My idiot husband

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newmama0417 wrote:

Every time we get in an argument, my husband seems to say the stupidest things that come to mind. His favorites are "leave the house" and "I'll just find a new wife". Well he pulled out those two gems tonight in front of our 4 month old. It's one thing to say those things to me because I know he's just being a dumbass and doesn't really mean it. However, the fact that he said them in front of our son really pisses me off. I told him not to do that and we're going back to couples therapy but I don't know what else to say to get it through his head that it's NOT ok. Any ideas? Also, how sad is it that I'm used to hearing that I need to leave my house or that I'm getting replaced by someone new? I know he could be a lot worse but it's still totally inappropriate and out of line.

I'm terribly sorry you and your son our going through this with being pregnant, stress never good for pregnant mothers and it's especially not good for your son to hear these things being said to his mother . I would have a serious talk with your husband without your son there if someone could watch him because it seems to me he's either on another page in his life or he has something on his mind . I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want your son to turn out that way towards women or a wife if he ever gets married he needs a good father and husband to know how to treat a woman . I hope for the best for you and good luck

Although your son is only 4 months and has no clue what is being said, I agree it's unacceptable and best to nip it in the bud now. You mention going to couples counseling 'again'. When you went before, did this issue come up. How did the counselor address it? I'm not sure if you're married of not, but I know in marriage playing the divorce card is not allowed. You guys must reach an agreement that 'threats to leave' are not allowed. I would suggest a good discussion with him about 'fighting fair' is in order. Couples counseling again may be a good idea, but only if you're both committed to apply what is learned. Praying for understanding and respect from your partner. God hears and will guide you through it.

Thank you for your response! I totally agree- I don't want him to think it's ok to talk to women like that. Luckily I'm not pregnant but it was really bad when I was pregnant. Once he tried to kick me out, I must have been 7 months pregnant. To teach him a lesson, i said "ok, I'll leave", I packed a bag and prepared to walk out the door. He cried and apologized, saying he wouldn't try to make me leave again, but 6 months later here we are with him doing it again. He also made fun of me for crying once and that hurt so bad. So I don't really know how to react when he threatens me and talks to me like garbage. I have tried to talk to him many times but it's like his brain shuts off when he gets upset. He was even screaming at the top of his lungs while the baby was sleeping in the next room. He needs individual therapy badly, in my opinion.

Thank you also for your response. Sometimes I feel like a *** posting in this board because I know women are going through much tougher stuff like physical abuse and name calling, but I know in my heart the way he treats me during arguments is abusive. Couples therapy was great and helped us a lot. The therapist explained deep breathing to my husband and encouraged him to do it when he gets upset. Unfortunately she was really expensive and far away though, so we had to stop going. Now my husband isn't doing his deep breathing and he's back to treating me like ***. I wish he could fight fair! I've talked to him a million times about it. I would NEVER say the things to him that he says to me. He even brought up my mental illness and said that he'll get full custody because of my "past". He's profoundly physically disabled but I would never ever tell him I'd take his baby away from him because of him inability to care for him. I'm looking for a new couples therapist now. I can't have my baby learning how to treat women from the way he sees his daddy doing it.

You know, it's funny, but many of us who were also battered would tell you that the hitting and pinching and whatnot were actually preferable to the emotional and psychological abuse we suffered. With a hair pull, it might hurt but I would get over it in days or hours. With the nasty things he said and did, it's been months, and they still echo in my head and sometimes change how I behave. Do not think that you are any less abused, or that you are blowing things out of proportion. You are completely correct that he is being abusive; bravo to you for putting the label on it. You speak the truth.

I really appreciate that. Sometimes I feel weird posting on this board because I read about all the physical abuse and name calling and wonder if I'm just being overly sensitive. The things he says do echo in my head over and over though, and I have ptsd which makes it that much worse. I recognize the pattern of abuse though and can't deny it. The mean things he says and then the apologizing are huge red flags.

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