Once upon a time, such a long, long time ago, I thought I was the perfect mother. I thought I’d be responsible for raising upstanding citizens who adore their parents, say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’, love homework, keep their rooms clean and bring their mother fresh posies from the garden every other day. Eventually, I anticipated, my kids would graduate top of their class, gain meaningful employment, raise funds and awareness for the worst of society’s ills and eventually provide me with delightful grandbabies.

Then the first child was born, and all sense of superiority went out the window. Now I have three kids and I have to admit – just quietly – the more children I have, the less I know what I’m doing.

Lucky for me, I have my children to guide me. And they never miss an opportunity to assist me in my pursuit of parental perfection as they continue to provide helpful feedback on where I’m going wrong.

I thank them, in particular, for these recent learnings:

1. Offering a piece of banana instead of the whole banana still in the skin is unacceptable. The skin must be pulled sufficiently down so it can be eaten like a monkey – that’s exactly halfway. No more, no less. Or else.

2. Toast crusts are poisonous and, while you’re at it, cutting it into squares and triangles is passé. Butterflies, stars and the entire cast of In the Night Garden are preferable shapes.

3. Brand new dresses MUST be worn during the consumption of spaghetti bolognese. Bibs are not necessary and are an affront to the individual’s dining skills.

4. The appropriate response to a request to close the fridge door is to throw oneself to the floor and scream.

5. The age at which one can dress oneself effectively and in a timely fashion is probably about 27.

6. Sunscreen is the work of the devil and is never to be worn. Except on the odd occasion during which the entire tube is applied to the face.

7. Hats are to be worn while watching television or reading books. They are also excellent for stowing small toys. They are NOT appropriate for outdoor activities.

8. The answer to “What sort of sauce would you like on your meal?” is always ALL of the sauces – and if anything is to actually be eaten, it must be presented in a funny shape.

9. Haircuts should be against the law, as should the washing of hair.

10. Asking siblings to do anything together constitutes cruel and unusual punishment.

11. There must always be at least three pieces of Lego in all beds at all times. Any slip from this standard requires an immediate and thorough replenishment of stocks.

12. The appropriate response to finding a pile of clean washing on one’s bed is to form it into a nest and sleep in it.

13. The answer to every yes/no question is invariably “no”.

14. The answer to every other question is “chocolate”, “Mummy” or “waaaaaaaaaaah”.

15. Medicine is delicious and may be demanded as a recreational beverage at any time, but will be spat out with great force if actual illness occurs.

16. Going to the toilet alone is not an option for any member of the family. For any visit there must be at least one participant and one spectator. The closer the spectator can position themselves to the participant, the better.