For decades now therapists have been maligning the practice
of giving advice.

The reason, I suspect, was that they were not very good at
it. Nevertheless, they have helped create a culture that tells you that you
must be true to your heart and your gut.

Isn’t that the royal road to romance?

The women on “Miss Advised” seem to value spontaneity. This
has rendered them self-conscious and histrionic. Without any self-control they
fill their lives with indiscretions and follies.

They may think that they are being true to themselves, but
they are merely out of control. They allow their actions to be dictated by
their desperation and then cannot understand why men do not want to be involved with
them.

In truth, they end up looking weak, insecure and insincere.

Incapable of connecting with other human beings they get
caught in a dream world where they are trying to will a relationship into
existence. In the end they seem headed for a life where their only meaningful
relationship is with themselves.

Yesterday, Elizabeth Bernstein posted about some new research
that demonstrated the value of “self-distancing.”

For people who are far too full of themselves for their own
good, a little self-distancing would surely be a good thing.

When your life is in turmoil, you do best to step back, take
a deep breath and look at the situation as though it were happening to someone
else.

It is easier said than done, but if you learn how to do it,
you will start controlling your emotions and your behavior. And you will be
functioning more like an adult and less like an overgrown adolescent.

In Bernstein’s words:

Are you
easily provoked? Wish you had a strategy to remain calm, cool and collected
when someone makes you angry? New research says you should try this: Pretend
you’re viewing the irritating situation from a distance, rather than actively
participating in it.

Of course, it all sounds a bit simpleminded. Serious defenders
of traditional therapy will reject it out of hand.

It is not based on insight or on grand ideas. It seems to be
based on a mental trick.

Superior minds, especially those that are full of
themselves, tend to look down on good advice, especially the kind that is
offered up by cognitive therapists and coaches.

For their, and everyone else’s benefit let’s clarify
the idea.

.

Self-distancing comes about at a moment when you are
flailing around, lost and perhaps in danger, and you think to yourself that you
need to think clearly, to devise a plan of action, and to follow it.

People who find themselves in turmoil often become desperate.
They despair of finding any positive action so they act out their feelings of
powerlessness. They panic, lose control, and eventually get overwhelmed by the
situation.

Self-distancing takes you out of the drama and into the
game. It takes you out of a narrative where you are doomed to follow the script
and into a game where your actions can affect the outcome.

It’s the difference between thinking that the world is a stage
and thinking that the world is an arena or a chessboard.

Self-distancing is often disparaged because it makes you
more calculating and less spontaneous. People who are looking for love—instead of
looking for a spouse—assume that they need to advertise their spontaneity and
enthusiasm.

As with any piece of good advice, self-distancing is easier
said than done.

Once you step back and appraise your situation objectively
your first reaction will be one of profound embarrassment. Seeing yourself as
others see you is a sobering and painful exercise.

And yet, once you do so, you will instantly find that it is extremely difficult to continue to be histrionic. Maybe it’s only a
first step, but it is an essential step to changing your errant ways.