What was it I said in my last blog? That I was feeling a bit... "knocked down"?

Well, what I really meant by that was- I'm already down, and can't get up, because there's a ten ton cement block on top of me, being danced upon by a dozen overweight elephants.That might be more along the lines of what I actually meant.

But.... where was I...Oh yes, that's right. No job, no income, not going back to work at the bar until it reopens three weeks from now...Oh, and my son needs braces. Has needed braces. His dad is going to have to come up with the first installment. And maybe the second. And who knows how much after that. I can't afford to contribute.As if being broke and unemployed isn't enough of a self-esteem killer, not being able to pay for something your child truly needs is so, so, so, soooooo much worse.

And how about those lights? Well, they're still on. For now.

Hmmm, what else...Oh yes, the rent, and the potential family conflict I mentioned...What makes this even more precarious? ... discovering that said family member (who would normally do anything in their power to help you), is not necessarily in a financial position to just "let it ride" for a while.That makes this whole thing a bit stickier. And by a bit, I mean a ton. Wait, ten tons.

Sigh.

Well-meaning people have made several suggestions...

-Find another place that is cheaper...I have two big dogs, cats, no job/no provable income, and horrible credit (not to mention money for first month's, lasts month's and security deposit). If I were a landlord, I wouldn't even rent to me.

-Borrow money from friends or family...Oh, come now. Everyone I know has a hard enough time paying for their own crap.

-Perhaps your husband can help you...

Well, he helps as much as he can, when he can afford to.

-Perhaps your husband will come back home....

Well, that's not going to happen. Not here, anyway. It's complicated. That happens to be one of our "puzzle pieces" I find hard to put together that I mentioned in my last blog.

-Move in with friends or family...Really? Me, Dawson, Logan, two big dogs, and four cats? Firstly, I have very few local family members, and even fewer friends. And let's face it, they'd need a mansion to make room for all of us. (Mother keeps saying- you could move in with me... That's just ludicrous.)

-Get a roomate...

I've toyed with this idea. Unfortunately, the floor plan here (even as large as this house is) doesn't lend itself to someone renting a room here. The only empty room is a small one, on the other end of the second floor, adjacent to Dawson's room. Unless I gave up my master, moved into that small room, and rented the master. But then again, I just can't stand the thought of a stranger living in my house with me and the kids....

Sigh.

I can't afford my kid's braces, or to pay my sister rent for this beautiful house, or to pay for my daughter's chiropractic visit for the pain associated with the fracture in her back, can't afford to travel to Bucksport every day and help renovate the bar with the rest of my coworkers, can't seem to get a job no mater how "well I interview", no money for Christmas. Dear god... Christmas... Oh, and then there's the failed relationship. And my willingness to go to great lengths to keep it intact despite the obstacles, judgement, and doubt. Hell, maybe I'm just afraid to be alone. And then there's the history of failed relationships in general. I am the poster child for them.40 years old... No job, no education, no loving healthy relationship and nuclear family, no house, no 401k...

No goals met or gains made.

And then there are my children.

If there is any more substantial change in Dawson's life, I fear it will ruin him. He is so tender...

So many times already in life, I feel I have failed him. And so many other people have failed him as well... Ex-husbands, ex-wives, ex-boyfriends/girlfriends.. And me. He's been through so much already.And Logan.. That has been the story of her life as well. There's a reason she has such a hard time warming up to people. She's learned it... Through the life we've had. Through my failed relationships. Through moving around and around. I taught her that.

I love my children more than life itself.

But I also know that that in itself doesn't make me a good parent.

Sigh.

And through all of it, all of this, all of everything, through all the years...

All I really have to turn to, is this blog.

My best friend, my companion, my partner.

Perhaps I just answered the age-old question- Why do you blog, Crista?

And there you have it, my own personal pool of self-pity.If you've read it till the end, then thanks for swimming with me.