Tuesday, July 24, 2007

If you’re ever attacking the Death Star, and you have to decide whether to use your targeting computer, or turn it off and use the Force, let me offer this suggestion: Use both of them, 'cause, let’s face it, you’re no Luke Skywalker.

Monday, July 23, 2007

I once knew a girl who would complain all the time about how her boyfriend would never satisfy her orally. She was really bothered by it. I offered my condolences, and finally, I offered to help her out in this area, for a nominal fee. I never saw her again after that. I guess there’s no pleasing some people.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside, whether you’re white, or black, or sasquatch even, as long as you follow your dream, no matter how crazy or against the law it is. Except for sasquatch. If you’re sasquatch, the rules are different. - Meatwad

So says Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the welterweight Iranian President and Bronson Pinchot look-a-like who just can’t seem to leave the Jews alone. "We hope that the hot weather of this summer will coincide with similar victories for the region's peoples, and with consequent defeat for the region's enemies," Ahmadinejad added, in an apparent reference to Israel.So is this a hint of things to come, or just another pathetic attempt at threatening us? I don’t know. Here’s another question I don’t know the answer to: why is this little prick still sucking down air? If ever there was a poster boy for repealing the prohibition on assassinating foreign leaders, this guy is it.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

I always thought so, and apparently, Mrs. Edwards agrees. At least now we can tell what constituencies each of the Dem candidates is trying to court. Obama is obviously going after the minorities, Hillary’s after the women, Edwards is after the flaming homosexuals, and Kucinich is, apparently, after the space aliens who accidentally crashed at Roswell in 1947 and haven’t figured out how to get home yet.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

HOUSTON — A 71-year-old man was taken to a Houston hospital by ambulance yesterday after a pickup truck he was working on ran over his head, fire officials said.

At about 11:30 a.m., the Houston Fire Department received a report of a motor vehicle accident. But it turned out that Congressman L. Ron Paul, Representative of Houston’s 14th District, was working beneath a three-quarter ton pickup truck trying to fix it when the vehicle suddenly rolled. A wheel went over his head and shoulder, Houston Fire Lt. Ed Smith said. "But he's in great shape," Smith said.

When the rescue squad arrived to the Millway address, they found the man smoking a cigarette with his staff. He had a tire track across his head, significant "road rash" and a missing patch of hair to prove he had been under the wheel.

Tests done at St Joseph Medical Center revealed no internal injuries. He did require some plastic surgery on his ear, Smith said.

"It was really unbelievable," he said. "He’s lucky that truck rolled over his head. It could have hit a vital area of his body instead, and then he would’ve been a goner. Someone was looking out for him."