I Refuse to Let Tim Cook Ruin My Internet…

Okay, so today is Thursday and the December wind is beginning to kick in. Christmas lights are finally starting to overwhelm the neighborhood and I couldn’t be happier. I’m an incredibly festive person so nothing gets the gears turning quite like thrift shop Christmas sweaters, ostensibly cold primetime football broadcasts, and peppermint-oriented Dunkin Donuts promotions. Hell, I may even indulge in a Gingerbread iced coffee later today. Does that make me gay? No, and neither does blowing a guy in a dimly lit alleyway behind an Arby’s back in college, which I swear never happened. Moving on…

Harry Potter Update: I’m halfway through the fourth installment of the Harry Potter film series—The Goblet of Fire—and shit’s starting to move. As I said yesterday’s blog, The Prisoner of Azkaban was heat but this one’s delivering from different angles. For starters, Ron’s starting to openly wheel Hermione and I want to slap the living shit out of him.

For those keeping score at home, I’m an elite talent evaluator. Back in high school, I was riding the Hermione train like a prostitute with a mortgage. Nowadays, the whole “Emma Watson’s an absolute flamethrower” narrative has been played out by every Axe Body spray-wearing, Fireball-drinking fuckboy this side of Jersey, but just remembered who showed up to the station platform first…

In other news, Apple CEO Tim Cook received some fake award from the Anti-Defamation League because, naturally, opposing anti-semitic/bigoted ideologies doesn’t mean shit until it garners a plaque. During his speech, he insisted quite clearly that he wasn’t a White supremacist—which, curiously enough, sounds exactly like something a White supremacist would say—before entering into some long-winded soliloquy urging fellow tech companies to employ “morality” when establishing their censorship policies.

Now, for all intents and purposes, I understand what he meant. Call me a snowflake, but I just don’t feel like terrorist organizations should be allowed to voice their sexual frustrations on social media. That said, the whole concept of installing censorship based on “morality” is a tad convoluted.

Morality is conceptually subjective; what some view as righteous isn’t always the case across the board. For example, I watch a deplorable amount of Vietnamese midget porn. Obviously, I don’t expect everyone to accept that at face value. In fact, I’m sure there’s an incredibly marginal portion of the population that may find that odd; however, I’ll be damned if those weirdos are prohibited from voicing such a sentiment.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that the Internet is perfect the way it is. Ever since the days of LimeWire and Kazaa, it’s remained indisputably “pure.” It’s basically the viral Wild West. If you want to illegally stream Vietnamese midget porn, that’s your prerogative. Once you start implementing morality into this type of stuff, we’ve lost our innocence. In other words, don’t interfere with my “related videos” tab…