Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Being Selfish.....

A few weeks ago I did a post on helping a friend. I felt really good about helping this person. He seemed much more upbeat after we spoke but then....he started calling more, and because I wanted to be nice I would take his calls and patiently answer his questions. Now there's been no advancements or "suggestions" made by this person but I started to get that queasy feeling in my stomach. You know the one that sends the signal to the brain that something just isn't right. Now my sponsor and his sponsor knew that we had talked. My sponsor did not say much when I told her of our meeting. So when I called her last week to seek guidance she was not surprised. "Remember when I asked you not to sponsor anyone until you were through the twelve steps?" she said. I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't sponsoring, I was just helping, and I thought we were suppose to help other alcoholics". To which she replied, "We are, but the person who sought you out is male, and wanting to be codependent on someone else, you know the "easier softer way"?....Now I knew why I was having that queasy feeling. My gut was telling me this wasn't right. In my usual fashion, I rushed in to help, but didn't consider the consequences! Am I alcoholic or what! (lol) So my sponsor asked, "What are you going to do about it?" Darn I was hoping she would talk to his sponsor (me being the coward that I am) and since that wasn't going to happen I needed a solution. First I took the advice she gave: Be selfish, yes selfish in your recovery. You have worked very hard these past months, you have been open to change, you have grown, not without dealing with a lot of pain and you have a long way to go. He's stuck and he wants to ride on your coat tails and being alcoholic you think you can save him, and you will let him tag along because your mind will tell you you can carry both of you until finally he drags you down, and sooner or later alcohol will be right around the corner. I will not sit back and watch this happen." It had never crossed my mind that this could happen. I just thought I was helping, never realizing that I could put my own recovery in danger. My sponsor and I talked a while and decided that I should call him, be direct, explain that I needed to take care of myself, and that he needs to be working his own program with his sponsor. So of course I was chicken at first but then picked up the phone and took care of business so I thought. We had a nice talk and I spoke my peace. He said things were going better, that he had been meeting with his sponsor and thanked me for my time. So I go on my merry little way for a day and then on Friday find a message on my cell phone from him. He was giving me his email address asking that we stay in touch. Enough, I deleted his call. I had made myself clear so i thought. But then there's a side that still wants to help.......but then I got mad. Hey no one made it easy for me. I've done my work, now it's time for him to do his! I finally understood what "being selfish" in your recovery means. I will not jepordize all that I've worked for. I needed to set the boundaries, and do it now. So I went to my Saturday morning meeting and of course he was there. I said "hello" politely, asked him how things were going, and then went and sat by my sponsor. I know my body language was pretty stiff but I wanted my point accross. I did not answer his phone call, nor did I add in his email. This journey has been the hardest one I have walked. I will not risk it being undone. I can pray for this person, but I will not carry him. My HP walks beside me, to make this path possible. I guess there is a time to be selfish, and my time is now......

3 comments:

yes, be selfish here. Although, selfish may be a harsh word. We must take care of ourselves and surround ourselved with women in the program. Like the book says about being in situations where others are drinking (and I paraphrase) - unless we have good reason for being there, we ought not put ourselves in that type of situation - especially as a newer-comer, I might add. Sounds like there really isn't a good reason for you to be in this relationship. Keep taking care of you - because you deserve it!

whew...was afraid for a second this was going some place scary...good job being selfish...

and no problems the Poe comment i take as high praise...maybe too high, smiles...i was trying to add a bit of playfulness among the seriousness of my post today. was not even thinking about your comment the other day...

About this blog

“The Lord is with you when you are with Him. If you seek Him, He will be found by you, but if you forsake Him, He will forsake you….Be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.” 2 Chron. 15:2,7

About Me

At 43 I'm done. Done with the excuses of why I can't loose weight. Done with liking myself yet hating to pass in front of a mirror. Out of shape, nutritionally bankrupt, and desperately seeking weight control sanity. Blogging helped me stay sober, and hopefully it will help me shut my mouth....