Menu

Blood, drugs and rock and roll.

So yesterday wasn’t a great day. I wasn’t going to write a blog about it but I feel that if I’m going to be completely truthful on my blog I might as well tell you. My original plan that way was: get up, do dad’s eye drops, watch CSI whilst eating breakfast, get dressed, go shopping, come home, watch CSI, eat dinner whilst watch CSI, wait till dad goes to bed, revise some science, do my RE homework, attempt sleep, sleep, wake up, realise forgot to brush teeth, brush teeth, dad wakes up, Sunday starts and hopefully hypomania is more prominent.

That’s not how it went. Everything is the same up to watch CSI whilst eating breakfast. I continued watching CSI after breakfast and didn’t realise the time. Five minutes before we had to go my dad tells me we have to go. Not knowing the time I said “What? I’ve got 5 minutes before I have to get dressed?” He replied saying: “yes”. So after CSI finished I began listening to some rock and roll, well just one song before I had to get up and dad told me to hurry up. I then realised I had some emails so I told my dad to bring my clothes into my room so I could change. I usually wear the same clothes I wore on Friday on Saturday just because I don’t see anyone I know and I don’t see the point of only wearing clothes only one day. So I tell him every Friday not to wash them and usually he doesn’t because he forgets they are there but this week he told me he washed them. I don’t offer this as an excuse but I was in a mixed episode and lost my temper and told him how he doesn’t listen and how it’s just been in the last few weeks, just before everything with his eye. So he told me he didn’t want me to come and asked my brother to but my brother wasn’t dressed and said he would come but he’d have to get dressed but my dad lost his temper, went out the door and slammed it whilst shouting what bad children we are.

I was angry. I mean, punch a wall angry. But with the current state of my hands I managed to rationally think that if I was to punch a wall that’d be the end for my hands and so I needed to take this anger out. The thing is though, I usually take anger out on myself and it is on the rarest (and most horriblest) of occassion my anger stays onto another person. So I cut and I knew I was being weak but I cut and the anger went away and I felt happy again, hypomanic happy and this mood continued for a while until dad arrived home.

I went to get a chocolate bar and no one said anything. The next time I went to get a drink and this time I asked if he wanted his drops done because it was about this time and he said he didn’t as he’d done them himself and so I asked how long he was going to continue to be childish, he laughed in that way that says “have you looked at yourself recently?”. I calmly pointed out that I am 16 and can be childish. I’m really confused to how he feels bad about me not having a childhood but when I act the least bit childish now he thinks I’m the worst thing on the planet. Whilst I was arguing with him this searing pain came into the side of my head and I began to cry and dad told me not to “use that ploy” that ploy being crying to get him to forgive me. He doesn’t need to forgive me, I need to forgive him. So I yelled “Don’t think yourself so fucking lucky that I’d cry over you, I have searing pain in my head and a fever!” to which he told me to go lie down. So I did and amongst crying that the only people who care about me and I mean truly care are on the internet, I cried from the immense pain and fever and chills I was currently experiencing. So I did something arguably stupid. I got up took a migraleve (it’s a main to relieve migraines), went back to bed, no effect, so I figured I needed to sleep or at least relax. So I got up and took 7 2mg pills of diazepam. I was taken off the dose after no sleep effect at 6mg, so I was over double that. I’d done research on how much would kill me before and I’d need a lot so 14mg wouldn’t do my any harm. It just made me disorientated, little light on my feet and imitating the signs of intoxication. But it didn’t stop the pain, it did lower the fever. I took another migraleve and then my dad kept getting involved. I would get up for a drink, he would tell me to go back to bed, I went to the pill drawer and he kept asking what I’d taken (I told him the truth) and took two painkillers.

I don’t really remember every detail but I made a lot of comments about commiting suicide, my dad telling me that I sound just like my mother (which rather lends more evidence to the fact she has an undiagnosed mood disorder) and to me kicking my door open whilst lying on my bed so as to annoy my dad. By doing that he said “I really didn’t care about anyone but myself” to which I retort “I care about AB” < My brother. my brother, my internet friends and the mustered prospect of a future are the things keeping me alive. It’s hard to care for someone who is emotionally and mentally abusive. If anyone is this forsaken house is like my mother, it’s him. My biggest fear though is that my brother turns out like me. Whether he has the depression (not manic depression) like I had when I was younger, anorexia like I had, anxiety disorder which I have/had. I swear if that ever happened I would get my brother out of this house so fast. Only two and a bit years until I can leave for university.

awww, bad days suck. *hugs*. Debates a lecture… 😉 ok, not a lecture.. just some thoughts.

Munchkin, take a deep breath and put yourself for a moment in your dads place. He is frustrated as well, no, don’t lash out, I am not saying he is right or supporting him, just trying to get you to be objective a bit. You are going to have to be very careful with meds, at some point soon, you will receive some that you need to have much care with. Not what the internet says or what you think either. Remember, there is a lot ahead in your life, you have to fight a bit now, but it is going to be worth it. Because of impulsive behaviour you are going to have a harder time too. Perceived knowledge you have, from the internet may cloud your reasoning as well. So be very careful please, think a lot when you decide upon an action. Think to yourself.. is Amber going to nod or shake her head…

kk, before you reply, remember I don’t judge, and am not doing so now. *hugs tight*, you so need a support system. Be strong please.

now, start drinking lots of water please. If the fever persists to the doctor too. *looks stern*

What exactly is he frustrated about? He drives from home to pick my brother and I up from school everyday so it’s not like he can’t drive that far. he says he can’t lift well technically he does no lifting until he gets home because he doesn’t pack the bags until he gets to the car and me and my brother could carry the bags. BUT even if we excuse his reaction to that, when a person is crying due to a headache and also having a fever I think any petty squabbles should be put aside because headache and a fever can mean nothing or everything. I was surprisingly willing to forgive and forget the whole tantrum about going out and not listening but I just don’t think I can easily forgive ignoring me crying in pain. I don’t get how a parent could ignore that. So whilst I can understand why he can’t deal with my mood swings and I can understand his reactions. I think whether a child is mentally ill or not you can’t ignore crying due to pain, it’s just not a doable thing. Remember I am not having a go at you when I say everything here, I am just stating my actual problem. My problem is how can a parent who claims to love their child put their pride before their child’s health?

I will be careful, promise *smiles* but sometimes when I am in a lot of pain (emotional or physical) and angry like I am in a mixed episode it’s just easy for me to lose sight of what’s healthy and what’s not.

Ah, yes. Mania will be kicking in soon. I can feel it. The impulsive behaviour and the grandiosity are creeping in. Mood is elated. I know it’s coming. I just need it to hold off for 14 hours so I can do my exam. Hypomania is welcomed from now on but if full mania makes a swift return I will not be able to do that exam, my concentration won’t allow me to. That’s the problem with mania, I don’t think it through. I just think that’s what I NEED (meaning want) right now so I do/get it and then when I’m back to hypomania, mixed episode or depression I will hate myself but hypomania is easier, it’s more: I want it, think of a valid reason for needing it, even if the reason is not valid I’ll get it but sometimes there is no reason so it’s okay.

Will do and I know you don’t judge 🙂 that’s one of the things I like about you. *smiles warmly*

The fever comes and goes and the flu isn’t coming out and it’s all very odd. But I will. I’ve felt very thirsty recently so I’ve been drinking more. I think I have another bleedin’ gum infection so that is annoying 😛

We ALL have bad days… we ALL do. Even the ones who are “normal” (har har) Just try not to make bad mistakes on those bad days, I guess… hm. maybe i should take my own advice. 🙂 Hoping tomorrow’s a little better.

nods I know you are not having a “go” at me. 🙂
venting is good though, it keeps munchkins from exploding…. they are hard to clean up. 😉 (always feel free to have a go, to help unwind anytime you want)

kk, what does he have to be frustrated about. First, people lash out at loved ones, they let go, or have a go with them. With strangers or even friends they present a different face, so that friends and strangers know not that they may be tormented or unhappy. But with loved ones it is different. So your dad may do this with you. so.. why would he be frustrated? He is the family head, so has all the responsibilities, the financial burdens and the moral obligations. He is raising two teenagers ( I know that sounds easy to you, but I am told it is quite difficult 😉 ) One has untreated mental health issues, that he knows not much about. One day this person is lethargic, or short tempered, perhaps moody, some times euphoric, and times suicidal. Munchkin, this preys on him massively. Now don’t despair over this, things are going to get better. I am just pointing to you, what he is dealing with too. Even when you know you shouldn’t, but when someone lashes out at you, times you just lash back. Even though, you know why they are doing this. Do you know what I mean?

yup, lots of water, juices would be better. Even your purple juice. 😉

now, I know you promise to be careful. And I hope you will be. Your mind will tell you other things though. So, if you can, maybe there will be a niggling thought.. is this the right thing. So look at me standing beside you and see if I am nodding or shaking my head.

Ohhh, sorry is having a go a British thing? I don’t know what translates where sometimes. Oh, English language.

I don’t like misdirecting my anger onto other people but I do sometimes and for that I apologise. I understand that which is why I forgive him for his tempers. I just find it difficult to forgive him ignoring me when ill. I mean there’s a line. On the one side is losing your temper and saying mean things because the stress gets to you. On the other side ignoring a crying person in pain, obviously very ill. I’ve made up with him now but it’s just like losing your temper = one excusable thing. Watching your own child cry in pain and not helping = another.

I did actually drink that xD

I have to watch both episodes, they are piling up will have watched it by this weekend definitely.