Friday, July 25, 2014

This morning I went through the Edinburgh Fringe Festival brochure with a marker pen. I wasn’t circling shows I wanted to see. I was drawing beards and glasses on Lucy Porter, Jojo Sutherland and Zoe Lyons. By the time I was finished they looked like Mumford and Sons.

Lucy (white wine), JoJo (lager) and Zoe (white wine, lager or whatever’s handy) are three of my favourite comedians. I would definitely recommend you catch them this August because they are all on the game. Sorry! I mean “they are all on the TOP OF THEIR game”.

Plus you get the bonus of visiting 3 different venues: The Stand Comedy Club, The Beehive Inn and The Gilded Balloon. And that’s half the fun of the Festival, isn’t it? Discovering all the hot, damp, badly ventilated rooms. Hey, nothing says FESTIVAL quite like a bacterial incubator. Boom-Tish!

And Otiz Cannelloni’s “History of Magic”!! Otiz is one of my all-time favourite acts. He’s joyfully stupid with a fantastic deadpan delivery. If you’re aged anywhere between 5 and 105, go see this show. Take the kids. Take the whole family. Dig up a couple of dead relatives. They’ll all enjoy it. I can quite confidently say “if you can name a better comedy/magic show that runs from the 1st to 17th August at 10.45am anywhere else of York Place, I won’t believe you because you’re lying.”

And there’s some great comedians at The Assembly Rooms on George Street. I’ll definitely be going along to see Nick Revell, Scott Capurro and Andrew Maxwell. Or as I call them ‘two tops and a bottom’.

Imagine being a fly on that dressing room wall. I wonder if it’s too late to get a camera crew and sell that as a reality show? “The Battle of the Divas”. I’ll bet Channel 5 would buy it.

Speaking of Comedy Divas…I like the sound of Abi Roberts “Musical CID” (Gilded Balloon). With her blonde hair, large chest and filthy song lyrics, Abi is everything a young gay man could ever hope to be. From what I can gather, “Musical CID” is a comedy confessional show where Abi interviews guest comedians about their favourite songs and videos. It’s shows like this and Viv Groskop’s “The Night I Died” (Bob’s Bookshop) that make the Festival such an exciting playground for comics. They both offer a real chance for comedians to come off-script and let the comedy go to places they didn’t expect.

Who else has caught my eye? Well, I’m looking forward to seeing visiting American comedian/storyteller Tom Shillue - he’s a friend of a friend and comes highly recommended. And Tom has his own Twitter page, so he must be good.

Every year I recommend Keir McAllister and Vladimir McTavish (“Aye Right? How No?”, Assembly Rooms, 6.30pm) and this year is no different. And I will recommend Keir & Vladimir next year, and the year after that, and the year after that. In fact I will keep on recommending them until they get it right.

This year Keir and Vladimir are tackling the Scottish Independence Referendum … which is a bit like an amateur version of “Britain’s Got Talent” but without the singing. Or the dead relatives. Or the talent.

Speaking of Scotsmen who drink too much… Gary Little is tipped as the next BIG THING in Scottish comedy. Search “Gary Little dancing story” on YouTube and you’ll see why he’s so highly rated. I’ve worked with him several times and he never fails to nail BIG laughs. (Although let’s be honest, he has trouble following me - because while Gary brings the Comedy, I bring the complete package: Comedy, Style and Modesty.)

Gary’s at The Stand Comedy Club, as is Gavin Webster. Another of my favourite stand-ups. I make a point of seeing Gavin every year. He’s refreshingly honest and I always leave his shows thinking, “Why didn’t I think of that?”.

If there was an award for “Best Show Title” Gavin would walk away with it. “All Young People Are Cunts” (2011)“Bill Hick’s Wasn’t Very Good” (2012)“Don’t Give Any Money To Comic Relief And Other Opinions” (2013)And this year…?“A Controversial Title In Order To Sell Tickets” (2014).

OK, that’s enough about The Stand. Apparently there are shows in other venues. Who knew?

Aidan Goatley is back at The Voodoo Rooms with his fantastic heart-warming show “10 Films With My Dad”.

I love the Voodoo Rooms. They’re dark and Gothic and glamorous and glitzy. It’s a bit like doing a gig in Liza Minnelli’s vagina. And I like Aidan. Although one day I’d like to see him really stretch-out as a performer and tackle “10 Hard Core Porn Films I Watched With My Grandmother”.

And don’t forget, “10 Films With My Dad” is part of the wonderful Free Fringe. That’s right. It’s FREE! So please, please, please, pretend to put some money in the collection box at the end of the show.

So many shows. So many decisions to make.

Do I go to “Late’n’ Live” (Gilded Balloon, 1am) or “Hate’n’ Live” (Espionage, 11pm)?Do I go to “Best of Irish Comedy” (Stand Comedy Club, 6pm) or “Best of Singapore Comedy” (The Counting House, 8.45pm)?Do I go to “Best of the Fest” (Assembly Hall, 11.55pm) or “Very Best of the Fest” (Assembly Rooms, 11.55pm)?

Seriously, what is a girl supposed to do?

In the end I probably won’t go to any of them. Unless they ask me to take part. Fingers-crossed The Counting House has my phone number.

And where do I even begin to start with Bruce Fummey?

Do I go to Bruce’s pro-independence comedy show “Aaah’m Voting Yes” (The Beehive, 6.40pm) or do I go to Bruce’s anti-independence comedy show “Aaah’m Voting No” (Espionage, 9.45pm)?

He’s a smart lad that Bruce Fummey. Last year he performed a show in Gaelic. Yeah - funny, educational, and bilingual. What a clever bastard.

And Mick Ferry! Let’s not forget Mick Ferry. Mick won the “Best UK Live Stand-Up” award last year. Yes, that’s how good he is. I worked with him just a couple of days ago and he was absolutely brilliant! His new show, “What’s Going On?”, is on at Just The Tonic at The Community Project. I think it’s a new venue. Part of the Old Kirk on Candlemaker Row.

One of my fondest memories from last year’s Fringe was walking into CC Blooms for late night drink and finding a bare-chested Mick Ferry, swinging his Harrington jacket round his head, dancing to Rednex’s “Cotton Eyed Joe”. For a big lad, that boy can really move.

Of course it’s not all comedy - I’m also going to see Mitch Benn. Oh relax. I’m joking. I’m not going to see Mitch Benn.

A couple of plays have caught my eyes. I like a bit of theatre coz I is nuffink if not a fuckin’ classy bird. And I’m a big fan of Tony Hancock so I’ll make a point of catching “Hancock’s Last Half Hour” by Heathcote Williams (Assembly Rooms, 12 noon)

Why would I want to see a play about a down-on-their-luck alcoholic comedian, committing suicide in an Australian hotel room? Well change Australian hotel room to the Jongluers Portsmouth dressing room and it all becomes obvious.

Anyway, it’s a Festival. Come on, let’s get upbeat again. Do you want to have fun? I can’t hear you. I said, “Do you want to HAVE FUN?” YES, yes of course you do. Well answer me this, does anything say GOOD TIMES more than a series of spoken word performances?

That’s right. Warren Lakin and Mike McCarthy are back at The Assembly Rooms with a whole smorgasbord of writers, thinkers, drinkers and modern philosophers. PARTY ON DUDES!

Mary Beard, Steve Richards, Simon Singh, John O’Farrell, Richard (“Is he or isn’t he?”) Wiseman, and Owen (“Chavs: The Demonization of the Working Class”) Jones… Each one is an hour that’s guaranteed to make you sit up and think.I’m especially looking forward to Tanya Bryon’s “The Skeleton Cupboard: The Making Of A Clinical Psychologist”, where Tanya shares powerful stories from her years of training as a clinical psychologist and highlights the struggles of patients and staff alike on the journey from chaos to clarity. I don’t actually know anything about psychology, I just want to ask Tanya where she gets her hair done.

Apart from that… I suppose this year we’ll see another bunch of “Are women funny?” articles. That seems to be the easiest article for a bad journalist to write. That or “I'm a reviewer and I decided to try standup comedy”. Who gives a fuck? I really find those articles insulting. They are the equivalent of me saying, “I'm going to give journalism a try”. Actually I did give it a try. I wrote this. And you know what? It was a piece of piss.

All you need is a pen and notebook and a deep-seated hatred for anyone funnier than yourself.

Monday, July 14, 2014

“CANCEL MY SUBSCRIPTION” is pure stand-up comedy. There are no gimmicks - simply Jo Caulfield and her biting acerbic tongue. This is the show for anyone who has ever wanted to scream: “Please shut up - YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT!”

Audiences can expect razor-sharp observations and scandalous one-liners as Jo Caulfield shares her opinions on everything from women who always pick the wrong partner and men who continually quote gangster films, to families arguing on trains and the growth of passive-aggressive corporate friendliness.

Jo also confesses to a romantic break that almost ended in divorce, re-enacts the world’s WORST birthday party and explains why her husband could never be a serial killer.

And the show will be finished by 8.05pm so we can all go for drinks afterwards.

Or let's ditch the show and go for drinks instead??

“Many of the points Jo Caulfield makes about the human condition would have sociologists stroking their beards in admiration, but her audiences tend to be laughing too much to notice" - The Times.

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

I'm a guest on "Abi Roberts' Musical CID" at the Edinburgh Festival this August.

FRIDAY 8th AUGUST - 12.30pm - GILDED BALLOON

Abi's show is all abut music and the guests favourite records/songs/videos/etcI filled in this questionnaire for it...What music do you first remember listening to when you were a child?

Kids TV theme tunes: especially The Double Deckers. They lived in a bus, in London. I lived in London. I wanted to live in a bus.

Josie & The Pussycats cartoon theme. I wanted to be the blonde drummer.

What was the first single/album/CD you bought?

Single: Long Haired Lover From Liverpool by Jimmy Osmond.

Album: It was either The Police, The Slits or Talking Heads. I want to say Slits, but probably The Police.

CD: I didn’t have a CD player for ages. I had 1000’s of cassettes. 1st CD was The Pretenders Greatest Hits.

What was the song you had your first kiss to or the song that was the background music to your first date/love affair?

Please Don’t Go by KC & The Sunshine Band

What is or was the music you get ready to for a night out?

Groove Is In The Heart by Deee-Lite

Ride On Time by Black Box

What’s your favourite music video?

I didn’t really watch MTV. I was into the Rockabilly scene. I played drums VERY BADLY in a Rockabilly band. We were like The Cramps. But without the songs. Or the talent.

Prince Charming by Adam & The Ants. I liked the dance routine.

Most Madonna videos - as a waitress we’d dance around to them in the restaurant.

What’s your least favourite music video?

Hello by Lionel Richie. The weird pervy bloke stalking the blind girl. There was something deeply strange about that.

Michael Jackson. All of them. I thought his dancing was ridiculous. I only liked the early Jackson 5 stuff.

What is your “guilty pleasure” music on your IPod? (what song/artist would you NOT want your mates to know you listened to?)

Don’t have any. Don’t believe in ‘guilty pleasure’. You either like it or you don’t. You wouldn’t say that about food: “Spinach is my guilty pleasure, don’t tell anyone” … or footwear: “I’m so ashamed to admit this but I like Clarks black patent leather pumps”. Makes no sense to me.

What music/songs get you in the mood or fire you up on the way to a gig (on your IPod/car stereo etc)?

Anything loud and noisy. Anything that gets the adrenaline flowing.

The Ramones.

Love Is All Around by Joan Jett. (Brilliant cover of Mary Tyler Moore TV show theme tune)

Cruel To Be Kind by Letters To Cleo. (Harder, faster version of Nick Lowe song)

If you were doing the O2 arena, what music would you walk on to?

Mr Big Stuff by Jean Knight.

I don’t like big guitar riff’s, then a comedian coming out and saying “Hello…”. I feel let down and want the music to keep playing.

If you had to rescue just ONE album from a fire, what album would it be and what track would you play?

I’d rescue London Calling by The Clash and play Train In Vain.

Or I’d rescue everything by The Rolling Stones. Everything!

What’s your favourite lyrics in a song and in your opinion?

“I will give you my finest hour, the one I spent watching you shower, I will give you my finest hour, oh yeah.All I want is a photo in my wallet, a small remembrance of something more solid, all I want is a picture of you” - Picture This by Blondie.

I listen to a lot of Lou Reed and Biggie Smalls. They have great lyrics.

If you were single and fancied someone, what 3 tracks would you put on a mix-tape for that person?

1) If I Can’t Have You by Yvonne Elliman.

2) Every Breath You Take by The Police.

3) Stan by Eminem.

That would say: ‘I’m available and interested, with just the correct hint of threatening menace’. Reject me at your peril.

About Me

Jo Caulfield is one of the most successful and instantly recognisable comedians in the UK.
Jo has been nominated as "Funniest Woman" (LAFTA Awards), "Best Female Stand-Up" (Chortle Awards) and one of "The 100 Greatest Stand-Ups" (Channel4).
The Guardian calls her “Scathing, bitchy and intelligent with masses of attitude", while The Observer advocates "Jo Caulfield is an inspiration to all would-be female comedians".
A regular guest on "Mock The Week", “Have I Got News For You” and “Never Mind The Buzzcocks”, Jo is also the star of her own critically acclaimed Radio 4 comedy show “It’s That Jo Caulfield Again”.
“Many of the points Jo Caulfield makes about the human condition would have sociologists stroking their beards in admiration, but her audiences tend to be laughing too much to notice” – The Times.
“Pick of the day. Scathing, bitchy and sharp-witted comedy” – Radio Times.