PARENT FORWARD: What makes a good dad

If you ask our oldest son, Steve Jr., who is now a dad himself, he will probably give you a two-word answer, "head butts."

Ask my husband and he'll tell you that he didn't want to hurt him any more than himself. A carefully administered mind meld, with isometric force, was his idea of getting his message across. And though Steve and his younger brother, Sean, only received the laying of hands once or twice during their adolescence when earthling boys need it most, he's never forgotten the effectiveness of it.

Although our daughters didn't get the Vulcan treatment in quite the same way that their brothers did, they will tell you that as funny as Dad can be, he's a no-nonsense Dad, who sticks to his principles.

And that is the core of what attracted me in the first place; his moral character, strength, and ability to reason, and a smile that beats the sun.

Wrapped around that core are layers like his spontaneous wit that never quits, a tool "The King of Puns and Fun" has passed on to the kids. Even in the worst situations he's able to find a joke to lighten the mood.

On a more serious note, my husband treated his role of fatherhood as if he had knelt at the throne of parenthood and been knighted. From that moment he made it his undying quest. You never know if you're doing it right as a parent, but he always seems to have an uncanny way of knowing.

One thing all four of our children will agree on is that their father has always been there for them.

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I was curious, though, how they would put their praises into words.

The other day he was holding our 10-month-old grandson, who has just learned how to say, "Hi!"

"I miss this," he said wistfully.

I knew he was talking about raising children. He was really good at it, too, always making time for every sports and arts event, every conference, every joy, and every challenge an integral part of his own life.

I sent a group text to the kids. It was the middle of the week in the middle of the day, and they would be engrossed in the middle of their work. I pictured them handling their responsibilities and yet still checking when a text came in from me just to make sure. Communication was high on their father's list of priorities.

Almost immediately Jillian, our middle child, in the middle of coordinating stem cell collections for matched donor/patient pairs, was the first to respond.

A single word appeared in a bubble all by itself: "Respect."

I thought about how he's modeled respect and how he gives it to everyone he meets, no matter what their station in life. He takes time to look people in the eye and listen to what they have to say. He always says, "Everyone deserves your respect until they've shown you they don't."

Jillian sent two more messages noting her Dad's great sense of humor, and his awesome impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

When she was little, they had a goofy act, both of them posing like over-the-top like body builders and speaking with a botched Bavarian accent.

She added, "Dad's always encouraging, getting you out of binds, and believing that no one is ever good enough for you."

I shot back to a scene where her older sister's boyfriend was arriving shortly to have dinner with us for the first time, and her dad decided to dress in a pair of overalls, tape a butter knife to the end of a BB gun and greet him at the door.

Jillian once said after a break-up with a boyfriend who wasn't measuring up, "Mom, Dad picks the next one."

Her father has always listened with respect, patience, and always a dash of humor.

My phone started to chime with incoming messages.

Natalie, who's made us grandparents twice now, summed it up from her corporate cubicle where she was training a Babson summer intern: "A good dad is someone who is engaged and supportive, a dad who gets his hands dirty just like mom does when it comes to changing diapers, tubs, feedings, etc. A Dad who includes their kids in activities as much as possible; i.e., I need to take out the trash, come help me, or I'm running some errands -- come with me. One who listens and takes time to explain things and answer his child's questions. One who treats mom (and women) with respect and honor."

I was transported back to the day she was born, and I smiled at the image of her father handling the very first diaper change. Here's the rub: Natalie was describing her husband to a T. She's married a man who is a lot like her father, a provider, an honest and intelligent man, someone who's comfortable in his own skin.

Second in line, Steve Jr., from his engineer's drafting table, piped up. He sent: "Can't you just say refer to Steve Toomey Jr.?"

I can always count on Steve to be quick-witted, and to the point, similar to someone else I know and love.

I replied, "LOL," which was followed by Nat's, "Ha, Stevie!!!"

I goaded him.

"Stevie, would you like to share some of the tips you learned from Dad, maybe the ones in your Steve Jr. Handbook?"

As I worked, my phone chimed again.

"Head butts" showed up in a gray bubble. Enough said; you know the backstory.

Joining in the fun, I wrote: "LOL," and added, "Are you going to do the same thing to your son?"

"Already have, works like a charm," he texted as quick as a flash.

That light-hearted fun was coming out. He taught the kids by example to never take yourself too seriously. My husband says there's more than enough of that to go around.

No word from Sean. He was probably on top of a beam wielding heavy tools to the sputter of a compressor thinking about how he could power up the world for free.

"C'mon, dig deeper," I texted back to Stevie.

Another message came in from Jillian.

"Dad's spontaneous, and makes things fun, a MacGyver."

Still no response from Sean, our youngest. I thought, he's probably standing in the sun next to his Dad, each arguing over whose shadow is bigger.

The next morning I woke to Sean's message.

"Dad is self-sacrificing -- he puts his family first."

I couldn't have summed it up any better myself.

(Happy Father's Day, to all of those dads who speak the same language as Steve Toomey Sr. You all deserve it!)

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