President Obama Signs Final Executive Orders for Black America

Last month I did a guest editorial spot during the run of 1812 Productions‘ political comedy show, This Is The Week That Is. I was very excited to break news about President Obama’s final Executive Orders. And I’m equally as delighted to share them with you today!

In case you don’t know, I’m the local chapter president of National Black Friends of America. We are the organization that represents your black friend.

And maybe you have more than one—that’s great; we love overachievers—but statistically…

One of our most popular services is our hotline. You can call any time day or night for references. So, if someone accuses you of being a racist, just give us a call and we can get on the line and say “No. He has a black friend.” That usually settles it.

But I’m not here to talk about us; I’m here to talk about America’s black friend—President Barack Obama.

As you’re aware, America’s black friend is leaving his job in one month. We’re very sad about that. And I think we all know that even though President Obama is great and we love being around him, America’s main interaction with him has been through work. And now that he’s leaving the company, it’s going to be harder to hang out. We want to make plans and we’ll probably grab a beer at Applebee’s once or twice, but you know, everyone is so busy these days.

Anyway, before he leaves, President Obama has been making tons of last-minute pardons, endorsements and executive orders. Just yesterday he pardoned more people in a single day than any president ever.

But it’s his executive orders that are of particular interest to us, the National Black Friends of America. The president, as a parting gift to post-racial America, has made a list of decrees for things that Black people can now do (or now no longer have to do). Here are our ten favorites:

1. If you’re black, you don’t have to wait in line at the deli anymore. Just walk right up to the front. You can take a number if you want to but then just crumple it up and throw it on the floor.

2.The president is really concerned about all this Russian hacking business. The DNC can’t order lunch from GrubHub without it getting leaked. To prevent any further internet impropriety, all American correspondence will now have to go over the only server we trust–the one from the dating site BlackPlanet. If you’re trying to reach me, you can e-mail MochaChocolata@BlackPlanet.com

3. Speaking of Social Media, after these new executive orders, Black Twitter is now the only Twitter. Now you may say to yourself “Isn’t Black Twitter a part of Twitter? Is it a separate entity now? How do I find Black Twitter?” I’m not going to tell you.

4. Free hoagies at Jimmy John’s on Wednesdays! Very exciting.

5. Obama also made some changes to the criminal justice system. For instance, all trials will now exclusively have all-black juries. We’re just going to see how it goes. Don’t be nervous.

6. It’s also illegal, now, to perform routine traffic stops on black people. You can’t stop us anymore. It’s going to be like Mario Kart out there. Don’t worry; we’re very good drivers. It’s fine. The historically black driver’s ed schools are some of the best in the country. But, yeah, you can’t stop a black person in a car. We know our taillight is out. We know.

7. Michelle Obama is going on Mount Rushmore. But we’re moving Mount Rushmore to Miami because it’s just easier to get to.

8. Everything is church now. Tambourines. Ushers in orthopedic shoes. People doing cartwheels of praise down the aisle. Offering baskets. Everything. Church can happen anywhere at any time. Church is about to happen here. Venmo me your offering please. Hallelujah.

9. Oh! This is a new order that just went into effect last month at the Country Music Awards. Starting now, Beyonce can perform any kind of music she wants, at any time, anywhere. Coming in 2017: Beyonce does Klezmer. You’ll love it!

Me in the shower every morning, tbh.

And lastly:

10. Beginning next year, we can’t use the n-word anymore either.

We’re very excited to be living in these post-post-racial times. Until then, as we now say in America, as allah malakim. And may Black Jesus bless us all!

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Published by R. Eric Thomas

R. Eric Thomas is a Barrymore Award-winning playwright and stand-up dramedian. He has been called “one of the most talented storytellers in Philly” by the Philadelphia Weekly. He is the long-running host of The Moth in Philadelphia. He writes a regular humor column for Elle.com in which he “reads” the news and frequently lectures on intersectional comedy and using narrative structure.
View all posts by R. Eric Thomas