The mission log of an alien on earth.

Not interested in “Fifty Shades” of anything

2015-02-11T19:47:32+00:00

Many human women I know have read the “Fifty Shades of Grey” books. Almost no human men I know will admit to having read them. I have not read them, either. The women I talk to have described it as “poorly written mommy porn.” That is, it is a series of explicit sex scenes stitched together by prose that wouldn’t have passed in ninth-grade English class.

That alone killed any interest I may have had in it. Life, as long as it is for Martians, is still too short to waste reading bad prose.

But on a deeper level, we Martians are opposed to the Bondage, Domination, Sadism and Masochism (BDSM) lifestyle that is (inaccurately) portrayed in the “Fifty Shades” books. Most of us are clones, grown in labs. We don’t express ourselves much in a sexual way. Our bodies are vehicles that we operate, not organisms that we inhabit. From what I’ve observed here, one has to forget oneself to be able to participate in sexual acts. We Martians never forget who we are and what we are. So sex is largely pointless for us, because we can’t really enjoy it. If we want to get Imperial clearance to procreate the old-fashioned way, we do it, and then we participate only enough to ensure that impregnation is successful. And hardly anyone bothers with that anymore.

Beyond that, the form of BDSM portrayed in “Fifty Shades” is repugnant. It involves one person forcing their will upon another in the most intimate yet violent, violative way possible. And that concept is anathema to how we Martians behave. In our relationships, we set very clear boundaries. We clearly state what is and is not permissible behavior. We may not discuss something until the subject comes up, but when it does, we always ask before we do anything near, with, or to another person’s body.

If that person’s answer to our question is “no,” then we don’t do it. If there is no response, then we don’t do it. Because part of our agreement is, if we violate the other’s trust, particularly in intimate settings, then at best, we will never again be allowed to be in close proximity to the other person. At worst, we may be murdered in our sleep in retaliation for what we have done.

It’s that serious.

In short, we take extreme care in our relations with other Martians. Because our lives depend on it. We know that none of us are irreplaceable.

“Fifty Shades of Grey” takes place in a fantasy world where there are no permanent repercussions for violating another person’s trust in an intimate and/or violent way. That book would never have been written on Mars. Sadly, not only was it written on Earth, they’re releasing a film based on it. That’s going to give a lot of humans incorrect ideas about how sexual relationships work.