Words I Never Said: A Cheating Lover Tells All

By “The Cheater”
UC Guest Commentary

The truth of the matter is that you love and loathe me simultaneously. You commit to me. You’re faithful to me. You invest your entire heart but can’t stomach it because I won’t commit and be faithful to you. No matter how many times I lie about my desire to be faithful, I always cheat again. I’m the person you hate to love because I, my friends, am the cheater.

I’m the one you animalize into a snake, a wolf, an insect or any other species you think symbolizes hideous chicanery and skillful deception. I break hearts. Yes, I admit it. I’ve probably broken your heart once or twice. And after that, you probably swore to never date me again. But I understand. I wouldn’t want to date me again either. But sometimes I do. Sometimes I date a fellow cheater, but end the relationship before I get too close because I know the signs. I am familiar with the habits and I am cognizant of the reasons. And you’re probably wondering about those reasons. Why do I cheat? Why don’t I remain single? Why not be upfront and honest? Those are understandable questions so I will address a few.

I Cheat Because It’s Easy to Be Selfish

I want to have my cake and eat it too. I place my needs above yours and make decisions without proper consideration of your feelings. It’s not that I lack the skill to imagine your feelings or the empathy to hypothetically consider my feelings with reversed roles. I am well aware of how angry and hurt I’d be. And it’s not that I don’t care if you discovered my indiscretions, because I actually do care. It is neither a lack of empathy or robust indifference; it’s more of a tacit defiance against following the rules of commitment. It’s an incorrigible habit I’ve developed because once I cheated and escaped ramifications the first time, it became easier and easier to continue. It’s easy to only and always think of me, which made it easier to think less and less of you.

I Cheat Out of Committing

I’m all for you committing to me. I enjoy the security. I love the idea of having one person on whom I can rely, but I am unwilling to execute what I demand of my lovers. I refuse to place all my eggs in one basket. However, I ensure that I’m the only egg in your basket. Selfish? Maybe. But it is the unfortunate truth. My noncommittal ways force me to live a life of intense hypocrisy inundated with my own laws of double standards. The Golden Rule doesn’t live here. Only my maxims are important. But I’m not all bad. I actually do love, honestly. I love you enough to protect you from seeing my noncommittal ways. Besides, what you don’t know won’t hurt you, right? So I love you enough to delete my texts, erase my direct messages, trash my emails and ensure I leave no clues or trails left behind for you to stumble across. I love you; I really do. I just don’t love you enough to not be selfish. I don’t love you or anyone as much as I love having and eating my cake.

I Cheat Because You Let me

I am not informing you of anything you don’t already know. I doubt you even need material evidence to prove I’m cheating. No secret cheating detectives are necessary. There’s no need to break into my social network accounts or cell phone. You probably have a suspicion or an intuition that gives you all the emotional evidence you need. People probably give you funny looks while we are out, or maybe you caught me in a lie and never said anything. Chances are you already know I’m cheating; you just help me with the deception. You contribute to the illusion of my faithfulness by lying to yourself. You tell yourself that my other partners don’t mean anything or that I will one day stop and change. Whatever the case may be – I don’t have to lie to you that much; you lie to yourself enough for me. I do the dirty work, but you do the hard part. So the final answer is I cheat because you let me, permit me and encourage me. I cheat because you love me enough to stay but don’t love yourself enough to go.

So if I’m such a snake or a wolf, or the ultimate deceiver, tell me, why are you still here?

UrbanCusp.com is a cutting-edge online life.style magazine highlighting progressive urban culture, faith, social change and global awareness. The site offers a platform for young adult perspectives, profiles inspirational visionaries and artists, and serves as an online community for change agents who are like-minded. Founded in 2011 by Rahiel Tesfamariam, Urban Cusp highlights voices, ideas and images not commonly found within mainstream media.