The Kweendom of Abstraction

life

Wow…2013 was an interesting year. A lot has happened. I wish I could give a month by month blow…but my memory ain’t so good anymore. lol I’ll just do my best to think of the things that stuck out the most.

I turned 40!!! I had a sweet close-knit gathering with my best girls (some were missing and MISSED). In the thick of it, my BFF Joy and I met the newest addition to our circle, Ms. Tina. We had a great time…even though I feel the weekend was MIGHTY short. I could’ve been the belle of the ball for at LEAST a week more 😀

It was also the month I suffered a meniscus injury…so, I was hobbling at the birthday event. Nonetheless…I had a wonderful time.

I spent a lot of time honing my graphics design company, FFK (Fancy Face Kreations) and building a customer base. I’m STILL doing that. It ain’t easy…but, I love it.

A family member who’d been fighting cancer, got a clean bill of health after a VERY close call. God is GOOD.

…and even though later this year, I lost a different family member to cancer…God is STILL good. He was a wonderful person and his legacy is a worthy one.

I went to my first outdoor concert with Joy. Lianne La Havas! I swear, I’ve never had so much fun while standing for 6 hours!! There couldn’t have been a more fit person to share that experience with. Joy and I both share a wonderful love of music…and Lianne brought a cool memory we’ll both remember. I spent the weekend in Harlem for once (Joy normally camps here on select weekends) and it was nice to be her guest! 🙂

I also got to watch one of my kiddies get married. I sat Catrina as a baby and to see this young woman walk the aisle into her love’s arms was a beautiful gift. Born 3 months early, my preemie baby girl has flourished into a sweet young woman whose life is touched with golden things. I was so giddy over that. I also felt OLD. I had to remind myself that I was given her as a responsibility at the age of 13…so, yea. lol

Even though, between enduring some tense moments with a couple of house guests and some unexpected and mind-blowing drama from someone I thought to be a friend…I managed to remain in the presence of mind I’m in. Blessed. Loved. Purposed for something all mine and happy to be a part of God’s plan.

With life and death, ends and beginnings…friends coming and going…life continues to tick forward. Every second is another second past the old. Every day is a new chance to see life differently than the day before.

I spent this Christmas alone…and it wasn’t all that bad (If you don’t count the burn in the palm of my hand from grabbing a searing hot pan from the oven, sans mitt O_O). I made myself a Christmas dinner of lamb chops, apple cider-ginger glazed carrots and spinach-artichoke in puff pastry. I drank Moscato and enjoyed holiday-themed movies…as I fawned over the many friends and family who DID get to spend that day with someone.

I’ll be alone for New Year’s Eve and I’m okay with that, too. I try not to put TOO much stock in the need to celebrate specific days for life. Every day is a New Year for us who can say we saw that day the year before. Every day is Christmas if you’re glorifying the Savior’s life. Every day is Valentine’s Day if you appreciate your mate…and so forth.

I can reflect with the rest of you, but every day I open my eyes is a new day…a year to the date of awakening. I pray that I get some things right. I pray that my purpose continues to evolve and grow into something that can create MY legacy. I pray that AMAZING things come my way as old and stale things go away.

Day 31, the last day of the challenge…was dedicated to whatever word each blogger felt like using. I chose the word “life”.

Before I get into my word…I’d like to thank those who participated. Mahogany Dymond, who requested this challenge, I hope you got out of this what you hoped for. No Labels Unleashed…thank you for giving your all. Lamont Clark did not finish and we had another participant who though she didn’t have a blog, did so on her Facebook page.

Thanks again…hopefully, we’ll have another soon and try again to be unique, expressive and honest. Onto my word…

Life is beginning, and ending and beginning in the middle. Life is cycling…forward, upward and toward destinies and purposes. Life is slipping away from and skipping right up to us every single day. Life is here…and either we’re living it…or we’re missing it.

It’s been an interesting week. I sigh in the aftermath of an emotional turn of events. Some are somber and at least one is the bright spot of it all.

Last Saturday, a beloved family member died. I would be lying if I said that death has me shaken since 2010 where at least three people I knew and loved passed away. Since then, my paternal family had it’s ups and downs, with a cousin falling ill with cancer (and recovering NICELY at this time). She got sick almost back to back with us losing our grandmother. Prayers were prayed diligently and religiously. Thank God she was spared and is now bouncing back wonderfully.

Unfortunately, last year…her stepmother died unexpectedly (to those of us unaware of her sickness). Last August when she died, left a chasm in my family centered around money. I’ve chosen to remain on the outside of that situation. I want no parts of that. Money is never important enough for me to betray nor go against my blood. I’d rather be broke.

Either way, this last death was sudden…but not really. Our last time seeing one another he didn’t look too great, but I want to say I put those concerns in a place called denial and prayed he was okay. He wouldn’t be. This is just one more hit to my paternal family and it seems incessant. I don’t know what to think anymore and it’s created a sense of worry…maybe even paranoia.

Anyway…

Two days later, a situation was brought to light concerning someone I once saw as being a friend. I was angry for two days and that’s all I gave her. I wasn’t in the mood for it and have decided that life goes on and that’s it. I’m moving forward and hope that this week begins as a close to that other shit. I’m so done.

Everything also happened during the week where I wasn’t feeling too great. I went to the doctor’s though, so I’m good.

One of the better parts of my week have to do with my friend DeAnna. She was placed on the National Kidney Transplant List and hopefully it won’t take too long. I cried and thanked God. I pray Godspeed over her and that her wait is no wait at all. Read her blog on it HERE.

Tomorrow is my cousin’s funeral. I ain’t ready. I dreamed of him and woke up crying. He was one of those people who when you think of cool people who stay the same no matter how much time goes between seeing one another…you think of him. He was a staple in my childhood and I can’t remember him ever being mean, petty or disrespectful. He’ll be sorely missed. I’m just blown that he’s gone…

A C C O U N T A B I L I T Y is another rare commodity in the ‘game’ of love/friendships

Hard-headed muhfuhs. How can you live a life NEVER being in the wrong, NEVER listening to leadership. NEVER caring what you do to others…yet, expect all that you NEVER give from EVERYONE? I’ve found that a lot of people prefer to “move on” and attempt to build new friendships rather than apologize for their part in past failed friendships. Until you deal…you’ll be making the same mistakes over and over.

Very few respect the concept of boundaries. When to quit. Where to draw the line. How to know their place.

The internet has made “stars” out of people; I’m all for a successful following…what burns my last piece of toast is when people place themselves above the very following they need to be a star. A lot will say, “I don’t need anyone to validate my awesomeness…”. I’d say, “I beg to differ my attention thirsty friend…”

There are a dying breed of free thinkers who haven’t had the chance to pass on their sagacious ways to the folly of fools. All that has done is left us with a band of idiots…in most cases…leading the way

Superiority Complex: There’s such an epidemic of elitism going around. No one wants to be the commoner, but the truth is…we’re all commoners with material things being the deciding factor of importance. We live in a capitalist, superficial and materialistic world and it’s given many people the idea that they are above others because of one thing or another. Whether that thing is money, looks, or station…people seem to be constantly looking down their noses at SOME one. How small of them…

I know that seems like a lot of complaining…and it is. I’m not here to excuse away my feelings. This is my own personal blog and its purpose is to serve as my sounding board. I feel like the best thing I can do for myself and others is to remain low key. Until the feeling I’m experiencing subsides, it’s best for me to sit quietly and use that energy to recharge my temperance.

The truth is overall…I don’t EXPECT people to do right. I only HOPE that they can see their influence, their impression…their effect on others. I try hard to be cognizant of my behavior and how I come off…but, I’m not perfect either. I do wrong. I make mistakes. My only hope is that anyone within reach of my wrongdoing would be honest with me and tell me where I’ve gone wrong. Other than that…I’m living to the best of my ability. I’m working EVERY day to be the kind of person God can smile upon with a father’s pride.

I’m so shady to you all. If there’s no challenge…I don’t even show up for school. HA! So…HI EVERYBODY!! 😀

Not really…just had a lot on my plate. I can’t even begin to list the reasons why my days seem like a cluster of mashed “things”.

From physical ailments, business, family, etc…I’ve had little time for (nor desire to be) blogging. I’ve been a sporadic socializ’r on Facebook and Twitter…opting for tumblr instead. There, I can scroll, scroll, scroll and get inspiration, humor, music, photos, etc…and don’t have to utter a word to anyone. I’ve been quite good with the anonymity that comes with being a small blog with not a lot of “fans” to talk to.

btw…I hate the word “fans”. I use it to speak of other levels of notoriety. I’m a “fan” of Jill Scott. I’m however NOT a fan of a Twitter blogger. I am a follower, by the technicality that it’s CALLED “following”. Speaking of which, I’ve been questioning this fandom thing and how annoying it can be to try and socialize (because we’re on social media websites) and have people who have a “fan base” ignore select people. There’s no one I’d ignore unless the comments were spam, harassing or just not in line with what’s acceptable for ways to speak to people. These folks get a little piece of the Internet and think that they’re above everyone else. How I change my mindset…is to stop participating. You can’t make someone else bigger than you…and especially bigger than GOD. Quit it.

I can’t deal with a lot of the fuckery I see. It’s senseless. As an artist and a sensitive heart I have to deprogram myself from time to time. I do this by logging out and finding constructive things to do…like make jewelry. This is my first time making jewelry. I have friends on Facebook who do it for a living and I’ve patronized a few, but I’m on a budget right now and prefer to get what I want or need by DIY means.

I love this one. Meant to be a bracelet, it is now an anklet (too big)

I like the colors here.

I actually can’t wait to go to Michael’s or AC Moore’s so I can scoop up some more tools. I have NO plans on selling it. I don’t have the patience to do it over and over by demand. It’s just a hobby for me at this point…something to meditate to.

I’ve had a few stresses (nothing serious) but a girl needed an outlet.

Side Note: My girl Joy hooked me up with a new listen. Lianne La Havas. Hadn’t heard her before and now I’m addicted to her. lol We’ll be going to a concert in Central Park in July! *YAY US*

Here’s one of my favorite songs by her! Talk to you later!!! ~smooches~ ❤

I have a full on, grown up, daydream that wears heels and thongs and walks with an attitude. My daydream could be a short story…

It starts with Laz Alonso. In my daydream, he’s my man. He brings me to all of his events…this time, I’m dragging HIM along, See, Oprah’s interviewing me on “Oprah’s Next Chapter” and she wants to know all about me and my books.

We sit on her couch, hold hands and he tells Oprah how I support him and make him feel like no woman ever has…and Oprah tells us the same thing she told Beyonce and J-Hud! “Don’t tell everyone your business…” and we promise to remain private. Oprah wants to know how I lost weight after the wedding and I just tell her, “All that good lovin’ Laz be putting down…worked it RIGHT on off”…even though…he wants me to gain some weight. He liked me better before. So we tell Oprah we won’t let nobody come between us and we’ll stay out of the spotlight.

…but, it doesn’t matter because everywhere Laz goes he waves into the camera and says hi to his “mami”…that is, when I’m not beside him, wowing the crowd. Folks saying, “That’s Kween…the author…her books are BANANAS!!”

The paps and press are yelling to get photo ops for both of us! “LAZ! LAZ!” “KWEEN, OVER HERE…KWEEN!!” and I pause. They click and BOOM, we’re off to an event.

When we’re not show-stopping, we’re home or on a vacation. We love to travel. Every other trip is one of our own. Last trip, Laz chose…this trip, I choose. We end up in Bora Bora and have a bungalow on the water. We do water activities and hike during the day…blow each others…minds at night. lol

We have a few homes. We live in L.A. mostly for his shows and movies. We have one in upper Westchester which is near my family and we have one in Miami…we’re thinking of buying a chateau in France. I love France.

This winter, we’re visiting my girl Joy and her husband, Jesse. They invited us over to celebrate the birth of their new baby girl. She’s gorgeous…looks just like me. hahaaa! We’re waiting for Maria and her man to bring they ass…always late, them two. If only they’d stop pulling over and getting it in they could make it some damn where on time.

My main home in L.A. is gorgeous…it overlooks Malibu Beach. We have an infinity pool, a huge vegetable garden, fruit trees, tennis and basketball courts and a huge gourmet kitchen. Our bedroom is amazing and has two huge closets…his and hers. The bathroom is like another bedroom, but with a bathtub and shower.

Everything is beautiful here and I couldn’t be happier…except for the few times of year one of my exes hits me up wanting to know “How I’m durn…”

Let me begin this by saying…I am a super-private person. I don’t like living my life’s ups and downs in front of a crowded stadium of the cyber-audience known as the Internet. I believe that your business is yours and you should be careful with whom you share your problems with. True enough, speaking on your issues can help someone else, but everything doesn’t have to be a wide open, spread-eagle, free-for-all of your most intimate moments. Having said that…I have to write this. If for no other reason, then to get through it and over it.

My father and I have struggled for years. I’m an immovable Capricorn and he’s a brash and bull-dozing Taurus. He and I, since the beginning of my adolescence…have had a back and forth, biting rapport. He had a tendency to say mean things…or at least I felt that way about it.

Though he is sober now…probably going on 16 or so years…he was an addict all of my childhood and adolescence. I know of the coke, the crack and the alcohol…I suspect heroine as well. I know that his relationship with my mother was tumultuous. I know a lot of things. Some…I wish I didn’t.

It doesn’t change the fact that now…even in his sober mind…he’s not changed a whole lot. I suppose with anything (including addictions), that learned behavior is hard to break. The longer you practice, the better at it you become. Well, my father was a selfish addict. Now…he’s just selfish.

My grandmother, his mother passed away in 2010. She was my heart. Loved that lady. With her gone…I see how she was the buffer. She was the go-between. I knew that…but, now I REALLY know that. Whenever I needed anything, I’d ask her and she’d ask him. Asking HIM was surely a way to have my needs forgotten. Constant reminding would become my job and eventually I’d get exasperated by the chase of him, rescinding my request. Surely, his plan…or at least his pleasure. Hell, I’m sure that a LOT of times my grandmother gave me money in his name so I wouldn’t feel some kinda way.

Either way…nothing has changed.

When my grandmother died, he of course became power of attorney for her affairs. In spite of the fact that my grandmother gave her policy to my aunt, it was my father who was able to cash it. All of a sudden my father needed to replace his 2 year old car with a new model and his not-THAT-old laptop as well. I don’t recall him asking my sister and I if there was anything we needed. He didn’t even offer my aunt anything, even though it was SHE my grandmother trusted to hold onto it. Luckily for him…I don’t feel the need to “profit” from my grandmother’s death. His forgetting us is just a reminder that in the thick of a time when we needed each other the most, he fell back into old habits and thought of no one but himself. That includes, making it very clear that his girlfriend (with her needy, manipulative ass) came first.

The GOOD thing here? I’ve never really asked him for much of anything. I surely don’t EXPECT him to do shit. I just observe the way he does family business and I’m confident that my stance is a smart one. Offering distant love.

In all of the years of his substance abuse, I’ve never taken jabs at him about what he didn’t do for me. I feel it’s futile to exhume past bones I buried in my 20’s. What gets me and at times makes the balls of my feet itch, is to have someone want father accolades and kudos with his chest stuck out proudly…when he’s done not a thing to garner that, except seed us. Half of what he DID do, he did seemingly, under duress of my grandmother’s influence and insistence.

The drugs, the alcohol, the streets, his friends and his girlfriends were always his priority. He even told a story at his one year sobriety anniversary about how he’d taken me on runs. A baby…barely 2…sitting in the back of a Buick Riviera, as he hit drug spots in Harlem. *that explained the deja vu I felt as a child riding through certain areas on my way to a class outing* I cringed at his confession…I cried. I felt abandoned, even though I was with him. Does that sound weird?

Anyway. Here we are…in 2012…and I refuse to go along for the ride anymore. I refuse to sit in the back and coo lovingly…blindly at a father who refuses to look back, see his child and stop his shit.

I slept a little from 10 til 12ish and now I’ll be up until around 4 or so. THAT means, I’m flipping back and forth between TV and Internet…more TV than Internet. I’m burning the midnight oil on tumblr and Pinterest with a little dip back and forth on Facebook, which means I’m shaking my head at the confuckery (confused fuckery) that seems to incessantly infect my feeds and dashboards. Goodness…

So, here it goes…my rare randoms:

1~ There’s a LOT of angry little Black children on the net. I remember in my 20’s when I was a political and informational zealot. Learn new things? Rage against the machine!!!! This shit is sickening though. They can’t tell what they’re maddest at…slut-shaming, Beyonce’s light skin or gay marriage. Don’t get me started with the arguments on natural hair. *hiss*boo*hush*

2~ Folks brag on the WRONG shit. UGH. I’ll let you fill in the blanks…because I’d be here all morning…

3~ Muhfuggas forget REAL fast when their asses are happy, just how much of an annoying, sad, bitter and complaint-ho they were. I bet you dollars to donuts (whatever THAT means) …that the moment they’re boo-less, every social media outlet they’re signed into will get the news that they’re single and oh…fuck love! ~____~

4~ I can’t believe how cliquish people still are…so closed off to new friends.

5~ Food Porn 101: Don’t take pics of food that aren’t discernible. If your stew looks like shit and your potato salad looks like pig slop…save us the trouble of losing OUR last meal. #everyonesaphotographer

Why does this tickle me so?

6~ If I were Chris Bosh, I’d go to Disneyland…in Tokyo…dressed in a Goofy costume…just to avoid the public. #lookslikebukkake #eww #hismoufwasopen

7~ Kind of connected to #3…um, I wish people would quit getting new on FB…especially if your ass has the timeline. There’s scrolling PROOF that you’re an UNSTABLE CREATURE! Quit acting like you fly above when you been slinging pigeon shit for the longest…

8~ It’s a damn shame that people…men and women alike, still play mental games. SO glad my ass is single.

9~ I want some folks to boycott Mob Wives. Since Basketball Wives is SO damn violent…go on and boycott them other chicks. The fighting on there is a LOT worse than the bickering and ATTEMPTS to fight on BW. Have y’all seen Drita connect with a chick’s jaw? Hell, even them chicks on Jersey Shore have had it out…don’t just single out the coloreds.

10~ I’m a rebel. I wore panties on No Panties Day and now…I’m drawlz-less. In yo FACE!

11~ There are kamikaze spiders in my room…

12~ I officially can’t stand tumblr, Twitter & Facebook famous folks. You too good to respond to folks’ comments? O__O

13~ I’m officially feenin’ for an Avengers and Thor 2.

14~ While I’m on movies…I STILL love the end of First Wives Club! *it just went off*

15~ I’ll leave you with this last one…why is it so easy for women to turn on each other?

So there you have it. A midnight random rant…courtesy of me, Kween. lol

It’s interesting that my current state of introspection coincides with the new year. For me, it has less to do with the actual chronological year as it does the series of events that have taken place up til now. This shit could’ve happened in the middle of summer and I’d be tapping my fingers and scratching my head.

I had a lot of fun in 2011 and a little pain. I honestly think I had more fun than pain. It just so happens that the pain ended the year. No biggie…I’m made from strong stuff and therefore I am resilient. I’ve learned something that is hard for me…that some people don’t deserve entry into our lives. Persistence is not always persistence….but, annoying determination. Some people only persist for the challenge and not the actual desire to be close to you. I often forget that most people’s intentions are never as honest or forthcoming as my own. Lesson learned.

In this year…2011 brought healing to special people in my life. My cousin is almost 100% cancer-free and my sister~friend IS 100% cancer-free. I have others in my life that struggled with their health but I believe in prayer and miracles. I found out a friend of mine from high school succumbed to cancer a few years ago and I was heartbroken. I dreamed of her and another friend for years…often feeling something wasn’t right. One, I touched based with on Facebook a few years ago and her health has turned around tremendously…while the other, whom I could never find…passed without my even knowing…before I could see how life had treated her.

Rest In Peace, Autumn...

I’ve learned that sometimes my kindness IS weakness. I need to remember that while I’m mindlessly bonding and enjoying the people I meet…some people are simply figuring out what they can gain from me. I’ve got to keep my eyes as open as my heart is and in turn close my mind to some things. Yes, I said CLOSE MY MIND. I jokingly say to my sista Joy that I don’t think outside of the box because there IS NO box for me…but, perhaps I need to sit a little box nearby for the discarding of things…or perhaps as a treasure keeper…just to remind me of what’s at stake. What can be lost. Perhaps then…my perspective will be less abstract and more logical. Less optimistic and more opportunistic. I try to be of this world but not IN it…trying to keep myself from being swept up in the ideals and expectations of society…but, sometimes I’ve got to be honest with myself and acknowledge that there are many who do live that credo and therefore box me in whether I want to be or not. As an artist, I’m constantly fighting to be free to be me…but at times, that fight leaves me alienated.

Everything from how I think, to how I speak, to how I look…determines what’s drawn to me. The good and the bad. I can’t disregard what’s bad just because I’d rather see the good. There are times when assholes will filter in and it’s up to me to put up the force field of protection to keep them from embedding themselves into me like a parasite underneath the skin.

This year has been a blessing in so many ways. I bonded with someone that I didn’t expect in a million years. My girl Tei came out of nowhere and stole my friendship heart. She’s become an intricate piece of fabric in my chosen family quilt. I’ve got a handful of wonderful people in my life who have had my back throughout it all. Whether I speak to them everyday or not…they love me and give me their all. As my ex loved to say, “Fair exchange is no robbery”.

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions anymore. I said recently to my mom that everyday…EVERY day that we wake up is a new year because we saw this day last year. 2012 is a new year for the calendars…but it’s just another day for me to get it right. For me to be closer to achieving the full circle lessons and being blessed to level up and be that much more on the right path to divine purpose.

God bless you all…I’ve loved you from the start…I’ll love you ’til the end.