As the days heat up and we rapidly approach the official start of summer (see: the crown of frizz now living along my hairline), I’ve stumbled across parents who are dead set against their daughters wearing bikinis. As a girl mom and a woman, I was intrigued. Is belly flesh really that scandalous? What makes bikinis so different and so much less appropriate than their one-piece counterparts? I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around it, but I needed to. The deeper I dug, though, the more pissed off I got.

The basic motivation behind a bikini ban is good: parents (usually fathers) feel they are in some way protecting their daughters by not allowing them to show their bellies. Now, I can totally get behind the idea of protecting my babies. There is no mama bear fiercer than I am. But can we take a second to acknowledge how completely fucked up that logic is?

This post is sponsored by Tobacco Free New York State. All opinions are my own.

I have always thought smoking is disgusting. I remember sitting in the back of a limo on the way to a bar mitzvah in middle school and watching one of my classmates pull a pack of cigarettes out of her sequined purse, as if she was the coolest thing since roll-on body glitter. She lit one, cracking the window and puffing outside while giggling like a fiend and no doubt feeling like a total bad ass. She passed it around and some of our friends took a puff, while others pretended to look through her as if they had no idea what was happening.

I was one of the latter.

The idea of inhaling poisonous fumes combined with the amount of trouble I would get into if I was caught was way too much for me. I would have been happy to melt right into the slippery leather seats.

Top baby brands attending include:

New York Baby Show guest speakers include:

Jamie Grayson (aka The Baby Guy) is the show’s keynote speaker. Hugely popular on Facebook, Jamie is a straight talking baby gear expert who will make you laugh while educating you at the same time. Also speaking is Dr. Harvey Karp, a pediatrician and child development expert who is the creator and author of the books and DVDs series “The Happiest Baby On The Block” and “The Happiest Toddler on the Block.”

I was already sweating. Crammed in between chairs and dodging elbows attached to scissor wielding hands that were dancing around wet heads, I didn’t have space to take off my jacket or my huge scarf. So I stood there, smiling at the reflection of my daughter. She was silently cringing as a stranger brushed her hair, which was a hilarious contrast to the seemingly uncontrollable screeches I got treated to when I did the same thing. I caught her eye and smiled at her before getting sucked in to the conversation happening next to me.

“So you’re watching the kids today, eh?”

A small Italian man with a big New York City accent was snipping away at another man’s head, the guy’s newly shorn sons wrestling in a chair nearby.

“Giving the wife a break?”

That’s all it took. Frustration and rage boiled up inside of me until I felt like a kettle on the verge of shrieking. I felt my face become tomato red as the two men chuckled and shrugged as if they each understood what it was like to have to take one for the team.

Forget the tiger stripes on your belly and that weird droopy pancake thing your boobs are doing now. Having a baby doesn’t just rock your body. It rocks your whole entire world. I mean, if being in charge of keeping a helpless little human alive doesn’t fill you with pure terror, I’m pretty sure nothing will.

Luckily, there have been one or two people before you who have embarked on this whole parenting adventure. And—better yet—there are some pretty famous parents who have shared hilariously relatable thoughts on parenting.

Meet the Momma!

Hi, I'm Jen! I'm a mom and I'm not perfect. In fact, sometimes I'm just a hot mess. I tackle problems that real moms struggle with while making you laugh and feel less alone... and encouraging you to hide in the closet and eat chocolate whenever necessary.

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