Hubby and I had a date night last night. Our recent dates haven’t gone too well and I tried to be specific in what I needed. On past dates he has neglected to tell Roller Girl that we had a date and then spent half the night talking to her. They had this rule for a bit where they’d talk only after 9 pm to control the NRE (which I hated because it totally ruined my sex life with them talking until 1030 or 11 and us unable to uh.. gain some steam). I asked him to change it and he just never did. Okay. So I asked for dates. They got messed up. Ok. I asked for more dates and got more specific. There.

Now he and roller girl are all in love and honestly it’s pretty amazing and wonderful. I really like her too, obviously, and she’s pretty amazing. I like that she gets how wonderful my hubby (usually is) and that he shares my appreciation of her too. I like more importantly that he can have this.

But. But I am struggling, just yesterday and now today with a bit of the green eyed monster. I feel a little replaced and again I feel that the entire world is deep in NRE. I asked him if we could concentrate on reconnecting a little and have an uninterrupted date. I was more specific. I asked for a “no media” night, to start at 7pm. We planned to work out, eat dinner and make love. Excellent.

I asked him to tell Roller Girl and he didn’t, but it came up while we talked and she was totally supportive and awesome about it. She said we didn’t need to call her later that night to say good night. Her sister is in town anyway. I told Hubby this and he immediately called her and talked for a bit, ending the call by promising to call or text her goodnight. Grrr.

It was pretty great date overall and we did talk and connect. We never made it to the gym because after talking in bed we got to business and when that was done it was like 830 and we were starving. We went to sushi and had a great talk. I busted him on the way back checking his facebook because he commented on Roller Girl’s posts. I gently reminded him that we are on a date and I wanted his attention. He said “what.. I’m not texting her. I’m just checking my Facebook”. I told him I thought that was cheating and that I wanted his attention tonight. He begrudgingly put away his phone. He had to bring it with him for work calls, but dammit.

Seriously.. your phone again?!!

We got home and watched a little firefly and he of course again checked his Facebook. I got tired quickly and asked him to come to bed. He said he needed a minute and was down there on his phone again. While I was getting ready for bed and trying to talk to him he came and got into bed, again with his goddamned phone. I assumed he was texting Roller Girl and he swore he wasn’t.

This morning I woke up a little on the wrong side of the bed, thinking again how last night had been nice except for the fact that my husband can’t go more than an hour without some kind of contact (phone/text/pic/facebook) with Roller Girl and how really it still made me feel replaced that I couldn’t get one night of his attention… that he HAD to keep checking her Facebook and such. I remembered how he’d been on his phone while we were getting into bed and how I’d told him it really chaps my ass that Roller Girl is the first thing on his mind every morning and the last thing on his mind every night, and that I’d wanted one night of his undivided attention and still hadn’t really gotten it, even though he’d agreed to give it.

I was wrong I know.. but I checked his phone. Sure enough he’d texted her good night from our bed. In his defense I had been wrong about the time. He’d waited until I was asleep and then texted her, but still. He really can’t go ONE NIGHT?!?!?

I don’t blame Roller Girl, or even really him in a way. I know it’s just that they are excited and it’s all new and giddy and such. I remember our own days of poems and sweet nothings and talking hours a day. It’s not like we don’t talk now or that he ignores me or even that I’m super unhappy with the love he gives me now. I’m not. I just… I miss the days when I was the girl of poems and dreams and first thing every morning and last thing every night. I wanted one night of that for myself and I asked for it as clear as I could and he agreed to it and just couldn’t do it.

Sigh. It’s not a major thing really, and he’s not the first guy to have NRE or to be giddy to be falling in love with a great girl. i’m not the first wife to be miffed at her place in the face of NRE. I’m happy he’s happy, but I really wish he could be less of an asshole about it. When I laid into him about it this morning (ill advised but I was tired and sore and acted badly) he just got mad and changed the password on his phone. Awesome.

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3 Comments

Hrrrm. Complicated.

First of all: don’t check his phone. It’s a no-no. I know you know this, but still, that’s a pretty big deal. He was right to get mad about this and change his password. If he doesn’t want to tell you something, you either have to respect his privacy or bring it up openly. Again, I know you know this, but you gotta realize that things like that can be a Very Big Deal — they are trust destroyers, in both directions.

Second: he’s acting a bit like an ass. Now, I know your husband, and I like him and respect him (from what I know, it’s not like we’re bestest buds ;)) but he needs to remember that no matter how hard he’s crushing, he’s still got a responsibility to put you first. Full stop. I got into a similar situation with my primary shortly after we opened up (this was in the NRE period with The Ex), and it almost ended us. If he can’t — or worse, won’t — listen to your feelings, your fears, your concerns, and put *you first* even for just an evening, that’s not good, and it definitely warrants A Talk. The reason is that this kind of stuff can geminate resentment, disrespect, and worse.

I know the addiction of the Facebook/IM/etc. It can be really, really hard to feel disconnected from the object of your affections for even a minute, but your husband needs to understand that you come first, that you are in many ways the REASON he can have a relationship with Roller Girl, and that if he isn’t careful to tend to the relationship with you, he might lose everything.

Again — I know you know all this. But sometimes it’s important to have someone else say things out loud. So: this is big stuff. Don’t just sweep it under the rug with a self-deprecating laugh; it’s not just jealousy… he’s *not treating you right*, and that’s a red flag. It’s time to have a talk, time to put the phones away in the other room for a few hours, and talk about what’s going on. I would wait until he’s not as angry about you snooping on him, of course — you did drop the ball there — but still, don’t put it off. This is big stuff.

He called after I arrived at work and apologized for being a butt. He said he understood I’d asked for his full attention for a night and that he’d agreed but not done a great job of giving it and said he’d like to have media free date nights from time to time too.
I also apologized for snooping and admitted I should have just asked him. It was a good talk and hopefully it’ll help in the future.