New Tools from the Society of Advanced Baseball Philosophy

BARSQS: Batting Average with Runners in Scoring Quantum SuperpositionA runner is only in scoring position if he eventually scores. More precisely, he is both in scoring position and not, and in different universes he does and does not score. Therefore, your closer is exactly as reliable as anyone else.

Adjusted Name of BaseballThis formula recognizes that the name “baseball” is arbitrary, as it only includes two of the many items that make up the game: bases and balls. It could just as easily be called “batgrass,” “cleatdirt,” or “sponsorshipantitrustexemption.”

E.R.A.: Existential Run AverageThis statistic acknowledges that all runs are unearned, because no one really deserves anything.

d.h.: Decimation of the HitterA measurement of how quickly the man at bat is fading into a shadow of his former self.

Exist VelocityHow soon all of the conditions we take for granted that make baseball possible will cease to exist.

Instant EphemeralityAn analysis proving that there is no such thing as replay; once a play has occurred, it will never happen again, even if you watch a screen that depicts it.

P.A.: Platonic AppearancesWhat would the ideal version of this player be, and how closely has he hewed to it?

WAR: What Are Replacements?Consider the very notion of replacement. No one is replaceable. Everyone is replaceable.

dWAR: Don’t Wonder About ReplacementsUnderstand that if anything were different, everything would be different. The trade has been made; move on.

BABIPThis is just a scatting sound.

Spin RateHow quickly the Earth is spinning as the days pass and we hurtle toward our demise.

FIP: The Fallacy of Independent PitchingSo-called Fielding Independent Pitching is a lie. Pitching cannot truly be independent of fielding, because the positions of the fielders, the fans, and every blade of grass affect the pitcher-batter matchup in imperceptible but possibly crucial ways.

SLG+: Slugging PerceptionPerhaps a home run is beautiful—a ball sailing in a parabola through the night sky and landing among smiling fans forgetting their troubles and experiencing a moment of pure joy. Or perhaps it’s a muscular man using a piece of dead tree to smack the skin of a slaughtered cow or horse into a mass of deluded fools who will someday die.