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Monday, January 7, 2013

This is the Hate-Mail You Were Looking For

Greetings and welcome to shamefulpromotions.com, where opinions are like assholes...and everybody's got one! And speaking of assholes, today I am hosting a very special guest on this blog. The talented and always funny Pickleope is the guest of honor and he holds nothing back as he delivers the hate mail I've been looking for.

This is a win win situation for me. The first win is that I don't have to do the writing. I can just sit back and let the guest do all the work. The second win is that his post has a lot of potential to generate more hate mail....a blogger's dream!

Working Glutton Dan Workingdan lamented in a comment on my site that he has yet to
receive a single bit of hate mail outside of a misunderstanding. Let's
see if we can rectify that (I'm already off to a good start using a word
close to "rectum").
Some know him as Dan, humble blogger with a
penchant for cursing, but there's a more sinister side. Let's look at some of his more...colorful...opinions:

Necrophilia
should be legalized. As long as the person is doing the defiling is
also the person doing the embalming. Who else is willing to get intimate
with the dead if that's not their chosen profession? And
really, what's the difference between them cutting you and gutting you
and just getting a little happy-happy on the side. I want my embalmer to
be happy rather than be all pent up and my corpse ends up looking like
Joseph Merrick (look it up soon-to-be-a-human-jelly-sleeve). Earthworms
EAT you then poop you out. Is being worm poop really worse than
providing a lonely embalmer a moment of pleasure?

Speaking of
things to be legalized, I say bestiality should be legalized if the
human is the taker, not the giver. Oh, we shouldn't
provide happiness to horses and cows? Perhaps you should tell that to
the so-called "scientists" who manually masturbate animals for
artificial insemination. I say these Sloppy-Beastie-Bottoms (Trademark
Working Dan Enterprises, shirts available soon) are pioneers in the
animal-semen extraction sciences.

Speaking of beasts, there are
too many baby and pet videos. Quite frankly, one is too many. "Oh look,
it crawled into something where cats or babies don't go,
how precious." It just makes me think your pet is dumb, and that's sad.
Yes, I get it it, babies gurgle and laugh sometimes. How. Adorable. Why
are you whoring out your child on the internet? It's shameful. Speaking
of which, pet shaming? I'd rather shame the owner for not
properly training his/her pet. You know who doesn't shame pets? The
freaking Dog Whisperer, whose name I would know if I gave a half a crap
about anyone else's dumb pets. Unless it's a pet monkey. Pet monkeys are
sweet.

Abortion? Absolutely. Not just this in-the-womb nonsense
either. I believe that person-hood doesn't begin until words can be
formed. That's right! A baby isn't a person until it can talk. Until
then, it's just a late-late-term abortion. Huh? What ABOUT Helen
Keller!?! If that miracle worker lady hadn't stopped by, her parents
could have easily, and justifiably tied weights to her ankles and
tossed her into a lake, humanely of course.

There you have it.
Some of the opinions held by Dan. Definitely not me. Absolutely all
Dan's opinions. You should see what his wife says about things like
euthanizing ugly people by putting poison in knock-off brand bagged
cereal (she says only ugly people eat cereal that comes in a sack rather
than a box...she's not wrong).
So direct all hate mail to Dan, he kind of asked for it.

***

And that, my friends, is the Pickle of all Pickles! Complete with antlers and a dirty mind. Thank you, Pickleope, for your contribution to Shameful Promotions! And what a shame it is!

Gia's right. You live in the USA -- all you have to do in order to get hate mail is to advocate gun control. On another point, I always thought Pickleope was a girl -- where the hell did I get that impression?

WorkingDan sucks but the Pickle wrote this and I'm not at all offended by it. The Pickle is brilliant, while WorkingDan, well he's a slag and not worth my time as a blogger or as a human being. Really, I just wish he'd drown in his beer and get it over with. Jaysus, he but he's a real gobshite.