Friday, February 27, 2009

I'm tired, now and most of the time. Scout is napping and I ask myself, what is it that I should do? My body says nap. My mind says, don't even think about it. There is always something more "productive" that needs attention. From sorting clean socks to cleaning up pebbles of cat litter around the box, I have things to do. The thing about nap time is that it's a source of frustration on all fronts.

Scout is in the "I don't ever want to take a nap" phase. At least that's what his little brain believes. And so some days he gently falls asleep in my arms after a book or two, and other days he points to the bedroom door and says, "out." And he means it. So I lay him in the crib and say it's time to sleep. I'll be back in a little while, after you sleep. He cries for a bit, then gives in - usually.

All the experts say, "stick to a regular schedule." Did they ever have children and a life at the same time? My guess is no. If one tries to regain a life with a toddler, they realize it is next to impossible when you stick to a regular schedule. Bees buzz, cars zoom by, and I watch from my window, following the schedule. A free spirit at heart, this goes against my natural unscheduled rhythm. My need to get out at the drop of a hat is squelched by "the schedule."

I'm taking a short vacation in a week, and know that the schedule will go by the wayside. When I return I intend to regain my freedom of movement a bit. My child will sleep when he's tired. We will spend time outside until we're done, and visit the museum and the library - naptime or not. When bedtime comes, as it always does, Scout will stick his little fingers in my bellybutton and close his eyes, and drift off to sleep. And we will have had an adventurous, and perhaps napless, day.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Those of you who know me know that over the last few years I have been granted a "do-over." How many times have you thought to yourself, "I wish I could have a do over." And so I am the lucky one. At least for the most part. What I've learned is that a do-over can be a really great thing. Do-overs allow for mistake correction and the ability to create an "unacceptable list" for your new life.

My do-over is immensely rewarding in many ways, not least of which is my adorable son, who may never have had an opportunity to live here on earth if not for my do-over. I am reconnecting with the snow, which I've loved and lost and love again. I have found my voice again, and I'm able to speak my truth without fear. And I have a really great man in my life who loves me true. He gets it.

On the other hand, there are unforseen risks of which you should be aware. A new start means leaving things behind. For instance, in a charming show of love, I made homemade noodles and chicken soup for my family, but realized my tried and true rolling pin was no longer in my possession. Floating around Houston no doubt, and never used. Owning a rolling pin was never on the unacceptable list (which includes things such as ridiculous arguements, unfounded anger and walking on eggshells), yet it seems to have been left behind. Financial independence, left behind. Regular pedicures, left behind. Writing group, left behind. A sister within driving distance, left behind. I am left wondering if things like rolling pins and writing groups are necessities or if they are simply encumbering and freedom snatching. Mostly I think that these missing little joys can be replaced - but it's not as easy as you may think.

Life is again an adventure. Things that had become rote are no longer routine and every day is new. Just when I thought I knew how to live this life most efficiently and effectively, I am back at the beginning of establishing ground rules, understanding a new family, finding my way here, making new friends and figuring out my place in this world. And the only way to begin is to begin...with a new rolling pin, I think.