~ Musings of a gay ex-Mormon father

Category Archives: Mormonism

Reblogged from 2011 in honor of Leah Remini’s A&E series on Scientology

I’ve joked several times about Mormonism being “Scientology-lite” but until recently I never had the chance or much interest to do a compare/contrast. But I suppose you can’t say that without backing it up, so here goes.

I probably have as much knowledge or interest in Scientology as the general population has regarding Mormonism. I’m familiar with several buildings in my local area, I know some of the absurd parts of the doctrine and I’ve heard rumors. Of course, I know about the celebrity members and I’ve also witnessed several “Anti-Scientology” street protesters (former members I presume) holding placards declaring it to be a cult.

I was recently shocked when over dinner one night a friend and colleague came out as a former Scientologist. She spoke well of several Scientology beliefs and practices and said she still utilizes them. She’s a very successful business woman, but I had to scrape my jaw off the floor as she related her experience…some good, some bad…just like my experience with Mormonism.

Then, last week there was a pretty extensive New Yorker article which profiled Paul Haggis (Hollywood Director, “Crash”), an apostate of that religion. I found that his experience rang true in many respects to mine as a Mormon apostate so I’ve decided to list the similarities that I uncovered in the article. I make no claims that this is a result of extensive research. It’s anecdotal.

I admit that there’s not much to compare as far as doctrine goes, but it’s not doctrine that defines a restrictive religion, or a cult, or whatever you feel comfortable calling it. It’s generally the practices, the procedures and the behaviors of the leadership, of the membership and the manner in which it sells itself to the public (to both members and non-members). So those are the things I’m listing here that are similar between the experiences of two apostates: Paul Haggis and myself. Most of this list includes ideas or statements taken directly from the article that could apply just as much to my experience as they do to his:

In no particular order…

The church refuses to account for member behavior even when they are quoting or following leaders

There are a lot of “unwritten laws”

Members default to defending the church, even to lying or turning back on family members

It’s all subjective…so how do you “know”?

Converts are often “loners looking for a club to join”

Testimonies are overly effusive.

There’s “some good” in it, so “what harm can there be?”

The crazy S#!$ is introduced later … there’s a long process until you are fully entrenched. Most Mormons, for example, have no idea about the “Second Annointing” the highest ordinance in Mormonism.

Fascinating, enigmatic founder

Church underpays its employees and designates the people doing the real work as volunteers.

Requires “sincerity” for it all to work. If it doesn’t work it’s the lack of sincerity of the person, not a fault of the system.

Doesn’t “look” like a cult initially

Proof is in the lives of its members

Testimonies often include, “I don’t know where I’d be without….”

Levels of membership. Focus changes over time.

Perverse pride in membership

Charitable but not egalitarian

Lack of curiosity keeps members in – they are uninterested and afraid of information

Willed myopia of membership

Hard to get through “scriptures”

At upper levels of membership they are deprived of adequate food and sleep

Members tell themselves they are wonderful examples to the world of good living

Inability of membership to laugh at themselves

Certain processes are confusing and unsatisfying

Members project unambiguous, non ambivalent view of world

“If it changes me for the better, who cares if it’s true?”

Arrogance of membership with lots of superlatives used in sales pitch

Church avoids “overt political stands” but membership is almost entirely homogeneous politically

Apostasy is all the apostates’ fault. All disconnection to family and friends is blamed on that decision

Wives tend to stay and denounce husbands who leave

Church discipline (kicking people out) is seen as “for their own good”

Members consider membership “safe” and a “protection”

Members maintain positive exterior, but a very reproachful interaction with former members

Public image of religion is MOST IMPORTANT

There’s a difference between public tenets and private interaction

Greatest fear is expulsion from religion

Church holds the power of eternal life

Members are taught to handle internal conflict within church’s own justice system

Big Brother type files kept of high level apostates

Members attack apostates’ character rather than address the issues

Church doesn’t live up to its own standards for its members

Special service is supposedly to “help people” but most of the time and energy is really just spent on serving the purposes of the organization

Sells itself as “fastest growing religion”

Members think it “does more good”

Critics are vilified and suspected of “anti” sentiment

Members sacrifice a lot with little to show for it

Original books are changed and church denies the changes are significant

All or nothing claims, “base stories are true or else it’s ALL a lie”

Shame in leaving, “Everyone else could see it was a sham, why couldn’t I?”

Apostates who leave claim they feel “alive” and can think clearly for the first time in a long time (or ever)

I must also say that I think the “-Lite” portion applies here because there are some serious accusations of institutional violence in Scientology and of literally being held hostage that don’t apply to Mormonism in my experience.

“The thing that really struck me in the article is that Scientology is in its Brigham Young phase both timewise and in their organizational behavior. I think if we compared some of the organizational things that are more extreme in Scientology, the Mormon church was a lot more like that under Brigham Young.”

I don’t remember exactly how it started, but it ended with my 20 year old returned missionary son crying, shaking, bearing his Mormon testimony, and then leaving to “take a walk.” Between all that I said some things, while true, that I regret and that he’s not ready to hear. He and a couple of my other children shared a few LGBTQ LDS experiences, both positive and negative, and things got a little too sensitive.

Without even trying to accurately report the full conversation, I’ll say that at one point my son said that the LDS church is very different from what it was when I was part of it. In 11 years since I left, things have supposedly so dramatically changed from the previous 40 years that I wouldn’t recognize it especially with regards to LGBTQ issues.

I’ve had lots of opinions on that book and the unintended consequences of its publication but I’ve held off saying anything because I hadn’t actually read it.

So, I read it.

I read it after it was being used as a weapon to diminish my voice and my LDS experience or to support an imaginary world where the LDS organization and community is LGBT friendly and anything but homophobic.

I am clearly NOT it’s intended audience.

I had completely forgotten the sycophantic tone of LDS authors but this was a big slapping reminder of that. Every time there’s a grand point to be made an LDS General Authority quote is inserted and the reader is supposed to ponder it in awe that a human being could utter such goodness. Each time that happened my eyes rolled back into my head a little more.

If there’s a sweeping theme of the book it’s that we (and by ‘we’ he means anyone who is a believing LDS member with an LGBTQ person in their midst, family, friend or ward member) should love and accept one another. THAT I can get behind, except that it completely ignores the status quo in most LDS wards, families and leadership quorums. According to Christofferson we’re not supposed to worry about LDS policies or leadership and the damage that they can do. It’s the old, “I don’t know and I don’t care. It will all be figured out in the afterlife.”

That’s naive and not good enough for me.

Let’s face a few facts. This book would never have been published if:

He were not the brother of an LDS apostle

He had not returned to the LDS faith like a prodigal son in his advanced years

He were still in a committed homosexual partnership like the one he was required to walk away from in order to get re-baptized and have his temple blessings restored.

As much as he and others pretend that the intention and message of the book is to honor any path and any choice, there would be no message and there would be no book without those 3 key elements. Those ARE the message. Given that fact, I’m left actually feeling sorry for the poor sap who, after 60 years, couldn’t break from the LDS homophobic indoctrination to remain committed to his loving partner.

The book reads like a tragedy to me for that reason.

It’s about the breakup of a family, but it’s just a gay family so the reality of that crisis never gets the full light of day.

It’s about an aging man who still so desperately wants to please his older brother that he’ll throw himself on the sword to do so.

It’s about the isolated goodness and kindness that some humans can show towards one another when there’s something that they don’t understand.

It’s about those very same humans not flinching at all when their gay brother, son, uncle and friend trades love for a solitary life to achieve their FULL acceptance.

It’s about the depths of indoctrination and how that thick muck NEVER leaves.

If the book was reflective of any sort of change in the LDS faith why didn’t his brother, the apostle, write it?

And let’s not let one little glaring fact escape this discussion: Tom Christofferson left the church and completely ignored the leadership for over 30 years during a time that many of us instead stayed. We followed the LDS plan of marriage, kids, callings, temple attendance, scripture study, etc based on our faith that it was true and that we and our families would be “blessed.” Instead of blessed, we got screwed and we caused a lot of collateral damage in the wake of our following the brethren. He escaped all that.

It strikes me as incredibly callous for someone like Tom to have avoided the pain of church activity and then to re-enter the picture later in life with a softened libido and tell his story of faith and family.

I was WAY more committed for far many more years when it was crucial and my divorce and financial ruin and raw emotions are all a result of following the brethren. His current life is only possible because he DIDN’T follow the brethren. His story, more than anything is a testament that leaving the church allows you you maintain some semblance of favorable attitude towards it.

I do believe that there are loving and accepting LDS members out there and I still desperately want to believe that my own children are counted among them. I’m glad those were exclusively the ones that Christofferson encountered in his east and west coast wards. My experience has been quite different for the most part. And yet I do recall my year long stint in college in a Manhattan ward that was much like he described even back in the 80’s. Nowhere else but in coastal metropolitan areas is it remotely like that.

But my point to my son and readers of this book is that for the most part it doesn’t matter. The end result will still be the same. Tom Christofferson is still alone. He’s still gay. Every single one of those “kind” and “loving” LDS members in Christofferson’s life and in my life will still walk into an election booth and vote exactly as the LDS leadership want them to, homophobic choice or not. They’ll still raise their hands to the square in obedience to the leaders in Salt Lake City even if it goes against their personal experiences and their own moral compass.

Yes, Brother Christofferson, we may all be one. It’s just that that one is in the image of a stale, tired and out-dated group of 90 year old homophobic dudes in Salt Lake City. That’s my perspective on your faith and your broken family.

I had an enlightening weekend attending my first Affirmation Conference in Provo Utah. After 12 years of being an out gay ex-Mormon I was invited by friends to attend this conference because of the powerful affect it has had upon them and the friendships it had fostered.

For those who don’t know, Affirmation is a gay organization for Mormons and former Mormons. It’s not too hard to imagine that getting gay Mormons and gay ex-Mormons together is an exercise of epic proportions where each side maintains vastly different ideas of how one should approach Mormonism. The similarities that bring them together in Affirmation is that, unlike North Star, Affirmation recognizes and affirms all life paths as valid and worthy regardless of church affiliation. North Star is faith-based which really only validates 2 options for gay Mormons:

Celibacy

Mixed orientation marriage

Affirmation also includes folks living those two life choices, but it further encompasses divorced gay fathers like me, young gays who are actively dating and hope to marry one day, currently married gay couples, single sexually active homosexuals, trans and bisexual folks as well as other folks representing all the initials in LGBTQ+ acronym.

While North Star is primarily faith affirming, Affirmation is primarily LGBTQ+ affirming.

I had the good fortune of meeting some pioneers of Affirmation and learning a bit of the history of that organization. These are people who paved the way for homosexuals with a Mormons background and who lived life on their own terms. I don’t think enough is said about gay history in general, but Mormons and ex-Mormons certainly know very little homosexuality in their culture. I’m hoping to change that by posting a little of that here.

If you are interested, you may want to start out with some important primer information:

Edit Note: This post won a 2017 Brodie Award for Best Discussion on Parenting!

Thank you to all who voted.

It has been 2 years since my son left for his Mormon mission to South America. His farewell was one of the worst moments of my life.

Nothing about his decision diminished my love for him, but his leaving and the events surrounding it left me feeling discarded and misunderstood. At his farewell in particular, I sat on the church pews listening to him pontificate on his assigned speaking topic, something about having a righteous family. Of course, that led to mentions of Jesus being the only way and how important it was that his mom had taught him about all things Jesus and Mormon.

I was just an invisible unnecessary placeholder in his eternal quest for the self-congratulatory eternal family. I was ignored completely in that sermon on family.

It hurt.

It hurt a lot, but I swallowed it and moved forward maintaining a loving stance.

I’ve e-mailed him each week religiously. He tells me that his companions and other missionary friends rarely get letters from their fathers. I find it fascinating how those more Mormon, but rather self-absorbed and negligent fathers are institutionally seen as better than me.

They wear the right underwear.

My e-mails have usually been full of the latest details about our family, me and his sisters. I always tried to include a healthy amount of humor. I’d send jokes or the latest memes because I know how somber and dreadfully serious everything can be on a mission.

But now that he’s coming back I’ve been dreading the same sort of snubbing at homecoming events that I experienced when he left.

So, I’ve decided that instead of feeling sorry for myself I am going to take my power back. I’ll be hosting my own welcome back party for him. I’ll be inviting my gay and ex-Mormon friends and he can invite whomever he wants. The focus will be on our joy to have him back. That’s it. I’ve run it by him and he has agreed!! I’m very excited.

I don’t want to just place my address out there on the web, but if you are in the Phoenix, AZ area on August 26 please message me and I’ll link you to the invitation. You are invited. This is the invitation without those details. What do you think?

Misfits and Mormons: Mission Homecoming Open House

When: August 26, 2017 6:00 – 9:00 PM

My Son is coming home from his mission to Chile! Please come celebrate my son’s mission return at an open house style party at my home.

I realize this is a rather odd invitation since none of you know my son and only a few of you even know me. Read and consider coming anyway.

In the 2 years that have passed I’ve met so many fellow gay Mormons and apostate Ex-Mormons that you are like family to me. So, instead of feeling left out and ignored at the typical homecoming events, I’ve decided to create my own event to celebrate my happiness to have my son back. He has agreed to participate and he will invite whomever he wants.

My son and I have a great relationship with mutual love and respect.

Join us if you can support that and help me create a safe, welcoming demilitarized zone between his believing Mormon friends and those of us who have stepped beyond it.

(I can’t emphasize enough how much I love this post in response to the recent “gay relationships are counterfeit” controversy)

The conversation has to continue as long as the wrong people keep bringing it up (April 2017, Ensign pg. 33).

The further I get from my experience in a mixed-orientation marriage, the more acute my understanding of how my experience, as the straight spouse, is/was marginalized. Don’t get me wrong! I’m the biggest cheerleader for the gay spouse, feeling trapped and unable to live authentically. I’m the one banging on the other side of the closet door, begging, “Sweetheart, come on. Stop doing this to yourself. It’s 2017 and despondency or depression or suicide is so unnecessary for THIS.”

But there’s also the experiences of the men and women who are/were the straight spouse, like Ashley 1.0. We aren’t living authentically either. And our suffering and scars aren’t seeming too important. You may have read about how I super duper wanted to drive my mini-van off of Cedar mountain.

And if you’re just joining this conversation: No. It is not just about sex. And regardless, sex is important and crucial. But THE THING that it’s about for us (straight spouse) and them (gay spouse) is the Intimacy. Lemme know if you don’t understand the difference between sex and intimacy, and I’ll write another post just for you. I’ll even address it to you… “Dear Person Who Maybe Has Never Been Loved~”

I have some very visceral commentary on this, hopefully, I can be articulate and, as always, my intent is to be affecting.

I’m getting ahead of myself (the visceral). Article by General Authority:

First off~

The title of the article is The War Goes On. Nothing subtle about that.

War.

Goddamn Fucking Serious.

Death.
Blood.
Mourning.
Pain.
Fighting.
Good vs Evil.

You know, war.

And then, but of course, this dude- the General Authority- starts talking about Satan right off the bat, cuz ultimate bad guy. And he’s gotta bring up returning to Heavenly Father clean, which Satan makes so difficult! And ya know, none of us are clean, none of us are sinless, as is pummeled into the heads of members of the church. So by paragraph 3, dude is slathering on the guilt.

And in case you forgot, that meant Jesus made that sacrifice dying for our sins, because we’re all pieces of shit.

(I’m walking you through the beginning of the article to prep you. It’s all build-up, people.)

Then our dude goes into the ways Satan operates.

We get to point number 2, and the gospel of love can go fuck itself.

“Remember, counterfeits are not the same as opposites. The opposite of white is black, but a counterfeit for white might be off-white or gray. Counterfeits bear a resemblance to the real thing in order to deceive unsuspecting people. They are a twisted version of something good, and just like counterfeit money, they are worthless. Let me illustrate. One of Satan’s counterfeits for faith is superstition. His counterfeit for love is lust. He counterfeits the priesthood by introducing priestcraft, and he imitates God’s miracles by means of sorcery. Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, but same-sex marriage is only a counterfeit. It brings neither posterity nor exaltation. Although his imitations deceive many people, they are not the real thing. They cannot bring lasting happiness. God warned us about counterfeits in the Doctrine and Covenants. He said, “That which doth not edify is not of God, and is darkness” (D&C 50:23).”

We already knew this, right? That this church felt this way…? Or are you allowing yourself to be duped by happy stories of acceptance of a LGBTQ kid by a member of the church?

Okay, so if you haven’t buckled yourself in yet, secured any loose items, and put your arms and legs inside the ride, you should now.

I’m gonna talk about the despair and anguish of the straight spouse… in no uncertain terms, like a big ol’ gay dick smacking you across the face.

Gay men and women, who marry the opposite sex for religion, do it because they are scared to death of the above rhetoric being their reality.

Darkness.
Grayness.
Imitation.
Being unhappy.
Worthless.
Counterfeit.

These vulnerable, naïve homosexuals (no shame, just truth) who adhere to the dogma think that entering into a marriage with opposite sex will save them from these awful things.

But the straight spouse is even more unsuspecting that these things would ever be in their purview.

Nor does the straight spouse understand that their own sexuality will be shoved into a closet.

Usually, the SS does that of their own accord to…(ready for this?)…survive. There was no way I could face what I was missing: being wanted, cherished for (in my case) my femineness which encompasses my body, soul, and mind, and the all important intimacy- the lack of being caressed, the void of hearing the soft spoken voice of someone who melts at the sight of you, the absence of a core connection that is discernible through mere eye contact and devours your heart.

Look, I’m not really talking about marriage. I’m talking about connection and romantic love. I know that same-orientation marriages and relationships can suck ass and end a lot of the time. But these same-orientation relationships not only have a probability to feel those indescribably amazing things, but they usually start there.

So to address the malarkey of the referenced article-

Darkness… Gray… All the time. Everyday. And I was living the ‘gospel’. I got up in front of my congregation and bore some phat testimony. That shit was legit.

So… tell me. Why the gray?

Was my marriage edifying? My friendship with g’ex was, yes. But the marriage? Naw. Trudging through knee-deep bog with no end in sight is not edifying. It breaks you.

The ‘lasting happiness’ part of the article? Fuck me… The ‘lasting’ sentiment would imply that there was a solid ground (firm foundation, as it were) to begin with.

The worthless part. Oh my god. This one makes my head spin.

You Mormons out there… Hey, y’all realize that this General Authority dude is saying that LOVE is worthless, yeah? You getting this? GA’s subtext: LOVE IS WORTHLESS IF NO JESUS AND BIOLOGICAL BABIES.

Obviously, my mind goes to the bona fide, irrefutable love that two properly matched humans can experience. But, hey, you know what else couldn’t be further from worthless? Being desired.

I’ve had one nighters… (reminder to keep arms and legs inside the ride… also, hi, mom). I’ve been more desired by a man that I cannot remember the name of than in my 13 years of marriage with a man that I had children with, moved from state to state and out of the country with. A former straight spouse I met a few years ago told me the first time she had sex with a straight man, she wept. But… worthless experience.

And lastly, let me bring you all around to the best, sweetest, juiciest part of the article- the counterfeit argument: marriage or love is counterfeit if not within the parameters of the ‘gospel’. If I was giving a Ted Talk, this is where I’d pause, lower my head with furrowed brow, and walk to the other side of the stage pensively before looking back up at you and saying:

My marriage was counterfeit.

My Mormon, temple union to a man who yearned for an intimate connection with another man was 100% counterfeit.

Do you have any idea what it’s like to live in a counterfeit way?

If you do, I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. I deteriorated. Breathing hurt. Sometimes smiling made me feel nauseous. I was betraying my Self. I was not an example to anyone of how to live. My Jesus-approved marriage was toxic to me, my kids, and their dad.

And I absolutely was suicidal at a point.

Us heterosexual spouses in mixed-orientation marriages play a role of our own. Our humanity is disparaged, trivialized as we are mere vehicles to the Celestial Kingdom. And fuck that.

OMG I just got a text from my ex-wife that she sent to me and my three girls. Tomorrow was supposed to be the wedding. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, go back and read: Could This Be About YOU? I explained that I was flabbergasted that my kids’ step-sister was marrying a gay young man.

I don’t know either one of them so I felt hopeless and frustrated that my ex hadn’t intervened somehow.

By some miracle the girl called it off the day before the wedding!

Here’s the text. I was included because it’s my weekend with the kids and they were going to have to leave to attend during their time with me. My ex is the first message. Mine is the last, and my girls’ texts in the middle.

If you’re the girl reading this, good for you. That was probably so hard to do. You’ll thank yourself later and time will heal the disappointment and doubt you must be feeling.

If you’re the guy reading this, I’m sure you’re hurting right now but please take some time to get honest with yourself and find men to talk to who have been through what you’re going through. Your life can still be happy and joyful and filled with love and with a future family.

Live on the outside in a manner consistent with how you feel on the inside and peace will come to you.

Mormon apostle Russell Ballard gave a talk in October 2016 General Conference entitled “To Whom Shall We Go?” where he said the following:

If any one of you is faltering in your faith, I ask you the same question that Peter asked: “To whom shall [you] go?” If you choose to become inactive or to leave the restored Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, where will you go? What will you do? The decision to “walk no more” with Church members and the Lord’s chosen leaders will have a long-term impact that cannot always be seen right now.

A new website, wherewillyougo.org, has been dedicated to former Mormons submitting their own answers explaining where they’ve gone and how that’s worked out for them. This is my submission:

——————————————————————

10 years ago as a gay, newly divorced father of four and former Mormon, where I would go and what I would do was indeed the looming question

A lifetime of seminary, sunday school, priesthood, mission, BYU and church leadership had me imagining myself at best as a drug addicted felon like Matt Foleyliving in a van down by the river with no friends, family, job. At worst, I’d lose my family in the eternities.

The fear is real. And some of it is well-founded. I had a difficult time financially and emotionally for several years. Divorce in and of itself can and often does do that to a man. Add coming out and leaving your lifelong religion to the mix and it’s not going to be a cakewalk. But as I tell other men in the same position I was in 10 years ago, don’t divorce thinking you’re transitioning into some dreamlike peace and happiness. Do it if divorce is a reward in and of itself.

I’d offer the same advice for awakening Mormons making a rough decision to leave or to stay. Leaving needs to be a reward in and of itself, regardless of what exciting or terrifying experiences lie ahead. For me, divorcing and leaving Mormonism have indeed been their own rewards. I have had the exciting task of developing my own moral compass and creating a life that reflects my true soul rather than sticking to what some men tell me is “safe” and acceptable.

I’ve chosen to love my fellow man and have rejected doctrine, policies, standards and beliefs that don’t show that love…and it has made all the difference in the world.

Fatherhood has been my crowning achievement in that. In all that has passed, my four kids have always come first. I believe I’m a better father today than I ever would have been working 10+ hours a week out of the home on church callings, unhappily married to their mother and repressing such a fundamental part of my soul. I’ve been fortunate over the years to spend 1 on 1 time with each of my children and I have an unconditionally loving relationship with them, even with the ones who are still gravitating towards the LDS church.

What’s new is that my entire life is patterned after my own hard-fought-for values, rather than the pre-packaged standards and rules created by others. I’m still single. I haven’t replaced Mormonism with a different belief system. I still have good days and bad days. But I’ve experienced deep passionate love, familial love and acceptance, andfinancial successes that shadow the failures.

Where did I go?

Towards love, authenticity, and a genuine daily life. It has made not pretending worth it.

Are you a recently returned Mormon missionary about to get married knowing deep down in your gut that you are gay?

Don’t do it!

The name of this blog, Dad’s Primal Scream, has never been more appropriate.

To me, a primal scream starts from some deep inner angst while outwardly observing something horrific over which I have no control. The good news is that today it’s not about my kids. It’s about someone else’s child, someone I don’t know personally.

Could this be about you?

I understand what it’s like to not WANT to be gay, to want a celestial marriage, and to want that picture perfect happiness of a faithful LDS family sealed in the temple. And being gay just doesn’t jive with that. It doesn’t fit into that plan.

I understand how growing up in the church one can imagine that you’re only gay if you are doing gay things. And if you’re not actually having gay sex, then you must not be gay. I get how you got into that head space.

The problem is that it’s an oversimplification of human nature. You cannot strong-arm sexual attraction and desire like they want you to believe you can.

How do I know you?

I don’t.

But, I do know you exist, and that you are about to make a grave, powerful mistake.

My ex-wife’s current husband also has four children, teens and young adults. These children are the step-siblings of my somewhat younger children. Rumor has it that one of the step-sisters is about to get married to her fiance who is gay. Well, he was once gay, or once did something slightly gay, or only has a tiny ounce of gay in him at the moment, or he’s been cured.

All I really know is that my kids have heard the whispering of his cured homosexuality and that the marriage is proceeding. My ex-wife who was so greatly hurt in our divorce and my subsequent coming out is standing on the sidelines while her step-daughter makes the same horrible mistake. Well, no, actually worse because the bride knows this time.

Horrified at hearing all this, I asked my daughter why their mother isn’t stepping in to say or do something. She told that her mom didn’t want to be mean and had said,

“If two people love each other and are faithful enough in the gospel then it will all work out!!!”

What’s that saying? “Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it.”

The problem in our marriage wasn’t that we didn’t love enough or weren’t faithful enough in the gospel. That simple-minded answer horrifies me and it ignores the truth.

It’s mean to stand idly by and let someone make such a mistake and to not say anything. So, I’m saying something.

I don’t know you. I’ve never seen you or even shaken your hand. I only know you in the 3rd person but I understand you more than you think I do.

DON’T DO IT.

I did something very similar 22 years ago and it was only sustainable for a short period of time, for almost 11 years.

Sure, some people marry and survive just like some people venture over Niagara Falls and survive it, but not without injuring themselves and many people in the process. It leads to a weak quality of life and a deep chronic inner turmoil. According to information from a USU study, “The findings suggest that rejection or compartmentalization of sexual identity may be difficult to sustain over time and likely comes at a significant psychosocial cost.”

Those who paint a rosy picture of such marriages are being dishonest and duplicitous with you. More specifically they are being dismissive of their wives and of your current fiance. If you really truly loved her, you wouldn’t do this to her. And she wouldn’t expect it of you if her friendship and love were true.

I understand the wedding is soon. My ex-wife was out shopping today for a dress for my daughter to wear. It could even be this weekend but I suggest you reconsider NOW. It’s not too late.

I know so many happy, out, gay men who are living lives of integrity and honesty. Many are also returned missionaries. They’re good fathers, loving partners and valuable members of society. They’re successful. You could be that too and there are a lot of us out here ready to welcome you with open arms. You don’t know me but you are welcome to knock on my door anytime and I’ll listen. I’ll introduce you to others and we’ll help you in any way we can.

Three years ago my oldest daughter broke the news to me that she doesn’t like to go to church because it doesn’t make any sense to her. I was thrilled. That was breakthrough #1

In the years since, she has exerted her independence and rarely goes to church even when she’s with her mom. In fact we have a nice routine on Sundays that she’s with her mom. She says she has to work and comes to have brunch with me.

The next oldest daughter does what she sees her brother do. He’s on a mission and i anticipate she’ll go one day too.

My youngest (12), on the other hand, is harder to read. She’s talked about going on a mission, about believing it all and so I’ve assumed that that’s her path. But something just happened that gives me hope

I’m taking youngest to see the traveling Broadway version of Sound of Music at tomorrow evening, Sunday, but it’s not my weekend. She wanted me to come get her early so she could hang out with some of her friends who are getting together for lunch. I said I’d ask her mother if she was OK with it. Mom said no because it’s during her church time. This is how I broke the news to my youngest and her reaction!

TWO of my kids might be doubters!!!!

“How can she not realize?”

How did I not realize! I think we’re going to have a fun father-daughter date tomorrow.

Like this:

I confess. I’m a nice person. Being nice has been woven into the fabric of my character since the day I took my first breath. I could certainly make a case that being nice is in my DNA. My Mom was an incredibly nice person as I think most of her friends and acquaintances would attest. My Dad is nice to a fault. In fact, I don’t ever recall being disciplined by him – that’s how nice he is.

Niceness is the unspoken first law of Mormonism and it probably makes anyone’s top ten list of American cultural virtues as well. You don’t join a 3rd or 4th generation American Mormon family without some “nice” blood running through your veins. I love that the Book ofMormonmusical lampoons this Mormon American trait, but why is it so funny? What’s so wrong with being nice? Mormons have perfected niceness to an art form but I’m personally trying to overcome my niceness and here’s why:

Being nice is not the same as being courteous, kind, helpful or friendly although I think it is sometimes mis-perceived as those virtues. But it’s not. “Nice” is a tactic, rather than a virtue. It can be virtuous or vicious depending on how it is used. There are certainly times when niceness comes into play with being courteous, kind, helpful and friendly. But as a character trait “Nice” is a false and shallow substitute; it is the saccharine of good character. When misapplied or overused it can have negative side effects. It is sweet, but leaves an aftertaste.

Only after a long diet of niceness do you realize you haven’t been nourished.

NICE is often insincere

Being friendly sometimes requires the type of honesty that values a long-term relationship and that’s not always nice. Niceness, on the other hand, worships immediate social comfort over long-term depth. It’s not friendly.

As I said, Mormons certainly aren’t the only ones who highly value and encourage niceness. I’m reminded that my former European students used to complain about American niceness and how difficult it was for them to establish meaningful relationships with Americans because if it. To them, it was evident when they caught us saying things we didn’t really mean:

“Why don’t you drop by the my house sometime!”

“You should come with us!”

Or, asking questions we didn’t really care to hear the answer to:

“How are you?”

“How was the _____? (movie, dinner, trip, party, etc…)”

Any sort of honest or detailed response to these (such as actually showing up to the house or giving a detailed opinion of the good/bad) is usually met with shock.

Being nice, at its core, means not being honest whether it’s a half-hearted invitation, or an opinion that only expresses positive thoughts.

NICE often stunts growth

Niceness prizes Yes-men, the status quo and stunts growth. On the other hand, kindness sometimes involves the hard truth. I had a high school English teacher my freshman year who wasn’t very nice. She pulled me aside and told me I wasn’t advanced enough to be in her college prep English class. She advised me to transfer to a lower-level class. That wasn’t nice but it was true, and it certainly pushed me to work harder. I later became an English Teacher by profession.

As a BYU student, I was often shocked by my nice classmates who would approach nice professors and beg for a better grade, a nicer grade. And they almost always got it. I was never able to use “nice” sufficiently enough to do that for myself. I guess I had some nice boundaries or at least knew that I’d gotten the grade I had earned in most cases.

Nice never includes helpful criticism that encourages an individual to grow and stretch. You can’t watch one of the popular TV reality talent competitions like American Idol without wondering why no one ever told some of those folks who audition the truth. Honest judges get a bad rap for being the first one to tell some of those folks the truth. I find the frank comments to be the most helpful and compassionate. Apparently those heartless judges are the first after a long line of superficial, nice but meanningless comments such “good job” and “fantastic” from parents, friends and acquaintances leading up to the person humiliating themselves on TV.

When we replace truth and honesty with niceness, we show that we are more concerned with endearing ourselves to others than any sort of helpfulness.

NICE is myopic

Being nice to one person isn’t always showing courtesy to everyone else. Niceness is myopic in that it often disregards the greater good for the immediate pleasure of the here and now.

Have you ever been in the flow of traffic and had someone in the car in front of you stop suddenly to let another vehicle enter traffic thus causing you and 12 cars behind you to slam on your brakes and swerve? In LA traffic, such a nice maneuver can effect traffic for hours afterwards. I’m sure that that one “nice” driver will continue on for the rest of the day patting himself on the back for being so nice while completely oblivious to the chain reaction it caused. Right-of-way rules exist for a reason; they are more helpful to the greater good.

There’s a nice time and place

As a tactic, niceness certainly has an appropriate usage. But left to itself it is destructive. Overwhelming niceness lends itself to passive aggressive behavior.

Tardiness is the queen of passive aggressiveness. Have you ever heard of Mormon Standard Time? As the joke goes, you add about 15 minutes to the start time of any Mormon event because nice Mormons are also well-known for being chronically late. Of course it’s not everyone, but there is always at least one for whom everyone waits.

Aggressive acts are often framed by niceness in nice cultures. In one example, Margaret Toscano relates how her excommunication from the Mormon church involved an odd sense of vicious niceness.

They asked me to go out and then deliberated for about 20 minutes and then they brought me back in and one of the first things the Stake President said to me was, “I want you to know that the High Counsel was very impressed with you. However, you are excommunicated. We have found you to be an apostate.” And everybody got up and they all wanted to shake my hand. They’re cutting me off from eternal salvation and telling me that I’m this ‘apostate’ which really is considered very bad in Mormon culture and yet I’m this nice woman that they’re going to shake my hand. And this…that, that niceness… there’s something vicious about niceness that struck me in this. That the niceness covered over the violence of what was being done because, in fact, excommunication is a violent action.

I’ve seen the same sort of behavior in very nice Mormons who have visited my blog and are horrified that I am sometimes not very nice. In these exchanges, I’m always accused of lying without ever detailing what I’ve lied about. Commenting like they do is a passive aggressive behavior. Their repressed anger comes out in a vitriolic comment. Funny that they’re not very nice when they accuse me of not being nice. There’s just an overall sense that my being not nice is the violation in and of itself. Once recently wrote:

This makes me sad to see you criticize the goodness of my church.

Goodness does not result from niceness. Goodness results from growth and progress.

Niceness, like obedience, stunts growth. It favors sin avoidance over repentance,and purity over holiness, blindness over sight. In this way, Nice is safe and keeps the infant inside all of us safe and in control.

Nice aint pretty

The irony for Americans is that niceness resembles a socialist, communistic construct more than we’d like to admit. Capitalism isn’t nice; communism is. It’s much nicer to imagine everyone in our society having enough and working together for the good of the whole. “To each their own” seems just mean. But as we all know, there are dizzying side effects that come from letting nice imagery and nice concepts overtake hard practicality and rugged individuality.

When niceness overtakes an organization it purges not only the uncorrelated and undesirable like myself, but also the capable and the creative. You’ll find, for example, that artists, intellectuals and innovators are often less nice than those who appreciate an organized, correlated construct. The creative folks are often seen as vulgar, progressive, irreverent and crass. But personal experience tells me they are interestingly often more trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, kind, and brave.

Jesus wasn’t nice

I’m not going to try and turn this into a Sunday School lesson, but I’ve read the New Testament several times and am certain that Jesus would more likely hang out with a Margaret Toscano or a Lady Gaga than a Thomas Monson or a Donny Osmond. Jesus wasn’t so nice to his parents who came looking for him at age 12, to the temple-workers he chewed out for exchanging money, to observers who looked down their noses at his wining and dining with sinners, nor to the pharisees who prized obedience over holiness. I just find that the people in the church I grew up in appear a lot more like the pharisees in Jesus’ time who value outward niceness over substantive closeness to God.

So, while I try to manage my niceness going forward with increased honesty, integrity, trustworthiness and compassion I’ll probably make a few people “sad” or “angry” or “disappointed.” That’s OK. I am being rewarded with deeper friendships and more peace in my life than ever before.