED kids. I tried for one on a stupid whim and was given two.
I do love my kids more than anything. I feel like I am decent mom, affectionate, attentive, creative. But I do this out of a sense of decency. They deserve better than me.

I don’t like being a mom, that is my secret. It might be what does me in. The shame, something is wrong with me.

Anyone live in NOVA? I need some friends who won’t judge. I am slipping away and no one can see.

Hold on lady…listen to me. You will soon have your life back to some degree. This is the age where everything starts to change. All those things that you think “if I have to do this one more time I’m going to run away from home” begin to get better. You love your girls – I know you do. What you don’t love is the Godforsaken drudgery, monotony and ENDLESS THINGS that come along with being a parent to two helpless little people. You’ll be okay. xoxo

S, my heart is breaking for you! Parenting ONE four-year-old is enough to push a mother’s limits, but two, I am sure can be overwhelming. I had three children in four years (the last one was a surprise to our family) and so I can identify a bit with how you may be feeling. Being a mom is definitely overwhelming, but I am here to say that you can do it! As a SAHM, it is hard to feel like you can have any time of your own, I’m sure. I encourage you to find a pursuit that recharges your batteries. Maybe have a friend or family member watch the children so you can have a night out or pursue a hobby?

There are days when I don’t like being a mom either. I always love my kids, but there are some bad days. However, now that mine are teens and I am able to see the fruit of the investment I’ve made into them, it is easy for me to offer encouragment. Just keep repeating, “this is a season” – things will get easier and parenting becomes much more enjoyable.

By the way, if by NOVA, you mean Northern Virginia — I’m in central Virginia — but might could look up to see if I have any mom friends in that area to connect you with.

I have twins who are teenagers (young adults really). I had them when I was a teenager. They were diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes when they were two, and I was 20. I never felt like I was enough for them by a long shot. Some days I don’t know how I managed to keep them alive. All moms go through times when we just want to give up. Your kids just need you to show up. Even if you are wearing pajamas because you can’t stand to put clothes on that week to go out to the mailbox because you are so afraid. God knew all of your shortcomings when He put them in your life. Despite all of the ways I fell short, my kids still managed to survive, grow into adulthood, become Eagle Scouts, and go to college. You can do it. You are not alone. Anyone who judges you… is just a liar. Piss on ’em. You have found safety here.

Thanks, twin mama.
I can’t leave PJ’s on. I married an overachiever. He means well, but all the unspoken judgement and pressure. He wants me to work outside the home (but don’t have to financially) but I couldn’t handle a career and the weight of taking care of the two of them.
He is growing tired of me. I am tired of me.
I sound so pathetic. I used to be cool.

S,
Hang in there. I am the mother of two sets of twins with a singleton sandwiched in between. Yup….five in five years. I should have played the lottery.
Anyway, I was in the same boat about eight years ago. I hated my life. Really I hated the fact that I was always wiping a nose or a butt, doing laundry, checking homework and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Hubby was harping on me to get a job. Duh. When? I had been a mom for so long I didn’t think I was good at anything else. But the kiddos grew up as they tend to do. And suddenly those needy little kids were going off to school with their backpacks and their lunchboxes and the house was empty. And I was lonely. And gosh darn it….I found myself again. And started to like and then even love my husband again. And those kids that I was so ready to send back, those kids of mine are a hoot.
I promise you. You are not alone. You are not the first and you won’t be the last to feel the way that you are feeling. Hang in there. The rewards are so, so good.

Man, if you only knew how similar your situation sounds to where I was a few years ago… I was working 3 jobs for no good reason because my husband was putting a ton of pressure on me. He finally backed off when he realized that I was truly about to fall apart. Things have changed dramatically now, but I think I know where you are at. I don’t know if you are into it, but I’ll be praying/putting positive vibes out there for you and your situation!! It will get better. The coolest thing about you is that you want better. So many people aren’t able to look at their lives as objectively as you can – to be able to narrow down how you are really feeling. If you can identify that there is a problem, you are about 75% closer to the solution. 😉 Hang in there!

I’m in Montgomery Co. MD, so not too far away but probably a little too far. But I know, know, know that there are others in NOVA feeling and thinking JUST LIKE YOU. You just need to find your people!! You can do it and it will change your life! Maybe someone needs to plan a meetup at Tysons Corner Mall??

Glennon– I assume you can see their emails because we have to type them in? Can you (or some other monkee mom helper of yours) just email one of them the other’s email? Other options: for people on Facebook– post your name and the other can private message you (without having to FB friend each other yet) and exchange info.
Someone set up a private Facebook (or other social media) page that you need to get permission to join. Info can be shared there.

S! Lady I feel you!!! I have 2yr old identical twin boys and I know that horrible feeling ur talking about. For me, having help is the best way to stay sane. Having a part-time nanny, sending them to part time school..getting “me” time in there. U can do it, do not give up!

I just want to say that I know a few moms of twins and I’ve never heard any of them say they love having twin babies or twin toddlers or twin preschoolers. You can love THEM (the kids) without loving IT (parenting). Don’t assume the other moms you see are blissed out. They’re coping, just like you. Do whatever you can to be loving to yourself. One day at a time, sweet Jesus.

I started crying as I was reading your words. I understand you. I totally understand it. My children are a hard blessing that I feel like I don’t deserve. I will be praying for you. I truly believe (truly) that you will find your way through these feelings. If I can do anything for you, even if it’s just to listen, email me. I am messy, but I would love to help if I can.

I’m not in nova but I have twins as well and I think I may be able to shed some light.
No IVF here either. Surprise here too.

I felt the same way you did. The same, as far as you are describing. Two of everything the same exact age is beyond tough. My gutt feeling is that it’s not being a mommy that you don’t like. It’s the immeasurable amounts of stress you are going through. Mine are 12 now. Life is MASSIVELY different now. I’m not encouraging you to wish your moments, months and years away. Just hold on.

S, I hear you. I have never commented on a post here, but your comment just got to me. I have 6-year-old surprise identical twin boys, and they are smart and curious and wonderful but they are also super intense and screamy and overwhelming every day. Every day I feel like you do, like they deserve a better mom than me.
And then I go to work and help moms who are using heroin while they are pregnant, and if I don’t ever ever say that they are terrible moms (because I never know the whole story), where do I get off saying that about myself?
Sometimes it’s not about the love you feel while you are doing every little task for them, it’s about the fact that you show up and do it every. damn. day, even though you don’t really enjoy it. You are a freaking superhero, mama, and don’t you forget it.

I have 8 year old ID (identical,unplanned) twins, so I have been where you are. Hang in there. You can do it! They will be in school soon and that will give you some space to think and do things for you. That helps a lot.

It makes me so sad to hear this. I am the mother of ” surprise” twins, and they have become my life in a way that I did not expect. They will be 2 this Friday. As an only child, the adjustment to my world no longer being about me, came as a shock. I have slowly come around to the understanding that it is not about me, right now, it’s about them. I pray to accept that. In a few years, they will be in school full time, and I will have some time to myself. I am a stay at home mom, and I have only had a babysitter 1 time in two years, which was last week for a couple of hours. That is just the way my cards have played out. I don’t have family that can step in. I say all of this because it is my hope that you may find peace with being selfless for a while. That’s what I’m trying to do.

I was there a few years ago, mom to twins, exhausted, angry, humiliated by my failure to feel joy. Listen, it’s a LIE. It’s a damn lie that you have to like it to be a good Mom. Please take care of yourself and remember that you are important and worthy of happiness separate from your kids.

And also, I want to say that it gets easier, or at least it did for me.

Hey S! I was in your shoes about 20 years ago. Honestly there are years in the early 90’s that I have completely blocked out because it was really pretty bad. I was sure I was THE worst mother out there and I was really sick to death of myself.
As others have mentioned, things will get better as they get a little bit older. You can do this! and sooner than you think? you will be in my shoes wishing I still had my little ones with me. My kids are not 26,24,22. They are all great young people and even though I wasn’t a perfect mom, I think they turned out pretty darn well.
I applaud you for seeking out a friend! That will help!

Many many days I am so tired of my boys that i cannot wait until they go to bed. And then I look at their little sleeping angel faces and I feel like the worst mom ever. I have learned that just loving them some days is enough of an accomplishment and that might be all I can give them that day. I have learned through lots of therapy that no one is judging me as harshly as I judge myself. And I remind myself of something I read. “One day they will grow up and be able to get their own drink of water.” My job is to just hold on until that day comes and try to enjoy the moments.

We see you, S… From all over the world, we see you and empathize from the depths of our own stories. Like Heather says, “HOLD on lady!”

Hold on. And keep searching and asking questions and reflecting… I don’t know from across these miles, but somehow I sense a bit of depression…Is that possible? Depression masks itself in so many ways…

Though the details of my struggles are different, I, too, am here, without judgment…

S: hang in there mama! I’m in NOVA, just moved here a few months ago. Husband travels constantly and I am a SAHM of a 3 y/o hell on wheels little girl and a 5 y/o starting to chill out boy. Many days I feel like a failure, like crying, just want to lock myself in a room and have a moment of peace! And being in a new state, new friends, and no family here has been a challenge. Seeing hugs your way!

this almost brought me tears.i have a 4 yr old and 2 yr old twins and i get it! this post hit me hard as im constantly shying away from the people i love because im that messy mom!i adore the 3 miniature people i was blessed with but sometimes (especially lately) i just want OUT!this crap is hard and i totally commend you for coming out and saying it.my good thoughts are with you mama 🙂

You’re definitely not the only one to feel this way S. I’ve been there and can relate to everything you said. Hang in there. You probably won’t always feel this way. You might even be surprised at how much you begin to enjoy them as they get older. In the meantime, take some baby steps toward things that bring you joy. Whether it’s art or exercise or volunteering, whatever, chase it! Your kids and your husband deserve to see you happy. You deserve to be happy. The awesome thing is, the happier you are, the better mom and wife you can be. It’s win-win. You’re gonna be alright.

Oh, honey, hold on! I have the same fear. I’m a SAHM of four and sometimes can’t remember how I ended up here. Did I have kids because I didn’t know what else to do? Because it was a logical next step after a few years of marriage? Now, I have four kids that are my life. I spend half my time fantasizing about what a life without them might have been and the other half in deep gratitude for them and crippling fear that something terrible could happen to one of them and worse, that I’d deserve it for imagining a different life. Damned either way.
Bottom line, you are not alone. God, I know what it’s like when you’re sure you are, but please believe me when I say you are not. You cannot see me, but I am out here with you. In fact, I’m certain there are many, many others beside the both of us. We just have to feel our way through the dark until we can grab a hand. Don’t stop reaching for one…. Love to you.

Hold on mama!! I am in NOVA, am a mom to one kid with autism and another who is super high maintenance. They are 10 and 12 now so it is easier to cope but I remember just after my son was diagnosed and my daughter was not even close to sleeping through the night and my husband was about to walk out the door and I wondered what happened to my life and my career and damn what the hell happened to me!! And I did some soul searching and painful cleansing of wounds and I found a way a few years later to get out of the house and work part time and spend some brain power being me. And it was heaven. I love my kids more than anything but I needed that so much. Now a days I am a part time pastor and still depressed sometimes when the laundry is endless and the after school activities drag on and I have to babysit in order to try to make ends meet. But I am still here and I am a good mom and you are too. I would love to meet up with you sometime here in NOVA (I am in Alexandria) and just listen and give support and maybe even watch your babies for you for awhile for free so you could get out and be you. Hang in there mama. Seriously.

So I think that I just became a Monkee? Because I’m joining in on the comments. Girl, hang in there! Wish I was in NOVA because I would TOTALLY want to hang out with you. Bring those twins on a vacation to St. Louis and we can play!

Please talk to your doctor and have a complete check up. I was severely anemic for YEARS and didn’t fully realize how bad it was. I had the lowest iron levels my dr had ever seen in a living person. Please rule out any physical issues. I know how hard it is when you’re tired and you have preschoolers to take care of to make time for things like your own drs. appts and lab work, etc., etc.. I so wish I had done this 5 years ago. When I look back and remember when my kids were small, it feels like I’m looking up at the world from the bottom of a pool. It’s all blurry and heavy feeling.

Something that an elderly friend told me at that time that really hit home was this: When she looks back on her entire life now, the time that she spent raising her three children at home is literally just a speck in her 80 years. A speck. It seems like forever in that speck, but it really is just a blink of the eye in the long run and the older my kids get the more I understand this to be true.

Blessings to you and know that you are not alone in these kinds of feelings!

Mom to 23 year old twins. They don’t make me crazy every day anymore. S, you are loved and wanted. (All three of mine were loved & wanted, but none were Plannned. May God hold you close, love, Mary Kaye

Glennon, I found you just as your book came out and as I navigated the waters of New Mom. This Momastery place has been a sanity saver in many ways. One of my biggest takeaways, though, has been about which “question word” to focus on (can you tell I’m a teacher?): the WHY versus the HOW. Not how you’re going to wake up again with the crying baby, but why. Not how you’re going to get through a low spot in your marriage, but why. The why is what matters, it’s always what we live for, and it’s all about showing up.

Thank you. This is my first comment here, and it’s full of all kind of messy love.

WOW! This is HUGE for me. I keep struggling with just showing up each day and get so low trying to figure out the ‘how’ and now I have a new strategy. Thanks so much, Emily, for stepping out and being willing to share.

What you are describing is something I have realized over this last chapter of my life and am still striving to do…on a daily basis. The spirit of what you are cultivating here is so very important. Thank you for that. Thanks for showing up, continually.

As a loving and kind hot mess, I think maybe I need to give myself a little more credit than I do.

I love this. Except I would change it to try to “be better”, but accept that this is long process and every time you fail, just get up and try again. And know that just because you are working towards being better does not mean you should not like the person you are now.

In other words, acceptance and striving to grow can happen at the same time. 🙂

“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”

I waited so long to become a mother because my life wasn’t perfect yet- I didn’t have the perfect job, my house was too cluttered, I didn’t have enough money saved, etc. etc. etc. The truth is I was stalling. I was/am afraid that I wouldn’t be good/strong/patient/prepared enough to raise a child in a world that still scares and saddens me. I waited until I was 34 and woke up one day to realize that my dream of being a mother could not wait until I was perfect… and the good news is, my daughter doesn’t need me to be. She loves it when I make mistakes, because my imperfections give her permission to try and fail. She needs me to love my whole self because when I accept my flaws, I prove to her that I will accept hers, too. By speaking with words of acceptance and self-love, I hope to expand the vocabulary of her internal monologue and soften the edges of her inward gaze. By showing up as my own messy, imperfect self, I hope to expand the boundaries of the possibilities of her life, and give her permission to take risks, to fail sometimes, to be imperfect and still show up.

I have been in therapy for years, but have been too shame filled to really “come clean” about all there is to know about my true self. A month ago, I finally wrote three letters to the people I consider my support team. I told them that I have been trying desperately just to get through life in any way possible and do I had been hiding behind some dangerous coping skills. I have abused alcohol to numb myself from reality, I am a cutter and k have an eating disorder. I am 47 years old, and I made the phone call last week to an eating disorder clinic to get some help. As ashamed as I am of the mess I have made of my life, while still trying to maintain the “perfect” look outside so my family doesn’t suspect, my therapist reminded me of one thing. I am still here. For now, that may just have to be enough.

((((((Susie)))))) Thank you for sharing your sacred scared. You are a brave, brave woman. I pray that God will soon show you the way to healthy coping skills. And when you enter through that door, I pray that you will continue sharing your sacred scared with others. . . others who need to hear from you so that they too can share their sacred scared. Today is a little less scary for me, because of you. Thank you and God Bless.

GIRL. You are good. You did a very hard thing and told someone you aren’t perfect and that you needed a little help with that. Be so proud of yourself, because when you are a perfectionist, asking for help is akin to tearing off your own toenails. I know this because I’m one too. You did good. Big, huge hugs to you.

This may seem really trivial, but I’ve been working on getting up the courage to film some exercise segments for my blog. My students keep asking me to and I hesitate because I feel like people won’t see me as an authority since I don’t look like a fitness model. The part of my brain that fostered my eating disorder keeps rearing its ugly head every time I start to plan. I know the videos would help people because I’ve helped my students, but I just get scared. Thank you for the permission to show up in my imperfect body in order to serve others.

Rebeccah, if you are ever in Orange County, California, please find me and come to my class. It is the least intimidating, most welcoming place to dance like a goofball, laugh, and get a little fitter. We can be imperfect together 😉

Can’t even begin to tell you how much I needed this today. My mole hills seem like huge, gigantic mountain ranges. There’s so much I feel like I want to accomplish and I get bogged down with what’s outside of me.

There’s only so much of life! Let’s get on with it! : ) Thanks for helping me to do that.

Showing up. I’m trying. I want to run away and not show up today. It was terrifying living with a man who suffered from addictions, bipolar disorder, and was abusive. It took me years to heal, but I did it and through support and therapy was doing great. I went back to school, couldn’t find a job, so worked minimum wage jobs and went back to school. It was difficult, but I just kept showing up. And now, I’m discovering our oldest daughter is an addict. She’s only 15. And I’m trying. I’m trying to call places, and get her involved in some positive things, school clubs, church, hobbies, counseling. But the more I find out that’s going on with her, the more I’m heartbroken. I don’t want to do this, I want to hole up in a corner somewhere and just not deal. Not show up. I feel like I dealt with this once, and I don’t know how to go through it again.

She’ll be okay. You’ll be okay. There will be someone in that mountain of people and groups you are moving who will be THE person she needs. THE person you need. No one who went to hell and back like you did needs to fear any obstacle or hardship – you are a warrior. It sucks ass, like bad. But you can do it. hugs to you and her.

Thank you Rebeccah. How did you know the exact words I needed to hear today? Today you were my angel and I sincerely appreciate it.Thank you for that reassurance, the reminder not to have to fear. You are right 🙂

Wow. This was amazing. I literally. Just wrote a blog post about allowing myself to be messy. I have always thought everything needed a positive conclusion saying. “Now. Fix it!” but, that is not what we need to see. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. For offering me (a messy folk indeed) permission to get started 😀

This SO speaks to how I’m trying to work on racism. I do it publicly, esp my mistakes, whenever I can, even if it’s messy and awkward and maybe wrong, because I’m hoping it gives other white folks permission to do the work too, as imperfect as we all are.

<3 this, thank you. My teacher counsels us to "fake it 'til you make it" – not meaning be inauthentic, but in this same sense of don't wait until you (think you) have all the answers to try something. Try it now!

(um, also, I think it's "antidote" to fear, not anecdote 🙂 but I love all your anecdotes too!!!)

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you Glennon.
I’m struggling to stay sober (not get depressed and/or bulimic) during my current honeymoon. It’s so incredibly silly that I have trouble enjoying a perfect day on the beach with my one year old and my husband because of how I think I should look in a bikini?!?
My biggest sacred scared is that I’m a bad mom. I have thought, like a billion Times this past week, that this vacation would have been a LOT more relaxing and easier to enjoy if my daugther was not here. Not really mommy-of-the-year thoughts…
In awe of all of you and trying really hard to be ok with me. Thank you all for sharing.
LOTs of love Mary

Cannot imagine having a one year old along on my honeymoon. It’s ok to think those thoughts…almost all Moms would be thinking the exact same thing (I sure would)…because THEY’RE TRUE. It would be many times easier and more relaxing. That’s just reality. Acknowledge those thoughts without letting them pull you down or ruin the honeymoon you do have…but don’t feel guilty because what you’re feeling is natural! Hope you have a magnificent time…and congratulations!

Completely agree with Erica. No matter what is going on in your head, the fact is you ARE a great mom. You are showing up, taking your daughter, and – oh, yes, your new husband – to the beach. It’s ok to want a vacation to yourself. Some time to rest your mind. IT IS OK. you are doing great, Momma. I hope you can find some you time to rest. xo
ps. I would definitely be thinking the same thing! 😉

I also firmly believe that a trip with children is not a vacation. It can still be great, but a vacation=rest and travel with children pretty much never involves rest or relaxation. Hope you get to go away just the two grown ups soon!

Glennon, I just love this! I posted on fear today too–and then saw this in my inbox. You say it so well and with so much compassion. Wish I wrote what you wrote, but then again–you’re whole point is to show up as you are and say your own truth. I love the phrase, “sacred scared.” I love the idea that even our fear is a holy gift as soon as we decide to show up anyway. You rock, friend.

Would love to stay longer and think more about this, but I have to deal with one of my small but persistent scareds today by showing up, literally. One of my doctors has moved her office, and I hate having to find some place I’ve never been before. I’m not sure why, but I’ve always felt that way. I have no internal (or external, for that matter) GPS. Maybe it’s as simple as being afraid of not getting things *right.* Plus I can’t give her a linear explanation of what’s happened since I saw her last and I don’t know what step(s) to take next, so I don’t want to show up, literally or figuratively. But I guess I’ll take my messy self and do it anyway.

I feel you. Yesterday I had my usual “Monday Morning Meltdown” and while chocolate is not my particular drug of choice, animal fat is. So I consumed about a million calories of gravy, butter etc. You, my dear, are not alone. Hugs…

Glendon, I am astounded by each and every post you send to my inbox! Your gifts with words and insight are from God and when you ‘show up’ and write, we see Him through you! I love having you eloquently express all the things I’m feeling! 🙂 Xoxo

“Maybe you don’t need to wait till you have it “all together” to follow your dreams and serve other people. I’m worried that if you wait ‘till you or your people are less messy to start showing up – you’ll never show up. Because life never, ever stops being messy. It’s messy the whole way through. And so I think we gotta show up in the middle of the mess.”

This made me cry. I try to show up as my authentic messy self. It’s hard though, so hard. Especially when those whose approval I desire don’t get it…don’t get ME.

Hey A! I put that in quote in Carry On , Warrior and the publishing team did their extensive research to attribute it correctly….their conclusion was that it’s usually mis-attributed, and that the reverend is the one who said it! 🙂

I needed this so much. I want to show up, messy. But in my gut, I have always hoped that showing up would fix me. That I could write the imperfect perfectly, and people would think only good of me and I’d be only brave and beautiful. That I could be vulnerable without really being broken.

But that’s not how it works. I have to show up and keep showing up. I have to believe that it’s okay to have dreams even when they don’t work out. I have to serve because I want to and not because I think it will fix me.

Oh my gosh. Yes. This is me. By being vulnerable I want to pretend that I don’t have to be broken. I want everyone to think I’m brave and beautiful too when really behind the scenes I’m just broken and full of myself at times and selfish and above all, SCARED.
Thank you thank you for sharing your truth… so needed this.

I really appreciated this post. As a marriage blogger, writer, and columnist I’ve spent the past bunch of years being really open about all my faults. I’ve wanted to share the mess with others so they don’t feel so alone. But this past Christmas I realized that in doing so — in being willing to show up and share and be vulnerable — it had some how become okay for everyone to discuss my faults and failings all the time. And it began to rub me the wrong way! I thought, “Yes, it’s true, I have faults, but why are you feeling the need to point them out constantly?” So I called a “time out.” An “I’m awesome” time out. I hope that while you continue to be open and honest, you also embrace all of the amazing things about yourself, G. It’s okay to share with the world all the ways that you rock!

I finally had to get real with people and be like, “Hey, I’m pretty awesome in some areas. Here are my strengths. You should be affirming the good stuff.” It’s been really empowering. So, thank you for the sacred scared. Thank you for sharing your mess. But please also know that you rock and there are a million things about you, your life, and journey that are TRUE and wonderful!

Years of parenting my special needs daughter who’s rages have turned violent… I’m a mess. Ready to crack. Thank you for the reminder that a cracked mess is ok. Jesus works best through us messy people.

Holly- I too have an almost 12 yr old son with special needs. Every day it is a struggle…. he’s getting bigger & stronger, doesn’t like to hear no, hates brushing his teeth & taking his medicine, these basic things that as his mom I have to provide…. getting him ready for school leaves me physically & emotionally exhausted, and the day’s only just begun. It’s lonely and isolating, I’m a mess too….. you are not alone!!! Thank you for saying ‘Jesus works best through messy people’, I needed that reminder ♡

Holly-I have a 22 year old son with mental illness and one day someone told me “God gave this child you as a parent for a reason.” I have never forgotten that comment and it helped me to understand that I have exactly what this child needs. I may not be perfect but I do love him. I make mistakes because I’m human but the love within me is divine.

I love this: “NO ONE REALLY KNOWS WHAT SHE’S DOING.” Because I feel – a lot of the time – like other wives/mothers/sisters/friends/women have it all together, and I don’t. Which always scares the hell out of me & makes me feel less than. A lot. (Even though, rationally, I know I’m not anything other than me.) Thank you for this reminder. We’re all just doing the best we can, & for me, today (when I’m potty training my angry toddler, stuck in from snow, missing my always-working husband, and dealing with an angry teething baby…it’s enough to show up & try yet again.). I needed this today, more than you know. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And God bless you, Glennon.

Oh Katie, me too! Me too. My oldest will be 3 in April and we haven’t even attempted potty training, my youngest is 1 1/2 and teething like crazy. And this snow! Showing up can be so draining. At least now I know other mamas are working on the same hard stuff, and spring has to come eventually…
Hang in there, we’re not alone.

Right now I am hiding from my kids, taking a few moments of quiet….this the 700th snow day/delay. Really, I needed this. Especially since becoming a mom I struggle to show up in all our/my splendid glory and mess. Today I am giving in, man. The kids will watch more tv than usual, we will eat some junk, they will stay in pjs and I will refuse to orchestrate some sort of delightful experience for them. A lazy, messy memory of the day will be good for us all. When I show up and leave the perfect vision of what it all “should” be behind, we ALL benefit. Breathing……

Love this. My husband John has been in the hospital over a month now with life threatening pancreatitis. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold it all together. That’s my big fear. All my little cracks are going to make one big crack soon. I have to keep it together for my kids. I try to work all day go to the hospital on my lunch hour, go to hospital after work and still find any time with the kids. Please pray for this to be over soon. It’s a really crappy time right now pray I can get thought it and my husband survives and thrives.

I have added your family to my prayer board and will be praying for all of you today and in the coming days and weeks. I wish I could put you in touch with my sweet mom who was in similar shoes nearly fifty years ago when my dad was extremely ill and hospitalized for 6 months when I was just a toddler and my brother was 13. Praying that you would learn from her experience and let your people see your cracks and help where they can. We all have our weak spots but it is good to let them show, even if showing them is hard and scary. Praying blessings upon your family, for strength and healing and a glimmer of laughter and hope today.

Becky, four years ago, my husband was also in and out of the hospital with life-threatening pancreatitis. It was a long haul, with him in and out of the hospital and finally coming home with a pic line and drains and instructions from the home health care nurse that I was to learn how to administer his IV antibiotics four times a day. I had been working from my laptop at the hospital and caring for our daughter, and the night I found out I would have to also become his nurse for the next few months, I just lost it. I finally cracked. I called a trusted friend and sobbed and screamed every curse word I knew and I said I couldn’t do it anymore. I said, “I have been holding on to this Bible verse from Lamentations that says God is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit–and I am waiting for Him to show up, and He hasn’t!” And my friend listened and said, “I have been waiting for you to crack–I’m glad you have. Unload on me.” She encouraged me to keep talking to Him, because that is what faith looks like–talking to God even when you feel like He is not there. And He did show up, through friends and family and by giving me the strength to care for my husband. He is recovered now. We all got through it. I will be praying for you and your husband, for his healing and that you will find the strength to keep moving forward–and that you will see God show up in big and little ways. Love, Betsy

If you have people who you can lean on for support, please lean. Please let them help and crack in front of them. It’s okay. They love you and they want to help you. If you don’t, I say keep coming here and to the Momastery Facebook page and I can guarantee there are people who will want to listen and offer a kind word, even if from a distance. And that’s still something.

It’s okay to crack and let the world see that you need help. And let your kids see that it’s okay for them to feel what they’re feeling too. And it’s definitely okay to lean. Hang in there.

Becky,
My family will most definitely pray for you and yours! Do you have a solid support system at home? Might we here be of assistance in other ways besides prayer as well? If you are on the Momastery Facebook page, feel free to reach out. I know I would be willing to help if possible. God Bless you.
Danielle Rafferty

I agree. G you motivate more than you realize. Many people, myself included at times, would do nothing if everything had to be perfect first. It’s why many never look to a saving faith of a higher power, never go get a degree that may get them a better job (not that all jobs need it, I know plenty of very talented people making more than I with way less education), but I think it’s all about the fear of the unknown and the fear of risk. We takes risks with what we wear, with whom we interact, and how we raise our kids. Why not be brave men (cause I know there are some who follow you) and women and accept that in the brutiful struggle that is life, we can grow into most awesome beings with lots to shar with and grow from being with others?

Don’t you love family? Only they will tell you the truth:). It hurts, but they keep us grounded. They also love us no matter what!!!

My sister and brother would have said the same thing. There are times we didn’t talk because I know what they said was true, but just didn’t want to hear it at the time. We always come back to family. It’s a safe haven.

Hello, Glennon ~ I started following you because I am a Montessorian and a life coach and you seemed like a great contact. But while following you over the past year or so, I have become awed by your sincerity, vulnerability and willingness to open yourself to others through your writing. I know they have touched me! “Carry On”! I wish you only the best. Andrea

I just about fell off my couch when reading about sister asking you, aren’t those all true. Wow. My response in reading things about myself I didn’t like would be to do anything I thought could prove them all wrong. There is so much freedom in acceptance. I’d like to say I’m ready to move on in life after reading that and just accept myself, but, riiiiggghhhttttt. It’s a process, but I already feel a new freedom.

That said, I am waiting on pins and needles to hear others’ stories of sacred scared because, you know, I am thinking, don’t get your hopes up Sarah, their sacred scared is nothing compared to you because you’re more flawed than the rest.

Dear Sarah, you’re wrong. Your “messed up” is not worse than my messed up it is just different messed up. I’m willing to bet that you made decisions in life out of fear and sadness and wanting to be ok. Me too. I’m willing to bet you locked yourself away so that those decisions can’t show who you feel like you really are to the rest. Me too. Sarah, I’m going to make you a promise. No matter what you have done or are afraid of… I will stand next to you. Also, I think when we are scared to let what we are scared of show, we think we are alone, but when we do as Glennon suggested and raise our grubby hand… we find lots of “Oh my God. You too? I thought I was the only one!” Because in all we are afraid of and all our different “messed ups” we aren’t so different and that’s where the healing and sacred lies. Warrior on Sarah, you ARE worthy.

I sit back waiting for perfect to come over me like the Holy Ghost and after 41 years and reading this article…I now realize that isn’t going to happen. I need to be able to put down my mask…what I think people want to see in me. The thing is, my own face is what the creator gave to me to show up in. It’s cracked and screwed up; been ridden hard and yet totally beautiful. Scared as hell, but I’m going to show up today and take that dumb prosthetic off!

I really related to your first sentence. I, too, have been waiting for the Holy Ghost to take away all my flaws. I’m scared to show up, but so happy that there are other women willing to be honest and vulnerable and messy with me.

I’m not a mom either! I was desperately seeking for a reconnection to my faith, to my sanity, to everything I needed so badly…and a friend pointed me here. And now I’m addicted to G and everything she has to say. And reading her words has opened me back up to what I have always believed, but somehow had forgotten. It’s been an endless blessing for me. So, I’m glad to hear that non-moms are welcome too. 🙂