Thursday, 12 May 2011

Post Binge

As in excessive posting...not after a binge. Though...yah whatever.

I feel really full. I hate how much my feelings about myself change when I'm full. Earlier today, when I got out the pool, I'd had 1oo calories, cycled 5km in the gym, done weights then swam 2km in 40 minutes... and I looked at my stomach and realised I didn't look as huge as I felt, that maybe I'd lost weight? And maybe I wasn't awful?

Now I feel like a whale. I don't mean that in a melodramatic way (though I suppose it is). I mean I actually fell huge, I can feel myself expanding and I don't know where my edges are. I am awkward and have lost all coordination. It is like those gawky periods of growth in puberty when your arms are too short for your body and then suddenly they are long and you trip and stumble. I only grew about 6 inches in puberty. I know when I was 9 I was 136cm and I've been 164cm since I was 12 or so but I didn't start puberty at 9, more 10 or 11. My feet haven't grown since I was 9 though. This resulted in years of school shoes which didn't fit because we always bought a bit large to 'grow into' only my feet never did reach a size 6...my mum remained convinced they would until I stopped wearing school uniform at 16... She still thinks that one day size 12 clothes will fit me.