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Our leaders have failed us, as promised. So it’s up to We, the American People, to revive our faltering economy while ensuring our long-term financial health. It’s a bit of a pickle, but I’m sure if we all roll up our shirt sleeves—

I’m not wearing a shirt! Woo!

Be that as it may, we’ve made it out of worse scrapes than this. As my father used to say—

Your father is a foreigner!

Yes, he was a hard-working Irish immigrant.

Immigrant!

A legal immigrant. He was natural—

Show us his birth certificate!

I’m not sure that’s—

How do we know he wasn’t secretly born in the United States?

If we could put that issue aside for the mo—

Hibernian cover-up! Freemasons!

And concentrate on the matter at hand. We need to find jobs for 14 million people and cut $9 trillion from the federal budget over the next decade. Let’s start by making a list of priorities—

Why do you get to hold the pencil?

I brought it from home.

You’re just going to erase my priorities when I’m not looking!

All of our priorities will take a hit, I’m afraid.

You’ll have to pry my Social Security and Medicare benefits from my cold, soon-to-be-dead hand! I paid for it!