Queen overheard using the ‘C-word’

To the embarrassment of the Foreign Office, Her Majesty was caught on camera confirming the existence of China, a fact that had previously been supressed for much of the 20th century. Since a little awkwardness over the 1856 Opium Wars, Britain has been pretending that there was nothing behind the Great Wall; other than a skip filled with broken ceramics and one ‘dilapidated dragon costume’.

Actual Panda

So successful had the cover-up been, that many foolishly assume that the iPhone came from the US. So when Queen Elizabeth II labelled Chinese diplomats as ‘rude’, the UK Government was forced to admit that they had been disguising takeaways as chip shops and that ‘Made in China’ was not somewhere near Salford.

An F.O. spokeswoman talked about the pressure of deceit: ‘As the population of China soared to two billion it became harder to conceal their existence by simply pretending they were just ‘odd looking Pandas’. It became like the elephant in the room. If the elephant had not already been shot for its ivory and chopped up for its aphrodisiac properties’.

‘When her Majesty dropped the C-bomb, we knew the scam was up. We’ve now got to explain who owns everything and why forks are rubbish. We’re deeply sorry China is real and don’t get me start about Atlantis. Look, diplomatically we’ll have to embark upon a period of delicate truth and reconciliation – so step forward Prince Philip.’

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