Oh, I'm sorry, did I accidentally sleepwalk through a tesseract last night and wake up in a universe where scare pieces about "pre-funking" aren't older and hoarier than Father Time's mustache? NO? Then why have the newsies delivered this scandal to me in today's gazette!?

The horrors of "pre-funking" have been scandalizing biddies since I was in college, and that is a long time because I am one million (okay, I am a coelacanth). Pre-funking, to me, is akin to panic about "hookup culture"—it's not not happening, exactly, but it's also not not bullshit.

The terribly concerned folks who fret over so-called "hookup culture" usually a) believe…
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Look. Drinking until you die is bad. Self-destructive behavior is bad. Hazing is bad. Beer bongs filled with vodka are bad. But young people have been doing this for-fucking-ever, and, I'm sorry, but if one of your bogeymen is that students are using alcohol for the purposes of "becoming intoxicated and socializing with friends or facilitating contacts with potential sexual partners," then I'm going to have to give you an F+ in DUH SCHOOL. I don't want students to die or drive drunk and I want them to learn to manage alcohol and drugs responsibly, but I also think that a certain amount of reckless behavior and hungover Sundays is part of youth. I certainly don't regret mine, and we drank HELLA wine in the dorms before Toga or whatever.

This increased drinking was associated with a greater likelihood of blackouts, hangovers, absences from work or school or alcohol poisoning. Pre-drinkers were also found to engage more often in unintended drug use, unsafe sex, drunken driving or violent behavior.

The study found that while students who drank only at a bar or club stood an 18% chance of experiencing negative consequences, students who drank beforehand stood a 24% chance of seeing their evening end in mishap.

Study authors cited several motivations for pre-drinking, which practitioners also called "pre-gaming," "pre-loading" or "frontloading."

Um, also, if pre-drinking involves drinking, then I'm pretty sure "pre-drinking" is the same as "drinking." The correct term for "pre-drinking" would be "sitting around doing nothing."

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Or, alternatively, I actually like to refer to drinking as "post-napping." (This one is convenient because you can call drinking "pre-napping" too.)

Other popular names for pre-funking include:

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Pre-party
Pre-glug
Pre-jazz
Pre-fontaine
War on Chugs
Monsters, Drinc.
The Journey of Natty Cann
The Beerhunter
College

I'm sure I missed some! Leave yours in the comments so we can keep an eye out for this terrifying scourge.