In order to get a free dress from Gucci, I would have had to have been genuinely interested in dating my generous benefactor and truthfully, I wasn’t.

Which brings me to the title of my post…

If, for any reason, you find yourself wondering if I’d maaaybe possibly be interested in being set-up, please come back here and re-read the title of this post.

Thank you, I love you, no.

This has nothing to do with you personally. This doesn’t even happen to have anything to do with the perfectly nice, upstanding, generous, and kind men I have been set up with in the past. They’re fine.

It’s me.

I am horrible at dating.

Anyone close to me will probably tell you that I can be a really great girlfriend, but as far as dating goes, in those early phases boy… watch out! I’ll chew you up!*

If I like you, you’re golden (pending no looming ex-boyfriend issues)**. If I don’t like you, you’ll know it. Fast. Four out of the last four guys I’ve dated have been sent the “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t think we should do the dating thing” or “Can we just be friends?” email after one date (two max).

Yes, email.*** And yes, ONE date.

Now, before you get all judgy on me and tell me I’m too quick to the punch and before you bust out again with the Hall & Oats, let me just say this:

SOMETIMES A GIRL JUST KNOWS.

As I see it, there are four possible reactions a girl can have on a first date (give or take a few varying degrees):

OMGYOU’REHOTANDCOOLANDAWESOME!!!

Hrm…kinda cute…funny…smart… there’s potential. A Definate Maaaaybe.

There’s nothing wrong with you. Buuuuut, this is not for me.

OMGYOUASSHATLOSER! HELLS NO!

Now, here’s where I have a problem with set-ups. Most setups, because of natural odds n shit, are going to end up being #3s.

#3s, on a set-up, are the saddest of dates. They’re not bad or comical enough to morph into one of your best.dating.stories.ever! and they’re not good enough to move any further past an equally pleasant but uneventful second date. They’re the kind that, at the time, is quite pleasant and enjoyable, but afterwards leave you hollow and lame, possibly wishing you’d been home polishing your nails.

However, if it had been a guy I’d met somewhere, who became interested in me and asked me out (or was asked out by me), I would classify the #3 as a date that simply didn’t work out and no hollowness or lameness would occur.

Why the difference? In the LATTER case, there was some sort of mutual spark or feeling that moved us both to agree to go out. The date-excitement-buildup is based on real-life contact. I’d seen him, spoken with him — felt his aura, if you will. Maybe there was even a little flirty-flirty action. I got excited about a date with a particular boy that I liked. With the set-up, the whole thing is artificial. It’s like we’ve checked each other’s dating resumes and signed off on the contract. The excitement is purely about the act of going on a date — with whom almost doesn’t matter. Whatever excitement I DO have about the guy is based more on possibility and fantasy than reality, BECAUSE WE’VE NEVER ACTUALLY MET. THUS, when it turns out that date-guy is not for me, most likely, in the set-up version, he’s going to be WAY MORE not for me, and the lameness factor is going to be higher.

Right.

So.

I am thus forbidden from going on any more set-ups/blind dates/internet dates (which, for me, have been glorified blind date/set-ups and YES, I know many people have met the loves of thier life through the internet. Some of them read this blog. I think it’s awesome.)

If you’re reading this blog and you’ve set me up with someone, I’d like to formally apologize for my bad dating skills. My set-up ban is as much for your health and sanity as it is for mine, as I wouldn’t want you to inflict me on any more of your nice, unsuspecting friends

Also, if you’re reading this blog, and you think, because you read this blog and leave comments or whatever, that we ‘know’ each other (making you someone I would consider dating), please reconsider. The answer will likely be the title of this post, MINUS the ‘I love you’ part. (if you’re reading this blog and you leave comments that I write back to all the time and if you’re someone whose blog I read and leave comments on all the time and we end up having little chats over email or getting together in person, then I adore you. But you weren’t going to ask me out, so that last sentence before the sentence before this sentence wasn’t directed at you anyway)

{{sigh}}

Enough babble for now…my thin-mints and my ‘Felicity’ await.

(No wonder I’m still single )

* go ahead, you’re DYING TO SAY IT!
** That is, if you like ME. My luck is often that if I like you, you uh… don’t.
***Hey, we only went on ONE date!

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I happen to think that makes you good at dating! I’m the bad dater that will go out 12 times and never really be into it just because I want to be nice or something. You’re right, sometimes you just know. Good for you for acting on those feelings. That being said I wouldn’t go back to dating if you paid me.

Haha, asshat…that word totally cracks me up whenever I hear it for some reason.

Well, I applaud you for your dating honesty. Is there anything worse than two people who go on dates and things aren’t working, but they say nothing, because they want to be “nice” and not hurt the other person’s feelings? How much time gets wasted that way? In my opinion, it’s just prolonging the agony, and honesty is far better than lying by omission.

It takes courage to be honest, and to be yourself out there in the world of dating. You go, girl!