As Chicago is as quiet as a tryptophan slumber, I’m stuck at work and I’d rather gouge an eye than cover Black Friday shopping, I will be using this post to announce new and exciting changes to the privacy policy for 1,001 Chicago Afternoons and its multinational corporate holding shell, thouagoftnernoo Inc., a Delaware Corporation.

We’re as open with our policies as we are with your data. That’s the 1,001 Chicago Afternoons Way.®

Section 1: Data Policies

thouagoftnernoo Inc., a Delaware Corporation, does not collect your data. We revel in it.

We dance a bright mazurka in your thoughtspace, trodding upon every aspect of your secrets from your SSN and blood type to the number of times you google your ex during lonely Uber rides home from the bar on rainy Fridays. That’s our “secret recipe” for bringing you the finest in Chicago stories,

When you log onto 1001chicago.com or download our mobile app — also known as the same website just on a screen that’s harder to hit links on — our infobots automatically reach into your phone, tablet, laptop, desktop, Apple Watch, Fitbit, Zune, Geomate Jr., pacemaker, pets’ data chips, car GPS and that bar code tattoo you thought would be edgy to scour for the following information:

Name

Rank

Serial number

Phone number

Avogadro’s number

Preference in coffee

Preference in fine cable-knit sweaters

Last time you called your mother because she worries about you

Sex (gender)

Sex (life)

SEX (track 8 from Frank Zappa’s 1983 album “The Man from Utopia”)

Social Security number

National security number

Number of Russian spambots you’ve interacted with on Facebook

That thing you googled at work and deleted from your browser history even though you know deep down the IT guy could still see what you looked up — you know exactly what I’m talking about

Cat photos. All of them.

Other

We steal your secrets. That’s the 1,001 Chicago Afternoons Way.®

Section 2: Data Security

1,001 Chicago Afternoons has never had a data breach for one simple reason: customer service.

In short, whether you’re a Russian hacker or a right-wing militia looking to radicalize disaffected white boys, we see ours as a client-vendor relationship. If you want it, we’ve got it and at such low, low rates we’re practically giving it away!

Just in time for Black Friday we’ve got a doorbuster deal on voting history, sexual preference and — as a ONE-DAY ONLY special add-on — FOID ownership and how often 1,001 Chicago Afternoon readers have googled “Podesta emails Hillary Benghazi”!

Just call Crazy Ronny at our convenient Schaumburg location and ask for the Deep State Special. Just $299.99 with approved rates to qualified buyers.

Housewives, has this happened to you? You’ve got new neighbors, they’re coming over for dinner and — oh no! — you don’t know whether they’ve spoken on conditions of anonymity to special counsel Robert Mueller!

Buck up, Big Orange, because we have you covered: Email access, keystroke capture, MP4 files of your new pals saying “Siri, what is the quickest route to special counsel Robert Mueller’s house to give potentially damaging information on the ownership history of 666 Fifth Avenue?” Never have an awkward dinner party again! Good neighbors share. Great neighbors know when to keep their mouths shut. Only $599.99, down to $499.99 with the coupon code “GOODNEIGHBORS.”

And our biggest deal of the year is our special limited-time only We Know Everything, Margaret Ayers of Galesburg, Illinois, Holidaze Sales Event!

At a special rate of $3,999.99 the first month and low monthly installments of $499.99 after, 1,001 Chicago Afternoons and multinational corporate holding shell, thouagoftnernoo Inc., a Delaware Corporation, will — for a limited time only — NOT tell the Knox County State’s Attorney’s Office about the contents of a shipping crate received on December 16, 2014.

At prices these low, this offer won’t last long! This offer won’t last long at all, Margaret. Special rates apply. Available only to qualified buyer.