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It's Lonely in Kiev

It's lonely in the city. Everyone all crammed in these little boxes that are somehow supposed to represent one of the lesser zeniths of modern civilization.

It's lonely beneath these grey, muddy skies as we shiver in the streets waiting for the goddamn bus to lurch up to the stop.

A grandma has her bags, heavy with food, medicine, and miscellania that mean little to us and everything to her. No one bothers to hold them for her as she struggles to sit down. I would if I were actually noble and contact wasn't so reviled.

We all wait in welcomed, imposed, and despised silence:

I say nothing to no one and no one says anything to me; all is as it should be. All is right in our modern civilization.

The bus gives a pained grunt as it moves to the next destination, causing me to lean back into the man behind me. He tolerates my breaking of the rules for the two seconds it takes me to straighten myself. Besides, when the bus screeches to a stop, I will tolerate his breaking of the rules when he leans into me.

Neither of us can help it, it's physics. Amoral and pedantic physics that cares nothing for our race.

The bus finally manages to drag itself near the library. Close enough.

I continue my way to the quiet palace of paper and start ascending the stairs. Up and up I go, getting slightly winded and feeling a soft burn on my buttcheeks and thighs. The student walking down doesn't so much as glance at me. Looking at me would break the rules.

Finally, I slink up to the roof and close my eyes as the cold once more presses its dull, biting blade to my skin. The birds yell at me but I pay them no heed.

I step over the frost-water puddle and stand towards the edge. The clouds are as constant as ever.

I hold my arms out and the wind immediately sighs to embrace me. Finally. A bit of company in this lonely world.

"Girl, what are you doing up there?" someone from down the street yells up at me.

I don't so much as spare a glance at him because I don't want to break the rules.

"Miss, you'll fall!" a lady worriedly tells me.

So now they decide to break the rules? Yeesh.

"Step away from the edge!" someone angrily commands.

I flip her off. Fuck you, I don't take kindly to being yelled at.

Someone burst through the door, causing me to jump and nearly lose my balance. A few people at the bottom cry out.

"What are you doing, girl?" the stranger gently asks. "Come back inside, maybe we can have tea and talk."

I don't bother to respond, instead eyeing the concrete below. Dirty snow, as hideous as the heavens above, lines the sidewalk. Why is everything so gross here?

"Come on, don't be like that," the stranger says. "Come back inside where it's warm and we can talk. I promise I'll listen."

A part me yearns for that actually. Apart of me wants to sit down and make a new friend, but then I remember reality. At the end of the day, friendships fade and people stop caring. The only reason why this person even acknowledged my existence was because of the mess I was going to leave. If I just sat there and studied, s/he would only see me as another piece of furniture in the library. Instead, I just stand there, paying back the kindness s/he would show me if I had just did my school work.

It's lonely in this world, where it's a rule to never help or touch or speak to someone. It's lonely back in my apartment, where only the spiders are there when I come home. It's lonely when friends eventually lose touch and families engross themselves in their own dilemmas.

If I cannot fulfill the basic need of having someone, may as well not bother.

Watchers

I'm taking a break from school. I simply have no more fucks to give. For fifteen long, mind-numbing years, I've sat at a desk, read the material, did homework, and took tests. What did I get out of it? An education of course! An education in which I do not utilize a good 90% of the knowledge I learned (and I am being extremely generous in that number).

I will not deny that school has helped in making me who I am today, and I greatly prefer an excessive education over an under-education [truly I pity s/he who prefers the latter over the former], but Jesus fucking Christ! Enough is enough!

No more essays, no more lectures, no more reading, no more assignments! I can't take it anymore! I always procrastinate on my homework because I just don't have the heart to do them any more. Every time I have to go to school, a sense of dread and disgust fills me; every time I need to do a reading, I avoid it if possible and just wing it in class; every time I have homework to do, I wait and wait and wait until I can no longer wait. My disposition towards university has grown so sour that I develop headaches from simply being going. Hell, I'm writing this on a computer at school just so I won't have to do my school work.

Ugh! Thank the Allspark that the end game is coming and I won't go to school for a nice long while.

Now that I work in tandem with attending university, I no longer have time for my true passions. I always have something or other to do and it's driving me bonkers! I want to write without any distractions, Goddammit! When I get off work, I want my work to stay at work, not follow me home.

Call me whiny, call me spoiled, but answer me this honestly: what kind of life is it where you constantly have dedicate your time to everyone and everything else but you? Be judgmental all that you want, but I'm going to spend the next few months following my passions and exploring myself.