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1. You’re legitimately extremely busy and don’t plan on making time for just anyone. You’ve got a full-time job, a side hustle, and are currently working on putting plans together for the next big digital non-profit to eradicate world poverty. When you look at your schedule each day, you’ve got 5 hours of “me time” and by “me time” you mean sleep. So whoever disrupts your extremely busy life will simply have to be a very special somebody. Till then, a life of fulfilled busyness it is.

2. You have an unexplained but strong dislike for everyone within your “dating market/pool.” Whether you find them immature or you’ve decided you’re too immature, all people who you could potentially be interested in lose their appeal after about 15 seconds.

3. You simply just hate everyone. (Not just people in your dating market.) And until you and your therapist uncover the core of this, you’ve decided it’s best you stay away from…

It was such an enjoyable (and a very tiring one) journey to be the Managing Editor of our school newspaper, CASCADE, in my senior year. Aside from layouting, I was also assigned together with the EIC to write for the column proper for three issues. My column’s title proper was “Self Captivated” – which means being a captive of yourself, being imprisoned, confined, or enslaved.I feel so grateful and blessed for having this “job” (should I call it job haha) because I get to share my own heartbreaks and hardships in life and even become an inspiration to all. Choz feeling beauty queen!!

In the first issue, I talked about the major thing/sickness I faced in highschool -Tardiness, which was entitled “Beating 7:30” while in the second issue, I wrote something about one of my most heartbreaking experiences in my life and that was my own Ateneo heartbreak experience

Since CASCADE second issue’s already published and distributed, I wanted to share you what I wrote there.

It was around 6:30 am when my dad carried me out of my bed. He did because I begged him to let me stay and not go with them to check the ACET results. But he told me to gather up my senses, wake myself up, and have the whole courage to come and see the results together with the other seniors around the Philippines, who also aspired and prayed hard to get in to this prestigious school, the Ateneo de Manila University.

This elite school had been my dream since I entered high-school. I have always felt like I was meant to be there. I have already heard bunch of great news of the school’s reputation even before I told myself that it would be the university that I will dream and eye for. One is that Ateneo’s good in everything; they never failed to produce the best kinds of people. Also, the school is composed of high-class students. If you have the ‘beauty’ and the ‘brains’ then that would mean you are already qualified. I now admit that I was really blinded with all the news I heard. I constantly tell to myself “Ano bang kina-iba ng Ateneo sa ibang universities? There’s something special talaga. I deserve to be there.”

To be accepted in Ateneo is everyone’s dream. In the summer of 2012, I grabbed the opportunity and enrolled myself in a review center. I believed that it would be an enough preparation for the upcoming assessment. On September 15, 2012, I gave Ateneo a shot. I took the ACET. I answered and shaded every question with all bravery. I confess to you now that I wasn’t really pretty sure with all my answers, and I swear that the Numerical Ability part sucked big time. Gladly, I still conquered it.

Four months of uncertainty of passing or not equaled to the times of sleepless nights to highlight especially the last few days before the verdict. I was bugged each and every moment of the thought of my name written or not and how hurt I’d be if not. I felt a total kind of uneasiness before the day of results. I even had nightmares before it. I don’t know why, but I already got depressed in advance.

On January 12, 2013, perhaps one of the most emotional days I ever had, is the day of the ACET results. It was a dramatic scene in our car with my sister who stayed beside me while my parents went out to check if my name was written on the board because I didn’t have the nerves to go check it by myself. It was a total of 30 minutes of waiting. I was already breathing hard and tried not to be emotional as I can.

From my view inside the car, I saw a small crowd at the gym, where the boards are meant to be posted. I was sure that my parents were already there and that in a few minutes, they are going back and I would already know the news I patiently waited for months. A second after a second, the crowd would get bigger and bigger and would still give me the same goosebumps I felt the moment we arrived at the site.

Until, I saw a mini-truck that carries something. Those stuff seemed to be covered with manila papers. “Manila Papers. Omg. Is this it?” I told myself when I saw those and everything was like in a slow-mo. Even before all these ACET stuff, I’ve already searched YouTube vids about how they were shown to at least be aware of the feeling of the momentum of anticipation of seeing your name written. I watched it and saw 4-5 boards covered with Manila Papers and simultaneously, they were uncovered, and all the people mostly made up of parents started shouting and screaming and jumping. I even saw a dad hugging his daughter tight although, it wasn’t clear if it was a victory or a failure, but all I am sure of is that they were both crying.

On that day, Jan 12, everything felt surreal. It was like I was in that actual video. When I heard the crowd’s grasps that slowly turned into screams, the buzzer from the gym, combo-ed with my over-reacting heartbeats, I started to break-down. My tears edged my eyelids and eventually, they went down. I started crying out everything –my nervousness, the frustrations of might-not-passing, and all. From the car, I sensed that the boards that carry the names of the passers were finally put into where they should be. Just like what I’ve seen from the YouTube video, they were slowly uncovered. When that happened, I heard a moment of silence, but surprised voices, victory screams, and all kinds of tones seemed to immediately fill the air. In that moment of time, I wished to hear my dad scream because that would mean I passed. But there was none.

There weren’t only screams. From my view and my sister’s, there were also jumping students and parents out of joy. There were also more who slowly walked their way back to their cars. It was obvious that they got a bad news because you would see a frown on their disappointed faces, and they wouldn’t talk until they get into their cars. But what highlighted it is how my parents went back from the site where the boards are. From afar, I knew right there and then what news they carry, so they came in the car and my dad initially told me “Nak, walang nakapasa sa inyo?” In my mind I was like “Cmon dad. How about my name?” And he finally told me, “Anak, di ka pumasa.”

Damn. I felt numb for a moment. I had no initial reaction. For a minute, it felt so empty.

We had no reason to stay for long in Ateneo, so we already went our way out, and I avow it’s the most dramatic moment of that lonely morning of Saturday. Just like in the movies, I was near the window where the raindrops are slowly falling on the glass, I was looking at the Ateneo building and the feeling of hurt and rejection filled my heart. In my head, it was like, “Damn. ‘Di ako makakapag-aral dito. Dahil ba hindi ako magaling? Dahil ba rich kids lang ang pwede dito, at ibig sabihin ako hindi?” I started to cry, cry, and cry. My dream school did not accept me. I did not pass. All these went inside and broke down my heart into pieces. Was I reacting too much? Yes. I swear I felt so low. In that moment, I considered myself as a combo of Bobo and Tanga. I wasn’t able to utter a single word to my parents. Even an “I’m okay” statement did not work because of course I was not okay with what I heard. I texted my friends that I did not make it to at least release my feelings. Thankfully, I stopped crying for a while then later on, I got a call from my best friend. I picked the phone up, and only voiced out words that are less than five, and between them are long gaps. Eventually, I shed my tears all over AGAIN. I am grateful to my best friend for just listening even if it took minutes of crying. I told him to call again because I already started feeling awkward.

Failing the ACET gave me a fear. I worried about what-if-I-don’t-pass-the-other-schools-I-will-apply-to? What if not passing the ACET really means I am that stupid and will not pass to any exam that I would take in my life ever. I was that nega. Mega nega, actually.

At first, I did not want to accept the fact of failure, but after hearing my dad’s narration of the different reactions he saw during the revelation of the names, I felt lighter. I realized I was not alone in this loneliness. However, that does not mean I want others to feel the same way I was feeling because I swear it sucks. Imagine a girlfriend or a boyfriend dumping you. That is exactly how it felt. I felt dumped, rejected, and low.

According to the news, this is the least set of passers Ateneo ever had. Only 20% of the ACET takers made it in. The university in no doubt really did well in screening their upcoming students. That only means the passers deserve to be Atenistas, but I attest to you that I am not bitter over that. That does not mean I do not deserve Ateneo. Anyone is worthy to be in a school where there is an assured good education. It’s just it isn’t really for me.

It took me a day to get over with my upsetting result. I was surprised that it was just how fast it is. Days before the results, I have already anticipated the feeling of great disappointment. I even told my classmates that I would miss a day in school if I fail the ACET. I thought that it would be a longer process of healing, but then I realized that it is all about your open-mindedness on things, and your faith in God to get over with failures and hurts.

I paid attention to my feelings, and contemplated that why would I even dwell on the sad side of the story? Why would I soak myself into so much frustration? It’s just a college. There are countless schools in the Philippines, and maybe one of those schools is where I am really supposed to be; where I am fit, and where God wants me to be.

God’s will is greater than our dreams.

Many times in our lives, we go through great disappointments and these send us to the worst times, and we feel like dying, crashing, and all, but always remember, God will not put us into something we cannot handle. Nevertheless, let yourself be human. When in disappointment or rejection, release it all out for a moment; lock in your room, eat ice cream, throw a stone, break a glass, cry out loud, scream, jump, or whatever it is that will release your feelings for a moment. JUST FOR A MOMENT. Take it from my experience; I cried for hours and drama-d so hard, but here I am still -putting up that big smile on my face. Do not ever dwell on the sadness and the rage of the feelings of failure and being a failure. I know it is hard to recover from such things, but do not over emphasize it. What God wants us to do is make a swift recovery and stand up. Come on, rejection does not mean you are the worst person on Earth and that you cannot make up for things. You can be good wherever you are. Dwelling on the failure will not bring you any good. It will just hold you, and hold you back from catching the success in your life. Always look at the brighter side.

If you ever read my column from the last issue, good news, I was suspended for a day. God taught me a lesson. If you are hard-headed, He will really teach you everything that you need to know in the hard way. But I know my suspension has a purpose just like how I failed the ACET. Everything has its purpose.

To end this column, I would like to thank my dad and my mom for all their efforts since forever – laughing with me, crying with me through the thick and thin and all, and for never giving up on inspiring and encouraging me. I love you always! I would also like to let my friends know that I am infinitely thankful to them, for they never failed to cheer me up. To my teachers, thank you for the support, the prayers, and all the inspiring words. Lastly, to God, who endlessly loved me, and picked me up and will always pick me up from all the hurts that I have gone through and possibly still go through in the future.

This ACET experience taught me that experiencing a major downfall is fun. Literally, it is not of course, but the fun part is the post-downfall when you just review everything you went through and realize that ‘Wow, I just got over it!”

Einstein was not a super-genius when he was born. Someone told Oprah that she was unfit for TV. The girl or the boy who dumped you is not the only person in the world. Yale did not accept Blair Waldorf. Ateneo is not the only school in the Philippines. Stand up, chin up, and be better than ever whenever and wherever.

It just came so fast. I feel like it all began exactly when my junior year ended -Recognition practices, Dance school, and review center. Believe it or not, I’ve always anticipated for this moment to come –the end of everything -the end of my senior year, the end of being a student, and the of end high school, but something just aches whenever I notice that it’s already the final bye. I mean, it passed so swift. I still remember writing a dramatic and an overly-emotional post over my junior year. Now it’s this. Senior Year. Looks like I’m about to create one again.

It might sound very cliche to say that High school is the fun-est thing in your life, and I admit many times in my life I became so much irritated with how my mom always reminded me to create more and more memories while I’m still in high school, and to value each and every moment of that, and blah blah blah, and something like I-promise-you-nothing-beats-highscool, and all, but now I attest to that. Truly nothing beats high school because firstly, it only happens once. Secondly, you’re never gonna find the wildest classmates again. Thirdly, it’s a chill slash death-defying phase in your life where in you’re left with no choice, but just do it and give in like staying up late for your term papers and mooooore papers because if you don’t do so, it’s the entire group who’ll be at stake, something like that.

You might be a current high school student, a high school graduate, a college grad, a parent, a senior citizen (chos feeling hit yung blog ko lol), or just normally an organism, but I know and I’m aware that we all have amazing stories to tell on how high school have been to us, but let me share the Julia-Erika-Petalver-version-of-high-school, particularly Senior Year.

First day

Everybody loves the first day. It makes everyone feel like their back to zero. The smell of the paper which you never thought you’d ran out of soon, the vibe of your uniform which you never wore after two months, the noise which consist of studded tsismis and stories to tell to you best buds, and all never fail to delight me. First days have always gave me that new-year-kind-of-beginning like I should be like this and that, follow a new trend or whatever. I’ve always felt like I was given the chance to restart everything on first days, but never mind the mid-end times of school.

Even if it was my last year in high school, it still gave me an excitement to have known where my seat is, my new seatmates, new teacher, possible friends, and all. Plus of course to catch up with my best friends even if I already spent half of my summer 2012 with some of them, too. Lol I mean you never get tired hearing the same juices from your best friends because they are your best friends Haha

I remembered sitting beside a newbie. His name is Pocholo Racho. We called him Cho or Racho. To others he was new, but to me he wasn’t because we’ve already met in 2nd Year. He was a friend of my friend. Never mind. I wonder why my teacher, of all people, chose me to seat beside him. But actually, I don’t really wonder that much because maybe my teacher thought I am that kind of person who’s accommodating and so welcoming and could eventually make friends with a transferee which is yes, really true. I am not that type who likes to make others feel off because I know how it exactly feels especially on your first day of school. Gladly, Cho and I got along well with each other.

My first day in Senior Year was such a big adjustment for me not just because of the basic fact that it was my first day as a Senior, but because it was also the start of me-wearing-braces! I really made it sure to wear it on my Senior Year to feel exactly new, but it was a wrong damn choice to wear it exactly before the first day! Agh I remembered that whole lot struggle in chewing. That first week felt like I was on fasting. I chose to skip meals which gave me such headaches. See. It was like I was dared. It made me wish that foods would transform to soups whenever I want to, but not. Thankfully, I wasn’t the only one who experienced that kind of awesomeness. Gail and Rowan also had their braces in the first days hehe and when they had it, I was already through with the pain minus of course the times when I had to go to adjustments and everything goes back square one/hurting.

On my first day, my hair was still dyed. I was so happy I could go to school with my hair blonde. BUT BUT BUT. Sir Rex eventually ordered that no one should have their hair dyed. 😦 Damn why I was a responsible and an obedient student since then so I had my hair dyed with black, which was not my natural hair color. I was naturally brown-haired!!! (chos feeler haha)

Teachers

We had a lot of new teachers. There were like three or four. It was definitely hard of course (not in my part cuz I can always adjust but for others) because you got used to the teacher you had for three years on the same subject and suddenly it’s your last year and it’s a new adjustment and all iwth all the new teachers, so it was really a pressure on us.

Take Sir Rex, my Values teacher for three years, as an example -his exams were damn easy. In my Junior year, I twice got 100 on his exams. His exams had always consisted of a-common-sense-Multiple-Choice, Identification, and put-whatever-you-want-Enumeration, the Memory Verse part (the hardest part I think because if you miss a word or a punctuation, then that would be a minus), Mission and Vision of the School (which we had for years… as in since First Year!! Sobrang impossible kung hindi mo pa memorize), and lastly the Essay part (5 points each). Sadly, Sir Rex moved from being a Values teacher to being a Prefect of Discipline Officer. I think he was really fit for that. Not everybody loves Sir Rex, but everybody would surely prefer him if they were to choose between Sir Rex and Maam Maricel, the new Values teacher. She was toooooootally the opposite of Sir Rex. Sir Rex was lenient, but Ma’am Maricel, nevermind!

I don’t know if I’m in the right place to say this, but yes, I am in love deeply with an artist/band member again. I hate to say I hate the band but I should be honest. I really do not like the entire boy-band hahaha but I love that one person. And guess what, I mentally married him just this morning. Ok let’s stop the vague-ness of the previous lines I typed.

If you’re following me on Twitter, I’m sure you have the littlest idea of what I am talking about. It’s Zayn Malik, yes that majestic guy from the band I hate *oopsreallysorry*, One Direction.

I’ve already heard about this months ago in school, where few of my classmates are really fond of this band that has cute and catchy songs, One Direction. At first I was kind of testing the band, listening to their songs, staring at each faces, and whatever it is, but time went by and I found nothing really interesting or great from it (please don’t hate huhu). Summer came, and I thought I was off from the the One Direction craze my classmates had because they made their songs an everyday anthem, which I had to hardly accept. I thought I was really off until that cursed day came when my brother found about this One Thing music vid and why in the world did he have to rape that replay button. It wasn’t just a day. Those were days of loudly playing it, and again why in the world did it have to be my wake up tune. It was hurtful, yes. It was. Like, a baby-directioner? I feel alienated. Everyone’s into it.

BUT BUT BUT on the 15th of May, today (as of this post haha) I found my true love. Omg what a cray line. Let’s replace it. I think I finally appreciated a song from One Direction. Plus, finally I have finalized my feelings about Zayn Malik. I don’t care if he smokes, I don’t care if his nationality-mixture is weird or whatever, and I don’t really give a damn if he had a girlfriend who’s six years older than him. Wow *breaths* that really sounded like I’m a true fangirl. But thank God I won’t be called a directioner (cuz I don’t really want to) because they have this rule whatever that if you don’t love one of them, you can’t have the ‘rights’ to be called a directioner. What more if I just fangirl Zayn Malik who is just 1/5 of the One Direction?

who wouldn’t fall for this guy

But in all honesty, from that moment I laid eyes on Zayn Malik, and fell in love with this British-Pakistani-English majestic guy with majestic thick eyebrows, I promised to myself that I should also share the love to the entire band (omg no). I find it really hellish, but I HAD TO DO IT. So I think I’m on the baby steps of being a directioner (forever not haha), to have a staple favorite song. ZAYN MALIK REALLY LOOKS UGH HERE!!!!!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤