After the Family Forum’s ridiculous hugfest of a debate, I’ve finally come up with an explanation of the candidates sufficiently in keeping with the ongoing Republican theme of being caricatures. What follows is that explanation.

Mitt Romney:

Romney has gotten the most flak for not being sure where he stands on issues, which is supposed to reflect some weak character.

You’d think he’s…

But really, it’s not that Romney is uncertain. He’s just too damn smooth to be let off with a simple accusation of confusion. Romney knows exactly what he’s doing.

It’s more like he’s…

Jon Huntsman:

Huntsman avoids so many of the stereotypes that Republicans have become reviled for – he’s the sort of Republican you’d want to deal with, even if you don’t agree.

You’d think he’s…

But despite having the toolkit to be really successful, Huntsman has failed to generate sufficient buzz because he doesn’t always come off with enough force – often his dismissals of his opponents is charismatic, but not very serious.

It’s more like he’s…

Herman Cain:

Cain keeps insisting that the allegations against him were either trumped up or based on a misunderstanding of some perfectly innocent gestures; his accusers insist that something more sinister is going on. So – depending on whom you believe -

You’d think he’s…

either up to no good,

…or else it was just a poor choice of words, and this is all just a big misunderstanding.

No matter what, though, the outcome of these allegations isn’t terribly important when you consider that Herman Cain has no fucking clue what he’s talking about. He’s the perfect example of how a very, very little bit of knowledge is dangerous.

It’s more like he’s…

Rick Perry:

Perry wants to be President so badly. He doesn’t even care what policies it will take – tell him what to say, so he can say it.

You’d think he’s…

But his real problem is that even if you tell him what to say, he’ll still have trouble getting it out.

It’s more like he’s…

Newt Gingrich:

Newt is low-key, a little boring, and very wonky. He’ll often call out the other candidates for being sensationalist before proposing a specific (and seemingly reasonable) plan.

You’d think he’s…

…except that as his ship has surged, it is becoming apparent that his wonkishness translates straight into arrogance, and his views are a bit, ah, unorthodox. Behind all those big words and complex proposals, he’s really just mad people disagree with him.

It’s more like he’s…

Rick Santorum:

Rick Santorum is against gay marriage, and he thinks there’s something deeply metaphysical about marriage that makes gay marriage literally impossible. He’s wrong, but his abuse of philosophical language is precisely the kind we love to hate.

You’d think he’s…

Still, that’s just one symptom of the really deeply annoying thing about Rick Santorum, which is his insistence that “family values” are the most important part of everything.

It’s more like he’s…

Michelle Bachmann:

Really, the worst thing about Michelle Bachmann, even worse than the fact that she lacks basic math skills, is that no matter what she says, she blames Obama for something, even when she’s responsible for that thing.

It’s more like she’s…

Ron Paul:

We all know how extreme Ron Paul’s views are, and depending on how you feel about him, that’s either his best or his worst feature.

You’d think he’s…

either a visionary who will radically change the world,

Or misguided and completely off his rocker.

No matter how you feel about him, though, you have to applaud his consistency. The one thing everyone knows about Ron Paul is that he wants the government to get the fuck out of everything – that’s why they call him “Dr. No.”