The pReview Re-viewing Appe-Teasers

SEPTEMBER 23RD AND 30TH!

(warning: Contains profanity)clicking movie posters will open their Official Sites in a separate windowby Jeff Finckwritten: 9/28/2011First off, all apologies for there being no Appe-Teasers last week.. I have excuses.. but excuses are like.. assholes? I don't know.. but no one wants to see mine. Or hear it. Ew. As a slight consolation, here is a what would have gone down (to see this Friday's, just scroll down this post a bit.. you'll know when to start reading.. truuuuuuuust me):

September 23rd Appe-Teasers:

Abduction: This movie follows that werewolf guy from the Twilight movies realizing that he's a kid version of Jason Bourne. ..just.. you know.. in a really terrible way. The preview looks like an awkward high school production of an action flick. ..that someone threw $35 million at.

Dolphin Tale: This features Morgan Freeman dressed like the Colonel from KFC helping out another of Mother Nature's creatures. Instead of aimless, self depracating penguins, he is helping a tail-challenged dolphin called Winter. Giving a dolphin a bionic tale (which is what I assume is the overall premise of the movie, which should have been called "The 6 Million Dollar Dolphin") comes with a few people who were everywhere in the late 90's/early 2000's, and seemed to have found their way to this moment in time: Ashley Judd, Harry Connick Jr, Kris Kristofferson.

Moneyball: Now, here's a movie with some real promise! Brad "I'm natural in every role" Pitt, Philip Seymour "I am amazing in every role" Hoffman, and Jonah Hill.. who looks like he fits this dramatic role wonderfully. It's about the Oakland Athletics in 2001 and their General Manager, Billy Beane realizing that the rest of the MLB are rich assholes. He then goes to Goodwill and other thrift stores and finds more.. better.. cheaper.. baseball players.

Machine Gun Preacher: A Gerard Butler movie with Michelle Monaghan in which Gerard Butler plays real life Sam Childers, a preacher who basically murdered everyone in the Sudan with vigilantism and kindness.. but mostly vigilantism. ..and mostly kindness.

Puncture: Another "Based on a True Story" story, this time with Chris Evans playing Mike Weiss.. a no nonsense, straight-laced, high powered drug addict. Also, he's an attourney! Talk about an overachiever! He runs a law firm with his partner Paul Daniger (played by the Co-Director, Mark Kassen), and they take the case of Vicky (played by Vinessa Shaw). Vicky gets stabbed repeatedly (probably just once) in the eyes (probably not the eyes) with a diseased needle and decides to take it up with the law. The law, however, isn't on her side. When the functional drug addicted lawyer and his boring partner start digging deeper, they realize they're in the Matrix. (probably not)

~~~~~~~

The September 30th Appe-Teasers!

Welcome to this week's Appe-Teasers! A whole heap of movies came out last week, and this week appears to be just as bountiful! The cinematic snacks stack up like this: a dramedy about some cancer, a horror movie with creepy kids, a romantic comedy based on a book, a drama loosely based on a poem, and the newest edition into the Martial Arts/Spaghetti Western genre. So.. here goes nothin'!

First up is 50/50, starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Seth Rogen. People like to throw out phrases like "indie darling" and "character actor" when describing Joey Gordon Levs, but I like to just say, "Indie Character Darling Actor", mostly because there's more syllables in it when you just combine the two. 50/50 is the theme here: there is a 50/50 chance of JGL's character, Adam, dying from the Cancer.. 50/50 dose of comedy and drama.. and both of those 50s are played by comedic Rogen and dramatic Levitt. This seems to be more comedy than drama, but mark my words.. someone will die and it will either be funny.. or.. not.. funny. If you want to laugh and cry at the same time, check out:

Next up is the mind-fuck thriller Dream House starring James Bond, Rachel Weisz, and Naomi Watts. Oh.. and Casey Jones (Elias Koteas) is in this, too! Basically, Daniel Craig, Rachel Weisz and their 2 creepy ass kids move into a house that ends up being a house where some crazy family murders took place. The only suspect in the crime was the father, which, through some teaming up with Naomi Watts and super sleuthing, Daniel Craig finds out that HE may be the guy! Oh no! And everything might be in his head! Zoinks! If you wanna get skeeved out and stuff.. check this out:

Next comes What's Your Number? This is based on a book called, "I Banged 20 Guys.. Is That OK?" ..actually, the book is called "20 Times a Lady". The movie is about a lady (Anna Faris) who revisits her last 20 conquests, and with the help of her neighbor, the super dreamtastic Chris Evans, she will find out if she passed up on Mr. Right. Or something like that.. The real comedy will probably come from the 20 cameos that pop up in her quest for FIRE. This looks pretty good, despite most romantic comedies being.. so.. same-y. High hopes for this rom-com!

Margaret is next. Margaret is a movie starring Anna Paquin as a 17 year old.. yeah, 17 year old.. High School student. She plays Lisa. Lisa is trying to catch a bus one average, normal day, and just misses it. She gets so distressed that she then uses the bus, with complete chance and utter happenstance, to murder a woman crossing the street. Honestly, she probably didn't do that, but she certainly feels like it! So for the next.. however long the movie is.. it looks like there is an emotional rollercoaster, as Lisa attempts to please everyone (in every sense of the word). The cast for this movie is kind of spectacular: Anna Paquin, Matt Damon, Mark Ruffalo, Matthew Roderick, Allison Janney, Jean Reno, Olivia Thirlby, and Kieran Culkin. If you like dramas involving lying, sexually promiscuous, conniving, hopeful teenagers, check out:

Lastly, we have Bunraku! This stylized Spaghetti Western slash Samurai slash comedy slash action slash ridiculous movie stars Josh Hartnett, Woody Harrelson, Ron Perlman, Demi Moore, Kevin McKidd, and some guy called Gackt. Bunraku comes from a form of puppet theater that is over 400 years old. Which is fitting, because the preview made all the sets very stiff and theatrical, despite the action that will surely spray blood all over the front row. It looks like Josh Hartnett's character, The Drifter, teams up with Gackt's character Yoshi (though, why not just let him keep is single-name name, Gackt?) and they are going to take down the big crime boss, Nicola (played by Hellboy himself, Ron Perlman). Some of the costume and character design is fun. They let Ron Perlman dress up like Ice T from Johnny Mnemonic.. Josh Hartnett looks like a 19th century Tony Stark.. and Woody Harrelson doesn't have a weird wig! Oh, and Demi Moore looks like she hasn't aged in 25 years. And if i knew who Gackt was, I would assume he is.. dressed.. up. In a movie that looks like an entertaining blend of Kung Fu Hustle and The Spirit, I am a little tingly about seeing this. I just wish Josh Hartnett would admit that he stole my acting career when he beat me out for Halloween H20, and just give me a job. Bastard. Check this out, though!

Okay, final breakdown:

50/50: I would give this better odds at being a great movie. Like.. 100% chance I will see this.. but sadly for the theater people and studios who want this to do well, I will probably be waiting (much the same as most people, I am guessing) until it comes to dvd.

Dream House: I've seen the Number 23 and I've seen The Others.. I love horror movies.. but slow-paced horror flicks in the theaters put me to sleep or have me looking for my fast forward button. I'm checking this out when it hits my local Family Video.

What's Your Number?: The cameos alone make me want to see this. However, I don't see myself grabbing the fellas and running out and making this a guy's night out movie. Do people even have "guy's night out" anymore? Weird. This looks like it's a great date movie. Something for both genders! (Men and women.. though, hermaphrodites are probably fine with it. If you have no gender, you may hate this.)

Margaret: Stay home. This may make a decent home viewing with the fast forward button close at hand to help you struggle through the.. parts.. of this movie. Probably most of the parts.

Bunraku: Total popcorn flick! Fans of Sin City, The Spirit, Dick Tracy and Kung Fu Hustle will probably enjoy the balls out of this movie! And this movie should have enough balls to spread around! Balls for everyone!!!!

Use of Intellectual Property@paintmyart, and all of its contents, including but not limited to "The pReview Re-viewing", any other original articles, text not in quotes, illustrations watermarked "@paintmyart" or "jf", graphics watermarked "@paintmyart" (collectively “Intellectual Property”), are protected by copyright, trademark and other laws of the United States, as well as international conventions and the laws of other countries. The Intellectual Property is owned or controlled solely by Jeff Finck.

Other copyrighted material used under Fair Use (I hope) or with written consent of alleged content owners. If you own the rights to the aforementioned copyrighted (written? copywrote?) material and I have not received your permission, no offense was meant and was unintentional. Please tell me to go fuck myself and I will take it down. Contact: duffys_superego@hotmail.com