Some of you may have seen that my FI proposed just over a month ago now and we’ve just come back from Paris to celebrate which was amazing! Such a lovely city. When I came back everyone said OMG it must have been the most magical, romantic experience ever, you must have been all over each other etc etc…it was lovely don’t get me wrong, we had a great time but it was just us, but in Paris.

We have been together almost three years, we get on really well (we’re opposities but it works), we’re silly, we playfight, we have a routine, we have great relationships with each others families and have awsome mutual friends. We are comfortable and settled, I don’t get butterflies when I see him and we aren’t all over each other all the time, we don’t feel the need to cling to each other when we’re out and we both do our own things.

People seem to think if you don’t have that gooy loved up, my tummy flips when I think about him and as soon as he walks through the door we jump each other that you are ‘too’ comfortable and there is something wrong? I just feel comfortable, I love him with all my heart, couldn’t imagine my life with anybody else and we still make an effort, we go out for a meals, I dress up nice, buy silly gifts/bottle of wine/chocolate (I occasionally buy him a Kinder Egg just for fun) and we cuddle, hold hands etc but I think the fact we’re engaged and getting married and I feel exactly the same and not OTT excited/nervous is a good not bad thing?

@FutureMrsMarlow: I get it. There are certain things that DH does that get me really excited and butterfly feeling, and I love him with my whole heart but to say that I am over the moon in love with him like when we experienced every first? No. It’s a different kind of love. I love him more than I ever have and that love grows stronger every day, but it isn’t the same kind of gushy mushy love like we used to have, and that is ok.

Sometimes DH gives me butterflies (like when he leaned over in the car the other day, held my hand, and said “You are going to be SUCH a good Mom. I mean, I’m going to be a Dad. We do some stuff, but nothing like Moms. And you’re going to be SUCH an amazing one.”)

But I definitely didn’t get butterflies the day before, when he was whining that I made dessert for his family but none for that night and did I do the packing? And his emplyees can be so incompetent! And why were the peppers cooked differently at dinner???

@FutureMrsMarlow: Movies, books, tv have all made us think that love and romance is this over the top, crazy romantic gesture filled thing. In reality, a relationship has to handle daily monotony (wake up, go to work, come home, forage dinner, do your thing and then go to sleep). I think what’s wrong is some people expect it to be like their very first love where every nerve ending is awake and emotions run wild. It’s not. Do you love him to the very bottom of your heart? Do you have eyes for anyone else? If your answers are yes, no, you’re doing pretty good.

@FutureMrsMarlow: There’s nothing wrong with being comfortable, but I still like to keep some boundaries- FI isn’t allowed access to the bathroom while I’m using the toilet, and he’s not allowed to poo while I’m in the shower, lol. I feel like some things are better left to the imagination (or not imagined at all).

But as far as the butterflies go, it’s totally normal for them to subside. There is probably something he does that still gives you butterflies, but it just might not be as often as before. Which is good, because how exhausting would it be to constantly have butterflies for the next 50 years?

I think it depends on the kind of relationship you want. I learned that, for me, butterflies are actually a bad thing. If I’m feeling butterflies it’s because I’m nervous and insecure. So no, I don’t want to have butterflies. What I want is the calm security of my relationship with my husband. That is what is best for me. But some people need butterflies, and it works for them. To each their own.

FWIW, I once read an article that talked about the 2 basic types of relationships/marriages. You can have the boyfriend type of marriage based on chemistry, where there is a constant spark, you are always courting each other, chasing those butterfly feelings, fighting intensely and then making up intensely, etc. Or you can have the best friend type of marriage, where things tend to be calm and stable, with less intense feelings, where things center less around your “spark” and more around your “compatibality”. Obviously each unique relationship probably has elements of both types, but they do tend to more strongly favor one type than the other. All of my relationships prior to Mr. LK were boyfriend types, based on fiery passion. So when I found myself in a relationship with my (eventual) husband, and things were much more stable and calm, it was very weird. I worried that our lack of that intense spark meant that we were doomed. But it turned out to be our saving grace. The “lack” of intensity means it’s much easier for us to work together, see things from the other person’s perspective, compromise, and put our relationship first in every decision. Our compatibility is our foundation, and that is what allows us to have a successful marriage. I don’t miss that fire in our relationship. I watched that fire consume and ultimately destroy me a few too many times before. I’ll gladly take the slow and steady warmth Mr. Lk and I have.

There’s a lot to be said for comfort! It should never be confused with taking someone for granted, admittedly, but actually I’d hate for DH and I to exist on a rollercoaster of emotional highs and lows just because we were concerned that our marriage wasn’t exciting enough without them.

@gingerkitten: the open door policy and him coming in to do a number two or visa versa while the other is in the shower is a no no! Our comfort/intimacy doesn’t extend to personal space, my toilet time is my toilet time and his, his! Also, my shower/bath time is my own too, door is shut it’s my time, he likes his privacy, if I walk in on him going to the toilet he tells me to get out and give him privacy so that’s not a problem lol

Comfortable is good. It does mean that you have a healthy normal relationship… even keeled, not a lot of up & down DRAMA & TRAUMA going on

There should be some “butterflies” on occasion tho… the kind that let you know inside your head & heart that he’s the one. He does something and you do feel all warm & mushy about him… or he’s away on a business trip, and you get kind of silly anticipating his return that day.

Those are all GOOD THINGS too.

I was married the first time for over 20 years… I still had butterflies.

Mr TTR & I have been together almost a decade… we still get butterflies…

@lovekiss: That’s a really good way of summerising it, I have had that also in previous relationships, the lust factor as I call it! You lust after them, it’s firey and more about the passion than anything and you can get lost in that and it’s not healthy. I always found I felt sick with anxiety all the time and remember thinking ‘I just want to be normal, comfortable’! I guess it’s different for everyone. I wonder if some couples say things like ‘it must have been the most romantic, amazing, loved-up thing ever’ just to make you think their relationship is always like that (which it probably isn’t) 🙂

@This Time Round: I agree with the little butterflies when he does something in particular that’s really sweet or when he is away, the first night I’m like yay I can have my space and do what I want etc then after that I’m like aww I miss him!

Great description. Around our house Mr TTR & I have made a similar statement… we call it like hte OP a LUST vs LOVE situation.

Both Mr TTR & I are Encores… and we say that our past Marriages / Relationships were based on more LUST (than LOVE or TRUST) which is why they either burned themselves out / burned themselves up… OR were filled with too much frickin DRAMA & TRAUMA

This time round our relationship & marriage is very very different for both of us… we were friends first, and we were soooo gun-shy about Marriage cause of our horrible Divorces that we actually just kept on dating not wanting to jinx anything… always wondering when the other shoe would drop and the awful Drama & Trauma would come knocking at our door.

Six years on it hadn’t so we got engaged. Seven years on we got married. Eight years on and Drama & Trauma are still no where in sight.

Just trust, love, comfort & peace

I’ll “settle” for this any day. Thank you very much.

PS… Doesn’t mean we don’t have intense passion (lust) in our relationship or butterflies… that very much can and does happen… it just happens WHEN appropriate… not a rollercoaster manic situation where we are waaaay up high or down in the trenches fighting with each other etc (we rarely disagree on stuff, let along argue, or fight)