Awwww, poor Radesh!! That last sentence practically made me cry! I agree with Luthy, you did a great job with the action! It definitely made me want to read on--I ignored poor OldToby on the IM while I read it. I could really see the fighting without reading an overly-burdened description of sword fighting techniques (*is guily of the said sin* )

Great job! Looking forward to finding out if Radesh and Behoe are going to live. :(

Grand I didn't expect Behoe to help save the day! I like to be kept guessing.

All in all I think this is shaping up very nicely, the action scene was perfect, I didn't get lost or confused by contradictory statements, or rushed explainations, and there was the right blend of description woven in.

Sil wrote:Looking forward to finding out if Radesh and Behoe are going to live.

Want to place some bets? Although, in first-person narration it's hard to keep up suspense about the narrator's ultimate survival.

Luthy wrote:How is it coming, Frelga?

Are you sure you want to hear about it? I do tend to whine.

Actually, there's only one installment left, where I intend to pick up what's left of the pieces. If I do it right, the story title should make some resemblance of sense. I have a rough draft and I don't like it. What's interesting is that I rather like each individual paragraph, but there are just too many of them. So I am slashing left and right. But it is exciting to be almost done.

EDIT: Façade, can I hope that you would put Radesh in your queue for a drawing? Please?

Last edited by Frelga on Fri Aug 20, 2004 12:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Lady_Haleth, that was very kind of you. I have no doubts as to your survival, but yes, I am sure I will keep writing. I've got the bug now. But, did you mean you wanted to read more about Radesh? I did have an idea for a sequel (oops, there goes my suspense ), but it is not very well developed, and not all that original. I am a slow worker, even this little story took me well over a year.

Façade, will you really? Oh, that would be so great! Thank you, thank you! Of course I would love to see what you think Radesh looks like just from reading the story. I am also painfully aware that I didn't give you much to go on as there's really no description of him anywhere. Would it help if I found some images of the racial type and clothing? Or should I just try to do a verbal description? My email is fre1ga at yahoo . com (with a number one instead of L).
EDITED to make it clear that whichever way you want to do it is fine with me! It's sure to be fabulous and I am really looking forward to seeing the result.

On a tangent, I was hiking with the hubby, and almost dropped into the ocean on seeing a guy who looked exactly like my idea of Radesh. Unfortunately, I was not able to take a surrepticious picture of him, and didn't have the nerve to ask him to pose. My husband may have understood, but the guy's girlfriend probably would not have.

Frelga -- I totally understand -- at the Renaissance Festival, Sil and I saw someone who looks so much like one of her characters! We thought about hitting him on the head and kidnapping him and trying to convince him when he woke up that he really was that character but decided his girlfriend might not like that. :D:D

Give us a sequal!!:D Im begging you to write more about Radesh! Actually, I really like him as a character!! There are so often characters that are too perfect to really like, but Radesh has got his male ego that he deals with and stuff.

Thanks for remembering me, Lady_Haleth. I kept hoping for a flash of inspiration that would lead me to a beter ending. (It has happened to me, you know. You wouldn't believe the mess I originally had in place of what now is the foggy part.) But I think I'll just have to live with what I've got, after some polishing up.

And if truth be told, I am holding back a little from finishing the story, for complex psychological reasons that have nothing to do with being lazy. Thanks for giving me a gentle nudge in the right place.

Forget nudge, I will give you a hearty shove! I have rediscovered this story and it's even better (if possible) the second time. I love every second of your writing, Frelga, and right now I'm hanging on a renewed cliff! I'm becoming very attached to Radesh... I will add to the clamor for a sequel. Please write and save me from these durnded tenterhooks!

Ah, Frelga, don't worry, I understand psychological reasons for not wanting to finish...

Presuming yours are like mine, of course

Unfortunately for me but fortunately for the rest of the English-speaking world though I'm feeling a little bit better I'm still not feeling at all creative. So you'll have to wait till next week to read me defacing the English language again.

The last version of the ending opened to bland reviews from my Beta. "I can't find anything else you can take out" were his words. Last week I finally figured out what I was doing wrong (like, doh, I had a flasback and a flashforward and nothing was happening in the narrative), and now I have my new ending. It's still a little rough, but it's a matter of tweaking a few sentences and not of finding a whole new way to tell the story.

Tuima wrote:I am getting very attached to Radesh.

Awww, thanks Tuima, I got quite fond of him too. I even put him into an RP, and now Givi is in another one.

So, I'll go put the bubbly on ice. I have never finished a story before, and I would not have finished this one if not for the various nudges, and backslaps, and shoves that I got from everybody. Thank you.

My memory kept no trace of the hours that followed. I learned afterwards how Tamiko went to get help and found the men of her family, not far below on the trail. They carried Behoe and me down to his house in Aksu. Three of our best healers came there, and the battle to keep us alive was as fierce as the one I had fought. The three old women stayed the flow of blood and beat the fever down; they forced broth through Behoe’s torn, swollen lips; they set my broken arm and fitted the ripped flesh together.

My parents came to stay with me, and so did Givi’s sister Nureli. Her aunt was one of the three healers, and Nureli was learning from her. She was a round-faced, cheerful girl, as ready to song as her brother. As a healer, she was relentless, never letting my pain and weakness get in her way, rubbing, flexing, tending my left arm, and brushing off tears when she thought I was not looking.

At last I was well enough to ride home. But first I was to go to Gingush, to be a guest of honor at the last wedding of the year. Tamiko would become Behoe’s wife and leave me free to marry whom I will. I was glad for them both. Or would have been, except for a dull ache behind my ribs that could not be blamed on the veshapi.

The rains had started in earnest by then, but the morning of the feast was dry and grey. In the dull light, Nureli and Givi sat with me by the cooking fire. Givi supported my injured arm over a bowl while his sister poured herbed water over my scars. I watched the play of firelight on Nureli’s cheek, because I could not yet bear to look at my hand and the jagged scars where two of my fingers had been.

“I still think Tamiko is a fool,” Nureli said fiercely, but her hand was gentle as she touched an unscarred patch on my arm.

Givi saw that and laughed. "See how my sister has grown? She will dance the Round Dance next Sunswing, if you can believe that. Come spring, I will be looking for a brother-in-law."

Nureli gasped and covered her face with her hand. "Givi!" she cried, splashing cool water over the three of us.

“Let’s get moving, then,” I said quickly.

My finest clothes were laid out for me - the shirt embroidered with red and black, the new burka deep black with gold braiding at the throat. I needed help getting into them, as on my left hand even the three remaining fingers barely flexed. At least there won’t be too many guests to see me, I thought. Few would want to brave the rain-scored road to Gingush this late in the year.

To my surprise, people sat shoulder to shoulder at the long tables, and more were still riding up. The news had spread of the slain veshapi, who had already killed three men, and the Three Mountains were grateful for the danger averted.

It seemed a long way to the head table where I was to sit, and a long, long time since the feast at Lykhnasta, where I had last seen most of the guests. People called to me, and surrounded me, with smiles and praises. I pulled on the fabric of my sling to cover the mangled hand, and tried not to wince at friendly embraces that always seemed to seek out painful spots in my left side.

At last the couple appeared, with their families and the Elders. Behoe’s face was still half-covered with bandages, which served more to hide his scars than any real need. And Tamiko, so radiant that it seemed the light of her eyes sparkled on silver chains and coins jingling in her unbraided hair. I wanted to look away and could not take my eyes off her.

The vows were given, the blessings offered, the songs done. Horns of wine were passed around the table. And then Givi stepped forward, and stood behind the head table, and raised his hand for silence.

He waited a moment for the talk to stop. Then he began, in his gentle voice that deepened and rang out as the song unfolded. My breath caught and fell into rhythm with the melody. Givi crafted my tale into a song as simple and enduring as a silver ring. Whatever was to become of me after this would no longer matter. My name would be remembered, not because of anything I did, but because of this song.

I clenched my teeth, and stared straight ahead of me, and thought furious thoughts about my friend. In the song, two mighty rivals met in fierce combat for the right to marry the beautiful Tamiko. Radesh won the match, but Behoe won the girl's heart. I knew how Givi loved his tales of impossible loves, but did he really have to talk about my jealous rage?

Then he got to the battle with the veshapi, and it was glorious. Both men were great heroes, but I came out looking better, because Givi was my friend, and because it was my sword in the veshapi’s throat. And Tamiko was as beautiful and fearless in the song as in life, when she looked the veshapi in the eyes and loosed a sure arrow.

As soon as courtesy permitted, which was a good while later, I got away from the table to look for Givi. The singer was now the center of a large crowd, and received as much praise and attention as the newlyweds themselves. I made my way through to him, and took him firmly by the arm.

“What have you done, Givi?” I demanded, struggling to keep my voice low.

“Why? Don’t you like the song?”

“Like it? Of course I like it. This song will travel from hill to hill as long as the mountains stand. It touches the heart, it makes me laugh, and it almost made me cry over my own fate. But Givi, what you say about me... none of that is true!”

My friend looked down at me from the sun-filled skies where he soared.

"It is true now," he replied.

THE END

Last edited by Frelga on Wed Oct 13, 2004 10:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

I've waited until this was finished to comment, but now I'm rather speechless.

Of course, there's far too much material to go into with the depth that I prefer, but I will content myself with commenting on your style.

(My first suggestion would be read through the last piece and check for spelling/grammer errors. )

I can certainly say that this is really good! The characters are painted very vibrantly, especially Radesh. I really like all the names, too. The culture is cearly defined and very easy to grasp.

I like your style, too. I have pretty high expectations and you meet pretty much all of them! (Sigh...if only I reached my expectations.... )

And honestly, aside from minor spelling errors, I don't think I have any quibbles! This is new!

I vote that you submit this to a magazine for publication. I don't think it's quite long enough to make a standing novel of it's own, but I think that the forced wait for each chapter does well for smaller stories like this one . You can just tackle a librarian at (where else!) the library and ask for a book that has lists of magazines that publish stories. Some are really cool!

OH! I am so sad that it is done! But it was so amazing that I can't be. It was wonderful!!! But I wish for an epilogue. Mostly to have more about Radesh than anything else. Does he ever marry? Givi's sister, maybe??

*More tumultuous applause* Wonderful, Frelga!!!!!! And now the title makes sense! Seriously, I agree with Faithful. You really oughta submit this to a magazine. A great story, and very well-written!!! *HUGSES*!

The only thing I cought was 'a sliver ring' which I assume was supposed to be silver?

Frelga appears, pushing a beverage cart jingling with bottles and glasses and heaped with boxes of chocolates. She sways slightly and waves a glass, splashing some sherri on the floor.

"Thank you, guys", she says, in an almost-steady voice. "Means heaps to me, you know. Never finished one before. Met all you wonderful folks while doing it. Ride of my life. Pathetic, aint it? Here, have some bubbly."

Sil, thanks for catching the sliver

FaithfulPoet, would you please give me a hint? What else did I miss in the grammar department?

Tuima wrote:Mostly to have more about Radesh than anything else. Does he ever marry? Givi's sister, maybe??

Givi's sister certainly hopes so. I assume Radesh would marry eventually, but he is single at the moment.

Okay, sorry to leave you hanging! I don't post in a thread twice very often but I will this time to clarify.

I learned afterwards how Tamiko went to get help and found the men of her family, not far below on the trail.

The comma in here doesn't really fit. Maybe it's just me but it seems to disrupt the flow of the sentence. Also, this seems a teeny bit too easy. "Not far below" is too near to their position to be believable, in my opinion. I went and read also in the earlier parts (part five, I believe) and it mentions nothing about Tamiko's family members coming after them. Maybe I'm just over-reacting!

She was a round-faced, cheerful girl, as ready to song as her brother.

Cool description, but "ready to song" is incorrect. Maybe you meant "ready for song" or "ready to sing"?

...and brushing off tears when she thought I was not looking.

Woah, I first thought that she was brushing off Radesh's tears! Maybe you ought to clarify this so that the reader has no doubt about who's tears. It took me a minute to grasp that it was Nureli's tears.

Nureli gasped and covered her face with her hand. "Givi!" she cried, splashing cool water over the three of us.

Does this mean that Nureli splashed water on herself, too? It seems unclear and rather bizarre for a girl to splash herself as she reproves her brother.

And Tamiko, so radiant that it seemed the light of her eyes sparkled on silver chains and coins jingling in her unbraided hair.

This really confused me, and took me four readings to understand. I think the simple addition of "sparkled on the silver chains" would clear things up immensely.

And...I think that's it! Not much, really. I think those are my only quibbles overall. The other chapters are quite lucid and I didn't trip up over anything. I must say, jolly good job!

And do write "The wrong side of the mountain"! That will be sooo cool!

God bless you,
-Faithful
~~~
While Christ was on the cross,
You were on His mind.

Also, this seems a teeny bit too easy. "Not far below" is too near to their position to be believable, in my opinion. I went and read also in the earlier parts (part five, I believe) and it mentions nothing about Tamiko's family members coming after them.

I admit, I had a bit of trouble trying to figure out how to rescue Radesh and Behoe before they bleed to death or die from shock (since I can't send the eagles ).

Basically, Tamiko's manfolk went looking for her downhill, assuming that she had chosen the eaiser way. That's why Radesh had to go after her alone. Can't remember which installment that was in, but it was months ago.

What's not in the story is that Tamiko's farther returned home the previous night and started after Tamiko early in the morning. They covered a lot of distance while Tamiko and Radesh were waiting for the fog to lift, and then of course while Radesh was fighting. Also, Tamiko spent some time trying to stop the bleeding and such, before running off for help.

Tamiko does mention that she expects her farther to be not far behind them. I ended up taking the rest of the explanation out of the story because I felt it slowed things down too much. Although that was in the old version of the ending, which was slow, period, so maybe I can put some of it back in.

Maybe I'm just over-reacting!

No, you are not. It always kicks me out of the story when some minute detail does not work, or contradicts another minute detail. The least I can do to make amends to all those other authors is to avoid the same mistakes in my writing.

It is beautiful. Absolutly beautiful!! Wow, the ending though a little bit fast, says everything it needs to and it says it beautifully! I do think a short epiloge would be appreciated, if no sequels are going to be written. The epilogue would answer all questions about if he marries Givi's sister, and just what happens. Do his scars heal enough for him to do anything?