An electronic diary sharing my spiritual path through observations/experiences, photos, videos, articles and more. It started with intensity at the end of January 2011 when I decided to go to South Africa and see the truth of animals living in the wild. Unsatisfied with the answers, I went to India looking for the truth of humans in an ancient civilization. Packing up my life as a dressage trainer in Southern California, I moved to Jaipur, India to follow a spiritual inquiry.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Can one really completely surrender even in the face of a murderer, rapist, etc.? According to the book on Saints and Gurudev, it is possible. Wow, the bar got moved significantly. How realistic is it for a non-Saint/normal person to try this? Nice homework assignment to take home. The new depth of connecting to Source gives me a glimmer of how this could even be possible, but it would be a massive stretch given that I cannot even walk down the street contemplating the Divine, get harassed, and not react. Part of what prompted this was examining the ashram vs. street rules and wondering at what point they would merge given that everything else appears too. Yes, it all ends up in the same bucket.

Primitive mind to fully awakened and the steps of surrender to get there. The Earth Plan provides the tests for True Surrender. "When one walks in that much Love, he or she doesn't activate or trigger the responses that provide the tests." Hand in the air. Sign me up please.

Friday, May 23, 2014

No topics off limits. Discussing the Pope, Dalai Llama, Ramakrishna, unrest in the world, bigger picture, smaller picture, how to walk, and integrate all of it. Priority of inner state and vibration. Continuing to know the Divine more deeply. Kindness. He handed me a book to read about the lives of Saints. Answering more of the mystery and giving examples of Their hard work and devotion to the One as witnessed by observing Gurudev daily.

Two points I will miss from India without hesitation:

1. Gurudev

2. Pranam on the cool, stone floors of the ashram. There is something profoundly beautiful about touching one's forehead to the ground at the feet of a Master (live or in paintings.) The physical act of surrender and gratitude from a place of such deep love. A moment to acknowledge the immensity, the mystery, and the gratitude of being part of it all.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Sitting on my little green stool, sipping a cup of coffee, reflecting, and hearing the sounds of the day beginning. Moving the container soon to another location, but the inner knowing is the only true home now. Where and what will the container be doing next? I have always been a wanderer and an adventurer, but will this stop now? I won't be seeking as much as enjoying the diversity of life next? Learning about photography has been an unexpected bonus and people have been very kind in their praise and encouragement to continue. I like writing and have ideas for interviews and book material. There are a lot of remarkable stories out there. How lovely to have a month reentry to drive, visit, hang out, and to see what unfolds. A twenty hour layover in London is giving me an opportunity to see a horse friend who I haven't seen in over 20 years. What fun! Rambling... the mind always looking for a job.

Part of my animal family eating mango scraps and demonstrating converging.

Converging inwardly with Source. All rivers flowing to the ocean...

To look at Gurudev from this new tender spot is almost impossible at times. I need to look away for a distraction from such intense beauty or risk uncontrollable tears. The effortlessness, the quiet mind, and the soothing vibration are creating a new sense of peace. No other place is calling. Just being. What a treat to have hours of inner silence within a quiet ashram. The recovery time from falling down is growing shorter. The longing is subdued. Has Her appetite been satisfied for now?

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

A big objective has been to be able to walk with eyes and spiritual heart open through the darker aspects of our Earth plan and feel compassion and equanimity. The black box experience was showing me this new potential. The aftermath of that much inner darkness shifting to a place of complete peace was stunning. When I went to sit, I was in the throws of despair, no place to turn but the new inner awareness, and surrender. I have been living with physical intensity for a period of time now, so while sitting with a new focus on the inner guide, the past moments of the dog with the broken jaw, the chained elephant, and more did go through the mind map and I could see this was part of that thread--the waking up thread. Touching what was deepest to my heart in order to shift the depths of weaving. It was powerful to arise out of that depth of despair with such clarity and calm. I had made a point to work with only my self and no questions for Gurudev, so I could fall down and stand up in the womb of the ashram.

In the evening, we discussed how I have approached the path with blinkers on like a race horse who is heading for the post. "No, it wasn't inappropriate, but very few will follow this design. The ashram is for the social enjoyment as well as the spiritual otherwise, there would only be a handful of people showing up everyday." I have come to this understanding and there is beauty in this as well. I just needed to create a cave within the ashram to know my inner self. As we chatted about what I have learned and how it has changed my life, I found the description of marvelous and beyond words. He volunteered the check mark for the "beyond words" and applied it with his glowing smile.

In the wake of it all, the deep tears were stirring. Knowing compassion and understanding for myself at this depth is the only way I can truly have it for others. The experience of the Self container is the foundation for all outer perception. It is the screen I operate through, because it is "Who I am." Experiencing the Divine as the weaver has left me speechless for what is possible. A small miracle to witness inwardly? Being awake enough on the operating table to witness the operation and know it wasn't a dream? Grace and pranam. I had been wondering how a direct experience of the One would manifest, so my questioning mind would quit questioning and start accepting the knowing. Looking back, I see many of these remarkable moments, but the timing of the unveiling is part of the mystery of destiny.

Experiencing the depth of wisdom, love, and support from the group on the other side of the globe has been incredible. To have a little more insight into their journeys and depth of knowing has been crucial. Their ability to examine and articulate from afar is a cool part of the modern age of internet.

"Everyday is a teaching and an opportunity to learn." For me that is part of the fun--good or bad. Now to see what this new day brings forth... It feels once again, a new beginnig for understanding and living from the Truth.

A test working with what I have as tools now? Open the black box labeled, "Why I went to India." Sit with the new inner awareness and see what happens. The rolodex of past events went whirring by. Wow, powerful stuff. Everything was digested. All that remained was inner peace and clarity. Almost shocking in the simplicity and effectiveness. I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to open that box again, but someone driving the bus did.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Walked up a staircase that I have been walking by for months and a wonderful new angle opened up.

Started the walk without a specific thought or question to digest--nice. Walking in inner silence. Then the v(V)oice comes and starts the download program. Eternal Love, Truth, and Wisdom are the fabric of our True Nature. The Fabric of the One. Ok, so this has been happening my entire life, but now the station appears to be on spiritual truths instead of general life guidance. As I am moving towards the inner guidance as the predominant source, I assume these are the topics I am suppose to pay attention to? I have felt like an alien my entire life and this download practice had contributed to that belief. The information was confirmed in some reading and then by Gurudev. He almost always adds a meaningful aspect to the basic fact check which is always so lovely. Nature is this aspect and our state behind the mind. He is always encouraging me to be in nature to stay connected to the vibration of the Divine. It has been a very important touchstone for me on a daily basis even with some of the challenges. I have one walk that is over an hour with mostly the sound of birds and nature. Visiting Gurudev in nature would be my ideal!

A plan of action is formulating and a system for operating in the West is developing. Part of the spiral staircase is coming back with the v(V)oice, but now with more trust and understanding in it. Touching the thought of Eternal Love, Truth, and Wisdom set off an internal firestorm. Instructions? Feeding time for the Divine again? Plunged into the depths of knowing that Her appetite will not be satisfied until I am merged in the Oneness. Nice try. I thought I might be going home, keeping my horse, riding, and getting a job stacking boxes on shelves. Maybe I will, but the longing is back in force. Ok, surrender--just a cork bobbing in the ocean and moving with the Divine Tide.

The first six weeks in the US are packed with friends, family, tasks, hiking in Yellowstone Park, travel in the Northwest (nature and more nature), and seeing what is next. It feels like I will be a visitor in a different container, but with familiar faces and places. The inner world is very different now, so the alien is visiting the outer home base. It is clear that similar to the knowledge and devotional paths meeting at the same point, the underlying design of the material and spiritual paths all lead to this similar point where there is no scaffolding--only Truth.

So now on my walks instead of being approached for money or sex, people are asking for fitness tips. Interesting twist, but definitely moving in a positive direction. Willing to make suggestions.

I see how the inner choice is similar to the outer path: converge, diverge, or stay parallel with the Self/Truth. Diverging is the lint builder. Surrender is the parallel path. Converging is going deeper into Source. How not to get separated from inner peace while taking action is my inner obstacle course.

Watched people put "stuff" on Gurudev's feet and perform some ceremonial actions. I marvel at how different our approaches are to get to the same destination.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Every time I do my Amber Fort loop this dog is hanging out on the steps. Nice surrender plan. Taking note.

Veils for complete surrender too? I was already sensing how the pressure of the material world was starting to create distortions in my decisions that I am starting to examine with my eminent return to the US. Lint on the screen for taking action. Nice lesson plan. How to surrender with a capitol "S" and still pay the bills? I have still been mulling over the lightening bolt teaching from Gurudev, but the material world has requirements. Yes, it is all part of the One, but the influences are different at least from my distorted mind. Nice try ego. A turn in events is showing me how to move this veil aside!!

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Just how unveiled can one be and function in the outer world? Naked man sighting on the street while walking. I haven't see this for awhile and it got me thinking about socially acceptable layers of renunciation.

Veils that I didn't even know were veils are continuing to become recognizable. One sentence by Gurudev can be like a lightening bolt through one's state of being to recognize yet another point of separation. The elevator and the escalator are gone now and the vehicle appears to just be opening to the expansiveness, formless, and silence. The exquisite nature/texture of these states continue to amaze me. Gurudev mentioned materialistic oriented people often believe the spiritual path is "dry." I can understand if one gets stuck in the austerities, but this stuff is beyond comparison to anything man made.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

I was wondering how to go deeper, so the new orientation immediately made an opening--yet another veil that I never would have considered moving was shifted by the Master. The continued marvel at the Master's wisdom for driving the bus. Pranam. Falling down and standing up is my offering; I have had a lot of practice with this combination. Feeling the depth of Gurudev's presence, support, and love while I continue to find my way. As I try to understand the principles of the path and the application to the outer and inner world, he patiently examines and encourages my "non-religious/modern" word choice. How kind to learn about flying "solo" while in the presence of the Master instead of just when the cut to go home is made.

Reflections. Three years ago I could not find an opening to live and now I have everything to live for in alignment to eternity.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

I was asking the question, "What next?" after finding the path, examining it, and now signing up to be committed to it. Does anything change with the idea of trying to walk on the path as a lifestyle? How to go deeper and continue to remove the veils? I know my ongoing homework: ego management, meditation, contemplation, reading, and learning from life/Gurudev. Checking if I was missing anything. "No more outer guidance, the time is to develop and focus on your inner guru/voice." Even having gone through a lot of life experiences and energetic shifts, my brain could not quite comprehend those words. The invitation is always open to visit while he is in a body. How is this possible? I am just getting to the foot of the mountain that I need to start climbing. Life is so remarkable in its teaching capacity and knowing exactly where to gauge the heart for a bigger opening. Gutted, catatonic, stupefied are all useful adjectives at this point. The self cave just got remodeled.

Two weeks until I leave India, so two weeks to adjust and better understand the next step. (I don't need to prostrate myself in front of a moving train or bus--just ask, "What next?" Watching the baby birds appears to have been useful? I haven't even yelled or thrown rocks at anyone on my outer walks for a few days, so the shift in focus hasn't come from bad behavior...)

Monday, May 12, 2014

Materialism to spirituality--just a different perspective or approach to living. From talking with my birth parents, I feel like I found the human fabric that I fit with. It will be interesting to meet them in person this year and get a living texture to go with the thoughts. One day, I hope to know the Divine Fabric that I fit with. Truth, liberation, freedom, self realization, and all the words in the reading/conversations with Gurudev will become real instead of a mental construct. Onward and inward to the depths of meditation in the meantime. The longing makes sense as a drive to unity. Until one starts to look inward, none of this would make sense, (check mark.) Now I have gratitude for the longing instead of dread.

Only the personal experience of the One's Vibration is the Truth of knowing one's Self. Continue past virtue, vice, knowledge, devotion, mind, books, statues etc. and every human construction--nice for markers, (check mark.) How many lifetimes just to get to this point of understanding? Excited and gleeful--could make a few laps around the courtyard tree. Appreciated download while hiking down a new goat trail and sitting in the ashram.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

What is truly under the scaffolding? As I sit in the "tree-like state of stillness." The inner screen is often experiencing fascinating energetic shifts, colors, sensations, and more while the outer world is ashram sounds and people shuffling by for pranam to Gurudev or the various Beings. Three screens to chose from while awake. Stuff only science fiction movies are made of? The nerve endings of my entire body are often activated when sitting for long periods of time--like baking in the oven? A new sensation and I am not complaining, just taking it all in as such a unique experience.

Questioning my longing for the One? Is it ego based because it is the "ultimate" end point or because I should or because my life appears to be headed in that direction or... I have such resistance to the spiritual/religious path, because of all the bad examples in the world. Once again, dishonesty is part of the mix, since many don't walk the talk. Sitting at Gurudev's feet has given me hope for the purity of spirituality in a living two-legged and a beacon to attune to. He graciously explained about gurus and their role in the path to God the other day which helped my resistance. There is never even a twinge of ego when he talks about these things which is comforting. People of all walks of life and statures come to see him and he is always the same kind, gentle, thoughtful being.

My self inquiry came up with the desire to know the Absolute Truth at the deepest level of submersion is why I am pursuing the One. In the meantime, learning all of this with Gurudev as the bus driver is beyond my adjective list.

The elephants are one of my new favorite touchstones to the animal world. Magnificent animals.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Renunciation and moving into self cave mode is opening the door to realizing both devotion and knowledge are wonderful but limited, (check mark.) Instead of the human insanity plan, it becomes the insane longing for unity with the One plan, (check mark.) Living with longing, so meditation and inward self cave living are touchstones and practices for relieving the longing, (check mark.) *The vibrations from nature and animals are another touchstone, since all is part of God's expression (check mark.) Of course, having a Gurudev type Being in the picture is another massive touchstone--a two-legged without the scratchiness who lives in the complete submersion of the One and can answer questions, (check mark.)

Despair to madness, and now moving onto longing. Thought I would look it up. I think it is an improved state? As the mind wants to grab onto something for a distraction to self medicate, the attempt is futile at the root, but part of it is a conditioned reflex. Someone would probably light up a cigarette, pour a glass of alcohol, or fire up the tv at about this point. All I can do is go inward for absorption into what is unfolding daily.

The path to insane longing for unity is narrow and why few have opted for it in a single-pointed manner, (check mark.) Always an option to fall off the path no matter how focused, committed, or longing, (check mark.) The current states in meditation are incredible and can permeate the self cave while in a wake state. The timing for one's full conversion of submersion is an unknown and subject to one's design, (check mark.) The depth of meditation, ease for entry etc. are all part of one's design, (check mark.)

*(Very kind of Gurudev to add the part about nature and animals, since the human obstacle course is still so challenging for me. I am developing a new range and understanding, but that is still different than the ease of the other. I have never walked in nature or by an animal and felt I was being vomited on or violated in some aspect.)

Watching the preciousness of that first step into the outer world. Provides a beautiful point of reflection for all of the stages of environmental newness, separation from brothers/sisters, beginning of self survival, innocence of the risks, parents helping with the transition, learning to fly, and more. The beginning of the scaffolding without the ego complexity.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Waves in the ocean can be pleasant, but the insanity plan lurks there. I giggle at the availability of insanity. Even if one is inwardly peaceful, someone on the outside is bound to be disturbed. Even is someone is making an effort to act from right action and truth, someone on the outside is bound to be disturbed. Living from within--the self cave--it is portable and always available. The only requirement is knowing the One, (or working on it.) No shop hours, location is irrelevant, most cannot see that one has retreated inwardly (when eyes are open), and disturbance free. Men are known to have man caves, but I am going for the self cave--diving into the ocean. Instead of getting wound up, chasing my tail, creating stories, and the known list of the ego reactions, I am tiptoeing or running as needed for the Self Cave.