I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP). Sometimes I’m not so bright. In fact, I can make just stupid decisions. When I was a child my arm was broken. The arm was never set properly and as a result the arm has always given me some discomfort. The last few months however; the pain has steadily grown where I have to work around it for such tasks as putting on a shirt. So I put in a medical request form. I suggested that perhaps the lack of exercise is causing the pain, as up until a year ago I was being treated for cancer and I didn’t exercise much and since then I’ve done very little. But with my impending release on Wednesday, I didn’t make a good choice ignoring the pain. To my surprise, I was actually seen on Sunday by a nurse right here on the unit. The nurse decided to see me because of my history of cancer. She determined the kind of bone issue I described shouldn’t be ignored. Just another example of the usually positive experience I’ve had with health practitioners while I’ve been in prison. She decided to refer me to the doctor without performing tests. But she did take a history of how it happened, asking why I didn’t address this years ago when I had insurance and why I waited until now. Truth was I didn’t want to answer the questions people would have asked related to how it happened, my usual honesty and shame issues. Hopefully, I don’t continue that pattern. One nice thing about all my family and friends knowing I went to prison is all pretense is gone. The truth will be revealed eventually whether you want it to or not. The fact I had problems is now known to them. How will they react to me? How will I react to them? I am going to try, despite the loss of family, possessions, career, and money, to hold my head high. The difference between disgrace and shame would be failing to learn the lessons shame has taught. It will be a struggle, make no mistake about that. Charles and Victoria Martin, my adoptive parents, have his retirement celebration coming up July 17th where family friends and acquaintances from years gone by will be in attendance. We’ll see then if my words here mean anything. The rest of the weekend was uneventful. ERP group member Scott Dietz had his paperwork signed by a Milwaukee County judge on a weekend. He also inquired about me building websites for his businesses. I’m suspicious of any contact with people from here or promises made but I said sure I’m interested but I’ll need a couple of months to get my feet on the ground. But I almost believe him. I talked to my adoptive parents on Sunday as well. They have the bed I slept on as a kid setup in the basement and some simple foodstuffs put up for me there. The internet will be turned on June 25th so I can get to catching up on my Information Technology and programming skills. They gave my parole officer (PO) Helen Gaither the house key which I can get from her on Wednesday but left a door open in the event by the time I get to Menasha, WI after business hours. Of course this tells me the PO and my adoptive parents have been meeting and talking. That makes me a little nervous. But everything seems set. Wednesday can’t get here soon enough!

I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP). I’m still dealing with the ripple effect from my trip to the hole. The guards that packed my stuff were not gentle and had destroyed all my boxes which I had used to store my things here. They put it all in brown paper bags. I don’t know how I’m going to carry that stuff out of here when I leave in about 60 days. One thing is for sure as well. I’m probably the only person in the history of the WPS to go to the hole for blogging related reasons. Not exactly good for my cred with other inmates you know? I can’t even picture myself explaining it. Of course I’m kidding. But these were thoughts going through my head. I spoke with my adoptive parentsCharles and Victoria Martin and while I was in the hole they had discussions with my parole officer Gayle Gaither and they were going to put a phone line in for my electronic monitoring device. Gaither also told them she approved me to attend his retirement party and services in Michigan in mid-July. Charles says farewell to his career as a full-time minister. They they dropped a bombshell on me. It seems my ex-wife and former step-children will be there as well. Boy, with that, just getting out of prison and dealing with all sorts of family and friends from over the years that weekend, its making me already wish I could hide on that weekend. But that’s not an option. The anxiety junkie has just got to suck it up for the sake of my adoptive father and the family. Another loose end left over prior to going to the hole was the response to my biological family letter. My aunt had revealed that my biological father and her “had protected each other” as children and basically I shouldn’t be so hard on him for the things that happened and she was sorry they hadn’t been there to protect me and my half-brother. My response wasn’t based on what I’ve learned but on instinct. I pray it was the right one. I asked when and if she was comfortable to share what happened to her and him as kids so I might understand him. I also told her I’m not angry at all with them for not protecting me and the domino effect of all this through the years. Between you and me I probably was angry at them somewhat over time. But I sense we’re right at the edge of something huge here and it could be life changing for all of us. After that, it was another rough night of sleep. Perhaps all of this stress with things like my release, adopted family, biological family, and ripple effect from the blog being discovered is getting to me. It’s a different kind of stress than paying the bills and going to work everyday but its real nonetheless. The topic today for the ERP group coincidentally was domestic violence. Our ERP group leader Ms. Grey was again very upbeat. She also pointed out much of the lack of dynamics in our ERP group was our refusal to challenge each other. She’s right of course. We watched videos depicting various people who hurt the women in their lives. I shared my biological father’s cycle of violence since it was already on my mind. At the end of the day, Ms. Grey indicated I’d only have to make up one module I missed while I was in the hole. She also indicated our Phase II goals and objectives would have to be presented this week so I’ll need to get busy on that.

I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP). Last night we got canteen a day early (Tuesday) than normal because of the upcoming Christmas break. I went a little nuts this time because its Christmas and anticipating time off I’ll want to snack on something. I also ordered one of the generic Christmas cards they sell and sent it to Lisa. I was incarcerated in the Waukesha County Jail (WCJ) at this time last year and I so went to pieces missing my former family. I rarely hear from Lisa now, usually only when she is mad at her mom and she figures writing to me will upset her. Such is the way of teenage girls. But I wanted to let her know I haven’t forgotten. They have moved on and have forgotten me. I still think of them everyday, praying that they are ok and succeeding. I even pray for Lynn, even though she wronged me so. I occasionally catch a wave of resentment washing over me but I quickly remember that the most loving thing I can do is to let them go, pray they forgive me for the wrong I’ve done, and let go of the anger and resentment I felt. It serves no purpose other than to make me miserable. It won’t bring them back that’s for sure. It’s one of the reasons I’d hoped not to be in Waukesha, WI after release so as not cross paths with them. It would be hard on me and awkward for everybody. I don’t think I’m going to get a choice though as no plan is coming together so far. After canteen was handed out, I sat down with an Angus Meat Stick and actually ate real meat, not the soy WPS hands out as a substitute! I changed the direction I sleep to see if that calms my irrational cellmate, Andre Charles, and it must have worked as he’s calm so far today. We were all assembled in the dayroom studying our ERP materials when another ERP coordinator stood up and announced that you no longer could just get up and go to the bathroom when you like, and there were designated times to do so. Also, unless our ERP facilitator assigned us to the dayroom while working on program materials, we were to stay in our designated area, which is the exercise room. We moved and our new work area was a ping pong table. Ms. Grey, our ERP Coordinator, showed up around 10 am and got us in a group and told us she’d fix this. Since I missed yesterday they had me read the assignments we were given to have due this week. It was my reaction to getting ERP, drug and alcohol use and my OWI arrest history. It was in the OWI arrest history that the mental illness part came out as well as the suicide attempt and the other inmates reacted surprised yet supportive. That surprised me. Then we sped through the Orientation workbook up to “Keys for Change” with us as a group filling in the answers for the “Positive attitudes for successful treatment’ section – Honesty, Responsibility, Willingness, Open Mindedness, Humility, Caring, Objectivity and Gratitude, defining each with one word answers (or as close as we could) and some questions on each. Again if you want details, email me. Then we got an assignment for while Ms. Grey was on vacation – to finish the workbook, come up with a mission statement using our one word attitude definitions, and a ripple effect of drug and alcohol use design. Pretty straightforward. This is my first impatient treatment so its interesting and informative. I’ve done a lot of this work in the past year but it has names for everything I was describing, but doesn’t address some of the things. I got back to my cell and Andre wants to be friends again. Oh what the heck…. its almost Christmas.

I’m at the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP). Some folks made an issue that the donation of the Chips Ahoy Chunky Chocolate Chip Cookies by the group on Saturday were expired and couldn’t be sold to the public. I think they’re crazy. I and most are grateful. My cellie, Andre Charles, opened his bag last night and ate the whole thing but the rest of us have turned it into a game, who’ll be the last to open them. By the way Andre and I are getting along better but his moods which sing all the time definitely dictate the mood of this room. I don’t ever trust him either. But when he’s in a good mood, this room is actually ok. We all enjoyed the football game (Green Bay vs.. New England) together – certainly better than last time. This morning I started on a workbook in ERP. They are a series of workbooks from The Change Companies from Carson City, NV (1-888-889-8866). They were apparently developed in conjunction with the Federal Bureau of Prisons of the U.S. Justice Department which makes sense since ERP is a federally funded program in Wisconsin. The workbooks are referred to as “Residential Drug Abuse Treatment Program Journals”. The one I’m on is “Orientation”, then “Rational Thinking”, “Criminal Lifestyles”, “Living with Others”, “Lifestyle Balance”, “Recovery Maintenance” and “Transition”. The “Orientation” book chapters are “Looking at Me”, “Preparing for Treatment”, “Keys for Change”, and “My Drug Use”. If you ever have questions about what we are covering not address in my broad overviews, feel free to ask. I’m in the middle of the chapter, “Preparing for Treatment” but much requires input from the ERP group to finish so those at my table and myself are kind of stuck. So I switched gears and worked on my autobiography which appears to be a central component of the ERP program. Ms. Grey gave me a 30 some page guide which I had to copy the main points to cover in this document than pass it onto others. The guide is entitled “A New Freedom, copyright 2003 by A.R. Phoenix Resources, Inc. You talk about detailed! It takes age groups 1-4, 5-7, 8-10, 11-12, 13-14 asking where did you live? Who did you live with? What are some of the good and bad things that happened? Who loved you? Who hurt you? Were you neglected? Were you abandoned? Were you around substance abuse? Crime? Gangs? Did anyone die or leave home? Sick or badly injured? Were those traumatic events? Was home life out of control? Did you feel safe at home? Did the child have someone they can trust? How did people in authority treat you? Then it goes into substance abuse history and your attempts to control it. There’s more but if you want the gaudy details email me. I’m sure you’ll hear more as time goes on. So I copied down those points and handed the book off but nobody wanted it, thinking a 30 some page guide was a bit too much. I’m going to use it. Why? I like guidelines I guess. I got called to my assessment with Ms. Grey. It was about sixty some questions, relatively painless. We start our evening session soon (6 pm – 7:30 pm) but even that’s about to change after the new year. It’ll be 8-4 all week. So I guess its’ going but I don’t think ERP isn’t something I can’t handle anymore.

I’m a the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility (MSDF), an institution in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS), participating in the Earned Release Program (ERP). The media mistakenly keep calling this program “Early Release Program” thinking that is what ERP stands for. It doesn’t. I stands for “Earned Release Program”. Got that cleared up? Good. 🙂 Well, last night was horrid for me, not just because of the usual reasons, but the mattress that was on my bunk when I got here was extremely thin so my back is extremely sore. I figure I’ll eventually get used to it. Forget about asking for a new one, you’ll just get laughed at. The other 3 cellies went to program about 8 but Andre returned about 10. It seems the program coordinator had seen him wearing his shower shoes instead of the standard issue blue slippers, said something to him about it, another younger inmates laughed at him, and he snapped at him, then at the coordinator, who then told him to go to his cell for the rest of the day. Andre was very worried they’d give him a ticket for disrespecting staff and that he might get kicked out of ERP for this. He also has had a history of a lot of warnings for various violations. He reminded me a lot of me as he paced the floor and how the anxiety junkie completely ruled him at this point. As it turned out, he was stressed for nothing, not even getting a warning. Andre felt like he needed to stop being friendly with other inmates as it is what seemed to give this younger inmate a license to “act the fool with him”. But I filed all of this in my brain as what not to do once I start on December 13th. The psychiatrist of the jail stopped by our cell asking how we were doing. Malike Pearl asked what would happen if he went back on his meds. She replied he’d be dropped from the program and moved to another floor. I didn’t know that about Malik. But I’ve covered what I think of this blanket policy. The staff member who did the evaluation yesterday brought the mental health information on Brown County for when I get out. It was good she didn’t forget.

On TMJ4 today, Jeff Wagner, Courtney Gerrish and crew talked about how they wanted to see the ERP eliminated because someone high on heroin killed someone else, and they had graduated from the ERP. I wonder if they know these are the only programs I know of (Challenge Incarceration Program as well) that actually pretend to do any kind of rehabilitation. I wonder if they read this blog. I wish they would as they would see life isn’t always black and white. But I’m praying I sleep better tonight and thank God for getting me into ERP when he did. I’m not sure it’ll be here all that much longer.

I’m at the Fox Lake Minimum Correctional Institution (FMCI), a facility in the Wisconsin Prison System (WPS). I’ve gotten better as the week progressed and not only that I forced myself to get out on the track and felt better for it. I started to reengage people too. One inmate confided in me his fears about getting out soon. He claims, if you can follow, he got revoked because his cleaning lady got busted at his apartment with pot without his knowledge. In his case, he is unusual because he is “max discharge”, that is he has no “paper” or requirement to follow rules that a parole officer might require. His fears revolve around his being alone, having nowhere to go and no job. I certainly understood as I’m in that boat too. I got him talking about his skills and how much potential income they might bring. Yes its going to be rough for him, but if he already has a defeated attitude, how far will he get? It got close to supper time and the Glee Club was lined up already. Pretty soon word had gotten around Lt. Brodie was conducting hearings on tickets. One of the Glee Club that knew I had a ticket taunted me in a good natured way that I was next. He was right. Brodie was conducing his hearings in Ms. Greer’s office. He acted as if he didn’t know who I was but I just don’t believe it. He asked my side of the story and I explained what happened. Then he said he’d already taken into account my lack of any discipline history when he determined my sentence was 5 days bunk confinement. Everyone had told me these hearings and their outcomes were predetermined before the inmate says a word. I guessed that to be true but I didn’t expect Brodie to be so brazen about it. My bunk confinement was to begin the following day. I was told I could appeal to the warden but I figured they’ll double it again if I do. I did get some good news. Again, inmate information was incorrect, I did get to keep the use of my electronics. They can take it away but usually don’t unless it involves misuse of the electronics. Truth is outside of my walks on the track, bunk confinement wouldn’t be much different than my normal routine. Yet I was still angry. I was angry that Percy had just for spite, had wrecked my perfect disciplinary record. I was wrong for putting myself in the position he could accuse me. I started feeling the familiar yet unpredictable impulses of rage and anger toward Percy. That’s a side of me I don’t like at all. Fortunately, I’ve never acted on such impulses. When waves of depression and rage strike, I ride out the storm and never make decisions during that time. Then after the storm was over, I prayed for Percy, that he might find happiness and whatever it is he needs to find his center. Then I went to sleep. It was the first real good sleep I’ve had in awhile.