Edinburgh University Divests from Fossil Fuels to Focus on Arms

Following the University of Edinburgh’s announcement that it will divest all investment from fossil fuels, the university has announced that it plans to move all of its investment from the fossil fuels industry into weapons manufacturing.

This move was announced by the University of Edinburgh’s Press Office who sent out an official press release to all student media organisations. However, The Student was not included in this press release as the University claimed that it would not engage with organisations that promote ‘Fake News’.

According to the press release: “As part of the proof of the University’s willingness to cooperate with student demands, we have now divested all money from fossil fuels and are now investing in weapons. As part of the student-university, we plan to share the profit from arms manufacturing to EUSA, who will be allowed to appoint their own representative to the UK Weapons Manufacturing Board.

Speaking to Flipside, EUSA’s designated representative to the Board, Sarah Brown, said, “We couldn’t be happier at the decision. EUSA is going to receive millions of pounds worth of funding from the weapons that the UK exports and it doesn’t hurt the environment as much as fossil fuels. Don’t worry, none of the stuff sold in the UK is lethal, it’s just bean bag guns used to quell student and lecturer protests. Apparently the makers trialled it a few years ago in Hong Kong and can’t wait to try it out in Bristo Square. Thanks People & Planet!”

Flipside attempted to approach EUSA Vice-President Community Ollie Glick for comment, but he threw a bucket of vegan chilli at our reporter and ran away into the night, screaming obscenities about farmer’s markets.