Troopers / Laser Sword

Script

Troopers: Laser Sword

By Owen Parsons & Ben Joseph

INT. DREADLORD'S OFFICE
CHASE, RICH and LARRY hold a meeting with DREADLORD.
DREADLORD
Chase! You have failed me for the
last time!
CHASE
What?! We literally just sat down.
What did I do?
DREADLORD
Eh, not important. The important
thing is I get to try out my brand
new laser sword!
Dreadlord pulls out a shipping container and opens it.
DREADLORD
(as he unpacks)
BEHOLD! The instrument of your
demise- Ooo, bubble wrap!
RICH
Don't worry. We'll get you out of
here-
Larry, suddenly reading the instruction booklet on the other
side of the table, interrupts Rich.
LARRY
Dude! This thing has the new Eon 2
pain crystals!
RICH
What? Oh, awesome!
Rich, excited, leaves Chase and runs to join Larry.
Dreadlord clicks the sword. Nothing happens.
LARRY
(reading the manual)
Fusion cores not included.
DREADLORD
Ugh! Just give me the adapter.
Rich hands Dreadlord a POWER CABLE, which he plugs into the
wall. A LIGHT comes on the sword, indicating it has power.
DREADLORD
CHASE! You have failed me for the
last time-
Dreadlord extends the blade. It's BRIGHT PINK.
DREADLORD
What? PINK? I can't kill anybody
with this.
CHASE
Oh thank God-
LARRY
(reading)
Wait! You can adjust the color.
Dreadlord switches the sword through a variety of colors
before landing on a LIGHT PURPLE.
DREADLORD
There we go. Mauve. This is a
killing color.
Chase GROANS.
DREADLORD
Now prepare to die!
Dreadlord WHACKS Chase with the laser sword. It bounces off
him like it's made of plastic.
LARRY
Safety's on.
DREADLORD
Oh, for the love of-
Dreadlord fiddles. The sword falls like a loose rope.
DREADLORD
(with a hearty chuckle)
Whoa! I swear this never happens.
The guys join in hesitantly.
DREADLORD
No but seriously what the f*ck is
wrong with my laser sword?
RICH
I think you have it set on 'whip.'
Dreadlord flips the sword through a variety of settings:
LASER SHOVEL, FORK, BALLOON, etc. The blade disappears.
ROBOTIC VOICE
10... 9... 8... 7...
DREADLORD
Ooo! It counts!
RICH
Oh, God, that's the self destruct.
Rich runs over and hits a switch. The sword stops.
DREADLORD
Ugh. Just give me that manual.
Dreadlord takes the manual, begins reading and flipping
through settings.
DREADLORD
Sorry, Chase. Be right with you.
CHASE
Take your time. Seriously.
Dreadlord reads the manual, switching settings as he goes.
DREADLORD
X-ray. Laser pointer. Sword that
only kills ghosts? Well, that's
stupid. Who believes in ghosts?
Beat. Dreadlord waves the sword around his head frantically.
DREADLORD
(back to reading)
Ah! Here we go.
Dreadlord clicks on a LONG GREEN BEAM. Chase braces himself,
but Dreadlord's sword passes painlessly through him.
DREADLORD
Ha! Now you have cancer.
CHASE
(sad, quiet)
What?
DREADLORD
Yes! And now you DIE!
(casual)
In 6 to 8 months, depending on how
you respond to treatments.
RICH
We're going to fight this thing
with you, buddy.
Chase stands to leave. A quiet beat.
DREADLORD
Naw, this isn't gonna work, I need
something with more pop.
Dreadlord turns the sword into a standard blue laser sword.
DREADLORD
CHASE! You have failed me for the-
CHASE
-last time. Got it.
Dreadlord takes a step forward to kill Chase, but is stopped
by the sword's EXTENSION CORD, still plugged into the wall.
LARRY
(reading)
The red slider makes it longer.
Dreadlord fiddles with the sword.
RICH
But be careful, it's very sensi-
EXT. DREAD CRUISER
SUPER WIDE. A BRIGHT LASER pierces the top of the station.
INT. DREADLORD'S OFFICE
All stand, looking up at the sword going straight into the
ceiling.
RICH
Wow. Uh. Don't... Move...
DREADLORD
WHAT?
Dreadlord turns, lowering his station-skewering sword. On
SCREAMS and LASER CUTTING METAL, we CUT TO BLACK.
END.