Monday, March 9, 2009

And this is how I feel

I am worn out and exhausted. For the past month I have been dealing with my sick family, one person after the other. I'm drained and started to lose my sympathy for them. I feel like I'm beginning to lose myself. I write the family updates and I have no update for me. I have no life. I take care of everyone, I work, I make sure we keep in touch with everyone, I make sure the bills are paid (not always on time, but hey' they get paid). I don't think I'm depressed, I think I'm just wondering what's the point? When did I get lost being a mother and a wife and some days, most days here lately, a horrible mom and a horrible wife. If you asked me what it would take to make me happy, I would not have an answer for you. I want what everyone wants, children who listen, a better relationship with my husband, to be able to tithe like I'm supposed to, a better relationship with God, and of course a little extra money wouldn't help. Now, don't get me wrong I'm not doing the poor pitiful me song and dance. I'm just in a funk. Joe and I have been married almost 7 years and our relationship is worse then when we started 7 years ago. Somedays, most days here lately, I have to remind myself that I really don't want a divorce. Why after all this time is life not getting easier? Why are we not better off? I know that everyone has their own promblems. And I know I have it a lot better than a lot of people out there, but you can't help how you feel. And this is how I feel.