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I knew those safety monitors were going to go too far. I’ve marked the number of feet it takes to safely stand away from the micro-wave, lysoled my phone and invested in a full array radon detection system, yet i still feel like i’m going to wake any day and find myself staring out of crib bars because i didn’t pass safety inspection. Sweet little faces are going to gaze down at me while they insipidly croon, “we’re only doing what’s best for you, my dear.”