Martha Stewart officially destroys tailgating

[ED:BISB - Changed title to avoid gender war, which the women would win because they have better attention spans and the ability to turn any argument into a slightly different argument that they can win]

Edit: I suppose I should clarify, becuase we have some excellent women on this board. Women that read Martha Stewart Magazine and save Good Housekeeping's for years so that they don't forget that "cute christmas wrap idea" have officially ruined tailgating. The rest of you may go about your business.

No, dammit. No, no, no, no, no. A tailgate is not a time to go all Martha Stewart. It is not a time to plan a fall afternoon of "activities". There are three activities at a tailgate. Eat, Drink and watch/listen to football while waiting for the game to start.

DAMMIT, Women! This is why we can't have nice things!

This, this is what you are envisioning.

This is not a tailgate. It is a fall dinner party. Schedule it for any day but Saturday, and we men will happily attend, make polite chatter, and then recuse ourselves to the basement/den to wath baseball or preseason NBA games while you do your prattling.

Guy who had his last football Saturday ruined by a group of women who complained he wasn't "participating". I had my beer and my eyes on the TV. That is how you participate in a damned tailgate! Not by doing the friggin christmas name-draw!

From now on, my creator will deploy this account to track posts and/or comments that make statements which are distasteful and/or alienate members of the MGoCommunity on the basis of race, sex, gender, orientation, nationality, veteran status and disability. Offending posts will be noted, suggestions to improve discourse will be offered, and points will be tallied by username in two categories: the Creeper Cone of Shame and the Upstanding Citizen's Cup. The Cone will be bestowed biannually to the poster with the most offenses, and the Cup will be given to the user with most positive contributions to making all feel welcome.

Edit: Apparently I needed to be a bit more clear. In context, the above statement was quite comical. It's just that "coal" jokes are all too prevalent in my life. If you are confused, please refer to my username. If confusion STILL arises, Cole... coal... ha.... Why am I posting this? I do not know. Joke = funny. Moving along.

"This is the EMU game, not the emo game."

a fancy tailgate with "activities" would creep me out. But I do enjoy a large supply of different appetizers (may or may not be from PInterest), a main dish (can be hot dogs) and some great desserts. No activities or fine China! And no warm beer! cold beer, whiskey sours, and maybe Bloody Mary's for a noon game. I pass on the Wine for a tailgate. Sangria is OK.

The bloody mary is the most criminally overlooked beverage in existence. Most people seem to love them, yet they rarely order them. Whenever I'm in Vegas I'm usually ordering them and I couldn't count the number of people near me who always say, "Wow, that sounds really good. I'll have one too!" It's a unisex drink too which improves its utility at a party.

And i have a bloody mary recipe that I thought I'd share, passed down from my late stepfather, a UM B-School grad. This is a relatively mild spice load so you may add more to suit your taste, but follow the basic ingredients.

1 half-gallon jug of Clamato Juice

1 teaspoon tabasco

2 teaspoons lemon juice

3 teaspoons worcester

2 teaspoons horseradish (not the creamy kind)

After you mix the jug, you can pour some off and replace with vodka, so it's all ready to go.

Serve over ice of course, and top it off with a splash of beer. it adds a nice bit of effervescence and cuts the viscousness of the tomato juice.

An English major until I couldn't speak French, Bachelor of General Studies.

I mean, are you married? It turns out that, by the time somebody likes you enough to marry you, she will put up with being told to go to hell during football games every once in a while. I was a little surprised, too, but it works. Just don't let anybody put anything about paying attention to anyone during fall Saturdays into your vows and you're good.

The Macallan 18 is my favorite spirit of all time. I like Bourbon, too, and Irish whiskey for good measure. I'll take just about any barrel-aged, distilled spirit from grains. The flavors of vanilla, oak and caramel are always high on my list.

Went on the Kentucky Bourbon Trail just this week, in fact. Stopped at Four Roses and tried their three whiskeys sold here in the U.S. (yellow label, small batch and single barrel). I was fairly impressed.

I encourage proper dress, in fact. After all, one does not want to be mistaken for a slovenly hobo while drinking outdoors.

Just don't ask me why it's so important that I get the signal in for the noon games when we're going to a live game at 3:30. And more importantly, don't glare at me when you're trying to chat me up about new landscaping ideas and I respond with a grunt and a comment on WVU's defense.

"This is the EMU game, not the emo game."

I've been to a Clemson game in September. If you think its anywhere close to being fair that girls can wear airy dresses while guys have to wear a stiffling coat and tie then you've got another thing coming. The girls in the South are outstanding but the guys are clearly all idiots.

I'm not so sure what's wrong with all this. Once you get past "mandatory" flag football or Bacci ball (oh, and I'll concede the decorations sound terrible), you have:

Cheese quesadillas (with guacamole and sour cream)

Veggie platters with dip

Chips and salsa

Make-your-own-fajita station

Hot chocolate

That doesn't sound terrible to me. The food is pretty much in line with what I would expect to see at a backyard family tailgate, although none of my drinks of choice are represented. Maybe I'd prefer some more barbeque, but if the alternative is fajitas you won't hear any complaining from me.

We bring you to Michigan to take care of Michigan. Your job is to protect that block M.
-Carol Hutchins

If I'm at the game I'd rather be eating brats and burgers (actually I'd rather be eating some kind of pork, but whatever), but I'm not sure how fajitas and quesadillas suddenly got less manly because it's a fall Saturday. Also, if you don't like chips and salsa or some vegetables and ranch...I don't even know, man.

We bring you to Michigan to take care of Michigan. Your job is to protect that block M.
-Carol Hutchins

Right up until "make your own fajita station." At that point, I had visions of white coated waitstaff, and little finger foods, and china. Also, stemware. Also, nothing called "crudite" should ever be allowed at a tailgate. Sure, I get that they're cut up veggies, but still...

When I say "make-your-own-fajita station" what that usually means for me is putting the crockpot full of venison steak, onions and peppers on the counter with tortillas, a bag of shredded cheese, a tub of sour cream and some different hot sauces out on my kitchen island.

And you now have me thinking about a make your own fajita station tonight, dammit.

We bring you to Michigan to take care of Michigan. Your job is to protect that block M.
-Carol Hutchins

I'll tell you what's wrong. Nowhere does it mention beer or any actual watching of football. This is what happens when you mix the Martha-Stewart-esque desire to have phony perfection in everything you do, with the same attitude responsible for the creation of "woman-caves." The people who try this sort of thing with the expectation that it'll actually work are the same people who were the only ones not having having fun at their wedding (despite being the bride) because shit didn't go down exactly has planned.

I have no use for tailgaiting (not that I make it to games much). I don't like to eat before games because I'm always a little sick to my stomach during them, and I don't like being distracted by anything a good hour before kickoff (and then during the game, of course). The team needs my total focus.*

I think it's a marvelous idea to decorate the tailgate table with "fall colors." Because that's what people like! I also like to "line my veggie bowls" with lettuce, because again, that's what people fucking kill for. And what a wonderful idea to serve grilled cheese quesadillas, which of course are a staple at all pre-game festivities! This is precious! I can't wait to play Baci Saturday all goddamn day before the Michigan game! I'm going to kill everyone at Baci!!! In other words, THANK YOU MARTHA!!

Guy who had his last football Saturday ruined by a group of women who complained he wasn't "participating". I had my beer and my eyes on the TV. That is how you participate in a damned tailgate! Not by doing the friggin christmas name-draw!

Martha Stewart is from Westport, CT and this article is in the Wesport Patch. I'm assuming that's the connection that the OP was making.

As for the artcile, I've been enjoying it and the comments all week since Jason Kirk tweeted about it on Monday. I went to college in the town next to Wesport and this type of party would be very typical for the residents of Connecticut's "Gold Coast". As others have noted, it doesn't sound like a bad party, just not a good tailgate. Also, in my opinion you can't have a tailgate at your house. That would be considered a BBQ. Without a car there is no tailgate.

To be fair, this is probably a bit unfair to the actual Martha Stewart -- she would do a better job than this. For one, like the OP, she'd recognize that the decor (and attire) should be about fandom -- I'm not quite sure what tasteful fandom looks like, but I'm sure she would be happy to show me. I think it might involve pennants. Second, I'd hope she'd recognize that to be a "tailgater," you'd have to hold it in your driveway, not in the backyard.

This has nothing to do with treating women like objects. He said they destroy tailgates, which requires agency. How can you treat something like an object while simultaneously affirming its agency? Not all instances of misogyny are instances of treating women like objects.

5 minutes of work is outrageous. I've got it made being a stay at home mom. My job improved dramatically once the third child headed off to Kindergarten. Sadly, now I have just discovered how lazy I actually am.

The 12 hour waiting period I was referring to was for poorly titled threads, not your response. I can imagine sometimes people start a thread and then ten minutes later they think,"D'oh!".

WHOA!!! I just bookmarked this thread so I can show my wife the next time she yells about how I've got it easy going to work everyday instead of staying at home with the kids. (Of course, our two are younger than kindergarten age so I assume I'll lose the argument again. Dammit.)

Edit: Now that I think about it, if he had been smarter, he would have known that making girls look stupid is no way to endear himself to dumb girls and smart girls alike. So while trying to make himself look smart by making girls look dumb, he missed the opportunity that other, nicer boys who, instead of spending time making girls look dumb, were spending time getting laid. Make sense?

No, because jerks have exponentially better chances at getting laid. A friend of mine actually turned that into an experiment. All I'll say is that the hypothesis had remarkable predictive ability and that he's dedicated the past year and a half to expanding his sample size.

No offense, but no. You may gravitate toward nice guys, and think that therefore men should find it easier to get girls by being nice, but it doesn't work that way. Being nice has landed me, and by and large most of my friends, in second place, every single time. No girl or woman I've ever wanted to sleep with, date, marry, or otherwise be in some kind of relationship with has ever responded positively to coming on nice. They think they do, but they don't. Getting wasted and slapping on a nametag with my pornstar name on it, however? Go figure.

You know how men say they don't understand women? They're right. You're mistaking confidence and surehandedness for dickishness. I guess there are women out there who mistake those two things as well. But the female fantasy isn't to sleep with an asshole. The female fantasy is to be with a guy who isn't a metrosexual pussy but a caveman who will throw you down but then offer to do your laundry, a guy who will be genuinely kind to some homeless person on the street, one who will talk to your mother on the phone in a really endearing way even when he doesn't want to. Seriously, when you figure out that we want a good dose of testerone laced with good guy kindness, the oyster will open up for you.

I noticed you were upvoted to the max. Probably all by guys.

Edit: And I say this respectfully and with the intention of helping you (plural - all guys).

And I also agree with the premise of this thread, re: Martha Stewart. She's ruined a lot of things, but I do love the fact that she spent time in the clink.

I was going to leave this alone because honestly it's not that important, but something about this post annoys me. Not sure what it is though, it's a pretty benign post.

She's not right, at all. Women's motivations and desires are irrelevant (to this discussion, not in general). We were discussing the most successful strategy for getting women to sleep with you, not how they feel about it. In terms of pure, dispassionate numbers, the jerk wins nearly every time (all else being equal). If you want to argue that this isn't the most fulfilling path for either party, perhaps you have a point. That wasn't what we were talking about though. Being a jerk works. It just does, I'm sorry. Even if it IS just women mistaking jerk for confidence, it still works and that's what matters for the discussion.

Also, I believe her when she says she offered her "advice" respectfully. Still was super annoying though becuase in doing so she framed things as her educating the poor clueless brutes, when in reality she was arguing a straw man.

/Rant. I need to go to bed and stop posting here after drinking. This was super off topic for this blog. So, uh.. Go Blue?

I'm sorry if I sounded like I know it all. I actually come here to MGoBlog to talk football, not male female dynamics. But when they do come up, and they did even before the video was posted (which is what prompted this whole thing), there's always guys who talk about women like we're all the same. Not all guys do this, but there are always some. And that's super annoying. I see your point, in the whole idea that women like bad boys, but there's more to it. It is nuanced.

It is nuanced, yes. The problem is this: Guys do not pick up on nuance very well. At all. We understand "yes" and "no." (Some don't understand "no" but we're talking about normal guys here, not rapists.) Women have the right to be annoyed that men don't "get them" and talk about women as if they're all the same. But if you're gonna do that, please allow men a little frustration with the attitude that guys don't get women, combined with the simultaneous expectation for us to pick up on all that nuance. Rather than letting it come down to which approach is best for talking to/meeting/sleeping with girls, guys really, really do appreciate it when women are clear about how they feel BEFORE it comes down to trying to decide whether to be a jerk or be nice.

Also, to stay more on topic, please stop appropriating guy things and putting doilies on them kthxbai. The reason this thread exists is because guys honestly can't fathom the workings of a brain that wants to do this. We don't say to each other, "you know what would be awesome? a baby shower, but with beer!"

I don't get the doily thing, either. And as far as saying men don't get us, I'm only responding to this thread, which is essentially...."why do women have to be like this?" I agree that men and women are really different. I'm a former advertising copywriter and I used to write McDonald's commercials. I once wrote a spot where a guy is at McDonald's and calls his girlfriend to see if she wants anything. She tells him, "You know what I like." And he freaks because all he thinks about is baseball statistics. He has no idea what she likes (or thinks, or feels). It was totally based on my huband and it was done tongue in cheek (and in the spot, he ends up ordering the entire Dollar Menu and offering each item up to her to see which one she grabs). So yeah, I get that men are simpler. I get frustrated with women, too.

I see both points. In HS and in early college the jerks won out. But, like you suggest, you learn to not really focus on being a jerk, but you learn to play the game like you've got "nothing to lose" so to speak. Not to say you don't "care" about the girl, but you just be confident, funny, and don't give her your undivided attention (aka don't sweat her), and things typically work out.

Suggestion: Do not state as fact that which is opinion, and degrading to women on the assertion that they are as a whole more likely to sleep with a "jerk." It is best to treat people as the individuals that they are, rather than predictable as a result of one defining characteristic such as gender.

The language reflected a poor attempt at humor/ expanding on a metaphor rather than a genuine Pick-Up Artist mentality. Your point is received though, and it is a legitimate one. My language was... regrettable. Come on though, people are predictable for a whole host of reasons. And I disagree that the observation that women are more likely to sleep with jerks is degrading to women because I didn't go on to speculate why I thought that was. Actually, I DO agree that it's because it's sometimes easy to mistake for confidence, and I think that people of all genders are generally pretty bad at making decisions that will make them most happy in life.

Good on you, but I would still show up drunk. There is a 90% chance i would show up drunk regardless though. Saturdays are for day drinking. I don't have a drinking problem, I have a shitty life solution.

or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

EDIT: she does kinda lose sight of where the "tailgate" in tailgate comes from, but I forgive her. Anyone who wants to enliven your football festivities rather than tell you you are exposing your eight-year-old daughter to violence (aherm) is headed in the right direction.

Someone needs to find a scan of the brochure Don Canham sent out all over the state in 1969 pitching Michigan season tickets, because if memory serves, it features pictures that are essentially that era's version of Martha Stewart Living. Canham wanted the women to buy in, and in order to do that, he needed to pitch the fancy tailgate and family fun angle so the husband could go to his football game.

Yes, you read that correctly. What you know and love as the Michigan football 100k every game, tailgating extravaganza was built on a pitch to women and a full slate of domestic activities (including a football game) on a Saturday afternoon.

My first tailgate in college (New England, Ivy) consisted of hors d'oeuvres, hamburgers, cloth napkins, sparkling wine, and thermoses of hot buttered rum. I highly recommend it if you can talk some rich alumni's household staff into catering the tailgate.

I'm afraid you guys might be overlooking the very best part of this article - the comments section. here's how The South views an 'authentic' tailgate:

"Start talking about the tailgate party the week before. Argue over beers on TU, WED and TH, especially during the ESPN TH game of the week.

Saturday arrives.

8 AM - first of the 50 people who will be at the party arrive. With Cigars.
810 am - first beer and /or mimosa or bourbon
900 AM - bourbon and cokes accompany the grilled breakfast items, including large slabs of extra thick bacon, lots of coffee, eggs, sausage and someone's leftover deer meat from hunting the week prior
1000AM- someone sets up not one but THREE TVs to watch gameday.
1000 - start the smoker for the 2 boston butts you will grill - each weighs 10 pounds.
Noon - wife and GFs arrive. clean up breakfast, start preparing for lunch
1230 - put slabs of ribs on the grill
100 PM- the uppity guy from the good southern fraternity puts pork loin on the grill. 7 pounder.
100-300- arguments ensue over ACC quality. GF argues that Duke's WR's could 'torch' WVA's dbacks. Since she went to Alabama she will of course know their names andhometowns.

DID I MENTION NO ONE EVER MAKES A DAMN QUESADILLA AT A SOUTHERN TAILGATE???

330 CBS game of the week- since it's a SOUTHERN TAILGATE - it will be an SEC game ..with the auxiliary TVs showing Big 12 game and maybe a reigonal SEC tilt.

330-7PM - lots of eating, sides including mac and cheese, home made southern beans, a fried side or three, shots of Crown Royal. Little kids get sent inside since the REAL SOUTHERN TAILGATE HAS STARTED.

500-700PM - beer run at halftime, more bourbon, someone you trust has arrived with tequila.

7PM /dark - You are in CT so we here in the south appreciate that it's dark there by 515 pm ... bring out the fire ring, put wood on.

730 PM game- the SEC game is usually at 730 or 8 AND there is a game on a 9 pm ... watch them ALL.

730 - Someone refires up the grill since a guy from Texas A and M has arrived with 5 packs of bratwursts.

9 PM- police arrive, you lower the sound, end the beer pong game.

10 PM- the front yard looks like a tornado hit it. Time to grill dessert- arguments ensue, you start planning the next week.

1130 PM - the last of the lightweights has left.

12 midnight- College Football Final is now on, ESPN. Pizzas arrive. Wives leave the inside of the house (the ones from the PAC 12 schools who married SEC grads), and come outside to sit by the fire and eat pizza with left over boston pork butt thrown on slices.

1230-130 - Someone finds an old DVD of (1)a classic rivalry game (2)a spring game (3)It's not the DVD, it's the damn replay of the game we saw at noon!

So you drink some more. ONE person suggests making a quesadilla, so he gets pants'd. Last of the 10 bratwursts are cut up and put on a paper plate, served caviar style to the remaining stalwarts.

130-200 - lights out. Bring TVs in, leave the rest as is til the morning, It can wait, your team has won.

All I know is that the quality, quantity and variety of food we serve at our tailgate improved 10 fold once my current wife started attending. My practice wife hated football and hated the tailgate and never went, much less make anything thereby resulting in boring food choices. The avatar, on the other hand, LOVES to cook and spends most of Friday making stuff for us to bring.

Suggestions: A wife is a person, and as such should not be described as "practice," nor as "the avatar," which is a representation of an object. Better terms would include: "former wife," and "the woman pictured in my avatar, who also happens to be my current wife," or simply, "my current wife."