What we wish we’d known about childlessness

You didn’t plan to be childless, it wasn’t what you dreamed of when you were little or when you got married or when you decided to start trying for a baby and it’s not an experience you want to be permanent. Childlessness catches you off guard, waking you from the innocent assumption that life will just drift from one stage to the next. It doesn’t necessarily happen quickly, for some a loss through miscarriage or an irreversible medical diagnosis marks the moment when the grieving starts, for some, it’s a slow process, two years of ‘trying’, doctor’s appointments, healthy diets, temperature checks and marking dates off the calendar, grief slowly rising with each month that passes. For others the hope of finding a partner slowly begins to fade, gradually overtaken by the fear of not finding someone and having the family you always dreamed of. Childlessness can be a lonely journey. It’s an increasingly common part of people’s story but it one that’s rarely told which is why you might be finding it so hard to know what to do. So, we decided to share with you a few things we wish we knew when we entered the world of infertility and childlessness, we hope it helps.

1. Grief doesn’t have a criteria

It cannot be measured by the size of the box holds your loss. Grief doesn’t have a time limit nor can some grief be labelled as worse than others. Grieving is not easy and it’s not pretty but it has be done, and if you’re struggling with childlessness then part of that struggle will be grief. The first day of a period, another Christmas without a partner, a friend or family member’s pregnancy news are all grief triggers. Know that your grief is valid and needs to be expressed.

2. Childlessness is isolating

The experience of childlessness in any form is really awkward to talk about, making it harder to feel connected with those around you then, when everyone around you just needs to look at a guy and falls pregnant you can end up feeling very left out. Being a minority isn’t easy so don’t beat yourself up when you struggling, we hope step 3 will help with this…

3. Don’t hide, talking helps

Silence is not the way to show strength, and pretending everything is okay is not a sustainable coping strategy. The only way to move forward through this struggle is to talk to someone. We believe there is life and freedom in talking about what you’re going through, and learning to talk about childlessness has been a big part of everyone at Saltwater and Honey’s journey to finding hope and healing. Talking is not easy and it makes you vulnerable, but we believe that sharing your story is the best way to help you move forward in your grief and to help you feel less alone. Find someone you trust and just tell them you’re struggling. Taking this brave step to share your story also invites others to be honest with you in return and can lead to deeper relationships. Once you begin to talk about your struggle with childlessness it can be surprising how many people come forward with similar stories. It just takes a bit of courage, but we promise it’s worth it.

4. Seeing a Counsellor doesn’t mean you’re a failure

Most of us at Saltwater and Honey have met with trained counsellors to talk through our struggle with childlessness, infertility and miscarriage. Speaking to a professional counsellor has enabled us to work through our grief, communicate better in our relationships and has helped us explore how to move forward and make the most of the lives we have. You could search for local counselling services or use some of the contact details below:

5. Doctor’s can’t do everything

We love the NHS! They are amazing and it truly is a privilege to have free health care, but with reports of overstretched staff and struggling resources, medical staff rarely have the capacity to offer emotional support to patients on top of an ever-increasing work load. Don’t let clinical reactions to your situation lessen the significance of what you’re going through. It’s more likely that the health care professional caring for you doesn’t have the time to give you the support you need, than their reaction being an indication that you’re making a fuss over nothing. You need emotional support, but right now the NHS rarely has the capacity to offer this. Infertility and miscarriage are experiences you have little control over so take the opportunity to gain control when you can. Keep hold of your medical records, read up about what you’re entitled to, ring if you’ve still not heard back about that hospital appointment and contact PALS if you have any concerns about the care you’re receiving.

6. Friend’s pregnancy news hurts, fact

No matter how loving and loyal you are, hearing the news of a friend’s pregnancy when you desperately want to have your own child is painful but this doesn’t make you a bad person or a bad friend. Everyone struggling with childlessness feels the same way when this happens, you are not alone. It can be helpful to have some distance from your friend until the frenzy of scan photos and baby talk calms down, if you’re close to your friend you could tell them this but don’t feel you have to. Of course you want to celebrate with them but it can be costly. Don’t worry, pregnancy news brings with it so much celebration there will be others to do that with them, if your friend truly loves you they will give you space and try to understand your perspective as well.

7. You don’t have to go to a baby shower or children’s birthday parties

They’re mostly full of people talking about their children and sharing childbirth stories – don’t do it to yourself. If you’re close to your friend then explain you’re worried it might be too painful, if they love you then they will understand. If you don’t want an awkward conversation just say you’re busy, you can still send a present. You’re not a bad person, you’re grieving so be kind to yourself.

8. You and your partner won’t experience struggle in the same way

Couples experiencing childlessness will struggle in different ways and this can cause tension in the relationship. Just because one of you is crying and the other isn’t, doesn’t mean they’re not experiencing pain. It can also take longer for one of you to grieve than the other, this doesn’t mean one of you is coping with this wrongly, everyone is different. Keep talking and try not to push your experience or coping strategy onto your partner, but listen to each other’s differences. It may also be helpful to see a counsellor together.

9. You can still experience, understand and know love without being a parent

The Bible tells us the only perfect love on this earth is God’s, after that, love does not exist on a sliding scale with parents being at the top. You are capable of loving and caring for people and also of receiving great love so do not let other’s opinions or experiences of love make you feel as though you are lacking. It simply is not true.

10. It’s okay to be angry with God

Christian spirituality can so often be reduced to being nice and pretending everything is okay, but when you look at the Bible this wasn’t how God’s followers lived. When they were angry and hurting and lonely they told Him so we should do the same, God’s big enough to take it. Read the Psalms and let them inspire you.

11. There’s not an easy answer

When faced with another’s pain, friends and family can be great at pulling out phrases to try and encourage you, but they can actually end up doing more damage than good. There’s the times when you’re told to ‘just relax’ or when you’re reminded about Auntie Sally’s sister’s friend who drank Cranberry juice for a year and now has six children or your mum’s neighbour’s cousin’s daughter who, as soon as she decided to adopt found out she was pregnant with triplets. Then there’s Christians telling you that ‘everything happens for a reason’ and that you just need ‘more faith’. At times it can be your internal voice telling you the reason you’re still childless is because you’d make a terrible parent or because you did a bungee jump once. But suffering isn’t something that can be resolved easily, there’s rarely a simple explanation as to why people suffer and any attempt to quickly resolve another’s pain always disrespects the sufferer and devalues the pain they’re experiencing. Suffering is not and never will be positive, it is always painful, but God’s involvement in the world teaches us about redemption. Redemption brings hope and meaning and purpose out of tragedy without denying the pain that’s gone before. We believe that something meaningful can come from your struggle with childlessness, whether its new relationships, a greater understanding of yourself, a greater empathy with outsiders, a challenge to your identity or a desire to help others who are struggling. Redemption does not happen overnight, you can’t move straight from pain to hope but one thing we are certain of is that nothing in this world is irredeemable.

12. Being a parent is not the only way to have a meaningful life

You have so much to offer to this world regardless of whether you’re a parent or not. So often the role of parenthood is exalted, implying that being single or childless is a more selfish way of living but this isn’t necessarily true. It all depends on what you do with your life. Being childless doesn’t make you less of a woman or a man or a husband or a wife or a less significant member of your community. Don’t let yourself be defined by what you don’t have, life may not look like you wanted it to right now but that doesn’t mean it’s less meaningful.

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Lizzie has spent years perfecting the art of ‘going for coffee’, it’s a skill she’s proud of and one that she loves to share with anyone who’s willing to join her for a flat white. She lives in Liverpool with her husband Dave, and Betsy the dog. Lizzie spends her days writing, feeding people, exploring new coffee shops and working for the Diocese of Liverpool as a Local Missional Leader. She loves being part of the Saltwater and Honey family and is currently writing her first book, a memoir about her experience of recurrent miscarriage and how it helped her find her voice.

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12 Comments

Thanks for this. On that last one, I find I do still struggle to find meaning in my life. I’ve never been incredibly ambitious in a “career” sense. I mostly just wanted to be a mom, so finding something that will fill that void is a challenge. I’m not sure anything in this life can fill the child-shaped void *exactly* but that’s where we pray for the grace to realize that the road of “otherness” God calls the childless to is an incredibly high calling, actually.

Hi Tracey thanks for your comment, yes, I think you’re right, this call to “otherness” is an incredibly high calling. It’s not easy, but I think those who are on that journey have a lot to give because of the deep challenge to identity and purpose because life hasn’t turned out as they hoped. I know what you mean about the career thing, it’s not a substitute for what you’d love to have. Thanks again for your comment, I can only imagine you have a lot to give from the strength you have had to find to bring you to where you are now. Lots of love to you sister xxxxx

Thanks for this Lizzie, a really powerful post. What I’ve found is that I started out being very open about our childlessness, but over the years it’s been harder to sustain as it seems fewer and fewer people ‘get it’ if you’re infertile long-term, and as friends grow their own families. I’ve even had letters encouraging me (with varying degrees of bossiness) to give up. All of this has led to my becoming ever more silent. I’m taking what you’ve written though and am really reflecting on it. Exile and isolation makes it all so much harder to bear I guess. I really value your posts! Thank you for writing so courageously. Catherine

Thank you so much for your comment Catherine. I can really identify with the struggle to keep talking as childlessness becomes a more long term thing. I think it can also be hard when nothing new has happened, there aren’t any more doctor’s appointments or tests to go through and the people who were walking with you have moved on. I know I find it harder to talk about now than before, especially as the friends who were walking with me through this experience have all moved on and we all now live in different places. I’ve been challenged recently in the relationships I have where I live now as people didn’t know me when we were constantly at the hospital and having tests and I worry they just presume that I’m over it because I don’t talk about it. I think as we move forward in our stories the way we talk about what we’re experiencing and who we talk to changes, but I do know it’s nothing to be ashamed of and that this is sadly a struggle that never leaves us.

I’m sorry to hear about the letters you’ve received, I’ve had some too! So please know I identify with the isolation and being misunderstood. Sending lots of love xxxx

Thankyou for acknowledging that there are a lot of childless people because they didn’t meet the right person. The reason is that men don’t want children.
On the subject of the time it takes to work through the grief – it is even more painful when friends become grandmothers. The pain is replaced by a bone crushing lonliness that actually gets worse as you hit your 50’s.

Hi Cathy, thank you so much for your comment. I do think those who are childless by circumstance in particular singleness are often forgotten about and people often assume they know the reason why these women haven’t had children and they’re normally wrong, wrongly assuming they haven’t had children because they never wanted them or because they were focused on their career.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, you are not alone in this experience but that does not mean it isn’t painful. Thank you also for sharing how the experience of childlessness continues later on in life as peers move into other life stages such as becoming grandparents. I can understand how the loneliness continues as well as the feeling of being left out and this is something I’ve chatted to other women over 50 about. I am sorry for the pain and the loneliness you have felt over the years, it is not fair. Regardless of how you or society may make you feel about your life, your life does have meaning. With much love xxx

Hi Ann, thanks for your email. Whilst, yes, the option of adoption is available to those who are unable to have biological children, you do have to tread very carefully with this suggestion. Adoption is a calling and not a solution to a problem. It is a wonderful, beautiful illustration of God’s heart but it cannot be and should not be seen as a way to have what you long for. When experiencing, infertility or childlessness the decision to adopt is not for everyone and it takes a long time to process as one must first allow themselves to grieve for the biological family they long to have but can’t and this is painful. We are connected with many parents who have adopted but they themselves have said adoption does not take the pain of infertility away and so whilst adoption is a fantastic thing it is not a solution or a cure for childlessness. There is a blog post written by Sheila called Turning the Question Around that deals with the topic of adoption and infertility that you may find interesting. With much love x

About adoption – this is something that’s been mentioned to me many times. Adoption isn’t always a viable option for a plethora of reasons (health, limited support network for complex needs children, partner not wanting to explore adoption and so on) and then there are those people who don’t make it through the adoption process. For myself (and many other people who couldn’t have children like me), adoption is all about the needs of the child or children and not just about my own needs of wanting to parent.
As Lizzie has also so beautifully expressed, I too have friends who have battled infertility and babyloss and have adopted, but this has never diminished their feelings over the whole infertility or baby loss process – and why would it, it’s a terrible experience to go through.
Adoption should never be seen as a ‘fix’ for someone who hasn’t been able to have their own biological children.

Hi there, thank you so much for your comment. I completely agree and you have articulated this so well. Adoption should never be seen as a solution to childlessness. I think the question about adoption should be turned around to every family, with kids or not, adoption isn’t just for the childless and, like you said it will not diminish or resolve the pain of infertility or miscarriage. Thank you so much for your comment and for your input, I think this needs to be talked about more to help people understand how unhelpful and insensitive this comment can be. With much love xx

This is a wonderful site and so lovely to feel that there may be others out there with similar feelings and struggling to come to terms with childlessness. Adoption is an interesting suggestIon but there appears to be one area that isn’t covered here – being childless and married to a man who has three beautiful children. He has no desire to adopt – why would he? He has 3 of his own and although he wanted another and would have been happy to add to the family, after 4 miscarriages and at 42, I was finally told the other day ( when finding out about the 4th -all missed miscarriages so all needing intervention) by a very kindly nurse that well it was a 70% chance you would miscarry again! I had no idea so this came as a huge shock and I now have to try and start dealing with not just the loss of my 4th baby but the loss of a family.

I know I should see the positives of having step children but it isn’t the same, if we split up, that would be it, there is no permanent role for me in their lives. They don’t contact us between evereyother weekend when they stay and although the relationship is great, it’s like having a niece and nephew.

Now I have an additional issue to tackle – trying to deal with my grief while trying not to be angry at the man I love more than anything in the world and ending up losing him, that’s really hard. I wouldn’t wish this feeling on him, I am glad he has children, he’s an amazing father but it makes it incredibly hard going through it alone.

Hi there, thank you so much for your comments and for sharing part of your story. Although adoption hasn’t really been mentioned in this post we do have a number of blog posts that address this and some of the voices on our blog have adopted themselves. I do think your story of being a step-parent without any biological children is one that is more common than many people realise and is of course, one that carries many of it’s own complexities with being a step-parent but also still carrying the grief of never having carried your own child. Similar to adoption, I think a lot of people presume having children to look after will cure the grief of infertility but it doesn’t, that grief is still there. It is great that you are able to talk about your struggle and do hope you have good friends around you who can walk with you through this difficult tension of being a step-mum but also longing to have a child of your own. Please know you’re not alone, it’s okay to grieve and that your story is very valuable. x

Saltwater and Honey is a collection of voices sharing their stories about infertility, miscarriage, childlessness and faith. These experiences can be painful and leave you feeling isolated but we want you to know that you are not alone, it’s okay to grieve and your story matters.