Category

Losing Yourself

It hurt to see you crying. It hurt because I didn’t know what was going on. I hate that I had no idea how you had been feeling lately. I didn’t know what to say… so I just listened and I tried to understand what even you didn’t really understand. Tears rolling down your face, I wanted to make you feel better. I wish I could do something to help, but I know all I can really do is say I’m here for you and that I care and that you’re not alone. I saw you all the time. I should’ve known something was wrong… I don’t want you feeling alone or depressed. And I know it’s not something you can just turn off and be okay again. I know it’s going to take time and that it may be hard to get those words through to you, that people care and want you to be okay.

The tragedy of living is when people that once were as soft as water become they coldest people because they have been shown coldness, anger, pain, betrayal, and heartbreak. They weren’t shown love or affection. Some grown up with no support and have to learn to grow up independently, not relying on anyone. Some people are scared they will get hurt over and over if they let someone in, so they simply stay as far away as possible and shut people out, to prevent themselves from breaking into even smaller pieces. They become the person that they hated for hurting them or never even being there in the first place, and they hate it… but that’s the tragedy of living.

Rupi Kapur once said, “neither of us is happy but neither of us wants to leave so we keep breaking one another and calling it love.”

Have you ever been with someone, but it hasn’t always been easy? Have you ever been with someone and gotten in little fights, and one of you said you’re done, even when you know you’re not done? You can’t live without the person because you’ve become so used to them being there all the time. You know every little thing about them, and they know every single thing about you. You don’t want to have to pretend like you don’t know each other, so you stay. You don’t want to let go of the company and the memories, but you’re not as happy as you used to be anymore. You hold on, but why? You are scared to let go and have to start all over, having to learn to love someone new. So what you do is, you call it love and stay with the one you are used to, because at least you know that at some point they did and might still love you, since they chose to stay and deal with everything together, instead of leaving you to be unhappy alone.

I was in denial at the time. I wasn’t sure of what I really wanted or what I had gotten myself into. I knew I liked being around you, but I didn’t know what that meant, I didn’t know what we were, and if we were anything at all. We’d always be together, talk on the phone late at night, and just go for drives or lay in bed when we had nothing better to do. I didn’t care what we did or where we were, as long as I was by your side. Things got hard at times, we argued, didn’t talk for a couple days, but then we went right back to each other because we didn’t know what else to do. We had gotten so used to being around each other, that we felt lost if we weren’t together. I always thought everything would be fine and that we would always work things out, but I guess I took you for granted. I took for granted thinking we both cared enough to keep trying after each little fight. It became too much for you. So we distanced ourselves. The hardest thing I ever had to do was give you space, because I knew that if I did, you’d go find better people to surround yourself with and then forget me. And sadly, you did.

You were the best thing that happened to me. And you’ll probably always be. But you were also the worst thing that happened to me, because I lost you. I knew that what I felt was something so strong, something I had never felt before. It was all so unexpected. I tried to hide my feelings, afraid of getting hurt, but I couldn’t hide how happy I was with you. And that’s how I lost you. I was so happy, so “in love”, but I didn’t really realize it all until you left, until you stopped trying. I should’ve said something at the time, but I always held back because I knew there was always someone else you had feelings for. But couldn’t you feel what we had? There was something there… something so different, yet so special. I knew you better than you knew yourself, better than I knew my own self. It’s crazy how much I cared about you. I would’ve done anything for you… I would do anything for you. And that’s the problem. I’m still here saying I would do anything for you even after you treated me like I didn’t ever mean anything to you, when you know that I did. That’s how much I loved you, no matter what happened between us I was always there.

Now, I think about who holds your hand, who is there for you when you’re sick or sad, who is making you happy, who is kissing you… and it hurts. It hurts because I never thought anything could tear us apart. We tore each other apart. I tell myself maybe it was for the best because we were so toxic. How could we be so toxic when we cared about each other? I get that we were overprotective and at times jealous, but I didn’t think it’d get to this point. We couldn’t even trust each other. I said I’d never replace you, and I’m still here keeping that promise. But why should I when you’re off with someone else? I guess I’m still waiting, hoping you’d change your mind and realize how much we meant to each other.

I miss you… a lot. I miss the feeling I had when I was with you. But time passed and we just weren’t who we used to be. We weren’t happy anymore. And I’ve always told you, I just want you to be happy, and now you are. I lost my chance, I could’ve tried harder, but too much had happened for us to ever go back to being “us.” I still love you. And you know what they say, “If you love someone, let them go.” I need to let go and move on because if I don’t, I’ll just keep hurting thinking about the past. Just because I’m letting go doesn’t mean I want to, but I have to. I’m slowly moving on, it isn’t easy even after three years. And that’s how I know it was real. What I felt was real. But someone once told me that in order to move on, I have to focus on living in the moment, and the little things that make me happy. You’re in my past, you made me happy, and yes sometimes I wonder if you could still make me happy, but you’re not here anymore. I can’t keep going back to you every time you pop right back into my life and need something. I said I’d always be there for you, but it hurts to be there for you, knowing you don’t really care. And as much as I’d want to be there and be with you, there’s been too much time apart to ever be able to go back to the way we used to be. We’ve changed. Too much time has passed by. But no time will ever be able to change the way I’ll always feel about you even if I can’t be with you.

I’m broken. I can’t seem to put myself back together. Sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. It feels as if I were to be so deep under water, not being able to hold in my breathe any longer; like so much pressure is built up inside of me ready to explode. I don’t know why I feel this way but I do. I feel stuck… I feel locked up. I feel broken.

I know I shouldn’t feel this way and that I should be positive. But sometimes it’s hard to be positive when there’s so much going on inside of my head.

My hands are cold as I’m trying to type. But… my heart is cold too. I can’t feel anything. I can’t feel my emotions anymore. There’s a void in me but I can’t figure it out. I’m stuck, I’m cold. I act like everything is okay, but something’s wrong. I used to feel, in fact feel too much. I used to hold in my feelings and let them out at night wanting my feelings to stop. I used to fight so hard to keep people in my life and make sure everyone I cared about was happy. I used to put everyone else before me. But now when I think about things, or people that have hurt me or pushed me away. I think about how much things have changed… how much I’ve changed. I’m not the same person that I used to be three years ago, letting people control me and control how I feel. I don’t feel. I don’t feel that pain anymore, but now I wish I did. I used to want the pain to just go away and for me to be happy. But now I don’t feel anything at all. I’m not happy, but I’m also not depressed. I’m just another body in this world trying to figure out what to do with my life. I know people around me care about me, but it’s so hard to show how I feel back to them. I know when to act a certain way towards people and certain situations. Like if someone hurt me, I would act upset or sad, but truth is… I wouldn’t even care anymore if someone hurt me, because I’ve already been hurt. What more damage could someone do to me? I know when to be happy and laugh when I’m surrounded by my friends, but in the back of my mind I know I’m just another person just taking up space in the car when we are on our way somewhere. I don’t feel like I’m really even there in the moment. I just don’t feel. I know I love the people in my life, but I think I say that just because I know I’m supposed to say it and feel it. I know it’s not fair for people trying to be in my life and I just push away or let them in and then mess it up because I tell myself I’m scared of feeling hurt. But how could I even get hurt if I don’t let anyone else even make me happy first? The only way to get hurt is to be able to feel something in the first place. I don’t know what’s wrong. I guess I just closed the door to me feeling anything for anyone that tries to get close to me because of negative situations from my past. I try to make them go away, but I can’t. When I think of the past, I remember feeling so scared, so hurt, so angry. I felt like I couldn’t trust anyone. But now when I think of the past or someone gets brought up from it, I don’t feel like hiding away and crying, I don’t feel the need to need them in my life. In a way I wish I did. But I know I was hurt and so I just know to tell myself not to put myself in a situation like past ones. I’m open about the past, maybe too open now, sometimes hoping that if I talk about it or make myself look at pictures from when I was happy, maybe just maybe, I’ll feel something once again. But I still feel cold, cold as ever. I just need someone to get through to me, to save me from whatever this is, to make me feel again, and maybe that will change me back into who I used to be…

I know how it feels. To like someone, but even more to like someone who likes someone else. You can’t do much about it if they don’t feel the same. Your heart feels broken and then you start thinking to yourself, “why am I not good enough? what do I have to do to be noticed? why can’t they just like me back?” You end up just standing around, waiting. You act like friends, but deep down inside you wish that person knew how you felt. But you don’t want to say anything because you care about them so much and just want them to be happy. You don’t want to be a second choice, you don’t want to make things awkward, you don’t want to be turned down, you don’t want to hear the truth from that person even though you already know, and you don’t want to mess anything up between each other. But don’t you ever think about what could happen if you told that special someone how you felt about them, whether or not there is someone else involved? Do you ever think about how different your life could change by saying three simple but meaningful words, eight letters… “I like you,” maybe even “I love you?” People miss out on their chance and regret it after it’s too late to do anything about it, because people change and feelings fade. That’s just how life is. But sometimes you should take a risk, because why wait? You might end up waiting forever. It’s hard to hide your feelings about someone who makes you feel so many different ways and them not even knowing. Time doesn’t stop, so take a chance, take a risk, and let yourself feel the good, the bad, everything.

“I miss who I was a year ago.” Things change. People change. You may miss it but you may not always be able to go back. We are made to change as life keeps going. We are meant to keep learning as we grow. Learning from experience, learning from mistakes, learning from others who may know better. You may be nostalgic about the past and it’s okay, but the past is in the past. As much as we may want to be who we used to be, it won’t be the same because we’ll be surrounded by different people in different stages of our lives, who will make us realize new things about ourselves. It’s okay to miss our old self and the memories and people that come along with it, but that doesn’t mean we need to be that person again. Change is supposed to happen in life. Change is good.

last night i told you i missed you… out of the blue and unexpected. i apologized for missing you and you said, “don’t be sorry.” last night i told you i hated myself for fucking everything up between us and you said, “don’t hate yourself.” you said “it’s fine just get some rest…” but we both know nothing is fine. you always say that when you don’t want to talk, and i know that because even if we haven’t talked in a while, sometimes i still know you better than you know yourself. last night i told you i loved you. i love you. it’s so hard to explain the way i feel. but i know i love you and need you. with you i felt a type of way i had never felt before. but when i said i loved you, you said nothing. i expected it, i saw it coming. no response like usual when it comes to “emotional” situations like that. i guess i had to try right? i love you, and i guess i just wonder if you still love me, even if you can’t say it or show it anymore. i wonder if the words i say, mean anything to you.