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Friday, February 26, 2010

Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe: Tits and More Tits (PG- 13+)

So the other day while I was out and about I happened to find Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe for only 15 euros.

I'm actually a HUGE Mortal Kombat fan and have been playing the series ever since I had a Super Nintendo when I was little (that's a lie, actually I did play it on the 1st Gen Gameboy and in arcades).. I've pretty much rented every MK there was while growing up (my parents wouldn't let us buy it because they didn't like how violent it was) and have slowly grown disappointed with the series as the years went on. I honestly believe that MK3 was probably MK's high point.

Anyway I wasn't interested in MK vs DCU because I didn't like the cross over (still don't), it's as bad as Soul Calibur and the Star Wars mix (another topic for another time).. but for 15 euros I wasn't going to complain especially if it let me have MK on my xbox 360.

So the other day I popped it in my 360 and decided to check it out. First thing I did was head over to the arcade game mode and check out the character select screen. Kitana was there (my favorite MK character) and so was Sonya Blade but Mileena, Sindel and Jade were missing.. no doubt replaced by the crap that DC had to offer.

I decided to play through arcade mode, chose Kitana and selected only MK opponents. (I'm really not interested in the DC ones) I start working my way to the top of the ladder and come across Sonya Blade. I actually didn't mind Sonya too much.. her and Kitana were the 2 character's I used to play the most and my brothers came to loathe Sonya's upward bicycle kick ;).

Well it seems Sonya has changed since those years. She's apparently hit the gym and come across a good sum of money to "enhance" herself a bit. As soon as the fight started I was taken a back by her ripped abs and her watermelon breasts. Top those off with a very tight tiny white tee and you have Sonyela Anderson. While I was a bit disappointed to see an old favorite character make it onto my "slutty whore" list, I shrugged that off. I mean most players of Mortal Kombat ARE guys and I guess they got to get their jollies somewhere because lord knows as video game players they aren't getting it elsewhere.

But as I sat there losing repeatedly to Sonya (she was 3rd from the top of the ladder and I was getting tired) I actually started to find her huge titties (the language is just going to get worse from here on) insulting. I mean did I really have to lose over and over again to a woman who had tits bigger than her frickin' head? Honestly?
And as I started to beat her up I realized that her shirt was tearing more and more exposing even more of her ridiculously huge breasts... I was really INSULTED! Not only was this blonde bimbo kicking my ass but she was giving me a free show! Even worse was she was winning because she was being a repetitive (the most boring way to win) move whore. I was offended! This F-ing titty whore was kicking my ass by being a lame repetitive move B#$ch and then showing me her frickin tits! Was that supposed to be my consolation prize?!

My cursing must have been really amusing from across the house because my husband comes to see what I'm complaining about. I explained to him how insulted I was to be killed over and over by some stupid chic in a tiny frickin' white shirt with tits bigger than her head, whose shirt rips as you kill her and who only beats me because she keeps using the same move over and over non-stop. He failed to understand what was so insulting about her showing me her boobs and I unsuccessfully tried to explain it in a reverse situation: "Imagine if you're fighting some guy with a big penis. As you kill him his pants start cutting away till at the end when he wins he is standing there with a half exposed penis waving it around, wouldn't that insult you?" My husband replied "No, I'd be laughing".. so much for explaining it to a guy.

Anyway in the end I killed the whore and went on to finish arcade mode (I had lots of "quarters"). I decided to poke at some of the other females in the game after to see how bad they were in regards to "enhancements".. most were a bit large.. Kitana actually had what I'd consider normal/average sized breasts and no one beat Sonya's implants. There was however Catwoman..

Catwoman is DC's Sonya Blade in this game. Mind you they aren't nearly as huge but they are highly exposed. I guess she is supposed to be the DC jolly maker but I failed to see the appeal. As I looked at her the first thing that came out of my mouth was (complete with Austin Powers imitation) "That's a MAN baby!". I just didn't find her to look feminine at all. So much so that it inspired me to create this poster:

So that was my experience with MK vs DCU. It's an alright game, it has some subtleties I like but I certainly wouldn't have paid full price for it. I also learned that it is extremely insulting to be beaten by repetitive moves by a woman who's shirt covers less and less during a fight.

I wanted to a pic of Sonya's rip shirt but oddly enough I must have been the only one so obsessed with it because I could not find one anywhere! Pervy male video game players I'm disappointed in you! So I had to get it myself..
I did it in video format ;P so you can enjoy Sonya's disappearing shirt magic trick:

Wow... I'm actually reviewing this as a spectator review, and the Sonya thing didn't bother me that much. In fact, I didn't notice anything wrong until reading your review. I'm pretty used to fighting games being obsessed with "bouncy bouncy" (look at Taki from SC, for Pete's sake), and Sonia seemed significantly less bouncy than other fighting females. Oh well, to each her own, I guess.

If you take a look at the new Mortal Kombat you're gonna get much more insulted... I'm a guy and I find ridiculous the amount of female characters that have so much visible or almost visible intimate body parts

They aren't that big (Sonya's breasts) but they are a little bigger than I remember them from MK1-3 (which is about where I quit playing). And while they got shredded in the front, there's a good sized tear on her left side.

The game is bad at taking advantage of your forfeiture because the computer plays a fighting game like it plays chess. It looks at your moves and anticipates your next move. When you don't do anything, it's cautious (it's basically in safe mode). I would think on a higher difficulty (you didn't say what you put it on) it would actively seek to end you no matter what, but like chess, the computer can beat all but the best human opponents. Unlike chess, it does not have to wait for you to move, so it can probably beat even the best human opponents. The hardest difficulty represents a ton of restraint on the part of the AI. I remember telling my father (a programmer, who held a few degrees in engineering and computer science) how "advanced" the first Mortal Kombat was, and he pretty much shut me down, explained how simple it really is. As such, I don't like fighting games -- the computer can easily beat me while holding so much back. I don't like that. And other players use cheap tricks (such as Sub-Zero's freeze-attack-freeze-attack loop, pretty much every character has one). It's just not fun to me. It's who can tap the most perfect pattern. (Kind of like Rockband guitar/bass, I guess.)

About The Author

I'm just a girl who likes metal music, video games and lives in a foreign country.
Opinions expressed here are solely my own and do not express the views or opinions of my employer nor my affiliated associations.