The feces encountered in San Francisco are all red, suggesting severe intestinal problems, concentrated near the city's Jalapeño District.

KERALA, India -- Kerala has become the newest Indian state to declare itself "Open Defecation Free" (ODF). Kerala joins Himachal Pradesh and Goat Vindaloo as ODF states, and for the latter, that's saying something.

Unfortunately, none of the local news indicates whether ODF renders the state free of the practice, or renders citizens free to engage in the practice. In the former case, it is equally unclear how the latter will be kept from engaging in the practice, or whether there are that many corks and stoppers in the entire state. It is pretty difficult even to discern exactly what the practice is. However, in either case, state officials gave assurances that bears will remain free to feces in the woods, as will the Pope too, if he should elect to visit Kerala.

During a state visit to Kerala, prime minister Narendra Modi suits up to become the first to free the state of open defecation.

In contrast, the American city of San Francisco has proclaimed itself a Mecca of open defecation. A record number of droppings has been counted in all eleven "supervisory" districts, by city employees who supervise that sort of thing. San Francisco is home to the Cow Palace, the Cow Hollow, and Cowtown Boots. (The UnNews Editorial Suite is nearby in Wikia City, but they are still fecesting bricks that Donald Trump has not been by to beg for an endorsement.) For this reason, it is hoped that most of the droppings are merely bovine. "Even this could be a factor in the city's global warming," said Supervisor David Campos, who supervises droppings in District Nine.

"There’s a lot more people that need services," said Public Works Director Mohammed Nuru, who is in charge of the clean-up. These services would include city-provided laxatives. "A lot of them are from people who are living on the streets. That’s a fact," he snapped, though this reporter had not expressed any doubt.

Luke Fuller, an analyst in the Controller’s Office, said of these tokens of poor control, "They are unusual in terms of citywide trends. Part of it could be because of gentrification." He explained that when a suburbanite moves downtown and restores a three-story apartment building, there is a natural urge to take a crap on the sidewalk — especially in the weeks before the building inspector arrives.