Well, yesterday was our wedding anniversary. I have to say, I have no idea how 3 years has gone by so quickly.

The thing that remains true is that our marriage is easy. Life has thrown us some curve balls, but throughout all of it, our marriage has been fantastic. Our relationship has been so stress-free. We’ve had ONE really tense situation, and that was just because we hadn’t communicated well enough regarding a couple situations. We resolved it quickly too.

We were on our way to dinner with my mom and a close family friend (who’s like a mom to me) and they both talked about how marriage isn’t that easy. Again, it was pointed out how we are the exception to the rule.

I still find this amusing since I’m not sure what we do so differently than others that makes us the exception. I guess we’re just lucky.

We had lunch at The Melting Pot, which is a favorite of ours. At least we know which of the 7 Deadly Sins is likely to be my downfall. Yum, delicious GLUTTONY!

I hope we continue being the happy exception to the rule. I need the stability he provides in my life. He continues to tell me that I do something for him, though I have yet to figure out what exactly, LOL.

I’m finally back in the gym to prep for the Disney Princess Half-Marathon that happens in February.

I’m not surprised how much I’ve enjoyed being back in the gym, even if I hate doing it at, what is for me, the ass crack of dawn. Mr. Lyndsy prefers to get the workout done in the morning, whereas I would prefer the evening.

However, now that he has me doing some pre-drink with him and a protein shake after, I can see where it makes sense to do it first.

I think that whatever he has me doing has benefits, since I was able to push myself more today than I normally would have, especially given the fatigue I feel on a constant basis.

I’ve gone two days in a row, now I just need to keep it up. Mr. Lyndsy can’t go to the gym without me, and I know how important it is to him that he go, so I will probably be able to sustain it at least as long as he’s here with me. (He goes home about a month before I do.)

However, once I get into the habit of going, it’s usually pretty easy for me to keep it. I’m also seriously committed to being able to finish this marathon and not getting picked up by the Bus of Shame.

I managed to get into a jog. This is impressive not only because I don’t jog, but also because I didn’t trip over my right foot. Walking is occasionally a problem, but as long as I concentrate on getting my foot down and up, I may be okay.

I will definitely need to get some new shoes. That’s awesome because I love shopping, even for shoes. I haven’t decided which Disney Princess I want to be for the marathon, so eventually I’ll be picking shoes that will match my tutu.

I think Princess Leia seems like the obvious choice, but I don’t know. Which Disney Princess would you be if you were doing the marathon?

I know I’m late to this party (there are reasons – I did not intentionally delay seeing it).

HOLY SHIT.

1. I love the lack of female nudity and getting to see Chris Pine in the buff.

2. There was THIGH JIGGLE. I read about this online because people were stoked to see it and I get why. Thigh jiggle happens, even when it’s muscle. That’s just life. It’s nice to see that pop up on the big screen.

3. It was super well-paced. I never got bored.

4. I think a planet of only women is starting to look pretty damn amazing.

5. Wonder Woman is bad ass. There is no way around that.

6. I love the movie’s conclusion – that only love will ever trump hate. I totally agree with that. There isn’t another way for us to move forward.

Between the lack of sleep on Saturday night and staying up over 24 hours on Sunday (we flew back in time), I was a little wiped out when I got up today. I think I got a decent amount of sleep and it wasn’t terrible sleep. But it just wasn’t enough.

I have spent the entire day forgetting from one second to the next what I was doing. I’d pull out my phone and forget why. Or, I’d pull it out, get distracted by a notification, handle it, and then put the phone down. I slurred words a bunch. I forgot what I was saying in the middle of a sentence.

My brain is done. I think this has happened to me before, but I either didn’t really notice or was too overwhelmed with something else to care. Today it was incredibly frustrating. I should have realized much earlier on in the day that trying to do two things at once was a bad idea. Instead, I continued to try to multi-task. Fail.

I’m hoping a nice restorative sleep this evening will save me from myself tomorrow. I hope this isn’t a new, long-term problem for me. I don’t think I could handle it!

How lucky are you that you get to read my review of a second movie this week. Not only that, it’s one that’s been out for AGES already. But anyway, King Arthur.

I was most definitely iffy about this one. But again, when you’re in a movie drought, you will take what you can get. It was certainly better than anything else there. (I refuse to see Aliens or whatever the hell it is). Also, I’m a big fan of the Arthur legends. Real talk for a minute? I’m also a fan of hot men, like Charlie Hunnam, taking off their shirts a lot on camera. They probably could have turned off the sound and I would have been fine with that too.

Anyway, this seemed like quite the different take than the other Arthur legends I’ve been aware of. I completely forgot that Uther Pendragon ever existed, despite watching the entire Merlin series, where Uther features most prominently. But I digress.

This tale starts with the takeover by Vortigern (I still hate Jude Law for some reason) as he kills his own wife (played by Katie McGrath who played Morgana in Merlin, I assumed she was going to have a real, evil role in this one, but no such luck) to gain power to eventually kill Uther. Arthur is a small boy and makes his way, not unlike the Disney Hercules, in a boat to be picked up by prostitutes. He’s raised in a brothel, knowing nothing of his true identity, and falls into the role of protector. Save the ladies, piss off the wrong guys, etc. As he’s trying to escape the Black Leg, he gets picked up and forced to try to withdraw the sword from the stone. (How is gets there is perhaps one of the coolest parts of the movie.)

SURPSIE AND AWE! HE DOES IT!

Then the rest of the movie is about Vortigern trying to kill Arthur to have all the power. Arthur gets assisted by a great cast of people, with awesome names like George, Wet Stick, Back Lack, Blue, and the Mage. Now, the Mage is just pure awesome. In another life it might be fun to be her.

The movie ends how you expect it to. No surprise there.

I had really low expectations going into it. The previews looked terrible, but I was pleasantly surprised by how much I enjoyed it. I think a lot of it had to do with the film score. Sometimes that can make or a break a movie.

If you’re looking for a cool rental and you like the King Arthur legends, this one shouldn’t disappoint.

As you read earlier this week, my weekend was… NOT GOOD to say the lease. That’s the worst I’ve been in a while and I would rather not get anywhere near that again. My shrink is changing my meds up some and she gave me a list of 10 Forms of Twisted Thinking so that I can identify the shitty thoughts and recognize them for what they are.

Of course, that assumes that I don’t already know the thoughts are fucked up when I have them – I do. It’s just that I can’t control how fast they come and spiral.

BUT, as I was crawling out of the spiral on Sunday night, I had an excellent conversation with a very good friend about depression and why I struggle with it so much. She said what a lot of people say, that depression is a liar. A light went off in my head. I thought of something else everyone calls a liar, or rather The Great Deceiver – Satan.

Which led me to one of my derailed trains of thought. I won’t get into that in its entirety because 1. I can’t remember it i full and 2. It doesn’t really matter. The conclusion I ultimately reached is that the depression is trying to get me to stop shining my light in this world and stop me from fulfilling my role in the larger universe.

The reason this is important to me is that most often I’m not willing to do something for my SELF. Typically I just don’t care enough. Bad things happen to me. Boohoo. Okay. I deserved it. It’s karma. Whatever. But, when something affects OTHER PEOPLE, I have a problem with it.

People have told me that I’ve helped them through things. That something I shared with them mattered. That I affect more people than I know. I have a problem with depression trying to take that away. THAT is not okay.

So now, I have a reason to fight. To not just let go when the spiral forms beneath me. I will see that black hole and tell it to go fuck itself. I have people to help.

It’s been a long while since I’ve done a review of any kind, so why not now? We’re in a bit of a movie drought right now since they don’t generally bring new films during Ramadan. We got lucky though (sort of), because they launched The Mummy midway through. We went to see it, not because we were that excited about it, but because it was something new to watch.

I think I’d only seen one of the Brendan Fraser Mummy movies, so I didn’t really remember anything about them to think about whether I was supposed to be comparing one to the other. The most I’d done with that series is hit the ride at Universal Studios. I remember it being super cheesy and a “we won’t take ourselves too seriously” kind of movie.

I have no idea what the hell happened with this Mummy movie. Tom Cruise was… Tom Cruise. He plays basically the same character in all of his action movies. This time he was also a grave robber. It was one part super cheese, thank you Jake Johnson (best known in my world for New Girl). The other parts were an attempt at something deep and serious – Cruise’s relationship with Annabelle Wallis‘s character; the danger of looming evil through Russell Crowe’s portrayal of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (honestly, it was so obvious and dull); and Tom Cruise’s asshole character having to come to grips with himself. [cue eye roll]

Speaking of eyes – the whole two irises in one eyeball was hella weird and gross.

On Friday I gleefully posted about how the Blargh had hit me, but that I was doing really well emotionally and pretty well physically.

I never should have posted that.

You know why? The Universe was listening.

And do you know what the Universe gave me? An anxiety attack that led into a suicide spiral. That’s usually how these things go for me. I’ll break it down.

I get into a situation where I stop seeing possibility. I stop seeing opportunity for things to change. It can be for any number of factors, but generally involves: 1. My physical inabilities currently to work in a full-time environment; 2. That I live in the desert in the Middle East; and 3. Bills. Damn bills.

Money is usually the trigger that sends me straight into the darkest places I can go. See, I know what plans Mr. Lyndsy and I have. We want to buy a house in the US (we were going to do that this summer, but it’s been tabled for reasons that have nothing to do with me). We also want to save as much money as possible before going back because it’s highly unlikely that Mr. Lyndsy will make what he does here. We also have no idea what kind of condition I’ll be in.

So on Friday, the trifecta hit and my anxiety shot through the roof. I have a student loan I cannot get rid of no matter what I do. It’s $500 month. Most months, I barely make that. Which means that the other various bills I have – hospital bills from the little trip I took to the ER in February, credit card bills from business expenses (sadly, direct sales haven’t gone super well lately), and personal credit cards (which are my fault, some, and stupid shit), don’t have much money to fund them.

Then I have to ask. I hate asking, because it puts me into the expense column.

My brain starts scrambling to figure out what I might be able to do. Then I get caught up in the fact that my body is not so good to me all the time. I have constant fatigue from fibromyalgia. I have insomnia which I only overcome when I take one of my antidepressants. The problem with that antidepressant is that it knocks me WAY out. Even if I fall asleep around midnight, it’s not unheard of for me to sleep until noon. That would make getting to work on a bit challenging. If I try to get up before my body is ready, it won’t move and I end up falling back asleep. I’ve learned it’s better not to fight it.

The thing is that here I couldn’t have any of the accommodations that I would have in the US. They don’t have an ADA. If you can’t do exactly what they’re asking (and most jobs work 6 days/week) they have no reason to hire you because there are people lined up behind you to take the job.

“So Lyndsy, just move back to the US!” Ah, but you see, the US is a problem now – healthcare. It’s too up in the air to risk it. Mr. Lyndsy’s anticipated job doesn’t have healthcare. *I* would have to find a job with insurance (the exchange plans where we’d be aren’t the best) and be able to work and make enough money to cover it. Right now, I don’t see how that’s physically possible. Knowing that any protections I would (no lifetime caps, pre-existing care coverage) would either go away or become unaffordable freaks me out. I see a rheumatologist, endocrinologist, nephrologist, and a shrink (and you know how Republicans hate treating healthcare!). I take 7 medications per day, well, 8 right now, plus one more weekly. I don’t even want to think about what those would cost if I had to come up with the out of pocket funds.

Herein lies my problem. Whether I’m here or there, I’m kind of screwed. The only saving grace would be a successful SSDI claim, which is unlikely the first go through. They often take 2 years to fully litigate. What would I do in the meantime?

This is how I end up feeling trapped in a dark place I cannot get out of. Where I hear from a voice in the back of my head, “The best thing to do would be for you to kill yourself.” And it starts to sound downright LOGICAL.

YES! Kill myself! Then all of this doesn’t matter. I stop being a expense! I no longer have to worry!

Friday night was the closest I’d been in a long while. I mentally wrote my goodbye note to Mr. Lyndsy and my obituary. I thought about messages I’d like to send people. I don’t want anyone to feel bad. This is just my life and how it rolls.

After a while, it’s too much. Knowing now, after almost 3.5 years of constant pain, with other worsening attributes, that any kind of traditional work environment would be too much, is demoralizing. I feel guilty about spending money on fun things. Because if I spend money out of my accounts on anything fun, I’m going to have to ask for money from Mr. Lyndsy. But, if I try to not spend, I grow resentful. I hate losing my independence.

So here I am. I made it through Friday night. It’s just a one episode at at time kind of thing.

I haven’t been even a little coy about my contempt for Donald Trump. He’s a tiny-handed, narcissistic, man-child still seeking his daddy’s approval and ruining our country in the process. But, he can do something positive for us. He can show us all how living a life filled with expectation leads to unhappiness.

It’s my belief that the happiest people are the people who have learned to live with no expectations. They don’t expect life to be easy, they just expect it to be what it is. Life isn’t fair. It’s not easy. It’s not filled with happiness all the time.

However, Trump and people like him expect that life will just unfold before him perfectly. I don’t know if it’s how he was raised (but I suspect so), but he acts like he expects everyone to just do what he wants them to. Like he’s what the world revolves around. He expects that his worldview should be or is the dominant worldview. He expects that money should get him whatever he wants. I mean, maybe it got him his wife, but I don’t think that’s working out for him as well as he expected it to.

And that’s the problem. Expectations rarely work out the way we think they will. We see things from our limited perspective, discounting the people around us, who all have their own motivations and expectations. We also can’t predict the world of larger events – things like natural disasters, the criminal or nasty intentions of others.

Our expectations also imply that we know what’s best on the grander scale. When we get focused on a set of ideas, and it blocks us from being able to see other possibilities. These possibilities could bring us rewards we never dreamed of because we couldn’t comprehend them, but we’ll never see them because expectations clouds our vision. It’s truly sad for us.

Because Trump has expectations, he acts out of fear that the expectations will not be fulfilled. Acting out of fear is rarely (I would say never) a good idea. It’s more short-sighted than allowing life to unfold, which means precluding a whole series of other potentialities. Fear is the greatest liar in our lives. Nothing cuts us down faster than fear.

And we can see what it’s doing to the United States. Fear leads to unrealistic nationalism, racism, homophobia, etc. It’s not the United States I love so much. It’s not a United States with possibility. It’s backward-looking and limiting. With our resources and population, we should be leading the world in science, technology, mathematics, economics, etc. But we’re not. Until our Dear Leader gets his head out of his ass, we’re going to continue to skid, out of control, backwards, to an era where equality was a dream.