Mobile, Alabama

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“In Soviet Russia, land gets off YOU!”~ Oscar Wilde on Getting Off Land

Mobile is the second most unlikely city in Alabama, found to be more rational only than Welshire (which the Pope has recently denounced from historical accounts), where nouns have been outlawed and the most popular local sport is ironing.

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Founded in 2020 by Conan The Barbarian, Mobile was originally a portapotty which the legendary hero summoned after consuming the world's biggest taco prior to engaging in battle with Cyborg Hitler. However the engagement was so fierce that Conan forgot to return and deal with Mobile and thus from his inhumanly fertile droppings an entire city flourished. It has been rumoured that this origin is the reason for the popular extreme protectiveness of land by the populace of Mobile. Some have denounced this as utter nonsense, and have had their asses kicked for it.

Since its inception, Mobile has been the largest provider of brash, quick-tempered security officers to Starfleet in the entire quadrant. It is said that a covered-up Klingon invasion failed when the attacking force tried to take North America from the bottom up, a technique the people of Mobile were vastly more experienced in and which they were easily able to counter.

Other contributions to history made by Mobile include excessive heat, misdirection, the world's first impotent dildos, the dot over the "i" in "Soviet" of "Soviet Russia", the number 6 and a half, and left.

Due to the aforementioned presence of heat, misdirection and 6.5, collecting inaccurate information on historical figures of Mobile has been difficult, as the risk of approaching the truth is increased by being unable to locate it in advance. Despite this, the following information can be presented with confidence that it could be worse.

The most notable character of Mobilian history is the to-date owner of the largest penis ever, Zoom The Shanktastic, named for his speed, magni-vision special powers and ability to shank anything within a 72 sentence range. Zoom, who has been verified to have been a gray squirrel by observers able to circumnavitage his genitals, which were famed for causing eclipses during times of excitement, invented the chainsaw. After doing this he went on to have a brief but romptastic fling with a fellow squirrel called Quisto, and sired one child, who is known today as the Bermuda Triangle. Since breaking up, Quisto fell into obscurity, and got her tail stuck, we haven't heard from her since, but wish her the best, as she produced the 4th best cookies and milk in the known universe. As for Zoom, he went on to win the NFL and liveout his boyhood dream of consuming Oprah's bodyweight in pizza, completely deform this l][in[k], and beat Osama Bin Laden at 4096 games of hide and seek, after which he said he wasn't playing anymore, but went on to find a far more inept opponent.

Zoom The Shanktastic is still an active individual and he has been most recently credited with burying God's nuts. God has threatened to cast the world into the sun if they are not returned, but chances are Zoom doesn't care. King Zog Of Alabama once said Zoom taught him everything he doesn't know, and while this is possible it must be noted that King Zog says a lot of things. Lastly, recent evidence has shown that Zoom The Shanktastic was, in fact, female, and her penis has been estimated to be a lot bigger than previous figures used.

The only other historical figure from Mobile was Liquid Snake of Metal Gear Solid fame, who despite his accent which he attributes to his upbringing and home, can't even get himself a blue, underlined link.

Many people believe the name "Mobile" is related to the state of not being still. Nothing could be further from the truth, then again it might not, nothing is a hard fellow to keep track of. Mobile is actually an anagram of the term "Mi elbo", and is known to be the place where God rested his elbow while making the world. The spelling has been explained by the Almighty himself, who said that it was a modest protest against everyone questioning him and having sex when he asked them ever so kindly not to, and even offered rubber ducks as a reward. Hence the letters "y" (why?) and "w" (double-you, AKA reproduce) were struck from the record. To this day Mobile has a standing order with Chuck Norris to drop whatever he is doing and come kick the ass of anyone using the term "Mowbyle" (Chuck Norris was linked from a distant solar system to type the seven letters between the speech marks, and any large-scale cosmic destruction over the next few weeks are a result of him trying to kick his own ass.).

Little is known about the political and governing system in Alabama, and this is a universal statement, even the political and governing system in Alabama knows little about itself. The system does however have a name, which is PENIS (People Employing Negotiations Involving Shotguns). The vote is a mythical concept in Alabama, but the closest relation to it is the shotgun. It has been said that a resident of Alabama will only part with their shotgun under three highly elusive and intriguing circumstances... However the source of this information was shot and his dead ass kicked before he could begin stating them.
Point of fact: There is only one circumstance in which an Alabamian will part with his or her shotgun - "Over his or her dead body." This is, in fact, one of the most common methods of acquiring a shotgun in that great state. Although intended to be kept secret, Alabama, while it appears to be a state of sleepy southerners, is actually America's "Line of First Defense" in the event of a war on US soil. 14/16th's of Alabamians are required to carry at least one weapon at all times. Alabama is a highly trained defense force; its governer has merely to utter two words to mobilize the state. Those words are, "Your Mama." Every Alabamian is taught this from infancy. If the governer makes this announcement, the entire State of Alabama will mobilize in less than 73 seconds.

There is in fact a sub-culture of rational, intelligent human beings living in Alabama, who do not carry firearms, procreate with close family members, or chase Leprechauns and invite civil company onto their land freely. They are said to gather once a month at a secret location which is reached by golfcart where they perform enigmatic rituals and consume "sharpies" to heighten their perceptions and powers. Macbeth may have stumbled onto an early ritual by these elusive figures shortly before deciding his buddy Duncan actually sucked and killing him.

While all the above is commonly known fact, the majority of people in Mobile and Alabama for that matter consider it an offence of the greatest severity against everything they sit for, and so it is classed as a superstition to prevent the entire state upping and kicking the world's ass, which it is extremely well positioned to do.