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Friday, January 06, 2006

So, I guess I deal with sad stuff by withdrawing and avoidance. I don't feel like talking to people or explaining why I'm sad. I choose sleep over anything else as a way to avoid the grief or the sadness. A friend of mine says she cleans like a maniac, and I guess that would be more productive, but it doesn't work for me.

I started this post yesterday but didn't finish. I'm trying to clear my head from the fog. I'm trying to understand why God does the things He does, why He causes pain to good people. Is it so we can be reminded of His suffering? Is it so we can remember to hold our children tighter, to be kinder to one another, to say "I love you" more often?

A friend said she thinks our lives here on earth are just a tiny blip on the screen, like really, we're living in the world but it's only like one second long, and then what happens afterward is a mystery, but far greater than any of the best feelings we feel while we are here. I like to believe that to be true. That we are just right now being tested for the future of things to come, and that none of this stuff will matter so much when it's all said and done. In the end. Or rather, what I like to think, In The Beginning, where there will be no suffering, no sadness, no pain or grief or fear. Just joy and calm and happiness, and unsurmountable love.

I just don't understand why bad stuff happens to good people, and I know there's that book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People, that helps to make sense of things, but I've not read it.

I guess we are not meant to understand, and someday, when nothing on earth matters anymore, there'll be this big conference where we'll all be attending, and everything will be explained to us, and we'll be like, "Oh, why didn't we realize that before?"

It's cuz we're not meant to realize whatever the greatness God has in store for us yet. I don't think so anyway. I don't know what I'm saying really, so please forgive this post, it's just something that's been on my mind in light of some new situations some very much loved people are going through right now.

Thank you for your previous comments and for your prayers. I did have to laugh thinking that some of you who have no clue who I am would be saying, "Dear God, help Manic Mom's friends." But I am so thankful for your thoughts, prayers and kind words, and when or if I feel ready to discuss this, maybe some of you have answers, or a relative or friend who, God forbid, has undergone the same, and maybe you can help. But for now, prayers are very, very good, so thank you.

Good to "see" you back online...I read when I'm grieving. Which just made me wonder if I'm in a constant state of shadow grief, because I go through withdrawal if I'm not devouring a book.

I haven't written about this-yet- but it may help you feel my {hug}: almost 14 years ago, our first child died at birth. Her absence has gone through me like a woven thread and has added a background hue to the years. One thing was always true; God hid me under the shadow of His wing and sang songs to my soul. Four more children have I birthed and they are a joy to me. My first daughter is not "living here" but she is alive in our hearts and I am so glad that I got to be her mom. Even in pain, love can conquer.

when I am sad, I cry, which I am doing right now. I have no words of wisdome, I cannot even help myself and kids at this point. But I do know that life is cyclical (I have no idea how to spell that word, but like a cycle - ups and downs) so when the really bad stuff happens, just know that shortly it will be equally good! Hang in there :-)