Tell your friends, and come back soon.

Dan Taylor, CBSfm 101.1 Morning Show host

August 22, 2011

Orgasms! have been on my mind this week. (Okay, when are they not?) The Orgasm Loop online workshop is coming together. I had a great talk with sister sexpert Lou Paget this morning on Os and O Loop, a conversation we are continuing this Wednesday evening from 9 to 10 EST on her radio show “Sex Talk with Lou.” I’ve been emailing back and forth with Josie Rozenberg-Clarke who’s interviewing me for an article in Australia’s Cleo magazine. As I told her, one of the joys of being an author is developing an international readership and hearing from great sexy babes and guys from all over the world.

To the mail!—

Q. “My husband recently lost weight and started working out—and now he wants to make love like the Kama Sutra. I contend that most of those positions are unsustainable for long enough to have good sex. What do you say? What should we do to liven up the standard six?” Ella, New Zealand.

A. Ella, you are correct: There are six basic intercourse positions—“the standard six”—and everything is a variation on one of them. The extreme positions of the Kama Sutra are not sustainable for long for most of us. Just getting into them is an accomplishment. Call it foreplay.

There are so many ways to tweak the basics and liven the sex. Read Michael’s suggestions for Bullet Vibe play. Buy one of my books. The Sex Bible, for example, has directions for the basics plus variations.

Here is my favorite Missionary position variation, The Open Missionary.

Wrap one leg around his waist (or place ankle on his shoulder or crook your ankle around his neck)—and leave the other leg open, either bent at the knee of flat on the bed.

I love the bent knee because it gives you great leverage to thrust against him. During intercourse, you can also move that open leg up and down his body, briefly wrap around his waist to place over his shoulder.

That lovely leg is a free agent, entirely opening up the classic Missionary.

Q. “My wife shares your crush on Dan Taylor, the Morning Man on WCBS fm 101.1. She says he is her fantasy lover. I think I know what that means. Is it common? Should I be jealous? How does a man compete against a fantasy lover?” AJ, Montclair, N.J.

A. We shall have to keep this from D.T. because it will make him blush.

I define a “Crush” as a very admirable person who inspires feelings of regard, warmth and affection from afar. Rarely does one act on a crush. It is just a nice little extra life enhancement.

A Fantasy Lover is a masturbatory aide—very common. You have porn; she has a vivid imagination. Back in the BJ scandal days, women told survey takers that they fantasized having sex with Bill Clinton. Media stars are popular fantasy lovers. I can’t even imagine how many women masturbate to George Clooney and Brad Pitt. (I hope your wife doesn’t tell me what she’s doing with Dan behind my back.)

You should not be jealous. Baby, you don’t compete against a fantasy lover any more than she goes up against porn. Just be thankful her Fantasy Man has her primed for you.

I watched some YouTube videos of Keith “the Captain” Gamble performing—and he’s been my Fantasy Lover for a few weeks. For women, porn is too cut and dried. We like coming up with our own scenarios to suit the arousal figure.

Now you tell that bitch to take her hands (and other parts) off Dan. [Note, Tuesday: I'm kidding. So many people wrote to ask if I am serious, I had to add the addendum.]

Q. “I dated a 34 year old guy for almost a year. Recently I broke up with him because I got tired of waiting for the sex. That’s right. No sex. I told him I wanted him. I came on to him. He kept saying he wanted to wait until things were right because he had always rushed the sex before. I’ve heard other women talk about men refusing sex. What’s up?” Carmen, New York City.

A. I do not believe that the man you dated didn’t have sex with someone during his celibate year with you. Something’s up with him. In denial about being gay? In love with a married woman? Sleeping with his cousin? Into a fetish he couldn’t share with you? He has a back story.

Yes, men are more likely to refuse sex in relationships than ever before. Zola and I identified the withholder as one form of passive/aggressive Beta men. Some men, however, say No to sex because they are on medications that lower their libido and interfere with their ability to get erect.

What happened to you is atypical. Why did you stay for a year? That sounds like an ego-battering experience.

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

“As many of you know, I took Bill and his dear friend, the late Major Victor Terrelonge, flying in the same type aircraft they first used in primary training to become fighter pilots in WWII…” Dan Taylor, "The Morning Show", WCBS-fm 101.1.

Officially, the 332nd Fighter Group and 447th Bombardment Group of the U.S. Army Air Corps, the Tuskegee Airmen, as they were popularly known, were the nation’s first black pilots. They served in the racially segregated military in World War II, won medals, are still receiving honors and earned the collective title, Heroes, by anyone’s definition of the word—though as Dan Taylor points out in a moving remembrance of his late friend William Wheeler, these splendid pilots couldn’t get jobs with U.S. airlines after the war.

I first heard a part of the Tuskegee story as a little girl, from Daddy, as we were en route to New Orleans to bring his Mammy Lou Lou to live out her final days with us in Illinois. Before foreign au pairs and nannies, families in New Orleans turned the daily duties of child-rearing over to Mammies, many of whom even wet-nursed the white babies as Mammy Lou Lou did for Daddy and his two brothers. (Who took care of her own children? Is that why were they missing from her life in old age?)

Trips to the South always included a learning segment, lessons in cautious behavior that Daddy or Mama thought their irrepressible little girl needed, coupled with the historical back stories attempting to explain the inexplicable, like why I couldn’t drink out of the “colored” drinking fountain and vice versa. Why the Tuskegee airmen that particular day? I don’t know. Most likely, the topic was sparked by a newspaper story. Whatever, Mammy Lou Lou and the Tuskegee airmen—“some of the war’s greatest heroes,” Daddy said— were linked forever in my mind; and it seems a valid link.

I shared that story and Dan’s essay and photos with my veterans’ book group last night. We decided to read next a book on the pilots and selected from the eight we found online: Black Knights: The Story of the Tuskegee Airmen by Lynn Homan and Thomas Reilly (Pelican Press, 2001.) Any other recommendations?

R., an African American man who lost a leg in Afghanistan, said, “Dan Taylor’s story of becoming friends with the two old pilots after he took them up in the plane they’d flown is very inspirational to me. In the aftermath of war, even decades later, there can be good surprises, people reaching across age and race lines to honor those who served. His respect for those men and their tradition is heartfelt.”

D.T., you are a good man. I am always appreciating you more,, and on deeper levels, than I would have guessed the first time I heard your sexy voice and sat straight up in bed.

Readers, if you would like to honor the accomplishments of those great American pilots, help introduce young people to aviation or contribute to a scholarship fund, go to the Tuskegee Airmen Inc. website.

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

For the rest of the week, I’m giving readers what you’ve told me you want.

“No more Beastly Men!” you wrote. I agree. Enough!

“Oh, please, no Beastly Women—Mit Lecrup’s bossy wife 'Choose-Me!' depressed the hell out of me! I think I almost married her.”

As I read the stories coming in from men about their domineering, sexually-withholding wives; their lying, cheating lovers; the women who only loved them for their money and left them broke and the women who reached into their chest cavity, pulled out the heart, chewed off a chunk and put it back barely beating, contaminated with saliva—I too thought, Enough. I can’t abide the subject long enough to write the post. Let’s all agree that women can be as beastly as men—and move on.

You want summer stuff: quick book picks for lazy days; more of Carolyn’s travel commentary, more of Jamie Cat Callan’s insider French beauty advice, vacation sex tips, more erotica from my younger admirer ("Lusty Interlude"), more Hot Talk with me and M (Michael)—our version of “The View” Hot Topics—answers to intimate questions I won’t ask Kimmie (Really, guys.) and you want me to tell you something about Dan Taylor that you don’t already know.

Babes, I don’t know anything about Dan that you don’t know—He’s not likely to consent to an in-depth interview on his personal life—but if I did, I would respect his privacy and keep it to myself. If you’re not a reader of The Morning Show blog, you might have missed something special he’s shared with listeners. That I will also share with you; and I’m saving it for last because it really is the best.

Quick Book Picks

I remember the summers of my childhood partly by the books I read—and I read them everywhere, in the tree house Daddy built in the big oak tree, on the padded window bench in the attic, under my sheet with a flashlight after bedtime, in the car driving to Aunt Maude’s, everywhere. It's not summer without books, in e-reader, IPad, print. Here are five you will keep reading as you brush away flies and mosquitos and the steaks burn on the grill—

State of Wonder (Harper Collins) by Anne Patchett. Dr. Marina Singh, a research scientist, heads to the Amazon rain forest in search of her former mentor. Huge snakes, cannibals, poison arrows and passion. Could you want more?

Sex On the Moon: The Amazing Story Behind The Most Audacious Heist in History (Random House) by Ben Mezrich. A true love and adventure story with a unique twist—brilliant young NASA intern steals moon rocks for his girlfriend. What could go wrong when a romantic guy gives his girl a piece of the moon? His prison letters are hot.

The Astral (Doubleday) by Kate Christensen. Reviewers have raved about the author’s ability to write from the perspective of a middle-age man whose marriage is falling apart around him. He is not beastly. Funny, sad—and set in Brooklyn, the writers’ borough.

Self Comes To Mind—Constructing the Conscious Brain (Pantheon) by Antonio R Damasio, a neuroscientist with a philosophical bent. (He also wrote Descarte’s Error, one of my favorite books.) An exploration of consciousness, the ultimate unknown frontier. Fascinating, brilliant—and who says summer reads have to be dim-witted?

And here's one more thought on ways we can handle aging a la francaise--

French women are brainy, so they're always looking to learn new things. They travel, go to galleries and museums, take workshops and learn new languages.

It's always good to surprise everyone and yourself) by developing a brand new talent or skill.

Chose something a little shocking or funny or just plan outrageous—not only will this shake things up for you personally, but people will take notice and realize that you're not "done" yet and you still have a few tricks up your sleeve.

Personally, I've taken up playing the concertina.

It's a small accordion and I'm really a beginner, but you know what, I love it! And it makes me feel brand new, and in the immortal words of Madonna, "like a virgin...kissed for the very first time!"

Seriously, it's fun, a bit silly, and a little wild. Plus, pushing those bellows is great for upper arm strengthening!

Love, Jamie

Very Edith Piaf.

On Jamie, the concertina will look like a chic, sexy accessory. The day I met her in downtown Manhattan, some years ago, she was wearing rubber boots and carrying a fishing pole; and she pulled this off with such elan that women were studying her with that “where do I buy boots and a pole” look. Her husband, then fiance, joined us; and he was clearly enchanted with her. (Do you know that Jamie’s Grammy was a French woman? Grammies can have great style impact on their granddaughters.)

I like this tip, Jamie Cat. Keep sending us goodies. SexyPrime readers love you back.

Dan Taylor’s (Not So) Secret Life

My readers really love D.T. Women have told me that they set their alarms earlier than necessary just to spend time in bed with that voice. One reader wrote: “My husband figured out that I would say Yes to morning sex if he put on Dan Taylor’s Morning Show.” Well, D. T. certainly boosts my morning libido.

Here’s something you may not know about him: He collects and flies vintage airplanes, like the cool open bi-plane he’s flying in a video clip on the Morning Show blog. Our man is very handsome in his leather headgear. More importantly, he always looks so contented and competent piloting a plane. Could there be a more interesting and romantic—in the grand sense of the word—avocation than flying vintage planes? Before I die, I want to fly over the Rift Valley in Kenya in a plane like the one that took Denys Fitch-Hatton down in “Out of Africa,” the movie based on the story collection/memoir by Isak Dennison, the pen name of the Baroness Karen von Blixen-Finecke.

If you peruse the Morning Show blog, you’ll find more photos of D.T., sometimes in a plane, more often with music legends and other entertainers, occasionally with beautiful dogs or on tropical beaches. Great photos.

I love this one of Dan--isn't he sexy in pink?--with Adam West, TV's original Batman.

Dan Taylor and Adam West (Louis Pulice/CBS Radio)

D. T., you’re SexyPrime’s summer romance.

More Reader Request Days coming up this weekend:

Tomorrow, Another chapter in D.M.’s erotic fantasy.

This weekend: Me & M In Hot Tallk; Carolyn on travel; and a new sex tip, extended and expanded orgasms for him and her at the same time.

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

June 27, 2011

First, I have a new photo, one that bravely exposes my face. It’s been five years since my last stalker, three since the last death threat; and I am hopefully optimistic that it’s safe to show my face—but note, the eyes are shaded and in the background. Actually my eyes are my best, most startling feature. Kyria, my excellent photographer voted for the big eyes shots. I’m not quite ready for that, yet.

Do check out my interview with Mrs. D (Vicky Day) on her UK website Fashionable Maven, accompanied by Kyria's photo of me. She asked me about fashion and make-up in addition to career. I love it!

Next, I’m doing something a little different with the email today—short answers to the most-asked questions of the last several weeks.

1. “Why do you put so much emphasis on women’s orgasms? Can’t you acknowledge that some women like sex whether they orgasm or not?”

A. I’ve been writing about sex for 25 years—and I’ve heard from thousands—and more thousands!—of women asking how to have an orgasm, or several, or have an orgasm during intercourse or achieve bigger and better orgasms. Occasionally a woman, often angry, asserts that women don’t need orgasms to enjoy sex--a viewpoint more often expressed in women's magazine essays or feminist websites than in actual reader mail to sexperts. It may be true of women who also can reach orgasm most of the time. So maybe they don’t always need to get there.

If a woman has difficulty with orgasm, however, she is unhappy and likely so is her man, unless he is really fooled by all that faking. Orgasm becomes her big goal and unreached, her hidden reason for turning off to sex. I created The Orgasm Loop so that all women can reach orgasm every time, any time. That is freeing. Denying the importance of orgasm is not.

2. “Why do you admire French women so much?”

A. French women are widely admired for their fashion style and confident sexuality; and I am but one of their many admirers. When I was a teen-ager, I practiced tying big silk squares after the fashion of French women—though, of course, I didn’t wear them to school because my mother dressed me in typical WASP style, little skirts, blouses, sweaters and matching knee socks. My sisters were grown when I was born; and I emulated Ellen’s style, very French and glamorous. Like my mother, she never left the house without make-up and wouldn’t be caught in sweats and tennies outside her garden.

"Bonjour, Susan-- I love your take on French seduction and joie de vivre! You are so wise. Please let your readers know that if they have a blog and would like to write about Bonjour, Happiness! I will be thrilled to send them a gift copy. Merci and xoxoox Jamie"

She's working on her next book on French women and beauty and tomorrow, her report on how they handle aging plus Carolyn's commentary from Monaco, preparing for its own royal wedding.

3. “Was there any fall-out to naming Fred Ebel, the New York-based risk management exec, as the Beastly Man who grabbed and harassed you at a public business meeting?”

No, because I have the cell phone videos shot by two witnesses; and he knows that legally he can’t go after me as long as I am only reporting the truth about him. He richly deserves the shaming.

4. “What is happening with you and the Sexy Beast? Are you having another rendezvous and turning your hot, kinky email/phone sex fantasies into reality? Will you ever name him?”

A. July 30 Update: I outed him and put him back in again. I am done with The Sexy Beast. See the two Weiner Syndome pieces.

5. “Where is M? Are you two fighting?”

A. Readers miss M’s input. (See his posts under the category M, the AssMaster.) M and I had a little skirmish over Weiner and he chided me for “the love letter to the French posing as a blog”—but, no, we are not fighting. He’s busy with a writing project, but you will hear from him again soon.

A. BR is a bit of an exhibitionist who requested that I write about him. No, it is not incest. We are second cousins, twice removed. I wouldn’t call it an “affair” either. We both love shocking people by saying, “I sleep with my cousin.” It’s cousin sex a.k.a. we are “kissing cousins.” Yeah, it's a Southern family.

7. “Why don’t other men sound like Dan Taylor? You have me hooked on his voice which only he seems to possess.”

A. Not even other Deejays sound like D.T., the host of wcbsfm 101.1’s Morning Show. He is in a class unto himself. I was aroused by his voice, the first time I heard it—and quickly developed a crush, my very first crush, on him. Men have been crushing on me since I was three years old when the four year old boy next door turned cartwheels and summersaults in our front yard to get my attention. I don’t crush. So this was perplexing.

Inspired by D.T., I wrote about the science of aural arousal. But I have come to realize that I—and you, Babes—are responding to more than voice. We love the warmth and wit, the intelligence and the playfulness, the sexiness—and more—projected by that expressive voice. Honestly, has anyone else ever done what he does as well as he does it? Did you know he also flies vintage airplanes? The man intrigues me.

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

May 27, 2011

“Speaking for the twelve of us assembled here and also for the more than 3,000 members of the Navy, Marines and Coast Guard in town for Fleet Week—thank you for welcoming us in such a big way. We walk down any street and men and women of all ages, races and ethnic backgrounds stop us to say ‘Thank you for serving’ and shake our hands. People buy us drinks, anonymously pick up our tabs, stand and propose toasts—some of us have even been invited to family barbecues held by people we met while buying a ‘slice,’ the way New Yorkers buy pizza to eat on the go.

“We love New York! When people from other parts of the country or the world make negative comments about New Yorkers, we say, ‘You wanna’ take that discussion outside?’

“To New York, the city and its big-hearted people, thank you for your support,”—one of SexyPrime’s sailor readers making the toast at our annual Fleet Week lunch.

The group of naval enlisted men and junior officers who took me out for our third annual Fleet Week lunch included, for the first time, a woman. And the first comment out of her mouth—

“If you think it’s tough for a man to masturbate quietly in a big sardine can, imagine how hard it is for a woman. Vibrators make noise; and fingers are the slooooow go.”

That broke the ice.

The leader of this unofficial “Auntie Sue Fan Club” had meant to focus on bad hook-up stories this year, but, upon reflection, decided they could be summed up with: “Fuck Stranger Drunk, Regret Later”—or as a former JAG lawyer says: “I spent too much time on paternity, child support and alleged sexual assault cases”—and he didn’t hear the guilt stories that I do.

Finally, as Auntie Sue has often advised, Don’t Have Drunk Sex, because your nerve endings are anesthesized; and the only good part will be the exaggerated re-telling. Truly, why bother? Sleep it off and masturbate to the arousal memories in the morning.

Moving along, the discussion turned to the usual concerns of sailors (or soldiers) long away from the women (or men) they love. How do you sustain an erotic connection across thousands of miles? On re-connecting, How do you make good love to your partner when you are so desperately needy that you almost explode on contact? And, How do you handle transgressions, yours and your partners’?

I asked them what they were doing now to inject desire into those communications with their spouses and lovers; and I was surprised and delighted by these two answers—

“I have been following ‘The Diary of an Affair.’ [See category list on right hand side of blog.]The man seduced with words, with his erotic stories. I started crafting my own erotic stories about my fantasies of sex with my woman, which aren’t as good as his—He is a master at long distance seduction—but they are doing the job for her. She says she masturbates to those stories and they make her long for me.”

“I read the science post about aural arousal. That led me to stream Dan Taylor’s Morning Show to hear the ‘ultimate male voice’ as you put it. Great show! I grew up with that music; my parents are Baby Boomers so I cut my teeth on 70s rock. I don’t think the average guy can ever sound like that—and listen, I completely get your crush on him—but I did pick up some techniques for making my voice sound more arousing. When I talk to my wife, I consciously lower my voice and drop it even a little lower on some words the way Taylor does. He projects so much through his voice. I like the way you can hear a chuckle in the back of his throat when he’s dealing with subject matter that has one meaning for adults but yet is safe for kids’ ears. When I have a Skype communication with my family, I try to put that to work. It’s more sophisticated than the double entendre because it is all in the voice. My wife feels like we are having a private moment even with the kids there.”

On the matter of re-connecting, I advised—

If she is so inclined, let her give you a blow job to a (relatively speedy) happy ending. [Babes, see my #1 sex technique, The Basic Black Dress of Blow Jobs.] That takes care of the first quick release. Now you can relax and make love to the lady.

Or, masturbate to ejaculation before you see her.

Then I shared with them D. Ray’s three strategies for maintaining male sexual stamina while away from a partner or otherwise celibate.

“Most men will not use this strategy because they won’t have the patience and discipline to pull it off. It is simple—stop pleasuring yourself. Allow your masculine energy (sex drive) to build up, and then learn to naturally control your body’s sexual energy using a form of meditation or exercise. Tai Chi, Chi Gung, Meditation or Hypnosis works well for this. However, you need to be practicing a form of meditation for at least 30 minutes a day, for 5 days a week. Also, you need to be doing it right, so for something like Tai Chi, you need a good instructor.”

“This second strategy will be easier than the first, yet still requires some patience and attention. Instead of doing nothing, do something for yourself. However, do not finish. Masturbate close to orgasm, and but don’t go over the edge. Continue, and work on pushing your limits further. Try to make it to the brink about 8 times without going over, and then just stop. The beauty of this method is that you are actually practicing and learning about ejaculation control. The problem most men face when jumping back in the sack after a long period of time is realizing where their threshold is. That threshold is a lot closer during sex with a partner than solo activity, and most men fail to recognize this before it’s too late.”

“Finally, this strategy incorporates the second one, but provides a reward for holding back and pushing your limit. Masturbate close to orgasm five to seven times without losing control. On the final time, let yourself go. Strategy 3 can be used as a stepping stone for Strategy 2, so do not get down on yourself if you aren’t perfect the first time (or after several times). You may not know your body enough to recognize your threshold, so slow down and relax.”

Re. guilt and blame: “Don’t ask, don’t tell” was a foolish policy for gays in the military—but it is standard operating procedure for some couples. Before you castigate them for not being “honest,” consider the alternatives. Often we confess to relieve our own guilt--when the confession only brings pain to the lover.

Think before you confess or “share.” Is this something she (or he) really wants to know?

Think before you push for the confession or “sharing.” Is this something you really want to know?

Often an indiscretion, especially of the one-night stand variety, is best kept a secret. I don’t believe in unnecessarily inflicting emotional pain. But we all make our own rules in sex life.

The one female member of the group had the last word: “Being sexually deprived makes me voraciously horny—and my man feels like a god because he can satisfy me so quickly, so many times, so deeply.”

April 26, 2011

"What can I do to turn my wife on?" a reader asked. "Don't tell me flowers, poetry and chocolates?"

Dear Reader of the Closed Mind, sometimes the traditional ways are best. Numerous studies have shown the correlation between chocolate and sexual desire in women--and on the arousal power of words and a good voice. If you are a regular reader of SexyPrime, you know I have a crush on Dan Taylor, The Morning Man on 101.1 in New York City. Inspired by that crush, I did some research last year, resulting in a science post on the power of aural arousal--and I am still hearing from women who 1. are also aroused by a sexy voice and 2. share my crush on DT. In fact, every time I mention him on SexyPrime, I get emails from my sisters of the DT crush. We should form a group and have a monthly champagne breakfast with that voice on the sound system. Possibly an unrequited crush is best shared in the company of other crushers. (Oh, right, that is the concept behind fan clubs. I am late to the celebrity crush.)

Now reader, more news: Psychologists at Muhlenberg College in Pennsylvania were looking for evidence of a purely evolutionary aspect to female desire. They didn’t find that. (Modern women are more complicated than ovulation equals desire.) Rather, the evidence seems to indicate that women’s desire is not strictly linked to fertility. Read Stephanie Pappas’ report on Live Science.

The women in the study viewed Georgia O’Keefe’s suggestively anatomical flower paintings and compared them to less sensual works of other artists. They did find the flowers sensual and arousing. I didn’t need a research grant to figure that out. Women love O’Keefe who gave us the floral version of beautiful vaginas.

The first step of my revolutionary no-fail sex technique, The Orgasm Loop, is Visualize Arousal, inspired by O'Keefe. I teach women to choose a mental arousal image and focus totally on their own arousal with that image in mind. So many women pick an O’Keefe flower.

So dear reader, buy those chocolates and flowers and write her a poem, then read it to her in your most masculine voice.

See if you can get DT to record some poetry for me.

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime

April 04, 2011

Thank you for the good advice many of you sent to last week’s featured reader, JG, the Abandoned Husband. He was surprised—that people cared enough to write, that the Leaving Mid-Life Wife is something of a modern phenomenon and that women were as likely as men to urge, “move on with your life and become a sexual being again.” His story also inspired some related questions—and the suggestion that I invite him to New York City for a hands-on sex coaching session. (“Auntie Sue, he needs a woman like you to show him what is possible,” one man wrote; and I am flattered that he sees me so.)

To the questions—

Q. “I identified with Abandoned Husband’s wife. My man is also on anti-depressants and has trouble reaching orgasm. He has to pound me like a jackhammer to come; and sometimes he does it so long, I am sore afterward. Unlike Abandoned’s wife, I don’t mind that he masturbates to porn. In fact, I wish he would go finish that way after we’ve made love. Are there any techniques to help him finish? Is there anything I can do? I read with interest your dialogue with M—who said he has trained himself not to come every time so he can participate in more encounters at swing parties. Isn’t that hard on women’s egos?” Darcie, thirty-something, Malibu.

A. Hey, California Babe, I like your attitude.

Has your husband talked to his doctor about the sexual side effects of his meds? Possibly, the dosage or prescription can be changed. Maybe taking meds at a different time of the day will help. If his doctor brushes off his sexual concerns—please urge him to llook for another MD, someone more well-schooled in human sexuality.

Yes, her man’s difficulty reaching orgasm can be hard on a woman’s ego as well as her body. M says that some of his partners get upset or feel inadequate if he doesn’t reach orgasm with them. There are little tricks for facilitating male orgasm—like, for example, pressing your thumb against his perineum, flexing your tight PC muscle around his shaft or encouraging him to finish by masturbating to ejaculation, porn style, into your mouth, or on your breasts or buttocks. But men who have this issue due to meds tell me that they need more—a really firm and fast hand job.

Two suggestions:

Include his porn in your lovemaking, at least toward the end. Hold him and let him masturbate to orgasm in your arms. Caress his balls as he works the shaft.

Q. “Men seem to complain a lot about women’s blow job technique. I get it. We are not as good as we think we are. Neither are they. How does anyone know if they are doing it right?” Christina, Sydney, Australia

A. First, you gotta’ have game—and that means strokes. A lick and a suck won’t drive a man wild. Second, you need to spend time on genital adoration, though some women complain about men who just won’t come up for air. (I have never heard a man say, “She spends too much time down there.”)

My most popular sex technique is The Basic Black Dress of Blow Jobs. Learn the strokes. Paying close attention to your man’s responses, put them together in your own way. How do you know you’re doing it “right?” He should be obviously moved—and come in your mouth if you so desire. Afterward he will express gratitude—and, the obvious clue, will soon be begging for more.

Gentlemen and bisexual and lesbian ladies, there are directions for cunnilingus in The Sex Bible and The Sex Bible for Women. Tell me how they work for you. Send me your CJ tips and I will run the best in SexyPrime and you will receive the book of your choice from mine and my friend Dr. Sonia Borg’s Quiver Books titles.

Q. “You are the one person who will understand this: I can’t get aroused if my husband is talking to me while he is stroking and fondling me. His voice almost kept me from falling in love with him, but his finer qualities won out over the nasal Jersey accent. He likes to talk to me during sex; and he loved Daniel Ray’s tip on talking her to orgasm. So would I, if my husband sounded like your crush Dan Taylor (The Morning Show with Dan Taylor, WCBSfm101.1). What can I do to silence him in bed so I can enjoy what he does with his body?” Nadia, New York City.

A. Sounds, especially the sound of your lover’s voice, are an important element of arousal. Yes, just listening to Dan Taylor’s voice awakens my sensuality. You are right: I am aural as well as oral, the person who can understand your plight.

Now you have to make your husband understand it too. As gently as possible, let him know that as much as you love him, you have trouble getting past that Jersey accent in bed. Ask him to whisper only. Use background music or soundtrackss from the beach or rainforest to distract you. Or how about voice training? If not a voice, coach, maybe you could sign up for an improv class together. He might get a lot of help from other class members in recognizing how his voice sounds and learning to modulate his tones. Undoubtedly, you will both have fun exploring a new side of yourselves as individuals and as a couple.

And, Babe, indulge yourself. Listen to DT weekday mornings, 6 a.m. to 10 a.m. Keep his voice in your head and call on it when you need it.

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November 22, 2010

So many of you have written to ask me what ever happened to "Diary of an Affair" [See posts under that category, right hand side of blog], the hot correspondence between me and the married mystery man that came thisclose to a rendezvous. For the time being and for multiple reasons, I have opted to leave our intense attraction to one another in the mutual and shared fantasy stage. And moving right along--Daniel Ray's sex tip in yesterday's post is proving VERY popular with women and men...

Q. "I love Playing the Clit, Daniel's sex tip. But i asked my husband to try it--and he couldn't get into telling the story. He insists that the finger strokes are the crucial part. I say it's both, the mental arousal from the story and the strokes. What can I do with him?" Meg, 39, Memphis.

A. Actually, it's three elements: mental arousal, strokes--and aural arousal. He needs to use his voice to turn you on as he's telling the story. Surely the man knows how to lower his voice and make it sexy. The voice arouses you and excites your mind as the finger strokes excite your body. If he is not a creative storyteller, hand him an erotic story that appeals to you and ask him to use it for inspiration.

The ultimate sexy voice belongs to Dan Taylor, host of WCBSFM 101.1 Morning Show, five days a week from six a.m. to ten. (Stream it online if you are not in the NYC listening area.) I've written about the erotic power of his voice--and the science behind it in the post "The Seductive Voice." (I have such a crush on Dan...) With your husband, listen to Dan in the mornings. Feel his voice pouring over your body and arousing your sensual mind. Hopefully Husband will pick up some tips on modulating his voice when he sees that dreamy look on your face.

Q. "What smells most attract women, and what for men? In a carnal sense, smell is a part of everyone's self conscious. Our own pheramones are in our sweat. When I working in a fine dining kitchens, my beautiful women co-workers, from Europe and Quebec, polished the cuttlery with vinegar-water. The pungent, faintly sexual smell carried throughout the kitchen. To tease me, the girls would grab my muscles or trace their fingers around my chest and nipples in a flirtatious gesture. I remember one girl who put her fingers to her nostrils and whiffed it in when she was finished. Ethnicity and culture could play a minor role in this story, but I believe the sexual power of scent is universal. What do you know about this?" Josh

A. You are right, Josh. The sexual power of scent is greater than most people realize. Some scientists believe that we "smell" our mates--those whose genetic make-up is most compatible with our own. Nerve Zero is an olfactory sensor, a nerve that goes straight into the brain bypassing the nose. "Love at first sight" is really a chemical reaction--and scent is part of the equation. I know a man is right for me (or not) when I inhale his chest hair. Still, many of us are also aroused by certain fragrances, particularly the scents of flowers, woods and greens for women--and also the smells of food for men. Vanilla is said to arouse men--which explains why it is an ingrediet in so many women's fragrances--but not mine. I do not want to smell like a freshly baked cookie.

I love your story about the restaurant kitchen. You have confirmed my belief that cooking is a sexy art.

Q. "I thought the phenomonon of married adults re-connecting with their old girlfriends--or picking up new ones--through Facebook was an American thing. But now I discover that my husband is corresponding with not one, but two old girlfriends through FB. Meetings have been arranged. He doesn't know that I have been reading his FB messages. What should I do? Is Facebook a threat to marriage like that US pastor says?" Lenora, 43, London.

A. Reputedly the actress Eva Longoria discovered her NBA husband Tony Parker's affair with a former teammate's wife when he forgot to log off on the family computer and she read his emails. There is the real threat to marriage: the electronic trail in emails, voice messages and texts. (Remember Tiger Woods and the Thanksgiving sexting?) That US pastor who condemned FB, by the way, has admitted to having a three-way affair with his wife and another man. They did not meet on Facebook.

What should you do now? You have three choices: 1, Confess to snooping and invading his privacy if you want to bring the issue to the table. 2, If you are not ready for the confrontation, say nothing. Snoop again later to see if the meetings actually took place. 3, Let it go, if maintaining the status quo is your main priority. Say nothing and snoop no more.

I can't tell you which course to take. That is entirely up to you. But please get back to me and let me know what happens.

copyright 2008-2011, www.sexyprime.typepad.com; PARTIAL reposts only permitted with link back to original article on SexyPrime.

August 22, 2010

Do you remember how excited you got over new school supplies when you were a kid? (I still love a fresh notebook.) What if you'd been a homeless child walking into a new classroom with nothing in your hand, dependent on the teacher and your classmates scraping together some pads of paper and old crayons for you?