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AIRING DIRTY LAUNDRY CLEARS AWAY THE STINK!

“This is it” I thought, “hit ‘post’ and there’s no turning back”. I was calling out my boyfriend on social media – airing my dirty laundry as some would say - bringing my personal pain to the public domain. It was no easy decision, but, like Jerry Maguire writing his mission statement[1], I was alone, passionately motivated, and I didn’t care . I had lost the ability to bullshit. I was tired of pretending that everything was fine. I needed to be held accountable.

I’d like to say I thought of all the repercussions, because I did think about and slightly agonized over the decision. But I have to admit that I forgot I had almost 900 Facebook “friends”, many of whom I don’t know or interact with on a daily basis and a few of whom logon as “flies on the wall” to feed off of others for juicy bits of entertainment. I also forgot the lessons I’d learned from my corporate life about the importance of appearances. Yes, in my passion I forgot those details and, like Maximus Meridius in the movie Gladiator[2], I thrust myself into the precarious arena of public opinion.

This public domain is no place for the faint of heart – especially if you are female. No wonder I opened a studio in which people could feel safe expressing all things feminine. This world is not quite ready for women who speak up against male behavior. You will be fodder for ravenous trolls unless you arm yourself with a strong sense of self and clear purpose. Fortunately for me, I have both. As a writer/blogger/memoirist with a feminist perspective, my personal life is a constant social experiment. All of it is subject to study and analysis for publication. And the lessons to be learned are plenty about female expression in a culture still hostile to any woman who does not conform. What could have been an irreversible betrayal of trust and permanent stain became an insight into the subtleties of fear and oppression, particularly for women who refuse to cower.

For the most part, my experience was positive and comparable to what memoirists experience when airing their “dirty laundry”. The public (or perhaps peer) pressure motivated my boyfriend to clarify his actions and open the lines of communication. My friends reached out to help or check in on me. Others, whom I would never have thought to call, also reached out to help. One person close to me strongly suggested I delete the post right away. A few passed judgment on my boyfriend. Most either ignored or quietly judged my actions. Others tuned in to watch the show. One man tried to exploit what he perceived to be a chance to make a move and another tried to exploit my experience to manipulate his audience. It was this second exploitation that I found most illuminating. Thirty years after reading Anne Wilson Schaef’s book[3] about the reality women face in a hostile White Male System[4], I was, still, facing the “stoppers” intended to keep me from overstepping the bounds imposed by it.

What I learned from Schaef, as far back as 1981, is that there are a number of techniques used to make women back off from their own perceptions. The most blatant ones are physical, like rape and battering. Less blatant is the implication that there is something wrong with the woman who has spoken up. In his own Facebook post and the comments corresponding to it, the man who “called me out” for posting about my boyfriend refused to engage with me in any way that respected the topic or my position. Instead, with each point I made he became increasingly abusive. Over the course of the exchange, he called me a selfish, passive-aggressive bitch, said I looked like a stupid moron, accused me of seeking validation, of having no remorse, said my logic was f*#‘d up and, finally, threatened all women who dared make their life public. His barrage[5] is a perfect example of the less blatant, yet nonetheless violent, techniques that Schaef calls “stoppers”.

In her book, Women’s Reality, Schaef dedicates an entire chapter to the subject of stoppers, which she describes as the tactics used by people (both men and women) to scare a woman back into “a woman’s place” should she dare step up to express herself. In other areas more recently, these tactics have taken on new forms known as slut-shaming[6], cyber-bullying[7], and trolling[8], to name a few. Among too many to list in this blog, these tactics include: attacks on the way a woman looks, her logic, or her understanding of things; warnings about how she may be perceived; attempts to criticize, shame, or guilt her for not thinking of how her actions might make a man feel; patronizing her; and threats (implicit or explicit) of retribution for speaking up again.

The man who “called me out” attempted each of these, fortunately succeeding only to empower my own resolve and reveal his true nature, but what about the thirty-something people (most of them women) who “liked” his post? What about the hundreds of his followers and my Facebook “friends” who said absolutely nothing? In fairness, it is unlikely that many saw what he posted since we only share eighty-seven followers and it was a holiday weekend – most of my friends were likely out living their life, not following Facebook – but I’m sure some saw and quietly judged my actions. What of them? The man who “called me out” proclaims himself a feminist and has authority over a body of pole dance students participating in activities that are already subject to stigmas and public shaming. Did he really just go online and warn women what will happen to them if they “make [their] life public”? Did he really hashtag #Bitchgetoffmypole to a vast community of pole dancers with impunity? In a community where a woman who calls out a man’s behavior is considered a “bitch” while a man who calls out a woman for doing so gets 33 “likes” is it any wonder bodybuilders are free to compete publicly in thongs while pole dancers are only allowed to compete once they have covered their gluteal fold? And, of my friends who did not see his callout and quietly judged my own action, what system have they subscribed to?

In my first power yoga class a local teacher walked into class and asked us, “What would you do if you had no fear?” Well, if you’re in her class, you learn arm balances, headstands, handstands and all the fun stuff I’d always wanted to try. I fell in love! As a new yoga instructor I was afraid of hurting my students by trying anything too advanced, but her question made me realize I was limiting both my self and my students. Once I encouraged my students beyond their fears, I saw them light up with the same rush I felt when I took a risk and felt the potency of my own power. I see it daily in my pole classes as well. There is nothing more empowering for a woman than to ignore the many voices who will attempt to shame her for coming out on her own terms except the feeling of trying something she believes she could never do and realizing she can. The rewards I get for sticking my own neck out to teach young women how to pole dance lie in the transformation that happens when a woman finally breaks free of the binds that keep her “in her place”.

On the drive back to my studio after yoga class a guest speaker on Public Radio reported that the fear of public recrimination keeps most of us from taking the kind of risks that can make a positive impact in the world. He challenged listeners to an exercise they recommend in leadership workshops. The next time you are riding the train alone, call out each station and see what happens. “OMG, I would DIE!”, I gasped when I heard this, and suddenly realized what I had to do.

My lawyer’s office is in downtown Boston and, rather than struggle with parking, I took the train. Dressed in a tan pantsuit with a blue pin-stripe button-down shirt, holding a tan, leather briefcase, I got on the MBTA just after rush hour, my heart palpitating furiously, and did it. In a clear, loud, authoritative voice, I called out, “Hynes Convention Center!”, “Copley Station!”, “Arlington!”, and so on until I got to my stop. Is this making you uncomfortable yet? It was very uncomfortable! And what I discovered is that some people looked up, others ignored me (or were afraid to look up), and, most importantly, I didn’t die!

In my first year of business, a woman to whom I had given significant discounts wanted a refund after the instructor with whom she had a relationship quit. I have a very specific refund policy and she did not qualify for it, so I refused. She threatened to march over to small claims court and go to every social media outlet and tell the world that I was a crooked businesswoman. It turns out that she was the owner of a large market research firm – well able to afford the $60 she wanted returned - and a highly active political critic on social media. As the new kid in town, I barely knew anyone. I did not want her slander to be the first impression people had of me!

Coincidentally, she made this threat on the same day that two radicalized American brothers detonated bombs at the Boston Marathon. As I sat, trapped in my mother’s Cambridge apartment, unable to open the door to anyone who knocked while the police raced through the streets after a shootout, looking for the surviving terrorist, this woman emailed me. “You have besmirched your reputation”, she wrote. In another email, I received a notification of her post to the community online newspaper. I was prepared for a complaint from a disgruntled customer, but I was not prepared for her lies. As I thought about the way my mother and I were held under house arrest while a terrorist ran free on the streets, a bomb went off in my own usually tempered soul. I’ll be damned if I let a bully dictate the way I run my business and I’ll be damned if I let a terrorist dictate the way I live my life! I’m tired of living in fear!

I know this feeling resonates with a great many people, yet, when a woman speaks up critically about the way she was treated by a man, she is criticized, judged, and sometimes attacked. People don’t want to see it. Why is that? What would happen if we acknowledged the right of a Female System to flourish without impunity? Would we have to stick our own necks out and risk public recrimination? If so, would we die? The answers are, “yes”, you will likely risk some public recrimination, and, a very resounding, “NO”. You will not die. You may actually discover that your voice rings harmoniously with many others - research shows that 8 out of 10 men think it's not ok to disrespect a woman in public. And you will level the playing field to create a world that is more balanced. At a time when national sports leagues make millionaires of men accused or convicted of domestic violence[10] and more women suffer traumatic brain injury at the hands of men without the services given to similarly affected NFL players and returning war veterans[11], the world needs our strength and courage.

Generally speaking I think it is advisable to respect the privacy of others and be selective of the things you empower with your voice. What I have learned is that people who constantly and carelessly post negatively about others are not taken seriously. In a discussion about the woman who posted lies about me I was told, “yes, she is tough, but no one really pays attention to her”. About the man who exploited my experience I was told, “well, you know how he is”. At the same time, remaining a silent witness to a hostile attempt to “stop” a woman from expressing herself, or, worse, judging her or implying that she got what she deserves for expressing her truth, nurtures a system that oppresses women and degrades men.

People are, by nature, voyeuristic and whatever you say or post when revealing something personal, especially when posting about something as emotionally charged as love, will strike at the heart of your audience. Your friends, and the kind people in the world will reach out with support. The rest will wince, laugh, judge, and more – their reaction will express their reality, not yours. When posting about relationships, your loved one will likely be embarrassed, and the question will always remain as to why you couldn't communicate your complaints directly in private. A public airing will drastically change the way you deal with each other, either you will learn to talk things through, or, more than likely, it will mark the end of the relationship. If you are prepared for that, then proceed with honesty and clarity, because the airing goes both ways and if your intent is malicious or irresponsible, you will not only expose yourself as a troll, a shamer, a bully, or otherwise malicious and irresponsible person, you will be fair game for retribution. As memoirist Heather Sellers counsels, “do not [air your dirty laundry] to be seen or to be right. Do it in order to see”[12].

Airing private issues publicly politicizes the personal, Joy Castro tells us in her introduction to Family Trouble: Memoirists on the Hazards and Rewards of Revealing Family. Social Media is (and should be) a forum on which to manage a public image, not necessarily be a place to live openly unless you treat your disclosures with the same responsibility memoirists take in writing about family. In my case it was like my train ride, ultimately a positive, albeit highly uncomfortable, experience. I posted the facts and let people draw their own conclusion. I did my best to keep the focus on me, my plight, and reminded those who judged my boyfriend that there are two sides to every story. I resisted the urge to reveal more than was needed. And where the playing field was closed to me before my post, the public leveled it to open the lines of communication in my relationship in a way they were not before. My boyfriend and I both emerged as sympathetic characters and I discovered that I am surrounded by a great deal of caring men and women who have the courage and compassion to reach out to someone who is hurting. Many more people of both genders were supportive than I would have expected, suggesting that the Female System that was only beginning to emerge in 1981 has, perhaps, emerged more fully, yet still has a long way to go. As our country prepares to watch its first female presidential candidate, it is important to level the playing field in the macrocosm of public domain. In the microcosm of the pole dance community, it is important to level the playing field in order to allow pole dance to emerge as the athletic and empowering activity it is. In my experience, live and in person, I witnessed the way a hostile system works to oppress women and degrade men.

It’s not fun to be attacked, shamed, bullied, trolled, or exploited, but the man who exploited my experience showed remarkable sympathy and insight in his defense of my boyfriend, allowing me to see a glimpse of his own sensitivity. It is even possible that someone did call him out privately because he deleted his threatening post and reposted his view in a less threatening, less abusive way – going so far as to say he would never post about someone else again. But he didn't get nearly so many likes for his more neutral post and people never really remember what it was that you said, they only remember how you made them feel. Once I got past my bewilderment at his unfair treatment, all I could feel is sadness. Because a system that is hostile to women and all things feminine also limits us to the dualistic myth of the White Male System in which there is no room for the Divine nature of human imperfection. When you are either; right or wrong, strong or weak, winning or losing, on top or on the bottom, you cannot be all of them at once to move into a realm of self-discovery and growth – and you certainly cannot risk any honest expression of feeling that could be construed as an admission of guilt. Communication and bridge building is impossible in the binary nature of the patriarchy. By contrast, a system that embraces sensitivity, nurturing, and honest communication, respects differences, explores new truths, and acknowledges our humanity, honors everyone.