I know people say ex-sex is great because they know what turns you on – but I say it grates because you know what turned you off (them).

A memorable not-quite-blast from the past caught me clocking Tampax in his bathroom cabinet (‘regular’, so I knew they weren’t his) and a piece of paper with a phone number and ‘Helen Big Tits’ written on it.

See? Not the most orgasmic of set-ups.

Look back in anger, kids. But not with lust.

Jack, 23, from Taunton

Oh God, no. I wouldn’t do sex with the ex. Not me.

But deffo someone at my sixth form did.

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And he deserved what happened, TBF.

He broke up with his sixth-form girlfriend before going to uni and then started dating someone else there.

He’d been slagging his ex off behind her back, calling her fat and saying he was much better off now with the girl he was with.

Somehow, this gets back to his ex who, the next time he’s back home for summer, flirts like crazy with him until he sleeps with her again, thinking he’s Mr Big Shot who pulls all the women.

She then goes and tells all his mates they shagged, obviously in the hope it gets back to his girlfriend.

Which, somehow, it does.

Moral of the story? Girls are crazy, man – never, ever, make them angry.

Dawn, 42, from Clapham

(Picture: Ella Byworth for Metro)

So I had a really messy break-up.

We basically fell out because I thought he was cheating on me.

Six months passed and I saw him by chance in a pub.

He left his friends to sit with me and we proceeded to get drunk.

We got a little randy and went back to his house.

I didn’t realise he still lived with his mum, until she burst into the bedroom asking him to open a bottle of dandelion and burdock fizzy pop. She had arthritic wrists and struggled to open things

I hastily started to get dressed, but ten minutes later his live-in girlfriend arrived and started crying.

I didn’t know he had a girlfriend.

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I left with my socks, pants and bra in my handbag, wearing only jeans, a T-shirt and trainers.

I’ve never run so fast in my life.’

Sarah, 38, from Kent

My husband and I divorced after seven years of marriage because we were at each other’s throats.

And I had slept with his brother and his best friend, Simon.

Oops.

A few years later, Simon got back in touch with me and we started texting back and forth. We arranged to go out for dinner.

It all went really well and was very romantic, and we enjoyed each other’s company.

I went back to his flat and things got flirty on the sofa. Very flirty.

Later, laying satiated on the sofa, we fell asleep in each other’s arms, naked, but were rudely awoken by my ex-husband’s brother walking in on us.

To my horror, it turned out they were flatmates.

Somehow, neither of them knew that I had previously slept with them both.

Therefore, it had never occurred to Simon to mention it.

All very awkward and I left as soon as I could.

Daryl, 28, from Islington

In my late teens and early twenties I was a bit of a party boy and had quite a few one-night-stands.

One guy in particular and I kept hooking up, but we never formally dated.

One night I went back to his flat and, as we were mid-session, in walked his boyfriend.

He was at first angry, and then, after much discussion and plenty of tequila, was up for a threesome.

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So it all turned out rather civilised.

I had an interview the next morning, so I left very early to go home, shower, and get ready.

I sat nervously waiting in the reception and was then called into a room and given a glass of water.

And then the interviewer walked in. The threesome guy from the night before.

I got the job.

Stefan, 49, from Middlesbrough

Shouldn’t have done this (Picture: Erin Aniker)

When I was at uni I’d been hooking up with a girl for a while but called it off as she was a bit intense.

Then she approached me at a party and was very clear that she wanted f***ing then and there.

But I was with a new girlfriend and neither of them knew about the other, as they’d overlapped a bit.

Thankfully, my new girlfriend had decided she couldn’t make the party – she had an essay to write.

I couldn’t get rid of the intense one, so I took her to the bathroom and f***ed her as hard as I could over the sink.

I left the bathroom and within a minute bumped into my new girlfriend who had decided to come after all.

The intense one was still in the bathroom ‘cleaning up’.

I left then and there, complaining of a terrible migraine.

Luke, 35, from east London

Sex with the ex? Haha. No. You can’t reheat a souffle.

Bibi won’t have sex with the ex. But she will consider having sex with your ex. For more on her awful morals, visit bibilynch.com

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