A: On March 26, 2009 this team shot itself directly in the foot, losing 3-2 to the Phoenix Coyotes.

Q: Who are the damned Edmonton Oilers of 2009?

If you've just woken from a doctor-induced coma and are seeking to catch up with the world since you were put under, we can bring you up to speed pretty quickly on everything you have missed in the past 10 years:

Britney Spears was a teenage popstar.

She rose to the top of the world with her sweet, demure nature and sexy looks.

She then went completely crazy, nailed half of the paparazzi in LA, shaved her head and trashed a car with an umbrella.

When all was lost, she sold her soul to Satan and quickly rose to the top of the pop world again, with her demure nature and sexy looks.

The Phoenix Coyotes beat the Oilers last night 3-2, scoring a goal for every Phoenix fan in attendance in Glendale. Britney’s thoughts on the matter are unavailable as of press time.

There. Now that we're all on the same page we can proceed with railing against how awful the Oilers are and worse.

Let’s get this straight

Dwayne Roloson started in net AGAIN? Really MacT? You do realize Roloson is older than you right? You do realize that if the Oil manage to get out of their own way and somehow make the playoffs your starting goalie will already have the fatigue level of a 7th-game Cup appearance. You do understand this right?

We could go on about the Oilers losing until the cows come home. But even greater treachery is afoot. Coupled with the Oilers losing, it is probably the greatest attack on our values that we have suffered in a single evening in quite some time.

The worst thing ever

As we have been known to do on most Thursdays we went and played some poker with the boys. It's 51% beer, 40% “something” and 9% poker and on nights when the Oilers play it can go downhill very quickly.

Last night, the Oilers were busy in the long and torturous process of gassing a game that they could afford to lose. Your ol’ pal Wanye, on the other hand, was coming off a win the last time we played poker and we were busy slow playing the table to a second place finish whilst drinking our usual 58 Bud Lights.*

We go to the fridge to grip a beer and it was at this point in time the absolutely unthinkable occurred.

This:

At first blush this may look like nothing more than another soldier about to get crushed by your ol’ pal Wanye en route to another world class poker performance. But upon closer inspection Members of the Jury, you will note two key facts:

Exhibit A: This can remains unopened – note the sealed top.
Exhibit B: There isn’t a drop of beer in the can.

Is anyone else’s mind just completely blown by this? Is anything sacred anymore? An empty Bud Light can shipped in a case to some devil-may-care Canadian Poker Sensation? Uh WTF?

A pair of losses

We're at a loss to explain how the Oil could show up with as little emotion or skill as they did last night, with the playoffs on the line and facing one of the worst teams in hockey. We can’t even begin to explain how in the hell the fantastical beer Oompaloompas at the magical Bud Light factory somehow allowed one of their delicious cans to escape unfilled.

This is an absolute outrage and it won’t stand. Doesn’t anyone care about professionalism anymore? Is anyone interested in competing on a night in and night out basis anymore? Or is everyone just mailing it in and rushing home to watch American Idol?

Make a note in the log: March 26, 2009. The night both the Oilers and Bud Light completely failed us.

*The cold and crisp taste of BLs are not being endorsed in the least in this article.

A non-Bud-Light-Scandal-related note

As we have never it discussed prior to right now, no one knows that the official band of the OilersNation is a band called Toast. No one knows this, but they totally are. Our boy Chris basically runs most of E-Town with his crazy band and they recently performed a jam called “Smile On,” on CityTV’s Breakfast Television last Monday morning. Completely unsolicited by Chris we are going to demand everyone able to walk, run or drive should make their way down to the Crown & Anchor pub in Castledowns and witness musical history this weekend.

But if you order a Bud Light at the concert make sure it isn't already empty. Cause that totally can happen.

Blog so hard motherf**ckers try and find me.
Email me at wanyegretz@gmail.com or tweet me @wanyegretz provided it is about Jordan Eberle or babes.

*sits forward on couch with shoulders slouched. stares at tv screen watching highlights of the loss for the 5th time. sighs. listlessly picks up his ak-47 and fires imaginary rounds in the air only to find that even they offer no solice. suddenly feels the urge to buy a tie and forgets all about the pretend russian rifle. the oilers have killed his inner child and apparently his ability to capitalize letters.

Looks like SOMEBODY wishes they were American. And is watching their figure.

What's that first picture? I assume it's just another round of Thursday night White Boy Breakdance Showdown®, but I'd like to think your friend was trying to drive himself straight through to the basement to avoid having to watch anymore of that craptacular debacle last night.

Are you serious? Have you ever had a Bud Light? Have you ever had 30 Bud Lights in one sitting? Absolutely zero bloating. I convert people to Bud Light like Tom Cruise converts people to Scientology:

Quite regularly and I starve Katie Holmes in the process.

@ jeanshorts:

First of all that wasn't a breakdance showdown. It was a worm competition. And it wasn't last night either. It was at a party my boy Lavinskidine put together. His wife later threw out the guy in the picture for being too buckled. He wandered the streets like a ghost for about an hour in sub zero temps and we all thought he had been pinched by the fuzz.

I haven't bought underwear in years. Your mom usually leaves a pair behind when I throw her out of my house in the morning. They are about 12 sizes too big, but with a little sewing I can make them work.

Wanger wrote:
Yeah, Bud Light? What colour panties do you buy from Wal-Mart?
I haven’t bought underwear in years. Your mom usually leaves a pair behind when I throw her out of my house in the morning. They are about 12 sizes too big, but with a little sewing I can make them work.

I think that the empty Bud Light is an excellent metaphor for our team. On the outside, they look like something great. Something that can take away our stress at the end of the day by quenching our thirst for a victory.

But then, when they are ready for duty and you reach out to that cool can in the fridge, you only find that they are empty. They have NOTHING in them. The whole act of reaching out to them feels like a complete waste of energy and time... and yet, you know you will be back for another one on another day. Hopefully though the Wobly Wonka at Budvilla filled up that can and the right team shows up.

Wanye, it looks like that can fell victim to the Bic pen shootgun. Maybe the fantastical beer Oompaloompas at the magical Bud Light factory were witness to a recent Oilers game and needed to drown their sorrows.

It's official Oilers, I usually get (and take) a free pass from the wife when there is a hockey game on. I'm not expected to 'talk just for the sake of talking'. I don't have to watch Jon and Kate plus 8 and I get to swear and yell at the TV (Deep Oil yelling at a stop sign style) as long as our daughter is in bed.
But after last night and honestly, most of this season, I'm not being your b*tch anymore. I've made the effort, the Oil haven't. You've killed my spirit by watching this crapfest all year. I honestly can't wait for the suffering that is your season to be over.

I'm so mad at every single Oiler right now it's a good thing I don't have that AK-47! People say you have to get rid of the coach because you can't replace every single player...right about now I wish we could replace EVERY SINGLE PLAYER! You hit some posts...BOOO FREAKIN HOOOOO! There is no excuse...NOTHING you can say to your fans right now that justifies your failure to skate. SKATE! AAAAAGGGHHHHH! Give the trainers a TASER. How can any of those guys even look Joey Moss in the eye?

I said this one blog roll over... There is a culture of losing in this organization. The Oilers had such a great start (Like the Islanders) but 17 straight years of ineptitude: CULTURE OF LOSING. There is a problem when the dream of every young hockey player is to break into the league with a team like Edmonton, be given a lot of responsibility right away, and then move on to a real organization upon free agency for a chance to contend...

@ Abdullah the Butcher:
i agree totally. K Lowe has signined one good contract in his career and that was Hemsky. you only need to look at Horc and Penner to see how the rest have worked out. lets hope and pray for a house cleaning that will never come.

So KLowe states publicly that Ryan Smyth isn't an elite player and he trades him away. Only to watch our first line fall into disarray for two years. Then he deals away our two best faceoff and PK guys in Jarret Stoll and Marty Reasoner. Then they trade away our best backup that won us many many OT games last in Garon. Missing the playoffs this year should be no surprise when you look at the history of this team's trades over the past few years.

@ Harlie Chuddy:
The worst thing about the Smyth nonsense (and I think K-Lowe is right, Smyth is a GOOD player, but not elite) - the results and backlash led to the utter cluster.... that is 7 million for the faceoff specialist.

I think the MT can of bud light is a ringing endorsement of just how "light it is. You can slam back beers so fast you didn't know you drank them...

*awkward pause, crickets chirping*

I didn't watch much of the game, the parts I did watch they stunk - the parts I missed they scored goals. Ridiculous that these guys still take nights off against teams they need to beat to get into the play-offs.

If they lose tonight I think the tickets I had delivered to me for the play-offs yesterday will be just like "2009 Arizona Cardinal Superbowl Champs" t shirts that people in Ethiopia are wearing now. A nice conversation piece.

I agree that Smyth may not be elite and KLowe was right in his remark but that doesn't change the fact that our first line was dependable and our best line every night when it was 94,10,83. Now it's a constant carousel with players in and out of that line trying to find chemistry. And exactly, the Whiffocff contract is a fricken abortion.

time for Zack, Mack , JJ (they couldn't do any worse)and ell them to show some emotion (and deal some bruises out). 6 points in the next 3 games and (almost) all is forgiven.

This is a young team and sometimes it shows, but some vets are not stepping up and leading. Sam G. is a 19 year old 2nd year pro, he shouldn't have to be the teams go to guy for scoring yet.

By the time I return from Punta Cana will only be two games left, hope I have something to cheer about.
1st round, as we back in should be Detroit. If ever there was an elite team that could fail it's Detroit with their goaltending. (I didn't count the Flickers as an elite team).

"It wasn't horrible.... we just weren't able to score early... that was the difference in the game."
-Ethan Moreau. Team Captain.

"There's not many opportunities to lose games anymore."
-Sheldon Souray. Assistant Captain.

Culture of losing. The Oilers aren't playing to win. They are trying to limit losses... It's NOT the same thing. Oh, and Ethan... It WAS horrible. The rhetoric of letting this one go, and focusing on the next one, etc... only rings true if you DO focus on the next one! Try playing for the entire 60mins for once... Every player on this team is tradeable this offseason. There needs to ba an attitude adjustment.

I like all of the outrage every night when the oil lose, but really... I'm still trying to wrap my head around the fact that we were in 7th place going into last night's game. How is that even possible? Oh you crazy oilers...

Let’s put it to a poll. Let’s see who likes what beer. What are the poll options.

Wayne, I'm on the Bud Light wagon. I don't think I drink nearly as much as you do (as if that would be possible) but if there's beer in the house it's usually the B.L.
This by the way drives the F-in-Law nuts as he's an old school Sask. farmboy and the word 'Light' should never be in the same sentence as beer.

Wanye Gretz wrote:
Let’s put it to a poll. Let’s see who likes what beer. What are the poll options.
Wayne, I’m on the Bud Light wagon. I don’t think I drink nearly as much as you do (as if that would be possible) but if there’s beer in the house it’s usually the B.L.
This by the way drives the F-in-Law nuts as he’s an old school Sask. farmboy and the word ‘Light’ should never be in the same sentence as beer.
As a disclaimer if I’m out and it’s there, I drink Guiness.