An advice uncalled for..

Well, I have already talked, ranted and roared about this here. Yet, there seems to be no end to it. I am sure you guys know I have a hard time keeping my feelings inside when someone ticks me off with stupid, insensitive comments. Often, I try to take it lightly or pretend to just ignore it. But sometimes it gets too overwhelming for me to handle.. It goes to an extent that it depresses me to the core. These days, I encounter a lot of dreaded TTC (Trying to Conceive) comments that people make when they meet me. So much so, that they don’t even let me talk or explain my stance.

When someone is really close and can take my jokes well, I tell them that God has kept my petition under process. When any of the grandparents ask, I assure them that they will definitely play with their kollu peran/petti (great grandchildren). I tell them that they will be fit and fine till then. Thankfully, both parents and in-laws are not too nosy and are quite rational when it comes to this issue. And what do I say about the husband? S is an absolute sweetheart and is my rock solid support. What bothers me is when the advice I hear comes from some Tom, Dick and Harry. Worst of all if its a man, I mean some uncle on the other end. I don’t even understand what and how should I reply to a random man about why I have not had kids yet. I haven’t even discussed this with my dad or my fil. Boss, trying for a kid or not trying is our choice and nobody has any right to question us on that. For all you know I might decide to not have my biological kids at all and just adopt one or decide to have a few pets, and that’s it..(Btw, I am joking). The point I am trying to make is that the decision of having a kid, when to have it, where to have it etc etc is a decision that me and S have to take.

Sadly, here it does not look like that at all ..So many people seem to have taken such an active interest in our lives. I feel like a celebrity under the scanner..Recently, a cousin who is older to me and got married after me asked when would I make him a mama. I politely told him that we are still thinking about it. He immediately brought our age into picture. Personally,I think we’re still very young. In an age where people don’t even think of getting married before 30, 28 is not too old at all. When I told this in a very subtle sense he started giving me gyan that people have kids at 25 and that I should have been well prepared by now. I might sound rude but frankly speaking I find people who have kids even before their first anniversary to be very desperate. But that’s my opinion and I know I might be wrong in thinking like that. Did I go about telling this to him?

S is a very sensible guy. He always feels that we should never decide to have a child because people feel that we should have one. We should plan for it when we are ready for it physically, mentally and financially. Both of us love kids and very much want our parents, grandparents, all those nosy uncles and aunties to play Ringa Ringa with our kid. All we ask for is little bit of patience from their end.

One other person that I met today told me all dreadful stories of people who had fertility issues and could not conceive for 7-8 years. I know he was indirectly hinting that I should start planning for kids soon. Those stories scared me and upset me so much that I started crying..

Initially, I took these people and their remarks lightly, then I started bothering about it. There was a point when it became too much and I started forcing it on S. Now, it has started to depress me. Most people do not know even know for sure if we have already started trying or not and I choose not to discuss it with anyone. But people don’t seem to get it at all.

Adding to my woes are few astrologers and face readers who have been telling me if I do not have kids by 2014 it might get delayed further. When I hear someone say that I start dwindling between fate and free will, a topic which deserves another blog post. Sometimes, I feel what is the use of Secret and Law of Attraction, of the countless prayers and poojas that I do to God, if everything depends on one birth-chart which I did not even draw. These comments from astrologers have only weakened my confidence..

I have already been a bit upset over few issues lately and incidents like these cause a lot of emotional upheaval.

So here are top 3 questions that super-nosy, excessively curious and unnecessarily inquisitive people should not ask any couple:-

1) When are you planning for a child? Have you started planning for child or not and yada yada.. :- If you are not the one who is going to take care of the child then you have no reason to ask people any such questions. Yes, if you have a role to play in that child’s upbringing then you could find out for your own selfish reason. Otherwise, SHUT UP!!

2) Is there a good news already? I can see glow on your face or I can see the tummy bulging already:- I feel like slapping people when they ask this to me shamelessly. I could have abdominal bloating, gas, constipation, PCOS, hormonal imbalance, lack of exercise, unexplained weight gain and what not that is causing fat accumulation in my tummy. Do you ask a man with a paunch if he is pregnant, No, right? Please, please clarify before you utter such random statements. It gets too embarrassing for the other person.

3) Are you guys using contraception or are you guys on some planning :- Don’t be surprised! People have asked me this. All I have done so far is show them a few of my weird smiles which I have practiced for these special occasions, the ones that Chandler gives when he is asked to pose for photos 😛

Even worse, I have a few friends who have some issues with fertility and have been trying for 3-4 years. I can’t tell you how people are making their lives miserable by popping unnecessary advice. I will do another post on this one too,

Sometimes, people might wonder if they can’t ask these questions or tell x,y,z things then what should they do? My advice to them is say/ask NOTHING unless asked for. If a friend confides in you then be there for him/her. Ask if you can help them in anyway instead of giving them some random gyan. Pregnancy, kids , fertility are very touchy subjects. You can never be sure how a statement of yours could hurt the other person. Even if you’ve been there before it doesn’t mean that what worked for you is going to work for everyone. The key here is to LISTEN and only LISTEN..You don’t know what favor you would be doing to them by just listening.. I have been hearing infertility stories for almost 10 years. All I do is just listen to my friends because I know they just want a place to vent out. Not everyone has a blog like us and awesome blogger friends, right?

Uffff!!I feel like I have unloaded half a Kg of weight from my head and 1 and 1/2 kg from my heart.

So, folks, what do YOU have to say to me 😉 ??? 😉 😉

Sia

Advertisements

Share this:

Like this:

Related

Post navigation

9 responses

No more words.. but just hugs hugs and more hugs okie? I have wrote about it earlier, have cribbed a lot to S and sometimes even cried. But people around us never seem to stop Sia. I have been getting a lot of this and in my case its much worse. S and I are not living together anymore and still if I get a question on my pregnancy.. how do I explain it to that dumb stupid person? Isnt this the most basic thing? Why are people so nosy? I suffered beyond words in sis’d wedding. Every Tom, Dick and Harry would be after me giving me advises. It left such a scar in my heart.

And in my case too, S is my rock solid support. Sometimes I go into pressurizing him too. But he too tells we do have our kids becasue we want them and not because others are pushing us. I think its very valid. But these ppl talk about the issues, examples of couples trying for so long yada yada making us go into depression. Sigh.

One more incident that recently happened with me. I havent been visiting parents or Parents-in-law – that is not going Chennai for abt 1.5months, mainly due to work stress and all that. MIL calls me two days before to ask if there is any good news that I am postponing my trip. Arghhhhh! There should be a miracle, that puts in a baby into my stomach when my husband is not around. I really want to scream. 😦 😦

Aww Thanks GB – Hugs back to you..Social gatherings are the worst places when you are on TTC..I can totally imagine your plight..But stay strong gurl..As long as our husbands are supportive we don’t have to worry at all.. 🙂

hugs to yo. never listen to those idiots who ask question. . put t in a garbage. . i can feel how irritated t ll be when every one corner us in for this. i have even scolded my mom million time to my sister and i have asked directly to her face that dont yo feel bad to ask her private things.getting baby s not a big
factor but but it must be full of our wish and not because some ex person got a baby. how far we are sure that they planned and got. don live a life of a machine that they have done. enjoy t. it s not necessary that complication of one person can be similar to other one. . no single human and no single baby are same. there are certain things that are unique in life and these two or one among them. .

The one standard reply which Zack and I always give when we are asked for kids – “Everything will happen when God wills”. That shuts them up. You seem to have too many prying folks. Not wrong to use Chandler’s sarcasm at all my lady 😀