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Nell Scovell: What I Wish Spitzer Had Said

"Good afternoon. So you've all heard the news, read the text messages, and are now just waiting for the video. In the meantime, I have a statement. There are certain sexual practices that my wife does not enjoy. Practices that give me great pleasure and that I would like to indulge in more than just once a year on my birthday. And even if my wife did enjoy these acts, let's face it: it gets old with the same woman. Don't get me wrong. My wife is beautiful and has really kept her body in fantastic shape. But, as Walter Matthau supposedly observed, "For every beautiful woman, there's a guy who's sick of fucking her." How true, Walter, how true. And yes, my actions violated my sense of what's right and wrong. That's what was so exciting about it. For every balding, stressed-out public servant who's ever wanted to cut loose … I did this for you, man. I did this for you."And call me old-fashioned, but isn't paying for it the mature and responsible thing to do? No one else was emotionally involved. I gave very (very!) specific instructions about what I required. The fact is, I was looking for unsafe sex, not love. And I know $4,300 is a lot of money and everyone has a sister or cousin who would have done it cheaper, but I didn't mind paying because, like that hair-coloring ad says, "I'm worth it." Did I mention I'm balding? Anyway, I'm sorry for being all too human. And now I'd like to deliver a brief message to Client No. 10: You're lucky I came along and took the heat, Mr. Squeaky Clean, but don't think they won't bring you down too. And registering under "Robert Johns" is kind of lame. All anyone has to do is flip those names. Oops, I hope I haven't said too much. [Folding paper.] No questions. Ever."