The Blog: Fifty NBA Wishes

What’s good, basketball fans?

I apologise for the tardiness of this edition of The Blog, but I’ve been busy interviewing a streetball legend. Who? You’ll have to wait until Friday evening to find out.

For now, we’ll be dealing with the second piece in a series I’ve named “Articles That Diminish My Credibility As a Writer”. Today we look at the fifty things I’d most like to see in the NBA this coming year. If you haven’t guessed, I can’t wait for the season to begin.

Let’s get right into it.

I’d like to see Steve Nash swat a shot into the stands.

I’d like to see Tim Duncan with a ‘fro.

I’d like to see Yao with cornrows.

I’d like to see Antoine Walker pass up an open three.

I’d like to see Antoine Walker pass up any three.

I’d like to see Deke wave the finger at least once a game.

I’d like to see Freddy Weis make the league just to watch his reaction when he plays against the Nets.

I’d like to see Ron Artest wear an “I (heart) David Stern” shirt.

I’d like to see David Stern wear an “I (heart) Ron Artest” shirt.

I’d like to see someone pretend to throw a cup at Ron Artest.

I’d like to see David Stern throw a cup at Ron Artest.

I’d like to see Reggie Miller sitting in the stands with Spike Lee.

I’d like to see Darko Milicic. You know, just to confirm that he exists.

I’d like to see Grant Hill and Jay Williams share stories about Duke and horrific injuries.

I’d like to see Greg Ostertag wear a headband and long socks. On second thoughts, scratch that.

I’d like to see Shawn Marion shoot a regular jumpshot just to mess with our heads.

I’d like to see what Amaré Stoudemire’s layup looks like. I’ve witnessed (and that is the word) the jumper and the dunk, but nothing in between.

I’d like to see Damon Stoudamire hold the ball above Earl Boykins’ head just to prove that there’s someone smaller than he is.

I’d like to see Shaq and Kobe hug one another.

I’d like to see them make faces as they do it.

I’d like to see San Antonio crash and burn.

I’d like to see San Antonio dominate.

I’d like to see Rafer Alston play like “Skip” again.

I’d like to see Vlade in the commentary box.

I’d like to see Shawn Bradley. No real reason, except for that the guy is hilarious to look at.

I’d like to see Stephen Jackson show up for training camp with a Mike Tyson-style face tattoo to confirm his insanity.

I’d like to see a foreign-born player curse in their native tongue on national television.

I’d like to see Mike D’Antoni move during a game.

I’d like to see Jeff Van Gundy in the middle of another bench-clearing brawl.

I’d like to see New Orleans – the team and the city – succeed in their rebuilding efforts.

I’d like to see Hakeem come back and show the kids how it’s done.

I’d like to see Rodman come back and show the kids how it is done, but shouldn’t be.

I’d like to see Hova unveil the future home for the Brooklyn Nets in the middle of Marcyville.

I’d like to see arena officials post health warnings every time the Hawks or Hornets wear their yellow uniforms.

I’d like to see LeBron dunk Damon Jones now that they’re on the same team. He already dunked on him (and then some), so now the next step would be to palm Damon’s head and hurl him through the rim.

I’d like to see to see my boy Yuta Tabuse (signed today by the Clippers) tear it up next year.

I’d like to see Li’l’ Penny pimp-slap Miles Thirst.

I’d like to see more third-rate players make third-person references.

I’d like to see Penny follow Grant Hill’s lead and make it back to the All-Star game.

I’d like to see Richard Jefferson bite someone with those teeth of his.

I’d like to see someone kick Bruce Bowen in his face to show him how it feels.

I’d like to see Doug Christie hug a cheerleader in front of his wife.

I’d like to see Doug Christie’s wife subsequently beat him in front of the entire stadium for doing so.

I’d like to see Lindsey Hunter dunk again so that I can know for sure that it happened.

I’d like to see the Bobcats smack some playoff-calibre teams around.

I’d like to see Zeke propose the deal that finally brings out the men in white coats.

I’d like to see a European record a rap album.

I’d like to see K.G. cry for the right reasons.

I’d like to see the haters give it up for a day, only to realise that things are no fun without them.

I’d like to see Pavel Podkolzine step up and fill the space in my heart Gheorghe left when he retired.

As always, you can reach me with your comments, questions and suggestions via email (CY.Ellis@HoopsVibe.com) or the box below. Until tomorrow’s edition, take it easy.