The beginning of this was cute, and quite imaginative. I like that you took her parents' deaths into account, because it shows that you did your homework when composing this first chapter. The interaction between her and the little girl is sweet and quite telling of her personality.

I liked the bit of banter between Marlene and the girls. I can already tell that she's got a lot of energy and seems to be quite popular. I couldn't really tell if she and Sirius were involved, although the ship listing on this story seems to imply that she'll end up with Remus instead. There were a couple of things that kind of turned me off: one, she seems like a really needy, attention-seeking girl. I can understand that she's poor, but her constant begging for treats and gifts reminded me a bit too much of Pansy Parkinson for my liking. The other thing is Lily crying about Petunia; it seemed a bit melodramatic. I would have expected her to make a snappy comment or brush it off like it wasn't anything to worry about, at least in public or until Petunia does something else.

This is a nice start! Good luck with the rest :)

academica

Author's Response: Hi there! Thank you so much for a great review.
I'm happy you think it's imaginative and everything :) But the fact that she is attention seeking and really rather selfish, thinking the world revolve around her because she's an orphan and poor, is EXACTLY the way she's meant to be :). Sorry if that was off putting, but i was aiming for a bit of character depth, and not just a happy, flirty, sarcastic teenager as so many stories have in them.

Hmm...but you do have a good point about Lily crying over Petunia! I might edit that out :)
Thank you!
LWG :)

You are definetely off to a good start here. I definetely liked the narrative voice you've given Marlene, her attitude is very amusing and helps give life to the story.

I also liked you interpretation of the James/Lily dynamic, it was nice that Lily actually liked him back an wasn't just giving in to his pestering.

I was also really glad you included Peter and gave him unique personality traits, its definetely easy to leave him out of this type of story.

The chapter flowed very well, and there was some very nice Remus/Marlene foreshadowing.

Author's Response: Hi there!
Thanks for the lovely review.
Glad you liked it! I was trying for an original, different touch. I did specifically include Peter, because I also don't like the stereotypical way he is usually displayed. And the lily/James thing is just exactly how I imagine it! I guess that's all we can ever do :)

A great fifth chapter! I really enjoyed this! :) Again, it was filled with the perfect amount of events and interactions. I loved the beginning straightaway: "People think that because I canít cry, Iím heartless." I can sort of relate, since I'm not very emotional!

Haha, these were really funny, "what kind of a name is quaffle? Like a flying waffle with a q- stuck on the front. Qwaffle. And you canít even eat this type." Never heard that before, but the idea of a flying waffle is stuck in my head now! I loved how Marlene thought his name was "Zenophilpots"!

And I really liked this too - "Well unicorns came from the white tips of waves. They rose out of the sea aeons ago, and are made of pure sea magic" Is that actually true? It sounds like something Xeno would definitely say!

The interaction between Marlene and Xeno was really interesting! You definitely managed to capture the weirdness of Xeno. Marlene/Xeno would be hilarious! "I donít actually like watermelons, they just look nice." Haha!

Oh, and I'm laughing over "Regulanglio" - if somebody actually was called that, I"d feel so terribly sorry for him! So basically, I loved this! There's actually a lot of humour in it, which is great, and as I said before, your writing works out really wonderful with Marlene's narration. Loved it! :)

♥ secret santa

Author's Response: Ok, I forgot that you'd actually gfind out about who the rebound is in chapter 5, not 6. Oh well!

Glad you liked the humour in there :) I'm particularly fond of the quaffle paragraph!!

The unicorn thing...the unicorn thing! It's not actually canon by the way, but it does sound exactly the kind of thing Xeno Lovegood would believe. It adds a bit of depth to the chapter, I hope! Aw Marlene/Xeno, what a pair! *hearty thingy*

Whoo! Another lovely chapter! I thought you've managed to keep the flow going really well, kept it continuing at a steady pace and kept the action going as well. I liked the muggle class, how interesting! I thought it a bit surprising that they all actually listened to Marlene and followed her orders, but I thought it was a terrific class idea! :P

Oh, I wanted to say that the length of each of your chapters so far has been absolutely PERFECT! I have rarely read such a story where all the chapters are this perfect length! It's not too short, and it's not too long, and it's perfect just for a few events to take place, but nothing too much! So thank you for that! I find that chapters with 5000 words are so much harder to read than 3 chapters with 1600 words each.

I was just about to wonder about interaction between Marlene and other people, so it was great to see that chat with Lily! On one hand, they seem like good friends, but they also seem a bit distant and not very close.. so I think you could definitely show more interaction between Marlene, the other girls and the Marauders, because I still feel like you could start to develop her relationships more ;)

When you say "Strong arms grabbed my waste and legs" did you mean waist? Also, when you mention batman and catwoman - did non-muggles actually know about this muggle stuff? I thought they didn't, but then again, you can do whatever you want, and they do make good witty comments!

Hehe, I absolutely loved this line, "I was getting a free ride back up to the castle." and "You're really warm," I murmered, "Like toast." It's just so.. Marlene to say something like that! (Oh, and murmered should be spelt murmUred.) I'm wondering - will Marlene's 'rebound' guy, be Remus? They seem to have some good chemistry! ;) Can't wait to read the next chapter! I hope you update soon, and that I remember to come back here!

♥ secret santa

Author's Response: Oh, they were all too terrified of Marlene with her knowledge of muggle punishments to try anything! And they realised it was better than listening to Turrell drone on :P

Yay! I'm glad I've got the lengths right. I read some fics with massively long chapters and I'm biting my nails, wondering whether mine should be that long! I try and aim for a minimum of 2000 words a chapter.

You're right, I was gettong worried about this too. I want Marlene and Lily to appear CLOSE close, so thanks for pointing out that. I'll work on it!

Oops, yes 'waste' was meant to be 'waist.' I've read through countless times but don't remember noticing that! Eek!
Well Marlene has grown up in the muggle world and Remus I'm making half-blood. They both must have gone to a muggle primary school-that's how they know about batman etc! :)

Another great chapter! I like where this is heading so far :) Your writing works really well with the narration of the story!

I loved the idea of 'two twin witch children born to muggles' - I've actually never, ever read or heard about this before! You have some really creative ideas! And I just love Marlene's random insults - "You are such a vegetable!" made me laugh!

I liked how you started developing Mary's character, especially tying it in with Marcia and the Slytherins - I thought that was pretty clever.

Oh, Marlene and Regulus used to be in a relationship? That's unexpected! And I find it intriguing that Lily is the only one who knows about it. I hope we get to find out more of it in the story? It's always good to develop deeper backstories to the characters so we get to know them more! I get why Marlene ran, but where did Lily go after that? I thought it'd be nice to mention that Lily followed after her?

Also, when you talked about Regulus, you said.. "Until he became a Death Eater" was that just something to make the story more plausible? because in canon, did that happen later, or was it actually during the marauders' sixth year? (i haven't got internet to search it right now, so i'm interested to find out why).

Overall, another lovely chapter! :)

♥ secret santa

Author's Response: Hey!

I got a review on every chapter!! *squee*

This one is where the angst and plot tension really starts to snowball, so I'm pleased you think I captured it well. I really don't know how I thought about Marcia and Mary being twin-witch-muggleborns, but I think I had created an OC who had a twin sister who turned bad. I gave the twin sister to Mary, before remembering she was muggleborn. Then I shrugged and still placed her with Mary! So I guess it wasn't intentional...not really! :)

The Marlene/Regulus is kind of going to be a BIG backstory and worm through the main plot too! I love the ship. I don't want Lily to follow, because I wanted the last bit of the chapter to be quite emotionally charged and focused solely on the interaction between Marlene and Regulus really.

Hmm...to be honest I didn't check when Regulus becomes a Death Eater! *blush!* I know this was starting out canon, but I'm pretty sure we don't find out when he joins up. And this is just how it works with my plot.

Oh, you definitely managed to keep me engaged and enjoying the story so far! I really liked this! I think the first person commentary from Marlene is actually quite interesting. I feel like the characterisation could be even more solid, but it's really good right now! She says she's a dumb blonde, and that she kinda hates her reputation of that, but so far, I've seen nothing to show that she has a reputation of being a dumb blonde, and her personality seems very cheerful, random and definitely a little lively!

I really liked that little Italian story! It makes me wonder - why do Italian boys give gloves to people they never want to see again? Was that a made up story or is it actually true? :P

I loved this line, "ErmÖwho the hell are 'Pads' and 'Prongs?'"! You managed to tie it back to what we know of the Marauders, and I thought that was clever.

I also loved that snippet from the newspaper about the flu - I found it fascinating and actually quite realistic that they couldn't find a magical cure for the flu, and instead have to resort using the muggle method of vaccination!

One mistake I picked up: "and realised Iíd me next to Lupin" I think instead of me, you meant 'be'.

Oh, and I really liked that prank!! I've read about a lot of Marauder pranks, but I've never read about that one before! And it's so simple, yet remarkably clever! I loved seeing it in action as well! Oh, poor Flitwick, haha! Great chapter!

♥ secret santa

Author's Response: Hmm...yes, i suppose she isn't particularly 'dumb' just a little slow to pick up on things sometimes, and gets a little muddled. But in the process of trying to give her a depthier character, I added this to her personality-she thinks everyone SEES her as a dumb blonde, because of the stereotye. Perhaps I should make this clearer!

Oh the Italian thing's true! It happened to a relative of mine! I just had to include it somehow when I heard!

haha the flu thing's a bit random, but I'd had a painful injection that day and wanted to make my characters suffer! Mwahaha!

A really great opening chapter! I always love a good old Marauders story, and yours was no different. I have to say that although there was some similarity to other Marauders stories - with the girls and the guys together, and all the camaraderie, I really liked the characterisation of Marlene and how different a character you made her. I also liked how this story is from her view, rather than Lily's!

You even managed to add in some humour here, which I thought was great, and was amusing! "Im not a banana boat, I'm a carrot boat!", "Cabbage off" and "Lupino Supremo, Poo poo head Potter and Peter Pan". That made me laugh - great nicknames! I also liked how childish in a way they still were - having pillow fights and making a tepee - I can definitely see that happen, even though they are sixth years!

One suggestion I did have was to maybe insert a line break, or even a simple '~' between the paragraphs where Marlene is at home, then suddenly on the Hogwarts train, and then suddenly in the dorm. It would flow a lot better.

As an opening chapter, it's good and solid in introducing the characters and setting the scene. I'm looking forward to reading the future chapters and seeing the plot unfold, so to say! :)

♥ secret santa

Author's Response: Hello again, mysterious person ;)

I love Marlene McKinnon, and I'm not really sure why! But I see her so clearly in my mind. Although I suppose they do seem rather immature for 16, I'm trying to conve their innocence and vulnerability. As the story progresses, however, a lot will change!

I am planning on ths to be quite a humorous fic with darker patches. Marlene herself has become a humorous character in my mind, and the way she thinks is quite different (hopefully). I'm trying to make them all seem original.

I'll edit with the paragraph break thing when the queue's reopened!
LWG x

This was for sure my favourite chapter. I actually think you've improved like billions only in these first four chapters and I loved this one to bits. Marelene being a teacher was just the funniest thing - I loved what you did with that and it seemed very Marauders and I loved it. It was so funny and orginal and great and I just loved everything about it :D

I have nothing instructive to say, because it was just a really really great chapter :)

-AC

Author's Response: ...Wow! I am infinitely happy! (does that make sense?!) Thanks so much for making my day! :D Yay! xx

Oh HELLLO tension, plot and drama. I'll admit that I knew about the whole Marlene/Regulus relationship going on here because I was stalking all your reviews (because I obviously have no life) but othewise I think it would have been a great big shocking thing - which is good. Shock is good. But maybe go back to the first two chapters and add a couple of subtle suggestions about Marlene having her heart broken or something? Because shock is great, but its even more great when you're SHOCKED and then you think HUH, that was there ALL along.

I love Mary having a sister. Thats so good, and the whole drama there is really very interesting. I haven't read anything quite like that, the nearest sort of dynamic is the whole Sirius/Regulus thing. HEY, if you got Mary and Sirius together then they would be like rival couples with their siblings. It would be like with twins when you have the evil one... only it would be DOUBLEY as cool. Sirius/Mary forever. Ahem.

Anyway, your writing was good in this chapter too and I like how Marlene doesn't suddenly forget that she doesn't even like Mary when she's comforting her - thats good, people who drop everything and all grudges aren't very believable. Anyway, still really enjoying it. Hopefully I'll be back soon for more reviewing goodness (only one more chapter left!)

-AC

Author's Response: Whoa...have you been on the coffee Helen??!! :P Thanks for the amazing and very hyper review!
Yep I am going to add in oh lovely subtle hints about Regulus, and maybe tone down the sudden burst of heartbroken-ness and seriousness that Marlene suddenly suffers.
I like the bit with Mary too though :D

Ahem. Who is this creepy review stalker who is obsessed with mary/Sirius?

And that reminds me I need to hook Mary up with someone...maybe your dreams will be fulfilled!!

I am back and ready for more reviewing action! I read your response to my last review and I think the reason so many people are giving you advice because we can all see that this story has so much POTENTIAL. Like seriously, the potential is just leaking out of it - your writing style is easy to read and very likable, you've got the start of some really good characters and yeah... you've just got to watch that it stays orginal and fresh otherwise people won't give it enough time - but I know that you're going to be such a brilliant writer and I can't wait to continue seeing you improve and such (which you definately willl).

Chapter-specific stuff... well, as theres been little plot yet this is quite a slow introduction - which is perfectly fine, of course, but maybe you should throw a complete curve ball in early to surprise everyone. I liked the prank though - simple but effective :)

I'm so glad people think so! It gives me loads of confidence :D
there is a massive plot change in the next chapter but I'm not happy about the way its written so I will be looking over that chapter when I next have time! LWG xx

Its really good to finally read something that you've written! And its even better that is pretty darn good :) I haven't read any marauders for ages and I've got to say its sort of weird to have Mary creeping in there, but I think i like it.

That aside you're writing is really very good: consise (in a good way), clear and few errors which is really good. None of thoes awkward stopping points that make you trip over your words and have to start over.

The only thing I would say is try to avoid what are becoming fanfiction cliche's. I think you've got the beginnings of a really good character with her motherly instincts and the orphanage and stuff, and I like the relationship between her and Lily, but a couple of lines were just not needed... like "I witter on a bit by the way" because it seems like a lot of writers at the moment are implicitly saying that their characters get distracted and ramble on through inner monologues... but theres no need to tell us that if you can show it. JUst a little thing really, but yeah - you've got the potentiall to make this really good.

I enjoyed it a lot, I like all your characterisations so far and its written really well. Good job :)

-AC

Author's Response: Hi AC! It must be a bit strange for you to read about Mary, having spent so long with her yourself ;) I could never portray her as well as you though, so it's a good thing she's not my main character! Oh the pressure!
Anyway, thanks so much for a great review. I've had so much helpful advice I'm drowning in it! I really want this story to improve as I love the plotline so much, but have quite a few things to edit, which I will do now as I have time.
Rhiannon x

The structure of this chapter was more coherent than what I read in your other story. It makes me happy to see that you put so much of yourself into your stories. It is really evident that you enjoy writing. I do not claim to be a great writer or anything close to it, but if I may make a few suggestions?? While Marlene seems really entertaining, I find it hard to connect with her emotionally. I can't really grasp where she is at in regards to being an orphan, where she falls in the hierarchy of her friends. It may be intentional on your part, in which case ignore everything I've said, but everytime I feel like I should see some hint of Marlene's character beneath all of her silliness, bam! more silliness. Sure there are scattered, random sort of people in RL, but that's not all they are. They think deep thoughts and feel things even if not on the surface.

I love developing characters and think that it's useful to consider a character as a whole. Think of them as a real person with real thoughts, feelings, faults etc.

Please don't take this harshly, it's only meant as a suggestion. It very well may be that you want Marlene to be a bit superficial to the readers at this point in the story. Also, it is endearing that the characters have nicknames! that is a lovely touch. Something to think about, I tend to find it the most effective when characters mainain their proper names in narrative, and only adopt the nicknames in dialogue between the characters. They really are a personal touch that gives you the feel that they all really know one another.

This is a good start! I can tell that you love writing and that is the best part of this.

Lovely job,
Melissa

Author's Response: Melissa. I love you! So much. Believe it or not, but you've actually been an inspiration in ways you may not understand through this review and our conversation on hpff. Wow. I don't quite know what to say when someone takes apart your story so beautifully and thoroughly like this then puts it back together with a bow and scented plasers!

I do love writing and I do try. The thing with this story is at first I tried to make Marlene all serious and angsty. It didn't worked. Then I tried to make her naive and silly. That hasn't worked either! But I'm not going to give up on her. I'll get her right and it will really help my characterisation skills (which are not currently very high).

Me again :)
I live love live the way you've strung together the vegetable thing! Poor Remus mistaking it D:
You have some great moments going on here. The tree thing...a tad strange, but it works ;D
Please update soon!!!
Sara x

Author's Response: Hi again! :D I'm glad you don't find the vegetble joke cheesy or anything...it's just part of Marlene's character (bad insults). She's a bit batty at times but has a clever brain somewhere...deep inside...
D: I love Creaky the Tree! D: But always happy to hear other views!
I will update as soon as possible.
LWG x

I love this story so much :D this is my fav chapter so far too. Marlene is adorable and you keep her character pretty well throughout. This was a fast moving chapter but I LOVE REGULUS! he is so awesome.
I'm glad u found your deleted files again! O_O

Love, Sara :D 10/10!

Author's Response: Hey Sara, thanks for dropping a review! I'm glad you like my story xD (I'm rather partial to it myself...). Sorry about how fast paced this chapter is...but I love Reggie too! He's such an interesting character. He is portrayed quite coldly in this chapter, but I'm hoping to really develop him.
Thanks hun!
LWG :)

Rhiannon i never knew you could be so un-innocent!! Anywhy loving the srory so far... and have a feeling Remus is going to be marlene's rebound. I really do think i too should get a medal for stating the obivious! Luv ya loads my cannon! (or ti amo , as they say in italy)

Author's Response: MWAHAHAHA actually you may not be stating the obvious with the Remus rebound thing.Read on later to find out! And of course I am 'un-innocent' ;)
I feel better btw, though that may be the medicine talking. Love you more!
x

Oooh, I likey! :) This was a very nice start- humorous and just- happy, happy. Which fits the Marauders' Era! I'm glad you didn't make it all angsty (though it was a little in the beginning), I love the characterisation of the marauders- for the most part, they are characterised well. My only (tiny) problem is with Pettigrew. He seems a little too quiet and well, awkward. I know JKR characterised him similarly- but I suppose I've read too many stories in which he's the same that I'm bored. :P

Other than that, this was fun to read! Marlene has a very bubbly personality, despite where she comes from, and I can't help but smile at her narrative. :)

Good job!

Author's Response: Hiya!

Thanks for the lovely review :) It is meant to be light hearted at first but gets more serious as it develops.

I am trying to work on the Peter Problem (other reviwers have told me the same thing!) but I can't yet think of a suitable solution.

Author's Response: x (kisses times a million but respondy thing won't let me do them!) x Thanks so much Roffey :D You and livi are the best friends ever *hugs tightly*
I guess I'm not really bored of it.just wondering whether it's a waste of time...but I love writing it so I'm carrying on! Love you so much! Rhiannon xxx

Hello! This is you review battle review!!! I hadn't read this one yet so I have and I love it! It's better than the first one by a long way, your characters have developed, just a teeny tiny bit but plenty to make it believable. I love the kind of humour that you use in this story, it really suits your personality, I think you've found the style for you, and I'm not at all suprised that it's the crazy one! Maybe add a little more description now. Keep it up!!

Author's Response: Thanks so much! I agree with you, this chapter is so much better than the first one. I really think I need to make the first one a bit more...original...to encourage people to read on!
Thanks for the review, the battle is awesome! :D xx