America’s Got Talent: So who won this thing?

Oh, as if I’m just going to come out and tell you. Listen, if I have to sit through 2 hours of filler and One Republic, you’re going to have to do a little work for the answer, too.

Poplyfe (NBC)

Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr (NBC)

Silhouettes (NBC)

Team iLuminate (NBC)

So which of those four acts is heading to Las Vegas (as the final act in a limited engagement America’s Got Talent show) with one million dollars (payed out over the course of 40 years) in their pockets?

First, we get to endure enjoy the top four acts perform with their “idols.” Landau performs “You’re All I Need to Get By,” with the fabulous Patti LaBelle. It’s interesting to hear Landau perform a straight-up R&B/soul song — and it’s something of a shame he didn’t feel free to do more of it in the competition. He seems considerably looser, more relaxed and in the performance. Of course that might just be because there’s nothing on the line anymore. Still, I think performing with a great like Ms. Patti LaBelle shines a bright light on his limitations as well. Landau’s really good! He’s just not Patti LaBelle good. Honestly, y’all. Let’s all be honest. Come join me and we can all be honest together.

Def Leppard? Def Leppard is here? Sure. Fine. Def Leppard is here to lackadaisically shuffle their way through a medley of “Rock of Ages” and “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” However, it’s hardly “still rolling” my friends. That rock stopped rolling a long time ago, I’m afraid. In fact, I’m not entirely convinced Joe Elliott is even awake.

BACKSTAGE DRAMAZ. So were you unable to sleep last night, wondering and worrying over what it was that caused the show to go late and push back the all-important third season premiere of Parenthood? Doors. The doors wouldn’t open. TRAGEDY.

Team iLuminate performs with one of the “hottest” bands around, Cobra Starship, whom Nick Cannon assures us is “dope.” I’m just going to have to take his word for it. The band performs “You Make Me Feel …” while wearing a few lightstrips on their jackets. Team iLuminate comes out and hops around behind the band and the best that can be said the whole thing is that it was.

We now get to sit through the obligatory “wacky auditions” montage, before brining out the “Audition All-Stars.” Their performance goes off as well as can be expected, starting from the first moment when the darling tone-deaf Indian couple attempts to start the entire performance of “Time of My Life” over from the start. Wacky! Fun! Not depressing! Why would you even say that? (I was going to use the phrase “fills me with existential dread” but then I realized that was THE EXACT SAME PHRASE I used last year about this same segment. So at least you know I mean it.

Silhouettes “duets” with LeeAnn Rimes but that’s not really the right word, is it? “Duets?” LeeAnn sings and they dance. That’s not “dueting,” it’s “performing.” Basically, Silhouettes’ performance is a compilation of moments from all their other performances, which is fine, if boring.

Oh hey, did you know that Howie and Piers, they fight, and it’s entirely for real and not all a big dumb act? Now you do.

One Republic plays that one song? The one that is used in all the trailers for romantic movies and in montages on Grey’s Anatomy? “Secrets,” I think it’s called? They have a shiny cello.

O HAI JERRY SPRINGER! Jerry (Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!) is here to explain that not only will the winner get a Cesaer’s Palace act, the other three acts will be performing along with them, as well as “the best of the top ten,” whatever that means, and Michael Grimm and everyone else who has ever auditioned ever on this show. So this is a very exclusive prize, is what I’m saying. Also, looks like kids will be performing in Vegas, whether you think it’s “appropriate” or not.

Tony Bennett and Queen Latifah come out and belt “Who Can I Turn To?” just to up the surreal quotient of tonight’s proceedings. This makes as much sense as anything else on this show, I suppose.

Poplyfe performs “Higher Ground” with the genius Stevie Wonder, and poor Kehlani takes a few moments to warm up, terrified, I’m sure, to be standing next to one of the greatest musicians of the 20th century. I, for one, would be unable to remember my name if you plopped me down next to Stevie Wonder, much less sing with him. But by the first chorus, Kehlani finds herself and her voice and she and the band manage to do an admirable job of accompanying the legend, and rock it right on out.

The cast of Cirque du Soliel’s “Iris” come out and Cirque du Soliel all over the place, prompting my 7-year-old to admit that he’s getting freaked out. You and me both, little guy.

Finally, FINALLY, the first result. The top four acts are herded out onto the stage, and the first to be eliminated is … Poplyfe. Oh, babies. You were so good, but this is not any kind of surprise. Now go. Go and grow up and be great.

The next to be eliminated is … Team iLuminate! WHAT? THIRD PLACE?! Are you kidding me, America? I gave up hoping that they would win, but I thought for sure they’d come in second. OH WELL. Sorry kids. You were fantastic, and I’m sure someone will find a place for you.

Because we still have 20 minutes to fill, Jackie “How Did I Not Win” Evancho comes out to perform some opera song. She’s lovely and remarkable and I still can’t quite believe that she didn’t win last year. How did that happen?

And this season’s winner is? NO. WAIT. First, let’s look at both acts’ “roller-coaster rides” here, because America’s Got Talent has never heard the expression, “brevity is the soul of wit.” (To be fair, neither have I. So.)

AND NOW, FINALLY, SOME 37,000 WEEKS LATER, THE WINNER IS:

Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr.! Of course! And despite what you might think, I am neither surprised nor disappointed with this decision. America loves a great story, and Landau has an amazing, inspirational story. Congratulations, Landau! You deserve it! Best of luck to you and your family. (And nice showing, Silhouettes, for being so classy in your loss. You guys are the best.)

So, did America get it right? Or was Team iLuminate robbed?

America’s Got Talent aired at 8 p.m. on Tuesdays and Wednesday on NBC, but won’t again until next summer sometime.