Date: Fri, 26 Mar 2010 10:34:29 -0700
From: Pat Marke
Subject: Don't Die My Love
DISCLAIMER-
This matterial is a work of fiction. Contains graphic descriptions of sex
between members of the same sex, and relation. If this type of matterial
offends you, please do not read on. Also contains strong language. If you
are under the age of 21/18, please do not read on. Otherwise, read at your
own risk.
Note From the Author-
This matterial does not go straight to the eroticism of the story. It may
take a little while to get there. So, if you're looking for a quick thrill,
this is not the story for you. Makes sure to have read the first and second
parts of this story as well.
Don't Die
My Love
**
The baby was helpless. He lay in his mother's arms as the doctors and
nurses cleaned him up. His breathing was labored, and he looked like he
wouldn't even make it through the night.
"What's wrong?" asked LaToya Jameson as her little boy flailed in her arms.
"We're not sure. I'm going to have to put him in NICU." the doctor said
sadly. "He may have a birth defect."
"But that's my baby." LaToya said as tears filled her eyes.
"He'll be brought back to you for a while if we see him progress. Right
now, it doesn't look too good. Do you have a name for him?" the doctor
asked as he reached for the little boy.
"Blade. After my big brother. He was just as handsome as this little guy."
she said kissing the boy's forehead.
LaToya Jameson felt tired after delivery. Her sister, Linda Dilson, had
stepped out to let her husband know that she had delivered a boy. LaToya
closed her eyes and settled down on her pillows. Every muscle in her body
felt broken, and crushed. She felt wonderful apart from that, though. She
had just delivered a little boy.
"Feelin' okay, love?" asked a little voice from far away. Linda had come
back, and seen her sister asleep.
"How long have I been out?" asked LaToya looking over at her sister.
"About four hours. How you feelin' girl?" asked Linda softly.
"Fine. How's Blade?" she asked softly.
"We're trying to get Terry over here. Don't worry. Things will be
fine. Blade'll be okay soon."
"What are you talking about?" asked LaToya as her heart began to thud.
"Honey, Blade has Cystic Fibrosis."
**
Blade Jameson lay on the hospital bed looking at his mother who was beside
him. The thirty-three year old man was tired, and helpless.
"You need anything?" asked his mother laying a hand on his forehead.
"No. Maybe a little bit of water." Blade said sighing. "I feel so
sick. Like I've got the flu or something."
"I'm proud of you." said LaToya sighing. "The doctors are amazed."
"I exercise, ma. I guess it always loosens up all the crap in my lungs, and
stuff." he said sighing. "Mom, does Jason know?"
"No, darlin'. He don't." she said sadly. "I haven't told him."
"I'm in so much trouble." Blade said softly. "Mom, I'm dying. There's no
other way around it." Blade said sighing. "I'm dying."
"You've made it thirty three years, Blade." said LaToya sighing. "When I
first held you in my arms they told me that you were given fifteen years to
live. My brother died at twenty-two." she said softly.
"I thought you and aunt Linda were the only two in your family." Blade said
as he lay there with his eyes closed.
"No, baby. I named you after him. My brother Blade was a CF patient. He
spent six months in the hospital, and passed away after a while. There was
nothing we could do for him. But Blade," she said as Blade began to shake
violently. "You've gotta understand, he wasn't like you. He avoided all the
things that you're clinging to. He never had any close relationships,
because he knew he'd have to say goodbye, and to him, that was the most
painful thing. He wasn't as confident as you, that he'd make it through
every night for the twenty something years he did. He feared death every
day of his life. He spent so much time expecting it, he was alone. He was
close to my father, grandpa Dilson, and my mother. They were all close. He
preferred me over Linda, and Linda understood why. She knows she's not easy
to talk to. She's too extroverted. You know? Anyway, he never found a
partner. He never had friends. He was always on his own. He was happy, but
he was expecting to be dead after fifteen, and he sort of let everything
go."
"So, what does this have to do with me?" Blade asked wiping sweat from his
face.
"You've got friends, a job. Honey, you have me and Jason. Most importantly,
you've got Jason." she said softly. "He's your support system. He gives you
hope for tomorrow. Always. You should see your faces light up when you two
are together. To someone like me, it's obvious how in love you two are. You
both bounce off each other. He's counting on you, you're counting on
him. More than you know."
"It's that obvious, huh?" Blade said softly as his eyes closed. Images of
his brother popped up in his mind. His brother was the only thing he lived
for.
"Yes. You two can't keep your eyes off each other. Or your hands." she said
laughing a little. "I've seen you in the kitchen. You two would die if I
told you guys you were forbidden to be with each other."
"I should've followed uncle Blade's footsteps. I really shouldn't have
gotten in this deep with Jason."
"Why?" asked LaToya curiously. "Why not, Blade? Why not have a partner? Why
not have a great relationship? Why avoid it, and stay by yourself, without
a support system, when you're going through the worst time of your life?"
she asked softly.
"Because he was right. Mom, it's going to be so bad when I'm gone for the
boy. Jason's so fragile. Remember when I went to college? Remember when I
went to jail? Mom, if Jason was like that those two times, imagine what the
hell he's going to be like when I pass away?"
"But who says you'll pass away?" asked LaToya defensively.
"Mom, please! Don't feed me all this false hope! I've looked my condition
up so much over the last fifteen years. Every person with CF has died. A
lot don't make it to where I'm at. Hell, I don't know how _I made it to
where I'm at." Blade said as anger rose in him. "I'd have thought that I'd
be gone by now. It's the only secret I've kept from my brother."
"You ought to tell him." said LaToya sighing. "As soon as you can."
"I can't, mom. You can't either. If Jason found out, he'd be in so much
pain. It would make things so much worse for both of us. In fact, I'm not
going back." Blade said making an on the spot decision. "I'm not going back
to Washington with you if they let me out of here alive. I'm buying a place
here, and you're telling Jason that I'm gone. You can't tell him where I
am. I'll be back soon, tell him. I'm not going back with you."
"Blade, don't be hard headed. You're acting with your dick, Blade. LaToya
said sighing. "Be reasonable."
"Mom, the life is draining out of me. I can feel it. There's no more left
in me. Say I made it another month after going back with you? What if I
pass away over there? Jason should've been back from Haiti by now, and he's
probably waiting for us. Mom, I can't say goodbye to him."
"Then, don't. Just pretend like everything is normal, then--"
"Mom, how can I pretend everything is normal? It's not! Mom, I'm dying! I
can't go back to Jason like that! It'll kill him!"
"Think about it, Blade. I advise, you not to be stupid." she said
sighing. "I will respect whatever you decide to do."
**
It had been three weeks since my return from Haiti. As a relief aid worker,
I'd go on missions with programs, and my main focus was on Haiti. Now, I
found myself back in Seattle, and I was waiting for my next assignment. It
was just me, and my aunt Linda in the house. It had been, ever since I
returned. She had told me that my mom and Blade had gone on a trip. Blade
was sent away somewhere on a job. He was a fire fighter, and sometimes,
they volunteered to go to places and help where it was needed. The door
opened, and my mom came walking in. She closed the door. Her eyes were very
red, and she looked like she was about to cry some more.
"Hey, mom. How are you?" I asked tentatively.
"Fine." she said coming over to me and giving me a hug. "Y?"
"Good. Made it back okay. Plane was long, but it was fine. Where's Blade?"
I asked noticing that no one came in behind her.
"Honey, I'm not sure. We sort of got separated." she said sighing. "I'm not
sure where he is. He said he'd let me know." she said sounding a little
strange.
"Mom, you look kind of scared." I said looking at her face.
"I'm just tired." mom said sighing. "Listen, I'll let you know. In the mean
time, would you like some dinner?" she asked. "Linda and I are going for
Chinese food. Would you like some?" she asked.
**
It was the first week without my mother. I still felt tired, and weak. I
couldn't eat, because it hurt my stomach very much. She had to leave. She
had to go take care of Jason. Jason, my brother. Jason, my best friend. Why
had I chosen to leave him?
I'd been afraid. Afraid that if I told Jason all about what was going on,
he'd leave. Or worse, he'd want to stay with me, and help me. But there was
no help. Or cure. Or treatment. There was only careful guard. Guard against
a colony of viruses that could infest my lungs, my stomach, my sinuses, and
throat. Pretty much my whole body. Why I had made it through infancy, I
didn't know. Jason was looking for me. Or for a reason why I wasn't home
with mom. We'd come all the way to California in order to make my life
easier. In order to get me a little more time, my mom said. In Washington,
just after Jason had left for Haiti, I'd gone into a sort of fit with my
lungs. They were full of phlegm. It was bad. I couldn't breathe, and I
couldn't do anything. The dr. that is treating me right now, said that the
lining in my stomach was in danger as well. I had a little bit of an idea
how, and I knew that the disease didn't tie into your lymphatic's. So, I
was fine if I exercised. That's the reason why I was here today. I had been
a playful boy, and as a teen, I was a jock. Always athletic. I couldn't not
work out, because it would make me gain weight if I ate like a pig. I
couldn't believe where my life was now.
Los Angeles was a very strange town. There were no familiar faces. I hated
the fact that I had no one to talk with. Yet, I didn't act like I normally
would. In my situation, I thought that looking for friends was the best
thing to do. I'd be surrounded by people, and I'd be able to go to someone
when I needed help. As extroverted as I am, I really hate being alone. But
not anymore. Now that my death was so near, I knew that I shouldn't make
any more friends. I shouldn't try to make relationships, because it would
be too painful to say goodbye. So, I did what any man would do. Or, what
any man whose extroverted, wouldn't do. I got myself a night job at a local
convenient store. It was a 711, and of course, it was open twenty-four
hours a day. It was out in the middle of nowhere, and I wondered how the
hell it got its clients. Usually teens, and truckers who are doing pit
stops. It didn't even have a gas station near. My first day on the job was
actually very calm.
"You sure you can handle it, Jameson?" asked the manager as she came and
set me up. "I guess I shouldn't be asking that. You're tall. You're
strong. Just make sure you call the police." she said sighing.
"What?" I asked looking at her questioningly.
"Today's Halloween, Jameson. You're looking at getting at least one or two
TP'S, and one attempt at a burglary."
"You've got nothing to worry about, Ms. Parker." I said smiling. "It's
fine. No one will come after anything while I'm here." I said smiling.
It was true. Who'd dare to tackle a six foot eleven guy? Jason was tall,
six one. Jason. My brother. I had to find a way to let him know I still
cared.
My eyes closed, and I pictured myself back in my old house. Lying on the
rug in front of the fire place, Jason beside me. The feeling of his smooth
skin. The beautiful white of his face as I reached out to touch it. To
stroke his porcelain face. Oh, I needed him. I realized that tears were
streaming down my face, at the same time I realized that someone was
standing right in front of me.
"You okay?" asked the boy.
"Allergies." I lied.
"Right. Sure. Or homesickness." said the boy seriously. "I've never seen
you here before. When did you move in?" he asked. "Where?"
"Couple days ago. Two weeks. I've lost track of time. I'm Blade, by the
way."
"Efraim." he said extending his hand. "Native American decent. Reservation
just a mile from here."
"How old are you?" I asked surprised.
"Seventeen." he said sighing. "Feels like seventeen, hundred." he added
slowly.
I ran his bottle of Pepsi through the register. "One fifty." I said trying
to clear my head.
"How about, ten dollars, and you come hang out at my place tomorrow?
Sunset? Just before your shift?"
"I don't think that's a good idea." was what I meant to say. What actually
came out faster than I could stop it was, "Sure! I'd be glad to. I have to
warn you, though. I end my shift at seven. Might not make it to your
place. Tired."
"You'll make it. In fact, where are you at? I'll come for you." he said
smiling. "That way, you'll be sure to show."
I told him where I lived. He was nice. He was built just like my brother,
but his skin was russet, like mine. He was average height, six one, and a
half. He was quick to add the half part in there. He felt short, he said.
The rest of the night, no one came. It was around five in the morning, when
I got another customer. It was a thirteen year old girl who held a huge
basket of candy. She smiled at me. "Do you have a phone?" she asked.
"Sure." I handed her my cell phone.
I watched as she dialed and placed it to her ear. "Mom? I lost
Rasha. Probably at her house. At the 711 in the middle of nowhere. Kay. See
yuh. Bye."
The rest of the day was pretty uneventful. I got out of work, and went to
the gym. I guess the doctor was kind of right. It did loosen all the junk
in my throat, lungs, and who knows where else. I got to my apartment at
about ten. It was really sunny, despite the fact that it was almost
Christmas. Well, it was November, anyway. I entered my apartment, and I
made myself some food. My cell phone began to vibrate. It was my mom. Jason
could no longer call, because I'd changed my number on him. I felt so rude!
Damn, what an idiot.
"Hello?" I said as I lay down on the floor. The carpeting had a clean smell
about it. Almost like it had been shampooed before I moved in.
"How are you, Blade?" she asked. She sounded bitter. Like she'd been
crying.
"Fine. What's wrong?" I asked concerned.
"Jason was sent on another relief mission. My oldest son's being a total
fucking idiot. His name is Blade. You met him?" she asked.
"Mom. We talked about this. It's all for his own good."
"He's asking for you, Blade! What the hell am I supposed to tell him?" she
asked yelling into the phone.
"At this rate, the tri-state area will be able to hear you." I said
sighing.
"Come back home, Blade. We can help you. Jason will be more than happy to
help."
"No, mom. I'm doing fine. You promise not to give him my number?"
"As much as I'm hurting, yes. I promise not to give him your
number. Although, you're being quite a bastard, I must say. Sort of
Terryish."
"Mom, no. _Never, say, that, again." I said as my blood began to boil.
"You are. You're acting like your father. You're setting yourself up to
fail, Blade. What if something happens to you, and you have to go to the
hospital?" she asked frantic.
"I'll fix it." I muttered. "Listen, mom, I'm tired. I got a night job at
711. I went to the gym afterward. I think I'm gon' hit the hay."
"You mean, hit the carpet? I saw the shack you're livin' in." she said
angrily. "At least fix it up a little. Get some furniture, and a television
set."
"I won't be here long. Trust me." I said as my eyelids drooped. "I'll call
you?"
"Blade, if you hang up now, and you refuse to come home, then, I'm not
sure, hon. You'll just break my heart."
"Mom, I'll think about it." I said sighing. "I'll call you soon."
"I love you, then." she said.
That's how the rest of the time I spent here went. I hung out a lot with
Efraim. It was strange at his reservation. He was hopeful. Hopeful for a
better future than he saw, hopeful for a better outcome. It was on my third
visit that I saw just how bad it really was.
"Did you get the cokes?" asked his friend Lester.
"Three cokes. Hey, Blade, you ever been cliff diving?" Efraim asked
curiously.
All three of us were hanging out on the porch. "Nope. Too scared. Too
chicken for that type o' shit."
"Well, we should take you sometime." said Lester smiling. "It's pretty
good."
"Hey, whatever happened to Julius?" asked Efraim curiously.
"He's an alcoholic now. I heard he's started drinking Sterno."
"Shit!" I cried before I could stop myself.
"These kids ain't got shit better to do. He's a damn good cliff diver,
too. Also plays basket ball. I heard he went to his last game drunk. He
still won the game."
"Do the grown ass people around here know what's going on?" I asked as I
lay on the porch step. "I mean, isn't anyone stopping you?"
"Well, no. Their fathers did it, they did it, the kids are doing
it. Hell. Efraim and I have no clue why we stopped."
"What made you quit?" I asked looking both of them in the face.
"I was walking down the street, and I saw a man lying on the sidewalk. He
had been shot by his best friend. His best friend had been drunk, and the
gun had accidentally gone off. I figure, if I ever end up like that, I'll
be in deep shit." Lester said sighing. "I saw the blood."
"I was riding in my dad's car, and I was headed back home. I was a little
buzzed, and I guess I don't know what the hell happened. I felt the car hit
something, and saw a bike hit my windshield. To this day, I don't know if a
kid or a person was on there. I never picked up the bottle again. Been dry
as a bone, clean as a whistle."
"Why doesn't anyone do anything about it?" I gasped as my stomach churned.
"It's something everyone's in. It's like a cycle. No one can break it, and
those who do, end up drinking themselves to an early death anyway one way
or another."
A man came walking past the porch. He spotted us and
smiled. "Efraim. Lester. How are you both?" he asked.
"Good. This is Blade." said Efraim looking over at me. "He's new in town,
and I am showing him the reservation."
"I knew you would come, brother." he said coming back to our porch. I stood
to shake his hand. Instead, he took both of my hands and looked up at
me. Looking me straight in the eyes. "Your story is deep. Don't take the
path you're taking. Go back, and make the other turn in the road. He needs
you, and you need him. Death is always near for all of us, yet none of us
are fleeing from what we know we cannot live without."
I felt strange. As if I was floating. I stared at him questioningly. He
seemed to know what I was about to ask, because he nodded.
"Things can still come out right." he said smiling. "I see it." he closed
his eyes and tilted his head up to the sky. "You are a very wise man. You
will make the right choices. It'll take time for the ideas to get into your
wolf head." he said slapping my chest. "But you'll make it through. We all
look into our past, and it's almost like dancing with your skeletons." he
said. "I must, go. See you soon, cousin." He was gone before any of us
could say a word.
"So, you're Blade Wolfe?" asked Efraim as his face whitened.
Both boys had risen to their feet. I stared at them. We were all standing
as though ready to run for it. I realized both their faces were white. "Who
was that?" I asked looking from one to the other. "Can you explain to me
what the hell is going on?"
"He is our story teller. Normal people call him Charlie. We all call him
Thunder Cloud. That's his Indian name. Just like Lester over here."
"Yeah, but at least Thunder Cloud is a good name. Who wants to be known as
Lester Screams A Lot?" asked Lester going red. "They say I cried and
screamed that much when I was a papoose. But hey, you're Blade Wolfe. How
the hell could I miss that?"
"It's Blade Jameson." I corrected as my mind reeled. "Will you explain to
me what Char--"" I stopped. "What Thunder Cloud said?"
"Some say he can see the future. People are looking for him. The
police. He's wanted for telling false stories. His sentence is death, by
hanging." said Efraim sadly. "Our police, not city folk."
"The Indian government system is bent on keeping us all down. Usually,
Thunder Cloud knows when people are going to fuck up their lives, or people
that will make it. He still has faith in Julius. He told your story a
little while ago. Maybe a week. None of us knew that it was you."
"What? What story?" I asked confused.
"It was a story about a man seeking isolation. Trying to get away. But his
personality brings him out, despite himself. He's battling with a disease
he knows there's no cure for. Secretly. It's the deepest secret he holds
from his best friend. His brother. Yet, he and his brother are tied so
closely, that it's hurting both. I remember him falling to his knees and
holding his chest. He said the pain was so bad. He felt like shooting
himself."
My own pain wanted to escape in a howl. I realized I had to get out of
there. Were Indian cultures really better than just the plane old Caucasian
culture? Or even any other culture that could be this weird?
"What's the deal?" asked Efraim's friend. "What do you have?"
"Cystic Fibrosis." I said in a whisper without being able to stop
myself. "I " born with it. They gave me fifteen years. It's past due." I
said softly.
"You're also late for your job." Lester said softly. "Want a ride?"
"I'll just run there." I said as I walked off the porch. "Thanks. See you
guys later."
So, with a heavy heart, and a lot of confusion, I left. As I walked through
the center of the little reservation, I saw two men fighting. They were
yelling, and cussing at each other as they punched every part of each other
they could reach. Then, suddenly, they both wrapped their arms around each
other, and kissed. Both of them smiling. Blood was covering both of them,
and they both had scratches all over their faces, but they hugged, and I
watched in astonishment as the two men walked off arm in arm.
"My family, is so fucking weird." said the boy as he walked along side of
me.
**
When I returned a week later from my second trip to Haiti that year, I
discovered a letter under my pillow. It was strange how the letter didn't
make me feel painful, or wrong. I just felt that familiar shield of
numbness hit me. Almost as if I had the will to call it to me whenever I
felt like I needed to forget about my love.
Jason, I'm leaving. There's a lot I need to figure out, and I may never
come back. It's all about me, though. It was nothing you did. I just want
you to know, that I'm in the worst pain ever. I'm breaking my promise to
you, that I would never leave you, or let anything happen to you. I'm
afraid that due to the situation that I'm in, we cannot continue to be. I
have to face that fact that you were never anything more than my _little
brother. I should've known that. I shouldn't have led you on. I shouldn't
have let you go that far. We're just brothers. Not best friends, not
anything more. You're just Jason, and I'm just Blade. Forget about me, and
my letter, and destroy this as soon as you finish reading it. Don't bother
looking for me. Just know that you'll always be my Jason. No matter what.
Regards, Blade
I stared at the letter just waiting for the tears to come. They didn't. I
got up, and walked into the bathroom. My mom was in there brushing her
hair. She saw me come up behind her and turned around.
"Whoa. You okay, Jay?" she asked.
"Yeah. Fine. Just need that cup on your left." I said. "Please. Filled with
water."
I took the cup she gave me, and soaked the letter in the water. I watched
as the paper became pulp, and I flushed it down the toilet.
"What was that?" my mom asked looking aghast. "Do I wanna know?"
"It was a letter from Blade." I said flatly.
"He's being an idiot. Don't worry. Whatever he said--"
"Mom, stop. I don't know what's going on, but I don't care. Blade's left,
and that's fine with me. Things won't stop. The world keeps going if you
lose a loved one. I'm not gonna die if he's not around." I said as beads of
sweat started to slid down my back. "Who cares. I'm going out."
"Where are you going, love?" she asked.
Blade used to call me that. "I'm going to see Terry. I'll be back." I said
surprising even myself. "I'm not taking the bug."
"Jason, be careful. Please." my mom said sighing.
I drove off in my mom's little VW. It took me about forty-five minutes to
get across town. I parked on the other side of the street. I took out my
cell phone, and called Blade. The number had been disconnected. I wasn't
going to ask mom for it either. I deleted him off my phone, along with
every picture that I had of him. Then, I got out of my car.
I walked across the street, and up the drive way. I reached out and knocked
on the door. I waited about a half a minute before the door opened and a
lady stood there staring at me.
"Can I help you?" she asked sounding a little bitter.
"I'm looking for Terry." I said boldly. "He in?"
"I'll go get him." she said turning away and heading back in. I could hear
her booming voice yelling at the top of her lungs. "It's for you, Terry!
Get your ass out here before I go get you myself!"
It took three seconds for him to come bounding down the steps. Wow. He'd
really let himself go. He had gained a lot of weight. He came to the door
and saw me. He didn't look too surprised. As a matter of fact, he didn't
look like he much cared.
"Hey." he said smiling. "I'm surprised. I thought you didn't want nothin'
to do with your old man. You've grown."
"Just came by to talk with you. Come out." I ordered. "Let's go talk."
"But back in a while!" he yelled as he stepped outside.
We both made our way to my mom's car. Well, my car. She's getting the
bug. There's no way I'm driving that trash heap.
"So, whatcha want, kid. Time is money." he said leaning against to
hood. "You ain't lookin' too good."
"I just wanted to know why." I said as I stood there. "Honestly. No more
bullshit, Terry."
"You're a grown man, Jason. I can't force you to do anything you don't
want. But it's a lot more respectful if you'd call me dad. As I am your
father."
"My father? I don't have one. I never had one even when you were around." I
said with a smile. "You treated us all like shit, man. All of us." I said
sighing.
"Why'd you come to me? Just to let me know you hate me?" he asked with a
grimace.
"I wanted to know your point of view on the whole thing." I said as I
leaned on the other part of the hood.
"Your mother and I really didn't see eye to eye after Blade was
conceived. I didn't want a kid that early. So, I asked her to have an
abortion. She chose to keep it. Anyway, you were born ten years later. I
swear, Jason, you're not mine. You're too white to be mine." he said
bitterly. "Your mother is a very strange lady. I'm not calling her a tramp,
or anything. She's just--" he stopped. "Your mother's a strange
girl. Anyway--"
"Phone call, Terry!" shouted the lady.
"Gotta go. Come back anytime for the rest of the story." he said as he
walked away.
I didn't reply. I just got in my car, and I left. I headed straight home. I
went through another zombie stage. I packed up all the things that belonged
to Blade, or reminded me of him, and I stashed them in the attic. I took
down the frame that I'd gotten with his picture in it, and I packed it away
too. I took about three days to do all that. My room became considerably
bigger after I did this. If the time ever came when I had to put the room
back to normal, it wouldn't take long. For now, it was Jason's room. Not
Jason and Blade's room. My mom and I didn't talk much about it, either.
"Aunt Linda?" I said three weeks after. It was now the middle of
November. "I see you're on vacation."
"Yep. Pretty much. Two months off." she said smiling. "Started today. Why?"
"I'm going back to Haiti for about a week. Maybe less. Wanna go?"
"Whoa! Why are you taking me?" she asked surprised.
"Just because." I said as my chest throbbed a little. The numbness was
still there, and I could manage. "Want to go?"
"Sure. I'll have to ask your mother if it's okay, but sure." she said.
My mom thought that was a good idea. So, aunt Linda and I both flew off to
Haiti. I had no clue how it was going to go, because I never spent this
much time with her before. It was normally my mom. Well, with the exception
of one other person.
**
I felt like I was running a fever. I still had the strength to go to the
gym after my shift like I always did for the last couple weeks since I
started work. The middle of November brought with it a sort of cold. But
even for California, it was sunny. I liked the weather here better than in
Seattle. I felt a little better after my run. I went straight to my
apartment, and planned to get some sleep. I walked into the apartment
building, and I went up to the sixth floor. I walked over to my apartment,
and I almost fainted. My mom was sitting right outside my door.
"What the hell?" I gasped.
"Glad to see you, too." she said standing up and moving out of my way.
"Mom, where'd you come from?" I asked as I rammed the key into the door and
opened it.
"Well, my mother conceived me sometime around may back in--"
"Don't get smart with me." I said smiling. "Not that I'm not glad you're
here, but why _are you here?"
"I saw it as a good opportunity. Jason's gone."
The pain of my brother's loss filled me. I smiled as we both went
in. "Where's he at?"
"He's gone back to Haiti today. He took your aunt with him, so I figure I'd
come be with you. You know, Blade, you're really tearing us all apart." she
said sighing.
"Mom, you can't talk me into going back." I said sighing. "I'm a condemned
man." It was true. Since I was born, I've had a barrowed life. Time that
isn't mine.
"Blade, can't you just grow up?" she asked softly. "That's why your uncle
wasn't very happy. He gave it all up even before he started. Don't be like
him. Don't be stupid."
"Mom, you shouldn't have came. You're going to hate it here." I said
sighing.
"Why?" she asked as she put her suitcase against the corner of the living
room wall.
"I'm working a graveyard shift. I sleep during the day." I said noticing
how my eyes were drooping.
"So do I. I've been up all night. Flying here. So, I'll be sleepin' pretty
soon. Want anything to eat before you drift off?"
"No. I had yogurt." I said sighing. "How long are you here?"
"Only three days. So, if you're going to have a serious complication, now's
the time." she said as we both settled down on the air mattress that I'd
blown up and set out when I moved in. "You need more things, Blade."
"I won't be here for long, mother." I said as I closed my eyes.
Two days after my mom got here, we went to visit my doctor. The doctor that
had treated me when I first got here. All three of us were very nervous as
he looked me over.
"It's so strange, you're actually doing good. Your lungs have a lot of crap
in them, from the sounds of it, but you're working out, you're eating
right, you're doing fine."
"How long?" I asked sighing. "Fatigue is starting to really hit me."
"I realize this. I'm not sure. If I tell you six months, and you're still
here beyond then, I'm not sure. According to your X-Rays, you should've
been dead fifteen years ago. Or at least ten years ago."
"Any idea what's going on?" my mom asked a little too happy.
"Well, you're looking forward to living, Blade. You've got a family,
support, and if I'm not mistaking, you are in love. Believe it or not, a
lot of people die because they don't live for something else. Cystic
Fibrosis takes over their whole lives. Along with their families. They drag
everyone down, and they drain themselves. Whatever it is that you're after,
go get it. Because it can make the difference between life and death."
"See?" my mom said pointedly. "What did I tell you?"
"Mom, please."
I didn't know how to feel. As my mom and I made our way back to my place, I
thought about all he'd said. I craved desperately to go back to _my
Jason. I still had hope. Though I didn't want to admit it to myself, I
still had lots of hope. I knew that I'd find a way. Half of me hoped that
my mom had already told him. So that he'd come after me. Or maybe, just
maybe, it would be better if I just left him alone.
"Mom, you didn't tell him, did you?" I asked.
"No. He's stopped asking about you. He's fine. Well, no. He's not fine, but
he's managing. He doesn't ask for you anymore."
"Oh." I said as my heart flooded with disappointment. I needed him. Yet, if
I went back, and I passed away over there, I'd be in trouble. He'd be in
trouble. I couldn't do that to my brother. No matter how much I felt I
needed him.
**
When we returned home, it was the last day of November. That means it was
almost Christmas. I should be doing my shopping right now. Instead, aunt
Linda and I were walking into the house getting ready to go to bed. We'd
gotten home about two in the morning.
"I really enjoyed that, Jason." she said smiling. "Thank you for taking me
with you."
"Hey, it was no problem. It was fun. I didn't know all the stuff you told
me about yourself." I said smiling. "You're a good dancer."
Aunt Linda and I had been caught in a Haitian ritual. There'd been a lot of
dancing involved, and my aunt was ready for it. She was good. It had been
the beginning of learning a lot about my aunt.
"I hope this means you can talk to me a little better now." she said
smiling. "You know, Jason, the door's always open."
"I love you too." I said hugging her.
The shock showed on her face. She stood a while with her arms at her
sides. I still had mine around her shoulders. Then, she wrapped her arms
around my waist, and squeezed me tightly. I tried to put a lot of unsaid
things into the hug, and hoped she'd catch on. She seemed to, because she
gave me a knowing look. We stood there for a long time, before the door
opened. We pulled apart as my mom came walking in. I half expected Blade to
come running in with her. But it was just her, alone.
"You guys could've called. I would've gone to get you." she said walking
over to us and hugging us both.
I awoke the next day, and found myself feeling strange. The feelings of a
recent nightmare plagued me. I turned on my side and looked at the glow in
the dark clock that I had on my bedside cabinet. It was around one
fifteen. I got up, and walked out into the living room. My mom and aunt
Linda were both sitting on the couch. My mom had a mug in her hand, and my
aunt was flipping through the channels on the set.
"You missed breakfast, you're about to miss lunch. I was about to go see if
you'd died in your sleep." my mom said as I plopped down on to the rug in
front of the fire. I sighed.
"Whatcha make for lunch?" I asked hesitantly.
"Burger, with a side of crinkle cut fries." she said smiling. "Want it
now?"
"Naw. I think I've got a serious case of jetlag."
For the next couple weeks, it was all about preparations for
Christmas. Thanks Giving had been okay. Nothing too exciting. Now, it was
time to get ready for the big holiday. I think I'll pay Terry a visit
again.
"Mom, I'm going out." I said as I came into the living room. My mom had put
up the decorations already.
"It's almost eleven o'clock, son. Where the hell do you think you're
going?"
"I'm going to see Terry." I said sighing. "I'll go see if his lights are
on, and I'll talk to him for a while if they are. Don't worry. I'll be
back."
"Oh, Jason. Please, don't be stubborn. Stay calm." she said sighing. "Keep
your nose clean, Jay."
"Don't worry. He's going to be surprised." I said as I walked out of the
house. "You don't need to leave it open. I've got a key."
I got into the car, and I drove off. As I drove, I thought about the many
times I'd ridden with my father to places that he needed to go to. I'd been
with him on errands, and all kinds of things. Who knew that he'd end up
being such a jerk. I turned on to the lane that he lived in, and spotted
lights. Thankfully. I slowed down as I approached his drive. He was sitting
outside his own car, with a lit cigar in his hand. Since when did he pick
up smoking? I parked, and got out. I walked right up behind him and waited
for him to turn around. He was too into his smoke to look up and see me.
"Since when have you picked up smoking, Terry?" I asked making him drop his
cigar.
"Two years!" he said loudly. "Damn, Jason. Scare the living crap out of
me."
"Well, you told me that I could come back. Although, this may be the last
time. I think we both know what I want to know. So, just tell me."
"Where'd we leave off? You were a premature born, Blade was born with
Cystic Fibrosis--"
"Wait! What?" I asked as a wave of pure shock hit me right in the gut.
"What do you mean, what? Blade was born with Cystic Fibrosis. The doctor
that delivered him only gave him fifteen years to live. I assume that's why
you're here. He's dead, isn't he? Serves LaToya right. I told her to give
him up for adoption. I told her, didn't I? She trashed my idea, and she's
dealing with what she deserves. Blade had it coming to him."
"What the hell! How come no one tells me anything anymore? Am I not part of
the family? Is there anything else I should know about? Maybe that you're
gay? Maybe that you have a brothel?" I asked as my blood began to
boil. "Tell me everything. I'm dying to know more."
"Well, there's really not much. You've got your own shit to deal with. You
look ghosty. Almost like a wax work, Jason. Won't be long until you lose
your sight."
"You know, I came here thinking that everything would be the same when I
left. But you've changed my life with just one news flash. Hell, thanks a
lot, Terry." I said smiling. "Thanks a lot."
"Where are you going? You just got here!" my dad yelled as I got back into
my car. "Hey!"
"I'm going to go take a long, hard, look, at my life." I said as I slammed
the door shut. I revved the engine, and I drove off.
What the hell had my mom been thinking? What the hell had Blade been
thinking? Was he dead, or was he really gone like my mom had said? When I
got to the house, I walked straight into the kitchen. It was empty. I took
the glasses that I was wearing, and I twisted the frames in my hands. I
smashed the glass lenses and the white powder flecked the floor, the mirror
I was in front of, and my hands. I twisted the frames until I couldn't do
any more damage and I threw them away. I'd find a way to get myself a new
pair. I can do it without Blade. I walked clumsily up to my room, trying
not to make any noise by crashing into things. I didn't even bother to get
undressed. I just collapsed on to my bed, and closed my eyes. The tiredness
crept over me, and I was asleep before I could think about what the hell
I'd just learned.
When I awoke the next day, there was a strange feeling in my chest. A sort
of miserable heavy feeling. I had no idea how it had gotten there. My sleep
had been dreamless, and I felt fine, but for the feeling in my chest, and
stomach. What happened? That's when I remembered everything that Terry had
told me. My heart began to race. I felt so angry with my mom, and
Blade. How could he not tell me? We've never kept a secret before from each
other. We'd been as honest as we could be with each other. I knew him from
every angle. I knew his laugh, his smile, his walk. I knew the way he felt,
the way he tasted, smelled. Why was it that he'd kept this from me this
whole time? Where was he now? Why was he gone? I reached over to my bedside
table, trying to find glasses. Then, I remembered that I'd broken them. I
was about to retrieve my hand, when I felt something cool and smooth. I
picked it up, and realized it was a new pair of glasses. Who'd gotten these
for me? Mom? I put them on, and I got out of bed. I didn't even bother to
get dressed. I just went out there in my blue T-shirt, and black Speedos
that I usually wore.
"Jason! Put some pants on!" shouted my aunt as she caught a glimpse of me
before closing the door.
"Where's she going?" I asked my mom as I walked into the living room.
"She's off to a meeting. You know. Anyway, how late were you at Terry's?"
she asked.
"Not even ten minutes." I said sitting down across from her. "Why?"
"I didn't hear you come in." she said stretching out on her couch.
"But you must've. I found a new pair of glasses in my room."
"That's not from me." she said yawning. "Are you okay? You look like you
didn't sleep at all. That, and it's already half past one. I swear, you're
sleeping in later every day. What's the matter?"
"Mom, you are so rude, and ungrateful." I said as my blood boiled
again. "How much of a liar can you be?"
"Excuse me? What are you talking about?"
"You know damn well what I'm talking about. You think I'm stupid?"
"No. What the hell are you talking about, Jason?" she asked. "Tell me. Cuz
I sure as hell don't know."
"What do you take me for?" I asked as tears filled my eyes. "You think that
I'm not going to be able to handle it if you throw a curve ball at me? You
think that if you break bad news to me twenty years after it happened, that
I'll be able to handle it better? What?"
"Jason, what the fuck are you talking about?" she asked. "Sit down,
please!"
That's when I became aware of having gotten to my feet. "Mom, why the hell
would you keep such a secret from me?" I said as I sat back down.
"Can you please tell me what secret?" she asked putting her book down. "I'm
having a lot of trouble with our conversation. We're not on the same
page. Let me know what I did, and I'll let you vent for the rest of our
lives if you please."
"How could you and Blade not tell me that Blade was a marked man?" I asked
as my heart pumped faster. "Is he dead? Is that why he didn't return?"
"Oh, my, God." she gasped. "Jason, what do you know?"
"What don't I know?!" I yelled as my hands shook. "Tell me the truth,
mom. Is Blade dead?"
"No. Blade isn't dead. He doesn't look too good, though. He's not
dead. Yet." she said softly. "Who told you?"
"Terry!" I yelled. "I had to learn from Terry! Not from you, not from
Blade, from Terry!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. "Why, the, hell!"
"Jason, please! Sit down!" my mom pleaded. "I'll tell you everything if you
just sit down." she said as tears slid down her face.
"It better be a damn good story, mother. Because you and Blade have crossed
the line this time." I said as I sat back down. I was never aware of
getting to my feet. Huh.
"When Blade was born," my mom began trying to control her sobs. "He was a
very unhealthy looking boy. He never gained weight, he never ate well, he
was so thin, your father and I thought that--""
"Terry, and you." I said correcting her. "I _don't have a
father. Remember?"
"Terry, and I thought that if we gave him up for adoption, he'd have a
better life. But I couldn't do that. He was my son. He was my little
boy. He looked like a special boy. I prayed and prayed. The doctors only
gave me fifteen years." she said breaking into a spell of sobs for a couple
minutes. I waited patiently for them to subside.
"Blade began to talk, and walk, just like any other boy. He developed very
fast, even for him. He couldn't breathe right, so we gave him everything we
could. Inhalers, nebulizers, everything. He was always in and out of the
hospital. He knew what was wrong with him from the time he was able to
talk. He would ask doctors, and nurses what the disease was called. He'd be
willing to try anything! All he wanted, he always said to me, was to be a
normal little boy. He considered himself one, too. You know?" she said as
another spell of sobs broke her down. It took her a while to recover.
"When he found out that I was pregnant with you, Jason, he was ecstatic. He
welcomed a little baby brother or sister, he said. He'd take care of it
until the day he died. "Mommy, I'll help you whenever you need me to." he
always told me. "Me and my little baby brother or sister are gonna be best
friends." He wanted so much to be a normal boy. He reached out to
people. He was so extroverted, it was amazing. He learned fast, and he
loved to experience new things.
"Like all of us have come to learn, Terry's not so reliable. He wasn't with
me when your brother got out of the hospital two days before you were
born. Blade was so excited. I've never seen a boy so happy about having a
new family member. He wasn't like your normal little boys. He didn't seem
like he'd be jealous that I'd pay more attention to you than to him for a
while. He was glad of it. He said he wanted a best friend. He wanted to be
like me and auntie Linda, he said. Always laughing, always playing. So, two
days later, we packed up, and headed to the hospital. Linda was with us,
and Blade wanted to go to. THE doctors were hesitant about letting him in
the delivery room. But he had a special charm about him, and they broke
down. Him and Linda came with me, and he held my hand. He was a good coach,
I'll say." she said as a smile broke across her face. "When the delivery
was made, he cried. He said you were the most beautiful little boy he'd
ever seen. "Mommy, he looks like an angel. Maybe, maybe he is. Maybe I
won't have to die after all." And--" She began to cry again. Her body
racked with violent shakes.
"And he was right. You did. You looked like a porcelain figurine. He cut
your cord, Jason. He cut your cord, as Linda went and called Terry. After I
held you, he held you. You two stared at each other for the longest
time. You smiled in his arms. You didn't smile for anyone else. You smiled
in his. Honey, I'm willin' to bet any amount of money, that you gave Blade
all these extra years to his time. He felt like he had a purpose. He had
something to live for. You and him became inseparable.
"When I was with him, around thirteen years old, I asked him how he was
feeling. He were going for a walk in the park, and you were sleeping in the
house. Linda was taking good care of you. Of course, Blade was reluctant to
leave your side. I asked him how he thought he'd do. What about love, I
said. He told me that he didn't want to get into a relationship with
anyone. He said that it would be too painful if he died and left his lover
too soon. Yet, he told me that he felt like he needed to find friends,
because every person he reached out to, would bring him a lesson learned in
some way. We worked with so many different people. Saint Judes hospital is
still working with us. We worked with so many different people, and Blade
was in and out of so many hospitals, that he soon came to love life. He
always said, "Mamma, I can't complain. No matter where I turn, there's
always someone who has it worse than me." He's not selfish, your
brother. He's a very kind soul.
"When he left for college, he said he didn't do well over there. He said he
had to go to the hospital at least four times a year. You know, the lungs
get so full and stuff. He said the lining of his stomach was giving him
problems. He kept coughing up blood.
"When he came back, I told him what you told me. Remember? Three days
before? Jason, before you get mad, listen." she said as she spotted my
expression. "The look on Blade's face! He looked like, he could fly. He
looked like he'd do just about anything right then and there. I watched you
two. I hoped for the good of all of us, that it would work out. As a
psychologist, I knew that whatever you two wanted, you would have as far as
a partner. Blade came to me after Linda and I returned from that trip we
took on your birthday. He was sad, and confused.
"He told me that he'd broken the ultimate promise to himself. He'd fallen
in love. Since he was a little boy, he told me. Since you were born. He
told me that he felt so much different now. He had fallen in love with
someone. He said, someone that loved him just as much as he loved them. He
saw it in you, and I saw it in both of you. Hell, I think anyone who
matters pretty much knows how tied together you two are. He thought you
were the sweetest, most charming, charismatic person he'd ever met. He felt
so happy, he told me. You were his one and only. He said he'd do anything
for you. He always had to let you know that. Did you notice, Jason, that
he's not gone to the hospital once? With the exception of now. He was doing
great. Marvelous, even for him. You two would go out for runs, and you
don't know how motivated he'd be. He lived for you. He's still living for
you. I went back to see him when you and Linda went to Haiti. He won't talk
to me about you, but I can see he still has some hope. Some sort of hope
that something will bring him back to you."
"Why didn't he just tell me in the first place?" I sobbed as I clutched at
the hole in my chest. "Why? Mom, I'd still love him! I wouldn't think any
less of him!"
"I know, baby. He never told you, because he was afraid that you'd be
expecting his death if he did. It's always in the back of his mind. That he
could die in his sleep, or something. He didn't want to frighten you, when
you were already so easily frightened. He clung to you just as much as you
cling to me and him. He was and is still counting on you, just like you're
counting on him. I know what you did, Jay. But I know you have all your
phone pictures backed up on your computer."
Damn. This woman knows everything. What? Does she have eyes in the back of
her head?
"Yes." she said smiling. "I have eyes in the back of my head."
"Where is he, mom?" I asked drying my eyes. "Where's my Blade? What the
hell was he thinking?"
"He wants to try and make it less painful for himself. And you. He says
that it would crush him if he saw how you'd react to the news. He begged me
not to tell you. He begged and pleaded with me not to tell you. That's why,
I'm going to break Terry's _fucking neck."
"Mom, where is he?" I gasped. At that moment, I realized just how much I
cared about him. At that moment, I realized just how much I felt for
him. "Mom, please. I've got to get to him. Please. Where is he?"
"He's in California. I'll give you his address." she said sighing. "You can
catch a flight to LA, and meet him. Do it tomorrow. He works a night
shift. Won't be there tonight. Catch a late flight, and get to his
apartment was at least ten. I've tried, Jason. I've tried to convince him
that he should come back with me. Now it's up to you."
"Mom," I said softly. "This could either make or break our relationship. Am
I supposed to know?"
"Yes. If you love him, and he loves you, there's nothing better. At the
sound of your name, his face lights up. I've seen you two. You can't stay
away from each other for long. It's actually kind of beautiful." she said
softly. "It's real, Jason."
I didn't care about what the hell happened. I just had to find him. I just
had to find my brother and let him know that I knew. That he didn't have to
face it alone. I had to find him. If I didn't make it to his building I'd
be in trouble. I had to make it. After saying goodbye to my aunt and my
mom, I left. I was driven to the airport by my mom and aunt, and I was seen
off on the plane. It took me a while before I made it all the way to LA. It
took the whole night on one plane, and about two hours on another plane. I
took a cab to the apartment building, and I got the land lord to let me
in. He said that Blade hadn't been expecting anyone. But he was willing to
let me in, as long as I didn't do anything stupid. So, he let me in. I
asked him if he had the key to Blade's place, and he let me in there,
too. It was actually a very gloomy place. No furnishings, no nothing. Just
an air mattress covered with two blankets. There was a pillow, and the
pillow case was full of blood stains. I gasped. How bad was it? It was ten
twenty-five right about now. I knew it wouldn't be long. Sure enough,
within five minutes, the door knob rattled, and I heard that familiar
voice.
"But the man said that it was not that bad. I mean, things could be
worse. At least I'm not dead. Yet. Naw. I just got home. It's funny, we've
never once been robbed since I started. People think I'm scary." The door
opened. He walked in, and shut and locked it. "I'm going to get myself some
yogurt. Yeah. It's fine. Anyway--" he stopped. He looked at me, and I
looked at him. "Mommy?" he said into the phone. "I'ma have to call yuh
back. My apartment's been broken into." he was breathing really fast. "Mom,
no. I'll call you back. Bye."
He slipped his phone into his pocket, and looked over at me. My brother was
not the same as he had been when I left him. He looked ragged, and thin. He
looked wasted. His face was pale, and he looked so sick. He was slouching a
little, and I could see he was really dragging. We both just stared at each
other. He looked like he was about to pass out. Whether or not he wanted to
protect me, the fight that followed was one of the worst between Blade and
I. I never got the welcome that I expected.
"Okay. Let's calmly talk." he said smiling at me. "We can start by asking
each other questions. I have a question for you. What the _hell, do you
think you're doing here?!!" he yelled so loudly that his voice broke. "Who
the hell let you into my house?"
"You call this trash heap a house? Dude, we live better in Seattle!" I
yelled standing up and matching his height. "I know martial arts,
Blade. Don't try anything." I said softly. "You look stick thin. I can
break you in half with one move."
"How the hell did you find me?" he asked looking livid. "Tell me who the
hell told you? What the hell gives you the right to just come in and burst
into my place like this, Jason?"
"Terry." I said softly as I stood facing my brother. "Terry did. If you're
going to bullshit anyone, me and Terry are your men."
"Why the fuck are you here?" he asked as he trembled.
"I'm here to bring you back to Washington. Mom and aunt Linda really need
you over there. This isn't for me. Trust me. I'm over you."
It was probably the biggest lie I have ever told. I was probably going to
hell anyway, but it was the lie that put me into the for sure hell that I
knew now awaited me when I died. If God was considering me before this,
now, he would surely have to send me to hell. That lie was so big.
"I'm here for them. Not for me. And I'm not moving from this spot, until
you explain yourself to me, and until you come with me, to Seattle."
"Jason, get, the hell out of here." he said sighing. "You're just making
things worse for both of us."
"I know why you're here, Blade." I said looking straight into his face. "I
know why you're here. Terry told me, everything."
"Mother. Fuckin'. Bastard." Blade whispered as his face whitened. It was
probably the same shade as mine.
"Blade, why? Why'd you run out like that? You're so stupid, and selfish."
"Why? Why am I stupid, Jason? Saying goodbye to you was one of the most
painful things that I've ever had to do!" he yelled as tears started to
stream down his face.
"You fucking liar! Saying goodbye to me? You _fled, you son of a bitch! You
didn't say goodbye to me! You wrote a fucked up letter full of more
questions than answers, and you left! You left! You fled, you fucking
bastard! How could you? Why did you?" I asked feeling the pain explode
within me and my solid shield now breaking.
"Jason, I didn't want you to find me this way. I didn't want you to see me
at my worst time. That's why I left. I had a little bit of hope that I'd
find my way back. But it's too late. I'm a marked man, Jason. I'm dead. I
was dead even before I broke my mother's womb."
"Will you quit bullshittin' like that?" I asked as my arms shook. "You're
acting like a total baby! You need to come home, right, fucking, now!"
"Jason, don't you see? I had to flee! I'm not doing well!" he moaned. "Hell
I'm tired right now. Tired. I just wanna go home. Maybe he'd take better
care of me than I'm taking care of myself." Blade said as he fell on to his
mattress. "There. Okay? You won." BLADE exposed his belly. Almost as if to
say, you're the queen bitch to a leader of a pack of wolves. "Jason, you
should leave."
"I'm not leaving until you leave with me."
"Jason, please. You may be over me, but I'm _not over you." he
whispered. "You really are killing me right now."
"Good. You just said you wanted to go home. So, maybe it's time." I said as
I sat down beside him. "Blade, quit acting like a fucking tough guy, and
come home. We all need you."
"You don't realize what you're doing. If I go back home, things will be
like they used to. And it'll be painful for me, and you, when I pass away."
he said softly.
"Why does it have to be?" I asked as tears filled my eyes. "Why does it
have to be painful, Blade?" I asked through a sob. "Blade, we can go back!
I can help you with whatever you need! Please, love." I begged as my sobs
shook my frame. "We can try this again. Please! I love you. When Terry told
me all about you, I realized I cared more about you than I thought."
"So, then, what are you saying?" he asked shaking violently on the bed. "Is
it love?" he asked through a sob. "Is it pity? What are you feeling,
Jason?"
"I _love you! That's all! I'm not pitying you, Blade. I just realized how
much more I love you. I just realized that one way or another, we have to
be in each other's lives, Blade. However long you have left! If it's one
minute, one hour, a day, a week, a month, a year. We both have to be in
each other's lives. However long we have." I whispered as I broke
down. "Let's go back, Blade! Please! Come back with me!"
"What good would that do, Jason?" he sobbed as he covered his face with his
hands. "What good would that do? I'm a dead man! It's not going to be the
same anymore."
"You can't leave me alone, Blade. You have to come back with me. I've still
got so much to learn from you!" I pleaded as my heart ached inside
me. "Please, Blade!" I sobbed. "I've still got so much more to learn from
you! Please! I need you! We're supposed to be in each other's lives! It's
fate. I know it is! You _promised." I begged. "Please, Blade! We can start
just where we left off." I pleaded. "Come back with me, Blade. Please."
"I can't do that, Jason. I can't drag you down. I have to lay in the bed
that was made for me even before I was born. This is something I have to do
alone." Blade said before breaking down into a long cry. He was crying on
his pillow. He had been reduced to tears. The look in his eyes was easy to
read. "Stay with me!" it said. Even though he was silent now, and the only
thing that I could hear was his gentle moans and see that river and thick
tears streaming on to his pillow. His eyes said "Stay with me." His eyes
and his face. The expression clearly said "I need you. I need you to hold
my hand. Stay with me."
"Why do you have to do this alone, Blade?" I asked through my own
sobs. "Why? I can help you! Mom and aunt Linda can too. Please, please,
love. Come back to Seattle with me."
"I can't do that, Jason. And my name is Blade, to you." he said stabbing me
with his last words. "I can't do that. This is something I have to do for
myself. I can't have people covering me from all sides. Death will come for
me, and I've got to be here alone."
"Blade--" I tried to find something to say. Some way to plead with him to
come back. He and I were just sobbing. I was on my knees now. I couldn't
move. I just wrapped my arms around my torso, and sobbed hysterically as I
looked up on my brother. I couldn't leave him. I needed him, and he needed
someone. The look in his eyes was so painful.
"Please?" I begged one last time. "Come back with me!" I sobbed. "Blade?"
"I can't do it. You need to leave." he mumbled trying to get himself
together. "Now."
I got up. I took one last look at him, and tried to hold back the
tears. But it was useless. Sobbing, I turned around and walked off. My feet
had become heavy. I dragged myself to the door still sobbing, and I pulled
it open. I couldn't stand the pain. I took one last look at my big brother,
and I left. There was once a point in time, when he used to be my best
friend.
I don't remember what the hell happened after that. I just remember running
into two teens who looked like they were headed to Blade's. They both asked
me questions, and I kept a decent conversation, but I have no clue what I
said to them. I just remember getting back to the plane, and leaving with a
broken heart. When I got back home, my mom and aunt Linda saw that I had
had no luck. I felt defeated, and abandoned. That was the story of my
life. It was first Terry, then Blade. Mom and aunt Linda were grounded to
this house. They had to be. Because if they left me, I just don't know what
would happen.
My heart was broken, and I felt so alone. Even though, the two girls were
down stairs. I lost track of time, so I'm not sure what time it was. I just
know that I was trying to hold myself together. I remember getting into the
shower, and taking at least a whole hour and a half. My mom and aunt Linda
didn't say anything to me. They didn't lecture me about wasting the water,
or anything. They just let me be.
Why had I not committed suicide yet? I don't know. Because if I really let
myself feel it, and if I really and honestly admitted it to myself, I still
had a glimmer of hope that Blade would return to me. I still had a little
bit of hope to cling to. Blade was alive. As long as he was alive, and my
mom or aunt Linda would visit him, I had a link to him. He was alive, which
meant that he could return if he so chose. That is why, although I
desperately wanted to, I didn't pick up that gun that my dad had left us,
and shoot my brains out. That is why, even through the toughest part of the
pain, I didn't jump off the fucking bridge that divided our city, and kill
myself. I got out of my room, and I walked into the kitchen. My aunt Linda
was sitting on the chair drinking a glass of hot chocolate. I needed my
mom. Where the hell was she?
"Went to get more hot chocolate, and tea." my aunt said as if reading my
mind.
I walked over to her. I was dazed. My head spun, and the room seemed to be
dissolving every once in a while as I slowly made my way to my aunt. She
came over to me, and led me back to the couch. We both half sat, half
collapsed on to it, and she wrapped her arms around my torso, holding me
together. Keeping my pain inside. Keeping my heart from breaking into tiny
powder, just like the glass lenses in my frames that I once had from
Blade. I couldn't hold back. My head fell against her shoulder, and I began
to cry. My eyes streamed, and I lay there, in her arms sobbing as the
sadness ripped through me.
"You don't need to worry, babe." she said softly. "Blade will come back."
"He was pretty clear when I talked with him." I whispered. "Let me
guess. You knew that this was happening, right?" I sobbed. "You know it
all, don't you? You know how close we are, Blade and I?"
"Yes." she said as she held me. "Yes, I do. I have faith in your brother,
Jason. He'll come back. He's a thick headed jack ass." she said as I
continued to sob.
I don't remember how long it was that I lay in her arms. All I know is that
I fell asleep. It was a sweet wanted sleep. Something to take the pain away
that wasn't drugs. The numbness that had been with me before I went to see
him seemed unable to be put back together. I couldn't pull it over me
anymore. I couldn't. No matter how hard I tried to look for that shield to
fit it over me, like a bullet proof vest, I couldn't find the way to fit it
back on. Love _fucking _hurts! I hated waking, because I knew the feelings
would only be worse. And so it was. I awoke in my aunt's arms, and I began
to sob once more.
"You want some hot chocolate?" my aunt asked in a soft voice. "Would that
make you feel better?"
"Yes." I moaned as the tears fell from my face.
"Want marshmallows?" she asked.
"Yes." I said as I stood up.
"Want a piece of fudge?"
"Fudge is fine." I said as I drunkenly stumbled to the kitchen.
"Cookie?"
"Linda, dear, you're going to fatten him up? What? You're gonna eat him?"
Suddenly, my chest began to contract. I heard my laughter, but it felt
new. I'd forgotten how to laugh. It was no big deal, but we all laughed and
laughed for a very long time. I felt a little better now.
**
I watched with utter anguish as my brother retreated. He turned and looked
at me one last time, and I saw him through my tears. His own glasses were
fogged up as the tears streamed down his face, and on to his marble
neck. He pulled open the door, and he stepped out. He slammed it shot. The
slam seemed to echo for the rest of the day. I just lay there,
crying. Hoping that sleep would come and take me soon. The pain was
unbearable.
I began to feel weak as the days went on. I went to work like I was
supposed to, and I went places with Lester, and Efraim. We went to watch
the game at the stadium. Efraim and Lester pointed out the teenaged
alcoholic.
"I think he's got a buzz goin' right now." Lester said sighing.
"Look at dude in front." I said laughing. "Two fuckin' hot dogs in each
hand."
"That's Ramon Eats A Lot." said Lester smiling. "Look who we have here?"
A familiar face came bobbing amongst the crowd. A man took a seat right
beside me. It was Thunder Cloud. He looked angry.
"You had your opportunity, Wolfe." he said sighing.
"Since when do I have a name?" I asked confused.
"The wolf says he sticks alone. Once his mind is made up, to separate from
his pack, he does not go back." Thunder Cloud said sighing. "Go back,
Wolfe. You will be in trouble with in two sets of twenty-four hours. Just
go back now."
The game was won by the Indians. The school was a normal high school, full
of people. White kids, Black kids, Indians, Mexicans. Even a few Haitians
here and there. It was kind of a joke that the mascot for the school was
the Indians, and the best player on the team was an Indian. We ended up
winning. It was a close game, too.
For the next two days, I felt good while working out, but I felt terrible
when I got back home. I ate a little bit, and slowly, I could tell I was
losing weight. My pants began to hang off me, and I felt so bad all the
time. It was difficult to cough all the crap out of my lungs. I found
myself going into coughing fits that lasted up to forty-five minutes. Soon
after that, I'd be sore all over from the contraction of my muscles as I
tried to rid myself of the phlegm. I have no idea when it happened, or
how. But on the twelfth of December, I began to feel so bad. I'd been on a
diet of liquid foods, since I could no longer keep solids down. I had
trouble digesting them. When I got home after working out, I felt so sick,
that I just lay down and went to sleep. I feared I'd not be able to wake up
to go to work. I knew I was running a fever, but maybe if I slept it off,
I'd be able to come out of it when I awoke. Hopefully.
When I awoke, I was in a different setting. I was lying on something warm,
and soft. I felt so tired, and weak. I was sore all over the place. I
opened my eyes and saw the lights first. I looked around and saw Dr. Owen
standing right beside me.
"Well, you did it. You ended up in the ER. How do you feel?" he asked.
"Pretty bad. What happened?"
"You're dehydrated. That, and your lungs and heart are failing. Blade, if I
wasn't looking at you, I wouldn't believe what anyone would say. I thought
you were doing really good. Better than this. What happened?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe, I just need more rest."
"I did an X-ray of your stomach, and your GI tract is very much in
danger. The lining is being damaged, and you're on your way to
starvation. Blade, would you like me to let your mother know?"
"No!" I yelled. "I mean, no." I said softly. "It's fine. Don't worry. Once
I get out of here, I'm sure I'll be fine."
"Oh, son. If you weren't so thick." the man said sighing.
I was in the hospital for ten days. It was Christmas eve tomorrow. I felt a
little better as the doctor let me out.
"How did I get here, anyway?" I asked as we both cleaned up the room.
"Some kid brought you in. Says his name's Charlie."
My heart skipped a couple beats. Thunder Cloud had brought me in? How? How
did he know to come look for me? As I walked out of the hospital after
saying goodbye to the doctor, I saw a figure leaning against the car that
I'd rented. He had a set of familiar keys in his hands. He was tossing them
from hand to hand, his eyes were closed. I crept up to him, and he smiled
without opening his eyes. As he spoke, the keys kept zooming from hand to
hand.
"You're better." he said flatly. "Or, as better as you can be." he said
smiling.
"I missed my job. Did I get fired?" I asked.
"No. I filled in. Ms. Parker is lax. She's calm, and she's waiting for you
to return. Or waiting for you to go home, so I can get your job." he said
grinning. "Anyway, let's ride to the reservation. You can stay there for a
while."
"How did you know?" I asked as I got into the passenger seat.
"It was only a matter of time." he said closing his door as he turned on
the engine. "You realize you're really killing yourself? You need to go
back, Wolfe." he said sighing. "You drag because you need your family
around. You need someone. It's just, you're not letting yourself feel."
I found myself feeling the need to express what I felt. Even to this
unknown boy driving me to his home. "I can't go back. I need to stay
here. I'll be in more pain when I go back."
"How do you know that it'll work like that, Blade? You under estimate
things. You really do. What if things work out for the better? Have you
ever once thought about the fact that the reason you're alive is because
you have Jason?"
"How do you know his name?" I gasped.
"I don't know. It's my gift." he said looking off into the distance. "I'm
not sure."
We went to the reservation, and made it to his place first. It was a little
shack that looked like the wind could sweep it away with one gust. A really
thin lady came up to us and greeted us.
"Hello, Thunder Cloud. Hello, Wolfe." she said hugging her son. She looked
like the spitting image of my own mother. Surprisingly, she came and hugged
me, too. I found myself having to hug her back. We both smiled at each
other. She patted my belly, since she was shorter than me, and backed
away. "You look a little better, son." she said sighing. "Would you like
some fried bread?"
"It's with jam." Thunder Cloud said smiling.
"I'm not sure. I don't know how well I can keep it down." I said smiling.
"Mom sells fried bread." Thunder Cloud said smiling.
"Margie!" someone yelled.
"In the back, Julius."
The tall thin basketball player came walking in. He looked around and
spotted me. He smiled. "Where's Lester, and Black?" he asked smiling at
Thunder Cloud.
"Who knows. I just went to get this fag from the hospital." Charlie said
sighing.
"But nice, Charlie." his mother said slapping him with a spatula.
"He's right." I said smiling. "You play well, kid." I said to Julius. "Why
the buzz?"
"Dunno." he said grabbing a fried bread and slathering jam on it. "Just
there. All us kids do it. Some make it, some don't."
"You better stay in school." I said seriously.
"Well, we'll see." he said sighing.
The rest of the family joined in a while later. By family, I mean the whole
tribe, practically. I hung out with Lester, Efraim, and Thunder
Cloud. Julius stuck with us a little bit, before leaving and wondering off
with his pals. They had a bottle of Vodka they'd gotten from the Lodge. A
little store on the corner that was owned by Julius's uncle.
"This is pretty good." I said to Efraim and his friends as I took my last
bite of fried bread. "Your mom sells this?"
"Yep. Makes good money off it, too. Not only sells at the reservation, but
everywhere she can. It's really good."
I don't know what made me do it. Maybe, it was the sight of all these
people gathered at Charlie's house, that gave me the impulse. The sight of
all that love really crushed me. Here I was without my own pack, as Thunder
Cloud had said. He was the only one who saw me leaving. Almost in a drunken
state.
"Good luck, Blade Wolfe. See you soon. Keep in touch."
"I should say goodbye." I said looking at the rest of the tribe. I'd talked
with all these people at one point. Each and every face.
"They know your story. I tell it often. I know you will come back." he said
smiling. "You don't have to say goodbye, but for one person."
Just then, a little lady came running up to me. It was Thunder Cloud's
mother. "You take care of yourself, son." she said smiling. She hugged me,
and pulled me down to her level. She kissed my cheek and smiled. "You're a
very handsome guy. I used to have crushes on boys like you."
"Mom, you say that about all of us." Charlie said smiling.
"Well, it's true." she said still holding tight to me. "You be careful, all
right?"
"Thank you." I said as tears slid down my face. "Thanks for the
hospitality, ma'am."
"Beloved. Or Margie." she said smiling.
"Thank you, Margie." I said as she wiped tears from my face.
"My door's always open. Come back soon. Keep in touch."
"God speed." said Thunder Cloud as he hugged me. "Take care of yourself,
kay?"
"You too. Julius?" I asked looking into Charlie's eyes. They were pale, and
that color was the rarest color of eyes ever.
"He'll be fine. I see the path he'll take. He'll be fine. I'll see you when
you get back."
"But the system--" I started.
"All empty threats, Wolfe. They can't kill me. I'm just a boy. I'll be
fine. Go. There's a Continental flight waiting for you. Try to avoid Delta
Airlines." he said shivering. "That seven-forty-seven will crash."
Chills ran down my back as I let go of the boy. I said one last goodbye to
him and his mother, and I left. I went straight to my place, packed up, and
left the building. As I did, I wondered if Charlie had been right.
"Want your last pay check?" Ms. Parker asked as I ran into her on my way to
the car.
"Give it to Charlie." I said determinedly. "I've gotta go catch a flight."
"Be safe, Blade. Thank you."
"Welcome. Bye."
There were two choices. Delta Airlines, and Continental. I took the second
one. Turns out it was a little better. As halfway through the flight, there
was rumors going up and down the plane that a plane had crashed. Was
Charlie human?
When I made it to Washington, I wondered what time or day it was. I
discovered it was Christmas Eve. It was around ten in the morning when I
made it to Vancouver. I took a cab and made it to my place. There was no
car in the drive. I banged my fist on the door hoping that someone would
come to the door. The door knob rattled, and the door opened. Aunt Linda
stood there in a very splattered apron. I walked in quietly, and I walked
up to my room. It was empty but for one bed, and a dresser full of crumpled
up papers. I dropped my luggage on the floor, and went back down
stairs. Aunt Linda hugged me curtly, and pushed me away.
"Where's the rest of the crew?" I asked.
"Jason is away at the Gym, and your mother's gone to break Terry's
neck. Why are you here?"
"What are you talking about?" I asked confused.
"You broke your mother's heart, Blade. You have no idea what you did to
Jason. If you're here, you either stay here, or you leave now, before they
see you. Because if you're just here on a visit, and you leave again, I'm
going to kill you. I don't know why I don't just blow your brains out right
now."
"Aunt Linda--"
"No. You listen. I don't want any explanations, or excuses. I'm tired of
all this bullshit. I have to be the one to take care of your mother, and
Jason. It really takes a toll on you, when you wake up every night to find
either one of them screaming in their sleep, or the other one crying. Okay?
So, you either leave now, and I don't tell LaToya, or you swear to me that
you'll stick around, and quit being a dick. Because Blade, I will deal with
getting a life sentence for your death, I swear it. If you hurt these two
again, I will kill you. You'd only die a little sooner. And trust me, I
will not spare you. I will make you feel as much pain as possible, before I
blow you apart."
"I'll stay, Aunt Linda. I promise." I said softly hanging my head.
"You better. Because so help me God, I'll kill you. I will rip your head
off, and eat your fucking brains. I will grind you in a wood chipper."
**
I pulled up to the drive, and parked the VW in front of the house. Even
before I opened the driver's door, I heard it. There was screaming coming
from the house. It was my mom's voice. I couldn't hear what the hell she
was saying, but I knew she was yelling. I heard a crash and another
scream. I slammed my door shut, and I walked up to the door. I pushed it
open, and walked in. My mom and my aunt were standing as far away from each
other as possible, both with sweat shining on their faces.
"Who killed who?" I asked walking in and shutting the door. "What did Terry
say?"
"Nothing. He was being a bastard, as always. Just said he thought you knew
it all."
"What a jack ass." I said collapsing on the couch. "Got any more ruffles?"
"Wait till you get a load of what's to come." Aunt Linda said looking out
the window.
"Oh, boy. More bullshit brewing?" I asked grinning. "There's nothing like
Christmas with you guys."
The door opened, and someone came walking in. I didn't move from the couch
that I lay on. I just lay there with my eyes closed. I heard a bunch of
bags being set down.
"Did you remember the yams?" my mom asked.
"Yes, ma'am." said the voice piercing me in half. What the hell? Just I
dreaming?
"You're still grounded." she said bitterly.
"Yes, ma'am." Blade said sitting down across from me. I stared. I just
stared.
"Why did you let slime in?" I asked a little stunned. "It's Christmas
Eve. You could've waited for after National Hang Over Day." I said staring
at Blade. "Yeesh."
I stood. "Mom?" I asked smiling. "May I?"
"Ask Linda. I give you full permission."
"May I?" I asked looking over at my aunt.
"Please, darlin'. Do the honors."
I walked over to my brother and motioned for him to stand. What an idiot. I
walked right up to him, and literally knocked him out. He was out cold as
soon as he hit the ground. Mom, aunt Linda and I just smiled.
"Wait 'til he wakes. Let's go shopping. Tomorrow's Christmas." Aunt Linda
said smiling as I stood over Blade.
"He looks so wasted. He weighs what? One fifteen?" my mom asked. "Did you
do all your shit, Jay?"
"Yeah. I did. I got everything."
"Kay. Linda and I'll be back. We've got a lot to get. We'll probably be
back by six. The gun's in the drawer if you need it."
They both left. I turned on the TV, and I grabbed a piece of fudge and sat
down on the couch. Blade was lying on the rug stone still. The only thing
about him moving was his back, as it rose and fell, as he took every
breath. Fifteen minutes after the two women left, he stirred.
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"I didn't want you to know what I was planning with my aunt and my mom. It
would be too painful for the both of us. I'm a jack ass, and I'm selfish,
and I have to think about myself before I think about what I'm doing to the
people around me." I mocked bitterly.
"Look--" he said. He stopped. I saw the defeat in his face.
"Well, you came back. At least you had the courage to do that. Now,
_leave." I said standing up.
"You promised, Jason." he gasp$ as tears filled his eyes.
"You did, too, Blade." I said smiling. "You did, too."
With a rush of anguish, happiness, and grief, I rushed over to him, and he
jumped up. We both wrapped our arms around each other, and just stood
there, crying. We both collapsed on to the couch, and I pulled him into my
grip, my arms trapping him in a head lock. I tightened my grip until he
moaned.
"Your going to kill me, Jason!" he yelled. "Stop! You're hurting me!"
"That's the plan, Stan." I said keeping my grip.
"I'm sorry! I was a dick! I'm an idiot. Please! I'm sorry. I'll stay!
Please!" he begged.
"Who's the better person?" I asked pressing record on my phone.
"Jason, you're a better brother than me!" he said struggling in my grip.
I let go of him, and set that recording as my ring tone. I smiled as I
slipped it into my pocket. "Out of all, the stupid things you could ever
do," I said becoming serious. "This is by far, the worst. It takes the
cake."
"I know. I'm sorry." he said sadly. "Please. This isn't so easy. I was
forced to come back here."
"Forced by who, Blade?" I asked. He still half sat on the couch and half on
my lap.
"I'm not really sure. I met some Apache natives." And he was
off. Explaining what had happened in LA.
When he was done, he was crying. I wrapped my arms around his waist, and he
flung his around my shoulders. I held my brother tight. Feeling the love
run through my veins.
"Jason! I'm sorry!" he moaned as tears soaked my shirt. "I should've
listened. I really should've come back with you. I'm just afraid of what's
going to happen to us."
"I told you." I said calmly as I held him tight. "Whatever time we have
left. I'm here. I love you. I'll always love you. Now that I know exactly
where things are at, I'll love you all the more." I said as my heart beat
fast. "You're my brother, Blade. We're supposed to be tied together like
this. It's fate. I just know it. However long we have left."
"You promise?" he asked through tears. "However long we have left?"
"Yes, baby. However long we have."
"You won't leave me alone?" he asked in a whisper as he shook in my grip.
"I promise." I said kissing him deeply. "I promise, Blade."
"I need you, Jason." he pleaded as he held tight to me. "I need you! I'm
counting on you more than I knew. More than I can say in words."
"I'll be here." I said wiping his tears. "I'll stand with you, Blade. I
swear. I really do. But I know you're not leaving yet. You still have a lot
to teach me."
Blade's arms were still tightly wrapped around my waist. I held him close,
and kissed him. It was like magic when our lips touched. I felt him go limp
in my arms as both of us became lost in a kiss.
"However long we have?" he asked again.
"However long we have." I said gently, holding him tight. "I promise."
I didn't know how it had happened, or when. But before I knew what was
happening, I was on the rug in front of my brother. He was lying in front
of me, and I was covering him in kisses. I kissed his chest, his belly, and
finally, I took him in my mouth. He was quiet, as I sucked him off. As we
lay there, I began to wonder how long he really had. I began to wonder how
much I could handle if he passed away. My mom knew so much. She knew how
much Blade and I depended on each other. I just knew this was supposed to
be. Our lives were supposed to be tied together. I knew they were.
"Jason! You're so good." he moaned as I deep throated him. "You're so
good!"
It took him a little bit before he exploded. His load filled my mouth, and
I willingly took it. It had been way too long. How long had it been since
I'd tasted this sweet nectar. So delightfully sweet.
"I love you, so much." I said softly as I pulled off of him and stroked his
belly. I leaned down and kissed him. "I love you." I said softly. "Don't
forget that."
I pulled him up, and flipped him over. He was now lying on top of me. His
cock had hardened again. Lubricated by my spit, he sank quickly into me,
and I moaned as he hit that spot. He and I watched as my cock hardened
before our eyes. He smiled.
"You want me?" he asked passionately.
"Yes, Baby." I said softly. "I want you. Bad."
"You like that torpedo of mine up your tight ass, baby?" he asked.
"God yes." I moaned as my muscles began to contract. "Fuck me."
He was holding me tight as he fucked in and out of me. He was gentle, but I
felt the urgency in him. He needed this, and I tried as hard as I could to
reciprocate every bit of pleasure he had given me. I thrust up as he pushed
downward.
"You're so beautiful." he moaned. "So white. Jason, you're so white. Oh!
Take this fuckin' torpedo. Take it, lover." he moaned as he kissed
me. "Your lips! They're so red. Ugh. This is where I belong, baby. I'm
sorry."
"Blade, don't say a word." I moaned. "Just be."
I lifted my head and kissed him as he kept pace. It was so amazing having
him back. I didn't care. As long as God was willing, I'd stay with him. He
was mine. He was my Blade.
"You like this ten inch torpedo, baby?" he asked as he swelled inside
me. "You like this hard torpedo in your sweet, tight ass?" he asked as he
kissed me.
"Fuck yeah." I moaned between a kiss. "Mmmmmm." I nodded my head as he
kissed me.
"Want me to fuck you hard?" he asked as he sped up. "Yeah?"
"Oh yeah!" I moaned as he started going faster and harder. "That's it,
Blade! Oh man! Fuck me hard, Blade!" I moaned trying to reach for my own
hard prick.
"Catch up with me." he said softly. He reached between us and began to
stroke my cock. "Catch up with me, Jason."
"If you stroke it like that, I'll catch up with you in no time." I
moaned. "Fuck!"
"Dude. Your ass is so hot it's gonna make me fucking blow." he moaned as he
stroked me at the beat of his thrusting. I saw the pure bliss in his
eyes. A look I hadn't seen in way too long.
"Oh Blade. You're killing me." I moaned as I lay there almost about to
explode.
"You can't, Jason. Hold it." he moaned. I felt the heat spreading through
me, and I knew that he'd already shot. "Oh god, this is so hot. I feel so
good. Oh! Fuck!" He began to fill me, blowing his load straight into my
waiting ass. I almost lost it, but I had to will myself to keep cool. He
quickly pulled out of me, and went straight for my cock. That's when I lost
control.
"That's it, baby!" I yelled as he sucked me. "Suck it! Oh, baby! Ugh!"
It felt like I was unleashing about seventeen loads into his mouth. It had
been way too long. He moaned as he took all of it. As he kept on going, he
reached up and began to stroke my belly. I knew what he would say when he
pulled off me. Sure enough, I was right.
"Jason. You're so white. You're so beautiful. I could never leave. If my
life depended on it, I'd already be dead. Oh, Jason."
"Blade. It's been too long." I said as I sat up.
"Hurry. Before my spit dries. Fuck me." he begged. "I want you. So bad,
Jason. Cumeeer." he whispered.
He wrapped his arms around my neck, and pulled me down to him. I was lying
on top of him now, and I felt my cock find its way to his ass. I gently
pushed, and felt him relax. I felt my cock swell as have entered. He was
mine. Blade was mine again.
"Fuck yeah." he groaned as he thrust up towards me. "Fill me. Oh, Jason,
you realize, we're as close as we can be?"
"Mmmmmm." I replied. I was unable to speak. I was too far off in my own
little world. I wasn't just on cloud nine. I was way above it. Blade seemed
to be as well. I watched as his face became very red. He was moaning under
me as I fucked him.
"You like it, baby?" I asked.
His speech was really slurred as he answered. To the point where I couldn't
understand him. Tears started to fill his eyes as I kept going. I could
tell he was very overwhelmed.
"You want me to stop?" I asked as I slid back inside him and stayed stone
still. "Blade? You okay?" I asked as he lay under me crying. "Did I hurt
you? Hello? Baby?"
I had so much trouble understanding his slur as he spoke. According to him,
he missed me. He felt too overcome with emotion to say anything. It was
almost impossible to understand his slur. He sounded like a drunk man.
"Want me to give you some room?" I asked starting to pull out.
"No!" The scream Blade let out sounded like he was being torn in two. He
pulled me close, and kissed me as tears slid down his face, and on to the
rug. "No! Jason! Stay!" he begged. "Stay." Even those words were slurred,
but I could understand him a little more. "Oh! This feel so good." he
moaned as he lay there and his cock twitched between us. "Jase?" he
gasped. "Jase! Oh, baby! Go! Fuck me!" he gasped.
So, I did. This time, I concentrated on giving him as much pleasure as I
could. It was fun to watch the expressions play on his face. He looked over
joyed. He looked happy. He kept saying things, but I wasn't too sure what
he said, because he was slurring so badly. He sounded drunk. Creepy, but
very amusing to watch. I loved the way he smiled at me as I fucked him. I
loved to feel him tense up as he felt the ripples of his pre-orgasmic
stage. He groaned and thrust back up to meet every stroke I gave.
"You like it?" I asked before kissing him.
"Fuck yeah." he moaned. "Jason, 'S good. Real good! Stop!" he moaned. "Pull
out, Jason."
So, I did as he asked. He was gasping for breath, and I saw his cock
twitching in front of me. "Jason!" he pleaded. "Please!" He was gasping for
breath, almost sounding to the point of hyperventilation. His voice was
still slurred as he begged me to suck him off. I took a while to get what
he was saying. Finally, I did. He lasted about thirty seconds before he
exploded in my mouth. "Oh, Jason! Fuck!" he moaned as he shook under me. It
felt like he was convulsing as he exploded in my mouth. "Fuck."
"That good?" I asked pulling off.
He didn't answer. A smile played across his face as he lay back, with his
eyes closed. His lips began to move, but he didn't say a thing. He just lay
there, quiet. "Fuck me." he said again.
"Blade, are you okay?" I asked worried about his behavior. "Are you sure?"
"Don' keep me waidin, baby." he pleaded in that same slurred tone. "Jus'
fuck me."
So, I started up again. He was quiet beneath me as I lay on top of him. My
cock sank into his ass easily, and he moaned. He squeezed his ass around my
cock and I began to gasp for breath. I moaned as I exploded before I could
do anything. Blade's smile was so beautiful it just added to my climax. I
moaned with passion as I leaned down and kissed him. He moaned beneath me
and kissed me back. He kissed me a little too hard, and bit my upper lip. I
winced, but was too engulfed by my orgasm to notice any pain. I just moaned
as I shot my load. When I finally managed to let out the last drops of
sperm, I collapsed on top of him. His arms wrapped around my waist, and he
moaned as he held me.
"Jason." he said in the same slur. "Jason."
"You okay, Blade?" I asked as my euphoria subsided a little.
It took me three tries to figure out what he was saying. It was really
difficult to understand him. We both got dressed, and I helped him to the
couch. I got up and was about to make my way to the kitchen.
"Jason!" he said standing up. "Don' leave, man. Don' leave."
"Water." I said simply. "Don't you want some?"
He looked drunk. I walked over to him, and slipped one of his arms around
my shoulders. He leaned against me as we made our way to the kitchen. His
breathing was short and fast. His face was very flushed. I helped him to a
chair, and I turned to the sink. I filled him a glass of water, and gave it
to him. He took it and drained it in two gulps. I drank another one, and I
turned to him. He stood up and I watched as he swayed. I went to stand
beside him, and I took his arm again. I wrapped it around my neck, and we
walked back to the couch. He was still gasping in my ear. I sat him down,
and I turned to look at myself in the mirror. My upper lip was swollen. I
turned to Blade, and saw tears streaming down his face.
"What's wrong, stud?" I asked as I sat beside him.
"Look what I did?" he said pointing to my mouth. "Jason, I'm so sorry!" he
said shrinking away from me.
"Oh Blade, it was fine. Don't worry. It's fine." I said pulling him to
me. "I don't care."
"Jason?" he said looking straight into my eyes. "I love you."
"That's why we're here." I said wrapping my arms around his shoulders.
His smile was so lit, it made me happy as well. He was quiet as I held him
tight. We were both just staring into each other's eyes.
"No matter how long?" he asked desperate for reassurance.
"Oh, baby. No matter how long." I said as I kissed him. His lips tasted so
sweet. The tip of his tongue just slightly brushed against my lips, and I
let him in. I felt his urgency as his arms squeezed my waist, and his
breathing became fast. I pulled away gently.
"You enjoy it?" I asked softly.
"Jason?" he asked sounding close to tears. "Hold me tight. Kiss me again."
"I think I can do that." I said softly as I leaned down and kissed him
again.
"Hold me tight, Jason." he whispered as his eyes closed and his head lay
against my shoulder. He became limp in my arms, and I heard his breathing
become slow. Blade had fallen asleep in my arms. He looked like he needed
that.
"Jason! You're a better brother than me!" The cell phone in my pocket was
vibrating. I laughed aloud as the phone repeated Blade's statement. He
moved off of me as he awoke.
"Hello?" I asked putting the phone to my ear.
"Jason, you there? We're coming home. Just thought we'd warn you. Blade
still alive?" my mom asked.
"I haven't decided if I should kill him or not. I think I'll wait until you
guys get home." I said relaxed. "Make sure we all do the right
thing. Maybe, they'll let us out on parole."
"Well, we're coming home. We just got into the car, and we've started
driving. We'll be there in fifteen."
"pPreciate your warning. See you guys soon. Love yuh."
"Love you, too. Tell Blade I said hi."
I looked down and saw him smile at me. "He heard. He's sort of a little
over joyed. He's acting a little drunk. See you guys when you get home."
I put the phone back on the coffee table and pulled Blade to me again. He
was trembling in my arms. I looked at him, and he smiled.
"Jason?" he said looking at me with very pleading eyes. "Kiss me again."
I cupped his face in my hands and pressed my lips to his. He let out a loud
moan, and his breathing got faster. We both just sat there, kissing for a
long time. I pulled away and he smiled.
"Are you okay, Blade?" I asked stroking his jaw.
"Fine." he said smiling. "I missed you. I missed you. I'm really..." he
began to cry. "Really, glad, I'm back."
"Oh, God. Don't cry, Blade." I moaned as I wrapped my arms around his frail
shoulders. "It's okay."
"No matter what?" he asked through a sob. "As long as God gives us?"
"As long as God gives us, baby." I said squeezing him. "I _promise."
"I'm. Glad. I'm. Back." he sobbed as he held tight.
"I know. Me too." I said holding tight to him and kissing him.
**
I felt so amazing. I felt great. My life was back together again. I was
with my little brother. His arms were wrapped around my shoulders, as mine
fitted around his waist. My heart beat fast as I stared at his white
figure. I felt safe again. My eyes flooded with tears as I began to cry. I
laid my head against his shoulder, and he stroked my hair.
"You're fine, Blade." he said softly. "You're fine."
"I'm just so glad I'm back." I choked out. "I don't know if I would've made
it away from you much longer."
The door knob rattled, and the door opened. My aunt and my mom came walking
in. They both smiled at us. Everything was right with the world. It was
Christmas Eve, and I was back where I belonged. Jason's arms tightened
around me.
"You guys wanna help with the food?" my mom asked smiling.
"It wouldn't be Christmas if we didn't help make the fudge." I said as we
both got up. "Hey!" I gasped as I looked at Jason for the first time. "I
don't remember getting you those frames." I said. smiling. "They look plain
on you. What happened to mine?"
We both walked into the kitchen, and I saw specks of white flecked on the
floor. I looked in the trash, and saw the twisted remains of his frames. I
felt the pain hit me as I stared. "Sorry." I mumbled.
"You're okay." Jason said from across the room.
"I _guess." aunt Linda mumbled bitterly.
"Linda and I ain't so sure, Blade." my mom said sighing. "You better stay
with us this time."
"I think I know why I went to the hospital." I said sighing. "So, I'll stay
here."
"What happened to your lip, Jason?" my mom asked walking over to him.
"Blade. We were makin' out, and he bit me." Jason said smiling.
"Dude! Wrong!" my aunt said sighing. "I guess now, Toya and I have to get
ready for the loud sex."
"What the hell are you talking about?" asked Jason defensively as his face
became really red.
"You two are loud, boy." my aunt said not taking her eyes off me.
"Come on!" I yelled as the sweat dropped down my neck. "It's not like you
and mom don't get it on either. I've heard and seen it. And let me tell
you, I got scarred for life. It's not like Jason and I can't hear you two."
"Hey! I'm not in this!" Jason said sinking into a chair as his face
reddened even more.
"You two are loud, though. You gotta admit." my mom said laughing. "Look at
Jason."
"Don't talk to me!" Jason said trying to keep a straight face as a grin
spread across it. "Please. I'm not talking to anyone."
"Hey, we're not tellin' yuh off. I think it's really adorable. In a gay
sort of way." my aunt said smiling.
"I think you two are sort of adorable." I said convincingly. "In a lezbo
sort of way." I added under my breath.
"Oh, come on, you two." my mom said laughing a little. "Blade, get the
Crisco."
"Dude, do you know, how wrong that sounds in the context of this
conversation?"
"Aw, dude." Jason groaned. "Wrong."
"Seriously, though. Are we loud?" my mom asked laughing a little.
"I'm not gonna answer that." Jason said as he came to stand beside me. He
wrapped an arm around my waist.
"I plead the fifth." I said as the color crept up my face.
"We need to sound proof this place." my aunt said laughing. "On a scale of
one to ten, how loud are we? I mean, sometimes, I'll be sitting in the room
I share with Toya, and I'll hear this, "Fuck me, Jason! Give it to me!" Not
to mention the way you slurp on each other. "Blade, let me suck that
torpedo cock of yours. Please, baby. I'm dying for it." ONE day, you left
your door a little bit open, and you two had the shades up, and the moon
was drifting in. I watched you two in a sixty-nine. It actually looked
tantric."
"Well, for you guys, it depends. On serious days, when you actually want to
_make _love, you two are pretty quiet." I said nonchalantly.
"How the hell do you know?" asked Jason rolling his eyes at me.
"I'm a night owl. Besides, taking a trip to the bathroom every night will
kind of put you in that situation. That's on a scale of one to ten, with
one being quiet, and ten being that we can actually understand every word,
and hear every moan. But when you two just wanna fuck, you two are
loud. Not jokin'. What about us?"
"That's it. I'm leaving." Jason said. I picked him up around the waist, and
held him in my arms, cradling him snugly.
"I'd say at about a nine and a half. Every time. Especially when you come
back from Haiti, Jay." my mom said smiling. "I imagine you're gonna give
Blade some great I'm glad you're back sex."
"I'm leaving. Put me down." Jason said avoiding her question. "Put me down,
or I'll knock you out again."
"Let's get food started, or we'll eat dinner at mid night." my mom said as
I leaned down and kissed Jason hard.
"Not here, you moron." my aunt said laughing. "Although, it is kind of
sweet. In a dorky sort of way."
"Right." I said as I kissed him again, deeper this time.
"Oh," my aunt said smiling. "And this one time--"
"Shut up!" Jason said as he punched my jaw and made me drop him.
We had a good dinner. I think I've never eaten so much in a while. It was
easier to keep all the food down. I still felt so drunk for some reason. I
think I got a buzz just from seeing Jason again. I smiled as I walked into
my room. Jason had moved the second twin bed back to where it belonged. I
had stopped by the drug store, and gotten a fresh bouquet of roses. Six red
ones, six white ones. I smiled as I saw the bouquet on the desk.
"Good night, you morons!" shouted my aunt from the next room.
"Good night, aunt Morticia." I said bitterly.
"Blade!" my mom called warningly.
"Tell her what you said to me when I first came back!" I yelled. "And don't
lie. Jason, what the hell are you doing?" I asked closing the door and
changing into my black Speedos.
"Putting these pics back into my phone." he said smiling. "Do you know how
much I have to restore?" he asked as I climbed into bed. "I'm glad I had a
backup."
"I'll back up." I said smiling seductively. "On your sweet, hot prick."
"Come on, Blade. Keep it G rated."
"Whatever. Leave that for later. Come on, don't keep me waiting. Get your
sweet ass over here."
"Let me just--" He reached over and turned off the computer. As he got up,
I got a look at his own pair of Speedos. The outline of his cock was
clearly visible, as they were so tight on him. I moaned. "You look so hot!
Get the hell over here, baby doll." I moaned as my cock hardened.
Jason swayed a little as he stumbled over to me. He climbed under the
covers and I smiled.
"Mmmmmm. Get the hell over here." I muttered as I wrapped my arms around
his shoulders. "You're so soft, and warm." I muttered.
"You're so stupid, and an idiot." Jason moaned as he kissed me.
I reached up and stroked his white face. It was the most beautiful thing
ever. I kissed his cheeks, and his jaw. I smiled as I ran my hands along
his marble chest.
"I love you so much, Blade." he said smiling. "So very much."
"That's why we're here." I said softly.
"Jason, I could've avoided that trip to the hospital. The only reason I
went was because of you. After you left," I stopped. My eyes filled with
tears. "After you left, I felt no hope at all. I felt so suicidal, I didn't
wanna keep on going. I wanted you to come back and get me. To keep
insisting, and finally get me to go with you. You never came back. So, I
just lost it. It was after I left the hospital that I figured I should come
back. When I went to the reservation for the last trip, I saw all these
people and knew I didn't belong there. I knew I had to be here again. I'm
glad I did what I did."
"Oh, Blade. You're in so much trouble." Jason said sighing. "You're gonna
get some really hard "I'm glad your back" sex coming your way."
"Fuck. Just don't let it be the last thing I do before I croak."
"You're not gonna croak." Jason said kissing me.
"Aw, Jason!" I gasped as the feelings of a pre-orgasm hit me. "Kiss me
again."