Heart Stains – Happy Valentine’s Day

Despite a good portion of the US being nipple-deep in snow, Valentine’s Day is upon us. While it certainly doesn’t feel like spring is just around the corner, the designated day of love is here. Many of you may protest that this is a holiday made up by Hallmark or Disney, but you should probably get something for your sweetie regardless. Whether it’s flowers (pro-tip: don’t buy them at the gas station), chocolates (pro-tip: a Fun-Size Snickers doesn’t count), or a romantic dinner for two (pro-tip: White Castle has tablecloths, flowers, and table service just for the special occasion. Set your reservation now!), you should probably get something. Just as long as that something isn’t one of these shirts.

Metallica – Gimme fyool, gimme fiyah, gimme a shirt that draws my ire

A heart: The international symbol of love. Clearly, Metallica wants this buck-toothed demon to show you some love. Why else would monster skull/spine combo grin like someone just said the word “duty”? Just look at the sweet twinkle in its hollow eye sockets as it presents you a perfectly parched heart with its disembodied hand. It even has its best mummy wraps on. What does that say at the bottom? Heart Extinction? Heart Explosion? Either way, that’s love baby.

In a weird twist, the heart is completely dry, but the multiple “Metallica” logos are all dripping with blood like they just got out of a soccer (or football, for our international friends) match between the English Crotchstompers and the German Headbutters. Are we to infer that our happy lil’ demon wrote Metallica with the heart? If so, that is pretty creative and resourceful. What a catch! If he’s a doctor or lawyer, marry him now!

Emmure – Keeping it classy

We already know that Emmure are classacts, so their inclusion shouldn’t be a surprise. While I had a number of Emmure shirts to choose from (don’t worry, plenty will be inducted in future editions of Shirt Stains), this one struck me as particularly stupid. Mario banging Princess Peach. With their clothes on, no less. I think someone needs to teach Frankie and the boys all about the birds and the bees. Or maybe Peach is choking and Mario doesn’t know how to do the Heimlich Maneuver.

Also, nice job changing Mario’s colors. That’ll throw off those pesky Nintendo lawyers! Kudos to Emmure for somehow not also cramming in Luigi, Toad, Bowser, and Yoshi. Then again, I don’t know what’s on the back of the shirt, so it’s still possible that they’re on it.

Is it supposed to be funny? I don’t think it is, judging by the pained look on the model’s face. This is a guy with big plugs and a full sleeve tattoo that also goes to his hand, and this Emmure shirt is what’s embarrassing him. That’s definitely a “where did I fuck up in my life?” expression.

Cradle of Filth – What’s black and red and pasty all over?

First off, apologies for the small photo, but this is what I could find that included the back. On the front of this shirt, we get Cradle of Filth lead banshee Dani Filth in all of his pale glory. He looks like a Romney caught in a chalk snowstorm. To one side is a heart, bringing the only splash of color to the entire shirt. On the other side, uh… I’m not really sure? Another heart? Let’s take a closer look.

Yeah, I’m still not sure, but it’s either melting off of Dani’s face or growing out of it like a tree. Either way, no sense made. And what’s that in front of him? An engine? I have so many questions and very little answers. It’s like asking why people talk about the Grammys when they mean absolutely nothing. Or asking why bands feel the need to put their name on both sleeves. Just stop! Bad Dani! Bad! Go to your room!

HIM – Ville Valo sure is purty

For those that don’t remember, HIM were a hard-ish rock-ish Finn-ish band that referred to themselves as “Love Metal”. I think that was really just easier than calling themselves “SAWFT”. According to Wikipedia, they formed in 1991. Wow! Really, though, we’re not here to talk about the band. We’re here to talk about this hilarious shirt.

No one would ever confuse HIM singer Ville Valo for a “beefcake”, and this shirt confirms it. More like “tofu donut”. Maybe it’s his straw-like frame, soft pouty lips, or his disturbing nipple tattoo, but I don’t think Ville is winning any Tough Man contests any time soon. If you didn’t know HIM was a band, you might mistake this shirt from a 50 Shades of Grey knock-off. This is the shirt that launched a thousand creepy fan-fiction stories on Tumblr. I guess the rest of HIM should be thankful that they’re not included.

Bullet For My Valentine – Lolbuttz. Literally.

This shirt, with its laughing skulls in the shape of a heart, kind of looks like a traumatized butt.