The Duke is back. The game that should not exist is finally coming out. Action movie fans rejoice, we have another chance to be the world’s biggest chauvinist.

Will this game be appropriate for children? I doubt it. And by doubt I mean I am 100% certain that no child should play this game. But read on for more information.

Estimated Recommended Age

Estimated Minimum Age

Available On...

18

16

Xbox 360, PS3, PC

Overall Fun

Length

Frustration

Violence

Sexuality

Substances

Gambling

Unk.

Unk.

Unk.

7

10

3

1

Mods

Religion

Anti-Law

Community

Sports

Magic

Miscellaneous

0

0

2

2

4

0

Unk.

1. A Brief History (of the Series)

Anyone who has been gaming since at least 1995 is very familiar with “The Duke”. Duke Nukem is a satirical shooter series that is meant to make fun of every machismo action hero ever to have crossed the silver screen. Duke is a steroid-riddled chauvinist whose only mission in every single game is to save the women of earth from an alien invasion.

Pixilated fake boobs. Oh the powers of technology.

Yes, aliens have come to earth to steal our women, and only The Duke can save them. That’s the entire premise of every Duke Nukem game from the first game way back in 1991.

Every real game in the series (and I say “real” to exclude the rather poor spin-offs that have somehow seen the light of day) has been a hotbed for violence and sexuality. Duke Nukem 3D was host to graphic violence, nudity, and even an alien impregnation and birth. While Duke Nukem 3D came out before the ESRB was an industry standard, it definitely would have gotten a “Mature” rating if it were released today.

Duke Nukem Forever has become a gaming industry joke not because of its content but because of the fact that the game has been officially in production since about 1998. Yes, this game has been in production for 13 years. Many dedicated gamers thought that this game would never be released, and it almost never did (the developing company 3D Realms was shut down a few years ago after its parent company accused the 3D Realms management of not meeting deadlines).

But now, Duke Nukem Forever is officially going to be released and soon. It’s the game that should never have been, but finally is.

2. What We Know

The sample pictures alone have been summing up the content of this game fairly easily. Duke Nukem Forever is going to include girls in little to no clothing who are getting abducted by aliens and Duke is going to have to blow up every last alien in order to get them back. The girls are going to fawn all over Duke like he’s the last man on Earth.

This is direct from the Duke's First Access page. I didn't censor it, but i highly doubt it's going to be censored in the game.

If you really want a summation of what this game is going to be like before we even rate it, check out two things. First, check out this trailer. The beginning shows the ESRB rating for this game (Mature, no surprises) but also lists the things it got the mature rating for. Even with my distrust of the ESRB, the length of the rating on this game alone should highlight the fact that this game is not meant for kids. At all. Period. Do not give this to your kids. Please. Really.

If the Duke's truck wasn't a monster truck, it'd probably be a Hummer. Or a Mustang.

If that didn’t manage to convince you, actually watch this trailer. I can’t be positive, but that part where Duke puts his thumb up might be him in front of a glory hole. If you don’t know what that is, look it up. I’m not going to tell you. Really, go look it up. I’ll wait here.

...

Did you look it up? If not, good. The rest of the trailer will give a good indication of what you can expect. If you did, you know what I’m talking about.

Gambling is one thing I should've seen coming but didn't.

I’m still not quite sure how this game didn’t get an AO rating and I haven’t even played the demo yet.

3. What We Expect

Duke Nukem Forever is going to include a lot of violence and sexuality. No longer is the sexuality going to be as simple as nudity or Duke giving money to strippers and saying “Shake it, baby”. The Duke’s going to have even more dialog than before, and the cutscenes should add an extra heavy dose of sexuality.

I'm not sure how the wild west comes into this game.

Don’t let your kids play this one. Seriously, even before I do the official rating I’m seriously considering making this the only game to have a minimum age rating of 18. Duke Nukem contains the absolute worst elements of every 80s action movie ever made. If you have a problem having your kids watch “The Terminator” or other violence-heavy action movies that include gratuitous sex scenes, you’re not going to want to let your kids play this.