Moriarty reviews AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME and AMERICAN PIE

The Spy network in Los Angeles is just beginning to warm up to the summer films that are upon us. Soon... All the titles of the summer will begin testing (with the notable exception of STAR WARS which Lucas seems pleased to show to small gatherings of friends out at Skywalker Ranch instead of masses of folks in Burbank.) their films. Moriarty is working overtime in L.A. to make sure that all of us less fortunate ones can hear whether or not to get our hopes up for the Summer Fare. He has already given us a peek at THE IRON GIANT, STAR WARS EPISODE ONE (via it's script), THE MUMMY and a whole slew of Supernatural films.... But today, he pulls back the curtain on "THE MOST ANTICIPATED FILM OF THE SUMMER OF 1999 other than Star Wars"!!!! That's right... AUSTIN POWERS: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME!!! And if that were not enough, he also takes a peek at AMERICAN PIE... So take it away oh master of the Tibetan Chant!

Hey, Head Geek...

"Moriarty" here.

You know, every now and then, it just gets weird being
an Evil Genius. You start out the day thinking it's
going to be one thing, then you turn around and find
that you've pioneered a new technology instead. Case
in point: today, me, and cloning.

I was working in the Labs today when I got a call from
Master Thief John Robie to tell me that there was a
secret test screening somewhere in LA tonight of AUSTIN
POWERS 2: THE SPY WHO SHAGGED ME. At almost the exact
same moment, one of my henchmen came running in with a
fistful of NRG passes for a screening of AMERICAN PIE.
I was interested in seeing both films, but wasn't sure
how I was going to pull it off. I decided to call up
one of your newer reviewers, Segue Zagnut, and offer
him whichever movie I wasn't going to go see.

As I was waiting for him to arrive, I was tinkering
with a cloning chamber that I've never quite been able
to perfect. It works great with nonorganic things, but
since that's not really the point of cloning, I was
ready to throw the thing on the trash heap with some of
my other failed experiments. This was the first time I
had even taken out the machine to look at it in months.
Maybe it was the time off that did it, or maybe my
mind was just in that special zone today, but I
suddenly figured out what I had been doing wrong. Two
quick modifications, and the Cloning Chamber went
online.

It was right about then that Segue Zagnut arrived, and
I got an idea. I decided that both of us would see
both films. I would make one clone of each of us, and
we would then send a team to each of the screenings,
thereby totally confounding the test screening process
by seeing not one, but two of them in one night. These
weren't even in the same geographical ballpark, either.
One was in Thousand Oaks, and the other was at the
Universal Citywalk. We'd be in two place, almost an
hour apart, at the same time. I was really excited by
the plan, but Segue didn't seem so sure. He kept
saying he'd try it next time, but since I wasn't about
to be the first one into the chamber, I eventually used
a Tibetan chant to lull him into a state of total
willingness. I sealed him into the cloning chamber and
set it for "100% scale replica." Ten minutes later,
there were two Segues, side by side, both wearing a
confused expression. Since Segue is frequently
confused, it looked like everything was fine, so I
climbed into the chamber myself.

The feeling of being cloned ranks somewhere between
having a pack of wild dingos chew on your balls and
time travel on the scale of pain. I would not
recommend the process until I can add morphine to it
somehow. The end results were incredible, though. I
found myself staring at another Moriarty sitting three
feet away, naked, dazed. For a moment, it was like
something out of a David Lynch film, so I threw some
clothes on him while I explained the mission. Segue
did the same, and we sent the clones out to see
AMERICAN PIE while the two of us took off on the long
trek out to Thousand Oaks.

When we got there, neither of us actually had passes.
This was no problem, as I've been practicing my Jedi
Mind Trick in anticipation of the lines on May 19. If
you're not Toydarian, get ready, 'cause I'm gonna steal
your place in line, and you're going to like it. Very
quickly, we found ourselves escorted into the theater,
where a woman immediately began to ask both of us if we
were the director of the film. After explaining that
no, we were just there to see the film, she finally let
us find seats.

New Line had a lot of kids in the audience tonight. By
kids, I mean under 18. Most of them looked to be under
16, to tell the truth. They were rowdy before the
movie, throwing popcorn, dancing, yelling across the
theater at each other. Thankfully, they calmed down as
soon as the lights went out and the movie began.

We were told that we were the very first audience to
see the film, which evidently only wrapped seven weeks
ago. I was surprised at how finished the whole thing
looked after hearing all the warnings at the beginning
of the film. This is pretty much ready to go after a
few nips and tucks. The big thing that's unfinished
right now is the score. It was all temp track tonight
except for (I'm guessing) the opening theme song, which
was an awesome Shirley Bassey parody singing about
Austin, and the Burt Bacharach/Elvis Costello duet on
"I'll Never Fall In Love Again." They used music from
all the Bond films, the Quincy Jones piece from the
original AUSTIN, and even some STAR WARS music. Oh,
yeah... there's a lot of STAR WARS jokes in this film.
Mike's been smart enough to make enough nods to keep
the hardcore geeks happy this summer, the summer of
Lucas. There's an opening crawl that's different from
the opening in the script. There's the great, "I'm
your father, Austin" scene, and there's a few other
moments that are too good to spoil. Suffice it to say
that the first trailer for AUSTIN was no single shot
joke. SW fans will have a good time here.

So how's the film? I'd say very good over all, but not
great. The spark that made the first one such an
unexpected joy isn't as present here. Like the Bond
movies, the Austin Powers films are going to all be
essentially the same story, with a different girl along
each time for Austin to shag and with different
variations in Dr. Evil's plan. Don't get me wrong,
though... this is a laugh out loud funny movie for most
of its running time, and Mike Myers continues to prove
himself as a man of many talents.

In addition to playing Austin and Dr. Evil in this
film, Mike has added a new character to his repertoire
-- Fat Bastard, a Scottish assassin in Evil's employ.
He weighs one metric ton, and the makeup on Mike is
astonishing and disgusting at the same time. He got
groans of genuine disgust several times in the movie
from the audience around me. In particular, I think
New Line can cut way back on the whole nudity thing.
It's deeply foul. Personally, I thought he was funny
in a John Waters/can you believe you just saw
that?/shock value sort of way, but he's not as inspired
a creation as Dr. Evil remains.

On the other hand, Dr. Evil's new sidekick Mini Me is
going to be the breakout sensation of the film. Not
many people saw THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU a couple of
years ago, but there was something hysterical and even
surreally touching about the spectacle of Marlon Brando
and his little mutant buddy in that film. Mike has
managed to reproduce that particular chemistry here to
spectacular comic effect. Mini Me, the product of a
cloning experiment gone wrong (!!!), brought the house
down several times during the film, and deservedly so.
He's more than a sight gag. He's a funny character,
and it's a good performance by an actor whose name I
unfortunately didn't get tonight. Watch for his big
fight scene with Austin Powers to be an audience
favorite. It certainly was for me.

Dr. Evil, also Myers of course, and his son Scott,
played well by Seth Green, both continue to contribute
major, major laughs in this film, and they have some
amazing scenes together. One of the best is a JERRY
SPRINGER appearance early on. Mike in particular is
incredible in this scene, embracing the absurdity of
his character in this context. Robert Wagner returns
as Number Two, with Rob Lowe playing him in the past.
Lowe does a remarkable job at nailing Wagner's exact
vocal patterns, and his performance is perfect, paying
off well during the closing credits. Also returning
from the first movie in fine form are Elizabeth Hurley
(whose Fembot scene at the beginning is nicely done),
Mindy Sterling (as Frau Whatever-Her-Name-Is), Will
Ferrell (hysterical again as Mustafa), Michael York,
and even minor background characters. Jay Roach has a
great eye for comedy detail, and he really packs this
frame with a lot to look at. It's nice to see these
faces again. It grounds Austin in a particular world.
It's a very silly world, and I love it, but most
importantly, it's consistent now. They're actually
filling it up with recurring characters. New Line
definitely wants a franchise out of this.

In the end, of course, the franchise boils down to one
man, and he handles himself so well here. Mike Myers
is a funny, funny man, and it's good to see him push
himself to ridiculous lengths. I don't know if anyone
else is as entertained by Dr. Evil as I am, and the
film is definitely unbalanced in that they spend far
more time with him than with Austin, but I found all of
his screen time to be a joy. I also enjoyed every
second Heather Graham was onscreen, but for a very
different reason. GRRRR, BABY!! She looks incredible
as Felicity Shagwell, and I thought she was very funny
in the role. I'm learning, though, that there are
people in this world who just don't like Heather in
anything, and I think she was a problem for many of the
people around me. Oh, well... it's not like she'll
need to work once she marries me. I am an Evil Genius,
after all. I'll provide for my Rollergirl.

I don't really want to get into specifics much because
there's a lot that could get ruined about this film --
there's a cameo by a big-name actor as the President
that's really funny and the last person you'd expect to
see in a film like this. I will say this, though. If
you've read the draft of the script that's bouncing
around the Internet, toss it away. I read the script
almost six months ago, and it was nothing like the
final film. The basic structure's the same, but so
many of the jokes have been replaced or reworked (to
great effect in almost every case) that it doesn't
really feel like the same piece of work. Mike must be
very free on the set and encourage his actors to be the
same way. It's paid off with a worthy sequel and a
great comedy.

Now, I have to hand over the floor here to my clone,
who just returned to the Labs, so he can describe his
reactions to AMERICAN PIE. I guess they're my
reactions, too, and I'm sure it's in my voice. I'm
just not too clear on the rules to the whole clone
thing.

Greetings, all. Moriarty's clone here. I did indeed
brave the tourist preserve we call Universal Citywalk
to see a screening of the teen summer comedy AMERICAN
PIE. I had heard good things about the film already
from Harry, Joe, John Robie, and others, and I figured
it would be fun. I didn't really have any adventures
getting in. I just put the Touch Of Sleep on all who
opposed my path to the theater. I also used it on the
kid who sat in front of me. I didn't see him bob back
up in front of the screen for the rest of the movie,
either. This allowed me to focus on the film at hand,
directed by Paul Weitz and written by Adam Herz. Kudos
to both men for making a teenage sex comedy that also
manages to be smart and have a wide streak of sweetness
running right down the middle.

I recognized a few faces in the film among the kids --
Tara BIG LEBOWSKI Reid, Alyson BUFFY Hannigan -- but
for the most part they were unknown to me, and I don't
think I would have wanted it any other way. They all
register strongly, and I can't wait until release so I
can see the film with credits and get their names.
Sorry, guys, but I'll just say that I think you all did
great work. Of particular note is the luckless bastard
who keeps getting caught by his father (Eugene Levy in
a gem of a comic role) during masturbation. This leads
to the magazine scene, one which made me hurt from
laughing, and a really nice pre-Prom lecture. Levy is
wonderful, but any good comic needs someone to work off
of, and the kid playing his son is an excellent comic
scapegoat. He's the butt of the film's biggest jokes,
including the scene that gave the film its title and a
very funny sequence involving the Internet.

It's a simple premise for a film -- four friends vow to
lose their virginity by Prom -- but somehow it actually
gets better as the film progresses. To be quite
honest, I thought it started slow, and I was getting
ready to write it off when it's as if the entire
production took a left turn and just suddenly started
making every choice right. By the end, it felt like a
really confident film, and it played well. Big laughs
all around. Alyson Hannigan has a line that I will
literally never forget hearing, a shocker that melted
part of my ear. Like The Farrellys, this creative team
seems to know that if the audience loves your
characters, they'll let you get away with anything. If
you're looking for an alternative to the lines (AGAIN)
for PHANTOM MENACE during that last weekend in May,
then check this one out. You'll be glad you did.

Well... the clone seems to have done a nice job.
Sounds like I liked it. I'll be curious to see how
Segue Zagnut's review of tonight goes. We actually had
a shot at seeing three films at once, but considering
how expensive cloning is (and how painful), it didn't
seem worth the effort for Disney's RUNAWAY BRIDE. I'm
delighted by the choices I made, even if it delayed the
end of my ShoWest coverage by another day. I'll be
working on that tomorrow. Until then...

The circle continues. After the sucess of the Farrley brothers and South Park, gross out comedy is back, at least until it is unprofitable again. I heard about this film American Pie, and I thought it was based upon the song about the death of 50's rock and roll stars Buddy Holly and Richie Valens. I should of known better. This film will be just another remake of high school hormone jokes, and all we can do is hope John Hughes comes back and kill the genre again like he did with Sixteen Candles. As for Austin Powers, I really didnt find the first one funny, but it was a little interesting. I will wait for the sequel to hit video or cable. Mike Myers please continue to do Sprockets, it was your funniest skit on SNL.

Fear: Just make sure you see the old b&w one with Bela Lugosi first. It's much better, even though Brando has his moments. And do I need to ment Fairuza Balk again? She's a kitten! ..."American Pie" always brings a tear to my eye, right alongside "The Blarney Stone." Especially the part at the end about God catchin' a train for the coast... I hope the song isn't massacred by being played in the film.

Well, Harry chose to run Moriarity's PIE review rather than the one I sent him two weeks ago. But I guess Moriarity has seniority (hey, that rhymes). For the record, I thought the flick was mediocre. The real reason I'm posting is to talk up another upcoming Myers pic: CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND, based on the autobiography of GONG SHOW creator Chuck Barris. This is hands down one of the funniest, darkest scripts I've ever read. If the finished product stays true, it'll make PIE's "outrageousness" look like the kid stuff that it truly do be! Just saw 54 this weekend -- terrible, but Myers was so fucking fantastic. Can't wait to see him tackle Barris, an equally troubled, juicy, hammy role.

Okay, I appreciate the reviews and insights, but jesus christ, if you're gonna turn your submissions into attempts at a creative writing exercise, at least do a halfway decent job of it. I'm not some humorless bastard (i'm a lot less uptight than a lot of you riot-nrrds out there), but goddamn, all that "cloning" stuff was retarded. It was just lame. I'm sorry. I mean, it's your thing, you can do what you want to do, but you'd think you'd see fit to just cut to the fucking point sometimes....
movie content:
Austin Powers is really funny and I bet the sequel's really funny too, but the fact that this is one of the most anticipated movies of the year is pretty sad. I mean, it's not like the first AP was the funniest movie of the decade.. nor was Something About Mary... that honor would have to go to Clerks, Mallrats, the Wayne's World movies, stuff that's insanely funny, not just Has Some Really Funny Parts.

I thought Mustafa died in part one, remember, Oh god I'm horribly burned, then he gets shot, you've shot me! He died. Powers 2 should rock, have you seen the toys from McFarlene's camp? Get the latest issue of 'Toy Fare' magazine if you haven't. Mike Myers in his UNDERWEAR, Mike in usual Austin gear, Heather Graham, and Dr. Evil are all toys. They are great. if you haven't seen them find a way. I own Austin 1 and have been eagerly awaiting this one for a long time, the trailer kicks ass, and New Line is heavily hyping it, just on video I saw it's trailer during Living Out Loud and Pleasentville which are targeted to two very differant audiences, I guess they want acroos the board appeal, and they have it, everyone in my family loves the movie. My mom isn't even aware of a new Star Wars move (i'm serious), but she knows the release date of this one even. I think this movie will cut the legs off of Phantom Menace easily. It appeals to SW fans and they'll have already seen SW like 8 times, so instead of seeing it again, they'll see AP, it's very logical. I can't wait to see the 'Austin I am your father' thing, I know I will be in theaters come July 11th, where will you be?

I heard someone mention this a few months back, but i thought it was a bad joke. I guess I should have learned my lesson a few months before that, when I heard tell of a Roxbury Guys movie and thought THAT was bad joke. Lorne Michaels is truly shameless. He should've stopped with It's Pat (or, preferably, just before It's Pat).
On the other hand, if Lorne manages to shit out these SNL sketch movies for around $15 million and they gross around $18 million, I'm sure he stays on Paramount's good side in a day and age when only a third of major studio pics turn a profit.
Brace yourself for the Mary Catherine Gallagher movie...pray this is a bad joke.

Moriarty mentioned something about the audience not liking Heather Graham, in anything? And the reason would be...? She sure seems okay to me, whatever she's in! (Even Lost In Space. Yes, that's right, Lost In Space!)

I too sent a mediocre American Pie review in awhile back. It's NOT as great as people are saying. It has some funny scenes, some VERY funny scenes. But overall the movie is like She's All That. A cliched, predictible film with a real lack of enery in many scenes. However, imagine if every once in awhile She's All That had an incredibly lewd, you just gotta laugh scene or line. And there you have American Pie. It's worth seeing, but it's not THATt great.

I saw the screening of AMERICAN PIE up at Universal on Thursday night too... This is, without a doubt, the funniest, crudest comedy I've seen in years. It also manages somehow to be really sweet without making you groan. I swear, during the night on Thursday, there were a couple of times when I started laughing hysterically in bed when I was remembering parts of the movie. CLASSIC COMEDY. I know people have said that it was coming out the week after Episode One, but I overheard some studio-types at the back of the theater talking about a new release date of July 9.

the band blink 182 appears in the movie quite extensively, not as a band, but as other teenagers in the movie. not quite sure if they'll be on the soundtrack or not, but it's probably a safe guess they will be.

One of the actors in the movie, Chris Klein, lived down the street from me. We graduated from high school together. He is the guy in the trailer that says "They call me Nova, as in Casanova." He could be building upon a strong career base in acting. He is also a big star in the new movie being released soon called "Election." That movie also stars Reese Witherspoon and Matthew Broderick, and was filmed in my own hometown of Omaha. So just some tidbits on one of these actors.

One of the actors in the movie, Chris Klein, lived down the street from me. We graduated from high school together. He is the guy in the trailer that says "They call me Nova, as in Casanova." He could be building upon a strong career base in acting. He is also a big star in the new movie being released soon called "Election." That movie also stars Reese Witherspoon and Matthew Broderick, and was filmed in my own hometown of Omaha. So just some tidbits on one of these actors.