The tears that form

Life never makes sense as we sit back and remember how we got where we are now. I knew for many years my oldest daughter would die young and now that she has been gone 2 years this Friday, March 19th, I feel I am experiencing her death for the first time.

When neicy disappeared from her camp site and her body found the next day in the lake, I was level-headed, easy temperament, calm, and acted as though it was just another day handling her many traumas. As the months went by and July came, the month of her 1st wedding anniversary, suddenly I was hit with a wrecking ball and have never been the same since.

I spoke with her daily; I even experienced with my senses one afternoon in the side yard, out of the blue, there she was and I became excited and held onto that moment for months to come. She never did this again and it was a cold shock to my ego.

What saddens me now is the total distance her spouse has become; he indeed is moving on which I am glad for him. But I miss him and his children and I think I missed Denise being among them as well. Today is his birthday and how my heart aches that I am not a part of his life.

I thought about it a while back that this distance is necessary to heal our hearts and minds separately as the pain is that much and it is not just with me or him, but for everyone connected to Denise she knew over the years. To feel their sorrow is a great burden to carry and include it with my own.

My son-in-law is in love again and good for him. In fact the doors opened for many who were connected with Denise as I have heard or seen something relevant. Some of those doors are not happy ones but necessary for peace to exist. So, I feel I am mourning the loss of four people and several critters and cannot seem to see how all of this is making me a better person. I honestly do not know how the people in Haiti can handle their immense loss, some losing entire families and being among people who will end up becoming family because of the shared life stories.

The tears that form on and off today are just reminders of how important it is to love completely, unconditionally and without prejudice and judgment. We never know when our last message will be with a loved one until it becomes as such.

My heart goes out to everyone in this board who is living through bereavement. I have had many heart breaks and I can tell you, the pain will ease up in time. Write about it, sing about it, create a tune or paint a picture. Whatever your talent is, let your talent be a healing mechanism in your lives. If you think you do not have talent, consider chatting with someone at the grocery line, in an elevator, or anywhere. The point I am sharing is love again - love completely, unconditionally and without prejudice and judgment and you will see your broken heat mended. It is what I do everyday because I really, really miss my daughter more now.

What a way you have with words! As lame as it may sond - I am sorry for your loss. The loss of a child must be the most gut wrenching experience for a person to go through.

Thankfully my two sons are healthy. My son's best friend committed suicide 4 years ago this May. He was like a 3rd son to me and truly a member of the family. I still think of him often and still cry about it at times.