Feb 14, 2018

I had an appointment today with the clinical psychologist who serves as the director of Harborview Mental Health & Recovery Services. He said yes, approximately 1 in 50 are in fact considered good candidates for self medicating ADD diagnosis instead of considered meth addicts. Having no criminal record nor history of emergency room visits due to overdosing, the fact I'm 42 with all my teeth and don't look like the typical user and maintain a perfectly reasonable cognitive level and regular meal & rest schedule makes me a candidate. I was right! I didn't give up on myself because I knew there was a better option than absolute abstinence until eventual frustrating relapse occurrence when I would finally decide that my will was to do the things I am capable of instead of be a helpless spectator. Neither were good for my self esteem but I determined I was happier when I am productive and would just have to accept the loneliness as drug use is a relationship deal breaker says everyone including people who are bipolar, alcoholics, Ducati addicts without internal organs from racing wrecks.. whatever! Everyone thinks they are the exception to being able to judge poor impulse control behavior and it's impossible for someone under demon drug possession to carefully assess their own situation to come to an unpopular conclusion that might actually be true and 100% valid. To all the haters and the ex who conveniently used the excuse instead of admitting to his serial situation:

Dec 25, 2015

I don't buy the disease model. Addiction as a permanent lifelong disease you'll never get rid of, which is what they tell you in rehab, is the most futile self perpetuating crock of shit I've ever heard! That's like a mother raising her child by saying "it's okay, honey. you didn't know any better" over and over to the same behavioral issue. The kid grows up to tell his boss he didn't know it's not okay to piss in someone's cheerios, does that make it okay? No. I believe addicts are stuck in this same quagmire of super negative social stigma coupled with criminal associations thanks to the "war on drugs". Reagan's backwards propaganda was every bit as effective as would have been a "war on dogs" would have been on house breaking puppies. Would you shoot a puppy for pooping on the carpet? Then don't shoot a fucking unarmed black kid!!! I digress ~

The problem is where you see in this chart below the "frustration" or anxiety and also the "shame" parts of the cycle are always there with or without using the substance. You know what's caused me to relapse every time? People assuming I'm using when I'm not so I suddenly think why be so miserable with the struggle if everyone assumes I'm using anyway?! That's right, you my friends, don't have the slightest will to want to help. Nobody does! They all want you to be more of a disaster than they are so they continue to stigmatize you long after you're well into recovery. I was clean for a year and a half when I had this wannabe nemesis go spreading it around that I'm a tweaker.. suddenly people who have known you for YEARS and never even suspected NOW look at you differently.

"Oh.. you're one of those! I never would have hung out with you if I had known you were one of those."

I actually had this woman who I use to see black out drunk begging for cocaine at every single party while I was just my usual norm say that to me word for word after I told her I quit, I use to do that... Damned forever and nothing you can do about it, yeah? Well, then.. Fuck it! Doesn't even God forgive us for our sins but not drunk punk rock girl, nor boss man, nor ex best friends, definitely not the cops so whiskey tango foxtrot...--------------------Hey, I know the solution.. How about an infographic?*!*?*! Yeah, that fixes everything:

The following video is precisely what I've been saying for years! Screaming, and crying, and humbly begging to be heard and understood.. My favorite is there's a "harm reduction" principle that's catching on slightly or slowly at least as far as heroin is concerned where the thought is give the addict prescription methadone rather than have them doing black market bought imported by global terrorist organizations and the Mexican Mafia is one of those as well so that at least the addict is not adding crime and those risks along with the health problem. But then there's the disease model that says an addict will do or say anything to get high and has no mind for self care or harm reduction or healthy lifestyle like he's just a zombie saying "drugggzzz?". Because no addict ever used a drug or substance to self medicate themselves ever and if doctors were willing to treat the initial problem then there is a very good chance that the addict will recover because there's no longer the problem that had them turning to illegal street criminal or should we say enemy combatant supplied medications. You can be a 10 year old kid with a minor behavior problem and will get spoon fed ADHD l-amphetamine but if an adult using the exact same thing for lack of focus, motivation, sleep problems due to performance anxiety, depression etc says they would really like to remove the horrible stigma and rejoin the good ole system of society by switching to a once a day pill instead of the pipe ~

"NO! You're an addict! You must suffer and be stigmatized the rest of your life as a failure so you will fail over and over and over...."

Why?

"Because we like to feel superior and your need for medication is different from our thyroid pill, or our diet coke, or coffee, or sugar etc. We want to brand you bad so we don't feel fat or diabetic because it's not our fault, we didn't know any better..."

"The opposite of addiction is not sobriety, the opposite of addiction is connection."

Apr 14, 2014

Wow! That made me tear up a bit. I feel privileged. I'm a spoiled white girl who grew up in the suburbs and still gets help from her parents. But as a female who's been raped, grew up pagan in the bible belt, battled with addiction, worked in the service industry my whole adulthood, I'm not a an utter over privileged spoiled fucking brat! How about that...

Know Thyself! ~

You live with 28 out of 100 points of privilege.

You’re not privileged at all. You grew up with an intersectional, complicated identity, and life never let you forget it. You’ve had your fair share of struggles, and you’ve worked hard to overcome them. We do not live in an ideal world and you had to learn that the hard way. It is not your responsibility to educate those with more advantages than you, but if you decide you want to, go ahead and send them this quiz. Hopefully it will help.

Feb 3, 2012

Letter to the Washington State Health Care Authority (HCA) who only recognizes five formulations of medications in the treatment of addictions: Suboxone, buprenorphine, Campral, naltrexone and Vivitrol IM.

Dear HCA,

I would like to request or suggest that Buproprian be added to the list of recognized for use in Medication Assisted Treatment of cocaine, methamphetamine (MA), and nicotine addiction. ADATSA (Alcoholism and Drug Addiction Treatment and Support Act) is currently stifled by the fact that patients enrolled have to apply for additional Medical assistance after already waiting a month for their ADATSA assessment and benefits to go into effect because their chemical dependency is considered a behavioral problem. One of the reasons why MA use has escalated to an epidemic of epic proportions is this ill conceived notion that it is only a psychological addiction instead of a physical one. The difference between a psychological and physically addictive substance is the primary organ effected by it's use, heart or brain. Psychological addictions are not overcome by coaching an addict to think differently because the substance does not alter their brains by merely coaxing them to behave badly. MA profoundly alters the chemistry of the brain effecting the whole central nervous system! Just because a person can technically still be alive without brain function opposed to clinically dead if their heart stops which is the risk of ceasing opiate and alcohol intake, does not mean that the person has any less of a problem! If pharmaceuticals can treat or reduce the damage caused to a stimulant user's brain then they should be every bit as available since they suffer an increased debilitation in function if prolonged. Opiate users only confront their fear of a periodic painful discomfort trying to stop opposed to an unaided, involuntary lack of control of their decisions. The brain is complex chemistry, the heart is only a muscle...