Amaury Vassili is this year’s Patricia Kaas. You know, one of those times when France remembers they’re FRANCE with capitals and are supposed to have CLASS with capitals, so they take a big name and send it with the classiest song they can get. You can bet he’s gonna have lots of lights, lots of curtains, zero fireworks and I know he’s the frontrunner, but since I imagined him singing Trololo I can’t picture him winning.

Please, someone tell me the difference between vintage and outdated, because I don’t know in which side this falls. Italy, if you’re doing a comeback after fourteen years, you should star with something more modern.

Aurela and Jedward, get ready: The Creepy Act season is open, and Lena’s giving you a run for your money. I din’t like Satellite as a winner, but I liked it as a song, and Taken ruins it totally. So, I’m gonna pretend this doesn’t exist, okay?

I pity you, rest of Europe. You can tell that Spain isn’t trying hard, but unless you speak Spanish you can’t fully appreciate the greatness of this non-effort. Those lyrics are of the kind a seven year-old would write. Fuck Yeah!

The Spanish sef-loathing has a lot to say, because they love to hate their entries. But don’t listen to them, this is brilliant!

That’s it, Safura! Take out the barechested dancers, and with them all that could possibly be interesting in your act! BTW, look at the skirt. This is the fashion I was talking about last post. However, her dress is great (there had to be something good here). For whatever the reason it was, she’s wearing half of a glove, and there’s a man in black parading on the stage. Are we supposed to recognize him?

At the middle of the song, she goes to the little sidestage, they start the fans and she goes super dramatic. And then forgets to go to the center and has to hurry back. I can’t help but laughing every time I see her run.5th. O Rly, Europe?

I’m impressed. The choreographer got the dancers in the most akward positions ever conceived, told them to hold the poses… and they did. Then some fucker sneaks onstage and they don’t even blink. Then THE GUARDS go onstage after that loser and they act like they weren’t there. Then the fucker goes onstage again… oh, wait, no, this time it was the backing singer. Also, here’s a nice work witht the fireworks. Anyway, talk about professionalism.15th. I wouldn’t mind if he and Safura traded places.

What a shame. Such a hot man, with such a beautiful face, and specially such an amazing voice, wasted on that lame song! You can see he’s doing his best, but it’s impossible to save the song. Poor boy, poor, poor boy.

And Norway went simple and elegant about the antics. In fact, I was surprised that they put a lot of things on the stage, and only use lights for most of the song, and fireworks for like the last five seconds.20th. The song deserved it. The singer didn’t.

Now here are the antics! Because if it weren’t for acts like this, the contest would be too cheap! A violinist on a spinning platform, with a skeleton fluorescent violin! A girl doing her best to look at her worst, and then a sax and ohwaitwhatthehellishedoing???!!! Dude! There might be kids watching! Stop doing… THAT to the sax! Two dudes open their shirts to see if they can smug the gay vote, and the violinist makes faces. This is great!22nd. What?

Here we have a high school band going to Eurovision. With a sweet song and a cute singer. I’m in love with Jon and with the song. For once, Eurovision was fair and had them at least pass to the final. You can tell Cyprus is not used to it because they didn’t know there were antics to use. Just lights. Cyprus, oh, Cyprus, I love you!21st. Justice is in the floor, sore and bleeding. That’s at least 18 places lower than it deserved.

Hey, look! There’s a fog machine! And intermitent lights with sound effects so we can realize the song is about thunders. Subtlety seems to be out of fashion this year. And we get soft rock. So soft he puts his guitar carefully on the floor instead of smashing it. Too soft.17th. And yet too high for the song.

Milan has teleporting booths, ready to take us from Crap land… to Craptastic land! After I read the translation of the lyrics, and heard the Spanish version, I don’t know if he should be tarred and feathered for singing it, or congratulated for daring to sing it.

Same goes for the performance, the dresses, and well, basically everything. It takes the bad taste beyond the extreme, right where it starts to become awesome.13th. I would still have kept it on the semi.

If you ever wanted to see the lovechild of Tinkerbell and Mr. Lordi, watch at these women: unfurling wings, but, unlike Mr. Lordi’s, they sparkle. If Tomii Putaansu ever saw this, I bet he’d run to his bed and cover his head with the blankets. It’s scary. (My brother, a die-hard alternative rock fan, watched this and said he would need therapy after that. He didn’t)

The dresses, though, are fabulous. There have been entire editions with less glitter. And they obviously glued their feet to the ground so they wouldn’t accidentaly move and… there were no antics. They even didn’t change the lights more than once. Wow. So over the top, and yet so classy.

And one last thing: you have three women and two men, and the only name you can come up with is 3+2? Subtlety is in the floor with it’s nose broken.24th, because… I don’t know.

Now, this is how a diva takes the stage: In a spectacular way and wearing a gorgeous dress! Look at the backing singers…. they are so mesmerized by her diva power that they don’t move at all. She can sing, not so much as many say, but she can, and the song is good… but she’s late by like fifteen years.23rd. Damn. Even Charlotte did better with “Hero”, and she was waaaay cheaper than this.

Here it comes: the most overrated song this year. The singer doesn’t have a remarcable voice, or a remarcable presence, he isn’t hot, the song is kinda plain and without a good choreography, and even if the backing dancers are hot, they forgot their leather suits and had to dance on their pajamas.

Oh, and he promised a big surprise, never before seen, and what do we get? Fireworks in he drums. Meh.8th, because Greece ALWAYS makes top ten. The times they don’t deserve it too.

I hate doing this. And I hate it because I like the song but… Josh can’t sing. Not a single note. I would actually cry if the song wasn’t so lightearted and happy. Oh, and it’s totally obvious that he hooked up with at least one of the backing dancers last night.

Let’s face it: She was the best singer in the final. If you don’t believe me, just watch. The guys take her by her lungs and shake her, and she still keeps the tune. Nothing can come after that. Add that these are the best male chests we’re gonna see on the night (I know, it’s sad) and we have a winning combination.

We can say what we want, but at least they are original. Dark scenery, a robot shaking it’s ass, a guy with a Jesus Christ complex… rock music! Are we sure they are the Turkish representatives and not some folks who got on the wrong stage?

By the end of the song, the robot starts cutting itself open, and there’s a girl inside. I’m not sure what are they trying to say. It’s a highly conceptual performance. Or total rubbish, I’m not sure what. And then, the girl goes and seduces the lead singer, and they almost kiss. But it would be too straight for the contest. May be they do know where they are.

We have a say here in Mexico: The rich gone poor still has more than the poore gone rich. Juliana being a perfect example of this: She got a fat violinist slave, Whoopi Goldberg as a backing singer, a bad haircut and a tamer version of her original self… and she still outpowers any other contestant. Right about time of a GREAT act this year.

My brother, who was hiding in his room, goes out just to say he has heard this song so many times he even knows the lyrics. He doesn’t, of course, but it’s true that I might have overplayed it… except that a song like this can never be overplayed. There’s never enough.

Everything, absolutely everything, is wrong with this act, in a way InCulto can’t even dream to achieve. First a dude villagepeopleing, then he moves like he’s looking for a beach, a girl sings a little, they shake their crotches, and a full 10 seconds of bottom-shaking. And the way he says hello to the camera is the most stupid thing you’re gonna se in this contest. Even worse than InCulto’s sparkly trousers. A girl spanks Jessy’s ass, and we see a good looking dude with a horrible voice. He rips his shirt, but the camera never focuses on his chest. Too sad. Not that it could save this… thing, but at least there would have been something good to look at.

The nonsense goes on for another minute, and they keep on moving and yelling after the music stops. Right when you thought it couldn’t get any dumber.

By this moment, my brother is in shock and needs to go back to his room. Poor child.

You can’t say they aren’t putting effort. They got glowing fingers and real fire. The song truly is about fire, got it? I would have preferred both of them holding flamethrowers, but I doubt Norway would be pleased if they actually “burned this place down”. Although I would have loved it.

After fire, we get SNOW. And really, really bad quality. So bad it becomes funny and gets my brother to the couch again. When Peter looks at the “photo” we start cracking down, and by the time they start the fans we’re almost rolling on the floor. Peter, my dopamine levels thank you.

(Oh, and almost a year later, when I’m reviewing this, my bro still recognized the song in the first fifteen seconds. It was THAT funny)

And I’m not talking about the boobflash on the very beginning (although that was smooth as a rhino) , but about the show. She has an apricot stone, hidden in her hand. You get it? Just like in the lyrics! And in case you haven’t got the idea yet, there’s an Eva-sized apricot stone in the middle of the stage.

And subtlety isn’t the only thing dead here. They also killed the act. It was perfect as it was in the national final! I don’t care if that guy is a national legend, or if you’re aiming for the Oldest People in Eurovision Record: KEEP. THE. HOOD.

KEEP. THE . SIMPLICITY.

And specially, KEEP. THE. DRESS. You don’t put jeans on a girl who’s singing an ethnic ballad. You just don’t, Armenia.

There have been three times in the contest when I can tell for sure the victory has been because of politics: 1990 (Italy), 2003 (Turkey) and 2007 (Serbia).

This year isn’t so blatant, but yet I suspect Merkel’s hands had to do with Lena winning. Because Germany is paying the crisis for everybody else, and because I can’t see anything that would make this a worthy winner. They kept it in the same half-good level it has on the preview.

1st. I guess no other country was willing to pay for next year’s contest.

Now, this is one who did improve: her singing got better, her makeup got better, and even the dress got better. Not enought to take her to the big leagues, but it’s a worthy effort. Some moments she even looks pretty.

I have to say I admire Portugal’s determination… or cluelessness. They refuse totally to acknowledge the fact that any language other than English just doesn’t have a chance, and keep on sending their songs, in their language. That’s brave.

Another stubborn country. Less than Portugal (Or say… Spain or France), but yet, they stick to their own language more than most countries. And man, don’t they do an awesome job. Harel is gorgeous, the song is gorgeous and the stage show is gorgeous. He could have sung better, though, but with those looks I’m willing to forgive him almost anything.

After all this, Denmark comes to teach us how you’re supposed to put on a good stage show, and suddenly they look like the only ones who truly know what they’re doing.

N’evergreen lost his suit and borrowed Juliana’s, even if it looked better on her. Chaneé is wearing a weird dress, and when the fans start I worry, because if they can move his hair that way, what won’t they do to her skirt. But somehow the skirt survives, and they go on to an epic closure. Way to make everybody else look like amateurs, Denmark.

4th. And well earned.

Then Spain goes to perform again, this time without intruders, we get a flashmob that most of people loved (I found it boring, except for the Verka Serduchka cameo), here come the votes and Lena wins. Bleh.

Alex Rybak goes onstage to give her the award and she asks him for a kiss. He points to his cheek. Bitch kisses him on the mouth and poor Alex runs away as fast as he can. I would too, totally. Then he tries to cover up urging the crowd to cheer for Lena. I won’t, sorry.

That was it. The top five, according to Europe, was:

1. Germany
2. Turkey
3. Romania
4. Denmark
5. Azerbaijan

My personal top five was:

1. Albania
2. Cyprus
3. Iceland
4. Georgia
5. Denmark

The couch’s top five was:

1. Iceland
2. Spain
3. Albania
4. Denmark
5. Cyprus

Off to the next year.

In later news, Lena’s gonna represent Germany again. Sorry, but I don’t think the trick will work twice, so a Satellite clone won’t do. And everything that isn’t a Satellite clone would need more than Lena’s capable of, so I predict a bottom ten placing for Germany. Maybe even a bottom five.

According to Wikipedia, Lithuania was centimeters close to withdraw prior to this contest, until the telecommunications company Teo LT donated money so they could afford sending an act.

Watching this makes me wish Teo LT had decided to use their money to buy free ponies for lithuanian kids or something just as useful, instead of financing a shameful act. Like, really.

I know it’s supposed to be experimental music, and the beginning is way one of the most interesting thing I’ve seen this year, but from then everything goes downhill in so many ways it’s almost unbelievable that much badness is packed in only 2:44.

First, the fake instruments. I have no clue in what bloody universe this can be taken seriously. Right, Ksenia Sitnik did it back in 2005 and won with it, but it was the Junior Contest and she was ten years old. And she did it in a moderately cool way, not even getting close to the atrociousness we see here.

And then, the glittery underwear. (No, those are not shorts, they’re underwear, trust me) Yeah, Eurovision is Gay Territory, but there are certain things only allowed to Verka Serduchka, and even she made it into full suits. No gay points here because it’s done without class.

You, guys, are hot, but if you want to show your thighs, you better do it while showing also your bare chests. Having those trunks with shirts and ties is not hot, is not something I want to look at and is not… just not.

The good news: you still can do it. The music is good and interesting and you can sing, so just drop the fake instruments and, for God’s sake, rip your shirts instead of your pants.

Sorry, no, just a lookalike, who I guess sings way better than Angelina and does a great, great job. This somehow reminds me Sertab Erener’s “Every way that I can”, but with style. Eva has winner quality, something I’m sorry to say Sertab didn’t have. (Yeah, I just said the 2003 winning song has no style or winner quality, and I stick with it).

The only thing I’m unhappy with is that Eva moves too much. It does’nt fit the song. But even so, this is the second time (after Kristina, of course) that I say: Now we’re talking.

First, let me drool a little. Harel’s got the kind of handsomeness only jewish genes can give. He’s like Yuval David, only less cute. (Once I got to see a man like these two live, and in person they’re even more breathtaking)

Second, let me drool a little more. Not about the minimalist stage, but about the lighting. I don’t know who did it, but I love them.

About the song, this will be the first man entering the Winner Quality Club, because yes, he does have it. I could see this song going high in a non-Eurovision way: they drop everything that is not necessary, abandoning the fireworks, the choreography and the backing stuff, so everything here is to serve the song, and it’s done amazingly. They turn what otherwise would be a dull song (compare with “Thunder and Lightning”) into a wonderful act.

Also, I could see it going high in an Eurovision way because, as I said, Harel is gorgeous. The only bad thing is his body language: he bends so much it looks like his back hurts or something.

A gorgeous stage, a wonderful performance with Wind Machine and Blinding Lights included, taking us really close for a third Winner Quality Act in a row. The only reason they aren’t is because the song is too simple and Chanée’s geisha makeup (Red Code in Denmark! Red Code in Denmark!). I don’t like the dress, but I guess we can get along with it. They also get gay points for looks. On both of them.

So, they’re a must and I’d like to see them passing and scoring high… maybe even winning, despite they’re below at least three songs in this contest.

Also, ¿Isn’t that guitar at the beginning stolen from the Carebears II movie ending?

Deen, you better run, because Michael Von der Heide might just be the gayest thing ever shown in Eurovision. It depends on the kind of pants he chooses to match his golden jacket (which I hope he keeps for the ESC performance, because golden jackets are awesome… damn, now I want one). He also has a great voice (the best in this semi so far), only that it’s wasted in a rather bland song.

Also, ¿Is he really hitting 40 years old? He looks a lot younger to me. Not handsome, but young… and that explains a lot about the gayness.

I watched the performance. I watched it again. And again. Still looking for something clever to say about it, and I didn’t find it. Is it a good or a bad thing?

The only thing to comment here is that there’s no fastest way to go from Best Dressed frontrunner to Barbara Dex Award frontrunner than wearing a totally classy white dress with totally classless pink (or are they red?) Converse shoes. Anna, even I know that.

Warning: If you suffer epilepsia or thing you might, perhaps you shouldn’t watch this. The background screen caused me a headache, and I don’t suffer epilepsia.

The backing dancers, oh, those backing dancers! They’re just mesmerizing. Now I’m in trouble to choose between Giorgio’s and these ones. I didn’t hear the lyrics, or paid attention to Safura’s voice and performance. Whatever, I didn’t miss anything important.

I’d say the only chance to score this act has are the dancers (let’s face it, Safura is only an excuse to show off them) and the brilliant choreography.

Here’s the full story: Ukraine internally selected the artist who would represent them. It’s not uncommon, in fact, it’s the same choosing procedure that gave us Ruslana and Ani Lorak.

They picked Vasyl Lazarovich and gave a national final, in which the song “I love you” was chosen:

It just happened this time people didn’t like the fact that the artist was handpicked, and so, less than week before deadline, a new national final was held and Alyosha was chosen, with “To Be Free”:

And then, they discovered “To Be Free” broke the rules in at least two different ways: It had been released two years before, and it also plagiarized some other song. So, Ukraine was in a no-win situation: they couldn’t send Alyosha with that song, and they couldn’t change it or withdraw it without a fine, because deadline had already passed. So they took the fine and changed it, which leads us to “Sweet People”.

Now, if only all that trouble had been worth it. They finally stuck with a profound, dramatic song with nothing remarkable, and a singer with a nice voice, but who suffers the same disease Aisha does. Europe really should think about making a vaccine.

Nope, it can’t be taken seriously. Nope, it can’t win, and I doubt it even make it to the final, and I still love it. Like Työlki ellää does in the first semi, Sha-la-lie is responsible for giving us a true funny moment to enjoy here, and take away seriousness for a while. Thanks, Sieneke.

And she can sing more than it might seem. Come on, listen to it again.

Ok, he’s not so bad looking, she’s hot and wearing leather, they have a good translucent piano and, right when I was giving up my hopes, a “Fire/Desire” rhyme which, you know, is a Must here (a contest can’t properly call itself Eurovision if there isn’t a “Fire/Desire” rhyme) but somehow then you gather all of it together, nothing manages to make sense.

The song has some high points (Might be on the best songs in this semi) and Paula gives us an impressive vocal showoff as a bridge, but it doesn’t work. And it’s not only the fact that Ovi is so obviously gay that you can’t buy him singing those lyrics, its… something else. I don’t know what.

Yeah, I get it. You’re merging folk with rock. That’s why the girl’s got what may likely be a Slovenian traditional outfit, while the guy is supossed to be a rocker.

You can bold “supossed” if you want. That’s not a proper rocker look.Lose the scarf, cut your hair shorter and grease it, and give him a full black shirt, with no prints on it. The idea is good and not so bad-done, but the looks have some trouble here.

Even so, although it’s a refreshing concept and so, I don’t see it getting in the final (neither in my wishes nor in reality),in spite of having the first stage in this semi actually worth drooling.

Hum, not bad at all for a previous winner, but it’s too 1990’s and the 90’s have been over for a decade. This is not anymore the times where you could win only by having a decent song, singing it in a decent way and being Irish (which are all fully acomplished by Niam) so, even if this is good, doesn’t make the cut to winner quality.

However, if at the end I happen to have a free seat in The Five Who Should, it will probably go for her. Because, on top of all I wrote before, she also has great lighting and amazing hair. Well, everyone there has amazing hair.

One of the true awesome consequences of having your chances dead even before you start is that you don’t have to make an effort to please everyone. That’s the case with Cyprus (And I’m not dramatizing: they have reached the bottom of top five only three times, and 2005 was the last time they made it to the final, and their best semi result was fouteenth)

In a nutshell, they’ve got nothing to lose, just like Andorra and Portugal, so they can send virtually anything. That’s the reason we got “Jugar’em a estimar-nos”, “Todas las ruas do amor”, and “Life looks better in spring”. This guy, singing this song, is like a Christmas present.

Forgive me if I get corny, but somehow I don’t even care by being almost certain that this won’t pass to the final. Having on the contest is enough. Thanks, Jon.

I’d say we might have a winner for best lighting. Is this or Israel. Also, one of the most beautiful stages in the contest, a powerful, passionate song, and three girls strong enough to sing the song in the level it requires.

All that said: What, in Heaven’s name, are they doing on that stage? What’s-with-the-dance? This song doesn’t deserve that performance, it really does.

The good news is that even if the performance is not up to the song, they still could do it. Yeah, the song is that good.

Oh, now we have not only a “Fire/Desire” rhyme in this semi, but also a “Eyes/Surprise” one. Classic, guys, just classic. Not a Must, but almost. Couple it with a white outfit, Deli-like music and Hard Rock Hallellujah-ish lighting and fireworks, and we get officially the most eurovisive song on the semi. It also makes harder for me to pick who I want to pass, because this is quite good in a Deli-ish way.

If i had to complete the ten whom I want in the final, it would be Netherlands, Azerbaijan (just because I want to see those dancers twice), Switzerland, Croatia and Turkey.

Best Song:Angel si ti, by Miro.Worst Song:Drip Drop, by Safura.

Best Performance:In a moment like this, by Chanée & N’evergreenFunniest performance:Ich ben verliefd (Sha-la-lie), by SienekeWorst performance:Playing with fire, by Paula Seling & Ovi (yeah, they ruin a really good song, and it’s all in the performance)

Best Male Singer:Michael von der Heide, representing Switzerland.Worst Male Singer:InCulto, but it’s only because I have to name somebody, they’re not that bad.

Best Idea Onstage: The translucent wall on In a Moment Like This, by Chanée & N’evergreen.Stupidest Idea Onstage: Tie between the fake instruments and the shiny trunks in Eastern European Funk, by InCulto.

Comparing both semis, the second has a more consistent quality, in fact I had to force me a little to pick the last two on The Five Who Shouldn’t, as they’re not that bad (In semi 1, in the other hand, I had to handpick Macedonia to stay out of the list), and also had trouble picking the worst song. Chosing the best one was hard, too, because besides Bulgaria there were Armenia, Turkey and Cyprus.

Oddly, it seems Niam Kavanagh, who’s a previous winner, is the only one who didn’t get mentioned, for good or bad, in this list.

Now we’ve got only five songs left to review: the Big Four plus Norway, i.e: the ones with a direct ticket to the final. They’ll be reviewed on Monday, I hope.

Edit: Here’s the missing part: Vanity Fair, i.e: Beauty awards.

Best looks on a girl:Niamh Kavannagh. She looks great (and I had to include her somewhere)Hottest girl:Paula Seling.Cutest girl:Sieneke. Completely.

Best looks on a guy:Harel Skaat.Hottest guy:Miro and his gymnasts.Cutest guy: Is it really necesary asking? Ok, Jon Lilygreen.