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I recently made a few waves in the business world for criticizing my own company's unfair hiring practices. Only 3% of our employees were really hot women aged 18 to 30, a fact that sickened me considering how far we've come as a society in the past century. I fought the good fight, and social injustices were soon corrected as our entire staff was replaced with the Victoria's Secret models. Let that be a lesson to all who would discriminate based on incredibly good looks and poor aptitude tests. Thanks this week go to Aaron "Elcybergoth" Young (Rosie O'Donnell look-alike) and Jason "Vengeance Otter" Johnson (Rosie O'Donnell feel-alike).

Homeyard Defense

When we rolled out of our collective Og Beds this morning, we popped up ramrod straight and exclaimed, "Holy beetles!" What brought this sudden and curiously phrased expression, you ask? It was an epiphany, or as we like to say, an Ogpiphany (all rights reserved). We suddenly realized that our homes were almost completely undefended, easy pickings for any bad seed who might want to throw chainsaws through the windows or pour acid in the mailbox. It's no party inside either, as the goddamned kids leave their damn toys all over the damn place, and there's always the threat of plaque buildup.

What's to be done about this woeful security situation? Sell the house and move to Canada? Not bloody likely! We're prepared to offer the only sensible option to defend your homestead from the faceless menace: a roving pack of hungry hyenas. When a pack of wild and crazy animals is running all over the damn place you won't have time to worry about some etherial boogieman that spooks you out of bed in the morning. Those things are freaking dangerous! Any actual wrongdoers will think twice about trying anything if there's a pack of hyenas in the yard. And the kids? They'll behave.

Note to Whoever Put Non-dairy Creamer in the Vat of Sin:

Thanks a lot. Your low fat alternative whitener has polluted three months of accumulated filth. All that pure virgin blood has gone to waste thanks to your careless error. When the Big Man finds out about this there will be censures department-wide. Couldn't you have just drunk herbal tea like the rest of us? Jesus. I hope you're the one who ends up having to pull the ox bones out from the sludge at the bottom. That'll serve you right, you health-conscious spell-ruining fairy.

Dr. Brynner Returns!

Hi there everyone, it’s me, Dr. L. Brynner, again. The topic of this week’s article is how to find the right therapist to help you through your emotional issues and how to avoid being ripped off because, sadly, nearly all psychologists, counselors, and psychiatrists want to do just that. Fortunately, the solution is simple: turn to State Og for all of your psychological needs!

I can’t stress enough how many so-called mental health professionals out there will allow the number of therapy sessions to drag on for weeks, months and even years. As a result, State Og's promise to you is that we will never gouge our patients under the guise of “long-term psychological and/or psychiatric treatment.” This is why I, and my hand picked team of Psychicians (TM), only work on commission. That’s right, we only get paid if we actually solve your problems, so it behooves us to actually get right down to the nitty-gritty and give it to your personal demons right up the ass, while other more “certified” psychologists and counselors will only pretend to treat your problems because they want you (and your checkbook) to come back next week.

Just look at these testimonials:

Thank you, Dr. Brynner!

Having grown up with a mother who physically and mentally abused me for nearly two decades, a mere hour of your patented Dr. L. Brynner Hyper-Intense Psychotherapy Treatment (TM) gave me the strength to heal my deep spiritual wounds and confront my mom. Not only did we resolve all issues between us, we are now engaged to be married!

John Bachman, Tampa, Florida.

Thanks, John. I don’t see it happening, but just in case your children ever need any psychological help, you’ll be pleased to know that kids now get a 30% discount!

You rock, Dr. B!

Before I met you or received the Dr. L. Brynner Hyper-Intense Psychotherapy Treatment (TM), I had an unreasonable fear of speaking in front of groups of people, which was ruining my career. Now, I still can’t believe that you cured me after just twenty minutes of hypnosis, during which you told me to imagine I was a Buddhist monk meditating on the beauty of a flower. For the first time in years felt that I was a peace, until you handed me a book of matches and can of gasoline, and told me to pretend I was a Buddhist monk protesting the Vietnam War.

When I later woke in the burn ward of my local hospital, I admit to really wanting to kill you, but after seeing how people now recoil in horror at the sight of my ghastly new visage, I’ve learned that people are a lot more frightened of me when I speak to them than I am of them. My phobia is cured!

Thanks, Harry Edwards

Remember, folks, don’t put your delicate psyche in the hands of someone who can’t promise results in an hour or less.