Friday, June 5, 2009

Cosmocking: July '09!

Pink cover! Lauren Conrad! The weird super-high-with-super-low-cutout shape of her neckline makes it looks like her boobs are down around her belly button! Which they clearly aren't, it's just a terrible neckline!

Hey, there's an article about how you can "have more than one soul mate." Oh wait, they don't mean at the same time. They just mean we shouldn't think that there's only one man in the world we could ever love. Uh, thanks, Cosmo. Next month, the shocking truth about the moon and green cheese?

We don't want you to beat yourself up--unless you're doing it for our benefit. "I was with a girl who had an epic freak-out--like relationship-ending stuff," says Jesse, 25. "But a few days later, she sent me an email, and instead of trying to explain away her behavior, she said she had thought about things from my perspective and was tortured about how she'd acted." Mustering up a few tears in the process also works wonders... but you didn't hear that from us.Cosmopolitan magazine will teach you how to exhibit classic syndromes of borderline personality disorder including a manipulative abuse-apology cycle, all with a cutesy "it must be harmless, I'm just a silly girl" tee-hee... but you didn't hear that from me.

Apologizing is important, no question that "I fucked up, sorry" is better than "let me explain why I was right all along," but dramatized self-flagellation is just creepy.

["things guys wish you knew"] A lot of us are insecure about our bodies. Women look like beautiful, soft, gorgeous angels when they're naked. We look like hairy ogres or little scrawny trolls.It's so nice that you're a heterosexual male! But I, personally, am not! Therefore, I am cursed with the illusion that certain ogre-trolls are attractive! Am I crazy for this? I guess so!

Also, if you don't think you're hot, why do you think women are sleeping with you? Answers range from the merely desexualizing ("my sense of humor?") to the depressingly inevitable ("money?").

Q: What can I say midbooty that isn't too tame or too raunchy?A: "You make me so wet."Well, god forbid I say something too raunchy, I'm only having sex here.

Q: What should I do after I tie him up?A: Like your way from his neck to his ankles and then back again.Ew? Licking is funtimes, yeah, but doing a methodical tongue bath seems like kind of an awkward, soggy waste of a tied man.

Q: What does a penis ring do, and will my boyfriend like one?A: It constricts bloodflow and keeps him hard longer. It can be hard to remove, so steer clear.Cock, Cosmo. COCK. It's a COCK RING.

But that doesn't matter, because all you need to know about pee-pee naughty-place rings is that they're way too risky for a little dear like you, don't you bother giving them a thought now. They don't make kinds with removable snaps or anything.

Q: How can I tell if I smell okay down there?A: Touch yourself and smell your finger.This is absolutely correct of course, it's just a hilarious mental image. And that someone had to ask.

Q: How can I get him to spank me?A: Spank yourself and he'll follow suit.You know, if you're incapable of human speech, you really ought to give some thought to learning sign language or at least keeping a notepad handy.

Q: Does it feel different getting it on with an uncircumcised guy?A: No.Um... yeah it does. At least sometimes. The foreskin slides back and forth inside you, you can feel it. This one isn't ideologically offensive or anything, but it's wrong, and I wonder why they bothered putting it in the article then.

Q: What does being inside me feel like for him?A: Stick your finger in your mouth and suck and you'll get an idea.In my mouth?

Your makeup may be off and your hair may be a bit messy, but taking one last second to primp can make you feel great. Keep a bottle of your favorite perfume on the nightstand, and spritz your body once before you crawl under the covers.Why, is there someone I'm trying to impress hiding under there? Maybe it's just some fundamental difference in wiring, but having all the beauty shit off doesn't make me feel bad, it makes me feel free. I don't wear my work uniform to the beach, and I don't wear my date uniform to bed.

There's more, but Christ, it's like 500 degrees in here and I can't think. I'm taking a cold shower and going to bed. Maybe I'll write a Part II if my keyboard doesn't melt.

"When a guy says he doesn't know why you're mad at him, deep down, he does.Oh God Cosmo. Why would you do this? The consequences could be hideous!"

Are you kidding me? Every girl I've dated has pulled this crap. "I'm mad at you." "Why?" "You should know." It's enough to put me off dating alltogether. The whole line of reasoning pisses me off: she's angry, and she's not going to tell me why. Instead she's going to tell me I'm a crappy boyfriend because I'm not telepathic! So now I feel bad because she's angry with me (I'm sorry! I have no idea what I did! Tell me so I don't do it again!) and now I feel crappy because she thinks I'm a terrible boyfriend.

Incidentally, this has become a deal breaker with me. "You should know." "Well I don't so tell me or we're done."

"A guy's lying if he says he doesn't manscape.There are more guys between heaven and earth, Cosmo, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. And some of those guys, well, you could shear them and make a sweater."

*SNORT* Hey cosmo-ladies, pay attention: your foundation isn't sexy, your *skin* is sexy. Your lip gloss isn't sexy, your *lips* are sexy. Your top isn't sexy, your *boobs* are sexy. Your skirt isn't sexy, your *legs* are sexy. What's great about makeup and clothes is that they can accentuate these different parts of your body making them even *more* sexy, but most men don't want to fuck a miniskirt and some mascara.

"It's so nice that you're a heterosexual male! But I, personally, am not! Therefore, I am cursed with the illusion that certain ogre-trolls are attractive! Am I crazy for this? I guess so!"

So the thing is guys actually do have huge body issues because while over the past 10 years there's been a lot more push to accept women of varying body types... well there's still ONE man type.

"Also, if you don't think you're hot, why do you think women are sleeping with you? Answers range from the merely desexualizing ("my sense of humor?") to the depressingly inevitable ("money?")."

Ayup. Or because they feel a need via codependancy or because society tells them they have to...