MPs have complained that they are not being shown enough respect by the House of Commons staff.

I have a rule in life, it goes like this – the nicer you are to people, the nicer they are back to you.

I apply this rule in the Palace, just like I do everywhere; the staff are always exceptionally nice to me, no complaints here!

The House of Commons is a place where creeps always prosper. If you think you may have witnessed creeping on some scale in the past, believe me, you ain’t seen nothing like what goes on here!

I don’t do creeping. I come over all funny if I try. I feel as though I am going to choke, like the hand of some long dead ancestor who fought for workers’ rights is grabbing me around the throat and throttling me.

I wonder if it goes like this, those who creep, have problems with the staff, those who don’t – don’t!

David Burrowes, the lovely and always happy MP for Enfield Southgate and his wife are expecting baby number 6!!! David and I sometimes chat in the lobby during voting and he is always entertaining – never so entertaining as he was last night though! I was riveted to the green bench whilst he regaled me with the latest antics of Dougal Burrowes, his little boy, (no 3 in descending order).

Dougal has a pet lizard, it’s called James ‘bonkers’ Burrowes. In James’ cage, to keep him company, was a rather frisky, in the true adult sense of the word, fully grown, rather large, gender challenged, sexually frustrated cricket.

The cricket made many advances to the lizard, but all to no avail, and eventualy, the cricket decided to just go for it, and he did, went for it, literally. Having navigated his way onto the lizard, (gosh I don’t know how to put this delicately but I am sure you get the picture), and just as he reached the point of no return, the lizard turned around opened his mouth and ate him in one – whilst Dougal and David watched as spectators and looked at each other in some surprise. Surprise because although a predator, this had up until now, been one very lazy and laid back lizard.

Who said the female of the species was more deadly than the male? What lesson did Dougal learn from this tableau? Better than any he will get in a PHSE lesson in school I reckon!