I'm so alone...so sad. I haven't seen my three kids in nearly two months and I miss them more than I can properly express. I am going through a tough time, a tough divorce, a tough life. I know it can get worse but at this point I feel all alone in the world. I can't see, talk, or even text my kids and I wonder what they are doing every moment of every day.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know how I got into this situation. I've spent most of my life doing everything I could to keep my family together, to love my entire family, to be the best dad and husband I could be. I failed as a husband and as proud as I've been at being an excellent father, none of it even matters anymore.

If I had cancer she would not have thrown me under the bus but since my illness was mental (and emotional) she tossed me out the door without a second thought. Yes I made mistakes but she has made her share and I have always forgiven her. That doesn't even matter anymore though. All that matters is getting better for my kids. I am getting better for my kids. I miss them so much.

Having your family breaking up is so difficult. I don't understand why you can't see, talk with or text your kids. Is this court ordered or your wife's idea? I would fight for your parental rights, and hire a mediator if need be to work out a solution. It also sounds like you need to be connected with a good Dr for your mental health and a good therapist to help you through this period of time. Hopefully, you have family and friends as support. I would encourage you to get out and be with people in every way you can. Going from a family of five to being alone is a huge adjustment, and you will have to make every effort and sometimes force yourself to get out and go places so you aren't alone and so depressed. If your mental health problems contributed to the breakup, vow to get help for yourself now, so your future will look brighter and your relationships with kids will be healthier. There is nothing wrong with seeking help for a health problem, mental or physical. Hopefully the restriction with your visitation will be short and temporary until the details are worked out. Try to establish a support system for yourself of family, friends, clergy (if applicable), Dr., therapist, and a "crisis plan" of actions you can take that will help you when you feel overwhelmed by sadness, anger or grief. Keep a "hotline" number available, usually found in phonebooks or online, for you to call if your support system falls through and no one is available when you need them. Trained counsellors answer these calls and are helpful in talking you through a crisis period. Please resist any urge to cope with this thru alcohol or substance use to "numb out" and not feel the pain. You must experience the pain to get past it, and the substances use will only magnify your problems tenfold.

The Following User Says Thank You to ladybud For This Useful Post:seven2030three (10-12-2012)

Having your family breaking up is so difficult. I don't understand why you can't see, talk with or text your kids. Is this court ordered or your wife's idea? I would fight for your parental rights, and hire a mediator if need be to work out a solution. It also sounds like you need to be connected with a good Dr for your mental health and a good therapist to help you through this period of time. Hopefully, you have family and friends as support. I would encourage you to get out and be with people in every way you can. Going from a family of five to being alone is a huge adjustment, and you will have to make every effort and sometimes force yourself to get out and go places so you aren't alone and so depressed. If your mental health problems contributed to the breakup, vow to get help for yourself now, so your future will look brighter and your relationships with kids will be healthier. There is nothing wrong with seeking help for a health problem, mental or physical. Hopefully the restriction with your visitation will be short and temporary until the details are worked out. Try to establish a support system for yourself of family, friends, clergy (if applicable), Dr., therapist, and a "crisis plan" of actions you can take that will help you when you feel overwhelmed by sadness, anger or grief. Keep a "hotline" number available, usually found in phonebooks or online, for you to call if your support system falls through and no one is available when you need them. Trained counsellors answer these calls and are helpful in talking you through a crisis period. Please resist any urge to cope with this thru alcohol or substance use to "numb out" and not feel the pain. You must experience the pain to get past it, and the substances use will only magnify your problems tenfold.

I agreed to a temporary restraining order that does not allow me to contact them for three months. However, apart of that agreement was that I would be allowed to see my kids a couple of hours per week. She has not honored her part of the agreement while I have.

I have never been addicted to anything. When I say I was sick, I was mentally sick. I found out my wife was having an affair (not the first time) and got pregnant. It was not possible for me to be the father (I had a visectomy years ago and was tested as having no sperm) I lost it. I found out from my medical doctor that I had a chemical imbalance caused by the severe stress and it resulted in a mental breakdown. I can't explain the exact term but I have been on medication since the end of August. I also have a counselor and a psychiatrist and I am working through some very tough times.

That being said...when I came down with this "sickness" I did some stupid things. We were having problems with a woman stalking my wife. We had gotten them to stop but when I broke down, things in my life broke down. Honestly, I don't even remember all that i did but I was charged with lying under oath. Seriously...I don't remember virtually anything that happened. The day that the cop took me in to be interviewed (my wife had already left because the cop had told her I did everything) I had taken an entire box of over-the-counter sleeping pills and i was totally out of it. I confessed to things that i did not do. the honest truth is that we were being stalked and I should not have admitted to most of what I admitted to. I don't even remember being booked or being in jail that first night. I was put on suicide watch but all I can remember was sleeping. It was the first time in my life that I was arrested and for sure the last.

So the reality is that now my wife thinks I did all these horrible things that I did not do. Yes, I did a few stupid things in a moment when I was mentally unstable, but not nearly what I'm being accused of and not of what she thinks. the cops just assume I did it all because of the stupid things I said when I was mentally unstable and under the influence of sleeping pills. They have virtually no evidence against me because i really didn't do anything!!! the very few stupid things I did, I did in the end and again I repeat I was not in my right mind. Like I said, if I had cancer, would that be a reason to kick me out and do everything she has done??? OF COURSE NOT! I was sick and she took the opportunity to toss me out to the wolves.

Her forgive me??? I still love her but she has done far, far, far worse to me than I ever have to her. I don't know if I can ever forgive her! All i want is to see my kids, love my kids, be with my kids.

it's crazy. I have a pretty important job and because of all this I was suspended for a while. they investigated and found that I had done nothing illegal. I've been back at work for several weeks now. they did more of an investigation than the local police did and they KNOW that I didn't do what i am being accused of. Yet, the local police and local district attorney don't care. they even talked to the investigators at my job and the people at my job told them they found nothing (I can't say what I do for a living but I was investigation and security is taken very seriously at my job). So a detailed investigation found nothing and my soon to be ex-wife takes the word of cops who dont want to look any further. They think that other woman stalking us was innocent now and that it was all me! it was not all me! I bet she will continue to be stalked in the future and now they can use me as a scape goat.

I know this all sounds crazy and complicated. I want to write more and maybe I will later on. I need to vent, i need to let it out. I love and miss my family terribly but I am getting better for myself.

I do not have a support system of family or friends but i do have my doctors and I feel so much better than I ever did before. I am getting healthier, mentally, emotionally, and physically and feel like a new man. I just wish I could be with my children.

The following user gives a hug of support to seven2030three:hopelessromance (10-12-2012)

What a crazy situation. I had to read it a couple of times to even understand what you are saying. So someone was stalking you guys and they stopped but you flipped out and kept it going? Is that what I'm reading? At least someone replies to what you write. I wrote something before you and opeople read it but no one has any advice to give me. I went to the social services office today to see if they can help me with a lawyer and they said no. Wht would you do if you were me?

If I were you I would keep working on myself and if you really were sick then i can understand where your coming from. really do get how bad it is to have someone cheat on you. I did the same thing and i cant live with myself sometimes. if someone cheated on me i might go all crazy too. that still doesnt mean someone should hit you so you better not have laid a finger on your ex.

its friday night and im sad looking at messageboards. what kind of life is that? no one ever even responds.

What a crazy situation. I had to read it a couple of times to even understand what you are saying. So someone was stalking you guys and they stopped but you flipped out and kept it going? Is that what I'm reading? At least someone replies to what you write. I wrote something before you and opeople read it but no one has any advice to give me. I went to the social services office today to see if they can help me with a lawyer and they said no. Wht would you do if you were me?

If I were you I would keep working on myself and if you really were sick then i can understand where your coming from. really do get how bad it is to have someone cheat on you. I did the same thing and i cant live with myself sometimes. if someone cheated on me i might go all crazy too. that still doesnt mean someone should hit you so you better not have laid a finger on your ex.

its friday night and im sad looking at messageboards. what kind of life is that? no one ever even responds.

If your wife is keeping your children from you, you need to go to the family court for enforcement. Take the court order that states that you have those hours per week to see your children, and they will provide you with help in seeing your children as ordered by the court.

As for your personal issues, I would continue to seek help from your doctors, and keep yourself clean and at work without any problems. Having a positive work history will go a long way in proving your ability to provide stable monetary support for yourself, and eventually your children.

While the months that have passed have obviously been very difficult for you, try and keep your mind on the future.

As far as the mistakes of your past, they are in the past. What really matters now, is your current and future actions.

Once you have shown you can be stable and are moving in a positive direction, you can petition the courts for better child custody arrangements. Make sure you are always there for your appointed visitation and make sure your wife also obliges with her court ordered visitation times with your children. If she does not make the children ready for you to visit, you can call the police to help facilitate the transfer of the children to you. Keep your court orders handy to prove your right to see your children. The courts look poorly on parents who deny their children the right to see their non custodial parents.

What a crazy situation. I had to read it a couple of times to even understand what you are saying. So someone was stalking you guys and they stopped but you flipped out and kept it going? Is that what I'm reading? At least someone replies to what you write. I wrote something before you and opeople read it but no one has any advice to give me. I went to the social services office today to see if they can help me with a lawyer and they said no. Wht would you do if you were me?

If I were you I would keep working on myself and if you really were sick then i can understand where your coming from. really do get how bad it is to have someone cheat on you. I did the same thing and i cant live with myself sometimes. if someone cheated on me i might go all crazy too. that still doesnt mean someone should hit you so you better not have laid a finger on your ex.

its friday night and im sad looking at messageboards. what kind of life is that? no one ever even responds.

I can’t really talk about what happened. I want to but I don’t want to make things worse.
The fact of the matter is that a lot of people think I did things that I didn’t do. No, I was not perfect. Yes, I did do some stupid things. But it’s nothing like most people think. I went into a police station one morning having not slept for three days and having taken over two dozen over the counter sleeping pills the night before. I needed to sleep so I took them. They weren’t enough to get me to sleep because I was so worried. When the officer brought in a second investigator to interview me, I barely even remember talking to them. I can’t honestly tell you that I remember most of our conversation. I confessed to things that I did not do. For instance, I got my hands on some ******** posts that were damning for some people and when they asked me where I got them, instead of telling them where, I just said I made it up. I figured at that point that I was already in deep trouble and there was no reason to throw anybody else under the bus. It would have just made things worse anyway. At that moment, I had given up. I figured I’d just say whatever they wanted me to say and just quit. I honestly don’t even remember being booked into jail. I was told weeks later that they took fingerprints and pictures of me for some criminal database. I don’t remember any of it. I don’t remember any of the first day.
However, I do remember the second day. When I woke up I asked the guard if I could talk to those officers. I told the guard that I said things that I didn’t mean and should not have said. He told me it was best for me to just shut up, not say anything else, and wait until I got a lawyer. He said that anything I said would be used against me and it never ends well when you try to take things back after the fact. I didn’t know what to do so I just shut up and sat there. It’s been dang near two months later and I still haven’t told my fair side of the story to anyone. Not to any lawyer, not to my family, not to anyone. I’m afraid. I’m lost. I’m all alone.

The reality is that I am a damn good father and I was a good husband. My soon to be ex might call me crazy for saying that but I took care of her with every fiber of my being for nearly 18 years. I loved her despite the fact that I knew she didn’t love me. I loved her despite the fact that I knew she had cheated on me. I stayed with her and still loved her even though I knew she was carrying somebody elses baby and I supported whatever decision she chose to make with that baby. But that choice cost me mentally and emotionally…cost me dearly. I lost myself. I don’t remember much about the last six months. I know I did some stupid things that I will regret for the rest of my life but I didn’t mean to hurt my wife and I certainly didn’t mean to hurt my kids. I wish I could take it all back. I would sacrifice every bit of me if it meant the pain that I caused my family would go away.

I’m much better now. I took a battery of drugs that put me back in chemical balance and I see therapists and will likely be on a drug regimen for the rest of my life. It’s okay though because the fears, the pain, the loneliness that haunted me for the majority of my life isn’t there anymore. I feel like I new man. The only thing missing is my family. I wish I could have them all back but I would be elated if I could just see my kids. I can’t even drive down the street without seeing a restaurant we used to go to, a store we used to shop at, a memory that will never go away. I used to take them on mini-vacations. We didn’t have a lot of money so we would take 1-2 day trips around our area. We’d swim, we’d eat, we’d shop. 99 percent of the time I never bought anything for myself…but I made damn sure that my wife and kids had everything they needed, everything they wanted.

Hell, when I got out of jail (I hate even typing that) my ex cleaned out my bank account, and our rent check had bounced and I had two pay-day loans that I had taken out so that we could afford all the kids school clothes and all of the things that my family needed. So the day I got out of jail I had negative $3,000 in my bank account. I found out that same day that I was suspended from my job and that I had nowhere to go. It was the lowest point of my life but something got me through.

Since then I have attempted to bounce back and done a decent job of it. Like I said, I got my job back. It was no joke to get it back. They did a detailed investigation. I wish the local cops paid ½ as much attention as the people at my job who did the investigation. The locals just wanted someone to blame and they wanted the case to be put to rest and I was an easy scapegoat…after all, I wasn’t entirely innocent. Better to let me take the blame for all of it then to realize the truth of the situation. I’ve even continued to pay my families bills…most of them at least. They don’t even know it but I paid the phones (for my kids), electric, water, cable, insurance. I was going to pay for my wifes car but I was told she did that. The only thing I couldn’t pay was the rent (and food of course) because I didn’t have enough money. It wasn’t easy paying back $3,000 owed to the bank.

Dang…I look at what I’m writing and it’s all just a rant. I feel a little better putting it down on paper…at least I can do that since I can’t talk to anybody about it. I miss my family. I can’t say that enough. Sometimes I want to quit…I want to just get up and move away. There are six jobs opening up in the next couple of months in Seattle that I can take that I will get…I need to get these charges cleared up…I don’t need them dropped, just need to get them finished one way or the other. Since my ex will probably not even try to let me see my kids or give a second thought to the reality that maybe I didn’t do what she thinks I did…maybe she should realize that I sacrificed a lot to love her. That I sacrified a lot for her for a long time…and that she just dumped me in a ditch when I was SICK…when I needed her the most. She won’t though. She will hold the kids from me and hate me forever. Why should I stick around to be reminded of what I lost. I think I’ll just take the job in Seattle and try to move on with my life. It’s better than trying to hold on to something that will never happen, that will never be the same.
I wish I could tell the world the truth. I wish my family could see and understand the truth. I didn’t do 99 percent of what I’m accused of and the stupid things I did do was during a time when I was sick. I am a damn good man, I know it. I wish others did as well.

The following user gives a hug of support to seven2030three:writeleft (10-17-2012)

Why cant you have contact with your kids? Just because your wife and you hate each other doesnt mean she can keep them from you and vice versa. im going through that right now and i still let my ex see my kids even though hes a terrible father and doesnt pay child support or even care. If you just give up and leave to another city then you arent the great dad you say you are. your story is sad. I read it a couple of times and i believe you. I dont know why I do but its too crazy to not be true. but I dont think you should leave your kids and move away. you would be hurting yourself and your kids and maybe even your ex wife.,

I can’t see them because I have a restraining order against me. I can’t even have family members call to check on them or I will get in trouble. So for the first time in close to two decades, I have no idea what my beloved family is doing. I legally can’t do anything about it. I was stupid to agree to the temporary restraining order. At the time I already had the proof of my medical condition, I had the proof that I was sterile (no sperm to make a baby) and I could show that when I admitted to what I did that I wasn’t in my right mind and I didn’t do anything nearly as bad as I was accused of. I should’ve fought the fight on that day for my children but instead I listened to everybody else and just went with what I was offered. Everybody told me that they had my best interest in their minds and that anything that I said would be used against me and even if I was telling the truth, nobody would believe me and nobody would care. All of my family called me and claimed they would be there. They all said that the time would fly by and that I had done all I could do for my family and I needed to just let it go and let what family I had left take care of me. The funny part is that none of these people have called me in over a month and the aunt that I’m living with, while she is a great person, it’s getting old. Her creepy boyfriend clearly doesn’t want me here. In the past month he probably hasn’t said more than four words to me…he is so strange. I wish I could leave right now but I don’t have anywhere else to go. I wasted money on a terrible lawyer who didn’t help me at all and encouraged me not to fight for my kids. Now I’m paying back the loan for her, still paying back the pay-day loans I took out for my family before all this started and paying off some other bills forcefully (don’t ask).
I felt pretty good this morning…I went to work for a little while and worked out at our gym and then decided to go to a movie. I had a free ticket and I used to love going to the movies. I pulled up and looked at the movies showing. The only things that would go through my mind was which movies my kids would want to go to and which kid I’d take to which movie…I miss having my daughter sit on my lap at the movies. I miss sitting on the couch with my family, eating dinner, and talking about our day…joking around. I ended up going “home” instead of going to a movie which isn’t really home but just a room I sleep in. I watched boring TV, took a couple of sleeping pills to help me take a nap, and wrote in an online journal kind of like I’m doing here.
So screw it, why shouldn’t I look for other jobs??? I called to see if I could see my kids every other day for over a month and nobody would help me. NOBODY!!! Clearly no one gives a crap if I see my kids or not and like my family said, I’ve done all I can already and I just need to let it all go. I realized something earlier…through this entire ordeal, I’m never going to get to tell my side of the story…the real side of the story. I can’t tell my ex…she wouldn’t believe me anyway. She thinks she knows everything because the local cops put it all on me…they really didn’t look any further, they just wanted to get this thing closed. I’ll never tell my kids…they have had enough stress to deal with and I learned my lesson about involving them. If I do get to see them my only goal would be to tell them how much I love them, support them, help them be good people. I’ll never tell them our story because it wouldn’t help them…only hurt them, and I don’t want them to hurt anymore. I won’t be able to tell it in court. If I ever get a lawyer I already know he will advice me not to testify and encourage me to take what ever deal they offer so we don’t go to court. I’ll end up getting screwed with the courts, screwed with my divorce, and my story will be lost for eternity. So why shouldn’t I start new?

I also came to another realization today…I realized that as much as I loved my wife for as long as I did…she never loved me. She needed me so she stayed because she felt like she had no choice. She never cared about my day, my life, or me at all. She wouldn’t care right now if she knew that I was actually sick and not an a-hole…she would just call me a liar and tell me how much she hates me. I don’t blame her. She has a right to feel anyway she wants and I should’ve realized the first time she cheated on me that she didn’t love me. I should’ve let her go then…let her be what she wanted to be. I thought that was what I was doing though. I encouraged her to be whatever she wanted to be for as long as I could. She jumped from job idea to job idea and I encouraged her every step of the way. Heck, before all heck broke loose a couple of months ago I was trying to get her a job with me. Why would I do that if I was doing all the things I was accused of??? Easy answer, I wouldn’t!!! Why would I stay even knowing that I wasn’t her babies father if I didn’t love her more than anything in the world? Well…I guess I stayed because I was chemically imbalanced, but also because she was the love of my life. My children were the loves of my life.
At this point I’m done trying. I’ll do what the courts tell me to do and I will move forward with my life. If that makes me a bad person then so be it. If you really knew my story, if you really knew my heart and my mind, you would know that I truly loved…I truly took care of them…I truly did the best I could even when I was sick. From this point on I’m going to be the best man I can for me. I’m not going to depend on a family that has never been there or anybody else. I am going to depend on myself because I am strong enough mentally to not let myself down again.

Why cant you have contact with your kids? Just because your wife and you hate each other doesnt mean she can keep them from you and vice versa. im going through that right now and i still let my ex see my kids even though hes a terrible father and doesnt pay child support or even care. If you just give up and leave to another city then you arent the great dad you say you are. your story is sad. I read it a couple of times and i believe you. I dont know why I do but its too crazy to not be true. but I dont think you should leave your kids and move away. you would be hurting yourself and your kids and maybe even your ex wife.,

I can’t see them because I have a restraining order against me. I can’t even have family members call to check on them or I will get in trouble. So for the first time in close to two decades, I have no idea what my beloved family is doing. I legally can’t do anything about it. I was stupid to agree to the temporary restraining order. At the time I already had the proof of my medical condition, I had the proof that I was sterile (no sperm to make a baby) and I could show that when I admitted to what I did that I wasn’t in my right mind and I didn’t do anything nearly as bad as I was accused of. I should’ve fought the fight on that day for my children but instead I listened to everybody else and just went with what I was offered. Everybody told me that they had my best interest in their minds and that anything that I said would be used against me and even if I was telling the truth, nobody would believe me and nobody would care. All of my family called me and claimed they would be there. They all said that the time would fly by and that I had done all I could do for my family and I needed to just let it go and let what family I had left take care of me. The funny part is that none of these people have called me in over a month and the aunt that I’m living with, while she is a great person, it’s getting old. Her creepy boyfriend clearly doesn’t want me here. In the past month he probably hasn’t said more than four words to me…he is so strange. I wish I could leave right now but I don’t have anywhere else to go. I wasted money on a terrible lawyer who didn’t help me at all and encouraged me not to fight for my kids. Now I’m paying back the loan for her, still paying back the pay-day loans I took out for my family before all this started and paying off some other bills forcefully (don’t ask).
I felt pretty good this morning…I went to work for a little while and worked out at our gym and then decided to go to a movie. I had a free ticket and I used to love going to the movies. I pulled up and looked at the movies showing. The only things that would go through my mind was which movies my kids would want to go to and which kid I’d take to which movie…I miss having my daughter sit on my lap at the movies. I miss sitting on the couch with my family, eating dinner, and talking about our day…joking around. I ended up going “home” instead of going to a movie which isn’t really home but just a room I sleep in. I watched boring TV, took a couple of sleeping pills to help me take a nap, and wrote in an online journal kind of like I’m doing here.
So screw it, why shouldn’t I look for other jobs??? I called to see if I could see my kids every other day for over a month and nobody would help me. NOBODY!!! Clearly no one gives a crap if I see my kids or not and like my family said, I’ve done all I can already and I just need to let it all go. I realized something earlier…through this entire ordeal, I’m never going to get to tell my side of the story…the real side of the story. I can’t tell my ex…she wouldn’t believe me anyway. She thinks she knows everything because the local cops put it all on me…they really didn’t look any further, they just wanted to get this thing closed. I’ll never tell my kids…they have had enough stress to deal with and I learned my lesson about involving them. If I do get to see them my only goal would be to tell them how much I love them, support them, help them be good people. I’ll never tell them our story because it wouldn’t help them…only hurt them, and I don’t want them to hurt anymore. I won’t be able to tell it in court. If I ever get a lawyer I already know he will advice me not to testify and encourage me to take what ever deal they offer so we don’t go to court. I’ll end up getting screwed with the courts, screwed with my divorce, and my story will be lost for eternity. So why shouldn’t I start new?

I also came to another realization today…I realized that as much as I loved my wife for as long as I did…she never loved me. She needed me so she stayed because she felt like she had no choice. She never cared about my day, my life, or me at all. She wouldn’t care right now if she knew that I was actually sick and not an a-hole…she would just call me a liar and tell me how much she hates me. I don’t blame her. She has a right to feel anyway she wants and I should’ve realized the first time she cheated on me that she didn’t love me. I should’ve let her go then…let her be what she wanted to be. I thought that was what I was doing though. I encouraged her to be whatever she wanted to be for as long as I could. She jumped from job idea to job idea and I encouraged her every step of the way. Heck, before all heck broke loose a couple of months ago I was trying to get her a job with me. Why would I do that if I was doing all the things I was accused of??? Easy answer, I wouldn’t!!! Why would I stay even knowing that I wasn’t her babies father if I didn’t love her more than anything in the world? Well…I guess I stayed because I was chemically imbalanced, but also because she was the love of my life. My children were the loves of my life.

At this point I’m done trying. I’ll do what the courts tell me to do and I will move forward with my life. If that makes me a bad person then so be it. If you really knew my story, if you really knew my heart and my mind, you would know that I truly loved…I truly took care of them…I truly did the best I could even when I was sick. From this point on I’m going to be the best man I can for me. I’m not going to depend on a family that has never been there or anybody else. I am going to depend on myself because I am strong enough mentally to not let myself down again.

I hope this dont sound weird but Ive been waiting for your reply. You are a good writer and I can feel your feelings when I read your words. Where are you at? I'm in Shreveport, LA how about you? If you want, send me a private message instead of talking online. Maybe we can support each other to get out of all these hard times. Its sad that you dont have any family or friends to support you and you cant see your kids.

The following user gives a hug of support to hopelessromance:seven2030three (10-14-2012)

The Following User Says Thank You to hopelessromance For This Useful Post:seven2030three (10-14-2012)

I hope this dont sound weird but Ive been waiting for your reply. You are a good writer and I can feel your feelings when I read your words. Where are you at? I'm in Shreveport, LA how about you? If you want, send me a private message instead of talking online. Maybe we can support each other to get out of all these hard times. Its sad that you dont have any family or friends to support you and you cant see your kids.

Thank you for the kind words. I would rather not say where I am at. I don't want to risk anything. I guess I'm not all alone. I got a couple of friends that I've been able to rely on a little bit lately. One of them just got married and had a baby so he hasn't had that much time and the other is a new friend that is actually an old friend but we are getting to know each other better as friends. She is the one that encouraged me to write on these messageboards, to get my thoughts written down so that i will feel better. I'd say I've had mixed results. When I write these long posts I almost always start crying...no, I always start crying. But I do feel a little better afterward. They also help me realize a few things that I hadn't realized before.

I am sorry that you are in the situation you are in. I've read your other posts and I hope things get better for you. I will private message you to show you support since you are showing me support. I think I'm done with these messageboards though. No disrespect to you but I was hoping for more interaction, more conversation, more ideas and thoughts. It's okay though, I think I've come to a solid idea of what I'm going to do with my future. Like I said, I'm going to keep working on me and let everything else play out. I'm not going to worry about the courts or begging for scraps from people anymore. I think I got this. Have a good night sleep, things will be better tomorrow.

--Yesterday my life was heading in one direction and today in another—

I had that within a movie trailer recently and it really got me thinking…This is very true for me. Yesterday (not literally of course, metaphorically) I had a wife that I loved with all my heart, three kids that meant the world to me and who I knew would always be there for me, a good house, pets, a great job…I had what one would consider the typical suburban family. I had the family that both my wife and I were denied growing up and for the most part, I thought it was great. But overnight, it all went away.

I’ve had a lot of epiphanies lately, I a lot of time to reflect and look back on my life…my mistakes…my regrets…my accomplishments…everything. I regret that I wasn’t always the perfect husband. I regret that during the early part of my relationship that I had a temper. I learned to control my temper and over the last ½ decade or so, I feel strongly that I am in control of it. I regret that as a youngster I was immature and controlling of my partner. I loved her but the cheating left me with little trust. I felt that I was moving in the right direction before all this mess occurred. I rarely questioned where she went; I didn’t tell her what to spend our money on or who to be friends with. Sometimes I expressed my concerns, but I tried to do so respectfully and with an ear to her side. I doubt that I did enough to appease her in this department but I never held her back like I’m sure she thinks I did.

My main regret is that it took me so long to realize that I wasn’t ever right for her. She never loved me, she just stuck with me to try and save her family and have a family. She might’ve thought she loved me at some point, but I realized recently that it was never true love. As stupid as it sounds…I truly loved her. She will never forgive me for some of the dumb things I did in our relationship and she will always blame me for things that I didn’t do…I’ll never be able to show her the truth about the situation. But despite all that she has done to me…all the lies, the cheating, the drugs…I still love her. I can’t say that I forgive her, but I can say that I love her. It might not make sense but it is the truth.

You might ask why I’m writing all this??? I guess it’s another therapeutic exercise but it’s also an affirmation, a realization. I now understand that I was never loved by her, that it was never real. I now understand that I am heading in another NEW direction. I did my best to be the best father, husband, provider, care-giver, lover, friend possible and it wasn’t good enough for her. Now I must move on. Now I have moved on. My tears won’t stop, my sadness won’t stop, my need for medication and psychiatric support won’t stop. But what will top is my hope for a future with the one I love. What will stop is my love for that person. What will happen is that I am finally ready to move on. I’ve survived hell on earth since I was a baby and none of it has prepared me for the pain I’ve felt over the last couple of months and I don’t look forward to the pain I am going to have to endure in the future. But I am going to do it with the goal, with the knowing fact, that I am a new man, in a new direction. I will not fight court battles, or beg for visitation, or continue to pander to other peoples desires or wills. I will focus on myself and my emotional and mental well-being. I will be what I felt I could be as a young teenager growing up…back then I just knew I was better than the circumstances I was living in and that I would do something about it. Well…the sleeper has finally awakened. My eyes are closed no more. Whatever happens with my civil and criminal cases will not define me. What will define me is what I say defines me. If that means moving to Seattle, then that’s what I’ll do. I had an interesting talk with someone about a potentially great job offer in Australia. 18-24 months on the other side of the world doing something better for the world. That sounds fantastic to me.

So to all the lonely, sad, lost people coming to this board looking for advice…looking for help…not knowing what to do. I write this to you. No one can define you. No one circumstance can ruin your life. No matter what happens, life will go on. You are in control of yourself even if you aren’t always in control of your situation. Strength isn’t always measured the same way and as crazy as it sounds…time makes a difference and we all can make a difference for ourselves. If you can’t see your kids, it’s not the end of the world. If you did your best then you did your best. If your husband or wife cheated on you that is there loss. If they left you because you were sick…that is there loss. If you don’t think you can do better and you feel like you will be alone for the rest of your life…that simply isn’t true. For one, being alone isn’t as bad as you think it is and for two, if the person who left you or who you are leaving doesn’t want to be with you…let it go…let it go…let it go. Give yourself a chance to be happy with yourself and happiness will find you. It only makes sense because if you are happy with yourself, what else do you need? Someone truly happy, confident, self-aware is someone I want to meet and someone I want to be. Peace and love my fellow travelers.

The following user gives a hug of support to seven2030three:hopelessromance (10-16-2012)

Your words make me happy and sad all together. I want to cry but I want to laugh. You didn't send me that private message like you said above. Are you going to? I dont know how to respond to your writing, it's very real and feels honestly sad. I'm sorry for your everything you have gone through. I understand and can relate.

PS; I dont have to worry about losing my kids at all now. My husband got stopped last night on a DUI and is in jail. He had a loaded gun in the passenger seat when he was stopped. crazy.