Being alone can be painful. It can also be blissful. It all depends on your level of personal development in this area. A joyful state when you’re alone is attainable. And it is a very worthwhile pursuit.

Once you learn how to be alone you will no long be chained to the desperate need to keep a person in your life even though the relationship is bad for you. Whether the person is a lover, a marriage partner, a friend, or even a family member what good is it if the relationship brings you pain and lower self-esteem? If you can’t bare the thought of being alone you will always be in a position of weakness in your relationships. However, once you learn how to be alone and truly enjoy it you’ll be able to negotiate your relationships from a position of strength knowing that you can end it and be okay.

We all experience moments of intense loneliness. We initially experience this when we are left alone for the first time as children. As we develop and grow we learn not to fear being alone. Nevertheless, there times when we face feelings of loneliness. These times can be extremely difficult at first.

Transitions in adulthood can bring on powerful feelings of loneliness. When we break up, get a divorce, or a partner dies we are suddenly alone. Before this event, we grew to rely on their companionship. We knew that during almost every evening, weekend, and holiday we would have someone to share it with. The sad feelings that you experience can be the same when a close friendship ends.

If your break up or divorce was preceded by months of tension, the separation might come as a relief initially. After a few nights and weekends alone, however, the relief can turn into desperation about being alone. It is at this point where profound growth is possible. You can use the pain of the break up and the loneliness to move yourself past the sometimes terrifying feelings of facing the future alone! Once you breakthrough and find your strength, which is present in you right now, you’ll experience a whole new world of personal power and freedom.

Many of us try to avoid spending time alone as much as possible, and fill the silence with distractions, turn on the TV as soon as they get home, having it as a constant companion, or even avoiding going home until it’s time to get some sleep for the next day.

We have lost touch with being immersed in our own thoughts and inner guidance, being comfortable with who we really are. We hide our true feelings and thoughts in order to feel accepted among our friends, family or when getting to know new people. We have become so good at it that we hide our soul from ourselves as well, seeking our value through other people’s viewpoint.

For some people, being alone is easy and something that they enjoy doing. For others it can be fairly difficult to learn. If you are an introvert, quiet time is energizing. Unfortunately, in this world where extroverts are praised, not wanting to socialize every evening is often looked upon as antisocial and weird behavior. However, many of the world’s greatest talents, artists and musicians are often introverts who recharge their batteries by spending time alone.

Spending time alone with yourself, without distractions, is crucial for all of us because it opens up space for our real thoughts to come through. It lets us discover what we have been trying to cover up, and failed to take time to hear earlier. Most importantly, it lets us become who we really are when we learn to listen to our inner voice and intuition.

Never ever count on any other people or a single person to make you happy. Don’t settle for something that your soul doesn’t have a desire to do, only because you want to please other people. You are giving away your power. You have the keys to your happiness, but you need to find the locks first, and that is something that you need to figure out by yourself.

Here are five tips for learning to enjoy spending more time with yourself:

1. Have a home environment where you really want to be. Surround yourself only with things that you love. Colors, artwork, fresh flowers, and candles. Whatever makes your home feel like a special place where you want to spend time, and relax.

2. Have a retreat at your own home. For a weekend or even one day. Disconnect from your computer, social networks and turn off your phone. Meditate, listen to your favorite music, read, take a hot bath, go for a walk, write a journal and let your thoughts flow. Do all the things to pamper yourself that you usually ignore because you feel that you don’t have the time.

3. Find out what you really love to do or have always wanted to try. Instead of switching on the TV, logging into Facebook, or doing things that are based on social pressure, write dream journals and love lists, experiment and be spontaneous.

4. Tap into your creative power. It can be anything from cooking to singing. Go into different workshops or art classes, listen to inspirational lectures, guided visualizations and audiobooks to develop your imagination.

5. Make every moment special. Use nice dishes and light a candle when you are eating alone. Savour every spoonful mindfully and appreciate your food. Wear your favorite dress, on a normal day or why not even if you are spending the day at home. Don’t save things just for special occasions. Everything is made to be used.

It pains me at timesthat I have deliberatedover whether a friend can be a loverI’ve had lovers who were friendsbut we were loversfirst….then a moment arisesthe need for a loverbecomes a thirstIs it fair?that you demand more your friendfrom the picture you drew?sadness and lonelinessso they offermore to you of themselvesif you accept their offercan you turn back the clockmistakes may slipfor after a friend becomes a loveryour knowledge of each otheris more intimateflicking an emotional switchso you no longer react as of lateyour friend has goneyour lover is herethings now become more intricatewhen a relationship endsit invariably sourscommunication is brokenyou have lost your friendHowever…..to further the debateif your friendis your soul matethen as your loveris it not deliberatedthat your soul matecan be your loverthey know the inner younot the intimate firstthey can read youknow your thoughtsunderstand you at bestSo how do we distinguishbetween who is a frienda lover anda soul matecan they be defined?or do we combine and manipulatehow do we know if a friendcan be a loveras a lover can be a friend?Or do we confuse the two…..

In my relatively new life path of single living, I’ve come to the conclusion that one of the most difficult and sometimes annoying aspects of the lifestyle is that you can’t escape your own presence.

That sounds odd when I say it, but I compare it to when I was married and focused most of my attention on my spouse and my family. I fell into the habit of continuously gauging what it was they wanted, and directing my efforts toward accommodating that. Eight hours a day (plus commuting time) was directed toward making money to pay for the things that supported a married with children lifestyle. Weekday evenings were for listening and attending to their problems and looking for solutions. Weekends were for things that needed to be done around the house or the yard or pursuing family recreation. Personal time for the most part was limited, and opportunities for introspection and examination were sporadic.

It’s my own fault that I didn’t carve out much “me time”. I know other married men that did, whether it was fishing with the guys on the weekend or poker night or football at the sports bar. For whatever reason, little of that held much interest for me.

But getting back to my initial point, the contrast with the single lifestyle is that all of a sudden things are very different. Your work and paycheck are your own (after paying off the divorce settlement of course). Your budget and financial plan is geared only toward your own financial goals and objectives. Weekday evenings the agenda is your choice. Weekends might be time for some housekeeping chores, but what to do and when to do it is based on how fast the grass grows, whether you’ve run out of clean socks, and whether you can still fit dishes and silverware into the dishwasher before you have to run it and empty it.

So the dialog that goes on to determine priorities and actions is strictly between you and yourself! And sometimes yourself can get a bit annoying. Some of the ongoing issues with myself are along these lines:

I am apparently quite a procrastinator when left to my own devices.

Laundry is done when I’ve run out of socks or clean underwear

Dishes are done when I’ve run out of either plates, forks, or pots to cook in

I mow the lawn when it looks like it will be a problem if I don’t cut it soon

I clean the house when I know I’m going to have a visitor

Grocery shopping is done when the refrigerator and freezer won’t make a meal I’m interested in

I also tend toward being sedentary, to a greater extent than I realized

I bought a rowing machine and had to give it away to avoid the guilt of not using it

I got an inflatable kayak last summer that is still in the box

The pull-up bar in the door jam has dust on the handles

Until quite recently, the new bike I bought last summer had fewer than 10 miles on it

It’s taking a long time to banish negative self-talk, the kind drilled into me by significant others in my past regarding

the idea that I’m self-centered

and only care about myself

that I’m too introspective and intellectual

that I’m withdrawn and not social

It’s probably the negative self-talk that’s the most annoying. My method for working on overcoming that has been meditation, and I’m making progress.

Procrastination is a tough one, since I’m used to doing what I’m asked/strongly-suggested to do. But keeping a to-do list has been some motivation. In fact, some old projects I’ve been avoiding are floating up dangerously toward the top of the list.

Being sedentary I’ve recently addressed by putting some regular activities on a weekly calendar, and reducing them to things I actually find enjoyment in, rather than things I tend to think I “should” do.

It seems silly in a way that a guy of 60 would have difficulty figuring out what to do with himself when he’s on his own. But maybe I’m not alone. Maybe there are lots of people in my situation that struggle with the same issues, quietly, and on their own.

It’s easy to find blogs on the subject of divorce, but not so on the subject of being successfully single. In part, I think that reflects our society’s assumption that the married state is preferable; so much so that gay and lesbian couples seem to think that the right to marry would be a high attainment. And then the follow-up to divorce blogs seems to be the how-to-find-a-mate blog.

Divorce blogs are helpful therapy when travelling through that process, and I’ve read a lot of them over the past several months. But after you’ve survived it and sufficiently licked your wounds, you will want to move on. And the question is where. For me, the answer always used to be that I should look to get married again. After all, I had children that weren’t out on their own yet, and the assumption was that they needed an adoptive mother figure in addition to myself as their father. I didn’t want to be characterized as a dead-beat (single) dad after all. Single people aren’t welcomed into social groups dominated by couples.

So after decades of married life (3 strikes in a row), and having worked through the period of drifting that I found myself in during the months that followed, I’m realizing that it’s time to put the oars back in the water and establish a course. This time I’ll be careful to avoid the reefs and sandbars of wedded bliss, however, as I’m aiming to experience a bliss that can arise on its own within me; one I can nurture on my own.

I won’t be excluding friends and acquaintances and a lover, however. I’m not interested in sequestering myself from the rest of the world or to live a monk-like or reclusive way of life. Successful singles seem to be even more engaged in broad aspects of life compared to their married counterparts.

So step one is the realization and promise to myself that for the rest of my life I’m going to be single and self-directed and open to life’s possibilities. I intend on avoiding “should’s”, as in I should do or not do this or that. I’d rather choose to do or not do, and leave it at that. I consider myself as easily old enough and experienced enough and getting-to-be-wise enough to choose my own path and be OK with where it does or doesn’t lead me. I’ll have no qualms about changing my course when it makes sense or seems preferable.

I’d like to travel light, without a lot of baggage, and without so many commitments and obligations that consume my time or attention. KISS (keep it simple, stupid) will be my motto. Why do 5 things when 1 will do? Keeping plans to the minimum will maximize the options. I’ll keep my hand on the tiller and an eye to the wind.

And let me know if you run across some good blogs on being successfully single.