Hit New Levels of Narcissism in the New Year!

If you want high-grade, Hollywood/Washington D.C. type, nasty narcissism in ‘07, you must be focused. This is no game. This level of self-love is hard to achieve. You have to blow through common sense, your conscience, public opinion, the Holy Spirit, your grandmother calling you a jack ass and all kinds of other junk to become a truly biohazardous, egocentric person.

The following are seven non-negotiables for the earnest egoist. These “must haves” were taken from Suite101.com and Sam Vaknin’s Narcissistic Personality pages. (They have been paraphrased, abused, twisted and tortured by me for my selfish needs.)

1. You’ve got to get crazy with your fantasies of fame, power, unequalled brilliance, bodily beauty or sexual performance. Who cares, if in reality, you have a snowball’s chance in hell in actually accomplishing your self-stroking pipe dreams? You shouldn’t let the reality that you’re a piece of luggage dissuade you from thinking that you can achieve omnipresent oneness.

2. Lie about your achievements. Do this compulsively and needlessly and do it all the time and about everything. Why do you need to do this? Lies will make you seem interesting and attractive, which could lead to another temporary job—or possibly a sexual escapade with a very vapid person.

Yes, you should exaggerate everything you have done and get to the point where you actually believe the stuff you spew. Being deeply self-deceived helps you to con others. Never forget that. You can practice your ruse while preparing your resume, during dates, initial business meetings or while going recalling the days of your life with the unfortunate clods that have to listen to you speak.

3. Demand to be recognized as an authority on everything even though you don’t know squat concerning what you’re talking about. Use your rich parent’s name or some given title/position you occupy (but are woefully unqualified to hold), or bombastic verbiage, doctorial bluster, holy poses or just flail arms to fool the easily dazzled into looking up to you. Who cares if you got what you have via sycophancy or nepotism or deceit?

Also, if you’re lacking props in having people receive you as their expert and to help you flesh out your unfinished ego, go online to www.BogusGraduateDegrees.com and pick yourself up a Masters degree. Or heck, why not go ahead and get yourself a Doctorate? Who cares if you didn’t earn your degree? What really matters are the prefixes you can now add to your name that gives you that added oomph to keep the credulous ogling you.

4. Get concretely convinced that you are unique, and being so special, you can only be understood by, only be treated by and only associate with other special, unique or high-status people (or institutions).

Y’know, it is hard being God’s gift to the planet. One of the things that makes it so hard for you is that there are so many plebeians out there that do not share your vain vision of enormity. They are the ones who keep you grounded and tethered to the planet and therefore, must be avoided at all costs.

In addition, they don’t have big names to drop; thus, they keep your highness humbled. So you should steer clear of that crowd. You don’t need people around you without true weightiness sensitivity, name recognition and nothing to immediately add to your future. What you need, what you must have, what you should crave is the affirmation and confirmation of the conferred. Yes, you’ve got to require excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation if you truly want to be a self-obsessed, sick little toad.

5. Have people fear you and try to become notorious for having temper tantrums. Go frickin’ nuts if you don’t get your way. Have people bow in terror of your persona and needs. This works wonders on wafty people who are easily controlled.

One thing that’ll assist you in drumming up demonic rage is to increase your notions of entitlement. Yes, an expectation of unreasonable, special and favorable priority treatment will set the stage for crazy fits of fury when someone drops the ball around you.

Having ridiculous notions of how important you are will help you get past the weird feelings you have about being overly demanding, dramatic and wrathfully exacting. Anger, is an awesome little ditty in helping you to be interpersonally exploitative, i.e., helping you to use others to achieve your goals. Yes, merge your haughty behaviors with rage when you are frustrated, contradicted, or confronted and watch the good times roll as you achieve your goals by acting like a mule.

Holy cow, I almost forgot this piece of sweet wisdom: with your narcissistic wrath, learn to emotionally shift suddenly when dealing with people. Don’t just stay angry all the time. You could lose people. What you must master is the ability to flip flop between sadism and altruism, abuse and ‘love’, ignoring and caring, abandoning and clinging, and viciousness and remorse. These insane, satanic mood swings will spawn an emotional instability in your friends that will help you get what you want out of them.

6. Undervalue people and places that have added to your life. Yes, heartlessly and off-handedly abandon those who have helped you. Dispose of people, places, partnerships and friendships without a second thought. They didn’t help you get where you are, I mean, not really. Sure they put up with your monotonous monologues and seemingly unending conversations about your day, and they did give you cash to get by on when you were selling your sperm to a sperm bank on a daily basis; but other than that, they weren’t that great of a support base.

7. Lastly, here’s a final warning for those who are determined to be self-obsessed, me-monkeys: stay away from the teachings of Jesus Christ. They will absolutely ruin your selfishness. They’ll mess with your time, your talent and your treasure.

They’ll require you to speak out and selflessly act when it is inconvenient for you. They’ll put the onus on you to love people you don’t want to mess with; care for people you couldn’t care less about, give portions of your income for outreach and forgive people you’d like to crush. What kind of smack is that? That’s for people who are grand, and you my friend are not grand. Since you’re a narcissist and don’t seek to be anywhere near that which is noble, I would run from Christ’s teachings like Donald Trump would from Rosie O’Donnell if she tried to French kiss him while wearing a pleather cat suit.

* Logon to www.ClashRadio.com and watch Giles’ new video blurb, “It’s Going To Get Rough, So Put On a Cup.” Also, check out Doug’s interview with Mark Batterson, pastor of TheaterChurch.com and author of the book In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day.