Everything I want to do is illegal. As if a highly bureaucraticregulatory system was not already in place, 9/11 fueled renewedacceleration to eliminate freedom from the countryside. Every time aletter arrives in the mail from a federal or state agriculturedepartment my heart jumps like I just got sent to the principal's office.

And it doesn't stop with agriculture bureaucrats. It includes allsorts of government agencies, from zoning, to taxing, to foodinspectors. These agencies are the ultimate extension of adisconnected, Greco-Roman, Western, egocentric, compartmentalized,reductionist, fragmented, linear thought process.

ON-FARM PROCESSING

I want to dress my beef and pork on the farm where I've coddled andraised it. But zoning laws prohibit slaughterhouses on agriculturalland. For crying out loud, what makes more holistic sense than to putabattoirs where the animals are? But no, in the wisdom of Westerndisconnected thinking, abattoirs are massive centralized facilitiesvisited daily by a steady stream of tractor trailers and illegal alienworkers.

But what about dressing a couple of animals a year in the backyard?How can that be compared to a ConAgra or Tyson facility? In the eyesof the government, the two are one and the same. Every T-bone steakhas to be wrapped in a half-million dollar facility so that it can besold to your neighbor. The fact that I can do it on my own farm morecleanly, more responsibly, more humanely, more efficiently, and in amore environmentally friendly manner doesn't matter to the governmentagents who walk around with big badges on their jackets andwheelbarrow-sized regulations tucked under their arms.

OK, so I take my animals and load them onto a trailer for the firsttime in their life to send them up the already clogged interstate tothe abattoir to await their appointed hour with a shed full of animalsof dubious extraction. They are dressed by people wearing long coatswith deep pockets with whom I cannot even communicate. The carcasseshang in a cooler alongside others that were not similarly cared for inlife. After the animals are processed, I return to the facility hopingto retrieve my meat.

When I return home to sell these delectable packages, the countyzoning ordinance says that this is a manufactured product because itexited the farm and was reimported as a value-added product, therebythrowing our farm into the Wal-Mart category, another prohibition inagricultural areas. Just so you understand this, remember that anon-farm abattoir was illegal, so I took the animals to a legalabattoir, but now the selling of said products in an on-farm store isillegal.

Our whole culture suffers from an industrial food system that has madeevery part disconnected from the rest. Smelly and dirty farms aresupposed to be in one place, away from people, who snuggle smugly intheir cul-de-sacs and have not a clue about theout-of-sight-out-of-mind atrocities being committed to their dinnerbefore it arrives in microwaveable, four-color-labeled, plasticpackaging. Industrial abattoirs need to be located in anot-in-my-backyard place to sequester noxious odors and sights.Finally, the retail store must be located in a commercial districtsurrounded by lots of pavement, handicapped access, public toilets andwhatever else must be required to get food to people.

The notion that animals can be raised, processed, packaged, and soldin a model that offends neither our eyes nor noses cannot evenregister on the average bureaucrat's radar screen — or, moreimportantly, on the radar of the average consumer advocacyorganization. Besides, all these single-use megalithic structures aregood for the gross domestic product. Anything else is illegal.

ON-FARM SEMINARS & `AGRITAINMENT'

In the disconnected mind of modem America, a farm is a production unitfor commodities — nothing more and nothing less. Because our land iszoned as agricultural, we cannot charge school kids for a tour of thefarm because that puts us in the category of "Theme Park." Anyonepaying for infotainment creates "Farmadisney," a strict no-no inagricultural zones.

Farms are not supposed to be places of enjoyment or learning. They arecommodity production units dotting the landscape, just as factoriesare manufacturing units and office complexes are service units. In thegovernment's mind, integrating farm production with recreation andmeaningful education creates a warped sense of agriculture.

The very notion of encouraging people to visit farms is blasphemous toan official credo that views even sparrows, starlings and flies asdisease threats to immunocompromised plants and animals. Visitorsentering USDA-blessed production unit farms must run through agauntlet of toxic sanitation dips and don moonsuits in order to keeptheir germs to themselves. Indeed, people are viewed as hazardousforeign bodies at Concentrated Animal Feeding Operations (CAFOs).

Farmers who actually encourage folks to come to their farms threatenthe health and welfare of their fecal concentration camp productionunit neighbors, and therefore must be prohibited from bringing theseinvasive germ-dispensing humans onto their landscape. In theindustrial agribusiness paradigm, farms must be protected from people,not to mention free-range poultry.

The notion that animals and plants can be raised in such a way thattheir enhanced immune system protects them from kindergarteners'germs, and that the animals actually thrive when marinated in humanattention, never enters the minds of government officials dedicated toprotecting precarious production units.

COLLABORATIVE MARKETING

I have several neighbors who produce high-quality food or crafts thatcomplement our own meat and poultry. Dried flower arrangements fromone artisan, pickles from another, wine from another, and first-classvegetables from another. These are just for starters.

Our community is blessed with all sorts of creative artisans who offerproducts that we would love to stock in our on-farm retail venue.Doesn't it make sense to encourage these customers driving out fromthe city to be able to go to one farm to do their rural browsing/purchasing rather than drive all over the countryside? Furthermore,many of these artisans have neither the desire nor time to deal withpatrons one-on-one. A collaborative venue is the most win-win,reasonable idea imaginable — except to government agents.

As soon as our farm offers a single item — just one — that is notproduced here, we have become a Wal-Mart. Period. That means abusiness license, which isbasically another layer of taxes on ourgross sales. The business license requires a commercial entrance,which on our country road is almost impossible to acquire due tosight-distance requirements and width regulations. Of course, zoningprohibits businesses in our agricultural zones. Remember, people aresupposed to be kept away from agricultural areas — people bring diseases.

Even if we could comply with all of the above requirements, a retailoutlet carries with it a host of additional regulations. We mustprovide designated handicapped parking, government-approved toiletfacilities (our four household bathrooms in the two homes located 50feet away from the retail building do not count) — and it can't be acomposting toilet. We must offer x-number of parking spaces. Folks, itjust goes on and on, ad nauseum, and all for simply trying to help aneighbor sell her potatoes or extra pumpkins at Thanksgiving. Ithought this was the home of the free. In most countries of the world,anyone can sell any of this stuff anywhere, and the hungering hordesare glad to get it, but in the great U.S. of A we're too sophisticatedto allow such bioregional commerce.

EMPLOYING LOCAL YOUNGSTERS & INTERNS

Any power tool — including a cordless screwdriver — cannot be operatedby people under the age of 18. We have lots of requests from folkswanting to come as interns, but what do we call them? The governmenthas no category for interns or neighbor young people who just want tolearn and help out.

We'd love to employ all the neighboring young people. To ourchild-awning and worshiping culture, the only appropriate childactivity is recreation, sitting in a desk, or watching TV. That's it.That's the extent of what children are good for. Anything else isabusive and risky.

Then we wonder why these kids grow up unmotivated and bored with life.Our local newspaper is full of articles and letters to the editorlamenting the lack of things for young people to do. Let me suggest afew things: digging postholes and building a fence, weeding thegarden, planting some tomatoes, splitting some wood, feeding thechickens, washing eggs, pruning grapevines, milking the cow, buildinga compost pile, growing some earthworms.

These are all things that would be wonderfully meaningful workexperience for the youth of our community, but you can't simply employpeople anymore. A host of government regulatory paperwork surroundsevery "could you come over and help us . . . ?" By the time anemployer complies with every Occupational Safety & HealthAdministration requirement, posts every government bulletinrequirement, with-holds taxes, and shoulders Unemployment Compensationburdens and medical and child safety regulations — he or she can'thire anybody legally or profitably.

The government has no pigeonhole for this: "I'm a 17-year-oldhome-schooler, and I want to learn how to farm. Could I come and haveyou mentor me for a year?"

What is this relationship? A student? An employee? If I pay a stipend,the government says he's an employee. If I don't pay, the Fair LaborStandards board says it's slavery, which is illegal. Doesn't matterthat the young person is here of his own volition and is happy to livein a tee-pee. Housing must be permitted and up to code. Enoughalready. What happened to the home of the free?

BUILD A HOUSE THE WAY I WANT

You would think that if I cut the trees, mill the logs into lumber,and build the house on my own farm, I could make it however I wantedto. Think again. It's illegal to build a house less than 900 squarefeet. Period. Doesn't matter if I'm a hermit or the father of 20. Thegovernment agents have decreed, in their egocentric wisdom, that nohuman can live in anything less than 900 square feet.

Our son got married last year and wanted to build a small cottage onthe farm, which he now oversees for the most part. Our new saying is,"He runs the farm, and I just run around." The plan was to do what Momand Dad did for Teresa and I — trade houses when children come. Thatway our empty nest downsizes, and the young people can upsize in themain family farmhouse. Sounds reasonable and environmentally sensitiveto me. But no, his little honeymoon cottage — or our retirement shack— had to be a 900-square-foot Taj Mahal. A state-of-the-art accreditedcomposting toilet to avoid the need for a septic system and sewerleach field was denied.

When the hillside leach field would not meet agronomic standards andwe had to install it in the floodplain, I asked the health departmentbureaucrat why. He said that essentially the only approvable leachfields now are alongside creeks and streams, because they are the onlysites that offer dark-enough colored soils. Sounds like realenvironmental steward-ship, doesn't it?

Look, if I want to build a yurt of rabbit skins and go to the bathroomin a compost pile, why is it any of the government's business?Bureaucrats bend over back-wards to accredit, tax credit, and offermoney to people wanting to build pig city-factories or biggerairports. But let a guy go to his woods, cut down some trees, andbuild himself a home, and a plethora of regulatory tyrants descend onthe project to complicate, obfuscate, irritate, frustrate, andvirtually terminate. I think it's time to eradicate some of these lawsand the piranhas who administer them.

OPTING OUT OF THE SYSTEM

I don't ask for a dime of government money. I don't ask for governmentaccreditation. I don't want to register my animals with a globalpositioning tattoo. I don't want to tell officials the names of myconstituents. And I sure as the dickens don't intend to hand over myfirearms. I can't even use the "U" word.

On every side, our paternalistic culture is tightening the noosearound those of us who just want to opt out of the system — and it isthe freedom to opt out that differentiates tyrannical and free societies.

How a culture deals with its misfits reveals its strength. Thestronger a culture, the less it fears the radical fringe. The moreparanoid and precarious a culture, the less tolerance it offers.

When faith in our freedom gives way to fear of our freedom, thensilencing the minority view becomes the operative protocol. The NativeAmericans silenced after Little Big Horn simply wanted to

worship in their beloved Black Hills, use traditional medicinal herbsto cure diseases, educate their children in the ways of theirancestors, and live in portable homes rather than log cabins. By thattime these people represented absolutely no threat to the continuedWesternization and domination of the North American continent bypeople who educated, vocated, medicated, worshiped, and habitateddifferently.

But coexistence was out of the question. Just like the forces thatsucceeded in making it illegal for me to use the "O" word, the Westernsuccess at Wounded Knee quashed the little guy. What does the OrganicTrade Association have to fear from me using the "O" word? If societyreally wants government certification, my little market share willcontinue to deteriorate into oblivion. If, however, the certificationeffort represents a same-old, same-old power grab by the elitists toexterminate the fringe play-ers, it is merely another example of fearreplacing faith.

Faith in what? Faith in diversity. Faith in each other. Faith inpeople's ability to self-educate, thereby making informed decisions.Faith in seekers to find answers. Faith in marketplace dynamics toreward integrity and not cheating. Faith in Creation to heal. Faith inhealthy plants and animals to withstand epizootics. Faith inearthworms to increase fertility. Faith in communities to functionefficiently and honorably without centralized beltway interference.Faith in Acres U.S.A. to arrive every month with a cornucopia ofinsight and information.

Our culture's current fear of bioterrorism shows the glaring weaknessof a centralized, immunodeficient food system. This weakness leads tofear. Demanding from on high that we irradiate all food, registerevery cow with government agencies, and hire more inspectors does notshow strength. It shows fear.

Indeed, official policy views all these minority production andmarketing systems that have been shown faithful over the centuries tobe instead things that threaten everyone and everything. As a teepeedwelling, herb healing, home educating, people loving, compostbuilding retail farmer, I represent the real answers, but real answersmust be eradicated by those who seek to build their power and fortuneson a lie — the lie being that genetic integrity can be maintained whencorporate scientists begin splicing DNA. The lie that, as CharlesWalters says, toxic rescue chemistry is better than a balancedbiological bath. The lie that farms are disease-prone, unfriendly,inhumane places and should be zoned away from people.

Those of us who would aspire to opt out — both consumers and producers— must pray for enough cleverness to circumvent the system until thesystem cannot sustain itself. Cycles happen. Because things are thisway today does not mean they will be this way next year. Hurrah for that.

Often, the greatest escapes occur at the moment the noose becomestightest. I'm feeling the rope, and it's not very loose. Society seemsbound and determined to hang me for everything I want to do. Butthere's power in truth. And for sure, surprises are in store that may make

society shake its collective head and begin to question some seeminglyunalterable doctrines. Doctrines like the righteousness of thebureaucrat. The sanctity of government research. The protection of theFood Safety and Inspection Service. The helpfulness of the USDA.

When that day comes, you and I can graciously offer our society honestfood, honest ecology, honest stewardship. May the day come quickly.

Acres U.S.A. is the national journal of sustainable agriculture,standing virtually alone with a real track record — over 30 years ofcontinuous publication. Each issue is packed full of informationecoconsultants regularly charge top dollar for. You'll be keptup-to-date on all of the news that affects agriculture — regulations,discoveries, research updates, organic certification issues, and more.