Tis the Season to Relax Con'd
By Laura Muha

In the kitchen, silver needs to polished for a family get-to-gether three
days hence. And between now and then, Taylor has a house to clean, sheets to
wash, a guest room to ready for out-of-town relatives, grocery shopping to do,
and two major projects to finish at work.

So why is she smiling? It might have something to do with the fact that she's
a million miles away from it all, bobbing gently in the bathwater-warm Gulf of
Mexico-transported there not by an airplane, but the soothing voice of
Washington, D.C., social worker Mark Gorkin that she's listening to on tape.

"Look out onto the Gulf," Gorkin croons. The 41-year-old teacher
closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. "See the sparkling blue and green
and aquamarine? The sunlight is dancing on the water.... There's a little
breeze.... The sun is warming the top of your head, penetrating right down to
your brain cells.... It's smoothing out the stress lines on your forehead. Your
headache is starting to go away..."

Sure enough, when Taylor opens her eyes five minutes later, she's feeling
refreshed and, if not completely serene, at least ready to tackle the tasks at
hand.

"It took my stress down at least five notches, from out-of-control to
mostly manageable," she reports.

That comes as no surprise to 52-year-old Gorken, a.k.a. "Stress
Doc," who has made a career out of helping people learn to deal with those
teeth-clenching, shoulder-tensing, stomach-churnin feelings we call stress.

His message: Even during times as hectic and pressure-filled as the holiday
season, we all have an oasis of calm within us. We just have to take the time to
tap into it. In his 15 years in the business, Gorkin has helped hundreds of
people do just that, using techniques that range from the
conventional-visualization, meditation, deep breathing, vigorous exercise-to the
wacky. Sometimes, in the stress-reduction seminars he conducts across the
country, he'll pass out paper and magic markers and have participants draw
pictures depicting the way they feel, an exercise that not only helps them to
express, and thereby defuse, some of their stress, but encourages them to laugh
at it - which in itself is an excellent pressure-reliever. Or he'll put on a hat
and sunglasses and chant humorous rhymes about tension and anxiety.

"When we're under stress, our sense of humor is one of the first things
to go," Gorkin explains. "But if you can laugh at the situation, and
yourself, you'll be amazed at how much better you feel."

Obviously, that's a lesson that will serve us all well, not just during the
holidays, but during the rest of the year, too since for most of us, the
seasonal stress we feel between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day is nothing more
than the proverbial last straw in a life already packed with too many
commitments.

"What do you call it when you don't have any stress?" someone once
asked Gorkin at a seminar.

"Denial," Gorkin shot back.

Indeed, studies have found that nearly 45 percent of adults are suffering
from physical problems related to stress. Believed to be one of the country's
top health problems, it has been linked to many causes of death-heart disease,
stroke, suicide, accidents-as well as a host of chronic problems ranging from
alcohol and drug abuse to obesity to stomach problems to anxiety. Studies have
shown that when we're under stress, the body produces chemicals that actually
suppress the function of the immune system. Is it any wonder, then, that we
catch colds and flues more often at this time of year?

The good news is that by learning to relax, we can significantly reduce the
toll that stress takes on our body. In one study, scientists found that
relaxation training was more effective than exercise in preventing heart attacks
among male cardiac patients; another found that HIV-positive men who underwent
such training had a significantly higher immune response than those who did not.

And while those studies just looked at men, women should also take
stress-reduction seriously, since they tend to over commit themselves more than
men - particularly in December, when, chances are, they're the ones
orchestrating the get-togethers, buying the gifts, making the cakes and cookies,
and sending the cards.

In trying to get a grip on holiday stress, Gorkin says, one of the most
important things to remember is that not all of it comes from having too much to
do and not enough time to do it. It's also something we do to ourselves, because
our fantasies of what the "perfect" holiday should be like are all too
often on a collision course with reality.

"We imagine that somehow the holidays are going to create this magic
moment that will erase all the pain of the past-and the media feeds into it with
all these pictures of idyllic homes and happy families," Gorkin says. Or,
as he likes to quip: "Holiday blues are the feelings of loss or sadness you
get when you can't be with those people who are most significant to you; holiday
stress is when you have to be with those people."

The solution? "Do know your limits, and don't limit your no's, says
Gorkin. "You don't have to go to every holiday party. You don't have to
stay till the end. Sometimes, the best strategy for the holidays, if you know
it's going to be too much, is just leaving town."

As Gorkin speaks, he's sitting in a teahouse near his Washington, D.C., home,
demonstrating one of the elements in his personal relaxation plan: getting away
from it all - or, as he likes to put it, "creating vacation time to really
listen to my inner self."

That's something we all need to do on a daily basis, he says-but most of us
don't bother, caught up as we are in the hubbub of ringing phones and voice mail
and e-mail that makes up modern life.

"The trouble with technology is that it makes it hard to get away,"
explains Gorkin. "We all need quiet time to be alone, to recharge our
batteries. But with technology, we're always plugged in and available-and that's
stressful, even though a lot of people don't realize it."

To counteract that, Gorkin recommends setting aside at least an hour for
yourself every day-either uninterrupted, or in 15minute to half-hour segments.

Take the phone off the hook, tell the kids not to bother you. Then do
whatever it is that you find most relaxing: soak in a bubble bath, read a book,
listen to music, take a nap-and don't feel guilty about it. "You owe it to
yourself to take care of yourself," Gorkin says.

Although meditation is also an often-recommended way of relaxing, Gorkin says
he knows that's difficult for many people, whose minds race from one thing to
the next. The alternative? Get a tape - there are plenty of them out there that
uses guided imagery to help you relax. Or think of a favorite place - one where
you feel relaxed and safe, and take yourself there in your mind. The more
details you can include, the better. If, for instance, it's a favorite beach,
imagine the heat of the sand on the soles of your bare feet, the salty smell in
the air, and the sound of the waves crashing against the shore. Then, when
you're feeling stressed, close your eyes and spend a few minutes there-in your
mind. Chances are when you open your eyes again, you'll feel refreshed, says
Gorkin.

Gorkin, who grew up in New York City and holds a master's degree in social
work from Adelphi University, became interested in relaxation techniques in the
early 1980s. At the time, he was studying for his doctoral degree in social work
at Tulane University in New Orleans, and feeling so stressed out by the constant
pressure that he actually became nauseated and dizzy. Eventually, he dropped out
of the doctoral program, and spent the next several months putting himself back
together again using techniques ranging from exercise to meditation.

Thinking his experiences might help other people, he began conducting
seminars which he continues today-about ways to deal with tension. In addition,
he also has a thriving psychotherapy practice, runs weekly chats on stress
management on America Online, and is writing a book on the subject.

In fact, there's a cathartic effect that comes from writing things down, and
Gorkin suggests automatic writing - that is sitting down and just pouring onto
paper whatever comes to mind for 10 or 15 minutes, not trying to edit it or
organize it at all. Or get a sketch pad and try to draw how you're feeling - an
exercise you can do alone or as a family. (In recent stress- management
seminars, participants have sketched sinking ships, people with their heads in
guillotines and lambs being led to slaughter.) You can only muster up stick
figures? That's okay, says Gorkin.

And of course, there's that other tension relieving standby: exercise. Not
only does working out the tension in your muscles help work out some of the
tension in your mind, but it also improves the quality of your sleep-which in
turn allows you to better cope with stress.

Gorkin also suggests teaming up with a "stress buddy" - someone you
can touch base with every couple of days for 10 or 15 minutes at a time, just to
vent. (Of course, you have to be willing to do the same for them.) Such a
pairing serves two purposes: First, it gives you an outside observer who can
help you regain the perspective that stress tends to skew - pointing out, say,
that your party won't be ruined if you don't have time to carve the radishes
into florets for the buffet and that you can buy a pre-cooked roast beef instead
of preparing one from scratch.

Second, having someone to talk to provides you with an outlet for negative
feelings that would otherwise continue to build. 'You'd be surprised at how much
just talking about things helps people to relax and feel better," Gorkin
says.

It's even better if, while you're venting, you can find a way to make it
funny, he adds. Deliberately embellish your stories; exaggerate them; poke fun
at yourself. The more you can do that, the less threatening things start to
seem-and the more your sense of humor will kick in as other difficult situations
arise. And that will help not only mentally, but also physically. Studies have
shown that when we laugh, our bodies produce chemicals that help to counteract
some of the harmful physical effects of stress.

As comedian George Burns once said, "If we take a lick of humor, we can
prevent hardening of the attitudes. If we savor humor, humor can be a
lifesaver."