A wedding, a funeral, and an anxiety attack later...

I find myself in a hotel room, fully paid for by a relative who makes more money than I ever will in my lifetime and I wonder,,. How did I get here? Sure I mean I literally drove here, but that's not what I'm asking. My direct family, we're barely middle class. I know the classic, "It could be worse" scenerio, but the fact is, it isn't worse. Another cliche, it is what it is. I think I'm finally on the road to recovery, I just have to seal my wound before anyone pours more salt, or tries to re-open it. I finally broke down and cried when I finally realized... I lost two children before they were even born to miscarrage. The woman it was with, we were set to marry before she was even pregnant. Yet another classic phrase, one thing leads to another, two to tango, yadda yadda yadda. The fact is, in a way, it was better that they didn't make it. I would have loved them, but in all honesty I couldn't afford raising kids, I'd become a burden and I'd hate myself more than I already do. It just hurts when someone says, "You'll understand when you are a parent." as if I couldn't understand a basic concept of loving and caring for a child.... is it easy to raise kids? Heck no. But the fact remains I am able to understand it. I know it's hard to raise a family... my family has been torn apart by a near divorce, a wrongful arrest, my dad being set on fire in an accident.... it's just been one emotional trip after the other. I make so many mistakes... I wonder how God could even love a sorry son of a gun like me, but I'm thankful that he does.

I know I'm not the greatest example for Christ but I'm trying my best here. One day I know I will be better. As long as I spend my time well, my brain, heart, and body will heal. In just hope my next (if at all) post in the mature forum will be, "How I survived my brain trying to kill me" and a lengthy long winded post will ensue of my recovery. Hopefully it will inspire others. I can never change someone's mind.... I can only make them think.

A random quote for you to think about by... myself, "What do you live for? What would you die for? What makes you... you. I challenge you to reflect on yourself and ask yourself, how do I change for the better? Have I hurt anyone recently? Should I apologize? What will you do to change the world? Or are you going to stay and play it safe on the sidelines? Whatever you do, do it with purpose."