Ask E. Jean: Is It Bad that I'm Tired of Talking About My Boyfriend's Cancer Diagnosis?

The case for being a little bit selfish.

Dear E. Jean: I'm a thoughtful, outgoing girl, and 10 months ago I fell in love with the smartest, kindest, funniest man I've ever met. In June, he was suddenly diagnosed with a brain tumor and underwent emergency brain surgery. The surgery was successful (and I'm grateful every day for that), and he's been undergoing a heavy regimen of cancer treatment ever since. There are several months to go.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

This experience brought us much closer, and we're even more wildly in love now than we were before. But it has affected my life in ways that are not so positive. I seem to take everything seriously these days and feel highly emotional most of the time, especially when I'm at work, which is a stressful environment. I don't have an outlet for the fear and anger I've been struggling with and have almost no one to talk to about it.

I have an excellent therapist who says I'm handling it all "quite gracefully." I have good friends, but none of them can relate. I've learned that the words brain tumor can kill a conversation in any language. People are so afraid of brain cancer, I end up chatting about it in an almost manically upbeat fashion, trying to make them feel better. And on the rare occasion when I do meet friends for drinks, they always say, "Go home. You should be with him."

The thought of joining some kind of "friends of cancer survivors" support group makes me retch. The last thing I want is to spend more time thinking about cancer! Obviously, I can't exactly vent to my boyfriend about his having brain cancer either. So I continue to work 60-plus-hour weeks at a job that doesn't inspire me, and I'm starting to feel like I've lost myself. Is there anything you can suggest to help?—Too Worried to Be Whimsical Ever Again

Get the hell out. You're not leaving forever, but go! Visit an old sorority sister, or a childhood friend, or come visit me in my cabin. We'll go sledding down the mountain behind the kitchen. (I promise you'll feel "whimsical" when the dogs chase you at speeds of up to 17 mph!) Then we'll eat huge bowls of homemade vegetable soup and yard-long loaves of crispy French bread. Haven't you realized? Your own brain is fried.

Advertisement - Continue Reading Below

Do a runner, a jaunt, a mini vacation, a weekend flit, a cool getaway once a month. Get out. Beat it. A day. Two days. And if you can manage, cut back an hour or two at work—60 is ridiculous right now. Try for 58. And please, when you see your friends for cocktails, set the rule: "No talk about Tumortown tonight!" Fine anyone who breaks this rule $5. Or, better, make them buy you a plate of fancy hors d'oeuvres. And please give my best to your boyfriend!

A Part of Hearst Digital Media
ELLE participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites.