Archive of Davey Mac Reports!

It’s a very special May First Davey Mac Report and we here at EastSideDaveCountry shall congratulate our friend, Sean O, who today is having his third baby boy!! His dick must REALLY be hurting by now!!

Just shitting. Sean O and his wonderful wife are going into labor today! As a result, we will not be having our episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program (online version) this week due to babies and whatnot!! We WILL be live on Sirius XM Satellite Radio this Saturday, however, sucking and fucking the night away!!

It seems like just yesterday that I myself had two kids (a boy and a girl)…and BOY does my dick hurt!!

Just shittin’.

I love kids. What with their little hands and feet and all. They’re especially fun to roll down a hill in a pillow case while they scream, “HELLLLLLLPPPP!!!!!”

The other great thing about kids is how dumb they are. I mean, kids barely know how to multiply. Come to think of it, I barely know how to multiply, also…AND I regularly shit my pants…so I guess kids and me aren’t that different, are we?!?! Bllaaaarrrrggg!!!!

I remember when my wife was in labor with our first child, our little daughter, and she was having a difficult time…or at least that’s what the nurses told me…I can’t say I saw it first-hand…I was watching the Yankees game while eating a roast beef sub in the waiting room. Hey, I was hungry…don’t fucking judge me!!!

Babies are cute. Sometimes I would put little ski masks on my babies and go into a bank and say, “Put all your lollipops in a fucking bag…this is a robbery!!!!”

I like it when kids and small animals fight. I always put my money on the child, because ferrets have no toughness. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t tie the ferret’s hands behind his back…that’s not exactly fair.

It’s your April Twenty-Third Davey Mac Report and Chris Paul has decided that this first round series between his L.A. Clippers and the Memphis Grizzlies is HIS series, daddy…and he’s gonna give it a spanking. A nice, hard spanking that will sting for days and leave red marks all over its ass and, by God, I just realized I have NO fucking idea what the hell I’m talking about. This is why I should not mix NyQuil and DayQuil with vodka in the morning. Anyway, CP3 hit a game-winning buzzer-beater to give the Clippers the win in Game 2 of their series with Memphis, 93 to 91. While CP3 played extremely well, there was disappointment in R2D’s performance, who fell yet again in the swamp in Dagobah while surfing Luke Skywalker’s X-Wing. I don’t know what Artoo’s fucking problem is…he should know better that the only person who can properly ride a vehicle is Styles from Teen Wolf when he enjoys going van surfing. Get your shit together, Artoo, for droid’s sake!!!

The Bulls beat the Nets yesterday, 90 to 82, to tie up that series at one game apiece. Chicago is trying to win the series despite still being without the services of their former MVP point guard, Derrick Rose, who is still recovering from an injury. Look, I don’t want to be some kind of tough guy, but Rose has got to step up and get in the fucking game already. Doctors have cleared him, the team has cleared him, what the shit is he waiting for? Some sort of magical sign delivered by a giant, golden, basketball-playing cock that tells him, “Derrick, you need to be on the court. And I need to find a giant, golden pussy that I can play with.” Is THAT what you’re waiting for, Derrick? Because giant, golden genitalia members that talk do NOT exist, Derrick! If that’s what you’re waiting for, you’re gonna be waiting a long fucking time, Derrick!! You’ll be waiting longer than the time I was on acid and was waiting for a guitar-playing ice cream cake to give me a ride to 7-11!! That’s a LONG fucking time, Derrick!!

There’s a new Robert Redford-made special on the Discovery channel about the Nixon Watergate scandal called All the President’s Men Revisited, and it fucking rocks, homies. The special reunites Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, the famous journalists who unraveled the Watergate mystery with their legendary book (turned into a Hollywood film), All the President’s Men. As a top American writer, I strongly advise you taking the time to see this excellent documentary. I myself am an A-Grade investigative reporter, covering such stories as:

Who Put Poo In My Pillow Case?

The Terrible Truth of Animal Farts

Why Does My Uncle’s Toupee Smell Like Potato Chips When I Put It In The Microwave?

Why Don’t Puppets Talk When I’m Fucking Them?

The Clown Cum Scandals

and many more!!

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Jersey Mike, whose subs I just fucking love. Thank you, Jersey Mike!! I’m not sure if you’re even a real fucking person, but HOT DAMN, your roast beef with extra oil and vinegar is so delicious it makes me jizz!!

It's your April Twenty-Second Davey Mac Report and one-half of the Boston bombing asshole brothers, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, has been captured by authorities and charged in federal court with conspiring to use a weapon of mass destruction (the other half, Dzhokhar's older brother Tamerlan, was shot and killed by police). My hat is off to the Boston police and the FBI for taking these two dick-noses down. This act of terror was shocking, disgusting, and evil and I'd personallysign up to be the "Bad Cop" in any kind of "Good Cop/Bad Cop" interrogation routine that may take place with Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. As part of my technique, I will slam this fucking punk's head into the table not once...not even thrice...but TEN fucking times, a la old school WWF, when one wrestler would repeatedly smash the other's face on the turn-buckle and the crowd would yell out the number that corresponded with the amount of times this concussion-inducing move was used. Then, I shall let little animals bite Dzhokhar Tsarnaev's dick for ten, maybe fifteen minutes. Lastly, I'd piss on his face. Bad cop? Maybe. But the Dave Man has some answers to get, daddy, and I ain't holdin' back.

The NBA Playoffs started on Saturday and nothing surprising occurred. LeBron James and the Heat kicked the Bucks' asses. The Thunder fucked the shit out of the Rockets. The Dandelions succumbed to the Weeds. The Nerf-Herders crushed the Fuzzballs. The Gobots surprisingly upset the Transformers. The Poopies defeated the Pee-Pee's. And the Cocks outlasted the Cums.

Meanwhile, while the Lakers were getting manhandled by the Spurs yesterday, Kobe Bryant was at home, live-tweeting things like:

“Matador Defense on Parker. His penetration is hurting us.”

“Gotta milk Pau in the post right now and D12. Will get good looks from it.”

“Post. Post. Post.”

"Can't wait for the new @JustinBieber album so I can shove it up his ass and pull his tongue out of his fucking mouth."

"If I were to start a rock band I'd call them The Porks...and we would dress up like piggies while we played."

"Hey folks in the greater L.A. area, anyone know where I can get my rape on?"

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the Knicks' J.R. Smith, who won this year's Sixth Man of the Year award. Smith averaged 18.1 points off the bench and was an energetic catalyst all year long. Great job, J.R. In other news, my dog just puked on my slippers. Seriously. This is fucking disgusting.

It's your April Seventeenth Davey Mac Report and the sports world has lost one of its greatest voices. Pat Summerall has died at the age of 82. Summerall was most known as being one half of the greatest football (and possibly sports, in general) broadcasting teams in Summerall & (John) Madden. When I think of Pat Summerall, I think of being a kid, watching football on a late Sunday afternoon, heading into Sunday evening, with a pot roast and mashed potatoes cooking in the background. I think of older relatives yelling at the TV at some crazy play that just happened between two great teams (usually from the NFC East). I also think of wetting my pants while I was brushing my teeth...the horror of Colgate and urine simultaneously running down my legs. I furthermore think of killing my goldfish Leonard by putting him in the microwave on HIGH for nine minutes. I lastly think of accidentally farting while serving as an altar boy. God speed, Pat Summerall!!

Rumor on the street is that Phil Jackson is "itching" to get back into the NBA. I'm also itching...but mainly for chlamydia parasitic reasons. I should never take matresses that I find on the street in Hunts Point, Bronx and sleep naked on them while masturbating to I've Got Crabs magazine.

We haven't written an article since last Friday so we should probably spend a second on the Masters...

...Adam Scott won the Masters.

There.

Mike Piazza will act onstage during a performance done by the Miami City Ballet. Good for Mike. He's not embarrassed to show that he's a cultured man...a blonde high-lighted, porn mustached, perm hair-do'd, cultured man.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to the cast of HBO's Game of Thrones...if you're reading this, cast of Game of Thrones, I fucking love you people...and am seriously considering stalking you...um...forget about that last part...thanks...

Programming note for the Davey Mac Sports Program: this week's online episode will be delayed one day; which means it will be available on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes on Thursday night/Friday morning!!! See ya, homies!

It’s your April Twelfth Davey Mac Report and we have ourselves our first bench-clearing brawl, babies!! After getting hit by Dodgers pitcher Zack Greinke, Padres slugger Carlos Quentin charged the mound, starting a baseball battle that would have put most Wrestlemania’s to shame!! Greinke ended up breaking his collar bone in the melee. Dodgers manager Don Mattingly called Quentin “stupid.” And L.A. outfielder Matt Kemp nearly got into a fight with Quentin in the parking lot. Now THIS is baseball, my friends!! Let’s take out our dicks and piss on each other!! Let’s get some hot dogs and beer and force them down the throats of coma patients!! Let’s dress up as baseball mascots and rob a bank!! Let’s capture Pete Rose and tie him to a chair and cut off his ear while “Stuck In The Middle With You” plays in the background!! Let’s FUCK, daddy, it’s BASEBALL season!!

Meanwhile, the Masters has begun. Tiger Woods is four strokes back at -2 (Marc Leishman and Sergio Garcia are tied at -6). I have to say, I fucking lovethe Masters. My plans for Sunday include parking my translucent, almost ghost-like ass on the couch and watching the final round of the Masters for six straight hours. Then, my plans are to go into the Smoke Zone and enjoy some marijuana. THEN, my plans are to play my Simon & Garfunkel Live In Central Park DVD and say out loud that “I wish I could have seen that concert. Hey, we should get some beer.” And THENmy plans include me realizing that there was no one else in the room while I was speaking, and that in fact I was talking to a puppet. And puppets, dear readers, CANNOT buy beer…they don’t even carry wallets, as far as I know…

The Knicks had their 14-game win streak broken by the Bulls last night (who also ended the Heat’s 27-game win streak). Chicago beat New York in overtime- 118 to 111. I’ll tell you this- do NOT be surprised if the Bulls shock teams throughout the playoffs this year (most notably Miami), and make their way to the Finals. Also, do NOT be surprised if you see me in the Port Authority bus terminal, passed out on the bathroom floor, with poop somehow coming out of my ears, and someone having scribbled fart-face on my forehead, while teenagers take pictures of me and put those pics on the website Red-Headed-Fart-Faces.com.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to former NFL quarterback Jeff Garica, who slammed Tim Tebow and the Jets yesterday. When asked about what the Jets should do with Tebow, Garcia said: “Having Tebow there doesn’t bring anything positive. It just brings distraction.” Bam!! Tim Tebow, you just been slammed by Jeff Garcia!! Tebow, for his part, did have a rebuttal: “I’m against abortion in most cases…but I wish Jeff Garcia’s mom had taken an old, rusty pair of scissors and spiked herself in the pussy when Garica was a fetus. Is that too harsh? Maybe. But Tebow says what Tebow says. Also, I wish Garcia was eaten by squirrels.”

See you guys on Saturday for the Davey Mac Sports Program XL!! LIVE on Sirius XM Satellite Radio at 7 PM Eastern, 4 Pacific on the Opie & Anthony Channel (Sirius 206/XM 105)!! Peace!!

It’s your April Eighth Davey Mac Report and tonight is the NCAA Championship Game, dogsies, and we are as excited as a fart coming out of a butt. Louisville goes against Michigan for all the marbles, daddy. Personally, I’m pulling for Coach Pitino because I loved his performance as Phil Spector in that new HBO movie. It was awesome when Pitino was talking about producing John Lennon’s songs and shit. But, I’m still not sure that I believe Pitino when he said he didn’t shoot that woman. Oh…and also…I really liked Pitino as Big Boy in Dick Tracy.

I will say this- it is a very good omen for Pitino that on the day that his team is playing in the National Championship, he has also been inducted into the Naismith Memorial Basketball Hall of Fame. If Louisville wins tonight, that will be one HECK of a day for Pitino. Pardon my French. That kind of language was uncalled for. I should have said, “Tonight will be one jizz-slurp of a cum-tastic dick for Rick Pitino.” That’s better.

Another question that shall arise for this evening’s game is, “Will Chris Webber be in the building?” It is twenty years since Weber’s Fab Five Michigan team lost the championship to North Carolina after Webber called a timeout when his team had zero timeouts left. The mental error resulted in a technical foul that sealed up the game for Carolina. Webber has tried to distance himself from his infamous mistake by not doing interviews about the play nor appearing anywhere with the rest of the Fab Five. I, for one, think he should be there tonight. Though, in full disclosure, I do not always give the best advice. After all, I’m the same guy who convinced my friend Bucky to put a nail in his dick-hole, talked Shelley Long into leaving Cheers, and got Gordon Ramsay to put a dish on his menu called “Dave’s Pubes.”

The Davey Mac Player(s) of the Day goes to The Cuertos, my phenomenal rock band, who played on my show at Sirius XM Satellite Radio this past Saturday and fucking KILLED it. The episode is available in the Sirius XM On Demand section, so check it out!! In the meantime, I’m gonna shit. Adios!!

It’s your April Third Davey Mac Report and Rutgers men’s basketball coach, Mike Rice, has been fired after a video emerged and was aired on ESPN of Rice throwing basketballs at players, as well as shoving and kicking them. In addition to that, Rice also called his own players “faggots”, among other derogatory names. This guy is obviously a fucking asshole. Not only is his behavior reprehensible, but is he not aware that his practices are fucking filmed?! And that those films are evidence?! What a damned jack-off!! That’s the same shit that Richard Nixon egotistically ignored when he was President. While throwing around the N-word and “Jew York City”, Nixon forgot that every conversation in the Oval Office was being recordedfor fuck’s sake!! How stupid are these two dick-noses?! Rule number one in Cock-Face Behavior: if you’re going to act like a fart-head, make sure you’re not being captured on film or audio tape, you fucking idiots!! Geez, Louise!!

Shaquille O’Neal had his number 34 retired by the Lakers on Tuesday…and used that occasion to go after Dwight Howard, saying that Howard needs to “step” up, and that Howard getting 18 points a game is “not enough”, in Shaq’s opinion. Bam!! Slam!! Glam!! Jam!! Let’s be honest, Shaq HATES Dwight Howard the way I hate Ewoks. What with their little hands and trying to barbecue Han Solo, which was totally uncool. Also, the fact that they are so dim that they stupidly think that C-3P0 is a fucking god, shows you what kind of retarded fucking species those assholes are. Fuck ‘em.

I was viewing some baseball the other day and realize that Vin Scully is one of the top ten greatest people that Major League Baseball has ever produced. He was broadcasting the Dodgers-Giants game that I was watching and at the age of 85, Scully still calls a game more beautifully than any other human on the planet. The man IS baseball, for crying out loud. I wish I could be that defined with one thing in life. I suppose I would make top ten lists for greatest pants-shitters…or people most likely to put their dick on a cactus…or guys who like to lick strangers’ necks on the subway…but those aren’t exactly titles to brag about…

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to ME. I fucking deserve it and don’t you argue with me.

See you guys later! This week’s episode of the Davey Mac Sports Program (online version) is NOW up on on RiotCast.com/DaveyMac and/or iTunes!!! Check it out!! For FREE!!

It’s your April First Davey Mac Report and FUCK YEAH! It’s Opening Day, bitches!! Major League Baseball is back (as opposed to Puppet League Baseball and/or Cum-Dragon Baseball), and we are as excited as Matt Lauer at a Glib Convention. Right off the bat, the Yankees and Red Sox are playing in what could possibly be the Rivalry To Stay Out Of Last Place In The A.L. East. I’m not a pessimistic Yankees fan, but I think my team may very well have their worst season in years, and they will also probably get a strange case of baseball chlamydia, and most likely could get mangled in some horrific Yankee Train derailment disaster. Now that I think about it, maybe I AMa pessimistic Yankees fan…and a pretty shit-stained one at that!!

Damn, do I love Opening Day. Maybe not as much as crushing grapes with my dick, but I DO love Opening Day. It’s the one time of year where everyone gets a fresh start. And the Lord knows I sure could use a fresh start. Especially after I allegedly “assaulted” a third-rate Phillie Phanatic that was at my local mall. What can I say, I was drunk…and I wanted to see how many Twizzlers I could fit in that green freak’s weird nose-mouth. Fuck it.

But alas, it’s not all about baseball, my friends! Michigan, Syracuse, Louisville, and Wichita State have all advanced in the NCAA Tournament. Who did notadvance? Vomit Tech and Fart University…mainly because no schools of those names exist.

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Louisville player Kevin Ware who suffered a horrible injury yesterday in Louisville’s win against Duke. Ware jumped up, and when he came down, the mother-fucking bone popped out of his leg!! Damn!! As he was being carted off the court, he told his team-mates, “Just win the game.” That guy takes pain extremely well…much better than me, in fact. I remember once hitting my shin on the coffee table and I exclaimed to everyone in the room that I was gonna “disfigure them with sulfuric acid.” My elderly Aunt Francine was particularly upset at that…and banned me from all future Thanksgivings.

It’s your March Twenty-Sixth Davey Mac Report and damn these Miami Heat mother-fuckers are good. They’ve now won 27 straight games, just six away from the record of 33 held by the 1971-72 Lakers. A part of me hopes that they get it. It would be interesting to talk about. Another part of me hopes that they crash and burn at 32 games. That would be fun, too. Still another part of me wishes that I had a little human growing out of my left shoulder who I would call Spike. He could give me little pieces of advice and tell me if traffic is clear when I’m making a left turn. Yet another part of me hopes that someday, we’ll be able to make robots who specialize in bathing humans…because taking a shower is a real pain in the ass. A further part of me feels that if aliens ever invade the earth, maybe I can make myself some kind of male-human-sex-slave and have it filmed for a reality show on Bravo called The Real Human-Whore Of New Jersey. And a final part of me concurs with my puppet Floyd that I need to stop smoking marijuana before writing this shit.

By winning the Arnold Palmer Invitational yesterday (his third victory this year), Tiger Woods is once again ranked number one in the world. That’s much better than being number twoin the world…because that sounds like you’re ranked as “shit.” After all, that’s what number two means- POOP. I guess the phrase “number two” is also equal to a “curve ball” in baseball…but that always sounds like “poo ball” to me…which is why the curve ball is also called the “deuce.” That’s a lot of shit in professional sports. It’s downright disgusting. Actually, no, that’s not the part that’s disgusting…what’s disgusting is as I’m writing this, my dog is eating my toddler’s dirty diaper.

I’m jonesing for some March Madness right now. We have to wait until Thursday when the tournament resumes with the Sweet 16. Until then, I guess I’ll just do my same routine on non-sports days-

* Watch old Game of Thrones episodes and masturbate

* Make a bowl of microwave popcorn and jerk off on it

* Clean the garage and spank it on the air hockey table

The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Bob Dylan. Yeah, I said it. I recently purchased the ground-breaking D.A. Pennebaker Dylan documentary, Don’t Look Back, on Blu Ray and I’ve been in hog heaven…which is a weird phrase that actually, the more I think about it, disturbs me greatly. I mean, if I somehow make it to Heaven, and there is nothing but hogs there, I’ll shit.