The biggest fad going among middle-aged white weekend warriors is obstacle runs. If “60 Minutes” did a piece on them, you know they’ve been a thing for a little while. Rest assured, the craze has spread through many a home when family members wear nothing but North Face apparel.

Tough Mudder and Warrior Dash are among the best known of the dozens of iterations of this idea working to separate mildly ambitious Type A people from their money. To be honest, I have no quarrel with the concept or even the races themselves. I did a zombie-themed obstacle race about a year and a half ago. It was fine. I dare say it was actually pretty fun.

But ooooooooh boy, a lot of people who are into these things are the absolute worst. Doing an obstacle run is not an accomplishment. It’s just some stupid thing you did with a couple thousand other half-assed physically fit white people. I’ve listened to folks gush that they PUSHED THEMSELVES TO THEIR PHYSICAL LIMIT and FORCED THEMSELVES TO DO THINGS THE BODY ISN’T SUPPOSED TO to complete these runs. Motherfucker, you ran through a trail that was kind of muddy, you trudged through some waist-high water and you climbed a rope wall. You didn’t scale Everest. You’d probably expend more energy playing a soccer game.

Because it’s the new hotness, it gives an excuse for obnoxious trendy fit people to turn their noses down on other forms of exercise. I had a bro tell me he couldn’t run conventional road races anymore because “it’s just not the same without an element of danger.” Look, you don’t have to conflate your thrill-seeking and your exercise. And if you must, you can be a little more daring than the goddamn Tough Mudder. AHHHHH OH NOES I GOTSTA CLIMB SOME OVER HAYSTACKS. TELL MY WIFE AND KIDS I LOVE THEM! Can you get hurt doing these things? Sure, most obstacle courses have hills with poor footing, which can and will inevitably lead to people falling and perhaps breaking bones. It doesn’t happen that often, but it happens.

You know what most entrants do when they get to the perilous points of these courses? They slow the fuck down. And they can afford to do that because most obstacle races are not timed. So you aren’t really racing anything. You are just trying to complete a course in enough time that the volunteers don’t force you off because they’re leaving. It’s the Disneyland of extreme sports.

Like I said, I don’t necessarily hate these races, just a large portion of the people who do them. But a shitload of people do do them. So if we band together and drown the irritating ones in the water obstacles, we’ll be better off. No worries, they signed the waiver.

The Warrior Dash ad with the five or six people staggering arm-in-arm like they just stormed the beach at Normandy is nauseating. Congratulations morons, you just ran through some mud and 4-inch flames. Better take a spa day to recover.

So I can throw these assholes in the pile with runners like Pearlman who only talk about their training and post pictures of their fucked up, toenail-less feet on-line; bikers that wear yellow jerseys and ride through high traffic areas with lots of stoplights and then stop at Starbucks in their dick-squezzing spandex; gym rats who flex and LIFT! and have arms bigger than their legs; crossfit bros who pose with passed out homeless guys; and the bootcamp people who run around orange cones at the local park at 5:00 AM while some douche yells at them? That is a large pile of assholes. This is why I exercise alone and don’t talk about it with anyone ever except my wife, and she doesn’t even give a fuck.

Not being an asshole when it comes to exercising is a good way to go about exercising. I exercise in the park because I do all body weight stuff, but I try to find the most abandoned, desolate piece of land so I don’t bother anyone.

I’ve done one of these before and honestly don’t get why everyone is so high on them. It ruins your fucking shoes and no man should enjoy running with mud smeared all over the taint. I left there honestly mad at the charity.

I did a Tough Mudder a few years ago when it was still a fledging event, and it was awesome. People were actually, get this, racing! I know, it’s confusing. Then I did one last summer with friends and it was terrible. The event consisted of walking/slogging between obstacles, posing for facebook photos, and then waiting in line for 10 minutes before getting to try each obstacle. To call obstacle races the Crossfit of running would be an insult to Crossfit. And I don’t usually have a problem with insulting Crossfit.

What, didn’t you see all of us WARRIORS wearing our EPIC orange fucking headbands around the office this morning, BRO MONTANA? That orange headband is something you just wouldn’t understand. You didn’t go through what we did.

I agree, the bro-tastic people who frequent these things can be pretty obnoxious. Of course, they’re not the only kinds of people who do them, but, still, the event caters to them most and it’s a valid point.

I will say, though, fuck you, a little bit. I did the Tough Mudder this year and, yeah, it was pretty hard. Over 14 miles of very, very uphill terrain, some pretty difficult obstacles, and some pretty claustrophobic spots. It was equally exhilarating and exhausting, and by the end of it, yeah, I did feel like I was pretty close to my physical limit. Some mental capacities had waned, I was fucking gassed. Suffice to say, it really was pretty hard, and felt rewarding when I climbed the last obstacle and hit the finish line.

It was almost 15 miles and had over 20 obstacles of varying strain, so, yeah, I was proud to have finished it. Fuck me, I guess?

I think you are missing the point; the problem is when people do an exercise fad and/ or tradition then turn into bragging, superior acting, self righteous assholes. The fucking point of an exercise routine is to be healthier, feel healthier, test yourself, etc., not to participate in something only to be a douchebag about it.

And again, nothing wrong with feeling a sense of accomplishment. But let’s keep it in perspective. You know as well as I do a lot of people come. Ask from those things and act like they just survived a 2 year stay in the Hanoi Hilton.

Not even just fads. Every asshole can run a race, even a marathon. Do it in 3 hours? Go ahead and brag because that it amazing. Do it in 6? Go fuck yourself. Did you get winded while you walked? Congrats, you beat the 5foot 250lb mom of four who never ran one in her life. What an accomplishment.

You just ran a race with a rope climb and a giant mud puddle in the middle of it. Of your own choosing. And nobody needs or wants to hear how you had a transcendental experience that made you realize that you can push your body further than you imagined. Just stop it. You ran a fucking race. Get over yourself.

For a guy like myself, fat and absurdly out of shape, this would be an accomplishment. In fact, you could sell this on PPV if you stacked the field with nothing but asthmatic, over-weight, beer swilling corn pones with inner ear problems that messed with their equilibrium.

I thought these looked cool/badass, then I read that something like 95% of entrants finish the race. Also, the Outside Mag feature about the guy who started Tough Mudder is worth reading. What a prick.

“I had a bro tell me he couldn’t run conventional road races anymore because “it’s just not the same without an element of danger.” Look, you don’t have to conflate your thrill-seeking and your exercise. And if you must, you can be a little more daring than the goddamn Tough Mudder.”