Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Things I Learned About Bigfoot

(aka, What Happens When Sasquatch Kidnaps Nubile Young Women To Be Personal Breeding Love Slaves)

byPenny Watson

1. Bigfoot is very possessive of "his woman"..."He tossed me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and hauled me into the forest."

2. He can talk. "Good. Soooooooo good." (I didn't say he could talk like a Harvard professor. I just said he could talk).

3. Sasquatch dudes have regular names like Leonard, Dale, and of course their leader, Bubba.

4. Girls who are abducted by Bigfoot to be their breeding love slaves are concerned about cleanliness and personal hygiene. "I wore the same underwear and shorts I had on for days. They needed to be washed." Um, seriously, I think that's the least of your worries, girlfriend.

5. Bigfoot's diet consists mainly of beef jerky. And carrots.

6. Girls abducted by Bigfoot are generally not that bright. "Maybe being kidnapped by horny apes had messed with my head." Maybe. Maybe it did.

7. Bigfoot's language also includes grunts and this word..."Grrrrrrrrroooooooaaaaaaaarrrrrrr." According to my English-Bigfoot Dictionary, that means "Party Time, Ladies!"

8. Being abducted by Bigfoot tends to elicit sarcastic responses from horny young women. "We're fucked seven ways to Sunday."

9. Also, Bigfoot likes to smoke pot. (Probably to relax at the end of the day. It's probably pretty stressful being Bigfoot, I would imagine).

10. When the young sex slaves are not servicing the hairy beasts, they are forced to weave cloth on a loom. In a cave. (I swear. I'm not making this shizz up). This is best summed up by this quote: "Weavers by day, cocksuckers by night."

11. When Bigfoot gets mad at his girl, she might get a spanking.

12. Bigfoot clans travel around the forest in carts, and have goats. I'm not sure if the goats are pets or a food source.

13. The captives waver between wanting to escape--"I'm only 18! I'm too young to get knocked up with some Planet of the Apes baby!"--to wanting Bigfoot as a boyfriend--"I'd done the unspeakable. I'd fallen in love with my ape." I guess this is sort of a Stockholm syndrome situation going on.

14. Bigfoot has a 12 inch penis.

15. Bigfoot likes to serve his captive hot tea. It's so civilized!

16. The captives figure out why Sasquatch is so horny. "I guess this is what happens when there's no TV."

17. Bigfoot is no different than human men. He likes watching a rousing lesbian sex scene.

18. Bigfoot is a family guy. He dreams of a cave, a woman, and some furry offspring.

I live in Washington and am pretty sure some of these things you have learned about Bigfoot have appeared on public service announcements geared toward hikers. Especially the one about the brainwashing via hot tub. Hikers really gotta be careful of that.

penny, I suspect that we are all really sneakily grateful that you are out there reading this crap, SO WE DON'T HAVE TO, and your revues are also, i suspect, much more entertaining than the actual book would be