My Baby Blanket

My baby blanket is named Burpy. I don’t know why I named it Burpy, but I did. Burpy is not your typical baby blanket. She’s much larger for one, more like the size of a throw blanket. She is an old faded yellow and white with some yellow flowers on one side and a checkered design on the other. The feel of her in unlike anything I’ve ever felt in my life. She’s got some texture likely from the years that her cotton center flattened and from many washes, but with every hole, I loved her more and more.

I don’t remember when she first went into the closet but I know for sure that’s where she was when I left for college. And she spent many years after that in closets, coming with me when I moved out, and to my new apartment where I’ve made a home with my husband. She now stays amongst the other blankets, much more easily accessible. In the years past she stayed hidden because of lack of space, or maybe perhaps lack of need.

But lately I’ve found myself drawn to her more. She represents to me something I lost a long time ago — security. As a child, I didn’t have any real fears for my safety and well-being. As a child, my parents worried on my behalf, with every risk I took, be it riding my bike, doing a back dive, or driving a car. My parents had lived through it all and now understood the risks, but they built a home and a life for my brother and me in which we were safe and had everything that we needed. I always knew I could count on them.

But in my adult mind now I know the risks. I know that anything could change at the drop of a hat. I’m walking a tightrope in this life and I don’t know when I might lose my footing. I have so many fears and worries and they are all so real. I could lose my job, I could lose someone close to me, someone could get very sick. There are so many factors that I can’t plan for and the planner in me tries so hard to keep planning, but I just get stuck. Truth is, I don’t really know what I’m doing, but do any of us? I’m just trying to stay afloat, make incremental life improvements, hoping for as few setbacks as possible, and enjoy the good that life has to offer as I struggle through the many obstacles that come my way.