This Is Our Obligatory-Yet-Disingenuous Commercial Saluting the Military

“If there’s one certainty in advertising, it’s the fact that surprise military family reunion spots leave nary a dry eye in the room.” — AdWeek

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Memorial Day Weekend is here, and for multi-billion-dollar brands like us, that means it’s time for our obligatory commercial “saluting” military service members. Other companies seem to be doing it, so yep, we’ll go ahead and jump on the bandwagon, too.

Will this ad be an aggressive sales pitch thinly veiled in faux-patriotism? You bet. Will it play into America’s fervent idolization of all things military? Very much so. That said, we are counting on most of you people being too oblivious to notice any of that. Hopefully, you’ll even be gullible enough to tweet out our hashtag:

#BigMobileStandsWithThoseWhoServe.

We open with a shot of a bunch of soldiers saluting their commanding officer in a briefing room. The resolve in their eyes perfectly encapsulates the stoicism with which armed forces members make their sacrifice.

Very similar to the sacrifice we make by offering such great rates on our wireless plans.

Next, we’re going to show you some footage of wounded veterans overcoming obstacles. Here’s an amputee on a treadmill, re-learning to walk. Here’s another amputee, playing wheelchair basketball in a hospital gym. Here’s a third amputee, who just completed a 10K with her teenage daughter. Lastly, here’s a burn victim, because we thought a fourth amputee would be gratuitous.

These veterans are representative of the courage and tenacity possessed by all our soldiers, each one an American hero. The same courage, in fact, it takes for us to offer 5-gigs of monthly data for half the price charged by other wireless carriers.

Clearly, we are super devoted to American values, especially bravery and sports.

But, if you think we are done commandeering the sacrifices of the military for our own monetary pursuits, you are sorely mistaken.

Because here is a bunch of iPhone footage of soldiers returning home, surprising their children and spouses. One of them even happened during the “Star Spangled Banner” at a sporting event. Wow. So emotional. It’s a shame this deeply wonderful, tear-jerking footage has nothing at all to do with our wireless plans.

Or does it? Because it was shot on a mobile phone. And only our service provides such great coverage and streaming, as well as a two-month free trial membership to Hulu with the purchase of any Apple or Samsung device.

So, yep, we just shamelessly connected those dots. What of it?

Finally, we here at Big Mobile think the commercial should end with some anthemic footage of the American flag, waving in the breeze, backlit by the sun. The music will crescendo, signaling that we totally put our love of country above our commitment to our shareholders, our bottom line, and our CEO’s year-end bonus.

And if all of the bullshit you just watched wasn’t ham-fisted enough, we’re going to end with a very contrived, military-speak tagline:

“Because we believe that when those who’ve answered their call of duty need to make a call, that’s when we stand ready to answer our call of duty – providing them the perfect wireless plan to make that call.”