Why I’m Late

Honey, what time are the guests showing up? I’m on I-95, and the radio's saying that traffic is backed up from—oh, jeez, hold on. Everything suddenly went dark.

It's slow-and-go on the roadways tonight! We're seeing a situation on I-95 due to a nasty black hole that's causing commuters to disappear, so try to avoid this doozy if you can . . .

Are you there, honey? Did I lose you?

Breaking news: there's major congestion on Market Street because of intermittent musket fire from the redcoats, but we do have an update coming in about the overturned ox that tragically squashed two pedestrians. It makes delicious soup.

Now I can sort of hear you. Just a sec—I'm trying to listen to the traffic report.

Your best bet, if you're travelling outbound on the Delaware River, is to cross in the middle of the night on a boat with a tall guy facing into the wind.

Hon, I'm beginning to think I got off at the wrong exit. No, I am not still at the office!

If you're heading over to the Great Wall, you're going to be looking at lane closures. Bumper-to-bumper Mongols will certainly make for a tough commute today, folks.

Honey, you don't think it's possible I somehow ended up in another century, do you?

Hate to be the bearer of bad news here, but Rome is still not being built in a day, so expect further construction delays—

Stop it! I do not "always have an excuse."

—and, if you're seeking an alternate route, think again because all routes lead to . . .

Cocktail napkins and a bag of ice? O.K., but I'm not seeing a lot of bodegas around here.

Things are definitely not looking good on the causeways in Ramses. Let's take you over to Shannon, with our Beat the Traffic and Plagues map.

Don't get hysterical. I'll be there, I promise. It's just that right now I'm being tailgated by Pharaoh.

If you're fleeing the area, believe it or not, I'm going to suggest you make your way by foot across the Red Sea.

That's so unfair! I so do not have a persecution complex. Anyway, I'm positive that you said the guests were coming at seven-fifteen, not seven.

Anyone trying to get anywhere in Paris, especially if your name contains Roman numerals, should stick to the carpool lane to avoid ongoing peasant road rage.

Fine. Let them go ahead and eat the hors d'oeuvres without me.

_Let's go live now to Mount Vesuvius, which, sadly, has wiped out the population of Pompeii. Traffic is reported to be lighter than usual. _

Look, I'll get there when I get there. Assuming I can outrun the lava.

Anybody who isn't dead should proceed with extreme caution, because volcanic ash has reduced visibility.

Lava, not lover! Now who's the paranoid one?

You might want to get that coffee to go and head out the door early this morning, because they're saying ten thousand more years of wintry mix and shifting glaciers, and that could definitely add time to your commute.

Do you still need ice?

Breaking news: the threatened strike by the United Federation of Autonomous Automobiles over the right to choose destinations has been called off. We can all breathe a major sigh of relief that three million vehicles will not be driving themselves off the job tonight! This averts what could have been the worst car-bot stoppage since 2023.