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Which Breed Is Right For You?

Being a sophisticated sire, whose owners (though I like to think that it’s I who own them) let me keep the deed to my manhood, I’ve had the opportunity to explore my fair share of breeds, from prissy show poodles to sophisticated shitzus. If finding the breed that’s right for you is scarier than a vacuum cleaner—hopefully the following guide can tone down the noise.

Spaniels: I’ve never been able to keep up with these puppies. When they’re not running, they’re playing; when they’re not playing, they’re chasing. It’s non-stop. There’s such a thing as being too active. I only suggest letting your nose get close to these butts if you have the energy of a one year old.

Wheaten: The rumors are true—wheatens only date other wheatens. Don’t bother (if your mom was a wheaten, you might stand a chance).

Labs: Some of my friends don’t date labs because “they’re all over the place, like, could you be less adventurous?” Well, thankfully for me, not every relationship needs to be an exotic experiment—I don’t need to know that I’m dating a half-wolf-half-pekanese who went to “the best” dog school. Sometimes a loyal, friendly, attentive lab is what I really want, and, frankly, blondes do it for me.

Bloodhound: Never cheat on a bloodhound—they’ll smell it on you instantly, even if you live on the other side of town.

Poodles: These uppity babes may act like they’re too good for everyone, but trust me when I tell you: In the bedroom, these ladies are the furthest thing from proper. I even met one who liked to keep her leash on. Talk about kinky. Even if you find the odd Miss Priss who is actually more of a lady than a tramp, she’s still got that irresistible little poo-fro.

Pugs: High maintenance (the grooming is endless!), but tons of fun, these little spitfires can be worth the effort. I dated one named Snooki for an entire summer and I don’t think we saw the sun once; she slept all day, socialized all night, and ate treats like she’d never even heard of heartworm. Sometimes I think we grew apart, but other times I think that, in the end, it was really all about her.

Big breeds, little breeds, pure breeds, mixed breeds; I like to keep my mind open. I want to be a dog, not a dawg, so I try to keep in mind that at the end of the day, it’s the ones who count, not the ones you mount.