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Friday, November 1, 2013

My mind has a memory. As October approached the gears began to shift. With Aviana's refusal gaining steam, so did my thought process. Could this really be happening? Were two going to become one? On that very same day? Would these best friends meet once again in this most inexplicable way? No. How could that be? I've most certainly let my mind wander off into oblivion. With my heart pounding, it was clear - the thought was far too much.

I couldn't shake it though. As Aviana and I sat and stared deeply into each other's eyes, my holdback finally broke. I lowered myself closer to her and whispered, "Baby, is Kama coming back for you? Tell me, are you waiting to join her on the 26th? Is this your plan?"

I always took great comfort in the thought of the two of them being reunited, but this deep down early feeling took hold of me in an unexplainable way. I fully understood the magnitude of just how much extra peace this would bring us. With this vision tucked away, I held Aviana tight and cried - both sad and happy tears.

At the time, the possibility was much too far off in the distance. I wanted to put the very same amount of space between this notion, and the remainder of my brain. I couldn't get my hopes up.

In one of our earliest Hospice meetings, our doctor gave examples of what the very end of life was like. He spoke of some people having visions of their dogs coming back for them. I lost it. The tears weren't the rolling kind, but were of the unstoppable spilling variety. Every thought of just how close these two were flooded my head and heart at the very same time. I had to leave the table for a moment. I could barely breathe, see, speak - anything. This newly colored mental picture, coupled with my previous inkling, all became too much to bear! I was about to collapse. Face meet floor. Floor meet face!

We soon spoke to our Hospice nurse and social worker. In reveling our thoughts about our two girls, it became clear. It seemed like a pipe dream that would likely go up in smoke. We didn't think Aviana could make it that long because she had decided to stop eating altogether.

The days continued on though. Aviana was focused, alert and attentive. We continued in loving her, reading, taking her on walks, to the park, and so forth.

About three days prior to her death, it was apparent - we should never have doubted her. When Aviana sets her mind on something, she accomplishes it. Aviana was always methodical in everything she did. If she was opening a Christmas present, watching cartoons, doing a puzzle, or getting dressed… methodical. She always put great attention and detail into everything. She was the most determined little soul. As you all know, she was tough too. She showed every one of her truest qualities, especially in her last days.

On the morning of the 25th, her 15th day without, she didn't fully wake. We knew she was finally making her transition. She was calm and peaceful, just as she had been the entire time. This was also the very first day we stayed in bed with her. We cycled through her books - all into the night.

Because she doesn't like anyone sleeping with her, we understood the reality of what was to come. We said goodnight to her at about 10:30. We kissed her goodnight, and what we knew was goodbye. It was one of the hardest moments of our entire lives.

At about 1:45am I couldn't take it anymore. I had to check on her. If she had already passed, I couldn't handle the thought of leaving her until morning!! I talked to Dave and he agreed.

I went in and her breathing had changed a little. I crawled into bed with her. I kissed her head, hugged her, and told her she made it! It was the 26th. I knew I wasn't telling her anything she didn't already know. I told her how much we loved her and how proud I was of her. I told her how I've never met anyone like her, and never will. I told her how there was so much I just didn't understand before I met her, but especially before the accident. I explained that I wouldn't trade one moment of the last 4 years for anything. I thanked her for being here and all she had taught me, especially after the accident. I told her I would never stop learning from her, and I would do my best to continue to share her. I tried so hard not to cry as I told her how much we would miss her, but how I would smile as I thought of her and Kama running and playing just as they used to!

I laid with her for a couple more minutes in silence, but I knew, as much I so badly wanted to stay wrapped up with her, I had to leave - for her.

I snuck in there one more time after 2am. A calm came over me. The last thing I said to her was that we were okay. I said it was her time to be with Kama. I told her how much we loved her and kissed her goodnight and goodbye, one last time.

I went in again at about 5:50am and she was gone. Our baby was gone. I didn't cry. I felt an overwhelming peace. I crawled back onto our bed with Dave and slowly woke him up. I whispered to him, "Honey, she's gone."

Our girls were both 7 years old, and joined each other on the very same day - 3 years apart.

36 comments:

As I sit here with tears running down my cheeks uncontrollably, I can't help but think this is the most beautiful thing I have ever read. Heartbreaking, but beautiful. Jen, you are such an amazing soul. I appreciate you opening up to every single one of us and including us in your story, your life, this amazing chapter. I feel honored to have known your daughter and I hope one day I can meet you. Aviana and Kama are side by side at last! xoxo

Be still my heart! Those first two pics and the last pic made my heart surge with my emotion. Those pics of her so little kissing and hugging Kama are so familiar to me but yet I never met either one of them. How strange life is that they would leave at the same age and same date sad and special at the same time. Sending all my love, strength and peace to you. Diana in Ptown Thinking of you often and trying to honor you all in my actions!

Your long and winding road blog has taught me and I am sure many others, about love, strength, and acceptance. You gave Avi a gift by letting her choose her course. If she could have found a way to heal, she would have, but there was nothing she, you or anyone here could do. I wish you love, peace and comfort. Jeanne

Thank you so much for your choice of words. I read them to Dave. I absolutely love what you said, "if she could have found a way to heal, she would have, but there was nothing she, you or anyone could do." Absolute perfection. I believe you with my entire being. She would have. I can't tell you how much your exact word choice has resinated with us. We smiled and nodded our heads, all of us. Yes, yes.

I cant stop crying, The same day....I am both amazed yet not shocked. I want to say I'm sorry, yet again, but I am not sorry for her. I am so very happy for her that she and her Kama are together for always. What peace you must feel over that. I wish there was something anyone could say to fill the void of her physical loss, but you know she is with you in spirit and she is soaring with the angels.

In tears as i type this....I have this image of Kama waiting patiently for Avi, wagging her tail, ready to lick her and welcome her home. Thank you for sharing Aviana with us....she will always be in our hearts.

Jen -- I have goosebumps. It's amazing to KNOW that there is something beyond this life. Something that lines up. Something that, in the end, takes care of us. Something that lets both Kama and Avi conspire to make it so you don't have TWO different days a year to commemorate their loss, something that lets you know they are together, something that gives you peace.

I am thinking of you, Dave and Rainey every day and keeping you in the light.

I can only imagine the joy that both Avi and Kama are experiencing right now. Kama, with her tail wagging and Avi with her face being kissed over and over again by her best friend; the two of them snuggling and hugging and running and rolling together, the huge smile on Avi's face and Kama's tail wagging full blast. It's hard to be sad with this vision in my mind. The same age, the same month, the same day. It's truly uncanny. Yet so comforting. Peace. I can totally understand why you felt such an overwhelming sense of peace at 5:50am on the 26th.

When I look at the two pictures of Kama and Avi, it is such synchronicity. Like, I dunno, is the Universe so weird that maybe they are angels with a secret pack of touching the lives of your family so deeply and spreading their story through your lovely words? Those pictures and their eyes, seem to say more than when I previously have seen them. The dates amazing. And, the post I wrote, about Aviana running her tushie off so fast Kama could barely catch up. I literally could just see those two. Thank you for showing me a window in to the miracles of our Universe. Wow. Sending you my continued love and good energy.

A secret pact…you are right. I so agree with you. The pictures are seen with a whole new set of eyes, to us too. I have stared with such adoration at all of their pictures for YEARS, and now…it's unbelievable to me. They take my breath away. It makes me believe in ways I never did before. Thank you again for your comments : )

Thank you for sharing those very intimate last moments with us, Jen. What a blessing that her passing was peacefully, in her sleep, and that she held on so you and Dave would have those very comforting thoughts of Kama and Avi, together again. The photo of them looking back at you through the door...I think that must speak so much to you and Dave at this time. God's comfort to you both and to your family and all who knew Avi.Nancy in the Midwest

So amazing! If it had to happen, it is beyond perfect to end this way. I am so happy to read this post. I feel at peace, I know you are at peace, I know she is at peace and happy. I also know that Kama is so excited to see her again. Of course the dates say volumes in the connection between life and death. She knew, Kama knew. So incredible. You were given a true miracle. :)Love,Tracy

Like many that read your blog,I have gotten to know and adore your family.When I read the news about Aviana it brought me to tears.I went back reading your past posts looking for my favorite picture of Aviana, which happens to be the last picture in this post.Something about the look in both their eyes captures their spirit. When I read through those past entries I also noticed Kama's passing date which was the same as Aviana's. These things don't happen by coincidence.I admire you for you fighting so hard for your daughter and knowing when it was time to stop.You have eloquently told your daughters story and I know it will inspire many.God Bless your family.Lisa from Florida

Thank you Lisa. I appreciate your words. I agree with my whole heart ~ there are no coincidences! Aviana was so focused…she and her best friend were together on a mission to reunite. We were just sitting by watching it all unfold. It was the most amazing thing I have ever been witness to, in my entire life! Thank you for being here : )

I have been following your blog for so long now...never commented, but have kept y'all in my prayers and thoughts daily. As an animal person, I can't tell you how much this touched me...all of your writing has, but this brought me out of lurking...What an amazingly strong woman you are...with an amazing husband and a indescribably strong daughter who taught us all so much. I hope you continue your blog.

Thank you so much. Isn't it the most amazing story. Everyday I still sit in wonderment. I am so grateful it happened the way it did. I am so thankful I was given that gift of extra peace right in the very end. Thank you so very much for being here Catherine!

I haven't commented before but I want to offer my condolences on your loss. I can't even imagine but hope God comforts you in this time. Again I am so sorry for your loss. Aviana was truly an angel on Earth and now is an Angel in Heaven.

Jen, I have followed your blog for years. I learned about it from a Guatamalan group I am involved with. I have not been on since August and just went on today. I want to give you my heartfelt condolences. You and your husband are amazing people. I don't think I would of had the strength to go through what you did. Your mom and step dad seem like amazing people to. I love the stories of Kama. I do believe that Aviana held on to pass away the same day Kama did. The pictures you share of the two of them are beautiful. I hope you keep the blog going. Sending prayers and strength your way. Mindy