Randy: I know how we'll know if we're too drunk to drive. We'll see if I can drive that remote control car around the living room without crashing it.EarlRandy, that's a cat.

Darnell: Street smart is just something dumb people say when they want to use the word smart to describe themselves.

Earl: Karma. There it was. The secret of life coming straight from Carson Daly's lips to my morphine-laced ears.

Earl: You know, for a woman who spent 3 days on a raft to reach America, Catalina was surprisingly sensitive to the sun.

Earl: I don't have a gambling problem, I'm winning, and winning is not a problem. That's like saying Michael Jordan has a basketball problem, or Def Leppard has an awesomeness problem. So why don't y'all just pour some sugar on that?

Joy: It was a date. But not all dates are good ones honey. Sometimes it ends up with your sweetie doing a black man in the bathroom.

Randy: When I get my chicken, should I ask for it grilled or McNuggeted?

Randy: But Catalina, winning this car for Joy is my Christmas present to Earl. This is for family - at Christmas. You know - Feliz Naviblah.Catalina: [shaking her head side-to-side] That means nothing.Randy: To you, maybe. But to an American it means Christmas in Mexican.

Earl: Look! Shampoo that's not tested on animals. I feel bad for those lab animals running around with dirty hair, but if it's better for the environment, that's the sacrifice they have to make.

Joy:(Joy talking about her breasts, rips open her prison uniform and says to Catalina)Do these look saggy to you? I could float half your village across a river on these.

Earl:(To Joy)Nice. You kiss your illegitimate children with that mouth?

Joy: I like this one because it's lined, so I don't have to wear panties, it's perfect.Earl: But it's got a stain on it.Joy: Yeah but that's where I'm gonna Bedazzle my initials.

Joy:I hope you get nut cancer.

Witness: She was crazed and I'm not exaggerating. I know crazy when I see it. When I was a baby my mother once tried to cook me.Lawyer: She was baby-cooking crazy

Joy: That's all a marriage is - accepting the annoying crap your partner makes you put up with.

Randy: My brain told my feet to stop and they did! my brain's never been smarter than my feet before!