tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78855985415328054272015-09-16T22:24:49.596+01:00The Superfluous BloggerA blog that will either inspire you to do great things or evil things. Who is to know, who is to say?The Superfluous Bloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245813501484871279noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885598541532805427.post-48884605973679629882013-02-19T22:27:00.003+00:002013-02-19T22:27:48.009+00:00victims of wood floor violenceonce upon a time, there lived a kindly, sporty couple, deep in the woods. Gertrude (a world famous gymnast) and Akebono Bodenturnen (a world famous sumo wrestler) were two highly successful athletes who trained in the peace of the forest. <br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4nTjzdVPANg/USK_6Ouk4nI/AAAAAAAAAPM/g_UUAP9RwVw/s1600/Gymn+girl+sumo+manx.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="226" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-4nTjzdVPANg/USK_6Ouk4nI/AAAAAAAAAPM/g_UUAP9RwVw/s400/Gymn+girl+sumo+manx.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />one day, Gertrude took a sip of her performance-enhancing drink that absolutely everyone in the sport drinks (aka 'the lance armstrong rationale'), then turned to Akebono, and said "we should have a child, for who shall look after our crippled bodies when we turn 40 and are too old to compete in our respective sports?" Akebono nodded his approval - he'd always wanted to have a son to raise in the ways of sumo.<br /><br />and so they had a son, Hans. Hans was a fine boy, but he was a normal boy. this disappointed his parents, both of whom wanted a sports star like they were, to carry on the family sporting line. but as time went on, it was obvious Hans was only interested in one thing: pretzels. <br /><br />he made pretzels from dawn to dusk, until even his fingers were in knots. eventually, he had to go out to the not-so-nearby towns selling his pretzels, as the house had become full of them; his parents just couldn't eat them fast enough, and, living deep in the woods, they had no neighbours. <br /><br />one day, when Hans had gone to the very-far-away-village to sell his pretzels, Gertrude and Akebono had visitors. <br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YB4MwOmtS2w/USK_98PIdJI/AAAAAAAAAPY/gtMnxp-FSsE/s1600/Twin+baddies.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="256" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-YB4MwOmtS2w/USK_98PIdJI/AAAAAAAAAPY/gtMnxp-FSsE/s400/Twin+baddies.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />Randy and Roland Stermudge were very nice, very mild-mannered wood-floor salesmen, as long as people bought the appropriate amount of wood flooring. on a routine sales trip, Randy spotted the Bodenturnen's cottage from the road, and decided that, although it appeared that the cottage was made entirely of wood, possibly, a potential client lived inside. <br /><br />Randy knocked on the door. Gertrude and Akebono both answered. Randy and Roland introduced themselves, and explained that they were the best providers of wood flooring this side of the Black Forest. Akebono just shook his head. Gertrude wasn't interested either. "We just bought wood flooring last month. We couldn't possibly have it redone yet. But would you like a pretzel?"<br /><br />well, Randy and Roland hated failure, and they hated pretzels. so when Gertrude closed the door, they retrieved their axes from the truck, and began chopping the nearest tree. it wasn't long before the huge tree fell on the Bodenturnen's lovely cottage.<br /><br />screams could be heard from inside, but this didn't stop Randy and Roland "shoulda bought our wood flooring!" they shouted as they moved to the next tree and started chopping. again, the next tree fell on the cottage, crushing everything inside it: the extra pretzels, the recently installed wood flooring, the home-gym, and both the Bodenturnens. as they drove away, Randy and Roland laughed maniacally; such is the style of psychotic wood-floor salesmen.<br /><br />when Hans returned, he saw the demolished cottage and fell to his knees sobbing. when he finished, he looked around and spotted the Stermudge twins' business card on the ground. he felt his blood boil. he stormed around to the back of the cottage, where his special pretzel-baking kitchen stood unspoiled by the tree-felling, and baked up a batch of his best pretzels - with poison - and grabbed his best gun (for what great pretzel-maker doesn't have a gun?). <br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9jq3SEDOy-o/USK_9659LKI/AAAAAAAAAPU/9DnN7Vwr4CU/s1600/Hans+pretzel+boy.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9jq3SEDOy-o/USK_9659LKI/AAAAAAAAAPU/9DnN7Vwr4CU/s320/Hans+pretzel+boy.jpg" /></a></div><br />Hans vowed to avenge his parents death-by-wood-flooring-salesmen in the most gruesome way possible - by poisoning *and* shooting them. <br /><br />so if you see Hans, be sure not to buy his pretzels, particularly if you are in the wood-flooring industry. it could be your last snack.<br /><br />NB<br />people who have been killed by wood flooring (either directly or indirectly. mostly indirectly) :<br />mother theresa<br />john wayne<br />elvis (although this was most likely in conjunction with something else)<br />JFK (it's a known fact that the shooter was on a wooden floor)<br />FDR (the fumes from wood flooring almost certainly caused his polio)<br />sonny bono (the tree he ran into would have *become* wood flooring)The Superfluous Bloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245813501484871279noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885598541532805427.post-31341023283569942682013-02-01T01:05:00.000+00:002013-02-01T01:05:04.496+00:00a little bit of poisononce upon a time, there was a young girl named belinda. belinda was fond of dancing, dressing in pink, &nbsp;and visiting her sick granny. granny wasn't really sick, she just really wanted sympathy visitors, so she "worked it".<br /><br />she was young, but not so young that it was inappropriate for her to have full, pouty lips. but she wished they were fuller, and poutier. not that she like to pout. she was quite upbeat! in fact, she aerobicised several times a week. this made her quite sweaty.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9gD0y7ooPMQ/UQsJlUju2BI/AAAAAAAAAOM/GhMpL5mpuW8/s1600/belinda.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-9gD0y7ooPMQ/UQsJlUju2BI/AAAAAAAAAOM/GhMpL5mpuW8/s320/belinda.png" width="264" /></a></div><br /><br />her sweating was so profuse, that her friends often found themselves drowning in belinda-juice.<br /><br />sadly, she suffered from cervical dystonia AND vaginismus (both involve spasms of the relevant muscles) (some peoplepay good money for that).<br /><br />and, when the moon was full, she blinked uncontrollably. a lot. so much so that on those days, her life was one long disco.<br /><br />still, she had a good life and couldn't really complain. her mother baked cookies a lot, which made up for these inconveniences.<br /><br />one day, she was headed to her granny's house, to cheer her up with some relaxing disco music. she decided to go through the dodgy medical section of the forest. on the way, she came across a man named bo. last name: tox.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cP6V1b601xo/UQsLDi8nzwI/AAAAAAAAAOU/Xmap4swXUzM/s1600/bo.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-cP6V1b601xo/UQsLDi8nzwI/AAAAAAAAAOU/Xmap4swXUzM/s320/bo.png" width="270" /></a></div><br /><br />he seemed neither friendly nor upbeat. and during the course of their conversation, he could only make comments that were botox related.<br /><br />belinda : "hello"<br /><br />bo: "great word. did you know botox is a good word too?"<br /><br />belinda: "okay... well, i have to go now."<br /><br />bo: "that's so good. botox can help you go."<br /><br />belinda: "you're weird."<br /><br />bo: "funny, i was just going to say that botox can help with weirdness. go to my website for more information on botox."<br /><br />belinda; "no. good day."<br /><br />and so belinda carried on to her granny's in a way that somewhat mirrors the way some people with red hoods might make their way to their granny's house, only to be hassled by wolves. she hurried, as granny got quite anxious if her musical entertainment was delayed.<br /><br />when she arrived, she was horrified to discover bo had already gotten there.<br /><br />"granny! what big lips you have!"<br /><br />"the better to kiss you with, my dear!"<br /><br />"granny! what a big forehead you have!"<br /><br />"the better to look happily surprised at you, my dear!"<br /><br />bo was about to give granny one final injection in her cheeks when the door smashed open. it was none other than esther, the botox bounty hunter.<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7IAu1YR_gIg/UQsNKb4qNoI/AAAAAAAAAOk/6ZwDrvu0Lpk/s1600/esther.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-7IAu1YR_gIg/UQsNKb4qNoI/AAAAAAAAAOk/6ZwDrvu0Lpk/s320/esther.png" width="225" /></a></div><br /><br />"oh no you don't, bo! your days of putting<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">BOTULINUM TOXIN</span></b></div><br />in people are over!"<br /><br />"but esther! this woman could look younger for a short time until she starts to look horribly disfigured like a freak!"<br /><br />"NO, BO! step away from the granny or i will poke you with my big sword, smack you with my giant&nbsp;hot dog&nbsp; and kick you with my peg-leg."<br /><br />but bo did not back away. he inched the needle towards granny.<br /><br />esther hopped across the room, landing a wooden kick to bo's head. then she smacked him repeatedly with her giant hot dog until he was unconscious, which took awhile, but amused the heck out of belinda, who just sat and watched.<br /><br />belinda hauled bo out into her 4x4, waiting outside.<br /><br />"wow. that was really weird," said belinda. it was about to get weirder. there was a knock at the door. it was syco and the hoff!<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jjrsFr0u9mE/UQsPKR6qhuI/AAAAAAAAAO0/xtAir8AHL4I/s1600/simon.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-jjrsFr0u9mE/UQsPKR6qhuI/AAAAAAAAAO0/xtAir8AHL4I/s320/simon.jpg" width="316" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TNUgHL3-EBI/UQsPOMC3zSI/AAAAAAAAAO8/rMsBBoufNjI/s1600/hoff.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="304" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TNUgHL3-EBI/UQsPOMC3zSI/AAAAAAAAAO8/rMsBBoufNjI/s320/hoff.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />"hello, we just wanted to add some comments about botox into this story," said the hoff. syco just scowled.<br /><br />[not many people know this, but simon cowell invented the scowl, which is why it is called 'scowl'. absolute truth. in the 1940s, they used it as a defense against some of the wimpier germans. (according to official records, syco was born in 1959, but that is just a cover up.)]<br /><br />"hm. yes. well, i know that botox can affect the ability to read emotion*, so i'm going to just to ask you &nbsp;to leave before i throw my granny at you."<br /><br />so the hoff and syco left to find other people to bask in their puffy-faced glory, and belinda and her granny had a nice afternoon filled with cookies and disco music.<br /><br />unfortunately, belinda's granny's botox injection didn't sit well with her, and she died violently in the middle of the night. now she haunts people in the dodgy medical section of the forest.<br /><br />the moral of this story is: do NOT put ads in my comment space, or there will be mildly horrific stories the subject of the ad in this blog. you won't like it.<br /><br />* = again, i'm ashamed to say, wikipedia.The Superfluous Bloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245813501484871279noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885598541532805427.post-78967106403804411572013-01-30T00:48:00.000+00:002013-01-30T00:48:31.648+00:00and now they are fourthere is a lot of excitement today. meet amber and sunshine: <br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-B1nzLu-yhV4/UQhl4HNfF5I/AAAAAAAAANw/yFFzzOyxGOc/s1600/cheerleaders.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="296" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-B1nzLu-yhV4/UQhl4HNfF5I/AAAAAAAAANw/yFFzzOyxGOc/s400/cheerleaders.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />they are really, REALLY excited.<br />why?<br />well, aren't you?<br /><br />the furnish-johns are now four in number! <br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iUqhNeFLhOE/UQhl4Xb2O8I/AAAAAAAAAN8/_wCv5xm-iIg/s1600/four.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="177" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-iUqhNeFLhOE/UQhl4Xb2O8I/AAAAAAAAAN8/_wCv5xm-iIg/s400/four.jpg" width="284" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: x-large;">yay!</span></b></div><br />amber just couldn't keep from cheering when she heard the news today. she doesn't watch much tv, so she kind of found out while she was on a donut-run. the donuts are near the magazines, so in order to satisfy her fix, she had to see <i>Hello!</i> magazine.<br /><br />she stopped in her tracks and shouted loudly "GOOOOOO ELTON! (and David)!" <br /><br />sunshine heard the cheer from the ice cream aisle, and ran over to join the fun. <br /><br />they are not only huge elton john fans, but huge <i>baby </i>fans, too. <br /><br />when they were done cheering, a tear came to amber's eye. a little tear of happiness...at the thought of what a lucky boy little elijah would be. <br /><br />two loving fathers to look after his well-being... <br /><br />...play baseball with him...(at 70 years of age, elton will still be fit enough to play ball-related sports) <br /><br />...take him fishing...(septuagenarians LOVE getting up early and sitting out in the cold) <br /><br />...maybe teach him how to camp...(oh yeah - old people LOVE sleepin' on the ground...again, in the cold. LOVE IT!) <br /><br />...and of course buy him ANY and EVERY thing his heart desires. (shopping is fantastic at any age) <br /><br />yes, this baby boy was really lucky. <br /><br />meanwhile, sunshine reminisced back to her own childhood. her father had taught her how to tie a really good knot. she couldn't imagine what a splendid knot david and elton would teach little elijah to tie. <br /><br />sunshine's daddy also taught her how to change her oil. only the best oil would be changed at the furnish-john household. <br /><br />then...sunshine and amber looked at each other suddenly, simultaneously having the same realisation: that kid's 16th birthday party would kick the hiney out of every birthday party in the history of over-the-top parties. <br /><br />somehow, some way, they just *HAD* to find a way to be there. maybe amber would write that hit song. sunshine decided to take acting lessons and get on a reality tv show. <br /><br />NO!!! they resolved right then, right there, that they would become the BEST cheerleaders on the planet. <br /><br />right after they had those donuts. <br /><br />................................. <br /><br />later that night, sunshine and amber did some web-surfing, let's say for a homework project. yeah, that's it. what did they find? <br /><br />according to WIKIPEDIA*... <br /><br />china has 65,504,000 orphans... <br /><br />africa has 34,294,000 parentless children... <br /><br />and latin america and the caribbean have 8,166,000 kids of alternative family status... <br /><br />so. many. orphans. all jealous of little elijah and his brother zachary. <br /><br />(*)=up until 11pm at night, i hate the thought of anyone using wikipedia as a source. however. it is after 11pm, and i don't care now.The Superfluous Bloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245813501484871279noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885598541532805427.post-37896931650627696102013-01-28T00:26:00.002+00:002013-01-28T00:26:33.907+00:00intermittent fast days, which can be quite slowfasting. intermittently. that is my new thing. well, it is the new thing i do.<br /><br />today i started week 3, &nbsp;and this is what i'm sitting here thinking about:<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qabH-8LxGhM/UQW9e3nhTOI/AAAAAAAAAM0/naHDBEOS5YA/s1600/food.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="229" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qabH-8LxGhM/UQW9e3nhTOI/AAAAAAAAAM0/naHDBEOS5YA/s400/food.png" width="400" /></a></div><br />and this:<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VCNZk3xkWfQ/UQXAx8GBgnI/AAAAAAAAANE/onYZXZtLn1A/s1600/fajita.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-VCNZk3xkWfQ/UQXAx8GBgnI/AAAAAAAAANE/onYZXZtLn1A/s320/fajita.png" width="320" /></a></div><br />and this:<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CHQlrU1eopg/UQXA0tZOUZI/AAAAAAAAANM/kOmuOnaaeb8/s1600/cookie.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-CHQlrU1eopg/UQXA0tZOUZI/AAAAAAAAANM/kOmuOnaaeb8/s1600/cookie.png" /></a></div><br />i fast twice a week, once on sunday, once on wednesday. on those days, i keep to 500 calories. that's oatmeal for brunch, and a hearty soup for dinner. i could have a weight watcher's meal or something, but i'm always really disappointed with those. they keep being finished too quickly. somehow.<br /><br />but not that it's the third week, thankfully, food only occupies my mind as i'm trying to get to sleep. not, like the first day, wherein i thought about food THE ENTIRE DAY.<br /><br />i'm also starting to look forward to the fasting days.<br /><br />on friday, i went to my friend's house for the night. we ate pizza. i might have had a fourth piece... while also drinking. but i can do that now, and it's okay! i still drop a pound-or-so a week, and i feel great!<br /><br />by the time fast day arrives, i'm ready to lay off the food for awhile.<br /><br />i have traded seven days of torture for two!<br /><br />however, even though it is getting easier each time i fast, i noticed tonight that EVERYONE on tv was eating. seriously. i watched CSI, they went to a cafe. and ate.<br /><br />i watched a movie with lovely daughter. there was a lot of eating. really? you're catching bad guys and you need a food scene? ugh.<br /><br />simpsons...crime dramas...EVEN THE SPORTY THING had food in it - some guy in the crowd eating a burger. HEY CAMERA GUY - WATCH THE GAME!<br /><br />and then there were the commercials. most of THOSE were for food.<br /><br />but actually, it didn't bother me that much. i just...noticed it.<br /><br />and although right now i'm thinking of all the food i CAN eat tomorrow morning...<br /><br />actually...<br /><br />i'll probably just eat this:<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Gvoy9QiygaA/UQXFTgSrzdI/AAAAAAAAANc/O7Jkq_dmyqA/s1600/oatmeal.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Gvoy9QiygaA/UQXFTgSrzdI/AAAAAAAAANc/O7Jkq_dmyqA/s1600/oatmeal.png" /></a></div>but, y'know, a BIG bowl!!!<br /><br />The Superfluous Bloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245813501484871279noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885598541532805427.post-37320480756587734452013-01-24T00:08:00.000+00:002013-01-24T00:08:45.386+00:00snow makes children stupidi, zerilda, am shocked. <br />i am also stunned. <br /><br />here i am, in the admittedly cold kingdom of united, and was, days ago, made aware of the impending snow. i prepared as much as i thought i should: i got some new gloves. at no point did i prepare for the eventuality of not getting to work, or that my children would be temporarily denied education. <br /><br /><center>i DIDN'T EVEN BUY A SHOVEL!</center><br />so imagine my surprise when i got 4 official school texts (2 for each child!) informing me that school would be closed. they arrived before my consciousness did, which is to say, before my alarm. <br /><br />i got a little worried. <br /><br />you see, where i'm from, it SNOWS!!!!! look: <br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-b6fPrWjKyys/UQBtb0_AjAI/AAAAAAAAAK4/4sBIXe8uChk/s1600/snowedin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="199" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-b6fPrWjKyys/UQBtb0_AjAI/AAAAAAAAAK4/4sBIXe8uChk/s400/snowedin.jpg" width="253" /></a></div><br />enough snow to make samuel l jackson refer to it with m-f bombs: <br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JRwegNqBVNk/UQBtcT7AXaI/AAAAAAAAALE/1LPEcP24Q4A/s1600/car.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="183" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-JRwegNqBVNk/UQBtcT7AXaI/AAAAAAAAALE/1LPEcP24Q4A/s400/car.jpg" width="275" /></a></div><br />a BUTT-LOAD of snow: <br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aiM5-RfoeGY/UQBtcyMGirI/AAAAAAAAALQ/Zn13-LG14Sc/s1600/car2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="168" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-aiM5-RfoeGY/UQBtcyMGirI/AAAAAAAAALQ/Zn13-LG14Sc/s400/car2.jpg" width="224" /></a></div><br />yes. i used to live with THAT. THAT's what closes schools where I'M from. we are hardy in america.<br />see this guy? <br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RZqsFal-ek4/UQBvrMZWsXI/AAAAAAAAALk/hGgo0w2FIcs/s1600/walker.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="183" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-RZqsFal-ek4/UQBvrMZWsXI/AAAAAAAAALk/hGgo0w2FIcs/s400/walker.jpg" width="276" /></a></div><br />he has places to be! a little snow doesn't get in his way! so i took my worried self over to the window to assess the horrors that had befallen us here in britain.<br /><br />THIS IS WHAT CLOSES SCHOOLS IN BRITAIN: <br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-81RcmOwJ-tI/UQBwVH_Il5I/AAAAAAAAALw/jLmwT-zDreA/s1600/zcar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="305" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-81RcmOwJ-tI/UQBwVH_Il5I/AAAAAAAAALw/jLmwT-zDreA/s400/zcar.jpg" width="317" /></a></div><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">are you KIDDING ME?</span></b>&nbsp;</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>i went downstairs to watch the news. this was similar to their report (without the arrows...!) : <br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xGSVfNrmzU8/UQBwtk2vSpI/AAAAAAAAAL8/B5X-JJRBmR4/s1600/m5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="151" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-xGSVfNrmzU8/UQBwtk2vSpI/AAAAAAAAAL8/B5X-JJRBmR4/s400/m5.jpg" width="227" /></a></div><br />OH MY BOB!!!<br /><br />how ever will they get where they're going on those NON-SNOWY roads?<br /><br />and so it was that my children got a day of sitting around the house, watching tv, playing on the wii, and generally NOT being further educated. they're never IN school!<br /><br />if MY school had cancelled classes every time we got a tiny smattering of snow, no one in my state would have gotten an education! we'd have never gone to school! we'd all be serving "fries with that!"<br /><br />i suppose i should cut this country some slack. i grew up where it snowed a lot. i know how to cope. i can competently drive in snow. but i avoid it here, because the locals can't negotiate mildly snowy roads. you only have to say the *word* snow and a car, somewhere in britain, shoots off past breakdown lane... <br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bsgJ93RMfO4/UQB0V-IfaVI/AAAAAAAAAMQ/MwtgWKOFGtg/s1600/crash.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="183" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-bsgJ93RMfO4/UQB0V-IfaVI/AAAAAAAAAMQ/MwtgWKOFGtg/s400/crash.jpg" width="275" /></a></div><br /><br /><br />so i went to work. without taking a shovel to my car. i might have put on the gloves.<br /><br /><br />and after saying "REALLY?!" repeatedly whilst smacking my forehead, i was told that schools are closed because snow is a health and safety issue.<br /><br />WHAT?!<br />SNOW?!<br /><div style="text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">SNOW IS WATER!!!</span></b>&nbsp;</div><br />i had no idea i grew up in a death trap!!! i feel like i should sue mother nature. i could have been someone great! instead, i was hindered by the snow. snow made me less healthy and less safe. but i'm a survivor!<br /><br />thank god someone figured out that snow is so deadly, so that the only impact it would have on my children is to inhibit their education. WHEW!<br /><br />or are they really hiding something more sinister...<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vytnI1QfETo/UQB2mENubUI/AAAAAAAAAMg/xpXw_HX4fvM/s1600/snowmen.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-vytnI1QfETo/UQB2mENubUI/AAAAAAAAAMg/xpXw_HX4fvM/s1600/snowmen.jpg" /></a></div><br />The Superfluous Bloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245813501484871279noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885598541532805427.post-88707974254798286082013-01-23T00:52:00.000+00:002013-01-23T00:52:01.541+00:00american myths exposed #412: all americans love guns<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gy2Es5Rw_SQ/UP8y1Ys6QkI/AAAAAAAAAKY/_DU6wslC7Zg/s1600/gun%2B1.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="169" width="299" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-gy2Es5Rw_SQ/UP8y1Ys6QkI/AAAAAAAAAKY/_DU6wslC7Zg/s400/gun%2B1.png" /></a></div> i, zerilda, am highly used to being made to answer for all of the things that happen in america that people outside america think are terrible, or at the very least, bizarre. however, most recently, i am surrounded by people who have kicked it up a notch. and i say to them:<br /><br />what's more ridiculous - the thing you're questioning or the fact that you think all americans are exactly the same?<br /><br />one thing i love about this country is that although i have repeatedly busted my eyeball sockets from rolling my eyes so much as a reaction to "all americans yadda yadda yadda" statements, i get free healthcare, so sign me up for more eye-socket surgery! and bring on that free post-op morphine...<br /><br />eye-rolling statements resulting in said surgery:<br /><br /><div class="hollynonborder">all americans eat oversize cheeseburgers</div><div class="hollynonborder">all americans love country music</div><i>that's gonna be covered in a different post</i>... <br /><div class="hollynonborder">all americans love their guns</div>it's really surprising to me that i have been lumped into such a category, considering i never even saw a real gun until i was 14. that's amazing, considering:<br /><br /><div class="hollynonborder">i'm from a large, rectangle-shaped, western state...</div><div class="hollynonborder">my father was in the military...</div><div class="hollynonborder">my mother's second husband was a policeman...</div><br />but no, what my coworkers expect is that i am a little disgruntled because i got my guns taken (read: pried) off me when i landed at heathrow. they eventually find out i'm from a big, rectangle, western state, which convinces them that they should lock up their pets in the fall because i'm a'comin' with ma' shotgun and i gots to get some dinner!<br /><br />now, whereas it is true that i descend from a long line of highly competent gun-toters, most notably my mother,<br /><div class="hollynonborder">who could hit the back side of a prairie dog (not a pet) from a distance of 90 paces,<br /></div>i personally suffered great shame and disgrace as a non-gun-toting future liberal.<br /><br />additionally, i didn't realize until i was 20 that our dog was named after a specific type of gun. i just thought 'ruger' was my mother not knowing how to spell 'roger', but it was okay because the dog didn't really look like a 'roger'.<br /><br />a further irony of our household was that although my parents are both extremely good shots, we were not even allowed to say the word "gun" in our house. we could call the dog, "c'm'ere, ruger," but we could not say "gosh, i'd really like a ruger for christmas," without being sent to our rooms for a week. we couldn't even say "i'll be a son of a gun," as a surprised reaction to something.<br /><br />i am probably the only person from my home state who has never been on a hunting trip. i always got slightly nervous during "school hunting break" because i thought that if the school *knew* i hadn't gone hunting like everyone else, i'd get detention.<br /><br />when i arrived in the uk, i first went to belfast. if i, like "all the gun-toting-americans," would have been exposed to even the smallest gun, i wouldn't have consistently soiled my pants when i walked through the streets, which, at the time, were patrolled with&nbsp;land-rovers&nbsp;pointing guns from the top.<br /><br />but hey ho, i'm american, so of course, in the eyes of most people around me, i support the NRA, and i must also only like a movie if there is a relatively large death count in it.<br /><br />but the truth is, i did not personally touch a gun until i was 42... in WALES.<br /><br />a quick google search gives me the statistic that 47% of american households have guns. wow. less than half. admittedly a lot, however, in order for "all americans to love guns," shouldn't all americans *own* guns? they don't all own guns, ergo, they don't all love them. in FACT, quite a lot of us are opponents of gun ownership. <br /><br />but please! by all means! keep trying to convince me how we americans are stupid for not properly regulating guns. it's so much fun for me to listen to. and in the back of my head, i will simultaneously continue to ponder the ridiculousness of a country the size of britain trying to instruct a country the size of america in oh, anything. what works for a country of 243,600 km² will surely work for a country of 9,827,000 km², right?!<br /><br />AND ANOTHER THING - mr. tarantino, aka "i'm a massive jerk who doesn't realize that i'm making so much insanely ridiculous money that i should be fricking patient during an interview with a guy representing the common movie patron...viewers who are *paying* (lots) to get into my movies," if you think you have a hard life because said interviewer wants to ask you a seemingly tedious question about your violent, gun-containing movie in the wake of a massive gun-related tragedy, please&nbsp;<b>s/t/f/u</b>, some of us have to answer for it every/stupid/day. i must go rest my eyes now, before another day of extensive eye-rolling begins. <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YcMAlDf5zbQ/UP8y11Fl4WI/AAAAAAAAAKk/X1OV1bPlGdg/s1600/gun%2B2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left:1em; margin-right:1em"><img border="0" height="189" width="267" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-YcMAlDf5zbQ/UP8y11Fl4WI/AAAAAAAAAKk/X1OV1bPlGdg/s400/gun%2B2.png" /></a></div>The Superfluous Bloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245813501484871279noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885598541532805427.post-34956408525280608002009-07-10T23:29:00.000+01:002009-07-11T00:36:26.384+01:00wow! a post! it's true!i almost couldn't remember how to do this! <br /><br />here's my explanation. <br /><br />ie, "where the hell have i been," "why the hell haven't i been here," "who the hell do i think i am not being here?" <br /><br />otherwise known as "the answers to dapoppins's questions"<br /><br />well, first, there was that whole saving children from the inferno thing. i was a real hero that day. <br /><br />then, of course, i was at a world peace conference. they listened to *none* of my ideas. particularly iran. they just would not listen to a thing i said. i said 'stop being so jerky.' they said 'no! die american!'*<br /><br />after that it was off to convince a certain someone NOT to take their own life. mostly because i didn't want to listen to their songs over and over again until the end of time. well, we all know how *that* went. <br /><br />after two items of failure, it was time to lay low for awhile. i needed to properly grieve.<br /><br /><div><p class="hollysmall">i'll always remember farrah.</p></div><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SlfKFSSwOvI/AAAAAAAAAG4/PLo05xOfcIc/s1600-h/farrah.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SlfKFSSwOvI/AAAAAAAAAG4/PLo05xOfcIc/s400/farrah.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5356972473939147506" /></a><br /><br /><div><p class="hollysmall">i'll always remember ed.</p></div><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SlfKFgGfjvI/AAAAAAAAAHA/FQUSB09XOgY/s1600-h/ed.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 360px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SlfKFgGfjvI/AAAAAAAAAHA/FQUSB09XOgY/s400/ed.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5356972477645819634" /></a><br /><br /><br /><div><p class="hollysmall">i'll always remember billy.</p></div><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SlfKF-pG8fI/AAAAAAAAAHI/MMRK5KMmqDY/s1600-h/billy.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SlfKF-pG8fI/AAAAAAAAAHI/MMRK5KMmqDY/s400/billy.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5356972485844070898" /></a><br /><br /><div><p class="hollysmall">and the rest.</p></div><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbB7-lSIPfI/AAAAAAAAACw/eb0bMorBkSk/s1600-h/mjzither.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 180px; height: 240px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbB7-lSIPfI/AAAAAAAAACw/eb0bMorBkSk/s400/mjzither.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5309880275760070130" border="0" /></a><br /><div><p class="hollynonborder"></p></div><br /><br />okay okay okay maybe i haven't been doing any of those things. if you want the 'where the hell have i been', here are the highlights:<br /><br />first i had a book to do pictures for because i was presenting it to some children, allegedly, and then it turned out that only six children showed up.<br />i'm not bitter about that because HEY! all the pictures are done! but then i had to print the friggers off, after some photoshop touch-ups. i did an AMAZING job of getting two really polished packages off to agents. i know it was good because i got VERY FAST responses from them. both were no. one, though, said 'your ideas made me smile'. <br /><br />yay. i am glad you smiled. hey, you know, your smiling would mean more if you could PUBLISH ME!!!<br /><br />then there was a competition, the link of which will be available after i post this. results aren't available on that until next week. LONGEST.FORTNIGHT.EVER.<br /><br />and in the meantime i have been playing softball because i missed it sooo sooo much. BUT the captain of the team went on holiday, so i said i would look after the team for him. this is something i don't think i ever want to do again without also having a very painful bikini wax just for fun.<br /><br />sharkgirl was one of the main characters in a production of "the golden age of chocolate," otherwise known as 'the school's version of "charlie and the chocolate factory." i was EXTREMELY proud of her. i almost didn't notice my butt hurting from sitting in that chair for two hours. almost. <br /><br />AAAANNND just because i thought somehow i had time for it, i agreed to do a website for my brother. i can do websites. static, functional websites. the one HE wants is done in FLASH! <br /><br /><div><p class="hollysmall">ohmybobi'mtired!</p></div><br /><br />and what did all that get me? a whole lot of pain. <br /><br />just look at all my pains : <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SlfKGEsu7_I/AAAAAAAAAHQ/i8msDgdr6d4/s1600-h/pains.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 349px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SlfKGEsu7_I/AAAAAAAAAHQ/i8msDgdr6d4/s400/pains.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5356972487469887474" /></a><br /><br />in particular, i have huge pains in my buttock-al region...<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SlfKGjmVb6I/AAAAAAAAAHY/GtwGQP1ziR4/s1600-h/butt1.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SlfKGjmVb6I/AAAAAAAAAHY/GtwGQP1ziR4/s400/butt1.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5356972495764549538" /></a><br /><br />both sides! this cheek is mainly doin' sympathy pains. that i can do without!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SlfLGvz7CMI/AAAAAAAAAHg/r0xGr7JhJHw/s1600-h/butt2.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 303px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SlfLGvz7CMI/AAAAAAAAAHg/r0xGr7JhJHw/s400/butt2.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5356973598554392770" /></a><br /><br />so THAT pretty much sums up what's been going on. <br /><br />oh wait...i also watched the whole first and second seasons of dexter, to prepare for the third. which i'm now two episodes behind on, because of aforementioned "stuff".<br /><br />NEXT : i am soooo giving mother nature a good kick up the backside. she has been...what's the word? a beotch. <br /><br />* = this is of course untrue. just had to make sure it was clear.The Superfluous Bloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245813501484871279noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885598541532805427.post-14390839508855954562009-04-26T16:41:00.000+01:002009-04-26T17:32:24.562+01:00heavy objects i have been trapped beneath recently<div><p class="hollynonborder">a reader writes...</p></div><br /><br />"Dearest Zerilda,<br /><br />ZERILDA!!! i demand to know where you've been! i am sitting here, waiting for you to post. do you not respect *my* time? some blogger YOU are. i RUE the day i discovered your blog. furthermore, the drivel you left me with before you left was completely unacceptable, of a standard unbefitting a neanderthal, and made me a little bit sick on my happy meal. you'd better kick it up a notch, or i am going to stop sitting here. <br /><br />TAKE NOTE!<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />Your loving mother"<br /><br />i was truly moved by this heart-warming letter, and my only response is, yes, you are right. you *were* sick on your happy meal. that is unfortunate.<br /><br />but wait! it's not that i don't completely care about all that time spent waiting for me to entertain and/or amuse and/or distract you from your toenail-clipping duties. <br /><br />it's TRULY that i have been gallivanting. to belfast! <br /><br />i have had children on my own. for 10 days. which left me realizing how much i do not want them on my own for a longer period of time...<br /><br />i have been creating! a presentation for a book reading! and that is where our tale of what-the-he11 have you been starts. <br /><br />you see, <br /><br />...there i was there i was there i was...<br /><br />performing. <br /><br />[and discovering i am NOT the only :<br />-female<br />-american<br />-comedienne<br />in cardiff!<br /><br />oh yes...two of us were on the same lineup!]<br /><br />when my good friend says "you should read your stories at the library..."<br /><br />and i thought what a heck of an idea! but i'm at borders all the time. i would like to do it there. they OWE me for all those books i bought. <br /><div><p class="hollynonborder">OWE</p></div><br /><br />so i asked them. they were very happy to let me come in. i'll be doing it towards the end of may.<br /><br />BUT... BUT... BUT...<br /><br />as much as i like spinning stories for the kiddies... <br /><br /><div><p class="hollynonborder">illustrate...</p></div> <br /><div><p class="hollysmall">...i do not</p></div> <br /><br />SO! plan b = clay rats! [story the first is about pie rats!]<br /><br /><div><p class="hollynonborder">i absolutely love love love super soft clay</p></div> <br /><br /><div><p class="hollysmall">who knew?</p></div> <br /><br />it turns out i am not clay-ically inclined, either: <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SfSGJ136geI/AAAAAAAAAGw/gQ2Kb5LNP-g/s1600-h/individually.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 375px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SfSGJ136geI/AAAAAAAAAGw/gQ2Kb5LNP-g/s400/individually.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5329031762724684258" /></a><br /><br />on their own, they suck a bit! boy howdy is it awful! <br /><br />but as a large GROUP OF RODENTS....<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SfSGJ9tTDxI/AAAAAAAAAGo/ZBWets63a80/s1600-h/collectively.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 393px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SfSGJ9tTDxI/AAAAAAAAAGo/ZBWets63a80/s400/collectively.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5329031764827639570" /></a><br /><br />not too dang bad! it's the psychology of vision or something. your eye doesn't pay attention to crappy detail, it looks at the beautiful forest for the trees! unless you think they're still crappy, then that theory really falls flat...<br /><br />and now, for the pies! i only have a few made. i need to make many Many MANY more -- this week! <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SfSGJm8Kk9I/AAAAAAAAAGg/_Zxw1GGk87c/s1600-h/pies.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 206px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SfSGJm8Kk9I/AAAAAAAAAGg/_Zxw1GGk87c/s400/pies.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5329031758715982802" /></a><br /><br />i need <br />- berry pies<br />- banana pies<br />- cow pies<br /><br />thank BOB for play-doh moulds! <br /><br />and on hand for seasoning...<br /><br />a gift from <a href="http://mielikki-tsm.blogspot.com/">mielikki</a>!!!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SfSGJr1qLKI/AAAAAAAAAGY/A7Up5J1piiw/s1600-h/saltandpepper.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 372px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SfSGJr1qLKI/AAAAAAAAAGY/A7Up5J1piiw/s400/saltandpepper.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5329031760030870690" /></a><br /><br /><div><p class="hollysmall">and these chicks are just waiting to see what i'm going to do with them...</p></div><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SfSGJRoh8lI/AAAAAAAAAGQ/Ps48HxaHfHs/s1600-h/chicks.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 328px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SfSGJRoh8lI/AAAAAAAAAGQ/Ps48HxaHfHs/s400/chicks.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5329031752996483666" /></a><br /><br />...oh and i forgot to mention, i joined a softball team (home runs! pitching!)<br /><br />...and <strike>got suckered into</strike><b>started</b> taking tennis lessons after signing daughter up for same. (wow. after 20 years of not doing it, i really sucked the first session!)<br /><br />i will endeavor to try-to-try to keep poking my nose into blogland in the meantime... i miss it...<br />so much...<br /><br />oh AND my boy is four tomorrow. thank BOB he's a boy. the girl would be *put* *out* knowing i hadn't really prepared for it. . . <br /><br />who needs sleep, really...?<br /><br />stay tuned...you will see my gorgeous new shoes. I KNOW!!!<br /><br />I KNOW!!!The Superfluous Bloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245813501484871279noreply@blogger.com22tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885598541532805427.post-5245365170135124072009-03-31T01:34:00.000+01:002009-04-01T01:11:10.708+01:00Qrazy Question QXdayOH! The delay again! <br /><br /><div><p class="hollynonborder">Project Supertastic</p></div><br />is keeping me busy. <br /><br /><div><p class="hollysmall">It is just plain magnificent.</p></div><br /><br />But that is another post...<br /><br />Anyway - let's get on with meeting the third inductee to OH! MY! BOB!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SdKu49VtoNI/AAAAAAAAAFQ/xDSFD9fPSPA/s1600-h/piano.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 290px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SdKu49VtoNI/AAAAAAAAAFQ/xDSFD9fPSPA/s400/piano.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319506403439517906" /></a><br /><br />We were chillin' on the piano wondering : whoever would join us next?<br /><br />The doorbell went. It was the elegant <a href="http://objets-dart.blogspot.com/">Fireblossom</a>. She is also found <a href="http://fireblossom-wordgarden.blogspot.com/">here</a>.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SdKu4nnXY3I/AAAAAAAAAFI/P6RdaKTlGzk/s1600-h/elegance.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 282px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SdKu4nnXY3I/AAAAAAAAAFI/P6RdaKTlGzk/s400/elegance.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319506397607977842" /></a><br /><br />So we had a little chat!<br /><br /> Zerilda: sorry - i just got in, had to get myself a cuppa, and then get a biscuit<br /> (sorry, i mean cookie)<br /><br /> Fireblossom: oh, I speak fluent UK<br /><br /> Zerilda: nice! so i could say car park to you!<br /> <div><p class="hollynonborder">car park!</p></div><br /> and i could say mobile!<br /> and i could say 'i'm going on holiday!'<br /><br />Fireblossom: you could add a "u" to humour and glamour<br /><br /> Zerilda: and colour!<br /><br />Fireblossom: I took the liberty of removing all the vowels from Bruce Willis's brain this afternoon<br /><br /> Zerilda: is he much different now?<br /><br /> Fireblossom: he sounds serbian<br /><br /> Zerilda: aaah. so no.<br /><br /> Fireblossom: not a whit<br /><br /> Zerilda: he's newly married, isn't he?<br /><br />Fireblossom: i understand he married jacko in a private ceremony aboard a garbage scow under the Portuguese flag<br /><br /> Zerilda: wow. i didn't think either of them were Portuguese!<br /><br /> Fireblossom: well, they weren't BORN Portuguese. they had a devil baby which jacko promptly dangled overboard<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SdKu4ULwzcI/AAAAAAAAAFA/N7Kp927016s/s1600-h/jackobaby.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 187px; height: 251px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SdKu4ULwzcI/AAAAAAAAAFA/N7Kp927016s/s400/jackobaby.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319506392391929282" /></a><br /><br />Zerilda: well, you do one baby...gotta do them all...<br /><br /> Fireblossom: haha<br /><br /> Zerilda: okay so you have three wishes. you can't ask for more wishes. what are your wishes?<br /><br /> Fireblossom: For the television program "Cash Cab" to not merely drop off losing contestants, but to publicly vaporize them on the streets of new York<br /><br />Zerilda: oh yeah that's a good one<br /><br /> Fireblossom: 2. For Oprah Winfrey to become fully aquatic...<br /><br /> Zerilda: as opposed to partially, which she is now...<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SdKv7eLjcoI/AAAAAAAAAFo/3yJW1ip3Z4M/s1600-h/oprah.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 300px; height: 400px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SdKv7eLjcoI/AAAAAAAAAFo/3yJW1ip3Z4M/s400/oprah.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319507546126643842" /></a><br /><br />Fireblossom: for all football leagues everywhere to be disbanded and replaced by open air shopping bazaars where men are baited and made to do tricks while being led on leashes<br /><br /> Zerilda: aaaaaah. now this i have to take issue with, only because i discovered that football serves the purpose of keeping men out of places i want to go for portions of a weekend.<br /> and rugby.<br /><br />Fireblossom: well this is true, but involuntary space travel accomplishes the same thing<br /><br /> Zerilda: what about just the jerks?<br /><br /> Fireblossom: yes. jerks only to the blue platform on level 5, please<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SdKv7fuxjnI/AAAAAAAAAFg/6Hx5eEuhQ_k/s1600-h/jerks.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 286px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SdKv7fuxjnI/AAAAAAAAAFg/6Hx5eEuhQ_k/s400/jerks.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319507546542804594" /></a><br /><br /> Zerilda: YEAH! it's just that my son, i have grown accustomed to him... y'know<br /><br /> Fireblossom: oh, sons are exempt. I have one as well<br /><br /> Zerilda: fantastic. are you able to sing a particular song that would <b>maim</b> a person?<br /><br /> Fireblossom: ha! yes.... <div><p class="hollynonborder">"Everything is Beautiful"</p></div><br /><br />I can sing it either in trailer trash version or oriental pidgin<br />it includes the lyric 'there is none so blind as he who cannot see"<br /> soo wise, i think<br /><br /> Zerilda: are you...really....also... trailer trash? or do you just sing it<br /><br /> Fireblossom: goodness no I am elegant. if i hear ee haw misic I begin to sag, and if there is yodeling in it, I become desperately ill within seconds<br /><br />Zerilda: hee haw - how many people has THAT damaged? why were none of those people punished?<br /><br /> Fireblossom: it's tragic. they all become Toby keith and terrorize their communities<br /><br /> Zerilda: welcome to hell, here's your hee haw dvd. if ever there was a group of people needing to be shipped to their own planet, eh?<br /><br /> Fireblossom: someplace where it is far too cold to possibly play steel guitar<br /><br /> Zerilda: what was the last ritual you performed?<br /><br /> Fireblossom: I turned katie Couric into an invertebrate as part of a solstice celebration!<br /><br /> Zerilda: that is AWETASTIC! was it hard to do?<br /><br /> Fireblossom: no, but she kept screeching. she can no longer do latin dances<br /><br /> Zerilda: what - you mean <div><p class="hollysmall">katie couric no longer tangos?</p></div><br /><br />Fireblossom: I blame that lady from the weakest link<br /><br /> Zerilda: Anne Robinson<br /><br /> Fireblossom: yes<br /><br /> Zerilda: yeah - i can't decide who i dislike more, her or simon cowell.<br /><br /> Fireblossom: when i was in London, i saw that she was still at large<br /><br /> Zerilda: OH IF THEY HAD KIDS. what would that be like? surely their kid would be the subject of a quest<br /><br /> Fireblossom: they would be lovely. <div><p class="hollysmall">Everyone knows that stuff skips a generation</p></div><br /><br /> Zerilda: true! i didn't think of that<br /><br /> Fireblossom: ;-)<br /><br /> Zerilda: it would be the loveliest kid on the planet! you couldn't get within five feet without being blessed or something!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SdKv6wekjrI/AAAAAAAAAFY/2x2Up4KiyG4/s1600-h/lovechild.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 332px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SdKv6wekjrI/AAAAAAAAAFY/2x2Up4KiyG4/s400/lovechild.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5319507533858377394" /></a><br /><br /><br /> Fireblossom: <div><p class="hollysmall">my toaster whispered it to me </p></div><br /><br />Zerilda: oh - bill cosby is it?<br /><br />Fireblossom: yes Bill Cosby's spirit<br /><br /> Zerilda: did you know that i bought Phylicia Rashad-os at the grocery store today? they are like honey nut cheerios, but not as honey-oriented<br /><br /> Fireblossom: that bitch - she does hang up calls here at all hours. she tells me how many pounds she has lost<br /><br /> Zerilda: okay here's a quick-fire round:<br /> who<br /><br /> Fireblossom: Horton<br /><br />Zerilda: where<br /><br /> Fireblossom: in the air<br /><br /> Zerilda: what<br /><br /> Fireblossom: a big green truck in the sky<br /><br /> Zerilda: when<br /><br /> Fireblossom: 4pm time for tea<br /><br /> Zerilda: why<br /><br /> Fireblossom: why not?<br /><br /> Zerilda: excellent. okay here's the clue (the board game) version :<br />who killed who in the where with the what<br /><br /> Fireblossom: oOOOOoo!!!...<br /> Ben Affleck was killed<br /> with a fast moving passenger locomotive<br /> in the study<br />the killer was....<br /> Calista Flockhart...<br /> driven mad by her marriage to Harrison Ford<br /><br /> Zerilda: wow. who knew calista had human strength? did you get a picture of it?<br /><br />Fireblossom: I made a rock-umentary of it<br /><br />Zerilda: sweeeet. okay last q, then i have to go to bed. it's a big'un<br />your door is, right now, being beaten down by anti-poetry campaigners. you have to grab a makeshift weapon NOW. what object do you grab, or do you just rush into your safe room, hoping they fall into the trap you made earlier?<br /><br /> Fireblossom: that's easy<br /> I start discussing menstruation with my gf and the attackers, all male, disperse in seconds flat<br /><br />Zerilda: i have really thoroughly enjoyed this, and wish i could do it longer! but 7 am is going to kick my butt in all kinds of new, innovative ways, so i'm taking my reluctant leave now. thank you for this honour!The Superfluous Bloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245813501484871279noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885598541532805427.post-41416997060380479562009-03-27T01:05:00.000+00:002009-03-27T01:19:17.861+00:00The letter of glittery loveDear Teacher,<br /><br />I hope you can read this. I have decided to correspond to you in the medium of glitter and glue, using ONLY the glitter that has fallen off in my house from the art project you send home each week. I hope you have as much fun *doing* the projects as I have *picking* the glitter up off my floor. EVERY. DAY. It's a party in and of itself. <br /><br />Anyway, I wanted to thank you for teaching me the futility of sending a spare pair of clothes every day, as you requested. I have enjoyed carrying the bag of spares as well as my son, who's trousers are completely rain-soaked (I hope that's rain. ..). I'm sure he's much better off stewing in the wet trousers than running around, say, nude. I am developing an impressive set of muscles, and have cancelled my now-unnecessary gym membership. I know what I'm going to do with *that* extra £15/month. <br /><br />I do have one request, though. Would it be possible to be made privy to the official after-school-club time? OR, could we possibly get said club an accurate time-keeping device? My own watch is set to three minutes ahead of GMT, but when I showed up at 5:50pm on Tuesday, I was informed that I'd be charged for arriving 3 minutes past 6:00. They said they were going by their mobile phone clock, which, BOB KNOWS is a reasonable thing to do, but I just think possibly it should be set correctly. I will be happy to pay the late fee if I ever arrive *actually* late, by an official measurement. I believe a good rule of thumb in this Kingdom is 'if the Queen considers it late, it's late.' <br /><br />Thank you, and happy glitter-picking-up. I know *I* always enjoy it...<br /><br />Yours in craft,<br /><div><p class="hollynonborder">Zerilda, The Superfluous Blogger,</p></div> mother of <div><p class="hollynonborder">Monkeyboy, the Prolific Glitter-er.</p></div>The Superfluous Bloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245813501484871279noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885598541532805427.post-18523670258483201702009-03-24T00:05:00.000+00:002009-03-24T01:32:31.408+00:00Qrazy Question Qsunday-ishI am well aware that it is Monday.<br /><br />But Facebook stole some time from me yesterday. Facebook - specifically a dude I did not want to talk to - kept me up. Let's ignore for a moment that I could have said "dude, stop bothering me, I have crap to do!" or "dude, stop bothering me, it's 1 am and I'm NOT up to talk to you!" I'm saying it now, in retrospect.<br /><br />BUT! NEVERMIND THAT! I have another Pocket-blogger induction.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScgohAq5RXI/AAAAAAAAAEQ/2OJIDi2Zso0/s1600-h/cami.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 377px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScgohAq5RXI/AAAAAAAAAEQ/2OJIDi2Zso0/s400/cami.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5316543907691578738" border="0" /></a><br /><center><span style="font-size:78%;"><i>Last week's induction - <a href="http://www.camikaos.com/">Camikaos</a></i></span></center><br /><br />This week, I am inducting<br /><div><p class="hollynonborder">a very <a href="http://sybillaw-sybilcrankypants.blogspot.com/">CRANKYPANTSISH</a> woman</p></div>.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScgohefBHpI/AAAAAAAAAEY/UZbvUR3DOXY/s1600-h/sybil_1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScgohefBHpI/AAAAAAAAAEY/UZbvUR3DOXY/s400/sybil_1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5316543915694825106" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Zerilda : Okay, first question, um, who is the most deserving of a smacking, IYHO among the following : Tom Cruise, Madonna, Jacko, and um...Simon Cowell?<br /><br />Sybil : Oh shit I hate to choose. Simon is the least deserving... they should all get a nice group smacking. With both hands.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScgpkvoX0DI/AAAAAAAAAEg/rnUVQZx9EP8/s1600-h/smackings.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScgpkvoX0DI/AAAAAAAAAEg/rnUVQZx9EP8/s400/smackings.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5316545071348699186" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Zerilda : NIIICe. Okay next question. What is your preferred method of punishment: rhubarb, rusty knife, golf club, or sharp ice cube?<br /><br />Sybil : Rusty knife, for sure<br /><br /><div><p class="hollynonborder">I like to get dirty.</p></div><br /><br />Zerilda : Yeah, I get that...<br /><br />Sybil : Golf club is nice, too<br /><br />Zerilda : Have you ever punched anyone in real life<br /><br />Sybil : Yes<br /><br />Zerilda : What was their crime? Were you impeding her way to the cous cous, or was she just ape-sh1t nuts?<br /><br />Sybil : She attacked me out of nowhere so I punched her face, and broke her nose<br />for realz and SHE apologized to ME. <br /><br />Zerilda : Okay what is your least favourite animal in the zoo, and why?<br /><br />Sybil : Oh that one is easy - aarmadillos! They give me the creeps - <div><p class="hollynonborder">they remind me of big cockroaches</p></div><br /><br />Zerilda : They serve no useful purpose, do they?! <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScgplTZILzI/AAAAAAAAAEo/ZXsSChblQHk/s1600-h/sybil_2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScgplTZILzI/AAAAAAAAAEo/ZXsSChblQHk/s400/sybil_2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5316545080948436786" border="0" /></a><br /><center><i>I couldn't find an armadillo. Pretend that frog is one.</i> </center><br /><br />Zerilda : Oh I never thought of that. Now *I* hate them.<br /><br />Sybil : shudders. They just. creep. me. out<br /><br />Zerilda : Okay - do you like Bratz?<br /><br />Sybil : It's my fricking - what is that sh1t superman couldn't handle? Oh - krypton! Bratz make me ill. They all have botox. I would feed them to Madonna.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScgysnpSmPI/AAAAAAAAAEw/VtxZ3TgVPX4/s1600-h/bratz.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 287px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScgysnpSmPI/AAAAAAAAAEw/VtxZ3TgVPX4/s400/bratz.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5316555102248671474" /></a><br /><br /><div><p class="hollynonborder">Madonna was not available for this photo opportunity.</p></div><br /><br />Zerilda : I think Madonna's a veggie, although i would be hard pressed to say Bratz contain any meat. Are you a veggie?<br /><br />Sybil : NO I loves a nice filet mignon<br /><div><p class="hollynonborder">LOVE DEAD COW</p></div><br /><br />Zerilda : YEAH ! DEAD COW ROCKS!!!! but not raw<br /><br />Sybil : Oh no, not raw. Nasty<br /><br />Zerilda : Yup. How about raw potatoes?<br /><br />Sybil : Raw potatoes? no. Salty!<br /><br />Zerilda : I like them. But can not eat them without thinking about the person who told me years ago (and was probably full of poo) that you could get worms from it. If that doesn't bring out the naysayers, nothing will. <br /><br />Sybil : I heard that, too! Is it true?<br /><br />Zerilda : I have no idea. Let's google it. (i will know for publish-time)<br /><br />[--> from the snopes.com message board, best I am willing to do at 12:48am: <br /> <br />"The potato itself wouldn't give you worms, but if you ingested any soil that was on the potato you could get worms from that. If an animal infected with worms used the garden as a latrine area, the eggs can remain in the soil and be picked up by humans from eating dirty veggies or by putting a dirty hand in the mouth."]<br /> <br />Zerilda : Okay let's try a music question: have you ever kissed a girl? One that you didn't birth or get birthed by?<br /><br />Sybil : I have. Well, she kissed me. It was weird. I was dating her cousin. She attacked me. He was passed out. It was crazy. She also kinda stalked me for a while, from NY.<br /><br />Zerilda : Oh dear. I only ask because that stoooopid song is stuck in my head because sharkgirl plays it all the time. She thinks it's funny. That's what a momma wants - a daughter walking around singing 'i kissed a girl' THAT'S gonna get me grandkids...sigh<br /><br />Sybil : Hey - they can adopt<br /><br />Zerilda : True. true. As long as I, some how, some way, get grandkids, I don't give a crap who she hooks up with. Could be spike the party dog.<br /><br />Sybil : yup. Understood<br /><br />Zerilda : Wasn't it spike? the oh-so-cute-pit-bull?<br /><br />Sybil : You mean Spuds Mckenzie?<br /><br />Zerilda : SPUDS!!! How could i forget Spuds Mckenzie!<br /><br />Sybil : Are you talking about Tom and Jerry? cause that is Spike<br /><br />Zerilda : No, I would be worried if she married Spike, because of all the mouse issues. If you could be any cartoon character. From ANY series. What would it be, and what phrase would you always say?<br /><br />Sybil : hmmm...I would have to say I was told I was like Lucy, from Charlie Brown<br /><br />Zerilda : niiiiice. And you would say....?<br /><br />Sybil : I would say "I need a new dress. And better shoes! Whose a bitch gotta cut for some new shoes?!"<br /><br />Zerilda : Eeeeexcellent. That was fun, thank you!!! I look forward to some STABBERIFIC ADVENTURES! At least one Bratz baby will be sacrificed each time, I hope. Although Sharkgirl was unimpressed when she saw what I'd done, photo or no...The Superfluous Bloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245813501484871279noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885598541532805427.post-87896797549621495642009-03-18T01:45:00.000+00:002009-03-18T02:06:05.344+00:00Wordless Chicken Tuesday : new product developmentFirst : for those who have wondered JUST WHERE THE HE11 HAVE I BEEN?!<br /><br />I was, em, <i>attending</i> a performance of a well-loved local comic. And I needed the week to prepare for, em, <i>watching</i> her. She was funny. I am now in the thick of writing a whole pile of material for <i>her</i>. Hopefully she'll decide to use it. "PAY ME, BEOTCH!" is what I will say to her. But, you know, in a nice way. :)<br /><br /><div><p class="hollynonborder">ENOUGH OF THAT!</p></div> I, Zerilda, am always on the look-out for new and innovative products.<br /><br />So imagine my delight when I came across this today:<br /><br />Just when I thought I *wouldn't* find the appropriate way to BEGIN my career with chickens!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScBTJhZKbeI/AAAAAAAAADo/Z7DF5MY6e40/s1600-h/gettingstarted.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 291px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScBTJhZKbeI/AAAAAAAAADo/Z7DF5MY6e40/s400/gettingstarted.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5314338983345024482" border="0" /></a><br /><br />But that wasn't my only find. I had innovative food product requirements. And at Ptesco, my needs were satisfied thusly:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScBTKFtgvFI/AAAAAAAAADw/L3edMUpQNOk/s1600-h/mickey.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 344px; height: 400px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScBTKFtgvFI/AAAAAAAAADw/L3edMUpQNOk/s400/mickey.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5314338993094048850" border="0" /></a><br /><br />YES!<br /><br /><div><p class="hollynonborder">Finally! My mouse-based food needs will be met. </p></div><br /><br />And it just wreaks of wholesome family goodness! One bite of this and my kids will want to be nerdily good until they are well out of high school!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScBTKUe4EWI/AAAAAAAAAD4/ZSvggMQwVso/s1600-h/mickeymeat.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 339px; height: 400px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScBTKUe4EWI/AAAAAAAAAD4/ZSvggMQwVso/s400/mickeymeat.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5314338997059195234" border="0" /></a><br /><br />But it gave me an idea. If we could eat a mouse, surely we could eat other celebrities. And I am hereby going to start a series of <div><p class="hollynonborder">Celebrity Luncheon Meats.</p></div><br /><br /><br /><div><p class="hollysmall">INSTALLMENT NUMBER ONE : PARIS HILTON CHICKEN</p></div><br /><br />It is every bit as tasty and needy as the real life version. And RICH! You never tasted such rich chicken.<br /><br />It is low fat, but if you take it to other countries, it will try to get other meats to be friends with it, by making the other meats perform humiliating activities for the paris-hilton-chicken's amusement.<br /><br /><br />And it leaves you feeling strangely unfulfilled. Also, if you eat it very long, say, more than 30 seconds, you find yourself dumbening down a bit. OH FRIG! I'VE EATEN TOO MUCH!!!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScBTKiUdvqI/AAAAAAAAAEA/n6q17Wf7jno/s1600-h/paris+hilton+chicken.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScBTKiUdvqI/AAAAAAAAAEA/n6q17Wf7jno/s400/paris+hilton+chicken.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5314339000773623458" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I'm afraid the tale of retribution will have to wait a week, while I have my stomach pumped. It is back to the drawing board.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScBTK-8OLGI/AAAAAAAAAEI/RzKgsDknb7E/s1600-h/impatient.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/ScBTK-8OLGI/AAAAAAAAAEI/RzKgsDknb7E/s400/impatient.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5314339008456567906" border="0" /></a>The Superfluous Bloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245813501484871279noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885598541532805427.post-79858970582131395322009-03-09T00:03:00.000+00:002009-03-09T07:36:39.044+00:00Qrazy Question QsundayOkay. I can't have these adventures on my own. I am bringing some people on board. <br /><br />First up, a lovely lady from Portland, who is having her annual cake-eating day. Although I believe she can't eat cake. More's the pity.<br /><br />To welcome her into club OH! MY! BOB! I have asked her for an exclusive interview. She said no. Then I said 'Oh come on, please? I'll give you a lock of my hair!' Then she said yes. <div><p class="hollynonborder">Everyone wants a lock of my hair these days.</p></div> <a href="http://www.camikaos.com/">Cami</a> is no different. <br /><br />Without further adon't...<br /><br /><div><p class="hollysmall">Interview with Cami Kaos</p></div><br />Cami: [Word that rhymes with 'Schmite', in caps]. I FORGOT. I'm here until my friend shows up to drag me to Watchmen<br /><br />Zerilda : i see how it is. what is watchmen? i wish someone would drag me to watch men.<br /><br /> Cami: super hero movie<br /><br />Zerilda : niiiice. cute guys?<br /><br /> Cami: I don't know I haven't seen it yet. it just came out yesterday<br /><br /> Zerilda : oh . right. no trailers?<br /><br /> Cami: I am lame and do not waththings like that<br /><div><p class="hollynonborder">I am to busy being fancy and wearing crowns and things</p></div><br /><br /> Zerilda : aaaah. no i don't watch much tv at all, so let's be lame together...?<br />aaah. nice. oh that's a good note to start off on.<br />under what circumstances do you find it necessary and unnecessary to wear a crown?<br /><br /> Cami: i wear crown whenever i feel regal<br /><br /> Zerilda : do you feel regal now?<br /><br /> Cami: yes<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbRegZ9Ng2I/AAAAAAAAAC4/lIeyK1zYr1w/s1600-h/regal.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 384px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbRegZ9Ng2I/AAAAAAAAAC4/lIeyK1zYr1w/s400/regal.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5310973771393106786" /></a><br /><br /> Zerilda : fantastic. because of tomorrow or just generally<br /><br /> Cami: generally. but tomorrow adds a little something special <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbRgMbVG3QI/AAAAAAAAADA/bW3XsjzVu6g/s1600-h/birthday.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 384px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbRgMbVG3QI/AAAAAAAAADA/bW3XsjzVu6g/s400/birthday.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5310975627187641602" /></a><br /><br /> Zerilda : because we are short on time, i'm moving on although i'd like to pursue this more. anyway... what foods WOULD kill you and are evil<br /><br /> Cami: white bread. hot dog buns (unless they're made with whole grains). white rice especially. <div><p class="hollysmall">if it's white and it's carby<br />it's the devil</p></div> and anything with processed sugar<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbRgoY28OuI/AAAAAAAAADI/wZCH-i0LgNA/s1600-h/willkillck.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbRgoY28OuI/AAAAAAAAADI/wZCH-i0LgNA/s400/willkillck.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5310976107560581858" /></a><br /><br /> Zerilda : are there any foods that are evil that wouldn't kill you?<br /><br /> Cami: yes but those are evil for other reasons. they're evil because they're ucky and no one wants to eat them. like beets<br /><br /> Zerilda : <div><p class="hollysmall">BEETS ARE LOVELY</p></div><br /><br /> Cami: no<br /><br /> Zerilda : why no?<br /><br /> Cami: they make you pee blood and they taste like dirt<br /><br /> Zerilda : noo - you need the vinegar-soaked variety. they are nearly <strike>orgasmic</strike> [hi ma. let's pretend i said electrifying]. and i once *hated* beets. okay next - have you had bacon mayonnaise?<br /><br /> Cami: I don't eat mayo<br /><br /> Zerilda : there is a light version<br /><br /> Cami: unless it's in deviled eggs, which have the word deviled in them, but are not the devil. it isn't the fat it's the gross.<br /><br /> Zerilda : goooood call. <div><p class="hollynonborder">deviled is the only way i like eggs. or some foods</p></div><br /> <br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbRg_7wzHYI/AAAAAAAAADQ/XWw5Cin8ldI/s1600-h/devilled.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 275px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbRg_7wzHYI/AAAAAAAAADQ/XWw5Cin8ldI/s400/devilled.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5310976512067050882" /></a><br /><br /> Cami: when i was a young teen my friends mother told us giving [Men a very nice time] was <div><p class="hollysmall">like eating a hot dog with mayo on it</p></div><br /><br /> Zerilda : charming!<br /><br /> Cami: I find that though horrific, giving [Men a very nice time] is NOTHING like that<br /><br /> Zerilda : i'll have to change giving [Men a very nice time] to something that is family friendly, as my ma will read. <br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbRhRMrliQI/AAAAAAAAADY/-l9PYTBCUUg/s1600-h/hotdogs.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbRhRMrliQI/AAAAAAAAADY/-l9PYTBCUUg/s400/hotdogs.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5310976808666368258" /></a><br /><br /> Zerilda : okay you have a manifesto, do you not? for world, taking over of ? or is it just a general plan to take over said world.<br /><br /> Cami: yes, but it has recently changed<br />I've made it much more realistic and I have associates now.<br />so we're keeping the manifesto secretive for the time being<br /><br /> Zerilda : oh! nice! <br /><br /> Cami: rest assured though I will take over<br /><br /> Zerilda : can your associates be named?<br /><br /> Cami: Not at this time.<br /><div><p class="hollynonborder">the current plan for taking over the world is very real.</p></div><br /><br /> Zerilda : what will be your first and second acts when the world has been taken over?<br /><br /> Cami: we're starting with our fair city and then moving on to the rest of the world.<br /><br /> Zerilda : will i be among the killed?<br /><br /> Cami: and now I have to go watch a movie in the IMAX theater. my chariot awaits<br /><br /> Zerilda : one last question<br /><br /> Cami: go<br /><br /> Zerilda : does my bum look big in this?<br /><br /> Cami: No Zerilda you are a lovely creature and that is a very flattering chat box<br /><br /> Zerilda : thank you! have fun!<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbRiV3GvgNI/AAAAAAAAADg/uibN4F79yZY/s1600-h/world.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 384px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbRiV3GvgNI/AAAAAAAAADg/uibN4F79yZY/s400/world.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5310977988285661394" /></a><br /> <br />//*****************// <br /><br />Well, this leaves many unanswered questions. <br /><br />1) Will I be among the killed? <br /><br />2) What was Watchmen like? <br /><br />But otherwise, a lovely time was briefly had by both. <br /><br /><div><p class="hollynonborder">HAPPY BIRTHDAY CAMI!</p></div>The Superfluous Bloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245813501484871279noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7885598541532805427.post-77652745814622876062009-03-05T23:57:00.000+00:002009-03-06T18:18:01.801+00:00After the concerts, he's going to take up golfingWell well well. It is the end of an era, again.<br /><br />Michael Jackson announced today that he is throwing in the towel on 'it' :<br /><br /><span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204); font-weight: bold;"><a href="http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hF2PrhUDd8zK1EmLb7ceTyIwzq_QD96O5KSO0">"This is it," Jackson said in a brief statement ... "And when I say this is it, I mean this is it."</a></span><br /></span><br /><br /><div><p class="hollynonborder">Please BOB let it be so.<br /></p></div><br /><br />Here he is at the press conference:<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbBwT_SpwuI/AAAAAAAAACg/ufUEA1V4VaY/s1600-h/michaeljackson.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 261px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbBwT_SpwuI/AAAAAAAAACg/ufUEA1V4VaY/s400/michaeljackson.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5309867449379308258" border="0" /></a><br /><br />But by 'it' he kind of means 'ish', because he might be playing gigs elsewhere in the world. So it's just the people in the Kingdom United by the Queen <strike>who he no longer will perform too</strike><i>apparently, at night, grammar skills are gone</i> to whom he will no longer perform, probably.<br /><br />If I were a fan, I would be only mildly worried at this possible cessation. Twice I have gotten in a taxi driven by dudes who were such big fans of Michael they were almost wearing military jackets. One drove with a white glove. Fortunately, I wasn't going very far in either case, because neither of them were very good singers. YES. THEY SANG.<br /><br /><div><p class="hollysmall">Have you ever heard a british taxi driver sing 'Shamone...HEE HEE HEE'? It is very disconcerting.</p></div><br /><br /><span style="font-size:110;"><span style="color: rgb(102, 0, 204); font-weight: bold;"><a href="http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hF2PrhUDd8zK1EmLb7ceTyIwzq_QD96O5KSO0">On Wednesday, Jackson launched a lawsuit against an auction house to stop the scheduled sale of more than 2,000 personal items from Neverland, including platinum and gold records, a customized Harley Davidson and a Rolls Royce limousine.</a></span></span><br /><br />Really. MJ has a Harley. REALLy. Well that's easy to picture. He is such a Hell's Angel-ish dude. The streets would be so much safer if they alleviated him of that possession. I know *I'd* feel safer.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbB34Hfd9WI/AAAAAAAAACo/DJBDEIcMFug/s1600-h/michaelharley.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 284px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbB34Hfd9WI/AAAAAAAAACo/DJBDEIcMFug/s400/michaelharley.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5309875766637229410" border="0" /></a><br /><br />Apparently, if you own expensive things and used to be the King of Pop (they're now saying it's Justin Timberlake...that's really another post...), you can show up more than an hour late.<br /><br />You know, when I'm going to be more than about fifteen minutes late, I call.<br /><br />If I'm going to be more than twenty minutes late, I bring muffins.<br /><br />If I'm going to be an HOUR late, I say I'm not coming. Then I buy the person a great big chocolate apology cake (that's for <a href="http://sybillaw-sybilcrankypants.blogspot.com/">Sybil</a>).<br /><br /><div><p class="hollynonborder">WHERE IS THEIR GREAT BIG CHOCOLATE APOLOGY CAKE?</p></div><br /><br />I imagine Michael's not great in the kitchen, so he'd have to go to PTescos.<br /><br />TO BE CLEAR - I never imagine Michael in his home. I don't need those kind of thoughts in my brain.<br /><br />This is for <a href="http://quilldancer.com/2009/03/04/three-word-thursday-4/">Quilly</a> :<br /><br />I imagine that Michael Jackson's <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">paucity</span> of good sense comes from his post-stardom <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">apanthropinization</span>, which would not have occurred had he stuck with his childhood instrument, the <span style="color: rgb(204, 0, 0); font-weight: bold;">zither</span>.<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbB7-lSIPfI/AAAAAAAAACw/eb0bMorBkSk/s1600-h/mjzither.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 180px; height: 240px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_W3iyQuAdvnQ/SbB7-lSIPfI/AAAAAAAAACw/eb0bMorBkSk/s400/mjzither.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5309880275760070130" border="0" /></a><br /><center><i>Michael, playing an early, less scary version of "Thriller"</i></center>The Superfluous Bloggerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08245813501484871279noreply@blogger.com20