She took me to her elfin grot,And there she wept, and sigh'd fill sore, 30And there I shut her wild wild eyesWith kisses four.

It's a poetic word for grotto.

That's truly horrifying, but it's not surprising considering the author's great inspiration is a certain Martin Amis. He mentions Kingsley too - natch - but besides the rape of Keats he also seems to have been inspired by Matthew Arnold and Margaret Attwood. Wut. Link

Here is the full scene, in all of its horror:

"We got up from the chair and she led me to her elfin grot, getting amongst the pillows and cool sheets. We trawled each other's bodies for every inch of history. I dug after what I had always imagined and came up with even more. She stroked my outlines in perfect synchrony until I was febrile in her hands, willingly guided elsewhere."

I think this bloke was quoted twice in the list but he still has a lot of work to do before he reaches the heights of true masters, like those great contemporaries and brothers-in-arms Bret Easton Ellis and Wilbur Smith.

This one is from a really crappy novel by Ethan Hawke (yes, THAT Ethan Hawke). I read it several years ago and that one line popped out as especially bad.

I find myself unsurprised. He's a terrible author (and he's got a much higher opinion of his acting than he should). I had a girlfriend in highschool who had to get The Hottest State when it came out. "You should read this", she said. It was awful. What makes it worse is that he turned it into a film a decade later, directing and starring in it. I think fewer people saw it than read the novel.

I'm going to stop using the term "vanity project" and just call them "Ethan Hawke projects".

Despair of the Cheese:and thisI had to work through spells of severe hand cramp, what with the non-user-friendly positioning

You've never dealt with this? Where your hand is in her panties but she doesn't want to bother taking her pants off yet, so you're flicking her bean while arching your hand against her panties to make wiggle room? The wrist and palm strain from fighting the elastic band will wear you out after a while.

Also, the best sex line of all time has to be "I'm gonna fill your hoo-hah with goof juice."