That slippery slope

So I saw difficult child last Friday for about 45 minutes then Sunday night for his birthday dinner and then I took two pieces of mail to him yesterday and we sat in the car for about 10 minutes.

These times seeing him have been good. He does seem different, better, more serious, not talking fast, manipulating me, not asking me for things like before. He seems more mature. He is talking about a place to live, a job via Goodwill career solutions, next steps. I have said there is help once you start moving forward seriously and consistently.

But like we say, talk is cheap. It is action that counts.

So I have just tried to be pleasant and supportive and keep some emotional distance.

Today the phone rang at 7 as I was driving home from my exercise class and it was him. He said he had five hours sleep in the past two nights because there is "nowhere to lie down. I'm so exhausted Mom. Can I come over to your house for a while and sleep."

I said no. It was a very hard no to say but I stuck to it. I said it gently and clearly and I said I'm sorry. I AM sorry I have to say no to my son who I love so much when he is so tired and I have this huge house with lots of empty beds. I am so damn sorry I have to say no.

I waited a while and it was really bothering me so I called SO and we talked it up and down and the result was still the same.

I am hoping and praying this is his sick and tired and he will DO SOMETHING to change his situation. It only takes doing one thing different for all of us to effect a sea of change.

Evidently even with all of the help from nonprofits churches etc for homeless people, the police still will not allow them to sleep in public. When they do, they are searched and then rousted up and out, to keep moving. The silver lining here is that this is very hard---to find a place to sleep on the street. Maybe it is hard enough to push the decision to go to a shelter or halfway house.

It has been a long hard day for me. A day has seemed to be 48 hours long surely. I haven't heard anymore from difficult child. We hung up saying I love you. No anger, no abusive talk, no pushing.

I have just prayed all day for him and for myself. I just hope he is okay.

I am praying for your son too COM, praying hard. I hope this is the turning point for him. Hugs to you too Mom, do something very, very kind for yourself COM, something nourishing, nurturing........loving.......... just for YOU.

So sorry COM. Am going thru similar situation. Feel so guilty having all the comforts of home. We can't open our doors to them when they come and destroy our safe havens. I know what a struggle and guilt trip it is to say no. Feel strong til he calls and my heart just breaks. Have to remind myself how our home was when he was here. Stay strong. You deserve peace. We all do

I am so sorry for your aching heart. I know without a doubt that you are doing the right thing. My difficult child also sometimes asks to come home to sleep..I have let him do it often in the past, but not for the last year or so...I have always been so committed personally and as a parent to the idea that sleep is one of the most important things, it is incredibly hard to not offer that solace, that comfort. Your baby in a bed again. I love to watch my children sleep, I love to even watch my animals sleep...how then can we turn away our sons.

But really, we must. You did. I have and will. You can't be the answer to his problems. And it won't stop with just a nap or an overnight, we know that too...but even if it did, he has to has to has to understand that only his actions will change the course of his life...not his mom's loving broken heart.

Pray for comfort. Turn to SO, Al anon, the board. Watch a good movie on TV and cry your eyes out. Don't change your mind. You are doing the right thing, as a parent, as a person.

I waited a while and it was really bothering me so I called SO and we talked it up and down and the result was still the same.

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So good that you and SO are of one mind. It's so helpful to have someone to share your decisions with who will reinforce the conclusions that you have reached and help you believe that they are the right decisions.

So good that you ended your call with your son by telling each other that you loved each other and without any anger or abuse or pushing.

These are both strong, positive things that have happened today.

I drove to the forest to see my son this morning. He seemed well. He'd made an effort to wash in the river I think before I got there. His fingernails were filthy and broken though. That was a bit upsetting, but I didn't draw attention to it. We hung out in his treehouse and he talked about some childhood memories. He had a bag of filthy clothes that he wanted me to take and wash and bring back. I asked him how the others managed to wash their clothes. He said they used bicarbonate of soda and river water. I said that sounded interesting and that he should try that. I left the bag of washing with him. I felt a bit bad doing that, but if he wants this life then he doesn't really need my washing machine.

Your son has chosen his life, he doesn't really need your spare bed. They can manage, and if they stop wanting to manage like that then they can work to find their way back to a more conformist life.

We also left saying we loved each other.

So I have four positive things to think about today:

You saying 'no' to the bed and knowing you did the right thing.
Me saying 'no' to the washing and knowing I did the right thing.
You and your son leaving each other on a positive note.
Me and my son leaving each other on a positive note.

A good day!
A reason to have a good night's sleep tonight.
I'm sure your son is ok.
I hope you have a good night's sleep too.