Friday, July 28, 2006

Some zombies spent last weekend in the hoosegow here in Minneapolis. Apparently they were having a "zombie dance party" downtown, were detained by police, and then arrested and held. They also claim that police said that they were going to shoot them in the head. No shit, Sherlock. The Minneapolis police force is a well-trained one, and they know that when you see a zombie, you should shoot it in the head. That's called "our tax dollars at work."

The bad thing is that now we're going to have a class 3 or worse zombie epidemic on our hands. One can only assume that the zombies grew hungry while in lockup, and, most likely unsatisfied with the baloney sandwiches they were given, decided to snack on their fellow prisoners. Those prisoners will in turn become zombies, and when released on Monday, will lurch out into the twin cities in search of living flesh. Board up the windows and stock up on canned goods, people. This is going to be bad.

Friday, July 21, 2006

When neo-classical guitar god Yngwie Malmsteen was ready to uneash his album "Trilogy" upon the world in 1986, he called upon the finest colored pencil artist he knew (probably a relative), and this was the result: Yngwie warding off a three-headed, fire-breathing dragon with his guitar. He doesn't appear to actually be playing the guitar, which is strange, because anyone who has heard Yngwie fry the frets knows that he could indeed defeat a dragon in such a manner. No, instead Yngwie (pronounced Ing-vay) is simply holding the guitar aloft, which the artist would have us believe is enough to thwart Fafinir the Mighty Dragon of the Isles*. How fake is that?

*I decided to name the dragon

For those of you who are unfamilar with Mr. Malmsteen, he was some weirdo from Sweden or somewhere like that who played the guitar super-fast and suposedly mixed in "classical" elements. It was kind of a trend (albeit a sad one) in the mid 80's, aimed at the discerning metal head who had tired of simplistic, snarling riff-rock but still liked dragons. But perhaps the mysterious entity known as "Guitarimonicus" can put it best. Thus, here are some excerpts from his user review from amazon.com:

"Yngwie can be described as an amalgamation of metal, blues, and classical mixed together to present a heterogeneous style that is unique and appreciable."

"I just saw him live last weekend and can say that his finger speed in person is dazzling. Scalloped frets or not, he can play blindingly fast anywhere on the guitar, and the cleanliness of both his picking and fingering hands while he plays above the 12th fret is simply amazing."

"Any guitarist who bashes Yngwie as merely a shredder (a complete misnomer) needs to consider switching to a more suitable instrument, perhaps the lute."

Dang. I believe I was just insulted by a guy named "Guitarimonicus."

I should add that I actually saw this guy in concert in Milwaukee back in 1987. I was working at a record store at the time, and got free tickets from a label rep because a friend of mine loved this kind of shit. What's more, we had front row seats. I shit you not. At one point Yngwie pointed at my friend (who didn't sit down the entire time) and then launched into a hilariously fast, super-long solo. I think my friend shot his wad right then and there. The whole scene was strange and more than a little retarded (I was not into this kind of music at all), and the thing I remember the most was that the venue held about 1,500 people, and even though it was full, there was only about 6 women there.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

This is a black light poster from the 70's, and it's brilliant. It's like the Hulk grew a weird plant-like afro and beard, then smoked some weed out of human skull and then flipped you off. It's titled, elegantly enough, "Torga."

You can click on it to enlarge, then print out and hang it on your wall to piss off your old man. I imagine that's what the poster was scientifically engineered to do anyway.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I work in advertising, and I've always been pretty realistic about what that involves: selling shit. It's certainly creative, but it's primary purpose is to move money around the economy. That noted, I primarily view my role as creating something interesting that doesn't irritate or anger whoever sees /hears it. Hopefully I go beyond that and manage to amuse / entertain them. The large percentage of ads are crap (just like the large percentage of movies, music and TV is crap), so I try to work at places that endeavor to do better work. Keep in mind that without advertising, there would only be 13 different magazines printed, and they would cost $30 a piece. Your cable bill would be about $190 dollars a month for 7 channels, all of them begging for money constantly like PBS. It's intrusive and not perfect, but it helps spur the creaky cart of capitalism along. Plus, I get to be creative just about every day, work with interesting people and I don't have to follow a dress code.

But this is the kind of stuff that makes me want to run for the hills.

CBS is going to start putting ads on eggs. That right. Fucking eggs. Because research shows that half-awake / hungry people are the perfect demographic for "CSI:Miami." And they are calling it "egg-vertisng." Get it? Whooo! That's rich. Here are some of the other "egg-cellent" (to paraphrase Vincent Price as "Egghead" on the 60's "Batman" TV show) gems they've mined from the rich soil of wordplay:

“CSI” (“Crack the Case on CBS”)“The Amazing Race” (“Scramble to Win on CBS”)“Shark” (“Hard-Boiled Drama.”).Variations on the ad for its Monday night lineup of comedy shows:“Shelling Out Laughs”“Funny Side Up”“Leave the Yolks to Us.”

And yes, someone did get paid to write those.

George Schweitzer, president of the CBS marketing group, said he was hoping to generate some laughter in American kitchens. Ah. So that's the sound I've been hearing echo through my neighborhood every morning.

Next up in the ad que: getting bent over and gang-raped by a bunch of guys dressed like Abe Lincoln while they shout out what exciting programs are on The History Channel that week. It's a great way to reach the target audience in an unexpected way.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Actor / comedian Red Buttons has died at the ripe old age of 87, presumably from being 87. He was a vaudeville star at a young age, had his own TV series in the 50's, and starred in many films, including his memorable turn as "Pockets" in John Wayne's "Hatari!", one the greatest movies ever exposed onto celluloid.

He is not be confused with actor / comedian Red Skelton, who is also dead.

Nazi villain and Captain Amercia foil the Red Skull is presumed still alive, however. His whereabouts are unknown.

Here is a picture of comics legend Stan Lee giving "the finger" to a photographer. Johnny Cash has got nothing on Smilin' Stan. I notice there is a "Spider-man" poster in the background, which leads me to postulate the following: Stan was in attendance at the premiere of the "Spider-Man" movie, and thought it would be cool to make Spidey's web-slinging hand gesture (which is actually a palms-up version of the popular rock on / demonic hand gesture thingy) at the camera, but he forgot how to do it because he's old, and old people forget things. But I do think that the Members Only jacket really adds a nice air of menace to the proceedings.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

This character looks familiar for some reason...I can't place it, though. Hmmmm. Waita minute...I think I remember this guy now. He was from a short-lived science fiction program that was on TV in the late 60's. If memory serves, I think he is an alien from the planet Zulcan, home to a race of beings that tend to be highly emotional. I seem to remember that he also flies around on a starship and takes orders from a Captain Mirk while always finding himself in agreement with the jovial Dr. McCay. Oh, the adventures they had!

This is an action figure made in 1974 by a fly-by-night outfit named Lincoln International Toys. They mainly produced terrifically bad figures of classic monsters such as Frankenstein, Dracula, The Wolfman, et al...but for some reason decided to brazenly toss this one into the mix as well. And why not? Absolutely no copyright infringement going on here.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Lennie Weinrib, the voice of "H.R. Pufnstuff" has died at age 71. He was also the star of "Magic Mongo" (pictured above), a live-action Saturday morning show about a bungling, beach-combing genie (!) that was part of "The Kroft Supershow", as well as the voice of Scrappy-Doo and legions of other cartoon characters. Check his name at imdb.com and you'll be shocked at how many voices he did that you'd recognize, such as "Inch Eye Private Eye" and "Jabberjaw", a cartoon about a cowardly great white shark that talked like Curly from the Three Stooges and played drums in a rock band but didn't devour people.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I mean wench. Conan is totally going to bang this wench. Notice how the creators cleverly have Conan (sorry about the rampant alliteration) breaking the fourth wall and looking slyly at the reader? Who says comics are just for kids? Not I.

Former Enron CEO / shitheel Kenneth Lay has died of a massive cornonary at the age of 64. He was awaiting sentencing after being found guilty of conspiracy and fraud in the Enron trial in May. This proves the old adage that "you can't take it with you." And by "it"I mean the millions of dollars you enriched yourself with by selling falsely inflated company stock which competely obliterated the retirement plans of all the people who worked for you.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Remember "The Incredible Hulk" TV show from the late 70's? I think we can all agree that it was pretty weak. You'd get two meager hulk-outs an episode, and those usually just resulted in The Hulk throwing some goons 15 feet or picking up the rear end of their car. Then he'd run away. I guess that mournful piano theme they played at the end while Bill Bixby walked away was evocative enough, but the rest wasn't so hot. Nonetheless, I still watched it regularly. Whaddya want? I was 11 years old.

Anyway, here is a clip with the worst excuse for turning into The Hulk ever. Unless there's an episode where someone poor short order cook enrages Mr. Banner by forgetting to hold the onions as he requested.