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Taxpayers to pay the emotional cost of supporting West Ham

Having cunningly negotiated a reduced rental cost for the Olympic Stadium, the long-suffering ‘Hammers’ are expecting other football fans to proportionately share the ‘anguish of their mediocrity’. Each taxpayer will be required to daily lament the decline of both West Ham’s ‘Academy’ and their hooligans, while at least once – crying into a pillow over ‘unresolved’ Frank Lampard rejection issues.

The public will now be forced to spend the whole season arguing over whether to hate Spurs or Chelsea the most, while pointedly ignoring hasty exists from all cup competitions. Once in their new stadium, WHUFC propose to offer cut price season tickets to ‘spread the pain’. Although you can already simulate the sensation of supporting West Ham by repeatedly slamming you thumb in your car door, to the rhythm of ‘Forever Blowing Bubbles’.

Historically the club have been blighted by too many players with the surname Cole and too few with the surname Moore. Legend has it that during the Middle Ages a disgruntled witch, looking like Avram Grant, cursed West Ham to only be moderately more successful than East Ham; making them forever allergic to all forms of silverware.

A club spokesman said: ‘We will be paying £2.5m a year in rent, but the true cost of supporting West Ham is incalculable. All new fans are advised to read the small print on any glimmer of hope, or Carlos Tevez as it is called. Buckle up and prepare for the ride of a lifetime – specifically, a disillusioned top ten finish followed by flirtation with relegation…on repeat’.