In scenes resembling the finale of any dreadful romcom starring Matthew McConaughey or Sandra Bullock, Tottenham's plane to China was stopped on the airport runway yesterday moments after those triangular wooden wedges on ropes had been pulled from beneath the wheels. Inside the aircraft, with his mobile phone glued to his ear in direct contravention of airline policy, a panic-stricken Darren Bent barged his way past the air stewardess who was busy warning his bewildered team-mates not to pull the toggles on their life jackets inside the cabin, pulled the big red lever on the door, jumped out and shouted "wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" as he flew down the rubber emergency slide.

Moments later, he'd grabbed his Louis Vuitton monogrammed waterproof canvas suitcase from the hold and jumped in a car bound for the exotic far north-east of Wearside, where he will spend today thrashing out personal terms with Steve Bruce after Sunderland and Spurs agreed on an eyebrow-raising £14m fee for his somewhat erratic services. Admittedly, it's more of a news story than a rumour, but because it's such a nice, heartwarming tale that still has the potential to go horribly wrong, we didn't think it'd be too much of a liberty to put it here.

One story that certainly isn't out of place in a column dealing largely in unfounded speculation is the Daily Mail "exclusive" stating that Manchester City have had a £15m bid for Kolo Touré accepted by Arsenal and subsequently agreed personal terms of £120,000 per week with the 28-year-old. That's £180,000 per week less than they were planning on paying John Terry, so we're a bit surprised the Mail missed a trick by choosing not to go off on one of their trademark rants complaining about immigrant workers coming over here, stealing our jobs and undercutting our workers.

Another dastardly foreigner looking likely to pitch up at Eastlands is Miguel Veloso. The 23-year-old has a £15m get-out clause in his contract with Sporting Lisbon and has long been a target of the Bolton Wanderers manager Gary Megson, whose flinty heart must have sunk when he heard Mark Hughes is also keen on the Portuguese midfielder.

Milan fans everywhere are breathing sighs of relief now that the confident young Arsenal striker Nicklas Bendtner has committed his future to the Gunners amid speculation linking him to the Serie A side as a replacement for – no sniggering at the back, please – Kaka. At Villa Park, Martin O'Neill is pining after the £6m Blackburn Rovers defender Stephen Warnock, the ideal replacement for Nicky Shorey who he'll gladly offload to the highest bidder. The bad news for O'Neill is that Harry Redknapp is also keen on signing Warnock, now that somebody's just told him that astonishing stat about Gareth Bale never winning a Premier League match with Tottenham despite playing 24 of them. Once he's been shown the door at White Hart Lane, the baby-faced Welsh full-back will attermpt to continue this admirable not-winning streak with Milan, Ajax or Roma. Or Hull City.

Speaking of the Tigers, their perma-tanned manager Phil Brown is prepared to roll up his shirt sleeves and go toe-to-toe with the Everton manager David Moyes in an undignified set-to over the Tottenham defender Alan Hutton, while Goodison Park's South African God-botherer-in-residence, Steven Pienaar, has received divine inspiration instructing him to ink a new deal with the Toffees.

And with Lucas Neill having refused to take a pay cut to stay at West Ham and been conspicuous by his absence from the squad of happy Hammers that have travelled to China to play Spurs (no, we're not sure why they couldn't have picked a more convenient venue either), his agent has said there are "a couple of big clubs who have shown an interest" in his Australian client. Galatasaray and – of course – Manchester City are the names being mentioned.

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