Diary of a Superstar: Saved by the Rain

No cricket again this weekend as persistent rain saved Siyapa from a sound beating at my hands. I was in the mood for a big score and as one of the greatest players of all time I would have certainly layed waste to our title challengers.

The lack of any results sees us retain our position at the top of the league with only one game remaining. It's there for the taking - how much do we want it.

Rob Somebody was back up for the game having been paroled from Lancastershire. He worked away in his quiet, self-effacing way taking a catch an a wicket before sanity prevailed and the match was abandoned. This left plenty of time for an entertaining and enjoyable evening at some of Aberdeens finest cocktail lounges.

If anybody has my trousers please return them.

Elsewhere, Englind have slid to a pathetic low and have almost no chance of winning the Ashes - as I knew they would.

Without a powerful, tall, Sath Ifrikan run machine in the middle order they simply cannot compete with the Austilians.

Who to drop? Tek your pick. Charlotte Edwards, Heather Knight, Lydia Greenway: all have undeperformed and I hiv no doubt I could have made all the difrince.

The sooner the ECB realise their mistake and apoint me Captin, Chariman and selictir, the sooner I can use my awesome talent to get Englind back where we belong - Secind in the World after Sath Ifrika.