Personally, I believe uncontrollable jealously is one of the most destructive human emotions.

“Jealousy can be understood in two ways. (1) When someone is praised, a feeling of coldness and resentment are developed in our hearts. We compare ourselves in mind; we match ourselves in thought; we imagine ourselves to be superior. In other words, it is the thing that takes joy out of heart. (2) When someone is unfairly criticized, someone stumbles or falls, we feel glad; we keep silence; we don’t express either sympathy or empathy. In other words, it is the thing that takes compassion out of heart. Therefore, jealousy is poison that kills joy and compassion in our hearts. Alexander Whyte, the great Scottish preacher, said, “Jealousy can blacken the depths of our hearts,” and that means, it can invade the heart of the best.”

I bring this up for a few reason. One being the conversation I had with Beanie last night about her brother. We discussed my feelings for him and she told me that his girlfriend is very, very jealous. Ah ha! That’s why he didn’t say two words to me at Christmas last year. That’s why he’s so much more flirtatious in our letters. That’s why I felt a tidal wave of jealousy and hate flow over me, from her, even though we had never met before.

I learned from AZ, that its okay to be jealous but to not let that jealousy control you. I learned that also from my own family. My Ma-Ma, love her heart, was one of the most jealous women I have known. My Pa-Pa was completely devoted to her. I mean completely! Their’s was a love beyond time and space, yet my Ma-Ma would freak out if he was gone for two minutes longer than he was supposed to be. She flew into a rage one time over it. I remember it well.

My mother, likewise, either inherited this trait or simply picked it up along the way. It consumes her life. I believe it is at the root of her actions towards me in my life. I’ve listened to it for so long, it became difficult to discern from jealousy and everday conversation. Now though, I know the difference. There is no joy in her life for anyone else’s accomplishments. She gloats at others misfortunes, especially if she feels as though they deserved it for being better than her or happier or prettier or smarter or anything. It just doesn’t matter.

I’m not sure when I moved from unhealthy jealousy to healthy jealousy. This website describes it as such “One drop of joy plus jealousy becomes obsession which is self-sustaining and self-invigorating energy. In other words, it is the ability to choose your conflicts wisely. If the conflict is draining, the lower aspects of jealousy and obsession are activated, then you could become petty and ineffective in the world. If the conflict is invigorating, your concerns are clear and you are able to take action.

Joy is based in the heart center. Concern, courage and obsession are all matters of the heart and combine to make up your emotions and insight. Once your mind, body and spirit are filled with joyous acts, let the events fall away. The joy remains, so take that joy to every aspect of your life.

* In a moment of fear, draw upon your joy and allow your concerns to be expressed.
* In times of anger, draw upon your joy to become courageous and take effective action.
* Choose conflicts that invigorate and are self-sustaining.
* In a moment of jealousy, draw upon your joy and become possessed by your passions.
Let yourself focus on your goal; dare to create what you want and deserve. Allow your joy to provide you with inspiration, information and insight into your own process. Let your emotions heal you.”

I think what I highlighted above is what I learned. When the emotion of jealousy starts, to draw upon the joy. Feeling as I have about AZ and feeling as I do about Jer, I don’t feel any jealousy toward their girlfriends. I draw upon the joy of having them as my friends and realizing that I have a relationship with them that is special in its own right. Even when I was with Lex, who everyone upon everyone knows, just like AZ, and he was hugging girls left and right…. it didn’t matter. Actually, I still get a little more jealous when AZ diverts his attention elsewhere. LOL!! But not because its the person, its simply because I would like a few moments of his time.

That’s what I get jealous over. If you give me a few moments of your time, great! If you constantly put me off for something else, yes, I’m going to get jealous. In other words, push me and I’ll get there.

In the last couple of years I have encountered the type of jealousy that is very unhealthy. One time was with my friend PC’s wife, now ex-wife, thank goodness. I had never met her before when PC’s mom called to let me know they were coming in for Christmas. Just some background, PC and I dated for three months back in 1992 or so. Then, we just became friends. Then we found out we were actually third cousins. Hahahahahahaha… yeah, well, I was like family anyway.
PC’s family treated me like family before they ever knew I was family. They treat Nate like their own grandchild. He calls them Nanny and Poppy. I was very happy for PC, that he had found someone and was getting married, until I met her, Joy. No, that’s her name. Joy. Talk about an oxymoron!!! I’m not even sure she said hello when we met. I was ignored by her and PC the rest of the time I was there. I was shocked. Nanny was shocked and angry.

As PC and Joy’s wedding approached, Nanny and I talked about where it was etc. etc. Then, I wasn’t invited to the wedding. OUCH! I mean, OUCH!! Nanny was PISSED!! She told me when they had the reception here that I was going to be there and I was going to look beautiful!! Yes, ma’am. Nanny is a not just a Christian but a Christian who lives the life and I had never seen her in such a tizzy.

Long story short, PC and Joy divorced and PC and I have mended fences and I didn’t smack him with a crowbar. He and I talked about her jealousy toward me, even though we had never met and I certainly was no threat to her and PC’s relationship. She never even tried to get to know me. That’s what pissed me off.

Same with Jeremy’s girlfriend. She had never met me. I’ve known the family for 20 years and yet she made me feel as though I was an interloper and not just Jeremy, but the entire family, belonged to her and I wasn’t welcome. I didn’t do anything but exist. That was obviously too much. The one thing that makes me sad about these types of situations is that the males in question, PC and Jeremy, feel some sort of compulsion to put up with this type of bullshit. I was ignored because they didn’t want to deal with the repercussions of talking to me.

So, everything with Jeremy makes a lot more sense than it did before. I’m not changing who I am for his girlfriend. I was run off once before and I won’t be run off again. Not only that, but Beanie told me last night that she believes, as I do, that Jeremy has a crush on me too and has had one for about 20 years…. LOL!!! This doesn’t mean things will work out for us, girlfriend or not, but it is nice to know and may be something we could build on if things don’t work out with him and her.

Here’s hoping you experience the joy in your life today!!! And may the Spirits of Light be with the victims of Hurricane Ivan. Thank you Spirits for watching over my family. Ivan bobbled at the last minute and spared them.

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9 Comments

If I’m being honest, I’m pretty bad about this in terms of being jealous of others success and getting some pleasure at their failures. It is one of the ugliest of human emotions and something I really have to work at every day to correct.

Gooch — At least you’re willing to admit it. That’s the first step. I’m not sure why some folks are that way. I haven’t figured it out myself. I’m all into the self-help thing so click on the link in the post and see if it helps any. If you want to that is. I like you anyway though and like I stated in your comments, you never know when someone is looking at your life, wishing it was theirs.

I agree that jealousy can be very destructive and I’ve experienced it from both sides.
Too people believe it comes from a lack of trust when it really comes more from a lack of self-esteem.
Mind you, I also think it’s potentially dangerous for two friends with crushes to try and have a close relationship while letting the crush fester. Two mature adults can manage it without any harm but it’s still playing with fire, in my humble opinion.

jealousy is such a bad emotion. i think its a natural feeling, animals obviously feel it too. its learning how to control it and let it go. Its so wrong to use jealousy in a relationship to control someone. Its like the old buterfly poem

if you love someone set them free
and if they come back it was meant to be

If you love something set it free.
If it doesn’t come back, hunt it down and kill it.

😛

And jealousy in the relationships you describe is a lack of self esteem in the girl. Sad. It seems that it’s a lack of maturity, too, as some seem to outgrow it. I’m with you on the disappointment in the male friends, though. You’d think they’d be stronger. My best friend for YEARS is a male. When he and his now wife started dating he told her I was his best friend and that’s how it was. She was cool with it.

Brilliant post, Inanna. I’m somewhere between Gooch and JP – I do have jealous tendencies from time to time, but I know first had what they can lead to so I kept a really tight rein on them for years. Now I’m almost jealousy free.

As everyone has stated before, great post as always. And you couldn’t have used a better example than Joy for it. Like you said, ex-wife… thank goodness! You are right about me standing back like I did too. I was so co-dependent on ex-bitch that I let her happiness direct my happiness. Like someone else said, I should have been stronger.

But I’m glad we mended fences (and I’m glad you didn’t use that crowbar!) Thanks for being your wonderful self!