The Chaos Index, Week Two: Seasons Start To Implode

Remember when Urban Meyer was the GOAT? Remember when Paul Graham used to jump to a new gig every year, kinda like the Larry Brown of college football? Remember when Kevin Sumlin was an offensive mastermind? Remember when Texas wanted to back up the money truck for Jim Mora? Remember when Bret Bielema was gonna fix the Hogs?

Forget it, but don’t forget to come along for the ride as we survey the smoldering wreckage left when college football seasons fall down and go boom.

Baylor – You don’t make it into The Chaos Index because you suck; you make it because you’re a freaking mess. Of course, if you’re a freaking mess and you really, really suck, you’re bound for the “stars”. Lose to Liberty and a UTSA team that hadn’t played yet, and you’re #1 with a bullet.

Texas A&M – After last week’s meltdown, a ten-point “conquest” of Nicholls State should tell you that this is going to be a long year in Aggieland and a short season in Sumlinland.

Ohio State – Remember when Urbz was The Greatest Coach Ever? Then, he was The Greatest Coach Not Named Nick. Now, he’s the offensive guru whose world-beating quarterbacks keep regressing on him.

The Sun Belt – Y’know those college basketball conference showdowns? If someone scheduled the #FunBelt-MVFC Football Showdown, who do you think would win? Hint: it’s not the alleged FBS conference.

Arizona State – San Diego State may not be the awful team you remember from your youth, but they’re definitely the kind of team that you beat if you want to play ball in the Pac-12. The Devils are no longer ballers, are they?

Texas – Ooh! You whacked San Jose State. Good luck with the team a few hundred miles south next week. Luckily, the understanding fans in burnt orange won’t melt down one little bit when they watch their team lose by five touchdowns while being fed regular reminders of Vince Young.

Notre Dame – The fans are far more understanding in South Bend, and when the Irish lose at home to a one-man team without its one man, there’s hardly any reason at all to think they’ll want to whack Brian Kelly upside the head with a shillelagh.

Arkansas – A three-touchdown beatdown at home indicates that the #karma ain’t getting better for Bret and Company, is it? That matchup with #2 TAMU next week is going to drive some fanbase even further into meltdown mode.

UCLA – How ’bout that offense? Okay, how ’bout that Josh Rosen? How ’bout that defense getting plowed for 500+ by Hawaii? It’s a good thing that their personal boogeymen from Stanford aren’t on the schedule in another two wee…never mind.

UNLV – The Rebels are rolling! They’ve even got the same record as Howard!!!

Oregon State – Welcome to 1-11Land, population you.

North Carolina – Welcome back to WhoCaresLand, population you.

Los Angeles Dodgers – Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know; wrong sport. Think of it this way, when you’ve gone from being the Greatest. Team. Ever? in SI to being in danger of blowing a 20something game lead in your division, what you’ve done has transcended your sport completely.

New England Patriots – Speaking of which, when your fans have become more obnoxiously self-entitled that the combined hubris of the people wearing burnt orange, worshipping Touchdown Jesus, and cheering for a drum major wearing a dungeons & dragons costume, and you get the peace sign flashed at your in your own crib while celebrating The Greatest Comeback Of All Time!!!, you’ve transcended your sport completely.

Nebraska – There’s no hubris in Lincoln (and it’s environs, which in Huskerland extend to New York and L.A), but there are a lot of people wearing red who have certain expectations. Losing to a not-back-yet Oregon squad ain’t meeting expectations.

Missouri – I forget. Is this the Mizzou team with no offense, no defense, or both? Considering that it’s the Mizzou team that just capped its DC two weeks into the season, it’s now just two more firings short of maybe getting things right.

BYU – How’s that move to become The Next Notre Dame working out? Not that being The First Notre Dame is any great shakes these days, of course, but the Cougs ought to be begging to get back into the MWC post haste.

Rutgers – No truth to the rumors that the conference will rebrand as The B1G Plus the L1ttle 1.

Virginia – Wow! There are maybe two wins left on the Wahoo schedule, and both of them are definitely maybe games at best. How long until we hear the cry, WahooWTF? Let the 2017 Bronco bashing commence!

East Carolina – We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again: before you run off your head coach, make sure you aren’t shooting yourself in the foot. How does the decision to cap Ruffin McNeill look now, Pirates?