Friday, December 6, 2013

Obama War Room: Grapes of Roth*

JOE BIDEN: Man, the wingnuts are gonna smoke us in midterms because of
ObamaCaca. Two years of Boehner and McConnell drivin’ the bus while we’re
sittin’ in back scratchin’ our . . .

OBAMA: Uh uh, Joe. Republicans controlling both Houses would be problematic
only if I respected the Constitution. Still, it would be easier if we kept the
Senate. Valerie has a plan.

JARRETT: Yes, we stop talking about
health care and tell our media allies to stop reporting on it. Then we launch a
sustained attack on the GOP's positions on our issues--open borders,
abortion on demand until the blob of protoplasm has lived one year outside the
womb, lifetime unemployment benefits, and so on.

JAY CARNEY: Soros's PAC has an
immigration ad in the can. They'll run it whenever we say. Opens with a Latino
woman breastfeeding her baby at home when Sheriff Joe Arpaio’s SWAT team storms
in, arrests her for exposing herself to a minor, carts her to the Rio Grande,
throws her in, and laughs as she paddles to Mexico. The voiceover: “It’s 2015
and Republicans control Congress."

OBAMA: Okay! What happens to the baby?

CARNEY: Orphanage. Right out of Dickens.

OBAMA: Works for me. Other
distractions.

BIDEN: I'm addressin' NARAL next
week, Chief. I’ll tell the ladies Boehner wants to discourage abortions by requiring
women to register their uteri with HHS. That’ll be good for a coupla news
cycles.

DAN PFIEFFER: How about this, sir: a
House Democrat switches parties, then introduces a bill criminalizing the
application of makeup while driving.

OBAMA: Good. Let's go positive, too.
Chuck?

HAGEL: Announce disbandment of the INS, sir. Millions of know-nothings will cheer you for eliminating the IRS.

JARRETT: That would save us
a bundle, Mr. President, and promote hassle-free passage into the U. S. of landscapers from Juárez and Tegucigalpa.

OBAMA: Wonderful. Streisand's always looking for people to tend her Shangri-La estate in Malibu. Other ideas?

JACK LEW: Sell China drilling rights
off the coasts of Florida and California, sir, then have our enviros tie up the
deal with litigation. If the court rules for the companies, a DNC black ops team will
blow a wellhead, setting exploiters back a decade. Your hands would be clean.

OBAMA: No way we can let those rigs
produce. Gasoline’s four bucks a gallon right now, a far cry from our $10 a
gallon goal. Last thing I want is more product and lower prices.

JARRETT: You haven’t responded to
China’s offer to lease California and build mega-manufactories staffed by
restive Muslims from Xinxiang Province.

OBAMA: I dunno. The Chinese say they just want “Made in the USA” tags on
their stuff. Sounds harmless enough, but something smells wrong. Stall them.
John?

OBAMA: Tempting. Get rid of Texas
and a couple other red states. That it?

LEW: McConnell and Boehner laughed
when I suggested Treasury assume management of the trillions sitting in IRAs,
sir. Too bad. The investments we might have made in America’s future.

BIDEN: Wienies. Argentina’s
government had the guts to take control of the country’s private pension funds.
Argentina! A tinpot regime shows the world’s most progressive declinin’
superpower howda do it.

OBAMA: Jack, what about the
windfall tax revenue you promised from this year’s one time Roth IRA “Pay the
IRS now, profit later” conversion deal?

LEW: The public hasn’t bought into
the promotion, sir. Frankly, only an idiot would pay taxes proactively while
you’re in office.

JARRETT: Mr. President, why not go
after the Roth trove itself ? Most of that money’s owned by the richest 40%,
people who don’t need the funds but invested in Roths to help their children
and grandchildren evade responsibility for the fix we’re bequeathing them.

BIDEN: Won’t work, Val . The Hill
will never legislate a surtax on Roth withdrawals.

OBAMA: Val’s not talking some measly
10% surtax, Joe. I want it all. Val, how do we do manage that?

OBAMA: Brilliant! With more money
than God, I‘ll buy off enough legislatures to repeal the 22nd Amendment.

LEW: Related matter, sir: Barney
Frank says the Republicans are undoing all the damage he did with Fannie Mae
and Freddie Mac during his tenure as Chair of the House Financial Services
Committee. He wants a firewall to stop them.

PFEIFFER: Barney’s right. Took years
of neglect for Fannie and Freddie to become a bureaucratic rats' nest.
Republicans are cleaning it out.

OBAMA: I’ll appropriate those
organizations and place them in trust with Treasury. Jack, recharter the two as
“Fannie Mae I” and “Freddie Mac the Knife,” the government’s fully owned “tough
love” lenders [snort]. I’ll ask budget hawks Paul Krugman and John Kenneth
Galbraith to serve as CEOs.

PFEIFFER: Galbraith’s dead, sir.

OBAMA: True. But when critics say
his agency reeks of corruption, we’ll have a counter.

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Author Bio

Steve Grammatico was born and raised in New Haven, Connecticut, and taught language skills in a New York City alternative school for troubled Utes. When the federal government defunded the program in 1994, the Utes returned to their ancestral homeland outside Salt Lake City, and Steve launched a career as a leg shark and loan-breaker for dyslexic mobsters. He considers Paul Krugman the best political humorist writing today.

In his spare time, Steve avoids watching The View and pursues an interest in Biblical archaeology. During his last trip to the Holy Land, Steve discovered ancient scrolls suggesting that before God rested on the Seventh Day, He decided to give mankind the gift of laughter, and so He created liberals.

Asked recently to describe a heartwarming memory from his time in teaching, Steve responded,

"One day I arrived at school to find that one of our juvenile delinquents had carved into the front door the words, 'Screw you!' Five years later the wiseass was long gone but his message lived on, greeting me every day as I arrived at work. Appeals to remove the offensive admonition were ignored.

"It took a while, but I finally hit on a solution. I came in early one morning, and with my trusty box cutter added 'th' to the word 'you.'

"Next day I arrived to find the door sanded and painted, the imprecation totally erased. If only I'd known earlier what it would take to move administrators to action."