Dear Beans… Crimson Colour Catastrophe

It has recently been brought to my attention that the world is not black and white anymore. It is a vibrant, colourful, smorgasbord of everything. I say everything because there are a lot of things now. I do miss the days when there were less things although I am quite happy talking to the small black disc in the corner of the room, especially when she plays me Captain and Tenille songs.

What disappoints me though is that there are no new colours. I want someone to come on the television and announce to the world, “Hey people! If you mix this and that you get a brand new shade! I’m calling it quotium brown!” I would prefer brighter colours though. There must be a new red or orange that somebody can rustle up like cookies from the cooker. We can’t have all the colours now that we’re only ever going to have. Forever. Forever and ever. People get so bored these days that they need new and stimulating things in order to keep them from going mad.

Do you think they are holding back on us? Are there scientists lurking within mountains, swirling ominous solutions in test tubes in the hope of squeezing out a new green?

If not, is there any chance one of you could invent a new colour and send it to me in the post?

25 comments to Dear Beans… Crimson Colour Catastrophe

At school, Al was insistent that he’d invented a new colour, which he called “phylisinia”. But as no paint or felt tips or colouring pencils had ever been created in that colour, he couldn’t show anyone. It existed only in his mind.

New colours are invented all the time, however as everything is worth something these days, scientists insist on patenting everything before they release it to the hoi polli. The issue is that patent notices must be submitted in black and white, this causes significant delays as the scientist in question then has to describe in words exactly the new shade without anyone being able to see it. This takes significant time and the earlier patents from the 1970’s are only just starting to trickle through the system.

Imagine the world of colours that we’ll have access to in another 40-50 years when the patent system has dealt with the backlog.

I for one would like to see Kevin Hill, Science Master exonerate himself from this heinous crime by scientifically proving he didn’t thieve, burgle and extort the cake in question himself. Surely there’s something forensic he can do with chemicals.