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Being Drunk v/s Being Sober in a Club (Day 147)

Last weekend I went to a club in this new
city I am currently living in. I usually go to clubs when there are bands
playing live.That’s most of the times my starting point in relation to going to
such places; watching and listening to new bands playing live.

So, once I have seen the bands and listened to their music it’s like I am
already ‘done’ and I can go home because 'I already did what I had planned'. It
is different when I have been to such places without having a clear starting
point, because when I have done that in the past, it felt like being in a
contant state of ‘expecting something to happen’, which leads to anxiety, that’s
why you drink and smoke more – as though that physical action of directing your
hand towards your mouth in a repetitive way - creating a pattern - was going to
solve your inner state or give you a purpose.

Anyways, I went to this club with a new friend
and I was completely clean; no alcohol and no drugs in my body. The only thing
I drank was water and the only ‘drug’ I consumed was a hot dog once we got out
of that place lol.

So, I went to the techno/electro/dance sort
of room where the Djs play some music and you move the way you want. It was
cool because I was experimenting with my body doing different moves, even the
moon walk lol - no kidding. I was trying to make my body move in a synchronized
way, but at the same time trying different moves that you do not normally do because
they may seem ridiculous.

For a moment I felt like being drunk and
high. I was sweating and having fun on my own. Enjoying myself without needing
something external to be able to express myself. What I realized is that most
of the times people need that ‘extra boost’ to be able to express themselves in
a more ‘free way’. But what they do not realize is that through drinking
alcohol, they are only making their self-expression dependent on something
else, looking for that ‘freedom’ out of themselves, instead of giving themseves
the opportunity to develop it from the inside.

So, this new approach seems more real to
me, because it’s something I am developing from within myself. And what has
also supported me through this is singing or practicing rap songs while I am
walking in the street. You know, sometimes people look at you like “what?”, but
that’s the ‘worst’ thing you will get lol. It is like doing it for oneself and
it does not matter whether other people make fun of you or not, because they
have no idea and if they asked you, you explain, and then they will go “Oh, I
now understand”.

It’s like what happened the first day I went to my
new job. I went to the teachers’ room, left my backpack there and then went outside
to walk through the corridors, read what students/teachers had hanging on the
walls and those things, until one old man who apparently works there approached
me and said “Hi, may I help you? Who are you?” and I said “Hi, I am a new
teacher here”. He said “Oh, but you can come in”, and I said “Oh no, I have
decided to be outside because I like breathing the fresh air mornings bring,
plus I am having a look at the articles you have on the walls” and then he
understood. Other people might have perceived what I was doing as “The new
teacher is shy” lol.