The future puts our TV on the couch

TIM GOODMAN, EXAMINER TELEVISION CRITIC

Published 4:00 am, Friday, April 17, 1998

Somewhere in the year 2005 at a university in Northern California. A professor of Artistic Anthropology is discussing with his awed graduate students this major find: Two pilots from the tail end of the 1997-98 television season. From The WB!

Teacher: "To put this in context, think of the times. It was a sad, fruitless year in Hollywood. The networks had tried pretty much everything. Not even that old standby - Tony Danza - could win over the viewers. There were police shows, there were multicultural comedies, there were fantasies and the "Love Boat' was relaunched."

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Teacher: "The networks were beside themselves. They let Tom Arnold have a TV show - again. And that historic crutch of the truly uncreative - the cute kid - was tried and failed. You may know Jonathan Lipnicki as one of this country's most notorious serial killers, but back then he was cute and had starred in an overrated piece of schmaltz called "Jerry Maguire.' They cast the budding demon in a show called "Meego.' No one watched."

Student: "I've got all the tapes. It's creepy as sin."

Teacher: "Viewers were tuning out in droves - some even read books out of desperation. One man lit himself on fire in front of ABC. He left a note: "Stop the madness. Even

"Matlock" was better.' How could he know that the networks had no answers? They had profited from tedium and formula for years. They couldn't just embrace originality overnight. And, as we know now, they didn't have the writers to do it. There was a lull during the middle weeks of Rerun April, then these came out."

He raises up two tapes of "You're the One" and "Kelly Kelly," holding them out like Moses held the Commandments. The students gasp in horror, then lean forward.

Brightest student in the class: "The nadir. The day art died."

Teacher: "Exactly. They were both romantic comedies in the half-hour format, an idea we now know to be what?"

Students: "Really bad!"

Teacher: "Yes. Horrendously bad. Remember, less than a year later they would lock up Paul Reiser for making the genre acceptable. But no one saw the magnitude of these flops coming. Because they thought, tragically, that it couldn't get any worse. Then the bottom fell out. "You're the One' (9:30 p.m. Sunday, Channel 20) starred Cynthia Geary and Elon Gold. Context, please."

Brightest student in the class: "She was from "Northern Exposure,' but not technically a star. He was never heard from again."

Teacher: "The premise was, as you know, tired. He was Jewish, she was a Southern belle. All of his relatives were stereotypes. Her father was so completely over the top that even NASCAR fans protested. History tells us this show redefined moronic. Several television critics killed themselves. Exactly four people in the United States watched it. In week two, only one person, Jonathan Lipnicki, tuned in. The results were unspeakable."

Student: "But people rose up and demanded that laugh tracks be banned - so some good came of it."

Teacher: "It didn't matter. After this show, people laughed at anything. Even UPN shows. With "You're the One' died the concept of two people we'd never heard of getting their own shows. Sadly, Hollywood continued to make shows with known actors that nobody really liked, or thought should get their own shows. This is how "Kelly Kelly' came about."

A student runs screaming from the classroom. Another follows, retching.

Teacher: "To this day, even the name pains and haunts us. "Kelly Kelly.' "Kelly Kelly.' Wailing and hurling commence. The sickness that wells in you is good. It means a show like "Kelly Kelly' (9 p.m. Monday, Channel 20) will never be made again. And how could it? One week after it premiered, enlightened mobs burned much of Hollywood. A slide is shown of a pasty white Examiner TV critic scaling a barbed wire fence at the Warner Bros. lot, torch clenched in slobbering mouth. Can anyone recall this show?"

Student: "It starred Shelley Long and Robert Hays. After numerous rewrites, an ill-advised pilot was made. He was a pot-bellied firefighter with four kids, she was again typecast as the bookish know-it-all, this time a teacher. They meet, fall in love, get married - all in the half-hour pilot. Typical themes of previous-family envy and rebellious children are played out, mawkishly. Its one brilliant aspect was that people thought a full $7 was spent on constructing the set, when in actuality it only cost $4.42."

Teacher: "Well done. And what was the historical importance of this show?"

Student: "It changed everything. No one ever again made fun of people who watched TV for a living. Hollywood, burned to the ground, rebuilt itself and began making honest, original shows. Jonathan Lipnicki was tried and convicted. The world was put to right."

Teacher: "Excellent. Now, does anyone remember a show that was, I believe, called "Seinfeld'?"