Lesbian, Feminist & Comedy Writer

How to be a Self-Loathing Labour Voter

It’s not always easy being a Labour voter in England, it’s a lot like supporting the country’s football team, you want to wish them well but you know that they’re just a bunch of flaming idiots who don’t know what they’re doing. Oh look a football joke, how pleasing.

RIFF RAFF

On one hand you have the rich, posh, stuck-up Tories in their big houses with huge 4x4s in their driveways; and on the other hand you have the poor family with four kids under three, living in a tiny flat with hardly any money for food.

Obviously, you completely support the poor people’s plight and will fight for their rights until the death… But Christ alive, you wouldn’t want to live around them, would ya? You want to live near the douche bags with the personalised number plates and triple glazed windows.

Up the unions! And up the workers! But from afar…

COMMUNISM VS CAPITALISM

Death to the bourgeois! Everyone should have everything the same and be given the same and basically be the same. BUT, things are nice aren’t they? This lovely laptop that I’m typing on is lovely, the iPad that I’m going to watch the tennis on later is lovely, and the PS4 in my lounge is, well it’s rather boring actually, but my girlfriend thinks it’s lovely, so it’s lovely.

Someone working 8 hours a day in an office, getting free cupcakes on a Friday and unlimited soft drinks should not be paid more than a cleaner who only gets judgemental looks and a choc ice on a hot day.

I mean just look at this advert below (if your settings allow you to see adverts) you definitely shouldn’t click on it, because that would be giving me money and supporting capitalism, and capitalism is evil and lovely. Don’t click the advert fellow Bolsheviks! Actually, if you could click the advert, I’d rather like to be paid for this writing business one day…

BENEFITS OF VOTING LABOUR?

If I only want to live around Tories then why do I vote Labour I hear you cry! (If you could keep the crying to a minimum when you’re reading my blog, that would be great). Just because you don’t want to be stabbed in Croydon, or mugged in Liverpool or whatever it is they do up North, it doesn’t mean that you should vote Tory.

There are lots of benefits to voting Labour including; having a wonderful feeling of moral righteousness and getting to put the Vote Labour poster outside your house without fear of getting a brick through the window. If you put a Vote Conservative sign outside your house then the scummy Labour voters are liking to do something to you, even if it’s just kicking your garden gnome in the head.

OOOOO JEREMY COOOORBYN

At the time of me writing this our glorious leader is Jeremy Corbyn, a unionist, socialist and inspiring sexy old man. (That’s obviously a joke, I of course do not find him inspiring). Where are the young Tony Blairs of the world and why aren’t they in charge? Tony Blair did what? Oh, well that explains it.

I hate to admit it, but the Tories do produce better leaders. I don’t know whether it’s the privilege or bigotry that makes them so powerful and inspirational; but based on personality alone, I’d rather Ruth Davidson or David Cameron lead us into battle. What battle? Fuck knows, but I wouldn’t want Corbyn or the Scottish Leader Richard Leonard turning up on a Shetland pony coming to save the day with their foam swords. They’re just a bit too nice and nice people don’t fuck shit up.