First of all The Mill would just like to say sorry. This has honestly, definitely, honestly never happened before. The Mill must just be really tired. Stress at work. Maybe food poisoning. It's not you, anyway. It's us. Although, having said that The Mill would also like to take this opportunity to blame some other people. And while it will always remain a mystery what first attracted Gareth Barry to his £100,000-a-week move to mid-table Premier League goldmine Manchester City, the completion of yesterday's sensational but oddly pointless move without so much as a concerted whispering campaign, or a painfully tedious will-he-won't-he saga is a tragedy not just for The Mill, but for people who spread half-truths for the benefit of slightly bored people at work everywhere. The Transfer Merry-Go-Round, the Illiterate And Shouty Web Lies Grapevine and you. Yes, we're looking at you.

But thankfully in the land of the credulously reported half-truth, there's a sunrise every day. The world just keeps turning. For one thing, we'll always have Carlos Tevez, who, The Sun reports, may also be off to City. The keys to Tevez's dungeon manacles and the padlock to his gimp mask are currently available for a mere £32m. Plus, good old jolly Real Madrid still want Cristiano Ronaldo. And not only him, but also Franck Ribéry, sensational urban dance troupe Diversity, Iggle Piggle from In The Night Garden and a massive lump of Parmesan cheese from the deli counter that costs at least a tenner and comes in special brown paper stuff that's not really paper. Everyone except, for some reason, Arjen Robben, who is in the out-tray this week.

Steven Gerrard has "begged Liverpool" to sign Michael Owen. "I am a big fan of Michael, a good friend of his, and I would love to see him get a move away from Newcastle," he said, not really begging. Unless of course he did so while sprinting alongside a small Egyptian tourist bus banging on the window and demanding not just small change, but that you come and stay at his brother's pension for a vastly inflated finder's fee.

Swansea manager Roberto Martínez will today "snub Celtic" by passing the port to the right and also getting himself appointed Wigan manager. And Gary Megson is planning to offer £6m and an entire skip full of Haribo Star Mix for Tom Huddlestone, getting his foot in the door ahead of Aston Villa and their jumbo cinema-sized bag of Maltesers and Fulham's large tennis holdall crammed with marshmallows

In the Daily Mail Tomasz Kuszczak has "demanded an Old Trafford showdown" with Alex Ferguson, possibly at high noon and using pistols that make a strange tinny "pnnning-yeeeow" sound. And Chelsea are coming over all sweaty-palmed and husky-voiced at the mention of Milan's Alexandre Pato, available for £45m.

Except, in The Times they're shouldering open the cockpit door with a banana in their pocket and "hijacking" Kaka's move to Real Madrid. Chelsea have apparently offered "extraordinary" personal terms (transl: a lot of money. More than that. No, even more). Middlesbrough's Tuncay has come to the attention of Arsenal, presumably with his peculiarly large, doughy head and strangely child-like and wounded brown eyes.

Gazzetta dello Sport has taken a break from waving its hands in the air, drinking very small cups of coffee and making tiny little pleading gestures with its hands to suggest that Milan – now managed by occasionally incoherent BBC sofa dreamboat Leonardo - will sign Juventus striker Amauri when Kaka finally does one. Park Ji-sung has collapsed in floods of tearful laughter, before stopping suddenly and saying "sorry...how much?" at suggestions he's about to join UAE club Al Jazira, possibly as chief anchor on the evening bulletin. According to AS, via Goal.com, Galatasaray have been running their hands through the thick, manly hair of Juande Ramos, smoothing the frown lines from his brow and offering him a two-year deal to compete disappointingly in the early rounds of the Champions League and occasionally have their fans chuck things at people. And both Napoli and the egg-and-spinach-based Fiorentina want to lure the aged Christian Panucci from (a) Roma and (b) having nice long soak in his convenient walk-in bath.

And in the world of Calciomercato.com Anderlecht are under the impression it's the late 1990s and are getting excited about signing Fernando Morientes. And Pep Guardiola wants to reward Samuel Eto'o for his starring role in the Champions League final by replacing him with Zlatan Ibrahimovich, David Villa, Diego Forlan, David Villa, Karim Benzema, Howard from the Halifax ads, Mr Tumble and anyone else who knows him.