Sorry about the failure the last time I posted this story. It's way better now. I was posting this on YWS and FP, and I figured I'd put it here too.

Thekid, don't worry. I'll still be updating TSSM.

Prologue

A large figure dashed away from the six powerful warriors. He let a tear drop from his eye as his brother fell to the ground, dead. He continued on, despite the heart rending pain that he was suffering from at his brother’s death.

“I will avenge you, Xaviar.” He said, looking back at the dead body on the ground “You will pay, barbarians!” The man continued away, dashing at the acid wasteland, known as the Incolto. Just before reaching the land that would surely kill him if he entered, he hurled himself into the air. He didn’t go back down. The darkness continued pushing him up until he was far enough away from the planet of Elemento to avoid its gravity. He looked back. There was the island of Terrmasse, which meant “Burning Vines”. It was there that he had grown up and spent his entire childhood. There was the Ghiac Lake surrounding it where he and his brother swam in with their friends. Finally, Nuvalose, which meant “Land of Clouds”. It was there that he and his brother leapt from cloud to cloud, and went to their friend’s house where his mother was always making the best food. But now his brother was gone forever. Negram continued through space, refusing to look back at his home ever again.

He would not be seen for 1600 years.

“And that is the story of Negram, you two.” Surge was sitting in front of his two sons, reading from the large book in front of him. “The history of Elemento” it said on the cover.

“Daddy,” The seven year old boy said “wasn’t that written a long time ago? Let’s see…” He pulled out a piece of paper and began to subtract the year the book was written from the current year. “He’ll be back in…6 years.”

Surge stared at the date the book was written and at his son’s math. Sure enough, the man would be back in 6 years. The man that made this prediction was usually correct, and this was likely no exception.

“Liat, Tor, time for dinner!” a voice yelled from the kitchen. The twin brothers got up and ran into the kitchen. Surge hid his worry and concern with a smile as he read the next sentence.

“Six children of thirteen years will stop this man from destroying the world when he returns.”

A long line of young teenagers were standing, not daring to make even a slight movement. Liat was stiff in fear of the man who was pacing along the line. He was quite muscular, striking fear into all of the teenager’s hearts.

“Welcome” The man said “to the first portion of our tournament. This test is designed to narrow down our number of contestants so we can organize the tournament in a more orderly fashion. The test is simple. Just enter the forest. Do whatever you wish today, tomorrow, and the day after that. The first 96 people to get out the following day will enter the tournament. Understood?”

Liat shivered. Even though the man was at the other end of the line, he could hear his voice quite clearly. His fighting pole hung loosely from his belt. Tor stood next to him.

“Go!” The man yelled. The contestants sped forward into the forest. Liat glanced back as the doors were closed behind him. Some people were crouching behind bushes near the doors, ready to speed out once the doors were opened. But three days would kill them if they didn’t get water, and the contestants were only allowed to bring one weapon into the challenge.

“Liat!” Tor said “There you are! We’d better find water, like we planned!”

As Liat’s voice quieted, a tiny electric purge exited his body. He sensed its motion, waiting for it to speed up should it hit water.

“That way.” He said, pointing to their right. Liat’s electrical abilities would make this challenge easier. Sure, everybody on the planet had some power, of which plenty had electricity, but he should be able to win any battle that occurred with Tor’s help. Tor summoned a light tailwind that would slightly quicken their pace.

Unfortunately, survival skills wouldn’t be enough to complete this challenge. Some people would likely kill to ensure their own spot in the tournament, so they would need to fight them off, likely even having to kill the opponent. That wasn’t something Liat wanted to resort to, but it would be necessary if nothing else would stop the attack. But one of the people who would kill just to make it to the tournament was standing before them. Tor pulled Liat up on top of a branch, where they could watch what was happening without being spotted. There was a girl glaring at two others. She had tied them up with vines and was about to hurl them into a large pit she had created.

“An earth elemental.” Tor said, observing the scene carefully.

“Look at this.” The girl said, looking from one of the girls she held captive to the other. “Sisters! Likely twins! Not identical, though, you look to different to be identical…Anyway, you two are both in my way of winning this tournament. And now you will die.”

Liat couldn’t watch this happen, so he turned to Tor.

“Fling me at them. I’m going to save them.” He said, glaring at the girl.

“You’re insane,” Tor said, summoning energy. “but fine.”

Liat was levitated in the air, then flung at the tied up girls as he pulled out his pole. He grabbed both, then kicked the vines connecting them to the ground loose. One of them froze the vines around her, and then destroyed them. She did the same to free her sister.

“Let’s go, Cerulea!” She said, charging at the attacker. She thrust out her palm, freezing her. But the girl wouldn’t go down that easily, and broke out. Cerulea charged forward, summoning an intense blast of water. As the water blasted the attacker back, the other girl froze it. The ice was too thick, and the girl stood there, motionless.

“Thanks.” Cerulea said, holding out her hand. Tor jumped down from the tree.

“Nice one, Liat.” He said “I’m Tor. Nice to meet you two.”

“I’m Crystal.” The ice elemental said “And this is my sister, Cerulea.”

“Want to come along with us?” Tor proposed “That way, we all have a higher chance of making it.”

“Sure!” Crystal said “Which way should we go?”

Liat gestured in the direction of the water. The four 13 year olds began to walk through the dense overgrowth. This was a clear sign of nearby water, as a large supply, like a river, would make way for an abundance of plant life. Sure enough, within the next five minutes, they were standing by the Nucleo River. This river ran through the center of Termasse, the island on which fire and earth elementals lived. Wind and Thunder elementals lived in Nuvalose, where all the buildings were on top of clouds. Water and Ice elementals, like Cerulea and Crystal, lived in the Ghiac Lake. Liat bounded at the lake, exited to fill up his canteen. But his hopes dropped when he saw that the water was a disgusting shade of green.

“The water must have gone through some sort of filter before entering here. The water from the Incolto must have been mixed with this water.” Liat said.

“Why our planet has to be mostly wasteland I have no idea.” Cerulea said “I wish that people could live on the Incolto.”

“That would be nice, but now only plants can,” Liat replied, looking intently past the river. “We’ll have to look for fresh water. Let’s cross the river and keep going.”

Crystal showed her worth to the rest of the group by freezing some of the river. This allowed for a temporary path across the river. The group carefully began to slide on the bridge. But Crystal forgot one thing. The bridge she made had very thin ice. This was very bad for Tor, who was the unlucky last person in the line of people crossing the river. The bridge gave way, sending the stunned Tor plunging into the acid. Liat promptly ran over to his side.

“Grab my arm!” He yelled.

“I can’t reach you!” Tor said, struggling to keep his head above the surface of the water.

“Grab the pole!” Liat screamed, reaching out for him. But the pole was too well sanded, and Tor’s hand slipped off when Liat began to pull.

“Keep him calm.” Liat ordered Cerulea and Crystal as he sped the rest of the way across the river. He soon ran back, holding a long branch in his hand.

“Grab this!” He yelled, extending the branch at Tor. The stick had many tiny extensions, allowing Tor to take better hold. Gasping for air, Tor slid onto the bridge.

“Are you alright?” Cerulea said, eyes widened.

“Yea…” He replied softly “I’m fine.” Liat immediately enlisted the help of Cerulea and Crystal in pulling Tor onto dry land. Pretty soon, Tor’s breathing was back to normal.

“Let’s keep moving.” Liat said, directing the group onward. But this wouldn’t happen just yet.

A towering beast burst out of the acid, roaring at the group. Liat shielded the group quickly in a field of energy that repelled the acid. He looked up at the creature. It was a giant serpent. But instead of a snake’s head, this serpent had the body of a woman, holding two scimitars. The snake extension had many tentacles attached to it, of which three were holding people, one girl ad two boys. One of them seemed younger them the others, while the older two were both about the group’s age.

The beast hissed, and then spat out “Ah! More food for my children! It must be another tournament!”

_________________

Sat Dec 22, 2007 11:51 am

Diamond55000

Dragon Tamer

Joined: Sat May 26, 2007 10:00 amPosts: 189Location: I'm not telling you! Why do you want to know anyways?...Are you a stalker?!

It moves kinda fast, and you don't use the elements of writing at all. I can imagine how this may be hard but you should use the basics of imagery to some extent at least. This means that you should describe the characters and the physical environment in some detail for the reader, while you may be able to see the scene in your head we can't, so you should focus on the descriptions. It's the end of the first chapter and the reader doesn't even know what The Twins look like.
Also, what happened to the girl in the ice, is she dead? What does she look like? The same for the Girl Twins (the looks not the dead part).
When Tor was in the water what was going on, was he being pulled by the current? Why didn't the girl with the power over water pull him out? Better yet why didn't he levitate himself out since he seems to have the power over the wind?
In conclusion, focus on your descriptions. There is a formula for this, I believe a good story has about 70% description and 30% dialouge. Although it is up to you on what you may feel is important in your story.Anyways continue on, I look forward to what you may write in the future.

_________________People ask me why I do all these wierd things.I tell them I have a heart of a little boy, which I keep in my desk.

Once there was a man who ate a poisonous grapefruit and died.The moral of the story:DON'T EAT POISON GRAPEFRUIT!!

I reject your reality and substitute my own.

Sun Dec 23, 2007 4:38 pm

Psyches

Ace Trainer

Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2006 10:48 pmPosts: 357Location: Australia

It's just boring.

I read the first post and there was no hint of a plot, I had no desire to read the next chapter. It's boring.

Make me care and I'll want to read about the characters because I care about them. Right now, I don't care. It's boring.

Thanks for your comments. I tried to think about them in this chapter.

Chapter 2- The Beast and an Old Opponent

“I won’t be able to take any more after this, seven will be enough food,” She said, holding up her sharp blades. “I’ll just kill you now. The kids prefer live food, but I can’t take any more people struggling like these three.”

Liat instantly panicked. “I can’t die now!” He thought “I have to take this thing out!”

“Time to show her who she’s dealing with!” Tor thought “Here we go!”

“I may prefer healing others over battling,” Cerulea thought “But when I must fight, I will fight!”

“Don’t worry, Cerulea,” Crystal thought “I won’t let you down.”

With that, the battle began.

Tor struck first, hitting the “woman” with a blast of wind. She only moved back an inch or two before Liat swung his pole at her, hitting her square on her chest. She hastily dove under the acid, and silence suddenly penetrated the scene.

This silence went on only for a few seconds before the best struck list with the side of her scimitar. Liat was thrown back into a tree, causing a sharp crack to interrupt the scene. But the others had not paid much attention to this. Perhaps, should one of them had rushed to his aid, our story would turn out differently. But nobody did, and Cerulea opened a long container that fit snug around her waist. Water burst out, striking the fiend. Crystal immediately took the opportunity to strike the beast into the air, tangling her tentacles in the tree’s many long branches. After about thirty seconds, she seemingly melted into the acid water that filled the river.

“What was that thing?” Cerulea asked, still unaware of Liat’s apparent injury.

“I remember these things,” Crystal said “They’re called Serpentines. They turn into acid waste when they are removed from liquid. It was a great war between the Elementians and the Serpentines that caused so much of our planet to turn into wasteland. Only plants and Serpentines are able to survive on this strange chemical, and they thrive on it. Elementians die on contact. Tor likely didn’t die because the acid in the river was mixed with normal water, causing it to not have such a powerful affect. But we should look out now that she made it more potent.”

“Liat!” Tor screamed, running up to him when Crystal was done speaking. Liat lay there, unmoving.

“I’ve got some bandages!” Cerulea shouted as she hastily wrapped them around the injured boy’s head. But the focus on Liat was interrupted when the three children that were trapped in the fiend’s tentacles fell to the ground. They awakened almost instantly.

“What happened?” The girl said, rubbing her head. Her long, brown hair was filled with twigs and moss.

“Rhys, this is exactly why you shouldn’t be here. We would be dead if those people didn’t take out that thing!” The older of the two boys said, glaring at the younger boy, who appeared to be about ten years old.

“Well sorry for trying to stop you from getting yourself killed!” Rhys said, getting up to his feet.

“Ignore them,” The girl said “They get into so many arguments, it’s insane.”

“Understood.” Crystal said as Tor and Cerulea continued to make sure Liat was okay.

“I’m Viti, and that’s my twin brother, Tenion. The younger one is my other brother, Rhys.

“Nice to meet you guys.” Crystal said before introducing the group to them. Rhys, Tenion, and Viti came over to the injured Liat.

“I think it would be best if we just set up some shelter around Liat and just hung out here.” Viti said, kneeling down.

“But we won’t be able to make it back to the entrance quickly if we stall!” Cerulea said, looking her straight in the eye.

“We still have tomorrow to return there. Here, I’ll make that shelter now.

She closed her eyes, and vines slowly crept out of the ground. They mixed between one another, forming a water tight dome around the tree.

“I can order these vines down after he recovers. He should be fine tomorrow morning.” Viti said.

And so a period of rest began. It turned out that, with all the confusion when Cerulea and Crystal met Liat and Tor, Cerulea had completely forgotten her enchanted water case, which provided an infinite supply of water. She had, luckily, remembered it during the fight so she could use it. The group was very eager to have some of the pure water that it created. The group soon fell peacefully to sleep. Just before falling asleep, Rhys whispered into Liat’s ear.

“You saved my life, and soon, I’m going to save yours.” He said. He was the last to fall asleep.

___

The six uninjured figures woke up while the sun was still barely over the horizon.

“Wait a second,” Tenion thought, jolting up “Why are the vines gone?“

A figure stood in front of the group, glaring at them.

“Ah, good, you’re awake,” The familiar voice said “I need to clarify something with you.” She walked closer as she continued “Being frozen in a block of ice isn’t fun. Prepare yourselves to die.”

Crystal’s eyes widened when she realized who it was.

It was the girl who attacked them the previous day.

Mon Jan 14, 2008 1:22 pm

The Obsidian Wolf

Pokemon Master

Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:03 amPosts: 1559Location: Dragon's Den

Quote:

It's just boring.

I read the first post and there was no hint of a plot, I had no desire to read the next chapter. It's boring.

There is a hint of a plot, more than a hint of a plot. The whole legend at the beginning regarding the odd person who flies up into space, foreshadows the journey that the six children will undertake. I'd say this gives it more than a hint as to a plot in the making.

A couple of issues though; you need to focus on the character's emotional state. The kids were having a bedtime story read to them and while you may have only used it to bring in the legend, it sort of conveys their vulnerability, perhaps their dependance on their parents? But then when they go into this tournament thing, they don't seem to have any worry in them. It's like they're fearless, which doesn't strike me as being particularly human.

Also, you might need to define the characters a little more. Six characters is a hefty amount to maintain, and elemental powers just won't seperate one name from another. A description of each would be useful, and perhaps you could have introduced them slower, so that we could get an idea of who each one was and what they are like.

Some parts are cinematic. While I know that you are playing this all out in your head (and when I play it out in mine, it looks damn good, kudos to you) it makes it feel a little...corny? Take this part:

Quote:

Liat instantly panicked. “I can’t die now!” He thought “I have to take this thing out!”

“Time to show her who she’s dealing with!” Tor thought “Here we go!”

“I may prefer healing others over battling,” Cerulea thought “But when I must fight, I will fight!”

“Don’t worry, Cerulea,” Crystal thought “I won’t let you down.”

I can see how that would work on 'the big screen' and man, it would be damn effective. But this actually reads like it's directions for a film and loses the drama that you were trying to create.

Oh, another problem that isn't too big an issue is the ending to the last one:

Quote:

“Ah, good, you’re awake,” The familiar voice said “I need to clarify something with you.” She walked closer as she continued “Being frozen in a block of ice isn’t fun. Prepare yourselves to die.”

If she wants to clarify something, why is she about to kill them? When sounding dramatic, or making a character sound dramatic, you must ensure to make them look as natural as possible. I used to have this problem all the time, and the dramatic, cliched catchphrases of my villains ended up highlighting my own stupidity, as well as the character's. When reading it through, constantly think to yourself 'would this really happen?' (within limits, of course, magical water abilities etc isn't exactly realistic, but you get my point. )

In short (lol, irony?) this is a brilliantly thought up fic and I can see that you've put a lot of effort into writing it and making the whole world seem alive (which you've suceeded in doing so, and I love it.) The only problem is character development and authorial narrative over cinematic scenes.

Keep this up, the plot is excellent (and yes, there is one Psyches) and I look forward to the next chapter.

~Obs.

_________________

"Play with fire and expect to be burned."

Mon Jan 14, 2008 2:00 pm

poplers

Pokemon Ranger

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:56 pmPosts: 658Location: Georgia, US

I just find that every single piece of dialogue is extremely cliché and kind of dumb and easily predictable. As I was reading through the prologue, I sort of looked at it like an easy to predict movie, which was bad. Those movies are never entertaining when you can figure out what the person will say next. Just make your people's speech much more awkward, or much more real, as compared to

Every single cliché rolled into one wrote:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

And from the dialogue, I wouldn't expect any more from you frankly.

The story is decent, not really captivating, but the dialogue is obscene and predictable. :(

Obs, my reasoning for the character change would be the time lapse. In the prologue, Liat and Tor are 7. In chapter one, they are 13. Aging causes character change in the real world, and should come along in books as well. I do see your point about fearlessness, but I think Liat's thought when encountering the Serpentine slightly combats that. I suppose I should make more to address that issue, though.

So, the things I need to work on are:

Character Development (I knew this would be an issue)
Cinematic and predicable dialouge

PS Thanks for the defense, I almost wanted to attack Psyches when I read it. i don't think I'll have to worry about him reading that, he obviously isn't following this story anymore.

Mon Jan 14, 2008 3:56 pm

Psyches

Ace Trainer

Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2006 10:48 pmPosts: 357Location: Australia

Thunder_dude7 wrote:

Obs, my reasoning for the character change would be the time lapse. In the prologue, Liat and Tor are 7. In chapter one, they are 13. Aging causes character change in the real world, and should come along in books as well. I do see your point about fearlessness, but I think Liat's thought when encountering the Serpentine slightly combats that. I suppose I should make more to address that issue, though.

So, the things I need to work on are:

Character Development (I knew this would be an issue)
Cinematic and predicable dialouge

PS Thanks for the defense, I almost wanted to attack Psyches when I read it. i don't think I'll have to worry about him reading that, he obviously isn't following this story anymore.

Don't try and give me sh!t for being honest with you about your story. You've said some extremely unjustified and nasty things on mine, at least I gave construcitve criticism whereas you just slander people's stories.

It's the difference between intelligence and stupidity. See, I'm intelligent... And you... well...

Oh, I get it. I go around slandering your work, and you offer perfectly constructive criticism.[/obvious sarcasm]

Wrong! Perhaps you blipped over this part:

Prolouge wrote:

“Six children of thirteen years will stop this man from destroying the world when he returns.”

How much more obvious am I supposed to get? Am I supposed to flat out say everything that will happen in this entire story?

And in my own defense, go and look at your story. Now, compare all the criticism I delivered to that of Diamond. She delivered the same stuff, yet you get all angry at me? How is that fair?

And don't go saying "(S)he gave me ways to improve", because that will just prove you were being just as negative to me as I was to you. If you won't help me, just stop reading this.

Your stupidity/intelligence line doesn't exactly work. You see, it's me who is intelligent, and you are...not.

I would like to thank the mod responsible for that "Fail" on Psyches. It's quite fitting.

Tue Jan 15, 2008 7:08 pm

Crimson

Pokemon Ranger

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pmPosts: 716Location: USA EST

*sigh* Psyches, you're looking at this story from the point of view of someone who has experience. I lost track of how many times I've said it, but I'll continue to say it until you finally understand. We do not have your years or schooling experience. Most of the us do our best but we can't look at things the same way as you. Regardless, you have quite the temper; don't bother yelling at me, it is just what I've observed over time. If you have an issue with this then you can either take a look and see if you do come off that way at times or if I don't hear your intended tone. Online the latter is very probable. And if that's the case I apologize up front.

Thunder, you've yet to truly understand that you're not as good as you'd like to think. Yes, I am referring to the dreaded and annoying egotistical stage. Things aren't always going to be worded nicely. I'm sure you're trying to be a s gracious as possible whenever someone nicely points out an issue. In fact, you may not even mind it when they do it. But, when someone like Psyches, or even myself, is honest to the point of being rude most people bristle, feel insulted, and get defensive. It's natural, I still bristle sometimes. Insulting someone over it isn't the answer. In fact you're only adding fuel to the fire, and if Psyches is anything like me, he'll only be more encouraged.

With all honesty, I would probably agree that this was boring if I actually read it. But, I feel that way about most of the stories on this site so I tend to watch the reviews and briefly skim the chapters to see if there are any obvious technical issues. His comment that this was boring or that there was no apparent plot could just be his bias as to what he considers a good plot.

And Thunder, you haven't been all that sweet and cuddly either when commenting his stories.

Thunder_dude7 at "The Impossible Gym" wrote:

*Yawn*

You lost my attention at "If I work for the ranger CORPS..."

He is such a gary-sue. He beats everybody who he fights. The fact that he is perfect is not just dangerous because it is unrealistic, but because he will beat any opponent effortlessly. Thus, no serious conflict will ever arise.

I just stopped reading at the line I mentioned.

Ironically, you two sound very much similar to my ears.

Let me propose what I hope will be a simple solution. Psyches, I love blunt honesty so I'm not saying stop that style of reviewing. But, please try to keep in mind that while it's important to tell people what's wrong with their work, it's also important to realize that the people on this site aren't professionals. When someone gets you mad, take a deep breath, walk away, or do whatever you have to to write a response back that won't escalate into a fight too much. Granted, that doesn't always work, I'm living proof, but just try to keep a semi-level head.

Thunder, work on that ego of yours. Don't give me "I don't think I'm all that great" because in some part of your head you do. It's obvious, especially in situations like this. When you're posting and your ego feels the sting of an insult go nurse your wounds quietly before responding. It saves us time and creates less tension.

Or, if you want a really simple solution, don't speak to each other. If you don't like each other, don't go where there's sure to be a fight or an argument. It's that simple.

_________________

Link changed to my library.

Tue Jan 15, 2008 8:49 pm

poplers

Pokemon Ranger

Joined: Sun Apr 08, 2007 2:56 pmPosts: 658Location: Georgia, US

:( This thread has made me sad.

As Psyches, you obviously know how to write, but that doesn't give you the RIGHT (HHAHAHAHAAHA LOLOL PLAY ON WORDS THAR EVERY1!!1) to go around bluntly bashing people's work. Just smooth out what you're trying to say and apply reasons to it. What I say is somewhat blunt, but I still provide reasoning to it, don't just say 'BLAH IM BORED ENTERTAIN ME' when you aren't providing any clue as to how to entertain you. Also, this library isn't here to entertain just you, one man's trash is another man's treasure. :o

Thunder, your ego is tooooooo large. That makes me sad too, as you think that your writing is as good as Psyches'. I'm all for an intelligent debate, but neither of you are being intelligent.

So please, both of you stop being so damn stupid and get a hold of yourself.
Psyches you're not 10, so stop acting like it.
Thunder, you might be 10, but write like you're 20 plx. Oh, and lose that giant thing called your ego. kthx.

Crimson, I still think you're cool. :p

As for the story, its decent, you know, not anything special, I just skimmed over these past updates, and I feel like it could use more depth to it, some symbolism, some imagery, some personification etc.. Just spice up your writing style and your writing techniques and your story could be good.

Its like a good screenplay for a movie, but the movie was acted out by bad actors. It could be good, but just needs better choices and execution. :(

_________________

afk

Tue Jan 15, 2008 9:06 pm

Psyches

Ace Trainer

Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2006 10:48 pmPosts: 357Location: Australia

Okay, Thunder, there comes a time in your life when you no longer care. Instead of try to help people, you just point them toward help. I don't have time to sit here going through your story and telling you the myriad of errors. Instead, I just say what the errors have caused- and that is boredom. It made me bored. I don't know you, from what you've posted in the past i don't particularly like you, so I'm not going to go inot depth because I don't care. BUt I will point you in the right direction. Your story bores me to no end.

Crimson, yes, you're right, I love you, marriage, love, pie, all that jazz. But he started this by unjustifiably criticizing my works. He has not reached the stage in life where he can justify being vague. I have.

And poplers, I like you so much more for what you wrote. You're a lot more intelligent than I first percieved. I shall watch you.

I would like to point out that you made your "Boredom" comment before my comments on your story.

As for the ego, I realize that Crimson is superior to all and all of that jazz, but I do consider myself good after reading comments like these:

Quote:

Whoa. This is awesome! I loved it!

Quote:

Ooh, I like your intro.

Quote:

I really like this, you've got some great ideas.

Quote:

I think you have a good potential with this piece!

Quote:

dude that was awsome!!!!!!!!!! I could really see where they were!i give it a 5 out of 5!

Quote:

spectacular!

Quote:

very nice peice of art here

Quote:

This story is really good.

Quote:

Great start.

It is important to understand that with the exception of the "Dude that was awesome" comment, these are excerpts. The 1st one also was not complete, but they didn't deliver any real criticism. The rest did.

(All comments copied from YWS)

Wed Jan 16, 2008 5:02 am

Psyches

Ace Trainer

Joined: Wed Feb 15, 2006 10:48 pmPosts: 357Location: Australia

Thunder_dude7 wrote:

I would like to point out that you made your "Boredom" comment before my comments on your story.

As for the ego, I realize that Crimson is superior to all and all of that jazz, but I do consider myself good after reading comments like these:

Quote:

Whoa. This is awesome! I loved it!

Quote:

Ooh, I like your intro.

Quote:

I really like this, you've got some great ideas.

Quote:

I think you have a good potential with this piece!

Quote:

dude that was awsome!!!!!!!!!! I could really see where they were!i give it a 5 out of 5!

Quote:

spectacular!

Quote:

very nice peice of art here

Quote:

This story is really good.

Quote:

Great start.

It is important to understand that with the exception of the "Dude that was awesome" comment, these are excerpts. The 1st one also was not complete, but they didn't deliver any real criticism. The rest did.

(All comments copied from YWS)

Forgive me for not thinking much validity of the statements which are spelt incorrectly or which use improper grammar. I admit that I make many mistakes, but I will not adopt a different grammar structure for the sake of writing here and my spelling errors are only caused from typing too quickly and hitting the wrong keys.

Okay, I've re-read your story and although I'm not particularly fond of it, The second chapter is pretty good. I just want to know a few things.

I can't picture the snake creature in my head. You say it was like a snake but at its head there was a body of a woman? So a snake's body with a woman's body for a head? That makes me think of a woman with a huge snake's tale waving around from her neck.

And from the description I was completely confused about the children it was holding.

I hate when critiques say this- but if it were me writing... which it isn't...But even if I were investing in this story so it could be published I would say that the appearnce of the snake creature should be much bigger. The description and first movements of it before it spekas could take up a whole paragraph or two, just to set up the grandeur of the fight.

As for the dialogue, it's not quite as tacky as`I first thought, but it does need work. This is an epic, the story is big, so naturally the dramatic tension will be high, but the dialogue seems a bit too dramatic at some points. It needs to relax and loosen its tension, but on the same token it can't be too relaxed or it will seem thoughtless or frivolous.

I really wish you'd make more effort to describe the characters too, the new ones are confusing me, I don't even know how many there are now :S

_________________"If I'm flying solo at least I'm flying free,"

www.youtube.com/ThePlastikOne

www.youtube.com/PsychesEntertainment

Wed Jan 16, 2008 7:12 am

Crimson

Pokemon Ranger

Joined: Sun May 07, 2006 2:33 pmPosts: 716Location: USA EST

Thunder_dude7 wrote:

As for the ego, I realize that Crimson is superior to all and all of that jazz

It's your opinion, everyone has a right to that. I'm not going to try to persuade you otherwise.

_________________

Link changed to my library.

Wed Jan 16, 2008 2:15 pm

Diamond55000

Dragon Tamer

Joined: Sat May 26, 2007 10:00 amPosts: 189Location: I'm not telling you! Why do you want to know anyways?...Are you a stalker?!

Well, things have been..intresting here to say the least.

Thunder, I still think you should continue with the story no matter what. One bad comment isn't the end of it all. The general opinion seems to be that people like your story and you should by all means work to finish this piece.

That being said, improvement can be made. The first area you can improve on is description(yes, I know I've said it a thousand times before). With an avid description of the characters and setting you will ensure that the reader actually gets intrested enough to want to continue to read, since they can engross themselves in the novel. Description itself can only go so far, which is why action scence are important. When doing an action scence, or any really, you should always maintain a sense of remote realism. Your characters don't seems to have that certain spark that the reader can connect with, the emotions may be off. Playing on drama is another important point. I have to agree that some of your dialogue seems "staged". You are trying too hard to sound dramatic, when you stop trying to make a great masterpiece and write because you feel that it is genuine, is when you will succeed. Until then it will continue to sound awkward. So to summarize, you should work on:
description
character (emotion)
phraising of words to give a sense of genuine drama

Psyches, while you may feel that your comments are justified you do come accross as rather rude. This site is here so that we can all post our ideas in the hopes of improving even a little as writers. None of us are professional writers, so when posting your comments do try to use some tact.

_________________People ask me why I do all these wierd things.I tell them I have a heart of a little boy, which I keep in my desk.

Once there was a man who ate a poisonous grapefruit and died.The moral of the story:DON'T EAT POISON GRAPEFRUIT!!

Psyches, I'm sorry about his whole mess. I was mainly upset with the fact that you came across as rude. I don't mind other critiques because they always have something good to say or don't come across as harsh. Had you said "I think this sounded boring because of *Insert reason here*" I would have been fine. Again, sorry.

I always knew that character development would be a huge issue for me. I have gone to elfwood and read some guides on the subject.

I do plan to continue. Thanks for the criticism.

Wed Jan 16, 2008 7:20 pm

The Obsidian Wolf

Pokemon Master

Joined: Wed Sep 27, 2006 12:03 amPosts: 1559Location: Dragon's Den

Hooray, argument over, I'm not going to add fuel to a fast-dwindling fire.

Before you go and write the next chapter with 'ZOMG DESCRIPTION' on your mind, let me warn you:

Make the description relevant. There is nothing more annoying in a novel than over description where description is not necessary. Check this out:

Quote:

Jenny (for she is always a good person for examples,) woke with a start. She threw back her patterned duvets, and glared at the offending alarm clock, its smooth chrome bells being attacked by the crashing inverted pendulum.

She hit the button that read 'off' and got out of bed, the feeling of her soft wool carpet producing a warm feeling in her toes...

Seriously, who actually cares? When writing parts with descriptive peices...(or rather, writing pieces with descriptive parts) you must make sure that the description you include is there for a reason.

So, as Psyches rightly said, the snake woman in the lake; at the part, you could have built tension by describing the snake woman's appearance out of the water and delayed the moment (building tension) when she first speaks by describing the 'manic and furious look in her eyes, etc.'

It gives it a bit more description which has a number of effects:

It tells the reader more, without it being boring.
It adds tension.
It adds length (which shouldn't be a main concern, but length can sometimes lead to tension which is good.)

Which was earlier tonight! Hopefully now you'll figure out how many characters ther are .

Chapter 3- Battle of Suffering

Tor was the first to attack the girl, his defensive attitude taking over. He shot a gust of wind ahead of him in order to stun her before he attacked. His technique worked, and he grabbed her arm and spun her to the ground. As he was about to attack again, his foot was suddenly captured by a vine. It pulled his leg sharply into the ground, and he fell over. Similar vines crept over his body, entangling the struggling figure in a mass of green ivy. The girl stood up and faced the group.

Tenion and Earth attacked at once, fighting to protect their 7 year old brother. Tenion’s flame kept the girl’s plants at bay as Viti outmatched her in physical combat. But Tenion soon found himself thrown into a tree, leaving a large dent in it. The unconscious body fell to the ground. The girl turned around and used thorns to stun Viti as she tangled her and her brother in vines, as she had with Tor.

Crystal dashed out, and began firing a barrage of icy blasts. The girl was frozen, but she broke out and struck her to the ground. Cerulea quickly approached her sister and placed her hands carefully on her. Within seconds, Crystal was fighting again. The girl, however, distracted Crystal with a large vine as she tangled Cerulea. She then turned and summoned a storm of vines to entangle Crystal.

She turned to the only two people she had yet to trap: the 7 year old Rhys and the injured Liat. Neither would be able to fight her.

The girl smirked as she charged an orb of energy in her palms and fired the blast at Liat. The light enveloped the area.

The light faded, revealing the result of her blast.

Rhys lay there, beaten up by the blast.

“Wha-“ The girl began, but Rhys interrupted her.

“You won’t…” He said “Kill…Liat…”

The boy kept breathing, the girl staring at him.

A pain suddenly pierced her chest, and she fell to the ground, dead.

Liat stood behind her, one of her thorns in hand. He ran over to Rhys.

“Are you alright?” He said, holding the boy’s head up.

“Get them out of the vines…” He replied. Liat obeyed, and used the girl’s knife to cut the others free.

“It isn’t your fault…” He said. Tenion and Viti could feel the life slip out of the boy as his breathing stopped.

Rhys was dead.

Viti and Tenion looked back at the cross that marked their brother’s grave. They had ventured to the location where their older brother had died and buried Rhys next to him. They continued walking away, to the exit of the forest.

Crystal, meanwhile, looked back sadly at the mourning siblings. Viti’s braid was floating along with the rest of her dark, brown hair, and tears fell from her otherwise bright green eyes. Tenion’s eyes were already dark brown, but they almost had no color in them anymore. His black hair rested in the middle of his neck, not flowing back, despite their walking.

The branches hung particularly low in this area, and Tor’s light brown, spiky hair brushed against the branches. His pale brown eyes were stained with tears, no different from Liat’s. Liat had always wondered why he and his brother, twins, looked so different. Liat’s hair was dark brown and flat, unlike his brother’s. His eyes also were virtually black. Everything Liat was, his brother was not, and everything he wasn’t, Tor was.

Crystal, meanwhile, seemed strangely cheerful. Her blonde, curly hair floated briskly in the wind, and her teal eyes didn’t even have one tear. Cerulea sharply contrasted her, her hair strait, dark, and put into a pony tail.

Cerulea walked in front of the group, not daring to catch eye contact with anybody. Liat pretended to see the exit, rushing ahead, then stopped and said that it wasn’t there. He looked back at Cerulea, and managed to catch eye contact for a couple of seconds. Her dark blue eyes caught his, and they just stared as they walked on. Cerulea looked away, and the walked on. Little did anybody know that this fake gesture would change their entire adventure so dramatically.

“Look!” Tor said “The exit!” He was right. The doors stood open, welcoming the group. They ran to the exit, their feet pounding on the ground like a stampede of wild hogs. They all halted when they exited the doors. The man from before was there with a clip board.

“Congratulations,” the man said “You guys are the 73rd through 78th to make it out. Names, please?”

My distincy lack of comments doesn't mean that everybody's lost interest because of the comflict with Phyches, right? Well, here's the next installment, which will reveal more of the characters'...character.

***

Chapter 4-Thunder Cat

Liat, Tor, Tenion, Viti, Crystal, and Cerulea stood in the crowd. These were the 96 who had made it through to the battle round. They were now announcing the teams they would be competing on during the battle portion of the tournament. They all waited eagerly for their names to be spoken.

The woman read off another team.

“Let’s see here…the next team will be Cerulea Ghiacio…”

Cerulea seemed startled when her name was announced.

“Crystal Ghiacio…”

They smiled at one another, overjoyed.

“Liat Tuolone…”

Liat smiled, looking over at them.

“Viti Fuolose…”

The four of them were rather freaked out by this. So many of them on one team?

“Tenion Fuolose…”

They were no longer the only ones freaked out. The woman reading the names’ eyes were quite wide, noticing the sets of twins. She was even more startled when he read the last name.

“…and Tor Tuolone.”

They were stunned at this. What were the chances that they would all get on the same team?

The woman read off more names as the six of them walked over to the hallway. Viti walked up to the woman to grab the key to the locker room, then followed the others. They walked on through the orange-carpeted, white-walled passageway, passing endless doors. Viti finally noticed the door with the same number on it as her key.

There was a teleportation pad in the center, which would be used to take them to the coliseum. Once there, they would battle and go on to the next round. The room also featured benches and a large TV that the team members who were not participating in the battle would use to watch it.

The time crawled on slowly, giving them time to talk.

“Hey, Cerulea.” Liat said, walking over to her. “Isn’t it cool to be on one team?”

“Yeah, it is,” She whispered.

Liat narrowed his eyes, confused.

“You don’t seem excited.”

“I am.”

“Okay…”

Liat grew bored of Cerulea’s dull personality and walked over to examine the TV, which was currently showing the crowd waiting for the first round. Meanwhile, Viti was talking to Tenion.

“This room is cool, isn’t it?” She said, looking around.

“Yeah! There’s a teleportation pad and a HUGE TV, and…”

“Tenion…”

“and benches and …”

“Tenion…”

“…and drinks and snacks and-”

“Shut up!”

“Ok!” He said as he quickly shrank down onto a bench. Tor, meanwhile, was getting to know Crystal.

“So, what’cha wanna talk about?” Tor said, leaning against the wall.

“Well, I’ve recently read a great book called Winds of Rebellion, and it’s great!” Crystal replied, her spell book in her hand. “It’s about-”

“You know, I spent countless hours getting ready for this. Constant practice on learning how to fight. You’d think it would be as simple as the whole idea of beating people up.”

“Point taken, you aren’t a reader. Do you like animals? I like tropical fish and polar bears. They’re truly fascinating.”

“Being shown on the contestant’s screen now is the person who will compete in the 1st round. It will be 1 on 1.” He said.

They looked up at the screen, then toward the person it displayed.

It was Liat.

***

The group had selected their name as Team Alpha and begun watching the battles. After several matches, it was finally Liat’s turn. He stepped on the teleportation pad and traveled to the coliseum.

“In the red corner, we have Team Alpha’s Liat Tuolone!” The announcer said, looking at the battlefield.

Liat was so focused on his opponent that he didn’t hear her name or team. It didn’t matter to him, though, as he pulled out his pole.

“Begin!”

The girl had no weapon, but charged at Liat anyway. He readied his pole to stop her and hit her in the stomach. She quickly recovered and dove under his pole and put her finger tips up to his stomach.

“What the-” Liat began, but he suddenly felt a stabbing pain and fell to his knees. He looked up and saw what had stabbed him.

The girl had grown long, cat-like claws made of electric energy.

Liat tried to strike her with an attack, but he found that her attack had seemingly disabled his abilities. He tried to keep her back while he recovered, but the pain stopped him from doing so and he fell onto the wall. He looked at her as she prepared to strike him again, and dodged. He tried everything he could do without his abilities, but nothing worked. He finally recalled a lesson his tutor had taught him.

“Perfect.” He said, looking back at her. He had now recovered enough to produce a small charge, similar to shocking somebody using static.

He focused on her and prepared to strike. When she was close enough, he used two fingers and pushed down on her inner shoulder, shocking her. This was a seemingly harmless move simply used to fake her out before using a real attack. But when she let out a quick wail and fell onto the ground, it was clear this was not the case. The place he had hit was an area where thunder elementals produced high amounts of energy for their abilities. When it is struck, it is bad for these skills, so the body send the message of pain in high doses. This strategy would work on any thunder elemtnal.

Cheers broke loose as Liat smiled.

He finally gave way to the pain from her initial attack and fell down just as it was announced that he had won.

Meanwhile in the room, Liat’s comrades were watching eagerly. They cheered when he won, but Cerulea continued watching and saw him fall. She observed two medics rush out to help him, then finally noticed one shake his head. Recognizing this sign, she ran to the teleportation pad, then over to Liat.

“Let me through!” She screamed, pushing the medics aside. Liat’s wound was severe, and she could tell it had the potential to kill him.

“We can’t save him. He went untreated for too long.” one medic said, frowning. “Further effort will keep him alive longer, but it will only cause him pain. We’re going to kill him now and get it over with.”

“No!” She screamed, placing her hands on his wound. The medics pulled her back.

“Don’t do that! He’ll only suffer!”

“No! I won’t give up on him!” She said as she blasted water on the medics, pushing them against the wall. Two guards came and pulled her towards the teleporting pad, despite her struggling.

“That’s it!”

Cerulea closed her eyes, releasing a blue aura from her body. She slumped to the floor. The aura moved to Liat’s body, making contact with the wound. One of the medics held a knife in the air above him, though the wound was healing rapidly.

Just as he brought the blade down, Liat dodged out of the way, grabbed Cerulea, and ran to the teleportation pad.

“Liat!” Tor said, running to his brother. Liat’s wound was gone, and the only sign that it had ever happened was his torn shirt.

“Don’t worry about Cerulea,” Crystal said, lifting up her sister’s body “She did that when I nearly lost my arm to my shark. She goes unconscious, the wound heals completely, and it doesn’t even leave a scar. She’ll be up in an hour or so.”

Liat kneeled beside Cerulea.

“Thank you.” He said “I’ll repay you. I promise.”
***

I decided to try revising the chapter after I wrote it. Yeah, that's unusual. Well, be ready for the next update, which will feature the next two rounds. The main plot is almost here...

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

You cannot post new topics in this forumYou cannot reply to topics in this forumYou cannot edit your posts in this forumYou cannot delete your posts in this forumYou cannot post attachments in this forum