This is the spiritual journey of me, Eccles, my big brother Bosco, and my Grate-Anti Moly. Eccles is saved, not sure about Bosco, and we've got real problems with Anti.

This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 9 August 2017

Excommunication from the Church of Google

With the decline in Christianity, many people have moved to the Church of Google, a worldwide
organization run by a "pope" called Sundar Pichai. Unlike in the Catholic Church, for instance,
where answers to fundamental questions are hard to come by if Pope Francis chooses not to
supply them, the Church of Google has answers to everything.

A "google" in Oxford comments on the state of religion there.

Ask the god Google for "answers to the dubia", and, after first offering you "answers to the Dubai", because it thinks it knows better
than you do, it finally admits that there are 91,200 results for your query - which is probably one per Catholic priest (except for the Pope himself, of course).

But that is not all that Google will do for you. If today is the 147th anniversary of the birth of Aloysius Squirm, the inventor of the
singing bottle-opener, it will tell you. Or more likely, it is the 112th anniversary of the death of Ms Bruce Wurgledoom,
the famous pioneer of transgenderism.

What Google won't tell you, is that the day is Easter, let alone the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Religious
festivals are highlighted if they are politically correct, so the Aztec "Day of Organ Removal" will be remembered by a jolly "doodle"
showing a high priest going about his business - if you are lucky there will be an interactive game, in which Google encourages you to
remove the liver, spleen, kidneys, etc. of a heretic.

A religiously diverse doodle for the Aztecs.

The teaching of Google is sometimes regarded as intrusive. Messages such as "You searched for the phrase 'Thomas the Tank Engine', so here are some
adverts for sex toys that we thought might interest you" have been criticised by some conservatives. Still, the faithful say that Google knows best.

But this week we discovered that all is not well in the Church of Google, as Pope Sundar excommunicated one of his priests,
Father James Damore (which is almost an anagram of "Father James Martin", but that's probably a coincidence).
Father James's offence was to write a parish letter on the subject of Equality (everyone is equal) and Diversity (oh no, they aren't!)

The Google faithful are encouraged to fly KLM because of its "diversity" policy on safety.

Unlike many churches, the Church of Google does ordain women; however, as with the Anglicans, many people regard their ministry
with suspicion. We tried to find a Google "mother" to comment on Fr James's claim that women weren't capable of coping with stress, but
they were all so upset that they had decided to spend the day at home. (The men were all away with hangovers, so at least in this respect
everyone was equal.)

Pope Sundar explained to us that "free speech" at Google was used in the same sense as "Comment is free" is used by the Guardian.
The faithful may say what they like, provided that it not heretical - a bizarre idea that will never catch on in the modern
Catholic Church!

List of awards this blog has won

Best blog by an idiotBest blog by someone who is truly savedBlog most read by saved peopleCruellest blog attacking saintly pious peopleMost spiritual blog by a sockpuppetKieran Conry prize for virtue, modesty and humilityPottymouth Times award for the nastiest blog everStupidest pictures ever seen on a blogLeast read blog of 2015 (2nd prize to Bruvver Bosco)Tina Beattie medal for promoting orthodoxy"Utter filth" (Sheds and Shedmen, Croydon)

Bishop of Lancaster's cup for well-placed ad hominem attacks

Eccles has been named as one of the 100 most influential saved people in Notting Hell, by the prestigious Calumny Chapel Parish Newsletter.