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Thursday, November 8, 2012

This is yet another post wherein odd questions are answered. I get between a grin and a guffaw when periodically I check the “searchkeywords” and uncover a treasure trove of phrases that lead souls to the Last Frontier Garden blog. Poor saps.

Anyway, in the spirit of serving my fellow gardeners (and may I humbly add, all mankind), I shall answer with all the wisdom and clarity of the oracle at Delphi. Tally ho!

*How did nannies blow away in Mary Poppins?

The same way my garbage can blew away last month: the wind. Who knew England was so very gusty? Therefore, avoid toupees and wrap dresses when visiting, and never under any circumstances carry an open umbrella. Just a tip.

*Plants moose eat.

They might not eat all of your plastic or fabric plants, but the rest of the bona fide ones are vulnerable. In other words, anything but spruce trees or ornamental grasses, kid.

*garden dwarf names

Do you by chance mean gnomes? (Or are you referring to persons of shorter stature that grow petunias? I’ve heard they prefer to be called “little people.”) For gnomes, you can’t go wrong with “Barry” or “Roger.” For a female, “Smurfette.”

*fish bonker

If you plan to fish for something bigger than a minnow, it always helps. Wood is best. If you don’t know what a fish bonker is, welcome to Alaska.

*saxophone water fountains

Uh, Bill, is that you? I mean Governor Clinton. Generally speaking, sir, musical instruments do not belong in the pond. I know my mom would faint if I put my viola in there. Though on second thought, I am about ready to commit the family harmonica and hand bell set to that fate. Ring-a-ding-a-ding for preserving sanity!

*snow white

I said it before and I’ll say it again, for lots of hits on your blog, write a post (or better yet, just a title) about Snow White. That witless, trusting princess has fascinated a lot of people, as evidenced by the continuous stream of referrals to the one post I sort of wrote about her. In truth, it was about dwarf evergreens, but tenuous connections are my specialty.

And finally, the all-time top entry:

*bunny boots

I’ve really got to do some more garden-related writing.

Now, now don’t complain. I spared you “dwarf umbrella,” “white vs. black bunny boots,” and “Cinderella's pumpkin carriage.” You’re welcome. Tune in next time as I bring you __________. That means I haven’t decided yet: The Grump’s Guide to Christmas Music or Cross Country Skiing Disasters.

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