Smoking…

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I smoked for a number of years…More than what I care to admit. But I also quit for a number of years too. Near the end of my first marriage, I started smoking again. It was what helped me drive the words out of my mouth to get a divorce. Needless to say, there is a pattern….I started smoking again and used it to drive words from my mouth again. I don’t want to say the cigarette is the cause of divorce, it is just a crutch I have used and I see the same similarities.

Well, I am still here with my 2nd husband and I admitted to him that I started smoking again. He noticed the similarities too. However, he isn’t a smoker….He drinks. (He picked up the habit from me in the beginning of our relationship but we quit a few years ago) I tried drinking when he and I were dating and have even tried to find drinks that I might like through the years. But in the end, I just don’t like drinking and how it makes me feel…I commonly will vomit and wake with a massive headache…Great way for me NOT to want to drink.

Well, once my husband learned of me smoking again, he started drinking more. So I had a choice, quit smoking or know he is going to drink more and his words and actions will get worse. Over the past week of me quiting smoking, he has worked on making things better….He has helped with the kids, lead a family meeting about chores, and even has more motivation to work our business. So, me not smoking is a good thing….Good for my health and good for our relationship. Then why am I still angry?

I haven’t smoked for over a week now. The nicotine is out of my system. The first 24 hours is the worst in making one cranky, so I kept to myself. It angered my husband and he told me that I am obviously not happy and should just leave and even told me he regretted talking me into staying….But I kept my mouth shut. Did he mean it?

The withdrawal past and I have resisted the urge to smoke knowing that if I do, he will drink liquor instead of just beer. But I am still angry. I still want a cigarette. So I still struggle in my head knowing all the above and I even get irritated at him when he leaves to get beer or goes to his mom’s room (where he would get shots of whiskey from). I don’t ask him if he got a shot or if he bought only beer….I stay in my head telling myself I can only control me.

But that’s the problem, I want to be the person that controls me, not someone else. I’m an adult but can’t make the choice to smoke to help me think and keep my head straight. Yes, that is what I do when I smoke…I chill. I found when I smoked behind his back, I didn’t have as many outbursts or my frustrations we’re easier to deal with because I would chill with a cigarette. Instead of pointing out in anger that the Dogopoloy has been sitting there for 3 days, I would smoke a cigarette and let him deal with it or find the patience to ask someone nicely to take care of it. I no longer have that crutch and am getting more irritated by the day. We had a family meeting and covered that they haven’t been doing the chores and went through the rules or expectations… They are all teens and close to being adults. I should not have so much trouble getting them to clean up after themselves…They aren’t babies anymore and their Mom HAS taught them to clean up after themselves.

So a cigarette helped. It helped me to bite my tongue and I found more patience while chilling. Not anymore.

I have to be the perfect ideal person….But it is impossible to fill and not be angry.