How abuse makes you feel

The emotional abuse, even little digs, looks and comments that happen day after day, barely noticeable to anyone else. But you know exactly what they are trying to do - crush and control you.It can cause so much damage to your mental health and sometimes make you feel like you can't go on. Just wanted to vent really after another night of it, feeling quite low.Just wanted to share and empathise with others who are perhaps feeling the same.

The thing is, I've read the books (amazing Lundy Bancroft etc) been on the freedom programme, educated myself about domestic abuse, but I still get sucked in! I'm still trying to argue with him and qualify myself when I know that's it's all tactics and he knows how to press my buttons

It makes you feel crazy, that is what it does. I'm a few months out of a similar situation and the fear, guilt and everything else is starting to lift. Just. For the first few months my head felt like pea soup, now its more like a broth and I am starting to see a chink of light at the end of the tunnel.

Its there, whats happening to you is real. Soon as you trust in that, mobilise and get out of there. And start trusting your gut, because you have forgotten how to be truely autonomous. Good luck OP

I have friends/relatives who refer to him as an idiot and can see how what he does is wrong, but when I mention abuse they shake their heads and say no he's not that bad. But they don't realise what it's really like. And for so long, because you listen to them too, you focus more on how you are to blame and you beat yourself up about it because you deserve the put downs and criticism.

I find people really don't want to admit that things are abuse because the idea scares them. They may have experienced similar treatment in their lives and so they are in denial, or they may feel guilt at not saying something or offering support so they are afraid to admit it's abuse because that means they've let someone down.

They also don't experience things the way you do and sometimes trying to get across how wrong something was doesn't translate well, because it's not all name calling and physical violence, it's cumulative and insidious behavior designed to make you doubt yourself and often done in a way that looks innocent so they can deny it.

Trust the voice in your own head. You know him and the relationship best, if you say it is abuse it most likely is.

So many different stages. Wanted out of my house at 15 -16. He felt like my saviour. Looking back how I was cut off from everyone and he even made me drop out of college, (how could I be so stupid?).

I guess it was like water torture. 1 friend, I met up with years after, whilst still with him. She didn't recognise me. & then I got pregnant. Unfortunately, Afetr being filmed, abused and shared, I guess his fists missed my baby.

I hated him but holding that child and hearing him shout at him,? So 3 days before Christmas, I called a taxi and left.

I felt liberated .

He paid someone to slice open my face on the way to work, firebomb my home and chuck acid in my face. He has never been prosecuted because most of these conversations were recorded by my child. Stupidly he still had child access. And there was no way I was putting my son on the stand.

10yrs later and the threat is still real. And I feel what a pathetic MF. Ex tried the whole threatening shite,. told him I don't care, but if he hurts my son, ill make it slow and painful

How do I feel now? Angry, annoyed and possibly capable of kicking ass.

You are never going to be perfect at dealing with abuse BTW, because it is impossible to deal with abuse perfectly. You just need to find the things that are positive about the way you cope with it rather than setting high standards that you aren't in control of like being perfect or stopping him abusing you.

There's no possibly. You already did. You left. That's biggest ass kicking you could give and the best lesson to your child.

I'm sorry you had to live through such terror.

To Op, it does come in stages, first you don't notice it, then by the time you do, it's too late, you're already broken by them. It might take days, weeks or even years for to move beyond 'too beaten down to care' stage. And then comes anger. This is when you start planning to leave, this is where you are now, it comes with healthy dollop of fear. Ignore that, harness the anger, you are worth more, you deserve better. Do whatever it takes, no matter how terrifying to secure your freedom.

Next comes grief. It starts when you leave or when your exit plan is cleat. Don't panic about that, don't question yourself, it's normal. It doesn't mean you did the wrong thing, only that you mourn for what could have been, what was 'meant' to have been. Ignore that too. It would never have been. You would have been trapped forever. Abuse lies, it shows you what you want most to tie you down and delivers something entirely different.

Finally we reach acceptance and healing. This is the good bit, aim for this stage, it takes a while to get here, you might think you're here a few times during the anger and mourning stages and then bounce back. Don't worry, that's normal. Keep going. You'll get there. You are worth it.

Good luck.

Oh and FWIW I heard my abusive Ex-h left me today. I laughed, and I laughed and I laughed. It's almost as funny as the time he promised I could go back to him, if only I'd agree to be a good girl.

And instead of thinking 'oh my friends don't think it is bad' think 'my friends think he is an idiot too'. Try not to hold yourself to other people's views about him, they don't know him like you do or feel the way he makes you feel! You are a much better judge of whether you should be in a relationship with him or not and if you think of it this way 'my friends think he is an idiot and no friend is going to want their friend to be with an idiot' rather than 'they don't see what he is really like' it will be much easier.

And FWIW not everyone goes through the grief stage. Lots of people do and it is where they are at risk of going back, it is normal but not guaranteed. Some lucky people just get away and suddenly start to see how much better everything is.