Fix global warming? No probs.

The following solutions from Ken Ring, New Zealand weather forecaster extraordinaire:

The call to arms at the moment is that we must stop climate change. While we are at it we might also want to stop earthquakes, volcanoes and possibly the rotation of Earth, for all those contribute to the change of climate. Then there is the geographical location of countries, because distance from the equator largely determines seasonal temperature trends. As the poles slowly shift over thousands of years, countries find themselves at varying latitudes and thus experiencing more warmed, colder, drier or wetter seasons than in previous thousands of years. Using our state-of-art technology we need to be able to move the equatorial line as we require. This should be at the whim of the UN and Al Gore, because the contentment of polar bears and seal populations is vastly more important than the welfare of humans. We know this because there are currently lots of laws being drafted about species-conservation but no international recommendations of legislative measures for the protection of threatened members of our race, many facing extinction from colder winters.

We also need to change the movement of the sun through the Milky Way galaxy, because solar radiation cycles that cause ice ages are contributory to climate change. The chemical composition of water might also be looked at, because at the moment the steam molecule is lighter than air and rises to form clouds but the cooler liquid H2O molecule is heavier than air and sinks as rain, in which amounts these contribute to climate. While we are about it we would have to arrange ice’s molecular structure so it thawed at -70C, which is today (24 June)’s current temperature at the South Pole at Vostok, and -54C which is the average winter temperature of the Arctic. As ice presently thaws only at +4C we have a lot of work to do to get the poles to melt and stay melted all year around. The ice caps anyway serve no useful purpose except as freakish landscapes which block shipping and endanger kayakers. Climate change is affected by their continuing presence and international pressure must be organised to eliminate these barren regions.

Then there is the shape and positioning of mountain ranges. We must relocate these. It is rather pointless tolerating the existence of deserts and oceans, all which contribute to climate change, if no people are prepared to live and grow forests on them. Anywhere that trees don’t grow is a menace, because only trees can soak up CO2 which causes climate change.

Farming, among other practices, is counter-productive to climate and must be halted to stop climate change. Animals that belch are catapulting the planet and solar system – because Mars and Venus are also heating up – towards a catastrophic end for the universe. Cows and sheep take up land that could be used for forests. Only the Green Party know the full extent of this, such is their advanced wisdom on the matter. Meat and dairy production must be stopped. Nor is eating vegetables an option either, as they need to be harvested, and that requires exercise which produces CO2. All engines, heaters and lights must be stopped, because they cause or contribute to climate change. Nor can we burn candles (wax produces CO2), walk anywhere (puff out more CO2), or light fires (burning wood and coal produces CO2).

Fishing is ruinous to the climate because not only is it an industry that uses boats that have engines which burn fuel, but it also enables people to physically work, which produces CO2. And because it harms a species of dolphin that already is sensitive to climate change, closing down fishing is an environmental necessity.

All of life produces and consumes carbon, in an endless cycle. As carbon contributes to climate change we must end life. Many measures are now in place to achieve this. Taxes are being introduced that are forcing people into homelessness and bankruptcy. The health service is grinding to a halt because it is unworkable, allowing many to die, and there is no effective police force left to prevent or adequately punish those who choose to murder. Those in charge of our transport are doing a fine job of eradicating life, with many dangerous corners now in place, especially near schools, designing cars that go ever faster on inadequate roads and a drinking culture that ensures plenty of driving errors. Larger loads on trucks are now being introduced that will increase the numbers of these accidents. Finally the world’s seas, the sky, and the troposphere, through the loss and gain of carbon dioxide absorption and surface release of carbon dioxide, have also been found to affect climate change and therefore should be gotten rid of. We cannot tip the sea into the sea because that has already been done. Removal of the sky also poses problems. How to complete the task will no doubt occupy the creative minds of generations to come.