“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”

selfishness

For my soul to finally be at rest. This crazy world out here really drains my energy. In you, I looked for solitide.

I’m starting to see I can’t find that with you no matter how hard I try.

It was supposed to be me and you against the world. Instead I feel like in your eyes you see me vs you.

I saw my shining star. I went with my heart…and now I’m left torn ever more into pieces because now I’m starting to feel it wasn’t real. Love can’t be real.

When you love hard, you can hate just as much in reverse. It’s a really thin line between the two emotions. I see that now as I can feel in my heart, hate for love.

Love seems all like a dream. It was never my reality. Love was an escape from my day to day rituals and deserting friends.

Do I really know what love isor do I confuse it withattachment/codependency?

(If you don’t know what codependency is take a look at it’s meaning here. I may write a blog about it because this is something that have been struggling with in my life for as long as I can go back in my mind. The topic can get quite extensive so look out for the blog link for that here.)

I think of the moment love gave me my ring back. Feeling like cement bricks in my hand, but pulling down on my heart. There’s no more left to give. I feel depleted.

I’m not saying I was the best to you either love. I am not right now the best me I can be. My heart has been kicked around by many people making me even more sensitive to shit that people do.

We are both not ready for each other.

I don’t think love understood how I really felt so I wrote my feelings down. It’s the best way I know how to communicate as this the first way I really knew how.

Anyway maybe later in life, love and I will come across each other again to fulfill the great destiny we shared together.

If not…well…we spent some great times together. I’ll keep a piece of you with me forever as I live out the rest my days that I wanted to spend with you.

Soul searching led me to write this to you. I have realized being the knight in shining armor was ABSOLUTE WRONG approach to keeping you.

I never learned from REAL MEN what exactly a MAN is. I learned out in the streets just as my male friends did…and from tv.

On a downward spiral this led me…to you. Now I can only blame myself for how I acted. I was not the best example of a person because I got sucked in. Just as deep as the void in my heart I had before we became 1…its left even emptier moreso now that you’re gone.

I won’t be losing anymore love. My heart is shut to it…

Vulnerability gets no respect…

You put yourself out there to get hurt when being to nice.

Life is a bitch but she won’t be to me anymore. Pain has made me darker. I don’t need anyone. I need more money. I won’t be going hard or showing anymore love to anyone.

“You ain’t worthy, you see my love, you don’t deserve itCan you take it, you can dish it, you can serve it, but when the tables turned on you, I’m wrongWhen every man deserves happiness hey, I’m a dog, when you’re the reason that it happened all alongAnd I try to look past it, oh but its the, its the, its the things you do”

“Mama is a “saint”, yes she raised me real goodAll because of her I don’t do you like I shouldDon’t make me give you back to the hoodDon’t make me give you back”

Drake always in his feelings on his albums. Singing and getting all emotional and shit. I get it…we are both October scorpios so I understand all that gushy stuff.

Chris Brown is another example. Bugging the fuck out over a woman. They get you in your feelings like that. Leave it to the lightskin folk to get out of pocket.

Sometimes I wish that I wasn’t so nice. My parents raised me to “treat others like you want to be treated.” Now my mother isn’t the easiest person to get to know or a saint but who is on this Earth? Once you get past the thick skin she has, everything is usually cool. She has been amazing when it comes to my transition. Her insurance paid for my top surgery which you can read about here. Dad on the other hand was a character and such a joy to be around. I was talking to an old friend the other day and he mentioned having “fond memories” of my father being a happy person. Oh how I could use the positive energy right now.

Anyway the point of this post is to explain my issue with being just a bit too nice and having an extremely big heart even when I shouldn’t. I’ve had some extremely fucked up shit happen to me. I wonder how these same people would react if I treated them the exact same way. Even when I feel like spazzing the fuck out, I’m learning to implement keeping it cool. I’ve been told I have an attitude and an anger problem which I don’t dispute. Only when I feel i’m being provoked do I go that route. I do not take disrespect too nicely. Very rarely have I shown this side of me to people. You really have to keep pushing my buttons for me to bug out. I take quite a beating before I start going off. The little things add up to me. I don’t like pettyness and people who have the inability to listen. This really grinds my gears. This is because I consider myself a very good listener and I work very hard at this skill to prevent miscommunication. My old theater program had us listen to the life stories of everyone in the cast. It was an exercise to strengthen this much needed skill that I use to focus in class now.

Formally known as City at Peace NY, this program is where I first started to fully express myself as a “stud.” I would wear all masculine clothing, and dated a “feminine” female. This is how I prefer my women to be. The cast would make frequent trips to the village and hang out. The village in NYC is considered very “LGBT” friendly and this is the spot to go if you want to express pride in your rainbow affiliation. After 16 years, I finally started to feel like I could present myself as me. We would be together for many nights after school and weekends for 8 months out of the year. 4 years I stayed in the program. I do not regret it. I made many friends who I still speak with once in a while to this very day.

I bring up the program now known as “The Possibility Project” because I feel it saved my life by keeping me off the street during my transition from teen to young adult. A nice chuck of my patience and ability to deal with different types of people come from here so I am eternally grateful. My parents have WAY LESS patience then I do. I praise the program for my over abundance of empathy. Having great mentors around me in tune with themselves was a blessing.

I’m a big believer in things happening in sync. Today I’m posting my 113th post on 3/11. I have also had the “pleasure” of working at 311 this past summer. I would’ve still been there but I left on my own. It didn’t fit into my school schedule at all. I needed that extra study time. Anyway I’m hoping the universe will give me a sign of something today. It needs to be big. Thanks for reading.

“I just wanna let you know that someone love you backAll the Cadillac, like I’m Teddy PendergrassWhippin’ on this shit I’m getting ready, where you at?Riding…”

Now I’m not writing this post knocking my boy Stevie J. I respect him as a real artist who can definitely play an multitude of instruments.

Stevie and I share a couple of qualities. He is a Scorpio like myself who is hungry to be better then he was yesterday. He makes a gazillion mistakes on a daily basis but he makes up for it by trying to come out stronger and better. Watching the show, you see he gets into many Entrepreneurial endeavors. This includes partnering up with Benzino to open a restaurant and having a pre-workout supplement called “Danger Zone” that’s for sale right now. I plan on giving it a try once my money becomes a bit more stable.

I love to work out and I am inspired by him to get my body even tighter than it was at my peak. First I’m going to be doing the “Insanity” workout to drop some weight. Next it will be the muscle gain. I hope to follow at least in those footsteps of his with the exercise and hustle. On the other hand, we also have a bad habit of attracting not so nice women into our lives.

Joseline you could see was trouble from the start. She got with him while he was in a relationship with his baby mother Mimi. They denied any claims of being together even with all the excessive flirting and inappropriate things they were doing in the public and behind closed doors. During the course of their union, he played with her and she played back doing inexcusable things. Current news is she is supposed to be pregnant with his baby on the show. I do not think she was actually pregnant regardless of what was shown on the opening episode. I think it was all fake right along with Beyoncé s pregnancy with Blue Ivy but that’s for another post.

Now here’s where we differ…

I was binge watching the older seasons of the show before it came back on last night and I couldn’t help but notice how bad he is with women. This dude is not loyal at all! First there was Mimi, a baby mama to one of his daughters whose also a 20 year friend. He bought a family home for the 3 of them to live in the suburbs. As a music producer, he did most of his work in the studio in the city area where he also acquired an apartment for him to stay in on his late nights. Joseline was one of his artists at first. Since he has a bad habit of mixing business with pleasure, they ended up messing around.

They would go to the extra apartment he had to have their sexual rendevous. As of right now, they aren’t together on the show. During the season break, he had a spinoff called “Leave It To Stevie.”

During the course of the show you saw him level up in the lady department with one of his longtime friends. He had a chance to date Faith Evans. Now this was a big step up from what he usually attracts. She was a real woman. I don’t feel like Faith would go out of her way to hurt him and play games like immature Joseline. She was graceful with it and I appreciate that about her. Grinding and level headed, I feel that’s what he needs from a wife. I take this advice into account for myself because now after all of the heartache, I know what I don’t want to become and who I dont want to marry. I want peace and stability in my life.

I’ve been buying some sage along with this other root to bring positive energy into my life and I suggest that Stevie J do the same. Some people don’t mature just with age, it takes experiences. Hopefully Stevie will stay faithful to the right woman. I feel when you find “theone”, it will all work out in your favor and things will fall into place. If it’s not meant to be it won’t. Thanks for reading.

Hi..My name is Suites and I have a FacebookAddiction. Coming to terms with this was very hard. It’s something that I had to sit down and ponder about. When my mind had nothing else to wonder about I would find myself scrolling down my Facebook timeline for minutes on end, feeding my energy into this powerful entity. I regard it as such a thing because of the amount of control it has on people’s daily lives. Life had landed me with a number of future opportunities to work for the city. All of these employment orientations have led me to giving up my social media identities for them to look at before they hire me. The importance this website has on my future is paramount. I do not want to make this a staple of my time on Earth.

It has been about a week since I deactivated my Facebook account. On the first day, to my surprise I felt very anxious. I would pick up my phone with many thoughts including going back to Facebook and calming my nerves. Ignoring these feeling I went on to do many things including:

Worked out more often

Read real estate articles

Spent more time living outside of the phone screen

The list goes on with the things I did with my newfound minutes each day. I still do have my Instagram account and post quotes once in a while but it is not something I spend a lot of my time on. I choose not to have a Snap chat or other accounts because these things are a time waster in my opinion.

I think of the simple times before all of the electronic devices and the Internet. The 90’s into the 2000’s were some of the best years of my life. It just happened to be during the time when the Internet and cell phones were brand new and not very relevant to everyday life. I imagined my timeline during the Super Bowl game and felt very blessed to be able to enjoy the moments of watching the game and not caring about the “likes” on my post. I really don’t give a damn about people’s opinions any longer.

Like any addiction this will take time to get completely off of my mind though. I will not say that I don’t get weak sometimes. I’m human and I make so many damn mistakes but then I wake up the next day a new man with new choices to make. One day I’ll be reveling in the success that I deserve to have. I have to put it out into universe to create for me so I’m claiming everything I want in life to be mine.