Sure, we all love contemplating glistening Adonises, swashbuckling buccaneers, and loincloth-straining savages — but not as much as Uncle Walter does. Like feverish magpies, Uncle Walter and his co-conspirator, The Wife, gather up the greatest pectoral excesses ever to grace a supermarket paperback and put them on display for all the world to revel in at rottenromance.com.

For our V-Day extravaganza, Uncle Walter has been kind enough to smear a little bit of that magic coconut oil on our humble rag. Behold, some of his favorite romance-novel covers -- click forth for the ultimate in tawdry, dog-eared seduction.