Broken Thoughts… First Rehearsal…

Lips are cracked and bleedingPurging the obviousDrinking to wish this all awayEmpty alley, a new homeStaring down death with nothing leftHad a name, gave it up to be thisWorth it for a worthless choiceCircumstances of my personal consumptionForgive me for calling so lateAware time always meant something to you
A purpose, a place, some where to beTiming is everythingThe reason behind right and wrongJustification for what we believeToo early, too late, it all fucks up just the same

Good luck suffering in place. Save a space for me.

Last week I was in New York and this week I’m in Seattle. What’s the point of fucking phones if we have to meet face to face? Come see the freak in a mask made of glass. A fragile ego they all want to shatter. Break me open and see what’s left inside. Haven’t I given you enough? Another rewrite another pass. What the fuck do I pay these people for? “The covers no good too violent, too obscene. Got any ideas?” Yeah, you just shit all over them. “The shirts are too much. We are trying to sell an image. Convey an idea of loneliness not sadness.” I was unaware they were two separate things. Pulling my teeth to make me money they say. What a stupid fucking saying. Driving a nail into my brain and they wonder why I’m so pissed off all the time.

A long walk to nowhere at all

Thinking things overGoing on from here will beMore difficult this timeA radiant emotion trapped insideHappiness is a fleeting emotionThinking of all the thingsStill left to doThe words become a listOf where I’ve been and where I need to goWasn’t prepared for thisAlways failing, the success is fleetingWanted it always, now that I’m hereEven more lost than before

I wanted to make a new logo for this week… it didn’t happen… started messing with all the tools… the settings… four hours later… I just said fuck it… next time… so maybe next time…

As soon as I stop being lazy… not any time soon… I want to start working on my short story book again… and I have an idea for another book… going to start working towards that soon… that’s my overall goal for the rest of the year… I need to start trying to submit some stuff to literary magazines and agents again… because life doesn’t seem so shitty as of late… and there is no better way to take that feeling away… : )

It’s like hitting rock bottom… only you could be so lucky to hit it every day… that sounds a little extreme… hitting rock bottom is some pretty serious shit… it is more like… you know that person you “love” but you are too afraid to tell them?… it’s like that… except you do it to multiple people and they don’t have the nerve to even tell you no… they don’t even have the nerve to tell you why… they just send you an email that says… thanks for bringing me your thoughts and feelings… maybe next time… now that I think about it though… I’ve never asked out multiple people out at the same time before… so I have no idea how that would feel…

Come to think about it… I’m not sure I’ve ever ask anyone out to their face… is that normal?… I don’t know… feels weird… where was I?… basically it feels like shit to get rejected… but it feels even worse… going through life without at least trying…