How to F*$& on Your Furniture Without Injury, Embarrassment, Trip to IKEA

A British cellphone recycling company did a little customer survey the other day (still trying to figure out why) to find out what kinds of injuries (physical ones...emotional injuries are too hard to count) have been caused by particularly strong bursts of sexual activity.

The most common side effect of fantastic out-of-control fornication was a pulled muscle. Back ailments, road rash, neck cricks and bruises on extremities followed suit. Much of the post-sex injuries happened as a result of where the bouts of passion took place. Apparently the couch is the most dangerous, yet most popular, non-bedroom place to make whoopee and then later ice your joints.

And of course the stairs are the second most dangerous place to fuck, which makes sense if you find yourself slowly rolling down them while still joined in coitus. So many bone(r)s to break in that scenario.

This study doesn't even touch on the hazards of copulating outdoors. Here are some tips for fucking in the forest (and other public domains) in case you're planning a picnic this week.

You might recall a particularly unique sexcapade that took place in the Hollywood Hills home of a famous guy who's less famous now but always will be well known for being an uber-douche. (In reality he's actually a pretty cool dude, but it's less fun to call him that when you're reporting for Star and People.)

The famous guy's crony and I had sex on almost every surface listed in the above-mentioned survey and miraculously left the house four hours later completely unscathed. I even checked myself over the next day just in case I didn't notice the burning/throbbing/scratching sensations at the time of ravagement.

So I thought I'd share tips to avoid injury while fucking on the following commonly used alternative beds:

Kitchen Table: It all depends on what it's made of. Wood tables can range on any level of flimsy and sturdy, and chances are if it was put together using little pegs and instructions featuring little drawings, you might as well just hump on the floor. You'll avoid splinters and another trip to IKEA.

But tables owned by rich people or inherited from elders are great solid surfaces on which to fuck. If the surface is tiled, the added bonus of temperature play escalates the hotness level and works as a great way to cool off in the heat of the moment without having to press pause and reach for a towel.

But your best bet is, no matter what the table's made of, to put down a table cloth. Sure, it makes it a little tiny bit more sanitary, but it also prevents any possibility of the morning's toast crumbs or evening's coffee grounds from entering erogenous zones that should be left food-free.

Stairs: Now unless you're so overcome with passion (which happens, sure) that you start mauling each other halfway up the stairs, it's pretty easy not to injure yourself here. Use common sense.

Steps tend to be shallow without much surface area on which to prop a butt cheek or knee, and if you're several flights up there's always the chance of losing balance and plummeting.

The ideal position is doggy style, as she can stabilize herself using all four limbs while he counterbalances by leaning on a railing or even staggering his stance. (Staggering also will let him get that much deeper in there, which ya know...is always nice.)

He also can have a seat on one of the steps - preferably the bottom one, so there's nowhere far for her to fall - so she can easily take a seat on top of his member. All he has to do is hold on and grab her in case the orgasm gets in the way of her equilibrium.

Toilet: This one's pretty simple because, at the end of the day, it's just a porcelain chair.

There's always caution to be had if the seat is up, of course, and you don't notice before you go at it. And sometimes the ring part of the seat can be a little loose and wobble as you wiggle around, but for the most part all he's gotta do is sit still and let her ride around. Just keep the seat down.

Bathroom Sink: I'm a fan. Whether it's a pedestal sink or a 70s-style counter unit common in North Hollywood beige-carpet apartments, it's a great piece of functional furniture that she can easily bend over for a nice from-behind rail session.

I suppose use caution when leaning into the faucet, and don't let him ram too hard else her forehead will bounce right into the medicine cabinet and/or shelves, and then there's a whole other mess to clean up.

Couch: I dunno, man. I don't understand where the injuries come from. I use my couch for sex so often, there's a spot on the third cushion that all my guests understand is the no-sit zone. It's basically molded in the shape of a man's ass.

Just clear off any books, forks, knitting needles and other pointy objects before the first article of clothing is pushed aside and you should be clear for takeoff.

Shower: Treacherous. Make sure the tub is dry and do NOT pull on any curtains or rails for balance and leverage. They will fall out of the wall/ceiling and then so will you.

Also, bathtubs are hard surfaces capable of knocking out teeth and causing concussions. Don't ask me how I know that. Just stare in awe of my flawless smile.

Against Glass: This wasn't in the survey but I wanted to include it because, a) After having been railed up against a plate glass window, which took the sensation up several notches of awesome, I must spread the gospel to my fellow fornicators; and b) I can't stop thinking about it after receiving a text message from the young man who used to plague my inbox with boner photos.

Uh oh, it's on.

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Yep, naughty. And freezing cold up against my nipples and totally titillating knowing the entire Sunset Strip and anyone leaving Crazy Girls could easily see me smashed up against the window with a golden back light courtesy of the homeowner's tasteful recessed lighting. Oh - that and the guy pressing my arms up against the glass pane.

I don't really have any tips for fucking against a window other than use discretion if you're in a well-lit area and/or your neighbors are super-friendly and likely to walk by frequently. (No point in making it awkward.)

And if you're on the top floor of a high-rise that hasn't been renovated since before the Kennedy administration, you might want to opt for the kitchen table or even, GASP!, the bedroom. You'll be less likely to break something and/or embarrass yourself.

Because the image of your naked body smooshed against the glass will be forever burned into your elderly neighbor's mind, and you don't want to risk being his fap fodder for the next year -- or until one of the other tenants makes the same mistake you did.