“Man, if I had my third
point in Life right now, I could make my thing bigger.”

“These people don’t really
want to get near a burning forest.They’re
kind of weird that way.”

“Seven rounds?He’ll be, like, on top of you humping you in
seven rounds.”

“Can I trash-talk him?In Enochian?”

“Oh, the angst of being
normal!”

“I have a big stick, and
I’m not afraid to use it.”

“Well, the plus side is,
you’re alive.The downside is, ten
years from now, you’re promised to a large Russian man.”

“So, yeah, I transported
in my gargantuan form.Is there anything
there for me to club?”

“Jennifer does it with
holograms!”

“And Ripple does it with
dead people.”

“Do I recognize this woman?”

“Well, you’d probably
recognize her better if she was naked.”

“Would you feel better
if I checked to see if he was dark-roasted?”

“It’s made out of matter?NO SHIT!”

“She said we’d protect
him.That means he’s screwed.”

“Autochthonia could be
our opera house!”

Wise words from Takahashi:

“When people are angry,
they tend to get stupid.”

“…And, if all goes well,
things will basically be the same way they are now.Without the impending doom.”

“We have to go to Hell.But I talked to Lucifer…”

“I fucking quit.”

“No, Jennifer!You can’t leave me alone with the NPCs!”

“Turing-mon digivolve
into Digital-Web-mon!”

“Your Cultists want to
have an orgy.”

“What are my Verbena doing?”

“They’re having an orgy.With the Cultists.”

Ripple, trying to recap the story of the Good Ship Autobus
to Jonathan D:

“So we had to fight the
scary guy after the rug tried to eat me…”

“Oh, he backlashed like
a mole.I mean, like the wolf.”

“So Wan is a cow from
Colombia?”

“Yeah, he squeezes his
udders and drugs come out.”

“Can I sell them unitards
that say ‘I hugged Ripple?’”

“Paul’s penis is the most
beautiful flower in the world?”

“It’s a perennial.It only comes once a year.”

“I have a question.Do snails get motion sickness?”

“We need you to take us
to Neptune.”

“No!We must go to the Gamma Fallopian Star Quadrant!”

“…And I get to call you
Uhura, because you’re stupid!”

“Essentially, the contents
of the data bass…I mean…database…”

“Mr. Sulu…Warp 12!”

“Wait, there is no Warp
12.”

“Only Zuul!”

“Actually, in the original
series it was possible.It wasn’t
until The Next Generation that they decide anything 10 or over was purely
theoretical.”

(Long, awkward pause.)

“That’s why you’re a nerd.”

“Can I sit on his shoulders?”

“No, it’s very streamlined.”

“His shoulders?”

“No, the ship.”

“He’s got those streamlined
shoulders.That’s what women look
for.”

“So you can slip in and
out of the water like a fish!”

“Like a data bass?”

“What’s binary code for
‘Tom?’”

“You exit the ship?30 HIT Marks jump you!No, just kidding.”

“They’re bearing gifts!Frankincense and myrrh!And motor oil!”

“Are there any single
Technocrats walking around?”

“You looking for a date?”

“Beholders!Oops, wrong game.”

“Is there any way I could
dance up the ladder?”

“Um…if you were on acid.”

“I’m gonna try the ‘Oh,
Wan!’ trick.”

“Oh, they’re helping us?I love when people do that, even when we have to kill them later.”

“Okay, I’m, like, shimmying
in the air and going ‘Ugh!Ugh!Ugh!’ at the same time.”

“Sector A-5.”

“You sunk my battleship!”

“You both got away?Was this a new plot twist that happened while
I was in the can?”

“Can’t I just piss into
your Bag of Holding?”

“It’s not my fault that
dead people just flock to me!”

“I’m a mumunomagumunous
Cultist.”

“He’ll get us out, but
we had to promise him sex with green space women.”

“Well, Ra Lei, looks like
we’ll have to turn you green.”

“You’re the Cultist!”

“But you’re the only unattached
female!”

“When has that ever mattered
before?”

“So if you can find a
spirit of pushing who really wants to push things…”

“So if there was someone
on the ship, you were going to stay there?”

(Rachel spits a Shock
Tart halfway across the room in response.)

“Actually, it makes more
sense for Jennifer to have it.She
can go through the data basses…”

“How far away from this
is me?”

“Technocratic baby toys.Pop goes the HIT Mark!”

“Oh, meat.The nectar of the gods.”

“I turn the hot tub of
holding inside out…”

“Yes, you’re very brave.You dumbass.”

“Now, our next problem
is figuring out how to get Ahreen to possess Takahashi.”

“Come on in, Ahreen!There’s candy in my brain!”

“I need a drink.Fill me up, Scotty!”

“Heh.Ripple wants to do it with every sphere.”

“Did you just tell her
that she sucks at being a Nephandi?”

“Why don’t you drop the
circle and we’ll talk.”

“Why don’t we just talk
first?”

“Why don’t you drop the
circle first?”

“Because you’re in there,
and we’re out here, so we can just wait until you rot.And then we wouldn’t have anything to talk
about, would we?”

“Did he botch?”

“Unfortunately, he succeeded.”

“Unfortunately for you,
or for us?”

“All three.”

“He’s got no dick.”

“And you definitely want
a dick!”

“I’m sorry, but the Technocracy
tends to frown upon blatant displays of dick-waving.”

“So, yeah, we’ve got this
really bad thing going on called the Inquisition…our numbers are dropping
because of death…”

“Wonderful.We’re in the Mall of Hermetica.”

“Did you just say, ‘I
thought the Order of Hermes was supposed to be fair?’What kind of crack are you smoking?”

“Are you saying I’m a
sex geek?”

“He found a hunter, and
he put a planimal inside of him.”

“Oh, for God’s sake.”

“You’ll be laughing until
you get giggled.I mean, gilguled.”

“Aleister Crowley had
a lot of names, most of them four letters.”

“You so cannot tape over
reality.”

“So it’s a lovely combination
of Species alien, Wayward, werewolf, buff-ass necromancer, and my own worst
nightmare?Thanks a lot, Mike.”

“It’s a name.Amnusis.”

“If you rearrange the
letters, that spells Al-Ashwad!”

“So, is this guy just
the fall guy for the guy with all the testicles?”

“Do you know how many
clubs there are in the World of Darkness?There’s one on every street corner.They’re like inns in AD&D.”

“They say they saw the guy in a club called Ulysess…sz.Zzzz.Szzzszzz.”

“We’re looking for a guy who’s seven feet tall.(pause, then with great certainty)And seven feet wide.”

“WHAT?!”

“He’s a square!”

“So we walk out on the dance floor and start looking for
a guy.”

“Think this could be called a square dance?”

“Yeah, does he do the box step?”

“All I know is, he doesn’t cut any corners.”

“She’s drunk on baby!”

“It’s her meat bag of holding!”

“I want a bobblehead doll of Emperor Hirohito!”

“I say we wait outside his office, gather successes, and
then knock on the door.”

“It’s not combat!It’s
dairy farming!”

“I like babies.They
make good pot roast.”

“Ah, you know they love each other by the endearing names
they use for each other.Like ‘bastard’
and ‘stupid.’”

“We should call Saelic and get him to use his scary Hermetic
dick-waving powers.”

“He’s a square mole in a round hole!”

“He’s a walking paradox!”

“Would you consider Marcus to be a good example of a member
of the Order of Hermes.”

“Oh, yeah.He’s a
damn fine asshole.”

“You’re saying his name could be Chance Marcus Shaggoth?Oh, my God.We finally found a worse name than Chance Marcus
Larson.”

“Hermetics kill famous people all the time!”

“Like Elvis!”

“It’s socially acceptable for you to be a slut.You’re a computer geek.”

“Wait a minute.Are
you seriously going to become a Hermetic?”

“Yeah.”

“WHERE DID WE GO WRONG?!”

“What spheres do we need to open a gateway to hell?”

“Um…sounds like the department of bad ideas to me, Christie.”

“No, she wouldn’t go to hell if she died.She’d hve to do something really bad first,
like robbing a liquor store.”

“Hey, there’s nothing keeping you from going around wearing
a banner that says ‘Queen Of Hell’ and teaching illiterate children to read!”

“Who the hell is in our house?”

“Alan Turing.”

(pause)“Bitch.”

“Alan Turing just insulted me!But in Bizarro-World, that means that he likes me!”

“That’s his paradigm?A
Budweiser commercial?”

“He looks pleased.Well,
as pleased as a black, gooey mass of stuff can look.”

“Pri-i-i-ime…is on my side…”

“Do you have your gun, or do you have your gun?”

“You wouldn’t punch a pregnant man, would you?”

“Oh, Ripple always gets picked on?I’m suffering eternal pain for you people.I’d like that to be noted in the future.”

Cast of
Characters:

Christie Mallory,
a Hermetic stage magician. Has an evil cat familiar (Circe), a kuei-jin boyfriend
(Takeshi), a screwed-up mentor (Saelic), and lots of secrets. Played by Anne.
Jennifer Monroe-Kennedy, a Virtual Adept conspiracy theorist with a bizarre
past. Hopelessly in love with Gabriel despite the fact that he is technically
dead. Played by Beth.
Michael Lyrnus, an ex-Iteration X member. Enjoys tinkering with Amy (his killer
robot) and trying to make a name for himself despite his ridiculously high
Arcane rating. Played by Andy.
Ra Lei, a Japanese Akashic Brother. Wants to protect Takahashi and take down
the Technocracy, not necessarily in that order. Played by Caly.
Ripple, a Cultist of Ecstasy hippie dancer. Girlfriend of Marcus, student
of Timber, and mother of Chance Marcus Larson. Who knows how any of those
will be used against her in the future. Played by Rachel.Takahashi, a nine-and-a-half-year-old
Orphan. Began life as a failed Technocratic experiment meant to be possessed
by Alan Turing, but is now safe in a body all his own. Played by Iain.Tim, an incredibly cute
and innocent eight-year-old Virtual Adept (what’s up with these child mages?).
Seems to be working for mysterious entities beyond our control or comprehension.
Yup, we’re all screwed. Played by Sean.Storyteller: Mike.

Fallen Comrades:Bria May, a Hollow One
street urchin. Left the cabal after completing a lengthy search for the parents
who abandoned her. Played by Jenny.
Cameron “Saxon” Williams, a Verbena and the king of all the hoboes. Decided
he had nothing in common with the cabal and left to live with his friends
the Crombeys. Played by Iain.
Isabella, a Lasombra vampire who used to be a Celestial Chorist named Maria
Montoya. Chose to leave the cabal to pursue her own goals. Played by Anne.
James, a seven-year-old Orphan. Stayed at Horizon. Played by Noel.
Dr. Kenley Chial, a mad biologist Son of Ether. Left the cabal to raise a
family with her mentor and husband, Dr. Joe Mau. Played by Missy.
Kyler, an ex-Syndicate member. Stayed at Horizon. Played by Andy.
Teal Williams, a Celestial Chorist. Stayed at Horizon. Played by Nikki, who
is a Dreamspeaker.Wan, a Chinese bureaucrat
and Akashic Brother. Has left the cabal proper because after obtaining some
essential information from Lo Pan, he will now be working for said reformed
Nephandi for a LONG time. Played by Paul.