Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Guest piece for Habs Addicts

I was recently asked to write a guest piece for the website Habs Addicts as part of a he said/she said feature. Due to some complications the she said portion of the piece could not be posted, but my portion was.

With the Habs Frankenstein season behind us, our beloved Tricolore is beginning to look more and more like a real team by the day.

Experts say that a championship team is built through the draft, so it’s obvious that what Bob Gainey did during the Summer of 2009 was crazier than Milan Lucic on ‘ludes.

In case you forgot, all Bob Gainey did was do away with 10+ years of drafting, trading, and key free agent signing to collect a gang of short, old and overrated players (according to the experts)!

Bob Gainey did something else that off-season, something unknown to him, the players and every single fan in the world except for me.

It’s a good thing you came to Habs Addicts today, it’s also a good thing you clicked on the Addict Alley section, it’s also a good thing you clicked on this very link because I am about to let you in on a chilling secret that I did not make up for the sake of this article.

Bob Gainey broke Hockey rules.

You can’t just sign free agents and trade for Scott Gomez and get away with it. You have to pay your dues, be really bad for 10 years like the Penguins and Blackhawks and then you can go deep into the playoffs.

When Bob Gainey overhauled the Habs he also unleashed a terrible curse on the team. The curse caused the ghosts trapped inside the Pepsi Forum—scared the crap out of the people eating at Guido and Angelina’s—to escape and possess several members of your current Montreal Canadiens team.

The curse backfired though, because it turns out that the Habs had some pretty good players in the past. I’m sure I can work in some kind of Spider-man gift/curse segue into the main part of the article but I do not have the writing talent to pull something like that off.

Look at the resemblance and tell me that the soul of Howie Morenz is not embedded within Mike Cammalleri.

You can’t, because it is.

Looks aside, Cammalleri and Morenz play a very similar game. They’re both fast, have keen on-ice vision, have a sick wrist shot, and love to fist pump after they score goals.

It’s also no coincidence that they have incredibly similar nicknames. Howie Morenz’s is ‘The Stratford Streak’—alluding to Morenz’s speed and the city where his roots are.

Mike Cammalleri’s nickname is ‘The Thornhill Thunderbolt’ for the same reasons.

EDITORS NOTE: That’s not his nickname.

It’s not? Well it should be.

Brian Gionta is possessed by Boom Boom Geoffrion

Did you know that Boom Boom was only 5’9? You do now sir/ma’am...you do now.

Source: my own editing of Wikipedia for the purpose of this article.

We all know that Brian Gionta is short. What he lacks in size he makes up for in heart, leadership, and testicular fortitude. If you look for those three words in the dictionary you will find Boom Boom’s picture next to them

Side Note: Sami Salo is also there next to testicular fortitude.

Brian Gionta plays big, much like Boom Boom did in his prime. These wee warriors cause headaches for their opponents and it is also really, really funny if you speed up the footage of them that you’re watching and play the theme song from Benny Hill.

Ha!

Maxime Lapierre is possessed by Maurice Richard

Maxime Lapierre is French-Canadian ipso facto his soul was the only one that Richard could latch onto safely without pissing off the French media.

The Rocket was an idol.

When Latendresse got traded, Lapierre became the idol by default.

There is no doubt that the spirit of The Rocket is lodged within Maxim Lapierre. Lapierre is the best hockey player to ever play in the NHL. Lapierre skates like the wind, hits like a wrecking ball, and shoots like a high powered rifle.

Lapierre is the voice of our generation; he is a symbol of light in an otherwise bleak and dreary world. He is the one ray of hope that the Canadiens have left at keeping their Quebecois identity alive.

Side Note: The previous paragraph was written by my guest contributor, Maxim Lapierre.

Carey Price is possessed by Bill Durnan

I bet you thought I was going to say that Price was possessed by Jacques Plante.

Where’s my money?

When Bill Durnan played for the Habs—the only team he played for professionally—he was lights out.

In his rookie year he was 38-5-7—the 7 is ties, for those who don’t remember Hockey before 2004.

That’s a scary record, as is a 208-112-62 lifetime stat. He’s a hall of famer and was depicted on one of Price’s centennial masks which of course is Hockey’s highest honor.

Bill Durnan retired at the age of 35 due to him not being able to handle the stress of playing in the NHL.

Sound familiar?

Well, there you have it folks, undisputable evidence that several Canadiens are currently being possessed by the Ghosts of the Forum.

Please don’t try to take matters into your own hands by trying to perform an exorcism if you run into any of the players on the street. Also, don’t call the Ghostbusters or any type of ghost related reality show on A&E. They will think you are crazy for believing that this article is in any way real.

Side Note: Ignore that last sentence, it’s just meant to cover Habs Addict’s butt in case any lawyers come knocking.

Ghosts are real and they’re living in the souls of the aforementioned players.