An Open Letter to My Son, Who Yesterday Was Called a ‘Nerd’

Even when the world is dark, and people are picking on you for wearing glasses, Mom and Dad are here and we’d take a bullet to spare you pain.

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Dear Son,

The hardest thing to do, as a parent, is to let your kid go out into the world on his own, even if it’s just to kindergarten. Dad and I may talk a tough game about loving that you guys are getting bigger, but if we’re honest, it’s pretty scary.

See, we were here before you. We remember when there was no you at all, and then one day we watched the teeniest flutter on a screen when you were just 9 weeks into being something other than ether. You were only a few millimeters long, but we already loved you.

And when you were born, you were a mysterious and helpless little lump who needed us so entirely that you weren’t even conscious of yourself as an entity yet. And that was a heady experience for Daddy and me. Never before had we known what it was like to create life, and suddenly you were here—both separate and a part of us.

Yesterday I watched you skip into school, eyes full of sparkle, so proud of your new glasses and haircut. We got you the same black Ray Ban frames that both Daddy and I wear, by far the coolest ones they had at Lens Crafters. We also got you a super short haircut just like the one Dad wears so that your hair wouldn’t get in the way of your new specs.

All weekend long, our friends and family were enamored of your new look and told you how awesome you looked, how much you looked like Dad, so you felt really good about now being the second kid in your class with glasses.

“Mom, I thought ‘nerd’ just meant ‘smart’? Why did Billy say it to be mean?”

And so I explained it all to you. How some people think calling someone a nerd makes them seem cooler, but that nerds are the ones who do all the cool stuff that he loves. Nerds invented the iPad, discovered dinosaurs, have gone into space, and make the coolest movies. Nerds are the bosses, the ones who worked hard to get what they wanted, and who have the coolest lives as grown-ups.

You liked the idea of inventing the iPad, and of making a lot of money, and making cool movies like Star Wars. But you were still hurt.

And so I told you about the people who love you. Jake, Kian, Bebe and Franklin who are your best friends, who think you look cool in your glasses. Your cousin Petra who considers you her most trusted friend. Your brother who wants to be exactly like you in every way. Your aunts and uncles who love you like you’re their own child, your grandparents and mom and dad who would step in front of a bus at any moment to spare you pain.

And I told you to tell that kid Billy to mind his own business and find something better to do than be a jerk. But I know you won’t do that, because you’re too sweet and you don’t want anyone to be upset.

And there are also things I wish I could tell you that I know I can’t yet: That kids like Billy are messed up inside, that they have pain that is so great they don’t know what to do with it except be mean to other kids. That doesn’t give them a right to be mean to anyone else, but someone is hurting them, and that’s why they choose to be that way to you.

I can’t tell you this, but if you punched that Billy kid in the face, Daddy and I wouldn’t be mad. The fact that he took your spark of pride away from you makes him the lowest of the low in our book, and even though he’s just a kid, being knocked down a few pegs would serve him well.

Mom and Dad

I also can’t tell you this, but your dad has glasses and he got laid like crazy, well before he ever met me. I mean, more than you should probably ever know. He may have been the valedictorian of his graduating class, but that certainly didn’t stop him from dating the hottest girls.

I’m not saying that’s what you should do in your life, but if you can figure out how to adopt your daddy’s swagger, I guarantee you that kids like Billy are going to be tagging along after you, hoping to catch the tail end of the trail of women (or men, if that ends up being your thing) that will end up following you around.

And maybe you don’t want that, and will never have Dad’s too-cool-for-school aura or my big personality and no-bullshit attitude. That’s okay. We love you for who you are, and who you’re going to be.

The truth is, we don’t always understand you. When we were kids, we didn’t like the same stuff you like, and for some reason we continue to be surprised that you’re not a carbon copy of us. You’re a sensitive, curious, goofy guy who at 8 years old loves reptiles, rocks, and video games more than skateboards or surfing. But we see you for who you are, and we think that’s great. Even though sometimes we have no idea what you’re talking about.

And know that Mom and Dad and your family love you, and we think you’re one of the most awesome human beings ever to be put on this earth. And be assured that we will fight for you, for your happiness, safety, and sense of self, for as long as we’re alive. Because you’re worth it, just for being the kid that you are.

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About Joanna Schroeder

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Joanna, I appreciated the intent of your piece, particularly with regard to how you and your husband tried to put wind in your child’s sails about his new look. That said, I was deeply concerned by some sentiments in this short confession: “I can’t tell you this, but if you punched that Billy kid in the face, Daddy and I wouldn’t be mad. The fact that he took your spark of pride away from you makes him the lowest of the low in our book, and even though he’s just a kid, being knocked down a few pegs would serve… Read more »

Show me a parent of a kid who is being bullied who DOESN’T think this. Thinking it and saying it are different.

If you honestly think I don’t see the kid as just a kid, then you haven’t read the piece well, and you haven’t read any of my other work.

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5 years ago

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James

As someone who went through 13 years of bullying in school I wish I had some words of advice for your son unfortunately I still don’t know whether I am any wiser when it comes to bullies. I would like to say he should punch billy in the nose, but I know from experience that doesn’t work. I would like to say just ignore it but frankly our brains aren’t wired that way and you can’t I would like to say things get better (at school) but I know they can get worse, much worse. I would like to say… Read more »

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5 years ago

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Allie

Joanna — While I think this is a wonderful article with quite a bit of insight into great parenting, I found that some of the ways you discuss women were somewhat problematic. I am sure you had no intention of this, as you referred to yourself as a sex-positive feminist in earlier comments. However, I was somewhat concerned by these comments: “I also can’t tell you this, but your dad has glasses and he got laid like crazy, well before he ever met me. I mean, more than you should probably ever know. He may have been the valedictorian of… Read more »

I think you’re completely wrong about my commodifying sex. I think you’re being overly academic about a non-academic scenario.

That being said, I’ll recognize that I placed a higher value on “hot” women than other women. Definitely problematic. Is it a deal-breaker for the piece? Certainly not.

The point is, nerdy guys don’t lack for sexual attention by nature of their glasses, intellect or academic pursuits.

And when it comes down to it, that’s a perfectly feminist message. In fact, the implication otherwise (that women only go for so-called Alpha Males) is actually significantly less feminist, in my mind.

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6 years ago

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Archy

Hottest to him isn’t necessarily a bad thing, especially if that includes a personality. I am sure you are the hottest woman ever to your husband.

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6 years ago

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Allie

I would be interested in knowing why you think I am wrong about commodifying sex — it is certainly possible that I do not understand the concept fully or had an off interpretation, I was just offering my take on things. I also think you make a very good point in that there is a time and a place for being overly academic and too critical. I think you are right in saying that this piece, given its tone and message (which I agree is overall a feminist and positive one), likely didn’t warrant my dissection of minute details. As… Read more »

Allie, I agree with you. The way this read is detrimental to both men and women, as if the amount of sex a man has validates or invalidates him. I hope this insinuation dues out one day…

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3 years ago

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Joseph

An interesting thing: when I was at work today the owner of the company I work for, that provides interactive games for social events, said that cerebral events like murder mystery dinners and treasure hunts have a much wider female following than a male one: “I know it’s sexist” she said; “Well, no it isn’t.” I reassured her, “that’s an observation based on your experience, but why is that, is it nature or nurture?” because I’d been led to believe that we were the nerdier of the sexes, generally – all those nerdy learning difficulties like aspergers, dyslexia, dyspraxia, ADHD… Read more »

So…you’re upset at the nerd comment but you’re OK labeling Billy as damaged based on a run of the mill name-calling incident? Sorry, that doesn’t make sense to me. Billy acted like kind of a jerk. I’d tell my sensitive son pretty much the same thing as far as solidifying his self-worth. But getting through sleights and petty name-calling has been, is, and always will be part of growing up. Anyone who thinks it can or should be completely eradicated is delusional. Why is it that so many parents (not specifically you Joanna, just in general) want to eliminate all… Read more »

Important distinction – I didn’t tell my son that about the other boy. That was my internal narrative! I think teaching my kid to think about the word “nerd” differently is actually a coping skill for the hardness of life. As a teen, I was called alternately a “slut” (meaning I was having sex with someone) or “stuck-up” (meaning I wasn’t having sex with anyone) depending up on the boys in my school’s mood. I had to think differently about both words to not be profoundly damaged by both terms. Probably why I am a sex-positive feminist in my adulthood.… Read more »

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6 years ago

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Butterfly

Our kids’ school still has Nerd Day during Spirit Week. I enjoyed helping my daughter pick out a silly outfit that exaggerated what we wore in the 1980s for 80s Day, and I know it’s all in fun and not meant to be taken seriously. But it seems so backward and hurtful to poke fun at a stereotype of a smart, socially awkward person.

Great letter, Mom. Reminds me of a funny episode of Frasier where his son Frederick is called a dork and Frasier tells the bully: “That dork will be operating on your prostate one day!”

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6 years ago

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wellokaythen

Will you adopt me?

Before you say no: I’m potty trained, I share my toys, I can give you sibling references that show that I’m a good brother, I have a job, and I come with my own transportation and my own health insurace coverage.

As the mom of two kids in junior high who both wear glasses, just like mom AND dad, and been dubbed band geeks, and get the best grades, let me say, now is the time to install in your child the sense of self-worth because it gets far worse in junior high. Let them know that it’s fine to be smart, kind, sensitive and goofy, that who they are is who they are and if other people don’t like it, it is their problem and loss, not related to your child. Let them know that while you and the family… Read more »

Nerdiness is what women want. Sometimes they don’t even bother with stopping by the football cheerleader show first… Women and men are getting a whole lot smarter this generation. They don’t take their cues from their parent’s fucked up social priorities any more.

Kids need a moral compass, and anchor to windward, charts of safe waters and bad…and some other weird nautical metaphors.

Knee-jerk, mislabeling reactions are common when these stories go to ink, but “helicopter-mom” is one of the common ones. That’s way off-base however when a mom provides what you read about in this story.

The opposite end of the continuum is “ferrel child.” We usually end up dead, addicted or in prison.

@ThomasM: If it hurt, it hurt…and for a reason. Some boys are more sensitive that others. I was an open-nerve of sensitivity till the Summer I turned 8. Izz, from all I have gathered, is likewise a sensitive boy. Not all mothers are created the same either. Some are very engaged and attuned to their children’s emotional states. Some are mother lions and will let you know it in clear terms. Calling someone a “nerd” is purely an emotional attack. Kids do that, or say that in order to hurt the perceived weaker kid. There’s no need for that crap… Read more »

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6 years ago

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ThomasM

Seriously, you are overreacting. A kid called your son a nerd. So what? Kids are mean sometimes. Billy is not messed up inside. He’s just a kid. I’m pretty sure your son sometimes says hurtful things to other kids, too. If Billy is regularly picking on your son it’s a different thing. But one stupid comment is just one stupid comment. Don’t make a big deal out of it, you are not doing your son a favor if you are overprotecting him.

ThomasM,
I am deeply and sincerely grateful that you are not parenting anywhere near my son’s community or school. That whole “kids will be kids” thing just won’t fly. Period.

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6 years ago

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ThomasM

Oh gosh, I did my civilian national service in a home for difficult children instead of serving in the army. While I was there a 11 year old attached a teacher with a bicycle chain. So my idea of a messed-up kid is probably different from yours or Joanna’s.

And it might actually be good for the kids in your community if someone gives them a little space instead of getting involved in every of their problems and conflicts.

But what happened to expecting a learning environment where children are not emotionally attacked and hurt? It CAN be done. The lazies just don’t want to bother.

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6 years ago

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ThomasM

@Rob I think it’s a matter of balance. I’m not advocating for some Lord of the Flies scenario where children merciless emotionally and physically hurt each other. But dealing with emotional or physical pain is a learning experience, too. And no matter how sheltered children grow up sooner or later they will have to deal with it. IMO, children will follow the lead of their caregivers, that is if you make a big deal of small things they will become a big deal for the children, too. Let me give you an example. Some time ago I was preparing dinner… Read more »

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6 years ago

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Leia

Great thoughtful letter, Joanna!

Izz is a truly awesome and lucky little man…!

I got called a “brain” by my BFF, K., in 6th grade….I couldn’t understand why she was being so mean to me….and my other good friend, S., just told me that she must be jealous and to ignore it….

Anyway, I am still BFFs with K. and it turns out she is a “brain”, too….so is her kid now, too! In the grand scheme of life, it is very good to be a “brain” or a “nerd”….we shall inherit the earth!

You have great parents; listen to ’em; but don’t hit the kid who’s givin’ you trouble. As your mom says, he’s probably already being hurt in some way, and he’s certainly jealous of and even a little bit of afraid of ya. I mean, you’re Different!

Everyone’s a little different, and then there are the Lucky Ones whose Difference just shows up in a brighter way. Hang in, kiddo; it gets better.

Kile, we really DON’T want him to hit the kid! But when you have one kid bothering a bunch of others, as a parent, you can’t help but feel like the kid needs to be reminded that he’s not the king of the world. But we would NOT tell him that or advocate for it! It’s just a parental knee-jerk 😉

Joanna! As soon as I saw the title on my email i was flippin-sht! There’s nothing I can tell you about this that you don’t already know. You are much wiser then me on children’s emotional health. So again…I can offer no special angles or spin. I just want to compliment you on handling it so well for Izz. He had one of those days that etched into his heart. But Izz has something many kids don’t — Parents who got his back! And he KNOWS he has parents who’ve got his back. Maybe someday he’ll be able to pull… Read more »

As a lifelong lover of nerds and geeks, and a parent, my heart goes out. Not that you should share this with him, but I have always told my daughter that nerds and geeks are where it’s at. Once she got old enough I used my trademark phrase, “Those guys will tinker with your motherboard until they find an algorithm that makes it work.” Nerds and geeks are where it’s at. Totally. (At least partly because they’ve had to spend their life dealing with insensitive bullying and bullshit stereotyping and are therefore less likely to do it themselves. This Billy… Read more »

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6 years ago

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Ip192

Yeah the nerds get the girl in the end, after she’s had her fun with the other type of guys.

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6 years ago

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Dana

Dude… people aren’t divided into fixed categories. You have a strange worldview, or maybe you’re just wallowing in self-pity because the hot cheerleader isn’t interested in you. There’s plenty of smart girls, nerd girls, fun girls around, and if you stopped thinking of them as a big giant evil entity and saw them as individuals instead, it would be beneficial.

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6 years ago

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Archy

“At least partly because they’ve had to spend their life dealing with insensitive bullying and bullshit stereotyping and are therefore less likely to do it themselves. ” Not always, sometimes it can be more passive aggressive but there are quite a lot of bullies during school who were bullied themselves, I bullied for a bit in year 6 or 7 trying to fit in and be cool, whilst I was being bullied by others. Later on I realized the impact n stopped it. Hell most of my bullies probably were abused at home or something….sometime has to give those kids… Read more »

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6 years ago

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Archy

Hi 5. I wear glasses, it’s annoying but it doesn’t make me a nerd or a geek, it just means I have astigmatism!