Wednesday, October 19

MDLL and I texted every day last week, so it wasn't much of a break. I ended up stopping by the bar to see him Saturday night. It was a dumb decision considering it was 2am and we both had been drinking for a few hours. We had our first spat. Not quite an argument or fight, just a spat.

The next day I was angry. I'm still angry. I hate this. I hate being in this situation. I hate feeling this way. I hate him. Okay, that's a lie although we broke up for good Sunday night. We hit a wall. There's nothing left to do until his divorce is final.

I didn't hear from him again until last night. He called and apologized for everything. He said he's going to get divorced as soon as possible. He loves me and wants us to be together. It felt good to hear his voice and hear him take responsibility for it all, but truthfully I'm not holding my breath. There's no reason for me to believe he's going to see this through in a timely manner. If he does, I don't know how we'll bounce back from this considering my trust in him is wavering.

A couple of years ago I had a falling out with a good friend. I made my peace with it a while ago. She, well, not so much. While it's uncomfortable knowing someone in the world hates me, the hardest part is the resulting split of our group of friends. The ones I'm still friends with are neutral, the rest took her side and don't speak to me. Sometimes it hurts me that no one took my side and dropped her, but I get over it. The important thing is I am not letting it eat me up anymore. I have too many good things in my life to hold onto the bad vibes.

The reason I brought her up is she's about to get divorced. Her husband dropped a bomb out of nowhere. I feel AWFUL. I remember when they met, I was at their wedding, and he was always nice to me after the fight, at least to my face. What a fucking dick though. I get that people break up, but he did it in a very shitty way. I want to reach out and support her, but like I said, she hasn't let our drama go and probably never will.

Since I can't do any thing for her, I am trying to learn from the experience and put my life in perspective. I hope that doesn't read shitty. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. What I mean is, her break up just goes to show that you never fucking know what will happen. If you asked me a month ago if I thought they'd stay together, I'd say yes. Shit, if you asked her a month ago I'm sure she would, too. My point is, all we can ever do is trust ourselves, have faith we will survive what life throws at us, love the way we want to be loved, and hope for the best. I know she'll make it through this and even though my situation with MDLL is nowhere near the disappointment and heartache she must be feeling, I know I will make it through this too.

I decided I'm taking the next two months off from boys. I'm going to enjoy the rest of the year by focusing on how to make myself a better person. 2011 started off shitty and, break up aside, is ending up awesome. I feel stronger, wiser, and more stable. Somehow this has become the best year of my entire life and I want to see it through.

Up next, Thighs Family trip to California starts tomorrow! Have I ever mentioned my dad is an Oakland Raiders fan? Very strange considering he was born and raised in Brooklyn. Anyhoo, I've wanted to take him to a home game for years. We're finally going this weekend. I cannot WAIT to see his face when we get there. I took him to a Jets/Raiders game in '05 (I think) and he was like a kid on Christmas. There I was, freezing my ass off all bundled up, while he sat on the edge of his seat, coat unzipped, no hat, no gloves, with happy twinkles in his eyes. I love that punk. My word I am getting sentimental in my old age...

My mom and brother are coming, too. We haven't taken a family vacation since Disney World in 1997. My mom and I fought the entire time. I was probably the only person in the history of the world contemplating suicide in the Magic Kingdom. Yes, I was always dramatic.

Keep your fingers crossed the trip goes well, things turn around for an old friend, and MDLL gets his shit together so we can start fresh in the new year.