How a person can live with his wife with kindness even if she has a lot of mistakes

By Shaykh Muhammad bin Hadi al-Madkhali

Translated By Abbas Abu Yahya

The Question:

This person says: may Allaah give you goodness – the Prophet –sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam– gave advice of living with your wives with kindness, so how can we bring about living with them with kindness if they have a lot of mistakes?

The Answer:

Living with them with kindness is firstly done with being patient with them, educating them, teaching them manners and getting them to adhere to the Sharia with the Book and the Sunnah.

Then after that it occurs with showing them love and affection, with good speech, living with them in a good way and giving gifts etc.

Then living with them with kindness also results with being gentle if there occurs a mistake from her.

Since indeed a woman bears in the home that which the man cannot bear so perhaps she may have pressure upon her which causes her to make a mistake.

So it is obligatory upon you to be kind towards her this is because Allaah -Jala wa Ala -said so, Allaah Ta’ala said:

وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ

So Allaah ordered to live with them in kindness, and keep well away from hitting her even if she made a mistake concerning a right of yours[3], indeed ‘Aeysha the mother of the believers –Radi Allaahu anha–said:

‘The Messenger of Allaah–sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam– never ever hit[4] a servant, or a woman.’[5]

The Prophet -alayhi as Sallat wa sallam- would sometimes teach his wives manners by boycotting them if there occurred a mistake.

So therefore, O brother the questioner, you should be kind in speech and action and you will find -In shaa Allah Tabaraka wa Ta’ala – goodness from your wife.

So if you were to be patient you would enjoy yourself with your wife even though she has crookedness in her and if you are not patient you will become anxious and worried then you will become angry and try to straighten her and perhaps break her and breaking her is divorcing her ‘let not a believing man hate a believing woman’.

The Prophet -alayhi as Sallat wa sallam- said :

إِنْ سَخِطَ مِنْهَا خُلُقًا رَضِيَ مِنْهَا خُلُقًا آخَرَ

‘If he does not like a characteristic of hers then he is pleased with another of her characteristics.’[6]

So it is obligatory upon you that if you see from her that which you do not like then you should remember that which she does from good beautiful actions and this causes those feelings to leave you – by Allaah’s permission -Tabaraka wa Ta’ala- and in this way companionship with living with kindness continues.’

‘This means, speak to them in a good way and make your actions and your appearance good as much as you can, just like you would love that from your partner, then you should deal with her as you would like to be dealt with, as Allaah Ta’ala said: << And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses, etc.) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect, etc.) to what is reasonable,>> and the Messenger of Allaah -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- said: ‘and the best of you are those who are best to their women.’ And from the Messenger’s mannerisms was that he would live with his wives in a beautiful way, always smiling, being playful with his family and being gentle with them, and spending on them and making his women laugh.’ [Taken from: ‘Tafseer al-Qur’aan al-Atheem’ 1/608]

Which means, make a place for excellence and Ihsaan in your dealings. Do not take all your rights, rather make things easy and do not make them difficult, and be pardoning in buying and selling, in settling a debt and times of need. And whoever necessitates upon himself this goodness achieves a lot of good and great good. And Allaah Knows best.’ [Bahtaja al-Qaloob al-Abraar wa Qarat Ayoon al-Akhbar’- No. 61 p.120]

[4] Shaykh AbdulMuhsin al-Abbad al-Badr said about this hadeeth in his explanation of Sunnan Abi Dawood:

‘The compiler mentions the hadeeth of ‘Aeysha -Radi Allaahu anha-:

‘That the Messenger of Allaah –sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam– never ever hit a servant, or a woman.’

That was because of his noble manners, he was forgiving and he –sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam– would live with his wives in a good way. An incident of hitting a servant, from those servants who used to serve him, never occurred. He –sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam– never hit any of his wives, rather he was gentle, merciful, forgiving and he –sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam– love and gentleness. This indicates to his –sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam– perfect mannerisms, even though there perhaps may have occurred transgression and matters by which some servants warranted reprimanding, however the Prophet’s –sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam– character and his way was gentle, forgiving and pardoning in his matters.’

[5] Collected by Muslim

[6] The full narration is : From Abu Hurairah -Radi Allaahu anhu- who said that the Messenger of Allaah -sallAllaahu alayhi wa sallam- said:

'‘Whoever sleeps while in a state of purification then an Angel spends the night in his garment, he does not wake up at any time during the night except that the Angel says: O Allaah forgive Your slave such and such since he went to sleep upon purification.’'

[Collected by Abdullaah ibn al-Mubarak in 'Hadeethihi' & 'Zuhd', and Albaani declared it to have a Hasan Isnaad in Silsilah Saheehah no. 2539]