Aretha Franklin denies ‘hat fight to the death’ with Chantal Biya will climax at Tears for Queers Gutterslut debut

Queen of Soul and First Lady of Cameroon in ludicrous but lethal "hat fight to the death"

Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, today denied rumours that she is locked in a “hat fight to the death” with the increasing titanic headpieces that rest precariously atop the bountiful bouffant of Chantal Biya. Sources close to Biya, first Lady of Cameroon, believe the feud will climax with blood very much on the dancefloor at Tears for Queers much hyped GutterSlut debut on 30 April.

Notorious East London disco GutterSlut is the natural choice for this millinery rumpus to reach its remorseless conclusion. It previously hosted the topless mudfight between gender-enlightened disco dynamo Amanda Lear and former BBC newsreader Moira Stewart. Stewart lost one eye and two weaves in that brawl but declared it “the best night of her life” thanks to GutterSlut’s sensational selection of party tunes.

The encounter between Biya and Franklin promises to be an altogether more violent affair however. Franklin is rumoured to maintain her ferocious singing voice by eating live panthers and Biya was Cameroon’s bare knuckle boxing champion for over 13 years.

An unprecedented joint letter from over 17 Nobel Peace Laureates has called on Tears for Queers to intervene. The international DJ sensations were unavailable for comment today however as they are thought to be leading aid efforts in Libya. All eyes now turn to their GutterSlut debut where the dancefloor is being lowered by over 3 meters to ensure there is sufficient height for the gravity defying, deadly headpieces. A planet holds its breath.

Tears for Queers will be playing at the always brilliant GutterSlut at East Bloc, 217 City road, London, EC1V 1JN on 30 April. The club’s open from 11pm – 6am. !Ole¡