In particular, Sarah's dad loves Chicago, which gets us talking about the brassy horns of "Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?" Then Mark uses his "skeezy lounge lizard" voice, Sarah goes deep with road trip memories, and John Fogerty gets confused with J. Geils. Mark's dad won't be happy about that last one.

This week's theme song is by David Gregory Byrne. If you like MASTAS, won't you leave us a five-star review on iTunes? It helps our numbers and it makes us feel great. And definitely follow us on Twitter at TalkSongs!

Coming soon from MASTAS: Enya; a definitive Madonna ranking; and the worst of winter-holiday pop!

THE VID

NB: This version has the piano intro, cut for time from the radio edit but well known to those of us whose paternal units balked at fast-forwarding through the infernal tinkling before the horns came blasting to the rescue…

Hey, remember when Chicago was on the My Girl soundtrack? "Saturday In The Park" is probably the third of the three top tens Mark references in this episode. (…Remember when My Girl was released TWENTY-FIVE YEARS AGO?! Where does the time go.)

Chicago's IMDb page is pretty amazing, too (uncredited in a Northern Exposure episode playing "25 or 6 to 4")

Today's nomination comes from Charlie, who brings us The Long Kiss Goodnight. I've never seen it (me, browsing its IMDb entry: "Patch Abbott from Everwood is in this?!), so I'll let Chas take it from here.

lengthy? 121 minutes, but with TNT commercials considerably longer.

familiar/frequent? Seen on the reg through TNT/TBS through most of the early 2000s.

classic/award-winner? Uhh, nominated for a Saturn, an Image, and a Young Artist Award?

"Greetings, Professor Falken" (big payoff/long-shot victory a la WarGames)? She remembers an entire life that was repressed and then comes out victorious WHILE reconciling her true identity and the life she created out of her cover story. That's a pretty long shot. Plus using a plastic peeing doll to blow stuff up.

"Wanna have a catch?" (Pavlovian tear-jerk; anything with dads opens the ducts for this guy)? It's not dads, but I'm crying right now remembering her yelling at her daughter to be tough and not cry.

quote-fest? Samuel L. at his quotable best: "When you make assumptions, you make an ass out of me and umption." And pretty much everything out of Brian Cox's mouth.

caper-ish or -adjacent camaraderie? Not so much with the capering, but unexpected sudden camaraderie is in full effect between the failure of a private dick and sexy assassin.

"forget you, melon farmer" (you own it, but will still watch bowdlerized TV verzh) I own this movie, but I'm pretty sure 90% of the frillion times I've watched it, it was on cable. There is no turning off the TV when TLKG is on.

I use this movie not just to remember the correct lyrics to "I'd Really Love To See You Tonight," but as a key point in any Seven Degrees game as it features David Morse, Samuel L. Jackson, Geena Davis, Brian Cox, and Craig Bierko. If I can't get to someone from those points, I need to hang up my game.

Thanks, Sars! I love this concept and, as always, your words!

Well, now I have to watch this. I do agree that it used to be on cable constantly 10-15 years ago, but does everyone else feel as fondly towards it as Charlie? Or…are you confusing it with The Long Goodbye like I always do? Discuss!

The Poppy-Fields Movie Couch Of Fame is here. To nominate your own PFM, email bunting at tomatonation dot com with a rundown of the criteria and your argument for why it deserves a cushion. If I use your entry, free loot shall be thine.

I first mentioned the concept in a very old piece from the "Tomato Nation? It's a web journal" days, but I don't remember when I started pairing it with the poppy fields from The Wizard of Oz. In any case: it's a film you can't not watch when it comes on, whether it's cycling through on HBO or cut up in a hundred pieces on Sunday-afternoon basic cable. You know what happens. You could recite what happens from memory. Sometimes, the memory isn't even that good, because a poppy-fields movie doesn't rely on quality to becalm you, one boot laced up and the other resting patiently on its side, as you get ready to go out or sit down for a TV break between chores.

What does it rely on? Familiarity, partly; a handful of performances in The Godfather get worse with each viewing, but it's a worse I can sing along with. Length helps too, at least for me — many of the films on my all-time poppy-fields list clock in at three hours with commercials. Often there's a moment or scene at the end that I have some Pavlovian need to rewatch, some victory or reunion that gives me a thrill. Sometimes it's straight-ahead quotable fun. Sometimes it's all of those things. Sometimes I own it on DVD/iTunes and I STILL can't pry myself away from a 3 PM showing on TBS.

"Wanna have a catch?" (Pavlovian tear-jerk; anything with dads opens the ducts for this guy)

quote-fest

I'd add caper-ish or -adjacent camaraderie to my personal list

"forget you, melon farmer" (you own it, but will still watch it chopped up with ads/bunged up with fake curse words)

Rarely will a movie score on all of those. It does seem like you need at least three to land a cushion on the PFM Couch Of Fame, but it's no guarantee; Gone With The Wind is endless, rerun frequently, won awards, and owns the AFI top-quotes list — and I find it unbearable.

We bought at the bottom of the market but still paid too much for our house, a creaking lemon held together by wood paneling and ancient nests of wiring.

Then, with the piecemeal renovations that we came to think of as the real-estate equivalent of performing organ transplants on ourselves while competing in a triathlon, the waterfall that sprang up in a light fixture after a blizzard, the squirrel that found a long-capped chimney and died in it and took only a few days short of forever to finish decaying, the unsistered roof beams, the toilet older than the plumber who came to give it last rites, the house became a family member like any other, maddening, inconsiderate, expensive, and your best barefoot comfort. It's just a house, I suppose, and now that we've begun to outgrow it — the creature-to-bathroom ratio, don't you know — I should begin to pull away from it in my heart, replace stories with numbers, businesslike.

Easier said than done when I got married in the yard, under a tree that keeps doubling in size, before D3 made a birdhouse at school and hung it from the branch over the walkway. When I came back from my first date with Dirk, into the downstairs kitchen to report to Gen. "How'd it g–" "HE WAS ON UNSOLVED MYSTERIES." When, on our second date, Dirk forgot to turn off Broker Voice and informed me while almost falling down the front steps that "these aren't up to code."

Stairs, our neighbor has informed us many many times, poured by the guy who poured the concrete for the World Trade Center. Our neighbor used to own our house; his house goes back generations in his family. This house winds through an inherited parcel, chopped up by the assigns of a man named Drake in the 1880s, through a Thos. Seward, inspector of city highways (and his stepson, the improbably poetic Eugene Maker the undertaker), and then an investor who bought the house the day after Mr. S was born, and then our neighbor, and our neighbor's tenants (a veteran named Mouse; the residents of a large fish tank), to us, our stoop sales and paint chips, the dumbwaiter we never got around to installing, the crawlspace. God, that crawlspace. Is it a requirement that such areas contain at least one (1) rusted spring and one (1) doll part? Whatever fatal set-to occurred between an old mattress and a Betsy Wetsy at the top of this building once upon a time, the jetsam is too creepy to confront. The next owners can clear it out if they're feeling strong. Maybe they'll also find the packet of Monopoly money we plastered into a gap in the kitchen wall, as a joke. Maybe we'll leave them my office door — it didn't have one, so Dirk had a vintage one shipped from a Midwestern salvage lot, the kind with frosted ripple glass and a flaking porcelain knob. Maybe we'll take it with us and I'll finally get "HOMICIDE" lettered onto it like I've threatened to for years.

Or maybe the next owners will tear the whole thing down and start over. Maybe they won't think, like I do, like I wish I didn't because sentimentality is exhausting, that buildings can have souls of their own, the accumulation of all the stories on all the storeys therein, and the protection of that accumulation. That they won't become becalmed as I might in 20 Questions in the car, coming back from the last trip of summer, looking out the window in stop-and-go traffic at leaves with a knife edge of yellow or down at my flip-flops with their mealy soles, and it's my turn to pick something so I pick "home."

"Person, place, or thing."
"…Yes?"

("Is it Don?" Hey, not everything comes to an end. Happy birthday, friend.)

]]>http://tomatonation.com/stories-true-and-otherwise/person-place-or-thing/feed/35Order Of The Shallows: US Open 2016http://tomatonation.com/culture-and-criticism/order-of-the-shallows-us-open-2016/
http://tomatonation.com/culture-and-criticism/order-of-the-shallows-us-open-2016/#commentsMon, 05 Sep 2016 19:50:37 +0000http://tomatonation.com/?p=14585

Hellew! Buntsy here. Welcome back to the tennis hotness rankings — now known to those with the secret handshake (oh yeah: that's you) as the Order Of The Shallows! And we've got a new pledge!

The Open's posting a huge gain in hotness over recent Slams (not that that's saying much, Andeh), but to make sure I've gauged it correctly, Poobahs John Ramos, Joe Reid, and I are joined by Zach Wilcha, who lives and works in Philadelphia but can be found lurking and judging full-time on Twitter at @itsonlyzach; regular Paul Quinn; and first-time Shallowser Mohn Jackenroe, because it's about damn time we got the straight man's perspective.

In case you missed our French Open Rankings: What does our minor rebranding mean? N…ot a whole lot, except that we're going to rank all kinds of foxy moving forward: tennis, baseball, Emmy supporting actors, presidents, you name it. Got a suggestion for a Shallows hotness ranking? Leave it in the comments!

Quinn: Of course, the one shallows slam I sit out is when Tsonga places first. Cute as a button (Word autocorrected this to "bottom," haaayy) and hot AF.

John: After having found him lackluster in many previous editions, I'm glad to see he's still putting effort into his hair game. This year is a good look for you, dude.

Joe: Old reliable. I feel like we should give him a lifetime achievement award for his years of making sure these rankings never fall into total despair.

Sarah: Not sure what changed here — he lost some weight, it's the longer hair, or maybe he's just one of the few foxes truly suited to the uber-loud court attire everyone busts loose with at Forest Hills — but I am front-row here for it.

Zach: Barrel-chested with a perfect smile and rough around the edges. Just enough self-awareness to know to pose naked occasionally.

Sarah: Totally your younger brother's friend who hit on you for years because you both knew it wouldn't go anywhere and he could just test out his shit, and then one day you're like, ha ha EXCEPT ALSO HMMMM.

Zach: Tennis's pretty boy who forgot to play tennis for a while. His movie-star good looks make me willing to forgive him for allegedly choosing Maria over Serena. Deducted points for making me think of Federer.

Mohn: I don't know why you need more explanation than the photo above. He's like the male Kournikova, not-great results paired with exceptional good looks.

Joe: Okay, this one would not be nice to your mom. He'll barely be nice to YOU. I'll freely admit that the prep-school brat who'll only make out with you when nobody else can see it is a shameful type to hold dear. And yet. What a fox.

Quinn: Gorgeous.

3 Novak Djokovic
ATP Rank: 1
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, T1, 2

Mohn: Djokovic is an amazing player whom I have loved hating for an entire decade now, and the lithe grace of both his style of play and body (seriously, does he have an eleventy-pack at this point?) are something to behold. But the man's face is goofy. I'm sorry, it is. It's goofy. He's got a kind of Beaker thing going on with his mouth and his ears are gradually fleeing from his head. He also has Lego-man hair.

Sarah: I love Djoko, but he's had an underwhelming tourney and he seems impatient and over it. Feels like I'd be giving him the "it happens to everyone, it's probably just stress!" talk.

Zach: His cry face at the Olympics made me realize he’s entering his Dustin Diamond phase.

John: People were shocked at Novak's R32 loss to Sam Querrey at Wimbledon, but I choose to believe he looked around at the unprecedentedly bleak landscape at Wimbledon and peaced out rather than sully his personal Hotness brand with that shit. Glad to have you back, old friend; now win again lest we get hit with the era of Murray. (Is that what they mean when they say "winter is coming"?)

Joe: Tough to say how Novak's looking this time around since his opponents won't let him play a for-gods-sake match. I'll say this, though: that post-match song-and-dance to Lesser Phil Collins (don't get much lesser than "I Can't Dance") after Round 1 killed a part of my boner that I might never get back.

Quinn: Okay, look. Everything is perfect: the body, the hair, the game, the attitude. But I'm with Zach; it wouldn't hurt to eat a bowl of refined pasta once in a while.

4 Illya Marchenko
ATP Rank: 63
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a

Sarah: I love that, when you image-search Marchenksie, the results screen is 70 percent Kyrgios. …jk, I don't love that. Eat all the bees, Nicky. Anyway: Marchenko. The on-court faces suggest a desperate need for a Costco pallet of Metamucil like yesterday, but when he's not overbiting at a cross-court forehand from under a stupid hat — or rolling his eyes at 1) a risible boo-boo-kitty acting job by his opponent that 2) the booth seems suspiciously unprepared to call bullshit on, and yes, I understand that Kyrgios is not in the rankings, but you can't have thought I'd let that shit go, McEnroes — he's pretty attractive in that carved-out-of-steppe-rock way.

Zach: No one ever suspects a surprise Ukrainian ginger to show up at the party, but this one is somehow adorable?

Quinn: This guy has everything: the Eastern European look with a touch of Norwegian and a shade of Irish ginger that is making me seriously lose my shit. He reminds me of all the guys I fell in unrequited love with in college.

Mohn: He's like a pool boy in a suburban housewife's fantasies in the 1950s. Hubba hubba.

John: Another frat-hat disciple and another one whose skin color suggests he grew up in a root cellar; another one that's working for me. Hey dude, are your biceps actually tearing tiny rips in your sleeves? Come closer so I can see for sure.

Joe: The Gallant to Jack Sock's Goofus. How cute is this kid??

5 Rafael Nadal
ATP Rank: 5
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, 4

Quinn: Nadal topping Lopez after winning in Rio gave me such priapism I thought I'd need medical attention. Who needs a blue pill when you have an image of that?

John: I'm very happy for Rafa and his fans that he and his arms and ass seem to be having at least a meaningful-ish comeback. I wish, however, I could say the same for his hair; it by turns looks like an animal pelt and like it's been drawn on. We know from Uncle Toni still coaching you that you hate change, Rafa, but it's beyond time to figure out a new concept.

Joe: Welcome back, sweet cheeks. That hair might be weak, but the arms are still more than willing. And while one last Slam championship is what I really want for him, a return to the Shallows rankings is a decent ancillary benefit.

Sarah: Never have I more admired his psychological makeup on the court, the ability to stay in it in his head, than I have in this Open — and never has he looked, IMO, more Hatosian, but the thing is the hair is becoming a maaaaaaje prob, you guys. Like, "maybe it's that time where you Agassi it" maje.

Mohn: It's a crisis time for Rafa Nadal right now. He's failed to make it past the quarters of the last ten majors, and he's failed to figure out what to do with his balding pattern. I'm worried if he shaves it he'll end up looking like Nosferatu, but right now he looks a bit like he wants to tell you about the veal parmigiana at his family's restaurant.

Zach: My ideal. Looking better all the time, even though he’s seemingly at the tail end of his career. But no one does "tail end" like Rafa. His wrist injury was from tennis. Mine is from Rafael Nadal.

6 Lucas Pouille
ATP Rank: 25
Previous Hotness Ranks: 2, n/a, n/a

Joe: Stiffer competish than when he was holding up the Wimbledon rankings with both hands, but he still does it for me, glamour shot and all.

Quinn: How much more French can this guy get? None, none more French. Arguably has the most beautiful eyes on the tour (but please don't pull that psycho "I just beat Nadal" look again).

Sarah: The wheaty-scruffy Borg-manqué thing is not necessarily for me all the time, but there's something about a man who can wear jewelry with authority, I don't know. I also spent a decent portion of the weekend imagining an animated series, Puig 'n' Pouille, in which the embattled Dodgers outfielder and ol' Luc play games and solve crimes.

Mohn: This

is the face of a guy who owns a bearskin rug exclusively for fuckin'.

Zach: Blonds are almost never my thing, but he's taken the helm of Western European frat boy realness from Andreas Seppi and improved upon it. Best Lucas since the Winona Ryder movie.

Mohn: French Bulldog from the neck up, hot side of beef from the neck down. Stanimal is jolie laide personified.

Zach: Why does he always look like he's about to sneeze? In the grand tradition of Zbornakian Stans past, he makes you want to root for him as an underdog even if you find him the opposite of attractive.

John: Stan, your inconsistency and indifferent approach to the game after a couple big successes have caused to you lose your Hotness luster and, frankly, make me wonder about your long-term viability as a sex partner. (But on the plus side, at least the clothes you've been sporting this tournament aren't a public menace.)

Joe: Forever my husband. Or he would be if he didn't think marriage held him back from on-court greatness.

Quinn: Contractually obliged to play a minimum of one crazy five-setter each slam and induce anxiety across all the time zones. I'm not sure about the color he's chosen for his outfit this year (girl, mauve?) even though he's paired it with his shoelaces. But who am I kidding? Perennially hot.

Sarah: I thought Daniel Evans might quick-pitch my man Stan Vav right out of this thing, and that would be a pity, because this happened:

John: If we were rating the Hotness of people's forehands, he'd be No. 1 for all time, I think. As it is, I still love my long-limbed potato nose, and he's killing it with this comeback; he's only a bit lower on my personal list because this field is waaaay hotter than usual.

Joe: "Frankenstein's monster if Dr. Frankenstein only had Dave Annable and a Stretch Armstrong doll to work with" still doesn't quite do it for me, but I'm happy for his comeback. In the abstract, at least.

Zach: By all accounts he's a gentle giant and a friendly guy. But the Order of the Shallows is not here to make friends. Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley's estate has a good case for trademark infringement. ["Just a reminder that participants do not see each other's submissions prior to publication." – SDB.]

Mohn: Del Potro is the most likable guy on tour, has the best forehand around, and is in the midst of an amazing comeback. Is that enough to make him hot even though he kind of looks like a hirsute Eagle? You bet your ass it is.

Sarah: The longer his comeback narrative goes on, the paler and more in need of a meatball sub my man DelPo looks. I admit he's partly coasting on vintage goodwill here, versus legit hotness, but since it's nothing a naked nap draped in a Buntsy blanket wouldn't fix…

Quinn: An infinite supply of goodwill for taking out Madame in '09. Still sexy. Will always be sexy, and belies the notion that Argentine men don't age well.

Zach: If, like me, you've got very specific role-play fantasies about Rolf from The Sound of Music, Thiem would do in a pinch.

John: It's weird how short a memory the tennis calendar can give you; through the French Thiem was all anyone was talking about, and now he's running through the draw almost unnoticed. But not by the Hotness Council, I suspect. I have pretty simple tastes; the accompanying photo is working for me.

Quinn: He looks like he wandered from a Singer/Emmerich pool party and into a Nick Bollettieri training camp and then onto a court.

Joe: Swoon. SWOOOOOON. He's like the dream date in the board game where Bart Simpson ended up with the Milhouse-looking dud. Lithe and tanned and symmetrical; would probably be really polite to your mom. Or at least charmingly aloof. Gah…swoon.

Mohn: I genuinely believe that Thiem will one day win Slams and will also one day be hot. Not this day, mind you. But one day. One day.

10 Gael Monfils
ATP Rank: 12
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a

Zach: His movement, flexibility, and unpredictability would never outweigh how often you'd be disappointed when he consistently stopped short of the finish line.

Mohn: The man has a perfect body, has more natural talent than anyone, and likes to drink Coke on changeovers and tie his shoes during points. If he just sorted out the hair and the goatee, he'd probably move up a couple places.

Quinn: I could work out every day for the rest of my life, and I'd never have arms as perfect as his. Devastating physique. I wish he'd play topless. Phwoar.

Joe: He will never not remind me of Theo from Real World: Chicago, but that's not a bad thing. This new "just woke up from 375 consecutive naps" on-court look might be.

John: Anyone who marches to a drummer this different has a pretty good chance to be considered hot in my book, but he doesn't need the help. Not sure I could keep up with his undoubtedly innovative ideas in the bedroom; willing to try.

Joe: I like to imagine that Marcos spends all his free time in a banana hammock and nothing else on some beach in Cyprus, and you can't tell me otherwise.

Sarah: I started to snark on MarBaghs for being the Ron Silver of the tennis tour, but then, I always thought Ron Silver was sort of sexy in a "hate-fuck a conservative today!" way? And also Silver played Bobby Riggs in that horrendo TV movie.

Zach: The once fiery Cypriot has a Droopy Dog thing going on that I should hate more than I do.

Quinn: The fuck with the hair? I sincerely hope that the text he sent his wife was to ask if he should shave his head again and that her one-word reply was YES.

John: I have the utmost respect for Marcos's game and his hair is actually looking better than it has in years, but his face is still the equivalent of a scrunchie to me.

Mohn: The very last player Andre Agassi beat during his pro career has been looking like a MAD Magazine caricature of himself for at least a decade now. ["NB: No fewer than three Shallows commentators submitted this identical photo." – SDB.]

11 (tie) Kei Nishikori
ATP Rank: 7
Previous Hotness Ranks: 7, 6, T11

Joe: It says a lot about the relative (and welcome) strength of the field in Flushing that Little Lord Nishikori ranks at the bottom of my list. In fuggier installments, he's been a solid mid-packer. All these years we've been waiting for Kei to put some age on that boarding-school frame. Now that he has…is it weird to say the kid looks tired? The kid looks tired.

Quinn: I'd French the face off of him, even if it meant my tongue getting shredded to pieces. I don't know if he should do a Jiggly Caliente and have those molars fixed. Either way, hot.

Mohn: Almost as impossible to look at as he is to root for.

John: That grill. I can't.

Sarah: Digging the longer hair, but: what Juanito said.

Zach: He's right in my lane, though I know he's not for everyone. Perfect calves, if you're into that. Important: he's around my size, so if we married, we could share a wardrobe.

13 Jack Sock
ATP Rank: 27
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a

Quinn: None of it works. The teeth. The hair. The name. None of it.

Mohn: It's a good field this year. We've gotten all the way to the eleven spot before hitting a player I wouldn't have sex with. Sock might hit the hardest, spinningest forehand on tour, but he still looks like a block of mild cheddar. He has a chin-stripe stubble beard because it's the only way you'd know he has a chin.

Zach: Cornfed, hairy, and Midwestern, he's growing into his face. Has the BEST name, even if his looks don't exactly inspire the need to have an eponymous one nearby.

John: I feel like Sock, for some time now, has been auditioning to take over the snarky American role that Andy Roddick's retirement vacated. And that's not the best look, but it's also not the worst? Anyway, his default face still screams "mouth-breather," but he gets some credit for sparing us having to write about Cilic again.

Joe: He's not the cutest guy in Alpha Kappa Beer Pong, but he's not the ugliest either. Better still, he wears his frattiness like a second skin, which you wouldn't think would be a compliment, but it totally is. He's the good rush chair. The one you get the year after sanctions.

Sarah: Would have dee-stroyed in the Wimbledon Shallows. Here in September, the sense that he's got a pocket in his racket bag for a headgear with skate stickers on it ain't gonna cut it.

14 Kyle Edmund
ATP Rank: 84
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a

Zach: Taking time off from being the villain in the Da Vinci Code film series to play professional tennis must be tough.

John: I've said it before, but despite my archive of commentary on the clock-stopping faces of Andy Murray, I do love many a pasty Brit. Cute face, hot body, and his win over Jizzner makes me love his translucent skin even more. (For evidence, check out his farmer's tan in the accompanying photo.)

Joe: On the scale of "Looks REAL British," young master Edmund would have ranked below his countryman Daniel "Ewen Bremner, Amirite?" Evans, but Kyle still looks like Mumsy and Papa (accent on the second syllable, of course) sent him away to Manchestershire-Upon-Essex until he passed his A-levels. Honestly? He's kind of a button, but it's a stronger than usual field.

Mohn: Extensive research reveals that I still have no idea who this guy is. He looks like an extra in the background of an episode of Coupling where the boys and girls go to different bars.

Sarah: I guess he doesn't REALLY look that much like Jesse Plemons, but Dirk and I could not stop calling him shit like "Todd" and "Crucifictennis."

John: Aaaaaahhhhhhh, a 16 next to Murray means my world makes sense again.

Joe: I feel like I've been a broken record lately but: I've been coming around on Andy as of late. And yet still he can throw in a match like Saturday's against Lorenzi which put me right back in my old mode of aggravation. "WHY DON'T YOU JUST LOSE???" I screamed as Andy doofed his way into trouble and then doofed his way right out of it. So since I'm in a throwback mood, to the bottom of the ranks he goes.

Sarah: I can't explain it, because it's not like any of the facts on the ground have changed — the neckbeard, the horrifying 32-car pileup that is his celebrictus, the…"hair" — but I've grown rather fond of the lost Gentleman from Buffy.

Zach: When the devil came to make the deal with his mom, she traded acceptable face and hair for future Wimbledon titles.

Quinn: I'll never be able to deal fully. He seems like a decent guy off the court but is the only player on the tour who can celebrate winning Wimbledon by getting pissed at Lendl for sneaking out to go numero dos.

Mohn: Sigh. This is the opposite of the Djokovic situation. I like Andy Murray and his love of Playstation games and forthright advocacy for women's equality on tour, but facts are facts, and the fact is, he is never going to be higher than 14 on these rankings.

16 Ivo Karlovic
ATP Rank: 23
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a

Mohn: Of the over-140MPH servers, Karlovic is probably my favorite, just because watching an Ent play tennis is really something else. Still, he looks like he should be hanging out at The Black Lodge warning you that the owls are not what they seem.

Joe: I suppose when you name your kid "Ivo Karlovic," you can't entirely be surprised when he grows up to look like the least interesting member of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.

Sarah: It's too soon to reuse the Lurch joke, right?

Zach: No. And "serve and Groot" is my least favorite style of tennis.

Quinn: Any casting director who is searching for a villain for Forbrydelsen 4, here you go. Makes Berdych look like the guy you'd take home to your ma.

John: It's so nice that Ivo's having such a great year right before he reprises his Twin Peaks role as the giant.

Hi there! John Ramos here. Welcome back once again to the tennis hotness rankings — now known to those with the secret handshake (oh yeah: that's you) as the Order Of The Shallows!

Sarah has decamped for a vacation, probably ever more needed thanks to the historic dearth of hotness talent in this year's Wimbledon R16, but while she's handed off admin duty to yours truly, she is still participating in ranking these "worthy" contestants, along with myself and Poobahs Joe Reid and Zach Wilcha, the latter of whom can be seen living and working in Philadelphia but can be found lurking and judging full-time on Twitter at @itsonlyzach. Our other regular Poobah, Paul Quinn, is celebrating Canada Day Weekend as we in the U.S. watch enviously, but will rejoin us for the US Open 2016.

In case you missed our French Open Rankings: What does our minor rebranding mean? N…ot a whole lot, except that we're going to rank all kinds of foxy moving forward: tennis, baseball, Emmy supporting actors, presidents, you name it. Got a suggestion for a Shallows hotness ranking? Leave it in the comments!

Until then, on to 2016 Wimbledon. Remember the Game Of Thrones finale when we were told winter is finally here? The coldness of these Wimbledon fourth-rounders is enough to make me believe they weren't just talking about Westeros. But we can't have a sixteen-way tie for last (can we?) so here's how we ranked the participants.

John: This above reaction, after he came back from two sets down to dispatch Jizzner, does a lot to combat the boringness that's plagued Jo in these rankings. Plus the hair is suddenly working for me again.

Joe: I was watching Wimbledon with a non-tennis-watching friend over the weekend, and he ended up dubbing Tsonga "President Booty." Can't argue with that.

Sarah: I miss the fauxhawk and he's still a snoozer, but this field is his best shot at a number one OOTS ranking.

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Sing a Tsonga Sixpence." Jo-Willie is famous for looking like Muhammad Ali (which is not a bad thing at all), but he should also get some credit for his own killer smile, barrel chest, and his propensity to take his shirt off very often.

Joe: Wimbledon 2016 was especially cruel when it came to dangling primo hotness-ranking candidates in front of us, only to snatch them away. Sascha Zverev, Andrey Kuznetsov, Grigor Dimitrov, Feliciano Lopez. There's hope for more aesthetically pleasing Slams to come, but for now, Wimbledon was a wasteland. In a perfect world, Lucas Pouille would be a solid mid-packer. In this ocean of fug, he is a buoy of passable cuteness.

Sarah: It's not hopeless; there's a Chris Pratt thing happening, maybe, from certain angles. But he beat Del Potro to get here, and I cannot and will not forgive.

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Lucas Hey Something Smells Pouille." He could use a hot oil treatment, and facial hair is his friend. All and all, he has potential to grow into someone worth looking at.

John: Now that my beloved Andreas Seppi has most likely aged out of these rankings, I'm thrilled to have another blond Euro-frat surf dude taking his place. He's not perfect, but that's hardly the standard in this field.

Sarah: With the grain-of-salt observation that, really, we should be simulcasting this Order Of The Shallows ceremony from Ontario, because the shit is Grimsby: Steve's got promise. The delicious arms don't quite cancel out the six-head, but again, it's a thin round. Rull thin.

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Stevie Lyndon Baines Johnson." Steve has an inoffensive All-American look and if you Google it [or use it as your photo – John] , you'll find he can flex a pretty impressive bicep. In this bleak landscape of fug, that's enough to put him near the top.

John: In the state of today's world, I thank Stevie for giving us the only acceptable kind of gun show. Bland-ish with unnecessary beard otherwise, but that's not a killer here.

Joe: He's got a Todd Martin quality to his beardy-vs.-non-beardy looks. This isn't a good thing. For this we lost Dimitrov!

4 Tomas Berdych
ATP Rank: 9
Previous Hotness Ranks: T10, n/a, n/a, 11

Joe: My line with Berdych has always been that my hating him is really the only appeal he holds. But the longer he goes without actively pissing me off, the more he just seems like a stalk of celery out there.

Sarah: I'm into the craggy evolution of Berdych, though he's never not going to look like he's late on filing a Luftwaffe flight plan. Not so into it that I'd slot him this high in any other draw, but in 2016, boring is a sweet relief.

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Tomas Early Berdych Gets The Wormych." I still contend that a normal-sized Tomas would be a handsome gentleman, though lipless and bland. I hope his wife calls him her Czech mate.

John: Agree with Sarah that age is helping him look less computer-generated. The search party for a personality still hasn't returned, though.

5 Nick Kyrgios
ATP Rank: 18
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, 8, n/a, n/a,

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Nick Kyrgios Eleison." A Greek-Malaysian tennis player with swag, on paper, should be in my wheelhouse. But this seemingly hard-living 21-year-old looks like she's been THROUGH IT. You'd think someone who tanked as many sets as he has would have more time for rest.

John: Sure, from certain angles you'd want to hit that. But I feel like when it comes down to it he's just the bad-boy version of a basic bitch. Also: Asshole.

Joe: Look, I find his whole bratty take on having a "personality" incredibly objectionable, and on top of that he has a rat face. But there's no denying that there's a jerkish appeal at work, even at the most hate-yourself-for-it levels.

Sarah: Nicky's a tough one. First of all, he's a major two-face — Kevin Anderson levels of fuglor in some shots, Drake foxy in others. Second of all, I don't know whether he's a jerky screamer on the reg or if recent outbursting is an anomaly, but he looks like he's kind of a cock personality-wise, and not in the fun-hate-fuckish sort of way, but in the watching-himself-in-the-mirror kind of way. Luckily for him, he's in a ranking with Marin Cilic.

6 Andy Murray
ATP Rank: 2
Previous Hotness Ranks: 13, T13, n/a, 16

John: I feel like I'm betraying the absent Paul Quinn, but I can't deny any of what Sarah's saying. What is the state of tennis Hotness that it's come to this?

Joe: I find myself coming around to Murray as a person and even as a player (though my dominant expression while watching him is still "DAMN IT, Andy!"). He is by all accounts a good guy. One of the goodest guys on the tour. He's creeping up my rankings. But he can only creep so far.

Sarah: Okay, well, this is all just so much rationalizing, but I kind of like the longer hair when it's actually looking like hair and not a cobwebby trapezoid. The body is, as it has historically been, totally there; he still sounds hot. And my man is totally bootstrapping with this shit

but bless his heart for doing so, because by the time I got to him in my write-ups I was legit about to start crying.

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Andy Dick Murray." Truly, tennis's butterface, he does to "No! face" what Meg Ryan did for "O-face." New male-pattern balding may take care of his nest of hair once and for all.

Sarah: If he kept his mouth closed, I could hang, but good luck finding a picture of the guy when that piranha grill isn't blighting the entire landscape. It is worse than Murray's. I am NOT a crackpot.

Zach: alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Kei Hole Nishikori." Kei is lithe and packs a grade-A behind into those Uniqlo shorts. He also constantly looks uncomfortable and awkward in his surroundings, which I like in a man because it makes me think I've got a chance.

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Milos Angeles Lakers Raonic." I'll never think of him as anyone but Canada's Chief Wiggum. The arm-condom sleeve is a boner-killer.

John: Can't imagine going anywhere near his mouth with that Venus Flytrap of a tongue.

Joe: These are dark times when ol' farty-face Milos is rounding out my top five. Sometimes, having all the ingredients and not photographing those ingredients all that well trumps having none of the ingredients.

Sarah: Raonsie pulled an eye-roll the other day, captured by the Montreal Gazette, that I found utterly charming in a Stephen Curry way. That said: boss, if God wanted your tongue to spend that much time outside your mouth he'd have made it your nose. Find another way.

John: I always found him more Pinocchio than Madame, but Sarah and I are at different ends of the same party here. Plus: Asshole.

Joe: If he wasn't such a cock, I'd probably be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt as a lithe, if bland, slice of passable Aussie. But he is SUCH a cock. Mostly on the court, but occasionally off.

Sarah: I meeeeeean here's the problem: I've spent the last couple days watching Happy Valley's second series, and once I saw the resemblance to Shirley Henderson, I couldn't unsee it — and even without that unfortunate comparison, Fed is not the only player in these rankings to come down with a scorching case of Madame-itis.

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Bernie TomicDonald Had a Farm." This more-angular Jughead who jumped off the comic page is cute from certain vantage points, but not enough of them.

John: Sure, everyone thought it sounded good to knock Novak out for the sake of new blood. To them I say: A next-level mouth-breather is what you deserve.

Joe: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Sarah: Nice as it is of him to shake up the roster a bit, Lipless Poor Man's James Marsden is the very definition of "careful what you wish for."

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "SAMerica the Beautiful." His assured handling of Novak Djokovic made him seem sexy for five seconds. Alas, it was not enough to make us forget that he appeared on Millionaire Matchmaker.

Sarah: I just don't have anything else to say about ol' Recedinghairlinedict Burntumberbatch. I've even run out of nut-pun nicknames for the guy. I will say that I'm starting to admire his ability to replicate that same Beaker face on every groundstroke. The face itself: pas d'écrou, friendo.

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Dicque Fromage." Last time I said he could not look more French, and then he proved me wrong by coming to Wimbledon only to surrender.

John: I feel like we're close to Gasquet's face, as Saffy from Absolutely Fabulous would put it, "sliding off the bone like a well-cooked chicken."

Joe: Still circulating my petition to have Richard forced to shave his head.

14 Marin Cilic
ATP Rank: 13
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, T13, 6, 7

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "Marin Netflix And Cilic." The chasm between Croat and Serbian tennis hotness is wide, but a Borna Coric breakthrough could change things. Until then, this lanky, animatronic tree is what you get from the Slavic coast.

John: The Jon Favreau of tennis; starting from a not-great place and getting much worse.

Joe: He's never been my fave, and the fact that his playing style bores me to tears has never helped, but unlike a lot of these "cute on the court, cracked lens on the camera" guys, he can photograph well.

Sarah: Imagine Sparky Polastri's "too much makeup…uch, not enough makeup" line from Bring It On, applied to Cilic's beard. And can someone apply something to the eyebrows? It's like Scorsese cosplay on shrooms.

John: I mean, I get that he looks like the poster child for fetal rosé syndrome, but beyond the body, I can't help finding something about him adorable. (It's relative; I'd still need really low light or — preferably — a bag over his head.)

Zach: Alternate Brad Gilbert name: "When I Was 21 I Had A Very Good Jiri Vesely." The danger of combining overgrowth with underbite comes to life in this lanky, chin-strapped Czech.

John: It's not well known, but in Czech "Vesely" translates to "Babadook."

Joe: Maybe if he didn't choke away the Berdych match I'd have more affection for Dr. Teeth and the E-Czech-tric Mayhem. Alas.

]]>http://tomatonation.com/culture-and-criticism/order-of-the-shallows-wimbledon-2016/feed/3Order Of The Shallows: French Open 2016http://tomatonation.com/culture-and-criticism/order-of-the-shallows-french-open-2016/
http://tomatonation.com/culture-and-criticism/order-of-the-shallows-french-open-2016/#commentsTue, 31 May 2016 02:44:46 +0000http://tomatonation.com/?p=14538

Welcome back to the tennis hotness rankings — now known to those with the secret handshake (yeah: that's you) as Order Of The Shallows!

Poobahs John Ramos, Joe Reid, and I welcome you to the 2016 French Open Round Of 16 Shallows rankings. We're joined this time by Shallows novitiate Zach Wilcha, who can be seen living and working in Philadelphia but can be found lurking and judging full-time on Twitter at @itsonlyzach; Poobah Reid is in the midst of a house move but will rejoin us for Wimbledon 2016.

What does our minor rebranding mean? N…ot a whole lot, except that we're going to rank all kinds of foxy moving forward: tennis, baseball, Emmy supporting actors, presidents, you name it. Got a suggestion for a Shallows hotness ranking? Leave it in the comments!

Until then, on to the 2016 French, which…shit got weird, there's no other way to put it. Ugly weather and ugly play led to, well, Granollers. Join me, John, Zach, and Paul Quinn as we try to make sense of a Rafa-less fourth round.

John: This half of Serbia's (I want to go to there) exacta is no surprise; Djokovic's lithe body and feline grace makes me think there's definitely something to the theory that gluten and hotness are enemies. (Plus, I've heard he's so flexible he does a split cold every morning when he gets up. Think about what you could do with that.)

Q: I'm rolling my eyes at the opinion pieces about how boring tennis is because Novak keeps winning everything. But it is getting a tad tedious how good he looks. With Nadal out of Paris (first the knees, now the wrist; what the hell are you up to, Rafa, and why aren't you up to it with me?) there's limited competition in the Genuine Hotness dept., and that's the real crime.

Sarah: I have mounting concerns that his chin and his nose are determined to meet, Federer-style…but his serious petanque face is everything.

Zach: It's no secret that my feelings for Nole don't match the thirst-magnitude of others, but in this bleak quarterfinal landscape, he lands near the top. He's not even in my top three tennis pros to come out of the former Yugoslav republics, but his body is pretty on-point, and his hair is under control. I could be back on board much more if he fell off the No-Wheat Wagon.

Q: I'm digging the facial hair; it suits him, and he doesn't look like he was held back three grades and still can't pass math.

Sarah: Disagree with Q here; I used to love Serbian Jesse Pinkman but it's not aging well for me. That said, if historically cute entrants need to have a weak showing, this is the draw to do it in.

Zach: Vik is the hottest Serb on the tour, and don't let anyone tell you different. He can wrap both arms around me anytime, even though one is significantly larger than the other.

John: Never before did a he-said/she-said situation cause the Shallows world so much distress. Troicki's worked hard to get back into the game's elite, but all he had to do to get back to my Hotness peak was smile.

3 David Ferrer
ATP Rank: 11
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, 6, 6

Sarah: I still would, but when did he start looking like Journey's Steve Perry?

Zach: Someday when I retire, David Ferrer will still be making it to the quarterfinals of tournaments through sheer sexy will. Points deducted because I don't trust Spaniards without body hair.

John: In this field, Ferrer needs no explanation, but I'm heartened to see, in the below photo with his now-wife, that he's figured out the hair, at least off court.

A glass of wine and that? Yes please.

Q: Solid. I admire the commitment to not giving a fuck about the hair; it's a perennial mess, and he clearly doesn't listen to a word we say. Fine. He still cute.

4 Stan Wawrinka
ATP Rank: 4
Previous Hotness Ranks: 5, 7 (tie), 4

Zach: I wish I found Stan more attractive, since by all account he seems pretty awesome. Alas, I don't. That said, I do hope he will punch Nick Kyrgios in the face someday.

John: It may be too late for Stan's craggy face on the Proactiv front, but there's still something about him that's just so darn adorable; plus he's got the added cachet of a second Grand Slam win since the last time we did this. (Also there's this article discussing his physicality in a way that's pretty thirsty for The New York Times but is still quite accurate.)

Q: If his skin improved, he'd actually be less hot — I've seen his airbrushed magazine shots and it's just…not. The one thing that would make him slightly hotter is if he were a little less magnanimous after winning a Slam. You earned that shit, who cares how Djokovic feels? And thank you for those basket-enhancing shorts you won in last year. What pattern?

Sarah: Grown into it at last.

5 Ernests Gulbis
ATP Rank: 80
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a

John: This is a pretty tepid pick, and I'm certainly not going to defend The Overbite That Ate Pittsburgh. But perhaps you'll enjoy the below?

Q: A more handsome Murray (which is really damning with faint praise) but is an even bigger tool than the Scot on the court. Christ, this list sucks.

Sarah: I'm not proud of this assessment, but he looks like he'd do anything to please. …Anything. Though, let's face it, all he had to do to please in this OotS ranking was not look like a tween or Granollers.

Zach: So, he's never going to win Feminist Of The Year, but he's got an effortless, rugged handsomeness that works. Google searches indicate that he looks damn good shirtless.

Q: Cute when he's staring intensely at something; less cute when he's all gums. I'd still make out with him.

Sarah: Well, he finally looks older than 14? Except by "older," I mean "17," and he always looks like a bee just flew up his shorts. Pass-ola.

Zach: Kei is super-handsome and awkward, especially when smiling with his mouth closed. He wears the hell out of Uniqlo shorts, looks great in a suit, and has calf muscles for days. He's adorkable.

John: He's been around long enough that it no longer would feel like stat rape, even if it still looks it.

7 Dominic Thiem
ATP Rank: 15
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a

Sarah: Sometimes he looks like my friend Caro's tennis-playing older brother who I had a crush on back in the day. Other times he looks like Erik Menendez.

Zach: Dom is maturing nicely. He looks like the villain in a WW2 movie that makes you feel guilty when you respond to his Teutonic rigor. Bonus points: his shirts are often very wet.

John: You guys, my face is oily enough to be responsible for current plummeting gas prices, so believe me, I understand about acne. That said, this is what Thiem looked like a couple years ago, so I'm REALLY glad he waited until now to make his Shallows debut, because the skin has cleared up sufficiently to reveal a product whose hotness is on almost as steep a rise as his ranking. (Maybe Caroline Wozniacki finally told him about Proactiv?)

Q: Has he finished puberty yet? He looks like he barely survived that fire with Kelly and Alison on 90210. Stan's successor in the skin department, without the sexiness.

8 Milos Raonic
ATP Rank: 9
Previous Hotness Ranks: 11 (tie), 16, 15

Zach: Listen, things are headed in the right direction, but he's still Canada's Chief Wiggum. Using that sleeve as a distraction from this fact is a clever tactic.

Q: I'm ranking him higher on the news that he's bringing McEnroe back to Wimbledon. When I was a kid growing up in Ireland, a family home had at minimum a framed picture of one of the following: Pope John Paul II (or, if it was your granny's house, Pope Paul VI), JFK, or John McEnroe. All of this is me skirting around saying anything bad about Raonic's looks. When he's perfectly still, he's almost come around to kissable. Almost.

Sarah: What else can we say at this point? Chic hair, grunty as fuck, will do in a pinch.

Q: Let's take his playing style out of this and rate him solely on his looks. …UGH.

Sarah: I…just don't care, except for the mild interest generated by his apparently not understanding how to operate a six-foot-ten body at age 31? Beyond that, it's like a focus group extruded an American tennis seat-filler: lanky, inoffensive, out by the quarters.

Zach: The BFG of the ATP is goofy-looking, but cute in a wholesome way. I appreciate that he's a tall drink of water, but bros with Southern charm were never my thing. Would bring home to mom.

Sarah: The hair recently is a plus, but the resulting Hitler Youth Bill Irwin effect is deeply unsettling.

Zach: Like a Bel Ami model stretched out to industrial size, this lipless wonder is occasionally quite fetching at the right angles. Good for him for taking it all off for ESPN magazine, even if other asses would have proven more worthy.

John: Everyone knows he's the worst, but I can't wrap my mind around how someone with the most predictably fascist hair can perpetually wear such tragically loud and over-designed clothes. Also: overbite.

Zach: Gosh, his backhand is pretty, but he's just not. A little scrunchy, no? Could not look more French if he were a mime eating fries.

John: Congratulations to him for getting to (at least) the Roland Garros quarterfinals for the first time in thirteen tries. Unfortunately every single one of those tries is etched on his face.

Q: He looks like a bad French porn version of Daniel Day-Lewis. And who would want to see him in Last Of The Blowhicans? Not me. He did dispense Kyrgios, which saved me from having to write a thesis about THAT spectacle de merde, so that's something.

Zach: Inoffensive. Since I couldn't pick him out of a lineup, I'm just going to start naming other hotter tennis players from Spain that you can stop and think about for a moment before reading on: Rafael Nadal, Fernando Verdasco, Feliciano Lopez, Marc Lopez, Pablo Andujar, etc.

John: I hate to rank new blood so low, but I can't. And why such a flat face? It looks like it got hit by a safe! I just can't.

Q: If Cumberbatch and Karen Carpenter had a baby and, to steal a read from Kim Chi, that baby did drag and looked like Nicole Paige Brooks.

Sarah: If he had a comic-book secret identity, it would be The Rictus. No thanks.

13 Andy Murray
ATP Rank: 2
Previous Hotness Ranks: 13 (tie), n/a, 16

John: You know it's a lean draw when Murray's in SINGLE DIGITS in my personal ranking. He's got a pretty nice smile when he allows it to bust out/controls it sufficiently to cover his teeth situation, but there's still way too much of this. With that body, though, I would if I could put a bag over his head. (A Novak Djokovic Celebrity Party Mask would work too.)

Q: It never gets better, does it? The shade thrown by Amelie over his on-court demeanor suggests that, just like the rest of us, she cannot either.

Sarah: I had my doubts about ranking him this high. You know what dispels those? A pic with Andeh in the same frame as Stepanek.

YAAAAGGH.

Zach: I hate to use the term "butterface," but if the tennis shoe fits… His facial expressions are profoundly upsetting, and his hair belongs on a flustered professor.

Sarah: Must he always have that "three relative-humidity percentage points away from coating a ballboy in vom" facial expression?

Zach: The best case for having a beard outside of Scientology.

John: Another Spanish player who's alternatively gruff and derp-y — but I have to say the beard is a big improvement; it makes him look more like a man and less like a Dramatic Chipmunk impression. (That said, this improvement is probably not big enough to placate certain Order of the Shallowsers who live for Rafa, though, given he's the beneficiary of Nadal's withdrawal.)

Zach: Love him on Silicon Valley. Not as familiar with his work in tennis.

John: I can't wrap my head around what's going on with my partial namesake here. There's no feature that's really wrong, it seems to me, but he's got resting bitchface to an Ivan Lendl-like degree, and when he smiles it looks like he bleached his dentures and popped them in right before the photo was taken. Maybe the face would be less severe after an eyebrow plucking? I'm so confused.

Q: I'm not saying he looks like a serial killer, but we might want to check his basement for dress patterns, pits, and lotions.

16 David Goffin
ATP Rank: 13
Previous Hotness Ranks: n/a, n/a, n/a

Zach: Boy-Henin looks like he could qualify for a spot on Cobra Kai after he hits puberty. Stay tuned.

Q: He narrowly lost out on the role of Joffrey in Game Of Thrones, so he took up tennis instead, and still looks like he's been poisoned.

…with Janis Joplin's immortal "Get It While You Can" sharing the docket with "That Year," a cathartically sad song by Brandi Carlile. That leads us to Janis's enduring awesomeness, cover versions that trump the originals, and that time Mark thought he was reincarnated. Tweet us at talksongs to tell us about your Janis memories, your Brandi Carlile favorites, and the songs that make you feel it all.

Welcome to Jewel-erdome, where two wretched Jewel songs enter and only one leaves.

As we decide which single commits the greater crime, we discover Mark's rage for terrible lyrics, Sarah's dark past with a cappella groups, and yet another way that Dawson's Creek is relevant. Tweet us at talksongs to tell us who dies in YOUR Jewel-erdome! (Note: It's acceptable to say that your hopes are what die in Jewel-erdome.)