Mines a double please lemon as you're in the chair. I'll have one of your doorstops delicious mince pies too and a sit on one of those comfy old saggy chairs by the fire. Oops. Sorry Admiral I didn't realise it was you

Sooooooo, this is where you are all hiding..I went to the Edinburgh meet up yesterday, hoping to catch up with Santa. He has scarpered.☹️I think the word octuplets scared him off! Oh didnt I tell you, I had a scan today. We will need even more babysitters.Should we start thinking of names?

Was the license revoked on the old place lemon? Oh and I need my ferrits back too. I need 'em for a nativity play that the grandkids are in. They couldn't get a donkey so we're putting long ears on Frederico and he'll make a passable ass, at a distance. Box 'em up lemon please!

Oh all are welcome, it's an open door policy for all waifs and strays.😁After all if I'm allowed in, they will let anyone in.Pull up a pew and grab a glass of poteen and some ferret pork scratchings.The only problem is that it may be quite crowded once the octuplets arrive.😁

I have entered with my clipboard lemon. I want to check out the bar staff and the menu before I commit too donning my finery and propping up the bar.

Oiled shirtless barman? FRESH food? Good company? No undesirables loitering outside. or collapsed on the floor? State of the patrons? Entertainment? Fresh straw put down for the ferrets and the incontinent? Men in uniform? Decent beverages, not watered down?

Yep. All the boxes ticked, so in my finest red leather hot-pants, fishnets, thigh high white plastic boots, fake fur bolero, chestnut wig, false eyelashes and tiara I shall grab that saggy old chair in the corner and give this place a bit of class.

Are we all on baby-sitting duty when the octuplets arrive???? If we keep it in-house, can we have a bevvy or two whilst child-minding, and do health visitors now approve of a drop of brandy in baby's bottles of milk?

I'm a bit late but I've been sorting a problem out down at the Sewage Works! Some poor beggar fell in! 😱We hooked him out and sent him down here to recover. Anyone seen him?We've got plenty in tonight!Pint of Poteen and a bag of scratching Trev.

Day6 how many times have I to repeat myself- each babysitter must be sober and I will have the polis at the door breath testing. A lot depends on how the babies behave whether I agree they have a slug of whisky added to their bottle.

To date, I am the only person sober enough to babysit and I am not doing it full time. Marydoll do not forget you have responsibilities, you do not get off Scot free. Santa had better find another job because children are not cheap.

You won't be able to find a sober patron of the Argy Charley.We're all pretty much steeped in Poteen.Can you enrol Santa's Little Helpers instead.Early finish today, so I'll have a nice pint of Black Tar Bitter and a mincepie please Trev!

Scot free Charley ( of Marydoll) very apt! Sorry Buffy all the mince pies have gone (Day6 is to blame) she popped in for elevenses (11 mince pies.)Never mind, I shall be baking some more later, meantime help yourself to the peanuts on the bar ( if you like living dangerously.)Hey Thor! A half of Jack Daniels please with a marachino cherry thrown in.🥃

Right, own up which one of you was it? In the newspaper today they printed the story of someone who had been banned from his local pub for taking his ferrets in with him. Who has been letting out ferrets go off with strange men? 😧Eight marydoll, eight! I knew you were fat putting on weight but eight 😱. Where will we put them? What will we call them? And which one of them is bringing an octopus 🐙? 😮

It wasn't a strange man Doodle.Maureeese/Maureeen was trying to flog our Ferrets, as Christmas Fairys down his local pub, apparently they got chucked out for smelling bad. 🤔Some folks are just too fussy, what do they want? They sing, they dance, make a fashionable Winter hat and give a lovely back scratch! Are the next batch of mince pies ready yet Lemon?

The ferrets were being kitted out in little knitted garments and then flogged to people who thought they were buying a 'handbag dog' trendy pet. Apparently most of them bit their new owners and made their way back to the Argy. Dammit. Another money making scheme gone wrong.

Trev says *Marydoll"was in earlier and she looked fit to burst. He intimated that a DNA test would prove who'd fathered her octuplets and apparently with that all the blokes in the bar knocked back their drinks and ran out. That's not very good for business. Trev said he spent this evening with an octopus. As you do.

He's taught it a party trick. It uses it's tentacles to pinch 8 bums at once. That should be a crowd pleaser. Most of the old slappers ladies in the Argy are desperate for ANY attention.

I'll just finish my milk stout with port and lemon chaser, feed the ferrets and sweep the floor before I go home. The octopus has just woken up and it has it's beady eyes on me so I'd better be quick.

What a good idea Marydoll. So the patrons can carry on knocking them back whilst the octopus sees to the sprogs. I like it. Can the octuplets live in the cellar? Bawling babies in the bar might put off the regulars.

Does the octopus have a name? Has it had any experience of childcare? Can Trev train it to hold bottles and not pinch bottoms?

I believe it lives in a beer barrel full of water down in the cellar. Trev puts on his mermaid costume and blonde wig to keep it company. Well that's what he says he's doing. Maureeese/Maureen is fuming. He's told Trev he can only be the mermaid on a Sunday, Tuesday and Saturday, and the rest of the time Maureeese will be Aqua Marina.

Who care what the octopus is called. What are we going to call 8 babies and how will we remember which is which? 😱There's no point in planning to keep them in the cellar because when Daddy Santa comes to visit he'll need somewhere for his sleigh and reindeer. Can't Trev and Maureese knock up an extension between them. There's just enough room if we knock through the back wall? We could have a lovely nursery behind the bar and if we train him/her properly, octopussy 🐙 could pull pints and rock the babies at the same time. (How do you tell what sex an octopus is? 🤔)

The mince pies are hot and fresh from the oven Buffy and I put a little extra ingredient in to, how shall I say, get us all going ( not to the loo btw although that could happen too!)Stick to one each, just to be on the safe side.