THAT WAS THE SPORTING WEEK: As Manchester United get shirty (again) we reveal what your club will wear next season

Manchester United are rumoured to be going retro with an 80s-look
home strip for next season. Suggestions that Gene Hunt is to take over
as manager are wide of the mark, but it surely won't be long before
other clubs follow the lead of the Old Trafford merchandising super
power with themed outfits of their own.

Exploiting impeccable
connections in the world of fashion, Sporting Week has been given a
sneak preview of the patterns and colour schemes which will adorn your
team soon.

Here is our exclusive catwalk report on the new kits.

Scroll down for more

New manchester United shirt

Liverpool

The modern shirt lacks quality and tends to fade
by early in the second half. Can quickly unravel if stretched. Had been
doing good business in Europe's less glamorous markets until last
night but that might not be enough to stop the highly-strung head
designer joining one of the big Italian fashion houses in the summer.
The players would look a lot better if they pulled their socks up.

Liverpool at last find a use for Ryan Babel - but even as a mannequin he is still a dummy

Arsenal

Silky touch but lacking the durability needed for a long campaign. Manager's outfit comes with matching blinkers.

Chelsea

Can be worn as a smart/casual leisure top at Stamford Bridge's many prestige brasserie outlets before attending the football match. If you and your clients prefer, why not don your complimentary replica shirt for a night out at the theatre or a classical concert, before grabbing a late supper in town? Whichever strand of London's burgeoning entertainment industry you choose to indulge in, you are guaranteed to look the part.

The new Chelsea shirt will smell of money - much to John Terry's liking

Manchester City

A multi-million pound injection has given the Eastlands club a new look after years of vest wearing (totally armless, geddit?). Fabric is still liable to go all prickly when the subject of injury-time winners in general and Paul Scholes in particular comes up.

Can be worn with 70s-style striped City muffler - but only if you are Italian and know how to put a look together. Revenue streams in South America may dry up during the summer if top model decides he has already outstayed his welcome to Manchester.

Manchester City manager Roberto Mancini keeps the shirt warm for the next Eastlands boss - rumoured to be Roy Hodgson

Fulham

Under-stated but gets the job done in all weathers and has proved far more suited to long continental journeys than many expected.

Barcelona

Still probably the most sought-after style in Europe, even though many of the shirts mysteriously went missing on a recent trip to Milan and in the return leg.

Portsmouth

Offers no protection in crucial areas and colours seem to run - very slowly - with the inevitable result that Pompey were relegation certainties long ago. Financial meltdown at Fratton Park means that while the home strip changes once every season, club ownership changes once every other week.

U-turn: There was trouble in the Portsmouth shirt-making factory when it was pointed out that not only Harry Redknapp help take bitter rivals Southampton down but he also won Pompey the FA Cup - so these prototypes were destroyed

Newcastle United

Only available in extra large, but does come with absorbent pocket facility for mansize tissue storage, so you won't be caught short when the Premier League drama - and the mandatory televised tears - return.

Make mine a double: Newcastle fans will need a shirt that comes off easily

Having changed the name of the club's historic ground, their XXL owner is reported to be toying with the idea of replacing the team's iconic black and white stripes with a pink bunny and floral pansy pastiche. Just to show he is still in touch with the terraces.

Please note: no elite sporting icons were harmed in the writing of this column