As a matter of heart…

I’ve always been a skinny girl1. Even when I gained weight, I managed to carry it well. Growing up though, I thought I was fat and I blame the kind of jeans that were available to me: low riders. They sit on your hips, and don’t care if you have a little bit of a paunch going on where your reproductive organs are2.

I bathroom selfie because I can

This room isn’t going to look like this for much longer. I can’t wait for the change.

In the last two years, a fashion trend has come around in way that has allowed me to buy high-waist jeans at extremely reasonable prices and I could not be more grateful. I just can’t believe how much I used to hate my body, all because I didn’t have the right clothes available to me.

I just hope I can buy enough pieces now that I can keep for the rest of my life because I’m sure it will go out of style again. All I know is, I’m eternally grateful for whoever it was that made it possible for them to be in style again3.

For more outfit photos, you can make a request to follow me on Instagram.

[This lighthearted post has been brought to you by the fact that I need a good laugh]

I’m still that girl: Emotional, sensitive, dramatic1; I haven’t changed, but something else has: I no longer want to change that part about me.

One day, as I turned the corner from an tea date this was on the ground and it was just the most perfect thing I could have happened upon

I used to. I used to want to try to be less emotional, less sensitive, less “dramatic”. Many people2 have called me dramatic over the course of my life. Many people have said that I’m too emotional, or too sensitive. They’re not wrong. It’s true: I am all those things; I feel things very strongly and I’ve never been good at hiding my feelings3. I’ve learned how to identify the right time and place for certain things, sure, but I’ll be damned if I will pretend [they don’t exist], or hide my strong4 feelings about something.

With all the feelings came a lot of thoughts, insecurities, and questions about whether my behaviour was ever going to hurt someone. Along with all these feelings comes this ability to feel the same things that someone I cared about was feeling as well5. On top of that, I really hated feeling any sort of negative emotions and I fought them with such fervour, and of course that only made things worse. So I would worry, and try to predict situations and attempt to prevent hurting other people’s feelings. Naturally, whatever it was that I was trying to avoid was exactly what would happen and then I would be devastated. And I would blame myself; forever.

EFF THAT NOISE

I’ll be honest that I haven’t always treated every single person I’ve ever met with the utmost respect; I was a teenager once too. And in my adult life, I had a lot of learning to do but once I learned the hard lessons I have always tried my best to be as respectful as possible. I’m also overly considerate; sometimes to a fault. I don’t even try to be. It’s just there. One example I can think of would be the sidewalk dilemma: You know how, when you’re walking on the sidewalk and there is a couple or a group approaching you going in the opposite direction, the onus really should be on them to make room6, I used make myself so much smaller for no other reason than I wanted to be nice. Of course that would often backfire on me and make my walk that much more uncomfortable. I don’t do that anymore. I own my space. I walk on my side of the pavement, with a smile on my face and people always graciously move out of my way.

It’s only a small example of the changes I’ve seen in myself. And I am honestly just that much happier. I just can’t believe how much I used to worry about. I have to admit, I wonder how long this will last. It didn’t start over the holidays; I’ve felt this way since I turned thirty-five in early November. It feels pretty fucking fantastic. But I can’t help but worry that it will all change once I fall in love again. That’s always been my Achilles heel, if you will; it’s almost as if falling in love just rips me so wide open that I no longer know how to function. I just become a puddle of mush. It really sucks because I do so love being in-love. Thankfully I don’t foresee that happening anytime soon, and at the very least I know better now than to let things get out of hand too soon like I have been for the last 20 or so years. If he can’t fucking wait, that’s his own damn problem, isn’t it?

There’s a part of me that hopes that the girl I remember being is really gone for good. There’s another part of me that is sad because there was so much about her that I really loved. How much and how deeply I cared about things and people. But then again… oh how I cared; to the point where the pain was unbearable when someone hurt me. I’m sure that at some point in my life I will find something to care about that will be worth that pain, but until then I’ll be happy living a fuck-free life focusing on only those things that make my heart soar, and my soul sing7.

Footnotes:

if I had a dollar for every time that someone has called me that in a negative light, I’d have some extra spending money[↩]

not just the recent ones who I have since quietly cut out of my life[↩]

that is kind of a lie, if I wanted to be disingenuous I could be but I simply have no interest in misleading people[↩]

When you start to get to know someone; when you start to build a foundation for your relationship, you create certain stories together – most of them are true, at least in the context of your lives when you’re building.

When a relationship ends, after the turmoil, the pain, and the grieving is over sometimes there is this hope that remains. Hope that there was something about that foundation you built that is strong enough that maybe one day you could share that same bond again, or any bond – perhaps something that resembles a friendship1.

Sometimes though, the stories are too far from the truth and you just have to let go of the last of the lie. This doesn’t make either of you a bad person. The lies were true when they were being told. They just weren’t truths you wanted to keep, so you let the truths go. And you begin to live other truths that sometimes contradict the truths you once owned.

And then there are other times when there’s something about that ‘lie’ that’s sticky. It clings on to the core of you and insists on providing you with glimpses of hope that the lie is worth holding on to. So you wait it out. And you wait, and wait. You find other things to focus on because as the light of the ‘lie’ grows fainter every day, you need other light sources. So you look forward, and fill your life with the light of things that don’t remind you that you once allowed someone to treat you like you deserved anything less than respect.

One day, you’ll be ready. You’ll look back on the ‘lie’ and be able to wish it the farewell it deserves. And you’ll be free to really move on.

Unti then, just breathe.

Footnotes:

something to truly be treasured. It isn’t a consolation prize to romance[↩]

I don’t know about you, but it’s been a whirlwind of a year so far. It started off a little slow, but picked up the kind of speed that I imagine a ‘whirling dervish’ would.

I feel so very different than I ever used to. I don’t know how I shook it, but I have so much less guilt over things these days. It’s become easier to accept the things I can’t change, nor control and to just let them be. it’s also become easier to recognise them which is really nice. I also care a heck of a lot less about pleasing people, and as cliche as it sounds, I feel so much lighter for it.

Sunsets are one of my favourite things

There are some things missing from my life1… but I have faith that everything will come in time. There are relationships in my life that began to make me feel a little bit of pressure to find what I’m looking for, romantically, and it was very tempting to get frustrated that it’s not materialising sooner but then I just look at my never-ending-to-do-list and forget all about that. Thank goodness for priorities. Thank goodness for work.

I’m excited2 for the change of season that’s around the corner. Partially because one of my favourite events of year will be happening around that time, but also because it means I can hopefully have a yard sale and get rid of some a lot of the clutter around this house.

I know it might seem silly to wait to get rid of it all but I can’t afford to just give everything away. I need to try to make some money back. I won’t make much, but I will make more than I would if I were to give everything away for free. I had been using the Bunz app to try to trade the things I no longer need for other things but life, and work got too busy and scheduling and flakers get exhausting.

Last year, I sent out an open invitation to joy and it helped me get through a very difficult time. This year, I’m sending an open invitation out to romance. I’m ready. I’m also done chasing it for myself. I know what I’m looking for; I know what I want. I also know what it looks like and what it feels like. I’m also not afraid to say no anymore. So, let’s see what this new season and this year brings. Of course, the invitation for joy remains open; that’s why it’s so much easier to come by these days.

Footnotes:

not just in the romance department, though that is definitely included[↩]