Firm, Loving Attitude Best For Disciplining Children

January 1, 1986|By Jean D. Peterson, Special to The Sentinel (Jean D. Peterson lives in DeLand.)

Now that I'm older and a little wiser, I deeply regret ever spanking my three children when they were growing up. There's a big difference between disciplining and punishing children.

When you punish a child, you make them hurt for their misbehavior. And punishment rarely teaches the child anything. Discipline, done with a firm but loving attitude, helps instruct the child to do better.

I have a friend who is foster mother to 11 retarded or exceptional children. She never spanks them or resorts to physical punishment. Oh, a few times I've seen her wield a fly swatter when she's very provoked -- but she never uses it -- only to admonish the children to mind when they are unruly, pick on each other or tell tattle-tales.

Mainly she disciplines by making the children stand in corners, and a sharp voice always helps to make them mind. And just as important as disciplining for misbehavior, she rewards the children when they behave well.

My friend -- a widow with five grown sons -- takes care of the foster children by herself, except for some help from two of her sons. All 11 foster children go to public school, so that gives her time to do her chores and have a little private life.

The three girls she keeps help hang, bring in and fold the laundry. (A clothes dryer would be much too expensive to run for that size household). The girls also help clean the sleeping quarters and bathrooms. Only one of the boys is able to help do chores.

The children range in age from about 11 to 17 -- there are eight boys and three girls. Two or three boys are autistic and don't speak at all. Several babble a great deal. I'm able to carry on a conversation with only three of the children. A couple try to talk to me, but I understand little of what they say. The ones who talk call my friend ''Mom,'' but she is able to communicate with all of them.

At least two of the children were sent to my friend because no one else would take them when they were thrown out of institutions with staffs. Some of her wards were abused children. One is retarded now because of brain damage from abuse.

My friend acts as the parent of each and every one of them. She consults with their teachers and goes to all the school open houses. She had quite a time last fall when all 11 had open house on the same night! She has to consult frequently with social workers, meet standards, fill out forms, take the kids for haircuts and to doctors and dentists. She has to bathe about half of them. She buys all the food, clothing and supplies; she does most of the cooking.

My friend often worries that she is overly strict with the children -- no one gets away with any mischief, and there are times when every corner in the kitchen is filled, plus one or two in the living room. But she's very tender-hearted, and she always sets a good example for them.

tender-hearted, and always she sets a good example for them.

The children in no way act defiantly, nor do they cower or cringe. The longer they stay with my friend the more they give the appearance of normal, happy and healthy children. I tell her that she's my only candidate for sainthood, but she still remains very modest and unassuming.

Spare the rod and spoil used to be the watchword, but no longer. When we discipline our children, let's follow the example of my friend. We'll have better kids because of it.