What do Beef ‘O’ Brady’s, Belk and TaxSlayer.com all have in common? No, it’s not the beginning of some horribly family reunion conversation, sparked by your 35-year old bearded brother-in-law trying to get that big promotion at WalMart. It’s the start of the equally fantastic and horrible time of the year known as bowl season. Fantastic because occasionally you get some truly awesome matchups that make you appreciate this time of the year, but for the majority of this three-week span, it turns into a sad reminder that neither team achieved its primary goal, so they both half-ass for 60 minutes and one team wins a garbage trophy that it doesn’t deserve. But this post isn’t about the oversaturated state of consumerism in America, it’s about keeping you from wasting time on duds. Which ones to watch, which to avoid. And now that no one’s read this, it’s onto the list!

Bowl Games: Ranked

35-33. Most bowl games with an interim HC

There’s nothing worse than a bowl game played with an interim head coach. The team typically does one of two things: plays inspired football to keep a largely useless figurehead installed as head of the program (see: Bill Stewart) or just completely lays down and dies (see: the majority of them) because the result is inconsequential. That means avoid:

Little Caesars Bowl (Dec. 26, 6 PM ET)

Pittsburgh vs Bowling Green

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl (Dec. 24, 8 PM ET)

Boise St vs Oregon St

GoDaddy Bowl (Jan. 5, 9 PM ET)

Arkansas St vs Ball St

32. R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl (Dec. 21, 9 PM ET)

Tulane vs Louisiana-Lafayette

Does this sound interesting to anyone outside of the Louisiana borders? Next.

31. Heart of Dallas Bowl (Jan. 1, Noon ET)

UNLV vs North Texas

Two teams that haven’t been in a bowl since last decade. Sweet.

30. Famous Idaho Potato Bowl (Dec. 21, 5:30 PM ET)

Buffalo vs San Diego St

Turner Gill leads his Buffalo into… wait… Turner Gill’s not there anymore? Well, hell, at least you have the Aztecs. They like to give the ball away (28 TOs). If you don’t like a competent offense, this is the game for you.

29. Military Bowl (Dec. 27, 2:30 PM ET)

Marshall vs Maryland

I hate the entire damn state of Maryland. Rock on, Thundering Herd.

28. Beef ‘O’ Brady’s Bowl (Dec. 23, 2 PM ET)

East Carolina vs Ohio

The Pirates come in averaging over 40 points per game. Both teams have decent quarterbacks in Shane Carden (ECU) and Tyler Tettleton (Ohio).

27. Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl (11:45 AM ET)

MTSU vs Navy

I’m all for the Blue Raiders, and if you live in Tennessee, you owe it to yourself to at least give them a chance. They play some pretty entertaining ball. Navy also averages 320 rushing yards a game, so if you enjoyed watching Auburn run right through Missouri all day, you should find a little enjoyment in this.

26. New Era Pinstripe Bowl (Dec. 28, Noon ET)

Rutgers vs Notre Dame

The game with no defense. Rutgers HC Kyle Flood fired his defensive coordinator and Notre Dame DC Bob Diaco was hired by UConn. Points for everyone!

25. Gildan New Mexico Bowl (Dec. 21, 2 PM ET)

Washington St vs Colorado St

Mike Leach is slowly improving the Cougs and Jim McElwain got the Rams into a bowl in his second year. I’d watch just for the potential Leach sideline explosion and halftime questions.

24. Texas Bowl (Dec. 27, 6 PM ET)

Syracuse vs Minnesota

The Golden Gophers finished 8-4 after being picked to finish last in the Big 10 Legends, plus there’s the Jerry Kill factor.

23. Advocare V100 Bowl (Dec. 31, 2:30 PM ET)

Arizona vs Boston College

This game features two of the most prolific running backs in college football. Had their teams performed better, they’d both be in Heisman contention. Instead, it’s just Andre Williams. Williams has had some utterly dominant performances, while also managing to have a couple sub-50 yard games. Wildcats’ Kadeem Carey is just as explosive, rushing for around 1,700 yards.

22. Autozone Liberty Bowl (Dec. 31, 4 PM ET)

Rice vs Mississippi St

In all honesty, I’m surprised Dan Mullen made a bowl. He was staring 5-7 straight in the face before an improbable Egg Bowl win over Ole Miss. Your reward? MEMPHIS! Woo! Let’s see if the Bulldogs can carry the SEC banner against mighty Conference USA…

21. Belk Bowl (Dec. 28, 3:20 PM ET)

Cincinnati vs North Carolina

A year after beating the Blue Devils in Duke’s first bowl appearance since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, the Bearcats return to Charlotte to face the Tar Heels. UNC looked absolutely putrid most of the year, but at least they get to stay in state.

20. Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl (Dec. 30, 3:15 PM ET)

Ole Miss vs Georgia Tech

If Sandra Bullock shows up at this game, I’m there. In all seriousness, Robert Nkemdiche is probably enough reason to watch this game. He’s been stellar when healthy. Middle Tennessee will appreciate seeing former Blackman RB I’Tavius Mathers in the backfield for the Rebs.

Heisman candidate Jordan Lynch came up one game short in making a BCS bowl. San Diego isn’t Pasadena, but it’s an admirable consolation. He’s enough to make me tune in for a few minutes.

18. BBVA Compass Bowl (Jan. 4, 1 PM ET)

Houston vs Vanderbilt

Vandy’s not nearly as good as its 8-4 record appears, but the Commodores would still be in a better bowl game if not for atrocious fan support. James Franklin the coach deserves better. James Franklin the person deserves worse.

17. Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl (Dec. 28, 10:15 PM ET)

Michigan vs Kansas St

Devin Gardner underachieved, Brady Hoke looks like he may be losing the team, but he put up a valiant effort against the Buckeyes. For some fans, that’s good enough. And that’s sad.

16. Fight Hunger Bowl (Dec. 27, 9:30 PM ET)

BYU vs Washington

This is the reason I wrote not to watch MOST games with an interim. The Huskies are just waiting for Chris Petersen to take over, but Bishop Sankey is electrifying.

15. Royal Purple Las Vegas Bowl (Dec. 21, 3:30 PM ET)

Fresno St vs Southern California

Some poor NFL team is going to fall in love with Derek Carr during the NFL Combine. Here’s your chance to watch him and be the guy that tells your friends, “I knew he wasn’t a franchise quarterback!” as he’ll probably get metaphorically abused by the Trojans. Which is better than being actually abused, which was a certainty if Ed Orgeron were still on staff.

14. Russell Athletic Bowl (Dec. 28, 6:45 PM ET)

Louisville vs Miami

This was supposed to be the year of the Cardinal: Rick Pitino led the team to a basketball title and Charlie Strong had the gridiron version in prime position with Heisman favorite Teddy Bridgewater returning for his senior season. Then reality struck in the form of a Golden Knight. Bye bye Heisman. Bye bye title shot. Miami is on its way up, and did beat rival Florida, but got throttled Florida State and did lose to Duke. Duke had a good season… but it’s still weird to say Miami lost to Duke.

13. National University Holiday Bowl (Dec. 30, 10:15 PM)

Arizona St vs Texas Tech

Todd Graham vs Kliff Kingsbury. Bro hard, bro. The Red Raiders fell back to earth after a hot start, and the Sun Devils are a daunting challenge. But only for those not in Kingsbury’s shades.

12. Hyundai Sun Bowl (Dec. 31, 2 PM ET)

UCLA vs Virginia Tech

Bruins QB Brett Hundley is going to be an NFL stud. Watch him in college while you still have the chance.

11. TaxSlayer.com Gator Bowl (Jan. 1, Noon ET)

Georgia vs Nebraska

No Aaron Murray, no chance for Georgia. Even though Bo Pelini stands a realistic chance of getting tossed for impaling a ref with a first down marker, there’s still no way the Bulldogs pull off a win. All the more reason to watch.

10. Outback Bowl (Jan. 1, 1 PM ET)

LSU vs Iowa

LSU will be without Zach Mettenberger, but they really shouldn’t have a problem with the Hawkeyes. Just get Odell Beckham the ball and let him win the game for you.

9. Chick-Fil-A Bowl (Dec. 31, 8 PM ET)

Texas A&M vs Duke

If there’s one game I could go to in person, it’d be this one, for two reasons. 1. Johnny Manziel in his last college game. He may just break Amanda Bynes out of rehab just to smoke weed with her midfield before giving the NCAA a double-finger salute and hightailing it to the NFL. 2. IT’S DUKE IN A REAL LIFE BOWL. How many times are we going to be able to see this before the Rapture?

8. Tostitos Fiesta Bowl (Jan. 1, 8:30 PM ET)

Baylor vs Central Florida

Bryce Petty vs Blake Bortles. Man that’s gonna be wild.

7. Capital One Bowl (Jan. 1, 1 PM ET)

South Carolina vs Wisconsin

Can Jadeveon Clowney top last year’s earth-shattering bowl game destruction? Who knows, but with it being his last amateur game, I’m down to find out.

6. Valero Alamo Bowl (Dec. 30, 6:45 PM ET)

Oregon vs Texas

The Ducks may have sputtered down the stretch, but the offense is still fun to watch, and Texas isn’t necessarily the fastest team on defense. Is Mack Brown still going to be there for the bowl? Will he be a lame duck? Will Texas choose to stun everyone and keep him? Ahhh, the drama.

5. Allstate Sugar Bowl (Jan. 2, 8:30 PM ET)

Alabama vs Oklahoma

I’m not entirely sure if Alabama will be motivated enough to blow out Oklahoma, but it could easily play a “C” game and beat Oklahoma. As long as Nick Saban is still there, of course.

4. Discover Orange Bowl (Jan. 3, 8:30 PM ET)

Ohio State vs Clemson

If there’s any better feeling in the world than watching Urban Meyer get his dreams crushed and stomped, I haven’t found it. He may come out trying to inflict his pain on Clemson, but we all win here, because he didn’t make it to a national championship.

3. AT&T Cotton Bowl (Jan. 3, 7:30 PM ET)

Missouri vs Oklahoma State

James Franklin and the Tigers hung with Auburn for three quarters, point for point. The defense is led by SEC Defensive Player of the Year, Michael Sam. Oklahoma State came up one game short of the BCS. A shootout’s comin’.

2. Rose Bowl (Jan. 1, 5 PM ET)

Michigan St vs Stanford

Two of my favorite teams: hard-nosed defense, headbusters, power running game. This would be my number one game most years. If I had a 17-year old son, I’d let him play for Mark Dantonio or David Shaw in a heartbeat.

1. Vizio BCS National Championship (Jan. 6, 8:30 PM ET)

Florida St vs Auburn

Jameis Winston will probably win the Heisman, and I’m hoping the Heisman Curse follows. I’m not an SEC homer, but who did Florida St beat to really impress anyone? A Clemson team that we learned wasn’t all that good? An overmatched Duke squad? Florida St is damn good, but they’re not unbeatable. Will Winston know how to play in the fourth quarter in a close game? The Seminole defense is better than Auburn’s, but we see how these “overpowering” defenses have performed against the Tigers: Tre Mason and Nick Marshall have left every so-called dominant defense with hurt feelings, pouting in the corner.

In Februrary of 2009, one of the SEC’s most intense recruiting battles pitted South Carolina against the then Lane Kiffin-lead Tennessee Volunteers; the prize being blue-chip wide receiver Alshon Jeffery. Jeffery, a Palmetto State product and one time Southern Cal pledge had opened up his recruitment during his senior year and after drawing interest from Alabama and Florida, ultimately made it a South Carolina-Tennessee affair. The closing hours of this battle became the stuff of message board legend.

As chronicled by Chris Low of ESPN, the night before signing day was filled with phone calls and texts from both staffs. Ultimately, Jeffery would inform Kiffin of his intention to sign with the Gamecocks. According to Jeffery and his high school coach Walter Wilson, Kiffin told Jeffery if he chose to play for South Carolina, he would end up pumping gas for the rest of his life like all the other in-state prospects who had donned garnet and black.

Though Kiffin and the Volunteers defeated Jeffery and the Gamecocks in Knoxville later that year, Jeffery would ultimately reign supreme. Since that night at Neyland, Jeffery would amass over 3000 yards receiving and 23 touchdowns during his career at South Carolina on his way to two All-SEC selections, one All-American honor and this tea-bagging of a poor defensive back from Clemson:

In that same timespan, Kiffin would lead his Volunteers to an improved 7-6 record before bolting for Southern California. This happened as a result:

And this:

After moderate success in the 2010 and 2011 seasons as head honcho at Southern Cal, Kiffin found himself on the hot seat after the 2012 season as he became to the first coach since 1964 to take a pre-season #1 team and end the season outside the top 25. A few months later, Jeffery was selected by the Chicago Bears in the second round of the NFL draft and signed a contract worth $4.5 million including a signing bonus in excess of $1.7 million. Only in Obama’s America can a gas station attendant make over a million dollars in a year. (mirite?)

Things for Kiffin, on the other hand, weren’t so swell. After a tumultuous start to the 2013 season Kiffin was pulled off the team bus after a loss to Arizona State and fired by USC. Outside the airport. At 3am. The scuttlebutt is he wasn’t even allowed retrieve his belongings from said bus.

Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse for Kiffin, our favorite gas pumper broke twitter with this catch:

And the next week on Monday Night Football made John Gruden pop a chub with this touchdown grab:

How about from another angle?

Jeffery is in the midst of a breakout season, leading the Bears with almost 1200 yards receiving and adding six receiving touchdowns along with being a mainstay in the highlight reels. Kiffin remains unemployed. I won’t pile on him too much, as the jokes practically write themselves, but South Carolina fans and Kiffin-haters alike can’t help but relish in a little poetic justice.

Christmas is almost upon us, and you know what they say about opinions…everyone has one. I’ve only seen A Christmas Storyonce and really didn’t think it was all that great. At no point does it deserve a 24 hour marathon on TBS, or any channel for that matter. While I agree that most of the movies Dooley’s Cane listed are Christmas classics…here are a few more that need mentioning.

Full disclosure: If Jingle All the Way hadn’t already be listed…it would be on this list as well.

5) Rocky IV

The Italian Stallion fights for more than pride in the fourth installment of the Rocky series. Rocky’s good friend Apollo Creed is well past his prime, but accepts the challenge of facing Soviet superstar Ivan Drago. Creed is killed during the fight, and Rocky swears vengeance. He begins training in Siberia, using old school methods instead of steroids like the Soviet machine. The epic battle takes place in Moscow on Christmas Day. Rocky defeats Drago, ends the Cold War, gets revenge for Apollo….and ensures Santa is able to deliver gifts to boys and girls all across the globe. Okay…I may have made that last part up, but Rocky IV is a great Cold War era Christmas flick.

4) Elf

Will Ferrell, James Caan and Zooey Deschanel star in this goofy Christmas film about a human boy raised at the North Pole as an elf. Ferrell goes to New York to find his father, Caan, who couldn’t be more angry that his “son” is some goofy adult dressed as an elf. I particularly like the fact that Caan still acts as if he’s in The Godfather, as he’s generally angry about life in general. I’d also like to point out that this movie came out before Anchorman, and is almost as funny. Ferrell stopped being funny right after Anchorman, I’d argue Talladega Nights and Stepbrothers are really Ferrell’s only movies after Elf that are actually funny.

3) How the Grinch Stole Christmas

What a classic! This movie is iconic as A Christmas Carol. I mean just think about today…when you find a person that hates Christmas, they’re either a scrooge or a grinch. This is a feel good movie about a guy that hated Christmas, stole all the gifts in Who-ville, and finally realized that Christmas is much more than just gifts and dinner. This is a lesson that is still applicable today, and How the Grinch Stole Christmas needs to be viewed by every Black Friday shopper before they risk life and limb for $10 off an iPad at Best Buy.

2) Die Hard

Die Hard is easily the most underrated Christmas film of all time. It’s one of two movies that I have to watch on Christmas Day. Bruce Willis fights off terrorists at his wife’s company Christmas party. What more could you ask for? Yuletide Carols, a sleazy “yes-man”, Bruce Willis with a gun in his hand and Professor Snape acting as a terrorist who has the worst look on his face when he falls from Nakatomi Plaza. Did I mention Carl Winslow is in it too?! Die Hard should be in everyone’s top 10 movie list…and it clinches my number two spot for best Christmas movies.

1) Christmas Vacation

By far the greatest Christmas movie ever made. If you disagree you either haven’t seen it, or are a moron. I will watch this movie 5 to 10 times during the Christmas season, and can quote the entire movie…which brings me to my next point, this movie has to be the most quoted Christmas movie of all time. From Cousin Eddie’s shitter being full, to Clark Griswold being at the threshold of hell, this movie is full of great quotes. The Vacation series are all hilarious, and I’d argue that this is the best of the bunch. I’ll leave you with this great quote about the holidays, straight from Wally-World’s biggest fan…”I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol?”

Last night, the wife asked when we were going to watch A Christmas Story. Apparently snow makes it feel like Christmas. Whatever. Much to her shock and dismay, she married a man that has never seen A Christmas Story. That’s right. Apparently that timeless classic that everyone watches as a child somehow escaped me. I’m cool with that. I’m not really a, “YAY OMGZ CHRISTMASSSSSSSS!!” guy. That being said, I’m being forced to watch A Christmas Story. I’d much rather be watching one of…

DOOLEY’S CANE’S TOP FIVE CHRISTMAS MOVIES

Disclaimer: Some, or none, of these actually stand up to present-day viewings

5. Home Alone

I’ll admit, it’s been a long, long time since I’ve seen this. It’s probably been since childhood. It might move up if I watch it again this season, but for now, it’s sticking at 5. It’s hilarious. Beating the hell out of would-be thieves while rigging up the most outlandish, zany hijinks?! Awesome.

4. Santa Clause

I was a giant Home Improvement fan growing up, so seeing Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor become Santa Claus because he accidentally killed him was nothing short of incredible. Can you imagine if Santa was played by Tim Taylor, instead of Tim Allen? The sleigh would’ve had a hemi, an on-board bathroom made of titanium, and an automatic beer dispenser. Yeah, Santa Clause had a hot chocolate dispenser, but that’s the difference between Tim Taylor and Tim Allen.

3. Gremlins

Come on, what kid didn’t want a Magwai for Christmas after seeing Gremlins? I was the maniacal child that not only wanted Gizmo, but the gremlins, too. Stripe was a complete badass. The only bad part of this movie: the insufferable “Do You Hear What I Hear” on repeat. But Gremlins redeemed itself with Phoebe Cates. Ah…Phoebe…

2. Jingle All The Way

Arnold Schwarzenegger as an action figure. With a JET PACK. Clearly you guys are not as excited about this as I am. I’m not even ashamed to admit I still watch this. Seeing the Governator abuse Sinbad over a doll provides a joy that simply can’t be duplicated. Let’s be honest, though: this can hold up as a child or an adult though. What kid doesn’t want to find out his dad is his favorite superhero? And WHAT DAD DOESN’T WANT A FREAKIN’ JET PACK?!

1. Nightmare Before Christmas

Don’t you dare call this a Halloween movie. Don’t. Even. Try. I will watch it eighteen times every Christmas and there’s nothing you can do to stop me. Hell, it has “Christmas” in the title. Jack Skellington and Zero made my parents irate just about every week of my childhood. The soundtrack is impeccable, the stop-motion animation still captivates me, and the showdown with Oogie Boogie was truly terrifying as a six-year old.

College football’s regular season is over which means everyone’s favorite time of the year is upon us. That’s right, the coaching carousel.

Les Miles’ name should and probably will be thrown around for most of these openings, but he’ll likely get another contract extension and a raise from LSU. However, Les Miles needs to land in Austin.

Les Miles is hands down the most entertaining head football coach in the country. He talks, I listen. It’s not because I think he’s particularly smart, or that he has anything brilliant to say, it’s that you don’t know what is going to come out of his mouth.

This is the man who once admitted to eating grass and broke down the inter-workings of a traffic light. A man who sometimes makes drunk Joe Namath appear sober.

If the Longhorn network wants to compete with the SEC network next year, they desperately need “The Les Miles Show” an hour long talk show of absolute gold television. No football…Les discusses topics that are set aside for each show and interacts with the audience. Can you imagine the “who’s the real baby daddy episode?” How about, “I accidently married my cousin” week? Just give the man a MIC and free roam and let’s see what happens. “Les live at Hooters”

Pure. Gold.

Move over Jerry and Maury…Les is coming to town and I for one can’t wait.

Fired? Retained? Retired? Whatever Mack Brown’s status at Texas is, it certainly doesn’t look positive for the Longhorns HC. New athletic director Steve Patterson has been on the job in Austin nearly a month and, per multiple reports, still hasn’t spoken with the head football coach. At a football school. In Texas. Something about that just doesn’t seem positive. Rumors went flying early Tuesday afternoon that Brown was stepping down after 16 seasons at the helm. Then… he wasn’t. Apparently Brown was unaware that he was retiring. Of course, these rumors weren’t just started by any yahoo off the street; they were started by Chip Brown of Orangebloods.com, the same man that reported former AD DeLoss Dodds was stepping down a few days before he did. The writing’s on the wall for Brown, and if Texas is indeed searching for a new lifeline to revitalize the ‘Horns blood, here’s a few names Patterson should look to:

1. Nick Saban

Undoubtedly the top coach of the past decade, Texas is, quite frankly, the only school with enough money that could lure Saban from Alabama. Alabama can negotiate a $7 million per year deal with Saban, but Texas could dwarf that if it wanted to, because black means more than crimson. And by black, I mean oil. Texas could feasibly become the first university to give a football coach $10+ million a year. But will it? For the chance to be back on top of the college football landscape? It should.

2. Art Briles

Gus Malzahn will most certainly be bandied about as a possible replacement, and why wouldn’t he? The guy transformed Auburn in just one season, leading them from 0-8 in the conference, to another BCS Championship appearance. But Briles made Baylor relevant IN FOOTBALL. Not only relevant, but the best football team in the state. Briles is a Texas guy, through and through, so this hire makes the most sense here.

3. Kevin Sumlin

Sumlin is every bit as good a coach as Briles, but is he willing to leave the SEC after just two years? He may, if Johnny Manziel does the predictable and leaves for the NFL. His name will probably never be hotter than it is right now, so if he wants a big time job, he should make the jump. Then again, Texas A&M has become bigger than Texas, and that’s mostly due to he and JF. Maybe the pride of keeping his own creation rolling is enough to keep him in College Station.

4. James Franklin

People will argue that Franklin is a “better coach” than Briles and Sumlin because he “wins at Vanderbilt.” Yes, he has notches in the win column, but let’s not act like those Ws have come against the top-notch SEC talent that usually comes the names attached. Georgia, Florida, Tennessee… those teams weren’t just utterly decimated, they were shells of their former selves, so it’s not really fair to give him credit for being an extraordinary coach when he hasn’t quite proved that. And there’s still the whole rape case going on that could easily prevent him from getting the job.

5. Mark Dantonio

Michigan State’s head coach doesn’t get nearly the recognition he deserves: he went undefeated in the Big 10, toppled Ohio State in the Big 10 Championship, led Sparty to a Rose Bowl, and always seems to have a dominant defense with coordinator Pat Narduzzi. If I’m Texas and I go this route, I tell Dantonio to bring Narduzzi, no matter the price. Narduzzi’s sure to get some head coaching offers this offseason, but this has to be a package deal. It’s a little off-the-radar, but if Texas strikes out in the first three options and steers clear of a coach with legal entanglements, there’d be reason to celebrate hiring Dantonio.

We knew coming into the SEC Championship game that both Auburn and Missouri had the potential to turn this game into a track meet. But a 59-42 final? That’s insane. The most staggering thing about this game wasn’t that they scored that many points, but how they scored. Explosive play after explosive play, defensive lapse after defensive lapse. Here’s a few takeaways from the game:

1. “I thought the SEC was a defensive league? Pshhh.”

This was the dominant message floating around Twitter last night. I can’t say I necessarily disagree with the sentiment, but that belief was predicated on a different era entirely, one devoid of an absurd targeting rule and one that didn’t protect the offense at the defenses expense. The SEC, in keeping with the times, has evolved into a high octane offensive league. Take a look around the league and its coaches:

2013 SEC Head Coaches

1. Auburn- Gus Malzahn

2. Missouri- Gary Pinkel

3. Alabama- Nick Saban

4. South Carolina- Steve Spurrier

5. LSU- Les Miles

6. Georgia- Mark Richt

7. Texas A&M- Kevin Sumlin

8. Vanderbilt- James Franklin

9. Mississippi State- Dan Mullen

10. Ole Miss- Hugh Freeze

11. Florida- Will Muschamp

12. Tennessee- Butch Jones

13. Arkansas- Bret Bielema

14. Kentucky- Mark Stoops

Of those, 10 of the 14 are offensive-minded head coaches (Malzahn, Pinkel, Spurrier, Miles, Richt, Sumlin, Franklin, Mullen, Freeze, Jones). Only ONE coach with a defense-first mentality (Saban) resides in the top half of the SEC. The other three: cellar dwellers Muschamp, Bielema and Stoops. Two of those coaches have legitimate excuses, as Bielema and Stoops are new to Arkansas and Kentucky. Muschamp, well, he’s just botched that Florida job harder than Ron Zook. Combine new rules designed to “make the game safer” and this much offensive genius in one league and the landscape will surely change.

2. Guz Malzahn is the best coach in the country

This isn’t hyperbole. Malzahn went head to head with Saban and destroyed his defense. Coming into the SEC CG, Missouri gave up an average of 119 rushing yards per game. Auburn RB Tre Mason had that in the first quarter. He finished with an SEC title game record 304 yards. AND THAT’S JUST ONE GUY. Total, Missouri’s normally stout defense allowed a preposterous 677 total yards. This Auburn team may be labeled as one-dimensional, but when that one dimension is putting up videogame numbers, what does it matter? Malzahn does what he does better than any other coach in the country, and at the highest level.

3. Just how far behind is Tennessee?

Tennessee is obviously nowhere close to the level of either Tigers team, but it’s not just on the offensive side. After seeing Auburn on display in a big-time situation, I’m positive Malzahn took it easy on the Vols… and they still won 55-23 in Neyland. They had a chance to put up 62, but chose to run out the clock inside the ten. Nick Marshall, not Tre Mason, was the star of that game, rushing for 214 yards on just 14 carries. Mason, by comparison, had 117 yards on 20 carries. As referenced earlier, Missouri’s defense was regarded as one of the best in the SEC, and even it allowed 59 points. To get back to a championship level, Tennessee needs the kind of defensive speed that can catch up to these caliber players. Not just that, but smart enough players to not get caught out of position pre-snap, leading to further busts. Having players that could tackle in the open field would be ideal, but come on… that’s just wishful thinking.