Do we really want what we ask for?

Isn’t it funny how you can think you are submitted and willingly obedient ~ until YOU are not the one calling the shots? That is what I found myself pondering this weekend as I spent the better part of Saturday afternoon pouting . Hmm, isn’t this what I’ve desired? So I will try to explain and then pose the question aloud … do we really want what we ask for?

Anyone with kids would likely agree that Halloween week is a very busy time ~ the kiddie costume parties, the class party and the actual event – and our youngest has his birthday on October 30th … so we had a lot happening in the house. Henry had a very busy week at work and stayed up working past midnight 2-3 nights. He was late to Seth’s birthday lunch andlate getting home to start trick or treating … and I thought I handled both of these situations pretty well. But then he was late coming home Friday night, which meant WE would be late getting to Maggie’s football game (she cheers). So while I didn’t go into full blown B*itch mode, I did put some distance in between us and pout for the better part of the football game. But then we went out to eat with another couple and I relaxed and things fell back into place. Sounds all good, right?

Saturday morning arrives and it’s a busy one… I am up at 7 am and barking orders at Henry to pick up kid#5, take kid#3 somewhere and don’t be late. Meanwhile, I am trying to get out the door because I am running late on my way to coach games for both the 8 and 10 year olds soccer teams. Well … I made it on time and the kids arrived at their destinations at the right time. All’s good in my world … EXCEPT Henry didn’t think so.
Fast forward to around noon … when I am asked to go to the bedroom and get prepared. “Uh… Wait me? Really, why?” I wouldn’t say I was nervous. No, more curious than anything. Well let’s just say Henry was very irritated about be blasted out of bed with a to-do list and time constraints first thing in the morning (remember that part above about working late?). What followed was an unplanned, unexpected unraveling of my pride and my control. I thought we had gotten past this point months ago – I mean I thought I’d been held accountable before. But this was the first time that it was decided and carried out by Henry without any input from me. Didn’t I like that he took control and acted like the HoH I’ve wanted?

I was really surprised how hard it was to process the encounter. I didn’t feel resentful or angry – no, I agreed with the his right at his discretion. So what was my problem? I guess more thananything we’ve done or discussed in the past 6 months Saturday firmly established our roles and drew some boundary lines with an extra thick black Sharpie.

Afterward I felt incredibly submissive and mindful of my tone and interactions with H and the kids. But unlike other times, this time I wasn’t necessarily fond of the way I felt though. And my reaction caused me to wonder if I was a fraud the last 6 months b/c I thought I was living a true submissive dynamic – but now had to question if I was only play acting. And Henry knew me so well (which is such a good thing and incredibly frustrating too). For months I’ve subtly indicated I was ready for him to take over more and assert his HoHness more. He listened and replied “I don’t want to crush you” and/or “you aren’t really ready for what you are asking for” and after Saturday I now know he was right. The punishment I received Saturday was mild. It was with the same implement we’ve used for reminder spankings (Ikea spoon) and only minimally longer. BUT … it wasn’t within my control. Hmmm, maybe the other ones weren’t either? I don’t know now.

Monday morning arrives. All is good – Henry off to work, lunches packed, kids off to school, dog ready for the groomer and the phone rings … it’s Henry. “How’s your week look?”

Me, “fine, but tomorrow morning I volunteer at son’s school, why?”

Henry “That’s what I thought – I am thinking of coming back home and taking care of our reminder app’t today – so we don’t get off track with busy days tomorrow”

Me “um, ok – sure, I guess”

Henry – “Ok, meet me upstairs in 10”

Now I am confused again. Aren’t our bi-weekly reminders supposed to be initiated by me and somewhat controlled by me? What is happening here? And just like that – 10 minutes later I received the answers to both of my questions.

If I am honest I could have/should have seen it unfold this way. I understand Henry inside and out. I know my man is thorough and patient. I know he gathers a lot of information and is slow to react. That is until he has a grasp on the information and has made sure that acting is what he really wants and/or needs to do. There is nothing in Henry’s temperament that is inconsistent with the manner in which the last 6+ months have unfolded. He’s been gathering information and processing the Intel. He’s been mulling around the pros and cons of fully embracing the role of HoH and how doing so would affect me. And on Saturday night he was ready to act. And act he did. Hmm … looks like I am on my way to living a non-fraudulent lifestyle. Happy days~ Liz

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I agree with SirQsMLB – you are growing into your role, and so is your husband. He seems to have taken ownership of his role – which is vital for him to effectively lead you and the children. Is it a little scary? You bet! We like our comfort zones, but growing as a couple means edging our way out of the comfy spot and venturing onto new ground. The best part about this phase in your growth is that it is EXCITING – as your husband takes the lead without you having to nudge him, you will have the freedom to concentrate on becoming more submissive. You will get to surprise him as much as he surprises you 🙂

You weren’t living a fraudulent lifestyle…your lifestyle is simply evolving…as all of ours do. You are growing in your submission. Your relationship is growing and strengthening and evolving. It’s hard to work through the feelings that can be evoked…it’s good to discuss and think about and mull over 🙂 Good luck!