Sob Story: Big Girls Do Cry

Tears can be healthy or a sign that you're letting things get to you. How to know when you need more than a tissue.

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Everybody cries sometimes. Many of us choke up at weddings--and even at wedding scenes in cheesy movies. We get weepy when our five-year-old starts kindergarten and when our 18-year-old leaves for college. And, of course, we cry when life hands us a blow--the illness of a friend, say, or the loss of a job. Some of us burst into tears when we experience any strong emotion. We cry when we're angry at our husband or when we're moved by a kind gesture or even if we're just surprised. Tears, say psychologists, may serve as a substitute for words, erupting when we can't find the language to express what we are feeling.

In joy and sorrow
At the simplest level, tears serve to keep our eyes moist and to facilitate their movement. Tears are composed primarily of water and sodium chloride--they're drops of salty fluid. But add emotions to the formula, and the composition, as well as your body responses, changes dramatically.

The tears you shed when you're happy have a small amount of stress hormones. These set off a distinct nervous system response: Your blood pressure, heart rate, and energy level go up, while feelings of anger or hostility decrease. The changes are temporary--as soon as you stop crying, your body returns to normal.

Because "sad" tears contain much higher amounts of stress hormones, you often feel more agitated while you're crying. But once the upset passes, hormone levels go down, and you experience a sense of release as normal physiological and emotional states are restored (hence the expression "a good cry").

If you can't resolve the problem, you may remain vulnerable to more weeping episodes. Over time, prolonged crying can interfere with memory and concentration and even lower your immunity. Excessive weepiness should be seen as a signal that you need help to address your worries.

Is it a girl thing?
In one survey, more than 80 percent of women reported that they cry at least occasionally--and nearly 20 percent said that they do so frequently. Men? Some 26 percent admitted to occasional crying, with nearly 65 percent insisting that they almost never do it. Although we may want to view these results with a touch of skepticism--guys being less inclined to admit to crying--women are clearly the weepier sex.

It isn't always this way: Nurses report that, as babies, males and females cry the same amount (a lot!) and for the same reasons--they're hungry, tired, in pain, wet, bored. But by adolescence, boys have mostly turned off the waterworks, responding to the message that "big boys don't cry." Girls, while they might be encouraged to "cheer up," are generally not belittled for tearing up.

Studies also show that children tend to adopt the crying behavior of the same-sex parent. So dads who were brought up to hold back their tears may have sons who do the same, even if no one urges them to, thus continuing the cycle.

The hormone connection
There's another reason why women win the weeping sweepstakes: hormonal changes. Emotions are closer to the surface when we're premenstrual; ditto during pregnancy, another endocrine upheaval. What's happening is that fluctuations of estrogen and progesterone are affecting concentrations of a whole host of other chemicals that relate to emotions. The stress hormone cortisol goes up; the mood-soother oxytocin goes down. Brain chemicals like serotonin and the endorphins are also affected.

With all this stuff roller-coastering through our bodies, it's no wonder we tear up when someone is cross (or hides the chocolate). If it's not a good time to cry, or you need to stop the flow even before it starts, take slow, deep breaths. Then say to yourself, I'm doing my best. This will work out.

Are you crying too much?
Some women are natural weepers, and that's OK. But excessive crying may indicate underlying stress or more serious depression. Some signs:

You're set off by the slightest thing--a traffic jam, for example, or a snide comment from a salesclerk.

You break down when you'd rather not--in front of your boss, for instance, or your kid's teacher.

You can't seem to stop.

You feel hopeless when you cry.

The tears interfere with your ability to manage daily activities. Faced with an important deadline or quarreling children, for example, you start to weep.

If any of these fits you, you may need to explore the root causes of your distress. Try to get help from a counselor. Learning stress-management techniques such as meditation should help you feel better.

Tips (& trivia) for the tearful

BEST WAY TO CHOP ONIONS WITHOUT TEARING UP Every few minutes, stick your head in the freezer and breathe deeply. That's what the prep chefs do at one New York City restaurant.

BEST WEEPY MOVIE An informal poll yields a three-way tie: Beaches (the ultimate friendship flick), Terms of Endearment (mother, daughter, and terminal illness), and The Way We Were (the perfect-but-doomed romance).

BEST MASCARA FOR VIEWING THESE TEARJERKERS One that's waterproof, of course, and that doesn't boast "lash-thickening" qualities. Volumizing formulas are more likely to flake when mixed with tears, explains New York City makeup artist Jennifer Farhood. Wearing eyeshadow? Blot, don't rub, when the waterworks begin.