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Some like it…scooped?

A friend of mine got invited recently for a job interview and after passing the first two stages successfully was called back for a medical. Personally, what I’ve been used to in these situations (apart from filling out my bio data) is to be asked for a blood and urine sample. Of course the next thing I would expect is to be shown a needle and to be given a small plastic container. You could therefore imagine the bewilderment when my friend was offered two small plastic containers: one for the pee and one for the poo!

Question: What information are you trying to extract from fecal matter? Maybe it’s the consistency that says something profound about a person’s character. I can imagine the results of the stool sample coming back from the lab and then reading comments like, ‘Candidate is believed to have a very firm character and can focus in one direction.’ or ‘Candidate is likely to be very loose in nature, with the potential of struggling to keep it together when under pressure’.

Anyway, my friend’s ordeal wasn’t quite over yet. I mean, it’s not every day you prepare yourself to stoop and poop into a container slighter bigger than a tic-tac case. It requires skill. If you’ve read my article, ‘The truth about Men and Toilet seats’ you’d understand. Now, it was hard enough trying to poop on demand but how on earth was she supposed to aim into that small plastic container? Perhaps she was required to poop into the toilet bowl and scoop a sample into the container; well this isn’t what she did. Let’s just say her move involved a disposable plastic cup (reluctantly given by the nurse), precision aiming and a plastic spoon *insert dry heaving here* – Damn these employers who make us stoop so low!

I’ve heard that Marijuana could stay in your bloodstream for up to 3 months and would definitely show up in a blood test. But what dark (brown) secrets could your poo possibly be concealing other than some bits of undigested corn? Don’t ask me – quite frankly I don’t give a _ _ _ _! (fill in the blanks)

Recently I had to do a medical they only wanted pee… but the woman just about wanted to sit in my lap while I went for fear of me having a replacement sample hidden round the corner. The one I had to supply after that, for a different company, I was handed a little jar and told to go piss in it, and the toilet was round the corner and down the hall next to the elevators. I almost said “you’re kidding me?” but refrained. This is the same mob that stuffed up my hearing test and caused me to get the union involved to assist me to get my job back after I was unjustly fired from it for the redundant test.