'Dancing with the Stars': Story telling night

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It's "Every Dance Must Tell a Story" week on "Dancing with the Stars." The bar was set very high last season when Kate Gosselin gave a tour de force performance as Boris Karloff, in character as Frankenstein, dancing to the Lady Gaga tune "Paparazzi." Can any of this season's celebrities hope to top that?

This season's front-runner Jennifer Grey and partner Derek Hough kick things off with a samba. The story: An English schoolboy in a school where the teachers are cross-dressing flamenco dancers falls asleep at his desk and dreams that he must wax the floor with his teacher. The judges, Carrie Ann Inaba, Len Goodman, and Bruno Tonioli, love it but feel compelled to note they got tangled up in each other once or twice. Even so, all three award her 8 points for a total or 24 points out of a possible 30. This week, unlike last, 24 is a fine score.

Next up: "TV icon" Florence Henderson and partner Corky Ballas take on the waltz. The story: An older woman pays an escort to help her live out her dirndl dressing fantasy, but not before the two of them eat a heavy meal of spaetzle and beer, considerably slowing down the proceedings. The judges pronounce it poignant and award her 20 points. Florence lets us know in a taped bit that she's dancing this week in memory of her dead husband. Try voting against that, America!

Show host Tom Bergeron notes singer Susan Boyle was supposed to perform on the results show Tuesday night but has a severe throat infection so her doctor nixed the performance and, since this is a live show, they're working as we watch on signing up a "surprise guest" to take her place.

NFL star Kurt Warner and partner Anna Trebunskaya do the foxtrot. The story: A man picks up a depressed woman outside a phone booth in London. She puts a lot into the relationship, but he seems to just be going through the motions and in the end, she decides that they're basically incompatible and heads off in another direction. The judges note he is charming, even when nearly dropping Anna, and hand him 23 points. That puts him one point behind Jennifer Grey. Nonetheless, backstage, Brooke Burke pronounces it the highest score yet.

Comic Margaret Cho and partner Louis Van Amstel do a samba. The story: A man pursues a slow-moving, brightly colored piñata around a party, but it proves hard to pop despite his efforts to forcefully squeeze and drag it. Just before score time, however, Margaret, a perennial point-lagger, announces: "Our story is serious, because we wanted to celebrate pride, we wanted to show ourselves off. It's a tough time for the gay community, a lot of gay teenagers have committed suicide, so we want this to end now." Even so, the judges only award her 18 points. Now you try voting against that, America!

"The Hills" least interesting character Audrina Patridge and partner Tony Dovolani do a waltz. The story: Dead marine battles "Lost's" Smoke Monster to come back and dance one more time with his love. Only, to the naked eye, it plays out as a marine returning home to a frosty reception from his wife, who just can't loosen up. Audrina, taking note of Margaret's surprise announcement, dedicates her performance to "our troops who have been lost in war and their families." The judges shower her with 26 points. Try voting against that, America!

Abstinence advocate Bristol Palin and partner Mark Ballas do a foxtrot. But first, in a taped bit, Bristol makes her pitch for abstinence as we see her addressing an audience on the road, and all of America - at least all of us watching "Dancing with the Stars" - get to hear her best argument: You can't get pregnant. The story: A talented but homeless dancer living in a packing crate is lifted up to high social status by a well-dressed woman but in a tragic twist she turns out to be easy to tip over, and he must give up dancing for very careful, slow paced walking. The judges commend her technique while gently noting Palin cannot act. At. All. They award her 19 points.

Pop/R&B singer Brandy and partner Maks Chmerkovskiy do the samba. The story: A pop diva tries to seduce her bodyguard by sending frantic hip-shaking, arm-waving signals his way. But he's no Kevin Costner and mostly keeps his distance, connecting with her occasionally, and, sadly, she never gets her swept-away Whitney Houston moment. The judges note the two have stayed true to their can't-stand-each-other backstory each week, but chastise Maks for spanking and jabbing Brandy in the back with his knee during the taped bit from rehearsal, then show him they mean business by handing him 24 points.

Disney star Kyle Massey and partner Lacey Schwimmer do a waltz. The story: A man in a Hooters restaurant feels an instant attraction to a waitress and expresses his love by wheeling her around the place, and she reciprocates with a surprising wind-milling gesture. Because cute goes a long way, the judges bestow 23 points on them.

"Jersey Shore" star The Situation and partner Karina Smirnoff decide to foxtrot. The story: A man and a woman who are unable to hear a Black Eyed Peas song playing, ignore the music altogether and dance a foxtrot to an entirely different rhythm while waiting in line for a midnight showing of "Rocky Horror Picture Show." The judges love that he finally has figured out where his heels are on his feet and that they can see his abs through his shirt. Then they declare his performance "apocalyptic" and award him 20 points -- but not before Bergeron announces that last week's Angriest Booted Celebrity Ever, Michael Bolton, has agreed to return to the show Tuesday to fill in for Susan Boyle.

NBA star Rick Fox and partner Cheryl Burke go with a samba. For Rick-Cheryl connoisseurs, this week combines one story arc -- "Will the height difference do them in?" -- with another, new story arc: Cheryl's ongoing obsession with her armpits. "Not my armpits, that's not sexy," she admonishes him after he grabs her down there and he replies: "I ran out of space." The story: A dancer in a bar tries to help an athlete regain his mojo by letting him stand next to her while she gyrates and ripping open his shirt and for a few moments she succeeds in loosening him up, at least from the waist up. The judges pronounce it "hot" and he walks away with 24 points.

LAST NIGHTS PRESENTATION WAS DONE IN POOR TASTE AND TOTALLY UNPROFESSIONAL. NEITHER THE JUDGES NOR THE CONTESTANTS KNOW A FOX TROT FROM A WALTZ OR A RUMBA. THREE OF THE PERFORMERS DANCED TO A RUMBA, IT WAS ANYTHING BUT, THE SELECTION OF THE ACCOMPINING MUSIC WAS NOT RUMBA MUSIC. THE LAST CONTESTANT THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DANCING TO A TANGO, WAS NOT DANCING TO TANGO MUSIC. YOUR MUSIC MAKES YOUR PERFORMANCE. I DON'T KNOW HOW THE PRODUCERS OF THE SHOW ALLOW THE SHOW TO BE UNPROFESSIONAL AND TO BE AIRED THAT WAY. RUMBA TUNES ARE TUNES LIKE RITA HAWYWORTH DANCED SOLO TO IN THE MOVIE GILDA CALLED AMADEO MEIO. TANGO MUSIC TUNES ARE TUNES LIKE KISS OF FIRE, JEALOUSY, LA CAMPRASITA. I WOULD KNOW BECAUSE I AM A CRITIC AND A MUSICIAN AND AN AUTHORITY ON EVERYTHING, AND THAT'S BECAUSE I KNOW IT ALL. LET'S NOT HAVE ANYMORE SLIPUPS IN THE PRODUCTION OF DANCING WITH THE STARS. GET PROFESSIONAL, BE PROFESSIONAL, AND ABOVE ALL BE NOTHING ELSE BUT.

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