If this is your first visit, be sure to
check out the FAQ by clicking the
link above. You may have to register
before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages,
select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

First up, a man in a named Harold suit calls for Percy – when he enters the office Percy Timid (Bob Hunter) is told business is bad and they’re going to have to shut down the plant… unless they can figure out how to take down the competition… one Rupert Stags. Percy isn’t sure what to do, but is told by his boss to come up with something good, something beneficial. Percy lets slide that he came up with a solution that is a powerful aphrodisiac and screw anyone or anything it can. Percy came up with this while trying to develop a synthetic solution for scotch, so this was a happy accident. Percy knows it works because he took it and after he woke up, was accused of statutory rape! Goofy music plays over this scene, it’s… something. At any rate, Harold instructs Percy to come up with a big batch of the stuff and to lace Rupert’s coffeemaker with it and so the two of them break into his office that night and do just that.

The next morning, Rupert shows up at work and tells the foxy ladies in his employ that they’re in financial trouble and that it’s up to them to try to increase the size of their cosmetics orders. If it doesn’t happen, they’ll have to shut down. He suggests the girls all take a coffee break to think it over, and so they do. The first to do so is buxom blonde Ann (Ms. Jordan), and when she does we hear a bomb drop on the soundtrack. She smiles into the camera, the music gets a little funky and she strips! When a buyer shows up, she decides to ‘take care of him in more ways than one’ and soon enough, the other two girls – a redhead and a brunette - follow suit.

Ann gets it on with Mr. Green, who agrees right away to order a whole lot more than the few bottles of body cream that he originally came in for while Ann’s two co-workers have a little lesbian bump and grind session in the back room before then ganging up on the lucky janitor who just so happens to walk in at just the right time. Ann even attacks Mr. Stags once Mr. Green has left the building – but he doesn’t go for it. Eventually he drinks some coffee, as does his secretary, and they go at it for a bit. Eventually there’s a big ol’ office orgy, and by this point it’s obvious that Harold and Percy’s plan isn’t working. The male customers can’t get enough of Stag’s perpetually horny female employees and his sales wind up going through the roof… but of course, eventually the serum will wear off.

Fifty-six minutes of softcore nonsense, this was shot by the world’s most uninspired cameraman. Everything is one static shot, they just seem to have put the camera on the tripod, let it roll and then forgotten about it. As such, there’s nothing special about the look of the movie at all, it was clearly made fast and made cheap.

As to the talent on display, Ms. Jordan is the only one here who really stands out for the right reasons. She’s spry and enthusiastic and charming and wonderfully curvy. She looks great here and seems to be having fun with her part. The woman who plays Stags’ secretary has remarkably huge areola and stands out for that reason alone. The rest of the cast? They sort of stumble about and do their thing. The guy who plays Harold is amazingly terrible and trips over his lines more often than not.

It’s amusing enough in how dopey it all is, but Everyone Goes Ape is pretty far from an unsung classic of seventies erotic cinema. There are no real credits here, but in the opening scene something is written on a woman’s ass. It’s a shame that the quality of the picture is so poor that the text is illegible. But at least it ends on a positive note – love really does make the world go round. Whatever source was used for this cuts off very abruptly.

2069: A Sensation Odyssey:

The second feature opens in 2319 A.D., where a voice of screen chastises a man named 3X-47 sitting alone in a darkened room for his various criminal acts – he’s been in front of this court seventeen times for violence and cruelty! He lives in an era where criminal activity has been done away with, but in order to see the error of his ways he’s given a ring that allows him to travel back in time to a rougher, tougher time. This ring also gives him the power to speed time up whenever he decides he needs to. It’s kind of a weird punishment, but whatever – the court decide he is unfit to exist in this society, and they just want him gone – the final decree! Once he has seen all the violence and cruelty of the past he’ll return to his own time and be judged anew.

Now with the ability to time travel, he is given twentieth century clothing and stops first in 2069 – the year that violence and crime where done away with for good - where he lands directly in the room of a foxy big breasted lady who couldn’t be happier to see him. They immediately get it on and afterwards, she winds up with the ring he was warned not to lose. She uses it to travel to 1863, just before the Battle Of Gettysburg was to start, clad in stockings and not much more. The Union Captain Strong (Harvey Shain) she appears in front of is quite confused by her presence, as is she. Of course, they have sex, and then he winds up with the ring and winds up travelling to Russia where ‘Czaress Natasha’ (Marsha Jordan – credited as Marsha Kopete - doing a pretty funny accent and looking quite good) decides he’s been sent here for one purpose only – to satisfy her! Not so surprisingly, they have sex, but she does NOT wind up with the ring and he’s transported to a dungeon inhabited by a lone female slave (Sharon Matt). They have sex pretty much immediately, after which she gets the ring and transports herself to what may or may not be ancient Rome where she meets a girl purchased for her recently at the market. They get naked and enjoy some quality girl on girl time (the longest and most effective sex scene in the movie!), after which the Roman girl gets the ring and is transported to the era of Genghis Khan where she winds up in prison with a mustachioed man sentenced to die in the morning. She sees this as an invitation for some fucking, and given that he’s got nothing to live for, he seems pretty into the idea. They go at it and then he gets the ring which takes him to Neanderthal times where he meets a sexy cavewoman who basically rapes him – though he’s into it, at least until a caveman shows up. We won’t spoil the ending, but it’s amusing enough.

This fifty-four-minute black and white cheapie is actually really cool. Yeah, it sticks to a simple formula but the time travel element lets the director Sam Kopetzky get a little creative. Not sure if this was actually shot in black and white or if for some reason there were black and white prints made from color elements (the first half of the movie looks a bit different than the last half) but the cinematography is actually quite good here and the freewheelin’, beeboppin’ soundtrack is absolutely great, if a slight bit repetitive. The women are all quite attractive and there’s a good sense of humor to all of this that makes it quite enjoyable and fun to watch.

Sticky Fingers:

A hardcore version of Dr. Carstairs 1869 Love-Root Elixer, was directed by Henning Schellerup (as Hans Christian) and clocks in at seventy-seven minutes in length. When it begins, a girl named Jenny (Susan Gaines) is drinking and fondling herself in the back of a wagon being driven by her father, Dr. Ben Carstairs (William Guhl as Bill Carstairs). They stop the wagon when they come across a trio of guys doing some surveying work on the side of the road. Here Dr. Ben tries to sell his elixir to the men, offering them a free taste test. They try it, and then they see Jenny who fetches some water while her father sets up a bathtub! Each man gives him a dollar and they get a bottle of serum guaranteed to restore their manliness and vigor! After each of the three swigs back their bottle, Jenny returns with two buckets of water and then heads back to the wagon while the three men disrobe and bathe. Of course, we already know Jenny’s libido is a strong one, so it’s no surprise that she watches the men get naked. As they’re in the tub, the good doctor goes through their pockets and takes the rest of their cash. One of the men, who went to get more water, Jenny in the wagon playing with herself and rubs one out for himself.

The Carstairs hit the road again and encounter a friend named Randy (Jay Scott) along the way. They stop and give him a ride, Jenny asleep in the back of the wagon. He tells Ben that the town they’re heading towards is more or less a ghost town, not much left but Mr. Garrett’s saloon. When Ben realizes Randy is tired he tells him to go ahead and have a nap in the back – Jenny is sound asleep, so it won’t hurt anything. And so he does, but of course, Jenny wakes up and, sure enough, they have a few swigs from her jug and go at it.

Eventually Carstairs wagon makes it to town and they hit up the saloon and meet Mr. Garrett (Tony Vorno, credited as Bob Wray) and one of his lady friends Miss Molly (Marsha Jordan, credited as Marge Wilson), who really only seems to want to get laid. They’re none too happy that Carstairs is back – they figure he must know about the mine that they’ve been keeping a secret. And they might be onto something – Ben and Randy talk, wondering why Garrett and Molly have stuck around when so many others have left. Shortly after, Miss Molly has some rad lesbian sex with a dancer named Zeze (Kathy Hilton), while Carstairs talks about how he wants to head up into the hills and check out the old mine he used to own, the one that never panned out.

But things get complicated when three of the miners in Garrett’s employ decide they’ve had enough of their doing all the work and his getting all the money. After they stop in for a visit with Zeze, who runs off to have a three-way with Garrett and Molly, they decide to do something about it. Meanwhile, Ben and Randy realize what Garrett’s been up to all this time and figure they’ll try to set things right on their own – but not before Jenny gets acquainted with lesbian sex predator Molly, much to Randy’s eventual delight. Before it’s all over the miners have abducted and raped poor Jenny (who doesn’t seem to mind at all) and had their way with Molly and Zeze too!

“If you had a gun, you’d shoot your cock off trying to draw it!”

A pretty decent XXX western, this one has a good sense of humor behind it and is one of those rare adult films where the sex fits in with the plot, rather than bringing it to a screeching halt. It’s well shot and quite funny, but there’s enough of a story here that the picture holds our interest even when the cast members aren’t going at it like a pack of rabbits in springtime. Marsha Jordan does tend to steal most of the scenes that she’s in, her character is wanton and playful, sexy and amusing all at the same time. She gets the best lines in the film and she looks great here. Not to be outdone, Susan Gaines (who appears to be a one hit wonder) is in fine form too. Her Jenny is pretty much a nymphomaniac and as such, she gets quite a bit of screen time here. Pretty Kathy Hilton – who showed up in The Erotic Adventures Of Zorro, The Goddaugther and Sex And The Single Vampire to name only a few – is also more than watchable as Molly’s partner in crime. William Guhl, Jay Scott and Tony Vorno all play things pretty straight, with Scott the only one of the three male leads who really gets in on the action.

Video/Audio/Extras:

All three films on the Marsha Jordan Triple Feature DVD are presented in their original 1.33.1 fullframe aspect ratios. Everyone Goes Ape looks like it is sourced from a tape that was in turn sourced from a beat to shit print. Half the time it’s green and there are massive scratches and instances of print damage from start to finish. It does appear that this is the only version available, however, so we let it slide for that reason. The black and white source for 2069 was obviously in much better shape. There’s still print damage evident throughout but a lot less of it – this is more than watchable. The third film also looks okay. Soft, but more than watchable with good colors and only minor print damage. The image is quite stable and detail is okay.

The only audio option for the three feature attractions are English language Dolby Digital Mono tracks. There’s hiss throughout and some jumps and spikes in the balance of the levels but for the most part the dialogue comes through okay. Again, the first feature is in rougher shape than the other two pictures, which sound quite a bit better and have less audible problems with hiss or distortion. No alternate language options or subtitles are provided.

As far as extras go, the disc also includes Marsha Jordan’s scenes from the ‘never released on video’ feature The House Near The Prado, an exploitation picture from 1969 that also stars Charles Napier. There’s five minutes of footage here and without any context to really know what’s going on? Well Jordan is in bed with another naked lady, a grouchy guy talks to them then a dude in a military uniform shows up. The girls, alone now, have passionate lesbian sex, and then the girls are tied up and whipped and Jordan is further tortured. It would have been nice to have the entire movie included here, the scenes don’t make any sense as presented but what’s here looks interesting! It also seems like whatever elements used were in reasonably okay shape.

An Alpha Blue Archives Retro Starlets trailer is also included and the disc features static menus and feature selection.

The Final Word:

Alpha Blue Archives’ Marsha Jordan Triple Feature presents some genuinely rare material featuring the curvaceous blonde in three different roles. Fans of Ms. Jordan’s considerable body of work should appreciate this. The first feature looks rough but the other two are in much better shape and the bonus footage from The House Near The Prado is interesting to see (even if it would have been much more satisfying had ABA included the feature itself, rather than just clips).