WouldJew Believe #24

Everybody’s doin’ it! They’re walking palm-first, communing in earnest with their window to the world: the iPod (iPad and all the other “i’s.”) Never to be forgotten, We Jews are being tempted with gazunta apps, and I’m not talking chopped liver. So, here are some yummy Apps with Jewish tude.

iTalmud: Feel the need to debate, even with yourself? The Talmud is now electronically accessible. No excuses for not studying!

iSiddur: This prayer book also features location-based prayer times! No more when is Maariv, even in outer space. (And no more Jewish outer space jokes!)

Totally Tanach: Browse, search and study the Hebrew Bible any time, any place. You can even get a Rashi Commentary to help you resolve your iQuestions.

Get a Rashi Commentary to help you resolve your iQuestions.

Tanya: Hear the Alter Rebbe’s words and be uplifted. (But keep your eyes on the road.)

iBless Food: My personal favorite, this hendy-dendy app remind you of the correct blessing. What could be more important than thanking the Almighty? Right -- if it could only remind you

to thank our mothers. Now that would be something!

KIPPAHS ON ICE?

What do you do if your hockey team “farshtoonks,” you’re in the Sunshine State, and you want MOTs to maybe buy a ticket? According to Neil Rubin, editor of the Baltimore Jewish Times, the Florida Panthers tried to break the ice in December by holding what they called “The Biggest Hanukkah party in South Florida!” More than food and music, the team offered an incentive. If you bought a (discount) ticket, you were gifted with a fan “beanie.” Did it work? Eh ... not so much. Could it be the Jews of South Florida already have enough yarmulkes? Or could it be there aren’t enough MOT fans to start a mini Panthers blog? Which, of course was the reason for the giveaway in the first place. Oy! Better they should have Yiddishe kops than give Yiddishe Kippahs.

HARRY POTTEROWITZ?

Recently a group of tourists in Israel went on a pilgrimage at the pristine cemetery of Ramle. Their mission? To find the tombstone of Hogwarts’ most illustrious student, the bespectacled Harry Potter. After much investigation, and a little hocus pocus, there it appeared among 4,500 graves! Photos were duly snapped as “Potters” huddled around the burial site of their hero. Or not? It really is Harry Potter’s grave. Just not that Harry Potter’s grave. This Harry Potter, age 18, was a British soldier, felled back in 1939, while on duty when Britain held the League of Nations Mandate for Palestine. Are the tourists getting wise? Probably. But, the tour guide, Ron Peled said the name sells. Galloping Gargoyles!!

HUMMUS WARS?

What is it about the chick pea that incites such militant mishegoss? OK, yes, as a beloved ethnic treat on both sides of the Middle East aisle, it’s served up as a metaphor for larger conflict. And the conflict was played out in December at Princeton University where the world watched and logic prevailed! The pro-Palestinian Princeton Committee on Palestine (PCP) called for a referendum of the student body to ask university retail outlets to provide an alternative to Sabra-brand hummus. Seems simple, nu? An exercise in consumerism? A hummus op for other manufacturers? Ah, but Princeton students had the saichel to realize there was more to this than free hummus choice. You see, the Sabra people donate funds and services to soldiers in the elite Israel Defense Forces Golani brigade, which irked the PCP who charged that the Golani brigade routinely violates human rights and international law. The referendum was handily beaten, 1,014 to 699! A strong show of support for hummus (our way) and Israel!

FILE UNDER ROTTEN IDEAS? OR NOT?

Anyone in South Florida who ever said, “Get me a lawyer. Shhhh. A Jewish one” can now say it aloud, and dial. A new Boca business, the Jewish American Bar Association, promises to refer a bona fide Jewish mouthpiece, or, according to found Lisa Spitzer, a gentile, “if his heart was in accordance with our goals and purposes.” (Whatever that means.) While the prospect may entice some clients, some in the legal community, Jewish and not, are underwhelmed, even offended, though probably for different reasons. This begs the questions: Do Jewish lawyers have the “chutzpah” edge or is this a you-know-what stereotype? And, much like the difference between loving Irish stew vs. Irish bartenders, is the stereotype a “compliment” or a klop? The jury is still out. You be the judge.

AND WOULDJEW BELIEVE: FESTIVUS FOR THE REST OF US??

Who can forget the Seinfeld episode when George, to get out of Christmas-gifting, tells his boss, he celebrates “Festivus.” Listen ...

GEORGE: "I was afraid that I would be persecuted for my beliefs. They drove my family out of Bayside, Sir!?"

Well, one convicted drug dealer in an Orange County California prison, not only didn’t forget “Festivus,” he celebrates. Malcolm Alarmo King reportedly cited his observance of Festivus to eat kosher in prison! King, more of a “healthest” than a “Festivest” needed a religious reason to get the kosher meals, which are supersized. A local Bayside paper claimed he got his wish, even after thorough investigation revealed the “holiday” was a figment of the Costanza mishegoss. All of which begs the question: Did the Costanzas eat Kosher on Festivus? Or even, what were the Costanzas? Mama C was Jewish, hands down. (The house smelled like kasha.) But papa Frank? We saw his cousin in Italy. Maybe he was Sephardic? But then George joined the Latvian Orthodox Church. Did he ever re-convert? Is George a “re-Converter?” And if so, to what? And ... never mind.

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About the Author

Quirky, no-nonsense, funny, Marnie – writer, editor, author, lecturer, clinician, and administrator -- is a straight-shooter, who has a distinctive voice and takes on the world in her columns, features, and books. Her advice column was syndicated through Tribune Media Services, and it currently appears in Singular magazine as Singular Solutions. Marnie has written over 20 books/calendars, including the series “A Little Joy, A Little Oy." Her books include Yiddishe Mamas: The Truth About the Jewish Mother and A Little Joy, A Little Oy (pub. AndrewsMcMeel). She is also an award-winning “calendar queen” having written over 20. She has been nominated for both an Emmy and Writers Guild award.Thefullwiki.org has listed Marnie Macauley on their list of top Jewish_American writers, dead or living. (She’s still deciding which.) She was also chosen as a Distinguished Woman in Las Vegas in March of 2014.

Visitor Comments: 7

From the above Festivus article: "But papa Frank? We saw his cousin in Italy. Maybe he was Sephardic?"
HEY! What's this! Youse guys pickin' on us Italian Sephardics? We eat spaghetti and matzo balls--so what! Anybody care for another helping of gefilte fish parmagiana? Yum!

(6)
Nettie,
January 27, 2011 1:36 PM

Amazing

The diversity of delightful data gathered from the diaspora stuns the mind with well chosen descriptive words. Always enjoyable to read. Congratulations

(5)
Anonymous,
January 26, 2011 7:51 PM

I was at the Biggest Hanukkah Party at the Miami Heat Game- maybe the hockey party was the same night because every Chabad in town and then some was the Heat game.

(4)
Anonymous,
January 26, 2011 2:56 AM

as always-clever ,cryptic, funny and to the point-
way to go Marnie!

(3)
Anonymous,
January 25, 2011 6:43 PM

L'chaim to the Irish

Irish stew, Irish bartender, I like both, no preference for either. Besides, the best Irish stew is made with Guinness, for which you need an Irish bartender who knows how to pour it properly.

(2)
Anna,
January 25, 2011 12:16 PM

BTQ alert!!!

Good stuff (I'm especially pleased to hear that the ridiculous hummus offensive was soundly thrashed); however, you twice used the phrase "begs the question" incorrectly. "Begging the question" is a logical fallacy meaning to assume that the initial point in an argument is already proven (you can see lots of examples if you read The Guardian's articles about Israel). What you mean is RAISING the question. Thanks for your column!

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
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