Sunday, March 11, 2018

Bike Computer

Please enjoy this week's Strangerville episode above, and today's written story below.

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Training for the upcoming Half Ironman has been difficult the last few months, as it always is for this May race, because I am unwilling to go outside unless it is exactly 71 degrees and people are cheering for me.

I feel some guilt when I'm driving to or from work and I see cyclists out on the road with their fancy bikes and winter gear, sliding across the snowy roads, undeterred by the misery that is biking outside in the wintertime.

But the guilt isn't enough to get me to join them.

I, Eli Washingtonittle McCann, simply refuse to bike outside during the winter. Whatever the promised payoff, it is not worth it to me.
What that means for the St. George Half Ironman, which takes place the first weekend of May each year, is that for a good portion of the time that I should be training for the race, I'm not getting out on my bike because it's January or February and I like myself.

I take up residence on the spin bikes at the gym for those months, sometimes watching people show up, perform their entire workout, chat with their friends, shower, freshen up, and then leave, as I go for two or three hours trying to maintain the will to live despite the boredom.

I bring work and listen to podcasts and do whatever I can to pass the time. And I'm diligent about putting in the time. But the indoor spin bikes at the gym just are simply not the same thing as biking outdoors.

That's why I was pleased that it was finally warm enough this weekend to get out onto my bike.

Anticipating the ride, I stopped by my favorite bike store on Friday afternoon to purchase some supplies, including a new bike computer since my old one gave up the ghost last season.

A bike computer is basically a glorified speedometer, usually with some capability of tracking a few basic stats, including time and distance, as you go for a bike ride. The last time I purchased a computer, it came with like eleventy hundred parts that I had to attach all over the bike, and it performed just those functions described above.

That's really all I was looking for when I walked into the bike shop on Friday.

Every time I walk into a bike shop, I accept upfront that I am going to come across as the most incompetent human being alive. I decided years ago that I wasn't going to be embarrassed about my lack of knowledge of bike gear and terms, etc.

Making that decision is one of the most liberating things I have ever done in my life.

I used to sneak around the clearance section of the store, avoiding anyone's gaze, grabbing handfuls of stuff that I planned to google later to determine how to use it.

Now, for the sake of efficiency, I walk straight up to the fittest employee the moment I get to the store and say "I need bike things and I don't know what they're called and I don't want to learn. Can you help me?"

And they always do.

Once we get out of the way that I am not a full-time professional road-biker with a trust fund and no other hobbies, they stop talking to me like I'm one and instead use English words with which I'm familiar.

And look. I've painted myself out like I know nothing about the sport. It's not true. I do know a lot about it. I've been biking for years. But when you compare me with the kind of people who work in bike shops, I'm basically Skylar who once told me he needed to stop by J. Crew to buy some "sports outfits" and when I asked him which sports he was going to do in the sports outfits he said "you know. Weights and stretching and stuff."

So, as I went looking for a computer, I approached a child laborer who was employed by the bike shop and gave him my speech. A minute later we were standing in front of a case of bike computers and he was informing me about their bluetooth capabilities and how accurate they were at predicting your future voting decisions and I told him that I was just looking for something basic--like I've used in the past.

He told me that they didn't carry anything as basic as I was describing and that all of their computers have all of the features he was describing and then he repeatedly explained to me why I should want this anyway because the computers now basically function like Life Alert and he didn't really say that but that's basically what I was thinking when I blurted out "if I buy this I'm going to have to find a young person to set it up for me!"

And I swear to you I said those exact words. And the second they left my mouth I suddenly felt like the oldest man who has ever lived on this Earth. And the child laborer who was helping me responded, "um . . . it's just bluetooth." And I don't know why but I suddenly became so embarrassed that just snatched up the mid-priced computer and bought it and took it home and now I need a young person to come set it up for me.

Also, please check out our latest episode of Strangerville. About a dozen of you emailed me about the Utah State Bar disaster that was reported in the news last week, asking if I was going to write about it. I didn't write about it, but I did tell the story on this week's episode. Please enjoy.

This time in Strangerville, the Utah State Bar sends an unfortunate email to thousands of lawyers, and Eli stumbles upon a biker who has been hit by a car.

34 comments:

My Devin rides his bike to work (about four miles one way) every single day no matter the weather. And we live in Nebraska, so we get Weather. Yes, capital W is intentional, and meaningful. But I am not bragging so much as letting you all know that my mister is straight up nuts. (Note for sake of absolute honesty; I do make him let me drive him if it is really icy, or thundering that might become a tornado. But he will bike through most storms, snow, wind, severe heat and humidity, anything- so I maybe give him a ride three times a year)

Every time I see something funny I like to make up tshirt templates that I always plan on having screen printed but never do. Here are my current 2 favorite designs.

"Dating after 30"https://www.customink.com/designs/datingafte/xce0-00bb-t7mc/share?pc=EMAIL-40778&utm_campaign=shared%20design&utm_source=share%20link&utm_medium=shared%20design&utm_content=shared%20desktop

. . . I'm basically Skylar who once told me he needed to stop by J. Crew to BY some "sports outfits" . . .

Also, it is so liberating to just explain to clerks that you don’t know or care to know about all the features of anything and just give me the cheapest one that still functions well. This apples to everything. And letting them find stuff for you. I’m so done with searching the store for twenty minutes on my own. I pretty much find a clerk the minute I enter the store. Sometimes the thing I want is literally within my view when I ask, but I’m not ashamed. I don’t want to waste time hunting when they already know all the secret hidden locations.

I actually don’t know anything about cycling, as I ride my bike exactly once every 18 months (at least, that’s been the rate since buying it two years ago). But I love going to my local bike store.

They’re so friendly and helpful; they never try to upsale me and always make me feel welcomed and encouraged and are happy to help out. They don’t even judge the fact that my bike is a cheapass Schwinn cruiser I bought because it was cute and retro but not actually a decent bike for riding.

Same here. Though my bike is from when I was 14, so I think its a tad too small for me, but am I justified in buying a new bike for a bazillion dollars if I only ride such an instrument once a year (at best)?

On a side note, a year ago we got a Xbox one for Christmas. I spent the rest of the day asking if any 14 year olds wanted to come set it up for us. It was a terrible decision. I wish it would explode so I never had to figure it out again.

OPEN LETTER TO CHAUN: I just saw your comment on my blog (that sad, neglected little thing), and was so awkwardly happy about it. You are welcome to come stalk me anytime you want! Do I remember Eli mentioning a while back that you write sometimes, too? I would love to find your corner of the internet, too. Sincerely, Amy Rose, who fixed her account and is no longer commenting as her father, Phil Boling. You're all welcome.

Ahh haha Amy Rose you are hilarious. Yes - right on over at www.22footprints.com! I will continue to stalk away on your blog!

I was horrified when Eli said he had read my blog before, because I tend to write after I read his blog, so his tone / topic choices are occasionally similar. Or so I think, at least :) That was sort of embarrassing to admit, but I'm learning that Strangerville is the place where shame goes to die. :)

I follow Lee on Instagram, but he doesn’t post very often. I am not sure exactly why he doesn’t comment on Stranger anymore, though. I did go and check out your blog too, and commented on your new taste for spiciness. And Stranger is definitely the place where perhaps shame goes not only to die, but to die in a blaze of glory.

I follow him on Instragram too and chatted with him about his disappearance back when it happed. He said he needed to check out of the drama in the comments of It Just Gets Stranger - that it was getting to be too much like FB. I don't see drama but maybe that's because the comments are now censored? I guess these comments could be seen like FB comments. In any case I haven't heard from him in a long time.

THANK YOU! I was actually worried about him. I really enjoyed reading what he had to say and when it just stopped with no farewell comment, I worried that something had happened. I can respect taking a step back if that is what someone needs. I wonder if he still reads and just doesn't comment or if he went cold turkey all the way.

Ah, that's good to hear. I wondered too if something sad happened and if I had somehow missed it. I mean, it's totally legitimate that some people stop reading a blog because they want to, but I sooner assume death or other unfortunate causes!

I used to bike in the winter, but I've decided the misery isn't worth it. If it's not in the 60's and sun shining, forget it. The older I get the more I say NO to all the horrible things my young self would have pushed through. Like, I should do a century the first weekend in June, lets home I hold out for 75 and not toss in the towel at 50 miles. Good luck at the SGIM!!