Saturday, March 19, 2005

Fuck these people

I'm raging over an extremely upsetting remark my father said to me today. I almost wasn't able to hold my tongue but unfortunately had to so I'm not thrown out on the streets. He was telling me that again the kiddie failed to turn off her alarm clock, which goes off at 6:15 am. Instead of turning it off, I think she's still half asleep and just hits the snooze. The problem is that she goes downstairs and so once the alarm goes off again it just keeps going because she can't hear it from downstairs. So then it wakes my father and he turns it off. This has been an ongoing problem and I fully understand his frustration with it. I wouldn't want to be woken up that fucking early in the morning either.He said that if it happens again he's going to move her bed down into the basement in the middle of the family room and she can sleep there from now on. And, if she doesn't like that she can go live with her father. Then he said the thing that pissed the hell out of me...that the only reason she's even here is because I am, that he doesn't care about her. I sooooooo wanted to tell him to fuck off and that if he didn't care if my daughter was here, then he couldn't care if I was either because she has my blood coursing thru her veins and we'd be fucking moving asap.Nice fucking grandparents. Not only have they never loved me, that couldn't give a rats ass about my daughter, their first grandchild. I'd expect nothing less from them given my childhood, but they do show so much love to my younger sister's girls. Don't mind babysitting or spending time with her kids. Yet the one and only time I ever asked them to babysit when my daughter was little you should have seen the look on my mother's face. It was as if I asked her to become my personal slave for life or something.I think the reason they have never accepted her is because they have never liked her father and probably the fact that I got pregnant before I was married. My own fucking mother was pregnant out of wedlock and also 7 months preggers when she married my father so it's extremely hypocritical for either of them to judge me on that, but I know they do. When I told them I was pregnant I did it by telling them they were going to be grandparents and instead of getting excited and/or congratulating me, they simple said "no we aren't". As if by saying it they could disown their own blood relative.My daughter has always been able to pick up on the fact that my parents didn't like her, even at a very young age. And once my sister had kids, and they became the favorite grandchildren, it became even more apparent to her. It's ok that you may not like her father, but despite that...she's MY child, your granddaughter, how the fuck could you hate her so much?I want to get the fuck out of here. I don't want to subject my daughter to this environment any longer. I just don't have any money to leave and I have no place else to go. I need to figure something out, we fucking need to be gone from here.

I can identify myself. I had to move back in with my parents. They have been alright with me, but it just isn't the same. I lost my apartment a few months ago for non-payment of rent (eviction). I have a low-paying job right now and tons of bills. And I pay rent here, so it's going to be an uphill battle to get back on my feet. Thank God I have no children. I feel for you. Best of luck! Hang in there!