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Dropping the 'S-bomb'

WTF: Weekly Trivia File

'It's hard to have a relationship in this business. It's gonna take a very special woman... or a bunch of average ones.' Bill Hicks, who died 16 years ago tomorrow.

Ricky Gervais’s wealth has been put at about £50million – though he was a tad sarcastic when he read the story, blogging: ‘Wow! I think there must be a leak at my accountants... They are of course spot on. I know it sounds a lot, but remember, I donate a lot of this to good causes. (The Inland Revenue mainly.) Now this is out, I will have to get my family a million scratch cards each for Christmas. I have decided to use the rest of the money to take over Libya.’

Incidentally, Steve Carell never saw Ricky Gervais in the Office before taking his role in the US version.

Ruby Wax and Judith Owens were once preparing to perform Losing It, their show about depression, when an enthusiastic punter approached. ‘I’m your biggest fan!’ he gushed. Then slightly spoiling the moment by asking: ‘Which one of you is Ruby Wax?’

Steve Williams says: I once had a guy ring my house at 3am telling me he was going to brick my windows and set fire to the building. He rang back five minutes later to apologise, because he'd dialled the wrong number.’

Comedians have a long and proud history of fearlessly saying the unsayable without fear of the consequences. But one stand-up really has gone too far in Adelaide, the local newspaper reports. Sensitive readers might want to look away now, but the comedian in question was performing in a shopping mall when he launched into a routine about self-serve checkouts – and to the absolute shock of the Adelaide Advertiser said: ‘I finished school so I wouldn’t have to do that shit.’ Not that the newspaper used such inflammatory language itself, of course, coyly describing it as ‘dropping the S-bomb’. Pointing out that the comedian was a ‘visiting performer from Sydney’ – heaven forefend that a local act could be so irreprehensibly vulgar – the paper came across like an Edwardian maiden aunt as it haughtily declared: ‘Here’s hoping he bought some soap at said supermarket to use to wash his mouth out.’ Lenny Bruce, eat your heart out.

Be careful who you piss with. Michael McIntyre ended up in the gents’ toilets at last week’s Brit awards at the same time as a Sunday Mirror reporter. Our fearless journalist reported back on McIntrye’s performance pressure at the urinals, which caused the comic to announce: ‘Don’t worry guys – I’ll get there in the end.’ The guy next to him said: ‘Don’t worry Michael, it happens to all of us.’ Then McIntyre replied: ‘Nope, I don’t think I’m getting there. I may have to abandon this idea.’

Tough – ie cunty – crowd:

Simon Bird has been bombarded with abuse since appear in the Inbetweeners. ‘”Briefcase wanker", a line from the show, gets shouted quite a bit, as does "bus wanker". It's often something-wanker.I'd rather people insulted me on sight, now, than that nobody ever watched it in the first place.’

Frank Carson was great friends with Tommy Cooper, and used to exchange false clues for crossword puzzles. One of Cooper’s best was: 'Ocean-going mammal. Two words, five letters and three letters’. The answer? Ship’s cat. But Carson got his own back with: 'Favourite game in Scotland. Four letters, starts with a “T”.’ It flummoxed Cooper to such an extent that he rang Carson at 2am one morning and said: 'Big fella, about that clue. What was the answer?' Carson said: 'Golf.' There was a pause of about 30 seconds until the penny dropped. Just before the phone went click, Carsons heard him say: ‘Arsehole.’

Andi Osho says rehearsing for the BBC’s Let’s Dance For Comic Relief has reduced her to tears. ‘There's been a fair few times when I've been curled up on the cold wooden floor asking if I could just tell jokes for my two-minute routine,’ she said.

Hugh Dennis’s ex-wife says she divorced him because he was too boring. Miranda told Her Majesty’s Press: ‘It’s strange to see Pete [his real first name] being so spontaneous and exuberant on television, because those weren’t qualities that were in great evidence in our day-to-day lives. I had to live with the Pete who was restrained, serious and unexciting.’ They met while at school and dated at university, but Miranda said: ‘He wasn’t a funny guy. He could do some funny voices and impersonate the Archbishop of Canterbury, but there wasn’t a lot of call for that. I was quite surprised when he got into Cambridge Footlights.’

Tweets Of The WeekGary Bainbridge (@GrahamBandage): Abolishing the ten-yearly national survey? Are they taking leave of their census?Gary Delaney (@GaryDelaney): Poor old Charlie Sheen, I remember the days when he was happy flying that little plane and advertising furniture polish.The Sklar Brothers (@SklarBrothers): Charlie Sheen said that he had "magic and poetry at his fingertips" at all times. Magic and Poetry are strippers, right?

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