Spooky, isn't it

Freddy Shepherd's respect for the shirt-buying Toon Army - and their wives and girlfriends - has been questioned but 'Baron Greenback' has spent £87.5m in the last three seasons . . . with nothing to show for it

Craig Bellamy

'The unacceptable face of capitalism' joined Newcastle for £6m in 2001 and got in to all kinds of scrapes it would be impolite to mention

Lee Bowyer

See above

Fans turning sour

Newcastle got upset when Kieron Dyer fell out with the venerable Sir Bobby Robson over his refusal to play on the right

Sane goalkeepers

In a bizarre inversion of football's natural order, Shay Given is among the most conscientious and reliable members of the Newcastle team

When defenders go wrong

Titus Bramble crashed a few cars over the years, literally and metaphorically. After losing him to Wigan, the club quickly signed the monkish Joey Barton

Glenn Roeder

Roeder had the onerous task of keeping the unholy trinity of Freddy, his players and fans happy

Terrible in Europe

Got cuffed 6-2 in the last 16 of the Uefa Cup last term. The season before, they didn't make it out of the Intertoto Cup

The Chairman

'The Biscuit Baron' Eggert Magnusson, who seems to share Shepherd's indifference for football's little people. At least West Ham have not won anything for only 27 years, unlike Newcastle's 39

Craig Bellamy

The Hammers also love a flawed hero. Signed for £7.5m, a year after Liverpool paid £6m for him. Classic Newcastle-style business

Lee Bowyer

See above

Fans turning sour

West Ham fans booed Nigel Reo-Coker for a perceived lack of effort. Nigel responded by handing in a transfer request

Sane goalkeepers

Similarly, Robert Green belies the 'goalkeepers are all crazy' adage, and is one of the few players at Upton Park to talk sense

When defenders go wrong

In March an out-of-form Anton Ferdinand claimed to be with his sick grandmother in the Isle of Wight, while he was in South Carolina celebrating his birthday

Glenn Roeder

Experienced similar problems at Upton Park. Both clubs chewed him up and spat him out

Terrible in Europe

Equally Eurosceptic, West Ham waited seven years to get back, but lost in the first round of the Uefa Cup 4-0 to Palermo