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Monday, April 7, 2014

Rajouri Thumakda: The California Boulevard

I've heard about how as a Sardarji, there
are some very clear career choices you can make. A transportation business,
auto parts or furniture trade and opening a restaurant in Rajouri Garden are
options that top the charts. I can't speak much about the first and second
types of businesses, but I can completely vouch for the brilliance with which a
Sardarji gentleman would run a restaurant after my recent trip to The
California Boulevard in Rajouri Garden.

Located in the Rajouri Garden market, not
very far from the Bikanerwala, I stepped inside this food palace, not
having any idea about the cuisine they had to offer. Six tiles from the
Hollywood Walk of Fame and a flight of stairs later, I was welcomed into a hall
with wonderful decor, complete with a swanky red Harley Davidson, wrought iron
lamp posts and grayscale photographs of Hollywood actors adorning the walls. I
must confess though, that I was surprised to find out that despite being
managed by a Punjabi paaji, none of
the pictures had his family members photoshopped with the celebs, the bike
wasn't a Bullt and the music did not sound like Botalaan Sharab Diyan Akhaan Teriyan. So, even though I feel like
giving it a four out of five jalebis for the ambience, I give it one more and
make it a full five only because our paaji
must've had to struggle through curbing his urge to let his Punjabiness show,
and stick to the theme to the tee!

Having reached a little late for the
dinner with my friends, I was seated by the waiting staff with oodles of male
chivalry shown in the chair being pulled, napkin being placed on my lap and a
steel bowl being placed in front of me with a little tablet that looked like an
Altoid mint. The inner monologue that followed went something like this:

Wow, he pulled the chair for me! So nice!
Hehe. Totally not gay for me to think it was a nice gesture.

Must pick up the mint tablet and pop it.
What if I get lucky tonight?... Um, no wait… West Delhi, bro. Chill yo’ pants,
yo!... But, I’m actually from West Delhi too. Or is Rajinder Nagar Central
Delhi?... It’s totally Central Delhi, man!

Must. Eat. This. Mint!

No, why is this waiter pouring water over
it? What in Jazzy B’s Bapuji’s effing name are you doing, you idiot?!!

WTF! The mint is growing in size! It
looks like a frikkin’ cylinder now!... Ooooh, magic! *happy face*

Ok, why is this guy leaving this magic
shit in front of me? And WTF am I supposed to do with this now!

Oh, I think this looks like paneer. Um,
or it actually looks like a marshmallow! Is this how they make marshmallows?
How in frig did I not know that this is how they make marshmallows!

Should I eat this using my fork or just
pick it up with my fingers? This looks like a fancy place. Must totally pick it
up using the fork!... No, wait! What if I’m not supposed to eat this?

Should I ask the guy sitting next to me
about what he did with it when they did this shit in front of him? Damn, man! I
should’ve totally come on time and seen how all the other people on the table
reacted to this shit. Serves me right! Frikkin’ coming to events late, acting
like I’m totally a busy Chartered Accountant and all that jazz. Paer pe kulhaadi, yo!

Why do I frikkin’ not go to fancy
schmancy places to eat so that I know how this stuff works! Bhains ki aankh, aage se nahi jaana bloody
Pind Balluchi.

Now, I don’t know if I had involuntarily
spoken any of that aloud or the serving staff was used to this, that I had
someone from the staff run up to me and say: Sir, would you like to wipe your
hands? *gently points to the marshmallow shit* And, then it struck me! I picked
up the thing and it turned out to be a frikkin’ wet wipe shaped like a cylindrical
piece of paneer! The server totally saved me some face and I realized he was
the same guy who had pulled the chair for me. What service! *starry eyes* (And,
um, just for the record; that is totally not gay!)

The chef walked up to us in slo-mo, and
looked a lot like Rocket Singh! The fact that the chef was also a Sardarji made
the happy and gay quotient rise higher, because not just is he good looking but
he is such a good listener! So, he completely understood that I am a virgin
mojito i.e. vegetarian and non-alcoholic, and suggested some really cool things
on the menu for me to try out. I have always sworn by the mouthgasmic taste of
the dahi-bhalla chaat at Aggarwal
Sweets in Rajinder Nagar (the quality of which has gone down in the recent
past), but the Dilli Ki Chaat at The California Boulevard is wayyyyyy out of the
former’s league. So much so that if Aggarwal’s Chaat was to be called Ranveer
Singh, the one at California is Chitrangdha and a half! It’s a chaat made on a papri of paalak, crisp
and texturous, which will not just make you instantly crush over it for being
so pretty and non-messy, but also give you the oooh aaaah’s in your mouth
almost as soon as you touch the tip of your tongue to it.

My choice of drinks were the Californian
Punch and the Thai Refresher; the latter of which is a blend of kaffir lime
(which sounds kind of blasphemous), galangal (which I read as gangajal), mint
sprigs, soda and watermelon chunks. I remember going all: “OMG, this gives the
throat such a hit. I bet this is exactly what vodka tastes like! I frikkin’
bet! Oh, I feel so drunk already! What is this elixir, oh mighty lord, our
father in heaven”; hearing which my friend took a sip from my glass and shook
his head in disbelief. It’s really good apart from the fact that they put a lot
of crushed ice in your glass, so you must totally tell them not to give it to
you with ice in the first place, and then ask for it later like a badass! Or
maybe that’s just being road-chhaap because
they won’t make the drink without crushed ice. But they should totally mention
crushed ice along with the ten things they listed as ingredients on the menu.
Honesty be the best policy, yo!

The menu is not just limited to Indian
cuisine (because haha, where else is California, really?), but boasts of
Afghani, Mexican, European, Chinese, Thai and Japanese as well. Despite taking the risk of putting
food from various cultures of the world on the menu, the chef did complete justice to the authentic
taste in every item on the list; or so I like to believe because everywhay I
go, I eat the dal makhni, yo! But,
the Tandoori Badami Broccoli, the Paneer Tikka, the Pizza TCB, the Cottage
Cheese Steak, the Thai Green Curry and the Gazzak Kulfi were so beautifully
made that I could literally kiss the chef’s fingers and lick the masala off them. (So not gay! Not at all!)

All in all, I’d give the place a four out
of five jalebis because it’ll make me look like I am some real food critic who
never gives a perfect score of five. But, on second thoughts, phuck this shit!
I give it a complete five because I’ll use this review to get myself a big
discount from the owner next time, considering the number of times I’ll be
going there for dinner now! Join me? I’ll make you pay for the non-discounted
portion :)

*******

You can check out a video of the cool Magic Tablet Napkins here. Ooooh, so fancayyy!

Also, check out the restaurant's Zomato Page here, because you're just too lazy to frikkin' go on Zomato and look it up yourself.

I've been to a place where they have those magic wet tissue tablet thingies, and my reaction was almost exactly the same as yours. Weirdly, I'm pretty sure it was in Rajouri Garden, too! I don't remember which one it was... do they have these at Pirates of Grill? No, it was some other restaurant.Anyway, I have never been to The California Boulevard, but I must check it out, the next time I'm in Rajouri. I mean, the food there obviously got you excited, if your "OMG's" are any hint. Your inner foodie is most evident in this post than in any other!

You know, one of the most amazing things in each one of your posts is this signature Sarthak style spelling/pronunciation of some words. They make me chuckle in between of ear-to-ear smile reading sessions. I love it the most(not gay of course) :PAnd this review is so interesting, I'll definitely be going to this place first when/if I plan for a Rajouring dinner/lunch.And i watched the video, that friggin thing yo. i woudn't have known better than to poke it with a finger to see if it bites, had I been there :P

Unrelated,but can you give us your take on various stereotypes related to profession.That would be very interesting,your take on what we do for a living along with the punjabi attitudes towards it.Would you have liked to be a coleg professor,or a haldiram shop attendant perhaps?Give us your whacky take with doese of realism.

@@@@@ - okay! Totally worth the 6 minutes i gave to read this! And its one of my favourite places! Try their chilli mushrooms next time (i think that's what they are called), they look like chilli paneer in the shape of mushrooms, and THEY ARE AWESOME! :D

When i started reading it i thought "why the hell is this guy reviewing restaurants..that's not what i read the blog for"..but this post definitely deserves 5 jalebis.. Simply for that internal monologue..

The chef walked up to us in slo-mo, and looked a lot like Rocket Singh! It was so hilarious when I imagined... was laughing for like 10 minutes after reading this blog.. Thanks bro, you have been a inspiration to me.. well I will like if you just visit and rate/follow my blog.. http://mylifeisinnutshell.wordpress.com

It will be very big help.. Thanks to your blogs, it inspired me to start a blog..

Tanay, my man! That is extremely flattering. I just saw your blog. It looks really good and I'm glad you've started writing. However, I must suggest that you check out the blogs mentioned in the "Other Blogs" tab at the top. They're sooooo much better to take inspiration from. I am only a lowly mortal.