Author Archive

The first Open house for Beginners and Practitioners was off to a good start with 2 people who were beginners for this style of meditation but practiced other styles of meditation. A summary of their feedback is posted below.

My purpose in joining this group

– To learn new meditation techniques to help me with stress and sleep
– Learn to meditate in a more effective way

– Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness by Sharon Salzberg $7
– An End to Suffering: The Buddha in the World Paperback by Pankaj Mishra $4
– Crucial conversations by Kerry Paterson & others $8

One member came though it was snowing and said he didn’t want to let down others who RSVP’D. It was so nice of him. Two others cancelled the RSVP in advance.

What did we do?

– Reviewed the practice after the last meetup

– Meditated sitting in chairs on cushions to effortlessly maintain an erect posture, using the segment mode, for about 30 minutes and then chanting ‘May we all be happy silently’ once at each segment completing two hands. During the chanting visualized the images of people in the immediate vicinity, then family, coworkers, extended family members and so on, expanding the coverage wider and wider, as the time permits. The goal is to extend the good wishes to one and all including those we don’t like.

– At the end, massage all over the head, neck and shoulders using one hand at a time.

– Then CS (Organizer) demonstrated the movements of ‘Stretching for beginners’ as shown in the video posted in ‘countingbreaths.com’ (1). This stretching is to follow the morning meditation to prepare the body for action during the day. It also develops body awareness, supplementing breath awareness.

Suggestions from CS

To improve sleep: Before lying down, empty the mind by downloading the swirling thoughts on to a paper. Make two columns – one titled “Worries and Goals’ and the second titled ‘Plans’. Post all the thoughts into the respective columns. This would free the mind. After lying in the bed, as soon as one desires to sleep, practice the ‘Segment mode’ non-stop to automatically fall asleep.

– To bring lying or sitting meditation into the daily routine, set an alarm 30 minutes before the current waking up time. Use this newly created free time to practice meditation either lying in the bed or sitting on the chair or floor. Morning meditation will make a big impact on daytime stress. After the meditation practice becomes a daily habit, prepone the alarm by 15 minutes and practice the stretching routine also.

– On weekends, allot at least 45 minutes to practice meditation and stretching.

– Meetup for all levels: We talked about setting up another meetup for potential Beginners and Practitioners who are not able to come on Tuesdays. The second Saturday of the month from 2 to 3.30 was considered a good time. I invite other members to comment on this proposal. If no comments are received by 1/24/18, I will go ahead and announce as above.

Summary of his feedback

My purpose in joining this group

– Rewind and review the practice, release the stress and reclaim control of my emotions and reactions.

I offered the 18th seminar at East Greenbush Community Library (1) on Jan 10, 2018 from 6.30 to 8.30 pm. Attended by 7 women and 4 men. A folder containing my key handouts and testimonials was given to each participant (2), (3).

Summary of the Feedback

I will practice this technique for my (concern)

Stress and Sleeping

For stress reduction, Improved sleep, Improved quality of life and health

Stress, Falling asleep

Getting back to sleep

Sleep

Sleep,Tension

Stress, Learning to relax

Relaxation, Relieve stress

General Stress reduction

My ‘Take home’ points

Practice breathing

Learn to relax

Practice for six months, Breathe through nose and counting

Focus of breathing to relax

Breathing meditation based on counting, Practice when you have time anywhere

Testimonials – 2017(2)
“Blessed to have you in my life” (3)
*** “From a From a ‘Human Doing’ to a ‘Human Being’” (4) ***

Who said Meditation is difficult? (5): Counting breaths meditation is different and ideally suited for beginners who want to meditate routinely. It doesn’t demand time or posture, appeals to all and offers assured benefits. Begin humbly and step up at your own pace.

Falling asleep:‘Count your breaths’ at bedtime to calm your mind by reducing the flow of thoughts and enjoy good quality sleep (6). You will like its doability and usefulness.

Daytime: ‘Focus on a few breaths’ when the mind wanders like when waiting at the red light, driving on a highway, standing in a line and walking. Sporadic but frequent micro meditations will lead to spontaneous meditations in a few months (7)! Enjoy multiple benefits for Mind, Body and Relationships (8).

Try ‘Lying meditation’ when not in a rush: On waking up in the bed, returning from work or weekends, for 20 – 30 minutes and more. You will be impressed with its healing impact on mind and body (9). Regular meditation prevents building up stress and also dissolves theroots of recurring stress (10).

Programs

Monthly ‘meetup’ groups for Beginners and Practitioners (1)
Six monthly seminars on at the East Greenbush Library (11)
Solo classes by appointment (12)

Select Books on ‘Relationships’

Myself and my clients have immensely benefited from the insights and practical suggestions in the books by Susan Forward, Mark Goulston, Kerry Patterson, Adele Faber and Karl Pillemer, Harriet Lerner, Gary Chapman, Harriet B. Braiker and more (13). You too may like them.

I thank you for your patient reading and welcome your comments and suggestions. Have a nice day and a happier year ahead.

This is the story of an anguished Mom whom I mentored over 4 months to help her reestablish the broken connection with her teenage daughter who was engulfed in frequent cycles of intense, and nearly debilitating emotional suffering at a very crucial time in her life (1). After aggressively trying so many other ways, which were proven ineffective in resolving her various family problems, up against a brick wall, her desperation lead her to be open to modalities of healing from any source. She trusted me enough to try out a multipronged approach of healing. Whatever I suggested and when found useful, she made it a part of her practice. She was a voracious reader and tried to evolve herself in spite of the prolonged traumatic life experiences. She was so primed and ready to leap to a higher level that with a little spark, understanding, emotional support and a few directional arrows she could come out of the mental hell she was in. On my request, she described her journey during which she used many resources. Her writing talent shows up. I am yet to see another client of her nature. I hope this description inspires others. I added the numbers in brackets and linked notes with related information.

One remarkable feature of this case is that though the daughter was supposed to be the dysfunctional one to be fixed, I never got to even see her or talk to her. I worked only with the mom and when she changed, the daughter’s behavior changed! This proves the saying “When I change the World changes.”

Here is her story.

” Before My Journey Started
My mind was constantly busy. I could not shut off my mind. I was never at peace even when I was sleeping. Waking up first thing in the morning, my mind was already at full speed, while still laying in bed. Many useless thoughts, negative thoughts, constantly analyzing the same things over and over again. At times it felt like there were loud screaming monkeys in my head. Pema Chodron uses the term “gibbering monkey” (2) . Eckhart Tolle uses the term “incessant thoughts”. Anger, despair, frustration, impatience dominated the state of my mind and emotion (3). The most frightening part was that I wasn’t fully conscious of my reactive emotions.

It all started with a typical story of a single parent trying to do the “right” thing, to launch their college bound child to the future. I thought I followed suggestions from teachers and guidance counselors. I thought I was doing the same things most other parents do. In the midst of teen dating, teen anxiety and depression, full time job, a household to run, and another younger child to take care of, things didn’t go well. Parental encouragements were perceived by my children as pressure. College application process did not progress all through Summer and Fall. Family dinner became a rare occasion, a life situation worse than marriage dissolution. I was on the verge of losing my relationship with my child. Coming home from work at times felt dreadful. If only one could go to an electronic store and purchase a remote control that could turn the mind on and off!

Then CS Came Into My Life
A friend referred me to the man who teaches people how to count breaths, CS (short for Suryanarayana Chennapragada) (4). I had nothing to lose by spending one session with him. On the other hand, what can you expect out of a guy who teaches you how to count breaths? (5). The first lesson I learned from him: “HAVE NO EXPECTATIONS”. After learning my background and evaluating my disposition, CS suspected that all of us, my kids and I, suffered from some sort of trauma. There are a few methods of therapy for trauma using talk therapy but they take too many years. Our experience of talk therapy for my children post divorce with 4 other previous therapists only took care of some of the symptoms but never got to the root cause of the problems, something I kept asking these therapists. None of them gave me clear answers. None recommended me to get help with therapy for myself. None even mentioned the word trauma at all! CS was the first person who mentioned the word trauma and strongly recommend that I build some solid emotional foundation for myself. That was a prerequisite to enable me to effectively help and support my children’s effort to become emotionally and psychologically healthy and strong.

EMDR
I took up his suggestion in pursuing EMDR therapy based on his reading and understanding of EMDR (6). I went on and sought help in this therapy about which I never heard of, administered by an EMDRIA certified therapist, as quickly as I could. Well, finding one locally in Albany who would take insurance, has availability for the proper age, pronto, was impossible. It sometimes takes a few trials and errors to find a therapist with matching chemistry, the right fit. I finally found a therapist for myself on self pay. With her exceptional and amazing psychotherapy skills, she administered the first EMDR session on me after 3 evaluation and preparatory visits. The EMDR therapy helped me jump start rewiring my brain in forming a new habit of processing life situations and regulating my emotions. It’s all scientific. It’s biology, yet it feels like a miracle. Based on my experience, I think EMDR is a catalyst. There are many schools of thoughts among certified EMDRIA therapists. With insights into this field, CS helped me evaluate and assess the quality of the therapy throughout the entire process, a very important factor in our healing efforts due to the amount of time and cost commitment.

As miraculous as it sounds, EMDR is not a silver bullet. It does help dig up and dissolve thick layers of unrealized, painful memories lodged improperly in our brain. But life goes on filled with events, situations, moments that need to be dealt with, many can be quite unpleasant. At this point in my life, parenting is the most challenging endeavor I have to take on. I spent the majority of my life fighting for good education, good career, relationship, marriage, and child rearing to prove my self worth. Though it did bring many good fortune to our lives, it wasn’t for free. I suddenly realized the long term cost of the good fortune: lack of inner peace and serenity in everyone in my family. Since the birth of my first child, I’ve always identified myself as a Mom. Well, a roaring machine would’ve been a more accurate description of my old self.

The Beauty of ‘Meditation on Breathing’
We apply the practice of physical care to our daily lives for better mental hygiene and stronger immunity. When we are sick, we go to the doctor to get help to get better. Our mental wellness needs the same amount of care. Dalai Lama uses the term mental immunity. Daily practice is the keyword. My daily practice of breathing meditation turned out to be one way I nurture my mental hygiene. The beauty of the breathing meditation that I learned and practiced is that you don’t have to dedicate a huge block of time which is the stumbling block for most aspirants like me. There is no pressure on my schedule, and I don’t feel like I ever miss a day of meditation. I can do it throughout the day (7). Some days I can only afford 10 minutes before bedtime. I started forming a habit of snagging the few seconds or minutes of focusing on breathing while walking, while driving, warming up my lunch in the microwave, etc. CS cleared out so many misconceptions around the meditation practice that brought me back to his page “Who said Meditation is difficult? (8). To sum it up: no pretzel legs required, don’t strive for anything, drop the word “should”, no formality, all casual.

Getting It Off My Chest by Writing
James Pennebaker discovered the connection between expressive writing and wellness (9). I discovered that expressive writing, as encouraged by CS, had been a useful tool in helping me navigate through my emotion and help me gain clarity on the true reality of my experiences. Writing letters to my children to address some critical issues is a powerful and effective tool I used to connect and reach out to them at a much deeper level. Writing emails or texting with CS about updates of the healing work we did apparently was also therapeutic. It gives me a sense of cleansing work. Ideas keep pouring out as I type. Of course not everything I typed made it out of my mobile device, so for those who don’t find it easy to open up about their personal and emotional struggles to others, expressive writing is worth trying. Yes, the books recommend that you use paper and pen, but for so many reasons, those prerequisites would just give me another excuse for why I won’t feel like doing it. Improvise, make it easy. We are all busy.

Audio Books
I started reading a few self-help books a few years ago. Having a coach like CS adds another dimension and depth into my understanding and ability to apply the concepts I learn from these books. No, I do not have time to sit down and enjoy good readings. Thank goodness for modern technology and CS’s persistent encouragement, I’m hooked on audiobooks now. I look forward to driving nowadays as I use the precious time alone for listening to audiobooks and focusing on breathing. Today, I have more than 15 audio books in my library (10). It is amazing how thirsty my mind is for good life lessons on nurturing and healing our emotional pain and suffering.

Parenting Skills
For the first time in my life, I have someone teaching me parenting skills. A luxury I never thought of even wishing to have since both my parents were deceased before my first child turned three. CS stayed by my side through frequent dialog via phone calls, text, and emails, as I could not find time for counseling visits. A fundamental lesson I learned is to understand the true meaning and the misconceptions around the term unconditional love and boundaries. Applying all of these with compassion makes a difference in supporting my children’s struggles and efforts to navigate through many aspects of their life challenges. Raising successful individuals which could generate lots of stress and anxiety is no longer my goal of parenting. Helping my children with increased awareness to develop into wholesome individuals is the new goal.

Spirituality
Many of us are skeptics when it comes to the notion of spirituality. We associate it with the metaphysics world, or even religion. Those of us who were raised in Western education environments cling to the idea of scientific proof. Well, there have been an explosion of scientific research activities all over the world on the neuroscience of breathing meditation; which I could have cared less about, except that the result of my own practice proved some of the theories drawn as conclusions from this research. In the very short period of time, I have had exposures to the fields of neuropsychology, quantum physics, the science of meditation, and the anatomy of human mind and emotions. I found newer and deeper meanings in the words compassion, hope, love, and many others.

The Transformation
Fast forward 4 months. some of my friends, and my own children noticed the change in me. Calmer, happier, more mellow, are the words I heard which were used to describe the ‘New me’. One used the word light and floating. CS described me as a ‘tigress’ on the first day he saw me. “You can’t change others, but you can change how you respond to others” was one of the first lessons I learned from him. There is a good chance that others will change in response to your changes. Sure enough my children are changing with me.

The journey has just begun. Glimpses of inner peace and serenity started appearing more and more throughout my days. The thick, heavy blanket of toxic emotion has started to lift off, little by little. “Light”, as in ‘”not heavy”, is the closest word I can think of to describe how I feel nowadays. Sure, frustration and disappointments are inevitable but I can now stop the emotional flow from turning into anger. The need to seek help from my therapist on a weekly basis starts to wind down. I am becoming more and more capable of dealing with challenges in my life with grace.

Today, my children and I are travelling together on the path of recovery to healthier relationships through collective awareness. I realize that this is a life long learning process. Having a person with such positive vibes who models compassion alongside of me makes learning so much more effective and fun!

CS may not give you the straight answers to every life problem you face. However, I receive many pointers as listed above, as well as suggestions on readings about and using essential oils. One time I unintentionally called him GPS! He stated the teachers are literally everywhere. All around us, at any given moment, ready for us to learn our life lessons. Some attribute this quote to the Buddha: “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”.

Are You Ready?

Mom V2.0 ”

(1) The daughter was an accomplished teenager with high achievements in academic, sports, music, and art. With more than a decade of dysfunctional family condition riddled with hostility and violence that ended up in her parents divorce, she developed into an unhappy adolescent full of anxiety, depression, and phobias. The habit of coping mechanism through emotional shutdown cause her to fail to see and appreciate acts of love and kindness. She trusted no one in her life, and animosity toward everyone in the family was very strong.
(2) Pema Chodron
(3) Eckhartt Tolle
(4) Programs
(5) Focusing on breathing
(6) EMDR
(7) Daytime practice
(8) Who said Meditation is difficult?
(9) James Pennebaker
(10) My List of Inspiring Authors and Books

This is an uncomfortable topic. The goal of this article is to break the silence on the abusive behavior of family members. I consider mentally or physically abusive behavior to be a symptom of an unhealthy mind. I am presenting a case of abuse which had tragic consequences to open the topic for discussion.

Let us examine our unscientific approach towards abusive behavior. Looking back into history, we know that devastating diseases like cholera, smallpox and polio have been brought under control worldwide, not by labeling them as bad but by scientifically investigating their causes and developing effective antidotes. We see daily news articles on how to maintain good physical health by following healthy practices for diet, exercise, sleep and stress. We discuss physical ill health without inhibition. But in stark contrast, we avoid talking about mental health issues. Even when we see the victim’s physical and/or emotional suffering first hand, we stick to the dysfunctional attitude of “Don’t talk about that person’s cruel behavior”. Emotional abuse, domestic violence and other hurtful behaviors drain the self esteem, scar the minds and may even lead to suicide of the victims. Worst of all, the children exposed to such violence are at risk of adopting the hurtful behavior as they grow up, passing on the legacy of abuse to future generations. Such behaviors do not magically disappear by our looking away and being silent.

Are we not proud of the amazing developments achieved in science, technology and healthcare by adopting a fearless, scientific and innovative approach? I wonder what blocks us from dealing with mental health issues in a similar manner. We owe it to ourselves and our children, to break free from the current culture of silence and passivity over abusive behavior in families.

The sad story of my cousin Venkat

The names of the people in this article have been changed. These are my recollections of the events as a 12 year old at that time. Our family and the families of my elder and younger uncles lived under one roof as a joint family. My widowed grandmother did all the actual cooking on wood fire, in a smoke filled low roof kitchen. As per the custom at that time, she cooked strictly after taking her bath with nothing but a white wet cloth wrapped around her. Her three daughter-in-laws took care of the other chores.

My elder uncle Krishna and my aunt Sarala had only one child, a son named Venkat who was six years at that time. My uncle was very kind, soft spoken and religious. He did his morning puja every day, sitting before the puja mandir and offering flowers to the deities. His favorite God was Hanumanji. He passed Visarada exam in Hindi from Banaras Hindu University. Sarala, his wife was skilled and did her chores meticulously. She took good care of her only child Vankat by feeding him timely, flawlessly dressing him up and neatly combing his hair. She was famous for her sharp tongue and short temper. Everyone carefully avoided triggering her anger.

As it happens with some children of that age, Venkat would sometimes fight with another boy and beat him up. Occasionally, the mother of the beaten up boy would visit our house and complain to my aunt. Every time a mother complained, my aunt would instantly fly into a rage and mercilessly beat up her son Venkat, in the presence of everyone. On more than one such occasion, I heard my aunt curse her son with the unspeakable words “You are a curse for me. I wish you were dead putting an end to my misery!”. It was painful to hear a mother say such words to her son. But none of the other elders in the joint family dared to counsel or confront my aunt to discourage such hurtful words and cruel beatings.

When my father changed his job and moved to another town, I met the other two families only on special occasions like marriages. After I moved far away on employment, I came to know about my uncle’s family only through my family.

Venkat did his graduation in Arts and worked as the medical assistant for a local doctor, earning a small salary. He became a drug addict and used injectable drugs. My aunt yielded to his demands for money though she knew he was using it to feed his addiction. My uncle was a helpless spectator with no voice in this serious matter. He died in his sixties, earlier than his younger brothers. Vankat died in his forties, unmarried. My aunt, the sole survivor of the family, adopted a relative adult boy who lost his parents and lived with him in another town, making him the heir to her modest assets. She died in her seventies.

Please review this case with an open mind. Was not Venkat born as innocent as the other children in the joint family? What life experiences compelled him to seek out drugs and get addicted to them unlike the rest of the children? Who was responsible for shaping him in the wrong manner? In my opinion, my aunt’s physical and emotional abuse got etched in the heart of her six year old son. Probably whenever the painful memory of his own mother humiliating him in public, even wishing for his death haunted him, he drowned it in drugs, ultimately leading to his premature death. I think the passivity of my uncle and other adults in the joint family allowed my aunt’s abusive behavior continue unchecked. Had other adults intervened with guts and skill, Venkat might have lived a normal life like the other children in the joint family.

I have known abusive people among parents, grandparents, spouses and children. I invite the readers, especially the mental health professionals to offer their comments and suggestions for resisting and preventing abusive behavior of family members.

Why am I sharing my experience?

I have known competent people from teens to seventies suffer in silence due to abusive behavior of family members. After I read some wonderful books and gained insights, I could deal with such people successfully and also helped a few sufferers. I would like to create awareness about this hush-hush problem. When we share such problems and discuss them openly, we can develop healthy solutions to put an end to the suffering. One golden rule is “You can’t change the behavior of other people. But you can certainly choose YOUR RESPONSE to their behavior.”

People distressed by past or present abusive parental behavior may look into the book “Toxic parents – Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life” By Susan Forward Ph.D. She authored several books on relationships (1).

Latha (name changed) was severely affected by insomnia. A brief background about our association: She worked with me for a few years in the company I worked for in India when she was in her twenties. She was sincere, hard working and smart. Her husband who also worked with me sought my help for her insomnia. I worked with her by email and whatsapp calls. We managed to be in touch, in spite of the time difference between USA and India. On my request she sent this testimonial.

“Thank you so much for your time to help me with my insomnia (1). It is almost 10 months now that and I must say that being guided by you every moment with your regular follow ups has helped me get better by at least 80%.

Post counseling sessions from you, I learnt and practiced the following

2. Handling stress: Being mindful of the thoughts and penning down the same on a piece of paper for a thought free sleep! (3)

In addition to this, I am back with my Isha kriya, Yoga and Walking too (4).

I believe that any association during one’s life adds meaning and this is what our almost 2 decades of association has done. Added meaning to my life! Blessed to have you in my life. You helped us grow professionally and personally too.

I assure you that I shall continue to practice and overcome the problem completely!

The first ‘Practitioners’s meetup’ was off to a good start with 3 people in attendance. A summary of the feedback is posted below.

My purpose in joining this group

– Review and reinforce focus on breathing practice and learn new ideas, also remind anything I have lost.
– Peace of mind, Better health
– To take advantage of the energy of a group – together for the same purpose.

Today’s ‘Take home’ ideas

– Positive affirmations
– Tongue tip positioning to relax the lips and jaws, Sitting on a pillow to keep the back in a healthy posture, Yoga
– Chanting “May we all be happy” on the out-breath, Sitting posture, Tongue tip positioning, Keeping the resting hand fingers in the meditation finger lock.

Overall evaluation of the session

– Very useful 2
– Useful 1

Suggestions for the future

– Explain more on improving relationships
– Dim the lights if possible? (Organizer’s response: My apology for not taking care of this aspect though it was pointed in the last meetup. I have made a special note for the next meetup.)