We have
made every effort.But more often,
we have decided against that.

If you
cannot find an answer to a particular query, please, do we look like your
mother?

Good luck!

"In
the wave of the future, please bring your own water bottle!"

--Woody—

***

Woody Woodman's Finger Palace

XXXth WoodTennial

Presents:

Into The Maelstrom

October 12 toNovember 22,
2008

Feets Of Wonder!

Amazing Embellishments!

Underwater Conundrums!

Spectacles & Spectacles!

Lost & Found!!

Dismemberments Reassembled!

Memories Uncovered!

Powerful Displays Of Wizardry!

Moments Of Awe & Huh?

Mysteries Revealed!

Shadows & Disappea

Why have
these last 30 years taken so long?In 1978, when the First Finger Palace on Earth was established at Woody
Woodman's, things were a whole lot simpler:
dinosaurs ruled.

Those were
the days when to get somewhere you actually had to go.Paper maps were employed rigorously and
reused; then lost.And most often,
the place you were going to was still there when you arrived.All our bribes were paid in cash;
people who were late just left and came back another time.The dirt clods thrown at the door were
never explained.

We will not
complain; it could have been 30 beers.We always suspected the now quaint notion of "word
of mouth" was nothing more than a moron who
swallowed an ox while watching a mirror.Our credo unabashedly explicit through the jeers: get the audience out
the door before they demand their money back.That sentence is not grammatically correct, but never
interfered with our collection practices.

We are
further happy to announce that many who have performed at The Palace are now
dead.This was always the plan:
perform here and die (a slight but better embellishment on the theatrical adage
"break a leg").While that might be said of anyone anywhere, or those who should perform
elsewhere, there is little doubt that to have died and NOT performed at Woody
Woodman's Finger Palace would suggest a fatal mistake,
and for the purposes of our dedicated customers, rather beside the point.

Set your watch to Very Mean Time and aim
at any satellite still in the sky, adjusting for the weather reports, sports
reports, financial and political news, pictures of pictures forwarded by some
of your best friends just made, instant recipes for cardamom cheese cake
(flourless), six lectures on Iranian History, a calendar of events someone like
you might enjoy, or others you might like might enjoy who don't like you enjoying or might enjoy who don't like you, or just those who might enjoy not liking you
like them.

As we
always say at The Palace:Some of
my best friends aren't real, or they really aren't.

Please come
to WWFP's XXXth WoodTennial:Into The Maelstrom and watch the new
line-up fall on their swords FOR YOUR PLEASURE!

"These
two improvisers, investigating The Music of Colors & The Color of Musics,
have constructed extremely small and overly large pieces of investigations
reminding some of an Aurora Borealis on skids.Don't trust me on this."--Woody--

VERY SPECIAL
FINGER EVENT (and you get to keep your money)!!

“Stop by
The Palace between 3 and 6 (performances somewhere in between) and get your
eyes polished twice!

Meeting Katie & Joe will change your
life, or at least your mind.”

--Woody

***

Friday
10/17/08& Saturday 10/18/088:00 PM

Special 30-Year
Reunion!!

The Incredible EVAN PARKER &
(Less Credible) GREG GOODMAN: Joined At The Lips!

"These
two gentlemen have played, performed & recorded around the world for 30
years; this has not stopped them from eating together inbetween, or debating if
there should be a hyphen in this sentence.

If you are
too young to remember that first (1978) great encounter, or too old to hear
them now, we suggest an Improvisatory Bypass Operation, then wearing your
hospital gown to this performance: it's the
only way to recover!"--Woody--

Dear
Mr. Woodman:

It
has come to my attention that your venue will be serving as the location for a
reunion between Charlie Parker and Benny Goodman. This is wonderful! Frankly, I
wasn't aware these two ever really played together, but who cares? I'm
full of excitement over the prospect of seeing these two reed-playing experts
together on the stage. Not to mention what a boon it will be for Jewish-negro
relations. And in Berkeley of all places.

Now,
if only Woody Shaw would sit in!

I
look forward to seeing you, and if cocktails are served, please make mine
Manhattan.

Thank you,Dave Flexingbergstein

***

Friday
10/24/08 & Saturday 10/25/08 8:00 PM

Part 1:Debra Allan Poe In The Art of
Fright with Deb Gwinn

Part 2:Liz Allbee, Trumpeteuse
Extraordinaire: An Improvised Knife

"Debra
Allan Poe is known for pulling the curtain over the curtain, then waiting for
the dark to remember where it came from. Even with a driver's license, the people who see this piece will never be the
same!"

"Liz
Allbee has studied carefully the delicate mechanisms of the inner ear and
determined scientifically that we are all standing on our heads! The brilliance
of her work is not that she puts us once again on our feet, but that she gives
us a new head to stand upon!"

--Woody--

***

Friday & Saturday
10/31/08 & 11/01/08 8:00PM

*Halloween
Special*

Never Before
Seen Quite This Way:

The
Unauthorized Biography of Woody Woodman

with Woody
Woodman & IgorFinger

"WW
& IF have never been bitter---uh, better!

IF utters words like 'portmanteau,''amanuensis,' and 'factotum.'WW cannot abide that language, but
likes the way those words look when spoken by passing fish.He has always agreed that some things
should be considered."

"---best
with chips"

--Woody--

***

Friday
11/7/088:00 PM

Special
One Night Event:

Greg
Goodman (piano parts) & John Gruntfest (refingered saxophone)

The
Greatest Exhibition & Demonstration of

John
Gruntfest: Drawings & Paintings

"Years
ago, when these two scientists decoded the wave of waves, the entire animal
community was put on notice: tapes, documents, demonstrations, and unprepared
delivery systems were employed in the service of a basic need:music for the inmates at the pet
hospital. While still waiting for the Nobel Prize, there was never any doubt
about the cat's meow."

--Woody--

"John
Gruntfest ate his horn when he was very very young, and now he just plays
himself!"

--Woody--

GG: "I
want everyone to know that I will NOT accept a McArthur Genius Award should it
be offered.And I forbid my music
to be played for 50 years every other year."

***

Saturday
11/8/088:00 PM

Another
Fine Mess:

Greg Goodman,
objets d’interieur;

George
Cremaschi, contrabass & cantilevered chopsticks,

& Kjell
Nordeson, silent repercussions

"If
you see only one performance this entire year, you're pathetic.But come to this and everything else is gravy. If you don't like gravy, how about rennetless harmonic digestions?This is why Odysseus took the wax out
of his ears!"

--Woody--

***

Friday
11/14/08 & Saturday 11/15/08 8:00 PM

Two World
Premiers

Part 1: The
Two Bald Chicairanians: Taking A Bath

Roham
Shaikhani, Ali Dadgar, Targol Mesbah

"The wild western epic from the east of
what was once west of east."

--Woody--

Part 2: The
Last Story of The Moon

Hiromi Vardy
& Tim Perkis

"Tinker Bell took lessons from this woman!"

--Woody--

"Tim sits comfortably in a chair, in the
Ear of his ear, and amuses yourself."

--Woody--

***

Friday
11/21/08 & Saturday 11/22/088:00 PM

THE
COMMONISTS: Adjust The PeepHole!

Witold Wolfe,
IgorFinger, Vizor/Vizier

"This
Final Descent of The XXXth WoodTennial rips the toenails off the head of The
Entire Predicament; we do not shirk your responsibilities or compromise the
tweezers of our coattails: WE REVEAL EVERYTHING with a plum and clean up after
ourselves for this EASY TUTORIAL on Adjustment In The Age Of Peepholism; along with the proffered pamphlets, we
allow you to get out the door of practically everywhere!

Our
Principled Practitioners WW, IF, & VV, well known where they came from,
prefer to remain for dinner."

--Woody--

***

TICKETS: HOW TO GET IN THE PALACE

OK, for
those who wish to attend one or more performance in this series, we offer the
following advice:

With the
exception of the first offering on Sunday, 10/12/08, which is free, all
other performances use the formula:

E=2x (H W)

Y

E=entry, H=hour, W=wage, Y=your

which is
not quite equationally correct, but what the hell. For those who hated their
math teacher, the admission charge is twice what you make in one hour whenever
you are working.

There
are NO RESERVED seats, UNLESS you purchase in advance a Seasoned
Ticket, which is any
four (4) or more
performances of the WoodTennial.In that case, you choose at least four different nights, pay your way,
and you will have reserved first come seats. For this service, please call The
FingerLine, at: 510-528-1023, or better, write TheFinger on the Hairnet in a bright colour below
(English spelling).

If you don't get a call back soon, your message was either garbled or
just eaten.Try again.

If you are
purchasing a simple single event ticket, you merely pay tribute (see above formula) at the door.

We will
accept checks, but if they bounce, please be very assured you will be fed to
whatever is swimming in the moat, which is filled with things too large to
swim. Or, if pressed for time, we will throw you into the garbage.

How to
materially get in The Palace, once you have a ticket, is hinted at below.

***

WHERE WE ARE, OR AREN'T

Woody
Woodman's Finger Palace is located at 903 Cedar
Street, in Berkeley.We are a few
blocks from the freeway, with best exits either University Avenue or Gilman
Avenue. We are actually way too close to the freeway and wish they would move
it.

Our Fingers
recline between 7th & 8th, closer to 7th,
on the north side of the street.Look for a very large redwood fence, much like a Palace should have.

There is a
waiting plaza after you come in the gate, and that is where you will be
inspected and modified.Try and
show some dignity.

The Finger
Box Office opens at 7:15 PM

Then the
doors open at 7:45 PM; there will be a draft.

When it is
raining, you will have to dry yourself with towelettes BEFORE coming in; yours.

If any of
this is too confusing, please do not call us; after all, we wrote the above.

***

We invite
you also to visit: TheBeakDoctor.comfor other amusements and
instruction.There are additional
Finger Relics strewn about and evidence of grave and great disasters!

Because of
the Complete Collapse of The Entire System of free enterprise and way of life
as we have known it for these last years, we would like to direct you to either
a different solar system OR a review of what we have aforementioned:Into The Maelstrom.The Finger Palace is possibly the ONLY
safe place to put your money or your ass.THIS advice is free.