Tuesday, 20 March 2012

i am trying to understand what's going on in my mind right now, i have heard about therapeautic writing and have practiced personally and have seen results from it in the past, that is why i take to pen again to bleed out my woes and make myself realize where i have gone wrong or where other's have wronged me so that i can address the issues in my past.

sometimes i stare at the blank screen and wonder why words dont come on it, this usually happens to me when i am working on a project, if i ask mysef why that happens perhaps my answer that would be the truest to heart would be because i really am a very lazy person sometimes and when i look at the immense workload that has been put upon my shoulders it becoms hard for me to place myself in a situation where creativity can blossom.

on the other hand right now i find myself overflowing with ideas and words, to express myself and the things i am feeling inside right at this moment, i think that is because i am putting in the effort to break down the barriers created around my mind, i hope again and again that this will be a journey of self realization and understanding,

because i do not know any other method to realize a cure for the current condition that i am in.

speaking of cures people usually say i should pray more, i have been forced and insulted even to pray regularly, and i do feel better always after i pray but i dont know why i cant even force myself to be punctual in that.

i try so hard and fail miserably.

__________________________

it is now another day, and the sun is bright and shining.. i breathe in the life that is around me and reflect in the joy and wonder of it all..

times change and thankfully so does my mood, i read now what i wrote before and it makes me realize that life is more a state of mind than a state of being, you dont relly need to be happy, if you feel happy everything around you will make you feel happier, the true expression of ourlook can been seen through the inner eyes of the soul. what we feel within is usually what we feel on the outside.

i usually give an example on jaded perception, i tell my friends if you look at a glass of water wearing red glasses you are automatically going to assume that the glass contains grape juice, if you look at it wearing brown glasses, you are going to assume that it contains brandy,perception or emotions color the focus of your thought and make you assume things that could be altogether different.

if you were to critically look how we percieve the reality around us you would realize one thing, there are internal influencors and then there are external influencors that shape our state of mind.

for example i am listening to a sad song, it is going to emotionally react with my state of mind and through an alchemical reaction provoke a response from my subconcious provoking nostalgia and old memories, my reflection would then shift my perception if you will making me blind to everything else other than my emotion of the present state which would be sadness, if i do not interact with a significal external influencor that could shift my focus back to my original state of mind which i will call a neutral state of being, i will remain to feel negative and sad and everything that i see from that moment onwards would feel to me a reflection of the sadness that i feel, even the drip of a faucet, or the sound of rain, or anything else, would only serve to deepen those feelings of sadness.

one very crucial thing to mention here is that the intensity of emotions, or the resulting state of mind is not the same for all persons, the steps of cohesion of these feelings may be same but the intensity or duration varies from person to person.

myself i believe i have a serverely bipolar nature, perhaps this is the same reason that i have bouts of creativity and extended bouts of manic depression. i burn my candle on both ends so to speak, i live in the moment and then i despise life itself in equal measure.

i can truly comprehend the shift in the dynamics of a personality. and the consequences of actions and reactions of both internal and external influences on the individual state of mind.

most people find bipolar disorder to be their curse i consider it my muse.

if you have stayed with me to the end of this rambling narrative i thank you from the bottom of my heart that you found my words to be important enough, i hope i was able to shine some light inside you, and make you see yourself in a different light. it was all i intended to do.