Unwrapping parenthood one nappy at a time

Are We Getting Enough Sex (Education)?

Spoiler alert: Before you get too excited or worried this post isn’t about my sex life.

I’m not a fan of moral panics, unlike the media, but I’ve been picking up on a growing wave of concern about young people and how they learn about sex.

It doesn’t help that everywhere I look there are adverts for Fifty Shades of Grey; a film that seems to be reinforcing the idea that if women want a relationship they will do as men tell them to do. And I mean the relationship outside the bedroom. Not the kinky sex.

This is a massive subject so I am going to focus on how this makes me feel about being a parent.

You may well now be shouting at the screen:

Why on earth are you thinking about this when Baby B isn’t even one?

Well, partly it’s because I know time will fly by and the ‘tricky’ questions will start when we least expect them. And partly because since I became a dad I’ve become more aware of the weight of responsibility to raise a decent human being.

And I think that I have a particular responsibility because I’ve got a boy. Before you take to Twitter to rant at me, I’m not for one moment saying boys are a problem per se. But the uncomfortable truth is that when it comes to sexual offences most of them are committed by men and most victims are women.

Any kind of negative behaviour is likely to be learned in childhood and is likely to be manifesting by the time a person reaches adolescence.

Now I don’t anticipate for one moment that my son is ever going to do anything bad. But there’s the rub. No one ever does. No one looks at their little boy (or girl) and imagines them hurting another person. But it happens.

That doesn’t mean it’s always the fault of poor parenting. External influences, especially peers and societal norms, are going to battle with whatever mum or dad have said and done. But we definitely have a head start in laying some strong foundations during the early years.

It would be easy to flip out in the face of this rising tide of negative chatter about the next generation’s sexual attitudes. So I will say that I don’t believe this a lost cause.

It’s up to all parents, teachers, and anyone who has a stake in raising a child to make sure they feel confident about talking, in an age-appropriate way, to the children and young people in their lives about healthy sex and relationships.

So when should sex and relationships education start?

When Labour announced back in 2009 that all five-year olds would get sex education there was the usual rapid descent into a sociopolitical tug of war over this thing called childhood, which some people argue must be preserved as a perfect bubble of innocence until the child becomes a teenager. And by then, as we all remember from our own youth, the last thing you want to do is have any adult talk to you awkwardly about the birds and the bees.

Children’s charity The NSPCC is now calling on the government to take action to ensure teenagers get a clearer message about healthy relationships.

Claire Lilley, head of child safety online at the charity, said:

“…action is urgently needed by the government to make updated sex and relationship education a statutory right for every child and young person. There needs to be a greater focus in schools on topics such as sexual exploitation and violence against girls and young women, as part of a balanced curriculum.

“We need to nurture children to have positive relationships based on mutual respect.”

Well, I wholeheartedly agree. And I think parents can start this nurturing as soon as babies understand that they are a separate person.

What I mean, for parents like me whose offspring are still at the toddler stage, is this is not going to be telling them about sex. It’s going to be all about modelling respectful relationships. And as Baby B’s sense of self develops that includes him and the way we interact with him.

So I think it starts with something as simple as explaining to Baby B what I’m doing and not just treating him like an object.

For example, I’ll let him know that I’m about to wipe his face or change his nappy and why I’m doing it. He may not understand the words yet but I think there is something reassuring about the tone and it shows that when I do something I am including him in the act and if he gets upset I’ll reassure him before carrying on.

I’m sure this is what most parents do anyway, but I’m aware that sometimes when I’m in a rush it’s easy to start bundling him into his clothes as if he’s a doll.

And the other thing I’m becoming more conscious of is Baby B watching me and his mum interact with each other. We aren’t an argumentative couple but clearly there are times of tiredness and tension in any relationship, especially once a baby is on the scene.

I’m not suggesting that arguing in front of your baby is going to do irreparable damage. Nor am I suggesting that we start acting out some idealised happy fantasy of family life. But if we do disagree I think Baby B shouldn’t see us getting angry with each other. It’s probably scary and it’s much better if he sees us working things out together.

For now that’s probably enough. I’m sure this is an issue I’ll be revisiting many times as he grows up!

What I hope is that as he soaks up the world around him and starts asking questions we will be able to answer them without getting flustered or embarrassed or sending out the message that sex is a subject we don’t talk about.

As a dad I want Baby B to grow up into a teenager who respects other people’s sexuality, understands what consent means in practice, doesn’t feel he has to do anything or ask anyone else to do anything because of peer pressure. In short the kind of young man anyone would be happy for their son or daughter to fall for.

Like this:

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I think it is important to encourage your children to understand about their private parts from a very young age, they need to be comfortable in telling you if somebody who isn’t on the wipe your bum list (mum,dad, grandparents) tells them to do anything at a young age that they wouldn’t understand. It can be done casually and they can understand they must not keep a secret for these parts from mummy and daddy no matter what anyone says, that you won’t be angry at all and no one will get in trouble etc.. then the next topic for me would be other children showing them silly pictures on phones (when they are old enough to have a tablet or use a PC). General chit chat should involve talking about other people in a respective way and if anything is seen on tele etc that contradicts this saying that’s not right. And it isn’t done in an aggressive way, or explicit way, just opening the door to conversation so your child feels they can talk to you. My children are Farmers children so they understood how babies are made from a young age. Relationship is a separate issue and is dealt with from as soon as they can communicate with you, being kind and standing up for yourself are life lessons that put with all the above will give your child the best chance to understand they have a choice and shouldn’t do anything they feel uncomfortable, nor should they make anyone else.
Sorry I wanted to comment but I haven’t much time, hope it makes sense and has come out right!

Brilliantly put. Thank you for taking the time to add to the conversation. I love the ‘wipe your bum’ list! It’s sad that such a natural part of humanity still causes so much distress and confusion. The issue today seems to be too much graphic information too young. So more than ever it’s up to us parents to put it in context.

Great post! It’s actually a topic I’m covering in two posts this week myself. As a teacher I remember us being told to teach sex education to 5 year olds. The room was split. Or to be more precise 2/9
I was one that said I agreed with it. Age depending on appropriate learning though. There are many books and resources aimed to show a healthy relationship with some one based and designed for 5 year olds. The core theory is that educate honestly and appropriately what and prop healthy relationship us and year on year reinforce this and expand the understanding towards sex.
Growing up I didn’t have sex education at school until 15. At home by out dated fathers view of a talk was to chuck a porno mag at me and say “read this and ask if you have any questions” which obviously I didn’t.

My 6 year old has already asked where children come from and I honestly but appropriately told him.

Unschooled education causes a lot of problems and it’s something that needs to be changed by our approach to the next generation.

Thanks Martyn. I agree. Sex education was none existent when I was at school and my parents pretended it didn’t exist. Oh the excruciating experience of sitting watching tv as a teenager with them when a ‘raunchy’ scene started! Hopefully we can all raise the next generation with less awkwardness.

Great post and not what I was expecting when I clicked on! I totally agree with you. I have two daughters and for me, one of the most important thing I want to teach them is for them to respect themselves. I want them to be empowered and confident enough to stand-up against anything that makes them uncomfortable. I’m already talking to them (they’re 2 and 4) about the importance of being kind to each other and to realise if someone is being unkind to them.

great post! I haven’t´t thought about any of this issues yet, as I think that I still have a good time to consider this (my baby is one too)… But you made some good points. Relationship wise, that is always a matter that is in everyone’s life as long as you are in one… and of course we should always discuss things as long as in a respectful way… And this, no matter the age they are they, are watching and learning …!
#sundaystars

teaching respect to me starts when you teach a child to have kind hands (when they pull your hair) and not to pinch other childrens toys, but also when the toy is stolen off them to help them get it back! these are all the basis of teaching your child what respect is ❤

This is a great post and I completely agree. I don’t think it’s ever too early to start laying foundations for a good understanding of healthy relationships and self esteem. I want my little one to grow up with a respect of all types of relationships and to be comfortable discussing the role sex has to play in this when the time is right, hopefully the Government and schools catch up but until then it is up to us parents 🙂

Wow, a lot to think about isn’t there?? As if we haven’t got enough to do just feeding them and getting them dressed! I have no idea how I’ll approach it, and when, (I have twins) but I know that I will try and be as open and honest as possible – because hiding it or making it taboo isn’t my style. I imagine it is a tough subject to talk about – but I’m sure you’ll do a great job…you sound like a brilliant Dad already xx Jess #sundaystars

I think this is an sessions post. I think the only we plan (one year old here) on doing a little different is the being angry thing. We feel letting our Boy see us being angry with each other is not only OK but important modeling behavior. It’s OK to be angry with someone you love as long as it is respectful, doesn’t devolve into name calling, and has some ground rules.