Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

The Senate released a 600 page report condemning the CIA’s enhanced interrogation program. The only thing worse than being tortured by the CIA is having to read a 600 page report prepared by the Senate.

The Senate released a 600 page report condemning the CIA’s enhanced interrogation program which alleged they performed “rectal feeding” on terror suspects. Until now a rectal feeding was what was suggested by the managers at Denny’s when customers complain about the food.

The Senate released a 600 page report condemning the CIA’s enhanced interrogation program. Apparently some of the tactics were so bad that suspects thought they were being held in the Miami Dolphins locker room.

The Senate report on CIA torture says that President Bush was “kept in the dark” about the program. Apparently Bush was OK with the idea once the CIA convinced him the torture sessions were really just a tickle fest.

The Senate report on CIA torture says that President Bush was “kept in the dark” about the program. When Senators asked why the President didn’t know about it, the CIA said he did. They say they told Dick Cheney everything.

Facebook is working on a “digital assistant” that will mediate online activity. The system will use Artificial Intelligence to persuade people with a lack of intelligence to post their naked and drunk party photos online.

Oklahoma Senator Tom Coburn says that athletes and rock stars are exploiting loopholes to avoid paying taxes. Apparently the Senator is upset that those loopholes were intended to be used only by business people who donate the money they save to their congressmen.

Jonathan Gruber says he was not “the architect” of Obamacare. Mostly because nothing as fragile, wobbly and unstable as Obamacare was obviously not the work of anyone with any architectural skills.

A report says that health insurance costs are rising faster than wages. To which most Americans are saying “what are wages?”

Iowa is planning a program that will put people’s driver’s licenses on their smartphones. That way the people can show their license to a police officer at the scene of an accident without losing the text they were sending while driving that caused their car to crash.

Iowa is planning a program that will put people’s driver’s licenses on their smartphones. Which means the people of Iowa will now have a reason to carry a smartphone until they actually get wireless service somewhere in the state.

Republicans are saying the Senate’s report on the CIA torture program is “partisan.” The only question is when did torture become a partisan issue and who is actually claiming to be on the pro side?

A Southwest Airlines flight out of San Francisco was diverted when a woman gave birth to a baby midflight. The worst part is that she got pregnant on the same trip but cancellations and delays kept her at the airport waiting nine months for the return flight.

The Supreme Court says that Amazon workers are not entitled to be paid while waiting in line for security inspections to make sure they aren’t stealing anything. Apparently the Court was concerned that if they decided for the workers, airport travelers would start suing the U.S. to be paid for waiting hours to be strip searched by the TSA.

Amazon has added a new option that allows people to bid lower prices on certain items. If that works, they will also start letting people guess how many times they will have to return items before they get what they actually ordered.

AAA is advising people that even with modern technology on new cars, people still need to look before changing lanes. Triple A says it is also a good idea to look up once in awhile even if you have your eight year old holding the wheel while you finish texting.

Data says that the areas with the best paying jobs also have the most expensive homes. Mostly because living near a Wal-Mart, Taco Bell and 7-Eleven means you have to be in the same neighborhood as customers of Wal-Mart, Taco Bell and 7-Eleven.

A report says that using the ocean as a source for electricity is tougher and more expensive than previously thought. Although that might be disputed by anyone who has ever encountered an electric eel.

A study says the color of a mug may change the perception of the way coffee tastes. Especially if the mug is green because it is full of mold.

The Labor Department says finding a job is the easiest it has been since 2008. The only problem is what to put on your resume to fill that gap where there is a big blank spot from 2008 to present.

The Labor Department says finding a job is the easiest it has been since 2008. Although no one said anything about a job with a livable wage, health insurance and a pension plan.

Facebook will start allowing people to search for old posts. Which means most users will be now able to virtually be able to see what they ate for breakfast every day for the past four years.

The government says the price of gasoline will average $2.60 a gallon through 2015. Although anyone who believes that is relying on the same people whose budgeting skills have put us $17 Trillion in the hole.

A poll says that two thirds of Americans want the federal government to stay out of state level marijuana regulations. The other third said “Huhhhhhhh?”

Bravo and E! are both moving into scripted TV programming and away from reality shows like “Real Housewives” and “The Kardashians.” Mostly because those shows couldn’t ever rely on scripts because none of the cast members could actually read.

A survey says that half of all Millennials think that getting a raise at work is a right. The other half are holding off on their opinion on that until the day they actually get a job.

The U.N. says that 2014 was one of the worst years ever for children. Especially for North West, who has Kim Kardashian for a mother, Kanye West for a father and Kris and Bruce Jenner as one set of grandparents.

A report says that more Americans are taking potentially deadly doses of painkillers. These people need to just learn to turn the volume down while they are watching “Judge Judy.”

A study says that three quarters new mothers are heavier a year after giving birth than they were before they got pregnant. The other one quarter are divorced or in jail because their husbands made the mistake of pointing out their weight gain.

A British doctor is advocating giving women menstrual leave from work. The only problem is who is going to actually ask a woman if the reason for her moodiness is PMS?

A Canadian woman who went to the hospital with cramps ended up delivering a baby girl. That’s what happens when you accidentally replace your birth control pills with Alka-Seltzer.

A study says the way a person walks can affect their mood. As opposed to Beyonce whose way of walking definitely improves the mood of all the men walking behind her.

A study says that one third of all women over 40 get up at least twice a night to use the bathroom. The other two thirds get up twice a night to check to see where they put their baseball bat for when their husband tries to sneak in at 3 AM.

The animated Christmas Special “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” is turning 50. The good news is that all the misfits have found homes, moving from holiday specials where they can now be found on reality TV shows.

Kanye West is set to receive a Visionary Award at the BET Honors. Although some would actually classify his visions of his own self-worth more along the lines of hallucinations.

The University of Michigan is offering a class on “Orange is the New Black.” Although some students are protesting that the title should be changed to “Maize is the New Blue.”

The University of Michigan is offering a class on “Orange is the New Black.” Although if any college should offer courses based on prison life, it should be Harvard Business School for graduating all the Wall Street executives who destroyed the economy.

The University of Alabama at Birmingham Faculty Senate is considering a no confidence vote on its president for dropping the football team. Mostly because without the distraction of the football games, the students might realize what a substandard education they are getting from the school.

Rory McIlroy is being accused of deliberately erasing smartphone data relating to his lawsuit against his former managers. Either that or the lawyers just want to go through his phone to see if he still kept any naked pictures of Caroline Wozniacki.

Rory McIlroy is being accused of deliberately erasing smartphone data relating to his lawsuit against his former managers. Apparently he did it at the advice of Tiger Woods who says erasing his cellphone data could have saved him the $100 Million he had to pay out to Elin.

Magic Johnson says he hopes the Lakers “lose every game” to get a good draft pick. He says “If you are going to lose, lose.” To which the Philadelphia 76ers are saying “Hey, that’s our team strategy!”

A security group is encouraging biometrics and hardware to replace passwords. Which is bad news for hackers all over the world who will have to do a little more work than try “12345” and “password” to get into all of our accounts.

A security group is encouraging biometrics and hardware to replace passwords. Which by using fingerprints to access accounts people will finally be able to literally give hackers the finger.

Ride sharing company Uber is charging a $1 safe ride fee to users to screen drivers and make sure they are competent, qualified and safe. If it works, the same system might even be put into operation by United Airlines for its pilots.

A British company is selling a solid gold plated racing bike for $400,000. Apparently it was commissioned by Lance Armstrong before he was busted and even has a hollowed out frame to discard used hypodermic needles.

The Federal Reserve is proposing that U.S. banks increase the amount of money put aside to offset any unexpected losses. Which is different than the banks’ proposal of just to let the continue their reckless practices and when they crash they will get another government bailout.

The Federal Reserve is proposing that U.S. banks increase the amount of capital put aside to offset any unexpected losses. To which banks are saying “Capital? Isn’t that the stuff that we used to have when people still had savings accounts?”

A report says U.S. utilities could lose $48 Billion a year from solar energy and conservation. Which has already been dealt with by local public utility commissions who will suggest tightening belts, cutting costs and giving utilities a $48 Billion rate hike.

A study says that robots clicking online ads cost advertisers $6.3 Billion a year. It also shows that robots really like to watch videos of a cat playing the piano and a hamster eating a cracker.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! That last joke about robots on the Internet got my attention. Perhaps I need to start writing more jokes to appeal to robots to get my daily hits count up. This robot walks into a bar and says “Bee Boop Bop Bop...” and the robot bartender says “Bzzzt Bop Boing!” That is funny stuff if you are an android. In the meantime, to get my human count up make sure to tell your friends about the site. Put it on Facebook. Or Twitter. Or just scream it out the window at passing strangers. They will thank you. And so will I. But don’t stop there. Make sure you also take the time to remember to send the love!