Attraction and dating information for the post-divorce crowd

Archive for the month “August, 2011”

Dating and relationships are so difficult. It’s so hard for the modern, sassy woman to find Mr. Perfect only to find herself in a relationship with Mr. Chump who is incapable of making her happy. I’ve got some solid advice here so if you’re single, find yourself a pint of your favorite ice cream, put your favorite cat on your lap and start reading. If you’re married or in a serious relationship, do the same but skip the cat. Any modern gal in a relationship should know about the dating game because being single is so fabulous! There’s no baffoonish man making your life complicated and you can shop ’til you drop without an annoying Y chromosome type looking over your credit card statement.

For any woman, whether single or not, the name of the game is you and your feminine fabulousness, no matter how you express it. Every woman is both a princess who deserves to be spoiled and a goddess who is wise, powerful, and all-knowing. Your needs, your desires, your whims deserve to be fulfilled. Your very happiness is at stake, after all. If you’re not 100% happy, there’s something outside you causing that and as a princess and goddesses, you have to change it. For most women, that unhappiness is not having a man in her life or having the wrong man in her life.

Now I have to break it down for the single girls. Here’s my advice: Prince Charming is right around the corner so don’t accept second best. How do you know he’s second best? He doesn’t make your heart soar and your libido swoon. It’s just that simple. As you meet men – I recommend online dating – be sure that the chemistry is immediate and powerful. If you don’t want to jump his bones instantly, ditch him fast because your va-jay-jay will never forgive you if you don’t. There’s a strong, good-looking, successful guy just for you and never, ever settle for anything else. Your soulmate is out there looking for you. You don’t have to change yourself in any way. He should adore you for all of you, even if your curves are especially curvy. There’s simply more of you to love. Embrace your personality quirks. If you cry or get angry easily and for no real reason, that’s who you are and it’s simply fabulous.

The easiest way for a strong and independent woman to find a man is to use online dating. It’s easy and can be free. Find your best photos. It really doesn’t matter if they are bit older, your more youthful body is a better reflection of your wonderful inner beauty. Write a really good profile. The best ones list out in detail what you deserve in a man. Be extremely specific. The great thing about online dating is that your in-box will be constantly filled with guys telling you how beautiful you are. This might take some time but a whole bunch of tasty snacks to feed your body will make you feel better while you read your many messages. The bad part about online dating is that many unsuitable men will be contacting you. They will be too short, too old, too ugly, too poor, too desperate. You might find an incredible guy online and so you should send him a message. Tell him what you deserve in a man and make him prove that he’s up to the task of making you 100% happy.

If any incredibly lucky guy scores a date with you, take the opportunity to assess him carefully. You must be on the lookout for reasons to dump him and quickly. There is no frivolous reason to ditch a man. It’s all about you, remember? You are the lead actress, director, and producer in the movie that is your life. You’re looking for the best supporting actor you can find to join you in your Oscar-winning movie. Don’t be afraid to walk out on a date. You might run into Mr. Perfect on the sidewalk. Just so you know, your date pays for everything and should have brought a nice gift for you. If he didn’t do those things, you have to cut and run. Right after dinner, of course. A smart woman never turns down a free meal. Surf and turf tastes so much better when it doesn’t dent your shoe budget.

If you find that magical, instant chemistry with a guy, test him a little. He has to constantly prove himself as a quality suitor. Also, keep him on his toes by breaking dates at the last minute and generally being a little evasive. Princesses and goddesses are in short supply. If he tires of the testing, just go back online and find a new potential paramour. They’re waiting for you. As for sex? If you want to have some nookie time, even on a first date, go for it! We live in the age where it simply doesn’t matter how or how often a woman expresses her sexuality. You go, you sexy grrl!

For you attached ladies, you really need to evaluate the current state of your relationship. As a princess and goddess, you deserve complete happiness. Oh, and being only somewhat happy doesn’t count. If that man in your life isn’t making you 100% happy, seriously consider trading him in for a better model. He’s probably already thinking about doing the same thing, typical in men who can’t handle a goddess like you. A break up or divorce is short-term pain in exchange for long-term gain. Imagine yourself as the free woman, untied from a man who is likely holding you back. You are free to pursue your passions, to travel the world, to lead a fulfilling life. You’ll also be free to find a man who adores you, even if you’re a single mom and no longer quite the 20-something girl from a few, ahem, years ago.

So, are all you incredible girls ready to take on the world and find your happiness? Ready… Set… GO!

UPDATE: I don’t think some people understand this post is 100% pure satire. It’s meant to point out the awful dating and relationship advice usually given to women

Dalrock has recently clued me into to the Match.com online magazine, “happen“. There’s even a clever tagline: because love doesn’t come with instructions. The good folks at Match.com produce articles on dating and relationships. It’s conventional wisdom, blue pill stuff. It should also be noted that most of the writers and editorial staff are women or gay men and that the articles are aimed at a female readership.

These articles are written by dating and relationship “experts”. One article, “Overcoming the jinx: How to stop attracting losers” is quite typical of the articles in Match.com’s. Here is the link but perhaps membership is required to view it. I won’t republish the whole piece so as not to violate intellectual property laws.

Like most of the articles in Happen, this one presented seemingly reasonable advice for women to avoid losers. Of course, through the Manosphere lens, “loser” in this context is a code word for Alpha BadBoy.

Overall, this particular article is standard pabulum for the perpetually single woman. There isn’t much new from a blue pill perspective. From a Red Pill perspective, this article – and many on “happens” – are quite destructive to dating and potential relationships. To wit:

…you are a woman who deserves a genuine connection with an all-grown-up partner who treats you great.

There is that awful word “deserve”. That word represents a constant drenching of women with bad advice. I’ve covered it before. Want more? Let’s go…

Crank up your standards and set your sights on landing your dream match; someone who inspires you, brings out the best in you, and makes you feel like the smart, funny, and beautiful woman that you truly are.

Nowhere in the article does the author recommend that a woman honestly assess what she brings to the table in the context of dating and relationships. This is the litmus test of valid dating and relationship advice. If the advice-giver is not recommending that a woman honestly reflect on her own value in the sexual marketplace (SMP) or the marriage marketplace (MMP), it’s shitty advice.

Of course, Match.com is a capitalistic endeavor and makes its money from singles. It’s good for business if everyone is single and looking to date and/or form healthy relationships. This is why Match.com dispenses bad advice. All paid online dating websites have an incentive to dispense bad advice because it’s fundamentally good for the bottom line. My prediction is that Match.com and their ilk will soon start seriously pushing the divorce fantasy.

When I return from work I always walk the dog. Normally I avoid other dogs and the humans attached to them. This is because my dog, Lucy, can sometimes be unpredictable around other dogs. She once bit another dog very badly and I am extremely careful because of this. There are exceptions to my caution, however.

Here in the village, there are some single women with dogs and I have seen two or three of them. I’ve learned something a bit unique about dog people when they are out and about with their animals. The humans tend not to introduce themselves, they introduce the dogs. I’m known as “Lucy’s dad”. I know Lenny’s mom and Yogi’s mom, two quite attractive women, but I don’t know their names.

This past Friday I was taking Lucy on my usual after work walk. At the small park, I spied two small, fluffy white dogs about 75 feet away. They were attached via leash to two women who were obviously talking. Dog talk, of course.

One of the women was wearing an actual dress. Despite Lucy’s occasional difficult with other dogs, I walked towards them while keeping my dog’s leash tight. Walking a dog and approaching people who are also walking dogs is incredibly easy.

Lucy did surprisingly well with the two fluffy white shih tzus. There was no snapping or growling on her part. As for the two women? One was definitely older, at least 65 years old but quite friendly and pleasant. The other woman – the one wearing the colorful and attractive orange sundress – was likely in her 40s with a nice face and a slender body. We all chatted about dogs, of course. I was looking for indicators of interest from the woman in the sundress. If there were at this point, they were too subtle to pick up on.

As I was taking Lucy on a walk with purpose of emptying her of waste materials, I had to move away because she was too distracted by the other two dogs. I walked about 50 feet away and sure enough, Lucy produced. Given that the two women were still chatting, I walked back with my dog to rejoin the conversation, this time, with a purpose. The casual conversation would now have an agenda.

As the dog-oriented subjects were winding down, the three of us started talking about the benefits of living in the village. I let it known that I had a decent, full-time job in a professional environment (ok, it’s a long term contract, close enough). Guys my age in the village with full-time, white-collar jobs are few and far between. Most are “doing deals” or working food and beverage.

I also let it be known that I was single. I was qualifying myself. The woman in the sundress flat out asked what I did for a living. She really brightened up when I told her “writer”. I used a little self-deprecation when I added the caveat that I was a technical writer. Tech writers can make a good living, after all. During the course of conversation, I had a cigarette.

Suddenly, as in very suddenly, sundress woman stuck out her hand. “I’m Janet.” I shook her hand nicely. “I’m Private Man.” Dog people rarely, if ever, actually introduce themselves. The Game is on.

The older woman introduced herself as Jody. We then started talking more about ourselves. We’re all neighbors, Jody living in a nice townhome and Janet living just about across the street from me.

OK, with a bit of Game in play and my prequalifications delivered in this “casual” conversation, it was time to listen, watch, and learn from Janet. She was tanned, almost too much so (beach-oriented lifestyle) and was wearing a bit of makeup to go with her orange sundress. 7 face, likely 8 body but hard to tell with the dress. Not exactly chesty but her overall figure looked promising.

Jody excused herself and Janet and I walked South, a direction that would take us to both our places. I asked her what she did and sure enough, she’s a writer, published and everything (a murder mystery). The book didn’t do too well and so she was doing some other things to make ends meet, legitimate stuff, not like this woman. In the course of this “idle chat” she gave out some very important indicators of interest.

Janet bummed a cigarette from me. An important sign? Yup, smokers tend to stick together. When she bummed a smoke from me it was her way of saying that we’re compatible regarding that bad habit.

She mentioned that she has only recently moved to the village, just two weeks previous. This was an indicator of interest because it would give me a great excuse for me to show her around more. I knew this and she knew this. The ball is my court regarding that.

The second indicator of interest was this statement from her: “We just moved here, I mean me and my dog.” Please, that’s so obvious it hurts. If any of you male readers didn’t get that indicator of interest I’m going to personally visit you and beat you over the head with a blunt object. Shit, even Johnny Milfquest could figure that one out and he’s a tosser.

It was actually less than ten minutes as we walked (very slowly) and talked. I finally broke of the conversation by letting her know that I was going to walk into the village and meet up with some friends. She was smiling broadly when she stated “I really hope to see you in the village some time.” My response? “I insist that you do.”

Some take-away lessons from this encounter:

1. Approach. Seriously, just approach. Yeah, I have it easy because of the dog.

2. Don’t hang around too long. I left for a bit but then returned. It’s sort of a variation of the change of venue. I also broke off the conversation with Janet by giving the message that I had active social life but would still enjoy running into her again.

3. Look for indicators of interest! They could be body language or verbal. When Janet introduced herself to me, that was quite significant.

Of course, this leads to a dilemma on which I will post about soon – the perils of propinquity.

Self-esteem in American girls and women is at a crisis point. It’s so bad that our culture now has a generation of girls and women who are incapable of forming or coping with healthy relationships with the opposite sex. This is evidenced by the “hook up” culture amongst the late teen and early 20s cohort, “combat dating”, a decreasing marriage rate, and a stubbornly high divorce rate. Our society must address the female self-esteem if there is to be any hope for future healthy relationships and intact families.

Simply put, contemporary female self-esteem is far too high. Girls and women think too highly of themselves. Whether a teen-aged princess or a middle-aged goddess, females value themselves far in excess of the social/sexual cultural realities as well as the evolutionary psychology realities.

Excess female self-esteem became a crisis when “you can be anything you want” turned into “you deserve anything you want”. That’s not a subtle shift. It’s a shocking leap into a huge pit of selfishness and egocentrism. Women and girls are now parading about expecting life to cater to their needs, no matter how outrageous they might be. It all centers around one very cancerous and emotionally fatal word, “deserve”. That word crops up almost every time a female expresses her preferences, whether it’s a man, a career, an emotion, or some material object.

A viciously unhealthy corollary to the “I deserve” phenomenon is a flat out refusal to accept, or even analyze, the negative consequences to a female’s decisions and actions. If a girl or woman faces negative consequences because of something she did on her own volition and with her own agency, there is too often blame foisted on something else, usually the nearest man. Then comes the call on government to fix the issue because of the ridiculously illogical argument that the personal is the political.

Furthering the crisis still more, any attempt to rein in a female’s self-esteem or broach the idea of consequences is met with howls of negativity in both the public and private spheres. “You’re trying to control me!” “A man can’t tell a woman what to do!” It should be noted that a female’s rationalization hamster feeds best on the word “deserve”.

While men are also taught that they can be anything they want, the word “deserve” never seems to come up. Rather, the ideas of hard work, sacrifice, self-control, and responsibility are taught to men. Men know that no one deserves much of anything unless those ideas just mentioned are put into play.

There is no large-scale fix to this self-esteem crisis. Men can only respond with their own strategies and tactics to deal with the situation. Is it any wonder why Game has been spreading around more and more? This is a specific tactic developed to counter excess female self-esteem. Men going their own way (MGTOW)? This is a full-blown life strategy to cope with a generation of females with massive egos and poor decision-making skills.

This might be the time to remind women that they don’t deserve much of anything. Sadly, I know that these words can do little in the face of a media, education, and government juggernaut that has effectively ruined women. Yeah, you go grrl.

The Hooking Up Smart blog and subsequent comments always yields wisdom in regards to the gender dynamic in the context of dating and relationships. To wit:

Just like women are supposed to look thin and pretty, men have to show status and good character.

In that simple quote, the commenter has nicely summarized the working social contract between the sexes. But that contract is seriously broken. Women are no longer expected to act in a feminine manner. I don’t really care who broke that contract (cough, feminism, cough) it’s the reality of the situation. With such a broken contract, we have Marriage 2.0 and Dating 2.0 (Sometimes called Darwin Dating or Combat Dating).

The worst part is that men are still expected to perform their responsibilities as defined by that broken social contract. Work hard, be a provider, sacrifice for women and family, blah, blah, blah… Most men still labor under the terms of the contract. Yet there are increasing numbers of men who understand that the contract is broken and these are the men turning to Game and Pick Up Artistry (PUA) and the Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) strategy. Others are simply going ghost and expatriating. These are the Red Pill men.

Looking at a bit of social history, there was an attempt to change the man’s side of the social contract. Back in the 70s and on into the the 90s, there was a lot of media blather regarding men becoming more sensitive. We had prominent men – Alan Alda and Phil Donohue, for example – extolling men to be more in touch with their feelings. Many women complained (and still do) that men need to find their softer sides. The logic behind such changing expectations made perverse sense. If women were liberated to be more masculine, men should be liberated to be more feminine.

We all know how well that went. “Where are all the real men?” the women shouted from the rooftops when they realized that a generation of girlie-men had been created. For a decade or more we had men trying to be touchy-feely new age sensitive guys. Even now, there are legions of men still trying (and often succeeding) to emasculate themselves in order uphold a social expectation in order to rewrite the man’s side of the social contract. The Good Men Project is a perfect example of this. The worst video ever is another great example.

It’s not going to work. The masculine attracts the feminine. The feminine attracts the masculine. Red Pill men know this. It’s biology. It can’t be washed over with social expectations. This is highly annoying to the blank-slaters who still cling to the notion that practically every gender-based behavior is a social construct.

In today’s times of Marriage 2.0 and Dating 2.0, we’re left with three groups of men responding to the broken social contract.

1. Red Pill men who know the contract is broken and have responded accordingly (PUA, MGTOW, etc.)

2. Blue Pill men who know the contract is broken and have responded by attempting to become more feminine (manginas) or who continue to pedastalize women (white knights)

3. All the others (the majority) who sense something is broken in the social contract but can’t quite figure out how to respond.

It’s the last group of men who are in need of some simple education. They need to be taken aside, away from women and Blue Bill men, and told some basic truths that everyone in the Manosphere knows.

I strongly believe that Red Pill men have a moral duty to spread the word and educate the men – especially the younger men – who haven’t quite figured out that the social contract is broken. Sure, there are blogs to read but face to face conversations work the best for men. Personally, I am still working on a class for men to teach them the realities of women versus the lies and misconceptions as told by social expectations. If I can ever figure out the marketing angle, it will be a funny, entertaining, and profoundly educational class.

Thanks to a comment regarding a post over at Hooking Up Smart (Player or Beta?), I came across the one of the funniest Reddit threads I have ever read. It’s here.

Expand all the comments. Put a plastic bag over your keyboard and then read the stories and comments.

While men might complain mightily that women are way too subtle with their signals, men are sometimes so utterly clueless that it’s comical. This goes doubly for young men.

Here’s a sample (and there are so many others, it took just a minute or two to find this example):

In high school, this chick I was sorta into was in my last class of the day, which happened to be biology. Anyhow, at the time I was 17, had a car, had a job, and I lived on my own in a small 1 bedroom apartment.

Anyhow, she approached me after class one day and asked if she could get a ride home with me. I said yes, of course, not being much bothered by it. As we left, she said “I’m bored, wanna swing by your place first?”, so we went to my place.

Long story short, we basically did not much of anything other than play some video games at my place. Once we got to her place, she invited me in, and we both sat and chatted on her bed for awhile. Then almost out of the blue (stronger hints apparently have no effect on me either), she said “I need to take a shower.” and just started stripping naked.

Not knowing what to do, and always being the gentleman, I said “well, I don’t want to disturb you, so I should probably be going. See you tomorrow in class.” and walked out the door. By this point I had already seen titties and vag (she stripped down pretty fast)…

I was so oblivious it makes me sad.

This is the generation of NiceGuys. Guys who’s mothers said “Be nice, be yourself”. This is the generation of men completely and utterly emasculated. This is the generation of men told that masculine sexuality is evil and must be so completely stifled as to create sexless eunuchs. It is the generation of men told that women have no sex drives and are pure and virtuous creatures…even though women practically threw themselves at young men.

I ride a motorcycle that has some serious engine braking going on. That has proven to be quite useful when I’m out on the vicious highways here in tropical paradise.

As I was once a serious beta orbiter chump, I have learned to throttle back to these behaviors should the situation require it to avoid excess emotional entanglements. If a woman is getting all hot and heavy but yet I don’t desire a long term relationship (LTR) with her, I throttle back to beta behaviors and her LTR ardor cools.

It’s all rather delicate. I do run the risk of losing the sexual element with the woman in question, at least short term. It’s a worthy risk.

But for the alpha (or aspiring) gentlemen who get it, try this line as a quick air-drop of water on a hamster about to catch fire:

“I’ll do anything you want this weekend.”

The rationalization hamster, doused with water, stops running in the wheel. If you’ve been the one who has lead the situation in regards to dating and coital endeavors, the phrase freezes them up and they get all wonky.

Rarely do I comment on current events because there is an army of pundits and bloggers for that. But the very recent rioting in England leads me to some interesting observations:

1. This is organized. Groups of young men are clearly communicating to coordinate their criminal efforts. I wonder at what level this is happening. Within a group, are certain roles defined? Defenders (from police), scouts, looters, communicators, fighters, etc. If that level of organization is occurring, this kind of urban unrest is going to get very effective and increasingly scary.

2. These are small groups (40-200) of young men who are committing these acts. With smaller groups and good communication, it’s possible to outwit and out run the police. Speed is the crucial element here.

3. This is the result of the economic abandonment of young men and they are very, very angry about it. If they can’t earn it, they’ll take it and will organize themselves in their quest for loot.

4. In an essentially gun-free society, small groups of fast-moving young men can really wreak havoc on public and private property.

5. In an essentially gun-free society, citizens and business owners cannot adequately defend their property or themselves and must rely on a police force that is not well equipped to cope with the fast moving groups. Rather, the police are equipped for large scale civil unrest. Tear gas, water cannons, body shields and the like are worthless against this type of civil unrest

6. The police have three primary options: A. Review camera footage quickly and make arrests before the sun sets. B. Increase their aggression and their own level of violence. C. Shut down certain wireless data services at key points where rioting is likely and before it happens.

7. A charismatic leader could emerge to organize these “surplus men” (hat tip to Johnny Milfquest for that term) into something truly revolutionary and very dangerous.

8. As civil unrest goes, the rioting in England is essentially medieval in nature. The weaponry is at the clubs, knives, and boiling oil (firebombs) level. Of course cell phones and cameras add a very high tech element to all of it.

As the United States is far more heavily armed, any civil unrest here will be shockingly deadly. Consider the New York City draft riots of 1863 then add automatic weapons, armor, and air strikes. Our civil unrest will be brief and stunningly bloody.

Men should know this: Before a woman is intimate (physically or emotionally) with a man she is actively looking for reasons to reject him.

Note the emphasis on actively.

She’s making a mental note of a man’s physical, emotional, intellectual, and other qualities in order to find a reason to reject him. Many of those reasons might seem quite ridiculous to men who haven’t taken the red pill.

What women fail to understand is that by actively looking for reasons to reject most often ends with finding a reason for rejection. Consider the OKCupid statistic that women find more than 80% of men unattractive and that’s based on merely a photo. From an evolutionary psychology point of few, this makes sense. Women must really seek the best DNA for their offspring and life was damned difficult for hunter gatherers. Weakness, physical or mental, usually lead to an early death.

Before the rise of agriculture, it’s very likely that the few men who fit the bill had their pick of the women. Even in our contemporary industrial civilization, women still look to the few men who meet all the requirements. Hypergamy has been unleashed so that women are free to mate with only the selected few men. What Red Pill men know is that mating has little to do with committing. Women conveniently forget this when doing the mating.

Here comes another dilemma that women face should the man have enough positive things about him that allow the woman to accept intimacy. Her first instinct (and it does seem to be instinctual, no?) is to try to “fix” the man. Whatever bad habits he might have are the target for “civilizing” through the woman’s influence – complaining, nagging, and withholding of sex. Woe be unto the man who is successfully repaired by the woman in his life. A successful fix results in her loss of respect for him.

Normally, a woman would screech “NAWALT!” (Not All women Are Like That) when faced with this type of discussion. And while she might not be like that, the vast majority of women are indeed like that, especially regarding the almost always negative evaluation of men. As a counter to this prevailing attitude, the dating coach business has developed. Given the merciless nature of capitalism, the approach of those dating coaches must be successful or there won’t be any further business. Any dating coach who advises clients to “be nice and be yourself” (for men) and “be strong and independent” (for women) will be out of business quite soon.

The good dating coach must carefully deflate a female client’s ego to get her to be more open to meeting different types of men and stop the generally negative evaluation of men. But such a deflation must be done with great care and with many empty words of praise for the client. A fat, entitled, bossy, and domineering woman over 45 years old must be a terrible challenge for a dating coach.

Online dating makes the situation worse. With so many profiles of men (all of them being generic) it becomes so easy for a woman to say “next, next, next” when perusing profiles. These two young women perfectly display the internal thoughts of most women looking at online dating websites. [update – the video is now private, sorry guys. It showed two not-so-attractive women “evaluating” profiles on Plenty of Fish. It was quite alarming in how they quickly went from profile to profile, heaping scorn and derision on what they were seeing on the computer monitor.]

What women should be doing instead of finding reasons for rejecting is finding reasons for accepting. Of course, that would put a lot of dating coaches out of business. Frankly, I like dating coaches and I wish all them success because dating coaches are dispensing a lot of Red Pill advice.

Blue pill men will likely fail at online dating because they don’t know this unspoken rule that women employ.