Friday, February 18, 2011

Craziness

I'm not quite sure how to write everything that has been happening coherently, so I'll give it all to you in bullet point.

I made it to day 12 of tackling my CPD. Then I failed, and failed again, and failed again. But now, I'm back on track. I'm on day 2 today, Friday.

I noticed that my triggers to CPD are anxiety, worry, nervousness. I found out last week that a cousin was in the hospital because she OD'ed. I was crazy worried about her and her 3 children. Yes, 3 children, the oldest is 14 years old. It's hard for me because I live thousands of miles away from my family, but I feel like I should still be able to do something to help. Someone tell me what to do and I'll do it. Honestly. I somehow want to ease the burden, for her and for her children.

I was also worried about my Grandma. Her sister passed away last week. And while I knew my great-aunt, I knew that she'd likely pass away soon. My Grandma isn't taking it too well. She's also ill herself; she has kidney failure and needs to be on a strict diet to get well and feel well. But she's not doing it. I worry for her. I want her to feel well and be healthy. I want to ease her burden.

During this time of worrying, my face broke out and a test of all of my will came to the surface. I just could not stop touching my face in habitual nervousness. I couldn't stop thinking about the pimple on my face. I know it's gross; it's not a topic to discuss, but it's very serious ya'll. I got a dose of what it's like to be an addict. Thankfully, my addiction is only CPD, it could be worse. And trust me, I understand it. It's by far the hardest thing that I've had to try to change about myself...everything else seems easy. I know this sounds so dramatic and I guess in a way it is, but it's my life. Every little detail and every BIG detail.

One would think with all of the yoga and meditation that I do, I could relax. But, I can't. I'm consciously aware of just how up-tight I really am. Good lord, what would I be like without my yoga and meditation practice? Om Namah Shivaya! :)

On a happier note. I know this is all a phase. The worrying, the stress, the nervousness. This too shall pass. Just be in it, touch it, feel it and let it be. Then, let it go. I just sometimes want it to happen sooner than the emotions are ready.... sigh.