The Apocalypse pulls ahead with Vajazzling

February 26, 2010

Sweet mother of GOD. It’s not enough that our lady parts are supposed to be bleached, dyed, shaved and/or waxed into oblivion- now we are invited to attach sparkles to them in the newest fashion in “vaginal adornment”: vajazzling.

Now, if your mind works like mine, you flash back to the 80s television ads for the Bedazzler and you try to block the mental image of your labia being punctured by a big plastic stapler. Vajazzling is bad, but not that bad. What they do is wax your entire pubic area and glue on a lovely pattern in Swarovski crystals. ( That’s in the high-end salons, of course. I bet it’s being done in a low-end salon this very minute with a bag of dollar store sparkles, a disposable bic razor, and a glue gun.)

There are so many things wrong here that I don’t know where to start. Like, why do pubic areas need to be shiny in the first place? I may not be the most objective judge, but I think lady parts look just swell without any adornment. And what about the practical considerations? Even if the glue does keep the crystals on for 5 whole days, what do you do when they start popping off in your underwear and your vagazzled vagina looks like a cheap denim purse that you got at the thrift shop? How do you keep them from ending up on the inside? From tearing a big whole in your condom? And how many partners are going to want to get all sweaty and frictional with your Swarovski-encrusted pudenda?

I know that people do all kinds of things to adorn their bodies and I do believe that women have the right to do whatever they want to with their parts. But in a culture that already views unaltered female genitalia as grotesque, I don’t think we should encourage women to keep them bald and sparkly.

Apocalypse: 3.5*

Humanity: 1

*After reading other blogs on vajazzling, I have awarded an extra half point to The Apocalypse for the repeated use of the word vajayjay. I am all for euphemisms (my favorite being meat curtains), but that word is just asinine.