Last week, Samuel L. Jackson famously participated in a contest on Reddit, where he would read one, 300-word monologue written by a fan, with the winner chosen by Reddit and the proceeds going to charity. I’ll be honest, a big part of me was hoping Eugene Mirman’s screed about filling a pussy with cream cheese and yelling at the guy from Coldplay until he sh*t himself would be the winner, but sometimes that alt comedy doesn’t play to the masses. Instead, the winner was a speech about Sam Jackson giving up acting to become a vigilante. It takes a second to heat up, but the climax is pretty strong.

I’ve been given the gift of an incredibly intimidating voice, and I intend to use it to strike fear into the scum that plague our streets. Listen to this: HEY! YOU! MOTHERF*CKER! STOP DOIN’ ALL THAT CRIME!

Or how about this one: YO! KNOCK THAT MOTHERF*CKIN’ CRIME OFF!

It’s okay, I guess. Samuel L. Jackson saying “motherf*cker” is predictable, but the thrill of it is undeniable. Though I am a little disappointed in the Reddit community for choosing a monologue that includes “I’m Samuel L. Jackson, bitch!” I expect this kind of thing from Brett Ratner, but you’re supposed to be better than that.