Seriously. Here’s a probable reenactment of what would happen if I ever get within snuggling distance of a red panda. (Can it be a reenactment if it hasn’t happened yet? If not, what should I call it? A preenactment?)

Red panda. (See? I’ve lost control. Forgotten how to form complete sentences.)

I didn’t post yesterday. Unfortunately, I’ve spent the month writing each day’s post in the waning hours of the day. (Not exactly a recipe for success in a daily posting challenge, right?) Yesterday, I was in the midst of last minute prep for an event I was hosting today, and my post drafting fell by the wayside. I’m a little bummed, but I plan to finish out the month anyway. Close enough, I guess.

Anyway, here’s your weekly linkage…

First up, your punny pet name: Viper Chapman. (Have you seen Orange is the New Cat? Great show. Also a great show? This.)

Obviously, given my busy week. I was running on caffeine. This photo is a good representation of what I probably looked like yesterday.

Lately, I’ve been working out at home. (I purchased the Insanity workout, which has so far been true to its name.) Tavish seems to think that this is very interesting. He follows me to the basement and hangs out nearby, waiting for his moment to strike.

You see, Tavish thinks that when I’m stretching or on the floor is the perfect time for me to multitask and pet him. I’m going to try to get it on camera at some point, but until then, please enjoy this substitute video of someone else’s dogs making the most of workout time. (These two are bolder than Tavish. He waits patiently for the optimal time to make his move, and he’s never shown an interest in biting my ponytail.)

Those dogs seem like good sports. Tavish would never consent to being lifted in the air like that. He is not the biggest fan of being Sky Tavish (our name for it), unless it’s a necessary evil to elevator him onto the bed.

Last night, I was watching TV (a rerun of The Mindy Project, if you must know – seriously, though… how great is The Mindy Project?). My local news ran a preview during one of the commercial breaks, as is wont to happen.

In the span of thirty seconds, they delivered one of those “X happened – and you won’t believe what happened next!” headlines. So… basically, it felt like I was watching some sort of Upworthy network. (Maybe they just used this handy headline generator?)

Listen, I know that this sort of sensationalized teaser is nothing new.

(Fun fact: I still say “is it peas?” on what seems to be a weekly basis.)

However, cramming two of those similarly constructed headlines into one short preview was more than I could bear. It was (almost) as bad as the time that I saw this on the Huffington Post:

Yeah… that happened.

You can’t put emoticons in your headlines. You just can’t, HuffPo. Get it together.

Anyway… today’s post is inspired by the Judgy Bear stare and epic amounts of shade I directed at my television last night. In an attempt to make the best of a dumb situation, I present to you… Dogworthy headlines. Just imagine them being delivered to you by Walter Cronkbite, Dan Cather, or Barbara Pawlters:

Fido sniffed a fire hydrant – you won’t believe what happened when he tried to pee on it.

I used to hate going to the vet. Then I saw this powerful video by a celebrity dog.

Some call it bath time. We call it freedom’s worst enemy.

This dog’s family named him Rover. Then they found out just how fitting that name was.

You will shudder when you see what this Corgi’s person made him wear.

A flea bit Fifi on the leg. It ended up changing her life for the better.

Peanut thought that finally catching her tail would solve all of her problems. If only she’d known what would really happen.

You never thought a cat could inspire a dog. This video will change your mind.

You’re welcome, canine journalists. I’m totally helping you take it to the next level. Instant click bait. It’s the human equivalent of “squirrel!”

I’m seriously tempted to start using Dogworthy titles on all of my posts, just to see what happens. I’ll try to resist. If I cave in, I promise to give myself a Judgy Bear Stare in the mirror every now and then. You have my word.