This Intro to BDSM Is So Good It Hurts

BDSM relationships, or kinky relationships, may or may not coincide with open/ethically nonmonogamous relationships.

You will find because BDSM relationships require a great deal of explicit communication and negotiation, partners in those relationships have consented to some kind of open relationship as well (the explicit communication style tends to bleed over.)

However, there also are plenty of sexually monogamous kinky couples.

BDSM in entertainment:

BDSM relationships became popular in the mainstream with the “Fifty Shades of Grey” books. Hopefully you are also aware that said books were not the best in accurately depicting BDSM dynamics and communication.

In any case, it’s awesome the books helped bring kink to the mainstream.

BDSM in porn often gets a bad rep, for the simple fact the explicit conversations and agreements that take place prior to the sexual scene are not filmed.

It is highly important to remember porn (and especially feminist or ethical porn) depicting BDSM kinks have been negotiated and consented to, and you can’t expect to put someone in a chastity belt or dog collar just because you want to. You have to talk about it and obtain consent first.

BDSM safety guidelines are wrapped up in the acronym RACK: risk-aware consensual kink.

Make sure you understand any risks you are undertaking by participating in a certain activity. Make sure all parties involved are consenting to the activity.

Have explicit conversations with your partner(s) about what the scene will involve and how it can end if necessary. Obviously, being with someone you trust is hugely important in practicing safe kink.

“Make sure you understand

any risks you are undertaking.”

My first time:

My first introduction to anything BDSM-related came in the form of rope.

J and I were at our swingers club a couple of years ago when a regular club goer asked if I wanted to feel the rope on my wrist. Hesitantly, I agreed.

He began to talk to us about how rope, when tied against the skin in certain places, will release endorphins and other chemicals. Different rope also smells differently, providing another level to the experience.

He gave us our first introduction to D/S as well. He had been playing with a short piece of hemp rope on my wrist and handed the end to J. “Pull it,” he said, “and watch how her eyes light up.”

J did as he was suggested, and the rush of desire flooded through me. It was powerful to feel dominated in this small way and to see J act with intention and power.

That experience kicked off my love of rope. I don’t have a whole lot of experience as a rope bottom (meaning I am the one to be tied up. A top is the person who would tie me up.)

I’ve been tied up maybe 10 times in the past couple of years, two of which were for a professional photographer and rope top. Those two experiences were incredible, and I love going back to look at those photos to see the ecstasy emanating from my body.

I have almost never been tied up and sexual at the same time (the one exception was a time when my friend tied me up at our club, and I then gave J a blowjob).

For me, being tied up is largely a meditative and relaxing experience. I feel cocooned and safe.

That being said, J and I have also experimented with our D/S dynamic through using bed restraints, blindfolds, dog collars and simply agreeing to a particular dynamic for an evening.

For instance, he may want the control for a night to tell me what to do and how to do it or vice versa. Our BDSM experience is pretty limited. I’d call us baby kinksters, but it definitely adds charge and spice to our shared erotic life.

You can find information on more advanced kink through the Wikepedia page for BDSM and Tristan Taormino’s “The Ultimate Guide to Kink” and “50 Shades of Kink,” not to mention FetLife, the online social network for kinksters. Stay safe and have fun!

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Katie B.

Katie B. has a MPH in health promotion and has plans to complete a master's degree in marriage and family therapy. You can read more about Katie B's journey in an open relationship at sexualityreclaimed.com. Connect with her on Google+.

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