In all the years since Humanity left Earth That Was, much has been forgotten. Old mistakes have been made anew and history has more than once repeated itself, along with some new twists that make the old errors look mild in comparison. And yet, many old traditions have continued almost unchanged since before the great exodus. Certain dates have retained their significance and the giving and exchanging of gifts remains a popular seasonal activity. With one or two exceptions of course…Meanwhile, in Chen’s Throat Emporium…

<SFX: sounds of pub, music and voices in background>

Harry

All I’m sayin’ is that it wouldn’t hurt none for him to show a little bit of….

Burt

Harry, this is Mister Badger we’re talkin’ about

Harry

Yeah but….

Burt

Our employer

Harry

Yeah but he….

Burt

Does what he wants

Harry

That don’t give him the right to…

Burt

It gives him every right. Harry, Mister Badger is the boss. We’re just the hired help as it were

Harry

Aw hell Burt, I know that, it’s just…

Burt

Might be nice if he showed a little bit of common human decency once in a while?

Harry

Well…yeah

Burt

Be grateful for services rendered every now and then?

Harry

That too

Burt

Maybe even receive a gift in the spirit it was intended?

Harry

Exactly my point Burt

<beat>

Burt

You still don’t know Mister Badger very well do you.

Chen

Who doesn’t?

Burt

Ah, Chen. I was just trying to explain to Harry the finer points of what to expect if you give Mister Badger a present at this time of year

Harry

And not explainin’ it very well

Burt

Well, that’s as maybe. Those our drinks?

Chen

No I just carry this heavy tray around for the exercise. You got coin?

Burt

Can’t you just stick it on the….

Chen

No tab! Not since that last little credit incident. You drink, you pay

Burt

Yeah yeah..

<SFX: coins exchanged, drinks put down>

Harry

And you can wipe that smile off your face Harry, it’s your round next

<beat>

Chen

So who made the mistake of giving Badger a Christmas present?

Harry

Ah…that’d be me I guess

Burt

And the bigger mistake of expecting something in return

Chen

What? Your Christmas bonus a bit on the thin side this year Harry?

Harry

Nah, it’s just…

Burt

And here we go again

Chen

So what did you give him?

Harry

Ah….

Burt

Go on. Tell her.

Harry

Ah….The Little Book of Calm

<beat>

Chen

You’re kidding

Harry

Hey it’s a genuine antique from Earth That Was

Chen

Just like this one?

Harry

Yeah exactly like….hey, wait a minute!

Burt

Oh this is good

Harry

<agitated> That’s the book I gave Badger! I mean the actual copy, I recognise the stains on the cover!

<not at all calm> What in the sphincter of hell is that supposed to mean?

Burt

Or maybe the last page might be more edifying: “ If you have enjoyed this facsimile antique edition, why not pass it on” Compliments of Waffler, Tat and Kitsch, a division of The Blue Sun Corporation

<beat>

Harry

Oh.

Chen

Can I have my book back now?

Burt

What? Oh sorry Chen, there ya go.

Chen

<very slightly annoyed> Thank you!

<Chen leaves>

Harry

Look, that still doesn’t explain why Badger not only didn’t even say thank you, but now he’s simply passing on gifts to the next acquaintance he bumps into?

Burt

Well it is the season of giving

Harry

That’s what I thought!

Burt

Yeah, but you didn’t think it all the way through did you

Harry

Huh?

Burt

You failed to take into consideration the fact that Mister Badger is a tight arsed git with all the seasonal cheer of a plague ridden Reaver and just as likely to give you a hug and a kiss under the mistletoe as acknowledge a pressie from a minion as anything other than his rightful due to do with what he wishes.

Harry

Oh. That.

Burt

Never mind. It’s your round

Harry

How’s that supposed to make me feel better?

Burt

It’s not. But it will do me a world of good!

<fade through pub music to end title/credit>

Voiceover

Next time, Burt and Harry discuss trust and obligation in financial transactions….

Harry

I don’t get it. That was a guaranteed authentic genuine centuries old..……what?