Thursday, March 1, 2012

Retirement Party Food Fight

After 40 years at the same job, you are finally ready to retire. Your coworkers throw you a party with a cake and ice cream. Everything is going well until the end of the celebration when they ask you to speak. Instead of using this opportunity to thank everyone, you reveal a deep, dark secret about your boss that leads to a massive food fight. W.D.

I arrived at the office to be received by a mob yelling "Surprise!" to the top of their lungs. There were people from all departments, from manufacturing all the way up to the Executive Officers.

The group parted like the Red Sea did for Moses revealing a large table. On it sat a wonderful red velvet cake. I would say it was a beautiful cake but any cake with my face on it cannot be called beautiful. Next to the cake was the ice cream and further left was an assortment of cookies. The group clapped as I admired the table arrangement then suddenly silenced. My supervisor came behind me and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Hey bud!" he said. "How does it feel to be retiring?"

"Feels great Bob." I said with a smile.

He turned and addressed the employees. "Help yourselves to cake and ice cream people. It's time to celebrate.

As the employees ate Bob's secretary handed him a large plaque. He addressed the employees one more time and after reading the inscription on the plaque he shook my hand and handed it to me. I looked at the group, smiling, as flashes of light came from all directions. After he let go of my hand he gestured the employees to be quiet.

"Paul was a great employee and will surely be missed." He said. "Any words of encouragement to your coworkers Paul?"

I waited a few seconds to let the clapping die down before I spoke.

"Thanks for this honor." I said. "I love spending time with all of you and will certainly miss you. What I will not miss is being ignored and worst of all being passed for promotions." I put my hand on Bob's shoulder. "Don't be shy Bob. Why don't you tell them your promotion criteria?" Bob stared at me in silence. "He uses a dart board. Piece of cake!" All of the employees started booing.

Someone threw a piece of cake that landed on Bob's chest. A ball of ice cream came a second later. Bob threw his cake aimlessly towards the employees hitting a table, splattering frosting all over the CEO. The room fell silent as the CEO wiped his suit then picked up his cake and threw it at Bob, hitting him in the face. That was all the employees needed and the massacre began. Cake, frosting, ice cream, and all sorts of flatware flew across the room towards Bob covering him from head to toe.

I picked up the remainder of the cake from the table and crushed it on Bob's face. "This is what I think of you Bob! What we all think of you!"

I walked over to the CEO and shook his hand. "It was a pleasure working for you sir but I think is time to take out the trash."

"I agree," he said. He looked at Bob and in his best Donald Trump impersonation he said, "Bob, you're fired!"