Sunday, 31 March 2013

Lionel Messi scored a goal on Saturday to become the first player to score in 19 La Liga games in a row, against all of the opposition teams. He's like that cheat at the start of Sonic 1

If you hit up c down c left c right c a b c and start, then you get an option menu where you get to play the same game that everyone else does but with god like powers. You can move platforms around and choose to listen to the in game music whenever you like and you get to be friends with Iniesta and go around Tesco together doing a big shop so that you don't have to keep going back all the time during the week. Men in Black 2 on DVD for £3? Why not? Oh wait he probably has netflix. Is that on Netflix? What are we talking about again? Oh yeh, Sonic 1 is great

Robin van Persie is really annoyed that he has to play lots of games of football consecutively within a short period of time, which is understandable because his job is play lots of games of football consecutively within a short period of time. For butt loads of cash

Man United have to play two games within 48 hours and the Dutch striker said this about it:

"People have to realise they can't expect a great game of football because it is not possible."

Uhhhh whatever man. I played two games of 5-a-side last week on Monday and then Tuesday and I somehow managed it. In fact on the Tuesday I'm pretty sure I got an 8 kill streak on MW3 so if anything I should be getting paid the big bucks. I should add that to my CV actually

The Bundesliga was pretty awesome until last year when Borussia Dortmund went and ruined it by winning stuff. That was the equivalent of hitting a wasps nest with a stick and Bayern went all out to destroy everyone this year, doing so well that goalkeeper Manuel Neuer is actually bored most of the time. Next season Pep Guardiola gets to spend about £300million to improve them as well so I don't really know what the point in even having the competition is. It's like if I was asked to enter a handsome man competition and they gave me sunglasses. I would look so cool

Sunderland decided to fire Martin O'Neill this weekend after yet another defeat for the club, and that's a great idea because now they'll definitely get relegated.

I actually really like Martin O'Neill but I'm going to be very careful what I say here because he doesn't like bad things being said about him on the internet. As in he takes those people to court. Anyway, I remember the days when he was just a happy, bouncy young manager at Leicester, slowly creating the monster that was Emile Heskey and unleashing him unto the world. Then he won loads of trophies at Celtic so he clearly knows what he's doing. Then again, winning trophies with Celtic is like winning a twix in a vending machine. Even if the thing gets stuck on the rail you just put in more money and buy the one behind it instead

Saturday, 30 March 2013

Uefa president Michel Platini has announced that goal-line technology is totally over-rated and also too expensive. Like mini eggs.

I don't know what this guy has against technology but it's starting to get on my tits. He said this:

"It would cost around 54 million euros (£46m) over five years for this technology, so it's quite expensive for the sort of mistake which happens once every 40 years,"

Yeh or what they could do is just give a referee an iPad and he could watch the TV replays? Or maybe they could just sort of rewind the live feed on the massive screens in the stadium and watch it there? Or maybe all of the guys in the gallery, editing the live footage could do it with a referee. How come every other sport has done this?

"I prefer to put more money into youth football and infrastructure than spend it on technology when there's a goal in a blue moon that hasn't been seen by a referee,"

Pffffft that's such a good two shoes answer. You can't really get around that because it makes sense. It's like when you get asked to play a gig and you say 'Yeh definitely - how much do I get paid?' and then they say 'oh it's for charity' and then you say 'oh I'm uhhhh busy' and they say 'you don't when it is yet' and then you say 'OH MY GOD LOOK BEHIND YOU!' because there IS AN ENORMOUS ROBOT RAARHARHHHGAAHRHGHHGHG

Do you remember last week when all those boring international matches were on? Some England fans sang a song about burning both of the Ferdinand's on a bonfire and that is racist because they are black

Some have argued that this charming ditty is racist, others are unsure. Let's see what you think:

Build a bonfire, build a bonfire

Put Rio on the top

Put Anton in the middle

Then burn the f****** lot

Now I'm no scientist but I have detected subtle undertones of racism here. Had the song been about some white guy like Stewart Downing people would just be like "oh that's just a lovely song about burning another human to death - what japes ho ho ho" but because Anton had that whole 'JT is racist' court case, the whole thing takes an unpleasant subtext. Had the song been about burning Frank Lampard then it would have been a nice song, because it would be about how he could power a small village for several years.

Thursday, 28 March 2013

Abou Diaby could probably have been one of the great world midfielders had it not been for the fact that his body has the same ability to handle professional football as a jelly baby. He's now out for another nine months.

The Arsenal and France midfielder managed to tear his anterior cruciate ligament (IT'S THE ONE IN YOUR KNEE) in training yesterday and now faces nine months out of the game. Again. Here's a list of other times he's been injured

I wouldn't bother reading that but I can summarise it for you. He's been injured a lot. As in Owen Hargreaves turns up to his house for inspiration for his blues album

Sometimes news is so boring that it gives you the same level of interest as when your friends tell you how lonely they are on Facebook. Nigel Adkins is in charge at Reading now. See?

The former Southampton boss has already found work at another Premiership club and will take his turn in charge at Reading on the manager merry-go-round that seems to exist now. So another team at roughly the same level as yours fires their manager because he's not good enough, and you decide to hire him to replace the manager who was at the same level but wasn't good enough? This sounds like all those little groups at school who used to fuck each other for like 6 months each and then they all grew up and weren't hot anymore and you feel glad that you were too weird to be friends with them at school.

Paul Ince has decided that managers aren't getting a fair deal when it comes to being fired for being terrible, and has called for a transfer window for managers to be installed post-haste!

The current Blackpool boss was famously binned by Blackburn Rovers after failing to make them win stuff. He feels that this just isn't fair, dammit!

There needs to be some legislation where there's protection for managers," added the former England captain. "It needs to work both ways - not just for managers to get sacked, but for managers who want to leave.

"You look at Michael Appleton - he's a young English manager coming into the game. To lose your job after 67 days is ridiculous. We're not getting any time.

"We've got St George's Park and this great training facility, which are all about bringing young English coaches through, but where's the protection for them if they're getting sacked after 67 days?"

Well I dunno Paul but that's why you don't take the job at Blackburn Rovers when there's a bunch of dudes who murder birds for a living in charge. Harold Shipman would have been a better chairman. Or something

Man City's only good midfielder, Yaya Toure, is so committed to helping his club become one of the world's greats that he is "willing" to stay for a like, wow a few months or something?

The Ivorian player doesn't seem to be arsed with trying to help a bunch of people like Gareth Barry finish 2nd this season and will review his options in the summer when some interesting clubs can buy him.

I am, for the moment, a City player, and I will fight so that we finish the season in good conditions.

"In a club, there are players and administrators. We are like soldiers and we carry out what employers say.

"The most important thing for me is to continue to have fun and to entertain the public."

And I suppose in that way, me and Yaya aren't too different. All I wanted to with FitbaThatba was to have fun and entertain the public and now I've done that, well why should I keep going on? I mean the biggest difference is probably that Yaya Toure is rich and I was just delighted to find a yoghurt that wasn't sentient inside my fridge this morning. Other than that we're like two peas in a pod.

Crazy Italian black person, Mario Balotelli, has revealed that the reason behind his recent form at AC Milan is because he has fallen in love with his girlfriend, Fanny Neguesha. Wait, what did you think I meant?

The former Man City player has suddenly started playing like the striker we all thought he could be since his recent move to the San Siro. While speaking about his love of Fanny, he said:

“She is determined, confident and generous. In a short space of time she found herself in sync with me. I could spend my whole life with someone like this. Thanks to Fanny I have rediscovered the balance that I need in my work.

Aww that's nice. That last sentence is also something I tend to say a lot after about like five beers. There's no real jokes to be made here because he's made most of them for me accidentally so let's move on to something serious. The London Evening Standard said that when asked about whether he has even seen his daughter, who was born quite recently, Balotelli said this:

[his ex] claims Balotelli has not seen Pia since she was born in December and he said: “If it has happened so far, it is not my fault.

“I am not a nasty person. In fact, at times I am too naively good-natured. I would like to meet her and really hope she is my daughter.”

Yeh I bet he does. I bet he hopes she's his daughter in the same way that I hope my work doesn't realise I haven't turned up for like five days now. If they do then I'll have to deal with it, but if they don't then I've been able to get pissed for four days in a row without having to worry about any children. Except for *that* night. Children can't read number plates while they're rolling down a ravine, right?

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

If there's one thing footballers should always do it's get involved in international politics and that's why Cristiano Ronaldo has been trying to free Palestine by not swapping shirts with Israel players.

That is photoshopped btw. I know you probably figured that out but just incase you hadn't I thought I'd make it more obvious.

Anyway, the Real Madrid forward auctioned off one of his boots the other day to raise money for children of Palestine and after the Portugal v Israel game the other night, he refused to swap shirts with an opposition player. SCANDAL!

It could have been because he wanted to keep his lovely shirt but really it is because he wants to rid the world of evil! Everytime I try and learn about this whole Israel/Palestine thing I get bored and don't really understand it anyway so I'm just going to assume that Israel is bad. I feel like this is the safest way to look cool amongst my peers and I use the same method for my beliefs on controversial subjects every day.

Also if you think about things like political ideologies in a good vs bad way, it makes the Israel situation seem a lot like an episode of Power Rangers and hopefully that way some giant robot dinosaurs will appear and blow everything up. It's what Palestine have been fighting for this whole time.

Last night saw all of the home nations try and win some points in their world cup qualifying groups, and none of them did. England got a point but that doesn't count.

Scotland were absolutely dreadful again and apart from an offside goal that Steven Naismith got, they deserved to lose 2-0 to Serbia. Serbia is famous for two things: being cold and war

They're also famous for siberian tigers and Slobodan Milosevic, so how come Scotland couldn't beat them? Because they're pish. Gordon Strachan said:

"It's not a quick-fix to get as strong and as technically gifted as that, that's for sure," Strachan said.

"It was heavy going and I thought technically they were a right good side and physically they were stronger than us, so that gave us a problem."

If you had to train in the snow everyday, surrounded by tigers and Slobodan Milosevic, you'd probably develop an excellent first touch and understanding of the game too. Scottish independence might finally give us the insane tyrannical ruling we need to compete for third place in World Cup qualifying groups. SOLD!

Meanwhile, in Montenegro, England stuttered to a measly point despite having a team of famous people to choose from. Everyone has heard of Steven Gerrard but still they couldn't overcome a team from a place that if you asked me to draw it on a map I would draw a penis instead and say 'I don't know where that place is'. Montenegro spent all week winding up the England players and it worked. 1-1

Gareth Bale lost to Croatia despite taking the lead with a penalty. It's not really surprising but despite the loss, at least Scotland made Wales look so good the other night that Chris Coleman will get to keep his job.

Northern Ireland probably lost - I'm not even going to check that one.

Monday, 25 March 2013

Aberdeen are hosting a press conference at 12.30 today to announce Derek McInnes as the next TOP DOG at Pittodrie. Am I underwhelmed? Let's find out!

I wanted to go to the press conference (I can do that now btw) but I'm going to Edinburgh to get drunk at the zoo instead (I can do that now btw). I expect they'll say 'well Derek how come you got fired for making Bristol so awful' and he will say 'Bristol is full of people who sound like pirates and it was HAAAAAAARRGGGGHHHHHD'

PIRATE JOKE

Oh look it's Gary Naysmith, at a press conference. See I wasn't lying. Pa Broon, 312 years old tomorrow, has said that he will step down early if the club manag to find a replacement so I don't know what's going to happen with that really.

In my head what happens is that McInnes wanders through the swamp of Aberdeen until he meets Brown, who invites him back to his little hut where he feeds him some weird food. There he warns McInnes of the dark side of the town, like Espionage and how he must never go there.

McInnes does some training, goes off to meet his team mates and then has sex with his sister, hangs out with a bunch of giant, sentient furbies and when it appears Aberdeen won't reach Europe for another season in a row, he will return to the little hut where Brown is. There old Pa Broon will say 'there is another sky....... w w w w television deal, make sure the rights are distributed evenly and those hun bastards get none of it' and then he dies and turns into a ghost that hangs out with the crocodile, Anakin Skywalker and Bill Cosby

And that's everything you need to know about Star Wars. The weirdest thing about this whole press conference is that Julie Bowen looked like this

She was 26 then. WTF is that about? Because now she's 43, she looks like this

Slam city.

And that's all I have to say about Derek McInnes today. May God have mercy on us all

Montenegro are going to try and beat England tomorrow night in a world cup qualifier. Their plan is to annoy Wayne Rooney and that may sound simple, but it also sounds delicious

The last time Rooney played against Montenegro he got so angry about nothing that he kicked someone, was sent off and then missed the first two games of the Euro 2012 games. Remember when he wrote that letter?

Ahhhh the days when I made things that went viral. Whatever happened to that promise and talent that I once showed? I'm not sure but it appears not to be working very well anymore, a little bit like England and Wayne Rooney. DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE rooney is very easy to annoy because he has the brain of a baboon, the head of a baboon and the body...... of a fat guy who has eaten a baboon.

The greatest achievement of Wayne Rooney's career won't be winning the Champs League or Premier League titles - oh no. If he doesn't end up orbiting our solar system as his body finally gives in to the temptation of Greggs and the lack of a professional athlete's exercise program, that will be the true success story.

Striker that everyone pretends to know lots about, Edinson Cavani, has said that playing in England would be 'totally cool man' so that means he'll sign for....... Man City. I have decided.

Because I don't want watch Italian football, I have no idea if this dude is actually any good or not, other than that he always scores hat tricks against me in FM, and that he has a good rating in FIFA. I'm also pretty sure most other people make their assumption that he's a great player from playing these games because the blurred line between reality and computer game is becoming more and more relevant. Why only the other day I tried to actually do a mission on GTA rather than just blowing up stuff because I needed money to buy something.

I'm a bit late with this, but instead of doing any work on this site over the weekend I decided to get drunk instead and have some fun. A lot like the Scotland team, who were terrible against Wales.

Sort of but not really hot, singer-songwriter Amy McDonald gave us all a hint of what was to come by trying to get really emotional for one line of the national anthem, and then completely forgetting the words to the next bit. It was really funny and equally as shambolic as what followed. You can watch her national anthem attempt on our facebook page. It's funny.

Wales pressed Scotland into their own penalty box for the first half an hour, somehow managing not to score, until Grant Hanley managed to header a ball into the Wales net. I can't find any photos of this guy where he doesn't look he has brain damage

After using his retard strength to give Scotland the lead, Robert Snodgrass made sure that he did his very best to get sent off by doing one of those slide tackles you don't need to make in FIFA and then the ball just floats in the box and suddenly it's a penalty and you're like 'say whaaaaaaat' and then they show the replay and you think 'SNODGRASS YOU USELESS CUNT'. Then he gets sent off and you stop playing FIFA because it's a stupid game that cheats you.

Jose Mourinho has been dropping mad riddles everywhere about what his next management job will be and it turns out that it's Chelsea again.

The current Real Madrid boss is not very popular with fans of the club because Real are about 90 points behind Barcelona and in danger of finishing third in La Liga. For a league with only two teams, this is quite an achievement but that doesn't mean Mourinho isn't still super cool and powerful. He said:

"It's not easy to find a new destination. It could be a destination where I've coached before. There are things that may be about to happen no-one could imagine."

In a way, management is a lot like people trying to have sex. Sure, you could go out and meet some new people, do a bit of flirting, go on dates and then bang them but that's really time consuming and besides, you already have a kebab in one hand and your ex's sister's number dialled on your phone. It's not even really a decision you have to make

Friday, 22 March 2013

Fernando Torres might be terrible at football now but don't let that stop you from thinking he's terrible at football! Reputation is everything, and that's what Tottenham Hotspurs intend to buy in the Summer! .Juicy

The Chelsea player has famously failed to recapture any of the form that made Roman Abramovich spend £50million on him and it's a real shame. I think deep down we all want Fernando to be good again because it's not even funny to watch how depressed he looks on a football pitch these days. He even shaved his head incase that somehow helped but it hasn't. Luckily for him, genius tactician AVB has spied some potential in those there Spanish legs

Abramovich must be really pissed off. £50million? Imagine how many tits you could see for that. According to what most girls tell me probably about 10. Wow rich people must have such a fun life

Michael Owen's decision to retire has absolutely nothing to do with his ability to get injured in almost any situation, but has everything to do with the fact that Stoke won't play him because he's shit. and injured.

Ahhh I remember the days when Owen was just a spritely 17 year old, absolutely raping Newcastle's back four and then scoring one of the most ace goals ever against Argentina. Sadly he isn't really remembered for being one of Europe's most deadly strikers because he's spent most of his career being fixed. So many fond memories, but always in need of repair. Sort of like that Citroen Saxo I used to have except I don't think Owen's ever helped me have sex in the middle of a field or escape an angry pimp

Attempted murder survivor, Massadio Haidara has been busy making sure that all of the newspapers know who he is this week as he faces a long road to recovery. It might even be weeks

Even people who don't like football have all seen this challenge so let's not dwell on it too much. Haidara doesn't want you to forget though and he's super mad that McManaman hasn't been sent to space jail:

He could have ended my career and ruined my whole life and he will play again before me. Ridiculous.

Well that sounds like a grudge fight if ever I've heard one. If in the next Newcastle match the lights all go out, don't worry - Haidara is about to walk out with some fireworks and smoke and challenge McManaman to a cage match. Then Steven Taylor will fight Steven Taylor to death in the bathroom because 'that guy looked at me really strange'.

Incase you don't get that joke I'm implying that he saw himself in the mirror

West Ham United got some good news today as the government announced it would plow about £25million of investment into the Olympic stadium to make it a football stadium. Somehow that means West Ham get it wat

Adapting the stadium could cost something like £150million and I'm sort of confused because isn't this thing quite new? Why couldn't they build the fucking thing so they could easily just change it later? They didn't even put a roof on it, so now a team has to go in and completely change the building so that seats are removed and it has a ceiling thing

This whole thing seems pretty hard work and now is the time that I quote someone with something to do with this story. David Gold should do, since he owns the club:

We will only go there if it is fit for use. I won't go there if I have to look over a running track. But I believe we are in a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Let's face it - they've built a stadium, albeit the wrong shape and size

If you take away the sentence 'lets face it - they've built a stadium' you'll have a copy of my exact internal monologue from when that stripper invited me back to her house last week

Gareth Bale has some sort of virus and that might keep him from playing in tonight's CRUCIAL world cup qualifying match against Scotland. FREEEEDOMM!!!!!

The majestic apes, as he's known to close friends, had to travel separately from the rest of the Wales squad, prompting rumours that he couldn't actually be arsed playing a largely pointless match in the snow in a shit part of Glasgow. Those have turned out not to be true and he might play. You can pretend all you like that the only real reason to watch tonight's game isn't to see what cool stuff G Bale does, but you'd be lying. It's like pretending you're watching porn to find out what happens to that poor girl's broken fridge. Since when are teachers also plumbers?

Wise old Pa Broon decided to retire at the end of the season so he can become a professional shagger and that has left Aberdeen with a gaping hole they need to fill. A manager shaped hole. Step in Derek McInnes!

The former St Johnstone manager was recently fired from Bristol City for achieving a club record seven successive defeats, leaving them completely fucked at the bottom of the Championship table. It is credentials like these that have made him the Dons' first choice after a rumoured bid to steal Derek Adams from Ross County failed. How wonderful!

There's just something so romantic about going with someone who isn't even your first choice and that absolutely no-one will talk to you about afterwards. Especially if it's 2am and you're in Dundee. What is this? Sea World?!

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

Pepe Reina is a great goalkeeper, he's even better than Brad Jones - but what is he like as an actor? Let's find out.

That's a screen grab I have taken from the short film "Invictus". Wait, isn't there already a film called Invictus? If I remember correctly, it was one of the shittest films I have ever seen. Morgan Freeman played Nelson Mandela and thought, "well I kind of look like him and I'm old, so there's no point even trying to do the accent or act, because I'm Morgan Freeman." That film was so bad, I'm actually angry thinking about that time I will never get back.

Back to the Pepe Reina, Invictus. I think you can watch it here -

I had no idea what the fuck they were saying, so I just made up my own story.

The film starts with Pepe waking up after a really heavy night out. Still in his fancy dress outfit from the night before, he wakes up on horse that he has somehow managed to acquire from somewhere. In desperate need of a Subway, he follows the only road into town. There he comes across some unemployed Everton fans. Being courteous he gives them a wave, they respond by throwing stones at him.

Eventually he arrives home to find his Dad is really pissed off, apparently someone had told him about his antics the night before and the horse theft. Despite his brother's best efforts to get him in trouble, he seems to be calming his Dad down- but then his best mate Jimmy-10-Pills shows up .Still clearly eccied off his face, this is the last straw for Pep's Dad and he orders them down to the basement, "before I beat the shit out of both of you!"

Still without his subway and now grounded, Pep orders in a pizza. Unfortunately the delivery man is a fat bastard and couldn't resist eating the cheesy goodness. Undeterred, he phones his girlfriend and says, "bring me a 12" BMT with extra jalapenos"- but she can't drive and has to get a lift from her Mum. The two of them turn up but her Mum turns out to be a total bitch, and says he's not allowed a BMT until he apologises to his father and returns the horse he stole. He calls her a cunt, he falls out with his girlfriend, and he still has no Subway.

After a couple of hours in the basement, Jimmy-10-Pills is starting to come down, but the bad news is Frankie-5-Grams has shown up. Frankie starts telling the story for the 500th time about when he sold the pizza delivery man bag of grass cuttings for £100 and told him it was purple haze. Right on cue, the pizza delivery boy shows up again and knocks out Pepe and Jimmy-10-Pills in one swipe.

Realising the error of his ways, our main man Pep decides he should return the horse to it's rightful owner. "It's almost 4pm and I've still not had a fucking Subway", he tells Jimmy, who laughs and takes another half. They ride off into the distance and so it ends. Did Pepe ever get a sandwich? I guess we'll never know.

This is from Sergio's Twitter, where he wished Fernando a happy birthday and gave him a kiss. He did not take photos of the reach around he gave him, but there are rumours of a video. Fernando I'm sure will be delighted because in some ways this makes up for him not being called up to the Spanish national team. In other ways it doesn't at all, and it's just a picture of Sergio Ramos kissing his poster - which is a bit weird.

Torres is 29, so we should probably just give up hoping he will become good again. Michael Owen tried that for years and look where it landed him - Stoke. Even worse, on the bench at Stoke. The only thing worse than being on the bench at Stoke, is being forced at gunpoint to watch Michael Owen's soccer skills by Michael Owen - whilst he talks about darts.

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Arsenal have had problems over the last few seasons where they have conceded too many goals and not scored enough goals. Wenger might have a solution and it's name is Petr Cech

I think our friends at Dirty Tackle! made this

The Gunners have identified that stopping balls going into the net will mean that they concede less goals and since Petr Cech is very good at doing exactly this, he will fit in nicely. Plus, Chelsea might turn to Belgian superstar Thibaut Courtois to fill the gap between the posts because otherwise he'll become too attached to Atletico Madrid and won't come back, sort of like when my girlfriend started hanging around with that cool motorcycle gang in the evenings and now she hasn't been home for about 3 months. Also her stuff seems to have moved somewhere. She's so crazy like that - we are two peas in a pod

Superstar sexy man, Cristiano Ronaldo is still being rather quiet about his future at Real Madrid and this must mean that OH MY GOD HE WILL MOVE SOMEHWERE ELSE WHERE WILL IT BEEEE

My god I hate the new Simpsons episodes. Ronaldo has been linked with a move back to Manchester United who would have to pay him probably about half what he gets now and since Real Madrid are rumoured to be offering him double his current salary to stay longer, I think this is unrealistic.

I for one would like to see Ronaldo start his own team called 'The Hurricanes' and overcome adversity in a weekly episodic manner. There could be life lessons, and we'd all learn about good and evil and even if it's completely shit, it's still better than any Simpsons episode I've seen since season 11

You may remember that this weekend, Callum McManaman tried to murder a Newcastle player whose name I can't remember how to spell. Everyone was outraged except for Wigan and the FA, so that's nice.

The FA have decided that McManaman won't be charged for his crime because the referee already saw it and decided it wasn't a crime. Ahhh I see. So by this logic if a policeman sees me run over a pedestrian but doesn't tell me off at the time, then it's totally fine? That's good news because I've been hiding in this back alley now for like 20 minutes now and I think I'm going over my 3g allowance

Glasses wearer of the year 1998, Edgar Davids, is currently the hero of Barnet fans everywhere, especially those from Barnet who journeyed to their team's recent game at Accrington Stanley.

The player-manager was just minding his own business in the team bus when he noticed helpless Barnet fans had broken down on the hard shoulder of the M6. Davids knew then that he was the only man who could save them.

Bravely he ordered the Barnet team coach to drop the players off at a nearby service station and return to rescue the traveling fans, who he bought coffees for. One guy said:

The coach is warm and very, very plush. It takes us to the services where the players have been treating their bodies like temples at Burger King and sampling the other limited delights of a northern service station.

It's good to know that professional players, even if they are lower league ones, also eat regular human food like Burger King, even though Burger King is fucking disgusting. I get the impression that if Ronaldo were to try and ingest a whopper it'd make him explode.

Because Rio Ferdinand is injured, England have a place spare in their squad. NOT ANY MORE! Steven Taylor is set to join in and be all majestic

The Newcastle defender has had a lot of injury problems over the years but this is due to the sheer intensity with which he plays football. In the game against Anzhi the other day, he tried to header a ball that was on the ground.

"I am so happy to have received a call-up to the full squad. It is every player's ambition to represent their country and it is the greatest honour in professional football.

Clearly Steven is happy about the call up and now he can join up with a squad that speaks only marginally worse English than the French one he currently plays for. If Wayne Rooney can also be trained to climb trees he will really give the army some options

Blackburn Rovers fired manager Michael Appleton today after his performances since January, WHEN HE JOINED, turned out to not be good enough for them.

These guys are the ones in charge of Blackburn Rovers, and if you haven't spent all of your money betting on Cheltenham you could probably spare some to send to Rovers fans to make them feel happier. Appleton managed 15 games in charge before he got binned and even important BBC journalists like Phil McNulty think it's strange

All that has done, however, is remind me that McNulty is also a character in the Wire and that I haven't watched that show since Season 2 but that I don't really care. And if you think about how little you care about how much of The Wire I've seen, multiply that by 90 million and that's how much I care about Blackburn Rovers

Horse loving striker, Michael Owen has announced today that he intends to retire at the end of the season even though he's actually been injured since 2002.

Owen's career spanned several years and saw him earn lots of money for being the test subject of various massages and hamstring examinations. Before that he was also one of the best strikers in the world and is England's fourth all time highest goal scorer, so just remember that. Owen originally wanted to do a press conference to announce his decision but had to use Twitter instead after rupturing both his medial ligaments pouring some rice krispies into a bowl.

Monday, 18 March 2013

Inter Milan played Spurs the other night and when they weren't busy scoring lots of goals, their fans were busy being racist. Hooray!

Inter have been fined something like £43,000 for the behaviour of their fans which included throwing missiles (coins and stuff, not rockets), doing monkey chants and even messing around with inflatable bananas. It could be argued that the monkey stuff was just being done because Gareth Bale looks an astonishing amount like an ape, but he was suspended so that just doesn't add up. Instead they were doing it because they dislike black people through a mixture of ignorance, fear, insecurity and retardation. In a way, they are the real apes. Except apes are cool and racism is not. I'M SO CONFUSED RIGHT NOW

Wigan's chairman has announced that he believes Callum McManaman's murder challenge on Massadio Haidara was totally legit, which is strange because it wasn't.

If you want to make sure someone's leg doesn't work ever again, this is one of the methods I would most recommend but not funny old Dave Whelan! He doesn't know what you pussies are all moaning about

The ball was there and McManaman got the ball as clear as a whistle, then followed through and they collided

In whatever planet this guy lives on, the ball was played, but you may notice the ball in that picture is directly below the Wigan player. I'm no wizard, but it's hard to play football if it's behind you and you're about to put someone in a wheel chair.

It's expected that McManaman will face a lengthy ban for his horror challenge and will spend a minimum of 3 weeks in space jail, on the moon.

Restaurant owner Rio Ferdinand has pulled out of Roy Hodgson's England squad even though he was totally going to play. Poor Roy. Or Rio.

The Manchester United defender has withdrawn from the team because: injured. Roy Hodgson said this:

"I'm disappointed Rio will not be available, but due to the detailed medical programme he must follow it's not possible,"

So Rio was just called up because it makes Roy look really nice inviting him even though he knew that he couldn't play. What an evil game, Mr Hodgson. This reminds me of the time that I invited all of my friends round to my house to play Sonic but none of them could make it because I don't have any friends

Thursday, 14 March 2013

There are approximately 0 English teams in the Quarter Finals of the Champions League this year for the first time in ages, but it's been a steady decline over the last few seasons. Except for that time Chelsea won it. Anyway, Wenger agrees

Arsenal got binned last night ( LIKE I TOLD YOU THEY WOULD ) and Man United gave up against Real Madrid, so now we have teams like Galatasaray and Shaktar Donetsk leading the way instead. Chelsea managed to win last year by defending and getting defenders to relax because they only had to deal with Fernando Torres and then they sneakily scored while the defenders were too relaxed, but this is not true football. True football is what they do in Spain, and I know this because some journalists said so and I have no independent opinions. Wenger said:

"It's a massive disappointment for English football," said Wenger.

"We accept the rest of European football has caught us."

Manchester City couldn't even buy their way out of their own group and they won the whole league last year. What is the point of playing any kind of sport if you can't cheat or buy your way out of it? Next you'll be telling me that it's not ok to inject heroin while watching games of Squash at the local sports centre. I'm pretty sure most of the players don't even mind. THOUGHT POLICE!

Pa Broon is set to call it a day at the end of the season because he is very old and pretty much everyone I know has suggested it might be time that he retires. Look at how old he is

The 72 year old was the last manager to take Scotland to any international tournaments and for this reason alone he will eternally be a legend. It doesn't look very likely that the national side will ever achieve such heights any time soon so let us remember the career of a man currently lives in Aberdeen.

- was born
- was Scotland manager
- some stuff happened
- was Aberdeen manager
- will retire

That is a chronological run down of all the things that have happened to Craig Brown in his life according to what I know. Thankfully there aren't any online encyclopedic entries that could provide more information so you definitely shouldn't look for those because it would be a waste of time.

This title deserved capital letters because you're about to see a cat be a goalkeeper. I KNOW, RIGHT?!

This is from Japan (I think) where monsters are naturally bred and thus explains the incredible ability of this particular creature in what is primarily a human game. This cat is genuinely better than any women's goalkeeper I've seen on the TV and I'm not even that sexist or lying. So go figure that one out. GOALKEEPER CAT FOR PRESIDENT

Nile Ranger was once a promising young footballer who just loved guns and assaulting people. Now he's just some guy that loves guns and assaulting people. HELLO THERE POLICE

If I had to describe how much of an ass hole Nile Ranger is on a scale of 1-10, I would give him a purple. That's just 4 points above 12, if 10 is the highest amount of ass holeness you can get, and that is assuming that 3 is the magic number, which I heard it was. Ranger has now been arrested more times than I think he's scored Premiership goals and so I think now is probably a good time to just forget he ever existed. If you don't see him walking around a town centre in the next few weeks with a shopping trolley full of broken metal things that he's found, then I will eat my hat. And it's a nacho hat too so I would like to eat it

Rio Ferdinand has been recalled for England selection again at the age of 34, which is nice.

The Manchester United defender will potentially feature in England's next two qualifying games against San Marino and whoever else they're playing, and what a surprise that this has happened while John Terry is injured. The England team is basically now a sitcom where those two guys can't know that the other one is in the same building, and also Rio Ferdinand's lips are controlled by extra puppeteers. Or maybe it's CGI. I haven't decided yet, we're still in pre-production