Six Tips For A Better Day At The Dog Park

From picking up sh*t to finding a date, the author of Off the Leash shares his advice.

Dog parks are a good time! You let your dog off leash so it can run rampant with other dogs, poop wherever, and generally bang into things. And you go off leash a bit, too, standing around with a random assemblage of people—couples rehearsing for their first baby, elderly ladies with cockapoos, nose pickers, the occasional freak.

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But you have to play by the rules, or you will be swiftly excommunicated from the enclosed ring. And the elderly ladies with cockapoos will be leading the charge.

A few suggestions for a better afternoon:

1. Dress down. Dog owners who arrive wearing new suede chukka boots or their best leather jackets are asking for trouble. Next thing you know, a rowdy dog has left a perfectly formed muddy paw print on your elegantly creased pants, making you look like a fool. And then you're irritated at the owner of said dog, and then that owner is irritated at you, and good luck finding sympathy, seeing as you decided to be fancy at a place where the dominant themes are drool, poop, dirt, puddle water, and pee.

2. Honor the boundary. Park friendships are special. You see each other daily, but you aren't very deep into each other's lives. You haven't met each other's spouses, partners, and friends, and you haven't seen each other's homes. Nevertheless, you can say anything to a park friend without fear of consequence in your "real" life. You are able to be intimate and yet maintain a freeing sense of anonymity. If you suggest a hangout without the dogs, you are endangering that delicate balance. Just be happy with what it is.

3. Pick up. Most of the dog park rules are unspoken behaviors you slowly come to understand. But the rule that is stated immediately, explicitly, over and over again, is that you must pick up your dog's shit. When little Ziggy squats, his legs shaking ever so slightly, you must be there, holding your bag high in the air like a jib sail, waiting patiently, so that everyone knows you are a responsible adult. You must be conspicuous in your duty. Look, no one wants to pick up shit; it's gross. Bags break, smells emerge, bacterial fears flood your head. The temptation to leave it rotting in the grass, a lonely little still life, a trap waiting for someone else's foot, is great. But don't do it; you will damned to hell.

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4. Flirt, but don't freak out. There's something safe and homey about the dog park. It's where dogs and their owners go to play, relax, and be as spacey or as goofy as they want to be. You do not want to sully the vibe with player pretentions, or complicate what is generally a very easy atmosphere. You can flirt, for sure; I know a couple who met at the dog park and are heading into marriage. But do not flirt impulsively. Make your approach slow enough to pull back at the slightest sign of offense or resistance. Protect your stomping ground, because it belongs to others, too.

5. A toy is a toy. One of the least attractive qualities in a dog owner is being too possessive of the toys you bring to the park. I know, I know, you brought your dog's favorite ball, and now a Golden Retriever is gnawing away at it. But you should know, if you don't already, that dogs always want other dogs' toys. No matter how many times someone tells you dogs aren't like people, remember that they really are in many ways, and that the grass is always greener for them, too. So bring extra objects, and stop bugging other owners to get your toys out of the mouths of their dogs. You can collect your toys before you leave, but while they're in play, be Zen about it. It's just a toy.

6. Above all, just ease on in. When your dog gets to the park, he or she makes an entrance. The Vizsla swoops in, all "I'm here everyone, so let's run." The pit bull grabs some other dog's ball and tears ass. You should gadually blend into the group conversation, assuming there is one, and veer off if necessary. And respect the solitude of those who don't want to talk. Some days, every owner just wants to have a sliver of peace and quiet at the park. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Matthew Gilbert is the TV critic at The Boston Globe. His favorite TV "dog" is Wilfred. He has written for Slate, been managing editor of Boston Review, and clerked at Harvard Book Store. He lives in Brookline, Mass., and Off the Leash from St. Martin's Press is his first book.

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