Is Greenwich, Connecticut Too Big To Fail?

Okay so it’s nine days old, but you must read this very delightful article about the effects of the financial crisis on Greenwich, Connecticut, a town where rich people live. There had been three types of people in Greenwich, organized into a clear heirarchy: rich hedge fund managers, rich investment bankers, and lastly, filthy serfs. Then! Wall Street crashed! And the new arrangement is thus: rich hedge fund managers, slightly less rich ex-investment bankers, and even filthier serfs. This is a disaster of world-historical magnitude and Hank Paulson needs to buy Greeenwich’s “middle class” new Ferraris to avoid SYSTEMIC GLOBAL FINANCIAL DEFAULT FAILURE.

Paulson understands the risk inherent in letting more rich investment bankers lose 30% of their wealth and succumb to that bleak nadir of “comfortable early retirement.” Because if Greenwich fails, THEN ALL OF CONNECTICUT WILL FAIL:

As the good times rolled in recent years, the state budget became increasingly dependent on Greenwich. Despite having only about 60,000 people, the town contributed nearly $600 million in state income taxes in 2006 — more than three times the income taxes paid by the combined populations of Hartford, Bridgeport, New Haven and Waterbury. With only 1.8 percent of tax filers, Greenwich provides nearly 13 percent of all state income tax, helping to pay for schools in West Hartford and road repairs in Rockville, not to mention every other cost related to running the state.

Connecticut! Gone! Can America survive a reabsorption of this heathen separatist state back into Massachusetts Bay Colony??? If we’re lucky, JP Morgan Chase will just buy it, as it has every other crappy thing ever. JP Morgan Chase puts country above self.

Then we come to famous rich Greenwich person Ned Lamont, the Senate loser who has recently been spotted bumming around for change in Denver parking lots. Ned explains how Wall Street can affect Main Street, in Greenwich:

“The roofer and the plumber and the construction guys — a lot of their year is correlated to financial bonuses,” said Lamont, who has lived in Greenwich for 20 years. “It’s going to immediately affect the lives of some people here more than other places around the state.”

It’s like the history of the American South. When cotton was booming after the invention of the cotton gin around 1800, plantation owners made lots of cash and slaves had lots of work they could do. Slavemasters called this “trickle-down economics.” And then when Ted Kennedy and the liberals made slavery illegal, the slavemasters made no money and the lazy slaves had no way to fill up their time.

As Ned Lamont actually says about Greenwich in the financial crisis, “This is our Katrina.”

UPDATE: Did you know that Joe Lieberman is in his 60s and has never had sex?

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

Comments

Fuld and his wife own 10 cars, town records show, including a 2006 BMW valued at more than $50,000.

Wait… something’s not right here. Guy owns 10 cars and the fanciest one they could come up with was a 2006 BMW worth 50 grand? What, are the rest up on blocks rusting in his front yard? Is he promising that he’ll get the 1977 Trans Am running “any day now?” Is he scavenging the red ’86 Grand National in his back yard for parts to get the black ’87 Grand National in his garage back on the road?

grendel

Trying to come up with some snark but…. Fuck Connecticut. Seriously, fuck it all to hell. This is God’s wrath for electing Jowly Joe.

MoodProcessor

God Bless these United States of Americonnecticut.
Poor world. Poor, poor world.

Sussemilch

Wanted: Photo of Joe Lieberman in hobo suit

AngryBlakGuy

…you are reaching a bit(actually a lot) on that analogy Ned. When I see the bloated corpses of hedge fund managers floating down flooded streets then you can call it “Katrina”!

MoodProcessor

[re=115091]Sussemilch[/re]: Top dollar for video of Joe in hobo rags gettin’ the bum’s rush.

I went to school in the South. And as annoying as rich, spoiled Southern country club kids were, the Connecti-can’t-do-anything-without-daddy’s-money kids were far worse. I hope Greenwich fails and takes Darien with it.

magic titty

Someone dickslap Ned Lamont.
Thanks.

Texas2Step

[re=115094]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: What?! You mean you didn’t see the pictures of the locals looting the local Starbucks, stealing hundreds of Venti lattes and the windows of Talbots busted out? Why isn’t the news reporting this?! When is Bush going to do his fly-over of CT?

Delicious

With no bonuses that they once relied on, the mid-level Wall Street workers will likely pull back from buying the fanciest cars and the largest boats.

Truly a tragedy!

roundofapplause

Maybe that’s why they are now breaking till Thursday. Because i tell you, I say unless the jews want to fork over $700 billion to fix this shit, work through the damn holiday.

ihasasad

Let them eat cake!

Jim Newell

[re=115118]roundofapplause[/re]: Antisemite.

Tequila Face

If I am ever elected president, I will force Connecticut to secede from the USA.

southernbitch

i would pay ned lamont a good chunk of change to have him come down to my neighborhood in new orleans and say that shit. i’d give him three blocks before someone shot his stupid ass and threw him in the river.

Canuckledragger

Greenwich Mean Time? Yeah, truly mean times.

Nothing that a little Joementum can’t cure, though.

ihasasad

[re=115127]southernbitch[/re]: I can’t wait for them to all move into football stadiums and get a visit from Barbara.

AngryBlakGuy

…soon they wont be able to pay their illegal immigrant servants, sweat shop prices to wipe their asses! The horror, the horror!!!

togakangaroo

Hey! I grew up in West Hartford!

Cape Clod

Well, I’m sure that all those wealthy home owners in Greenwich will sell their ski chalets in Vail and Taos so their less well off minions can keep their jobs. The rich always think first of those less fortunate than them.

Fear of a Black Reagan

Oh great! Now they’ll just write even more f*&#ing speeding tickets!

F*&$ you Connecticut! F*&@ you in the earhole!

Freshly Minted Hobo Jack Mehoff

House republicans don’t care about rich white folks.

Terry

Show the poor hedge fund managers exactly the same level of support and compassion they showed others when they were riding high.

DemmeFatale

[re=115118]roundofapplause[/re]: Nice, asshat.

(And “Jews” should be capitalized.)

c-sick

hey screw greenwich! im from waterbury, the center of the universe, where 3 out of the last 4 mayors were indicted, 2 went to jail, and our favorite son, former Gov. Rowland, served time for corruption. screw those fat cats on the gold coast, at least when we when steal we dont collapse the country’s economy!

Freshly Minted Hobo Jack Mehoff

This makes me want to sit on barbed wire to stop laughing: “But ordinary residents of Connecticut should, in fact, care very much about the welfare of Greenwich residents.”

lazyb

O dear! My dream of being an assistant topiary planner to a hedgefund douchesack is dashed. I won’t be happy until their homes are looted by their newly-less-employed serfs.

knoxtheharpy

Bomb Connecticut.

Serolf Divad

[re=115118]roundofapplause[/re]:

It’s spelled “joos.” And they’re too busy killing baby Jesus all over again to care about a bailout.

Oh boo hoo. Cry me a fucking river. Now excuse me while I go decide which I hate more — the whiny fat cats or the suckers who want to bail them out.

Texas2Step

[re=115134]ihasasad[/re]: Well at least we know now where the surplus trailers are going to go now and the FEMA credit cards.

Gopherit v2.0

[re=115118]roundofapplause[/re]: Yeah, why can’t they have the work ethic of of the evangelical Christians. They found time in their busy schedule of stall trawling and page-fucking to screw the economy out of $1.1 trillion yesterday.

Enjoy the banhammer.

donner_froh

Ned Lamont was the best the Connecticut Dems could pick to run against Lieberman? The senses reel, the mind bogles.

yeah, never said it was their fault. I just think that nothing should stop them from dealing with this like oh I don’t know … like NOW. Its cool Congress, take your two days off and let the markets continue to crash, everyone lose their homes, and the now look the sky is falling! Actually I’m pretty excited Jim responded to me though, not going to lie.

Botswana Meat Commission FC

There goes half of L.L.Bean’s customer base!

jagorev

Come on… surely Connecticut is nowhere near as deserving of our scorn as Delaware, which is the single most loathsome state in the Union?

Rielle Hunter

[re=115225]roundofapplause[/re]: Seriously. Those lazy jews. Why can’t they have real people holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving? Will the media fail like the banks? WHAT IS NEXT???

Remember folks, when in doubt… BLAME THE JEWS.

fyi- I’m a total Jew. and kidding above, obv.

edgydrifter

If Greenwich fails, Martha’s Vinyard could be next. And who know what might happen then. It’s the Domino Effect people–wake up! The DOMINO EFFECT!

Eeeew. Who fucking cares. I wonder how long it will take to train a hedge funder to become a barrista then get used to having nothing and shitty insurance, while some boob plays with his blackberry.
This, “my friend”, is the U S of A.

tiger

Can you pass the grey poupon?

TeddyS

Jeeves, please hurl some cake to the mob and inquire if any of them happen to be a plumber. The sink in our sixth bathroom seems to be leaking.

Noisette

Jim, this was the most wonderful article/blog post/whatever that I’ve ever read about anything, ever.

Outstando

Greenwich is vital to our recovery plans. That’s where we’re going to put all the FEMA trailers following the declaration of martial law in Bridgeport.

[re=115118]roundofapplause[/re]: I cant speak for “the jews” but I’m one jew who is having trouble making ends meet just like everyone else.

Jews: We’re Just Like You. Only With Horns.

HomoPolitico

[re=115284]Rielle Hunter[/re]: Shhhhhhh…they’re on to us.

PentagonBookkeeper

I will never forgive Greenwich for the horrendous hair cut I got while visiting my mom (who lived next to Victor Borge on the bay…long story). We were strolling down the main street and my bangs were a wee long so we popped into a fancy smanchy salon. This evil gay Yankee man with deadly weapons, attacked my beatiful long blonde hair and gave me the most fucked up mullet looking thing. I cried and cried and had to cut the back of my hair off to do away with this “bi-level” look. I say let Greenwich burn!!

ProfessorJukes

God I hate being from Connecticut. Or at least, I hate that everyone thinks Greenwich and the Gold Coast IS Connecticut.

The rest of state pretty much ignores Greenwich, which is literally the last outpost on the Constitution State’s westward tail. It’s the little section that’s teabagging New York.

I wish all of Fairfield County would fall into the sea, except that would raise my taxes, and since I had Ramen noodles for lunch again today, that would suck.

And we were NEVER part of Massachusetts.

PentagonBookkeeper

Oh, and seriously- I will always love Paul Newman, and wish JoAnne and all of their kids, my thoughts, prayers and hope for brighter days.

CTnotGreenwich

you can have greenwich, but some of us po’ folks from the northwest hills is a-ok

loquaciousmusic

[re=115805]CTnotGreenwich[/re]: I grew up in Salisbury, so REPRESENT, NORTHWEST CORNERZ!

tocute2btrue

CONNECTICUT, I had forgotten that prick little State, Iz got to get my black ass up there and get me some of them VOTES!

tocute2btrue

O yea if Elisabeth Hasslebeck leaves the View I am going to get her to be my VP, screw Obiden.
Then we will see ole McCain run.
I’ll bet that ugly Fag girl Odonald will head up the View then.

glamourdammerung

I never knew enough about Ned Lamont to realise what a prick he is.

CTnotGreenwich

loquaciousmusic: word to the foothills!!

villageatrois

Hey! Greenwich resident, Martha Stewart is more than sixty and has never had sex, uhh, with me. She needs to work a little more on her souffle, and perhaps offset it with fresh chardonnay grapes. And her presentation isn’t quite copacetic.

ProfessorJukes

[re=116472]villageatrois[/re]: Martha used to live in Westport, but now I believe she’s (blessedly) gone from the state … to a farm in Bedford, NY.

That pretentious “ct” in Connecticut was the tipoff; it’s the kind of place that would spell a verb for coitus “phuque.” Now that Paul Newman is dead, his widow and Letterman are the only two creative people left there. Lieberman’s party waffles are proof that Connecticut is skewif. It’s the Lehman Brothers of states — no bailout for Connecticut! Annex it to Rhode Island and let the tail wag the dog. New state motto, “Hedge This!”

YourPalfalfa

Martha’s living in Bedford-Stuyverson? The freakin’ bailout must have come too late. It’s like Brooklyn’s Hurricane Ike. Sad…

earling

I’m confused. I was just there and everything looked fine. There were brown-skinned landscapers, beady eyed state cops doing absolutely nothing in their polished knee-high boots, tiny little transmitters on fiberglass poles poking out of the woodsy underbrush, a cold, distant sheen on every blade of grass. Where’s the problem?