REALLY, Universe? Wow.

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I need to vent. I had a CRAZY hard weekend, beyond simply my grief and hectic family life.Friday marked the first time in the every-other-weekend schedule I have for my oldest son (11) who lives over 100 miles away. This is a trip I have made nearly a hundred times, stopping at the same local coffee shop in the middle to interact with the same lady behind the counter (I forget her name, gosh darn it) each time. She has seen me fly straight to the bathroom in my later pregnancy and loved getting her two week update on seeing how Patrick had grown since he was 5 weeks old.

Our last day together, we spent on the hours-long journey to pick Tobin up from school. It was sunny, I was running early, (Trust me, that is a miracle. I just wish I could have traded it for another that day.) Patrick was in great spirits, singing to the trees (He literally would sing, “Laaaaaaa la lala laaaaaaaa!”, his tongue halfway out with each “L” sound, as loud as his little spirit allowed) eventually falling asleep to the pace of traffic.

I was so happy and hopeful to spend the night with all of my kids together- it’s when my heart has always felt the most full- that I even snapped a picture with my phone of the promising bright blue sky, the white fluffy clouds and the trees my kids call the “Dr. Seuss trees”.

I got to the school in time enough to use the bathroom and even nurse Patrick in the car for a while before school got out- the perfect reset before the drive home. I even took a picture on the way home of “us” (as safely I could) to send to Danny. I certainly never thought I would post it, but it’s the second to last picture Pat and I are technically in together.

My heart is in that carseat.

It seemed like the perfect day. I had no idea that when I nursed PatPat to sleep that night, it would be the last time our eyes would ever meet.

When the Friday to pick up Tobin rolled around again, it was like starting that tragic day all over, promising blue sky and all, the liar. There was a pit in my stomach that would not go away. Everyone in the family felt it.

There had been two weeks of us all waiting to hear the pitter patter of little knees coming down the hallway and the heart-sinking disappointment that comes with the realization that it’s never going to happen… but this was yet another first. I didn’t make the drive that day (Breaking down in hysterics while going 65mph is proooobably not so smart, I’m thinking.) and instead chose to try to turn it around and make it a memorial day filled with family love to help find balm for our whole family’s hearts.

Though the kids had attended school all week, I kept them home last Friday to take them to the park, give and receive the extra hugs we all needed. Maybe I was being selfish, but I wanted to hold what family I could and they wanted to hold me, too. (I don’t know if any of you have (familiarity with) 9 year old boys, but my son is a scorpio and not very physically affectionate, while very soft on the insides. When he grabs and holds my hand -which he has resumed since that day- I know he is hurting. Completely uncustomarily, I let him play his xbox while Annika went to the neighbor’s house to play with their daughter and I tried my best to make up a game face to go with a game plan for the day.

The day before, I had help move, re-move and vacuum a purple couch and loveseat I found on Craigslist for $75. Purple is Aiden’s favorite color right now and he’s a huge snuggler. The look on his face as he dove in was exactly what I had used all that energy for, but by Friday morning, I was sore and even more tired than usual.

I drew a bath to try and calm my aching muscles and the anxiety building in my stomach, something Patrick and have I enjoyed doing together his whole life. I may have taken a bath in my lorazepam haze, I don’t remember. There is a LOT that I have completely lost memory of over the last two weeks, which I why I stopped taking it, though my mind was still making its way out of the fog Friday morning. Either way, at that point, it was the first conscious bath I was about to take without him.

I sat, still dressed, with my mind starting to wander into Patrick-Land, when my eyes caught his Burt’s Bees shampoo bottle on the the side of the tub. When I see something of his, I’m like a moth to a flame. I know it will kill me inside, but I HAVE to go to it, breathe in what I can of him and let the memories and the tears flow freely. I’ve never been an addict, but with Patrick’s clothes, it was almost becoming an issue; where I would rather smell his clothes than do anything, but again- I have other children who need me and whom I love just as deeply, that need me.

After a little over a week allowing myself the bittersweet torture of smelling all of his dirty laundry, I had to put it away. I slowly began to fold it and put it into plastic bins, stacked in the living room along with bins of some of his other blankets and toys to bring myself out of deep, deep sadness and try and function again, somehow. (What are you supposed to do with your deceased baby’s favorite clothes and playthings? Not get rid of them right away, that’s for sure. I don’t know.)

Finding the shampoo bottle proved to hold the same intoxicating effect as his clothes. My hands were on it before I knew and I was rolling it in my fingers, remembering the one handed maneuver necessary to get it open and wash his hair. Instead, I unscrewed the top fully and drew in the sweet honeyed scent down into my toes, into my soul. It wasn’t the exact smell of the top of his head… it was lacking a certain Patrickness. But it was enough to send me right back to the exact last time I had smelled it.

Just this last week, I had nursed him in that bath, just because we hadn’t done it in awhile, just for the sensual pleasure of it. I crashed heart first into that memory and I sobbed as my mind switched between the beauty of the moment in the warm, lavender scented water, feeling the splash from his toes and the warmth of his skin on my own to the night that he died, when I held and rocked his warm, naked body as it cooled until it could no longer bend.

I cried harder than I have ever cried in my entire life, ever. All of the emotions I had been trying to hold onto came flooding out my eyes, nose, mouth and throat. Danny came in and tried to soothe me at first, then gave way to just holding me up as the tears continued to fall at an increasing rate. I was drooling, snot was dripping and tears fell in a steady stream as low, terrible, grievous wails escaped like steam from a kettle from the crater in my soul. I could barely move when I finally calmed down- I see why babies who “Cry It Out” sleep so well, though I am forever grateful Patrick never spent a night that way. Crying to the point of exhaustion is effective, but it’s terrible.

I washed my face, drained the bath and moved to the couch to try and reset with my herbal sprays and a good dose of oxytocin from pumping, instead. I decided to go with my emoitional floodgates and let my head, heart and milk flow freely to Patrick. (Well, as far as my boobs are concerned. *sigh*) I started to float away on the pain and grabbed his blanket, burying my face and breathing deeply. (Patrick was still nursing on demand when he passed away) I have used breastfeeding to help treat PPD and grief before… pumping to treat the loss of a breastfeeding child is much harder than simply breastfeeding one, but it does, eventually lead to that “love” hormone, where I feel connected to Patrick, soothing him, soothing me.

As I sat on the couch, cloudy, raw, heartbroken and reeling, a knock came to the door. I was halfway on the cloud and half in the real world. We weren’t expecting anyone, but there have been appointments I have forgotten in my aforementioned haze and we thought perhaps it was another nurse or something, coming to check in. It was my grandmother, who had seen my “I’m having a super hard time right now” post on my personal Facebook page and had come over with a bag of groceries and hugs. I was foggy but grateful- hugged her, assured her Danny was with me (thank you for all who have donated so that we can afford his time off of work) she was on her way out the door and I was just sitting down to resume pumping and crying, if needed, when there was another, much louder knock.

“Who is that?” she asked.

“Is Julie here?” I heard a strange woman’s voice say, rather forcibly. Danny told her yes, and that I was on the couch, pumping. Before I knew it there were two women and a police officer in my kitchen.

“We have an open case report here that you are feeding your children, Aiden and Annika, marijuana edibles. Your children are not in school, where are they? We aren’t leaving until we get a full interview.”

Um, what? My mind was already cloudy, spinning, reeling…. and now this? Obviously, she had me confused. I mumbled an explanation as to why they weren’t in school and sent Danny out to bring Annika back in. Aiden, of course, was in his room playing video games. Great… now I seem like a pothead mom, red eyed and bleary from crying my heart out… but she just saw the red eyes and went on with her assumptions.

Now, listen. We’re adults, here. Thinking adults, at that. Maybe even progressive ones. (HEY now…) I make no mystery of the fact that I am a Mom for Marijuana, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. (I would normally apologize to my grandmother here for knocking her socks off, but she was watching the whole damn thing, so I think she’s about as barefoot as it gets, as it were.) I have a Legalize album on my Facebook page. I’ve posted about the restoration of hemp in America and there is a button on my blog that I made especially for another angel boy, Cashy Hyde, who was able to fight his cancer, much like I have recently chosen to do with my grief, by ditching harsh pharmaceuticals in favor of powerful herbal healing.

Cashy’s message is that cannnabis cures cancer. My dad died from cancer two years ago, and in only 8 short months. I cannot stand silent with the truth that has the power to heal others in my hand, while someone that should have benefited from that truth is missing from my life from the lack of it. I can’t. I just can’t.

I was immediately honest and told her that yes, we smoke marijuana- but not around the kids, that there was some in the house (a jar in my room on my dresser, behind an always closed door) and that I’ve had my 215 card for years, allowing me legally to do so; but it doesn’t matter to someone in her shoes. There’s a twisted stigma when it comes to marijuana that some people have and this woman clearly believed all of it- that marijuana is a Schedule 1 drug, in the same category as heroin and LSD… which I may as well have been on, for all I was feeling and how she was treating me. (though I have never even tried either of the former, thankyouverymuch. So much for the gateway drug theory.)

But to say I give it to my children? Are YOU high?? Nevermind that I have no clue to what end a parent would EVER give marijuana (in the form of edibles- obviously in the form of medicine, it’s different) to a child- only that I have never, ever done it and would never, ever tell anyone else to, either. Annika has never had her hair cut and Aiden’s hair is really long, too. It would have solved everything to just drug test the kids, then and there or even at a scheduled time. Annika has never had a haircut, even- there are FOLLICLE tests to see if I’ve EVER given them marijuana- but that would be too easy.

They stayed for hours, one worker in with the kids, the other in front of me, asking question after question I can’t even remember. I was still coming out of my fog and completely overwhelmed. My anxiety began to take over as I tried to answer honestly and intelligently, but I know I mumbled and stared a lot. I was terrified. Despite possessing a medical marijuana card, there are plenty of cases where children are wrongfully taken from their parents for their healing choices -I’m not saying there aren’t bad parents out there, for you or anyone else to smoke marijuana, or that the use of cannabis in one way or another stands to classify a good or bad parents at all. However,I personally know a mother who has given birth with the father on the other side of prison walls because they grew ONE plant at home. Thank goodness I don’t grow.

I started shaking and put on a sweater as she looked me in the eye and said, “So tell me the truth about… (nodding toward memorial altar) what happened to Patrick.” I wanted to scream at her, punch her in the throat, rip her eyes out for insinuating that would have ever done a thing to harm my son. I thought about everything that happened that night and began to talk, trying for the umpteenth time to recall the horrible details without breaking down, without her somehow finding a way to twist my words.

I remember at one point telling her straight up that there was cat poop on the deck and I hadn’t cleaned it in two weeks. Sorry, lady. The cats took a back burner. They got fed, watered and time outside. They are fine, trust me. You’re here for the kids, remember?

I was remotely relieved at least the house was clean (because my friend Jen paid cleaners to come over the day before- thank you!) except for the stack of bins along the wall in the living room containing Patrick’s things and another stack of boxes and clean laundry others have washed to try and do what they can to help us at home. There’s tons of clean laundry to put away in my room now, too… while I am definitely glad to wear clean clothes, having laundry squared away isn’t exactly my forte- or even something I care about at all, these days. In fact, one of the very, very first things that I posted after Patrick died was encouragement for others to leave their laundry piles and hug their kids, too. I don’t just say this stuff, you know.

The kids room was amazingly clean, as well. Not a toy out of place, beds made, shoes lined up, floor vacuumed. Amazingly clean, I say, because let me keep right on my honesty train and say that that room gets messed UP sometimes, and not always cleaned up so nicely. I’m more of a

type of thinker, even though I am privy to getting extremely organized and redecorating when left alone for any length of time. It just may happen again.

So why all the emphasis on the clean house? That’s what they could find on me, even though my floors were probably the cleanest they’ve ever been. That, the cat poop on the deck and needing to have the jar of weed that was on my dresser locked somewhere, which is no big deal. I had to sign a “safety plan” that says my “home condition” is “pretty messy” and a “safety concern”. That I wouldn’t smoke around the kids (which I already never do, but she wrote down that they were “exposed”, since my jar wasn’t locked away, even while being in a separate room from the kids. I’m fairly sure THC doesn’t cross through glass and walls to intoxicate all in its presence, or she herself would have been high. I’m just sayin’. They are also “exposed” to jars of peppermint leaves and sage, which I use for teas, and I believe normalizes the appearance of loose green herbs being stored in jars. But I digress.). I think she HAD to write something to do with the kids otherwise it was all complete crap and not to do with them at all. I know there are houses messier than mine with less children, more space and not bearing the weight of a tremendous tragedy out there.

I just wanted them to go so I could mourn my baby in peace, even though I was signing things I TOTALLY didn’t agree with. Well, I agree with having things more organized- that I was already getting to, hence the bins and the moving furniture; but again- she didn’t see it. The government enforcement of house cleaning two weeks after my baby suddenly dies? That’s a miserable shame and a waste of taxpayer money. There is NOTHING of safety concern in my home, at all.

And then…. then came the clincher. As I began to write my name on the contract and she says, “Julie Johnson? Why are you using that name, when your name is Julie Savage?”

I almost hit the fucking roof.

Someone HERE, who has never conversed with me or my children and never been to my house before that doesn’t even know my real last name chose NOW to file a completely speculated report about my other two kids. Yes. I told them that. It didn’t matter. They had made their judgments and will return this Friday morning to see how I’ve improved the house. I think I have enough to worry about without a completely slanderous, false report on my hands, don’t you think? No?

Whoever you are, wherever you are: I assure you, my children are safe, loved and cared for and I have NO IDEA what would make you think otherwise- especially to the point of involving the police before involving ME in your concern. I’m still their mother, you know. Even on my bad days.

I will not have my parenting questioned. I will not be judged. I will not be bullied. I will not cave into fear and I will not ever stop doing what I think is right. I also don’t give my kids marijuana in any form, so you can fuck off with that nonsense. Life is too short to waste precious energy on, pandering to people that will never understand or evolve. I am not the jerk whisperer. I am a grieving mother who is trying her best to stay present for my children, for my grief, for the baby whose lack of presence makes the house unbearably quiet. Dear whoever you are, perhaps you missed that part.

I have until Friday to put away and find new spaces for everything. All of Patrick’s belongings, all of the clean laundry (there is an amazing amount, truly) all of the cards, packages and flowers and the new furniture in order to pass the Child Support Services investigation. Oh, and clean the cat poop. I swear to you, those are the only things of “safety concern” in my “messy house”.

I feel SO angry, SO judged, SO unheard by the worker. She has me pegged as a drug mom and was finding what she could to make her case, that much was strikingly apparent. I can’t believe on top of everything else, because of someone’s horrible fabrication, because I share my life and beliefs publicly, I now have a time limit on my time with Patrick’s things, have to have my priorities realigned into BULLSHIT by the government, by a stranger, nevermind the fact that going through his stuff, as I have mentioned, is the hardest thing for my grief right now. But I will do it. I will find a solution.

I have to make putting laundry away and maintaining the cat box of UTMOST importance, (Is this cat protective services, or child protective services? The cat box is outside, on the deck, where Danny’s work stuff is, in the no-go-zone for kids. But again, I digress.) Okay, cats need a clean place to crap, sure. I am not mistreating my kitties, I promise. If you’re worried, you can assure CPS is going to come CHECK that I clean my cat box Friday, so they’ll have a full report, I’m sure.

I am forced away from spending time with my children in order to go through Pat’s things, and focus laundry (also stacked and folded in bins in our room) so that I can keep them. This world, this system, the logic of whoever decided to fabricate a complete load of crap about me during my darkest hour…the fact that it was in front of my grandma, even; all of these things are seriously flawed and unfair… but still nothing in comparison to the loss my our sweet Pat Pat.

Pat with his great grandma, (my dad’s mom) who also goes by Pat.
I love them both deeply. (not the grandma who was present, FYI)

Will I make my house sparkling clean –beyond day-after-housekeeper-comes clean, as it was when they arrived? You’re damn right, I will.Those cats are going to crap on diamond dust, if that’s what it takes to keep my kids. I’m not about to lose the ones I have left.

To compound my heart’s worry, exasperation and sadness, my cousin Damian was hit, ran over and dragged 600ft. onto a freeway on ramp in L.A. Sunday while riding his bike with his wife. He is alive, lost a leg, skin, teeth and broken 20 bones, had four surgeries so far and is expected to have many, many more. The driver never stopped and police are still looking for the grey or tan Toyota Sienna & driver responsible. If you are in the L.A. area or have any information, please call the Alta Dena Police Department at (323) 259-2010.

His segment on the news is here:

I appreciate those of you who have lent your support- Danny and I read each and every comment, message and card sent our way. Without all of you (except Whoever You Are) I would not be able to meet this grief head on with such fortitude, and for that I thank you from the bottom of my broken heart. In my darkest points of soul piercing sadness, it helps strike a match to know that it is helping someone, somewhere for me to be living through this tragic and trying time; that there are children, babies and toddlers getting more compassion and less frustration out there because of it.

I’m exhausted.
I miss my baby.
This is is so, so hard…
One day, one moment, one breath at a time.

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Published by Julie

151 Comments

It’s a shame you don’t have a donate button! I’d most certainly donate
to this brilliant blog! I guess for now i’ll settle for bookmarking and
adding your RSS feed to my Google account. I look forward
to brand new updates and will share this blog with my Facebook group.
Talk soon!

I am so sorry you went through this. All I kept thinking as I read it was "Wow, I am so impressed that she is offering some sense of normalcy for her children". We have poop on the deck – heck occasionally in the house – and things that are unreachable but not behind a locked door. I really wish the police woman had looked at you with the deepest admiration and congratulated you for – somehow, and who knows how – focusing on what is actually important for your children now. Hugs.

Hi Julie… I am not sure what pulled me here this evening and I am not sure there any words to express all of the feelings I am experiencing in response to this… please just know you are deeply loved, I admire your courage, and you have a friend if you need one (among the many). Bless you as you continue your mothering journey..

Hi Julie… I am not sure what pulled me here this evening and I am not sure there any words to express all of the feelings I am experiencing in response to this… please just know you are deeply loved, I admire your courage, and you have a friend if you need one (among the many). Bless you as you continue your mothering journey..

I sort of read a little of the nastiness they say about you. They are ruthless! I found them googling to get to julies page on my mobile and couldn't believe what they were saying. I looked into other "stories" and it looks like yours is another favorite. Sick

I saw this blog linked to a post by one of my cousins. I lost a baby as well, but earlier, during labor. I'm also a foster parent and I've heard of quite a few similar experiences to what you've described–anonymous call and the case worker assigned to check it out finds whatever he/she can. I'm so sorry you were on te receiving end of that. It's bizarre. I'm with you all the way…..Love, a former Arcatian….

My friend just directed me here. I am so so sorry for your loss. For anything to take your time away from needing to be with PatPat's things is just horrendous, especially what you describe. Another friend has lost her baby to SIDS and she blogs here, in case anything is of any use to share: http://www.edspire.co.uk/

I have been balling my eyes out for you and your family every single time I see an update from you. I am so sorry. You don't deserve this. You are a good mom. No, you are a great mom. You have never done anything wrong. Nothing to even remotely deserve anything you are going through. I have been reading your blog since I found out I was pregnant. YOU helped ME breastfeed. YOU helped ME be the mother I want to be. My heart is constantly breaking for you. I wish I could help you. I literally pray for you. I have had to put my son's robot onsie away because every time I look at it I think of you. I am truly sorry you. Whoever did this is a terrible awful person. This is not right. And I am just so so sorry.

I am so sorry. Again there are no words to bring you comfort. It seems so typical, however, for people who spend so much time online to interfere with another person's life like this. I hope CPS goes away quickly. Sending you healing vibes and hoping you and your family find peace soon.

Miss Julie–So much love and support to you right now. As a fellow Wine Country neighbor, I want to whip up a plate of cookies and drop them off with you with a hug and a kiss. Please know that I wish you healing and strength, especially through these coming days and weeks. This nonsense with CPS is pure BS, and I hope that you have resolution very quickly. Have you considered contacting any of the Bay Area news stations about it? NBC3 does a lot of investigative reporting and would probably be very interested to hear your story.I wish you and your family the absolute best. Much love and comfort to you and you progress on this journey.

you live in the same area my sister does. your situation is almost word for word what happened to her. she had a baby die of sids, and CPS from that area made her life miserable for years. get a lawyer. those people don't think SIDS is real. they think it's an excuse to cover infant murder and will do anything they can to destroy your family. IMHO they made up that charge, your followers didn't say anything. get a lawyer, fast. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I am a stranger to you. I've read your blog a few times, I have a friend in California who loves it. I seem to lack time to read all the wonderful blogs out there. I was heartbroken for your loss. I made a point to come back and see how you are doing, as I can only imagine the tremendous weight you are bearing right now. I cannot believe, that in this day and age, I can be shocked by depravity anymore, but it comes to this. I'm so sorry some atrocious excuse of a human being hand-picked this moment in time to torture you. I hope there is some kind of criminal harassment charge and you can find out who this is and have them charged. There is no amount of punishment appropriate for picking on a mom, any mom, doing her best. Especially at a time like this. I'm so sorry. There are many people in the world grieving for you, your family and your precious Patrick. The scum of the Earth will hopefully reap what the sow. With love and hope- ANS

I wanted to also add, please don't throw any of Patrick's things away. You're still grieving, and you need time. Place the bins in storage or have someone keep them for you, but don't sort through his things just yet. Hang onto everything and only when you are ready, and not a moment sooner, go through his things. xo~Darlene~

I can not believe this unbelieveable crap that is being thrown at you. You do not deserve any of this. Stay strong and you will get through this. There are many of us mom's that are following you and supporting you through your grief, every step of the way. This additional garbage that you have to deal with is nonsense. Don't fret, they will find nothing and this too shall pass. And as to whoever started this ridiculous fabrication about you and "reported" it? They will get theirs, it's called karma. In the meantime, stay strong! Sending you much love and blessings! xo~Darlene~

Continued…I let that settle over night and my first thought upon waking this morning was to post to you as soon as I could. My husband may be completely wrong. I'm sure there are people out there that are just THAT mean. I've met a few internet trolls, for sure. But what if he is right? What if it was the trap of a surveillance program looking for a combination of words like drugs/marijuana, baby/children and dead/death? Who knows? If this is what happened, and a red flag went up in regards to your blog postings and some report was generated and a team was dispatched to harass you……well….that is a bit of a game changer. I definitely agree with some of the other comments that I spot read suggesting that you retain a lawyer. The fact that they had the wrong name on their paperwork is a huge thing. The fact that they had no warrant. Do not consent to these games. Get representation. Get impartial witnesses, neighbors to be there when they return. Make sure someone is videotaping the entire interaction. And see if there is any way to track where the initial report was generated from. Who made the complaint? You should have the right to know and a good lawyer should be able to track something like that down.My heart goes out to you. I send you prayers and vibes of strength and good will. Reflecting on this whole thing this morning it did occur to me that you nailed it right in your opening line – "REALLY, Universe? Wow." Yes, this could be the orchestrations of the Universe to use this situation to expose the corruption of the system. Whether it was an individual internet troll or the work of some nasty spy software, the fact that your family is in jeopardy due to an unfounded claim made against you for things that are NOT crimes…..that is an evil that is long overdue to be exposed. Bring that Mama Bear out and defend your littlest cubs, defend your Pat Pat, defend Aiden & Annika, defend yourself, your beliefs and your family. Let this not be all in vain and do not give in to their games without taking a stand. I can tell, you are a strong woman. You DO have this. And the Universe really is backing you and supporting you. And there are a lot of us out here that support you as well! My biggest blessings and prayers to you in this challenging time. May Truth & Justice prevail!

Scrolling through my Facebook feed I come across a post by Speak Liberty Now which states, "I promise that through the very sad, horrifying, and grief filled exposition there lies a very wretched issue presented with both The State and the people who support it toward the end. It is this behavior that ultimately brings about the rise of truly tyrannical states. The people who call "authorities" for everything and who will not consider actual conversation with neighbors, friends, others in their community as a way of seeking resolution. The boots, whether red or blue, are always worn by people who believe. – KL" This was followed by a link to your blog post with the words "REALLY, Universe? Wow." Intrigued I sat down to read this tale. New to the blog, I was a bit lost but by the end I had, in horror and outrage, pieced the whole thing together. I jumped up and ran to where my husband was working on his computer and sat down to read the whole thing to him, "Can you believe this outrage?!" He had that look on his face like he was thinking and he said, "You know….it might not have been a single person who anonymously turned her in…" I asked him to explain what he meant and the gist of it was that just like there is software algorithms that tag stuff and bring things up when you do a search for information, there are also surveillance programs with algorithms that track the use of certain words. The more words you have that match the criteria they are surveilling, the higher the chance you'll become their next target. What small comfort there may be in the thought that a fellow citizen/reader of your blog was NOT complicit in this injustice quickly fades in the light of the harsh reality of the evil of getting snared in the net of a simple algorithm. Whoa.

I am so sorry they did this to you, that's absolutely insane! Even crazier then a stranger makes judgments about a person they don't even fucking know!!! I recently went through a very similar experience with a friend and it was CRAZY!!

Oh, Julie. This broke my heart. If I lived near you I'd be there every day cleaning and organizing so that you could focus on you and your family. I'm so sorry. I pray for people to come out of the woodwork to help you if that's what you need.Vanessa

That is horrifying! I am a MJ Mom as well and am active in the MJ Mom community, and things like this scare the hell out of me. CPS needs some serious revisions. They go after the wrong parents! That's why so many die from abuse. They're more worried about drugs than whether or not the parents are actually GOOD parents.

ALSO- make sure you have a non-related witness with you when they return. Lawyer if possible. Verify your state laws- and video tape the interview if you can. If not, walk through with a video camera and a newspaper to verify the date of the interview.

I wish more people knew they didn't have to let social workers into their home unannounced- even if they come with the cops. Cops are there to protect the social worker from crazy people- that's it. Nobody can come into your home without your invitation- or a warrant. I wish you had known that, you could have told them it wasn't a good time, gotten the social worker's card, and called to make an appointment for a day they were more emotionally prepared. 😦

If I were near you I would be in that protest. My husband attacked me (10 wks pregnant) and i called the military police and they were more worried about dishes in the sink and dog hair than my situation. Thanks guys if someone tried to kill me ill just do the dishes and vacuum before I call. Least you threaten to take my unborn child away.

JulieI've not come across your blog until now. I don't know much about you but my heart feels like it was torn out and I cannot stop crying for the loss you have endured and the pain you feel. I cannot believe there are such cold hearted people in this world. You need and deserve time to heal before you put any of your precious baby's belonging away. No one has a right to tell you otherwise. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. I cannot even imagine what you feel. If any of us can call or write to anyone in regards to these fools, please post about it. I'm fuming mad here.

I live in Atlanta, but my husband works for Delta Arlines, so we can fly for free. I'm down for a protest or a group show of support! Give me one days notice and a meet up location & my kids and I will be on a plane. Julie, please consider getting an attorney and contacting the media. You are living every mother's worst nightmare. Don't let anybody bully you and add to it. I am so very sad for you and your sweet nursling. I keep telling myself that he knew more love, happiness and closeness in his short life than many people know in a long lifetime. I wake up at least 20 times a night in panic to check on my toddler. I hold my children a lot closer now and no longer take tomorrow for granted. Don't put Patpat's things up before you are ready. Go touch, hold and smell everything as long as you like.

We were foster parents for 2 years. At one point we had 2 little girls brought to us at 10 pm one night. They were taken away from their parents after repeated attempts to help the mother clean the house. The final straw was when the case worker came to visit for the 4th time and the 3 year old was playing with a maggot. The 20 month old had cigarette burns on her leg. Still these parents were giving 4 chances to clean up a truly filthy home!You really need to report your encounter with the regional supervisor. not the direct supervisor of the caseworker. This angers me beyond belief! I am so sorry for all you are going through but also for the failure of our system and one caseworker who seems to be angry and judgmental at the world!

First, I want to say how terribly sorry I am for your loss and for the anguish this unfair report is undoubtedly putting you through. I'd never heard of your blog before your lost your son, and since then I've honestly been avoiding it because I have pretty severe anxiety that's untreated, and baby loss is too much of a trigger for me. But then someone sent me this post because I, too, have been the victim of not one, but THREE calls to the authorities by psychotic trolls looking to make my life hell. They've called the police to tell them I'm "overdosing" (I don't do any drugs AT ALL, not even prescription stuff that I probably SHOULD be taking.) They've called the health department to tell them I'm spreading "Pertussis" in community hospitals (I'm a doula, and the health department determined I never even HAD Pertussis.) And they called to report me as "suicidal" because of my PPA/PPD, which the emergency responders immediately recognized was a false report. But I can't do a single thing about any of it. They make the calls anonymously which means there's no way to trace it. You can't prosecute someone you can't trace. And the worst part is that the police can keep on getting false reports, and they are required to keep on investigating. I'm actually looking into a way to get a restraining order against these types of investigations. These psycho trolls fixate on someone and they don't let up. I'm SO SO SORRY they fixated on you in your time of all-consuming grief. I honestly don't know if I'd survive that. I feel terrible for you and your family. You do NOT deserve this. I'm sure you're a wonderful person and a wonderful mother. I hope that sharing my story tells you you're not alone, and this isn't you. They just look for people to target, and you just happened to be in their path.

I could go on and on but wont . If dss had the nerve to even suggest (nevermind order) I remove the "shrine" dedicated to my spouse (who was killed fighting a fire and trying to save a life) I would kick them off of my property with a mouthfull so fast their heads would spin! There are attnys who do probono work in order to assist people in need.your tragedy has caused an insidious, debiliating reality which no one could possibly understand the depths of unless in your shoes. An at or advocate could assist u by putting dss in their place. If you have the strength have someone you trust locate and assist you (rides or whatever) to grief support meetings. Its not acceptable for you to be forced to move one single article from where u so choose of Patricks. Your property, your home your castle. Shame shame shame on all those involved with adding anymore hurt and discomfort to you and your familys plate. You will get thru this. Even in isolation- YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Some people are unbelievable. They should be ashamed of themselves for treating you that way. I know from personal experience the pain of losing a child. My son Thomas died of SIDs when he was 7 weeks old. A year later my heart is with him, my mind is filled with thoughts of him, and my body and soul ache for him. It's one of the worst things that could happen to a person. I too am taking it one day at a time. His older brother Daniel does keep me busy but I can't help but miss my perfect baby/the love of my life. Anyway I hope things work out for you and that you can grieve in peace.

I've had a knot in my stomach from the time I started reading. Like Me In A Nutshell, my husband and I have been victims of false reports and, while it was terrifying for us, I cannot imagine how much harder it is for you. I am disgusted by whatever kind of person would chose to do that to someone who has just had their entire universe collapse in on them. I truly hope karma will repay them.Many prayers and love to you from a stranger whose life your son Pat and this story have touched. I wish you peace and healing.

o they also refused to do the follicle test for me because it cost too much money and wouldnt accept a test done independently by anyother ppl but who they authorized and when they authorized it so i had to wait for them and by then they used the excuse tht i could have jus cleaned out by then. so i couldnt prove i never had it in my system in the first place 😦

Omg!!!!!! I know what your goin thru though. I was in a normal relationship with a man who never got in trouble and who doted on me and his newborn child. One night while i was at work he became overwhelmed and shook her while i was at work. luckiluy he stopped as soon as he saw what jhe was doin and got her to the hospital despite knowing hed get in trouble. my daughter has a small brain bleed that healed on its own and left her with no long term damage. he confessed to what he did and accepted his punishment and did what he needed to try and make up for it. anyway during that process CWS tried to make us say i knew hed hurt her and therefore was guilty too. well they didnt get tht bcuz we werent goin to admit to anything tht wasnt true. but despite all the evidence that i had no idea this would happen and this wasnt anymore than what it was, they took custody of my daughter from me. they did it all illegally too but i dont have the resources and money to take them to court. anyway they made false claims that i was using meth and everything. I was a certified nurses aid at the freaking hospital, theres no way i could get away with that!!! plus they asked if i would give a drug test and i agreed but they never had me do it and whenever i requested one they found an excuse. my 4 month old went to a foster family hours away from me and was force fed formula even though i pumped milk for them to take to her. she was forced to cio and sleep alone all of which she never even knew before then. i fought like hell to get her back and got her after a month which felt like a yr. the whole process caused me to lose my job bcuz i went into a nevous breakdown and couldnt handle 12 hr shifts every night and not having my baby. i had to move back in with my mom who is everything but gentle parenting and now im stuck here completely alone after it all. although i got her back and never got charged with anything and the case is now over. it still haunts me. if she ever gets hurt or anything they now have us on record and can harrass us. and i have ocd so even though i had it controlled, after the incedent it tore me apart and broke down all my years of hard work to control it. im still cleaniong up the mess they caused a year later. they used every lil thing against me too. i got in a few fights in high school because i would defend my self it was purely self defense and over 6 years ago and they used that to keep my daughter from me and a shitload of other rediculous crap. i had to jump thru hoops like a circus animal to prove i was a fit mom and get my child back. one of the workers even told me "ppl lose their jobs because of us sometimes, but its jus too bad, what can we do" so dumb!!! not to mention the original worker wrote a false report which is what got her taken away in the first place. i had to take parenting classes tp prove my mothering skills and the instructor even said she felt i was wrongly accused and i finished the class in half the time, faster than anyone because i already knew how to care for my child especially in a medical emergency. i wish i was rich so i could sue them, and the police who partially partook in the false reporting. anyway i could go on but this is your time right now. I couldnt imagine having to deal with it all that and having lost my baby forever. I wish i could do something for u. i can give u support tho. im sure u have plenty of ppl there for u but if u ever need advice on how to deal with CWS and get thru this part im always willing to give. hang in there mama and fight fight fight!

I am so sorry for your loss and what you are having to endure. I also lost my son, last summer. The judgment and the lack of understanding is truly mind-boggling. The MISS Foundation has been a lifesaver for me. It's a nonprofit that exists solely to provide support to parents who have lost children at any age from any cause. It's based in Phoenix, Arizona, but it's an international organization with many local chapters. It's a safe place where people understand what you're going through, will listen to you and let you cry, and walk this horrible road with you. Hugs.

I've never commented here, but my heart has gone out to you since the news flooded all over Facebook… especially when I realized the comparison: my son, the last child I will bear, is 14 months old as well. I can only begin to imagine your heartache. Parents are not meant to survive their children. It just isn't supposed to happen that way.And now THIS?! It is so horrid when people use CPS as a weapon and the thought of doing so at such a trying time… I sincerely hope they get what's coming to them.

I can not begin to imagine the hurt you are experiencing. Hopefully you can box his things and store with a friend or relative to go through them more thoroughly when you are ready. Some people are so heartless, I don't see how losing your children (or them losing their parents for that matter after the loss of a sibling) would benefit anyone. My heart goes out to you and I truly hope that everything turns out in your favor and I am sure that it will because there seems to be not a single thing amiss in your home… I am deeply sorry for your loss and the way you are being treated

Ive read your story about Pat-Pat and want to tell you that I think its pretty damn crappy of someone who doesn't know your situation, and has never been in your shoes to pass judgement.From one grieving mother to another, My oldest daughter has been gone almost 3 years and her stuff is sitting in every available closet because I cant go through her stuff yet. I'm not ready and don't know when I will be. Put Pat-Pat's stuff in a closet and worry about it another day , another year , another time. When YOU are ready. Take your time going through his stuff. Nobody can force you to go through his stuff and you shouldn't have to decide what you are going to keep or give away anytime soon. Take as much time as you need.

You should tell your story to a lawyer. I'm not entirely familiar with American law but if you'd offered a follicle test to prove your innocence then there's surely some law that the CPS worker was breaking by continuing the interview. She also forced you to sign a contract under duress, which is a felony.

I am beyond sorry that you are having to deal with this ridiculousness. Please know I think of you often. I am a new mom and have had a few brief moments of frustration. But your words echo in my soul reminding me to cherish every moment with my son. Sending you love.

There are no words that I can say that haven't already been said and are in my heart for your family,Blessings be with you my friendMay you never walk aloneAs this world is spinning ‘round, ‘roundMay your angels come and hold youBlessed Be to you and your loved ones.

This makes me sick to my stomach. I am really having trouble finding the right words to express my disgust, rage and sadness that someone would inflict more grief on you at your darkest moment. Karma's a bitch…do what feels right for you, and accept all the help and love you have in front of you.

My heart hurts for you. How I wish I lived closer so I could come and put your clothes away and organize and clean your cats box so you can spend time with your children and grieve and catch your breath. I'm just in shock that someone could "kick you while you're down" and at the lowest point of ever being down. Sending hugs…

It is so grossly appalling that some lowlife would call CPS on someone over a blog, let alone on a family that has suffered such a great loss. (And that's not going into how stupid it is to do so over marijuana – should every parent that keeps alcohol in a locked cabinet be reported too?!) I am so very sorry you all had to go through that. My husband and I had a false report made on us when our son was 3, and that *sucked*. Your mind goes into panic mode and you're scared shitless without having other stressors going on. I can't imagine how it is when in the depth of grief. My very deepest condolences to you all at this time. I hope CPS leaves you alone, and that the loser who called them in the first gets the big bite in the butt karma has in store for them.

Please keep your head up sweetheart. When i read this,& the part about the police,it just broke my heart. You are no doubt a wonderfull caring mother who is doing everything not to loose it & fucking go crazy(i deff would have) still care for your kids, im sorry but FUCK THE POLICE. Pot is harmless & any respectfull MJ user would NEVER give their young kids edibles or anything of that nature, how dare they! They should have Drug tested the kids if they were really that worried but since you are legally able to use it they want to take you down for something to no doubt make themselfs feel better. Of course shit is going to be crazy weeks after your baby died! Whoever has there shit together in a time like this is not human. Fuck your laundry and the cat shit, your a griving mother and i dont think anyone in the world has felt more pain than a mother loosing a child. Police need to stop getting so worked up over a harmless plant and pay attention to the the kids that come to school covered in bruises & go hungry every night. Things are so wrong in this world and i am so sorry for your loss, stay strong!

Dear Julie, As someone who has lost a beautiful baby girl at 10 months, I understand how hard your grief can be. I am so so sorry for such an horrible thing happening. I cannot imagine how that would compound your pain. I was in a complete dysfunctional fog for at least 6 months before I could even begin to keep a clean home after losing my daughter. I hope you get lots of support in this. I have contacted my cousin who is a social worker on how I might be able to help, maybe contact the agency and at least get an apology and new caseworker who will be more open. I know this must be so hard. I wanted to let you know (if you don't already) about Compassionate Friends. They are a parental bereavement group and are AWESOME! I don't know how I would have gotten through my grief without them. They are active in all 50 states and online. The support is tremendous and everybody knows what you are going through. I hope this helps your family as it did ours. Grief is hard, but it's good you are going through it rather than fighting it. http://www.facebook.com/TCFUSA?fref=ts

I know we all feel the same- we are sending you lots of love and strength!! I know one thing is for sure, many of us are probably thinking that we should do something about this! We can! Julie, please post the mailing address to the county Child Welfare Services agency in your area. We MUST mail them a letter of concern. The way that this social worker came at you and asked you questions is beyond OUTRAGEOUS!! She needs some training, professionalism, empathy and a HEART! What's wrong with people nowadays??? Ugh, I'm beyond furious and I'm SO sorry that you had to go through this Julie, so so sorry! Email me at CaringTherapist@gmail.com if you have any questions! I'm a licensed psychotherapist in California and I am appalled by this form of investigation and assessment! I want to help address this at this woman's supervisor/county level. I'm here to help if you want me to. Please email me if you want me to help you. Sending you love and light….

Keep Pat's bins. Clean the rest of your house if you must, but keep his stuff right where you need it to be. And file a complaint, can any of your friends do this for you? Can any local friends get a lawyer who will help you pro bono? I guess I am naive. I had no idea something like this could happen. Love you mama. don't let the monster who did this, or the govt get in the way of your grief. Grieve mama, and know that many hearts are with you.

I don't even think I believe in hell, but still sometimes I think "I hope there is a special place in hell for…" and this was one of those times. I'm so very sorry for all of your pain and suffering, especially this latest needless bit.

I feel like the air has been sucked out of my lungs. I can't even pretend to imagine how you feel. I just wanted you to know that you have love and light being sent to you from my tiny corner of the world. I am so so so very sorry you are having to deal with any of this. XOXO

Oh mama.strong mama and family.my heart goes out to all of you. this is the absolute last thing you need right now (I wish people would mind their own business) and I will mediate on a fast resolve for you. your beautiful boy Pat Pat is just 2 days younger than my daughter Scout. thank you for sharing yourself, your pain, your grief, and your strength with us readers. I send you nothing but peace and healing over these next days and months. And just know you are not alone. light and love,jessa and scout

I am sooo soooooo deeply sorry for your loss. I know that every mothers worst nightmare is losing their baby. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. Thank you for opening up and sharing your story with us. And as a mother who also understands and utilizes the medicinal properties of marijuana..I cannot believe that bullshit! How ridiculous that you have to deal with this during your time of grief. You're a great mom and I hope that you are able to move past this and grieve the loss of your sweet baby. My heart goes out to you.

I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I can't believe someone would call on you let alone how they treated you. That is terrible to do to a grieving mother. My home is messy on a good day and I can't imagine what it would look like being in your situation. I am so sorry you are being rushed to "hide away" your dear boys things, that you can't even have your time to grieve and deal with them in your own time. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

it is absolutely appalling that someone would do this to an already grieving family for no reason whatsoever. you seem to be a fabulous mom and i commend you for keeping this calm about it because iwouldflipmymotherfuckingshit. just know that for the one rotten apple, there are many, many people rallying behind you. we're all sending prayers, thoughts, juju, etc. that your family is able to have strength and keep patrick alive through memory. ❤

I live in Illinois where DCFS does stupid things like this. Keep kids with parents who then slap them to death, on and on. This is ridiculous and I feel for you. Cat poop? Come on! People, live and let live! I used marijuana when undergoing chemo in 1979-80. I actually walked around with a script in my pocket in case I was ever picked up. It was a blessing as I could eat and not puke! But I digress…I am so sorry someone chose to put their values over yours and slam you. YOu need time, peace and love now. I will continue to keep you, your family and PatPat in my heart. Sending light, healing and comfort to all of you…Peace

I must say they had to find a time that you were dealing with something most of us never will. It really sounds to me like they were looking for things to pick at and exploit. I for one hope my state starts a marijuana program, before I was a mother I didn't really think about it but now I have her to worry about. I for one think they should have dropped it when they didn't even know your real name, that is something they should have known before even knocking on your door. I hope they dont try to pull any more crap, you need time to deal with you own feelings and thoughts. There is a reason no one can find a word to describe a parent that has lost a child, because there is no word that can describe it. We have words for a child or a spouse but no words for a child, I hope you know that their are a lot of people from what it looks like that think this is complete bull shit that you are having to deal with this. I hope you kick ass and take names on Friday!

I am so sorry for all you have going on. If you feel up to it i would call that ladys supervisor and make a complaint if you feel up to it..Tell them she MADE you sign untrue documents (she wouldn't leave until you did) and that she was HARASSING you about having your recently passed child's things out and gifts and cards expressing grief from family and friends. This worker is STUPID and has obviously never lost ANYONE.I'm so so SO sorry mama ❤

This is so wrong! My heart breaks for you and your family! Maybe a close friend or family member can store the bins of your sweet baby's things until you are more emotionally prepared to part with them. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs to you all.

I don't even have the words for everything you are having to endure right now. My heart is broken for your loss and I am beyond outraged that someone would add this to your grief. Know that thoughts and prayers are with you from Washington.

I am horrified and so, so sorry that all of this has happened to you. This is unacceptable. Sending love and healing energy to you and your family. I wish there was something I could do. Lighting a candle for you. I can't even express how this made me feel….

Is there anyway that we could send this blog to anyone in CPS or some other organization, the media to show them what Julie is going through. I'm living here in Ireland and I'm so angry right now. If I could I would be on a plane and be there protesting outside your house on Friday. If there is anything that you need me to do, just let me know.

From this point forward – you hire someone to speak to them on your behalf. Hire, ask a friend, get a lawyer… someone else other than you and your family. You tell them to fend CPS off like dogs and not to let them on your property or in your head at all.You go grieve your boy. Take your time. Smell everything. Fuck.This.Shit.

i couldnt begin to really express how pissed i am i swear i would gather enough moms and post up infront of julies house on friday i would have a few things to tell them p.o.s. social workers why dont they gofind parents or step parents or foster parents who are abusing their kids… kids who really do have problems at home….! they would have to go through a sea of angry mothers to even get to the frobt door the miserable fucks! and to ask a question like that about pat pat honey you are a better petson thrn me i would have ripped the skin off her body the mindless twat….stay strong babes and if you needs as someone said above you have an ARMY OF MOMS ready….. now to the silly little fuck who did this to you may you burn for aslong as you live you P.O.S!

Sitting in my tears, I just want to hug you so much, and we have never even met. You are an amazing mom, and I'm so sorry for your families tremendous loss. I can't believe that anyone would make such wild accusations about someone they clearly don't know, and that the cps workers can't use their eyes and brains. You do what you need to while you are grieving, you should be allowed no less. I'm so sorry!! HUG.

Just had the thought that maybe you could get a temporary storage shed….if you aren't ready to go through the things, you shouldn't have to, maybe that ould buy you some time. My house is an.absolute train wreck with one kid and our litter box is in the downstairs bathroom and i swear no matter how many times i scoop, its still full and litter all over the floor! I also wanted to say that you have helped me focus more on what's important and it is def not a clean house. Keep your head high momma, you have done nothing wrong.

I am so sorry for your pain and also almost sorry for someone who is miserable enough as a human being that they would relish causing pain to someone who couldn't possibly feel more. My heart truly goes out to you. Please know that most of the world is good, but the bad unfortunately manage to be louder. Please take care of yourself and your family, however you need to. My thoughts are with you.

While I can't even imagine what you're going through, I'd like you to know that my heart goes out to you and your family. CPS sees the worst of the worst and sometimes they just can't possibly understand that good parents do exist. It's unfortunate that some people are so unhappy in their own lives that they need to pass their misery onto somebody else who is already going through something no parent should ever be forced to endure. On a separate note, my husband was in a car accident in May 2012. He lost his leg, broke his other leg, fractured ribs, fractured spine, and crushed his jaw. He was up and walking with a prosthetic by the end of August. If your cousin or his wife would like to talk about anything or just vent to somebody who completely understands what they're going through, please let them know that we're in the area (about a half an hour away from Altadena). I know I'm a stranger, but I also know how scary it is to not know what the process is like moving forward and to not know how you'll ever get through it. Plus, the internet is full of misguided information that makes it even scarier. We would be happy to drive out, if at some point your cousin would like to talk to somebody about the aftermath. My husband is and has gone through a lot of PTSD, fantom limb pain, learning how to walk, run, ride a bike, work out, interact with old friends, etc. and can show him that life does in fact move on. Please give them my email address (natasha.robbins13@gmail.com)or look me up on facebook so I can give you my cell number as well. I know he's going through everything physically, but it's no cake walk being the wife either so please let his wife know that I'm here if she needs understanding support.

I'm sending you the biggest internet hugs imagineable!! I'm so angry I'm literally shaking that someone would dare to do this to your family so soon after losing your baby. I hope the piece of shit is reading your blog AND the comments and realizes that Karma is a bitch and they will get paid back one day!

I've never been to your blog before today, but I was steered here by a friend. I am sick at the thought that someone would compound your grief and stress by making a report to CPS. What a hideous soul.I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

I know I'm not a reader of yours, but my heart goes out to you. This situation was completely uncalled for. It's really sad the degree at which CPS can be called for all sorts of ridiculous claims. We've had a couple calls on our family, all of which have been turned over, for reasons I just can't understand, but this is above and beyond. A grieving mother doesn't need the stress, or the accusations that have been put on you. I feel for you, and I wish there was more I could do for your situation.You seem to be an amazing, wonderful mother, even though I'm sure it's hard to see that right now. From what you say, I can imagine it's hard to see anything beyond the pain and sadness right now. I will be wishing you all the best, and that you get through this frustrating situation as best you possibly can.I know this doesn't help, but whoever did this was obviously in a very bitter, sad place in their own life to have done something like this. I can't imagine the kind of internal pain that would drive a person to do something so hateful. This kind of person really shouldn't have the right to interfere in a life like yours. I wish there was something more to be done about it.At the same time, thank you for sharing your story. I know it must be hard, but sharing your experiences and your grief will hopefully help other mothers down the road. Your words might give another mother the strength to fight through her own grief and loss. I know it doesn't help right now to know you'll have the ability to help others, but that in itself is a beautiful, wonderful thing.I just wish there were more I could do to help. I wish I lived close enough to go help you clean, even though I don't know you. I wish I could at least bring you dinner some night so it would be one less thing to worry about. I would gladly take on that cat box for you so it would be held to the standards you're expected to keep to, then you could take the time to heal and experience the emotions you need to feel in order to get through this trying time. That's what this mystery reporter should have done. If they had a problem with the way you lived your life, or if they'd thought your suffering warranted some outside involvement, they should have at least had the guts to go to you personally and offer to help. It's just the right thing to do.

First of all, I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. I find myself thinking of you and your family every day. I continue to admire your strength, and your willingness to be so open about your grief. I wish I could give you the biggest hugs. Seriously.I am also APPALLED with the government workers, and their treatment of you and your family. Also with "Whoever You Are". It's just not right to storm in and capitalize during some of your darkest moments. There is so much that I feel like I want to say, but there are no words to do my thoughts justice, nor any that could really help, other than I don't know you, but I love you (weird, right?!), and wish you nothing but the best. Like others have said, it's hard, but it WILL get easier… only because the edges of pain will get a bit duller (and you're right, you don't have to medicate to get there!). Much love!

Holy shit. I just can't believe some people. I am so very deeply sorry that this terrible event happened to you in the midst of your deepest pain. Terrible. Please don't get rid of his things until you are ready– have a friend keep the boxes for a few days or whatever. Tending to your grief is so important. Know that I am sending lots of love your way. hugs, mama. Good thoughts to your cousin, too.

holy shit! I feel for you & your family! With every breath you move closer to a brighter moment! Thank you for sharing your struggle! People need to know that cps is not always right, people need to know that marijuana is not the evil some people makes it out to be, & people need to know that the they are not the only one who ever lost a child. Every breath we take, brings us closer to a brighter day! <3Rhie

Visit http://www.fightcps.com and learn your rights before Friday. They are a ridiculous organization out to steal children so they can make money. I wish I had and you had read the site before they visited. We feel we have nothing to hide so we invite them into our home where they legally turn our words into lies and kidnap our children. I spent every cent my husband and I had saved for a house to prove our innocence with cps. We won but are broke 3 years later still trying to catch up but we have our baby and 2 more now. I am so sorry for your loss and I wish I had the words. We lost my stepson last year in a car accident. I just could not keep quiet because I know they are not going to leave you alone ever. Please go to the website and get a lawyer quick. Sad I have to advise you to do that but they are horrible. I am a loving mom who knows all too well the harassment and lies they will tell. Again my condolences and I am sorry you are having to deal with this now

If and when you can find the strength go *HARD* to find out who reported you. I'm pretty sure the Feminist Breeder had a similar situation. If they are out of state that makes it hard but not impossible to find them and have the catch hell. I'm so sorry they did this to you and your kids. There is a special place in hell for people who do things like this.

Oh Julie, there's nothing I can say to fix this horrible time, I can only hope things will get better! I really admire you and your family and your strenght, and the past 2 weeks I have left the washing aside, and hugged my 2 boys more than ever, and every day I think of your sweet PatPat and realise how blessed I am. I hope one day you and your sweet little angel will meet again… Love and hugs from Belgium!

Visit http://www.fightcps.com and learn your rights before Friday. They are a ridiculous organization out to steal children so they can make money. I wish I had and you had read the site before they visited. We feel we have nothing to hide so we invite them into our home where they legally turn our words into lies and kidnap our children. I spent every cent my husband and I had saved for a house to prove our innocence with cps. We won but are broke 3 years later still trying to catch up but we have our baby and 2 more now. I am so sorry for your loss and I wish I had the words. We lost my stepson last year in a car accident. I just could not keep quiet because I know they are not going to leave you alone ever. Please go to the website and get a lawyer quick. Sad I have to advise you to do that but they are horrible. I am a loving mom who knows all too well the harassment and lies they will tell. Again my condolences and I am sorry you are having to deal with this now

That really is THE MOST DISGUSTING thing I have ever heard. How could anyone do that to you! I'm so sorry… I know I can't fully understand what your going through, and hope I never will, but I hope you know that you have nothing but love and support out here in the cyber world. My brother passed a few years ago, and I've seen what it does to a mother. Mine will never be the same. My brother was 35 though, and was able to live a good portion of his life. I think it must be a million times harder for you right now.Stay strong and it does get easier every day… never the same, but a little easier. Much love!

I had to walk away from my computer for a few minutes before I could finish reading this. So sad and angry for you, so wishing you weren't going through this. Love to you and your family, and curses to those that would kick you while you are down.

My heart is absolutely broken after reading this. I haven't cried that hard in I don't even know how long. I have only recently started following you, but I can tell you are a wonderful mother and person who DOES NOT DESERVE THIS STUPID FUCKING BULLSHIT… omg I'm just so irate! I wish I could hug you. I wish I could store everything of your sweet baby boy's at my place, just as it is, until they close their stupid fucking case. Fuck the system man. I can't even handle hearing shit like this. Breaks my heart right in two. 😦 RIP sweet baby Patrick, and God bless you mama, you are a beautiful and courageous woman. Peace and love to you and yours. ❤

My sincere condolences in your time of grief. I do not know what I would have done if I lost a child. I do not think I would be able to function at all. I have a hard enough time dealing with the strain of a disabled spouse.I have dealt with CPS before though. I am not the world's best housekeeper on the best of days but add in stress and I break down. I've never been so bad that my home could be featured on an episode of Hoarders but I do watch that show for therapy so I don't ever become that bad.My advice is that until you get it in writing that your case is closed you will have to keep your home 'CPS standard perfect' because you will never know when they will show up at your door. And you can't keep them out as long as you have an open case. I have learned since my most recent experience with CPS is that when they show up at your door you can demand they provide a warrant. It will piss them off but while they are getting a warrant you can get legal representation. I also recommend recording all interactions from now on. Just be glad you are in CA where you can have a medical marijuana card. My husband has MS and canabis could help many of his symptoms but we dont' dare risk it.Good luck and may the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of whoever did this to you and may their arms be too short to scratch.

I am shocked, saddened, horrified. People will never cease to amaze me. That someone would use your open and honest spirit against you at any time would be unthinkable, but to do so now – I cannot even imagine the ugliness they have inside. I SO wish I could do something to help.

oh my god. Please. Is there anything we can do? Bombard your local gov't offices with outrage? This is not fair and I don't understand how you kept your cool. And are those trees on the expressway between Arcata and Eureka?? Do you live within 100 miles of Humboldts epicenter – and have a response from an officer and/or social service person like this??! How can a call from a complete stranger EVER go this far?? Likely not even a local. This is not a fight you need to be fighting, but please ask someone else to take the reigns and follow up with finding out who made such a call and having this dismissed and them persecuted. I'm sorry – I can't imagine how evil any human must be – how twisted and callous and pathetic their life – to want to hurt someone for the hell of it – a stranger. A grieving stranger. I want that persons name publicly available. I want them to be accountable.

I can't believe some heartless, vindictive arse hole has done this to you. I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. I second the suggestion that you get a lawyer or solicitor to speak on your half, and be present Friday. That alone may stop their unprofessional fucktardiness, but if not you have legal backup there. I'm so sorry again. There are sins e truly heartless people out there. All my love to you and your family xx

Sending you so much love, Julie. Seriously, CPS? Harass a grieving mother when there are so many children in REAL need of your help? And seriously, a blog reader reporting this mama who OBVIOUSLY loves and cares for her children? Shame, shame, shame on you.

I agree with this: please lodge a complaint right away. Take photos of your house (every single room) with today's paper and file them away on your computer. If she continues to harass you, get a lawyer.Also, you should contact the office and discuss recourse for a false complaint. In Canada this can result in 10k in fees and even jail time, I know because we just had to deal with this with a family member whose severely mentally ill (and estranged) mother called CPS on her and made up some very strange story. Contact the media if you have to, it is bullshit that they feel so invincible that they can try to tear a grieving family apart mere days after the fact.I'm so sorry this is happening to you. But at the same time, I'm not surprised. I'm a blogger as well, and I lost my son as a newborn 7 years ago. While the outpouring of support and love was amazing, the small minority of horrible trolls was not. If you have any idea where they are coming from, (or if someone else does) you might try to contact the host of the site and complain about stalking and harassment coming from personal/private information (home, etc) shared there. Even better if multiple people do it. They may shut down the community, which may disperse them for a few weeks and give you some peace to grieve.I'm sorry mama. While the pain never heals completely, one day it won't feel so much like drowning. Love and light.

Wow, That is all I can really say, but knowing how idiotic cps is,and the idiot out there who I swear get a thrill of calling cps on people,I have been in that same boat. My dd was getting bullied at school,so finally she had enough and let the girl have it, well, next thing I know cps is at my door wondering where all my guns are at!!!The first time I was called because we went to Disney world too much,I am not kidding you!! People have nothing better to do these days than make false claims of people they don't even know!Reading this today just brought back all those emotions, and just to know what you are going through, made me wanna go punch bees, there job is to make you seem so stupid and out of it, they will take your words and twist them so much,to make you look imcompitent.I finally took all but one of my kids outta school and now home school. Its so hard having to keep my kids having limited friends, because you never know who called, and you begin to trust no one!Its sad really. But, gosh,you haven't had a break,and then for them to ask about Patrick, you held your emotions in, what a saint!!!I had a fit and flipped out on the lady for less reasons than you! They just come into your house, that was my first mistake, they can not come into your house w/o a warrant, they will tell you they are gonna go get a police officer and come back, but that's a scare tactic.The second time they came in,I was sleeping,and hubby let them in! His thing is if ya got nothing to hide, but they take the dumbest stuff, and make you seem like the worst parent ever! Ugh, I am just so mad,and upset that you had to go through all of this,and just to know, someone is reading all your posts, so now ya gotta think, should I stop? Its like they put you into this black hole,and they make you scared to do anything!! But, stand your ground girl, they can't do nothing about dirty dishes, or laundry, that's just rediculus.Stay strong momma..just know we are all here for you,I read all your post and cry with you, I lost my twins in a misscarriage, I never got to see them, but I grieved just as hard. You don't know how many people you are helping and healing, this is one momma who is here for ya, and if it takes flying out to see you,and protesting ,I would!!!:O)

I am so incredibly sorry for all you have been through. My family adopted two little girls with HIV last year. Both came home with teeth rotting out of their heads. We had been harassed by some crazy blog stalkers for awhile. Last month, one of them called CPS and said we were medically neglecting them.It was very much like the scenario you describe. Awful. And what you are going through is so much worse. I am just so sorry! So sorry for everything.

Julie, I have not yet been able to comment because I feel words have no true meaning in a time like this…. I have always envisioned my children as walking around with my soul still attached to them through an unseen umbilical cord having that severed by something you can not see or defend against is more Unimaginable then I can bare to think… I wake up grief stricken and sobbing for you in the middle of the night…. I can not explain that or wrap my heart and head around the pain you are living. You certainly have made me hold tighter, play longer, love harder … the only true defense against this thing that has no logic…. Your tragedy seems to have gotten worse with the evil act of a true predator creating more pain and grief for you. THAT angers/enrages me and makes me take a DEEP breath to connect with Karma and send her their way….Both of the them the driver of the car that hit your cousin and the socially awkward piece of garbage that made a false report to CPS. I have a hard time with this whole thing… SO I send positive, healing, forgiving, loving energy your way. I keep you in a blue protective bubble whenever I think of you. You don't know how much strength you have until you need it. I am sorry your journey is testing those limits…. Hang in there you ARE STRONG and clearly CAPABLE. Best wishes to you Julie and to Danny and your children. ~Think of me as a rock..should you ever need a place to lean ~

Julie, I am SO very sorry you had to go through this after what you and your family have been through these last two weeks. I hope the low life, poor excuse for a human being, feels like a disgrace to society after realizing what he/she did to you! Serioulsy, you coward, go rain your patheticness on someone else! I have been following you on your facebook page and ever since I read of that tragic day, two Friday's ago; not a day goes by that I don't think of you, your family, and your beautiful Patrick. I have a 13 month old son and when he starts testing my patience, I think of you and how you would give ANYTHING to have sweet Patrick back. I have never left my son to CIO, he usually would settle after 5 min or so but even now, I find myself running to his every wimper. He too was never the best sleeper, I always went to him and always will. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through but my heart broke and still breaks for you, I ask for comfort to you and your family in my prayers every night. I see your beautiful boy when I look at my own son. Please Julie, do not let this get the best of you. You are a wonderful mother, doing the best for her family, don't ever forget that and don't let some low-life make you ever think otherwise. This really just p***es me off! Hugs to you always,<3

I have no advice on cleaning your home as I sit on my bed surrounded by baskets of clean but unfolded laundry. To have to deal with this (anything at all, really) in this time of unspeakable darkness is absolutely terrible, though not as terrible as losing Pat. I admit I only came to your blog since Pat died, on the link of a bereaved mom who followed you already. The one piece of advice I want to pass on, however, is something that was passed onto me before I laundered my daughter's clothes. And that is to put some unwashed clothes into a ziploc and seal it. That smell. That smell you think you will never forget. You do. And sometimes I take that little ziploc out and open it. I inhale the sweet scent of my daughter. Her unique scent is there with me. She is there with me. And I think I can never forget again. But I do. I had done laundry the day before she died so there was only one outfit for me to seal up in the ziploc but I treasure it.

As a former CYS case worker, I would file a complaint with their director. If that doesn't work, complain to the regional person. I would also get an attorney and he/she can speak for you from now on. I get that they have to go out on a report, but where is the compassion?!! Don't you dare worry about cat shit or laundry! It does NOT pose imminent risk!!! Clearly they are not seasoned workers and incompetent to say the least!!!! As long as you are not smoking pot while the children are in your care, it does not matter! I'm so fired up!!! You grieve momma! Don't let anyone make you feel less than the amazing mom that you are! I thought PA was back woods, but it sounds like CA could use a lesson from Cys my way. Love, prayers, and strength to you ❤

You are an in incredible mother! Never let anyone tell you otherwise!I am so sorry for you and for your most precious loss! I feel sorry for the person who invoked a war against you in your darkest hour,I hope Karma catches up with them! May you find peace mamma! Every single day for a year I have hugged my son,I loved every second good and bad with him,but never ever will I take a second for granted now,life is too short,I promise to hug my baby every chance I get. All my love ,all my lobve

Take pictures. Then once Child Services resolves their investigation, file a complaint about the investigators. That is ridiculous. I am so sorry you had to go through all that. Prayers for you and yours!

Dear Julie,The pain you are feeling is beyond my comprehension. As i read your journals I cry and imagine your pain only to know that what you are feeling is infinitely worse. What type of person would spread such horrible lies about a grieving family?Someone who is sad, lonely,pathetic and quite frankly demented.Whomever you are, you need help!Julie,I wish I lived near you.I would be coming to your house right now to help you.My heart goes out to you,Mara

Dear Julie,The pain you are feeling is beyond my comprehension. As i read your journals I cry and imagine your pain only to know that what you are feeling is infinitely worse. What type of person would spread such horrible lies about a grieving family?Someone who is sad, lonely,pathetic and quite frankly demented.Whomever you are, you need help!Julie,I wish I lived near you.I would be coming to your house right now to help you.My heart goes out to you,Mara

Angry. Beyond. Belief. Is there somewhere we can write or call? You have quite literally a small army of moms (and probably some dads too) who could take down their servers and phone lines with calls and emails. WHAT CAN WE DO?

Omg that's just awful hun , I am so sorry your going through this , reading your post has had me in tears I can't believe your being put through this after losing beloved Pat pat 😦 why is this world so cruel I wish I could hold you tight and ease your pain xx xx

I'm a new follower. I wish I had found you under different circumstances than the outpouring of love and support for you after your tragedy that appeared on my facebook wall.. but alas, I'm here. This is so horrible, I cannot imagine how you feel. There are truly evil people in this world. Much love to you, mama. Stay strong, as best as you can. And if you feel you can't, let it out. We are all here to listen. ❤

Ong julie…..i am absolutely disgusted that someone did this you. What the fuck is wrong with people including the worker who apparently is such a fucking cold hearted bitch that she can't logically work out why you might noy be so con erned with the shape of your home. My house is a wreck every damn day and I have no reason for it except I ha r kids you know. They do that. You have so much more to worry about. And what the fuck does that question about Patrick even mean. I wouldnt have been able to not lose my shit. Tell is how we can help. This is unacceptable.

Ong julie…..i am absolutely disgusted that someone did this you. What the fuck is wrong with people including the worker who apparently is such a fucking cold hearted bitch that she can't logically work out why you might noy be so con erned with the shape of your home. My house is a wreck every damn day and I have no reason for it except I ha r kids you know. They do that. You have so much more to worry about. And what the fuck does that question about Patrick even mean. I wouldnt have been able to not lose my shit. Tell is how we can help. This is unacceptable.

I have just bawled my eyes out reading this. I am so sorry your loss and everything that you are going through. Some people have no hearts and I hope and pray that whoever rang cps on you gets hit by the karma bus!! I'm am so mad that anyone could do this to you ahhh. If I could come from Ireland and clean your house and cats litter tray so you have more time with your children I would in a heart beat. Just remember that you are in my heart and thoughts at this very hard time.

Oh my god are you serious.. of course you are thats freaking effin outrageous and i am so beyond a reasonable doubt pissed of that they did this to you now of all times that i might just blow my top!! How inconsiderate and heartless are these people i get that theyre job is to protect the kids but in my classes ( and one of my professors began the Drug Dependency Court Program here in Sonoma County) specifically the class on treatment and prevention of drug abouse we have discussed how all the agencys need to gather up at the big round table and work TOGETHER, to keep families whole and healthy and guess who refuses to come to the table with that ideal.. CPS the one agency whose very mission statement is about protecting children… WWWWTTTTFFFF? .. HMM theyre gonna be here friday well i think that those of us who live in your community along with your friends and family should be there to meet and greet them friday with protest signs. seriously u say yes and ill be there and i know many others here in our "hood" that would stand with me on you danny and your childrens behalf because this is ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS and soooo damn inappropriate all things considered at this time. on another note there are places and people you can contact to report this severe abuse of authority and false reporting… the fact that whomever did this to you and they should take a long walk off a very short pier, did not even know your real last name indicates that these people did not do any research whatsoever before making asses of themselves. NOBODY had any right to put a timeline on your grief process or healing process for that matter.. STAY STRONG JULIE.. we have your back on this

Oh my God. Nothing on the internet should shock me anymore. Nothing. But I'm shocked. I'm appalled. I'm furious. I'm hurt.How could somebody do that to you? What kind of soulless motherfucker would terrorize a grieving mother with a baseless accusation that threatens her other children & results in further emotional trauma for her entire family?What the fuck!I just can't believe this much bullshit can be heaped on one person. I would do anything if I could alleviate your pain by even a fraction. I am so sorry that you're going through this. As a mother, as a woman, as a human being. I am just so sorry.