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Sunday, January 30, 2011

But really, it would be great stuff. I use the trackpad of my laptop, and it can be pretty frustrating and slow to use sometimes. As well as that, I'm not actually as bad at drawing as illustrations have shown.

If, with your help, I manage to scrape together the money for a drawing tablet I PROMISE TO DRAW:

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Why? Because I can. And I just want to give you a little heads up about them.

Since I'm a secondary student without a great deal of money to spend on books and stuff, I thought I'd add them just to bring in a few sheckles. However, don't feel sorry for me and repeatedly click the ads, because I'll probably be done for Click Fraud, and that's not good.

So, if you see something that interests you vaguely, give it a click. If not, don't bother. As an advanced thank-you gift, here's some modern art by yours truly.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I've owned Phone since the summer of 2009. Phone enjoys travelling in my handbag or pocket, and does many jobs such as allowing me to communicate with people, playing music, surfing the internet now and then, and is an ex-alarm clock.

Yes, I said ex-alarm.

As of this morning.

Phone obviously thought this would be a great idea.

I wasn't so sure.

As soon as I woke up, I knew something was wrong. It was way too bright, and I felt fully rested. Then I realised what time it was, and what morning it was.

It was a school morning. Not good.I couldn't figure out why I hadn't woken up, but after a moment of thought, I quickly discovered the culprit.Phone.

I'd relied on Phone as an alarm for so long. I brought Phone everywhere with me, perhaps it was a mistake. Perhaps I spoiled Phone, and encouraged the rebellious behaviour. I felt unloved when it wouldn't work, like it was mocking me.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Ever wanted to learn to learn the piano quickly and easily? Well now you can! In less than five seconds you can learn to play along to Piano Quartet No. 1 by Gerald Barry!

Gerald Barry is best known for painting staves on walls and throwing paint at them while completely legless, then copying the modern art down onto paper and having it played by desperate music school dropouts.

So... want to get started?

Then here we go!

First, you will need:

A Piano

A Pair of hands.

Reasonable Neuromotor Skills

Method:

And there you have it! You're playing like a pro! For a simple, yet emotional touch to the piece, try slamming your head on the keys.

Monday, January 17, 2011

WARNING: Excessive consumption may lead to side effects such as lazy eye, spontaneous death or dismemberment, loss of speech, being attacked by machete-wielding badgers, loss of shoes, uncontrollable urge to bark, uncontrollable urge to eat bark, caroling in June, daily doomsday predictions, death by horse stampede and/or throwing peanuts at hobos.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Doritos, a choice snack. Good with or without dip, so what's the problem?

THIS

You're talking with a friend who is eating Doritos, a fact you have tried to distract yourself from for the length of the conversation, when all of a sudden, most likely out of guilt, your friend offers you one. You accept.

This is a big mistake.

You take ONE Dorito, like you said, and savour it for as long as you possibly can without looking like a tool.

Your friend is clearly starting to get annoyed, and you know that it's well past the appropriate time to give them back. This is also enough time for that one Dorito to fuel an intense need for more. Your sense tells you that you've had enough, but your body tells you otherwise.

Then, breaking point.

You are a Dorito-eating MSG-fueled monster, and you will devour every Dorito you find.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

The other night my mum was watching Horse & Country channel, though I'm not exactly sure why. We don't have a horse, and we don't live in the country. Go figure.

Anyway, this ad for alpacas came on, showing alpacas frolicking in fields, and the narrator was saying things like 'Do you want an alpaca? Do you want to be an alpaca farmer? Contact this number today!'

Me: Was that an ad for alpacas?

Mum: Yes. Do you want one?

Me: No!

Mum: Awh why not?

Me: Well, I just don't. We have a dog and that's plenty.

Mum: But they're all cute and cuddly and grass-eating!

Me: I DON'T WANT AN ALPACA!

"But why don't you want an alpaca? They're cute and fuzzy and adorable, like a llama!", you might say.

Cute like a llama...

...right?

I'm not convinced, nor was I ever. Alpacas are evil, and that's the end of it.

Behind those calm, cute exteriors lie killing machines of untold power. I mean, look at those necks! It's like a sheep mated with a giraffe! And if that's not unnatural (and rather difficult) then I don't know what is.

I don't believe the whole 2012 thing, but if the world is going to end in some bizarre way, it'll be because of these guys. They're plotting, scheming, worming their way into the farms of unsuspecting people. Goodness knows what they'll do next.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

I'm not particularly superstitious, but little things like that bother me. I know, logically, that it doesn't mean anything, and I'm not going to die in a big fire today or anything, but there's always that feeling that something's going to happen. Then I have to start reassuring myself.

"Well technically, you have more than 666 messages, because Junk is e-mail too, just not good stuff. Add them and you've got 674. You're fine."

"666 isn't even the proper number, it's 616, Noobephine."

"Well... you're staying indoors today. You'll be fine."

Things like walking under a ladder, black cats and spilling salt don't bother me. Things like this, however, do:

You know the feeling? I also know the feeling of needing a drawing tablet. Donations accepted.

I also freak about things like opening a drawer to find a knife pointing in my direction. Partially because all the knives are put in pointing to the sides of the drawer, partially because it's like an omen of my impending murder.

Or sometimes, I'll see something happen, like across the street someone will be just about to cross the road, and suddenly I start thinking of all the bad things that could happen, like they could run out, but then run back as a car swerves to avoid them, the car crashes into a lamp-post, the lamp falls off and crashes over someone's head....