“Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed.” Michael Pritchard

Fear: False Evidence Appearing Real I think about this helpful acronym whenever I come face to face with my fears….which can often swamp me into a state of visceral anxiety—complete with a racing heart, sweaty palms, a churning stomach. My fears fall into the same category as many other folks: fear of bridges, fear of tunnels, fear of failure, and fear of rejection. Those fears cover a pretty broad swath of life and could severely limit me if I let them. I’d like to talk about how I overcame a particularly debilitating fear that was keeping me from a lot of adventures and enjoyment: the fear of driving over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge.

I actually thought I had conquered this fear several years ago when I visited California and cruised over the Golden Gate Bridge to Marin County. I was excited to be there, but more than that, I was thrilled that I could drive over the bridge alone and not feel sick or have palms so sweaty that I couldn’t grip the steering wheel. With that fear conquered, I figured I could drive over any bridge, leaving that fear abandoned and powerless. But I was wrong.

Ann at the base of the Golden Gate Bridge

When I drove over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge a few years ago to attend a writers’ conference on Maryland’s Eastern Shore, I was shocked by my reaction. Suddenly, my palms were sweating, my heart was racing, and my mind was filled with awful scenarios. Crashing into the car in front of me. Driving over the side of the bridge into the wintery waters of the Chesapeake. Being pinned between two cars with no escape but the water.

Once I got to the other side, I was somewhat relieved until I blurted out, “Shit, I just have to turn around and do this again in about five hours.” I confided my fears to a friend who offered to ride with me on the way home. Her company and her constant chatter as we drove over the 4.3 mile span of the bridge got me to the other side, but I still struggled mightily with anxiety and catastrophic scenarios. Even though my fears severely limited many of my weekend plans, I avoided driving over the bridge again until this past July.

Determined to overcome my fear about driving over the bridge, I got my chance when my friend and I took at trip to visit the Harriet Tubman Museum in Cambridge, Maryland, in late July. We took her car, but she asked me to drive over the bridge because she was afraid. Here was my chance to deal with my fear.

I recalled reading that visualizing is a powerful way to be able to successfully perform something you consider challenging. Your mind can’t tell if what you are visualizing is real or imaginary, so in essence, you are giving yourself positive practice experiences whenever you visualize success. Knowing I would probably have to drive over the bridge twice, I began visualizing my success every morning for a few days during my meditation practice.

I saw myself with my hands on the wheel and I said over and over, “I am calm and safe. “ I saw myself driving over the bridge on a sunny day and focusing on the car directly in front of me. “I cross the bridge safely and I feel happy and calm,” I recited over and over in my mind. If negative thoughts came up during the day, I returned to my mantra of being happy, safe, and calm.

As I approached the bridge, I swallowed a few drops of Kava Kava, an herbal supplement I frequently use when I feel anxiety creeping up. I recited my mantra, paid the toll, and moved onto the bridge. I kept my eyes only on the car in front of me and did not look out onto the water or at the long span stretching in front of me. My hands stayed dry and the butterflies in my stomach were few and far between. My friend chatted all the way over the bridge and they we high-fived once I made it to the other side. I did the same thing a few days later on the way home.

Success! I count myself as successful even though I still felt a little nervous, and my hands still sweated a little on the way home. My anxiety was very manageable. But best of all, I know I had used some powerful tools to overcome my fears. My fears were like a dragon, but as Noela Evans reminds us, “Challenge is like a dragon with a gift in its mouth. Tame the dragon, and the gift is yours.”

Nominated for Pushcart Prize – 2014 and 2016

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Testimonials

The opportunity to be with other women, to engage in purposeful journaling, and to receive guidance from Ann enabled me to begin the next chapter of my life. Becky Salerno

"purposeful journaling....enabled me to begin next chapter in my life."

Great combo of organization and hands-on opportunity. You are a wonderful facilitator — enthusiastic, welcoming, and encouraging. Kit Turen

"Great combo of organization and hands-on opportunity."

Ann Bracken is a gifted and dedicated educator, expressive arts coach, and poet. She infuses her work with a refined aesthetic sensibility that engages her clients and creates an environment where positive change and new learning can happen in unique ways. Michel Groter

"...positive change and new learning can happen in unique ways."

“In clear, everyday language, Ann Bracken shows us the power of words to redeem the worst sort of misery. “The Altar of Innocence” chronicles the ultimately triumphant journey of a sensitive child through the minefield of alcoholism and depression. Ann’s beautiful spirit shines through in every poem.” Barbara Quick, , author of Vivaldi’s Virgins and A Golden Web

"triumphant journey of a sensitive child..."

“I just listened to your interview and it was so moving and rich. Your poetry reading is only surpassed by your poetry. Though I think poetry is meant to be read aloud so the reading and the work are really one. Just beautiful. Thank you.” Eileen C.

A moving and rich interview

“to say that I was blown away by your poems, would be a gross underestimation!…I want every administrator, every new teacher, everyone to read your book.”

Binki McKenna, Media Specialist

amazing poems

Your poems are moving. You are able to present the painful reality without being hard on either of your parents. I think they would be very proud of you. I think your poetry does offer hope and healing to those in similar or even just emotionally difficult situations. Jane M.

"your poetry offers hope and healing....."

Ann Bracken’s book, The Altar of Innocence, explores the cycle of her mother’s mental illness and alcoholism and its legacy in her own life. With searing honesty and gripping details, the book creates an unforgettable portrait not just of two women but also of the ailing cultures that surround them. At the end there is an image of a ceramic heart that has been glued back together—”even broken, it was beautiful”—that makes a powerful figure both for the soul of the poet, forged through trauma, …

"the book creates an unforgettable portrait not just of two women but also of the ailing cultures that surround them. "

“I read through the whole book the day I got it, went back to reread and underline all the things I loved so I could tell you about them…then life took over. The short of it is that I absolutely love it…” Under the twigs of youthful dreams” ” wanting the sweet relief of wine in her veins” ” blunting the tide and inviting me in” ” and always the martinis” ” between truth and loyalty” “my good night hugs are not returned by either parent” ” her blood rivering down the drain” ” the invisible boul…

"I read through the book the day I got it."

This poetry residency made the children love poetry in a new way. Ann’s passion for poetry rubbed off on every student and helped them to be successful. Michele Barron, Teacher, Howard County Public Schools