Pages

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Dialing 10 Digits To Make A Call

Pat,

Shit is weird. We haven't spoken in so long and even though from time to time I get the urge and the guts to pick up the phone & dial your number I only get as far as dialing the 10 digits never actually going through with executing the phone call. The urge and yearning never come with bad intentions, its honestly just wanting to hear your voice on the other end of that line to ask how you're doing, to ask what you think about Mark Sanchez finally being put to rest, to ask how school is to ask how life is, the simple questions that actually feel like pulling teeth to ask when I'm alone in front of you. The same questions that years ago came so natural no actual thought had to be put behind them. Nowadays I'm a little older and With age has come some wisdom. So never actually pressing that green digital telephone to make the call is what I know is best not just for me but for you as well. I erase the numbers I just dialed with confidence and play out scenarios in my head of how the conversation might've went starting with worst case scenarios first then gradually fantasizing about the perfect conversation in which we talk for hours laughing, catching up & being ourselves. No awkward pauses, no second thoughts or regrets just comfort in one another's voices, and hanging up the phone as friends who respect our past but most of all respect our present to never cross the line and be more than that. This scenario of course is exactly what I aforementioned, just a fantasy. I don't know why after so long I still have the urge to make that phone call or that yearning to have you in my life but it still exists and that scares me. I'm a people hoarder, I have a hard time letting go of people who have once meant so much to me. I can't just take something for what it was and move on, I've struggled with that my whole life, so maybe that is what this is. Anyway, yesterday was really fucking strange. I obviously knew I'd run into you & your family at the party but never would've imagined that it played out the way it did. I can see from a distance how much you've matured and how amazing you are with those girls and I am so fucking proud of you. Honestly when they came up when I was playing with Jay I didn't know what to do from there it was an extremely bizarre situation for me I wanted to just run away, but I don't want to make it anymore awkward than it is for all of us adults. Kids are extremely intuitive if an adult is acting weird around them they're going to sense that so I tried my best to play it cool. The actual point of this letter is to kind of explain myself I just don't want there to be anymore bad blood than there already is I wasn't playing with the girls to be disrespectful to you or Danielle so please don't get the wrong idea. I respect her despite her totally understandable hatred for me but unfortunately we're going to run into this awkward situation for at least once a year for at least 15 more years, due to the actions WE made years ago. So as hard and as awkward as it is and it's going to be I just want to make the best of it. I'm not asking to be friends cause I know that's unreasonable but cordial like it was yesterday benefits all parties involved. This letter is probably totally useless but getting shit down in a letter instead of letting it consume my thoughts really helps me personally so maybe this is a selfish move idk but it's honestly the only thing I could think of to make me feel better about the situation at hand. I miss you as my bestfriend. Sometimes I wonder how life would be in another world if we never took shit to where it was and we remained just friends, dialing those 10 digits wouldn't be such a big deal and we wouldn't have to deal with the awkward encounters and reminders of our fuck ups when we saw one another. Anyway I hope all is well.