Monday, October 27, 2008

And while we’re talking about the pure rancidity of the New York Post, here’s a gorgeous item about going through celebrity garbage on the streets in Greenwich Village.

Apparently, some freak has been going through the garbage of Mary Louise Parker and they found a prescription and some other things. The opening line says it best:

CELEBRITIES who live in Greenwich Village may want to run out and buy paper shredders. Their garbage is being sifted through by creepy trash-trollers who want to bare their secrets.

How creepy indeed. Why, it’s downright intrusive and intolerable! Then the Post goes on to report as many of the secrets found by the garbage sifter as they can fit into one item including mention of a prescription held by Mary Louise Parker.

They also detail that she lives in a building near Washington Square Park in case you wanted to narrow it down and perhaps attend to her garbage yourself, and when Parker’s rep wouldn’t comment on the prescription, they went to various other unnamed sources who provided speculation over what the medication could be for. Thank GOD.

And that’s the appeal of the New York Post. It gives pro-American readers outrage and hypocritical creepy vicarious living at once. How fulfilling. [source]

Good old New York Post. They always come back to their base. Today they’re flogging a 7 year old interview given by Senator Obama where he says that the civil rights movement was victorious in some regards, but failed to create a "redistributive change" in its appeals to the Supreme Court, led at the time by Chief Justice Earl Warren. He suggested that such change should occur at the state legislature level, since the courts did not interpret the U.S. Constitution to permit such change.

Saying this allows them to flog the line “spread the wealth around” because "redistributive" is a word that links to the notion of redistribution of wealth which is the same as "spreading the wealth", a phrase that has been used by Senator John McCain to inspire fear in potential Obama voters by explaining that Obama’s tax agenda means higher taxes for regular people. Spreading the wealth around is apparently not the same as bailing out Wall Street and it’s not the same as the overall concept of paying tax in the first place. It’s different and frightening to both of those.

But, the great part is, while they’re busy energetically pointing out obscure links from 7 years ago to the bloated, inane charge that Obama is a socialist; a move designed to steer people towards John McCain, they’re not leaving support for Sarah Palin out either.

Elsewhere in the paper, on Page Six, there’s a meaningless item about how Marieclaire.com has run a short piece on “Lisa Ann - the 38DD-20-34 Palin-look-alike who stars in the porn quickie "Who's Nailin' Paylin?" What does Lisa Ann have to say? Well, not too much (surprisingly!) but she does speculate that Sarah Palin wears sexy lingerie underneath her politician’s outfits and that’s got to count for something.

"I think she probably feels in power by having something sexy on underneath . . . [She's] attractive, and she puts her sexiness out there."

And she may just be right. After all, a central component to Sarah Palin’s appeal is absolutely the fact that moose shooting hicks from rural Ass Rape, America want to screw her. She knows it and she plays it up. The winks and the nods to small town Americans are really just the icing on the sexualised, MILF cake. That and her wildly racist, homophobic, anti-intellectual take on life that a solid chunk of people take great comfort in.

Additionally, Lisa Ann goes on to explain, "I'm planning on giving [the video] to all of my pro-McCain friends for Christmas.". Isn’t that lovely? I mean, I can’t think of anything even vaguely more appropriate for Christmas morning with the young nieces and nephews than giving a group of people a film of you dressed as the first female vice presidential candidate having sex with a man dressed as a plumber. There would be nothing more delightful and calming. Excellent work on BOTH accounts Lisa Ann. Perhaps you should run for Congress. [source][source]

Friday, October 24, 2008

Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz is taking a leaf out of Pink’s book and is talking about things that don’t really mean anything but still hint at edginess. I’m Not Obsessed reports that Wentz decided to talk about psychiatric medication and tattoos, presumably because he has something to sell. There’s very little other reason he’d be specifically clamoring for attention right now – I mean, apart from the fact that he’s probably plagued with a certain soul crushing narcissism.

Two golden quotes:

"I think that medication has helped me at times in my life. I’ve needed to be on medication, it’s saved my life. But it’s definitely an over-medicated generation. Rather than having any kinds of conversations with anyone to solve our problems, we go and see what pill we can take to make it all go away."

Fair enough but what do you WANT, Pete Wentz? These comments don’t come out of thin air. There’s something you WANT, isn’t there?

Then, on the topic of his potential as a politician:

"I could never pursue a career in politics. I’ve been involved in far too many scandals. "My mom says ‘You have too many tattoos’. Yeah, too many scandals and too many tattoos. "Isn’t that an irony, though, now that so many of our generation have tattoos?”

Great – ok, so thanks for letting us know that you’d never go into politics. That’s one thing off the list of things I wanted to know. I’ll put that on my list that includes information from Pink about how she’s not an alcoholic. Cool.

It seems like every time Pete Wentz says anything it’s somehow linked to how he’s really edgy and essentially dark. As though we’d forgotten. I mean, sure he’s franchised his personality out to within an inch of its life and sure his wife is pregnant but that doesn’t mean his flat ironed self has grown out of being an edgy bass player who doesn’t care what anyone thinks at all. I mean, he was on psychiatric medication for Christ’s sake. That’s got to count for something. [source]

People has run a feature where they’ve interviewed Angelina Jolie about her life and what she’s doing and for the most part it’s a run of the mill “I want my multi cultural family to understand other cultures” etc. the part that is interesting about the piece is that she hints that she and Brad Pitt could get married at some point.

"Usually people fall in love and everything revolves around the ritual of marriage, children are an afterthought. We did everything backwards," says Jolie. "But sooner or later it will be the kids who ask us [to get married]. You know, they see films and start asking questions. Such as, 'Why are Shrek and Fiona married and you're not?' "

Apart from the fact that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt look great standing next to each other in the same way Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton did, one of the ways they manage to sustain a certain tension and excitement as far as visual concept products go is that they never quite provide the coda to the relationship by marrying.

Brad Pitt addressed the issue years ago by saying that he and Jolie would not get married until it was legal for gay people to get married which was widely seen as the perfect answer from a man who didn’t really want to get married. So, now, here we are again, talking about the subject.

If they actually got married, it would relieve that cultural tension that keeps everyone guessing and interested and that would lead to a major drop in their net worth as celebrities – after the buck’s night featuring the entire cast of Oceans Thirteen (only), the bachelorette party featuring Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston trapped on a desert island, the actual wedding, honeymoon and then maybe a month in check up on how the kids are coping with absolutely no difference in their daily lives.

Ultimately though, Brangelina getting married would be like letting the greyhound catch the mechanical rabbit. You’d just have to take that dog out and shoot it. Or, ok, actually, you’d give it to a loving family as a pet. If Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt actually got married they would give up a component of their celebrity power and the vast majority of gossip magazine readers in the US would have to be given to loving families as pets. That much we know for sure. [source]

Thursday, October 23, 2008

E! online reports that not only was Lindsay Lohan fired from her 6 episode stint on “Ugly Betty” after filming only 4 episodes, she is also being cut out the episodes she already shot and it’s because she was apparently “more interested in just playing herself, and that doesn't work on a show like this with such heightened reality."

Page Six went into details about how Lindsay Lohan smoked incessantly the entire time she was on set, that she wouldn’t go on set until America Ferrera was there, that she and her entourage destroyed a trailer to the extent that it had to be repainted.

When you cut through the hype you end up with Lindsay Lohan acting like a freak and derailing everything and then getting fired for it. That much seems clear.

My favourite part of this is the way, after all the shit has been flung about by everyone involved, the final statements from the Ugly Betty rep and Lohan’s rep are as follows:

Ferrera's rep would only say, "America is grateful to have had her on the show and thinks everyone should tune in to see how great the episodes are."Lohan's rep said, "Lindsay was scheduled for six episodes and is appearing in four but had a lovely time."

It’s always good to leave it nice at the end. No matter what. Smile through your surgery I always say. [source][source]

Isn’t that lovely? I know I’m not looking around the room to see if there are cameras filming everyone because this is really just Ashton Kutcher’s way of getting everyone back for not taking him seriously as an actor.However, while I thought the US was the only country in the world that would tolerate extreme hypocrisy and self negating politics during an election, imagine how much of a relief it was for me when I found out that Stefan Petzner (there he is above in what could easily have been his gay.com profile shot), the successor to Austria’s far-right leader Jörg Haider was dismissed yesterday after he revealed a “special” relationship “far beyond” friendship with his former mentor, the UK’s Times reports.

So, the basic, completely unsurprising rundown is this: 52 year old married Jorg Haider who was in a relationship with 27 year old Stefan Petzner, they headed up a political party that endorses anti-immigration, anti-European Union and hard core “traditional family values”. The two got in a fight at a book launch, Haider drove off, went to a gay club and drank copious amounts of alcohol with a bunch of male hookers and then crashed his car, killing himself. 27 year old Petzner was then installed as the party’s leader because that’s what it takes to lead a political party that is so clearly capable of holding dear values that are so clearly applicable to its member’s day to day lives. You just need to be fucking the boss and you get to run the party.The party became outraged by interviews Petzner gave where he talked about his love for Haider and they dismissed him as leader.

What a relief that America isn’t the only place where an almost comically self righteous conservative whose values offer no real insight into their actual life can become a political figure. Here I was thinking America was the laughing stock of the world. How ridiculous of me. [source][source]

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Ok, so here’s a photo of Jonathan Lipnicki. The kid from “”Jerry McGuire”. The very same. I was reading dlisted.com today and saw that it was his 18th birthday. I'm astonished. This is the same kid that says “ did you know that the human head weighs eight pounds?” Isn’t it interesting in Hollywood? One minute you’re a professional cute child and the next you could be doing seancody.com porn and you’re making everyone uncomfortable by suddenly both existing again and being hot. Jesus.

Rumours are still floating about the Barack Obama may appear on SNL on the weekend prior to the election. This time round it seems like maybe that could be a good idea. I mean, the effect that something like that has entirely ephemeral and meaningless in terms of what it indicates about a candidate but if Obama appears 3 days before the nation goes to the polls then that glowing tingling warmth that it will create could carry over to whatever people carry to the voting booths.

That’s the kind of nation this is. If Obama were to make everyone laugh and appear in front of a shining light that made him look like he had a halo then people would probably vote for him. The effect would only last for a few days at the most though. It might be better if they run it on the Sunday instead. Or maybe even the Monday. I wonder if SNL could, just for that week, be called “MNL” and be run the night before. Just to hit the America in the jugular.

Sarah Palin’s appearance just showed she was ok with being made fun of which is fine and helpful but ultimately it seems to pander to this fairly simplistic persona that she is hammering out. It’s almost satirical the extent to which she aggressively insists she is just like regular people and how much she values and respects small town, average people. There’s very little else to her besides snide, aggressive comments that pander to small town prejudices. So, she can laugh at herself. Great. Where’s the point?

I still don’t think Obama could trump the Palin appearance on SNL but if he must do it then a few days before election day is a good idea. Nothing earlier. [source]

Here’s the new music video for Lady Gaga’s single “Poker Face”. I feel like I’ve been dealing with Gaga for like a year now in the periphery of my mind. We ended up getting some connection to her through the radio show I do and have been playing her music for months, then she played at Daniel Nardicio’s birthday on Fire Island (for some reason I was going to say “wedding” but that wouldn’t have been right) where I met her and talked to her for a bit about Warhol. I told her it took me three listens before I got her original single “Just Dance” and she came back after half an hour and said, “Wait, three listens? Tell me the truth, I just want to hear the truth.”. I actually just meant I only realized the song was about getting drunk.

For a while, I was under the impression that her new album “The Fame” was going to drop on October 8 but now there are signs up all over Manhattan saying it’s now Oct 28. October 8 seemed like it was the party line.

I’ve read several interviews with Gaga and I’ve decided that while I totally get the music due in no small part, I’ll assume, to the fact that it’s produced to within an inch of its life and has been built to be unavoidable, I don’t get this glam hipster android character she’s invented. Britney was a Republican reluctant whore, Pink and Avril Lavigne were the anti-Spears, Aguilera based most of what she did on her voice actually and then morphed into different characters. They were all clear to me. It’s unclear to me what Gaga is meant to be.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The New York Post reports that Sean Penn is back in Venezuela and is apparently hanging out with Hugo Chavez again which gives the Post an opportunity to drag out the old “Sean Penn Loves Hugo Chavez” story. In fact, I’m hard pressed to think of more than one or two mentions that they have made of him that haven’t arbitrarily opted to call him a Chavez supporter/Socialist on some level. Still, Penn’s new film “Milk” is about to come out so now is as good a time as any to drum up some more political self righteousness in the press for the purposes of publicity. Especially when you consider the current political climate in the US.

So, now – perhaps just like Pink yesterday with her anecdote about wondering if she was an alcoholic but never actually being one at the same time as her album is about to drop – the old Sean Penn story gets drawn out and OH, look at that, Milk comes out on December 5. Well, I might just go and see that. [source]

Ok, so, the embed code for the above video is longer and more inanely complex than any other code I have ever seen but in many ways that doesn’t surprise me in the slightest seeing as what it is actually featuring is one of the most hyped and yet pointless, vapid TV show ideas currently threatening to take up time on a network schedule. After all, it's just a video clip but it demands more space and time and energy than anything else and yet delivers nothing more. Just like the show. The premise is that Whitney Port ie. Whitney from The Hills, has landed in New York City and has taken a job working for some PR firm or for a fashion company or something and she walks around the city being touted as a younger, more controlled, contrived and less edgy Carrie Bradshaw. Gee, what a breath of fresh air.

I was watching her swan about in clothes, talk to thin woman who walk the sidewalk like it’s a runway in that high school cheerleader LA vernacular about vocus and direction and seriousness and I was thinking, gee, what could possibly make this just the complete definition of insufferable? I wonder. So, my colonial angst set in and I though, “If they put some generic Australian alpha male with scruffy facial hair and a thick put-on accent model wannnabe in this as her potential date I will vomit my freaking guts out” and then all of a sudden, she’s sitting at a café table with some generic Australia alpha male with scruffy facial hair and a thick put-on accent male model who says “Oi can boiee your personuw Austrayan tewah goide” .

It’s like you could basically predict everything that is going to happen in this series now. Ok, I’m doing that now. I’m thinking about it but then my brain revolts from the task and just shuts down. My brain refuses to even go through the process. I really cannot, for the life of me, figure out what these shows give people. Well, that’s not true either. I think about it and it all flows down to banality and ego escapism and self loathing. This is why someone like Sarah Palin is a viable option. I keep saying that but it’s true.

Monday, October 20, 2008

With eight days to go until her new album, Funhouse, drops, it’s time for Pink to start drumming up some press and seeing as Britney is genuinely more insane and now together and productive than Pink has ever been, it’s difficult for her to go the old route of “I’m an anti-establishment punk rocker with complex hair and a boyish figure” to get the kids interested. Now, she’s been reduced to retroactive tales of alcoholism that was never technically alcoholism.

She is quoted as saying:

"I checked into Canyon Ranch in Tucson, Arizona, in the summer and I went to see a therapist, telling him I was an alcoholic. He asked me when I'd had my last drink and I couldn't remember - it had been a few weeks previously. I then read the AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) manual cover to cover and we talked. I realised I wasn't an alcoholic, just someone who likes to get drunk every now and again. I'm trying to work out if that's a bad thing."

Isn’t that great? She is not actually an alcoholic, she’s just trying to figure out if it’s ok to go out and get hammered every now and then. So, essentially, there’s no real story here at all…but then, if you think about it, there never really was a story with her anyway. This is just the more truthful version of Pink.

In the wake of Britney's nervous breakdown and return, poor Avril Lavigne has gone and had her husband appear to be cheating on her to get some press and maybe even, ultimately, some integrity. I mean, that’s called focus. Pink needs to take notes from her contemporary faux rocker, Avril. They should get together and put an act together where they just throw up on each other for ten minutes and then they go backstage and change clothes into a fresh copy of the outfit they were originally wearing – something from the angry, pierced, pseudo lesbians line at Urban Outfitters – so they can keep their stylist’s recommendations but not have to do the rest of the show covered in vomit. That’s my suggestion. It’s that or I watch a marathon of Skins on BBC America and eat a jar of lemon curd. Not sure why, it just is and I really want the former. [source]

MTV in the UK reports that Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s divorce has started to really gather some momentum. What that means is that the people who hang out with the two of them are probably being offered big money to spill dish on anything to do with the reality of the marriage.

Madonna is one of the most controlled people ever in the sense that everything she does is completely calculated and there is often very little room for spontaneity. Recently, though, she’s been letting herself slip with random statements like “In exactly 29 moves, the Queen will dump the King!” to an audience in New York and now Ritchie has been quoted, through a secondary source, as saying that making love to Madonna was like cuddling with a “piece of gristle”. Which it no doubt is. After all, she’s 50 and trying to live like 30 year old. The amount of gym work she must do is probably directly proportionate to the amount of panic she feels over being increasingly less in control of the inevitable decline of her body. Aren’t her breasts insured for a million dollars each?

Even though it would seem that Guy Ritchie has been emasculated because he is dating a hard core control freak feminist icon, what does he have to lose in dishing on her? He’s got money, he’s got no real reputation besides the few films he’s made and frankly, keeping the discussion about the breakdown of his marriage going can only really help the film he’s currently working on publicity wise. And yet, Madonna has spent her entire life making sure everything happens flawlessly. He could totally dish on her as a freaking contemporary Joan Crawford type and make a mint. He could make a film about her and Mira Sorvino could play Madonna. Alan Cumming said he was at a dinner party with Mira Sorvino and she said that some actress wouldn’t make it in the big time because she didn’t have what it takes to stay thin. Mira Sorvino sees herself as someone who has what it takes to stay adequately thin, however. That’s what she and Madonna probably have in common. Where is Mira Sorvino now anyway?

So, in short, while it’s tragic that they are divorcing, the divorce between Guy Ritchie and Madonna seems like it will prove to be an opportunity to see what Madonna is really like and so far we have the image of a sexless piece of “gristle”. Write that up on the chalk board under Madonna, please.[source]

Sarah Palin did appear on Saturday Night Live and it was successful entirely because she just showed up. Nothing else. She benefits from this because was just open to being the target of some essentially good natured satire and that is enough to make her more endeared to the American people.

The trouble with this for me is that I watched it and liked her but I like her because I’m a sucker for those hilarious TV specials where people turn up from other people’s shows and it’s like all these different universes collide in a moment of universal understanding. Farrah Fawcett walking into the Brady Bunch’s home because her car breaks down and everyone gets along. Although, the whole thing is sort of inane because Farrah Fawcett is still a celebrity but the Brady Bunch are still in character. Sort of like when Kath and Kim presented awards at the Logie Awards in Australia and Shawn Micaleff was the host and the first thing he did was ask them what they were doing there. Still, it’s a great metaphor for tolerance, collaboration and acceptable.

Apart from that fact that it’s likely that all the actors who appeared on SNL in relation to Palin will not be voting for her and they were the ones who created the television environment within which she was able to succeed, it seems unlikely that anyone from the Democratic ticket would be able to come back with anything that could match this effort from the GOP. Unless it was a walk on spot on 30 Rock for Joe Biden where he played himself. There would be too many meta narratives with that though and because it’s not live he’d be criticized for spending too much time trying to out do Palin and work on his image.

Ultimately though, Palin wins because of this. She got to do her high ranking wink and ridiculous forced optimist grin only this time she did it while left leaning elitists parodied her on a blandly appealing show. How could she not be loved more by people who require nothing more than an ephemeral sense of warmth in their groin from the person they are electing to office.

Also, kudos to Amy Poehler for basically just doing anything. She’s like 50 months pregnant and rapping flawlessly as Palin on TV.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Sarah Palin may very well be appearing on Saturday Night Live this weekend which is actually a great idea. SNL have been getting great mileage out of her recently and so her appearing on the show will just hammer the shit out of the one and a half points she exists to make ie. That’s she’s likeable because she’s just like the average person.

If she can take criticism from a rich, clever, leftist, New Yorker like Tina Fey then she’s even more on the side of the average Joe Sixpack and Hockey Mom and that will prop her up in all sorts of demographic groups across the country. After all, if she’s fabulous, funny and self deprecating then there’s no reason to wonder about her foreign policy experience.

The interesting thing about this ABC blog post that I’m using as a source here is that they quote Palin in a way that is clearly mocking her a la Ruby Wax. They include her considered use of “doggone it” twice.

Palin also says:

"But you know," she said, "I just want to be there to show Americans that we will rise above the political shots that we take because we're in this serious business for serious challenges that are facing the good American people right now. That's why we're campaigning hard. That's why we're working hard."

For Palin to say that is laughable. What has characterized the Republican party campaign so far is predictable, aggressive, gutter level emotion charged swipes that play on any and every prejudice found profitable and what makes Obama stand out – even perhaps more than he should as a junior senator – is his often surprising decision not to swipe on the same level as McCain. When Palin came into the race she was sent out as a programmed tank drumming up inane, ignorant, often violent and certainly issueless intolerance of her opponent. It’s almost like she could do it so that McCain could try and appear more civil. After all, civility seemed to be working for Obama.

Palin on SNL will be cute but it will completely subvert the election yet again from anything even remotely meaningful which, when you’re running on what the McCain/Palin ticket are running on is probably vital. Joan Didion wrote a great piece on salon.com about how this election was entirely about soundbytes and nothing else and that it played out as expected. Palin on SNL is just another “Lipstick on a Pig”, “Joe the Plumber”, “Spread the Wealth Around”, Bill Ayers... [source]

I have multiple deadlines and am under weird pressure and therefore I'm finding it difficult to get everything done and so blog posts this week are less than they should be. Regardless, Xavier Smith pointed out Janelle Monae to me and I thankfully listened to her. That managed to pluck me at least partially from the quagmire of inefficiency. This is “Many Moons”. She seems like blending of Outkast, Gwen Stefani, Grace Jones, and The Cocteau Twins. Maybe a little of "The Avengers" too. Sort of in the tradition of Lady Gaga’s high concept persona based pop even though I wouldn’t credit Gaga with having invented it or anything, really. I still don't quite get what Gaga is about. She's all so vague and "Fashion", "Fame", "internal", "external", multi-media metanarrative with three props and some severe hair. Monae seems like she’s got this delightful, 60s Mod brightness juxtaposed against a visceral involvement with the music.

Also, here’s new music by The Killers, “Human”.

I had their all their albums and the last one, Sam’s Town, despite all critical failure, inspired me to go to South America for some reason. I think because of the music video to “When You Were Young”. I was watching TV late at night with my boyfriend at the time, David, and it really amazed me. There was something attractive about the setting for that piece compared with New York’s hyper-urbanity. We went to Venezuela and on New Year’s Eve of 2006 I found myself isolated on an island located four hours into the Amazon jungle, and 15 minutes on a boat away from the shore, at the base of the Andes with no internet, no phone; alone with someone who wanted to kill me and I was never quite sure why. Maybe I won’t take any more cues from The Killers. This song seems geared toward being remixed for greater play in clubs. Whatever, something’s got to keep Brandon Flowers in coke and whores.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Rumours abounded months ago that Madonna and Guy Ritchie were divorcing but that it wouldn’t happen until after Madonna had finished her, at the time, pending tour. Now, it turns out, the couple are divorcing as soon as possible.

The general theme here is that Madonna seems to be slipping. Yesterday it was the fact that her moustache was evident even though she was at her own movie premiere, prior to that it was actual displays of likeable humanity with the self produced videos she made for Perez Hilton that showed her vacuuming up after a shoot. It became clear that the plan was to avoid divorce scrutiny until the tour had happened and it’s safe to assume that Madonna’s plans are, for the most part, carried out.

And yet, here we are.

Moustache, divorce rumour, funny videos, evident humanity.

This is really just one more example of how Madonna is increasingly not really in sync with who she thinks she is. Granted she’s never really put a foot wrong that ever resonated on a deep level for her but you can’t outsource substance forever and expect people not to notice.

I mean, I can even imagine that the divorce would be iron clad. In fact, its almost completely feasible that Madonna could go to New York, order her staff to get it sorted and she could return to London with the entire house re-arranged to retain no memory of Guy Ritchie, the divorce settlement could be complete and she could feasibly insist that no one ever mention him again.

In that sense, with that range of control, Madonna could quite easily become the new Joan Crawford. [source]

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Madonna’s new film, Filth and Wisdom premiered on the weekend and there are all these photos of her doing two things. One, she is wearing these high heel shoes where the heels are made of small guns and two, she has a barely visible moustache.It’s the second thing in that list that I find the most intriguing. At least, if you’re playing a game where you have two things and you have to choose which of the two is the most interesting. I’m fairly certain some people would not mind about the moustache but I’m not one of those people.

I actually don’t care if she has a moustache and goatee at all. She can exhibit whatever physical attributes she wants to and I actually expect her to. What I find interesting is the enormous response to it online and the fact that her film premiered and the coverage of it that I’ve seen is so much less than the coverage of her moustache.

It would seem to me that someone as savvy as Madonna would be atuned to things like this primarily because this is just the kind of thing that takes focus away from the film itself. Considering it was her film premiering, I would have thought she would step to it and make everything work. Apparently that’s not the case. Why didn’t she know that America wouldn’t be able to focus on her film if she had fuzz on her face? I can’t believe I just wrote that.

Consequently, here we are being forced to read about Madonna’s moustache and I still have no idea what kind of response people had to the movie. [source]

Academy Award winner Anna Paquin showed her breasts on True Blood, HBO’s new vampire series, over the weekend and, considering the hype it would generate, I just thought it was a waste. For some reason I’ve been watching True Blood, the new vampire show on HBO and it seems clear that it’s meant to be a reincarnation of what Buffy was in the nineties but it just isn’t. It’s not really anything. The premise is fine but the acting is shaky and it’s uneven.

Even Anna Paquin’s character is a little one note.

That’s why it’s a shame she went topless for this. There’s nothing really going on except for a whole list of no doubt contracted shots of Ryan Kwanten naked in every episode, some clichéd black characters and a bit of gimmicky social commentary. The whole time I was watching the last episode I sat there waiting to see why I was bothering and then, suddenly nothing happened. I still can’t figure out why I kept watching.

Marisa Tomei showed her breasts and laugh lines in The Wrestler, Darren Aronofsky’s new film and it made more sense. Aronofsky’s films are gritty and confronting and with “The Wrestler” the pieces fell in place for it to be considered “shameless Oscar bait” by the New York Times which I think it probably will end up being. It seems like the Academy has a hard time going past an opportunity to manifest a good old fashioned success story so it can keep the smoke and mirrors up. That’s what it did with Jennifer Hudson at the end of the day and that’s what it could potentially do with Mickey Rourke. In that sense, perhaps showing her breasts during the gritty, independent film reincarnation of Mickey Rourke was a respectable move made by Marisa Tomei.

For Academy Award winner Anna Paquinit’s not so admirable for her to bare all on 2008’s washed out, uneven, immature answer to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. [source]

Friday, October 10, 2008

James Franco, reports Jossip, has the most perfect face in the world and it’s been scientifically proven. There’s a computer program plastic surgeons use to figure out hat minor alterations people could make to their faces to make them more symmetrical or whatever, and the computer found nothing wrong with James Franco. I mean, his face. There are still those vague, inconclusive rape tendencies he may or may not have but at least his face is stunning.

Even here, on a Friday night, in the office near the Empire State Building, I can hear a soul crying out desperately for validation. I’m pretty sure it’s Zac Efron. Yes, I can hear the repressed woman in his wimpering. Poor Zac. All that cortisone and relentless throwing up so that your teeth are rotting can’t be good for you at the end of the day. That’s why James Franco came out on top. All he does is smoke pot and go to school to be a writer. You can’t really foster inner beauty in a genuinely marketable sense if you’re stuck in the bathroom all night trying to make sure your eye lashes are bent at the right angle and that zit is properly spackled over. No one wants to think about that.

Jesus, I’m fucking annoyed about this Flash drive. I bet it was one of those rancid delivery people. I bet they took it. It was sitting there, in the back of my laptop and it had a pretty blue light. Gosh, pretty blue = enough for a hit of crack and some shitty fucking fried chicken the next day. Why not just take it? Hell, if it’s in front of you that means it’s yours. Go for it. I’m bitter. Sue me. [source]

Now that his original cast of generic looking, anti-intellectual, LA whores have disbanded, Playboy mogul Hugh Hefner is shacking up with two 19 year old twins. Got to up the ante somehow and why not with some arbitrarily ignored incest? Look at the one on the left. She looks like her head was attacked by a fucking woodpecker. Not so identical now, are you girls? One of you has a stack of holes in your otherwise empty skull.

TMZ, however, is reporting that the twins he’s cast as his newest rent-a-holes have criminal records. What a joy this country is. Apparently, after work one night at the Wing House in Florida (let’s take a wild guess and assume that the Wing House is just a low(er) rent Hooters), the girls went out (I’d guess to the opening night party for La Traviata at the Florida State Opera), and one of them ended up smashing someone over the head with a beer bottle. Maybe they got into a fight in the interval about which one of them was more like Violetta. It’s ok girls, you’re both probably riddled with disease and you’ll both probably die early because of it or because you’ll walk into a wall one too many times while drunk on Alize or some other sugared up date rape alcoholic poison crap.

So, it’s sort of hard to pick apart which parts of the above paragraph are based in fact and which are just a product of my imagination but have a go. Suffice to say, there's a whole lot of irony involved. I’m certainly not interested in trying to write anything more than this.

My Flash drive backup of everything I’ve managed to collect and put together since my hard drive was stolen back in April or whenever it was, was stolen FROM MY OFFICE yesterday. Since then I’ve been mildly disillusioned with everything. Especially Hugh Hefner’s rancid whore girlfriends. [source]

The National Enquirer reports that Avril Lavigne’s husband, Deryck Whibley has been spotted out with another woman prompting rumours that he’s cheating on Lavigne.

Deryck Wibley is a member of that club of men who are husbands that sort of have a personality but don’t really and they are married to high maintenance women who are more or less successful, at least compared to them. Other members of this club include Guy Ritchie, Marc Anthony, Jordan Bratman, actually, Katie Holmes too (she’s an honorary member because Tom Cruise is such a freaking woman and she’s still more or less a teenager). K-Fed used to be a member of this club too.

The thing about Deryck is that in a lot of ways he was driven to drinking and cheating and any other kind of escapism because he’s actually been legally tied to Avril LAvigne for the past 2 years. I mean, that’s like being tied to the spoilt brat, perpetually teenaged equivalent of a mix between a washed out Debbie Harry and a box of high fructose corn syrup saturated breakfast cereal pellets manufactured by a massive corporation that has a corporate head office somewhere in an Industrial park that is surrounded by cement bordered pleasant lawns that no one walks on and bare, skinned back depressed saplings that haven’t had a chance to grow yet.

He deserves an award for stamina if nothing else. What the fuck would day to day life be like if you were married to Avril Lavigne? Jesus, you’d probably have to send her to her room for being appallingly behaved and she’d sulk in her room by playing S Club 7 really loud on her pink portable stereo and she’d write melodramatic, self involved poetry in her pink plastic diary that has an electronic lock on the front that could be broken open with one smash of your hair brush.

Avril Lavigne is officially pointless now anyway seeing as Britney Spears has successfully transcended the anti-thesis and the initial manifestation of her own original persona and is still making records. [source]

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

“It had a white-trash theme," says a guest who attended the bash at Simpson's parents' home in Encino. "Ashlee wore Daisy Dukes and platform flip-flops with a bathing suit and a fake tattoo around her belly."

The weird part about this is that if Jessica Simpson had had a birthday party like this, it either would have been sincere or her people (whoever they are at this point – maybe they’re some ma and pa operation who work out of a rickety store above the post office, next to the train station in Tennessee) would have considered it the right wing equivalent of what happened to the Dixie Chicks when they cursed President Bush and their fans revolted.

When you’re a faux emo rocker, everything is ironic. Ashlee couldn’t have done it alone though. She’s so synthetic that the only way she could have mustered up a workable sense of irony is with Pete Wentz along side her. Together, they make almost an entire emo rocker persona.

By the way, the menu included corn dogs, macaroni and cheese, chicken fingers and French fries. Can I just say it would take psychiatric medication to get me to believe that that wouldn’t have been the menu no matter what the freaking theme was? I mean, Pete Wentz was probably hard at work flat ironing the French fries and trying to color in the white plastic tablecloth black with his eyeliner but apart from that there’d be very little difference. Opera themed party? They’d serve corn dogs, macaroni and cheese, chicken fingers and French fries. Space theme? Corn dogs, macaroni and cheese, chicken fingers and French fries. A funeral? Corn dogs, macaroni and cheese, chicken fingers and French fries. What the fuck am I talking about? Oh, who am I kidding? I posted about Ashlee Simpson because it is an excuse to post this:

Following reports in the National Enquirer that Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant, TMZ reports that and “unimpeachable source” has stated that that simply isn’t the case. What a shame for her. After all, what the hell else is she going to do besides churn out kids that won’t make her look like a carbon copy of her sister and therefore less marketable because it’s all been done and done and done to death.

I would have thought that these doomed Republican kids like Bristol Palin, Levi Johnston, Jamie Lynn and Casey Aldridge who are forced into marriage and parenthood just because their parents or jobs demand that kind of white picket fence solution to unexpected teenaged pregnancy would do nothing else besides screw and get pregnant. I mean, all their choices have been taken away from them because of someone else’s greed so why not just keep on going as before?

Incidentally, I didn’t realize this but about a month ago Levi Johnston got the word “Bristol” tattooed on his ring finger. Wow, if that isn’t a symbol of the prison he’s just been shut in for the rest of his life, I’m not sure what the hell is. The GOP must be paying him off handsomely. I’d love to revisit Bristol and Levi in fifteen years and study them for a potential sequel to Tracy Letts’ play, August: Osage County. There is no way in hell that he won’t be a fat alcoholic whore patron who still plays video games on the Nintendo Wii – 76th edition which he bought with silence money from the GOP and she will just nag from the kitchen all day long. One kid on her hip and the one she’s carrying now could be played by Madeline Martin. Still. At that point Madeline Martin will have a problem with typecasting at that point but will still need to pay the bills.

Interestingly enough, Fox News just reported that there are rumours flying about that Casey Aldridge has been unfaithful. Casey Aldridge has responded by denying the allegations and Jamie Lynn Spears has mumbled a few essentially structured sentences together to respond as well:

And then there's Whitney Seals, who supposedly dated Casey. Says Jamie Lynn, "What happened was that one of those girls did it, and in this small town when one of them does it, they're all like, 'Good idea.' They all jumped on the bandwagon."

See, after all these Republican kids get finished polishing their sneakers and pretending to be celibate they are just bored out of their minds.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Variety reports that Fox is developing an American version of “Absolutely Fabulous” indicating that yes, there are no original ideas. Variety reports:

The latest attempt at a U.S. rendition of "Ab Fab" will be transplanted to L.A. but retain the basic template of the original, revolving around the friendship of two boozy, over-40 best friends who are desperate to stay hip and youthful and who carry on under the disapproving eye of Edina's teenage daughter, Saffy.

There have been two prior attempts at remaking this series. One by Roseanne Barr that never happened and then High Society in 1995 which didn’t work. I wonder what could possibly have happened since then that would suddenly make it possible for an American company to put together a remake of a totally nuanced, inherently English show. I can’t figure it out but if anyone can it’s Fox. Excellent. Fox is at the helm and that means everything should be a-ok. They didn’t fuck up The Simpsons but that’s probably almost entirely due to the fact that The Simpsons doesn’t actually get producer notes. Let’s think about that; the show works and has survived because Fox meddles less than it normally would.

America always has a hard time just watching the original English program. Actually, Americans invariably have a hard time watching any English program. I was watching “Skins” on BBC America last night for some reason, I honestly don’t know why, and they actually not only put in subtitles at various points so that American audiences will understand the accent, they also put in an explanation at the beginning of the show that explains why the subtitles are there and it’s spoken in an English accent. That makes it safe for American audiences to listen. The statement isn’t always the same but it always says something like “If you, like me, find it difficult to understand the English accent, then you’ll be happy to know that there are subtitles at challenging points throughout the following program.” Because, don’t worry – even the English can’t understand themselves. You’re just like everyone else. It’s always about coddling American audiences so they can be led through the experience of laughing at a joke without having to step outside their comfort zone.

Plus, Ab Fab is fundamentally dated. It was progressive when it started but the Edina character is completely generic now what with 13 years of a million shrill idiot women and gay men running about imitating her since the last episode first aired.

It’s sort of like Sex and the City is now. The ideas were funny when they were edgy but they’re not anymore. Now, the people it really resonates with are the kinds of people who never would have stuck by it in the very beginning ie. When it was just a column and book by Candace Bushnell.

Admittedly, Joanna Lumley’s Patsy is, on the other hand, not worn out. The basis for her character was a real darkness that potential imitators either didn’t really get or didn’t understand and so it hasn’t become a full cliché like Eddie has.

Brooding, pseudo-rebel, Ashlee Simpson took to the web to put to rest a few rumours about her that were apparently flying around. Apparently she doesn’t get botox and she doesn’t sleep with a ton of teddy bears. Who knew and also, shit, thank Christ we now know that for sure. She doesn't sleep with Teddy Bears and she doesn't get botox regularly. Great.

Here’s the secret thing, I don’t really give a shit about whether it’s true or not and honestly can’t even remember what she was even denying when I read it two minutes ago. If I try to envision her the main thing I think of is a petulant and needy, fake LA girl who has to keep her voice hoarse so it sounds like she goes out a lot and gets crazy. The part of this that interests me is that on the weekend I was part of interviewing a makeup artist who makes people up to look like celebrities whose website is here. He told me that I could be made up to look like Ashlee Simpson (I'm assuming post-nose job) and that was something I was not expecting to hear. All of a sudden I hate her less. That’s how fickle I have become. Apparently I share a facial structure with Ashlee Simpson. All of a sudden. [source]

The Daily Beast has run an interview piece with Jennifer Lopez and when asked about being a Scientologist, she denies actually being one but everything else she says would prompt you to believe that she is one. Here’s the basic rundown:

“I do know a lot about Scientology. And I know about the practices. I know all about what the technology is and all that kind of stuff. It’s very helpful. So in a sense, yeah, you do call on it.”“Do you consider yourself a Scientologist?”“No…I wouldn't have a problem saying [I was] because I know what it is. I have no problems with it and it really actually bothers me that people have such a negative feeling towards it.”“That it is too exotic? Too cultish?”“Just negative feelings.” “Would you consider schooling Emme and Max in a Scientology school?”“Yeah. I wouldn’t mind. Not at all. Because I know that the technologies that they have are very helpful…It’s all about communication. That’s the thing I really don’t like about talking about this. I do know so many great people who do do it, who choose it as a lifestyle and really follow it and it is their religion…I just wish that people wouldn’t judge it without knowing what it is.”

She is side stepping the issue like she’s being asked if she’s gay. It’s about tiptoeing a line between lying and avoiding conscious alignment with the mantle. Plus, the entire thing is about Tom Cruise – weirdly enough.

J Lo has to be a Scientologist to keep up with the industry and to remain in with key players like Tom Cruise - especially seeing as her ludicrous career is tanking faster than anything. However, the main thing that seems to stop famous Scientologists who haven’t already come out as Scientologists is the fact that it is unequivocally attached to the complete disassembly of Tom Cruise as a coherent, functioning, sane person. So, really - Tom Cruise is the Alpha and Tom Cruise is the Omega.

Alpha and Omega aside, Tom Cruise is also the patron saint of freaking insane behaviour on TV and the general public see a total link between his insane behaviour and Scientology. That would explain to me why people like Will Smith and J Lo won’t come out as Scientologists. Actually, we interviewed Taylor Dayne on the radio show I do and she refused to talk about it as well. It also explains why people like Leah Remini ARE Scientologists. After all, who the hell is she besides an actress on a completely pedestrian, predictable sit com? Her association with Scientology and J Lo, however, keeps her in the loop with any celebrity press that goes with it. No one else on "The King of Queens" is getting press.

One thing that remains in my mind is that it really must be hard for Will Smith at a Tom Cruise dinner party. All that phoned in smiling and ass kissing and playful fighting wouldn’t be the hardest part. When you’re Will Smith, the hardest part of a dinner party with Tom Cruise is when he takes you into the den (Posh and Jada go and compare shoe collections) and gives you the hard sell on coming out as a Scientologist. Smith still manages it though. He still manages to keep that friendship going while never quite committing to it whole heartedly.

After all, giving in entirely to Tom Cruise would put you where Katie Holmes is and Katie Holmes is one bad movie away from a secret pill addiction and drunken speech at a gala dinner where she outs her husband. [source]

Monday, October 06, 2008

Speaking of oblivious navel gazing Americans, the New York Post has run a blind item today:

WHICH boy-band member is going to shock his female fans when he comes out of the closet?

Ok, it’s Jonathan Knight from NKOTB. We all knew that straight up, right? But you know, my question here, even before we begin, is what female fans are really shocked at this point that men who get involved with boy bands turn out gay? I mean, sure there are a couple of them that aren’t gay like Danny Wood from New Kids on the Block who looks about as close to the archetype of a socially inept and violent bricklayer with faux connections to the Long Island mafia but I mean, Jesus, the whole thing is so exploitative of the fag hag dynamic.

Where else but a contingent of dancing gay men are you going to find people who look like they moisturize regularly, dress with a belt and shoes that match and come across as equal parts sexual, non threatening and available to 15 year old girls with next to no real understanding of their own burgeoning sexuality.

Plus, clearly it’s Jonathan Knight. Is there any real question about that? I think the shock among female fans only comes when the fans are women in their twenties. The reason they get shocked is because they’d have to be emotionally stunted to be pining after a pop star as if he was going to date them and so being in denial about the screamingly obvious falls in line with that. I mean, Clay Aiken for fuck’s sake. Plus, it’s Jonathan Knight for no other reason than when the New Kids went on The View and spoke with Elizabeth Hasselbeck, four of the five guys were able to talk about how they got married and had kids during the band’s time off and Jonathan just skipped the question. In fact, Hasselbeck went down the line of guys and skipped him physically. Plus, Perez Hilton reported it a month ago.

I’m less interested in Jonathan Knight’s sexuality and more interested in what social dynamic fosters women in their mid twenties and older to behave like 15 year olds. [source]

Here’s a video of the latest Sarah Palin sketch by Tina Fey and what makes it remarkable isn’t even the fact that the impressions are so realistic. It’s actually the fact that the writers don’t even have to deviate from the script of what really was said in the first place. Ratings reports suggest that more viewers have been tuning in to see Tina Fey than have been tuning in in years. That’s essentially because since many of the cast members from Fey’s era have left, the quality of the show has declined. It’s a delicate science. Still, election time is historically good for SNL. Dana Carvey’s impression of George HW Bush was as impacting the last election he ran in as any official campaign component. Same deal with Tina Fey and Sarah Palin.

I will say this though, while Andy Samberg is unfathomably cute, he’s not funny except for this sketch where he plays Mark Wahlberg. Admittedly, there’s no actual narrative to the sketch and also no inherent point but at least we know that Andy Samberg can actually do something besides completely suck and rely on his hair as a gimmick. I mean, his impression is genuinely accurate and he keeps it up the entire time. Good for him.

For the last week I’ve had no faith in America simply because Sarah Palin is still part of a campaign that isn’t exclusively about breakfast cereal or new uniforms for a team of hockey players under the age of 14. Imagine my delight when I read that Ali Lohan’s single flopped and that despite rumours to the contrary, Justin Timberlake’s manager, Johnny Wright is not only not at all interested in managing her but he’s not even interested in meeting her. Finally, some flicker of consciousness that makes me think that coherent critical thinking is a possibility among the ticket buying public – of which I am apparently suddenly not a member.

The New York Post reports that Wright released the following statement regarding Ali Lohan:

"Johnny Wright has never met with Ali Lohan, has never been introduced to Ali Lohan, nor has he had a meeting with Ali or Dina Lohan regarding Ali's music career. While he wishes Ali Lohan the best in all her endeavors, Mr. Wright has never had any intention of speaking with Ali Lohan regarding her career. Any story that has surfaced about such a meeting holds no merit and is completely false."Wright Entertainment Group has never had any interest or intention of adding Ali Lohan as an artist on the company's roster, which currently includes Justin Timberlake, Jonas Brothers, Janet Jackson and Ciara amongst others."

While Wright may have simply been responding to rumours that weren’t true, there’s a part of me that believes that he felt that being linked to Dina Lohan and her horrific Mama Rose antics was actually somewhat of a professional liability and so he immediately set the record straight.

Of course, let’s not forget how reassuring it is that Ali Lohan’s single flopped as well. I’m not sure what her appeal ever was seeing as she’s basically just a bland, smaller version of her sister minus any substance and she looks like a 40 year old woman. Still, the American ticket, CD and movie going public have a strange sense of what is culturally worthwhile so it doesn’t matter what I think, they’re still likely to want to suck shit through a straw and say “Mmm, delicious…more?”. Not when it comes to Ali though so, good for them. Now just let’s call it a day with Palin, yes? [source]

Friday, October 03, 2008

Here’s a video is of Cohen’s character, Bruno, at a fashion show in Europe trying to hand a model a note. See, here’s what I mean about Bruno. It’s the same old thing. It’s amazing how someone so aggressively subversive and so capable of sinking deep into a character and really seriously maintaining it can end up being slightly one-note. Still, yes, we haven’t seen the movie yet but it’s bound to be a series of sketches where he manages to convince people that he’s for real and as a result he captures them at their most honest and real and embarrassing. Then it’s funny for us because as well as seeing the sheer horror of how delusional and or oblivious other people are we get the reassurance that we aren’t that bad and can go back to our factory assembly lives.

Great.

I really think that the work of Sacha Baron Cohen is along the same lineage as Mr Bean and I never understood why Mr Bean was funny in the end. That’s what all this is about. I found him exhausting. I do love Rowan Atkinson but this kind of humiliation based physical comedy stuff that drags on is often tired.

Page Six reports that Anthony Bourdain described his ideal dinner party as being like this:

Chef Marco Pierre White and Keith Richards would be throwing something on the barbie in a back yard in Red Hook. Louise Brooks, the silent film actress, would be there, along with Ava Gardner, Orson Welles, [British spy] Kim Philby and the CIA director of counterintelligence.

There’s no real reason for this item to have been placed in today’s paper except that it’s a preview of whatever larger interview with him is about to appear in the Page Six magazine which I know everyone is going to be RUNNING out to buy.

That said, he’s surprisingly interesting. Louise Brooks? Who would have considered that the inspiration for Liza Minnelli’s personality to be on the dinner party invite wish list of a self indulgent loud mouthed tool like Anthony Bourdain?

I read his book “A Cook’s Tour” and it was great for a while, when he was really talking about the food and the travel elements of the story but by the time he got to the end 1/5 it descended into this self indulgent, performative love-in between him and all his colleagues where he described that it was ok for Gordon Ramsay to be a complete asshole because he’s so talented and that Jamie Oliver isn’t mature enough to warrant critical acclaim and everything was completely predictable because he spoke like a typical territorial, frightened straight man.

SO – what a delightful surprise that his dinner party list is so interesting. Anthony Bourdain – congratulations for not sucking. [source]

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Lauren Conrad….…there I go again, writing her name, what a disappointing experience…has a fashion line and it’s failing. What a surprise. No one wants to buy it, reports Page Six. They report:

"Kitson in Los Angeles has 12 bins of Lauren Conrad clothing sitting in the warehouse" which the store couldn't sell "even after a buy-one, get-one-free offer." Conrad's rep blames the overstock on a complete sell-out of the line and re-ordering of merchandise. Bloomingdale's had no comment.

Based on the fact that he or she is paid by Lauren Conrad, its understandable that her rep would blame an overstock but I would warrant a guess that Conrad’s lack of notable talent, her generic personality, the arbitrary way in which she was dragged up from being just another spoilt, self absorbed airhead daughter of a Republican who lives in LA to making her into the human focal point of an entire demographic who barely know how to wash themselves could have something to do with her failure to create fashion that is both genuinely worthy of being stocked in elite department stores around the country and that inspires people to actually purchase it.

For some reason I see a synthesis between Lauren Conrad and Sarah Palin. It could be because the debate is tonight and I get overwhelmed. This is similar to when I was really involved with The Tudors and suddenly I could see parallels between The Tudors and everything else. I wasn’t wrong in either situation but it is worth noting.

It’s disturbing me because Sarah Palin is the answer to the question “How much more cynical can we be after George Bush and is it possible to ruin the country even more as a result of American naïve narcissism?” [source]

People Magazine reports that Bianca Golden, the aspiring model from America’s Next Top Model went on the Tyra Banks Show and talked all about how she got into a fight with Nikky Blonsky, the actress who played the lead in the film Hairspray. The main thing she pointed out was that amid a whole mélange of other outbursts, at one point Nikky Blonsky kicked Golden’s mother in the vagina. She’s a vagina kicker is essentially what Golden is saying. Nikky Blonsky, underneath that relentless, facial tick inducing smile, is a vagina kicker.

First off, it’s hard to lose any argument on American entertainment television when you’re an aspiring model and your last name is Golden. Bianca has that working for her. Blonsky, on the other hand, has the gut wrenching ambition that comes from being a maniacally insecure, desperate fat girl who is ready at the get go to punch someone in the face to stay in the elevated position she has managed to climb to despite all realistic Los Angeles odds.

Honestly, I couldn’t care less about any of the culture and food starved attention whores on America’s Next Top Model but there’s something so utterly fake and freaky about Nikky Blonsky that I just don’t know what to do about it. She’s a vagina kicker for Christ’s sake. [source]

Here’s a five minute celebrity packed ad that attempts to use reverse psychology to get people to vote in America. If you watch it for thirty seconds every fifteen seconds or so after that you’ll naturally assume it will end but in actual fact it doesn’t. It doesn’t end for five minutes.

Five.

But the thing about this is that because it’s so full of actually famous people, as in people who are famous that you would know because they get regular work, in America it doesn’t matter. Viewers will sit there and watch and because the segment is made up of a lot of celebrities, one after the other, some of whom return – this is the massed, pop and political cultural equivalent of holding a fuzzy bee toy up in front of a puppy or a very small child for hours and hours.

Regardless of anything that could possibly be happening in the world right now and regardless of the fact that there is an election in one month, Americans apparently need to be convinced that climbing up off the couch to register and vote is worthwhile through reverse psychology because paying attention and understanding who they will vote for is so much harder than lying in a chemically sedated mass on the couch while The King of Queens entertains them by reproducing the banality of their own life on television except with more regular, strictly mandated laugh breaks.

Your average American needs a five minute ad. Well, actually, they either need a five minute ad or the director just couldn’t figure out which illuminati to cut seeing as each one is so perfect in their own way. Either way, with every passing second I’m more convinced that Sarah Palin will come out of this Vice Presidential debate unscathed. She will mumble out some clichéd covered lies and the nation will not like Joe Biden because he was suitably aggressive towards a woman and even though he has had thirty years of experience in politics and foreign policy, he didn’t make the fat moron sitting in a chair in Arkansas feel like he could see himself on TV so fat moron resents him as elite and votes for an idiot.

But then, why would you need anything remotely elite when you’re a racist, obese, diabetic, ill-educated, depressed, corn syrup fed, gun totin’, possum eating, rapist, cousin fucker? I mean, everything seems to be fine. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. In fact, that’s exactly the phrase what won the Liberal party the referendum in Australia a few years ago.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

I was casually reading Courtney Love’s blog when I came across this gem:

Thursday, September 25, 2008

feed the snake Current mood: bulliedummm yeah i have to feed the snake occasionally these fucking warped motherfuckers are so insane and its such a complicated Geordian knot as its been going on since 1998 and i havent had any defense, none, and it makes me sick, if im to be above the law then dont bother putting me thru fucking witch trials. you cant have a taxpaying high net person allowed to have this happen to a minor child and a possible dead hero of your s and what about me? well shove it. swollen and b ilous shove it, im off to make a fucking RECORD you authority figures bloody well deal with it im going to take a shower and write all night, and im tired to top it off.good fucking night.11:07 PM - 119 Comments - 166 Kudos - Add Comment -

This young heartthrob actor has many female admirers but he pays a high price for his good looks. He works out maniacally in the gym but can’t control his eating. He loves to eat in burger joints and in the fanciest restaurants so he’s cultivated a bad case of bulemia [sic]. But of course there are drawbacks. It’s destructive to his teeth and his breath isn’t exactly kissing sweet and his current relationship is suffering. But his body looks fantastic.

Who are they talking about? Everyone on gawker.com thinks it is Zac Efron and I like to think it is. After all, the difference between images like the one above and this information is so great that it’s almost like he could be a gay icon if he were a woman and 60. This is a great blind item too because it really brings together all the elements of what people get themselves immersed in in Hollywood so they can be everything the American movie going public demands.

He’s mad about working out because that makes his body enjoyable to look at but the crippling emotional need that boils beneath the surface – the highly unmarketable emotional darkness – works against that. Rather than confront it, it gets left un-examined and the star simply shovels food into his face to numb away the pain of realizing he’s just like everyone else. Still, it’s more important that he looks good than feels good. As long as he smiles and looks taut, it’ll be ok.

It’s also amazing to me that the relationship suffers. I guess it’s understandable that if zac Efron is too busy throwing up, working out and doing his hair he’s not attending to the publicity need of his contractual beard/wife. That hurts her career. God, he’s so fucking selfish.

Poor Zac Efron. He’s completely alone and totally ruined. In an emotional sense. Physically he looks great though so that’s something. [source]

Janet Jackson has now postponed two concerts due to illness. This is worse than I originally thought. She really must be regretting calling her concert tour “Rock Witchu”. I mean, the awkwardness I feel just having written it once today is enough to make me want to medicate with a nice can of cream cheese frosting. I can understand the kind of nausea she must be feeling now.

Still, what’s nice about this is that she too is like Heather Locklear. She has a water tight alibi. I’m guessing that this is how it worked out:

She suddenly realized that the title of her concert tour was ludicrous. She went into shock, regained full consciousness and became nauseous and was then rushed to hospital. The doctors examined her and said she was legitimately ill. She then felt a sense of calm because that illness was her totally legitimate reason for not being on stage in a show called Rock Witchu.

I have now written that twice and I feel like there’s something going on in my stomach. Granted, I haven’t eaten much today but I will say this: If I were to measure the level of nausea before saying it and the level after there was a definite increase.

Janet Jackson needs an escape route. I don’t know what she is going to do, these are powerful forces. [source]

TMZ reports that despite reports that she was driving erratically and was under the influence of drugs, Heather Locklear was set up by an ex-staffer from US Weekly. They report:

Jill Ishkanian, who allegedly hacked into Us Weekly's computer system to locate celebs after she left the mag, was following Locklear in the Montecito area. Ishkanian watched the actress go to a market. When Heather got in her car, Ishkanian called 911, even though the car wasn't even moving at the time.

Ishkanian is the only witness to Locklear’s alleged questionable driving.

See, Heather Locklear is now in one of my favourite positions. She has essentially got a water tight alibi and really didn’t do anything wrong at all and it’s clear that someone else is to blame for the entire thing. This is like one of those times where you turn up to class and you’re late because you had to see someone in the front office and when you get there, the entire class is in trouble for talking but because you weren’t there, you get off scott-free. There’s nothing like the legitimate, water tight alibi that helps your escape from danger. It’s one of my favourite things next to getting a black car to the airport for an international flight in the evening when it’s raining and ordering the lasagna at L’il Frankie’s in the East Village on a Thursday night.

Now, all Heather Locklear has to do is sit back and let the offers roll in. Plus, she can sue for damages, make some cute coin, and have something to do for a year while the case gets drawn out. Plus, Jill Ishkanian sounds like a mad bitch so whatever she does from now on is bound to be hilarious. [source]

About Me

Matt Phillp is an Australian writer who lives in the eye of the hurricane in Brooklyn, New York. He writes about people and the arbitrary nature of culture. Because the world is a complicated place. It's weird.