Noah Blundo: Top reasons for redoing my 'do

Monday

Aug 27, 2007 at 12:01 AMAug 27, 2007 at 6:04 AM

Before and after mugs attached.

Noah Blundo

No, I didn't lose a bet.

That seems to be most people's assumption recently when they see me without the furious mane I'd been growing out for about the past three years. Until Sunday, that is, when I had it sheared down close to my scalp.

The real reason I cut my hair is that I just got tired of the hassle. Showers were an ordeal; it got in my mouth when I ate; and I was spending something like $15 on conditioner every month. I don't think I have to tell you how much beer you could get for that amount of money. But I will -- 33 cans of Pabst.

However, the tired-of-the-hassle argument doesn't seem to have satisfied a lot of people. They want there to have been a profound or traumatic reason. One person asked me if I was in mourning. I did think about submitting an obituary to the paper for my locks, but that would have cost a whole $20 (43.7 cans of Pabst). So, to satisfy their imaginations, I've come up with this list of other reasons I cut my hair. Pick the one you like best and just pretend that's why I did it.

- I got tired of people asking what I would look like with a ponytail.

- I'm planning a trip overseas next year and thought that if my passport photo looked more clean cut, I'd lower my chances of a cavity search.

- I had no greater desire than to spend an entire week hearing all my co-workers ask "Hey, who's the new guy?" when they walked into the office.

- I needed to change my appearance so I could hide out because the Kent State people are after me for referring to the local campus as "the branch" in my last column.

- I donated it to make wigs for cancer patients. Actually, I don't think it was long enough for that, and I think it was too unruly to make a wig anyone would want, unless they wanted a clown wig.

- I donated it to a retrosexual. Now, before you start accusing me of making up words, let me point out a recent Newsweek piece on the subject chronicling a male trend away from the groomed-and-coiffed metrosexual look and toward brawniness.

You've no doubt heard of people who take skin from elsewhere on their bodies and graft it to their heads to turn the tide of baldness. Because, of course, nothing restores a man's dignity like sewing part of his butt to his head.

Anyway, now, according to this Newsweek article, some men are taking hair from their heads and grafting it onto their faces, chests and stomachs. Another man in the same Newsweek article got a nose job, only to turn right around and get another one to make his schnoz bigger and more masculine.

If big noses and chest hair are going to become the latest ideal for male appearances, it’s only a matter of time before I’m discovered by a modeling agency. Plus, I've got some Italian cousins they'd go crazy over.

- If I hadn't cut my hair, the presidential campaign would have made me rip it out.

- I needed a column topic.

E-mail Noah Blundo at noah.blundo@timesreporter.com .

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