Article Rating

Important: GDPR Email Preferences

As you may already know, the EU General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR) will be coming into effect on 25th May 2018. We take your privacy seriously and we are working hard to ensure we comply with the new data protection laws. You can find out more about how we're doing this in our privacy policy on our website.

We want to make sure you continue to receive the latest newsletters, blogs, special offers and more.

As someone who has opted-in to receive our emails in the past, we’d like to give you this opportunity to confirm what you wish to receive:

Just so you know, if you don’t let us know what kinds of emails you want to receive from us, we’ll stop emailing you on the 24th May 2018 - you'll be missing out!

You are of course free to change your mind at any time – just follow the link at the bottom of any of our emails.

Emotional intelligence has two major components.

The first element of emotional intelligence training is developing the art of being able to manage your own emotions, so that you are able to achieve the optimum emotional response that is appropriate to the circumstances that face you.

The second element of emotional intelligence training is developing the art of being able to manage other people's emotions, so that you are able to inspire in others, the optimum emotional responses that are appropriate to the circumstances that face you both.

The first part; the ability to manage your own emotions, is more important than the second part. The ability to manage the emotions of others is predicated on the fact that you can manage your own emotions.

In other words, if you cannot manage yourself, if you are feeling angry, defeated, depressed, disorganised, confused, bewildered and tired, then you are really not in a position to manage the emotions of other people.

You must first be able to create in yourself feelings of optimism, motivation, self-confidence, warmth, good humour and resilience, on demand, before you can dish it out to other people.

You cannot distribute that which you do not possess.

So you must first learn the principles of emotional intelligence and apply them to yourself; and only then are you in a position to work on the others.

Healer, heal thyself.

So let us begin.
If you want to study emotional intelligence we will need to understand what an emotion is, and where emotions come from.

Here is the definition of an emotion.

An emotion is a response to a thought, or belief that is held in the mind.
An emotion is not a primary fact. It is a secondary fact.

Emotions follow thoughts.

The cause of the emotion is the thought that precedes it.
The thought is the cause, and the emotion is the effect.
You feel whatever you think about.

So put simply;

If you think good thoughts, then you feel good.
If you think bad thoughts, then you feel bad.
If you have mixed thoughts about any issue, then you will have mixed feelings about that issue.

This is the fundamental principle that you should understand.

Here it is again; burn the following sentence into your brain, memorise it and ponder the implications.

You feel whatever you think about.
You feel whatever you think about.
You don't react to circumstances. You don't react to-what-is.
You don't react (directly) to external facts.
You react to what you- think- they are. And. You react to what you think about them. You react to what you think the facts will mean to you.

This is a wonderful insight because it gives you the lever you need to help you move your feelings.
You cannot control the facts.

But you can, with practice, control what you think about.

How can you control what you think about?

You can control what you think about by taking the following steps:
Decide to control what you think about.

You must decide to take hold of the controls in your mind and steer your brain in one of two categories of thought, and simultaneously away from three other categories of thought.

What are the two positive categories of thought?

The two positive categories of thought are as follows:

Thinking about the moment; the momentary present.

Thinking about a positive future; a future that is better than the present.

What are the three negative categories of thought?

The three negative categories of thought are as follows.
Thoughts of the bad things that have already happened in the past.
Thoughts of the bad things that may happen in the future.
Thoughts of how the past was better than the present.

What are the emotional consequences of each of the five categories of thought?

If you are thinking about the moment you are in: the momentary present. Then you will respond emotionally to the moment.

This, by definition, will be context specific and is likely to be an appropriate response.

I.e. If you are in bed you and you focus your mind on the warmth of the bed and the silence of the night and the softness of the mattress, then your response will likely be one of ease and of falling asleep.

If you are on a busy motorway, and you are focusing on the speeding traffic. The lorry in your rear view mirror, the rain on the windscreen, then your emotional response will be one of tension and mental focus.

Both tension and ease are good emotions in context. And both are bad out of context.

If you are in bed and feeling tense. Then there is something wrong.
If you are on the motorway in the rain and in heavy traffic and you are falling asleep, then there is something wrong.

Focus on the facts of the moment. And respond to the facts as they are.

Future good

What are the emotional consequences of thinking about a positive future; a future that is better than the present?
If you fill your mind with thoughts of a positive future. Then you will feel feeling consistent with that thought process.
Emotions such as: Optimism. Confidence. Energy. Enthusiasm. Motivation. Happiness.

This is a pleasant place to live. Most of us would benefit from additional doses of these emotions.

Question
Would you like to experience more intense and frequent feelings of optimism? Confidence. Energy. Enthusiasm. Motivation. Happiness?
You can do that, if, and only if, you direct your thought and conversation towards a positive future; i.e. one that is better than the present.

Future bad

What are the emotional consequences of thinking about a bad or painful future i.e. a bad future; one which is possible but as yet, not real?
If you think in this way, then you will experience feelings of worry, anxiousness, and fear, loss of confidence, failure, stress and unhappiness.

These emotions are destructive to the psyche.

If you have an overdose of worry, anxiousness, fear, loss of confidence, failure, stress and unhappiness, then you will be in a negative and resourceful state. And this will impact on both your subjective experience and your objective responses to the world.

You will feel bad and act badly.

Therefore, we suggest that you consciously guard against overdosing on too much thinking about a painful future: a painful future; one which is possible but as yet, not real.

Past bad

What are the emotional consequences of thinking about a bad or painful past?

If you think in this way, then you will experience feelings of Remorse, regret, anger, injustice, blame, bitterness, revenge, failure, guilt and shame.
These emotions are also destructive to the psyche.

If you have an overdose of anger, or blame, or revenge, or guilt, or remorse, then you will be in a negative and resourceful state. And this will impact on both your subjective experience of happiness and your objective behaviours and responses to the world. You will feel terrible and act worse.

Therefore we suggest that you consciously guard against overdosing on too much thinking about a bad or painful past.
Direct your mind away from reflecting how the past was a terrible experience.
If you fill your mind with thoughts of a positive future. Then you will feel feeling consistent with that thought process.

What are the emotional consequences of thinking about how the past was better than the present?

If you are thinking that the past was better than the present then you will feel dissatisfaction about the present.

If you consider that the past represented a golden age. That the present just does not measure up to the way things used to be. If you wish vainly to a return to yesteryear. Then what emotions are consistent with that thought.

Answer. Then you would feel dissatisfied. You would feel a faint sense of loss for good things past.

You would feel out of sorts. You would feel dispirited. Unhappy with the current situation. You would be ill at ease. Unhappy.
Direct your mind away from reflecting how the past was better than the present day.

Implication for your emotional intelligence skills.

Your emotional intelligence relies on you to manage your emotions.
Your emotions flow as a direct consequence of the content of your mind.

Your ability to manage your emotions boils down to your ability to manage the content of your mind.

To sum up:

An emotion is a response to a thought, held in the mind.
And an emotion follows every thought.

The cause of the emotion is the thought that precedes it.

You feel whatever you think about.

So put simply:

If you think good thoughts, then you feel good.
If you think bad thoughts, then you feel bad.
If you want to develop emotional intelligence then: Learn to control the content of your mind.

FREE Training Needs Analysis!

In order to get the best from your training, you need to discover your relative strengths and weaknesses.
Take our FREE training needs analysis questionnaire now and get a report in less than five minutes!

Blogs by Email

Do you want to receive an email whenever we post a new blog? The blogs contain article 5-10 minutes long - ideal for reading during your coffee break!

Your Comments

Further Reading in Personal Effectiveness

The importance of having an exercise programmeIt is important not to neglect your physical health. Whatever your age, gender or current situation, you can always improve your situation by taking up a balanced exercise regime, as suggested in this article.Read Article >

Planning and PreparationEveryone would benefit if they only spent a little more time doing some extra planning and preparation for the future.Read Article >

How to be More EfficientIf it feels like you haven't got enough hours in the day, take a look at these tips in order to make your life easier by becoming more efficient.Read Article >

How to cut costs and become more efficientHow to cut costs and become more efficient
Here is a good motto to memorise "Complexity and waste thrive on each other"
You want to achieve your goals. In order to do that you must:
Maximise your productivity
Minimise your costs
Efficiency is the ratio that relates your productivity to your...Read Article >

More haste, less speedWith so much to do, so little time in which to do it, the temptation is to do everything as fast as possible. This is not always a good thing.Read Article >