10 Contradicting Things About the Elusive INFJ Male

I found out that I am an INFJ personality type many years ago and have since developed a very close affinity to the label. Not that I like being boxed into a category, but more that it made me feel less self-conscious about the way I am and the way I view the world — especially having gone through life feeling a little odd and different from others. This made even more sense after finding out that the INFJ male is the rarest of the personality types, coming in at 0.5 to 1 percent of the population.

Originally I put down my differences to my hearing loss. I didn’t want to socialize in noisy or busy environments, because I have trouble following conversations. But I always thought there must be something else, because I don’t fit the traditional male role. I’m a teetotaler, not into team sports or football, and I enjoy the quiet home life. All seemed counter to what my male friends were like. As a result, school was a quiet, lonely affair, and I ended up focusing solely on my studies and work.

Many INFJ men have traits that are contrary to the male stereotype, and many have learned to hide those values under a bushel of shame, therefore being untrue to themselves. This in turn leads to feeling trapped, disingenuous, and often unhappy. However, once they learn to embrace those traits and ignore what society expects of them, they can start to shine.

In my experience, INFJ males can be an enigma of sorts, living a life of contradictions. Here are just ten of the many contradictions of the INFJ man (although I do realize that many of them are not gender specific):

1. We’re not materialistic, yet we have a strong desire to surround ourselves with quality. This isn’t to prove we have the best stuff or to show off, but rather that we find value in being surrounded by beauty. We rarely desire things, but when we do, we’d rather have the best of it or go without.

2. We want to be noticed but not the center of attention. As introverts, we don’t like being the center of attention, and you will often find us gravitating toward the walls of any party or get-together — that’s if you can get us there in the first place! That said, we still crave an emotional connection and in-depth conversations with others, and in order to experience that, we need to meet new people. However, our quiet, reserved nature means we rarely approach others. So in order to prompt others to make the first contact, we need to be noticed.

3. We care about how we look, but we don’t like superficiality. This goes along with the aforementioned traits. We know we live in a predominantly materialistic, superficial, extroverted world, which is in direct opposition to our true nature. But in order to be noticed or get ahead in life, INFJs understand that we have to accept and embrace some societal ideals. However, once we get past thinking we need to fit in, we delve into the deeper and emotional side of things. This is another reason why you might see INFJs who are into health, fitness, and fashion but also philosophical and idealistic.

4. We may come across as moody and cold, but we are actually very sensitive and emotional. We are very much in our own heads and forever thinking about anything and everything. As a result, INFJ males can be distracted from the outside world and the people in it. This complex and constant internal dialogue we experience, along with the disassociation from the outside world, can result in the appearance of a moody and cold demeanor. But our depth of thought comes from a deep, sensitive, emotional place; unfortunately, only those who get close to an INFJ man see and experience this side of us. Society beats men down for being empathetic, emotional, and sensitive, so we may keep this part of ourselves hidden for fear of ridicule.

5. We’re all or nothing, rarely in between. This is a result of our traits of perfectionism and idealism. We’d rather do things well or not at all. And I rather think that this applies to most aspects of the INFJ male’s life. We love completely or not at all. We get the best products or we don’t bother. We train hard and eat healthily or you can find us on the sofa eating Ben & Jerry’s, chocolate, and pizza (okay, that last one is just me but I suspect many of us have similar idiosyncrasies). We rarely do consistent or middle of the road for long periods of time. Although we think we want things to be organized, planned, and steady, we also have a thirst for learning and discovering new things — and that requires constant change. This is another reason why we might confuse others, as we can go from one extreme to the other in a split second, seemingly without any reason.

6. We’re understanding and empathetic, yet incredibly stubborn. The INFJ personality type is often referred to as “The Counselor” or ‘The Confidant” because of our empathic, intuitive nature. That said, our strong intuitive capabilities mean we trust our instincts above all else, and this may result in a stubbornness and a tendency to ignore other people’s opinions. We believe that we’re right, and we usually know it!

7. We rebel, but we also want to be accepted. We rebel against a society that promotes the very things our moral compass goes against (rules, extroversion, freedom, materialism, superficiality). Yet we strive to be accepted, understood, and welcomed by others. We have a tendency to be solitary, which often results in an unfulfilled need for deep, trusting relationships.

8. “They’re wonderful and frustrating at the same time.” This is what our friends, family, and partners say about us.

9. We’re feminine yet masculine. Especially once we’ve embraced our emotional nature, INFJ males can encompass both stereotypical feminine and masculine qualities, depending on the situation. This is why INFJs are sometimes referred to as social chameleons. I recall family Sunday dinners: I’d be the one who would help out with the cooking, washing up, etc., while the other men in my family would be busy watching football.

Another contradiction is that INFJ males often relate to women better than most men, but we have difficulty developing romantic relationships. This is due to our perfectionistic and idealistic nature, as well as the decision to never settle for a relationship that doesn’t meet our high standards. It’s also fed by our introverted nature and a fear of rejection.

10. We’re hopeless romantics with a dirty mind. As Michael Dibdin once wrote, “He certainly seemed to have the quality of a gentleman but the interesting kind who knows exactly when to stop behaving like one.”

“I’ve never met someone like you before.” – that’s the favorite compliment I get. It is hard to understand many so easily, yet being understood seldomly by others.

@Jessi: I think i’ve never met an INFJ woman either – we all hide too much 🙂

Shawntel

I relate to this article so much! I feel like you’ve read my mind! Except for the fact I’m an infj woman. A relationship with an infj male sounds divine! House is tidy, deep conversation, creative, changing, foodie and a prevert! Mmmmm….a dream come true!

gil

Agree

M.Y.Z.

As an INFJ woman, I can relate to all of the traits, even the feminine and masculine side.

*slow clap* Well done, Daniel! I’ve met quite a few INFJ women, but it’s nice to be recognized as an INFJ male. Even on No. 5, I’m the same way when it comes to either eating healthy and staying fit or binging on junk food on the couch. And I’m also the one who gets along great with women, even with very few romantic relationships to my name.

Loved this article! I’m an INFJ male as well and it sometimes makes me sad that there are so comparatively few of us.

Matthew

As a fellow male INFJ, I can’t say I identify too much with this list. There are a few things that ring true, but especially the whole “all or nothing” way of thinking is very foreign to me, except in certain contexts like relationships. In that case, my thinking is either you’re totally dedicated to each other and discovering whether this is a relationship that can last a lifetime, or we might as well say goodbye. That doesn’t mean I want to rush things, but the commitment to the process is 100% or 0%.

But I have no tendency to have the best version of something, or to go all out on some project or endeavour if I’m going to do it at all, and I don’t try to keep up a super tidy appearance or anything (it feels like a mask).

Dylan

I am so touched by your writing. I took a personality test after finding myself distraught of my years of making hundreds of “friends” easily but lacking any single person who could identify with my personality. I found out that I was also an INFJ personality type. It’s so heartwarming to know that there’s someone else out there who understands exactly how I am. It really feels like you’ve written about me. Thanks for taking the time to write this and making me feel less like an outsider.

louiville

As an INFJ male this article is so true to life. Being a fascinating enigma is unique.

I’m an INFJ male, and I identify with this so much. This is me to a “T.” Every single point on this list describes me almost perfectly. I’ve felt different my whole life and was often told and treated as though I was “wrong” for being the way I am. When I found out I was an INFJ, I was disappointed at first when I learned that it’s the rarest personality type, but it also made sense to me, as I’ve never come across anyone who truly seemed like they understood me and where I was coming from. As time went on, though, I came to embrace being such a rare personality type, because it makes me unique, and I like the person I am. Still, knowing that there are more of us out there makes me feel a lot better!

“I’m a teetotaler, not into team sports or football, and I enjoy the quiet home life.”

Wait, are you saying that football is not a team sport?

Anyway, I’m an INTP, not an INFJ, but about 90% of this applies to me! Oh, and I like team sports, but I just haven’t ‘acted on’ that like in many years, having watched a game in which I didn’t know one of the players in a long time. It’s less because I’m not interested and more because I’m interested in so many other things so much more!

For #7, you could tie it together by saying that we want to fit in, but not at the sake of succumbing to what society expects us to be, for that would be existential suicide.

Thank you for writing this, it is me exactly. It’s nice to know I am not the only one because it often feels that way.

Michele Flowers

True for me as an INFJ woman too.

Blaine

This is spot on! I would only tweak number 7 (We rebel, but we also want to be accepted), since for myself I will rebel and advocate for the little man who’s being treated unfairly, but otherwise I like non-confrontation.

Michael Gilly

I’m an INFJ male also, and I must say that all 10 of these apply to me as well!

I usually don’t like leaving comments on articles because usually I’d be like “I relate to this!” or “Wow! I’m like this!” and I feel that it’s not needed.

But this time I gotta say, this is spot-on. I don’t know if this is because I’m absurdly high on the % to the point where my friend genuinely asked, “How do you socialise with a 96% introversion? How are you alive?”

This was a pleasant read because I finally could be sure that there were people like me about. It doesn’t feel that great to stick out like sore thumb, you know?

P.S. I got the 96% on 16personalities the last time I took it if anyone was curious.

NotMyRealName

As a fine Infj gentleman, I want to declare that number 10 has my seal of approval… Sorry, not sorry.

I feel like I wrote this! It’s really comforting to find I’m not the only one with these feelings and strange ways. Just a shame we are so few…

gil

Consuming personality. …gil

Tobe Fong

10 out of 10.

Greg_in_Texas

Late to the party, but felt the need to comment.

In typical INFJ fashion I have spent a lot of time researching MBTI and the INFJ type. I relate pretty well to most of the analysis and traits, but felt some parts still missing. Your analysis of an INFJ male struck a chord with me. I related to just about every trait and characteristic you mentioned in a way that is much closer than other articles I have researched. Good analysis, great article, thank you.

Matthew

I am a gay male INFJ so I feel very rare indeed. I would like to meet/talk to others like me. I agree with pretty much everything in this article. I am still yet to find my career as nothing seems to suit me. I get easily worn down by negative and bitchy colleagues and friends who become draining get the ‘INFJ door slam’.

Kit Fugrad

Sounding board here. Feel free to bounce ideas off me, as I’ve door-slammed many a former employer as of late.

Kit Fugrad

In the past, I’d tested as an INFP– though for the last 10 years, I’ve been solidly on the J-side of things. Not sure if I was mis-placed, though as an INFJ, I can understand how something like that would happen, as we both understand ourselves seemingly entirely, and simultaneously know little to nothing at all about the how-and-why we do things.

I have come to accept many things about myself that seem to befall INFJs– solitude isn’t a bad thing, being alone isn’t a bad thing, knowing I have limits isn’t a bad thing, working from my emotions and letting others see my emotions isn’t a bad thing. There was a time when I forced myself to be among other people, forced my emotions down– and I just felt completely out of sorts with myself (which only pushed my depression more and more into the foreground).

This was a very insightful article, particularly from my side of the fence, or my end of the tunnel, as it were. I’m a gay INFJ male, which seems like an even thinner slice of the population. But I suppose things can feel that way when the type is already pretty rare.

Rare doesn’t mean special. It just means that it’s a different end of the spectrum– and a different way of seeing things. All of that I have come to appreciate, much like the insights written here.

Gail Brinson Ivey

Great article, Daniel! I’m an INFJ female, and all of the above applies to me as well. (Except that I relate better to men than to other women…)