I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in ….

I asked the trainer standing next to me, “What machine should I use to impress that young lady over there?”

The trainer looked me over and said, “I would recommend the cash machine in the lobby.”

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Short men in trouble: “Vertically challenged men get the short end of the stick when it comes to marriage – according to research which shows husbands overwhelmingly tend to be taller than their wives. Information on thousands of British couples revealed, not surprisingly, that in the vast majority – 92.5 per cent – the man was taller. Women had the edge in only 4 per cent of the couples investigated and couples of equal height were even rarer, making up the remaining 3.5 per cent. British and Dutch researchers used data on more than 12,000 families from around the UK to look at height differences. The average height of the women studied was 5ft 4.5in, while the average man reached 5ft 10in – making him 5.5in taller than the woman in his life. However, it seems that women don’t like their men to be too tall. In just around one in seven cases was the man 10in or more taller than the woman. And very tall men tended to settle down with short women.”

Costa Concordia captain: I will sail again: “The former captain of the Costa Concordia is convinced he can one day return to the helm of a cruise ship, despite being under investigation for abandoning ship and causing the deaths of 32 people. Captain Francesco Schettino was asked on Wednesday whether he still harboured hopes of returning to sea and replied “Yes, certainly”. He was responding to journalists’ questions as he entered a court near Naples, where he is fighting his dismissal by Costa Cruises, the Italian company that owns the Concordia. He wants his job back, despite being blamed for the disaster that unfolded on the night of Jan 13 last year. He has also demanded back pay which he says is owed to him since being dismissed by the cruise ship company last July. Capt Schettino was in charge of the cruise liner, which is twice the size of the Titanic, when it smashed into rocks off the Tuscan island of Giglio, forcing the chaotic night-time evacuation of 4,200 passengers and crew from dozens of nationalities.”

Wind turbine that couldn’t handle wind: “A controversial 80ft wind turbine has collapsed after being hit by heavy winds. The £250,000 tower, which stood as tall as a six storey building, was hit by gale force gusts of 50mph. The structure then collapsed at a farm in Bradworth, Devon, leaving a “mangled wreck”. Margaret Coles, Chairwoman of Bradworthy District Council, said hail storms and strong winds have hit the area and the turbine, installed just three years ago, simply could not withstand the wind. “The bolts on the base could not withstand the wind and as we are a very windy part of the country they [the energy company] have egg on their face,” she said. “There are concerns about safety.” The Bradworthy Parish Council, who opposed the turbine, expressed concern that there was “nothing exceptional” in the speed of the winds. Installed by renewable energy company Dulas it was supposed to have a life expectancy of 25 years. It was erected in July 2010 despite fierce opposition from local residents, who said it would be a noise and visual nuisance.”

Pongy frogs: “A French family were ordered to leave one of Paris’s most popular museums [above] because their body odour was annoying other visitors. The couple and a young child were on a free trip to the Musee d’Orsay with a charity that supports hard-up families. As the group browsed a room with paintings by Van Gogh, security guards told them they had to leave the building because people were “complaining about their smell”. The worker with the Act for Dignity charity said: “I argued with the security man, telling him the family were all decent and properly dressed. “We moved on to another room, but we were again met by four museum guards who ordered us out of the building.” The director of the museum told the French media he was “saddened” by the treatment of the family.”

Baby perfume? “What do you get for the baby who has everything, from the Bugaboo Donkey pram (about £900) to the Christian Dior dummy holder (£69.95) to the Fendi bottle (£119 – but it does at least come with a holder, too)? You buy it perfume, of course, because as we all know any self-respecting newborn worth its Ralph Lauren Ruffle Bum Playsuit (£45) isn’t even going to contemplate turning up at the next NCT meeting unless it has been sprayed with eau de bébé. And recognising that scent for babies is a gap in the market – it is, if you will, what the little cherubs have been crying out for all these years – Dolce & Gabbana have decided to launch a unisex perfume for the newborn in your life. Stefano Gabbana said: “That familiar smell associated with babies will only be accentuated by this fragrance.” It will contain notes of citrus, melon and honey, all famously evocative of newborns, and will “pamper every little boy and girl”. The scent, which is alcohol-free, has been inspired by the “softness of baby skin” and the “freshness of baby breath”.”

Saudi vice police order shops who employ men and women to put up segregation walls to keep them apart: “Shops in Saudi Arabia have been ordered to put up walls to separate their male and female employees in accordance with the country’s strict vice laws. The barriers need to be at least 5ft 3in high and will keep staff from seeing and communicating with workers of the opposite sex. This follows Saudi Arabia’s strict interpretation of Islam which prohibits men and women who are not immediate relatives from socialising. The news comes only days after the religious police, known as the Mutawa, said there would be no punishment for men who frequent shopping malls and public spaces in their underwear. The new and controversial trend among young men is to go out in public wearing only undershirts and trousers, normally worn underneath the traditional robes. Equality has been a slow process in Saudi Arabia, where women are still not allowed to drive a car, must use separate entrances at banks and offices, and follow strict dress codes.”

Old-fashioned couples have more sex: “Researchers claim that couples who stick to traditional gender roles in the home make love 20 times more per year. They found that on average couples have sex five times a month. But partnerships where the wife does all the household tasks reported having sex 1.6 times more per month on average than those where the husband does all the stereotypical female chores. Previous research found husbands got more bedroom time if they helped around the home, suggesting that sex was in exchange for housework. But those studies did not factor in what types of chores the men were doing. ‘Couples in which men participate more in housework typically done by women report having sex less frequently,’ said the study’s lead author Dr Sabino Kornrich, of the Juan March Institute in Madrid. ‘Similarly, couples in which men participate more in traditionally masculine tasks – such as DIY and car maintenance – report higher sexual frequency.”

British banks charge 53,000,000% for overdrafts: “A Money Mail investigation has revealed how sky-high overdraft charges that are equivalent to an annual interest rate of 53 million per cent are pushing cash-strapped borrowers into the arms of payday lenders. Bank customers who run out of cash and are forced into the red must pay three times more for borrowing £200 for ten days in a current account than if they had taken a payday loan. The baffling and expensive charges are forcing many to use alternative lenders — whose up-front fees appear to be clearer and cheaper — but their tactics have been heavily criticised by MPs. Last week, a report by the Office Of Fair Trading (OFT) revealed how banks are squeezing nearly £2 billion a year from customers who use unauthorised overdrafts. ‘The huge overdraft fees charged by banks mean they are pushing customers out of the frying pan and into the fire of payday lending firms,’ says Laura Willoughby, chief executive of campaign group Move Your Money.”

Tenant landed with £33,000 water bill: “A tenant received a £33,000 water bill after a leak from pipes at his rented home pumped out more than 20 million litres of water. Ryan Bishop, 29, was told that so much water had escaped the system at his home in Peacehaven, East Sussex, that it could have filled six swimming pools. Despite previously warning his landlord and house developer about the leak, he has been ordered to pay the huge sum. He claims he contacted Bovis Homes, the developers of the new-build, along with his landlord in June 2012 to report the leaks. He said: ‘When I told them about it Bovis Homes said it was not their responsibility, even though they built the home and it had a two-year guarantee. I got in touch with Premier Lets and Sales who I rent with and told them the landlord had to sort it out. I just assumed everything would be ok.’

British tourist who survives 22ft fall off balcony in Thailand flies home with a quarter of his SKULL in his hand luggage: “A British tourist who miraculously survived a 22ft fall onto his head from a hotel balcony in Thailand flew home with his skull in his hand luggage. Lee Charie, 32, smashed the left side of his skull when he fell from the balcony on the island of Koh Tao in December last year. Hotel staff found Lee unconscious on the ground and he was rushed to a local clinic then a larger hospital on nearby island Koh Samui. Medics resuscitated the swimming pool maintenance worker after two days without any signs of life. But they were forced to remove a quarter of Lee’s smashed skull to give his brain space to recover. Lee was transferred back to Britain two weeks later after doctors handed him the missing chunk of his head in a box. Lee, an extra for The Only Way Is Essex, has now learned to walk again and is starting to speak again despite the severe injury to his head.”

New super-sharp spy drone: “An airborne surveillance camera gives the U.S. military the ability to track movements in an entire city like a real-time Google Street View. The ARGUS-IS array can be mounted on unmanned drones to capture an area of 15 sq/miles in an incredible 1,800MP – that’s 225 times more sensitive than an iPhone camera. From 17,500ft the remarkable surveillance system can capture objects as small as 6in on the ground and allows commanders to track movements across an entire battlefield in real time. Like the Titan of myth, the Pentagon’s ARGUS-IS (a backronym standing for Autonomous Real-time Ground Ubiquitous Surveillance-Imaging System) works by stringing together an array of 368 digital camera imaging chips. An airborne processor combines the video from these chips to create a single ultra-high definition mosaic video image which updates at up to 15 frames a second.”

Ambitious Wal Mart thief: “Nicole Golden allegedly tried to wheel out a shopping cart filled with nearly 100 stolen items worth $1,194 from a Walmart in Athens, Georgia, on Tuesday night. The shopping cart contained 56 articles of clothing, 25 various household goods, two cell phones and a child car seat, according to an Athens-Clarke police report. A Walmart loss prevention officer said that someone alerted him to a woman who was stuffing merchandise into “totes,” large plastic containers with lids. The loss prevention officer watched Golden as she placed items in and around the totes that were in her shopping cart. Golden pushed the cart toward an exit, where there was some construction, and asked for permission to pass through the area. That’s when the loss prevention officer confronted Golden, who tried to get away by climbing a fence at the construction site, but the security employee prevented Golden’s escape and called police. Golden was released from the Clarke County Jail Wednesday afternoon after posting a $2,500 bond.” [She looks like she is on meth]

Nazi rug still warming German tootsies: “German Chancellor Angela Merkel is this week faced with the tricky question of what to do with her office rug after it was discovered to be part of a collection of treasures looted by Hitler’s deputy Hermann Goering. The rug was discovered by journalists writing for news magazine Der Spiegel about Nazi items that should have been returned to their owners but are still scattered about government guest houses, offices and museums. Mrs Merkel is said to be furious with her aides at the embarrassing revelation, coming as it does months before her third bid for power in the general election and with the opposition snapping at her heels. The carpet is described as Persian and comes from Arak. The ‘Collection Goering’ as the Reichmarshall’s loot was known, encompassed paintings, tapestries, jewellery, hunting ornaments, altarpieces – and rugs. It is understood the rug will be removed from view by the end of the week.”

James Bond car defeated by small flood: “The driver of this £300,000 James Bond-style Aston Martin DB5 was left red-faced today after getting stuck in flooded water in Oxfordshire. It is believed he ignored signs which warned that the road underneath the bridge between Woolstone and Longcot was flooded with up to two feet in water. The car was famously used as Bond’s gadget-filled car – including an ejector seat – in the 007 film Dr No. However, this silver-grey immaculately restored 1964 model ran into trouble in Brize Norton, Oxfordshire. Only 1,023 Aston Martin DB5’s were made and this one had been for sale in 2010 and proudly displayed in London’s Westfield shopping centre. The car had undergone a complete restoration and was in mint condition.

Weaker sex getting weaker: “Can you whisk eggs without your arms aching, or push a car that’s broken down? Your grandmother might have been able to do this, but chances are you can’t. For new evidence suggests humans are getting weaker — today’s generation simply don’t have the same muscle power as their parents. And it’s women who are affected most. ‘In Western countries such as the UK, U.S. and Canada, muscular strength has hit a plateau and muscular endurance — the ability to repeatedly exert force, such as doing sit-ups — has declined by 8 to 10 per cent since the Eighties,’ says Dr Grant Tomkinson, senior lecturer in health sciences at the University of South Australia, a leading researcher on trends in fitness over time. ‘I’m seeing a massive epidemic of weak women who have no muscle strength,’ says London-based physiotherapist Sammy Margo. ‘There are skinny women who have no muscles supporting their spine, and overweight ladies who don’t have any muscles under the fat.’”

Dear Elle: An advice columnist at the magazine received a letter from a woman who believes that her husband is trying to poison her: “The writer goes on to say that she has significant assets and a good job, whereas her husband does not work and that he’s had ‘plenty of chances’ to kill her. She then tells Ms Caroll that her response to the suspected poisoning has been to do a little detective work on her husband – by installing a hidden camera in their bathroom. However it appears her husband had found the device – and deleted her evidence. The veracity of the letter – which is dated January 4 – is uncertain but nevertheless, veteran advice columnist E. Jean Carroll gets straight to the point in her response: ‘ Your marriage is finished.’ She then recommends that the woman sort out her financial affairs and go to a divorce attorney as soon as possible.”

Dog show to lift its ban on hairspray and other ‘performance-enhancing’ products: “Crufts is changing its rules to allow dogs to be treated with ‘performance-enhancing’ items, such as hairspray. The break with tradition at the competition means that owners may use chalk to enhance the appearance of breeds which have white fur. Poodle hair can at last legitimately be tamed with hairspray. The move comes after furious owners said banning the products would be like ‘Miss World being made to go on without her make-up’. The new rules, which break almost 100 years of tradition, mean owners of breeds with white fur will be able to use chalk to clean their pets before the competition and poodle owners can use hairspray to tame their animals’ long hair. The decision to change the Crufts code of practice comes after a farcical row at last year’s show, when dogs were for the first time randomly selected to be tested for banned products, like in athletics. To check for cheats, hairs were removed from the dogs selected and sent to a forensics laboratory. The Kennel Club eventually agreed to suspend tests and promised to look at the aggrieved competitors’ arguments.

Chinese fisherman builds amphibious landing craft using a boat and motorbike: “Transferring his catch from his fishing vessel to market must have been getting a little tiresome for Chen Guohong. For the Chinese fisherman has now built his very own amphibious landing craft so he can drive straight out of the water and down the street to sell his goods. The 43-year-old made the vehicle by encasing a motorbike within the hull of a boat. Measuring 4.5m long, 1.6m wide and weighing 750kg, it is able to navigate the waterways and dry land with ease. On the road, it can reach speeds of 70km/h, while in the water it can do four nautical miles per hour. Mr Chen has been working as a fisherman since he was 13 years old, but he also loves inventing.

Alcoholism vaccine will give drinkers an immediate hangover if they drink even a small amount of booze: “A vaccine being developed in Chile will give anyone who drinks alcohol and immediate hangover. A new vaccine will give anyone who drinks even a small amount of alcohol an immediate and very heavy hangover. The vaccine, which would be effective for between six months and a year, works by sending a biochemical message to the liver telling it not to express genes that metabolise alcohol. If someone who’s been vaccinated tries to drink alcohol, they will immediately experience severe nausea, accelerated heartbeat, and general discomfort. Once the vaccine has been administered it cannot be reversed.”

Police take FIVE DAYS to realize man escaped jail … for the second time this year: “Rocky Marquez, 34, slipped out of the jail on January 20, but it took guards and police five days to realize he was gone. Amazingly, it is the second time he has escaped prison this year. Authorities are now on the hunt for Marquez, who they say escaped from the Wayne County Jail by impersonating another inmate set for release. He is considered armed and dangerous. Authorities say this is the second time Marquez has got out of jail by pretending to be someone else — in May, he escaped a Phoenix, Arizona jail by impersonating another inmate. The U.S. Marshall tracked him down in the city’s west side earlier this month. Officials say Marquez had a loaded AK-47 near him when he was arrested. He was being held at the Wayne County Jail awaiting extradition back to Phoenix when he escaped again on Sunday.”

Africa in America: “A Chicago mother lost her fourth child to gun violence Saturday night in a Chicago shooting. Ronnie Chambers, who was his mother Shirley’s youngest child, was shot in the head while sitting in a parked car on the city’s West Side. A 21-year-old man who was also in the car was wounded, police said. Shirley Chambers, whose two other sons and daughter were shot in separate attacks more than a decade ago, was left grieving again on Saturday, WLS-TV reported. ‘Right now, I’m totally lost because Ronnie was my only surviving son,’ Chambers said. Shirley Chambers’ first child, Carlos, was shot and killed by a high school classmate in 1995 after an argument. He was 18. Her daughter Latoya, then 15, and her other son Jerome were shot and killed within months of one another in 2000.”

Champion drunk driver: “At 9.30pm a truck towing a trailer with a tractor on board had attempted a 3-point turn on Steere Street in Bridgetown when it jack-knifed, separating the two. Unaware, the driver drove off in the truck and turned onto Hampton Street. In the mean time the trailer, with tractor on board, rolled down a hill, crossed through a four-way intersection before crashing into a parked car. While officers from Bridgetown Police were at the scene attending to the trailer and tractor they spotted the truck heading back towards the scene. The truck came to a stop 500m down the road and the driver, a 28-year-old man from Beaconsfield, was taken into custody. He was released about 10.15pm, but it was not the last police would see of him. Almost two hours later Australind police were on patrol in Bunbury when they saw a white Holden Colorado utility heading east on Sandridge Road at 12.45am. One of the rear wheels was missing the rubber and the rim was grinding on the road causing a large amount of sparks. After stopping the vehicle, police allegedly found the same man driving. Back-tracking the vehicle, police followed the gouge marks in the road for 8km and found the utility had crossed to the wrong side of the road a number of times, including through intersections, and gone the wrong way through a roundabout.”

A pig that wants to be a dog: “MEET Miss Pig, a former runt-turned-plump swine whose owners say thinks she’s a canine. Tricia James found the three-week-old piglet “yelping like a dog” at the back veranda of her farmhouse in Hornsdale, near Jamestown, in the Mid North, in November. “It was quite strange, we found her at the back door like you would a dog, the pig sty is about 200m away,” Mrs James said. “She eats with the dogs, hops into bed with them and makes all sorts of noises that are more like a dog. If I call her name, she comes running, again like a dog. “She was the runt of her litter and just refuses to go back to the pig sty. It’s the first pig we’ve had behave like this.”

Pole built a raft from twigs and crossed shark infested waters in journey to Australia during cyclone: “A suspected asylum-seeker tried to sail from Papua New Guinea to Australia on a flimsy raft made from twigs held together by string. A cyclone had passed over the area shortly before the mystery man, who is believed to be Polish and in his 20s, attempted to navigate his way across the shark infested waters of the Torres Strait on his hastily assembled raft. It is thought he may have been planning to claim asylum when he reached his destination, but he only made it as far as Saibai Island, a few miles off the coast of Papua New Guinea, where he was eventually discovered in a mangrove swamp. Residents on the island, which lies in Australian territorial waters, caught sight of the man – believed to be named Vazlavand – and alerted authorities, prompting a search for the sailor. Mr Vazlavand is now in a detention centre on Thursday Island according to The Independent, where he will be interviewed by Australian immigration authorities. The man, who had no possessions on board his raft, appears to be in good health.”

French say ‘non’ to the term hashtag: “The French Government has banned the Twitter term ‘hashtag’ from all official documents in their latest bid to ban a torrent of English words invading their language. The Government’s powerful Académie française has decreed that the French word ‘mot-dièse’ must be spoken when the ‘#’ symbol appears in print. Teachers have been told to urge schoolchildren to use the term, and the media has also been asked to avoid using the English word. The outlawing of ‘hashtag’ is the latest in a flood of orders from the Académie, the state body appointed to protect the French language. But critics swiftly pointed out that the two words are technically different, with the English hashtag symbol leaning to the right and denoting an abbreviation for ‘number’, equivalent to ‘no.’, while the ‘dièse’ – the French term for the ‘sharp’ sign used in music – is vertical.”

Need a sleep at the airport? Try a ‘Napcab’: “Munich Airport has more “sleeping cabins” at its international departures gate. The airconditioned “Napcabs” have adjustable lighting and wi-fi, a bed (80 centimetres by 200 centimetres), work desk (65 centimetres by 50 centimetres), and iPhone dock and charge station. A media touchscreen plays music and shows flight information. Cabins fit hand luggage and are lockable, and can be booked for up to 12 hours. Each one costs €10 ($12.65) an hour (10pm-6am) or €15 an hour (6am-10pm).”

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep shit now!”

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

“Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ……

“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”

Moral of this story… Don’t mess with the old dogs… Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Over 3,000 compounds and seven species of bacteria found in HAILSTONES: “At first glance they may look like they have fallen from the sky in a clean and perfect form – but hailstones and clouds are actually filled with bacteria and over 3,000 chemical compounds, scientists revealed today. The Danish researchers analyzed hailstones recovered after a storm in May 2009 and found that they carried several species of bacteria typically found on plants and almost 3000 different compounds usually found in soil. However, the researchers say the hailstones had very few soil-associated bacteria or chemicals that would usually occur in plants. Three of the bacterial species discovered were found in most of the hailstones studied, and may represent ‘typical’ cloud inhabitants”

Scientist given grant to further develop melt-proof chocolate biscuit: “THEY put a man on the moon, made countless advances in medicine and now scientists have been issued a new challenge – the melt-proof choccie biscuit. In what could be seen as a nod to science’s predictions of dramatically rising temperatures, UK Science Minister David Willetts praised the heat resistant biscuit as he announced the recipients of £600million of science and technology funding. Mr Willetts praised the scientist who has used advances in computing to “model the processes that keep chocolate attached to a Hobnob”. Cadbury, which is owned by US company Kraft, has already developed Dairy Milk bars that it claims remain solid even when left in 40C heat for three hours with the bars tipped to be exported to countries such as China, India and Brazil. But while it’s good for sales and shelf life, it will end that indulgence of dunking your biscuit in a hot cup of tea to melt the chocolate just that little bit.”

Delivery driver, 43, fired after faulty camera recorded him speeding at 103mph when he was travelling at just 34mph: “A delivery driver who was wrongly recorded speeding at 103 mph has been sacked despite the police apologising for the blunder and his van being unable to go above 70 mph. Paul Kellerman, 43, was dismissed after his firm received a prosecution notice stating he was caught speeding in a 40 mph zone, when he had actually been travelling at just 34 mph. He was on his way to deliver electrical goods to Stevenage, Hertfordshire, when he noticed a speed camera flash as he drove along the Hatfield Road in St Albans. ‘I was gutted but I knew I was well under the limit. It’s a high street, you can’t do 103 mph and I wouldn’t do that anyway.’ His van even had a speed limiter on it, meaning it cannot go above 70 mph. Mr Kellerman contacted the police to complain and officers admitted their mistake. The unit manager even telephoned Mr Kellerman’s boss but his job had already been filled.”

Prize bull put on death row for chasing off every vet who tries to give him a health check: “Clarence, a beautiful prize bull, is the main attraction at the Greenland Grove Animal Sanctuary. But now the 110st [1540lb] animal faces a grisly fate – because he will not let a vet come near enough to give him a medical examination. Officials have told the sanctuary’s owner that Clarence will have to be put down if he cannot be tested for tuberculosis. And it turns out that the moody animal has zero tolerance for men in white coats trying to examine him. Carol Jacobs, owner of the cash-strapped sanctuary, must now find the funds either to tranquillise him or to put him in a cattle crush so a vet can approach him. If she cannot do either within four weeks, Clarence will be destroyed.”

Family discover missing pet tortoise in locked store room THIRTY YEARS after she vanished… and she’s still alive: “A family found their missing pet tortoise in a store room more than 30 years after they lost her, it was reported today. Manuela disappeared from her home in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, in 1982 and despite a lengthy search was never seen again. It was only after their father Leonel died earlier this month that the Almeida children began clearing out a second-floor room which he had filled with broken electrical items and always kept locked. Leonel’s son, Leandro, said he was astonished to find Manuela alive inside a box containing an old record player. Red-footed tortoises are popular pets in South America because they are relatively inexpensive and have interesting personalities. Rio de Janeiro vet Jeferson Pires explained that Manuela’s red-footed species of tortoise, can go for long periods without eating. He said Manuela may have survived by eating termites from the wooden floors.

A school inspector is sent to assess a Year 4 class in a local Allybammy School. He is introduced to the class by the teacher.

She says to the class, “Let’s show the inspector just how clever you are by allowing him to ask you a question”.

The inspector reasons that normally class starts with religious instruction, so he will ask a biblical question. He asks: “Class, who broke down the walls of Jericho?”

For a full minute there is absolute silence. Eventually, little Billy raises his hand.

Billy stands up and replies: “Sir, I do not know who broke down the walls of Jericho, but I can assure you it wasn’t me”.

Of course the inspector is shocked by the answer and the lack of knowledge of the famous bible story and he looks at the teacher for an explanation.

Realising that he is perturbed, the teacher says: “Well, I’ve known Billy since the start of the year, and I believe that if he says that he didn’t do it then he didn’t do it”.

The inspector is even more shocked at this and storms down to the principal’s office and tells him what happened, to which the principal replies: “I don’t know the boy, but I believe his teacher. If she feels that the boy is innocent, then he must be innocent”.

The inspector can’t believe what he is hearing. He grabs the phone on the principal’s desk and in a rage, dials the State Governor and rattles off the entire occurrence to him and asks her what he thinks of the education standard in the State.

The governor sighs heavily and replies: “I don’t know the boy, the teacher or the principal, and I’ve never heard of the school. Just get three quotes and have the !@#$% wall fixed!”

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

The ‘stupidest murderer in history’?: “The unnamed man, a cook for a top government official, bludgeoned his girlfriend, the neighbour’s maid, to death with a stone after she said she was pregnant and threatened to accuse him of rape – despite the fact that the pair had never had sex. The man, an Indian national, then put the body in a bathtub, filled it with water and proceeded to set the house on fire to cover his tracks. Although the villa burned down, the bathtub full of water was left unharmed, as was the girlfriend’s body, preserved in the water. The man was arrested for the 2010 murder after asking his employer to help him flee the country, who reported him to the police.”

Russian judge filmed nodding off mid-trial: “Yevgeny Makhno, a judge at Blagoveshchensk City Court in Russia’s Far East, can be seen nodding off and then sleeping soundly with his head slumped on his shoulder as a lawyer speaks in the background. In another video, the dishevelled-looking judge appears to be scrolling through a website or checking messages on his mobile phone. Vladislav Nikitenko, a rights activist who posted the videos online, said they were passed to him by relatives of the accused, Andrei Naletov, who was convicted of fraud last summer and sentenced to a five-year custodial sentence in a penal colony last summer.” [Video at link]

German soldiers grow tits: “A plastic surgeon has called for a change to the way a German battalion does its rifle drill after its elite soldiers started developing breasts. Dozens of soldiers in the Wachbataillon unit (Guard Battalion), which performs drill displays at official events, have complained about over-developed breasts on their left-hand side because of the way they clasp their rifles. It is understood the repeated slapping of their rifles against their chests has stimulated hormones, causing a condition known as one-sided gynecomastia. Professor Bjorn Krapohl, director of plastic surgery at the military hospital in Berlin, told the German Herald: ‘There is a very significant link between the activity in the Guard Battalion and the development of the breast on the left side. ‘They need to change the way they drill.”

Sealed garden: “To look at this flourishing mass of plant life you’d think David Latimer was a green-fingered genius. Truth be told, however, his bottle garden – now almost in its 53rd year – hasn’t taken up much of his time. In fact, on the last occasion he watered it Ted Heath was Prime Minister and Richard Nixon was in the White House. For the last 40 years it has been completely sealed from the outside world. But the indoor variety of spiderworts (or Tradescantia, to give the plant species its scientific Latin name) within has thrived, filling its globular bottle home with healthy foliage. Yesterday Mr Latimer, 80, said: ‘It’s 6ft from a window so gets a bit of sunlight. It grows towards the light so it gets turned round every so often so it grows evenly. The bottle garden has created its own miniature ecosystem. Despite being cut off from the outside world, because it is still absorbing light it can photosynthesise, the process by which plants convert sunlight into the energy they need to grow.”

Older mothers now the norm in Britain: “Nearly half of all babies are now born to women aged 30 or older. Infants will soon be more likely to have a mother over 35 than under 25. The eclipse of the young mother has happened because growing numbers of women are putting their education and career first, said the Office for National Statistics yesterday. It added that the cost of housing and child rearing is also working to persuade women to delay pregnancy. And for the first time it suggested that the decline of marriage and the increase in cohabitation has made it harder for women to have families. There are now more recent mothers over 30 than at anytime since records began before World War II. Analysing figures for 2011, the ONS found that nearly half of all births in England and Wales – 47.2 per cent – were outside marriage. Of 723,913 births, official returns published last year showed that nearly 30,000 involved mothers over 40, three times more than 20 years ago. In 1971, nearly half of all babies were born to women under 25.”

3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.

3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts

4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground…

5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

The infidelity phone: Why Japan’s love cheats are staying faithful to old cellphones: “Over the past few years, Japanese consumers have, as in markets the world over, abandoned their old phones for newer, shinier smartphones like the iPhone. But one particular demographic subset have remained faithful to their old flip phones – and, ironically, it’s Japan’s philanderers. Those who like to play away are snared in an enduring love affair with one particular series of Fujitsu mobiles which feature a range of privacy features to hide calls and texts. Fujitsu’s ageing F-Series flip phones – nicknamed the ‘uwaki keitai’ of ‘infidelity phone’ – are the mobiles of choice for customers who believe newer versions are not as discreet at hiding their affairs. They feature a nearly invisible ‘privacy mode’ that hides missed calls, emails and texts from any contacts that are designated as private.”

Gary the Goat cleared of vandalising flower bed: “A goat has been cleared by an Australian court of destroying a flower bed outside a Sydney museum. Gary, the flower-eating goat’s graze with the law ended after a judge ruled neither he nor his owner could be found guilty of vandalism of the incident in August. Police at the time levelled a fine of AUS$440 (£292) against owner Jim Dezarnaul, a comedian known as Jimbo Bazoobi. Magistrate Carolyn Barkell said the accused had been eating the flowers when police arrived, but said there was no evidence Gary was there with the intention of vandalising vegetation. The goat’s lawyer Paul McGirr said the police had issued the wrong penalty order, because it related to a person and not a goat. Owner Mr Dezarnaul said the case serves as a lesson to overzealous authorities. “Gary’s name has been cleared of all this slander,” he said. “He was simply eating and I want to thank everyone for coming down here. “Gary the goat taught the cops a valuable lesson today, don’t bite off more than you can chew.”

Fatal stupidity: “A YOUNG apprentice plumber was so absorbed tagging his name on a railway underpass that he failed to hear a train that struck and killed him, a coronial inquest has heard. Tre Toman, 18, was spraying his “Ontre” tag near Lewisham station with two friends on January 11 last year when he was “cut in half” by a city-bound train. It’s believed Mr Toman might not have heard the train coming and had been caught off guard as it passed through the short railway tunnel. Mr Calleija said he and his other friend had tagged the wall and passed through the underpass when a train came through, passing very close. Mr Calleija said he and his friend looked at each other, realising Mr Toman had been behind them and they started shouting out for him. “I saw him … in half.” Mr Calleija said he told his friend not to look and they ran back to his car and drove to a friend’s house, scared and not knowing what to do. He has vowed to never again go on to railway tracks. They were driven to a police station to report Mr Toman’s death.”

Dream home for cats: “A Japanese house building company has designed an apartment filled with features especially designed for favourite pets. It includes elevated platforms, tunnels, cat flaps in every door, steps to wooden beams and viewing areas which are dispersed around the property. Even the bathroom has a commode next to the cat’s litter box – although thankfully there is a partition in between. ‘Cat-proof’ surfaces have also been used throughout which are resistant to scratches and easy to clean. Designers at Asahi Kasei researched cat and human interaction before coming up with their cat home.”

Italian businessman taken to hospital from arcade after spending £19,000 on slot machines in 12 hours: “An Italian businessman who lost more than £19,000 after playing slot machines for 12 hours had to be sedated by paramedics after worried arcade staff called police. The man, who has not been named by police, turned violent after losing the huge amount of money and accused staff of fixing the machines he was playing. When police arrived at the arcade in Bergamo, northern Italy, they were unable to calm the man and were forced to call an ambulance was called to sedate him and remove him from the premises. Staff said he played casino style machines with a minimum 10 Euro (£8) bet for several hours and had racked up several wins before his luck started to turn and he began to lose.”

Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn’t drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No

Man: Where’s your f*cking Ferrari then?

..

..

THE NEWS

Odd news from around the world

Classical music can inspire you to exercise? “If you aren’t as fit as you’d like, despite regular visits to the gym, blame the music playing in the background. Studies suggest that music helps us get the most from exercise – but the fast-paced dance tunes favoured by gyms up and down the country isn’t necessarily the best. Instead, classical music may produce better results. The advice comes from neuroscientist Jack Lewis who scoured reports of research in the field to come up with a list of musically-themed advice for those who are trying to get fit. He said that while various studies show that music allows people to exercise slightly harder and slightly longer – classical music has added benefits. Dr Lewis, an independent consultant, said: ‘Energetic but not overly-fast classical music can be ideal in the gym. ‘Not only does upbeat music increase speed, strength and endurance, but the relaxing qualities of classical music appear to reduce heart rate, blood pressure and lower perceived exertion, at the same time. ‘In addition, relaxing music has been shown to lower levels of cortisol in the body, the hormone associated with stress.”

Getaway donkey that squealed: Gang forced to flee empty handed after animal started braying as they robbed store: “A gang who tried to burgle a convenience store was left empty-handed when its get-away donkey made too much noise and gave the game away. The trio of clueless Colombian criminals were forced to ditch their ill-gotten gains, during the 2am theft, after the animal started to bray and alerted police. Noticias Caracol reports that the group had managed to steal rum, oil, rice, cans of tuna and sardines from a small shop in the tiny north Caribbean town of Juan de Acosta. They planned to load the goods onto 10-year-old Xavi, who they had stolen some 12 hours before, and make their escape. But the animal let out a series of ‘hee-haws’, which pierce the night-time air, and unfortunately for the trio alerted nearby police. They had to ditch the donkey, which was still carrying the stolen items, and ran to safety away from the officers. The donkey was detained in the town police station for 12 hours until owner Orlando Olivares was notified and came to collect him. All the items that had been stolen were returned to the store.”

Shopping shirtless OK in Australia’s wild North: “WHEN it comes to topless shopping, it seems Darwin retailers don’t give a shirt. With the mercury floating around 32C and humidity hovering around 70 per cent, Top End blokes are opting for the shirtless look. But unlike retailers down south, Territory store owners don’t mind bare-chested buyers. “We’re pretty casual here. I say feel free to wear whatever you fancy,” Four Birds cafe owner Louisa Ainsworth said. Even supermarket giant Woolworths will let men in with their hairy nipples on display to grab some milk and bread. “We have people shop without a shirt; it isn’t an issue. “Only in liquor (do) people need to wear a shirt and shoes,” Nightcliff Woolworths store manager James Ephgrave said. Buying the NT News with your beer gut showing seems to be no problem either. Darwin Newsagency worker Dot Harrex said the store doesn’t have a problem with it “at all”. Long-time Top Ender Tim Modra said he enjoyed having his shirt off when the going gets hot.”

Amazing: Stricken dolphin who ‘asked’ Hawaii diver for help: “A dolphin tangled in fishing line sought help from a diver in the waters of Hawaii. The amazing encounter on January 11 was captured on video and the diver, Keller Laros, spent the better part of eight minutes tending to the needy mammal who readily accepted the help. Mr Laros was leading a group of snorkelers for a manta ray dive experience off the Big Island’s Kona International Airport when the dolphin squealed out, with the man telling the local media ‘there was no question this dolphin was there for help.’ The group were enjoying the aquatic sights when suddenly they heard a dolphin cry and the bottlenose dolphin swam in their direction. Mr Laros told KITV how he soon noticed that the dolphin’s movements were inhibited because it was entangled in fishing line and a hook was lodged in its pectoral fin. The mammal allowed the human to work to help the dolphin break free.”

It’s enough to drive you to drink: Women consume more alcohol after they get married: “Married life is enough to drive you to drink – if you are a woman, that is. Wives tend to consume more alcohol after they wed, while their husbands actually cut down, a study suggests. But men are more likely to hit the bottle after a divorce. Lead researcher Corinne Reczek, professor of sociology at the University of Cincinnati, said: ‘Stable marriage curbs men’s drinking yet is associated with a slightly higher level of alcohol use among women. ‘Our findings suggest that being married to a man who is more likely to drink creates a new social environment that may promote drinking among women.’ Men who cut back on drinking are more likely to have a happier marriage.”

Thieves try to steal copper from coppers: “Three men were arrested for allegedly attempting to steal copper pipes from a government-owned building that, at the time, was being used by the Guam Police Department to train its SWAT team. At 2 p.m. Wednesday, the suspects were dropped off at the building by a neighbor where they allegedly proceeded to break in through an unsecured entry point, according to court documents. Unbeknownst to them, the Guam Police Department SWAT team was conducting training in the building and the team was able to take note of the would-be thieves, court documents stated. The men allegedly attempted to flee, but were apprehended. Upon arrest, airport police officers found hacksaws, reciprocating saws, screwdrivers and bolt cutters, among other tools. Officers also found piles of copper piping in the basement of the building.”

Navy gets its GPS wrong too: “A digital chart used by the minesweeper Guardian to navigate Philippine waters misplaced the location of a reef by about eight nautical miles, and may have been a significant factor when the ship drove hard aground on the reef on Jan. 17. As of Jan. 18, Navy ships have been directed to “operate with caution” when using similar electronic charts and compare the map data with paper charts, which are considered accurate. The ship had been at Olongapo City in Subic Bay, and was en route to Indonesia when she struck the reef, according to the Navy. The Guardian is homeported at Sasebo, Japan. The mine countermeasures vessel, with a wooden hull sheathed in fiberglass, has been taking on water and moving on the reef, and 79 crew members were taken off the ship on Jan. 18″

Being in the army beats being a British royal! “Prince Harry flew out of Afghanistan on Monday night at the end of a four-month tour, during which he admitted killing insurgents while piloting his Apache helicopter and spoke in rare depth about the tensions and frustrations of being a royal who craved life out of the spotlight. A commander of the army’s most sophisticated attack helicopter, the prince said he had fired on the Taliban during operations to support ground troops and rescue injured Afghan and Nato personnel. Asked whether he felt more comfortable being Captain Wales than Prince Harry, his reply was one of the more revealing he has given about his relationship with Prince Charles: “Definitely. I’ve always been like that. My father’s always trying to remind me about who I am and stuff like that. But it’s very easy to forget about who I am when I am in the army. “Everyone’s wearing the same uniform and doing the same kind of thing. I get on well with the lads and I enjoy my job. It really is as simple as that.”

Two violent robbers who won’t rob again: “They were tried through YouTube and hanged by remote control as hundreds captured their agonising last moments on mobile phones. The pair, executed for robbery, were paraded before a baying crowd of 300 in a public park at the centre of the Iranian capital, Tehran. Amid the howls of grief and rage, a judge recounted their crime and delivered the verdict, that they would be hanged for ‘waging war against God.’ Moments later nooses were looped around their necks as a group of women at the front of the crowd begged their captors for forgiveness. Their pleas fell on deaf ears. As the sun came up on Sunday morning, the executioners pressed the buttons to trigger their deaths. Mafiha, aged 23, and Sarvari, 20, were raised up by two extending cranes to a height of around 15 feet. They were dead within seconds. The pair had been arrested after posting a video on YouTube in December showing them attacking a man with a machete on a Tehran street. It showed four masked men on motorbikes approaching their victim before assaulting him with a machete and taking his bag and jacket.”

Two cats in one: “It is easy to see why Puffy’s owner couldn’t help herself when walking past the abandoned cat in the street – who could forget a face like this? The three-year-old orphan cat has an unusual colouring which sees her face perfectly split in two halves – one black and one ginger. Puffy was found on the street and adopted by her owner who fell in love with her unique look. Although she is akin to Batman baddie Harvey Dent a.k.a.Two-face, in looks, she does not mind some loving attention – although she can quickly turn the other cheek when someone ruffles her fur.”