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In My Travels

Hello friends, it is traveling day!!! And Because planes apparently have wifi now, this post comes to you from millions of trillions of miles above the earths atmosphere, give or take a mile or two. Hey, remember when you couldn’t even touch your phone in flight bc the signals or gamma radiation or whatever would do this to your plane:

I tend to doubt that technology has advanced so far in a year that now we are now unbreakable, so I kind of believe we have been lied to all these years. Now, before we go any further you should know 2 things about me:1) I love to fly2) I have vertigo How do those things go together? We’ll, please gather around for the science portion of our day. You see friends, vertigo is a malfunction of the inner ear that causes a feeling of dizziness as well as a feeling of being off balance and phantom movement, usually accompanied by nausea. And do you all remember what happens to your ears when you fly and/or change altitudes? That’s right friends, your ear pops. So flying for a person with vertigo is extra uncomfortable, bc I feel sick-ish for several hours/days after the fact. When I flew to Kenya I threw up for 5 days. That is an actual thing that happened.

But I still love to fly! So friends, since flying or any kind or travel can be so long and awkward I thought, “hey, why don’t I share every moment with my people. Let’s go! 7am- I roll into the airport ready for the excruciatingly long TSA check…7:05 am-done and sitting at my terminal…really, when did we get so efficient? Where are the long lines, emptying and repacking my bag in front of you, and cavity searches I have come to expect? And I seriously can’t believe they let me through without any questions bc in my bag there is a panda onesie, an XL bunny costume complete with bent, pointy wire hanger ears and 2 plastic razors.

Okay, fast-forward to the flight—–let’s hit some of the highlights.

Like all planes it kind of smells like cheese and floral deodorizer

Because in all the decades of flight experience we have not learned to load planes from the back first, we all get the pleasant experience of walking past the 8-10 first class seats on our way back to coach.

Do first class passengers pay extra for those brief moments of smug smiling as we walk past them into the abyss of economy seating?

The flight rules and safety regulations is now hilarious. It is 80’s themed and it features cameos from Alf and Kareem Abdul Jab-I-have-no-idea-how-to-spell-his-name

The copilot on this flight is named Sarge

I tried to cram my bag into the metal regulation size checker for several minutes to prove I could get it into the overhead bin…I did not win this battle and the cost of my failure was $25

Lady checking my bag said-“is Tulsa your final destination?” spoken with disbelief, as though she can’t believe anybody would ever go there

There is an amazing southern woman behind me on the phone who just uttered the sentence “how are you? …oh well, you’ll get over it”. She’s also calling everyone baby, which I am now probably going to start doing.

Same lady- now she’s reading/narrating the sky mall magazine and I could not be happier! I can’t see her face, but I imagine her like this:

The Korean woman beside me is watching August:Osage County in Korean and I can only imagine how great those over-dramatized southern accents sound dubbed in Korean

I find it hilarious that they show movies (typically 2 hours) on a 1 hour flight

I wish this flight was a little longer bc they’re playing The Secret Life of Walter Mitty which is a great movie!!!

The plane is super hot and stuffy, with the air only coming through those tiny little air spouts above your seat. I’m hot natured and stuffy environments give me a headache, so I spend my flights like this, reaching up for moments of cool air:

And then the descent, which triggers more vertigo

Thus ends 1 of 2 flights today as I land for my connecting flight through Atlanta. Now, it should be noted that Florida is the worst part of our country [if not the world] but Atlanta is Florida’s ugly cousin. It’s equally as hot, dirty and disgusting as Florida, but was accidentally zoned as Georgia for some reason. Because it’s like 60 degrees in Atlanta they are running the heat, for a comfortable interior temperature of 108 degrees. Thanks Atlanta! You keep on being the armpit of the south! (Florida is not the south, it’s an annex of Cuba)

Now on to flight 2 of 2- destination Tulsa, Oklahoma

The lady sitting beside me on the first flight ended up being on this flight too and sitting right in front of me. That means I literally got off the last plane behind her, followed her out and down the escalator, to the shuttle, over 2 stops to terminal C, to her gate, onto a 2nd plane and sat down behind her…all creepy like.

The guy in front of me in the boarding line had a bag too big for a carry on as well, and I watched in amazement as he forced and kicked that bag into the metal bag check. Where I failed he succeeded and he got that giant back approved. I actually applauded, which the lady in charge of the ticketing line did NOT think was funny.

I forgot about the time difference bc apparently I don’t understand geography, meaning the flight I thought was 1 hour is actually 2. That is not exciting. No tvs on this plane either, which is a shame bc I could have watched Walter Mitty. It’s seriously good, especially if you love to travel. You should redbox it.

I got a little bored and antsy on this extended flight and this got a wee bit out-o-control. A fellow passenger got it on tape for you:

There is a guy on this flight who looks exactly like Cam from Modern Family. And I mean IDENTICAL! They even walk the same. It was so eerily alike that I got reeally close and observed him for a while. I can now confirm from close inspection and dirty looks from this man that he is in fact NOT our lovable Cam. I think he might be his stunt double though.

I would like to thank Delta for not ruining everything like they are so famous for doing. Yes, my first flight was slightly delayed, but the gate at my layover in Atlanta made up for that by being unorganized and boarding the plane late, proving that sometimes 2 wrongs do in fact make a right.

But the plane landed and my sister and Mason pulled up in their approved Oklahoma vehicle. And there was celebrating!!! I have a return flight next week, so I shall say TO BE CONTINUED…and keep in mind that return flights are always awful, so we have that to look forward to together!