Everything the same still is different.

by maddrunkgenius

Lost, groping, throwing myself of anyone’s stupid pity to
tell me where is best to go, & when.
——Drinking too much before first flight with US Army
——soldier & infantryman Stephen Hawkins, uniformed & flying to
——Dallas to meet his fiance & family for the holidays tho she is
——newly pregnant & he is newly stationed at Fort Lewis & turned
——on to Candy Crush-ish games by that fiance.
Mother of boy, now engaged to his father, sits with us. She, too, lived in
sin. Her religious parents also will need to get used to it.
——Soldier buys Jagerbombs after Guinness not available for Irish car bombs.
—— I buy us Maker’s on the rocks to feel less an asshole, but he’s on four
——hours drunk at not yet 1 PM. The bar has been high set.

A mile-high drunk (again!). But my only action is frequent pissing &
forgetting once to lock the door.
——Terrible unfamiliarness, queueness, numbers, and everywhere fees.
——Drink is more money spent, but less money felt.
‘I’ve never flown in a plan before, but now I have,’ the
boy says, as happy about that as anyone should be, & you’re
happier for that, for being able to listen to it.
——The terrible fear of dying here, the noise, the statistics, all.
——The literalness of seeing an ex-fuck the moment you step
——foot off the plane. (She works at the hometown airport now.)
And posters.
‘Delivering solutions to the oil & gas industry for over 85 years.’
——’Yeah, yeah. But why aint it MIA officially?’
It really aint home no more. Already.
——But at least I can still fit my boots on.
The TSA isn’t quite as terrible as all that. But a petty tyranny, yes.
——Jeans & camo hats & oilfield jackets & fiddles wailing w/o irony.
The wait is interminably long at Whataburger, as always (as always!)
& I miss out on the standing (stumbling) Thursday nite debauchery
but it’s for the best.

I go sleep in my parents’ home again, a guest on their den couch.
For the only time of the trip.

Friday nite! Thanksgiving!
To the bar where I took my mail, once. The book case still there. My cup.
——Another ex fuck bartending now, and heavier. I dont want her yet, but
——later will. I know.
An after party! Mr Low & I must join, but where to go! Where
——Mr Hard Drink, best childhood friend & stranger, does not call back.
——I never see him.
It turns out, we’re an apartment building away from Mr Low

My grandfather of 15 years prior would with himself deceased now.
Or then, even, to avoid all this.
——An honest man knows his limitations.
Life is an endless series of Kobayashi Marus to one’s adherence to optimism.
——It’s an afterparty of a dozen male sots & three pretty young blackouts
——So we’re all optimists tonite.
The optimism is wrong, but it’s all we have to go on.
——She falls with all the weight of good old gin inside her.

Everything the same still is different.
——Time on its own destroys all.
If I were fulfilled, I’d not want this.
——People know not their desires.
Music is math understood.
——God is a [illegible] failing, failed.
Women are a stupid commodity to
transit drunkenly in.

——I wasnt as terrible at my job as I feared prior.
To the dark mist I drink, I conjure with reliable alchemy.
——Red shopping cart at the corner of everything now.

My last nite, praise Bacchus all thru till morning lite
Dropped off home to say goodbye to parents before work
They smell the reek of me, but say nothing except pained smiles
——Sister comes to pick up my self for airport return.
——Breakfast of much coffee, many cigarettes for her. Some eggs.
——I believe in nothing, including monogamy. I profess to my
——relationship to be especially temporary. But she had the bastard,
——the divorce, remarriage, separation, adultery. We both cite scripture
——but one as it suits our purpose, the other for a purpose.