Some positive spin on Mercury Retrograde. To sum up her long article: “Which makes the truth of the Mercury retrograde matter really quite simple: the trivial frustrations we’re forced to deal with when concealed information comes to our attention always pale in comparison to the intellectual power that becomes available to us whenever it does. Always. ” So I will take that as part of my current meditations being timely and run with it.

Last night as I was falling asleep, I imagined that I was a potted plant. Left too long in a too small pot, my roots became bound, knotted and crushed. Watered both too often and too little at varying times, my leaves flourished and withered, grew stunted and strange. I was unceremoniously yanked from that pot, with no thought to the injury of my leaves, crushed and broken by gripping hands, no thought to the tearing and breaking of my roots as they stuck to the sides of the old pot. Eventually I was replanted in a larger, perhaps too large, pot, filled with good, organically rich soil, but yet still watered too much or too little by varying turns and left in burning sunlight and dark corners at random intervals. Eventually I found myself where I am now: strong enough to bear the elements, water and light, whether too much or too little and only just discovering that I can start reaching my roots out in to better, more nutrient soil. Only just now realizing what that will mean to the growth and spread of my leaves.

This morning I’ve been thinking too much and I think it’s fair to say that, that as we creep up on May, I have cried every day for two years now. For every day that I haven’t cried, there’s been another day that I’ve cried twice. I’m letting all of that go. Over 700 days, it’s hard to imagine what even kicked off each of those teary instances. Each one floats away like cherry petals on the wind today.

Here are some more timely bits for my current meditations: Tiny Wisdom on Suffering and On Letting Go of a Relationship. I think I have been doing mostly the right things with my recent choices, but perhaps working so hard to hold onto my friendship with Hawthorn has made it harder to let the relationship part go. I suppose I do need to sit down with him and make sure he knows how I feel in a way that satisfies me, and let him have his say, even if I know it will hurt.

Taurus Horoscope for week of April 7, 2011The hydrochloric acid in our digestive system is so corrosive it can dissolve a nail. In other words, you contain within you the power to dematerialize solid metal. Why is it so hard, then, for you to conceive of the possibility that you can vaporize a painful memory or bad habit or fearful fantasy? I say you can do just that, Taurus — especially at this moment, when your capacity for creative destruction is at a peak. Try this meditation: Imagine that the memory or habit or fantasy you want to kill off is a nail. Then picture yourself dropping the nail into a vat of hydrochloric acid. Come back every day and revisit this vision, watching the nail gradually dissolve.

This week I am going to actively work on embracing my Vipassanā meditation and related studies instead of just paying them much lip service. I’ve got books to read and guided meditations (for newbies) to get myself back into it and start centering myself again. At the risk of over structuring myself in the near future I am going to make a point to leave open time that will ideally be either reading or sewing, both activities that pull me out of myself and leave me feeling better. I am not rushing it, but also working setting in motion finding a martial arts teacher as well.

I realized this morning, when sort of half awake, that I haven’t taken Klonopin more than once a week since, well, since I started feeling stuck and like I wasn’t getting better. Which is to say that I suspect the Klonopin was going a long way towards making me feel better. As always with any drugs, I’m on the fence with this. I have no real fear of dependence on it, if I need it, I need it. And, really, I’m not sure why I haven’t been taking it, except perhaps I don’t need it right now? Still I’m sure that’s a big part of how overwhelmed I’ve been feeling by my emotions, since they aren’t currently being blocked or blanketed in the way they were in the many weeks following the break up. This isn’t going to stop me taking it when I think I need it, but I guess I have unintentionally become more selective about how I use it. I’m certain this is a good thing.

I was thinking last night about Letting Things Go, and what some of those things are. I feel like when you look at my last three or four years and the number of friends and lovers that have passed from my life, at the amount of actual trauma I’ve been through, at the lack of support I’ve had (though much more from my lack of expressing need for it, than lack of people to offer it) it feels like a miracle that I’m still here functioning as well as I am. But I want to take all of those things and push them away into the past. I can not be convinced that many of them even need “dealing with” to push them back. I just want to release them all, let it go and keep moving forward into whatever comes next. I am tired of, exhausted by, carrying all of those things. I am just going to set them down, right here, by the side of the road. I will hold on to the still precious pieces that I feel like still need some care before they are set free (Hawthorn, my teeth, a few other small bits) and just keep moving on until I get to the place where I can set those things down as well. Forward, one foot in front of the other, with already a lighter load and knowledge of increasing lightness in my future.

Despite my whining last night I did have a good time with Oak yesterday. It was a nice, open conversation and I am actually happy for him, should his new potential love work out. Even moreso, I’m amused that I figured it out before he did (girls don’t invite you to drive 2 hours to visit three weekends in a row and comment on ALL your FB posts if they don’t like you). “I guess she was flirting with me,” he said, “I guess I need to be hit over the head with that stuff.” Having the conversation about all that seemed to finally relax him enough to be teasingly flirty with me, which was wonderful, though a little bittersweet.

It was an enjoyable day, all the way until I was walking home alone from my afternoon with Oak. Partly because we’d talked a lot about how mad I am at Hawthorn and because I was mad at Hawthorn still and because my experiment of asking that guitar-playing boy out ended in two rejections (one more subtle and open to interpretation and the other pretty outright, though he still insists he wants to go get a beer some time. Whatever).

Ironically, I was paying lip service yesterday to how much better I’ve been at letting things go and not getting riled up over things I have no control over or things that would seem otherwise inconsequential. And yet, I spent the whole evening riled up over things I have no control over. As the anxiety and fear start to ebb, I realize that I am just so filled with anger all the time. More anger than I’ve ever had in my life. And I still really lack any sort of control over my emotions and emotional responses so anger more often than not means tears and frustration for me. Honestly, I’m so tired of crying that this in itself makes me more angry and perpetuates the cycle.

As a result of how I felt at the end of the day yesterday I spent some time trying to dig out why I am so mad at Hawthorn. Certainly it’s obvious on the surface, the poorly timed break up, the incredible upheaval to my life right when I really needed to feel stable, the obvious selfishness of his actions all the way through. But I think that bigger picture stuff is actually too much for me to deal with, it’s more how it plays out every day. I do enjoy his company and some of the time we spend together. I just feel like he takes it for granted that I’m going to go see a show or do something with him. And that combined with his repeated asking if I’m going after I’ve said no, leaves me feeling like he doesn’t recognize any of my boundaries. Plus he often fails to come through when I do want him, leaving me feel like we only do his things on his schedule and once again I don’t matter, or what I want doesn’t matter. Plus when he knows he’s angered or annoyed me he goes out of his way to try and appease me which just further frustrates me. I don’t want offerings and presents after the fact, I just want my own needs and boundaries recognized right up front.

Of course I recognize the need to separate myself from Hawthorn, that will be the best way to limit these frustrations. But even that is limited, since I have to work with him everyday. And obviously I am in a very lonely place right now and he’s easy to call on to keep me company. Which of course isn’t necessarily the best option, but we don’t all always pick the best options, you know? And I still maintain that having sex with someone else will surely go a long way towards helping me let go of the current attachments, I’m just not sure how t make that happen without things getting messy and more complicated. Or, in fact, I just need to meet new people who will think I’m charming and take up my time.

And when I’m feeling like this, I reach out more into to divine and unknown to try help understand what I’m feeling. This mostly takes form in meditation and much in depth exploration of my astrological chart and where my signs are sitting right now. A very simplified example of that is my current horoscopes, which have for the past several days, mostly looked like some variation on today’s projection:

Physical passionThis influence arouses a strong attraction to and desire to be with someone. You will be much more aggressive than usual in going out and finding a partner. This influence is often a sign of physical passion. Under this influence a sexual relationship is very satisfying to both partners. Even without sex, you will be very happy with other people. You feel more vivacious and attractive than usual and may well be the life of the party. You will work hard to gain the approval of others during this time, so strong is your need for affection. Artistic activity is also indicated, for the general significance of this influence is self- expression through creativity and love.

It’s not like it’s telling me anything I don’t know. More it simply affirms what I already know I’ve been feeling. I recognize how much positivity there is in all that. I do feel more attractive. I do want to go out and socialize more. I am much less locked in by my negative emotions and ready to get back to living in the world. Still following through on getting out more and seeing more and different people is work, even when it’s positive and my available energy for dealing with things, even positive ones, is still pretty low (although admittedly the positive social interactions do replenish that energy to some extent).

(An aside: hahaha! While I’m typing this, Hawthorn just stuck his head in my office door and offered me coffee and told me he brought something he knew I wanted from the old house–see? Offereings and gifts because he knows I’m pissed off. ARG!)

In other positive news, I got a kitchen table in this weekend and hopefully the rest of my office furniture arrives today, which means I’ll be able to get everything except the books put away. The apartment has been rapidly becoming more comfortable (the recent additions of a reading lamp by the couch, small stereo for the living room and getting the bed room fully unpacked have really helped) and much more like my own sanctuary. It’s nice to feel like I have a place I’m supposed to be.

An excerpt from an email from Cedar: You know, whoever told you that you have the eyes of an old soldier gave you a compliment. A soldier that makes it to “old” has better eyes than the rest. And once you make it to “old,” you usually make it home, too.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot the last couple days. What the metaphor of old soldier means to me. What it means to be a survivor and how one deals with things to become a survivor. How, after surviving, one makes it home and lives again once there.

I don’t actually talk about my life very much, even here. If you look closely at my words or listen to me, I almost always talk around the things that are my own personal emotional vulnerability. There are a few close friends who I will revisit things with, but generally I prefer all the past to stay in the past and not be revisited or relived. I suspect this is why therapy hasn’t been quite right for me so far. And maybe won’t be in the future, as I very stubbornly believe that there’s little to be gained from revisiting past suffering. Combined with the fact that I think depending on which angle it’s viewed from my life has either been a series of a variegated horrors (as seen through the lens of protected, middle American, suburban prescriptions for normality) or endless run of luck, continuously bringing me to better and better places (as seen through a lens of the bulk of the non-white, non-wealthy people of the world). I’d like to live on the pleasant side of the second lens and I don’t see how choosing to treat the past as series of horrors relived in therapy is going to get me to a better place.

I also know that I have a cultural, familial and inherent natural, personal bias toward Stoicism (real, ancient, philosophically ethical Stoicism, not necessarily modern emotionally repressed Stoicism). This is surely a positive for me as much as it is a negative for me. And yes, there are times in my life when I need help (now and recent months) and yes it does hinder me from sometimes reaching for or asking for the help I need (because of my belief that my will should be strong enough to carry me through anything). But I recognize these limitations and I don’t see anything wrong with accepting that I am a specific kind of person who would rather bear the pain until it can be pushed back into a thing of the past than a person who wants to air it out publicly. I’m only thinking this as I’m typing it, but it seems like there’s something to said for acknowledging the kind of person one is and dealing with things that way, rather than forcing one’s square-shaped being into a round solution hole, yeah? Which isn’t to say I won’t keep trying to be better at asking for the help and support I need. I will try and try harder and harder. And I will continue to explore the options available to me for the support and healing I need. But I am definitely making sure that I am considering myself through all of this and that I am not going to magically change into a person who wants to talk endlessly about my real, deep, emotional problems or open up in truly emotionally vulnerable way. I firmly believe that trying to force that on myself is not going to really help. To take a gross metaphor way too far: I have a huge wound and I want it cauterized. I know it isn’t infected and I don’t want anyone trying to dig deeply in it to cleanse it, I’m sure cauterization will work just fine, thank you. My method will leave a permanent scar, but I expect to get the full range of motion back eventually, and I’m not interested in being stitched and coddled in such a way that I’m returned to pristine perfection.

Of course all these thoughts on my nature and how I view myself are subject to change at any moment. Even now I realize that all of this may either be in line with or completely at odds with my concurrent thoughts about the need for balance and equilibrium in my life. But those concurrent thoughts are for another day. Today I am willing myself to be in the moment, to enjoy the sunshine, to see the good in other people and to recognize when I can push negativity aside and just live.

Well I’m rather pleased with myself that I’ve managed to keep up with this blogging thing for a month so far. Eleven more to go! I tried to do an emotional inventory or progress report on myself last night. I’m not sure if I was doing it because I had insomnia, or if I had insomnia because I was doing it. So we’ll start there.

Insomnia: This has actually been a lifelong problem for me. I have clear memories of my sleep troubles from when I was eight or nine. It does seem to come in cycles and it does seem to be vastly amplified by stress. The muscle relaxants definitely exacerbated it the couple of times I tried to take them (might experiment one more time with taking them during the day). The Lexapro actually seemed to help with the insomnia, but left me dull, fatigued and lethargic during the day (plus the intestinal problems made it a no go anyway). I think that now that I am off the SSRIs, I will add the 5-HTP I was taking back into my regimen as it really seemed to help before and I believe it shouldn’t have ill effects with the St. John’s Wort (indeed they are often recommended together).

Sometimes I think if I could just get the sleep thing together I’d be much better off over all. Possibly that’s true, but there’s so many other factors that I don’t think I should give too much sway to the power of sleep (though it is healing a and good).

Panic attacks: These had increased dramatically for me in Oct, Nov and Dec of 2010. Now I am mainly back to having them only at night. Which doesn’t help the insomnia much but is better than getting them while driving or being out socially. The Klonopin does wonders for the panic attacks. I have mentioned (to folks for sure and probably here) that I understand the dependency possibility with benzos like this but you can pry my Klonopin from my cold, dead hands because this stuff is MAGIC. I think currently I am most relieved at the lessened panic attacks. This makes all my other problems seem less insurmountable.

Therapy: I think it’s only just beginning to dawn on my how much long, hard work therapy is going to be. It’s a bit intimidating but I think I am up for it. Planning on continuing it until I think I don’t need it. I do hope that this isn’t a forever thing. I’d like to start setting limits and guidelines for it. Like can I overcome my hysterical sobbing at the idea of going to the dentist? Can I learn to ask for help with out feeling like I’m doing something horribly, terribly wrong? Can I create a relationship with my mother that feels good most of the time instead of half of the time? Can I verbalize what I need out of relationships and set guidelines for continuing my trend of increasingly healthy ones (yes, I know recent events make them seem sucky, but both Oak and Hawthorn are Prince Charmings compared to previous dating history–I think I have already been making strides here and I’d like to continue that). So within the bounds of all that, I can’t guess how long I’ll go to therapy, but I’m glad to have it as an outlet and a support and I think it’s been helpful so far, at least in showing me that there is a path and there is help.

Blogging: Writing in this space has been incredibly helpful to me. I feel like it’s given me a place to order my thoughts and shake some of the chaos out of my head. The vague anonymity of it (I mean I know you’re reading and I know you know me, but I don’t see you) has freed me from feeling judged about what I’m writing and I think I’ve done an excellent job of not self-censoring. Ordering and writing down my thoughts here has really helped me with being able to later verbalize feelings and opinions on my health and my situation when I am talking to my friends in real life and I think has actually facilitated me being comfortable being much more open with people in person (therapy has helped with that as well). So even if I am sort of parroting myself in person, I at least am using my own assessments of myself and feeling less confused and more likely to talk about how I’m feeling.

Medication: Clearly it’s been up and down. I think my decision to make the leap to go on medication was the right one. I don’t think it worked for me and I glad to find myself in a place to start trying more natural remedies. However I think there’s a psychological impact of simply having taken the drugs. I feel better. Period. I doubt the SSRIs made me feel better in 8 weeks. Maybe they did, but perhaps just the choice to have taken them, the asking for help and the actively starting to work on my problems is what’s making me feel better. So sort of placebo effect as it were (with terrible side effects). It hasn’t been easy, but I am glad to have the Klonopin and I am glad to know I have other options if I get to feeling where I am not doing as well as I’d hoped.

Relationships: Well, what can I say? I feel confident that my inability to deal with things and see things for what they are (my anxiety and mental illness, basically) caused the demise of my relationship with Oak. I’m sticking by having made those choices in good faith while I was looking for safety and comfort. I feel that at the time Hawthorm was genuinely offering what I thought I needed. I did originally seek help not only for own sanity, but because tiny cracks had started to appear in my relationship with Hawthorn and I thought if I could get better I could save the relationship. Clearly that didn’t matter since Hawthorn had the bad timing to accidentally coincide his break down with mine (or his precipitated mine, or something). Despite their tragic ends, I think both relationships were good for me and I hope both were signs of a continuing trend toward someday having a strong healthy relationship or toward feeling free to not have one at all and still be happy.

Driving: I don’t think I’ve talked about it a lot here, but I used to love driving. Every instance of getting into the car, even to go to the store for milk was an act of freedom, was the possibility that I could just keep driving and go where ever I wanted in the world. I loved the control of it, the power and that raw, open sense of possibility. In the past two years I’ve had one car totaled while I was in it, been pulled out of another at gunpoint and forced to the ground, and stopped 18″ shy of dying in a really horrific accident that happened around me like a tornado but somehow left me unscathed. Even taking an easy, low traffic surface street route to work was becoming cause for increasing panic attacks and incredible tension in my body. I often wanted to cry when I got into and out of the car. Recently I’ve noticed that my confidence is coming back while I drive and I feel much more comfortable and relaxed doing it. I can even feel the sense of freedom and possibility starting to tickle at the back of my brain, like it’s getting ready to come back too.

Moving: I think this is going to be huge for me. It has sort of happened rather more quickly than I had planned, but so far it seems int he realm of doable. Yes, getting my own space to heal and be in is good. On the one had living with Hawthorn post break up hasn’t been a party but it hasn’t been as toxic as it could have been. However, I HATED our house. Of all the ones we looked at I wanted it the least. Hawthorn chose it for the porch, the location and the architectural details. I hated everything about it. Nothing was functional, it was clearly remodeled for looks when it was flipped and not at all for functionality. The landlord is a lazy jerk and repeated dealing with water POURING in from the ceiling, from light sockets, from door jambs and window sills has been severely anxiety inducing all on it’s own. The interior colors actually make me angry in some rooms, the space just doesn’t feel psychically clean, either. I was talking to a coworker (who as far as I know knows nothing about the Hawthorn situation) about moving to my new place today and how it seemed good even though I just moved six months ago. And my coworker commented that she was so glad I was moving because she felt like I hadn’t been well since I moved into that house. And it’s true, my allergies have been awful (as have Hawthorn’s), I can’t sleep for the noise the neighbors make, I fret about the ceiling falling on me, and besides the dust, age and other problems, I’m fairly sure the inside of the walls and airducts are crawling with mold. So here’s hoping that the new place is just healthier all around. It has a new roof–so no leaks, it has a brand new HVAC system and new ducts–no mold or dust, no past or future pets in the house at all to aggravate my already delicate allergies. The only health concern really is that the new landlord has a pest service come once a month and I don’t know what kind of chemicals they use. However since the trade off is no mice, no poisonous spiders and no roaches, I’m very willing to take it as a risk.

Body health: So far I am failing in this category. I’m giving myself a pass because there has been so much stuff going on (all my recovery efforts plus the unplanned break up and moving additions) that it’s been hard to add even more to it. I have been walking more and doing a little yoga. My future plans include much, much more exercise: walking, swimming and yoga and maybe hula-hooping? I really need to make a physical therapy appointment and get going on that. Just, you know, time and planning &c. I am probably going to wait on the PT until moving is done. I will get going on the exercise thing definitely (the community center and neighborhood gym is three block from my new place, no excuses). I will try not to beat myself up on this and rather congratulate myself as I get going with it. I know it will help so much to have less pain in my body. I know it will help my mental health so much just to get the exercise. I know it will help my outlook to look and feel better. I could only just get so many duck in a row at once and I’m still herding these little wild running exercise and body health ducks.

I think once the chaos of moving dies down I am going to start working devoting a (certainly boring) paragraph of each of these entries to details sleep, exercise, panic attacks and the like, just so I’m keep better track of it and little more accountable for it. Seems sensible, yeah?

Astrology: While I give only limited value to astrology, and at that only as a descriptor not as a predictor, Free Will Astrology has always done wonders for me. Even if it is just words that tell me how to frame my current thinking, it’s helpful. This week for me we have: Taurus Horoscope for week of February 3, 2011 — I’ve found that even when people are successful in dealing with a long-term, intractable problem, they rarely zap it out of existence in one epic swoop. Generally they chip away at it, dismantling it little by little; they gradually break its hold with incremental bursts of unspectacular heroism. Judging from the astrological omens, though, I’d say that you Tauruses are ripe for a large surge of dismantling. An obstacle you’ve been hammering away at for months or even years may be primed to crumble dramatically. Yeah, I’m definitely feeling this! Thanks, Rob Brezsny! I will also continue to consult my father, who is an astrologer, about things like this Saturn transit of my Fourth House, as I’ve said, I feel like it gives me a framework to work in and understand things and I’m glad to have that.

Now I have to wonder if it’s any coincidence that I’ve been mostly fine (physically and sometimes mentally) in the evenings and gross, ill and sludgey in the mornings when I take the SSRIs right before bed (since taking them in the morning made me sick all day). 3 more days and then another week for subsequent side effects to wear off. Ugh. Seriously though, I was fine last evening. Cheerful even. And then I slept really poorly last night (mostly from stomach upset and weird dreams). And now I feel wobbly and headachey and just YUCK. And I have a very long day ahead of me. Alas.

I spent some time talking to my friend, Aloe, last night too. She and I have had a rough go of it for a while and I’m not even sure we’re solid enough to be called friends. But she is good to talk to about anxiety &c. and she’s strangely easy for me to open up too. She made some good suggestions and was generally supportive. Also I saw the friend that I sent yesterday’s ‘mean’ email too and they were utterly relaxed and understanding about it. So there’s you go, tell someone who cares about you what you need and they will deliver. Unheard of!

Oak did his nightly text check in to make sure I haven’t jumped off a bridge or run off with a Saudi prince (I don’t know that that’s why he’s checking in, I just assume). I was so charmed by part of the exchange with him that I immediately after it happened thought of sharing it here. And then I second guessed and started worrying that this space is for talking about me and I shouldn’t just be recounting text exchanges with my ex-boyfriend. But then again he’s a huge piece of how I ended up here and has been really supportive of my recovery, despite me having left him for another man. So after fair bit of mental back and forth I decided that maybe Oak is what I should be talking about in therapy this coming Monday. That said, I want to record the conversation for myself:

Oak: Are you doing alright?Me: I’m actually feeling almost good tonight. Filling on a short shift at [my restaurant].Oak: If a handsome man comes in and tells you he’s moving to Ireland someday, be nice to him. (this is essentially how we met, although I was aware of him long before that)Me: I think that was a once in a lifetime lucky chance on my part.Oak: You may be right, but maybe someone who wants to move to Ohio or New Jersey.Me: I don’t think so.Oak: Good call.Me: I’m thinking small apartment, space and time to myself. Plus I’ve heard a rumor that there’s a handsome man moving to town who might occasionally meet for a friendly beer if I get too lonely.Oak: That sounds like a good plan for 2011.

The entire thing set me to thinking, not unhappily about how we met and how I can remember so many details of our pre-relationship interactions. This is significant because I have fairly spotty memory for such things usually and rely mostly on my friends and family to keep track of the the more exacting parts of the history of our relationships. But with Oak I can remember it all clearly and play it back. Secondly, in this exchange, even though it’s text, I can see exactly what he’s doing and how he looks as he makes each comment. His wry half smile when he thinks he’s clever, how he runs his hand over his head, &c. I have said here before that my intention isn’t to get back together with him, nor does that even seem like something sane or rational to entertain at this point. But I think about the history of it a lot and I think maybe I need to write it down. Not necessarily here, but map out everything I remember so I can save it and maybe use it later, fictionally. Or not. Maybe it just stays somewhere, marked down, so I don’t ever forget what a subtle, yet beautifully charming romance it was as we got together.

I feel like therapy is going to be a long, hard row to hoe. I am, in my every day life, trying to take the above advice and dwell less on, “What is wrong with me?” and focus more on where I am going and what I am going to do and who I am going to be. But I find I am getting a little apprehensive of about therapy as it isn’t necessarily focused on asking what’s wrong but it may end up much more directed toward the past. And I understand that with Saturn 4th House transit and all that I need to work through that as part of my move forward, and, theoretically, once it’s dealt with, it’s done and I do move forward. But, yow, is it just me, or does that seem like a lot of teary, yucky work? I’m up for it, I guess, but today I feel kind of exhausted just thinking about it.

I have a long, long workday ahead of me. And then some much needed, hopefully achieved rest and then a weekend out of doors with Violet and yoga with Moonflower. I feel better just thinking about getting through today to the good parts.

I feel wobbly, nauseous and gross this morning. I’m 90% sure it’s the Skelaxin, so no muscle relaxants for me. Sad. Will call my doctor today and update her. Was an hour late for work because I feel like I only slept for about 3 hours and was too wobbly to drive earlier. Yuck.

So for a long time I’ve been struggling with this idea that I need someone to take care of me. The very concept is anti-feminist, anti-my generation, anti-my own identity. Of the endless loops in my head, “I wish someone would take care of me” is among the top three. And maybe it isn’t so hard to accept if I can really pin down what being taken care of means to me. This morning it would mean driving me to work, picking me up later and possibly holding my hair back while I barf. Most days it would be about supporting me in my crazy endeavors, about showing an interest in what I’m creating, about cooking for me, making sure I eat and just sort of paying enough attention to know when I need extra care and affection even if I’m not asking for it. Maybe that’s a tall order, but it doesn’t seem like it should be.

From an email from my mom yesterday:

When you told me about [breaking up with Oak], you cited how he wasn’t psychically supporting you in what you’d been going through. And you said that what [Hawthorn] was doing was offering you comfort and support…which I don’t think anyone has done a good job of offering and carrying through for you. That’s likely a consequence of looking more together than anyone else around.

I have so much to say about this, I don’t even know where to start. I guess it’s what bothers me about Hawthorn’s change of heart. I really had hoped I’d found someone to support and care for me. And I feel really betrayed that that’s been ripped away from me.

Honestly I doubt it would have worked out between Hawthorn and I no matter what. And weirdly I don’t really care why. I mean I could make a list of reasons but I don’t care too. This is weird because ever since I broke with Oak I’ve been telling myself stories over and over and over and over all the ways it would eventually have gone wrong between us anyway. How it never would have have worked. Every possible scenario that would have somehow broken down our relationship. Every excuse possible to make it okay to have ended it.

And it is true that I didn’t feel like Oak was emotionally supporting me, it’s also true that I never asked him. I always presented a front to him of being together, in control and in charge. I never said I was scared and needed comfort, I never asked him for help of any kind. I told him it was okay to go when I wanted to ask him to stay. I told him I was fine when I wasn’t and then I got hurt when he didn’t notice how much I needed him.

Perhaps all of this goes back to not being able to get my words out when I need to. Maybe part of it isn’t valuing myself enough to think I deserve help? I don’t know, I don’t even really think so. I think maybe it’s more about being afraid of what people will think of me. And I am no where near being able to start with what my problem is there.

The increasing anxiety and bizarreness of the past year has often left me wishing to be rescued rather than simply taken care of. And maybe Hawthorn rescued me and is releasing me now. But I do know for sure that I need to be taken care of. And I know that can mean whatever I want it to. And I am going to learn how to ask for it because anything else is far too lonely to contemplate.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): I find many of you Tauruses to be excessively self-effacing. It’s a trait that can be both endearing and maddening. Even as my heart melts in the presence of Bulls who are underestimating their own beauty, I may also feel like grabbing them by the shoulders and shaking some confidence into them, barraging them with frustrated exhortations like “Believe in yourself as much as I believe in you, for God’s sake!” But I’m guessing I won’t be tempted to do that anytime soon. You appear to be due for a big influx of self-esteem.

I am absolving myself of all decision making this week. I have had my mom and a couple friends already (unintentionally) pressuring me about moving right away. And wow, I can not face moving right now. Honestly I have two full, completely private, completely mine, rooms in my house with Hawthorn. Yes the situation sucks, but it’s not like we’re stuck in a one bedroom apartment or anything. Thus far he is going WAY out of his way to compensate for his shitty shortcomings. Obviously I could change my mind any minute on this, but currently I feel safer and less stressed about the idea of staying than I do about moving.

I talked to Oak last night about the situation for a while. He voiced his frustration that he feels that Hawthorn actively and aggressively pursued me and pressured and promised me the moon to move in with him. And now is rather blasé about saying oh, I don’t want to be in a relationship. Oak felt it would be one thing if I had been the pursuer rather than the pursued, but that currently Hawthorn’s actions are incredibly selfish and disingenuous given how much other people’s (mine, Oak’s) lives have been affected by the course Hawthorn chose. And right now, I think this is what upsets me the most about the situation; he’s being selfish at a time when things should be all about me! (Ha, I know, right?)

I am trying hard to own my choices and the decisions I made. I generally can acknowledge and be responsible for my own mistakes. But I don’t know if I can say it was a mistake to choose Hawthorn and move in with him. At least not given the information I had at the time. I was simply trying to find a safe easy place to fit into the world. I assume the universe is telling me that that wasn’t the place I was supposed to be and now I have to find the place I am supposed to be.

I also dislike the idea of hurriedly packing up and moving into the first vaguely adequate place I can find. I want to find some place that I want to be, that I’m comfortable in, that doesn’t feel like a place to just park my stuff. But again not making any decisions right now. I have support, friends and places to go if I need too. I just don’t think I need to go just quite yet.

Where do I find one of these?

On the drug front, the Lexapro so far is WAY better than the Zoloft. Side effects so far seem to be occasional lightheadedness and mild somnolence (which isn’t necessarily bad for someone with insomnia). And maybe it’s starting to make me feel better? Maybe it’s too early to tell and just the lack of side effects and the hope that it will help is what I’m feeling. Panic attacks and sense of hysterical fear are WAY down, but that could easily be the judicious application Klonopin at the first sign of such. Still, given everything, I some sense that I’m starting to feel a little more steady, more functional and a little less on autopilot.

Last night I told Oak that it some ways, not excusing my choices or my responsibility for where I am, still it seemed almost like I’ve been living someone else’s life for the last twelve months. Like somewhere around Feb 2010 things just got way off track and I didn’t even notice until I was so far from ‘home’ that I couldn’t find my way back. I have in the last few months been having the unsettling sensation that I’m losing pieces of myself, like I’ve just become a shell that needs to be filled back up. Or perhaps it’s more that parts of me that I identified as my sense of self are somehow getting walled up in the the past and I haven’t moved far enough forward to clarify for myself the sense of my new evolved identity. I believe this is in line with Saturn transiting my 4th house. I was thinking this morning about how this particular transit is about self identity and security and if you don’t heed the need for growth here that the universe will kick your ass. I think the universe just kicked my ass.

Have a therapy appointment this afternoon. Will probably scrap what I’d intended to talk about about and focus on how sound she thinks my decision making is right now and what I need to do to have the space and emotional tools I need to plan my life. Since the all the future plans I’ve made in the last two years are now entirely off the table. And yes, I can go anywhere, do anything, but what, exactly is that?