Saturday, October 03, 2009

Why can't I ever be happy where I am?

I miss what I already have and I surround myself with things that are missing.

It's hard to sleep without you here, but it's nice to care about someone enough to miss them so much.

I got a letter in the mail today from Matthew. It's nice to be reminded that your friends still care about the things you care about and they are still thinking of you even though they aren't calling you up to tell you every time it happens. We talked last night about how it was sad to see people you might have thought you missed just to find them caught up in the same bullshit you left months ago. And today I read a poem about what we built falling to pieces, about what was ours being taken away. It was a slow invasion, but it sure worked. It's hard to say but maybe if we had claimed what was ours that town would still be our town and that house would have been our home.

There is only one state in between Illinois and Ohio. And New Hampshire is right next to Massachusetts, but right now I'm in Florida and he is in North Carolina. I'm at least three states away from everyone I love.

1. You were what I was missing when I had everything else.

2. Now I'm missing everything else.

I can pin point every goddamn thing that bothers me and I feel completely helpless because I know exactly how to change it and I'm just not doing it.

You and I could be anywhere, I just wish anywhere wasn't here.

Today was the first time I hung out with someone in this town without alcohol there. I thought it was nice and they thought it was boring. Why can't I ever be happy where I am?

Things I find to be annoying:

1. Bug bites

2. People who feel like they need to be drunk all the time.

3. People who pride themselves on that.

4. When my dog won't go to the bathroom when we're outside and I know she has to go.

5. Asking "Are you hiring?"

6. When people don't pick up after themselves.

It's been too hot to do anything besides sit in the living room and I'm too busy thinking all the time that I never have the time to actually stop and think. What am I doing? Where do I want to go? And what's the best way to get there?