Don’t be afraid to say “no.” If you can say “no” to your lover, you’ll be able to give him or her a much more enthusiastic “yes” when you’re up for it next time.

About Foreplay

He says:

Good foreplay is based on sensitivity. You need to be sensitive to your lover’s needs, to what will turn them on, to what they want from your lovemaking. And this won’t be the same each time you make love. But unless you’re both burning with sexual desire, and happy to have a “quickie”, it’s almost certain there’ll be a difference in how quickly you both get turned on and ready for intercourse.

We know that, on average, it takes between ten and twenty times as long for a woman to become aroused as it does for a man.

This means that for the first twenty minutes or so of lovemaking, a man may be erect and ready to enter his partner, while she’ll most likely just be warming up.

She says:

Women like to be wooed. Find out what your partner responds to: more time together, emotional closeness, or flirtatiousness, gifts, practical help or a bit of passionate disagreeing. Same for your man. OK, he might respond much quicker to your advances than you as a woman might to his, but feel free to seduce him anyway, even if he doesn’t need to be. There’s a good chance you’ll both have a great time if you try!

I think part of why it takes women so long to get going is that we tend to always be multi-tasking.

So while we’re juggling the washing and tomorrow’s demands in our heads, it’s easy for us to leave our bodies behind and not notice that we’re feeling quite sexy.

Women need some time to switch off all that noise in their heads! Of course you could help a bit by doing that boring task she’s got in mind for herself tomorrow morning!

Additionally, it’s really important that both of you can say no to the other’s advances without fearing that there will be bad feelings or a week of silence and moodiness. Sex only works well if you don’t feel pressurized into it, whether that’s by your lover or yourself.

Sidebar: Video from Laci Green – Sex Positive Activist

Be careful, as always, to ensure you don’t pass any sexually transmitted infections between you as you play. This includes yeast infections, which although not regarded as a hazard to your sexual health, can be passed back and forth between sexual partners.

He says:

We also know that a woman’s vagina can be moist and apparently well-lubricated long before she’s psychologically ready for her man to enter her. The way to deal with this discrepancy is to have good foreplay. (Check out the merits of coconut oil as a sexual lube here.)

What good foreplay means to you may be very different to what it means to other couples, and indeed to you each time you make love. Even so, good foreplay always involves sensitivity, kissing, touching, and establishing a close rapport with your partner.

She says:

Be curious about how many different ways the two of you can find to get going. Even if one approach works some of the time, it may well get really boring really quickly if that’s all you do!

And men, remember women are fairly visual too, so look after your body, all of it, not just your favorite bit, because there’s a good chance that looking at your body will turn her on.

Looking after your body is important for self respect and the respect of your partner…

He says:

Men are just as sensitive to touch on their skin as women are, but a couple’s foreplay will very often center on the man touching the woman.

If this is how it usually works for you, it’s important to remember that most women resent a man heading straight for their breasts or vulva.

It’s only through gentle touch on her non-sexual areas that a woman will become aware of her desire to be touched sexually.

If you’re kissing, remember that most women see kissing as an extremely romantic act. But kissing doesn’t have to be limited to the mouth. There’s great fun to be had in finding out which areas of your partner’s body are most sensitive to your lips and tongue.

Kissing needs to be an overall sensory experience for women

For example, try kissing your lover’s stomach, back, shoulders or feet. You can gradually work round to kissing each other on or near the penis, testicles and vulva – but in the latter case only when she’s sexually aroused.

Video – How to improve foreplay

She says:

I can understand if men get fed up with doing all the active bits in foreplay all the time. Don’t be afraid to ask your partner to touch you, and she’ll probably offer you what turns her on: a slow, sensuous, full-body massage.

Take your time to enjoy it. This could also be a great way for men to lose their performance anxiety and other pressures around sex.

He says:

Kissing a woman’s breasts is likely to be very arousing for her – many women say it feels as if there’s a direct connection between their nipples and their genitals!

Once again, however, sensitivity and gentleness are appropriate in the early stages of your lovemaking. You can use a firmer pressure and touch as you both become more aroused.

Side bar – information for men who want to bring a woman to orgasmcan be found here.

And it’s always important to remember that a woman will probably want the warm embrace of her lover’s mouth on her clitoris only when she’s getting quite aroused: in the early stages of sex, a direct touch on her clitoris can be too intense to be pleasurable.

As a man, your focus should initially be on gentle caresses of your partner’s labia, thighs, stomach, and pubic mound, but always adapted to what you know she enjoys the most.

She says:

I think one can’t repeat that enough: women need to be touched all over first. Don’t go for the sexual parts of her body first, there’s a good chance that she’ll just get turned off by it.

Foreplay begins long before you get in the bedroom….

Sexual parts also include breasts. Take your time before you touch them. Many women feel quite vulnerable when it comes to their breasts (too big, too small, too floppy), so give your lover some time to settle into the sense of arousal in her body first.

He says:

Good communication is essential for good sex. Unfortunately, many couples find it difficult to express their wishes desires during sex. Yet, in this most intimate of acts, expressing what you like and don’t like is vital to achieving sexual pleasure.

A good way to communicate is to gently guide your partner by giving them positive feedback when they’re doing something you enjoy.

For example, if you’re a woman enjoying oral sex from your man, but he’s not touching you where you’d really like to be touched, you can say something like, “That feels good, but I like it even more when you kiss around my vagina. And it feels even better when you keep moving your tongue all over rather than just focusing on my clit.” In short, men, if you want to make her orgasm, be gentle, thoughtful and considerate.

Above all, try to avoid saying anything that sounds critical to your partner – he or she’ll be working hard to please you, and even if they’re not doing it the way you want, the only way they’ll know how you like it is if you tell them.

Of course, if you prefer, you can communicate this without saying anything simply by moving your body.

For example, if you’re a woman enjoying the sensations as your lover gives you oral sex or masturbates you, and you don’t want to speak, try pressing your vulva more closely against his mouth or fingers, or giving a moan of enthusiasm and pleasure – all these things will tell him what he needs to know.

She says:

Ditto! Communication is everything. Quite often women need to be much clearer about what they want, as their sexual responses are more complicated and unpredictable than men’s.

Women: there is a good chance that your lover is really wanting to please you, but simply doesn’t know how, because he can’t read your mind. Don’t leave him in the dark!

He says:

Men enjoy sexual play that focuses on their penis, whereas women are more body-centered. It’s therefore natural for a man to assume that his partner will appreciate attention to her vulva and clitoris, and while this may well be true, she’ll also appreciate his attention to her breasts, thighs, buttocks, stomach, neck and especially the area around her anus and vulva, which can be exquisitely sensitive to sexual stimulation.

Since bacteria from the anus can be easily introduced into the vagina, if you do enjoy anal play, it’s wise to ensure that you use different toys or fingers for anal and vaginal contact, whether or not this involves penetration.

She says:

I really agree. Go with a variety of touch from stroking all of her body, to a firm, full-on body squeeze, to licking, kissing, eye contact and verbal communication. However, just as Rod says, be careful around bacteria and anal play.

Most women will be very protective around their body entrances and it’ll certainly be on her mind where your hand or finger has just been, even if it’s not on your mind.

I’d rather suggest being a bit over-cautious here, rather than just assuming it’s OK. Make sure she knows that you are mindful of this, otherwise this could be the end of your sexual encounter.