My partner and I are in our late thirties; she and I have two young kids. The problem is that my partner's dad stays with us once a week (until our son was born, it was three days a week!). We don't have a spare room so he sleeps on a Z-bed in the living room. He also stops at ours nearly every day on the way to and from work (we live approximately halfway between where he lives and where he works). He uses the house as his, he has a key, and uses the garage, garden, woodshed and drive as storage for his gardening tools (for his work), which just get in the way. He doesn't maintain his own car, which is a wreck, so he often borrows my partner's for social outings. Recently he took it to northern Spain just after I spent a fortune on the MOT and service. If I bring the subject up or moan about his clutter in the garage, I just get a stroppy response. We had a great relationship when we lived together before we had children and her dad never stayed over. Then when we moved, he started staying, and I'm sure it's affecting our relationship.

No doubt. I'm not a bit surprised that things were much easier before your kids and their grandfather appeared on the scene. Being an unfettered couple is much less demanding on a relationship than in-laws and offspring. It's also a rare and frequently impermanent state.

One of the hardest things about getting together with another human is often the family and friends that come in their wake. First love is all about selfishly submerging yourself in the process of getting to know one another intimately. Most people embarking on a new love affair all but disappear from the radar of those closest to them, popping up for air only when the object of their affection is otherwise engaged. It's a desertion which generally irks and is often to the misplaced chagrin of those who have kept them buoyant during their single days. Misplaced because the early rites of love are about as basic as an instinct comes. If the initial mating is successful, then that 'honeymoon' period, so called because it can't possibly last, is followed by the difficult business of merging two lives. Where once upon a time people got together so young it was only wider family that had to enter the fold - nowadays it's more often two or three decades' worth of friends, lovers and blood relations that have to be accommodated. No wonder it's frequently where the problems start!

However, you're not going to score high on the pity scale for having to endure an irritating in-law; your problem is only unusual in that it's your omnipresent father-in-law - and not your partner's mum - who's got you riled. I'm not belittling your frustration. Having his gardening muck spread like fungus throughout your place must be irritating in the extreme. The trouble is your letter doesn't give me any other little details that would have helped me understand the magnitude of your complaint. You mention that previously neither he nor children were on the scene and life was much more pleasant. What a surprise! Is he close to his grandchildren? Some grandparents will stop at nothing to see the kids, and dumping his equipment at your house certainly ensures unrestricted access. Does your father-in-law actually do anything in return for the favours you bestow on him, such as childminding, or a bit of extracurricular lawn-mowing? Anything to make his presence seem less negative? And why does he have a relationship so reliant on his daughter - are there no other siblings to share the burden? Is your attraction purely geographical or something less obvious? Maybe you could better occupy yourself by making similar enquiries of yourself.

Diplomatic suggestions include offering him a designated spot for his equipment and encouraging him to tidy up and keep it there, citing the potential danger to your kids. Less diplomatically you could just throw out the Z-bed and replace it with a wooden bench. I have a sense that a bit of this anger and frustration is being channelled through your father-in-law towards its primary target, your partner. After all, servicing and getting an MOT is necessary whether cruising northern Spain or otherwise. Your father-in-law may be taking you both for a ride and he's certainly lacking in consideration. But maybe he just likes your company! When you look at the problems other people are forced to live with, yours does come up slightly short. It may be irritating and frustrating but it's probably solvable, with a little work on your communication skills. Your partner certainly needs to understand that her father is causing you immense frustration, but first you need to make sure he's really the root cause.