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9.28.2012

the adventure of finding out what you really feel...

how are y'all liking all these "adventure" titles? are they satisfactory enough to count as connection to the topic this month or are you over it? i might be over it, but it's hard to stop myself.

i have had a sense that i'm not at my best for a few days (weeks? probably only days. i tend to cast wide nets when i feel crappy) now. i mean, there's been situational stuff up the wazoo, but i've noticed in the last couple of days that i've gone from reacting to situations (in which the reactions feel shitty) to just feeling shitty (for no apparent reason) most of the time and having to work (hard) to get away from that feeling (<--which is probably not the right thing to do, but i have also been "sitting in" a fair amount of the shitty too. i'm an equal opportunity coper).

yesterday i had a great evening. spiderman had his first GREAT! day of kindergarten (that's right... first... after 6 freaking weeks...) and when i heard about it i got to soak in a big wave of relief that soothed my aching body and mind. and it even lasted! i had enough energy to prepare for a retreat i'm facilitating tomorrow, do some work for my paid job, connect with some people i adore, and even fold laundry! i went to bed feeling at peace--that's really all i'm ever missing when i'm missing something; peace.

today the "shit" of late came back a few hours into the morning and made itself comfortable. like i said, i have been aware of this state of being so i gave it some attention ("hello, i notice you. and i know you aren't real... so if you want to talk this out so you can say your peace and leave i'm up for that when you are") and plugged along. i put on some background noise at the office to get me through the work i needed to do, i took a walk at lunch time... i took care of myself. that "self care" thing seems to be the best thing i ever do for myself. the shit wasn't fading in the face of self care, however, and i found myself having a text message conversation with the angry wombat that went something like this (by the way, sharing this feels horrifyingly embarrassing, but that's my clue that it's the right thing to write about, so here goes...):

me (about devon, having NO idea where this is coming from... nothing has actually happened or not happened to create this impression): ...i don't even think she likes me anymore. :(wombat: what? no way. why would you even think that?!me: because i'm crazy and anxious and depressed and... why would she want to be with someone who is as broken as me?wombat: (something reassuring about me being amazing and awesome)me: i don't feel awesome or amazing. i feel like a worthless piece of shit who can't get her act together and is pathetic and fat and disgusting...wombat: (something else very loving and supportive)

the fact that i go straight to "the person i am developing intimacy with doesn't like me anymore" when i feel like shit aside (to address in therapy asap)... i found myself sitting there thinking "IS THAT WHAT I REALLY THINK ABOUT MYSELF?!"

this is not the "circle of life"
they're singing about in the
opening of The Lion King

and in the moment, the answer was yes (which explains why i have been feeling so shitty). and that was TERRIFYING.

because the truth is that i KNOW that i am indeed awesome and amazing. ...and incredible and beautiful and smart and accomplished and loving and lovable and loved and all of those important things... but why can't i reach that "knowing" in moments like this afternoon? where does the peace of that "knowing" go and why?

this is the point in the blog post when i answer the question myself. but this time i don't know the answer. all i know is that i have to figure it out for myself and that no one is going to rescue me (which really fucking sucks). wish me luck, please.