Holy crap. I can’t believe it. I’m actually going to be in a Michael Bay movie! Michael Freakin’ Bay! This is unbelievable! Okay, let’s see here: I’m playing a Japanese kamakaze pilot during the Pearl Harbor attack. It’s weird that I got cast in this part, considering that I’m as white as an albino’s asscrack. You’d think there would be a ton of Asian actors out there looking for parts, but I guess not. What else could it be? That Michael Bay is racist? That’s ridiculous. He’s already sexist and a pyromaniac. You can’t be racist, sexist, and a pyromaniac, can you?

Alright, it’s almost time for my part. All I have to do is sit in this plane cockpit, look really terrified, and then yell my line: "Viva Japan!". That’s kind of a weird line. I mean, "viva" is Spanish. Why would a Japanese guy yell something in Spanish? But hey, what do I know? I didn’t embark on an extensive historical study of one of the most infamous days in U.S. history, and Michael Bay probably did. I mean, he wouldn’t start making this movie without having any idea as to how Pearl Harbor actually happened, would he?

Oh! There’s Ben Affleck! I freakin’ love that guy. He’s so good at everything he does. He did such a fantastic job writing Good Will Hunting. That was just an extraordinary movie, and to think that he and Matt Damon wrote that whole thing by themselves. That’s really impressive. I bet they’ll both go on to have successful careers as actors and writers. I mean, they wouldn’t write such an awesome movie and then part ways and never write a single thing again, making everyone suspicious that they just paid a ghostwriter to write the script and then put their names on it in order to launch their careers. They wouldn’t do that, would they?

Oh, dude! Liv Tyler. She is so hot. The one expression that she has in this movie is so awesome. I can’t wait until she gets to be in future movies, where she’ll portray more than one single expression for every emotion. She’ll do that, right?

Okay, I’m on. This is my moment. My time to shine! I’ve waited my whole life for this opportunity, and now I’m ready to—-wait a minute. Michael Bay is talking to the AD again and gesturing wildly. What’s he saying? Aw, f*ck. My part got cut. Looks like they’re just going to replace me with CGI and special effects. Well, there’s always the next Michael Bay movie I guess. I mean, he replaced me with special effects this time, but it’s not like he’s ever going to be completely over-reliant on CGI in the future, is he?