What an absolute trip this offseason has been, huh? Emphasis on ‘has been,’ and hyphenated. And trip as in “catch one’s foot on something and stumble or fall or other Macy Gray lyrics.” And ‘trip’ might actually be a misspelling of ‘drip.’ To recap, what an absolute drip this offseason has-been, huh? Players have already reported and Manny Machado is only now signing and Bryce Harper still hasn’t, said the man who likes to point out the obvious. Obvious Man continued, “I need oxygen to breathe.” Shut up, Obvious Man! Yesterday, the Padres signed Manny Machado to a 10-year, $300 million contract. We should’ve seen this coming all along. After all, San Diego is the world’s most languid city. Also, remember all those people saying Machado would sign with the White Sox, due to Yonder Alonso signing there and being his brother-in-law? I mean, a guy doesn’t want to be with his in-laws? No kidding!

Now Machado will be in the cozy position of hitting between Ian Kinsler and Eric Hosmer. Does he just prefer to hit in garbage lineups? Was Balty-more (how I say it) not bad enough for him? What an absolute shizzshow this 1st round has become. In the top 10 for 2019 fantasy baseball, I’ve moved Machado down to another tier as the 2nd tier in the top 10 becomes increasingly barren. “Acuña or Trea Turner or die,” as my bumper sticker I’m manufacturing says. Petco isn’t the ‘terrible’ park everyone has made it out to be in past years, i.e. Petco isn’t for the birds and is not a dog of a park or–Fill in your own damn animal pun! It’s still makes me shudder hard at thinking of hitting in front of Hosmer, but, as previously mentioned on the aforementioned tip, hitting in the Orioles’ lineup wasn’t amazing either and Machado did fine for many years. I did lower his projections in the top 10, and I’m now way more tentative on him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw for fantasy baseball this offseason:

PSYCH! Before getting into the post, we have an announcement:

Razzball Introduces An Ad-Free Option

I know, I know, I know, but you love seeing ads for “Kate Hudson Beauty Secrets” that then lead you to a free Amazon gift card which is actually an Eastern European man living in Nigeria who managed to clone your DNA from your IP address and just slept with your wife using the Amazon Gift Card Clone, who goes by the name, Tommy. I love those ads too! They are terrific! However, and this is going to come as a shock to some of you, there’s people who don’t appreciate the IP clone illegal download software ads that sleep with your wife. I know, shocker! For those people, Razzball is introducing an ad-free option. As Rudy tells me, direct people to the Tools Subscription page and they can figure it out from there. I have my doubts, but what better way to prove me wrong? The ad-free subscription runs for 250 days — a Jewish calendar year! — and is only for one sport. There is now a Log In in the top menu for people too, so if you’re a subscriber, there’s no more need to email Rudy or I asking, “Hey, I bought the subscriptions and I can’t figure out where to log in? Is it at the log in page?” Wait until we introduce the “Grey comes to your house and just operates your computer for you” option. Anyway, here’s the roundup:

Join the2018-19 Razzball Fantasy Premier League for a chance at prizes! Don’t know about Fantasy Soccer? That’s okay, Smokey is here to walk with you throughout this journey of exploration and an absurd amount of accent marks on player names. So probably hide all your snacks. It’ll be a long journey…

Ah, words. It is funny how the simplest play on words could lead to such stupid humor. Because on one hand, Mallex Smith could be an exotic dancer… on the basepaths, and the other? Well, we know the implication. Either way, in his artistry it can only be called one thing: SAGNOF sexy. The base-stealing profession hasn’t been the most flourishing business, with the price of liquor licenses and the growing deficit of accumulation on the stat. It is a dying business. One that allows you to jump all nimbly-pimbly from steal branch to steal branch. When looking at steals, especially in the SAGNOF world, I try to break them down into a two week stretch. I look for who is getting the at-bats, who is getting on base, and of course who is actually stealing bases. Over that 14 game stretch, Mallex is doing all three. He is getting at-bats, and not all from the leadoff spot either. ( He’s getting on base at a .528 clip, with a BB% of 13%.) These numbers are all the dream scenario for a SAGNOF savior for a week or three. Steals? Well, he stole more bases (6) than everyone in baseball not named JoseRamirez or Whit Merrifield. The joyous thing about this, is that the Rays are basically punting but not actually trying to lose. So the at-bats and opportunities will and should continue. As with most saviors of the theft, counting stats are going to be spotty and the one thing you can count on slightly are runs scored, but in smaller comparisons, because… well, the Rays don’t score a ton. So if you are on the lookout for a few here and few there steals, then Mallex is your boy for the next few games, or even a week. But don’t fall in love, because he will break your heart by Labor Day. Cheers!

When you’re hot for two straight weeks, you’re talking in sexy whispers on my earlobes. If Avisail Garcia and Mike Trout are filming a body-switch movie, I never want it to end. For years I’ve remarked — I’m a remarker, yo! — that Avisail looks like Mini Miggy, now he’s actually hitting like him. “Miggy, that is the first time in two years we’ve made love without you screaming your back hurts,” Mrs. Miggy rolls over. Avisail Garcia smiles wickedly at the camera. Yesterday, he homered two more times (3-for-6, 3 runs, 6th and 7th homers), and now has six homers in the last week, and he hit .330 last year. Sure, we can pee in the electrical blanket by talking about his BABIP last year, but there is no excuse for Garcia being on waivers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

The value of Michael Taylor is that he can play centerfield better than anyone else on the Nationals roster. I get that defensive metrics are not a fantasy stat, but it keeps players like him in the lineup from day-to-day. With the emergence of Juan Soto and the impending return of Adam Eaton, it causes a luxury that most teams don’t offer. Four decent to great outfielders that all offer a different set of skills but all rosterable in most fantasy formats. I think the biggest question we have to ask is: Is Juan Soto going to stay up when Adam Eaton returns from the 60-day DL on the 8th? Given what we have seen from him based on on-field merit, absolutely. Making Eaton or Taylor the fourth man on any given day is the right choice, but I am leaning that Eaton or Soto form a nice rotation based on what the skipper has said about Taylor: “He wins games with his play on the field” is the truncated version of what he said. He isn’t wrong, and basically Taylor is the Nationals version of Keirmaier. Similar skill set, maybe a bit more speed for Taylor, but their main asset is their propensity for great glove work. Listen, I get and hear all the prospect thumpers saying there is no way that Soto comes out of the lineup, but to think that he doesn’t sit occasionally upon Eaton’s return is just plain naive. Eaton won’t play everyday, because he is about as durable as a street watch bought in Chinatown. So if you are a Taylor owner, be semi-nervous he should be owned for SAGNOF appeal, but not a pillar that is in your lineup for any other counting stats. Even if the are getting better over the past 14 games to what they have been over the course of the year so far. So to summarize on the SAGNOF love, Eaton coming back, Soto, Taylor and Eaton will all lose 4-6 at bats a week, all is well and all are ownable. SAGNOF Monday starts off your week with class and style. Cheers!

Hope everyone’s well rested and had a joyous Michael Bay Day. If you couldn’t be American yesterday, I hope at least you got drunk and ate a bunch of hot dogs. As they say in Mississippi, Amurica, “Spelling’s for sissies!” In honor of Amurica’s half birthday, I hope you put a hot dog in your fly and went up to a female reporter, then let Roger Clemens watch you have sex with his wife. Amurica would’ve wanted it that way! Trevor Cahill did his part of keeping Amurica as true as the red, white and blue underwear you wash once a year and shut down those Rays, who we know want to have Devil in their name. Cast out their demons, Trevamurica! Yesterday, Cahill went 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (zero walks), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.25. He’s never gonna give you a fire emoji of 98 MPH or even throw his fastball more than 45% of time. He is throwing his slider twice as much as last year, cutting his curve’s usage, and after about 11 years in the league, it looks like its paying dividends. His ground ball rate is over 60% and his walk rate is down to 1.8 with a 8.4 K/9. What, you a rich man’s Dallas Keuchel? I will call you, Dynasty’s Carrington. I could see owning him in almost all mixed leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

How good is Vladimir Guerrero Jr.? The Blue Jays are now saying they’d like to see how he deals with failure. He’s so good, he’s never failed! He will be up by mid-June. The Jays can longer hold him down anymore without concocting fake reasons. Very soon you’re going to read this from me: “Vlad, the Mini Impaler, just jacked another homer to go with his .320 average. Aren’t you glad you listened to me and grabbed him back in mid-May? You didn’t grab him? Aw, shucks, you did a hashtag fail on that one, didn’t you? It’s all right, there should be another generational talent up in five years. I hear Bartolo Colon’s got 17 sons — one could be up soon and light the world on fire, or at least put the world in a microwave, open the door 30 seconds before the world is fully heated and eat it.” And that’s me quoting future me! So, do you wanna be the guy (or girl who can totally hang with the guys), saying, “Damn, Grey, you’re handsome AF but your witticisms cut deep sometimes.” Or do you want to read my wound-salting barbs and think, “I’m so glad I own Vlad. Now who is this Bartolo Colon Jr. he’s talking about? I should comment calling him Bartolo Semi-Colon and totally make Grey cackle!” Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Ya know, if you’re gonna get busted for PEDs and be suspended for 80 games, the way to do it is right after fracturing your hand. It’s like coming down with mono the week of your prom when you have no date. “Damn, am I gonna miss that? That is too bad, but I am so drowsy I feel like I have two Forest Whitaker eyes.” That’s you getting prom-o-mono. I am more surprised to hear Robinson Cano was busted for PEDs, than I am to learn he had no idea he was taking the illegal substance. Baseball is currently batting a thousand for denials of PEDs suspensions. MLB players’ denials of taking the illicit substance should get into the Hall of Fame on its first ballot. Speaking of Hall of Fame, I kinda thought Robinson Cano was headed there. This will obviously shade a cloud over his entire career, which I do think is a shame. What’s also a shame, you need to drop him in all leagues. He’s more or less done for the year. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cincinnati Reds second baseman Scooter Gennett homered in his fourth straight game Friday night going 4-for-5 with his 6th homer and 3 RBI. After a slow start to the season power-wise, Gennett has been slicker than a Motorola cell phone hitting .458 in the past week with 6 runs, 4 home runs and 10 RBI. Holy Vespa! Even more shocking, this is the second Reds 2B/SS I’ve profiled this year. I must be infatuated with the Reds infield. Which is kind of sad, because there are so many better infields to be infatuated with. But nope. It’s the Reds. Scooter had a career best year in 2017, hitting .295 with 27 homers, 80 runs scored and 97 RBI. If we look at the advanced stats (nerd!), sure that 20.8% HR/FB rate from last year might be a tad tough to match again, but the .339 BABIP in 2017 is not that far off from his career .329 average. In other words, 2017 was no fluke! In 2018, the .364 BABIP may be a bit inflated again, but he’s also striking out less, 18.5% versus 22.9% in 2017. So what does all this mean to all of us who aren’t mathematicians or data scientists? Speak english, doc! That average might go down but the power is legit, and Scooter is hotter than a Childish Gambino “This is America” video shot by shot breakdown think piece. Did you even notice the dancing symbolizes the fact that the new song is flames, and is distracting you aka SOCIETY from what’s really going on the in background–POLITICS. Don’t let Gennett’s slow start, or inflated sabremetrics or terrible team distract you, he’s the hottest thing on two wheels right now and worth riding where he’s available.

We all know what to hoist by one’s own petard means, right? It’s like when Wile E. Coyote tries to drop a cannonball on the Road Runner, but the cannonball’s heft breaks off the cliff and plunges Wile E. to his untimely demise. (Clearly, the best Shakespearean example.) That’s how I feel about rookie pitchers. You grab them because of the upside, then hoist them up and they roofie you and, next thing you know, your kidney is replacing El Chapo’s. On the Prospect-o-Nator, Alex Reyes is the 2nd best rookie pitcher this year, behind Walker Buehler. Clearly, Alex Reyes needs to be owned, but he’s A) Rookie. B) Returning from Tommy John surgery. C) There’s no C. If things break right, he could be an ace for the last four months of the season. If things break wrong, your fantasy team could plunge to its untimely demise. Remember, never go full petard. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Is it still “the beginning” of baseball season? I’m thinking no. We’re now a little more than 20% of the way into the year – still an extremely small sample size, but enough that we can see patterns starting to emerge, and it’s getting easier to evaluate fantasy teams’ strengths and weaknesses. If your team is going to have an overabundance of power or strikeouts, or will have trouble contending due to a complete lack of speed or saves, you’ve probably figured it out by now. While you don’t want to panic over poor starts by players that are still likely to turn things around and help you, there’s no reason not to be pro-active if you know your team is lacking in a certain area. Of course, this is easier said than done in a deep league, where there are few serviceable players sitting on the waiver wire, and trade partners may be hard to find since every team probably feels stretched thin and owners may not feel like they have a true surplus in any category. All the more reason to be extra vigilant about free agents, potential trade scenarios, setting your lineup properly, and anything else that can give you an edge based on the rules and parameters of your league… you don’t want tuning out for a few days in May to cost you valuable points that could make a big difference in September. For now, we do our usual: look at a handful of players that could be relevant to those livin’ the deep league life.