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Message Tuesday: Greetings from Pennsyltucky

I know it’s not Monday, but it’s the first day back from a long weekend, which means we all desperately need a distraction while we ease back into the work week. After spending a glorious few days frolicking in DC with L, I know I certainly do. Hopefully this does the trick:

So… that happened.

I know this guy’s location says Philadelphia, but the message screamsPennsyltucky to me. For those of you who aren’t aware, the super rural middle section of PA is fondly referred to as “Pennsyltucky” by those of us who still have all of our teeth.

So when this dude messaged me, dropping all kinds of piss poor grammar while referencing Walmart, trailers, and giving birth on Greyhound buses, that’s the first thing that came to mind. If you watch Orange is the New Black (and if you don’t, seriously get on that) you may recall that there’s a…charming character who’s been given this very nickname:

Now obviously, it’s possible that this message was a (terribly misguided) joke and this guy was trying, in a really bizarre, elaborate, gross way, to be funny. The fact that we are a NINETY ONE PERCENT MATCH (wtf/fml) suggests that this might be the case. I clicked on his profile for additional evidence (spoiler alert: his username contains both the number 69 and the word ‘panties’). Here’s what I found:

Actually the first thing I noticed about you, Pennsyltucky, was the fact that you’re borderline illiterate, but that’s just me. The point is, if this is a joke, it’s really stupid and really unfunny. And I’m not sure what the endgame is. Am I supposed to be charmed by this creepy harassment? Also, am I supposed to know what a “rodeo buffet” is? I’m from New Jersey, Pennsyltucky, so the closest I’ve ever come to attending a rodeo is:

Also, can we talk about the use of “love”, “princess”, “sexy”, and lest we forget, “babycakes”? No, Pennsyltucky (and all men everywhere). A thousand times no. Forgetting how utterly insane the rest of the message is, I’m not sure why guys think it’s okay to drop overly familiar terms of endearment on women they don’t even know. Not only is it misogynistic and insulting, it’s also downright creepy (#yesallwomen).

Then again, I suppose it’s kind of pointless to fixate on being called “babycakes” by a complete stranger when he also described me “popping out a kidlet” in the same message. I’m over you, Pennsyltucky. And so is Regina George.