Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Take my hand: The laundry lunch...

After I had my say, Seema opened up... rather more than she had ever done in the past.

"Coming clean isn't just about disclosing facts.. I was engaged to marry Ashfaque for 6 years. I met him as a student in UK. On the eve of our marriage he told me he has a Saudi wife back home and that I was to be his second. He said he really loved me... that I was to be the intellectual companion .. blah blah. But he could not let go of the first lady. This is legal in Saudi Arabia; people do it all the time."

Seema continued.. "I broke the engagement right away. I couldn't live as wife #2. But, for Ashfaque? I think he did love me. His first marriage had occurred when he was 16.. how much control did he have over it? And then, he'd been immersed in this completely different culture for so long... perhaps he was tempted to negate his past. He had taken his chances with me. You see, I think he thought of polygamy differently than me because of who he was. Fact is he lied and we broke up.. but both of us took something home from that experience and thats the important stuff.. not the lie or the break up... Can you really communicate that take home to another person.. specially at the beginning of the relationship when you have no idea which way things will go.."

"I have already told you I dont care about your little incident. But I want you to know why I dont care... its not because he has told me it wont ever happen again and I believe him. I guess despite.. or because of.. my past experiences, I no longer look at things in black and white. When I married Giri, (and by the way, I knew about the two of you before you told me. Giri told me before we married).. "

"What did he say?" I blurted out before I could stop myself. She paused and gave me a half smile.. "Paraphrasing of course, he said that you both had difficulties to adjust to sex.. as yet another dimension of the human relationship.. that you distanced yourselves to purge your minds." She stopped again and then continued, "What I am saying is, Giri and you go much further than that kiss... if I am to be afraid, I should fear that access you have to his soul." I didn't have anything to tell her... She continued.. "I dont want to be fearful. I am happy to give him some rope. I trust he will know what to do with that rope. But I would like to trust myself more.. that I go on." I sat thinking about what she'd said. What is strange is she feels she has that choice.. who chooses fear ever?

What does it mean to partner for life? The more I think, the more I am convinced, it is nothing more and nothing less than lifelong friendship. A lifelong friend, of either sex can be fulfilling. And sex.. is just another dimension to the human relationship, as Seema said. I think exploring sex with either sex could be equivalent if you are talking release, talking satisfaction.. I am going to leave reproduction for another time now.. because I think thats the bias that skews us up. Its the connection that matters. No two people are a 100% alike... so you need a set to meet your needs. I think this concept is ultimately more beautiful than the one and only idea. More complex, but more genuine. Whats the point of a bovine and loyal partner... really!