Thursday, November 22, 2012

thanksgiving amidst the big transition

It's been so long since I have posted that blogger looks completely different. I just had to search around to figure out how to create a post. Gah. I still write in my head almost every day. The little snippets of conversation or amazingly insane things the kids say. The things that make me happy and sad and pissed. I manage to save most of them up for Jason or my mom if she happens to be around and I'm in the mood, which isn't often, but then they slip away, perhaps to be remembered at a later time but likely not. I am forgetting entire months and years of my life it seems. Not forgetting completely I'm sure but if you asked me to tell you something that happened the year Mia was 2 I would be hard pressed to do so without digging through iPhoto, old emails or blog post. Most days I am fine with this. Live life day by day, learn what you can and move on. Move forward if you are allowed to do so. But, some days it bugs me. I want to document it all. I wish I had been writing for the past few years. I can't believe how lazy I have been just moving through the days, weeks, months and years without a record of every funny anecdote and possibly epiphany. I realize it's quite likely, statistically probably in fact, that I will not start writing again with any frequency just because I sat down and did so on a whim in the moment. On the other hand, things feel different some how. That too may pass but I am going to keep an eye on it and see what I can do.
Yesterday I was walking down the sidewalk with the kids, shortly after eating lunch. We had to check on our bedding at the laundromat because the dog peed on my bed and my mom's washer is too small. How's that for a reminder of what this pause of our lives looks like? Not sure I will care to dredge up many memories from these months in limbo but distance may make it all a bit rosier. We can hope. So, our of nowhere Henry proclaims that he is starving and starts this demanding, dramatic, whiny dialog about desperately wanting to eat. "Sushi. I just want sushi. Or some kind of smoked fish. Any kind of fish. No, fried fish. No, fried squid." And all I can do is laugh and wonder who in the hell this kid is and where he came from. There was no sushi to be had for several reasons and he had eaten less than 30 minus before but this went on and on for at least 10 minutes while we walked and alternated between reasoning and ignoring him. We took care of laundry business and went to the library and that was the end of that. I didn't hear a word about fish or any other food for at least a few hours until dinner. In fact, I don't think he wanted to eat dinner.
Silly little thing, yes, but I am struck but how important and all consuming that desire was in the moment. I took over his body and mind completely and then it was gone. It really must be hard to live with the ebb and flow of that level of passion and desire on a daily basis and maybe I can be just a little more understanding. Some days at least.
I do know that I am more thankful and at peace on an average day during the last few years than I had been in very many years past and that is saying something for sure.