Not Hi-Fiving Kim Jong-un Was Biggest Mistake of My Life

Before his execution, Choe Yong Gon penned this letter.

(Photo by KIM KYUNG-HOON / Getty)

I’m Choe Yong Gon and I was Vice President of North Korea. I’m currently waiting to be executed and I deserve it. Two weeks ago, while watching the Hunger Games at the imperial palace with Kim Jong-un, the eternal leader remarked that he had engaged in intercourse with Jennifer Lawrence. He then immediately reached his hand out, looking for a hi-five. I was skeptical and refused and it was the biggest mistake of my life.

Why do I regret this decision? Is it because I am about to be executed in an over-the-top brutal way? No, I welcome death now. I regret the decision because I allowed jealousy to cloud my heart and brain and believe that Kim Jong-un, the cutest bowl cut this side of Bangkok, was lying about having sex with an American movie star.

Why would he lie about something like that? Why did I think it was unfeasible for him to “fly a jet pack to the oscars and get head from Jennifer Lawrence while Marisa Tomei was fixing her makeup in the mirror?” The great leader would never deceive me or anyone else. He merely wanted to share a secret with me. I spurned his friendship so now I must die.

I am so happy that my wise, just, handsome, leader with a very large penis allowed me this opportunity to address the world one last time before I’m executed via a grenade being placed in my butt. Long Live Kim Jung-un! I’m sorry it had to end this way, but I totally deserve it.

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