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Monday, January 28, 2008

Dear ....I had always wanted to tell you that I love you but my lips were sealed as my heart didn't allow me to throw my words out ..I wish you could see behind my smile all the hidden feelings.

It is said that the most precious possession that ever comes to a man in life is a woman's heart ..the broken pieces of my heart still love you and will always love you only you, I wont ever tell you that you are the only person I look up to every time I am lonely you are the only best thing that has ever happened to me. Tears r words that my heart cant say and my heart has alll those hidden tears deep inside it.

It really hurts when all the best things in life turn into memories which are unforgettable. I know that you never felt the same way for me but I still kept loving you .I kept my eyes closed although everything was so clear.The problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me I can't force myself to stop loving you .Love has no beginning and no ending it is always there but you only need to feel it .The scars you can't see are the hardest to heal to die and part is less evil than to than to part and live..missing you gets easier every day because even though it's one day further from the last time I saw you , it's one day closer to the next time I will see you, do remember

Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worth while.

So when you are lonely, remember it's true Somebody somewhere is thinking of you.love you always ...

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I know that you love her and through all the pain and tears im still in love with you. I wish you'd chosen me but i guess there is a reason for everything. If only you could see behind my smile you would see all the pain. You act all innocent but i know you are not. I wish i could be in your arms right now but she has taken my place in your heart. I wish many things that just won't come true. I know that your heart is taken over by her but do you think you could make just a tiny place for me?

Trying to love you is like a broken pencil..there is no point. She has taken my place and there is nothing I can do. All our times spent laughing and making memories are gone forever left in the dust. The "i love yous", letters and gifts are gone forever too.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

When we attended the same school more than 13 years ago, I never dreamt that someone like you would be interested in me. We got chatting on facebook about 6 weeks ago, and just clicked.

If only you never moved out of town, we could've met and who knows what could have happened. Sunday I got half way to your new hometown, but what was the use, you are with your wife, and how do I get hold of you anyway? I turned back, realizing that the crush I had on you in school never went away. The feelings just get stronger, and I don't know if it is a good thing. I can't stop thinking of you. I hope that when you read this letter, that you can give me some kind of indication of where I stand with you - are you still interested, do you still want to meet some day? I have so many questions that I need to ask you.

You are still on holiday and i miss our chats. I check my phone so many times a day, but no sms's, no messages on Mxit, nothing....That is when I ask myself: does he really feel the way he said? Some days I feel like running away from everything, but as I have learnt in the pass, your life will follow you where ever you go.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Your Letter Never Sent:: Where do I begin? For so long I was happy to be alone, and then you cam ein to my life and changed all that.There was so much promise there. And look at us now. You cannot even talk to me. isn't it funny how things work out?

You know I wish that we had talked and not just spoken. I wish that you had had the nerve to sit down and listen to what I had to say, then it would have been so different. I guess that in the end it all came down to one thing. I could not trust you. All the broken promises, the unanswered phone calls and texts, all the times that you stood me up and never had the courage or courtousy to pick up the phone and say, "sorry."!

You are a coward Roberto. And your cowardice is what drove me, and so many of your "friends" away from you. I know that it was complicated between us, but heh, cancer complicates lives. All the shit I was going through you just compounded. You know all I ever wanted was for you to sit with me, watch some TV, sleep next to me. I never needed you to tell me that it was going to be okay, we knoew that was not the case. But a little bit of support, you know?

You went through our time that we had "together" as if you were my boyfriend when it suited you. First you tell me nothing can happen between us, then two weeks later you're flirting with me. Do you know how confusing that was? At first I thought you were testing me to make sure that I could be just your friend, but then ...well I never knew whether I was coming or going half the time. And when I told you that I loved you, I really thought that you would understand I was begging you to stop what I thought was your game. AH!!!

You know that sad thing is, I am still not over you. But you have been so quick to freeze me out of your life, so I guess your feelings were not that deep. Make no mistake, I will get over you. I will try to forget you, push you in to a corner of my mind that I do not visit very often. I said it to you before Rob, your Mum did you no favours walking out on you, you have abadonment issues. Yet what you do not realise is that that is what drives people that cared for you away. How sad for you. Because now is the time that you need people around you that really care for you. Like I did, I loved you! The second man I have ever really loved and because you cannot bear to talk or communicate we lost it. I guess you really never had our love written in your plans at all did you?

I thought I hated you, but I think that was just misplaced anger. No, I think I pity you. Both of us are sick, and yet I am the one that will go first and you are the one that cannot except your fate. The time has come Roberto. Accept what you cannot change and learn to live with it otherwise it will drive you mad. And stop hiding in your job, stop hiding behind your illness and for once be a man. Stand up and be counted, you and i both know that you may not have that long for people to notice you. I wish I could be there for you, I think that you cared, but now I am never sure. That, my friend, is a reflection on you, not me.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

I still dream of you Kim. I wish I had a chance to speak with you and say sorry. I made a mistake. Hope you are happy where ever you are. I accept that you are missing and don't want to be found. Hope you found what you were looking for.

Their is not a day that goes by that I don't think about us and what could have been between us. I never knew that I was capable of loving a man as much as I loved you but I guess the joke was on me b/c now your with someone who isn't me. What hurts the most is that I have to see you everyday and every time I look at you,I think about our past. That was suppose to be us!!!!!!

We were suppose to grow and in spite of all the xxxxx up shit I did to you and as much as you want to put the blame on me I think you forgot about all the xxxxx up shit you did to me!!!!

Did you forget everything that i took from you? after all the LIES and BULLSHIT and drama we went threw who kept coming back?

I fought for you and tried to work shit out with you and you just gave up everything like it was SHIT to you!!!!!!

I know you still feel the same way because you wouldn't keep coming back to me till this day!!!!!!!

And as stubborn as you are, you still wont admit the feelings are still their.

What are you afraid of? I don't want to hurt you,I just want to love you and prove to you that I'm worth it. I always knew you were special but I guess you didn't see that in me. We have so much history!!!!

I've known you for 2 years and for you to throw it all away like that is xxxxxx up!!!!!!

how can you leave me so sick like that and the crazy shit is every xxxxx I tried to replace you with doesn't compare to you!!!!!!!!!!!

You forgot everything!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did you forget about the long conversations that lasted till 6 am and how you use to fall asleep on the phone,the loud laughs that use to wake my mom up, us staying in each others dorms and apartment, us drinking together, us being lazy and staying in and watching movies all day,us studying our pieces b/c we knew if we didn't get it together we will get our asses kicked,the first time you pulled me against the wall at ma-riage to i'm sprung, the nicknames we gave each other. . . . . damn you!!!!

I hate you for not having faith in us, for choosing her over me. I could have been that one if you would have given me that chance but I guess their is nothing left than to let our memories burn. Ive held on for so long,hoping that one day you would come back to me and forgive me for everything I did but I've lost all hope. I just hope shes worth it because nothing could ever compare to what we had. I love you and you will always be my first love but I'm threw wondering what if. . . .