The Last Man on Earth

Indeed I did. Microsoft's $300 million campaign to promote the Windows 95 operating
system was meant to be universally effective, to convince every human being on the planet
that Windows 95 was an essential, some would say integral, part of living. Problem was, not
everyone had bought it. Specifically, I hadn't bought it. I was the Last Human Being Without
Windows 95. And now this little man from Microsoft was at my door, and he wouldn't take no
for an answer.

"No," I said.

"You know I can't take that," he said, pulling out a copy of Windows 95 from a
briefcase. "Come on. Just one copy. That's all we ask."

"Not interested." I said. "Look, isn't there someone else you can go
bother for a while? There's got to be someone else on the planet who doesn't have a
copy."

"Well, no," The Microsoft man said. "You're the only one."

"You can't be serious. Not everyone on the planet has a computer," I said.
"Hell, not everyone on the planet has a PC! Some people own Macintoshes, which run
their own operating system. And some people who have PCs run OS/2, though I hear that's just
a rumor. In short, there are some people who just have no use for Windows 95."

The Microsoft man look perplexed. "I'm missing your point," he said.

"Use!" I screamed. "Use! Use! Use! Why buy it, if you can't use it?"

"Well, I don't know anything about this 'use' thing you're going on about," The
Microsoft man said. "All I know is that according to our records, everyone else on the
planet has a copy."

"People without computers?"

"Got 'em."

"Amazonian Indians?"

"We had to get some malaria shots to go in, but yes."

"The Amish."

"Check."

"Oh, come on," I said. "They don't even wear buttons. How did you get them
to buy a computer operating system?"

"We told them there were actually 95 very small windows in the box," the
Microsoft man admitted. "We sort of lied. Which means we are all going to Hell, every
single employee of Microsoft." He was somber for a minute, but then perked right up.
"But that's not the point!" he said. "The point is, everyone has a copy.
Except you."

"So what?" I said. "If everyone else jumped off a cliff, would you expect
me to do it, too?"

"If we spent $300 million advertising it? Absolutely."

"No."

"Jeez, back to that again," the Microsoft man said. "Hey. I'll tell you
what. I'll give you a copy. For free. Just take it and install it on your computer." He
waved the box in front of me.

"No," I said again. "No offense, pal. But I don't need it. And frankly,
your whole advertising blitz has sort of offended me. I mean, it's a computer operating
system! Great. Fine. Swell. Whatever. But you guys are advertising it like it creates world
peace or something."

"It did."

"Pardon?"

"World peace. It was part of the original design. Really. One button access. Click
on it, poof, end to strife and hunger. Simple."

"So what happened?"

"Well, you know," he said. "It took up a lot of space on the hard drive.
We had to decide between it or the Microsoft Network. Anyway, we couldn't figure out how to
make a profit off of world peace."

"Go away," I said.

"I can't," he said. "I'll be killed if I fail."

"You have got to be kidding," I said.

"Look," the Microsoft man said, "We sold this to the Amish. The Amish!
Right now, they're opening the boxes and figuring out they've been had. We'll be pitchforked
if we ever step into Western Pennsyvania again. But we did it. So to have YOU holding out,
well, it's embarassing. It's embarassing to the company. It's embarassing to the product.
It's embarassing to Bill."

"Bill Gates does not care about me," I said.

"He's watching right now," the Microsoft man said. "Borrowed one of those
military spy satellites just for the purpose. It's also got one of those high-powered
lasers. You close that door on me, zap, I'm a pile of grey ash."

"He wouldn't do that," I said, "He might hit that copy of Windows 95 by
accident."

"Oh, Bill's gotten pretty good with that laser," the Microsoft man said,
nervously.

"Okay. I wasn't supposed to do this, but you leave me no choice. If you take this
copy of Windows 95, we will reward you handsomely. In fact, we'll give you your own
Caribbean island! How does Montserrat sound?"

"Terrible. There's an active volcano there."

"It's only a small one," the Microsoft man said.

"Look," I said, "even if you did convince me to take that copy of Windows
95, what would you do then? You'd have totally saturated the market. That would be it. No
new worlds to conquer. What would you do then?"

The Microsoft man held up another box and gave it to me.

"'Windows 95....For Pets'?!?!?"

"There's a lot of domestic animals out there," he said.

I shut the door quickly. There was a surprised yelp, the sound of a laser, and then
nothing.