March 9, 2006

I detest the media as much as any other red-blooded and patriotic American,
but occasionally, it's beneficial for me to pretend to trust them.
Unfortunately, I have discovered that even pretending to trust the media is
never justified. Like the old parable teaches, a scorpion is always a
scorpion, so don't put any of them on your back when you're swimming across
a river.

Last month, for example, after we placed second in two different JIB
categories (in Best Jewish Religion, behind Gil, the
cheater, and in Overall, behind Dry Bones, the
other cheater) I sent the following press release to the media:

Dear ACLU-Loving So-Called Journalist:

I am writing to you pinko pen-pushers today to let you how furious we normal
Americans are with your shamelessly biased reporting about religious Jews. I
mean, so what if a miniscule minority of 100 percent of the Jews living in
Lakewood has banned the Internet? That's no reason for you to put it all
over the TV and newspapers as if it was true! Tens of millions of Orthodox
Jews use the Internet every day for important tasks like reading blogs,
betting on football, and looking at pornography; yet you anti-Semite puppets
of the LIEberal Media insist on making it seem like we're all a bunch of
technological Luddites.

Well, now's your big chance to finally set the record straight.

Cross-Currents, a blog with a Christian-sounding name written by rabbis and
women, today took first place honors in the Second Annual Jewish and Israeli
Blog Awards. We won the gold as both the Best Group Blog and Best Designed,
while finishing second only to the Jerusalem Post's own Dry Bones cartoon in
the Best Overall category. [Note: They
cheated.]

Cross-Currents was founded by me, Rabbi Yaakov Benken, Director of Project
Genesis, and Rabbi Yitzchok Adlerberries, Director of Project NextStep. Here
are some quotes collected ramdomly from utter and complete strangers who
happen to write for us which explain why Cross-Currents is the most
important blog in the world, and quite possibly the galaxy.

In Rabbi Adlerberries's words, "For decades, Torah Jewry in America was at the
mercy of dishonest and unscrupulous editors like you who were at best
benignly tolerant of our community and our views. The world of the blog has
changed all that. Now we can ignore those atheist, hedonist reporters
completely except when we have a press release we want you to publish."

Writer Eytan Cobra notes, "the blog offers me the opportunity to communicate
directly with the readers, unfiltered by an often hostile and usually
uninformed media. And don't forget to spell my name right when you publish
this press release."

And Moby "the claw" Katz, another writer adds, "Don't even bother wasting your time
sending a letter to the liberal media. Those anti-Semites would rather make
a movie about gay cowboys then write an article about a blog with 10 writers
and 25 readers."

The ten contributing writers at Cross-Currents represent a broad diversity
of views, all of which by coincidence fall perfectly in line with the
Republican Party (aside from Shir-el Schmidtstein, a pinko like yourself, who is
kept around for the same reason that wise Mr. Hannity tolerates that nasty
Alan Crombs.) This wide diversity of strictly regimented opinion helps to
dismantle the stereotype, created by Jew-haters like you, that the Orthodox
are single-minded.

So next time you report on religion, how about you quit siding with the
terrorists and report some fair and balanced facts for a change? Let your
readers know that Cross Currents is a Republican, God-fearing and
media-hating blog they can really trust.

Sincerely Yours,

Rabbi "Rabbi" Yaakov Benken

Readers, when I sent this press release to the media I thought the fact that
we had won had a gold medal in the JIBs (a contest that attracted as many as
500 or maybe even 600 voters) was the perfect chance for the media to say
something nice about us for a change. Boy was I wrong. Six weeks have gone
by and still nothing.

March 8, 2006

Responding to my platonic friend Yitzchak Adlerstein’s post about that cowboy movie, some typical by-product of a clueless, mixed-race, public education sent me the following tasteless joke:

“What’s the big deal about this movie? I head three yungerleit from Telz were killed in the rush for tickets!”

Disgusting, and further proof that secular, Jewish, liberals are driving America down the tubes, despite the fact that Republicans have been in command of Congress for 12 years, and currently control all three branches of government.

Movies like Brokeback Mountain which degrade traditional cowboy values and glorify unconditional love make it very clear that we are a long way from the days when Hollywood could be counted on to make fine, moral movies like Bambi and Birth of a Nation.

Here’s the real reason movies those Hollywood Jews keep making movies like Brokeback Mountain: Money. Though the Torah totally and unconditionally supports laissez-faire capitalism, it makes me furious when I see anyone trying to make money from gay people when they could be beating them with sticks instead.

Make no mistake, this movie was made by Jews hoping to take money from the millions and millions and millions of gay people out there running around with the misguided belief that actually entitled to the pursuit of happiness. What baloney. And their foolishness is closely connected to the crazy feminist idea that we are all people, when it’s perfectly obvious from the Torah that women aren't people at all, but designed by God to serve as their husband’s footstools. (And yes, I am perfectly aware of the grotesque irony that if it weren't for all those ugly feminists whom I so ferociously savage, the only thing I'd be writing is grocery lists and minutes to PTA meetings.)

Aside from what I wrote above about how Jews only care about money, the other very best way to explain why those Hollywood Jews made that movie is this: it celebrates lust. Watch two men hug and kiss isn't much of a draw (outside of simcha hall, where its half the fun) -- but the film's message about following your heart despite all obstacles and difficulties is exactly what striving, Type A, Americans want to hear. On the other hand, “...a man may divorce his wife even if he found another more beautiful than she” is a message that is really, really popular. It’s even in the Mishna!! Oddly enough, in the movie, both ranch hands stay married, and live miserable, unhappy lives, but never mind. Facts have never slowed me down before.

By making the homosexual life seem so seductive, alluring and glamorous, via a movie starring two flannel-shirt wearing rubes who are both lonely and tormented, those Hollywood Jews made it exponentially more difficult for people with homosexual tendencies to remain chaste. Because, as proven by the trillions of people who have started shopping at Banana Republic since the movie was released, it’s completely impossible for a man to stay straight after he has seen two cowboys kiss.

Having caused so many gazillions of people to become gay, Hollywood Jews have a lot to answer for - Jews like Ang Lee, Annie Proulx, Larry McMurtry and Dianna Ossana,in particular. When the Jews of Hollywood aren't Jacuzzi-hopping from one free-love fundraiser to another they are plotting to destroy the moral fiber of America by slipping subversive ideas about love and friendship into movies that nobody watches. See how sneaky they are? They've even caused me, the most moral person in America, to think about gay people for the five whole minutes it took me to write this essay.

March 7, 2006

Much as I appreciate the great work my blog colleagues have done recently
defending Judaism against the grave and serious homosexual threat, not
enough is being done to protect us from an equally serious danger:
Scientists.

As you know, over the last 100 years science has been hopelessly corrupted
by a certain liberal fairy tale known as "evolution." This concept, hatched
by Charles Darwin, a pagan and a Democrat, has, with the passage of time,
been embraced as gospel by the liberal, intellectual establishment that
rules over our colleges and universities.

Little more than a deranged fantasy, "evolution" is not really science, but
perverted liberalism gone wild. It teaches that our grandparents were
monkeys, the very same monkeys who are so essential to our ongoing quest for
the perfect kiwi-raspberry-scented shampoo.

The great error of the scientists is that they seek to explain things that
Rabbis don’t understand. Such chutzpa! And it’s all the work of the Yetzer
Hara (or Satan as my very close Christian friends call him.) Via this
liberal “science” the Yetzer Hara subverts our respect for Torah and the
Sages by dazzling us with fancy theories and and the pro-evolution
statements of Rishonim and Achronim.

If America is to stop its moral decline we need to make sure that our public
schools offer a fair & balanced approach to explaining how God invented
white people in His image. The unconstitutional effort of renegade school
boards to introduce Intelligent Design into science classes is a perfect
example of the just erosion of the Church/State wall that is so desperately
needed. Only when the Church/State wall goes the way of the Berlin Wall will
America fulfill its destiny and become a truly wonderful place for Orthodox
Jewish families.

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