GOURMETTE, France -- A shocking discovery at the Tour de French: Michael Rasmussen, the current leader of the tour, has been pulled out of the tour. Yes, the LEADER of the TOUR DE FRANCE was PULLED out of THE tour.

Some people say that is was because he lied about his wareabouts before the tour began. Of course the folks in America know better: Rasmussen rides for a DUTCH team, namely Rabobank and we all know what Holland is famous for: smoking weed and pissing on the traditional values of America. To put it simply, they HATEAmerica.

This view of mine is supported by Rasmussens comments and I qoute:"I don't get this either, I am completely stunned as well. The only thing I'd like to say is that I'm completely innocent. Okay, guys, you caught me, I totally admit it: I did weed, gay married and killed three babies. I did this because everyone in Holland does this. They totally forced me."

You see? They just hate America. Joining us now is professional sodomizer and Dutchman Jacob Bergsma. Jacob, first tell us why you hate America.

Jacob: "Okay, first off, I think you wrong on this, alzo..."

Okay, okay, cut his mic.

You see, I told you so. I just told you, didn't I?

Coming up next: why the Colbert Report is totally going to steal this article. We'll be right back.