Latest revision as of 16:39, May 15, 2008

intro (before the quote) [7]: Good introduction. You got the basic idea of what this article is about into it.

quote [8]: I liked the "innocent, natural" life these people lived.

conclusion [7]: The ending was fine, as far as I could tell.

Concept:

8

I suppose this is a parody of cults: good job. I don't know if it's completely "original", but you did a good job, therefore a 7 is in order. Oh dear lord, it's true! Good for you! Plus, you had an audio from Mordillo squished in there, which was a nice touch.

Prose and formatting:

7

A few mistakes, but nothing important.

Images:

8

You got the actual photograph from the article! Again, I love seeing parodies of actual events.

Miscellaneous:

7.6

avg'd

Final Score:

37.9

Hey, thank you for that article. I trust that a few things have been added since UU looked it over (I didn't really read his review down there). I liked the spin of this article, and, knowing how hard it is to write a good UnNews, I appreciate the extra effort you probably put into it. Is it VFH? I'm not sure about that in it's current condition, but maybe it's worth a shot...

Um, that was pretty good. Yeah, I won't be ripping to pieces here, but I'll try to make a few points. You picked a subject with plenty of potential (as noted below) which helps, and you added some fun ideas without getting too absurd. It's got a cynical edge to it, which fits with the spirit of many UnNewses.

I'm not sure what the point is of the bit about the Russian Heritage organisation, and it might help to have an explanation (or at least a hint) as to what kind of contract Nike are suing them for breaching. Generally though, it's quite decent. I think you missed something with the concept though, which I'll cover below.

Concept:

8

Yeah, this needed the treatment, and for the most part, you gave it what it needed. However, you may have missed one or two opportunities. One, the leader is actually receiving court ordered psychiatric treatment; two, he is thought to have ordered the people into the cave, but didn't actually join them. On both counts, WTF? I mean, who the hell is following this guy? And what was he meant to be doing if he wasn't in there avoiding the end of the world with the rest of them? And... basically, I think there's untapped potential in those bits which keeps you from the heady heights of a 9 or 10.

Prose and formatting:

8

No problems with the spelling and grammar (except to say you're admitted to hospital, not emitted - emitted is when something is given off, like light; oh, and the were let out within an hour), and the basics are done fine with the formatting and stuff. But that is a loooong old quote section in the middle, and it looks a bit much. Generally speaking, breaking longer blocks o' text up, even if it's just with a line of nothing, makes articles appear more readable instantly. Also, a few more links would be handy - there's plenty to choose from.

Images:

5

Hmm, one. For a start, an UnNews of this length really needs two, preferably at least one colour to make the page look more interesting. Also, the image, while relevant, is quite dull. If you don't have image editing skills, UN:PICcan help, but normally you have to be patient - with UnNews, you wait too long, it becomes less relevant. So I'd say you need to google or flickr or whatever for an image that kinda fits, and then caption it well. A cave would be handy. One with a bunch of people emerging would be a bonus. Really, that pic needs company. Oh, and the caption is possibly not subtle enough. Use the link to show your meaning, but word it less judgementally - UnNewses work well when you at least try to maintain the appearance of an "unbiased" news article. So perhaps "like many religious people, he is firm in his beliefs" or something would work better.

Miscellaneous:

7

Averaged. If I ever come up with an extra relevant comment about an article, it goes here. It rarely happens though.

Final Score:

35

Good work, overall. I think it stands well as an article right now (although I'd urge you to add another pic if you can). I hope you kick on from this, and write a few more articles - the very best way to improve is to write more, and you've made a very decent start. Hope this helps you - let me know if you want any more!

And, as ever, this is only my opinion, others are available. And good luck!