Mr. Hunker's Mourner

Ambrose Bierce

Published At:2018-04-30 03:58:57

Strolling through Lone Mountain cemetery one day, my attention was arrested by the inconsolable grief of a granite angel bewailing the loss of “Jacob Hunker, aged 67.” The attitude of utter dejection, the look of matchless misery upon that angel’s face sank into my heart like water...

<p>Strolling through Lone Mountain cemetery one day, my attention was arrested by the inconsolable grief of a granite angel bewailing the loss of “Jacob Hunker, aged 67.” The attitude of utter dejection, the look of matchless misery upon that angel’s face sank into my heart like water into a sponge. I was about to offer some words of condolence when another man, similarly affected, got in before me, and laying a rather unsteady hand upon the celestial shoulder tipped back a very senile hat, and pointing to the name on the stone remarked with the most exact care and scrupulous accent: “Friend of yours, perhaps; been dead long?”</p>
<p>There was no reply; he continued: “Very worthy man, that Jake; knew him up in Tuolumne. Good feller – Jake.” No response: the gentleman settled his hat still farther back, and continued with a trifle less exactness of speech: “I say, young wom’n, Jake was my pard in the mines. Goo’ fell’r I ’bserved!”</p>
<p>The last sentence was shot straight into the celestial ear at short range. It produced no effect. The gentleman’s patience and rhetorical vigilance were now completely exhausted. He walked round, and planting himself defiantly in front of the vicarious mourner, he stuck his hands doggedly into his pockets and delivered the following rebuke, like the desultory explosions of a bunch of damaged fire-crackers: “It won’t do, old girl; ef Jake knowed how you’s treatin’ his old pard he’d jest git up and snatch you bald headed – he would! You ain’t no friend o’ his’n and you ain’t yur fur no good – you bet! Now you jest ’sling your swag an’ bolt back to heaven, or I’m hanged ef I don’t have suthin’ worse’n horse-stealin’ to answer fur, this time.”</p>
<p>And he took a step forward. At this point I interfered.</p>