New Strategy for Domestic Bliss

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes

Last year, an immigration officer in the UK found a cheap, creative way to get rid of his wife. He used his position to put her on a terrorist watch list while she was away on vacation in Pakistan. She was stuck there three years. Then, the immigration officer applied for a promotion, and, while vetting him for the new position, his superiors discovered what he had done.

While we find his behavior reprehensible, this does suggest a solution to the high crime rates in America while boosting the American economy. We call it our Club Penitentiary Program.

Recidivist criminals are a problem for all countries, and the US is no exception. You’ve heard of the “three strikes and you’re out” policy that some states have for their felons? We think the “out” part should be more literal. Let’s reward the tenacity of these outlaws by offering them all-expense-paid vacations to the Axis of Evil country of their choosing.

Our research indicates that, for the paltry sum of $1500/tourist, we can charter our own flight and transport these vacation-starved inmates in bulk. Here’s how it works.

As each of these fun-loving American tourists boards the bus at the penitentiary for the trip to the airport, his or her name will be added to the Dept. of Homeland Security terrorist database. This will prevent them from ever returning to the United States.

As they board the plane, our friendly Attica guards professional flight crews will dose them with strong sedatives. We know that sounds expensive, but no worries! We will recycle unused medications from nursing home patients who pass away leaving behind their unused pills.

We have not included a doctor or pharmacologist in the budget. However, we have hired a convicted crack dealer who was saved by religion just before his parole board meeting, and we believe he’ll get each traveler the right medication and dosage most of the time. In any event, we’ll make sure the passengers get what they need to be on their best behavior for the duration of the flight.

Here’s what a Club Pen jaunt to Korea would look like. Upon their arrival in Seoul, our South Korean allies will transfer the unconscious inmates excited tourists to North Korean bound buses. Each reveler will receive a hot, flat South Korean beer and the necessary South Korean documentation to become citizens of North Korea.

For enticement to accept the offer, we will give each traveler $500 cash to spend as he or she sees fit at his vacation destination. Also, in exchange for South Korea’s quiet assistance, we will reimburse that country $200/inmate.

If the South Koreans should refuse to cooperate, with one or two phone calls, we can get the Chinese to do it for half that. Although, with the Chinese option, we can’t guarantee the safe arrival of the travelers in North Korea.

We know what you’re thinking. Every responsible American’s first question is, “Where do we get the money for this outstanding program?”

Consider that the average annual cost for incarcerating a violent offender in the US is about $27k per year. Spending two or three grand to say Adios! to these rather interesting and adventurous folks would generate a savings of $25k per inmate the first year, alone. And just think what the taxpayers will save over the course of a life sentence!

This is win/win for everyone. Psychopaths get what they want, which is out of prison. Communities win by not having these violent offenders in their neighborhoods. The taxpayers win by realizing tremendous savings. South Korea wins by picking up sorely needed cash and finally enjoying the opportunity to do something for us for a change after years of suffering the humiliation of existing only at the grace of the American defense budget. And even the North Koreans win. Compared to the oligarchy that controls North Korea now, these new visitors will bring an infusion of cash and ideas, and a higher level of morality than their current leadership has ever demonstrated.

What politicians or other dangerous criminals would you nominate for a Club Pen gift certificate?

All the best to all of you for a week of staying off the watch list.

37 Comments

lynnkelleyauthor
on April 25, 2012 at 9:42 am

First, I’m glad that immigration in the UK finally got caught. Second, I like the way you think, Piper! This might work! 🙂

Thanks, Lynn. Perhaps you’d like to help us expand this project to European countries to assist them with their recidivist criminals. Sorry, but it would involve extensive travel to beautiful places like France, Spain, and Ireland.

Let’s see, $1500 vs the cost of clothing/feeding/housing for years, even decades?? Has the distinct ring of a no brainer…. Yet another reason for Bayard/Lamb 2012! And can Holmes be cloned, please, to be Secretary of Everything?

I love this idea. My greatest fear would be that the jerks would find a way to come back and bug us. An interesting thought (to me at least) would be the question of how many of these folks would resist being sent out of the US. I would bet they’d all kick and scream.

You must stay up nights thinking of neat stuff like this. I couldn’t imagine such a pure solution to a thorny problem. Since reformed crack dealers may backslide can I be put into consideration for the pharmicist postion. I think Thorazine would be a fine way to ensure that the passengers won’t experience any problems during the trip. About 1500 ml. would do nicely. As for nominees, can’t we add on the Death Row inmates we’ve warehoused all these years. A simple waiver of rights to appeal would cover any legal nicieties.

Lol. Actually, we are both night owls and do stay up at night making jokes about such things. We always have. The only difference now is that we’re writing it down….Great idea to add the Death Row inmates. We’ll get right on that. 🙂

Snooki could apply for the North Korean Joy Brigade. She would start a new reality TV show, North Korean style, called Jersey Joy Brigade. North Korea, however, would probably respond by its reaffirming its isolationism, thoroughly convinced no one outside of NK is worth talking to.

As for Australia, it wouldn’t hurt NK, Iran, or Iraq to become friendlier places to attract tourists. In fact, that would be good for all parties concerned, except for their rulers. Good to see you, Nigel. 🙂

I can see it now. “North Korea–The “Other” Australia. As for the campaign, we have not yet gone viral like we would have liked, so Piper is considering actually filling out the paperwork to be on the ballot. Thank you for asking. 🙂

Great stuff! I have a lot of people I’d add to this list, though, in the interest of being non-partisan, I’ll stick to “celebrities” like the Kartrashians. I have no idea why these people are famous or why every time they fart they’re on the Yahoo front page.

I can’t believe I missed this one! I bopped over from History Class with Holmes. Geesh! The things that man knows.

Can we please add the idiotic fertility doc who impregnated Octomom to the list? Send Octo with him and find a good home for those kids.

Pedophiles? They get only one strike–so long as the evidence is irrefutable. I’m okay with the death row inmates getting commutation (in both definitions of the word) to North Korean life sentences so long as (again) the evidence against them was DNA based and indisputable.

Whoop! Just turned this tongue-in-cheek into a serious post. Must be the post-factoid Holmes response.

You and Kristen are welcome to hop back on my site for a campaign stop anytime, Piper.