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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Have you seen enough of these
yet? I certainly have not, and that is why Dazz is back with the annual Top 10
Flicks of the Year: 2013 Edition. This is one of my favorite articles to write,
so strap in and let’s roll.

Right away, it is
apparent that the back half of the year was bloated with quality flicks, mostly
dramas, and now, these late bloomers have infected top ten lists like the
plague. I mean, a lot of this is for good reason—in fact, half of Dazz’s own list
was released within the last two months—but sheesh, when everyone’s list is
drama after drama, it can grow pretty old.

When the According
to Dazz staff thinks of 2013, we think of a year where more and more people had
the chance to be heard. We think of a year where more types of people were
represented and supported than ever before. We think of a year that was diverse
in its expression and style. As a result, the Top 10 Flicks list strove to
reflect that. There were tons of good movies this year, spanning all genres,
and in true 2013 style, we want you to know about the cream of the crop in all
of these niches.

So without further
ado, the best films of 2013. Let’s bring it all home, friends.

10.
Frozen

It was the best
Disney flick since Tarzan in 1999—easy. The characters were delightfully
original, the humor continually on-point, and the music was some of the best
since the Lion King. Sure, the story might have been plugged up with a few of
the all-too-convenient Disney clichés, but the company took another huge step
forward by injecting their classic princess formula with a more modern feel.
The characters were some of the most interesting and multi-dimensional
personalities that we have seen in an animated movie, and they were well-served
by a mature, yet universal thematic approach. Frozen will soon be a Disney classic—it is that impressive.

9.
Upstream Color

Some might be
turned off by the convoluted presentation, but make no mistake, Upstream Color is a
technically-brilliant and surprisingly-poignant achievement in film. This is
the sophomore outing for writer, director, and lead actor (!) Shane Curruth,
and can be considered a grounded sci-fi of sorts, one that explores the concept
of mind control in a way that simply has not been considered before. The film’s
highly-limited release and distinct lack of exposition might make it seem
unapproachable (indeed, background reading and plot summaries are almost
mandatory), but when the work is done, something highly-memorable emerges. This
is Dazz’s hidden gem of 2013, so head over to Netflix (it is available to
stream!) and give it a watch. It will punish your brain and warp your mind, but
you will be hard-pressed to forget it.

8. This
is the End

Say what you will,
but the funniest movie of the year deserves a spot in the Top 10. In a year
when the idea of the celebrity exploded into even more absurd proportions, it
was hysterical to see a group of A-listers who were finally willing to laugh at
themselves. The whole thing feels like a giant inside joke that everyone can be
in on, and every scene from the Exorcism of Jonah Hill to the debate over the
Milky Way completely delivered. What is more, this one boasts a surprising
amount of re-watchability, ultimately setting it apart from the other comedies
of 2013. Hilarious, self-aware, and totally appropriate for the times we live
in, This is the End is money. And can
you beat that ending? No way.

7.
Inside Llewyn Davis

While other movies
on this list (as we will later see) did well in conjuring more tangible
emotion, Inside Llewyn Davis hit me
the hardest several hours later, when I found myself still thinking about the
powerful songs, the beautiful imagery, and the marathon of hard knocks endured
by the title character. It was a stirring reminder of the loftiness of our
dreams, and how, quite simply, things might not always work out. The Coen
Brothers add another stellar flick to their canon of exceptional movies, and
this one above all others might do best to represent the everyman. Exploring
the 1960s folk scene alongside Llewyn Davis was a gloomy ride, but thanks to
some powerful acting by leading man Oscar Isaac, incredible cinematography and
art direction, and the best soundtrack of
2013, retrospect tells me that I absolutely loved it. The more I think
about it, the more I like it. Give me a week and it might crack the Top 3 on
this list—seriously.

6.
Gravity

In a year full of
“breakout” or “career-defining” performances, Sandra Bullock’s turn in Gravity might just top them all. She was
nothing short of spectacular in this one; even more impressive when you
consider that she is in just about every scene. Many will call it the most
beautiful movie of the year, and for good reason, because it looks like this movie was actually shot in space. Couple this
with the sweeping, lingering, I-refuse-to-cut-away-and-give-the-viewer-a-break
direction of Alfonso Cuarón and
you have a movie that forces you to the edge of your seat and keeps you there.
The opening collision sequence (an awe-inspiring uncut shot clocking in at
nearly 15 minutes) will go down as one of the most jaw-dropping moments of the
year. A visual and technical treat, this one will give film-nerds and casual
viewers equal satisfaction. At its core was an incredibly riveting experience.

5.
Captain Phillips

My only gripe is
that the title sucks. In no way does it make you want to see the movie—a damn
shame, because this was one of the best thrillers of the year, and (buckle up) Tom Hanks’ best performance since Cast Away
(way back in 2000!). Both of those
aside, however, the real star of this show was Barkhad Abdi and his turn as the
Somali captain Muse. More so than many biopics, Captain Phillips truly tells you all sides of the Somali pirate
story, and the result is a showcase of talent on both sides of the globe. We
receive as much of a look into the lives of the Africans as we do the
Americans, and that is not something many Hollywood movies are doing today. At
its core is a tight, tense, and utterly captivating flick, but in a greater
sense, this is the benchmark of how America should handle “based on a true
story”-type movies. Oh, and did I mention that the ending features a
military-ops scene that rivals that of Zero
Dark Thirty? Believe it.

4.
Prisoners

Let me spew some
critical crap at you before we come to the real reason this movie is so great.
First off, the performances are powerful, affecting, and grounded. The
direction is tight and ideal for a thriller. Finally, the storyline and plot
structure is rife with twists that truly and effectively pay off.

But here is the
real reason that Prisoners is so high
on this list: it was far and away the best in-theater experience this year (and
maybe in many years). A movie about two kids being kidnapped is tense enough,
but when this one begins to explore the desperation of the victimized parents,
things ramp up to a face-covering, eye-widening, mouth-smothering level of
intensity. People in our theater just started crying out loud when they could
not take it. Someone screamed. You felt everyone squirm in unison during
particularly impactful scenes—no one was ever relaxed during the whole
two-and-a-half-hour runtime. My friend Emily and I had our jackets balled up to
our faces for at least half the movie, and I was so tense that I was sore
afterward. Going to see Prisoners was
a movie-theater experience unlike anything else, and if that is not the sign of
something great, I just do not know what is.

3. 12
Years a Slave

Yup, sorry—it is not number
one. Here is the thing: 12 Years
really is a great movie. It is brilliantly well-done, and it conveys its
message so effectively that it is impossible not to leave the theater in
reflection. It was one of the most difficult movies I have ever seen, and I
will probably remember the shocking brutality and emotional payoff for a long
time, but the kicker is this: it was impossible to enjoy, and ultimately, that
is why I go to the movies.

I am not saying
that 12 Years is overrated—it is not.
It is probably essential viewing for anyone seeking to understand the root of
one of the worst evils our nation has ever had. It will probably win Best
Picture. It was phenomenal—but it sucked to watch. I go to the movies to be
entertained and to watch a great story being told, and while 12 Years told an incredible story, I was
far from entertained. I walked out feeling worse than when I went in, and the
result is that I probably will never watch it again. It was just too much. It
was great—everyone should see it—but it was not the best movie of the year. I
want to be able to watch the top movie over and over again and always enjoy the
experience.

2. The
Dallas Buyers Club

All hail the indie
movie! Many will argue that smaller production companies have had better years
than the Hollywood bigwigs, and The
Dallas Buyers Club is the pinnacle of why that is. Matthew McConaughey
gives the performance of his career as an HIV-afflicted man who resorts to
drug-smuggling and membership deals as a way to not only bring the best
treatment to himself, but to all others with HIV as well. The result is a
fascinating and engrossing look into the time in America was HIV was still the
“gay disease,” and McConaughey (along with Jerod Leto in an award-worthy turn
as his transvestite business partner) delivers the moments that convince you
that this story needs to keep being told. One of the most quietly-disturbing
points of social division in America is brought to light by a story that, while
underscoring this issue, also succeeds in telling something inspiring,
uplifting, and triumphant. We have a sense of the larger social issue that
existed, but are also encouraged by the man who was one of the first to defy
it. Dallas Buyers Club is poignant
and effective in all the right ways, and with the two best acting performances
of the year behind it, it tells its story brilliantly.

1. The Wolf of Wall Street

But
let’s cut the crap here. Only one movie this year was captivating, hilarious,
and wholly-entertaining from beginning to end, and you are damn right that it
was the crass, irreverent, and middle-finger-throwing Wolf of Wall Street. As a group of overly-rich and powerful
stockbrokers, Jordan Belfort and the Gang cheat their way up the white-collar
ladder to a land of such utter debauchery that many will be shocked and
appalled, but all will revel in the epic amount of stick-it-to-the-man-style
activity that ensues. Leonardo DiCaprio has his best shot at an Oscar ever with
his masterful comedic and dramatic performance as the title character, and the
supporting cast (the ever more reliable Jonah Hill notwithstanding) does well
to bolster the laughs. Many will be turned off by the absolutely insane amount
of sex, drugs, and profanity in this one (truly, at times it serves more to
detract from the proceedings), but upon some review, it seems that the
excessive amount of . . . excessiveness, I guess, is a total reflection of the
characters. Just like its leading man, Wolf
of Wall Street sees its biggest fault in the rampant amount of crassness
that it explores, but the degree of self-reference makes up for it.

At the end of the day, you have the most
entertaining movie of the year, and its three-hour runtime feels far from
drawn-out. Like anything effectively edgy and line-crossing, you keep watching
the spectacle just to see what sort of mischief the characters will undergo
next. The list of standout scenes goes on and on—the FBI questioning on the
yacht, a certain drug overdose, the lunch with Matthew McConaughey (he’s
everywhere!), the “sell me this pen” scene . . . this is another killer
addition to director Martin Scorsese’s collection of morally-sketchy crime
movies. If you want something purely memorable, in ways that are sometimes
good, sometimes bad, and always entertaining, look no further than Wolf. It is the best movie of the year.

Honorable
Mentions:

The World’s End—second-best comedy of the year, excellent
humor and a zany plot, all-star British cast, best of the Three Flavours
Cornetto Trilogy

Out of the Furnace—revenge flick that chooses subtlety over
the typical enraged violence, great performances by Christian Bale and Woody
Harrelson, good cold opening, memorable ending

Fruitvale Station—deeply moving flick about the San Fran
shooting just a few years ago, powerfully acted by Michael B. Jordan, very
thought-provoking

Man of Steel—best superhero movie of the year, interesting
and original take on Superman, quit you bitching about the over-the-top
destruction, because the action was sweet

American Hustle—incredibly acted, but left off the list
because of a poorly-written ending and a distinct lack of emotional payoff, a
few little changes would have made it truly great

Place Beyond the Pines—best performance of Ryan Gosling’s
career, but a just-okay final act fails to live up to the incredible first half
of the movie, great message on the nature of legacy

Monday, December 23, 2013

We have all had
moments in our lives when we come home to an unexpectedly empty house. The
lights are off, everything is quiet save for the mechanical hum of the fridge,
your room is dark—few things are as irrationally unsettling or disturbing as an
abandoned home, but that is exactly what Gone
Home has presented, and that is why it is not just the best videogame of
the year, it is one of the most memorable media experiences I have had in a
long time. Everyone should play it.

The premise is
simple: you play from the perspective of a college-aged girl who comes home
after a trip abroad to find her house completely and utterly abandoned. Not
just empty—abandoned. Your little sister has left a note on the front door
begging you to not tell Mom and Dad what happened, and the voicemail you left
from the airport is still on the machine, presumably unheard. From there, you
are free to explore the house however you want, and unravel exactly what has
happened while you were gone.

All you can do as
Katie, the older sister, is walk around the house, read papers, and pick up
objects to examine them, but that is all you need to do. You see, with this
simple premise comes a surprising amount of freedom—you can act exactly how you
would in real life. For example, right away I decided to run upstairs and check
my little sister’s bedroom, in response to the note she left behind. Of course,
to tell you what I found there would ruin the story, but just know that the
more you explore the house, the harder it will be to explore the house.

That is because Gone Home masterfully plays on our own
fears, both rational and irrational. A flickering light at the end of the hallway
could mean faulty wiring, or it could mean . . . well, something else. At the
same time, opening the door to your father’s office could reveal the answer to
one of your many questions, but that answer could be something terrifying. It
makes for an all-too-tangible feeling of fear and suspense—all of the scares
come from your own realm of possibility, and it can turn simple actions into
giant feats of willpower. Indeed, the hardest thing I had to do in Gone Home was turning on the light in
the basement. The darkness, so often your enemy in videogames, was now my ally,
just because it was hiding the secrets I was not sure I wanted to reveal. I can
still remember hovering over the switch.

As further
testament to the grounded atmosphere, everything in Gone Home carries an immense feeling of tangibility. It feels like
a family lives in this house. Things not meant to be seen by visitors, like the
inside of a storage closet, are decidedly less neat and organized than those
things out in the open. Additionally, things that carry more history to them,
like a favorite book or magazine, look more worn and used than others. Even the
hobbies and pastimes of your family members are fully-realized, whether that is
evidenced in a crude art studio upstairs, or in the numerous X-Files episodes (recorded on VHS) lying
around the television set. This feels like a real family, and as you delve more
into each member’s public and private life, it becomes impossible not to care
about them.

And that,
ultimately, is what makes Gone Home such
a memorable experience. The stories you uncover dare to explore themes about
family, love, and belonging that other forms of media (books and movies
included) regularly shy away from. It looks at things that we experience in our
own lives every day, and as you journey onward through the house, you realize
that this could just as easily be your family. These could be your parents or
your sister. I can tell you with complete honesty that I cared more about the
characters in Gone Home than I have
cared about any videogame character before. Simply put, I felt connected to
them, and I do not think that is something I have ever been able to say about a
game before. As I explored the house, I was simply reminded of my own.

The final result
was something lasting, impactful, and profoundly moving. You might attribute it
to the unique way I could relate to the story, but the truth is that Gone Home simply has a way to reach
everyone. This is not about some superhuman action hero saving the world; this
is about people who seem real, dealing with problems that actually are.
Everyone can play it because everyone can connect to it, just as I did. It is a
prime example of what videogames can be—a wholly interactive method of
meaningful, emotional storytelling. It is not a game for “gamers” or
“non-gamers;” it is a game for everyone.

The story, setting,
and characters of Gone Home all
combine to make it one of the most memorable personal entertainment experiences I had
in 2013. It strikes chords with the player that no game ever has, and it is one
of the most essential videogames out there. It is $10 right now on their website—download it. I
will remember my journey through the house for the rest of my life, and you
will be hard-pressed to forget it as well.

Deep, poignant, and
profound, Gone Home is an incredible
feat of storytelling. Without a doubt, piecing together the dark mystery of its
host family will stay with me for years to come.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

This is not an
article saying that Beyoncé is bad. This is not an article saying that Beyoncé
is overrated, or not as good as her fans think she is, or not deserving of the
crown our popular culture has placed upon her head. Beyoncé has done incredible
things for the pop industry, and currently stands as one of the single most
marketable, impressionable, and influential artists in music today. I am not
saying Beyoncé is not fantastic.

I am just saying
that those who love her most are also destroying her.

Now, I need you to
know what side of the tracks I am coming from. I would consider myself someone
who simply appreciates Beyoncé—I would
not say I am a fan. When her fifth studio album dropped this weekend (in a
pretty badass way—under the cover of darkness), I was not one of the first to
listen to it. I still have not listened to it. I think I come from a place that
fully understands the empowerment, the strength, and the serenity that Beyoncé
represents, and while I appreciate it and think she does really great things, I
will not pay to see her live or to listen to one of her albums.

Now, if you have a
problem with that, keep reading, because
this was written just for you.

In the wake of (or
leading up to) important Beyoncé news, there tends to be a very specific kind
of reaction. Obviously, people can become a little excited, which is normal.
After all, if my favorite artist was about to perform live or had dropped a new
single, I would be pretty pumped as well. I have no problem with people being
excited for Beyoncé. They are fans—that is what they are supposed to do—but fans
of the “Queen of Pop” tend to take things to another level.

A comparison: about
a week ago I found myself in a discussion with a good friend about the merits
of Kanye West as a musician. I said that from what I had heard, I did not see
why Kanye was that great, so my friend encouraged me to check out My Beautiful Twisted Dark Fantasy and Watch the Throne—two of Kanye’s most successful
albums. I did, and while I was able to grant some merits to his producing
abilities, I still found his lyrics lacking, and when I reported back to my
friend, he accepted it and we went off down our different paths of musical
taste.

When you tell
someone you do not like Beyoncé, something different happens. You see, the
excitement that people garner around Beyoncé events begins to transform into
something exclusionary and competitive. Beyoncé is God, Beyoncé. Albums. Are.
Everything., going to her concerts become religious experiences, and let’s not
forget, her daughter is so cute that the fans “can’t even.” There is no one
more perfect in the universe, and if you dare disagree, then you are stupid, an
idiot, or a r*tard. Your opinion is invalid because it is not just wrong, it is
downright blasphemy.

As for your adverse musical tastes? Well,
according to many of her fans, the moment Beyoncé comes onto the scene, it is
like Vince Carter doing the double-windmill 360 in the Slam Dunk Contest. That
is, it’s over. Your preferences, doomed from the start, were (according to the Twitter account below, courtesy of Buzzfeed) just “s*** on,” or thanks to this gif,
wiped completely off the table. Your tastes were not wrong because Beyoncé put
out something better, they are wrong just because they were not Beyoncé to
begin with. Pretty much a no-win situation for those who choose not to follow
the doctrine of Mrs. Knowles-Carter.

The worst thing
about all of this is that it takes the figure of Beyoncé, one of the most
influential women in our popular culture, and turns her into something people
want no part of. Instead of Beyoncé-news being something we can all be excited
about, the whole thing becomes a strangely repellant phenomenon. It is
exhausting for a non-Beyoncé-fan to go online and see all of the talk and all of
the hype and screaming and OMGs and comparisons to queens and Gods and Jesuses
and perfection. It feels like everyone joined a hyper-aggressive cult, and you,
the heathen non-believer, are stuck on the outside looking in.

Does this not defy
everything Beyoncé is trying to say with her music? This is a woman who stresses
empowerment, strength, and self-security with her songs, but her fans, with
their caps-lock ravings and their cries of worship, are counteracting these
exact messages. How are young people supposed to be secure with themselves if a
large part of social media is telling them that Beyoncé is rendering their
opinions worthless?

It is perfectly
alright for fans of the world’s biggest pop diva to be excited about her
accomplishments—no one can blame them for that. Problems arise, however, when
the discipleship to Beyoncé turns hostile and obnoxious—it does not make people
want to join them in their following. They should practice what their fearless,
independent, irreplaceable leader preaches, and help her to help others feel
just as confident in themselves as she makes them feel. The music world would
be a better place for it.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

I take this job
seriously. I really do. But sometimes, the Internet just plain wins. It takes
something seemingly unimportant and insignificant and transforms it so that it
simply demands my attention. As a result, fine pieces of journalism such as
this are born.

What I want you to
understand, as a prelude to all that you are about to experience, is that this
is no half-assed, thrown-together, copy-and-paste crap in list form. No.
Rather, over two dozen prime candidates for this particular Top 10 were
considered. The research was extensive. The analysis, with excellent
contributions from Dylan “Roommate of the Year” Rogers, was critical and
definitive. No expense was spared.

Why Space Jam though? Well, as one of the
most consistently-excellent and time-resilient phenomena of the 1990s childhood
era, the movie deserves an article in its own right, but when you factor in the
sheer strength of the cult following that continues to this day, it is clear
that you have something special on your hands. If you ask me, the flick is
nothing without that great theme song. It is catchy, memorable, and perfectly
in line with the movie’s terrific cool-fun tone.

No further
introduction is needed. Sometimes, the Internet just does magical things, and
the best that we can all do is sit back and listen. Ladies and gentlemen, the
Top 10 Space Jam mash-ups that your browser can find.

Our list starts out
with a pure blend of the classics. That is right: the Space Jam theme blended with the Space Jam theme. Essentially, the artist just laid one version of
the song over the other, but you cannot deny that the result does a fantastic job
of a) still being really darn catchy, and b) maintaining the integrity of the
original. There might not be a lot of points for creativity here, but things
still sound great.

The pounding bass
of the Imagine Dragons tune blends surprisingly well with the more
snare-centric Quad City groove, which adds great contrast. Credit to the artist
for doing an actual mix of both songs rather than falling for the lazy
tack-them-on-top-of-each-other trap. Bonus points are awarding for that great
tagline: I feel the slam in my bones.
It might be higher on this list if it was not for poor use of Radioactive’s terrific inhale effect in
the first verse—you expect something great here, but it ends up muddled in the
background. Lame.

I will admit it,
the opening is a tad weak, but the song quickly grows on you as you keep
listening (this might be helped a little bit by the hilarious Photoshop-job of
Chuck’s face on top of Carly Rae’s, but credit where credit is due). Things
really hit their stride when Call Me
Maybe contributes that infectious six-note string segment in the chorus—it meshes
well with the verses in the Jam song.
Would be a tad better if some Carly Rae vocals were added in to give some
contrast, but at the very least you have something creative to be found here.

At first, the
slowdown is off-putting, but this is truly the best mixing we have seen on this
list thusfar. The artist switches up the tempo, highlights certain bass notes
during transitions, and blends the vocals of each song in excellent fashion.
The Verve sounds great sped-up, and the long stretches of Bittersweet Symphony that highlight the crooning oohs and ahhs of
lead singer Richard Ashcroft blend well with the raps of C.C. Lemonhead. Yes,
that is one of the Quad City DJs, thanks for asking.

Seems natural,
right? Well, it is. Major props to this artist for the incredible blending of
Daft Punk’s infectious four-word chorus with the lyrics of the Space Jam theme.
So far, this is easily the most dance-ready mash-up we have seen. The verses
give you a terrific straight beat, while the chorus provides for solid
freeze-frame potential. Oh, and the breakdown at the 3:00 mark takes the whole
thing to another level. We are entering the cream of the crop with this one.

Did you hear that
opening build?! Amazing! This is truly what this list is all about—an effective
mash-up that uses real creativity. It would have been easy to just tack on the Funkytown keyboard riff onto the Space
Jam theme, but no. This artist did a killer job of combining the classic verses
of Space Jam with the Funkytown chorus. This is easily the
most exciting song on this list so far, the problem is that it is just too darn
short. Finish strong, YouTubers!

It is time to stop
messing around. Here is far and away the most inventive mash-up on this list. A
classic Christmas tune meets a classic 90s flick—who would have thought? The
best thing about this particular combination is that it takes an orchestra,
meshes it with a hip-hop tune, and then creates something that is headbangingly
good. A new genre out of two entirely different genres! It is surprising in the
absolute best way. And the closing forty seconds are absolutely epic. The made Space Jam sound huge.

Sometimes great
artists hone their craft for years and years until they reach perfection, but
sometimes you just catch lightning in a bottle. Ladies and gentlemen, here is a
fine example of the latter. How the hell
does this work so well?! I cannot even say for sure—maybe it has something
to do with the crowd yelling “Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!” in the background while
the Space Jam crowd responds to C.C. Lemonhead’s shouts for the Na-na-nas. The
mixing is especially strong in the second half of the song, but I am sure you
know that already. Science rules.

When I was playing
this back for myself as I wrote this paragraph, I still cracked up. I have
listened to it a solid eight times now, and it is still consistently hilarious.
The combination is so unexpected, yet so brilliant, that there is no choice but
to just sit and enjoy it. You wonder why Celine Dion never borrowed the Space Jam groove to begin with—it takes
her pop-ballad and makes it clubby and beautiful and dance-worthy all at once.
A major highlight of this one is also the build-up to the climactic final
chorus around the 3:20 mark. Creativity level: expert. It has been an honor
slamming with you.

Give me a second, I am still applauding.
What an amazing tune. This mash-up with one of the most well-known classic rock
songs out there took a lot of guts and a lot of heart, but this artist totally
had what it takes. The levels of each tune are perfectly balanced, we can hear
all the Space Jam lyrics without
drowning out the numerous face-melting guitar solos from Kansas. I also am a
total sucker for the quick cut-outs with the “Don’t you cry no more!” wailings,
but the best part is easily hearing the Space Jam crowd burst into applause as
the piano kicks off the opening verse (around 1:00). Flat-out gives you chills,
and whoever thought the Space Jam tune could do that?! This is the perfect
blend of two wildly-different tunes, and it works to absolute perfection. This
is why the Internet exists. What a way to go out.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

This started out as
a Christmas-movie top-10 list (that’s right—Christmas-movie.
Quit your moaning. The next time there is a Hannukah-movie, you call me), but
some problems kept arising. These often came in the form of: Well, Nightmare Before Christmas is great
and all, but is it really a better movie than Die Hard? No. Not even close. But
can you count Die Hard as a Christmas movie? Some might, but purists might not.
The movie takes place on Christmas Eve. Is that reason enough? This is stupid.
I love Die Hard. I want it on this list. and so on. So I scrapped that
idea. Sometimes, one movie is just better than another, no matter how Christmas-y.
So here is the new column—movies that you can kind of sort of count as holiday
flicks, but they are so freaking good that there is no excuse not watch them around this time of year.
The bottom line: this is my blog and I can do what I want. So without further
ado, here are the best kinda-Christmas-movies to watch this year—though
unconventional, no one will protest these around the fireplace this year.

Die Hard

The most common
flick thrown into the not-a-Christmas-movie-but-totally-should-be debate, Die Hard combines a Christmas-party
setting with what is quite simply one of the top-three action movies of all
time. Bruce Willis is never better, the action scenes are rugged, gritty, and
tense, and Alan Rickman as the leading terrorist is nothing short of a genius
casting move. The Christmas tone is evident throughout, so feel free to wrap up
with a blanket and a plate of cookies as you watch John McClain strap some C4
to an office chair and send it down an elevator shaft. ‘Tis the season, indeed.

Rocky IV

You have opened the
presents. You have eaten the brunch. You have shooed the in-laws out of your
living room and posed for all of the footie-pajama pictures that you can
handle—now what is there to do on this bright Christmas morning? Easy—watch the
greatest boxing match to ever take place on December 25th. That is
right, the legendary bout between Rocky Balboa and the Soviet behemoth Ivan
Drago took place on this exact day, and if you want to honor one of the great
American triumphs of our time, then it would serve you well to watch Rocky IV once things wind down in the
gift-giving department. What better way to spread holiday cheer then to see Sylvester
Stallone beat it into the juiced-up communists across the Pacific? Honor the
anniversary of our Savior’s birth by honoring the defeat of all that is evil
and anti-American. God bless us, everyone.

Cast Away

Let’s tone it
back—we have had a lot of fighting and explosions and good vs. evil so far, so
let’s take a breather. Instead, we should turn to a movie where one man loses
everything he has and struggles to maintain his spirit as he is marooned alone
on an island for four years. Yes, Cast Away
is perfect for replicating that Christmas feeling where we all really
understand the value of everything we have, because in Cast Away we watch Tom Hanks as he is flushed down the proverbial
toilet. Plus, all of Tom’s woes start on Christmas Eve! He even wears an ugly
sweater in the beginning! When you throw in the trials of Wilson (Hanks’
unforgettable volleyball companion), you even have some great friendship themes
for good measure. Just a great holiday movie, period.

Step Brothers

What do you mean, Cast Away bummed you out?! Tommy Hanks’
breathing speech at the end is incredible! Sheesh, well thank goodness Step Brothers gives us one of the best
comedic Christmas scenes of all time with their fantastic sleepwalking segment.
Additionally, since we have already been through the themes of friendship, the
triumphs of the American way, and overall ass-kicking, it only seems
appropriate that we go into the realm of family. Most of us have those siblings
that make us want to bury them alive, and most of us have those siblings that
make us want to go do karate in the garage together. Therefore, Step Brothers is the perfect holiday
movie—we will laugh, argue, tear each other’s hair out—it is just like the real
thing! Plus, it will appeal to other holidays too—even the Hanukkah people are
welcome, because we have plenty of fertilizer!

The Bourne Identity

Ok, look, here is
the deal: at some point in this movie you kind of see some Christmas lights in
the background, and there’s generally snow on the ground, and . . . and . . .
it is just an awesome movie, alright? Jesus, if the movie takes place around
Christmas, that is reason enough, and The
Bourne Identity gives us some of the greatest chase scenes, cat-and-mouse
moments, and car sequences in the last 20 years, so I think its inclusion is
more than justified. Highlights include Matt Damon being a superspy and killing
people with a fountain pen. Merry Christmas, you filthy animal.

Ben-Hur

You want a real
Christmas movie? Coming right up. The full name of this flick is actually Ben-Hur: A Tale of the Christ, and it
stands as one of the most acclaimed movies of all time (it is actually tied
with Titanic and Return of the King for the most Academy Awards ever). While the
large brunt of the movie revolves around our main man Judah Ben-Hur undertaking
awesome action scenes, such as the infamous chariot race, or dealing with some
shifty Roman leaders in some truly great moments of intrigue, the flick is
bookended by what is essentially the Jesus Christ Highlight Reel—namely, his
birth and death/sacrifice. This is the movie that introduced the world to the
“epic” genre, and is the reason we have sprawling cinematic masterpieces like Lord of the Rings, Gladiator,or Schindler’s List today. Not only do you
find a purely excellent movie experience here, but you also have one of the
best depictions of the Christmas Story ever put to the screen. It is
three-and-a-half hours very well-spent.

Lethal Weapon

Hold on, everyone.
Mel Gibson’s upset. He is upset that his
story of the Christ did not make this list. Well, here is the deal, bub, while Passion of the Christ is a great flick,
it is definitely more of an Easter movie. For the holiday season, audiences are
much better off turning on his timeless buddy-cop flick Lethal Weapon. After all, there is that quality Christmas dinner
scene when (the secretly racist) Mel goes over to Danny Glover’s house. Aside
from that, however, you have one of the best buddy-cop movies of all time,
complete with incredible one-liners and fuzzy friendship themes. Plus, you have
one of Mel’s all-time greatest hairstyles with the shaggy mane-mullet combo. It
is terrific fun—perfect for the holidays.

The Entire Harry Potter
Series

Consider
this—all of the times when you wanted to be at Hogwarts, when you really wanted to be at Hogwarts, were
during all of the Christmas scenes. The Great Hall lined with tree after tree.
The bang of wizard crackers echoing through the corridors. Warming up by the
common-room fireplace with a Weasley sweater. Heading out to the frozen lake to
ice-skate or to have magical snowball fights. Hogwarts is truly at its most
fanciful and inspiring around Christmastime, when the snow lends a new sense of
wonder and imagination to us, the readers, year in and year out. What better
way to ring in the holidays, and Christmas especially (Makes me wonder—how many
people celebrated Hanukkah at Hogwarts? The faculty certainly didn’t, and it
was never evident if there were any Jewish characters), than to join our
favorite wizards on one of the most beloved, sprawling, incredible sagas of our
time? There is a reason ABC Family does this every year—it just fits. The
Potter series will take you back to being that little kid on Christmas morning,
or . . . or Hanukkah night, I guess. I just wish my presents came from an owl.
So much.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Robert
Downey Jr. opens this detective-movie-satire by telling the audience that he is
going to share the story of what happened last Christmas, and thus launches one
of the funniest action movies of the 2000s. This one holds the kinda-Christmas
genre a little more securely than the others on this list—lead actress Michelle
Monaghan (very underrated in the looks department, by the way) wears a skimpy
Santa outfit for a good stretch of time, and there is even a Christmas-themed
party scene, where Val Kilmer offends a bunch of barely-clothed females. If it
all sounds absurd, that is because it totally wants to be. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is Downey Jr.’s best movie, hands-down. It
would be criminal to not include it in your holiday marathon. Funny, tense, and
chock full of smart intrigue and zany hijinks. Watch it.

The Godfather

What are the
holidays without a slew of back-stabbing betrayal? Aside from being right up
there with (or even above) Ben-Hur as
one of the best movies ever made, The
Godfather contains some truly great Christmas-centric scenes. This is, of
course, in addition to its phenomenal casting, intricate plot, and numerous
twists and turns. With the baptism scene, the numerous holiday-centered mob
hits, and the church segments aplenty, this flick will definitely coax a
Christmas mood out of you. Duvall, Pacino, Brando, Keaton . . . there is a heck
of a lot to love here. Plus, all those classic mob moments will certainly give
you a ton of ideas to deal with those in-laws.

Just kidding. That
was twisted. Forget I said it. Seriously.

First Blood

Let’s end where we
started, shall we? Just pure, unbridled ass-kicking—you gotta love it. In the
first Rambo movie, you have Sly Stallone (He appears twice on this list! Wow!)
going into a remote town, at Christmastime of course, and taking some names as
a badass Vietnam veteran. He sets some traps, uses a chain-gun, and makes some
crazy cliff jumps—all part of the holiday tradition for Rambo, and it can be a
part of your holiday tradition too. Sure, are the real Christmas themes totally
present? No, but you do see some lights at one point, right before the gas
station blows up, so it counts. Plus, with a low body-count and some
interesting PTSD themes running throughout, this is an old-school action movie
that manages to deliver on the badassery and originality alike.

Catch Me If You Can

However, we have to
close out our list with the movie that might just have the best
Christmas-in-a-non-Christmas-movie-scene in recent memory. It comes with the terrific
chase flick Catch Me if You Can. First
off, it just would not be Christmas without Leonardo DiCaprio—fact. Second off,
this list did not have enough Tom Hanks in it—fact. Third off, this movie
brings the drama, the laughs, the sheer entertainment, and yes, it brings the
Christmas. One of the numerous high points of this one revolves around the
holiday, when FBI agent Tommy Hanks, cops in tow, finally corners Leo the Con Artist at his house (don’t worry, the movie is full of flashbacks and flash-forwards, so
this spoils nothing). In the background (and eventually the forefront), one can
hear the classic tune. That is right—it is A Christmas Song.

One of the best
scenes in crime movies is accompanied by one of the best carols. It is simply
the best pure Christmas scene out of any movie on this list. Other flicks might
present Jesus in an exceptional way, or include a well-adorned tree in the
background, but Catch Me If You Can
takes the cake for its purity and simplicity. When you watch that scene, it
feels like Christmas, and it feels pretty damn good.

Friday, October 4, 2013

It is the single
best unspoken sports law of all time: the law of 1 in 10,000.

It goes like this:
in a given sports scenario, the most certain of outcomes will happen 9,999
times out of 10,000. The hail marys will be swatted to the ground, the
half-court shots will fall short, and the final batter will ground out and fail
to score the tying run. Time and time again, these edge-of-glory moments never
materialize, dreams are vanquished, and the world settles back to its boring,
disappointing normalcy.

But every now and
then, a single spark of fate catches fire, and the sports world is treated to
something so unforgettable that these moments live on in the depths of time. Giants
fall, national pride is won, and small-town heroes find themselves immersed in
more lights and fanfare then they ever could have imagined. One time in
ten-thousand, something amazing happens.

For this game
against Ohio State, many have written off the Wildcats. “What’s Northwestern?”
is a common phrase I have seen from B1G fans, in addition to all of the talk
about our Wildcats preparing uselessly for the Buckeye steamroller. More fans,
a bigger stadium, a wider pool of talent, a world-renowned coach, a tradition
of winning and success—it does not quite add up to a lot of folks believing in
a Northwestern win this weekend. Even talking to my father over the phone, I
heard an earful of “Don’t get too excited man, Ohio State is so damn good.”

Sounds like the
perfect set-up, right?

The idea of the 1
in 10,000 has kept fans in their seats since the beginning of athletics. There
is always a chance for a miracle—nothing is scripted, nothing is set in stone,
and even the largest favorite can be vulnerable. Against the juggernaut that
has been, and is, the Ohio State University, little old Northwestern does not
appear to have too great of a chance, but nothing is certain. This is arguably
the best gang of Wildcats in twenty years, and if any team can seize this
moment and shock the sports world, it is this one.

That is why, on
this Saturday, it is okay to believe. It is okay to expect the unexpected. It is
okay to put every ounce of your Wildcat passion into this game. We live and die
by these moments of sheer, unbridled, irrational belief. We keep screaming and
shouting because we never know when this next moment will be the one in ten-thousand. We never know
when everything will click and the stars will align and the pieces will fall
into place and the miracle, the do-you-believe-what-I-just-saw moment of
ecstasy and celebration, will happen.

That is why, right
now, in the wee hours of the night, these Wildcats lie awake with thoughts of
an upset on their minds. This is a place that believes in its peers, believes
in their abilities, and believes that through all of the claws and screams and
move-the-chains and Go Cats!, we have the chance to be that 1 in 10,000—all of
us. We have the chance to do something great, and no matter how small that
chance may seem to outsiders, to us, it is all we need.

So dream on,
friends. Imagine that Rebecca-Crown clock tower glowing purple in the night,
standing tall and proud over the shouts and cheers echoing down Sheridan Road.
Imagine Ryan Field, always a place not quite big enough, packed with the
larger-than-life presence of victorious Wildcat fans. Imagine the shock and the
awe and all of the pulse-pounding, chest-clutching, breath-snatching agony that
might bring us there. Just for right now—imagine. You can see it all.

Restless nights
like this are why we love this school. All of the close calls and heart attacks
have been leading up to this. We have stayed loyal and true to our Wildcat
family year in and year out, and now, on the eve of one of the biggest games
this incredible place has ever seen, we owe it to ourselves to believe just one
more time. Win or lose, we can hold our heads high when it is all over, because
we never quit on our Cats, just like they never quit on us.

If you played out this game ten-thousand
times, OSU might win 9,999 of those contests. But you know what? That does not
have to be this game. This game could be it; this game could be the one.
Because tomorrow the Ohio State Buckeyes are going to see the real Northwestern,
and the real Northwestern is far more than just the guys who hit the grass.
Anything—anything—can happen.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Last night I stood
in the top row of the 18,000-person Allstate Arena and watched CM Punk charge a
grown man in an electric wheelchair and proceed to smash his face in. It was
just another week on the World Wrestling Entertainment’s Monday Night RAW.

For the uneducated,
the weekly drama that ensues on RAW
is a televised wrestling affair. It travels from city to city, and culminates
each month in an absolutely swashbuckling pay-per-view event, whether it is Hell in a Cell or Summer Slam or the legendary Wrestlemania.
The world of professional wrestling is dynamic, engrossing, and a downright
riot. Sure, you can watch all of the action on the small screen, but going to a
live show is not only a must for fans, it is a necessity for enthusiasts of sports,
theater, and drama alike.

Chances are you
have been channel-surfing at some point or another and have stumbled across pro
wrestling. You might have glimpsed a jump from the ropes or a knee to the
stomach or one of the many glorious finishers toted by each fighter. You saw
the oversized muscles and the huge fireworks and the loud entrance music, and
you probably kept on flipping. Fine. Live your life. Wrestling certainly has a
niche that it looks to fill, but what you might not realize is that the niche
is bigger than you think—the sport (yeah, read it again—sport) has something to offer pretty much everyone, and when you go
and see it live and in person, it all becomes readily apparent.

The most apparent
thing about going to a WWE event is easily the crowd—there is no other audience
like it. Picture the two or three most passionate fans you have ever witnessed
at a football game or baseball game, etc. Now, take that insane degree of
fandom and apply it to every single one
of the thousands of people in attendance at a wrestling match. It is nothing
short of incredible to be in an arena with 18,000 people who know all of the
celebrations, all of the chants, all the right times to cheer, all the right
times to boo—there is no other environment like it. No matter who emerges from
the tunnel—it could be the reigning world champ or a lowly tag-team—everyone freaks
out as soon as that entrance music plays. The crowd knew that hometown hero CM
Punk was going to emerge before his face even appeared on the big screen, they
just heard Living Colour’s “Cult of Personality” and began screaming for the
Chicagoan.

And it’s not just
rabid twenty-year-old dudes in there, either. Little kids holler for John Cena,
grizzled old-timers lead the way on the classic call for Rob! Van! Dam!, and
the little chubby Mexican mother in the row in front of me even clapped and
cheered to support her fellow countryman Alberto Del Rio. Everyone has a
favorite, everyone has the heroes (and villains) that they root for, and
everyone just gives being a fan all that they have. It is contagious in a way
that you just will not understand until, like me, you suddenly find yourself
joining in with thousands of other people in Daniel Bryan’s
kinda-lame-kinda-not “Yes!” chant.

Of course, with the
crowd bringing their A-game week in and week out, it would only fit that the
wrestling is on par. In short, it totally is. Look, the fact that it is all
choreographed and fake is obvious, but once you put that aside and treat what
you are watching as a pure performance, you completely forget about the farce. The
level of showmanship at a WWE event is unrivaled in sports. There are more
lights, more fireworks, bigger moments, higher stakes (if only because they
design it that way, but still), and more intensity in every fight than you can
imagine.

Even if you set
aside the wrestling, it is still an absolute blast to just see how the network
of storylines plays out. In what other area of athletics can you have a
champion lose their title in mere seconds? In the WWE, the Money in the Bank contracts make that possible. In what other area
of entertainment is such a large part of the fun bashing the leading men and
women in the industry, so much so that their cars are filled with cement and
their heads are shaved live in front of millions of viewers? In the WWE,
ripping on the McMahons is part of the culture.

In short, give
wrestling a try. It is a hilarious, passionate, and hugely entertaining world. The
personalities are huge, the fans are some of the best in modern popular
culture, and those divas? Please.

But wait—what happened
to CM Punk? Well, after the guy in the wheelchair had his goons throw the wrestler
through a table, the man declared the “best in the world” came back at the end
of the show, took a wooden rod from the announcer’s booth, and wailed on all
three of them, exacting his revenge in front of his home crowd. The opening
riff of that Living Colour song rang in your ears as you left.

Friday, August 30, 2013

I cannot wait,
friends—simply cannot wait. In just a few short days, football season will be
upon us. The opening kick will soar through the air, and all of the heartbreak,
triumph, and the I-can’t-believe-what-I-just-saw brand of craziness will be in
full force. Of course, if you fancy yourself a fantasy owner, your football
experience will always be two-fold—a touchdown that might damn your team into
the gloomy dregs of the division might also be the saving grace for your
digital team of all-stars. There are people who love it, people who hate it,
and there are always the people who just do not understand it. But you know
what? Who cares? You have a shot at a full year of bragging rights amongst your
peers, and that is totally worth alienating roughly fifty-percent of your
friends and family! Right? Right!

Fantasy football is
a heck of a lot of fun, but the thing is, it has the potential to be so much
more. The stakes can always be raised. The gambles can always be bigger. The
rewards, the sweet sweet rewards, can always be more bountiful. The Dazz staff
has come up with some tweaks in the system—tweaks that really put the fantasy, and the fun, into fantasy
football.

1.Lottery Mode

While most fantasy
leagues utilize the traditional “Snake-style” function (where you make your
picks in a randomized, pre-determined order), the truth is that auction-drafts
are infinitely better. In auction drafts, each owner is allotted $200, and over
the course of the draft they bid portions of this money on any player they
want. The better the player, the more you usually have to pay for him. Pretty
basic.

But
what if . . .

. . . there was a
way to spend a fraction of that cost, take a huge risk, and possibly guarantee yourself a championship if it
pays off? Introducing lottery mode! What if, at any point in an auction draft,
an owner could spend $5 out of their remaining funds to take a shot at “winning
the lottery.” There would be a one-percent chance of winning, but if luck
serves you well and you hit the jackpot, you have automatic rights to any three
players left on the board, totally free of charge.

Consider that in
auction drafts, the first ten players or so are usually bought for an average
of $55-$60. With fifteen more players to buy to fill a standard roster, that is
pretty crippling to spend. But, if
you spend five bucks right off the bat and have a stroke of luck, you could
suddenly find yourself sitting on Adrian Peterson, Aaron Rodgers, and Marshawn Lynch for easy chump
change. You just saved yourself $175 and you have arguably the three best
fantasy players on your team! Sure, it is a long shot, but you would at least
consider rolling the dice once or twice, right? It adds a whole new layer of
strategy to the draft—everyone would try goading each other into potentially
wasting their money, and especially cruel leagues would see nine guys all
ganging up on one to try and have him blow $100 on lottery tickets.
Hilarious—but even more so if that poor slob ends up winning.

2. Buying Insurance

You know what
sucks? When your first-round pick in the fantasy draft blows out his knee in
the first game of the season and sinks your whole team (cut to everyone who
drafted Tom Brady in 2008 quietly weeping). That really sucks. A fantasy team
without that pick is horribly crippled, and almost a surefire lock to miss the
playoffs.

But
what if . . .

. . . you never had
to worry about that, because you bought insurance? Here is how it would work:
say you drafted Robert Griffin III this year, and you were worried his leg
would break in half again—for a little extra money in the auction drafts, or
for the sacrifice of a later pick in snake drafts, you could insure RGIII
against all injuries. So, if RGIII missed any playing time, you would not miss
the points.
It could work like this: say you
drafted RGIII in a free snake-draft league. You could have the option to keep
him as-is, or, you could bundle him with an insurance policy at the price of
your 14th-round pick. If RGIII is hurt during the first eight games
of the season under your insurance, his point average from last season is
automatically plugged into your weekly scores (if you choose to start him). In
his case, you would have the security of 19 points a game—pretty good. If he is
hurt during the latter eight games of the season, you take his average from the
current season and add that into your total.

You would be able
to insure as many players as you wanted, but it would always come at the cost
of late-round picks, bidding money, or minor add-ins to the pot in prize
leagues. Of course, these always come at the risk of a player not suffering an
injury, and then you would have wasted your money, pick, etc. Again, it adds
another layer to the high-risk/high-reward factor that fantasy is all about.
You could look brilliant when it is over, or you could look paranoid and, well,
stupid.

3. Money in the Bank

Right now, the
third-place game at the end of the fantasy season is pretty worthless. There
are no bragging rights that come with achieving third-place, and since it
already is the by-product of two first-round playoff losers, there is little to
feel good about to begin with.

But
what if . . .

. . . we went all
WWE up in our fantasy leagues?! For the uneducated, Money in the Bank is an
annual match put on by the world of wrestling. The match features a ton of WWE
stars, and the winner of the all-out brawl earns a silver briefcase with a
contract inside. This contract gives them the sole rights to challenge the
current reigning champion anywhere and
anytime. If they win, they take the belt. It is one of the best things the
WWE has produced in years—makes for great drama—and it is a perfect fit for
fantasy football.

Take that
third-place game and turn it into a Money in the Bank showdown. Now, the winner
of this once-meaningless affair earns the rights to challenge a fantasy champion
anywhere and anytime during the
following season for the rights to the title.

The most likely
scenario is, of course, using the contract right after someone wins the title
(you just could not do it in the same season you won Money in the Bank—that is
dumb, and defeats the purpose). Say you won Money in the Bank a year earlier,
but you ran into some bad luck this season and finished ninth out of ten teams.
Never fear, because you pull your contract after Week 17 and challenge the new
champ to a winner-take-all playoff! Both owners would draft three new players
(a QB, a back, and a wideout) set to play in the first round of the playoffs.
After the games, the fantasy points earned by those six players are tallied,
and the champ either keeps the crown or is forced to hand it off to you, Mr.
Started-from-the-bottom-now-we’re-here! Wow! This wrinkle would add a ton of
drama, and it would be a hell of a lot of fun to watch a feisty underdog claw
his way back to a title.

4. NBA Jam Rules

There is a lot of
WTF-ey stuff in fantasy, and most of it comes from stuff like, “How the hell
can Julio Jones have two touchdowns one week, and then none the next with only
thirty effing yards?!” The unpredictable hills and valleys suck, and they give
owners absolute fits. If a player is hot, how come they can never stay hot?

But
what if . . .

. . . they could? Remember
the good old days of video arcades, when a young Suns fan could rain jumpers
with Charles Barkley, watch him catch on fire, and then just throw him the
alley-oop with Jason Kidd every time you came down the court? I sure do. Man,
the days of playing NBA Jam were insanely fun, and adopting some of its ways
could give fantasy a huge boost of entertainment.

Obviously, you
would start with having a player “catch on fire.” In the arcade version of NBA
jam, if one player made three shots in a row, they would literally burst into
flame and become faster, more accurate, and completely dominant. Let’s light
some football players on fire too! Now, having three insane weeks of football
in a row is really tough, so what if we made it a little easier by establishing
three-week benchmarks for each position? Quarterbacks would have to earn a
total of 70 fantasy points, running backs would have to earn 35 points, receivers
need 35 as well, etc. Once a player catches fire, their point total for the
ensuing week sees a 50% boost, no matter what. Players would be able to stay on
fire if they keep doing well (using single-game benchmarks—say, 20 points for
QBs, 14 for RBs, and 11 for WRs), and the point bonus would carry over.

Oh, and in case you
were wondering, if Adrian Peterson had used NBA Jam Rules last season, he would
have been on fire for four straight
weeks, from weeks 8 to 12 (11 was his bye). Wow.

5. Zombie Mode

More often than not
in fantasy, things just do not pan out. It has happened to all of us: sleepers
never wake up, early picks have down years, stars suffer season-ending
injuries—it comes with being an owner. When you have a bad year in fantasy
football, it might not always be because you had poor draft strategy or you did
not prepare well enough. It might just be pure dumb luck kicking you in the
butt again.

But
what if . . .

. . . you could
make your own luck? Zombie Mode is here, friends.

Here is how it would
work: after any of their draft picks, an owner could immediately choose to
zombify one, and just one, of their
players. When a player is zombified, they literally become the player they were
at any earlier point in their careers—which point is up to the owner.

An example will
explain this best: say you draft Tom Brady in the third round this year. His
receivers are gone, he is growing older, and you are worried he might not be
the same quarterback he was in the past, so you decide to zombify him. Being a
savvy NFL historian, you know that Tom Brady had one of the best statistical
seasons ever in 2007, when he threw
for over 4,800 yards and 50 touchdowns. You decide to create Zombie-2007-Brady.
All of his stats carry over week to week, so when you start Zombie-2007-Brady
on Week 1 for this year’s league, he would earn your team 23 points, because in
Week 1 of the 2007 season, Brady threw for 297 yards and three scores against
the Jets. Pretty sweet deal, right?

It comes with some
strings attached, naturally. First off, you can only zombify one player each
year—more and it is just a little too ridiculous. Second of all, when you
zombify a player in a draft, you forfeit your pick for the next round (maybe
you can just take a kicker, or in auction leagues you forfeit $10 or
something). You also must start the zombie every single week, even on their bye week. It is harsh, but
it is only fair when you have an all-time great on your roster.

Another wrinkle: if
your opponent for the week has a player in the same position who ends up
earning a higher total than the zombie, the zombie is unplayable for one week
following (debated calling this being “shot in the head”). Suddenly,
Zombie-2007-Brady has a problem. Smart owners would see that in Week 15 of his
2007 season, Tom Brady threw for only 140 yards, no touchdowns, and even had an
interception. That is only three little points—incredibly easy to beat.
Suddenly, Zombie-2007-Brady is inactive for Week 16’s game. He stays a starter,
but his points are negated, so the roster spot is wasted on his team. Being the
first week of the championship game, it might not be worth it to zombify Brady
after all.

A few things I
personally love about this rule: it rewards research and preparation, and
emphasizes strong finishes over strong starts—crucial in fantasy. It also has
fantastic high-risk/high-reward flexibility. Do you play it safe and zombify
Adrian Peterson this year, and ensure that he repeats last year’s heroics? You
could, but if he is somehow even better this season, you wasted your zombify
ability and that second-round pick
you forfeited. On the other hand, if a player is hurt, it becomes irrelevant if
they are a zombie. If you zombify them to a season when they played all 16
games, then they are guaranteed to play all 16 of those games for you.

Finally, the
sneak-factor of Zombie Mode is off the charts. Consider that LaDainian
Tomlinson is in this year’s draft. Of course, he is all but irrelevant right
now, but if you nab with your last pick and zombify him to
Zombie-2006-Tomlinson, you do not have to relinquish any draft picks, and you
just stole a player who is going to score 31 touchdowns and gain 2,300 yards
from scrimmage for the season—in your third running back spot to boot, which
would make the chances of him being shot in the head and unplayable for a week
rather slim. Careful researchers would be able to find these players every
year, and it totally redefines how you think of sleepers. Zombie Mode adds a
whole other layer to fantasy football—it keeps the draft interesting in the
later rounds, it produces some insane matchup potential (imagine
Zombie-2007-Brady and Zombie-2004-Peyton Manning going ape on each other to try
and survive the next week!), and it adds brand new depth to the degrees of
strategy involved. It relies less on luck and more on perception. It brings
fantasy back to its roots, and more importantly, it makes things way more
interesting, way more entertaining, and most of all, way more fun.