“Virginity is something made up by men to keep women trapped in shame.”

When I read that statement I was finishing up a journal article review about the effects of Southern Baptist Fundamentalism on women. Along the way, I got distracted by some secular feminist authors. The concept of virginity – the unspoken weight of a ‘first time’ – is, according the authors I read, a product of the ‘patriarchal’ movement. This movement (again according to secular authors) seeks to shame women into subjugating their sexuality to men. The ‘myth’ of virginity is allegedly part of this agenda.

Unfortunately for Christians, there are a few in our camp who have elevated acts of grace-gratitude (works done because of faith) to requirements for salvation (works done to earn grace). Virginity is one of these legalistic requirements. The purity movement accomplished much good, but deep within its underpinnings lies an unanswered question: Will God still love me if I am not a virgin?

The purity movement has worked so hard to prevent it has lost its ability to restore. In an effort to teach women the glory of God’s design for sex, we have failed to extend God’s hope to the hurting. So I’m going to make a bold statement: purity is not about virginity.

However: purity is more than not having sex, just as modesty is more than wearing more clothes. Purity is a heart attitude that allows us to approach God’s holy hill and learn His will for our lives (Psalm 24). Purity is restorative, not legalistic. It is hope, not limitation. We pursue purity out of love for God and a desire to please Him – not out of the requirement of law or the approval of men.

It is because of the nature of purity that virginity is not God’s goal. If virginity were God’s goal, would there be hope for victims of rape?

Would there be redemption for those who have failed?

Would there be acceptance for those who have sinned?

There would not. The very fact our Lord stands with arms open on the cross, bringing back the wounded, speaks to God’s mission. Holiness, not virginity, is His goal.

I hope my readers are intuitive enough to realize this does not grant us a free pass to sexually indulge. As Paul says, “What shall we say then? Are we to continue in sin so that grace may increase? May it never be! How shall we who died to sin still live in it?” (Romans 6:1-2)

God’s gift of holiness (through Jesus, who took the penalty we deserved) lifts the weight of condemnation and frees us to walk a righteous life pleasing to Him. This in turn enables us to have perfect communion with an all-holy God – something we cannot have when we are living in sin. Whether or not we are physical ‘virgins’, we are made holy by a loving, restorative God.

When secular feminists angrily lash out at ‘fundamentalist patriarchs’, they are lashing out at the legalistic faction of Christianity who have already done our faith a disservice. If secular women truly understood God’s heart for purity, they would have no basis for their arguments. God’s heart is neither condemnation (Rom. 8:1) nor separation (2 Pet. 3:9). He has a holy standard because only holy people can know Him. Out of love for us, He made us holy through Jesus – our only way to have a relationship with a perfect God.

You might be thinking, “Okay Phylicia, I sort of get it. But everywhere I look Christian women seem to be perfectly pure. I’ve messed up. I don’t know anyone who has been restored, only those who have always been pure.” My friend, you are not alone. Restoration is a theme throughout all of Scripture, especially evident in the lives of women. Let’s look at a few.

Ruth (Ruth 1-4)

Ruth was married to the son of Naomi for ten years (Ruth 1:4-5) before traveling with her mother in law and meeting Boaz (Ruth 2:4-5). If you haven’t read this little book, I recommend starting it as your quiet time this week. Ruth’s story is all about restoration!

Ruth was married once before she met Boaz. She was most definitely not a virgin, and more than that, she was a Moabitess. Yet despite her heritage and her history, she became the great-grandmother of King David. She was a member of the kingly line which eventually led to the Messiah.

If virginity were God’s goal, how could Ruth’s story have been told? How could she have found love again after the death of her husband? God’s goal is holiness, and because Ruth sought God and aligned her actions with worship of Him, she became a pivotal part of His redemption plan.

The Woman at the Well (John 4:1-45)

The woman at the well was a case study in failed relationships; Jesus pointed out that she had had five husbands, and the man she lived with at the time was not her husband at all (John 4:17-18). If virginity was God’s goal, Jesus would never have spoken to the half-breed adulteress nor have accepted water from her hand.

But He did, because this woman was not just a body, but a soul. While Jesus acknowledged her past, He looked beyond it to her future. Jesus was so intentional toward this woman he was waiting at the well at noon – far after the typical time women came to draw water. He was in Samaria, a place no ‘godly’ rabbi would dare to tread because of tension between Samaritans and Jews. But Jesus drew out this woman’s story as she drew water from the well. Just as He accepted water from her hand, she was able to accept redemption from His.

The Adulteress (John 8:1-11)

During the Feast of Tabernacles (or Booths), the Pharisees brought before Jesus a woman caught in adultery (John 8:4-5), who according to Mosaic Law was worthy to be stoned. According to the Law, the woman stood condemned based on her transgression. But because Jesus is God, He has authority over the Law. Because He was the Messiah who would pay the woman’s penalty for sin – He would take her stoning – He could and did forgive her. “Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?” He asked.

And she answered: “No one, Lord.” (John 8:11)

Had she sinned? Definitely. But the Law which condemns is meant to point us to the Hope of restoration: Jesus Christ. When Jesus stood up to the Pharisees, He was not saying the law was wrong in its condemnation. He was revealing His authority over condemnation.

Jesus is the intercessor between our failings and God’s holiness. It is in Jesus that we stand restored, lifted from the mud to “Go, and sin no more.” (John 8:11)

The Sinful Woman (Luke 7:36-50)

She rushed into the room, disheveled, weeping and clutching a flask. She had spent all her money, everything she had earned. Dirty money, earned with her body. She didn’t care about how they looked at her anymore – because in His eyes she saw love. It was the kind of love that no longer saw her as untouchable. It was the kind of love that gave her hope.

Luke 7 depicts the ‘sinful woman’ who enters the Pharisee’s house to wash Jesus’ feet. Jesus’ host neither washed the feet of his guests nor provided someone to do so – perhaps more concerned with the pomp of hosting a celebrity than actually serving his guest. But when the woman entered, she had nothing to prove except her gratitude for grace. She poured out all she had as an offering on Jesus’ feet.

If virginity were God’s goal, Jesus could have joined his Pharisaical host in thinking, “[I know]…who and what sort of woman this is who is touching [me], for she is a sinner.” (Luke 7:39) But Jesus did not turn her away. Instead, He extended hope: “Therefore I tell you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven—for she loved much. But he who is forgiven little, loves little.” And he said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.” (Luke 7:47-48)

Mary Magdalene (Luke 24:10, Matt. 28:1, Mark 16:1, 9)

Mary Magdalene was one of the first people to see Jesus after His resurrection. While there is no evidence that she is the sinful woman in Luke 7, Mary was possessed by seven demons. She also hailed from the city of Magdala, a town three miles from Capernaum known for its harlotry. Whether or not Mary was a virgin we do know that she was racked with oppression by these seven spirits before Jesus freed her from that bondage.

We too can be oppressed. Like Mary, we can be oppressed by cultural influence, public opinion, inadequacy, doubt, and lust. But also like Mary, freedom from bondage is available through Jesus Christ.

In Luke 13:10-17we meet a woman disabled by a spirit, unable to ‘fully straighten herself’. This woman was destined to continue through life a cripple, never able to fully embrace the freedom of walking and running… until Jesus.

“When Jesus saw her, he called her over and said to her, “Woman, you are freed from your disability.” And he laid his hands on her, and immediately she was made straight, and she glorified God.” (Luke 13:12-13)

But there were some who placed obedience to Law higher than glory to God. They would rather have the woman remain a cripple than see their traditions altered. Jesus had no tolerance for this hypocrisy.

“Then the Lord answered him, “You hypocrites! Does not each of you on the Sabbath untie his ox or his donkey from the manger and lead it away to water it? And ought not this woman, a daughter of Abraham whom Satan bound for eighteen years, be loosed from this bond on the Sabbath day?” As he said these things, all his adversaries were put to shame, and all the people rejoiced at all the glorious things that were done by him.’ (Luke 13:16-17)

Our God doesn’t want to see us walking through life sexual cripples. Yes, we may have failed. Yes, we may have lost our virginity. And yes, that is contrary to God’s plan for sex. But our God reaches out to us in our crippled state and says, “Ought not this woman, a daughter of mine whom Satan has bound for years, be loosed from this bond TODAY?”

We place a high value on virginity because God created us with a need for intimacy, and that intimacy is designed for oneness with one man – our husband. But if God’s goal were virginity, there would be no hope for millions of women across the globe. When the church presents virginity as a prize to be won, they have missed God’s goal and elevated legalism above the mission of Christ.

God’s goal is not virginity. His heart is holiness.

In Jesus we have restoration no matter what our history. In Jesus we are made new women, the ‘other virgins’, those walking in freedom to please God. We are the ‘priestess queens’ (1 Peter 2) who walk in strength, dignity, and holiness because that is who Christ made us…

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Reader Interactions

Comments

Hi there, Phylicia! Your posts have helped me immensely with my struggle of sexuality, virginity, and even self-worth. I have a lot of questions for you that I would be so appreciative if you answered.

Unfortunately, though I did grow up Christian, I was taught to fear sex, (as many Christians were) and with a sexually abused family, my mother didn’t know how to teach her daughters about their virginity. The lack of education I had regarding my virginity, especially its relationship to Christ, led me to be lax about its importance. So, as a result, I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend at 17.

What I didn’t see coming was the hate and disgust I felt towards myself. Though I didn’t know WHY my virginity was important, I was always proud that I had it. I was clean, I was pure. Without my virginity, I was suddenly impure and worth nothing in my eyes, and what I thought to be everyone else’s.

I don’t want to feel worthless because I’m not a virgin, anymore, but I’m not sure what steps to take to do so. I want to know my worth separate from my sexuality. As women, is our worth weighted by our virginity?

As of now, my boyfriend (whom I lost my virginity to) and I have made a vow of abstinence, waiting for our wedding night. However, I’m struggling with this, as well. Is it too late for me? Can I still be deemed pure? Am I still a “lady”?

My boyfriend has a very colorful sexual past, with multiple partners. Though, he constantly reassures me that he wished he had waited for me, I ask myself why I felt the need to wait for him, if he didn’t for me. Am I special to him? How do his past relationships affect me? How do I mentally approach those women? I see that your husband had sex prior to your marriage, how did YOU deal with it?

I want to thank you, so much for the articles you have posted. I love you love for Christ and your love for your brothers and sisters in Christ, shown by this magnificent website. Thank you once more!

Hey Brianna! The best resource I can offer you to answer ALL these questions it the book I wrote on the topic, Christian Cosmo. I wrote specifically to address all these issues and help women overcome sexual shame and sin. It comes in both ebook and print version (ebook is $5.00+ and print is around $12.00). Here is the link: http://www.phyliciadelta.com/christiancosmo

I found your website yesterday and it has already shined the light on so many parts of my life. Thank you for sharing your story and ministering to us all. I will most definitely purchase your book and share it will friends. God bless you

Thanks for this post, I appreciate it a lot. However there is a question which I have had for a while and I struggle to find answers for.

If you have the full intensions of marrying, but it is further down the line – say 3 or 4 years, why must the couple remain as virgins? How does one day, a wedding day, take a sin – sex and make it holy and pure? If you are to only have one sexual partner for life then does the wedding day matter in the greater scheme of things?

Hey Chloe! Sorry for the delayed response. The short answer is this: God has decided that sex remains in marriage, where intimacy is protected by covenant. It’s not about the wedding day or the state’s recognition; it’s about GOD’S recognition. He created marriage. He created sex for within marriage to protect it, to protect nakedness and intimacy from abuse and shame. When we decide to take sex out of that context, we are taking over God’s role and determining morality for ourselves. Further, you don’t know for sure that someone you’re dating is the “one for life”. “The One” is the person you marry; no one else. And they become the One once vows are said before God. The vows are the sacred commitment before God and witnesses holding that couple accountable for life. That’s why divorce – in all cases except infidelity and abuse – is so offensive to God. The marriage covenant is a reflection of God’s covenant with us. Without the covenant, a sexual relationship between a man and woman is based on nothing more than a mutual agreement that, as long as both deem it best to live together, they will. There is no objective accountability. And lastly, we answer to God for our sexual behavior – and living together outside of marriage is a sin. God is grieved by it, mostly because HE is perfectly pure, but also because of how much it hurts people, even when they are blind to that truth. I hope that helps!

I loved this article! It is really inspiring and Enlightening.
I would like to know if there is some translation to Brazilian Portuguese…
If there is not, I would like to translate and post on my website (www.logoeu.com.br) with your permission, giving the authorship to you.
My website focus on relationship and God’s love.

It would be really pleasant having your article avaliable for us here in Brazil.

If God makes me new and pure again does it mean i’m a virgin again? if i get asked about it, would it be correct to say i’m a virgin, or i would be lying for saying that?

I ask this because many people say the same; Yes God well restore your spiritual virginity not the physical one, He makes you new but is impossible for you to be a virgin. I don’t get it. Others say that yes is possible to be a virgin again, after God restore us but those were just two blog posts saying that.

If you were a thief, after being forgiven you are not longer a thief ,
if you were a liar, after being forgiven you are not longer a liar,
if you were a no-virgin, after being forgiven you are a.. virgin??

It just seems weird the only sin is treated as you can no longer change your present state is loosing your virginity.

So again,
If God makes me new and pure again does it mean i’m a virgin again? if i get asked about it, would it be correct to say i’m a virgin, or i would be lying for saying that?

Morning Delta, I have read your post in full and thank God for your life but just want to let you get something quickly. Virginity is God’s idea/Goal . Read leviticus 21: 1-17, Matt 25: 1-12, Ezek 44:22, tell that God commanded virginity for all single brothers and sisters. Rebecca was a Virgin, Esther, Sarah, Four daughter of Philip, Joseph, even our culture (Yoruba, Nigeria) is a shame for any family who’s daughter married not as a Virgin. Tamar 2Sam 13:1-20, Tamar’s pride(virginity) was taken away and tore her gown worn by King’s daughters that are Virgin in Israel and put ashes on herself bcos shameful thing has been done to her. Esther was a Virgin who God used for the deliverance of His people in exile, Jesus came to this world through Virgin Mary, he gave us parable on his coming using virgins, Rev 14:3-4, told us the importance of virginity even in God’s Kingdom. Virginity is God’s goal or one of God’s goals, all God’s goals must be carefully followed and carried out. Adam and Eve were virgins when God for them and brought them together, they holy (created in God’s likeness) and God wanted them to continue in his holiness, God just told us there that we should be holy in body and spirit (1cor 7:34) just to please him before and after marriage.

But there are people who are defiled like rape, those that their husband are dead or anyone who is involved in adultery or fornication, Jesus is ever ready to safe for he shall in no wise cast away anyone that comes to him. If a woman’s husband died the Bible admonished that she should marry only in the Lord 1Tim 5:14. God commanded virginity that people might partake in his holiness. Virginity does not make one pure, agreed, but it part of what counted as holiness because no one can please the Lord unless they are holy.

I got the context of your post, but still saying virginity is one of the goals of God. But if anyone fall short of being a Virgin, God is ready to receive them and give them a new beginning, if only they come unto him through his son Jesus Christ. Rms 10:9-15. Those instance you gave all had encounter with Jesus that means, he will not force anyone to himself expect that person willing come. For the fact that Jesus accept those people does not give any sister or brother who is still a Virgin the right to commit fornication Hebrew 13:4. I rest my case.

I’m posting this hear because a lot of the realizations I have been having over the past few weeks have been in part from reading your posts. You have clarified a lot of things for me and shown me scriptures regarding things I have questioned/wondered and wasn’t sure where/how to look for answers. https://babywomanblog.wordpress.com/2015/02/22/being-enough/

Ellisse, I read your whole post, and it brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing your story and your heart. Your writing reflects a spirit completely surrendered to and at peace with God – something that takes incredible strength. Your daughter is so blessed to have you as her mother, because you will be teaching her to value herself in ways you did not once know, but now do! I am so blessed to be included even a little in your story. Blessings to you!

These comments are well-intended and, I’m sure, well-needed. Unfortunately, they just rub salt in the wounds of people who have spent their whole life waiting and trying to be obedient and pure, and seeks the same in a mate, only to realize what a tiny fraction of the world actually maintains this standard, and we must either give up the longing for the gift to be returned, accept that the gift isn’t nearly as valuable as we thought, or confront the possibility that the gift will remain ungiven.

Beren,
While I understand where you are coming from, we must remember that those who have waited all their lives in obedience and those redeemed from a sinful past are on equal standing in God’s eyes. One is not better than the other, but both glorify God in their own way. This echoes the parable of the workers in Matthew 20, where ALL the workers – those who worked all day and those who only worked an hour – received the same payment from the Master. So it is with purity. All those who repent and come to Christ, whether at 14 or 42, surrendering their sexuality to Him are made pure. If virginity were God’s goal instead of holiness (which overarches virginity) there would be no hope for those who have sinful sexual history, and we know that is not God’s intention, since He wishes for none to perish.

Acknowledging forgiveness for those who have not waited does not demean those who HAVE waited. Did you read my own testimony in the post “I Waited… And It was the Best Thing I Ever Did”? If not, I encourage you to do so. Our culture – Christian and not – seems to think that every issue is either/or, completely mutually exclusive. That’s not the case. Those redeemed from the sins they committed and those redeemed from the sins they COULD HAVE committed are equal in value to God. We can celebrate both. Those who have waited should not be like the pouting older brother in the parable of the Prodigal Son, unhappy when God throws a party for the returning sinner. We want to celebrate WITH them that God has done a great work!

My husband was not a virgin when we married, and I was. Should I have been sad that his ‘gift was ungiven’? Certainly, there was regret on his part. But I knew he was restored, forgiven, and a new man. He and I were and are equal in God’s eyes, so because God sees no sin on him, neither do I. That’s the hope we, as Christians, need to extend.

Great post. As someone who’s is waiting for marriage to share “the experience”, I appreciate this post. Mainly because it lets me know that I am not the only one who thinks like I do. I know that I am only “saved” because of God’s grace. I’m not trying to save myself to wave a badge, but really to try to be holy… In my early years when I first started dating, I always said that I wanted to marry a virgin as well. The older I get, I realize that, although my ideas were realistic, I was judgmental in my choice of men. They had sinned and I wanted no parts of it in a potential mate. I’m so glad I’ve changed my mindset and that I understand that, at the end of it all, whoever the man is God has for me, it is ALL for the glory of the Father.

Awesome post, made me cry. I was raped repeatedly (among other things) this past summer and have been struggling with feeling dirty. I have always taken pride in my purity and virginity and had planned not even to kiss until my wedding day! But now that that has been taken from me I feel so ashamed. Am I as guilty as my rapists for the sexual acts in The eyes of God?

How does someone that has failed in this area truly believe this. Not just head knowledge but actual revelation that sticks. I know it in my head but to accept it and believe it as true…that seems to be really hard.

Rachel, good question! It is definitely a struggle, and it’s one that is not a quick fix. This kind of healing comes through continual exposure and faith in God’s promises about who you are in Him. When we believe what we’ve done before repentance is what defines us, we continue to fail. But if we believe what God has said about us, and preach it to ourselves daily, we are constantly reminded of the victory He has won for us! It’s also important to concentrate on the little victories we have through Christ every day: if that means you spent 1/2 hour with Him in prayer, or you didn’t give in to a temptation – those all get to be celebrated! God is a Restorer. The women in this post all illustrate that fact. His heart is to make His children holy so His pure nature can embrace us fully. The post “Overcoming Your Partner’s Sexual Past” has some things that apply to overcoming your own, as well!

I would like to print out the blog/article “Modesty Myths” for our female student body. I work at a Christian school. When I try to print, it comes out blank. When I try to copy/paste so I can print, it doesn’t work.
Can you help me be able to get a copy of this article so I can read it aloud or give a copy to some of our student body for discussion?
I would greatly appreciate your help. It was a FABULOUS article.

Great post, Phylicia! I think all too often people believe that the virgins spoken of in the bible are referencing women or men who have never been defiled. The phrase “chaste virgin,” is spoken in scripture many times. What is cool about the virgins that God receives is that they are washed from their sins first. They are defiled, then cleansed by the water of the Word, and the blood of the lamb. Take a look at this verse:

Ephesians 5:27 “He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault.”

How can a church, a bride, be spotless when she is first adulterous?

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 “Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people–none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”

We are all once adulterous, but have been cleansed, if indeed the blood of Christ covers us.

Its funny how the word “chaste” is the root of “chasten.” If a bride is “chaste,” she has been “chastened.” Check out ole man webster’s definition of chasten:

1: to correct by punishment or suffering : discipline; also : purify

2 a : to prune (as a work or style of art) of excess, pretense, or falsity : refine
b : to cause to be more humble or restrained : subdue

We all know the story of Job and how blameless he was, but it isn’t until he is tried in the fire that his own righteousness finally meets the glory of God. What is purification, when there is nothing to purify? If a virgin is chaste, he/she has to be purified of something. And that is evidenced in scripture, that God isn’t concerned with virgins, as you have so eloquently stated…He is concerned with purity.

Zechariah 3:1-4 “Then the angel showed me Joshua the high priest standing before the angel of the Lord. The Accuser, Satan, was there at the angel’s right hand, making accusations against Joshua. 2 And the Lord said to Satan, “I, the Lord, reject your accusations, Satan. Yes, the Lord, who has chosen Jerusalem, rebukes you. This man is like a burning stick that has been snatched from the fire.”

3 Joshua’s clothing was filthy as he stood there before the angel. 4 So the angel said to the others standing there, “Take off his filthy clothes.” And turning to Joshua he said, “See, I have taken away your sins, and now I am giving you these fine new clothes.”

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Overcomers gather here. I'm Phylicia, and I believe in abundant life, practically. In singleness or marriage, work or home, we don't have to live in defeat! Join me to learn how to apply God's Word and preach the gospel with your life. View Full Profile

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