愛麗斯夢遊微軟

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&quotWhere am I?&quot asked Alice, as she peered at the large 9-lettered sign with
the standard black letters.
&quot我在哪裡?&quot, 愛麗斯盯著標示上大大的九個字母.
&quotYou're in Microsoftland&quot, replied the security guard, &quotMay I see your
badge?&quot
&quot這裡是微軟帝國&quot, 守衛回答著 &quot可以讓我看看妳的證件嗎?&quot
&quotI don't have a badge.&quot
&quot我沒有證件&quot
&quotDid you lose it?&quot
&quot妳弄丟了嗎?&quot
&quotNo.&quot answered alice in a puzzled tone. &quotHow could I lose something I never
had?&quot
&quot不是.&quot 愛麗斯很困惑的回答著 &quot我根本沒有拿到怎麼會弄丟呢?&quot
&quotIf is not lost then you must show it to me.&quot
&quot如果沒弄丟那給我看看.&quot
&quotI can't. I don't have one.&quot
&quot可是我根本沒有呀.&quot
&quotThen you'll have to have a temporary.&quot
&quot那妳必需有個臨時的.&quot
&quotA temporary what?&quot asked alice, more confused then ever.
&quot臨時的什麼?&quot 愛麗斯更迷惑了.
&quotA temporary Badge. What's your badge number?&quot requested the guard.
&quot臨時的證件, 妳的證件編號是多少?&quot 守衛問道.
&quotI don't have one&quot
&quot我沒有呀&quot
&quotOf course not, Bill Gates has 1. Give me your badge number, and your cost
center&quot
&quot妳當然不是, 比爾蓋茲才是 1 號. 告訴我妳的編號, 以及妳的...&quot
&quotI'm so confused. I can't do this. I've already said 3 times why. Do I have
to tell you 4?&quot
&quot我搞迷糊了. 人家已經說過三次沒有了, 還要說第四次嗎?&quot
&quotAhhh. 3XY, badge number 4. You must be very important to have such a low
badge number. I should have immediately recognized how low by your state
of extreme confusion. Here's your temporary. Go right on in.&quot
&quot啊! 3XY, 第四號. 妳一定是很重要的人物才會排這麼前面. 我早該看出來的...
難怪妳會這麼困惑. 這是妳的臨時證件, 請從這邊進入.
Alice pasted the sticky paper to her dress and headed down the hall. Not 10
feet ahead she saw a rather distressed looking rabbit coming toward her. He
was dressed in a pair of torn, faded jeans, and a dirty tee shirt.
愛麗斯把臨時證件黏在衣服上通過了大廳. 不遠處有隻兔子滿臉苦惱地走了過來.
穿著破爛褪色的牛仔褲跟一件骯髒的 T 恤.
&quotWhat's wrong?&quot Alice asked.
&quot怎麼了?&quot 愛麗斯問道.
&quotI'm late! I'm late!&quot exclaimed the rabbit as he peered at the pert chart
dangling from his pocket protector.
&quot來不及了! 來不及了!&quot...
&quotLate for what?&quot asked Alice.
&quot什麼東西來不及?&quot 愛麗斯問道.
&quotMy date. I'm going to miss my date. I've got a deadline to meet and I'm not
going to make it.&quot
&quot約會啊. 我錯過了約會.
&quotWell, if its already dead, it probably won't mind. In fact it isn't likely
to be going too far in such a state. I'm sure that however long you take
will be just fine.&quot
&quotYou obviously don't understand. Everything takes longer than it really
does. It doesn't matter what you are doing, only that you meet your date,
and that's always impossible.&quot
&quotWell if its impossible, why would anyone expect you to meet it?&quot Almost at
once regretting that she had asked. Was this was going to be as confusing
as badges?
&quotIts really very simple.In order to move forward, you need a goal. Any goal
will do. It just has to be impossible to do. To motivate the troops, you
have to make goals very challenging. Its really only there to get a stake
in the ground, you know. After that we march in step until we reach our
objective. The date really doesn't mean anything. You simply have to
understand that we are going to do the right thing.&quot
&quotBut if the goal is impossible, and really doesn't mean anything, why are
you trying to go there. Wouldn't it be simpler to first figure out what you
are really going to do, then figure out how to get there?&quot
&quotYou obviously don't understand the process. And as I said before, I'm late
so there is obviously only one thing to do.&quot
&quotHurry up and rush off?&quot Alice asked, hoping it would sound more like a
suggestion than a question.
&quotNo. No. No. A meeting. Let find the Mad Manager and a number of involved,
interested, or warm bodies.&quot
&quotThat will obviously take a lot of time.I don't think you have any to waste.
&quotNo it won't. All we have to do is find a conference room. There are lots of
them right over here.&quot
&quotBut,&quot started Alice, &quotthose rooms are all full of people. Don't we need
an empty conference room?&quot
&quotSilly thought. If we want to find the Mad Manager and some meeting
attendees, why would we look in an empty conference room? Anyway, it's
impossible to ever find an empty conference room.&quot
The rabbit took Alice by the hand, and promptly lead her into the largest,
fullest conference room. Alice immediatly noticed that the wastebasket was
quite full of foam cups and overhead projector bulbs. These people had
obviously been here for a long time.
At the head of the table sat a man with a rather funny suit wearing a large
hat.
&quotWhy&quot wispered Alice to the rabbit, &quotis that man wearing that funny hat? Who
is he?&quot
&quotI'm the Mad Manager,&quot answered the man at the end of the table, obviously
overhearing the question, &quot And I'll be happy to tell you why I'm wearing
this Hat, but that topic is not on the adgenda.&quot
&quotWhy don't we change the adgenda?&quot asked a person in the corner.
&quotIs that a topic for another meeting?&quot replied the manager.
&quotIs what a topic for another meeting?&quot voiced a third. &quotThe reason for the
hat, or why we don't change the adgenda?&quot
&quotWhy don't we take this off line?&quot queried another.
&quotDoes everyone agree that these are all topics we should address?&quot asked the
mad manager.
&quotPossibly so.&quot injected the person in the corner. &quotCould it be that we have
a hidden adgenda?&quot
&quotOh no!&quot the Mad Manager began, the dismay obvious on his face, &quotsomeone has
hidden the adgenda again! Let me put on my process hat and we'll see if we
can work this issue.&quot
With that, he removed his rather amusing top hat, and placed a big green
fedora on his head.
&quotNow, with my process hat on, I'd like to address the issue of the hidden
agenda. Since we can't have a productive meeting without an agenda, it is
up to all of us to find it.&quot
&quotBut, &quot a voice from the corner piped in,&quotwho is going to drive this issue?&quot
&quotDo we have an action item here?&quot asked another attendee.
&quotDoes anyone here want to work this?&quot asked the Mad Manager.
&quotWho originally brought this up?&quot asked another.
&quotI believe that the woman who came in with the rabbit proposed this.
Shouldn't she own it?&quot
&quotWell&quot the Manager stated, pointing to Alice. &quotI'd say that this is your
issue.&quot
&quotWhat issue. I don't have any issues. &quot retorted Alice, nervously fingering
her temporary badge. &quotI only posed a simple question.&quot
&quotI'm notsure we can accept that,&quot the manager declared. &quotWe need a date.&quot
&quotBut, &quot alice began, remembering what the rabbit told her about dates, &quota
date is impossible.&quot
From the back of the room another voice asked, &quotHow about a date for a
date?&quot
&quotThe least we can ask it that you give us a date when you will be able to
give us the date for the date.&quotstated the person in the corner.
&quotI'm not sure I can dothat,&quot Alice opened, &quotsince I don't know what I'm
supposed to give you a date for. I'm having a problem trying to figure out
what you want me to do.&quot
&quotWe don't have any problems here, only opportunities!&quot Piped a chorus of
voices.
&quotIt's really quite obvious,&quot the Mad Manager declared as he reached behind
him for a striped blue and gray beret, &quotlet me put on my Microsoft hat for
a moment,&quot he continued doffing the fedora and flipping on his latest
selection, &quotYou must do the right thing.&quot
&quotYes. yes. &quot chimed the chorus of attendees, &quotDo the right thing.
&quotNow, who is keeping the minutes?&quot the manager asked as he pitched the
beretand placed the fedora back on his head. &quotWe need to record this action
item so we can come back to it later.&quot
&quotWe obviously can't deal with this issue until we can determine whose
meeting this is!&quot
&quotShould we schedule some time to cover that topic?&quot asked one of the
attendees.
&quotWhose going to drive this?&quot asked another.
Just as the Mad Manager was pulling out a rather worn pith helmet, a voice
in the back suggested &quotLet's take a break and work some of this 1x1 off
line&quot
Being closest to the door Alice was the first to leave. She quickly dashed
down the hall, and ran up the first flight of stairs she encountered,
relieved to be free of the madness.
Whenshe opened the door the scene that confronted her made her wonder if
returning to the meeting wasn't a bad idea. Seated around a large oval table
were what appeared to be playing cards, each dressed in a gray or navy blue
three piece suit. Around each neck was a rather oddly shaped handle (or were
they nooses?) made of silk, or polyester.
&quotOff with her head!&quot screamed the queen of hearts who was sitting at the
head of the table. Alice noticed that her tie was silk, and each card
seatednear her was dressed in a suit and noose combinition similar to the
queen's.
&quotWhy would you want to remove my head?&quot Alice asked. By now she was feeling
beyond confused.
&quotIt's not a modern, iconic, user friendly, menu driven, color, PC compatible
user interface,&quot replied the queen, in a tone that would need to come up
two notches to be vaguely considered condesending.
&quotIt happens to suit me just fine,&quot retorted Alice.
&quotWhat are you an engineer or something?&quot asked the 7 of spades.
&quotNo, I'm Alice. Who are you?&quot
&quotMarketing.&quot they replied in perfect fifty-two part harmony.
&quotAnd what is that?&quot asked Alice.
There was a brief interlude of silence as each of the cards fidgeted with
their ties, checked their watchesand scribbled notes on the pads of paper
contained in a handsome genuine imitation leather folder embossed with the
company logo. Then one by one, as dominos would do, they turned to the
person on the left until they all stared at the queen of hearts.
The queen cleared her throat, adjusted her tie a second time and stared
directly at Alice. &quotWe provide the strategic thinking necessary to grow this
business.&quot
&quotOh,&quot said Alice, &quotyou figure out what products to build!&quot
&quotHeavens, no!&quot exclaimed the Queen, &quotThat's too tactical. We feel it's our
job to develop the vision for the long term.&quot
&quotYou develop things,&quot began Alice, &quotso you build the products?&quot
In unison each member of the table made a face reminicient of the look a
small child gets upon tasting spoiled dead roaches for the first time.
&quotUggggh, that's even more tactical,&quot jeered the chorus.
&quotNo! No!&quot shouted the Queen. &quotYou still do not understand. We take the pulse
of the key market leader's demand curve.&quot
&quotI see now.&quot said Alice, &quotYou sell the products.&quot
By now the chorus of cards chanting &quotTac-ti-cal! Tac-ti-cal!&quot was becoming
too much.
The queen was furious and repeated heroriginal greeting. &quotOff with her head!
Off With her head!&quot
&quotWAIT!&quot demanded Alice. &quotI belive I understand. You are all responsible for
driving the solution opportunities for the key client supply perceptions
through strategic vision management!&quot
Alice wondered if she should add something about the claws catching, and
fruminous bandersnatches and thought that she'd best leave it at that before
she became ill.
&quotYes,&quot screamed the cards, &quotThat's exactly right!&quot
&quotAnd how, might I ask, do you accomplish these lofty and important goals?&quot
&quotBy calling a BOD,&quot the queen responded.
&quotAnd what, pray tell, might that be?&quot inquired Alice as she looked for the
quickest escape route, hoping that this jabber would keep her head attached
long enough to get out.
&quotA Board of Directors&quot, began the queen, just as Alicenoticed the door to
the left of the table. &quotIts a type of high level meeting.&quot
&quotA meeting????!!!!&quot exclaimed Alice.&quotNot another meeting!&quot With that she
bolted for the door, no longer fearing for her head. Her only hope was that
she make it through before the adgenda hit the overhead. In a dead run, she
passed through the door just as the projector lamp flicked on.The sound of
the fan was the last sound to fade as the door closed.
Breathlessly she looked up to see a large open area. Directly in front of
her was an enclosed area lined on one side with triplechrome table. A stack
of plastic trays was at the foyer.
As she wandered through an assortment of sandwiches, prepared foods, soft
drinks and salad began their daily speel. &quotEat Me! Drink Me! Eat Me!&quot
&quotOh no,&quot answered Alice, &quotI may know nothing about dates, and problems and
meetings and agendas, and marketingand badges, but I do know food.I'm not
gonna touch any of you. After the morning I've had, I deserve a nice cheese
steak (no lettuce)!&quot
With that, Alice opened the nearest exit door and left. A resounding high
piched whine sang its midday good-byes as Alice returned to the real world.