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Thursday, March 31, 2016

Discrimination in the workplace. I never thought this would be something I would run into. Discrimination against being gay maybe, but not for mental illness. I know back in January I said I was going to blog more again, but unfortunately I was set back. I miss the days where I had endless motivation but that seemed to die out back in 2012 when my marriage took a turn for the worst. I thrive off of taking my life experiences and turning them into something positive because, well, life isn't perfect. My divorce is almost final and for a moment I felt like everything was falling into place. Until I was physically attacked at work.

Now, I have worked in places where my physical being was at risk, for example I was Correctional Officer. However, as a CO I went through an academy that had me properly trained. I also had back up that would respond within seconds to any emergency. In my most recent line of work, it would take almost 30 minutes to an hour for any help to show. After the incident where I was hurt, my job never offered any type of help or workers comp. I noticed that I was very sensitive to situations but I tried to work through it. The incident happened in a public place and I started to notice that I could no longer go to public places alone or in general. I suffer from generalized anxiety as it is but I was feeling paralyzed or as if the walls were caving in on me. Even if I was just running to the store for milk. I thought maybe it was just the anxiety, until one night about a week after the incident my son was upset about something. He was yelling and I don't give in or interact when he behaves that way, so I told him we could talk later when he was calm. I left and then soon found myself crying on the kitchen floor of my ex-wife's apt, alone. I couldn't move. The tears kept flowing. I hadn't felt that way in almost 13 years. The thing is, is that I'm a survivor of child abuse and domestic violence. I've been through a lot of therapy, spiritual journeying and have taken the path of well-being to be who I am today. The day that I was punched in the face brought it all back.

It's not fair for myself but it's not fair for my family either. I've had to miss work and my family has had to see me cry and disappear into my room. I have been seeing a psychologist since Feb and we found that I am suffering from PTSD from reoccurring trauma. At first I was trying to just work through it. I have a family to feed and take care of but it got to the point where a 6 hour day felt like forever. I was living minute by minute. Then one day there was a situation (at work) where a wall was punched and it sent me into an episode. I told my supervisors what was happening and they sent me home. They took me off the schedule and stopped communicating with me. I was blown away. They had put me with some of the hardest people to work with, treated me like family, and the moment I was found "defective" because of PTSD, they threw me away like I was nothing. All of that just added more stress to my current situation. They went as far as sending me a letter of reasons why they could fire me which was filled of lies. Mind you I was never written up, nor did I ever sign any forms stating I was getting a verbal warning or a write up. In fact, it was the opposite. I was always being told "thank you" and that I rocked.

I know most of you reading this are screaming "lawsuit," but I couldn't even get out of bed at that point. I contacted a lawyer and he said I have a lawsuit, but he wasn't very supportive. To be honest, I don't know where to take it from here. The good news is that I found new employment! It will be nice working in an office again and not worrying about someone punching me in the face out of no where. I have to say that this experience has left such a bad taste in my mouth that I was almost afraid to look for another job. These people were so awesome and I really loved my job, yet they were so quick to turn on me. I was just a pawn in their game to make money. It's sad. I thought I was making a difference but you can't make a difference if everyone else around you is just in it to get paid.

As far as my emotional and mental status goes currently, I'm on the mend. The anxiety attacks are much less frequent. My friends and family are so loving and supportive. I don't know what I would do without them.

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