BREAKING: Sources have confirmed that the spider eggs which have been growing in your ear canal for the past five days are about to hatch. Nestled against your eardrum and being warmed by the gentle pulsations of your heartbeat, the egg sack containing dozens of young spiders will soon burst, experts said. “Oh yeah, any minute now,” an anonymous source said. “Those eggs have reached critical mass. We all know you thought it was just...