A field guide to office jerks

Rex Huppke

We walk through the forest each day surrounded by creatures (colleagues). Some are kind like squirrels and deer and animated talking bears. But others, like snakes and snarling wolves and buzzing mosquitoes, make the forest miserable.

What we need is a field guide — a way of identifying office critters and learning to avoid them, if necessary. I've come up with a start on such a guide, but first, let's consider the jerks in our midst.

In 2007, Stanford University professor Robert Sutton wrote The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't. Since then, he has received as many as 6000 emails from people around the world lamenting office doofuses.

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This has made Sutton an expert on the jerks that seem to infest every office. He points out that they're more than just a nuisance; these people cost companies money.

"Since the book was published, there has been more and more research by academics and there are more and more cultural reasons to believe the cost might be higher than we previously thought," he said.

"There's more evidence of turnover and more evidence that if you are around a boss or co-workers who, after dealing with them, leave you de-energised, you're less likely to work hard, you're less likely to be creative." Many companies have begun screening job candidates for "jerkish" tendencies and making it clear to employees that respecting others is the key to how they're evaluated.

But, let's face it, jerks aren't going anywhere. And they come in myriad forms, from abusive to just plain irritating. Our best bet is to understand the annoying characters that surround us in the hope that knowledge brings power.

Sutton suggests starting with yourself. "We always assume we're not the problem," he said. "But sometimes we are." So when spotting jerks, make sure you haven't become one.

With that out of the way, here's a start to what I hope will one day be a comprehensive field guide to workplace jerks:

The One-Upper

Habitat: Break rooms, water coolers and other places workers gather.

Description: The One-Upper is stealthy, waiting for you or one of your colleagues to bring up an accomplishment before sliding in with an even-greater accomplishment of his own. There's nothing you can do that this person can't top. The One-Upper's amazing resume often stretches the limits of credibility.

Defence: Take away the opportunities to one-up. You don't have to shun the person — after all, he or she might just be insecure. Just recognise the tendency and don't bring up things the One-Upper will try to top.

The Loud Talker

Habitat: Usually the desk next to you.

Description: Loud Talkers broadcast their phone conversations — work-related or otherwise — far and wide, like larks signalling danger across the Serengeti. Loud Talkers are shockingly unaware of their volume and tend to have been raised near airports or in families that like Led Zeppelin.

Defence: The Loud Talker is often receptive to a kind mention that he or she is, well, talking loudly. This is, however, only a temporary fix as Loud Talking is a lifelong condition. But once you've raised the subject, it's easier to say something the next time.

Mac the Knife

Habitat: Usually the boss's office, stabbing you in the back.

Description: Mac the Knife is perhaps the worst of all workplace jerks. Mac is a soulless being with an alluring personality and seemingly genuine interest in collaboration and good work. Trust develops, and then is shattered when you realise Mac has been bad-mouthing you.

Defence: None. You rarely see Mac coming. The only hope is a warning from one of Mac's previous victims.

Meeting Motormouth

Habitat: Conference rooms, the boss's office or any place people meet.

Description: The Meeting Motormouth feels constitutionally obligated to talk — often at length — during a meeting. A patient creature, the Meeting Motormouth will often wait until the waning moments of a meeting to speak, and then will spiral off on multiple tangents. Because meeting motormouths are generally nice enough, it's difficult to tell them to put a sock in it. So precious moments of our lives are consumed for no reason.

Defence: Early identification and bold leaders. Figure out who the meeting motormouths are, and shut them down quickly — and politely.

There are so many more out there, but I'm out of space. And please be careful out there.

What workplace jerk species have you encountered?

Chicago Tribune

53 comments so far

The worst that comes to mind in my experience is the neurotic bully manager. They sense their shortcomings and suck up to the big boss, and pour sh!t on their own team. The individual I have in mind would sometime turn up for work in a foul mood, causing the staff to scatter and look busy real quick. This person would happily tell lies to cover their own inadequacies. If she didn't know the answer to something she would make stuff up, later denying the info came from her. She was spotted Christmas shopping during working hours over successive years. She eventually retired - the staff were so happy, and not a moment too soon.

So Ms. D - you were, are and will always be the most awful boss ever. You were truly in a class of your own. .

Commenter

Seen 'Em All

Location

Sydney

Date and time

February 13, 2013, 7:30PM

Agreed, this person is willing to do whatever it takes to make their team look bad in order to make themselves look good.

A person higher than them should be able to tell the different, but quite often can't.

This leads to an loss of constructive productivity all round.

Commenter

James

Location

Melbourne

Date and time

February 14, 2013, 9:23AM

David Brent?

Commenter

adz

Location

melbiurne

Date and time

February 14, 2013, 9:46AM

@Seem 'Em All - How come you didn't confront this woman? Why did you allow yourself to be bullied? There is no need to be afraid because the truth will protect you.

Commenter

CamRon

Location

Melbs

Date and time

February 14, 2013, 10:03AM

'CamRon' - If only life was that easy. Fact is, even the most polite and sensitive "confrontations" can find you in a position with a person who now wants REVENGE for daring to speak to them about their attitude and behaviour. Your see, what we are dealing with in some instances, is a person who has no concept of self awareness and who sees other people, either as a threat or an asset to be used in some way. Not wanting to sound dramatic, these people are "professionals". In one way or another, they do their bullying, intimidation, gossiping, demeaning, manipulating, charming, recruiting of others, etc, day in and day out. Therefore, before you "confront" , assess history, have a check list, and be prepared for a backlash.

Commenter

Rose Bay Tiger

Date and time

February 15, 2013, 6:58AM

"There is no need to be afraid because the truth will protect you." That's hilarious, CamRom, you've obviously never worked in a big organisation. Or, now I come to think of it, have any experience with the life in general. The truth will set you free, yes, but it won't protect you. All of the really successful people on life are consummate liars and they know how to deal with those who would tell the inconvenient truth and it ain't pretty. ;-)

Commenter

Woody

Date and time

February 15, 2013, 7:44AM

The "ineffective"

Completely incompetent. Bury every issue until it blows up. Can drivel off marketing speak without understanding what it means. Have no idea what their staff actually do. Resolve issues between working staff and lazy staff by forcing them to argue with each other in public. Always 3 steps behind in every project. Can't remember what they had for breakfast let alone what's been happing on a project they're meant to be managing.

Commenter

davidb

Date and time

February 14, 2013, 5:48AM

The office gossip. Man or woman, this person latches onto any passerby and absolutely MUST pass along anything that they know that you might not know. Attempts to avoid participation are usually brushed off And if their desk happens to be near yours then you are constantly trapped in their web. I have had more time wasted by the office gossip than even the Meeting Motormouth.

I also find the Buddy Manager to be annoying. The person who is so in love with the idea of being everyone's best friend that they are incapable of leading in an effective way.

Commenter

TK

Date and time

February 14, 2013, 5:51AM

I had a motormouth at work. Happened to be one of my managers. He pretty much loses his credibility - talk too much and you are seen as not doing your job. Generally best avoided, or have someone interrupt by saying you are needed elsewhere. And in return, have good situational awareness to know when to "rescue" someone pinned down by the motormouth. Alternatively, if you feel lazy and don't want to do your job now then find them - talking to your manager one way to waste time without looking like you are doing it.Best lesson learnt - never let them catch you on your way for a toilet break!!

Commenter

Richie

Date and time

February 14, 2013, 6:21AM

Productivity Rules, ... so many people are lacking in life skills and a sense of humour they feel threatened because of their own insecurity. GROW UP PEOPLE, this article is senseless dribble feeding those who hide behind a desk all day with no idea what it is like to go out into the real world and slay dragons day after day. roll with the punches have a laugh and be cool otherwise you'll end up like that cop in LA that wanted to destroy the world this week.