Tuesday, April 21, 2009

EC DUB 4/21

So I haven't watched ECW since they fired the hot vampire girl, who was my all time favorite *Diva*. Ever since then, I've been like Fuck ECW, so watching it now is quite the experience.The show opens and we are in ENGLAND which is not a part of AMERICA, and Finlay & Hornswaggle are in the ring TALKING. Finlay is catching feelings because Hornswaggle has been drafted to Smackdown and they were tight bros. Hornswaggle wants to wrestle tonight as a going away present(?). Then Natalya Neidhart comes out with some sweetboy who is seemingly wearing a Merkin on his head named Jason Kidd. They're like fuck this midget fool and then he bites Natalya on the ass. Speaking of Natalya's ass, it looks really big but I think it's more because she has stumpy ass legs, but still she probably has the biggest ass in *Diva* history. So then there is a commercial, and there is seriously a commercial every 4 minutes during this show and I don't know how people ever watch this shit.SO yeah then a lady fights a little person and the little person wins because he is the one with the bigger handicap, for now at least.

commercial

Back from commercial and Natalya and Merkin are bitching to ummmm....some girl from porno, who I guess is the manager of ECW (?) and, I don't know, something. The porn girl is really bad at acting.Then there's a RAW Recap but the only Raw Recap I need is from my man A.W. over at 6-3-94.blogspot.com. He was recently voted the Wrestling Observer's number one Raw Recapper.Oh splendid, now a recap of the matches at the next PPV. ECW is like WWE: The Informercial.

Oh shit Evan Bourne is on his way to the ring, and I imagine this dude wrestles on ECW TV every week because he seems to be the only person people give a shit about out of all of these ECW scrubs. Who is he fighting? A COMMERCIAL!Oh, He's fighting Paul Burchil who's a dude I remember seeing on RAW like a year or two ago once and then never again. He comes out with his "sister" (not sure if that's a shoot or not) and, man jaw aside, you wouldn't have to bend my arm to sleep with her, for real.This is probably the longest non-main event match I've seen on WWE TV in 37 years. Evan Bourne is such a spritely fellow and he always looks like he's in pain, but simultaneously enjoying the pain. They do a lot of moves here, including Burchill slapping on the backside of his thighs to get the crowd pumped. That was weird. Bourne does the most awkward twisting rollup thing I've ever seen and it's amazing. These announcer guys are like the TMI announcers. No wonder internet slugs like them so much, they are like istening to two Aspie dudes call a wrestling match. SO yeah, Evan Bourne wins this match by doing a Shooting Star Press where he legit jumps 5000 feet into the air.

Before we go to commercial, there's a filmed promo for that Kozlov dude and ohhhh he's just in an alleyway minding his own punching glass bottles with his fists and I'm sure everyone watching at home is thinking, "Look at this fuckin' guy" because that's what I was thinking.

Now it's Kozlov vs. some local jobber. Haha, ECW has matches with local jobbers. This show is so weird. Well, Kozlov is the most pissed off looking dude ever and he murders this dude, but I think they need to give him some kind of finisher where he drops a dude on the neck to really put over that this dude is pissed off.

During the commercial break, there is a commercial for a website called onlinebootycall.com which is the most triflin' looking website I have seen advertised during wrestling since a couple weeks ago on Raw when they had a commercial for Ashleymadison.com

THE MAIN EVENT is a contract signing between Jack Swagger and Christian for a TITLE MATCH at the PPV. So the porn manager's name is "Tiffany". It's good she has such a unique and one of a kind name because she really sticks out. Jack Swagger looks like Christian if Christian drank some Mutagen. Speaking of Christian and Mutagen, I haven't seen dude in a while, but he definitely stopped taking his pro wrestler vitamins because he's a regular sized guy now. Swagger talks forever during this and it's hard to tell because of his gigantic Caveman brow, but he has a slight case of Biggie Smalls Eyes. Then it's Christian's turn to talk and he has some SNAPS. I know Christian is supposed to be the good guy but I hope Swagger fucks him up at the PPV. It is not cool to SNAP on a dude's speech problems. Well, they end up fighting a little like every contract signing ever. The end. I may watch this again, just to see what other weird scrub characters fight on ECW, but I'm not going to lose sleep if I forget this show exists in 5 minutes.

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6-3-94 Manifesto

In the days of ancient Rome men tried to best each other physically by imposing their will on one other. Sometimes this lead to the death of one of the competitors. Sometimes it lead to a friendship or brotherhood bond being formed. More often than not it ended with the two dudes fucking the shit out of each other. Faggotry and wrestling have long had a mutually parasitic relationship. Where faggotry is afoot wrestling cannot be far behind. Where there is wrestling you can rest assured that faggotry is nearby, jerking off furiously. This is the way it has always been and the way it shall always be. Though men have tried to change this dynamic throughout the ages they have all failed. Spandex, pyrotechnics, midgets, fake tits and sports entertainment cannot mask the overwhelming scent of gay that always accompanies wrestling. You can always be certain of these three things: The sun always rises in the morning, politicians always lie and wrestling will always be gay as fuck. We are merely observers; scribes charged with the duty of recording, analyzing and mocking this faggotry. These are our words.