Cheese

Previously on RuPaul’s Drag Race the remaining queens were tasked with starring in the Grease inspired Trump: The Rusical, which saw Silky slay as Oprah despite not loving the small role bequeathed by Scarlet. On the other end of the spectrum, Ra’Jah and Mercedes were forgettable at best and as such landed in the bottom two and sweet Mercedes going home.

Back in the Werk Room the queens felt sad to lose their cyst, though Yvie did point out that she wasn’t as strong and she is keen to start thinning the pack. The queens congratulated Silky on her victory before Scarlet made it about her and pointed out that she was congratulated for her casting, which annoyed the hell out of Ariel. Silky invited everyone on a girl’s trip which made everyone wonder how the no men allowed would go for Brooke and Vanjie since they are deeply and madly in love. Talk turned to lip syncing, with Ra’Jah pointing out she will lip sync every damn week if she needs to which Yvie pointed out that she should focus on winning challenges instead if she wants a shot at the crown which made Ra’Jah super annoyed. She then got petty and questioned whether Yvie bathes and while she doesn’t have a hope of winning, I live for the drama while she keeps making excuses. Oh and apparently Dallas is the big d … when I thought Chris from Survivor had the big D.

The next day the queens settled on the Branjie couple name before Silky got to work sourcing herself a manses, making out with Nina and I’m equally aroused and feel like I need a bath. Like Yvie, apparently. Before I could explore my feels, Ru arrived to challenge the girls to become living dolls that could be doll Ru’s best friend. They were joined with Trixie Mattel to give tips on how to be a doll … and be nice to people because you never know when a jury is going to hit. Trixie ran around the Werk Room reading the girls before the dolls debuted their looks, with Nina’s pussy power doll being my personal favourite. The queens all did a fairly good job, though Ariel, Scarlet and Brooke felt kinda flat. While Yvie, Ra’Jah, A’Keria and the aforementioned Nina slayed, while Vanjie was demented and I still live. Ra’Jah ultimately took out the mini-challenge, which didn’t give her any advantage in the upcoming Halloween Ball where the queens would rock looks in the Trampy Trick or Treater, Witch Please! and MILF eleganza – Monster I’d like to Freak – categories.

The queens all broke off to their work stations to start working on their looks, with Silky taking advice from A’Keria and Vanjie as she has no idea what the hell to do. Yvie was growing tired of Silky riding her personality to the end and was hopeful that this is the time Silky challenges herself, though given Silky doesn’t want to serve spook, I don’t see her slaying. Brandi continued to snuggle and damn Brooke in overalls can get it like my dear Luke Perry in Bev Hills season 1. I mean, dem nips. Swoon.

Ru returned to chat to the queens, with Nina embarrassing herself by saying someone was in Murder She Wrote when she wasn’t making Ru turn into the shame lady from Game of Thrones. Ru encouraged her to stop listening to the voices in her head and turn a better look than her last design challenge. Shuga vowed to look at what the frontrunners are doing and inject more of herself in the challenges. She spoke about coming to drag late in life and feeling reborn, and I live. Ru dropped by to discover Brooke put a shirt on and discuss her ideas for the challenge, with Brooke’s genius idea to be a murderous perennial pageant runner-up as the monster being poo pooed, though I hope she sticks to her guns. Plastique was hoping that Brooke would stumble in the challenge, given she came so close to winning the first design challenge though Silky wasn’t confident that Plastique could serve anything but pretty in a corset. While Ru learnt that Yvie was planning to serve glamour in addition to her odd.

With Ru exiting, it was left to Vanjie and Plastique to get inside Ariel’s head, given her monster look was just a cute mermaid look. And Plastique doesn’t see that being enough. Brooke caught up with The Dreamgirls – aka A’Keria, Vanjie and Silky – and announced that she is getting rid of her pageant idea, and instead serving a glamorous lady in black wearing a snake, which everyone found even more confusing. Not going with glamour however is Scarlet, who was coming for the creature from Black Lagoon’s gig, though given the dress was riddled with holes, no one felt confident but her.

Elimination Day rolled around with the girls excited about all the looks that would be served on the runway. Ariel liked having to push herself, while Yvie shared her first drag experience was being a ho to her mum’s pimp. Silky wandered around the Werk Room to get everyone in the mood, though I don’t understand why she wasn’t focused on getting ready. But it was charming – or charmin – so I’ll let it slide.

Ru, Michelle and Ross were joined by the iconic Elvira and my gal Cara Delevingne on the judging panel. In the Trampy Treak or Treater category, A’Keria served Vegas Glam, Vanjie served Victoria’s Secret, Plastique served Playboy Bunny, all looking stunning. Scarlet went for a slutty pirate and was cute while Nina went for Little Shop of Horrors and looked adorable. Ra’Jah looked good as a pussy and well, Shuga was Tempest Dujour bad as a troll doll. Brooke then arrived on point as a mummy en pointe and owned the category, though I did like Ariel’s syringe look. Wait, no, Yvie came out as a sexy dinosaur and glued dinosaur feet to heels and I live. Silky was cute as a unicorn, though it felt super flat coming after Yvie.

For Witch Please! A’Keria was scary beautiful as a Disney villain, Vanjie looked glorious in a new silhouette, Plastique was hot and horny while Scarlet served swamp witch and I love it because it wasn’t glamour. Nina stole the show as a burning Salem witch, Ra’Jah served wicked witch realness while Shuga overcame the troll mess with a killer Bloody Mary look. Brooke stole the show again channeling Cara Delevingne with some enchantress realness while Ariel went for Into the Woods realness and Yvie freaked me out with her milky eyed glamour witch while Silky went for Wiz wonder. When it came to MILF eleganza, A’Keria spun a glamorous web as a sexy spider, while Vanjie was cute as a zombie fresh from the grave and Plastique went for a murdery madam. Scarlet’s Black Lagoon look came together well and I live, despite the gap in the neck. Nina was beautiful despite her face falling off, Ra’Jah served bone on bone on bone – just like my weekends – and Shuga backslid as the bride of Satan. Brooke looked stunning as her black widow, despite how much I wish she stuck with her original idea. Ariel’s mermaid didn’t serve Halloween, though was cute, while once again Yvie spooked it out with a voodoo dolls look. Silky served a sexy, shiny red gown though still didn’t look scary, even with her bloody glitter tears.

Nina, A’Keria, Scarlet, Vanjie and Ra’jah were ultimately deemed safe, leaving the judges to heap praise on Plastique for looking absolutely stunning in each category, though Michelle would love for a little more personality rather than pretty. Shuga’s troll look was rightly read for filth, despite how sweet the story of them being her only friends as a kid may have been. The other two didn’t fare much better. Brooke received universal praise, with Elvira blown away by her ballet and Cara moved by her Enchantress look. Ariel’s syringe look was praised for its good idea, despite the sloppy execution, Michelle hated the other two looks however and Ross grew tired of the cutesy looks week after week. Everyone loved Yvie’s dinosaur look and the performance on the MainStage, the witch look was simple and stunning while the judges were down on the voodoo doll look, despite me kinda liking it. Elvira loved Silky’s unicorn look, while everyone felt she didn’t really push herself in any of the categories and was kinda bland.

Thanks to her final stumble, Yvie was sent to safety alongside Plastique as Brooke snatched her second victory of the season. At the other end of the pack, Shuga landed in the bottom before Silky was ultimately sent to safety, leaving Shuga to battle it out against Ariel to Whit’s I’m Your Baby Tonight. While both queens started out super strong and things were neck and neck, Ariel got caught in her train halfway through and fell to the stage – as Ru stifled a giggle – allowing Shuga to overtake, with not even a Naomi-esque backbend enough to save her as she found herself becoming the fifth boot.

Poor Ariel took her boot pretty hard, disappointed that she never really got the chance to show people what she was made of as a performer. I held her tight, took a deep breath and then confessed that I may have had a hand in her early exit, thanks to the viral spread of my pizza curse. She flew into a rage and we screamed at each other – her, for me ruining her life and me, because I am a messy bitch that loves the drama – until she smelt the waft of Ariel Verscaiola Pizza from the oven, when she calmed down and accepted that Manila Luzon is good company to keep.

Salty, truffly and oh so decadent, this pizza may not be healthy for your waistline, but damn does it do a soul some good! Did I mention truffle?

Smear passata over the prepared bases, sprinkle of the herbs, dot with mushrooms, slices of bresaola and chunks of taleggio before drizzling with truffle oil and sprinkling with mozzarella for good measure.

Transfer to the oven and bake for fifteen minutes, or until bubbly and golden.

We’ve reached the halfway point of my farewell to Broad City – sniff, I love you Abbi, Arturo and Hannibal – and TBH, I am starting to overstay my welcome like Bevers. So obviously I got John Gemberling to drop by and allay my fears, and celebrate him the way that poor Bevers never really has.

While I’ve known John for quite some time form the ol’ UCB days, we didn’t grow close until he started working on Broad City. After the gals asked me to coach him on how to be as annoying as possible. Which would be a slight, if I didn’t know how loveable they find me.

John’s career has really taken off over the last few years and I am so proud of everything he has achieved. Particularly since, no doubt, my coaching helped him reach the pinnacle of success that is a part in the greatest animated program of all time, Big Mouth.

Back on topic though, I am so happy that John was able to fit me into his busy schedule and free-load off me in honour of the finale, by smashing a John Gemburgerling or seven.

While I didn’t invent the concept of a gem burger, I will take ownership for the majesty of this little baby. Crispy potato slabs work well with In’N’Out sauce, bacon and sweet, sweet onions to create one of the greatest burgers of all time, right Kanye?

MethodHeat a waffle iron over medium heat, and assemble 10 gems per plate. Press to close and cook for five minutes each side, or until you have golden, crisp waffles. Repeat the process until you have 8 waffles.

Meanwhile heat a lug of oil in a saucepan over medium heat and sweat the onions for five minutes before reducing to low and caramelising for half an hour or so, adding a small amount of water if needed to deglaze the pan.

Next mix the mayo, ketchup, pickle and champagne vinegar in a jug and whisk to combine.

Squeeze as much liquid out of the mince as possible and place in a large bowl. Add a generous whack of salt and pepper and combine with your hands. Divide into 4 patties, place on a plate lined with cling, cover and place in the fridge for about an hour or so.

Heat a large pan or griddle and brush with oil, and cook the bacon until crispy. Remove to some kitchen paper.

Brush the pan with some more oil, if needed, and when searingly hot place the patties on the pan, pushing down with a spatula until they are roughly 1cm thick. Squeeze some mustard on the top and cook for a few minutes. Flip the patties and cook for a further minute.

To assemble, smear some sauce on a waffle and top with bacon, followed by caramelised onions and the pattie. Top with cheese and another drizzle of sauce before closing with one final waffle. Devour immediately.

To be completely honest with you, it was an agonising decision to have to pick between the two kweens of Broad City, as I count down to its heartbreaking, soul shaking, crushing end this week. The choice, I imagine, would be like trying to pick one’s favourite phone wig.

In any event, I had to make my choice like Sophie, and I settled on the hand-shaking icon that is the one Miss Abbi Jacobson.

I’ve been a close friend of both broads since they’re time at UCB, and shocked even myself, when I didn’t cut them from my life as soon as they opted to produce Broad City without me. They’re reason making so much sense, in that I, their teacher, could intimidate the with my talent.

But this is about my glorious bond with Ab, so I need to get back on track. As an avid, half-arsed videographer, we bonded when she put her MICA training to use by trying to give me some tricks of the trade. While most people would call me a lost cause, Abs pushed through and for that I am forever grateful.

While I had my guard up and was pretty grumpy when she arrived at my door – the phrase, “you and Ilana have betrayed me by ending the show on a high note, on your own terms,” may have been uttered – she quickly softened the blow by reminding me that the episodes will live on forever. And by promising me that they will give me in character skypes each month.

With that, I no longer held it against her and was strong enough to toast their success with a freshly toasted, Broad City approved Ab-BEC Jacobson.

The gals have oft extolled the virtues of a bodega sandwich, but TBH, I was always too terrified to try one given the fact I only stumbled into bodegas to get beer and use extremely flawed ATMs. But one time Abs took me by force and I fell in love. While I am tragically bodega-less in Brisbane, this little home-job sure makes me feel like I’m back in the boroughs. Salty, gooey and oh so warming – can you tell I’m under a really cold air-con vent right now? – this bagel is near perfection.

MethodPlace a skillet over medium heat until nice and hot. Add the bacon and cook, flipping once, until glorious and crisp. Remove from the pan to drain on some kitchen paper.

Add the bagels to pan, split side down, and cook for a couple of minutes, or until they’re golden and crisp on the inside. Remove from the pan and line the bottom half with three rashers of bacon each and a slice of cheese.

Finally pour the eggs into the pan and cook, folding on top of itself, until just set. Immediately place on top of the bacon and cheese. Another another slice of cheese, just because, and close up sandy.

Devour immediately, with a mixture of BEC joy and Broad City abandonment issues.

I know it is stupid and I sound so whiny – I am a diva, so like Britney, leave me alone – but damn did I need this time with Florence to perk myself back up – sorry, raise – and focus on what is important in life.

I mean, as soon as Florence got off the plane and held me in her arms it was like happiness hit me like a train on the track.

It should really come as no surprise to me, given we’ve known each other since attending Thomas’s London Day School as young kids. Fun fact: I was the one that suggested Kathy and Will send my godson George there.

While it has been a few years since we’ve had the time to catch-up, it felt like not a day had gone by since our last date. We laughed – even about the fact I was outside her door for Grammy Gold before realising she is just a nominee – we cried and she cheered me the fuck up over a big plate of my Florgeres Welch.

Crunchy on the outside, delicate and creamy on the inside, these sweet cigars are the perfect treat to bring people together and turn around your mood. Am I putting too much power into food? Sure. But what else am I meant to do?

Blitz the cheeses, caster sugar and cinnamon in a blender or stand mixer until well combined.

Place a sheet of filo on the bench, brush with some butter and top with a second slice of filo. More butter, more filo, more butter and a fourth and final piece of filo.

Cut the filo tower into quarters and spoon 1 tbsp of filling along the short edge. Roll over to just cover the filling, fold in the edges and then continue rolling to form a small cigar, brush with butter and place on a lined baking sheet. Repeat the process until the four are done. Then repeat the process with the remaining filo.

Transfer to the oven to bake for ten minutes, or until golden and crispy. Devour immediately, sprinkled with some cinnamon.

Previously on Survivor Joe and Aubry had only managed to find one friend on the Kama tribe in the form of Aurora, which made her on the bottom with them by default. Meanwhile Manu were struggling to win challenges except for a large chicken reward, which Wendy wanted to let loose to get money from Sia. Despite being the obvious target for that and her injured ankle, Wardog – cringe – got the target off her and Wentworth – who David still wanted to take out – instead turning the tribe on Chris. And thankfully sending him and the beautiful way he fills his boxers to Extinction, rather than off my TV forever.

Sadly for him the welcome party of Reem and Keith weren’t overly supportive of him being booted, given he voted both of them out and they are super salty. Given she is the queen of Extinction, Reem was not feeling sympathetic at all and TBH, I still love her.

The next day we returned to Manu where Kelley pointed out how skinny Wendy is, which was the perfect distraction for returning the flint. Sadly they all realised that Wendy had taken it, pissing off Kelley and Lauren, while she confided in David that she did it to save the chickens. Everyone but Wendy and David pow-wowed on the beach to confirm that she will be the next to go, which obviously led to both tribes joined Probst on a beach for the next challenge. Psyche, it’s time to drop your buffs people! Only it wasn’t much off a swap. The new green tribe – Lesu – is made up entirely of the Manu tribe that wanted to get rid of Wendy, minus Wendy … who was joined on Manu by Aubry, Gavin, Eric and Victoria while Joe, Ron, Julie, Julia and Aurora remained on Kama. So basically All Stars swap that should have been the end of Amber, and instead ended Boston Rob’s friendship with Lex and Kathy.

Which still breaks my heart.

At the reduced Kama tribe they fivesome got to dancing, with Joe feeling a new lease on life given the numbers are down and he can build new relationships while others are away. He and Ron went for a chat by the well to solidify their bond and take control with Aurora. Sadly for Joe it was all a scam on Ron’s part, who pulled him aside to allow Julia to go through his bag and check if he has an idol. And damn, the peppy teacher has game and I live. Oh and we know Joe doesn’t have the idol. At the new Lesu tribe, Manu minus Wendy were hopeful that they could finally win a challenge given things are fairly even now. Though Rick knew that given they have no odd person out, they are screwed and will splinter quickly. We checked in with Kelley, who was struggling by having to start from scratch again until she was distracted by Lauren who was starting to break down, feeling nauseated, exhausted and was missing her supports.

Over at Manu, Wendy gave her new tribemates a tour of the camp and was super cute and lulling everyone into a false sense of security. While Aubry was thrilled to no longer be on the bottom, that disarming charm made her want to work with Wendy. Particularly since she gave them all a complete rundown on her former tribe, pointing out Kelley was the godfather and she and David were out to get each other the entire time. Talk turned to the chickens, with the former Kama members excited to kill one and have a snack and you could see the moment Wendy decided to release them. And with that, she waited until the cover of darkness and set them free. Which surely isn’t going to end well for her.

We returned to the Island of Extinction where Keith and Reem continued to sulk and be bitter about being stuck on their own, with Keith willing the flag to raise with his mind. Keith was still angry with Chris for blindsiding him and while Reem tried to bring him around, poor sweet Chris got introspective and dealt with his need and desire to be perfect. He then walked up the beach in the boxers, glistening in sea water with fish and I just fainted from dehydration.

Back at Manu Eric awoke to discover that the chickens have disappeared, going to Victoria and Aubry to complain about how desperately they wanted food. Sadly for Big Wendy, the chickens skulked about the jungle within earshot, which made the tribe desperate to catch them, kill them and vote out Wendy. Which she said would be better than seeing the chicken eaten.

Before we can see if the chickens are recaught, Probst returned for this week’s immunity challenge where the tribes would have to run over A-frame, pull a crate along a track and open said crate to release puzzle pieces and then, obvi, solve said puzzle. The rain started pouring down making everyone’s lives harder, though Manu managed to get out to an early lead, with Kama close behind and Lesu trailing. Badly. Until the final A-frame, where Lesu managed to close the gap, though not by much. Kama and Manu got to the puzzle neck-and-neck, with Lesu still closing the gap. The puzzle is too hard to tell who is in front, so obviously Kama took out victory as did Manu, just. Sending the tribe with only OG Manus back to tribal.

Back at camp the tribe quickly got to scrambling, despite being heartbroken that they would have to turn on each other after voting together all season. David and Rick went for a walk and decided Kelley has a hidden immunity idol, and as such, they should vote against Lauren. Particularly since she is sick. Speaking of the ladies, they vowed not to turn against each other and identified Rick as the most likely person to flip, deciding to pull in Wardog to take him out. Wentworth approached Wardog, who pointed out that he is in the middle of two pairs, though given he saved Wentworth and turned on his closest ally, I don’t see it as that bigger struggle. He checked in with everyone, with the boys locking in Lauren and the girls set on Rick, while the Wardog was only sure about referring to himself in third person.

At tribal council Probst got the news update from Rick who seemed well aware that he could very much be leaving the game tonight, despite the tribes loves for one another. And respect, which Wardog doesn’t want Probst to forget. Lauren lamented the pain of starting over on a new beach, Wentworth admitted her first two appearances meant nothing and being stuck in the rain is shitty for everyone. She then broke down about how close they’ve gotten and how hard this tribal is and damn, I still love her. Rick echoed the sentiment, Wardog spoke about how despite the pain, he still loves the game. Rick spoke about being scared in life, and hoping that he could work through it thanks to the game. David mentioned how much stronger he is thanks to his first game and putting himself out there. Lauren continued the love in, though admitted that this tribal will see a line drawn in the sand no matter how they feel. David and Kelley said it was one of their most special, saddest tribals before the tribe voted and poor Rick found himself voted out of the tribe and sent to live with the man-god known as Chris and his bitter posse. Because he obviously wasn’t turning down his chance.

I did add a little bit of excitement however, as instead of waiting before the sign and helping Rick make his decision, I jumped out as he was about to board the boat and scared the living hell out of him. But given I gave him a big ol’ bowl of Ricklette Devens to go, he couldn’t hold a grudge.

Raclette has become a social media champ of late, with its melty goodness and while I avoid that technique here, it is still glorious. Earthy mushrooms, sweet thyme and the punch of raclette mingle together for a mind blowing, simple pasta.

While it is getting its rollick on, melt the butter in a large saucepan over high heat. Once foaming, add the mushrooms and cook for five minutes, or until the liquid has reabsorbed. Add the garlic and chilli and cook for a minute before adding the vermouth to deglaze. Bring to the boil, reduce heat to low, season and add thyme.

Drain the pasta, reserving a cup of the cooking water. Add the pasta and cheese to the pain and stir to combine, loosening with the cooking water until you get the desired consistency.

Previously on Drag Race the fourteen new queens and the icon, the meme the legend Miss Vanjie, were tasked with taking Drag Race royalty’s trash and turning it into treasure. Soju was making her first dress when Miley joined the girls to spy on them in the Werk Room and Silky decided to ignore the decree that drag is not a contact sport. Brooke Lynn Hytes slayed the first challenge with Detox’s junk, while Coco’s girl Kahanna and Soju landed in the bottom, and Soju bid her cyst-ers farewell given the Montrese’s are here to assassinate via lip sync.

Back in the Werk Room the queens were sad to lose Soju, though thrilled that they got to live through a queen talking about an oozing cyst on the runway. Much to Vanjie’s disappointment as she believes cysts have no place in Mama Ru’s ears. The queens all congratulated Brooke on her well deserved victory while Scarlet was annoyed that she didn’t win give how great her critiques were. And she just wanted people to acknowledge that she too has oats that should be felt.

The queens arrived the next day and we learnt via Fuck, Marry, Kill that all the queens would kill SIlky before Ru arrived to share that we’re being punished with an acting challenge super early this season. But not before the celebrity photobomb mini challenge. Nina flashed Cardi B, Plastique was shook by Amber Rose, Scarlet mourned Harry and Megs’ wedding, Silky went full nude for Tom Brady, Ariel smelt Celine’s breakfast, Yvie went OD-D with Paris and Nicole, Honey was irked by Mariah, Kahanna was gooped by Gwen, Shuga tried to take all of Zef – relatable – Nicki scarred A’Keria, Brooke Lynn flashed Trump, Mercedes tried to figure out KellyAnne’s seating style, Ra’jah hung with Annie Wint and Vanjie palled around with Kim K and Madge.

Given skin is in, Brooke and Silky got to each cast their parody movie – Good God Girl, Get Out! and Why it gotta be black, Panther? – with Brooke going with Nina, Ra’jah, Honey, Shuga, Plastique and Ariel and Silky taking A’Keria, Vanjie, Mercedes, Yvie and Kahanna, with Scarlet on her team by default. Much to her disappointment. Given her acting prowess. Brooke’s team got off to a strong start with their take on Black Panther, kiki-ing while handing out roles and enjoying each other’s energy. Meanwhile over at Silky’s, Scarlet was concerned to have the most lines, while Kahanna was concerned with her absolute lack of them. More importantly, Vanjie had no idea what the fuck is going on and is concerned that she will choke on her first ever acting challenge.

Ru returned to check in on the girls with Ariel quickly pointing out that Silky’s personality could derail her team’s performance. Team Brooke jumped in to point out that she has made them all feel steamrolled since arriving, and wished that she wasn’t too on for the cameras. Ru went and checked in with Silky, quickly bringing up the fact her attitude needs to be checked. And to that, she says fuck you bitch. She then charmed the shit out of Ru and TBH, I don’t know who we’re meant to be rooting for – Silky or everyone else.

Brooke’s team were first upon transporting us to Dragkanda for Why It Gotta Be Black, Panther, where the leader struggled like Kameron Michaels before her. Shuga was stoner perfection, girl Ariel ad libbed a girl 1000 times, Ra’jah was fierce, Plastique was hilarious, Nina and Honey slayed, and then Ra’jah started to miss her lines and stumbled hard. Meanwhile on the set of Good God Girl, Get Out! Yvie and Scarlet shone from the start, Vanjie bombed in the best possible, struggling to hit the dorky dad muck and stumbled onto comedy gold, and Mercedes couldn’t pronounce opulence or own. And Kahanna was a mess. Silky pushed through not knowing her lines and A’Keria tased Silky’s left tit and I live for it.

Elimination Day arrived with Scarlet still feeling her oats, while Silky worked on doing white face and annoying Ariel. Speaking of which, Yvie brought up the drama and asked if Silky was ok, with her doubling down on her behaviour which lead to Ariel owning it was her. Which I live for, though I agree it is annoying that no one admitted to agreeing. Nina admitted she did agree, which annoyed Yvie, which annoyed Ra’jah, leading to them coming for each other and damn – the drama mama, finally!

With that out of the way Silky decided white face was a bad choice before the pageant girls spoke about their experiences where we learnt that Mercedes used to be on a no-fly list AND THEN spoke about having a stroke in the middle of a pageant and holy shit, I love her. And feel really bad about calling out her struggles with pronunciation during the filming.

On the zodiac runway Brooke Lynn looked like she got caught in a series of can-rings, Plastique was horny, Ra’jah served Lamb Chop realness and Nina was a flaming lion while Honey channeled The Lion King, but make it Diana Ross via Bebe. Shuga was Betty Spaghetti scorpio, Ariel looked like a technicolour bull, Silky looked like a protester thought her bodysuit was fur, Yvie was the love child of Tin Man and the Lion, in the best way and Vanjie owned the runway with a floral scale. A’Keria showed that trying to rep Pisces is tough, despite being the best sign, Mercedes looked like a warrior queen, Kahanna was a mess until her skirt fell away – when it was still bad but at least improved – and it turns out Pisces can look good, because Scarlet was bubbly and beautiful. When it came to movies, Ra’jah, Shuga and Plastique stole the show in Why It Gotta Be Black, Panther? while Brooke and Ariel fell flat. On the flipside, Good God Girl, Get Out! was a tale of high highs, Derrick Barry cameos, and low lows. Vanjie stole every scene as a demented dad, Scarlet and Yvie owned the show and well, Kahanna and Mercedes bombed.

Despite having the best runway Vanjie was called safe alongside Nina, Silky, Honey, A’Keria and Ra’jah. Brooke’s outfit was praised, while her performance in the challenge was read for filth given she missed her Beyonce-what? Line. Plastique’s thriftiness for using the same boots in the shoot and on the runway was read, though she was praised for slaying the challenge. As was Shuga, though Michelle didn’t see how her runway was Scorpio. And Ariel was called out for being clunky. Scarlet received universal praise for her performance and slaying the runway, as did Yvie, with their chemistry highlighted for carrying the movie. Mercedes runway was read before Michelle called out her pronunciation, leading to Mercedes sharing her medical history and poor Michelle felt as awkward as me. Kahanna’s outfit was read for filth given how basic it was, and while Ross praised her for trying really hard in the challenge, it wasn’t good.

With that Scarlet and Yvie took out shared victory – the chemistry comment making more sense – while Mercedes and Kahanna landed in the bottom two, lip syncing for their life to Britney’s Work Bitch. And work they did. Mercedes was brought to life, wig revealing, hitting every syllable and back bending and splitting like a boss, while Kahanna obviously flipped around and did the Montrese clan proud. Tragically though it wasn’t enough for the wee Montrese as she was cruelly chopped from the competition … and sent into my loving arms. The poor thing was heartbroken to have done her drag justice, and wished that she just had one more week to show us. Which I reminded her could be All Stars 5 if the thirst is real, over fat slabs of Kahanna Moncrepes. And obvi, the thirst is real.

Like Kahanna beautiful face and killer moves, this cake is super super sweet and I dream about it most nights. Delicate crepes, velvety nutella filling and a rich layer of chocolate. I need it in my mouth, like, yesterday.

MethodCombine the flour and sugar in a large bowl, and whisk the milk and eggs in a jug. Slowly whisk the wet ingredients with the dry until a smooth mix is formed. Cover and leave to rest in the fridge for an hour.

Bring a small frying pan to a medium heat, grease with a small nob of butter and pour 2 tbsp of batter in the pan, swirling to coat the base. Cook for a minute on each side before transferring to a plate and repeating the process until the batter is gone.

To make the filling, combine the nutella and mascarpone, stirring until smooth.

To assemble, place a crepe on the serving platter and spread a little bit of the nutella mixture on top. Add a crepe, top with more mixture and repeat the process until done, leaving the final crepe exposed. Transfer to the fridge to set for a couple of hours.

When the cake is set, place the cream in a small saucepan and bring to a simmer. Remove from heat and pour into a bowl with the chopped up chocolate. Stir until smooth, pour over the cake and return to the fridge to set for fifteen minutes.

Carve and devour immediately, eating your feelings that we’re down a thirst trap.

Previously on Survivor the Kama Kama Kama Kama Chameleon tribe were very anti both of their returnee players, while Kelley seemed to be lugging around the target solo on Manu. I assume because everyone has forgotten that David literally dominated five seasons ago. Chris tried to pull Wardog in for a Wentworth blindside, however the artist I wish would stop calling himself Wardog but a kibosh on the plan and, rightly, swung the vote around on Keith. Who really struggled with any and all things physical, which is super relatable … until her pretends they will suck without him.

We opened back up with Keith’s theatrics trying to decide whether he wanted to join Reem at Extinction. Which he obviously did given he was so cut to be eliminated. While he was heartbroken to be out of the game, Reem was thrilled to finally have any company and quickly accepted his apology for taking him out. There was talk about the lack of food and Reem, the icon, announced that while she was close to raising the flag to get the hell out, she now wants to stay to protect her young. The next day they awoke to discover maps by the flag, guiding them to find stairs on their beach, with zero further information. They scoured the island and finally found them which led to a big pot of rice. Well, the pot was big however the supply of rice was meager. And they would have to scale the mountain each day they wanted food.

Probst decided to arrive early in the ep for this week’s reward challenge where the tribes would have to build wheelbarrows to collect sandbag, then deconstruct said wheelbarrow to build a slingshot to shoot said sandbags at targets with the first to eliminate them all would get either chickens or comfort items. Manu somehow got to an early lead – and I softened to Wardog who is babin’ – however Joe and co managed to close the gap at the first station of sandbags. Kama extended their lead throughout the rest of the challenge until they couldn’t build their slingshot, leaving Manu to take back the lead despite Wendy injuring her ankle. My sweet, sexy Chris made quick work of the targets while Gavin struggled, and try as Julia – I think that’s her name, we haven’t heard from her – might, Chris snatched Manu their first victory and damn I love Chris. Oh and I guess I should mention they selected chickens?

Back at camp we learnt how bad Big Wendy’s injury was as her ankle ballooned and she had to be carried up to the camp. She was worried that this would mean the end of her journey, while everyone rallied around to look after her … by giving her space. They then went to discuss how best to cook up the chicken, which made Wendy upset that people were going to kill them. Thankfully the pain wasn’t enough to stop her from thinking about releasing said chickens, and I love her and will call her Big Wendy just because that’s what she wants. She then asked Rick to help her bust the chickens out and while he isn’t into killing them either, he didn’t want to help bust them out.

Over at Kama the tribe were stinging from their first loss, while Joe and Aubry tried to pep them up and reminded them that while it sucked, it wasn’t immunity and they can fight like hell tomorrow. We then heard from Victoria who spoke about them being on the outs with Aurora, and I feel like the tribe wouldn’t actually mind losing an immunity challenge or three. Victoria and Ron went for a chat by the shore to lock in votes against Joe and Aubry, while Joegel was literally creeping behind them. Which is probably my favourite thing to happen in life, unless I am the Victoria in the situation. To his credit, Joe played it lowkey and pretended they weren’t targeting him to their face before finding Aubry and Aurora to discuss how screwed they are. With that Aubry ran off desperately in search of the idol which has eluded her through her two previous seasons. She dug, she scaled trees – not the highest cliff in Fiji, however – and finally, FINALLY, she found her first idol in three seasons, promptly breaking down into tears and hoping that it is the turn-around that her game needs.

We returned to Manu where Wendy was still trying to convince everyone to release the chickens, despite the fact she eats meat which made her plight less endearing and more irritating. Which made Kelley, Lauren and Wardog irate, who couldn’t understand her logic and since she is injured, Kelley hoped it would be enough to get rid of her ASAP.

My manses Probst returned for this week’s immunity challenge where Wendy’s ankle was strapped and the tribes would have to split in two and drag a boat filled with half the tribe to a tower which the boat dwellers would scale and jump off to grab keys. Which obviously unlocked puzzle pieces because every damn challenge has puzzles to keep it interesting. Chris’ BDE got Manu out to an early lead until the puzzle arrived and David, Kelley and Lauren were destroyed by Aubry, Ron and Julia – who I look forward to meeting – no doubt since Aubry has done this puzzle before in Game Changers. Obviously Kama won once again and while Kelley was worried about Wendy letting the tribe down, it turns out she is the one that blew the challenge. Which Alanis may describe as ironic.

Maybe.

David wasn’t too bothered about the loss when they got back to camp, hopeful that Wendy’s injury would provide the perfect cover for a dastardly Wentworth blindside. Wendy was still nervous that her ankle would be the end of her, so decided it was the right time to steal the flint to avoid people eating the chickens should she be booted. Which is chaotic and iconic, but also stupid. Let’s be thankful that Chris is still looking hot in his jocks and I’m about to pass out, or choke, on the dream plane.

That was too far, wasn’t it?

David and RIck went to see if Wendy was aware where the flint was, which she quickly deflected and David turned into a discussion about getting rid of Wentworth. David then approached Chris – praise, more Chris – to see if he’s be into getting rid of Kelley, which he is however he wants to loop Wardog in. Who literally saved her last week. He then took said intel to Wardog who got extremely nervous and instead of pushing him to stick with getting rid of Wentworth, he decided it would be smarter to get rid of Chris since he trusts Kelley more. He took the new plan to Wentworth, who encouraged him to go to Rick to get rid of Chris instead. And let me just say, while I love Wentworth, if Extinction Island didn’t exist, I would destroy her if I don’t get to see Chris beyond this episode. She is very lucky. Rick took the information to David, who was shocked that Big Wendy somehow became safe and they are stuck between getting rid of Chris or Kelley.

At tribal council Probst rubbed in the fact that they a big batch of losers, before Rick added that they’re now flintless and Big Wendy had zero interest in killing the chicken. Despite trying to pretend she had no interest in blocking them killing the chicken, Wardog called bullshit. Rick spoke about reevaluate their plans, given they tried to focus on strength but it has gotten them nowhere. Kelley spoke about shifting to a loyalty based game, while David acknowledged his interests have turned to taking out threats. This made Kelley nervous, which David pretended was just his awkward behaviour, however Probst zeroed in and asked everyone their opinion and left him nowhere to hide. Rick tried to be positive and spoke about how much more time they’ve had to work on their strategy over Kama while Chris admitting that his eyes have been opened to how tough it is since arriving on the island.

With that, the tribe voted and FUCK. It fucking happened again. I made pizza, and ruined my angel Chris’ game. He should not be here. He wasn’t a target, he looked great in his wet jocks and was one of the few athletic people on the tribe, but he is gone. Because of the damn pizza.

I feel like I say this about every pizza, on the account of the dough and abundance of cheese, but this baby is so, so good. Crispy discs of potatoes, earthy taleggio and sausage as thick and juicy as, well, you know. How can you not stuff it in your gobs?

And the pizza is pretty good too. *Boom tish* I’m here till, well, who knows. Enjoy!

Smear passata over the prepared bases, sprinkle of the herbs, lightly roasted potatoes, cooked sausage, basil and taleggio before coating generously, with mozzarella. Because you can’t tell me that two cheeses aren’t better than one.

Transfer to the oven and bake for fifteen minutes, or until bubbly and golden.

Devour immediately, hoping not to burn our mouth with some scalding cheese before getting Reemed at Extinction.

What a difference a few days can make, right? After witnessing Glenn’s seventh and Amy’s sixth snubs – no matter how deserving the delightful Olivia and Regina are, it still stung – I started to rage about all the things this Oscars failed me on like Shallow muse Timothée Chalamet and my girls Dolly and Linda Perry getting snubbed.

By the time Linda arrived at my house I was in such a state, alternating between crying and screaming, that she had to pull me into her arms and hold me until I calmed down.

And thanks to her warm, loving friendship, I’ve been in a state of zen since.

I’ve known Linda for years and years, first meeting as teens in San Diego. Fun fact: she taught me that San Diego didn’t actually translate to mean whale’s vagina, which I passed on to Will Ferrell to use as a joke in Anchorman.

But anyway, she was always so patient and kind with me, despite my many foibles, so I jumped at the chance to move to San Francisco with her in the ‘80s and I of course, vowed to make her a star.

Given how insanely busy she has been recently, Linda and I haven’t spent as much time together as we would like, so it was wonderful to be able to just have time to reconnect. And smash a piping hot Linda Perry Peri Chicken Pizza.

A crunchy base, sweet tomatoes and the fiery spice of peri peri chicken work together to form the perfect pizza for warming up a surprisingly cold evening in Brisbane. FYI, it got down to 25°C.

Heat a lug of olive oil in a skillet and cook the diced chicken for five minutes or so, or until cooked through. Add the peri peri – more if needed – and cook for a further couple of minutes, or until well coated.

Preheat oven to 180°C.

Smear passata over the prepared bases, sprinkle of the herbs, onion, spinach, spicy chicken and cherry tomatoes, before blanketing – I mean, you don’t have to but who wouldn’t – in mozzarella.

Transfer to the oven and bake for fifteen minutes, or until bubbly and golden. Before devouring, thinking about how wrong it is that Lind and Doll still don’t have Oscars.

I don’t want to make this year’s Oscar Gold celebration – Call Me By Your Gold – about A Star is Born but to be honest, it and Bohemian Rhapsody did inspire me to reach out to today’s guest. Eternally delightful, America’s Sweetheart and Oscar winning musical performer Reese Witherspoon.

I’ve known Reese since the mid-90s after meeting on the set of Fear – I was dating Markie Mark at the time – but it wasn’t until a few years later that our friendship blossomed. I went from introducing her to my fluffee Ryan Phillippe on the Cruel Intentions set before helping her to play a character based off my high school years in a little known movie called Election.

Given one gave her her two eldest children and the other launched her into serious actress category, it goes without saying she is grateful for my love and support.

While we’ve tragically been separated by our busy schedules, it was such a treat to be able to get together and honour the Oscars and catch-up. Given her star turn in Monsters vs. Aliens, I kicked off running the odds with Best Animated Feature which Reese thinks will surprise for Incredibles 2 while I can’t go past Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse as much as my puppy thinks Isle of Dogs has it in the bag. When it comes to lead performances we agree that my dearest Rami Malek needs to win Best Actor if there’s any justice in the world, while we’re both backing Glenn Close for being an icon, I believe that Melissa McCarthy is the truly deserving person in the category. Sorry Gaga.

We may not have agreed much on victors this date, but there was no denying how glorious the piping hot Capreese Dip Witherspoon was.

Gooey and sweet, this is quite possibly one of my favourite warm dips. I mean take a salad that proves you can make friends with salad, then chuck it in the oven and spread it on crackers? Iconic.

I know I have been a bit of a Debbie Downer when it comes to the twist of the upcoming season of Survivor but I am still excited because, well, it is Survivor. And for every One World or Redemption Island, there is a China or Heroes vs. Villians, which is something I am eternally grateful for. Plus – One World gave us Kim and Redemption Island gave us Russell’s pimpled, ingrown-haired armpits.

But I’ve been waylaid – I am here to celebrate one of my favourite Sole Survivors slash two-time The Amazing Race contestant and the cherry on top of San Juan Del Sur’s twinnie bookends, my girl Natalie Anderson.

Like Bob before her, I didn’t meet Nat until after her first reality TV stint – I am a close, personal friend of the Beekman’s – however the friendship quickly blossomed. And I played a critical role in getting her a spot on San Juan Del Sur and her well deserved win.

While people tire of the constant bartering and handing out rewards as treats, San Juan Del Sur is an unpredictable season and Natalie’s arc from wounded surviving Twinnie to vengeful powerplayer after Jeremy’s boot is one of the greats.

Add to that a beautiful idol play, a masterful ‘accidental’ blindside to save Keith and dragging him along as a meatshield to guarantee a path to the end puts her in my top ten favourite winners. And more than worthy of a hearty Bacon, Mushroom and Nataleek Andersotto whenever she damn wants!

There is nothing quite as comforting and glorious as a risotto. I don’t know if it is the creamy rice or the liquor, but it always fills me with joy when I’m feeling blue. Add in mushies and bacon, and I’m in heaven.

MethodBring the stock to a simmer over low heat and heat the oil and butter in a large pan. Once nice and foamy, add the leek and garlic and sweat for five minutes. Add the bacon and cook for a further couple of minutes or until the kitchen is fragrant and glorious.

Add the rice to the pan and cook for a couple of minutes, or until starting to get translucent around the edges. Working a ladleful at a time, add the stock to the pan and cook, stirring constantly, waiting until the stock has been absorbed before adding the next.

Once all the stock has been used up, add the mushrooms, spinach and thyme, and cook for a further couple of minutes. Stir through the parmesan and a good whack of salt and pepper.