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Education Jokes

The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?” The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?” The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?” The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, “Do you want mustard with that?”

What Year are You? When I first started college, the Dean came in and said “Good Morning” to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded “Ah, you’re Freshmen.” He explained. “When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, it’s Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, it’s Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the instructor over the tops of the newspapers, it’s juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, it’s seniors.” “When you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, it’s graduate students.”

The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, “What did youlearn today?” The kid replies, “Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow.”

On a bright spring morning, four high school seniors decided to skip all their morning classes. They arrived at school after lunch and told the teacher a very longwinded story about the flat tire the car had gotten and all the problems they’d encountered in getting it fixed. To their immense relief, the teacher did not seem too concerned with the story. She just smiled and said, “I’d like you to make up a test you missed this morning. Take seats apart from each other and get out your pens.” When the boys were ready, the teacher said, “Each of you answer the following question: Which tire was flat?”

A recently seen bumper sticker on the San Diego Freeway: Hire college students, while they still know everything.

The parents were very disappointed in the grades that their son brought home. “The only consolation I can find in these awful grades,” lamented the father,”is that I know he never cheated during his exams.”

From The Seattle Times, Saturday, Dec 17th, 1988: The University of Wisconsin presented nearly 4,000 diplomas to graduates in May,but it took six months for someone to notice that the name of the state wasmisspelled ‘Wisconson’.

The Professor enters the classroom, looks around, and bids his charges a hearty”Good Morning!” The freshmen respond with, “Good morning, Professor!” Thesophomores mutter, “Morning!” The juniors grunt. And the seniors simply writedown the Professor’s greeting into their notes.

Reminds me of the one where the professor is droning away in the huge lecturehall when he notices a student sleeping way up in the back row. The professorshouts to the sleeping student’s neighbor, “Hey wake that student up!” The neighbor yells back, “You put him to sleep, you wake him up!”

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited andtalking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston. After hearingthem for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, “You men Harvard graduates?” “Yes Sir! Class of ’94!” they answered proudly. The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, “Class of’58.”

A true story; happened right here, not apocryphal. In my college dorm, we play ‘Assassin,’ like lots of students. Unlike mostpeople though, we use Silly String(tm) instead of water pistols, so that if youhit your target there’s never an argument about whether you really hit thembecause, well, they’re covered with Silly String(tm). But for those two weeks, you carry your Silly String(tm) everywhere, eveninto classrooms where you’re automatically safe. So there I was in thisPsychology class with my friend, and we were kind of holding our Silly String atthe ready while the professor lectured. The class was Psychology Of Group Behavior and the professor was describingour next assignment, which concerned group norms. (Group norms are the unspokenrules of a group, i.e. you don’t grab someone else’s dining-hall tray and starteating off it). She was telling us the project, which is to violate a groupnorm blatantly and intentionally and then write a little two-page paper aboutit. And my crazy friend gets up, walks down the aisle, and gets up on the stagewith the professor, and proceeds to cover her in Silly String(tm). Needless tosay everyone figured out what was going on, and the applause brought down thehouse. He only got a B-plus on the paper, though. Go figure.

Professor: I’m dismissing you ten minutes earlier today. Please get out quietlynot to wake up the other classes.

This maybe something of a ‘college legend’, but I heard it as true: A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: “Whatis courage?” The student wrote: “This”, signed it, and turned it in. I never knew what happened to the student, but I hope he got an A.

While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Educationbecame provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room. Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to bedoing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him inthe corner. A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded,”Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?”

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said thesarcastic lecturer. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. “Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired thelecturer with a sneer. “Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standingup there all by yourself.”

A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentarydrawing of himself on the blackboard. Fuming, he asked the class joker in thefront row, “Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?” The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, “I really don’t know, but Istrongly suspect its parents.”

Student: What’s your opinion on the paper I submitted last week? Professor: It’s absolute drivel. Student: I know, but let’s hear it anyway.

A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his class andopened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill.The only thing written in the book was “$100 = 100% – I get an A.” A month later, the student approached the professor. “I don’t understand,”he said. “I failed the course. Didn’t you read my final?” The professor handed the student the exam book. The student opened it toreveal $50 and the phrase “$50 = 50% – You fail!”

One day, a very attractive undergraduate visited the professor’s office. This undergraduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee “accidentally”, etc. Finally, the undergraduate said, “Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I’ll do anything you suggest.” The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, “Anything?” To which the undergradute cooed, “Yes, anything you say.” After some brief reflection, the professor asked, “What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?” The student lied, “Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then.” The professor then advised, “Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don’t you attend that.”

An economics professor at school had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were to be completed at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam. Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in. The professor looked at him and said, “Don’t bother to hand that paper in… you get a zero for continuing after the bell.” The guy looked at him and said, “Professor, do you know who I am!!” The professor replied, “No, and I don’t care if your dad is president of the United States…you get a zero on this exam” The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, “You mean you have no idea who I am???” The professor responded, “No, I’ve no idea who you think you are.” With that, the guy said “Good!”, plunged his exam into the middle of the stack of other students exams, and did a hasty retreat from the examination room!