Confirmed by none of his high school school classmates, 20-year-old pawn in a pyramid scheme and self-proclaimed entrepreneur Mike Pachowski has definitely almost made his first billion by now. Although he does nothing but store unsold boxes of energy drinks in the boiler room of his parents’ new house they bought for themselves in a premature celebration of their adult son moving out, Pachowski uses his spare time to get ready for his appearance on Millionaire Matchmaker — once they unblock him from their server so he can apply again.

“Mike Pachowski? Yeah, he’s that guy from Eastwood High who voluntarily posts things that make him seem like he’s been hacked. I heard that dude is just 7 lingoids, a double platinum ruby ding dong and 1 billion dollars away from becoming a billionaire,” said junior at Harvard law Seth Scout who wept openly in envy of Pachowski’s success. “I even heard about his company on the news one time. They said something about it being an unethical and illegal scam? I dunno, but I can’t believe that on top of all of his success, he also gets all that fame. That kid’s got it all.”

Unfortunately, not all of Pachowski’s old classmates have the fondest memories of him. 21-year-old international supermodel and world-renowned cardiovascular surgeon Penelope Grand shares that she and Pachowski dated for three years in high school, all as an elaborate way to get close to her to try to sell his first drink. “The first time I told him I loved him, all he said was ‘DM me’ and wouldn’t tell me he loved me until I bought a can of Bullfighter’s Tears™,” Grand sighed while adjusting the sleeves of her Versace coat during the triple bypass heart surgery she was performing. “I couldn’t believe he formed such an intimate relationship with me just to sell me a damn drink. I’ve been used before, but never like this.”

“It’s not a pyramid scheme. I started selling Bullfighter’s Tears™ in my garage; All the greatest business-types started out in their garage. Steve Jobs, Ronald McDonald, Elon Musk - even the Fleshlight guy started with a dingy garage and starry-eyed dream of commodifying the idea of giving up,” said Pachowski before shakily covering his sick tattoo of the Monster Energy Drink logo. “Monster is on its way out. Bullfighter’s Tears™ is the future of crippling taurine withdrawal.” Despite Packowski’s outward enthusiasm, and after spending his entire life savings in a promised return of billions, he has considered ditching the drinks and instead selling himself to some other organization with the group mentality he craves, like scientology or a fraternity.