The Black Sheep

Did You Even Pass?

The season of university schooling is coming to an end, and everyone is fed up with life. However, just because you’re done with a class doesn’t mean you could be done with experiencing the pain and trauma of possibly having to take that god-awful astronomy lecture again. That being said, we have a formula that calculates if you passed that particular class that you’re worried about. Don’t fret with calculating how many times you were in class, or your GPA (D2L can’t be trusted), or the grades you got. Just choose “yes” or “no” to the following questions, and discover your academic fate.

Do you have a balanced breakfast every morning?

Yes -- I’ll drink coffee and have some leftover kit kats from Halloweekend if that’s what you mean.

No -- only the weak need sustenance in the morning. Try me at noon in Alfred Packer for a super-lunch.

Correct!

Wrong!

-

Is your mom a hypocritical woman?

Yes -- she always tells me to watch my drinking but I find her on the couch with an empty wine bottle and VH1 playing in the background.

No, I respect her like I respect Ralphie- always.

Correct!

Wrong!

-

Has someone ever told you you’re “an idiot?”

Yes -- only after that one time I failed a test on adderall.

I have a 3.7, I’m part of the Evans Scholar Program, and my spirit animal is Albert Einstein so what do you think?

Correct!

Wrong!

-

Have you ever wanted to “Live like Larry?”

Yes -- Larry is the only positive influence in Spongebob, living like him is all I have ever wanted.

No -- Larry is great, but also a roid-raged Lobster that misses leg day so yeah, I’ll pass.

Correct!

Wrong!

-

Have you at any point biked around campus in the dark and stolen signs from Hale, Porter, or Duane, drunk as a skunk?

Yes -- What else am I supposed to do on a Saturday night?

No -- Im more into taking 13 shots back-to-back and passing out in a Cosmo's coma on my couch.