Despite his death (Death to liars!) Despite the fact that Western propagandists have fooled most of the world into believing him dead, we know that the immortal Saparmurat Niyazov remains the Turkmenbashi, the great leader of Turkmenistan. He was born in nineteenhundredandsomething. Turkmenbashi is most known for his ability to ban stufflead the glorious Turkmen nation into a new Age of the Turkmen. No other politician in history has been more favorable towards banningalternatively promoting things than him, but while ordinary politicians ban stuff using almost scientific reasoning, Turkmenbashi bans forcefully improves the obvious nuisances of life. He wanted to follow Ataturk; but Ataturk succededsucked, Turkenbashi suckedsuceeded. Although he copied Ataturk's name as TurkmenbashiAlthough Ataturk pre-emptively copied his name, knowing full well that Turkmenbashi would need it later. Both of them have the same meaning.

Because of his reforms, the Turkmens live in a distorted space-timeenlightenment. He has now:

Banned all the names of the days of the Week. Now they are all named after someone's mother.Restored the historical names of the weekdays in the Turkmen calender.

Banned all the names of the months. Now they are named after someone's mother, and her cat Fluffy. (The month of Fluffy is a time of celebration, wherein all found shoeboxes are burned in a ritual bonfire in the desert.)Restored the traditional names of the months, and instituted the Feast of the Melons, wherein all Turkmens are well fed.

Banned the 24 hour day. Turkmenistani time now goes by the planet Mercury and one day in Turkmenistan is now 176 earthdays. That means a year is 88 days, except when it is the month of Fluffy where a day is 9 hours after the planet Jupiter.Actually, the day is determined by the orbit of the spacebound copy of Ruhnama (see "Book").

According to Turkmenistan's official figures, Turkmenbashi holds an approvalrate of 600%. This is possible because Turkmenbashi wields six times more power over his citizens livesgives six times more happiness to his people's wonderful lives than any other president.

Rukhnama is the single most important book ever written. It contains history, poetry and theology as stated by the infallible Turkmenbashi. It is no small wonder that Turkmen children are the most educated in the world, with this textbook.

However, Turkmenbashi wishes to share his wisdom with the whole world. For this cause, he has published his book in every language known to man, and every language yet to be known to man.

A giant talking version of the book may be found, for the illiterate who may be reading this, in Ashgabat. It conducts readings round-the-clock, just underneath the rotating, gold-plated statue of the President, which constantly reflects golden sun-rays upon the book.

He has even afforded astronauts his erudite learning by having the slave-state of Kazakhstan launch a copy into space. It reached Jupiter this October.