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One of my fellow bloggers challenged me to name the ghettoest things in America. It has taken me almost 2 whole days because I can’t stop laughing long enough to get it done.

But alas, here we are.

7. “Flip Flop”/Chameleon Paint: Yes, people still do this. Yes, it’s still just as ghetto as it was the first time you saw it. Flip-Flop paint is extra ghetto because there’s really no way to tastefully do it. I intentionally left rims off the list because rims are becoming “mainstream” now, with most automakers offering factory chrome rims right off the lot now. But there’s no way in the fu*k you can pull up to your job in a suburban office (doing ANYTHING) and not attract negative attention from a) your supervisor, b) local law enforcement. Sorry.

6. Lace Front Wigs & The Infamous “27 Piece”: Lace Fronts and 27 Pieces, by themselves, are not ghetto and have been used for some time to enhance the appearance of women all over the country. It is the ABUSE of Lace Front Wigs and 27 Pieces that makes them flagrantly ghetto. Sweet Jesus…I’ve seen 27 Pieces that looked like football helmets and Lace Fronts that give women a hair line like a Cabbage Patch kid. Stop it ladies.

5. Wine Black ‘n Milds. Wine Blacks are ghetto and you know it! First of all, only ghetto niggas and even more ghetto white folk even smoke them. Secondly, you can kinda only find them in the hood. I’ve been to many a location that only sells regular blacks (which are ghetto, but not as much). [Note: if you still “freak” blacks, or even loosen them up so that about a quarter inch of tobacco remains in the wrapper…you are the epitome of ghetto]

(since we’re on the subject of wine)

4. Moscato. Yeah you nigga. It’s your fault. Rappers (of all people) can find a way to make just about anything ghetto. But wine? Really? I’m all for my people stepping out and trying something new, but the method & frequency of cunsumption is what has turned the delicately flavored sweet wine into a ghetto favorite. Hell, it might as well be sold in 40oz bottles with twist off tops…wait a minute. Nevermind. This shit is ghetto.

3. Facebook. I love Facebook, recently I defected to twitter because it allowed me to post even more random things than I already do (@DPdaJuice), but “the Book” is a source of constant hood hilarity. Everything from flagrantly misspelled professions of love…to ALL CAPS “hit em up” diss tracks to a babydaddy can be found on a typical Facebook screen. Not to mention my Monday morning ritual of looking at club pics from the weekend before…classic. I remember, back in the day, when only a verifiable college student email address could open an account…ooooh how the mighty have fallen.

2. Dashes, Hyphens, and the Bastardization of “African” and “French” names. *sigh* C’mon son. We’ve got to do better. I know we have an African American President, but that does not, I repeat, DOES NOT equal living in a post racial society. In short, racism is alive an well. And yes, people (usually people who decide who get jobs/resources) do judge based off names. If you want your child to be unique, try spending time with them, developing unique interests/talents, and encouraging them…a unique name, in many cases, just means them being unfairly judged. It ain’t right…but it’s real. I have seen it with my own eyes. And before you go and list: Oprah, Barack, etc…please be cognizant of their resumes and tenacity to get to the top, and also aware that even though they’ve “made it” their journey could’ve been that much easier had they been named otherwise.

1. Facial tattoos (and others). Nothing says “Don’t hire me” like a tat on the face. Nothing. And by face, I also include neck. Again, we live in a society where people are judged on many levels, usually appearance is the first filter. I have several tattoos and fraternity brands, but I didn’t get one that was visible while I was fully clothed until I was working on my masters and had years of experience in corporate America. Add to that: even on a social tip, people tend to judge. The infamous lower-back (commonly referred to as the “tramp stamp”) tattoo usually triggers the word “slut” in the mind of most men. Kinda like how a tongue ring triggers “good head”. Knowing this, you almost have to accept the unfair judgments that come with the territory.