"Well, if I took you (down to the Carribean) then I'd want to take a shower with you, that would be the first think (sic) I’d do… yeah, we’d check you into the room, and we could order up some room service and uh and you’d definitely get two wines into you as quickly as I could get into you I would get ‘em into you… maybe intravenously, get those glasses of wine into you…

You would basically be in the shower and the I would come in and I’d join you and you would have your back to me and I would take that little loofa thing and kinda’ soap up your back… rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water… and um… you know, you’d feel the tension drain out of you and uh you still would be with your back to me then I would kinda’ put my arm - it’s one of those mitts, those loofa mitts you know, so i got my hands in it… and I would put it around front, kinda’ rub your tummy a little bit with it, and then with my other hand I would start to massage your boobs, get your nipples really hard… ‘cuz I like that and you really have spectacular boobs…

So anyway, I’d be rubbing your bog boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda’ kissing your neck from behind… and then I would take the other hand with the falafel (sic) thing and I’d put it on your pussy, but you’d have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business."

Indeed!

Congratulations, Bill. I'll send you a signed copy of your own book, and a Premium Membership to billoreilly.com!

They Shoot Cats, Don't They?

EVANSVILLE, Ind. Two Wal-Mart employees who police say followed a manager's orders to shoot and kill a stray cat have been charged with federal animal cruelty.

The men, both assistant managers at the Supercenter, were arrested and released after a court appearance Wednesday. Christopher Anderson, 29, and Jeffrey Hardin, 21, told police the store's manager ordered them to get rid of the animal that was living in a storage trailer behind their store.

A truck driver who reported the incident said he saw store employees placing what he believed to be a dead animal in shrink wrap a day after he heard workers joking about shooting the cat.

Store manager Darrel Weitzel told police he had told some of his employees to get a gun and get rid of the cat after attempts to coax it from the trailer failed, according to a police report.

Need I say more?

Quick question: how many "Wal-Mart" managers are named Darrel out there?

"Well. Lessee. There's Darrel Webb in St. George. Darrel Furley in Richfield. Darrel Poter in Rexburg. Darrel Lee Phelps in McKeesport. Darrel Ortega. He's in Gallup, New Mexico. I could go on and on."

A Twentynine Palms Marine who led Los Angeles police on a high-speed chase after allegedly killing a transgender prostitute in Hollywood was shot to death by officers.

Patrick Edward Vallor, 22, an MP, allegedly pointed a gun at pursuing officers in a McDonald’s restaurant parking lot in the Atwater Village area early Sunday, Assistant Chief Jim McDonnell said.

The Marine apparently picked up a prostitute he believed was a female, investigators said. When he discovered the prostitute was a man, the Marine allegedly killed the man and dumped the body near Melrose Avenue.

He was a 25-year-old male Hispanic with an unknown last address, Harvey said. His body, which indicated gunshot wounds, was found in the 4900 (block of) Melrose Hill, Los Angeles.

Officers first fired a beanbag round to subdue Vallor, but he pointed the weapon at officers and he was shot, Officer Jack Richter said Monday.

Vallor was from Reseda in the San Fernando Valley.

Based on vehicle descriptions by witnesses, police chased the suspect’s car through Hollywood to the parking lot near San Fernando Road and Fletcher Drive.

Really sad.

I'm fascinated by this story for a number of different reasons:

ONE; I know all of the locations in this story, so I can "see" the thing in my head. (Trust me, all of the locations in this story are grim. The 4900 block of Melrose Hill sucks, and the McDonald's in Atwater is barely a McDonald's.) Which makes it easier to connect the dots laid out by the article.

"Dude had some time away from Marine base. Dude got hammered and decided to pick up a hooker for a quick blow-job. Dude picked up a hooker on Santa Monica Blvd., somewhere between La Brea and Vermont. Dude did not know that the stretch between La Brea and Vermont is exclusively "transvestite and young-boy." Dude then drove south toward Melrose, pulled into one of the blown-out neighborhoods along the 101, and did the deed. Dude then blew a gasket and killed the transvestite after learning "its" true identity. Dude then dumped the body in said, blown-out neighborhood and continued to make tragic choices."

TWO; the "transvestite beaten or killed by john" story is a common one in Hollywood. Unfortunately, it's a story that often goes "unreported." Because "it" involves a transvestite. And few people care about transvestites, especially the ones that walk Santa Monica Blvd. In this case, though, the story has legs because the john was a Marine. From 29 Palms.

Which leads me to reason number THREE; over fifty Marines from 29 Palms have died in Iraq since the start of the war.

The Bush administration is facing a wave of new allegations that the abuse of foreign detainees in U.S. military custody was more widespread, varied and grave in the past three years than the Defense Department has long maintained.

New documents released yesterday detail a series of probes by Army criminal investigators into multiple cases of threatened executions of Iraqi detainees by U.S. soldiers, as well as of thefts of currency and other private property, physical assaults, and deadly shootings of detainees at detention camps in Iraq.

The complaints arose from several THOUSAND new pages of internal reports, investigations and e-mails from different agencies, which, with other documents released in the past two weeks, paint a finer-grained picture of military abuse and criminal behavior at prisons in Cuba, Iraq and Afghanistan than previously available.

Click on any of the links above for the ugly details. You know, stickin' cigs in people, wrapping dudes in Israeli flags, killing detainees, covering it up. Blah blah blah.

But don't worry, friend. There are more important things to worry about. Like...the holidays! You can turn your brain off...until the Orange Bowl on January 4. This "abuse stuff" will be taken care of. By the people who take care of such things.

Right?

Oh, BTW. The White House condoned the abuse. There may even be a piece of paper "out there." An Executive Order.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Blasphemer!

(Welcome HPI readers. Keep going.)

MANDATORY Bill Moyers...and a recent speech on the Religious Right, the environment and the Middle East.

The Cliff Note version? Our friends on the Uber-Right do not care about the above mentioned thingees. In fact, they're psyched; planet decay and political unrest in the Middle East suggest...The Rapture.

These true believers subscribe to a fantastical theology concocted in the 19th century by a couple of immigrant preachers who took disparate passages from the Bible and wove them into a narrative that has captivated the imagination of millions of Americans.

Its outline is rather simple, if bizarre (the British writer George Monbiot recently did a brilliant dissection of it and I am indebted to him for adding to my own understanding): once Israel has occupied the rest of its "biblical lands," legions of the anti-Christ will attack it, triggering a final showdown in the valley of Armageddon. As the Jews who have not been converted are burned, the Messiah will return for the rapture. True believers will be lifted out of their clothes and transported to heaven, where, seated next to the right hand of God, they will watch their political and religious opponents suffer plagues of boils, sores, locusts, and frogs during the several years of tribulation that follow.

I'm not making this up. Like Monbiot, I've read the literature. I've reported on these people, following some of them from Texas to the West Bank. They are sincere, serious and polite as they tell you they feel called to help bring the rapture on as fulfillment of biblical prophecy. That's why they have declared solidarity with Israel and the Jewish settlements and backed up their support with money and volunteers. It's why the invasion of Iraq for them was a warm-up act, predicted in the Book of Revelations where four angels "which are bound in the great river Euphrates will be released to slay the third part of man." A war with Islam in the Middle East is not something to be feared but welcomed – an essential conflagration on the road to redemption.

Wait. Who are the angels gonna slay? The third part of who? I wasn't aware that angels were in the business of slaying. What the fuck?

Onward Christian soldiers:

A 2002 TIME/CNN poll found that 59 percent of Americans believe that the prophecies found in the book of Revelations are going to come true. Nearly one-quarter think the Bible predicted the 9/11 attacks.

And two-thirds of those polled think that "American Idol" is "the best fucking show ever." Read on:

Drive across the country with your radio tuned to the more than 1,600 Christian radio stations or in the motel turn some of the 250 Christian TV stations and you can hear some of this end-time gospel. And you will come to understand why people under the spell of such potent prophecies cannot be expected, as Grist puts it, "to worry about the environment. Why care about the earth when the droughts, floods, famine and pestilence brought by ecological collapse are signs of the apocalypse foretold in the bible? Why care about global climate change when you and yours will be rescued in the rapture? And why care about converting from oil to solar when the same god who performed the miracle of the loaves and fishes can whip up a few billion barrels of light crude with a word?"

Because these people believe that until Christ does return, the lord will provide. One of their texts is a high school history book, America's providential history. You'll find there these words: "the secular or socialist has a limited resource mentality and views the world as a pie ... that needs to be cut up so everyone can get a piece." However, "[t]he Christian knows that the potential in god is unlimited and that there is no shortage of resources in god's earth ... while many secularists view the world as overpopulated, Christians know that god has made the earth sufficiently large with plenty of resources to accommodate all of the people."

Actually, there's a shortage of iPods this Xmas season, but I'm sure the Lord will provide.

Monday, December 20, 2004

He said it!

Bush just concluded this morning's White House press conference by saying, "Happy Holidays."

Holy Moley!

The assault on the Baby Jesus' birthday...continues...from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!

Cool.

No word from yet from Lou Dobb's. Here's the latest excerpt from mediamatters.org re: the continued assualt on Chritmas, and the use of the SECULAR phrase "Happy Holidays":

(Dobbs)...joined up with FOX News anchors and conservative commentators who have alleged that Christmas has been imperiled by Macy's department stores' use of the phrase "Happy Holidays" in its advertising. On the December 15 edition of Lou Dobbs Tonight, Dobbs claimed that Macy's department stores are "exclud[ing] everyone who is celebrating Christmas" by using the phrase "Happy Holidays." Dobbs then questioned the merit of using "Happy Holidays," asking CNN business correspondent Christine Romans: "[W]hat other holidays are we celebrating right now?" Finally, Dobbs concluded that Macy's is "wrong" in assuming "Happy Holidays" encompasses Christmas.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Episode II: The Attack of the Moderates

Happy Sunday.

Interesting rumblings from some Old School Republicans. Two headlines from this morning's papers; "Schwarzenegger suggests U.S. Republicans move leftward" & "(Christie) Whitman Warns Against Catering to Right."

Hmm.

An alarm just went of at the Heritage Foundation. Some complimentary membership cards have been revoked.

"The Republican Party currently covers only the spectrum from the right wing to the middle, and the Democratic Party covers the spectrum from the left to the middle."

Actually, the Republican party currently covers the spectrum from full-blown-fucking lunatic to fucking lunatic, but I get what he's saying.

"I would like the Republican Party to cross this line, move a little further left and place more weight on the center," he was quoted as saying. "This would immediately give the party 5 percent more votes without it losing anything elsewhere."

Uh. No.

You guys set a place at the table for people who believe that the Grand Canyon is 6,000 years old. Trust me, they ain't sharing the turkey. You move half-an-inch toward the center and those people will throw a tantrum so bad...they'll stab you in the face with a fork.

On to Christie Whitman, the former Garden State governor and Bush's EPA chief. She's out there pushing her new book, entitled "It's My Party Too: The Battle for the Heart of the GOP and the Future of America."

"What's it called?"

"Uh, 'The Battle for the Heart of the GOP and the Future of America,' sir."

"Is she still on the dang Christmas card list?"

"Not anymore, sir."

"Good. Hand me them pretzels."

One of the big points in the book?

"Republican moderates must speak up or the party could move so far to the right that it will lose its influence and strength."

Memo to Ms. Whitman: too late!

"It is time for Republican moderates to assert forcefully and plainly that this is our party, too, that we not only have a place but a voice, and not just a voice but a vision that is true to the historic principles of our party and our nation, not one tied to an extremist agenda," she says.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

K2: The Return of Kerik

And now we find out from the Times (and, truthfully, from the force of logic) that the nanny story, which has been the White House's first, second and third talking point all week, is probably totally bogus.

The Times found no evidence that such a woman ever existed. And even when pressed by people who suspect he made the whole story up, Kerik remains adamant in his refusal to provide any details whatsoever. It's very hard to read the Times story and not conclude that the whole nanny thing was a con.

Gee. Ya think?

So what's the White House's story? Did they just take Kerik's word for it, not ask for even the most perfunctory details and then repeat the nanny story from the press room lectern for days on end as gospel truth? Or were they in on the con too?

Methinks the answer is "all of the above."

The Bushies were totally addicted to the idea of having a "9/11 hero" as their new Homeland Security czar. As a result, they totally fell for Kerik and his whole schtick and got lazy when it came time to check the dude out. Plus, the Bushies "mis-underestimated" the (usually co-operative) White House press corps' desire to take SOMEONE down.

And they dusted off the wrong "excuse" when things started to go south. The press corps had heard the "nanny" excuse one too many times, and were forced to, uh, do their job and ask questions.

Wa-la. A nice, little stocking-stuffer for anyone concerened about the goings-on over at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

Hey, who gets to play Kerik in the upcoming, made-for-TV movie? I'm voting for Michael "The Shield" Chiklis. Or Laker trainer Gary Vitti.

Lately, Kerik seemed to have rebounded. Earlier this year, I spotted him having dinner at Fresco's with another, fatter man and a pair of blond twentysomethings in skin-tight jeans and fur coats.

You gotta love a paper that will print the phrase "blond twentysomethings in skin-tight jeans and fur coats." And, you gotta love the fact that Peyser drew attention to the "fatter" man at the table. Suggests a couple of slimeballs...out with a couple of...uh...professionals.

Nes pa?

For a cleaner, less FOX-y version of the story, check out this article in the NY Times.

Olympics Too Sexy For Its Shirt

December 13, 2004 -- The Federal Communications Commission has asked NBC to submit a tape of its coverage of the Summer Olympics opening ceremonies to determine if some of the dancing was too sexy for TV.

NBC confirmed over the weekend that the FCC had asked for the tape from the first night of the Athens Olympics.

The commission usually does not initiate an investigation, but acts only after viewer complaints.

What are the chances that the "complaints" came from Brent Bozell's "Parents Television Council" (a turbo-fundie group responsible for 99.8% of the indecency complaints sent to the FCC in 2003)?

"One hundred."

Right.

Once again, the Parents Television Council was responsible for 99.8% of the indecency complaints filed in 2003. Complaints...that Michael Powell paid attention to...even though they came from one fucking group.

Powell's response to that inconvenient fact? "(It) does not minimize the merits of the groups’ concerns."

Man.

"But...the dancing was too...se...se...sexy."

"Something oughta be done about that."

"Those people were imposing their...culture on our children. Without us knowin' it first."

"They were dancing closer than a Bible."

"Hundreds of...gays. Dancing with other gays."

"Lesbians."

"Painted up like demons."

"It was horrible."

"Sodom and Gamorrah."

"Our son Jacob runs track."

"What does that have to do with running track?"

"He was so upset."

"What does that have to do with running track?!"

For more info on the Parents Television Council and its chummy relationship with the FCC, check out this great article from Mediaweek.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Crazy James Bond Stuff

Ukrainian presidential candidate Viktor Yushchenko was poisoned with dioxin, doctors said Saturday, adding that the highly toxic chemical could have been put in the opposition leader's soup, producing the severe disfigurement and partial paralysis of his face.

The massive quantities of dioxin in Yushchenko's system caused chloracne, a type of adult acne produced by exposure to toxic chemicals, said hospital dermatologist Hubert Pehmberger.

Not the Clearasil kind of acne, either. The dude's face looks like it was carved up with a light saber.

Dioxins are chemical by-products from factories that use chlorine, or from incinerators. Low doses accumulate in the body, mostly through food. High doses can be fatal.

Yushchenko, who faces Viktor Yanukovych on Dec. 26 in a rerun of a disputed presidential runoff, has claimed that he was poisoned by Ukrainian authorities, who deny the charges.

You're kidding me. Really?

Yushchenko's people claim that their man was poisoned...via a bowl of soup.

A Great Quote...

..from Bill Moyers. (The dude is leaving "Now.")

"I'm going out telling the story that I think is the biggest story of our time: how the right-wing media has become a partisan propaganda arm of the Republican National Committee. We have an ideological press that's interested in the election of Republicans, and a mainstream press that's interested in the bottom line. Therefore, we don't have a vigilant, independent press whose interest is the American people."

Students at one of the area's largest Christian schools are reading a controversial booklet that critics say whitewashes Southern slavery with its view that slaves lived "a life of plenty, of simple pleasures."

Say what?

Leaders at Cary Christian School say they are not condoning slavery by using "Southern Slavery, As It Was," a booklet that attempts to provide a BIBLICAL JUSTIFICATION for slavery and asserts that slaves weren't treated as badly as people think.

Oh. okay. Sounds good. Keep reading.

Principal Larry Stephenson said the school is only exposing students to different ideas, such as how the South justified slavery. He said the booklet is used because it is hard to find writings that are both sympathetic to the South and explore what the Bible says about slavery.

God. How can that be?

"You can have two different sides, a Northern perspective and a Southern perspective," he said.

Damn. Just realized that I have a Northern perspective. Too bad for me.

More excerpts from "Southern Slavery, As It Was":

"There has never been a multi-racial society which has existed with such mutual intimacy and harmony in the history of the world." (page 24)

Didn't know that.

* "Slave life was to them a life of plenty, of simple pleasures, of food, clothes, and good medical care." (page 25)

Oh, right. That's why "blacks" long for a return to slavery.

* "Nearly every slave in the South enjoyed a higher standard of living than the poor whites of the South -- and had a much easier existence." (page 30)

I have a headache.

By the way:

The booklet's other author, Steve Wilkins, is a member of the board of directors of the Alabama-based League of the South. That is classified as a "hate group" by the Southern Poverty Law Center, an Alabama-based civil rights group.

"Doug Wilson and Steve Wilkins have essentially constructed the ruling theology of the neo-Confederate movement," said Mark Potok, editor of the Southern Poverty Law Center's Intelligence Report.

Potok said people who argue that the South should secede again have latched onto the writings of Wilson and Wilkins, which portray the Confederacy as the last true Christian civilization.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

Bruce

You take my life but I'll take yours, too You fire your musket but I'll run you throughSo when you're waiting for the next attackYou'd better stand there's no turning backThe bugle sounds as the charge beginsBut on this battlefield no one winsThe smell of arcrid smoke and horses breathAs you plunge into a certain deathThe horse he sweats with fear, we break to runThe mighty roar of the Russian gunsAnd as we race towards the human wallThe screams of pain as my comrades fallWe hurdle bodies that lay on the groundAs the Russians fire another roundWe get so near yet so far awayWe won't live to fight another day!

Some of soldiers, however, had criticisms of their own - not of the war itself but of how it is being fought.

Army Spc. Thomas Wilson of the 278th Regimental Combat Team, which is made up mainly of citizen soldiers of the Tennessee Army National Guard, asked Rumsfeld in a question-and-answer session why vehicle armor is still in short supply, nearly two years after the war started.

"Why do we soldiers have to dig through local landfills for pieces of scrap metal and compromised ballistic glass to uparmor our vehicles?" Wilson asked. A BIG CHEER arose from the approximately 2,300 soldiers in the cavernous hangar who assembled to see and hear the secretary of defense.

Rumsfeld hesitated and asked Wilson to repeat his question.

"We do not have proper armored vehicles to carry with us north," Wilson said after asking again.

Rumsfeld then flew across the room and bit the soldier's face off.

Sorry. Back to the article.

Rumsfeld replied that, "You go to war with the Army you have," not the one you might want, and that the Army was pushing manufacturers of vehicle armor to produce it as fast as humanly possible.

You go to war with the army that you have. Wow. Subtext: fuck you and deal with it, soldier. How dare you talk to me.

Uh, you go to war with the army that you have...which is supposed to be the best in the 'kin galaxy, Don. We've spend A LOT OF 'KIN MONEY TO MAKE IT SO. Methinks that some o' that "money " is gettin' snatched up along the way. Nes pa?

So...

Some better questions, soldiers. "Sir, who REALLY makes our body armor, and is it a company run by one of your buddies? How much money have you given 'em, and are they spending that cash on producing the best equipment possible? If not...any of that money bein' used on big homes and high-end prostitutes?"

More:

And, the defense chief added, armor is not always a savior in the kind of combat U.S. troops face in Iraq, where the insurgents' weapon of choice is the roadside bomb, or improvised explosive device that has killed and maimed hundreds, if not thousands, of American troops since the summer of 2003.

"You can have all the armor in the world on a tank and it can (still) be blown up," Rumsfeld said.

No shit.

No one dared ask the obvious question: "Why are we gettin' blown up?!"

The article did not say anything about Army Spc Tom Wilson gettin' a "special assigment" to Mosul.

DES MOINES, Iowa - President Bush visited the swing state of Iowa on Monday to sign the Working Families Tax Relief Act of 2004, which he said would mean lower tax bills for 94 million Americans.

"It comes at just the right time for America. Some of the provisions were set to expire at the end of 2004 ..." he said. "That would have been a setback for hardworking families of America and a setback for our economy."

Bush introduced MIKE AND SHARLA HINTZ, a couple from Clive, whom he said benefited from his tax plan.

Last year, because of the enhanced the child tax credit, they received an extra $1,600 in their tax refund, Bush said. With other tax cuts in the bill, they saved $2,800 on their income taxes.

They used the money to buy a wood-burning stove to more efficiently heat their home, made some home improvements and went on a vacation to Minnesota, the president said.

"Next year, maybe they'll want to come to Texas," Bush quipped.

Mike Hintz, a First Assembly of God YOUTH PASTOR, said the tax cuts also gave him additional money to use for health care. He said he supports Bush's values.

"The American people are starting to see what kind of leader President Bush is. People know where he stands," he said. "Where we are in this world, with not just the war on terror, but with the war with our CULTURE that's going on, I think we need a man that is going to be in the White House like President Bush, that's going to stand by what he believes.

"Everybody that I've talked to are saying that things are going to start going his way," Hintz said.

Okay. Important story points; Mike and Sharla Hintz, tax cuts, fine Americans, Mike's a youth pastor, First Assembly of God, clearly believes in values, wants the President to lead the way in the war on culture.

DES MOINES, Iowa -- A Des Moines youth pastor is charged with the sexual exploitation of a child.

Hey now!

Rev. MIKE HINTZ was fired from the First Assembly of God Church, located at 2725 Merle Hay Road, on Oct. 30. Hintz was the youth pastor there for three years. Police said he started an affair with a 17-YEAR OLD in the church YOUTH GROUP this spring.

Hubba hubba!

Church officials fired Hintz immediately after hearing the allegations.

The Blind Leading the Blind Leading the Blind

The five-year agreement initially covers more than 100 radio stations.

Fox will provide a five-minute top-of-the-hour newscast, a nightly news broadcast, and around-the-clock dedicated national news coverage. In return, Fox News Radio will have access to news produced by San Antonio-based Clear Channel's news network.

No terms of the deal were disclosed. But Fox, a unit of News Corp., says if all options in the agreement are exercised, its radio service could have more than 500 affiliates by the middle of next year.

"Working this closely with a premiere national news provider for the majority of our news/talk stations makes overwhelming sense," said John Hogan, chief executive officer of Clear Channel Radio. "Because of the breadth of this relationship, our local news directors will get a more customized and higher quality national news product — and that's great for listeners."

And 'Merica.

And freedom!

To find out about the Clear Channel stations in your town - www.clearchannel.com

My favorite section on Rapture Ready dot kick ass? The whole thing. But if I have to pick? "Rapture Ready News" and the "Left Behind Letters."

"Rapture Ready News" contains a few, daily headlines that are, uh, obviously related to the End Times. Such as 'US to Sell Jordan 50 Air-to-Air Missiles," "Bush Plays Down US Food Threat," and "Hamas Official: We Will Agree to Peace With Israel."

Yeah.

Um...

"The Left Behind Letters" are...letters from Evangelicals to those of us who've been "Left Behind." Meaning, those of us who are still here when Armageddon begins. Because the good Christians "disappear" before...all Hell breaks loose.

Yes, the loving notes were written in anticipation/advance of that terrible day. Here's a typical "letter":

Dear Friend,

Are you looking for me?

Not really.

Sorry. Keep reading:

Is the world looking for millions of missing people that have just vanished in an instant? Are all little children around the globe part of the missing group? If so, I can tell you what has happened. Don't believe the very convincing lies you will hear. Don't believe UFO's got us. Don't believe some cosmic reaction erased us.

The truth is - are you ready for this? - we're at a wedding. Yup. In fact, we are the "bride." The "groom" is Jesus, the Messiah, the Promised One from the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. (Hear, O Israel!) He has come to take His cride, the true Church and all little innocent ones, out of this world because of what is coming.

Yes, yes, I know. There are all sorts of Christians running around now insisting that this explanation CANNOT be the correct one because THEY are Left Behind. This may include some very visible Christians, like maybe a Pope or something. What does this tell you? It tells you that any "Christian" left behind was a phony. They may have said they believed, blah blah blah, but God knows the heart of men, and He has seen that they are fakes.

Will you ever see us again? Will you ever see your loved ones that are missing? That's up to you. You see, Jesus has removed His bride from the earth in one last attempt to get your attention. Are you paying attention now? Good! Here is what you need to know...

Apparently, you're gonna need to know a bunch of stuff from the Book of Revelations 'coz you're gonna haveta appease Christ when he comes to kick your ass.

A couple of good "nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah" letters on the site, too.

I, uh, I'm gonna finish my coffee.

"I lived alone, my mind was blank, I needed time to think to get the memories from my mind..."

Saturday, December 04, 2004

Jerry, Revisited

For those of you who missed it...Jer was the "guest-host" of Crossfire on Thursday. Along with James Carville.

(Quick-side note: Patricia Ireland, the fromer President of NOW, was a guest on the program. Or "The National Organization of Witches," as Falwell calls them. God, is he funny.)

As soon as the program started, Carville and Falwell launched into a quick discussion re: Iraq and W's "decision" to add 12,000 more troops to the, uh, situation. And what this "meant."

Here's the exchange:

CARVILLE: Why are we already there for so long and we need more and more troops if it's going so well?

FALWELL: Well, it's going -- it's going -- I think it is going well. You know, CNN does not always get it right, but it goes pretty well if you watch it on Fox.

Yes, Reverend, the war goes "pretty well" if you watch it on Fox.

Man.

You know what?

Thank the sweet baby Jesus for pro-war Preachers. A breath of fresh air, if you ask me. Because they have the guts to preach "The Truth." None of that peace junk....gummin' up The Word of God.

And another thing.

The Good Lord would've had a better time with the Romans had He been pro-war. Talkin' never got anyone anywhere. We were "learned that" from the President. In the run-up to Operation Desert Freedom Lovers.

More fun on "Crossfire." Patty Ireland (and some crazy Republican woman) joined Carville and Falwell for a discussion re: Henry Waxman's report (read my last entry), abstinence, sex education and misinformation. And Carville went nuts:

CARVILLE: Well, I'll tell you what. Right. Well, you know, one of the things that I would like to see instituted is, no one can preach abstinence unless they practice it themselves. But that's for another discussion here.

One of the things that they teach is, is that you can get pregnant through masturbation. I don't know how to say this, but it's something I have some familiarity with.

(LAUGHTER)

CARVILLE: And I have never gotten pregnant.

(LAUGHTER)

CARVILLE: I have never known anybody to get pregnant through masturbation.

Friday, December 03, 2004

ABSTINENCE!

Hello, kiddies.

My main man Henry Waxman (D-People's Republic of California) is at it again. Seems that he's been checking up on the Bushies plan to get kids to "Just Say No." The headline from yesterday's Washington Post?

"Some Abstinence Programs Mislead Teens, Report Says"

Yeah!

Some excerpts:

Many American youngsters participating in federally funded abstinence-only programs have been taught over the past three years that abortion can lead to sterility and suicide, that half the gay male teenagers in the United States have tested positive for the AIDS virus, and that touching a person's genitals "can result in pregnancy," a congressional staff analysis has found.

Hey. Touching genitals DOES lead to pregnancy. Everyone knows that.

Those and other assertions are examples of the "false, misleading, or distorted information" in the programs' teaching materials, said the analysis, released yesterday, which reviewed the curricula of more than a dozen projects aimed at preventing teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease.

In providing nearly $170 million next year to fund groups that teach abstinence only, the Bush administration, with backing from the Republican Congress, is investing heavily in a just-say-no strategy for teenagers and sex. But youngsters taking the courses frequently receive medically inaccurate or misleading information, often in direct contradiction to the findings of government scientists, said the report, by Rep. Henry A. Waxman (D-Calif.), a critic of the administration who has long argued for comprehensive sex education.

Man...

Waxman has figured out that millions of kids across the country have been exposed to this stuff. Some other "facts" kids have been a learnin'?

• A 43-day-old fetus is a "thinking person."

• HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, can be spread via sweat and tears.

• Condoms fail to prevent HIV transmission as often as 31 percent of the time in heterosexual intercourse.

Doo bee doo bee doo.

"Hey. Ya ever heard of the great philosopher Fetuserus? Student of Plato? Conceived 410 BC? Dude was still in the womb when he wrote his first, great indictment of the Socratic Method. 43 days old, too."

"I've heard of him. A great thinker! Praise Apollo he was not aborted."

Waxman went on to say that:

"I have no objection talking about abstinence as a surefire way to prevent unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases," Waxman said. "I don't think we ought to lie to our children about science."

Some course materials cited in Waxman's report present as scientific fact notions about a man's need for "admiration" and "sexual fulfillment" compared with a woman's need for "financial support." One book in the "Choosing Best" series tells the story of a knight who married a village maiden instead of the princess because the princess offered so many tips on slaying the local dragon. "Moral of the story," notes the popular text: "Occasional suggestions and assistance may be alright, but too much of it will lessen a man's confidence or even turn him away from his princess."

It will also send the man running to the nearest Hooter's.

Wow. I mean...where to start?

I'm not even gonna genital touch the "scientific facts" re: man's need for admiration and sexual fulfillment VS a woman's need for financial support. No. We already know that too many 'Merican dudes operate with that particular handbook. I'm more interested in the "Choosing the Best" series, a series designed to help teens learn how to find their "soulmate." www.choosingthebest.org. Good times. Trust me.

I wanna get into the "knight hooking up with the village maiden thing."

One book...tells the story of a knight who married a village maiden (ie PEASANT GIRL) instead of the princess because the princess offered so many tips on slaying the local dragon." Moral of the story," notes the popular text: "Occasional suggestions and assistance may be alright, but too much of it will lessen a man's confidence or even turn him away from his princess."

My brain hurts.

Other reasons the knight "chose" the peasant girl over the princess?

1. The knight used his family connections to get into Yale, and ended up with a "C" average. He couldn't stand the fact that the princess, a Harvard grad, was smarter (and more self-confident) than he was.

2. The princess was not impressed with the knight's bullshit oil company...funded by his daddy's friends. That drove the knight crazy, because he was so used to "hooking up with the kinda chicks" who were.

3. The Princess had an excellent job and ran with a very groovy crowd. The knight had a very hard time understanding "those people." On that front, the princess was not willing to leave the East Village for Los Retardos, TX.

4. The Princess fell out of her chair...laughing...when the knight came home from his first "Promise Keepers" meeting. The knight told the princess that it was a woman's duty, in the eyes of the Lord, to serve her "master." The princess told the knight to "go fuck himself."

5. The Princess had ambition. The peasant girl had that beaten out of her before she got out of high school.

"Occasional suggestions and assistance." A true sign that you are dating a feminazi. And not "choosing the best."

Well...there was another scene. A cute, little reprise of the "Misfit" song. In the original show. Went like this:

Cut To:

EXT. WOODS - DAY
(Rudolph, Hermey)

Rudy and Hermey are strolling through the forest...and singing the following tune:

We're a couple of misfits
We're a couple of misfits
What's the matter with misfits
That's where we fit in!

We're not daffy and dilly
Don't go 'round willy nilly
Seems to us kinda silly
That we don't fit in.

We may be different from the rest
Who decides the test
Of what is really best?

We're a couple of misfits
We're a couple of misfits
What's the matter with misfits
That's where we fit in!

Okay. No problems, right?

Wrong.

Apparently, the GE dude (ie, the show's SPONSOR) had some trouble with this song. Maybe some trouble with the music. Maybe some trouble with the lyrics. Maybe some trouble with the message. Dunno. Regardless, dude made a phone call or three. And demanded a change. And a new song. In place of this one.

And it was done.

The replacement (a part of every broadcast since 1965)? The now classic tune..."Fame & Fortune."

The "F&F" lyrics:

Fame and fortune, fame and fortune
We're off to seek them now
Anyone can have them both
It just takes the right know-how
We put on our traveling shoes today
We won't stop until we find the way to
Fame and fortune, fame and fortune
They will be ours some day

Fame and fortune, fame and fortune
They will be ours some day!

"Amen!"

God, where to start with this one?

Let's see. Think, think, think.

What's the matter with misfits VS anyone can have (fame and fortune).

Hmm.

Big, big difference between the two songs, don't ya think?

"Oh, you have no idea. There were a lot of 'misfits' floating around in the 60's. Thinkin' they had rights and stuff. They didn't need to be reminded of that."

Right.

"Plus, the 'Fame & Fortune' message is so much more...positive."

Right.

"Anyone can have them both. It just takes the right know-how."

Of course.

"Anyone can have them both. It just takes the right know-how."

"Anyone can have them both. It just takes the right know-how."

"Anyone, daddy?"

"Anyone, son."

"Even me, daddy?"

"Even you, son. It just takes the right know-how. And some decent connections. Heh heh."