The Unhappy Reality of Female Socialization :(

“Here’s a situation every woman is familiar with: some guy she knows, perhaps a casual acquaintance, perhaps just some dude at the bus stop, is obviously infatuated with her. He’s making conversation, he’s giving her the eye. She doesn’t like him. She doesn’t want to talk to him. She doesn’t want him near her. He is freaking her out. She could disobey the rules, and tell him to GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER, and continue screaming GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME every time he tries to step closer, or speak to her again. And then he will be all, “I was just talking to you! WTF!” and everybody else will be all, “Yeah, seriously, why’d you freak out at a guy just talking to you?” and refuse to offer the support she needs to be safe from dude. Or, the guy might become hostile, violent even. Ladies, you’ve seen that look, the “bitch can’t ignore me” look. It’s a source of constant confusion, as soon as you start budding breasts, that the man who just a moment ago told you how pretty you are is now calling you a stupid ugly whore, all because you didn’t get in his car. OR

You could follow the rules. You could flirt back a little, look meek, not talk, not move away. You might have to put up with a lot more talking, you might have to put up with him trying to ask you out to lunch every day, you might even have to go out to lunch with him. You might have to deal with him copping a feel. But he won’t turn violent on you, and neither will the spectators who have watched him browbeat you into a frightened and flirtatious corner.

So we learn the rules will protect us. We learn that, when we step out of line, somebody around us might very well turn crazy. Might hurt us. And we won’t be defended by onlookers, who think we’ve provoked the crazy somehow. So, having your ass grabbed at the bus stop, having to go out to dinner with a guy you fucking can’t stand, maybe even having to fuck him once or twice, it’s a small sacrifice to avoid being ostracized, insulted, verbally abused, and possibly physically assaulted.

It’s a rude fucking awakening when a woman gets raped, and follows the rules she has been taught her whole life — doesn’t refuse to talk, doesn’t refuse to flirt, doesn’t walk away ignoring him, doesn’t hit, doesn’t scream, doesn’t fight, doesn’t raise her voice, doesn’t deny she liked kissing — and finds out after that she is now to blame for the rape. She followed the rules. The rules that were supposed to keep the rape from happening. The rules that would keep her from being fair game for verbal and physical abuse. Breaking the rules is supposed to result in punishment, not following them. For every time she lowered her voice, let go of a boundary, didn’t move away, let her needs be conveniently misinterpreted, and was given positive reinforcement and a place in society, she is now being told that all that was wrong, this one time, and she should have known that, duh.

For anybody who has ever watched the gendered social interactions of women — watched a woman get browbeaten into accepting attention she doesn’t want, watched a woman get interrupted while speaking, watched a woman deny she is upset at being insulted in public, watched a woman get grabbed because of what she was wearing, watched a woman stop arguing — and said and done nothing, you never have the right to ever ask, “Why didn’t she fight back?”

She didn’t fight back because you told her not to. Ever. Ever. You told her that was okay, and necessary, and right.

You didn’t give her a caveat. You didn’t say, “Unless…” You said, “Good for you, shutting up and backing down 99% of the time. Too bad that 1% of the time makes you a fucking whore who deserved it.”

Nobody obtains the superpower to behave dramatically differently during a frightening confrontation. Women will behave the same way they have been taught to behave in all social, professional, and sexual interactions. And they will be pretty goddamned surprised to come out the other end and find out that means they can legally be raped at any time, by just about anybody.”

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I’ll add there is an added expectation that you’re supposed to be cordial, even if you’ve been the victim of abuse or assault in the past. There is a special kind of victim blaming that goes along with this sort of expectation, and that is if trauma makes interactions with men a problem for you, then it’s your fault not the man’s for invading your space and making you feel unsafe. But, then again, it doesn’t require you be the victim of violence or find close proximity or unwanted attention from men for that to be the expectation, it just doesn’t stop when you have. If you freak out on a man invading your space, “your the crazy bitch who freaked out”. But you’ve posted stuff like this before, and it’s usually rooted in male’s feeling they’re entitled to the attention of women. I’ve been groped on buses in plain view of other passengers and nothing was said.

And I’ll tell you personally, I know that if someone does try something that there will likely not be support from those around me. And historically, I know following the rules won’t keep me safe, but saying something still terrifies the shit out of me. I do everything I can to prevent escalating the situation because I know it’s unsafe to do so. And unfortunately the situation tends to be a double bind, in that there is no way to navigate it, no way to win except to build a culture that doesn’t tolerate that bullshite, an culture where women and men stand up to this shit, but mostly other men. So the message men should take away from this is to learn what to look for, and when you see women being harassed and cornered, that men need to step in and change that culture. Men have the power to do that, which women by nature of “the rules” don’t. Men shouldn’t harass, and should stop harassment when they see it.

Oh, how I remember those “songs”. I’m one of those who was infamous for snapping “Go, on, you want to…whip “it” right on out, ok? And I’m gonna rip it right on OFF.” This was after I was raped for being average good….

I’ve thought about this post for a few days, Arb. The range of thoughts I had, fleeting or otherwise, that came up as I read it were, but not limited to, the following:
1) She could disobey the rules, and tell him to GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HER, and continue screaming GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME every time he tries to step closer, or speak to her again.
– This seems a bit harsh. “Isn’t there a more cordial step before ‘gtf away from me”?
– Wait, that means nothing to some guys
– Reality is, some guys would turn ‘gtf away’ as a challenge from a foe to be beaten, either verbally, psychologically, or physically
– It’s up to the other guys if they witness it to step in and stop this creep, either verbally, psychologically, or physically.
– or hey, how about this? GUYS, STOP RAPING.

2) “It’s a rude fucking awakening when a woman gets raped, and follows the rules she has been taught her whole life — doesn’t refuse to talk, doesn’t refuse to flirt, doesn’t walk away ignoring him, doesn’t hit, doesn’t scream, doesn’t fight, doesn’t raise her voice, doesn’t deny she liked kissing — and finds out after that she is now to blame for the rape. She followed the rules. The rules that were supposed to keep the rape from happening. The rules that would keep her from being fair game for verbal and physical abuse. Breaking the rules is supposed to result in punishment, not following them. For every time she lowered her voice, let go of a boundary, didn’t move away, let her needs be conveniently misinterpreted, and was given positive reinforcement and a place in society, she is now being told that all that was wrong, this one time, and she should have known that, duh.
– This, I think, is a really powerful message. Follow the “rules” and rape can happen. Men have to consider who the ones are that are making the rules, and how those rules are enforced.

3) “Too bad that 1% of the time makes you a fucking whore who deserved it.”
– Initial thought – defensive – wait a minute, the only guys who really say this are rappers and wouldbe/shouldbe convicts. Us real guys don’t say or think that.
– Next thought – wait a minute, considering the light sentences these guys get (if any), isn’t that exactly what we are saying through our court system? And if we as men are the ones “in charge” in this world, then this tragedy is entirely within our control, therefore we allow it to exist. That’s sick.
– Military rapes – replace court system with “military system” above, and same thing.

To me it shouldn’t be, “How do women prevent rape…” it should be “guys should have already stopped it.” It’s terrible for what these women have gone through, and have to continue going through.

Well, I think that’s what a lot of the posts and comments at DWR have been saying for quite a long time, but I’m very much in agreement with you on this matter. Rape culture is a double bind, because as a woman the perpetrator is always right within their exercise of power over a woman on some level, and the woman is always wrong. It’s why rape victims are punished, while rapists get away scot-free so often. And the problem with this logic is that a gender seen as the “weaker sex” is somehow responsible for the violence perpetrated against them is asinine. All it takes is reversing this statement, “If he hadn’t been wearing that / If he’d not been on that street so late / If he hadn’t been drunk / et cetera wouldn’t have gotten raped”, to reveal it’s counter-intuitive nature.