Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Confusion and Delay: Whither Bike Share?

If I was a minimalist, it would only take me five minutes to pack up my five belongings and leave Brooklyn forever, which is what I wanted to do immediately after I finished watching this:

I realize it's supposed to be all cutesy and tongue-in-cheek, but unfortunately this is what people in Brooklyn are actually like now. (Which is to say cloyingly cutesy and tongue-in-cheek. Or, if you prefer, they're like Portlanders with money.) Also, the above scenario is highly implausible, because it's virtually impossible for even the most clueless transplant to get lost on a bicycle in Brooklyn now. As long as you enter the borough by bridge, all you have to do is stick to the bike lanes, since the Department of Transportation has taken great pains to make sure to route them through only he most gentrified neighborhoods. (Bike lane-ing is the new redlining.) As long as you're going to visit someone like the guy above, all you have to do is stick to the bike lanes and eventually you're going to wind up on his street. Really, you'd have an easier time getting lost on a carousel.

Meanwhile, if you're looking to take up the sport of Carbon Road Bike Bicycle Cycling, reader Omri the Magnificent (as I've just decided to call him) has forwarded me the definitive guide:

First, you'll need a crabon famre:

Then, you'll need some crabon handling bars to steer it with:

Don't forget the saddle:

By the way, you could save yourself about $560 here by cutting the chamois out of your shorts and gluing a pair of plastic rails to it.

As well as a lock, because of course you're an idiot and you're going to leave this five-figure lump of plastic outside:

When you're all finished, you'll have a $20,000 bike:

By the looks of things, the Stanley Wiggins-inspired British Fred Boom is going to be even dorkier than the American Lance Armstrong-inspired Fred Boom--and at least twice as expensive. I also imagine there will be a lot of disappointed Brit-Freds in space helmets riding home on Boris Bikes after their $20,000 lumps of crabon get stolen when they lock them up outside.

The Spinlister GuaranteeWe want you to be comfortable listing your bike on Spinlister. That's why we're guaranteeing your bike's safety on our system. If your bike is damaged or stolen during a rental period and the renter is unable to reimburse you for the fair value of your bike, we'll cover the cost up to $5000. And we'll buy you a cake.

The way it's going to work is, you're going to rent my "Beloved." Then it's going to get "stolen," and you're going to be "unable" to reimburse me. So, Splinster is going to give me $4,895.

And, for your troubles, I'll give you the cake.

If you're wondering why there isn't more in it for you, it's because I have overhead. For example, I'm going to need at least a few hundred from that $4,895 in order to buy more "Beloveds" from Performance. I figure that once I've got five or ten "Beloveds" in circulation I'll be able to retire before New York City finally gets the bike share program up and running. Then I can finally buy that hoverbike I've always wanted:

The best thing about a hoverbike is it's much harder to get "doored:"

got doored by a runaway taxi - 24 (Upper East Side)Date: 2012-08-21, 2:37AM EDTI was riding my bike on 84th on thursday. I was turning onto 3rd ave when a guy opened his door and i ran into it. I was shirtless, if you saw this and had the good sense to check the taxi plate. could you let me know?I got right up, i thought i was fine, but it was just adrenaline. I fucked my shit up. The Taxi drove off. I would like to sue his ass. not in a bad way. But ive payed 150 in co-pays alone. my iPod broke on the door and my bike needs work. Plus i had to skip some gigs i was supposed to play since my shoulder is in a sling. actually i might as well put a plug in for the gig ill play this thursday. this is more about the taxi though. Left Field Bar. Lower east side. 5 dollar cover. Thursday night, doors at 7. say you're there for Swerve. If you saw the Cab. and the long haired shirtless guy getting doored by it....please email me

Yeah, I spent three years in GB (1 in Glasgow, 2 in London), and the guys there are absolute maniac bike consumers.

They buy ridiculously expensive bikes (and locks) to go to work. I was amazed by the importance this takes in their lives. If you think USA is the land of Fred, think again: UK is THE Fred!

(Btw: When I was there, bikes cost as much as double the US (or Canadian) price. So a good way to make quick cash is to sell your old bike the same price (or more) you paid for it in USA/Canada. And they still think they had a good deal! It is wonderful.)

Can someone help me figure out what the bike twit fits out the Condor with that costs an additional $14,850? I know I'm not a British financier, but seems like a lot of money for a drivetrain, wheels, and pedals. Or does that include a complete Rapha wardrobe too? That would explain it. never mind.

So you spend all that money on super lightweight carbon components and a super aerodynamic teardrop helment for an incredible gain in weight and aerodynamics, but then you have to carry around a lock that weighs 5kg?

Snob, when you say "If you're wondering why there isn't more in it for you, it's because I have overhead" - overhead what? Overhead power cables?If you mean financial obligations, they usually travel in packs.

I cannot believe Todd Gugolski's nickname is "Gogo" when "The Great Googlie Mooglie" is sitting right there for the taking. I would start calling myself that even if no one else would. Even referring to myself in the 3rd person.

editor of the snobbly times:sir,i believe that the correct term for english 'freds' would be sir fredly freddington of freddington hall.yours pedanticallythe ghost of the honourable thomas simpson esq.

ps. i most firmly believe that all grand tours and classics, indeed all bike races of any kind, including fredly ones, should in future be ridden exclusively on boris bikes.but not triathlons. they would not be able to handle them with the required dexterity.i remain, sir, yours most faithfullythe ghost of the honourable thomas simpson esq

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!