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Topic: Acceptable for Child to be in Room while Visiting? (Read 15670 times)

I'm not trying to dogpile on you. I get the sense of frustration that's coming through in your original post. But - like other posters - I do wonder why you can't simply sit in another room (such as the kitchen, or living room). Is it because your aunt only wants to sit in "her" room?

Frankly, the whole question sounds as though the OP wants to be in control of the computer, and the circumstances, when she visits her great-aunt.

I think this is it exactly. At the very least, I think the OP disapproves of the way that the household operates, which is her prerogative. However, her decision making power is relatively limited here.

It is reasonable for the OP to have control over her person and her property while at someone else's home. It's not quite reasonable for her to expect to have control over her host's property. (So she can decline to let her cousin play with her phone, but she can't expect that he not use the house computer.)

I think the best bet for the OP in this case is to offer to take her mom and aunt out to coffee or to meet in someone else's home. That way, she'll be able to exercise some control over who is and is not present, and she can enforce her boundaries about who is privy to her conversation. If she's not comfortable discussing Topic X in the presence of a minor, she doesn't have to. (Obviously, this is true right now. There's no need for her to discuss a topic that she thinks is too grown-up for her cousin's ears during her visits. However, if she really needs to talk about that topic, I can understand her frustration.)

I have to agree with those posters who say that your attitude probably needs adjustment. I say this as someone who is not particularly fond of children and who finds it annoying when they are allowed to dominate conversations. If it were merely a case of nephew being noisily on the computer, I might think you had a point (although I still wouldn't think it your place to say anything) But the fact that you want to be on the computer yourself seems quite off. I would just not visit with these people for a while.

Could you call up your aunt and say, "Mom and I were thinking about visiting. Is there a time we can visit when we won't be disturbing Grandson as he uses your computer? We know he doesn't really enjoy visiting with us....hey, he's a 10 year old boy with a couple of older women. We get I t; no harm, no foul. And you know, sometimes topics come up that aren't really appropriate for him to hear." If Aunt says that you won't bother him, then you can always say, "No thanks, we'll just wait for another time then. While it's nice to see him to say Hi, it's just not a relaxing visit if we have to censor our conversations or hear that he's not happy with us being there."

I think this is a very good way of putting it. I also agree with those posters who have asked if there is anywhere else in the house that you could sit. Perhpas Aunt sees the TV/Computer room as her space, and feels she cannot encroach on the rest of the house. And why does the boy have to use the cmputer in Aunt's room? Is it the only computer in the house.? From what the OP says, he has his own laptop, so why isn't he using it in his own family rooms, or his bedroom?

I don't think the OP can claim the 10 year old doesn't want to converse as evidenced by his computer use when that is exactly what the OP wants to do (use the computer instead of converse). If I were the aunt, I would suggest the OP stay home and use her own computer before I would kick my grandson off so the OP can use the computer instead if visiting.

I don't think the OP can claim the 10 year old doesn't want to converse as evidenced by his computer use when that is exactly what the OP wants to do (use the computer instead of converse). If I were the aunt, I would suggest the OP stay home and use her own computer before I would kick my grandson off so the OP can use the computer instead if visiting.

That's not accurate. From cleverkate's first post: And admittedly, because I have ADD-PI (the lesser known inattentive type) I like to use the computer while we're chatting or else I get very bored and irritable. I'm not good at social chit-chat so it's impossible for me to maintain a conversation and that's when I get bored. I contribute only when I have something worthwhile to say. Using the computer actually helps me contribute to the conversation because it helps stimulate my brain and we can talk about things I'm looking up on the computer such as Crocs shoes or recipes, etc. If I just sit in the chair, even if I'm looking at a magazine, I get bored and people can tell because I start foot tapping or spinning around (I'm over 30, BTW).

I don't think the OP can claim the 10 year old doesn't want to converse as evidenced by his computer use when that is exactly what the OP wants to do (use the computer instead of converse). If I were the aunt, I would suggest the OP stay home and use her own computer before I would kick my grandson off so the OP can use the computer instead if visiting.

That's not accurate. From cleverkate's first post: And admittedly, because I have ADD-PI (the lesser known inattentive type) I like to use the computer while we're chatting or else I get very bored and irritable. I'm not good at social chit-chat so it's impossible for me to maintain a conversation and that's when I get bored. I contribute only when I have something worthwhile to say. Using the computer actually helps me contribute to the conversation because it helps stimulate my brain and we can talk about things I'm looking up on the computer such as Crocs shoes or recipes, etc. If I just sit in the chair, even if I'm looking at a magazine, I get bored and people can tell because I start foot tapping or spinning around (I'm over 30, BTW).

I know quite a few people with varying degrees of ADD. Based on my experiences, it is highly unlikely that the OP maintains a conversation while using a computer. It's far more likely that she browses the Internet and then starts talking about what she's reading, regardless of what her mom or aunt would like to discuss. Her own suggestions of what she likes to discuss are a good indicator that her computer usage does not lead to meaningful contributions to the conversation. I agree with TurtleDove, the OP's issue stems not from the grandson himself, but from her desire to withdraw to the computer.

I don't think the OP can claim the 10 year old doesn't want to converse as evidenced by his computer use when that is exactly what the OP wants to do (use the computer instead of converse). If I were the aunt, I would suggest the OP stay home and use her own computer before I would kick my grandson off so the OP can use the computer instead if visiting.

That's not accurate. From cleverkate's first post: And admittedly, because I have ADD-PI (the lesser known inattentive type) I like to use the computer while we're chatting or else I get very bored and irritable. I'm not good at social chit-chat so it's impossible for me to maintain a conversation and that's when I get bored. I contribute only when I have something worthwhile to say. Using the computer actually helps me contribute to the conversation because it helps stimulate my brain and we can talk about things I'm looking up on the computer such as Crocs shoes or recipes, etc. If I just sit in the chair, even if I'm looking at a magazine, I get bored and people can tell because I start foot tapping or spinning around (I'm over 30, BTW).

I know quite a few people with varying degrees of ADD. Based on my experiences, it is highly unlikely that the OP maintains a conversation while using a computer. It's far more likely that she browses the Internet and then starts talking about what she's reading, regardless of what her mom or aunt would like to discuss. Her own suggestions of what she likes to discuss are a good indicator that her computer usage does not lead to meaningful contributions to the conversation. I agree with TurtleDove, the OP's issue stems not from the grandson himself, but from her desire to withdraw to the computer.

"And admittedly, because I have ADD-PI (the lesser known inattentive type) I like to use the computer while we're chatting or else I get very bored and irritable.""If I just sit in the chair, even if I'm looking at a magazine, I get bored and people can tell because I start foot tapping or spinning around (I'm over 30, BTW)."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are lots of times when people with no conditions such as ADHD feel bored and irritable. They just stick it out and get through it. What is so terrible if you have to spin around and toe tap? Your relatives would be aware of your condition and know you're not trying to be disrespectful. I don't think I know anybody who lives life in optimal comfort 24 hours a day. People get discomforted, irritated, etc. often. They just have to put up with it and slog through.

I don't think the OP can claim the 10 year old doesn't want to converse as evidenced by his computer use when that is exactly what the OP wants to do (use the computer instead of converse). If I were the aunt, I would suggest the OP stay home and use her own computer before I would kick my grandson off so the OP can use the computer instead if visiting.

That's not accurate. From cleverkate's first post: And admittedly, because I have ADD-PI (the lesser known inattentive type) I like to use the computer while we're chatting or else I get very bored and irritable. I'm not good at social chit-chat so it's impossible for me to maintain a conversation and that's when I get bored. I contribute only when I have something worthwhile to say. Using the computer actually helps me contribute to the conversation because it helps stimulate my brain and we can talk about things I'm looking up on the computer such as Crocs shoes or recipes, etc. If I just sit in the chair, even if I'm looking at a magazine, I get bored and people can tell because I start foot tapping or spinning around (I'm over 30, BTW).

I know quite a few people with varying degrees of ADD. Based on my experiences, it is highly unlikely that the OP maintains a conversation while using a computer. It's far more likely that she browses the Internet and then starts talking about what she's reading, regardless of what her mom or aunt would like to discuss. Her own suggestions of what she likes to discuss are a good indicator that her computer usage does not lead to meaningful contributions to the conversation. I agree with TurtleDove, the OP's issue stems not from the grandson himself, but from her desire to withdraw to the computer.

I'll take cleverkate at her word.

I think the poster may be referring to this sentence in the OP:

Quote

Using the computer actually helps me contribute to the conversation because it helps stimulate my brain and we can talk about things I'm looking up on the computer such as Crocs shoes or recipes, etc.

I wouldn't take that to mean that the OP is interjecting about things only she's interested in. There are times I've been visiting with a friend and together we'll look up things online and chat about them, or when we've used the computer to do genealogy and chat about that. It can be a good conversation piece so long as everyone is interested in the topic.

"And admittedly, because I have ADD-PI (the lesser known inattentive type) I like to use the computer while we're chatting or else I get very bored and irritable.""If I just sit in the chair, even if I'm looking at a magazine, I get bored and people can tell because I start foot tapping or spinning around (I'm over 30, BTW)."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are lots of times when people with no conditions such as ADHD feel bored and irritable. They just stick it out and get through it. What is so terrible if you have to spin around and toe tap? Your relatives would be aware of your condition and know you're not trying to be disrespectful. I don't think I know anybody who lives life in optimal comfort 24 hours a day. People get discomforted, irritated, etc. often. They just have to put up with it and slog through.

I do agree with this. I have ADD too and there are times I am not feeling quite stimulated enough so I find my own form of stimulation, even if it's something as simple as fiddling with a pen, my rings, a bracelet or necklace pendant. I always seem to need to be doing something with my hands when I'm expected to sit and listen. And unless it's something distracting to others (clicking a pen, bouncing a knee, etc) people really don't seem to mind much, if they even notice in the first place.

Logged

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata

Could you call up your aunt and say, "Mom and I were thinking about visiting. Is there a time we can visit when we won't be disturbing Grandson as he uses your computer? We know he doesn't really enjoy visiting with us....hey, he's a 10 year old boy with a couple of older women. We get I t; no harm, no foul. And you know, sometimes topics come up that aren't really appropriate for him to hear." If Aunt says that you won't bother him, then you can always say, "No thanks, we'll just wait for another time then. While it's nice to see him to say Hi, it's just not a relaxing visit if we have to censor our conversations or hear that he's not happy with us being there."

To me, that sounds like passively aggressively blaming the child for cleverkate not wanting to visit - sure, she can frame it as "oh, I don't want to bother him while we're there" but it sounds like "everything he does bothers me while I'm there." He may be annoying, but he's a 10 year old child.

I think the only thing OP can really address is the child's presence during adult conversations. As others have said, her entertainment or help for her condition is her responsibility, not that of her host(s).