If you don’t use Facebook and you don’t think that I’m funny, then move along folks, there’s nothing to see here.

If you are a Facebook user, you probably fall into one of four categories:

1. You think quizzes are cool and you take every one that comes along.
2. You don’t care much about quizzes, but they don’t bother you. You might do one if it seems fun.
3. You dislike quizzes, do not take them on principle, and would dearly love to never see one again.
4. You despise them with a furious passion and have discovered how to heartlessly bludgeon them into submission. (That’s me!) *

First, a little background on Facebook quizzes. This is the goon who started the plague – patient zero – Thaddius Fuddsucker. You may notice the striking resemblance to Alfred E. Neuman. They are distant cousins. Thad started writing Facebook quizzes after his hospital recuperation from injuries sustained in a bar fight. He went back to his trailer and cried on the lap of his thirteen year-old bride until he had the inspiration to write the first and most famous of the Facebook quizzes, What Kind of BadA** Are You? (Note my clever use of ** to obscure the word a**.) The rest is history, folks.

Note that Thad is a little squinty from brain damage and his left ear is a prosthetic.

My first and only foray into the underbelly of Facebook was when I took the quintessential What Kind of BadA** Are You? quiz myself. I was delighted to find that I was Barrack Obama! I decided never to do another quiz, since the outcome could never be as good.

So, now we know that type of people who produce these scatological tidbits, but who consumes them? Huh?

Well, I did a scientific survey of all of humankind to determine those who are most likely to succumb to the temptation to narcissistically force down other peoples’ throats information such as, what colour am I, what kind of underwear would I be, or if I were a root vegetable, what variety would I be? This turns out to be the grade between morons and idiots, commonly known as imbeciles:

This is, of course, right up my alley, so to speak. I come from a long line of inbred trailer-trash. Two of my close family, in fact, are feeble minded imbeciles and take Facebook quizzes at every opportunity. I’ve pointed them out here in a candid snap taken after a recent drunken brawl following a family discussion of the implications of the correlation between phases of the moon and the number of containers that fall off of ships. We’re going to have to choose our topics with more prudence. That one generated a lot of heat:

As you can see, we are all a little agitated. There was still a lot of hooting going on.

I know that someone is going to ask, so I’m the one behind my sister, Agnes, staring fixedly at a horse fly which landed on the lampshade. Honestly, it was the most beautiful thing that I ever laid eyes upon.

While we’re at it, I’d like to congratulate Uncle Fred on his recent diploma in Applied Sewerage Science from the Indianapolis Junior Technical Institution for The Twelve Fingered.

Now, of course, I can’t let this go before I tell you the quizzes that I would like to see. I don’t want to take them, I just want to see how many fuzzy numbskulls out there do.

(1) If you were a pair 501 jeans, how many buttons would you have on your fly?

(2) If Genghis Khan called you a sissy boo-boo nuggi-nuggi, who would you tell him to go and make love to?

(3) If you were a pair of pliers, what would you want to squeeze most?

(4) If your pyjamas were on fire, who would you most like to put them out?

(5) If you were a heartless dictator with the blood of millions on your hands, which one would you be?

and (my personal favourite)

(6) If Albert Einstein pooh-poohed you for believing in quantum entanglement, saying it was hogwash and represented “spooky action at a distance”, where, exactly, would you punch him?

Happily, not all of my family is so backward and stuffy. The younger generation is open-minded, politically aware, free-spirited, and each has a consciousness which has been expanded to the approximate size of Tasmania. They are “The Young Ones” and we love them all.

They are far too stoned to take quizzes.

Could this be a good thing?

* Find the Facebook One-Click Quiz Blocker on the web and try it. You’ll see each quiz ONCE. Then you bludgeon it to death with one click of the mouse (powerful stuff!) and you will never see that quiz again.