Taking From The Rich, Giving To Middle-class

December 19, 1986|By Bob Morris of the Sentinel Staff

The Christmas season is well upon us and many folks are entertaining vague notions of good will, an emotion strangely absent the rest of the year, unless one makes a nightly habit of hanging out until last call.

In this final week before Christmas Day, we will hear many pleas to help the needy. But few of us stop to consider another group of people that needs our care and support come Christmas, individuals who suffer mightily this time of year and whose wants and needs are so far removed from the realm of common experience that their personal traumas and turmoils are often overlooked.

I'm talking, of course, about rich people.

How many of us really open our hearts to rich people on Christmas Day? How many among us pause to consider their unique afflictions? Indeed, how often have you awoken on that joyous morning and taken just a moment to reflect upon the hardships of a Getty, a Rockefeller or whoever invented the zip-lock bag? How do they deal with the guilt of being overblessed? How do they cope with the awful burden of social and economic superiority? That we do so little for them is nothing less than a national disgrace.

And that's why some of us have formed a noble organization that neatly combines a popular Germanic concept of Christmas with an English tradition that originated in Sherwood Forest.

We call it Santa Hood Inc.

As the name implies, we are quite active this time of year, taking from the rich and giving to the poor, or at least the middle class because most of our members tend to be in that income bracket.

How does Santa Hood work? Let me share a recent heartwarming example.

The problem: It was Christmas Eve and Madame V., a socialite-heiress- dignit ary's wife, had been so busy with balls and soirees and such that she had neglected to line up any needy people to whom she could give food and gifts and thereby get her seasonal fill of good deeds. She had made several calls, but all the needy people she had used before were booked up. A local Jaycees chapter had laid claim to the needy people Madame V. had come to think of as her own.

''The Jaycees . . . how gauche,'' sniffed Madame V. ''I would gladly write a check to some charity and let it use the money as it sees fit. But I just love to see the looks on the faces of those needy people when I give them something. It's the gratitude of my inferiors that helps me enjoy Christmas.'' The Santa Hood solution: We rounded up a bunch of our members, hit our favorite tavern, got a sparkle in our eyes, then popped in on Madame V. We cleaned out the old gal. I mean, we're talking racks of lamb and cases of Bordeaux here. We looked pitiful and thankful and she was ecstatic. We made her Christmas. We also made off with the krugerrands she keeps in the basement vault. And we assured her she could count on Santa Hood for all her last- minute Christmas spirit needs.

There are many other ways in which Santa Hood helps rich people enjoy Christmas. If some well-to-do couple gets their jollies assisting the sick and infirm, we can easily arrange for our members to be bedridden, even comatose. If homeless waifs are required, then we have plenty of kids well-trained in the art of the woeful countenance and welled-up tears. And if relief to the famine-stricken in some far-off country is your bag, then Santa Hood can set up a dummy charity in a jiffy and launder your donation in a tax-wise manner. For those of you who would like to join the growing number of Santa Hood volunteers, then membership requirements are simple. Just send us the name of some rich person and include a short dossier about that person's particular wants and needs. Is he or she a sucker for any liberal cause that comes along? Or is that person's pocketbook usually open to right wing and reactionary groups? Be sure to estimate the person's net worth.

A Santa Hood representative will then case the joint, er, investigate the giving potential of these people. And if they meet our high requirements, then you'll be invited to join us in the plunder, er, the joy of giving and receiving. So please, contact Santa Hood in care of this column. Be a part of the merry band of men and women who know the joy that soaking, er, helping the rich can bring.