I saw an "Awesome Teacher Quotes" thread, but not a student one, so here we go:

In Comm Studies, we were going over advertising. The teacher was reading off old slogans and we had to guess what company they were from. One was "Reach Out and Touch Someone" from an AT&T campaign. None of us knew it, so it was quiet for a couple seconds. Then a kid behind me quietly says "Trojan". A couple other kids and I burst out laughing, but no one else heard it, so we got some weird looks.

Do you have any classics?

Why are we here?Because we're here, roll the bones.Why does it happen?Because it happens, roll the bones.-Rush

This is a quote of my own, I hope you don't mind. One of my friend's was talking to me and I was being kind of mean so he says "GOD!!!"So I respond by saying "No, I'm <my name here>, but It's good to know you think of me like that."

There is no enemy anywhere, only idiots with weapons.My life is worthless, how I affect others is priceless.

Last week was the science half yearly. My class did it period five (we're the "gifted and talented" class) and some of the other classes did it period two. So one of the kids who'd done it earlier was telling us how easy it was, and bragging how he'd got one right that noone else did. The question was:

A ray of light and the bond of an atom are both forms of __________ (1 word answer)

He claimed the answer was beams.

When I said he must be wrong he said "No you dumb shit, it's beams, I bet you 10 bucks it's beams."

So I get into the exam period five, find it pretty damn easy. At that question I answered "energy"

After finishing the exam I approach my science teacher who lets slip that the answer WAS in fact energy. I thrust my hands into the air, yell "I AM INVINCIBLE" and walk out of the class leaving behind a baffled teacher.

Dani: I don't want to go to the bar, he will probably put something in my drink.Iain: What, like Rohypnol?Dani: Yeah or he will probably try to rape me or something! (05/09/07)

Dani: Awww, I dropped the phone on my head... (11/09/07) (this doesn't seem funny till you realise she was actually standing up at the time. )

Dani: I didn't know that tin foil goes all sparkly in the microwave. (12/09/07)

Tony: I'm lubing up, i'm not hitting on you or anything. (25/09/07)

Mark: btw, why tf did i wake up with a phone number writen on my arm?Mark: i remember getting it, but i forget why (20/09/07)

Iain: You really are dosy bint sometimes Dani.Mark: My girlfriend's not a bint! (taking the piss out of her boyfriend... who got offended last time we called her that)Dani: Your girlfriend's in a bin?!Iain: ... *shakes head* (03/10/07)

i'll leave it there...

the only reason i left the names in is so you can see that its all the same person generaly

anyway, I have several of these. I will start with one of my own:"the natural log of anything is zero"

one of my personal favorites comes from this last year:(to computer) "stop thinking, I'm hungry!"

another from last year:"is the square root of a squirrel an imaginary squirrel?", it was decided that it would have to be a negative squirrel.

this is quite literally the first thing someone said to me upon meeting me:"hello person I don't know!", she then proceeded to stand there waving at me until her friend almost literally dragged her away.I actually knew that particular person all through high school, she just got weirder and weirder.

from my freshman year of high school:"you don't want the monkey to come out of hibernation now do you?"

I'm afraid no amount of explanation will make that make any more sense

i_ll_winn wrote:This is a quote of my own, I hope you don't mind. One of my friend's was talking to me and I was being kind of mean so he says "GOD!!!"So I respond by saying "No, I'm <my name here>, but It's good to know you think of me like that."

Idiot 5th graders used to yell "SATAN" after me because I wore black, so one day I turned around, gave one of those kids an evil glare and said "WHAT do you want?"He was frightened

We were supposed to go on a field excursion, bio teacher names what we are going to measure, says "temperature for example... and what are we measuring that with, L?" "Err... with a ... temperature measuring thingy...?"

Different grade, bio again. The formula of glucose is written on the blackboard (C6H12O6 if anyone forgot their chemistry), teacher asks "So how many C atoms are there in glucose?" Girl #1: "12". "No, that's a bit much." Girl #2: "18." (how on EARTH did she come to 18? 12 at least appears in the formula!)

Teacher: "80 percent of our sensual stimuli are visual. What's the appropriate organ? A?" (he wanted her to say /something/ in class, go figure...)A: "Skin?" (with an expression that showed she didn't do that to make fun of him but because she really /thought/ it was skin. She retook the year later and didn't take bio anymore.)

Teacher: "Yeah, we can continue this discussion over muffins."Guy: "Another text?"Teacher: "No, why? I said we'd have muffins. I baked some for the class."Guy: "Oh, okay, I thought we'd be reading something by Professor Muffins or so..."

We have been arguing about a math problem for a good few minutes. Teacher: Hmm, maybe you could multiply by three times log(x)...Student: No, 'cause then you'd be dividing by zero over at <part of equation>. Very Smart Student: DIVIDE BY LOG!!!!

Not log(x) or log(y) or anything. Just Log. Our class now has a theme phrase.

-To the tune of Guys and Dolls-"When you see a vacuole, you know that it is for, storage of waste and food you know it is! When a vacuole is contractile, it's for unincellular eukaryotes it can kill them."

this came from a current events game in one of my social studies classes, of course I don't remember the actual wording but it's close[

teacher: "police in baghdad recently found cocaine stashed in the stomach of what?"student: "babies!"

that one went up on the list of quotes that the teacher was keeping, sorry, can't remember any off that list.

this next one requires some explanation: me and some friends were playing liars dice in french class (don't ask me why, I don't remember), if you've watched pirates of the Caribbean 2 liars dice is the dice game played on the flying dutchman, if you still don't know what I'm talking about, the rules are that you have to bid that there will be a certain number of a certain number showing, for example "four fours"

so, anyway(after a large bid has been made)

that's almost half!

this became something of every game after that.

I can probably think of more later.

The Mighty Thesaurus wrote:I can tell from his word choice that he is using his penis to type.

Steax wrote:I think the courts are kinda busy right now. Something about cake and due process.

In our second year Numerical Methods class, the prof gets up to the front of the class and starts the lecture by saying "OK, so today we're learning about big-O notation. Does anyone know what the big O is?"

Alan: Programming foundations is gonna be a real bitch I think, as you said the other day, its something I potentiallly could have found very interesting but unfortunately isla has fucking ruined it for me thus far.Iain: Join the club.Alan: She is seriously dull. This tutorial is going to be utter pish on Monday. Is it just a kind of raise your hand and ask a question affair?Iain: That's usually what they are, if you have problems you ask and they sort them.Alan: Hey I have a problem, your lecture technique is like listening to a housebrick, and as painful as getting hit by one. (20/10/07)

I've been collecting amusing student quotes over the past two years. The list currently stands at 226 entries; some particularly choice ones are as follows:

"How did he prove the sun was the center of the earth?""I scotch taped my shock to my axle.""If you're making $200,000 every time your wife cheats on you, you should consider polygamy.""Be quiet! I'm going to read about urine.""Dude, that movie was insanely not that good.""I'm riding shotgun with the giant pouched rat!""I came out of my mother's womb drawing right triangles.""What's the real-life application for finding how fast water runs into something?" "Holland.""Yeah, cold steam, like comes off snow.""SATs are backed up on the Federal Reserve.""It's like reading fruitcake.""Ohm, that's the guy I love!" "You're an ohmosexual?""It's like cease and desist, but the opposite, and with learning."

There are, of course, many more. Most of the better ones seem to come from math and history classes, for some strange reason.

Alan: Programming foundations is gonna be a real bitch I think, as you said the other day, its something I potentiallly could have found very interesting but unfortunately isla has fucking ruined it for me thus far.Iain: Join the club.Alan: She is seriously dull. This tutorial is going to be utter pish on Monday. Is it just a kind of raise your hand and ask a question affair?Iain: That's usually what they are, if you have problems you ask and they sort them.Alan: Hey I have a problem, your lecture technique is like listening to a housebrick, and as painful as getting hit by one. (20/10/07)

I LOVE how you dated the quote.

"You're gonna have to learn everything anyway, so which is first is not essential."-Richard Feynman

My friend printed a paper of all these people who said either stupid things or really funny things.

Here's some: Spoiler tag'd for obvious long reasons.

Spoiler:

Dumb ASB girl: What's fecal matter?Everyone in the class: POO.

Teacher: We'll have one SAT word that starts with a 'Z'?Dumb ASB girl: Will it be 'xylophone'?

Dumb ASB girl: Who the hell is Buh-jork? [Bjork]

Kid1: So, what does that mean, mormons have a lot of wives?Mormon teacher: I have seven.

Stoner: She like... puts her hand in beans. It's a fuckin' trip. It's like... that's the whole plot. Vietnamese or French or somethin'... Don't even know, bro. Do not even know. It was like.. about how she does random shit and, like, helps a retard bag his groceries... I don't know, man. Fuckin' irie, though. You should watch it.

(He was talking about the movie Amelie)

Kid: You know how with Allstate, if you don't crash you get money back? That's how Medicare should be, if you don't get sick you get money back."

AP student: "It doesn't sound as cool as 'Confederation of the Ring'

Moron: Two Girls One Cup isn't THAT gross, it's just eating feces.

AP student: You should run for President!Other: So should you! We could be like, co-presidents!AP student: We could pretend we're stuck together!

Teacher: We're going to take a small test... like, a test-y.Student: DID YOU JUST SAY A TESTE?

Dumb Girl: Poor people are icky!

Teacher: What are we going to do to celebrate Earth Day?AP Student: Cut power lines! And burn cars!

Teacher: Whatever country you represent, you're subject to their laws.Student: So, what if you have a passport from a country that allows illegal things and come he-Other student: What if you kill someone IN SPACE?

aaron wrote:*snip*Teacher: Whatever country you represent, you're subject to their laws.Student: So, what if you have a passport from a country that allows illegal things and come he-Other student: What if you kill someone IN SPACE?

I was thinking of either meditating or napping, but the way I do it, there's not much difference except in the explanation to the rest of my family.

"If anyone finds the plot of this book, tell it I love it very much and want it to come home."

In my Dual Enrollment American History class, my teacher was talking about Eisenhower's politcal slogan,"I like Ike". Somebody asked how you get "Ike" from "Dwight", and we went through this whole thing.Finally, I said,"Well, it doesn't always make sense. It's like getting Dick from Richard."And things got quiet.My professor started to giggle and said,"My wife always asks how my day was. Today, I'm going to tell her it got a little weird"

Mr. Beck wrote:We have been arguing about a math problem for a good few minutes. Teacher: Hmm, maybe you could multiply by three times log(x)...Student: No, 'cause then you'd be dividing by zero over at <part of equation>. Very Smart Student: DIVIDE BY LOG!!!!

Not log(x) or log(y) or anything. Just Log. Our class now has a theme phrase.

That would be log base 10.I don't see the problem.But I like that as a phrase.

Mr. Beck wrote:We have been arguing about a math problem for a good few minutes. Teacher: Hmm, maybe you could multiply by three times log(x)...Student: No, 'cause then you'd be dividing by zero over at <part of equation>. Very Smart Student: DIVIDE BY LOG!!!!

Not log(x) or log(y) or anything. Just Log. Our class now has a theme phrase.

That would be log base 10.I don't see the problem.But I like that as a phrase.

i was walking past some person's desk today in art, and i suddenly hear them say

"...I just want to rip her ugly fucking hair out,..."

i spin around and look at her, everyone goes silent, and then burst out laughing. awesome.

Also, i have a "train friend" (because i only talk to her on the train) who suddenly thinks i'm really funny, because of this quote:

Her: imagine you saw someone in the grating (air conditioning duct on the roof of the train), you know, just looking down at you? what would you say?Me: Um... I wouldn't really know, normally i'm the one stuck in the roof. people just look at me funny, and sometimes offer me a screwdriver.

Nougatrocity wrote:I refute it with having several female friends that OH MY GOD I WANT TO SEX. But that doesn't get in the way of friendship.

This one was mine:\Sometime in AP Bio, the teacher was talking about plant growth where if you remove an apical meristem from a plant, one of the lateral meristems takes over and becomes an apical meristem. So I said "So it's like if I cut someones head off, his hand will grow a head?"

He then gave me a high five and said "Yes! Someone who uses as weird metaphors as me! "

Hey, I laughed.

Albert Einistein wrote:"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."

In U.S. History, our teacher gave us an assignment to make our own DBQ's (like the Document-based questions you get on AP tests). So, of course, we half-assed them, and turned them in. A few day's later, he goes to hand them back:

"Uh, yeah, guys, these really sucked. I mean, these were supposed to help you with the DBQ, not to be an exercise in suckitude. So now I'm going to hand back this fetid pile of retardation, and read select quotes from them."

The best quotes I have are from my Human Sexuality college class. The teacher is a licensed sex therapist with his own practice.

We had this assignment where we had to list the things we could, would, and are expected to do because of our gender... then the teacher asked us to do the same if we were the opposite gender.

Boy: "I would sleep with another girl."Someone else: "You could..."Boy: "No, I would."

On masochism:

Teacher (paraphrasing at best): "Masochists get off on being physically and mentally deprived of things, as well as pain."Me: "So wouldn't the greatest depravation and pain be denying themselves those things. Shouldn't that get them off even more?"Class goes dead silent and everyone looks at me.Teacher: "I... I don't know, I'll have to figure that out."

Gojoe wrote:Well, I would say something here, but it would only make it worse.

nsmjohn wrote:Teacher (paraphrasing at best): "Masochists get off on being physically and mentally deprived of things, as well as pain."Me: "So wouldn't the greatest depravation and pain be denying themselves those things. Shouldn't that get them off even more?"Class goes dead silent and everyone looks at me.Teacher: "I... I don't know, I'll have to figure that out."

Well, for some reason it doesn't work. >.< And yes, I've tried it.

Spoiler:

RoadieRich wrote:He's a super flexible furry martial artist from London. She is a Rabbit breeding mad scientist from Michigan. They fight crime!

The Great Hippo wrote:I THINK THE SOLAR SYSTEM MIGHT BE AN ATOM OF OXYGEN.