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FBI gives up on D.B. Cooper

One of America’s most baffling crimes – that of a hijacker who jumped out of an airliner with a parachute and ransom money 45 years ago – looks set to remain an enigma.

Nothing was heard from the well-dressed, middle-aged man ever again.

The FBI said on Tuesday that after one of the longest, most exhaustive probes in its history, it will no longer actively investigate the case of the man who called himself Dan Cooper and became known as “DB Cooper.”

After looking at all credible leads, the FBI said enough was enough: resources spent on the Cooper case will be redirected to “focus on other investigative priorities”.

Mistaken identity can be a hassle. For instance, I look like Eric Rudolph, the abortion clinic bomber who hid in the woods of North Carolina for years. At the time, I traveled frequently to the region where he was last seen and my ‘friends’ constantly tried to get me to go hiking with them. The FBI had hidden cameras set up all over the woods and my buddies thought it would be a fun little prank. I *always* got pulled aside in airports and searched – hell, by now I know how the run the explosives residue spectrometer, I’ve been subjected to it so many times.