Five Statues That MUST BE REPLACED

In the interest of social justice, I’ve compiled a list of all the public statues that must be removed immediately for the benefit of American society. How can we possibly expect Americans to live under such trying conditions as seeing a historical monument on the drive to work? History is racist, sexist, misogynistic, and bigoted after all! It subjugates people to bad things. It is an abomination that cannot stand in the way of progress any longer! All historical monuments will eventually have to go – they’re reminders of our regressive past – but we must start immediately with the following:

1) Che Guevara – New York City, NY

In Central Park’s Doris C. Freedman Plaza, there stands a statue of Che Guevara, the Marxist Argentine-born tyrant. In Che’s defense, he was interested in destroying the wicked American capitalist influence in Latin America, and only personally ordered 14,000 executions in his attempt to do so.

His noble excursion to end the most prosperous economic system in history notwithstanding, Che’s statue in Central park must come down for another reason: He was a known racist. The following is from his personal diary:

“The black is indolent and a dreamer; spending his meager wage on frivolity or drink; the European has a tradition of work and saving, which has pursued him as far as this corner of America and drives him to advance himself, even independently of his own individual aspirations.”

What did Che mean by this? Was he suggesting that some cultures are better than others? That blacks were inferior to Europeans? Such intolerance cannot be supported in progressive America. The statue must come down at all costs.

2) Walt Disney – Orlando, FL

Many of you probably think that Walt Disney was simply an artist who created a famous cartoon, around which was built a family-friendly amusement park. Who hasn’t been to Disney World? But the truth is much more sinister. Walt Disney was a known anti-semite and racist. Abigail Disney, his grandniece described him thusly:

“Anti-Semite? Check. Misogynist? OF COURSE! Racist? C’mon he made a film (Jungle Book) about how you should stay ‘with your own kind’ at the height of the fight over segregation! As if the ‘King of the Jungle’ number wasn’t proof enough! How much more information do you need?”

Just look at this pose! Is that a Nazi salute? He’s openly praising Hitler! Imagine letting a man with such ideas influence the minds of our youth? We must #resist! Walt Disney’s statue has to come down. Heck, the whole park should be closed! This has been going on for long enough. The entire millennial generation grew up with Disney! No wonder racism, sexism, and bigotry are rampant these days! I’m calling on President Trump to order a travel ban to Orlando until this abomination is dealt with in kind. No more Disney!

3) Babe Ruth – Baltimore, MD.

This racist memoriam stands outside Oriole Park in Baltimore. Greatest baseball player in history? I think not! More like suppressor of minorities who played in the all-white MLB for his entire career! Such an implicit act of bigotry does not merit a statue.

Moreover, Ruth was known to use such racial slurs as “Wop” (without papers) for Italian-American, and “mick” for Irish-American. As an Italian-American, I’m personally offended that the Orioles would pay tribute to this man with a statue in his honor. In fact, the entire MLB is has undeniable racist overtones. It wasn’t desegregated until 1947! “America’s game?” I think not. Bigotry is not who are! I’m filing a motion to make football America’s new game. They’ve never discriminated against people of color.

4) Mother Teresa – Milwaukee, WI

This statue stands on the campus of Marquette University. Now, I know what you’re thinking – Mother Teresa is beatified – the first step towards sainthood! How could she possibly make the list? Well relax, misogynists. According to society’s great moral compass, VICE, “Mother Teresa Was Kind Of A Heartless Bitch.”

How did the scholars at VICE come to this conclusion, you ask? As it turns out, Mother Teresa, a Catholic nun and missionary born in 1910, didn’t believe in abortion! Can you believe that? She was obviously anti-women’s rights, and that’s just not something we can support in this country if we’re planning on reaching peak equality. I’m calling on the administrators at Marquette University to remove Mother Teresa’s statue immediately, and replace with it with a women’s rights ally. I’m thinking Lena Dunham or Amy Schumer!

5) Thomas Jefferson – Charlottesville, VA

I mentioned this on twitter last night, but it’s quite obvious that University of Virginia needs to, at the very least, do away with this Thomas Jefferson statue. Jefferson was a racist slave owner! In my eyes, though, statue is just the beginning. The entire university itself was founded by Jefferson! How, in 2017, can we allow young people to attend a university built on the premise of racial hatred? The UVA degree is tainted with racial overtones that cannot be tolerated. The students are being subconsciously poisoned by the slave-owning ways of its founder.

This research has left me literally shaking. I cannot believe that we’ve tolerated such testaments to the dark ages of America to exist for such a long time. This is Donald Trump’s America. I’m seriously considering moving to North Korea after seeing the type of people we idolize here. I hear that Kim Jong-Un is acting much more responsibly than we are, anyhow.

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