“Why didn’t you design something like this for meeeeeee” is probably what Kanye West is going to whine into Riccardo Tisci’s ear tonight, because Riccardo Tisci designed this ass-less extravaganza for Madonna.

Anna Wintour would have had to throw another Met Gala tomorrow if Madge didn’t show up with her 57-year-old nalgitas and tits hanging out. Because it isn’t a Mess Gala until everyone’s eyes have eaten several servings of her butt dumplings. Madge’s ensemble was apparently made by Givenchy but it looks more like something from the Stevie Nicks collection for Frederick’s of Hollywood or a costume from a Games of Thrones porn parody. Never mind that fillers have warped Madge’s face into “Harpo, who dis woman?” territory, what really bothers me about her ensemble is that it doesn’t go with the damn theme. The theme is supposed to be technology and future, not medieval ho-wear or Illuminati sex dungeon mistress! Madge disappointed me by not showing up in nothing but a fiber optic thong and holographic nipple cozies.

And well, if Rocco Ritchie or any of Madge’s kids ever want to get some free crack, it’ll be pretty easy. All they have to do is go up to a dealer and say, “Can I get some crack?” When the dealer says, “Kid, you’re way too young for the bad shit,” they just have to show these pictures and say, “My mom wore this wreck to the Met Gala.” BOOM! The dealer will hand over their entire supply and it’ll be on the house.

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