The Art of Seduction 101

DISCLAIMER: This article is entirely subjective. I’m usually wrong about most things.

Okay, I know. The balls to give advice on the Art of Seduction, like seriously, where do I get off?! Anyone who knows me, knows that I should never give advice. About anything. EVER. Particularly relationships. I probably have a better chance at qualifying for major league baseball than I do at finding myself in a stable healthy relationship. It’s just not in my genetics or maybe I’m in an off season or something. I don’t know.

BUT what I am surprisingly skilled at is seducing a guy initially. Oh, they never see the succubus coming. Maybe it’s because I have an accent. So if worse comes to worst just fake one. Kidding. Partially. Because the accent really does work. Or just travel abroad and pick up foreign men. Okay, probably not a realistic mainstream option. Though kind of exciting, particularly if you’re in Rome.

Anyway, the thing is, I used to work on a military base (of course I did. Why wouldn’t I do that?) that had, I would say a 95 percent male population, which means I heard a lot of “guy talk.” Guys also confided in me and asked for my female perspective. I probably led them astray because WTF did I know back then?!?! I’m potentially responsible for bad marriages, break-ups, adultery, divorces and a butt load of sex and relationship shit gone wrong.

Ultimately, however, I did acquire insider information and I feel it would be selfish of me to keep it covert. Particularly since it has come to my attention that some ladies are struggling with this topic — and/or resorting to techniques that are not only ineffective, but potentially hazardous to their reputation. SUCH AS: Texting naked pictures. Don’t do this. EVER. Why? Because now your naked ass is in my phone and I don’t even know you.

Recently my guy friend forwarded me pics of a naked girl in various provocative poses. WTF Dude?!He claimed he wanted my feedback for an article he’s writing?! Hmm. Okay. Couldn’t you have just used words to communicate the story instead of forwarding what I would assume are “confidential, only intended for recipient” naked photos?

Sure, they were a bit of a turn on (after the initial shock had passed). Was he secretly texting them to me to get me excited? Like, Check it out: All these hot girls wanna do me. You should too! And if so: Now your naked pic has turned into a marketing tool to pick up other girls. AND: If a pic of a naked girl is making me horny, imagine his guy friends jerking off because AS IF he hasn’t shown them.

Come on! It’s too tempting for a dude to keep a pic of a hot naked chick to himself. So unless you want all his friends to see you naked, don’t press send. Even if you’re convinced he would never show anyone. All it takes is the phone getting hacked into, lost or stolen. Let’s not forget the Vanessa Hudgens fiasco.

Okay, I’ve ranted. Now let’s get this party started:

1. COY vs OUTLANDISH

There are two approaches you can take to seduce a guy – coy or outlandish. Outlandish has never worked for me, unless I’m super drunk and acting weird on a dance floor. So maybe it does work. But it never leads to anything credible. Recent examples resulted in dry humping against a brick wall and threatening to kick the karaoke guy’s ass for not letting my friend sing, ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart.’ The latter is just in general reference to what happens when I drink too much vodka.

Anyway, coy is the best way to intrigue a man. Men like to solve things. So if they can’t figure you out, they’ll continue to wonder. If you give away your engine parts too soon, they’ll move onto the next …Meh, that metaphor is not going to work (men seem to be more loyal to their cars than to women). My advice: Be mysterious. And for God’s sake, don’t flash your boobs (at a bar), even if they are the size of melons and you paid four thousand dollars for them. It actually scares men. Unless they’re like Harley Davidson biker dudes. So if that’s your thing, go for it. Otherwise, save it for the bedroom….or hotel room…or backseat of a car…or kitchen table. Whichever.

BOTTOM LINE: Be a tease. Let it linger. Subtle is sexy.

2. BRAINS vs BEAUTY

Remember that Miss Teen USA contestant from South Carolina (Caitlin Upton), known for her famous words, “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so…people in our nation don’t have maps,” in response to a question about why a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map (seriously sad). And then she had the audacity to continue with how we need to educate South Africa and “the Iraq.”

Words do matter. Based on that example, “I personally believe” that what you say is more important than how you look. Hotness is an attitude. It’s not just external.

Now you don’t have to be an English major to engage a man in conversation, but make it two-sided. Ask questions. If you can’t think of anything, my usual go to is: “Did you see the game yesterday?” There’s always a game – baseball, basketball, football, hockey, whatever. From my experience, guys love to talk about scores and shit. If that doesn’t work, just make a reference to one of the three most popular mob movies: Godfather, Goodfellas or Scarface. I don’t know what it is with men and their mob fantasies but if you want to make an impression mention Al Pacino or Marlon Brando. Trust me. This works.

3. DON’T TRY

Be yourself. If you go this route, you have absolutely nothing to lose because if the guy’s not into you, at least you’ll realize from the start and you can find someone else to seduce – as in someone who accepts you for who you are and is worthy of your seduction. I’m all about efficiency.

So, there you have it – The Art of Seduction 101. AND: You’re welcome America!

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