Flashes of insight from the Everyman. Weekly observational posts. Part comedy, part philosophy, part temper tantrum, Lightning Bug's Butt is always good for a laugh and/or a place to send your hate mail.
Thanks for visiting. All rights reserved. Comments welcome.

7/22/2006

Muse-ical

I have a unique brand of discipline for my daughter. I don't ever strike her. When she misbehaves, I don't deny her the things she loves or zap privileges. I just remind her that every time she upsets me, somewhere a unicorn dies.

Sexy isn't cute. But cute is sexy. This is why sexy people are usually single and miserable and why cute people always have dozens of admirers vying for their affections.

Gay men have a great taste in music and a great taste in clothing. Lesbians haven't inherited these qualities. But they sure do know a good motorcycle when they see one.

More than anything I detest toil. But I have a nagging suspicion that the lack of toil saps the value out of life.

I love America. But America needs to learn a lesson from the Swiss. Somebody's always threatening our way of life and clamoring for our destruction. Consequently, every decade or so we have to go to war with somebody. But nobody ever targets the Swiss. How does Switzerland pull that stunt off decade after decade? Switzerland is the Tom Hanks of countries. Everybody likes them. People send us dive-bombing planes, shrapnel and anthrax. They toast wieners over our burning flag. When they're done kicking the crap of an effigy of George Bush, they send all their money to Switzerland. Switzerland has all that beautiful land, all those beautiful people and all that money! Yet nobody kicks their doors in and loots it. We need to be more like the Swiss, only not so queer.

If I were a psychologist, I'd buy all my depressed patients a McDonald's Happy Meal. I figure it's worth a shot. And if it didn't cure them, I'd ridicule them: “What, daddy didn't show you enough affection so now you're too good to eat a hamburger? Freak! I give you happiness in a box and you're so self-centered and neurotic that you can't reach in and grab it? I don't know what more I can do for you. Your hour is up. That'll be $225.”

Most people agree that Burger King has better food than McDonald's. But Burger King lacks that first-rate marketing department that McD's has. Think about movie tie-ins. McDonald's gets movies like Indiana Jones, Star Wars, ET, etc. Burger King jumped onboard with King fuckin' Ralph, with John Goodman. Might as well advertise that your restaurants have radon gas leaks in the lobbies. King Ralph? What's next for Burger King? Are they going to tie in with Alexander? “Come back for another Whoppertunity -- to see Colin Farrell show his ballsack and kiss that guy from Queer Eye.”

Remember the “population bomb?" It was bullshit. Then came “global cooling.” More bullshit. Then we were making a hole in the ozone -- right up until the hole disappeared. Alas, more bullshit. Now we have “global warming.” Yeah. It's not hot out because it's the middle of fucking July. It's hot out because Americans are evil and George Bush is stupid. How's that for hard science? When we discover that “global warming” is bullshit, too, I predict the next pending disaster -- whatever they dream up -- will require more taxation, less industry and a sacrifice of the American way of life, that is until it reveals itself as another steaming pile of misanthropistic bullshit.

Some couples are so attracted to each other that they accelerate into one another, collide and disintegrate. With others, the attractive force is too weak; their paths curve toward each other but then drift apart. But with some couples, the attractive forces, the trajectories and the distance between the bodies are perfect, so that they fall into an everlasting orbit. Then they meet on Brokeback Mountain and butt-slam each other in a tent.

Yeah, yeah. I know "misanthropistic" is not a real word. But it should be.

*Cute trumps over SEXY?!?! YES!! tis a good day to be Mary Ann rather than Ginger in LBB land. (or tis a good day to be Janet rather than Chrissy..;D) Hubby always told me that too, but I thought he just wanted to get laid.

*Swiss being queer is the reason why no one touches them. If a country were to attack Swiss it would be the equivalent of a man hitting a woman. The rest of the world would forever condemn said country for abusing Miss Swiss.

I'm not a fan of Burger King food. I'll take a Fish Filet or a Quarter Pounder with Cheese over any of BK's food.I like Arby's food the best. I also love Jack in the Box food, but they don't have those here in AR. AR hicks can really eat. I consider myself a hick now since I've lived here for a year, so I guess I can start chowing down on hushpuppies and barbecue until I burst.

1)I'm gonna have to try that unicorn thing but she might be too old for it.2)What defines cute and what defines sexy? Is it controllable?3)Burger King is greasier then McD's but I would prefer not to eat at either.4)The US brings a necessary good to the world and have to take the good with the bad.

oh the poor wee unicorn slayer. thats too mean! wicked daddy butt.i have never much enjoyed being called cute. sexy bitch always worked best with me. but i must say as i get older 'cute' definately holds more appeal. i'm now going to embrace my cuteness. dammit if the unicorn slayers can get away with still being cute i'm gonna turn it around.misanthropistic is a fabulous word. congratulations.

Yeah Global Warming is bullshit! Hello! Haven't scientist been taking about ancient melting polar caps causing calamaties? (Any reason to blame Bush!) Besides, if we had Global Warming, it would have been from a 100 years of Industrialization, not 6 years of ONE administration! Damn you McKinley! Damn you to HELL!

People love Swiss because of the cucko clocks - they fear that if they target them in a war, teh Swiss will send a bunch of cucko clocks as that'll all go off at the same time as, making everybody crazy, as reply. Swiss are dangerous!

Misanthropistic isn't a word? What the fuck do you call it then? It's a collection of letters that is pronounceable. It's a word. How have the other "real" words come about? That's right, they were just made up.

Oh, also, the cute thing. I've never been able to pull of sexy. All attempts are polluted by cute, probably due to be short and young looking. I used to hate it but as I'm already shrinking and getting older I'll take it.

Two others admitted to being HICKS in this comment section, so....how do we tie cute and Hick together???