Saturday, 24 November 2018

You have to admire the Brits. If they have a successful crime
series, they don't automatically grow it

beyond one season (Midsomer,
excepted.) But the trouble with most crime series filmed, and also
successful crime series in print, is they go beyond their best before
date. And by this I mean, they start to run out of plots - healthy
original plots - and search madly for something, anything they haven't
done before, including things that have been done to death <sic>.
The following tropes drive me crazy.

1. The protagonist sleuth is the murder suspect.
By
far, this one has me fired up to throw things. Inevitably, every
long-running series has one episode where the Detective Inspector, the
PI or the well-respected amateur sleuth, becomes the prime suspect for a
murder well into the series. Into jail they go. They've done it with
Father Brown. They've done it with Don Matteo. Hinterland. You name
it. Whenever I see this happening, I grit my teeth. Why?

That
plot is boring, man. Obviously, they didn't do it. If they did, then
it is 'series over'. And it can't be series over, because there are
several episodes left, or a new season to download, and I can see that
right on the screen. So all we're doing is tediously waiting for the
sidekicks to get proof that our beloved protagonist didn't do it.

2. The protagonist and/or sidekick is held hostage.
This
is the second plot trope that has me screaming Italian curse words at
the screen. This month, it was Don Matteo and Rosewood. You can name
others. And again, this is boring. If they are all killed and don't get
out, end of show. But there are more episodes, so they obviously get
away. If we know the ending at the beginning, what's the pleasure in
watching?

3. The police officer protagonist is hated by his immediate superior.
One
of the reasons I like Endeavor is because Morse's boss Thursday is such
a good guy to young Morse. In so many shows, including the original
Morse, the detective superintendent or chief constable behaves like an
out-of-control teen, lambasting our hero with manic fury. He hates the
protagonist, for no good reason we can see. Or is it that he is so
insecure, he can't stand someone who makes him and his department look
good? How demeaning. By all that's holy, make this stop.

4. Young female sargeant has affair with older boss.
Okay,
we all learned in the 80s and 90s: you don't have an affair with your
boss. It's stupid. It's career-killing. It's also unethical, if he's
married or you're married. And yet, time after time we see this on the
screen. STILL. IN 2018.

I cringe, because it
perpetuates the ancient stereotype that young female police officers are
not serious about their jobs. They are slaves to their emotions. They
are willing to risk all for romance. Writers, DON'T take me back to
the seventies. Just don't.

5. The male Detective Inspector invites prime female suspect/witness to a romantic dinner.
Similar
to the 'affair with the boss' above, this scenario gives high-ranking
police officers I've talked to apoplexy. No police officer is that
idiotic.

Look, we all understand that tension is
ramped up if there is personal involvement. But come on, writers!
Don't make our extremely professional boys (and girls) in blue look
adolescent. It's insulting.

Just do the right thing. Tell us a damn good story. And wrap things up before you sink to these tropes.

Melodie
Campbell writes seriously wild comedy. You can find her latest crime
books (The Bootlegger's Goddaughter and The B-Team) at all the usual
suspects. See this latest ad in Mystery Scene Magazine.

I'm on Sleuthsayers today with ACK Not Again! Five Crime Series Plots that Deserve to Die
I've copied the post here, for my regular readers:

You have to admire the Brits. If they have a successful crime
series, they don't automatically grow it

beyond one season (Midsomer,
excepted.) But the trouble with most crime series filmed, and also
successful crime series in print, is they go beyond their best before
date. And by this I mean, they start to run out of plots - healthy
original plots - and search madly for something, anything they haven't
done before, including things that have been done to death <sic>.
The following tropes drive me crazy.

1. The protagonist sleuth is the murder suspect.
By
far, this one has me fired up to throw things. Inevitably, every
long-running series has one episode where the Detective Inspector, the
PI or the well-respected amateur sleuth, becomes the prime suspect for a
murder well into the series. Into jail they go. They've done it with
Father Brown. They've done it with Don Matteo. Hinterland. You name
it. Whenever I see this happening, I grit my teeth. Why?

That
plot is boring, man. Obviously, they didn't do it. If they did, then
it is 'series over'. And it can't be series over, because there are
several episodes left, or a new season to download, and I can see that
right on the screen. So all we're doing is tediously waiting for the
sidekicks to get proof that our beloved protagonist didn't do it.

2. The protagonist and/or sidekick is held hostage.
This
is the second plot trope that has me screaming Italian curse words at
the screen. This month, it was Don Matteo and Rosewood. You can name
others. And again, this is boring. If they are all killed and don't get
out, end of show. But there are more episodes, so they obviously get
away. If we know the ending at the beginning, what's the pleasure in
watching?

3. The police officer protagonist is hated by his immediate superior.
One
of the reasons I like Endeavor is because Morse's boss Thursday is such
a good guy to young Morse. In so many shows, including the original
Morse, the detective superintendent or chief constable behaves like an
out-of-control teen, lambasting our hero with manic fury. He hates the
protagonist, for no good reason we can see. Or is it that he is so
insecure, he can't stand someone who makes him and his department look
good? How demeaning. By all that's holy, make this stop.

4. Young female sargeant has affair with older boss.
Okay,
we all learned in the 80s and 90s: you don't have an affair with your
boss. It's stupid. It's career-killing. It's also unethical, if he's
married or you're married. And yet, time after time we see this on the
screen. STILL. IN 2018.

I cringe, because it
perpetuates the ancient stereotype that young female police officers are
not serious about their jobs. They are slaves to their emotions. They
are willing to risk all for romance. Writers, DON'T take me back to
the seventies. Just don't.

5. The male Detective Inspector invites prime female suspect/witness to a romantic dinner.
Similar
to the 'affair with the boss' above, this scenario gives high-ranking
police officers I've talked to apoplexy. No police officer is that
idiotic.

Look, we all understand that tension is
ramped up if there is personal involvement. But come on, writers!
Don't make our extremely professional boys (and girls) in blue look
adolescent. It's insulting.

Just do the right thing. Tell us a damn good story. And wrap things up before you sink to these tropes.

Melodie
Campbell writes seriously wild comedy. You can find her latest crime
books (The Bootlegger's Goddaughter and The B-Team) at all the usual
suspects. See this latest ad in Mystery Scene Magazine.

At first, I wasn’t sure if that meant a writer who wasn’t
writing right now and every minute
was a monster.Or whether it meant a
writer who was prevented from writing
was a monster.

For the sake of all concerned (at least in this house,) I’m
goin’ for the latter.

Which brings me to this little list.If you are a writer, tick off the ones that
apply to you and leave a comment below.Or better still, add your own.If
you are not a writer, stand back.

You know you’re an author when:

1. You’d rather spend time with your characters than your
friends.

2. You’ve been at the computer all day and Nachos seem like a major food
group.

3. Your spouse yells “Are you all right in there,” and you’re pretty sure
you’ve heard that voice before.Somewhere.

4. Your idea of a vacation means hours and hours of time to
write.And nobody bugging you to “do
something.”

5. You reach for Glenlivit when the internet goes down.

6. You could be
arrested if the Feds look at your search history.

7. You actually know the
difference between less and fewer.And
consider it a hanging offense when people misuse them.

8. You have been known to
ignore phone calls from your mom, kids, husband, boss, and possibly God.

9. Your
idea of supreme hell is being trapped at a cocktail party for three hours with people who aren’t
writers.

10. You have seriously considered murdering people who say, “I have this
great idea for a book, and if you’ll write it, I’ll share the profits with
you.”And the ones who say, “I think I’ll write a
book someday when I get more time.”And
the ones who say, “Of course, it’s just a mystery/fantasy/romance genre book
you’ve written.When are you going to
write something important?”

Writing a
book is fun. Sure, it’s a lot of work. But most writers admit it’s
a lot more fun writing a book than marketing it. I’m fortunate to be with
Orca
Book Publishers, a medium-large Canadian publishing house.
They do a lot of house promotion of my books. I regularly hear people
complain that publishers don’t do anything anymore to promote your books.
That’s simply not true. Here, I’ve broken down what they do, and below
that, what I do.

Just in Time for Hallowe'en! Books I will Never Write Part 1: Dino Porn

By Melodie Campbell (Bad Girl)

Apparently, I have been sounding too normal these days. There have been
complaints. The following is an attempt to rectify that.

People pay money for the weirdest reads. Don't believe me?

DINOSAUR PORN

Yes, you heard that right. This is a 'thing.' No, I don't mean porn
that randy male dinosaurs might read, involving somewhat sassy females
of the same species who like a good time. Last I checked, dinosaurs
couldn't read. Not even the urban ones.

But I'm not here to talk about that. I'm not even going to talk about
the weirdness of someone wanting to *write* about sexual relations
between a human of today and a creature that might possibly have become
extinct during an ice storm back in the good old days. All writers are
weird. Some are more weird than others (thank you, George Orwell.)

Nope. I'm here to talk about the blatant inequality in the dinosaur
porn field. Not only that, in ALL areas of
human/not-even-remotely-human erotica.

Don't believe me? Have you noticed that all these erotic books that
star humans and some other race like Vampires or Werewolves or Aliens or
Ducks (hey - has it been done?) always feature a girl with the Vampire
or Werewolf? Or in our case, a girl with the T-Rex?

Why is it always that way around? Never do you see a young man being
pursued by, say, a randy female dino. I have to assume female dinos are
more discriminating.

So in the interests of fair play, just in time for Hallowe'en, I offer my version of Dino porn.

It might go like this:

"La, la, lalalala, la, lala, la la..." <innocent young female
stegosaurus frolics among the Precambrian (whatever) wild-flowers,
unaware that she is about to be approached from behind>

"Tinder?" says Steggy-gal, unfamiliar with the vernacular. "Isn't this a grassland?"

"How about I just show you my equipment?" says creepy guy, who might
possibly be blind. "I'll just take it out here...oops, no. That's my
phone."

"Oh! There's a butterfly!" says Steggy-gal, easily distracted.

"HA," says creep, lining up to do the dirty. "Bet ya never had it like THIS before!"

"Gee, these flies are a nuisance," says Steggy, batting the annoyance
away with her spiked tale. "Why do they always hang around THAT end..."

"YEOOOOOOOW"

Okay, enough pastiche-ing around. It's discimination, pure and simple.
Okay, maybe not pure. And possibly more complicated than simple. All
those extra bits. Which reminds me. Girl with a Squid comes out in
2019.

Melodie
Campbell writes some pretty wild comedy. She even gets paid to do it,
by poor unsuspecting publishers. Check out her many series at www.melodiecampbell.com

Saturday, 20 October 2018

(as in Bear.) 20.3 pounds at 14 weeks; we have another
giant on our hands. Will be going for St. John Ambulance Therapy Dog
training in 2 years, if all goes well. Sunny would be pleased, snif.
Man, I had forgotten how much work puppies are...

Sunday, 7 October 2018

My beloved Frankenpoodle crossed the Rainbow Bridge tonight. He was
twelve and a half, a wonderful wonderful St. John Ambulance therapy dog,
who did such good with many disabled children. Such a good life lived. Even though I knew it had to be soon, I can't stop crying. Dear
Sunny.

He was famous, although he didn't know it. This appeared in The National Post Newspaper, about seven years ago:

WRITING
FUNNY WITH FRANKENPOODLE

By
Melodie Campbell

If Dr.
Frankenstein were creating a dog, this is what he might end up
with. Standing 30 inches at the shoulder, Frankenpoodle is a
giraffe in a dog suit.

I got my
start writing comedy. Frankenpoodle got his start as the klutzy giant of
the litter. No breeding for him. Instead, he became a canine muse.
Together, we have slogged through seventeen novels; me at the keyboard, him on
the worn brown chaise beside me. Both of us snarfing snacks and
looking forward to walk time.

Damn
straight, this dog inspires me. Toker, the big black poodle-cross with
the Mohawk hairdo in The Goddaughter’s Revenge, steals the show.