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Monday, 7 January 2013

New Year's Resolution

Yes, I’m actually going to make some this year. I
normally don’t bother because, well, why make promises you know you won’t keep
so you can break them later and feel bad about it? What is this, emergency
guilt reserves? “Hey, I don’t think I’m going to feel guilty enough in, about,
mid-February, so I’m going make some promises I’ll break and ensure a bumper
crop of guilty and feeling like a failure!”

Besides, when I make ritual decisions to set my life on a
new path, I do that at Imbolc.

But this year I’m making some resolutions to CONTINUE.
This fits my definition of Yule, celebrating life and self as it is in a
defiant fire against the dark. That sounds like a cop-out, but these are things
I need to continue that I know I will stumble on – because I already am doing.

So, I Resolve:

To keep healing. I’ve made immense progress in putting my
shattered mind back together this year, I want to keep going, no stopping,
hiding or running.

To keep the upper lip wobbly. No stiff-upper-lip enduring
situations that are hurting my healing. No enduring what I can’t endure, no
tolerating what I shouldn’t tolerate. I will ask for help when needed, not hope
someone notices I’m drowning and throws a life line. I will remove myself from
situations and places

To not use booze as a not!coping mechanism.

To wear my hair more as I want it in non professional
settings. And stop playing they “should I cut it?” game.

To remind Beloved of his many many flaws. At length. It’s
good for him.

To not feel ashamed for withholding trust, friendship or
my company. I have no problem being suspicious, but I view it as a character
flaw, which I need to work on

To stop doing things and going places I know are going to
annoy me, it’s like a scab I can’t stop picking, it’s silly and ridiculous.

To not use my hermit tendencies and lack of trust as an
excuse to avoid people I do trust and to hunker down and hide. In fact, I resolve to go out more. No, really.

To remind Beloved of his many many flaws. At length. It’s
good for him.

To remember that the family tree has thorns as well as flowers - and it needs to be less spikey before I climb it

To not argue with someone who isn’t listening, to not
repeat what I’ve already said (they ignored me the first time, what makes me
think they’ll listen the second time?)

To have fun and not feel guilty for it – nor feel I need
to be “productive.”

To scream at my damn ISP on a regular basis. In fact, let’s
widen that so it sounds wiser: to stop ignoring things and hoping they will
improve. Including the ISP. Which is still shit.

To stop trying to multitask.

To remind Beloved of his many many flaws. At length. It’s
good for him.

To avoid ALL online games, all gaming Apps, all MMOs, all
browser games until I show I can handle them reasonably without becoming
ludicrously hooked on them to the point when I’m playing without even enjoying
them.

To not have huge long absences on the blogs, twitter, or
elsewhere.

To answer the damn emails, damn it. And no-one believes the whole “oh I didn’t
get that email, that’s why I didn’t respond” excuse!

Did I mention reminding Beloved of his flaws? Because I
really need to do that.