I never understood why my feelings never listened to me. I keep demanding it to stop feeling and it doesn’t obey. I don’t understand. It is my body, isn’t it? My heart is feeling this and my mind has thoughts that go along with it. My heart and mind are mine, it’s my body. Therefore my feelings shouldn’t be out of control. But it is, and here I am sitting in bed trying to overcome it. Hatred towards myself, sadness and anxiety hit me all at the same time. When I vowed myself in that cab about giving up on my curiosity of the forgotten past, I did not know that I would end up like this. I kept questioning myself all morning. Why do I feel like this? The only answer I got was this whole thing meant a lot to me, to know what I was in the past and to move on focusing on to never steering close to who I was again. Now that I know that I wouldn’t notice if I’m even close to being who I was, I just felt lost.
It’s so hard to understand, I know, you have to move on and not let the past repeat itself. But what if I let it repeat itself, when I’ve forgotten all of it?

I ran my fingers through my hair, I hated thinking this much. I should also vow to never think about the past and question it. I shook my head at myself and got out of bed. It was half past three and all I have been doing is brooding and that’s not cool for a girl my age.
After lunch, I decided to clean my apartment a bit and then see what movies I can watch for the evening.
“’Suddenly 30’, ‘Juno’, ‘Twilight’, ‘Transformers’…” I murmured the names of the movies I looked through the shelf. It was quite hard to choose one because I didn’t know most of it. I’m sure I watched all kinds of movies before and I guess I have forgotten them from my amnesia. I guess I would be cooped up in my apartment for several weeks trying to watch all the movies to keep up to date with the world. I sighed, this was going to be a long night. I pushed the DVDs off my lap and got up to make some popcorn when my cell phone rang. I checked the caller ID to see that it’s unknown. I shrugged, “Hello?”
“Josephine, hi. It’s Gerard, how are you feeling?”
My eyes widened, why in the world was he calling me? “Hey, I’m fine. You?”
“Yeah, great. What are you doing at this moment?”
I pressed my lips together, “Why do you ask?”
“Just tell me!” he chuckled.
I narrowed my eyes, why was he being so… civil with me? “Uhhm, well I was making some popcorn to have a movie night with myself…”
“Could I join you?”
I opened my mouth to say ‘no you can’t’ in a nice way, but I just couldn’t find the perfect words for it. “Yeah sure, bring heaps of junk food.”
“Great! I’ll see you soon.”
With that he hung up and I was left staring at my phone in disbelief. What the hell went up Gerard’s ass? Was he trying to be friends with me again? Maybe he thinks I’ve changed or something… “Maybe I should stop wondering!” I told myself. I got into the kitchen to make popcorn before he arrived. While doing this I realized one little problem. He doesn’t know where I live. I stared at the packaging for a moment before shrugging my shoulders.

Soon after Gerard has arrived, he gave me a hug and was so laidback. I showed him to the living room where he sat down. I showed him the movies that were on the shelf and let him make the decision.
“No, it’s your movie night. You should pick.” He told me.
“Well I wouldn’t know what to pick, I have watch them.” He gave me a blank face. “I have amnesia remember?” I felt stupid for saying that because I knew it would spark up some serious talking. I looked down before he can respond. “Twilight seems like an alright movie, we’ll watch this.”
“You know Josie, before this amnesia thing started you were the biggest bitch and well now you’re completely different.” Gerard started.
“Gerard, it’s cool. I don’t want to talk about it.” I really didn’t, I did vow to not be curious about my past and I was sticking with it.
“Just listen.”
I stopped what I was doing and looked up to him.
“You’re nothing close to the person you were, so don’t worry about repeating the past because I’m pretty certain that it won’t.”
“I’m not ever going to know if I am or not because I don’t know anything about it, so this whole speech isn’t going to help.” I didn’t mean to be mean to him but it was the truth. It’s not goiong to help, hell, I might wake up tomorrow and become my old self again and wouldn’t even notice.
He sighed, “I know you really want to know about the last 10 years but I just don’t want to tell you in case I don’t know, it all hits you and you become you’re old self. Today and yesterday made me realise that you’re actually a good person that I’d like to call my friend.”
I stared at him then glanced at the DVD player, “Well I guess I’m relieved that you like me because I wouldn’t want to have any haters.”
He smiled.
I smiled back and inserted the DVD in.
“Did you know that a lot of my fans voted for me to play the role of Edward Cullen?” he looked amused.
“Edward Cullen is who exactly?” I asked.
He laughed, “Oh dear, you really need to catch up to the society today.”
I playfully punched him on the arm, “Don’t remind me.”

Before the movie finished I knew who Edward Cullen was and had to agree with Gerard’s fans that he would have been a better actor than this Robert guy, but then again it was my opinion. While we were watching the movie I wondered if this was how it was like before I lost my memory, maybe even before I became a bitch. I smiled to myself, I couldn’t imagine why I would want to be a bitch to Gerard anyway, he seemed really nice.

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