excuses, excuses

The following is obviously NOT a real note, and not at all how my doctor would write a note were he requested to do so. I was just amused by the fact that my current employer does have the right to ask for an excuse note; they have not done so (yet).

Dear Employer,

Please excuse Mrs. Hope from making copies on Friday, March 2. It’s really in your best interest, as well as in the interests of your customers. She’ll be quite cranky by evening.

Just in case you don’t think she’s telling the truth, her Friday morning will begin very early. She’ll probably have to arrive at the lab by about 6 AM. Then she’ll have the privilege of getting an IV. Though she has a couple of very easy veins, the nurses will first try the tiny veins in her hands. Dependent on both their competence and their stubborness, this exercise in futility can last as long as 25 minutes before the nurse finally gives up and uses the vein Mrs. Hope pointed out to begin with.

Once that is finally completed, she’ll have to sign consents that essentially waive any liability of ours whatsover should anything bad happen.

Then the fun begins. She’ll receive a cocktail of drugs that, while it renders her unconscious and unable to recall anything, also allows her to speak her mind. She’ll never know the things she shares with me, the entire nursing staff, and the embryologists.

After she is sufficiently sedated, I’ll begin extracting those eggs. How, you ask? With a large needle attached to an ultrasound probe so I can make sure I get them all. Or so I can make sure I don’t accidentally poke some vital organ. Oh, and this is all vaginally, mind you.

Not enough? She’s got this devil of a cervix that just won’t cooperate during transfers. Well, then I’ll pry her cervix open with some metal rods – and then – here’s the best part – I’ll jam a dried up piece of seaweed into her cervix, then pack her vagina with gauze, where it will remain for at least 24 hours. Boy, does that laminaria placement put her in a foul mood. Good thing I get to take off shortly after.

She won’t sleep much that day or evening – what with the uncomfortable piece of seaweed wedged in and dilating her cervix – and her inability to sufficiently empty her bladder. Add that to the commonplace fretting about how many eggs fertilized, and you’ve got a testy, testy woman on your hands.

I hope I’ve been of assistance, and that you’ll allow her a few days off. Really, it will be better for all those involved.