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Thursday, 14 August 2008

Writing this from fashion prison

The sartorial disasters just keep coming at the moment. I should be locked in the tortoise house for a month until my wardrobe has stopped hating me. There will be photos later. For now, I makey pictures with my words. For you. Aren't you lucky?

UPDATE: There are photos now. Bad ones.

Exhibit One (the 'Internet shopping cautionary tale' outfit)

Oh look, says the Jaywalker, arsing around on the sale section of RandomPoshClothesCheap.com when she should be taking the word 'fertiliser' out of a document fifty squillion times. A nice plain black roomy dress. A little shroud-like, but what a bargain! I'll have that.

The dress arrives. Hello again Eric from the post room!Yay! Pretty box with tissue paper!

Open the box. Ooh. Nice. But wait -WHAT THE HOLY FUCK IS THAT?

Hmm. A sort of giant fabric pouch thing. In the back of my shroud. Jesus, Junya Watanabe has been messing with my dress! I should have known it was too good to be true!

Interesting. Look, I can fit a large plastic crocodile in the pouch! And, hmm, let's see, also a pillow! And a spatula! And a family-sized packet of Doritos!

The plastic crocodile nestles in my dress pouch

[Thinks] It looks ridiculous from the back, but totally normal from the front. And albeit a bargain, it did cost a small fistful of yuros. I will wear it! And back away from people like a courtier. And sit down a lot. And having a Dorito carrier is always handy.

[Later] Stop staring arsehole. This is Belgium, land of deconstructionist fashion and surrealism. Stare at that old flabby guy over there in the Galliano micro vest and Galliano skinny jeans with the big old weave on his head.

Exhibit 2 (the 'triumph of hope over experience' outfit)

Oh look, says the Jaywalker. Another black dress almost identical to Dorito dress, but aha, in a real shop this time. I can check out both front AND back. Result! Hmm. Not bad. No pouches, and very cheap. I shall have it!

[Wears dress] Um. Why are the Belgian people looking at me strangely? My bare anglo-saxon stumpy legs and solid Yorkshire knees possibly? With the FitFlops? Making me look like I am four? Ah, the Grayson Perry thing is it. Okay. Yeah, I get that a lot. Tights might help. Or not. Oh fuck it.

Exhibit 3 (the 'you haven't worn them for 2 years for a reason you twat' outfit)Fuck, still can't fit anything. Damn you lovely Margaret Howell baggy trousers that usually fit, damn you Comptoir des Cotonniers sausage skin beigeness, damn you everyone. Oh! What's this? Hooray, my very favourite and oldest pair of wide black trousers that cover a multitude of sins! Yay! Why are you hiding in there with a pile of old scarves?

Hmm. This new Petit Bateau sale tshirt with the attractive draped neck. The drape is much deeper than I thought. Shame I am wearing a shiny flesh coloured horror bra and all the passengers on the 92 tram are getting an eyeful. Wow, they can practically see my navel, poor bastards!

Ooh, approaching the work loos, feeling a bit post traumatic. No moths, phew. I will just hop up here on this handy loo seat to check how fiercely hot I am looking. Hmm. Not bad, if I hoik the tshirt up about half a mile. And the back view?

Argh! Oh fuck. Yeah. I forgot about that. The giant hole where the evil mothzillas of the wardrobe basically ate the arse out of my favourite trousers. And left a giant piece of fabric hanging off. Great. Another day when I can't get up or walk away from anyone!

10 comments:

I am far too cowardly to order dresses from the Internets. My body is far too idiosyncratic for easy dress fit.

But, for you, I don't think a pouch that can hold a cucumber creature is necessarily a bad thing.

Serious and desperate question: Do you think the fitflops make a difference? Please lie to me and tell me they do. I just ordered the MBT shoes. They arrive tomorrow. I am so excited and yet horrified by how ugly they are.

Yay, brilliant Belette we can swap notes. I want to believe, I really do. And I keep trying. And some part of me believes they sort of work. Whether that is one of the sane, or one of the mad bits, is unclear. I want the MBTS too. So ugly! So desirable. Brain being ripped in half!Full report on MBTs once you've tested plse.

I don't know why I ever order clothers off the internet.....they invariably go back! Hovever, I thinink the pouch-dress is actually rather fetching on you.....if a little unusual..... And so good for smuggling things in and out