Saturday, July 28, 2001

Rico Got a Raw Deal by Josh Rutledge

I
should be disgusted with myself, but I’m not. Not at all. I have descended into
depravity, and I feel no shame. In honor of Rico Brogna, the
internationally-neglected baseball star, I’m willing to soil my soul.

Every
time I see Brogna step up to the plate, I hope he hits the ball out of the
park. I read the box scores every night to keep up with his progress. And when
he goes up against my beloved Phillies later this season, I’ll wish him
nothing but luck. I am firmly in the man’s corner. I anticipate his assault on
National League pitching with unabashed zeal.

So
what’s so wrong with my unbridled Ricomania? Is it really so bad for me to
cheer for a non-Phillie? After all, there were never any ethical questions
regarding my admiration for the likes of such diamond greats as Tony Gwynn,
Tim Raines, and Ron Gardenhire. Right? Right. So why can’t I be
an ardent Brogna devotee?

Well,
the problem is NOT that Brogna is a non-Phillie (not to mention an ex-Phillie).
The problem is that he’s a.....(The mere thought of this next word has me on
the verge of vomiting)....BRAVE!!!!!!!! How could I possibly deign to behave in
a manner that would suggest that I want good things to happen to bad people?!
If Rico does well, that will aid the efforts of his team, The Evil Ones!

Am
I really willing to be responsible for The Evil Ones’ continued domination of
the N.L.? After all, we’re talking about the organization that has nearly
RUINED professional baseball as we know it! They’ve made a mockery of parity by
monopolizing their league’s talent pool! Some credit the farm system, but I
know better! Other teams make deals with the devil in hopes of buying a year or
two of contention. But Ted Turner doesn’t have to make deals with
Satan-----He IS Satan!

The
Braves are filthy, slimy, debased, midget-humping swine. Am I out of my mind
for cheering for one of their starters? Can there possibly be an excuse for my
colossal error in moral judgment? I believe so!

Here’s
the deal: Not even The Evil Ones can taint Rico Brogna. He’s not just an
unheralded baseball standout-------He’s also a SAINT! His rude expulsion from
the Phillies’ organization last summer made him a martyr for neglected greats
everywhere. So many others have felt his same pain----countless musicians,
writers, painters, actors, mimes, mountain-climbers, and pimps have brought
forth brilliance into this world only to be ignored in favor of their inferior
peers. Perhaps you, dear reader, appreciate the magnitude of Brogna’s feats.
But sadly, the Philadelphia Phillies did NOT.

Numbers
don’t lie: In 1998 and 1999, Brogna anchored the middle of the Phillies’ lineup
by driving in over 100 runs. (Please note that Scott Rolen, the
celebrated cornerstone of the franchise, has posted only ONE 100-RBI season in his entire career.) Then in
2000, the club threw this great man into the trash. They waived him! That’s
right: WAIVERS! He was dumped. Abandoned. Left to rot. Discarded. Spat upon. I
wept for him.

Even
in this noveau lively-ball-era, 100-RBI ballplayers are not easy to come by.
And when your record for chronic ineptitude is as sorry as the Phillies’ is,
you can’t afford to toss aside big-time hitters. Brogna was given the boot to
clear a lineup space for Travis Lee, an ex-phenom who’s currently in
contention for Bust of the Century honors. (The Phillies acquired Lee in the Curt
Schilling trade disaster that also brought 19-game loser Omar Daal to
the City of Brotherly Love.
One could sadly expect such shenanigans from an organization that was once so
desperate to swap Larry Bowa for Ivan DeJesus that it
“threw in” Ryne Sandberg.) A year later, The Phillies are banking on a
big season from Lee and plugging the woefully inadequate Daal into Schilling’s
#1 spot in the starting rotation. Is it any wonder that this team has posted 13
losing seasons in 14 years?

Brogna
was a top-notch swinger for the Phillies in all three of his seasons as a
full-time starter. Rolen, Bobby Abreu, Mike Lieberthal, and Pat
Burrell may get all the press in Phillieland, but Brogna put up the numbers
year after year. In ’97, he hit 20 home runs, cracked 36 doubles, and drove in
81 runs. The following year was even bigger: 20 homers, 104 RBI, and 36 more
doubles. In ’99 he hit 24 home runs, drove in 102, and posted a .278 batting
average.A year later, he was given his
walking papers after a mere 129 at-bats. This overlooked STAR then wound up in Boston, where he got little chance to do his
thing. Now he’s surrounded by pure wickedness, and he’ll finally have the
chance to shine in the spotlight!

I
would love for The Evil Ones to receive the vast benefits of Brogna’s big stick
and STILL find a way to lose. So far we’re four games into the season, and the
dream is almost a reality. The Bad Guys are only 2-2 (an extremely sub-par mark
given their prior achievements), but Sir Rico is ripping it up! He has played
in three games, and he’s hitting .455! That’s right! In 11 at-bats, he has
slammed out two doubles, driven in a run, and scored twice. And check out that
slugging average: .636! No joke!

Cynics
will ensure me that there’s no way that the man can keep on bashing it out at
such a frantic clip, but I know better! As a platoon player, he may not have
the chance to post a third 100-RBI campaign. But he’ll deliver the goods as he
makes the most of his limited playing time! Every screaming base hit, scorching
stand-up double, and monstrous home run that explodes from his potent bat will
strike a blow for every unappreciated, tortured soul that has ever excelled in
the shadow of society’s superficial gaze! And if his productivity DOES benefit
The Evil Ones, so be it! Rico Brogna’s trials and tribulations have transcended
the narrow-minded confines of wins and losses. Never mind The Evil Ones; it’s
humanity itself that will celebrate this great man’s triumphs!