Chargers OT Joe Barksdale: 'I am as depressed as I am black'

Chargers OT Joe Barksdale: 'I am as depressed as I am black'

Chargers offensive tackle Joe Barksdale almost took his own life in 2017 due to an ongoing battle with chronic depression.

“Just kill yourself. Just do it. What’s the point of living if you’re going to be this miserable the rest of your life? Just kill yourself,” were the thoughts that raced through Barksdale’s mind in November 2017 as he was sharpening a knife to commit suicide, according to the Los Angeles Times’ Dan Woike.

Barksdale disclosed to Woike that he was molested as a child and that he shared his struggles with quarterback Philip Rivers this season at one point. The QB was highly supportive, but Rivers and two other teammates that Barksdale confided in all told him that they would keep the information between them.

That was actually the opposite of what Barksdale wanted.

“This goes to show you the stigma in the league. All three of them told me, ‘Hey, don’t worry. This is between us. I won’t tell anybody.’ My thing was, I’m telling you so that you can tell other people . . . If I could save another person, maybe that’s why the attempts [to harm himself] didn’t work,” Barksdale said, per Woike.

“They’re like tattoos,” Barksdale said of the painful encounters he had which included being molested, picked on and feeling as if he couldn’t find any way to overcome his depression. “No one had any answers for me,” Barksdale said, per Woike. “They wanted to help. But they couldn’t. At the end of the day, I still felt … fear, shame, guilt, denial, and anxiety.”

Barksdale was able to persevere by using music as an outlet and with the support of his wife, Brionna, and has now released his debut album “Butterflies, Rainbows & Moonbeams.” However, his depression still represents a daily battle for the 29-year-old tackle.

“Some days, you can talk yourself out of it. Some days, you can’t. Some days, it just feels impossible,” Barksdale said, per Woike. “This is who I am. I am as depressed as I am black.”

The NFL has several services in place for players dealing with the types of issues Barksdale faces, including NFL Life Line, a 24-hour crisis hotline available to current and former players and their families.