As many will tell you, the recovery process always seems counter intuitive on some level because it challenges everything you believe about yourself and the behaviors you have adopted to survive. Working with your recovery manger to learn how you came to criticize, shame and guilt yourself for your feelings - which are the underpinning of your addictions – is an imperative part of the process.It is important to realize that a certain degree of emotional maturity is required to confront your feelings directly, without self-ridicule or self-judgment. Freeing yourself from any sort of addiction involves growing emotionally and learning to redefine your relationship to yourself. Emotional growth is the inevitable outcome when you begin dealing with your past and learn that it no longer has power over you. The recovery process is really more about learning to manage your relationship to your feelings; it is not about learning to control them. Addictions are only truly extinguished when there's no longer a need to run from your self and your feelings.

So what happens when you reach the stage in your recovery when you have learned to manage yourself and you are finally free from the grip of your addictions? This can be both a liberating and a daunting phase of recovery. The question becomes what do you want to accomplish and how will you get there? Here are some important steps you can take to ensure you accomplish your goals no matter what they are.

Envision your future · Ask yourself what is the life you have always wanted. What would that look like? What would you be doing? Who would be there with you? Indulge yourself - don’t be afraid to dream big.

Write it down · Write a letter to the future you. Describe what you are doing, how it feels to be there and what you have accomplished.

Use reminders · Surround yourself with little reminders of your vision. If you want a new car, for instance, place a miniature version of the car you want in a place you will always see it to remind you of your goal.

Make a plan · Revisit your plan and break it down into manageable parts and begin to address each part individually by crafting a practical plan to attain each.

Move Forward · Move forward with an open mind. Things don’t always turn out the way we envision, but by locking ourselves into one of way of looking at things, we block the possibility of something better. Be open to possibilities.

Don’t get bogged down in the little things · No matter what you feel in the moment - lonely, self-critical, tired, lazy, or disappointed - do something to maintain momentum, even if it’s one little thing.

There’s an old adage that says that true courage isn’t about not feeling fear; it’s about feeling fear and acting anyway.

As a teacher I am all too aware of the epidemic of cell phone addiction, aka nomophobia - you see it everywhere you go. Recently I was sitting in my favorite pastry shop working when I took notice of the couple who sat down next to me. Their introductions lead me to believe they were on a first date. I wouldn’t have paid much attention to them, frankly, if I wasn’t struck by their odd behavior. Not five minutes into their date they sat in silence looking down at their cell phones. It seems this has become the norm, especially among younger age groups. The irony is that the very technology that has been designed to bring us together seems to be separating us even further. The issue isn’t so much the idea of staying connected with those in your life, but rather the way it alters the connections themselves. The way people view and interact with those in their lives has become disconnected. Interestingly, when filtered through technology, many adopt a completely different set of social mores and/or a different persona. For many the removed aspect technology affords gives them a chance to feel heard. Complications can easily arise, however, when they are called upon to interact with people directly. Engaging in predominately online relationships has left many of today’s youth socially illiterate and unable to navigate the many complex demands of actual relationships. The question arises, is this constant connectedness via technology an addiction that impedes genuine connections? Behavioral dependence occurs when the body has to adjust to behaviors or actions by incorporating the behaviors or actions into its 'normal' functioning. As with physical addictions, behavioral addictions are characterized as having stages of reward, tolerance and withdrawal. As tolerance grows, the addicted person needs to seek more and more stimulation to sustain a desired level of pleasurable payoff. This can also be accompanied by withdrawal, which is categorized as a deep feeling of loss and a craving for the desired gratification. It is alarming that these disorders are now being considered at the medical and scientific level. Nevertheless, it is an important topic for discussion since technology has become a necessary part of our lives. The biggest issue for many is the overlap of its use. Technology is used in education, socializing and entertainment, making it difficult to focus on one when you have such easy and immediate access to the other. It’s clear we need to establish guidelines for our relationships and ourselves where technology is concerned. Unfortunately there is no critical way to easily distinguish someone who has an addiction to a technology from someone who doesn’t. So how can you learn to cope with potentially damaging impulsive behavior? The answer is learning to strike a balance. Taking care to cultivate and nurture your relationship in each other’s physical presence allows you to establish a firm foundation from which to draw upon. When communication via technology is desired or necessitated, you are more likely to be received and understood. In the end, it is important to realize that technology is merely a tool that extends a relationship; it is not meant to supplant it.Above article contributed by Kirk Widra M.Ed. for more visit www.kirkwidra.com

Surely many of you, during this time of year, contemplate where you are and where you are going in your life. If you are struggling with addiction, it is only natural that you would contemplate making some resolutions. While the overall goal to maintain a sober lifestyle is of obvious importance, setting additional goals and resolutions for one’s self is also important. However, like other aspects of your recovery, it is vital you take care to approach it in ways that are realistic and manageable. Sadly, most individuals never see these goals and resolutions come to fruition. They may start off committed, filled with feelings of empowerment, but somewhere along the line they loose their way. Filled with uncertainty and anxiety, they are confronted with the very real danger of relapse - finding themselves right back where they started. Typically, resolutions made in response to negative behaviors or actions from our past, are those we hope not to repeat. But when we get caught in the push and pull of lamenting the past and or concentrating too much on the future, we often miss the importance of simply living each day fully. We get attached to the expectation that our lives will be better if only we can fulfill our resolutions. As anyone in recovery would surely attest, unmet expectations can lead to many issues - particularly low self-esteem or depression, making you vulnerable to the very behaviors you want most to leave behind. Although the impulse to move ahead is good, without hard work and a good support network the chances of failing are increased. It is important to realize you will never be perfect, and that by reaching out to others for support, you can stay focused and realistic. Here are a few guidelines when setting goals: 1. Set just a few goals 2. D.E.S.I.G.N your goals. Design is an acronym for a system that will allow you to continually evaluate your progress and adjust as needed to ensure your goal is attained.Define the goal specifically / clearlyExplore the possibilitiesSelect a course of action or approachIllustrate your goal either by writing it down or some other creative way (e.g. an electronic presentation you can carry around with you as inspiration)Generate or go after your goalNote what is working and what is not and adjust or redefine as neededShare your goals only with those in your life who you know will truly support you (and challenge you) Our goal here at Continuum Recovery Management Specialists is to help guide you in setting realistic goals and achieving them. Whatever your resolution for this year is, in the end the best New Year’s resolution is to simply find the resolve to commit to living each precious day purposefully, respectfully asking for help when you need it, and graciously offering assistance when you can.

The holidays can be a stressful time for us all. Addicts in recovery, as one can imagine, are dealing with a wide range of deep emotional issues and are extremely vulnerable during the holiday season. Although an addicted loved one may have abused your trust, it is important to remember that addiction is first and foremost a disease a symptom of which is profound unhappiness. Obviously no one wants to become an addict, and those in recovery have reached a point of desperation in their lives and need your love and support now more than ever. During the holidays most addicts are confronted directly by shame and loneliness, perhaps for the very first time, as they are made keenly aware that their addictive behavior has created an emotional divide between themselves and the people they most care about. Along with the holiday season comes an increased danger of deep depression and relapse. Whether you yourself are struggling with addiction or know someone who is, the holidays offer a unique opportunity to reach out to a loved one that is struggling with substance abuse. Family gatherings can be emotionally stressful and can easily trigger a relapse and the pursuit of unhealthy coping mechanisms. During this volatile time of year loved ones can provide essential support for those in recovery. A little planning ahead can go a long way to help avoid emotional pitfalls, cravings, difficult situations, and dire consequences. Here are some tips for the holidays for those who are recovering, and for those who love someone in recovery: Change the menuReplace alcohol consumption with other activities like talking, music, games, or sports. Perhaps adopt a new tradition of foods or non-alcoholic drinks with the holidays. Provide a non-alcoholic environmentLet people in your life know what is going on and how they can best support your recovery. If anyone objects perhaps then is a good time to consider the nature of your connection. Have a plan to deal with the unexpectedAlways have a way to contact your support team. Cravings and emotions can often be very overwhelming, particularly for those in the early stages of recovery. It is often hard for the addict to be objective and respond appropriately to any given situation, reach out to those who are best qualified to help you. Use the buddy systemIf you are in recovery, consider taking a friend who has achieved long-term sobriety with you to your various holiday gatherings. This person is uniquely qualified to help you, though recovery is an individual pursuit it is also about community. Stay restedIf you are feeling stressed or overwhelmed, take a step back and some time out for yourself. Fighting fatigue can deplete your willpower and ability to cope with stressful situations. Remember you need to take care of yourself and safeguard your sobriety. When its all said and done yule be happy you did. Happy Holidays!

If you are of a traditional mindset you most likely feel the joy and pain that you receive is in direct proportion to what you deserve. You may even be conflicted by the feeling that the price of what you have fought so hard for is the same as what you have lost. As such you never feel deserving of the good that comes your way, you feel no sense of accomplishment or joy. In the end you feel as though life is somehow conspiring against you to prevent you from achieving your goals. According to Jack Canfield American motivational speaker and author of Chicken Soup for the Soul,“A lot of people feel like they’re victims in life, and they’ll often point to past events, perhaps growing up with an abusive parent or in a dysfunctional family. Most psychologists believe that about 85 percent of families are dysfunctional, so all of a sudden you’re not so unique. My parents were alcoholics. My dad abused me. My mother divorced him when I was six…I mean, that’s almost everybody’s story in some form or not. The real question is, what are you going to do now? What do you choose now? Because you can either keep focusing on that, or you can focus on what you want. And when people start focusing on what they want, what they don’t want falls away, and what they want expands, and the other part disappears.” In a world consumed by consuming and a culture that uses the amassing of goods and services as the gauge of self worth we have become trapped in the poverty of expectation. We are forever wanting. Wanting to fit in, wanting to be thought of in a positive light by others, wanting to feel we are somehow superior and by extension safe or spared from life’s little inconveniences. This is a dangerous mindset for anyone let alone those in recovery. As Canfield asserts, if we continue to place the blame on others, not take responsibility for our own prosperity and gauge success solely by our ability to amass things we are doomed to remain trapped in the role of the victim. Success and prosperity are not about outward signs of success but the inward sense of purpose and the choice to be happy. If we have the courage and strength to move ahead and focus on what really matters everything else falls away, and a true sense of accomplishment and joy can emerge regardless of the circumstances. This is the root of the recovery process, the right to choose to be happy; to realize you are not a victim of circumstances, and to define your own set of expectations. The things that have happened to you in the past or the things that others say you should do not define you. You are responsible for your own life; you define what is important to you. All you need do is believe that and work hard to focus your efforts to get what you most want out of your life.

Much has been written about those struggling with addiction but what about their loved ones and those closest to them? As addictions worsen, your ability to set healthy boundaries becomes more and more difficult. Gradually you may just simply give up in disgust or be worn down with feelings of helplessness, in the face of the addiction.

Unfortunately, many of us fail to recognize the signs of addiction until it is too late. As addictive behaviors begin to take over our loved ones, we may attempt to “lay down the law”, or make idle threats. Sadly that may help you feel better in the moment but offers little in the way of a long-term solution to a situation growing out of control.

Each time you allow your boundary to be crossed you are creating a powerful dynamic in your relationship that only serves to perpetuate the addict’s destructive behaviors. This leads to a cycle of threats and promises and allows the addiction to get the upper hand, as it becomes the frame for your relationship. Addicts quickly learn that boundaries don’t really exist, and, as a result your self-esteem and self worth erode right along with them.

Boundaries are an important part of life, whether you are an addict or not, they are a personal set of guidelines as to what you are willing to tolerate or accept in your life from others. Until you find the courage needed to stand by your words, you will allow others to continue to take advantage of you and loose yourself in the process.

The following are four important steps you can follow when setting healthy boundaries:

1. Respect yourself and your own boundaries

If you find people are not respecting your boundaries, it is because you are allowing it. Despite the fact you may have stated your boundaries and the consequences for crossing them if you fail to follow through you are teaching those in your life to disrespect your boundaries, because you clearly don’t respect yourself.

2. Say what you mean and mean what you say

How many times have you followed through on your threats? Do you make these threats in the hope of scaring those in your life straight? Addicts are generally very adept at adopting behaviors that get results and more often then not they know exactly how to behave and act to placate you in the moment, knowing you will never follow through. The bottom line here is say what you mean and mean what you say, follow through with your actions each and every time. You are sending a valuable lesson here actions have consequences. Do not loose yourself for the sake of someone else that is to high a price to pay, you are worth more despite how you feel right now.

3. Work on building up your own self-esteem

This is hard for everyone but it is important to realize self esteem starts and ends with you. Much like the recovering addict you must replace negative behaviors with positive ones, ones that nurture your body, mind and spirit. When you are confronted by future challenges you won’t be so willing to give up all you have fought for as you and you alone have achieved this feeling of self worth.

4. Seek out help. Fortunately you are not alone there are all manner of resources from which seek help (like this online community for one). Talk to a recovery care specialist as they are the most qualified to help you establish your boundaries with those who are struggling with addictions in your life.

In the end addictions truly affect everyone; it is possibly one of the most devastating of conditions as it tends to echo for many generations. All of us in the wake of addiction must find it within ourselves to make ourselves strong for those who cannot or will not if we are to have any hope of putting a stop to the ongoing cycle of addiction. Hold the line.

As fall fast approaches many of us enjoy thoughts of a return to cooler weather, the scent of autumn leaves, and of course football season. For those in recovery, however, the change of season signals the oncoming holidays and the fears and anxiety that often accompany them. I was reminded of this while watching television the other night with a friend’s daughter. She seemed strangely invested in a repeat of the Christmas episode of the “house wives of somewhere or another” show. This episode followed the exploits of two women as they proceeded to get drunk, exchange some choice “bleeps” followed by rolling around the floor of a restaurant fists flying in a tangle of lipstick, chewing gum and hair spray. My friend’s daughter was laughing out loud as I sat back and cringed. Is this what we have come to? Glorifying binge drinking and inappropriate behaviors? To top it off one of the women interviewed in this episode had the audacity to say that she acted as she did because she wanted her daughter to see her mother as a strong confident woman. Really!? Are these the actions of a “strong confident woman?” I beg to differ. The only reality here is that we glorify irresponsible behaviors. How are we being responsible to our children when we let these types of exploits be glorified on television? Do your children really know the difference between fiction and reality? By being complacent and not addressing these kinds of displays we run the risk of allowing television’s reality to become the tacit arbiter for “responsible” behavior. For those in recovery, already feeling separated from everyday life, seeing behaviors like this readily accepted, even thought of as amusing entertainment, is truly sending the wrong message. For those who are truly interested in supporting someone in recovery, they must learn to also reconsider what they choose to surround themselves with, particularly their choices in media. In many ways recovery is about rediscovering who you really are. Part of the process is assuming the mundane routines and relationships of everyday life as well as trying new things. In doing so, however, everyone concerned in the recovery process should be mindful to plan ways to spend quality time with friends and loved ones that is free from the painful reminders of former addictive behaviors. You may be thinking that it is only a television show but for a recovering addict it may be harder to separate the so-called “reality” on display from actual reality. For an addict keeping their addiction alive is time consuming. Every moment of the day is spent thinking about drugs (wishing you had them, or how and when to go get them). One of the biggest challenges in recovery is how to fill up the time that was previously spent dedicated to perpetuating the cycle of addiction with positive constructive behaviors and habits. Understandably many rely on media to fill their time and distract them from obsessing about their addictive impulses. To be clear there is still worthwhile programming to be found on television. But this isn’t about television so much as figuring out ways to organize your time in such a way that maximizes your recovery efforts and keeps you on the right track. While feeling bored is quite normal, especially in early recovery, it is important to know what to do in order to deal with these feelings and refocus your energy on something positive in order to avoid relapse. The question becomes, now that you are clean and sober, what would you like to accomplish? Perhaps you would like to take a class at a community college, or go back to school to earn a degree. Maybe you want to dedicate yourself to being a better parent and spend more time with your children. Or maybe you want to focus on your physical health by eating healthy, exercising, and getting adequate sleep. Perhaps you want to start volunteering your time to help others with their recovery. This not only gives you an opportunity to see how far you’ve come, but gives you the satisfaction of helping others. Whatever your goal, focusing on the things you want to accomplish will not only keep you motivated, but fight boredom as well. By creating your own reality and being a real role model for others fighting addiction, you can face any challenge and live a happy productive life.

Recovery is more than staying sober it is about learning to re-imagine yourself, learning to think of yourself in new terms. As noted by James Allen famed author of As a Man Thinketh, “Right thinking begins with the words we say to ourselves.” When we start out on the road to recovery we often have ideals we think we're supposed to live up to. We feel we're supposed to be better than we are in some way. The reality is you must take yourself completely as you are, and begin to challenge yourself and supplant the old negative thoughts with new positive ones. As we all know, that is easy to say but often so very hard to do. So where do we begin? How do we start to actively change our thoughts from self-loathing and destructive to self-loving and supportive? First, really listen to yourself; really listen to the words you say to yourself. Are these your words you are hearing or a rhetorical reconstruction of others who have influence over you and how you feel about yourself and your life? It is important to understand that much of your negative inner dialogue is a reflection of your fears both real and imagined, not how you truly feel about yourself. Unfortunately many of us grew up in environments where outside forces and difficult circumstances led us to adopt a version of ourselves based on how others wanted or needed us to be. In time their words became the foundation for our inner dialogue with ourselves. Realize that everyone has a negative dialogue with themselves at one point or another, it is part of the human condition, but as with all things in life you have a choice, to either listen or not. The question is what do you really believe about yourself, what is at the core of you? Do you believe you are deserving of the things you want out of life? Do you believe you are truly capable of having the life you want? Negative thoughts will always enter your mind. Don’t attach yourself to them or fixate on them, simply acknowledge them and replace them with positive ones. Persistence will eventually teach your mind to think positively, and to ignore negative thoughts. It doesn't matter what your circumstances are at the present moment. Think positively, expect only favorable results, situations, and circumstances will change accordingly. If you persevere, you will transform the way your mind thinks. It might take some time for the changes to take place, but eventually they will and you will begin to draw more positive things into your life. If you are reading this you have already begun to change, you have already begun attracting positive change into your life. “Work joyfully and peacefully, knowing that right thoughts and right efforts inevitably bring about right results. You are today where your thoughts have brought you; you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you.” – James Allen

I sat across from my father at lunch the other day -our usual monthly ritual- and took a long hard look at him. His beautiful silver hair shimmering and still perfectly quaffed as it has always been, his hard earned wrinkles about his face, and of course his signature mustache. I run my hand over the stubble of my bald head and my smooth face and wonder what that feels like. As we sat and ate our lunch struggling to find our safe topic, the smell of the food and his musky cologne began to have its usual unnerving affect on me. It has always been a struggle for me to spend time with my father. Growing up and being surrounded by alcoholism and denial, a lethal combination if there ever was one, I remember being forced to sit through so many similar forced situations in my youth. I would come home at night and my father would be there perched on the couch, as always, half drunk. He would ask me about my night. I would always say nothing and try to make it to bed as fast as I could before he launched into some nugget of wisdom he seemed compelled to relay to me about life. I would feel the anger in me well up and think to myself how could you know anything about life? You never leave the couch; you sit there in fear with your wine slowly becoming indistinguishable from your precious antique collection. Here we are thirty plus years later and I still feel this way on some level, trapped with my father in limbo. Though he, to the best of my knowledge doesn’t drink anymore, from my perspective he has yet to move beyond the metaphoric couch. He seems content trapped in the past like one of his antiques he continues to surround himself with. When I started writing this article I though it was going to be about my relationship with my father and the affects his alcoholism has had on us. As I continued to write I began to realized that I am writing this to all fathers who are dealing with their addictions as a way to give a voice to their sons. Are you really there for your son? Are you the role model that you should be for your son? When are you going to show him what being a man is really all about? It is never to late to be a role model, to show him that being a man is not about being fearless or superhuman, it is about taking action and committing to being the best you can be despite your fears and addictions. As I handed my father the pepper I asked him to tell me about his father. I never had a chance to really get to know my grandfather. He was simply the stoic old man who sat silently in the kitchen smoking his cigar and drinking his beer. As a child I always felt uneasy around him and wondered if my father felt the same. I soon found out that his father grappled with many of the same demons my father has. It seems that I come from a long line of those afflicted by addictive behaviors. As I munched on my veggie burger, we continued on, stopping only momentarily to address a minor point of clarification. As we made our way back to the train station after lunch, I continued to listen to my father intently and said nothing. We got to the train station and I thanked him for sharing stories about his father, we hugged goodbye and I made my way toward the platform. As the train pulled up and I waived goodbye to my father I realized over the years I have let my fathers’ issues define me, make excuses for me and I need to leave them behind. In the end you never really control anything in this life, you simply learn to manage it. But first and foremost you need to manage your relationship to yourself. Now I understand that I have a responsibility to not let my father’s issues become my own. In fact I have found his issues have begun to fuel my desire to be the man I know I can be, not to follow in his footsteps and to stop the cycle of addiction in my family line. All I needed to do is listen to my father…*(the above article was contributed by a member of our online community who requested we not disclose their identity)

In general change is often difficult and challenging for all of us, even more so for those grappling with the complex issues of recovery. So many layers of experience have made you who you are today, that it may seem overwhelming to try to separate the facts from fictions to see what were the choices you made versus what your addictions made for you. To add to this, early on you likely will experience a lot of residual unresolved feelings and be tempted to engage in old behaviors as you begin to free yourself from your addictions and begin to transform your life. As both a professional recovery manager and manager working with addicts for over 20 years now, I frequently see how those early in their recovery have the tendency to glorify their behaviors. Many new to the transformative process will smile with pride at recounting their sorted exploits as the elegantly wasted. One client I have recently begun treating for sexual addiction still identifies herself fondly with the behaviors of her former exploitive sexual self. When presented with the logic of what it is she was doing, being manipulative with her sexuality and acting irresponsibly, she immediately grasped the idea on a rational level. However at the same time she confessed despite that and her progress in treatment she was still baffled, and a little ashamed; to acknowledge that her feelings and some of her current behaviors still followed a pattern she knew to be unhealthy. In another example, a client who was battling an addiction to cocaine had been made aware of the hurt he had caused his children, and how detrimental his behavior had become to their long-term mental health, pleaded with me to fix him. He clenched his teeth in anguish as he said, “ I can not bear the idea of hurting my children”. Though he acknowledged the gravity of his actions it wasn’t enough to prevent him from longing for the next fix, and occasionally (or so he said) didn’t prevent him from a “little taste” now and then. Clearly knowing is not enough. Try as they might, those battling addiction must accept that there’s no short cut in the process, you have to work through the feelings that fueled the behaviors. Part of the process involves being honest, perhaps for first time in your life, with those feelings surrounding your desire to “act badly” or contrary to what you know you should be doing. When you do this, you begin to weaken the power those feelings have over you and your impulse towards behaviors that are destructive. As a recovery management professional I know that many of those thoughts and feelings are a source of shame for my clients. That’s why it’s so important that you have a healthy support system around you and your recovery. Our goal here is to make you feel safe in sharing those feelings and thoughts that would normally cause you to feel shame. It’s immensely useful to be able to share the dark side of oneself with others who don’t respond with judgment or ridicule. Only by risking exposing whom you truly are, first and foremost to yourself and then to others, can you hope to reclaim your life.

AuthorThis blog is maintained by Esther
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