Friday, July 27, 2012

Shawn's going to make sure you have heard the fucking news. Just because it's been four years since your last competitive success doesn't mean you can't plaster your name and face all over the media. And what better time to remind everyone of your exploits than the Olympic Games in which you are not competing?

Now, there are few things we can be certain of in this world. Death, taxes, and Nastia trying to one-up Shawn with her own grand announcement.

I'm aware that Nastia just announced some partnership with some shitty hair care line, don't care. Think BIGGER, people.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Sometimes I am blown away by the reach that Olympic gymnastics has into the lives of normal, everyday people. I'm still shocked that people know who Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin are, because I am so accustomed to being the only freak on the block who really cares about gymnastics. But then I remember that once every four years, the likes of Al Trautwig and Tim Daggett visit our homes and poison the minds of children.

I'm always surprised to see a mainstream Shawn Johnson. I mean, I know she's a scrappy bitch who is working HARD for every minute of fame, but it's still weird to me that Sally Housewife knows who she is. Also, Sally Housewife's kids. Sally Housewife's kids with access to Twitter.

I guess the way kids gain self esteem these days is not by participating in sports, or the theatre club, or bydoing well in school. Nope, the better, faster way to get it is to post on Twitter endlessly about how you TOTALLY look like Shawn Johnson.

Let's remind ourselves what Shawn Johnson *actually looks like.

There appears to be three separate types of girls who truly believe they look like Shawn Johnson.

1. Ugh, EVERYONE tells me I look like Shawn Johnson. As if! I am so insulted that people are supposedly saying I look like a girl that everyone says is hot.

2. People say I look like Shawn Johnson. I acknowledge that. Please look at all my pictures and tell me what you think about them.

3. I was told I look like Shawn Johnson. Boys think she's hot. I understand that, by proxy, that also makes me hot. Success!

It should be noted that none of the above appear to resemble Shawn at all.

If I ever have kids, they're not touching the internet until they're 21.

I am in the middle of watching this terrible figure skating movie. I mean, all figure skating movies are by nature terrible. But this one is really bad. Andrea Joyce has a cameo, so let that say what it will.

This got me to thinking that we don't have nearly enough terrible gymnastics movies. Movie producers are really missing out on this. The possibilities are endless!