February 23, 2007

As you doubtless know, yesterday Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi called President Bush to complain about remarks that had been made by Vice President Cheney. PRS Operatives, ever vigilant, managed to obtain a transcript of the phone call.

RINGGGGGGG

Operator: Good afternoon. This is the White House. To whom may I direct your call?

Nancy: You can direct my call to the goddamned President, that’s who.

Operator: May I ask who is calling?

Nancy: Just tell him it’s Pelosi.

Operator: Is this about a pizza delivery?

Nancy: Pizza? Are you out of your goddamned mind?

Operator: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were the lady from the pizzeria. Lots of people play pranks and try to have pizzas delivered here.

Nancy: You idiot! I’m Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker in the goddamned House.

Operator: Oh, I see. May I ask what this in reference to?

Nancy: No, you may not. Just put that dumb son of a bitch on the phone.

Operator: Please hold while I transfer your call.

[Merle Haggard music plays over the phone]

Staff Member: Good afternoon. How may I help you?

Nancy: This is Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker in the goddamned House. I want to talk to the President, and I want to talk with him right goddamned now. It’s very important.

Staff Member: Are you the lady who called two days ago claiming to be the High Priestess of the Planet Xanthia?

Nancy: Listen, you little prick. This is Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker in the goddamned House and the third in line for the presidency. Tell the President I demand to speak with him immediately.

Staff Member: May I as what this is in reference to?

Nancy: Jesus Christ!

Staff Member: Oh, you want to talk with him about a religious matter?

Nancy: No, goddammit! I want to complain about that fascist bastard piece of shit Vice President of his.

Staff Member: Oh, …I see. Please hold, and I’ll tell the President that you’re on the phone.

Nancy: Well, it’s about goddamned time!

[Merle Haggard music plays over the phone]

Staff Member: Ma’am, the President is busy at the moment, but he said he would call you back later today.

Nancy: BUSY?? The moron said he’s BUSY? He’s too BUSY to talk with the Speaker in the goddamned House? That bastard! What could possibly be so important that he cannot come to the phone to talk with me, the third in line to the Presidency?

JIMBO! YOU ARE SO DAMN FUCKING FUNNY! I’M ROLLING – NO, CHOKING – HERE FROM THE HUMOR! “Merle Haggard music plays over the phone”?!!!! I’M DAMN CHOKING! AS ALWAYS, THANKS FOR ENDING THE WEEK ON SUCH A DAMN FUNNY NOTE!