How I have the nerve to call this a newsletter after a gap of years I have no idea – I suppose it is a triumph of hope over experience. I am not alone in this, however, as evidenced by the following:

"A brand new shop has just opened that sells husbands. A woman enters the shop to find a strict set of instructions"You may visit this shop ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building” -The 1st floor sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs-The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.-The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going

Bowlocks - the Classic Marine Newsletter - No 19 - Sept 2005

Avast Behind, me hearties! I’m on time this year to remind you all to speak like a pirate on September 19th. For necessary vocabulary and training, see www.yarr.org.uk.

But do be careful with the accessories…….

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a pub, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noticing the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off". "Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"? "Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off." "Blimey!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch"? "A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. "Well..." said the pirate; " it was me first day with the hook."