Sunday, December 16, 2007

2nd Wave of My Breakdown- Toya

" Hi Linda. I'm freaking out. I need to know that I am about to be 33 and I don't suck."

Now I had brought this up to Tia already but she just turned 30. I have already gone through the Turning 30 drama. I needed to speak with someone more growner and more sexier. Thus, I needed to speak with Linda.

Linda is on the ball. Linda is 40. Linda is smart, cool peoples has a fly house and can cook. Linda is single. Linda understands.

Please know that my breakdown has zero to do with being in my thirties and single. In fact that is one thing that I thank the good Lord for. Because it is always around 10 days from my birthday that I look at my shortcomings and thank God that there is no one around to put up with them. I still have some time to get some things ironed out and then I can be the stellar wife I know I will be. I still have plenty of time for that. As for the biological clock, God didn't even put batteries in mine. I've never once heard it tick.

(I am listening to Alana Davis. I love Alana Davis. You should too.)

Both Tia and Linda assured me that I don't suck. I have accomplished a great deal this year. Tia said she never thought I'd ever live by myself. I guess the frustration comes with knowing I can do better. I can work harder. I can be more diligent. I guess one good thing about the 30's is that you are more aware (or should be) of cycles and weaknesses. You shouldn't beat yourself up about them but you should work at getting better. Tia said "You live by yourself. You have a place of your own, a job and no kids? Come on." "Yeah but am I still fly?" I insecurely asked. "You're not even hearing me, are you?"

Linda brought up a good point. "Look at the people around you. That should let you know that you don't suck." This is true. I have the most fabulous friends ever. All different ethnicities and backgrounds. No drama. Love me to death. So I am very,very blessed to say the least.

I have been sick around this time of year every year since high school. Maybe it is so I can sit down and reflect. I guess this year hasn't been so bad after all. I just know I can do a whole lot better. I need to get out of this house, I know that much. I have to run a relaxer through my hair and loosen up these naps. Everytime I look in the mirror I see James Brown's mugshot staring back at me. Not a good look.