Michael Ballaban

This year's lucky winner of the Indianapolis 500 will follow in the grand tradition of drenching both their insides, and their outsides, with copious amounts of milk. Most drivers won't accept just any cow juice, however. They can get pretty damn picky.

The Official Keeper Of The Milk, which is not a real title but something I just made up, is the American Dairy Association of Indiana. They ask every driver their delicious white liquid preference before the race begins, just in case they actually end up making it to the winner's circle.