A message from Tottenham Hotspur

It's that time of the year again folks. Tottenham Hotspur Football Club are proud to announce their annual summer sale. So roll up, roll up money grabbing football agents and steal yourself a nice little bargain!

Ahmed Mido - £4m - Thoroughbred fed on a diet of cigars and cheeseburgers. The 'Immovable Object' will cause maximum carnage in the oppositions box. By box, we mean canteen.

Hossom Ghaly - £4m (will accept bid between £2M and £3.5M) - Has a defect that results with stripping of clothes. **Star Buy!!** Can be loaned out for Hen Parties, gay stag-do's and anti-fur demonstrations.

** Special offer: Buy both Egyptians for a special £6M (Redknapp Voucher accepted). **

Paul Stalteri - £2m - Legacy issues relating to losing the ball in the last moments of the game resulting in conceding a Champions League placing point (on three or so occassions) has now been resolved and replaced with a 'dicking of small club in the last second' added value ability as seen at Upton Park last season.

SPECIAL AUCTION

We are also pleased to announce that the following lots have been made available by Tottenham Hotspur Football Club, but only under exceptional auction conditions. Again, all proceeds go to The Daniel Levy Beluga & Perrier Jouet Belle Epoque Foundation™.

Lot 1: Jermain Defoe (Reserve: £9m)

Lot 2: Jermaine Jenas (Reserve: £8m)

Lot 3: Pascal Chimbonda (Reserve: £10m)

* If reserves are not met, these lots shall remain the property of Tottenham Hotspur Football Club.

** Please multiply the above reserve estimates by 25% if you are a representative of West Ham United.

*** Please multiply by 45% if you are a representative of Chelsea FC.

The club would like to thank agents in advance of their continued support for this worthwhile cause. We are advising everyone to bid generously, confident in the fact you will not be disappointed with these quite superb value for money buys.

The trust expect to recoup a figure between £16m-£18m from this year's donations. That's some serious amount of Caviar and bubbly.