Chattanooga event halls, which currently do not require licenses like nightclubs or bars, have received intense scrutiny lately due to numerous police calls and late-night, after-hours violence, including several shootings and two fatalities, but at a press conference, Mayor Andy Berke announced a relatively simple solution to a troubling issue that has plagued the city this summer.

“This violence must end immediately, and the event hall problem needs an answer that is both effective and practical,” said Berke. “I have come up with a solution that will work, without any additional cost to taxpayers: after-party at my crib, y’all.”

“That’s right, I am opening up my sweet-ass party pad and baller mansion to the public,” said Berke, who was met with thunderous applause.

Berke’s safe and secure after-hours party mansion features 8,000 square feet of space, a lagoon-style salt-water swimming pool with two spas, and numerous specialty rooms, including a hookah room, a jungle room with exotic animals including two Komodo dragons, and a screening room that shows on a continuous loop the film Boogie Nights, which is reportedly Berke’s favorite movie.

However, the centerpiece of Berke’s celebration station is a spacious dance floor which features four American Apparel models who serve as go-go dancers, Berke’s resident DJ Zizzurp, who is also the soundman for Major Lazer, and a female Hungarian acrobat/contortionist who performs suspended from the ceiling.

“You may have heard stories about my legendary parties, and now you’ll see for yourself,” said Berke. “Welcome to Cirque du Berke!”

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Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.

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