Friday, November 21, 2008

By the time we hit the rental car counter, it felt like we’d been traveling for 9 hours, 22 minutes and 10 seconds…primarily because we HAD.

A young guy who looked just like the guy who starred in Spiderman (what was his name?) …only with deep blue eyes…(does the Spiderman guy have blue eyes too? I cannot recall) took us to the rental parking garage. It was filled with many, many cars to choose from…all recently washed and waiting for their new (temporary) owners. We told Spiderman-guy that we wanted something very, very cool…as in hip, happening and befitting our fabulousness on a grand scale. He pointed to a Ford Taurus. We said we’d rather die. He then pointed out that for what we’d reserved, we had to choose from three vehicles: the Taurus, a Camry or a Maxima. We sighed and said “whatever”.

Next came my removing Sophie from her temporary travel home, which existed at the bottom of my purse, with her touch screen protectively stuffed into the front of a travel-sized Puffs tissue pack…referred to as a “Puff Prophylactic” in one giddy moment of travel insanity, after which we giggled and snickered until people started staring.

Unfortunately, no-one had informed Sophie that we’d left the state of New York…and no amount of cajoling would convince her of our present location. Sophie was still in New York and even though she’d acknowledge the new address I kept inputting, she kept asking me if I wanted her to “simulate a driving route”. I started to suspect that Sophie was merely humoring us and I could swear I heard her say “Yeah, yeah….sure…okaaay...I’ll play along…you stupid, stupid human….”

First, Tonia explained that the nav wouldn't work properly if we were going too fast. Given the fact that the speed limit here was 70 and she was easily going 80-85, I became concerned that we’d never be picked up on anyone’s radar other than the South Florida Highway Patrol. When we hit the first of the rush hour traffic however and slowed to a pitiful 30 mph, Tonia had to admit that she was unsure of what Sophie’s problem was. I opted for the trusty-yet-reliable re-boot…and after a 30 second meltdown, Sophie and I came to an agreement: She’d recalculate and begin tracking us in the state of Florida in exchange for my promising to never, ever again use my own spit to prepare her suction cup for mounting. That seemed fair.

After the briefest of stops to The ABC Spirit & Wine Shop for reinforcements (it took every ounce of willpower to not take several large swigs of specially-preordered Cloudy directly from the bottle), and a two hour drive through Alligator Alley, we arrived at our Secret Agent Foyce recommended hotel in Naples.

We’d booked this suite sight-unseen…as I completely, utterly and wholly trust Secret Agent Foyce’s judgement. If she says it's fabulous, then that’s good enough for me. It helps to know people in high places, as she got us an alarmingly-excellent corporate rate for a two-bedroom suite with over 1100 square feet. Before we left, she’d shared a story with me about some friends of hers that had also taken advantage of her above-average taste. These friends also received the two-bedroom suite, but due to the unusual placement of one very large armoire, they were not aware of the master suite portion initially. Evidently, they completely unpacked and settled into the second bedroom (all the while wondering what the fuss was about….the room wasn’t that big) before becoming aware of the other half of the suite.

Don’t worry…my point is coming.

“Daniel” our desk clerk and self-proclaimed personal guide to all things Naples, put us in a single room, with one gigantic king size bed. Remembering Foyce’s story (and being more than a little daffy after such a hectic day), I’m opening up the door to first the bath, then the closet…vainly searching for the remainder of our grand room. You must realize that Tonia had no clue how large our accommodations were due to be, as it was to be a surprise of monumental proportions, so she’s ooh-ing and ahh-ing over the Tuscan décor and I’m saying “No, no, no! This is ALL WRONG” as I’m opening cabinet doors and glancing under the table.

Five minutes later, after I figured out how to access “line 1” on the room telephone, I was back downstairs with Daniel and had our correct walking papers to the other end of the resort for the REAL room.

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welcome!

I'm glad you stopped by. Now that you're here, I hope you'll breathe and reboot. Cocktails are optional, but highly recommended. Not that you need one to find me utterly charming...but it couldn't hurt.So pour yourself a glass of Cloudy, raise it high and send a toast to all of us. I'll try my best to make you smile. But if I fail, just pour yourself another...it's a win/win.