Andy Peel announced as the new James Bond

The search for the new James Bond is over, as MGM, the movie studio behind the James Bond franchise, has announced that outgoing VPSA Andy Peel will be filling the shoes of Great Britain’s most famous secret agent in his new film “Wellbeing with Love”.

Speaking to Flipside, MGM Executive Producer S. X. Jhoke, said “When he first walked into the audition room our jaws collectively dropped to the floor. He definitely has the youthful looks. He’s tall and charming but not oppressively so, and when we asked for a CV he gave us a list of his Big Cheese pulls with accompanying club photos. After that, we hired him on the spot”.

Peel in turn has offered to provide his version of James Bond with some more ‘unique’ twists that he hopes will make the character distinctly his. “I’ve asked the writers to make the character more relevant to modern audiences, so instead of running away from Spectre, Bond is trying to escape crippling student debt. Also, we’re getting rid of the Vodka Martinis and replacing them with some new drinks. If I’m playing in a high-stakes poker match, I’ll order an Ice Storm VK. If I’m trying to seduce someone, it’s straight for the Black Cherry”.

At the time of publication, neither Andy Peel nor MGM were willing to divulge whether James Bond strawpedoing would be a crucial part of the next film’s plot, but they have confirmed that he will spend at least half the film topless.

The news has disappointed outgoing VPS Urte Macikene, who had recently taken up various martial arts in order to audition for the role. Sources indicate that she is now on the warpath outside Old College where she is currently tearing down the establishment brick by brick.