Wayne Rooney told to choose between hair loss treatments

Unsettled Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney has been told that he needs to end speculation about his future and decide once-and-for-all which hair loss product he wishes to be associated with.

‘It has long been known that Rooney’s hair follicles are seeking a transfer away from their current position on his scalp, but this uncertainty about where they’ll end up is no good for anyone,’ said one male health expert. ‘There are a number of leading brands out there, but Rooney needs decide which is for him. Does he stick with what he knows and continue with Regaine, or make a fresh start with Propecia?’

Some pundits argue that there has been an irreparable breakdown in the relationship between Rooney and his hairline. ‘There’s definitely been a parting of the waves, and the two sides are only getting further apart,’ said Match of the Day’s Alan Hansen. ‘Rooney’s hair is finally tiring of being played out of position, and it’s threatening to leave. And I can understand why – all too often it’s found itself isolated up front with no support coming forward from the back.’

But Manchester United continue to insist that Rooney’s hair is not about to leave. ‘We’ll do anything to keep Wayne’s hair here, where it belongs,’ said manager David Moyes. ‘We’re confident he’ll sign now that we’ve upped his terms and offered him a Bobby Charlton comb-over.’