When we accept what has happened to us and begin to understand the effect it has had on our lives, we have to grieve. Let yourself grieve and feel and eventually you'll begin to focus more on the future than the past.

We all have such different stories, but we go through some very similar things. I'm grieving for a part of me that I didn't realized was so profoundly injured until earlier this year.

That is some seriously good stuff and right where I'm living right now. Thanks Mark

This is incredibly wise and man, does it apply to me right now. I am really in a hard place in terms of just coming to recognize what was done to me and how I have blamed myself and hidden so much over these years. Not sure the way out, but perhaps grieving is the way. RL

When my csa consciousness surfaced,'grieving and despair set in-I'm glad imknew to reach out and HAD a community of men to support me as I got depressed and slept much of last winter-having work to do helpmstabilize things too.

I am alive today. I am not crushed by my csa like my little boy was. I can give him attention care and grieving and Play when I listen to him.

So who has it tough in my life? My brother, also a csa victim, died after eight days in an alcoholic coma and lies six feet under the frozen ground.

My cousin, abused for years, struggles with mental health issues and addiction and is barely holding down a job far beneath her abilities.

I have many friends who've done jail time for their choices as adults-all were abused and didn't get help until too late.

Recovery is tough-but staying stuck is tougher-even impossible to survive.

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We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

Tough is understanding we all got hurt in our own ways...some maybe "worse" than others but were all here for a reason.

I certainly understand what yur saying..and feel it...but know that your hurt matters and our other brothers who might have had it "worse" also feel our hurt. Its ok too, to be empathetic as long as you dont lose yourself in it.

YOU MATTER KEITH....AND YOUR PAIN MATTERS.

Like all of us..if you made it here your life has been effected by abuse...whether once or a hundred times.

You guys are great. Each of you have contribute to my recovery in ways you may not even realize. A number of you are there to check in with me daily. The MS community is incredible

BUT I AM STILL SO PISSED.

Hey I know I am making progress...I am laughing again, enjoying stuff, taking care of those around me. trying to pay it forward here etc, but I'm inside out on the serenity prayer and don't accept right now I can't fix-change everything in sight.

I want control, i want to know bad things won't happen to good people. I want to know each of you here and everyone else here is gonna get better. i want to know kids are still not being hurt and won't end up here with us.

I want a drink and a smoke. Yeah thats the ticket......

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"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my son's senior year HS Yearbook.

Month 5 of recovery completed. It feels really different, and different is better in many ways.

The nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks are done. Nothing I miss with that crap. I do see my abusers face constantly in my head and could live without that reminder, but I'll deal with that.

I stopped taking meds because I no longer feel depressed. That has messed up my sleep and left me edgy/angry, but it's not directed or taken out on my family. If anything I feel even greater love towards my wife and kids, if that is possible. Maybe that's more a re-connection....don't know.

I'm drinking, eating and smoking more, but it's controlled, well I think. The drinking is mostly social and Its good to be able to be sitting with friends and neighbors and appreciate them all again.

The smoking is a bit confusing. I like cigars. My old man pretty much forced that habit on me from 18 on. What I don't get is that my abuser was also a cigar smoker and I'm surprised I don't see that as a major trigger. Any way I'm smoking too much out in the garage and guess I'm lucky the dogs like to sit there with me still.

I'm working on fixing relationships with our older 2 kids (they are 18, 17, 12). They don't know of my CSA and my T says they never should be told. That works for me just fine. I do have it stuck in my mind that I must have seemed a major tool to them often because I was always physically there but typically emotionally absent. You got no idea how much it hurts me that I can count lots of time when at a game some friend would say did you see that great play your kid just made, and the honest answer was nope, didn't realize he was on the field even. In any case I feel kind of like the Grinch post his fix but think I am over compensating at times too. Some how I committed to hosting New Years Eve for what could be way too many HS seniors and College freshman, by example.

My recovery focus needs to be on dealing with my abuser and putting him in the place he deserves. I hate even writing this now, but the truth is that he was a very popular, charismatic, community leader. It is sick to say but he was always nice to me and that kills me knowing the harm he did. If you ever read the Steven King book "IT", I see him like the monster Pennywise the Clown, smiling and drawing me close at 10 years old, then finding out way to late that behind that smiling Clown face was fangs and a God awful monster.

Still have not shed tear #1 for my Dad. Still angry with him for not protecting me. Still angry at the really bad way he died and having to take that trip with him. That's really unfair and I sure hope he would understand.....

My T is great. He encourages me to try and pay it forward here. Helping others (if I did actually help anyone yet) is healing for me. I owe a lot to so many of you here who grabbed me up day 1. It's hard to figure how such an incredibly intimate injury can be healed in this communial environment, but it does somehow.

I'm looking forward to Christmas. My faith remains real strong. Our oldest is back from college Friday and it feels good when we are all together. I'm looking forward to making the most of the 3 weeks or so we are all together.

Be well all. I can't thank you all enough for having the real bad fortune to join me here at MS and help me find some common peace ......and yeah this is still real tough!

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"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my son's senior year HS Yearbook.

For those of you just starting out I can say it does get easier and it does get better. By that I mean you do heal.....

Don't get me wrong, every day I still think way too much about the horrible thing that happened to me as a kid. That may never change. But now I can breathe and live some at the same time.

I start to realize the specific effects abuse has on you as a person. For me it most effects my ability to parent and be confident in my decisions in that role.

I also realize why you make some decisons because of your abuse too. I married the only woman I ever really felt safe with. Though we are so very lucky for all that we have, I am sure she was also the only one I would ever feel this way about. That is something I would not change no matter what.

My wife is still facing a real health crisis today. We are waiting on a diagnosis right now. I am thankful to be there for her. I am glad to realize how important each day is.

Dealing with CSA is still so tough. The truth is there will always be speed bumps in life, and on any day something even tougher may be waiting for us all.

For me it's all the more reason to remain committed to getting better a bit each day. I hope you all can do the same.

There are incredible men and women here. I wish each of us nothing but peace....be well.

Keith

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"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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