Here’s how to write a sports column. First look at the news on the back pages,
then write the exact opposite, while making it clear that this is how the
sports news would read — if only the people in charge weren’t stupid,
corrupt, myopic, criminally wrong-headed, borderline insane, out of touch
with the real fans, uncomprehending of sport and its meaning and the
passions it arouses.

If only people were more like me, you write, the world of sport would be a
far, far better place. Put a joke in the first paragraph, recycle it in the
last, and off