Thursday, December 22, 2011

Dr. C's Christmas Uber-Wishlist

As promised, I'm back for a double-whammie this week. Here's just a small taste of my massive wishlist, so start buying -- you're running out of time!

The WilliamsWarn Personal Brewery(top left): Home beer brewing kits are typically shitty and amateurish. Some of the "best" companies out there try to sell you a pack of plastic jugs, plastic tubing that came out of a 1970's high school chemistry lab, and supplies that look like they were packaged in some old dude's basement. It's ridiculous, and disgusting -- home brewing isn't for a OCD-ish clean freak like me. Until now. I must own this. Watch the videos and try not to wet yourself, just try, I dare you. And what's great for all of my readers is that the WilliamsWarn starts at only $5,660 -- that's all! So I'm expecting like 8 of these to arrive in the mail; afterall, you guys want 'A's in my course, right?

Remote Controlled Helicopter (top right): Okay, brace yourselves for my most innovative teaching idea in years. I've always wanted one of these things, and now I can get it by having my department pay for it (insert a "fuck yea" right here). Basically, during my classes, the helicopter would fly around patrolling the room for students that aren't paying attention (texting, sleeping, updating Facebook, etc) and then dive bomb them. So if students don't want chunks of their hair clipped off or minor puncture wounds in their skull/face, they'll learn to get their shit together during lectures. But here's the kicker -- the student with the highest grade gets to fly it around! BAM! Fear training and reward learning all wrapped into one. This is going to get published in a teaching journal, I can feel it.

A baby (middle left): I'm not in the mood to get all down and depressed right now, I've been doing plenty of that on my spare time. Needless to say, my wife and I are still infertile, even after thousands of dollars of IUI treatments, surgery, and almost 2 years of precision fucking. A clinical trial for IVF may be next on our list (since we're going broke in the process) if we don't create a zygote in the next few months or so. So c'mon Santa, bring us a fuckin baby or else we're gonna hit up the mall and start stealing them.

The Periodic Table of Swearing (middle): I want several of these, one for the office, one for the lab, and a mobile version that I can wheel into every class I teach. Frankly, I may never need to speak again, since everything that already comes out of my mouth is nicely arranged on the table. A gift that does all my talking and communicating for me? Total win.

A Scotch distillery (middle right): Only a noob would ask for Scotch when you could ask for an ENTIRE DISTILLERY instead, amiright? And run by a small army of Oompa Loompas? Yes please. Just think of Willy Wonka's factory, but replace all the candy and chocolate with whisky and more whisky.

A tropical island (bottom left): It's time for either Bill Gates, Oprah, or Richard Branson to step-up and buy me this. I'm a little torn on what to do with the island though. I could use it as a place to escape to once every month, or I could use it to ship boat loads of idiots to once every month. Either option is quite compelling, no? Whudduya think?

A giant crossbow (bottom right): A rocket launcher would also work, but there's something attractive about the primal hunter aspect of a crossbow. I won't burden you with my exact plans for said device, or reveal any possible motive for legal purposes, but just understand that I need one. If you're imagining a post apocalyptic, Mad Max-ish scene where I'm flying down the highways, hanging out of my rugged dune buggy while wielding a crossbow painted in flames, then you've got a decent idea of where I'm going with this :-)

33 comments:

You can never go wrong with a crossbow. That's one of my rules to live by.

Well, it is now.

I'm out on the personal brewery site right now. You know, it would just take a little tweaking to turn that puppy into a distillery. Hmm... if I wasn't so worried about jail time, and ATF raids on my house, I'd be making my own corn whiskey by New Years.

Doc Cyn wants a baby? I had no idea. It just sounds so, oh I dunno, optimistic about the future and shiz. I think there's a twinkle in there, Doc! That's okay. I hope you get everything you want. And please invite me to the island. Unless you ship the idiots there. Then I'll just stay here in shitsville.

Hey, I live on a tropical island full of idiots! Trust me, I think Tom Hanks had the better deal. I'm sorry about the baby. I have a slightly used teenager that thinks he knows everything. I could send him to you. He comes with a learners permit and a bad case of teen angst. And I think they make Periodic table t-shirts. You could take it everywhere you go. We could probably afford to get you more than one!

Followed you back from the comment you left on my blog, and now I'm following your blog as well, because dude - you're funny.

That Periodic Table of Swearing might just be the best damned creation EVER. I need that. Badly.

On the infertility - I'm sorry. I really am. As one who battled a relatively mild fight with infertility, I later became a gestational surrogate to try to help other infertile couples build or expand their families. I delivered on baby boy in 2007 and then spent the next few years trying to help other couples. It never worked out (as documented in the years 2008 to early 2011 of my blog). Infertility is a fucking bitch, if you don't mind my saying so.

I just wanted to let you know that I understand what it means to be infertile, because not many people really do even if they think they do. xoxo

you're a little torn on what to do with the tropical island?!? See the "scotch distillery" above.

Okay, is this where I'm the asshole and ask if you have considered adopting? Forgive me if you've heard this a million fucking times. Still, aren't there a lot of beautiful babies in the U.S. (why am I assuming you're in the U.S....)who need wonderful parents? Forgive me if this sounds like something only a "fertile" retard would ask.

See...you have it all wrong..you need the helicopter to escape to the island after stealing the baby at crossbow point..there you will assemble your own distillery while using your crossbow for fishing..All will be great in the world. Oh, leave the periodic table of swearing behind.you don't want those to be the little ones first words.Sorry to hear you're still struggling with the baby situation...same here, been over 2 yrs and no glimpse of a baby in site. But I just know when I turn 41 next year and no longer want to get pregnant, it will happen immediately.

@ Nubian: Sweet! Maybe she could also light a few trees and houses on fire too? I'm thinking big here...

@ Just me: That's brilliant! And if I become "famous," I'll make sure to let the authorities know that I know you :-)

@ singlegirlie: Me wanting a baby... blows your mind, right? Basically I'm just looking for another soul to twist and turn immoral from the very beginning of life, so don't feel too bad for me. Happy holidays to you too!

@ Meg: Thanks for the offer, but I'll pass on the angst filled teen. But not on the tropical island -- make room for Dr. C cuz he's moving in with ya'll!

@ JW Moxie: Hey! Welcome to class -- you'll fit in nicely around here. Thanks for the kind words about the infertility shit, but don't feel too bad for me. I get to vent my anger out right here on the blog -- and hopefully even more once I get that crossbow!

@ Sarah: Hooray, you're back on the internets! Now start making some posts at your blog so I can live a less miserable life :-) And yes, it's nice when a doc prescribes "fucking." Just wish it would make a fuckin baby already.

@ karen: Haha, totally valid question -- and yes, we've contemplated it. We may be at that point where the decision to adopt or continue trying starts to weigh heavier on our hearts and minds. Anyway, Scotch distillery on tropical island idea: TOTAL WIN!!!

That's a fantastic list. Mount the crossbow on the helicopter and attack your students while referring to the periodic table of swearing and sipping from your home brew... Wow. What a day that would be...

I must say, I couldn't wait for the tropical Island. I just went ahead and built one in my mind. I go there during meditation sometimes. It is peopled by me and my three favorite women. Tessa, my ex, and my current mistress. They all get along. I'm DEAD serious!

Also serious here: That you create another person with the woman you love is the wish of my heart.

@ Antares: "Minicyn." Bahahaha! I love it -- it will officially be my kid's middle name.

@ J Bear Savo: You guys are so damn creative... weaving together funny stories comprised of all the gift ideas. A++

@ KLZ: Okay, I'm totally on board with that reasoning.

@ dbs: Haha, I'm sure you have brilliant children. If anything, I would most likely ruin mine.

@ Fred: Damn man, you're nearly choking me up with your seriousness at the end there. I'd give anything for a family member that was actually that nice and genuine. Speaking of, wanna be brothers?

@ Riot Kitty: Oh my, you don't know?! Precision fucking is marvelous... it's when you have sex like robots, entirely devoid of pleasure and emotion. Your questions is so good that I'm likely to turn this into a blog post all it's own very soon.... stay tuned!

@ Laoch of Chicago: Agreed! Overlords should do more swearing-by-button-press, and less anal probing. Assuming our overlords are creepy aliens of course.

@ Red: hell, I'll take one from your litter, sure thing! Also, I'm glad you see the finesse in the crossbow rather than a rocket launcher -- few people do.

I hope your Christmas list was fulfilled. I am sorry to read about the baby making issues. I was about to offer you one (or more) of my four kids (nice range in ages 15, 12, 9 and 2 and personalities)to test drive in the meantime, but I see that Meg already offered her slightly used teenager. I'm sure you already know this, but it seems that when we stop thinking about the thing we want so badly- when we turn our back on it (allowing for a brief moratorium on intensely focused wishing)that which we have be longing for so deeply finds its way to us. I'm talking about the crossbow here, not the baby:-)

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