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Dec

6

How am I supposed to get any real work completed when there is so much slacking off that must be done? I mean, hell, there is shopping to do, forums and email to be read, and (most importantly) blogs to write. Dammit, there is even bubble wrap that must be popped. And don’t forget the on-line crosswords, jigsaw puzzles and – who’s the genius that implemented this? – sudoku. I also need to chat with my friends and Stumble! some. By the way, if you’re not stumbling, then you have no idea how to waste time.

As my co-workers will tell you, there are always cards to be played. One of our key requirements for new hires is that they can shuffle large decks of cards quickly.

The lunch wheel must be spun NOW. Eew, no not that place spin again! No, again! Deciding where to go for lunch can take a good half hour. And after lunch we’re heading over to the bookstore for some research – on novels and comics and craft magazines.

I must checkout the kitchen to make sure there is no new free candy or something. I need to get countless bottles of water and cups of coffee. I need to stand around the brewing coffee pot and shoot the shit with my friends. Oh and now I have to pee 20 times in a day because of all the coffee and water I just drank.

I’m sorry that I fell asleep in that meeting last week. I forgot my laptop so I could hide behind it and plan my next 5 vacations. It takes serious scheduling to get 5 weeks of vacation out of the 3 weeks I’m given. Now that’s time management!

I’ve got phone calls to make, evites to check, appointments to schedule and errands to run. There are TV shows to review, video games to play, parties to plan, and websites to write. And someone should really solve that Rubik’s cube, it’s been sitting unfinished for a couple of hours now.

Don’t go on vacation, because then I’ll have to deface your cube in some way, and that takes planning. Do you know how long it takes to collect enough post-it notes to cover your entire workspace? Coming up with an original idea is just too much work, better to just google it and steal someone else’s prank.

Whew, I’m tired. I think tomorrow I’ll work from home.

* If you’re my boss and you’re reading this. It’s all a joke. Really. Besides, don’t you have a meeting to go to or something?

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Dec

5

Do you remember all the horrible things you used to do to your siblings? I do. I used to get earwax on my finger and tell my brother it was candy. He would fall for it every. single. time. We also used to pin each other down by sitting on each other’s stomach and holding the arms down with our knees. Once you were pinned, the pinner would sing “I’m never gonna stop… I’m never gonna stop…”

When we got older the torture evolved into a much more sinister affair. We used to fold each other up in the sofa bed and then make the couch up like nothing had happened. Inevitably the muffled screaming from the cushions was a dead giveaway and the victim was soon freed. My dad used to actually help us lock each other in the trunk of a car. Granted, that had to take some amount of masochism, why else would you allow the trunk to be closed while you were in it?

Still later after I was in college, my two younger brothers kept at it. One day, the elder of the two placed an M-80 – that he had painstakingly constructed by scraping the gun powder out of about 94 million black cats – into the mailbox. Then he screamed at the top of his lungs for his brother, “You got some mail!” I’m not sure exactly why the younger of the two actually fell for it, or how the torturer actually timed it perfectly so that when the box was open, the bomb exploded.

I also came home from college one day to find my brothers in the street lighting a wad of black cats that they had stuffed into a hole bored in my cabbage patch kid’s head. Ahhh, the good old days.

Alexis is still an only child and Chris and I feel it is our duty to make sure that she is educated in proper torture techniques. Her education began with the ever popular “Your epidermis is showing.” We then moved on to the pinning and tickling game. And you already read about how my mother stuffs her in a sleeping bag and carries her around.

But you know what the best part about her “education” is? We can’t get in trouble for it. Cuz this time we’re the parents!!!!