“I Have Zero Interest in Sex”

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I’ve never had an interest in sex. No no, let me amend that: I’ve never had an interest in actually having sex. I’m a nearly 27-year-old woman and even though it doesn’t particularly bother me, it doesn’t seem normal to other people. I’m still a virgin, and many people have made the snide comments about how I’ll probably die alone someday, still a virgin, surrounded by a million cats.

I have never understood the appeal or sex whatsoever; I’ve never felt attracted to anyone — male or female — except for a few completely harmless celebrity crushes over the years. Because of this, I really see no point in dating, because dating inevitably leads to sex, and frankly, I just don’t want it. I don’t see why it’s such a big deal to the rest of the world that I don’t. I’ve had friends of both genders who’ve tried to take things further, and I’ve almost immediately cut things off because the idea is such a turn-off to me and freaks me out so badly. I guess I shouldn’t be asking if this is normal, because I know realistically it can’t be. My own parents make me out to be less of a person because I have no interest in sex, which seems wrong, as my siblings have all gone on to get married as a result of – get this – teen pregnancies. (ALL OF THEM.) One might wonder if this has anything to do with my aversion towards sex myself, but I already felt this way long before the siblings were even old enough to be of dating age yet themselves.

Physically, there’s nothing wrong with me, like low hormone levels screwing things up; I’ve had this checked, so apparently whatever it is is all in my head, according to the doctors I’ve talked to. Which brings up another point: A couple of the doctors I’ve seen over the years don’t believe me that anyone my age could have gone this far in life without having any sort of sexual activity with another person. The closest I ever got was kissing someone once – no tongue – and I immediately felt like I was going to vomit. I’ve never wanted to try again.

I guess my real question is: how do I deal with all these people, and is there any hope of me living some semblance of a normal life? — No Sexual Feeling

I’m pretty sure I’m stating the obvious here, but just in case it hasn’t occurred to you yet, there is a name for feeling zero sexual attraction: it’s called asexuality (there’s also “demisexuality” which is only experiencing sexual attraction after forming a strong emotional connection with someone). And, yes, it’s rare, but you certainly aren’t the only person in the world whose sexual orientation is “no thanks.” You didn’t ask why you’re asexual, which is good, because I wouldn’t know what to tell you. Like people of other sexual orientations, you were likely just born that way. It probably has something to do with your brain makeup. Or, maybe there was some sort of sexual trauma in your past — something you’ve even repressed and don’t remember. I don’t know. Fortunately, you didn’t ask how you could “stop” being asexual, because I wouldn’t know how to answer that either. How do you ever stop being who you are? I would never advise someone to try to stop being gay (or straight or bi), and likewise, I wouldn’t advise you to stop being asexual. I say embrace who you are (whether you truly are asexual or demisexual or some shade of gray-sexual).

But, again, these weren’t your questions, were they? Perhaps you have already embraced who you are and your only issue is dealing with other people. Somehow, though, I don’t believe that’s entirely true. If you were completely happy with who you are, then what others thought of your lifestyle wouldn’t bug you so much. So, I say start with you first and worry about other people later. I gather the biggest obstacle standing in your way of self-acceptance is feeling like a freak, or an outsider. So, I’d urge you to begin networking with others like you. I’d start online first, like at asexuality.org, where you can chat (and rant and rave and vent) with others on the site’s forums. From there, you can branch out to other networks and perhaps even find other asexual people in your own area. I suspect as you network with other asexual people, you’ll deal with another obstacle standing in your way of self-acceptance: the idea that you can never have a romantic or intimate relationship. As you’ll discover, it is possible to have a rich, rewarding relationship with another person (should that be something you want; it’s also perfectly fine to never have an intimate relationship if you don’t want one).

Now… how to handle the naysayers: I say screw ’em. What business is it of theirs anyway? None. And why do they know so much about your sexual preferences? Why have you let it be a topic of conversation? If you don’t want to talk about it, ignore the questions when they come up or change the topic or give non-answers. Or, you could go the direct way and simply say, “You know, I have no interest in sex, thank God. It seems to make everyone else say and do crazy things. I’m glad to be free of that burden. The only negative about my situation is dealing with people like you who think I would be happier being like them. I assure you, I am perfectly happy not having the kind of baggage and hang-ups I see so many other people experiencing. So, please, if you can’t respect my lifestyle, at least quit bugging me about it, and I’ll continue not bugging you about yours.”

*If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter.

I think you have to understand that when people bring up your lack of relationships, it is just them worrying about you. So see it as being loved. But, just don’t talk about it. What happens in the bedroom can just be private. Realize that everyone feels pressure from the world. When will you get married? When will you have kids? when will you go back to school? when will…? So even if you did start a relationship, everyone would just have more pressure.

I’m with Wendy. How do so many people know what does or does not happen in your bedroom? “I’ve decided not to speak about my sex life” should be enough to end the conversation while remaining private. Meet any follow up questions with silence. I’m not sure I buy the whole ‘they ask because they care’ excuse – that might be true if you were depressed or unhappy with your circumstance but if you are satisfied with your life then they are just being nosy and rude. There is nothing wrong with you, you certainly aren’t hurting anyone and you don’t have to justify your choices to anyone.

Totally agree. I think it’s really awkward that your family would bring up your sex life at all. For my family, it’s a completely inappropriate topic. I agree with FireStar to not let them egg you on about details. Just don’t talk about it. And I know people that I believe are asexual. You are not alone! If this really bothers you and you don’t think that you are meant to be asexual, I would try therapy to see if there is something like abuse in your past. Best of luck to you!

Just because you don’t have sex or get married doesn’t mean you won’t die alone with cats… unless that’s what you want. Ignore those people, actually try to cut them out of your life – you shouldn’t have to be surrounded by people who make you feel bad for who you are. Or hit them back with some snide comments of your own, or ask intimate details of their personal life – that usually shuts them up quickly.

She said that friends that tried to initiate sex freaked her out ‘so badly’ and that the one time she kissed someone she wanted to vomit. I really do feel like this isn’t a case of asexuality, but a case of being so scared of something that you completely push it as far away from you as you can and build a big wall around yourself. I was like that myself for a long time. I was completely terrified of being intimate with someone that I WOULD throw up and it all goes back to childhood trauma. I’m in therapy and it’s great for me. I still get freaked out at intimacy sometimes, but I have a very understanding lover.

I agree with this. While the LW is quite possibly asexual, there is something off about her extreme aversion to romantic/sexual acts. Even though she claims it is not an issue, I think the fact that the LW’s “siblings have all gone on to get married as a result of…teen pregnancies. (ALL OF THEM.)” might have something to do with her “vomit” reaction.

While I agree with your assessment, I don’t think the LW should feel obligated to “address her issues” IF they’re not bothering her. She claims she’s okay with her lack of sexual desire- if that’s truly the case, asexual people can have fulfilled lives and relationships, so why worry about something that doesn’t bother her in the first place? If, on the other hand, she actually wants to be physically intimate but can’t, she could try therapy to help get over that.

I think the problem with this is that many, many people claim that things don’t bother them, when it fact it’s definitely negatively impacting their lives, whether they know it or not. This LW may truly NOT be bothered by her lack of sexual desire…but I think the “vomit” reaction and her saying “it freaks me out so badly” means that she’s definitely bothered by it on some level.

I agree with you, too. I think the extreme aversion and severe reactions are indicative of something more going on than asexuality. The first thing I thought when I read this letter was that she may have experienced childhood abuse that she’s repressed. Or, like you said, perhaps it’s an issue of psyching yourself out over years and years…to the point that it becomes much scarier and more serious than it really is. I don’t want to take away from those who are advocating that she be herself and just blow off the people in her life who are judging her, but there’s something about this that seems off. I would hate for her to go through her life thinking she’s asexual, when perhaps therapy could have gotten to the root of a different problem.

I agree – her reaction to a seemingly chaste kiss is concerning. Her first paragraph confused me in the context of the rest of the letter – she starts off by saying, “I’ve never had an interest in sex. No no, let me amend that: I’ve never had an interest in actually having sex.”

So, it seems like there is some interest but maybe in a hypothetical way. If so, I’m thinking that it may also indicate that there are other issues that are inhibiting her desire, not that she’s necessarily asexual.

She also says, “…even though it doesn’t particularly bother me…”

Based on that, she’s not as comfortable with this as she makes it seem later in the letter. I agree with those who suggested that she look into therapy.

I would recommend therapy if for no other reason than to have an unbiased person that you can rant and rave at and also discuss your feelings without judgement(since that seems to be all your getting from family and friends). If you are truly asexual there is absolutely nothing wrong that. Maybe by exploring the asexual community you can find someone you can have a fulfilling emotionally intimate relationship with (if that is what you want).

And stop talking about your sex life with family and friends- it’s not of their business what you’re doing or not doing.

Question though- are these siblings older or younger than you? If they are all older I could see how they possibly influenced you being younger. Also, did you ever have a crush on ANYONE when you were school at any age? Just curious.

I agree about going to therapy, if only to have someone more knowledgeable and experienced help her figure out if she’s truly asexual, or if her feelings might be stemming from somewhere else. I think a therapist who specializes in sexuality might really help her.

I had a friend who, after a very difficult marriage (mostly due to his lack of a sex drive) and years of tests/therapy, realized he was asexual. I learned quite a bit about this during this time, and I would say the intense aversion to my unlicensed mind seems to be stemming from something different. Being completely indifferent towards sex, having no desire for it, yeah, I get that. But the act of kissing making you physically ill? You might want to explore the reasons for that a bit deeper. Just my two cents. Either way, I still think it’s weird that so many people ask you about your sex life. They must be bored with theirs 🙂

Now, I don’t know very much about asexuality. But my understanding is that asexual people (on the whole) still crave/desire/want/need(?) close intimate relationships with people of their (a)sexual preference. That is, while asexual people have no desire for P in V (or P’s and V’s in general), they still crave a partner to love and cherish them (for the most part, as I would describe “Straight” or “gay” people craving the same, with the addition of a sexual component.)

I find it curious that the LW didn’t mention anything about craving a meaningful relationship but without a sexual component. She mentioned that she “see’s no point in dating” because it ends up with a sexual component. But then you would think her question would be along the lines of “how do I date even though I have no sexual desire.”

This lack of a stated desire for a loving partner, accompanied by a feeling of offense taken to the idea that she will “die alone” is curious to me. Which makes me think perhaps there’s more to it than just not being sexual.

It depends. There used to be a very vibrant Asexuals community on Livejournal that I was a part of for several years. There are people who are romantic asexuals, who are aromantic asexuals, who are homoromantic asexuals….you name it, there’s a division for it. Romantic asexuals want a romantic connection without sex. Aromantic asexuals want neither romance nor sex. Homo and heteroromantic should be easy to understand. Some people also called themselves panromantic, in that they were interested in love with someone of either gender, but not in sex. Some “Ace” people (as some of us asexuals called ourselves) are squicked out by the idea of sex. Some Aces wrote hot and heavy slash fanfic without ever wanting to experience anything like it….it runs the gamut.

FWIW, I may have BEEN this LW a few years ago. I did meet The Ginger, and now I am in a committed relationship, but I was always interested in romance and affection.

LW, not all relationships have to involve sex, and it is also perfectly all right to not want sex. I would recommend AVEN (the website Wendy gave) and also the Asexuality livejournal: http://asexuality.livejournal.com/

Also, from the sampling of people active on the asexuality LJ community when I was active, it seemed that asexuality often appeared in someone who also had Asperger’s or had mild autism, and also among those who who had some degree of depression or related conditions. I am not saying these things “cause it” and that it can be “cured.” However, it did seem to be related. That also meant that many Aces were more emotionally invested in the identity and took it very badly when people dismissed it. That may or not be the case with you, but I thought I would point it out.

I imagine this is what everybody tells the LW and why she is writing in asking how to handle it … What you said is not offensive per se but I imagine she gets this a lot. I guess it will just take some confidance on her part to not let the unsolicited comments bother her.

I was in, what I’ll call, a similar situation. I was adamant about not having sex before marriage. Add that to the fact that I don’t eat meat or drink alcohol and people get really confused by my choices. After years of this, people who bugged me about my decisions fall into three categories:

1) Ones who are genuinely interested but just expressing it poorly. 2) Ones who guilty about their own decisions. 3) Ones who are just bored and feel they can talk anyone into anything.

After explaining my choices to someone once, it’s pretty easy to tell which category people fall into and honestly, if they fall into categories 2 or 3, I just don’t talk about it. If people can’t understand after you’ve avoided the subject several times and told them it’s not something you are comfortable discussing, are those really the type of people you want in your life?

Reading between the lines, your childhood household seems oversexed. I mean really– that all of your siblings got married due to teen pregnancies is one thing. But for your parents to treat you as less of a person because you’re not interested in sex!!! Really!?! Most parents I know would be relieved if their kids weren’t engaging in risky behavior as long as they are happy. So something strikes me as being off about that. I don’t discuss my sex life with my parents nor do they talk about theirs with me. It’s an inappropriate topic of conversation. That your lack of an interest in sex is discussed and judged among your family sounds both horrible and heart-wrenching to me. But as your parents, as long as you’re happy, really they shouldn’t be talking about sex with you (after the basic birds and bees). It’s also concerning that all of your siblings had teen pregnancies. My older sister got pregnant as a teenager, and I’ll tell you what, my parent’s reaction scared me off of boys for a good long while. By that I mean, of course they cared for and supported her– but she was grounded for an entire year after the yelling stopped. So, if all of your siblings had teen pregnancies, then your parent’s reaction to the first sibling’s pregnancy certainly didn’t discourage the others– so I have to ask, why not? Most parents consider teen pregnancies something to be avoided at nearly any cost. So, to me, something just seems off about all of that.

I believe you when you say you’re happy as an asexual– I imagine that there’s a whole world of drama that you’re happily ignorant of. But if I were you, I might consider a therapist anyway to do two things. 1. help you come up with personalized strategies to get nosy family members out of your business and 2. just to explore and understand your childhood home and upbringing a little better. My theory is that what landmines exist there, at least I have learned to avoid. I think most of us can stand to have a little bit of professional guidance exploring and trying to understand our upbringings even if there’s no clear goal attached to it. But then, I also like to know the why of things that have happened in my life.

1. They will give you constant love. 2. They will always be loyal…as long as you take care of them that is! 3. They always love to cuddle. 4. When they cuddle with you they are warm and fluffy and snuggly. 5. They are always happy to see you. 6. They are ADORABLE. 7. They always listen. 8. They always seem to know when you need them.

There are plenty of pets out there needing a home…go out and adopt one! Us “crazy cat ladies” may be crazy about our pets, but it’s for good reason! 🙂

LW, Wendy is 100% correct. You are asexual, and you are NOT alone. My best friend (and roommate of 10 years) is exactly the same way, except she has never attempted even kissing a man. It completely turns her off. She is a 28 year old virgin and it seems likely that she’ll always be that way. Yes, we do worry about her. We worry that she will miss out on the wonderfulness you can experience when you get close to another person in such an intimate way. We worry that she will become more closed off to the world when she finally is on her own and does not have her friends around her on a daily basis. It is very hard, from our perspective, to understand her lack of a drive not just for a sexual relationship, but for a relationship in general when our marriages and our futures are so important to us. Having lived with her for such a long time, I feel I understand her much better than most. It really bothers me when people conjecture about her future, or assume she’s gay, simply because she lacks this. They always want me to set her up with someone, or sign her up on an online dating site. It even bothers me when I, myself, start to worry about her. I just have to remind myself that she’s a wonderful person exactly as she is and if a relationship is something that she will have, it is up to her to decide to pursue that. Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do except to hold your ground with the people in your life that you are the perfect you, and if a relationship of a sexual nature is in your future, it has to be something that you come to naturally. There are websites abound that can act as a support system for you in order to come to terms with your lack of a drive, and to connect to others who share your predicament. One that comes to mind is asexuality.org. I’d suggest reading up on it, find others just like you, build a support system, and find your standard phrases that will help deflect comment from those in your life who pass judgement on your perceived “issue”. You can’t stop your friends and family from worrying and commenting, just remember that it does come from a place of love and a lack of understanding.

I don’t know – you could be asexual, but this line made me think it could be something else: “I’ve never had an interest in sex. No no, let me amend that: I’ve never had an interest in actually having sex.” Does this mean you’re not interested in sex with another person, but get aroused on your own? If so, let me share my experience. I was a 25/26 year old who’d never dated (never been kissed) and wasn’t particularly interested in it. I wasn’t particularly attracted to other people. So, I decided to experiment and see if it was me, or the people I was meeting. I kissed a couple guys I felt no attraction to, but thought were nice people, and nothing. It was boring and weird, and I thought “hm… it appears kissing isn’t for me.” Fast forward a year, and I found myself interested in a friend – one who I wasn’t necessarily sexually attracted to, but was really fun to be around. We started dating, took things really really slow, and eventually the physical side of our relationship developed – turns out kissing the right person is an entirely different experience than kissing someone random. I still think I wouldn’t be attracted to anyone else, or at least anyone I didn’t know really really well.

My pet theory (also my unprofessional, unresearched theory – so take it with a grain of salt), is that there’s an ideal developmental period for everything in life. It’s like riding a bike or driving – if you don’t learn how to when you’re young, it becomes terrifying – you’ve missed the window of opportunity to learn when it’s new, exciting, and you’re fearless. I suspect something similar happens with sexuality. If you don’t learn how to be intimate with other people during that late-teens/early-20s sweet spot, when everyone else is learning, intimacy becomes terrifying and we lose interest in the reality of it. Since you’re actually physically averse to intimacy, not just uninterested, I would suspect it’s less asexuality and more something else that may require the help of a therapist.

If you’re actually HAPPY with your life as is, then enjoy your life, and ignore the critics. If you’re not 100% happy, and would like to someday have a relationship, then seriously consider therapy with someone who specializes in sexuality – and who does not in any way express that being a 27 year old without sexual experience is weird.

Love this, I can so identify with the driving part ,I learned at 31, (nearly 33 now), and I´m still pretty freaked. I can see this translating into sexuality as well, not necessarily in the case of LW, but possibly worth exploring.

This is a great response. I agree that she may have missed that window of opportunity when it was new and exciting, and now, because everyone has and she hasn’t, it’s incredibly more scary than it would have been years ago.

You could very well be assexual. That said, most assexuals don’t have the rather extreme vomit reaction. In fact, in my many years of listening to Dan Savage — where the subject of assexuality rears its head often enough — I”ve never heard of such an extreme reaction. Something else is going on here. So, I’ll echo what several other have already said on here today… Were you sexually abused? No, seriously. Were you? Just a thought.

If not, well, then kudos for NOT dating guys. Kudos for NOT sleeping with a guy just enough to reel him in and then blindsiding him with constant sexual rejection for the rest of your married life together. (Now that’s something that DOES come up on Savage Love…) So just don’t date guys. Just don’t.

Oh Dan Savage. Sometimes I read his column and it is very enlightening or sad. For example, there was a guy whose wife hadn’t had sex with him in eleven years. Jesus. I agree that LW’s reactions towards sex doesn’t seem to fit into the standards of being asexual. The vomit reaction, etc seems almost like a trauma of sorts. LW may have been abused or there may have been an incident of someone attempting to abuse her. I’m sorry, but the family dynamic is a bit strange too and may contribute to this. LW’s mom and dad seem a little too concerned and ALL of her siblings got married and became pregnant as teenagers. Hypersexuality is sometimes the result of abuse.

As far as the naysayers, LW needs to learn to set some boundaries. If people quiz her, LW needs to say that she is a private person and doesn’t like to discuss her romantic life unless it is something serious. People who criticize someone over their sexuality, especially under the guise of being worried, piss me off. Well, unless someone is having multiple one night stands without taking any precautions. But seriously, people need to learn to mind their own business. So what if someone has sex when they are a teenager or wait until they are 30? It is there own choice. As long as they can afford and use birth control and don’t go home with strangers who look like they could be future serial killers (yes, I had a friend who went home with the creepiest guy once), people need to live and let live.

I am sure that there are some online support tools that you could seek out to not feel like you are alone in your asexuality. Also, have you considered seeking out an asexual companion for yourself? Just because you don’t want to have sex doesn’t mean you have to be alone… perhaps if you knew that there was a relationship that didn’t have to involve that aspect, you would feel more comfortable.

I understand this solution is a little different, but you are different, and you can still have all the things that you want, even if that doesn’t include sex.

Most of all, you gotta love yourself! If you love yourself, so will everyone else.

There was an asexual/sex-free dating site posted recently on…gawker? jezebel? I’m not sure I remember where I saw it. But it was for those who identify as asexual, or those with medical conditions that make sex painful, or those with various traumatic experiences which left them uninterested in pursuing a sexual relationship. Three different groups potentially looking for three different levels of intimacy, but the point is, you are not alone, LW, and there are others out there looking for relationships with emotional intimacy but not physical intimacy. Of course, if you also decide to stay single and build a full life with friends, family, and other passions, there’s nothing wrong with that either, and don’t let people convince you otherwise

While none of us here have all the information or education needed to diagnose the LW as asexual, it certainly sounds like a strong possibility. I like Wendy’s suggestion to connect with other asexual people (assuming she is). I think that may help with one of her main questions, which was “Is this normal?” If she meets other people who are like her, it will probably show that she is not as alone in her condition as she feels.

Also, LW, I just want to say something about relationships. They are awesome, and sex has almost nothing to do with why they are awesome. Being in a relationship means you always have someone to hang out with at the end of the day, making dinner together, enjoying some drinks, watching movies and playing games. It seems to me that your condition makes you isolate yourself and the loneliness is hard on you. That’s understandable. I think if you go on the asexual people forums, you may meet someone who feels exactly how you do about sex but also wants a partner to hang out and have fun with. Who knows, you could even get married if you want to and have kids if that’s something you decide you want to do. If sex for procreation freaks you out too much, you can do an IVF procedure. My point is that you can have a normal relationship without sex if you find someone who is like you in that way.

A lot of people are saying, “Screw the critics! Why are they asking about your sex life, anyway?” But I want to point out that even asking about relationships, etc., can still be very annoying and is probably part of what the LW is feeling pressured about. After all, being asked why you aren’t dating is an indirect way of asking why you aren’t having sex.

Some of those people you can’t get out of your life (family, etc.) so my advice is to surround yourself with people who do support your decisions and come up with canned responses to everyone else’s questions (these authors have some funny retorts to “when are you getting married?” It’s for unmarried people but some of them apply to singles, too: .

Have been married just over 45 years! And at first I had a lot of interest in sex, but from day one my husband hasn’t had any desire, or want for intimacy and sex. He just hates sex, thinks its disgusting, messy, smelly and just plain gross. As the years past I totally lost all interest in sex. Now in my mid 60’s and had sex only once on our wedding night. My first and last! I can’t say I really enjoyed it because I was deprived of it for ever. My husband never really cared about me, I think I was just considered a mother figure or an apartment dweller. He only slept with me once for about 2 hours.