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Author
Topic: Is there ever a day... (Read 5415 times)

Let me apologize if someone has already asked this question - but is there ever a day that goes by for some that you don't think of yourself as a person with HIV?

I found out only four weeks ago about my status, and every day since - I have thought about it and what it means. I just hope that there will be even one day, (could be years down the road) that I don't look in the mirror and think of myself as infected.

Besides that I am doing very well with the news, might now sound like it - but I am.

I feel the exact same way dude. It is what it is. Its not going away its just part of your life now like a heat problem or any other desease would be. I dont let it get me down. My doctor kept asking me if I was ok and did not seem to believe me when I said I had accepted it and moved on. I think I would have thought differently 10 or 15 years ago like some of the long term folks on here. I cannot say what would have been going through my mind if I would have found out back then. I am lucky that I have friends that are poz and were able to give me a heads up about everything medical wise I was about to deal with. Best of luck.

I was diagnosed about 21 1/2 years ago, so I guess I'm a grizzled old veteran in this not so exclusive little club of ours. Over that time I've talked to, and counselled many a newly diagnosed person. For a pile of others, I've just observed. From my own experience, and those of others I've developed this three year theory of HIV acceptance.

During the first year, you're afraid all the time. Every little medical thing is "The Beginning Of The End!" Every cough is PCP pneumonia. Every bruise you doesn't remember getting must be KS. Every fever must be something serious. Every time you forget something, it must be dementia. Every case of food poisoning just has to be a horrible intestinal parasite. With every cut, you will imagine you are spurting death out into the universe, and be afraid of letting anyone near, or clean up afterwards. The virus will be on your mind many many many times a day. You will be oblivious to the fact that before HIV, you occasionally got sick, the way everyone else does. Your fears will ebb and flow like the tides, only much more erratically.

During the second year, you will be a little less paranoid. While the same situations are still stress provoking, the fear is much lessened. But ever set of blood tests, and their accompanying visit to the ID doctor will bring up the "What if they found something horrible," kind of thoughts again. You only think about the disease a couple of times a day.

Some time around year three, you will relax and settle into the virus being just as much a part of you as the colour of your eyes, or the shape of your nose. You will only seriously think about HIV once or twice a week. A setback will always bring the early fears right back, but they hang around for shorter and shorter periods of time.

In no way is my analysis comparable to the research of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross's seminal work "On Death and Dying." She used to consider that there were seven stages on the road to acceptance (see the movie "All That Jazz"), then later shortened it to five. But my observations aren't about the path to the certain death of a terminal cancer diagnosis, just the acceptance of you own HIV status.

It is a hard time when you first are diagnosed. I had a hard time the first 2 - 3 months and decided I was wasting to much time worrying about it.

I have adjusted very well with my meds (Kaletra and Truvada) My numbers keep going up, in March of 2006 TCells were around 130 and the VL was 9000. My last exam was 4/2007 and my numbers rose to 470 TCells and VL is undetectable. And the best thing is that I am pretty much still doing the same things I did prior to diagnosis.

As far as emotionally, I am so living my life!

I just recently told 3 female friends and they were cool.

Biggest fear? Telling potential partners...but I told the new guy in my life

Just remember that this is not the 80's where all of society was scared. Medical advances are totally awesome these days with meds, and you are not alone.

I made a major change in my life over Memorial Day, you can read the post here:

I haven't been poz long, but already the mental anguish of it all has subsided. I think it will take time for me to grieve that my old life died on April 27th, 2007 and to adjust to it's passing.

You can't grieve too long though, I have a brand new life that needs to be lived with lots of new demands and concerned people.

The old life is gone, never to return - what you do now with your second life is up to you.

As weird as this may sound, I kind of feel I am part of something special. These people have all come together in one place to really help each other, and I have been let into their club. I almost feel like I am one of the lucky ones, not the still negative people wandering through life by themselves.

I have been given a chance to be a part of something special and to DO something special myself by helping those that come along after me. I think my HP wanted to bring my skill set into this community of caring and healing and that is what I am going to do with my new life.

I would have to say "yes and no". No, because it crosses my mind at least twice a day when I swig down my pills. But yes, the "anguish" aspect of it subsides. It threw me for a loop at first, but I got past it- and so will you. Just give it a little time. It's still very fresh for you now.

There's a difference between "thinking" about HIV and "obsessing" about it. I think it about it daily when I take my meds, but I don't fixate on it. I'm really not sure how one can NOT think about it slightly when you pop 15 pills in one swoop. I don't look at it in a negative manner, just a simple fact of life. No reason to sweep it under the rug though.

Let me apologize if someone has already asked this question - but is there ever a day that goes by for some that you don't think of yourself as a person with HIV?

Since it's only been a month since your diagnosis smdaly, thinking about it a lot is perfectly natural. Everyone is different so everyone will come to terms with being positive in their own time frame and in their own ways.

Sooner or later you will realise that you are still you, and if you don't abuse your health you will probably live a very long time. Like anything new itís just going to take time to adjust.

To answer your question more directly, yes there are days when I don't really think about it.

What I can add to what has already been said?I do think about HIV almost everyday, but from an activist perspective. I don't feel like a victim, on the contrary, it makes me feel empowered. Like Bucko said, "med time is reminder time. It just becomes as natural as brushing your teeth."

Rich(who feels the same about HIV as he does about cold winter days." I don't like it, but I can live with it just fine")

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I agree with what LT said. I don't think about it too much except when I come here and when I need to disclose before having sex with someone. And even then, I don't dwell on it. Life's too short to be carrying a cross for my imminent demise.

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Floating through the void in the caress of two giant pink lobsters named Esmerelda and Keith.