New Year’s Resolutions — That My Cat Broke

Also:

Every year, I make resolutions for my cat. Every year, my cat breaks them. Here’s how it went this year.

Resolution No. 1: No more meowing for food before the sun comes up

Days before breaking resolution: Zero

Statement from the cat: “What? I was hungry! Give me a can opener my paws can work if you want me to keep quiet. Better yet, just leave a chicken out. Why do you never leave a chicken out? You want quiet, you leave a nice, fluffy chicken on the couch before you turn in, and you won’t hear a peep from me. Make sure the chicken is alive, but just sorta. I don’t need a big fight or anything.”

Resolution No. 2: No more jumping into the hanging blinds

Days before breaking resolution: One

Statement from the cat: “I couldn’t handle it anymore! I had to jump in those blinds! They were calling to me, they were alive, they said they wanted me to jump into them. I did you a favor, actually. Those blinds also said they were going to kill you. You should give me a chicken.”

Resolution No. 3: No more launching onto my leg and hanging on by your claws

Days before breaking resolution: Almost one.

Statement from the cat: “You don’t like affection? What’s wrong with you! The dog seems to like it when I reel back and swat his snout like a prizefighter, laying down one sharp strike after — what’s that? The dog doesn’t like it when I do that? I’ll be dammed. Every day you learn something new, you know? This was a good talk. Thanks.”

Resolution No. 4: No more pooping outside the litter box

Days before breaking resolution: Six!

Statement from the cat: “You think that’s mine? That’s not mine. That doesn’t look anything like mine. Mine are much nicer than that, mine are … better looking. That looks like one of yours, to be honest. What kind of sick game are you playing here, pal? Anyway, you love it when the dog craps in the living room, the way you get all — what’s that? No way!”

Resolution No. 5: No more leaving dead mice at the front door

Days before breaking resolution: Five?

Cat’s statement: “Where else should I leave them? I’ve got nine in front of the side door, eight tucked under the garage door, and parts of something or other I slaughtered under each of the patio chairs. By the way, it’s really starting to smell out there. You should really do something about that. Maybe get a mask or something.”

“Are there any more resolutions? This was a good idea you had. Can we make some more right now?”