funluvin we agree with you 100% whenever we get a feeling we run with that feeling always.Its never been wrong in 7 years so far. I know i have said this so many times,its not a real good idea to get into an emtional bond with other couples when sex is invovled, with an emotional bond comes feelings of love ,want,need to see each other.We also hear this so many times, you must be a friend first.I would love for people to say how many friends they still have from their very first years of swinging ,those with more then 4 years experince. Friends from the beginning that you still run with on a regular basis.Not asking to see how many partners others have been with , for us we have two couples that we enjoy seeing on a regular basis since the beginning for us.Thats based on a 7 year swinging experience.Yes we have many many acquantances,those we can share a drink ,say hello to in the grocery store or at pta,park. civic function.Solid friends ,usualy do not occur in swinging, they normally do not last as long as the sex does!.Again its all in the terminology of what you consider to be a friend.

Sarasota FL

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It's always possible that you find yourself mislead by a couple about their situation, and it could happen to anybody. Still, it sends a really strong message about the wisdom of taking your time to get to know a couple before jumping into bed. I think after being in the lifestyle for more than a few years you tend to develop a really good intuition about new people you are talking with or meet. Usually there is a red flag of some kind if you are alert to such possibilities and not just so excited about jumping into bed that you miss the signals.

South Riding VA

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We've had many separate dates with swing partners. It's really a lot of fun. Usually we will go separate ways during the day and all meet up for dinner that night. Other times it is an all day, all night, adventure. We wouldn't do this with just any couple, but sometimes it is nice opportunity to get to know your regular swing partners a little better. We aren't afraid or concerned about having feelings for our swing partners, if anything, those feelings just reinforce the trust and bond we share as husband and wife. As for your swing partners becoming upset when you see others? They probably really like you and are afraid you might find a couple you enjoy more than them and stop playing with them alltogether. Their feelings towards you are compliments in a way. If they are sensitive to you seeing others we would advise not talking about other couples when you are with them.

Pottstown PA

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Damn Cindee, That story sure put a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye. We too have found what you describe through similar circumstances. Totaly wonderful, isn't it? Smiles, Mike

Bedford PA

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wife agree with you.that that is my wifes biggest fear about single females.hence we have the fuck and flee mentality with the single females we have meet.we only will play with single females we meet in pubs. We will always run from a couple who seem to have a marriage on the rocks.Its fairly easy to tell when a couple has a marriage that is only off convienence. I hope we do not offend anyone but our feelings are exactly as wife has explained.If there is trouble in a marriage this is not the play thing to be involved in.Not a judgement here just a wish.We have seen so many people who think this is or can be a repair a marriage, it can only defeat a marriage if it is not built on trust ,love security. Are we saying that what you have is not what we just described, no not at all.What we are saying the relationship that brought you together was not. Just a thought here. I have a great marriage , we do everything together.I could twist that into she is so controling she won't let me go by myself.its all about what we perceive to be what is needed.the truth of the matter is suzy is more fun to be with then anyone else i have ever met. there is a saying that happens to be true about all things, there is this side and that side and the truth is somewhere out there. This is a tough one to render an opinion on.my mind says you go girl,but on the other hand it also says whoa back that truck up.The reason ,I can never see myself with another woman to replace the woman I have. She is not only the woman of my life she is my best friend ,lover, mother of my children, the joy of my life ,the guiding light and my strength.She is what inspires me to do what we have done together and what we will do. I could never envision myself with another that I could love as much as I do her.She above all has made my life what it is today. .This is where i am coming from.To have someone come into my life and turn it upside down would be something I could never fathom .Thats why it is so difficult to come up with another opinion then what I have come up with.I would drop swinging so fast if it would ever come between suzy and myself. A fuck does not mean that much with the over all .

Sarasota FL

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Okay, here is my take on this. I think emotional attachment can happen a number of ways. But, to have the emotional attachment that can harm a marriage, that's another issue, because that would mean the emotional attachment for the spouses is not as strong as it should be entering into this lifestyle. For me, there HAS to be at least small emotional attachment for me to have an orgasm. That emotional attachment can be as simple as a physical attraction (yes, physical attraction stimulates the brain just as a common interest can). So, to me, that is the one end of emotional attachment. Having a strong emotional attachment to one person of a couple can definatley lead to major problems in the marriage. We haven't had that many "play dates" to be able to form that kind of attachment, but if we did, since we agree to be open and honest with each other every step of the way, we would see that happening ahead of time (I hope) and be able to back away from that going any further. I also agree that married couples "dating" without the spouse is first off the preference of the couples involved, but did make me tend to think of it as an open marriage. That is until we became friends with a couple that allow the other to "date". Now I think that "dating" is just an extension of the "something different" I feel most of us are here for. As said on more than a few occassions, everyone's preference is just that, THEIR preference, and should not be stereotyped as an "open marriage" As far as Mr and Mrs OldFarts situation, to me, that's scary. In one of the posts by them, I thought I remembered that Mr OldFart had the opportunity to "save" his marriage by getting out of the lifestyle. That would make me think that the lifestyle was more important to him than his spouse. And if I was Mrs Oldfart, I wouldn't be able to help wondering if he did it once, would he do it again? One thing that's funny to me about all this, my hubby and I decided we would do same room/same bed. We both decided that seperate "dating" was not something we would do. BUT, on the other hand, there is a couple that we have become good friends with. I (the wife) go out with the other couples wife. (she isn't bi and I wouldn't force the issue, but is THAT considered dating?) My hubby and the other couple's hubby have tried to make plans for THEM to go out, but something always stands in the way (usually work). In our case, we each enjoy being with the person that we give permission to our spouses to have sex with.

I hope I made some sense because I'm having a hard time doing that lately.

If the couple who started this post agreed originally not to do seperate dates, then they shouldn't do it. If the hubby thinks this other guy is getting too familiar with his wife, I would put a stop to it. Maybe even rethink the friendship to begin with. The other husband doesn't seem to be putting the first couples feelings in a priority. To me, that's a definate no-no. Even if the other couple's wife knows about it. If you have an agreement with your wife not to date seperately, then maybe your wife is getting too emotionally attached to this other guy in order to ask you to change the rules. MY suggestion, not only walk away from this one couple, but take some time out to work on your own marriage, making it strong enough not to have this situation brought up again.

Lora

Pittston Township PA

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might want to ask dr robin whats she thinks on this one.bet she can come up with some facts .when we ask for statistics both sides can always come up with stats to show their point.It would again be an opinion on which set of stats to agree with. We do agree with va , you draw on experiences both your own , others and what you have witnessed. Our first year we did absolutely nothing but went to house parties, party houses , on and off premise swing clubs and spoke with many swingers on their thoughts. The only conclusion that we came up with is this. There is no wrong or right way to swing only the way your most comfortable in what you wish to do.We have taken this with us for the last 7 years. If something is not for us fine, if something is not for you fine too.no reason to condem anyone for what you do not accept

Sarasota FL

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Content, I'm not sure how to answer your question "What's your guess as to the proportion of couples who swing on a more-or-less regular basis?"

I'm not sure if you meant couples in general, including all couples in the U.S. whether or not they are swingers, or just swingers. I'm also not sure how to define a "more-or-less regular basis."

I've seen a few figures on the percentage of couples in the U.S. who swing, but I don't know how reliable they are. Guesstimates that I've seen run from about 1% to 3% of the couples in the entire population. I have no clue how accurate that is or if those figures came from the old reliable SWAG method (Scientific Wild-Ass Guess, for those who don't know what that is).

It would be interesting to know how "regularly" couples who have included mutually consensual sex with others in their lives actually do have sex outside their marriages.

Just speaking from our own experience, we have seen times when we played with a couple or group of couples 10-12 consecutive weekends, and did that 2 or 3 times in the same 12-month period. We have also experienced years when we only played 3 or 4 times all year.

We have seen couples play weekend after weekend for long periods, then almost withdraw from swinging totally for months. We've taken several breaks from swinging ourselves when we discovered we were having sex with other people more often than with each other and wanted to change that.

Life has a way of getting in the way of our sexual wishes. We would LOVE to play 2-3 weekends a month, but that seldom happens. Work demands, travel schedules, and family commitments get in the way, and the people we play with have the same kind of demands, schedules & commitments, so even when we all WANT to get together it may require scheduling something a month or 6 weeks ahead of time to find a date that works for us and the other couple. So much for spontaneity!

I would also find it interesting to know how frequency of swinging varies among couples in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, etc., as well as how it varies with length of time in the lifestyle, such as 0-5 years, 6-10 years, 10-20 years, etc. I would bet that it also depends a lot on whether there are still children at home and how old they are.

So I can't answer your question. What do others do? How "regularly" do you swing?

Jim

South Riding VA

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Lmao, Bill, I think I like you, or at least your sense humor.

Jim, you are absolutely right. The problem is that some people will look at a statistic sampling and expect most people to be exactly like the average. I hear alot of "All swingers are ( fill in the blank )". Most of what they fill in the blank with comes from what surveys and documentaries are out there, ie, the vh1 special. The point I was trying to make is that those kind of expectations are unreasonable due to the vast variety of unique individuals this lifestyle contains.

Damn, I love variety!!! Giggles

Bedford PA

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some couples get off more by going seperate/ They love the idea of coming home and replaying what went on.. We have a couple friend and this is how they always play. What comes to mind, you say for the past few weeks you have been playing with them on a steady basis.It sounds as if he is suggesting that you take his wife and she go with him.That sort of says they know what they want to do.You just have to decide if that is for you. We do not care for emotional ties, we also do not care for exclusive play.Both of these are problems to us. We have never been emotional nor have we been exclusive to or with anyone. We have been with couples who thought that we should be emotional and exclusive. We talked with this one couple 3 times after I put a stop on the sex.They could not accept NO and wanted to have tiem to change our minds.To much emotion there. Another time a couple thought we were exclusive. How we found out. They started looking for our car in the parking lots of a few pubs. When they located us, If I was talking to another female she would come over, jump in my lap and start to kiss me.It did not matter to her that this or that couple were vanilla people, we just met or swingers.How they got this notion that we were exclusive is way beyond us. We introduced them to our swing friends, we also took them with us to after parties to introduce them to others.This has been the only time we have had anyone mistake a sexual relationship with being exclusve.On the other hand we have had several that have had an emotional attachment. On the emotional attachment, we believe that happens quite a bit for a major reason. They have had great fun, have done things out of the norm for them and have really enjoyed it. They see to think that every time you get together it will be the same thing, wild and crazy and out of character.Hence the desire to be with you ,infatuation more then emotional. The couples that have had this with us can't believe how fast I can cut off the relationship without having to much concern on the emotional front.We only have emotion for each other , our family and our true good friends.