Well, technically not all of it. After working as a programmer for online gaming community Meez.com, our tipster saw his scoop of the corporate money sundae reduced by 8,000,000 to 1, leaving him with just a little more than it cost to mail him this check. "Sometimes you win," he told us, "but you rarely hear about the losers."

It's time someone addressed the real victims of America's decline in traditional family values. I speak of our national shame: unwanted firearms. If Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer could, she'd adopt them all, no matter how broken. But she's doing the next best thing: finding loving homes for orphaned hand-cannons.

The Sundance Channel's series Rectify unfurls so slowly that it's audacious. It risks losing viewers by taking its time to allow its central, fascinating character, Daniel Holden, to feel his way around a world from which he was absent for 19 years (he spent that time on Death Row and was let out thanks to new DNA evidence). At one point, he describes time as moving differently for him. It does for the show as well. The medium is perfectly tailored to its protagonist.

Consumer Reports' first-ever thorough lab analysis of raw ground turkey meat and patties discovered that more than half the packages tested positive for fecal bacteria. So much for that "healthy" turkey burger, huh?

Life as a newspaper journalist is a crushing series of indignities ending only with your final layoff from the last print newsroom within a hundred miles of your (foreclosed) condo. For California's Pulitzer-winning daily the Press-Enterprise, today's comically tragic news is that the paper's headquarters is being sold off for $30 million, with the remaining employees destined to be shuffled over to some leased office space in Riverside.

Egyptian-American journalist Mona Eltahawy says that the N.Y. District Attorney has requested access to her Twitter account. The request is related to her 2012 arrest for spray-painting over a bigoted pro-Israel subway ad that equated Muslims with "savages."

Having solved the problem of people not wasting enough time on the internet, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg is now tackling his first real-world political cause: immigration reform. With a slick new non-profit group funded by tech millionaires, Zuckerberg is rallying Silicon Valley's elite into a political force they hope might one day rival Wall Street. Zuckerberg's political moves are of a piece with his career as a tech mogul: hugely ambitious, painfully awkward, entirely self-interested, and surprisingly successful. And he's just getting started.

Eloise illustrator Hilary Knight is having an estate sale. Though Eloise is eternally a precocious six-year-old living atop the Plaza Hotel, she has superb taste, naturally. She is cultured and well-traveled. She has been to Paris and Moscow and the Bawth. She has an uncanny skill of naming pets. She loves dressing up. Oooh how Eloise would have loved this collection.

A Boeing 747 cargo plane crashed just after takeoff from Bagram Air Force Base in Afghanistan yesterday. There were eight crew members on board, and none of them survived. The entire crash was captured on the dash cam of an approaching vehicle. This is terrifying.

After a press conference this morning, assembled to address the crisis in Syria, the status of the federal budget cuts and the continuing Boston bomber investigation, President Obama returned to the podium to answer an encore question about Jason Collins coming out. A fan of both basketball and the gays, the president responded:

Anonymous posters on Greek Life forums have long swapped rumors about the horrific hazing at Young Harris College, a tiny private college up in Appalachia run by former Georgia Secretary of State and failed gubernatorial candidate Cathy Cox. Now, a potent new lawsuit alleges that YHC administrators turned a blind eye — and some even joined in the fun — as sorority members made rushees sit naked on washing machines while they marked the jiggling parts of their bodies, male pledges engaged in human centipede-style "elephant crawls" through freezing cold creeks, and students dropped out of classes due to the emotional and physical stress of participating in Greek Life.

Here is a screen capture of a real help wanted ad for an administrative assistant posted on New York City Craigslist by Sotheby's. The ad has been fixed now, presumably not by its original poster (click on the magnifying glass at the bottom to enlarge)

The David Petraeus comeback tour may lead the disgraced former general through the cleansing fires of high finance, where your alleged sins can be washed away with a few stellar exits. He has been making the rounds at a number of New York-based venture capital and private equity firms and one very knowledgeable source said Petraeus is slated to announce a relationship shortly.

Gather round, campers, turn down the lantern, and prepare for a story from our friends at Bloomberg. A story of two rich, good looking men, ripped by the claws of fortune and fate as they struggle to create a website for other rich people. This is a true story.