Dear dad , Part IV: Will you regret that you haven’t bothered?

When I walk in the door, you only ever greet me with a frown or a grunt. I don’t think you have ever asked me how I am or how my day was.

You don’t know what I do in my life and you show literally zero interest to want to know. I refuse to include you in my life because it’s nothing but pain, criticism, negativity, disregard and disrespect.

After all these years of abuse that has ultimately lead to you being excluded from the love and care within the rest of our family, you still play the victim and can’t admit that this is the result of your own disgraceful and inhumane behaviour towards your own family.

I wish I had had a positive, male role model in my life that I could have looked up to, but to tell you the truth, the only things that you have taught me are: to never, ever end up remotely similar to you; and to fear settling with a man who would make me as miserable as you have made my Mum. I will never forgive you for the way that you’ve broken her; the most important, most selfless person in my life. And I will never forgive you for forever shaking my trust in humankind.

So now I move on in my life to a stage where I can physically cut you from my world and when I’m gone I can’t even imagine wondering about you. The thought makes me feel slightly sad, but I have to remind myself that relationships don’t go one-way, and if you cared enough about me, you would have made the effort to make amends while I was around. I do wonder if you will regret that, though.

I feel relief that I won’t be around you, but I know that the scars and painful memories will always be there.

WitheringTulip

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2 Comments on “Dear dad , Part IV: Will you regret that you haven’t bothered?”

I suspect the answer to the question posed in the title is a simple “yes”. Unfortunately, many, many people don’t know how to bridge that silent ache from their heart to someone else’s. And so they close down more, shut in more, ignore more, distance more. Most people do not want to look at themselves. They do not want to accept responsibility. And they will die old, and alone, and miserable. They regret it though, I’m sure. I’d like to say no-one is that heartless. But I guess there are a few. You’re not one of them though. And you don’t need to become that. Stay warm, stay compassionate, stay giving, stay kind. Give yourself those things as much as you give them to anyone else, maybe moreso. You deserve it. Be your own hero. xo.

I often think so too – that they’ll live with regret & I feel sad for him for that (NO idea why I should, but i do). I understand how you can get so used to being/doing something one way that it’s just too strange to change. If I’m really honest with myself, I don’t actually want a relationship with him NOW because it would just be strange after all these years. Having anything other than how it is would be uncomfortable and awkward. That’s not to say that it doesn’t hurt, or that I don’t wish things were different, but it just feels far beyond repair (coupled with the fact that he isn’t actually willing to change) and I’ve accepted & made peace with that for the benefit of myself.

And thanks – I hope I’m not too. I try hard to stay in check with myself so as not to be anything like he is. But sometimes the more you try to avoid things, the more you tend to gravitate towards it, which scares the crap out of me. Thanks for your inspiring words xx