My interview with Peter Graves

“Mission: Impossible” and “Airplane!” star Peter Graves was found dead last night at the age of 83 under mysterious circumstances, and as one of the preeminent journalists who has a picture of themselves eating ice cream with Hitler, I was invited to interview him:

Me: Hi Peter, thanks for meeting with me.

PG: (in a whisper) I am not Peter. I’m on a top-secret mission and my name is Dyed. Howie Dyed.

Me: Well, I’m here to interview Peter Graves and I wanted to find out how he died.

PG: Yes?

Me: Oh, I see what you did there. Two can play that game. Have you ever been in a Turkish prison, Peter?

PG: I told you, Peter’s not here.

Me: But he-

PG: Oh, Buddy’s been in a Turkish prison.

Me: Sigh. And he’s the same as Peter Graves?

PG: Andy? No, Andy has nothing to do with Peter Graves.

Me: Now I’m confused how he-

PG: Yes?

Me: Okay. I want to talk to Peter. Will he-

PG: Willy’s in the other room.

Me: Oh. My. God. I want to punch you so f-

PG: Yusuf? That’s our target. Have you seen him?

Me: That didn’t even sound like the same thing! Now I know you’re just fucking with me.