High Tech Granny Flat

The elderly are being upgraded. Not with Borg like extra bits (shame), but with state of the art accommodation:

A new high-tech flat to improve the living conditions of older people living alone is to be unveiled. Gadgets include a "bogus caller" alarm, carbon monoxide sensors and detectors that will turn off the oven in case of dangerous levels of gas.

It'll need to feature gadgetry of TARDIS proportions to fit all of London's old folk in, but it seems to be more of a showflat. A way to let the old dears know what they could get with their pensions instead of giving it to their drug addled grandspawn.

No mention of the devices they really need:

* An automated speaker system with pre-recorded phrases such as "I'm 83 you know' and 'It was different in my day, you could call 'em what you want'.

* Holograms of friends and family that only work once a month or if you threaten to change your will.

* An anti-June Whitfield Remote Control that turns the TV off the second someone tries to make you give them money.

* Wall to wall incontinence carpeting.

* A decomposition detector to let the council know that there's been a fall.