Once upon a time there was a princess who had a lovely garden. She really loved it and spent a lot of time playing in the garden.

One day, one of the guard suddenly got an idea. He buried himself under the ground and only let his didi stuck out like a mushroom.

The princess was really surprised to find a weird looking mushroom that she had never seen before in her beloved garden. Out of curiosity she began to poke it, pull it and became really surprised when the mushroom seemed to respond to her touch. It must be a magical mushroom she thought and began to roughly pulling at it and etc. Suddenly a weird white liquid splurt out of the mushroom and it began to wilt again. "What a weird kind of plant this is" she thought to herself self while rubbing the gooey white liquid.

That night surrounded by his colleagues the guard proudly boasted how he got the princess to play with his didi until he came all over her. Enthusiasms ran high in the barracks that night with none of them getting a wink of sleep at all.

The next morning, the princess enthusiastically rushed to her garden to experiment more with her new magical mushroom but to her surprise, she found her whole garden invaded by this weird mushroom.

Her assistant, seeing the princess stunned by the sudden invasion of the mushroom on her lovely garden began to shout orders.

"CALL THE ROYAL GARDENER AND GET A LAWNMOWER TO CLEAR ALL THESE MUSHROOMS!"

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama...

The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, "When you shake hand with President Obama, please say 'How are you?'. Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'Me too'. Afterward we, translators, will do the work for you."

It looks quite simple, but the truth is...

When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said 'Who are you?' (Instead of 'How are you?'.)

Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor: 'Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha...'

Why did the chicken cross the road? Every famous and powerful person has different answers and grounds.

GEORGE W BUSH
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

AL GORE
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represents the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater
services to the American people.

HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

MOHAMMED ALDOURI (Iraq's ambassador)
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We don't even have a chicken.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it

HELEN CLARK
Unless the chicken had UN approval to cross, this is a blatant breach of international law.

MARIAN HOBBS
Chickens must get resource consent to cross roads. Officials from the Ministry for the Environment will investigate the activities of this chicken.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, The chicken crossed the road. But why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain. Alone.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

JOHN LENNON
Imagine - chickens crossing roads everywhere - in peace.

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

BILL GATES
I have just released e-Chicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.

After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge love bite on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!

Hell, she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her BRA and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each one of her...He gently pinches them as well. He pushes her assets together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her assets, removes his hands, and says. "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

Sunday, August 26, 2012

A boy and his father visiting from Burkina Faso were at a large multi-story shopping mall in Portland, Oregon. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, father?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles lit up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year-old woman stepped out.

Friday, August 24, 2012

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.

“You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

“Well, did you see this?”

“Yes,” motioned the monkey.

“What happened?”

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

A lady gets on a public bus. Without saying a word, she gestures to the bus driver by sticking her thumb on her nose and waving her fingers at the driver. The driver acknowledges the lady, turns to her and uses both hands in the same type of gesture and waves all his fingers at her.

The woman holds her right arm out at the driver and chops at it a few times with her left hand. Then the driver puts his left hand on his right bicep and jerks his right arm up in a fist at her. The woman then cups both of her hands under her breasts and lifts gently. So the driver places both of his hands at his crotch and gently lifts up.

Then the woman frowns, runs a finger up between her derriere, and gets off the bus.

There is another woman sitting in the front row of the bus who witnessed the whole exchange. She speaks up, "That was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen on a public bus! What the hell were you doing?"

"Listen lady," states the gruff bus driver, "the lady that got on the bus before was a deaf-mute. She asked me if the bus went to 5th Street. I said no, we go to 10th Street. She asked if we make many stops. I told her that this was the express. She asked if we go by the dairy, and I told her we go by the ballpark. She said "Sh#t, I'm on the wrong bus!" and got off."

Thursday, August 9, 2012

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapsed to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital . A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

He replied, "No money in the bank."

Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

A husband and his wife were touring their brand new house. It was a house that the husband had paid for with his money, a fact of which he constantly reminded his wife. In each room of the house he said to her : "Darling, if it were not for my money, we would not be here."

The wife didn't say a word.

That afternoon a truck delivered a load of new furniture... furniture which the husband paid for with his money. After the furniture was in its place, they toured the house again. As they observed each room, beautifully appointed and magnificently decorated, the husband again reminded her: "Darling, if it were not for my money, this furniture would not be here."

Again, the wife was silent.

Late in the afternoon another truck came with a special piece of furniture which was to be the focal point of the family room. It was a combination stereo-television-computer center all wrapped into one gorgeous piece of furniture. The husband paid for it with his money. When it was in place, the husband again said: "Darling, if it were not for my money, that beautiful electronics system would not be here."

Finally, the wife spoke: "Honey, I don't want to make you feel bad, but... if it were not for your money, I wouldn't be here either!"