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At some point during my childhood, my mother made the mistake of taking me to see an orthodontist. It was discovered that I had a rogue tooth that was growing sideways.

My mom and I were told that the tooth, if left unchecked, would completely ruin everything in my life and turn me into a horrible, horrible mutant.

Unless I wanted to spend the rest of my natural life chained in a windowless shed to avoid traumatizing the other citizens, I was going to need surgery to remove the tooth.

I was accepting of the idea until I found out that my surgery was scheduled on the same day as my friend's birthday party. My surgery was in the morning and the birthday party wasn't until the late afternoon, but my mom told me that I still probably wouldn't be able to go because I'd need time to recover from my surgery. I asked her if I could go to the party if I was feeling okay. She said yes, but told me that I probably wouldn't be feeling well and to try not to get my hopes up.

But it was too late. I knew that if I could trick my mom into believing that I was feeling okay after my surgery, she'd let me go to my friend's birthday party. All I had to do was find a way to prove that I was completely recovered and ready to party. I began to gather very specific information about the kinds of things that would convince my mom that the surgery had absolutely no effect on me.

I'm pretty sure my mom was just placating me so that I'd leave her alone, but somehow it was determined that the act of running across a park would indeed prove that I was recovered enough to attend the party. And I became completely fixated on that little ray of hope.

I remember sitting in the operating room right before going under, coaching myself for the ten-thousandth time on my post-surgery plan: immediately after regaining even the slightest bit of consciousness, I was going to make my mom drive me to a park and I was going to run across it like a gazelle on steroids.

And then she would let me go to the party.

I must have done a really good job pretending to be okay even while I was still unconscious, because I was released well before the anesthesia wore off. My mom had to hold on to the back of my shirt to prevent me from falling over while we walked out of the hospital.

I first started to regain consciousness while we were driving on the freeway. I didn't know what was going on, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I remembered that I needed to do something important.

THE PARK!! I didn't recall exactly why I needed to go to the park, but I had spent so much time drilling the concept into my head that even in my haze of near-unconsciousness, I knew that getting myself to a park was of utmost importance. I tried to communicate this to my mom, but the combination of facial numbness and extreme sedation caused me to be unable to form words properly.

I yelled louder and more urgently, but my mom still couldn't grasp what it was I wanted.

It was at this point that I decided to open the car door and walk to the park by my damn self. The only problem was that instead of being stopped safely near a park, we were hurtling down I-90 at 70 miles per hour.

Luckily I hadn't had the presence of mind to unbuckle my seatbelt, so instead of toppling to a bloody death, I merely hung out the side of the car and flailed around ineffectively.

A little shaken up by the incident, my mom decided that it would probably be a good idea to pull off at the next exit and get some food in me. We found a Jack in the Box and she led me inside.

It was pretty crowded, but my mom didn't want to get back in the car, so we found a table and she told me to wait while she stood in line to order our food.

I sat contentedly at our table for a few minutes.

But then I forgot what was happening and panicked.

I had to find my mom. I had to tell her about the park. I tried to call for her, but I still couldn't quite remember how to say words.

I began stumbling around the restaurant, shouting the closest approximation to the word "mom" that I could come up with.

My mom hadn't yet figured out what I was trying to tell her, but she knew that I was yelling and stumbling into the other patrons and generally causing a scene, so she firmly told me to go back to my seat.

I had remembered why I wanted to go to the park, so I obeyed my mom, thinking it would increase my chances of going to the park, thus increasing my chances of going to the party.

When my mom returned to our table with our food, some version of the following conversation ensued:

Me: Carn we go to the parp now?

My mom: The park? Is that what you want?

Me: Yes! The parp!

My mom: No. Eat your food.

Me: But moun - I can roun arcoss the porp. I can do it! I can go to the partney!

My mom: No you can't.

Me: I can! I can! I CAN!!!

My mom: Look at you. You can't even walk. You can't form a coherent sentence.

Me: I CAN ROUN ARCOSS THE PARP!!! I CAN GO TO THE PARPY!!!

My mom: You are not going to that party.

Me: NO!! NO! NO MOUM! I CAN DO IT! I CAN GO!

My mom: I said you can't go to the party. Now eat your food.

Me: MOOOOOOOUUUUUMM! WHY? WHY ARE YOU SO MEEEAAAAAAANNN?? WHY ARE YOU SO MEEEEEEEAAAAAAN TOOO MEEEEEE???

My mom: Stop it.

And then I started to cry big blubbery tears into my milkshake. It was at that point that my mom noticed all the people glaring at her and realized that, from an outside perspective, it appeared as though she was not only refusing to let her poor, mentally disabled daughter go to a park and/or a birthday party, but was also taunting her child about her disability.

And that's how I got to go to a birthday party while very heavily sedated.

Elisa - I only remember little clips of the whole event, but I think I ended up yelling at my friends because I couldn't understand how to play the games they wanted to play. By the end of the party, I was pretty okay, but there were a few hours that were a little rough.

Anesthesia is a tricky substance... when I got my wisdom teeth out, I couldn't walk (plopped immediately to the ground and had to be escorted by a nurse who had heard me to another room), saw double for nearly 3 hours, and when my mom told me to push the gauze back into my mouth, I smashed my cheeks together in an effort to do but instead they projectiled out of my mouth.

Hahaha, when I had nasal surgery, the second I came up from the anesthesia I sat straight up and opened my eyes as wide as I could. I thought I was dying, but the second the nurse said "It's ok sweetie, go back to sleep," I immediately konked out again.

Ahahaha. There must have been some sweet strippers at that party to warrant all that effort. I must say that my brief experience living in Northern Idaho makes this story that much more hilarious. I mean, you must have been doing some really bat-shit crazy stuff for people in these parts to suspect that you perhaps had a touch of the specials.

hahahaha. almost the exact thing happened to me last week...only Im 26 and I had to drive myself.

Although, I did manage to get an entire store full of Apple employees to pity me. It was the first day the new iPod Touch came out and I promised my boyfriend I would get him one (this was before I knew I had to get two teeth pulled.) So, like the unbelievable (and still extremely incoherent and highly medicated) girlfriend that I am, I went. Long story short, I ended up drooling all over the iPads and the spitting blood (no joke) on the guy in the blue shirt, so finally they sent three employees to work on deciphering what I was trying to say and eventually got me out of there. Then I drove home...I think.

Allie-- As always, you are amazing. Way to make experiences from childhood hi-fuckin-larious instead of possibly upsetting.

I, too, got to go to a fast food restaurant after visiting an orthodontist. However, after getting braces, all I could do was smell my delicious Happy Meal burger and then pointlessly and gingerly psuedo-chew pieces of the softer bun. Well, that and I went to a pizza place after getting an old-school orthodontic appliance put in (read: medieval torture device) and a man there wouldn't put out his cigar so the smoke made me spew at my table. Yay, childhood!

Know what would rock? If I could sync all my shitty memories into you somehow to see your amazingly awesome depictions of them. If that were a real thing, therapists would be soooooo boned.

Oh God this made me laugh. I mean like, I made myself look like a mentally retarded and friendless loser, even though I'm alone. Luckily.

So this is a valid form of proof? Because whenever I drink, I always say, "NO, GUYS. I'm NOT drunk. Look, I can do a cartwheel. LOOK, I CAN DO TWO CARTWHEELS. If I can do three cartwheels in a row you have to agree with me that I'm not drunk!" I understand your plight.

I feel like you're one of those people who should always be filmed during any kind of recovery from a surgery. And then post it on youtube. Then it will go viral, consequently making you the Queen of the Internet.

I was laughing so hard (while sick and thus sounding like a wheezing, otherwise vocal-cordless old woman) that my boyfriend (who is otherwise wholly enveloped in Halo: Reach), looked at me to make sure I wasn't dying. That was hilarious. haha!! Loved it!

I had to get my wisdom teeth removed for the same reason: they were growing in sideways. I got to see the x-ray on the day of my surgery, and sure enough, I'd have roots growing out of my ears if we'd let those buggers stay.

And after the surgery, with a mouth packed with gauze, I tried to remind my mom of her promise that I could have a McDonald's milkshake. I noticed that she wasn't going to McDonald's, so I gently reminded her: "MUH! UNGA MIK SNEK!"

Mom: Yes, we're going home.

Me: NGOH! MECK-NGONG-A MIK SNEK!"

Mom: What?

Me: MECK-NGONG-A! MECK-NGONG-A! *drawing an M in the air* MECK-NGONG-A!

Mom: I was hoping you'd forget about that.

...So while we turned around, we approached an intersection where a cop was directing traffic because of construction. She held up her hand, and I guess I thought she was waving at us (plus, I was happy to have communicated my extreme desire for a mik snek) because I rolled down the window and leaned out, waving back. Mind you, I had black, dried blood streaks down my chin, and bloody gauze packed in my mouth.

I diiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeedddddddddddd reading this because I actually pulled stuff like this in my childhood. I had to endure a ton of oral surgeries because my body decided to produce extra teeth, which of course had to be removed lest I become some sort of strange human-shark-thing with rows of teeth. Anyway, I laughed until I cried because it is SO TRUE.

after my wisdom teeth surgery, the doc was saying all sweet and quiet "I'm to wake up sweetie." I said "No! Go away!" but with a mouth full of gause and to much meds I couldn't hold my own head up when they were telling me the discharge instructions. literally the nurse tood behind the chair with her hands on either side of my head...

LOL! Do you actually read all of your comments? Or do you just like stop after a certain amount? Because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't read them all...Because that's a LOT! Because I'm wondering if actually commenting is worth it, I mean, if no one actually reads it, I might have just kept it to myself...Since I feel like if you comment after like comment 20 comments, then your just like these desperate people, the ones who like don't wash their hands after a celebrity brushes against it... Just this tiny ray of hope that maybe, just maybe, you will possibly read it, or maybe someone will...Anyways, I guess if you don't read them all, then you'll never read this, and you'll never reply, and my little ray of hope will be crushed....Just wanted to let you know you're doing that (unless of course you don't read this)...Ok this is starting to get a little repetitive, and long when really all I wanted to say was, I LOVE YOUR BLOG! And I hope you read this, because if you do...I will never wash my fingers again, just because I know...Well yeah, I just won't.

hahaha, it was so funny to see the dramatic 'mom-turn-around-allie-recognition' moment. It totally reminded me of whenever kids get lost in huge places like Costco and walk up to random strangers because they think it's their parents.

You were one crazy and spontaneous kid to open the door at 70 mph. Too funny :]

Three hours ago I got a call that my youngest child, who has been in college for a month and is eight hours away, had a bicycle accident and was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. I learned an hour ago that he's fine (concussion, broken nose, but nothing permanent). Five minutes ago I laughed at this so hard that I cried. Thank you for helping with my recovery from the accident.

I am having amazing appreciation/sympathy for your mom these days. I am so glad all of you survived each other and you're so great at telling the stories of your awesome and weird (in a good way) life!

I definitely just laughed so hard that I cried. It might be the heavy doses of cold medicine my doctor has put me on, but I'm 90% sure it's just because you are the funniest person in the entire world.

PERFECT TIMING :D I had double jaw surgery four weeks ago, and that's pretty much how I felt for the first entire two weeks. It's nice to know there can be humor in these situations. :)The image of you dangling out the car nearly made me CHOKE on my liquid dinner and I can only imagine how your poor mother must have felt. D:Thanks Allie, for again making life much more awesome :)

1. Today is my birthday and I feel as though by writing this post you have given me a wonderful present.2. As many fans as you have all across the intarwebs, I actually know commenter numero dos. SUP IMARIA BBZ.

I love this. Absolutely love this. And I can relate on some level. Had a similar surgery with a similar special event. But, when I walked into the house with my mouth packed tight with bloody gauze and drooling profusely, my little brother said, "What the HELL happened to you?" I stumbled to my room crying, sure I was the most hideous creature imaginable, and he got his mouth washed out with soap.

Awesome! Your poor mom. After coming out of my surgery I was obsessed with socks and demanded all the nurses and incoming patients show me their socks because mine "had flare" and I wanted to compare. Holy embarrassing. I think I embarrassed my husband.

OMG I LOLed so hard when your mom realized how the scene looked to other people...

I had a similar situation with the whole tooth thing. A molar decided it'd grow sideways, and I had to get it removed.

AND, a couple months ago, I had to get 2 tiny fillings. My jaw doesn't want to get numb even after several injections of numbing junk. Afterwards, my face felt like a softball and I was hungry. I got Burger King, and was chewing on what I thought was cheeseburger until I tasted blood. I looked in a mirror and realized I had mutilated the inside of my left cheek. I'm smart I swear...

The aftereffects of the anesthesia for my wisdom teeth removal made me incapable of distinguishing depth. You know, like on stairs. I still remember being convinced that my mom needed to LET ME GO, DAMMIT so I could get to the handrail and use it to support myself so I could go down the hallway ALL BY MYSELF. Except...that handrail in the hallway? Was actually a handrail for the staircase. Luckily, my mom did not let me go.

OMG, you had me laughing so hard that I was crying, which woke up my husband, a heavy sleeper, enough to ask me what was wrong because he thought I was JUST crying, and then he forbade me from reading your blog at night anymore. I'm so incapable of stopping my laughter (and tears) that I had to leave the bed and come into the guest room to comment.

When I was 20, I had my wisdom teeth pulled, all 4 of 'em, and I knew my mom was worried. So as soon as I woke up, drugged as I was, I started calling for her and tried to get out of bed. I just wanted to tell her I was ok. A nurse found me and put me back in bed, but I forgot to tell the nurse what the issue was. So as soon as she left, I started calling for my mom again. Meanwhile, my mom apparently heard me from the waiting room and was freaking out at the medical staff to let her back into the recovery room because I obviously needed her.

Of course, by then I was just critiquing the art print hanging on the recovery room wall as if I was in my painting class.

Allie, your timing is PERFECT! I'm getting all four of my wisdom teeth out on Saturday. My brother is getting his out on the same day. I'm thinking of teaching my parents how to take videos with my camera so we can witness the hilarity later on. Thanks for another hilarious post!

Hilarious! Reminded me of when I had my wisdom teeth pulled - I'd feel functional for all five minutes I was awake at a time, but then I'd involuntarily nod back off again and ten minutes would go by. It was bizarre. (We won't even get into what the painkillers they sent me home with did to me...)

So... today I decided to forgo my typical morning yoga/pilates routine in favor of reading your blog. In fact, I left nearly 10 minutes late for work because I was so engrossed in your writing... but it was totally worth it, and work is a total suck-fest anyway. As soon as I got home from said suck-fest, I made some pancakes and got right back to reading your blog. My boyfriend tried to divert my attention by employing several tactics including buying me a gigantic Slurpee, playing Super Mario Bros. music on his guitar, and saying, "Hey... don't you have some reading for school that you should be doing instead?". I accepted the Slurpee (duh), acknowledged the awesomeness of the music with a half-smile, and told him to "shove it" in regards to the school reading reminder. Essentially, all I want to do is read this because it feels like you can read my thoughts and speak my mind and I can't get enough!

Thank you and please keep them coming or else I really will have to do that school work...

I got a wisdom tooth pulled like ten years ago or something, but I only had local anesthetic (the kind where they jam a needle into your gums and pump Novocaine into them), so afterward, I was only numb/drooly, not completely out of it.

I'm sitting in the middle of my living room with my family, shaking with suppressed laughter. I find myself filled with equal amounts mirth and fear, seeing as I'm supposed to get my wisdom teeth out sometime soon. :D

Let me guess, it was a wisdom tooth coming in sideways? All four of mine were coming in sideways, so the orthodontist made me get mine removed, too. All I remember about the recovery room is beeping and a nurse yelling at me, repeatedly, to put my oxygen mask back on. Apparently the beeping was my oxygen levels falling dangerously because I wasn't breathing.

Bwaahahahahaha! Omigosh! You made me laugh so bad!!!!Dentists don't sedate people here in Argentina, we just get local anaesthesia :PBtw, it reminded me of a little boy that has a youtube video! His name is David (I think) and it is hilarious!!!

The tears!! They are rolling down my face! *clutches stomach, which is cramping from laughing so hard*

I can actually kind of relate to this...the heavy sedation bit, I mean. Two months ago I had my wisdom teeth cut out, and for the first half hour after coming out of surgery apparently I was babbling and trying to be understood around my swollen useless lips, and my mom was laughing hysterically because I wasn't making any sense. Cruel woman, laughing at the heavily sedated...

This was so beautiful.I kept laughing and I had to turn away from the computer to regain my composure. And then I turned back and it was still on the screen and the cycle started anew!LIKE A MEDUSA'S EYE IT TRANSFIXED ME.

Oh, Allie Brosh. I was laughsnorting so hard and so loud I honestly thought I was going to get in trouble for being too loud after Midnight. I think I sound like a retarded seal or something 'cause my dad just looked at me funny. Shut up, dad. You don't understand me.

When I had to have my wisdom teeth removed last year, I was absolutely insane when I woke up after the surgery. The evil nursewoman only let me lay in the recovery bed for about two minutes before she made my mom drag me away and into the car. Only my mother had to sign me up for the follow-up appointment at the check-in desk (as I obviously was not in the condition to do so myself) so I was essentially standing against the wall, stoned out of my mind for about ten minutes while silently crying and sort of drooling blood and being unable to feel it because I was stoned out of my mind and I was attempting to say "mom, mommy are you done yet I wanttogosleep" but it came out as "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmsleep aaaaaa" and then I cried harder, which hurt my face.

Then we finally, finally get out to the car and the sun is way, way too bright and I'm crying and my face is falling off and I'm stoned out of my fucking mind and I sit in the car and I'm crying and I'm hungry and I want a milkshake but one of the few things I can manage to remember the surgeon saying is "DON'T BE SUCKIN' ANYTHIN' THROUGH A STRAW" so I couldn't even enjoy a milkshake for like two weeks and that made me cry even harder.

As soon as I got home, I passed out in a flop on my bed and when I came to, two of my friends were coming over to give me a get-better-soon card they made that had a giant happy-faced tooth on it. Of course, I was still highly drugged at this point, and when I saw the card I started sobbing because I felt bad for my poor teeth who were wrenched from their home.

Allie! I love you! You make it worth my while to get up in the morning! Thank you thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!

I'm sorry so many unfortunate things have happened to you, but I'm very glad that they turn out so funny. I love the facial expressions you draw!

I had my mouth numbed at the dentist a lot when I was little, I think maybe every single one of my baby teeth had a cavity at one point. I have many memories of eating food and not being able to feel it, or I wanted to see if I could feel it so I would snap my jaw closed as hard as possible, which hurt.

You make me laugh so much! I only discovered your blog a week ago, and I have already introduced my sister and mom to it. We all think you're so funny! I don't know how you remember all these childhood stories with such hilarious detail.

Like your Mom (and like most parents I suspect), I too have rested my forehead on one of those fast-food place immovable plastic tables in that exact same defeated way. Yes indeed, you are truly brilliant.

I've been reading your blog for quite a while and have been waiting for a chance to comment. I love your blog by the way, its absolutely hilarious - and since comedy is once of my favorite things in the world ... that makes your blog one of my favorite things (in some weird somehow related way).

I don't really remember much about the last time I was slightly out of my mind on pain killers from dental surgery, but my wife constantly reminds me 'about the time I was singing to the fruit in the grocery store'.

Well - I suppose thats what you get when you take me shopping after having a tooth pulled. I can't imagine I was doing well since half my mouth was frozen and I was probably drooling all over the place - but I have delirious visions of an audience clapping when I was done.

Oh my goodness Allie, this one hits close to home. Especially funny to me as when I was still heavily sedated, I asked for Monkey pictures on the wall to make me 'feel better', the lights turned off, and then I started "spelling" my boyfriend's phone number by holding up my fingers.

I was obviously practicing for when I would be a drunk college student years later. I successfully spelled his number.

I had that same rogue tooth! Although mine was apparently a lone member of a *third* set of teeth and was growing in the direction of my *sinuses*! I don't remember any of the aftermath though. Your story is priceless! :D

I had a very similar experience recently when I had my wisdom teeth removed.I mean it was the same except totally different and I'm 23 years old. I was so annihilated I kept dropping the eff-bomb on my mom and the doctor etc. The best part though was that I had the presence of mind enough to video tape my own self with my own phone...for like 7 minutes. Its some of the most incredible footage I have ever seen. Whatever the hell they give you to pull teeth is the most crucial anesthetic of all time(at least thats what I think). I freaking love your blog, you're awesome!

That was freakin hilarious! I need to quit reading your posts while my husband is sleeping because I am afraid I am going to wake him with my cackling.I just had an experience at the dentist and found out I still have a baby tooth...that needs to be pulled. I am going to be thinking about you and the parp after I get it pulled!:)Jess

Oh, Allie, how I love your stories. A couple of years ago, I had to have oral surgery where two of my teeth were pulled and another two in the roof of my mouth were exposed. The last thing I remember before being knocked out was something about a bee sting and laughing. When I woke up I was laying on a bench and my lips felt three times as large as they had when I walked in. My mom and some nurse were standing over me, making sure I woke up alright.

Well, when I woke up, I blinked and then proclaimed that I had Angelina Jolie lips. I'm strangely coherent when I wake up from any surgery and I'm able to talk fairly clearly, so my mom bust into laughter.

Of course, this isn't the real funny part, it was after. See, when you have exposures they put some sort of clay thing to keep the holes open for later. My mom thought that I was well enough to have a milkshake, and went through the McDonald's drive-thru and got me a chocolate milkshake (My absolute favorite.) Well, when I started to slurp the milkshake up, my mouth started bleeding, I freaked out, not knowing what was going on and started crying.

My mom figured out was was wrong and told me I wasn't allowed to have my milkshake, more tears poured down my face. So, to anyone that drove past us, I probably looked like some poor abused kid with a panicky mother.

Uh... I'm not that funny, I know, but I felt like sharing? -Seemed funny to her.-

This reminds me of when I got my wisdom teeth removed. I was so woozy I couldn't really see, and I was left in a little dark room to lie down until my mom could pick me up. I started giggling, probably louder than I thought because they told me to be quiet.

For some reason this made me omgsupersaaaaaad =c I got depressed and lonely and wanted my mom.

I went to a birthday party after a dental appointment when I was about six. The novocaine had not worn off yet. I remember noticing suddenly that everyone was staring at me weirdly. I had chewed up my (numb) tongue and blood was running out of my mouth. Fortunately, it healed just fine although my mom says it got a lot worse before it got better.