The Science Behind Gifting

Research Shows Which Gifts People Really Appreciate; Hint: Forget Thoughtful

By

Sumathi Reddy

Dec. 3, 2012 6:33 p.m. ET

To be a really successful giver of gifts, a person usually needs to get inside the head of the intended recipient. Unfortunately, psychological studies reveal that givers and receivers have a hard time understanding each other's mind-sets, which can make for a tricky holiday experience.

Should you spend more on a gift? Should you be ashamed of regifting? Psychological studies reveal the tricky experience of giving the right holiday gifts. Leslie Yazel discusses on Lunch Break.

Take regifting. That Crock-Pot your well-meaning aunt gave you last year that you are shamefully contemplating wrapping up for your dear neighbor this year? Research shows you can go right ahead and regift it, shame intact. Your aunt probably won't mind.

More About Gratitude

Many people shy away from regifting, or hide the fact they are doing it, out of fear the original giver of the item could be offended. Don't worry, says a recent study published in the journal Psychological Science. The person who first gave the item is less likely to be offended than the regifter expects.

ENLARGE

Illustrations by Carey Sookocheff

Some gift givers spend time and energy trying to find just the right gift. But thoughtful gifts don't necessarily lead to greater appreciation, according to a study published in November in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General. The benefit of a thoughtful gift actually accrues mainly to the giver, who derives a feeling of closeness to the other person, the study found.

People are more appreciative when they receive a gift they have explicitly requested, according to a similar study published last year in a separate publication called the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.

ENLARGE

Sharon Love once received a book that was clearly regifted: It was inscribed to the giver. She gave it back to him the following year. Ms. Love, who heads a marketing agency in New York, is herself a regifter when a gift is appropriate for another person.
Neil E. Schlecht

"It turns out it's not the thought that counts, it's the gift that counts," says Nicholas Epley, a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago who co-authored the November study.

Another study found spending more money on a gift doesn't necessarily translate into greater appreciation. That might come as a surprise to many gift givers, who often assume that a more expensive gift conveys a higher level of thoughtfulness, according to the research, published in 2009 in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology.

"Everyone has been a giver and receiver often in the past," says Francis Flynn, a professor of organizational behavior at Stanford University's Graduate School of Business, who has done research in the field of gift giving. Despite knowing what these roles feel like, people often fail, for instance, to draw on the experience of being a recipient when they are shopping for a gift to give, he says.

Regifting, once a social taboo, is gradually gaining in acceptance. According to a nationwide consumer-spending survey by American Express, 58% of people believe it is OK sometimes to regift an item. That figure rises for the holiday season, when 79% of respondents said they believe regifting is socially acceptable. The survey, which polled about 2,000 people last year, found that nearly one-quarter of consumers said they regifted at least one item the previous holiday season.

Regifting can lead to awkward moments. Humera Sayeed, a graduate student at Loyola University Chicago, received a brown leather Marc Jacobs purse from her aunt last year. The 26-year-old says she appreciated the high-quality purse but it wasn't exactly her taste.

"I thought, 'You know, I know someone else would like it more than I would.' So I gave it to one of my friends for her birthday," Ms. Sayeed says. About six months later, the friend came over to Ms. Sayeed's aunt's house, purse in hand, and the aunt exclaimed, "You know, Humera has a purse just like that!"

"I said, 'You know Auntie, I loved it so much that I got her the same one,' " Ms. Sayeed fibbed. "I had a moment to probably come clean about it and I just decided it would be better not to, which I guess is why people feel sneaky about regifting."

In the study of regifting, researchers conducted five separate experiments involving nearly 500 people in both real and imagined scenarios. The reason people weren't overly bothered when their gifts were later regifted was because they generally believed the recipient was free to decide what to do with an item. On the other hand, regifters were fearful of offending because they believed the original giver should retain some say in how the gifts were used.

The different points of view held true regardless of whether the gift givers and receivers were friends. The relative desirability of the gift also didn't affect the findings. When the researchers introduced the concept of a national holiday for regifting into the experiments, participants were more likely to give away their gifts.

There are efforts to promote regifting. Money Management International, a nonprofit that helps people facing financial difficulties, has run a Regiftable.com website for more than five years and declared the third Thursday in December to be National Regifting Day, to coincide with many holiday office parties. At least one state, Colorado, has officially sanctioned an annual regifting day.

"Regifting isn't a bad thing, it's not quite as offensive as people might think it is," says Gabrielle Adams, an assistant professor of organizational behavior at the London Business School and a co-author of the recent study in Psychological Science.

Sharon Love, who heads a retail marketing agency, says she frequently regifts an item if she feels it is appropriate for another person. But she says she tries to be upfront about it.

Ms. Love, who lives in New York City, says she once received an entertainment and etiquette book that was clearly regifted: The book contained an inscription made out to the giver. "It did kind of make me mad, so I just kind of regifted it the following year back to him," she says. Ms. Love says she received a thank-you card in return.

The adage "It's the thought that counts" was largely debunked by the recent study in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, which concluded that gift givers are better off choosing gifts that receivers actually desire rather than spending a lot of time and energy shopping for what they perceive to be a thoughtful gift. The study found thoughtfulness doesn't increase a recipient's appreciation if the gift is a desirable one. In fact, thoughtfulness only seemed to count when a friend gives a gift that is disliked.

"The secret to being a good gift giver…is to give them what they want," says Dr. Epley, from the University of Chicago.

Dr. Epley says that after his wife gave birth to their second child, he spent a lot of time dreaming up what he thought was the perfect Christmas gift for her: a behind-the-scenes day as a trainer at the Chicago aquarium. "She loves marine animals, I thought this would be the best thing for her," he says.

Instead, he says, "She hated the gift. The idea of squeezing into a Neoprene wetsuit a month after giving birth and holding a stinky fish over a penguin or a dolphin was the last thing she wanted to do." She returned the gift.

Now, Dr. Epley says he asks his wife to tell him what she wants before the holiday season. She presented him with a list last week.

Wonderful article. In India as people feel it rude to explicitly ask for their gifts, we have built a work around which suits the indian market. Check out www.buddygifting.com, now give gift options and let the receiver decide what they really want without having to ask for their gifts.

Nice article on social gifting citing many counter-intuitive findings about gifting. I like the following lines - "The secret to being a good gift giver...is to give them what they want". But, the big question is - would you know what they want? For a set of really useful tools for gifting, check out www.goodsq.com. You may want to give this a try.

Someone once gave me about 1/2 dozen Curious George books for my young daughter - and I called and said thank you they were enjoyed, but we happen to have had 2 of the books already, so we donated them to the NICU of the local hospital. (Neonatal Intensive care unit - they need the books because frequently siblings of the preemies are brought to the hospital and have little to do - we were thankful for the few books they had for our older daughter to read)

I got an earful for that re-gift. I think you need to have a feel for the person, especially if you are going to announce it.

"It turns out it's not the thought that counts, it's the gift that counts," says Nicholas Epley, a professor of behavioral science at the University of Chicago who co-authored the November study.Wow, no wonder our society is failing. People gifting to God knows who to make themselves feel better seems to be the norm today. Disagree? I point to the comedic specters of Black Friday mobs, the score keeping of retailers during the Christmas season, etc.I am still touched by a thoughtful gift from a loved one. I feel sorry for you if you are not touched. Says something about you and your relationships.Your loss.

I've believed in giving folks a "holiday wish list" for years and people used to laugh at me! But if someone is going to spend money on you, why not have them do it on something you really want?! Good article. Thank you/Geri R

About August of each year, my wife and I stop buying significant things for either our selves or our kids and instead put those wanted items on a wish list. By Christmas, everyone has a well developed list of gifts to select from.

I have seen women (typically only women) make the mistake of thinking that a gift they don't like or want from is an indication that the giver doesn't care - whether it's from a significant other, a family member or a friend. Over time, I've come to realize that most people are simply terrible at buying gifts, so asking people to guess what you want will inevitably end in wasted money and hurt feelings. Observing and listening to people, remembering when they mention something they need or want, and then figuring out how to translate that into the right present is a skill - I should know since I'm one of the people who has it!

While "just give people what they ask for" may seem like a reasonable strategy, many times even if you ask someone what they often want you'll either hear "I don't know" (a common response from my niece and nephew, who have pretty much everything they could ever want) or "Don't waste your money buying me anything" (that would be my dad, who might also add, "Just come home to visit instead of buying me a gift"). As a result, after many years of trial and error my extended family has moved to a model where I select, purchase and wrap the gifts for basically everyone during Christmas - and point out what I want for others to purchase. (I was asked to buy my own gifts one year but put the kibosh on that.) People also purchase a few stocking stuffer surprises here and there, but I put a lot of time and effort into selecting the "big" gifts.

Seeing someone really appreciate and enjoy a gift you purchased, both when they open it and when they use it throughout the year, is indeed a great feeling for the giver, which is why I don't mind doing this every year. But it's not something everyone can do, and I think my family has been thrilled to hand the responsibility over to me!

It's actually the thoughtfulness that counts. My boyfriend and I got off a really long flight and he dropped me off at home and then surprised me when he came back 20 minutes later. He knew I had no food in my refrigerator and he dragged his jetlagged self to the store and brought me a bag of groceries. That's the sort of gift that really means something to me.

"It turns out it's not the thought that counts, it's the gift that counts..."

Not surprising in a "greed is good" and "no apologies" nation. Gimme what I want, heck with what you think and your silly, sentimental, thoughtful attitude. Me, me, me, and my needs. And make sure to include the receipt so that I can return it for cash if I feel like it. And don't bother giving me something cheap because I will check the price of the item on Google and tell everyone what a tightwad you are.

Men, especially husbands, are clueless, IMHO, when it comes to selecting gifts. No woman I know wants a household appliance as a gift. Or a scale.

After forty years of marriage, my otherwise wonderful spouse has no clue what I like, or would wish to own. Usually, I want more of what I already have: a really nice, silk scarf from a museum. Or nice, but not expensive, sterling silver jewelry. Something I can wear every day, not just on special occasions, or feel the need to lock away in a safe deposit box. Personally, I prefer flowers to perfume. And flowers means 'cut flowers,' not a plant. How hard is that?

Ah as long as we are on the subject, for gift cards why regiftServices like plasticjungle.com and cardpool.com will purchase your gift cards for you (and take a cut)

They are also useful for purchasing cards at a discount. Planning a big project at Home Depot - why not purchase $2000 of gift cards to make the purchase at an 8% discount? I have gotten JC Penny cards for as much as 30% off (43% discount!).

I do a full spreadsheet complete w/ price, picture, description and web-page or where to buy. My family always snickers and jokes about it, but deep down I know they appreciate how easy I've made things for them.

He made it to the grocery store and returned with a full bag of groceries in only 20 minutes? Wow, I can't make it in that amount of time on a full night's sleep, much less jetlagged. In any case, he sounds like a keeper.

@Jose, I don't think it is a greed factor as much as its related that many of us have so much stuff already. I would much rather purchase my wife what she wants, and will be appreciated and used, rather than items which will be set aside never to be used. I do like putting together thoughtful gifts such as matching a nice blouse with a sweater. I also know that it is me that enjoys the effort. May we all be blessed such that we give far more than we receive.

Tonight my wife asked me to buy her a dishwasher for Christmas, so I know one woman that wants an appliance. I'm getting an air-cleaner (our eldest daughter moved out about a year ago and took mine, and I miss it when things start blooming).

I learned early on that my wife preferred cut flowers over live flowers. I still don't understand that. The cut flowers were all dead within a week of course. The potted plants all lived 10 years or more. Presents I preferred to receive at that time were gifts that made my life easier, hence the power tools, vacuum cleaners, that kind of thing. Why don't women see the value in gifts like that? They would rather receive gifts that are useless in a few days. Oh we'll. If that's what they want, OK.

PS My boyfriend comes over and cooks dinner for me several nights a week, but he flew us to Paris Business Class and they had great food on our flight, so thanks for worrying for me, but we weren't hungry; just jet-lagged.

I'm a syndicated advice columnist. Write me and I'll help you learn to be sweet to men. When you are, they tend to want to be sweet to you in return.

Right on, Tim. If someone has a hobby, it is almost impossible to get something related to that activity that would be appreciated--unless you ask, or are deeply involved yourself. If it was something they really wanted, they'd probably already have it.

When my daughter and son-in-law bought a new house, we violated every rule of gift-giving. For their anniversary, they got several crisp $100 bills. Their decision was to buy one thing with the cash, so it would be a memorable gift. It was what they could most use at the time.

The article missed an important part of giving: the ability to be a gracious receiver of gifts. Sometimes accepting a gift graciously is more challenging than giving, especially when you are accustomed to primarily being the giver.

Kurt: because an appliance, or any other 'useful' gift usually involves work (even if it billed as a 'labor-saving' device.) Maybe that explains some of the differences between men and women: men desire useful stuff. Women want things that say we are loved for ourselves alone, not for what we can cut, chop, clear, saw, paint, cook, wash, etc.

Colin: I have. He is wonderful at letting me select my own gifts. I think the desire for someone else to select 'the perfect gift' for us is a wish to think that the one we love knows us as well as we know ourselves. To be honest, some of my gifts to him over the years have been clunkers too.

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