by: Susan Dusse 5/18/17​As I sit here, blowing off all of my other obligations, compelled to write this, I cry. I was sad when Prince and David Bowie passed. But this really caused an ocean of tears for me. The passing of Chris Cornell is absolutely devastating to me. While I didn’t know him personally, his music touched me profoundly, like it did a lot of people, like it likely did you. It is surprising how losing someone you don’t even know can affect you so deeply. I’ve seen the beautiful and the ugly words on social media today, and remain neutral and numb. I’ve seen both the sadness and anger at suicide today, and I respect each position. Much like our taste in music, we all feel how we feel about suicide, and strongly, and it is OK. What is not OK is to not know what resources are available, and to not reach out when you need help. I’ll stop right here for a moment….National Suicide Prevention Hotline1-800-273-8255http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

I’ve personally been effected by suicide. When I was 17, my boyfriend shot himself. For years, I thought it was my fault; that I could have done something to prevent it. He wanted sex, and I was still pure, untouched. He said to me, “I am breaking up with you. I’ve done more bad in my life than you will ever do in yours, and I cannot be a bad influence on you, my angel.” Well, not only was he wrong, but I carried the burden for years: If I just would have had sex with him, maybe he would be alive…Maybe that act would have altered the universe enough to change his life plan. It has taken me years to understand that it was never my fault. I am struck by, and perplexed at the suffering that one must go through to die at their own hands. Be it mental illness, drugs, addiction, demons; a life lost is tragic.

Was there anything that anyone could have done for Chris? Did he reach out and no one was there? Did he fight demons by himself? Did he have a terminal illness that no one knew about? Was depression so bad that it was just too intolerable to continue to endure? Was the pressure of life too much to take? Was he in so much pain that death seemed better? Again, was there anything that anyone could have done for Chris? The answer is a resounding NO if he didn’t reach out for help.

While we know that Chris died by his own hands, allegedly suicide by hanging, as reported by the coroner, we likely all are asking ourselves why. He had fame, he was beautiful, he had money, material things, wrote great music, had children, a wife…. everything. Everything that we are told we NEED to make it…to be happy. But this is proof that money and fame do not buy happiness. We will likely never know the truth behind why. We can speculate all we want, but we will likely never know. What we can do is pay attention. Don’t scroll by the Facebook post when a friend is reaching out for help. Answer the phone when a friend calls. Stop by and do a wellness check when you haven't heard from your friend in a while. Tell those you love how much they mean to you. Ask how people are doing. And, on the flip side, reach out for help. Post on social media if you are having a difficult time, make that phone call if you find yourself in a state of despair.

Regardless of why, (and it doesn’t matter if you hold the position that suicide is a coward’s way out, or that suicide is tragically sad) Chris Cornell wrote songs that touched us deeply, songs that we loved…songs that altered a generation’s music.

I came a bit late to the Soundgarden game with: Badmotorfinger” in 1991. It was one of those albums that you loved upon first listen. It didn’t take repetition to enjoy it; you could listen to the entire album with pleasure, not just a song or two. Then I discovered Temple of the Dog. I followed Soundgarden up through their break in 1997.

Then in 1999, I fell in love with: Euphoria Morning,” which was stunning. I hesitatingly allowed Audioslave into my heart in 2001 and began to love it. (I wasn’t a Rage Against the Machine fan.) Don’t be mad as your read this, but Tom Morello’s playing drives me crazy.

I played Chris’ and Eleven’s version of Ave Maria at a friend’s funeral; there was absolute silence as it played.

When I married in 2006 (to husband #2), Chris’ “Sunshowers” played as I walked down the aisle.

I enjoyed his music in a plethora of movies, compilations, and collaborations.

I bought “Scream” in 2009 on the day it came out. I purchased it in Seattle, which felt fitting, and listened to it all the way home, on repeat, to Portland. And, although it was categorized as weird by some (many) accounts, I loved it.

“Carry On,” in 2007 was delightful, and I was lucky enough to see Chris Cornell at the Crystal Ballroom in Portland for his acoustic show.

When “Higher Truth” came out in 2015, I was in South Africa. It was an album that touched me on a level that I’ve not experienced since Zakk Wylde’s “Book of Shadows.” I was in an unhappy marriage, far from home, out of the country, isolated, and it became one of my best friends.

As reported on several sites, Chris’ final performance ended with “Rusty Cage” and “Slaves and Bulldozers” which reportedly had a bit of Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time of Dying,” and that is really sad. Sad, ominous, haunting…and significant.

In my time of dying, I want nobody to mournAll I want for you to do is take my body homeWell, well, well, so I can die easy [x2]Jesus, going to make upJesus, going to make up my dying bedMeet me, Jesus, meet meMeet me in the middle of the airIf my wings should fail me, LordPlease meet me with another pairWell, well, well, so I can die easy [x2]Jesus, going to make upSomebody, somebodyJesus going to make upJesus going to make you my dying bedWell, well, well, so I can die easyJesus, going to make upSomebody, somebodyJesus going to make upJesus going to make you my dying bedOh, Saint Peter, at the gates of heavenWon't you let me inI never did no harmI never did no wrongOh, Gabriel, let me blow your horn, let me blow your hornOh, I never did, did no harmI've only been this young onceI never thought I'd do anybody no wrongNo, not onceOh, I did somebody some goodSomebody some goodOh, did somebody some goodI must have did somebody some goodOh, I believe I didI see the smiling facesI know I must have left some tracesAnd I see them in the streetsAnd I see them in the fieldAnd I hear them shouting under my feetAnd I know it's got to be realOh, Lord, deliver meAll the wrong I've doneYou can deliver me, LordI only wanted to have some funHear the angels marching, hear them marching, hear them marchingHear them marching, the' marchingOh my Jesus, oh my Jesus, oh my Jesus [x3]Oh my Jesus, oh my JesusIt's pretty good up hereOh Georgina, oh Georgina, oh Georgina, oh GeorginaOh I'll see you againOh, don't you make it my dying, dying, dyingCough!That's gotta be the one, ain't it?Come have a listen, thenOh yes, thank you

Did he know what the next few hours were to be as he sang those ominous and profound words? We will never know.

Chris Cornell, and all that he gave me, will always be special to me, and I mourn on this day.So, I ask you, as you read this. If you are in need of help, please reach out to someone. Please.​I will end this writing with one of my favorite songs that Chris wrote, “Before We Disappear,” from 2015’s Higher Truth.

"Before We Disappear"Time ain't nothing if it ain't fastTaking everything that you ever hadAnd giving nothing in returnBut a cold bed in a quiet earth

If there's a door to every cellA pearl inside of every shell then

How hard can it beTo share your love with me?How hard can it beTo rise with me each morning?I know that it feels likeWe will live foreverBut I fearThat time will hide the years

​Life ain't nothing if it ain't hardIt'll show you who you truly areKnock you down when you get too tallTill you're spun around in a free fall

But somewhere out there past the stormLies the shelter of your heart

So how hard can it beTo share your love with me?How hard can it beTo rise with me each morning?I know that it feels likeWe will live for everBut I fearThat time can hide the yearsSo hold on tightly my dear

I'm not one to waste my timeSearching for some silver liningBut somewhere out there past the stormLies the shelterOf your heart

So how hard can it be (how hard)To share your love with me?How hard can it beTo rise with me each morning?I know that it feels likeWe will live foreverBut I fearThat time can hide the yearsLike we were never hereSo hold on tightly my dear