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Physics

If you want to make your voice be heard regarding the unjust termination of great people such as Mike Farley, Steve Farley, Greg Farley (Steve’s clone who worked as a lunch lady), and Kelly Casaday, you now have a great means to do so. Join your fellow students in voicing their disappointment in decisions made by the AISU board of directors in a cool and productive way.

If you are neither of these, but care about Mike and Steve and Greg and Kelly a great deal, sign either one. I don’t care. No matter who you are, though please do not sign both. We want this to be as honest and legal of a process as possible, as boring as that is. If you are a student AND a parent (we won’t judge), I guess you can sign both. Otherwise, stay honest please.

IMPORTANT UPDATE:

THERE WILL BE A TOWN HALL Q&A WITH MIKE FARLEY, WHO WILL, WITH A LEGAL INFORMANT, BE ANSWERING ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU, STUDENTS, PARENTS, OR UNCONNECTED COMMUNITY MEMBERS, MAY HAVE.

IT WILL BE AT 7:00 PM MOUNTAIN TIME, THURSDAY JULY 6, AT THE MURRAY LIBRARY (166 E. 5300 S., Murray UT, 84107).

“Ask and Receive” is a Daily Gravy column in which members of AISU’s student body and staff ask questions, and the Gravy Editors receive them. See how that works out?

Our first question comes from an anonymous student who is concerned about falling asleep in Physics class:

“I keep falling asleep in Physics class. This is normally beneficial to me, because I do need my sleep, but this next week of class is probably going to require more participation so that I can actually finish the course. Is it possible for me to stay awake, or should I not even try?”

Well, anonymous student, Physics class is known to induce drowsiness. However, contrary to popular belief, it is possible to stay awake. One thing to remember is the first law of motion (which, ironically, you would know about if you hadn’t been sleeping in Physics class): objects in motion tend to stay in motion, while objects at rest tend to stay at rest. This means that you should never begin to rest, or you will never return. Instead, stay in motion! One of the most effective ways to do this is to run laps around the classroom for most of the class period. It’s also helpful to do about 15 jumping jacks every few minutes.
Some students like to bring a jump rope or a hula hoop to use when they start to feel sleepy. If you still aren’t able to stay awake, don’t worry; graduating is overrated anyway.

Truman Barnes from the middle school asks the next question about popularity.

“I feel like every day I am overlooked and I don’t get enough respect. What is a good way to be respected at this school?”

Truman, if anyone knows about disrespect, it’s us at the Gravy. We make it our business to never show any respect to anyone. So if you’d like to be respected more, we would suggest that you try to be more respectable. In an attempt to help you, we read Lifehack’s clickbait link “20 Things Every Man Should Learn to be a More Respectable Person” and randomly selected a number on that list that you should work on improving. The number selected was #7, “How You Treat a Woman.”

Some of the woman-treating skills on Lifehack’s list include opening doors for women, speaking highly of women, and communicating with women. To gain these skills, we suggest practicing opening doors for others at least 7 times per day. Be sure to do this when you’re alone, so if you do it wrong there are no witnesses. Also remember that you’re only opening doors for women, so if a man tries to enter through a door you’re opening, trip him and close the door as quickly as possible so that it breaks his legs. To speak highly of women, we suggest loudly announcing things you like about the female gender at random times throughout the day. This will show women you care or at least notice things about their gender. To practice communicating with women, we suggest regularly listening to soap operas on television and practicing nodding and making appropriate facial gestures while thinking about the NBA playoffs in your head. Follow these steps and you’re sure to be more respected in no time. You’re welcome.

Our next question is from a student who calls himself “the Unicorn King.”

“Once I was walking down the street, and a 9-foot-tall guy with sunshine
coming out of his mouth and a hippo for a hand told me that everything in the whole wide world is really mean, even my mom. I don’t think my mom’s mean. What do you think?”

If you think your mom’s nice, we’ll take your word for it. However, for future reference, we would suggest not talking to 9-foot-tall guys with sunshine mouths and a hippo for a hand, because, as we learn from Psych season 2, episode 6, “Meat is Murder, But Murder is Also Murder,” those guys usually turn out to be the jealous assistant who murdered the food critic because he wanted his job. We also learn that mushroom farmers aren’t always the best at criminal identification, but they pull through in the end.

This concludes this session of Ask and Receive: A Gravy Column. If you have questions you would like to be received by the Gravy editors, email ASKGRAVY@GMAIL.COM with your question and we will be sure to receive it.

AISU – On Wednesday, April 13, an “education innovations” expert, Phil Phredrickson, visited the American International School of Utah to evaluate the school both academically and ultra-academically, and to implement changes if necessary. However, immediately after shadowing the Physics class, Phredrickson dropped to the ground in laughter, eventually choking and ceasing to have life.

After it was confirmed that Phredrickson was in fact dead, AISU administration released a statement outlining Phredrickson’s recommended changes for AISU’s 3rd year, calling them “otherwise ridiculous” suggestions that “we never would have considered had they not been ordered by a dead man.”

Among the suggested changes are a new A/B day schedule with 80-minute classes, two high school lunches, a longer school day, replacing pencils with crayons, removing all chairs, and replacing all notebooks with rolls of toilet paper. An anonymous administration member said that he believes the changes will be good for the school, because he discussed them with his 6th great-grandson in series of dreams and blackouts in dark alleys. Others are doubtful, claiming that the changes “only make sense if you have been in constant contact with the dead for the past few years.” Overall, the school’s official statement asserts that the implementations will improve the school in the long run, but that they will “take some getting used to” and “will suck pretty bad for the next four decades.”

Phredrickson did not respond to our requests for comment, but the anonymous administration member offered to contact him for us, although we weren’t sure if he was talking to us, because his eyes were rolled back and his head was turned all the way around. The school will have an informational meeting about the changes on Tuesday at 7:00 on Saturn’s 6th moon, where a watermelon hosting Phredrickson’s disembodied ghost will be speaking. LSD will be served as a complimentary refreshment beforehand.

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