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Thursday, August 7, 2014

Become an Agent #11

When eleven-year-old Cody’s too-busy-to-care parents break another promise, he decides to break one, too. He and his dog venture into the woods for the first time and discover an underground city with crystal caves, slugs-and-bugs soup, and new friends with awesome abilities like reading minds and seeing visions.Best. Home. Ever.Cody will do anything to fit in, so when the Detectors—the people who warn the city of dangers—start disappearing, he’s eager to help find them. Without the Detectors, the city is vulnerable to earthquakes, floods, and invasions by deadly beasts.But Cody’s search takes a pants-wetting turn when a sewer-smelling man-sized rat attacks him. At first, when Ratman tries to strangle him, it’s only in Cody’s mind. Then the same gag-so-bad smell surrounds Cody as an invisible force pushes him down the Devil’s Mouth hole, roasts him with a hot crystal, and tries to drown him in the river. And that makes Ratman way too real.Cody has no idea why this freaky fur-face is after him, but he won’t abandon his friends. He focuses his barely-there newfound ability to see visions on Ratman and discovers that the beast is mind-controlling the missing Detectors.With Cody’s visions as the only leads, it’s up to him to hunt down Ratman and stop whatever the whiskered weirdo is plotting in time to save himself, the Detectors, and his new home.250:

My parents stink at promises. That’s why I was racing across the grassy dog park with my golden retriever, heading to the woods. I’d decided for every promise my parents break, I get to break one, too. And after what happened this morning, they owed me one.Sunlight glared off fake fire hydrants as Sandy and I darted past. She didn’t even stop to pee. I stared ahead at the woods as I ran. The trees huddled together like giant aliens, studying us for some crazy experiment. The leaves flickered in the breeze as if a million green fingers were reaching out, begging us to come inside.This was gonna be so cool.Mom’s warning blared in my head for the millionth time. I mean it, Cody. It’s too dangerous. Gangs and drug addicts hang out in those woods. You’re never to go in there. Understand? Never.Never, huh.Mowed grass turned to tall weeds as Sandy and I got to the edge of the woods and stopped to catch our breath. This was the closest we’d ever been. Sweat dripped down my face and I wiped it with my Green Lantern t-shirt.My friends were gonna be stinking jealous if I went in without them. Sure, Matt and Zach were probably swimming in that freeze-your-toes-off lake at camp right now. Lucky turds. The only water I’d get to swim in this summer was in the bathtub. But this time, I’d have the best story to tell when they got back.

Eleven-year-old Cody is sick of his divorced parents breaking their promises so he breaks one, too. He ventures into the woods for the first time and discovers an underground city with crystal caves, slugs-and-bugs soup, and new friends with awesome abilities such as reading minds and seeing visions.

Best. Home. Ever.

Cody tries to fit in by helping his friends find the Detectors, the people who warn the city of dangers. The Detectors are disappearing, leaving the city vulnerable to earthquakes, floods, and invasions by deadly beasts.

But his search takes a dangerous turn when a stinky man-sized rat attacks him, and Cody has no idea why. At first, Ratman’s smelly claws reaching for Cody’s throat is only an illusion in Cody’s mind. But the same gag-so-bad stench surrounds Cody when an invisible force pushes him down the Devil’s Mouth hole, roasts him with a hot crystal, and tries to drown him in the river. And that makes Ratman way too real.

But Cody won’t break his promise to his friends. He focuses on Ratman as he learns meditation and develops visions of the freaky fur-face. From these, Cody suspects Ratman is controlling the minds of the missing Detectors. Now Cody is determined to use his visions to hunt down Ratman and stop whatever the whiskered weirdo is plotting in time to save himself, the Detectors, and his new home.First 250:My parents stink at keeping promises. So I decided for every promise my parents break, I’m gonna break one, too. And after what happened this morning, they owed me one. That’s why I was racing across the dog park with my golden retriever, heading to the woods.

As Sandy and I darted past the fake fire hydrants, she didn’t even stop to pee. Maybe she knew today was different. I stared at the woods ahead as I ran. The trees huddled together like giant aliens, studying us for some crazy experiment. The leaves flickered in the breeze as if a million green fingers were reaching out, begging us to come inside.

This was gonna be so cool.

Mom’s warning blared in my head. I mean it, Cody,” she’d said every summer. “It’s too dangerous. Gangs and drug addicts hang out in those woods. You’re never to go in there. Understand? Never.

Never, huh.

Mowed grass turned to tall weeds as Sandy and I got to the edge of the woods and stopped to catch our breath. This was the closest we’d ever been. Sweat dripped down my face and I wiped it with my Green Lantern t-shirt.

My friends were gonna be stinking jealous if I went in without them. Sure, Matt and Zach were probably swimming in that freeze-your-toes-off lake at camp right now. Lucky turds. The only water I’d get to swim in this summer was in the bathtub. But this time, I’d have the best story to tell when they got back.

Although I've already commented on my (lot) I was looking for non-YA submissions (not that I have anything against YA- I just like to mix it up a bit) - so I thought I'd comment on one or two MG and/or NA.

Query:This query didn't really grab me as it did the previous readers. The voice is great, but my issue was that the MC seems to go from older MG to child-like MC to much older MC all in a few lines. This confused me. He starts off sounding like he mouths off to his parents (which is fine) and then he is off inot the woods Huck Finn style and then he's off to solve a serious (adult) mystery.But this is just one opinion :)

1st 250I had the same issue with being unable to sort out your MC's age in the 1st 250. Again, great voice and some really great sharp fun lines but lines like this:Sunlight glared off fake fire hydrants as Sandy and I darted pastdoes not sound like a MC running around playing with his dog, which he was doing just a second ago.

This is good, but for me, the issue of the MC's maturity/age had me scratching my head.

I really like this. I like the voice and I like the concept. You jump right into the action, which is great. My only hangup, as an agent, would be the length--that's really long for MG. I almost want to say you should pitch it as YA, but the elements do sound strongly MG.

Yes (but if I were an agent, it would be on the condition that you trimmed it down a lot!) - 16

This one was really tough for me, but I liked another query slightly more so I have to say No.

Here was my dilemma: I LOVE the voice. It's fantastic, both in the query and the first 250. I think your MC talks just like a boy does.

But in the query, here's where you lost me: "But Cody’s search takes a pants-wetting turn when a sewer-smelling man-sized rat attacks him. At first, when Ratman tries to strangle him, it’s only in Cody’s mind." That first sentence has 3 hyphenated words in it, which makes it lose any flow. I am also totally confused about how he was strangled "in his head." After going back to re-read, I *think* I understand that these are visions he is having, but then again would an agent go back to re-read? I decided, probably not.

First, I love the voice. I love how it shines through in the query, too. My problem with this story is the plot. The attack from Ratman (even if it's only in his head) seems too detailed and grusome for an MG. If this were YA, the attack would be fine, but you want the main character to come home with a story (which would be MG), right?

Hi, it's a very close No from this audience member! My only hangup was Ratman sounds very MGish, but Detectors and Devil's Mouth sounds like it might be more YA . . .? Also, 75,000 is too long for an MG, and when I can only pick three, those two did this one in. Have to say I love the voice though! Good Luck.

To give you an idea of my own “agent” so you can understand why I am commenting the way I am:

If it is YA, I am hoping that it is intelligent YA. One of the best series that falls in the category for me is Harry Potter. Twilight and Divergent, to me, are trite and treat the reader as less intelligent than they are. The concepts, ideas, and language can be more complex. That is what I am looking for in all areas. BTW 30% of YA books right now are read by women in their 30s. Just sayin’.

NA? It better be intelligent and deal in some type of social commentary. Think of The Catcher in The Rye. This NA romance trend right now, to me, is appalling. Are scratching your head asking why The Catcher in The Rye? It still sells 50,000 copies per year, that’s why. The Lovely Bones fits in here for me as well, although it tracked well with females aged 13 - 20, which would make it more YA than NA.

MG? I read To Kill a Mockingbird, Animal Farm, and The Hobbit in the middle grande range. That would be the level of work I am looking for here.

Agent #12:

No.

There is a disconnect in the query for me with the age. I’m not sure how old he is supposed to be due to some of the phrases, pants-wetting as an example. Seems young for an eleven-year-old. The query could also be a bit more fluid to help set everything up and I am unsure of where Ratman is coming from and how he relates to anything. As it is written right now, he sounds like a psychopath, meaning he is attacking without an agenda or motive.

The first 250 just seems young for an eleven year old. It could also be location that changes my perception of what an eleven-year-old is like, but from where I am from, most eleven-year-olds have iPhones and iPads and would just be acting different.

I’m in the minority, but I’d read the heck out of this. The Ratman sounds SO creepy. He’s taking over Cody’s head to kill him? That’s terrifying. In fact, I think that he’s my main reason for saying yes. He sounds like a wickedly cool antagonist.

I’m also a-okay with the intense description of what the Ratman does. Most kids aren’t THAT easily scared, and the ones that are wouldn’t read a book like this. ;) In fact, I think I’ve heard equally gruesome and morbid things from kids half Cody’s age.

Query:The voice may seem a tad immature to some, but eleven is, what, fifth grade? The summer before sixth? It seems perfectly believable to me. Eleven strikes me as that age where some kids try to be mature way too fast, while others are still meandering around their childhood, not ready for all the grownup things that double digits seem to imply. That is, I’m cool with the childish voice, though I’d hope to see it change and grow as the story develops.

My main concern is the number of hyphenated phrases. One or two are a fine way to reflect voice, but you’re using them as a crutch. Especially since they show up eight times in your query and once more at the end of your 250 words. That’s just exorbitant and over the top. For some it may even edge towards obnoxious. There is, after all, too much of a good thing. Even clever things-that-weren’t-phrases-before-but-are-now. ;)

Additionally, I don’t quite get how Cody gets the ability to see visions? Or what he sees, exactly. Not knowing those very important things is causing me some pause. But it’s nothing that a quick clarifying sentence can’t fix. :)

250:Honestly, I don’t have a lot to suggest you fix. It kept my attention and seamlessly pulled me along through necessary backstory, while Cody was advancing the plot. Yay!

If I had to suggest anything, I’d smooth out the transition from the very first sentence to the second. It seems a bit incongruous to me that parents being distracted = going into woods. It’s immediately jarring, even though the very next sentence explains it.

And one other (Admittedly petty) thing: You use “million” twice in to show that Cody’s a hyperbolic little dude. It’s a wee bit repetitive.

In short: yes yes yes. Gimme. Yes.

- Audience Member @mostlytaylor

P.S. Go ahead and contact me on Twitter if you have any questions about anything I said.

I was doing great on your query until you introduced Ratman. I couldn't follow what was being said because the voice became too much. When you edit it, go for clarity. Every sentence of the query doesn't have to drip with voice--and you've got a lot--but I can't tell what's going on.

When I got to the first page I saw a lot of double verbs--"I was running"--which is fine for catching us up on the exact situation, but after the initial introduction, they should be cut. Just "I ran" is much more succinct. Direct simple language will help your story read because the double verbs put a distance between your reader and the action on the page. eliminate as much distance as you can to pull them into a tight POV. I'm afraid that the double verb issue is enough to make the writing not as strong as many of the other entries, so I really am sorry to pass on this, but I suspect that the whole manuscript needs a read to eradicate the unnecessary double verbs (and there's certainly time to do that before pitchwars, so you have time).

Word count makes me pause, a LOT. I think MG is something like 30-50k? The voice is pretty solid and so is the query, but that word count is daunting and I am pretty confused by a few things in the query like the first paragraph about the Ratman, as other commenters have said.

Good writing, sold voice, query just needs to be a little less confusing, more A to B to C, and that word count needs to be looked at.

Still a Yes from me! And I think the improvements you made to the query are great. The Ratman part is much clearer, and it reads more smoothly.

I'd still love to see more about what promises his parents broke, but if that's coming up soon after the end of the first 250, I could possibly wait. But it seems really important to know what drove him to abandon his home and family (even if that's not the focus of the story and it's a quick nod to establish that his parents are losers and he's well rid of them).

The revision did introduce one point of confusion for me: you mention a promise to his friends in the query, but don't say what that promise is.

I didn't comment on this one in the first round, but great voice and concept. The opening line of the query immediately pulled me in. I had a couple questions -- about what promise the parents had most recently broken and what promise Cody made to his friends. The first 250 were a lot of fun and I'd read on -- though the word count does need to come down. A 'yes' from me. (#9)