My 87-year-old father has been living near Atlanta, Georgia, for
thirty years. Currently, he resides in an assisted living
facility at care level ''assisted living plus plus.'' His health is
frail, but stable. Recently, he talks more and more about wanting
to finish his life in California, where I live and where he spent
some of the best years of life. All four of his children now have
agreed to accede to his wish to move, and I have made preliminary
arrangements toward transfering him to an associated assisted
living facility near where I live. So far, so good.

The actual nuts and bolts of moving someone of his age and health
so far seem daunting to me, and I will be the one responsible. I
am guessing that fellow BPN members have carried out such a move
with one or both of their parents, and might have some experience
and advice to share. If people can share particular pitfalls I
might not otherwise consider, lessons learned, or things that
they ''wish they'd known beforehand,'' I'll appreciate the input.
Trying to Plan Ahead

My husband and I recently attended a great presentation at the
N. Berkeley Senior Center by Donna Robbins about moving elderly
parents-- she is a geriatric care manager and one of the
services she provides is orchestrating just the sort of move
you are describing. She has written a book called ''Moving Mom
and Dad'' which you can order from her website
(www.ultimatemoves.net)and she also provides consultations.
Good luck!
Paula

This is a tough one but I'm hoping that someone out there might
have some advice for me about how to help my Mother. She has had
a series of mental illness diagnosis -- from bi-polar disorder
to personality disorders. She has also been an alchoholic and
drug abuser for many years. She has been sober for the past 13
months and attends AA meetings daily. The problem is that she
cannot seem to get herself ''together'' enough to work. She used
to run a very successful non-profit organization, but that
pittered out after the alchohol/drug problems (which helped mask
her other issues) spun out of control. The other complication
is that she has a truly sordid history and reputation for
terrible manipulation of others in order to get her way. She has
pretty much used up and abused most of her family and friends. I
am her only child, and she has tried to shelter me from this
more or less, but has also manipulated and lied to me over the
past ten years. She's stuck now in Ashland, OR, with no money,
no job and is getting by on food stamps and Oregon state
assistance for prescriptions/minimal doctor care. My question
is, is there any help for people who need housing? I can't
afford to pay her rent and my recent pleas to family (her own
mother and all brothers and sisters) is fruitless. I can only
contribute minimally, but its not enough to get her a roof over
her head. Where can I turn to try to help her? Are there
organizations in Ashland that can help me/her? She cannot live
with me and my husband and small child because I fear that she
would ruin our lives -- and I would fear for my child's safety.
I could write on and on about the years of manipulation and
lies, but it was all during the period when she was clouded by
alchohol abuse in addition to having these serious mental
disorders. I think everyone else has given up on her, but I
cannot, as I feel obliged to help my only mother and i see that
she is *trying* to get back on track.

I, too, have a similar situation with my mom. Not fun!
Although I don't know the resources in Oregon, I'll tell you
about 2 things in Cal. that saved us financially. First, HUD
has an assistance program for elderly with low income and high
medical expense, where they will reduce your rent significantly
based on the % of medical expense she pays. For example, my mom
was paying $800 in rent at a very nice retirement community
apartment, and HUD reduced it to $130 a month at the same place!
Also, she can apply for Medi-Cal, based on income and age. If
approved, they will cover all or a portion of medical expenses.
My mom's perscription drug costs is ridicuolous and they started
covering it all! They are a nightmare to deal with, but once
you get through the red tape, it can really pay off. Each
county has a different office for both agencies so I couldn't
tell you who to call. Above all that, all you can do is your
best;trust that you need to live your life and you are not
responsible for her well-being or happiness. Good luck
Lisa
I don't know about particular services in Ashland, OR, but your
mother sounds very much like a family member of mine who,
before she died, somehow managed to basically stay off the
street. She had a state-appointed social worker who helped her
find all different kinds of inexpensive housing and treatment.
I strongly suspect that their are housing services for your
mother in Ashland. Good luck - I know how terribly hard it can
be to desperately want to, but not be able to, help someone
with your mother's problems.
anon
I have a similar situation. My father is paranoid schizophrenic.
He has been on so much medication for so long that he is also a
drug addict, taking more or less or his perscriptions to suit
his moods. My father receives SSI which is money from the state
for mentally disabled people. He has been receiving SSI since
his stay in a mental institution when I was a child. I don't
know how to go about getting SSI but your mother is eligable and
you can help her by contacting the Social Security Office in
Oregon if she can't do it herself. My father lives in a board
and care facility where someone else cooks and cleans. His SSI
payments cover his board and care plus a little spending money.
He also has medicare which covers his bills when he has to be
institutionalized periodically. Your mother should be eligable
for all of that plus I know that there are board and care
facilities for people who are dual diagnosed (mentally ill and
addicts). You could probably do the footwork over the phone if
your mother is willing to live the way you want her to. I always
come up against the problem of my father not being willing to do
what I want him to even though it would be best for him. His
ideas are very different from mine because he is not sane. With
all that said, the most important thing you can do to help your
mother is to take care of yourself. If she were well she would
want the best for you and she wouldn't want you to agonize over
her situation. You can't help anyone else unless you are first
taking care of yourself. For me, with my father, sometimes that
means not dealing with him when he is being really crazy. He is
always going to be the way he is, all I can do is try to have a
relationship that doesn't hurt either one of us or my family.
Good luck!
Danielle
I have no idea on the practical questions you ask about how to
help your mother; I hope others can answer that.
But your message brought tears to my eyes. Take care of
yourself, and well done - for being a mother yourself, for
breaking the cycle of illness, manipulation. My own mother died
at the time my first child was born, so I did not have to help
her - I did not have the opportunity to help her. I wish you
strength, and I hope you find the answers you are seeking.
Hi. I have been through all of that multiple times for my
younger brother, now 30. He has similar diagnoses, and a long up
and down history. I would be happy to talk to you and see if I
can offer any assistance... I think I can in some way. Feel free
to call me... after 8:00 PM will allow me to give my undivided
attention to our conversation. You can also try The Alliance For
the Mentally Ill. I believe they have a website.
Lisa
Well, I got the shivers reading your note...so many similarities to my own
situation which is also in crisis at the moment. Like yours, my mother has
had the alchohol/prescription drug abuse problem for many many years,
but unlike yours never got help or tried to recover (though a near-death
poisoning from said substances seems to have curbed her abuse) and
won't see a doctor to get a diagnosis. Her mental illness takes the forms of
hoarding possessions/trash to the point of safety hazard, delusions about
how to make money, and denial that she can't manage the money she
does acquire, i.e., she has spent every dime of a large inheritance and
retirement fund so is also not able to keep basic shelter (and is in fact
facing yet another eviction this week). The ultimate expression of her
problem is a basic refusal of any help except cash deposits into her bank
account. Like you, we can afford to pitch in a bit, but don't have room in
our house or lives (or community!) for someone who is, in her illness and
fear, extremely nasty, selfish etc (grandchildren, what grandchildren?). And
yet, she is my mother -- I really feel your pain and applaud your desire to
not give up on yours. Our family has pitched in with some resources, but
they have all been wasted. We tried an intervention, professional social
workers, all have not helped (yet...hope springs eternal). Our options seem
to be that she be allowed to go her own way, even be homeless if that is
her choice, or sue for conservatorship which we can't afford and probably
won't win. Not great options, huh. You don't say if your mom is a senior,
but you might contact the Ashland Senior Center as a place to start, or,
search for ''care managers'' on the web and you might find some stuff of
interest. Our focus has been on assisted living because of my mother's
myriad health problems, so the California Registry is also a resource that
might have an Oregon counterpart. Thank goodness your mother is
getting help and attending meetings! I have learned a lot from the
intervention about offering heartfelt help and real solutions, conquering
blame and guilt, standing by reasonable ultimatums, and letting go when
it's necessary. I'm so sorry the rest of your family can't be with you on
this,
it really helps to have a network of support. I wish you the best of luck
(and make sure you take care of yourself first, this is a very stressful
situation and wears away at you).
Sad daughter