Friday, May 12, 2006

Thursday, May 11, 2006

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's areason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don'tparticularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of thefootball team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unlessyou're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that ahuman finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less thana dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a betterdescription for these kids: "lucky bastards".New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of youridols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men careabout your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we'redone.New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisleof this crap at the supermarket, water, but without thatwatery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You wantflavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt.That's your flavored water.New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesignedpill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. Andthe top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to openit, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target,you just solved the Social Security crisis.New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grandehalf-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino,extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and oneNutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge ass hole.New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn'tmake you spiritual. It's right above the crack of yourass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you didanything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.You're not spiritual. You're just high.New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadlysins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of CompetitiveEating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just toodamned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,I'll go nuts and eat two.New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, oldtelevision shows, then you have to give everyone inthe Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.Let's remember the reason something was a television show in thefirst place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.New Rule: (and this one is long overdue): No more bathroom attendants. AfterI zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like Ijust had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know inmonths. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place."