Katie Holmes was in Miami today, teaching her daughter Suri how to swim at their hotels pool, and then, right in front of everyone, she paraded around like some tarted up whore. You could see her back and ankles and everything. Where are my stones!

Even though OK! magazine is about to run a cover story with a picture of Katie Holmes and the word “official” and an exclamation point in big letters above “Yes, I’m pregnant” in quotation marks, a rep for Tom Cruise was insisting today that she’s not, which is the same thing Katie was saying yesterday.

So are Tom and Katie lying or is OK simply wrong? Or is OK maybe the ones who are lying? Or maybe Tom got an editor at OK pregnant and this is her way of telling Katie. Jesus Christ, these magazines are complicated.

KATIE HOLMES – is not pregnant, according to her rep, who says the picture that started this rumor, “looks doctored”. To which Tom Cruise nervously asked, “Wait, so are you saying it’s fake or that the doctor made her pregnant again?” (e!)

KELLY BROOK – was nearly 5 months pregnant with her first child yesterday when she suffered a miscarriage. “Show your tits”, I tried not to think but couldn’t help myself. (ok!)

REAL STEEL – now has a full length trailer that explains much more about why you’ll hate this. (yahoo)

PAUL MCCARTNEY – will not have a pre-nup when he marries fiance Nancy Shevell, despite the fact that his 2008 divorce from Heather Mills cost him $40 million. “She let’s me stick it anywhere,” he explained. (daily mail)

RACHEL BILSON – was also at the Chanel fashion show in France yesterday. So I guess that was Mila Kunis I fucked last night. I always get them mixed up.

Two months ago, Star magazine had a story claiming that Katie Homes goes to a certain type of Scientology treatment a lot. As you’ve already figured out, it was boring, so they jazzed it up a little and then put it on the cover. Through no fault of their own, some people misread the headline to mean that Katie was addicted to drugs, and that it was a shocking nightmare.

It was an honest mistake, but I guess Katie Holmes is perfect because she sued Star for 50 million dollars. They don’t have 50 million dollars, so instead they apologized to her in the new issue (scan here), and even mention it on the cover.

“In a recent issue of Star, we published headlines about Katie Holmes that could be read to suggest that she was addicted to drugs. Star did not intend to suggest that Ms. Holmes was a drug addict or was undergoing treatment for a drug addiction.Star apologizes to Ms. Holmes for any misperception and will be making a substantial donation to charity on Ms. Holmes’ behalf for any harm that we may have caused.”

Star also made a donation to the Dizzy Feet foundation, a charity Katie partially owns, designed to help “underprivileged young people realize their dream of becoming professional dancers.”

Jesus what a dumb charity. What a waste of money. They’re gonna spend a million dollars to help one person get a job that pays 60 grand. What kind of sense does that make? Just find the sluttiest, most insecure one and give her the money now before she starves herself to death.

The Daily Mail says today that Katie Holmes was out with Suri, who is 4, at a restaurant called Serendipity 3 in New York last night, and on the way out Suri picked up a box of gummi penises.

The box features cartoon like drawings of male genitalia, and unsurprisingly Suri seemed somewhat captivated by the brightly coloured packaging which contained penis-shaped jelly sweets.
Katie seemed as oblivious to adult candy as she was to the late hour.
The phallic shaped sweets were quite clearly an inappropriate choice for the four-year-old.

As a guy I’m much less concerned with Suri seeing a penis than I am by the idea that a new generation of girls think a penis is supposed to be bitten and chewed.

Katie Holmes has filed a 50 million dollar lawsuit against Star magazine for their January 31st cover story, not only because it wrongly infers that she’s addicted to drugs, but because they don’t actually think she’s addicted to drugs either, despite the words DRUG SHOCKER! in a font size magazines normally reserve for Martian attacks.

Inside the issue, the story does not say that Holmes uses drugs but focuses more on her use of an “e-meter” during Scientology sessions, which allegedly reflects past emotional experiences.

Nonetheless, Star says…

“Star fully stands behind the editorial integrity of what we have published concerning Ms Holmes’ controversial use of the Scientology e-meter. The physical effect of the e-meter on its users is a matter of significant public concern, and we plan to vigorously defend the suit filed by Ms. Holmes. Our attorneys look forward to deposing Ms. Holmes about her experiences with Scientology and the e-meter, and expect that the case will be promptly dismissed by the court.”

The balls on this guy. I guess they’re saying the e-meter is a drug. I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty sure I know what the word “drug” means. Star should be grateful she’s only suing for money. This is so intentionally misleading and defamatory, if I were on that jury and she wanted the men set on fire and the women to have their vaginas sewn shut, I would do it.