The Twelve Lays of Christmas

“It’s an absolute disgrace that anyone should seek to pervert the traditions of Christmas this way, turning a joyful family celebration into a synonym for degrading filth,” declares backbench Tory MP and moral campaigner Lawrence Coxler, as he condemned the rumoured release on DVD of the legendary seasonal porn movie The Twelve Lays of Christmas, which features Santa enjoying a different erotic experience – all inspired by the popular Christmas song’s lyrics – on each of the twelve days of the festival. “I find it particularly sickening that this disgusting piece of smut seeks to despoil a classic Christmas song, traditionally sung by young children. Indeed, I fear that many parents might misread the DVD’s title and unwittingly purchase it as a gift for elderly relatives or, even worse, their own children!” Indeed, Coxler has spearheaded a public campaign to have the DVD banned or, at the very least, have its release postponed until after the festive period. However, there have been claims that the MP is stirring up a false controversy in the interests of self-publicity, with political opponents pointing out that no distributor has actually announced the film’s release on DVD. “There are very real doubts as to whether The Twelve Lays of Christmas actually exists,” says eminent adult film historian Lionel Bumstadler. “It was originally announced for release in 1981, but was abandoned following the tragic on-set death of its star, Vince ‘Spurt’ Reynolds. Nobody seems to know for sure what happened to the existing footage and the title has subsequently become the source of constant rumours.” These rumours even extend to the exact nature of Reynolds’ demise, with some sources claiming he died following a fall during the ‘Partridge in a Pear Tree’ sequence, during which he was required to have sex with a fat girl in a tree. Others claim he drowned during the ‘Seven Swans-a-Swimming’ episode, whilst enjoying a gang-bang in a swimming pool with seven girls wearing white feathers and orange flippers. “He actually suffered a fatal heart attack whilst being given a tit wank by a large breasted woman in the ‘Two Turtle Doves’ scenes,” Dan Jobbley, who worked on the film as a set decorator, revealed earlier this year in an interview with top adult film magazine Furtive Films Monthly. “It was quite spectacular – he was just reaching the vinegar stroke when he had a seizure, one hand clutching his chest, the other his old man. His face went the same shade of purple as his bell-end. But I’ll tell you one thing, he was a real pro right up to the end and lived up to his nickname, managing one last ejaculation with his dying gasp!”

According to Jobbley, the star’s death bankrupted the production. “It turned out that the producer hadn’t been able to insure Vince for the film – he was over sixty when we started shooting and it was very strenuous role, so no insurer would touch him,” he told the magazine. “Of course, Vince’s family sued and the financiers pulled out. The stuff we’d shot was seized by the producer’s creditors, in the hope that they could somehow cobble it together and recover some of their money that way.” Hampered by the lack of a complete shooting script and leading man, the creditors were unable to complete the film, and it vanished completely from public view. However, in the Furtive Films interview, Jobbley revealed that the film’s now retired and highly reclusive producer/director, Jack Hornington, had recently sold the rights to the project to producer Tom Tonk, with a view to mounting a remake. Tonk subsequently told the Daily Tits that, in addition to securing the remake rights, he had also obtained the now legendary original footage from Hornington’s creditors. “I originally hoped to use digital technology to complete the film, rather like they did with The Crow after Brandon Lee died – as a tribute to the great ‘Spurt’ Reynolds, of course,” he told the tabloid. “But when I screened the surviving rushes, I found that they’d only filmed eight of the twelve ‘lays’ and none of the linking story. I realised then I’d have to shoot so much stuff from scratch, I’d be better off just doing a remake.” With no complete script in existence, the original script writers dead and Jack Hornington’s memory addled by forty years of watching smut, Tonk was forced to devise the four missing ‘lays’ himself. “The ‘Twelve Drummers Drumming’ was obvious – Santa gets to spank the arses of a dozen fit birds, and ‘ElevenPipers Piping’ was clearly the old man getting multiple blow jobs from eleven horny girls,” he explained. “But what about the ‘Five Gold Rings’? I was thinking along the lines of golden handcuffs and a bondage session, but Jack reckons the original had something to do with cock rings. Even worse are the ‘Ten Lords-a-Leaping’ – is that some kind of gay angle? Does Santa swing both ways?”

Although the shoot on the new Twelve Lays of Christmas – featuring new star Johnny ‘Spank’ Marvin and co-starring Gloria Stitz and Norma Snockers – reportedly wrapped during the Summer, the lack of any release date, coupled with rumours of budgetary difficulties, have lead many industry insiders to speculate that it has suffered the same fate as its predecessor. However, in response to Lawrence Coxler’s campaign against the film, Tonk has issued a statement to the press confirming that the film does indeed exist and is currently seeking a distributor. “Look, there’s no way that we’re out to cheapen Christmas and ruin it for families,” he claimed in the statement. “We’re actually providing a service for those people who want to get a bit horny in the season of goodwill. The kind of stuff they put on TV at Christmas just isn’t conducive to getting ‘in the mood’. Have you ever tried knocking one out to Wallace and Grommit, or getting a stalk on to Scrooge?” He also acknowledged that the production had encountered some problems, which had delayed its release. “It’s true that we had some monetary problems, which forced us to re-use some of the old footage, meaning that ‘Spurt’ Reynolds still appears in some long shots, but we now have all twelve lays on film,” he explained. “Unfortunately, these budgetary difficulties mean that we have been left with virtually no money for publicity purposes. In fact, this recent controversy over the film’s release has been a godsend, providing us with tons of invaluable free publicity.” Indeed, in a surprising twist, an investigation by the Sunday Bystander newspaper has revealed that the film’s main backer is a company which includes Lawrence Coxler on its board of directors, leading to allegations that his moral campaign is in fact a cynical and desperate attempt to ensure the film sells sufficient DVDs for his firm to recoup its investment.

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Publisher, Executive Editor and Chief Writer of The Sleaze, the Doc is in the forefront of the campaign to preserve historic 1970s moustaches, and is currently the owner of a fine 1970 Alain Delon, which he wears with pride every Thursday. Before founding The Sleaze, the Doc had the singular honour of being dismissed from the Ministry of Defence's Defence Intelligence Staff following his involvement with the original 'dodgy dossier', which sparked the civil war in the former Yugoslavia. Nevertheless, he stands by his controversial assessment that there is satellite imagery clearly showing Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic enjoying a three-in-a-bed romp with Princess Margaret and Richard Branson. Following his dismissal, the Doc crossed the Atlantic to enter the film industry, where he quickly became Tawny Kitaen's pubic hair stylist. The proud possessor of the world's largest collection of pornography discovered in hedgerows, the Doc is considered one of Britain's leading experts on smut, and acted as an advisor to the BBC 4 series A Pornographic History of Britain. Now in his early middle years, Doc Sleaze lives quietly in Southern England where he is sometimes allowed to teach Government and Politics to local A-level students. He can be reached through the site's main e-mail address - just don't expect a reply.