Thursday, October 8, 2015

Almost Tuesday: The Feline/Gun Solution

Our latest show. It was a last minute change, but in light of the Thursday tragedy, I Came up with a solution that would finally help this glut of guns and unfettered access.

CHRIS: Well, I wanted to talk about Dr. Ben Carson, but as you know, last Thursday, there was another mass shooting, and 10 people died, and 17 were injured.

WOODY: I know. It’s crazy. The year is not over, and we’re up to 294 people murdered by mass shootings, and it’s only October!

CHRIS: In total, gun deaths this year are up to over 8,500. That is 5,000 more than terrorist deaths in the US since 1970. That’s more than how many soldiers died in Iraq and Afghanistan since 2001.

WOODY: The sad thing is that no one seems to want to do anything about it. Lawmakers are too scared of the NRA to take any action, and citizens polarize themselves into two buckets: either “ban all guns and melt them down” or “Have so many guns we’ll make Rambo look like a hippie”.

CHRIS: I have an idea that might get EVERYONE on the same page.

WOODY: That’s impossible! Getting all those groups together is like mixing oil and water and anti-matter! The room would look like one of those cartoon fight clouds with the fists and feet flying.

CHRIS: That’s why this plan needs a little bit of easing into. First, we all have to do the obligatory cycle of throwing the mentally ill under the bus.

WOODY: I think we’re in that cycle now. Everyone is talking about mental illness and ignoring that most gun deaths are done by people who have never been diagnosed with anything. It’s usually domestic violence.

CHRIS: Yes. So the first step is in full effect. The next step is to make a lot of dumb statements like, “The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun.”

WOODY: Ugh…You know the heroes of most of the mass shootings were unarmed? That statement is ridiculous.

CHRIS: The more ridiculous, the better. Here’s another one: “An armed society is a polite society.”

WOODY: THAT’S EVEN DUMBER! An armed society is a SCARED society, because they’re afraid everyone will shoot them for a minor misunderstanding!

CHRIS: STOP MAKING SENSE, WOODY! This is not how it goes! We need to get these dumb phrases out there, or else people will start thinking critically before the end of the plan!

WOODY: It just sounds like these people would prevent forest fires by setting even more fires.

CHRIS: …Pretty much. But don’t worry. The next step is a little bit better. We need to pretend that the word “control” means “prohibition”. That way, any talk of legislation will be met with unreasonably violent resistance.

WOODY: But then we can’t have a rational conversation about gun control. That doesn’t sound like a good idea.

CHRIS: It’s a TERRIBLE idea, but it’s necessary. Everything else is heavily regulated. You need to take a driving class and have hours of road time logged to get a driving license. You go through 3 background checks and usually get monitored for months before you can adopt a kid, but you can go to a convention center and pick up a semi-automatic with 100-round belt clip in five minutes. We need to keep up that trend for a little bit longer.

WOODY: I really don’t see how this will untie people.

CHRIS: That’s because I didn’t get to the last step. It will require about 20% of the population. We send leather jackets, berets, and AR-15 rifles to every law-abiding black and brown person in the country.

WOODY: Wait, what?

CHRIS: Every day for about a year, they dress in the jackets and berets, rifles strapped to our backs, and just walk in formation down large public streets.

WOODY: Um…

CHRIS: One person can carry a flag with a wild cat, maybe a lynx or and ocelot or something.

WOODY: Um…or maybe a panther?

CHRIS: YES! That’s brilliant, Woody! The first time the NRA and most of the government agreed on stricter gun control, a lot of black guys in major cities were taking advantage of the First and Second Amendment by donning leather jackets, carrying around assault rifles, and carrying flags with panthers on them.

WOODY: I’m not comfortable with this at all…

CHRIS: See! It’s working already! People are really scared of cats!

WOODY: I don’t think it was the cats…

CHRIS: It’s gotta be the cats! Everyone was on the same page! They ALL wanted to take down all those cat posters and keep tight controls on guns, out of their fear of these armed black people, and their love of large cats! It was so bad, there were fights with authorities. Some of the cat-lovers left the country to live in Cuba and Guinea! We need to recreate what happened in the 1960s. I guarantee that people will unite to start passing comprehensive gun control laws, and the nation will be safer for it.

WOODY: You know what? You might be right. But why would people be so afraid of black and brown people’s love of cats? That doesn’t make much sense.