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Tuesday, 23 October 2012

A to Z of Me:: I is for...

I is for...Identity

Identity has always been a funny one for me. I know a lot of people say it, but I never really did fit in at school; or at least, I never really knew where my place was. At times I would be with the cool kids, at other times I would be with the nerds, or the boys or just plain on my own. I wasn't the sportiest, certainly wasn't the coolest or the prettiest. I was always one of the smartest (I don't mean that to sound like I'm blowing my own trumpet-promise!) which always made me an outcast. It seemed that if you were smart and worked hard, nobody wanted to give you the time of day.

Because of this, I was a bit of a loner. I was fairly happy with this arrangement as I preferred to sit with my head in a book or drawing away.

LHS: Age 13 & 15 - wearing those trousers... RHS: Age 18 in NYC- I thought I looked awesome!

As I grew up, I saw that I wasn't going to fit in, and made it blatantly obvious to the world. I tried my very best to be 'different', always known as the 'arty weird one'. I kinda liked being known for that.

I would change my hair at every opportunity- it was dyed every colour under the sun, and cut in every style possible. At one point the sides were clipped, I had an asymmetric fringe and a pink Mohawk. I stood out, especially in a small country town. (I just tried to find some photos on an ancient myspace page without any luck. Boo!)

A variety of different looks...from pixie cut, to 80s backcombed to victory rolls

I wore 'bizarre' clothes; favouring old stuff I found in the back of Mum's wardrobe, the army surplus and TK Maxx. I always bought Elle and Vogue and loved looking at all of the crazy inventions on the catwalk. Something that sticks in my memory is a non-uniform day at school when I was about 15. I saved up for a pair of rubber coated khaki Calvin Klein trousers (sounds gross, but I soooo loved them), I wore them with a wide red patent belt with punched holes, and a camo print tank top with an embroidered lion on the front. Bare in mind this was about 2002. I was totally inspired by the stuff I had read in magazines, but unfortunately everyone else opted for jeans or trackies and a t-shirt. I was laughed at, a lot, but I still bloody loved those trousers.

At a Bad Taste party at art school...

Skip forward to the Uni years, and not a lot had changed. There were a lot of fake friends and awkward social cliques, but also some true friends who were above all that art school crap. Ironically, at art school, I wasn't weird enough, or a hippy, or rich enough to be part of those groups!

Now, at the age of 25, I am finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. I am not afraid to show my eccentricities or quirks, and not embarrassed by my lack of drug taking, promiscuity or desire to fit in.

I like being me; the retro loving TV addict, who is constantly attached to the laptop or a crochet hook.

Recent photos- from the last year or so- wearing my specs, happy, snuggling Peggy and with my Mama.

My identity has taken a long while to discover, and has seen many reincarnations, both good and terrible, but cheesy as it sounds, it has made me who I am, and I don't think I would change that. I'm just glad I grew out of all that head shaving, sequin on the face wearing stage before I got too old!

4 comments:

Love love love this post. I'm 33 in December and was a secondary school teacher before my more recent jobs, I left teaching when I was 25, not knowing myself at all! It takes such a long time to work out who you really are, I think I'm almost there...I love all your old photos too! I am totally inspired to write a similar blog now, I'll send you a link!L xxx

i feel this post so much. i was always trying to 'fit in' during my teens, and then moved around a lot during my 20's thinking everytime i made new friends i could be someone different... 25 was my turning point, and now i love myself (in a totally not self-indulgent way..) and embrace all my quirks - they're mine!