Get Out The %@$ing Eggnog, It's Christmastime At Home Depot

Look, losers. Stop studying that stupid textbook, it’s Christmastime. Yes, we know that college football just started and it’s the first day of Autumn. We don’t care. Buy a Christmas tree you lazy Grinch. Get your wallet out!

This photo of a Christmas tree display being constructed was was taken today, in New Jersey, where the high reached almost 90 degrees. (Thanks to Jason!)

Annoyed by Christmas Creep? Send your photos of Christmas crap getting in the way of Halloween to tips@consumerist.com with “Christmas Creep” in the subject.

Yeah, I’d call June or July Xmas creep, but the end of September? Xmas is only 3 months away. If you acknowledge that the day after Thanksgiving is the start of the Xmas season, then it’s only 2 months.

Have you ever made hollandaise sauce? It is very similar. You can pasteurize your eggs, by the way, by holding them at 140 degrees for at least 3.5 minutes. I do this in my crock pot with a digital thermometer. Place the eggs in warm water for about fifteen minutes to allow them to reach the same temperature as the water. Heat the water on WARM or LOW until the temperature reaches 140. Do not let it go over 142. Do not let it go under 140. Hold for 3.5 to 4 minutes, then cool the eggs in a bowl of cold water in the refrigerator.

By the way, if you liked doing this, try putting a good steak in a plastic bag, sucking all the air out, and holding it in the warm water at 140 for at least 2 or 3 hours. Then take the steak out of the bag, slap in on a hot pan just long enough to brown it on both sides, and enjoy the best perfect medium-rare steak you’ve ever eaten. This is called “sous vide”.

I use a half dozen egg yolks, a quart of cream, and between a quarter and a half cup of the natural sweetener xylitol. In the top of a double boiler, away from the heat, whisk the yolks with the xylitol, a few grinds of nutmeg, a pinch each of cinnamon and ginger, the scrapings of the inside of half a vanilla bean, a few tablespoons of cognac, a few tablespoons of Scotch, and a few tablespoons of dark rum (just for flavor, don’t overdo it if you are sensitive to sugar). Beat until all of the xylitol is dissolved and the yolks look like a fine-textured creamy light yellow foam. If you pasteurized your eggs or they came from a certified clean source, you can actually just proceed with adding the cream and spices now. But I like to heat the eggs to release the flavors of the liquors and the spices. Over boiling water, whisk the egg mixture gently just until it reaches 160 degrees. (Do not allow it to curdle or you will have scrambled eggnog.)

Immediately add a ladleful of cream and stir it in to stop the eggs cooking, and take the mixture off the boiling water. Stir until the cream is incorporated and smooth. Then mix in the rest of the quart of cream. (I use heavy whipping cream because it is the lowest in carbs, but you may use a lighter cream or even soymilk, commercial or made from silken tofu in a blender.) Pour the nog into a pitcher, cover it with Saran wrap, and chill it thoroughly.

I am attaching a open source copyright notice to this. Anyone who has ever been mean to fat people in the comment section of Consumerist is barred from using this recipe. Of course, you won’t mind, you dried-up, pleasureless curmudgeons; you don’t have anything but a dry martini for holiday dinner anyway, with the olive removed in case you gain two grams and don’t fit into your halo anymore.

Mmm-hmm. So is anything else, cooked improperly. Maintain good kitchen hygiene in the first place and don’t attempt to sous vide anything for the many hours that restaurants do (they have special equipment), and you’ll be fine.

Officially, I declare that no one is allowed to complain about how early Christmas is being put out unless it’s before early May. I worked at Hobby Lobby TWELVE YEARS ago, and when I started in August 1998 they already had a third of their Xmas stuff out, and it was a surprise then. The next year when late May came around, I said to myself, “Man, that was a surprise.. a YEAR ago.” Over a decade later and people are still getting bunched up briefs over Xmas stuff coming out in farking September. The only time I’m surprised about Xmas things going out in September is that someone is only just now starting.

Secondly — IT’S A STORE. They sell things. It’s tough to make a case against the dilution of Christmas with vast capitalist endeavors to sell sell sell, when you yourself govern your own ability to celebrate something. It’s like you’re suggesting your feelings are actually maintained by retail establishments. Do you not actually have control over your own feelings?

Even worse than Christmas Creep is when stores start pulling Christmas merchandise from shelves before the holiday arrives. Is there a term for describing when the holiday is over before it even begins?

Really, I don’t think it’s such a big deal when it’s the craft stores. That stuff takes time to do. It’s when the grocery stores have out their chocolate Santas and the radio stations switch to holiday music on November 1 that I start to get a bit twitchy about it.

Steal it! It’s absurdly simple. I’m a diabetic, so I make a low-carb nut flour cake for the base and homemade eggnog and sweeten it all with xylitol. But all you really need is a fluffy sponge cake, a quart of egg nog, some rum-and-nutmeg flavored sweetened whipped cream, and a little extra nutmeg for the top. Poke holes in the cake, pour the eggnog over it, and let it soak in the fridge overnight with Saran wrap on top. Spread with the whipped cream, sprinkle with nutmeg, and go. I don’t know why it isn’t everyone’s favorite Christmas party cake, really!

I am fine with this but my annoyance is that when I finally get around to putting up Christmas the 2nd week of December, I can’t find replacement light bulbs or clips etc since they have put everything on clearance and are out of almost everything.

Hmm, I might have to go buy some Christmas stuff now. Every time I’ve tried to actually buy Christmas lights in December, the local stores have all been completely sold out, and not expecting any restocking until ” sometime next year”.

Hobby Lobby in Houston has had their stuff out since mid August. Not just a little bit – a whole honkin’ quarter of the store was fully stocked with trees, lights, wrapping paper, ornaments — you name it — when it was 100 degrees outside.

My local Lowe’s was putting Christmas stuff out Sunday. Dollar General has the shelves cleared off and the diagrams showing where to put everything are taped to the shelves, so they should have ornaments, lights, etc. on sale by Friday. K-Mart usually has theirs out by now, but no sign of the trees yet. They normally have the trees on display next to the Halloween costume aisle; devils and witches on one side, Santas and reindeer on the other. I’m sure they’ll get it together by next week or so.

I would vote for that!
I could easily make it myself, but I buy it in cartons. I like the taste better. Then add the liquor, cinnamon, and a pinch of nutmeg to taste. Then all is well in my world for the rest of the night.

This is the first time an article from The Consumerist made me want to delete it from my bookmarks and never come back. Its common knowledge that the Holliday season in retail starts in August, and I’m shocked that because their stockrooms are so full of Halloween/Thanksgiving/Christmas stock to prepare for us consumers to go out and buy it (supply and demand people), that they have to justify displaying them on the floor early! Whats wrong with you!?!?

I don’t get why people have a problem with this. Are they forcing you to buy any of it? No. I don’t like hot weather. Does that mean I grumble and bitch and moan when, in February, I see stores starting to put out their shorts and lawnmowers and BBQ grills? No, because I am not an ultrasensitive whiner like so many people seem to be these days.

I was a visual manager for a retail store years ago, so I was in charge of setting up all the displays, including all the holiday stuff. Corporate would send us a complete instruction packet, including photos, diagrams, etc on how to set everything up. In order to get all this done in time for all the stores they had to pick a couple of stores to setup the christmas displays at the end of august/september. (Sometimes earlier).

My guess, is that Home Depot does the same type thing before all the other stores setup. Not saying that is the case here, but certainly a possibility.

I used to work at Lowe’s Home Improvement. I remember that I was put on the overnight shift in order to put up the Christmas stuff. This was the last week of September. It was a corporate mandate that all the Christmas stuff had to be out and for sale by October 1. I swear, it was hard to put up a Christmas tree and fake snow while there were flowers out in the Garden Center. Bah Fucking Humbug!

over 30 years ago: Xmas “started” the day after Thanksgiving.
20 yrs ago: Xmas started mid-November
15 yrs ago: Xmas started after Halloween (Nov 1-ish)
NOW: Xmas starts day after Labor Day
FUTURE: Xmas starts July 5th.