Eat. Sleep. Read. Travel. Bake. Work out. Eat again. Sleep again.

believe

I started reading Osho’s books 2 years ago since I was so depressed. I made a choice, and with that choice I bet all my faith on a person, then I failed. Since faith is often misplaced. Lesson learnt. The worse thing is I can barely believe in my own decisions anymore.

“Think about this a little – your constant need for love. You want someone to love you, and if someone loves you you feel good. But what you don’t know is that the other loves you only because he wants you to love him. It is just like someone throwing bait to fish: he does not throw it for the fish to eat, he throws it to catch the fish. He does not want to give it to the fish, he only does it because he wants the fish. All the people that you see in love around you are only throwing bait to get love. They will throw the bait for a while, until the other person starts feeling that there is a possibility of getting love from this person. Then he too will start showing some love until eventually they realize that both of them are beggars. They have made a mistake: each had thought the other was an emperor. And in time each one realizes that he is not getting any love from the other, and that’s when the friction starts.”

I’ve learned to live a fuller life, a less demanding life.

For example, when I’m upset, I call my best-friend and she is busy with her own stuff and she can’t spare her time to listen to me. Is she selfish? Should I be angry with her? Or on Valentine day, my boyfriend doesn’t have any flower or fancy gift for me, should I be mad?

“Hence, it looks very contradictory, paradoxical, when stated in such a way: “Love brings aloneness.” You were thinking all along that love brings togetherness. I am not saying that it does not bring togetherness, but unless you are alone you cannot be together. Who is going to be together? Two persons are needed to be together, two independent persons are needed to be together. A togetherness will be rich, infinitely rich, if both the persons are utterly independent. If they are dependent on each other, it is not a togetherness – it is a slavery, it is a bondage.

“If they are dependent on each other, clinging, possessive, if they don’t allow each other to be alone, if they don’t allow each other space enough to grow, they are enemies, not lovers; they are destructive to each other, they are not helping each other to find their souls, their beings. What kind of love is this? It may be just fear of being alone; hence they are clinging to each other. But real love knows no fear. Real love is capable of being alone, utterly alone, and out of that aloneness grows a togetherness.”

Normally there’s a Yes answer from my friends. I think it should be a No. Why? Because those people don’t have any responsibility to take care of my mood or to make me happy. I should be glad if they can schedule their busy life to stay with me. My best-friend – her duty is not to listen to me. I should feel grateful if she have time for me. Plus in case my boyfriend doesn’t show up with flowers or fancy stuff, the question for myself is whether I really need it at all. I don’t like flowers anyway. For me it’s a way of wasting money for spending on flowers on those special days since flowers on those days are ridiculously overpriced. Plus for me, flowers in a vase, no matter how fancy that vase is, are beautiful dying creatures, and it is just cruel.

Well, so that’s just my egoism. Because other girls have flowers, then I must have flowers even though deep inside I don’t care.

That’s it. Lesson 101: To live a less demanding life.

“If you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Is it true? I said it but I did not believe in my words at all. When he told me he’s going to get married soon, it was like I dropped my heart on the floor while my mind was frozen. My mind was like floating somewhere on the ceiling and it looked at my body staring at the phone and my soul just broke into pieces. But I must keep my words.

“I’m happy for you honestly.”

Things have expiry dates, even promises…

Well, a fuller life, a less demanding life, a live-for-this-moment life never assures to save me from that very moment. I kept my motto. I was not mad at all. Never. That’s no one’s fault. I’m just sad, and that’s my fault..

“Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That’s its balance.”

“You feel good, you feel bad, and these feelings are bubbling from your own unconsciousness, from your own past. Nobody is responsible except you. Nobody can make you angry, and nobody can make you happy.”

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.