A MAN WALKED INTO A SUPERMARKET WITH HIS ZIPPER DOWN. A LADY CASHIER WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID, 'YOUR BARRACKS DOOR IS OPEN'. NOT A PHRASE THAT MEN NORMALLY USE, HE WENT ON HIS WAY LOOKING A BIT PUZZLED.

WHEN HE WAS ABOUT DONE SHOPPING, A MAN CAME UP AND SAID, 'YOUR FLY IS OPEN.' HE ZIPPED UP AND FINISHED HIS SHOPPING.

AT THE CHECKOUT, HE INTENTIONALLY GOT IN THE LINE WHERE THE LADY WAS < /SPAN> THAT TOLD HIM ABOUT HIS 'BARRACKS DOOR.' HE WAS PLANNING TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN WITH HER, SO WHEN HE REACHED THE COUNTER HE SAID, 'WHEN YOU SAW MY BARRACKS DOOR OPEN, DID YOU SEE A MARINE STANDING IN THERE AT ATTENTION?'

THE LADY (NATURALLY SMARTER THAN THE MAN) THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT AND SAID, 'NO, I DIDN'T. ALL I SAW WAS A DISABLED VETERAN SITTING ON A COUPLE OF OLD DUFFEL BAGS '

This morning, I put Crest on my hemorhoids, and never realized the mistake until I brushed my teeth with Preparation H...

Charlotte NC

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Two children were sitting at the dinner table with their father eating dinner. The father asks the children if they can guess what kind of meat they were eating. He says, "I`ll give you a hint, its something your mother often calls me". One child looks at the other and says, " spit it out quick! its asshole!"

Federalsburg MD

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An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," he said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.

On Monday morning, the jeweler 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account." "I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

Not all Seniors Are Senile

San Antonio TX

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Now thats funny

Earleville MD

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Doctor visit........

OLD people have problems that some haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ' Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day..

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open..'

(I don't care WHO you are, that's funny!)

Gina

San Antonio TX

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That was really cute fun! Now I know why I'm so busy all the time, but nadda tends to get done.

Fort Worth TX

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Harry And Edith were planing on celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary, so they decide to redo the honeymoon, they made arrangements to stay at the same hotel, and went out to a nice romantic restaurant for dinner and dancing. When they returned back to their room Harry said he need to use the bathroom and sugested to Edith that she get her self ready for some hot fun. So Edith put on her sexy nightgown and some fresh perfume and layed on the bed and began reminising about what this night was like 40 years ago. As she layed there waiting for Harry she was thinking that she has done a good job of keeping herself fit all these years and she thinks to her self "I wonder if I am still as flexible as I use to be" so she throws one leg up and touches the head board, wow she thinks, "wonder if I can do it with both" so she tries, sure enough she gets a cramp in her hips and can't move. Just then Harry comes out of the bathroom without his eyeglasses on looks over at the bed and says. " Edith you could of at least left you teeth in and comb your hair you look like an asshole"