‘Offset murders’ offer solution to climate change

A psychopathic think-tank has suggested a solution to man-made global warming could be just around the corner, if people murder other people to offset their own carbon emissions.

With so many of the population showing signs of carbon use, fun-loving ‘carbon heads’ have struggled to find an effective way of justifying their addiction. People with heating in their houses will know all too well that planting a tree can be time-consuming and boring, but paying a hitman to kill barely a handful of strangers could offset a trans-Atlantic flight.

Graham Collis believes that while most of us wouldn’t want to drive a Prius, we could be persuaded to ‘offset murder’ for the sake of our children’s future. Although random assassinations would appear to offer an easy solution, Collis insists that choosing the best victims calls for some scientific knowledge.

“We’re suggesting an energy rating system for targets, to show how efficient they are”, explained Collis. “It would range from ‘A’ for a well-insulated fat lad, down to ‘G’ for a poorly lagged streak of piss.” Some critics have pointed out that skinny people eat less, but Collis dismissed this argument with a picture of Victoria Beckham being driven to a gym. As he pointed out, “according to our research, the sedentary obese make far more effective carbon sinks.”

“It’s a straight-forward choice”, said Collis. “We can either choose to reduce our emissions a little, or completely stem someone else’s.” The visionary is calling for further research into deadly contagions, which could specifically target those that are a complete waste of carbon.

Work has already begun on a virus that specifically targets vegetable bores who go on about their allotments, and a miniature tiger is being developed to attack people who pay for train tickets with loose change. As Collis points out, topping just three fertile cyclists could offset winter skiing trips for his family for generations to come.

“We’re gradually winning people over”, claimed Collis, “and we’re making all sorts of astonishing new break-throughs. For instance, did you know that some animals waste carbon too?”

Collis has carried out some preliminary experiments in this area, by strangling a family of pandas and harpooning a pod of humpback whales. “It’s too early to say for sure”, said Collis, “but my colleagues tell me I've managed to ground up to nine WWF helicopters, and at least two Greenpeace sea planes.”

A demonstration of the comradeship enjoyed here. An excellent piece is premiered here, peer reviewed here then published elsewhere. Hooray for non-competitiveness and I will fight anyone who says otherwise!