CollegeHumor: Joseph Contributionshttp://www.collegehumor.com/user/65550
Funny Videos, Funny Pictures, Funny Links!/post/139041http://www.collegehumor.com/post/139041/how-to-make-a-wes-anderson-movie
Tue, 17 Oct 2006 04:34:36 -0400/post/139041http://www.collegehumor.com/post/139041/how-to-make-a-wes-anderson-movie
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p>1. Call the Wilson brothers, Bill Murray, and Anjelica Huston to see if they are available. Assume Jeff Goldblum has nothing better to do.</p>
<p>2. Come up with a situation in which someone was at one point in their life a star but has since fallen from grace and is now &quot;trying to find where he belongs&quot;.</p>
<p>3. Remake instrumental versions of classic 60&#039;s and 70&#039;s songs, make them 10 minutes long, play the whole thing.</p>
<p>4. Find each character one costume, do not change it.</p>
<p>5. Make sure somebody has a beard</p>
<p>6. Refrence things nobody will understand</p>
<p>7. Always remember, funny accents are&#133; funny.</p>
<p>8. Have lots of one liners, but make them subtle</p>
<p>9. Have Bill Murray and another character fight over a girl but give it a twist. For instance: the girl is pregnant, or she&#039;s one of them&#039;s sister.</p>
<p>10. Silly red hats? Yes, of course.</p>
<p>11. If there is any way you can include an out-of-context underwater shot, by all means, do it.</p>
<p>12. Put a random Indian man in your movie.</p>
<p>13. Finally, when making your movie, be sure to always use your American Express card.</p>nonadultcomedy
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/post/68284http://www.collegehumor.com/post/68284/college-pets
Mon, 13 Mar 2006 20:00:00 -0500/post/68284http://www.collegehumor.com/post/68284/college-pets
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p>Hello readers, I was going to write a long humorous introduction about how college students aren&#039;t responsible enough to own pets, but I ended up getting drunk and urinating in the stairwell of my dorm, thus proving my own point. Nonetheless some college students do own pets. I bet you&#039;re now wondering, &quot;Joe, what kinda of pets would a college student have? Could you please make a list?&quot; Of course I can, and I will make it witty.<br /><br /><b>Dog:</b> Dogs require constant attention and care, but they are cute and fun to pet. They are like your girlfriend except they are also loyal and smart. Puppies are fun because you can take them to the park and they practically get girls&#039; phone numbers for you, they are kinda like guitars except you have to feed them and you don&#039;t have to be a douche to take them out in public.<!-- readmore --><br /><br /><b>Goldfish:</b> Goldfish are kinda lame, that&#039;s why they cost like $.09 at Wal-Mart. If you own one of these don&#039;t flaunt it because you know your friend Ricky is gonna get drunk and swallow it like he&#039;s rushing a sorority.<br /><br /><img src=//www.collegehumor.com/news/patchesbeer.jpg width=200 height=300 align=left class=updatePhotoLeft /><b>Gerbil:</b> You might as well just name it Lemiwinks and shove it up your ass because that&#039;s what all your friends are gonna assume you got it for anyway.<br /><br /><b>Cats:</b> Unless you like having boxes of shit all around your house, don&#039;t get a cat. But since you&#039;re in acollege and your house is probably more or less a box of shit in the first place, you probably won&#039;t notice. Cats are good for one purpose, setting on fire&quot; I&#039;m lying. According to the movie Tom and Huck, cats get rid of warts. If you have warts you should collect as many cats as you can and give them names like Tinkerbell and Captain Litterbox, and give out unwrapped candy on Halloween. When kids accidentally hit their ball into your yard they&#039;ll be too scared to go get it, because the only real reason to have cats is to make sure everyone knows you&#039;re crazy.<br /><br /><b>Crocodile:</b> Crocodiles are actually quite good pets if you know their secret: much like JonBenet Ramsay, they can&#039;t open their mouth if you hold it closed. They are easy to take care of too. You just have to toss them a side of beef every couple of days and they pretty much take care of themselves, and anyone who walks through your backyard. Just don&#039;t flush them down the toilet because then they turn into urban legends.<br /><br /><b>Snake:</b> Snakes are cool because they eat mice and can kill you, if you let them. P.S. If you can talk to your snake, you are the heir to the throne of Slytherin and Harry Potter is going to kill you. Wow, now that everyone knows I&#039;m a looser, who&#039;s down for some Dungeons &amp; Dragons? <br /><br /><b>Rabbit:</b> These things are goddamn adorable. If you like hot chicks to be all over you, get a rabbit, maybe some celery, and girls will literally throw their vaginas at you. These things should come with caution stickers and a Surgeon Generals warning. Trust me, it works better than an Axe commercial.<br /><br /><b>Bird:</b> Like your little brother, birds talk back, however unlike a bird you can&#039;t feed your little brother to your cat when it gets annoying, unless you own a lion.<br /><br /><b>A stoner roommate:</b> What sets humans apart from animals is our ability to reason. Considering that your roommate asks you how to break up change for the pizza man I think we can bring him down a category.<br /></p>nonadultcomedy
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/post/68219http://www.collegehumor.com/post/68219/more-chuck-norris-facts-the-origins-of-the-hero
Mon, 16 Jan 2006 20:00:00 -0500/post/68219http://www.collegehumor.com/post/68219/more-chuck-norris-facts-the-origins-of-the-hero
Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500<p>It seems that in this day and age there is one name you cannot go anywhere without hearing. Chuck Norris. However with all the wisdom and legend surrounding the enigma that is Chuck Norris, few people know the real remarkable truth of his life. Thankfully I had a chance many years ago while traveling in the Tibetan wilderness to happen upon Chuck Norris and he regaled me with his insight and life story. I write it now for all to know. <br /><br />Chuck Norris was originally born in 1916 with the name Zander Washington in a small town in upstate South Dakota to a Baptist minister named Clarence. It was the only immaculate conception by a man ever recorded in the history of South Dakota. <br /><br />It was his father who taught him at a young that despite the fact that he was born with martial arts skills which far exceed those of any mere human, he should always be companionate to those who have no martial arts skills.<!-- readmore --><br /><br />However, Chuck Norris&#039; father was soon drafted into <span class="caps">WWI</span> where he was an air force ace pilot until he was shot down over the North Pole. At the age of two, young Chuck Norris single-handedly defeated the entire German Army in retaliation for his father&#039;s death.<br /><br /><blockquote>At the age of 9 Chuck Norris learned the ability to dodge bullets.<br /><br />At the age of 12 Chuck Norris learned the ability to locate drug runners anywhere within a 150 mile radius of himself.<br /><br />At the age of 15 Chuck Norris learned the ability of invisibility.<br /><br />At the age of 18 Chuck Norris attended a community college where he earned an associates degree in law enforcement.</blockquote><br /><br /><a href="//www.bustedtees.com/shirts/hero"><img src=//www.collegehumor.com/news/hero.jpg width=200 height=250 align=left class=updatePhotoLeft /></a>After Chuck Norris graduated from the community college (magna cum laude) Chuck Norris traveled the world to &quot;find himself&quot; and saw such exotic locales as Indonesia, Pakistan, and Detroit, where he met Tim Allen who taught him the finely tuned arts of the cocaine industry. <br /><br />Word of Chuck Norris&#039; unparalleled skills had traveled far and wide and champion fighters from all over the world were seeking him out to try and oust him. Among the many that fell before Chuck Norris were film stars Bruce Lee and Steve McQueen. Bruce Lee talked so much trash about almost beating Chuck Norris that Chuck Norris felt he must teach Bruce Lee a lesson and made his heart exploded with a really rough beard rub.<br /><br />By this time the Vietnam War had erupted in Southeast Asia and Chuck Norris was called upon to serve his country once again. The film &quot;Missing in Action&quot; was a documentary of how Chuck Norris won the Vietnam War. <br /><br />For his services in defending the foreign enemies of the United States of America, Chuck Norris was given the highest honor any man with a beard has ever received; he was made into an action figure. Not just any action figure, one with a bulging package and life-like karate movements. <br /><br />Chuck Norris was once again called upon to wage a one man war when President Bill Clinton declared that we would be starting a &quot;War on Drugs.&quot; As everyone knows any enemy of America is an enemy of Chuck Norris so Chuck Norris put on his best fighting jeans and combat headband and dove headfirst into a world of pot smugglers and poorly choreographed fight sequences.<br /><br />Once when Chuck Norris was fighting a feisty small arms dealer he got stabbed in the chest to reveal that his heart is made of pure 24 carat gold. He then sewed up his own gaping chest wound.<br /><br /><img src=//www.collegehumor.com/news/chuck.jpg width=200 height=300 align=right class=updatePhotoRight />Chuck Norris drank every drop of alcohol in the state of Okalahoma in order to save the children from the evils of temptation, and because he was thirsty.<br /><br />The hair on Chuck Norris&#039; chest is the smoothest and most prized fur on the planet. People have bid millions of dollars to be able to make a rug out of it when he dies, unfortunately Chuck Norris cannot die.<br /><br />One time when Chuck Norris was repelling from a helicopter to the top of a moving semi-truck he saw a kitten in the middle of the road about to be hit. Chuck Norris then picked up the truck and threw it into space where it collided with the <span class="caps">MIR</span> space station which fell into the Indian Ocean, because Chuck Norris loves kittens and hates Russians.<br /><br />These, among many others, are the accomplishments of the great Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is now just about 90 years old and still has all of his original internal organs. Chuck Norris once got cancer, but he cut it out with a pen knife and ate it with some Tabasco sauce. Chuck Norris thinks cancer tastes good.<br /><br />Chuck Norris will most likely be around forever and keep the United States of America safe from all harm, he will also protect Texas as well. He now resides in an undisclosed location and is only to be call upon in the most dire of emergencies, like international drug busts and global warming. <br /><br />Chuck Norris can make blind people see again and that&#039;s a fact!<br /><br /><br /><i>So, you think you&#039;re a Chuck Norris fan? <a href="//www.bustedtees.com/shirts/hero"><span class="caps">PROVE</span> IT!</a></i><br /></p>nonadultcomedy
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