I haven’t spoken
about the Gramblerplan diet of late.You
are perhaps wondering if I am still on the diet.Indeed I am and I am feeling pretty
chuffed.At the last weigh-in, I had
shed 4 pounds.That makes up for putting
on that pound at the previous weigh-in.In all I have now lost over half a stone (that always sounds good when
you are talking about weight loss doesn’t it).Okay, the weight drop may be slow, but I don’t ever feel hungry.I just follow the Gramblerplan rules – Eat
less, exercise more – and it works.

Now, losing
weight can also cause the odd problem.People who lose a lot of weight often have loose folds of skin to
contend with.Think ‘bingo wings’.Hopefully that won’t happen to you or
me.But it has got me thinking.Not only must we follow the Gramblerplan
diet, we must consider toning up those muscles that lie beneath the flab.Can anyone remember Charles Atlas?Not personally, of course; he died over 40
years ago. However, he used to advertise his brilliant method of improving
muscles.He called it dynamic
tension.I am guessing Charles Atlas
wasn’t his real name (His real name was Angelo Sicilliano.Wonder where he came from.).Otherwise he might have ended up as a
cartographer (person who draws maps).Geddit?Atlas?Map?Forget it.Apparently, it often happens that people
follow a profession associated with their name.Thomas Crapper is one who springs to mind.He was a manufacturer of toilets and is
credited with inventing the ballcock.You see ‘Crapper’ – one who craps.Never mind.Did you know that
Carry On star Kenneth Williams* started his working career as a
cartographer?Yes.And did you know his real name was Mapp?Stupid of Mr and Mrs Williams to call their
son Mapp, but there you are.

Anyway.Dynamic tension.The story goes that the young Angelo was a 97
pound weakling and when he was on the beach somewhere in Italy, a bully kicked sand in his face.Humiliated, the budding Charles Atlas decided
to build up his body and tried various regimes, none of which worked.It was on a visit to a zoo he was watching a
lion stretch and realised that animals don’t use any barbells or weights for
muscle gain; it was simply a case of pitting muscle against muscle.The rest, as they say, is history.

So, dynamic
tension is the pitting of muscles against each other.How do we do this, I hear you ask.Well, here’s a for instance – While sitting
(or standing or even lying on your back; it’s up to you) expel all the air from
your stomach and, while doing so, draw your stomach back as far as you
can.Hold this position for 6 to 10
seconds and then breathe in and relax.Repeat every 30 seconds or so for, say, 10 minutes.The beauty of this exercise is that you can
do it anywhere whether you are sitting or standing.One problem is that people might think you
are having a seizure as you perform the exercise!You can do a similar exercise when driving –
not when you are on the move of course but certainly when you are stopped at
lights.Again, expel the air from your
stomach and holding the steering wheel at the 3 and 9 o’clock position try to squash the steering
wheel.Hold for 6 to 10 seconds and
breathing in, relax.Fellow motorists
will look at you as if you are a lunatic, but f*** em.

*Kenneth Williams was never called Mapp.His full name was always Kenneth Charles
Williams.

Any birthdays
this week?Neil Sedaka.Yes this week old Neil reaches the ripe old
age of 75 and he’s still performing.Wowing pensioners the world over.No doubt he is still singing his classic Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen.Have
you ever analysed the lyrics to that song?No?Here’s a small sample...

Tonight's the night I've waited
for
Because you're not a baby anymore
You've turned into the prettiest girl I've ever seen
Happy birthday sweet sixteen

That is a bit bloody suspect, isn’t it?What the singer appears to be is some old perv who has been waiting to
have his way with an underage girl.The
inference is that he is being a gentleman by waiting until her 16th
birthday.‘Grooming’ I think is the word
they use nowadays.

Okay, let’s not dwell on that.It’s
time to get down to the serious business of gramblerising one of Neil’s songs.Which one?Could it be anything other than Grambler Girl?You don’t know it?You will recognise it, I am sure.

I love, I love, I love my
grambler girl
Yeah, sweet grambler girl,
I love, I love, I love my grambler girl
Each and every day of the year

Ooh, he sounds an right blibbing one that nearly darker
bloke.He sounds as if he’s one of them…What
are they called again?Something to do
with computers.PDF files!That’s it.He sounds like one of them.He
wrote that Armadillo song for Tony Crispy, you know.He wrote lots of songs for lots of people to
sing.He used to write them in that Brillo
Building.He wrote that Stupid Cun…No,
that’s not it.Stupid Cupid.That’s what I meant.He wrote that one for that woman fellow…What
was her name again?Connie someone.What was that Irish airline?Aer Lingus.That’s it, Connie Li…No, that
can’t be right.Ooh, I’m getting mixed
up with that film.The one with Nicolarse
Cake in it.Connie Air.Hang on, that’s not her name.she’s got the same name as the Pope
bloke.Alexander!No that doesn’t sound right…etc. etc.ad infinitum.

Ahem.Grambling time, I think. So did The Grambler give us a return on our
bet this week?Did he/she/it fu… No,
he/she/it didn’t.What went wrong, I
hear you ask.I don’t really hear you;
that would be weird.Hearing
voices.No I don’t hear voices.

Don’t you?

Of course I don’t.

Here’s what happened.

Game 1 – Blackpool vs Bournemouth –
Prediction Draw – Nope!

Blackpool 0 Bournemouth 1

Poor old Blackpool, eh.Eighteen
games without a win.That is shocking by
any club’s standards. Their
awful run has seen them slip to 19th in the table, only six points clear of the
relegation zone, and caretaker-manager Barry Ferguson remains without a win.

And Bournemouth?Let manager Eddie Howe
have his say.

“The last two games for us have been
huge and we knew this was going to be a tough game.

“We were under no illusions, despite their long wait
for a win we knew they would give everything to turn their season around and I
think it made it a cagey affair.

We defended for our lives?A bit dramatic, mate.It is a ‘game’ of football and it is ‘played’
by two teams of eleven.Just thought I
would point that out.

Game 2 – Leeds
vs Bolton – Prediction Draw – Nope
again

Leeds 1 Bolton 5 (That’s five folks)

Manager Brian McDermott witnessed the heaviest
home defeat of his Leeds reign and then brushed aside questioning about his
future. Bolton's 5-1 victory left Leeds' play-off hopes hanging by the thinnest
of threads.It was Leeds' first home
game since McDermott thought he had been sacked by the potential owner Massimo Cellino on 1 February, only to be rapidly
reinstated.If that had happened to me I
reckon my thinking would be that my coat was definitely on a shoogly nail.

Bolton's win was their third in succession, while
Leeds have won only two of their past 14 matches.

Let’s have a few words from Mr McDermott, shall
we.

“Obviously I am bitterly disappointed. During the first half there was
nothing in the game.

“They scored just before half-time, which was a blow. We got done
quickly by two set-plays, lost our shape and that was it. You could tell the
players were nervous in the first half.

“It is a bad day for us. We've had a couple like that, it's not
acceptable and we have to analyse the reasons.”

Top cliché-ing, Brian.

Game 3 – Gillingham vs Crawley – Prediction Away – Nope yet again

Gillingham 1 Crawley 0

Wrong again.The visitors, who
were unbeaten in seven league games, had the best of the early chances, but
Billy Clarke missed the target twice when well placed. Pillock!

Molyneux scored with a low free-kick before following in when Danny
Webber's penalty was saved by Tommy Lee [Not the Tommy Lee, surely – Ed].

Peter Murphy was sent off for a bad challenge on Spireites midfielder
Dan Gardner before Molyneux wrapped up the win after poor defending.

The visitors pulled one back when Ian Evatt slotted in from close
range.

Despite the defeat, the Spireites remained top of League Two, one point
clear of Scunthorpe, who were held at home by Northampton.

Victory for James Beattie's side moved them six points clear of the
League Two relegation zone. All
together now…

Everybody Stanley

Keep it in the family

They can do the Stanley too

They’ll like it.

And finally, Cyril?And finally
Esther…

Game 5 – Dunfermline vs Stenhousemuir – Prediction Home – One more time – Nope!

Dunfermline 0 Stenhousemuir 0

Lawrence Shankland should have
put Dunfermline ahead as early as nine minutes but he fluffed his lines (To be
or not to be, that is the gzorganblatt) when clean through in what was to be a frustrating
afternoon for Jim Jefferies' team.
Shankland continued to knock on the door in the second-half but somehow his
effort stayed out after Stenhousemuir goalkeeper Chris Smith dropped a corner
at his feet before Jonathan Page and Allan Smith both went agonisingly close
for the hosts.

Any road up, what about this
week’s predictions, I hear you ask.Well, this Saturday, the 15th of March in the year of our
Lord 2014 when the clock do striketh 3 - Ooer, I’m getting all mediaeval –
there are 50 matches for The Grambler to randomly select from…..

And I have the 5 predictions
before me now.All from the English
leagues this week and not 1, but 2, from the Premiership [Whoop de f***ing doo
– Ed].

Game – Result – Odds

Everton vs
Cardiff City – Home win – 4/11

Our first game this week takes us
to Goodison Park where the Toffees play host to the Blue/Redbirds.The Grambler has predicted that this will end
with the points going the way of the Toffees.I have no argument with that.Everton have lost only one game at home this season; Cardiff have not won
a single game away from home all season.Do I need to go on?No.

Sunderland
vs Crystal Palace – Away win – 14/5

Game number two and we head to
the north east man.That’s how they talk
up there man.They say man at the end of
every sentence man.All right when
talking to blokes, not so good talking to women – ‘Eee, Mary man’.Any road up, the Black Cats play host to the
Glaziers at the Stadium of Light man.For
this one The Grambler predicts an away win man.Both clubs are struggling down at the bottom of the table and, although
they have lost their past 2 games, have the better recent record man.Crystal Palace have won only 2 away games all
season man.Sunderland have fared a
little better in their home games; 3 won in the league man.In the cup competitions, they have actually
won 8 home games man!In the teams’ only
other meeting of recent times Crystal Palace took the points, but that was a
home fixture man.Hmm man.

Millwall vs
Charlton Athletic – Home win – 13/10

For game number three we head to
the Den where the Lions (ROAR!!) play host to the Red Robins (tweet!).The Grambler predicts that Millwall will take
all the points from this one.Millwall
have the better record in recent meetings between the two having won two and
drawn one of the last three encounters.However,
they don’t have a great home record having won only 5 home games all
season.Charlton have an even worse
record in away matches having won only 2 league games on the road.Has The Grambler predicted correctly?We will find out at 5 o’clock on Saturday.

Queens Park
Rangers vs Yeovil Town – Home win – 1/2

For our penultimate (That’s a
good word.Must look it up.) game we
head to Loftus Road where the ‘Oops play host to the Glovers.Once again The Grambler predicts a home
win.Not so sure about that,
Grambler.QPR have lost 4 of their last
6 games whereas Yeovil have lost only one over the same period.Methinks a draw would be the least Yeovil can
expect.

Southend
United vs Bury – Draw – 21/10

And finally, Cyril?And finally Esther (Ever had a feeling of déjà vu?) we head to Roots
Hall where the Shrimpers play host to the Shakers.For this encounter The Grambler is staying
firmly on the fence by predicting a draw.Southend have won only 4 home games in the league this season.Hardly a great record.It is the same number as Bury have won on the
road.A draw is looking like a
possibility.Their last four encounters
have ended in draws.Hmm.Not so sure now.Five in a row?Hmm.

Well, that’s it for another week my little
gramblerados.Five predictions made.The bets are on (the usual 10 doubles and a
five game accumulator) and, if [If…If…If! – Ed.] it comes up, the Bobby Moore
Fund (via https://www.justgiving.com/Geraldine-Smith3 )will benefit by… fanfare please…

Before we go, I have to mention a wee sad note.My favourite politician died this week.Tony Benn.He was a staunch socialist when the Labour Party moved ever towards the
right (as in political right).He always
fought for the rights (as in civil liberties) of the individual.I loved the comment he made when he retired
from parliament in 2001; he said he wanted
to "spend more time on politics".Brilliant.

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