Advice For Engaged Couples

With today’s divorce rate looming at or near the 50% mark, smart engaged couples will ask themselves, each other, and people they trust for solid marriage advice. It is true that young people often feel they “know it all” and don’t really want to ask anyone’s opinion. But many engaged couples are not that young, while others have matured to the point, or learned from experience enough, to understand and appreciate the value of trusted marriage counsel. Because families can be segmented due to spreading out around the country or even moving overseas for military duty or job relocation, it is especially important to get feedback from extended family, close friends, pastoral staff, and even professional marriage counselors before taking the plunge to live “happily ever after.”

If you are thinking of tying the knot or know a couple who has gotten engaged, here are some friendly tips to give them a gentle shove in the right direction for helpful advice.

Talk to each other

Nowadays, communication remains a challenge for busy couples on the run. Hectic schedules, job demands, and possible family duties can interfere with an engaged couple’s efforts to share intimacy by getting to know one another better and address key issues of their impending marriage. It may be necessary to “make an appointment” with each other to sit down, uninterrupted, and discuss the serious issues of building a life together. These may include topics like finances, where to live, child raising, extended family care, and career planning. Personality differences can come into play, which is another reason to work out these issues before getting married.

That way, if problems do surface, they can be dealt with in the engagement stage rather than after the marriage takes place. And if difficulties prove too severe, the couple can call a timeout to see if they can successfully find ways of managing their differences rather than attempt to do this after the nuptials and perhaps find themselves all too soon in divorce court.

Interview your parents and grandparents

If your family history includes many successful marriages, talk to those who have weathered the storms of married life to find out how they did it. If, on the other hand, many relatives’ marriages ended on the rocks, gently try to discover why. This may require more observation and talking to other family members who are closer to the situation than actually interviewing your family members, but you can decide for yourself when the time comes. You also will want to note any negative attitudes toward marriage and family that you won’t want to “inherit.” Some people who have gone through a bad marriage may sound like a man-hater or woman-hater, bitter and blaming all of life’s woes on the spouse that got away. This is a great learning opportunity not to pick up on these bad habits that may disrupt your own marriage.

Discuss marriage with close friends and confidantes

Have a dinner party and invite couples in marriages that you admire. Casually about how they endure and what they recommend to others (like yourselves) to plan for a happy ending to your marriage.

You may prefer having lunch separately with one or two close friends, perhaps even older people, to discuss in general terms their views on marriage and what they might suggest to newlywed couples of your generation.

Schedule premarital counseling with your clergy

Many churches and synagogues, along with other bodies of worship, require a period of premarital counseling or planning to help a couple prepare for their lives together. If your church does not require this, consider arranging it anyway with a member of your pastoral team or someone they recommend. Some churches sponsor marriage encounter weekends or enrichment workshops to strengthen the marriages of members of their congregations. If your church isn’t already doing this, you can ask the pastor or Board of Deacons if such an event can be scheduled for all couples that are members.

Make an appointment with a marriage, family, or relationship counselorMany people assume that you should only see a counselor if you have a relationship problem. The truth is, like doctors, counselors can be consulted on a preventative basis for evaluative surveys or testing to make sure the couple is interacting in positive ways with each other. Problem areas can be identified and discussed at that time. It’s far better to see a counselor and work on issues before marriage than wait for them to escalate and possibly affect the kids that could come along later.

Read self-help books and articles

Depending on your time and interest level, there are thousands of marriage resources available to help engaged couples. From magazine articles that cite marriage experts to books on specific topics like sexual intimacy or preventing infidelity, there is plenty of reading material, audiotapes, and videotapes to keep a couple busy for quite some time. They can go through this material together or separately, agreeing to avoid sensitive issues and discuss the most relevant ones. Materials are available at the public library, bookstores, counseling centers, and pastoral offices or libraries. Engaged couples can join a small group of other couples to discuss the marriage guides and manuals, or they can work on these things solo.

Analyze media examples

You can do this for fun by watching favorite films and analyze with your fiancée why the marriage went sour or the couple appears to be living happily ever after. Of course, media is often just hype, but some films carry a grain or two of truth that is worth examining. It also may help to keep an eye on local newspaper and television news stories, as relationships are often on the front page or the leading news story of a television news program, especially those that go wrong. Some questions to ask are: Why did the couple break up? Was that the best response to the situation? Could that happen to us? What can we do to ensure that it doesn’t?

Engaged couples need all the help they can get, if they are just smart enough to look for it. Marriage is hard work. If you don’t do the work beforehand, you’ll have to do it afterward, when irritations can grow into annoyances, and then become conflicts that can rock the boat of marital stability.

No matter how well you think you know your fiancé, there is probably more you should know. Topics that tend to get overlooked before marriage, but shouldn’t, include the person’s relationship to their family, past history of relationships, attitude toward children and discipline, money management style (spender vs. saver), and predisposition to various types of social activities. For example, a wife who wants to have an annual camping vacation with her spouse and the kids may be in for a rude awakening when she learns her fiancé hates to sleep outdoors. Or a guy who lives for the basketball season on television may become dismayed when his wife expects him to take her to concerts and plays during the televised games.

Much depends on personal desires and expectations, all of which need to be analyzed by engaged couples during the premarital phase of their relationship rather than in the honeymoon phase.

Is He Your Soulmate?

The word "soulmate" often conjures mystical visions of astrology, reincarnation and destiny. But you don't have to believe in the supernatural to know whether the man in your life ignites your passions, shares your worldview and connects with you like no other person. How does your guy rate as a soulmate?" Take this soulmate quiz.

Lifescript.com is now a part of Everyday Health, Inc., and will continue to provide its users with great content and communications through EverydayHealth.com. Please note, Lifescript.com will soon redirect to EverydayHealth.com.