Sister's attitude damaging

As you make decisions about giving for the holidays, you might run into the problem facing a reader who asked me to weigh in on a dilemma she's having with her sister.

Comment

By Michelle Singletary

recordnet.com

By Michelle Singletary

Posted Dec. 4, 2013 at 12:01 AM

By Michelle Singletary
Posted Dec. 4, 2013 at 12:01 AM

» Social News

As you make decisions about giving for the holidays, you might run into the problem facing a reader who asked me to weigh in on a dilemma she's having with her sister.

The background: Two married sisters have similar household salaries. "Generally, my husband and I are frugally minded, and we don't have kids yet, so it may seem like we make more. She (the other sister) is not frugally minded, so she often feels like they are bleeding money, when they could probably cut back."

The conflict: Their parents tried to make sure they helped each child equally - same spending on college, weddings, etc., according to the sister who wrote to me by email. But the sister who corresponded is concerned about a situation in which she received a generous monetary gift and her sister didn't.

Two years ago, she says, her godfather, with whom she is very close, gave her and her husband a gift of money to help toward the purchase of their first house. "It was a generous gift but did not make or break our home-buying experience," she said. "We bought a house we could afford and used his gift to replenish our savings."

Her sister, who has different godparents who did not give her money when she purchased her first house, has brought up the money a few too many times. She keeps fishing for how much money her sibling received.

I've only gotten one side of the story, but nonetheless, based on the tone of her sister's remarks, there seems to be some deeper issues at play.

The dilemma: "Should I just tell my sister the exact amount of the gift and put it to rest? Or is that just feeding the jealousy monster?"

What I think: I would not give the inquiring sister any details. It's none of her business how much you've received. Besides, this isn't about the money. It's about her sense of entitlement. The sister is also probably trying to rationalize and mask the mistakes she's made as a result of her bad decisions or poor money management. It's a typical case of her projecting her own failures onto her sibling and feeling deprived even though they both started out with equal resources and privilege. She has driven herself to such a jealous state that good judgment fails her. I suspect details won't deter her envy.

Still, her sibling is sympathetic. "I understand I hit the godparent jackpot," the one sister wrote. "I feel badly that my sister doesn't have a similar relationship with her godfather. But then, she has blessings in her life as well - supportive in-laws, beautiful and smart children. I think we won't get anywhere in trying to keep score of gifts and blessings."

Exactly. You can't keep score and shouldn't try, because life isn't fair.

Ignore her childish comments and leave her to deal with her demons, because this isn't about the dollars she didn't get.

Contact Michelle Singletary, a financial columnist at The Washington Post, at michelle.singletary@washpost.com.