Hey guess what everyone? The NFL network has helpfully offered you a segment where Vanilla Ice offers words of wisdom to Tim Tebow for sustained professional success. I want to kill myself.

Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger also gets in on the act because, well, I have no earthly idea. Because he heroically landed a plane in the Hudson river and Tebow heroically ditched his shirt for a slow motion rain run?

Mary Lou Retton discusses getting autograph requests from underneath a bathroom stall because let's piss all over the excitement of the first Sunday of the NFL season.