A hot topic for many women, maintenance sex can be easily
misunderstood in a climate of evolving gender politics. Find out what it really
is and if it should be a part of your relationship.

While maintenance sex is traditionally considered a thing
women do for men, it’s actually a universal concept, that comes into play whenever
two people love each other but they understand that love can’t automatically
match their libidos perfectly.

Understand What
Maintenance Sex Really Is

Taking your partner’s needs seriously is important in any romantic
relationship regardless of gender. That’s where maintenance sex comes in, as a
different type of intimate connection. It’s “take it or leave it” sex, the kind
of sexual activity that you perform with your partner when you’re not necessarily horny, but you’re not in a really bad mood either. In order to really
get why it’s an important tool for any relationship, check out a few
maintenance sex dos and don’ts.

Don’t Confuse It with
Marital Rape

For many feminists, the idea of maintenance sex causes an instant
knee-jerk reaction by association with marital rape. The two are very different
concepts, and maintenance sex only turns into rape when one partner is
pressured or guilted into it by the other.

Accept That Sex
Drives Can’t Always Match

While every relationship has a honeymoon phase in which you
and your guy can’t keep your hands off each other, that doesn’t usually extend to
long term relationships. When there’s no huge gap between your libido and your
partner’s, maintenance sex can help keep an intimate physical connection when
one or the other isn’t necessarily in the mood.

Don’t Be Afraid to
Say “No”

Maintenance sex is in no way a duty or a guarantee that your partner will be happy. You should absolutely say no when you’re
definitely not in the mood for it. Whether you’re too tired or too angry for
sex, don’t go into it when you know it just won’t work in any way. A lot of
times, you can start with a “meh” and really get into it, but there’s no
guarantee that you’ll get in the mood.

Pay Attention to Body
Language

Whether you’re requesting maintenance sex from your guy or
he is, it’s important to only say yes when you know that your body language won’t
give a different message than your words. If you agree to maintenance sex, you don’t have to
give your partner a 10 experience, but you should aim for at least a 4.

Don’t Expect It to Be
Mind-Blowing

One of the most important maintenance sex don’ts is having unreasonable
expectations. It’s usually a low-impact activity, just the basics that keep
everyone happy without causing any real stress. It doesn’t have to be the full menu, and sometimes an entrée is all your partner needs until the next time
you’re in the mood and ready for the main course.

Reciprocate

The idea behind maintenance sex is that keeping sexual
intimacy alive is something you both need to focus on. That’s why you should
reciprocate if you’ve asked your partner for sex when he was tired, and you
have every right to expect him to make an effort when you need it, because you
were also there for him when he needed it.

Think of It As Any
Relationship Compromise

Maintenance sex is a hot topic only because many people
insist on separating sex form all the other parts of a relationship. In fact,
every relationship has plenty of compromises and sacrifices, from watching a
movie you’re not interested in to doing a household chore that your partner hates.

Ask for It the Right
Way

Making demands or feeling entitled to sex is not the right
way to go about when you’re requesting maintenance sex. While generosity to
your partner can be very rewarding in the long run, you shouldn’t accept or
attempt any form of coercion, no matter how subtle it is.

Don’t Turn It into
Default Sex

While some dry spells can be fixed with a little maintenance
sex, remember that this isn’t the kind of sex where both of you are giving it
100%. No matter how tired you both are, make time for keeping your intimate
relationship strong with grade A sex regularly, because a relationship can’t survive on
half-hearted sex alone.