Life is totally amazing because I am young, free, single and into spreadsheets at the moment. There, that was easy. Score: one point. Then deduct 25% because people who justify their happiness (e.g someone who says John / Frank / Jermaine etc. loves being married to me because I am such an independent and colourful personality) are really smug. Revised score: 0.75

2. Guardian says “Be brave”.

I have thrown myself into work and not shirked any friendship responsibilities. I am rising above my troubles with Karen and making an ally rather than an enemy of her. Score: One point. But I have ignored my mother’s calls now for one week and Marcus’ Facebook profile is still my homepage. Revised score: Nil

3. Guardian says “Meditate”.

I can’t do this. I have tried on several occasions, although it’s a useful break in the day to make my shopping list. Score: 0.25 points for slowing down.

4. Guardian says “Be Kind to Self”.

Well, I’m drinking schnaps as a treat. I don’t really like it but I figured it would make me happier than drinking mother’s ruin. I also have a nice poached “counting the calories” chicken meal for one waiting for me in the microwave. Oh yes, poached chicken is like sucking on the ragged bottoms of my bin-juice sodden jeans. Score: nil.

5. Guardian says “Use your pessimism”

I have absolutely no problem with using my pessimism to drink away the rest of the evening. Once I’ve replaced schnaps with Mother’s ruin. Score: one point three million

6. Guardian says “Find a calling. We need love, work and a connection to something larger. Get these conditions right, then wait.”

Quite clear that organising an office away-day is not the calling I thought it was earlier in the evening. I will consider buying a nun’s habit and a noose of rosary beads if all else fails. Score: 0.25 points for intention.

7. Guardian says “Act happy”.

Any hope of that was blown away with the existence of this vexatious test.

Total score: Nil points out of like, whatever.

I have always thought that the only real way to tell if someone is happy is by the volume of their voice in a pub.