Miss Rhode Island USA Olivia Culpo Is Crowned Miss USA

Last night, a conventionally attractive twenty-year-old beat out a bunch of identical ones to win a contest with no bearing on reality. Not just any pageant, though: the one that isn’t Miss America. Yes, Olivia Culpo–Miss Rhode Island–will take a year off from her studies (!?!?!) at Boston University to perform various Miss USA duties, the nature of which is unclear.