Open Letter to Charlie Strong

Illustration by Tony Healy

DEAR COACH,

College football season kicks off this month, and with your first game leading the Longhorns just a few weeks away (Aug. 30 versus North Texas, to be exact), you must have a lot of tasks on your to-do list. Forget about that list. We have the only to-do list with which you need to concern yourself. You can thank us later.

WIN
This is obvious or else you would still be at Louisville. Since the start of the 2010 season, the Horns are 30-21. The max should be two losses per season—preferably none. Texas fans don’t get excited about finishing fourth in their division, unlike the fans of another school in this state.

PLAY BY THE RULES
Cheating will lead to immediate termination. (Exception: Texas joins the SEC.)

WIN
The goal is a national championship every other year. After all, “We’re Texas!”

RECRUIT HIGH-CHARACTER PLAYERS
Fans want players who execute with the ruthless efficiency of the Navy SEALs on Saturday afternoon and then sing in the church choir on Sunday morning. This is non-negotiable.

WIN
Do it not for the fans but for the Longhorn Network’s programming department. There are only so many times LHN can replay the 2006 Rose Bowl.

CHANNEL YOUR INNER SABAN
You’re cool, Coach, but we’d like to see you demonstrate the fiery intensity of Nick Saban, the offensive ingenuity of Gus Malzahn, the recruiting prowess of Art Briles and the folksy charm of Mack Brown. And we’d like to see this by Week 2. Capisce?

WIN
Just in case you didn’t get the message.

And if you could solve Austin’s traffic problems, that would be awesome, too.