"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. And He did despair, for in His omniscience, He did know that His creations had but three-fifths of the splendor of that which would be IMAO."
-No One of Consequence

At least one commentator speculates, "Halliburton saves money on labor by using slave labor. They save money on slave drivers by just giving whips to angry gorillas." This is in jest, we think, but given the general tenor of discourse when it comes to Halliburton, it is hard to be sure.

Really! You think that might be in jest?

Also, this isn't the big surprise I alluded to before (that's still to come), but I'm breaking up with SarahK after I found this completely non-photoshopped picture:

An even better way to spend your Sunday is to help someone, and one of our soldiers lost both legs and an arm to a landmine. His family doesn't have enough money to stay with him for an extended period, and Blackfive has how you can help.

Here is my last Tobit excerpt for the time being. I hope this has been educational for all you non-Catholics who don't have the book of Tobit.

(SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Some claim posts like this to be blasphemous, and IMAO takes no responsibility if you are turned into a pillar of salt for reading it. Oh, and I'm just kidding, God, but You knew that.)

1 After Tobit had finished plowing his field, he came to rest and said unto the Lord, "Oh, thou art great for creating such a world in but seven days. 2 "Yeah, seven days," God chuckled. 3 "What is so humorous, Lord?" Tobit did query. 4 "In actually took me a whole month just to figure out where to put the sky," God answered, "I chose 'up', BTW."

5 Tobit was confused. "But in the book of Genesis it says..." 6 "Yeah, I know," God interrupted, "You see, Adam was always talking off My ear and asking questions. One day he asked Me, 'How long did it take you to make the world?' and I told him, 'Seven days' just to brush him off." 7 God laughed some more. "That doofus believed Me. Later I let him get a taste of his own medicine by making a creature to chat endlessly into his ear - woman."

8 "So what the Bible says is wrong?" Tobit asked. 9 God paused for a moment. "Not 'wrong'; it's just embellished a bit by a few miscomprehensions that I decided not to correct." 10 "Then did you flood the entire world back in the time of Noah?" Tobit questioned. 11 "Not the 'entire' world; there's not enough water for that." God paused for a moment to think. "Well, I could melt the ice caps and make some geographical shifts to put the entire world under water - nah, that's too impractical."

12 Tobit became more confused. "So, what did you flood?" 13 "Just the area Noah was in," God answered, "See I told Noah, 'Hey, I don't like these people so I'm going to flood the place. You build yourself a boat.' For some reason, Noah thought the apocalypse was coming, starts quoting cubits to me, and gathering up two of each animal. He was so worked up, I didn't have the heart to correct him. 14 Then, when he reaches dry land, he sees a rainbow and asks if that's a symbol of my promise to never flood the entire world again. So, I have the choice to either explain to him the refraction of light and that I never flooded the world in the first place, or to just say, 'Yes.'" 15 God laughed some more. "I'm God! I reserve the right to rend the universe apart anytime I feel like it. In fact..."

16 Suddenly, God was perturbed. "What are you doing there, Tobit?" 17 Tobit continued to write on a scroll. "I'm writing down your words to share them with all." 18 "Whoa! Not so fast!" God cautioned, "I thought it was clear I was talking off the record here. Now why don't you hand over that scroll..." 19 "No!" Tobit shouted as he held the scroll tight, "I'm sharing your word." 20 "You give me that scroll, Tobit!" God shouted. "No, mine!" Tobit answered.

21 "You've made a powerful enemy," God swore, "A powerful enemy. Why, I'll make sure that at least seven out of ten Bibles don't even mention you. God then stormed out. 22 "I wonder how long He can keep a grudge?" Tobit mused to himself as he put away the scroll.

I was in line for more than two hours because they have one tiny room in a mini-mall for the entire city for early voting.

Freak'n civic duty.

At least now I can come straight home Tuesday and liveblog the election results. Yes, that's right, I'm going to do my first ever liveblogging. I'm going to be glued to the T.V., and I can't prepare a post for the next day, so I might as well. Also, this election will have important effects on America, the world, and, most importantly, this blog (what will a Kerry administration mean for In My World™?). Also, as I said before, if Bush is reelected and Mel Martinez is elected to the Senate, I will film and air me doing the happy dance.

Anyway, I may be the last person to link to this, but here's a hilarious video displaying your choice on Tuesday (unless you early voted).

Later, ronin.

BTW, aren't the people taking over Instapundit - especially Ann Althouse - the nicest people? I bet none of them has ever drank a puppy.

In the course of this long campaign, you've been asking yourself one question, "Who will IMAO tell me to vote for?" Well, that time has come, and the person you should vote for is President George W. Bush.

Domestically, he has given me tax cuts.

He may have done lots of spending, but I don't know how that affects me so I don't care.

Most importantly, though, he's killed terrorists.

Even stopping the evil Saddam.

The war on terrorism is very important, so he even teamed up with great allies like Tony Blair.

Together they fought terrorists and ninjas.

Bush's opponent, Senator John Kerry, is scared of terrorists and ninjas.

That's why I enthusiastically endorse Bush and say that Kerry is a goober. We need four more years of tax cuts and dead terrorists.

I have the day off, so I slept in big. I'll get to writing now, but, while you wait, you can check out the Carnival of the Recipes if you like cooking. If you don't like cooking - like me - then you can twidle your thumbs until I post.

If you have trouble hearing any of the dialogue (such as the "fast announcer" at the end of some ads) you can follow along with the closed captioning using the latest version of Microsoft Windows Media Player.

When playing the IMAO radio ads in Windows Media Player, follow these steps to turn on captions:

1. Click on the Play option on the menu at the top of the screen.
2. Click Captions and Subtitles
3. Choose the On if Available option to read the script of the IMAO radio ads.

I know many of you don't like the ad about the draft on my page, but they paid for their space, and, as IMAO readers, it's your duty to support my sponsors and thus be irrationally scared about a draft.

You won't believe the war crimes John Kerry is involved with this time.

Here's a local news station reporting on how my brother's Marine unit has been called out (link for video in lower left corner). Yeah, you have to register (it only takes a second) and my brother isn't in it, but you get to see some real Marine's reacting to being called out to combat for the first time (if I never told anyone, I'm real proud of my brother, Joe foo' the Marine).

I have the audio of President Bush doing a Career Day appearance at the same elementary school Kerry was at, and he schooled those kids good. I'll post the mp3 tomorrow.

There is going to be a total eclipse of the moon tonight. I think that would be a great time to nuke the moon in secret. Then, when people are expecting the eclipse to end, they'll be like, "Dude, where's the moon?"

There are now seven items in the IMAO for the Non-Deaf, all produced by Scott McCollum (I gave him my writing; all the voices, sound effects, etc. are made by him). We're hoping to try and get these on the radio, and really need your feedback. How would you rank them in order of funniness? What did you like? What didn't like?

Here's a story on who the terrorists are supporting, and - surpise surprise - most are happy that they think they've harmed Bush's reelection chances. At least there seems to be more debate among the issue with the terrorists than on Democratic Underground.

This next election is extremely important, so important that rapper P. Diddy has come out with the slogan, "Vote Or Die." That's because, man, if Bush is reelected, we'll all be sent out to Iraq or other crazy places through a draft where we'll be killed. And, if you aren't sent out, we'll make the insurgents so mad from stealing their oil that they'll come here and kill us with their righteous anger, man! So, if you don't vote and stop Bush, YOU WILL DIE!

"As you're forced to work in an underground uranium mine, you'll say, 'Oh, I wish I listened to Frank and kept him from killing P. Diddy!'"

But apparently that's not enough to move some of you. I can see you still sitting there saying, "I don't feel like voting. Voting is for homos." Fine, maybe you don't care enough about your own life to vote, but I think I know of one you do.

Yeah, that's right; if you don't vote, I'll kill P. Diddy!

Bet I have your attention now. Imagine a world without P. Diddy - without him taking previously popular songs and talking over them. Horrible, isn't it? Well, it gets much worse if Bush, Cheney, and the Halliburton stooges remain in office. They'll take our starving children who are failing in schools and send them to die in ambushes in Fallujah. All the while, Bush and Cheney will be eating Kitten/Puppy stew while planning nuclear war on behalf of oil interests.

Nuclear war, man! That's game over for all of us!

So that's why I'm going to kill P. Diddy if you don't vote. Hell, if Bush is reelected and pollutes the world with his polluting stuff and things, it'll be a mercy killing. I even have plans for it; I'll just sabotage one of his guns so next time P. Diddy brandishes it at a nightclub, it will go off and shoot him. Know what you'll have then? P. Diddlysquat, that's what. It will be too late because you didn't vote. Bush's Nazi stormtroopers will already be rounding us up at this time, and, as you're forced to work in an underground uranium mine, you'll say, "Oh, I wish I listened to Frank and kept him from killing P. Diddy!"

So vote or P. Diddy dies. Spread the word.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "The Politics of Punching" and "Buy This Book Or Die."

Andrew Sullivan has a hilarious quote from the State Department. He also has an endorsement of John Kerry, which is just slightly less surprising than the New York Times's endorsement. Somewhat related, Christopher Hitchens comes out for Bush in an article actually published in The Nation (I thought they banned him for using rational thought?).

If you want more election advice from people who can't vote in the U.S. Presidential Race, check out this site. Take note of the blurb up top. Maybe we should remind other nations that we have lots of bombs and are pretty antsy.

Going back to my post this morning about the desperation of the Democrats, look at this debate (or shout down) with Swift Boat vet John O'Neil.

There has been a lot of talk of wouldn't it be ironic if Bush won the popular vote this election but lost in the Electoral College. That is looking like a possibility with him leading in almost all the national polls.

But then I remember that back in 2000, there was tons of talk of the exact same thing - Bush winning the popular vote but losing in the Electoral College. No one mentioned the possibility of what really happened.

Just thought I'd point it out; deja vu to that 2000 mess is bad.

Well, maybe I can help widen the gap with the new ad I helped make for Bush. Should I release the mp3 for it now or tomorrow morning?

So, if I understand things - and I'm easily confused - CBS News and the New York Times were colluding to break a BS story about missing explosives as close to the election as possible (possible informing Kerry with how quickly he jumped on the issue) using information leaked to them by the America-hating U.N.

Do you think it's time for us bloggers to declare jihad?

I'm tired of the blogosphere being used to get useful information out that isn't being reported elsewhere; let's see how good its destructive force is! It's time to use our combined ability to destroy CBS "News" and the New York Times! They are partisan hacks and thus should be razed to the ground!

Because of all the Kerry and Edwards radio ads and allowing a draft-scare ad on my site, you may think I've sold out.

And it's true. I like money.

Still, I've now wrote a Bush ad which was produced by Scott McCollum. I'll put it up either today or tomorrow considering how good you all are.

Speaking of political ads, I heard of the audio to this one on the Glenn Beck show and it seems spooky (horror movie spooky). I won't be able to see it until I get home from work, so tell me what you think and whether it's worth a push to actually get it aired in the battleground states.

So, according to some new documents, Kerry was taking marching orders for his anti-war movement directly from the Viet Cong. Hell, they haven't finished translating all the documents yet; his whole presidency may be a Commie Vietnamese plot of revenge.

Anyone know of any other blog with some good detail or analysis about this, 'cause it ain't a small thing if it's true.

Thanks to the lovely and talented SarahK for pointing me to the article.

Commiegate
The Kerry Commie Surrender Puppet Story
The Story That Is Seared - Seared - Into Our Memories
Kerry the Commie Tool Reminiscent of Jenjis Khan
I Have a Plan... Straight from Ho Chi Minh!
An American Tool in Paris
The French/Commie Connection
The Manchurian Dingus

I'm thinking of just going with "Commie Puppetgate." You really need that "gate" in there to make it sound scandalous.

So on Election Day, I'm supposed to vote for Sherrif (well, I might actually do the early vote thing this weekend so I can go straight to live blogging on the 2nd after work). But, as I found out at the range, most of the Sheriff's on the nightshift are punk kids whom I'm pretty sure no one voted for. So what Sheriff exactly am I voting for? The super-master Sheriff?

I would never use an Ooshi hunting, those guns are a Shinonist plot, but you should all realaish I stand for sportsman's right to yoosh guns. That is the eshact truth, and it's crayshee to say otherwaish. You write that in your papers and your magasheens.

You've probably all seen this video clip of Edwards fussing over his hair for like eight hours. This makes him look like a sissy, but, through my brilliant ad idea produced by Scott McCollum, I've turned it into an asset.

Listen to the ad here... and no one tell Hosting Matters how much bandwidth I'm using.

Remember to be a good reader and check out all my blog ads, both the one in the patron spot and those on the right sidebar.

Also, Netflix is now $17.99 a month for its regular service (yay for subscribers like me and SarahK!). So click on the banner on my sidebar, try them out free for two weeks, and get me nine bucks in the process. Everyone wins.

Speaking of ads, I have a new radio ad produced by Scott McCollum which I'll post soon.

Now, I'm a religious man who prays daily, and I don't think they're offensive. Omnipotence is great fodder for satire, and I think God can enjoy a good ribbing. Some, though, seem to think that's disrespectful to blasphemous.

I have had God in parodies before, and it never seemed to cause trouble (see here, here, and here), so I'm wondering how these are different. Is it because God is mean in these (he was a bit cantankerous in the Old Testament)?

Well, I only have one more Tobit bit which I think is particularly inspired (by whom is debatable), and I'll post it next Sunday. I'll put a warning, though, and you'll have to click "More" to read it so anyone who doesn't want to can skip it. But it will be posted, as a good joke eats at ones soul if it goes unshared. Still, my goal is to post good humor without offending anyone... other than Commies and hippies, and thus I want everyone's opinion for future reference.

Just donated more of my super negative O blood today and got my free cookies. If I forget to donate every time the bloodmobile shows up at work, they always call me up and are like, "Why didn't donate blood? Are you some sicko who gets his kicks from people dying? Is that what you are?"

Sheesh.

NOTE: It's interesting that I feel more effects from drinking a pint of Guinness than from losing a pint of blood.

"Jeeves, why do I have to wear this atrocious color scheme?" Kerry asked his butler.

"It's camouflage, sir," the butler explained, "It's so the geese don't see you."

"Ah. You know, walking around with guns reminds of when I served in Vietnam," Kerry stated, "Did I tell you about I served in Vietnam, Jeeves?"

"I think you may have, sir."

Kerry aimed his shotgun. "I think I see a goose."

"That's a hunter, sir."

Kerry lowered his gun. "What do these gooses look like, Jeeves?"

"The 'gooses' are those birds flying overhead, sir."

Kerry quickly aimed his gun and fired. "None of them fell down dead!" Kerry yelled, enraged. He then shook his fist at them. "Don't you know who I am?!"

"Should I ready the pre-shot goose for you to carry back triumphantly?" Kerry's butler asked.

"I'm tired; why don't you carry it back Jeeves while I hold the shotgun over my shoulder like I saw in some picture."

The butler sighed. "Certainly, sir."

* * * *

Rove emerged from the shadows. "The undecided voters are a problem," he intoned, "They always break against the incumbent, as the ancient foretell."

"Don't worry," Bush answered, "Like Kerry, we have a plan."

"Studies show that undecided voters are morons who are distracted by shiny objects," Condi explained, "So I came up with an idea with the help of Rumsfeld."

"I just wanted to kill the undecided," Rumsfeld grumbled.

"Anyway, we have made the Shiny Object Bomb which will be dropped in battleground states on Election Day," Condi continued, "It will cover the states with so many bright shiny things that the undecideds will be too distracted to vote."

"Ooh! Marbles and smooth rocks!" Bush exclaimed as he picked up some of the objects.

Cheney slapped his hands. "Keep focused!"

"There has been movement in the black vote towards us," Rove proclaimed, "Polls show it has gone from 9 for Bush in 2004 to 18."

"Percentage?" Bush asked.

"Voters," Rove answered, "but any loss of the black vote could destroy the Democrats. Thus they are deploying the Dark Jester, Bill Clinton."

"Yeah, blacks like him for some crazy reason I don't understand," Bush said. He then turned to Secretary of Labor Elaine Chao. "You're black; why the hell do you like Clinton?"

"You're retarded," Chao answered and walked off.

"Crazy black people," Bush muttered. "Hey, I think I read something in the New York Times saying I'm smarter than Kerry. Maybe we can do something with that."

"We could have ad saying, 'Why vote for the only man in America dumber than Bush?'" Condi suggested.

"Good idea!" Bush thought for a moment. "Wait a sec! I think that may be insulting to me in some way!"

"We need to do something, though," Cheney said, "Right now Kerry is out shooting geese for a photo-op... and then Edwards is going to use the black magic of stem cells to revive them!"

"Then we need one last surprise before Election Day!" Bush declared, "The most surprising surprise of all. Something that will destroy and devastate Kerry! But, first, I get to play with the shiny things..."

Now more Bible quotes for the Catholic exclusive Book of Tobit (if you want this book, you'll have to be Catholic too).

* * * *

1 Tobit was walking through town one morning when he encountered the devil. "You will not tempt me to evil!" Tobit declared, "I am a trustworthy servant of the Lord." 2 The devil, surprised, turned around and said, "What?" 3 "I know thou are evil and are here for evil purposes!" Tobit yelled.

4 "I'm buying a mango," the devil answered. 5 "For what foul schemes?" Tobit questioned the evil being. 6 "I like mangos," the devil declared, "Hey, dingus, I'm not working 24/7 to cause the fall of man, okay? Can't a fallen angel get himself a frick'n mango without getting yelled at?"

7 "You can't fool me, man-goat!" Tobit said firmly, "I know thou are here for nefarious purposes!" 8 The devil rolled his sinister eyes. "Fine," he said, "Hey, Tobit, why don't you do evil and kill people?" 9 "Never!" Tobit screamed, "I will never do the bidding of the devil!"

10 "Well, there, you beat me, Tobit," the devil said, waving his hands in the air, "You resisted my evil temptation. Whoopee! You happy?" 11 The devil then walked off with his mango with one final utterance, "Wanker." 12 And thus Tobit continued his service to the Lord, never giving into the temptation of the devil.

It's Sunday, so I'll soon have a new excerpt from the book of Tobit up - this one about his confrontation with Satan! I just need to find my Bible (I know it's somewhere under all these porn magazines...).

Hello peoples of America and for'ners using our internet. Now, I have nothing to do with the Army and tend to avoid them types, but I do have an opinion on women being in combat.

Now, I likes kill'n for'ners, 'specially them ter'rists types, but fight'n them is scary work. They yell and they shoot at ya which doesn't phase a big guy like me. Women, though, are smaller and prettier and could get all scared and everything. Also, when on the battlefield, one has to be ready to fight at a moment's notice, but, from what I know about women, if they are woken up by gunfire, they'll first want to put on their "faces" so as not to be embarrassed when the enemy sees them.

Also, historically, men have always gone fight'n to protect the women-folk. But, if women are in combat, then who are we out fighting to protect? The children? But no one will be there to watch the children, so it will have to be children in combat, too. See, I know how this stuff works; politicians start with changing one little thing and then building on it. After we have children in combat, people will be saying we should have dogs in combat. Next will be goats and orangutans, and it will be a mess.

Maybe some women really want to kill for'ners, and, knowing the pleasure of it, it's hard for me to say no, but war is an important thing and shouldn’t be messed with. That's why I think we should preserve the - what do you call it - the... uh... status quo. Only men should be doing the kill'n - heterosexual men, that is.

There's Buck's opinion. Me, I'm a bit ambivalent. What do you all think?

The Truth Laid Bear is hosting links to celebrity endorsements. I'm lucky enough to have here on my site the endorsement of Jayne Cobb of Firefly fame (Firefly is my all time favorite series that only lasted 14 episodes; do yourself a favor and buy or rent the series before the movie comes out next year).

Now, Jayne may not be the best person to get an endorsement from, but I think he puts the stark choice in simple words:

"I like that Bush fella; he speaks my language. When he sees trouble, he doesn't waste time talking; he just runs in there shooting. That's the way it's done. Also, he's pro-gun like me; I know no one will be coming after Vera when he's in office.

"That Kerry, though, he's a fancy pants... probably someone doc would vote for. He's talking all about taxing and giving things to poor people, but I don't see any percentage in that. And, frankly, I just don't trust him.

Gore is in my state! Game over, man, game over! What am I going to do! I'm at work, and I don't have a weapon!

Come on, we had days notice when hurricanes were coming; how did I not hear about Gore until today? The man is a crazed menace. I heard that, after his last speech, he ripped a man's arms off and beat him to death with them.

I don't feel like I'm always the best blog citizen. I do my writing, but I don't spend enough time reading other blogs as I used to... especially those who I feel I owe in some way.

Misha is one of those I owe big to getting where I am today, and he's always been there to help me when I asked. Still, like so many other blogs, I haven't been following his for some time. But luckily I was alerted about his recent post about trouble I know most of us would hate to deal with. Please help him out; the blogosphere, in the least, should be a community where we support each other.

Some of you may still be upset of how I helped write an anti-Bush ad, but I am still a Bush supporter. To help with Bush's campaign, I'm making available this clip from the second debate that displays how much better a leader he is.

You've probably heard how Teresa Heinz-Kerry insulted Laura Bush, saying she never had a real job, but, that makes me wonder what has Teresa done... other than be crazy? I mean, for real; does she have board meeting of some sort where she says wacky things for an hour?

For years now, the country seems to have been split down the middle, and it's eating away at the soul of the country. Usually, you have one group get a majority which then pushes around the other side and makes fun of how their children look, but the old way seems so distant now. How can we return to the former status quo? As usual, war is the answer.

"Now all Americans will be united and happy, because the liberals will no longer be defined as Americans and will be shot by BBs."

It's been a long time since we've had a civil war, but hopefully we learned plenty from the first one to make this one quick and efficient. It will be quite different, though. For one thing, it won't have a stark geographical divide. Friendly and enemy territory will have to divided on a house to house basis - or maybe even room to room. Also, a big difference is that one side has all the guns since both gun owners and the military tend to be in the right-wing. This should make things easy if planned well.

Using the powers of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy, all enemies can be identified and an attack date set in secret. Then, on one H-hour of D-Day, it will be announced that civil war has been declared just as all of us already have our guns on the enemy who should still have blank, dumbfounded stares. We will then each demand them to surrender or die, and, knowing their mindset, most will quickly capitulate.

Phooey.

Now we have to deal with the POWs. I say we build big fences all around Massachusetts and throw them in there. Some may say this is cruel; they will be thrown in Massachusetts too. We can't have any weaklings in a non-divided America. Also, we'll throw all the felons in there since they are mainly left leaning too. One more idea is that we can add sniper posts along the walls where we can shoot the liberals with BB guns while yelling, "That's what you get for wanting to take my money to spend on social programs!" Then we will put cameras up to film the action for a great reality show.

Finally, we have to divvy up the spoils; most of their stuff I don't want, but the Hollywood left should have some good swag. Maybe I can at least get a nice lamp and some DVDs. Or we can sell it all for a steak dinner to celebrate.

Now all Americans will be united and happy, because the liberals will no longer be defined as Americans and will be shot by BBs. We will all agree on important issues, such as attacking countries we don't particularly like, and all foreigners shall tremble in fear knowing there are no more whiners to slow us down from killing our enemies. We'll be a complete utopia with everyone working together towards the same goals... at least until the next election cycle.

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "The Yankees Shall Rise Again" and "How to Steal Neat Blog Formatting Tricks from Spoons."

Over the weekend, I went to see Team America: World Police with SarahK. It was so profane and offensive that it probably earned me a week in purgatory.

But it was worth it.

Do you want to laugh your pinky-toe off while watching France get blown to smithereens and the Hollywood left get slaughtered? Of course you do. This has to be one of the funniest movies every made... and there are explosions!

In the plot, the force for good, Team America, recruit an actor, Gary, to help them infiltrate and kill terrorists. Then Kim Jong Il of North Korea arises as a threat, using the Film Actors Guild to help him in his evil plot to destroy the world.

Explosions and hilarity ensues.

And songs, lots of hilarious songs (make sure to stay through the credits to hear Kim Jong Il sing "You're So Worthress, Arec Bardwin"). SarahK started laughing so hard at the country song "Freedom Isn't Free," that I thought people were going to start staring at us. The theme, America, F**K YEAH, is so catchy that SarahK, who hates swears, later in the day kept singing "America..." only to catch herself and stop. I'm so getting the soundtrack when it comes out on Election Day (and probably a copy for my brother so he can play the theme when fighting in Iraq).

The movie ends with a profound speech dividng people into three camps, and it is very insightful... but I can't repeat any of it because the whole premise is vulgar.

Anyway, go see Team America, it's worth a buck o' five (unless you are offended by anything, because that will probably be in the movie). I give it four and a half stars out of five.

Was this guy really elected president... during the COLD WAR?! Far as I heard, his only real accomplisment of note was getting Ronald Reagan elected.

That's it. America needs to demand its presidents have some micron of respectability. While we work on ways to honor Reagan's legacy, we should also be working on ways to dishonor Carter. I say we strike him from the record books. His portrait and name should be removed from all lists of presidents, and, if he is ever to be referred to, he shall be called "the failed president who has no name."

Carter should then have a mask of iron placed on him and be locked away in some tower where no one can hear his cries of, "I'm Jimmah Cahtah!"

The American presidency is a profound undertaking, and failure with it should be punished severely.

Actually, I have beaten up Canadians a number of times, forcing each one to denounce his country as a worthless, frozen wasteland only notable because of its proximity to America. To disprove your assertion, I’ll beat any four-year-old Canadian girl you can find (you did say any Canadian) or you.

Anyway, thanks for using America’s internet, but please be more respectful of your superiors in the future. More e-mails like this, and Canada may be excluded from the internet entirely.

Friday, I went to the range with SarahK to teach her how to shoot. Since most of the range time was instructional, any bad shots you see on my targets were just to give SarahK examples of how not to shoot.

At the range were two other people shooting. It looked like a father and his twelve year old son, but it ended up they were sheriffs, the older teaching the younger quick reloads. This involved lots of rapid firing which made SarahK scared. Thus, I patted her on the head and said, "There there."

When I remarked how young one of the sheriffs looked - using a phrase like, "There better not be a crime at a night club, because I don't think he's old enough to go in." - the older sheriff told me that the average age for a sheriff in my area was 23 for the night shift.

Those wacky, law-enforcing kids.

Anyway, on to shooting.

It seemed like a good idea to start out with my Browning .22 target pistol, so I showed SarahK the basics of shooting.

When SarahK tried it, there were some feeding problems where the bullet wasn't getting struck by the firing pin. The sheriff recommended I clean it and grease the rails before trying again (I hadn't fired this particular gun in a while). Sorry, SarahK (she really liked the look of the P99). When the sheriff saw my 16rd magazine, I told him out it was illegally shipped from Turkey before the AWB expired and to just keep that between him and me (no reason to get the law involved).

Onto my 1911s. For those new here, I have my Colt 1991 (old faithful), a Colt Mk IV Series 80 with adjustable sights, and a Springfield stainless steel Mil-Spec.

First I took out my Colt 1991 with Wilson Combat 8rd magazines and showed SarahK how it is done... sorta.

Well, I landed six of the eight bullets on the left target, but only two on the right target even though I'm right-handed. The guy at the range, who apparently had seen people trying that before, wasn't surprised. He said the reason was I was so focused on my off-hand that I neglected the other. Well, I'll need more practice firing two guns standing still before I practice firing them while diving for cover.

I let SarahK put some more holes in the target I put only two bullets through using my 1991 which she thought fired the best out of the tree.

I then took out my peacemaker and loaded it with some surprisingly expensive .45 Colt rounds. I had trouble with the gun before, so I tried to compensate for the sights. I fired at the target I had put six bullets through, but, after four shots, I hit the hanger. D'oh!

Notice the bullets at the top creeping upwards until they hit the metal clip.

I decided to let that gun be for now and took out my Colt Anaconda (.44 Magnum, baby!). The sheriff wondered why I would need a gun like that. I told him it was big and cool so I liked it. Also, what if I ran into a bear or an alligator? He admitted that if you shot an alligator with a 9mm, it would just look at you funny. Anyway, my dad had gotten a great deal on the gun ($350!). The sheriff then related how, when he was twenty, he went to buy a 1911 from a widow. It was an unused one meant for her husband who never shipped out during WWII. She then asked if $50 was too much for it. The sheriff said he replied, "No, that's... not too much," while knowing full well he was going to hell.

Anyhoo, look at my target after putting a dozen .44 rounds in it. Nothing but black.

Best of the Web was one of the first to notice all of the buts Kerry qualifies his statements with, but each candidate does that. What I think is interesting is how the difference between Bush and Kerry can be the order of their statements around a "but."

KERRY'S POSITION
I will never give another country veto power over our security, BUT America needs to factor in the views of other countries before making a military decision.

BUSH'S POSITION
America needs to factor in the views of other countries before making a military decision, BUT I will never give another country veto power over our security.

Here's the challenge for my readers. Find more statements that define the difference between Bush and Kerry by just changing which side of the "but" the clauses are on (e.g. Kerry says, "a BUT b" while Bush "b BUT a").

* If flu is after you, have it chase you into a building. Then, sneak out and lock the door and burn the building down. The flu couldn't have survived that... or could it!

* Flu can make you feel dizzy.

* Spinning around in a chair gives you flu.

* The reason flu hits at a particular time of year is because the flu union allows for excessive vacations. Stupid lazy flu!

* The main carrier of flu is monkeys. Kill monkeys.

* The flu can be deadly to the young or the elderly while only bothersome to the fit and healthy. At the same time, the fit and healthy can easily knock down the young and elderly and take their flu vaccines.

* I'm not getting a flu shot this year out of a combination that I'm physically fit and healthy and also lazy.

* Flu vaccines are made from a small flower that grows only once a year atop the fabled Mount Gilfindorf in England. Only one pure of heart can pluck the flower, but this year someone greedy took hold of it and it wilted. Thus we are short flu vaccines now... or so the legend goes.

* While it seems we should blame Britain for the flu vaccine shortage, it's easier to blame Canada since they are closer. Also, angry phone calls will cost less.

* Have you killed monkeys yet?

* If you don't have vaccine, fight off flu viruses with a bat. Remember, viruses are too small to see, so swing everywhere and smash everything!

* Flu can fly. After it flies, you can say that flu flew. Did you know that as I knew?

* If you put lamb's blood on your doorsill, the flu will pass you over and infect your stupid neighbors. Ha!

* It's a myth that chicken soup helps cure the flu, but, if you hadn't read this, it would have a pleasant placebo effect. Sorry.

* In a fight between Aquaman and the flu, Aquaman would have to lie in bed for days and be even more useless than usual.

* You know those creaking sounds you hear at night? That's the flu coming for you! Run!

* The U.N. is busy trying to open talks with the flu. Soon, they should have some way of making kickbacks as it infects us.

* If you think you have the flu, you can test that out with a store bought flu test. Just vomit on the test wand, and, if the symbol turns purple, you have the flu. If it turns maroon, you're healthy. Or vice-versa.

* People with the flu may shuffle through the streets trying to give their flu to others in their delirium. Use regular zombie handling precautions for this.

* The main thing to know about fighting the flu is to not be such a crybaby. Who cares about the flu? There are people dying in some country right now I've never heard of nor care to know about, so consider yourself lucky.

The ultra-left-wing newspaper The Guardian had a number of British people contact Americans to urge them to vote. They now have posted the responses (CAUTION: contains profanity aimed at limeys). I think the opinion of foreigners in our election should rate somewhere below the opinion of pet ferrets (American pet ferrets).

I keep hearing on the national news I can vote early here in Florida; what's up with that? Voting on election day sounds more exciting, though.

BTW, if Bush wins reelection and Mel Martinez is elected to the Senate, I will film and then post me doing the happy dance. So far, only SarahK has gotten to see my happy dance (done to the tune of The Red Hot Chili Pepper's "Love Rollercoaster") when I beat her at Trivial Pursuit. It will be worth seeing, so everyone work to make sure Republicans win!

The New York Times endorses Kerry for president... explicity, instead of implicity endorsing Kerry or bashing Bush in like every other article in their paper for the past year. Why do wacky liberal papers bother to do these endorsements? Do they think its going to affect anyone's opinon? Or is just so they can finally roll up their endorsement and shove it up their...

"And now we go to our round table," Brit Hume announced, "Mara Liasson of National Public Radio, Fred Barnes of The Weekly Standard, and Mort Kondracke of Roll Call, FOX News contributors all. Let's first talk about the final presidential debate. What do you think will be on the minds of the voters?"

On screen stood Kerry, looking his haughty best. "For no particular reason," he said, "I would like to mention that Dick Cheney's daughter is a lesbian. A LES-BEE-AN! Also, I think Bush's daughters are lesbians too."

"That's only half true!" Bush yelled angrily.

The camera panned to Bush's daughters in the audience. "I'm not a lesbian!" Barbara shouted indignantly.

"Yeah, Barbara isn't a lesbian!" Jenna agreed.

"Now you can see Bush getting angry," Hume pointed out, "Then thinking better of it... and then getting angry again. Let's listen to his response."

"There are a lot of problems in America that need to be dealt with," Bush said, "Such as obesity, as seen with John Edwards’s fat cow wife. And there is the problem of mental illness, such as with Kerry's own wacked-out crazy wife. And we must stop those who may take advantage of the insane by marrying them for their billions."

"Through his Botox paralyzed face, you can start to see Kerry get angry," Hume observed.

"Finally, there is the problem of promiscuity," Bush continued, "as displayed by Kerry's own slut daughter - you know, the one you saw wearing that see-through dress to a film festival. She offered sex acts to me after the last debate, but I refused - though the asking price was surprisingly low."

"Do you know who I am?!" Kerry screamed and charged Bush.

"Of course, we all know how this ended," Hume said as they cut away from the debate clip, "with Bush pinning Kerry to the ground and then forcing Kerry to face the camera and admit that he's a little girl. How do think this will affect people’s opinions?"

"I think Kerry had already lost his credibility," Liasson stated, "and thus people aren't going to believe him when he says he's a little girl."

"Either way, people don't want someone they can't trust or a little girl as president," Kondracke said, "That's why you see Bush adding to his lead in the polls."

"Teresa Heniz-Kerry did respond to what Bush said," Hume commented, "but we can't play the clip as it's just an incoherent mix of words peppered with profanity."

"Beyond this incident, though," Barnes commented, "I think Bush helped himself by showing a great command of the facts in the debate."

"I believe you are referring especially to this instance," Hume said, and a clip started playing.

"Now, I know how Edwards keeps talking about 'two Americas,'" Bush stated, "but I looked it up. On a world map, there are two Americas - North America and South America - but that's not my fault. According to scientist, it's the result of tectonic shifts breaking apart the Pangaea supercontinent... way before my administration. Kerry and Edwards need to stop lying about me!"

"The President really helped himself by breaking apart a lot of Kerry's talking points in that fashion," Kondracke said.

"Of course, there is enough time between the debate and the election to render all of that moot," Hume said, "Let's discuss how the Bush and Kerry campaigns are acting now. The Kerry campaign seems to be trying to hit Bush hard on stem cell research, having Michael J. Fox speak for them and waving the stuffed body of Christopher Reeves on a stick. Is this a good strategy?"

"It will rally their base," Liasson commented, "but I think most are going to find it crass."

"It will completely backfire," Barnes declared.

"And then there was this appearance by Edwards to the press," Hume said as a clip started playing.

"...and that is why Kerry must be elected," Edwards finished saying.

"What's with the black-eye?" asked a reporter.

"I told you yesterday: I got that when I fell down."

"Yeah, but today you have another black-eye today."

"Well... uh..." Edwards then started crying. "Kerry beats me when we drop in the polls!"

"Will the fact that Kerry is abusive to his running mate hurt him in the polls?" Hume asked as the clip ended.

"I doubt it," Kondracke said.

"I'm thinking of hitting Edwards right now," Liasson declared.

"I've hit him before," Barnes commented, "and it felt like the right think to do. I think this helps Kerry."

"Then there is the new Bush advertisement," Hume said.

On screen was the face of Donald Rumsfeld, his face covered in shadows. "I know where you live," Rumsfeld growled before the screen faded to black.

"What's interesting about this ad," Hume stated, "is that the Bush campaign doesn't have to pay for it since it's labeled a public service ad. Is that appropriate?"

"Well, Rumsfeld does know where we all live and probably will hurt us if Bush loses," Barnes said, "so it seems like a public service to make that known."

"And it's effective," Kondracke declared, "I'm now actively helping the Bush campaign out of fear of my own life and of fear of the welfare of my family."

"All I know is I haven't been able to sleep since that ad has been running," Liasson commented.

"This campaign certainly will be one for the history books," Hume said and then turned to the camera. "We have to take a break, but stay with FOX News for more fair and balanced coverage... despite what left-wing homos might tell you."

Over the weekend I went shooting with SarahK. The only other people at the range looked to be a father and his twelve year old son, but it ended up they were both sheriffs, the older teaching the younger quick reloads.

Well, I have pictures and will give you a whole range report later, but why trust pictures when you can see an artist's rendition?

Tomorrow, I'm back to blogging in full force again. I'll have an In My World™, comic, range report for both me and SarahK, and a review of Team America: World Police (not all necessarily tomorrow). See you soon, sportsfans.

BTW, due to all the angry e-mails, Right Wing Duck will be banned from ever guest blogging again and also banned from even making comments on this blog.

Just kidding; great thanks to the Duck. Everyone go visit his website.

I'm no celebrity, but I'm thinking about going out dressed like Osama bin Laden. My desert robes will be open to reveal two things: a belt made from red-painted PVC pipe and wire, and a Kerry/Edwards campaign T-shirt.
Now I'll just have to draw up some "Jihadistanis for Kerry" literature to hand out...

Posted by Guncrazy at October 15, 2004 12:09 AM

**Most Inspirational..

Ann Coulter in Trinity-like black leather catsuit.

Posted by kyber at October 15, 2004 05:52 AM

**Costume Requiring the Most Work…

Theresa could comb her hair, wash her face, put on some makeup, and go as a possessed Linda Blair.

Posted by greg zywicki at October 15, 2004 10:05 AM

**Most Creative..

Ann Coulter in Trinity-like black leather catsuit.

Posted by kyber at October 15, 2004 05:52 AM

**Most likely to deliver a baby in the Hallway Award.

For Halloween I put a life size scarecrow in the hall outside my office last night. This morning it scared the crap out of everyone. Now two weeks of getting used to seeing it there and then on Friday before Halloween I trade places with the scarecrow and grab their arms as they walk by. I did it two years ago in El Paso and one guy actually shit in his pants and his kids cried. Too funny. We will set up a camera to catch the action. One question one of the girls here is 7.5 months pregnant, the baby will be okay if its born here in the hall right?

If you want to know more about a man from his handshake, go read Metallica Rat. He's got a great bit posted.

Oh, if you want a good rant.. GOC really lays into people from time to time. Awesome stuff.

Some sad news too, kinda. Serenity of Serenity's Journal has announced that she won't be doing political stuff after the election. Too bad. Nobody puts a head on a plattter the way she does. Good news is that she has other stuff as well.

Want weird? Hattie just posted about dreams she's been having about FrankJ and SarahK.

Here's the final part of ask Teresa. I think that answers most of your questions. See, this has been very educational for all of us. And soap sales have increased 12% since starting this topic. Thanks for all of your contributions.

Dear Teresa - Part III

**
Dear Teresa,

If your husband uses Botox on his face, where did you get injected with Botox?
Posted by 007 at October 15, 2004 02:02 PM

Dear 007,

Where did I get injected with Botox?

Beverly Hills.

THK

**

Dear TAH-RAY-ZAH,
How many licks does it take to get to the center of an orange Kerry creamsicle?
Posted by johnny at October 15, 2004 02:04 PM

What is it with you conservatives? Good or Bad? Black or White? Fighting for the us or against?

I believe in nuance.

Frankly, I’m offended by your question.

Witch indeed.

THK

**
Dear Teresa,

I am an eight year old living in Florida. My parents have done what you said and no longer clothe me. I was just wondering when it will be safe again for me to wear shorts. Frankly, I'm tired of kids at school laughing and pointing at me, and I kinda' miss my Spiderman Under-roos. Thanks.

Posted by Chad at October 15, 2004 01:21 PMDear Teresa,

Dear Chad,

Poor Dear! No underwear. Nothing to keep you protected from the warm roasting sun?

Come here and rest. Soak yourself in this bathtub full of gin. Relax darling. You deserve it.

THK

**
How much play time should children have each day?
Posted by lyana at October 15, 2004 02:18 PM

Hello Ivana,

I find that 30 minutes a day is just about right. Any more than that and the meat just comes out too tough.

Also, try marinating them in Gin for 1 week.

That always helps with flavor.

THK

**
Dear Theresa,

As a poor grad student, I do not have the financial resources to afford both gin AND white raisins. Is there any way that you could give me yours?
Posted by Rob at October 15, 2004 01:34 PM

Dear Rob,

So what? You don’t have resources. Get your priories straight. So you may have to go naked for a while.

Gin and raisins are worth it.

P.S. Look around. I think you might find a pair of Spiderman Underoos somewhere around here.

THK

**

Dear Teresa,

What should I use to get the foie gras (made from rightwing duck livers, of course) stains out of my Belgian table linens?
Posted by jonag at October 15, 2004 02:20 PM

Dear Jonag,

That is the most repulsive thing I’ve ever heard. Really? Belgian Table linens.

I need a good drink. Ooh. Raisins.

THK

**
Dear Dr. Teereeza,

I am concerned about my face. It has kept growing since I was a little boy. Some people make fun of me calling me canoe face, lurch and herman munster. This is hurting my self esteem and a lot of people in the right wing media are making fun of me. Do all billionaire widows find men with a shovel chin attractive? Does it interfear with you ability to flip flop? Please help JFK
Posted by jeff at October 15, 2004 02:25 PM

Dear Jeff,

Don’t’ think of your face as long. Think of it as a saddle. Personally, I feel it interferes with the ability to flip flop – but who wants to climb off anyway?

P.S. Call me (wink)

P.P.S. Is your face your only horse-like characteristic?

THK
**

Dear Teresa,
I have a long haired terrier mix. After I give him a bath I have to use a soft steel brush to get the tangles out. Would you like to borrow my brush?
Posted by truth peddler at October 15, 2004 03:45 PM

Dear Truth Peddler,

Thank you. Aren’t you a sweetheart. You know, I believe that John does indeed need a new toothbrush.

Thank you.

THK

**

Okay guys. That's it for now. I noticed that nobody is chiming in with 'First' anymore. Darn, I could have used that again.

Sincerely,

RightWingDuck.

Remember to drop by my site each day. I post a comedy monologue each day that's sometimes even funny!!

Here are the first batch of answers from THK!! Forgive me if I took the questions in the wrong order.

Ask Teresa Part II

Dear Teresa:

I was wondering, is there something special you like to wear when "intimate" with John? Say a special teddy, or maybe a barbed wire thong?

Billy D

Posted by Billy D at October 15, 2004 12:47 PM

You know making love is that special time of year.

Yes, we do have a lot of special things we do. I pretend that I’m a voter and John wants to get into my ‘Electoral-is’. We play strip search and then rub each other with special Love Oil, that smells wonderful but leaves a slightly orange tint to the skin..

Afterwards (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAArgh – RWD’s finger fell off and he had to rip out his eyes and ears)

[Scene deleted for the sake of humanity.]

***
Dear Teresa,

Is it true that, on a daily basis you get naked and rub ketchup all over yourself to "keep them from shooting the lasers into your head?"

sted by Muledriver at October 15, 2004 01:13 PM

That’s not Ketchup – that’s Love Oil. See the question above.

[AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH]

As far as lasers are concerned, I have no fear of them. It seems that everywhere I go, I see a little red dot aimed at me – I guess it’s how you say “I love you” here in America.

THK

****
Dear TAH-RAY-ZAH,

I am tired of working for a living, and would like to marry a rich widow. How did John get you to marry him? Can you give me any pointers that will help me land an heiress?

Posted by SeeBS at October 15, 2004 01:06 PM

Oh, good for you.

Too many men out there like their women young. I mean really, you marry them young and they’ve already split their fortunes 3 or 4 times. Silly.

If you marry them older, there’s more money in the till.

How do you win a woman’s heart? Gifts? Who are you kidding – you people are poor. You probably spend your time eating macaroni and cheese and fiddling with your TV sets.

John won my heart with romance. He took me to see Vietnam. We strolled through the old Rice Paddies. He showed me his pictures in the North Vietnamese Hall of Fame. How many war heroes do you know received awards from BOTH sides?

THK

***
Dear Teresa,

When will John Kerry dye himself another bright, odd color? It got my attention. Really, I was impressed. The orange was a nice touch.
Love,

DeoDuce
Posted by DeoDuce at October 15, 2004 12:29 PM

Dear DeoDuce,

Thank you. We loved the Orange color too. Plus it tastes just like ketchup!

THK

***

Dear Teresa,

I'm having trouble getting my Always Save brand macaroni and cheese to taste right. On the box, it shows a picture of this creamy, smooth bowl of mac and cheese, and mine always turns out lumpy, with unmelted cheese powder stuck inside the pasta. What am I doing wrong?

P.S. Do you know how to use a wire coat hanger to help my rabbit ears get better TV reception? Watching the debates, your husband appeared to be the same color as my mac and cheese.

Posted by Colonel Klink at October 15, 2004 12:35 PM

Dear Colonel Klink.

I will give your question to my Chef at my new restaurant: Stalag 13. No question ever escapes Stalag 13.

As far as rabbit ears, have you tried wearing a blue bunny costume? I found that when John did that – he got a happy reception every place we visited.

THK

***
Dear Teresa,

At what point will DNC operatives tie you up, gag you, and lock you in a room to keep you from giving any more stupid statements? I hope it'll be soon because my blood pressure raises everytime you open your mouth.

Posted by Tex at October 15, 2004 01:09 PM

Dear Tex,

Gagging, Tying up? I love celebrity fundraisers! We’ll be out in Texas next week.

As far as your blood pressure – make sure you drink Gin. It’s good for you.

THK

***
Dear Teresa,

Are you really as hideous as the photos show? Or did you "ugly-down" for the campaign with the mistaken idea that it would make you look more like us common folk?

Posted by FormerHostage at October 15, 2004 01:13 PM

Dear FormerHostage,

Are you coming onto me? (adjusts clothes, unbuttons top button) Would you like to see if I’m real? (winks suggestively)

Former hostage, Would you like to be 'recaptured'

THK
**

Dear Tereeeeezzzzaaaaa,

I am really impressed by all the languages you can speak. I was told that you also speak Vulcan, Klingon and a dash of Dolphin. Is this true?
Posted by Cabel at October 15, 2004 01:27 PM

Hello Cabel.

Yes, this is very true. Although my Dolphin is rusty, I speak it with a Swordfish accent. As far as Klingon – Edwards speaks Kling on. That’s all he does – cling on, cling on, cling on.

THK

**
Dear Teresa:

The Democrats seem to have lost their moral compass. Could you ask the servants to look under the sofa cushions to see if it fell out of my pocket or something?

If you get nothing else from visiting this site (BTW we hope the rash clears up - should be nothing) we hope you get a thorough understanding of Ohio and why so many presidential candidates are hanging out there.

it's time for a RightWingDuck Educational Primer.

People aren't sure what to call people from Ohio. Some use Ohioans. Others say Ohohos. Still others use, Ohana hanas. Whatever. As long as the first sounds are Oh.

The word 'Ohio' comes from an ancient Indian word meaning, "Damn, but these people are white."

When the early settlers came to Ohio, they had nothing but a loaf a bread and a couple cans of peanut butter.

They are very stingy in Ohio.

They are almost out of Peanut Butter.

Al Gore could have won Ohio last election - but he screwed up the old joke. He told them, "I'm just like Ohio, I'm round in the middle and high on both ends. "

This did not sit well with Ohiohos.

No President has ever won the election without Ohio. the other 252 Electoral votes are pretty important too. (Authors note: I don't know how many electoral votes Ohio has - I don't feel like looking it up. but 252 sounded funny and that's all that matters)

The Ohio Buckeye has been the source of confusion and more than a little embarrassment. Nobody is really sure what it is.

This has prompted weird remarks such as, "Buckeyes roasting on an open fire." and "Ohh. Bad shot. He got it right in the Buckeye."

Rumor has it that it's some kind of nut. Other's think it's some sort of cat.

Presidents have sucked up to Ohio quite a bit lately. The residents are starting to milk it for all its worth.

Last week, Ohoonas, challenged Kerry to a horse milking contest. Nobody has the heart to tell him that it wasn't MILK he was drinking there mister!!!

They made George Bush scrub down the local car wash. Poor man didn't know when to stop. He made $5.00 in tips.

Kerry had an advantage at first because Ohoola-hoolas love Ketchup.

Unfortunately, he blew that advantage when he asked, "What the frig is meatloaf."

The following week, Meatloaf endorsed Bush and performed at the White House.

There are many other interesting things about Ohio. To learn more - surf the comments section of this post and see what others can share.

Or - visit your local library.

This has been a RightWingDuck Educational Primer. I hope you learned something.

It's coming and of course that means that people will have to figure out what they want to be this year.

I was thinking....

What halloween costumes would you choose for your favorite celebrity?

Michael Moore. He could lose weight, put on a red cap and go as Mt. Saint Helens.

Sean Penn: Team America Puppet

Al Gore: Rosie O' Donnell costume.

Yep, it's time to have a Pick A Celebrity and Costume Contest.

Winners decided by me, RightWingDuck. Host of www.rightwingduck.com. A site you should visit every day and mention to everybody you know.

Linkage available to winners along with an Ask RWD question. I've never tried that before - if you ask a difficult question I'll just edit it and make it easy. Or I'll do like in the debates and answer a completely different question.

Holy crap! John Kerry said a self-effacing joke, and it was actually funny!

And, not only does he have plans now, he has i-deers! The man is unstopable!

Seriously, though, didn't expect Bush to do the worst in the foreign policy debate and the best in the domestic policy. I hope people were watching this one, because, more so than any other debate, he was the president.

And I'm one of those prayers, Mr. President.

Question of the Night

What do you think of Bush's almost mention of not trusting the major network news coverage (especially with a moderator from CBS)?

OTHER NOTE: He finally brought up the first Gulf War! Why didn't he hammer Kerry more on that vote before?

Also, I think Bob (don't feel like looking up how to spell his last name but still will spend this much time writing an aside) showed his partisanship more than any other moderator. Worst questions of the debate (best were the townhall, and Jim Lehrer's were decent too).

You only have until Saturday to vote in the Washington Post best blogs contest, so remember to go vote for me for class clown and INDC Journal for best inside the beltway blog. There is only one vote per registration (you can vote multiple times, but only your last vote will count), so make sure to register yourself.

A new mass grave has been found in Iraq, this one with toddler's clutching toys. Now, look at this quote pointed out by Charles Johnson:

Mr Kehoe said that work to uncover graves around Iraq, where about 300,000 people are thought to have been killed during Saddam Hussein’s regime, was slow as experienced European investigators were not taking part.

The Europeans, he said, were staying away as the evidence might be used eventually to put Saddam Hussein to death.

Anyone who could see what Saddam has done and doesn't fantasize about him being beaten to death with a hammer is inhuman. It seems to me like whole parts of the "civilized world" has just lost it.

As for Saddam's execution, anyone have any idea how it might be done? It better not be lethal injection; though nothing can equal Saddam's crimes, the execution should have some brutality to it. I'd settle for firing squad, but I'd rather it be the old-fashioned hang by the neck until dead. There would be something poetic about a man who brutally ruled an entire nation, building himself countless palaces, finally reduced to a limp body hanging from a rope, his only movements dictated by the wind.

Well, morbid and poetic. Hey, I'm mad; you want to make something of it!

Little Timmy, a Junior from XHS, writes:Frank, I've been a fan for quite a while, and thus I expect you to repay my readership with much-needed advice. This Saturday (15 Oct 2004) John Kerry (that guy who thinks he's better then our great leader GWB) is going to be holding a town hall style convention at Xenia High School...that's MY school! Most of the students here are Republican and hate this wiener Kerry (I hear he may have served in some war) and want him to leave us be, but we don't know what to do. How can a bunch of high school kids get rid of such a wanker without being shot by the Secret Service? Please help! And go Bucs!

First off, you owe me for writing free stuff for you, not the other way around.

Second, why did people name a high school after a warrior princess?

Thirdly, onto your question...

Don't try to keep Kerry from speaking like freedom hating "liberals," instead, use his appearance against him. Maybe get some ribbons from a military surplus store and throw them around while he speaks. Hold up signs with such things on them as "Remember to Tell Us that One About Christmas in Cambodia." Or, if there are question, ask if his statement of principle could come with an expiration date to help inform voters. Or, claim that you were a Vietnam P.O.W. who was tortured using Kerry's statements and it was seared - seared - in your memory (have him prove you weren't in Vietnam). If any of this makes him angry, ask if you can have a summit to settle your differences.

I was looking at the Democratic Underground message boards (I can't help it; they're wacky), and found the inevitable discussion about leaving America if Bush wins reelection.

That got me thinking about a worthy charity; liberals are always threatening to leave the country, but they pretty much never follow through. I say we all raise money to buy one way tickets to France for all the whiners and hire scary looking people to make sure they make their planes. Maybe they’d wise up after having to actually reside in those other countries they admire so, or, in the least, they’d be gone!

I think it's quite telling how one of the DUs notes how they don't see discussion on conservative bboards of leaving if Kerry becomes president. That's because we think all other countries suck (apologies to foreign readers... and pity). Where would we flee to that has even a tenth of the grandeur of America? Even with Kerry as president and Democrats controlling both Houses of Congress, they couldn't ruin America if they tried. Americans kick ass, and they will for all my lifetime. If the fire that is the American spirit starts to fade, there is no retreat. This land is the battleground from freedom in the world, and, while there is a drop of the blood in my body, I will reside in the front lines of the fight for civilization as we know it.

I'm really getting hyped to see the movie Team America: World Police which comes out this weekend where Hans Blix is killed James Bond style in a shark tank, Michael Moore is blown up, there's a song comparing one's love to how much the magnitude that the movie Pearl Harbor sucked, and the main bad guys are puppets of Kim Jong Il and Alec Baldwin.

And yet, some of Hollywood embrace and even seek out the "South Park" guys. Alec Baldwin, who leads the F.A.G. (Film Actor's Guild) in the movie and allies with the North Korean dictator, found out he was being depicted in the film. The actor begged to be his own voice in the film.

"Yeah, he did call," Stone confirms. "He called really early on."

But they didn't let him do his own voice, Parker explains. "No, we found a guy who did it better."

There are so many news stories out there, but I don't have time to comment on them all. I would like to congratulate Australian prime minister John Howard, though, on his big reelection. The Australians have been some of America's best allies, and, if through some horrible circumstance I weren’t able to be an American, being Australian would be my next pick.

I even wrote a half-assed song about it. Let's sing it together.

IF I WERE AN AUSSIE

If I were an Aussie, in the Outback I would play,
And to each person I met I'd say, "G'day."
I'd play a mean didgeridoo
And box a kangaroo.
Oh, how much I would do
If I were an Aussie.

Oh, if I were an Aussie, I'd always smile,
Most of all when I'd wrestle a crocodile.
I'd throw a boomerang with glee
And shoot a koala in a tree.
Such great things I'd see
If I were an Aussie.

In Australia, from the dingoes I would run,
And I'd play some rugby for fun
Plus if anything would strike me
I'd exclaim, "Crikey!"
Instead of saying, "Bite me!"
If I were an Aussie.

If I were an Aussie, they'd call me Outback Frank,
And I'd kung fu fight pirates who'd try to make me walk the plank.
Then I'd hunt half bird/half horses that had stripes.
Okay, you got me; I'm out of Australian stereotypes.
But you'd quit your gripes
If I were an Aussie.

I remember seeing a comedian on Conan O'Brien's show pre 9/11 who had a laugh line, "Know what's annoying? Terrorism." I guess Kerry wouldn't have gotten the joke and thought it was an insightful observation.

I was part of a symposium at Right Wing News along with Ace from Ace of Spades, Bill from INDC Journal, Michele from A Small Victory, and, of course, John Hawkins. A symposium is a lot like a summit like John Kerry has been recommending... and it worked! There is now peace in Iraq!

I remember getting my first paycheck from the supermarket I worked at during high school. I shouted to the guy who gave me my paycheck, "Hey, goober, I earned more than this!" He then showed me my pay stub with all the tax deductions.

"What! They took all my money!" I screamed, "Someone must pay!"

"Looks like you already did," the guy replied, "Muh ha ha ha!"

Thus I left the supermarket in full rage and a bit wiser. Ever since then, the gub'ment has robbed me left and right, and I don't even know where that money goes. They take this huge chunk supposedly for Social Security - money I could be investing now in lucrative mutual funds or buy an X-Box with - and Lord knows I'll never see it again. They pretend it's for my benefit, but it's pure and simple theft. Thus with each paycheck, my anger grows.

Now, Kerry is promising all these benefits to people not smart enough to get high-paying engineering jobs like me, and he says he'll pay for it by taxing all these wealthy people I don't know.

LIES!

You just know he's going to raise taxes on everyone - especially me; you can see it in his evil, Botox-twisted expression of contempt for the common man and humorous blogger. And if my taxes get raised any more, I'm going to get so mad I’m going to punch someone! That's right; raising taxes will increase violent assault - but that's not all!

Higher taxes destroys jobs just like a baseball bat destroys a stool pigeon's head. Without jobs, we'll all be roaming the countryside scrounging for food and supplies. Also, with the high gasoline taxes, we'll fight for fuel just like in Mad Max. And, as soon as weakness shows, you know the monkey will try and overthrow us. They've already done so for half of France.

This does not have to be, though. First, let's not elect John Kerry and instead chase him away with pitchforks and torches. Then, let's lower taxes more!

No, more!

Still more!

Actually, let's get rid of them entirely. If the government needs money for cruise missiles to kill foreigners, I'll happily write them a check. I just want to make sure it doesn't go to poor people or children - whom I hate!

In the least, keep taxes low or I'm going to get in a punching mood... and you may be nearby when it happens!

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "Clowns: The Eternal Menace" and "Kung Fu Fight Your Way to the Top: A Business Guide for Ninjas."

First the judges confiscated your crosses, holy water and garlic under "separation of Church and State". Now you are going to need another method to keep liberals at bay. Apparently driving a stake through someone's heart is illegal in America, so you'll need the next best thing: Frank's "Know Thy Enemy: Liberals" t-shirt. Its 100% preshrunk cotton, 100% American and 100% kick-ass.

It won with 79 votes out of 316 (I need to work on voter turnout), a healthy 25 plurality.

Congratulations to Rob for winning. He gets free t-shirt; rest of you buy now!

Thanks also to everyone who entered and especially the finalists BerkeleyChick, Cyberiad, David, Brian, and Mysterio.

So I went to National Review Online to see the new articles for today, but there aren't any because they claim it's a holiday. So I check my Daily Dilbert calendar, and it says it's Columbus Day (and Thanksgiving in Canada - WTF?!). Man, I don't get the day off.

Anyhoo, Christopher Columbus was the original screw up. He tried to sail to India by heading west only to be stopped by A WHOLE FREAK'N CONTINENT. He was so PO'd that he then went to killing and enslaving the natives - which was good because they had already mastered the bow and the arrow and it was just a matter of time until they had the ability to sail over to Europe and slaughter everyone. Preemptive strike, yo.

Later the place was named after some random mapmaker because it sounded cool, and now we have the kick ass country we call America. So, today we should all give thanks to India for having such great spices as to send Italians sailing off in random directions using Spanish funding.

The nuts at Democratic Underground have their panties in a bunch over the move Team America: World Police, so it's looking like it might be quite enjoyable. Any reviews out for it yet (there was a sneak preview I think this last weekend)?

"See how Cheney is beating Edwards in his debate," Condi asked as they watched the VP debate on T.V.

"It reminds me of the movie Hannibal," Bush mused, "That part where Hannibal Lector cut out pieces of a guy's brain, cooked them, and fed it to the guy... except that guy was more coherent than Edwards." Bush looked to Cheney. "I’m not trying to imply you’re a serial killer or British."

"Here's where Edwards ran away crying in the end," Cheney said with glee, "That's what you want. Now, you need to practice against your debate partner."

Bush got up and stood behind a podium. At the other podium sat a parrot.

"Kerry, you get the opening statement," Cheney, playing the part of the moderator, said.

"Awk! I have a plan! I have a plan! I have a plan! Awk! Polly served in Vietnam!"

"President Bush, your response."

"You shut up!" Bush yelled as he ran over and hit the bird with a bat.

After the feathers cleared, Cheney growled, "Those birds are expensive! I'm not getting you another debate partner."

"I'm ready for the debate," Bush said and started walking away, "Let's just get to it."

Condi stopped him. "No bat."

* * * *

The crowd applauded as Bush and Kerry walked into the room. Kerry smiled with what looked liked it took great physical exertion (or carefully placed injections). Bush eyed the crowed suspiciously. Both sat at their stools.

"Let's start this debate," the moderator Charlie Gibson said, "Being this a town hall style debate, all the questions come from the idiot undecideds around us. Our first question is for Kerry from Jim."

"How do you respond to charges that you are wishy-washy?" the audience member asked.

Kerry let out a haughty laugh. "Ridiculous. I assume you're talking about the Patriot Act and No Child Left Behind, but to say I changed my position is a distortion of the facts. What I want you to know is President Bush has lost 1.6 million jobs or something like that and..."

"Actually, I was talking about Iraq," the audience member interrupted.

"Shut up!" Kerry said, "You don't get to talk anymore!"

"Kerry is a flip-waffler!" Bush said, pointing an accusing finger, "He voted for the war, but, when he got scared of Dean and his yelling, he voted against the funding! I'm not scared of Dean, though; I punched him in the face once. I also beat up Hagel, but that's unrelated. Just know that I'll stand up to terrorists."

"Next question is for Bush from Carl," Gibson said.

"Do you think that Saddam simply having knowledge for WMD's was a good enough reason to invade Iraq?"

"I don't need reasons for invading places, I'm the President of the United States!" Bush declared, "If I think I sees terrorists, then I kills them." Bush then pulled out a .45 and shot an audience member. "That guy looked liked a terrorists and now he's dead. That's decisive leadership. You won't get that from Frenchie; he'll flip-waffle to keep popular with other nations until we're overrun with people like that guy I just shot."

"Bush wants you to think I change positions," Kerry responded, "but I want to tell all of you unequivocally that my position on Iraq has always been consistent."

"Hey, I can tell jokes, too!" Bush stated, "So a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar..."

"We're moving on, President Bush," Gibson interrupted.

"No, I need to tell this one..."

"Some other time," Gibson answered, "now..."

"I'm the President of the United States and I get to talk when I want to!" Bush yelled in full rage as he ran over and punched Charlie Gibson.

"Okay! Say what you want!" Gibson pleaded, "Just don't hit me again!"

Bush walked back to his stool. "Now... Oh, man! I forgot what I was going to say!"

"Then the next question is for Kerry from Jennifer."

"What exactly is your plan for Iraq, Senator Kerry?"

"It is a great plan, that's what it is!" Kerry declared, "It's a plan where good things happen... a plan of plans. I want the American people to know I have a plan. I have a plan to clean up the mess in Iraq! I have a plan to educate our children! I have a plan that will both make your teeth whiter and remove stubborn stains from the carpet. I have a plan for..."

"Man, I wish I had plans," Bush sighed. "Wait! I do have plans! Kerry is just stealing all my good ideas and saying they’re his plans. He's an evil flip-waffler who would have left mean-man Saddam in power, and I'd run over and punch Kerry now if weren’t for part of the debate agreement being that I wear a collar that shocks me if I cross the line between us on the stage."

"Bah! Sanctions and inspections would have worked if Bush were only infinitely patient like me. Why, if we had just gone with sanctions, Saddam would probably have been dead or in prison by now."

"How the hell would that work?" Bush shouted, "He would just have keeled over from the U.N. yapping at him? Or would he have tortured and killed everyone in his country only leaving himself left to torture? You're a crazy stupid man, Kerry, and I'm going to find some way to hurt you even with this shock collar on."

"Bah!"

"The next question is for Bush from Lauren."

"How will you repair relations with other countries after you have made yourself so unpopular in the world?"

"Now, I've done a number of things that are unpopular," Bush answered, "I pulled out of that stupid Kyoto treaty - what's Kyoto anyway? And who are other countries to say how many Kyotos we can have? Also, it was unpopular when I wouldn't join the international court. And it was unpopular when I kidnapped everyone who planned the international court, tried them in our courts, and executed them by catapulting them out to sea. Also, it was unpopular when, after hearing about the oil for food program, I bombed the U.N. headquarters - but it was a short flight since it's in New York. Also, when I gave Jacques Chirac a wedgie and then pounded his head against a wall... actually, that was popular. Everyone hates the French... except for one guy that is..."

"I will repair relations with France," Kerry declared, "I will make all countries like us because I have..." Kerry paused for dramatic effect. "A PLAN! I will crawl on my knees and kiss the feet of all other leaders until America is again respected in the world. I am already popular with foreign leaders, too. Why, I met with a number of them, and hardly any of them kicked me in the groin. Also, some foreign leaders who want to go unnamed say I do not entirely disgust them. And I will keep respect in the world by not doing such things as getting my head stuck in a soda machine."

"I was curious how it worked!" Bush yelled and began to charge Kerry until he remembered the shock collar.

"Let's move on to domestic issues," Gibson stated, "The next question is for Kerry from Bob."

"You've mentioned a lot of spending programs, Senator Kerry; how do you plan to pay for them all?"

"I have a plan for that!" Kerry declared, "I will only tax the wealthiest one or two percent... maybe three percent. And that will pay for all my plans plus a free steak dinner for everyone. Bush wants to give everything to the rich, but I will take everything from them... but just those earning more than $200,000. And, as I can tell by looking at you commoners with your off the rack clothing, none of you will be affected."

"Lies!" Bush yelled, "He'll tax you all! He has two trillion in spending plans, and he can't pay for it by taxing just those making over $200,000. A lot of those people are small businessman, too! He's going to tax all of you and destroy jobs, that stupid Frenchie!"

"You're using fuzzy math for that two trillion dollar number," Kerry responded.

"So how much will your programs cost?" Gibson asked.

"Uh..." Kerry mumbled, "Three trillion... But this idea that small business men are going to be taxed is also a deception! Why, bush got $84 dollars from a timber company which makes him a small businessman by his definition."

Bush turned around to see the logo on the back of his jacket that said, "Crazy Dubya's Discount Lumber." "Hey, you're right," Bush exclaimed, "Man, I fall off the wagon for one day and I end up with a timber company."

"Now a question for Bush from Cathy."

"Why won't you let in drugs from Canada?"

"Because who knows what those crazy Canucks are up to," Bush answered, "Them drugs could turn you purple... and they got terrorists running around there like crazy."

"I will let drugs in from Canada and everywhere else," Kerry announced, "and they'll be free, because I have a plan! Plans for free drugs! And all by taxing rich people you don't know or care about."

"The next question is for Kerry from Steve."

"Will you look into the camera and say in clear, unequivocal language that you will not raise taxes on those earning under $200,000?"

Kerry faced the camera. "I will never raise..." He started cracking up. "Let me try again." Kerry faced the camera again. "I will not..." He then started laughing again. "Calm down, Kerry, you can do this," Kerry told himself and then looked to the camera. "I..." He then fell off his stool laughing. "Okay I can't do it."

"Don't label me!" Kerry whined, "Bush is just trying to scare you with labels. Oh, and, by the way, Bush want your children to starve, to take away your healthcare, and for you all to die in foreign lands!"

"Liberal! Liberal! Liberal!" Bush responded.

"And now a question for Bush from Jill."

"Would you say you have a good environmental record?"

"No, I hate the environment."

Kerry was silent for a second. "I don't think I have anything to add to that... Oh, yeah: I have a plan!"

"Another question for Kerry, this time from Debbie."

"Since people have been cured by adult stem cells but no one has been cured by embryonic stem cells, is it moral to destroy embryos to try and find cures?"

"Let me tell you, missy, I have met people with Parkinson's disease and they were shaking... SHAKING! And thus I have come to one conclusion... EMBRYOS MUST BE DESTROYED!!! We shall live by feasting on the dead!"

"I respect life more than my evil opponent," Bush said, "That why I allowed funding for only a few stem cell lines."

"Now he's flip-flopping!" Kerry pointed out with a haughty laugh.

"You take that back!" Bush yelled as he charged Kerry and was shocked. "Dammit!"

"The next question is for President Bush from anonymous."

"The Patriot Act is after me, man!" shouted a crazed audience member, "What are you going to do about it?"

"Hey, don't believe all that crazy stuff you read out on the internets about the Patriot Act; it's a great law that helps us catch terrorists. Stupid internets spreading lies!"

"So the government isn’t spying on me?" the audience member asked.

Bush laughed. “I wouldn’t go that far…”

"The Patriot Act needs to be reformed," Kerry answered, "And guess what I have for the Patriot Act?"

"A plan," the audience all said together in a bored tone.

"That is correct!"

"The next question is for Kerry from Elizabeth."

"Will you let tax money go for abortion?"

"Now is a good time as any for me to mention something." Kerry struck a pose. "I served in Vietnam. I am also a Catholic... even though it is true that the pope beat me with his pope staff while his cardinals held me down. Thus, I respect life, but at the same time I can't let my religious beliefs become law. Now, if you make a graph of the number of abortions, convert it to a symbolic equation, take that integral, and watch how what it equals as x approaches infinity, you'll find the answer to your question."

Bush was silent.

"Mr. President, your response," Gibson prompted.

"I'm still trying to decipher that one." Bush was quiet for a few more seconds. "Okay, I give up; let's move on."

"And now a question for President Bush from Lou."

"Why have you never vetoed a spending bill?"

"Because... uh... the good reason that..." Bush looked at his feet. "I lost my veto stamp and I was too embarrassed to tell anyone."

"I will never lose any of my stamps, pens, or staplers!" Kerry declared, "I have a plan! A PLAN!"

"The next question is for Kerry from Donald."

"Rarr!" Rumsfeld yelled as he ran out and started strangling Kerry until security pulled him away.

"Bush planted the Secretary of Defense in the audience so he would strangle me!" Kerry yelled.

"Bush planted an angry dog in the audience so it would attack me!" Kerry accused.

"More crazy liberal talk," Bush laughed, "Kerry just doesn't have enough resolve to answer a simple mauling. The whole notion that I had some evil plans coming into this debate is correct... I mean crazy!"

"I will not let other nations determine our security!" Kerry said adamantly, "I will find the terrorists and kill them! I will destroy all our enemies!"

"I see a 'but' coming," Bush sighed.

"BUT we must make sure we are popular with all other nations and that everyone loves us. Know that I am an optimist... BUT there will be doom... DOOM... if Bush is reelected. Also... I HAVE A PLAN!"

"President Bush, your closing statement.”

"I have one thing to prove my effectiveness," Bush said.

Suddenly the doors to the room burst open, and a long procession of men marched in, each one holding a giant bag.

"Everyone of these bags is filled with skulls of dead terrorists," Bush announced. He then danced about the stage. "Now who is your president?"

The audience cheered.

"We agreed on no props and no cheering!" Kerry yelled, "Why..."

He was cut short as a stool struck him in the head. Kerry then wept, "And you said you'd bolt down the stool so Bush couldn't do that."

"I said lots of things," Gibson answered. He then looked to the camera. "And that concludes today's debate, once again proving that ninety minutes of talking points can be even less informative than a thirty second ad."

"Free skulls for everyone!" Bush announced and tossed skulls into the audience.

"This is grotesque," Kerry said, "Why..." A skull then hit Kerry in the head.

It's Sunday, so it's time for more Bible quotes from the exclusive Catholic book of Tobit. Hooray!

* * * *

1 The Lord once appeared to Tobit. In His mighty hand was a spear, which He then held out to the humble Tobit. 2 "Take this and hide it somewhere," commandeth the Lord, "and, if anyone comes around asking about Me, say you ain't seen Me."

3 "Am I supposed to deny my lord?" asked Tobit as he accepted the spear. 4 "Why do you have to make things complicated, Tobit?" answered the Lord, "Just say you haven't seen Me in the past day. And stash that spear someplace good or I swear to Me I'll smite ya."

5 "Uh... I will not fail thee, my Lord," Tobit stated as he peered at the spear. 6 "You better not," threatened the Lord, "now all I need is an alibi. Since I'm everywhere at once, I guess that means I always have an alibi... or does that mean I never have an alibi. Whatcha think, Tobit?"

7 "And what exactly is this all about, Almighty?" Tobit queried. 8 "This is not the time for questions, Toby!" the Lord said with a thunderous voice, "Man, I think I hear people coming. You just hide that spear, and I'll handle the rest."

9 "Whatever you command, Lord, it shall be done," Tobit said, "For I am a..." 10 In a flash, though, the Lord was gone as there was a knock at Tobit's door. Tobit dutifully hid the spear, and the Lord got away scott-free.

Well, I hope I didn't do too poorly. Thanks again to Republican Radio for having me.

Anyway, I have a lot more to say about the debate that I didn't have time to say, and I'll have that analysis here on Monday. For anyone new to IMAO, you can catch some of my previous debate posts here, here, here, and here.

UPDATE: Apparently the internet streaming didn't continue on to the second hour where I appeared. For all those who didn't catch it, I didn't stumble at all and held the audience captivated. Absolutely captivated, I tells ya!

It is time to select what shall be the description for the Know Thy Enemy: Liberals t-shirt. I forgot to write down the names of who wrote what, but I have their e-mail somewhere, so I can contact them when needed.

2. Liking the French is bad enough…but it’s merely a tenet of liberalism, a ridiculous political theory centered on destroying the U.S. and the rights of its people. Liberalism encourages changing positions on issues, fighting logic with crude signs, taking away guns, hard-earned cash, and sovereignty, bastardizing cars for “safety” purposes, and more…including requiring us to run plans for homeland defense through our enemies first! The threat of liberalism can’t be combated with guns, so you’ll need this shirt. Not only will it drive away liberals by encouraging free speech, but it’ll also win weak-minded, uninformed swing voters.

3. We wouldn't send our troops out to fight the terrorists without body armor (unless you're Kerry), and neither can we at home battle the domestic evil of liberalism without the proper gear. Wearing this t-shirt will both remind you of what to look out for and help educate your neighbors on how to best defeat this internal threat to our safety. And t-shirt babes agree: nothing is sexier than pre-shrunk cotton!

4. We must empower ourselves and our fellow citizens to recognize liberals in all their various forms. Because with all these lunatic protesters, dirty hippies, and big-government socialists running around, is it any wonder all the other galaxies are pulling away from us? Please do your part to raise awareness - and to keep the universe from flying apart. Buy this t-shirt today.

5. First the judges confiscated your crosses, holy water and garlic under "separation of Church and State". Now you are going to need another method to keep liberals at bay. Apparently driving a stake through someone's heart is illegal in America, so you'll need the next best
thing: Frank's "Know Thy Enemy: Liberals" t-shirt. Its 100% preshrunk cotton, 100% American and 100% kick-ass.

6. Being easily confused and disoriented by the truth, wearing this t-shirt may actually cause Liberals to surrender to you! Do not be surprised to see one approach you bearing a white flag on a stick. The best way to handle this situation is to simply say, "Bad Liberal!" and promptly smack their nose with the stick. You can then use the white flag to wipe your hands of any granola or tofu smudged all of the stick!

How many times do you think Kerry will reference having served in Vietnam in tonight's debate?

I'm guessing five times, less than the last since this isn't as foreign policy focused. Then again, Kerry is good at finding extremely convoluted reasons for mentioning being in the military. Anyway, I will have an official count.

Hey, Mr. President, I know you're nervous about tonight's debate, but don't worry; Frank J. is here with advice. Here are tips on how to ensure a win:

* Be cordial to John Kerry. Give him a gift of pink ribbons at the beginning of the debate because I hear he likes to throw ribbons.

* Last time Kerry was orange; this time he may be purple. Ignore it; it's just to throw you off.

* As soon as you get to your podium, write "FOR IRAQ WAR" on one side of a piece of paper in big letters, and then "AGAINST IRAQ WAR" on the other side. Hold up the appropriate side during the debate to help the audience at home keep track of Kerry's current position.

* Instead of grimacing while Kerry is speaking, try making a French-looking face and imitate the haughty mannerisms of Kerry. If you're entertaining enough, no one will even listen to Kerry.

* Remember that you are the president of the United States, and thus demand respect from the people who ask you questions. If you think a question from one of the town hall participants isn't respectful enough, just knock him down and beat him as your response. Remember not to start off too strongly as you have two minutes to fill and you want to use up all your time and not get tired out.

* Don't let the topic stay on namby-pamby issues; remind the audience that there are over five billion foreigners out there - five billion people who are not Americans - and you need a strong leader to keep watch of them all.

* See if you can plant some troops for our coalition members in the audience. Then, if Kerry starts demeaning our allies, a big Aussie could walk up to him and say, "So, mate, you think we're coerced and bribed, do ya? Guess what? I'll kick ya in the down unders for free."

* Bring up the Oil for Food scandal and try to link it to Kerry by saying, "Ends up the whole time Saddam was bribing French-looking people like Senator Kerry - namely THE FRENCH!"

* To show that Kerry is just talk and you get results, have people walk into the debate and dump a pile of dead terrorists on the floor while you announce, "These are the terrorists we killed just today... and the day ain't over yet!" Then turn to Kerry and challenge, "How many terrorists have you killed, flip-waffler!"

* Keep bringing up Kerry's record of twenty years of voting for taxing soldiers who use needed weapon systems... or something like that.

* Also mention how he voted against the first Gulf War. Everyone liked that war.

* If Halliburton comes up, just ignore it. Halliburton has one of their killer attack robot programmed to break through the wall of the room and destroy whoever demeans them anyway.

* If the debate comes to blows, Kerry is now wise to your deadly tiger punch, so instead master the flying dragon kick to use against him.

Want to hear my verdict on the Presidential debate tomorrow night but can't wait until Monday? Well, Saturday I'm going to be on Republican Radio. If you don't get one of their stations, you can listen to them online. I should be on around the end of their first hour, sometime after 1:45PM ET (10:45AM PT).

Pat B. writes:The hordes that use Instant Messengers are well, for the most part ignorant. No, not you, don't worry. But I was curious as to your preferred client? If you answer with "Trillian" I will love you forever (In a manly, respectful way).

What in God's name is Trillian? I use AIM, but I turn it off a lot because people are always using it to IM me which is really annoying. I got stuff to do, people! I don't have time to chat with smiley faces and what not. Sheesh...

lottiedottie writes:As I was driving through town today, I saw that Democrats had established a campaign center. Here! In my town! I'm so disappointed to know that some of my neighbors might have some of those nasty tendencies. So I am wondering what you would suggest I do to combat this heinous incursion. Would it be appropriate to hire ninjas to break in during the cover of night and steal all their propaganda and leave monkeys to tend the shop? I realize that by doing so I would be inviting evil of another kind into my hometown, but wouldn't this be the lesser of two evils?
P.S. Do you think that it is possible that the Kerry campaign workers are really monkeys in disguise?

As for your P.S., the DNC doesn't disguise their monkeys.

Anyway, having a Democrat infestation can be annoying, but it's no reason for ninja shenanigans. Just go to pest control and have them isolate and spray the place. Any remaining Democrats should be destroyed by stamping.

The Bear writes:As technically I live in the Dominion of Canada, when is the United States (on orders from Secretary of War Frank J.) going to dominate this country and rid us of our oppressors, the Liberal Party of Canada?

I pride myself in being completely ignorant of the politics in all other countries, so I'm not quite familiar with your problem. By my understanding, Canada basically has a one party system that keeps power through a sham democracy. We in America are quite busy bringing freedom elsewhere, so you may be better off trying to handle things yourself. It's not like your Liberal Party murders dissenters or cut off hands (do they?), so I bet they could be overthrown with a mild (but violent) coup. Why don't you get working on that, and maybe Canada will then be interesting enough to make the news for a change.

Vegesigo from Birmingham, AL writes:I can understand your general hatred of monkeys, however, I was watching Lion King last night with my daughter and realized that the monkey in it is quite awesome. He is by far the wisest of all of the animals, is a bit mystical, and knows martial arts. What say you on this?

That monkey is the most dangerous of all, as he makes monkeys look cool. This can have horrible monkey influence on your daughter that may be hard to deprogram. Instead, have her watch a monkey-free movie of good American values such as Die Hard.

If I were to convert an automatic baseball pitching machine into a ninja-star throwing Assembly of Death, would the U.S. government buy the patent from me? Since you’re so smart and worldly, I bet you have better judgement on matters like this than I do.

If you don't think the government already has a machine to automatically throw ninja-stars, you're a fool. A FOOL!

Their device can throw knives, rocks, and hamsters too.

Sorry to shatter your dream, but, if you break into government buildings and read their secret weapons files, you could save yourself a lot of time in the future.

* * * *

If you've got questions, I've got answers... maybe even answers to your questions. E-mail me your questions about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject "Frank Answers". Include the name you want to be referred by, your town, and URL if you have one.

"Edwards made a few good points, though," Liasson declared, "between the whimpering that is."

"But the whole venue was set against Edwards," Kondracke said, "especially how there was no rule to keep Cheney from thumping Edwards in the head."

"Which was inappropriate and made Cheney look mean," Liasson stated.

"On the contrary, I think Cheney looked calm and professional while he beat up Edwards," Barnes said, "Even after breaking the table with Edwards's head during his closing statement, Cheney then just fixed his tie and continued talking for the last twenty seconds like nothing strange happened."

"He was quite calm," Kondracke agreed, "Almost sedated."

"A sedated Godzilla," Hume suggested.

"And that's what people want now in this war on terror," Barnes said, "A calm, trustworthy giant beast from Monster Island, not some guy who got beat up in kindergarten."

"I think Edwards's toughness as a child is hardly the issue," Liasson responded.

"I mean last week," Barnes stated, "He visited a school, and the kindergarteners knocked him down and beat the crap out of him."

"Let's move on to Bush's speech," Hume said, "Do you think it gives any clue to his strategy for the Friday debate?"

"He is clearly trying to build off the momentum Cheney made," Kondracke stated.

"And he certainly hinted at something to come," Barnes commented.

"I believe you're referring to this statement," Hume said.

The screen showed Bush standing at his podium. "I have plans for the next debate," he stated, "Secret, evil plans. Muh ha ha ha!"

"Knowing Bush's record, I'd be worried that he might hurt himself with his evil plans," Liasson commented.

"I guess we'll all be watching then to see what happens," Brit Hume stated and then looked to the camera, "Remember to tune in Friday to FOX News for complete debate coverage, body slams, pile drivers, and all."

Bill Whittle has returned with a new essay. As always, haven't had a chance to read it yet, but, if history is any evidence, it is well worth your time. Here's the first paragraph:

Watching the Presidential debates of October 1st, and the subsequent reactions to them, has left me once again with the sad realization that there are many millions of people who prefer a man who says the wrong things well over one who says the right things badly – and in the case of the first debates we are talking about saying very, very stupid things well and intelligent things very, very badly.

An important thing - especially for us humor writers - is not our own opinion about something, but what's the conventional wisdom (CW for short) on the subject. As a service, I thought I'd sum up all the conventional wisdom on the VP debate.

CONVENTIONAL WISDOM ON THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE

* Cheney performed well in the debate and helped stopped Kerry's momentum from the first presidential debate.

* Cheney did better in the first half (the foreign policy part of the debate) than the second half, but that half was more important.

* Gwen Ifill did a good job as moderator, but the part where they weren’t allowed to say their running mate’s name was a little odd.

* By putting Kerry's senate record out on the table again, Cheney really helped the Bush campaign.

* Though Cheney made Edwards look like a little scrappy schoolboy, Edwards's hair was shiny.

* Cheney showed he wasn't the mean ogre the Democrats liked to portray him as by not lifting Edwards over his head and snapping him in two - something Cheney could easily do since his bionic heart gives him ten times the strength of the average man.

* The debate proved once and for all that Edwards is, in fact, a homosexual.

* There is nothing wrong with that.

* When Edwards tearfully ran to his wife after the debate ended, the words he mouthed to her were, "Mommy!"

* The might of the evil Halliburton corporation that backed Cheney was stronger than the might of Satan that backs all trial lawyers.

* When Edwards's dad said he was watching to TV to learn to do math, he was just covering up to his son that he was actually watching porn.

* The monkeys running around the stage showed that Cleveland has poor pest control.

* When Cheney's criticism of the Kerry/Edwards campaign became quite sharp, it was considered quite childish how Edwards tried to hide under his suit jacket.

* Though Cheney scored points against Edwards by pointing out his poor attendance record at the Senate and how Edwards had no penis, this helped little since the main target should have been Kerry.

As we all know from the media, Cheney serves his master the corporation Halliburton, the most evil corporation there is. Thus I sent my crack research staff to find out all they can about Halliburton, and I even checked out the FactCheck.org site Cheney mentioned (my sister was the first one to tell me about that site; good silly sister). Here are the goods:

FUN FACTS ABOUT HALLIBURTON

* Halliburton gets its name from the last name of Lucifer Halliburton, prince of darkness.

* Halliburton the corporation was founded right after Adam and Eve were expelled from paradise and soon got a sole-source contract for building their house.

* The cross Christ was crucified on - all Halliburton. They had sole-source on that for the Romans.

* During the Dark Ages, Halliburton labored long and hard to find a way to pollute the world using the technology available, but ended up on just causing the crusades since they had the sole-source on chain mail and the pope was a former CEO of theirs.

* While Andrew Jackson was president, Halliburton was able to get a contract to randomly destroy forest and kill woodland creatures for no particular reason.

* In the 80's, Halliburton researched how to turn puppies into nuclear waste that they could then put in the water of school children.

* After Cheney became CEO, Halliburton made money by bulldozing orphanages in third world countries to make chemical weapons plants to use on kittens.

* Some are confused exactly what business Halliburton does. Its main products are pollution, hatred, death, and lawn furniture.

* Remember when you didn't get that toy you wanted for Christmas? It was because of Halliburton!

* In Iraq, Halliburton has a couple people instructed to bang a hammer against pieces of wood to pretend they're constructing something while the rest of the employees work on stealing all that sweet, sweet oil.

* Halliburton saves money on labor by using slave labor. They save money on slave drivers by just giving whips to angry gorillas.

* Know who canceled the original Star Trek? Halliburton!

* Halliburton contractors in Iraq have been instructed to strap Iraqi children to themselves to protect themselves from bullets.

* Despite seemingly cutting contact with Halliburton and its profits, Cheney gets a dollar from Halliburton each time an innocent civilian in Iraq is killed.

* In a fight between Aquaman and Halliburton, Aquaman would be bribed with a cushy job to not tell the press how Halliburton is dumping waste in the ocean (hey, the ocean is two thirds of the earth; where else are you supposed to dump waste?).

* In the movie Planet of the Apes, know who blew up the Statue of Liberty? Halliburton!

* Reliable polemic, government-controlled newspapers in the Middle East say that not only is Halliburton part of the Great Satan, it's also run by jooooos!

* Halliburton has gotten its pollution so efficient, it soon should be able to produce pure pollution without any commercial byproduct.

* Halliburton has done business with America's sworn enemies such as Libya, Iran, and France.

* It's in the Halliburton mission statement to put evil and the customer before profit.

The debate was like an experienced statesman - Cheney for instance - against Scrappy Doo.

Well, I hope Bush does better than last time on Friday, or it's fist shaking time!

BTW, like I said I would, I did play a computer game while watching this debate. It was Far Cry, and I killed many people while sneaking through the jungle listening to Cheney verbally pound the little trial lawyer.

You may have noticed the new ad with Ann Coulter, and, if you didn't, I'm doing something wrong. That's my extra special ad space. Also, I forgot to mention the return of JC T-Shirts with the new shark-eat-shark shirt. Check them out and all my other ads.

There is some misunderstanding on my Blog Ads. I don't receive money for each click or if they sell merchandise. They are buying ad space from me the same as buying ad space in a magazine. That said, since they were all nice enough to be my sponsors, I think you owe checking out each of my advertisers at least once -a small price for free ice cream.

Turkeyhead asks:Is it true that nougat can be chemically altered into symtex with the use of specific enzymes from monkey spit? Is that why they don't sell Mars® bars at zoos, because that would make the monkey doodie highly explosive?

That's only half true.

Noah, aka Tsymyn, writes:During the Cold War, at the height of the Cuban Missile Crisis, there were many sightings of UFOs over the White House and the Kremlin, leading many to speculate that alien ambassadors had visited both superpowers, preventing a nuclear holocaust. If there is a race of compassionate aliens determined to avert horrible disasters on earth, will they prevent the potential upcoming downfall of the United States of America by A. Restoring sanity to liberals with their mind rays, thereby making them conservatives who will vote for Bush, or B. Vaporizing Kerry with their precision death rays?

U.S. policy has always been to immediately kill any aliens and give them an autopsy while poorly filming it. If the aliens are going to have any effect on the election, it will be while their organs reside in individual, marked jars.

El Jefe writes:Since Virginia is an open-carry state now, how should I go about wearing my .45 while shooting pool? Hip or shoulder holster? You know, just in case someone starts crying, "Foul!" when it really wasn't a foul and I don't want to give the liberal cry-baby hippy-tard ball-in-hand.

First off, shoulder holsters with a horizontal draw are just rude in an open carry situation, as your gun will be pointing at anyone behind you. Also, any shoulder holster is likely to get in the way while playing pool, making that foul more likely. I recommend to go with the tried and true hip holster.

Remember: By Virginia law, you can only legally pistol whip hippies for the offense you mentioned.

I'm tired of all the ignorance about the Catholic faith out there. There's a book, Catechism of the Catholic Church, that has everything spelled out for those interested, but no one bothers.

Anyway, the KFC chicken bucket hat harkens back to how Jesus fed thousands after his sermon on the mount from one bucket of chicken. It's covered with fabric so the KFC logo isn't seen thus keeping the Catholic Church free from corporate sponsors.

* * * *

If you've got questions, I've got answers... maybe even answers to your questions. E-mail me your questions about politics, science, math, theology, or whatever with the subject "Frank Answers". Include the name you want to be referred by, your town, and URL if you have one.

Some countries should have nuclear weapons, such as America. Then... well, that's about it, but I guess it's okay the British have some, and I don't mind much that India and Pakistan have them as long as they just keep them pointed at each other. But know who shouldn't have nuclear weapons? Iran, North Korea, and children.

Iran, North Korea, and children just can't be trusted with the responsibility nuclear weapons entail. Nuclear weapons can kill millions and put the world into the deadliest war in history, but we can't trust that Iran, North Korea, and children will be rational enough to understand that.

Also, look at the history of Iran, North Korea, and children; they often have been reckless with their possessions in the past, and it wouldn't be too surprising if Iran, North Korea, or children misplaced their nuclear weapons such that they ended up in the hands of terrorists. Sure we could scold them afterwards, but the damage would be done. That's why we need to keep Iran, North Korea, and children from getting nuclear weapons in the first place.

Iran, North Korea, and children probably won't accept this ruling and throw tantrums saying they should be able to have nuclear weapons too. It's best to just ignore them when they act like that. But, we need to keep a constant eye on Iran, North Korea, and children because they are likely to disobey us if they think we aren't looking. Perhaps we can motivate them by saying if they're good we'll make trade agreements, loosen sanctions, and give them cookies, things that Iran, North Korea, and children want.

It will take a stern hand to keep Iran, North Korea, and children in line, but the consequences of any of them getting nuclear weapons is too much for the world to bear. It's best we keep nuclear weapons up on a refrigerator or underground in a reinforced, concrete silo where Iran, North Korea, and children can't reach them. If they still persist, then harder actions must be taken. As the old saying goes, "Spare the rod, spoil the Iran, North Korea, or child."

Frank J. is a syndicated columnist whose columns appear worldwide on IMAO.us and is the author of such books as "The Monkey Was Dead When I Got Here" and "My Lord, Art is Boring!"

The only problem is that I need a description to go on the t-shirt page (check out the one for Terrorists and the French for examples). So it is time for a...

CONTEST!

I need you to express how horrible liberals are and why one needs this shirt to defend against them in one hundred words or less. You'll have 48 hours from the time of this post to send me your entry (one entry per person) by e-mailing me with the subject "Liberals Bad!" I'll pick my five favorite, and then you'll all get to vote on them. Winner gets immortality for his or her description going up on the sales page and a free Know Thy Enemy: Liberals t-shirt!

You enter now! You buy t-shirt now! You buy all IMAO t-shirts!

Hooray!

UPDATE: Deadline to submite has passed. I'll pick my five favorite and put them to a vote Friday.

Kerry mentioned a "global test" during Thursday debates, so I sent my crack research staff to find out what that could be. Ends up, it's freely available from the U.N. Here it is:

THE GLOBAL TEST FOR PREEMPTIVE STRIKES
Brought to you by your local U.N.

Please answer these questions with a "yes" or "no" in regards to your proposed preemptive strike.

* Is this action needed to protect your nation from an imminent threat?

* Have you considered all other courses of action?

* Will the U.N. actually have to do anything other than talk?

* Will this financially benefit France?

* Does Communist China think it’s a good idea?

* Do all Communist nations think it's a good idea?

* Even Cuba?

* Can you wait for at least 18 months of pointless U.N. debate before acting?

* Will this in no way help Israel?

* Will this interfere with any current kickback programs at the U.N.?

* Will this in no way anger any Muslims?

* Did you obtain the permission of the country you plan to invade?

If you answered "yes" to all these questions, then you will be allowed to do a preemptive strike after you allow for the debate, fill out an ecological impact form, and grease all the right palms. Thank you for supporting your local U.N. and have a peaceful, globally popular day.

"Scott, keep a look out, okay," Bush said as he snuck around Kerry's house.

"AHH!" Scott McClellan screamed as he rolled around while three dobermans were biting him, "His guard dogs are attacking me!"

"Good. Keep them distracted." Bush then worked on the plumbing.

* * * *

"Jeeves!" Kerry yelled as he came out of his shower, "I'm orange!"

"That you are, sir," Kerry's butler replied.

"It must be that Bush!" Kerry yelled, "Well, I'll just have to come up with some ridiculous story about how I got tanned while playing touch football at Harvard." Kerry shuddered. "People touched me during that game... some of them common folk. Well, I'll show Bush what's what at the debates!"

"Please, sirs," Jim Lehrer interrupted, "We agreed that there would be no pre-debate banter. Now, by toss of coin, the first question goes to Kerry: Why are you so orange?"

"That's just a distraction," Kerry answered, "Just like Iraq is a distraction - a diversion you might say - from the real war on terror. Bush has botched that, but I have real plan... tons of plans... plans so good I won't even tell you them because you might steal them... to win the war for good."

"Bush, your response," Lehrer prompted.

A glass of water struck Kerry in the face.

"A verbal response," Lehrer clarified.

"Oh, well... uh... Kerry is a goober. He can't scare terrorists... not even small children. I can scare children, though. It's hard work, but I have the vision to spread liberty and... There's lights! What's happening?"

"Those are to inform you how much time you have left," Lehrer explained.

"Oh, I get it. Anyhoo, terrorists are dying, so everyone be happy."

"The next question is for Mr. Bush: Is there anything about the Iraq war you think you did wrong?"

"No, I did everything right. It was Iraq that was wrong, not having WMDs and what not. We had good intelligence that they did have WMDs, but they weren't keeping up their end. Anyway, terrorists are dying. How many terrorists has Kerry killed? None!"

"Mr. Kerry, your response."

"I would first like to mention that I served in Vietnam and that relates somehow to this. I would also like to say I am resolved. I will take down terrorists and even - as you say – ‘kill’ them. Furthermore..."

"Green light!" Bush shouted and then tackled Kerry.

"You agreed on no physical violence," Lehrer said.

"But I thought that's what the light signaled," Bush stated as he got back up.

"I just explained to you they signaled the time left," Lehrer told Bush with annoyance.

"And I wasn't listening."

"Mr. Kerry, you may continue."

"As I was saying, the real terrorists are Al Qaeda, and the war in Iraq was a mistake."

"Next question is for Kerry: Are soldiers dying in Iraq for a mistake?"

"We need to give our troops the support they need. Why, just the other day, I ran into some of our troops. The one who didn't spit at me said... Hey! Why is the light already red! Bush is playing with my lights!"

Bush hid an object behind his back. "No I'm not."

"Bush, your response."

The remote control for the lights then struck Kerry in the head.

"Dammit! I should have held on to that," Bush exclaimed.

"Next question is for Mr. Bush. Will you still consider preemptive strikes in the future?"

"Hells yeah, they're fun!" Bush answered, "Why, reminds me of back in the day, if I knew someone was going to pick a fight with me in school, I'd punch him in the nose and run away really quick. Solved lots of problems doing that."

"Mr. Kerry, your response."

"I'm for preemptive wars if they're for the interest of the nation, but you have to pass a global test."

"What the..." Bush swore.

"It looks like Bush has more to say," Lehrer stated, "So we'll have a one minute extension."

"There is not a global test!" Bush yelled, "If there were any tests, I never would have ran for the presidency. I hate tests."

"Mr. Kerry."

"You see..."

"Green light!" Bush yelled and then tackled Kerry.

* * * *

"A disaster," Cheney proclaimed.

"Despite his girlish screams each time you tackled him," Condi told Bush, "The majority opinion is that Kerry looked presidential."

"Doooooom!" Karl Rove shouted as he emerged from the shadows.

"Oh no!" Bush yelled, "Doom is bad!"

"You must now destroy the one known as Kerry or there will be dooooom!" Rove said.

"We'll just have Cheney do well in his debate," Bush said.

"No one cares about the Vice Presidential debate," Cheney answered, "I'm not even prepping for it. I just plan on grabbing that pretty boy Edwards by the neck, lift him in the air, and shake him until he is dead. Perfect place to kill him, as there will be no witnesses."

It's Sunday, so it's time for Bible study. In the Catholic Bible, there are some books that the other Christian Bibles don't include, so I thought it would be educational for all to quote some from one of them. Let's read The Book of Tobit together and meditate on it.

* * * *

1 This book tells the story of Tobit, son of Tobiel, son of Hannaniel, son of Aduel, son of Gabael of the family Asiel, of the tribe Naphtali, 2 who during the reign of Shalmaneser, king of Assyria, was a devoted servant to the Lord.

3 One day the Lord called unto Tobit, "Young Tobit, I call thee." 4 And Tobit did say, "Yes, Lord, I am here and always your willing servant. Though times may be hard, I shall always..."

5 "Yeah, yeah," interrupted the Lord, "That is all well and good, but don't touch My stuff." 6 And Tobit did reply, "I am sorry, Lord, but Your words are a mystery to me." 7 Then the Lord did sayeth, "My stuff, in that box over there labeled 'God's Stuff''... Don't touch it! Capisce?"

8 Tobit did say, "The Lord does not have to worry about the devotion of Tobit. I will never think of touching Your... uh... stuff." 9 "Don't give me that!" commandeth the Lord, "I saw you looking at My stuff!" 10 "I'm sorry, Lord," Tobit said, his eyes towards the ground, "I am but mortal and cannot help but wonder what lies in the box that is grand that the Lord Himself would call it 'God's Stuff.'"

11 "That's My business," the Lord did reply, "Now stay out of it. I don't want you or anyone else getting their grubby hands on My stuff." 12 "Then it shall be the job of humble Tobit to see to it that no one touches the things of the Lord," Tobit proclaimed, "From this day forward, none shall even come near..."

13 "Whatever," the Lord did interrupt again, "Just don't touch My stuff and we're cool." 14 Thus Tobit held back his curiosity and fought off all others such that God's stuff would go unmolested.

Since it looks like Mt. Saint Helens is going to erupt again, I sent my crack research staff to find out all they could about volcanoes. Here is what they found:

FUN FACTS ABOUT VOLCANOES

* Volcanoes are like mountains... but with a gooey center!

* What a volcano kills most people with is its lava... or is it its smoke. Well, whatever it is, just stay the hell away from whatever comes out of a volcano.

* Lava is molten rock. You have to heat rock pretty high to melt it. Like, my oven can get pretty hot, but I still couldn't melt a rock... and I touched the rock that wasn't melted as was like, "Ow!" That's hot!

* Where lava comes from within the earth. If you dig a lot, after getting through the dirt, you'll hit hot magma. And then China.

* If you dig a hole that flows magma into China, the Chinese will get angry. Stupid Commies.

* Why is it so hot in the earth as to melt rock? I have no idea. Seems like someone must be doing something crazy down there. We better find out who... or what!

* Many islands have volcanoes. This is much more dramatic because then you can't just drive away from the slowly moving magma.

* Those island volcanoes are bigger than they look because much of them is under water. If I were them, I'd go to Mount Everest and be like, "Bitch, you ain't the tallest mountain! You just the tallest thing that don't happen to be partially under water, foo'!"

* To stop a volcano, throw a virgin in it. Sluts only make it angrier.

* You can also use up a volcano's lava supply by causing a bunch of volcanoes around it to go off. Ha!

* You could also try throwing some ice in it. Wouldn't hurt.

* If the volcano you see is hollowed out, look out for evil geniuses.

* If you see a lava flow coming towards you, jump! Maybe it will cool to regular harmless rock before you hit the ground.

* In a fight between a volcano and Aquaman, the results of the fight wouldn't be known until ten thousand years later when Aquaman's remains are unearthed from the rock.

* If you think you see an erupting volcano, call the police. Someone should know about it.

* Whatever you do, don’t let your kids play on a volcano’s edge… unless it has railing.

* The site of Yellowstone National Park was once a giant volcano. If that ever goes off again, expect park services to ask for more money. They’re always asking for more money.

Wow! Wasn't that hella boring? I feel like I should get a purple heart just for watching it.

Let's recap it for all those fortunate enough not to watch. It was a Jim Lehrer style debate (the most popular style) where Jim Lehrer made all the questions. There were two minutes for an answer, ninety seconds for a rebuttal, and there could be one minute overtime with thirty seconds for each.

And there were lights! Green lights means thirty seconds left, 15 seconds for yellow, and five seconds for red. Plus, the audience was instructed to be as silent as the grave.

Now, I did watch the entire debate, but ADD made sure I didn't quite listen to it all. So, when I got super bored, I made some observations on their body language. Kerry would make big motions like placing one hand or both hands folded over his chest. Then he'd do ninja chops in the air to make a point. Sometimes, he'd lift one hand and hold it up like he was pinching something? What was he thinking he was pinching? A wad of his wife's money? A new purple heart? I dunno.

Bush made smaller motions, except when he was making a big point about freedom. Then he'd pound the podium like it was an evil terrorist. He also stumbled in speech more than Kerry, but he'd always be solid when making his main point. And then he'd pound the hell out of that podium!

Also, I noticed how each would make notes while the other was speaking. What were they writing! Well, I have some contacts (the less said the better) and obtained copies of some of those notes.

Question 1 to Kerry: Do you believe you can do a better job than Bush about preventing terror?

Kerry started out by wasting time thanking everyone including Jim and Florida. He then admitted Bush loves his country - something a lot of left-wing crazies would dispute. He then said he wants strong alliances, and at that point I noticed he was not so orange. He said he has a better plan to strengthen everything and will isolate bad people.

He did not share with us that plan. What's your plan, jack?

He also said he would have summit in Iraq. Summits must be important. Why aren't you summiting, Bush?

Bush responded by saying that 9/11 changed the world (like, duh). He also said 75% of al Qaeda leaders were brought to justice (read "killed). Also, 10 million registered to vote in Afghanistan (but if they're anything like us, that means about 300 will actually vote).

Question 2 to Bush: Do you believe the election of Kerry will increase terrorism?

Bush just said that Kerry won't win (artful dodge). He said it was his duty to stop evil. And he wouldn't waver (implying that Kerry is a bad flip flop man). He then said he would spread liberty like creamy Skippy peanut butter (was he paid for a product placement). Then he said we must not lose our will to fight (which implicitly would happen with French-looking man).

Kerry responded saying he will hunt down and kill terrorists (now that is presidential sounding). He then said Iraq diverts attention - fighting words! Listed everyone who is in the military who supports him (everyone except who served with him in 'nam).

Question 3 to Kerry: What colossal misjudgments did Bush makes?

Kerry starts with a phony laugh. Not true alliance, he said. Didn't exhaust U.N.’s endless ability to talk about things. At this point, he seemed to get more orange, but that may have just been my TV. He now mentions being in combat! (start your "I served in Vietnam" counters) Claimed Bush didn't use war as last resort. Keeps saying 90%, but I keep missing about what. Kerry then said prescription drugs for seniors are in Iraq. Then he complains about too much opium (for drugs, then against drugs - flip flop!).

Bush said he agrees with what Kerry said before (Ha! You flip-flopper!). Bush said he went to the U.N. all by himself because he's a bug boy. He hoped free world wouldn't be a bunch of douches (my words). He then said Kerry has a September 10th mentality (fighting words!). Ended with saying the world is safer without Saddam.

Questions 4 to Bush: What about priorities of Saddam versus Osama?

Bush talked about how strong his alliances are. Not just one focus to war on terror (both kept mixing up Saddam and Osama and then correcting themselves). Pounded his podium when he said Saddam is important to war on terror. Take than, podium! He said the biggest disaster is not succeeding in Iraq. He said Allawi doesn't want mixed signals and there will be elections in January. More pounding.

Kerry responded by saying Iraq was not close to center of terror until invaded (more fighting words!). Said Bush had no plan to win peace (yawn; only heard that a million times). He complains about lack of equipment he voted against. Keeps saying how more troops are killed each month, and he will send more troops (to be killed?).

One minute extension!

Bush said Kerry voted for war and then said wrong war, wrong time, wrong place.

Kerry responded with, "I am steadfast!"

One minute extensions are exciting!

Questions 5 to Kerry: I missed this questions because my attention faded while Kerry was speaking.

Kerry's answer to whatever the question was that it was a mixed message to help Iraq but not help homeland (changing subject to domestic front). Said we need more inspections at home (what's with him and extensions?). He said Bush thought it more important give wealthy tax cut than secure people. Then he started talking about... Soviet Union?!

Bush responded by saying that what Kerry wants will mean more taxes (people hate more taxes). Bush said he tripled homeland budget. Bush said best way to protect is to stay on the offense (good podium pounding line).

One minute extension!

Kerry said there are thousands of hours unlistened to tapes at FBI! (maybe they're Hootie and the Blowfish tapes)

Bush responded with saying of course I do everything I can for homeland (he does live there). He again mentions offense.

Question 6 to Bush: When will you bring troops home from Iraq?

Bush said we must train Iraqis (sit, heel, stay!). They must want to take matters in their own hands. Will not bring troops home for sake of bringing them home. Will bring them home when generals and ambassador says Iraqis are ready to do stuff themselves. Won't put artificial deadline. Claims Kerry said six months. Said free Iraq help secures Israel (and jooos!). He said its essential for security of country.

Kerry thanks troops, promises tp help them (but troops hate him). Said something about a rope line? Claims some troops told Kerry they needed his help (Who? They better not let other troops find out) Kerry said something about not guarding some place to find WMD's (there were WMD's?). Mentions serving again in oblique way ("I served in Vietnam count" now 2).

Kerry said he made mistake in talking about war while the president made mistake in invading Iraq (touché!). Now mentions Vietnam specifically (count at 3).

Question 7 for Kerry: Are Americans dying for a mistake? (Lehrer mentions Vietnam; don't know if you want to do a count for him)

Kerry said it was no mistake (just a diversion and created more terror, but not a mistake?) Now he claims he wants to win this war. Says we didn't plan or go with allies (what's he smoking?). He had trouble saying terrorism during this answer; don't know what to think about that. Then he was real boring until he mentioned evil evil Halliburton getting spoils of war.

Bush said that was all totally absurd. Said we can't build alliance and denigrate our friends... then he imitates Kerry: "Please join us in Iraq for a grand diversion. It's a wrong war, wrong place, wrong time, so hop in!" He then says Kerry's core convictions change (hitting him hard now - almost as hard as podium!). He then says lots of names I can't spell (Kerry was doing it too).

One minute extension!

Kerry said, "Blah blah blah!" (okay, I was formatting my notes and missed what was said)

Bush then gets angry at Kerry denigrating allies. Bush says coalition remains strong when he is president (Kerry weak!).

Question 8 to Bush: Was it all a miscalculation?

Bush said that enemies were such pansies they laid down arms too quickly. Didn't stay and fight like we thought. Mentions how he knows about all the casualties from morning briefings and from... watching TV? (he actually watches this crap?) Said we can't give mixed signals (now both used that phrase). Then claimed our friends the Muslims in the Middle East are helping.

Kerry would do things different way (what way, he won't say?). Says coalition not genuine. Now I notice he's wearing a flag pin, but that won't fool us! He then mentions North Korea has nuclear weapons. Claims he'll change that some how (with ketchup money, maybe).

Question 9 to Kerry: Did Bush not tell truth about Iraq?

Kerry says he never said Bush lied... he only implied. Not "candid" is Kerry's nuanced way of saying it. Mentions that whole Nigeria nuclear material mess, Says our coalition is not good enough (needs France!). Mentions again we didn't go to war as last resort. He says knows how to bring people back to table (by coercing and bribing them, maybe?). Says we need to be smarter about war on terror. He then invokes the name of Ronald Reagan!

Bush says Osama doesn't get to decided what we do, and we can't have not attacked Iraq to keep Osama off them. Says Kerry wasn't misleading, so he wasn't (flip-flopper). Says ss politics change, Kerry's positions change (super flip flopper!). Then says how they both saw same intelligence.

One minute extension!

Kerry demands stronger alliance. Kerry claims he had only one position on Iraq (pause for laughter). Said there is a right way to disarm him and wrong... but doesn't explain.

Bush says, "Kerry is only consistent at being inconsistent" but totally botched the line which should be a soundbite.

Questions 10 to Bush: Was it worth 1052 lives?

Bush talks about telling a widow that her husband's sacrifice was noble and worthy. Then said Must deal with threats before they materialize. Mentions spreading freedom (must be his catch phrase). Says Iraq will set a powerful example.

Kerry mentions losing people in combat (4). Reminds him of his thinking when coming back from Vietnam (5). Has one more sentence about Vietnam (6), but my eyes glazed over. Says outcome of wrong war at wrong place at wrong time must honor nobility. Mentions summits again - he sure likes his summits. Now he tells us where all his plans are - at his website! You're not fooling me, Kerry! It's going to give me spyware and load by bookmarks with porn sites!

Kerry mentions Powell and talks about the Pottery Barn rule (now we know where he shops). Says Iraq is a mistake, but we must fix it. Claims soldiers know the war is not right. I thought soldiers shunned him.

Question 11 to Kerry: What are your specifics for ending military involvement in Iraq? (can't just mention webpage)

Kerry says he didn't say would bring troops out in six months, and then goes on about his plan to bring troops out in six months. Now he makes wacky left implication that Bush is only interested in oil? Doesn't want permanent bases in Iraq and wants rapid training of Iraqis (no special classes).

Bush says we already trained like 100,000 troops, and it is hard work because people keep trying to blow us up. Then he got all on Kerry for his "Change dynamics on the ground" line. Mentions how Kerry questioned credibility of Allawi. Said he's like puppet. Then says we must have a consistent messages. (I'm noticing a theme)

One minute extension!

Kerry says Bush hasn't shown how to do it right way. Quotes Allawi (now he listens to him!).

Bush says free Iraq is major defeat for terrorists. Says he will win war in Iraq (which implies mission not accomplished).

Question 12 for Bush: Does Iraq make more like or less likely another preemptive war?

Bush says it's a solemn (not happy-fun) duty to protect American people. Says the president must "Speak clearly," which really opens himself up for a joke. Said we would "Rue the day!" if we just kept up U.N. inspections. Says president must send message that we mean what we say (Kerry no mean what he say!). Says Libya made good example of how other countries should cower in fear.

Kerry says Saddam didn't attack us; Osama attacked us (well, duh). Says we outsourced finding Osama to Afghan warlords (there the Democrats go on about outsourcing again; I wonder if we can have India find Osama?). Says al Qaeda now has stronger recruits. Said Saddam would not be stronger even if we didn't do war.

One minute extension!

Bush, "I know who to attacked us!" Said no sanctions would help and that's a significance difference of opinion.

Kerry says everyone else is more dangerous than Saddam; why we no attack them (why not?).

Question 13 to Kerry: Would you do a preemptive war?

Kerry said he would, but we must pass "global test" (what the f...). Must prove to world we did it for legitimate reasons (screw the world, I say!). Then he mentions how Kennedy was trusted by some French guy. Kerry says he will watch ball (not good at catching it though). He mentions the global warming treaty, which is totally far from the ball, dingus.

Bush is like, "Pass global test? What does that mean, bitch?" Bush says he wouldn't join international criminal court just to be popular... unlike a certain French-looking senator.

Question 14 to Bush: Do you believe sanctions can take on Norks and Iran?

Bush is like, yeah, sure it can. Says how he got China in on talks and China has more influence on Norks (they're also Commie). Says he hopes to work with world to make Iranian mullahs abandon nukes. Mentions the IEA, but I don't know what that is.

Kerry said Brits, Frogs, and Krauts are handling Iran themselves. Need to check if Iran was looking into nuclear stuff for peaceful purposes (yeah, right). For Norks, said we had people in North Korea and knew where fuel rods were (he kept mentioning Powell; are they friends).

One minute extension!

Kerry says he wants both multi and uni talks! He wants it all!

Bush doesn't want to talk to poofy air himself.

Question 15 to Kerry: What about Sudan?

Kerry talks about Iran again. Blah blah. Wants to press for action! Go through African union! Says are troops are overextended and there is a backdoor draft! (close backdoor, then no draft) Says he will add two active duty something or other to army. Says he may use forces so there is not another Rwanda.

Bush also talks about Iran. Agrees Sudan is genocide. Won't commit troops. Says same as Liberia. Use African Union (what is that?).

Quesiont 16 to Bush: Are there major character differences between him and Kerry?

Bush says that's a, "Loaded question." Only laughter of night. Says he admires Kerry's service to country, and that he's a great dad (but have you seen what his daughter wears?). Admires how Kerry served for 20 years in Senate.. but not his record there. Now he mentions Kerry's changing positions on war in Iraq (but Kerry said he only had one view). Mentions mixed messages and need for certainty again.

Kerry returns the personal comments. They have a little friendly banter. He mentions Bush's wife (Bush didn't mention his freak show). On the issue of certainty, Kerry says you can be certain and wrong! Certainty is evil! "I use new facts!" Now mentions stem cells and global warming (dingus).

One minute extension!

Bush says he will change tactics, but not core values. Can't wilt under pressure.

Kerry said he never wilted or wavered in his life (just some SOB secret service agent made it look that way). Says we need to disarm Osama (Osama does always have an AK-47 near him in his videos). Says we need to go to U.N. (to poop on it! - that's me).

Kerry says Norks have made more weapons under Bush. Mentions Russia again for some reason.

Bush says bilateral talks very bad. Won't do.

Question 18 to Bush: Did you misjudge Putin?

Bush says he doesn't like all Putin is doing and needs to remind him of democracy (tap him on shoulder and say, "Uh... you know you're supposed to be a democracy.")

Kerry said he watched transition of Russia up close and personal (must have shed a tear when Communism fell). Said he saw reams of files with names on them or something or other. Then he quotes George Will. Goes back to China and talks with Norks. Says president wrong about WMD's and bilateral talks.

One minute extension!

Bush said he has nothing to add (didn't want an extension). Says both looked at same intelligence and came to same conclusion. Won't say Kerry is a liar for coming to same conclusion as him (Ha!).

Kerry says not true coalition... blah blah blah... incredible mess.... blah blah blah... $200 billion dollars... blah blah blah. Says this wasn't what the American people voted for (the American people got to vote for war?).

Closing Comments (hooray! over!)

Kerry says nothing notable, but adds one more to Vietnam counter (7).

Bush says "No uncertainty or weakness!" Pounds podium again when talking about offense. Uses the spread freedom line again.

Wow. It ended on time. The Oscars could learn from these people.

Well, I still don't know Kerry's plan or what the hell he thinks about Iraq, but it was so long and boring that probably no one paid attention to notice that. I think it was a draw... which means Kerry won says this was supposed to be Bush's strong point.