Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Stuff on my mind

I had not written in awhile. After my issue in September I just decided to stay away from the blog. But I am frustrated that I let people intimidate me into taking down my post. What I had written was truth and it needed to be out there. I am sick of sugarcoating and tiptoeing around. Its ridiculous.

I am still battling depression with a vengeance. I have been sleeping way too late and eating too much. I am sure I have gained a bit of weight. My clothes still fit but I can tell there is a physical change in me that I do not like. The eating is getting out of control. I am always hungry and I really have no idea why. I just want to eat all day. I really have no reason to be depressed as circumstances across the board are in our favor for the first time in ages. But there is still this cloud that seems to follow me no matter what.

Ricky and I are in a better place financially. We are nowhere near rich but we are getting out of debt. We have been on time with bills. Some are even paid ahead. Ricky has been working with Ameritex Guard services. He is a security guard. He makes less than I do but brings home more due to the fact I carry the health insurance. We are still needing to be wise with our money but we don't have that fear of doing without as we have dealt with in the past.

I am worried about Alicia. She had separated from her husband but then decided to go back to him. I do not advocate divorce but the circumstances in the marriage were severe enough that I had encouraged stepping away from the relationship. When there is a time when a life is in danger I do not feel it appropriate to stick around. Her husband is not an evil person but he is very misguided and needs to get counseling for his anger. She is also in a tough place financially. I have encouraged her to get help but she is hesitant. I can understand. Asking for help can be equivalent to admitting defeat in the minds of some. But I hope she seeks it soon so she can move on.

Ricky had been in the hospital in September. He was diagnosed with stroke symptoms so he was observed at Arlington Memorial Hospital for a few days. It was no fun seeing him in that position. However he was in great hands there. We had a few hiccups with some of the staff but for the most part he was taken care of just fine. I ended up staying there with him the whole time. For a couple of nights Ricky was kept up due to the neighbor in the next room who was out of her mind hollering for various people. That was no picnic. But luckily the hospital ruled out a stroke. Ricky was out of work for a month but he is doing great now. He has been taking his medicine and eating right for the most part. He is human though and will slip a hamburger or fried tenders in. But I have been making sure that we get the proper nutrients in our diets.

One thing I have noticed during this whole ordeal with Ricky being sick is that he seems to recover much better when he is not around negative influences. When he is constantly told he is a sickly individual and there is not much hope he does not want to get better. We realized this when Ricky put distance between him and his mom for awhile. She was understandably upset that he was sick. But then she would take it too far by freaking out and being discouraging. She would pity him and baby him. All that did was hinder his recovery. So when he stepped back from her for awhile he started feeling better. He had his challenges of course but he was thriving! He was able to go back to work after a month and his symptoms that have hindered him have been non existent. Of course he still communicates with his mom but its not an every day occurrence. He can build a healthy relationship with her and still be an adult and live his life.

I have applied for a job in Kansas City. I felt that Ricky and I moving there would be a nice fresh start for us. After seeing Ricky's family freak out while he was in the hospital prompted me to put in an application. I have had enough of interference and people trying to run our lives. Not only that we would be closer to his dad. Ricky needs to build a relationship with Rick and has not been able to do so because he has been here in Texas coddling the family. We are done with that so we want to start a new life elsewhere. Kansas City is a great place. I feel like its a compromise because Ricky loves the country and I grew up in the suburbs. The KC metro area has the feeling of both. Right outside of the area is lots of land and farms. Then you have your restaurants and entertainment in KC. So I hope to get the position. I am excited about a possible change of scenery.

My spiritual life has been lukewarm at best. I have been attending church. But I am uncomfortable getting involved with a Sunday School class or group. All though I would really like to join the choir. I am unable to due to my current schedule. I feel like I am stagnant with my walk with God. At times I am disconnected and lost. I pray for guidance and hope because this is not a fun place to be.