[ open on exterior scene from the Old West ] [ dissolve to interior, saloon, cowboys sitting at a table playing poker ]

Spaniard: I fold!

Black Guy: I’m out.

Dapper Gentleman: Too rich for my blood!

Dealer: Okay, Billy, it’s down to you and me. Whattaya got?

Poker Billy: Take a look at these. [ lays his cards on the table ]

Spaniard: Carumba! Full house! Aces over jacks!

Dealer: [ lays his cards on the table ] Pair of sevens.

Poker Billy: [ outraged ] Pair of sevens?! Nobody’s that lucky! [ stands and overturns the table ] You cheatin’ bastard! [ pulls out his guns and points them at ?? ]

Dealer: Uh.. no one’s cheatin’, Billy. Full house beats a pair of sevens. You won the hand!

Poker Billy: Really?

Dealer: Yes.

Poker Billy: That would make me the winner?

Everyone: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Poker Billy: [ lowers his guns ] Oh, good.

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]“Poker Billy was a gamblerPoker was his game.He never figured out the rulesBut he loved it just the same.Now, sometimes Bill got luckyAs morons often do.But luck don’t make a differenceWhen you havn’t got a clue.”

[ pan back to the card game, table now back on its legs ]

Dealer: [ dealing cards ] Okay, how many?

Black GuyI’ll take two.

Dapper Gentleman: Uh.. one for me, please.

Spaniard: Three, por favor.

Dealer: [ to Poker Billy ] How many cards you want?

Poker Billy: Uh.. I’ll take, uh.. eight!

[ Spaniard throws his cards in the air ]

Poker Billy: Nine.. no, eight!

Dealer: Well, I-I can’t do that, Billy. not in Five Card Draw. I could give you three, how’s that?

Poker Billy: Oh.. I get it. You two are in this together. You cheatin’ bastards! [ stands and overturns the table ]

Dapper Gentleman: What an ignoramus!

[ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Guitarist: [ singing ]“Now, ignoramus is a wordThat’s often overused.But in the case of Poker BillyI think you’d be excused.”

Bartender: “Special classes –“

Guitarist: “– Didn’t help him!”

Bartender: “Special teachers –“

Guitarist: “– Wouldn’t stay.”

Bartender: “Special doctors –“

Guitarist:“– Shook their headsand Billy’s parents ran away.”

[ pan back to the card game, table back on its legs again ]

Dealer: [ paying Billy off ] Fifty, sixty, seventy. All there. Okay. This time, let’s try to play a very simple game. It’s called One.. Card.. Stud. Now, here’s how it works – I’m gonna deal one card to each player, face up. Whoever’s card is the high-est nu-mer-i-cal-ly.. wins the chip. [ holds a chip up ] One of these things. Okay, everyone? [ everyone murmurs their agreement ] Billy?

Poker Billy: Uh, uh.. I’ll pick it up as we go along.

Dealer: Great. [ shuffles the cards ]

Poker Billy: What the hell are you doin’? You’re mixin’ up all the cards!

Dealer: Yes, it’s called shuffling. I do it before every game.

Poker Billy: Yeah? Well, this time, you got caught!

Spaniard: Here we go!

Poker Billy: You cheatin’ bastard! [ stands and overturns the table ] [ pan stage right to Guitarist strumming in front of the bar ]

Bartender: [ singing ]“I’d like to emphasize a pointwe’re making it this song.Even though it’s very clearWe’ve gone on way too long.Say he’s stupid.”

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn View all posts by Don Roy King