December 2007

3. The lady with the window seat drank four vodka tonics and passed out. I’m the nearly sober one who spilled my fucking tomato juice all over my her Hustler magazine. Who the fuck buys porn in an airport, btw?

4.There should be a “New Passenger Orientation” so experienced travelers don’t have to learn about how to buckle their seatbelt for the trillionth time.

6. Airplane seats go back all of three inches. Why is this comfortable (it is)? And why is it such a danger for seats to be slightly tilted during takeoff and landing?

7. Flight Attendant is such the party lifestyle (a different city every night which means few consequences for debaucherous behavior) and pilots are notoriously unfaithful to their wives.

1. Airports are a lot like purgatory, and most people are sleepwalking. I witnessed a guy waddle into a bathroom, squinty red beady eyes, probably seconds from REM sleep. After about thirty seconds and a few blood curdling screams later he lunged out of the womens’ restroom, very awakened.

10. During 9/11, passengers allegedly used their cell phones during flight. Conspiracy theorists doubt this point. I tested this several times during my plane rides. I never received even one bar.

8. The Detroit airport is badass with their half a mile tunnel stretch of surrealist mood lighting and experimental music. It is amazing how many people still don’t pay attention:

If the Religious Right wants to gets nuts about anything, they should focus their pious attention to the lifeless zombie monster that has taken over the gaunt body of Nicole Kidman.

If Harry Potter was to watch this movie (which he wouldn’t, because he’s a good Catholic) he’d scream: “Accio Axe!” and then Cho Chang would walk by crying about Cedric Diggory and the horrible editing.

If Marmaduke were to watch it, he’d slobber all over a Christmas tree and his miserable owner would say to his wife: “I’d love to crap in his caved in skull, but Santa may be watching.”

When I saw the movie poster for this film by the bus stop, I was attracted first to the “Star Wars-eque” layout, and secondly to Daniel Craig’s cute James Bond face. Let’s all hope that he keeps his face out of any sequels that this butthole on the body of cinema may spawn.

I saw this movie with a friend who disliked immensely. We sat in front of folks who we, via eavesdropping, determined to have read the book and their response to the film was that of kids who had to listen to their mom being humped by their new stepdad all night…roughly and hitting all the right spots, doing things to her that their real dad could never do.

Here’s some highlights from “The Golden Compass”:

A score that sounds like it came from a Nintendo 64 videogame.

A narrative flow that is as smooth as the colon compacting poop concretions of a dehydrated Whitney Houston.

Filled with the same amount of erudition as the underwear worn on one of Britney’s FAS anus babies, sitting in the corner drinking an Americano and watching his mom eat raw cookie dough.

A shameless sequel-begging ending that gets you as excited as the cold dead hands of Charlton Heston being wrapped around your “rifle”.

This movie should make atheists protest it, not Baby Jesus Fanboys. You’d think they’d want to be associated with a cooler movie, like: “The Hills Have Eyes” or something.

G F# E C G
Thanksgiving passes out through the esophagus
Now head downtown cause you need to buy more stuff
Buying more stuff is the stuff that makes the world go round
Starbucks coffee pour it on the bum on the ground

I have no idea why I am lactating. I’ve never been pregnant and I swear to the Virgin Mary I am not sleeping around. We could either view this negatively or kinkily. I mean, now we have an entirely new fluid to fool around with, right? Some creamy deliciousness to top off your morning coffee, or I could spray all over your hard chest and lick it off. Nutritious foreplay!

The future president of the United States of The U.S. of A. recently set the record straight once and for all about God. Mitt Romney has put America’s heart to rest and as his wonderful speech below clearly evidences, God is totally cool with Mormons.

Mitt Romney’s God Talk
“Freedom requires religion just as religion requires being totally awesome. Freedom opens the windows of the soul like the legs of Reese Witherspoon: easily. Freedom and religion endure together, or perish alone, with the exception of religious cults that compel people by social coersion and manipulation to live under patriarchal, hetero-normative subjugation….but, I digress. Uhh. Ahem. (cough, cough)”

“Let me assure you that no authorities of my church, those wonderful rich old white men in Utah, or of any other church for that matter, will ever exert influence on presidential decisions. Not even suggestions on what shoes to wear with ‘business casual’ from the homosexual Bishops of the Episcopal church! Their authority is theirs, within the province of church affairs, and it ends where the affairs of the nation begin, just like how the magical power of ‘Shazam’ can only be accessed when Billy Batson is Captain Marvel.”

“As governor, I tried to do the right as best I knew it, serving the law and answering to the Constitution. I did not confuse the particular teachings of my church, such as the belief that God and His wives are living near the planet or star “Kolob” and make spiritual babies, with the obligations of the office and of the Constitution – and of course, I would not do so as President. I will put no doctrine of any church, such as “No person having the least particle of Negro blood can hold the Priesthood” (Brigham Young) above the plain duties of the office and the sovereign authority of the law.”

“Americans tire of those who would jettison their beliefs, even to gain the world. Americans tire of those who would step into the Ninteenth Century out of convenience.”

“There is one fundamental question about which I often am asked. What do I believe about Jesus Christ? Have you seen that T-shirt that says: “Jesus is my Homeboy”?
Well, I agree with almost everything that T-shirt says.”

“I believe that every faith I have encountered draws its adherents closer to God. And in every faith I have come to know, there are features I wish were in my own: I love the delicious wine of the Catholic Mass, the boycotting of movies by the Evangelicals, the snake handling among the Pentecostals, the confident smugness of the Lutherans, the pickle making prowess of the Jews, unchanged through the ages, and the strict teddy bear naming regulations of the Muslims.”

“It is important to recognize that while differences in theology exist between the churches in America, we share the common creed of moral conviction:
homosexuals are Satan’s fodder.
Whether it was the cause of abolition, or civil rights, no movement of ‘conscience’ can succeed in America without first battling religious people. And we’ve still not given up!”

“In recent years, the notion of the separation of church and state has been taken by some well beyond its original meaning. They seek to remove from the public domain any acknowledgment of God, Murderous Is His Rage. Religion is seen as merely a private affair with no place in public life. It is as if they are intent on establishing a new religion in America – the religion of Secularism. This religion of Secularism is characterized by its colonialism, female circumcision, the relegation of women as belongings, reliance on guilt, and its pre-copernican worldview.”

“We should acknowledge the Creator as did the Founders – with slavery.
The Thunderous God, Glorious in His Spite And Disgust, should remain on our currency, in our pledge, and in the teaching of our history. I will take care to separate the affairs of government from any religion, but I will not separate us from God, Ready At The Apocalypse Button, who gave us liberty.”

“Nor would I separate us from our religious heritage. Perhaps the most important question to ask a person of faith who seeks a political office, is this: does he, and of course it will be a he, share these American values: buying stuff, sports, SportsCenter, DoubleStuff Oreos, dumpster babies, and world domination through pre-emptive war?”

“We believe that every single human being is a child of God–literally.
You can be certain of this: Any believer in religious freedom, any person who has knelt in prayer to the Almighty Fist In The Sky, Awaiting To Cold Cock The Universe, has a friend and ally in me.”