A day in the mind of Donald

Now, as someone who has self-respect and at least a basic understanding of the concept of human rights, I could never have said that there seemed anything vaguely appealing about the US Republican Party, with its history of Sarah Palin, the endlessly entertaining (if they weren’t busy ruining the lives of billions of people then they’d make a brilliant sitcom) Bush family, and its ties to the KKK and anti-abortionists worldwide. Add that to the hate campaign against any women who believe themselves to have rightful autonomy over their own body and well – don’t they sound like the people you’d love to have lead arguably the most geopolitically powerful continent?

But you would have thought that even they might have had a little round table discussion before allowing the mess that is Donald Trump.

The fact that he’s not the President of the United States (get your US flag out now, people, the patriotism here is real) yet means there’s still some humour in the fact that he’s running for the Republican nomination and topping some of the polls. But it is a real and worrying problem when someone so sexist, racist and reactionary has a chance of being in a sphere of influence even more so than he unfortunately is already. I can’t ever grasp what goes on in the heads of people like him, but luckily I stumbled upon his diary, so we can give it a go.

Dear Diary,

It’s me again, Donald. I know I haven’t written for a few days but I’ve been busy trying to be President of the WorldUnited States of America. I’ve been thinking I should make a list of my thoughts before I forget them though, because I seem to be forgetting quite a lot of things lately – like the time I was at the Fox News debate and conveniently forgot that I called women I don’t like ‘fat pigs’ and ‘dogs’. Megyn Kelly really showed me up there but it’s okay because she’s a fat pig too. She seemed so angry that she must have been on her period. It’s the only logical explanation, don’t you think?

It doesn’t matter anyway because she’s only a woman so she obviously has no grasp on my nuanced and progressive policies for our glorious nation. Like dealing with ISIS for instance: we need to just go and get the job done. There’s no time for diplomacy here, and if I offend people in the Middle East I don’t think it matters because the Mexican thing is all over the news anyway. That’s the next point – I need to send all the Mexicans back because their cunning government has sent the ‘bad ones’ over here. I mean, I hope it doesn’t come out that I’ve allegedly been sexually abusive to my ex-wife Ivana, seeing as I alluded to rape being committed by Mexicans. Then I’d look like a hypocrite, and I don’t want that. It’d be like the time I said that I ‘cherish’ women but actually, want to take away all of their reproductive rights! Hahaha. Me and the guys had a few laughs about that one. Oh, or like the time I said I was pro-life but that I’m against gun control.

Actually, having this down in black and white might not be the best idea. If one of those America-hating Democrats sees this I could be in big trouble…I’ll burn you later.

Donald xoxo

Maybe that was sliiiightly fabricated, but if this man gets within sniffing distance of the White House, it looks like we could be in for a treat in 2016.