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Topic: How to politely tell someone you don't like their friend? (Read 6577 times)

Defriend Steve. If anyone even notices at all, then just say "He is really DH's friends and I don't want to be exposed to his comments as they make me feel uncomfortable."

For your party, as you are going over the invite list, if DH brings up Steve then say "DH, Steve is really your friend, not mine. He more of a guy's guy and I feel uncomfortable around him and I certainly don't want that at a party for me."

Let your husband know that, due to Steve's racist, sexist comments, you do not want him in your home.

This. I also don't agree with the advice from PPs that seem to suggest you should kind of dance around this and hint that maybe, possibly, if it's not too much trouble, maybe don't invite him. Just firmly say that you don't want Steve at your birthday or NYE because he makes racist and sexist comments that you find personally offensive. If your husband thinks that this makes your snobby or uppity, I think you have bigger problems than Steve.

With your birthday party, you have a say on who attends. I would just tell my dh that while you understand he is friends with Steve, you have no desire to be outside of their relationship and you do not want hm invited to your birthday party. My dh would totally understand this if this were us and vice versa.

As far as New Years Eve, let your dh invite who he chooses to invite. You will have plenty of other people there that you can talk to, etc. and if anyone would make a racist comment in my home, there would be a comment made. I think I would jsut look at them with this look, and say, "Wow. say Wow again, shake my head and walk away".

Be honest with your DH. I don't mean berating Steve by saying "You know, Steve is a bleeping bleep and a bleepity bleeping bleep". Just "DH, I find Steve's comments about women's hormones and use of the C word disturbing and he makes me very uncomfortable. I don't want him to be invited to my birthday gathering."

As far as New Year's, since there will be other people with whom you are friendly you can avoid Steve after making general polite greetings. If he seeks you out trying to upset you, go to your DH and tell him so.

Will your DH really think you're being uppity & snobbish for not wanting to spend time with a misogynistic racist?? Because that seems like a bit larger of a problem. (Though, not really an etiquette one.)

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“Poetry is a sword of lightning, ever unsheathed, which consumes the scabbard that would contain it.” PBS

Let your husband know that, due to Steve's racist, sexist comments, you do not want him in your home.

This. I also don't agree with the advice from PPs that seem to suggest you should kind of dance around this and hint that maybe, possibly, if it's not too much trouble, maybe don't invite him. Just firmly say that you don't want Steve at your birthday or NYE because he makes racist and sexist comments that you find personally offensive. If your husband thinks that this makes your snobby or uppity, I think you have bigger problems than Steve.

Poditty pod pod pod. Absolutely.

You don't have to suffer this boor, and you shouldn't have to "dance around," as others have said, the issue of whether to invite him to your home. Tell DH that he is not coming to your party, because his behavior is offensive.

Let your husband know that, due to Steve's racist, sexist comments, you do not want him in your home.

This. I also don't agree with the advice from PPs that seem to suggest you should kind of dance around this and hint that maybe, possibly, if it's not too much trouble, maybe don't invite him. Just firmly say that you don't want Steve at your birthday or NYE because he makes racist and sexist comments that you find personally offensive. If your husband thinks that this makes your snobby or uppity, I think you have bigger problems than Steve.

Poditty pod pod pod. Absolutely.

You don't have to suffer this boor, and you shouldn't have to "dance around," as others have said, the issue of whether to invite him to your home. Tell DH that he is not coming to your party, because his behavior is offensive.

I'm hoping my post is not interpreted as "dancing around". It is simply that I realise that people are more inclined to be invested in a conclusion that they have reached themselves. So, if possible, I prefer to explain why I reached a conclusion and let the person see things in that light. It may not be as quick with the immediate issue, but it works over the long term much better.

Thank you all for the replies. I'll definitely have to say something before any gathering hosted by us and especially my birthday. I'm just going to say I don't have anything in common with Steve and his partner and find it hard making conversation with them.

Will your DH really think you're being uppity & snobbish for not wanting to spend time with a misogynistic racist?? Because that seems like a bit larger of a problem. (Though, not really an etiquette one.)

He wasn't there when the racist comment was made and it's a hard one to explain out of the conversation. It wasn't directly insulting but I still consider it offensive. As for the sexism, that's also hard to explain to DH who sees the obvious tired old jokes as 'just a joke' and the subtle things just go straight over his head. He genuinely doesn't make the leap from comments such as the ones Steve makes to Steve being misogynistic. If Steve actually said out-and-out offensive things then it would be different but DH does not get subtlety at all.

It may not matter anyway because once I thought on it, I realised that Steve is probably going to turn into the sort of friend that DH only sees when the event calls for an excuse to hit the bars and get terribly drunk. DH knows that I really hate that sort of night out. In fact I'm sure he knows that I don't really like Steve without me saying so.

And I'm going to either defriend him or block his feed on Facebook. He added me to a group and I left the group because it doesn't interest me and I have nothing to add to it - I don't like being even a passive member of groups unless they interest me. He re-added me to the group, so I left again and within an hour he'd re-added me so I left again and blocked people from being able to re-add me. I may have been rude to leave without explanation three times but for goodness sake take a hint!

As far as New Years Eve, let your dh invite who he chooses to invite. You will have plenty of other people there that you can talk to, etc. and if anyone would make a racist comment in my home, there would be a comment made. I think I would jsut look at them with this look, and say, "Wow. say Wow again, shake my head and walk away".

I disagree with this advice. If Steve is as much of a boor as he seems to be, his behavior will reflect on both the OP and her DH at the party. Is OP really going to walk around saying "Sorry for Steve's behavior -- he's DH's guest, not mine"? That seems more than a little ridiculous. In a situation like this both spouses get veto power over the guest list. OP doesn't want Steve there, Steve doesn't get invited.

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Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain

I'm not married, but I'm going to use an example from my parents marriage.

Dad had a friend Mom could. not. stand. I posted about him before. He named his dog after me - while I was still in the NICU and my Dad was being told both Mom and I could die. He also made racist and sexist remarks.

Dad stayed friends with him - but he wasn't allowed near Mom, sis, or me. He never came to our house. At some point he was diagnosed as mentally ill. Once he started treatment, and stayed on it - he became a nice person. He apologized for things he had done. He became part of the larger group. He was even invited to Sis's wedding. (Dad passed away before Sis got married. )