Guy Won’t Stop Reenacting Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Welcome back to Ask Google, in which we use a device designed for driving directions and plagiarism to solve our emotional dilemmas — with a little help from Google-whisperer Jack Stuef. This week: noisy neighbors, a height fetish, and nonverbal communication about jizz.

I moved into my apartment building a month ago, and there’s a big problem: Somebody living below me plays the song “Moon River” LOUDLY and REPEATEDLY. Like, I hear it at least 20 times a day, often for hours at a time, day or night. Sometimes it’s the same version on repeat, but there’s also a lot of covers on a lot of different instruments, and the guy who lives there plays them ALL, in addition to pulling out a guitar himself and singing a particularly slow and mournful edition of it. I’ve tried knocking on the door to ask him to stop, but I got no answer, and slipping a note under his door didn’t work either. My landlord says it’s not his problem. Dear God, how do I make it stop?

Clearly this gentleman is trying to incite the plot of Breakfast at Tiffany’s with you, and you have yet to pick up on the hint. It’s been a long time since I saw that film, but I believe you’re supposed to enter his apartment through the fire escape to begin this romance, not knock on his door.

But if you’re not into cigarette-holder cosplay, you’re going to have to find a way to end this nuisance.

Considering “get neighbor to stop playing music” returns 110 million results on Google, this is a rather common problem. There’s a post near the top from Lifehacker, the kind of site people actually trust for this sort of advice, but it wouldn’t be Ask Google if I just stopped there and missed this guy (ninth result):

Yes! Him! Let’s go with his advice!

In this video, Mr. Gould suggests you check local noise ordinances before you consider any legal remedies, but that sounds like a lot of reading, and I highly doubt there have been any laws passed specifically against “Moon River,” based on the lack of relevant results to my Google search for “teen’s school shooting inspired by moon river lyrics.”

But then the esteemed Mr. Gould, in his infinite sitting-in-front-of-a-big-bookcase wisdom, starts to discuss barking dogs, which gives me an idea: Why don’t you get a barking dog? Fight your neighbor’s annoying din with some of your own. Eventually he’ll have to confront you about it, and by then you’ll actually have some leverage to get him to mute the music.

After a quick, unsuccessful search for “history’s greatest passive-aggressive triumphs” and a quick, overwhelmingly successful search for “passive aggression is a disorder,” it’s clear Google doesn’t have my back on this, but I’m sticking with my advice. After all, if passive aggression doesn’t work, why does the world keep resorting to it?

I don’t know why this always happens to me when I’m with someone new, but is there some way to let a guy know I don’t want him to come all over my face like we’re in a porn video without having to tell him that out loud? I really don’t think I should have to tell him that.

Try turning off the video camera?

I was hoping Google Translate would be able to give me some American Sign Language you can use, but it doesn’t appear to have that ability. Instead, I had to feel awful typing the following phrase into a website that bills itself as “a fun educational website for teachers and kids” (“translate into asl,” first result):

I hope you’re happy.

I recently ended my first-ever long-term relationship and have started dating again, and suddenly realized I’m only interested in tall guys. My ex is tall, but before him, I never had a thing for that. I thought I was over him, but I’m worried this kinda shows I’m not?

I’m speculating completely without the help of Google here, but I think it may be possible to break up with a man without detesting every physical trait about him. Perhaps dating a tall guy has simply opened your eyes to the benefits of height in a mate. It may not be as considerable an asset as, say, a man with a refrigerated chest cavity that can chill a bottle of wine in under five minutes, but something is telling you it’s an appealing attribute in a potential copulatee.

Of course, according to experts at leading British science journal the Daily Mail (“science why women like tall guys,” seventh result), evolution has wired women to prefer tall men because a “study has shown men hit hardest when striking downwards and the blows of a taller man are more powerful than the thumps of a short man.”

This, presumably, means a taller man would be better able to protect you. But if that’s really what you’re looking for in a mate, you can broaden your search beyond tall, single, human men. How about dating an AC-130 aerial gunship (“deadliest weapons,” second result)?

“It’s designed to hit targets on the ground or at sea, firing Gatling guns and howitzers fore, aft and to the side. The AC-130’s weakness is that it flies ‘low and slow,’ making it vulnerable to surface-to-air or air-to-air missiles.” Aw, all big and strong on the outside but still vulnerable.