Sunday, March 09, 2008

The "Idea of EsonLinji"

I have an idea in my head. It is an idea of who I am. It is an idea built up during my youth and it probably crystalised somewhere around the end of high school and the start of university.

More and more though I think that the "Idea of EsonLinji" is both limited and incorrect. The "Idea of EsonLinji" is an individual who has a very limited range of social activities, mainly things stereotypically nerdish. An individual whose sole interest was his work, almost to the point of obsession. An individual who would not stop to smell the roses. An individual who had absolutely no interest in romance. An individual who barely lives.

The "Idea of EsonLinji" is also not who I am. The "Idea of EsonLinji" does not care about the clothes he wears. I do take some care with what I wear. I want to be more sociable. I occasionally stop and smell the roses. Work is not the be all end all of life, it is a means to enable me to do the other things in life I want to do. Romance, while I'm somewhat behind what might be considered a normal rate of progress, is something that is slowly becoming part of my life.

So the "Idea of EsonLinji" is a bad idea and an incorrect idea. And yet it continues to stick around in my mind. It is a big part of who I think I am. When put into a new situation, the first reactions that come into my mind are usually those of the "Idea of EsonLinji". One of the things that sometimes stops me from trying new things is that I think "I don't do that sort of thing". And it's usually the "Idea of EsonLinji" who says that. Most of the time when I try something new I have fun. But I still have this voice that holds me back.

So what I need to do is to update this "Idea of EsonLinji". But this seems to be a difficult thing to do. I can't just download a patch for my brain like I can for a computer. Rebooting people doesn't work.

I am however reluctant to change the "Idea of EsonLinji". When I think about who I am I think of the "Idea of EsonLinji". While limited and incorrect, it is a big part of how I see myself, and from there, the world. I feel like if I change the "Idea of EsonLinji" I'll lose who I am. I'm afraid I'll change into something I don't want to be. I want to make sure that any change is an incremental point release, not a whole new version. I want EsonLinji 1.1, not EsonLinji 2.0.

Another reason I am reluctant to change is that over time I have convinced myself that I don't really want those things I don't have. That social butterflies are just people who are vain and shallow. That people who go out drinking every night are idiots. That people who watch reality TV are uncultured barbarians. That people who have a strong belief or passion in anything are misguided or delusional. That romance was a perilous minefield in which the dangers and costs far outweighed the potential gains.

I know that these are over exaggerated generalizations. But these are part of the "Idea of EsonLinji"'s "Idea of the world". But now I'm in the awkward mental position of looking down on these things and wanting some of these things at the same time. I'd like to have a passion in life, something that made me want to get out of bed in the morning other than that I've been lying in bed for longer than any sensible person should. The fairer sex really do have a lot going for them. Drinking with friends cane be fun (but there are still some idiots who drink, but they tend to also be idiots when they don't drink). Reality TV is still the realm of the uncultured swine though.

Trying to incorporate these things is a challenge. I can see the need to incorporate some of these things into my self. But I am resistant to the idea of doing so. Indeed, I put roadblocks in the way of making progress in the matter. Man is perhaps the only creature that can sabotage it's own efforts.

So that is the problem. The solution is yet to come.

End PostWriting time: A few hours. It was originally written in "the deeply unfortunate doings of an ill-fated life"Time since last post: 5 daysCurrent media: Stephen Fry's Podgrams