Paranoia: My neighbour knows my secrets

A really shitty thing happened. One of my neighbours (I will probably never know who) opened and read my extremely personal notes from my psychiatrist.

I meet with my doctor every couple of months and talk to him for around an hour about the most intimate details of my life. I speak about my work, marriage, childhood abuse, therapy, addictions, self harm, suicidal thoughts and whether I’m planning specific methods.

He jots down everything we discuss and sends me a copy when the notes have been written up. That’s what arrived through my letterbox hours after the postman had done his rounds. It had clearly been torn open, read and re-folded.

I was horrified. I am horrified. It is completely humiliating that some unknown neighbour knows these things about me. I feel exposed. I want to close down and not confide in my doctor ever again. I feel stupid for never being concerned this might happen.

I know I am being irrational. The person who read this may be someone I have never spoken to. They might have their own mental health issues and have empathised as they read that stuff.

But through my massively self critical, negative lens I only see judgement. I feel like this person sees me, watches, judges, and I can’t defend myself. I feel nervous going out of the house and coming home. I’m looking at everyone in my street and imagining what they think of me. None of it is good.

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That really is shitty. It sounds like someone is peeking through your windows. Then again Laura I sometimes get mail that’s been opened. Often by Royal Mail because it got destroyed in the sorting office. Maybe it wasn’t a neighbour?
Having said that it’s irrelevant because we’ll never know. The importance of all of this is that you find something to soothe yourself with.
Can you do that dissociation thing whereby you can acknowledge in your head that, whoever will have / may have read your notes will have undoubtedly read them through the lens of compassion for you. Compassion that you may not feeling worth of xxxx

Thanks Serena. Yes it’s a strange feeling that someone unknown to me has observed me in this way. Even if they were kind about it. I’m talking to myself, challenging my assumption that I’m being laughed at or judged. But you’re right; I guess I don’t feel enough compassion for myself to really believe that a stranger would. x

That would feel so vulnerable! Im hoping that this person realized what it was, didn’t read through it and put it back in the envelope and back to you. Be good to yourself. You work hard on your health and that takes incredible courage. 💕

Oh dear, I’d be mortified, too. You can’t undo what’s been done, or really know for sure what happened (unless you ask that neighbor if they accidently opened your mail.) So, moving forward: can you ask your doctor to email you the notes. Snail mail is very dangerous these days. Try to relax. Everyone has things they don’t want their neighbors to know-your neighbor might too.