The Iron Warrior

CUM Conference Catastrophe

Canadian Undergraduate Mathematics students traveled from across the country to attend the CUM Conference held at the University of Waterloo from July 6th to 10th. Little did they know what was in store for them …

This was one of the largest misunderstandings in the history of the University. Not since Water-Pew-Gate has a conspiracy like this transpired on campus. Actually, that pew logo should have been a big hint. Of course the strip club inspired branding was foreshadowing what was to “cum.”

Really, the posters should have been a giveaway. Seemingly vandalized, the torn posters were actually intentional. “We did that on purpose to give them a more rugged look to attach an edgier crowd,” says Hugh G. Rection, this year’s conference organizer.

Upon entering the conference, the innocent mathies were shocked and appalled. The first clue that something was amuck was the mysteriously dimmed lighting. Upon arriving to the third floor of MC, out-of-place red velvet curtains were visible, hung over their beloved Comfy Lounge, later to be renamed the CUM-fy lounge. After walking through the curtains, strange music became audible (bow-chicka-waow-wow).

Porn stars were all around them, as far as the eye could see. Imagine, MC just full of fake boobs and phallic imagery galore. As the stunned math student made their way through the scantily dressed crowd, they found the registration table. And, like at any good conference, they were able to pick up their delegate packages. Condoms of all varieties were included, as well as flavourful lubricants and the latest in dildo technology.

Upon speaking to Plant Ops after the conference in order to get a better idea of how this strange conference came to be on our campus, were learned that “everything went well, finished right on time but it was messy to clean up. ”