Things I just don't understand

Posted: March 4, 2012 - 12:00am

I was sitting outside on my deck the other day, wondering why there are so many things in this world we don’t quite understand.

First of all, the sun was shining full blast but it was as cold as the dickens (whatever that means). How can that be? When I think of sunshine, I think of bright warm places, like the beach or the Caribbean. The sun can’t possibly be putting out “cold rays.” Of course, I’m not a meteorologist, and I’m sure they have a perfectly scientific explanation, but not one I would understand.

Then there’s the old joke about a Thermos. How does it know to keep hot food hot and cold food cold? That’s a real mystery.

How many of you have concrete driveways? Concrete is supposed to be solid and hard as a rock. Then why does it “buckle” all the time? I certainly don’t know why, but I do know it takes a fortune to fix. Wouldn’t it just be easier to spray-paint grass and dirt gray? It’s a lot cheaper to have a driveway mowed than to have a new one built.

How in the world do boats stay on top of the water? With the law of gravity and all, why don’t they sink like everything else? Especially me. I drop to the bottom like a rock. Yet there’s the boat I fell off of, floating around like it weighs no more than a feather.

Why to dogs sniff each other’s behind all the time? It’s like catnip to a feline. Dogs are supposed to be smart. Don’t they know how gross it is to see them doing that? Worst of all, the dog on the “sniffee” side doesn’t seem to mind it at all. Have they no shame?

How come some eggs have actual eggs inside them and others have baby chicks? If I ever cracked an egg and had a tiny living yellow thing pop out, I can guarantee you that would be the last time I eat an omelet. And then, after I picked myself up off the floor, I’d probably wrap it in a blanket and take it to Grayson Brown at Martinez Animal Hospital. Oh, he would just love that. Another thing to harass Pat about, right Grayson?

Don’t get me started on not understanding cell phones. I could not have one that talked back to me. Enough people are doing that already. Besides, do you really think it’s normal to walk down the street, talking to some strange black item you’re holding in your hand? Think back 20 or 30 years ago. If a police officer saw you doing that, you’d be in a strait jacket heading for Gracewood.

Then there’s the miracle of birth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know all about the birds and bees. What I don’t understand is how something so large can come out of a tiny woman. I was tiny once. I was tiny when Tommy was born, but I don’t remember anything about it because I was knocked out, thank heavens.