Tuesday, September 02, 2014

Doctor Who row: Letter-writing cranks now more offended by lesbians than by bestiality

Christ, not the golf too. Anything but the golf.

Something loud and incredibly boring is happening in Scotland

With two weeks to go until the referendum, Scots have found an astonishing enthusiasm for repeating the day’s newspaper headlines at each other in increasingly hectoring tones

Something incredible is happening in Scotland. Across this small nation, a people has awoken to the possibilities of a new and uncertain future. On high streets and in pubs and workplaces, thousands of intensely annoying people are angrily mouthing uninspired political slogans at each other in a seemingly never-ending trial of soul-deadening tedium.

“Mind-numbing, slack-jawed repetition of facile horseshit”

Morag, 23, a Yes campaigner from Inverness, told The Rat that the referendum is “a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity” for Scotland to become “a beacon of social justice”, reiterating precisely the same trite, banal cliches that The Rat deliberately didn’t read in today’s Herald, Scotsman, Record or Sun.

“It’s about forging a positive politics that’s relevant to the people of Scotland, rather than the tired cynicism of the Westminster establishment”, she said, regurgitating a series of content-free assertions no doubt culled from some numbnuts blog that is itself nothing but a great, crap-spewing funnel-of-fuck-all, maniacally dedicated to the repetition of platitudinous propaganda from the befouled anus of focus-group Hell.

“Perhaps this is karma, and The Rat spent all of its previous lives despoiling virgins and slaughtering nuns with Caligulan abandon”

40-year-old Glaswegian No voter Angus is, like every interviewee The Rat was forced on pain of penury to tolerate during this unendurable ordeal of grinding monotony, delighted to divulge his stultifying opinions at appalling length.

“An independent Scotland would face a stark choice” Angus announced, wrenching yet another stock-phrase from the day’s leader articles, which were themselves nothing but slightly rejigged reconfirmations of a series of passionless, party-approved pronouncements.

The Rat considered asking Angus why he liked Pepsi, in the full expectation that it'd prompt the answer Because it’s the choice of a new generation, but he continued bleating a series of shop-bought advertising jingles like he was Danny Alexander making eyes at Martha fucking Kearney on The World at One.

“Scotland can use the pound like Panama does, or it can join the EU. There is no other but The Rat had stopped listening and started wondering instead how far it would have to shove a teaspoon handle into its ear before spearing some vital chunk of brain tissue, resulting perhaps in lobotomy or a welcome death.

With the polls narrowing and only two weeks to go, it is… Oh Christ, two more yawning weeks of this godawful, punishing horror to endure, is there no -

See Like being gummed by geriatric zombies, p.12; Suicide - The answer?, p.26