If you’ve ever laughed at someone and made them feel small for being different to what YOU are like then you can Go fuck yourself

If you’ve ever made someone feel like it’s not okay to be who they really are …straight, gay, bisexual, asexual, trans, then please just realise that you are ruining someone’s one shot at life and happiness because of how small YOUR mind is…and simply Go fuck yourself for that.

If you’ve ever mouthed about my family, know that people that say the most know the least sooooooo Go fuck yourself

If you’ve ever made me feel like I am nothing. I am not worth the shit on the ground, I am not even deserving of life. Then I have some helpful advice for you, sit down, clear your head, and think about what has made you like this? Since when did you think it was okay to make someone feel like they don’t even deserve to be alive? Or want to be alive? What gives you the right to do that? Are you happy doing that? Do you feel powerful having that control? Do you think it’s funny? And if the answer is yes then YOU can Go fuck yourself.

Bullies are everywhere, in your childhood, in your adult life, in work, even in your family sometimes, in your own friendship circle, and just in society as a whole. They get kicks out of making other people feeling like shit because they’re pretty hollow inside and they need something to do. The point is, they’re always going to be horrible people unless they cop on and change, but it’s not your fault they have a problem with you. You just need to keep being a good person and don’t let them make you cold and bitter. For every bully there is a genuine person willing to help you feel better, so listen to them and not the abuse because really..they can all go fuck themselves.
This is personal to me but a message that anyone that take and adapt to their own life. Give those lowlifes the two fingers, and continue on keeping your head up and treat people how you want to be treated!!
Peace !

I’ve heard these two phrases a number of times over the bank holiday weekend just passed. I also said it to someone myself. Those words have been ringing in my head for some reason.. And I’m starting to think about why that is so let me take you through my thought process..

I guess you can tell everything from someone’s eyes. You can see happiness, sadness, pain, joy, anger, fear, loneliness…or sometimes nothing at all. My eyes betray a lot of the emotions I’m trying to hide. I think this runs through my family. My ma is a very hard woman who would rarely cry but I know she is very very sad inside.

When I was growing up we would have arguments that I knew were killing her from her eyes, I could see the strain it was causing, but on the outside she acted like she did not give one fuck. Over the weekend I saw that my nana can be like that too.. But what I saw in my nana’s eyes was genuine fear. It broke my heart. But what breaks my heart even more is that she hid that and portrayed to me that she didn’t care and “I can do what I want”. I really really hate when people don’t admit how they actually feel.. If everyone did, the world would be so much clearer for a lot of people.

More than anything else someone’s eyes are a window to their soul, I think people carry what they’ve gone through in their eyes, they tell their own story and they show the true emotion inside the person.

I’ve heard those phrases over the weekend because it was a drug-fuelled couple of days for me and I was on a bit of binge. What I remember from the weekend is complaining that the drugs weren’t hitting me and my mates saying to me your eyes are telling a different story dean.. Because they were obviously in the back of my head, which is a little scary tbh. Then I blacked out and I really only remember tiny bits of the past three days. But enough about all that shiiiit…

Personally..I think it’s amazing that two little shapes in your face can tell a lifetime of stories. There can be so much life in someone’s eyes.. Or they can seem dead and it feels like they’re looking through you. My ma has started to get that look. It’s mostly from drugs and years of going without help for anything.. She’s started to die inside and you can see that in her eyes. Hope and happiness have completely left her body. I never want that to happen to me or anyone else I know… Because to be honest I don’t know if you can ever get that light back in your eyes and that’s a tragedy to me.

I think it’s important to not hide your real emotions and feelings and I know it’s hard but half the time the other person already knows how you really feel so you might as well tell the truth. 😊

I think that’s all from me.. Look after yourselves .. And don’t let the light die.

Well I’m back home in Ireland. I’ve been abroad for awhile and I had the time of my life. The weather was beautiful, I met some amazing and crazy people from all over the world, I saw loads of animals! (That was my favourite part) I saw spectacular views and experienced things that would never happen in Ireland. I was around Asia and Eastern Europe for the most part. I’m so glad I got to get away and I think I learnt a lot.

But unfortunately, my blog is not about my trip.

I was away for about three weeks and towards the last week I kind of lost control of my mind and myself. I made seriously stupid decisions. Unfortunately I got myself into a bad state again. Surprise surprise.. I took drugs and I drank loads. I doubt there was a few hours in that week that I was actually sober.. I got really inside my head and low in myself so I felt like numbing my emotions all the time. I drank excessively and took pills and powder that I really had no idea what the effects could be…I always prove myself to be a fucking idiot.

Anyways, I would have carried on like that no bother until there was no going back but I experienced two things. During the week I got the highest I’ve ever been in my whole life and I decided to take a bath with all of my clothes on. I was staying in this fellas house that I didn’t know very well, I was exhausted and off my head but I still thought I should have a bath. I have no idea why I left my clothes on or anything but long story short I passed out. I was so out of it I didn’t even realise where I was I just had to sleep. Luckily I was found shortly after but it could have been dangerous but what’s even more dangerous to me is why the fuck I even did that.. It’s fucked up and it’s not funny, it’s pretty sad tbh that I let myself be that out of control. The come down was absolutely horrible and right now it feels like it was all a bad dream.

The other thing that was my wake up call was again, on another come down. I was on a walk on my own 2 days after that incident and I was trying to clear my head and body and I just stopped and stared at this huge bridge crossing the river. And those horrible thoughts started racing through my mind.

I wonder what it would be like to jump off that bridge .. I wonder what would happen if I jumped into the river .. It would be so easy to leave this pain behind and the whole thing would be over in a second ..

I seriously sat and thought about it for awhile .. And then I got really scared. I started panicking at the thought I’d never see my little brother again, or I’d never hug my nana again, or see anyone else that I love and I realised my head was in a very very bad place. I had sworn to myself I’d never let myself go back there and have those thoughts again.

I knew I had to go home. I am so mad at myself for getting into that state again but sometimes it is too hard to fight and your mind wins. Your thoughts take over and control all your feelings..theres a trigger, and then a breaking point and I had passed mine.

Since then the way I look at life has changed..I’m all into symbols and metaphors and shit haha so basically..there’s often times in everybody’s life that feel like a crossroads..but there’s an obstacle in the way and this obstacle is what’s stopping you from choosing which path to go down..The obstacle is a bridge. You’re not very happy about this bridge but you need to make a decision. You can use the bridge and get over it and see what’s on the other side..Or you can jump off it and never see what it’s like after the bridge.

I’ve decided to get over it. My reason behind this is, if you’re feeling like I felt, and you think you are a bad person today… Be a better person tomorrow. Keep bettering yourself until you find peace in your mind that yeah, you’re actually a good person and you’re worthwhile in this world. Good people make bad decisions, it doesn’t make you a horrible person for life.

I believe that I try my best to be a good person because (probably unsurprisingly 😐) I’m actually a very emotional person and the greatest feeling in the world to me is making someone happy. Likewise, I feel it very deeply when I upset someone and I care so much about everyone in my life. I’m a hard worker and I’m trying so hard to keep everything in my life balanced and stable..especially my mind. I want to make people proud…not disappointed. I just know deep down that I don’t have a lot of badness in my heart and all I want to do is show everyone else that. So I’m trying to cut out making bad decisions so that I never feel that low in myself again.

Now that I’m back in Ireland I’m trying to find peace and happiness once again. I’m keeping busy by working long hours, but I like it because I don’t have too much time to think about things. When I’m finished work Ill go to bed. And do it all again every day. Its very hard but I think it’s what I need to be doing right now to build myself back up again. If I was doing fuck all I’d go out of my mind and stay depressed. It’s tough that I’m back in this position to be honest…but I’m hopeful that I’ll be okay again soon.

At the end of the day I’m 22 years of age, I’ve made mistakes and I’m learning from them, I still have time to turn my life around and be the good person I wanna be.

So although this blog started off happy and I did have an amazing trip, I probably depressed the life out of you with the rest of the blog so I’m sorry for that. I find it easier to write about low points in my life because it helps me get it off my chest and move on. That’s why if you don’t see any blogs for awhile I’m probably doing okay and don’t need to share anything haha.. I hate being a depresso though..I do try my best to have some positive spins on my blogs..

So there you go… I’m basically just gonna keep my head down and work away, and stick to bettering myself and feeling good about who I am. If I can do that, I WILL be happy. And if YOU stick to that too..I know that you will be happy too! 😊

Thanks for reading, and if you didn’t like it and you’re pissed off I wasted your precious time, well please build a bridge and get over it hahah

Well May 17th is coming to an end which means my deadline is here and my journey of 18 days is over. I’ve made my decision and my plans for tomorrow and I’m happy with it. My mind is clear as crystal and all of the stress that’s built up on me the last while has been lifted off my shoulders.

The past 18 days have been extremely eventful and I’m glad that I was super busy and did the things I always wanted to do. I’ve gotten a lot of advice and inspiration from a load of people the past few weeks including my best mates and my family and I can’t explain enough how much every word meant to me. Kindness is never forgotten and I will never forget how much you all did for me.

My mood and thoughts certainly changed numerous times over the last few weeks. Right now though I feel as though I am in a better place than I was on the 1st of May. I have peace of mind for just about everything in my life.

I started blogging nearly a year ago and from reading my past blogs I can see how much I’ve changed myself and how much I’ve stayed the same. With regard to love, well I think that was a game I was always going to lose. It’s the most amazing and dangerous thing in the whole world, and I’m sure the feeling is indescribable when you find the right person but unfortunately that hasn’t happened. With family, I love them like nothing else on this planet and the only girl that has a lasting place in my heart is my nana. My dad is my hero and he is the bravest and strongest man I know. My little bro is going to be a better man than I’ll ever be. I love both of my brothers, equally. My music has been my best friend since the beginning of my life it’s been there at the best of times and the worst of times and it’s definitely pulled me through some painful situations.

I still stand by everything I said in each blog and I’m proud of myself for being able to finally express myself in a way I actually found easy after not being able to do it for so many years. I’m so glad I started blogging because it’s a great outlet to get your thoughts off your chest when there’s no one else to turn to and even better when people relate.

This will be my last ‘thought’ for a while. I’m going away and I won’t be blogging, thanks for reading this and if you read my other ones thank you again. Hopefully some helped or made you laugh or even made you feel like you weren’t alone because you felt the same as me, if any of those things happened I’d be seriously delighted.

Better stop rambling, Happy May 18th everyone. Have a fantastic summer and be safe and be happy 😊

I’ve thought about this a lot the last while. When I was younger and I’d hear of murder victims families forgiving the attacker and praying for them I used to be so confused. Why the hell would you pray for someone like that and more importantly HOW could you forgive someone that hurt you that much? But now I think I finally understand. I’m not saying I’d ever forgive someone for murder, not a hope in hell, but I do understand the sentiment and I agree with it. I think you need to forgive to move on, or at least try. The bible says that we should forgive each other because none of us are without sin, and if we want to be forgiven by God we must forgive others. I’m not overly holy but I do agree with that. I believe it is the first step to being happy again, and completely moving on.

It’s an extremely hard thing to do but I think it tells a lot about someone’s heart if they are willing to forgive someone that’s hurt them. I’m not saying that you should forgive AND forget or that they deserve a 2nd, 3rd, or 100th chance and you should not forgive them every time and let them walk all over you, but forgive them for what they have done and move on. There’s many reasons why forgiveness is the answer and here’s my few, if someone has done something terrible to you they did it for a reason, they obviously don’t care for you and now at least you know. They have to live with what they did and that’s their problem not yours. They made the choice to hurt you and if that’s the kind of person they are and continue to be then holding a grudge won’t do anything except hold you back. Forgive them because they clearly have way more issues than you’ll ever have.

Whether it’s happened recently or ten years ago the pain can remain the same. In order for your own peace of mind, and a happy heart, you need to tell them that you forgive them. You may not mean it 100% and maybe you never will but it’s a step in the right direction. If you accept what they did and try get your head around it and basically say well I’ll never let that happen again but they did do that for a reason and I’ll forgive them because I am above what happened then you are on the way to moving past it. You don’t want to be held back in any part of your life because of what someone’s done to you, learn from it and try your very best move on. It’s a test of how strong your character is so show them how strong you are, and you’ll never be hurt like that again.

To be honest as I write this I have to admit I’m currently struggling myself with this concept but I’m trying my best. Things have happened in my family that I don’t think can ever be forgiven..no matter how hard I try. They’ve affected me in a really negative way and it’s too hard to forgive because if none of it ever happened my life would be so different and the fact that it could have been avoided hurts me the most. So I do know that it can be impossible to let SOME things go in case you’re reading this thinking this is bullshit. I forgive in relationships because I crave love. I’ve forgiven someone who hurt me really bad because by doing what she did I realised she wasn’t the right girl for me and I didn’t want to bring any of that extra baggage into my new relationship. I can now move on and be happy in love 😊❤️ Now my heart can be filled completely by her and not broken by people that have hurt me and that’s all anyone wants.

So finally, I do believe that forgiveness is the key to happiness but do not let people take advantage of you and abuse your kindness. God says it is the right thing to do and I agree. Yes, I do think that some things are unforgivable and I’m sure you’d agree from even just watching the news, but you know yourself what is and what’s not. Believe me, you will feel a weight off your shoulders when you realise that you need to let that grudge go and take the first step..it may take awhile for it to come full circle but by then you will have moved on and are hopefully much happier. There also might come a time in your life when you find yourself begging for someone’s forgiveness (you never know) and I’m sure you’ll be wishing they were as kind as you. Everybody makes mistakes!

This will be my last blog post, as it just hasn’t worked out for me unfortunately. Blogging was great fun to do and a great way of getting my feelings out since I have trouble actually saying it. I had goals and dreams for this year but now I’ve only one goal, to make others happy 🙂 I’m taking a break from life but I hope you liked some of my posts and thanks for reading them whoever you are, it’s much appreciated. Goodbye x

Alone..what a lovely word eh? That word can have so many meanings. You could take it literally which means you’re literally by yourself, which isn’t the worst meaning in my opinion. I think the worst meaning is when you feel it, in your own mind and your own heart, whether you’re on your own or not.

The thing is, once you feel alone, you start feeling quite helpless. How do I stop it? Why do I feel this way? I’m not on my own so how come I feel so isolated? It’s very strange and very sad. I could be surrounded by all my friends and still feel alone. I feel as though they don’t have a clue what goes on inside my head or how I really feel and I know they never will, only I will know that. I don’t think there’s any point in trying to explain whats going on in my noggin because I couldn’t put it into words anyway and nobody would want to know. It’s easier to just speak generally and not go too deep into things. It’s so weird because anyone that knows me would never think I feel the way I do or that I think about things so much. I guess its probably better that way, the less they know the better really.

I’d get some slagging’s if I ever told the lads I felt ‘alone’ haha. I’d be swiftly told to man up because obviously it is a weird thing to feel when you’re around people that are meant to make you feel comfortable.

90% of the time I don’t feel alone and I am comfortable and it’s nothing to do with the people around me it’s just down to me. Something triggers it and I suddenly snap into a little depression episode where I over think everything and I worry that I’ll even end up alone because of the way I am and no one is ever gonna really understand me and I can’t imagine someone even bothering to try understand me because my mind is fucked and it’s pretty much unfixable. So on those days I feel like it’s just best to distance myself from everyone and stay inside my own head. It drives me crazy yeah but is it not better to do that than to drive someone else crazy?

Another part I hate is you start feeling really guilty..There are so many people out there with really hard lives that have nobody, no friends or family and here I am whinging cause I feel alone. I wish it wasn’t that way and I’d snap out of it if I could and eventually I do but sometimes it is just too draining putting on the same happy goofy face all the time and acting like everything’s hunky dory when actually deep down I’m really really sad.

I’ve felt so many emotions in the last few months and I think I just overloaded and now I just feel numb. I’m sad and I’m tired of life and the things it throws at me, everyone thinks I’m really strong but does a strong man feel like this? No.

These kind of days come and go like waves, I believe you have to be sad to experience happiness and you have to be happy to know what sadness feels like, but sometimes for me it feels like it’s on an unequal scale and God gives me the smallest dose of happiness to then sink me with sadness. I don’t know if that will ever change (hopefully it will) but I’ll have to keep my chin up as much as I can and try fill the emptiness somehow.

I will always make the most of the bit of happiness that I do get and as I just said to my friend Keri, I’d give my life to be happy and maybe in 2015 things will change and the scale might be tipped towards good things, and this overwhelming feeling will be nothing but a memory and I will find the cure to feeling alone 🙂 Bit optimistic but sure its a start haha,

Something I discovered this week is you don’t need things as much as you think you need them, same goes for people.

You might think that the only way you’re going to be happy is if you’re out there making loads of money and you never have to worry.. But the thing is once you have enough money bigger worries take over and some of the happiest people in the world have very little money. Yeah obviously it would be amazing to not worry about money but because most people are in the same boat you can kinda shift your thoughts and think that there’s more to life than money and you don’t need it to be happy, some of the richest people out there could never cure their depression. Money means nothing if you have nobody left to share it with.. Family and friends are more important than money will ever be. Your health is your wealth and nobody should ever forget that!

You might think you need a certain someone to keep going on but that’s not true. You don’t need anyone but yourself and the people that make you happy, nobody else. You can love someone who makes you very unhappy but then eventually you have to decide that if there is more pain than happiness then something has to change. Your heart doesn’t deserve to always be torn apart when it could actually be put back together by someone who does really want to make you happy. You’re never going to know unless you leave that pain where it belongs because you don’t need it, nobody does. Once you figure out that you don’t need that in your life then it’s easier to move on. If you do love someone who makes you happy but they don’t love you then they’re not making you very happy are they? Don’t wait for them to maybe fall in love with you move on and find someone who really does love you. You create your own happiness and if someone seems to enjoy taking that away from you then you leave, no matter how hard it is.

You do not need hate in your heart. You’re allowed to be angry at someone or something, furious even but you need to distance yourself from that situation and let go of the hate because all it does is hold you down like an anchor. Once u let go of that hate you will feel a weight lifted and it makes room for love which is the only thing that should be in your heart in fairness. It’s easy to hate someone, they can fuck you over, treat you horribly and make you feel so little but there is literally no point in holding onto those bad feelings, let them go and let those people go, that’s the hardest part but once you do it you will notice a big difference, no matter how much you hate something or someone just let it go, it’s over, move on and learn from it as much as you can, that is one thing you DO need to do.

You don’t need drugs to have a good time and I hate Dublin today where all the young ones and fellas are doing drugs and thinking nothing of it or even worse thinking there deadly because of it. It’s very hard to come across a decent girl nowadays who isn’t into doing drugs like coke etc I’ve used drugs in the past and one thing I do know is that they don’t help the situation your trying to avoid and you shouldn’t need them. I’ve no problem with weed it doesn’t agree with some people but I wouldn’t have a problem with it but I know you shouldn’t need weed for anything, to have a good time, to sleep etc and I’m working on giving it up. I just think this idea of all these young people thinking they need hard drugs to have a good night is just fucked up and shouldn’t be happening and I might sound like a gimp to some people but honestly ask me if I care?

You don’t need people that come in and out of your life like a fucking Yo-Yo, there is no point in that so just wipe them out. They usually come back into your life when THEY need something and all you have to do is tell them to kindly f**k off 🙂 don’t let people mess you about and act like your best pal and then never hear from them again those kind of people are leeches and not worth any of your time.

For me anyway I think I only need a couple of things to be happy with my life and that’s a healthy happy family , good friends , music , and southern fried chicken 🙂 anything else is just a fucking bonus as far as I can see, I’ve wiped out the dark clouds in my life and sure it’s looking like beautiful day 🙂 glaaaack

My nana is the greatest woman I’ve ever known. It’s unbelievable the amount she has done for me throughout my life. For my whole life she has acted as my ma and my dad and she doesn’t even realise it. The reason I’m writing this is it’s nearly her 73rd birthday and she’s unwell at the minute and I’ve never really told her how much she means to me and I could write it in a little card but I know she would be delighted with me putting it up on this so here it is .. The reasons my nana is better than yours hahaha ..

1. She is always there🙂

As far back as I can remember my nana has always been a huge part of my life. The earliest memory I have of her making a huge difference was when I was about 4-5 and my ma used to go out with my brother and his dad on a Saturday and I’d be left in the gaff watching tele or whatever and they’d be gone for hours. It happened a few times until one weekend my nana and grandad came over to drop something off and saw I was there on my own all day so they decided to take me out and got me lots of stuff and vanilla ice cream. I didn’t know at the time but she decided not to tell my ma and every Saturday she would take me out and we’d go to Marley park or the zoo or just a walk and we’d always be back before anyone else got home and that carried on for a few months until my ma was single again which meant she’d be at home with my brother.

I was actually in counselling awhile ago when all of that came back to me cause I’d completely forgotten about it and I’d say my nana has too haha so thanks nana for doing that i looked forward to it every weekend. 🙂 I told my brother about that just before I wrote this and he’s going mad cause he used to hate going out with his ma and da hahah and I’d be jealous of him but there’s me actually having a better time. #FU
When I was about 10 Christmas stopped in our house cause my ma didn’t think there was any point since we knew Santa wasn’t real and stopped giving us presents but luckily my nana didn’t agree so she’d make sure me and ant got presents and she’d go out of her way to make sure we were happy and 11 years later nothings changed haha 🙂 she’s just always been there from the start looking out for me and doing way more than any nana should ..

2. She stands by you 🙂

I’m not just talking about me but she stands by everyone in my family no matter what. She’s put up with her fair share of shit but at the end of the day she’s still there. I’ve fucked up and disappointed her loads of times but somehow she still sees the good in me .. Even if there isn’t any she’ll find some!! Hahaha Obviously she gets pissed off and lectures me whenever I mess up like anybody would but she never gives up on me and I’ve broken her heart with my choices a few times but she will still always say to me after it all “you will always secretly be my favourite and I’m not going to let you down” and she tops that off with a little wink after she says that hahah my brother be snapping over that but it’s true 😉 she would stand by my brother any day of the week aswell and she’s always telling him he has a good head on his shoulders which I suppose he does even if it is slightly deformed 🙂

3. She’s Fucking Gas !

Not even messing she has me crackin up everyday of the week she has a dirtier mind than me and that’s hard!! Hahah she makes a joke out of everything and I’d say I get that from her. She acts like a young one she’d be asking all about who I’m meeting and did I get the wear haha and telling me “she’s no good” or telling me to get in there if she likes the girl haha I actually could tell her anything and not be embarrassed cause then I give her advice with her boyfriend hahaha who’s like 85 or some shit and she gets mad at him and I’m like give him a chance nana he can barely hear ya like haha I’d actually love to be like her when I’m that age she’d smoke a doobie with me no problem she says she loves having the giggles hahah she’s just so funny and she always listens to me and cheers me up it’s amazing how she still has an amazing sense of humour and sometimes we just be on the couch it’s so sad but we just tell each other shit jokes and crack up laughing were usually high which just makes it funnier hahah who the fuck smokes weed with their nana like .. She just says sure I’m old now I did it in 70s why not now hahah the fucking hippy ..

4. She never judges you

This means a lot because I know a lot of older folk judge young people on loads of things but my nana hasn’t got that mindset at all she just wants you to be happy. She wouldn’t care if I was gay or had ten kids when I was 15 she might give out a bit but she’d always support ya in the end if you were happy. She doesn’t judge anyone she’s always been a fan of my dad which has been a great help because I could tell her what the story was when there was no one else and even when he’s nothing to do with her and he didn’t treat my ma (her daughter) very well she’d always be asking after him and my little brother because she knows how much they both mean to me. I love that she always remembers what you tell her even little things that don’t even matter.

There’s so much more I could say but this is crazy long now and my nana prob fall asleep reading it hahah I just hope this puts a smile on her face and she realises what an impact she’s made on me she’s better than any other nana I know and when I move out next month I’m going to miss her so much but she’s taught me everything that I need to know from day one 🙂 and now she can actually have some sexytime with the bf without me and Anthony being round hahaha the kinky fockkk just kidding 🙂 chap would prob keel over hahaha my nana taught me all the good things I know and a lot of lessons and when I’m older I hope I pass it on to my kids .. anyways by the time she reads this on Saturday I hope she is feeling better and we be smoking a doob and sipping on Buck’s Fizz or Jameson whiskey hahah prob the last one since it is your bday 😉 laters xxxxx

Sorry if no one else cares about this but I honestly could not give a f**k hahah soz nana x