It’s the Archer Quote-down!: Lana Kane

With the long-awaited season five premier of FX’s vulgarity-soaked laugh-fest, Archer, upon us (January 13th), what better way to whet the anticipation of both fan and neophyte alike than with some of the best quotes from the show’s superbly voiced characters. Now that you’ve filled out your paperwork in H.R. and met the boss, let’s introduce you to one of our premier agents…

Despite being the best agent at ISIS by an entire lap, the long-suffering Lana Kane has little choice but to endure not only two obnoxious ex-lovers at work (Sterling Archer and Cyril Figgis), but the indignity of bald-faced favoritism shown by her boss, Malory, toward her son, Sterling. Plus, most of the time, it seems like the rest of her coworkers at ISIS won’t be satisfied until they permanently drag her down to their level of persistent unprofessionalism. All it might take is one more crack about her “monster hands.”

10. “Apparently, we’re in a crazy parallel universe where bonuses are based on merit, instead of whether or not you crawled out of your mother!”
You can be sure Lana enjoyed derisively explaining to Archer that, for once, her work has been correctly valued by Malory. Archer’s outrage was undoubtedly delicious to her.

9. “Dude, this van’s, like, rolling probable cause.”
There’s no question that the (probably) Nazi-cloned ISIS equivalent of MI6’s Q, Dr. Krieger, is into some seriously effed-up shit. His series of RUSH-themed vans with their suspiciously dark window tint only compounds his reputation as a potentially dangerous super-creep.

8. “My vulva is a smoother than a veal cutlet!”
It’s not to say Lana’s without vanity. It’s just that, next to Archer’s towering narcissism, hers is dwarfed—and typically emerges mostly as self-defense against what is probably some lingering adolescent insecurity.

7. “Yeah, thanks! The memory of your bare ass will bring me comfort and warmth during the coming nuclear winter.”
Trying to make Archer take a mission more seriously is generally pointless, so sarcasm again provides the coziest security blanket.

6. “I’m sorry. Your words made sense, but your sarcastic tone did not.”
Being big enough to acknowledge that nobody knows how to push her buttons like Archer doesn’t mean she’s any better at not actively participating in their antagonistic relationship.