My son, Joseph, died on May 26, 2005 after one hour on earth. This blog helped me sort through my feelings and prepare for his sister, Eleanor Grace, born in July 2006. Here's the ongoing saga of learning to parent after a loss.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Bad Dreams

I hate pregnancy-induced vivid dreams. Usually they're just weird to mildly disturbing, like on Sunday night when I dreamed that hit men came after me and Andy because he wouldn't stop illegally downloading music. (I think the trigger for that one was having gone to see "Munich" earlier that evening.)

But last night I dreamed that I went for my 18-week scan and found that the baby was dead. The dream didn't focus on the actual moment I learned this, but on my thoughts about having to start all over and about how, since I am now showing, the whole world would have to know what had happened...again. I woke up practically in tears.

I would have chalked this up to one disturbing dream if I hadn't had that horrible dream about Joseph dying...three days before he actually was born and died. I don't REALLY believe in prophetic dreams, but after that experience, I can't stop thinking about last night's nightmare.

I've been pretty calm throughout this pregnancy so far...so much calmer than I ever expected to be. I feel like that ended today. Even though I haven't been feeling movement with anything approaching consistency, I found myself obsessively waiting to feel it today to prove to myself that the Pad is still alive. Of course, I haven't felt anything yet, which I KNOW is normal since I don't feel it every day and it's so light and quick when I do that it would be easy to miss it.

So I rented a doppler. It should be here in a few days. I hope it helps. And I hope I don't have any more scary dreams.

3 Comments:

dreams are so crazy, aren't they? i dreamed last night i had a daughter (who looked nothing like justin or me) but the back of her head was excessively flat, and i obsessively fluffed her hair (under the guise of affectionately rubbing her head) to make her head look more rounded.

i hope your dreams knock it off and you get some of that confidence back.

If you remember, I had more than a few absolutely insane pregnancy dreams with Hurricane. Like the one where Dog the bounty hunter was after Mr X because he farted in downtown Seattle inciting a riot because everyone thought it was a terrorist attack. And the one with the ice cream truck which I will not go into.Point is? I know it's hard, but try not to let it make you crazy. People tend to work out their worst fears and deep concerns in their sleep. The worst case scenario. After everything you have been through, is it any wonder that this has made an appearance in your dreams?