~ Sort of not depressed, flirting with mindfulness

Space For My Thoughts

I have had a week without 3son and 4son, something I’ve never managed to achieve before. It’s been a busy week.

As I posted earlier I stayed overnight after having dropped them off and really felt uncomfortable being on my own in a strange environment.

However on Monday I went to stay with what can only be described as my BFF. This is my one friend from school, who I met when about 14 although it probably took us a couple of years to become friends. She’s the only person I’m not related to who was there when it all happened. It was shocking to realise that we hadn’t actually seen each other for around 10 years although we had kept in touch by telephone.

She’s still 18, albeit a responsible householder with a collection of grey hairs and we talked for 48 hours straight although trying to catch up on 10 years of face to face conversation is slightly bizarre.

I had a touristy day on my own before returning home which I thoroughly enjoyed and with less of the strain I had felt at the weekend.

Thursday and Friday I had 48 hours left at home, with just 2son for company who had been looked after by 1son in my absence. Other than the pile of washing up, all was well. I indulged myself by watching five films at our local independent cinema and really enjoyed watching grown up films without a horde of children munching, slurping and crinkling away.

I’ve really enjoyed not having to think about 3son and 4son for a few days. It really gives space for my thoughts to expand and to simply relax.

As ever, I made some resolutions for the term ahead.:

I’m going to try and write most days and to do so first thing in the morning before getting on with work, in an attempt to put myself first.

I’m going to try and re-engage with food, to rediscover joy and pleasure in it. This is a monumental task and needs breaking down into small bit-sized pieces. To this end, and since passing a bookshop while alone proved irresistible, I’ve bought a couple of student cookbooks as these aim to provide interesting meals that take a minimum of time to prepare. I shall try to cook a couple of new dishes a week and plan food in advance rather than last thing. I also need to try completing the Hunger chart from HAES.

What else? Me time. I’m going to attempt going to the cinema on my own once a week and go more regularly to the theatre, with or without children.

My only other task is to think about what I would say to my father if I did have that conversation on the assumption that thinking about it might help clarify my feelings.

That’s a lot to be thinking about and quite honestly I also need to be thinking about why I find it so necessary to continually re-assess my progress and make new goals. I know it’s partly to do with feeling that time is passing and I’ve wasted enough of it already.