Secret Septum

By Anonymous · March 11, 2000

been thinking about getting my septum pierced for a while, but I didn't
actually go through with it until my friend Katie asked me to pierce her
nipples. I told her she should just wait till she turns eighteen, but she
would not listen. She said that she would just go grab a safety pin, so we
figured out what to order and made a list to appease and stall her. I told her
to sleep on it and do some research. Sure enough, she realized how much can go
wrong with nipples, and decided to go for a pair of helix piercings instead
(which I could almost do in my sleep). Well, I'd already been suckered into
doing my septum, too, so we ordered everything, and it arrived two days
later.
I pierced Katie's ear, ate dinner, and went to sing for the
Catholic Ladies' Association of BFE, Massachusetts (with a venom, no less).
When I got home, we set up to stick me. I had forceps and a receiving tube,
but I wasn't sure which I would use. I eventually decided to go with the
receiving tube. I practiced the placement a number of times with a straw and
the butt of a 14G sewing needle until I felt a little more at ease. With
Katie as my assistant, after Dial, gloves, Betadine, and alcohol, I was ready
to go. Katie opened the needle packets for me (my receiving tube was a 6G
needle with a cork on the end) and I got my hands in position. It was harder
to find just where I wanted the needle to enter because A) there was no mark
because I wouldn't be able to see up my nose to follow it anyway and B) I
couldn't touch the needle to my septum before actually pushing through, the
way I could with the end of the sewing needle. I kept saying, "it's not
straight, it's not straight," and Katie was telling me, "it's okay, babe,
it's straight. You can do this." So I did it. It pushed through remarkably
easily (and painlessly, but that could have just been the endorphins), so
easily in fact that I wasn't sure it had gone all the way through. I kept
pushing and the needle slid easily until it hit cork. I removed the tube and
exhaled. For a minute I just stood there thinking, "Wow, there's a big piece
of metal in my face...and I look good!" I know they tell you that it's a
reflex for your eyes to water. Well, at first my eye watered a little, but
then tears poured from my nostrils. It was really pretty strange. Oh, but
they tasted good on my lip, especially compared to the alcohol which had been
there a few moments earlier.
I took the retainer from the alcohol it had
been sitting in and let it air dry for a moment. (N.B. Fresh pierce + rubbing
alcohol = excessive profanity.) I followed the needle until it fell and then
turned the jewelry down into place. I had mixed feelings because once the
retainer was in, not only was it a little uncomfortable, but I could see that
it was slightly crooked. My cheerleader (God bless her) let me know that it
was going to be fine once I had a ring in - that no one would notice it. Then
I got to thinking, "who cares if people notice that it's crooked anyway? I
just did this to myself. I fucking rock, and if anyone thinks otherwise, they
can go sit in the corner." I flipped the retainer up as far as I could, which
was probably the hardest part of the whole thing besides the nerves when the
equipment first arrived. We oo-ed and ah-ed over its invisibility, and Katie
went home. I went to bed.
So there it is. Here are a few things I learned
from this whole experience that I'd like to pass on to you, dear
Reader.

Get pierced with a retainer. Beads and balls are bitches and
hoes with new piercings. However, internally threaded CBB's are probably far
less obstreperous than CBR's.
Septum retainers are not meant to be
flipped down and are infinitely more comfortable when worn up.
The
black-colored retainers really are invisible. You can stare up your nose and
everything.
I'm not sure how it would be to hit cartilage, but if care
is taken /not/ to hit it, it's quite bearable.
Don't touch, turn, or
play. Don't change the jewelry. Don't pick your nose. Don't pick other
people's noses (this is not considered socially acceptable behavior). Not only
will it hurt, but it will also increase the likelihood of infection and impede
healing. Wait until your nose has healed before picking it. Even better, blow
your nose, Einstein! What are you? Seven?
The bigger you smile, the more
it hurts.
When putting ladies' undergarments on your head, avoid
snapping the elastics on your sore nose.
Aftercare, /aftercare/,

AFTERCARE. Should I spell it for you?

I plan on leaving the retainer in
for a while. Katie and I are the only people to know about my newest
piercing, and I kinda like it that way. Even my roommate slept right through
it. I'll pull it down when the time is ripe, i.e. in a situation when I want
to intimidate scary men or attract beautiful girls by looking like a hot
bull-dike. Basically, whenever I go out dancing or drinking. Until then, it
will remain shrouded in mystery. So it goes.

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