It’s been too long [traveling and a decision]

Take the title of today’s Thinking out loud and the post itself in a two-fold manner. For once, it’d been way too long since my last trip to Berlin. And on the other hand, I’ve finally made a commitment that took me even longer than packing up my bags to head to the capitol again. I’d better start explaninig before I’m loosing your attention at this point already. So either way: If you’re not interested in recovery rambles [it’s okay, we can still be friends] I’ll throw in some of the [half a bazillion] pictures I took on my visit to this wonderful city.

Like I mentioned before my recent travels have been much appreciated breaks from my daily grind and also helped me stress less about food. What especially my trip to Berlin did, though, was give me that final push to take a cue from Julia. If you’ve been reading for a while already you’ll have seen the many posts about recovery in my good good links. Every single one of them was further encouragement to work on recovery – yet I still found myself stuck in some state of quasi-recovery. Not delving into it and letting go of all my worries.

During the past years of writing this blog I’ve made huge progress in my recovery that I tend to overlook at times fbut luckily I have people reminding me of it. Yet I’m still far from where I want to be: Living a happy and intuitive life.

What was I or – knowing I’m not the only one here – are we waiting for? We will never feel 100 per cent sure about anything. No doubts whatsoever. Ready to dive heads-on into the unknown. No, it’s not going to happen. Or maybe one per cent of all humans can – lucky if you’re part of that minority. For the remainder of us it’s really about getting fed up with our situation and wanting to change. And long story short: I want to change things.

What was or is, really, still holding me back? Several reasons, actually and I’d be writing a short novel if I was to list all of them. Some are:

The fear of loosing all control. That’s a huge one. Have you ever wondered why those weight loss plans promising to loose x pounds in y weeks sell so well when you could just loose weight slowly but steadily by eating mindfully? Because they make a promise of control. Weight gain, on the other hand, is not predictable.

Similarly, weight loss is cheered on by society and the media while weight gain is by far not [considered] glamorous. This needs to change. If you’re [probably severely so] underweight there’s nothing happy or admirable about that and weight gain is indeed something to encourage – and celebrate.

Old habits die hard. Counting, Measuring. Stressing about exercise or lack thereof. It’s not easy to break the cycle.

The belief that I’m that rare unicorn. [This post is already getting too long so click over there for an in-depth explanation].

I know what skinny feels like and I don’t want to experience any of this anymore. I’m craving freedom. Happiness. Just living life and not planning 384550 things ahead to make sure I know what I’ll be doing/eating/how and when I’ll be exercising. Just typing it all out exhausts me and again: I’m sure others can relate.

If you’ve made it this far in today’s post: thanks for reading! My intention was to be open, maybe encourage others in the same situation and make myself accountable. Inspired by Julia, Alexa and many others I’m currently working my way up to intuitive eating along the lines of Minnie Maud. I’m not expecting this to be easy – is recovery ever? – but worth it. There’s too much proof of this to stay stuck any longer. Amanda is another huge inspiration – even if she didn’t formally follow Minnie Maud she’s been encouraging me to let go of control – and also travel! – about a million times before.

Oh and to end this on a non-recovery note: If you haven’t been to Berlin before you absolutely need to go. Whenever I visit this city it amazes me anew each time. There’s so much to see, do and explore that I’ve come to the solution I need to move there one day. Now that’s some good recovery motivation, don’t you think?! [and there I failed at truly ending on a non-recovery note …]

Happiness-inducing today: Riding my bike back home from the store, up a small hill and all of the sudden being flashed by bright warm sunlight. It made me smile. Big time.

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8 thoughts on “It’s been too long [traveling and a decision]”

Grinning from ear to ear, lady 😀 I definitely know what that quasi-recovery feels like, as I spent a good chunk of time there myself. And yeah, it’s miserable. Neither here nor there, but some kind of just barely comfortable/tolerable limbo. It’s frustrating, eh? But it was that frustration that really helped me push myself into recovery. I wanted a better life and I hated that my eating disorder wasn’t allowing me to live it. I know it’s super scary, but I promise it really does only get better ❤ Hit me up if you ever need a shoulder or an ear!

So I’m doing the happy dance. Honestly, I knew you’d come to it. It being taking that big bold step to truly reach that happy place you are SO deserving off. I can give you further testimony that its worth it – more than I ever imagined. As much as I would have liked myself to blog wholly about it and serve as encouragement..I have to admit that side is not for me. I can’t free myself fully while still reminiscing and reliving -what feels like- a previous life I’d like to forget. And oh Minnie Maud! I highly approve. While I too didn’t intentionally embark on those guidelines, I pretty much ended up doing exactly that. Resting and eating LOTS . All the best always Miss P ❤ .

I don’t think quasi-recovery/psuedo-recovery is talked about nearly enough! It’s such a hard phase to get out of. You survive but can’t thrive.
Traveling helped me so tremendously with recovery. It allowed me to LIVE and experience so much without routines to fall back on or get trapped in. I had to let go of control and I learned how to embrace that… mind you I’m still trying to do that more in my daily life.
Also, lovely photos!

I am so proud of you! Learning to trust the body is a though process and I am still in the process of leaning. So I can definitely relate. It won’t happen quickly and maybe you will have to take baby-steps but you’ll get where you want to be. A good start is definitely to picture a place where this might lead to! And as I already said, travelling has helped me a lot in the past with the letting-go part. Very proud of you my dear!