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Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers. Who says pilots and controllers don't have a sense of humor.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we makeup here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a727?"

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. Whileattempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly longroll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at theend of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take theGuadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." ________________________________

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich ,overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):"Because you lost the bloody war!"

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to holdshort of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came backwith a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, buthow to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of activerunway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate locationnow." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have younot been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727..An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you toturn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop rightthere. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between Cand D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shoutinghysterically: " Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! Stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chanceengaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in everycockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot brokethe silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

Good Review of the Old Stories. I was once told by a controller that the FAA didn't allow them to have a sense of humor anymore (which I thought was rather funny) and that they really had to tone it down. As a commercial airline pilot I regularly hear things on the radio that make me chuckle, but nothing like some of these.

How long has Pan Am been gone?How about Eastern?or TWA?

There are few B727's, DC-10's or Fokker 100s operating in the US, and none for Major Airlines (United, Delta, American or US Airways).

Great stories but, I suspect, apocryphal -- or very old. I've done a bit of piloting (in the UK) and airway discipline is pretty strict. Bandwidth is limited, and pilots are trained to talk almost in code, to mimize the amount of airtime used. It's unusual even to hear a complete sentence, let alone sarcasm.

The longest non-code exchange I've ever heard was:

Control to pilot: [callsign] Please be advised that if you don't land in five minutes, we're operating unlicensed.Pilot: Oops! Sooooooryyyyy! [callsign]