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22 months post D-Day and when I watched Part 1 of this series, I was relieved because my husband, who had been unfaithful, has never said "it's never enough for you". Guess what? A day or two later, he said it and I became ao angry I laughed in his face. I knew from watching Part 1 that he said it more out of his own shame and frustration, yet it still stung and took me a day or two to calm down about it.

When I say this to my unfaithful husband it is because I feel like if I would have been "enough" for him the affairs would not have happened. I have come to realize they generally it comes for a place of panic, uncertainty, and because until I discovered his affairs I truly thought he loved me to much to ever risk loosing me. So I constantly question how I can be enough now if I was not enough then.

As a betrayed, I believe I've only said this once or twice, but with a slightly different twist. When my spouse has continued to surreptitiously but *repeatedly* glanced and glanced and glanced at certain younger, attractive women while in my presence, all while knowing full well how hurt and enraged this has made me (post-discovery of porn use and an inappropriate relationship with a work colleague, spanning YEARS), I have made myself vulnerable and dared to share (while in one of several fights over this hurtful behavior but with ME not yelling) it this way - "When you do that, that makes me feel like I'M not enough for you." Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't feel THAT way of saying it is "bad" or unhealthy.

Unfortunately for me though, that kind of heart-felt vulnerable sharing was "never enough" either to stave off the enraged attacks, stonewalling, threats of divorce or separation, and verbal abuse that I received afterwards, every single time. What I also got was flat-out DENIAL and GAS-LIGHTING of what I had clearly and repeatedly witnessed with my own eyes. And projected blaming (of me), rife with accusations of me just wanting to pick a fight, when in reality, I had been desperately trying to resolve at least this one issue for good, so I could feel SAFER.

My spouse is SO far away from any sense of self-awareness it's not funny, and refuses to watch these vlogs of his own volition. Talk about things feeling HOPELESS, and having utterly shattered self-esteem. No matter what expert method I use to try and mend things, or to heal myself, "it's never enough."