I only wanted one thing for Christmas, you guys. ONE THING. I’ve been good all year because I wanted to read the Gwyneth Paltrow exposé in Vanity Fair, only to get to December and see it ripped from my clutches.

After hearing for months now that the magazine had gotten its hands on something really juicy about Gwyneth and was going to publish, I couldn’t wait to find out what it was. The rumors were that it exposed an alleged affair between Gwyneth and a man named Jeff Soffer who’s currently married to Elle MacPherson, but whatever it was, Gwyneth didn’t want it published.

Apparently she was making a huge stink about it, frantically emailing her friends and telling them not to work with Vanity Fair again or go to their Oscars party next year. And since she’s a celebrity, she wasn’t emailing joe schmos like I would be if I were in the same situation. She was getting in touch with people like George Clooney and Julia Roberts.

According to the stories, Julia wouldn’t get on board, but George actually pulled out of his scheduled cover shoot with the magazine, presumably because he thought if he didn’t, Gwyneth would come live in his cupboards and mark her territory on all the delicious foods he kept there, so he’d be forced to live on an all raw-air-vegan diet like her. (That’s when you can eat all air, except air that has ever touched a meat-eater, or ‘blood-mouth’, as they should be called.)

But anyway, all my good works and times that I haven’t been as snarky to Taylor Swift fans as a I wanted to be were apparently for nothing, because while the article will still be published, it’ll be significantly watered down:

“Whatever they wind up publishing, it’s going to be soft. Gwyneth’s campaign against the Vanity Fair article has apparently worked and she’s not as worried as she was three weeks ago. But the article is still coming out and she still refuses to participate in it.”

OH GREAT. I love soft journalism. The softer the better. I love reading a post and feeling like I’m all swaddled up in it, like a baby being spoon-fed glowing anecdotes about Gwyneth and her single cigarette a week. Such a charming habit.