Friday, April 18, 2014

it's 1030
i've written something already today
checked in with social media "friends"
eaten a full meal AND prepped a snack
drank enough red wine that my lips and tongue are stained
i just finished unpacking my overnight bag though i've been home for 8 hours
i just finished unpacking my overnight bag 'cause a part of me wants to still be where I spent the night
but i'm not there
i'm here
i'm here in my square footage trying to ignore the ghosts that are suffocating me in the ether.
i should be asleep.
i didn't sleep much last night.

Or the night before.

i should be asleep,
but i'm not.
i'm here and i can hear the ghosts of the arguments i've had with my past
the laments
the promises made
and broken.

The ghosts are deafeningly loud.
i haven't slept in my new bed in a week
my new bed
instead,
i've slept in the bed i shared with the man i shared a name with for more than a week

To appease the ghosts.

I've offered my peace as a sacrificial lamb to the others who invisibly dwell in my apartment.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Some friends and I sat around chatting recently. One of the ladies I chatted called me a prude because I'd never made out with a stranger. I laughed. That has NEVER happened to me. Prudes are frigid and mean. Prudes make demands of their lovers. I'm far from cold, but I do like to think of myself as a cautious hedonist and a serial monogamist. I hate dating for sport. But I do LOVE the touch of a man I've deemed worthy of becoming mine, even if only for a little while. It's not my fault that he, whoever he may be doesn't want to remain a stranger...
There was this one time in undergrad.....

Thursday, April 10, 2014

After watching HIM walk, everything else seems sub par.
Everything else is just everything else.
He will either be my greatest love or my greatest ruin.
He who I will make legend.
He who I will make mine.
I just want to drink wine and eat decadent foods with him and fuck and drink and eat some more until we are both completely spent.
He makes me believe again.
makes me think my happily ever after could be a tangible thing
makes me want to spit blessings instead of heart broken curses on the page.

Am I to be the fool again?
If I am to be love's fool, at least let me be love's sophomore.
At least let me be old enough to know better and young enough not want to.
To know better than to listen to or believe any and everything I'm listening to and believing,
but I'm still here
Ignorance is bliss & I've already said how overjoyed I am to be HIS fool.

I may have said the wrong thing to the right man,

Again.
I doubt too often,
long for too much,
drink too much,
spend too much,
and love much too easily
with too little to show for it.
& now I may make another bad decision instead of spending another night alone.

May make another poor life choice for the sake of warm arms around me.
May claim another empty notch on my lipstick case to preserve pretend pride.
Taste the tongue of another in the name of licking my own wounds

Said the wrong thing again.
Now I may be sleeping solo again,
Not for lack of choice,
But because I may have made the wrong one again.
Let the wrong one affect me and fck up with the right one,
Again.
Said the wrong thing to the right man, again.
Lacked patience and been hasty.
I've heard that doing the same shit over and over and expecting different results is the definition of Insanity.
I've read this script before with different cast members, more than a few times...
Doesn't that make me batshit crazy or just a writer in desperate need of a rewrite?