In sports, everyone is a winner—some people just win better than others. Like athletes who are suddenly going to get a lot more attention now that football season is drawing to a close. You've heard of "sports," right?

It's the stuff that happens during the offseason. Look ... tennis! Figure skating! Bas-ket-ball? These are all activities that athletes who weigh less than 300 pounds can participate in. Fascinating stuff, but it would be cooler if I could also do it as a bonus level on Madden 2040 or something.

Sure, there's one more football game left, but that's like next month or something. Now we must fill our days with entertainment that is slightly less bonecrushing. Games that have judges and give out medals and where people are rarely taken off the field/court/ice/mountain/pool on golf carts. I know it's totally a snooze, but try to put up with it for the sake of the kids.