thinking

On June 29 we celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary and I just feel like I need to say thanks to the man that challenges me, loves me, pushes me, and respects me.

The last five years haven’t always been easy and I know the next fifty won’t always be easy but thank you for making our life seem easy. Even during our rough times you point out the light at the end of the tunnel making whatever hurdle lie ahead seem easy.

The best piece of marriage advice I received was this “you may not like each other everyday but you will love each other everyday”. These words could not be more true and been more accurate for our life thus far. I can be a bit of a pain in the ass…. but I know even during those rough times our love for each other is still there.

Saturday October 4th we took our dog to the vet for a follow up appointment. The vets have been treating her for pneumonia. We left after a little over an hour with heavy hearts. Sally has cancer.

Monday October 6th L took Sally to a specialist. The best in our area for treating cancer in animals. L and I love our dogs more than life itself. When we heard the words terminal we knew it wasn’t about curing but about eliminating the pain.

Thursday October 9th Sally has her first chemotherapy treatment. The appointment only lasts about 45 minutes. At the end we’ve already noticed her breathing is slightly better (chemo reacts differently in animals and helps with cancer symptoms drastically).

Saturday October 11th. Its been two days since Sally’s first chemo treatment. She’ll never been 100% but watching her finally eat some chicken and drink water has been the greatest thing.

I started this as mainly a timeline for our own reference. A place to remember the chain the events that has changed our life and our other pooches lives. For a dog that has lived a fabulous life who only knows love, it is our job to make her as comfortable as possible. L has decided we need to start Sally’s bucket list. First thing up is seeing the ocean. All dogs deserve to know the intense power and freedom that over comes you when standing on the sand in front of the powerful waves. We even created a hashtag just for Sally and her adventures, #sallysalamandersbucketlist.

Tonight while driving home I realized I forgot my phone. I could either keep on driving home or turn back to pick it up. I kept on going but in true me fashion I instantly started stressing about the “What if something happens to my car and I become stranded”. Would anyone stop to help me?

Its a weird thing to think we live in a world where we rarely help each other out but at the same time as a woman I do not feel safe stopping when I am alone.

I kept driving hoping nothing would happen. I kept driving and plotted if I did have to pull over for an emergency I could easily walk to the nearest store to call L. But I like to over dramatize situations and immediately have a panic attack. I made it home safely and am already stressing about the driving in the morning without my phone….

Doing: Lately we’ve been doing a lot of working and a lot of rental house maintenance… Nothing glamorous and exciting. L is in full fledge busy season and I started my new job in early June. Its just one giant game of him trying to stay caught up and me trying to catch up.

Thinking about: I wrote about it here but my 1.5 years left of my twenties seems to be looming over my head like a black cloud. I’m not in full fledge panic mode but I’m definitely aware. I want to live my/our life to the fullest and I’m starting to become aware of the little mundane task that I let become bigger priorities than they need to be. I’m giving too much of myself to stress. I want our life to have so many carefree moments like the picture above. We’ve been talking a lot about it and I think we’re on to a great start. Hello Mexico in 150 days!!

Watching: Before bed every night we have been Its always sunny in Philadelphia. Why have we waited so long to watch this show. I laugh tip I cry every episode. I get the humor isn’t for everyone, but I love the narcissitic characters. I feel like I can relate to Sweet D on many levels its rather embarrassing.

Looking forward to: L and I are looking forward to our 10 days in Mexico. We planned this trip perfectly. Right after his busy season is complete and right in the middle of the rainy season. Ten days away from the Oregon gray mist that we get for nine months straight is exactly what the doctor ordered. Plus we never took a big honeymoon. After spending a lot of cash on the wedding we decided to keep our honeymoon local and small. These ten days away is going to be exactly what our marriage needs every once in awhile. A trip just the two of you is like marriage insurance.

Reading: So I finished the first book of the Divergent series. I’ve started the second one but reading just hasn’t been on the priority list lately. I’m loving the second book more than the first. You get to learn more about the city and why they’ve divided the city. Plus you get to meet more divergents.

Loving: I’m loving a lot right now. The seasons are starting to click. The days are still hot but the nights have started cooling off to the point of needing a sweater. I love this time of year when you can feel the seasons click together. I’m just like every other person who lives in the PNW (pacific northwest) who thinks fall is the best season ever. I’m also loving the season of our life. We 2 months into year two of marriage and things just feel normal. Not a bad normal but a comfortable this is how things should be normal. We have a routine. We have our house hold responsibilities divided equally. We have our future figured out/agreed apron as best as any one thinks they can plan for the future. Always have to leave room for the unexpected.

Well as you can probably tell there isn’t a whole lot happening around here. Yes busy but right now seems to be more of the daily life stuff. Sometimes those are the best times.

So I realized yesterday that I’m officially 1.5 years from my 30th birthday. I honestly feel a bit foolish but it’s hit me hard that I only have a short time left being a twenty something gal.

When I was 21, even 22, I thought this time was forever away. I love my birthday and what new age means. I’ve always seen getting a year older as a positive step. When I turned 25 I was beyond excited for people to stop associating me with the “typical” early twenties mess. In all honestly I’m still a hot mess but can put a good front up when in public. And L does a great job baby sitting.

I want to embrace age and every passing year but something about this 1.5 years left of my twenties has me freaked the hell out. I suddenly feel overwhelmed and like time is running out to do certain things. Shouldn’t I be a mom before I’m thirty? Have we travelled enough? I don’t save enough! I guess I’m starting to feel like I’m not adult enough to be almost 3-0.

When I really sit and think about it I sound like a superficial brat. “OMG I’m almost 30” high pitch whine.

A journal prompt thanks to sometimes sweet: Think about the plans you had for your adult self when you were younger- would you say they match up to your reality today? What did you wish for your future when you were a child? Did you have a plan? And would you say you’ve followed that plan in any way? This week, look at the life you hoped to have (even if you consider your childhood “dreams” silly now) and see how your current life compares.

Initially I laughed at myself. When I was around 8 my dream was to be a real princess. I was going to move to Europe to find a prince, become a princess, and spend my days wearing ball gowns.

As I grew a bit older I was going to become the most sought after project manager. I was going to move to New York and basically live exactly like Carrie. My own version of Sex and The City. I worked toward that until I met L.

Its funny how someone can alter your life without them (and even yourself) knowing right away. Now when I think about my dreams of moving, living my life for designers, I just laugh. I cannot even imagine living any where but here with anyone else.

After reading the prompt I had to really think deeper than just what my career dreams were, but how else has my life altered as I’ve grown. When I was younger I wanted nothing more than to be a mom. I still strive for that experience but I know it will come in time. L and I are babies that have so much to experience still.

Its funny to think about graduating exactly ten years ago and remembering how far away I thought this year was. How much I was going to have accomplished by this point. Now I’m here and I still feel like that 18 year old girl with the world at her finger tips. Yes more responsibilities but so many possibilities.

Thinking back on how my life has evolved from my little girl dreams to today makes me excited for the next ten years. Where will we live? Will have a family of our own? Even in a year from now, how will my life change from the plans we have set for it now?

I’m not 100% positive how it happened, but I have joined a team for Hood to Coast. I guess it just came up in casual conversation at work, a co-worker happened to have a spot open on his team and bang I agreed. H2C is something I’ve grown up hearing about and watching. Getting on a team is tough, and even though I enjoy running I never actually thought I would one day be able to participate.

After finishing the Shamrock 5K last month.

Once I finished the Shamrock run it really hit me I need to start training. Well mainly because later that day pictured above my uncle and I agreed to participate in the Rock n Roll Half on May 18th. Now get me wrong, I’m very excited for this year and the goals I’ve set for myself. But something in me, that I like to hide deep down inside, is starting to resurface.

I’ve starting conditioning three days a week and running with my H2C team once a week. Four days a week of pretty intense toning/cardio. I’m seeing my body change and develop to be an amazing machine. But the other day while getting ready I started picking out every flaw. I’ve even noticed my eating habits have changed. This inner demon comes out without me even realizing it. This demon is frustrated when I see other women running and I’m not where they are athletically (even weight wise). The me writing this is happy with the person I am physically, but that demon is telling me I’m not good enough.

I don’t want to be the girl counting calories or the girl that looks too thin. I want to see the strength I’ve been building, and the amazing machine I’m building. I know its not me when I look at myself in the mirror or even a picture and all I see is love handles or double chins.

I believe everyone has an inner demon. I also feel we need to let everyone talk about that inner demon. I’ve tried to talk to a few friends regarding mine and its frustrating when they basically tell me I don’t have any reason to have weight issues. My demon isn’t a weight issue, she’s an appearance issue. She tells me I’m not good enough no matter how hard I try.

So I’m making the choice through all this training to lose that demon. Kicking her to the curb. I work hard, and should be able to enjoy my successes. I’m not perfect and don’t want to be perfect. I just want to enjoy me, myself, and I without that demon comparing me to the other gal in the room.