[General consensus is that this puzzle requires too much googling and should be put in later, so moving along.]

>turn knobsThe door opens, and out pour lovely rainbows. Beautiful colors spread all over your body, drowning you deeply in ecstasy. The blues and oranges and ohhhhh it's like cumming all over! DragonForce is blaring across the hallway. The LAIR OF EXTREME AWESOMENESS is now open to you.

>enter LAIR OF EXTREME AWESOMENESSYou walk slowly through the door, bathed in all the wonderful colors. Crab Nicholson follows, shutting the door behind him. On the floor is a BOTTLE, an ATARI 2600, a BOX OF DVDS, a BAG OF CHIPS, and A BLOWUP DOLL.

>look knobsThere are three knobs. One is PINK and labeled "sensory-motor." The second is GREEN and labeled "concrete-operational." The last one is BLUE and labeled "formal operational." Each one has a peculiar keyhole.

>look roomOn the floor are several USED JOHNNIES and FABULOUS MITTENS. On the ceiling is a 12-YEAR OLD BOY. He waves to you happily. The walls are lavender, and quite aesthetically pleasing. Behind you on the wall are five KEYS. You can hold only three at once.

>pick up FABULOUS MITTENSYou're going to look AMAAAAZINGGGG!

>use FABULOUS MITTENS on NicholsonYou do not want to use the FABULOUS MITTENS on Crab Nicholson. Do it anyway Y/N

>NGood decision.

>look KEYSThe KEYS are not colored and have funny ends that do not easily correlate to the KNOBS. Each one has a picture underneath. The pictures, in order, are of a BABY, a SMALL KID, a LARGE KID, a TEENAGER, and SOLID SNAKE.

You are in the bedroom. You see Crab Nicholson. He has no mittens. His claws are menacing. Exits are bathroom, kitchen, living room, and Crab Nicholson'sULTIMATE LAIR OF AWESOMENESS

What do you do?

>go bathroomThe door is locked. Inside you hear a moaning: "Oh Jesus Christ I'm fapping like the Fist of the North Star!"

>go kitchenYou smell a pot of fondue boiling. On the counter is a delicious cake, and bags upon bags of incredible snacks. Crab Nicholson does not want you to go this way. It is not wise to defy Crab Nicholson.