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Carl XVI Gustaf

King of Sweden

by J.D.

A local man created a real headache at rush hour by blocking traffic with a shopping cart, and commuters are asking why authorities didn’t act faster to remove him.

The man, who was dressed in costume, had wrapped a shopping cart in cardboard and painted it to look like a sailing ship. While sitting in the cart, he used a toilet plunger to push his “ship” into the slow lane on the Interbelt at exit 41. Eyewitnesses say that the man was throwing water balloons at cars, drinking from a bottle of wine hand-labeled “aquavit,” and yelling about control of the seas.

Police say the man appears to be mentally ill, and believes he is King Carl XVI Gustav of Sweden. He has been taken to Lutheran Memorial for further evaluation.

The Gustafs of Sweden have long been maritime innovators ahead of their times. Carl II Gustaf, for example, was burned at the stake for suggesting that lashing wood together to form a sort of raft might provide a more efficient way to transport cargo on the sea than tying crates to the backs of cats and dropping them in the harbor.

With typical Gustavian vision, the growing number of Swedes who have taken to cannibalism as the eco-friendly, sustainable alternative to traditional agriculture has not gone unnoticed by Carl XVI. Since grocery stores are quickly becoming obsolete, leaving their fleets of shopping carts idle, Carl XVI is seizing the opportunity to draft these versatile vessels into the navy before the annual sea invasion of Denmark. True Swedes do not resent yielding the slow lane to Carl XVI for his maiden voyages. Those wishing to commit him to an asylum are probably part of a Danish fifth column and should be strapped to the backs of cats and sent home.