Thursday, May 26, 2016

[Note: I originally wrote this last Friday and was gonna post it
then, but I wanted to wait until I had a relevant picture to attach.
Last minute I settled on the one above, because I don't know if Drake has cameras in my house or what, but that photo is basically me on any given day. I know this has very little relevance to this post, but you guys are just gonna have to deal.]

So anyway, on to it.

Not too long ago it hit me that the same skillset I developed to
get myself out of a suburban snoozetown and into a big city; out from
under the care of chaotic, abusive and negligent adults and on my
own; away from a controlling atmosphere with dead end prospects to
freedom and the big blue world... would not be the same skillset that
would take me from where I am now... a fairly well-adjusted adult
with lots to be proud of, thankful and grateful for – to the next
level – a very well adjusted (and well-traveled!) adult with a
flush bank account, a hot mate, a fulfilling career and an endless
array of fun and kind friends. Different goals require different
skillsets you see. There are indeed, levels to this shit.

Over the past year, after moving out of the lovely lovely place I
called home for 5 years, I have done quite a few soul-bending,
mind-expanding, purpose-clarifying things. I have traveled alone,
twice, to places where I did not know the language or many of the
customs (France and China), without letting money or lack of a travel
companion stop me. I have gotten reacquainted with my family, myself
and why I needed to get away from them in the first place. I have
made new friends, and had a few lovers, and then quit seeking out
romantic relationships entirely. I have dug deeper into my artistic
spirit, exploring the whys and the outcomes I wish to achieve via
writing and creating other content. I have reaffirmed what is
integral to my happiness now (having a place to call home, consistent
creative expression, friends who understand and respect me), as well
as what happiness looks like for me in the near future (more of that,
and less overall confusion and time wasting).

So I'm readjusting. And adjusting and adjusting and adjusting. At
one point I thought I'd move to France. Until I visited. Another time
I thought I'd become a chemical engineer. Then I realized that
although I have the brain for that type of shit, I certainly don't
have the heart. There was a period of time where I fantasized about
giving it all up and living the hermit life in a tiny house in the
woods. Then came all the logistics... like where and how I would get
food, how and where I would earn an income to pay my little bills
(because woods or not, a girl needs wifi), and how I would miss NYC
so much I would barely be able to cope. I fantasized about falling in
love with a man who expected nothing of me financially and was fine
with me writing from home, tinkering with projects, penning books,
occasionally folding laundry. But unfortunately, I haven't met any
men like that around these parts, and am starting to believe that
there are barely any men like that at all anymore. And I don't just
mean men who are providers, I mean men who believe enough in your
dream to support you in achieving it.

So many career-oriented self-help books focus on knowing what you
want, confidence, things like that, which does little for me because
I have those things in leaps and bounds. I know what I want, but that
doesn't make it any easier to take a step forward, especially when
many of my dreams sound almost ridiculous and impossible out loud. I
seek out the answers to questions I have, and even google seems
stumped by the challenges I face. I look around me, at friends and
acquaintances and all the other people I know, and feel like I see
different shades of the same thing. People treading water, making
their few hundred bucks every week, blowing through that and then
landing in the same position the next week. People with degrees and
qualifications struggling to find jobs that pay a living wage. People
with tons of time and no money, or tons of money and no time. People
who are prioritizing their jobs over their physical and mental
health, trapped in a “never enough” vehicle that blares
“SCARCITY” at every turn. People who are scraping by, living at
home or with boyfriends or five roommates or maintaining several
hustles just to afford existing. Blowing money to feel better but
never quite able to change their habits, leaving no money for
emergencies or for a vacation or for quitting. People who only think
as far as the next day, because their future is too bleak to
seriously ponder. I see people in the same ol predicament, their
insides crying for a change, their outsides too afraid to make one.
People are running at top speed, with no water, no rest, wondering if
their legs will give out before they make it to the finish line.
People going nowhere fast.

But I want to go somewhere. I'll admit I'm a perfectionist. It is
a trait that has gotten me here, here being a well-read, worldly,
picture of good mental and emotional health with a stunning physique
and a closet to match, but it has also stunted me when I have tried
to move forward. I look around at the people of power and high status
in this country, and recoil at being part of that. I second guess. I
doubt. I question, maybe a bit too much. I have wanted projects to be
damn near perfect, or “as good as I can get it” before even
thinking about releasing it to the world. I have scrapped projects
entirely because I couldn't get in the right groove to make it
game-changing. In the world of a perfectionist, there seems to be a
fine line between your heart saying no and self sabotage. I have to
close the gap between good enough and mastery, even if that means
letting go and letting gawd. Because ultimately, I look up and see a
massive gap in the world, and I know that only I can fill it. I am
starting to follow my creative instincts, and just letting it flow,
like water or the wind or whatever. *nature sounds

So anyway. About the plan.

Finding creatively inclined friends is one of my major desires
right now, because I've never had those, and I have no doubt they
would enrich my life and my work. So I am attempting new connections.
I've always loved making friends, I've always felt that they were a
necessary lifeline, but I've accepted that perhaps out of
self-preservation and a little bit of ignorance, I've been pretty
discriminatory. For example, I was pretty sure I'd NEVER come across
an employed artist. Ha. I've decided to approach this from multiple
angles. I'm forcing myself to go to some meetups in the city, most
that cater to my interests. I've put online dating on pause for an
indeterminate amount of time in order to force myself to get
acquainted with my extrovert personality again and to better focus on
my career goals. I think online dating was making me awkward and
anxious, and frankly, nearly everyone I met online had a serious
emotional impairment. Not my bag. So on top of that major adjustment
(I was online dating and socializing on and off for like, the past 5
years) I've decided to be more... open and empathetic and
...forgiving. I can't exactly have a dozen interesting people to
phone and chill with if I cut every one of them off as soon as they
get on my nerves! So I'm learning. Another thing I've learned is that
although I'm a very versatile person and always dreamed of having a
friend I could shoot the shit with, talk about deep topics with, go
clubbing with, talk makeup with, travel with, go to museums with...
not everyone has that capability. In fact, practically everyone I've
ever met has like, two modes. But I've accepted that people don't
have to be everything to me, and sometimes two enjoyable elements in
a person are fine enough.

Some of you know this already, but I'm plowing ahead with writing
my book. No publishing, no editor (yet), no outside push to do this.
It's not the first book I've written, but it is the first book that I
considered releasing for public consumption. It's about ambition, and
why we do the things we do, why we wake up in the morning. It takes
place in New York City, and follows seven different characters of
various ages, genders, occupations, and of course, ambitions. Some of
them have made it and are unhappy, some of them have “made it”
with unexpected consequences, and some of them will never make it –
just like in real life. I'm also incorporating the seven deadly sins
into the tale, but not in a cliché, overwrought way. Basically it is
this intriguing, super decadent, wonderful story that I am so in love
with and feel absolutely compelled to bring to life. But the process
is hard. (Duh.) I find sometimes that my personal thoughts get
tangled into my novel, and then I'm forced to sort it all out, strand
by strand, like knotted necklaces. Sometimes I won't write for days,
and then a day will come where I'll sit down and bang out chapter
after fluid chapter as I hadn't neglected the novel for however long
before. I want to do better, but I'm also not sure that there's any
one right way for a writer to write, or for any creative to create
for that matter. Sometimes I seek out counsel, but find myself
rolling my eyes at its triteness. But if I'm honest with myself, I
know I need to learn discipline in this respect, even though my need
for indulgence is at odds with that. The Big Five personality test
says that I score moderate (50%) on conscientiousness, meaning I am
fairly average in my tendency to respond to impulses and achieve
goals, so I'm not totally off base. I've worked a bit with “The
Artists Way” and a guy I went on one date with sent me “Letters
to a Young Poet” (which apparently changed Lady Gaga's life –
love her!), so I have some tools. But I want to do better. So if any
of you have any resources, tips or tricks for how to become
disciplined, especially after a lifetime of doing ones own thing,
please reach out. I need HALP.

The third thing is... I'm starting a podcast. A LOT of people have
begged asked me to do video blogs, but I'm not ready to be famous,
let alone be SunKissAlba's more interesting, more eloquent,
doesn't-really-look-like-her-but-she's-also-Dominican doppelganger on
el Youtube, so I was like naw. But since some of my thoughts feel
like they would come across better as “spoken word”, I felt a
good compromise would be to start a podcast. I've decided to name it
“Conversations with Lady Blue”, and once I can learn how to edit
my fucking intro song on audacity, it will be up and running. (If you
or someone you know knows how to edit audio, PLEASE EMAIL ME! It will
save me a week of trial, error and frustration.)

What else?

In a month or two, I'll be apartment hunting in the city. So that
will be a job of its own. One that is unpaid and full of anxiety and
desperation. Send me leads! (I'd obviously love a studio or a 1
bedroom so I can flourish alone, but I'm open to apartments with two
roommates max who don't smoke, have pets, touch my shit, or expect to
be talked to constantly. Rooms with private bathrooms shoot to the
top of my list, as well as any apartments in Brooklyn, of course.)

So the new year has introduced a money overhaul. I took the best
of You Need a Budget (assign every dollar a job, live off last months
income, save monthly for infrequent expenses), Mint (gives you good
sense of where all your money is going aka what is valuable to you),
Dave Ramsey (debt snowball), Suze Orman (Young, Fabulous & Broke)
and whatever else I could scrounge together from the personal finance
subreddit, and I created my own “financial budget plan of
satisfaction excel sheet galore” that I plan to implement this
summer. It will allow me to splurge with even less guilt, while
continuing to pad my savings account, creating a nice little cushion
that takes years of stress off my mind and body. (I sleep sooo much
better on a bed made of money, don't you?). I had to be honest with
myself about the most random things, like the fact that I need a
haircut every 6 weeks instead of every 3 months because my hair grows
like a weed and the fact that no matter how many clothes or beauty
products I have, I am miserable without a shopping & beauty
budget. I also allowed myself $200 or so for things like random
expenses, extra charges, cabs, cleaning supplies and my skincare
supplements (which are STILL working their magic! Matter of fact, I
really need to do a #TopShelfie follow-up post). I also have four
savings accounts – Home, Luxury, Travel and Emergency Savings, plus
an etc savings bucket for when I wanna do spontaneous shit like buy a
bike, or a car, or dye my entire head of hair copper red. Budgeting
for those odds and ends and miscellaneous extras is really important.
So yeah.

Drake's One Dance *heart eyes emoji* Actually, Drake's whole VIEWS
record was pretty dope. I agree with everyone that the record doesn't show much lyrical progression, but sometimes it bes like that. And sometimes the people critiquing Drake haven't progressed at all in their whole entire lives, so there's also that.

Mina Myoung – A flawless dancer and choreographer at 1Million
Dance Studio in South Korea, who is basically my idol now.

The Bad Boy Family Reunion Concert that I went to last Friday. The
show had mic issues, and I wasn't a fan of the crowd or Diddy's "performances" but I give him props for bringing out damn near everyone: Mary J. Blige, Usher, Ty Dolla Sign, Mario
Winans, Carl Thomas, Faith Evans, 112, Total, Cassie, Lil Kim, The
Lox, Lil Cease, Jay-Z, Nas... and there's probably more, but that's all I can remember.

Avocado Oil – as rich on my skin as argan oil, but sinks in much
faster.

Arcona – I just ordered their Booster serum, Vitamin A serum and
Hydrating Serum and am singing their praises all over again.

The Big Five Personality Test – I scored very high (92.5%) in
openness, high (80%) in extroversion, moderate (50%) in
conscientiousness, low (50%) in agreeableness and very very low
(17.5%) in neuroticism. I'm not sure why 50% is seen as moderate in
one category and low in another, but who cares, because they're both
accurate for me.

Toronto – I'm trynna get there and party to mad reggae this
summer.

Hong Kong – It turned out to be surprisingly charming, despite
the psycho, cocaine-snorting, diabolical narcissist I had to deal
with when I was there (Tedla Ebou Khan). Details coming :)

And lastly, I am loving that I can make the space to grow, that I
have the self awareness to improve, the guts to make hard choices to
ultimately have the dream life that I've always desired. The goal is
to go into my 30s with all the worries and problems of my 20s
assuaged and solved. Or else, I'm just a lazy bag lady.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

I remember seeing this when it first aired in 1997, and knowing even then, at barely 10 years old, that her breaking "character" like this, and speaking directly to us, the fourth wall so to speak, was RADICAL.

Fiona quoted Maya Angelou and said at our best, we can only create opportunities, and she used that opportunity to go AWF!!! Opening line: This world is bullshit. AT A TELEVISED AWARDS SHOW WHERE SHE WAS BEING AWARDED.

*flatlines*

One word, two syllables: HE-RO.

She was Kanye before Kanye was Kanye. She quoted Maya Angelou, B. She said "Andrew Slater, no one else could have produced this album, and no one else did." AND PAUSED FOR EMPHASIS. SHAYYYYY DEEEEEEE.

TALK THAT FUCKING TALK FIONA FUCKING APPLE!!!

Two more things. Tidal was an incredible, incredibly beautiful album, and even more incredible because she wrote it, recorded and debuted it when she was a teenager. And secondly, that MTV outburst probably cost her many future business opportunities, ones that Alanis Morissette was all too glad to take on her behalf.

So the lesson here is that wylin out may cost you further opportunities. So if you're gonna act wild, make sure to go down in history as a hero.

Sidenote - I'm glad that her genius hasn't gone the Amy Winehouse route, as I still feel pain over Amy's death and can't imagine losing another incredible artist in that way. Also, this Fiona Apple interview in NYMag was pretty great.

Saturday, March 5, 2016

Those were my first thoughts upon seeing this video. I first heard the song 'In Time' on spotify, and was so intrigued I gave it a second listen with headphones, and then after a handful of subsequent listens, decided that the beat was so hot that there had to be an equally dope video - with dancing! - somewhere out there. And boy was my curiosity quenched!

The video adds incredible depth to the already remarkably genre-bending song, and the choreography matches the oriental-tinged bass beats perfectly. Is that a Japanese flute I hear?! Is FKA pregnant? Is she wearing timbs and an all denim outfit and excessive gold jewelry and burgundy lipstick looking like 90s Brooklyn royalty? Is she serving us all the talent and originality that we claim we want to see onscreen but never actually pay mind to when it happens to appear right in front of us?!

YES WORLD, SHE SURE IS!

There's no doubt that FKA Twigs can dance her ass off, and the little stomp her and her dancers do (see 2:07 and the swag at 3:23) is so New York to me. Also the amount of fluid shots where she's dancing wow me as well because that means she is just grooving along flawlessly, all in one solid take. The only thing I don't like about the dance scenes is that the dancer on the right appears stiff, like she's counting; meanwhile the belly-baring dancer on the left is sexy as fuck and FKA is dancing like the rent was due last week!

Other details: I love the silky pajamas, I love the contemporary breaks where she's draped in white clothing, and I love the long shots and the sheer simplicity of the set. It's so distracting when a video is overdone, or the editors keep chopping up shots in an ADD-like fashion, so all you see is a second of that, a second of this (I'm looking at you, Rihanna's "Work").

So needless to say I am sooo inspired. You can catch me showing out at a dance class wearing a belly shirt and a NY grimace in the coming weeks. (I already have the pajamas, the ethnic ambiguity and the sass).

With all these EPs, is FKA even making any money? Is Robert Pattinson funding all of this? What kind of deal did she sign? I hope ya girl is making some money man because she writes and produces her own stuff and gawd knows what else. I should add, the video above is part of a visual album FKA Twigs created called "M3LL155X", and the whole thing can be seen here:

And speaking of inspiration and oriental influences, perhaps I'm more cognizant of that because I just came back from two weeks in Hong Kong! A detailed blog post is coming, and in the meantime you can see a bit of my adventures below!

Thursday, January 14, 2016

I felt a tightness in my chest for hours on Monday. I woke up with it. I feel like I awoke disappointed or something, and then for like 72 hours, carried around what can only be described as a heavy heart. Even on days where things are relatively good and fine, I feel a tightness in my chest,
a weird pretzel knot of anxiety and/or stress and/or worry. And it's most
likely because of the people I'm surrounded by, by default. I say by
default because these are family members and old friends whom I've
known for years, with lovely hearts – good people who ultimately
mean well. But the majority of them have one terrible, awful, no
good, bloodsucking, draining, maddening, bad habit.

THEY COMPLAIN.

Endlessly. About the same thing. For years.

And do nothing, at all, to change or improve their situation.

They just go round about in circles, thinking that they're making
progress, but they're just examining their problem from another
angle, with another magnifying glass. They're doing the same dance
with different moves. They are going nowhere fast, and want to tell
me all about it.

My understanding and rational nature, excellent listening and insightful
advice-giving skills are being wasted on the shiftless. Monday alone I
had four people complain to me. Two complained about their jobs. One
complained about their relationship. And the last complained about
both their relationship and their job. I know another person who
complains about everything from their job, to their relationship (or
lack thereof), to their friends, coworkers, and the price of fucking tea in
fucking China.

I have been unhappy in situations before, I may be unhappy in situations again. But I know how
to gather the courage and change things, or accept them if I truly
can't or don't want to change them. When I am dissatisfied, I wholly trust that I will do what is needed to bring myself back to a place of
satisfaction. I say that I'm fearless, but the truth is I sometimes
feel the fear, but I do what I have to do anyway. I do not let fear stop me; EVER. My sanity, my
happiness, my everyday calm depends on it. I am worth it. All of
these people suffer from low self worth, negative mental chatter,
cowardice, laziness or all of the above. Sometimes people are so deep
in the bubble, so roped into their routine and their everyday life
that they can't see the possibilities outside of that. Most times I get stuck on how to proceed because I don't know HOW to proceed, or what to do next. But in the age
of google and the internet and the world at your fingertips, there is
really no excuse.

And if you don't know what to google, start with the first thing
on your mind:

Why am I so unhappy/stuck/angry/sad?

How can I get a job that pays me well/that is fulfilling/that is located abroad/as a
photographer?

How do I handle a partner that is
jealous/abusive/neglectful/selfish/amazing? :)

Thursday, March 19, 2015

It was very difficult for me to make the decision to ask for help, as I'm an extremely independent woman who doesn't like to display when I'm down. But hey, no man is an island. Right? I'm still learning that.

I set up my gofundme 11 days ago and barely promoted it, (which is why the amount raised is still at a hopelessly bleak $0). It finally dawned on me that if I was going to do this; if I was going to ask for help, and finish this book in two months, and hire an editor, and design the cover and publish it myself, I was going to have to go hard or go home.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Only two months into this new year, and I've already dated and dumped two
people. Both of whom attempted to sweep me right into heaven almost
as fast as they clumsily crashed right down into hell. I'm not one to suffer
fools or peoples pathetic emotional games, and so off I went. For awhile all I was meeting were suavely dressed commitment phobes, and my last three dumpees were the polar opposite... needy types that wanted to rush into a relationship so fast my head almost spun off my neck. Why did I go with it? Well fuck, I'm an ENTP, curious as all get out, and hey, life needs a little excitement sometimes. We all date because we're wishing this next one might be the last one right? I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a sesame seed size grain of hope swimming in me somewhere.

These
days, my career goals have been less about steady entrepreneurship and more
about financial freedom. At halfway into my second decade of life,
I've managed to avoid student loans, a car payment, a mortgage and
pricy health insurance; some of those I dodged on purpose, others by
happenstance. I am trying to figure out how to maintain this avoidance well
into old age, all the while trying to figure out how to stay away
from romantic timewasters, as they are APLENTY like indomitable roaches or something. If there was a god, I would pray at this moment.

Sometimes I feel as though I have it all. "Skinny, smart and
pretty, living in New York City." But seriously, I have a home I love, a healthy sense of self, good relationships with others, talent, drive, intuition, a brain that works well enough for 6 people. But I'm missing two vital
components, and to say they have plagued me for the past few years is
an understatement.

Despite having done quite well since naively landing in NYC 7.5 years ago with a mere $200, I have yet to find employment let alone a career that is
fulfilling, lucrative and flexible – and the fact that most of you
reading this will scoff “Well, no such thing exists” is part of the
problem. Why are we relegated to jobs full of drudgery? All things
considered, why the FUCK do we let this happen? The gigs that pay
well in America aren't things that actually add any value to the
world, never mind the country. And don't get me wrong, I'm no Mother fucking Theresa, but do
we really need another kitschy T-shirt line? Another fucking financial
advisor on Wall Street? Another husky football player, another wavy-haired pearly-white
grinning sitcom star, another twee elitist fashion designer, another ethnically ambiguous perpetually off-key “singer”?
Do we? Do we fucking do we?! Teachers in this country are making like, $500 a week. "Here, go wipe your ass with this, we value you so much."

We also work way too many hours in this
country, and I've been dividing far too much of my time either A)
resenting my parents for not emigrating to Spain instead of NY and B)
wondering how I can escape to any decent country in Europe and
somehow get citizenship. Because this greedy, capitalistic,
all-we-care-about-is-your-motherfucking-green-dollars U.S. of A is
bored, tired and OVER. We are the country that made the Kardashians
famous, the country that complains endlessly about it, and the
country that somehow made them even richer anyway. Because Americans
are stupid. If you've opened your eyes wide enough, you've recognized
the insanely superficial, debt-ridden and fear-mongering cycle we're in... I'm just here to shock the
status-quo-loving shit out of you and admit it. It's like fresh blood on a blank page... startling when you first see it, but unmistakable.

The other thing is that, in 10 years of dating, I have yet to find
a romantic partner that is both serious enough and suitable enough.
That is to say that anyone I've met who wants to commit does little to nothing
for me otherwise, and everyone I find attractive and intriguing is
emotionally flaky/volatile. Considering I've dated a great span of
ages, races and cultural upbringings, I'm not sure what to blame it
on. I know I'm not everyone's dream girl, but let's be real, I
certainly check off most boxes on peoples lists. I know one constant gavel-dropper is the fact that I
don't tolerate jaded behavior, and I don't tolerate head games. Considering that both of those things are common in our generation
(or perhaps just this twisted ass city), it makes sense how most
people who deal with me end up verbally slayed and out on the street. I just can't and won't deal with it. No patience, no energy, no reason - all that jazz. We've all been hurt before people! Process your
emotions, slay your demons and deal with it. Stop making every future
encounter pay for what your exes did. It's childish and pathetic, and
if you can’t play by the golden rules, then you should just sit this one
out. For the record, that wasn't inspired by anyone in particular, I
just notice trends on these streets, my brain sorts out the
data, and I spit it out.

I hate this new wave of 'it's so cool to not care, to be jaded,
to be an asshole'. Nobody thinks you're cool man. They just think
you're a repetitive bore and a drain.

What I *AM* likinglately are these adorable ass tiny houses. If only I can figure out where to park one. Where
in the states is it mostly warm, but not completely rural west-bumblefuck boringville? I'm not trying to be isolated or anything
like that. I AM a petite and adorable young woman after all. (*makes
mental note to park it in a state where I can have a gun – if I
stay in the states at all*). Oh the 20s, it's a time of exploration,
discovery, and challenge. If only you could navigate these years
expense free.

And on another positive note, my first novel "Loud & Clear" will be available for pre-order
soon. I'm looking for a designer at the moment to put together something flashy for y'all to look at as you click the BUY NOW button, ha! All the people who said they were looking forward to my book better
be the first in line! Or else you can say hello to the block button... forever.

I never said I wasn't petty ;)

But if your trigger finger is itching to buy something in the
meantime, you should hit up my store.

Meet Lady Blue:

about the blog:

Here at the "Known as Blue" blog [formerly BlueShame] you'll find what's missing from the day to day - raw, fresh and real opinions, written by me, Lady Blue. Consistency is guaranteed.

I don’t care what you think, yet I love you. As a self described “compassionate snob”, I fancy myself a unique commentator on topics ranging from New York City, human behavior, news, ambition, pop culture, nightlife, dating, and fabulous women like who else? Myself.

I hope that "Known as Blue" can empower others to better and stay true to themselves; or at the very least, make them think and make them laugh. If you like my writing, feel free to share it with anyone of equally good taste!

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