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The the start of the second round of matches I’ll be trying to review the acts I present in the form of haiku (as my writing style has not improved! and with very sincere apologies to Andy Synn at No Clean Singing for ripping off his idea and doing a piss poor job of it!)

Day four and already there’s been tears, fights, bloodied faces and threats of expulsion, oh and England fans showing the Democrats in Nevada, USA what real chair throwing looks like! What a wonderful spectacle this is! Onwards, ever onwards….

GAME EIGHT: SPAIN vs CZECH REPUBLIC

CRYSTAL MOORS vs QUERCUS

Crystal Moors are a pagan/celtic black metal act from Santander and manage to balance the folk elements with the metal elements without either overpowering each other and allowing for some great songs to emerge, leaving the listener very happy indeed.

Quercus are a new band to me, playing funeral doom metal with some avant-garde touches. Their latest album, Heart With Bread, opens with a 22-minute track and ends with a cover of Robert Burns’ ‘My Heart Is In The Highlands’. The whole album is superb; lots of prog-ish moments; think Vincent Crane-meets Peter Gabriel-era Genesis but way slower. Oh, the metal is there most definitely: the riffs are huge, the atmosphere is doom-laden and the organ is the most prevalent instrument throughout.

PREDICTION: Current holders Spain kick off their defence of the trophy with a tough match against a talented Czech Republic side, who won in 1976 (as Czechoslovakia) and reached the quarter-finals in 2012. It’ll be a good game and ultimately a draw 1-1.

Musically, although Crystal Moors are a great folk/metal band and a cut above most acts in the genre, Quercus win this one simply because their album is one of the best I’ve heard all year. Still going to check out Crystal Moors at a later date.

GAME NINE: REP OF IRELAND vs SWEDEN

LADY MAGGOT vs HEAD OF THE DEMON

Lady Maggot (such a nice name) are a gothic/progressive death metal duo based in Dublin, Ireland but hailing originally from Poland. This is the kind of European union I can get behind. If you’re missing new material from Madder Mortem (six years since the last album) then you could do a lot worse than give Lady Maggot some time.

Head of the Demon mix doom and black metal motifs with nods to occult rock acts like Jess and the Ancient Ones mixed with Mortuary Drape with Tom G. Warrior-esque vocals to produce a pretty damn fine listening experience. More occult rock/metal than metal but still great all the same.

2016 is shaping up to be a stellar year for metal and Italy’s Messa are continuing that trend of excellent debut albums. Bluesy occult doom (with touches of ambient and drone) with enchanting female vocals that will have you cavorting naked in the woods on the next full moon.

PREDICTION: For some reason, I believe this will be the game of the tournament so far. I know, it doesn’t have too much competition but both teams have pedigree and this is one of the best Belgium sides since the 80’s. If the Belgiums score first then it will force the Azzurri to come out and play (to quote Dee Snider). However, the longer it goes scoreless, the more chance Italy will sneak a goal and snuff out the game. Errmmmmmm………3-2 Belgium (he types optimistically)

Musically, Messa take this one with their blend of occult doom rock/metal. See you on the next full moon (clothing optional)

Yasru are a two piece from Istanbul and play folk metal with some doom touches. Sung in Turkish with ethnic instruments used in some of the songs, Yasru are more rock than metal (to my ears) but still have some catchy tunes and great melodies to satisfy most folk-metalheads.

Hailing from Reijka, Asheraah are a five-piece that play some lovely instrumental post-metal/post-rock. Gorgeous melodies, soaring guitar solos and pretty sweet riffs all add up to one beautiful slab of post-metal/rock goodness.

PREDICTION: Turkey and Croatia have met previously in Euro tournaments, most notably in 2008 when a Semih Senturk equaliser in added time in extra time broke Croatian hearts and helped the Turks beat them on penalties. Croatia will be out to settle the score and I think they will sneak a hard fought 2-1 win.

Musically, both bands are quite different but they are both really good too. Based on riffs and melodies, I have to give this to Asheraah.

GAME SIX: POLAND vs NORTHERN IRELAND

WARBELL vs ABBOTOIR

According to the genre list on Metal-Archives, Poland has a love affair with both black metal and death metal but melodic death metal is not far behind and Warbell are a great example of Polish death metal. Great riffs, sweet melodic solos and tasty vocals make for a damn fine listen.

Funeral doom merchants Abbotoir play long, looong songs (check out their catalogue-not one song under 18 mins!) full of bleak, desolate riffs, haunted vocals and a feeling of futility….perfect Sunday afternoon listening! A band to listen to with all the sharp implements safely tucked away!

PREDICTION: Poland are old hands at tournament football but this is Northern Ireland’s first foray into the Euros, and after finishing top of their group the Northern Irish will feel pretty confident of securing a victory. The Poles will have something to say about that and I’ve a feeling this will end in a draw. 2-2.

Musically I have to give this to Abbotoir. Funeral doom with despair and futility in the driver’s seat!

GAME SEVEN: GERMANY vs UKRAINE

MANTAR vs KRODA

Mantar are a sludgy metal duo that throws in black metal, thrash and whatever else they feel like to produce an aggressive mix of powerful songs full of catchy, sludgy riffs.

Kroda, a pagan folk black metal act, have been around since 2004 and have 7 full-length albums to their name. Black metal riffs, the use of keyboards and flutes and the usual ‘heathen-antiChristianity,-nature’ lyrics should add up to the same-old-same-old, but Kroda mix all these up and produce something that is familiar but refreshing at the same time. Epic without being cheesy, a cut above most pagan/folk BM acts out there.

PREDICTION: Currently World champions Germany will be looking to carry on were they left off in Brazil two years ago. One of the tournament favourites and it’s hard to see them lose to a good, but not spectacular Ukrainian side. 2-0 Germany.

Musically, Kroda take the win just based on back catalogue alone and the variety of their compositions.

Wellity, wellity, well! Look who’s back! Didja miss me? Waddya mean, “No!”. Well, never I have been so insulted in my life!…………………………Except that one time when I was at the International Insult Tournament in the beautiful village of Twatt, Shetland Islands; where I was called a “dobba”, a “mongoloid shoe-fucker” and a “rectum-faced-bucket-of-sex-sauce”. And that was just in the car park!

Anyhoo, another international sporting tournament is underway and I’m shoe-horning my (lack of) sporting knowledge and metal musical discoveries together for yet another highly unpopular edition of ‘Sporting Tournament of Metal’! So come one, come all for a tournament where ethnic unpleasantness, religious bigotry, terrorism and all round, outright thuggery and hatred will appear at stadiums all over La Belle France and the cafes and bars of the nearby towns. Oh, and some football may be on offer too.

Euro 2016 explained in one handy David Squires cartoon!

GAME 1: FRANCE vs ROMANIA

MOURNING DAWN vs VOID FORGER

With a name like Mourning Dawn, you’d expect the band to play some kind of depressive, doom metal, throw in some black metal riffs and howls and you’d be correct. Hefty riffs and great guitar solos and meaty songs keep the listener enthralled. Add the despairing, howling vocals of Laurent, and Mourning Dawn have the depth and range to become a pretty big thing.

Opening game of the tournament and I really can’t see past the French winning this. Expectations will be high and they’ll probably scrape by with a single goal, but it’ll be good enough for all three points and will leave the French favourites to win their group. Second place will be fought out between Romania and Switzerland leaving Albania the wooden spoonists of Group A. (watch as this prediction will blow up in my face!)

Day two of the quarter finals and after wins by New Zealand and South Africa yesterday (and only one was my pick and even then they won by more than six points!), it’s up to Ireland and Scotland to keep the Northern Hemisphere flag flying into the semi-finals. Can they do it? Read on my friends………

QUARTER FINAL 3: IRELAND vs ARGENTINA

KRAWWL vs PSICOsFERA

Featuring a couple of guys who’ve played with Altar of Plagues, Krawwl are an avant-garde black metal act that are great for clearing your head after a hangover or scaring the pets. Of the two songs available on bandcamp the second track ‘And Oceans’is the standout for me: all doomy-riffs and mixing harsh screaming with Pete Steele-esque deep vocals.

Psicosfera are a n instrumental atmospheric black/doom metal act with some slight prog moment in their riffs and songs. Whilst the songs are really good and the riffs are meaty and catchy, I do miss some form of vocals in the songs but I suppose you can always make you own up as the song goes along!

PREDICTION: i’m going for the Irish in this game as I feel the Six Nations champions will havwe a little too much for Argentina but it will be a close game, maybe 3 points in it.

Musically I’m going for Krawwl, even though they have just 2 songs available, the lack of vocals on Psicosfera’s album cost them the win.

QUARTER FINAL 4: AUSTRALIA vs SCOTLAND

UR DRAUGR vs RAMAGE INC.

Combining doom, death, black and progressive sludge elements to their music, Australia’s Ur Draugr are a fantastic new band playing some excellent metal. Similar to Cormorant, Ur Draugr are not afraid to be pigeon-holed and willingly use different influences in their music if it will enhance the song, and it usually works to great affect.

Ramage Inc (great name btw) are an Edinburgh based band who play progressive metal similar in style to Devin Townsend, and their 2015 album ‘Earth Shaker’ is a fantastic slab of quality metal. Thunderous riffs, powerful vocals (courtesy of Ramage himself) and tasty solos make Ramage Inc. another quality metal act from Bonny Scotland.

PREDICTION: Scotland have done well in this tournament despite finishing last in the Six Nations but I feel that the Australians will have too much for the Scots and should run out comfortable winners.

Musically I’m calling a draw again! Both bands have impressed me with their work and it is difficult to choose between either as they are both high quality metal acts.

Welcome to the weekend edition of Pish and Mince as the Rugby World Cup reaches the thrilling Quarter-Final stages. Can Wales progress pass the improving South Africans? Can France defeat the tournament favourites, the All Blacks? Will I be able to find more sports ball replaced by cats pictures? Only one way to find out…………….

QUARTER FINAL 1: SOUTH AFRICA vs WALES

MAD GOD vs SIGIRIYA

Not sure why god would be mad with this South African trio, as they make an unholy and glorious stoner doom racket; all heavy riffs, throbbing bass notes and wigged-out guitar solos. Quite the pleasant listening experience.

Sigiriya are a Welsh stoner doom band with a large dose of rock running through them and were formed from the ashes of Acrimony and seem to be the Principality’s answer to Monster Magnet and Orange Goblin. Big chunky riffs a-go-go, pummeling drumbeats and a vocalist who sounds like he could be in Black Stone Cherry (that’s a compliment btw). A fun time to be had by all.

PREDICTION: This will be a tough one to call. South Africa started off with a loss but then had 3 straight victories to propel them to top spot of Pool B whilst Wales’s only defeat came at the hands of the Aussies and put them into second spot of their Pool. A tight game but I feel the Welsh will come out victors by three points.

Musically I’m going for a Welsh double due to Sigiriya’s song writing abilities, catchy riffs and great vocals.

QUARTER FINAL 2: NEW ZEALAND vs FRANCE

APNEA vs DUR DABLA

If black metal screeching, tremelo riffing and blastbeats mixed with lovely guitar passages and gentle ambient sounds sounds like a good time then Apnea will be right up your alley. A very impressive ep followed by a great album full of light and shade show that these guys have a good handle on the loud/quiet/loud/quiet dynamics.

Hailing from Brittany, France Dur Dabla are a folk/ black metal act who use traditional folk instruments in their songs and they merge well with the Celtic legends and folklore of Brittany that is found in the lyrics. Depending on your love/tolerance of tin whistles, accordions, flutes and the suchlike in your folk metal will determine whether you like this band or not. Me? I’m firmly in the ‘like’ camp.

The last weekend of the Pool matches features only one game that has any meaning, (especially after Scotland have nixed any chance Japan had of progressing) and that is France vs Ireland. However there’s still a shed load of great music to explore and enjoy.

I picked God Eat God for two reasons: 1) the name and 2) because they play funeral doom/death metal and it turns out that the band (a UK/Russian mix) features Daniel Neagoe again on vocals! I’d already featured two of his bands before, Clouds and Eye of Solitude, and this third band is just as good and just a little different as his others. The violin (played by a guy named Casper) is featured quite prominently in the songs giving God Eat God a slight My Dying Bride-vibe.

PREDICTION: Argentina are already through and will face either France or Ireland in the quarter finals, so I can see this being a bit of a walkover for the Pumas.

Musically I’m giving this to God eat God due to Daniel Neagoe’s involvement in the project. I’ve been impressed by his other bands and GEG are another great band to get into. (Note: I do not know/work or have any contact with Mr. Neagoe whatsoever!)

GAME 38: ITALY vs ROMANIA

KANSEIL vs BUCOVINA- BATTLE OF THE FOLK BANDS!

Kanseil are an Italian folk metal band who use bagpipes, bouzoukis and whistles alongside traditional metal instruments to meld the worlds of folk and metal into a glorious musical success. More akin to Cnoc an tursa and Forefather folk metal than Alestorm/Korpiklaani folk metal. Bonus points for singing in their native language too.

Bucovina are another new band to me and, like Kanseil, they fuse traditional folk stylings with metal to produce some great music with some wonderful vocal harmonies too. Like Kanseil, Bucovina also sing in their native language giving the songs a more ‘authentic’ feel.

PREDICTION: Pride is all that’s left for these two teams and I belive the Italians will take this one due to their experience in the Six Nations competition.

Musically, wussing out again and calling a draw! Both bands are excellent and worth your time and money in discovering.

GAME 39: FRANCE vs IRELAND

VI vs CORR MHONA

A side project from 2 of the members of Aosoth (and the ex-drummer from Aosoth), VI play black metal that is best listened whilst naked, on all four with a piece of raw meat between your teeth and shaking your head from side to side until you start foaming and the mouth. Yeah, it’s that good!

Corr Mhona (translation: the twisted thing form the bog), like their fellow countrymen Mael Mhorda and Primordial, fuse pagan folk metal/doom metal and black metal to produce a very enjoyable noise and get extra brownie points for singing in Gaelic

PREDICTION: The winner of this game, and the group, will face Argentina in the next round and the second-placed team will be up against tournament favourites New Zealand, so a lot is riding on this game. Both teams will be eager to avoid the All Blacks, it will be a close, tight game but I can see Ireland edging it slightly.

Musically I’m going for VI.

GAME 40: USA vs JAPAN

PETRYCHOR vs LIFEBLOOD

From Petrychor’s website: “Black metal laced with folk, avant-garde classical, and other musical interests”, which sums it up far better than I could! If you like Aquilus, Skagos and Nhor and bands of that ilk you will get a lot of enjoyment from Petrychor.

Lifeblood hail from Japan and play depressive metal/rock with touches of black metal. Only two songs are available to listen to at the moment but they’re fairly well written and produced for that style of music. Nothing earth-shattering but not bad.