advanced nescience for dummies; intellectual candy for your inner child if you'll just hop into the white van. Sorry Charlie, we want wisdom that's perverse, not perverts who are wise, although we'll probably take what we can get, as will Starkist now that there are no tuna, but that's a digression

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For an extensive list of plot borrowings other similarities between Seinfeld and The Andy Griffith Show, see my January post: https://pervertedwisdom.com/2017/01/10/seinfeld-andy-griffith-similarities/

Secret surveillance recordings from Stephen Collins’ disgruntled wife show him boinking an underage-looking girl with a spuriously coincidental resemblance to the actress Keri Russell. Repeat: the coincidental nature of the resemblance to Keri Russell is entirely spurious.

Stephen Collins as the lucky perv and Keri Russell as the high school student in love with her molester, in The Babysitter’s Seduction

Next installment: secret surveillance footage of Stephen Collins leching out while a young woman pretending to be his daughter twerks for him.

The new sexiest cultural position has got to be the Female Paranormal Investigator (PILFs).

Kris Williams (Ghost Hunters) and Jael de Pardo (Fact or Faked)

I just love it when they walk around in the dark in infrared-invisible white shirts looking for EVPs–ectoplasmic virtual penetrations or something.

These are like NILFs from beyond the grave–no way a normal newswoman could compete with those sexy credentials!

Jael de Pardo getting to the bottom of the mermaid mystery

My favorite episode is the one in the Haunted Hooters restaurant from Daytona Beach. Mysterious nipple-hardening breezes keep wafting down from out-of-control air-conditioning ducts. And it’s all caught on tape!

The Haunted Sorority House Slumber Party is another great episode–especially the part where Kris Williams gets a scalp-full of ecto-jizz wearing a re-enactment nightie.

Face it, it’s comforting to know that there’s something beyond the grave, and that even when you’re dead hot women still might wanna talk to you even though you are definitely creepy by that point if you weren’t already.

NILF-appeal, as discussed in February (see below), is the pleasing incongruity of important current information delivered with visual hotness. But PILF-appeal is the further incongruity of philosophically-significant information delivered via hotness.

Caption: “Am I making fun of you, ha-ardly my de-ear. I was New-w-w England prep before your fa-amily got here. Call me when the DARrrrr lets you in.”

Obama and Spock Bore the Shit Out of Us with their Reasonableness

Obama: “It’s fascinating, really.”

Spock: “Quite fascinating, Commander.”

Obama: “Of course, a lot depends on your perspective.”

Spock: “Naturally. But it remains interesting from many perspectives.”

Obama: “Get me Netanyahu on the phone, Spock, we need to share this insight with him.”

Spock: “That would be highly illogical, Commander, but I will place the call, unless you prefer to communicate via mind-meld.”

Obama: “Oh God no! Now that would be highly illogical!”

Spock: “My repressed human half finds that amusing, Commander.”

Obama: “My repressed black half has a million of em.”

Bill O’Reilly and his North Korean clone:

“No, you a pindot!”

“It’s pin-head!”

“You just call yourself pin-head!”

“Cut his mike!”

“Cut his mike!”

“Cut his mike!”

“Cut his frukking mike!!!”

Etc.

Barry White and Henry Kissinger Discuss “Diplomacy” ( ;

[Photo shows garbled, unintelligible symbols in the dialog baloons]

Fortunately, the new Guttural Translator 3000 can convert most of their grunts and growls into actual human speech:

Kissinger: I’m sorry Barry but I think I could do a much better job singing Lou Rawl’s “You’ll Never Find” and he’s already offered me much better terms—

White: Hey, I hear you man, it’s no thing, just some white agents’ fantasy that ain’t gonna happen. I told him Can’t Get Enough is too exuberant for your downbeat style—but you should definitely do Lou’s song, brother, you would rip that piece up! Think of the money.”

Kissinger: I don’t care about money. Would it increase my power and awesome legacy?

STRONGER than regular marijuana—a chemical fact!The secret social experiment is over—fake weed has been legal everywhere in Florida for several years now 🙂 and the results are in:

Despite a sharp recession (2007-2011), violent crime rates (murder, rape, assault) in Florida are DOWN! Vehicle accidents—DOWN! Job-related injuries—DOWN! (Ok, I made up the last one, but the others are true and this one is probably true also).

Moreover, criminal stupidity and forgetfulness is WAY UP, providing invaluable assistance to law enforcement efforts!

The negative side? Non-lethal freak-outs are also WAY UP!!! (‘Tis a small price to pay, no?)

Knowledge of these fake cannabinoids can help explain a lot of recent high-profile freak-outs:

The film director Jason Russell (Kony 2012), who freaked out naked in the streets of LA was obviously upset that regular marijuana no longer works after you’ve smoked the fake for a while. I had a very similar reaction myself but got over it when I realized that the fake is much better 🙂

And much better means MUCH MORE FREAKY!!! Mu-wa-ha-ha-ha (cough, hack) ha…ahem…

For people who can’t handle the negative introspective thoughts of a so-called “bad” marijuana “trip” (although it’s actually mental growth when confronted head-on if you’re not an egotistical weakling about it): STAY AWAY FROM THE FAKE! Stay away so the price stays low!

You name the news event, and I can tell you which fake weed was involved:

George Zimmerman had obviously smoked some PANIC. IF we can believe Zimmerman’s description of Trayvon’s behavior (walking around in the rain, looking at stuff) then Trayvon had probably just finished a joint of RELAXINOL and flicked the roach away before being assaulted by Zimmerman.

The Afghanistan massacre sounds like the work of Headhunter–

a fake weed product any 18 year old can buy at non-corporate gas stations often run by people of south Asian ancestry (my new favorite ethnic group). A little RELAXINOL mixed in to Robert Bales’ hookah might have prevented this tragic international incident.

Now the two airline incidents sound like the work of the best fake weed product out there—Down 2 Earth.

The name is apt—when this stuff kicks in, you’ll want to be down to earth when it happens, you do NOT want to be at 30,000 feet. So if you have to make up crazy shit about 9-11 in order to get the plane down to earth, so be it. This stuff is that good!

In conclusion (because I’d hate to just trail off like a stoner), the fact that there are potentially hundreds or THOUSANDS of fake cannabinoids yet to be discovered and understood and made illegal underscores yet again the necessity of legalizing real marijuana, which is really rather tame compared to these synthetics (trust me on this).

Jung’s genius was too far in advance of his times–the Katzenjammer Kids are not really the cosmic archetype of humanity that Jung held them to be. Today we know that the KJ Kidz are just archetypes of happy-go-lucky people too young to know that they will grow up to fight for Hitler.

Jung’s other big mistake was that Hedy Lamarr was not that hot.

Then again, maybe Jung was on to something…

But Jung’s basic idea has regained credibility as we develop better archetypes and as we learn the algebra by which these archetypes can be combined to provide more accurate and dynamic psychological representations. Politics, and our “political personality,” being a caricature of reality (a really bad one), are especially reducible to a few fundamental archetypes:

Conservative utopia =

PLUS

Tea Party vision of Utopia =

PLUS

Liberal worldview (Being more complicated than conservatives, it takes three TV shows to encapsulate the liberal worldview, not just two):

PLUS PLUS

Feminist =

PLUS

Radical Feminist = Just Xena

Moderates: You might think they would be even more complicated than liberals, but they too can be summarized in just one TV show: Seinfeld. “Good luck with allthat in 2012!”

[pics of Romney’s head atop archetypical specimens from human evolution]

Australopithemitt:We bought out the chimps, downsized their stupid trees, and then fired their lazy asses. I love being able to fire chimps, don’t you?

Not-Homo-at-All Mittwreckedus:You can’t blame us for outcompeting the Australopithemitts, we all ran out of chimps.

Archaic Homo (ok a little) Sapiens:All we’ve done is take the competitve spirit of our ancestors and applied it to our cousins, the Homo Mittwreckedus–“Not homo! At all!”Ok, not homo, just pretty-mouthed.“Hey!”

Eurasian side-shoot: the Mittromneythals:Our early pioneer ancestors came out of the fertile plains of Asia Minor into the wild wastes of Europe and said This is the place! That’s an inside joke, ha ha ha…

Fully Modern Romneyman:I’m not gonna apologize for my wealth. And since wealth requires poor people to work for it, I’m not going to apologize for anyone’s poverty either.I’m also not going to apologize for America. What trail of tears? What Mormon persecutions? America has nothing to be sorry for the way it treated Mormons, Indians, blacks, women, nothing at all–just ask Sean Hannity–actually, I’ll have my people have him ask me that himself when I do my only interview later next month…

Next stop: Romneybots vs. Mittdroids in the Giant Waste of Galactic Resources in Pointless Pursuit of Galactic Dominance Over Resources!

(redundant text for google)
From Television to its Long-Lost Viewers: Come back, hither, away from that fucking internet!
Barbara Eden for TV: “See you can’t get this kind of shit on the internet, and even if you could, it wouldn’t make sense without a lot of TV!”
Old fashioned bitch-slap scene: “Get your ass back in front of the TV” (spoken by the Powers that be)
Barbara Eden (as the American public): “I can’t take the ads and the lack of actual sex anymore!”
America, we’ve heard your input so we’re bringing back bitch-slaps to television!

(redundant text for google):
Newswire: No charges will be filed against the American Airlines flight attendant whose recent outburst caused the flight to be turned around and landed. Witnesses say the flight attendant screamed in a “demonic” voice about an imminent danger to the plane and made references to 9-11.
QUESTION: What if it had been a dude?
Male flight attendant: This plane is going down! You’re all gonna die! Remember 9/11?”
Newswire: No charges will be filed against the passengers who KILLED a deranged flight attendant who would not stop screaming about an imminent 9-11 danger to the flight and everyone aboard.
A few passengers spoke afterwards: “See, we don’t need no stinking air marshalls.”

In a secret, naughty corner of the Library of Congress where the archivists will make out with you if you catch them in a good mood, there is a collection of pornographic material collected from various US presidents after they left office or by their mother when they were outdoors, however briefly.

Remember, these are just the samples that happened to survive and get archived–scholars debate how representative each sample is of the larger corpus of porn that each of these pervy presidents undoubtedly collected and cherished. Scholars agree, however, that most of this stuff is pretty good.

George Washington: used to read The Song of Solomon from the Bible to get himself in the mood to bang Martha. His favorite part was Chapter 7, despite all the mixed metaphors:

“Thy two breasts are like two young roes that are twins…This thy stature is like to a palm tree, and thy breasts to clusters of grapes. I said, I will up to the palm tree, I will take hold of the boughs thereof: now also thy breasts shall be as clusters of the vine…”

Abraham Lincoln: had an advance copy of Mandingo. A very advanced copy! He wrote it.(Doris Kearns Goodwin proved that ‘Kyle Onstott” was Lincoln’s porno-pen-name. Doris’ porno pen name is Erica Jong.)

Theodore Roosevelt: The old Rough Rider just loved the female underwear section of the Sears & Roebuck catalogue. Presidential vignette:

“Honey, why are these pages stuck together?”

“Shut up, bitch.” A lesser man would have crumbled!

Here’s where presidential biographies can be really instructive to future generations of young wives and mothers: if you find the pages of a magazine stuck together, unless it’s American Girl Doll catalogues or autopsy photos, you’re better off not even mentioning it.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt: After he died, they found this in his desk:Wheelchair sex positions

Historians are convinced: had FDR and his wicked-cool bisexual wife lived long enough, they’da been mad spaz for sure. The scratchy 78 rpm phonograph recordings of Franklin and Eleanor really don’t do them justice. “…[static]… You have nothing to fear except too much sex! [record skips] accept too much sex! accept too much sex! [etc.]”

John F. Kennedy: Secret 16mm films by Zapruder’s shrewder tutor, Judah Hoffengruber, of JFK banging Marilyn, a couple interns, some friends’ wives, some high-class hookers, and a really good-looking gay guy when JFK’s back-pain medicine interacted with “some” alcohol, making the whole episode a “pharmaceutically gay” encounter, and not actual gay sex. Technically… It just looks like gay sex, although, in his defense, JFK did manage to stay on top throughout most of it.

Richard Nixon: had the first ever looped video clip for pornographic or prurient interest: Goldie Hawn in her underwear-outfit-thing from Laugh-In saying “Sock it to me!” over and over, sometimes in slow motion. Presidential vignette from tape #230,580 of the not-so-secret presidential recordings:

“Henry, can the people at State superimpose a picture of say, a cucumber, on the part where Goldie says ‘Me!”

“Vee ahrr vorrrrking on daaat aber es ist nicht–“

“Henry, could you speak into the microphone of history when you talk? And could you drop the extra thick German accent you use in your public schtick–is that the word–schtick?”

Jimmy Carter: Gave an interview to Playboy just so he could have an excuse to have a copy of Playboy laying around the bedroom night table. Hefner repayed Carter by having an extra fine centerfold model that month. Presidential vignette:

Bill Clinton: Life-long subscriber to Butterface Magazine. When feeling extra skanky, he would check out the pages of If It Moves. The poor man–little does he realize that all of his paramours and all of his conquests and all of his cleaning ladies have saved ALL of his semen stains, even the paper towels, and that Julian Assange is teaming up with Linda Tripp to dump all 700,000 of them into the public domain, which is where Bill likes to circulate his stuff anyway. Did I start that sentence with “poor Bill”? As usual, I meant poor Hillary.

George W. Bush (2000-2008): Had a looped clip of Condoleezza Rice in a TV interview referring to Bush as “my husband.” Also purchased Khadaffi’s Condy scrap-book on ebay (“Wish I had thought of that.”), but that was in his post-presidency, of course (yesterday). Bush’s proclivities towards autoerotic asphyxiation using pretzels remains classified information, the disclosure of which is punishible by erotic asphyxiation–well, erotic for the sick sadist goons the Bush family normally hires for such “clean-up jobs.”

George H. W. Bush (1988-1992): Looped clip of a young Condoleezza Rice accidentally referring to Bush (senior) as her daddy. Presidential vignette: “Ohhhhhhhhh, this is not going to be (grunt)PRUDENT!!! …ahh…”