Or, as I like to call it, my annual "You need to exercise regularly, go to Weight Watchers, you would be surprised how much salt is in common food items" AND it's gonna cost you.

I like my doctor, I do. Enough to pay out the nose because she doesn't accept insurance, so my insurance company pays me back like...I dunno, $10. But normally when I go in, she actually LISTENS to me.

But not on my annual physical. Which I skipped last year because I just couldn't TAKE it; I had enough stuff going on. But this year, I've had enough little annoying age-related stuff going down that I thought it was foolish to hide.

Besides,

Besides, I have had my period for three weeks out of the last four and THAT has got to stop. Oh, the joys of middle age! Do not even START with the "oh, that's why you've been so crabby lately" jokes. See, because if that was actually true, that's stupid on your part, because now I will hunt you down and kill you.

But it's not true. I don't need an excuse to be crabby, for starters. And for seconders...that's never been an issue with me. My electric bill is usually responsible for more crab in any given day and slow drivers in the lefthand lane will make me more snappish than major gut cramps. I can HANDLE pain. Annoyances...not so much.

Okay, I guess it HAS made me crabby of late -- but that's more to having to shell out 3 TIMES the normal cash for the associated products. $7 for a box of tampons? WTF? It's a wad of cotton, for crissakes.

Anyway, smart of the (insert sneering sarcasm here and ask me about the fabulous lizards that have recently put all of us evolutionists in a twitter) intelligent designer to put my womb out of my reach or I'd reach right up there and rip it out. Actually, this is one of the few areas where there IS some intelligent design involved. Because this morning, when I was tempted to give it a try...well, you gotta pass by something else to get there and I got all distracted. And was late to the doctors.

Anyway, so despite my weight being the exact same weight (I weigh less in between often, but always manage to plump up right before I go to the doctor) as when my file was first opened at the ripe age of 35, I got treated to the "your metabolism is going to slow down (first it was going to slow down then, then at 40, then at 45, now it's going to slow down at 50) and you need to lose weight now.

Yes, well, I did lose weight and have only put it back on in the last two months thanks to crippled knees, sprained ankles, enough stress to choke a Barbary Ape, and being in the grips of the MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE monster for three weeks straight.

Honestly, that is my only "cycle" related symptom -- other than the monthly raging over the price of feminine hygiene products, which is more ritual than symptom, really. That's how I know it's coming. Suddenly I crave chocolate as much as I crave men for the rest of the month. I fantasize about Cadbury Fruit and Nut bars, imagine the mouthfeel of the Lindt milk chocolate, wish that Ritter would upgrade their chocolate, write letters to Lake Champlain begging them to make the chocolate gianduia eggs/pumpkins yearround....etc.

And, I allow myself to eat it, unlike most of the rest of the month. It's a control thing, really. My palate thinks it OWNS me. But I've spent a month in the throes of this and honestly, I have become a chocolate whore. I'm lusting after chocolates that I wouldn't normally even spare a second glance, much less pick up and pay for. And I'm embarrassed to say that I have eaten an assload of chocolate in the last month. No, really, look at my ass -- it's grown the equivalent of 6 pounds of chocolate!

Anyway. Despite the fact that my cholesterol, triglycerides and all of that are fine, I get the lecture. And then, my blood pressure comes up a little high. Now, it was normal-low three weeks ago when I was in, had the bloodwork done, etc., and has been normal-low for years. But right now, it's a little high -- mostly because I'm choking back the "did you know that it's possible to be overweight and still be healthier than a skinny person and yes, you're right, I don't have a regular exercise program, but I am more active and on a daily basis cover more ground, lift more weight than most women my age. I pace my cube for heaven's sake" lecture. Not to mention the two weeks have been near inhumanly stressful for me.

So, yes, it's slightly elevated. That's what happens when you bottle a rant. The carbonation builds, especially when you're trying to be nice to your doctor. But I lost it when the "watch your salt intake" lecture started. Yeah, actually I DO know how much sodium is in...well, everything. It's been my job for the past ten years to know exactly how much sodium my customers have been getting. I am NOT consuming too much salt!

Ahem. So much for proving that this whole "my ovaries popping eggs like they're freaking beads at Mardi Gras" thing isn't making me a little...edgy.

Re: I think it's time for one of these!

If it makes you feel any better I caught Basil trying to eat his bloody bandage that he had gotten out of his vet wrap. Now I know that if I don't muzzle him while I'm gone he'll be a tampon eater, just like Willow :-)

On the BP thing -- probably white-coat hypertension. I generally don't get it any more with my GP, because he's learned not to nag, DOES listen, and avoids things that will set me off.

My personal best was at the male-plumbing-specialist's office. 212/110. SHE almost had a stroke, just looking at the gauge. That was purely because I knew she was going to be doing rude things to me, though.