formative years

by Helen

HiI come from avery poor large family(father had undiagnosed MS and therefore couldn't work and didn't believe in his wife working (not able to as having baby after baby.)I know for a fact that my care as an under five was left to my older brothers, only one of whome took any responsibility for me. I believe I idolised them and followed them like a puppy (wanting to ware shorts and have short hair). Some of the time spent going out and about with my father who needed to be with someone because of fear of some kind of siezure or attack (anxiety possibly). My mother had another baby when i was 3yrs but was responsible for five other children and the household chores etc. I don't remember playing at home just TV etc and as i got older played with other little girls-they had a nice house, somewhere to play and toys and i always or almost always had to do things there way if i wanted to stay. This doesn't sound too bad but i don't think there was much adult ssuppervision and i know unecceptable events occurred and i was quite vulnerable. I think I enjoyed school and tried to fit in but always felt different. I know my older brother was abullyAt seven we moved which resulted in lost friends and i think i would play with whoever was available.My older brother was a bully and i remember running away with my brothers we didn't stay away overnight but illustrates the family dynamics-he was later diagnosed with scitzophrenia and as we got older the family environment was quite violent at times. I would not be scared of intimidation or aggression. Parental discaplin quite lax (didn't believe in slapping). I was verbally abused at certain times growing up-wAS Thumped and called derogatory names. my brothers would have alout fights often instigated by my eldest brother.My father as i became adolescent critisiced my appearance and eventually left the home because he couldn't cope with his disability and had an affair with his carer. No real father figure (not involved). My mother then began to work leaving everyone to manage at home.

I am in an abusive marraige (mild/moderate). Even though i have brought up 5 children and have managed a less than happy marraige I feelresponsible for solving our marrital problems and for the welbeing of my children despite only one being under 16.At the moment I am anxious and my inner critic is as strong as ever. I know I am wasting my time trying to fix our relationship or to be responsible for my husbands emotional wellbeing but find it too scary to attempt at this late stage to get into the labour market and get my needs met.

I tell people about my husbands behaviour and have very little awareness of how hurtful it is (i am desentasised) and i can only get angry on other peoples behalf but am trying to be more assertive and put bounderies in place. I came on your website looking at shame and abandonment issues (thinking they related to my husbands abusive behaviour) not realising that they probably impact on me also but that I internalise them.helen

Comments for formative years

You are evolving Helen. Good for you! Half the battle is won when we start to become aware of what some of the issues might be for us. I started this journey about 10 years ago at the age of 48.... up to that point I was oblivious to what was "wrong" and what I could do about it. Basically what was wrong was my false belief system that was ingrained in me from my formative years. I have come to realize that my programming was basically installed by wounded caretakers . I learned to reparent myself and change these erroneous beliefs. It has all come together now after much ongoing work. The website www.innerbonding.com helped me tremendously in my personal growth. It is a process. Good luck to you! You can do it!!

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