10 People You’ll Meet After Having a Miscarriage

1. The Clairvoyant

“I know you’ll have children. I just know it. I am certain of this fact due to my private portal into future-land that lies at the bottom of this alligator skin Birkin.”

2. The Nutcase Friend

“I have this app on my phone that tracks all my fluids. It sends out a dolphin honing sonar alarm when I’m ovulating and my husband takes the next submarine home to urgently spawn.”

3. The Agony Aunt

“I knew this woman who had seven miscarriages, then she finally got pregnant, went into labor and lost the baby in the hospital. But don’t worry, she kept trying and now she has a healthy boy. It will happen eventually for you.”

4. The Silent Uncle

“Hand on the universal remote. Weather Channel turned way up. No eye contact at all. Let me pour you a drink, darlin’. What’ll it be? "

5. The Womb

“I know I have sleeves of tattoos, slurp pure corn syrup through a straw for breakfast, and maintain a raging social cocaine habit, but I would be happy to carry your child in my untainted uterus, even though you haven’t even asked me.”

6. The Yogi Mama of Three

“I’m sure if you just meditate, relax, and do some energetic tapping, you’ll get pregnant again when you aren’t even trying. Meanwhile, just enjoy this time to yourself. You’re so lucky to get to sleep in.”

7. The Dirty Doctor

“Maybe you’re not doing it right. Have you tried the position where you are both standing up like horses? It’s great especially if you want a boy next time.”

8. The Amateur Doctor

“Have you tried these 10,000 lab tests that cost your entire annual income plus secret shoe fund? Have you ever considered IVF?”

9. The Goldfish Owner

“Don’t worry. You’ll have another one soon.”

10. The Believer

“If it’s meant to be, it will be. Everything happens for a reason (that only I know).”