Sunday, November 25, 2012

Damn

Is it wrong that I think she's being incredibly stupid? Is it judgmental of me to think the way she's handling herself is pathetic?

Maybe. And yes. But fuck...

I can't imagine how much emotional turmoil and vulnerability she must be going through, but I'm even farther from understanding how she can deliberately make the decisions that set her so fucking far back.

Finally saying enough was enough, having the courage to leave security for uncertainty, and reconnecting with her family were fucking huge steps--I was seriously so proud and happy for her. But now I just feel sick with pity. Somebody just please justify to me how fucking around and getting pregnant at this time can be a good thing.I have nothing against her going after what or who makes her happy, but being worried as fuck, scared, unprepared, and refusing to take a morning after pill is just fucking dumb to me. And I'm disgusted that he's happy about all this. Just fucking sick to my stomach thinking about all these layers. It's not even my body, but I'm panicking for her.Everything she's telling me is just so irrational. How she's scared of the test coming out positive, that abortion's not an option, and that she's not ready but will be if she has to be. The fact that he's happy makes her worry less about the future. Like, what the fuck, woman? She openly acknowledged that she'll only ever truly love him, but here she is fucking with another dude and potentially carrying his child. Five years with one did not result in a potential pregnancy, but a few weeks with another did. I'm just fucking pissed at the way this shit is going down. She already refers to it as "the baby."It's dizzying.I'm seriously losing all empathy. I'm not even trying to understand what she's going through anymore. I feel like she's not thinking clearly, but I'm also not in the position to make her decisions for her body or her life. Her blood family is, not that they're against a child coming.She's scared of me hating her, and making this more difficult for her is the last thing I want. But I've spoken my mind, so there's not much left for me to say to her on the subject. I'm being judgmental and projecting her situation upon myself, then reacting to her how I would if it were me. But I'm still just so sick from this.My mind's just been fucking blown too many times lately.