No, no, he’s not a dick at all

Hugh Grant is a father. Us Weekly broke the story that the 51 year old welcomed a baby girl in October. There is no official word on who the mother is but multiple outlets are speculating that she’s a Chinese actress called Tinglan Hong with whom Hugh was seen earlier this year. Hugh isn’t speaking about the identity of his child’s mother, but he did release a statement confirming the news, and, you know, clarifying their relationship, because what could be more important when you’re celebrating the birth of your child?

Said Hugh’s rep:

"I can confirm that Hugh Grant is the delighted father of a baby girl. He and the mother had a fleeting affair and while this was not planned, Hugh could not be happier or more supportive. He and the mother have discussed everything and are on very friendly terms."

I mean he’s English, right? And, you know, when it’s done right, the English, they don’t mess around with the language. (See Maggie Smith, various roles, but particularly Gosford Park.) So, you know, “the mother”, she must be particularly proud of the “fleeting affair” that resulted in the conception of their baby. It’s so great to be told, and publicly, that even though what you shared was meaningless, it yielded such a meaningful result.

He couldn’t have simply declared that “Although Mr Grant and the baby’s mother are no longer together, blah blah blah generic words of excitement that accompany any birth of any child…”?

Actually, no.

Very curious how specific this announcement is with no mention that they intend to raise the child together, only that Hugh is “happy and supportive” which… sounds to me like he’s agreed to cut a cheque. Oh, well now sh-t, even better. What a solid individual, what an elegant, refined man. That Tupperware and bean throwing motherf-cker, he really goes above and beyond, non?

Can we just go back to that for a minute? Because… you WALK BACK INTO YOUR HOUSE. You do not shout out, “Do you know who I am? I am a millionaire, leave me alone”, and then attack a man with BAKED BEANS. There will never, ever, EVER be any justification for it. And anyone who steps up with one is either a celebrity themselves or a really, really pathetic fangirl. Only one available explanation on this one, sorry.