France To Ban Spiderman

FRANCE has pledged to ban Spiderman unless he reveals his secret identity, it emerged last night.

'To be honest, the all-in-one body suit is the least of my problems'

The web-ejaculating superhero has been warned he will be arrested if he is seen swinging through the streets of Paris while wearing his lycra facemask with the big, shiny eyes.

French MP Jean-Pierre Delafarge said: "His all-een-one, figure-ugging bodysuit wiz its built-een web-shooters and matching balaclava ees a challenge to our republic and a symbol of ze oppression of spiders."

But a source close to the superhero said: "We may not like it but Spiderman has to cover his face. It's part of his spidey-culture.

"It's a shame because if you just let him go about his spidey-business unmolested, then eventually he might say, 'you know what, being French is even better than being Spiderman' and he'll remove it of his own accord."

The source added: "And anyway, what fucking business is it of yours? If he's using his spidey-suit to smuggle drugs or bombs then fair dos. But he's not, so piss off. If they don't want Spiderman in France then they should just say so."

Prime minister Gordon Brown said there were no plans for a superhero facemask ban in the UK, adding: "Who is Spiderman? I honestly don't know, but I suspect he may be closer than you think…" before winking repeatedly and being led away by the Cabinet Secretary.

French MPs must now decide whether the legislation will also cover Batman, Robin and the Mexican swordsman Zorro, though some have called for an exemption as they do at least display their chins.