Sunday, December 12, 2010

Journey Through Life

As I said in my previous post, I'm thankful for so many things that I have. I try really hard not to take them for granted because they could be gone in an instant.

I came out as gay later in life. I had some gay friends, but none whom I confided in about my feelings, or from whom I sought advice. I was 30 when I finally came out to my family. Before telling them, I had some encounters, but I never allowed myself to explore a relationship because I wasn't ready to admit it to myself. In a way, I think I did myself a favor by doing so. I'm sure I wasn't ready to be out, to explore relationships, or to consider the definition of "safe sex." By not having it at all, I was "safe." By the time I started being with men, I knew better and took proper precautions. When I did come out, I felt liberated, but by that time the landscape had changed and one could not help to know all of the precautions that needed to be taken. So there's the silver lining.

However, the cloud that had formed is the fact that I hadn't been in a relationship. I hadn't even dated. My first relationship was when I was 32 years old. It lasted just shy of a year. It ended amicably, we're still friendly to one another when we see each other on the street.

I can't tell you the countless dates I've been on that have been disasters. Each one reminds me that the dating pool is very shallow, both figuratively and literally. Sure, I'm far from perfect but I bring great qualities to the table. Finding someone who complements me and also contrasts me is a daunting task. I think doing this later in life adds another dimension to the equation. People become set in their ways, I know I have.

The ones who would have been a good catch ended up with other people. One who got away is someone with whom I clicked the minute we met. In the beginning our communication was very sweet and flirtatious. Yet I didn't really know how to ask him on a date. By this time I had formed a friendship with Dan, my best friend, and he got tired of watching me go back and forth with the guy and just blurted out "would you two just go out on a date already?" There was nothing left to do but ask if he would. Unfortunately, he said that he had just started dating someone. I was crushed. For the record, he and I are friends, and he's still with that same guy.

Meanwhile, I've watched as my friends have played the dating game and won. I've been the friend and confidant for many, I've even been to a few weddings. It's all very exciting for them, but selfishly I've thought "when is my turn?"

A couple years ago, I was in a short but rather unpleasant "relationship," except I didn't think it was unpleasant. I was just happy to be with someone. When he ended it, I felt betrayed and blindsided, but the truth is, he did me a favor. However, I walked away with a lot of emotional scarring. I doubted myself for a long time and trusted nobody outside of my inner circle.

All that changed recentely. Anthony came along and has been wonderful. He's been reassuring and kind, and a joy to be around.

Unfortunately, it seems all that is about to change. For reasons I won't disclose at this time, it would appear that our relationship will need to end. When it does, it will be amicable, but that doesn't make it any less heartbreaking. This morning we discussed the situation and decided we would remain together until the last day. Apologies for being cryptic, I will divulge further information, as appropriate, later.

I spent a good part of the afternoon visiting with Dan and Luis. Immediately Dan insisted I come over for a while. It was nice to spend time with them, talk a bit. I felt like my head was in a fog. When I got home, I sat down and the tears started. I've been crying on and off all afternoon.

This evening, my dear friend Steve called and insisted I hang with him this evening, he enticed me with fresh baked cookies and wine. While I've lacked an appetite all day, the idea of spending an evening with someone as opposed to crying in my bedroom sounded nice. As always, he was both comforting and reassuring.

Just to make things abundantly clear, to all who read this, including Anthony, there is no anger in any of this. I understand the situation and I am 100 percent supportive of it. All things happen for a reason. Right now, that reason is just not clear to me.

I find myself wondering why I'm on this journey. I've never been lucky in love. (I guess that's a relative term, considering that two out of the 3 guys I've dated are wonderful people) However, I've never been in a relationship where I've been told "I love you." Without exception, I'm always the first to say it. There's a line in a song by a band I know that says "Someone always loves a little more, and I think it's me." Don't get me wrong, I've felt loved. Some people just express it differently.

I wonder if I'll ever meet the one who will look at me and know I'm the one for him. I wonder if I've already met him but for whatever reason, we just haven't reached that part of the journey.

I keep asking myself why do these things happen to me? Did my past actions create some sort of Karmic debt that I'm now paying back? Am I some cosmic lab experiment, being studied by a higher power to see how far I can be pushed before I break? Like I said earlier, I believe things happen for a reason, and so many great things have happened as a result of meeting and knowing Anthony

Ultimately, if he's not the one, I just want to meet someone who is happy and mature, secure, grounded and fun. Perhaps his clone.

First, why me? You know my recent history, so you'll know I asked that question but for different reasons. The only answer that came to me when asking that question was this, "There is only one way to create you."

Second, on love. I've failed or been unlucky in Love as well. My last bf betrayed my trust and I've never really recovered. The only answer that makes sense to me is that in this life I have something to learn and a relationship/love would hinder spiritual progress (however you wish to define spiritual).