American Dream

Mr. Cheney writes that after undergoing heart surgery in 2010, he was unconscious for weeks. During that period, he wrote, he had a prolonged, vivid dream that he was living in an Italian villa, pacing the stone paths to get coffee and newspapers. —The Times.

Dick Cheney walks down a stone path toward a servant.

SERVANT: Sir, your coffee—made from beans bought at free-market prices from one of the large competing coffee companies in Iraq.

CHENEY: Was there anything left in that delicious carton from Goat Milk Afghanistan Corp.?

SERVANT: Yes. They have the highest-quality goat’s milk in the world, now that they have access to capitalism. And democracy.

CHENEY: Where’s my copy of the Times?

SERVANT: Sir . . . don’t you remember? The Times went out of business after readers grew angry with its specious claims, outright lies, and unwillingness to make entertaining headline puns about war.

CHENEY: Of course—the same fate that befell MSNBC, CNN, and all the other powerful multinational media conglomerates run by longhair draft-dodgers.

SERVANT: Here is your polished 1972 Medal of Honor and your Wall Street Journal, the United States’ only remaining newspaper. Perhaps you might enjoy this article about the career renaissances of Jon Voight and Kelsey Grammer?

CHENEY: Glad to see those talented and perspicacious thespians are starring in the remake of “The Fountainhead,” produced by Cowboy State Films, in Wyoming, since Los Angeles was wiped out in that earthquake.

SERVANT: An earthquake geologists attributed not to any physical fault lines but to moral fault lines in Californians’ depraved consciences.

SERVANT: Sir, it’s President Koch. There’s a national crisis, and he wants to know what to do.

CHENEY: Maybe we should patch in George down in Texas?

(A pause, then the servant and Cheney erupt into laughter.)

SERVANT (after he calms down): You had me for a minute.

CHENEY (wiping his eyes): I wasn’t sure I could keep a straight face. (They both crack up again.) Whew! Seriously, though, I’m on vacation. Tell him to defer to the newly elected Congress of Halliburton.

SERVANT (after delivering the message): He says he will also ask for guidance from the C.E.O.s of ExxonMobil, Walmart, and Pfizer.

CHENEY: I have never been in the same room or in any way communicated with those men, but I assume they are wise, and are men.