You probably think you can tell what PPL MVR sound like just by looking at them. I mean, it’s three guys dressed up like yetis. It’s gotta be knuckle-dragging, skull-pounding sludge metal, right? Or maybe theatrical death metal a la Band of Orcs. One way or another, it’s metal. Clearly. Only metal guys are willing to […]

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Actually, by the time you read this, Metalachi have probably already impregnated your daughters. Consensually, of course. Emphasis on “sensual.” Yeah, they’re that good.

Yep, L.A.’s favorite mariachi metal band is hitting the road this December, and if you live in Sacramento, Boise or Spokane, you are about to have your minds blown by how great the lead of “Sweet Child O’ Mine” sounds on a violin. You folks in Seattle and Portland, it probably takes a bit more to blow your minds, but you’ll still dig them, anyway.

Also next month, Metalachi continue their Monday night residency at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino is Las freakin’ Vegas. They’re even playing the night before New Year’s Eve…or “New Year’s Eve pre-game,” as it’s known to us professional alcoholics. ¡Feliz Año Nuevo!

Okay, so we didn’t dress up as zombies for the 6th annual Long Beach Zombie Walk. Instead of brains, we feasted on bacon-and-gorgonzola sliders from the Me So Hungry food truck. But hey, we were there to document. I didn’t want to get zombie gore all over my camera phone. (Except that I kind of did anyway. More on that in a moment.)

Zombies are great and all, but we were mainly there to see the bands. Radioactive Chicken Heads, Rosemary’s Billygoat, Haunted Garage and Metalachi, all in one lineup? We’d eat our mothers’ brains with a spoon to check that out.

Sadly, we missed Radioactive Chicken Heads, which was extra frustrating because we got there during the last 15 minutes of their set and just couldn’t find the entrance. Event security staff were in full-on zombie mode, too. “How do we get in?” we kept asking, at barricade after barricade. “Ugh,” they’d reply, pointing vaguely back in the direction we’d just come from. Who do we have to eat to get into this thing?

We finally figured it out just in time to have about an hour to kill before the next set, by Rosemary’s Billygoat. We passed the time watching a lame wrestling show, a slightly less lame burlesque act, having more event staff zombie conversations about how to buy beer (“Where do I go to get my ID checked?” “Ugh! Ugggghhhh!!”) and, of course, people zombie watching. Not everybody went full undead for the occasion, but among the ones who did, there were some pretty cool makeups. Here’s our personal favorite, the only one we saw from which people actually recoiled in horror.

Incidentally, I’m glad to see he wore his earplugs. Just because you’re dead doesn’t mean you can’t take precautions again tinnitus.

Finally. Rosemary’s Billygoat took the stage, and they did not disappoint. Frontman Mike Odd is a serious showman, entering on stilts through the crowd and performing their first head-banger strapped to an electric chair.

Throughout their set, R’s BG pushed the prop-rock envelope. There were pizzas sliced up into pentagrams. There were hearses spun in circles through the audience. There was a flaming baby carriage for their cover of “Hell Is for Children” by that “horror queen” (as Mike Odd referred to her), Pat Benatar. There was a flaming guitar, which I failed to get a decent picture of, but I’m posting a picture of it anyway because I love that one of the spectators in the foreground is a giant brain. [Update: We have since received a great shot of the flaming guitar from none other than Mr. Mike Odd himself. Thanks, Mike!]

The show ended with what looked like Manute Bol in a werewolf costume stumbling through the crowd. It was all quite the rock ‘n’ roll spectacle.

Photo by Todd Sharp

Next up: Haunted Garage, the recently rebooted splatter-punk ensemble led by the inimitable Dukey Flyswatter, looking fetching in an apron made of human skin (note the screaming face visible near the hem) and ass-crack-revealing biker shorts. (I failed to get a decent photo of Dukey’s ass-crack. To all humanity, my humblest apologies.) Oh yeah, and those things on his face? Mousetraps. Even the guy with the super-gross zombie makeup was probably like, “Woah, dude. Hardcore.”

“This is our first Halloween show in 20 fuckin’ years!” Dukey proudly announced. They tore through a short but furious set of Haunted Garage classics, from “Welcome to Hell” and “Bitch Like You” to “Incredible Two-Headed Transplant” and “Brain in a Jar” (complete with, yes, a brain in a jar, like something you’d see at the checkout counter of a zombie convenience store). The stage show was stripped down compared to Rosemary’s Billygoat (“We’re building it back up,” Dukey promised), but what they lacked in flaming baby carriages they more than made up for with energy, intensity and spewage. Right after “Welcome to Hell,” Dukey scored a direct hit on me and several other folks in the front row with a well-sprayed mouthful of what looked like blood but which I believe was Jack Daniels, Coke and red food coloring. At least that’s what it tasted like. Yeah, he caught me mouth-breathing, that bastard. What can I say? I was slack-jawed with admiration at their horror-punk onslaught.

The whole band tore it up, but special recognition has to go to guitarist Erik Erath, whose screaming leads took the whole band into Priest/Maiden territory. Not bad for a guy whose brains appeared to be leaking out of his forehead.

Oh, did I mention the giant, demonic rabbit? That’s Peter Rotten Tail, who came out and danced around for a song or two. There was also a flying monkey and some go-go dancers called the Gore Gore Girls. But Dukey was always the center of attention. That guy’s a true rock ‘n’ roll maniac.

After Haunted Garage, we stumbled over to a whole second fenced-off area for the Zombie Walk, which isn’t really a walk anymore—more like an aimless milling about, which I suppose is more zombie-like, come to think of it. Anyway, the headliners in this smaller area were L.A.’s preeminent metal mariachi band, Metalachi. We’ve already described the awesomeness that is a Metalachi show, so I won’t give a full recap here; I’ll just note that I believe they rocked this poor gentleman’s fucking face off:

So thanks for an excellent evening, Long Beach Zombie Walk! And sorry we missed you, Radioactive Chicken Heads. I’m sure you were a huge hit with the undead crowd.

I like to make fun of Texas as the land of Dubya and belt buckles the size of license plates, and I don’t intend to give those things up anytime soon. But it’s also the land of Christeene and these guys, so I guess they aren’t all bad.

More proof that Texas isn’t just for gun nuts and cousin-marriers: they seem to have a big ol’ ten-gallon hard-on for Metalachi, the awesome metal mariachi cover band whose praises we have been singing between long swigs of Tecate for some time now. And now Metalachi is gearing up to return the love with a nine-show swing through the Lone Star State. Hide your cheerleaders, Cowboys.

Here are the full dates. By the way, I had no idea you folks out in Lubbock had named a bar in my honor. I hope y’all have plenty of Shiner Bock on hand at all times, cuz you never know when I might drop by for a visit.

For those of y’all back here in L.A.: Metalachi will be hosting the third annual Drinko de Mayo party at the Roxy on Friday, May 3rd. Stay tuned for more details on that mess.

Let’s play this out with “Sweet Chayo o’ Mine,” as filmed by yours truly with an iPhone in one hand and a margarita in the other. Watch close and you can spot the moment when I switched hands cuz my arm got tired.

Ever since we first heard about them two years ago, we’ve been meaning to get our asses to a Metalachi concert. Not like we haven’t had plenty of chances; they’re a local band and they play L.A. all the fucking time. But somehow, we just never quite made it happen.

Well last night, we finally got our Metalachi cherry popped at El Cid, a combination nightclub/Mexican restaurant that, if they had any sense at all, would make these guys their house band. Because sweet Jesus (pronounced “Hey-Seuss”) does Metalachi put on a show, even to a half-empty room on a Wednesday night. By the time they finished up with an encore of “Ace of Spades,” I did not see one person who wasn’t horns-up and yelling along.

Even if this is the first you’ve ever heard of Metalachi, you can probably guess from the name what they’re about: They’re a mariachi band that plays hard rock and metal covers. No electric guitars, no drums (except one time when Dave Lombardo of Slayer sat in with them), just violin, trumpet, acoustic guitars and vocals.

You might think “Ace of Spades” with no drums and no Marshall stacks would sound pretty weak, but most of Metalachi’s set works surprisingly well because a.) these are great fucking songs and b.) behind the gimmick and corny stage banter (“Come closer! We won’t bite unless you’re a fucking taco!”), these guys are actually kick-ass musicians. The violinist, in particular, one Maximilian “Dirty” Sanchez, can fucking wail.

And yeah, the whole metal-mariachi-band gimmick is pretty great, too. Especially as embodied by the trumpet player, El Cucy, who looks like a refugee from GWARdalajara. Get it? Cuz he’s in a mariachi band and…oh fuck it. Just look at the pictures, for fuck’s sake.

Besides “Ace of Spades,” Metalachi also gave the Tijuana treatment to “Rainbow in the Dark,” “We’re Not Gonna Take It,” “Black Dog,” “Here I Go Again,” “Bark at the Moon,” “Master of Puppets” and “Enter Sandman,” “Every Rose Has Its Thorn,” “Livin’ on a Prayer” and, of course, the Greatest Hard Rock Song of All Time. Which is the subject of our first-ever Weird Band YouTube Video. Apologies for the shaky camera-work, we’re still new at this shit.

So thanks for an excellent night out, Metalachi! We just have one humble suggestion: Add some Van Halen to your set. “Panama,” maybe? “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love”? You’re the experts, we’re sure you can find something in the Roth-era catalog that lends itself to a little mariachi magic.

Very high on our list of New Year’s resolutions is “Get our asses to a Metalachi show.” L.A.’s preeminent metal/mariachi mashup band has by all accounts been killing it of late, and they just achieved another career milestone last week when they performed a Slayer cover with an actual member of Slayer: drummer Dave Lombardo, who lent his mighty kick rolls to a south-of-the-border rendition of “Raining Blood” at the Roxy on Sunset last Friday.

Behold the Metalachi mayhem in the clip below. The sound quality ain’t great, and neither is the camera work (especially when the cameraman starts headbanging about midway through—but can you blame him?). But you get the idea.

What’s Spanish for “fuck yeah”? Our favorite metal mariachi cover band is hitting the big time! Well, okay, not the big time, exactly—just LA Weekly. But hey, it sure beats a write-up on our crappy little website, so I’m sure they’ll take it.

This LA Weekly article doesn’t actually shed much light on the mysterious costumed quintet known as Metalachi. They stick throughout to their stage names (El Cucuy, Maximilian “Dirty” Sanchez, Vega de la Rockha) and their amusing but unlikely backstory about being five brothers from Juarez. Mostly, we’re linking to it because a.) Metalachi are awesome and b.) the whole article takes place at a strip club.

So what’s new in the world of Metalachi besides LA Weekly articles and strippers offering to do El Cucuy’s makeup? Well, see that sweet album cover art at the top of this post? That is Metalachi’s debut record, Uno, and it’ll be out any day now. Also, if you happen to read this in the next five minutes, you Los Angeles types can catch them at Skinny’s Lounge tonight in North Hollywood. Tell ’em Jake sent you. I’d be there myself but I’m already drunk and I can’t find my keys.

Today’s band was suggested by Lulie, one of our Facebook fans. (Yeah, we have a Facebook page…what, you haven’t liked us yet? Well, what the fuck are you waiting for?) They’re a mariachi metal band, which might make them the most quintessentially L.A. band of all time. Sunset Strip meets East L.A., baby! If this taco truck’s a-rockin, don’t come…okay, we’ll stop.

Anyhoo, Metalachi claim to be a group of five identical twin…no, wait, not twin. What’s the word? Quinteplet? Sorry, I’m writing this drunk. Five identical born at the same time brothers who were born south of the border and snuck into our fair land to discover…well, apparently they discovered Black Sabbath, who are actually British, but let’s not get all technical here. The point is that they discovered metal and proceeded to apply their god-given mariachi skills to the fine art of banging heads. With trumpets, violins and whatever that one really big guitar is called. And one dude who dresses up like GWAR.

Their YouTube channel has a bunch of videos, and they’re all pretty cool in their own way. (The violinist really shreds on “Master of Puppets.”) But of all their covers, the one that sounds the most like an actual mariachi song is probably “Crazy Train.” Who knew?

P.S. If you like Metalachi, may we suggest also checking out Beatallica (Metallica/Beatles cover band), Tragedy (Bee Gees metal cover band) and Schwarzenator (Arnold Schwarzenegger metal tribute band). What is it about metal that attracts so many goofballs?

P.P.S. Since we originally posted this, Metalachi released their debut album, Uno. You can score yourself a CD or download copy over at Amazon.com.