Hi, members have been asking me how I'm doing with the radiation therapy for my nose and lip. I'm doing fine. But there are small problems. I think that the actual radiation lasts for about 10 seconds, but a person spends about 10 minutes in the thing-it's like a cat scan thing-roll in-roll out. I'm having trouble with 2 things, my hair and my sinuses. They aren't used to people having hair, so my long hair gets in the way- It's baby fine hair and to the middle of my back. I can't have a scrunchy or any pins, and it flies all over. It dawned on me when they said my hair is in the way-good hint--So I wet my hair before I go, comb it to one side, and braid it. When I go in I pull the braid out and put the scrunchy on the end. It keeps my hair together. The male techs say that I look like the female movie cowgirls of the 70s, see Billy Jack, and Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Now I have a real continuing problem. I've complained that my little nose (part of the nostril was surgically removed) doesn't drain properly, I'm having trouble with it draining into my ear, I can't blow it's too small to pick, and it gets hard plugs of snot build up and I can't even breathe through it. Wed. Jan. 2, 2013, the plug fell out into my throat, and the sinus on that side drained into my throat. I was in the zapper, the roaster. Because it was so unexpected, I panicked. The mask was too tight to breathe through my mouth. Then I remembered that it's a very short time, and I knew how to hold my breath. So, I pretended that I was swimming under water, and I relaxed. It dawned on me that they never told me what the danger signal is. I was about ready to lift a leg and wave my foot when they came in. I was gasping for air, and when I sat up, the crud slid into my stomach. Anyway, I saw the nurse and she recommended that I double my dose of anti-histamine. That didn't help very much, so now I'm taking 30 mg of antihistamine a day. I'm running out. I can't take OTC decongestant because I'm so allergic to sudafed, Tylenol, pseudoephedrine, aspirin, Motrin, cough syrup, etc. Anyway, I need a new prescription for 3 day-and that's what the pharmacy board didn't want me to take. Dr. Garg said that he'd write me a prescription. I'll take it some store that I don't do business with-so they don't know anything about Presbyterian, so the pharmacy board doesn't see it and play games. I'm self-pay on that too.

Here I pay for medicare part D, the government subsidizes my payment because I'm so low income, and they pay Presbyterians share, and the only med that Pres pays for is Zantac? I self-pay for everything else, my thyroid, my stomach medicine, my sinus meds.

Yesterday I finally smelled something, while having the treatment. They asked me what it smelled like. I finally said lightening-ozone-thinking about it more, it smells like lightening and uranium. Maybe sort of like a uranium mill's acid pit. I don't know- it certainly didn't smell like a Cattleman's cut of T-Bone or a chocolate cake. Dry mouth hit me yesterday. I brushed my teeth in the morning, then at noon-my saliva was thick. I can't wear pull-overs like T-Shirts, because I bumped my nose and it hurt. I'm maintaining my weight to the ounce. The doctor and nurse are very happy. I lost weight-4 lbs-but I'm staying exactly on that weight. Oh, there's slight hum, and with my eyes closed and covered with eye guards, there's a bunch of flashing white light.

What my big problem is the ONCOLOGIST--I want a different doctor. I've made 2 requests to my nurse navigator, and I want the transcript of the tumor board. If I don't hear from the Nurse navigator, my next step is visiting the chaplain or going to a lawyer and complain to the NIC, which governs tumor boards and accredidates Cancer Clinics, the national board of hospital accreditation, the the state boards. I feel this doctor is a threat to my health in many ways. I do not understand why i have to take an adult male with me to get an answer about anything. My personal physician ran the tests that should have been run in Onocology. I told him that Dr. Garg ran a BUN and a creatine, and he thought that the lead Oncologist had run other tests-so I got hold of my PCP, who ran the tests for anemia, etc. It might be good to know if a patient is anemic, etc, before suggesting any radical cancer treatment. The only thing the jerk asked me about is if I had hepatitis-and how my liver is. So please pray for me that I can get a new doctor-Because whomever I have, will be taking care of me for future problems-even palliative care--- whomever doesn't have to like me, but must tell me all of my options and answer my questions.

Responses (10)

I have a feeling this dr is a foreign dr. I hate that take care of the little woman attitude. Why are you having trouble with an antihistamine? And why are you paying out of pocket for your meds, that's what part D is for.

Exactly--- I told Dr. Garg that part of my decision to have radiology was my fear of having the Presbyterian cutting off medication in the middle of a treatment-and making it self pay. While I'm not a chronic pain patient-I have the DEA and FDA meddling in my life. They say what they want to medicare, and medicare removes it from their pharmacy formulary, which means that an insurance company or HMO doesn't have to cover it. The Pres. pharmacy board is trying to keep my doctor from writing scripts for Armour thyroid, as the FDA is making another effort to stop production of it again.

I've actually have had excellent medical care from non-Americans, and foriegn born Americans. I've had Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, Asian-Indians, South Korean, Cuban, Germans, Peruvian, Argentinean, English, Mexican, Italians, and French, take excellent care of me. This doctor's name is Smith-Kenneth Smith. 100% American-Nebraska -Illinois accent. American medical schools. Now, Dr. Garg is a foreigner, a Born and bred Texan. By the way, NM and TX is at war again over water.

First, if you have part B medicare, that is what pays for any cancer treatment, and no one, not a pharmacy board or anyone can change that. The rest of your meds are probably just not on the formulary for the specific part D you have. I would get it changed to one that will cover your meds when opened season comes again. As far as the pharmacy board trying to stop a dr from writing a prescription. It can't do that as long as the medication is currently legal. It sounds to me like this place is really trying to pull one over on an old lady. Its a good thing they don't have to tangle with me, lolol

I called up medicare and had them send me the complete pharmacy formulary. Medicare does not list some legal drugs. I looked through it myself. If one part of a system does things like that, why should you trust very much of rest. The other parts work fairly smooth. Look at the fluoride problem--I bet there are patients that think the damage is from the radiation-not from the wrong fluoride.

They can recommend but they can't control what a dr orders. I know you're on librax and hardly any insurance will cover that. Mine covers pretty much everything as long as its not extended release pain meds. I have part D and I don't pay alot for it. My generics are no cost to me at all.

Meyati, a quick question. Are you sure you need an adult male or just an adult? When treating cancer it is customary to bring someone to take notes and add to the discussion if something is forgotten. True with my disease as well. it sounds like they wouldn't see you if you brought a girlfriend? Odd.

Well, you work with the system and just run the hoops for the weird stuff. In the long run, you can't change it and frustration doesn't promote wellness. If you have a quirky doc but he is on top of your disease, who really cares? Treatment is the goal, right? Hang in there. We all have a few warts... Lol, Karen

Oh, they had fits when I brought in my 26 year-old grandson. I asked them if they were gender biased, when they loudly asked me if I was being abused at home. I was blessed with grandsons. I live in a basically male environment. I don't know a single female that I know well enough or I want to get involved. I did ask 2 females for help with this, one was my son's girlfriend, and they suggested that I call the ACS chapter. Well, ACS doesn't do that-they gave me a phone number that turned out to be the city bus service. You're wrong- I can change it, at least some of it. Dr. Garg said that I'm scaring them up stairs. I just got an Email from my nurse coordinator/advocate that she's talking to the head nurse. Dr. Smith didn't advise me of my options. He broke regulations by not having a radiologist on the tumor board. He didn't even run any blood work to see if I was already anemic or had other problems.

I don't know if that was because he's stupid or incompetent. I contacted my PCP through the electronic chart, and told him that nobody ran any lab work on me. My PCP ran a complete panel on me. That's not his job, oncology is supposed to do that. I'd rather take a bright male than a dimwit or somebody that doesn't want to be involved. I get along well at radiation with everybody, the slightest wish that I have, they take care of. They answer all questions.

Meyati. Have you used the saline spray called Ocean? It can help remove and soften the nose gunk and will open the nasal passage after a few applications. It can be used as frequently as needed. I find it very helpful when I use a lot of oxygen which causes congestion and sinuses plugged. I find Mucinex best for congestion. Just wanted to pass that on. Karen

You are trying so hard to help me. I really appreciate it. I'm not supposed to have anything on the area. I have a burn cream for radiation. My appointment is at 2:20 pm. I put the burn cream on when I get home, again about 5-6 pm and at bed time. I get up, wash my face with regular soap, and I need to thoroughly clean my hands before I wash my face. Then I wash my hands a few hours before I go, and rinse my face off with water. Then just before I leave, I floss and brush my teeth, rinsing well, and rinse my face off with warm water. I cannot eat anything greasy, like fried chicken, because the grease would interfere in the treatment.The area with grease on it would block the radiation, while the other areas would be treated. I cannot put any face creams, or beauty soaps-like Avon nor anything else else on my face because some ingredients would accelerate the radiation or block it.

I normally use a saline solution, and I began thinking that minute salt crystals could act as a magnifier in the area and create worse and irregular burns, along with other problems. I asked Dr. Garg, and he said that was something that he had on the list to warn me about. People with body radiation are told to shower or bathe every other day, no bubble bath, no shower body washes, no lotions or creams-they can eat fried chicken, if it doesn't make them sick. Most nasal saline solutions have a touch of glycerin oil-glycol-even a touch of alcohol, and I've been warned about those ingredients, as the oils stay on the surface. After I finish radiation, I can use some creams on the areas that aren't affected. After I heal up, I can back to my Olay Regenerist and a nice face mask to clean my pores out. I can start taking care of my sinuses. Meanwhile, I need to take my meds and keep my nose clean. It's so horrible to smell coffee and noy drink any- because of this type, I probably won't drink it again. I'm just trying to get through this and be in the care of a capable oncologist.

Keep going. It is all any of us can do when faced with so much. That is why I agreed to the alprazolam as I no longer get revved up over things I can't solve. When people warned me about it, they forgot I have a terminal disease. I do work on the big picture. Yell if you must, but get some time to relax. A funny movie will help your healing now as much as a walk with your beloved dogs. I plan on sticking round as long as I can. How about you?

Well, I seem to find the cracks in every system and land in them. I had to fight for it, but my main concern was trying to find out if I should try something or just go into palliative care. Part of my problem was that Smith told me that I wouldn't get any pain killer, whatever, unless I had care--- I'm sort of seeing what's going on. I really don't want to go to a man that lies. These people are paid to do a job. They are supposed to be trained to do their job. The cancer clinic gets medicare payments and federal grants-it's my money.

Now my concern is to have a decent doctor. I was at Home Depot and met a man that has the same thing that I do. He did the surgery, and was promised about ten years. He had 5-6, then he had over a year of more surgery with chemo and that didn't help. Then radiation that gave him some relief for several years. Now he's on erevidge. He's been on it for 5 weeks now. His surgery was on the ear and back of the head. They took out his ear and bone around it. He can't imagine having half of a face and eye removed. Talking to him, I feel that I made the right choice.

AN

Anonymous10 Jan 2013

Meyati, was going to suggest you ask your doctor about putting a dab of vasoline on a Q-tip & put up as high as you can in that nostril (or both, but a different one of course). It's an old retired, now dead allergist who taught me this tip for sinus infection & works better than any antibiotic or allergy med. I do it every night before bed. If I forget, wake up all crusty & phelmy too. BUT! If you have to use this burn cram & it's not petroleum based in anyway, he probably wouldn't let you do that. It just take a wee dab, & once up in the nostril, you just twirl it around & pat it in. needs to be done right befoe bed as it coats the sinus overnight. You might ask that doctor about it?? I'm so sorry to hear of your onging battle & plight with all the complications too. Been so busy, havent been online much at all. So, so sorry... Mary

Thanks Mary-obviously I can't do that during radiation. It sounds like what I need after it's over, but I think that I'll do that with the radiation cream. I'll be getting worse after the radiation is over. I'll still be cooking. I need to see if I can find a tube of vaseline, as my immune system will be down. That's why I'm supposed to wash my hands before I touch my lip or nose. They say it's possible that my skin will crack open-we're all hoping that won't happen. That's why I need to look for a tube-because it's more sterile.

AN

Anonymous10 Jan 2013

It does come in a tube! At CVS, Walgreens or about anywhere. That's what I use, & no one else is allowed to use it either... Mary

I understand. It just that this state is the hind tit of medical treatment and supplies. For awhile they didn't even carry Vaseline-not in tube or jar. Do you know why--- Some perverts grabbed a coed at her front door, while she was getting in with groceries. They raped her to death-like that Woman in India. Part of the big evidence was that they bought huge jars of Vaseline. Nobody would buy Vaseline, because we thought of that poor girl. If you did a search for Johnny Zinn-rape-New Mexico, you should find it. Finally mothers needed it for bad cases of diaper rash, but New Mexico is still a poor market for Vaseline. So we never know what store has it or in what form. They sell alternative types of stuff. Anyway, it will block radiation which lasts until 2/9/2013 or around that time. My nose will continue to get more sore, tender, and I don't think that I'll want anything but my burn cream near the outside.

Yesterday was the first day that I could feel the area cooking-burning. They tell me not to go out in the cold, if it were summer, they'd tell me not to go out in the sun. But if I bake something and open the oven door it hurts pretty bad. It hurts from the cold when I go out to the car. The antihistamine is helping a lot. Dr. Garg got hold of the pharmacy board that I'm a cancer patient-and I need the antihistamine and anything else that I'm supposed to get. It's too early for a refill. and I called in a refill-and the pharmacy is letting me get it. And my regular doctor has been raising hell. I actually get letters that they're investigating the poor man because of my meds. And I got one that it was illegal for him to write a script for Armour--Mary this place is nuts.

This reminds us how much you're going through, plus how brave and strong you are. I know you advocate for yourself, but some of this stuff is so ridiculous isn't it? A good example of why I like my dogs more than I like some people... heh heh... agreed? I'm praying that your medical team and ancillary services will get on the same page, hopefully a team headed by a brilliant, new, caring oncologist. My thoughts are with you. I admire that you're made of such strong stuff! Your friend, 4N Substances

What's ridiculous about the doctor in charge not getting standard blood work before radiation? What's ridiculous in being told that your eye, nose and bone will be removed on one side of your face? That is not like preferring one breed of dog over another. What is ridiculous about any patient -even with the flu-not being given all of the options? This is an incurable aggressive cancer. Because I didn't have any one with me on the first visit, I can't be sure, but I think that I was told that if, I didn't have treatment-that I was on my own for any type of medical care. I kept calling, and asking what I should expect, would I be undressed, etc. so, I didn't take my grandson with me. The chaplain was the one that told me that I could be listed as palliative, and get a certain amount of care-not dr. Smith.

Why shouldn't I be appalled that this doctor apparently broke NIC regulations by not having a radiologist on the tumor board, and it's been a standard regulation since the 1930s? Would you want your dog to be operated on without proper and reasonable medical standards being used? All of my future cancer care is going to be based on the tumor board's recommendation and prognosis. Why can't I be happy that I'm keeping my hair? If any cells go to my lungs, I'll have about 8 months and suffocate to death. At least, I won't be like many people that have to drag oxygen tanks around for years. I've heard a few say that they wished they had cancer, so the y could die. It's not fun dealing with a life like that. at least, I'll go quickly. Tell me again-that choosing a cancer treatment for an aggressive cancer is like choosing a dog breed. And it's a lot harder, when the doctor won't tell you the options, and won't answer your questions. How would you live with half of a face for a year? They used gold noses for people that got their noses cut off back in the 1500s. In 1556 Tycho Brahe got his nose cut off during a sword fight about which one was the best mathematician. Tycho is one of my heroes. If a drunken doctor can care for that without any antibiotics, etc. Modern medicine can do a lot more, but I still don't know what I would do with my body for a year--- can you tell me how I'd live with so much gone?

Dear Meyati, Ii's beyond ridiculous, it's horrifying. Negligent-maybe criminally negligent. I hope you CAN get an attorney and your previous physician and GP will support you. We will be here, pulling and praying for you. I also think it's amazing that you make the committment to answer the questions of others, and try to help steer folks through the landlines in American medical treatment. Despite your pain and hardship, you've helped so many people who appreciate your wisdom. You still almost always throw in something in that makes me smile even with the most serious of topics. You haven't lost lost your sense of humor. Hopefully with all of us that's the last to go. Keep fighting the good fight my friend.

By the way, Tycho was the better mathematician because-the other one was dead..Also Tycho Brahe died from drinking too much beer in a royal court. He began drinking early for a feast. King Peter of Slovakia came in before he could pee. He had to stay sitting, while King Peter was sitting and had to keep drinking beer for toasts. His bladder actually burst from all of the beer. Poor man , it took 3 days to die from the sepsis.

Hi there, my dear sweet friend. I am so sorry you had to go through this Horrendous experience. You have blessed us with your witness. I had no idea anyone could go through what you did and still be Alive. Recently I've been thinking of what I'd do if I shaved my head bald. I decided that I would for a cause or just because I want to try it. Yeah, I'd shave my head. There"s an alternatives school for young adults who have committed crimes. When they arrive at the facility, both sex's are greeted by military officers. The first thing they do is shave their head. They found that it didn't matter about hair, makeup, clothes, all of those things we think are necessary in life to make us appear beautiful, or handsome,they found that those things were unnecessary Why should women be exclusive in shaving our heads? People are coloring their hear purple and red. I say you consider the benefits doing it.

Your Drs. and the negligent nurses and aids, in my opinion, Need their license to practice in any kind of the medical field get their license revoked. Sounds like you've made that decision to change physicians. Good. That's good news. Search for another GP and all your other Drs. before you give up on the ones you have now. In some areas it's difficult to find a new Dr.. Researching information is so cool, isn't it? Sounds like you've done your homework. I'm so glad your able to talk to us. I learn so much from you. You have faith and you really show it. I have faith, too. Your going to fight this devil. That's what I Love about you. You give us information, and hope for a future, and hope is faith. We need you. Take your time getting well again. You'll need it.,probably. If were lucky, you'll be back here again keeping us updated on your experience all the way.God bless you. I have prayed for you.A dozen roses,Anna

I'm just PO that the ACS has so much misinformation-cut my hair off, when their isn't any medical reason to. The chapter will help you with an escort to help you take notes, etc., but that wasn't true either. I was given a phone number and it was the city bus company. I didn't need a bus-still don't. Like I say, I wet my hair, and braid it. It won't fit in the mask that way, so I quickly pull my hair out, and there aren't any lumps of hair, but my hair stays together at my side. That way they can see the head rest and everything. Everybody is a different size-so we lay on the table in different places. I'm small so my shoulders have to touch the head rest. Then I have to tilt my head a certain way, so the radiation enters my little nose.

I do like my primary care doctor. He's the one that ran the blood tests. Oncology was supposed to do that, but they didn't -so he did. Dr. Garg isn't supposed to do things like that. This is to keep different people from tripping over each other. If a certain doctor is supposed to order tests, then others, like my PCP knows that it's done-and you don't have a dozen different doctors ordering the same tests. Smith held back some surgical records from Garg-I'd say that there is some fussing-and I and other patients are caught in the middle.Smith is new-and it's a promotion for him. He's not playing well with the surgeon, the radiologist, me, or my PCP. I know that in the military many new people-like admirals and generals throw their weight around. We had one school district supervizor that had a $10,000 fish aquarium installed in his office, $6,000 carpet, and this was in the early 70s. After that the school board had in the contract that only $2,000 could be used to remodel the superintendents office. The base's main gate is over a half of a mile long. One decided the APs had to tear out every other car, looking for bombs, etc. I asked what was going on-New CO. Another spent thousands of tax money making it look like an Italian estate. Another dug up prairie dogs and took them to the gate and made it look like a ranch. Enough people complained, including some new COs that didn't want to waste the money. Any way- egos can affect some people, and they affect those around them.For some reason, they don't list doctors. have a way to complain-except for the cancer radiology clinic. I guess the radiation clinic doesn't have anything to hide.

Dear Meyati, although I haven't written you often, I've been following your situation for some time now. I can't begin to know how you feel or what your daily life must be like. This is what I can tell you about about my feelings regarding your situation. I've been so amazed by your strength and courage during, what must be, the most difficult times in your life. What I'm trying to say is that you are such a strong person and an example to all of us that strength and courage comes from within. You bravely fight to get the care that you need. You could sit back and cry," Woe is me." But NO!, you are the true champion! You see something that will make things right, and you go after it with everything you have! When I am feeling low, I go back and read your posts and suddenly my problems don't seem as bad. I draw strength from your courage. You are truly a shining example of strength and courage! I wish you the best in plotting your life's course! Take care, Meyati.Seeking peace,Tee

Hi meyati, I shall pray for a new oncologist for you. You deserve the BEST there is in the southwest! Have you reported this knucklehead to anyone, or are you afraid that you'll be treated worse if you report him? As always, your friend,Lara

I can't just go to the governor and cry-wish to god that I could. But to get this cleaned up, I have to take steps to show that I'm reasonable and logical. First, I couldn't get my incompetent Nurse navigator/advisor/talk to doctors for me to do crap. I went to the chaplain and laid it out. Then I emailed the nurse-and asked her what she actually did, but she didn't do anything. Anyway-2 days ago I told her that I didn't want Dr. Smith and since she was my advocate, and talked to others for me, it was time that she did so. They changed the web site, so they don't list anybody. Dr. Garg is the only one that's willing to say he's responsible for anything. So, now that will be part of my complaint. On Dr. Garg's building, he lists people to call for complaints, lists the radiology board, etc. I'm getting ready to go to a lawyer and the several state boards.

I've stayed in contact with one of my old doctors, and he's done research for me. Like I knew about the tumor board-how long- but not what agencies to report to and a way to print out the regs. He did that, and let me know that the whole hospital can go under state, federal, and AMA investigation through the transcript of the tumor board, and by law, they are supposed to provide it to me.

Meyati, From all your various postings, it sounds like you know more about all the medical/regulatory systems than anyone. That info will greatly help you to lodge your legitimate complaints. You're very skilled and bright. I really hope that you will be successful. You never know how the "judges" will decide, but if anyone has a chance of getting things changed, it will be you. Good luck. Sara

Thank you. My problem is the set up doesn't list who to go to for these problems. All the other clinics, have a person to go to, but not this one. They keep referring me to the Nurse navigator. I sent her an Email before New Year's Day, and I waited because of the holidays, and sent her one this Monday. So I'm getting proof that the system doesn't work for me.

I've been asking, and asking. Once I got the chaplain, but she told me to work it out with my nurse adviser. Also, that was before my second visit-before I knew about the tumor board, and that he still wouldn't answer questions, and before the tumor board met.Yesterday I called, and told them I'd keep calling until I got the name and position of someone in authority-and no, I didn't want to talk to a nurse. The third call I was put through to the clinic manager. I have her name. Monday, I'll pick up a business card. When I call her number, the voice mail had her name and clinic manager. So we'll see how that goes.

Dear meyati, Honey Bun, you know I'll be praying for you.It is so very hard to know when a friend is going through this. An immediate family member asked me a couple of days ago, how I could care so much for people I have never met, online? I said... You just wouldn't understand. lol. It doesn't take long to form friendship's , and especially when you have things in common, like illness, pain, etc.. Sometimes people on this site care more than the people you see in person do. Its true. They're are your fakes, but I feel for the most part people are pretty genuine. So I'm sure you're like me girl, and are so thankful to be able to write in, and ask questions and such. And reading the responses and feeling the love from people is the best part of it to me. Oh what a load you are carrying, and I can't imagine it, honestly. You ARE a very strong person, and it takes that to overcome things sometimes.

Never forget the love, friendship, support, and encouragement you found here, and all the wonerderful people, that gladly take time to be there. So keep posting as much as you need to girl. You know I'm not too far away, and will talk to you soon. Love, Ruthie

Our families care a lot, but they get hurt listening to us. Sometimes the only way they can handle it is to walk off or tune out in some way. It's not that they don't care, but they see us hurting, limping, vomiting, talk to angry doctors with us, stuck on the couch or bed, moaning in our sleep, sweating, our nerves for up-coming treatments-which can be physical therapy, series of injections, chemo, radiation, surgery. We can't talk freely to those we love, because they feel helpless, angry, and wish they could do something for us. Here we can try to help others with advice. It helps me to see other people's problems and pray for them. It keeps me from feeling so alone. Like I didn't say it before, but my son has a nice girl friend, always told me that if I needed something, to depend on her. I wanted her to have the authority to pull the plug, especially with that recommended surgery. She didn't even need to be in the state.

I just didn't want my family to deal with that. Well, I can't lean on her-that really hurt me a lot, but it's not the end of the world either. She also recommend ACS for somebody to go with me, as she doesn't know enough about cancer to do that.

AN

Anonymous10 Jan 2013

meyati, I agree with you %100. I remember about a year ago, I got my feeler's hurt there for a little while, because my hubby would come home from work, and sometimes I would start to talk to him about one of my physical problems or something, and it was almost like he was ignoring me. We got into it a couple of times because I would tell him he wasn't listening , and he would tell me he didn't want to talk about it so much. I would go off pouting, thinking... we never talk about it. One day, right at the time that happened, we went to the doctor. I wasn't feeling well that morning. When I got in the car I buckled my seatbelt, and was puttiing my purse in the floorboard, not really paying attention. Just getting ready to leave as usual. I looked over at him an he had big tears rolling down his face. Now you would have to know my husband to really picture the scene. He's real buff, like a quarterback. Has a job where he's the boss of the whole company.

I'de been married to him for nine yrs then, and the only other time I saw him cry was when his mother died, while we were dating, and when our five yr. old was borne. I was like..What is wrong... What happened. He didn't talk for a minute and when he started to his voice was choked up. He told me how much he loved me, he told me how sorry he was for everything (as it were his fault), and how much he hated seeing me live with the problems I had every day of my life, and there was nothing he could do about it. He said..Honey, if I could do something I promise I would. It was at that moment that I got it. After comforting him, and telling him it wasn't his fault, ans he was a wonderful husband, I thought to myself, What was he thinking to make him cry. What was running through his mind. It was clear out of the blue. I wasn't expecting that at all. It was exactly what you said. Exactly. It wasn't that he didn't care. It was that he loved me so much he couldn't handle talking about it. Well, I have a little one needing something desperately. lol. You know it has to be life threatening. lol. You know he means the world to me girl. People love us more than we realize sometimes. I thank God everyday that man loves me that much. Because other than my two older boys, and the little guy, he's all I have..family wise. :) Love, Ruthie