Stupid drivers forced to display white flags with red cross

Under new proposals to improve road safety during the summer season when traffic levels on Britain’s roads peak, the government has rolled out plans under which the stupidest drivers in England will have to identify themselves by displaying distinctive red and white flags on each side of the car. In extreme cases, more than two flags will need to be carried.

‘This is not discrimination, it is common sense,’ said new Transport Minister Norman Baker MP. ‘Some aggressive young men with brains the size of sweetcorn are a dangerous menace on our roads. With this requirement in place, at least other drivers and pedestrians will be able to see them coming.’

Emergency legislation has been brought in to require all those defined as boy racers, pillocks and half-wits to display the flags from today until the end of July. If successful, the safety scheme may be extended indefinitely.

Some commentators have questioned the governments’ legal definition of ‘stupid drivers’ which a leaked memo reveals as ‘all builders, scaffolding workers, road diggers and delivery men, and any other male who works with his hands or takes sugar in his tea.’

The devolved Scottish and Welsh governments said that they would not be introducing similar legislation, fearing that it may be counter-productive. When Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond was repeatedly asked if there were any plans to fly flags from vehicles in Scotland this summer, his response was to swear loudly at the English reporter and then attempt to punch him in the face.

In a separate development, the government’s clampdown on loutish behaviour has seen new laws targetted at young males wearing football shirts in public. The guidelines caused a delay to the kick off in the England friendly last night after twenty-two men were detained by police in the Wembley area.