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Hi Everyone...

My name is Tasha and I just joined the group. I have 1 stepdaughter who just turned 10 in May. My husband and I also have a 4 year old daughter together and a little boy that is due at the end of this year. I have been with my husband for a little more than 5 years now and we just got married last year.

When my husband and I first got together my stepdaughter was 4 years old and we got along really well. After my husband and I had been together for about a year and right before our daughter was born his ex took him to court to obtain custody of their daughter and that is when things took a turn for the worst in my relationship with my stepdaughter. From the time the custody battle started up until today his ex has been telling their daughter that she does not have to listen, respect or even acknowledge me when she is visiting with us. Due to the courts and the custody battle we have a very strange visitation schedule and that alone causes alot of stress and confusion. I have tried my best to get along with my stepdaughter and at my whits end. No matter what I do or try to do the only words out of her mouth is that I am not her mom and her mom says that she doesn't have to listen to me. My husband and I have sat down together with her to explain to her that when she is with her mom she listen and do what her mom and her moms family asks and tells her to do. But that when she is with us she needs to listen and do what we ask her to do. I try not to be the disciplinarian in the family dynamic but at times its hard not to because I am the one who is left to care for her on the weekends when my husband is at work. I have asked his family for help and they basically tell me no they will not watch her because she needs to be at home with me.

When my husband is around my stepdaughter pretty much behaves. When he is around she has her moments but for the most part does what we ask her to do. But when my husband is not around she give me attitude, speaks disrespectfully to me, lies straight to my face, refuses to do the things I ask her to do, and has been a bad influence on my 4 year old daughter. She has told me straight to my face that she can do whatever she wants because her mom said that I am not important and that she does not have to listen to or respect me. Sometimes she pushes me to the point where I am soo mad and frustrated that I am aftaid I am going to snap. And at this point I send her to her room and have to go to my own room to cool down and wait for my husband to come home. My in-laws refuse to watch her even though they see how hard it has been for me. They keep telling me that she is going to get better and that things will improve but in the past 5 years it has only gotten worst. and as she gets older things are only getting worse because now she is smart enough to know that she has behave in front of others to show that she is trying and then when its just me and her she reverts to her old behavior because she knows that I am not allowed to discipline her.

At this point I have tried all suggestions that have been made by my family and friends and nothing has worked. My husband and I have even been to counceling together to see what we can do and have included my stepdaughter in on a few of the sessions but no improvement has been made. We have also asked my husbands ex if she would agree to go to parenting/family counseling with my husband and their daughter so that they can learn to co-parent together and if we could send my stepdaughter to counceling as well to help to improve our relationship but she has refused saying there is nothing wrong with their situation.

Please help I am at my whits end and I just don't know what to do anymore...

Im not one to say stop watching skids because i watch my sd every day and wouldnt stop just because things got hard but it sounds like that would be best for you. You have tried other things and nothing is working..so it might be best if you dont watch her anymore.

And you undermined her mom by saying only listen to your mom when you're with your mom. My kids are to listen to me regardless of location, depending on what it is. People who say you listen to me over your mom when you're here don't get listened to.

I understand that you do not want to discipline her but it sounds like it is time to start. Start by taking away her favorite belongings for a set amount of time. Do not let a child have the power to make you life miserable. Dh needs to back you up so you need to come up with a plan that he can stand by as well. Forget trying to be nice and understanding your sd is not accepting it.

I have tried telling my dh that I will not watch my sd and he has tried his best to send her to his parents or his siblings when he has to work on the weekends. But now days his parents are refusing to watch her because they are now saying that since we are married she is partly my responsibility. I disagree with that and have told my dh many times I have even sat down to talk with my in-laws but it is to no avail. They are sticking by their decision to watch her when I have to work. Also sending her with her BM is not an option as well because my dh and the BM do not get along at all and she is not flexible in regards to keeping my sd when my dh has to work. Her feeling is if she is going to keep her more than we should just do away with the visitaion and pay her more money... I wish she were more cooperative and flexible in this aspect.

Also to the comment that came in in regards to me telling my sd that when she is with her mom she should do what her mom and her moms family tells her to do. But that when she is with us she needs to do what we tell her to do. I understand your upset by this, but she was taught that mom's house has certain rules and dads house has certain rules. For us to just say ok that's fine then that your mom says you don't have to listen to use or even respect us is not right. We don't tell her that she has to follow our rules and do what we say when she is with her mom. Doesn't the father and his family have the right to have a hand in raising his child? Should the BM control what happens at her house as well as our house? When my daughter goes over to other peoples houses I tell her she needs to listen to the adults there and do as she is told unless it is something that is wrong or she is not comfortable with. But I never tell not to listen or to not be respectful.

I have tried to discipline my SD but it doesn't seem to matter to her. I've taken away her tv time, taken away her electronics, and I have not allowed her outings with her cousins or friends if she misbehaves or is disrespectful. But none of it really phases her. The only thing that really matters to her is having her dads undivided attention when she is at our house and her dad attention is something I feel is wrong to take away from her.

I did speak with my husband last night in regards to me not watching his daughter anymore again. But I am kind of putting him in a tight spot to since he works weekends to bring in additional income to our family when it is needed. He did say though that going forward if he is working and I need to watch my SD if she misbehaves to call him and he will leave work to come home to deal with her and I have agreed to it for the time being. But I told him that I do not know how much longer I can continue to take care of my SD on my own unless he tries to help to change the situation.

I have a few questions!1- have you adjusted your attitude reguarding your SD? Do you still buy her things, make her special treats, and spend one on one time with her?

If so, I think you need to cut it out for a little while. I know it sounds mean, but somehow she has got to learn that people will treat you the same way you treat them! It's going to be a lot nicer coming from someone who loves her at 10 then someone who hates her in highschool!

2- Does she have a room at your place? Or is there any other quiet place she can be sent when she misbehaves?

If so, another option is sending her there (no tv, no cell phone or electronics, no toys, only books) the FIRST time she misbehaves. Then, whenever your DH is not home, she stays there for the rest of the weekend! Again, this is going to be hard, and you're going to feel like you are being mean, but it sounds like you're down to the brass tacs here! (If she appologizes, you can try letting her be with you and your DD for a while. If the bad behavior continues, then the time alone does, to. Bring her out for meals, or just let her come out to get her meals and take them back with her. up to you!)

3- What is your DH's response?

I know you said you feel like taking his attention away from her is mean, but if that is her currency, and nothing else seems to work, then that's what you have! I'm not saying to keep her dad to her for the rest of her life, though! Have your Hubby call you on his way home, and ask how the day went. If it went bad, as soon as he gets home he tells her "I heard you did such and such today. Go to time out for ten minutes." When she is done with time out, he gives her the normal huggs and kisses or whatever.

I know I sound horribly mean and jaded, but I just think the earlier you can get a result from her, the better off you are! It's really unfair of ANYONE to expect you to watch her, and not be allowed to punish her. I don't think you should be giving her spankings, but time outs and sending her to her room? Of course you should be allowed to do that!

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