I'm so lost....

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I don't even know what to say. This is a long one, so bare with me. A year or so ago I came out to visit my mom for Christmas. It was the first time I'd ever been to Arizona. I knew I had family there but didn't know about my cousin. The first time I laid eyes on her I knew she was the one. Right then and there I fell for her. Now, it didn't start out so good. We were both shy people, afraid to talk to each other. We all hung out as a family going places for the week I was there. But the last day I was there, it happened. We were left alone at her house with her brothers and sister. We had finally started talking and playing around with each other. I was picking her up and carrying her around, we were very flirtatious. Now at the time, we both like each other. But being the shy people we were, we never said anything. The day I left Arizona I cried. I knew I would probably never see her again. A few days after I left, I texted my aunt and asked her if she should tell everyone I missed them ( My cousin didn't have a phone). When I got a response, it was my cousin saying she missed me too. From then on out, we texted pretty often. We started to get to know more about each other. Here's her's and mine's first mistake. I finally grew the nerve to tell her how I felt about her. At the time, I thought she was freaked out. We left that subject and moved on to Star Wars. A little while later she brought it back up and said these exact words "I do too.". At the time, I had know clue what she meant but later on she told me she was saying she liked me too and I never figured it out. :/ Now she didn't erase the message of me telling her I liked her and her mom saw it. That was the last day I texted her. A year later, my brother says our mom is going to try to get custody of him. And because of my cousin, I want to go too. So everything goes down with that, my brother backed out and I ended up moving to Arizona. The day I got here was her birthday. My aunt, her, and all her siblings came with to pick me up from the airport. When I saw her that day I was blown away. She looked even more beautiful than I remembered. Again, we hung out with the family and again we were shy to talk to each other because that was the first time we saw each other after I told her I like her. Finally, after a while we were friends. We didn't talk to each other out of the presence of our parents because they wouldn't allow it. Now since I thought she didn't like me, sophomore year of high school I got a girlfriend. Little did I know at the time she was heartbroken. The relationship with the other girl didn't last very long. Near the end of the relationship me and my cousin started secretly texting each other using iMessage over her iPod. The day I broke up with the other girl my cousin told me she liked me. Either she or I asked if we still felt the same way and we both said yes. That was the first happiest day of my life. I begged her to start dating secretly. She was terrified of getting caught. We went for about a month talking as friends until Thanksgiving break. I skipped school that day to hang out with my mom and my aunt. While they were both in the kitchen me and my cousin started playing around with each others hand. After like 5 minutes of that, we started to hold hands. I cannot explain to you how amazing I felt at that moment. It was like we were made for each other. The rest of the day we held hands when our parents weren't around. **DID I FORGET TO MENTION MY UNCLE IS A COP** After that, December rolls around and I finally convince her that we should date. At the time I didn't know she told her sister about it. Which plays a crucial role in this story, but I'll get to that. That day I could not have been happier, oh wait, I do get way happier. Later on, I convince her to sneak out and see me. It was the first time it was just us and it was amazing. After that day, every time her parents would leave her home alone I would come over. The first time that happened we kissed for the first time. It was her very first kiss so she was terrified of doing it wrong. From then on out, we texted all the time, FaceTimed, hung out. We tried to be any normal couple. Now life wasn't all flowers and roses. Towards the begging of the relationship we never fought. As we dated more it kept happening more and more. Looking at it now, I hate myself for every wrong thing I said or did. After 8 months of dating, her sister decided to rat us out to her parents. The night before it happened my cousin and I were in a huge fight. And the next morning she could text. So while I was at Walmart shopping with my big sister my mom called me and asked to speak with my sister. She told her that my other cousin told on us. My heart sunk into a pit so low it will never come back. I was so pissed of the first day. I cried, I threw stuff, I hurt myself, and I ran away for a while. My mom even threatened to send me back to live with my dad. I still hurt so much to this day. None of the pain is gone. All I have now is regret from all the bad times we had. While we were together we said we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. I know that's a little much for teenagers, but it's what we want. Something that hurts now is that I don't know if she is going to stick true to that or listen to her parents and never speak to me again. Another thing is when we were together I told her we would fight for her and my parents support. But I don't want to cause her trouble if she isn't doing just that. I am at a loss with what I am supposed to do. All I want is her. That is all I ever want. What am I supposed to do??

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Well I think you should just let things simmer down before trying to contact or talk to her again about this whole situation because you don't want to make it worse. Since you guys are still young (I'm assuming she's just as young as you) I would just focus on school for now. I would say that you guys can still secretly talk to each other but I'm afraid your family would get suspicious again and try to stop you and if your not careful enough your mom might just send you back with your dad and I can tell that you don't want that. So let things calm down with the family and if you and your cousin do try to talk again maybe you guys should just talk as cousins for now until both of you are of age.

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"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." - John 16:33

keep talking to her no mater what, and pray about her. you have something special, never give up.

?Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, ?Go, throw yourself into the sea,? and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them." - Mark 11:23

?So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." - Luke 11:9

Just go read all of Luke

God can do amazing things, letting yo and your cousin get married will be easy for Him, Just trust God and pray or keep praying

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If her your parents and her parents are not OK with your relationship with your cousin, you need to cool it between the two of you. Despite what flameshadow says, God commands children to be obedient to their parents. Do not try to sneak around with a relationship, it will only cause a lot of drama in your family. Yes, God can work miracles, but in his own time. You are still a child and are subject to your parents rules and you need to live with that. Fair or not fair, that is the way it is.

You and your cousin have had a rocky relationship and the fact that you reacted so immaturely when your relationship was 'outed' and your mom threatened to send you back to live with your dad tells me that you still have a lot of growing up to do before you are ready for the commitment of a relationship. You threw stuff, hurt yourself and ran away: these are all very worrisome and serious reactions. Hurting yourself and running away??!!

Please focus on yourself right now. Go to school everyday, get good grades and try to decide what you want to study in college. Learn how to handle disappointment and frustration more constructively. It is clear from your post that you are an intelligent young man, but you do need to learn how to control your emotions; that is a big part of learning to be a man. And if things work out with your cousin sometime down the road, she will want a man in her life, not a little boy who will throw a temper tantrum whenever he doesn't get his way.