Sunday, July 24, 2011

Attention People of Chicago

It's July, which means I'm halfway through my first Chicago summer. Everyone I talk to in or from Chicago raves about how great the summers are. I must say that the people in or from Chicago have a very strange definition of great.

I will say that the city itself is amazing in the summer. You've got the great parks by the water, summer concerts, multiple block parties every weekend, and a beach where you'll find some impressive people watching. There is always something to do in the summer if you leave your apartment.

But let's talk about the white elephant in the room: the weather. Chicago's weather is mentally ill. When it's happy, it's really friggin happy. Most of the last two weeks were spent with heat indices topping the 100 degree mark. But when it's sad, it's suicidal. The last two days, we've had some of the worst flash floods on record. One day it's 90 degrees and not a cloud in the sky. The next day, or maybe even hour, it looks like the four horseman of the apocalypse have come for rapture. It's a mental patient that they're trying to cure with LSD and cocaine.

Here's what no one here seems to understand. There are places with amazing parks, shopping, swimming, block parties, you name it, and the weather is bearable all 12 months of the year. Yes, that's right, no need to get beat in the face repeatedly for eight months waiting for the psychopath to let you in. I don't really understand why people think they need to bear the winters here, because even the summer weather is some of the craziest I've ever seen.

So here's my description of Chicago weather. The winters are cold, snowy, and there's no decent skiing within a days drive. There will be times when you cannot leave your house for days, so keep some frozen pizzas in the freezer. The summers are sweltering, and once a week you will stare into the gates of hell when you look out your window, if only for an hour.