One Year Ago Today…

I like to flip back in my journal to see what I was doing “on this day” one year ago and reflect on what’s changed and what hasn’t changed. When I read the entry for November 12, 2014, I felt very nostalgic for my younger self and kind of amazed at where I am now compared to 365 days ago. It seems like such a long time ago, but I clearly remember lying in bed writing those words. I wanted to share it with you because I think it’s proof of how much can change in a year and how you really can do the things you want to do if you set your mind to it.

November 12, 2014I haven’t really been home lately. Monday night I was at Karina’s, tonight I am at Omi’s, and tomorrow I am at Karina’s again. It feels a little strange not being home, but not as strange as I thought it would be. It makes me a little sad because I thought I would miss it more.

I’m a little confused with my life right now, to be honest. I’m enjoying it, I really am, and yet…I feel trapped. I feel like a lion pacing back and forth in a cage that is too small.

I like walking across the bridge in the morning and feeling the cold wind kiss my cheeks. I like the icy blueness of of the sky and the way the colours of the trees never cease to amaze me.

I like wondering about the lives of people I see when I walk to work. I like how the city lights brighten the world at night and how I fall asleep looking at the moon. I like watching the sun illuminate the city when I wake up at Karina’s and I like staring out the window when I’m on the bus, losing myself in thought.

I like the coziness of Omi’s house and the Christmas decorations she’s already put up. I like watching old black and white movies with her and I like how the picture of Opi still makes me tear up when I see it because it just shows how much I love him.

This is my life right now – and I’m happy…I just feel that there is so much more to the world than what I am experiencing. I want to see things that STARTLE me and MOVE me. I want to communicate with people who don’t speak English and I want to taste different cultures. “I WANT ADVENTURE IN THE GREAT, WIDE SOMEWHERE! I WANT IT MORE THAN I CAN TELL.”

To me, getting a full time job and my own place seems an awful lot like settling down – and I don’t want to settle down yet. I want to jump to my feet and run like the wind, my feet hitting the pavement with boundless energy. I’m not sure what that means yet in terms of execution. All I know is that I am not going to live in Vancouver for the rest of my life without first getting a taste for other cities, and cultures, and people. I think this is one of those important moments in my life – one of those moments when you have to listen to that voice inside of you or you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.

“Every now and again, you will get a dull ache in your soul. A gentle humming around your heart. A longing for something without a name. If I ever told you to obey anything, this would be it. Listen to the call of your authentic self. That part of you that lives just outside your own skin. Let it have its way with you. I have died 100 times trying to ignore it.”
-Mia Hollow

I don’t understand why anyone would want to clip my wings when all I want to do is spread them as wide as they can possibly go. I want to experience the world in every season, meet new characters, walk down romantic roads in Germany. I want to do all of these things and more and I will not, I promise you, let anyone or anything stop me.

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Kazandra is probably not that different from you. She eats, sleeps,and wonders about how to make the most of this life. This blog is dedicated to the trials and triumphs she has experienced in the process of growing up in her quest to find meaning, connection and happiness.