The recent sightings of Che Guevara's iconic image next to prominent members of the progressive community must have been a harbinger of things to come - for just hours ago in the blessed city of Denver, on the eve of the honorable and equitable Democratic Party convention, the ghost of Che appeared in the night to a secretly convened meeting of the Party leadership.

Thus spoke Che: "Friends, muchachos, comrades, fellow revolutionaries: Listen carefully to my words, for I have been granted leave from the netherworld only for a sufficient time to deliver a prophecy - a vision - that shall guide your social policy when you take the reins of power from the evil dictator George W. Bush, whom you may know better by his other names: Chimpy, McHalliburton, and Bushitler.

~"The great leap forward that you have made recently in preparing the People for the new order has made us all very proud. Just last week, the great Lenin himself told me how pleased he was that you have laid waste to the reactionary bourgeois culture, from literature to art to that bastion of all things evil, the Constitution, thereby helping the masses reject such false capitalist notions as intelligence, beauty, achievement, and profundity.

"Hearken, ye stalwarts of decay, to my first prophecy: His Diversitude, the impeccable changer of hopes and hoper of change, will have achieved, come the twentieth full moon of his beatific administration, the complete transformation of your land into a land of transformation. Promotion, demotion; preferences, deferences; set-asides and idle minds; standardization and centralization; eyes tied open and mouths sewn shut; retribution and redistribution; leveling out and leveling in - all this will have reached its magnificent climax.

"Yet there is still more to attain before all can join together in perfect harmony, marching arm in arm in the glorious People's army of His Diversitude. And now hearken to my second prophecy: By the time of the twenty-first full moon, a specially anointed Madam Speaker will lift the last veil of ignorance from the eyes of the People. She will instruct them how to overcome the final barrier to the absolute equality of all humans.

"Each disadvantaged person will thenceforth comprehend that he is disadvantaged because all of his advantages - status, wealth, family connections - have been given, erroneously, to one specific person somewhere on the planet. Let us call this other person the twin of oppression.

"The very birth of this twin is a travesty of justice. And that travesty can be undone only when each disadvantaged person rediscovers his twin, his anti-self, and then seizes that other person's identity."

The ghost of Che paused to catch his breath, stroking his beard and surveying the assembly of starry-eyed apparatchiks.

"My instructions to you: When Madam Speaker arrives and reveals the truth, you shall establish a network of court-like Commissions whose job it will be to enforce the judgments of the disadvantaged, to assist them in reappropriating their own identities from their twins of oppression.

"What a moment in history it shall be: janitors shall become CEOs, and CEOs janitors; orderlies shall become surgeons and surgeons orderlies; stadium hot-dog vendors shall become star quarterbacks and quarterbacks vendors."

The figure of Che vanished in a blinding flash of light. The Democratic Party leaders fell on their faces, as if they were supplicants before the wondrous apparition. When they arose, awestruck and trembling, they looked to one side and then the other. All seemed normal, except for one oddity: In front of each leader, on the table, was a book.

On the inside front cover was inscribed a message from Che: "Read this book for the remaining details on the coming transformation."

Workshop of the Second Self was written by comrade Gary Wolf, who contributes to the People's Cube under the pseudonym of AWOL Civilization. He wrote it after being visited by the ghost of Che, so rest assured that it is the authentic word of the Prophet.

You too, O vanguard of the People, can prepare yourselves for the future by ordering the book at Amazon.com.

Each disadvantaged person will thenceforth comprehend that he is disadvantaged because all of his advantages - status, wealth, family connections - have been given, erroneously, to one specific person somewhere on the planet. Let us call this other person the twin of oppression.

I have been mulling over this concept for a day and came to a logical and historically inevitable conclusion - my second self (the twin of oppression) is George Soros. I must sue him for all the money he has stolen that rightly belongs to me.

With regards to personal life enjoyment, however, my other twin of oppression is Bill "Slick Willie" Clinton. The court must mandate that at least half of the women he experienced orgasms with (or their 2008 equivalents adjusted for inflation) must be subpoenaed to have sex with me - or there will be no justice and the universe will collapse due to the lack of order and harmony.

This is an excellent legal benchmark for solving all our red sexual inequities comrade! I also want to partake in Comrade Clinton's sloppy seconds! Let us proclaim Chain Smoking Comrade Big Ear's Election Day as a brand new national holiday called, "Screw the Public Day"! Next May 1st will truly be a proletariat celebration! I look forward to a time when our children will be working like slaves for the total redistribution of their wealth, so the lazy, self important, arrogant, selfish baby boomers can retire in complete comfort and solitude after squandering all their own earnings during their lifetimes of hedonism. Power to the People my fellow traveler!

The uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. They come to be accepted by degrees, by precedent, by implication, by erosion, by default, by dint of constant pressure on one side and constant retreat on the other - until the day when they are suddenly declared to be the country's official ideology. ~ Ayn Rand

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