Gham-e-Agahi (Grief of Awareness)

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Life bursts forth from a seed due to desire. Desire
completes this vast universe. It causes infinitesimal atoms take varied shapes in
the wish of to be something. Life without desire is like leaves in the autumn, directionless
and thus having no destiny.

Sun has the desire to shine, moon wants to play hide and
seek. The clouds aspire for rain; the earth yearns to quench its thirst. The
flowers want to smile and the nightingale loves to sing. This world functions
because of desire.

The same desire aides the artist to articulate the subtle
ideas into invaluable form. Everything wishes completion and everything has its
course to accomplish it. This desire serves as a ground on which every battle
can be fought and facilitates to crush the impediments.

Love…the ultimate miracle and Reality which can transform
the sand into mountains, the power which can melt the glaciers. It can bring
together first and the last. In love, beginnings and ends fuse, love brings
everything to the threshold of the origin. Every distinction disappears and just
one voice remains.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Qandeel was sitting in the departure lounge of airport. The
situation caused abject misery to her. She looked beyond the glass windows of
the lounge and felt the same desolate silence out there. The dawn lit the
lounge fairly after a while yet it could not lift up her mood. The light didn’t
matter to her anymore.

“Mein rahun ager na rahun ager, jo hai sach mera w sahun
ager,

Karun na khata aur mily saza, ho koi sitam samjhun ata,

Had-e-bekhudi se ashnayi ki der hai,

Musafir hum bhi rah-e-shauq k ban jayengey”

The words haunted her which she wrote in her diary once.
Qandeel could never imagine at that time that these words would come to define
her world succinctly.

“Gham-e-Agahi se ashnayi ki der hai,

Musafir hum bhi rah-e-shauq k ban jayen…”

Knowledge is painful and ignorance is bliss, she concluded
sitting there on the bench. She will leave her city shortly and did not know
where else she was destined to go. Qandeel bowed her head and looked at the
lines on her hands to decipher the next move of her destiny. She had the urge
to know what else she would be asked to do next. What else she will have to
lose besides Baba. After leaving Ilaaf Lashari, leaving her native city; what
else she will be asked to leave? She knew she didn’t have any answers.

“Your journey line is rather long, Qandeel. You will get to
travel a lot.” Her class fellow had commented looking at her right palm more
than a year ago. Surprise and amusement came simultaneously at this revelation.

“Yeah right, I will travel a lot; from my home to
university and back home. No tourist has ever traveled this much.” Qandeel had
commented sarcastically and started laughing again.

The memory made her want to weep.

Her journey was commencing from here. She was already sore
and enervated. Imran had confirmed her seat for Lahore. Qandeel will be flying
in the morning which was taking eons to rise. She sat on the bench like a
statue. She wanted to sleep but more than that she longed for the caring arms
which would hold her while she slept. Her eyes drooped for umpteenth time. For
past several days, sleep made her more tired and restless than peaceful.

“Ammi.” She whispered softly. Amazing how she had never
known her mother and yet she called her. As if the long suppressed desire to
lose herself in her mother reared its head in her unconscious.

Just then somebody
touched Qandeel on her shoulder gently. She looked up, her neck stiff and stood
up slowly.

“We were afraid we wouldn’t be able to catch you but thank
God you are still here. I would have regretted otherwise, for not seeing you
off.” Hamza Shahid was kind as always. Qandeel didn’t care less. “Kamran came
to me in time otherwise you didn’t even think about informing us about your
decision.” He was sorrowful.

“I apologize.” Qandeel offered mechanically.

“I should be apologizing to you Qandeel. I had no idea
Aliya would be so rude or I would have forewarned her. I am so sorry Qandeel
you had to spend the night at airport.” Kamran Ali was guilty.

“It’s OK. It’s not Aliya’s fault. I have no grudges,
whatsoever.” She felt her brain was throwing these words out for her otherwise
she was dormant.

“When is your flight?” Hamza Shahid asked.

“At seven a.m.”

“I brought your hand carry. You forgot it at my home.”
Kamran Ali handed her the suitcase which she took without comment.

Finally both men realized her abnormal behavior.

“I wanted to talk to you about several things but it’s time
for your flight and you haven’t had proper sleep so I will leave this matter
for another time.” Hamza Shahid said surveying her tell tale red rimmed eyes.

“Try to take rest in the plane. I have asked Sohail to
inform me when you reach Islamabad. Just take proper rest there and try to look
at things with new aspect.” Kamran Ali advised Qandeel to which she merely
nodded.

“You are my daughter Qandeel and I vow I will never let you
feel you are alone. I will be visiting you now and then.” Hamza Shahid patted
her head gently.

Qandeel heard her flight announcement. She steadied the
handbag on her shoulder and started towards the doors, dragging the hand carry.
She wanted to turn and say final goodbye to them.

“Let’s go to
hospital. Ilaaf must be conscious now.” Kamran Ali’s words stopped her in her
tracks but she could not turn.

“No, I don’t want to face Qaiser Lashari. Usman will
contact me as soon as Ilaaf comes into consciousness. Then we can visit him.”
All doors were sealed behind Qandeel. She wanted to say bye to them but didn’t
have the heart to face them now.

“His condition was worse at night. I was aghast.”

“May Allah bless him.” This exchange propelled Qandeel to a
distance from which no retreat was possible. She could listen anything but his
name. She didn’t care less if he lived or died. She didn’t want to stay at a
place where his name was uttered even if unconsciously done. She wanted to move
ahead.

Qandeel passively went through the procedure, unaware of
her movements and only acting on commands. She reached inside the plane and
slumped into her seat. Somebody asked her to tie the seat belt and she did.
After that everything went into motion at once. Her body jerked with the motion
of the plane and then she was dead asleep. After a moment she felt her shoulder
being shaken. She woke up with a start. A woman was standing beside her.

“We are going to land in Islamabad soon.” The woman
informed her kindly. Qandeel sat up and rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. “I
think you were too tired. Air hostess came thrice to serve you but you were
sleeping. Please have these biscuits you must be hungry.” Qandeel thanked her
and took two biscuits from her. She drank some water and checked time on her
cell phone. It was 10 a.m.! She was surprised that she slept for so long when
in fact she felt the time passed in a wink. Her plane landed at last. She stood
up to collect her bags. She was so weary that this act in itself was an ordeal
for her. Qandeel dragged herself with all of her strength to the lounge where
Sohail was waiting for her. Qandeel came into automatic mode again. She greeted
him out of habit. He took her bags, held her hand and walked out of the
airport. She lumbered after him silently. Sohail attempted at small talk on
their way to home which earned monosyllabic responses. Fatigue was spreading to
every pore and her head was getting heavier.

As the car stopped in the porch, Qandeel came out of it and
stood there unable to move forward. She took long breaths to steady her nerves.

“Go on, Qandeel! Ammi is waiting for you inside.” Sohail
had her luggage in his hands. He beckoned her forward.

Shamma Khala had come out to greet her. Qandeel could see
so much love in her eyes from the distance. She wanted to run into her inviting
arms but was too tired to even take a step. Shamma Khala fulfilled her wish and
came to her hurriedly. Qandeel fell into her arms.

“My child, my love! I am sorry I could not come to you
earlier. I couldn’t do anything for you.” Shamma Khala started crying. Qandeel
didn’t cry. She said just one thing when Khala took her face in her hands.

“I want to sleep.” Qandeel closed her eyes. Someone held
her by shoulders.

“Take her in her room, Sohail.”

Qandeel opened her eyes. She saw Khala sitting beside her
so she closed her eyes again. She fell into a peaceful sleep finally.

Qandeel developed a pattern there. She would contest
between waking up and sleeping, she would eat and wash herself because Khala
asked her to then she would go back to sleep holding Khala’s hand. She totally
lost the sense of time and space after arriving here. It could not be decided
if she wanted to sleep away her tiredness or her tiredness wanted to sleep her
away. In either case she only slept and discarded everything else.

Saba and Bisma bhabhi in her room along with khala one
night when she woke up. Khala gave her spoonfuls of chicken corn soup. She couldn’t
take much. After eating she repeated her same request; “I want to sleep.”

“You can sleep my dear. You look a lot better than when you
arrived. Doctor checked you and he declared you fit.” Khala combed her hair
with her fingers gently.

Qandeel smiled weakly and hit the pillow instantly.

“Hamza Shahid called. Sohail told him that you are
sleeping. Do talk to him when you wake up. That will make him feel much
better.” Qandeel nodded without understanding a single word and fell asleep.

Her peaceful sleep was intruded by the fierce flames of a
fire in a river. The flames were touching the heaven and illuminated whole
area. It simmered Qandeel. She was thirsty but water was nowhere in the sight.
She was looking around for it when she noticed somebody standing among the
blazing flames on the other side of the river. She squinted to see clearly that
crazy person.

“Ilaaf!” She screamed hysterically. They could see each
other despite of the soaring flames.

“Qandeel come to me. I need you.” Qandeel stepped forward
but a spark scared her away. Her eyes watered due to soot.

“I can’t come. I cannot cross this fire.” Qandeel started
crying.

“Then I am coming to you.” Came his solemn response.

“No, please don’t. For God’s sake, don’t do it. It will
kill you.” She begged him, tears streaming down her face.

She saw that he was resolute she kept on screaming to him
but to no avail.

“I must come to you. You are my destiny.” He raised his
arms above his head and dived in the fire.

Qandeel choked on her scream. She fell on her knees and
wept helplessly.

Fire
never forgives anybody. It was born to burn. It would not let on even if its
Qandeel’s Ilaaf. She was powerless. The fire finished everything in one single
sweep; her desire, her aspirations, her love and her Ilaaf, everything burned
in those flames and she could just watch.(Special thanks to Noor-e-Hira Shamim for translating this post)

Monday, April 21, 2014

Adnan finally decided to leave when Ilaaf didn’t return,
from wherever he had gone. He waited for him for hours in his lounge. He was
taken aback when he saw the condition of the room and from what Fazal told him,
he guessed that Ilaaf would return by the morning. He did not know where Ilaaf
was or he would have gone after him.

All the servants were set to clean the room, diligently.
Adnan lit a cigarette and called Fazal to him. Fazal’s face was covered with
bruises, it was blue with the beating he got from Ilaaf. Adnan pitied him.

“Sayin, I beg you please don’t go home but find him. He was
beside himself when he left the home and it’s worrying me. He may hurt
himself.”

Adnan eyed him closely and wondered if he was really
worried or pretending to be. Ilaaf really beat him to the pulp and this man was
asking him to go and look for him, what he even meant!

“How can I tell where is he, Fazal? I cannot go and look
for him on every street. He may be very angry but he will come back in his
time. Don’t worry. And go to some doctor ASAP. You will need to take medicine
for these.” He pointed to his face. Adnan usually was indifferent to the
servants yet he couldn’t help being concerned for him. Fazal really looked in
poor condition.

“No sayien, I know Ilaaf sayien. He has never before raised
a hand on his servant. He was furious when he went out of home. Please, for
God’s sake sayien, look for him, he may hurt himself and I cannot bear it. I
talked to Qaiser sayien and he thought that this is temporary emotional
breakdown and he’ll recover, but I don’t believe it sayien, he was not in his
senses when he went out. Please you must go and find him wherever he is.” Poor
man was choking on the tears.

“You tell me, where should I look for him? This city is so
big and he could be anywhere.” Adnan was resigned.

“Sayien, go to Qandeel bibi’s house. I am sure he went
there.” Adnan’s jaw dropped open. How could he not come to the same conclusion.
Why on earth did he rule out this possibility. Of course Ilaaf would go to
Qandeel, first thing when he wakes up, to justify his position. He had
admiration for the man in his eyes, how easily he solved the predicament. “He
loves Qandeel bibi so much, I am sure you will find him there.” It angered
Adnan when Fazal took Qandeel’s name with such reverence but he let it pass.

“Alright, I will go there but it will be very difficult to
find him if he is not at her house.” Fazal nodded and went back to other
servants and got busy with them in putting the room in respectable
condition.

Adnan looked over the lounge once more. It was the same
place which Ilaaf decorated with so much care. Each piece was his selection;
showpiece, artificial plants, curtains, sofas, central and side tables, and
different decoration items. A day ago, this same place represented the splendid
taste of an artist and now it looked like a tornado passed through it. Ilaaf
didn’t leave a single glass piece in this room. Adnan didn’t have the chance to
ask Fazal how did Ilaaf manage to do this since it was not possible to wreak
such level of destruction, unarmed. He looked around and found the ‘arm’. Near
the beautiful entrance door, one of the slim iron rods, fixed for decoration,
was removed. The paint and cement from the wall had come out too, with the rod.

Adnan stared at it in disbelief for considerable time and
then called one of the nearby servants.

“What happened to it?” He pointed to a place where the rod
was missing.

“Sayien took out this rod and broke all of the glasses with
the help of it.” Adnan nodded, non-committal and headed out. Now he was very
worried. He couldn’t even dream that Ilaaf would react so violently when
stopped from going to hearing.

Those rods were firmly cemented in the wall. The animal
power was required to take it out of the wall; it defined Ilaaf’s state-of-mind
perfectly.

Adnan was clearly disturbed now. His lips were pursed and
his forehead creased. He was barely on the road when his cell phone rang.
Qaiser Lashari was calling. Hope flickered in Adnan but what he heard on phone
was enough to blow his mind.

“Dr. Khalid was not aware that Ilaaf had a row with us when
he went out. Ilaaf came to him to treat his injury. He was in foul mood when he
left the clinic and Dr. thought it necessary to call me.” Adnan vowed with
himself to find him at once now.

“Uncle I am on my way to find him. Fazal guessed he could
be at Qandeel’s house and I am going there. Will report to you if I don’t find
him there.”

“I am leaving for Karachi
at once. Keep in contact.” Qaiser Lashari instructed him and ended the call.

Adnan increased the speed of the car. Ilaaf was important
to all of them, and Adnan himself could not even bear a scratch on his closest
friend.

For the first time in his entire life did Adnan Bhatti call
upon Allah, fervently. The same Adnan Bhatti who never bothered with religion,
rules and the Creator Himself was beseeching Allah in his heart, praying for
the safety of his friend. And at that moment his heart gave in to the notion of
love. He admitted that love exists in this universe or he would never be
worried sick for Ilaaf this way.

In utter helplessness, the infidel’s yearning for miracle
brings him closer to Faith. These fifteen minutes compelled Adnan to traverse
the intellectual path spreading over fifteen centuries. The only dear thing to
him was Ilaaf in this world. The man of steel nerves could never think of
losing his dearest friend. He knew he could never survive the anguish it would
cause him, mentally at least. He didn’t want to lose himself. He wanted to
live. And his existence was tied to Ilaaf’s happiness, and he could never think
of compromise that, at any rate. He
wanted to return the favor of friendship. He did everything to take Qandeel out
of his friend’s life; now he wanted to bring him back to life, which didn’t
seem so difficult at the moment. He knew his efforts and sincere friendship
would turn him into old Ilaaf. If only he could save him this time, changing
wouldn’t take time; he thought. His mind was in a jumble. He had never before
felt the need to use his thought processes to this extent or in this direction.

Adnan saw Ilaaf’s car at the corner of the street. The
driver’ side was open and the keys were in the ignition. He switched off the
ignition, pocketed the keys and locked the door. His eyes searched the place
while he walked towards Qandeel’s home. He never before went to her house
himself but when their case was going on, he had the chance to visit this
place.

Adnan was relieved that he’d finally find Ilaaf in her home
but that made him hate Qandeel more for what she was. Earlier when they were in
court, he remembered, how she scoffed at the fact that they even had something
between them and now she had him inside her home. He was disgusted at her.
Adnan was sure that Qandeel is a notorious girl. She would not let the big
fish, like Ilaaf from her hands now that he was totally besotted to her. She
could easily exploit his feelings. The ordinary girl, with no sound background
would act exactly like that. Adnan was worried about so many things. Ilaaf’s
reckless obsession for her and his future.

He was just few feet away from her home when he saw
something that ran his blood cold. Somebody was lying on face down. His body
was half on the stair leading to the house and half lying rudely on the ground.
Adnan immediately got it was none other than Ilaaf. He ran madly to him and
tried to roll him on his back. He also saw the lock on the door but he ignored
it. “Ilaaf!” Ilaaf’s eyes were open but sightless.

He gathered his lifeless body in his hands and patted his
cheeks to bring him to consciousness. Adnan noticed Ilaaf’s body was
uncharacteristically hot and his pulse was slow, almost inaudible. He knew he’s
running a fever.

“Ilaaf, wake up, take hold of yourself. Everything will be
alright, man!” Adnan pleaded. He wasn’t expecting that Ilaaf would respond but
he did. His eyes shone with some familiarity. Ilaaf was struggling to get up.
It relieved Adnan somewhat because it was impossible for him to take Ilaaf to
the car, alone. And he was in dire need of the medical treatment.

Ilaaf stood up slowly, weakly but not once did he try to
acknowledge Adnan’s presence nor did he say anything. His manner was unusual as
if he was expecting somebody else.

Adnan was silent and remained beside him. Ilaaf stooped a
little and Adnan knew he is making sure the lock is there. Adnan saw the
bandage on his forearm and wondered how he got this wound. It looked serious.

“She’s gone.” Ilaaf’s voice sounded so distant.

Ilaaf straightened up and still didn’t look at Adnan
instead his eyes had that far away look.

“She has gone.” Adnan could still see there was no
recognition, whatsoever, in Ilaaf’s eyes.

Somebody squeezed at Adnan’s heart. He had never seen Ilaaf
so out of his element, so barren.

“My Qandeel left me. The light of my eyes deserted me
forever. I am now blind to the world.” He started laughing in the middle of
weeping and continued to do so while his tears spilled over his face.

Adnan grabbed his arm and said, “Ilaaf bro, stay put.”

Ilaaf shrugged away his hold and stumbled. Adnan made to
hold him again but Ilaaf steadied himself and moved away from Adnan’s hands.

“She left me.” He was half crying, half laughing. “But I
was never worthy of her so that’s good that she did.” Adnan didn’t know how to
deal with him.

“I ruined her.” This time he staggered badly, Adnan tried
to give him a hand but Ilaaf fell down on the road.

“Ilaaf, for God’s sake wake up!” Adnan was near to tears
now. Ilaaf’s condition was unbearable for him. “I can’t see you like this. Stay
put.” Ilaaf slapped him squarely, the moment he completed his sentence. Adnan
wasn’t prepared for it and fell down due to the blow. He got up on the knees
and looked at his friend, hurt. Ilaaf was staring at him, his eyes bloodshot.

“Get lost from here. I hate you.” Ilaaf was hysterical.

“I am your best friend, Ilaaf. And you said you can’t live
without me.” Adnan’s voice dripped with hurt.

“You’re not my friend. You backstabbed me.” Adnan wouldn’t
have been more hurt if Ilaaf had shot him straight on the head. “You are the
reason Qandeel left me. I hate you, just go away from here.” Ilaaf cried harder
and Adnan too couldn’t hold back his tears, which he always scoffed at and
called it women’s business and shameful for men.

Ilaaf bend down and started crawling as he had no strength
left in him to walk.

“I ruined her. I orphaned her.” He was swaying on his feet.
Adnan saw his body lurch forward, lifelessly.

“I even made her leave her home.” He couldn’t stand up now.
Adnan reached for him but in vain. Ilaaf fell down and didn’t move. Adnan
turned Ilaaf on his back and Ilaaf did not fight him back because he was
unconscious now. Adnan tried to make him stand up but he felt very heavy. The
truth was, Ilaaf’s condition had weakened Adnan not only mentally but also
physically. He realized he would not be able to take Ilaaf hospital himself. He
was crying again. He was looking for his cell phone in jeans pockets when two
shadows came to him. They bent over Ilaaf, checking his condition. Adnan
recognized them; they were Yusuf Mairaj’s friends but he couldn’t recall their
names. He wondered why they were here.

“What happened to Ilaaf?” The elder one asked.

“He is injured and unconscious.”

“We should immediately take him to hospital, sir. Ilaaf is
in very poor condition.” The other man said after checking Ilaaf’s pulse.

The older man nodded his agreement and inquired about
Adnan’s car.

“It’s parked outside the street.” Suddenly he remembered
their names. He was feeling better now.

Together they lifted him and gently put him on the backseat
of Adnan’s car. Kamran Ali sat with Ilaaf in the back while Hamza Shahid rode
in the passenger seat, beside Adnan. Hamza Shahid requested Adnan to drive to
specific hospital. Adnan was in much control and he could take Ilaaf to the
hospital of his choice but he didn’t object to Hamza Shahid’s request. And
besides, they came to help him in his dire need. They asked a few questions
about Ilaaf. They talked as if they were acquainted with Adnan, which was
surprising for him. And then Hamza Shahid’s magnetic personality was also
taking its effect over him. He felt like he was under a spell.

They reached the hospital. Ilaaf was put on a gurney and
taken to ER because Hamza Shahid had already phoned the hospital. Adnan had the
impression that the personnel there was familiar with him. Doctors attended to
Ilaaf and they were sent out of Emergency. They took the chairs in the hallway
and waited.

Adnan was troubled by Ilaaf’s condition. And he would never
have been able to forgive himself if anything had happened to him. It took
seconds and his whole being transformed into prayer, for Ilaaf’s safety. Adnan
was never before so tired in his life.

He looked up at the sound of hurried footsteps.

“Oh Usman, thank God you’re here. Please ask these doctors
to hurry in whatever they are doing to Ilaaf.” Hamza Shahid rushed towards Dr.
Usman the moment he saw him. Dr. Usman told him to calm down and went inside
ER.

Every second was agonizing for Adnan.

The door to ER swung open and Dr. Usman came towards them.

“I’m shifting him to ICU. He’s not catching up with the
treatment.” He looked worried.

“Doctor – what is wrong with Ilaaf?” Adnan inquired, all
tense.

“He has been suffering from major depression. I will be
able to report more if I get his medical history. He’s injured and that’s
hindering us in treatment so we’re shifting him to ICU.” Dr. Usman patiently
explained to him.

“It will go away, no?” Adnan seemed to be on the edge of
breaking down.

“Relax young man, Inshallah he’ll be alright. He’s got a
major attack and it will take him days to recover from it but he will be
alright.” Dr. Usman reassured him.

Hamza Shahid & Kamran Ali stood with Adnan and tried to
comfort him. Adnan saw a stranger talking on a phone and that reminded him to
inform Qaiser uncle about Ilaaf’s condition.

He called uncle and told him about till Ilaaf’s
hospitalization. Qaiser uncle was in the city by this time and he said he’ll
visit him. Adnan gave him hospital name and held his position of a sentinel in
the corridor.

He would occasionally look inside through the thick glass
window on the ICU door and wish that Ilaaf could get up even if just to slap
him or scream at him. Adnan wanted to cry but no tears came. It felt so
desolating.

“Ilaaf, bro I want to see you walking & talking again.
I don’t care what you do to me. If you think I wronged you, I am the culprit
then fine beat me to the pulp and I would stand still, just get up, I beg you.”
Adnan watched Ilaaf and implored him in his heart.

He saw Dr. Usman coming out of the room and came towards
him.

“There’s no danger regarding Ilaaf’s condition. We only
need to keep him in strict observation. The time he takes to come in
consciousness will determine the course for the doctors.” Adnan was visibly
relieved to hear these words. “I think you should go home now. And it will be good
if you could bring me his medical history.”

“You will have it, Doctor.” Adnan complied and came out of
the hospital along with Hamza Shahid and Kamran Ali. They asked him to drop
them at Qandeel’s home to get their car. Adnan decided he’ll send one of his
men tomorrow to bring Ilaaf’s car to home.

When Adnan told Hamza Shahid that Qaiser Lashari would
visit the hospital, he instructed Adnan not to tell him about their involvement
in this matter. Though it was an unusual request yet Adnan couldn’t say no. In
fact he also wanted to inquire about Qandeel but couldn’t bring up the courage
to do so.

Fajr prayers were being called when he dropped the men at
Qandeel’s home. Adnan sped towards Ilaaf’s place; he needed to ask Fazal a few
things. He was well aware that there’s no medical history of Ilaaf because he
had never had the need to be hospitalized. Fazal confirmed this and Adnan was
heading back to the hospital because Qaiser Uncle was soon arriving there.

There was a cavity in his chest even on this bright day.

He claimed that he loved Ilaaf yet he never tried to
understand his friend’s true feelings. Ilaaf was in major depression for a
month now, and he was unaware of what his dearest friend was going through. He
was disgusted at himself. He always assumed that this infatuation is temporary
and Ilaaf will get over it soon. He never even tried to understand the depth of
the feelings of his friend.

And Qandeel – he thought – if only he knew what she truly means to him, he would have put
his goddamn personal opinions aside and wouldn’t have done what he did. He was
the sole reason of his dearest friend’s anguish, and he never bothered to think
about that. Adnan was perturbed. It was so unbearable just to reflect upon what
he had done to his friend, and Ilaaf never complained. These reflections were
getting too much for Adnan. The man who had never used his heart was
overwhelmed by this hazard, and when he couldn’t take anymore he switched on
the radio to smother the mental lashing.

A sweet song was playing on the radio waves and he let the
voice fill the car.

“Isey tum dil lagi
samjho magar hai zindagi pyarey,

Isey tum unkahi keh
lo magar hai banndagi pyarey…”

Adnan’s mind swam in these words and he didn’t try to
resist it.

“kabhi socho to ye
jano,

Muhabbat khwab lagti
hai,

Mager ye ik haqiqat
hai…”

The one thing he now believed with all his heart was that
love is not an ephemeral insignificant thing. And that, this unexplainable
powerful asset held the world intact.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Qandeel’s mind was already made up that she would go to Islamabad to her aunt but
she didn’t want to arrive there at this hour. Qandeel didn’t want to give Shama
khala the impression that she left home under an obligation. The truth was, she
left her home because of Ilaaf or else it was not possible for her to leave this city. Qandeel was born here, spent
twenty-two years here and it naturally became dear to her. There were Baba’s
friends, Kamran Ali, Hamza Shahid and Ayesha Omer. The roads here were
familiar, every street close to her heart. She could not tell yet for how long
she would stay away. Qandeel wanted to spend her life here but fate had other
plans; unbeknownst to her. She wanted to stay away even from his shadow. She
wanted to dwell somewhere where she wouldn’t hear his voice, couldn’t feel him
and certainly not think about him. And that was not possible while remaining in
the same city as his.

Qandeel needed to spend the night somewhere. She went
through her options. She could not go at Maryam’s because her family didn’t
like her or at least Qandeel felt so. If she would go to Hamza Shahid’s place
then it would mean a longer stay, which she couldn’t allow to herself under
present situation. She wanted to first arrive at Khala’s home and then inform
him of her decision. She was agitated; an unknown fear was urging her to leave
this city at once. Her heart was gloomy about the decision but she ignored it. Only
Kamran Ali could provide her dwellings for a night on a condition that he’d not
inform Maryam and Hamza Shahid until she reached Islamabad. Qandeel knew she would be able to
convince him easily, and that was the only way to her peace of mind.

Qandeel took a taxi and arrived at Kamran Ali’s home. She
was having qualms about her decision. She did not have any way to know how Aliya
would react on her sudden arrival at this hour. Aliya has always been cordial
to her but Qandeel could not foretell or trust anybody since recent turn of
events and that was cultivating suspicions in her mind. Qandeel had to act so
she ignored the voice in her head and rang the doorbell. It rang in a distance
and every passing second was wringing her nerves. Qandeel wanted Kamran Ali to
open the door. She wanted to ignore Aliya for as long as she could. It would be
even better, Qandeel prayed in her heart, if Aliya stay asleep and Qandeel
spend the night in their lounge without Aliya being aware of it and Qandeel
would leave their place as soon as the day dawns, before Aliya wakes up. But
this prayer was also rejected. How unlucky she was, there wasn’t a single
passage out of this continuous misery.

Aliya opened her door and her eyes popped open when she saw
Qandeel standing there. Qandeel said the Salam, not giving her a chance to
speak and thus avoiding the endless inquisition and offense. Aliya invited her
inside. Qandeel followed her and Aliya paused seeing the hand carry in
Qandeel’s hand. Qandeel wasn’t surprised from her reactions, in fact she was
getting used to of the stares and inquisitive eyes which she ignored quite
artfully and moved on to her purpose without giving her a chance to even open
her mouth.

“Can I meet Sir Kamran?” Qandeel continued right after the Salam.

“Yes – wh – why not.” The curiosity made her incoherent.

Kamran Ali came out to see who was on the door.

“Who was it?” His eyes fell on Qandeel right after he
asked. It was a little jolt for him also, though of a different kind, to see
Qandeel in his home at this hour. He was concerned at once.

“Qandeel, you? At this hour?” He was very worried.

Qandeel was mindful of Aliya staring at her.

“Sir… ummm…” She wasn’t sure from where to start. Then she
said abruptly, “I don’t want to live in Karachi.
I will go away in the morning and till then I can’t stay at my home.” She was
not even aware what she was saying.

“What happened? Did anybody say something, anything
happened? Did you tell Hamza Shahid?” He asked all the questions at once.

“No, I haven’t told him yet and I request you the same
please. I can’t live alone at my home so I decided to go to Islamabad, at Shamma khala’s.”

“Why the sudden decision? You were decided to live at your
home last evening.” Her answers were unsatisfactory to him.

“I can’t tell you anything now, please.”

“That’s OK. At least, sit down.” Qandeel obliged.

“I just mean to spend night here at your home. I will leave
at first light and will even wait at the airport if flight is late. Just
promise me that you will not tell Hamza Shahid anything till I am here?”

He was thoughtful for sometime before he spoke.

“Of course you can stay here as long as you want.” Kamran
Ali was about to say more when Qandeel noticed Aliya coming toward them. She
had a sick feeling in the stomach.

“Kamran you can’t let her stay here without my consent.”
Kamran Ali looked up at her. “I don’t think it’s good for us to let her spend
the night here. You should send her to Maryam’s or Hamza Shahid’s.” She
declined her request without much ado.

Both Qandeel & Kamran Ali stood up.

“What do you mean? Qandeel came to me for help and she can
stay here. Yusuf’s death doesn’t set us apart. In fact I have more duties
towards her now. Your insensitiveness can hurt her, please don’t act like this.”
He was pleading to Aliya not only with words but with his eyes also but she
weren’t heeding to any of the gestures.

“Listen to me Kamran; Qandeel is no ordinary girl.
Everybody knows her and this will create many problems for us.” Her demeanor
was degrading.

“Come inside, we’ll discuss it there.” Kamran Ali was
flabbergasted. He wasn’t expecting Aliya to be so uncooperative in this
situation.

“No I am not going anywhere. And one thing is final; she
will not stay here. It is my home and I cannot allow you to invite anybody
without my permission.”

Before she could say more, Kamran grabbed her arm and towed
her inside, out of Qandeel’s earshot. He didn’t want Qandeel to hear nasty
stuff anymore.

Qandeel suddenly felt very tired. She was surprised how
well she pocketed the insults flung at her this time that her tears managed to
remain inside her eyes and the fact that she was still standing at this place.

She did not have to eavesdrop on Aliya and Kamran Ali; she
could hear very clearly, what Aliya was saying in loud voice, obviously for
Qandeel’s benefit.

“I cannot bear this disgraced girl inside my house one
minute. And I advice you as well to not to have anything to do with her now.
Yusuf Mairaj is dead so there’s no reason for you to keep any type of
association with her.” Qandeel was reminded yet again that her only shelter was
nowhere to shield her from cruel world. She will have to bear the verbal
lashing; alone. “She disgraced her own father and she wouldn’t care less for
our esteem. Nobody is ready to take her then why should we.” Kamran Ali was
trying his best to calm her down but all in vain. “Tell her to leave the house
at once or else I will go to my mother’s place and will take Saad with me.”

Qandeel backed away a few steps.

She must leave this place at once. She did not want to be
called a contention along with vile woman.

There comes a time when travel is written all over your
fate, even when your feet are all bruised and you have courage left in you the
size of an ant. Even if all you want to do is to curl up into a ball and fade
away; move. And that’s what she did; moved.

Qandeel looked at her home key for the last time and put it
on the centre table in the lounge. She turned around and came out of the door.
She couldn’t walk straight, her eyes couldn’t see past the void, her ears
shunned all the sound. Qandeel stumbled on the stairs and her hand grabbed the
railing to gain posture. All was a blur. She did not choose to go to Phupho’s
house because she knew Phupho would throw her out the instant she would see
her. But now she regretted why did she even come to Kamran Ali’s place. Aliya’s
words were hurting her more than throwing her out of the home.

She was blind. Qandeel lost the sense of direction. She was
just walking, away from the maddening world. When came to her senses, Qandeel
realized she left her hand carry at Kamran Ali’s home. And now she only had her
hand bag. She did not want to go back to that place and after all, the hand
carry only contained some clothes and other stuff which could be sent to her
any time so she was not worried about it. Qandeel held the hand bag tightly,
put the dupatta on head and walked on the pavement. She did not have any clue
as to where to go. She wanted to keep walking along the road but knew that it
is inappropriate and dangerous for a young respectable girl to walk the roads
unattended at this hour of the night so she had to find a place to spend the
night. But where?

Qandeel was exhausted and still she could not think of
anywhere to go. She sat down to take a breath and broke down into tears.

“Ammi… Baba, why did you leave me alone? See, I am
wandering on the streets and nobody is ready to provide me shelter.” The
deserted road prevented her from being harassed by passer-bys. “If you really
had to go then you should have taken me with you as well. This world is a very
bad place, nobody will let me live here. Please let me come to you.” She cried
helplessly.

Qandeel was continuously searching her mind for the
solution and finally decided to go to airport where she could wait in lounge
safely even if her flight would be late. But she also wanted to visit her ammi
abbu in the graveyard, for the last time. Initially her plan was to visit them
in the morning when Kamran Ali would be dropping her to airport but now the
plan was changed.

Qandeel hailed a taxi and arrived at graveyard.

The place was very poorly lit. Qandeel squinted her eyes in
the semi-darkness to acquaint them to the darkness. She walked cautiously
toward her parents’ grave, guessing from memory. She finally reached to, first
ammi’s grave. Qandeel knelt beside it and touched the headstone tenderly. Then
she walked two steps and turned towards the heap of sand under which was lying
her Baba. There was no headstone yet but she knew there would be one in few
days and what will be written over it.

“Everything went according to your wish Baba. You got your
desired day, Friday, ammi beside you and soon you will have your headstone.”
Tears flowing. “You always said I am stubborn, I don’t rest until my wish is
fulfilled. But see, this time you won. You got everything you wanted. You left
me and I was not even able to stop you. I am all alone now. You wanted it,
didn’t you? You were restless for ammi, life was suffocating you, you couldn’t
wait to join ammi and now finally you have. And I, I have always been unlucky. I
don’t have anybody. I am helpless.” Her sobs were the only sound in the silent
graveyard. Her eyes stung but she didn’t care. She filled her hands with the
sand and cried.

Qandeel heard somebody calling out and looked around who
was speaking.

That old cane was tuck-tuck-ing towards her; the same sound
which frightened her and she always wanted to run away from it. But not
tonight. There was no fear, no apprehension from this sound.

Chacha Khera came towards her, leaning heavily on his old
cane, lantern in other hand.

“Oh, ‘tis you, Yusuf’s dhee?” Qandeel nodded. “What you
doin’ here at this hour of night? You could’ve com’ in de mornin’ to meet yer
daddy.” Chacha Khera never sounded so sweet in all those years.

“There will never be a morning, Chacha.” She sighed.

“Na, putter! This ain’t way to talk. The One in the Heaven
will be angry. ‘tis a dark nigh’, me concede but when the time for mornin’ will
com’ then no darkness will be able to cove’ it, ‘tis ol’ man’ word; a bright
mornin’ will com’.” Qandeel saw gloom and dark everywhere in her life. Chacha
Khera bent down to sit on his toes and put his hand on her head. The gesture
was so overwhelming for her, she closed her eyes. Letting the relief wash over
her.

“I know luv, you dun have anybody in this world but we
can’t interfere in God’s business now, can we? Don’t you worry my child.
Everything will be fine again.” Qandeel saw the twinkle in old man’s eyes and
she felt ashamed of herself because she was well aware what her eyes contained;
nothing. Everything was empty about her.

“Nothing will get well now, Chacha. I am an orphan now.”
And started crying again.

“Oh dear, don’t cry. Be patient, surely Allah is with
patient.”

Qandeel nodded and stood up, “Chacha, I am going now.” Chacha
Khera patted her head affectionately and made way for her. She looked at her
parents’ graves one last time. She didn’t know when, if, she’d return to them.

Qandeel walked a little more on the road and then sat in
the corner to take some rest. She was scared now. Fatigue and hunger were
winning over her. She wanted to sleep but couldn’t close her eyes because of
the ever present danger. She wanted to reach airport as soon as she could but
there was not an ounce of strength left in her body. She rubbed her eyes to
make sleep go but it was futile. Her mind was too tired to make not of any
resistance and then miraculously the cell phone in her handbag rang. She was
thankful of this invasion in her sleepy head and attended the call.

“What is wrong with your voice? What happened?” The
questions woke her up.

“Khala, I am not fine.” Qandeel sobbed over the phone.

“Come to me wherever you are. I was just scolding Sohail
why did he leave you alone there.” That brought Qandeel to full attention. “I
was so worried for you, dearest. I can’t even sleep properly. Come to me, I
will take care of you, my sweetheart.” Khala started crying and Qandeel wanted
to run into her arms and cry her own heart out until it was thoroughly washed
and sleep in her arms. “I was telling Sohail that you’re not alright. That
something is wrong with you and he kept on rejecting it, calling it my over
thinking effects.” Qandeel also started crying. They were talking when Sohail
came on line and inquired where’s she. Qandeel told him and his voice was
strained due to worry.

“What are you doing there at this hour? Why are you not at
home?”

“I was too agitated at home and was missing Baba so came
here.” Qandeel edited the reasons.

“Go back home and pack your things. I am confirming your
seat for Islamabad.”
He instructed her.

“I don’t want to go home. My stuff can be sent to me later
any day, I just need to meet Khala.” There was silence for a while at other end
and then Sohail said,

“Alright, stay there. I am calling my friend Imran. He’s
coming to pick you and will drop you at airport. No need to take taxi, OK?”

“OK.” She said

“I will call you back in five minutes.” Sohail said and
disconnected the call.

Slowly she stood up and was going back to the graveyard
when her cell phone rang again.

“Imran is coming in fifteen minutes. Stay away from the
main road.” He also told her car number and color, for just to be sure.

Qandeel stood by the main gate of the graveyard. She was
going to a new place, perhaps a new beginning. Cool winds were whispering their
farewell to her, caressing her softly. She was going to miss this city so much,
she knew it. But she couldn’t decide whom she would miss the most nor she
wanted to hold any prisoners.

The silent metropolitan was reflecting her mood;
melancholy was congealing inside and out.(Special thanks to Noor-e-Hira Shamim for translating this post)