Saturday, June 19, 2010

Tall Skinny Half Caff Manic Saturday With Extra Foam

Pick your poison, and Moxie up!

The kicker with blogging about cleaning is that I have often gotten up to use the bathroom, and then cleaned half the house before I sit down to peck out some words of encouragement and my certifiable lists, and sometimes pictures. (Like "sometimes y.")

Speaking of pictures, I tend to forget to take "befores" since one's natural inclination is not to immortalize shit hole disasters, and because I usually head full-throttle into those tasks and then the "afters" fail to impress.

But I do have some meager offerings, to showcase a little bit of a day in the life.

This, this is prize-winning. As you know, I wake up and clean in my underwear. It's less cumbersome, it's cooler, or because I've got it so bad I can't stop to put on pants. But, as I've mentioned, I have unwittingly answered the door in my underwear on a couple of occasions, so I bought some black shorts at Old Navy. Problem solved. This happened the first time I wore them, a few days ago, and it's the only time I've ever been bested by bleach:

I was really pissed about this. These cost $7.00 or something, but that's not the point. The one time I go out of my way to clean in modesty wear, and it gets the hose again. It's the principle. But then everyone reminded me 100 times that they were purchased as "cleaning shorts," because there is no way in HELL I would wear shorts in public, so then I was 3% less pissed. In any event, I kicked some heavyweight ass that day in spite of my bleach bath. I stripped everything in the house down to its bones, and cleaned it all back together.

Laundry sorter skeleton:

Drawers that become totally incestuous no matter what you do. Gotta straighten those out:

Playing cupid with a nightmare chip/everything cupboard and my trusty wire caddies:

Before (introductions):

All done: (You have to be looking for something to fully appreciate their affair.)

So there are some images of gittin' jiggy wit Moxie, and there's more in store for today, though I've had the house in a continuous detox/cleanse for weeks, so I don't resemble some first-on-the-scene Haitian Relief Worker like I usually do on Saturdays, which my back will be glad to hear.

So far:

-Ate, made coffee.

-Wiped counter tops.

-Emptied wastebaskets and garbage.

-Pieced together one full load of laundry. Yep.

-Assembled outgoing mail.

-Touched a few less desirable tasks to make sure I didn't dream them. (They're real.)

-Re-stocked the t.p., napkins, paper towels, etc.

-Started dusting blinds in the bathroom, which will be wiped down and swept later.

Soon to get the smack down:

-Fold laundry dregs, put it away.

-Stare at my clothing rack and say "What.The.Fuck? Why are you always full?" And then hang it all up in my closet. I dread this. What can I say? I am Old Navy's bitch.

-Wipe down dining/schooling/only place with chairs area. We have four birthdays plus Fathers Day tomorrow. I'm assuming we'll need the table.

-Grab a shovel and head to the dual vanity in the master bedroom. Good god. No, I can't even take a picture. Adolescence has essentially blown up on my side. You know it's bad when your 'to-be-sewn' heap is so high it's nice to have your make-up nestled atop it because you're tall and it's easy to reach. Everyone has his or her own soap, deodorant, hair gel (she for frizz, he for spike), flat irons, lotion, and earrings, and apparently my side of the vanity had a huge WELCOME mat on it, which was invisible to me. I love that my kids are well-groomed, and that one always hands the other a flosser, but like, some goddamned elbow room, just once! Or please leave the straightener on when you can see I'm fighting a serious crimp. Most importantly, line your shit up like soldiers, like your mamacita, or go move into Papa's side, which is also more like a barracks. So yeah, this project has all the come hither allure of the Wicked Witch from Snow White.

-Keep rearranging my room to figure out which five things are the right things. This room is like Sudoku for the minimalist mind. The whole table with one flower and a water bottle and eternal OCD bliss fantasy is pure horse shit. It ain't gonna happen. Not as long as there are flip flops, books, coins (!!!), Sharpies, gum, lotion, lotion, gum, remotes, iPods, and phones. I challenge anyone to come figure this out. It's fun in a deep-paper-cut-between-your-fingers way.

-The exterior windows.

-All mirrors. (In which to seeeee the crimps.)

-Spend 20 minutes in the kids' room. Quinn outgrew ALL his Levi's again. No, again-again. He now wears size 20 skinny jeans. In contrast, Reilly's skinnies are size 7. They are so opposite I'm surprised one of them wasn't born black.

-Wipe down entertainment area, including cords, the wall, the clock, and the shelving above.

-Don't forget Fathers Day! I was so organized I tried celebrating it last week, so I brought Todd a tiramisu, which, by some miracle, didn't go to waste, but now the kids and I have to do something different. I once knew someone who cheated on the person she was with to have sex with her ex as a Fathers Day gift. Isn't that a kick? Pretty original I thought, though Todd would rather have the tiramisu than her. Or MRSA.

Sarah you had better be finishing up Caleb's room, and you can use my shovel for Maddie's! But you must send pics or you have to stop using Moxie as a verb, lol. I want to prance you around, and also, shut up about your margaritas!!!

8 comments:

I just took a before pic of my kitchen, laundry filled hallway, four year olds room, a close up of the shit accumulated on stairs and a pile of dirt meant to be relocated out back. But I don't know how to post it so if I come back and say I have accomplished cleaning today, you will have to take my word for it. And yes, I am cleaning on a Saturday as part of my fathers day present to my husband. This way, tomorrow we can relax and eat store bought snap peas and not worry about the house. :-)

P.S. Wow, if that wasn't so insane, sleeping with one's ex for a present (prostitution) I would say that is hilarious. But it is in fact, insane.

P.P.S. Congrats on the bleached cleaning shorts. I feel that was the perfect way to initiate them!

First, I have to admit that the whole bleach on the shorts thing made my eye twitch. I absolutely loathe the bleach on clothes deal. In my sick mind they are no longer wearable. *sigh*

I spent a good amount of time today enjoying the sunshine an minimal amount of wind and even at that I still managed to get some things done, go me!

I folded two loads of laundry, cleaned and vacuumed Cody's and the girl's bedrooms, fixed the leaky valve in the downstairs bathroom, cleaned the kitchen including floor, outside of refrigerator, outside of oven, and stove top.

I know. It doesn't seem like all that much but considering how much time I spent outside reading, I was pleased about it! ;-)

Doo-da-doo-da-doo-Dana--Congrats on schlepping all the chaos to parts other than your visual horizon, but store bought peas??? I didn't know you were into masochism. Once you've had the peas out of Todd's garden, you will surely pitch a tent in the yard.

BTW, I just got a rockin' sweet deal on a Pokemon boxed set at Borders for your birthday!

As for the ill-fated hilarious Fathers Day gift, the humour escaped me somewhat since I was the one who got duped. In retrospect, it's all a bunch of compost, and there comes a point at which rotten can't get more rotten, you know?

I knew you would try to find some bright side to my bleached shorts. I'm going to buy you another Pokemon set. xoxo

Dawna--THANK YOU for having the appropriate reaction to my shorts. Geez, some people and their optimism, it just won't quit! Way to kick ass, and of course you can't just clean, you always have to tune up the car, hang dry wall, or fix a leaky valve. You deserved every minute in the sun!

I plowed through most of my list, but really, it was overkill. Soon I will write: "Clean the wipes" to the list. Blah.

So I ditched the superfluous stuff and made a game plan for the new house! Can we just say, new carpet, white everything, chrome fixtures, new new, white white, and one very satisfied Moxie. :)

Kasondra relayed me here, and all I can say is wow. I've been here reading this blog for an hour while semi-watching a movie, and I actually got off my rear and scrubbed my shower, even the icky stubborn grout. Do you know where I could get one of those blind cleaners you have? I definitely need one as every window in my house has blinds (and that's a bunch of windows haha).

Hi Jackie, welcome! I can't believe Kasondra would recommend this blog, since she regularly pressures and mocks my lack of consistency, lol. Perhaps she thinks I will get my shit together if more people are seeking motivation. I really hope that happens. If it makes you feel any better, even during blogging droughts, I still clean my house with the same fervor as always. Isn't that reassuring? My friend Dyan scored that amazing blinds buster, I'll have to ask her where. Really bad ones are no match for a hose too, if you can get lug them outside without snapping them all to shit. Also, I hate blinds.

Also, please tell Kasondra that she is a messochondriac, and that six blocks is not a mess. :) Word on the street is that Moxie will soon feature some sort of regular schedule, but that all depends on my kids packing the summer to its gills, traveling, moving, classes, and the fact that the computer is only my part-time lover at best. Blech. So that's the 411 in essence, but I do take texts, as K will attest, I will post your pics, and I will most assuredly shame you publicly if need be. But you can't shame me. I'm Moxie

Haha I love the word messochondriac, nice. And, yes, she is! Still love her though. I was watching Public Enemies. I think I would probably break my blinds if I pulled them all out, and I'd probably forget where they go. lol I have way too many different size windows. So not only did you inspire me to scrub my tub, I also cleaned the toilet bowl, vacuumed the bathroom, hall, and laundry room, did two loads of laundry and loaded up a bag of trash and took it out. Yippee! haha

I'm a mother, reader, writer, and an open-minded Democrat. I'm funny, but have said my share of regrettable things in life. I admit my mistakes, and expect the same of others. I fail at getting out of hammocks. I can detect and deflect facades. I make friends easily and when I listen I REALLY listen. I always remember your aunt Clara and her cats. I'm approachable and genuine, willing to do anything to help, be it moving a piano on my back, making you laugh when it feels impossible, cleaning, and have dressed in drag to make someone smile. I will accept/succeed at 99% of dares. I'm a picky grammarian, but I'm not perfect and you don't have to be either. I draw the line at vicious behaviour, flakes who don't even offer plausible or amusing excuses, thieves, bitches, bitch-face, and people who choose to believe what they know to be false. I don't like sci-fi, the words "nother," "prolly," nor "irregardless." I will not abide ANYONE who would harm a child with their words, bodies, actions, inactions, or indirectly. I will fight for any child, and I will go Dexter on your ass if you threaten my child.
I'm more fun than not.