This is a place where I can post family updates and ramble about things as I try to find my way since the recent death of my daughter. Life has completely changed for my sons, my husband and myself. Our faith has been a great source of comfort and we'll continue to rely on it as we press forward.

Pages

The Story of Christmas & Silly Socks

Sunday, May 13, 2012

I'm having an emotional Mother's Day missing my girl. I had to leave church early because the tears started flowing and I couldn't make them stop. My sweet husband and I went to the cemetery and gave Jessica new wind chimes. Karl pulled a branch down from the nearby tree and tied the old wind chimes to it so they hang right over Jessica's headstone. We spent some time enjoying a warm Spring day, soft breeze in our faces and hair, thinking about our girl.

I miss her laugh, I miss her smile, her stories and her imagination, and most of all I miss her hugs and kisses. I cherish the last FULL hug I received from her just the day before she fell so incredibly ill and was bedridden. Karl and I had found out from the GI doctor that she was in starvation mode (just a couple of days prior) and it was just a matter of time until she would leave us. Jess and I were standing in the doorway of the kitchen and she came up to me and leaned on me and gave me a looooong hug. I think she knew. I think she needed that long, full-body hug just as much as I did. I remember thinking, I need to cherish this because it could be the last FULL hug I ever get from her - and it was. I felt her head on my shoulder and her hair on my cheek. Her arms wrapped around me as she leaned on me for support. She needed my support physically and emotionally and I'm so glad that I could give that to her. Yes, I have some regrets but I did the best that I could. I may have missed out on a lot of fun activities while I stayed at home caring for a very ill child for 22 years but I knew I was doing everything I could to care for my very precious children. I'm so thankful that I was able to be a stay-at-home mom not only for Jess but for my sons as well. Jessica wasn't any ordinary child - she was extraordinary and she needed far more than any other child... at the same time she taught me more than anybody or anything could ever teach me. So I worked hard and made the sacrifices that I needed to in order to care for this extraordinary child and my other extraordinary children because I knew that's what God wanted me to do. My brother, Brian Taylor asked me, "How many other people can say that? How many people can actually say that they've spent the last 22 years doing what God wanted them to do?" Thank you for that, Brian. I still want to do what the Lord wants me to do so I'm trying to find my way, setting new goals and reaching out to others. But today I miss my girl. I'm sure I'll feel a little better tomorrow but sometimes you have to feel bad in order to feel better. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I love all my family - those who are blood relatives and those who chose to be a dear part of my life. <3

So HAPPY Mother's Day because I was fortunate enough to have had the most amazing daughter to care for here on earth for 22 years and for all eternity. And HAPPY Mother's Day because I am fortunate enough to still have all 3 of my sons in my life and a sweet daughter-in-law as well. How could I ever be so lucky?