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Here’s a New One – Embarrassed By My Sobriety?

The holidays are all over but the paying of credit card bills… and they were wonderful. I was in Florida for the better part of two weeks, and I embraced family, drooling dogs and long beach walks. And after six months of careful eating, it was also a food-fest. I ate more carbs in two weeks than the other 11 1/2 months of 2017 combined. Damn if brown rice and bread doesn’t round out a meal…

Will you be my friend?

Something missing…

You know I am an advocate of sobriety. I love my sober life, but (there is always a but when you start a sentence with “I love“) I will always feel like there is a little something missing. Nothing definable and nothing to lay awake and stare at the ceiling about. Just a low-grade feeling that my old, drinking days are going to waft past my periphery like a dead, childhood dog (speaking of dogs…).

During the holidays I had a most disturbing experience. I was staying at Lauren’s and a group of us went to see the new Star Wars movie. Not my favorite genre in the best of times, so I was a tiny bit snippy to begin with.

Let’s go see the new Star Wars movie and then go to a brewery!

When we milled around the theater apres movie and someone suggested we try out the new brewery near the theater, I morphed from slight snippiness to outright bitchy. I tried to remove the look from my face. The one that screamed, “Right. Let’s all go to a loud, tinsel draped, crowded bar reeking of fermented hops and you can swill fruity, undertones of chocolate beer while I drink gassy water and pout.”

I understand this is an unreasonable way to feel during the holidays. These people are not alcoholics and they deserved to have a drink if they wanted. And God knows I have spent time in bars since I’ve been sober. But I couldn’t seem to stop myself from this ill-tempered response. I think I might have harrumphed. I definitely rolled my eyes when no one was looking…

The only one who seemed to notice, with that freaky, mother/daughter ESP, was Lauren. She bustled me to the bar and ordered a sparkling water in a wine glass. She patted my back – an intoxicating kindness. She said, “It’s okay mom…”

Will you be my friend?

It was loud and smelly and embarrassing…

It was then, with Lauren’s understanding, that I realized I was feeling embarrassed. Embarrassed. I felt lonely and ashamed that I couldn’t just order a stupid beer and drink it without the dire consequences. This my friends, is a first.

In the early days of my recovery I was angry. Resentful. Even bored. Maybe ashamed by some of the things I had done while in my cups, but never shamefaced by my sobriety.

How about you guys? I just want you to know I’m not much of a drinker…

I don’t know. I feel flummoxed and a little annoyed, Not annoyed like sitting in a movie watching tired old Star Wars characters and thinking Chewbacca is the only one who aged well. Annoyed in a deeper way. I wish this vial malady would stop throwing me curve balls. Or blasters.

I wish I didn’t feel most comfortable walking all alone on a deserted beach…

Comments (8)

Tall Girl

Jan 16, 2018

I understand! I think we all do, and have occasionally felt that way, Marilyn. I attribute it to missing the connection, the camaraderie of quaffing a cold one with friends. It felt like a real connection, which is what we all crave at times. We forget what comes later. It helps me at times like that to briefly walk away and call a fellow sober person. S/he will understand and help the feeling pass quickly so I can go back and enjoy the company of old friends. The feeling is normal, and it is truly all about what you do with that feeling. Congratulations on only being transparent to your daughter!

Maybe I was snippy enough to cause the rest of the party to at least wonder what was wrong. Lauren KNEW what was wrong. And yes, there are so many things I could have done. The problem was losing control of the situation and my emotions. I felt lost. It is always a pleasure to get your wise counsel.
XXXOOO
M

How come you're not drinking?Because I’m too busy being the DD!Oh boy, do I get this! At my husband’s Christmas Party held at Cooper’s Hawk WINERY, everyone drinking (but me). It is then that I tell myself, I have lost the RIGHT to drink. If I am being honest with myself, I don’t really WANT to drink. I just feel left out. Left out of the camaraderie, the festivities, the bonding that drinking together seems to bring. But, I’m thankful. My husband spent 15 years being the designated driver, the “responsible” one. Now, it’s my turn and for that, I am thankful!

How come you're not drinking?Because I know better now. Alcohol lied to me just as it is lying to everyone else.Hi Marilyn, you have such an awesome unique blog. I continue to enjoy it. I just found out I’m going to Europe in July with my 22 year old daughter. She’s amazing and has planned almost the entire trip. She’s beyond excited. I’m petrified. I’m scared of going to a place where there are sooo many things I won’t be able to control. All theses things go through my head when I think about the impending trip: Is the pilot that’s flying me over an ocean competent? What if I get tired and cranky and need to “unwind.” Will I be embarrassed to turn down wine when I’m in Wine country? Do I need to apologize to my daughter for the fact that I don’t drink and will take some of the fun out of things for her? I don’t know. Sometimes it is all so confusing.

But here’s the thing, over the last 16 months I have proven to myself that I can do hard things. Just because something is difficult or feels awkward doesn’t mean “well, just give up then!” My sobriety has helped me get beyond those feelings. Feelings that just served to paralyze me, and rob me of my joy. So, Europe, here I come. I don’t know what to expect, but surprise me! I can handle it (thank you, higher power!).

First of all, stop thinking catastrophically. Deal with what you can deal with today. Think about what you are going to wear. Look at travel magazines. Your darling daughter will be fine without you drinking. In fact it will make the vacation so much more memorable (if you know what I mean…). Congratulations! And have a wonderful trip!

KEEP ON KEEPING ON MARILYN!!! The rewards of just putting up with the situation are to be much greater rewards than if you “slide back” into the old ways. You have come far my dearest, and now is not the time to quit. Love you and your blogs.