Originally posted by Cooljule: I try to think back before the abuse...what things i like..things i did....when i was not so consumed with the sex thing....

Because I was only 7/8 years old and I was so scared, I have forgotten so much of what life was before the abuse. I have tried to do that but I feel the abuse altered things in me. My memories are surround by issue tired to sex.

I have a memory of a record ablum cover of band (not sure which band) that was completely nude(privates blacked out) sitting on hay stackes in a barn. I remember being interested in what was under the blacked out spots. I have memories of my brother and his friends looking at nudie magazines and having no interest. I remember taking a showers with my friends per abuse and looking see him nake-it. Are these the things that help define "Who I am?"

I remember the first time I seen a girl nake-it and making fun of the fact that see didn't have a penis like my. I remember the first time I touch a girls privated and being disappoint because she didn't have something for me to hold and not liking the wettness. Are these the things that help define "Who I am?"

I was a lonely child, my only friends were my brother's friends, two of which, unknown to each other and years a part sexually abused me. The second of which, I can't hate but have a desire to comfront. So he knows, even after what he did I am able to stand-up and comfront him. The other two abusers, I have no desire to comfront or make any type of contact with. I find this very strange.

I wonder "Who I am?", but I know in due time the answer will come till then I will continue to try to be the best person I can be. The best Daddy to my two daughters that I can be. The best friend to the woman that is my wife, even if I'm not complete open with her about my abuse and the confusions it causes me. The best at my career. These are the thngs that define "Who I am?" for now, but change is continuous.

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All my best!!!

In harmony,Troy________________________________________________________I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

i dont think i "am" my thoughts - especially thoughts about the past (memories - do they define me?) or even thoughts about the future (hopes - are they the "real" me?)

i disagree with "i think, therefore i am" completely...

when i think, it's usually about the past or the future - so that the verb tense is either "was" or "will be" but not "am"...

should read: "i think, therefore i was or will be"

when i don't think, i "am"

too esoteric, i know..but the real "me" is who or what i decide to be and do at every turn of the step, trying to stay present and not let either the past or future define me

what happened to me in terms of abuse is no longer my problem to deal with - it's my brother who has to apologize and deal with the consequences. i've confronted him and he was ok, but in the end i am ok with the person i am today

have a great new year everyone...

john

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walker, there is no path, you make a path as you go...

I've come to the conclusion that "Who am I?" is the right question, but there are no answers that can be given verbally or with words. Who one is will be defined by actions, words and deeds on a daily basis.

Being comfortable with my being gay is second only in difficulty to being comfortable with my having been sexually abused.

While I was abused long before declaring, as an adult, my sexual orientation, I cannot deny that the feelings, i.e. of my sexual orientation, were germinating before the time I was sexually abused.

It has been, and continues to be, difficult for me to look at one without also seeing the other. On my good days I view myself with the compassion I freely and objectively give any other self-identified survivor. On my bad days I retreat to the misconceptions and stereotypes, hating being gay and wondering if I would be had the abuse not happened (it was other-than-sexual abuse a few years before being sexual).

All in all I am not a poster boy for gay 'pride', the parades so named I participate in more for their (admittedly decreasing) protest value than anything else.

Despite seeing a terrific social worker these days I took my abused past with me when I visited my Mom and family over the holidays. This 'invisible date' did not speak up but it was never too far from the surface.

My s.w., who is half my age, admires me for my resilience. I wish I was better able to do so.

Kenn

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"This above all; to thine own self be true."

I am reading a book my T recommended called "The Velvet Rage" which talks about gay men growing up in a straight world. A subtitle for the book could be, "Gay Shame: Origins and Ramifications".

It is shame that I am dealing with now- the shame of being different, of not belonging anywhere, of not living up to the (often unspoken) expectations that I grew up with.

I'm going to quote a passage here that is particularly relevent. The passage follows a story about a young man who could not accept himself as being gay and jumped off a bridge. His name was Mitch. He left a note saying he would rather be dead than gay.

Quote:

Even though we may not have been suicidal, most -- if not all -- gay men start at this place of being overwhelmed with the shame of being gay in a world that worships masculine power. This begins the first of three stages in a gay man's life, and it is a stage that is characterized by being overwhelmed by shame. This is the start of his journey as a gay man, and it is by far the most difficult and damaging. He'd do anything not to be gay. He suffers immensely the pain of knowing that he can't change the one thing that makes him so different from other men. He imagines that being gay will ruin his life completely, and there is nothing he can do to change it.

During stage one, the shame over being gay reaches a loud crescendo. He knows there is something horribly wrong with himself and is helpless to change it. No amount of dating girls, playing straight, or even wishing changes it. Like Mitch, he is faced with the undeniable reality that he is irreversibly gay.

Coping in stage one means finding a way -- any way -- to lessen the feeling of shame. Very soon he discovers that shame is manageable if he learns to avoid cues in his world that trigger the intolerable feeling. In no time, he is about the business of avoiding all manner of situations, people, and feelings that trigger his sense of shame.

{...}

These and many other research statistics bear out a similar story -- young gay men struggle desperately with their sexuality during the early years of their adult lives. These are the years when stage one is most acute, and we haven't yet learned more functional ways to avoid the devastating aspects of shame. We are slammed head-on with shame, and it feels overwhelming, and to many, mortally unbearable.

I'm surprised at how accurate this book is in terms of the emotional side of things even though I didn't have a 'typical' childhood for a gay boy.

I trust that my therapist wouldn't have me reading this book if it wasn't going to be beneficial in some way. I'm gathering that the aim of the book is to help understand the roots of shame and how to combat the effects long-term.

Hi Dwayne, my friend who did not get upset when I landed on your web site, but instead only showed me kindness! That's who you are!

About the book, the quotes you put up about shame really apples to all of us.

I found a book on shame that I bought at a thrifty store, (my favorite hunting grounds), called Healing the Shame that binds you by John Bradshaw. I haven't read it yet but it looked interesting to me.

In regards to how our abuse might have influenced our sexual orientation. I don't know if this will shed any light on the subject or not, but I'll give it anyway.

I was abused by both females (including penetrative incest) and males (including rape and sodomy). Having experienced both before puberty, I would think that I had an equal chance of being hetero-, homo- or a- sexual. As it turns out I am homosexually oriented; despite or because of my homosexual abuse; despite or because of my heterosexual abuse. Who can say? It leads me to wonder if there is any affect at all. There are totally non-abused boys that grow up to be both gay and straight. There are those abused by men that grow up to be both gay and straight and there are those abused by women that grow up to be both gay and straight. Maybe it is not sexaul EXPERIENCE that influences our orientation, but rather something else in our development???? What that would be, I don't know.

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