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The Scholars in the Scholarly Department of Petaluma’s Internationale Instituto De Vino Wino recently published a paper detailing the history of wine as recorded in the Bible. This article summarizes their research.

OLD TESTAMENT

Wine was not looked upon favorably. There are several admonitions—“Do not drink wine nor strong drink”— throughout the Old Testament. We are repeatedly warned against the bad effects of wine:

Binding his foal unto the vine and his ass’s colt unto the choice vine, he washed his garments in wine, and his clothes in the blood of grapes. His eyes shall be red with wine and his teeth white with milk. (Hangover?)

He shall separate himself from wine and strong drink, and shall drink no vinegar of wine, or vinegar of strong drink, neither shall he drink any liquor of grapes, nor eat moist grapes, or dried. (Well, OK. But don’t drink the water either!)

Behold, my belly is as wine which hath no vent; it is ready to burst like new bottles. For I am full of matter, the spirit within me constraineth me. (Perhaps a little Alka Seltzer would have helped?)

Thou hast shewed thy people hard things: thou hast made us to drink the wine of astonishment. (The Instituto Scholars are engaged in further investigation as to what kind of grape produced such wine.)

He that loveth pleasure shall be a poor man: he that loveth wine and oil shall not be rich. (The Instituto Scholars now understand why they are poor.)

BUT IS THERE A SECRET AGENDA IN THE OLD TESTAMENT?

When it comes to what you are to do with the wine that you should not drink—YOU GIVE IT TO THE LORD!

And to bring the first fruits of our ground, and the first fruits of all fruit of all trees, year by year, unto the house of the LORD.

And that we should bring the first fruits of our dough, and our offerings, and the fruit of all manner of trees, of wine and of oil, unto the priests, to the chambers of the house of our God.

NEW TESTAMENT

(The Winemaker’s “Bible”)

So Jesus came again into Cana of Galilee, where he made the water wine.

And no man putteth new wine into old bottles; else the new wine will burst the bottles, and be spilled, and the bottles shall perish. But new wine must be put into new bottles; and both are preserved. No man also having drunk old wine straightway desireth new: for he saith, The old is better.

Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach’s sake and thine often infirmities.