Off The Baggie

An incoherent collection of nonsensical ramblings at least partially based on half truths

Monday, August 20, 2007

Completely Untrue Facts: The Big Ten

In honor of the college football season, we're going conference by conference extrapolating useless facts and lies about each team. Since we live and die by the Wisconsin Badgers (we die a lot...), today we start with the Big Ten.

Illinois: In 1976, while coaching at Orville High School in Orville, Ohio, Ron Zook made extra money by working as a male stripper in nearby Wooster.

Indiana: Despite overwhelming support from the student body, the President of the University of Indiana steadfastly refuses to change the schools motto to "Texas Tech Likes Sloppy Seconds".

Iowa: Kirk Ferentz once wrote a book entitled "101 Sexual Uses for Corn, and Other Football Strategy".

Michigan: The student health administration at the University of Michigan reported a 55% increase in condom purchases during Tom Brady's time at the college.

Michigan State: Michingan State fans were the only people in the world who were suprised when Jeff Smoker admitted his addiction to drugs.

Minnesota: During his time as head coach at U of M, Glen Mason regularly "borrowed" the Goldy Gopher costume for furry parties at his house.

Northwestern: Northwestern alumni are the only people in America who aren't joking when they reference "the good old days when we had Gary Barnett"

Ohio State: Jim Tressel mistakingly thinks his sweater vests make him look sassy, when in reality they just look gay.

Penn State: Joe Pa once had a threesome with two cheerleaders in the Penn State press box, thus the name "Happy Valley".

Purdue: This spring Joe Tiller unsuccessfully petitioned for a 12th year of eligibility for Drew Brees.

Wisconsin: The Iowa Hawkeyes logo on Bret Bielema's calf covers up the original "Milwaukee Mustangs 4-Ever" tattoo he got during his time with the Arena League franchise.

Friday, August 17, 2007

The Mascots Diaries: UGA Speaks Out...

OTB: Welcome to "Off The Baggie" UGA. As our first Mascot interview, are there any words you'd like to put on the record? To "etch in stone" if you will?

UGA: Yeah. I'm going to shit in Mark Richt's hamper for making me do this. "Go give an interview to a blog" he sez. "Urban Meyer lobbied last year and it worked, we need to get our team out there in the media". So who does he send me to first? ESPN? FoxSports? CBS Sportsline? Fuck no! He couldn't even have the decency to get me a sit down with Will Leitch. Instead he sends me somewhere where the writer constantly refers to himself as "we" and hates Phil Mickelson. How's living in your Grandma's basement going for you?

OTB: Just great. I think you two have the same taste in sweaters.

UGA: Ooooh good one. You know, when girls wear these, there are boobs underneath, but I'm sure you get to see plenty of those when your masturbating to old issues of "National Geographic".

OTB: We've seen plenty of boobs in our day.

UGA: Mickleson's man jumblies don't count queer-bait.

But while we're on the topic, I really hate this damn thing? Honest to god, it itches, it's ugly, and I'm pretty sure I saw that gay Labradoodle from down the street wearing one last week. I mean, a guy can't even work the red rocket without getting it caught in some fucking cotton/wool blend that 3 malnourished children in Hong Kong got paid 4 cents a day to stitch together. It honestly looks like something that cockhat Jim Tressel would wear.

OTB: Shifting gears a bit, much has been made recently about how SEC fans are more rabid about their teams than other conferences. Do you think this is true?

UGA: Hell yeah it's true. How often have they been showing a Georgia game on TV and some douche who speaks at 1st grade level sticks his face in the camera and yells "GO DAWGS!!! WOOF WOOF WOOF!!!". When was the last time you saw a Michigan fan do the same and yell "GO WOLVERINES!!!! REOWR REOWR REOWR!!!". It never happens. And how about those poor bastards at Minnesota? What the hell kind of sound does a Golden Gopher make anyway?

OTB: Give us one good reason why the SEC is a better conference than the Big Ten.

UGA: Straight up? It's the tail man. Who would you rather have? Some crater face corn fed heifer from Illinois, or some Georgia girl whose idea of "Southern Hospitality" is 3 laps aroud the hot tub and some fuzzy handcuffs? I'll take "Southern Trespass" for $1000, Alex...

OTB: Disturbing...

UGA: I've got pictures over here if you want to see?

OTB: Ummm no...

UGA: Pussy.

OTB: Getting back on track, what is it that makes Georgia think they can contend for a National Championship this year?

UGA: The players man. If these guys play up to their full potential, we'll be unstoppable. It will be worth every dime we're paying them to finally win that National Cham.... Wait... Can you strike that last sentence from the record.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Our Apologies

First things first. We've been slacking a little bit on our sports blogging here recently. This is half due to the fact that there is a veritable cornicopia of NFL blogs that humble our little effort here, and half that the Packers sucked ass, and there are only so many "it's a rebuilding year" or "Brett Favre is still good" blog posts that we can reinvent.

Also, in a half-assed effort to bring golf blogging to the mainstream we (and by "we", I mean "I") have launched the blog Praying at Amen Corner. We promise it will be less "Titleist makes a great sand wedge" and more "Which golfer has the hottest groupies".

The year in Sports: Prequel

Here is what we believe will happen in the year in sports.

January- Leading 24-10 at halftime of the AFC Championship game, head coach Bill Belichik is occupied thoughout the second half by a group of middle aged, married, female real estate agents sitting in the 3rd row, thereby allowing Peyton Manning to pass for 3 touchdowns to finally down the Patriots.

Febuary- In a game against Phoenix, Allen Iverson and Carmelo Anthony combine to take an astonishing 72 shots. In the post-game press conference, both acknowledge that they feared they would never get to shoot if they passed the ball to the other

March- David Beckham arrives in LA early, prompting an MLS record 21,000 fans to watch Posh and Becks wait for their luggage at LAX

April- Sergio Garcia finally triumphs in a major, winning at Augusta by 3. This prompts Fuzzy Zoeller to ask if they would have Taco's and Chalupa's at the champions dinner

May- Cubs management announces their pleasure at the latest peformance of Kerry Wood (2 2/3, 1K, 6 ER), calling it his best outing in years. He is immediately placed on the 15 day DL due to "Fatigue".

June- Batting .410, Alex Rodriguez is traded to the Phillies after is it revealed that he once failed to throw a "Wassup" Derek Jeter's way when they crossed paths in the clubhouse

July- Angry at the recent publicity given Tiger Woods and the upcoming birth of his first child, Phil "FIGJAM" Mickelson announces he has fathered an illegitmate child with the black nanny of a fellow touring pro and that he will carry a pager during every round of golf, even though the child isn't due until January.

August- Despite batting below .250 and leading the league in errors since the A-Rod trade, Derek Jeter is largely held as the early AL MVP front runner, with many writes citing his "Intangibles" as their motivating factor. (This one may actually happen)

September- Tiger Woods wins the innaugural FedEx Cup despite playing the last 4 events wearing an artificial nursing bra. Spectators commented that they just thought Mickelson had been spending too much time in the tanning booth.

October- Mezmerized by his sweet swing, and umpire in Minnesota accidentaly allows Joe Mauer 6 strikes in one at bat during a playoff game against the Red Sox. He later described the batting champ as "Dreamy", to which Tom Brady immediately claimed disrespect.

November- In an effort to secure another BCS game, Boise State runs the "Hook and Ladder" for the entire first half of a game against Oregon State. They run nothing but the "Statue of Liberty" in the second, and still beat OSU by 21.

December- Golfer Phil Mickelson is jailed on simple assault charges after pummeling the writer of a half-assed sports blog for repeatedly calling him FIGJAM

Monday, December 04, 2006

End of Season College Football Awards

The Metamucil Not-So Coach of the Year Award- Last year at this time we were singing glorious songs of praise to Bobby Bowden and Joe Paterno and the coaching jobs they had both done. This year JoePa was carted off the field on a stretcher during one game and most likely shit himself during another. All this while Bowden was firing his son and cussing about the Ebay.

Most Surprising Team to Actually Finish in the Top 10- Wisconsin. Say what you will about Rutgers and their run, but how the hell did Brett Bielema and the Wisconsin Badgers make it to Bowl Selection as the #7 BCS team? Not playing Ohio State helps a little, and playing Northwestern and Buffalo late in the season helps a lot, but kudos to Bielema and the job he's done in his first season.

Team That Played the Entire Season Like They Were Hung Over- Iowa. How the hell do you go from preseason top 10 to losing to Indiana. Jesus Christ, it was Indiana. By week 6, the Drew Tate bandwagon had officially careened off a bridge and lodged itself in the sediment of the Sioux River.

Team That Waited Entirely Too Long to Fire Their Coach- North Carolina. Most would give Miami this one, but Larry Coker was just the Captain of a ship with a bad case of dry rot, and sonner or later it was going to sink. No, John Bunting was terrible for way too long. Long enough for people to assume that Butch Davis would be an upgrade.

Greatest Thing to Happen All Year- In the opening week of the season, 1-AA Montana State beat Colorado 19-10 on their own field. Montana State then proceeded to lose to Chadron State, UC Davis, and the powerhouse that is Eastern Washington. So though 4 weeks of the season, the only win that a 1-AA school had was against a program that has won a National Title in the past 20 years. God I love small school football.

Whiniest Conference in the Nation- Is it a rule that all of the SEC has to be ass-hats? Urban Meyer was admirable at Utah, but has become almost intolerable with his lobbying at Florida. This on top of the Governor of Louisiana calling Bowls to lobby for LSU. Phil Fulmer and Steve Spurrier were as annoying as always, and Tommy Tuberville (rightly so) still hasn't recovered from getting stiffed for the National Championship a few years ago. It's sad when Mark Richt is the voice of reason for your conference.

Hype Machine By-Product of the Year- Tie. Notre Dame and Brady Quinn of Notre Dame. Notre Dame is maybe the 10th best team in the Nation, yet all season long Charlie Weis cried about not getting enough Championship game discussion and then they get a BCS Bowl. Almost as bad was the constant verbal felatio doled out to Brady "My Sister Bangs AJ Hawk" Quinn, who may not even be among the 5 best quarterbacks in college football, let alone the Heisman winner.

Quarterback Who Would Win The Heisman Had He Played in a Major Conference- Hawaii's Colt Brennan. I can hear you screaming it now. "He Never Played a Good Team!!". What were we thinking? A small conference quarterback could never be any good. Just look at those Roethlisberger and Pennington guys, they really suck ass. Shut up and pay attention. In 13 games this season, Brennan has thrown 53 touchdown passes and only 11 interceptions. Small conference or not, that's a stellar fucking season.

The OhMyGodDidYouSeeThat Award- Derek Kinder, Pitt, on Darell Revis' amazing punt return. When Kinder obliterated 2 West Virginia players on one block, it likely generated approximately 200,000 phone calls, all of which went something like this... "HOLY SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT BLOCK".

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

What if the BCS Ran Everything?

Now that we are in year 9 of the BCS experiment, we decided it would be time to look back upon the college football landscape of the last quasi-decade, and, after careful consideration and multiple bong hits, we came to this conclusion: This thing really sucks ass.

Let's recap, shall we?

98-99: Controversy involving Kansas St...

00-01: Controversy involving Florida St...

01-02: Controversy involving Nebraska...

03-04: Split National Championship

04-05: Controversy involving Auburn, which subjected us to months of southern people complaining about the SEC being robbed. No one should have to deal with that...

So, once again, the BCS sucks. In yet another effort to prove this may be worse idea since that time we wore pantyhose in junior high, we took a look at what would transpire if the BCS ruled other things in life.

Major League Baseball: Riding a wave of popularity following their last minute division championship, the Minnesota Twins snuck into the #2 BCS spot, despite being behind Detroit in the computer rankings, settting them up for a 7 game World Series loss to the Yankees, the consensus #1. Left out in the cold were the St Louis Cardinals, who dropped out of the BCS picture altogether following their late season collapse...

National Football League: The Indianapolis Colts, strong all season, occuppied the first spot, taking on the New England Patriots, who went on to win their third straight BCS Championship game. #3 Denver Broncos played the #5 Seattle Seahawks after narrowly missing out on the #2 spot. BCS #8 Pittsburgh defeated at-large selection Dallas...

Job Interviews: Despite strong resumes from multiple midwestern educated candidates, the Championship comes down to the preppy kid whose dad was a founding partner but has never actually worked in his life (The ACC) and the hot girl with a huge rack that can't even type her name but draws a large TV audience (Notre Dame)...

Friday, October 06, 2006

Other Childrens Books by Athletes

If you haven't seen/heard about it by now, we have to ask which rock you've been under. T.O. is apparently writing a childrens book. While we admire the effort to steer the always impressionable youth of America in the right direction (Read: They offered him a lot of money), we have to wonder if Mr. Owens is the best person to write such a book. We can only guess that this book will include no references to teamwork, sharing, or putting others above one's self.

However, it appears as though a few other athletes have begun writing books as well, and we have a sneak peak for you.

"Living With Your Own Errors" by Alex Rodriguez- A-Rod takes the children through several scenarios involving how to deal with mistakes that you may make, even if you're in unfamiliar territory. Read along as Little Alex battles his archnemesis D-Rek Jester for the affections of the fans of the Whinerville Nine.

"Electricity and You: That's No Fun" by Mathias Askew- Mathis preaches the dangers of electricity to the kids, reminding them to stay away from exposed wires, downed power lines, and police tasers.

"Always Take Your Vitamins" by Barry Bonds- Little Barry and his sidekick Schmalco help the kids to best decide which vitamins are best for them.

"Potty Training is Fun" by Najeh Davenport- A "Choose Your Own Adventure" story, Najeh leads the children through various scenarios, all of which lead to someone pooping in a hamper

"Never Huff Glue" by Barbaro- You are a horse. You can not write. This will not be written for you

"Little Derek and His Intangibles of Greatness" by John Kruk and Jeff Brantley- Possessing powerful intangibles that are never revealed, Little Derek single handedly solves all violent crimes, cures cancer, and reunites the The BeeGee's over the course of 4 hours on an October tuesday.

"Always Hug Your Friends" by Harold Reynolds- The moral of the story is that hugging is always acceptable, and should always be the way to end a day, or a trip to Outback.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

In Defense of Torii

I believe it was Richard Milhouse Nixon who said it best:

"Well, I screwed it up real good, didn't I?"

Today there was hope. Sweet, beautiful, omnipotent hope. Cuddyer raised the pot 1, and Morneau called his bet to make it 2 all. It was a beautiful thing, watching those balls leave the park. It was almost as if Kent Hrbek had pulled Ron Gant off 1st base once again.

And then disaster stuck...

Were we a Yankees blog, and it was A-Rod who misplayed the ball, we'd call for his head, demand he be traded, and then sing the praises of the one called Derek because, as we all know, he is infallible.

But alas, we are but a humble Twins blog, and that's not the kind of thing we do here (unless you Phil Mickelson... We hate that fatass). Here we offer kind words, useless statistics, and the occasional joke involving facial hair or what remains of Christian Guzman's pride.

As our 4 faithful readers can tell you (Hi Mom!!!), we rarely speak in derogatory tones regarding any of our beloved Twins, and we're not about to start. 5 years, 5 Gold Gloves and 4 AL Central crowns have helped to solidify our undying faith in Torii Hunter, and one misplayed ball in center field won't even come close to changing that. Torii is a part of Twins history.