Trust Is a Two-Way Street

Ever wonder what it is that causes you to trust some people but not others?

As much as we’d like to have a sure-fire way to measure trustworthiness and an
equivalent standard we could use to gauge if and how much we should trust
others, there just isn’t a simple formula. Trust is something we feel more than
we think.

Some would say that trust must be earned. But that, too,
suggests there could be a formulaic approach. How many times and in what
specific ways must someone perform in order to be worthy of your trust? Since we
know that what we require is not the same with every individual, the notion of
being able to earn trust seems a little arbitrary.

Some would say that they trust because they read people well or have a certain
gut instinct. That hardly seems fair. What happens when someone who exhibits
trustworthy behavior doesn’t pass the gut check?

At the heart of trust is confidence. The very definition of trust ties the two
together. Trust is the “reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety,
etc., of a person or thing; confidence.” So I guess the real question ought to
be this; What causes us to have confidence in some people but not in others?

A nice long history of integrity, strength and ability would help. So when we’re
dealing with someone new, should we just wait for a few years before we trust
them? Let’s turn it around to see how it feels when we ask this another way.
Should new people that you meet and new people you work with wait a few years
and observe you over time before they place their trust in you?

Suddenly, the idea of earning trust and proving yourself trustworthy seems a bit
restrictive and unnecessary, doesn’t it? Because, of course, you can be trusted.
You take pride in your integrity, your reliability and your follow-through. You
work hard to never let others down. The idea that someone may not trust you
probably rankles you at least a little bit.

Other people feel exactly the same way. When you withhold your trust and expect
them to earn it by proving themselves over time, it feels insulting and
demeaning, even disrespectful. The response to not being given trust is to not
give trust. That’s the law of reciprocity at work, otherwise known as “what goes
around comes around.”

You know what happens next. Since they don’t trust you – YOU, of all people who
is supremely trustworthy! – then you respond by pulling back even more. You find
yourself saying things like “I don’t know about her. She seems sort of cagey…”
or “I can’t put my finger on it, I just don’t trust him.”

So we’re left with a dilemma. If they won’t trust you until you trust them, and
you won’t trust them until they’ve earned it… and their lack of trust somehow
validates your lack of trust… well, it’s not likely that a mutual trust is ever
going to form in this relationship.

On the other hand, there are relationships in your life that have formed quickly
and easily. The trust was there right from the start. You didn’t hold back.
There was no mandatory holding time. No one, not you and not the other party,
had to earn trust. It was just inherent in the relationship. How did that
happen? Was that the gut instinct at its finest?

Or maybe it was something else. Maybe it was as simple as this. You extended a
little bit of trust and it was reciprocated. You smiled and the smile was
returned. You disclosed a little bit of personal information, displaying trust
and vulnerability as you did. A little sharing was returned to you. Or you
allowed someone to help you, letting them know that you believed in their
ability and accepting what they had to offer. You opened up to trust and, by
doing so, you paved the way for a relationship (founded in trust) to grow.

Trust is a two-way street. You don’t trust until you’ve been trusted. There’s
give and take on both sides, a mutual exchange. And it has to begin somewhere,
so why not with you?

You may be thinking “yeah, but…” right about now. You’re right. There are people
who have already violated your trust. You’ve been burned. You are reluctant to
trust those individuals again. Be sure to check back next week when the CONNECT!
Blog post will directly address the “yeah buts.”

In the meantime, extend a little trust to someone who hasn’t broken your trust
and doesn’t deserve the holding time either. The cost to you of denying trust
without cause may be greater than you think.