Monday, June 30, 2014

If
you've read my previous posts, such as the reasons babies are awful or why I should be allowed to shoot people in the face, you already know that this blog
tackles today's most-pressing and serious topics. This one is obviously no
different, with the issue-at-hand being how much better moose are than geese.
It is unfortunate that the words 'moose' and 'goose' rhyme in American English.
This mere coincidence is the only likeness between the creatures, however.

Large,
awkward, and clumsy, the moose is mighty. It is certainly no accident that
'moose' and 'mighty' begin with the same letter. Another non-accident is how
the G in 'mighty' is completely ignored during pronunciation. Goose starts with
G and this G is silent, like hissing geese should be. Geese are not mighty and they
think they are snakes. This is how dumb they are. A snake's hiss warns me to
not go closer to it else I shall be struck down by natural poison, which is awesome.
Not that me being poisoned would be awesome but the phenomenon that is snake
venom is breathtaking, figuratively and actually but certainly not literally. A goose hissing makes me
simultaneously laugh and angry, prone to grabbing a stupid furry goose child
and punting it into a lake. The only species-confusion moose have is due
to Europeans calling them elk. Why do Europeans do this? Certainly don't ask a goose
or you'll get an answer like 'Duh, I don't know. I'm going to fly in a V
pattern with my friends and crap everywhere because I'm rude and awful.'

For
the record that I am sure you are all keeping, I am speaking specifically about
Canada geese and not any other kind, such as snow geese, or 'snoogeez' as they
prefer to be called. So these geese left Canada. Why? Canada is great and do
you know why? Moose. So many moose. Geese got so mad at Canada because moose
are amazing that they invaded America but kept their ancestral name. Somebody
should petition Canada’s arch-duke or whatever they have to change the name of
these embarrassing creatures that are the only blemish on the delightful
nation.

Oh
man, my feet are so sore after a hard day of work. I’d better put on my goose
slippers. WRONG! No such thing. Go ahead, do a Google search. When seeking
‘moose slippers’, you’ll find pictures of many warm and cozy slippers with some
sort of moose head complete with antlers that are not only practical but
adorable. A search for ‘goose slippers’ will bring you nameless, faceless
sleepy shoes which contain feathers from geese and are probably sort-of warm
but look dreadful when juxtaposed with a wonderful pair of moose
slippers.

The
best thing about moose is how freakin’ cool they are. When offered
pluralization, the entire Cervidae family collectively said ‘Nah, we
don’t need an S or anything. Whether there is one of us or one hundred, we will
be moose, deer, elk, caribou, and reindeer.’ Not only tough in a literal fashion
but highly considerate.

Geese, on the other hand, totally rewrote the rules……
of annoyance…

Word
guy: ‘Hey, how about ‘gooses’?

Goose
representative: ‘Not only no, but we demand that you completely change two
letters in our singular title. Yes, add a separate entry in the dictionary for
our plural form, which MUST come alphabetically first, thus confusing
everyone.’

Mice
followed this example and there has been chaos ever since. Geese are such
jerks. Now, mice are not jerks. Calling a mouse by a name one letter different
from a moose is simply a fun thing to do, like calling a huge guy Tiny or a fat
guy Slim. Mice are fun but moose are the best. Also, geese are the worst.

In
the world of sports, there are several teams from northerly-latitudinal
locations whose mascot is the moose. For examples, the Manitoba and Jackson
Hole Moose terrorized their respective hockey associations for years. And the
University Of Maine decided moose are so wonderful that they named their *entire*
school’s mascot after the majestic beasts. To contrast, I found exactly ZERO
teams named Geese in my internet search that was really brief because I was
afraid of actually finding a team with that name.

Staying
with sports, everyone knows that the most obnoxious man in sports commentating
is Tony Siragusa. What is his nickname? Goose! Another perfect example to help
prove whatever point I am trying to make. Alternately, Daryl Johnston-
nicknamed Moose- was recently entered into the Greater Buffalo Sports Hall Of
Fame. Can you name anyone called Goose who holds that honor? Can you name anyone
else in that hall of fame? I sure can’t. Also, there is a player on the Detroit
Pistons named Greg Monroe who is referred to as Moose. I don’t watch basketball
because it’s terrible but I bet this guy is really good.

Another
person who was possibly nicknamed Moose was Benito Mussolini. Hmm… Anyway, I
heard this story while in Alaska: An older man was walking around the campus of
the University Of Alaska at Fairbanks when he unwittingly strolled between a baby moose
and its mother. Mama moose, fearing her child was in danger, immediately ran at
the man, trampling and killing him. This is indeed a sad and unfortunate story
for humans, but how bad-ass is that? Mama moose used her weight and might to
stomp out a threat to her kid. What would a goose have done in that situation?
Hissed. Maybe flapped its stupid wings. What potential predator would that
deter? A boll weevil perhaps.

To
close, this is how horrible geese are: Have you ever walked, run, skated, or
biked in a park? Yes? Good job! You must be well-aware of how annoying it is to
avoid 'landmines' on the path. Not only do geese crap everywhere like idiots
but waiting for one or a series of them to cross said path is excruciating.
Coming to a full stop (physically, not the British phrase for a punctuation
mark) to watch these fat morons waddle out of the way is unbearable. Sometimes
you'll witness them having a goose-battle over something stupid when one runs
at the other. So they can run but choose to move at a snail's pace. I feel like
there's something else they can do which would be convenient for everybody but
actively choose not to. Oh right, geese are BIRDS with WINGS which enable them
to FLY. They can move really fast if they want to but instead real animals must
bide our time and, for some reason, not run them over. Let's change this. Run geese
over. Spit at them. Kick them in their necks. Do anything you can to make their
small brains realize that they are the worst species on the planet. Do you know
how many species of animals there are on Earth? Like, dozens. Maybe even
bakers' dozens.