Not bad for a fat girl

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When the full moon happens, you turn into a person who’s the opposite of who you normally are. Describe this new you.

Here it is, the full moon again. I both love and loathe this celestial ritual. I love that I transform into the slim, svelte, sleek, and gorgeous woman who the lunar cycle unleashes. I love that she is powerful and confident and has no trouble demanding, and getting, exactly what she wants. I love that she is strong, healthy, and fit. I love that she listens to her inner voice and makes her decisions based on her innermost desires. But there is a downside, too.

Although she has always been a part of me, this woman is still a stranger to me. We are opposites in every way imaginable. That’s why I despise her every bit as much as I admire her. She shuns my family and leaves on her own, following her whims without regard for anyone’s feelings. She is unreliable, but her confidence and overall competence generally make people forget her slights. Frankly, she doesn’t care if they do or not. She is so self-absorbed that it makes no difference what anyone thinks of her.

Still, she takes time and care with her appearance, and it pays off. People notice her, and she enjoys every minute of their attention. She thrives in the spotlight and hates to share it with anyone. She over-extends her credit cards to buy the newest shoes and clothes. Paying the bills isn’t her job, so why should she worry about it? She is a trend-setter, a crowd-pleaser, and a woman-about-town. She is exhausting, and I’m glad she doesn’t stay long, but in the end I cannot deny her, after all, she is me.

I don’t know about the term favorite, exactly, but I have made more than my share of mistakes. I try to learn from them, at least now I do. When I was younger I just tried to forget them. Sweeping them under the rug of my dusty conscience seemed like the easiest and most effective course of action at the time, so that’s what I did. No harm, no foul, right? Not really, but if nobody knows then nobody can tell.

I make it sound like that was decades ago, and most of it was, but old habits die hard, and hardwired patterns of behavior aren’t easy to change. I’m constantly struggling to evolve, but I find myself fighting my old destructive ways at nearly every turn. I sometimes feel so chained to my former failures that future successes seem out of reach. But that’s baloney and I know it. When I’m feeling that way, my intellect tells me to shrug it off and keep moving forward, but my reptile brain wants to curl up on the couch and let the world go by without me. Fortunately this doesn’t happen too often. Mistakes and all, I’m a pretty happy girl.

Now on to my “favorite” mistake. Or maybe the quotes should go around “mistake” instead. I guess the biggest thing that I did that maybe I shouldn’t have is push for marriage to a guy who really just didn’t want to marry me. Maybe he just didn’t want to marry anyone, I’m not sure. We were together for a long time, six years, and I was ready to move on to the next phase of our lives. I was ready for marriage, honeymoon, house in the suburbs, kids, dog, the works. He was not. I had a bachelor’s and master’s degree and was moving forward in my career. He was an enlisted guy in the military, with a couple of years of college to his name, but no credits to speak of. Too much partying.

We were different in a lot of ways, but we really liked each other. We loved each other. We could do it. We should do it. We did do it. We got married and he went back to school and we bought the house in the suburbs and we had the kid (one, just one, he said) but we never did get the dog. Things were fine. Really. Fine. And then they weren’t. We weren’t communicating and he told me I was crazy, except that it turned out that I wasn’t. He moved out, three weeks later we got the dog. She’s very loyal.

Would I do it all again? That’s an impossible question. Would it be right to do it again? Probably not, knowing what I know now, but I can’t imagine my life without my son, and without his father, well, you figure it out. So yes, that chapter of my life, and it was a decades long chapter, would qualify as my favorite mistake. Parts of it were really great, and parts of it were really awful. To this day there is still fallout from the whole thing, but overall we’re grown ups and we’ve moved past our hurts. Our son is what binds us and we keep that knowledge in the forefront of our current relationship always. All in all, I’m really happy with the dog.

I hear the nagging alarm at the usual time and hit the snooze button. Slowly it dawns on me that I don’t feel right. My head feels swollen and full and my body feels worn and ragged. I push myself to a sitting position and turn off the alarm, which is buzzing again. I remember now. I am in my clothes. I am fighting off sickness but I am losing the battle, even after a ten hour sleep. I shuffle to the bathroom to assess the damage. I hardly recognize myself. My only desire is to return to the warm nest I have recently vacated. This wish is impossible.

I wake my sleeping son with a croaking voice. He is puzzled. So am I. I turn on the computer, squinting at the blinding display. I fumble through a few different prompts and finally request a sub for my class. I am hopeful one will arrive. I immediately begin plans for the day. I write feverishly. Do I have a fever? I’m not sure, but I continue writing. Plans for the day complete I shuffle to my closet and dress. I do not look professional. I look horrible. Good.

I drop my son at his school and park at my own school. I choose my spot carefully. I walk into the office and apologize for not being superhuman. I am forgiven. My pallor, no doubt, is convincing. I make a set of copies and weave my way to my classroom. I shuffle a few things about and organize stacks of work for the day. Still, no sub has taken the job. The principal tells me another teacher will cover my class until a sub comes. If a sub comes. Should I feel guilty? I do not. I am sick.

I leave just as the bell rings. My strategic parking pays off. I back out without difficulty. I drive home. I survey my bed. At last. My wish comes true.