To my little brother

Its been a month since we found out that you decided this life is not for you. I was prepared for a while loosing mom or dad but for this i would have never be prepared. The perfect number of 4 is no more , we are back to the original trio. It hurts so much when i say this, cause its true. You were the last one to come in our lives and the first to go. I lit up 22 candels on your birthday but i am still not sure if you were 21 or 22 . You were short with 2 weeks and make me confused. For me you were 22 , cause you know it was my lucky number. Kiki misses you so much and feels so much guilt that i am afraid for her. I wish i could tell you to take care of her, she feels so alone. Sometimes i forget that the DNA test was made and an idea that you might be somewhere takes over, like you used to say you’ll go in Tibet to the monks. But the i remember you are you and you were the one who jumped from the fifth floor. This makes me wanna crumble to the floor praying for all this to be a bad dream. Your friend Nina said something that still hearts ‘ you guys are such a beautiful family ‘…this was 3 hours before your funeral. I just dont see the beauty in it now. Sometimes i wish we would find a letter or find out from someone that you indeed had intentions of doing this, but in the same time this doesnt really mather , you wont come back , just that it will hurt a little bit more knowing someone knew and we all family and friends didn’t know anything. Nomather of all this we / I love you and i am sorry that the intensity of our love did not show as much as the intensity of our pain now. Cause you made us feel like the perfect family 2 boys 2 girls. Different but talking the same language when caught up in our philosophies about life and s—. I will always love Pupac. And i really hope your soul is where you wanted to be. I will forever miss you and ever. Hope to see you someday somewhere….