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Welcome! Lenkaland shares my adventures in creative photography, raising two kids, writing, living with chronic illness, raising a daughter with dyslexia, and swimming with mermaids. Hope you have a nice stay!

Jan 9 We All Fall Down

I am a little worried about this post. I am fussy. The emotions and the fun over the past weeks triggered a mighty flare up. Pain and fatigue and the heavy clouds that cover my sky. I remembered why I started this blog in a January years ago. My CMT symptoms roar in January. So I am making big efforts to notice the things that matter. I have written a lot about perspective. I can hold light even through dark times.
But I need to vent a minute. I had a few conversations over the past couple days that caused thoughts to avalanche. First, I feel like I make trouble for myself. The more people know me, it seems, the more they expect of me. For example, when I meet people, I can say that things like moving boxes or handwriting forms or walking places are difficult. I have limitations. My boundaries are accepted without too many explanations.

Then, I don't know what happens. I work hard. I have a good day. I become inspirational :). And I say that with respect. I am fine with inspiring others. I know plenty of others who inspire me in turn.

Anyway, at some time, the boundaries begin to blur. Expectations rise. And I crash.

I know it is my job to keep my world healthy. I need to communicate my challenges clearly. I have to be strong in advocating for myself because, looking at me, it doesn't seem possible. How could I be so broken and look fine?The past few days, I heard that I would probably be in less pain if I were stronger. My joints would have better support.

Yes, please. And I want to be stronger. I will do the exercises. But I also shared that I have always struggled, always been the 'weak' one. I have been given a hundred exercises over the years. I try and try and try.

Sometimes it feels like, the more someone knows me, the more control they think that I have over CMT. If I make the right plans, I will get the right results... Right?

It's tough to feel defeated. And I know that isn't the intent behind the conversations. People want to raise me up. Motivate me, challenge my boundaries. With the hope I find freedom.

I wish :)

It's late and I teach tomorrow. Maybe. Snow is falling :). Could be a snow day.

Either way, I do need to rest. I hope that I am on the upswing out of this flare up. Just in case, rest is my best medicine. Thanks for listening.

I am a photographer, writer, and art activist in the Sierra foothills. I live with my family, a mostly feral black cat, and a furry little dog named Chewbacca. I enjoy accessible adventures, kindness, and books with werewolves.

I am a photographer, writer, and art activist in the Sierra foothills. I live with my family, a mostly feral black cat, and a furry little dog named Chewbacca. I enjoy accessible adventures, kindness, and books with werewolves.