Sex With Trans Women 101: A Guide for Queer Cis Women

There's a dearth of sexual information for queer people, let alone for trans folks and our partners. To help combat the misinformation and stereotypes that permeate our communities, I've put together a guide for all you queer cis women out there. It comes down to education and communication, so let's chat about trans women and how our bodies work, shall we?

Summer is here, which means every other queer girl is finally hopping off Twitter and grabbing some sun. And what better way to enjoy the weather than going on a beach date? Higher temperatures are encouraging us all to be slutty, so whether you’re single, nonmonogamous, poly, or something in between, it’s the perfect time to swap numbers and grab drinks with that dyke that you’ve been bashfully checking out at the feminist bookstore.

Of course, sapphic dating is easier said than done, and not just because a gentle brush against the leg can mean 20 different things. Queer trans girls are out there dating, too, and chances are if you’re reading this article, you’re at least entertaining the idea of hanging out with one of us (if you haven’t already!). But because trans bodies are ridiculously stigmatized, there aren’t that many sex ed resources out there about us. Hell, most trans women don’t even know how to pleasure themselves.

That’s why I’m here today: to help you unlearn our society’s nasty transphobia and teach you how to have fun with the trans women in your love life. It’s a noble endeavor, I know. So let’s chat about trans women, how our bodies work, what feels good for us, and what you should know before we go home together.

Don’t make assumptions about our genitals.

Mainstream porn implies anyone with a penis, be they cis men, nonbinary people, or trans women, prefer intense, rigorous stroking until they squirt semen. While not every trans woman uses estrogen, many (if not most) of us do, and our bodies work so much differently than cis men’s on hormone replacement therapy (or HRT). Trans adult performer Claire Tenebrarum warns that cisgender women are just as prone to cis men when it comes to believing and regurgitating these unrealistic stereotypes.

“Based on Tinder hookups and just general interactions with cis girls and couples on Tinder, their knowledge, like cis men's knowledge, comes from highly fetishized pornography where girls with thick, throbbing cocks shoot wads of cum,” Tenebrarum tells me. “There's a complete lack of even basic understanding of trans people, how our medication works, and we're basically just treated like cis men with tits.”

Some trans women have penises but feel uncomfortable using them during sex. Others are fine having their cocks touched but may refrain from topping or penetrative sex. There are also trans women who top and enjoy having penetrative sex (as I know from first-hand experience as a vers, or someone who doesn't have a particular preference when it comes to sexual positions). Additionally, many trans women are post-operative and do not have penises at all; instead, they have vaginas. In my case, I am a non-operative trans woman — that is, I have a penis (which I prefer to call a “clit,” “cock,” or “girldick”) and have elected not to change my genital configuration. Because HRT feminizes my body, my clit has soft, thin skin that prefers gentle stimulation. By all extents, it’s a feminine penis. Really, when it comes down to it, we're all different, and you should communicate with your partner about what both of you want in bed.

Journalist Sessi Kuwabara Blanchard pens the sexuality column “MTF & DTF” for Vice, where she talks about her love and sex life as a trans woman. While she doesn’t have any personal experiences with hooking up with cis women, she’s well aware of the social dynamics at play when trans and cis women meet up. More specifically, assuming a trans woman’s penis is penetrative by default “rearticulates the coerced masculinity” trans women are forced into at birth.

Keep an open mind, and remember you’re having sex with a woman who knows more about her body than you do about hers.

“This is not to say that using one's penis for penetrative sex is masculine. Rather, the person making such an assumption overlooks the reality of trans women's dicks, particularly for girls who are taking estrogen and testosterone blockers. Our dicks get smoother, softer, more flaccid. To be honest, it's harder to penetrate when you're on all those 'mones," says Blanchard.

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“This failure to acknowledge the specificity of our bodies just continues the line of thinking that trans women are actually men," she continues. "Obviously, it doesn't mean that a girl who isn't on hormones or has an unchanged dick is less of a woman. But what violates trans women is how the underlying assumptions guiding normative cis male sexuality are exported to the normative sexuality of a trans woman.”

Granted, you probably wouldn’t have known any of that unless you slept with a trans woman before. But that’s exactly why you should walk into sexual encounters without any expectations. Keep an open mind, and remember you’re having sex with a woman who knows more about her body than you do about hers.

“One girl might like her dick touched, another might not, some areas can possibly be an off zone altogether because I know men touching my dick completely takes me out of the mood, so I'm sure the same applies to woman-love-woman sex for some trans women,” Tenebrarum tells me. “No two trans girls are the same.”

Take an anatomy lesson.

So what are some of the best ways to pleasure trans women that want genital contact? For one, it depends on our configuration. Trans women with vaginas have genitals that function similarly to cis women’s, whereas trans women’s penises on HRT are much more analogous to an enormous version of a cis woman’s clitoris. In the latter’s case, our crotches require a soft, smooth touch based on using one’s fingertips. For trans women on HRT, stroking the frenulum — the outer tissue on the penis connecting the shaft and the glans — is particularly pleasurable, and the penis’ tip often responds well to gentle touching.

Alongside the penis, the perineum is right above the prostate; some trans women even prefer having it touched (or fucked) instead of penile stimulation, as the perineum’s placement feels analogous to a vagina. These areas respond well to simultaneous stimulation as well, especially when playing with the anus too. To paraphrase one of my favorite zines out there, Fucking Trans Women, people born with penises have an incredibly sensitive web of nerves throughout their crotch, from the top of their shaft, through the taint between the rear and cock, and ending at the anal sphincter. Experiencing simultaneous stimulation can be ecstatic, to say the least.

But it’s not just about touch, it’s also how you talk about our penises. Blanchard warns that because cis women are “upheld as the pillars of femininity,” trans women may be more self-conscious during sex. That means talking to your trans partner about their genitalia — from how they want to be touched to what words to call it — is extremely important.

“It's rather simple to say, but genitals are blessed with being the arbiter of sex and gender, within the context of a patriarchy that is rooted in biological understandings of people,” Blanchard says. “So I think a cis girl needs to know that how she talks about a trans girl's ding-dong could be more upsetting than if a cis guy were to say the same thing.”

There’s a lot more to sex than just genitals. Don’t forget kissing, fondling, groping, and other forms of foreplay, as well as kink, if applicable. For more information, check out Allison Moon and KD Diamond's Girl Sex 101, which details more techniques for playing with the shaft, treating it in a feminine and affirming way, and learning all about sapphic sex across genders.

It’s about the journey, not the orgasm.

Masturbation can often be really difficult for trans women with all kinds of genitals; girls with penises, in particular, can have a hard time reaching orgasm due to things like dysphoria, self-consciousness, or simply not being in the right headspace. Part of trans sex is accepting that a complimentary cum isn’t a given. Instead, many of us deprioritize getting off and try to focus on connecting with our partner (or partners) when we hook up. This can be doubly so when two or more trans women sleep together.

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“I can speak only for my experience, but most trans lesbian sex for me has consisted of mostly foreplay, there's hardly ever penetration even, and isn't super focused on genitals. It feels more like a lewd cuddle session,” Tenebrarum explains. “For example, me and a friend just kind of get really high, lick and smell each other, it's completely unfocused on our dicks and there's no pressure to orgasm, because we're not even focused on those areas. It's great.”

That said, there is a wide range of toys that can help trans women get off. For pre-op and non-op women, the Hot Octopuss Pulse III’s oscillator does wonders to the frenulum. It also pairs well with the Hot Octopuss Atom Plus, which is a cock ring that vibrates against the shaft and perineum simultaneously; together, they prove immensely pleasurable and can help trans women cum. (Granted, I recommend trans women just snag the former if they’re uncomfortable with getting or maintaining an erection.) Other than that, the Hitachi Magic Wand Rechargeable continues to be the gold standard for trans girls. (For more recommendations, check out my column on trans sex toys with the Daily Dot.)

When in doubt, ask.

We know what it’s like to have a lot of awkward, uncomfortable questions about trans bodies, because we’ve spent most of our lives asking the same exact ones. In other words, we get that you may be nervous about fucking up or saying something shitty. Or you may feel a little overwhelmed because sapphic trans sex is an entirely new sexual experience. All of that is fine. But it’s also why communication is so important.

While I can’t speak for all of us, queer trans women generally don’t expect cis women to be professionals with our bodies during their first few times. Once sex is on the table, we’re open to answering questions about how our bits work, what we need to enjoy ourselves, how we like to be played with, and what crosses a line. For instance, if you don’t know whether we want our genitals to be touched or played with, go ahead and ask. If you don’t know what words we prefer for our penises, talk to us. And if you don’t know how to go down on a trans girl, be honest. We’ll sit down with you and work things out.

“Absolutely ask questions, just do it in a respectful manner, and think before you speak,” Tenebrarum advises. “Talk to us about what we like, don't apply assumptions you apply to cis men to us, our body works in different ways, and [understand that] dysphoria also affects us all in different ways.”

Granted, it’s one thing to ask a trans woman about her genitals when clothes are coming off; it’s another to do so over coffee on the first date. But if it’s an appropriate question to ask, speak up. It’s the lifeblood of good sex.