Welcome To The Hermit's Desk

Ever have those bad dreams that, upon awakening, seem absolutely ridiculous that it should bother you at all? Woke up 4 times last night, most of it centering on David's parents being furious at me for "causing" his transgenderism and being intent on taking revenge for it. Nothing bloody, just locking me up in their filthy home. (Which, with their hoarding, would lead to a meltdown in about .02 seconds.)

No matter what I may believe about David's gender change, (1) that's all him and (2) it was there years before we got together. Not to mention, David's parents, for all their faults, are exceedingly civil people. It might be awkward if we all found ourselves at the same restaurant, but I know they wouldn't be confrontational about it.

SO annoying to dream something like that to the point where it would wake me up multiple times.

The rest of the dreams centered on anxiety symbolism. Falling through ice and have to claw through arctic cold water. High waves dragging me under, suffocating and quickly freezing me to near death. Being trapped somewhere and not being able to get away. The typical bullshit my brain puts in the movie reel when I'm worried about the other shoe dropping.

Thanks, brain. Good to know I can always rely on you for a pep talk.

I'd lain back down, hoping to catch up sleep. Not much luck there. I'll drift comfortably for an hour and then have to get up. It's making the self-destructive behaviors (always at our worst when we don't sleep well) stir, taking interest in my lack of defenses.

So I did some cleaning. Still having annoying urges, but they are in the background. Will lay back down again soon. A clean house is always easier to sleep in.

Girlyswirl, as soon as I'm able, I'm going to give your journal a thorough reading. I've missed a lot going on in your life. I find it so hard most days to reach out to other people, but it sounds like you and I got some shit hand-in-hand to walk through.

The voices were back yesterday - and they were much clearer than ever before. Two women having a conversation. A conversation about me. I actually heard words this time. "She's so useless right now...might as well...why does she feel this way about herself?"

This is a first. I've never heard words, just the sound of people talking. I don't know what to make of it. The weird part is how they were talking about me as if I wasn't there.

I'm not sure there are any hard and fast rules about hearing voices/schizo-affective disorders. Some people describe very real voices, other people have vivid false memories that they swear happened even though they know they are absurd memories.

I find it interesting that the words you mentioned mirror in a lot of ways the fears and self-doubts you're trying to suppress. I wonder if it would help for you to try to find a way to convince yourself that those fears and doubts are unfounded. Remind yourself that everybody has purpose -- especially you -- and you are important to people, and rail back at the voices as much as you would anyone else who talked that much shit about you.