On the Smiths

It was In Touch. Let’s repeat. It was IN TOUCH. And now Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are considering suing In Touch. But still...because of the bullsh-t of In Touch, everyone is now scrutinising ever goddamn word and verb tense in the joint statement that Will and Jada released and the statement that Jada released about having an affair with Marc Anthony...what???

Dude. Like, if you’re in the business of making sh-t up for a living, and you need your sh-t to be a little bit believable, WHY would you circulate a story about Jada and Marc Anthony??? Don’t they KNOW Jada? Don’t they KNOW Jada and Will?

As for the part about them splitting up, the official note read as follows: "Although we are reluctant to respond to these types of press reports, the rumours circulating about our relationship are completely false. We are still together, and our marriage is intact."

And here we go...

1.Why did they use the word “intact”?

2.Why didn’t they gush about how in love they are instead?

3.Why is the word “rumours” so vague? They didn’t specify which rumour!

4.Why didn’t they underscore that they are not divorcing?

Answers:

1 & 2. If they gushed about how strong they are, would you then turn around and say that the more they gush about the strong-ness, the more weak their strong-ness seems?

3 & 4. The key is the first sentence. How can you answer without setting a precedent for answering every dumbass In Touch story they print from now on?

But, but, but, Lainey... where there’s smoke, there’s fire!!!

There has always been fire. It’s just not the fire you think it is.

Will and Jada are really, really, REALLY rich. You have seen the house, haven’t you? Talk to any divorce lawyer, or any valuations specialist. They will tell you they’d rather stay in a bad marriage than get divorced because you know why? It is EXPENSIVE. For people like Will and Jada? It is VERY, VERY, VERY expensive. It hurts them HARD how expensive they are. SO expensive that they would much rather look for alternative solutions. And who’s to say that those alternative solutions haven’t been holding their marriage together all these years anyway?

The real fire is what their existing arrangement has been. And, again, if you know your gossip, this shouldn’t surprise you.

There is nothing spontaneous about Will Smith. That was probably the most insightful point in Bill Simmons’s piece on movie stars a couple of months ago. Will Smith has designed his career with military precision. Down to the minute. Did you know that? Did you know that he has exacting specifications about how long each of his films, depending on the genre, have to be? And they can’t be a minute longer or shorter either way? This is the same approach he takes with his personal life, and this is also how his personal life has contributed to his career.

In other words, he keeps his sh-t locked down.

You think Will Smith would get so sloppy that he’d let In Touch get inside his secrets??? IN TOUCH???