Addict confesses

“I offer unsolicited advice to those with depression, unemployment, child rearing problems, always adding that I am experienced and wise for my years, thus qualified to give advice.

“I respond to the familiar little ‘ding’ announcing a new message the same as Pavlov’s dog.

“I post questions on my Facebook page asking my friends to help me decide on a hotel for our vacation, a new restaurant, a suggestion for buying a vacuum cleaner or even a car.

“I want my life back! I may be able to get that Great American Novel written, or develop a cure for wrinkles, or find a way to grow giant tomatoes.

“But I must get off of Facebook and away from my temptations in order to do so.”

(Maybe I can help, Julaine. I’ll just ask my Facebook friends for their suggestions. …)

Tamale attack!

After I told of trying to eat a Lea’s banana cream pie in a car without utensils, I heard from James A. Culotta:

“Along the same lines as your incident with the pie, a bunch of years ago my old fishing partner, Robert, and I were coming from a fishing trip in the Basin.

“We made our usual stop in Plaquemine at Ivy’s on Court Street to buy their famous hot tamales.

“On our way home, traffic was backed up on La. 1, and we could see a motor home in flames on the overpass over the Intercoastal Canal about a quarter of a mile ahead.

“People were out of their cars, visiting up and down the line.

“We decided to get back in the car — where the smell of the tamales was so powerful we opened our respective packages and began to partake of those spicy goodies.

“As soon as my hands got good and messy, the traffic started moving and I had to move fast, driving home with greasy hands as we had no paper towels or napkins.

“Messy, but good memories.”

The hole truth

Dudley Lehew, of Denham Springs, says a favorite saying is: “As you travel on through life, brother, whatever be your goal, keep your eye on the doughnut, and not upon the hole.”

He explains: “I saw those words on the wall in a doughnut shop on Third Street and North Boulevard when I was a boy about to go to the Louisiana Theater for a double feature, serial, two cartoons and a giant bag of popcorn at a cost of 15 cents!

“I had no idea what they meant, but it just seemed like good advice I should heed.”

Special People Dept.

Bea Haydell celebrated her 102nd birthday on Saturday, Jan. 18.

Allen Gautreau celebrates his 93rd birthday on Monday, Jan. 20. He is an Air Force veteran of World War II.

On Saturday, Jan. 18, Johnny and Josephine Zito celebrated their 66th anniversary. He is a World War II veteran and Purple Heart recipient.

Grin and bear it

Ben Cherbonnier tells of a man in northern Minnesota who woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof:

“He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for ‘Up North Bear Removers.’

“He called, and the bear remover said he’d be right over.

“The bear remover arrived and got out of his van with a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12-gauge shotgun, and a mean-looking, heavily scarred old pit bull.

“ ‘What are you going to do?’ the homeowner asked.

“ ‘I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab him between the legs and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.’

“He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner.

“ ‘What’s the shotgun for?’ the homeowner asked.

“ ‘If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog.’ ”

Write Smiley at Smiley@theadvocate.com. He can also be reached by fax at (225) 388-0351 or mail at P.O. Box 588, Baton Rouge, LA 70821.