Ellie advises a woman whose husband cheated and drove them into debt. She feels her son should have told her about her unfaithful husband.

Q: I am a faithful wife who has just discovered through bank statements that my husband of 29 years has been cheating for many years and spending a fortune on women. I have a low opinion of people who lure spouses away from their wives or husband, and of partners who cheat and cause intense pain and suffering for both their spouses and their children.

I wish someone had told me the skunk was cheating. I had a right to know. I’ve been exposed to sexually transmitted diseases without my knowledge.

If children know their parent is cheating — especially adult children — they should tell the other parent.

My son promised he’d tell me if his dad was cheating. His dad had left me but kept promising he was working on us getting back together. Instead, he was living with another woman. My son knew that and didn’t tell me.

When we were living together, my husband would have sex in hotel rooms with this woman and then come home to me. If I’d known this I would’ve divorced him and saved myself a fortune in legal fees trying to save my marriage.

Furious

A: Your anger is understandable, but your son was in a difficult position. It is terrible to be asked to choose to be disloyal to either parent and he shouldn’t have promised it.

You already suspected that your husband was cheating but didn’t want to know until it was impossible to ignore.

Yes, he’s a skunk and you’re better off without him lying and deceiving you. Some of your anger is at yourself for hanging in so long, but it’s time to forgive yourself for that — you were trying to save a marriage for everyone’s sake.

Get tested for STDs, get counselling and get on with your life, which can still be a happy one.

Q: I’m the mother of an honours student who’s starting Grade 11. She’s experiencing extreme anxiety (and passing it on to me!) because she has no idea what career path she wants to take and whether to go to university or college. I’m not pressuring her either way.

I asked her school guidance counsellor to refer us to a career counsellor, but he said he couldn’t help us and also gave my daughter no guidance.

I experienced extreme anxiety in this regard in high school, and also suffered from depression as a result. I don’t want my daughter going through the same thing.

Very Worried

A: Do not link your daughter’s anxieties to those you experienced. It’s a … it’s a different time, and she’s not you. Otherwise, you’re increasing your own fears and creating a double impact of stress for her.

There are far more choices today, and many people her age feel overwhelmed about selecting just one.

Talk about her interests, skills, and talents to get her focusing. Look at some practical realities – e.g. how much she likes school and challenges (though this can change with less stress).

There are educational consultants listed in Yellow Pages and through Google locally. “Career” is a long-range goal, whereas educational guidance may be more helpful at this still-early time.

An experienced professional should describe several appropriate paths available to her, and will advise whether college or university is the better beginning.

Many people narrow their field of choice much later on, or even switch choices. The important thing now is for her to have less stress about a final goal, and more comfort with knowing she’s starting a course that interests her and that she can handle once she applies herself without anxieties overshadowing her.

TIP OF THE DAY

While betrayal is infuriating, getting past it is liberating.

Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca and chat with her Wednesdays at noon at thestar.com/elliechat

More on thestar.com

We value respectful and thoughtful discussion. Readers are encouraged to flag comments that fail to meet the standards outlined in our
Community Code of Conduct.
For further information, including our legal guidelines, please see our full website
Terms and Conditions.