You wake on Sunday morning, head pounding from a night of riotous living, fully aware of an ever-increasing hole in your soul. You think, “I’m going to church to look for meaning in my life.” You drag out your weddings-&-funerals suit and unclip the candy cane pin from the lapel. You take a quick shower and douse yourself in something to mask the smell of cedar chips and mothballs on your jacket.

“Where to go? Where to go?”

A couple of clicks later and you have found your destination, THE First Mega Apostles Assembly of the Friendly Seekers Super Cell Group Church. PERFECT!

As you reach out to grab the door handle, the door glides open. “Cool, a doorman,” you think.

Then he greets you,

Blessings Brother. We are so glad you decided to do life with us this morning. Our church is passionate about being missional together. The coffee bar is around the corner if you would like to catch some fellowship before the band starts rocking the house. By the way, you are no longer a visitor. You are one of us.

You walk off and your mind starts to spin.

What the–I mean, Huh? That dude thinks I’m his brother. Apparently they are playing that Lord of the Rings movie somewhere near the coffee bar. That’s weird besides I already caught The Fellowship of the Ring. I may need to roll out. Especially if they think I joined something because I showed up. “One of them,” sounds kinda culty.

Jesus Junk International understands that your heathen heart can’t make sense of the divine lingo. You have to be on the inside to understand that special Christian language. That’s why we took Christianese and made it Christian-Easy. The Christian-Easy Language Acquisition Unit, that is.

Strap this technological wonder to your forehead and never again be dumbfounded by the ever-changing jargon of your local Christian community. The Christian-Easy Language Acquisition Unit or CLAU hears what you think is jibberish and translates it into common, everyday vernacular through vintage headgear. Take the greeting from above, for example. Processed through the CLAU it sounds very different:

How’s it going? Man, I’m glad you came. Here we love working together in tangible ways to show God’s love. There’s coffee around the corner and you can hang out till the band starts the music. If there’s anything you need let me know.

Boom! It’s that easy. Now even the first-timers can understand a church service. This revolutionary product was developed as a response to the trampling incident that occurred during one of Evangelist Stewie Sizemore’s events.

Reverend Sizemore, a church growth specialist, inadvertently set off a stampede of uninitiated sinner folk with one simple question:

Who wants to be washed in the blood?

That mass exodus spawned an investigation that led to the discovery that many new church attenders have no idea what is happening in the service. The CLAU can make sense of it all.

Washed in the bloodchanges from a bizarre ritual that may be illegal and is definitely gross, to having Jesus as your Savior. Cool. I want that.

Blood-bought child of the King transforms from what seems to be a business transaction from a medieval movie, to being in the family of God. Cool. I want that, too.

Born again changes from being a ridiculous sounding science experiment that no sane woman would participate in, to having Jesus as your Savior.

Raise your hands toward Joe and lift him up, which looks and sounds like the beginning of a séance, is translated to join us in praying for Joe.

The techno-savvy hedonists can find some of that chicken soup for their soul now that they can understand the language.

The unique thing about the Christian-Easy Language Acquisition Unit is that it is bi-directional. No, church-goers, that’s a different word entirely. It means that when you’re headed out the door and tell the doorman,

I really enjoyed that

He hears,

My soul was fed by the dispensation.

To which he nods knowingly and marks your name on a list of possible cellgroup leaders.