Wednesday, December 31, 2008

There was no cooking tonight. I'm probably not going to cook again until Friday night. Tomorrow we are going to Ben's brothers house for chili. I wanted to give Ben's mom a rest since she has really been in the kitchen helping me quite a bit.

We went to church, then out to dinner, and to see a park with a bunch of lights. It was really great. Today Ben's mom gave me a mini-makeover, and I really enjoyed how she did my eyes. She said that my eyes and cheekbones are my most prominent and best features.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The food turned out really good. I was certainly pleased. One big thing I need to work on is timing. It has been easy with the timing because Ben's mom is so good at making that happen. I know this will be an issue on my own.

I talked with Ben tonight about something that he has been doing that makes me feel self-conscious. He keeps rubbing my middle area and grabbing that area. It is always done in a loving-flirting-romantic way. I told him that it made me self-conscious because it was an area of my body that I could not fix without having surgery. He reassured me that he loves my body, and likes every bit of me. Wow...I am so blessed!

Mix first four ingredients. Pour into a greased casserole dish. Cruble Ritz crackers. Mix with melted butter on top. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes.

I'm really going to have to reign in after I get back from North Carolina! Yikes! I am having a whole lot of carbs. Right now I am making these recipes with regular pasta. When I start making recipes back in Kentucky, I'll only be using the Dreamfields pasta. I am eating regular whole wheat bread here, while in Kentucky I eat low carb bread. It is little things like that that I think (know) are really adding up.

Monday, December 29, 2008

I made dinner tonight for Ben's family! Wooo Hoooo! I am using the Kraft Foods Website to find recipes to start off. The recipes are not that complicated, and for now, I think it is a perfect match for me.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

I am not big on making New Year's Resolutions. I have one firm resolution that I want to make for the 2009 year. I need to learn how to cook. Lucky for you readers that Ben and I will be the main guinea pigs for consuming these dishes. I am not setting out to make grand dishes, but learn some basic quick dishes that I can eat on throughout the week. I am thinking along the lines of casseroles, soups, etc.

I am going to need some accountability for this process. I am going to post pictures and recipes of the dishes that I make. I cannot promise that they will all be low-calorie. I am going for dishes that will first and foremost be DS friendly. Yet, I will be venturing out as well, since I am more in the weight loss maintaining mode. I know I need to learn how to do this, and I am looking forward to the opportunity to try.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Well, it is time for the weight loss advertisements to fill our screens. I watched one on Slim-Fast this evening. I will NEVER use this product, even if I need to drop the pounds. They showed a woman on there who was a very healthy BMI, and she was their subject of losing weight. While I realize their primary target is for people who need to lose 10-15 pounds, this is ridiculous.

I found a new love this evening: cranberry salad. It was mixed with several things. I was so excited to try this. One thing that I've been proud of myself on this trip is that I've not been focusing on eating desserts, I have had much more complex carbs. I'm ok with that right now. (Of course that is easy to say since I don't have easy access to a scale.)

Friday, December 26, 2008

Happy 21 Months Post-Op to me! :) I don't really have anything exciting to report. My weight has maintained at 140. I have pretty much been able to eat what I want. (I always follow the protein first mantra though!)

I decided that finishing the rest of Season 3 of 24 was more important than packing, so I must do that ASAP now. I will be posting more once I am in North Carolina. Sorry for so many short posts lately.

Ben says the sweetest things to me. He was just staring at me and says, "Look at this perfect ear. Wait, it is attached to a perfect face, and that face is attached to a perfect body." I have a man who thinks that I have a perfect body. Seriously, I NEVER thought I would hear those words coming from a man's mouth. That is a WOW in and of itself! :)

Nothing of note going on right now. Ben and I had my family Christmas gathering last night. I had a really good time at that. Today we went to Christmas Eve candlelight service, and then to a buffet at a local restaurant. The food was so good!

Ben and I exchanged Christmas gifts. We had bought gifts for students in my class, so our gifts were very small but meaningful. Ben makes things out of coat hangers, and he made me a really pretty basket. He filled it with stuff from Bath and Body Works, along with my favorite Sugar Free Dove Dark Chocolates (with Mint), and Buckeyes from Cracker Barrel. He seemed to really like my gift as well.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Every since I have completed college, and started teaching, I've gone to holiday events ALONE. I never seemed to be dating anyone around the holidays. Easter and Thanksgiving are not that bad, but Christmas was always the "toughest" one for me. I'm not talking about going to extended relatives homes, but my own family. Since you know how much I struggle with my dad's side of the family, that statement may come as a shock.

Here has been the scene for the past seven years at my parent's home at Christmas...my sister and her husband (now her ex, so she brings the guy she lives with), my brother with his girlfriend who later became his wife, and me sitting with my parents. Everybody is enjoying the time together, but they all have their significant other, except me. Talk about feeling like a third wheel, every year I felt this way.

Finally, this year, I get to bring my significant other! Ben gets to come to my family's Christmas. I am so excited to have him there by my side. It has been a long time coming, and I'm going to enjoy my turn!

A trip back in time: December 21st, 2007 I weighed 215 pounds! It feels good going to Christmas this year with 75 pounds less on my body!

I have nothing to do today until 4:30 this afternoon. Life is good. My weight is maintaining, and that makes me very happy. I am going to veg out and watch a bunch of episodes of 24. I am addicted to this show.

Talks are starting to get serious between Ben and I as far as considering marriage. This has me thinking about my weight. I am happy with my weight where it is, but if Ben does ask me to get married, I would like to lose at least ten more pounds. I am only getting married one time, and I want to look beyond sensational for my wedding photos! Here is the thing, I know that Ben loves me exactly how I look, so it is not any pressure from him. It is just me, acting like any other (potential) bride to be, wanting to lose a few pounds before her wedding day. One thing is for certain, my dress will have SLEEVES on it!

There is also the issue of when I will tell Ben's family about my DS. Ben says that choice is completely up to me. He doesn't care if I tell them or not. I think at some point I will want to tell them and clear the air. They already know I have lost a lot of weight. When Ben and I first started dating, he had commented to his mom about the loose skin by my arms. Ben's mom told Ben's sister-in-law, and she said, "That means that she has lost a lot of weight." It is not an issue right now, because I know I am not telling them over Christmas break.

Monday, December 22, 2008

My MRI went fine today. It wasn't a big deal at all. I also have decided that Ben is right. I can fall asleep anywhere under almost any circumstance. I fell asleep during my MRI, with those loud noises. The guy was funny saying, "Sorry I had to wake you up." :)

I was thinking about why I had never had an MRI/CT Scan done before. I've suffered with migraines for a long time. I had very good doctors who were truly seeking a way for me to find some relief. I have decided that the doctors were too "kind" to tell me that I was too big for an MRI. I was looking at that machine, and there would have been no way I could have gotten in it as a pre-op. The weight limit on the machine was 300 pounds. Weight limit aside, just judging by the width, I could not have fit in it.

I won't forget when I was having trouble with my left ankle (I broke it in 1998) back in 2005. I went to a specialist, who wanted to take some special pictures of it. The lady looked at my weight and said I couldn't lay on the table, because I could possibly break it. I was so mortified. I had to sit in a chair and contort by body so that the proper x-rays could be taken.

Now I'm going to catch a short nap before afternoon festivities begin.

Ok, it is early....and this post is going to be weird in general, but here goes.

I was the fattest girl in middle and high school. I can only imagine that quite a few times a phrase something along this line was uttered, "Well, at least you aren't as big as Tiffany." Healing how I view myself is really taking some work. I joined Facebook a few months back. I like it much better than MySpace, and it is great to what is going on in the lives of former high school and college classmates.

In high school and college I used to look at some of these thin girls and put them up on a pedestal. I've been looking at quite a few of the pictures of people lately. I've noticed several things. 1. Many of them aren't really that small. They simply looked so small because of how huge I was. 2. I can tell that many of them have struggled with their weight as well. (People post pictures of themselves over the years, not just currently.) 3. I have compared myself to them, and I realize that I'm not that much different looking than they are. (I have pulled up a picture of me and put it side by side on the computer of some of the friends I have on Facebook.)

I still have a problem with the images I see on my camera. At almost 21 months post op, I can still look at a picture and go, "Wow...is that me?" People around me are starting to get acclimated to how I look. I like that. I like that the first subject brought up is not, "How much weight have you lost now?"

Speaking of Facebook, I got a private message from a girl I knew in high school asking how I had lost the weight, and that she was happy for me. She was a very sweet girl, so I will be responding to it soon. :)

Sunday, December 21, 2008

I'm not one to run to the doctor about everything, but since having the DS, I have realized the importance of staying on top of everything health wise. My stomach is really hurting me. This has been happening for the past several days. It is painful to eat much, even basics like soups. I'm giving it until Tuesday morning, and if I'm not better I am going to my PCP.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

I got my hair done today, and I feel so much better. The wedding was beautiful, and I had a great time with Ben.

The mental war was FIERCE at the reception. I was really comparing myself to the other girls. It was to the point where it was affecting my enjoyment of the reception. I also had a bit of a crying spell afterwards because of "missing" Ben. I've been able to see Ben a lot (and will be over the next few days), but we are not getting to do a lot of things alone. I like hanging out with others, but I need my one on one time with Ben.

I am officially on winter break. I had a good day with my students yesterday. Last night I watched the boys from Canada.

I am getting ready to go get my hair cut and highlighted. I was going to try to "rough" it out until I was able to go the the fancy place, but that won't be until February 6th. I can't rough it that long, I will go crazy.

I love Banana Scream protein shakes. I found sugar-free strawberry syrup last night. I am looking forward to adding strawberry to the mix this morning.

I sometimes think that people are waiting for former SSMO people to return to their previous weight. I guess that statistically most people do. I just feel that some people see me through a different lens. I love that there are some people at my job who don't know that I used to be fat. I don't worry about my actions as much around these people than I do others.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Last night my mom said that I could probably wear fit into her wedding dress. I laughed at my mom, thinking she weighed about 80 pounds when she got married. She said she weighed around 120. When I told her my weight, she didn't believe me. She made me get the scale and show it to her! :)

Sleeping last night with the electric blanket was heaven. This will be a staple at my house for the rest of winter. I keep my heat cranked anyway, since I have low utility bills.

Pasta Queen was talking on her blog about being addicted to food. There are some days that I feel the same way. For example, yesterday we had breakfast provided at our school. I was not hungry, but I wondered into the lounge "just to see" what they had. Even though I wasn't hungry, I ended up having one piece of toast and jelly. I knew better than to even go into the lounge, yet I did.

Ok, seriously have to kick it into high gear and get to work. Happy days to you all!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I never seem to have enough of it! (Yet, who really does?) I went to my mom's house tonight to work on scrapbooking things for Christmas gifts. We got three of them done, and one more is in the works. I just got in a few minutes ago.

I am letting my electric blanket warm up as I blog. I am excited to get under the covers very soon!

Eating is not going so hot. The scale is UP. Not a big up, but any UPs worry me. I know I am making some crappy choices, and I am not pleased with myself for doing that.

Tomorrow night is my students big ballroom dance performance. They are very excited about the performance, and I know it will be a big hit. I am so proud to be a part of this.

Monday, December 15, 2008

I don't want a snow day, but a delay would be nice. :) We have to be at work at our regular time on delay days, but it would allow me two hours to work on things that I need to get done before the Christmas break.

I had a piece of cake last night with cream cheese frosting. Where has this stuff been all my life? It was HEAVEN!!!

Remember how I ate at the place on Friday night that was heaven, but I couldn't recall the name? It is Calistoga. Even better...they do have one in Louisville! :) Last night, after we went to a party, Ben and I went there. I remembered that there was a new restaurant in an area we frequent, but I couldn't remember the name of it. I was so excited when I saw what it was!

I am so thrilled because there is NO GED classes this week. I get to come home at a decent hour. Woot!!!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

I had such a great time with my two best friends in Lexington last night and today. I was pretty tired in the morning, even thinking of canceling, but by the afternoon I was pumped and excited to be heading out of town.

I tried on two really nice dresses at the Talbots Outlet Store. I have learned that I need to try on dresses with Spanx from now on. I really thought I might have liked these, had I seen how Spanx could smooth out some of my wrinkles. Since I couldn't see that, I decided not to buy the dresses. While I love Spanx, I don't ever want to make them a daily part of my wardrobe. I don't see the problem with wearing them on occasion to make a fitting dress look better.

A Note on Rudeness...

We are standing in a checkout line, and this lady asks my friend Penny ifshe could wear the 1X PJs, since her daughter was about Penny's size. Penny was trying to be very polite, but she kept pushing the conversation. She asked what size Penny wore in clothing too. Here is the thing...I'vedone this before, mainly when I was shopping for skinny friends, and I had noclue what size they might wear. Yet, I was discrete about the wholematter. This lady was NOT discrete. I am proud of how my friend handled this whole situation, but it was not an easy one.

We ate at a place that is similar to Panera Bread, but much more gourmet! It was so good. They do not have any locations in Louisville. :( I cannot think of the name of it for the life of me!

Ben and I went to Murder Mystery Dinner Theater tonight. We had a great time. He also surprised me with ordered tickets for us to see Bill Cosby in January! I LOVE Bill Cosby!!! WooooHoooo!!! :)

Friday, December 12, 2008

I am so ready for the weekend!!! I know I still have today to get through, but I want my weekend! :)

After school I am meeting my friend Wendy to do our Christmas present exchange, and have an early dinner. (Fried zucchini!!!!) Then I am off to Lexington to spend the night with my best girlfriends. We got a hotel with a pool, so I am pumped about that! :) I am so happy that I can spend time with them.

Ok, back to bed. I've got another hour and a half that I'm going to sleep before I officially start this day.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

I picked up the Christmas cards that I had made of Ben and I. They turned out really nice, and they were not that expensive. I will take a picture of one of them and post it up this weekend.

Last night Ben said to me, "Wow....I've got a supermodel sitting in my lap." He says sweet things like this all the time to me. It really makes me feel so loved.

One thing I've been meaning to blog about, but keep forgetting to do so.....another small way that people view you when you are no overweight. When I order dessert, I don't get strange looks, or even comments (you know how bold and brazen some people are). Last night I ordered a slice of cheesecake, and didn't worry about what others thought about me. Would I still do it with I was SSMO? Yes, but it often depended if I felt I was in the company of those who wouldn't judge me. Now, I just seem normal when I get something like that.

The next seven days at work are going to be a challenge. The kids are revved up to say the least. I've been keeping my kids in line, but I must say that it is a whole lot more WORK than it typically is.

Monday, December 8, 2008

I had said this month was going to be jam packed! There is so much to look forward to, here are the highlights: (Did I mention I have to squeeze work in between all these activities?)

Overnight with my best friends in a hotel in LexingtonMurder Mystery Dinner TheaterThe 1st Birthday of Our Friend's KidMy Student's Ballroom Dance RecitalMy Z Spa and Salon Hair/Makeup ConsultSeeing the family I watch from CanadaSeeing Our Friends Wedding3 Holiday Nursing Home Special Services (with Ben)An MRIHopefully a Dental Cleaning (I'm on the call list)One Work PartyMy Family's ChristmasChurch on Christmas Eve and Dinner at a local restaurantChristmas Day visit my grandmother and entertain the Soldier we are adopting for the dayDay after Christmas leave for North Carolina until January 4th!

Ben and I had a great time this evening! We went to see Into the Woods at a local high school, then to dinner at Red Robbin. Afterwards, we talked for some bit at his apartment. We tried to get our picture taken in front of the tree, but Aaron was not home. I had told Ben this afternoon that I had brought my fat pants for him to see. We got so involved in our conversation that I forgot about them. He knows I want to show them to him, and I will do so very soon.

It took awhile to get to support group lunch because I was in traffic for fifty minutes. I made it, only 30 minutes late though. I will post pictures of that soon.

Another Mastercard moment...being given clothes from my aunt that were too small for her, and 80% of them are too big for me. PRICELESS!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

I've thought about this for some time, but tonight is the night. I've wanted to show Ben my clothes as a pre-op. (I have only kept one pair of pants, and one top.) He has seen pictures of me at my heaviest, but I know I need to do this. I cannot fully even explain why. I think it is one thing seeing a picture of something, then seeing something in real life. In a personal way, the fact that I am showing him this will bring some personal healing to my soul. It is huge to trust him with this, but I know I am in good hands.

I'm getting ready to leave to go have a late lunch with my DS support group. It will be great seeing everyone before Christmas break. I've learned a lot from these fantastic people. The rest of the evening will be pretty busy as well. I'll post more later.

I was so happy when I got ready for bed last night. I realized that I didn't need to set my alarm clock at all. I could sleep until whenever I woke up. I slept for about ten hours. How awesome is that?

Last night was so much fun! Ben and I got our Christmas tree. It was my first real Christmas tree. We had such a great time decorating it. I made sugar cookies, and we ate those as we played Scrabble. (I am seriously becoming a Scrabble addict.) I will post pictures of us tonight in front of the tree. Our friend Aaron is going to take them. We ate at Just Fresh last night. It was such a great place to get food. It is similar in regard to Panera, but has several different menu options. I was very pleased with this choice!

Turns out I didn't have to deal with that angry parent yesterday. My principal did all the work for me. I was pretty happy about that. That shows me that he really knows that the kid is in the wrong, etc. It is nice when administrators step up to bat for their teachers, and allow us to continue teaching.

I'm going to do a little bit of laundry and dishes, and watch some episodes of 24!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Last night Ben and I went out to celebrate his completion of the semester. Ben only orders a side salad, so I ask if he is not very hungry. We are at his favorite restaurant, which he always gets chicken wings. He says that he has noticed that he has put on some weight, and he wants to cut back. I really had not noticed, but I said ok.

I ordered mozzarella sticks for my meal. Ben says, "You are eating mozzarella sticks, and I am eating a side salad, yet we both are eating something that is good for us. It reminds me of...Jack Sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean." I started laughing so much, because it was so true. I was eating something that was healthy FOR ME, because of the DS.

My mom went to a informational session about getting the lapband. I am not anti-lap band. We all have struggled with being obese, and however you choose to lose the weight, it is not an easy road. I am a big supproter of exploring all your options before you make a poor decision. I know my mom, and for many reasons, I strongly feel that the lap band is not the right choice of surgery for her. I would much more recommend the Gastric By-pass or the DS. It is hard because I want the best for her.

I have a busy day at school. I've got a parent who is mad at me. This kid is one tough kid. She is refusing to accept responsibility for her son's behavior. This has made his son's behavior worse, because he has no consequences. I'm a strict teacher, not to be confused with being a mean teacher. I am super loving to my students. I do have many routines and procedures to give the students the best possible learning environment. It is hard to misbehave in my class because I set up so many safety nets to prevent that from happening. I really want this child to succeed, but it it going to take his mom working WITH me to do this.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

I was at a training last night until 7:30 pm. I forgot my snacks. I'm trapped. The vending machines contain nothing but CRAP. Why can't vending machines contain at least SOME healthy choices? I was just looking for some peanuts, or something like that to tide me over. I had no such luck. I guess the bottom line is that they put into vending machines the things that people will BUY, and healthy things are not on the top of that list.

Yesterday, my school had a video crew in for a promotional video we were creating about our building. I was interviewed for this video, and then the video crew filmed my class while I was teaching. I was honored to be asked to be a part of this. My principal is really awesome at what he does, and I want to make sure that I measure up myself. Being asked to be a part of this project made me feel really good.

On a total nerdy front. The past two nights I have gone to bed MEGA early. I've been getting about 9-10 hours of sleep. I cannot tell you how much BETTER I feel. I don't think I will always need this much sleep, but I have been running on a major sleep deficit. Catching up on sleep really feels awesome.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Hi...I'm new here. I want to learn how to maintain my weight. This is a whole new place for me to be. For my entire life I've pretty much only increased my weight. Each day is a new adventure of learning how to maintain my weight. I know that no one item will skyrocket me to 393 pounds. I just have to work at balance, and finding what works for me. I also have to keep in mind that what works now, may not work six mnths or a year from now.

Off to work....This subject will be coming up more frequently in my blog, because it is heavy on my mind.

Monday, December 1, 2008

The funk lifted pretty quickly after I got to work this morning. I was so happy about that. I don't like being in a funk.

I have an appointment with my PCP tomorrow. I am getting more labs drawn, and I would also like to talk with her about having an iron infusion. I really think that will help with my energy level.

I know that I am going to BED in ten minutes. I played around last night, and ended up going to bed about an hour and forty five minutes later than what I had intended. I accomplished nothing whatsoever.

I'm not in a good mood this morning. I've had nine days off, and I should feel great, but I don't. I've been thinking about the "source" of this funk, and I am fairly certain it is that I'm tired of working two jobs. I feel selfish even saying this, knowing how tight our economy is, and how many people are looking for one decent job, and I have a second job that pays good money.

I just want my day to end at 4. I think knowing that my day doesn't end until 8 (always two nights a week, sometimes three) really messes with my outlook. While I've only been doing this job for about eight months, I think the funk comes from the fact that I've almost always worked a second job in addition to teaching. Teaching is a demanding (yet rewarding) profession, and I think it is hard to keep working a second job, because I don't get to recharge my batteries. Another contributing factor to this funk is that I didn't have a break this summer other than Colombia. I had a slew of presentations to do, then I was full charge into getting my classroom back in order for the new school year. I had no down time whatsoever.

I need to spend some serious time looking at my budget. I could scale back to one job, but it is going to mean tightning up things A LOT. Many of the things that I now take for granted, would have to be scrapped completely. In the end, I have to decide what matters more to me. I want the option to be able to do some other things that are not job related (become more active in my church, volunteer at the nursing home with my boyfriend, etc).

While I write all this now, odds are I would not be able to quit my second job until the end of July. I would still have some months to truck through, but it would feel good to know that an end is in sight.

About Me

I am a 33 year old newlywed, teacher, pastor's wife, and I want to live a more full life. Change IS good!
"I have discovered in life that there are many ways of getting almost anywhere you want to go, if you really want to go." - Langston Hughes