1. Love triangles. To name a few: Bella, Edward, and Jacob. Buffy, Angel, and Spike. Sookie, Bill, and Eric. Elena, Stefan, and Damon. Jessica, Eric, and Hoyt (reverse vampire and gender roles in that one). If you're a woman in a piece of vampire-related entertainment and you don't have at least two gorgeous men fighting over you, you're doing it wrong.

2. All of the relevant vampires find magical loopholes that allow them to walk in daylight. Whether it's a special ring or the totally insane lie that sunlight causes sparkle fever instead of spontaneous combustion, there is always a convenient way to prevent lovestruck humans from having to venture out in the wee hours to see their undead paramours. Children of the night, my ass.

3. Werewolves. As the mortal enemies of vampires, you would think that lycanthropes might have learned where the vampires hang out and then just not go there, but no. Maybe the werewolves are just mad that their movies and shows never do very well (except Teen Wolf, he's chill), so they're constantly sticking around to piggyback off the vampires' success.

4. Self-conscious heroines. They're so convinced they're plain and boring, but they're actually effing gorgeous. If you want to date a vampire, you better hope you emerged from your mother's womb fully formed as the "after" scene in She's All That.

5. Weird, semi-gruesome sex scenes. Do all vampires everywhere really like it rough, with a side of blood-wallowing? Surely sometimes they're just like, "You know, I could really go for some vanilla missionary sex tonight. And maybe we'll cuddle after."

6. An evil vampire who is way hotter than the good vampire. Eric Northman > Bill Compton. Damon Salvatore > Stefan Salvatore. If the vampire in question actively wants to kill you, he's automatically 20 times hotter than the one who just eats small woodland creatures for breakfast. It's science.

7. A put-upon best-friend whose sole purpose is listening to the heroine complain about her possibly violent vampire boyfriend. This a slight variation of the rom-com best friend/doormat, but with more blood and the imminent possibility that the friend will turn into some sort of supernatural creature before the season is over.

8. Small towns. Vampire colonizations, like alien abductions, can only happen in tiny wooded hamlets in the middle of nowhere. There are fewer potential witnesses, and more creepy old mansions to serve as perfect hideouts. Also, if a vampire tried to seduce you in an urban area, you'd probably just think he was a mugger or a frotteur. But in the country, he suddenly becomes an exotic outsider with a dark past. See what he did there?

9. A benevolent father/mother figure who ends up a casualty. Even if they don't physically die, they undergo some sort of deep emotional trauma at the hands of their thankless child who deserted them to love a vampire (looking at you, Charlie Swan).