If you're not, it's perhaps more aptly summed up as the contest to see which game's highlights come last on Match Of The Day.

Still, that's never stopped Sky from tooting like a triumphant trumpeter about various Super Sundays, Saturdays and, hey, even Mondays whenever they feel the need, so we'll do the same here. Coming up, for your delectation, is a casual minute-by-minute on the thrill-a-minute Stoke v Wigan. Following that, will be ill-informed comment on the rest of the 3pm kick-offs that shape up like this:

12.44pm: At the Britannia stadium, all the stewards have just been asked to change their orange hi-vis jackets for yellow ones, meaning that Wigan are presumably playing in their dazzling orange shirts. They look fairly confused about matters. The stewards that is, I'm not sure the Wigan players care.

12.48pm: A prediction? Stoke City 1-0 Wigan. That's based entirely on the fact that Stoke's players won't be hungover because they won't have been partying it up earlier this week at the Christmas party they were forbidden from attending by their Humbug-yelling manager. The Wigan manager, Robert Martinez, however, was out earlier this week, having been included into Alex Ferguson's cabal of managers he
has tucked in his pocket
is friends with and who he took out to dinner. Also included were Sam Allardyce and David Moyes. Make of that what you will.

Right, here comes kick-off.

12.52pm: A long-throw from Delap goes straight to Kirkland on his goal-line. That's the closest we've come to what's more normally known as 'action'. Here's our man at the ground Mikey Stafford, freezing his little fingers off in Stoke.

"Following on from Pulis and Beattie's Christmas Carol last week I can confirm my Dickensian fingerless gloves are out. I thought you would like to know Tom, there in your cosy, warm office," he shivers. "Tuncay Sanli gets only his second start for Stoke as Pulis tries to bring sexy football to the Britannia – however Glenn Whelan and Liam Lawrence are absent from a muscular midfield. Super Saturday is about to commence ..."

12.54pm: Whitehead sends the ball just wide of the left-hand post after taking a shot from just inside the area. It's all been Stoke so far. Although, to be fair, the word Stoke could be exchanged for another word beginning with s.

12.58pm: Wigan spend a good long time lining up a free-kick. Three of them stand over it, deliberating who will take the strike, which is in the middle 10 yards outside the Stoke area. The referee tinkers with the wall, the players check their laces, the tension mounts. Then Gomez plants it into the wall half a foot off the ground.

1pm: There's a reason Andy Gray is in the elevated position of Sky's chief football pundit and I'm sat here typing as if cranked on speed. It's for the sort of analysis that allows him to say, as Rory Delap takes a towel to dry the ball, things like: "He's drying the ball to get it as dry as possible". I just hope that one day, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, I'll be able to work that sort of stuff out.

1.03pm: "I'd love to see Wigan in orange play Chelsea in their yellow outfit," writes Marcin Kaminski. "It might break my retina though." It would also give the stewards a real head ache. What on earth colour would their hi-viz jackets be? Pink?

1.03pm: You can, of course, get auto-updates of this here report. Well, you can now I've turned the doo-hickey on.

1.05pm: Is that a goal? Rodallega got onto the end of a swinging free-kick which Sorenson saved brilliantly, however Boyce followed up and bundled the ball into the back of the net. No-one seems to know whether it's a goal or not, though, since Sorensen and Boyce have gone down in a heap clutching various body parts and no-one has celebrated.

1.06pm Yes! Yes it is a goal. Stoke 0-1 Wigan.

1.08pm: After scoring that goal, Emerson Boyce has wandered off the pitch, injured, to much bum-patting and "Well done Boycey" from his bench. They haven't replaced him yet, so presumably he'll come back on. What are the rules on that? How long is he allowed to be treated for. I should probably know. I don't though. So there.

1.10pm: You can, of course, email in about the rest of today's 3pm kick-offs, if you so wish. Here, for example, is Kevin Porter, doing just that: "Wolves' plight has deepened to the extent where any result from this game is bad for us. Is there any sign of either side fielding ineligible players, perhaps?"

1.15pm: The tackles are flying in at the Britannia, and the boos have been ringing out around the ground in consequence. Boyce is back on the pitch, too. Wigan look like they have the ability to catch Stoke on the break and, oddly enough, are giving their massive defence problems in the air.

1.16pm: Another Delap long throw causes problems in the box, which Ricardo Fuller heads powerfully, but wide of the target.

1.20pm: "Re. 1pm What! You are typing this?" emails Michael Vallance, who appears to believe these delicately worded missives arrive by magic. He adds: "Try dictation software ... and train it to recognise Andy Gray's voice too." But then you'd just be watching Sky Sports, rather than my typo-ridden, ill-observed, humourless nonsense. Oh.

1.22pm: The goalkeepers are getting a real pasting in this game. After Sorensen was bundled into by Boyce, now Kirkland gets nailed. Stoke launch the ball forwards in the most Route One way possible. It bounces in the Wigan penalty area and, as Kirkland comes out to claim, Tuncay simply runs past the ball and barges the keeper. Whether it was deliberate or not, is unclear. If it was, it was a terrible foul. If it wasn't, the man simply has no spatial awareness and James Beattie must be wondering quite why he's not out there. Well, apart from the obvious reason.

1.24pm: Wigan really should have had a penalty there. Scharner was having his shirt tugged, his shoulders leaned on and his head pushed by (I think) Robert Huth as he tried to get on the end of a free-kick into the box. Mike Dean completely ignored the indiscretion.

1.27pm: Fuller makes a pig's ear of it in the box. The ball is played into his feet and rather than simply trap it and shoot, he proceeds to step over it, step round it and then gets tackled. Ah - no matter though, moments later Tuncay is played in along the left and, from a tight angle, he slams the ball into the back of the net. Rightly, he should probably have crossed, so that's an excellent finish. Stoke 1-1 Wigan.

1.30pm: Tuncay's got his pecker up, which is the sort of expression you could get away with in the 1950s but probably not so much anymore. I mean it in the 1950s sense, obviously, the other meaning is not something any of us should be thinking about now. Anyway, the point is, he's just connected with a Delap long throw to slam an overhead kick at the keeper. That was a combination of the prosaic and the poetic. The kick. Not his pecker.

1.31pm: N'Zogbia hits a long-range free-kick a foot wide of the Stoke posts. Good effort.

1.34pm: Tuncay gets a yellow card for a second handball. The player, though, says the ball hit his chest. That is The News.

1.36pm: A half-time score from Scotland Motherwell 2-1 Celtic, where Mark Reynolds has scored on the stroke of half-time for Motherwell. There's four minute of extra time at the Britannia, incidentally. Which puts me four minutes from the sandwich I'm going to get as soon as the whistle blows.

1.40pm: Fuller blasts a shot into the carpark from several miles out. He smiles, as if this all just a jolly jape, but really he should be lying prostrate on the ground cursing his right foot, his mother and father for providing him with the genes to grow it, and with life in general for the series of circumstances that led to him deciding to shoot in the first place. And with it comes half-time and a sandwich for me. Talk among yourselves.

Quickly, in the snooker, Higgins has won the first frame and, as my colleague Scott Murray informs me, he's "in among the balls" in the second frame.

1.49pm: After getting in among the balls, Higgins has played a scrappy second frame in the snooker. I'm paraphrasing Scott Murray, clearly. If I start watching the snooker, I'll be hypnotised by it and will spend the rest of the afternoon staring aimlessly at the screen, with that nagging feeling I should be doing something else, yet can't quite drag myself away from the balls.

1.53pm: I'm afraid I haven't seen any of the Celtic game, so here's what the Press Association's match reporter makes of the first half - well, the bits where they scored goals.

"Mark Reynolds' late goal gave Motherwell the interval lead over Celtic in their Clydesdale Bank Premier League clash at Fir Park.Hoops striker Georgios Samaras, who had earlier struck the bar, put the home side ahead in the 14th minute with a fine drive.Celtic threatened to blow the home side away but Lukas Jutkiewicz levelled when he flicked in a Robert McHugh cross at the near post and Reynolds got the second moments before the break from a Tom Hateley free-kick."

1.55pm: There appears to be someone either para-gliding or parachuting somewhere near the Britannia Stadium. Whether or not he's aiming for the stadium itself, though, is unclear. Given that the teams are back on the pitch, though, he better get on with it. Wigan, however, have only sent 10 players onto the pitch. Is that deliberate?

1.57pm: The player missing is Emerson Boyce who appears to have injured himself coming back onto the pitch. He's replaced by Scott Sinclair, eventually, meaning Scharner will have to go back into defence.

Higgins is 2-0 up and Scott tells me, "Ronnie O'Sullivan is sitting in his chair with that look on his face where he's trying to kid on that he doesn't give on. Possibly because he doesn't."

2pm: "Congratulations on your financial windfall earlier in the match. Emails like that provided evidence of collateral sufficient for the loans that led to Dubai's expansion," writes Ian Copestake. "So stop MBMing and go and build yourself hotel in the shape of a football." He's got a point.

2.01pm: I'll be honest. There's not much happening.

2.04pm: I say nothing's happening but that's untrue. Nothing much is happening on the pitch. In the stands, a man dressed as Father Christmas has just been led away by the police for constantly winding up the away support and flicking the Vs at them. He has a spider-web tattooed on his hand, which means he is perhaps not the sort of Father Christmas to whom you'd want to lead your kids in a darkly-lit grotto.

2.06pm: Scharner heads the ball across the face of the goal having engineered himself some space in the box at a corner. A good chance that, which he earned from his own industry in the box. Good stuff. Wigan are on top at the moment. It's Motherwell 2-2 Celtic now, incidentally.

2.11pm: Stoke are very nearly in, perhaps having just read my last entry and taking offence. Fuller slides the ball across goal and it was definitely a shot. However, Tuncay nearly gets on the end of said shot to tap it in and, as Fuller notices him do that, he tries to make out it was a pass. It wasn't though. And we all know it. In Scotland, Celtic have just been awarded a penalty and have missed it. In the snooker it's Higgins 2-1 O'Sullivan.

2.14pm: Salif Diao is off Glenn Whelan is on. Scharner, has been carded for a ludicrous tackle that could have earned him a red. Meanwhile, if you've been wondering where Gary Naylor is - and how can you not be? - he's in Azerbaijan. God knows why. Still, he's not forgotten us:

"Greetings from the shores of the Caspian Sea, where I am drinking excellentAzerbaijani beer and following news from home. I'm also about the rightdistance from Stamford Bridge considering Everton's chances. I've a free day inBaku tomorrow, so do MBMers have any advice as to how to spend it?," he asks.

2.22pm: Etherington plays in a brilliant cross to Whelan. The winger was halfway inside the Wigan half when he curled the ball to the penalty spot. Whelan, stretching, couldn't get his shot on target, though. Should have done better. A minute later, Tuncay fires another shot at goal which probably would have gone in but for the toe of Scharner, who puts in a block which takes the ball over the cross bar.

2.23pm GOAL! And what a goal! Figueroa scores a quick free kick from the halfway line!

2.24pm: He spotted Sorenson off his line and, while everyone had their back turned, he just hoofed it goalwards, neatly looping the ball over the keeper. It was so casual! A brilliant goal and Wigan's first shot on target in the second half. Stoke 1-2 Wigan.

2.25pm: Stoke are level! Stoke 2-2 Wigan. Shawcross attacks a corner and heads it into the back of the net. Kirkland came out and flapped in no man's land, leaving his goal completely empty. Shawcross has the simplest of tasks and just tucks the ball home.

2.27pm: Andy Wilkinson just puts in the mother of all reducers on Mario Melchiot and somehow only gets a yellow for it. That was a nasty, studs-up lunge and, really, he should be off.In Scotland, Fortune has come on as a sub for Celtic and immediately fired the ball into the top corner. Motherwell 2-3 Celtic.

2.31pm: Etherington puts in a superb ball which Tuncay can't quite reach. That was a fantastic delivery that deserved more.

2.32pm: "Good to see Fergie entering into the spirit of the season despite his injury worries," writes Ian Copestake. "Your photo is of the Manchester United Christmas party at which the team finally met its new back four, right?"

James Beattie is coming on and Fuller must be the man to come off. He's just made another hash of things, a feat he followed up by planting the ball onto the face of some poor chap in Row Z.

2.35pm: A recommendation for Gary Naylor. One that he'd do well to take note of, too, given the nature of the second sentence. "After spending three years on Baku I can recommend O'Reilly's all day English breakfast," writes a man known only as 'Bing'. "I would advise you to stay away from the Whore Ship in the docks for obvious reasons."

2.37pm: At the Britannia Stadium, it's getting a touch frantic as both teams battle to get the winner. Both teams could get one too, the way things are going. Though, to be strict, if both teams get a winner, neither of them will actually be winners, but you know what I'm saying. I hope.

2.40pm: PENALTY! But it shouldn't have been. Gomez is a mile offside, but gets brought down by Huth as the Wigan player ran onto a through-ball. The foul deserved a penalty, but since Gomez was offside, it shouldn't have been given. Rodallega ambles up to the ball, pauses, then rolls the ball gently at Sorensen, who saves with a look of utter derision at Rodallega's effort.

2.43pm: Wigan have gone shot-crazy. They have had three good efforts from a variety of distances, all dealt with well by the Stoke defence. This game is actually quite exciting. Perhaps because the quality is a little low but the frenzy is high.

2.46pm: How have Wigan not scored? Utterly frantically, they've been lashing the ball goalwards at every chance and, have just been awarded a free-kick on the edge of the area that could have been another penalty. They hit three further shots - all blocked - and the referee brings what became an exciting game to a close. Stoke City 2-2 Wigan Athletic.

2.51pm: Some predictions gleaned from the assorted hacks lounging around the sports desk. The person who gets the most right - on a three points for predicting the correct score, one point for predicting the correct result (win, lose or draw) - stands to win all of the sweepstake pot. The sweepstake jackpot stands at £8. That's eight whole pounds. That'll more than triple my wages for the day.

2.52pm: "Higgins and O'Sullivan are playing some of the worst snooker I've ever seen," splutters snooker commentator Scott Murray. "I'd be ashamed of some of those shots if I was playing." It's still Higgins 3-1 O'Sullivan.

2.56pm: Some things to do if you find yourself in Baku on a Saturday night in December:

"Olimpik-Shuvalan are playing Inter Baku at the Shafa Stadium in the Azerbaijani League tomorrow if Gary Naylor is interested," writes Kevin Porter.

"Gary could go see The State carpet museum if he has time. He probably has it booked already but I thought I'd email just in case," adds Kevin O'Connor.

Meanwhile Elliot Jacobs has emailed in something very funny, which I can't print. I'm not sure my potential £8 winnings will cover the legal fees. It was very funny though.

2.58pm: Everton's supporters are a worried bunch. Here's Damon McMenamin: "In a bar in Tokyo at the moment with the Everton supporters club. There must be 50 worried Toffees here hoping they won't come unstuck." While Mavis Cruet, who has the sort of name that should grace either a Dickens novel or a Disney film, asks: "David Moyes is trying to pen back Chelsea's maraudering wingers with a 4-4-2. Stroke of genius or about to leave us short in the middle and getting spanked? Any thoughts?"

Spanked.

2.59pm: Some news that I've nicked off the wires. David Beckham says he wants to play at the 2014 World Cup, despite the fact he's not exactly guaranteed a spot at the 2010 one.

"The 2014 World Cup? We'll see," he said in an interview with the Italian magazine Sportsweek. "I'd like to play until I'm 40 and take part in another World Cup, but at this age you have to evaluate things year after year."

Good luck.

3.03pm: For no other reason than a goalflash has just popped up and I've had to read the team name twice to make sure, is there any more ridiculous a football club moniker than Technogroup Welshpool. They're currently 2-1 down at Rhyl, and they deserve to be if they're going to go around thinking that's an acceptable thing to call a football club.

In the snooker, Higgins has fought back from 38 points down to, erm, 34 points down in the fifth frame but can go on and win it from here.

3.04pm: GOAL! Spurs 0-1 Wolves. Kevin Doyle with the goal in the third minute. That means Scott Murray is the only person who can win that game in our Race To Eight Quid predictions game. Rhyl are now 3-1 up against Technogroup Welshpool. Good.

3.06pm: Fulham's Damien Duff tries to chip the Burnley keeper but gets it wrong, next Nevland tries to beat Jensen but The Beast denies him too.

3.07pm: Higgins has won that frame, he's now 4-1 up against O'Sullivan, who really should have won there.

3.08pm: Newcastle are a goal up against Barnsley, Kevin Nolan put the ball away in the sixth minute. In the Premier League at the KC Stadium, Samba has just hit one over the bar as Blackburn travel to Hull.

3.09pm: A chance for Everton: Jo got on the end of a cross and gave Petr Cech a worrying moment. The Chelsea keeper manages to claim the ball though.

3.11pm: "Did you know that Setanta still exists here in Canada?" emails Mike de Vries in, erm, Canada. "It also happens to be the only way to get an interesting match on television. Mind you in order to actually watch the channel you have to order the Super Extreme Maximum Package and then pay about $15 for Setanta on top of that. Being of more modest means I'm forced to watch whatever match the less-than-premium sports channel can scrounge up. Today its Bolton v City. Less than exciting. With that said I'm depending entirely on yourself to keep me updated on the more interesting matches."

I thought Bolton v City was the interesting match. Well, that and Rhyl v Technogroup Welshpool.

3.13pm:GOAL! Chelsea 0-1 Everton. Saha gets above Carvalho and nods it onto the post, from where it bounces out and onto Petr Cech's back and goes into the goal. A slightly silly own goal, then.

3.14pm: GOAL! Klasnic has just scored from an offside position for Bolton against Manchester City. Bolton 1-0 Manchester City.

3.16pm: The three early goals in the Premier League mean that our predictions, basically, are now all nonsense. Only Scott Murray can get three points from the Spurs v Wolves game, while only Paolo Bandini can get three points at Bolton v Manchester City. Oh dear.

3.17pm: Everton are playing very well at Stamford Bridge. David Moyes's decision to use two men up front seems to have caught Chelsea by surprise and Jo and Saha are causing the defence plenty of problems. Drogba has looked good too, though, which could be ominous. Well, if you're an Everton fan.

3.18pm:GOAL! Drogba scores. Chelsea 1-1 Everton. Lampard laid the ball off on the edge of the box and, on the spin, the Ivorian slams the ball home.

3.19pm: A rival silly football club name for Technogroup Welshpool: Elements Cefn Druids.

3.20pm: Here's Paul Doyle at Stamford Bridge, in an email he sent before Drogba's equaliser: "So Chelsea have conceded form a set-piece yet again," reports Paul Doyle form Stamdford Bridge. "But that hasn't been their only failing so far – their amorphous midfield has been bettered by the visitors, for whom Fellaini and Rodwell have so far been excellent in the centre and Pienaar, on the right, is continually pegging Ashley Cole back."

Meanwhile, Ballack nearly earns a penalty for Chelsea but the referee decides not to give it.

3.22pm: Here's something you can take down the pub with you tonight: The fastest goal in England was scored by Jonathan Stead (Ipswich) against Blackpool after 0 minutes and 31 seconds. You won't make many friends with that news, but you can still say it anyway.

3.24pm:GOAL! Chelsea 2-1 Everton. Anelka prods the ball into the top of the net. In irony news, Shaun Wright-Phillips has just had to go off for Manchester City after getting a good clobbering in a heavy tackle. Irony, of course, because it's the diminuitive winger who may find himself on the end of a lawsuit for his part in the injury suffered by Dean Ashton, caused - so the striker reckons - from a challenge by Wright-Phillips.

3.25pm:GOAL! Dent scores for Sunderland, lashing the ball into the back of the net and past Portsmouth's David James - but in the reverse order. Sunderland 1-0 Portsmouth.

3.30pm:GOAL! Bolton 1-1 Manchester City. Carlos Tevez scores a wonderful goal. He hits the ball really well and, after it takes it a slight deflection, there's little Jaaskelainen can do about it.

3.31pm: Higgins is now 5-1 up and Ronnie O'Sullivan is now "getting a right hot funk on," according to the man they're calling the new Clive Everton, Scott Murray.

3.33pm: Here's our man Stuart James at St Andrews, where Birmingham are all over West Ham. "Quite a rare sight here - St Andrew's looks to be close to full. With lower ticket prices and a run of six matches without defeat Birmingham have managed to rouse the disillusioned. Let's just hope they've not turned out to see a goal feast. There have been fewer goals scored at St Andrew's this season than any other Premier League ground and the way this game is going that statistic is not under threat today."

3.35pm: "Just noticed something about this season's fixture list. All teams are now playing at home for two games and then away for two games as opposed to the traditional one and one. With your immense footie knowledge do you know why this is?" asks Anthony O'Connell. Do I know why it is? I didn't even know it was true. As for immense footie knowledge. If I had that, do you think I'd be here chopping this nonsense out, rather than, say, doing something useful with my time.

O'Sullivan has gone into snooker meltdown, incidentally. He's now 6-1 down against Higgins.

3.37pm: Tottenham get a good chance against Wolves but fail to tuck it away. They haven't had much of the play, there, which is a surprise. Burnley v Fulham is all huff and puff and little action, while Hull v Blackburn is much the same. Which isn't a surprise.

3.39pm: Disneyland might want to reconsider their decision to twin their theme park with Swindon. They're 3-0 down against Bristol Rovers. Manchester City are getting on top of Bolton now, while Chelsea are apparently all over Everton.

3.41pm: Stephen Hunt sidefoots the ball at Paul Robinson's goal as Hull take on Blackburn, but he doesn't hit the ball with enough power and the former England keeper makes a good save - something he's had do a few times so far this half. It's still Hull City 0-0 Blackburn.

3.43pm: "I am really angry now!!!!" emails Duncan Melville, whose finger has apparently gone into spasm over the exclamation mark. "Silly names is it? Cefn Druids, silly? Cefn Druids are a well established team and their history of winning the Welsh Cup eight times!!! Respect Man!" Yeah, but they're not called Cefn Druids, are they? They're called Elements Cefn Druids. Which is a silly name.

3.46pm:GOAL! Bolton 2-1 Manchester City. A ridiculously curling shot from Gary Cahill, which appeared to be going wide until the last minute ... when it crept inside the top corner.

At White Hart Line, Huddlestone has just missed a decent chance for Spurs, while Defoe has had a good shot blocked.

3.47pm: Birmingham should be a goal up. Ridgewell played in a very good ball, which Cameron Jerome spanked over the bar when it was easier to score than miss. One goal against West Ham, you sense, could see the London club's metaphorical wheels falling off.

3.48pm:GOAL! Bolton 2-2 Manchester City. Micah Richards makes use of Bellamy and Adebayor's approach work to score like a striker. "I don't understand what I'm seeing in City," reckons Mike de Vries, admittedly before that last City goal. "City look better than Bolton which isn't saying much but I just think they play like a team of decently talented strangers. They don't seem to be have any idea what their teammates are going to do. Not sure about the formation either: Adebayor wide right, Bellamy out left and Tevez playing somewhere between the 'D' and the centre circle." It's half-time there now.

3.50pm: It's half time at the Stadium Of Light, where Sunderland are leading 1-0 against Portsmouth, who don't have a striker who has scored away from home this season. As the referee blows his whistle at St Andrews, it's Birmingham 0-0 West Ham.

3.52pm:GOAL! Chelsea 2-2 Everton. Jo has had to come off injured and he's been replaced by Yakubu. He attacks a corner and knocks the ball home. Chelsea are just dreadful at set-pieces this season.

3.58pm: Paul Doyle at Chelsea v Everton has this to say: "Everton's players seemed overcome with indifference when Jo hobbled off injured a moment ago, but the Brazilian's replacement, Yakubu, is clearly more popular. He scored with his first touch (well, his second, since his first touch was to tee up his own shot) - what's more I reckon that's not the last goal Everton will get this afternoon - Chelsea's inability to defend balls into the box has had Carlo Ancelotti shaking his head forlornly for much of this half. It's one thing being beaten in the air by Fellaini, but Terry and Carvahlo are also being regularly outjumped by Saha, who's performing brilliantly."

3.59pm: "Re. 3.46pm: 'A ridiculously curling shot from Gary Cahill, which appeared to be going wide until the last minute ...' The last minute? Just how slow was the ball moving?" asks Sean Moore. Very slowly Sean. It defied science. Like that Roberto Carlos free-kick, only in slowness, rather than bendiness.

4.05pm: "Defence on set pieces had ALWAYS been a problem at Milan when Ancelotti was in charge ... no surprise at all that it's still a problem at Chelsea," reckons Simone Dozio. Paolo Bandini, our resident Italian football expert says, "Hmmm, not really."

4.06pm: Benitez scores for Birmingham but neglects to heed the offside law, so it is ruled out.

4.09pm: "Defending against set-plays has never been worse," writes Gary Naylor in Baku. "Is that because teams spend what little time they have between matches training and not practising? I'm always irked when footballers say, in amazement, of some deadball merchant, 'He'd spend the whole afternoon practising free kicks!' Why don't the others spend the whole afternoon practising defending free kicks?"

He makes a good point. My only worry is that, I'm now not sure that Chelsea did concede from a corner. I only caught it out of the corner oy my eye, and it may just have been a run of the mill cross. Apologies. But then you don't come here for accuracy do you? You do? Oh.

4.11pm:GOAL! Bobby Zamora scores! No news on the celebration though. Let's hope it's a good one. That makes it Burnley 0-1 Fulham, news that has been welcomed by all in the Race For Eight Quid.

4.12pm:GOAL! Lee Bowyer gets on the end of Benitez's through ball. One-on-one with the keeper, he slips it past the keeper for his sixth of the season. Birmingham 1-0 West Ham. In Scotland, Rangers are killing St Johnstone, they're winning 3-0.

4.13pm: Here's Paul Doyle to put me out of my corner/cross misery at Stamford Bridge. "Let me bring you some clarity. Everton's second goal came not from a corner, but a long throw-in."

4.14pm:GOAL!Klasnic scores again for Bolton. It's now Bolton 3-2 Manchester City. Who in their right mind would have predicted that? And it looks as though there are more goal on the way there.

4.16pm: Pity the lot of a poor football writer. You can just feel Stuart James's misery at St Andrews. "The half-time food (cold tomato soup) is as bad as the football," he writes. There's something seething about the sentence.

4.17pm: Dempsey's shot for Fulham is cleared off the line, and Burnley are being tormented by Damien Duff, who is beginning to rediscover those legs that seemed to have deserted him at Newcastle.

4.20pm:GOAL! Burnley 1-1 Fulham, Elliot sidefoots the ball home and that comes as good news to everyone in the Race To Eight Quid.

4.21pm: "Has Roque Santa Cruz yet appeared in a match for Man City?" asks Gene Salorio. "Was Hughes so adamant about buying him - for what was it, something like £18m - just to make sure that no one else got him? Or because Santa Cruz looks so decorative in a City kit on the bench?" Off the top of my head, he's made one league start and one league cup start this season, scoring the sum total of no goals. Money well-spent then.

4.24pm: Take this, Stuart James. "Since St Andrews is renowned for its cuisine I suspect Stuart James is eating gazpacho," writes John Lee. I beg to differ. The last (and only) time I went there - admittedly in a swanky, hospitality suite courtesy of some very nice people whose intentions in inviting are still not clear in my head - I was served soggy veggie sausages and fried eggs. While there's nothing wrong with a fry-up, I'm not sure it's haute-cuisine.

4.25pm: "Re. Gene Salorio at 4.21pm: I would choose the latter. He looks very svelte indeed in their black kit. Good thing he won't be getting it dirty," writes Mike de Vries. "The Bolton v City match is turning into a good one. Lots of chances. Embarassing defending. Great stuff."

4.27pm:GOAL! Chelsea 3-3 Everton. Another mistake from Cech, who didn't come out when he should have done. Drogba tried to clear the ball instead, but cleared it into Saha's head, who steered the ball home.

4.27pm: Craig Bellamy has been sent off, though reports suggest he shouldn't have been. It was for a second yellow, given to him for diving when, perhaps, it should have been given the other way.

4.29pm: Blackburn have just had three good efforts saved but they are yet to make the breakthrough.

4.29pm: "You probably didn't need to see that to know that it came from another high ball into the box," says Paul Doyle of Everton's latest equaliser. "Heitinga's freekick, Saha again eluded all the defenders, Cech flapped, and Ancelotti turned to his assistants to perform his now familiar head-shaking routine. Either he's listening to Type O Negative on invisible headphones, or he realises this can't-head-balls-clear lark has become a chronic problem."

4.30pm: "Are Rangers really 'killing' St Johnstone?" asks Craig Alexander. "As a Saints fan of 30 years but with no real means of seeing them these days you have me somewhat concerned. I thought that Rangers fans just stuck to spitting on away supporters or if we were lucky having pies and Bovril lobbed at us. Has Rangers' plight finally registered with their fans such that they're resorting to more drastic measures?"

Erm, yes, slight exaggeration. Sorry.

4.32pm: West Ham are beginning to make Birmingham worry. Dyer is on and he's having an impact. "Re. Luke Carlisle wondering if Mike Ashley was Santa," emails Barry Walsh. "Surely if Mike Ashley was Santa then Rudolph would be re-branded Rudolph the Coca-Cola sponsored red nosed reindeer."

4.37pm: For a day that looked like it was going to be quiet, there are quite a few stories here. Not least is the Craig Bellamy sending off. I think he may have been given his first yellow card in the tunnel for having an ill-advised moan to the referee. Don't quote me on that, mind. His second yellow, however, sounds like it may have been debatable.

Meanwhile, at Chelsea, Petr Cech seems to have lost his confidence again. He doesn't know whether to come out, stay back, claim or punch at the moment. He's never really been the same since that clonk on the head, has he? Perhaps he might benefit from some time on the bench.

4.39pm: GOAL! Bolton 3-3 Manchester City. Another goal from Tevez, struck from 25 yards out to score his eighth of the season. Sensational stuff at the Reebok. Meanwhile, Noble has been sent off for West Ham, and that should mean Birmingham take control at St Andrews.

4.42pm: The scoreline at White Hart Line could be yet another story today if Wolves can hold out, it's still Tottenham 0-1 Woves. Notts County, fresh from being bought out by Peter Trembling today, have just pulled a goal back against Accrington Stanley. They're 1-2 down.

4.43pm: In the race to be shown last on Match Of The Day, the Hull v Blackburn game is well ahead in the running. To be honest, that sounds like exceptionally dull stuff.

4.43pm: Re. Bellamy's first yellow: "The commentator said he received the first yellow at the centre circle after Bolton's second goal," emails Chris, from Maryland, helpfully.

4.46pm: As Ian Copestake has just pointed out, there could be eight draws in the Premier League today. Just one goal at each of Sunderland v Portsmouth, Spurs v Wolves and Birmingham v West Ham could make that happen. "What are the odds on that?" he says.

4.47pm: Cameron Jerome gets through, one-on-one with West Ham's Robert Green. He slots the ball neatly past the keeper ... and wide of the posts. A brilliant chance missed. Chelsea are piling the pressure on Everton, while City, despite being a man down, are doing the same against Bolton. Can Everton hang on?

4.49pm: Joleon Lescott gets a chance for City (who have welcomed Santa Cruz onto the pitch) but swivels and hits fresh air. Meanwhile Crouch has just had a chance for Spurs against Wolves, where there are a mammoth six minutes of extra time.

4.50pm: The snooker semi-final, which I'd forgotten about to be honest, closed at the break with Higgins leading O'Sullivan 6-2.

4.52pm: In the Championship, Barnsley have equalised, it's now Barnsley 2-2 Newcastle. At Stamford Bridge, with two minutes of normal time remaining, the home side can't find a way through. Everton are defending doggedly. Is this the start of the Chelsea decline? They could be in trouble if it is, given how many players they will lose to the African Cup Of Nations.

4.53pm: Result: Burnley 1-1 Fulham.

4.54pm: Everton scramble the danger away as Chelsea pile on the pressure at Stamford Bridge. The defending is desperate but effective.

4.55pm:GOAL! Sunderland 1-1 Portsmouth. Younis Kaboul scores in the dying seconds. He rips off his shirt, is given his second yellow, and gets sent off immediately. Dramatic stuff.

4.56pm: Saha has taken a knock at Stamford Bridge and he'll need to be subbed, which could lead to extended extra-time. Meanwhile Wolves have beaten Spus, the result there is Tottenham 0-1 Wolves. It's finished Bolton 3-3 Manchester City.

4.56pm: Lampard drills the ball just wide at Stamford Bridge! That was very, very close.

4.57pm: It's finished Sunderland 1-1 Portsmouth. That must be sickening for Sunderland's fans. They were cruising until that last minute equaliser.

4.57pm: Here's Stuart James at Birmingham: "Some players are able to hide their emotions, never revealing their inner torment, and then there are people like Alessandro Diamanti. The Italian, pulling a face that suggested he was close to tears, ripped his shirt down the middle after seeing a free-kick flash inches over the crossbar. Brilliant."

4.59pm: It's all over at Stamford Bridge. Injury-hit Everton have held Chelsea to a 3-3 draw, and Chelsea have dropped their first home points of the season. Manchester United, if they score a few past Aston Villa, could go to the top of the table.

5.00pm: "What is it with all this shirt tossing and ripping? Are they made of hair?" asks Ian Copestake.

5.01pm: The game at St Andrews has finished, and Birmingham claim a 1-0 win over West Ham to continue their impressive form. They're now sitting just behind Liverpool, on the same amount of points, in the league.

5.07pm: Well, what a day. What started out as an unpromising fixture list has thrown up a host of stories. There was Figueroa's incredible halfway line goal in the Stoke v Wigan match, Chelsea find themselves entering a slump and should perhaps have genuine concerns over Petr Cech, while Everton can be extremely proud of themselves. To come away with a point at Stamford Bridge is impressive enough, but to score three with such a depleted squad is a fantastic result.

Manchester City, too, proved there's some grit there. To come back from a goal down, with ten men, to earn a 3-3 draw is encouraging for them. It's bad news for Bolton though, after scoring three times against City, they should really have expected to win.

5.09pm: The Race To Eight Quid is, frankly, an embarrassment for all concerned. Roughley and Murray share the pot but not with any glory. The final standings: