The Calendar of Postiness

Lupe and Jack: One Man’s Attempt To Distance Himself From the Furries

January 3, 2008 — The Luigiian

Oftentimes, I think I have a great idea for an absolutely perfect blog posting, one that will make me famous throughout the Internet, one that will make people love me instantaneously, one that will make me beloved by women the world over, and that these women will spontaneously begin throwing their undergarments at me, through my computer screen. And oftentimes, my mother tells me that these ideas are absolutely terrible, and I am forced to start all over again.

This latest posting was one of those wonderful ideas. Specifically, I was going to write a review of David Hopkins’ Jack, possibly the definitive furry comic of our time, if by “definitive” you mean “perverted”, and in the case of furries this is definitely what you mean. According to Wikipedia, a furry is

“A member of the furry fandom—fans of artwork, stories, and related products (comics, movies, costumes, etc.) which feature anthropomorphic animals”.

And, naturally, anybody who has heard this story is laughing their asses off, because this is what hippies have said for years. If you hear about a hippie community, they always tell you that the hippies are “artists, artisans, intellectuals, New Age travelers, and explorers of a new kind of consciousness”. However, hippies are none of these. Hippies are people who live in Volkswagen buses and smoke illegal narcotics.

So whenever people hear about furries, they usually define them as

“People who have sex in animal costumes and draw kitties with sexy parts and start huge wars on the Internet over whether or not Krystal from Star Fox would have sex with them if they were the last nerd on Earth.”

Unfortunately, these two conflicting viewpoints on furries have reduced our beloved Internet into a giant morass of hatred and meanness, and this means that I fear retribution for Lupe. I know that many of you, when you see my adorable little wolf character and read my ridiculous postings on how I hug my little wolf dollies and write my little blog posts for my dog Sissy, just think “Oh, look at this bizarre weirdo posting his bizarro weirdo thoughts on the Internet! I should show my husband/wife/sister this unusually funny basket case of human failure!”

But unfortunately, this is not always the case. There are many people who look at Lupe, and, because they are armed with a knowledge of the Internet, think “Oh, look at this bizarre weirdo furry faggot posting his furfaggotry on the Internet! This is disgusting and I should troll him!”

And so, I came to the conclusion that I should write a review of the furries, to show the people of the Internet that I am normal, in spite of clearly liking wolves far more than the average human ever should. I fear retribution. My wolf dolls currently show no fear. In fact, they are sitting next to me as I write this.

Edit: They are so calm, they’re not even breathing.

So I decided to read Jack. It is 1135-pages long, and it usually involves the Grim Reaper and at least two other characters, and at least one of these characters has done something bad and is sent to Hell in typical Touched By an Angel fashion, except with lots more cursing and random violence and sex between animals.

And, after reading this 1135-page long comic, I decided that I would write a review on it. I thought to myself, “Surely this will show the Internet people that I am not a furry! Look at me! I am writing a five-page hateful review on a piece of furry porn! Woot!”

This was my thinking as I wrote this. And in the end, I looked at this wonderful review, and I laughed uncontrollably. I was thrilled. I had used lots of bad words that you couldn’t say in church, and I showed lots of very creepy-looking pictures from the comic that showed all kinds of violence and sex and violent sex and random death, and I thought, “This is a good thing I have written here.” And I went to sleep, and I was going to show my mother what I wrote when I woke up, and then I’d post it and I would be happy. I was going to show the Internet. I am no furry! Look at my wolf character! He is making fun of furries! See, guys? NOT A FURRY HONEST!!

And when I read this off to my mother, she seemed concerned.

“What is the matter, mom?” I asked.

And, as usual, she RUINED MY PLANS. She told me how fearful I should be, because just judging randomly from the comic I had chosen for my plans I could not tell who this man is or whether or not he was “one taco short of a combination plate” as the saying goes, and he could sic his followers on me and make my poor Lupe engage in bizarre sexual acts with his own comic characters, which would be decidedly unfunny for me and Lupe.

“Are you sure you want to post this?” she asked me. At this point, I was becoming uncertain of whether this was a good idea or not. Quite clearly, my article was funny, as it mentioned furries, and furries are always funny. Yet I did not want to go on the Internet one day and find poor Lupe wearing a French maid’s outfit or anything like that.

And so it was necessary to think for a while, which was difficult for me, as I was recovering from my dreams of posting my review and being greeted by ticker-tape parades in the streets. But I thought, and I finally decided that I would write something funny, as usual, something that nobody would ever notice, and just go back to being mild-mannered, and hope that nobody looks at Lupe and believes that I wish to have sex with him.

And, naturally, I looked back at this unfinished draft and realized that everything I have yet written has been posted to my blog for the public to see, which has probably made this a bit worse.

I don’t think I’ll be going back to reviewing Jack; I think that my first review was enough. I will probably send it to another, much better site than my own, and hope against hope that my site is not rushed by Something Awful. And, as is usual with this website, draw more Lupe comics. No, really, I actually have a storyline and everything. Considering the fact that my inspiration for Lupe came from the fur people, I think that this is quite something, French maid costume or not.