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Thursday, December 31, 2015

I thought I had learned my lesson about taking Ambien then continuing to engage by texting, using social media, or blogging (especially blogging) instead of going to bed. I haven't had an Ambien fueled eating binge or horrifying blog post in a really long time. I've always been full of surprises, but never as much as after my TBI in 2010. In the first two years after my injury, my husband had to closely monitor everything thing I did, because he never knew what I was going to do and I was especially unpredictable after I had taken Ambien. Those first couple of years I would wake in the middle of the night and either binge on anything I could get my chubby little fingers on, or blog things that would horrify my husband. It became his normal routine to get up early to see what kind of damage I may have done. There were several blog post I had to remove before the rest of the world woke up :-) The eating binges were kind of amusing. When I say I would binge without knowledge, I mean I would wipe out the fridge, including eating sticks of butter with no memory until I woke up and saw the remnants of empty packages scattered all over the kitchen and through the house. Apparently, I ate on the move. The sheer quantity of food I would ingest during the night was alarming. As I slowly recovered from the TBI, my Ambien fueled episodes disappeared.... Until last night. I didn't clean out the fridge, but I did offer up way more information than my cousin was expecting . I didn't know I had texted her until I started to text my husband this morning and noticed I had exchanged text with her last night after I was in bed. I texted her this morning. She said she busted out laughing when she read it and she hadn't stopped smiling. I was mortified for about 2.5 seconds.... I'm over it now. It's okay by me if I continue to have a few "Jackie" moments.... It keeps things interesting, and amuses my husband immensely.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

It's hard to believe it's time to shut the door on 2015 and step into the future. I had a sad start when the door opened to 2015. New Year's Eve my husband and I lay beside our beautiful Sailor Girl (Mastiff) as she passed along with the year. For the first time in 20 years, we did not enjoy New Year's day playing games and having fun with our friends, but rather we found ourselves digging a grave large enough to bury a human, in the freezing rain. It was not a happy start. Here are a few of the things 2015 taught me.

1. Sailor isn't the only friend I lost in 2015.

2. There can be benefits to loss (less dog hair, less expense).

3. Regardless of the challenges you face, keep putting one foot in front of the other and fake it until you make it.

4. When you hear the phrase "The airbag deployed", what they really mean is your steering wheel
will EXPLODE in your face which changes the way you view airbags forever (I don't necessarily consider them friendly devices).

5. Being a Lolli is the best thing on earth.

6. When you come to a slippery slop, take a different path.

7. The Cinderella movie was just as good as I imagined.

8. I'm glad my kids aren't teenagers.

9. I still get nostalgic about back to school.

10. People Pleasers get no slack.

11. A new mop rocked my world.

12. A hot flat iron will remove your finger prints.

13. Change is good.

14. Mom's not mad at me anymore.

15. Resorts don't want you petting the fish.

16. Sandcastles look different in pictures than they do in real life.

17. Never let a friend post a picture of you in your swimsuit!!! EVER

18. The ocean contains the breath of God.

19. Going above and beyond blesses you.

20. I can express myself with more than words and eye rolling.

21. My living room is perfectly arranged.

22. Sweet things can bite.

23. The Amish aren't the only ones who believe in shunning those who disagree with them.

24. I have the best husband in the world.

25. I love people who make me belly laugh.

Come on 2016, give me what you've got. To you and yours..... Be blessed!

Monday, December 28, 2015

Christmas is a stressful time of year. My daughter was in the Navy for 9 years which meant we spent many holidays without her presence and knowing she was homesick and missing the traditions she grew up with. My oldest son now has a family of his own and has chosen to intentionally live a minimalist lifestyle. My youngest son is on his own busily pursuing his dreams. This year our family made a collective decision not to exchange gifts. It's something I have been in favor of for several years, but without everyone being onboard, it's hard thing to do. While making holiday plans this year, my son simply said they did not want to exchange gifts. The rest of the family seemed to agree the gift exchange was something we could do without..... Hence we had a "Gift-less Christmas". Let me assure you, it was much easier said than done. After years of racking my brain about what to get who, of scrambling for useful and thoughtful ideas, and always spending more than I could afford, it seemed extremely unnatural to resist the urge to splurge. Each day UPS and Fed-Ex would deliver boxes and boxes of items ordered by co-workers for their family and friends. I sat calmly on the side as those around me fretted and stressed about timely delivery and last minute shopping. In a way I felt like I was missing out, but in another way there was a strange peace. Don't get me wrong..... I LOVE giving gifts, especially when I find the perfect something. But when I find the perfect something, I don't want to wait until Christmas to give it. Okay, in all honesty, I don't like to wait until Christmas to give it mainly because I'm bad about putting it somewhere then forgetting where I put it which makes it pointless to buy the perfect gift if you lose or forget about it before you can give it. Plus, there is nothing more special than a gift that is given or received at a random time, for a random reason, or for no reason. In fact, those gifts are usually treasured because they are such a surprise. I'm not sure when, or how it happened, but Christmas has morphed into something it was never meant to be. Society has giftnapped our Christ centered holiday and we're letting it happen. Christmas has become a competitive sport that has nothing to do with the birth of our Savior. I look back over the years and see how manically I worked to create Martha Stewart magazine cover memories of sugar cube houses and cookie decorating for reasons that had nothing to do with the birth of Christ. I went to great lengths to create picture perfect memories that would be scrapbooked and tucked away in case I ever needed to defend my worth as a Memory Making Mom. My energy would have been better spent trying to make the holidays simplistically obtainable rather than elaborately ridiculous. Whatever the case, this year was wonderfully relaxing and definitely memorable for reasons that have nothing to do with ribbons and bows. It was unconventional to say the least and raised more than a few eyebrows, but I'm happy to report that we survived just fine without the wrappings and all it's trappings the holidays usually brings. I can't say for sure, but we may have created a new family tradition.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

He wrapped his arms around her as she rested her head on his shoulder, for the first time in hours she was at total peace. She reached up with a tender finger and traced the outline of his jaw, his eyes never left hers. He stared at her as if staring into her soul as she began to melt. She felt completely at home and safe in his arms, a place she never wanted to leave. She could feel his strength and it made her feel delicate, like something to be cherished. He brushed her cheek with his fingertips and pushed back a strand of hair that had fallen across her eyes, then he took a small cloth and wiped a bead of sweat that had formed on her brow. She caught her breath for just a moment and he reached down and rubbed the small of her back until she began to relax again... It was going to be a long night. They sat in silence and she was completely comfortable with that because they needed no words. Truly there really were no words to express the emotions that grew in either of their hearts; so silence was good. She had pondered many things over the last few months, but how this man had come to be hers was one of the more prevalent of all her pondering. She had always believed that God would provide and that he would make a way where there seemed to be no way, but with this one.... well it seemed to be too good to be true. In spite of the comfort she felt in his arms the pain became more than she thought she could bear. It came in waves that shook the core of her being and she began to wonder if any good could thing come from such agony. Wave after wave of pain riped through her. He began to nuzzle her and whispered words of encouragement into her ear. She wept and he wept with her as she struggled to bring light into a very dark world. He felt so helpless, so unprepared for the task at hand and she seemed so young and fragile, but she had no doubts. She knew every thing God had spoken to her was true, unbelievable but true. If she ever had a doubt it was quickly chased away when Joseph refused to send her away. God had worked many miracles in her life, but the most stunning of all was the man he had selected to accompany her on this journey of journeys.... Yes, God had given her a good man.

No Ordinary Night

The night was as still as they had seen it in a while. Not a breeze could be felt as they lay around the camp. The older of the shepherds had already drifted into their nightly slumber. Since they had seniority they got the first hours of watch, the one in the early evening hours. They left the early morning hours to the young shepherds. The older shepherds had seen all of the strange early morning happenings, heard all of the alarming noises that accompanied the darkness. As far as they were concerned the young ones needed the experience in determining the difference between real danger and imagined danger. It was funny the tricks your mind could play on you when all you had was the moon and the sound of the earth to keep you awake. Besides, watching the young ones get used to the dark hours amused the old ones immensely. The young ones would not wake the old ones unless they knew there was a real threat. They were tired of their over reactions being the topic of every village meal once they returned home. After a while it just wasn't funny anymore, at least not to them. The shepherds like the rest of the world had been lulled into somewhat of a spiritual slumber. Stories of the coming Messiah was part of their heritage, something they grew up hearing about all their lives. The 400 years of silence had brought some Jews to cease the anticipation of the long awaited Messiah. Many had gone about their daily lives as if a Savior would never come. Among the shepherds in the field that night, many of the young ones had never given it much thought.... That was until the sky began to lighten as if covered by a white mist. At first they stared in total shock, there was no way they would wake the old ones because the sky was turning a hazy white. Then as they continued to look the outline of the angels began to materialize before their very eyes. Ever so gradually angel after angel appeared, transfixed between heaven and earth. Although the stillness never ceased, an atmosphere of anticipation began to sweep over the country side awakening the older shepherds. Their eyes popped open like wild prey was standing over them. Immediately their eyes turned upward to see the appearing of what looked like angels... If this was a dream it was no ordinary dream and if this wasn't a dream then this was no ordinary night.

Not a Typical King

The wings of the angles spread out touching tip to tip creating a barrier around the young couple. They had been given strict instructions about the amount of comfort they could give. Their presence provided cover from the evil forces that searched throughout the area looking to interfere with the Father's plans. The head angel had been the one chosen to deliver the message to the young girl in the beginning. He remembered how young and innocent she looked as he relayed the message of the coming events. For just a second he wondered if he had misinterpreted his instructions and was giving the news to the wrong girl. Surely this could not be the one the Father had selected to bring the Savior into the world. A quickening in the heaven's got his attention and he continued to recite the news to the girl who stood mesmerized by his words. Tonight she looked totally different than she had the day he first saw her. It seemed she had aged 10 years. No longer did she look like a child, tonight she looked like a woman in the travail of giving birth. Being selected by the Father doesn't mean the journey will be easy, that's why such care is taken in those he chooses. Tonight the Father's instructions were very pointed. They were sent to provide protection, strength and encouragement. They were prevented however, from relieving the couple from any pain or trouble experienced in a typical earthly childbirth. It was difficult to stand back and not intervene. The best they could do is prompt Joseph with encouraging words to offer Mary and to give them both strength that had been sent with them from above. Still it looked to be a very agonizing process, this birth. The angels staunchly held their ground and trusted that the Father knew best when it came to the process of saving the world. This wasn't what they imagined when they were given the assignment of protecting the couple as they delivered the King of Kings.... This was much more humble and these people more common than they expected . No, this couple was not the typical royal family most would be looking for, and their son would prove in every possible way that he would not be.... a typical King.

When Earth Meets Heaven

﻿

By the hundreds they gathered over the field, a whole host of angels. They could see the shepherds thoughtlessly going through their duties, the way earthly bound beings thoughtlessly went about everything. Some of the more cynical angels seemed a little disappointed that the proclamation they were prepared to give would be done in such a mundane setting, but those thoughts were fleeting. This was the night that all of heaven had been preparing for thousands of years. This would be the night that changed all of humanity for eternity. The angels could not help but wonder if the earthly bound beings would grasp the meaning of it all. They were so limited by their insight and knowledge of all things spiritual. Yet, that was not their concern. Their mission had been carefully planned, the announcement would be made as soon as the signal was given. That was another thing. Although the mission carefully planned, the announcement meticulously written the actual signal itself had not been described. They were simply told that they would recognize the signal when it was given. The angels had no trouble accepting this as fact and eagerly awaited the moment. The earthly bound beings may not know what was going on this gentle evening, but without a doubt the earth herself knew that all things would soon change. The shepherds had began to notice the ever changing sky and they stood like statues staring in awe at the sight that unfolded before them. The angels, the shepherds and even the sheep stood in anticipation, waiting for the moment when heaven and earth would meet in the form of a crying child.

Love at First Sight

She gasped for air, she prayed for strength and she thought the pain would never end. For hours her body had been torn apart by wave after wave of pain. Sweat poured from her brow, her lips were parched from her rapid breathing and she didn't know how much longer she would be able to endure. The arms that had cradled her so gently earlier were now like a noose around her neck. She didn't want to be touched, she didn't want to be left alone, she just wanted it to end and end quickly. Joseph paced back and forth, wringing his hands in worry. Each time he saw her relax for a second or two he would kneel beside her, offer her a drink, wipe her brow then quickly step aside before the next wave of pain started. How much longer he wondered. Suddenly she sat up and took a deep breath. When she exhaled a moan escaped her lips that was so deep and so barbaric that it caught him by surprise. Her face became white as ash and her head dropped till her chin touched her chest. At that moment he heard the release of water and blood pour from her womb. In an instant the earth was caught in a large vacuum like all of the oxygen had been sucked from the air and then immediately a rushing wind swept through the manger, then silence. Nothing but silence. She reached down and picked up the pasty infant that lay between her legs. With her touch he let out a wail. His arms waved wildly in the night air, his fingers and toes were spread apart like he had just been dropped in ice cold water. He shook all over as he cried and quickly, so quickly his skin turned red. The softest of sighs came from her chest as she brought him to her cheek. The babe turned his head to meet her cheek as if to give her a kiss. For the first time in history, heaven met humanity and without a doubt it was love at first sight.

My childhood Christmas Eve memories consist of dozens of cousins crammed into a house too small for such a huge brood. My memory conjures up the sound of dozens of screaming cousins jacked up on sugar and caffeine, getting on "The Aunts" last nerve. Eventually one of "The Aunts" would wrangle the dozens of cousins up and herd us into Grandpa's 5 x 5 bedroom. Before sliding the accordion door, they would toss a single silver thimble into the pack of wild hoodlums and tell us to play hide the thimble very quietly as not to get onto Grandma's nerves. Okay, here's the deal. Grandma had 8 children.... She didn't have nerves. "The Aunts" had nerves, especially the one I called Mom. We would quietly (NOT) play hide the thimble until someone lost a limb or was hemorrhaging enough blood that "The Aunts" would be moved with compassion to the point of releasing us from the 5 x 5 room from hell. Eventually the ripping open of presents would begin. After the chaos was over the dozens of cousins would disperse to different houses for a good nights sleep on floors and bumpy mattresses. I remember waking up Christmas morning to the smell of freshly baked biscuits and a pot of my all time favorite breakfast food..... Chocolate Gravy..... Once the sugary concoction hit our veins and we gathered again for lunch the chaos would begin again, but if it was nice outside the dozens of cousins could romp and rip each other outside making "The Aunts" a joyous bunch of God fearing women.

He wrapped his arms around her as she rested her head on his shoulder, for the first time in hours she was at total peace. She reached up with a tender finger and traced the outline of his jaw, his eyes never left hers. He stared at her as if staring into her soul as she began to melt. She felt completely at home and safe in his arms, a place she never wanted to leave. She could feel his strength and it made her feel delicate, like something to be cherished. He brushed her cheek with his fingertips and pushed back a strand of hair that had fallen across her eyes, then he took a small cloth and wiped a bead of sweat that had formed on her brow. She caught her breath for just a moment and he reached down and rubbed the small of her back until she began to relax again... It was going to be a long night. They sat in silence and she was completely comfortable with that because they needed no words. Truly there really were no words to express the emotions that grew in either of their hearts; so silence was good. She had pondered many things over the last few months, but how this man had come to be hers was one of the more prevalent of all her pondering. She had always believed that God would provide and that he would make a way where there seemed to be no way, but with this one.... well it seemed to be too good to be true. In spite of the comfort she felt in his arms the pain became more than she thought she could bear. It came in waves that shook the core of her being and she began to wonder if any good could thing come from such agony. Wave after wave of pain riped through her. He began to nuzzle her and whispered words of encouragement into her ear. She wept and he wept with her as she struggled to bring light into a very dark world. He felt so helpless, so unprepared for the task at hand and she seemed so young and fragile, but she had no doubts. She knew every thing God had spoken to her was true, unbelievable but true. If she ever had a doubt it was quickly chased away when Joseph refused to send her away. God had worked many miracles in her life, but the most stunning of all was the man he had selected to accompany her on this journey of journeys.... Yes, God had given her a good man.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Today Mike and I celebrate our 34th wedding anniversary. That's a HONKIN long time! I couldn't possibly be old enough to have been with him almost twice as long as I was without him, but some how I am. 34 years of marriage doesn't just happen.... It takes commitment, forgiveness, and trusting God enough to remain in his perfect will. When we got married, we both believed that we were in God's perfect will, in fact our invitations stated that was our purpose for being together. After raising 3 kids, watching all leave the nest, and a lot of ups and downs, I still stand firmly on the belief that I am celebrating life and all it's wonders with the person God chose for me. If asked.... "Do you take Michael Craig Patterson?" My response is..... "I still do!"

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

This week is a big week for me.... Us. Mike and I will celebrate our 34th wedding anniversary Saturday. The number of years we've been together just shocks me. When I stood at the alter at the age of 18 and vowed to love and cherish him until death do us part.... I never realized I'd be this old, or that I had gotten married at such a young age. That being said, if I knew then, what I know now, I'd marry him all over again. He has loved me when I was unloveable..... He has cherished me even when I've been a toot (I know it's hard to imagine me being one, but maybe a time or two). But most importantly he loved me when I looked at him as through the eyes of a stranger, after my TBI. I know that was probably the hardest time to love me. The scariest thing about my injury, was the disconnect I felt not just toward him, but toward all of my loved ones. He loved me knowing I felt disconnected. He has never waivered, never strayed, from loving me with his whole heart even when I couldn't really love him back. His patience paid off because as I came out of the TBI fog, I fell in love with him all over again and as we prepare to celebrate our anniversary, I am humbled and blessed by his amazing love.

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About Me

Life is a roller coaster of emotions..... At least for this girl. If I feel it, more than likely you'll know it. I LOVE surprises and detest disappointment. Since life is filled with both, I've learned to roll with it. I suffered a mild traumatic brain injury in 2010. The journey back to being me has been a long lonely journey. Life keeps changing and I keep changing with it.