Monthly Archives: December 2013

Post navigation

Well, now that Christmas time has passed, I thought that we could take you through a thought process about the changing world, and how it affects us. We came to this thought process through a discussion about a gift to the father-unit on Christmas. See, it’s a tradition in my house for the mother-unit to get the old man a Sports Illustrated or some-such magazine, featuring the scantily-clad and well-endowed models that they get, these calenders have become something of a tradition that we can all laugh at in the nuclear family. However, that changed this year. This year, the scantily clad went even more scantily, if you know what I mean. We’re going to analyze why.

It all starts with the fall of the bookstores. See, the Internet has changed the world, for better and for always. It has changed the nature of business in this country, interaction and global communication. The biggest name if online retail is Amazon. It is a powerful and efficient little monster that we use to get our new animes, movies, TV shows (because Netflix just doesn’t look as good on my TV as DVD. 😛 ), books and random other stuff. Anyway, in addition to changing the way a lot of things are sold, Amazon has almost single-handedly killed bookstores.

Borders was the first to go. Waldenbooks fell soon after. The last of the major book retailers to be open is Barnes & Noble, and that’s just because it has a coffee shop in it. But that won’t save it for long. In addition, the down-home bookstores are also going the way of the dodo. It’s gotten to a point in some places where these places are openly asking for money. While that is sad, that’s also the cost of progress. However, with the fall of bookstores, the fall of sexy calenders is a natural reaction.

See, you didn’t find the sexy calenders at a typical retail store. They have to be careful about their image of being family-friendly. So instead, you would go to bookstores and find them. But, now that they are gone, these calenders are a natural thing that would be lost as well. Part of the course of history altering – sexy calenders are a victim. So sad, for…horny men who can’t find porn on the Internet.

At my job, we often find someone who gets the swimsuit issues of Sports Illustrated and takes them into a back corner. We often…get why they have them. But it always begs the question – if you are savvy enough to know what this is, where to find it and how to find a corner where you can fap and no one will notice, why not just look at real porn at home? It seems kind of a silly thing to do to come to a place where you could very easily get caught with your dick in your hand, when you could have a lot more privacy and comfort in your house. We have come up with a couple of possibilities for why people do this.

The first is that they don’t have Internet at their house. If only we nationalized Internet in America, then we could give everyone the chance to go home and fap in peace. Am I right?

The second is that they have a significant other who is not fond of their person fapping to women who aren’t them. But, if you have Internet, are you unable to find time when that person isn’t at home? Unless you’ve got Overly Attached Girlfriend (which, in reality, most are) living with you, they aren’t going to scour your computer for what you look at. The common argument that women use is that guys shouldn’t want anyone else. Yeah, sweetie, I’ll give you that same line when you are checking out a hot guy or enjoying movies with hot guys, eh?

The times certainly are a-changin’. It’s easy to see the major ways that things have changed, but it’s the little things that get you. Now, it will be a little bit trickier for people who are too shy to buy calenders with women without clothes to find calenders for women who might as well not have clothes. I mean, it’s all fake anyway. The wonders of Photoshop.

The colonies at Lagrange 5 were in charge of food production for the rest. They were among the most peaceful colonies, being very good about staying out of the war. Thus far, they maintained neutrality in the rising conflicts that were brewing. Each of these colonies were among the most famous for rich air that didn’t taste like it was recycled, along with real weather patterns that were made from the same machinery that was terraforming Mars. These colonies supplied almost 90% of all food for the others and was one of the few places where cargo shuttles could openly go to and from. Here, peace was a part of life.

One such colony was New Tuscany. Famous for its fruit and olive orchards, it was the third largest of the L5 colonies. The city was designed in the same style as the city it was named after, which no longer existed on Earth, following the rise of the Imperial Nation of America.
One of the houses belonged to a young woman named Madison. She was a fourth-generation Colonial, who was something of a black sheep in her family. Her parents, extended family and siblings were all farmers. She, on the other hand, was a master of the machine. Everything she touched became better. Most of her days were spent covered in grease and every other kind of fluid. A lot of their allocated shower water was used to clean her up at the end of the day. Thankfully, they were allocated more water than almost any other colony. It was a good life. But, her parents didn’t approve. The endless talks about shaping up and becoming a farmer, they got old after a while. Now, she did everything she could to stay away from the family. Easier said than done.

There were five ships in the fleet that was approaching the Colony. Inside, there was Rear Admiral Jude Archer, of the Red Guard, third fleet. This was only a fraction of his force.
“Admiral, we’ve reached New Tuscany,” their helmsman announced.
“Excellent! Bring us within range and request docking clearance! These neutral colonies are clearly becoming a breeding ground for Insurgents. Today, we’re going to amend that!”

True enough, New Tuscany held a sizable group of fighters who were loyal to the Colonial cause. However, these ones were different. They all had arm-bands with a green insignia on them.
A young woman came rushing in. “Boss, we’ve got Red Guard forces outside of the colony! They are requesting permission to dock!”
“The fuck?! What the hell do we do now?!” This sentiment was echoed by several in the room.
The leader was a much older and very calm man. He had a thick Italian accent, with gentle features.
“Be calm, brothers and sisters. Panic will get us nothing. We must hide our paraphernalia and weapons. We must leave NO trace of our bond with the Alliance! To do so would invite disaster! Do you understand?”
There were nods around the table.
“Good. We cannot speak, under any circumstances, while the Red Guard is here on the colony. If they apprehend you, do not resist! If they find nothing, they will have no right to hold you. Stand strong, my brethren! We can overcome this. The Earth will not break us today!”
There were murmurs of agreements.
“Now, get to your assigned tasks. We have little time. Dismissed!” Everyone took off, to get what needed to be done done.

Madison was at the dock when shuttles and fighters from the Red Guard fleet landed. They were all top-of-the-line, which was making her mouth water.
“Oh man,” she sighed to her partner, a young man who looked much younger than he was. “I wish I could peek beneath the hulls of those fighters just once! I mean, look at them! The interlocking hull mechanisms that allow it to change shape, the particle beams, the Nova Engines!” Her hips started rocking back and forth. “I would do ANYTHING to be able to take one of those apart and put it back together again.”
Her partner was weirded out. “Uh, yeah. I think you may be just a little bit obsessed with this stuff, Madison.”
She gave him a dark look. “If you think that, then clearly you don’t have the love of this art that I do.”
“Art?”
“Damn right! Repairing machines is an art, not a science! The small components, finding problems, feeling if your machine is working right or wrong. You can’t do that kind of worth without soul!”
The man shook his head. “You’re weird, boss.”
“And don’t you forget it!”
It was then that Archer saw the two of them, looking over at the fighters. He grabbed the man who ran the port.
“Who are they?”
The man smiled as he looked at the two, still talking about their love of the Red Guard’s vehicles. “Those are our two best mechanics, sir! The one on the left is David Grant, the one on the right is Madison Croft. They are a great team, those ones. The best mechanics that I’ve ever seen.”
A cold look came to Archer’s face. “Is that so?” He walked over to the robotic maintenance unit, called a Labor, that they were working on. “You two, tell me – what do you think about those vehicles?”
Madison smiled brightly. “Can’t say much for the shuttle. Those are all pretty much the same, but those fighters! Variance, 5th generation, each one balanced for all kinds of fighting. They use 7th generation Nova Engines. Without a closer look, I couldn’t tell you what their speed or weapon power capabilities are, though it looks like they are made to fight, rather than run, so my guess is not very fast and able to fight.”
Her partner looked proud, but the Admiral’s face was cold. “Indeed. You are very knowledgeable.” He looked to his first officer. “I want these two arrested, on suspicion of collaborating with the Insurgents!”
“What the fuck?!” her partner demanded.
“Why are you doing this?!”
Even the head of the port was confused. “Sir, these two are just port mechanics! I’m sure that they aren’t with any insurgency!”
Archer turned on him. “We have it on good authority that members of the insurgency are hiding out on this colony! We are not taking any chances with potential risks. And she clearly knows FAR more than she should about this topic! Put both of them in cuffs and take them to the local lock-up. We shall take them with us when we leave!”
Neither of them knew what to think as they were slapped with handcuffs and dragged off. It was turning into a very bad day, very quickly.

The Red Guard’s security forces made their way into New Tuscany, letting out an all-call that the residents of the colony should prepare for their homes to be inspected. So many people were scared, others were angry. But there was one who appeared aloof to it all. He was a young man, with short and wild black hair that he covered in a beanie. He was letting his leg hang over the roof of a house, smiling at all of what was happening. He never cared about what people did. Way he saw it, they were just human. Why should he care?

Madison was thrown into lock-up, along with almost a dozen other people.
“Hey man, what the fuck is this about?!”
“We didn’t do nothin’ to you, asshole!”
“Let us out of here!”
The noise was getting louder. She just wanted to curl up into a corner and cry. She was in jail and it was obvious that they weren’t going to be the only ones. Two hours passed, with more and more people being thrown into lock-up. She heard the guards talking about trucks to move them onto dropships, to be taken back to Archer’s fleet. She was scared. Everyone was.

Outside, members of the resistance force were moving fast. It was clear that the Red Guard was going to take everyone who even looked at them wrong. Already, 200 people had been apprehended, including some of their own who just were at the wrong place at the wrong time. That led some of them to come together.
“I respect Dakota. Really, I do. But we can’t just sit here and let them all these innocent people away!”
A less emotional member spoke up. “But what could we do against them? They have a whole army in here! How could we possibly combat that?”
It was then that a woman came in. She was older, with an armband with the same green insignia on it. “I think I have an answer to that, comrades!”

Coming up from another colony, there were battleships on the move. They were the same dark green color as the armband symbols, except these ones had the same symbol in black on the side of their ships. The symbol looked like a dragon.

“When you get the signal, that’s when you begin your assault! Remember, you have the Colonial Alliance behind you! We shall let the Red Guard know that there are consequences to abusing the people of the Colonies!”
Everyone was nodding, looking proud. They were about to get the revenge they had so wanted.
They went out, finding all of their weapon caches and doling them out to members of their group.
“Alright, we wait for the Alliance Captain’s word! Once the attack begins in space, we strike!”
“Glory to the Colonies!” It was a line several repeated.

Onboard the lead ship in the Alliance fleet, there was an older woman. She was very old, but clearly a warrior. “Alright, we have their patrol ships in range! Target the nearest one and fire! Signal our ships on the other flank to do the same.”
“Yes ma’am!”
From the ships to the front, their main batteries were charging light green particles. The beams lanced out, smashing into the Red Guard’s ships. They didn’t even get a chance to respond before variance fighters moved in and sent special massive torpedoes at the battleships. Their hulls were smashed open. They looked like mangled beasts as oxygen flowed out.

Indeed, the battle was a lot more even than the one against the black ships. In fact, if they hadn’t gotten the jump on them, this may have been a fight that took both sides out. Meanwhile, inside the colony, the resistance forces made their move. Their forces took to the streets. The battle quickly devolved into an all-out free-for-all, with both sides getting torn to pieces. The inside of the colony was becoming filled with smoke and screams.
Archer stood with his subordinates, his face filled with rage. “So, what’s how they want to play this? Well fine! Begin attacking the civilian population! They didn’t give up the Insurgents, so they are clearly in league with them. Purge the entire colony!”
His soldiers looked apprehensive.
“I gave you all an order, dammit! Now follow it!”
They saluted, moving out.
That was when the shit really hit the fan. Their vehicles and ground troops started opening fire on the crowd, searching houses and attacking. New Tuscany was being turned into a bloodbath.

Inside the jail, the door opened. Several troops came in, aiming at those in the cells.
“What the hell are you doing?!”
“Please, I’m just a farmer! I have a wife and child! Please don’t this!”
Right as they were about to fire, the door blew open. The man in the hat came in, flames moving up his arms. He sent fireballs at the troops, blasting them apart. There were the dull sobs of them dying on the ground as he put his hand on the lock. It heated up, starting to melt. The door suddenly burst open.
“Anybody else what to get the fuck out of here?”
They all went running, except for Madison, who ran over to the man.
“You’re a Special, aren’t you?!” There was awe in her voice.
He smiled at her. “You bet! Normally, I don’t get involved with the going-ons of normal people, but these soldiers, they’re fucking animals! You all need to get out of here. I’m going to do what I can to stop the attack on the civilians. In the meantime, get as many people as you can to the port and into shuttles. Trust me, they’ll be safe. The Red Guard is a little busy right now.”
He walked out of the jail, seeing several soldiers chasing down a father and his children. The man’s lip turned into a snarl.
“Is this it?! Is this what you are suppose to be fighting for?! Killing an innocent man and his kids?!” In a flash, he was upon them, slamming his fist into the head of the first. A flaming projectile came from it, blowing half of the man’s head apart. The second wheeled around, but was too late. Another fist hit him in the chest, damn-near tearing the man in half. Several more soldiers came running over.
“Come on, fuckers! I ain’t scared of none of ya!” Smoke trailed him as he went charging in.

The snow had stopped, which was a boon to the young detective who was arriving at the scene of the crime. It was a very quiet affair. Most people were in their houses. The scene was a suburban road. The kind of wealth that made them have beautiful shimmering houses. Indeed, the entire neighborhood was lit up. The car stopped just outside of the tape that was cornering off the scene. There was a blanket over the victim. Some numbers places where clues were.
As he got out of the car, a number of things struck him as odd. The first was – no skid marks. If this was a hit-and-run, why was there no evidence of a car. There was almost no evidence marking at all, and what they had was bare-bones. Something was wrong here. His partner caught sight of him and ran over.
“You picked a hell of a night to drop this on me, Jack! I was enjoying Christina getting drunk at the party down at the station.”
His partner was an older man, with a rather amused look. “Seriously?! You do realize that she loses all control when she’s drunk, right?”
“Why the fuck do you think I wanted to be there?! I remember the party last year, where she was dancing naked on the copier machine.”
“You’re a lonely man, Frank.”
He rolled his eyes. “I’m a cop in this town. I might as well have ‘piece of shit’ labelled on my forehead. Besides, seeing her get funky is the only gift I’m getting this year. Might as well let me enjoy it.”
His partner shook his head. “Well, sorry to ruin your fun, but we have a case.”
“So I see. What do we know?”
The man took out a notepad. “Well, the victim is a Caucasian, elderly female. Name is Eleanor Rigby. She came from a family gathering just down the road. Her house is not too far away. According to the family, they had asked her not to leave, but she was rather intoxicated.”
“That’s an understatement!” a young woman yelled from the body. She was an EMT, and the two knew her to be quite the perceptive mind.
“What do you mean?” Frank asked.
“Her blood-alcohol levels were almost four times the legal limit! At her age, she should be a push away from the grave! How she was walking at all is a miracle of evolution.”
The two cops chuckled, looking back at their notes.
“So, what’s the cause of death?”
The EMT pulled back the blanket. Her outfit was clearly smashed by something. “You’re gonna like this.” She lifted up the back, showing huge bruising around what appeared to be animal tracks. “Cause of death was internal injury, following an impact at high speeds. For real, whatever did this must have been really flying through the snow, because her bones are crushed where they hit!”
The younger detective looked around. “I don’t see any animal tracks. And what the hell did this? Those prints are WAY too big to be a deer. We ain’t got any moose this way. An elk?”
The older detective gave him a look. “Do you really think that an elk would be wandering around richville and nobody would think to call the police?”
The EMT shook her head. “I don’t know, guys. Ain’t no marks anywhere of an animal here. It’s like whatever hit her just up and vanished.”
They all sat there, looking at the body.
“So, what, did Santa Claus and his reindeer just smash into her and ditch? Do we have a sleigh-and-run?”
Both the EMT and younger detective chuckled.
They saw the family looking at the body from the tape. The grandfather appeared to be in high spirits.
“Well, he certainly seems happy. Motive for murder?”
The others looked at him.
“Like we could get anything from that. This case is fucking weird!”
The younger detective let out a sigh. “Alright, I’m calling it. This was an animal attack. Any potential evidence was lost in the storm. Unless either of you can give me something more, I want to clear this case and be done with it. Plus, it’s weird to have a dead body in the middle of the street on Christmas Eve.”
The older detective gave him another look. “No way that the coroner would buy this!”
He snorted. “Are you kidding?! The girl who’s working there tonight is the most lonely person on the planet.”
The man smiled at his partner. “Hey, maybe there’s a potential gift for Christmas. Head on down and see her. See if you can’t stuff your stocking.” There was a wink.
“She’s barely out of college! Talk about cradle-robbing!”
“Hey, she’s cute, lonely and probably looking for a way to make the hours go by faster. I say, you got nothing to lose.”
Frank nodded, smiling. “What do I have to lose? What about you, man? What do you have planned?”
He pointed to the ring on his finger. “Unlike some people, I’ve got a wife!”
He looked at the EMT. “You?”
“I got a boyfriend. You’re on your own. Good luck with the coroner. I hear she’s kind of a freak!”
That got him smiling. “I got no problems with that.” They loaded the woman into a body bag, putting her on a stretcher and putting her in the ambulance.

He got to the station and suddenly got a text message.Tell her that you’re into Ouran High School Host Club. It will peel her panties off. Sorry about the mess. Fucking Rudolph! -SC
The man burst out laughing, rolling his eyes. But it was still good advice. It did turn out to be a very good Christmas after all.

If you’re anything like me, you have this time roll around and you think to yourself – ugh, this again. You do the same song and dance every year, and most likely it has gotten old. So, you have started to let your negativity shine. Naturally, this leads people to get very upset and say that you are ruining their holiday for them. Which leads to more fights, giant circles of conflict. It’s annoying as shit. So, here are some helpful tips to have you being able to hate on this holiday as much as you like, with nobody knowing the truth.

1. Find things to nitpick
Now, how you do this has to be very delicate. Find little things that people like, then find ways to show that it is not what people think. For example, that song, “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” is not what people think. It’s all about a dude trying to get laid. For real, he’s trying to convince her to stay around so that he can get into her pants. Or how about the 12 Days of Christmas song? Who the fuck are those gifts for?! What crazy woman would want that stuff?! If you can find little things like that, showing how ridiculous they are, it gets a mood of amusement, while you are still attacking the holiday.

2. Replace their Christmas music
Follow me on this. If they have a CD player or whatever that has a random play setting, put in some of old-school rock or what-have-you and have it randomly play, freaking people the hell out. If you want to be really mean, you could put on some Britney Spears or Miley Cyrus. Given how butthurt people get about this stuff, that’s a great way to sabotage the good times! Hopefully you have some family who can take a joke. Otherwise, it just gets more awkward.

3. Make light displays negative
If you have a family that does light displays, find ways that you can subtly screw with it and have fun. If there is Santa and his reindeer, line them up so it looks like Santa is doing things to Rudolph’s ass. If you have lights spelling things, change it around so there is new spelling. Like take the phrase “Merry Christmas” and turn it into “Happy Festivus.” Little touches like that go a long way. Or, there is the class “Metal Christmas.” If you have a poster of Iron Maiden or someone like that, it would help, to show the point. Which reminds me…

4. Tamper with the decorations.
Since the average parent stops admiring their home while they are busy preparing something else, this gives you the chance to fuck with their decorations. It’s the same principle as the lights outside, except now it is guests that you can mess with. With the nativity scene, have fun. With the one I have here, I could make it so that it looks like the three wise guys are making out with their camels. There are a lot of potential new ways you could make a Nativity tell a story. The possibilities are endless. Let your creativity guide you! Maybe have Santa having a good time with the Virgin Mary. After all, no concept is limited, except by the creativity of the artist.

5. Cookies are your canvas
If your family does cookies, with decorations and frosting, you are looking at a chance to endlessly fuck with people. Here, you truly are only limited by your creativity. My personal recommendations – turn Santa into the Joker, take a few cues from Riddler and make question marks on things. That serves two purposes – to mess with decorations, and to get the less intelligent members of your family to be confused about what it means. Idiots. Make trees and stars into bleeding metal creations with metal or emo designs. Black is your friend.

6. If they have you dress up, torment them
Some families have some really freaky traditions when it comes to Christmas attire. If your parents or relatives want you to wear the god-awful Christmas crap that they gave you, you can do that. But now you have the ability to drive them nuts with it. Because you won’t just wear the sweater. You will get fake antlers that light up, a Christmas light-up tie, the whole nine yards. Then, you sit next to the person who you wish to torment and start random conversations, not once acknowledging the git-up you are wearing. It will drive them nuts! Trust me. It’ll be the big elephant in the room that someone will eventually blow up about. And when they do, still don’t acknowledge it. Continue talking like they never said anything. If your pride is looking to get in the way of this idea, fight it. Fight your pride. It will be worth it.

But if there is one piece of advice above all others, it’s this –

7. Sharpen your sarcasm into a deadly weapon
Your wit had better be working, because your single purpose on the day when you have to be with the rest of the family is to have endless jabs that they don’t get, or are confused about. After all, you don’t want to be around them anymore than they want to be around you. So you might as well make good sport of it. Granted, some of them may call you out, but that’s when your wit will shine, when you can turn their anger against them. Witty repartee must be your single greatest cause, because it will make the day pass by that much faster.

Did you get all that? Hopefully you did. No go out there and fuck with your family this and every holiday season!

Until next time, a quote,

“Well, I’m sure Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples.” -Frank Cross, Scrooged

Alright, people, I did one of these last year, and I thought I would do one this year. However, that said, I have a lot of reservations about this list. The first is that I don’t have any of the new consoles, which is how I game. The reason is – I’m poor. There are a lot of great games that are still coming out on the current generation, which is good (and really smart for developers), and some games where there is a fuck-ton of debate on which console they are coming out on. One on my list, I hope is coming out on Xbox 360, because I am not getting the Xbox One. The creepy camera that recognizes your face and watches you. Yeah, Big Brother is the nice word for it. But, there are games on the next-gen consoles that do interest me, and I want to play. For the games that are exclusively next-gen, they are going to be at the bottom of my list. It’s nothing personal, but I can’t afford them, yet. That said, here we go.

10. The Order: 1886
What do you get when you cross steampunk, vampires and some pretty badass knights? You get a game that has captured my attention. The fact that it is PS4 exclusive is a little annoying, but whatever. This game has style and grace. While I haven’t been able to see gameplay yet, it has at least held my attention, which is more than I cay say for most games. The setting looks great, the combat looks cool, provided that the trailer says something for the game itself. Victorian England always makes for a fun setting. I have high hopes. I hope the game meets expectations.

9. The Witness
The people who made Braid have decided to come back and give us another Indie puzzle-platformer, only this time, it’s in three dimensions. What I have seen of the gameplay, setting and style of this game is great. It’s got great use of color, the aesthetic design is neat and there is still a sense that you are solving something. The bright and shiny world is hiding some dark secrets. I am certain of it. It is the people who made Braid, after all. I’m excited to see what this game becomes, since everyone is being tight-lipped about it. Something tells me that the final product won’t disappoint.

8. Thief
Man, here is a franchise that has DEFINITELY needed a breath of fresh air. And thus far, it looks like the next generation of consoles will give it just that. These games are among the best stealth games of all time, and the demos I have seen of this one are showing that this will be no exception. With Eidos Montreal being the lead force behind this game, I have high expectations. Thankfully, they have proven that they know what they are doing and get the job done. It’s been so long since I have played a game with this name, it is good to see this game making its big debut. Hopefully they will put a HUGE emphasis on stealth and give you lots of toys to get it done.

7. Infamous: Second Son
This is a game that I want to play for the exact same reason as I got the reboot of Devil May Cry – combat. Only difference here is – I get to blow shit up. Lots and lots and lots of shit. It looks awesome. I am so stoked. While it is PS4 exclusive, I am still looking forward to it, whenever I get around to playing it. A new character, a new setting and some awesome new talents. This game definitely has a lot going for it. An anti-hero character, fighting against the government and blowing shit up. What’s not to like?

6. Halo 5 (Maybe)
So, here’s the thing – there is a LOT of talk around the water cooler that this game is going to come out for the Xbox 360. The common argument I hear against that is – these games are system sellers. I agree. But then, if that was the case – why not debut this game with the new system? For real, this game would sell consoles. It looks awesome! With how awesome Halo 4 was, breathing new life into this franchise, a sequel would be a game that would, sure as shit, sell systems. The PS4 would have gotten a head start, but Microsoft could have recouped their losses with a new Halo as a premier game. A launch title by a studio who does good work. Plus, releasing this on Xbox 360 is smart! I’m not alone is being poor as shit and not getting a new console right off the bat. Having this game come out on the last generation, maybe as a swan song for it, would be a good move, and the money would roll in for Microsoft, while they would also have the next gen gamers also getting it as well. It’s a smart business choice. We’ll see what happens. I hope it does come out on the Xbox 360. I’d be all OVER that!

5. Tales of Xillia 2
For those who read a post I wrote about my hatred for the ending of the first iteration, let me explain – this game looks good. For real, that’s it. The first game, ending issues aside, was a VERY solid game in the Tales franchise. The previews I have seen for a sequel have looked pretty damn good too. I am excited to play this game. Here’s hoping that the issues with the ending get better. Since there are so many plot issues that are unresolved, that just makes me even more excited to play it. This game is going to be one of the best things, provided that the same love and attention that was given to the original is paid to this one as well.

4. Tomb Raider 2
A game that is as tight-lipped as is possible for a game to be is being made. It’s this one. Every single person and their brother has questions. Everyone wants to know where the story of Lara Croft is going next. After how good the reboot was, the sequel anticipation is sky-high. Hopefully they keep with the darker nature of these games. It was a good look the first time, I have no doubt that it will go well again. I don’t have much more to say than that, because we don’t have any definitive information. But, I am excited in the 10th degree.

3. Watch Dogs
One of the games I was excited for last year, them pushing it back to this year just makes it better. Hopefully they pushed it back to spit and polish everything that they could on this game. I am not pre-ordering this one, as I want to see what it ends up being first, but I have a lot of excitement. A spy game where technology is your oyster. The concept has been making me super-happy, and the addition of some kick-ass combat helps a lot. All-in-all, I am excited, and I hope that the rest of you are too. I view this game as a kind of pre-cyber punk. Like they are headed there, but not yet. I’ve already talked about this game before, so I’ll leave it at that. I am so excited.

2. The Last of Us: Left Behind
Surprised? A DLC add-on to be on this list? I make it no secret that I believe The Last of Us to be the best game of this year, without any contenders in its class. This was a game that was mature (as in emotionally and intellectually, not with blood and boobs), dark and left you with all kinds of feels, from start to finish. This was a game that rose above what all the others like it tried to do, and succeeded. Now, this DLC has got my attention in ways you can’t believe. I am hoping that they don’t have this as like an add-on to the game. I hope they are able to slip this directly into the campaign, that way it will give me an excuse to play the game again to get to it. I get the feeling that this was what Joel was talking about before the final act, when he said “the building the Firefly mentioned.” I am certain that this game will be worthy of its name. Naughty Dog knows what they are doing. I hope the rest of you are as excited as I am.

And the game that I am most looking forward to next year is…

1. The Evil Within
What do you get when you combine the original creator of Resident Evil, who wants to erase the stink of his creation that has become such garbage, and Bethesda Software, who has made some of the best games ever and combine them together? You get a game that is already giving me chills. From the first live-action teaser (linked above), to the gameplay footage from E3 this year, this game is on the top of a lot of people’s lists, and it is on top of mine as well. A surreal game that finally looking to be survival back into survival horror. I can’t begin to tell you how excited I am for this game. Thus far, all of my top picks have been games that were worthy picks. I am hoping that this game will add itself to that pedigree.

Honorable Mention: Final Fantasy XV
A game that I was THIS close to writing off as vaporware came back with a vengeance this year. I am hoping, beyond all hope that this game will make it next year, but from what I am reading about delays and budget problems at Square Enix, it is looking more and more likely that this game will be coming out in Early 2015. But I am hoping. It may be a next-gen only game, but let me tell you – this game alone is making me want to get a PS4. For real, this is selling me that system. I am so excited. I hope the rest of you are too. This is the Final Fantasy that everyone has been hoping for. A chance to redeem XIII and all of that bullshit, with ANOTHER cash-grab sequel to that coming out. This game looks to remedy all of the ugly history. I can’t wait!

Okay, you know what, I didn’t want to do this. I made my opinion known on Facebook, in a very brief post, and that was that. I was going to do such on my Tumblr too, but you know what, after I have heard SO much conservative stupiditarded bullshit that has been thrown out after all this, that I am going to make my own response. Here’s the brief version – shut the fuck up. This isn’t a free speech problem.

I know that a dozen of you are wanting to jump on the gun and attack me, so let’s expand this. The reality of what has happened is that this guy from that piece of shit (and completely FAKE!) show Duck Dynasty made a lot of remarks about what he sees homosexuality as. They fall in line with the usual BS you hear from Republicans about what God wants and all that. Blah-blah-blah, right? But in the end, this has absolutely jack-all to do with what was said on that show. For real, this boils down something much simpler than that. As I said, this isn’t a free speech problem.

Does anyone remember Paula Deen and her using a certain racial epithet on her cooking show? I noticed that she didn’t have NEARLY the conservatarded support that Phil who-gives-a-fuck does. The network she was on had just as much right to get rid of her as A&E had to get rid of Phil. Everyone who is talking about this being a free speech thing has to keep this in mind – the government isn’t paying for this network. For real, this network is privately owned. That means that they can fire somebody for almost any reason they damn-well please. They could have fired him if he had said, “I love My Little Pony!” So yeah, this whole thing boils down to a private company, in the free market, making a free market decision. Weren’t all of you conservatards behind that? Wasn’t the free market the thing you jerked off to at night?

For all the conservatives who are for this, were you on Martin Bashir’s side when he bashed Sarah Palin? How about the Dixie Chicks when they bashed George Bush II (this time, it’s stupid!)? Or maybe Paula Deen? I heard some out there, but it turns out, once a certain word is used, the right-wing loony-tunes are not so quick to defend. Every time someone bashing one of your people uses their right to free speech, you are up in arms, but when someone you like does it, you think the Constitution has your back.

The fact is, this is a non-issue. For real, this doesn’t have shit to do with shit. This was the free market in action, and if you don’t like it, too damn bad. Phil Who-Gives-a-Fuck used his right to free speech, and the free market decided that he was not what A&E wanted, so they cut him loose. Simple as that. This whole thing about this being a Constitutional issue is so dumb that it hurts. So long as this is a private business, they can fire his ass whenever they want. If he doesn’t like it, he can sue.

Though that would serve no purpose. This guy was already loaded before he came on to this show, because it is completely and utterly fake. A narrative given to him by A&E to make people not know that a couple years before he was on this show, he was a clean-shaven white-collar yuppie. Oh, did you not know? Sorry to pull back the curtain. Check out the linked video above for proof.

Until next time, a quote,

“At this point, I have a request for our fans. If you, in any way, hate homosexuals, people of different color or women, please do us this one favor – leave us the fuck alone! Don’t come to our shows and don’t buy our records.” -Kurt Cobain

Ah, another year, another bout into the fantasy land that Fox News lives in. A fantasy land where Christmas isn’t this giant-ass all-engulfing holiday that has gotten so big that it is eating other holidays. A land where it is on its last legs and in danger of being completely destroyed by us heathen atheists, Santa is getting the shit kicked out of him in an alley and the Virgin Mary is getting butt-fucked by the Wise Men. Yes, that reality. It’s a scary place, for those who are too stupid to get outside of it. We call these people – Fox News viewers. An almost-exclusively senior-citizen demographic who watches this while they are sitting in their houses and drinking milk of magnesia.

This year, we have had a couple of interesting twists. The first is that Gretchen Who-Gives-a-Fuck, the loudest yearly voice of Christmas-is-going-to-die crowd, went off about a Festivus Pole that went up in Florida. I’m with Jon Stewart when I say – in Florida, we’re lucky that there wasn’t a stripper using that pole! See, apparently, Gretchen drives around, with her children, and looks for Nativity scenes. That’s…creepy and weird. Like, I’m not even kidding here – that is really fucking weird. Who does that? I know people who drive around looking for cool light displays. I admire them when I come upon them as I’m getting from A to B, but I don’t search for them. In those cases, yeah, those are cool. But who just goes around looking for random Nativity scenes? Is the goal to critique them? Is Gretchen with her children like, “Oh, the nerve! They have the Baby Jesus behind Mary and Joseph! The audacity! He should be in front because he is the son of Gawd and the greatest thing ever! I am so offended right now!” You know, given the butt-hurt nature of Fox News and its viewers, I’m probably not too far off on this.

Next up, Megyn Kelly decided to get herself some butthurt when she was talking about an article on Slate.com, referring to how Santa has always been a white guy, and they think that should change it to a penguin. Kelly, of course, insisted on her show that Santa Claus is white. For real, he just is. That was her entire argument – Santa Claus is real, while, and that’s just how it works. I’m flabbergasted. Oh, and Jesus is real too, and also white. She threw that in and emphasized it, to make sure.

As you can imagine, pretty much everybody came after her for this. I mean, how could they not? For one, who was she talking to? She went out of her way to make sure that the little children knew that Santa was real and that he was white, and so was Jesus. What children are watching her show? Jon Stewart went after it best (see link above), but for me, I am just confused.

I’m confused for a couple of reasons. I mean, at what point did Fox News actually start to believe that children are watching their crap? That’s not a rhetorical question. I really want to know why they believe that children actually have see this show. Fox News has gone so far out of their way to pander to their major demographic – ancient-ass people. It’s the reason that they have worked so hard at hating on Obama. Because they want to appeal to the people who think that (and I want to be clear about what they think, so a word is coming up that you won’t like) the nigger should get out of the White House. That’s their audience. They will do everything in their power not to say what they know people want to hear, but go as close as they can. Granted, that was in the early days, before liberals like me had a ton of good reasons to hate on Obama too.

Then, she actually believes that there are children watching her show who actually believe in Santa? And think he’s white? And care that he is portrayed that way? So, she believes that innocent, socially aware racists watch her show? Really?!

Naturally, after everyone went after her in a big way, Kelly then decided to pass all of it off as a joke. For real, her defense was that nobody else has a sense of humor, because, in her mind, it was so clear that she was joking. That is the defense of her insanity. There are no words.

I naturally have come to accept that the Fox News octogenarian audience isn’t smart enough to do any amount of thinking for themselves, but this whole affair just baffles me because of the fact that they have a gift, a fucking gift, at making themselves into this horribly oppressed creature who we should all feel sorry for. Never mind that Megyn Kelly was NOT joking! Or that Fox News is so shamelessly good at pandering. Let’s set all that aside. Here is what you can take away from all this – they are ALL full of shit! Not one of their people buys into all this. It’s all a show so they can get phenomenally rich by telling stupid people EXACTLY what they want to hear. This “War on Christmas” bullshit that they spew is nothing but stuff they dredge up to make a big fuss about, so the soup-eating seniors who watch it can go to bed afraid and thinking the world is going to end – as they always do.

The Fox News audience must be such a lonely and terrified creature. It almost makes me feel sorry for them.

Almost, being the operative word.

Until next time, a quote,

“Actually, I think that’s the official slogan of oppression. Oppression – Just because it makes you feel uncomfortable, doesn’t mean it has to change.” -Jon Stewart, The Daily Show