Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

Forbes says the 400 richest Americans are now worth $2.35 Trillion. Which is amazing when you consider the 535 members of Congress now have a net worth of $17 Trillion in the red.

New Jersey has the wealthiest zip code in the nation. How rich are the rest of the people in the state if even the cast members of “Jersey Shore” are all millionaires?

The inventor of the world wide web is warning of the threat to the Internet from governments and corporations. Not to mention from the wives of all the men whom they have caught looking at porn, having girlfriends on Facebook or secretly joining dating sites.

Experts say walking is the “superfood” of fitness. Which makes the couch the McDonald’s drive thru.

A report says some hospitals are asking patients to pay up front for procedures. Especially for surgery on their arm or leg that could end up costing an arm and a leg.

A report says some hospitals are asking patients to pay up front for procedures. Which is different from HMOs which ask patients to put them in their will, figuring they will get the money just as fast that way.

The U.S. is set to become the world’s largest petroleum producer for the first time since 1991. If we move ahead of the Middle East in oil production, it’s just a matter of time before the military invades west Texas.

A study says that kids who take a lot of antibiotics before age two are more likely to become obese. Mostly when they don’t need the pills anymore and replace them by instead eating Jolly Ranchers all day.

Pope Francis I says that Satan seduces us by disguising evil as good. Apparently his proof is the new Hershey 666 chocolate bar.

Pope Francis I says that Satan seduces us by disguising evil as good. That’s almost as hard to believe as some sort of organization that promises members eternal salvation but instead just molests their children.

Wristbands will be used to track Florida students’ weight and activity. For one thing, they will know the students are overweight and not active when they can’t get the wristband on in the first place.

Phil Mickelson blasted Ryder Cup Captain Tom Watson after the Americans were soundly beaten by the European team. Apparently Mickelson feels the team never recovered from Watson’s appalling choice of serving a domestic wine with the lobster and filet mignon at the team’s pre-match dinners.

A Louisiana restaurant is offering a 10% discount to any customers who are carrying weapons. They are also offering a 20% discount to anyone who can show them how to figure out a 10% discount.

A Louisiana restaurant is offering a 10% discount to any customers who are carrying weapons. Which means there could be a total bloodbath the minute anyone inside the restaurant accidentally blows a duck call.

The Bulletin of the American Meteorological Society says that climate change is responsible for extreme weather events around the world in 2013. Scientists were amazed. Someone actually read the Bulletin of the AMS?

The Bulletin of the American Meteorological Society says that climate change is responsible for extreme weather events around the world in 2013. The worst part is that none of the events were forecast by the Bulletin back in 2012.

The U.S. says it will keep 10,000 troops in Afghanistan past this year. Apparently the military figures if we keep them there long enough, eventually the Afghanis will get tired of us being there and say we won.

A study says that women living through the recession may never have children. Mostly because the men living through the recession can’t even afford to take them out to dinner let alone think about even having a chance of getting them pregnant.

A study says that women living through the recession may never have children. Mostly because most women will see their childbearing years end way before this recession is even close to being over.

The UCLA Health System is making its doctors available to patients over their cellphones, computers and tablets. Which really comes in handy when someone wants to get in touch with their physician while they still have their cellphone in their hands after texting their car right into a tree.

The Secret Service arrested a man firing a gun near the Ethiopian Embassy. At least that’s where they caught him after he ran through the White House, the Capitol, the Supreme Court Building and FBI Headquarters.

A report says the Secret Service only was able to apprehend the man who scaled a fence and got into the White House after he ran down several hallways. In fact, the only way he was caught was because one of the agents finally figured out he wasn’t wearing a uniform and wasn’t part of the Girl Scout tour they were conducting.

The Secret Service was only able to apprehend a man who scaled a fence and made it into the White House, running down several hallways. Apparently with the Secret Service, the only secret is what service they actually provide.

Joanna Coles has been named the Editorial Director for Seventeen Magazine. Her response to the promotion was “Well, ya know, this is umm really like cool and ummm it’s like really awesome and stuff like that.”

Joanna Coles has been named the Editorial Director for Seventeen Magazine. People were surprised. What kind of editorials can you write about hair, acne and Justin Bieber?

Bill Gates once again is topping the Forbes list of the richest Americans. Following Gates is Warren Buffet and Larry Ellison. Everyone else in the country is pretty much tied for last.

The world’s longest flight arrived in Dallas from Australia after 15 1/2 hours in the air. Or as United calls a 15 1/2 hour flight, an early arrival from L.A. to San Francisco.

The FTC has ordered refunds from a company selling caffeinated underwear. Which is still better than the alternative of spilling scalding McDonald’s coffee onto your jockey shorts.

Microsoft is planning an early look at the next version of Windows. Just as soon as the presentation power point that is loaded onto a Windows 8 computer is able to boot up.

The International Energy Agency says that solar will be the largest provider of global power by 2050. Mostly because by then we will have run out of fossil fuels and the smog will let up to the point where we can actually see the sun once in awhile.

Macy’s holiday hiring will be up an estimated 3.6% this year. Which is even better news for those employees now that the holiday season runs ten months out of the year.

Macy’s holiday hiring will be up an estimated 3.6% this year. The only problem is that the extra help will be hired to stop shoplifting and break up customer brawls over sale items on Black Friday.

The legalized marijuana industry is staring to make political donations for its cause. Although so far all they have managed to raise is several million coupons for discounts at Domino’s, Pizza Hut and Papa John’s.

Ford says its C-Max recall could cost the company $500 Million. To which GM says they need to learn to be more efficient and save money by recalling all their faulty vehicles at the same time.

Flight disruptions are easing in Chicago following the sabotage of a nearby control center. In fact, United Airlines has already gotten back to being just three days behind schedule.

Big Tobacco is running ads pointing out the dangers of e-cigarettes. For one thing, it’s hard to inhale them with the one lung smokers have from their days of smoking real cigarettes.

A study says that after school fitness may improve classroom performance. They will have the results just as soon as they find a child who actually partakes in any fitness training after school.

A study says that after school fitness may improve classroom performance. If nothing else, it will allow the nerds who messed up the algebra test curve with their perfect score to be able to outrun the jocks who want to get even with them after class.

A study says the “Freshman 15” is overestimated, and that most students gain 3.5 pounds in college. Mostly because after paying for tuition and books they don’t have any money left over for food.

A study says the “Freshman 15” is overestimated, and that most students gain 3.5 pounds in college. It isn’t until after college when they can’t find a job and live in their parents’ basement playing video games and eating pizza all day that they start to pack on the pounds.

Doctors are recommending IUDs more often for birth control for teenage girls. Although girls’ dads found out long ago the best birth control is sitting on the front porch on date night holding a shotgun.

Doctors removed a nine pound hairball from the stomach of a teenage girl in Kyrgyzstan. Which just adds fuel to the recent theory that “Hello Kitty” is really a little girl.

Doctors removed a nine pound hairball from the stomach of a teenage girl in Kyrgyzstan. Apparently her parents noticed something was wrong when she wasn’t using her litter box as much as usual.

A study says that Vitamin D might ease the effects of age on memory. Especially for people who can’t remember the last time they actually wanted to drink an entire glass of whole milk.

Doctors say a blood test may predict a patient’s recovery time from surgery. For instance, things don’t look for a speedy recovery from anything when the test takes three hours because their blood has the consistency of tar.

Wal-Mart is blaming Tracy Morgan for the injuries he suffered when a Wal-Mart truck hit his limousine because he wasn’t wearing a seat belt. The store says the only way he could have put himself in more danger was to try to get to a cash register with a sale item at a Wal-Mart on Black Friday.

Wal-Mart is blaming Tracy Morgan for the injuries he suffered when a Wal-Mart truck hit his limousine because he wasn’t wearing a seat belt. Morgan’s legal team is just lucky that he didn’t hire Lindsay Lohan to drive the limo that night.

Jennifer Lopez and Leah Remini were in a car that was hit by a drunk driver. Fortunately both women were able to escape injury as the force of the impact was enough to deploy J Lo’s rear end.

Amanda Bynes was arrested once again for DUI. Even Lindsay Lohan is telling her to get a designated driver once in awhile.

Kris Jenner says her daughter Kendall was not bullied at a recent fashion show, saying the rumors are “150% not true.” The question is, what is 150% not true? Is it 100% a lie but then comes back for the other 50% to be factual?

Kris Jenner says her daughter Kendall was not bullied at a recent fashion show, saying the rumors are “150% not true.” If anyone is going to bully her, it is Kris Jenner or the Kardashian sisters.

The FCC is reportedly ready to loosen the NFL TV blackout rule. Which to most NFL fans means the number of beers they can drink while sitting in front of the TV watching football all day Sunday before they eventually black out.

The New York Yankees say there is “no guarantee” concerning Alex Rodriguez’ return to the team. Other than he will be guaranteed to anger the fans, media and other players.

Major League Baseball says that attendance has dropped for the second year in a row. Mostly because the only people who can go to the ballpark anymore are the ones without a job or family who can spend the eight hours it takes to watch a whole game.

Kansas City Chiefs fans set a Guinness world’s record for the loudest stadium. Which is ironic in that they set the record as soon as the stadium started offering half price on Guinness Ales.

Indianapolis Colts safety LaRon Landry was suspended for using PEDs. Who would have thought the league would ever be relieved to have someone suspended just for using steroids?

A new perfume is being based on a fragrance that was found in containers on a shipwreck from 1864. Apparently the cologne is said to have a faint trace of scurvy with just a hint of rum soaked mariner mixed in with a whiff of whale blubber.

A new perfume is being based on a fragrance that was found in containers on a shipwreck from 1864. Which is fine for anyone who wants to smell like they just came in from the poop deck.

A study says that online daters marry less and break up more often. Especially the ones who are already married whose wives catch them and make them break it off.

A study says that online daters marry less and break up more often. Mostly the ones who try to get away with using George Clooney’s photo for their profile picture.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! How about that Secret Service? It’s a good thing President Obama takes so many vacations and is never there for anyone to actually be able to get in and do him any harm. Apparently the reason the agents are always wearing sunglasses is because they are all blind. Even Congress is asking why they weren’t on the job when they were supposed to be. Although in all honesty I think they are doing a great job. At least with supplying material for jokes. One bit of advice for the President next time he goes out with a Secret Service detail. Bulletproof everything. Lots of jokes today. Don’t know what got into me. Maybe it’s just a result of all of you remembering to keep sending the love!