Smoker throat cancer victim uses own obituary to confess his secrets

A US man has used his own obituary to confess all his secrets – he didn’t really have a PhD, he stole a safe in 1971 and he was on the “banned for life” lists at Disneyland and SeaWorld.

Val Patterson, who died from throat cancer at the age of 59 on July 10, wrote his own obituary for the Salt Lake Tribune, also revealing the secrets to living a good life.

“[I] traveled to every place on earth that I ever wanted to go. Had every job that I wanted to have. Learned all that I wanted to learn. Fixed everything I wanted to fix. Eaten everything I wanted to eat,” Mr Patterson wrote.

“My life motto was: “Anything for a Laugh”. Other mottos were “If you can break it, I can fix it”, “Don’t apply for a job, create one”.”

Mr Patterson, who described himself as a “true scientist”, wrote that he had confessions he needed to make.

“As it turns out, I AM the guy who stole the safe from the Motor View Drive Inn back in June, 1971.

“I could have left that unsaid, but I wanted to get it off my chest.

“Also, I really am NOT a PhD. What happened was that the day I went to pay off my college student loan at the [University of Utah], the girl working there put my receipt into the wrong stack, and two weeks later, a PhD diploma came in the mail.

“I didn’t even graduate, I only had about 3 years of college credit. In fact, I never did even learn what the letters “PhD” even stood for.

“For all of the electronic engineers I have worked with, I’m sorry, but you have to admit my designs always worked very well, and were well engineered, and I always made you laugh at work. …

Confessions should appear in more obituaries. That’s an easy way to get a PhD diploma. Ph.D., an abbreviation for the Latin “Philosophiæ Doctor” or Doctor of Philosophy and it is the highest degree in the liberal arts fields such as mathematics, natural sciences, social sciences and humanities. Now you know. I confess, I am the real Xenophilius Lovegood.