Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Greetings, Oh faithful Readers!

A 56 year old New Jersey woman was arrested after exposing herself to surveillance cameras. Apparently no one told her that auditions are over and that “Jersey Shore” has been cancelled.

A report says that three killer commando dolphins who are trained to kill with guns and knives have escaped from the Ukraine. If they get captured by Sea World, that is one show you won’t want want to have tickets for the front row.

A report says that three killer commando dolphins who are trained to kill with guns and knives have escaped from the Ukraine. Remember when it was enough to just train sea mammals to do a back flip?

A study says that Facebook can reveal secrets about people they haven’t even shared. Which means that social networks have officially taken the place of everyone’s mother.

A mortgage banker fell into a sinkhole on a golf course in St. Louis. Which means he now knows what all his clients are going through.

Afghanistan is topping the list of illegal drug producers. How bad is it when your two biggest exports are terrorists and opium?

Afghanistan is topping the list of illegal drug producers. Mostly because what else is there to do when you live in Afghanistan?

George P. Bush, nephew of George W. Bush has announced he is running for office in Texas. Apparently he wants to prove someone with the last name Bush still can be elected dog catcher.

Mississippi lawmakers are proposing an “Anti-Bloomberg” bill which would prohibit requiring food labels. It’s really unnecessary, though as most people in Mississippi would probably ignore food labels even if they could read.

Egypt has been rated in last place of 140 countries for safety and security for tourists. How bad has your country gotten when travel agencies are passing you over and selling safe travel packages to Iran?

Egypt has been rated in last place of 140 countries for safety and security for tourists. People are being warned that travel there is nothing but a Pyramid scheme.

A company has built a $100,000 car based on crowdsourcing. The problem is, once they put in a driver’s seat big enough for most Americans there won’t be enough room for anyone else.

A company has built a $100,000 car based on crowdsourcing. The hardest part was finding room for a refrigerator and microwave that didn’t get in the way of the TV.

A poll says more Americans own guns for protection than for hunting or sport. Apparently they don’t want to be caught unarmed when someone flips them off while they are driving.

The voting continues for a new Pope, with black smoke from the Sistine chimney indicating no one being chosen yet. Can’t they just use Twitter like everyone else?

The voting continues for a new Pope, with black smoke billowing from the Sistine chimney indicating no one being chosen yet. If they don’t pick a new leader soon, Al Gore is going to announce his candidacy just to stop the amount of carbon they are releasing.

Harvard and Stanford have been chosen as the top rated U.S. business schools. Apparently of all colleges surveyed they have the lowest ratio of CEO’s vs. prison inmates.

Harvard and Stanford have been chosen as the top rated U.S. business schools. Which would be great if there were only any businesses still left in the U.S.

The compensation for the CEO of Jim Beam fell to $8 Million last year. Apparently he didn’t show enough proof in his performance.

The compensation for the CEO of Jim Beam fell to $8 Million last year. At least he is still making more money than his Old Grand-dad.

Universities are piling on perks to their faculty even during tough economic times, including real estate loans and exit bonuses. Who do they think they are, Congress?

Universities are piling on perks to their faculty even during tough economic times, including real estate loans and exit bonuses. Apparently if they feel they are going to teach CEOs, they might as well act like them.

The new military medal for drone warfare that outranks some combat medals will be reviewed. Not to say that operating drones is less dangerous than combat, but remember when military exercises were more than just eight straight hours of playing Donkey Kong?

The new owner of Hostess says that Twinkies may be back on the shelves by summer. Fortunately they don’t have to ramp up production to get them back on the market. They will just pull out some of their stock still sitting around from 1957.

A survey says that airlines’ on time performance has slipped from last year. Apparently the tough economy has resulted in fewer bartenders at airport lounges and pilots are having to wait longer for their drinks.

A survey says that airlines’ on time performance has slipped from last year. Apparently it is taking airlines a bit longer to find new fees in order to take every last dime from each passenger before they board.

A report says the Koch brothers may be buying the L.A. Times. Not to actually run the newspaper, they just want to personally burn each copy coming off the presses.

Gun shops are having trouble stocking ammunition because of a shortage. It’s getting so bad that drivers in L.A. are having to go back to just flipping each other off.

Gun shops are having trouble stocking ammunition because of a shortage. Even 7-11 is having to cut their staff as none of their clerks have been shot in nearly a week.

A snafu at H&R Block has resulted in refund delays for 600,000 clients. The good news is that 200,000 of their clients will get some extra time before they are sent off to jail.

A study says that a lack of sleep along with the availability of plenty of food can lead to an unexpected weight gain. Since when in this day and age is a weight gain in someone not expected?

A study says that a lack of sleep along with the availability of plenty of food can lead to an unexpected weight gain. When there is plenty of food, you can pretty much always expect someone to gain weight.

A study says that 233 Million women may need contraception by 2015. Isn’t it time that Kevin Federline just started wearing condoms?

A study says that a single concussion can cause changes in the brain that can lead to depression. Mostly from seeing how much it cost to be treated for that concussion.

Judge Judy is being sued over some expensive dishes she is being accused of buying fraudulently. The networks are praying the case comes up before Judge Joe Brown.

Judge Judy is being sued over some expensive dishes she is being accused of buying fraudulently. Apparently Judge Judy claims she bought them to class up the show. Instead of throwing the book at defendants she would rather throw fine China.

A movie based on the ‘70s sitcom “Good Times” is in the works. Any theater showing that movie should be leveled with some well placed Dyn-O-Mite!

“Dallas” saw a season high ratings with the episode featuring J.R. Ewing’s funeral. We can only hope that it gives an idea to the producers of “The Apprentice”.

NPR is reportedly making a push to attract an under 30 audience. The only problem is finding anyone under 30 who actually has a radio.

Google has awarded bonuses totaling $15 Million to four top executives. Which is exactly what shows up when you google “completely overpaid”.

A survey says that businesses are in no hurry to put an end to telecommuting. How else are all their employees in China and India going to get anything done?

A brain comparison suggests that Neanderthals lacked social skills. Which is why you never see Sylvester Stallone being invited to Hollywood dinner parties.

A brain comparison suggests that Neanderthals had less room in their brains available for social networking. Which makes it even more amazing how so many hunter-gatherers were able to figure out Farmville.

AT&T is making another attempt to enter the telecom market in India. Apparently they are waiting to stay on the phone long enough to make a deal before the call is dropped.

Florida is considering making Daylight Saving Time permanent. Apparently they realized all their election problems were coming from counting the ballots in the dark.

Florida is considering making Daylight Saving Time permanent. Which means the sun will now be almost directly overhead while seniors are going out for dinner.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! I am going to continue to ask for donations to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation until each one of you ponies up. That could be as many as seven, but I am ready to wait. Just click on the Great Strides icon and give as much as you can in the memory of my wife Karen. It’s all you need to do to get me to send the love!