Enough love to go around

Which one of Ben’s cheek I’m going to kiss in morning before leaving for work is largely determined by where Holly, our foster child, is standing or sitting in the room. That’s because, since her arrival, what Ben craves more than affection is to show her he’s receiving it. So, while I kiss him goodbye, he contorts his head in her direction to make sure she’s watching.

Between the two of them, they keep a precise score of how many kisses, hugs, and spoken words each gets, and as soon as the score is perceived to favour one of the two, the other ends up crying, usually because the one losing resorts to physically attacking the other.

Holly’s arrival was always going to stir up a rivalry, but they kept up this game for months now and there’s still no truce in sight. I’m growing increasingly tired of it, although I suppose it can be seen as progress.

The first few days with Holly were very different. She didn’t want anything to do with us, we were complete strangers and she was confused at first, then she got angry. She started turning her anger towards Ben, and for a long time I couldn’t understand why. Was it her way to get back at us? Did she realise that by hurting him she could indirectly hurt us? I resisted the notion that a 3 years old child can behave in such an indirect manner, but sure it looked that way.

More recently, her aggression became more instrumental. Now she fights with Ben out of jealousy, to get all attentions for herself. We’ve suspected that to be the case for a while, then–to make it clear to everyone–she came out and actually told us. “I don’t want Ben to live with us”. Us? Since when it became us? I almost asked what she proposes we do with Ben, then I decided against even entertaining the idea of throwing him out. In a way, she cares for us, in a very possessive way. That’s progress. I think. Although, something tells me Ben would not agree.

But how do you explain a 2 years old and a barely 3 years old that their fighting is pointless? That because we care for one it doesn’t mean that there’ll be less love for the other. That there’s enough love to go around.

About The Author

Diego Boccaleone is currently trying to figure out what it means to be a dad. Ben, the son he adopted a few years ago, is still a little puzzled about this figure that often wanders in the house, who insists on talking to him in Italian. He loves music, still strive to find time for movies, and only recently learned to appreciate Winnie The Pooh. Follow him on Twitter @diegoboccaleone and on Facebook.

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3 Comments

Holly is identifying you as family! That’s great!! I think manipulating for attention is a survival skill our kiddos from hard places have. They feel like they may die if they don’t have someone to care for them. With our littles we scheduled 15 minutes every day with each child. It was a regular built-in thing so no one questioned when it was whose time. That child would lead the parent in the activity of their choice. Then we would switch. Even 10 minutes with a switch reassures both kids they get their own “parent time.” The child-lead play helped with control and attachment stuff. Before you think I’m a super creative parent I should tell you that a therapist recommended this. Whatever you do, have fun. You’re obviously doing things very well if your children feel at home and want your love! Good job.

I thought of ways of introducing more structure in our 1 to 1 interaction with the children, and organise it in a way that would make predictable for them to tell who’s time it is. When talking with Laura about the situation at home, I called it “timeboxing”, for a lack of a better word, but I never actually worked out how that would work. What you suggested could be just what we need. Thank you for writing.

We have our very first respite placement right now. A just-turned 4-year old girl (O) who is very sweet and making our first experience with foster care an easy one. We have a 6-year old bio daughter (E) who is having the time of her life.

However, we have begun this same issue in the last 2 days (she has been here 5 days now). Attention competitions. They are continually one-upping each other and O is copying E by showering us with hugs and telling us she will love us forever… but only in front of E! haha

It is quite the thing to experience, watch and deal with. Balancing the emotions of 2 girls (in our case) on top of the extra emotions of a little girl who has gone through trauma and 2-parent visits while she is with us.

I cannot imagine the confusion and hurt that runs through their little hearts and minds. All we can do is our best. Keep it up! 🙂