Script

[A bustling scene on a dock. A large lake is behind the dock, a stage is off to the left, and the whole place is being dressed for Halloween. Beyond the lake, a lighthouse looks over the scene. At center is a booth for a radio station. The camera moves in]

DJ:

[with classic 1970's big hair] We're here live at the KOZY 102.1 Halloween Haunt at the South Park docks! Come on down! We've got a haunted house [Chef finished pinning a banner on the top right corner of the stage] and everyone is decorating for tomorrow night, [one man pins a rubber bat to a shack roof, another walks past with a jack-o-lantern] HALLOWEEN, when the band KoRn, that's right, KoRn, is going to play live! And don't forget to wear a costume tomorrow, because there's a big first prize! Why, here's some kids enjoying the Halloween Haunt now! [Kenny, Kyle, and Stan walk past, but turn to face the DJ] Say boys, what do you think of KOZY-FM's Halloween Haunt so far? [lowers the boom mic to Stan]

Stan:

This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt. [turns and walks away with Kyle and Kenny]

DJ:

Uh-hall right! Well, enjoy the spooky docks, kids.

[Further down the dock. The boys keep walking, and Cartman runs up to meet them]

Cartman:

Hey you guys! [they stop] You know what time of year it is?

Kyle:

Of course, dumbass, it's Halloween.

Cartman:

That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry—

Welcome to Spooky Laboratory. [pulls out a blindfold and puts it over Cartman's eyes] I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show around the lab. [leads him to a table on which is a bowl of eggs and a bowl of lime Jell-o cubes]

Cartman:

Cool!

Dr. Spookalot:

[helps him up to a chair] Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.

Cartman:

[rolls his fingers around the eggs] Ewww-hoohooo.

Dr. Spookalot:

[switches bowls] And here you can feel the brains.

Cartman:

[rolls his fingers through the lime Jell-o cubes] Oh-HO, grohoss.

Dr. Spookalot:

[leads him to an ass] And here you can feel the warm innards of the body [Cartman reaches into the ass's ass and the ass looks surprised]

Cartman:

Eewww, it feels like cold spaghetti! You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!

[Stan, Kyle, and Kenny walk past a shack on which hangs a banner: "COSTUME CONTEST TOMORROW"]

Kenny:

(You guys, I'm gonna try and win that costume contest!)

Kyle:

[two older boys peek out from behind some boxes, then drop down] Give it up, Kenny! You're not gonna win that costume contest! Your costumes always suck. [the boy with his picture on the shirt pops out and faces them]

I'm sick of those fifth graders scaring us all the time! We should come up with a way to scare them!

Kyle:

Yeah! Let's see how they like it!

[The KOZY-FM booth. The DJ is joined by the town's priest]

DJ:

Joining me now is Father Maxi, from the South Park Church. Father, what do you think of all the preparations here at the docks?

Priest Maxi:

Halloween is an abomination of God! A celebration of the occult-eh!

DJ:

Yeah, and how about KoRn playing the big concert tomorrow? Pretty exciting, huh?

Priest Maxi:

KoRn is a devil-worshiping group that plays violent music! If we allow that demon band to play on this most unholy of holidays, we may incur the full wrath of evil!

DJ:

Alriight, we'll see you tomorrow for Halloween! In the meantime [suddenly soft] here's a KOZY hit by Barry Manilow.

[The lake. The boys are still on the docks...]

Stan:

Come on, you guys, think! How can we scare the fifth graders? It has to be something reeaally scary.

Cartman:

We could get a big scary plastic spider, and dangle it in front of them on a string... s- spooky spider, that's pretty scary.

Kyle:

That's not scary, fatass!

Stan:

Well, come on! We can think of something better than stupid pirate ghosts! [all turn left and walk off. As they walk towards the shore, they pass a shack. After they pass, three pirate ghosts peek out from behind the shack, scowling]

Pirate Ghosts:

Darrrr!

[The woods. A van rumbles down a road. On the side it reads, "KoRn." Several men inside it talk]

I know who you are and what you stand for! I think your music and Halloween is an abomination!

Jonathan:

Groovy! Could you show us where to set up?

[The boys walk a little further, and Cartman pulls the sled over to one side of a stack of boxes]

Stan:

Alright, let's just set her over here behind these boxes. [Cartman hides the body behind the boxes]

Kyle:

Shouldn't we hide her better than that?

Stan:

Kyle, will you stop worrying? God! Now, we'll all be back here tomorrow with our costumes, and then, when the Halloween party gets going, we'll bust out dead Grandma! Let's go! [they start walking away]

Kyle:

Wait till you guys see my costume! It's gonna be sweet!

Kenny:

(Mine is so fuckin' badass it's gotta win now!)

Cartman:

Oh, come on, Kenny! You never have a sweet costume! You're not gonna win the costume contest!

Kenny:

(Yes I am! I've got the costume; it's waiting in the house! Yesterday I got this huge package in the mail, and it was big, okay?) [The dog returns and sniffs the body from a distance. It approaches slowly, sniffing. Then it lifts the covering and drags the body away.]

[The next day. Two uniformed men approach the Broflovski house. One of them rings the bell.]

Sheila:

Hold on, kids. [grabs the candy bowl next to the door and opens the door with it in hand]

Brunet:

Mrs. Broflovski?

Sheila:

Yes?

Brunet:

We're from Mt. Peaceful Cemetery. Could we have a word with you?

Sheila:

Eehh, sure, come in. [they follow her in and sit on the sofa. She takes the armchair, and they look at each other] What is it?

Brunet:

Ms. Broflovski... somebody has defiled your mother's grave.

Sheila:

Defiled? How?

Blond:

Well, I'm afraid that... somebody dug her up.

Sheila:

Dug her up? Why??

Brunet:

Well. The- most likely reason is that... somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.

Blond:

Yeahp.

Sheila:

What?!

Brunet:

Uhuh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak.

Blond:

Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable.

Sheila:

Hoh, dear God!

Brunet:

Yes. By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.

Sheila:

[sadly rubs her eyes] Oooh.

Blond:

No-, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it.

Sheila:

[helplessly] O-o-o-o-oh!

Brunet:

Yes. And, now for the difficult part.

Blond:

Brace yourself.

Brunet:

It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like — an overloved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably-

Sheila:

Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell me what you're gonna do about it!

Brunet:

...Do?

Blond:

Oh, we don't do anything. We're just the watchmen.

Brunet:

Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might wanna call the police or something.

Sheila:

O-o-ogh! [gets up and walks away. The men just sit there]

Brunet:

[to the blond] Now, he probably would make love to the dead body in a cool dry place, so as not to allow further decomposition. [the blond indicates he's thinking by placing his index finger to his lips]

[The Cartman house. A delivery man walks towards it with a package and rings the bell. Cartman answers]

Delivery Man:

Package delivery for Mrs. Cartman?

Cartman:

A package? Oh, really? Well, I think I can sign for that!

Delivery Man:

Sign heah, and heah, and heah. [Cartman signs and the delivery man goes away. Cartman closes the door and dances with glee]

Cartman:

I got a Christmas present! I got a Christmas present! [stops] ...Maybe I can see what it is. I'll just open one little corner. [lifts up a corner of the wrapping] Let's see here. [yanks the wrapping off and away] That's good, I'll rewrap it later! [the box reads, "LIFESIZED Blow-Up ANTONIO BANDERAS LOVE DOLL. WITH REALISTIC GENITALIA"] Oh, sweet! Life-sized blow-up Antonio Banderas love doll! With realistic geni-ta-lia. [takes the doll out] Oh, this kicks ass! What a cool Christmas present my mom got! [blows it up through the penis]

[The lake. The docks are bustling again, and the DJ is in his booth]

DJ:

It's Halloween day, so come on down to the docks and bring your costumes! [a ghost and Ultraman walk by while a joker stands next to the boxes. Stan and Kyle are nearby in their costumes]

Stan:

[a cowboy sheriff in white] Where's Kenny? He said he had the best Halloween costume ever. [Kyle is a clown in a yellow jacket]

Screw Halloween, I already got my Christmas present! In a few days I'll wrap it back up, and then when I open it on Christmas, I'll act all, like, surprised, like "Oh Mother, Antonio Banderas life-sized blow-up doll! What a surprise!" [heavy machinery is heard, and the boys look up to see an ED-209 unit walking towards them. It stops, turns, and settles into place]

Okay, people. I know we all want to get down to the docks for the Halloween Haunt, but first we just need to inform you about thee- people or persons out there digging up bodies to have sex with them. Gentlemen? [leaves. The watchmen step up]

Brunet:

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. A person who steals bodies to have sex with them is called a necrophiliac. So that you all know what to expect, my partner Alan has a sketch of what having sex with a dead body might look like. [Alan shows the sketch]

Crowd:

Ee-oooh!

Brunet:

Yes, we know it's horrible. It's probably best you not look at it. Now, Alan will demonstrate what having sex with a dead body might sound like. [Alan pulls out a jar of mayonnaise and jams his fist into it, proceeding to simulate the act. He begins to look surprised at what he's doing as his arm gets covered with mayonnaise]

Crowd:

Awwwgh! [Alan continues]

Man:

Excuse me, how is this helping?

Barbrady:

That's it, folks. Now, we can all go to the docks and enjoy the Halloween Haunt.

Pirate voice:

Noo! Don't go to the docks! [the camera looks up to see a pirate ghost floating outside the Mayor's office] Aarrrgh! [the crowd gasps and screams] Argh, I'm Captain Bly! You land-lubbers had better stay away from the docks! Or else, there'll be hell to pay! [the crowd is afraid. Women scream] Fire the cannon! [a pirate ship appears high above the road, and a cannon goes off. The ball lands amid the crowd and leaves a crater. Bodies are strewn all over] Har harharharhar! [the crowd disperses. A couple runs into another pirate ghost]

[rushed to the podium] I warned you! I told you this would happen! [survivors sit up and begin to look his way] When you allow bands like KoRn to come to town and play your hedonistic Halloween concerts, this is what you get!

[The docks. KoRn is practicing on stage.]

Jonathan:

Great rehearsal, gang. That was really groovy. Let's practice one more time before the show starts.

DJ:

Aah, guys, I'm sorry, but the Halloween Haunt's been cancelled.

Jonathan:

Cancelled?

DJ:

You best clear out of here! There's pirate ghosts, and they'll kill you. [leaves]

Jonathan:

Well gang, it looks like we have to pack it up.

The Others:

Awww. [Stan and friends walk towards the stage]

Kyle:

God-damnit! Now, what the hell are we gonna do?!

Munky:

Oh, hey! The kids from last night.

Head:

Wow! Is that the Antonio Banderas life-sized blow-up doll? [Kenny catches up with his friends]

David:

Hey, Kenny.

Kenny:

[frustrated] (Aw, man!) [he can't impress anyone]

Jonathan:

Say, what's the matter? You kids look kind of glum.

Kyle:

Somebody took my dead grandma.

Fieldy:

What?

Stan:

We dug her up 'cause we wanted to scare the fifth graders, but then, something took her body away.

Kyle:

Now she's doomed to walk the earth in limbo. [starts to sob]

Fieldy:

Aw, I hate to see little clowns cry.

Jonathan:

Well, that does it. Somethin' funny is going on here. Your missing grandma must be connected somehow to those creepy pirate ghosts.

David:

They're not pirate ghosts, Jonathan, they're ghost pirates.

Jonathan:

Huh?

David:

"Pirate ghost" would suggest that a pirate died, and became a ghost, but a ghost pirate is a ghost that later made a conscious decision to be a pirate.

Munky:

No, David. Then they are pirate ghosts, because they're the ghosts of pirates.

Fieldy:

You're wrong, because there were no pirates in Colorado. So these must be ghosts that have decided to become pirates after the fact.

Jonathan:

But that makes them pirate ghosts.

David:

No. It makes them ghost pirates.

Munky:

Pirate ghosts!

Head:

Guys! Guys! Guys! Fighting isn't gonna solve anything. Don't you see? This is exactly what those ghost pirates want us to do.

Jonathan:

Pirate ghosts.

Kyle:

Then, you'll help us?

Jonathan:

Sure, we'll help you. If there's one thing we like more than playing music, it's solvin' a groovy mystery.

The Boys:

Al-right!

[City Hall. People are still laying on floor. Chef arrives]

Chef:

Is everybody okay?

Sheila:

[people gather around Chef] People stealing bodies to have sex with them? Pirate ghosts destroying the town? When did everything go so wrong?

Gerald:

I hate to say it, but I think Priest Maxi was right. This is what we get for celebrating Halloween and allowing that band KoRn to come play.

Mr. Garrison:

He's right! Nothin' ever went wrong in this town before that evil KoRn band showed up.

Sharon:

Well, I say we go find them and kick their devil-worshiping butts out of town!

Crowd:

Yeah! [various exclamations follow]

Randy:

Lynch mob! [torches and pitch forks appear and the crowd begins to move]

Man:

Down with KoRn!

[Halloween night, the docks. KoRn and the boys are still talking...]

Jonathan:

So this is where you last saw your dead grandma.

Kyle:

Right. [Kenny walks along the shore way in the background]

Stan:

Maybe there really are pirate ghosts and they took her inside.

Jonathan:

Alright, gang, we have to split up and look for clues.

Stan:

How should we split up?

Jonathan:

I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life, which they can overcome, go this way, [points to his right] and everyone whose insecurities sabotage their potential to overcome those obstacles go that way. [points to his left]

KoRn:

O-kay! [the groups separates in two. In the secure group are Stan, Kyle, Jonathan, Munky, and Fieldy. In the insecure group are Cartman, Kenny, David, and Head]

Kyle:

Wow! That was easy.

[The lynch mob reaches the docks and head for the van. Randy reaches it first.]

Randy:

[excitedly] Here's their van! Here's their van!

Woman:

Let's flip it over!

Some Folks:

Yeah!

Barbrady:

[moves to intervene] Okay, people, let's try to stay orderly. The best way to do this is, all get on one side and push it from the top. [the crowd moves in and starts pushing. Even Barbrady participates]

Man:

Devil worshipers! [the van tips over]

Crowd:

Yeah!

Man 2:

Come on, they gotta be around here somewhere!

[A warehouse. The secure group walks along with Nibblet. Munky is not with them.]

Stan:

This place gives me the creeps.

Jonathan:

Say, this looks like a clue. [picks up a book: "Pirate Lore of South Park, By A.R.R. Robbins"] "Pirate Lore of South Park." Hmmm. Now, why would pirate ghosts need a book on pirates? [something metallic falls]

Kyle:

Whoa. What was that?

Jonathan:

The noise came from in here. Stay close, everybody! [opens a door and goes in. The rest follow]

Fieldy:

[runs into a supporting pole] Oh, no! I lost my glasses.

[The insecure group walks in a darkened part of the warehouse. Munky is in that group now.]

Head:

What does this dead grandma look like?

Cartman:

Uh, she was all, like, crunchy and crispy and stuff.

David:

Hey, I got an idea. [all stop] We should set a groovy trap.

Munky:

Good idea.

Cartman:

How do we trap a bunch of pirate ghosts?

David:

We need something that might catch their eye to use as bait. I know, your Antonio Banderas love doll.

Cartman:

[holds the doll tight] Oh, no! This is my Christmas present! If anything happens to it, my mom will know I opened it early!

Munky:

Come on, kid. We all have to do our part, even Antonio.

[The lit side of the warehouse. Fieldy is still looking for his glasses]

Fieldy:

My glasses gotta be around here somewhere. [a peg-legged pirate ghost appears next to him] Is that you, Jonathan? Boy, I'm glad to see you. I lost my glasses.

[turns to face him] Oh, I was talking to you, Jonathan. ...Hey, wait a minute. If you're over there, then how could you be over here? Unless you're actually a...

All:

Puh-puuhh pirate ghost! [all scatter]

Peg-leg:

Raaarrrgh!

[The darkened part of the warehouse. The trap is set]

David:

Okay. Here's how the trap will work. When the pirate ghosts walk in, they should go right for Antonio Banderas. [the camera now follows the trap as David describes it] When they hit the super-slippery floor, they'll slide onto this mining cart, which should travel down this path, into the next room, where the fish net will fall on them.

[hits the slick] Aaaah! [the trap works exactly as David said it would]

Head:

Oh, no!

Secure group:

Aaaah! [the cart hits the wall and stops. The insecure group rushes in]

Stan:

Ow!

David:

Hold on, guys! [the lynch mob, led by the watchmen, bursts through the doors and moves in on the group]

Brunet:

Alright, KoRn, time for you to get out of town! [the pirate ghosts appear]

Pirate Ghosts:

Aarrrrgh.

Crowd:

[frightened] Aaaaaah!

Randy:

KoRn is sending their demon minions upon us!

Crowd:

[shrieking] Aaaaaah!

Jonathan:

[to his band mates] Alright, gang. Looks like we're gonna have to use our special KoRn powers. [the five members huddle and link hands to forearms] KoRn powers, vitalize! [starbursts abound as each member transforms]

Munky:

Munky!

David:

David!

Fieldy:

Fieldy!

Head:

Head!

Jonathan:

Jonathan!

KoRn:

Form of... CORN! [final starbursts give way to various corn products: two corncobs, a tub of popcorn, a can of creamed corn, and one corn kernel. The tub of popcorn swells and spits out several popped kernels. The townsfolk just stare and the corn products stay still. The pirates are seen staring. Soon, the products revert to the band mates]

Jonathan:

Alright! Great job, gang! [The townsfolk stare]

Cartman:

That didn't help at all.

Head:

We know. It's just cool to do.

Pirate Ghosts:

Aarrrrgh!

Nibblet:

[floating up to release the net] Nibblet! [releases the net, and it lands on the pirate ghosts]

KoRn:

[grateful] Nibblet!

Barbrady:

What the hell is that thing??

David:

You did it, Nibblet! You trapped them!

Jonathan:

[approaches the net] Yeah. And now let's see who these pirate ghosts really are! [the ghosts disappear, and he throws his palms up] Oh, I guess they really were pirate ghosts.

[notices some twine hanging from two trap doors on the ceiling] Hehey, look what Nibblet sees. [pulls on the twine, and the doors open. Priest Maxi falls to the ground]

Priest Maxi:

Whoa! [lands with a thud]

Chef:

What the...?

Man:

Father Maxi?

Priest Maxi:

[gets up] Well, what are you waiting for, Barbrady?! Arrest that band!

Barbrady:

Oh?

Jonathan:

No! Arrest him!

Mob:

Huh??

Jonathan:

I think I've got this groovy mystery solved!

[Outside. The mystery has apparently been explained. The priest is now under arrest]

Chef:

Well, I must say I still don't get this at all.

Jonathan:

It's simple. Priest Maxi didn't want there to be a Halloween, so he decided to scare everyone away from the docks.

David:

Yeah. And then he used this flashlight and some cotton swabs to create the ghosts. [shows the flashlight and swabs, then shines the light through the swabs. The pirate ghosts appear in the distance]

Fieldy:

[with some cheese and a cup] Then all he needed was some sound effects created by this cup and a piece of cheese. [holds them to his mouth and sounds] Aaaaraargh!

Jonathan:

And all he had to do then was create a ghost ship, by using some candles, a mirror, and two squirrels. [genuflects to place the candle between the mirror and the squirrels. A pirate ship appears on the lake]

Chef:

Father, why did you go to all this trouble?

Priest Maxi:

Because Halloween is an abomination of God. I would do anything to stop this wretched, unholy holiday!

Chef:

Including killing people and wreaking havoc all over South Park?

Brunet:

Don't you see that by trying to stop Halloween you've scared the hell out of everybody?

Priest Maxi:

No.

Barbrady:

Okay buddy, you can explain downtown! [takes the priest away]

Sheila:

Well, this is all fine and good, but it doesn't explain what happened to my mother's body!

[The stage on the docks. KoRn is preparing for their concert. The mob is spread out in front of the stage. Jonathan takes the mic.]

Jonathan:

Well, this sure has been a wacky night, but me and the gang learned a lot, and we hope you did too. You all perceived us to be mean, evil people, but, really, we're just normal guys. And we all perceived pirate ghosts to be real when, actually, they were just cotton swabs. So I guess the lesson is: it's easy to perceive somethin' someway, and then be wrong. So we all need to learn to be a little less perceptive.

All:

[reflecting] Yeah.

Jonathan:

The gang and I wrote a song about it, and it goes goes a little somethin' like this:And a-one, and-a-two, and a [goes right into "Falling Away From Me." The strobe lights come on, and the crowd looks a little stunned. The fifth graders are at the very front of the crowd, and the body of Grandma Broflovski inches up to them]

Antonio, no! [sees Nibblet and goes after it] You son of a bitch chicken from outer space... thing, come back here! [KoRn continues playing. At another part of the docks, Mr. Garrison holds court over the Halloween Costume Contest. Kenny is present]

Mr. Garrison:

And the winner of the costume contest is [reads the name] Wendy, for her Chewbacca costume! Come on up, Wendy. [she rushes up and stands next to him]

Kenny:

[droops] (Awww.)

[End of KORN's Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery... Wait a minute! Dejected, Kenny walks away slowly from the crowd. A tiny snowspeeder flies by and wraps a cable around his costume's legs. He begins to stumble]

Kenny:

(What the hell? What the fuck is this?!) [two more speeders fly by and bomb him to bits, and rats converge on him.]