Western Australian Mining Industry to Introduce Own Currency

Flint and the Bell Tower Times‘s network of sources have hooked up to get the to bottom of the Australian condition by any means necessary.

Western Australian FIFO workers are lobbying the Western Australian Government to introduce an exclusive currency that will be used by workers in the mining industry to purchase goods and services across Western Australia. 1 “FIFO Dollar” will buy 2 Australian dollars, making it a serious rival to the British Pound and the Euro.

We met with Franky (see picture), a Western Australian mining industry worker and the brains behind the proposed FIFO dollar. His outdoor setting is a wasteful shrine to the earn big spend big mentality of the modern day miner, he told us,

“yeh, nah, nah, nah, us FIFOs are sick of propping up the whole country ay, it’s about time we had our own currency, ay. We reckon places like brothels and Harvey Norman would gladly honour the new FIFO buck, given how much us FIFOs prop up their businesses ay”

Confused, we asked Franky to describe to us the benefit of the FIFO dollar. He took a moment to reflect on the question while rolling a cigarette filled with synthetic cannabis and cracking his fourth can of Jim Beam, he continues:

“see this name tattooed to me neck? It’s me youngest daughter’s name, Harmony. I’m doing this so me kids can grow up in a world where FIFOs are given the respect they are due, plus, given we prop up this fucking country, one FIFO dollar will equal about 2 Aussie bucks. With that buying power I could finally get me jet ski fixed and still have change to throttle a few hookers, mate”.

Admittedly, we were unconvinced by Franky’s majestic misunderstanding of economics, so we contacted our confidential source within the mining industry union for comment:

“Look, Barnett has his nose so far up Rhinehart’s superpit that he can barely feel the iron-ore rogering that Forrest is giving him. If he wants to keep the big dogs sweet, he’s going to have to force Perth business to accept the FIFO dollar. If the Australian Government has to bend over and lube up for the mining industry then so should softcock city dwellers, ay”.

Under Franky’s proposal the notes will be printed on high visibility paper which can be used to roll a cigarette with, in the event a FIFO worker runs out of rollies on his smoke-o. Additionally, the notes will not contain serial numbers, and thus will prove irresistible to local crystal methamphetamine dealers who have proudly serviced the miners when they fly back into Perth for well deserved rest and relaxation.

We can’t help to think that Franky’s proposal is a needlessly convoluted attempt at simply doubling his salary. However, in his defence, why should highly paid miners be forced to rack up crippling credit card debt? These miners prevented Australia from going into recession, so do you think they have time to educate themselves on effective financial responsibility? In the words of Franky, “nah, fuck that shit, ay”.

The Bell Tower times is run by collective of anonymous and shady Perth figures that have been reporting on ground zero of the Human Zoo we call Australia.