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Friday, October 14, 2011

I suddenly had this epiphany..

The tighter grip only causes you to slip further from me. The more I try to prove myself to you- the more I have to prove. The only way this thing will work itself out is if I let go- I mean really let go of it completely. I just don’t know how to do that- and I’m scared of it. I know that really letting you go, really giving into everything you want, means that you might just not want me back.
I’ve been working hard to work on me. I’m making a commitment to eating right, working out, etc.. But I’m letting go of the crap that clouds what really is going on. For the past 6 months (I have mentioned this before) I have been smoking cigarettes, I’ve been over eating, I’ve been stressed out and dealing with things in this way. But I haven’t smoked since last Saturday- almost a week- and I’m fine.. It’s not like I was a heavy smoker, but my friend smokes and I would hang out with her and smoke 2-3.. I bought a few packs durning the 6 months as well.. and would justify it by saying that I’m stressed and that it’s only a few. But thats straight up bullshit. Seriously. Yes I enjoy smoking once and a while but it’s so fucking stupid.. I don’t want to be a smoker.. even one that is a social smoker. So I’m done.. There is no need for it- and if I can’t work through my stress in a more healthy way (like sweating it out like a mofo at the gym) then I need to become a stronger person. The end.. as Jason would say "NO OPTION”
On Wednesday I went to a holistic counselor for the first time. Since it was the first visit it was more like a brief overview of why I was there- and that I wanted to come out of it. She picked up on the fact that I depend on James, maybe too much, quickly.. And I realize that even though he is the reason that I finally choose to see and talk to someone- it has nothing to do with him. It has nothing to do with us. It has everything to do with me and the things that I do to myself. Sure I don’t starve myself anymore, maybe I don’t step on the scale every single day, but I think about my body and I feel uncomfortable in it every single day. Even though I have just met her the one time I feel like I can open up to her which is really nice. I really feel like this is going to be a very positive thing in my life and I look forward to working through all of the crap that I’ve got going on. I told her that one of the main reasons I was going was that I wanted to work on my eating disorder. I’m sick of dealing with it. Let me just say that I know it’s going to be something that I live with forever… it’s my addiction- but I want to be able to deal with it in a healthy way and try to move past it. 15 years is too long.. Surprisingly she said that we probably won’t talk about it much because she feels that it is a bi-product of the stuff that I’ve been through in my life. She said that I have been through much more than most at my age- and I’ve heard that before.. But when I look back on my childhood- yes there were some things that really sucked, things that I know weren’t the best, but I know that my parents always loved me.. I alway had the things that I needed and the things I wanted. They did the best that they could possibly do. I don’t want to blame them for how I turned out.. at all.. And she wasn’t saying that was where she was going.. in fact she just said that these things are needing to be addressed and worked through so that we can move on.
The main thing she said about “treatment” is that I need to be more grounded.. I’m in my head too much- lol.. that’s the truth! I’m really looking forward to working with her- and will definitely keep you updated.