July 21, 2017

Did God COMMAND Mothers to Stay Home With Their Children?

A response to a comment on my last two blogs:

Stephanie- I love you, I love your comments, I love this discussion. I think you are so good and brave to talk about issues that I have been pondering for months. Thank you for your comments and your friendship.

Here is how I see it and how we disagree in our logic.

I do not feel that it is a commandment for
mothers to stay home with their children unless their husbands cannot provide
the necessities of life. I feel that is
good, inspired, and very important prophetic counsel.

We could have a great chat about what it
means to break a commandment.

In my opinion, when you break a commandment you are
sinning. You have done something
contrary to the will of God and He expects you to REPENT.

Did Christ “break a commandment” when he
healed on the Sabbath day? No. He did do things different from traditionally
viewed beliefs about how to keep the Sabbath day holy, but he did not do
something contrary to God’s will. In
fact, had he NOT healed on Sunday, he would have been “breaking a commandment.”

We are often given contradictory counsel from prophets,
counsel that is impossible to obey at the same time. Evaluating our priorities at different times
in our lives is one of life’s greatest challenges. For example, we have been counseled
to do our family history and we are told numerous blessings that will come into
our lives as we obey this counsel.
Mothers taking care of young children who are unable to devote time to
family history are not “breaking a commandment”. They are missing out of very real blessings that
come from family history, but there may be a time and a stage when these
blessings are more essential in their lives.
Discernment and prioritizing is not the same thing as sinning and
breaking a commandment.

Counsel, unlike commandments, change with time. They are more relevant at different stages of
life and there are times when counsel may not be applicable at all. Is a single woman, who is unable to stay home
with children BREAKING a commandment? Are mothers of grown children breaking a
commandment when they go to work? What
exactly is the age that mother can leave home without breaking a
commandment? Why would God command
someone to stay home with their children and then say it is okay for them to go
to work if their husband is ill or dead?
Thou shalt not steal, unless you need food and then it is okay to
steal. No. That doesn’t sound right because it isn’t
right. You can be a working mother and still
be temple worthy. You cannot be
constantly breaking commandments and be worthy.

I have known many women inspired to work (when they felt so
guilty about it) and are surprised later in life when their husband dies and
they can see how God prepared them for this situation. Did they break a
commandment by working before the death of their husbands? No.

I suppose we do read in scripture times when God does
inspire people to break commandments.
But, I think it is more common for God to inspire people to KEEP THE
COMMANDMENTS by making a choice that is contrary to tradition.

Prophets and apostles are called to ADMINISTER in the church
and to counsel the Church as a whole. The Holy Ghost is meant to guide us in
our individual lives to help us APPLY the gospel in our lives.

The commandments we have are to LOVE GOD, LOVE OUR
NEIGHBOR.

A woman, for example, called to serve in the General RS
Presidency is called to "work" full-time. Her family feels her loss. This is not breaking a commandment, it is
shifting priorities. Sacrificing one
good thing for another good thing, but there is no SIN here.

We are also counseled (or some may say commanded) to get out
of debt. Sometimes, we shift to focus on
paying off debt. Would God place someone
in the position to choose to break one commandment to fulfill another commandment? I don’t think so. There is no sin in choosing what good thing
to focus on. I think Satan has great
power over so many good people by continually whispering in their ears that
they are “sinning” when they are just trying to be perfect in every aspect of the
gospel and falling short. To everything
there is a season.

In life, we are commanded to personally discern between many
good options. I am not breaking a
commandment by going to school. I am
discerning that it is better for me, my family, and my community, for me to go
to school while my mother is home (during the summer) and while my children are
gone at school (during the year). I feel
that I serve God better in my home, in church, and in my community by going to
school this year. I wholeheartedly
sustain the prophetic counsel encouraging mothers to be home with their
children, just as I wholeheartedly sustain counsel encouraging women to serve
in the communities in which they live.

There are so many instances in life where we discern and
choose for ourselves how to obey prophetic counsel. This is what we, as women, do! The reason we need the gift of the Holy Ghost
in our life is because we have so many wonderful, good opportunities that we
need to choose for ourselves each day how to spend our time. Eve had to choose, Rebecca had to choose,
Mary had to choose, Emma had to choose, Mary Fielding had to choose, Nephi had
to choose, Abraham had to choose. Righteous
women might have lives that don’t look pretty as they are making decisions that
will change the eternal destiny of their families.

Prophets, apostles, General RS, YW and Primary leaders have
continually told us that our families should be our highest priorities. They have promised GREAT blessings to women
who choose to stay home with their children.
I don’t believe that these promises are tied to LOCATION as much as they
are tied to PRIORITY. Women who are home
full-time can spend just as much time “away” from their families as women who
work or go to school. Women in the home
can still put many things above their families in priority. I am certain that
many women who choose to leave their children physically or emotionally while
they are young, will come to regret their decision.

As a mother who is going to school, I am not saying that I
am an exception to any commandments. I
am saying that right now, my family will be MORE BLESSED by my education than
they would be if I were at home. My location
has changed, my priorities and my righteousness hasn’t. My heart is still turned towards my family,
my God, and my covenants.

In considering this option, my husband and I were SO
grateful for the inspired counsel of prophets and apostles who we sustain. I am not an exception to a commandment for
mothers to stay home with their children.
I am REAPING THE REWARDS of trusting in that prophetic promise for 20
years. Now, I am trusting in other
prophetic promises. Promises that if I
follow the Spirit I will be directed, that if I keep the Sabbath Day holy I
will be expanded, that if I listen to the counsel of my husband, my bishop, my
stake president, my area authorities, I will not be led astray. I am trusting the counsel that as we lose
ourselves in the service of others we will find ourselves. I feel in my soul
the prophetic warning from Elder Nelson who said, “In light of this celestial
perspective, if you . . . cut short your education, you would not only disregard a divine
decree but also abbreviate your own eternal potential”. I am preparing to send out four missionaries
in the next four years, by making choices that will bless our family
financially. I'm preparing to serve a
mission with my husband later in life, financially and educationally.

I think the reason it is dangerous to judge others based on
perceived "commandments" is because you might end up condemning
Christ for healing on Sunday or a Bishop for being gone from his family all
Sunday by saying it is a commandment to "not work on Sunday". Keeping the Sabbath Day holy might look as
different in reality and application as the counsel that "Mothers are primarily responsible for
the nourishment and nurture of their children".

It is not a sin for women to go to school. It is not a sin for women to work. We could be sinning at home or at work, if
our hearts are set more on the honors of men than on the honor of God.

I struggle daily to overcome my natural man and to avoid
sin. I repent each week for many, many
sins. But, as I walk out the door each
morning with my husband, I feel the sweet assurance that I have been led to
this place in my life. I am keeping God’s
commandments. I am fulfilling my eternal
role as a wife and a mother and a daughter of God. I am not an exception to the rule. I am an example of the believers.

The opportunities that I have now are BECAUSE I follow prophetic counsel.

I hope every single one of my five daughters is blessed with the opportunity and chooses to stay at home with their children while they are young. The positive impact of having a mother home full-time in my home for the past 20 years cannot be measured. I talk of nurturing my children, I preach of nurturing my children, and I AM STILL nurturing my children. I believe this counsel with ALL of my soul.

During those years that they are home with their children, I hope they continue to learn and grow and serve. I hope they listen to the voice of the Lord in their lives and learn to act upon promptings. And then, if they call me someday and tell me that about an opportunity they have been given to learn more and serve more and bless their family in another way, I will rejoice with them and marvel that God's plan for our individual lives is magnificent. Women who work are not sinning. Women who stay home with their children are not more righteous. Agency is a beautiful gift. God has blessed us each with unique and glorious gifts. He will use us to build the Kingdom of God on the Earth as we consecrate all of our time and talents for Him. I am doing this with a conscience that is not only clear, but swelling with humility, wonder, and gratitude.

5 comments:

Anonymous
said...

Stephanie, You are quoting a talk from 1975, go back and read counsel from recent leaders specifically Gordon B Hinckley's "Be" talk in which he counsels us to sacrifice everything to get an education in the Be Smart section of that address. He did not give this counsel only to the men of the church. You are doing yourselves and your daughters a huge disservice by refusing to get an education. Should your husband die, become disabled, or leave, a woman should have the ability to provide for her family. A woman with an education will be far more equipped to do that. We are a church who puts a huge emphasis on education, formal education included. No where anywhere have we been commanded to be uneducated. Your words are offensive and honestly come across as someone who is completely and totally uneducated, which I guess is your point. I was never prouder of my mother than the day I walked across the stage with her, she receiving her master's degree, and me receiving my bachelor's. She still successfully mothered 7 children during this process and has served as Stake Relief Society President. I would assume a woman who had so blatantly broken a "commandment" would not be called to such a position. She wouldn't because it isn't a commandment. Please go back and educate yourself...

Anonymous- I don't feel that Stephanie was saying women shouldn't get an education. I think she was saying we should get our formal education before we have children and study from home after we have children. This is an opinion many good women across the world share. While I personally disagree, I do value stay at home mothers immensely. I'm SO glad we are having these conversations on my blog and in our church. I believe the Restoration of all things will not be complete until we accurately understand the role and destiny of women.

Thanks again Jennifer and Stephanie for this conversation. My mother had a saying that I wanted to share. She was a nurse also and worked part time when needed to supplement the family income. She would say, "Nursing is my job, motherhood is my career". I think we can all agree that motherhood is the noblest of all careers. I have never worked so hard as when I was a mother to four kids five and under....well that may not be true. I am working hard now trying to juggle teenagers schedules, activities, early morning seminary and much more. Anyway, I can feel that we all cherish our children and love mothering them. I am grateful that we can have these conversations and learn from each other and support each other as we journey through life together. Jennifer--you have a way with words and I just love reading your blog. You are an inspiration to many. Thank you.

While it is true that church leaders have counseled women/mothers to stay home with their children unless their husband is unable to provide for them it is ALWAYS said in the context of a women working outside the home. I have never come across counsel for mothers to stay home and not gain an education.

There is a difference between working and gaining an education. All I have seen is encouragement for women to pursue an education. I haven't seen any qualifiers to that counsel - "Only go to college before you are married." or "Only go to college when you don't have children." Nope. Never ever seen or heard those at all.

Sister Julie B. Beck spoke at BYU Women's Conference in 2011. I love what she had to say about the questions we should be asking ourselves as women.

"The question of whether or not to work [or in this context go to college] is the wrong question. The question is, “Am I aligned with the Lord’s vision of me and what He needs me to become, and the roles and responsibilities He gave me in heaven that are not negotiable? Am I aligned with that, or am I trying to escape my duties?” Those are the kinds of things we need to understand. Our Heavenly Father loves His daughters, and because He loves us and the reward at the end is so glorious, we do not get a pass from the responsibilities we were given. We cannot give them away. They are our sacred duties and we fulfill them under covenant."

That is a very personal question we each need to answer and can't feel bad if our answer is different than another's. One woman's answer will be to gain more education to help a wider range of God's children, even while she still has children at home. Another woman's answer might be, "Not yet. Raise your little ones a little longer."

About Me

I am a mother, a Christian, a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a New Yorker, and an optimist.
I love people, happy endings, cowboys, squishy babies, crayon pictures, quilts, blue skies, fingerprints on my windows, clean laundry, sun rays through the clouds, and one certain college professor.
I have 8 children, 1 horse, 5 cows, 15 chickens, bunny that thinks she's a chicken, and 1 silly dog. (We raise free-range children, and chickens.)
This blog, like my life, is a continual rough draft. I'm not afraid to let you see me before I'm finished.
Today, I'm enjoying my moments and LIVING my happily ever after.

Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.

"Oh, the ordinary day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me be grateful while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall fall upon my knees, or bury my face in the pillow, or lie among the sick, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return."

Mary Jean Iron

Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.