Chapter 1: A New Hope!

Straight off the road,
Her engines ignite!
She drives into battle,
Racing faster than light!
Eudial!

Lord of the Circus,
The hero who stalks!
The Tigers call him brother,
The ghost who walks!
Tigers Eye!

Defenders of the Earth! (Defenders!)

Master of magic,
Spells and illusion!
His gender can often
lead to confusion!
Zoicite!

Her appetite is legend,
Her politeness conquers all!
When Crow's not around,
She's gonna have a ball!
Siren!

Defenders of the Earth!

Eudial sat under an oak tree as she read her book. The air was warm, but
a refreshing cool breeze was blowing so it didn't become too uncomfortable.
She smiled contentedly. Hell wasn't that bad after all.

Of course the absolute best thing was, as she had learned from Tellu, who
had arrived a few weeks after herself, that Mimette would never reach the
afterlife, as she was trapped forever within Eudial’s computer system.
The universe was not without a sense of justice.

A shadow fell over her, and Eudial discreetly reached for the Fire Buster
Mark III as she looked up. Some of Hell's residents were considerably less
than friendly, after all. As she saw her visitor, her eyes widened in startled
recognition. "You!"

Eudial had been brought to a small room. It looked rather like a doctor’s
waiting room, from the crappy plastic chairs to the five-year-old magazines
on the table. The room was also occupied by three other people.

A handsome man with voluminous blonde hair looked at Eudial as she entered,
and she could feel him mentally undressing her.

A woman about Eudial's age with very long blue hair, who seemed engrossed
in an issue of 'Good Housekeeping' from the eighties.

And lastly, an extremely effeminate man, who was doing his best to act as
if the other two didn't exist.

"Okay, now that everyone is here, I can explain the situation,"
said Sailor Pluto as she indicated for Eudial to sit with the others.

"It's about time. You've kept us here for hours," said a very miffed
Zoicite. "There's no telling what Kunzite will be up to, without me to
keep an eye on him."

"I like it here. It's given me a chance to catch up on my reading."
Sailor Aluminum Siren smiled brightly, then on seeing
Eudial, she extended her hand. "Nice to meet you.
I'm Sailor Aluminum Siren. I'd give you a business card, but I seem to have
misplaced them."

Tigers Eye looked slightly miffed at that particular term of endearment,
but refrained from saying anything.

Pluto coughed impatiently. "Could I have your attention? Please."
Everyone turned to regard the guardian of time, so she continued, "The
reason I've assembled you four is because, aside from myself,
all of the Sailor Senshi are dead."

A collective gasp issued from the four ex-villains. The Sailor Senshi had
defeated all of their most nefarious plans. Whomever had killed them had to
be powerful indeed. "How did they die?" Zoicite asked, seeming interested
for the first time since arriving.

Pluto seemed a bit embarrassed. "Well… Sailors Jupiter, Mars and Venus
all died in a bizarre gardening accident…"

"Bizarre gardening accident?" Zoicite
repeated incredulously.

"Well… it was rather mysterious… the police decided it was best
to just leave it alone…" Pluto shuffled her feet as she spoke. "As
for Sailors Uranus and Neptune… er… they were electrocuted in the bath."

"In the bath…" Tigers Eye arched an eyebrow. "Together?"

"Um, yes… they were making toast and the toaster fell in…"
Pluto exhaled sharply and decided to press on "Sailor Mercury spontaneously
combusted during a chemistry exam, Sailor Saturn was mauled by wild dogs,
and Sailor Moon choked on someone else's vomit."

"Someone else's vomit?" Eudial
looked aghast.

Sailor Pluto scratched the back of her head "Well… We're not sure.
I mean, you can't exactly dust for vomit, can you?"

"What about cape boy?" Zoicite asked, while struggling to contain
his mirth.

"Hit by a bus," Pluto replied snappily.

"This is all very amusing -- I mean, tragic -- but what does it have
to do with us?" Eudial asked.

"Well… it's going to be a while before they get reincarnated, so someone
has to protect the Earth. I can't do it because I'm stuck at the Time Gate,
so you've been chosen. You'll be brought back to life of course," Pluto
outlined her proposal.

"Why should I care?" Zoicite sneered. "I'm perfectly happy
in hell with Kunzite. I'm not going to leave him so I can protect the earth.
It's none of my concern."

Pluto grinned. She had expected this. "Actually, Kunzite has been behaving
himself so well that he might get transferred to heaven. I hear there's lots of pretty girls there…"

Zoicite bolted to his feet. "What?! He'd be so tempted without me to
watch him! This is outrageous! You can't do this!"

Pluto pretended to study her nails disinterestedly. Then she remembered she
was wearing gloves so stopped. "It's out of my hands. Of course, if you
do this, then I might put in a word or two about keeping him in hell."

Zoicite slumped back to his chair in defeat. "Fine," he said resignedly.

"Good." Pluto nodded. "What about the rest of you?"

Tigers Eye hesitantly raised his hand "Ano…
I thought I wasn't dead… I mean, didn't Pegasus bring me back to life so
I could live in Elysion?"

"Nope, you died. Pegasus just lied about it so as not to confront Chibi-Usa
with the harsh realities of life and death," Pluto told him "Sorry,"
she added as an afterthought, sounding anything but.

"Oh." Tigers Eye wasn't sure what to do about this new information.
"Okay, I guess I'll sign up."

"What about me?" Siren raised her hand. "I thought I was going
to come back to life as Sailor Mermaid after Galaxia-sama returned all the
star seeds."

"True," Pluto conceded the point. "But she won't get round
to restoring your planet for at least a decade, so you're still dead until
then."

"Okay," Siren said brightly. "Then I'll be happy to help in
any way I can!"

"That just leaves you, Eudial," Pluto turned to the scientist.
"How about it?"

Eudial chuckled slightly. She highly doubted the abilities of this motley
band, but she was curious as to just how things would turn out. After all,
the worst that could happen would be dying again. "Sure, you can count
me in."

After agreeing to Pluto's proposal, the four would be superheroes were brought
out of the waiting room and taken to the check-in station. "King Enma
will return you to life in a little while," the last remaining Sailor
Senshi on Earth said.

This had the effect of earning the group a series of dirty looks from the
recently deceased, who were awaiting their place in the afterlife. "How
do they get to go back to life?" one old man wheezed.

"Yeah, I didn't want to die!" A young man who looked like he had
been through a grain thresher complained.

"Shut up, deaders!"
A large red ogre clubbed the pair with an enormous mace.

Eudial looked at the ogre. Something about this one was different from the
ones in hell. Then it struck her, the writing on his t-shirt was different.
"Excuse me." She got his attention. "But why does your shirt
say HFIL?"

"What, this?" The ogre looked down and
chuckled good-naturedly "I've just finished my shift in the North American
Children's Hell. They make us wear these. I think it stands for 'home for
infinite losers', or some such nonsense."

"There's a children's hell? How awful! I thought all children were innocent."
Sailor Aluminum Siren sounded genuinely appalled.

The ogre shrugged. "Lady, I don't make the rules." And with that,
he lumbered off.

The gang waited in line for what seemed to be an eternity. Eventually they
reached the massive desk that King Enma sat behind. "What do you have
for me, Pluto?" The enormous King of the Dead asked.

"I'm requesting that these four be returned to life. I've already filled
out all the requisite forms." She handed four sheaves of paper to Enma.

"Hmm…" King Enma scanned over the forms "Yes… it all seems
to be in order." He stamped his approval on each paper. As he did, the
halos above their heads disappeared.

"Thank you, Enma-sama." Sailor Pluto bowed to him before conjuring
a gate with her staff. "If you'll follow me."
She indicated her companions and stepped through.

"So where are we now?" Zoicite asked as the group appeared in a
spacious, but barely decorated living room.

"This is your new home. It's on the outskirts of Tokyo. Don't worry
if it seems spartan; you have effectively infinite money to spend on furnishing
it. Just don't go too nuts though. I will be watching you,"
Pluto said warningly.

"Watching us for what?" Zoicite sneered. "How are you going
to keep us in line? How are you even going to make sure we fight for--"
He raised his voice several octaves and struck a campy pose. "Love
and Justice?"

"Well, killing you is as simple as handing a form to King Enma. I have
you--" Pluto smiled evilly and made a grasping motion. "--by
the balls."

Zoicite swallowed nervously "I understand," he said meekly.

Pluto nodded. "Good. Now I will explain your mission. There is no big
threat to the Earth at the moment, but I suspect one will appear shortly.
Until it does, you should fight crime so you can get used to working with
one another. I'm sure Eudial…" She nodded towards the scientist. "…can easily fashion a police scanner."

Eudial drew herself up proudly "I could do that in my sleep!"

Tigers Eye meekly raised a hand. Pluto's earlier 'balls' comment had him
majorly intimidated. When she looked towards him, he spoke,
"I have a question. Why did you pick us four to defend the Earth?
Wasn't there anyone in heaven?"

Pluto had expected this question "Well, heaven is mostly filled with
normal people. All the people with special powers tended to be supervillains
and ended up in hell. As for why I picked you four specifically… Well, your
skills and abilities will directly complement each other." 'Of course,'
she thought inwardly, 'Your personalities are in direct opposition…'

"Wow! I'm so happy to be fighting to protect people again!" Aluminum
Siren gushed. "You can count on us, Sailor Pluto-san!"

"I hope so." Pluto conjured a gate. "And now I must go. Good
luck… Defenders of the Earth!" And with that,
she was gone.

The four looked around their bare living room, and then at each other. Slowly,
wide grins appeared on each of their faces. "SHOPPING
SPREE!!" they
yelled simultaneously.