I Love Television

Damned by the Bell

If you're anything like me, your Labor Day schedule is planned to the micro-second. For example, here's mine:

Sleep until 1:30 p.m. At 2, lie in bed trying to remember the name of theperson sleeping next to me. Sneak out of bed at 3 and go to the liquor store; throw a tantrum because it's closed, head to the nearest open bar, and drink until 5 p.m. Eat two chicken-fried steaks: 6 p.m. Eat another chicken-fried steak... 6:30 p.m. Consider going home to see if that person's still in my bed—but decide it's too physically taxing and stop by another bar for drinks and chicken-fried steaks until 8 p.m. Throw another tantrum at 8:30 p.m because they don't serve chicken-fried steaks. Stumble home and peep in the bedroom window to make sure "that person" is gone, and hop on the couch to watch The Unauthorized Saved by the BellStory on Lifetime from 9 to 11 p.m—at which point I'll collapse, oversleep, and neglectto go to work on Tuesday.

But guys! Let's talk about this Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story movie—because it sounds TERRRRRIBLE in all the wrong (and possibly right) kind of ways. As you may have heard, it's the 25th anniversary of Saved by the Bell—why yes... you ARE really, really old—which means it's Lifetime's duty to ruin whatever nostalgic feelings you may have had for this classic kids' show.

Now, for those whose brain cells have been irrevocably mangled by years of booze and chicken-fried steaks, here's a quick Saved by the Bell recap: A gang of shitheel high-school kids engage in various forms of ethically challenged hijinks, as their ineffectual principal stands by and says, "Tut! Tut! Tut!" THE END.

However! Lifetime's The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story promises to go behind the show's squeaky-clean image to expose a cesspool of sex, drugs, and chicken-fried steaks. (Okay, maybe not chicken-fried steaks.) And, since it's based on Dustin "Screech" Diamond's gossipy memoir Behind the Bell, this flick is almost guaranteed to be THE WORST THING EVER—because (A) Diamond's book is both grotesque and probably fictitious, (B) the actors resemble their TV-show counterparts like a harp resembles a turnip, and (C) anything Lifetime touches automatically turns to donkey plop.

In other words? It's LABOR DAY! So sign me up, and... FRANÇOISE! (That was the name of the person in my bed.)

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27

9:00 CBS EXTANT

Sparks runs off with Molly’s alien baby… which is a bad thing… right?

10:00 FX THE BRIDGE

More dark secrets from Marco’s past are uncovered, and JEEZ! How many “dark secrets” can one guy have?

THURSDAY, AUGUST 28

10:00 IFC GARFUNKEL & OATES

The gals are trying to celebrate their 1,000th show, but a heckler has something to say about that.

10:30 FX YOU’RE THE WORST

By the way, if you’re not watching the best comedy of the summer… YOU’RE the worst!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 29

9:00 PBS AMERICAN MASTERS

A documentary about the Great Depression’s most iconic photographer, Dorothea Lange!

10:00 MAX THE KNICK

Dr. Thackery debates whether he should perform surgery on his ex-lover. That depends on how much he hates her, I guess!

SATURDAY, AUGUST 30

9:00 STARZ OUTLANDER

Claire’s medical prowess is suspected to be… SORCERY!! (17th-century people are sooooo dumb.)

SUNDAY, AUGUST 31

8:00 PBS SECRETS OF HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE

The history and secrets of England’s super-sneaky MI6!

10:00 SHO MASTERS OF SEX

Johnson tries to treat a patient alone, which is kind of a terrible idea.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 1

8:30 CBS CBS FALL PREVIEW

Wake up, grandma! Here’s a sneaky peek at the new fall shows for CBSzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2

8:00 ABC THE STORY OF FROZEN

A documentary about the making of that movie that your rotten kids won’t stop singing! MAKE THEM STOP!!

10:30 COM DRUNK HISTORY

A falling-down drunk retelling of stories revolving around our First Ladies!