The week began, as so many do, with President Donald Trump using Twitter to voice his disdain for Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 election and possible collusion between Russia and Trump’s campaign: “A total WITCH HUNT with massive conflicts of interest!”

That was, according to trumptwitterarchive.com, a website that allows you to search all of Trump’s tweets, the 26th time the president has tweeted the term “Witch Hunt” in relation to the Russia investigation.

Clearly, our very calm president is bothered by Mueller’s investigation, which might explain why he keeps denouncing the FBI, the Department of Justice, Mueller, his own attorney general, the media, anyone who disagrees with him, and, I would guess, the dictionary for having the gall to include the word “collusion” on its pages.

It’s all a witch hunt, you see. And that could be a good way for Trump to explain away the Mueller investigation, were it not for all the witches that keep getting caught.

Trump campaign foreign policy adviser George Papadopoulos pleaded guilty to making false statements to the FBI. Former national security adviser Michael Flynn did the same. Former Trump campaign aide Rick Gates has taken a plea deal. Former Trump campaign chair Paul Manafort has been indicted on charges of conspiracy, money laundering, false statements and a slew of other stuff. Thirteen Russians and three Russian companies have been indicted on charges of conspiracy. Richard Pinedo of California pleaded guilty to identity theft in connection with the indictments of the Russians. And Alex van der Zwaan, a lawyer from London, pleaded guilty to making false statements to the FBI about contact he had with Gates.

That’s a lot of witches. It’s like a coven-and-a-half.

But still, Trump persists. WITCH HUNT!!

Clearly, the president doesn’t care about all these other witches. He cares about himself, because he is the only person who can make America great again and usher in a new era of magnificent Trumpsperity.

So by calling the Mueller investigation a witch hunt, President Trump directly implies that he sees himself as the witch who is being hunted.

That leaves him with two options:

1. Allow the Mueller investigation to continue, free from presidential influence or pressure, and accept the results.

2. Prove that he is not a witch, and thus should not be hunted.

Clearly, option No. 1 is lame and not going to happen. We can’t have a president projecting weakness by sitting around waiting for justice to be served.

So the only choice is No. 2. The president must prove he’s not a witch.

I’ve researched tried-and-true methods of witch testing and am happy to present several sensible approaches Trump can take to clear his name and stop this senseless witch hunt right in its tracks.

The Prayer Test: This would be one of the easiest paths, and it could be televised, meaning a possible ratings bonanza for the president. According to a report on the History Channel’s website, “Medieval wisdom held that witches were incapable of speaking scripture aloud, so accused sorcerers were made to recite selections from the Bible — usually the Lord’s Prayer — without making mistakes or omissions.” So if Trump can stand before a live studio audience and recite the Lord’s Prayer perfectly, he is not a witch and the Mueller investigation must end.

The Witch’s Mark: For this test, Trump would have to be stripped of all clothing and publicly examined for any witch-related skin markings. If the president did, in fact, make a pact with Satan — as all witches do, of course — it likely would have left some form of sore, scar or other mark. It’s quite possible this test, if televised, would not be as much of a ratings bonanza.

Dunking: This seems like the second-best option for Trump after the Prayer Test. All he would need to do is strip down to his undergarments and then allow someone to throw him into a large body of water with a rope tied around his waist. (I believe former FBI Director James Comey would be a good candidate to do the Trump tossing.) Per the History Channel: “Since witches were believed to have spurned the sacrament of baptism, it was thought that the water would reject their body and prevent them from submerging.” If the president floats, he’s a witch. If he’s not a witch, he would sink like a stone and Comey would pull him back up. Hopefully.

Any one of these tests would accomplish far more than Trump’s incessant tweeting about witch hunts. If there’s no witch, there can be no hunt.