tidings of imminent yore

INTERN has eaten her Goodbye Lunch of curry and various triangular fried things.INTERN has opened her Goodbye Card and delighted that 9 out of 12 signees spelled her name right.INTERN has taken one last wander through the book shelves and filled her backpack to capacity with irresistible Goodbye Books.INTERN has made one last round of jovial conversation with the Head and Assistant Eds, the Editorial Assistant, and various and sundry other friendly publishing folk.INTERN has cast last, loving gazes at the mail machine, the rare orchids in their pots, the coffee machine, and the red leather couch where she spent so many days reading queries and tinkering with stuff.INTERN has taken the stairs down, carrying her bike on her shoulder, and said goodbye to the cheerful doorman.INTERN is not even writing this from Big Fancy Publishing Office, but from a coffee shop a few blocks down.

INTERN is officially not an intern anymore, though she remains so in spirit.

Shall she run away to sea, become a vacuum cleaner saleswoman, or busk for spare change with her doleful melodica? And what of this blog?

And what of this blog?

Should she axe the thing completely, or keep it going in some other vein? Keep writing about publishing/writing, or allow it to wander? Start afresh under a brave new pseudonym? Post pictures of church pews and kittens? Is it time for INTERN to slink off into the dusk?

Comment, and INTERN will ponder.

For now, she has that giant cookie to finish, and a train to catch, and a felicitous jig or two to dance when she gets home.

INTERN will post again soon with some debriefing-type thoughts on interning in general. Also: INTERN is still available for hire for all sorts of writerly critiquerly business, even (especially!) if she runs away to sea.

Off, now, an intern no more, to greet what disasters come next!

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Comments

Well, I for one hope to continue reading of The Intern's adventures in publishing, whether it is as a "pre-published" author (humor intended!!!! honest!!!!) or just your witty comments on whatever the hell you like.

No more Intern blogs? A truly sad day indeed. Next I shall discover that the world isn't populated by crazed Amish zombie/vampire unicorns who secretly manipulate the world's political system in order to harvest gingerbread for their sinister army of teddy bears. What? You say that I just made that up for dramatic effect? O.o What a miserable day this is turning out to be...

Dear Intern,I may indeed call upon your services at some future date.Your writing is delightfuland you should certainly continue bloggingas to subject matterlet it arise spontaneously from wherever you other various thoughts spring from.Also try adding picturesif you like pictures that is

I hope that you do still write something as I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your blog - I love your writing style. I would be interested to see where you go next - if you decide to start up something new, be sure to link so we can follow you!

I shall miss "INTERN" should she vanish. It would be preferable to be permitted to accompany her, even if she does change her name, into the new life and direction she chooses.

In other words, I find your perspective on life comforting, enlivening, and generally worth taking time for. If it is no longer there, then I will miss that special flower I love to stop and enjoy in the Google Reader Garden.

Please don't quit! I love reading your blog. It's so clever that I would continue reading even if publishing ceased being a topic you discussed. Even if you posted pictures of church pews and kittens.

my memory isn't that good but didn't you mention a while back that you wrote a book? why don't you blog about trying to get an agent? or, if you already have an agent and it's getting published, why don't you post about becoming a published author?

frankly, I think you are so funny that I'd read anything you wrote, I just think those two topics would be of interest to the people that already follow your blog.

For some reason I just imagined readers shouting "Intern! Come back!" like at the end of "Shane." And this is why I need afternoon coffee. I don't even like westerns.

As for what to do next? I think you should travel from publishing company to publishing company, fixing them, saving the industry. Build up your legend. "Wander the earth. Like Caine in Kung-Fu." Which is kind of another western.

But in all seriousness: I vote for keeping this blog. What would we read for a laugh or wisdom as the afternoon drags on if you didn't update?

I love the blog, and would be sorry to see it go. I see how, now that you're no longer an intern, the name makes less sense, but I'm hoping you'll continue, and, if under another pseudonym, will at least let us know where to find the new incarnation.

We need for the INTERN to get a job as an editorial assistant or some other such low-paying job that will keep her edgy enough, but will contribute to her need for train fare! Don't abandon your blog and identity as INTERN because really, to us the faithful, that is what you'll always be. Think Elizabeth Taylor, who a hundred years and ten husbands later, is STILL Elizabeth Taylor--same concept. Find a cafe with free wifi and continue to regale and inform us that need to know what's what in the publishing industry. Who would do that for us? No one but you. So, Please. Don't run away to sea where the internets might not find you.

Whilst I hesitate to asperse your former workplace, I feel compelled to point out that if a mere three-quarters of their employees can spell the word INTERN, well, that may go a long way toward explaining their lack of perspicacity in not offering you a permanent position (not that you would necessarily wish to continue working in such a place, anyway).

Concerning your options at this juncture, I highly recommend running away to sea. Men do it in order to learn to become men again, and I feel certain that women may do it for the same reason--to become women again, that is, not men--that would not do at all.

But whatever you decide, you surely must continue to keep and publish your highly informative and entertaining journal, and to toss your readership a cybernautical breadcrumb or two in order that they might follow you to whatever venue you may next inhabit (if inhabiting is what one does with venues, and assuming venue is the word I am looking for).

You know, I don't give a flying f**k what you do next, as long as you keep on blogging. It's you we love, kiddo, not your job. So, if the INTERN turns into the SKIVVY or the BRAIN SURGEON, just post your new pseudonym before you leave so we can all stalk you to the new blog.

You must keep THE INTERN, else how should we find you amdist the blizzard of blogs? I appreciate how you say things as much as the things you say and would happily read on about non-publishing things. If you continue blogging about the writing world, all the better.

Oh Intern, please don't leave us hanging. I'm not much of a blog reader, but I read yours faithfully for its mix of laugh out loud stories of your (weird, but) everyday life (I mean, I'm still chuckling about that time you ran into your boss when you and boyfriend were dressed in sequined flight suit and bear costume respectively!) and for your insight into all kinds of publishing related craziness. Thanks for the laughs and the witty observations about books and those who write and edit them. Don't leave us without at least letting us know what comes next . . .

Even if, ended, it were only to merely exist, this blog would continue to brighten up the internet.

It would nevertheless be sad to see it relegated to such.

Yet I wonder at my motivations in this observation - are they merely selfish? What has THE INTERN gained from the experience, or may from its continuation? And if the considerable talent and industriousness to which this blog owes its origins were then directed to another creation of more benefit to THE INTERN, how could anyone object?

Nevertheless; should THE INTERN procure gainful employment as THE ASSISTANT (or even THE JANITOR) I've no doubt the blog's loyal readers would continue to be entertained by her ongoing hijinks.

And would the move really change the identity of the narrator? Or is not everyone, at some level, still an intern at heart; underpaid, struggling to discover a balance between work and home, full of hopes and dreams which are repeatedly dashed by well coiffed professionals with bigger pay packets and holiday homes in the Bahamas?

Intern should not axe this blog because I would read it even if you only commented on church pews and kittens. Somehow I believe you could make that entertaining . . .

If Intern doesn't find work in publishing, then perhaps Intern has a career in fashion. Your description of that outfit with the hammer belt was intriguing. Your blog has never failed to make me smile. Best of luck, Intern.

I do think former INTERN should consider continuing the blog in the writerly/publishing vein. Perhaps with the occasional dabbling into your thoughts on critiquing/editing, or details of your experiences with such?

Do not axe this site and all that has gone before. It is valuable, it is fun. You are too good to check-out from this. Build it. If under another pseudonym, keep this INTERN web site somehow attached. Do not destroy/discount the work you have already done, and readers gathered. That's not the way the web works. As you know. Look forward to whatever you have on your mind.

Keep writing, please! Your posts are wonderfully hilarious, even the ones not directly related to interning.As for starting afresh, if you do decide to axe this site and make a new blog/website with cat pictures, please let us know where to find you?

A sad yet happy day for you, I am sure. I've enjoyed your posts and shall miss them, but I do hope you find a way to continue posting, even if you can no longer call yourself INTERN. Good luck in whatever you do next. I'm sure you will do well and go far.

Well, INTERN, I only found you about a month ago and I think you're hilarious - so i would be sad to have the blog discontinue - even if you aren't an official intern. Maybe you're life's INTERN?But whatever you decide to do, I wish you the absolute best!

Keep writing the blog, please-- you made it into that .001% of blogs followed by people who aren't in the immediate family!

You could always post pictures of kittens posing in front of different types of bike racks. There might be a field guide/coffee table book in that. Or you could write a coffee table book about people's asinine suggestions for coffee table books.

You may be unsure as to plot, but you have a character and voice in spades. I hope that you continue in publishing--you're too good to lose--and that you continue this blog. I, for one, hope to hear more about the well-oiled editorial meetings. "Intern", in the archaic sense, could continue... as Intern-Ass, Intern-Ed, and finally (oh glorious day) Intern-Pub.

Regarding kitten/church pew pics: these would be the bloggish equivalent to sending head shots and glitter with your manuscript. I'd suggest restraint. But if it will keep you in the game, by all means, bring them on!

Congrats! On to bigger things! You should become an Oatmeal Cookie critic. Replace your name with a symbol like ;O and be called "The Formerly called Intern", and seek oatmeal cookie wonders. You could blog about that.

Selfishly, I ask that you continue writing your writerly thoughts, even if from sea. I have learned much from your rambles through the publishing wilderness, and to not have you around would leave a small but important hole in my day, although possibly my work productivity would improve by 5 or 10 minutes.

Unselfishly, do whatever it is that your heart requires, and good luck.

The Marianne Strong Literary Agency is looking for an intern. I am in no way affiliated with them, but I was just on Craigslist and saw the freshly posted ad. Perhaps you could explore (and blog about) various aspects of the publishing industry?

Keep writing! For us. For yourself. Your blog makes me smile each time I read it. And as a publishing intern, also coming to the end of my internship (as a second career) without a publshing job, or my old job, to go to, I need those smiles. I don't even mind you keeping the INTERN moniker... The Net needs more like you. Take care and don't take off.

Well, I don't know what everyone else wants, but I LOVE reading this blog. I hope it continues in any form--it's hilarious! Preferably, I'd like more writing/publishing stuff, but whatever is fine with me!

INTERN, I hope you don't leave! At the very least I wish you would reveal your identity so we can all go out and buy your book ; ) Good luck with your next adventure! I hope you take us along for the ride.

Wishing you all the best! And thank you again for your first chapter jousting comments. They were very helpful!

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Hilary T. Smith

POPULAR POSTS

If you've read The Hunger Games (or been in the mute and intensely focused presence of someone in the process of reading it), you know that it's practically impossible to put down. Stephen King compared the book to an arcade game that keeps you helplessly plugging in quarters round after round, and after reading it herself INTERN can say that that's a fair approximation.

What exactly is Suzanne Collins doing, on a sentence-to-sentence, paragraph-to-paragraph level, that makes this book such a terrifyingly addictive read?

To shed light on this question, INTERN repaired to her secret basement Book Lab, where she soaked a randomly-selected chapter of The Hunger Games in a bath of chemicals designed to reveal the exact function of each sentence.

Oh, and what an exciting experiment it was! Within seconds, the words themselves melted away, leaving only bright colors representing the following things:

Here is what Chapter 12 looks like following the experiment. If you have a copy of …

Greetings from Essaouira, Morocco. Over the past two months, I have mentally composed so many little missives to post here, but somehow they all grew worn and stale before making it online, like letters that seem to wilt the longer they ride around on your car dashboard, waiting for the day you finally stop by the post office to send them. I am at work on Novel 2 and almost completely disconnected from Internet Reality (which is to say from Publishing News Reality, Writing Advice Reality, Author Blog Reality, and yes, Funny Cat Video Reality) but I can feel things collecting in my brain for future sharing here, piling up like snow. A typical day for me right now goes something like this: Wake up. Coffee/Breakfast Write until afternoon. Walk around public gardens while groundskeepers in bright orange vests blow whistles and gesticulate madly for no apparent reason. Develop fever. Hurry home to toss and turn in strangely pleasant delirium. Nip around the corner in search of medicinal oranges; r…

Writing is a job like any other. I
write every day.It's only professional.I write from 4 AM to 7 AM.Writing is a job.
I
didn't write yesterday, or the day before that.

Then
I do the blogging and social media stuff at night.It's only professional.If you don't treat it like a job, you'll
never succeed.Writing is— It's
only—

I don't
have an industrial body. It doesn't shut down at night and start up again in
the morning like it's "supposed" to, clean-faced and ready for
another day's labor. Sometimes, it doesn't shut down for nights and nights, and
I berate it and throw pills at it until it lurches to a diseased kind of
slumber, only to emerge into a diseased kind of waking, howling with hurt and
betrayal like a grizzly bear waking up in a cage.

"Stupid
body," I tell it. "I need you to sleep you so I can wake up so I can
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A few days ago, the Guardian posted this handy guide to decoding publishers' euphemisms at the London Book Fair:We don't have sales numbers yet – trust us, you don't want to know I loved the opening – boy, the middle needs work National publicity and marketing campaign – there's no budget, so you're on your own I've read the book – I've had it read
To which INTERN would like to add:

Queriers' Euphemisms:

This is my first novel:

I have nine other manuscripts in various stages of completeness sitting on my hard drive: three hilariously angsty ones I wrote in highschool, three hilariously pretentious ones I wrote in college, two post-college attempts at science fiction that ran into unsolvable plot snarls somewhere around the Xxordon Galaxy, and a NaNo about two old ladies who sneak around shooting people with poison darts.

This is my first novel that's really, actually ready to query. At least, I think it is. *deep breath*

When you're revising a novel, it's easy to lose objectivity become so delusional you can't tell if you've just created a stinking mountain of goat poop or written the next Grapes of Wrath. Each scene starts to read like a passage in a holy text—or does it just feel that way because you've read it so many times the words are looping through your brain like a mantra?

Fear not! INTERN is here to help. Here's INTERN's handy guide to figuring out when it's time to hit the delete key and write that scene again.

10. The scene is not really a scene.

Your scene is not a scene if nothing has changed by the end of it.Your scene is not a scene if there was no internal or external conflict, no matter how subtle.Your scene is not a scene if you were too timid to let anything dangerous happen.Your scene is not a scene if you were too cautious to let anything unexpected happen.Your scene is not a scene if the reader is banging her head against the wall saying “What wa…

A little while ago, INTERN posted about a fictitious Character Transformation Bazooka which could make characters have deep realisations and catharses instantly, with no justification.

There are a few other weapons of mass manuscript destruction (WMMD) in the arsenal.

One is the Triumph Bomb, or T-Bomb.

If you go see just about any movie that's playing in a mainstream theatre, there's bound to be at least one scene involving a Moment of Triumph: the submarine crew realizes they've fixed their leaking vessel just in time (hugs, shouts, and meaningful apologies ensue) or a pair of starcrossed mental defectives realizes they're meant for each other and triumphantly race to the nearest marriage office.

These moments of triumph usually happen after about ninety minutes of false starts, dissapointments, and disasters.

One comment INTERN finds herself writing frequently in novel critiques is that the moments of triumph in the story come too soon, or make no sense, or seem to dr…

Over the past three years, INTERN has written manuscript
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representation, go on submission, and basically get the publishing ball
rolling, and some have not (at least, not yet).
One of the neat things about freelance editing is that you get to be a fly on
the wall throughout other writers’ journey towards publication, and INTERN has
observed some interesting patterns amongst her clientele. Here are some factors
that differentiate the soon-to-be-agented writers from the writers who have a
little further to go. 1. They’ve been at it
for a while.
In INTERN’s experience, the novel that lands the agent is almost never a client’s first manuscript. In fact, the
clients who get in touch with one of those ecstatic “OMG agent!!!” e-mails a
few months down the road have almost
always written two or three other manuscripts, and perhaps even done a
round of querying for one of them before deciding to move on.
See also Querying …

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Months** Friends: publishing is not
all six-book mega-deals and twenty-year olds winning national book awards. Most book deals are small-to-medium, and
most people getting book deals are not teenaged geniuses, contrary to what you read online.

You are valid if you are 20 or 32 or 47 or 64 or 71, if your advance is three hundred bucks or ten thousand, if you are fashionably obscure or completely unknown. The models are Photoshopped. Love, INTERN.

INTERN is feeling extremely wonderful and happy today and wanted to fill the world with yes's instead of no's, do's instead of don'ts. Here, then, are the ten most wonderful and useful things you can do you for your manuscript to give it the best possible chance of growing up big and strong.

1. Revise until there is no "anyway".

The single most common reason that reasonably good manuscripts get turned down (at least, as far as INTERN has observed) is because a writer had an exciting idea, wrote a kinda promising book with a lot of flaws, tried to fix the flaws, gave up, and submitted it anyway.

Never submit it anyway.

"Anyway" is an otherwise promising manuscript's worst enemy. And a manuscript that has been tinkered with until its eyeballs bleed and then submitted anyway screams like a mandrake when pulled out of its envelope. Would you try to fix your car's brakes, get frustrated, and drive it anyway? No? Point made!

Last night, INTERN was chatting with a writer-friend about all things bookish, and they got to talking about agents. How the internet is stuffed with advice about snagging one (always snagging!) but goes curiously silent after the proverbial wedding day, like so many fairy tales. Just like the (presumably awkward) deflowering scene that happens off-stage in those fairytales, there's something the internet doesn't tell you about agents: Having An Agent Is Weird.

Why is having an agent the most awkward thing ever if you've never done it before?

It's a bit like dating your first boy/girlfriend.

If you are the least bit neurotic, you will constantly ask yourself "Do we talk enough? Am I too needy? Too distant? Amy and Brad call each other, like, every hour. Should I fly to NYC to visit him?"

You are the least bit self-doubty, you will wonder, "Does she/he really like me? Does he regret going out with me? Is he just waiting for the right moment to dump me? Is sh…