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Monday, May 21, 2012

This is my friend, Eric. Anyone wanna guess what he is? Go on..I bet you can given what he holds in his hand and the title of this post..Go ahead. I'll wait...
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Ok, I know you got it. He's a photographer. He's a very talented and skilled photographer. He's amazing. He's also convinced me to let him take pictures of me. Yeah, me. Plain, boring, needs to lose 100 pounds me. He'd also thwap me..ok, he wouldn't thwap me..but he'd chastise me for saying those things about myself. You see, from the first time we spoke practically, Eric has told me that he thinks I'm beautiful. I tell him I'm not. He tells me I'm not allowed to say I'm not. It might have taken him weeks before I consented to let him take pictures of me.

Now, in less than 1 week, I'll be standing in front of him, nervous as can be. I think I must be crazy to have agreed to do this. I've seen the girls that he shoots. They're gorgeous. Me? I'm just me. There's nothing special about me. I'm going to do this though..part out of this see, I'm going to show you that you're out of your mind, Eric mentality and part because I'm hoping he'll prove me wrong. I want to see myself as he sees me. Two totally different mindsets but still both very real.

On top of this, I've had three different people request photos of me for use on their websites. People must be losing their minds! Luckily, at least one is just a hand shot. Seriously. I'm being sent (and hopefully they arrive on time) a pair of mittens to model while in Phoenix. The owner of the site wants pictures of her mittens at the Phoenix Comicon and around town while I'm there. I don't think that Eric will be doing those unless he happens to catch me while we're both at the con. You see, he's actually one of the official con photographers. Seriously, the man is mega talented. So, those pictures will probably just be done with my own camera. He'll be doing the others though.

I'm betting y'all may be wondering how I'm handling the stresses of something like this. Honestly, I'm doing ok with them. I actually enjoyed a small ice cream cone yesterday without worrying about anything. I just enjoyed it. I did fairly well with eating this week. There weren't any intentionally skipped meals, not even after I had to spend two days bathing suit shopping.

On Thursday morning, I fly to Phoenix. I know that Eric, Justin and my newest friend, Walter will all be there. They all know about my eating problems and will be there to support and encourage me on days when skipping meals would be incredibly easy. For some unknown reason, they all love and care about me and even think I'm beautiful. You know, I just realized they all wear glasses..maybe that's the problem. ;)

In all seriousness, I'm doing ok. I'm beyond excited for this trip and the fact that I'm going to be wrapped up in love and hugs for the entire weekend. Hugs are my healing drug and I'm going to stock up on as many as I possibly can.

Monday, May 14, 2012

Welcome to another week. Mondays, for some reason, have always been one of my favorite days of the week. It always feels like a fresh start and in life, fresh starts are important things.

When dealing with food issues/eating disorders/life, knowing that tomorrow is a new day and a new chance is an important thing. When I left you last week, I was happy and excited about life again. It's funny how quickly emotions can change.

On Tuesday, I was faced with something that I didn't see coming. I can't talk about it here though. Not because it's personal but because it's private between me and another person. This person still means the world to me and I won't risk that. What I can share is that it messed me up. I went from someone who woke up happy and singing and excited about the prospects of the day to someone who wanted to curl under a blanket and hide. The food thing kicked in and it kicked in hard. I didn't eat on Tuesday. That night, I was asked what I'd eaten and the honest answer was nothing. I didn't want to eat. I wanted to hide. I was an emotional wreck who hated herself. I hated my body. I saw no reason to feed it. It was probably one of my lowest moments so far. By the end of the day, I could almost feel my body turning on itself. I was in physical pain.

I did eat that night. I was begged to eat something so I did. I ate an apple. It was hard. I had to force myself to take bite after bite, chewing and swallowing, but I did it. I ate it. Since then, I've slowly been healing. My heart was hurt and so was my self esteem. Those two are tough areas to overcome. I did eat the rest of the week, although after Monday, my body rejected everything that I ate on Tuesday. The rest of the week was easier, as far as that goes.

It's still hard. I was hungry this morning so I ate some cereal. After about 2 bites, it no longer tasted good. I finished it though. I know my body needs fuel. I know my brain is confused. I know this will take time and will always be something I have to watch out for. I'm thankful to not be alone in this. I have good friends and good people in my life who check in on me. Their support means so much to me as I struggle to find my balance again.

I can do this though. I'm not giving up on me or on life. Phoenix is in 9 days and I can't wait. Life holds so much beauty that I'm not going to let something like this stop me from enjoying it. Besides, there are those in Phoenix who will probably put food in front of me constantly..and while I don't need to gain 10 pounds in a weekend, it feels really good that they care about me enough to take care of me. I am loved and I am not alone in this.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

I'm a day late but I don't care. Isn't that selfish of me? I guess I don't really care about that either. What's important is here is my post. The date at the top or the bottom doesn't matter. It matters that it's here and I'm here.

Not only am I here, but I'm here and I'm healing. I just got back from a weekend in Canada and I honestly had no idea that by driving 14 hours or so round trip, my heart would start to heal. It did though. I just needed time with the people who really and truly love me, who accept me..all of me..and who I can just be with. I don't have to be mom or in charge or anything, I can just be.

Am I making any sense? Honestly, I'm not really sure. My thoughts are scattered today, but the one thing that keeps coming through my head is that I am loved. I know people tell me that all the time, but sometimes..just sometimes..you need to physically feel that. I had that this weekend. I was hugged on Friday. I was hugged so many times on Saturday. I was hugged on Sunday. I was hugged on Monday. Those hugs were a healing catalyst. They reminded me that I'm not alone in this world. All I have to do is reach out and people are there.

Not just any people, but my family. We all know that the family given to me by blood is ..well...not the healthiest thing in my life. With the distance and everything over the course of the past year, I'd cut off a piece of myself and locked it away. I'd convinced myself I didn't need this anymore. Being back with my family, the family I was blessed to have found during another period when I felt alone, woke up that part of me. I need that part of me. I need to be all of me, not just parts of me..not just the parts that people find socially "acceptable".

So while this post might seem disjointed, it's only because ...well, a part of me has woken up and I'm filled with huge amounts of emotion today. This time, however, it's not negative. It's..well like rainbows and sunshine are filling me from the inside out. I left a piece of me behind in Ontario, but what I brought back is so much more. It's as if each of those hugs came together to form some sort of...love shawl and I can feel it wrapped around me. It's holding me tight and it's keeping me safe as I heal from the damages that have happened.

I am so beyond blessed to have some seriously amazing people in my life and today, I celebrate being a part of life. Today, I am loved as I was yesterday and so many yesterdays before that. Thank you, my friends and my family for reminding me of who I am...and ..well, for making me human again. Thank you, Rob..for pointing out just how far I'd slipped. It was good to be home.

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Welcoming Weight Loss is a safe haven for a group of friends who have all decided to take the journey to better health and weight loss. We'll share not only our triumphs, but our setbacks. We'll share our tips and our favorite recipes and anything else we learn along the way.