The Playground Bill of Rights

I received an e-mail from a loyal The Poop reader who recently had a distressing moment at the playground. The mother of an almost 2-year-old and 3-month-old watched as her trip to the park turned into a trailer for “Piranha 3D.” Her e-mail reads, in part …

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Article I: Protection from the Playground Russell Crowe.

My older son was bitten by a boy about his same age, while I was a few yards away, on a bench, feeding my little baby. My son shrieked, and I ran over, saw a wet mark on his shirtsleeve … and saw *individual teeth marks* (yes, like a shark) on his little arm, when I peeked down through his collar. The skin was broken, but not really bleeding… and I just felt miserable.

I’m still struggling to come up with a “correct” response (for next time — bah!)… and wonder if you/your readers have any thoughts. … Now, watch — next time, it’ll be *my* son’s teeth marks on a stranger’s bicep.

Which brings us to the Playground Bill of Rights. Below is a short document that was established to cover the basic rights of a parent and child in a playground situation, with some added advice for this mother. Your biting incident advice and/or suggestions for additional articles in the comments …

(This may be too much to ask on a Friday — the most strife-filled commenting day of the week — but let’s try to aim for constructive dialogue and not get in a big fight. (See Article III.) I’ll buy everyone an ice cream sandwich if we get through the day without a single racist remark in the comments.)

Preamble: The Playground Bill of Rights was established in the Bay Area for the increased enjoyment of everyone in playground situations. The following articles can also be applied to dog parks.

Article I: Protection from the Playground Russell Crowe. My sister’s 7-year-old son is the Playground Gandhi. He basically walks around the park helping younger kids, only enjoying himself when no other smaller children need his assistance. If another kid started a fight with him, I suspect he would pull out a prayer book, lower his head and take his beating without retaliation. For every Playground Gandhi, there is a Playground Russell Crowe, who throws things, starts fights, can’t share and has a temper that can escalate to the point of no return. Not passing judgment here — the nicest parents in the world can end up with a complete hellion. But if you have the Playground Gandhi, feel free to read your People magazine on a bench near the side of the park. If you are raising a Playground Russell Crowe (or a Playground Naomi Campbell) please supervise your child constantly.

Article II: Establishment of playground as a socialist state: The owner of a toy brought to a playground should be allowed to play exclusively with the toy until the toy is first abandoned. After that, anything brought to the playground should be considered community property, to be shared by all and possibly lost or destroyed. If you bring sand toys, expect them to be shared by at least five other kids and scattered across the playground. If you bring a soccer ball to play with your son or daughter, get ready to play with an entire playground full of kids (I’ve found that these situations turn out to be the best times at the park), one of whom may kick it over a fence. When we go to the park, I encourage my children to bring nothing that they expect to come home with intact.

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Just chill …

Article III: The right for everyone to chill the @#$% out: In a world without motor vehicle transportation, second-hand smoke, decreased decision-making capacity, workplace drug tests and the DEA, I think it would be a good idea for every parent to smoke a big bowl of weed before entering the park. The default mode for a parent should always be calm, even when tensions start to rise or hurtful things happen to your kid. Nothing gets resolved by a shouting match, and there are usually 20 kids around who will learn from this bad example.

Article IV: Protection from oblivious parents: Seriously, you should know ahead of time if your toddler is a little Mike Tyson. Our son went through a brief biting phase starting when he was about 18 months old, and we watched him like a hawk until it was over. If we sent him to the park with a grandparent or a babysitter, we warned them about his tendencies. And for months after this phase was over, we continued to watch him just in case. If you’re a parent, and your kid is prone to antisocial behavior, you should stay within pouncing distance of the child until the behavior changes — or don’t go to places where other children play.

Article V: Establishment of the Geico rule of playground mediation. Serious playground disputes should be treated like car accidents. If there’s immediate danger, act swiftly to mitigate the damage. If not, take a deep breath and calmly assess the situation. If there’s clearly no permanent damage (broken skin, broken bone, possibility of an ER visit …), the parent of the victim is entitled to one carefully worded response. (“We come here a lot. I’m hoping you won’t let your son bring a Taser to the park any more.”) If the damage looks considerably more serious, then the injured party should suggest exchanging information. If the parents refuse, treat the situation like a hit and run and think about seeking out a higher authority.

In the case described by our reader, I would suggest very calmly asking the grandmother for a contact number or e-mail in case the injury is more serious than it looks. (If there was blood, I might ask to look at a driver’s license.) Even if she refuses, this approach is going to impress upon her the seriousness of the situation. It will probably force her to bring the incident to the attention of the child’s parents or guardians. And I’m guessing everyone would become so horrified/afraid of future lawsuits, that the child would be supervised more closely in the future.

What articles would you add to the Playground Bill of Rights?

PETER HARTLAUB is the pop culture critic at the San Francisco Chronicle and founder of this parenting blog, which admittedly sometimes has nothing to do with parenting. You can follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/peterhartlaub.