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2004-02-03 Miscellaneous Dislikes

The other evening I emptied out my bulging bag of receipt s onto the dining-room table. As I stared down suicidally at skillions of scrunched-up scraps of paper, all waiting patiently for me to put them in chronological order and staple them neatly to A4 sheets, it brought to mind the other things in my life which bore me stupid, irritate me or even make me physically ill.

Leaving aside my foremost miscellaneous dislikes, those issues that actually affect the world we live in, I rapidly realised there were lots of annoying little things that constantly niggle at me.

As you have guessed, or may already know, doing my accounts is top of my mind-numbingly-boring tasks list, with ironing coming in as a close second. And are there still peopleout there who admit to ironing socks and underwear? Surely not. A creased shirt is inexcusable, but surely knicker creases can be forgiven, or are they a passion-killer?

The older I get, the more irritated by other peoples behaviour I become. Bad time-keeping is something that tends to annoy me more and more. I have always felt that if I make the effort to be somewhere at a certain time, then the other party ought to comply and be punctual too. Sorry, I just couldnt get it together this morning is an excuse which I entertain less and less.

Being patronised is something I now absolutely refuse to tolerate. Perhaps I suffer from an intellectual complex a common tenor complaint but if I am in the company of very opinionated people I simply switch off, or better still feck off. And whatabout those peoplewho give running commentaries during films? At the climax of a thriller, that voice coming from behind you Oh God, whats he doing? Is he gonna kill her? Oh God, I cant look!. Well if you cant look, at least be quiet, or getout! And speaking of films, please spare me from Sci-fi and Trekkies.

Something which does not exactly threaten me, but which I fail to get my mind around, is the attraction of train-spotting. When I lived in London, I passed through Englands busiest railway station - Clapham Junction on an almost daily basis, and without fail, there was always a handful of anoraked individuals with notepads doing a spot of light trainspotting. I mean, each to their own, but what is it with this pastime? A word of advice by the way, trainspotting doesnt really work on the Sligo Dublin line! Still on the subject of travel, everything about Heathrow airport now makes me want to change my travel plans in order to avoid those guaranteed delays, the marathon (almost racist) hike to the Irish terminal (go on, make them Paddies walk!), the mile-long queues - everything that makes Heathrow my least favourite airport in the world (with Los Angeles taking second prize).

As I am undoubtedly the worlds worst patient, having a cold, cough or worse still flu brings me plummeting to my lowest ebb. In the realm of food, popcorn makes me wretch, and offal makes me wretched. The very thought of the function of kidneys and livers, coupled with their unique intestinal texture has always scared me off. I dont want an organ that once distilled wee-wee perched precariously on my tossed salad.

And speaking of the disgusting, as a devoted animal-lover, I feel I can can accuse God of making one mistake, and thus hereby deem rats an accident of creation. Apart from bees, most insects seem to have little or no purpose in life, but everything about rats is evil, dirty and vile.

Musically, there are many styles I can happily switch off, but there are only one or two which offend me. Come on, what is it with rap? Opera employs a similar sort of speech-song called recitative, but I cant envisage recitatives making it into the Top 20.

Finally, I am not somebody who has a problem with finger-nails scratching down a blackboard, but I cannot bear stainless steel scraping against stainless steel. I am going to stop now before I start to disclose such things as my discomfort when a teapot spout is facing me. Otherwise you might think me totally weird.