Gwen Petersen: In a Sow’s Ear 3-5-12

Every rural-small-town community has traditions. One of ours is the annual Toot, Snoot, ‘n Hoot Chili Contest and Whippin’ and Spurrin’ Comedy show which took place last Saturday night.

The show features plenty of music and skits based on a general theme. This year’s fandango sported the title: Grand, But No Opry. We harvested songs from the old “Hee Haw” show, “Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In” and of course, “Grand Ol Opry.”

The show is held toward the end of February – the month verging on turning into spring (sometimes). Town and country turn out to fill the auditorium. Though some outfits are already into calving and lambing, the ranchers speak to their heifers and ewes: “Girls, hold off the birthing for two hours.” (As far as is known, this admonition works as no lambs or calves hit the ground during that time).

For one of the acts, we constructed a “joke wall” after Laugh In’s joke wall – you remember – where a player opened a wee door in the wall, popped his or her head out and shouted a corny question. Instantly, another performer’s head appeared in another door to shriek an answer. Our community’s ethnic base is largely Norwegian. You guessed it. The jokes pertained to Norskies.

Question: Why did the Norwegian drive around the block 24 times?

Response: I don’t know, why did the Norwegian drive around the block 24 times?

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Answer: His blinker was stuck.

Q: Did you hear about the Norwegian who broke his arm raking leaves?

R: No, how did the Norwegian break his arm raking leaves?

A: He fell out of the tree.

Q: Did you hear about the Norwegian who bought only one winter snowboot?

R: No, why did the Norwegian buy only one snowboot?

A: He heard there was only going to be 1-foot of snow.

Q: Why couldn’t the Norwegian raise chickens?

R: I don’t know, why couldn’t the Norwegian raise chickens?

A: He planted ’em too deep.

Q: What did the Norwegian say when he found a pile of milk cartons in the middle of a field?

R: I don’t know, what did the Norwegian say when he found a pile of milk cartons?

A: “Hey, I found a cow’s nest!”

Q: Did you hear about the Norwegian who got water skis for Christmas?

R: No, what happened when the Norwegian got water skis at Christmas?

A: He gave them away because he couldn’t find a lake with a hill in it.

Q: Did you hear about the Norwegian who plowed his garden with a steam roller?

R: No, why did the Norwegian plow his garden with a steam roller?

A: He wanted to grow mashed potatoes.

Q: Why does it take three Norwegians to pop corn?

R: I don’t know, why does it take three Norwegians to pop corn?

A: It takes one to hold the pan and the other two to shake the stove.

Q: Why did the Norwegian housewife sit and cry in her kitchen?

R: Beats me. Why did the Norwegian housewife sit and cry in her kitchen?

A: Because her husband was out shooting craps and she didn’t know how to cook it.

Q: How can you tell if a Norwegian is level headed?

R: I don’t know, how can you tell if a Norwegian is level-headed?

A: The snoose juice runs out of both corners

of his mouth.

Q: Why does a Norwegian cowboy eat beans every Friday night?

R: Beats me. Why does a Norwegian cowboy eat beans every Friday?

A: So he can have a bubble bath on Saturday.

Q: What’s a Norwegian’s definition of a skeleton?

R: I don’t know, what’s a Norwegian’s definition of a skeleton?

A: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

Q: What’s a Norwegian’s definition of a raisin?

R: Dunno, what’s a Norwegian’s definition

of a raisin?

A: A grape with a sunburn.

Q: What is a Norwegian’s definition of dust?

R: I don’t know, what is a Norwegian’s definition of dust?

A: That would be mud with the juice squeezed out.

Q: What happened when the Norwegian’s parakeet started talking?

R: The Norwegian’s parakeet started talking? What did it say?

A: Nobody knows. Norwegians don’t speak parakeet.

Feel free to adapt any of the above to whatever ancestry you reflect. Or make up your own originals. I’m working on Irish, English and Scottish versions as we speak. If the creek don’t rise and I don’t croak, and if I’m not arrested or shot, I’ll share them with you after next February’s Toot, Snoot, ‘n Hoot production.