Pound notes - Susan Boyle

It's been almost two weeks and still no one has made any serious money out of the star of Britain's Got Talent. This outrageous state of affairs is due primarily to a stand-off between ITV and YouTube. The network wants to be allowed to run "pre-roll" adverts before the clips of Boyle are shown, the introduction of which YouTube has stood firmly against. ITV argue that Boyle represents exceptional content for which exceptional exceptions should be made.

Hopes are high in many quarters that the dispute will continue, as it is believed that proximity to an untapped revenue stream for more than 21 days induces homicidal rage in Simon Cowell and there will be every chance that he will gut Piers Morgan live on air. And then, true to the spirit of talent shows, everyone's a winner.

Rainbow economics - Alistair Darling

The chancellor stuck proudly to the old adage that you can fool all of the people some of the time but never on budget day. Everyone noticed that the cupboard was bare and was unlikely to be restocked by taxing people who earn over £150,000 at 50% (fun though it was to watch their faces), and that his sums are based on a projected growth which is only possible if we start trading in rainbows and fairy gold. The one bright spot is the prospect of the Tories slitting their throats rather than try and take over this lot next year.

Royal barracking - Prince Charles

One found oneself in a bit of hot water this week when it was discovered one had taken against plans to revamp the jolly old Chelsea Barracks and written to the Qatari brothers who own the site and who happen to be old chums of one. One only wanted to encourage them to do the decent thing and not build anything designed by anyone born after 1862, but before one knows it a group of bally modern "architects" start complaining that one is not only talking through one's hat but abusing one's position. When will everyone realise one is only ever trying to help?

Double trouble - Tesco

Tesco pledged to double its size despite - or, given the power than comes with near-monopoly of food supply, because of - the downturn. Consumers are advised to prepare for the homogenised future by having their tastebuds removed and the barcodes for their usual weekly shop tattooed on their foreheads to save time at the checkouts and have their salaries paid directly to Sir Terry Leahy. Whatever you don't spend in his emporia will be refunded at the end of every month. Although of course there won't be anywhere else to spend it.