Monthly Archives: October 2016

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Rory: What is this jack-o'-lantern? The letters A and F?Jon: When you put a candle inside, it's lit AF.Rory: [reading sign taped to bowl of candy] "I left these Twix out for Harambe, but you are welcome to take one." [pause] How are you not a dad?Jon: I am one, remember?

"Hey, uhh, you guys have any herpes cream I could borrow?"
"Oh, yeah, I think we might. A friend left some here." (Son of Zorn, S01E05)

"No wonder Alangulon only knows about Zephyria through stereotypes. You've taught him nothing."
"Well, maybe you should educate him. I find the best way to do that is through a culture's cuisine. That's how I learned all about Ohio." (Son of Zorn, S01E05)

Fried hay (Son of Zorn, S01E05)

"Can you use your karate to open up this pickle jar?" (Son of Zorn, S01E05)

"Amy likes to fish in the river."
"Really? I didn't know there were fish in there. What do you catch?"
"Goldfish. Starfish. Cod." (Crazyhead, S01E02)

"What was that?"
"It's foxes. Foxes having sex. They have barbs. On their dicks. It's a basic design flaw." (Crazyhead, S01E02)

"Sometimes, if I've run out of toilet paper, I use sliced bread to clean myself. If I run out of that, I use slices of ham. It's like a poor man's wet wipe." (Crazyhead, S01E02)

"Why did they bring him to an ice rink? Are demons into figure skating or something?"
"Do demons like figure skating? Did you really just ask me that?"
"I'm not familiar with their leisure pursuits." (Crazyhead, S01E02)

"Why are you smiling? You know Charlie's not really dead, right?"
"Yeah. But one day…" (Black-ish, S03E05)

"Leave me alone. I'm not American. I'm not used to all this carnage." (American Horror Story, S06E07)

Seasoning Lee's leg (American Horror Story, S06E07)

"GEEEEEAR!" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E01)

"I was really excited to try out some of my sweet new camping gear. These cool walking sticks took my mind off the fact that three out of four people on this camping trip were fucking all night. The fine craftsmanship of this Audubon bird call distracted me from the searing humiliation and emasculation of being left out of a sex orgy. These cool tiny binoculars allowed me to not only get a close-up view of a Eurasian wryneck, but also a bird's-eye view of three people fucking inside a GEERTOP double layer two person tent." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E01)

"Gear-i, would you read the lyrics to 'Hey Jealousy' by the Gin Blossoms?" (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E01)

Covering Steve's face with a black box in the title sequence (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E02)

"If we get the Glase, this movie gets AIDS."
"What?"
"Sorry, it was the first thing I thought of that rhymed." (Jon Glaser Loves Gear, S01E02)

"Kant would say that lying in any scenario is wrong, so if Michael asks you if you killed Janet, you should say 'yes.' On the other hand, snitches do get stitches." (The Good Place, S01E08)

"I used to take her to the mall sometimes and bought her churro dogs – it's a hot dog, but the bun is two churros, and it's tied together with a Slim Jim. It's an Arizona delicacy." (The Good Place, S01E08)

♫: The Tallest Man on Earth – "Love Is All" (Better Things, S01E08)

(Quarry, S01E08)

Quarry Season Grade: C-

Still the AR™TV World Drama Champion: Stranger ThingsStill the AR™TV World Comedy Champion: Atlanta

The young New Zealand actors' bad American accents (Ash vs. Evil Dead, S02E03)

Ian Gallagher (Son of Zorn, S01E04)

"Before I was a doctor, I was a production assistant on Living Single." (Son of Zorn, S01E04)

"Hummus sucks!" (Son of Zorn, S01E04)

"You know what? You're right, Alangulon. Not cool for an adult to do that to a kid, no. Hey, but you know what is cool? A little Blues Traveler!" (Son of Zorn, S01E04)

Young Anthony Hopkins (Westworld, S01E03)

"This pain… It's all I have left of him." (Westworld, S01E03)

Big Mouth Billy Bass alarm system (The Last Man on Earth, S03E03)

"I took all the bullet holes and I turned them into daisies. Watch your back, Martha Stewart [rest in peace]. And rather than get rid of all the angry messages, I thought maybe we should reclaim them. So instead of 'we're all going to die,' I wrote, 'we're all going to diet.'" (The Last Man on Earth, S03E03)

"Dear God, thank you for daddy Frank. He's the best new daddy we've ever had. And please let him let me be a boy named 'Dan' starting tomorrow." (Shameless, S07E03)

"Is you Khaleesi or that other bitch whose name I don't remember?" (Insecure, S01E02)

Commissary (Insecure, S01E02)

"Bought a bunch of new movies at the barbershop. Bootleg and chill?" (Insecure, S01E02)

"Lawrence, we are not about to be the black couple fighting in Rite-Aid." (Insecure, S01E02)

"We watch Lemonade, and then we go to Lemonade, and we eat." (Insecure, S01E02)

"Me and Nala were just about to go watch the Bare Bears."
"Care Bears, daddy."
"Uh-uh-uh-uh-uhhh! We use no C words, sweetheart. This a Blood house." (Insecure, S01E02)

"She know her A-B-Bs and shit." (Insecure, S01E02)

"I thought that was No Way Jose's less threatening cousin, Perhaps Not Jorge." (WWE Raw, 10-17-16)

"Ladies and gentlemen, Marcus Miles has just bought the entire bar tonight. So…we will no longer be serving drinks. He owns all the liquor in the club, and, uhh, I think he's leaving!" (Atlanta, S01E08)

Zoo Tycoon (Atlanta, S01E08)

"Nigerians, man…" (Atlanta, S01E08)

"Let's exchange information or something."
"Yeah! You can follow me on Instagram."
"Come on…"
"I'm for real gonna check out your music on SoundCloud." (Atlanta, S01E08)

Apropos of nothing, I re-scored Westworld's opening credits with The Weeknd's "Starboy":

Jon: How many seasons do you think The Walking Dead will run?Rory: 12.Jon: Oof. I'd be 40 when it ends.Jon: Chris Hardwick would be 50.

Jon: The Walking Dead is about to begin its seventh season and has already been renewed for an eighth.Jon: Stargate SG-1, currently the longest-running cable drama in history, ran 10 seasons.Jon: 12 may be low.

Jon: Norman Reedus is 47. How old do you think he will be when the inevitable Daryl spin-off ends?Jon: Over/under: Eligible for full Social Security benefits.

^ "What am I eating?" I wondered as I chipped away at it. $22.00/pound. Each rib weighs about 1.5 pounds.

Brisket (La Barbecue)Brisket (Frankin Barbecue)
—The gold stars are only for brisket with some fat. Lean brisket is trash, even Franklin's.

Steven and his friend Marissa drove up from San Antonio to help me eat the four pounds of Franklin brisket that I pre-ordered. We managed to eat about half of it. In retrospect, The Amazing Race's "eat four pounds of meat by yourself" Roadblock in season seven was mental.

I ordered the 10-course chef's tasting at (Barley Swine) and a root beer that was unpalatably rooty.

Jambalaya Baton (Baton Creole)traditional rice-based dish smothered with the "trinity" of cajun vegetables along with garlic, tomatoes, and cajun spices; deep-fried on a stick and drizzled with remoulade sauce

^ I dislike how its chunks of sausage are skewered on the stick.

Cajun Poutine (Baton Creole)seasoned waffle fries, melted brie cheese, badass brown gravy
—I ordered this to go and received the saddest box of waffle fries topped with a few slivers of congealed brie [gravy in a separate container].

Green Chile Queso and Chips (Torchy's Tacos)homemade chips with green chile queso topped off with guacamole, queso fresco, cilantro, and diablo hot sauce
—Torchy's queso, on the other hand, I still think about.

Fruit Cup (The Hightower)mexican marigold ice cream, clementine sorbet, watermelon granita, chili and lime powder
—"What a curious play on a fruit cup," I thought, not realizing that it is a play on a MEXICAN fruit cup.

'The Detroiter' Pizza (Via 313)smoked pepperoni under the cheese, natural casing pepperoni on top
—I knew that Detroit-style pizza was square, but was unaware that traditionally, a layer of pepperoni lines Detroit-style pizza crust – pepperoni under the cheese.

"I tried to make this fun. I even learned what Skrillex was." (Brooklyn Nine-Nine, S04E04)

"It's a perfect fall New York Day" – she says in what is clearly Downtown Los Angeles (New Girl, S06E04)

Coach (New Girl, S06E04)

WKRP (Channel Zero, S01E01)

Eva Air (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)

Ghost (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)

"Please call me by the English name I've chosen: Hennessy." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)

"Economy?"
"Plus." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)

"There are no pedophiles in Taiwan. People are too busy getting things done to have time for any hobbies." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)

"I guess I just have sweet blood." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)

"That's why you work at Kinko's in the first place – because you're shady." (Fresh Off the Boat, S03E01)

♫: Pixies – "Velouria" (Halt and Catch Fire, S03E09)

Chekov's floorboards (Halt and Catch Fire, S03E10)

♫: "The King of Wishful Thinking" (Halt and Catch Fire, S03E10)

♫: Bob Dylan – "New Morning" (Halt and Catch Fire, S03E10)

Halt and Catch Fire Season Grade: C

The Eric Andre Show's "We'll Be Right Back" music (Atlanta, S01E07)

"You ever heard my song 'Illuminati Sex'?" (Atlanta, S01E07)

Nileseyy Niles (Atlanta, S01E07)

"So how do you embrace your identity?"
"I dress a certain way. Patagonia. I wear a thick, brown leather belt. I like to envision myself after the surgery. 'Hey, excuse me, what IPA do you have on tap? Hey, did you see Game of Thrones last night?'" (Atlanta, S01E07)

"Excuse me, this is definitely the guy. He doesn't even live in the area. I've never seen him before." (Atlanta, S01E07)

"Rap is chickens coming home to roost." (Atlanta, S01E07)

"You hate women."
"[bleep], what?!" (Atlanta, S01E07)

"Most people don't realize their chakras in another universe." (Atlanta, S01E07)

"Come to our Liberty Centre and get a free juice and Nutella sandwich."
"When I called Ahmad, my life was going nowhere fast. After a Nutella sandwich and juice, my life's a lot better." (Atlanta, S01E07)

"If you'd like to be smart as a baby dolphin, call now." (Atlanta, S01E07)

And I just visited four cities. In September, Chris Jericho traveled from Tampa to Detroit to Kansas City to London to Hong Kong to Manila to Shanghai to Baltimore to Tampa in the span of nine days.

Idea: Airline miles, but for television. The more television you watch, the more points you earn. Redeem your points for free months of cable/satellite television or a video streaming service, or free tickets to films or sporting events. Earn double points when you watch scripted television live.

Rememberer
Architecture doubles as instrument in this collage of offbeat pop songs and live construction. Building as they play, the band members coax an array of uncanny sounds from a set of amplified eight-foot-long sheets of Styrofoam wall insulation.

Kings of War
In director Ivo van Hove's clever merging of the plays Henry V, Henry VI: Parts I, II and III, and Richard III, three Bardian power players enter the fluorescent-lit corridors of the present.

Pavement
Balletic refrains inspired by Boyz n the Hood and the historically black neighborhoods of Pittsburgh. Clips of the film's dialogue mix with the music of Handel and Sam Cooke.

Plexus
Entangled in a dense field of 5,000 black nylon wires, a single body moves, incandescent and strange.

"And they cheered for their hero, for they knew their burritos would be bland no longer." (Son of Zorn, S01E03)

"I've taken it upon myself to ensure that future generations will know the story of Alangulon, kicker of fat kids, haver of sadistic rage underneath his effeminate exterior, future castrater of Craig!" (Son of Zorn, S01E03)