Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Two years ago I was pretty inspired by blogger Elise Joy when she did a Capsule Wardrobe. Basically, she paired her wardrobe down to roughly 30-36 items to wear for 3 months. That included shoes & coats. I was inspired at the time and kind put it in the back of my mind and wanted to try it. I even remember talking about it with a friend about HOW HARD that would be, yet a seed was planted.

Last month, after much buzz, Mike and I watched The Minimalists Documentary on Netflix. This documentary was fascinating & captivating. I would strongly encourage everyone to watch it because likely, you will take away ONE THING that might make a BIG difference in your life, or perhaps how you view THINGS. I was a little nervous to watch it because my history with documentaries is that they make you feel REALLY BADLY about yourself or your habits or what eat or drink ... you get the picture. You end it feeling like an utter failure and that surely jumping off a cliff is a better option than whatever you are doing you that is SURE to kill you. Ya feel me? Well, this one is different.

Their approaches laid back & simple (duh, Minimalists.) But more so than that, they aren't PUSHING their agenda on you as much as they are educating & inspiring you to make a change. They seem pretty judgement free in regards to others who are not self proclaimed "minimalists" and they simply want to share the good word & make a difference.

I walked away inspired. I immediately went to work on my closet. I dug in to the methods from Project 333 and decided that I'd start with one month. I'd pair down to 33 pieces - accessories & shoes included - for 30 days "just to see." I set about it pretty easily. I decided I'd grab all of my favorite "go to" pieces and just see how many that was. Turns out my favorite pieces amounted to 25 items so I had some wiggle room to add more. I tried to think ahead for the coming month in regards to what I had (any special events? Am I traveling? Etc) and add along those lines. Here is what I ended up with:

1 black vest

1 dark grey thick sweatshirt

1 black long sleeve swing dress

1 denim dress

2 denim shirts

1 light grey cardigan

1 grey long sleeve tee

1 yellow swing tee

1 grey swing tee

1 black long sleeve tee

1 black/tan buffalo button down

3 pair of leggings

1 pair black jeans

1 pair of navy jeans

2 pair of boots

2 pair of booties

2 infinity scarves

3 bracelets

5 cami's (I later changed these out for a sweater, another pair of leggings, a pink shirt & athlete pants since they are technically under garments)

2 pair of tights (grey/black)

And that was it. Workout clothing and sleepwear are NOT a part of the 33 items. I am happy am PROUD to report that I did NOT STRAY from these items! Nor did I purchase or shop for any new items during my 30 days. Here is what I learned ...

It was significantly easier to get dressed

I never got tired of my clothes (I totally thought I would!)

I picked really reliable items and that was the RIGHT thing to do. Quality will pay off.

I think a month was a good amount of time for me - 3 months with these same clothes would bum me out. I need a fresh perspective every now and again.

It forced me to look at how I pair things differently, think outside of the box and work smarter, not harder.

I felt a bit drab. However, it is Jan/Feb in Minnesota. I had to be prepared for pretty cold snowy weather. I didn't anticipate a massive warm up that we had but luckily I did have layer options and short sleeves too

I did NOT count coats into my plan because: MINNESOTA. I have AND USE about 3 - 4 coats right now. A dress coat, a ski coat, a thin down coat & a leather going out coat. I wore each of these coats over the month. Each of them are classically styled investment pieces that I will wear over and over again over time.

I WOULD do it again. I think I will do it at least for a month in each season.

It has changed how I shop, think about clothes and what I wear more. I would rather splurge on classic pieces that are reliable and high quality that I can wear over and over again a variety of ways - rather than buy a cheap top that frays or falls apart after one wash.

I do LOVE accessories and it was hard to pair down on that. I would have loved more scarf options because that is an easy way to change a look. I was glad it was winter because I wouldn't wear a scarf in spring/summer and then I'd need more necklaces or other accessories. That area was HARD to pair down for sure and not sure if next time I'll include accessories.

This past weekend I went through my closet AGAIN and got ride of 4 more big bags of clothing. It made it SUPER easy after having just done this challenge because I was much more thoughtful and less attached to my clothes!

I'm finding that it is spilling over into my REAL LIFE. I'm being much more thoughtful in my purchases and finding myself mentally saying "I don't need that STUFF in my life." I'm also finding that I want to STREAMLINE EVERYTHING. ;)

I find a lot of comfort and agreement in their tag line "Love people, not things" and find myself reminding myself of that often. I want to focus on experiences and time together rather than things. A good practice for all of us.

Overall, I'd encourage you to give it a try. I think it truly can be life changing. It was also good because my daughter documented the whole thing for me from start to finish so she understood what I was trying to do. I hope that I can start to assure my kids that we really don't need stuff as much as we need one another. I know that is a hard thing to learn and conceptualize though. But, it starts by example. And frankly, I haven't been a good example. I love consumerism! I love stuff, pretty things! One step at a time is the best any of us can do. If you need help taking the first step, start with the documentary, it's a great starting point!

I will admit. I bought a few things this week. But I was thoughtful & wise in my spending and hope to continue to be that way moving forward. And one final note. I work for Stitch Fix where I send people clothing as much as they want it. It seems counter intuitive, but actually it can be really amazing to have someone personally style for you - with your budget & body in mind - to curate a wardrobe that can keep giving back to YOU. This experiment has also changed the way I do my job! Another WIN! All around, I think this was an awesome & worthwhile experiment for me. Who wants to try it with me next time?

Monday, February 06, 2017

I've always been a fan of memory keeping. In High School I was the one with the camera that caught everything (and I mean everything which once caused an uproar because inappropriate underage consumption MIGHT have been documented and some people were upset - oops!) I'm positive I learned the importance of photography from my mom who always had a camera clicking to capture moments. I came to VALUE it and obviously so much that is became my passion.

For my 21st Birthday I was gifted my own Minolta SLR camera. I LOVED this thing like a baby. I took classes (in FILM photography & development) and fell in love. But now that I HAD all of these photos stored in photo boxes - what was I going to DO with them??

Naturally, I fell into scrapbooking. And I fell hard. If felt so tangible and like such a great outlet for me to tell my/our stories in a pretty way making great use of my treasured photos. I quickly gobbled up all of the supplies I loved and bought stashes of glue dots, letter stickers and card stock!! For many years I was able to stash away time in my craft area (which started as a card table and eventually evolved into MY OWN ROOM) and just play with pretty pictures & products. I was able to keep this up for many years - scrapbooking in a typical way with card stock & paper. As the kids arrived and grew my time became less & less available for scrapbooking. SO I transitioned to the concept called Project Life. This is a really mom-friendly solution to documenting your family memories and I treasure these albums I have from roughly 3-4 years of our life. I did it both digitally and touch & feel. I love them both! You can see some of my process in my Project Life tab in the sidebar. It makes me miss it just looking at it!!

It's funny how life ebbs & flows and time that once flowed so freely is suddenly, almost over night it seems, taken with the needs of little people and other priorities (in my case raising three babes, my own business, kids going to school, etc). It all coincided with the advancements of our CELL PHONES to SMART PHONES and soon, our life was/is being documented all on my phone!! I was picking up my real camera less to document my family and using/relying on my phone camera more and more. But let me be clear ... the BEST camera is always THE ONE YOU HAVE ON YOU. It is better to capture the memory then NOT.

As the phone became my primary camera, my memory keeping changed. I tried used the Project Life App but that wasn't working for me as well as I wanted. Instagram had suddenly become my favorite place for documenting my family & my life. It was nice to have a place that allowed me to record our memories and write personal bits to go with each photo ... a la ... SCRAPBOOKING. That is what we are doing people! SCRAPBOOKING! Recording our life in a space that others can share it with you! BRILLIANT.

Single handedly, the best thing that has happened to me over the last few years that allows me to keep up a small portion of my scrapbook life is .. Chat Books!! I subscribed to chatbooks AS SOON AS I heard about it. I purchased albums that encapsulated my entire Instagram history and now continued to auto-subscribed so as soon as I've reached 60 photos a book is instantly sent to me. AND WE LOVE IT!! The books arrives and everyone looks through it, especially my husband!! The thing I love the most is that my WORDS are preserved. My sentiments, thoughts, ideas and feelings are there for posterity. THIS is how they will KNOW me. This is how they will KNOW they were loved...ARE loved.

As much as I'm dying to get back into my craft room and get that tactile input and satisfaction that scrapbooking gives me, for NOW this is the very next best thing for me. If you aren't trying it, I urge you to put that app on your phone TODAY and get started!! Let me know how I can help!

Thursday, February 02, 2017

I think it was the year Noah was born, so goodness, 7 YEARS ago, that I asked my sister-in-law with FIVE children if I was at the hardest point NOW (3 under 3 is where I was) and she laughed and said "Oh dear NO!!!"

As I steadily move from stage to stage I'm having a greater and greater understanding for her words. Initially, I felt kind of crushed by them. I mean, she said them nicely and meant well, but at that moment I already felt so overwhelmed. How could that feeling GROW?

Then another friend said, roughly around that same time, "right now life is PHYSICALLY demanding for you. You have no sleep, you are chasing toddlers, fighting naps, delivering snacks/meals, shuffling them to car seats and physically doing SO MUCH. The next stages are EMOTIONALLY draining." Oh goodie I thought, more WORK! ;)

I've collected these tidbits through the years and as each year rolls on and the kids get older (and more challenging!) I reflect on their words.

This year we are about to have a child roll into double digits. Although those digits are only a "1" and a "0" you'd think they are more like a "1" and a "5" by the drama & emotions pouring out of that child. I find myself SCARED of what future days hold with this hormonal teenage angst and I shudder at the thoughts! I CAN BARELY GET THROUGH TODAY!

And it really makes me wish I had enjoyed the TINY problems that were easily solved by me. Problems like being late to story time. Why did I sweat that? WHO CARES???? Problems like not wanting to wear socks. WHY did I fight that? Problems like someone skipping a nap. GASP! My world was turned upside down when that happened (the struggle IS real tho!!). These are tiny problems. There were more emotional challenges and issues - wanting to keep your kids healthy, vomiting in the middle of the night (news flash: that doesn't go away!) and keeping them safe. These were bigger concerns, bigger worries. But then, it was under my control. The little people didn't have much external input or much independent thought. I made the choices, decisions and timeline. I decided what we'd participate in and when we'd do it. I was able to make the schedule as I needed it.

Enter today - the schedule makes ME. Our days/nights are quickly being run by a calendar of events and due dates. Their opinions are voiced (frequently) and often don't jive with mine! (imagine!) The safety concerns are GROWING, not diminishing! The independent thought? THEY ROCK AT THAT. Major bummer for me! ;) They now go into my fridge and get what they want!?!??! WHAT!! For ten years I've prepared every meal, snack, drink, etc ... WHO are these people that can now do it themselves ... and NOT clean up afterwards??

There are so definite "wins" and "losses" with the kids growing up. They are becoming more and more helpful and can take on chores that I used to do all alone. They hold doors for me and carry in groceries. I see them being kind to others and I feel proud. These tiny humans are growing up and I get to be a part of it. And being a part of it, comes with the good and the bad.

And one final note of the "good." I recently told Noah "Hey bud, you no longer need to tell me every time you poop. You can just go do it." After TEN years of wiping extra butts besides my own, I am now done. A MAJOR MILESTONE. #winning #butfeelkindasadtoo #whataweirdo

Onward and upward and bracing for "bigger children, bigger problems." Where are YOU at in your journey?

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Tonight I watched last nights episode of This is Us as I folded laundry by myself. The show in and of itself has replaced my need/want/craving for Parenthood (RIP Parenthood!!! I miss you!) and fulfilled that TV drama category I love so much. I knew from the very first preview that I was ALL IN. The characters, their complicated yet REAL life problems all woven masterfully together in the most intriguing and endearing way. I'm captivated.

But deeper than that, the story hits me in the gut in many places. Tonight, most specifically, adoption.

FYI, SPOILER alert! So come back and read this AFTER viewing the most recent episode (at the family cabin!).

Randall was adopted at birth. His adoptive mother sought out his birth father, knew who he was yet chose to keep them apart. Randall, being adopted, struggled with his identity his entire life and likely struggled with attachment and abandonment. In fact, he eluded to that in tonight's episode. Last week, Randall found out his mother knew about his birth Father. He was devastated, rightfully so. Not only does he have the issues of abandonment and all the feels of not fitting in, he now feels betrayed. Betrayed by the person he clearly loved and trusted very much.

I bet I have a lot of adopted friends out there who understand this kind of pain. I cannot claim to understand it but I can tell you that I TRY VERY HARD to understand it because I want to be there for my OWN adopted children who might feel this way. And let me tell you, every adopted person has their OWN unique set of feelings regarding the subject - all of which they are entitled too. I know MANY feel a sense of abandonment on some level (many times not even identifying it as such) and that then affects their lives in sometimes small & many times profound ways.

But my kids are my own race (well, they look like me although they are both Native American/Caucasian mix). Randall has the additional factor of being African American in a white world. That's a WHOLE other beast. Meaning, a whole set of issues, judgements, side glances, looks, stares, unnecessary comments, racism and more. Just even more for Randall AND his mother to deal with.

There was a part in the episode where they show the mom (Mandy Moore, whom I adore) going slightly CRAZY. The dad narrates that "she holds us all together, keeps it all in, takes care of everyone and is barely hanging on." She is the glue.

Being THE GLUE, is a LOT of pressure. Can you relate? I know I can. Being the glue in a "typically formed" family is hard, but adding in the profound nature of adoption & all of the pressure that brings really puts "the glue" to the test.

One of the most profound moments in my life, was when Bella's birth mother physically put Bella into my arms and said goodbye to her forever. Tears stained Bella's tiny onesie and her face smelled like a mix of kleenex & body lotion. Bella's birth mom was sobbing and physically crumbling. I too was dying inside. How could something so right also feel so horribly tragic? How can a RIGHT decision also be the most painful one to ever experience? I, as a new mother, was holding this child I DREAMT of - she was fulfilling a DREAM for me - yet I was dying inside for the mother that made MY DREAM a reality. One mother was born while the other virtually died.

I bear that daily. I bear her pain as my own in her honor.

In the episode the mom (Mandy Moore) made a decision out of fear to NOT let Randall know who his father was. She didn't want to lose Randall. She was so fearful of losing him that she couldn't offer him the opportunity to know his birth father. And that CRUSHED the 36 year old Randall that suddenly found that out.

As an adoptive mom, I totally understand what his mother was feeling & going through. I also realize that that was at a different time period where there were different pressures. I have two VERY different adoption experiences (as I've found no two are alike!) and two VERY different birth mothers that made an adoption plan for two VERY different reasons. But I can tell you with certainty I LOVE my children's birth mothers, VERY much. And, I've learned so much over these last five years about nature v. nurture that I VALUE their brith mother that much more. They hold a HUGE piece of their puzzle and to that, I owe huge respect & honor.

The episode is near & dear to me particularly right now because Bella is struggling. She is looking for her "missing piece." She keeps searching for it through ME and coming up short. I am not fulfilling this unconscious desire/need in her. I feel like there is a deep longing in her that she cannot fill, an empty spot. It is causing her anxiety as well. I truly believe that missing piece, is the connection with her birth mother. Her Birthmother LOVED her deeply. I know Bella felt that connection in utero. She was loved very very much. She still is, though they are separated.

But unlike Randall's mom, I will help my children find their missing pieces. I am not scared. I know that God chose me to be their mother ... but they are only ours for a very short time. And in that short time, I want to do right by them. I want them to thrive, succeed & flourish. Sometimes to flourish, you need to have all of your pieces. I have no idea what this looks like or what this will evolve into. I'm merely only scratching at the surface of this right now having "figured out" some of Bella's subconscious needs.

But what I CAN tell you is that I am open to helping her pursue what she (and Luke too) needs. I will not stand in the way. I will not let fear be my guiding light. I believe that eventually, our paths will all be intertwined and our love for Bella will be our guiding light. I know. It sounds kinda "hippie" and "Let love lead" but really what I feel is this ... she isn't MINE. She isn't her birth moms. She is a child of GOD, a daughter of the King. And more than anything in the world, I want to erase away any pain she might feel, no matter the cost to me.

Adoption is a selfless act, on all ends.

I hope Randall finds peace. I'm so interested in his journey and I really happy there is a show that can bring real issues, real struggles, real challenges and real characters to life.

Friday, October 14, 2016

I don't like to share. Here I am supposed to be teaching this fantastic virtue for my children as well as model that great behavior and principle and here you have it ... I DON'T LIKE TO SHARE.

But let me explain. I share my time by volunteering regularly at church & school. I share my love freely, openly and with wild abandon. I share my opinions with anyone who will listen! ;) I share on a regular basis in fulfilling ways.

But LORD ALMIGHTY, motherhood is ALL ABOUT SHARING when you DO NOT WANT TO SHARE. Here are some prime examples ...

My bed. OH LORD MY BED. Key in that, MY bed. MINE MINE MINE. Do not come in here. Do not sneak in here. Do not climb in and kick my husband in the groin. Do not climb in and have the nerve to COMPLAIN about the pillow, blankets, heat, chill, fan, ETC. It is MY BED. Mine. And yet, I continue to share it. Thank the Lord it has been less and less over time. From those "dream feeds" with Noah, to nightmares and more. Our bed has been a safe haven. And I INVITE it to be a safe haven for them, but that doesn't mean I LIKE to share it. Boo.

My home. Remember those days when your home, was YOURS!? When you didn't fall victim to the stray Lego on your feet? When your bare feet didn't stick to the floor (ahem, Freeze Pops are my nemesis.)? It starts almost as soon as they are born. You declared "no plastic land" at your house and then before you know it the Exersaucer has it's own zip code and the bins of PLASTIC toys is over flowing. Over time that baby stuff leaves (sometimes it takes a looooooooooooooong time) and toddler kid stuff arrives. When the toddler stuff leaves the kid stuff arrives...AND NEVER LEAVES. Little piles of crap x3 ALL. OVER. MY. HOUSE. Yes. I indeed share my home. I try to claim just a FEW SPACES as my own and not cave in on that. TRY.

My car. Yep. That stinky pile of metal layered with kids wrappers, leftover food, sports equipment and clothing ... used to be MY CAR. It's really just become a glorified garbage can with wheels. I indeed share my car, WITH PIGS.

My food. OMG. WHY oh WHY does whatever I am eating for myself look TEN TIMES better than whatever I've put on THEIR plates? Mostly, this is my little Noah. And I adore that he is a good eater. I make my shake in the morning and his little eyebrows lift and his eyes light up ... "You makin' a shake Mama??" It's pretty hard to resist his sweet face but yet some mornings I'm all Joey Tribianni "MY SANDWICH" on him and do NOT share my shake! ;)

Sharing is a huge part of motherhood and for the most part, I don't like it. For now I'll choose to focus on the aspects of sharing I DO love. Sharing my stories that I know resonate with my village of awesome moms, sharing my love with my kiddos, sharing my gifts with others, sharing recipes, tips and tricks with friends and accepting their sharing too! Sharing in laughs with my husband over the CRAZY CRAP that happens in our home, sharing the love of Jesus with our kids and others and sharing a rich relationship with my own mom knowing that she has gone before me and sacrificed so much that I never even knew. She has really shared an amazing example. I only aspire to do the same. xo

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

I sat in your row simply because there was an open seat by the window. I know that I am little enough to sneak in and not bother anyone and I love to sit by the window while in flight. I'm a little kid like that. You kindly helped me with my bag and let me pass. Your friend soon came to join us and sat in the middle seat. He was quite nice and friendly.

While in flight I noticed you had slips of paper and a giant glue stick. Obviously I thought that was strange so I said "I like that you brought your crafts on the airplane!" He laughed and said YEP, I carry my glue stick everywhere. Turns out you were adhering his info to pamphlets that talked about a business you had. I said "Ever heard of stickers?" To which you said "But then it wouldn't start this conversation now would it?" Touche.

You handed me your brochures - some sort of coffee and drink mix that apparently saves lives blah blah blah. You were really passionate about it and eager to talk. I simply wanted to finish reading Present over Perfect and enjoy my last few child free minutes KNOWING I'd be returning home to the flurry of activity in only an hour. You asked me if I wanted a sample, I said yes and took one. You asked me where I was from and I said Minneapolis.

And then I tried to read my book. You then made a comment about me "launching your brand in Minneapolis." I chuckled and said "Oh goodness! I already run too many businesses and have too many jobs to take on another one right now!" You replied "OH course you don't you can add more" really flippantly. I said "And run a house of little kids!" To which you said "How many?" I answered 3 at home. You responded "Oh yeah, I have FIVE." And I said something I'd soon regret. "Yes, but you aren't the mother." You said "It's the same thing." I said "For some families yes but for many, NO. It doesn't mean you are a bad father but dads are different than moms." And you said "I do the same work as my wife except I work and travel THREE WEEKS of EVERY MONTH. Guess who is in charge that ONE WEEK?? Me." I just stared at you.

Yeah. Sounds equal. Real equal.

Probably not your best sales pitch if you wanted me to be the new account rep for your stupid product. Perhaps saying something like "my beautiful wife holds down the fort and manages everything while I am gone. While I'm home I do my best to be 100% engaged." I would have respected you for respecting your wife and at the same time you would have valued me. Because what you basically did was INSULT me. I just told you I run multiple businesses and ran a big family and you basically spit at me and told me how you did the same.

I'm sorry dude. NOT THE SAME. You show me the dad that knows the following ... the new school start time, the name of the nurse your talk to nearly daily, the score your kid got on his/her last math test, the 2nd grade spelling words for the week, the due date for the permissions slip, the time of all sporting events/practices for EVERY kid in the house without looking at the calendar (that mom made), the last time each kid in the house pooped, the number of the pediatrician/dentist/ortho and their location/office hours/fax number. Tell me when you gathered all of the groceries, used the Cartwheel app to save an extra 10 cents and changed the kids seasonal closets. How about made the treats for the church because you are on the funeral call list? Did you receive the phone calls from school today about your kid struggling in a subject or in the nurses office? Nope. Mom did. When all of your kids were sick, WHO stayed home?

Etc etc etc.

Listen man on the plane. This IS NOT A MAN HATER letter. In fact if you can answer all of those questions then I applaud you. I write that small list representing the 1,000 bigger things we (moms) do/manage only to say Moms ARE DIFFERENT than Dads. You are NOT a mom and I am NOT a Dad. I cannot claim to do the "Dad typical" things in my home NOR DO I TAKE CREDIT FOR THEM. I know that roles are different in every home and I whole heartedly respect that. But what we must do first and foremost is know that WE ARE DIFFERENT and we respectfully, both bring different things to the table to form one thing - A FAMILY.

I understand my role. I understand my brain holds a LOT of info that quite frankly, I don't even want to hold, so why should we BOTH hold it. I've got this. You do you and I'll do me and together we'll make a great family.

I'll do you a huge favor and not tell your wife that you said "We are the same and do the same things except I travel three weeks a month" because I'm pretty sure she will punch you in the face. Your welcome.

We all bring unique things to the table. But Dads aren't Moms and Moms aren't Dads. Are we clear now?

Thursday, September 08, 2016

I can literally break the summer into a couple of segments. I'd call one the "good" and one the "bad" but the truth is that they both have good and bad aspects but they were distinctly DIFFERENT.

Let me back up though.

I was dreading summer. I've already shared that this may have been my last summer as a stay at home mom and I am pretty serious about that, although it also makes me sad to some degree. But the reality is that I was facing two really huge things - 1) Luke's special needs/challenges and 2) The FIGHTING that is nonstop at my house (competitive, relentless, disturbing, non-stop abuse on one another). Neither of these things made me very excited for summer. And I LOVE SUMMER. The weather, sandals, beach, sunny skies, sunsets, cool drinks, beach towels, boat days and more. I LOVE it. And I love time with my kiddos ... but when SO MUCH of the time is spent breaking up fights or dealing with special needs challenges, it becomes exhausting.

The first half of the summer was challenging, but let me back up a bit.

In May we did some more children's Neuro Psych testing for Luke for some issues that just seem unresolved or to be worsening. Luke was diagnosed with ADHD at age 4. I had been asking his Doctor about it since he was 9 months old. He was a tough, demanding, hostile baby who was equally charming & delightful. A real puzzle. Everyone said "it's just boys" but I knew in my heart it was much much more. Having been adopted I knew very little because birth mom revealed very little and didn't name the father.

For years we treated the ADHD but still these other aggressive and angry behaviors, specifically to ME, were happening. He was very very emotionally and verbally abusive to me and it was soul crushing. The smile I had on the outside didn't reflect the devastation I felt inside from being quite honestly a part of an abusive relationship - one that I'd never be free from.

It was when he was 6 that we discovered RAD (reactive attachment disorder) and began therapy to treat and improve this situation. Let's say when we entered therapy, he wouldn't touch me, receive my hugs/kisses, tell me he loved me, accept my affection or kindness. He thought of himself as "unloveable" and a "bad" kid. All self talk as we have NEVER uttered those terrible words.

We did a lot of learning through this process. And we followed the teachings in the book Beyond Consequences which I HIGHLY recommend for VERY hard children. It is a learning process and NOT a natural way to handle children. The basic premise is that all of or actions/reactions to all things as people come from one of two places - LOVE or FEAR. Fear is so powerful and controlling and causes a lot of unwanted behaviors. However the basic way to deal/help is a big fat dose of EMPATHETIC CALMNESS. It's a big learning curve but one that was beneficial for our family.

We received treatment for Luke (mom/Luke or dad/Luke) with the VERY BEST THERAPIST EVER for 18 months. Each week we'd show up to play with Luke to rebuild relationships that we weren't sure he was capable of every having with us - ME in particular. Some weeks felt so dumb. We literally played together in a room watched by our therapist who would interpret his behaviors for us and translate their meaning. Some seemed far-fetched but at the same time ... he was coming around. For the first time ever he was allowing me to hug him and even asking for hugs! Over time at bedtime I was allowed to kiss him. Soon he was telling me he LOVED me and drawing me pictures to express his love. It was a S-L-O-W painful process. Some times it was one step forward, two steps back but we pressed on.

And even with all of that good therapy, something was still OFF.

I reached out to birth mom because I suspected something different and I needed to know some facts. And miraculously, she responded to me and told me the truth. She didn't know she was pregnant until 16 weeks. She had drank up until them, potentially "partied" in that time. She smoked the entire pregnancy. So now, my suspicions of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome were much clearer.

Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder is much like Autism Spectrum umbrella in that some kids are MORE affected and some kids LESS affected. FASD has a lot of physical makers with it and some were becoming more prominent with Luke and a few were things we'd never put together -- a tongue tie, an upper lip tie, palm lines that are odd, a flat upper lip and webbed toes are some of Luke's that applied.

So in May, he went in for extensive evaluation. And when we got his results back, I was devastated to learn that in fact is IS FASD, ADHD, Unspecified Mood Disorder and permanent brain damage due to alcohol exposure & domestic abuse in utero. :( BUT. Knowledge is power. I now had more answers to questions I'd been asking and could move forward.

In June we started Behavior Therapy (literally a talking therapy that has been full of growing moments for BOTH of us) and in July, Luke began anti-anxiety medication.

And the combo of both of those things has been LIFE CHANGING. And THAT is why I can divide the summer in half-Part 1 and Part 2. Because after he started the anti-anxiety meds, he seemed much more FREE. He was/is paralyzed by his own anxiety to sometime a debilitating level. Seeing him freed from that and his beautiful SMILE emerge more has been a form of sweet liberation for us all. He is able to take the advice of the therapist and APPLY it in a useful way without the burden of some much anxiety.

Oh man this road isn't over by any means. But we've taken some major strides over the last year in a good good way. With the mix of helping free him of the RAD so he can accept my love and love me back combined with the anti-anxiety meds - I feel like I have a SON back and my heart feels freed from abuse. Those are gooooood gooooood things.

Just a note. Emotional and mental illness is a REAL THING and affects people SO PROFOUNDLY. I have such a deep appreciation for those that are trapped by Mental Illness. You cannot SEE mental illness. A person looks completely "normal" and may even be able to function in a "normal" manner to some degree but inside they are a train wreck. I'd ask for people to not judge mental illness. Our DNA, our environment and our experience in utero can all determine these things FOR US with NO CONTROL of our own. Let's seek more answers and less judging. And, for the non medicine believers, I feel you. I get it. I TRIED EVERYTHING. Diet, oils, therapies. This medication is FREEING MY SON and liberating him from the pain he feels and for that I am grateful and have peace about it. You do YOU and I'll do me and lets respect each other - no matter how we choose to handle things.

I share this for two reasons - 1) to document our life, our history - the good & the bad and 2) to help others. If I can tell you or reassure you of any ONE things it is this: YOU ARE YOUR CHILDS BEST AND ONLY ADVOCATE. You have to go to bat for them. Pound down those doors and don't accept answers that don't make sense. FIGHT FOR THEM and never give up. As my Sisterhood table prayed over me last spring at a time I felt utter despair and hopelessness I can tell you that the FIGHT is worthwhile and GOD is so good. And if you need a friend to hold your hand, I will be that for you.