About Me

I am an adult child of a narcissist (ACON). Raised in the crucible of malignant narcissism I have a very personal understanding of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. There is hope beyond the narcissist for the victims of narcissists of which I'm living proof.
"No life is ever a complete failure; it can always serve as a bad example." At least a narcissist is good for something.

Followers

Subscribe via email

Some Other Favs

Recognizing the Problem of Narcissism

How do you determine if you are in a relationship with a person who is seriously affected by NPD? The signs are there for you to read; you need look no further than how you're being affected. NPD -- Recognizing the Problem.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Christmas Message

The message from heaven to earth the night of Christ's birth was "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men". Luke 2:14 The word "gospel" means good news. The good news of the Gospel was summed up by the angel that night to the shepherds. The God of Heaven was sending a gift to humanity; it was a gift that was immeasurable in worth and completely irreplaceable and was proof of a God reconciling a sinful race to Himself. Proof that God's heart toward man was conciliatory, not hostile. The ultimate overture of peace and good will was wrapped up in that unique baby.

Compare that nativity announcement with the words of Christ some thirty years later, "Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household." Matt. 10:34-35 KJV

How do we reconcile these two messages? Why do Christians so often emphasize the one and ignore the other? I don't know why. But here's my thought for the season.

The good news announced in Luke 2:14 is the message of reconciliation and peace between God and humanity. No promise has been made that we will have peace between man and man. In fact, the opposite is promised as illustrated by Christ's statement in Matt. 10.

In other words, it is very possible to have peace and reconciliation between you and God, but be at variance with members of your own household. Other versions of the Bible say "a man's enemies will be those of his own household." Enemy. Strong word. Christ makes an unequivocal statement that family will often be a person's worst enemy.

How is this possible?

Truth is divisive. No getting around it. Since the word truth is subject to multiple definitions, I'll state it this way. Truth is reality. Truth isn't different from person to person when we are talking about reality. When someone holds to true and right principles, when they refuse to live in non-reality, those who have no principles find themselves extremely annoyed. To say the least. Someone who adheres to principle is a living irritation and rebuke to those who would throw off all constraint on their behavior.

You've experienced this with the narcissist. If you refused to capitulate to his lies, his history revisionism, his grandiose fantasies of himself, his petulant demands, you've also experienced his wrath. You've found yourself suddenly at war. A war he declared. You've tried and tried and tried again to live in peace with this person, but the moment you insist on living in reality, a reality he disapproves of, you find yourself engaged in a battle. This is the inevitable division that occurs when one person loves the truth and another "loves and makes a lie". Rev. 22:15

My Christmas wish to all you dear readers of this blog is that you will experience the peace with God which is freely given, and that you will not feel that being hated, repudiated, separated from, or abused by a narcissistic family member or your entire family is some kind of sign of being unloved by God, for it means no such thing. The more you have stood on truth-based reality and refused to believe the lies and fantasies of the narcissist, the more you've experienced their vitriol. This is the order of things. Those who hate the truth and love lies will naturally hate you if you insist on living in the truth.

This blog is about truth. It is about reality. It is about exposing the lies of the narcissist. It is about finding true spiritual freedom from the tyranny of those who embrace evil and lies. Loving the truth will give you peace with God and peace with those of humanity who also love truth. Expect, though, that loving the truth is a guarantee that you will have enemies. And it is likely those enemies will be of your "own household". Don't be surprised when it happens.

Having enemies is not how you measure God's attitude toward you. Don't listen to the do-gooders who would imply or even outright state that if you are not reconciled with your family then you are not in good standing with God. If a division is made because you are standing up for good and right principles, then the division is not your fault. Sacrificing integrity for peace will ultimately result in no integrity and, at best, a temporary truce with evil. Which means if you sacrifice integrity for peace you will have no integrity and no peace at the end of the day.

Embrace truth and let the chips fall where they may. Expose the evil in your midst and make a stand for the real victims of the predators among us. If that victim is you, then stand up for yourself. Only by exposing and denouncing evil do we stand a chance of keeping it in check.

"In keeping silent about evil, in burying it so deep within us that no sign of it appears on the surface, we are implanting it, and it will rise up a thousandfold in the future. When we neither punish nor reproach evildoers. . . we are ripping the foundations of justice from beneath new generations."--Alexander Solzehnitsyn

Merry Christmas from my heart to yours, and many wishes for a wonderful new year. May each of us do our part to build up the foundations of justice for new generations this coming year.

11 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Dear Valerie, Beautifully said and thank you for taking the time to think about others, yet again. Thank you too for your insights and encouragement. A Blessed and Peaceful Christmas to you and a Happy Healthy New Year too!

wonderful post, anna. exactly what i, and i'm sure others, needed to get through the holidays this year. your words have encouraged and supported me to keep going, as we initiate our no contact with the n's in our life.

I think what is so hard for some ( and was for me) is that we have been steeped in the delusional reality of the N parent for so long. It is the only "normal" we have known from a very young age. Grabbing hold of the truth and reality can be a long process - it is choosing to come out of everything you have ever known. Somewhere inside you know that the the truth will cause devisiveness and you have to be ready to confront the fact that there is zero tolerance for any deviation from anything other than the N's point of view. You have to get to the point where your integrity is more important than placating the N - to hell with the consequences. Many simply don't want to make that hard choice and so stay trapped.

Ah, but the breath of fresh air once you decide to fully step out of the insanity and into truth and reality. It's too bad it has to come at such a cost - the loss of your family. It's a decision that I wish no one had to make. Literally it is a desicion between "yourself" or your family-such that it is or ever was a family in the truest sense of the word.

Perhaps you could address something for me. You have talked about the pressure we can receive from do-gooders who think there is something amiss because we are not reconciled with our families. Can you address a little twist on this?

What about the pressure from feeling guilty when feelings of anger and hatred erupt toward the narcissitic parent once the full import of the truth starts to hit. My sister is beginning to weed her way out of the thick fog but feels very ambivalent and guilty for having feelings of hatred toward my parents at times. I have expressed to her that my personal opinion is that these feelings are justified once you let yourself recognize the full import of what has been done and is continuing to be done to you. That these feelings are not "wrong" and don't need to be edited or swept under the rug. She can't help but feel very ambivalent because "isn't it wrong to hate?" Especially your parents? I know for me it isn't so much that I hate my mother, it is more that I HATE her audacity, I HATE her hypocrisy, I HATE her failure to bow her knee and take a good look inward, I HATE what she does to people under the guise of care and concern. I HATE the fact that everything she does is deniable and she turns it on the other. I think Jesus hates these very same things.

But what is it about the parent-child bond that makes it so hard to not feel like you are betraying them when they have indeed betrayed you your whole life? What is it about Christians being so afraid to register legitimate anger and hatred in general, let alone toward a parent?

Yeahhhh.....! (What 'naivenolonger' said.) I would like to hear more on this too. Maybe not today...(Holiday) but sometime soon. I rassle around inside with 'I don't want to be a TroubleMaker'...'I don't want to stir things up.'....'Maybe it she just influenced ME this way and the rest weren't affected the same way.'....'I don't want to make it look like I am just trying to get them on MY side (instead of HER side)'....ooooh....my 'list' could go on and on. I never was very 'causal' anyway.....kept my religious beliefs and my political leanings to myself.....so, I am hesitant to get on any band wagon about her anyway....though I don't feel I have any qualms about addressing something should it come up. Part of the 'problem' is that we (siblings) had it drilled into us, verbally and non-verbally, NEVER to speak ill of our parents. If we harboured ill feelings over any particular incident, we simply kept it to ourselves. Generally, for survival, we ostracized the person 'in trouble'....just left them alone....and were expected to just leave them alone. Absolutely NO way to have contact with them...play with them....much less treat them with any sympathetic words or actions. That's just how it was. It's like we (siblings) just don't have any way to talk about things together....to 'compare notes' on our upbringing....to speak our rage...or ask our questions. What is sad is that our family members WERE MOST OFTEN OUR ONLY WITNESS!!!!....and they won't...or can't come forward on my behalf for the same fear and dread as the one I suffer from. Do they simply not feel any anger or talk about some incident because they weren't hurt and damaged as badly as I was/am? Or are they locked in the same fear?.....and all these years I've been thinking I was the only CrazyOne? (Actually, I'm pretty sure I was 'used' the most, trapped the best, and damaged the longest....BUT...maybe not...?)

So....It seems to be one thing to STAND UP and holler when 'something' comes up....ie: A lie of Nmoms, a bitto gossip of Nmoms, etc.....but it is another thing to call around and start in about her and what she is and what she has done...just out of the blue. I think. I'm trying to simply deal with 'it' as the subject(s) present themselves....rather than initiate the 'war'. Oh....there WILL be 'war'...no doubt....but I don't need to start it. To reject a Lie and a Liar....is not the same thing as 'starting a war'......but a 'war' will most likely follow.

'Betrayal of the parent'....yes...that SecretPact we made with them...under the guise of 'Honor thy Father and Mother....'.....never to speak of the family...never to disagree....never to'rebel'....ChristianVoodoo!!!! What horrible things to do to little children! Never to release us.....AND JUST WHAT IS 'HONOR'? A frikkin' Code of Silence?!!!! Oh....let's not talk about that MentallyIllElephant in our Living Room.....she's ALWAYS been there...we are used to her....sure, we shovelled her ElephantSizedShit all our lives...but we LOVE her. The neighbors don't have Elephants in THEIR living room...because they aren't Special like our family....so we won't talk about it because they wouldn't understand....Coo coo. Absolutely cockcoo. Ptui.

No. I'm not mad. I'm sick. Sorry....all this on Christmas! Ho...well. Anna....you don't have to post this comment....I just needed to write it....Thanks...kroseloree

Good Post again Anna! I wish i had read it on Christmas Eve (when we celebrate Christmas) instead of today - it would have immediately dissipated all of the guilt and anguish i was feeling at having yet another Christmas with NC with Nmother et.al.

Like a fool, i went ahead and sent a nice Christmas centerpiece along with a card. Of course, i could not write what a wanted to write which was "you don't even deserve this you ungrateful, spiteful b*tch!" rofl... anyhow, my spouse thankfully gave me some insight on what to write, so i did and had the the flowers delivered.

As usual, I got her stone cold silence and no reply. Not even a simple "thank you for the flowers". No Merry Christmas. No how are you doing - would you like to have a coffee? Not that i was expecting anything, but it got me thinking once again, how a NORMAL person upon recieving a gorgeous bouquet of flowers would have the courtesy to thank the sender.... but noooooooo.... not Her Royal Highness Queen N mother who has taken it upon herself to disown me and my children (not even a card for the grandkids).

On Christmas, I had a gift for my brother (who i have been forbidden to have any contact with since she has cut us off - very sad but i still send him something so he knows i have not forgotten about him).

I was dreading the drive to her house - absolutely dreading it. I told my spouse i did not want to go. And he says, "why? what are you afraid of? you didn't do anything wrong - besides your mother will not be home. It's Christmas so she'll be on Defcon 5 and seal the house and refuse to answer the door"....and you know what? That's exactly right!

I did not do anything wrong other than stubbornly cling to the TRUTH. So i packed up the car and get to her house and sure enough, every light is OFF and the house is sealed up tighter than a drum and no answer. So i left the gift for my brother at the door (the flowers i know she got b/c i have a confirmation from the florist).

I suppose I should be thankful my children are not exposed to her regular bouts of poision...but come on! What kind of EVIL must reside in her cold heart to not even have the slightest bit of warmth and compassion on her children and grandchildren. She is getting a payoff to keep up this behaviour... I suppose the payoff is she would rather have her PRIDE than her family. She would rather be PUFFED UP and VAIN and point fingers and judge people than humble herself and try to make amends.

And I realize now that if SHE wanted to end this cold war between us, it would have been done a long time ago. It takes TWO people to sustain and maintain a relationship. It takes TWO people to come together and reconcile their differences. It only takes ONE person...one cold hearted, stubborn, proud, evil person to cling to lies and harbor grudges to keep the hatred and war alive....and that is exactly what she is doing.

And its funny how this christmas i was privileged to share it with a cousin of N mothers who i have not seen for over 25 years - since she cut me off from all family who did not take her side when she divorced my father - even people from HER side she disowned. So here i am talking with Nmother's cousin and I finally got the courage to ask why my parents divorced and they replied matter of factly:

That my mother's family came from poor roots and when you grow up with nothing and you see others who are successful, weathly etc., it stirs up feelings of greed and envy...and my mother just could not stop coveting what other's had...she always need to have MORE MORE MORE and better than everyone else...she was not a humble woman...

I wanted to learn more but had to cut the evening short as Santa was coming and the kids had to get to bed.

Anyhow, thank you again for a wonderful blog. You help me in so many ways. Have a merry christmas and happy new year.

Thank you! I sure needed that- just when you think you've come out of the woods- that you are seeing clearly- something can trigger a response so deep within you - you didn't realize it was still there-

Your explanation of living in TRUTH and how that can cause others to be enemies- was exactly what I needed TODAY!

I can truly relate to this well written article on narcissism and Christmas. Thanks for throwing in some bible scriptures--nothing gives revelation like the Word of God. Keep writing--what a gift you have.

Disclaimer

Narcissists Suck contains my observations and understanding of malignant narcissism. This blog is my attempt to clearly describe and explain the dynamics of a relationship with a malignant narcissist to the average person from the perspective of an average person. I am not an expert, and nothing I say on this blog is to be construed as an expert opinion. This is my experience. I am not your counselor or adviser. This Web site isn't intended as professional advice of any sort.

The information provided in this blog is provided in good faith for general informational purposes only. However, Narcissists Suck should not be considered a substitute for the advice of a mental health professional, diagnosis or treatment. Do not rely on information contained on this site in place of the advice of a mental health professional.

Certain links on this site lead to information or resources maintained by third parties about which Narcissists Suck makes no representations as to accuracy or any other aspect of such information or resources.

Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Batteries not included. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. Do not use while bathing. Do not operate heavy machinery while using this blog. Oh, and don't drive on the railroad tracks.

Use of this web site constitutes your understanding and consent to these terms.