Mike’s Take: Sex, crying and a ‘friend’ I know

WASHINGTON – It turns out, the average American man spends a total of two months having sex in his lifetime. And about two and a half months crying.

Could there possibly be a connection?

Those numbers sounded off when I first heard them. But upon reflection, I think they’re about right.

See, I’ve got this friend…

Oh, never mind.

I heard about these numbers on Sunday night during one of those pseudo-science cable TV shows. They run interesting factoids across the bottom of the screen, kinda like the “news crawlers” some networks use.

The program also reported the average man lives about 900 months, which also sounds about right.

So what to do with this kind of information?

Is two months of love-making a lot or a little?

When we weep for more than two months in a lifetime, is that good for our nerves and tear ducts?

If that is an average, it means some guys over a lifetime will spend six months, maybe even a year, making love … whereas others might be lucky to get an hour. Maybe that’s what they mean by your “15 minutes of fame.”

Fifteen minutes? It boggles the mind.

What it didn’t say, but what I suspect, is the linkage (if any) between crying and love-making. I mean, think about it:

Much of the crying men do is when they are boys, maybe up to ages 6 or 7. Then, we go through a long period of the “real men don’t cry” mantra. Then when we hit puberty … or more correctly, when puberty hits us … we probably start crying again.

Why? Are we lacking something?

The study didn’t mention women, which is too bad because it is possible they are both the cause and cure for male-pattern blubbering. I’m just saying.

The study didn’t have that much impact on me. I’ve got no problems. But I do have this “friend” and he is obsessed with it. He goes around writing down numbers, closing his eyes, counting with his fingers and doing what appears to be complex math equations, although he is not a numbers guy.

Kind of like me, except of course, it is not me. But it is interesting to watch his turmoil.

My “friend” said they apparently flashed some numbers later on about how much time women spend doing stuff. My “friend” said he missed it because he found himself crying uncontrollably.

Wish I had seen it, of course.

It would help me help him get through some issues.

Mike has spent the majority of his life inside the Beltway and has an interesting and humorous perspective that he will share every Wednesday. Mike has spent his career covering the federal government for the Washington Post and now for Federal News Radio.