"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks."To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine."One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." ~ Abraham Lincoln."If you're making a political point wearing a balaclava, you're a c***. It was true for the IRA and it's true now." ~ daftbeaker.

The polar bear says, "I'll have ................................. a beer."

The bartender asks, "what's with the big pause?"

The polar bear says, "I dunno, I was born with them."

"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.-- Philip K DickOK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.-- Dr. JoyEnglish isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."

A man walks into a pub with a giraffe. They drink at a furious pace until the giraffe can't stand up any more. The man puts his coat on and gets ready to leave. "Hey!" says the barman, "You can't leave that lying there!" The man replies, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe" and goes out of the door.

"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel; but I am, so that's how it comes out." ~ Bill Hicks."To argue with a person who has renounced reason is like administering medicine to the dead." ~ Thomas Paine."One should not believe everything one reads on the internet." ~ Abraham Lincoln."If you're making a political point wearing a balaclava, you're a c***. It was true for the IRA and it's true now." ~ daftbeaker.

At the White House, a woman standing behind the president nearly passed out while Obama was speaking. Obama turned and held her while she got some help. See, that’s under the good coverage of Obamacare — where you’re actually taken care of personally by Obama. That’s the platinum package.- Jay Leno

An elderly Asian woman was living in America, subsidized in large part by the largesse of her son, who toiled incessantly in the old country. Faithfully, every week he would send her a package containing money he had earned, in the form of cash, which she would then exchange for dollars at the local bank. One day, upon making the exchange, she noticed that she received significantly less in the exchange than she had been receiving. When, somewhat agitated, and in heavily accented English, she asked the teller for an explanation, he responded with a shrug, "Fluctuations."

Angrily, she replied, "Well floc you clazy Amelicans, too!"

"Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens."("Against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain.")-- Friedrich Schiller (1759–1805)Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.-- Philip K DickOK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard.-- Dr. JoyEnglish isn't much of a language for swearing. When I studied Ancient Greek I was delighted to discover a single word - Rhaphanidosthai - which translates roughly as "Be thou thrust up the fundament with a radish for adultery."

I was looking through my file of humor stuphph of the past and ran across this, one of my many favorites. Hope it gives you laugh... ;-)

The Right Reverend Doctor Billy Sol Hargus of the Gooey Death and Discount House of Worship said: At the end of my days I would like to have screwed myself into a coma and go to meet my maker with a big ‘ol shit eatin’ grin on my face. ~ Don Imus … (Paraphrased)

Who would have ever thought that red and blue bears could be so picky about what kind of T-Paper they use? And, I mean, who would have imagined they would inspect each others butts for excessive left-over TP lint. LOL!!!

Did you ever wonder where ad agencies go to find enough red and blue bears (don't forget the stunt doubles and stand-ins) with butt fetishes to do a commercial like that?

I just can’t help but wonder if red bears are all actually always red or are they like brown bears that can sometimes black, thus [sometimes] being blue instead of red? .. And the same for the blue bears; can they also be red?

I have oftentimes wondered about things like this, have you??? They help keep me busy on those days that I find myself with way too much time on my hands.

I got these from a dear friend in Canada... We trade funny from time to time and this is her most recent contribution.

"Figure one good turn deserves another, Joe .. these aren't as good as yours but you are the master.. I'm just a lowly apprentice"---------------Robert Whiting, an elderly US gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, Monsieur?" , the Customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously."Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.""Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France !" , the Customs officer sneered.

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long, hard look.

Then he quietly explained..."Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach, at 4:40am, on D-Day in 1944, to help liberate your country, I couldn't find a single Frenchman to show a passport to.."

You could have heard a pin drop.----------------------------------------

You're a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home care available for you. So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years, or older, a gun (G) and 4 bullets.

You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you'll be sent to prison, where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a home.

And, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you're at it.

Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or what?----------------------

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.

'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

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If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work,He blames the restaurant.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,Your family blames the Tobacco company.

If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk,He blames the bartender.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners,You blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman,You blame the gun manufacturer..

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilotat 35,000 feet, and the passengers Kill him instead,The mother of the crazed deceased Blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to Understand the worldAs it is anymore.

So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED BOTTOM is parked in front of this computer….I want all of you to ...