Is making fun of this picking on someone who has absolutely no relevance to anything, and hence rather pointless? Probably. But it’s Friday night and I’m indoors listening to the Sohodolls and drinking pomegranate tea like the antisocial loser I am, so mocking it is.

If things are going well between your guardian and your gentleman caller, your male guardian will dislike your new boyfriend. He’ll play with guns if he has them. This is to impress the boy, not to scare him.

Well, that’s a good start. I always like a classic “everything I learned about gender I learned from sitcoms.” Although it seems to me that if you’re that concerned about it you ought to just teach the girl to shoot. Gun safety is a valuable life skill and a girl with guns is probably even more scary impressive.

Under no circumstances are males to be trusted. They can be controlled for brief periods during which they are safe. But then they must be either released into the wild or neutered. Domestication is not possible. Under the proper conditions, any male will return to his natural illogical, biologically unrestrained state.

When I named the Beast half of the Knight/Beast Dichotomy I really wasn’t intending people to take it literally.

Honestly I have no idea what this means. Teenage boys will… pee on the furniture? Engage in elaborate displays of their antlers to establish a dominance hierarchy? Do mating cries outside your window at 3 am? What?

There is nothing more dangerous than an insecure male. All the world’s worst wars have been started by insecure men who blame their failures on the weather or other people, and feel their minor successes are worthy of Nobel prizes.

…Or it could be because women usually didn’t have access to giant armies to go killing people with. When they did, they killed people with as much aplomb and enthusiasm as any man, I assure you. Also, call me a crank, but I think that most wars can be better explained through economics, the search for glory in battle, and religion than the insecurities of assorted generals. But I’m sure you have a PhD in military history and will be glad to enlighten me!

Right now, the only reason they date women is to practice spawning and then to go back to their friends and brag. Teenaged boys are unable to conceive your mental processes. They do not think like you do. They do not feel what you feel.

Things I have learned: apparently teenage boys don’t pass the Voigt-Kampff Test. Good to know. I’ll be sure to keep track of this possible confound next time I’m hunting replicants.

Also this is deeply puzzling to me, as I have dated teenage boys very recently. In fact, one of them dated me for six months with no sex at all by his own free choice. I mean, I assumed he liked the kissing and the cuddling and the arguing about D&D, but that can’t be right, teenage boys are all sex-driven replicants. Maybe he’s just playing a very long game to get sex? Oh, his fiendish mind! All that “I’m romantically but not sexually attracted to you” was just covering up his evil scheme!

If you remove sex from the equation–given the choice of spending the evening with you holding hands and talking about who’s taking whom to the prom, and hanging out with his friends playing XBox or working on fast cars, you lose.

I don’t even like cars or gaming and hanging out with my friends playing XBox would win over talking about who’s taking whom to the prom. I mean, Christ. Is that interesting to anyone other than those involved?

All men have a contemplative side… It’s full of landmines and useless whining.

So men are replicants who pee on the furniture, but when they have feelings they will blow your feet off. Is this the recruitment document for the National Center for Lesbian Rights?

As is true for you, for young males there is a “point of no return” at which for the prospect of sex the male will abandon all common sense and commence the process whether you are ready or not.

OH HAI rape culture I was missing you there.

Again, I’ve recently fucked teenage boys. I can empirically test this shit! Teenage boys have stopped (among other acts) PIV, blowjobs, and anal sex because I was tired or in pain. They have explicitly informed me that I ought to stop having sex with them when I have stopped enjoying myself. They have had boundaries and limits which did not disappear when they got an erection, including sex acts that they simply were not ready for.

Look, the vast majority of humanity has had either (a) been a man or (b) had sex with a man. Search through your memories. Is there a consistent moment of horniness at which they turn into a sex-driven animal? No? THEN WHY DO YOU BELIEVE THAT THERE IS?

Your male guardian will cause grievous physical injury (or death) to anyone who harms you. Every day he prides himself on imagining he will do that.

And here we have the Knight bit of the Knight/Beast Dichotomy. You know, if men are all furniture-peeing feet-exploding replicants, where did your awesome male-guardian protector come from?

Young men do not understand female sexual response. To put a finer point on it: they have zero concept.

Dude, that’s not a man thing, that’s a virgin thing. When I lost my virginity I didn’t realize you were supposed to move your mouth during blowjobs. It happens. That said, I have known several male virgins with an excellent grasp of the basics, such as the location and importance of the clitoris, and nearly all of them are teachable, because most men want to make their partners happy. For fuck’s sake.

The best way to get a guy to stop talking about himself is to go to the movies, feed him, or tire him out. Then, when he’s not talking, he’ll be dead silent and you’ll be tempted to ask what’s on his mind. Don’t. Wait twenty years. He’ll start having a genuine interest in what you’re thinking. Until then, watch a lot of DVDs.

…why would I date someone I do not find interesting? If I’m dating you I WANT to hear about you! Also, I am pretty sure most men have a basic grasp of social cues…? Unless we’re assuming that all men are furniture-peeing feet-exploding replicants with Asperger’s Syndrome. I know lots of awesome people with Asperger’s, but somehow I do not think it applies to 50% of the population.

Males, in general, are totally unprepared for the feelings of ownership and protectiveness that arise in them after sex.

Oh, that’s where your male guardian came from. He happened by magic after sex. Gotcha.

In an eighteen-year old, what comes out is a desire to control your movements and an unnecessarily critical eye examining every relationship you have, however trivial.

About ozyfrantz

Ozy Frantz is a student at a well-respected Hippie College in the United States. Zie bases most of zir life decisions on Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, and identifies more closely with Pinkie Pie than is probably necessary. Ozy can be contacted at [email protected] or on Twitter as @ozyfrantz. Writing is presently Ozy's primary means of support, so to tip the blogger, click here.

Oh god, I feel dirty after reading that blog post in a way that I did not think it was possible for me to feel after just a blog post. Ozy just hit the top of the iceberg. The author of that blog post pretty much sites every vile and toxic gender stereotype as indisputable natural law: – Young men are incapable of meaningful emotion associated with intimacy. – Women (young and old) are hyper-capable of, and hyper-sensitive to, emotions associated with intimacy. – Fathers (and indeed all father figures) are just waiting for the opportunity to kill any of… Read more »

There is nothing more dangerous than an insecure male. All the world’s worst wars have been started by insecure men who blame their failures on the weather or other people, and feel their minor successes are worthy of Nobel prizes. …Or it could be because women usually didn’t have access to giant armies to go killing people with. When they did, they killed people with as much aplomb and enthusiasm as any man, I assure you. Also, call me a crank, but I think that most wars can be better explained through economics, the search for glory in battle, and… Read more »

Developers^3, 6/23 “…that quoted blog post’s attitude is engaging in ‘creep shaming’ or perhaps ‘virgin shaming’. The implications of his reasoning are clear: If you lack experience and skill at courtship you are a creep and a threat. As a result, you shouldn’t be given the benefit of the doubt. As a result of that, you will never gain the confidence/skill ncessary to not be a creep…. Yeah, I would rather annoyed with that kind of reasoning if I took it at all seriously.” Men and women who believe in alpha, beta, and omega status do take it seriously. It’s… Read more »