My Story

From my Heart to Yours…

My First Big Tsunami of Grief

We all have a ‘life changing moment’ at some point in our lives. The moment from when our entire perspective on life changes.

For some it marks an ‘awakening’, the point from which the beauty of creation reveals itself and life takes on a whole new meaning.

For others it marks a decline into despair, the point from which the burdens of life are finally insurmountable.

Let me tell you that both are equally valid and right as per your experience…

For me, my LIFE CHANGING MOMENT was:

LOSING GEE – my sister Georgina

There were four of us sisters in total. We were all two years apart and very close. My parents migrated to Australia from Greece. They worked very hard, my father: 7 days a week – for many many years; just to provide for us – his beautiful daughters.

My sisters, nieces and I on my Wedding Day in 1998; yes I got the: ‘look at me I might be adopted from Iran’ genes…

With our parents busy working, we had to help out at home and stay close together. Of course there were those sisterly arguments – ‘borrowing’ clothing from each other without asking; sibling rivalry; comparing figures, teeth, boyfriends!

I was second in line and Gee was third. People always asked if we were twins since I was small for my age and she was tall for hers, making us the same height growing up. She was also my ‘shadow’ for many years, always wanting to come to parties I was invited to, or wanting a cake cut for her too when it was my birthday! But it never bothered me, I loved having her as my faithful shadow – I always wanted to protect her and my younger sister Joanne; from the inescapable horror of the paramedics, police and consoling that abounds in homes fraught with domestic violence.

That was the role I played during my childhood and well into my adulthood. The ultimate ‘I’m resilient’ protector.

So when the knock on the door came at 7:30am, Sunday, 21st October, my protective shield crumbled in its utter and final failure.

My parents were at our door with two detectives, asking if my then husband, could accompany the detectives and my father to the morgue because there was a boating accident with a female fatality and one surviving male with severe injuries in hospital.

‘But she doesn’t really like boats’ I found myself uttering, suppressing the gut-wrenching sobs stirring deep in my being.

You see, her car was at the boat ramp which is how they concluded that perhaps it was her.

My mother was a nervous wreck of course. I kept consoling her and saying ‘Don’t be silly Mum, it cant be her – she doesn’t even like boats!’

And then there was the mystery of her 10 year old daughter Stephanie – where was she? Had she been on the boat too? How to find her? Calling everyone, asking if they knew where she was.

The waiting was the worst. Waiting for them to get back from the morgue. My father called me when we were still at my place with Mum. He said your in-laws will pick up your kids; you’d better start driving down to our place’.

So it was, I had to drive down to my parents with just my mother and I in the car; driving for 30 minutes in suppression; suppression of my urge to howl in front of my mother, trying to ‘stay strong’ for her and reassuring her that it just cant be Gee, she doesn’t even like boats… Always the strong protector once again…

I was thinking how devastating this would be for my parents – the two people who struggled so much and worked so hard to give us a good life and a good start.

So we got to Mums.. And there we were: Mum, Joanne (my younger sister), Angel (my 16 year old niece visiting from Greece) and I. Waiting for an answer while our stomachs churned. Waiting for them to get back from the morgue.

Then we heard him. It was my father. We heard his sobbing as he was coming up the footpath to the front door.

It was at this moment that we realized our stories were changed for good. It was our Gee lying there in that morgue. Gone just like that: 34 years of age. A life cut short. A motherless child in her wake…

It was at this horrifying moment I saw the true depth of a mother’s grief. It was at this moment I watched my mother fall to the ground, pulling at her clothing, wailing, howling, uttering heart-wrenching words that cut through to your core. Words like ‘My child! No! Not my child! Why God why! Why my child! Gee! Gee! Come back! Gee where are you? Come back. Stephanie needs you. Come back! My child – flesh of my flesh – bring her back! Katrina, Joanne – bring her back. I want her back. Bring her back!‘.

And so the enormity of our grief emerged through the black cloud of October 21st 2007

We had to tell our eldest sister Marea too. Who to do it? She was and still is living overseas on a small island in Greece. Angel called her – it was 4am – we startled her awake. My aunty Lillian and Angel relayed the tragedy: Marea’s screams, her wailing, made heavier even more by the great distance between us… To make it even worse, her circumstances prevented her from being with us throughout the gruesome funeral proceedings.

The Greek custom during times of grief is paying one’s respects by visiting the bereaved. People flocked to my parent’s house daily for weeks. Hundreds of people. Relatives, friends, acquaintances.

A never ending stream of well-meaning mourners reminding us of our unrelenting loss.

Every time someone entered the room my Mum would start again with her heart-wrenching words. Those haunting words that carried the deepest depth of despair I’d ever experienced. And our reality would arise again in its entirety.

We could not escape it

We were facing a future without our sister/daughter and worse still, watching a child grow up without her mother.

To make matters worse Stephanie’s father was estranged after his second marriage. We did try calling him but were told that he could not accommodate her – in fact – he never wanted her to contact him again. He said when he was ready, he would contact her. That was several years ago. We have never heard from him since. Stephanie was an orphan, abandoned by her father and orphaned by her mother. My parents were to take custody of her, with my sister and I alternating weekends to help out. It was the best arrangement we could all make with our circumstances as they were; her father’s responsibility absorbed entirely by my sexagenarian parents – with a little help from us; for the prospect of putting her into foster care was irreconcilable…

And on top of it all, my marriage was falling apart because of it – the suffering too much to bear for my husband – and who could blame him? This was HUGE!

More heartache – the legal process!

One year after the accident, the driver was charged with culpable navigation causing death. Six months later (exactly two years after the accident) the driver was trialled by jury. After two long grueling weeks of listening to every detail of the accident from every perspective including: 10 witnesses, two biomechanics experts, the forensic physician, the detectives on the case, a mechanical expert, two biomechanical experts and the doctors on duty the night of the accident – the accused was found guilty by the jury. Nine months later he was sentenced to 3.5 years imprisonment.

More grief

For anyone that’s lost someone – you realise that

the loss stirs up ALL THE PREVIOUS LOSSES

throughout your life.

My first child Sammi was born premature and still born in September 1998 and so I grieved for the child I never had – all the lost hopes and dreams; and for me: the woman who went home with breasts full of milk but no baby…

My childhood was fraught with sexual molestation (as well as emotional and verbal abuse) – so I grieved the loss of that little girl whose sacred innocent trust was betrayed and crushed;

I grieved for the part of my childhood robbed by domestic violence;

I grieved the future I will never have with my sister...;

I grieved the loss of my marriage…

I even began grieving for the collective – the disregard, dismissal and disrespect of the entire female principle be it via the abuse of planet Earth, animals, forests; or disregarding the sacredness of women by objectively showcasing their bodies, distorting their sense of sexuality (and mens’!) from little girls and so on..

I could go on but I won’t – because it is no-one’s ‘fault’, it just IS!

But, little did I know the opportunity for transformation grief provided!

by Katrina Loukas

A year after losing Gee, in late 2008, I slowly began to stir from the slumber of my foggy, hazy grief…

The birds. They were the catalyst!

Chirping away more sweetly than ever before outside my bedroom window; and the sounds! the sounds of the relentless motion of life playing an hitherto unappreciated symphony; and my hand! my hand a perfectly formed hand! And the smell – the sweetest scent of spring was wafting into my bedroom..

Slowly I began to realise I was never going to see life quite the same way ever again…

Because I could not shrug off what I was experiencing. It would not go away! I was experiencing the fact that: my life on this planet was a big long ‘holiday’! A holiday full of human experiences for the purpose of I didn’t know what.

But by jolly I said to myself, no more suffering! If I’m on holiday I’m sure as hell not going to miss out on experiences and opportunities to explore and indulge while I’m here. No more seeing things in stupor. No more accepting things that don’t gel with me no matter who I’m talking to!

SLOWLY BUT SURELY, I CHOSE LIFE!

I realised my whole life I’d been numb to the full possibility of experience – but no more.

My grief had transformed me!

It had shattered the lifelong slumber infused by compliance and conformity…

I began to feel sheer AUTHENTIC gratitude to everyone and everything. And of course to my sister, for ‘sacrificing’ her ‘holiday’ for our transformation. You see, even grief – or rather loss – from this platform, is experienced differently.

Quantum physics tells us everything exists as waves of possibility. And it truly is a POWERFUL realisation when you understand the POTENTIAL of PURE EXISTENCE.

Now, almost 8 years later, I’m still LIVING MY LIFELONG HOLIDAY. Not necessarily lying on a beach, sun-baking; but living as a co-creator of life; and receiving all my experiences with an awareness of a larger reality beyond this one.

Discovering that the ‘Awakening Process’ has no end point…

Since 2008, I have had many shifts, realisations, ‘initiations’ (see my Sage Mystery School for more info on what I mean by that…).

Most of all I’ve discovered the delights in

EXPANSION, EXPRESSION AND EXPERIENCE.

This has truly a magical way to relate to people, especially my clients – I never feel like the ‘therapist’ who needs to have all the answers! Instead, I effortlessly sit in total and utter full compassion and acceptance of my clients – seeing their journey and them as an ‘other’ version of my self; and from here fully TRUSTING IN THEIR INNER WISDOM TO SHOW US THE WAY.

This is such a deep form of connection that is truly transformational and I hope with all my heart you get to experience it in your lifetime because you my dear LIMITLESS POTENTIAL BEARER, deserve this..

– when I chop veggies, or shout at my children, when I cry, or when I laugh: I’m

blissfuly excited that I

– a being of consciousness –

am able to experience myself in this format –

with a voice and body and everything!

Dear LIMITLESS POTENTIAL BEARER,

THIS IS AWAKENING & ENLIGHTENMENT

– TO ALLOW YOURSELF TO INDULGE IN YOUR HUMANITY AS AN EXPRESSION OF PURE DIVINITY.

No stress, no worry, no pain –

not because your life is immune to it all! –

but because your INNER EXPERIENCE EMBRACES IT ALL!

My children and I in September 2014

And I’ll share with you a BIG secret; SSSHHHH!..

When you choose SACRED LIVING, you open up to a new world of experiencing:

SACRED SEXUALITY – ORGANICALLY

(so no need to necessarily go to tantra ‘classes’ or ‘workshops’, it comes naturally to you!)

Experiences from here are truly amazing.

Oh, and one more thing, one day soon I will share with you my powerful and transformative

TWIN FLAME experience

But this is sacred and secret – and again, not always smooth-sailing let me tell you! Ahhhh, but this IS what I asked for – full-volume earth experience...

So, if you are interested in reading about this, please register your interest as I am writing an e-book on it (it’s really not for public posting at this point in time lol). Receive 15% discount for registering before completion..

BUT BE WARNED, it is NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED…

However, it will fill you in on:

the organic nature of it, the magical way it feels, the experiences, the highs, the lows; and most importantly – how I consciously used the whole experience to EXPAND and TRANSFORM me even more..

So now you know my story

And you know its big; and intense. And the only reason I’ve spilled it all out is for YOU. So you feel validated, and hopeful that you too can overcome all your adversity; and for you to know that:

I GET YOU! I GET IT! BECAUSE I’VE EXPERIENCED SO MUCH OF IT!

And I’m here, standing and breathing and even more so – flying! Without drugs or mental illness. So yes – I still am the RESILIENT PROTECTOR – but now I use this quality consciousl; and FOR MY BENEFIT TOO. Because if I don’t, then who will?

Oh and listen up, let me tell you this:

My story and I no longer share any energy together whatsoever!!!

There is no more pain, no more heaviness, no more fogginess – around it.

I have transcended it, transmuted it – into EXPANDING ME

– so that I embrace a higher level of consciousness; and am committed to continuing to do so.

I consciously used my story to give me wings. Now as I fly, unbound by ANYTHING – free to EMERGE as I please –