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UK refuses to vote for anything ever again

A nation-wide survey has shown that the entire British electorate has finally learned its lesson and accepted that it really doesn’t know what’s best for itself.

The survey found that 94% of people responded with “Put a cross in a box!? Again!? Are you fucking nuts!?” to the question of which way they would now vote in either a general election, an EU referendum, or a ballot to decide what they’ll have for tea. Half of the remaining 6% ran away screaming and jumped in a river, and the other 3% copied them.

Analysis of the data by electionologists at the North Kent Nutella College of Social Engineering has found that in recent years ‘voter apathy’ took a dramatic swing into ‘voter ecstasy’, which has subsequently descended into ‘voter agony’ and, in countless cases, voter suicide.

Sadly, one of the people surveyed panicked and took their questioner hostage. Not unreasonably, they threatened to decapitate the Ipsos MORI employee with the offending clipboard unless their demand to be exiled in North Korea was met. Police negotiators then safely defused the situation by offering an on-the-spot lobotomy and a promise to taser David Dimbleby if he goes anywhere near the BBC again.

MI5 has shut down LBC radio to help prevent any further incidents – however, they have also warned the public that a number of political commentators are still at large.

The government said it noted the surveys results with interests and would be putting this question to the British people in a special referendum.