In our previous seminal paper: A systematic approach to assess the impact of non-standard names on intelligence quotients (IQ): A retrospective study,
we demonstrated beyond statistical doubt, that piss poor names assigned to
children have a positive and consistent correlation with profound intellectual
deficit. While compounding environmental factors cannot be totally discounted,
it was conjectured that their influence, if any, remains negligible. Also in
our previous paper we pondered whether parental intellectual status may have a
role to play. In accord with the accepted dogma that intelligence is mainly
determined by genetic factors we set out to measure parental IQs of children
endowed with diabolical first names as a means of unearthing hereditary
influences. In this paper we are concerned and consumed to investigate parental
names and their underlying role on the intellectual status of their offspring as
well as the parents themselves. In
addition, it was noted if one (unilateral) or both parents (bilateral) had
sub-normal names.

Methodology

As always, the Tipton census was a
valuable resource and repository for data. Please review our criteria
concerning what constitutes a ‘fucking shit name’. One thousand crap children
names were utilised and exploited during this study. In this way we were able
to identify and extrapolate to parental names and subsequent influences.

Parental names were assigned to one
of three categories as elucidated below:

Category 1. Where both parents are
deemed to be recipients of normal, nice names. Names that require no harsh and
arbitrary judgement by those acquainted with their given names. Names which do
not grate on the sensibilities or categorise the owner as belonging to the
lower strata of the social economic firmament.

Category 2. Where one parent is
endowed with a shit name. Anything reminiscent of weather or real estate ie:
‘Storm’, ‘Rain’, ‘Cloud’, ‘Drizzle' and ‘Turning Out Fine Later In The Day’ is
beyond comprehension. Similarly, Devon, Brittany, Paris, London or Tipton is below
contempt. Furthermore, 'imaginative' spelling and the introduction of
superfluous punctuation is worthy of note in this regard ie Jaxon, Hellzel,
Kartier, I'munique and Ma-kala.

Category 3. The nightmare scenario:
Both parents imbued with diabolical, gut wrenching, teeth clenching, vomit
inducing, eye rolling monikers. Names derived from soap operas or D list celebs
come into this category. For example, Chardonnay, Chontelle/Chantelle, Loshandra,
Eboleisha, LaShaquanishia. It is noted that the latternames in this sequence have ethnic connotations which
may lend an additional contributory compounding effect on intelligence
quotients.

Metanalysis and cross statistical
non-parametric tests where implemented to squeeze the data into any subjective
paradigm which appealed to us at the time of publishing.

Results

Fig1. As can be clearly seen

A strict hierarchical stratification
was clearly observed between the 'categories' outlined above and intelligence
quotients. Even after taking into account subsequent and impinging collateral
environmental modifiers the relationship remained clear and strong. Thus the
lowest parental IQs were revealed for Category 3 parents. In truth, IQ metrics
within this group bordered on those expected in unicellular organisms.

Category 2 parents faired better on
testing however, in concordance with data observed for Category 3, the parent
with the crap name was invariably the partner with the lowest IQ.

In accordance with the observed
sequence it was predicted that parental Category 1 would have the highest IQs
according to ranking. And in this regard we were not disappointed. In fact some
of the parents would be eminently suitable to be employed in the most menial,
dirty and poorly paid of occupations.

Discussion

A distinct and positive correlation
between farcical parent names and resultant IQ has been unequivocally
demonstrated. Our research indicates that parental names directly affect and
impinge on developing IQ which transcends generations. However, we acknowledge
that lip curling names may simply act as a marker fortuitously segregating with
IQ. Other influencing factors, which to date, remain unknown may be responsible
for the observed association. However, that being the case, the factors
influencing the conjoining of the two factors seem unnecessarily complex and
obtuse therefore contradicting Occam's rule of parsimony. Unless evidence
insinuates to the contrary, the theory requiring the least number of assumptions
will be adhered to. There is little doubt that parents bestowing shit names on
their retarded offspring are similarly afflicted. I will be bold and state : Frank
intellectual deficit associates with this parameter and poor name choice is in
some way causative, all else being equal. We further contend that IQ predictions
can be made with a remarkable degree of statistical accuracy by simply reviewing
an individual's name. The influence of environmental factors in this regard is
deemed to be negligible and genetic determinants, paramount. Further research
is warranted to elucidate any further underlying causative mechanisms, if they
exist.

Speculation is rampant concerning
the impact names have on the progression of social and subsequent life quality
parameters. It is predicted that individuals endowed with nice, socially
acceptable names, such as Tom, Emma, Harry, Rose, William and Catherine will enjoy
higher and more sustained positive life experiences than someone named, Watermelondrea, Gaylon, Gaylord, Jaylene
and Candace. Furthermore, we predict that recipients of wealth-fare and state
handouts are more likely to be aggrieved with an incredibly shite name. We
further contend and predict that several generations of the same family,
riddled with poor name 'choices' are also likely to be a burden on the state
and ultimately the poor beleaguered tax payer.

We are aware that our conclusions open up a whole
new vista of research that will occupy the next clutch of Phd students for a
thousand years.......

This research was supported by a grant from the Association for Research and Science into
the Esoteric (A.R.S.E).

Dr Flaxen is currently on long term sabbatical leave
at the Institute for the Terminally Bemused and Befuddled.