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Thursday, July 11, 2013

No Longer Worthless - Thanks For That

"Abuse is all about getting and keeping power and control. A person who lives in fear and who has been shamed into a sense of personal worthlessness is a person who is much easier to control. Abusers know this. They know it by nature. They didn't have to take a course to learn it. It is who they are." Pgs 75-76 of "A Cry for Justice"

I read that on the "A Cry for Justice" Facebook page the other day and the "personal worthlessness" part stuck out to me, because I had picked up that "sense" somewhere along the way. That's why I always ended up in relationships with men who only wanted to use me and/or abuse me. I know that now and I feel that I've overcome that feeling of not being worth anything. In fact, I think I had begun to overcome it BEFORE I ever left my marriage and I was shocked to realize that I have some of the people who have since turned their backs on me to thank for helping me begin that overcoming.

I'm not sure how they're going to feel about that, and honestly I don't care, because this is my story and my journey - they only played a small part in it.

So, to you, the one who taught me to play piano and constantly told me how awesome, funny, amazing, and "Christ-like" I was: Thank you for that! You planted the seeds to help me to begin to realize that I DID have worth and that my children and I didn't deserve to live in the environment we'd been in for too long.

Even though you used manipulation, guilt, and fear tactics to try to get me to return to that environment and "pray it out". Even though you turned on me, and turned your back on me, when I refused. Even though you talked about me, and others you used to love and affirm and our "mistakes", on your blog. I can see now that I owe you at least a small debt of appreciation for planting those seeds. I am 100% serious about this.

I've only alluded to one person here, but there were others. They were good friends to me - until I left on oppressive situation, and yeah, that was hard but it was their friendship that helped to begin to build me back up. I've been able to build on what they started in the two years that I've been free and I feel like I am returning to the person that I was always supposed to be.

I really do appreciate that.

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*If you think you may be in a verbally/emotionally abusive situation, or if your partner has ever been physically abusive towards you/children/pets, I would really encourage you to read "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. You may even be able to find it in your local library, I did. You can also check out this list at The Hotline - there is a number you can call to talk to someone confidentially. Even if your partner is a Christian, a pastor, a high standing member of your church, etc, abuse of any kind towards you and/or your children is NOT ok and you DON'T have to endure it. Christ calls you to freedom and He doesn't ask you to endure oppression by anyone.*