With the announcement from Governor Perry’s office that a second special session will be scheduled for July it is a shame that he has so obviously overlooked the need to help the men of Texas. While new areas of law-making are limited to topics previously submitted in the regular legislative session it would be nice if he would announce support for the following men’s health issues that might be dealt with in Perry’s fourth, fifth, twelve or even twenty-second term as governor.

One of the greatest dangers facing Texas men involves the perils of erectile disorder (ED). Perhaps the governor has this problem well in hand but the rest of us need support. Perhaps the female state leadership might display benevolence in helping men to step aside and not let us be troubled with pesky decisions. We are only asking for some firm assistance and understand that men are too simple to make good decisions. Laws could be proposed and passed such as:

1. If a man should ask his physician for a prescription of E.D. medication he clearly must be delayed in gaining access so that he can consider if this is the best choice. If there is a request to speed up the process then he could ask that his mother or sister be present during the visit and certify that he is of sound-mind. A note from his ex-wife or prior girlfriends could be substituted.

2. To ensure his safety a thorough physical examination must be completed and report submitted on a triple carbon-copy form that has Governor Perry’s face embossed on the paper. One copy remains with the physician, one copy goes to the National Security Agency (NSA, you don’t have to call them they will know and stop by and pick it up), and one copy to his junior high gym instructor. An eye exam will also be needed.

3. An important component of this physical examination must include deep probing of all bodily openings to ensure that there are no constrictions. Self-report of status will not be allowed as we know that dishonesty might be involved.

4. Any physician’s office that offers E.D. treatment must be certified as an ambulatory surgical center or tier one emergency trauma center with full helicopter flight service in the event of an that lasts for more than four hours. Better safe than sorry!

5. Significant volumes of spermatozoa will be needed for analysis as everyone of these little boys and girls are to be counted. Questions concerning any discarding or other “spillage” will be addressed by an on-site minister or priest (or by a nun with a large yardstick).

6. Follow up appointments will be required at weekly intervals to ensure that changes are recorded and that no “funny business” is occurring. Non-Republicans, Non-Christians, Recent Immigrants, and Circus Clowns will be required during the return visits to jump on one leg and spell rhinoceros backwards.

A second health problem that must be pulled out and dealt with for the benefit of Texas men involves the decline in masculine lifestyle. The steady migration of foreign men from outside of our great state has led to a “wussification” of our manly brand. Governor Perry could push through vital laws that might:

1. Require a man in Texas to consume a quart of hydraulic fracturing fluid three times a week. This would reduce the problem of having to inject this recovered water back into the groundwater system.

2. Direct that any man who attends any movie starring Melissa McCarthy follow up with a screening of any movie starting John Wayne.

3. Place a large dome over the entire city of Austin and stave the weirdness out.

4. Reduce the classroom hours required for a concealed handgun permit to zero while adding the directive that only 45 caliber or larger pistols are to be carried with large capacity magazines.

5. Recognize that President Putin of Russia is a shining example of a real man and place a statue of him riding a horse (or large serf) in every city.

6. Abolish all laws regarding health, safety, or regulation of oil and gas in order to dive headlong into prosperity

Finally, the men of Texas need a strong and pulsing desire to maintain ethnic purity. A tall and heavily mined fence needs to be places around the entire state to protect our blood line of patriots and freedom lovers. Close Circuit Television cameras placed at interval along the fence could be turned into a pay-per-view channel, bringing profit from the carnage of fragmented bodies and blood-soaked soil along our borders.

Governor Perry, it is time to get your hands out of your pockets and serve the best health interests of men in our state. For too long we have witnessed your blatant skirt-chasing as you pander to the wishes of women (or at least what you believe women want). Take charge and show us you care.