Thursday, November 24, 2005

A Snippy Thanksgiving

(I used to do a weekly thing called SNIPPY THE COLUMNIST. SNIPPY -- always capitalized -- was based roughly on a character in the Twilight Zone episode that went "get out of here, Finchley." SNIPPY always referred to himself in the third person, "to ensure the same objectivity toward humans as might a mortician." Other reasons may have been uncovered for this, however. Here's SNIPPY'S Thanksgiving Day blessing)

A SNIPPY THANKSGIVING

Tom "Snippy" Dark

SNIPPY accepted an invitation to THANKSGIVING DINNER on Thursday, where ETHNIC PROTESTANT FOOD was served exclusively.

ETHNIC PROTESTANT FOOD is a haphazard medley of biodegradable substances confiscated from aboriginal Americans in the 17th century and engineered over the centuries into the colorful forms it takes today. There is round red jelly-like stuff that comes from a can, little cubes of spongey material that come from a box, a mashed, sandy white matter which comes dehydrated in plastic bags and is reconstituted with tap water, unfrozen vegetable protuberances, and other such "trimmings."

ALL OF THE PACKAGING CONTAINS small print which says "BHT has been added to preserve freshness." "BHT" stands for "Butylated Hydroxyloltl Toxicolosilene." Small amounts of it cause the body to swell up like a MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE BALLOON.

THE CROWNING GLORY OF THE TABLE, a ceremonial rictus reserved usually for bargain-basement cafeteria stews and ETHNIC PROTESTANT HOLIDAYS, is called "a turkey." It is a fleshy brown rhomboid, about the size of a plump infant, formed of an encrusted meat-like substance. It tastes like vitamin-soaked wet newspaper, although SNIPPY noted no involuntary regurgitative action in swallowing some of it.

THE MEAT-LIKE SUBSTANCE is tightly secured around what could have been an ornitheric skeleton. The only extant depictions of "a turkey" in its alleged living state are found in children's drawings, which are inaccurate. It is claimed that this heated, crusty shape on the table once had feathers and said "gobble gobble gobble."

GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE, in any case, is the sound made by the ETHNIC PROTESTANTS seated at the table on this most groundless of government-surplus holidays. They make reubenish complimentary noises over the stuff while they chew and crunch and gulp and chug the table's contents down as though late for work. In some households, SNIPPY is told, the mistress of the table attempts to hold a conversation to drown out these noises and cover her embarrassment that three days' effort at tearing off boxtops, cutting open cans, adding tapwater to things, and so on, has come only to this churlish din.

NOW THUS ENGORGED, the male ETHNIC PROTESTANTS leap from the table and collapse in front of the TV which dominates the "living room," or digestatorium. The TV presents phosphorescent images of men in gaily-colored padded tights and helmets lumbering around heavily with an oblong "football." SNIPPY surmises that the purpose of this viewing is to compensate for the male ETHNIC PROTESTANTS' inactivity. They must lie dormant while the BHT causes their bodies to swell outward in all directions. They will nap for several hours, corresponding with the length of the "football game."

THE MEANING OF THIS ETHNIC PROTESTANT BHT RITUAL IS OCCULT AND UNFAMILIAR TO SNIPPY. SNIPPY'S digestive system disposed of most biodegradable contents of that meal 2 days ago, yet every pore in his body continues to exude unhappy salts which it has spontaneously composed to neutralize this BHT -- to dispose of it through non-ordinary means. SNIPPY does not feel his freshness has been preserved much this way, unless the ruddy swelling that accompanies allergic reactions can be said to make one's skin look more youthful.

THE HUMAN BODY requires several days to rectify itself of this holiday feast. That is why the holiday is often extended to four full days. This gives SNIPPY, ever seeking optimistic reasons for Man's Existence, speculation that the BHT Ritual is an important inoculation against the CHRISTMAS SEASON -- which THANKSGIVING seems always to incite. Perhaps without massive doses of BHT, the "flu season" which always decorates Christmas activity, might instead result in mass extinctions.