Monday, July 25, 2011

Trust..

"Don’t let anyone ever promise you that they won’t hurt you, because at one time or another, it will happen. the real promise is that the time you spend together will be worth the pain..."

So my husband has a friend. She happens to be female. He doesn't see her often, but on occasion he hangs out with her, to catch up. maybe twice a year...

so far, he has lied to me about this, twice..the first time, he didn't tell me, and his brother happened to mention it to me by accident that he had gone to hang out with her. I confronted him about it, and he admitted it. Saying that he didn't tell me because he knew I would be upset. I explained VERY clearly, that I was upset because he lied, not because he saw her. She's a friend, and I trusted him completely. I still trust that he would never cheat on me.

unfortunately, on thursday night, he told me was going to hang out with "the guys" and then I discovered a text from him to this same girl thanking her for dinner. I confronted him, and he got mad at me!

he said he was going to tell me, but thought that I would be mad. I reminded him of the promise he made..and the promise that I made to leave if he betrayed my trust again... and then I wrote him this letter.

A lie of omission is still a lie. It hurts just as much, whether you mean it to or not. If you weren't doing something wrong, you wouldn't have kept it from me.

To lie by omission is to remain silent and thereby withhold from someone else a vital piece (or pieces) of information. The silence is deceptive in that it gives a false impression to the person from whom the information was withheld. It subverts the truth; it is a way to manipulate someone into altering their behaviour to suit the desire of the person who intentionally withheld the vital information; and, most importantly, it's a gross violation of another person's right of self-determination.

Four times (three in the past year) you have lied to me about spending time with a woman. I have told you, on numerous occasions, and each time that I've caught you in a lie, that all I need is for you to be honest with me so that I can react accordingly, it is not up to you to decide what my reaction would be.

If you cannot be honest with me, then we will not work. Against my better judgement, I didn't leave today. Believe me, I wanted to, but I have more than just myself to worry about now.

You broke my heart. I need you to understand that and the gravity of it. I feel like you ripped the happy part out of my life and replaced it with pain, this can't be fixed overnight. I can forgive you.. again.. but I can't forget this. if you can't learn that this is unacceptable and you do it again, I will leave. I won't live with someone that I cannot trust, and I won't allow my child to be raised in a dishonest home.

From this point forward (and I have no idea for how long) I will not be okay with you spending time "with your friends", because they were used as an excuse for you to sneak off and see a woman. Friend or not, the fact that you weren't able to tell me, shows that you were being deceptive and for that reason alone, I am upset. This is not to say you can't hang out with them, but I expect honesty, and I will be honest about my feelings about it in return. You can have friends, you can have friends that are women, you cannot lie to me about them, ever.

Trust is earned, and each time I think I'm beginning to trust you again, and not worry each and every time you go out for the night, you betray my trust again, hurting me more deeply, and making it that much harder to trust you going forward. I never thought that you would hurt me like this, and now that you continue to do it, all I can do is plan for the next inevitable time, when I will be forced to leave.

I love you, with all of my heart, and although I wouldn't want to leave, I can't live worrying day to day about whether or not you're being honest with me. I won't allow my child to watch us live like that, letting her think that it's ok for a man to lie to his wife. I won't let her think that this type of disrespect is acceptable, because I never want her to feel this kind of pain. I love you, which is why I'm still here. I want us to be happy together. If you're willing to try.

He read the letter and cried. He seemed completely remorseful and has promised that it won't happen again, ensuring me that if he wants to go and hang out with her, he will discuss it with me beforehand.

I have no idea what he could possibly do to regain my trust, and I'm pretty sure he will just have to be incredibly open and honest with me until I'm able to trust him fully again. right now.. it just hurts.