Sunday, January 17, 2010

The only good line in this movie happens about 25 mins in. After driving 3 hours to the town with the strip club (yeah, the entire movie is about 3 guys going to a strip club to sleep with a midget stripper... yeah), they decide to pregame at a local watering hole. They walk in to this crappy bar with nothing going on and one of the guys says:

"It looks like Lane Bryant and Jenny Craig had a knife fight in here."

Other than that, don't waste your time, because I already wasted mine.

Friday, January 15, 2010

(We open in the middle of a discussion between 2 roommates in their apartment.)

Roommate1: "Yeah they were just handing these Snuggies out at work, so I grabbed one."
Roommate2: "Just giving them away huh? Shocking."
"I know. Have you seen the commercials? These things are hilarious. Here, I'm just going to try it on and see what it looks like."
"I'll tell you what it looks like. It looks like you hate yourself. It's kind of like wearing Crocs: comfortable for you, but incredibly uncomfortable for everyone else. What would happen if you wore Crocs with a Snuggie? In the Bible, I believe it's known as The End of Days."

(He puts on the Snuggie)

"Oh man, this is great! So much freedom for the arms. And this open back, it really lets the ass breathe."
"Yeah, you look like you skinned a monk. Also, please don't sit on the couch..."
"I could get used to this."

(Roommate2 leaves to go to bed. The Snuggie sits down on the couch to catch up on some TV.)

(The next morning... Roommate2 wakes up to find the Snuggie still on the couch)

"Are you kidding me? One, you're paying to dry-clean the couch, and two, it smells of sadness in here. What have you been doing the past 7 hours? Are you even going to work today?"
"Watching infomercials mostly. We're going to need to clear up some counter space for the Showtime Rotisserie. Also, Billy Mays says what's up. Well, he didn't really say it, so much as yell it into my brain."
"Wait what? What are you talking about?"
"I think I might work from home today. I'm just so comfortable here. Why haven't I been wearing this my whole life?"
"Because you're not homeless. Speaking of which, have you showered lately?"
"Nah, I will later."

(With a disgusted look on his face, roommate2 heads to work. After a long day, he returns home to find the Snuggie still on the couch, in the same place, watching infomercials while casually eating a bowl of popcorn and sipping tea.)

"Popcorn? You hate popcorn."

(He glaces to the kitchen to see the pile of empty microwave popcorn bags. The sink is full of used tea bags.)

"And tea? You drink tea now? I didn't even know we had tea."
"Yeah, I mean, with these sleeves, my hands are no longer trapped under the blanket. I'm free to enjoy the kind of life normal people have. It's great!"
"And judging by your matted hair and faint, wait, make that strong, smell we are now reaching the 48 hour mark with no washing of any kind?"
"It's just remarkable. Sleeves. In a blanket. Just wow."
"Yeah, I really can't imagine what the person who invented the blanket was thinking. Oh wait, I know: he was probably thinking there's no way the human race will ever be too lazy to uncover themselves when they need to do something with their hands. You sure showed him. This whole thing is really starting to creep me out. I think I'm going to head to bed. You might want to do the same. Your eyes look a little bloodshot."
"Enjoy your life of confinement, the feeling of being trapped, the icy cold air of the night when you have to get up to go to the bathroom."
"Icy? It's 75 degrees in here. Whatever man, I'm exhausted. See ya."

(He goes to bed. His clock strikes 2:37am and a loud noise wakes him up. His eyes open and at his door, he sees his roommate, still in the Snuggie, just standing there, staring at him.)

"What the hell are you doing? How long have you been standing there? Why are you still in that damn Snuggie?"
"You look cold. And those blankets seem to be trapping your arms."

(Roommate2 can feel his blanket getting tighter around his chest. He can't move.)

"Look at how free I am." (He raises his arms to a Christ-like pose) "You want to be free don't you? The Snuggie will set you free. All you have to do is let it in you."

(Roommate2 closes his eyes. He can't believe what he is seeing. When he opens them again, the Snuggie has slipped into the shadows of the apartment. He feels his blanket loosen around his arms. He lays in his bed, shaking, wondering what just happened.)

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Things I want to say to people but haven't yet:

1. Sir, I'm afraid your pants are too tight. No honestly, I am afraid. For your life, and the life of your unborn children. I've seen wet suits roomier. Your balls have got to be packed in there tighter than hippies at a Phish concert. When, or if, you take them off, it must be like peeling an unripened orange. I bet it's got the same ending too: sore thumbs and sticky hands.

2. Sir, your breath smells as if a dog has been using your toothbrush to take its temperature for the past 6 years.

3. Sir, I've never met you before, but the way you walk makes me want to cut myself. Seriously, I need your name so that when I slit my wrists tonight, I have something to write on the bathroom mirror.