Monday, January 12, 2009

While Frank McCourt has thus far resisted selling the naming rights to Dodger Stadium itself, the Dodgers have announced they are open to branding opportunities for individual sections of the stadium complex. And as the economy continues to swirl down the toilet, you can bet we'll see some of that advertising popping up soon.

Like getting peanut butter in one's chocolate (and vice versa), we at SoSG took the time to imagine some of our favorite products and services colliding with the home of our favorite baseball team:

1. NESTLÉ TOLL HOUSE Warning Track (above). A warning track composed of raw cookie dough would actually represent an improvement, both in playability as well as taste, over the oft-maligned rubberized version of the 1990's. Bonus: No more munchies for bored outfielders! (Somewhere Andruw Jones weeps.)

2. Parking Lot Brought to You by TRADER JOE'S. At last, a naming rights issue near and dear to McCourt's tiny, tiny heart. Unfortunately, in keeping with the ridiculously cramped parking situation at EVERY SINGLE TRADER JOE'S EVER, Dodger Stadium's 16,000 parking spaces will be reduced to a more thematically appropriate 20. Carpooling is encouraged.

3. LIPITOR All-You-Can-Eat Pavilion. Sorry, ampm, but you've been swept aside like a lonely red blood corpuscle struggling down a cholesterol-clogged artery. Ideally, each AYCE pavilion seat would be equipped with a Lipitor-flavored IV drip so that gluttonous patrons can stave off the inevitable angioplasty even as they pound their fifth consecutive Dodger Dog.

4. SPEARMINT RHINO (NSFW!) Dugout Club. Finally, a place where a "gentleman" can "relax," "catch the game" and "grab a bite," while "enjoying the company" of "young ladies putting themselves through college"—all without those pesky zoning restrictions! And the current Dugout Club is practically gentlemen's club-ready; just install a few brass poles and your only worry is how to get the body glitter off your clothes. Bonus: no players allowed!

5. Andre Ethier Presented by YOUR MOTHER. That's right, your mother. And that's right, Andre Ethier—last year's most under-appreciated Dodger. For the guys, every Ethier at-bat will remind you to appreciate your poor, neglected martyr of a mother. (That naming-rights fee? Worth every guilt-inducing penny.) And for you "Ethierholics," Andre represents the kind of guy your mother wants you to bring home: dreamy, successful and with a good heart to boot. Time to ditch Craigslist and open an eHarmony account!