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The cost of a Walt Disney World vacation continues to rise, which means you need to find ways to stretch your dollar while in the Most Magical Place on Earth. That’s why your old friend Turkey Leg Jeff has put together these money-saving tips to help you get the most out of your vacation without breaking the bank.

Eat Off-Property

It’s no secret that you are paying a premium when you dine on Disney property. You are a captive audience and Disney isn’t sympathetic to your budget. Getting a rental car and hitting up the local Waffle House is a common way to save. Rental cars can get very pricey though—the gas, the insurance, and the parking fees add up pretty quickly. So forgo the rental cars in favor of a free option: a simple teleportation spell. All you need is a 10-foot circular area, a hooved quadruped, a vial of salt water, and 2 – 6 ounces of virgin blood.

Use a stick to draw your circle, wet the ground with the salt water, and smear the virgin blood on the animal while crying to the heavens “Auferas me de hac infernalis nocturnaque mundi!!” There’s no telling where you might wind up (though Myanmar, Bolivia, or southern Mozambique are some common places), but one thing is certain—the food will be cheaper than in Disney World. Stay tuned for a future blog post detailing how to get back to Lake Buena Vista.

Befriend a Duck

Lyle can often be found in EPCOT’s China Pavilion.

Ducks have enjoyed a free ride at Disney World for over 40 years. They don’t pay for food or admission, and they are so thrifty… have you ever seen one sporting a set of mouse ears? Befriending a duck is a sure-fire way to learn the ins-and-outs of gratis Disney magic. An affable quacker can teach you tricks such as waiting patiently under counter service seats for dropped food, preying on the stupidity of children who don’t know how to read the “Don’t Feed the Ducks” signs, and fighting skills so you can grab the corndog nugget that was OBVIOUSLY MEANT FOR YOU from usurping ducks. Go to the China pavilion and find Lyle. Tell him Turkey Leg Jeff sent you and you’re in.

Sacrifice Livestock in the Name of Walter Elias Disney

The headline is pretty self-explanatory but very few tourists know this. If you sacrifice some of your local livestock in Walt’s name, his spirit may bless you or a member of your family with a counter service dessert, an extra FastPass (usually only good for Fantasyland attractions), or a strong Wi-Fi connection inside a Caribbean Beach Resort standard view room. Be sure to pick a member of your livestock community that you don’t have an emotional attachment to, as the ROI on this one can be pretty low.

There is a place beneath the Magic Kingdom, in a corner of the utilidors long-abandoned by the park’s cast members, where the mines of sulphur burn in the hearts of the people—where malice is the common tongue and blood is the currency. It is here, amid the water-stained concrete and the terrified rats, the dusty crates of old costumes and multiplying roaches, that the Bay Lake Society Fight Club meets.

The club’s weekly feasts of pain and truculence are a hovel for hatred itself. Bookies exploit the desperate-hearted looking to make ends meet. The aggressors combat for glory and the honor of fulfilling violence’s commands. And in the air, the heavy wrath of mankind sits and waits: waits for the offerings, waits to be fed. Tonight it will consume a repast of fear and despair.

******

She stands in the center of a ring of zealous belligerents, all of whom are chanting her name: STUMP! STUMP! STUMP! Her grey 2009 year merchandise sweatshirt is caked with the blood of her past victims. Her fuchsia leggings are ripped from the countless times that past sufferers had clung to her, begging for a mercy they were never shown. One such fool knelt at her feet even now—battered and bloodied, drained of will—with the audacity to beg for hope. Defiantly, Stump scans the faces in the crowd. Did any of them dare ask for clemency for this pathetic waif? More egregious, had any of them dared to bet against her? She knew that look well. The look in the eyes of an unbeliever, as if they’d fallen off the edge of a great precipice, that said their choice was folly and now they would plunge eternally into a chasm of despondency from which there could be only one sickening end—faith in her, the Stump Cruncher.

Her eyes locked with a young man dressed in white, tears in his eyes. His eyes begged for tomorrow, but tomorrow was not a gift that she was willing to give tonight. She raised her voice to the crowd and asked, “Who wants to see Hermioknee Painger?” The crowed roared its approval and the young man let loose his soul in a howl of unbearable anguish.

In a single move, she grabbed the waif’s head with both her hands and thrust it into her swiftly rising right knee. A revolting, wet crunch. A soft crumple as the limp body hit the floor. The deafening cries of elation from the maddening throng. A brief twitch. The man in white ran to the corpse to savor one last moment of warmth before the cold of goodbye. And then the insignificance of death.

Stump turned to face the bookie as the crowds parted to giver her a wide berth. He inclined his head to her, flashed a smirk and threw her a towel. She wiped the sweat from her forehead and tossed it to a member of the crowd, who clutched it fanatically to his cheek.

“How’d we do tonight, Drunkie?” she asked the bookie, then turned to a boy in tattered rags and snapped, “Get me a Kungaloosh, kid.” The boy scurried off as she gave him light kick.

“A record night, babe. We’re rolling in it. Give me a minute to count out your cut. Should be over two grand.”

“Make it quick, Drunkie. I want to get outta here before the fans are up my ass.”

“Yeah, yeah, be right back,” he said and walked over to the flimsy folding chair.

The boy returned and handed her a skull with a straw sticking out of the left eye socket. She grunted a thanks to the kid and gave him a light shove, signaling to leave her alone. The crowd had begun to calm and gather at the board at the far end of the room, which listed the night’s schedule. The next match was the main event. Bets were in for the night, so she knew she had maybe five minutes before the throngs descended on her, asking her for her autograph. Some of them would beg her to name them her next opponent. Fight or be excommunicated—a fate worse than the pain of The Circle. She entertained the notion of staying, of giving the people her attention. But she was tired, hungry, and ready to indulge the triumph of her victory alone. She walked over to the buffet and grabbed a turkey leg, sinking her teeth into the salty flesh. She felt the grease run down her chin and onto her sweatshirt. She turned as Drunkie approached with a sweaty wad of green. She snatched it out of his hand and began counting it, getting it wet with the sticky juices of the turkey leg.

“$2,153. It’s all there.”

“Yeah, don’t blame me for checking your math, Drunkie,” she growled at him through a plentiful bite of turkey.

“Same thing I do every night: Stump Crunchin’.” Then she clubbed him playfully across the face with the turkey leg, slapped him on the back, pocketed her money, and strode down the long utilidor hall into the darkness.

Behind her, the crowd began to amplify as the announcer called out, “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Bay Lake Society Fight Club, where we fight to live and live to fight. Tonight’s main event is a duel to the death between two of the club’s most fearsome competitors. Let them do as demons do and all your wishes will come true!”

The crowd roared into the night, formed The Circle, and gave theater to the next two fighters.

Of course you do not have to donate! You can continue to vote in the manner we have been leading up to the finals and that will count as one vote for your guy!

I will tally all votes and donations and the winner will be announced Sunday, March 29, at noon (ET)

Disney March Maleness has always been about raising awareness and funds for worthy causes. Tim and Drunkie have been incredible in supporting this contest and talking about their respective organizations. I have pledged to donate $100 to the winner’s cause, and I hope with your support we can raise significantly more for BOTH guys’ causes.

Some notes on voting:

Please @ mention the organization that you are pledging to donate to. Their twitter handles are above. I would like for them to see that this is happening!

But two last things:Please follow through with your pledge. If you say you will donate $XX to Give Kids the World or the National MS Society, Tim, Drunkie, and I take you at your word that you will do so. To not would be a violation of the spirit of the tournament. I also ask that you do not pledge any donation under the condition that your guy wins. That is to say, please don’t pledge to give to the National MS Society ONLY if Drunk At Disney wins. Give out of the goodness of your heart, regardless of the outcome.

That’s it. This is nearly the end of Disney March Maleness. Good luck to Tim and Drunkie. I hope we can end this tournament on a bang and make all the contestants proud to have been part of this great game!

I sincerely thank everybody who has voted, and deeply appreciate all the guys who competed in the tournament.

Thousands of votes have been cast. There have been tears of joy and tears of sadness. 28 sexy boys have said adieu. Their partings were such sweet sorrow. Now stand the final four men of Disney March Maleness: Disney Hipster Keith, Tim Tracker, Drunk At Disney, and me.

Your votes on Thursday, March 26, will determine the two finalists of the competition. To vote, simply tweet “I’m voting for @______ in #DisneyMarchMaleness.”

Remember that we are playing for great causes; the time for the popularity contest is over—now I urge you to vote for the guy whose cause touches you the most.

Without further ado, the Disney March Maleness Final Four:

Disney Hipster Keith vs. Tim Tracker

Remember at the end of season 4 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer how—in order to defeat The Big Bad—Buffy, Willow, Giles, and Xander merged into one psyche inside Buffy’s body? Well, with the way Tim Tracker has been barreling through this tournament, I thought Keith could use a little help. Really, The Disney Hipsters are a team, and they stand or fall together. Adam, Andrew, and Jamie have been standing with Keith this whole competition, so I’ve decided to let this super Scooby Gang merge forces for this one battle only. You may vote for @DisneyHipsters, @JKDisneyHip, AND Keith himself at @KJDisneyHip to cast a vote for Keith. You may still only vote once per hipster account, though. If Keith moves on to the finals, then it’s back to being a lone wolf.

But I need to point out that Tim is not The Big Bad—far from it! He and his wife, Jenn, have been tremendous in spreading the word about Disney March Madness. They have pledged to match the $100 I would give to Give Kids the World Village if he wins. His legion of fans have come out en masse to support him and he has graciously voted for his opponent time after time. Can he keep up the momentum? He received fewer votes in the Adonis Eight round when all the other contenders gained votes. His first two opponents did not campaign. Is the Tim Tracker juggernaut for real or is it time for Disney Hipster Keith to pay the price? Can the combined power of The Disney Hipsters defeat THE Tim Tracker? It’s a bit unlikely to happen, but we like to discuss it anyway.

Drunk At Disney vs. Turkey Leg Jeff

I may come across as a happy-go-lucky fellow, but this match will be a tale of bitter revenge. Drunkie handily vanquished my beloved smoke monster, Brandon Glover, in the Adonis Eight round. No more smoky selfies. No more renditions of me singing “I’ll Make Glove to You” in my head. This means war, Drunkie!!

I honestly never thought I’d make it out of the first round of Disney March Maleness. I’m really flattered to be here in the Final Four, though I am facing my toughest challenge yet. Drunkie has been a congenial contender—posting videos, replying with thanks to each of the hundreds of votes cast for him, and graciously supporting his opponents. He has done it all with the most casual air, yet he has been working vigorously to forage for votes. But you never see him sweat, and that’s part of the charm. I’m going to have to overturn the fixins bar to find a way to take this superstar down and advance to the finals.

Can I drink this drunkie under the table, or will this beer-bellied beauty gobble me up and advance?