Marco Rubio Endorsed by Famous Arts-And-Crafts Lover

David Green, founder and CEO of the arts-and-crafts chain store Hobby Lobby, has turned his brilliant political mind to the presidential campaign, and leveled his mammoth influence onto the head of a Republican who, now, will surely win. That blessed head belongs to none other than Sen. Marco Rubio of Florida.

In a statement released on Sunday, the political giant said of Rubio:

“Marco Rubio has impressed us with his preparation and the way he carries himself. But most importantly, Marco regularly exhibits humility and gives the glory to God...I don’t see humility in Mr. Trump, and that scares me to death.

“Our family business that we began with $600 has quite possibly been more successful than Mr. Trump’s, but that doesn’t make either of us qualified to be president. And unlike Mr. Trump, we give all the credit to God.”

Green is most famous for stripping his female employees of their rights to contraceptives paid for by their insurance and mandated by the Affordable Care Act. He and his family are also known for funneling piles of money into the homeschooling empire of Bill Gothard, who resigned after being accused of molesting dozens of women.

Rubio, who supports emergency birth control methods like the morning-after pill, is a surprising choice for Green, whose family has been a loud voice in anti-abortion circles. At this point, though, choosing one of these three stooges is like choosing the least-rotten egg in the expired carton.