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3 September 2017

jealousy

It only takes your time and eats your mind. Why is it that we look at the next person with a silent disgusted look on our face? I always say how I don't want to spread hatred or jealousy yet time after time, amongst certain people I can't help but feel I'm lacking something and they have it. It's an unwanted competition I try to walk away from but the toxins are already loose and oh, the temptation to give in to them is luring.

When I sit there and the other one tells about the things I get jealous of I try to think it this way: it’s their life, it’s their choices and their values. Mine might be more or less different but nevertheless capital M mine. In this life of mine I get what I’m given and I can make the most out of that. I’ve been given so much — much more than most — and still there will always be others who have been given more. It’s not my loss. However, it is my loss if I give in to jealousy. I don’t know why is it so hard to remember there’s no gain in jealousy but the absolute opposite.

Today I took the train to the capital. As I was sitting face towards a window on the other side of the corridor uncertainty stroke me. I started looking around: what were others wearing, who were they with, what were they like. I regretted what I had chosen to wear, which choices I had made with my look, with my values, with my life. Before I knew the toxins were eating my confidence. Lord, I hated it. So I popped my headphones in my ears and turned up mellow beats. I shaped up and put my elbow on the windowsill, closed my eyes and started tapping the floor to the rhythm. I played piano with the fingers of my right hand. I opened my eyes and there was an old man standing in the lobby of the train, tapping the floor with his foot in the same beat, looking at me and smiling. I smiled back.

As I understand it, jealousy is about not feeling enough. We need attention. We need recognition. Well, at least I do. One smile, that’s all it took to vanish the toxins. One smile and I gained back my confidence. I got that smile by not envying the others but fighting against it.