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It seems like hardly a day goes by on here that I don't read some post or another about someone stuck in some personal sandpit - and it seems rather obvious to me that the source of the problem has more to do with mental health than simply "the HIV did it" - yet people seem very reticent about posting in this particular forum. There's only been a relatively small number of us who have done so, while the more common tactic is to gloss over this possibility in favor of just blaming the AIDS Monster.

It almost seems like mental health is seen as a stigma even among the stigmatized. That may be so in the world at large, but I don't understand why that should be so even here.

To be blunt, I don't see why that is so even in the "regular world". The notion that, despite known maladies to EVERY other part of the body, the brain is somehow supposed to be magically devoid of any physiological issues is...well, crazy. And I also tend to think that it's folly to think that you should be able to navigate through life unscarred or without ever needing to talk things through not only with peers but with professionals on occasion as well. We have to be taught everything from how to walk to how to wipe ourselves, and we turn to professionals for not only physical issues but life issues (like taxes and stuff), but people seem to believe it is somehow "weak" to talk about their own mental and emotional issues or to seek out professional counseling.

I was the very same way once, and it did extreme damage to my life. It cost me relationships and opportunites. Heck...if I would have addressed my mental health issues in a timely manner, I may not have ended up here. Who knows?

So I've finally learned to say goodbye to that stigma and own my "crazy". I hope some of you will, too.

Perhaps if some of the posters on these boards weren't scanning everything you say to be used as ammunition later on then we would have more open discussions about hardships related to mental and emotional health.

Very well put Tim. I would say each and every one of us at some point in our lives will need professional direction when dealing with mental stress. I have been in therapy before and found it to be very helpful.

Me too Tim, I have sexual abuse issues as a child, and I currently have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) form my former job, and past military service, you are not alone Tim, it takes a man to admit these things, and an even bigger man to discuss them Thanks for your post now I don't feel so alone around here anymore

« Last Edit: April 14, 2011, 02:26:36 PM by denb45 »

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Me too Tim, I have sexual abuse issues as a child, and I currently have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) form my former job, and past military service, you are not alone Tim, it takes a man to admit these things, and an even bigger man to discuss them Thanks for your post now I don't feel so alone around here anymore

Right on, babe. I'm glad the posting has helped you some. I'd love it if we could all break past that mental health barrier that seems so pervasive. We've all got scars and worries and fears, addictons and disorders. I've been strung out, strung up and strung along by mine. I admit it.

Excellent post, Tim! I think the stigma behind mental illness is an old misconception that it is some kind of character flaw or individual weakness, and that those with mental health problems just need to fix it themselves. We wouldn't say that to people with cancer, so why would we say this to people with depression or bipolar or schizophrenia?

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We've all got scars and worries and fears, addictons and disorders. I've been strung out, strung up and strung along by mine. I admit it.

So true. I'm much more comfortable with people who admit to this, and seek professional help when necessary, rather than those who profess to live a perfectly fabulous and drama-free life.

Cheers,

Henry

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"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." - Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

It almost seems like mental health is seen as a stigma even among the stigmatized. That may be so in the world at large, but I don't understand why that should be so even here.

So I've finally learned to say goodbye to that stigma and own my "crazy". I hope some of you will, too.

My name is Tim, and I have mental and emotional health issues.

Dear Tim, I could not agree more, however your own response, lends credence to the idea that mental health issues = crazy. I have mental health issues, but I am far from crazy. I grew up with the idea that only crazy people went to psychiatrists and what would the family and neighbors think if they knew. Baby boomer men were also raised to be "real men" which meant you did not feel, nor did you ever let too much emotion show, cause then you were "girly". Add to all that, the fact that the field of psychiatry was much less utilized back then and they wonder why folks are so mentally damaged.

I support your idea to strengthen this forum and I promise to make my contributions. For me, my mental health now centers on believing that I am what I am and that is enough. I am not perfect, never claimed to be and I matter. I matter to me and for me, that is enough.

Right On Brother, Joe I'm not crazy, I'm functional in society, I might be a little eccentric, kinky, & very twisted to some of you, but I'm not crazy, some people get me, but others do not, I do hope that all ofthe folks that don't get me and think I'm crazy, do come to understand all of this, and this is a verygood place to start, Now I want to see who else can come to this table of discussion will see, I guess

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

It seems like hardly a day goes by on here that I don't read some post or another about someone stuck in some personal sandpit - and it seems rather obvious to me that the source of the problem has more to do with mental health than simply "the HIV did it" - yet people seem very reticent about posting in this particular forum. There's only been a relatively small number of us who have done so, while the more common tactic is to gloss over this possibility in favor of just blaming the AIDS Monster.

It almost seems like mental health is seen as a stigma even among the stigmatized. That may be so in the world at large, but I don't understand why that should be so even here.

To be blunt, I don't see why that is so even in the "regular world". The notion that, despite known maladies to EVERY other part of the body, the brain is somehow supposed to be magically devoid of any physiological issues is...well, crazy. And I also tend to think that it's folly to think that you should be able to navigate through life unscarred or without ever needing to talk things through not only with peers but with professionals on occasion as well. We have to be taught everything from how to walk to how to wipe ourselves, and we turn to professionals for not only physical issues but life issues (like taxes and stuff), but people seem to believe it is somehow "weak" to talk about their own mental and emotional issues or to seek out professional counseling.

I was the very same way once, and it did extreme damage to my life. It cost me relationships and opportunites. Heck...if I would have addressed my mental health issues in a timely manner, I may not have ended up here. Who knows?

So I've finally learned to say goodbye to that stigma and own my "crazy". I hope some of you will, too.

My name is Tim, and I have mental and emotional health issues.

Totally feel what you're saying. I think my personal issues are what led to the behavior that led to teh aids. This may well be true for many others, but I know I was deeply flawed long before my poz dx. I'm not saying the two must go hand in hand, but it is hard to deny the link. I would love to say every problem in my life is BECAUSE of aids, but when I really look hard at myself I think it is more likely the other way around.

For the record: I was putting the "crazy" in quotes, kind of just trying to play on peoples' perceptions of it. I certainly don't want to perpetuate it.

I wasn't accusing you of perpetuating the myth, just showing how natural it is for us to connect mental health issues with being crazy. I also want to add, that regardless of how many people actually post in this thread, many people will read these comments and hopefully they will represent hope to them, that they matter and that others share those feelings. I often find that I am unable to fully describe something, until I see the same idea presented by another person. When we share our experience, there are common threads that almost everyone can relate to and by sharing we help to expand the understanding of mental health issues.

When we share our experience, there are common threads that almost everyone can relate to and by sharing we help to expand the understanding of mental health issues.

I've always said we (humanity) have more in common than in differences. white/black/brown gay/straight/bi man/woman/trans christian/jew/muslim whatever it is... if we all just shared our common HUMAN experience it would make the differences seem insignificant, and probably be comforting to know we're not nearly as alone as we often feel.

I've always trended toward depression. And I've been involuntarily committed once. And most of my adult life I've abused drugs. And I got this fkn bug. But most people think I'm a very secure and stable guy, because that's what I project. Doesn't make it so, but, we all have our defense mechanisms to hide our dirty little truths.

Everyone has a breaking point. Finding it is never pleasant. Looking for a shoulder isn't a sign a weakness. And finding a shoulder, is always a relief.

I've always said we (humanity) have more in common than in differences. white/black/brown gay/straight/bi man/woman/trans christian/jew/muslim whatever it is... if we all just shared our common HUMAN experience it would make the differences seem insignificant, and probably be comforting to know we're not nearly as alone as we often feel.

I've always trended toward depression. And I've been involuntarily committed once. And most of my adult life I've abused drugs. And I got this fkn bug. But most people think I'm a very secure and stable guy, because that's what I project. Doesn't make it so, but, we all have our defense mechanisms to hide our dirty little truths.

Everyone has a breaking point. Finding it is never pleasant. Looking for a shoulder isn't a sign a weakness. And finding a shoulder, is always a relief.

Zach, that last little paragraph is terrific. Well said.

Sometimes, though, I wonder what my breaking point really is because....well, most of the stuff that people might call "acting out" behavior is stuff that I kinda enjoy - and still do...just not as much as I used to. Sometimes it's unhealthy, but sometimes it's just plain fun. I mean: Sex - check. Drugs - yup. Rock & Roll - you betcha.

Sometimes, it's hard for me to tell if I'm breaking - or just kinda bending a little.

It's sort of a hairy way to navigate because I recognize that some activities can be a bit perilous, but on the other hand...they're some of the very activities that can make life living for me.

Sometimes I feel that I have to apologize for my off-the-wall antics in these forums, but, I digress, if I ever hurt anyone of you, are made any of you feel bad, are I've embarrassed you somehow, please forgive me,that's how I work thur all of this madness I got going inside my head..

it's really hard to express the way I might be feeling @ times, and texts or mere-words cannot convey it, to make any scene of it, I'm only human and like many, I'm flawed, I have issues, but the best I can do about them, is work thur some of them... no I'm currently not seeking professional help, as I know, that in the pastthey have always told me, that there is nothing really wrong with me, so I guess, I cannot really argue this fact, but sometimes. like many of you, I have my doubts

I would like to thank all of you for your continued support, and I hope that it NEVER go's away, like I said I'm not prefect, I know I'll always have a home here with all of you, and that make me happy and not sad

« Last Edit: April 14, 2011, 09:20:50 PM by denb45 »

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

I've certainly had my share of mental health issues. For example, when I was sixteen I spent three months in an adult psychiatric hospital after a suicide attempt. My admission there was supposed to be temporary until they could transfer me to the children's facility. However, when I had a session with the psychologist at the children's, the decision was that I was too mentally healthy to take up one of their beds, so back to the adult hospital I went.

My doctor at the adult hospital met with my mother several times. His verdict was that it was my mother who should have been admitted, not me. They kept me as an inpatient while they worked with me to give me skills to cope with my mother's illness. Those skills have served me well over the years.

Due to my mother's illness (in hindsight, I think she may have been bi-polar) I suffered from very low self-esteem and I believe that had a direct effect on my acquiring hiv. Definitely. I shudder to think what else may have happened to me if I hadn't had the experience of the adult psychiatric hospital. They helped me so much.

I could go on, but I have to go meet with my bank manager. I'll revisit this thread later.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Due to my mother's illness (in hindsight, I think she may have been bi-polar) I suffered from very low self-esteem and I believe that had a direct effect on my acquiring hiv. Definitely.

Same here - but in my case I think it mostly stemmed from a very fundamentalist upbringing. I'd bet that you'd find similar themes among a great many posters here. I made a post in Living With awhile back that was about this sort of stuff, the notion that some people are perhaps more predisposed to acquiring HIV. I don't think it's at all a coincidence that there is such a high prevalence of depression and other emotional / psychological disorders, and like was said above: I don't think they are all because of HIV...it's probably the other way around. To me, that's one of the big "dirty secrets" of HIV. People talk a lot about the physical factors contributing to infections, but not as much about the mental...and when many in the population at large do, it's often in the worst ways possible.

Speaking as someone who has seen the bottom due to mental health issues I join the chorus of others who stress the importance of seeking professional help. However that alone is not enough one must be committed to treatment. Having dealt with depression for several years through different meds and therapists and not making any real progress, my GP sent me to a psychiatrist. She diagnosed me with mild bipolar disorder and prescribed medication that made a tremendous difference!!! However I wasn't committed to being faithful in taking it. Last spring something "clicked". I missed a dose one day, took them for a few days, missed a couple of days, repeated the pattern a couple of more times and then before I knew it I had been off them for 6 or so weeks. During that time I lived in filth, was staying up and out till all hours of the night cruizing for dick, avoided friends & responsibilities, mismanaged by finances, was on the verge of being evicted and came extremely close to being fired from my job. I wanted life to just be over. Fortunately I realized the trouble I was in and took control. It's been about a year since that episode happened and I am pleased to say I have not had a relapse. I realized what things triggered the episode and am now consciously aware of situations that might cause problems. I also realized that no matter how good I feel and how well things are going does not mean I am "cured". Like HIV, it is something I have deal with it in a proactive manner.

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"Let us give pubicity to HV/AIDS and not hide it..." "One of the things destroying people with AIDS is the stigma we attach to it." Nelson Mandela

Just by been gay, you will have mental health issues, that aggravated by the fact of having HIV, plus all the stigma that comes with it makes you a whole case open to go to the Psychologist, or Psychiatric.

This is not adding the fact that HIV might be contributing to your mental health problems.

I couldn't agree more with with Hellraiser, anything you say here considering your personal life will be used for ammunition to attack you , or diminish you or to gossip about yourself. This is a sad thing that other fellows on the forum would make joke of you, and your personal life if you make the mistake of been honest in what you do.

I personally rather talk to my Psychiatric than posting here any of my private life.

Like many others, I too have had some really fucked up shit in my childhood, my mother was completely emotionally un-available to me (she had my twin-sister to rise and play with) so she passed me over to my father, cause she just couldn't deal w/ me...both of my parents were functional alcoholics, and really didn'tlike each other

My Dad didn't really know what to do w/ me, but keep me by his side, and exposed me to things mostyoung kids should NOT have ever been exposed to, like Bars, back-rooms, strippers, cigars, and boozeand that is when I got sexually abused my others adults, even to this day, I'm not sure, if my dad was even aware of any of this, but, I do understand all of this now that I'm older

I loved both my parents, my mother was smart & educated and had went to collage, but, my father was a real piece of work, and never had a good eduction, he was a man-whore, and I don't know why my mothereven put up w/ him, but never the less he was my dad, and he did the best he could do, I fear that I'm kinda like him in a lotta ways, except for my education level

« Last Edit: April 15, 2011, 10:10:22 AM by denb45 »

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

I have had my share of depression in life and I'm sure I suffer from PTSD . The trouble with seeking mental heath treatment is daunting to say the least , its underfunded and misunderstood and sometime had to access . If its pills you want you are in luck but if you truly need to talk to a professional so that you can begin to understand why you may feel the way you do about your life then that can be a challenge .

And guys ... no one is going to make fun of you for posting in this forum ... really .

Same here - but in my case I think it mostly stemmed from a very fundamentalist upbringing.

For me it came from my mother telling me at least once a week - often more - "I wish you were never born." One time when I was about five or six, she hung me from the neckband of my tee-shirt on the knob to the linen closet and held a knife to my throat, all because I'd accidentally put a small hole - with that same knife - in a dish-towel while drying the dishes. I absolutely cannot even conceive of doing anything remotely similar to my own child, but I know now that my mother was ill.

Sometimes she'd keep my sister and me up all night, night after night, school nights included, cleaning and re-cleaning the already spotless house. Other times she wouldn't come out of her bedroom for days on end. And at least two or three times a year she'd wake my sister and me up in the middle of the night to tell us which skirt-suit she wanted to be buried in - the pink one or the turquoise one - after she killed herself. Sometimes she'd lay them out side-by-side on her bed and ask us to choose which one. Fun times.

My mother was in complete denial where her mental health was concerned. She was always keen to tell others they needed professional help though. She had me going to a child psychologist when I was about nine but stopped taking me to the sessions after two or three times because the psychologist was insisting that she needed sessions too. Her reply? "There's nothing wrong with me - it's her you need to fix."

My main regret is that I didn't finish dealing with the psychological damage my mother inflicted and ended up being an addict and acting out sexually before I ended up with hiv. It took hiv for me to realise I had to deal with it all. It was only what I learned in the psychiatric hospital that enabled me to finally realise what I'd been doing and why, but it took all the navel gazing I did after diagnosis to get me to stop and really look inside.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I couldn't agree more with with Hellraiser, anything you say here considering your personal life will be used for ammunition to attack you , or diminish you or to gossip about yourself. This is a sad thing that other fellows on the forum would make joke of you, and your personal life if you make the mistake of been honest in what you do.

I personally rather talk to my Psychiatric than posting here any of my private life.

Roy,

Thanks for the compliments on this thread. I appreciate that; however, I have to take a bit of exception to this portion of your post. You've stated repeatedly about being attacked and gossiped about, beginning with your thread about "falling in love" with some 20 year old. I went back and looked again at that thread...and again fail to see how you were attacked. The issues that were debated with you was how much "love" could it really be if you were already lying to this boy about your age, and (to some) lying by omission by failing to disclose your HIV status. And even in that regard, some (myself included) would grant you that most of the Moral Mary's on here are preaching about something they probably don't do all the time themselves. So I fail to see how you were attacked.

It seems to me that there is confusion regarding what is an "attack" and what is simply being bluntly truthful. There's a difference between being supported and being coddled. Others often complain about being attacked, but are the first ones to post passive aggressive comments in a thread. It doesn't wash with me.

I'm sorry you don't feel as free about posting here as you should. I hope you get the help you may need elsewhere.

My main regret is that I didn't finish dealing with the psychological damage my mother inflicted and ended up being an addict and acting out sexually before I ended up with hiv. It took hiv for me to realise I had to deal with it all. It was only what I learned in the psychiatric hospital that enabled me to finally realise what I'd been doing and why, but it took all the navel gazing I did after diagnosis to get me to stop and really look inside.

I feel ya sister girl me too, me too, all of those things led to me getting infected w/ teh AIDS, along with the pro-longed sexual abuse by other adult men & women as a child.........I admit it, I know I'm fucked up that way, and will always be fucked up in that sense, but I do know that all of those things makes me who & what I'm today, it all seems so clear to me now as I approach 55 yrs old. this FALL

« Last Edit: April 15, 2011, 11:07:39 AM by denb45 »

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

My mother was in complete denial where her mental health was concerned. She was always keen to tell others they needed professional help though.

That seems to be a huge trait when it comes to true denial. They see their own issues in others and take an offensive stance.

Ann, it must have been all that a young girl (You) could muster up to try and stay in her good graces. All children want not just love, but approval from their parents. Sure, we grow up and move on but the memories of childhood never go away.

Ann, it must have been all that a young girl (You) could muster up to try and stay in her good graces. All children want not just love, but approval from their parents. Sure, we grow up and move on but the memories of childhood never go away.

James we are who we are, the good the bad the ugly, the twisted the kinky, the sick the lame & crazy, but what is important is if you can incorporate all of this into who you are, and who you want to be, that is the why way to do this, and cope & live w/ all of this fucked ass shit, that is what being human, living your life and having some fun in the process, growing old till the end of your life is really what it's all this is about

« Last Edit: April 15, 2011, 11:41:07 AM by denb45 »

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

I feel ya sister girl me too, me too, all of those things led to me getting infected w/ teh AIDS, along with the pro-longed sexual abuse by other adult men & women as a child.........I admit it, I know I'm fucked up that way, and will always be fucked up in that sense, but I do know that all of those things makes me who & what I'm today, it all seems so clear to me now as I approach 55 yrs old. this FALL

The root of my childhood unhappiness also lies in sexual abuse. My mother was sexually used and abused by her own father from the age of ten until she finally was able to get out of the house (married my father) at the age of nineteen. She told me about it when I was twenty-one when I rang her from NYC to tell her I was getting married. Why she chose that moment to tell me, I'll never know. I urged her to get some therapy and support, but of course she once again claimed there was nothing wrong with her.

At least I finally really knew - in my heart and my head - that I really wasn't someone who didn't deserve to be born. I finally knew it wasn't my fault. That went a long way towards being able to begin healing and it gave me the strength to quit heroin.

Ann, it must have been all that a young girl (You) could muster up to try and stay in her good graces. All children want not just love, but approval from their parents. Sure, we grow up and move on but the memories of childhood never go away.

You're not kidding. It was like constantly walking on eggshells. I remember being tiny - I have a distinct memory of sitting in my high-chair wishing my mother would give me a hug and a cuddle instead of shouting at me. She always presented herself as the perfect wife and mother outside the privacy of our house - she had everyone fooled but us kids and our father.

It was because I was looking for the love and physical affection I missed from my mother (father too, he died when I was ten) that I was always up for sex regardless of how unsuitable the guy was - like many young women, I had sex and love tangled up in my mind.

Anyway, I'm a stronger person now because of it all.

One of the greatest gifts I ever gave my daughter was to sit her down when she turned sixteen and explained her family history to her - warts and all - and how it influenced my actions in my younger days and how it connected to my hiv infection.... everything. I mentioned in another thread the other day how I asked her if she was happy I told her about my diagnosis - well, I also asked her if she was happy I told her the family history. She said it was the best thing I could have done and it saved her from making some mistakes herself.

Honesty is a good thing, especially where a family history of mental illness is concerned. When mental illness is left in the dark, all it does is fester and all too often, get worse.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I think your story is a very powerful example of why it is important to talk about mental health issues, and is in the spirit of why Tim started this thread. I wish my family would have talked to me about my own mother's mental illness (schizophrenia). To this day, it's still basically the big family secret. I admire how you turned around your situation, and spoke with your daughter openly both about you and your mother.

Regards,

Henry

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"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." - Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

I think your story is a very powerful example of why it is important to talk about mental health issues, and is in the spirit of why Tim started this thread. I wish my family would have talked to me about my own mother's mental illness (schizophrenia). To this day, it's still basically the big family secret. I admire how you turned around your situation, and spoke with your daughter openly both about you and your mother.

Regards,

Henry

Absolutely. It is the very best of what I'd hoped this thread could be. A few posters here have really run with this thread and laid it all out there. I am very grateful.

Roy- Gotta disagree with you there old chap...... Just being gay most certainly does NOT mean that you will have mental health issues. There are many well-adjusted gay people out there who have not had mental health issues. For you to state something such as this is in the same vein as those who still try to convince people in the mainstream, that we are psychologically mal-adjusted just because we are gay. SomeGay people have mental health issues, but they may not be realted to being gay, or they may be due to being raised in a conservative/religious environment where you are taught at an early age that there is something wrong with you. This is very different than having issue just because you are gay.

I had my share of issues when I was younger, but being gay was not one of them.

anything you say here considering your personal life will be used for ammunition to attack you , or diminish you or to gossip about yourself. This is a sad thing that other fellows on the forum would make joke of you, and your personal life if you make the mistake of been honest in what you do.

Now wait a minute here I do not believe anything you say to anyone, or about yourself in this forum will be used against you, if that is what you think, I disagree w/ you there, and also , being gay doesn't make you crazy or make you anything less than what you are, that's like saying, being str8, bi, and liking men or women, and being eccentric, kinky, twisted and different..sorry it doesn't make you crazy or mean your gonna have issues, I had to go back to read what you wrote I don't give a rats-ass what peoplethink about anything I have to say, if they don't like it, they don't have to read it or look @ it........if I said and posted, then I fucking OWN IT.....

« Last Edit: April 15, 2011, 04:12:50 PM by denb45 »

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

I have suffered with depression since being diagnosed, as I have a post in the Mental Health forum. Several weeks ago I suffered a "melt down" and was put under observation for 72 hrs. I got to a point I could not answer the basic of questions. All I could do, was shake, cry, and light one cigarette off the last one ( 2 packs in 2 hrs., normally I'm a pack a day person ). I to, was raised that "Men don't show emotion or weakness" in any form including mental weakness. For me, it led to being confined for 72 hrs., being told when to get up in the mornings, when to eat, when to smoke, when to take a shower, being supervised when I shaved, when I could make a 5 min. phone call, and when to go to bed. I felt like a criminal for the first 24 hrs.

Since being released I have been to 1 therapy session ( more of a assessment session than a therapy session. ) and have my 2nd today. I'm trying to stay optimistic about therapy, but my past experiences with therapy has not seemed to do much. I know I have "issues" other than HIV, it just seemed that I was be able to handle them before the HIV. After my diagnosis it has seemed like everything in the universe is against me. I'm trying to stay optimistic about therapy, but I am also anxious about it.

Ive been reading this thread; and I must say that it is a bit empowering. and want to thank Tim for starting it. and I know my friends will love me for doing this, and eventually I will thank myself for it.

I have a boatload of skeletons in my closet; though I've learned throughout my years how to cope with things and deal with them in ways that other people won't pick up on them.

but to make this short and sweet; I'm was victim of rape, I was raped at the age of 11 by my aunt's husband.I was a victim of child abuse; being beat from as far as I can recall until I was 8 yrs old, though that is the norm in places like my country ( Nicaragua). hearing family members tell me that I was abandoned and hated by my own mother, heartbroken seeing my siblings suffer the same abuse.

such events have led to my current mental health as well as my trust issues with people.

I liked what Ann said; even though these are some of the horrible things I've lived through, they've made me who I am today, and I would not trade that for the world.

Several weeks ago I suffered a "melt down" and was put under observation for 72 hrs. I got to a point I could not answer the basic of questions. All I could do, was shake, cry,

I too suffered a "melt down" back in 99-2000, I don't even recall much of it, but, my other-half bob told me that I was outside in my boxer-shorts yelling @ some kids that were breaking into a car & trying to steal it, I woke up on 72 hour metal health hold restrained to a bunk-bed, and that was when I realized that I was in the very same place I use to take 5150's= crazy-suspects & criminals to..

after that my doctor took me off the Prozac and said that it wasn't for me....I felt really sorry and remorseful to Bob, cause I'm a big guy, and it scared the be-Jesus outta him, but he told me that it was OK, as he use to be a BSRN, so he knew what I was going thur@ that time, he was the one that got me thur all of this....

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

but to make this short and sweet; I'm was victim of rape, I was raped at the age of 11 by my aunt's husband.I was a victim of child abuse; being beat from as far as I can recall until I was 8 yrs old

it's ok, I can relate to all of what you just said, and I'd like you to know, that you will be ok, now that you understand just what happen to you, I was sexually abused from to age of 7 to about 12 yrs old, so I can relate, good for you, what happen to you & me as well as others was horrible & sick, it should never happen to anyone, I found your posting very empowering, trust me, it get's better & better with time

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

time seems to be the best remedy. when I was younger I justified it, I justified it all actually.I thought that it was okay for me to go through this, I thought it would be a normal part of my life.

I know a lot better now, even though the damage has already been made. I cant do anything but learn from it, and let the wounds heal.

you're right it was a sick crime, and it should never happen again to anyone. I'm glad to hear though that it does get better over time

I am so sorry for what you experienced and I want to commend you, on your strength in sharing those horrible events. To me, there is nothing more abhorrent than sexually abusing a child and I hope you know that you did nothing wrong, instead you were betrayed by the adults in your life and the fault will always lie with them. You mention justifying what happened to you, however there can never be justification for what you experienced. Never. You were the victim of a horrible crime and I urge you to remember that, as you continue to heal.

I say this, because you can never change what happened to you, however you can change how you perceive it all and the effects it will have on you in the future. I hope you can see that you are a survivor and despite some horrible history, you have become a decent caring man and that you matter. I urge you to be careful in how you see yourself, because while you were a victim at one time, that is no longer true. You are now a survivor and as such, you have the power to stop the hurt, by admitting that you were a child when this happened and none of it was ever any of your fault. I think this is key, because you must believe that you did nothing wrong, as there is nothing you could have ever done, to justify what was done to you.

Perception matters and how you see yourself is crucial to healing. You have taken a major step in sharing your story and to me that signals that you are ready to take the next step in your healing. Part of that involves seeing what happened to you, as clearly as possible and assigning the blame where it belongs. The other part involves you believing that you are tired of the pain this has caused you and it is time for that pain to stop. Always remember, that you have ultimate control over who and what you are and to never let your past dictate what your future holds. You are not defined solely by what you have experienced, but by how you have reacted to adversity and still remained true to your own self.

I think you are a pretty remarkable man, who given a horrible history, has emerged somewhat intact, despite horrible odds. You can never change what happened to you, however you can change the cost of those memories. You deserve the life you choose, so just be careful to not let the ghosts of the past, cloud your future. You will always be a survivor, in more ways that even you realize and do not let anyone ever suggest that you are unworthy of love, because of a past over which you had no control. Your past will never define you. You define you and never forget it.

I agree that there's a big stigma attached to mental health difficulties. When I was diagnosed in 1997 with hiv I was also diagnosed with chronic depression, I tracked depression back through therapy to my early teens. I was upon diagnosis put on 90 mg of antidepressants now I take only 15 mg of remeron. I do yoga, meditation, therapy, I see the triggers and do the self care, luckily my life is much more ok nowadays. I had a physically and verbally very abusive and suicidal alcoholic father and an abusive slavish mother. I was sexually abused ages 9 to 12 by a person not my family but close. I was again abused at 16. I recall 5 other cases of molestation by other people. I see now this has influenced my keeping distance to people in general and my sexual relationships in particular. It's difficult but I love myself and I love life.

I had a physically and verbally very abusive and suicidal alcoholic father and an abusive slavish mother. I was sexually abused ages 9 to 12 by a person not my family but close. I was again abused at 16. I recall 5 other cases of molestation by other people. I see now this has influenced my keeping distance to people in general and my sexual relationships in particular. It's difficult but I love myself and I love life.

Hey Joemutt great post, I to go thur bouts of keeping people at distance, as far as the abuse go's it's also part of the healing process, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't do any self-care for myself, my 4 to 5 day a week workouts help me a lot, as well as some good meditation, hey nothing wrong with looking within one-self It's interesting what you may find, you cannot love anyone else until you love yourself, I found this out out many yr ago, this works very well for me

« Last Edit: April 22, 2011, 08:19:57 AM by denb45 »

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"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

It's funny, I came on here to post about how I just want to give up and how disgusted I am with myself. The title of this thread caught my attention, so I started reading and I am glad I did. I first noticed I had issues with depression back in high school. I started skipping school all the time and started hooking up with random guys from a phone chat line. I dropped out of school twice, my mom had no idea because she was such a workaholic. When I was growing up my dad used to get mad at me because I cried a lot, telling me I was not a man. He was an alcoholic and all I remember of him from my childhood is him sleeping on the couch, drinking and going out with his "buddies". When I was 8 my mom and dad were fighting and I heard my mom yell to my sister to call the police because my dad was threatening to kill himself. My financial issues, my hiv, my weight issues, stem from my depression. I have tried countless times to fix it myself, I always get these grand ideas in my head, these amazing plans that will turn everything around, but it never works. It's a vicious cycle and I feel trapped. I get so mentally and emotionally exhausted from the different range of emotions I experience. I hate how one moment I can be extremely hyper and happy and then the next moment, sad or angry. The other day I was driving home and I was thinking about my friend who went missing last year, he went missing after he tried killing himself (I started thinking about him because I read in the paper about a body being pulled from the river, that appeared to be there for quite a long time, and my friend was last seen going for a walk towards the river valley) and while I was driving I burst out crying, uncontrollably. There have been times at work lately where it takes everything in me not to start crying, I can't stop thinking about how fucked up I am. A couple of days ago I was feeling really miserable, so I went to the bathhouse (I turn to sex a lot when I feel shitty) and then I felt disgusting for going to the bathhouse, so I ate a whole bunch of McDonalds, then I felt disgusting from all the McDonalds I ate so I made myself throw up, then I felt horrible for throwing up so then I drank a whole bunch of wine and went to bed. I have put myself in dangerous situations when it comes to hooking up with random men. One time this guy was in to being dominate and he was mad I showed up late, so he punched me in the head and then grabbed me and put a hood on me so I couldn't see. I freaked out and ripped the hood off, I ran to my car and broke down crying. I swore to myself I would never let that happen again but of course that didn't last very long. I finally worked up the courage the other day to call and make an appointment to see my family doctor about my depression but I was told I can't get in until after May 12th, I got frustrated and hung up. But after everyone sharing their experiences I am going to call back and make that appointment. I have been battling this depression for over 10 years now, what's another couple weeks. Thank you everyone for sharing.

JF, I just got back to this thread today and read your post. I thank you for your contribution, and sincerely hope that you have made that call and gotten that appointment. If you see this, I hope you will post and let me know.

This thread has taught me more than I ever expected.

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AIDS isn't for sissies.

LabRat

I must admit that part of my decision to join this forum is due to the abuse I suffered at the hands of my parents. I thought that if and when the subject of childhood abuse came up, I would weigh in and hopefully gain some insight from others who have had the same experience.

I feel the need to comment on some of what Iíve read in this thread. Ann, my heart breaks for you. I had to stop several times while reading your postings. Thank God you survived. Your posts brought back the feelings I had as a child of being totally helpless, locked in a prison with no escape; desiring only to loved and accepted. No doubt you felt the same way. I also can relate to walking on egg shells and my parents being viewed as the perfect parents outside of the home...my siblings & I knew better.

Dennis, I canít imagine the horrors of growing up with alcoholic parents, exposed to things a child should never see and being sexually abused by both men & women. Just canít wrap my mind around such disregard for a child, let alone a human being. One additional itemÖdiscrimination from clients and staff at your ASO because youíre in a sero-discordant relationship? WTF?

The other day on the news I saw that Glenn Close was at Citi Field here in New York and discussing her experiences with her sister and family history of mental illness and she has a website Bringchange2mind.org where she speaks of 1 in 6 people having a mental illness and the stigma associated with it and so on. I always loved Glenn and think she is a fine actor and a fine person and trust her judgement. You can Google Glenn Close Mental Illness and alot of good info comes up.

This is a terrific and inspiring forum I am sorry I missed to date. The manner in which so many good folks have dealt with mental issues is both heartbreaking and heartwarming. And all people deal with mental issues daily, it is always an evolving process. Why we feel different, or odd, or out of place, or guilty, or fearful, or so many emotions are all issues best discussed and thanks for putting it out there so eloquently.

I hope Andy Velez will catch this thread as I know he would have what to add, as Andy has always concerned himself with mental health issues and often advised folks on the forums of the benefits of seeking help or just someone to talk to and not to feel ashamed to get help, you wouldn't if you cut yourself and were bleeding.

Jody

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"Wake up to find out that you are the eyes of the world". "Try to discover that you are the song that the morning brings."

It's funny, I came on here to post about how I just want to give up and how disgusted I am with myself.

I have tried countless times to fix it myself, I always get these grand ideas in my head, these amazing plans that will turn everything around, but it never works.

I can't stop thinking about how fucked up I am.

I have been battling this depression for over 10 years now...

Hey Jack,

I also live with depression and depression is a disease, not a character flaw. Along with your HIV, you also suffer from mental illness and fortunately it is an illness that can be treated. I hope you don't see yourself as somehow responsible for your depression, because you cannot "will" yourself to be mentally healthy. I wish you luck with your treatment, because you can find a place of peace, even with depression. I urge you to reject any idea that you are somehow to blame and to believe that through treatment, you can find peace of mind, literally.