A man is driving his five year old son to a friends house when another car cuts in front and speeds off almost causing a serious accident.

"Douche bag", yells the father.

A minute later he realises his indescretion and pulls over and turns to face his son.

"Your daddy just said a bad word" he says, "I was angry at that driver but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong but saying that does not make things right. I dont ever want to hear you saying that, Is that clear?"

Dave Gahan from Depeche Mode came up to me the other day and gave me some Brie, some Edam and a bit of Cheddar and told me not to share them with anyone. "Why not?", I asked. "Because," said Dave "they're your own personal cheeses".

Why is constipation like maths? Sometimes you have to work it out with a pencil.

What's brown and rhymes with snoop? Dr Dre.

Why does Snoop carry an umbrella? Fo' Drizzle.

Jonathan Ross has been arrested for stealing cutlery from a London branch of M&S. When interviewed by the arresting officer, Ross said "It was a whisk I was prepared to take".

I went to the zoo the other day and all they had was a small dog. It was a shihtzu.

Ian Paisley is walking down the street in Belfast holding a bike over his head. He says: "i'm holding a raleigh"

What do you get if you drop a grand piano down a mineshaft? A flat minor.