The Girl Who Slept Too Little

Marge: Whatever happened to “please” and “thank you”?Homer: I think they killed each other. You know, one of those murder-suicide deals.

Homer: Don’t be surprised if a snuggle monster shows up.Marge: Well I hope he’s accompanied by the “How was your day” monster and the foot rub monster and the “Let me just—”Homer: Don’t worry, he’s not showing up.

Milhouse of Sand and Fog

Marge: Homer, don’t touch her. You’ve never had chicken pox.Homer: I know and you did. And you’re great.Marge: No, I’m just saying it’s very dangerous if you get it as an adult. It could leave you sterile. Down there.Homer: You always gotta work blue, doncha Marge? You’re better than that.

Homer: Of all the people for Marge to cheat on, why did it have to be me?

Marge: Oh boy, I’m beat. If you want to return a melon to the grocery store, clear your day.

Lisa: If you don’t tell Mom what you did, I will.Bart: Oh come on. Wouldn’t it be easier if our parents divorced and you compensated by marrying much older men? Meanwhile I’ll be one of those weird guys who’s thirty-five and shows up at high school basketball games.

Treehouse of Horror XVI

Kang: This is the most boring game in the Universe!Kodos: And with all the steroids they take the players look like freaks.

Lisa: I hate going to the zoo. I feel so sorry for the animals.Homer: Lisa, the zoo opens up a whole new world for the animals. In the wild, they would never experience boredom, obesity, loss of purpose. You know, the American Dream!

Robot: Tell me, young man, what is it like to have feelings?Bart: I said I’m human, not a girl.

Lisa: Dad, Dad! Wake up! You’re not a robot. You’re just possessed by the Devil.

Bart: No fair! Dad gets to shoot wild animals. But I kill one bird and I have to go to a psychiatrist.Marge: Mm. He still thinks that hobo was a bird.

Announcer: You’re watching the World Series of Manslaughter. Most violent TV spectacle since the Image Hip Hop Awards.

The Last of the Red Hot Mamas

Tammy (Lily Tomlin): How ’bout that wind! I don’t know how you keep your hair so perfect.Marge: Johnson’s Water Seal.Tammy: My name’s Tammy. And these are my friends. The Cheery Red Tomatoes.

Homerlaughing: Marge? In a gang! What are you going to do, shoot me with a frosting gun? Seriously. I would love that.

Homer: Marge, I wanted to save you from the cops but the cops followed me. Game over, man! Game, over!

The Italian Bob

Bart: What’s with the Canadian flag on your backpack?Lisa: Well… some people in Europe have the impression that America has made some stupid choices in the past, oh, five years. So for the next week I’m from Canada.

Homer: Stupid Italy. Wish you’d never been unified by Victor Emmanuel II. If only you’d stayed a loose confederation of city-states trading with each other and occasionally warring.

Homer: Why can’t you people learn to speak my language? I learned to eat your food.

We’re on the Road to D’ohwhere

Principal Skinner: Hm. That’s odd. I only turn the heat on for Parents Night.

Principal Skinner: They use a proven concept: tough hate. To turn around foul-mouthed hooligans. Then they send them home, quietly ticking away.

Bart: Dad, if you take me to Vegas I’ll teach you how to cheat at blackjack.Homer: Boy, you don’t need to cheat when you’ve got a system.Bart: What’s your system?Homer: I don’t tell your mother how much I’ve lost.

Homer: One child to Portland. He’s your problem now!Ticketing Agent: It seems he was our problem before. Your son is on the no-fly list.

Pilot: Welcome to Atlanta. Please keep your seatbelt fastened until we have come to a complete stop.Bart: Nobody tells Bart Simpson what to do! {unfastens seat belt}Pilot: Thanks a lot, 38C. Now we all have to go back to Minneapolis. And I’m very tired.

Bart: Where’s the old carefree Homer that likes to cut loose?Homer: You mean Fun Homer? I’m afraid Serious Homer has him locked up ’til you’re at your snooty torture camp.

Homer: I’ll have the Smiley Face breakfast special. But could you add a bacon nose? Plus bacon hair. Bacon mustache. Five o’clock shadow made of bacon bits. And a bacon body.Skobo’s Waitress: How ’bout if I just shoved a pig down your throat. {Homer sounds interested} I’m kidding.Homer: Fine! But the bacon man lives in a bacon house!Skobo’s Waitress: No he doesn’t!

Otto: Oh wow. Drugs in a bottle. I feel like Elvis Presley.

My Fair Laddy

Marge: Sweetie, if someone’s bullying you, you should tell your teacher.Bart: But it’s the teacher who’s bullying me.Marge: Well tell your regular bully. He won’t like it one bit.

Marge: Would you like to spend the night with us?Willie: I don’ need your charity! As long as I’ve got a pan over me head.Marge: That’s not a pan. It’s a colander.Willie: Ah, so that’s where all me soup went.

Marge: Homey, what’s that? On the back of your head?Homer: It’s called headvertising. It creates brand awareness without relying on traditional media.Marge: Well it creeps me out. {Homer turns off the light} Wow. It glows in the dark.Homer confused: It’s not supposed to.

Moe: Barney, how do you keep getting back in?Barney: I’m a drunk. I don’t know nothin’ about how I do anything.

Moe: Listen boozebags, I got a good thing going here. If you mess it up I will out the one of you that is gay!

Burns: Oh. The sheep was no danger at all. I sacrificed my gorgeous body for nothing. This must be what it’s like to have a baby.

Bart Has Two Mommies

Reverend Lovejoy: This fundraiser is close to achieving the Lord’s goal. Building a taller steeple than the one on that snooty Episcopal church across the street.Marge: Reverend, why do we really need this?Reverend Lovejoy: To compensate for my own sense of smallness.

Charles (Ricky Gervais): Marge, I love you. And I can tell by your basic level of courtesy that you love me too.Marge: What? No!

Million Dollar Abie

I will not flip the classroom upside down

Homer: You’re a useless old man! Name one thing you do for this family.Grampa: I watch the baby.Marge: Where is the baby?Grampa: You left me with a baby?!

Dr. Egoyan: I am so honored that you’ve chosen me to murder you.

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore

Lenny: Does this mean we’re losing our job?Mr. Burns: No no. Your jobs are safe. They’ll just be done by someone else in another country.

Richard Dean Anderson to Selma and Patty: You’re into MacGuyver? That show was so stupid. “Oh, I’m MacGuyver! I can make a bomb out of a banana peel and a toaster!” That show was just a paycheck to me and nothing more.

Homer: This isn’t India! Where’s the University of Notre Dame? The Indy 500? Wrigley Field? Dodger Dogs?Traveler: You ignorant American. You have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers.

Selma: MacGuyver lives! And not just at 2am on the USA Network.

Richard Dean Anderson: Okay, here’s the plan: you lock me in the trunk of a car and park it under the pier at low tide. All I need are these everyday objects: a nail file, a Farmer’s Almanack, a gun with no bullets, some bullets, and three of my MacGuyver writers.

Burns: No office talk. I’m floating down the Ganges with my new chums.Smithers: Those are corpses.Burns: You never liked my friends.

Richard Dean Anderson: Welcome home! Guess who made MacGuyver burgers? MacGuyver.Patty: We didn’t have any ground beef.Richard Dean Anderson: Yeah, but you did have Slim Jims, a cheese grater and rubber bands to hold it all together.Selma: We gotta get rid of this kook.

The Wettest Stories Ever Told

Sea Captain: Perhaps an old sea yarn might pass the time. Too bad I don’t know any.Lisa: I know one! About the most important sea voyage in American history. The journey of the Mayflower.Sea Captain: Ah yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America.Lisa: Not prostitutes! Protestants!Sea Captain: Now who’s being naive?

Homer (captaining the Mayflower): Don’t worry, Marge! I’ll see to it you fundamentalist Christians live to take over all of America by the 21st century!

Ned Flandish: I just thought of a name for where we’re going. New England!Willie: Oh, that’s real creative! What do you call your foot? New hand?

Willie: I’m warnin’ ya, Captain. Push this crew too far and there’ll be mutiny.Captain Bly: Mutiny? On the Bounty? What have you been smoking?Willie: Opium.

Girls Just Want to Have Sums

Lisa: I can’t wait to see this re-imagining of Itchy & Scratchy by avant garde director Juliana Krellner.Homer: Hey, it say here the “book” was written by Tom Stoppard.

Lindsay Naegle: You’re a worse version of Hitler!

Nelson: Ha ha! The principal’s a tranny.

Otto: Girls Entrance! Have an empowering day, my pony-loving leaders of tomorrow. {the girls exit} Alright, I’m gonna open this cage. But no biting!Nelson: You’re not the boss of my teeth.

Marge: …Since then, I haven’t been able to do any of the Calculus I’ve encountered in my daily life.

Bart: No one with a choice should ever have to be a girl. I’ll teach you how to be a boy.Lisa: You would do that for me? That is so sweet.Bart: You’re a boy. Nothing is sweet. {kicks Lisa in the leg}.Lisa: Ow! That hurt.Bart: Sweet.