My name is g, and this is my story

currently in middle school, this is a scary time. when I was young I lived in an abusive household and although I wasn't entirely the victim I was highly affected. As I grew older I pushed it away but its been coming back recently. it started to be serious when about a week after christmas over winter break I had my first anxiety attack. I sent out a text to a close friend and she comforted me and helped me. a few weeks later I had another. but this time I didn't text her. Instead I pushed away. that week I had been anyway and I should have guessed something was up. two days after that was the first time I was suicidal. I went to the same friend for help and it worked. it was scary. I was scared. since then its gotten more often. at one point I had a knife in my hand and was about to cut myself. I didn't end up doing anything but I paid attention and realized there was a cycle. the days before I am extremely introverted, and don't really talk to anyone, even those I care about. then that night is bad and the next few days I am extremely clingy. My struggle is increased because I am currently questioning and maybe have figured myself out but nothing is clear. yesterday I wrote down some thoughts I had.
I'm fine is what I say. What I mean is “I need you to help me. I just can't say it right now.” I can't admit that something is wrong, that I have changed that I am pushing everyone away. And although this may be OK for a time it won't last forever. Instead of cuts I have lies written on my arm but they hurt just as much. When it's almost eleven at night and you are still wide awake trying to breathe after having the worst anxiety you have ever felt, so bad that suicidal thoughts came after it, you know that you aren't OK. But it's not like you are ever going to tell that to anyone. If they notice your emptiness, the shell that remains after it all then they do and that means that you may have someone on your side willing to help pull you out. When all you can say is “im sorry” that doesn't mean a specific incident. That means “im sorry im alive”.
As a young ambitious person looking back I can feel that I am still supposed to be here. but there is still that feeling of fear. I don't know what will come next but I hope to find peace and happiness at one point.

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