I had my annual pelvic exam/physical thing yesterday. I wasn’t thrilled about it (oy, the scraping!), but neither was I terrified. I was, however, nervous.

My doc–a PCP/internist, not a gyno–is pretty good. She’s very business-like, swift without being brusque, and lets me know what each step is coming and why. HOWEVER. She also repeatedly uses the phrase “when you get pregnant,” even though 1) I’ve told her that is Not Happening, and 2) she’s the Dude’s PCP too and referred him for a vasectomy a little over a year ago. I’ve stopped correcting her. But that’s just an annoyance. As was her smiley, approving comment about the weight I’ve lost in the last year, although a) I wasn’t “overweight” to begin with, b) I’m still in the same BMI* range and c) it’s due to a medication I was taking for a recently-diagnosed case of Seasonal Affective Disorder, not any healthy choices on my part.

Anyway, the “nervous” thing. I’ve got some genetic tendency towards blood clots, which is a big reason I went off the Pill and the Dude got the snip. As I mentioned in the thread to Becky’s I Heart BCP post, I have been on oral contraceptives almost continuously since the age of 19, after my one and only pregnancy scare. There might have been a month off here or there, since I moved around a lot and couldn’t always get to a clinic right away, but then I was right back on it. And it was good to me. No babies, of course, and before I took it, my cycle was never regular: 21 days, 33 days…who knew? On the Pill? clockwork. Literally: 4th Wednesday, around 4pm.

Until January of 2009. I went off. And everything went off. I went kinda wackadoo. Mood swings, pimples like a 14 year old boy’s, and maaaaaaaad libido, followed by a profound, raging depression that was no doubt exacerbated by the Seasonal thing. Bad times. A lot of lost time.

So I went back on it, for nearly a year, until we figured out wtf was going on. And the answer is: SAD? Peri-menopause (keeeeerist, at 34)? Uh…fleas? Not sure. But I leveled out with the combination of BCP and the drug what tweaks my dopamine levels (SSRIs decidedly DID NOT work), we went with it.

Until now. I’ve run out my Rx for BCP, and agreed with my doc to play the waiting game to see what happens to my “unregulated” body and brain. And I’m nervous.

I’ve read more than a handful of posts in the fem-o-sphere about the risks of taking hormonal contraception, and plenty of horror stories about bad experiences on this pill or that, but frankly, I’m worried about what’s going to happen not taking them. To me, personally, because last year sucked giant mega monster dongs. But also, more generally, from a feminist perspective. No one can deny that chemistry matters, or that body and brain are intricately intertwined, so what if my lady-hormones naturally fluctuate so much–or are just so out of whack–that I become utterly unreasonable, emotionally whippy, a giant walking bag of gushy fluids and angst? A hideous stereotype of the excessive, out-of-control woman, incapacitated by that which makes her (biologically, anyway) female? In other words: everything I reject and debunk?

I know I’m not representative of all womanity, but srsly, cue the Painful Irony.

Anyway, I guess where I’m headed with this is to admit something I deeply, deeply don’t want to admit: I don’t trust my own body. After my experience last year, I’m afraid of it. I’m worried about what might happen to my body, but more worried about what might happen to my brain.

This is already overlong, and I’m just touching the intersection of feminism and disability/ableism (absolutely not my strong point), and pondering the idea of sex AS disability, so I’m throwing this out there, though I don’t know what to ask for or expect. Weigh in, theorize, refer (I can’t find any good info on this issue that isn’t about fertility, which I don’t give a crap about), yawn, bleach the overshare-y details from your brain, whatever. It’s where I am, and I could use some perspective.

*I think of it as Bogus Medical Idea, or the Bite Me Index, but she has her little chart on the wall and uses it to decide people’s…health? worth?

Honestly, I think this comes down to women being more in touch with their bodies. I’ve recently read “Taking charge of your fertility” by Toni Weschler and I wish I had read it years ago. It is all about empowering women through understanding their bodies. I never liked the BCP and I think it suppresses women’s connection to their bodies. Our cycles seem erratic if we don’t know what is going on with them, but as I learned more about my body and my cycle I was able to identify what was happening and why and even predict my cycle and recognize my emotional states as part of my cycle. I think it is extremely empowering and recommend reading it to any woman whether they are interested in getting pregnant, not getting pregnant or just knowing more about their body.

I had a similar experience when I started taking the Pill and it left me frightened and second-guessing myself for a long time. Just knowing that all it took to make me suicidal and unable to leave bed for days was a tiny increase in certain hormones was (and is) TERRIFYING.

For me, it took time to return to trusting myself coupled with surrounding myself with people who would 1) know when something was wrong with me and 2) be brave enough to tell me.

Sorry I don’t have any good references or theoretical advice, just sympathy and good wishes for you.

What Plum-Pie said, though I recognize big hormonal mood swings aren’t fun for anyone. My endocrinologist likes to talk about how men on a submarine together will start cycling together, on a monthly basis.

I get pretty terrible PMS now that I’ve been off BCP for a couple of years, but acknowledging it helps manage it. I’m happy for ladies who DON’T get PMS, but I’ve always been pretty bummed with folks who consider it a social construct. Dude, you do not know The Rage. I also just started having a regular cycle for the first time in my life, at the age of thirty. Who knows why?

Also, keep an eye on things. My friend was on BCP for most of her adult life, went off, had all sorts of wacky symptoms that went undiagnosed for several years, and then it turned out she had a very small and benign tumor on her pituitary. This is not an attempt to be an alarmist, but just to note that there are physiological reasons at times for the out-of-whack mood cycles.

My personal experience with the BCP is pretty limited, but if you’re looking for more reading material, I recommend Holly Grigg-Spall’s blog, Sweetening the Pill, and Laura Eldridge’s new book, In Our Control. (It’s not out for another month or so, but I’ve been fortunate to receive an advance copy for review, and it’s quite good.)

Ugh, Dorky, that sounds like Teh Dredfulness. On the plus side, you have friends, cats, and an Awesome Dude who love you, and we’ll love and accept you however you are.

Reading this, I think you very neatly summarized my biggest fears about both pregnancy and menopause—that my body/brain will go out of whack and transform me into a hormonally addled, spacey, weepy mess. And what’s worse, that will mean the Patriarchy’s been right all along!

I think the support of other women is really invaluable at times like this. Commonality of experience helps remind you that you’re not alone and you’re not crazy.

I don’t know a lot about SAD and PMDD, to be honest, but I do feel incredibly hypocritical when, on a bad day and usually somewhere before or during my period, I lose my cool. And it usually ends in one or two ways: someone blames it on PMS and I roar that not all women are controlled by their emotions, OR I lose steam and blow it off on PMS. Both are counterproductive and never address what set me off in the first place: I’m sensitive to ridiculous people and you are being ridiculous right now, that is what is setting me off.

I was on the pill for over 10 years before I went off it. It took my body over a year to get back to normal. The worst symptom was the migraines, but those only lasted a couple months. I now can’t tolerate any form of hormonal BC at all, even supposedly low-dose, “local” forms like NuvaRing – it triggers the migraines again.

It sucks. I don’t like having to look at the calendar whenever I have an irrational reaction to something, but I’m getting better at dealing with it as time goes on. All in all it encourages me to be more zen about life in general and not make decisions too hastily.

In short, my experience (which matches that of many other women I know) has been that if you tough it out, your body will re-adjust, but you may not ever be able to tolerate hormonal BC again.

One of the worst, nastiest, stormiest nights of the soul that occurs in me as a feminist and a woman who is desperate to be fully alive and real in a way that culture denies our sex is the terrifying depth of my own woman-hatred. The terror that wakes me at night, I am not exaggerating, is “What if it’s true? What if being a woman really does make me less-than, objectively, truly, globally?”
Hating what our bodies do is one way of hating ourselves for being women. If only we didn’t have this problem, we could take over the world and pee out the window!

Anyway, when I start hating myself, I take steps to healing the problem. Therapeutic massage (especially with a lymphatic and reflexology/thyroid/adrenal stimulus) helps a lot. Long, solo, angry rambles in the sunlight help a lot. Vitamin D supplements are the BOMB. Also, tea instead of coffee. The hippier the better. I have more to add if you care.

Hang in there. Women are not supposed to trust their bodies. You are smack up against a core feminist issue right here. It is universally assumed that if we could make our bodies go away, be less female, we would. Isn’t this because those bodies are so devalued and reviled?

Oh man PHD, that sucks. Out of sheer laziness I didn’t pick up my BCP last month and consequentially I am having the most hideous period imaginable now.

I am someone who’s life noticeably changed once I started taking the pill so I can totally relate. Without the pill I get the worst cramps, my boobs seriously practically go up a bra size and I’m already a 32D to begin with (ie big breast on a not so big frame) and all my clothes look wrong. Plus the timing if I’m off the pill is horribly irregular. At times months will go by with no period but weeks of PMS-type symptoms. My senior year of high school I had to have my doctor write a letter because my severe cramps caused me to miss so much school they were seriously considering flunking me one semester.

I’ve also commented that I don’t know what I’d do if I had lived in times without BC. My mom is a nurse and she (as well as several other reputable sources) have told me that these symptoms tend to dissipate once a woman gives birth, for whatever reason. So in the olden days I guess the “solution” was to just get pregs.

Amy S., I don’t think I’m inherently lesser, or that I’d like to make my body go away, but I’ve never wanted (or even particularly liked) children, so fertility has always been something to manage/fend off, not just “plan.” Which is not to say that I don’t harbor some misogyny, living in the world as we all do. I didn’t LURV my period, but I liked it as a sign that everything was working.

I went over to the first link Elizabeth mentioned above, and found this:

…the earlier you start taking the pill, the longer you take it for, the less and less you understand about the workings of your female body. The less you understand, the more fearful you become. You are not feeling the natural monthly changes, there is no connection between your physicality, your mind and your emotions and so your body becomes disassociated from your sense of self.

which hits home like WHOA. And I’m willing (if fearful) to see what the changes are, and work on learning or establishing those connections, which I don’t think I ever really had, since I was so irregular as a teen (which I understand is quite typical).

But there is a difference between cramps, boob swelling, and being irritable–I had that on BCP, anyway–and having IHATEEVERYTHINGFUCKYOUIWANTTODIE on a mental loop for days and weeks.(JustReading? I hear ya, loud and clear.) Is that ever “rational,” even if it’s my normal?

I’m so sorry, PhD. When I got my IUD out last year, my first period was so debilitating, painful, mood-swingy, and miserable that I told my husband that if he didn’t get me pregnant THAT MONTH, we were going to stop trying and I was getting my IUD back (Admittedly, I was already more ambivalent about having a second kid). I had always had pretty serious periods (I’ve been hospitalized three times for dehydration on the first day of my period), but this was more painful than either my previous miscarriages or several major abdominal surgeries.

I don’t think we should necessarily distrust our bodies, but I’m also dubious of the Taking Control of You Fertility crowd about how we should just get in touch with our cycles. Because I’ve had to be hospitalized. I worry that the anti-pill sentiment is just one more way that we embrace technology and progress except when it effects women’s health (see: abortion).

I don’t have any real advice, PhD, except that you shouldn’t be afraid to tell your doctor if the wait and see attitude isn’t working for you, and that you should make sure you surround yourself with understanding people. Also, remind yourself that, while I don’t know about all men, a lack of sleep turns my husband into a ridiculously irrational mess, much more so than me. I suspect everyone has different biological triggers for irrationality, and even if it turns out yours is related to your period, that doesn’t make you evidence for the Patriarchy.

Sorry to hear about all of that, PhDork. It sounds really nasty. I’ll cross my fingers that it all goes well this time around.

I just tried to write out my thoughts on this, but they were long and not terribly coherent, and basically boiled down to What Plum-Pie Said.

But I can at least add that I do sometimes feel being a woman can be a handicap – cramps suck, the mess of having your period is irritating, the fact that we have to have children young and men can do it until they die is infuriating. But they’re facts of life, and things we all learn to deal with – but unfortunately society at large, by still largely following a patriarchal blueprint, makes it that much more difficult for us all, because it heaps shame and marginalization onto those original annoying facts of life. That’s the real scandal, if you ask me.

I worry that the anti-pill sentiment is just one more way that we embrace technology and progress except when it effects women’s health.

I tend to agree with AvOgadro in her dubiousness. True, my body behaves differently when I’m on the pill than when I wasn’t. But to suggest that I’m somehow less in touch with my body or don’t know how it operates seems ridiculous. I know exactly how it operates. It’s not ovulating right now, but that doesn’t make my body’s operations any less know-able or authentic (especially since, were we back in the bad old days, I wouldn’t be ovulating much anyway, what with all the pregnancy and nursing I’d be doing).

Saying that we’re somehow not in touch with our bodies if we take the Pill seems like the same anti-woman guilting that says we’re not real women having an authentic experience if we have pain relief during labor. Sometimes our bodies function better with painkillers or supplemental hormones. There’s no shame in that, and I sense a judge-y, shame-y undercurrent in some of the backlash against hormonal BC.

Of course, men’s experience of their bodies is not considered authentic unless they’re boner-ed up 24-7, even if they’d never have those boners otherwise.

@PhD – “having IHATEEVERYTHINGFUCKYOUIWANTTODIE on a mental loop for days and weeks.”

This stuck out to me because there’s only been two times in my life that I felt this way. One was when I tried to go on BC, and the other was when I had just gotten out of an emotionally traumatic situation and was trying to come back to an equilibrium state. Sometimes I think that when you go through a big change that you didn’t want to have to deal with, it takes some time to get back to normal, and that’s okay. And I’ll also point out that the idea that having an experience that affects your “mind” and then going through a bad period and having an experience that affects your “body” and then going through a similar period are not as separate as they might seem — the mind/body duality is an artificial construct in a lot of way.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s okay to give yourself permission to be off your rocker for a little bit when adjusting to something big.

Oh god.
Thank you for posting this. Because, as a newbie to feminism, just starting to recognize all the privilege my brothers have and the suffering I do… I, too, have been staying up, hating being female. Not to say the fight shouldn’t go on–it SHOULD–but the idea that I was born with so many strikes against me? (And that’s WITH me being middle class and white. I am well aware that I have my own privileges, though I don’t want to begin to boast). What if my PMS really IS a show of how illogical the rest of my anger and passion is? (and, as panic elevates) What if I really am a bitch?
Why can’t I be a man? It would be so much easier!
And with all that late night self-hate…

…thank you, for letting me know I’m not alone, and that it doesn’t [necessarily] make me a bad feminist.

(Also, if there are any book recommendations, I would be grateful. I do intend to look into the Taking Control of Your Fertility book (and freaking out my mother) despite also seeing the need for pain killers, etc)

I’m not always a fan of choice feminism, but I am when it comes to our bodies. We need to do what works best for us personally, whether that’s to go the non-hormonal route or go the BCP/hormone replacement. At different times in my life, I’ve had medical reasons for both extremes.

As one of the older harpies, I’ll let you in on a not-so-secret bit of information. Our bodies change over time throughout our 20′s, 30′s, and 40′s, and this will impact your hormones/periods. Be prepared for seemingly random changes.
For those on the non-hormonal route, I agree with what everyone said about figuring out your own cycles (as much as possible) and learn when to expect worse pms/periods. For me, the trigger is stress. Exercise helps, but only to a certain extent. Oil of evening primrose helps with the sore boobs. Major loss of blood will also trigger major crankiness, as I learned the few times I gave blood at the same time as my period. Iron supplements help. But that’s just me. Everyone is different.

I rely on BCP now because during the blank pill times, when estrogen dips, I get these monstrous reoccurring migraines. So now I do these phases of skipping the blank pills to avoid migraines, although then I feel like I’m stuck in this PMS loop until I can schedule a time to deal with migraines.

I think perhaps the idea that we ought to act totally cool and rational during that ‘special time’ might be just as damaging as the idea that we’re all out-of-control PMSing bitches. It also smacks of the kind of not-enough-of-a-woman/too-much-of-a-woman double-bind that we are plagued with enough as it is (think skinny/fat, frigid/slutty, epidural/natural birth, etc.)

I say, if you choose to opt out of the pain and moodiness with hormonal birth control, the more power to you. But if you choose to do things the hard way, and it sounds like you are, here is my best advice:

Bitchiness is your friend. Embrace it. Aside from any hormonal causes, which are real enough, it is also a completely rational response to being in pain and leaking. I don’t know that it’s possible to be leaking and in pain without being in a foul mood, really. I also like to make it clear to my partner that while I may seem unreasonably pissed off around this time, it’s usually about things that I was pissed off about already, so he ought to listen close.

Also, I make some tea that really helps with fatigue, cramps, and nausea. I use 1 bag black tea, a couple red raspberry leaves, and some oregano. You can buy red raspberry leaves at most health food stores, but the garden variety works just as well. You can also make coffee+red raspberry and oregano if you need stronger medicine, but I usually don’t because I find that coffee makes my cramps much worse.

Sorry for the long comment, but I hope something here will help. And never fear – Dealing with difficult/painful periods does get easier with time, both physically and mentally.

Dorkie, this does not sound like fun. *hugs* As has been pointed out above, women and medication of any sort have a fraught relationship. Whatever you decide to do, it’s not an irrevocable decision. Do what you need to do to make your life livable.

And remember, when women are cycling, they start arguments. When men are cycling, they start wars. We’re still a lot saner overall.

But I won’t go through all the details of the sitch with me. Instead have a chat with your dr about polycystic ovarian syndrome. It took a while for anybody to find out what was going on with me (incredibly irregular menses, pretty bad emotional swings, and a whole lot of other issues), until I had the testing done for this. It may not be PCOS, but it might be worth having a look at things related to hormones.

A flip side to all the understanding your body stuff – when taking medication, be it the pill or something else, you need to be just as in tune with your body so you can understand what it going on.

I know it’s been discussed elsewhere that women’s emotional moments (crying) are considered irrational and, well, “emotional” while men’s moments (inappropriate aggression, screaming) are not usually thought of as being “emotional.” This is patriarchal bullshit and we see that clearly.
I suggest you think of your hormone driven moments the same way. If a woman has a spike or dip in hormone levels and it causes her to lash out at a co-worker, friend, lover, whatever – she is marginalized as being “out of control” or “a victim of her own body.” But when a man does something inappropriate or even illegal because his testosterone spiked and his dick got hard, the world has great sympathy (and often respect) for him. He’s a man truly in touch with his inner beast, unrestrained by society’s feminine attempts to tame his masculinity. Any woman who questions this is probably PMSing.

All that aside – after a decade on my beloved pill, I switched to Mirena. There was considerable adjustment – largely due to the fact that I’m host to a grab bag of anxiety “disorders.” The pill had long functioned as sort of a poor woman’s anti-anxiety/depressant. Once it was gone, my anxiety definitely caused some downward spiraling. Eventually I got medication for the problem and feel better than ever. Now when I’m crying suddenly whilst watching a sitcom or wake up fully convinced that my very devoted dude is cheating on me – I’ve learned to stop and do the math since my last pill (it’s only active in my system for 3-5 hours and withdrawal is worse than my anxiety ever was). It’s flawed, sure, but I haven’t been escorted out of a bank by armed guards or detained by homeland security in an airport since I’ve been on it.
Just be open to the possible necessity of further medication tweaking – as what is working for you now, may not continue to. You’re going into this with open eyes and a damn good brain. You are fucking good at questioning the assumed. So when you feel that random, unbridled rage that seeps up, I have confidence that you can question and overcome that as well.

I’m rather late to the party, but I have to disagree with the fact that taking the pill will make you know your body less well, as did some other commenters.
I started the pill at sixteen, and have had on years/off years because I’m not too fond of the hormoney stuff (raised by a hippy mother, homeopathy, etc etc); I’ve been back on it for the last seven months, sure it helps tracking cycles, but I’ve always been pretty damn lucky as far as periods go; I started them at eleven, and the first few were so painful I couldn’t go to school, but that stopped.

As for the mood swings, my theory is that most women I know, if they’re PMSing/having their period just don’t have the patience they have the rest of the time, and so what usually annoys us on a small scale just becomes unbearable.

And most men I know seem to be PMSing all the damn time, so screw the being lesser than part

I agree with other commenters that what pisses me off when I’m experiencing PMS is the same shit that bugs me other times but it hits harder. I had PMDD when I was on one particular BCP (a low-dose triphasic) and it was very different. I could experience the entire range of human emotions in a single hour. The feelings seemed to come out of nowhere and didn’t seem relate to my life.

I had to stay on BCP to prevent frequent ovarian cysts, and I was afraid that I would be on it forever. I didn’t mind when I was using for contraceptive purposes, but I didn’t like “needing it”. I stopped taking it because my migraines were terrible in my off-week and I got break-through bleeding if I tried to skip the off-week and start the next pack. I was afraid that the cysts would come back, but it has been a couple of years and so far, so good.

I was also diagnosed with SAD once, but my symptoms almost completely went away once I found out that I had severe Vitamin D deficiency. I need to get my levels re-checked, but I have felt much better after a therapeutic dose of 50,000 IU 3 times per week for 6 weeks then OTC 5,000 IU once per day. I have celiac disease and live just south of the Mason-Dixon line, so those 2 factors combined to make me incapable of making Vitamin D from the sun very well.

Weird observation is that since working on my Vitamin D level, I am now freckling when in the sun. For years, I would burn then go back to pasty.

Just offering up some personal experiences in case what helped me could be of any help to anyone else here.

Ph Dork, I have irregular periods too: cycles anywhere from 26 to 40 days long. I didn’t start hormonal birth control until I was over 30, so I lived with irregular cycles a lot longer than you. I never had PMS; my breasts swelled a little but not much; I almost never had cramps. Irregular cycles don’t have to mean bad experiences.

When you go off hormones, your body’s own production takes a while to get back into the swing of things. Until you’re back in the swing of things, you may have wild hormonal surges and lulls. **This is not the new normal.** This is temporary. If you stay off the pills, your body will probably settle back into the way it used to cycle.

Also, you can be in touch with your body whether you’re on or off the pill; an aware woman will remain aware either way. I find that there isn’t as much change to notice in non-ovulating cycles, but I am aware of what does happen. As you yourself observed, your cramps, crankiness, and breast swelling were monthly changes that did relate your mind, physicality, and emotions.

@PhD – “having IHATEEVERYTHINGFUCKYOUIWANTTODIE on a mental loop for days and weeks.”

I haven’t read all the posts here so forgive me if I’m repeating anything. Did you have your iron levels checked? were you by any chance anemic?

After a terrible 6 months of uncontrolled bleeding due to fibroids, I chose a hysterectomy (kept my ovaries) and left the hospital with the feeling you described above. I remember saying “my mom and sister are coming over?! who the fuck invited them?!” (I have a great mom and sister so this WAS an unusual response) I couldn’t sit still, was agitated and irrational. Two days of treatment for severe anemia and I started to feel normal again… if your periods are heavier because you’re off bc, it may be anemia and not just hormones.

“Also, you can be in touch with your body whether you’re on or off the pill; an aware woman will remain aware either way.” I second this, Kathmandu!

You know what you feel like on the pill; you know what you feel like off the pill. You can make your own educated decision and know that you exercised your right to choose what you put in your own body.