Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is Making Clones - January 06, 2003

10. You admire his dog. Offers to make you one
9. Toll collector spotted four of him in the carpool lane
8. Always at Kinko's studying the equipment
7. He's an unmarried scientist with 53 sons
6. You're pretty sure you saw Einstein, Lincoln and Heidi Klum lounging around his pool
5. The clumsy attempts to make his kids look different using hats
4. When your wife has twins, he howls, "Amateur"
3. On hot summer days, neighbor kid sets up a Clonaid stand
2. His son's birthday cake reads, "Happy Somatic Cell Genetic Mutation Day Darren!"
1. You look out your window and you see you washing his car

Top Ten NFL Referee Explanations - January 07, 2003

10. "I swallowed my whistle"
9. "Calling penalties isn't my strong suit -- I'm more of a coin toss guy"
8. "Who cares? It's best-of-seven, right?"
7. "Not actually a referee, I'm just a guy who works at Foot Locker"
6. "It's a classic joke and all that, but some of us really do have severe vision problems and need corrective lenses"
5. "In a very roundabout way, we were trying to put pressure on North Korea"
4. "Not that it's an excuse, but I suffer from acid reflux"
3. "It's all part of God's plan, and God doesn't like the Giants"
2. "I don't know...the fog?"
1. "Spent pre-game tailgating with Diana Ross"

Top Ten Ways The World Would Be Different If Everone Were Named "Merv" - January 08, 2003

10. One of America's best-loved movies: "Merv Cassidy and the Sundance Kid"
9. Nametags would come pre-printed, "Hello, my name is Merv"
8. Good bet the vanity plate "MERV 1" is already taken
7. Popular pick-up line; "You're a sexy woman, Merv"
6. During mid-life crisis, lots of guys would start going by "Mervie"
5. The book of Genesis would teach us that God created Merv in his own image
4. Hit new Fox reality show: "Merv Millionaire"
3. Ask your wife which restaurant she wants to go to -- good chance she'll say, "How about Merv's?"
2. Merv Griffin's nickname would be "Griff"
1. U.S. military gears up to topple murderous dictator Merv Hussein

Top Ten Jets' Excuses- January 13, 2003

10. Bad idea to have pre-game meal of pancakes and beer
9. If you're playing in the Super Bowl, you miss all the great commercials
8. Exhausted from round-the-clock North Korean peace talks
7. Did you see those guys? They were huge!
6. Spent entire game showing off for "The Bachelorette"
5. How do they expect us to concentrate when there's a new "Lord of the Rings" film out?!
4. Bus ride to Oakland took a lot out of the team
3. Wanted to save financially-strapped New York City expense of victory parade
2. Hey -- it's an honor just to be nominated
1. Wanted to do something nice for Oakland fans. After all, they have to live in Oakland.

Top Ten Reasons I, Hideki Matsui, Signed With The New York Yankees - January 14, 2003

10. Tokyo was fine, but I'm more of a big city guy
9. I want to see "Cats" at least once before it closes
8. I fell in love with a woman from Manhattan who I thought was a rich socialite but it turns out she's a maid
7. Yankee Stadium -- nachos don't come any cheesier
6. Jeter said he'd hook me up
5. On days off, I can hang by TRL's Times Square studio
4. Every Japanese child knows the legend of Jorge Posada
3. In New York, there's no pressure to speak English
2. I wanted to meet Regis
1. Dude, this city never sleeps!

Top Ten Ways Bush Can Raise His Approval Rating - January 15, 2003

10. End controversial "tax cuts for jerks" program
9. Build a giant Saddam Hussein doll, take it out to the White House lawn and beat it up
8. Make film about his wild days hosting "The Gong Show"
7. Presidential pardon for Diana Ross
6. Use more adorable mispronunciations like "aminal" and "pasghetti"
5. Pressue the FDA to make salty snack chips the main food group
4. Develop a catch phrase, like, "What you talkin' about, Kim Jong Il?"
3. Find Osama Bin Laden
2. Let America know White House has the loosest slots in town
1. Find Dick Cheney

Top Ten Signs You Won't Be Winning "Star Search" - January 16, 2003

10. You call yourself "the new Don Knotts"
9. You're getting huge laughs -- but you're a model
8. That mean "American Idol" judge stops by just to tell you how much you suck
7. Your talent: paralyzing stage fright
6. Instead of "Hit me with the digits," Arsenio shouts, "Hit him with a bottle"
5. No one laughs at your spot-on impression of former Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger
4. Unlike other magicians, you invoke the dark lord Satan's help in accomplishing your tricks
3. Your own family heckles you
2. You're the only "Star Search" contestant ever to have been gonged
1. A sobbing Ed McMahon screams, "You've ruined my show"

Top Ten Saddam Hussein Weekend Plans - January 17, 2003

10. Rake the sand
9. Speak to kids in the "Young Dictators" club
8. Put on Darth Vader mask, fly to Oakland and watch his beloved Raiders
7. Just to be safe, swap mustaches with Tariq Aziz
6. See Meryl Streep in "The Hours" and enjoy a good cry
5. Just kick it old school
4. A whole lot of posing for murals
3. Watch favorite Iraqi television show, "Ahmed Millionaire"
2. Turn on CNN to see if he's dead yet
1. "Hide the plutonium," if you know what I mean

Top Ten Signs Saddam Hussein Is Planning To Move To Your Neighborhood - January 20, 2003

Top Ten Answers To The Question, "How Cold Is It?" - January 21, 2003

10. It's so cold, Saddam Hussein has begun stockpiling weapons-grade tomato soup
9. It's so cold, Jennifer Lopez has been downgraded from "hot" to "lukewarm"
8. It's so cold, I had to defrost my mail
7. It's so cold, exotic dancers only removing the first few layers of clothing
6. It's so cold, people are coming into the Ed Sullivan Theater to warm up
5. It's so cold, Richard Simmons is wearing long pants
4. It's so cold, Hans Blix is off to search for chemical weapons in Cancun
3. It's so cold, people are flocking to "Live with Regis and Kelly!" for the artificial warmth
2. It's so cold, not only is Ted Williams frozen, but so is Barry Bonds
1. It's so cold, Michael Jackson is dangling himself in front of a fireplace

Top Ten Surprises On The Premiere Of "American Idol" - January 22, 2003

10. Contestants were only allowed to sing jingles from muffler commercials
9. Oates of "Hall and Oates" tried to audition in disguise
8. Janet Reno has a lovely singing voice
7. Guest appearance by reigning American Idol: what's-her-name
6. Celebrity judge Paula Abdul replaced by King Abdullah of Jordan
5. This time, winner gets a contract for a low-interest home mortgage
4. Diana Ross staggers in looking for her car keys
3. That Justin kid is back, and his hair is now four feet tall
2. A lot of singing parrots
1. The first American Idol was better, when the guy had sex with a pie

Top Ten Questions Received By The Chap Stick Hotline - January 23, 2003

10. "Hi, is this the chopstick hotline?"
9. "Okay, I removed the cap -- now what?"
8. "Can I use it to highlight passages in books?"
7. "Is it safe for my kitty's lips?"
6. "Is it true that the Chinese use these instead of forks?"
5. "I like to dress the tubes in tiny little clothes I make. Is this illegal?"
4. "Is it available in a spray?"
3. "I wrote a 22-page poem about Chap Stick. Where do I send it?"
2. "I lost my Chap Stick -- did anyone turn it in?"
1. "Is Wilford Brimley dead?"

Top Ten Cool Things About Living On An Aircraft Carrier - February 03, 2003

10. It combines all the excitement of going on a cruise with the fun of living at the airport
(Nuclear Machinist's Mate First Class Billy Eatmon)
9. There's no more pleasant wake-up call than the roar of an F-18 Super Hornet
(Operations Specialist Sherona Peterson)
8. On weekends we turn the deck into the world's largest roller disco
(Mess Management Specialist Anthony Sacro)
7. Feel like lasagna? Send a pilot to Italy for takeout
(Dental Technician First Class Pete Espinoza)
6. When everyone's asleep, you can climb in one of the planes and pretend you're Tom Cruise
(Aviation Ordnanceman First Class Matt Wright)
5. Who else gets to describe their home as "Nimitz-class"?
(Personelman Third Class Shelly Glascoe)
4. The weekly shuffleboard tournaments
(Information Systems Technician Third Class Taquann McKinney)
3. All-you-can-drink jet fuel
(Hull Technician Second Class Joshua Chelnick)
2. If you ever have an aircraft that needs carrying, you're in luck
(Photographer's Mate Second Class Bryan Dunn)
1. You can get both seasick and airsick at the same time
(Boatswain's Mate Third Class Leanne Connelly)

Top Ten Signs Your Volkswagen Needs To Be Recalled - February 05, 2003

10. The steering wheel is in the back seat
9. You're constantly stopping for coffee so you don't doze off from the carbon monoxide
8. Mix-up at factory gave you an anti-lock radio and AM/FM brakes
7. The roof rolls back, but it's not a convertible
6. If you're in an accident, you have to call a guy to inflate your air bags
5. Hazard light on dashboard reminds you to sign your will
4. Horn emits a very soft meow
3. Warning on tires reads: "For Indoor Use Only"
2. Goes from zero to sixty in about seven weeks
1. Any part of the car may be used as a cigarette lighter

Top Ten Messages Left On Colin Powell's Answering Machine - February 06, 2003

10. "It's the President. Didn't see the speech -- Regis was on 'The View'"
9. "Hey -- great answering machine message! Is that really Jack Nicholson?"
8. "Jacques Chirac calling about the attack on Iraq"
7. "I'm sorry. I have the wrong number. I was looking for former Baltimore Oriole Boog Powell"
6. "It's Osama. I surrender...just kidding. It's the President...give me a buzz"
5. "Dude, turn on CNN. There's someone who looks just like you"
4. "Bob Barker calling. Pre-empt 'The Price Is Right' one more time and I'll stab you"
3. "It's the bakery. Can you tell us again how to spell 'Condoleeza'?"
2. "Mr. Smith, this is Golden Touch Outcall Massage. Your credit card has expired"
1. "This is Saddam. How much for that Anthrax you help up yesterday?"

Top Ten Surprises In The Michael Jackson Documentary - February 07, 2003

10. Due to disappointing CD sales, most of his income is now from Amway
9. "Neverland Ranch" is just a one-bedroom condo in Queens
8. "Gong Show" fans may remember him as "Gene Gene The Dancing Machine"
7. The Elephant Man recently bought some of Michael's bones
6. Upon seeing old "Beat It" video, asked, "Wow, who's that?"
5. Touching moment when he was reunited with his four brothers
4. Touching moment when he was reunited with his four noses
3. Put his fist through a wall when the Raiders lost
2. He had Bubbles stuffed and uses him as an ottoman
1. Turns out he's a loon

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear In A New York City Taxi - February 10, 2003

10. "I have to tell you this up front -- I don't have a driver's license, I
never had a driver's license, and I don't plan on getting a driver's license"
9. "Just so you know, this cab is clothing-optional"
8. "If the cops pull us over, keep quiet -- I got stolen TVs in the trunk"
7. "You know anything about cars? (holds up loose car part) Where's this go?"
6. "Put on your seat belt -- I'm going to ram into this car"
5. "You seem so sad -- why don't you talk to Mr. Sunshine?"
4. "I'm only filling in for the regular driver -- he got called back to serve in the Iraqi Army"
3. "I'm only two traffic violations away from setting a new cab driver record"
2. "In the event of an accident, my mustache will inflate"
1. "Hey, did you hear Bloomberg said we can drink in the cab?" (takes a swig from a bottle)

Top Ten Signs It's Fashion Week In New York - February 11, 2003

10. Local newscasters describe the national security level as "desert sunset orange"
9. Hans Blix confessed to "The New York Times" that he only buys sexy underwear
8. Statue of Liberty showing more leg than usual
7. Winona Ryder has been researching what she'll be shoplifting next season
6. The terribly shy Puff Daddy has decided to throw a party
5. Confused models strutting down runways at LaGuardia
4. Honey, in New York it's always fashion week
3. Surge in restraining orders against Regis
2. Three words: rats in gowns
1. Subways smell like urine and perfume

Top Ten Things, I, Saddam Hussein, Want To Get Off My Chest - February 12, 2003

10. "I don't have links to Al Qaeda, but the same guy does our taxes"
9. "Of my 24 palaces, 19 are just timeshares"
8. "Kim Jong-Il cheats at Scrabble"
7. "I bought most of my medals on eBay"
6. "You know what I use to liven up leftovers? Anthrax"
5. "Sometimes even I confuse Iran and Iraq"
4. "Is it just me, or does it seem like Michael Jackson is weird?"
3. "Christiane Amanpour -- call me"
2. "Try to find a parking space in downtown Baghdad, now that's torture -- am I right, people?"
1. "I can't prove it, but I think Hans Blix took a leak in my pool"

Top Ten Reasons I, Homer Simpson, Am Excited To Be On This Show - February 13, 2003

10. I'm happy to reunite with my college lover Biff Henderson
9. Free crackers in the Green Room. Mmm... Crackers.
8. I can take advantage of low, low New York prices
7. Uh, couldn't come up with this one
6. I love the Dancing Itos
5. I finally get to be on a real network
4. Your minimum guest payment is the most money I've ever seen in my life
3. Marge always puts out on vacation
2. I get to raid your writing staff
1. Paul and I have the same barber. Give me my money, Letterman. I want my money.

Top Ten Valentine's Day Traditions In The Marine Corps - February 14, 2003

10. I drove all 272-and-a-half miles while eating a roast beef sandwich
9. Tiger Woods finishing a respectable third place
8. When I pulled in for a tire change and my pit crew threw an early surprise birthday party
7. Thanks to the Chevrolet President's Day sale I got a nice new car for the race
6. Well, the part where I won was sorta cool
5. Beating the other drivers at our rain delay game of Scrabble
4. Win the Daytona 500, you get 500 bucks!
3. The hour delay during lap 23 because of rubbernecking
2. I listened to a Dr. Phil book-on-tape and it changed my life
1. I was warm and toasty in my car while you losers were up to your asses in snow

Top Ten Good Things About Having 19.8 Inches Of Snow In New York City presented by NYC Mayor Mike Bloomberg - February 18, 2003

10. "Footprints in snow make finding fleeing criminals a snap"
9. "As if by magic, all potholes are filled"
8. "Makes Hartford's 17.5 inches look pathetic"
7. "Dude, the snowboarding has been righteous"
6. "The city's never been so salty"
5. "I made a hundred bucks in overtime shoveling at Gracie Mansion"
4. "Shot in the arm for city's struggling toboggan industry"
3. "Instead of 90 miles per hour, cabs traveling a more reasonable 60 miles per hour"
2. "Any Broadway show can legitimately add the phrase 'On Ice'"
1. "Yesterday I got to run New York City from home in my robe"

Top Ten Good Things About Not Getting In To See "The Late Show" - February 19, 2003

10. You don't have to sit through an hour of "The Late Show"
9. There's two feet of snow outside and it's still warmer than the Ed Sullivan Theater
8. My hotel room has adult films on Spectravision
7. Everyone on the stand-by line receives one Ritz cracker
6. Hey, if I wanted to see Dr. Phil say something dumb, I'd watch his show
5. While waiting outside, I bought a beautiful Rolex watch for only ten bucks
4. You don't get hit on by that creepy announcer Alan Kalter (woman)
3. You don't get hit on by that creepy announcer Alan Kalter (man)
2. Don't want the life sucked out of me right before I see "Mamma Mia"
1. "The Late Show"? I thought this was "The Tonight Show"

Top Ten Ways Dumb Guys Are Preparing For A Terrorist Attack - February 20, 2003

10. Wearing special "anti-terror" hat 24/7
9. Adding seat belts to dining room chairs
8. Wearing same cologne as Tom Ridge
7. Building a tolerance to radiation by standing in front of the microwave
6. Interrogating pets
5. Watching a lot of them "Lethal Weapon" movies
4. Stocking up on Tums
3. Just to be safe, getting vaccinated for small and large pox
2. Creating elaborate color-code systems to alert citizens to threat levels
1. Taping a duck

Top Ten Good Things About Being This Woman (the Megaball mascot) - February 21, 2003

10. It's common practice for lottery winners to tip the mascot 10%
9. No confusion at restaurant coat check
8. At the end of a long day, she can bounce home
7. She could gain weight without jeopardizing her celebrity status
6. In the event of a terrorist attack, just tuck in arms and legs and roll to safety
5. Sometimes mistakenly gets fan mail for Mr. Peanut
4. If they ever make a Megaball mascot movie, she'll probably star
3. Sometimes mistakenly gets fan mail for Michelin Man
2. Nothing. Absolutely nothing
1. Dumb kids think she's Mickey Mouse

Top Ten Messages Left On Paul Simon's Answering Machine - February 24, 2003

10. "Hey, it's Art. Wanna do an album?"
9. "Hello, Grammy winner, this is Metro Grammy Polishers calling with a great introductory offer"
8. "Art again. Wanna do a tour?"
7. "Hey, check out eBay. Art's selling his lifetime achievement award"
6. "Fred Durst here -- I think we're all in agreeance that you were great"
5. "I saw you on CBS with Garfunkel. Was that a repeat?"
4. "Hey, it's your old friend Darkness. Dude, give me a call"
3. "Hey, buddy, it's Art. I think your answering machine is broken"
2. "This is announcer Alan Kalter -- sorry for introducting you as Phil Simon"
1. "Hi, thought of a fifty-first way to leave your lover -- run over him with a Mercedes"

10. Saddam's responses to American charges were mainly of the "your momma's so fat" variety
9. The good laugh they shared at how wimpy the French are
8. Saddam kept calling Dan "Wolf"
7. The palpable sexual tension
6. Not only do they get CBS in Iraq, Saddam loves "Becker"
5. If the United States invades, Saddam would like us to do it in March, after the Baghdad tulip show
4. Entire interview was Saddam demonstrating a low-impact aerobic workout
3. Saddam fell for it every time Dan yelled, "Incoming!"
2. Proudly introduced Dan to the three relatives he hasn't executed
1. Saddam agreed to disarm if they give him one shot on "American Idol"

10. "Uday, are you going to eat that pickle?"
9. "Bunker for six, please"
8. "You have some shwarma in your mustache"
7. "A double for me and a double for my double"
6. "I know we're winning the war, but there do seem to be an awful lot of American tanks around"
5. "What was I thinking putting 5,000 dinars on Kansas?
4. "Can we still have these weekly dinners when we're in hell?"
3. "What do you mean Bloomberg won't let us smoke in here?"
2. "Kaboom"
1. "More salad, Geraldo?"

Top Ten Things Iraq's Information Minister Has To Say About The War - April 09, 2003

10. "We're pulling down the statues of Saddam to have them cleaned"
9. "Don't believe that stuff you see on CNN...or NBC, CBS, ABC, Fox or MSNBC"
8. "If you ask me who the winner is, it depends on what your definition of 'is' is"
7. "Iraqi television is off the air because we didn't want you to have to sit through 'Becker'"
6. "Do you know of any job openings for a lying weasel?"
5. "Wolf Blitzer and I are engaged"
4. "Iraqis are in the streets celebrating Cher's 40 fabulous years in show business"
3. "Incoming!"
2. "Saddam's not dead -- he's just out with a case of the shingles"
1. "War? What war?"

Top Ten Messages Left on Mike Weir's Answering Machine - April 14, 2003

10. "Congratulations and, oh yeah, who the hell are you?"
9. "This is the Canadian Golf Hall of Fame. Want to be our first member?"
8. "It's Tiger Woods. Finishing fifteenth would feel much worse if it weren't for my 62-million dollars in endorsements"
7. "Dude, I was so drunk when I was watching the Masters, I actually thought you won"
6. "It's Tiger again. Seriously, give me the damn jacket"
5. "This is President Bush. Today you made all of us proud to be Canadian"
4. "Crap, must've misdialed. I was trying to reach Jose Maria Olazabal"
3. "Hootie Johnson here. Victory dinner is on me -- but don't bring your wife"
2. "I see you've used some of your prize money to buy an answering machine"
1. "You seem to be good at sports -- can you play for the Mets?"

10. "Arranged it so you get your refund in cashews" (Accountant, Ron Parisi)
9. "Before doing paperwork fixes a cocktail of gin and white-out" (CPA, David Zarnowski)
8. "Brags that 17% of clients have never been convicted of tax evasion" (CPA, Dawn Calabrese)
7. "Named the adding machine 'Linda'" (CPA, Marc Albaum)
6. "Claims to be the bastard child of H & R Block" (Accountant, Stu Simon)
5. "Uses a number 3 pencil" (CPA, Martin Cohen)
4. "He claims the credit allowable under subsection (A) for any taxable year shall exceed the
excess of the regular tax liability of the taxpayer for such taxable year reduced by the sum of
the credits allowable under subparts A, B, D, E and F of this part, over the tentative minimum
tax for the taxable year...I mean, come on!" (CPA, Ross Wisdom)
3. "Last week, inexplicably fled to Syria" (CPA, Linda Boxer)
2. "Been known to dangle dependents from balconies" (CPA, Steven DePasquale)
1. "Has a tattoo of IRS Commissioner Charles O. Rossotti on his ass" (CPA, Mark Morrow)

Top Ten Excuses From The Guy Who Attacked The Umpire - April 16, 2003

10. "I thought it was 'Attack A Defenseless Umpire Night'"
9. "Let's see you drink 15 beers and not do something stupid"
8. "Look at all the endorsements the shirtless father and son lunatics got"
7. "I wanted to impress Royals shortstop Angel Berroa"
6. "Umpire? I thought he was a vampire"
5. "It was Royals-White Sox game -- somebody's gotta make it exciting"
4. "You never heard of a little thing called 'spring fever'?"
3. "Pete Rose bet me I wouldn't do it"
2. "You're just not yourself when you've got shingles"
1. "From my angle, he looked exactly like Uday Hussein"

Top Ten Reasons I Am Proud To Be An American presented by the 622nd Movement Control Team from Fort Eustis, Virginia - April 17, 2003

10. "Besides Switzerland, we're the only country to have a cheese named after us"
(Private First Class, Peter Griffin)
9. "We have 49 awesome states...and Delaware" (Specialist, Vernell Adams)
8. "All our great presidents have been American" (Private First Class, Randall Forrester)
7. "I don't see Yao Ming playing basketball in Belgium" (Specialist, Christopher King)
6. "Our flag is one of the stripiest" (Sergeant, Nealon Sears)
5. "America has more Regises per capita than any other nation on earth" (Specialist, Terrell Price)
4. "If the French don't like us, we must be doing something right" (Specialist, Lee Stringer)
3. "Slurpees" (Private First Class, Carleto Corpuz)
2. "You'll notice the U.S. judges on 'American Idol' are very polite. The British one's the jerk"
(Private First Class, Jacob Herzog)
1. "It's where all my stuff is" (Staff Sergeant, Israel Hill)

10. You dedicate "I Will Always Love You" to Saddam Hussein
9. Backstage, people say, "Are you still here?"
8. North Korea says if you lose they'll stop producing enriched uranium
7. Your mother says, "You're okay, but I'm really a big fan of Ruben"
6. You were recently named the three of clubs on the "Most Wanted Iraqi" playing cards
5. You've already appeared on another reality show -- "Cops"
4. Vegas gives you the same odds of winning it all as the Mets
3. You cancel your performance to stay home and watch "Jag"
2. Simon beats you with the microphone stand
1. Your voice is muffled by the SARS mask

Top Ten Things Never Before Said By A Pulitzer Prize Winner presented by Pulitzer Prize winner Robert A. Caro - May 01, 2003

10. "I'm gonna blow all my prize money on Yoo-Hoo and gum"
9. "Wow, all this praise for a book that's completely plagiarized"
8. "Having a Pulitzer is great, but I'm most proud of my collection of porcelain kitties"
7. "Dickens -- what a hack"
6. "Dude, you've been Punk'd"
5. "Can't do a book-signing -- I have to watch the Neil Sedaka tribute on 'American Idol'"
4. "Dammit, the tractor pull's sold out"
3. "I've named my Pulitzer Prize 'Barry'"
2. "The new Snoop Dogg album is off the hiz-ook"
1. "Fact-checking, my ass"

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear in a Fast-Food Restaurant - May 02, 2003

10. "Welcome to Burger King. I am Pepe, the Burger Prince. May I take your order?
9. "Did you want to eat here, or are we going back to your place?"
8. "Cheeseburger, French fries and Coke... $94"
7. "You know that Subway guy, Jared? I've got him out in my trunk"
6. "I personally check the quality of everything I sell"
5. "The onion rings are laughing at me!"
4. "Here's your food, and here's the name of a gastroenterologist"
3. "I just ate the toy from the kids' meal and I don't feel so good"
2. "Don't bother me. I'm on my lunch break"
1. "Employees must wash their hands... Please."

Top Ten President Bush Excuses For Not Finding Weapons of Mass Destruction - May 06, 2003

10. "We've only looked through 99% of the country"
9. "We spent entire budget making those playing cards"
8. "Containers are labeled in some crazy language"
7. "They must have been stolen by some of them evil X-Men mutants"
6. "Did I say Iraq has weapons of mass destruction? I meant they have goats"
5. "How are we supposed to find weapons of mass destruction when we can't even find Cheney?"
4. "Still screwed up because of Daylight Savings Time"
3. "When you're trying to find something, it's always in the last place you look, am I right, people?"
2. "Let's face it -- I ain't exactly a genius"
1. "Geraldo took them"

Top Ten Reasons, I, Joe Lieberman, Would Make A Great President - May 07, 2003

10. "Not only will my vice president be in an undisclosed location, I won't even reveal who he is"
9. "I know Microsoft Excel and can type 65 words a minute"
8. "I've gotten a lot of good advice from Martin Sheen"
7. "Instead of taking Air Force One, I can use all of my accumulated frequent flier miles"
6. "Saddam's a president and I'm way less nuts than he is"
5. "I will change the Constitution to guarantee every American a free DVD player"
4. "I am very comfortable in oval-shaped rooms"
3. "It just so happens Spider-Man is a close, personal friend of mine"
2. "I won't take any crap from France"
1. "Look at me. Do you honestly think there'll be a sex scandal?"

Top Ten Things You Don't Know About My Child - May 08, 2003

10. Jason Kidd's mother, Anne:
After they lost to the Knicks, I grounded Jason for 6 weeks
9. Britney Spears' mom, Lynne:
I don't know how many times I've had to say, "Britney, go back upstairs and put on something revealing"
8. The mother of Jack Black, Judy:
How my son isn't working in a Home Depot, I'll never understand
7. Keanu Reeves' mom, Patrick:
I have photos of Mr. Matrix dressed like a ballerina
6. The mother of Serena and Venus Williams, Oracene:
I'd say, "Hi," but they're watching Leno
5. Alec, Billy, Stephen and Daniel Baldwin's mom, Carol:
Even I don't know which one is which
4. Tony Hawk's mother, Nancy:
His first word? "Dude"
3. Tom Hanks' mom, Janet:
It's been years since the movie, but he still talks to that damn volleyball
2. The mother of Johnny Knoxville, Lemoyne:
He may be a crazy jackass, but at home he's a sweet, kind-hearted jackass
1. My mom, Dorothy:
He used to pull that "Shingles" thing to get out of mowing the lawn

Top Ten Most Common Questions Asked Of The White House Switchboard Operator - May 09, 2003

10. "You guys find Saddam yet?"
9. "Can I get some of them little square hamburgers delivered?"
8. "Hey, it's the President. I lost my wallet again. Can you tell the guy to let me in?"
7. "You guys find Saddam yet?"
6. "How 'bout Osama -- found him yet?"
5. "I work next door. Can you guys turn down the Lynyrd Skynyrd?"
4. "It's Al Gore -- has anyone called for me?"
3. "Do you accept unsolicited 'West Wing' scripts?"
2. "Aren't you too busy to answer your own phone, Mr. President?"
1. "This is the President -- any idea how I'd get a hold of Cheney?"

Top Ten Signs Something Is Wrong at "The New York Times" - May 12, 2003

10. When anything bad happens, front page asks, "Where are you, Spider-Man?"
9. Answer to every clue in Sunday crossword puzzle: Taffy
8. New policy: "We'll print your name in any story for $49.95"
7. Everyone in photographs looks like the publisher in a wig
6. Most stories involve the reporter ending up drunk at a strip club
5. They just endorsed Dukakis
4. Motto "All The News That's Fit To Print" replaced by more trendy "Don't Go There, Girlfriend"
3. Its journalistic integrity is questioned by Geraldo Rivera
2. They believe President Bush's tax cut is a good idea
1. Sports page reports Mets in first place

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear in a Department Store - May 14, 2003

10. "You want to use the fitting room or try this on at my place?"
9. "Check it out -- this one's good for hiding body parts"
8. "You know how we can offer such low prices? We're connected to the mafia"
7. "Try our new scent -- it makes you smell just like Regis"
6. "Last night after work I got lucky on this couch"
5. "Can I take a picture of your feet for my web site?"
4. "I live in a dark, greasy space under the escalator"
3. "For today only, you can pay for your purchases with hugs"
2. "Have you seen a chimp in boys' overalls?"
1. "If you're interested, I sell the same junk out of my van, half-price"

Top Ten Calls Received By The Oreo Hotline - May 15, 2003

10. "I'm a fat guy and I was wondering if I could buy just a tub of cream filling?"
9. "Will you walk me through how to eat these things one more time?"
8. "I'm a Keebler Elf and I'm ready to talk"
7. "Mmmmmmm"
6. "My name is actually Bill Oreo -- isn't that weird?"
5. "Hi, I'd like to plan a trip to Oregon"
4. "Can I use the white center as a substitute for shaving cream?"
3. "How many proofs of purchase for an angioplasty?"
2. "Can you tell me over the phone if I have some black stuff stuck in my teeth?"
1. "Is Oreos waterproof?"

Top Ten Surprises in the New Hitler Movie - May 16, 2003

10. Small mustache result of practical joke by drunken fraternity buddies
9. Hitler is captured after being recognized from deck of "Nazi Most Wanted" playing cards
8. He trademarked the word "Hitler-riffic"
7. Hitler tries to use his newfound powers to help Morpheus destroy the Matrix
6. Evil manifests itself in young Hitler after he is voted off "German Idol"
5. Hitler replaced by guest-Fuhrers during bout with Shingles
4. Favorite food? Fish sticks
3. Hitler furiously stocking bunker with delicious chocolate Yoo-Hoo
2. Scene where CBS fires executive who decided to make a Hitler movie
1. Middle name: Dwayne

Top Ten Good Things About Having The Same Name As A Celebrity - May 19, 2003

10. Donald Trump: "I forward my credit card bills to him and the idiot actually pays them"
9. Bruce Willis: "My wife can say she saw Bruce Willis naked"
8. Tom Hanks: "Between the two of us, guys named 'Tom Hanks' have won a pair of Academy Awards"
7. Jennifer Lopez: "Who else gets to have 3am phone conversations with a drunken Ben Affleck?"
6. Brad Pitt: "Not only do we have the same name, we have the same abs" (guy lifts shirt)
5. Michael Jackson: "One check sent to the wrong address and I'm set for life"
4. Tom Cruise: "Wait, there's another Tom Cruise?"
3. Julia Roberts: "I can talk the Blockbuster guy into giving me a dollar off when I rent 'Erin Brockovich'"
2. Sean Connery: "I just nailed Julia Roberts in the green room"
1. Dave Letterman: "When people meet me, they say, 'Wow, you look much better in person'"

Top Ten Signs Ari Fleischer Doesn't Care Anymore - May 20, 2003

10. Will only take questions from "Kung Fu" magazine
9. Qualifies each statement with, "...but that might be the gin talking"
8. Gives monosyllabic answers to press questions, then goes back to his Gameboy
7. Doesn't try to hide the fact that he's accepted a position with Al-Qaeda
6. Last few briefings have been from the V.I.P. room of D.C. area gentlemen's club
5. Spends entire press conference arguing why "Ruben should beat Clay"
4. Discloses Cheney's location -- a K.F.C. in Baltimore
3. Challenges Rumsfeld to a Texas steel cage rasslin' match
2. Keeps hitting on Helen Thomas
1. Refers to Bush as "President Bonehead"

Top Ten Chapter Titles In Jayson Blair's Autobiography - May 21, 2003

10. "My Journey From Writing 'The New York Times' To Delivering 'The New York Times'"
9. "Quoting Dead People: My Word Against Theirs"
8. "How Morpheus Trained Me To Fight The Matrix"
7. "I Nailed Jennifer Lopez"
6. "All The Tools A Reporter Needs -- A Copy Of 'The Washington Post' And A Pair of Scissors"
5. "'New York Times,' You've Been Punk'd"
4. "The 'Y' In 'Jayson'? I Made That Up, Too"
3. "How The Modern Reporter Can Be In Two Places At The Same Time"
2. Chapter 6: "Chapters 1 Through 5 Were A Load Of Crap"
1. "At Least I'm Not Geraldo"

Top Ten Things People Yelled at Their Television While Watching the "American Idol" Finale - May 22, 2003

10. "Hey, it's that Clay kid whose ass I kicked in grade school"
9. "Awesome! Another over-produced power ballad!"
8. "This is great... but that could be the Canadian beef talking"
7. "Has anyone seen the damn remote?"
6. "The show isn't even half over and I have already forgotten half these people's name"
5. "Where's the remote?! For the love of God, where's the remote?"
4. "Honey, we got any more Cheez Whiz?"
3. "We're screwed!" (CBS, NBC, ABC executives only)
2. "My tax cut plan can wait. Clay is singing"
1. "I was wrong. Booze doesn't make this show better"

Top Ten Things Overheard At The Letterman Family Barbecue - May 23, 2003

Top Ten Signs Elizabeth II Is Tired Of Being Queen - June 02, 2003

10. Has scaled back her grueling 2-day-a-year work schedule
9. Uses scepter to snake her clogged sink drain
8. Was spotted in Soho hotspot making out with Colin Farrell
7. Been granting several private audiences to Sir Jack Daniels
6. Refers to Prince Charles as that "jug-eared tight-ass"
5. Knighted dude at 7-Eleven to get out of paying for Slurpee
4. She's destroyed dozens of priceless palace artifacts with her radio-controlled model trucks
3. Very little attending to matters of state -- a whole lot of watching "The Young and the Restless"
2. Changed her name from "Elizabeth II" to "Matrix II"
1. Took off her top at a Coldplay concert

Top Ten Things Agreed Upon at the G8 Summit - June 03, 2003

10. The "G" in "G-8" stands for "Gravy"
9. Jacques Chirac's influence is severely hampered by his silly rhyming name
8. German Chancellor Gerhard Schroder has a lovely singing voice
7. If you leave "Finding Nemo" with a dry eye, call the morgue -- you're dead!
6. The translator for the Russian delegation is a total babe
5. You think relations in the Middle East are bad, check in with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez in a couple of years
4. The global economic downturn is the result of a glitch in the Matrix
3. George W. Bush really has to stop saying, "I could have had a G-8"
2. The summit's in France, which means "The New York Times" reporter is probably in Brooklyn
1. Whoever finds Saddam Hussein wins a 2003 Pontiac Aztek

Top Ten Sammy Sosa Explanations - June 04, 2003

10. "My mind was clouded by the anabolic steroids"
9. "Damn Al-Qaeda"
8. "I may be a strong guy, but those bats is heavy"
7. "I wanted to catch the premiere of 'American Juniors' -- man, those kids can sing!"
6. "Hans Blix checked my bat for three months without finding any cork"
5. "Wanted to do something to take the heat off my girlfriend, Martha Stewart"
4. "Threat of rain necessitated a more buoyant bat"
3. "If you hit home runs you get paid $20 million a year, dumb ass"
2. "I was Punk'd"
1. "Pete Rose bet me I wouldn't do it"

Top Ten Surprises in the Barbara Walters-Hillary Clinton Interview - June 05, 2003

10. Interview was conducted in a midtown Roy Rogers
9. Most of interview, Barbara is obscured by giant "Hillary In 2008" banner
8. All the giggling, doing each other's hair and talking about boys
7. Only question asked, "Do you like pie?"
6. The slap fight
5. Interview ended with a haunting rendition of Jim Croce's "Time in a Bottle"
4. The blatant product placement for Skoal
3. Awkward silence after a handgun falls out of Hillary's purse and discharges
2. Bill's name never came up
1. Referred to President Bush as "that grinning monkey"

Top Ten Things I'd Like To Say Now That I'm Miss Universe (as presented by Amelia Vega of the Dominican Republic) - June 09, 2003

10. First thing I'm gonna do is pardon Martha Stewart
9. Don't bother asking for my number unless you're Mr. Universe
8. Without makeup, I look like Don Rickles
7. Not only am I Miss Universe -- I have just been named editor of "The New York Times"
6. My accent is fake
5. A message to all the kids: just be smoking hot and you'll do fine
4. Now that I got the title, I'm just gonna sit on my ass and eat pancakes
3. Tomorrow the tiara goes on e-bay
2. I can't believe Letterman cut his finger making spaghetti -- what a jackass
1. I corked my bra

Top Ten Cool Things About Having Monkeypox - June 10, 2003

10. It's like smallpox but monkey-er
9. Monkeys have them, and everyone loves monkeys, no?
8. Most of your days spent picking nits out of your fur
7. You're automatically entered in the World Health Organization's raffle for a new 2003 Pontiac Vibe
6. Chills and fever-induced sweating will help you "beat the heat" all summer
5. Take a sip of a friend's Coke and say, "Oh yeah, I have monkeypox." That means free Coke!
4. You're able to eat bananas with your feet
3. A secure government quarantine facility is a great place to meet babes
2. Always exciting to hear a doctor say, "Dear God what the hell is that?"
1. People stare at your big red ass

Top Ten Things Heard In Line To Buy Hillary Clinton's Book - June 11, 2003

10. "At last we'll cut through the lies and get to the embellished, politically motivated truth"
9. "Do we get a discount if we've had sex with Bubba?"
8. "Hey, the Whitewater chapter is all shredded"
7. "Why ain't your husband king no more?"
6. "Hillary Clinton? Crap, I thought it was the new Harry Potter book"
5. "That Barnes and Noble cashier looks a lot like Al Gore"
4. "I hear the section about Bill is a pop-up book"
3. "The last time I was at one of these, Rosalyn Carter showed up drunk"
2. "Twenty-eight bucks for a book? That Lewinskys"
1. "I feel weird doing this with your wife right there, Mr. Clinton"

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Kids On Father's Day - June 12, 2003

10. "They were out of ties, so I got a prairie dog with monkeypox"
9. "We know you're 29, but we're putting you in a home"
8. "I'd have gotten a card, but it turns out they're like $1.98"
7. "Meet my new girlfriend, Harvey Fierstein"
6. "We all chipped in and got you a less humiliating hairpiece"
5. "Technically, we should be giving these gifts to the UPS guy"
4. "Last year's 'World's Greatest Dad' mug has been recalled because of the lead paint"
3. "Maybe if you hadn't drunk my tuition I wouldn't be working at Radio Shack"
2. "With each passing year, you look more like David Letterman"
1. "I bought you mom's book about your affair with Monica"

10. "I look sweet in tight pants"
9. "If you work hard enough you can be successful -- oh yeah, and it helps to have 8 all-stars on the field behind you"
8. "There's not a damn thing to do in Milwaukee"
7. "During a tense game I can eat 2 or 3 rosin bags"
6. "You can melt an umpire's gruff exterior with a simple hug"
5. "For Barry Bonds to be performing at this level at the age of 65 is truly remarkable"
4. "The best practical joke? Tell a teammate they're traded to the Devil Rays"
3. "It doesn't matter if you win or lose...well, it didn't when I was on the Red Sox"
2. "Good nickname: Rocket. Bad nickname: Lard-Ass"
1. "Adjusting your cup doesn't do anything...just makes you feel good"

Top Ten Things Going Through President Bush's Mind At This Moment (Falling off a Segway) - June 17, 2003

Top Ten Worst Summer Jobs - June 18, 2003

10. Deposed Iraqi dictator
9. "The New York Times" fact checker
8. French ambassador to the United States
7. Sidewalk Santa
6. Any job where you wear a uniform that read "Mets"
5. Siegfried and/or Roy
4. "Dennis Kucinich for President" campaign manager
3. Satellite dish salesman, Amish country
2. James Brolin
1. "The Late Show" audience member

Top Ten Perks of Being a Member of the Blue Angels - June 19, 2003

10. While those Army guys are marching through the mud, I'm flying around eating peanuts
(Major Ken Asbridge)
9. I get a 10% discount off any Blockbuster movie that has an airplane in it
(Major Dave Morris)
8. Get to make extra money using my airplane to deliver drycleaning on the weekends
(Major Chandler Seagraves)
7. Make a perfect landing, Uncle Sam buys you a Slurpee
(Lieutenant Craig Olson)
6. I get to say things like, "Bravo foxtrot alpha measured ceiling is 4,000 broken," even if I have no idea what that means
(Major Len Anderson)
5. Ejection seat makes hilarious "boing" sound effect
(Lieutenant Commander Jerry Deren)
4. Once, I saw a cloud formation that looked like Richard Dreyfuss
(Lieutenant Commander Dan Martin)
3. You get really familiar with this sound (jet sound)
(Lieutenant Commander David Varner)
2. After three years, I have an option to buy my plane
(Lieutenant Commander Todd Abrahamson)
1. To hell with the Mile High Club, I'm a member of the Mach Two Club"
(Commander Russ Bartlett)

Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear From a Guy Dressed as The Hulk - June 23, 2003

10. "I just grabbed your car and tossed it down the block"
9. "Take it from me -- don't go swimming in the East River"
8. "Can I buy you a drink later when my rage has receded?"
7. "I wouldn't go in there. They got a Gamma Ray leak"
6. "Do you guys know where I can find a bright green hooker?"
5. "See what Monkeypox does to you?"
4. "Hey, did you just call me 'Kermit'? You son of a bitch"
3. "My green skin doesn't look half as bad as your hairpiece"
2. "Frankenstein had a fling with my mom in the mid 70's"
1. Buddy, do me a favor -- you see the Jolly Green Giant, tell him if he goes near my wife again I'm gonna shove a can of corn niblets up his ass"

10. You've actually heard of him
9. Whenever he discusses plans to revitalize economy, you get goosebumps
8. Named your cats "Howard," "Dean" and "Six-Term Governor Howard Dean"
7. You'll only watch movies featuring Ron Howard or Harry Dean Stanton
6. When you hear a report on the radio about a highway accident, you murmur, "Please, god, don't let Howard Dean be involved"
5. Constantly complain rival candidate Dennis Kucinich isn't "Howardly" enough
4. Changed outfit four times before watching appearance on "Meet the Press"
3. You stand by him despite the fact his infidelities embarrassed you in front of the entire...oh wait, wrong Democrat
2. When he announced his candidacy, you didn't laugh your ass off
1. You're actually considering wasting a vote on him

Top Ten Things The Iraqi Information Minister Has Admitted Since Being Captured - June 25, 2003

10. "Okay, Iraq didn't win the war. It was a tie"
9. "Iraq's weapons scientists were secretly developing our own Hulk"
8. "Tariq Aziz had Botox"
7. "Saddam Hussein's not the innocent angel everyone thinks he is"
6. "Dr. Germ looks really hot when she's synthesizing VX gas"
5. "You picked the right guy for the 'Queen of Clubs,' if you know what I mean"
4. "Howard Dean will win the 2004 election"
3. "Uday Hussein's birth name -- Gary"
2. "I've been offered a job as editor of 'The New York Times'"
1. "The rumors are true -- I'm dating Ashton Kutcher"

Top Ten Excuses Of The Baseball Player Who Beat Up The Sausage - July 14, 2003

10. "There hasn't been a good bizarre ballpark attack in a while"
9. "Always wanted to be on Marv Albert's blooper reel"
8. "Looking to land a big endorsement deal with Jimmy Dean"
7. "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you blindside the opposing team's costumed racing mascot"
6. "It was a Brewers-Pirates game. Somebody had to liven things up"
5. "The bratwurst gave me fifty dollars to take down the sausage"
4. "I guess I misunderstood the Atkins diet"
3. "When a giant sausage is running at you -- you act on instinct"
2. "Pete Rose bet me I wouldn't"
1. "Who doesn't 'pound the sausage' every once in a while"

Top Ten Jerry Springer Campaign Promises - July 16, 2003

10. "Fifty-dollar tax rebate if you have sex with your wife's sister"
9. "All staff dinners will be at D.C.-area Hooters"
8. "Sausages will attack baseball players with bats!"
7. "Repeal restrictive laws against first-cousin marriages"
6. "Amend constitution to include words 'hoochie mama'"
5. "In the summer months, all press conferences are topless"
4. "I'll tell the truth about which legislators have too much junk in the trunk"
3. "Solar powered prostitutes"
2. "C-Span will feature more young people calling each other 'bitch'"
1. "Enough cheap sex to make the Clinton years look like a church social"

Top Ten Things Said To Me, Dave, On A Typical Weekend - July 18, 2003

10. "Hey, you look just like that creepy jerk on television"
9. "You don't have monkeypox"
8. "Aren't you a little old to have a lemonade stand?"
7. "The little robes make your kitties look like the Supreme Court"
6. "Sir, this is not a nude beach"
5. "I thought you died, Mr. Ebsen"
4. "Sir, this is not a nude supermarket"
3. "I love that 'Jaywalking' bit you do"
2. "That'll be 300 bucks, Romeo"
1. "License and registration, please"

Top Ten Thoughts Going Through This Guy's Mind - July 22, 2003

10. "Isn't this the running of the bulls?"
9. "Okay, maybe I should've just sprung for cable"
8. "Where are all the bloody taxis?"
7. "What great special effects in this movie -- you feel like you're right there"
6. "Was it '2 pills every 12 hours' or '12 pills every 2 hours'?"
5. "The race cars are more scared of me than I am of them"
4. "The prix is even grander up close"
3. "I'm an idiot"
2. "So now I know -- 13 beers is my limit"
1. "I wonder who'll be speaking at my funeral"

Top Ten Perks of Being a Member of the National Baseball Hall of Fame - July 23, 2003

10. I get a ballpark frank for a reduced price of only $20
(He's a member of baseball's elite 3,000 hit club, Lou Brock)
9. If I don't have the money for the Domino's kid, I hand him any old bat and say, "I used this to hit my 500th home run"
(He hit 573 home runs in 22 seasons, Harmon Killebrew)
8. I once saw Earl Weaver naked
(He was named to 18 consecutive all-star teams, Brooks Robinson)
7. All the rosin you can eat
(The only man to lead his league in home runs 7 years in a row, Ralph Kiner)
6. I'm not just a guy with a crazy mustache, I'm a Hall of Famer with a crazy mustache
(He won the MVP and Cy Young awards in 1981, Rollie Fingers)
5. "I gotta do Hall of Fame stuff" -- perfect excuse to get out of plans the wife made
(He won 20 games 5 times and the Cy Young Award twice, Bob Gibson)
4. I can run on the field shirtless and there ain't a damn thing you can do about it
(300-game winning knuckleballer, Phil Niekro)
3. Get to appear on lame late night talk show
(He pitched 3 no-hitters and led the league in wins 6 times, Bob Feller)
2. We're the only ones who can rebroadcast or retransmit an account of a game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball
(13-time Gold Glove winner at shortstop, Ozzie Smith)
1. One free swing at a costumed mascot of my choice
(This weekend he'll be inducted into the National Baseball Hall of Fame. All-star catcher, Gary Carter)

Top Ten Ways America Online Can Win Back Subscribers - July 25, 2003

10. Ten-dollar rebate whenever you type "bacon"
9. Software upgrade so people can run AOL on microwave ovens
8. When you click on something, hilarious "boing" sound effect
7. Every member gets a free pair of "virtual pants"
6. Lessons in online fraud so your monthly bill goes on someone else's credit card
5. Special icon next to screen names of subscribers who are "happenin'"
4. More message boards about monkeys
3. Each trial-offer CD is made of delicious jerky
2. Replace "You've Got Mail" slogan with hipper "Mail-izzle in the Hizzle"
1. Real-time ticker shows how much your AOL stock is tanking

Top Ten Perks of Winning The Tour De France - July 28, 2003

10. Lifetime supply of bearnaise sauce
9. Great discounts on handlebar streamers
8. This week, "Crepes Suzette" changed to "Crepes Lance"
7. You get first pick of the stationary bicycles at participating health clubs
6. Invitation to Men's Wearhouse summer sale: "Tour De Pants"
5. Congratulatory phone call form Gerard Depardieu
4. Really cool icebreaker for your bicycle messenger job interview
3. By pure luck, you're in the public eye right when Liza's available again
2. You can become the most famous cyclist since...uh...you know -- that other guy
1. The French dislike you slightly less than other Americans

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From a Guy in a Horse Costume - July 29, 2003

10. "I'm Seabiscuit's half-brother, Larry Biscuit"
9. "Man, and I thought I smelled bad"
8. "Have you considered a career as a jockey?"
7. "Has anyone seen a cop? I need to report a carriage-jacking"
6. "Believe it or not, there are two of us in here"
5. "Move over, pal -- my hooves are killing me"
4. "Give me an orange soda and a pail of oats with everything"
3. "Hey, it's me -- Saddam Hussein"
2. "You guys interested in trying Taco Bell's new horsemeat fajitas?"
1. "F.Y.I., ladies, I'm out to stud"

10. A lot of "Sorry about the deaths of your monstrous, sadistic sons" bouquets being delivered
9. His garage door used to be white; now it's white with a giant mural of Saddam Hussein
8. Mailman mistakenly puts "Deposed Dictator Monthly" in your box
7. He asks, "When are we having the Baath party -- I mean, the block party?"
6. You hear his television blaring "Queer Eye for the Fallen Dictator Guy"
5. The hourly deliveries of hummus
4. The Kurdish family across the street have really been on edge lately
3. He's in the yard chopping wood to build a beret rack
2. His last houseguest: Haitian dictator "Baby Doc" Duvalier
1. Floating in his swimming pool: an inflatable goat

Top Ten Reasons Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Not Running For Governor of California - July 31, 2003

10. Name wouldn't fit on campaign button
9. Robot from future killed his campaign manager
8. After you're "Mr. Universe," "Governor of California" seems kinda lame
7. Week-long budget talks would leave no time to work on his pecs
6. Can't spell governor
5. Has decided to run for Hulk instead
4. Rumor that they test gubernatorial candidates for steroids
3. Decided he only wants jobs where it's appropriate to be "oiled up"
2. Realized his questionable background and dumb-guy reputation would better qualify him to be president
1. Didn't want to take a 29-million dollar pay cut

Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Summer Concert - August 01, 2003

10. It's held on the median of I-95
9. You can't hear the music over the plane spraying for Monkeypox
8. Every song is either about pancakes or actor Jeff Goldblum
7. The big "encore": a 20-minute apology
6. It's an intimate evening with the late Bing Crosby
5. 90% of the seats are "obstructed view"
4. Biggest crowd response is when lead singer announces that there's a white Ford Taurus with its lights on
3. Britney Spears is sick so her heavyset uncle Larry is filling in
2. Only thing in key -- the feedback
1. Lead singer screams, "Are you ready to rock!?" The audience replies, "Absolutely not!"

Top Ten Real Reasons Colin Powell Is Stepping Down - August 04, 2003

10. Tough to get anything done when boss is on vacation six months a year
9. Whenever it's Rumsfeld's turn to pay the pizza guy, he always seems to have left his wallet at NORAD
8. Fed up after being overlooked on Secretary's Day three years in a row
7. Got a better offer from the North Korean government
6. Angered because Bush would not let him hire State Department dancers
5. According to long-term weather forecasts, 2005 will be a great year for golf
4. Doesn't want to miss a second of CBS smash hit "Cupid"
3. Wants to open his own State Department
2. Just attended a seminar about how anyone can get rich buying real estate with no money down
1. New Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez movie made him lose the will to do anything

Top Ten Mike Tyson Financial Mistakes - August 05, 2003

10. Assembled a balanced investment portfolio of lottery tickets and casino gambling
9. Whenever car ran low on gas, bought a new car
8. Spent 12 grand on new rugs after pet tiger ate the UPS guy
7. Bought paintings by Picasso -- Jim Picasso
6. To get in on the action, sued himself for 50 million dollars
5. If you want to get a really nice face tattoo, you gotta spend a little cash
4. Signed up for bad cellphone deal: Unlimited monthly minutes for an unlimited monthly fee
3. More than once accidentally swallowed all his money
2. Hiring Larry Holmes as his financial advisor
1. Bet everything Bush would find weapons of mass destruction

Top Ten Good Things About Being a Twin - August 06, 2003

10. Picking out his birthday gift is easy -- I just buy what I like
9. We can communicate telepathically, but it really, really hurts
8. As far as our boss knows, we're one guy who puts in tons of overtime
7. Thinking about a new hairstyle? Try it on your twin when she's asleep
6. Check it out -- we're wearing each other's pants!
5. Need money? You can always do one of them Doublemint commercials
4. Actually, it's no big deal. We're fraternal twins
3. We save thousands on mirrors
2. If I ever commit a crime (points to twin) he's going to jail
1. I slept with my brother's wife

Top Ten Arnold Schwarzenegger Campaign Promises - August 07, 2003

10. "To do for politics what I did for acting"
9. "Combine the intelligence of George Bush with the sexual appetite of Clinton"
8. "A heaping tablespoon of Joe Weider's 'Dynamic Body Shaper' in every pot"
7. "Every freeway gets a dedicated car chase lane"
6. "Seek advice from elder political statesmen like Jesse Ventura"
5. "Crack down on schools graduating students who can't bench-press 180 pounds"
4. "Solemnly swear to support the Constitution of Gold's Gym"
3. "Goofiest-named governor since Pataki"
2. "Raise the minimum age for dating Demi Moore"
1. "Speak directly to the voters in clear, honest, broken English"

Top Ten Things Overheard During George W. Bush's Vacation - August 08, 2003

10. "This vacation is flying by -- only 33 days left"
9. "Dang, Springer's a rerun"
8. "These margaritas are weapons of mass destruction"
7. "Whoever's in charge really screwed up the economy"
6. "My God! Mars is coming right at us!"
5. "Don't worry, George. In 17 months, you'll have the longest vacation of your life"
4. "Better start making stuff up for the State of the Union Address"
3. "I'm itching to declare another war"
2. "Proceed with 'Operation Letterman.' Make it look like an accident"
1. "Sitting around doing nothing reminds me of being president"

Top Ten Reasons The National Crime Rate Is Down - August 25, 2003

10. Dozens of boxes of crime reports were stolen
9. Thanks to NAFTA, much of America's crime now committed in Mexico
8. Go on a shooting rampage and miss an all-new episode of "Sex and the City"? Yeah, right!
7. Why steal a DVD player from Circuit City when their prices are so low, they're practically giving them away!
6. O.J. verdict taught the world if you commit a crime, it cuts into golf
5. I don't know...something to do with Mars?
4. Crooks know they'll get caught just like Osama or Saddam
3. Most of the good stuff's already been stolen
2. Winona hasn't gone "shopping" for her fall wardrobe yet
1. All the losers and deadbeats are in California running for governor

Top Ten Real Reasons We're Not Playing In The U.S. Open presented by Serena & Venus Williams - August 27, 2003

10. "Due to the bad economy, this year's winner only gets thirty bucks"
9. "Last year, a dozen players were carried off by giant West Nile mosquitoes"
8. "We can't give you any details, but we're very close to catching Saddam"
7. "You can only hit a ball over the net so many times without getting bored silly"
6. "I heard the Jets need a quarterback"
5. "We're spending our time in the lab developing a third, even more powerful Williams sister"
4. "What? The U.S. Open is this week?"
3. "Can't concentrate on game with Mars so close to Earth"
2. "For once we thought we'd give the other players a chance"
1. "Surprise! We're running for Governor of California"

Top Ten Dumb Guy Explanations For Mars Being Close To Earth - August 28, 2003

10. Somebody must have left their vacuum cleaner running
9. Damn red planet -- you never could trust the Russkies
8. I want pie
7. Who cares? I'm gonna go shoot rats at the dump
6. Mars? Oh, I thought you said Marv
5. The whole galaxy's coming running for Applebee's honey barbecue rib tips
4. Did you say something about marshmallows?
3. Chewbacca -- HELLLLP!
2. Seriously, you got marshmallows?
1. Earth is being Punk'd

Top Ten Things I Have Learned Working For "The Late Show" - August 29, 2003

Top Ten Things Overheard at President Bush's Labor Day Barbecue - September 01, 2003

10. "After 35 days of vacation, I think I've earned a day off"
9. "Secret Service! Cheney's headed for the pork ribs!"
8. "It's true that we haven't found any relish yet, but we believe it exists and we will continue to search for it"
7. "What a great idea to use camp X-ray detainees as waiters"
6. "Check out my hilarious 'Commander-N-Chef' apron!"
5. "These hot dogs are so good, they make me want to invade Frankfurt!"
4. "I still can't believe that moron's president"
3. "Who made this potato salad -- Chemical Ali?"
2. "A toast to all the American taxpayers who paid for this spread"
1. "Laura, honey, am I on fire again?"

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Teacher On The First Day Of School - September 02, 2003

Top Ten Arnold Schwarzenegger Debate Conditions - September 04, 2003

10. Questions may be answered in English, German, or a combination of both
9. Long breaks to allow screenwriters to craft candidates' responses
8. Debate ends when gasoline truck plows through wall and Arnold gets everyone out just before the whole place blows up
7. Candidates may use their time to show 90-second clip from "Terminator"
6. No tricky words like "budget" or "Sacramento"
5. Attire -- bathing suit and baby oil
4. Candidate receives standard 30-million dollar fee, plus 10 percent of box office gross
3. Moderator -- Lou Ferrigno
2. No questions that can't be answered "I'll be back"
1. Arnold must win

Top Ten Surprises In President Bush's Address To The Nation - September 08, 2003

10. Instead of "My fellow Americans," began speech "Mad props to my peeps"
9. In 180-degree shift, is now staunchly pro-terrorism
8. Condoleezza Rice waving sign: "I love you, Carson Daly"
7. The attempt to lure Saddam out of hiding with Redskins tickets
6. Over course of speech, dropped his dog four times
5. Apologized to CBS viewers for preempting "Becker"
4. Thinking it was a radio address, he showed up in a Backstreet Boys t-shirt
3. The phrase "$87 billion" was followed by a comical "boing" sound effect
2. President's suit glammed up by the boys from "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"
1. Midway through speech received open-mouth kiss from Madonna

Top Ten Dr. Phil Weight Loss Tips - September 09, 2003

10. "Stop eating, you fat load!"
9. Changing your life is difficult -- changing the dial on your scale is not
8. Don't waste an hour of your life every day sitting in front of the television
7. Build your own self-esteem by making fun of people who are fatter than you
6. Bully your staff into saying how skinny you look
5. "Do what I did -- borrow money from Oprah and get yourself a personal trainer"
4. No hair equals less weight
3. Start a hobby -- like manufacturing your own psychology degree
2. Resolve to spend no more than $1,500 a week on food
1. Once you find your authentic self, haul its ass in to get some liposuction

Top Ten Things To Remember When Packing And Shipping Yourself - September 10, 2003

10. Clearly mark box "Handle with care -- dumb guy inside"
9. Make sure you're delivered to a Fed Ex location near a hospital
8. Bring a pen to sign for yourself when you get there
7. The "Etc." in "Mail Boxes Etc." stands for shipping live human beings in crates
6. Traveling in box still more comfortable than flying America West
5. Styrofoam peanuts not as tasty as real peanuts
4. It's quicker and cheaper to fax yourself
3. Headset rental is not available in the airplane's cargo hold
2. TiVo "Queer Eye"
1. Be prepared to endure headlines like "Jackass In The Box"

10. Ben had a date that night
9. Until yesterday, Jennifer thought she was marrying Matt Damon
8. Hectic shooting schedule for "Gigli 2"
7. The Sizzler had double-booked a bar-mitzvah on the same night
6. Last night he came home to find her being kissed by Madonna
5. Only way they can think of to postpone their divorce
4. Somehow Letterman actually got an invitation
3. The "something borrowed" was a wedding gown Winona got at Saks
2. They both suddenly realized "What the hell are we doing?"
1. Caterer needed more time to make plastic wedding-cake bride with gigantic ass

Top Ten Things I Want To Say To All Americans presented by 2004 Miss America Ericka Dunlap - September 22, 2003

10. "'d like to say something to all the guys who dumped me...actually, I've never been dumped"
9. "One time I breathed in too much hairspray and thought there was a bear in my house"
8. "I completed the evening wear competition with a mouthful of chili"
7. "So far this year I have more wins than the Jets"
6. " I realize two years from now I'll be working at a boat show"
5. "Turns out scholarship I won is a $50 gift certificate to Circuit City"
4. "Letterman is not better looking in person"
3. "Donald Trump -- stop calling me"
2. "Backstage, I saw Dr. Phil eat an entire chocolate cake"
1. "Schwarzenegger for Governor? Are you people morons?"

Top Ten Surprises In President Bush's Address To The United Nations - September 23, 2003

10. Admitted taking longer than expected to mismanage the rebuilding of Iraq
9. President Bush wearing "Kucinich in 2004" campaign button
8. Kept referring to the United Nations as the International House of Pancakes
7. He formally surrendered to North Korea
6. After a few remarks, turned it over to Dr. Phil who discussed weight loss
5. Labeling Jim Belushi as a member of the "Axis of Evil"
4. Usual smug smirk even smugger and smirkier
3. His opening act: Beyonce, with very special guest Jay-Z
2. "Speech" was nothing more than recipe for Laura's Quick 'N' Easy Chicken-Fried Steak
1. The part where he screamed, "Save us, Schwarzenegger!"

Top Ten Ways Arnold Schwarzenegger Prepared For The Debate - September 24, 2003

10. Bribed moderator not to call on him
9. Drew inspiration from the wise words of Chuck Norris
8. Soothed his nerves with a gin-and-protein-powder martini
7. Asked campaign stafff to devise new and exciting ways to mangle the English language
6. Prepare? Only wimps prepare?
5. Watched George W. Bush debate highlights, did the opposite
4. Boned up on issues facing California with six-episode marathon of "The O.C."
3. Attempted to travel forward in time to see what he was about to do wrong
2. Brushed up on topics he doesn't know much about -- education, budget deficits, welfare, tax policy, immigration laws and corporate fraud
1. "Oiled his glutes," if you know what I mean

Top Ten Bald Guys Pickup Lines - September 26, 2003

10. "You're beautiful, and that's not just the Rogaine talking"
9. "I will shower you with gifts with the money I save not buying shampoo"
8. "Would you like to run your fingers through my head?"
7. "Your eyes are sparkling -- or maybe that's just the glare off my head"
6. "Yeah, that's right, I'm TV's Paul Shaffer"
5. "I don't have any paper, but you can write your phone number on my forehead"
4. "Close your eyes and pretend I'm Dick Cheney"
3. "Wanna go back to my place and see my hairpiece?"
2. "There are two things missing from my life: healthy hair follicle growth and you"
1. "Wanna buff me?"

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear In a Music Store
(Presented via Hidden Camera by Jack Black) - September 29, 2003

10. "You know I murdered my first hitchhiker to that album"
9. "Do you wanna reenact the Madonna-Britney kiss? I'll be Britney...or Madonna"
8. "You look kinda Garfunkelly"
7. "Dude, you gotta listen to this tape I made of a couple raccoons doin' it"
6. "The Liza Minnelli section's over there"
5. "F.Y.I., I'm nailing Sam Goody's wife"
4. "Stay away from aisle three -- Puffy's got a gun"
3. "Dance... Dance... Dance... Dance... Dance..."
2. "What a shock seeing you in a store called 'Virgin'"
1. "I'm sorry these listening stations are down, but I can sing this one for you if you want..." (he sings)

Top Ten Things Going Through Laura Bush's Mind At This Moment (getting kissed on the hand by French President Jacques Chirac) - September 30, 2003

10. "This guy's as drunk as my husband"
9. "Enjoying the view there, buddy?"
8. "What the hell are we paying those Secret Service guys for?"
7. "Maybe I'll leak him the names of a few CIA agents"
6. "Good thing George never reads the newspaper"
5. "He just called me 'Mrs. Schwarzenegger'"
4. "Dang, mama's in love!"
3. "Hey -- where's my wedding ring?"
2. "This is more embarrassing than when my husband dropped the dog"
1. "He wants to show me his Eiffel Tower"

Top Ten Questions Received by the Schwarzenegger For Governor Hotline - October 01, 2003

10. "What's Arnold's poorly-worded plan to fix the economy?"
9. "Why is Arnold campaigning in St. Louis?"
8. "Will he govern shirtless?"
7. "Is he going to take a leave of absence if he becomes pregnant again?"
6. "Just to clarify -- will he be back?"
5. "When is this Governor movie coming out?"
4. "Did Arnold get the egg I tossed to him?"
3. "Is this the Tom Arnold for Governor hotline?"
2. "Can you tell Mr. Schwarzenegger his steroid shipment has arrived?"
1. "What time is tonight's group sex fundraiser?

Top Ten Items On Rush Limbaugh's To-Do List - October 03, 2003

10. Apologize for racist remarks by explaining he was high on illegal painkillers
9. Pat down friends and family to see who's wearing a wire
8. Announce his candidacy for governor of California
7. End pill addiction -- get back to sandwich addiction
6. Search desperately for some way to blame the Clintons
5. Make moves on soon-to-be-single Halle Berry
4. Tell Donovan McNabb derogatory remarks were part of new season of "'d"
3. Brunch with Robert Downey Jr.
2. Dinner with Trent Lott
1. Check job listings for pompous blowhard

Top Ten Ways California Would Be Different If I, Gary Coleman, Had Been Elected Governor - October 08, 2003

10. "Pretty much the same as Schwarzenegger, but less body oil"
9. "Three words: Lieutenant Governor Urkel"
8. "Thanks to my innocent charm, I'd get away with 60% more groping"
7. "I guess I'd have to quit my job as a security guard"
6. "You may not agree with me, but at least you could understand me"
5. "Inaugural address would have a laugh track"
4. "Television viewers wouldn't know if they were watching C-Span or Nick at Nite"
3. "Wouldn't have to worry about me having to take time off to do movies"
2. "I would form a task force to find out exactly what Willis was talking about"
1. "Unlike Schwarzenegger, I would admit I'm not qualified"

Top Ten Things Never Before Said By a Hooters Girl - October 09, 2003

10. "You're not nearly obnoxious enough, sir -- may I bring you a few more beers?"
9. "If my outfit makes you uncomfortable, I could put on a robe or something"
8. "I'll hurry these orders so you'll be out in time for the symphony"
7. "I hope to still be working here in forty years"
6. "My healthy glow comes from standing too close to the Fry-O-Lator"
5. "Oh no, sir, please, that's far too big a tip"
4. "Hey grandma, guess where I got a job?"
3. "Dave's not as strange-looking as he is on TV"
2. "Arnold Schwarzenegger is a perfect gentleman"
1. "Why can't I find a man who'll appreciate me for my enormous breasts?"

Top Ten Pieces Of Advice Gray Davis Has For Arnold Schwarzenegger - October 10, 2003

Top Ten Surprises In The Barbara Walters Interview With Martha Stewart - October 14, 2003

10. Under pressure, Martha sometimes swallows her chaw
9. Barbara showing gratitude for illegal stock tip that paid for new Hummer
8. When Don Zimmer rushed in and took a swing at Martha
7. Martha grew up in poor neighborhood where several households had to share single spice rack
6. The Madonna and Britney-style open mouth kiss
5. Martha introducing her fiance, Ben Affleck
4. Entire hour spent breaking down this week's Bears-Seahawks game
3. Barbara closing with, "See ya in 3 to 5"
2. Martha's first book, "Entertaining," was ghost-written by a young Dave Letterman
1. The two women comparing their "groped by Schwarzenegger" stories

Top Ten Cool Things About Having a Bodybuilder as Governor - October 15, 2003

10. Every California classroom will have a Soloflex
9. The Mr. Olympia contest now gets full coverage on C-SPAN
8. Was it not Thomas Jefferson who said we were all entitled to "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of a sweet-ass set of delts"?
7. He'll take that 8-billion-dollar deficit and... uh... punch it, I guess
6. I'm on the short list for Lieutenant Governor
5. Will put an end to America's dependence on foreign protein shakes
4. He'll veto bills by doing this (flexes)
3. He is nice
2. It's very entertaining -- as long as he's not governor of your state
1. He'll have something to fall back on when he gets recalled

Top Ten Perks of Being Stationed In Iraq - October 16, 2003

10. "Access to Saddam's extensive collection of Barbra Streisand CDs"
(Sergeant Lillian Rodriguez)
9. "I'm the only Jonathan Atwood in the Baghdad phonebook"
(Specialist Jonathan Atwood)
8. "You play cards with those Iraqi government decks -- we use the actual guys"
(Sergeant First Class Timothy Bird)
7. "We get to test out the Army's new bulletproof camel"
(Sergeant Kevin Kirk)
6. "You don't need Dr. Phil to lose weight here -- you just sweat your ass off"
(Private First Class Daniel Ruiz)
5. "When the C.O. isn't looking, I like to tiptoe around the presidential palace and play dictator for a while"
(Specialist Nyria Roach)
4. "It's fun to pick up the phone and say, 'No, Uday and Qusay are not available right now because they're dead'"
(Specialist Jason Williams)
3. "Goodbye standard-issue army tent, hello billion-dollar palace"
(Sergeant First Class Edwin Kolb)
2. "CBS comedies are even funnier in Kurdish"
(Specialist Jonathan Moore)
1. "The farther away from the state of California, the better"
(Specialist Noel Ellis)

Top Ten Messages Left on the Answering Machine of the Cubs Fan Who Tried To Catch the Foul Ball in Game Six - October 17, 2003

10. "You owe me $7.50 for the beer I threw at you"
9. "'I'm with Century 21 -- heard you might be moving"
8. "Hey, I just got back in the country -- how was the game?"
7. "'Don't worry, I'm sure we'll get another shot at the World Series in 2098"
6. "This is Pete Rose. You cost me 50 G's, jackass!"
5. "Hey, it's Don Zimmer. Thanks for taking the heat off me"
4. "Hi, this is Mike from Hasbro. I'm calling to verify some information for your Trivial Pursuit question"
3. "Have you heard about Northfield Medical's great prices on cosmetic surgery?"
2. "Hey, it's Bill Buckner. Wanna hang out?"
1. "Rush Limbaugh here. Gimme a buzz if you need something to take the edge off"

Top Ten Effects of the Geomagnetic Storm - October 27, 2003

10. Yankee bats rendered powerless
9. Straight men give gay men makeovers
8. For your safety, Taco Bell advises thinking inside the bun until storm is over
7. All cell phones have the same ring -- the theme from "Rocky"
6. George W. Bush speaks clearly
5. At grocery checkouts, all products scan as those Stella D'Oro butter cookies
4. Technical glitch causes old jokes to appear in Top Ten list
3. Clintern
2. Liza Minnelli kicks the crap out of everything in sight
1. A musclehead will rise to lead California

Top Ten Demands Of New York City Cab Drivers - October 28, 2003

10. Passengers can't disturb drivers who are in the middle of cell-phone conversations
9. More reasonable 23-hour workday
8. Removal of distracting colored lights from city's intersections
7. Ban passengers reeking of soap
6. For driver's safety, turban must inflate on impact
5. Photos on hack licenses doctored to give handsome Robert Goulet-type mustache
4. I don't know, fewer stabbings
3. A cab may remain in service as long as it has at least two wheels
2. In every front passenger seat: a peppy chimpanzee sidekick
1. Right-of-way goes to driver giving the finger

Top Ten Things Overheard in the Meeting Between Jennifer Lopez and Mayor Bloomberg - October 29, 2003

10. "Ever done it with a short billionaire?"
9. "I'm still in love with Ben Affleck... How about you, Jennifer?"
8. "Deep down, I'm still just Bloomberg from the block"
7. "I'm glad there are no pressing issues facing the city so I can waste my afternoon talking to a pop star"
6. "Call me 'M-Blo'"
5. "That doesn't feel like the key to the city, your Honor"
4. "I know I'm a multi-billionaire, but I still want the nine bucks I wasted on 'Gigli'"
3. "Baby, I should arrest you because you're in New York City and you're smokin'!"
2. "So how long have you been president of New York, Mr. Bloomstein?"
1. "Would you care to meet the 'Deputy Mayor,' if you know what I mean?"

Top Ten Things Never Before Said By Wolf Blitzer - October 30, 2003

10. "For a hundred dollars, I'll mention your name on CNN tonight"
9. "Have you seen Peter Jennings around here? That sum bitch owes me money"
8. "You know, it's a really slow news day today -- you wanna knock over a 7-11?"
7. "Saddam Hussein is in that Starbucks over there -- just keep it quiet"
6. "Once I got drunk at the CNN Christmas party and let's put it this way, the next day I woke up wearing Larry King's suspenders"
5. "Would you like to be the one hundredth person today to touch my beard?"
4. "You didn't hear it from me, but next week we're attacking Sweden"
3. "In case you missed last night's CNN newscast, let me give you the headlines...there's a major dispute between the hawks in the Bush administration, Don Rumsfeld, the Secretary of Defense, versus the doves, the Secretary of State Colin Powell. Let's review all the factual issues right now in this dispute"
2. I'm going on CNN in five minutes -- what's the Vice President's name again?"
1. "The Wolf is on the prowl, ladies"

Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That Dave's Not Here - November 03, 2003

10. "I've developed asthma from all the fake laughing"
9. "Beneath that hairpiece, Dave is as bald as I am"
8. "Funny, when my kids were born, somebody still made me come in for the show"
7. "There's no baby -- Dave's hung over"
6. "I'm not going to say what, but I put my bare ass on something in Dave's office"
5. "Blah blah blah blah blah -- it's my show now and I can waste time whenever I want"
4. "I can finally admit it -- I got Dave fired from NBC"
3. "It's f**king freeezing in here!"
2. "These lame little Top Ten lists got tired around 1996"
1. "I prefer Leno"

Top Ten Reasons I'm Excited To Be A Father - November 04, 2003

10. Instead of "You suck, Dave," I can look forward to "You suck, Dad"
9. All of America will get to watch him grow up on television, just like Cody Gifford!
8. My used hairpieces make cuddly fuzzy pals
7. Only the most cold-hearted state trooper would ticket a guy with an adorable baby
6. Asking mom to watch baby perfect way to keep her away from dog track
5. I stocked up on moist towelettes from the hospital supply room
4. Great new excuse for not hanging out with Regis
3. Anxious to put to use all the practice I've had raising my pet monkey Kenny
2. Two words: Swedish nanny
1. There is now tangible evidence that I have had sex

Top Ten Inaccuracies In The CBS Miniseries "The Regans" - November 05, 2003

10. Not enough steamy sex between President and White House interns
9. It was about brother and sister accountants Carl and Linda Reagan of Syosset, New York
8. CBS' transparent attempt at self-promotion by having Bob Barker play Gorbachev
7. All that Matrix-style kung-fu
6. James Brolin kept breaking character to remind everyone to get an annual transmission checkup at Aamco
5. Wasn't "Reagany" enough
4. Yeah right, like America could really have a dumb President
3. Ron and Nancy's long debate over whether Letterman's too old to have a kid
2. Pretty sure the President didn't speak in that Snoop Dogg "Izzle" language
1. Nancy was never a Hooters girl

Top Ten Other Rumors About The British Royal Family - November 11, 2003

10. Two-thirds of Royal family have been sired by Mick Jagger
9. Hors d'oeuvres at state dinners: Velveeta and mini pizza bagels
8. All that's left of the crown jewels is an old Timex
7. Since polo accident, Prince Philip thinks he's a waiter at T.G.I. Friday's
6. They're not really in charge -- Dick Cheney's secretly calling the shots
5. The Queen will knight anyone who buys her smokes
4. They ripped off family crest from old Grateful Dead album cover
3. Trading in grand palaces for bitchin' condo near Boca
2. I don't know about mash, but Princess Anne loves her bangers, if you know what I mean
1. Prince William often caught "polishing his scepter"

Top Ten Paris Hilton Explanations - November 12, 2003

10. "It was a tender act of love between me and my then-boyfriend, Rick something"
9. "Would've been rude not to sleep with him after he spent so much on the camera"
8. "He told me we were making a workout video"
7. "C'mon, there's nothing on that tape that you wouldn't find in any hardcore adult film"
6. "Some ideas just sound better after 9 cosmopolitans"
5. "Dude, I was 'Punk'd!'"
4. "Oh, like you've never had a sex tape thrown all over the Internet"
3. "He swore there was no tape in the camera"
2. "Rehearsing for upcoming CBS television movie: 'The Schwarzeneggers'"
1. "I found a condom in my clam chowder and didn't want to waste it"

Top Ten Signs Rush Limbaugh Might Not Be Ready To Come Back To Work - November 13, 2003

10. "Accidentally" falls down stairs 2, 3 times a day to get the pain pills
9. Named his two new puppies "Oxy" and "Contin"
8. Keeps going up to the roof to see if he can fly like that guy from "The Matrix"
7. Thoroughly enjoyed last night's "Becker"
6. He's currently following Phish around the Pacific northwest
5. Responds to all callers, "Here, kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty"
4. Could swear he saw sheep being herded down Broadway
3. Yesterday he did a three hour show into the drive-thru speaker at Jack in the Box
2. These days, only 80% blowhard
1. Released amateur sex video making love to himself

Top Ten Good Things About Finding a Condom In Your Clam Chowder - November 14, 2003

10. Only slightly more rubbery and unappealing than clams
9. It's better than finding a clam in your condom
8. Provides 35% of the recommended daily allowance of latex
7. You can use it to take home any clam chowder you don't finish
6. Ever eat Cracker Jacks? Well, think of it as a prize
5. It made the Band-Aid salad look like a gourmet meal
4. Does the phrase "damages for emotional pain and suffering" ring a bell?"
3. Mmm Mmm Ribbed!
2. For Bill Clinton, it's one-stop shopping
1. It's a lot better than not finding it

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear In a Bowling Alley - November 18, 2003

10. "I was wearing those shoes earlier -- hope you like athlete's foot"
9. "Someone tried to flush a pin down the toilet"
8. "I'm guessing your sex life is one big gutter ball"
7. "Whoever owns a red Honda Civic, I just threw a bowling ball through your windshield"
6. "Wanna go back to my place and try a seven-ten split?"
5. "This is roughly the weight of a severed human head"
4. "I lost my virginity on lane 5"
3. "Somebody lose a thumb?"
2. "A bowling alley? Nice going, Romeo"
1. "You know, you strike me as the type of guy who polishes his ball every night"

Top Ten George W. Bush Complaints About England - November 19, 2003

10. "Clocks are five hours fast"
9. "Everybody's speaking some crazy foreign language"
8. "Harry Potter won't return phone calls"
7. "So touchy about minor things...like going to war under false pretenses"
6. "They don't know where Saddam is either"
5. "Queen Elizabeth not half as funny as 'King of Queens'"
4. "Disappointed to learn 'Big Ben' is just a giant clock"
3. "Pack a gum costs 2 pounds -- who carries two pounds of money?!"
2. "I've been here for 36 hours and Prince Charles hasn't made a single move on me"
1. "Driving on the left reminds me of my drinking days"

Top Ten Perks Of Being a Playboy Playmate - November 20, 2003

10. You've got yourself one really impressive passport photo
Miss November 1999
9. Parts of me count as a tax deduction
Miss December 2002
8. Get to appear on one of the top four late night talk shows
Miss November 1992
7. On our birthdays, Hef takes us to Applebee's for all-you-can-eat riblets
Miss August 1994
6. How many people can say they've skinny-dipped with Jay-Z and Alan Greenspan in the same night?
Miss April 1993
5. Chance for men to appreciate my sparkling wit and enormous breasts
Miss February 1999
4. Can use this as a springboard to the Supreme Court, just like Sandra Day O'Connor
Miss April 1994
3. I've never gotten a speeding ticket
Miss May 2003
2. We got to meet Scott Baio!
Millennium Playmates January 2000 (twins)
1. I bought a house with the money I saved on pants
Playmate of the Year 1995

Top Ten Excuses of the Guy Arrested For Smuggling 750 Pounds of Bologna - November 24, 2003

10. "I wanted to get my Christmas shopping done early"
9. "Used to smuggle drugs, but now everybody's into the Atkins diet"
8. "It seemed like a good idea when I was drunk"
7. "First I get caught mailing myself in a crate and now this"
6. "Rush Limbaugh has a new addiction"
5. "If I refused, Oscar Mayer was going to kill my family"
4. "I can't bring luncheon meats across the border? What is this, Russia?"
3. "Was just a decoy for the guy smuggling 800 pounds of olive loaf"
2. "How about I give you fifty pounds of bologna to make this whole problem go away?"
1. "It was medical bologna"

Top Ten Reasons Paris Hilton Should Appear On The Late Show - November 25, 2003

10. Chance to show America what she looks like with her clothes on
9. If she had a talk show, I'd be a guest on that one
8. It's time Paris Hilton got some publicity
7. If she doesn't, what kind of message is that sending to the kids?
6. Promise to ignore scandal and focus on other things she's done, like...uh...
5. Paul once swiped some towels from a Hilton hotel and wants to return them
4. Six words: Hot Pockets in the green room
3. She fine
2. Don't show up and my debutante friends will freeze you out of high society
1. If she wants, she can see me naked

Top Ten Things I, Dave, Am Thankful For - November 26, 2003

10. Liza's available!
9. If I pick up the phone and tell the dude I want pizza, in half an hour I got pizza
8. Clay Aiken was here Monday, and this place still smells great
7. Slurpees, cigarettes and that's about it
6. My housekeeper still supplies me with illegal painkillers
5. Since July, Dr. Phil has helped me lose over 150 pounds
4. Scientists have found a way to make Doritos even nacho cheesier
3. Tonight's incredible audience!
2. The smile of my newborn child / wide selection at Office Max (tie)
1. Hotel heiresses and their access to video cameras

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From A Guy Dressed As A Pilgrim - November 27, 2003

10. "I got a trunk full of black market sweet potatoes"
9. "The store's out of turkey -- have you seen any big pigeons?"
8. "I'd like to give thanks for your smokin' body"
7. "They cooked Jimmy! They cooked Jimmy!"
6. "I had one of those queer makeovers, and this is what the jackasses came up with"
5. "You might be shocked to learn this, but my pants are full of cranberry sauce"
4. "I really felt stupid in this until I saw what you were wearing"
3. "In about five minutes, you're gonna see a drunk, half-naked pilgrim"
2. "Anyone touches the hat, I'm gonna shove a cornucopia right up your ass"
1. "No leftovers at your house, huh chief?"

10. "Martha's carving the turkey with a shiv"
9. "The yams really accentuate your jumpsuit"
8. "Let's give thanks that we live in a country where vast wealth still has a good shot at keeping you out of prison"
7. "Federal agents -- come out -- you're surrounded"
6. "I didn't feel like doing much this year, so everything's from Roy Rogers"
5. "A meal like that is worth a dozen cartons of cigarettes"
4. "I don't know about justice, but you sure obstructed my diet tonight"
3. "I'm totally gonna bid on that couch at the government auction"
2. "Malt liquor -- it's a good thing"
1. "We should do this again in 4 to 6 years"

Top Ten Ways New York City Is Different When It Snows - December 08, 2003

10. Crack diluted with road salt
9. Hardware stores charge a reasonable 40 dollars for snow shovel
8. Cabs' bald tires replaced by bald snow tires
7. Ed Sullivan Theater suddenly the warmest place in town
6. Due to the wind chill factor, Jets' 5-and-8 record feels like 5-and-23
5. There's an amazing stillness aside from, you know, the car alarms and gun shots
4. Radio City Rockettes dance in cross-country skis
3. Instead of garbage, Regis is pelted with snowballs
2. 911 closes so emergency personnel can go sledding
1. At least now you can see the urine

Top Ten Reasons Al Gore Endorsed Howard Dean - December 09, 2003

10. Thought Dean would give the most dynamic concession speech
9. Howard Dean reminds him of Jimmy Dean, who makes them breakfast sausages
8. Only way to counteract freight-train success of Kucinich campaign
7. His support could get Dean popular vote, for what that's worth
6. Judgement clouded by Melana not selecting Adam on "Average Joe"
5. Dean promised to totally be his best friend forever
4. Wants Howard Dean to do for America what he did for Vermont...whatever the hell that was
3. Maybe it was the eleven vodka gimlets
2. The dart hit Dean's name
1. As a doctor, Dean has a legitimate excuse for fondling interns

Top Ten Signs You're at a Bad Office Christmas Party - December 10, 2003

10. Santa hired for party arrives handcuffed to his parole officer
9. Eggnog tastes like Gatorade and wite-out
8. This year, it's your turn to be the pinata
7. Everyone's arrested for listening to illegally downloaded Bing Crosby CD
6. Instead of "The Night Before Christmas," boss recites employees' personal e-mails.
5. Party expenses are deducted from your 401K
4. It's held in August
3. The caterer: Chef Boy-ar-dee
2. Your boss insists on reading one of his lame top ten lists
1. Party consists of you, Bill Clinton, and a whole lot of mistletoe

Top Ten Questions Asked By Saddam Hussein When He Was Captured - December 15, 2003

10. "Be honest...have you ever seen a nicer spider hole than this?"
9. "Who's got a coat hanger -- this beard itches like a son of a bitch!"
8. "Anyone have a mint?"
7. "Is this about the illegal music downloads?"
6. "Am I going to be on 'Cops'?"
5. "Which describes me better right now -- 'haggard' or 'grizzled'?"
4. "How did you get past my impenetrable styrofoam brick?"
3. "Do I get the 25-million-dollar reward?"
2. "How's the war going?"
1. "Will you go easy on me if I tell you where Martha Stewart is hiding?"

10. "Saddam" is Kurdish for "Duane"
9. Had just acquired a New York City cabdriver's license
8. Surprisingly, dots his "I"s with hearts
7. You won't find a bigger Clay Aiken fan
6. Four of clubs? Gay
5. His "divine plan for world domination" was written on back of Blimpie's coupon
4. Continued to name himself "Iraqi of the Month" right through November
3. Was working on a book of "You Might Be a Dictator If..." jokes
2. Funneled money to ABC to throw Trista and Ryan a fabulous wedding
1. He wrote letters to "Penthouse" under name "Sexy in Spider Hole"

Top Ten Other Observations Made By Saddam Hussein's Daughter - December 17, 2003

10. "Once you get to know him, he's really nice until he kills you"
9. "The real crime is he's not getting a penny from being on those playing cards"
8. "If anyone wants a giant portrait of Saddam, I've got a garage full of them"
7. "When Uday and Qusay hear about this, they're gonna lose it"
6. "My dad isn't as screwed as the New York Giants"
5. "Compared to the Jacksons, my family is not so odd"
4. "That 'Lord of the Rings' crap is an absolute nerd-fest"
3. "Oprah's nuts if she doesn't appear on the Super Bowl of Love"
2. "While in Tikrit, try the Iraqi kabob at Ernies. Thank me later"
1. "That wasn't Saddam -- that was Nick Nolte"

Top Ten Late Show Christmas Carols - December 18, 2003

10. "I Saw Saddam In a Spider Hole"
9. "Prescription Pills, Prescription Pills, It's Rehab Time For Rush"
8. "Joseph Lieberman Got Screwed By His Friend Al Gore"
7. "I'm Dreaming of Paris Hilton, Having Sex On The Internet"
6. "Michael The Nose Job Jackson, Had a Lot of Legal Fees"
5. "Silent Night, Silent Night, Must Be Another Dennis Kucinich Rally"
4. "Phylicia Rashad, Phylicia Rashad, Phylicia Rashad, I Haven't Seen Her In Anything In a While"
3. "I'll Be Home For Christmas, If Not, Can You TiVo 'Queer Eye'?"
2. "Grope, The Arnold Plaintiffs Claim"
1. "We Wish We Were on Jay Leno, We Wish We Were On Jay Leno, We Wish We Were On Jay Leno, But Our Agent's No Good"