I woke up at 5:30 this AM wondering if I should get out of bed or if I should try to get a half hour more sleep. I felt great at 5:30. I should have gotten out of bed. I feel back asleep, and I woke up a little after 6:00 feeling horrible.

I have dreams of all kinds. Most aren't terrible. In fact, I usually look forward to dreams. But when I wake up crying due to a dream I can't remember, that disturbs me. That's how I woke up this morning. My aunt calls them emotional flashbacks. They don't make sense to me.

I don't remember what I was dreaming about. I wish I did. At least then I could try to understand it. After three great days in a row, I guess I'm due to struggle a bit.

I have a therapy session today at 1:00. For now, it's time to get ready for work. Most days, I have to remind myself of the mantra "one day at a time." Today, I'm finding the mantra "one minute at a time" to be a necessary mindset.

Bryan

_________________________Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs nowIs some new words of wisdomLike la la la la la la la la la.-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

In my daughter's anatomy class they learned that our bodies actually produce a chemical that inhibits our ability to remember dreams. Which makes a certain amount of sense.

For the most part I am thankful I do not remember all of my dreams. But as you have said...it is in the later stages of sleep...when I am perhaps less tired...that I tend to have the strangest dreams it seems like.

I think of dreams as the way our bodies process emotional stuff from the day. So it only makes a certain amount of sense that if you are actively working on these things that dreams will be kicked into high gear.

Is asking "why" I feel something...as important as asking, "What am I feeling?" You think?

"What am I feeling" is a good place to start. My problem is, if I can't learn to understand why I'm feeling the way I do, the feelings never go away. They just stay there in the same overwhelming capacity threatening to overtake me.

But when I ask, "what am I feeling?" the answer is simply that I do not know. "Horrible" is the best way I can describe it. Yes, there is sadness, but since sadness is a new one to me, I actually like feeling it. I feel like I'm making progress when I feel sadness. I don't like feeling the way I feel right now, and I most certainly don't feel like I'm making any progress.

Bryan

_________________________Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs nowIs some new words of wisdomLike la la la la la la la la la.-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Physically, I am safe. I have no aspirations to harm myself, and I have no known threats from anyone.

Emotionally? I don't feel safe emotionally. I kept telling myself that I have to buck down, hold it in, prepare for work. That made it worse.

I don't want to rationalize anything away, either. I want it to form something concrete that I can focus on.

I need to edit this to explain. It's not that I don't feel safe emotionally. It's more that I don't feel safe about feeling my emotions. I don't know if "safe" is even the right word. Maybe the word I'm looking for is "right". I don't feel right about feeling my emotions.

Edited by BJK (08/08/0709:22 AM)

_________________________Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs nowIs some new words of wisdomLike la la la la la la la la la.-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

One thing I'd like to add is that whatever you are feeling, it's OK to feel that way. There are reasons behind every one of those feelings, as once you understand those reasons things will get better. In the meantime, go ahead and give yourself permission to feel that way, and don't beat yourself up because you think your feelings are stupid, or that they make you weak. None of that is true.

Whatever you are feeling is 'right' for you. It may not always be pleasant, but it is the one undenyable truth; our feelings are our own and nobody can tell us they are wrong. Accepting that may give you that 'something concrete' you can focus on.

Best of luck to you, my friend. Stay safe.

Ric

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

Today is the first time since I began my recovery that I almost relapsed back into addiction. One phone call is all it would take for me to get high. One phone call and $50 would keep me high through the weekend.

Instead, I went back to sleep. Is it possible to be addicted to sleep? I had lots of dreams, but none of them were icky. When I woke up again, the icky feeling was still there.

"Our feeling are our own and nobody can tell us they are wrong" is a pretty powerful sentence, and yes, it does give me a little bit of concrete substance to hold on to. However, I need to be able to answer this question: what the hell is this new icky emotion? It goes back to Dave's question: "what am I feeling?"

I just don't know.

Bryan

_________________________Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs nowIs some new words of wisdomLike la la la la la la la la la.-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Bryan, I can't answer that for you, you'll have to figure that one out for yourself. Step back and take a good hard look at it. What does it feel like? How is it similar to things I've felt before. How is it different? Then drag it out into the sunlight and see if it shrivels up in the light of day.

Give that a try!

Ric

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

I think the key word on this is "feeling". We have blocked so much of our ability to "feel" as our minds re-wired the normal responses to things in it's effort to protect us.

I can honestly say that prior to getting into this recovery process, I had allowed myself to feel nothing. Yes, I faked being happy, but really had no idea what that meant. So as we start digging into this stuff, we start to force the issues, and force ourselves to "feel". Man, does it ever hurt sometimes.

What keeps me moving forward, is knowing deep down, that if we can allow these bad things to be "felt", it will open the doors for all the good "feelings" that have also been blocked for so long.

As to the dreams, I can echo your situation. I sleep soundly most of the night, but tend to wake up a couple of hours before the alarm clock goes off. It is in those two hours, that my nightmares have presented themselves. Most times, I wake up on my belly, soaked in sweat, my arms tucked in tightly to my sides, my fists clenched tightly, as if I'm trying to protect my body from anyone being able to get to it. I know where it comes from now, and I understand it, but it doesn't make it any easier when I wake up that way.

Keep writing, keep posting, keep looking deep into yourself. While this brings things we don't really want to see or feel, it is the work that paves the way for the rest of the good things that are ours to experience as we heal, and no longer leave the power and pain that our abuse caused to be in control of us.

Best wishes and warmest regards,Scott

_________________________
I'm here for a reason. Failure is not an option.

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