4. If you were lame enough to have a ringtone, it would be:
a. "Face Down Ass Up," by 2 Live Crew. (–20)
b. "Girls," by Beastie Boys. (–10)
c. "Glory of Love," by Peter Cetera. (+10)
d. The version of "Glory of Love" you wrote for your wife. (+25)

5. You're sitting down on a crowded subway car. You would offer your seat to: (Choose all that apply.)
a. a pregnant woman. (+3)
b. an elderly woman. (+5)
c. a man with long hair. (+10)

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6. Someone grabs your girlfriend's ass at a bar. You:
a. Punch anyone who won't make eye contact. (+10)
b. Stand by her while she does. (+5)
c. Tell her it was probably accidental and she needs to relax. (–5)
d. Collect the five bucks, ask your friend if it was worth it. (–40)

7. At your birthday, your intoxicated wife slips and bangs her head really hard. You:
a. Take her to the hospital and insist that she did not ruin your birthday. (+20)
b. Lay her down on a pile of coats and tell her to close her eyes for a few hours. (+5)
c. Ask her why she always has to be the center of attention. (–10)

8. You're camping and a grizzly bear appears. You:

a. Tell her to run, then make yourself seem as big as possible, like they showed you on Discovery. (+20)

b. Run, telling her to make herself seem as big as possible like they showed you on Discovery. (–20)

9. If a woman were an automobile, she'd be:
a. a Lexus, elegant, with plenty to love under the hood. (+5)

10. At Thanksgiving dinner, your uncle suggests your girlfriend should abstain from a second helping of mashed potatoes. You:
a. Take another serving yourself as a sign of solidarity. (+10)
b. Tell him he's out of line. (+5)
c. Suggest the green beans. (–10)

11. If you were an animal, you would be:
a. a New Zealand paddle crab. (They eat their mates while mating with them.) (–50)
b. a blue crab. (They hold their women in a pre-mating embrace to protect them as they're molting.) (+10)
c. a black vulture. (Philandering vultures are attacked by other vultures.) (+20)
d. a sea horse. (Males carry the babies. Lucky bastards!) (+30)

Key

More than 100 points:Congratulations! You belong in the esteemed ranks of Prince Charming and Sir Lancelot. And if you're not getting walked all over, at least you're getting laid.

50 to 100:You're in the ranks of Sir Mix-a-Lot. But since we've been forced to lower our standards, you'll probably do okay.