So, 2016. New year, old song. Actually, songs. The Girl Is Mine isn’t just one old song overhauled, it’s two – Destiny’s Child’s Girl and Brandy and Monica’s The Boy Is Mine. Should it work as well as it does? Probably not, but I see no downside to starting the year with something good. In case you’re wondering which you probably aren’t, Monica isn’t credited because she’s not on the song – Brandy re-recorded new vocals especially for this single. Next up, Stitches, and the guitar playing really gets on my nerves – it’s so bloody SQUEAKY. That noise really does my head in, it sounds to me like the guitarist hasn’t quite learned how to play his instrument properly. Anyway, the song’s not too special and the video’s just weird – he gets seven different shades beaten out of him by a poltergeist as he tries to stroll nonchalantly through a car park singing his song. I’m sure we’ve all done that at some point. Still got to Number One though, so what the hell do I know about anything?

The following week arrives, and there are no new songs in the Top Ten. There damn well should have been, though – this was the week that David Bowie died (or, as was also suggested, returned home). As a result, music buyers did what they always do when a famous singer departs the land of the living, and headed for the shops. All the usual suspects re-entered the chart (Let’s Dance, Space Oddity, Under Pressure), some entered the chart for the first time ever (Blackstar, Lazarus and, incredibly, Changes! I know!) and then there’s Heroes. The bloody clueless X-Factor version got to Number One, but until now Bowie’s original had only got as high as 24. This time, it had a bit more wind in its sails, but it still couldn’t quite get on the list and had to settle for twelfth place. One day, it will get there but for now, cheerio David Bowie. We won’t see your like again.

Right then, back to the list. So the non-event that is Light It Up reaches the Top Ten and Heroes doesn’t? Where’s the justice, I ask you? Light It Up sounds like somebody was playing retro arcade games while somebody else was trying to work out what some of the functions on their new drum machine did. All My Friends has a much better sense of its own identity and I don’t mind it at all, not least because the chorus subverts the happy-clappy title by featuring the lines “All my friends are wasted and I hate this club and I drink too much”. Even the guest star (Chance the Rapper, no relation to Parappa) fits in neatly. Good work, all. Next on the list… wait, what? That’s it? Four songs for the whole of January? Seriously? That’s PITIFUL! It’s actually the smallest intake ever for January, matching the intake for the opening month of 1957. Yes, I’m sad enough to know that. I had to listen to all these songs, so I may as well put all that recently-acquired useless knowledge to some use. I wonder if this is an omen for the rest of the year – if it is, I won’t have to do a lot of work. I like the sound of that.