The fierce rift that has developed between members of the Church of England over the appointment of women bishops has been healed today, following the ordination of a widowed former washerwoman at a solemn ceremony at the Alhambra Theatre, Brighton.

The Right Reverend Twankey, 64, emerged as the ideal compromise between liberal church goers who supported the ordination of women, and traditionalists to whom the very idea of a female bishop was an anathema, a Lambeth Palace Spokesman revealed. ‘Geoff was an acceptable choice for all concerned: while she is undoubtedly a woman, she possesses certain masculine characteristics, such as the occasional five o’clock shadow.’