The real show should have been on Discovery and called…. “Scott Baio is 45 … and still getting hot ass.” Because to men, that’s the eighth wonder of the world.

He was Chachi, for god’s sakes.

Yet, he’s nailed the hottest women on this planet.

He got Pamela Anderson and Erika Eleniak. Both the hottest women on BayWatch – or should we say, “BaioWatch.”

And he did this with a resume that reads like chick shark repellant.

A Perry Mason movie, a regular on Diagnosis Murder (Yes! That Diagnosis Murder with a silver-haired Dick Van Dyke playing a more refined Quincy), Full House, The Nanny, Touched By An Angel … stop me when I say a TV series that didn’t make your eyes bleed.

You wouldn’t be caught dead on a Hollywood red carpet with this type of actor.

And yet, he remained bullet proof to women.

Let me match the TV show to who Baio was banging at the time.

Full House = Pamela Anderson.

Perry Mason TV movie = Nicolette Sheridan.

Diagnosis Murder = Denise Richards

I mean, these are woman that George Clooney should be chasing.

Chachi???

And here’s the kicker!

On the Howard Stern show, Baio admitted that a Playboy spokeswoman called him in the last 1980s and told him to “slow down” as he was involved with some Playmates that were also involved with Hugh Hefner.

The man is tapping the Hef’s talent pool.

Meanwhile, Aames became a Christian and starred in a series of low-rent Bible Man videos from 1996 through 2001. I’ve seen it. It looks like it was filmed in a high school gymnasium.

BTW: I love this shot. This was teen idol Leif Garrett, apparently, when he was the opening act for Dr. Seuss. What is he? The friggin’ Cat In The Hat.

Screw Leif Garrett. He was a teen pop sensation who had 15 minutes of fame in the 1970s and then has stuck to that like a booger on a finger. No problem with that. Celebrity is hard to give up and there are many still out there who like him. Milk the teets on that cash cow ’til there ain’t no more.
My problem?
It’s not his 2006 arrest on drug charges. Hell, if I was making $10,000 a night at age 17 and found myself working the Wyandotte County Fair 20 years later, drugs would be a part of my daily regiment.
But Garrett has reverted back a generation to the “comb over” to address hair loss.
Dude, you are wearing a friggin’ skull cap with a suit and tie. WTF? You think that is fashionable?
It’s pathetic.
You lost you hair. Deal with it.
The post-Baby Boomer crowd realized the comb over (AKA – the “swirl”; it’s when the hair is swirled over the top of the head until it looks like a pile of dog shit) was just stupid.
We looked to Bruce Willis for the answer – the white man shaven head.

Tell him, “Women are like jobs. Once you start them, you got ’em your whole life. So enjoy your dating unemployment. Because the age 12 to 20 are the only years in life you’ll be eligible to be job/chick free. Some men have two jobs. Some are chronically unemployed. Some have the same job they started at age 18. Some changes jobs over and over their whole life. Some people lose interest in their job as soon as they start it. The point is, just about everyone gets one, so why the rush? Because once it starts, it never ends.”
Then get out a CD with the Meatloaf song, “Paradise By The Dashboard Light.”
My generation grew up listening to this song.
Today’s kids don’t have the attention span to hear the message Meatloaf taught an entire generation – hot ass don’t stay hot, it just stays.
So for this generation’s kids, get to the point.
Forward the CD to the 6:57 mark of the song and hit play:
“I couldn’t take it any longer
Lord I was crazed
And when the feeling came upon me
Like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my God and on my mother’s grave
That I would love you to the end of time
I swore that I would love you to the end of time
So now I’m praying for the end of time
To hurry up and arrive
Cause if I gotta spend another minute with you
I don’t think that I can really survive
I’ll never break my promise or forget my vow
But God only knows what I can do right now
I’m praying for the end of time
It’s all that I can do
Praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you”

Automatically, any man over the age of 35 starts out with a negative two modifier.

What’s a “modifier?”
Look at a woman with big boobs. What do you rate her on a scale to 1-10? Let’s say it’s an 8. Now, rate her without giving considerations to the tits. What is she now? A 6! Breasts are a plus two modifier.

Well, modifiers can work against you.

For men, the worst is unwieldly hair. Unwanted hair on men is the ONE thing women evaluate but NEVER talk about unless prodded. When a female colleague dates a man, it’s the first question I ask, “What was the hair situation?” You’d be shocked how much attention women pay to that.

Seinfeld joked about nose and ear puberty. What the show didn’t cover is the problems it can cause in dating for older men if it is not maintained.

Here’s a few tips:

Nose hair is the most easily manageable. For $15, you can get clippers and get out the nose hair. It should be part of the routine maintenance you give your body.

Eyebrows. Monobrow. Whatever you want to call it, get a pair of tweesers and pull out that “eye hair garden” once every four days. It virtually painless.

Ears. I’ve seen some men who look like they have tumbleweed in their ears. In my office, one attractive woman wondered if a colleague had problems hearing because of it. TRIM THAT! Remember that old commercial of the native American standing on the side of the road seeing all the garbage and crying? You see the stalks of hair coming out of his ear? In some instances, ear hair can be a minus FOUR modifier. I know a woman who rejected a man she met on a dating online system solely because he had what looked to be miniature hands of hair reaching out. Simply put, of all the places unwanted hair can sprout, the ear is single most type that results in a “the deal killer.”

And the hardest to combat? Back hair. I love Law and Order. Want to know a secret of the show? When they want to show a low-class white dude, give him back hair. I’m talking the hair sweater. Most times, that is how you can tell who committed the crime on that show? Which suspect has the most back hair? So what to do? Back hair should be shaved once a day from four inches ABOVE the elbow to the entire shoulder mid-back region. You will eventually be left with two strips of hair in the middle of the back from where you can’t reach. I call it “the hair railroad tracks to nowhere.” It’s the best you can do. It takes a minus four and turns it into a minus one. It’s minimizing your weaknesses.