You are describing a situation that is fueling resentment and it can take a serious toll on your overall work-life satisfaction. Often, when someone nearby is perceived as disruptive we feel devalued, dismissed, discounted or disrespected.

Frequently, the only two options we see for handling the conflict is to respond in a combative manner (fight) or totally avoid the conflict (flight/freeze/submit). Sadly, both of these strategies often do more to escalate conflict than to extinguish it. And, the opportunity to turn a conflict into a positive learning experience is lost.

Almost every conflict can produce a positive benefit. However, in order to reap that benefit we typically have to navigate through some muddy waters and hold a difficult discussion.

If you decide to hold a dialogue with this co-worker, before you get HR involved--which will open up a different can of worms--please consider the following:

- Are you willing to risk damaging or losing the relationship with your co-worker?

- Are you going to ask this person to change? If you are, you may want to think twice. It's difficult to change when we are highly motivated. It's almost impossible to change when the impetus for change is coming from an external force.

- What is the best location for holding the discussion? (Help establish a positive tone by meeting in a comfortable, neutral location.)

- What political forces may become involved in the conflict? Who needs to be involved in the implementation of a possible resolution?

- What are the possible consequences of losing emotional control or exposing a personal vulnerability?

- What level of confidentiality is reasonable to expect?

- How can the dispute be framed as a mutual problem?

Once you are ready for the difficult discussion, make sure that your attitude reflects the fact that discord is simply a natural byproduct of close human connection and almost always presents an opportunity to learn what needs to be fixed.

To put you in the right frame of mind, make a list of ten traits that your co-worker possesses that you admire and respect. Read the list over a few times. Additionally, you will want to consider the following concepts and strategies.

The following set of questions can be used to guide an effective discussion under stress:

- Where are we now?
- Where do we need to be?
- How will we get there?
- What do each of us need to do?
- How can I help you?

Be prepared for confrontation. If you are prepared you will be able to keep your cool and model the attitudes and behaviors you want. Uncontrolled emotions can harm your image, no matter how much you are provoked.

Listen and get the whole story. Active listening takes practice and an open, unbiased and uncluttered mind. The active listener is engaged in the communication process and pays strict attention to all speakers, asking appropriate, open-ended questions (how? what? when? where? who?) to probe for underlying interests and clarifying questions to verify understanding.