Fighting alcohol may start with relaxing control

Tim Busbey Published: July 27, 2006 12:00 AM

DEAR AMY: I am a retired U.S. Navy man still working.I work the graveyard shift, midnight to 8 a.m.My wife works nine to five.When I get home, I do the usual husband chores, such as mowing the lawn.I also do the majority of household duties laundry, making beds, cleaning the bathrooms, etc., simply because I prefer my high standards.My hobby and passion is cooking, and I make all the meals. I have a very upscale set of cookware, which I am protective of. Consequently, I also do all the dishes.My reason for writing is this: I drink about a six-pack of beer a day.I do not drink hard alcohol at all, but because I work the graveyard shift, I begin my evening at 8 a.m.My family says I am an alcoholic and insists I should seek counseling.After heated arguments over whether beer alone makes me an alcoholic, I have looked into recovery programs. But all of them every one of them have at their very core the insistence you accept God into your life before you can begin to recover.Amy, I am an agnostic. Terms such as faith and God are fascinating topics for intellectual debate, but they have no relevance or impact on my daily life.I cannot and will not allow a religion to dictate my actions.While the members of my family believe in God, they are not devout. But the insistence on seeking alcoholic counseling is becoming a daily argument of increasing escalation.My wife has even used the words separation and divo-rce in recent days.I love her and my family, but its just beer!If I quit beer, I am going to find something else, such as drugs or hard stuff, so thats not the easy answer.What do you think of this? Conflicted in PortlandDEAR CONFLICTED: Ill sidestep the whole does beer drinking make me an alcoholic debate and give you a simple declarative statement.If your drinking is causing problems, then you have a drinking problem.Clearly, you are a gentleman who loves to be in control of every aspect of your environment.But recovery is partly about admitting you are not in control. Thats the thinking behind surrendering to a higher power. Is that higher power God? Not for you. Perhaps that power is a tiny kernel deep within you that will give you the courage to relax your standards and let someone else make the beds and wash your cookware and permit you to admit you have a problem.When you say its either beer or some other alcohol or drug, then you are saying you have a need that cant be washed away, vacuumed or smoothed over like pristine bed sheets.There is a world of help out there for you, and if a 12-step program doesnt fit you, then find an individual counselor who will work with you, leaving faith and God and any other religious terminology at the door.Alcoholics Anonymous has a chapter of The Big Book called We Agnostics. A downloadable version is available on the AA Web site: www.aa.org). Click on The Big Book.DEAR AMY: I believe my daughters boyfriend of two years is going to ask my permission to marry her.My problem is my wife and I do not think he is the best person for her. We see things in him we feel will lead to problems down the road.When he does ask me for permission, how do I tell him in a nice and civil way no? Worried DadDEAR DAD: You could dress up this no in a tuxedo and deliver it with flowers and chocolate, but I imagine it would still be received badly.You and your wife need to think very carefully about this, because your choice will have a huge impact on your daughters life and on your relationship with her.If your daughter is the type of person who will do what she wants to do regardless of your point of view, then you could be headed for an estrangement.If this fellow comes to you for permission, you can voice your reservations and listen to his answers to any questions you may have. Of course, you should also voice your reservations to your daughter, but you should also offer her your support.DEAR AMY: As a full-fledged geezer myself (Im 64), Im with you on the geezerhood issue.In fact, my wife and I have been discussing starting a Web site called Codgers and Crones, devoted to sharing geezer stories and other joys of advancing age. Peter in Ithaca, N.Y.DEAR PETER: My recent thrashing for calling older parents geezers (people, I was joking!) has brought out the pro-geezer patrol.Thank you one and all.n Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.