Bandslam (review)

It’s official: rock ’n’ roll has been tamed. It must be if Walden Media (see: the Narnia movies), the movie company known for its family-values agenda (that is, one that adheres to the stereotypical narrow ideas about what constitutes both “family” and “values”) is taking it on. That’s how you get a rock ’n’ roll movie this calculated for sweet, feel-good blandness. And not the rock ’n’ roll kind of feel-good, either, unless you think the Jonas Brothers rock hard. Instantly forgettable but inoffensive, this is the tale of misfit teen Will Burton (the Shia LaBeouf-esque newcomer Gaelan Connell), who moves to a new high school that isn’t quite so much like “Guantanamo with a lunch period” as the old one, makes new friends, and starts managing a high-school band in preparation for the titular competition. Adolescent bumps in the road are struck, of course, but all the would-be excitement here is contrived and melodramatic, and painfully earnest at that — blame writers Todd Graff and Josh A. Cagan; Graff directs. Isn’t it suspicious that golden-girl cheerleader Charlotte (Aly Michalka) would hang around with the likes of Will? Will he learn to love the “eccentric” Sa5m (Vanessa Hudgens: High School Musical 3: Senior Year) — the “5” is silent — and she him, even though she mopes that “emotion is overrated”? Take Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist, delete all the raw pain and uncomplicated joy, and this is what you’re left with. It’s not awful, just awfully dull.

It’s not a great movie but it is good. At least worth 3 stars. But you would know that if you actually went to see it.

viewed at a semipublic screening with an audience of critics and ordinary moviegoers

MaryAnn doesn’t review films she hasn’t seen, JOrdan.

Luckily, I do: there is literally no way in hell this movie is any good.

MaSch

Then why is it a yellow light instead of a red one?

Wait, I guess it’s because the movie is too bland to venture into red territory, right?

bonnie

Your review skills are extremely lacking.

bonnie

Not saying you’re wrong about the movie, having not seen it, but I suppose I’m use to a different style of critiques.

Brian

I don’t know what more you are looking for, bonnie, but this review tells me everything I need to know about this movie. Actually, the last two sentences of this review tell me everything I need to know about this movie.

Wait, I guess it’s because the movie is too bland to venture into red territory, right?

Well, I dunno. My “review” has nothing to do with MaryAnn’s. I think she kinda thought it was okay, maybe? Hard to say, I didn’t read the review. ;)

No, I was just pointing out that MaryAnn has indeed seen the film, and then I tried to stir things up a bit with some vociferous negativity, despite knowing that JOrdan won’t ever stop by to read my response since she’s probably just a studio bot (the movie didn’t even come out until today, after all).

MaryAnn

It’s yellow because it’s not terrible, just not very adventurous. If I had a tween, I wouldn’t mind him or her seeing this, but I do wish it were sharper than it is.

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