Catfish Recap: “Don’t fall in the river”

I feel like I’m not alone by saying that the 100th episode of Catfish may have been the weirdest one yet. We’ve seen guys truly believe that they were dating Katy Perry, Justin with his creepy slow clap entrance (one of my all-time favorites), and, of course, “fat ass Kelly Price.” However, none of them stack up when it comes to being weird quite like Kim. I wish I could find a better term than simply saying “weird,” but that is literally the only way my dumb brain can describe what I witnessed on this week’s episode.

The episode began with Kim’s *friend*, Joe, reaching out to Nev and Max concerned about Kim’s online relationship with Matt. Nothing new or exciting here. We’ve seen plenty of episodes begin in this same exact way. Right?

Nev and Max make the drive up to Sacramento, soon to find out that they would meet the weirdest character the show has ever discovered. Kim revealed that she has had a troubled past — I’d venture to say 99% of people that find themselves on Catfish have. I’ll be honest, I couldn’t focus on anything they were discussing because Kim was making me a nervous wreck. She could not sit still. She would lean her head forward so her hair would cover her entire face. Looking like she was about to crawl out of the well, come out of the tv, and murder you.

Buckle up, folks. This is just the start of it.

Kim had been talking to Matt for five years without even knowing what he looked like. During that time, Matt revealed that he didn’t like, or want, kids. Turns out, Kim wasn’t completely honest with Matt about her, almost 2-year-old, daughter. I was up in the air on whether I felt bad for Kim, liked her, or disliked her. Until this happened. It seemed to me like she was ashamed of her daughter. She didn’t want Matt to stop talking to her because she had a kid, so she just completely ignored the fact that she had one while talking to him. I’m fortunate enough to have my wife to raise our kids together, but if I were a single parent and talking to someone who didn’t like kids, they’re canceled. I don’t care how much I like them, I would NEVER chose someone else over my kids.

(End rant. Back to the episode recap)

Remember Joe? Kim’s *friend* I told you about earlier. The one who reached out to Nev and Max. Well, when Kim introduced Nev and Max to her daughter, Norma, Joe randomly showed up at the house to pick up his daughter. Joe’s daughter…is Norma. Kim and Joe have a kid together!?

This 100% validates Joe’s concerns with Kim talking to someone she has never met for five years. He has every right to know what’s going on in this relationship, seeing that Matt could one day be his daughter’s stepdad. Just a wild turn of events.

Nev and Max finally tracked down Matt and they flew to Florida, with Kim, to meet him. Turns out, Matt was exactly who he said he was. The only reason he didn’t have any pictures of him posted was because he “didn’t like being on camera.”

KIM UPDATE: Still weird.

This picture had me rolling. It’s like she’s kneeling before some holy figure. Nope, just ole one-eyed Matt.

When you thought things were awkward enough, immediately after Kim confessed to Matt that she had a daughter, she asked him to be Norma’s Godfather. Normally I would say that this is an outrageous move, but after seeing Kim in action for the previous 50 minutes of the episode, it seemed pretty on brand for her.

The moment of meeting Matt apparently got too overwhelming for Kim, so she decided to go for a run.

I probably rewound that close to 100 times and laughed harder each time I watched it. “Don’t fall in the river” is an all-time Catfish line. This had to be the exact moment that Matt realized, this chick is bat shit crazy.

Eventually, Matt told Kim that he was not ready for a relationship with her, but he would still be Norma’s godfather.

Kim is now dating a guy that she had “friend-zoned” and is going to school to become a surgeon.

No chance in hell I let this girl, who could have an anxiety attack at any given moment, anywhere near me with a knife to cut me open. #nope#Catfish

Matt and Kim remain in touch after the episode ended. Kim and Norma are actually going to spend a couple of weeks with Matt in Florida soon. Tough break from Kim’s new boyfriend. Back to the friend-zone, pal.