Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Worship Casual

There is a longstanding debate over what constitutes proper
church attire. Many of us were raised with the idea that you wore your “Sunday
best” out of respect for the Lord. It would be unthinkable to enter a house of
worship wearing sandals or a pair of shorts. Many modern churches have adopted
a “come as you are” policy that attempts to place the emphasis on worship
rather than wardrobe.White Tail Chapel
in Southhampton, Virginia has avoided any potentially divisive stance by not
requiring clothing at all.

Pastor Allen Parker says he came to the idea of nude worship
after concluding that the clothing requirements of other churches were
pretentious and encouraged materialism. He points out that many of the most
pivotal moments in scripture featured nudity. From the debut of Adam and Eve in
Genesis to the resurrection of Christ in the Gospels, Pastor Parker reminds us
that the Bible features many a birthday suit. The church even performs and
encourages nude weddings where the bride, groom, and attendees are encouraged
to put it all out there.

While the minister chooses to deliver his sermons in the
buff, others simply expose their breasts or genitals. White Tail Chapel
even has several regular attendees that dress traditionally. Worshippers insist
that the clothing-optional policy is not a distraction and everyone is more
concerned with hearing the word of the Lord than analyzing the bodies of other
members.

First of all, I
checked several news sources because a story about a demographically-Caucasian
nudist church named “White Tail Chapel” just seemed too good to be true.
However, it would appear that Pastor Allen Parker and the members of his flock
are true believers. The biggest issue I had were the people that chose to
simply “take out their genitals” in lieu of actual nudity.Maybe I operate on a lower spiritual plane,
but I would think such an act would be more distracting than just going full
monty. Rather than fellowshipping, I would spend the entire sermon wondering
what kind of person whips out his frank and beans but is too modest to unbutton
his shirt?

It was also unclear if the service begins with nudity or
there is an appropriate time specified in the bulletin where disrobing is
expected. I can imagine the choir director standing up and saying, “If you will
all turn to page 567 in your hymnals, unbutton your blouses, and sing the first
three stanzas of How Firm a Foundation.” My luck I would probably show up and
be halfway out of my pants before someone leaned over and informed me that they
stay fully-dressed on Palm Sunday.

I would imagine that one of the many challenges of a nudist
church is the offertory. Attendees have a built-in excuse for not carrying cash
and you wouldn’t want to be seated at the end of the pew while the usher is
standing there waiting on the offering plate. Communion could get dicey (especially
if your congregation favors intinction) and youth trips would need twice the
amount of chaperones.

Despite the obvious pitfalls of naked church, there are
several upsides. It is unlikely that anyone would challenge you for your usual
seat once your nether parts have become acquainted with the cushion and you
wouldn’t have to constantly ask Brother Dave how his surgical scars are
healing. Money could be saved on choir robes and separate restroom facilities
would be unnecessary.

The weddings would be an entirely different issue. I can
think of only a few places my best man could have stored the ring until it made
its ceremonial debut and I would rather not bear witness to its retrieval. Also,
dripping wax from the unity candle could cause some rather debilitating
injuries to the happy couple. Either way, I believe the prospect of being
walked down the aisle naked by your own father would drive elopements to an
all-time high.

I consider myself fairly progressive when it comes to worship
attire, but there is a big difference between making your peace with cargo
shorts and being comfortable having the guy behind you whisper that the mole on
your inner-thigh has irregular edges. I can applaud the spirit of the pastor,
but perhaps the answer lies closer to casual Friday than commando Sunday.