Anxious and Tired

I am going to ask Brent to take me to the football game with him Saturday. I am 99.9% sure he will say no, but I still have to ask. I have to keep asking because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know what other choice I have but to keep trying to get him to give me a chance. I wish I could go back to not caring, to not even thinking about him, but I don’t know how. That doesn’t seem possible. I hate my life so much right now and I can’t think of a single thing I can do to make it better. I have no control. I hate being alone. I don’t have any friends. I hate having all the nasty animals in my house. And I can’t change a single one of those problems.

People are quick to tell me how to “fix” my life. I need to get on match.com, I need to take a class, I need to go to church, I need to volunteer. First off, I don’t have another second in the day to do anything else. Secondly, how many crash and burn online dates must I endure before I can say that is not going to work for me and move on? I don’t know what else to do, that’s true, but the online method does not seem to work for me. Most of the time I hate who ever, but even when I decide no matter how terrible they seem, I will go out with them again, but the opportunity never comes.

When I think about football season starting and all the fall social events coming up, I don’t know how I will make it. Leading up to mother fucking christmas. Ugh.

Just Keep Swimming

I am a 47 year old adult child of an alcoholic. My childhood could have been a Lifetime movie. I am dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and severe depression as a result. I am working on gaining an understanding as to what this means and learning how to be okay with myself. Some days, just killing myself and being done with it seems like the most sensible option. On those days, I keep telling myself, "just keep breathing in and out, that's enough for today."