Sunday, December 26, 2010

Would You Be My Friend?

So, a little something people may not realize about me is that I really suck at making friends. I take that back, I can make friends and acquaintances but I've rarely had a Central Perk-Friends relationship. You see, I often feel like I'm back in elementary school with a bad perm and glasses who was told that she was invited to a birthday party because the other girl's mother made her. I have always wanted a Ya-Ya Sisterhood kind of bond with people but instead I come up short. Here's the thing, I always feel like I'm not worthy of the friendship people give me. I am terrible at correspondence. I don't typically pick up the phone and dish about current events. I'm more likely to be fashionably late than dutifully on time. So, I'm don't fit the "best friend" criteria others may have. Here's the thing, though. I have a list of people that I consider my best friends. Not because I deserve them, I don't. It's because that in their awesomeness, they have accepted me. Not as their best friend, they could do far better. Honestly, the insecure frizzy haired bespeckled girl inside of me is delighted they talk to me at all. So, here is a laundry list of some people.

I have a best friend named Bryan. He loves me without my makeup and when I'm in sweats. He tells me he loves me every day. He thinks I'm beautiful or, at least, convinces me that he does. He gets my quirkiness and moodiness. He holds me when I fall apart and gives me space to move when I get antsy. It's a delicate balance to live with me and he does it very well. I love that guy.

I have this best friend named Jessica. When they wrote the fruits of the spirit, it was actually a description of Jess. You know how there are some people who seem to be near perfect. Well, I met this perfect friend when we were 15. We had to bunk together at Windermere for a whole summer. Amazingly, she looked through my faults and obnoxious Goofy shirts and befriended me. We have stood up in each others weddings, held each others newborns and watched our children play together. In our 19+ year friendship her kindness has never wavered. I have never once had a bad thought about her. In her grace and kindness, she calls me her friends still.

I have this best friend named Heather. She has a life about her that is incredible. She proudly wears the necklaces to church that her children make her and isn't scared to dance with them in the middle of a Baptist wedding reception. She sends cards just because. I don't know what on earth I have done to deserve her as a friend. I often wonder how she does it. How does she radiate God's love to others just by breathing? Does she make others feel the same way she makes me feel? Loved, accepted, special, hopeful? I would have loved to know her in high school. I would have loved to have known her as a person on her wedding day. I cherish that friendship like a precious treasure.

I have these best friends known as the "Clique." A group of misfits landed in Roach Missouri from all corners of Missouri, a Kansan and an Iowan. Magic was made. I can still to this day call that the happiest time of my life. Sitting around talking about nothing and everything. Crammed in the back of a Mustang to buy sunglasses or play ski-ball. Doing a lip sync routine to a Gilda Radner SNL sketch. How did I get the cool kids to like me? I would sit there and wonder, do they really like me? Am I contributing anything to their enjoyment? Am I the one they took pity on and let me hang out? I still don't know 100% percent but we still contact each other and I know that I would drop anything to be by their sides if they needed me. I am like a fish without water being in a city without these friends sometimes.

I have other best friends:

Kim who shows me that faith lived out is a beautiful thing. Time with family is precious and fleeting and should be a priority.

Elaine who isn't afraid to show her feelings and can spot when I'm having a tough day in 30 seconds or less.

Kari, who actually accepted my sister's little sister as her friend. She has more talent in her little finger than I do in my whole body.

Katherine who amazes me weekly. Despite being harassed by me, her Bible Study leader, she excels in life. She is a phenomenal mother. She is so comfortable in her own skin it's ridiculous. She goes to class and gets honors. I am amazed that she likes me at all!

See, I am not worthy of any of them. In most cases this is the first I have said that I call them my best friends when they aren't listening. I dare not speak it out loud because they may take that title away. They may confess that they are forced to be my friend by their mothers. Here's the thing, I wouldn't be the person I am without them. I wouldn't be proud of my inner nerd. I wouldn't dance just because. All I know is that my love and admiration only grows. Thank you friends.

I have no real friends either. Well, I do have one, but she only sees and talks to me when I visit her. I apparently have this idea that friendship is about giving time and helping out when needed, either physically or emotionally or spiritually. Others dont see it like that and so they disappear from my life almost as soon as they entered it. I am now coming to terms with being friendless. At 54 years young I trust there wont be too many years remaining to be this way. Have faith sister!

I've gone through periods of time when I felt just like you do now. The best way to get through them to to realize all the potential in yourself, and how wonderful YOU are. When you let that beauty and that awesomeness that I KNOW is in you shine through, then people will be thinking of you in the same way you think of them. Perhaps, people already think that, but you just haven't realized it yet ;)

Don't ever think you are unworthy to have these friends! They seem to be always there for you and many good times have been spent between you. Just knowing that you would be there for them whenever they need you most, is the best thing a friend can ask for. You truly know who your real friends are at the worst times, when it's most important for them to be right there with you.