WHEATON — Reversing 30 years of policy, Wheaton College lifted its ban on dancing, drinking and tobacco usage, immediately sending the student body into a downward spiral of abject sin. The past month has seen a surge in out-of-wedlock pregnancies, drunkenness, petty theft, cigar-smoking and general vulgarity, all attributed to the newly watered-down Statement of Responsibilities.

“We’ve opened Pandora’s box,” said college President Duane Litfin grimly. “We’re going to be hearing from our alumni about this.”

In a dance club near campus, John Washburn, 22, a Bible and theology grad student, grinds and grooves on the crowded dance floor to the hypnotizing beat of trance music. He should be at the library studying, he says while standing at the bar during a break in the music.

“But I just found my inner beat-master,” he says. “I feel totally unleashed. This is true self-discovery.”

He lights up a thin, brown cigarillo and heads back to the dance floor.

Nearby is Tracy Kilney, 20, until recently one of the school’s model students. She was featured in publicity brochures and has traveled as a recruiter. She now lifts a martini glass to her lips, gulps the clear drink down, then takes the olive between her teeth. Her grades have plummeted she says with a chuckle.

“And I’m terribly, terribly upset about it,” she says, grabbing a male patron and pulling him onto the floor for some very dirty dancing.

In response to the sudden surge in lasciviousness and vice, Wheaton administrators have put on indefinite hold a policy that would encourage male and female students to live together to help save housing costs.

“If they can’t handle a little dancing and beer, they sure won’t resist the temptation of an attractive lady or man in the next bedroom,” says an unnamed administrator.

Meanwhile, some alums have started a campaign to bring back more restrictive policies including:
—a ban on the Internet,
—a ban on pants for women,
—a ban on stylish clothes and long hair for men,
—a campus-wide ban on all television stations except PAX, CBN, the Weather Channel and PBS,
—a ban on Willie Nelson CDs and any other music that glorifies consumption of whiskey. •