Thursday, June 30, 2011

Day by Day

"Victory belongs to the most persevering." Napoleon Bonaparte.

So apparently me telling my boss to, "suck my dick," didn't go over so well with my company's human resources department, being that they suspended me for five days without pay. The real kicker was the letter telling me that if any (stress induced, mind you) outbursts occur again I will be, "subject to immediate termination and removal from the payroll." Now, I haven't gotten into how insanely stressful and poorly managed my company is, but take my word when I say you wouldn't believe some of the stories I could tell you about this place. Trouble is that with my triple diagnosis of PTSD, Anxiety Adjustment Disorder and Panic/Paranoia Disorder, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Now I'm not listing these diagnoses to try and make some sort of excuse here, before all these doctors I honestly just thought I was fucking nuts (see every other post I've written for further reference on that subject). The thing is, before all these new co-pays and, "uh, about half hour to forty five minutes behind schedule," doctors, I had no idea how to help deal with what was happening in my mind. For a long time I treated it with drugs and drinking, which gradually evolved into an anger outburst issue...the ,"suspended for five days without pay," type. Now that I'm on low-dose medication, thinking before I speak and learning to cope with stress, things have gotten better.

I spent that week off readjusting my attitude and preparing myself for the bombardment of stress that would be coming my way when I came back, but let me be clear, I did all that so I would be ready for battle. They expected me to return with the same arguments and the same negative attitude, but they were wrong. I was ready for them. I know I have to be their "yes man," but if that's what it takes then so be it. Since I came back last Thursday I have worked every single day (unpaid weekends, mind you) and busted my ass while keeping my cool and proving them wrong...at least for now.

Today I went into the HR guy's office to hand in my 401K paperwork and mentioned to him that I had a good week and had adjusted my attitude as instructed. He told me, "It's a day by day process for you," meaning, "If you fuck up tomorrow, your ass is history." So be it, I knew I was stepping back into the fire at 7:00 AM last Thursday and I knew it wasn't gonna change anytime soon.

Like I said, I spent that week off preparing for battle and readying my mind. I plan on keeping this red-alert in my mind for as long as it takes, they will not get the best of me, I will not allow them. The point is, they will not beat me, I will not be defeated and maybe I'll win them over in the process.

But please let me make this very clear one last time, they will not beat me...they will not fucking beat me.