An uncommonly clever, insightful, and funny voice of reason* in all this multiple sclerosis silliness

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Extreme Avoidance

I’ve never been much of a shopper. Case-in-point,
I’ll conjure up the most bizarre combination of foods remaining in the pantry
and fridge to avoid going to the grocery store, which drives Laura bonkers.
Sure, I can make dinner with carrots, leftover rotisserie chicken, frozen peas,
half a lime, fish sauce, and a package of ramen (hmm, sounds kinda tasty). And
just as suddenly as I develop my spontaneous menu, my wife is at the grocery
store purchasing all these fresh veggies with instructions for me to use them
or else. Ah, success once again in sidestepping shopping. But sometimes your
hand is forced. Like when your underwear needs replacing.

Yeah, I know. Dave, it’s just underwear. You can
wear it forever. No one will know how smarmy it is. That’s what I thought, too,
until I finally held a pair of my boxers up for inspection and discovered it
was basically a rag barely attached to an elastic band. The holes had gotten so
big that a warning label was required as the undies were now choking hazards
for small children. (“What happened to little Jimmy? Got his head caught in
Dave’s boxers—a tragedy. At least they were freshly laundered.”) If I were to
put this pair in a piece of luggage and try to fly with it, TSA would
confiscate it for immediate incineration. The Smithsonian has been leaving
messages to put it on display as an artifact from the 20thcentury.
You get the picture. And if you didn’t, I’ve included a pic of said undies. I’m
sorry, there are some things you can’t un-see.

Okay, shopping was now required. Ugh.

As someone with multiple sclerosis, and being,
well, a dude, there are few chores I dread as much as wandering crowded, loud
malls teeming with oblivious shoppers who almost appear to go out of their way
to run into you in order to look at inexpensive sunglasses and cellphone cases on
a cart by the escalator. (Speaking of escalators, tragically a woman recently
died in China falling into one and another man lost his leg, yikes.) The
cacophony of it all just gets to be too much.

Men's underwear circa 15th century. That's damn old.

So when I have to clothes shop, I make it count.
If I’m forced to be physically present in a store to try on stuff—jeans,
shirts, shoes—I’m buying enough to last me a few years. This technique
obviously has risks, which explains some of my dated fashion disasters. (I
thought, unwisely, that Dockers and pastels were going to last longer than 1986.)
But when it comes to clothing that does not need spousal approval, i.e.,
underwear, I order by the pallet, fashion sense be damned.

Now I am awash in so much
underwear that I could fill a tub and bathe in Hanes. Our rag drawer is again
bursting with newly added cotton dusters, all with a convenient front pouch to
grip. And my MS will not thwart shopping trips for years. Because, let’s be
honest, I’m not venturing out shopping again until I need new underwear!

Thanks for the uplifting post, Dave. As much as it pains me to say this, it was funny as usual.

I hate shopping, also, which makes me even grumpier at Christmas. I'm particularly grumpy now that I'm a caregiver for The Husband Who Was Not Invited to Chicago. He had tear duct surgery so looks like I went at him with a bat. I didn't. Really.

Why are you wasting valuable time and energy shopping for underwear? Order online from WalMart or Amazon or even Neiman Marcus. Try them on at home and if they don't fit Amazon (in most cases --check the specific listing) will let you send them back for free. They even send UPS to pick them up.

Thanks Joan. And anon, I do most of my shopping online, too. But some things require your presence, like getting fitted for a suit. As for the docksiders, I was referring to pastel docksiders. Yikes. But they do exist....

At one point in time there was a Jockey Outlet store in Santa Fe.All of the department stores in ABQ quit carrying the style my husband wore... so I had to buy them on line or at a Jockey Outlet store in another state.

The undies are expensive but lasted me 3 times longer than similar undies I could find at Wal-Mart or Target.

I buy undies for both husband and I from Jockey.com... you can build up points there and at the Jockey Outlet stores and eventually will get money (script) you can use to buy anything from them. At some point in time they will mail you the script which can be used in outlet store or at the Jockey On Line outlet.

Both the stores and on line store have discontinued styles and colors which can be very cheap. If you get a chance go to one of the outlet stores.. there are ones North of Denver and in Phoenix area. The outlet stores have some different merchandise than is available on line. Next time I go to Dallas I will check out the outlet stores around there.

If you think buying undies like that is lazy, at one time when my husband and I lived in SE Albuquerque there was a JC Penny catalog store and I ordered all his levis from them. Also I picked them up at that store. I ordered the pants out of the catalog by making a phone call. You could also mail in catalog orders or go to a catalog store or catalog department in a JC Penny store.

He wore the JC Penny brand of levis. Way back then, people didn't have stuff delivered to their homes by UPS.. it was expensive. Catalog ordering was big in the 1950ies up until close to 1980.

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About the Blog

This is the official blog of ActiveMSers, which is designed to help, motivate, and inspire those with multiple sclerosis to stay as active as possible—physically, intellectually, and socially—regardless of physical limitations. It is written by founder Dave Bexfield and was started in 2006. Topics include: getting diagnosed, dealing with symptoms, staying active, and hope. Laughter is always encouraged.

About Me

For better or worse, I’ve learned a lot about handling this disease (um, more than many) since I was diagnosed in ’06. And I’ve written about that experience here, where I take a personal look at MS … with a tilted head, raised eyebrow, and a cracked smile. It may be just what the doc ordered when you want an escape from the oh-so-serious world that is multiple sclerosis. (To read more about me, click the About Dave on the left of my blog home page.)