I get the impression this is more about control than honest worrying. That the parents just want to hold that electronical leash on OP and haven't quite grasped the ol' "If you love something set it free" idea.

That OP's mother pulled the despicable hospital trick on her to get her to call just really screams "control" to me.

Logged

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

"I received your last email and honestly, I've been stewing about it, because really, how do you respond to a parent's email that only says, "I hate you"? Since your, "I hate you" was very blunt, I will in turn be blunt for you: I have been delaying calling you on the phone because I dread being yelled at and berated on EVERY SINGLE CALL for merely living my life further away from you than you'd like.

Yes, this happens every time we speak on the phone, and honestly, it makes me want to contact you even less. Think about it...why would I want to do something that will invite someone to yell at me? You may be my parents, but I'm an adult now too. I won't put up with that. You don't make me miss you when the contact we do have involves yelling and guilt trips.

So with your last message to me of "I hate you," I think it's best that I take those words at face value, because really, WHY would you say something like that to your child, who you supposedly want more contact with, if that statement wasn't true?

So I will be operating under the assumption that you hate me and wish no further contact. Likewise, I will not contact you. This is best right now, considering the emotions on both sides. I may contact you at some future date to see if your feelings for me have changed, but right now I don't know when or if that might happen.

Sincerely,blahblah

------------I think you need to call him/them on the "I hate you". Notice I brought it up several times. They have to know that they've crossed a line and they can't just jump back over it.

Otherwise, I would have set up a weekly phone chat. Say, Sundays at five or whatever is convenient for you. No more than fifteen minutes. And if they start to yell or berate you, "I'm sorry, but our time is now up. I don't call to hear you yell at me. I call to talk to you. IF you cannot do that, there is no reason to keep talking to you. We'll try this again next Sunday, same time".

This way, if they have a set time and day for phone calls, this might pacify them, (although it sounds like not), but you can say you did your part.

I would respond to the email, but not to dad, to mom. I would simply write "You will never hear from me again until you get your husband under control, you both apologize for your hatefulness and you come up with a reasonable plan for contact that does not include insults, chastisements, yelling or contact more then 1 a week. You both have one chance to get it right or I will cut off contact forever. You both have caused this, you will be the ones to suffer for it and you are the ones responsible for fixing this. Your behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated."

Is it worth cutting off contact? No, not unless you have been wanting a reason to do so.

If you choose to stay in contact with your family then draw a boundary that you negotiate with them. It really isn't unusual for parents of adult children to want regular contact and to do the "dead in a ditch" story. It also isn't unusual for those adult children to feel frustrated and "leashed".

My solution as the adult child (OK, a strange phrase) was to set up a day and time each week - I think it was Wednesday evening - when I would call them. Many of the calls were short, but they served the purpose of reassuring them I was fine and still let me feel like I was controlling the situation.

Much later the phone calls became more frequent as they accepted my role as an adult, but for the first few years once a week calls worked for all of us.

Okay, maybe I'm just crazy here since no one else has mentioned this yet...

You said you were emailing to tell him about upcoming plans -- not emailing him about how you planned to not call him. So why do you think "I hate you" has anything to do with not calling? Do you have a reason to think he even meant it seriously?

"I hate you" is exactly the kind of thing my dad would reply if I told him about fun plans. As a joke. In the "I hate you because I wish I were [going to X concert, flying to Y country]."

Since I don't know the background (it currently sounds like normal parent-child bickering rather than anything toxic), assuming "I hate you" is a) serious and b) related to not phoning seems a little hasty, to me.

I would respond to the email, but not to dad, to mom. I would simply write "You will never hear from me again until you get your husband under control, you both apologize for your hatefulness and you come up with a reasonable plan for contact that does not include insults, chastisements, yelling or contact more then 1 a week. You both have one chance to get it right or I will cut off contact forever. You both have caused this, you will be the ones to suffer for it and you are the ones responsible for fixing this. Your behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated."

Don't forget the horrific and manipulative lie her mother told about the being in the hospital.

While I like the wording of some of the e-mail suggestions I suspect that your father might not read past the first line or two. Don't give him any reason to get defensive. I'm guessing that they resent your having flown the coop and the hometown and they're using electronic media to control you or manipulate you into guilt or insecurity.

If it's possible, change your phone numbers and e-mail addresses. If that is impractical block theirs.

Okay, maybe I'm just crazy here since no one else has mentioned this yet...

You said you were emailing to tell him about upcoming plans -- not emailing him about how you planned to not call him. So why do you think "I hate you" has anything to do with not calling? Do you have a reason to think he even meant it seriously?

"I hate you" is exactly the kind of thing my dad would reply if I told him about fun plans. As a joke. In the "I hate you because I wish I were [going to X concert, flying to Y country]."

Since I don't know the background (it currently sounds like normal parent-child bickering rather than anything toxic), assuming "I hate you" is a) serious and b) related to not phoning seems a little hasty, to me.

This...is actually a really good point. "I hate you" is sometimes used for "I'm really jealous you're going to Aruba while I'm stuck here in the cold and rain." In person or with a smiley, it's really obviously a joke, but just in stark plain words, it looks harsh. Though with the history, it's hard to say.

If ending contact will make life easier/better for you, do it. If putting them in a prolonged time out will help, do it.

My parents earned their cut direct with what sounds like a very similar series of communications. I don't need their mess dragging me down. I didn't have a final conversation with them, or tell them what was happening. I just did it.

Once my mom left me a voicemail, saying that she had been admitted to the hospital due to illness. Of course I called back as soon as I got the message. Surprise! She hadn't been admitted to the hospital at all, she just left that message to make me feel guilty for not calling as often as she wanted. I was ticked. So that's the sort of stuff I'm talking about when I mention past drama.