Anyone who is anyone knows that it’s Werner Vogels’ birthday. The chief technical officer (CTO) of Amazon is the most famous CTO in the entire company and here at TNW we thought it would be appropriate to see if we could find him the perfect gift on eBay.

We ended up buying all the cool shit on eBay and keeping it for ourselves. So instead, here’s 10 shitty birthday gifts anyone can find on the little-known website that Vogel works for.

If you’re the CTO of Amazon this mug isn’t for you to keep, it’s for you to give to Jeff Bezos, then you can get back to work.

And since you helped turn a bookstore into the whole internet, here’s a bag of unicorn farts because that’s how much sense the world makes.

We all know that Amazon is about bargains and TNW is about the cutting-edge of fashion. Mr. Vogel, or any other fashionable member of the tech-elite will look 10 years younger in this lion face romper. We won’t need to say “rawr” because you’ll already know you’re a sassy cat.

A poop emoji fidget-spinner makes a thoughtful gift for anyone who spends the majority of their time mired in the genie-powered space-magic that makes AWS go.

We thought this Hommage shave brush was over-priced at $6,500, but then we read a review where an Amazon user said “Emma Watson’s finest hour! Also, Zachary Quinto gives the performance of his career! All goes well in this quirky little tale about friendship!”

It’s not lost on anyone here how difficult the upper-management life can be, sometimes people just don’t understand the pressure that executives are under. That’s why we’d like to get you these stacks of cash to throw up in the air – so you can more easily explain what your average work day at Amazon is like.

This is the worst thing on Amazon, for your birthday you should send this anonymously to whomever your worst enemy in business is, but luckily for humanity it’s actually not in stock right now, nor should it ever have been.

On the other side of the spectrum we have the best thing on Amazon and, quite frankly, what we believe will replace the fidget-spinner as a form of stress release in 2018.

And, for the CTO who has everything, Amazon has you covered as well. Who can’t use some radioactive uranium ore on their birthday?