Friday, September 28, 2007

Link Haze, 9/28/07.

•Good magazine takes an analytical look at the campaign stickers of the six leading candidates for President (link) (thanks for the tip, Steve Cronin)•IHateYoungPeople.com—lots of man/woman/boy/girl on the street videos, mostly debating who's worse: Young People or Old People (link)• This "blogger" dares to bash Pop-Tarts® packaging. THEY ARE FUCKING CRAZY GOOD™, BITCH. (link)• A few commercials of note: All-Bran construction worker—sublime (link); Heinz Baked Beans—will never run in America (link); and GE "Model Coal Miners"—16 tons of big agency bullshit (link) via my BFF BBDO (thanks to Alexa Sutton for the tip).• Ad creatives hate focus groups. Their b-to-b ads give us no reason to change our minds (link)• The creepiest ad icons of all time, according to AdAge readers (link)• downtown Miami has become DWNTWN, MIAMI. How 1998. (link) (thanks Dan Silverman for the tip) • Do you play paintball? If so, and you show up to do battle in one of these, your competitors should then be allowed to use real guns/ammunition/grenades (link)And pictured (click image): Ben, a co-worker of the archeress, gets freakynasty with his favorite flavor of level vodka babe.UPDATE: There is now ONE (1) Bacon Wristband left to give away. Got an excellent (and I mean, EXCELLENT) ad tip (preferably a photo or scan)? Email me—copyranter(at)hotmail(dot)com—and it's yours. After that, I will mail them all out.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

copyranter's seminal Pure Horseshit™ Award.

Not to be confused with my Horse's Ass Award. This award will be presented to any advertiser who bends the truth about the benefit/effectiveness of their product further than the generally-accepted normal level of advertising lying.Going through my archives, GwynniePaltrow, enviga, Fiji water, and "5" gum all strongly deserve this award, post-post.But iDigress. Onto BarclaysiShares. If you're going to go down this well-traveled propaganda path, why not just take it further: The Wheel. Fire. Electricity. iShares. Or, further still: God. The Universe. Baby Jesus. iShares.iIdiots.

The closest I've ever come to firebombing a store.

I love Halloween. It's your one chance to be a total Dickwad or walking bOOb, unless of course you're already one the other 364 days of the year. That said, I do not love Christmas. To call me a Grinch doesn't even come close to describing how much I despise December 25th. This wonderful photoshopped pic at least gets you in the neighborhood of my hatred. It's an evil, evil day. Here'sproof.I hadn't walked by the old Tower Records location on lower Broadway in quite a while, until this morning at 7:35 am.It's September Fucking 27th, Toys-R-MotherFucking-Us. Yesterday, it was near 90 degrees. You're lucky I didn't find a stray Molotov cocktail in the streets, otherwise, I swear, I would've, at least, maybe, considered raising the temperature inside your new store to, oh, about 1500 degrees Celsius.(answer to the question "What is the temperature of fire?" found here!)

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The Diary of a PA to a British Creative Director.

I posted a brief item on this UK blog in the middle of a Link Haze a couple of weeks ago. It is a daily diary by a disgruntled assistant about a useless, drunken creative director. Much of it is imagined fiction, but it seems to be based on an actual man the PA calls ADam. Here's some sample passages from the last month:—The planner just sits and rubs his head like a monkey who has fallen off his tyre swing because he thought he could pick his nose and his hairy arse at the same time.—Arriving late as usual, Adam enters the creative department gasping for air like a puppy dog drowning in a canal. The lift is out. He passes the morning betting his salary on the horses and forwarding a YouTube ad that was sent around a week ago by the rest of the creative community.—His PowerBook precariously perched on his nimble spotted legs, ignoring his ringing phone, he watches his bookmarked German ‘chik mit diks’ media file, whilst he unloads two nutsfull of lukewarm plebspunk into his shaking skeletal fingers. However, this moment is short-lived as his prick bliss is interrupted to the sound of his mother’s voice on the answer machine talking about her varicose vein removal op.—…a package arrives from Honk Kong to which he opens to reveal the most hideous shirt known to man, woman and beast. If you stuck a drinking straw up a frogs anal passage and then inflated until it was a spherical amphibious balloon, then threw it against a nearby garden wall, the remains would resemble this pattern. Plus, not accounting for the obvious size difference between the Far East and Europe, Adam walks around looking like he’s wearing a wetsuit covered in fish guts.(image via)previous copyranter-recommended blogs:The Assimilated Negro.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #50.

AUTO-FELLATIO THAT'D WOW RON JEREMYIt's Advertising Week in NYC. On Gawker today, I took a quick look at a few of the notably stupider events (link). To read any of the previous 49 Lies Well Disguised, just put those three words up in the search window. addn: this column marks the one-year anniversary of LWD.

Monday, September 24, 2007

I apologize, Leo Burnett.

I had previously been less than complimentary about a few of Leo Burnett's more recent executions in the long-running and mostly good Altoids print campaign; in particular, I poo-pooed a couple smarty-pants New Yorker executions (1, 2). But now, we have this print ad, right—one of the first I've seen since the account left Burnett earlier this year for Publicis/Hal Riney. Creative responsibilities have since apparently been reassigned to BBDO (4th paragraph). Anyway, I'm not a "journalist" so I don't care which shop did this super-dull chocolate-dipped piece of cliché turd. I just want to formerly apologize to any Leo Burnett creatives who worked on the other above linked executions. A little bit of relativism can change one's mind right quick.

Monkee Davy Jones' career has sunk to Davy Jones Locker level.

(click ads for closer look)"Then I Saw Their Trades...Now I'm A Believer"Yes, DJ also shot a couple of videos for Gorilla Trades, singing and a-strumming and absolutely abusing Monkees tunes. I'm sure your three original bandmates are fucking thrilled that you're parodying their work to help sell stock trades.At daveyjones.net, DJ is also still lobbying for The Monkees to be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. I would think that this whore of an endorsement deal would forever put the kibosh on that. It's one thing for your songs to be used to sell products. It's quite another to get in front of a camera and make a complete Gorilla's ass out of yourself—do you know how many fellow Baby Boomers are going to have panic/puke attacks once they witness this, Davy? I hope you at least made a boatload of cash.(update: gigglesugar has a clip of Davy Jones when he was on The Brady Bunch. He was such a cutie pie...(sigh)...now I feel guilty...)(ads scanned from today's Investor's Business Daily)previously in music & advertising:1. India.Arie: pop crap or good shit? Discuss.2. Meet the latest 1-800-OK-CABLE shills.3. Sanjaya Malakar's ad dopplegänger.4. Lenny Kravitz. ABSOLUT KRAP.5. Taylor Hicks for Ford: a review.6. 50's packin'. Nutrients.

Also, she appears to be wearing a Kabbalah string.Headline Translation: Actually, we are a serious career forum!Yes, of course you are. The above subway poster is for a career forum at the Technical University of Munich. So, is it the most blatantly gratuitous use of an ass in an ad ever? I think it's time for an Assvertising vote:1. Kate Moss's ass used to sell jewelry?2. American Apparel Lolita's ass crack used to sell Stirrup Socks?3. true.com using tight-assed shorts to sell "safe" Internet dating?4. The above ikom.eu subway poster.As for Most Gratuitous Use Of Breasts In Advertising, Salma Hayek for Campari is clearly leading the Rack pack.(tip/poster emailed by Daniel Greenwald)

Friday, September 21, 2007

Link Haze, 9/21/07.

• Ends up, that Weatherproof Garment adis tied into the new, dying-to-be-shitcanned ABC show Cavemen. Portfolio explains how. Not explained—why? (link)• Marilyn Manson introduces his own brand of absinthe, Mansinthe. 66.6% alcohol, of course. Not known—if any of Manson's various bodily fluids made it into the final formula. (link)• Why the chicken did not cross the road to drink the Perrier. (link)•My Dad (thanks to asbestosis) is a hanky man. Still, I doubt he'd be interested in these new "high tech" handkerchiefs. (link) • Hummer gets all Green/National Geographic on us. That's rich (link) (thanks to Michael Hastings-Black at Desedo Films for the tip) • Tech writer Michael Patrick Brady seriously breaks down the stack of books shown in those newish Sony eReader ads. (link) • Ads on scuzzy Laundromat washing machines? If on shit-splattered port-o-potties, than why the fuck not? (link) • You know the smug Verizon "Can you hear me now?" Guy, whose teeth I'd like to punch out through the back of his head? Well, douche has an official style book. (link) • And FINALLY, there are still two (2) Bacon Wristbands up for grabs! Send me a great tip, and one can be yours...

LOOK! New NYC Bike Safety Ad Targets Who, Exactly?

(click image to read copy)That car is so unsafe for bicyclists, what with that deceptive partial bike lane painted on it. OK seriously, the reason, nine out of ten times, why a pedal pusher is drilled in Manhattan? It's because the motor vehicle driver didn't LOOK. But heaven FORBID we target the precious, careless NYC car driver directly. S0 many very influential, very rich, non-subway-taking Manhattanites steadfastly sit behind the wheels of their planet-choking Escalades, Denalis, etc., gunning it through yellowish/red lights all over fucking town all the time. I've personally witnessed two bicyclists get drilled by SUVs speeding through dangerous intersections; one man was seriously injured. But nooo. Instead we get a generic "Can't we all just get along/LOOK" message (nice logo!) with a cutesy visual that means/accomplishes absolutely nothing. A message that—since the ad's placed in a bus shelter with a tiny headline—can/will only be read by passing pedestrians. Brilliant! Bravo, red tape-wrapped NYC government approval process!(snapped on E. Houston St.)(campaign via Worldwide House of Hack, Publicis)Here's the Transportation Alternatives press release.—RIP, Liz Byrne.update: as commenter f mckenna points out, the car is shown turning the wrong way onto Lafayette St., which as NYers know, means it could only be a Jersey driver.previously in NYC "Public" "Service":2. conEdison. FULL OF IT.1. NEVER SHAKE A BABY!3. MTA needs our 16 million eyes.4. Today's Lesson: The "C" Words.5. It IS hard for black kids to fit in on the UWS.6. The comedy of the NYC Office of Emergency Management.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Right down to the nip slip! (click ad)Could this finally be a...strategy emerging from the unimaginative L.A. clothing empire? Look-A-Likes! Hmm, let's look through the archive. Well, Miss Ass Crack here looks quite a bit like a grown-up Emma Watson—Hermione from the Harry Potter movies. Bring her back for another shoot, and put a witch hat on her! You guys seem to have a majorJones for the Asian girls. So, just find a Lucy Lui dopplegänger. Should be a piece of cake in SoCal. Let's see, who else? Well, I'm not quite sure who she looks like. That orgasm face makes her a tough read. But anyway, you've got the i-dear. Get out there and find yourselves a Britney/Paris/Nicole, AAers. Run with it! It's a concept with legs! No no, you take all the credit!(ad scanned from the back of this week's Onion, which also features a humorous front-page AA piece.)

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

SUBTEXT: (You Gay Sluts, You!)

McDonald's ad snapped inside the entrance to a bar in Boystown, Chicago, the first "officially recognized" (?) gay village in the United States.Well well, Mickie D's, you're all grows up, you're all grows up! Now that's a Happy Meal! Want Guys with that? etc. (sorry)But seriously; there's nothing as strong as post-McDonald's gas. And ripping Big Mac farts during that magical first night encounter is a major turnoff. You can try holding them in, but then you're making goofy faces while clutching your upper groin region—also a big turnoff. You're much better off with an empty stomach, actually.(snapped by Marah Eakin)previously in gay marketing:1. Grab Your Poles!2. GOD SAVE QUEENS.3. HOMOMETROSEXUALS™.4. Bud tells gays OK to be gay.5. The Gays don't buy their leather at Daffy's.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #49.

CONDOM ADS! NAKED FENCING!Today on Gawker: after reading an AdAge piece about the unending unwillingness of the networks to air condom ads, I dug up some international contraceptive advertising that will never, ever in a million years be seen in America. (link) Why? Because our church/state dynamic ain't that different from Spain's, circa 1490. To read any of the 48 previous Lies Well Disguised, just type those three words up in the search window.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Ashes to Ashes...

(click image to read copy)Last Tuesday on the anniversary of 9/11, The Khaleej Times, "the No. 1 English language daily paper published in Dubai, United Arab Emirates," ran this full-page, anti-smoking ad. Damn, missed my deadline! I could've added it to the Gawker 9/11 post.Very interesting—and maybe insensitive!—that a paper from an Arab country would exploit the burning twin towers.I guess those smoking ex-buildings are full-on fair game now—so what else can they help sell? Maybe AlternativeEnergy (take that UAE)! Ideas?(image source. thanks to Bill Green at MTLB for the Bacon Wristband—winning tip! only three left!)

Friday, September 14, 2007

Link Haze, 9/14/07.

(Every Friday, one of my posts will be a link dump. Got something interesting [ad related], please email me: copyranter[at]hotmail[dot]com)•Donny Deutsch overheard at the Waverly Inn telling his blonde date, "Let's make out, just make out. I'm a great kisser..." (link) (thanks Jade Riggin for the tip!)• Mannequin advertising is quite competitive. Also, freaks me out. (link) •Across the pond, a disgruntled assistant to an inept creative director has started a diary about his boss "ADam." Reads like fiction. It may be. Either way, worth your time. He is a fucking funny writer. (link)• NASA is looking for a new tagline to replace the current "Explore, Discover, Understand." I'm too busy to write a HaHa replacement. Be my guest. (link)• "...will focus its efforts on transforming prolific thought leadership and vision into cutting-edge, differentiated and prescriptive strategic solutions." AdAge editor Jonah Bloom attempts to interpret what the fuck that buzzword turd means. (link)• Worker #3116 describes Mariah Carey—as she appears in her ads for her new fragrance M—as a "Real Doll floating in a sea of blood." (link)• Finally, for my fellow drummers—DrumPants. I already currently drive my co-workers crazy with my constant drumming on my pants/desk/floor. If I got these... (link)

Were you there? First, warm-up band I am the World Trade Center brought the house down with an absolutely explosive pyrotechnics show. Next the headliners, dressed in full HazMat suits, played a covers set that included I'll Stop The World And Melt With You, We Didn't Start The Fire, and Crumblin' Down. For one night, this night, the terrorists did not win—though intelligence chatter indicates that they may have their next Target picked out. (photo by Evan Lambert)

Win a LIVE GREASY Bacon Wristband, round #2.

Last February, in recognition of the Chinese year of the Pig, I gave away 4 of these HOT COMMODITIES (they're not as easy to find as you might think) to copyranter readers.To re-celebrate this fucking pig of a year, I am holding another contest in which I will this time give away five (5) Bacon Wristbands. Last time, I simply asked you to tell me why you deserved one of these sizzling suckers. THIS time, it's tougher. I of course accept and publish many reader tips. Well, starting NOW through the next week or two, the readers who submit the best five (5) tips will win their very own LIVE GREASY (my name for it) wristband. The selection process is completely arbitrary, but—you stand a much better chance of winning if your submission is original (for example, a photo you take) as opposed to something from another blog/website.Two things for you Doofi to remember: 1] write BACON BAND TIP in your email subject lines; 2] if I write you back saying you're a winner, you then MUST provide me with a mailing address THAT WORKS in your reply. Show those "Live Strong" lemmings that FAT—at least in the color of your wristband—is where it's at. That is all. GO!!! (email—copyranter[at]hotmail[dot]com)

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

2nd ad of campaign: he's doggystyling a bear.

(click ad to read copy)JESUS, corporate firms are fuckingobsessed with the wild kingdom, ain't they? Meet Michael Platt, CEO and founder of BlueCrest Capital. I don't know the lion's name. The ad is for the the Chicago Mercantile Exchange/Chicago Board of Trade. Blah blah blah, who fucking cares. Back to the photo. I am actually trying very hard right now to visualize the lion biting Platt's head off while simultaneously clawing his balls. Seriously, what fucking arrogance from this pot-bellied, manicured douchebag. He probably screams in fear at cockroaches. "A risk tamed is a reward captured?" Give this pansy a sword and shield, and throw him in the middle of the Coliseum with a few unfed beast kings. Televise it during trading hours (with a streaming ticker), so's we can watch his company's stock plunge as he's mauled to pieces.
(scanned from today's Wall Street Journal)previously in CEOs:
1. CE-O what a mistake.
2. The Deutsch/Trump 69.
3. Blamer, Fudge do lunch.
4. Michael Golden, CEO, Smith & Wesson.
5. How did Air France become #1 in Europe?

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Lies Well Disguised, #48.

TWIN TOWERS EXPLOITATION!On Gawker: too soon to start exploiting the burning twin towers in ads? A French ecological organization doesn't think so (link). To read any of the previous 47 Lies Well Disguised, type those three words up in my search window.

Now apparently, State Street is making fun of the hunting abilities of Zulu Warriors.

(click ad for closer look)Copy starts:Experience tells us the "ready fire aim" approach to investing is no way to hit your targets. In fact, it's a good way to shoot (or spear) yourself in the foot...DUDES, you left-brained bozos need some serious help with your metaphors! Last time, your bridge disaster viz went over like a lead balloon. And now this? Tribesmen don't "shoot from the hip." Drawing from my memories of watching National Geographic shows, I believe they throw their spears using a more-powerful over-the-shoulder technique. I'd tell you to consult your lawyers, but they're evenmoreclueless when it comes to using wildlife in advertising.Tell you what: why don't you give me a shot at your ads. Give me a day, and I'll come back with three animal kingdom campaigns that actually make some fucking sense.update: commenter papa shongo says these are Maasai warriors.(scanned from yesterday's Wall Street Journal)

Monday, September 10, 2007

Pretty soon, every one of my posts will be reader tips.

I've told them their advertising sucks. Sucks balls, even. I've called them Fucking Morons. I've told them to go fuck themselves and to"Kram" their ads up their ass. I've even told them to drink my piss. But, I've never threatened to kill a baby. Reader Cate Morrison, a Communications doctoral student, has taken the anger to the next level. She found this Ketel One ad on the back of the August Architectural Digest and, displaying much better handwriting than me, correctly answered their idiotic Jeopardy style question about the distiller's owner. Bravo, Cate.(also, stay tuned! I've got another round of correspondence with Ketel One coming later this week.)

One of our finest thespians delivers his best performance.

(click image to closer examine Bobbie's near smile)Other headlines considered for De Niro's outdoor banner, part of Mayor Bloomberg's new tourist-friendly "Just Ask The Locals" advertising campaign:• "I think someone should just take this city and just... just flush it down the fuckin' toilet."• "...if you come back here - we catch either one of you - we're gonna break your fuckin' heads and you won't walk out of here. You see that fuckin' saw? We're gonna use it."• "Now you will learn about loss! Loss of freedom! Loss of humanity! Now you and I will truly be the same..."• "Your mommy's not happy... your daddy's not happy, and you know what? You're not happy."• "I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss... I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss, I'm da boss."• I'll fuck you right where you breathe, because I don't give two shits about you or nobody else."(hanging on 8th Ave., between 18th & 19th St. sorry, it was twilight)previously in celebs in ads:1. more GAP celebrity pap.2. GwynniePaltrow is African.3. What's next, Burt? Burt's Bees?4. Working with JK Simmons and Dennis Miller.5. Can't spell "anthropomorphism" without "Mohr."

Friday, September 07, 2007

Link Haze, 9/07/07.

(Every Friday, one of my posts will be a link dump. Got something interesting [ad related], please email me: copyranter[at]hotmail[dot]com)• Speaking of Global Warming ads, this billboard makes perfect use of apartment A/C units (link)• The saddest fruit beverage advert/old man in a wheel chair juxtaposition I've ever seen (link)• A $150,000 turntable (link)• Remember the special moment in corporate douchery history when that Bank of America manager performed his version of U2's "One?" My friend Cajun Boy In The City met him and confronted him about the song. He was none too pleased! (link)• The sassy girls from Gawker media site Jezebel.com came up with the idea of giving out barf bag gift bags to industry types in front of the Fashion Week tents in Bryant Park (link)+(link) •Trump Ice bottled water promoted by...Harry Potter. "You can taste The Donald." (link) related: bad taglines for Trump Super Premium Vodka.• Posters for an anti-fungal foot cream featuring Feces Trainers (pictured, click it, they're disgusting), Rat Slippers, and Fish Flip-Flops (link)

It's Friday. Why don't you masturbate?

(click image. unzip.)It's the latest unimaginative American Apparel soft porn ad featuring another probably underage girl. For the record, the ad is for AA's new "Chain-Link Thigh-High Socks." Also, for the record, I give up. You win Dov Charney. I've tried hard (heh) to find some sort of relevant sociological angle in your endless string of pervy advertisements. But, no dice—I'm tired and my head is throbbing (heh).So instead of half-baked analysis, I'm offering up this post strictly as a public service to horny readers. Go ahead. Stare at her ass. Rub one out. You're welcome. If she doesn't do it for you, Here's seven more exploited girls from Charney's stable (don't read the posts, just click on the pics):Tight Ass in Tights; Chesty Brunette Masturbates; Barely-Covered Nipples; Asian Cameltoe; Tight Asian in Tights; No Panties/Ass Crack; Hiking Boots and Thong.Oh, and for you Homo men and Hetero women, go here and here.(scanned from this week's The L magazine)