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April 13, 2010

The Fan-Fiction Writes Itself

I'm often accused of being hyperbolic and prone to exaggeration, so I feel it necessary to offer a disclaimer and let you all know that what I am about to say is not in any way sarcastic or hopelessly exaggerated in order to make a point, but completely and honestly what we saw on-screen: the majority of today's General Hospital was criminals and liars plotting to get one over on the (admittedly shady and inept) justice system. And then Jason offered to sacrifice himself for Sonny, and the soundtrack featured a swelling, romantic accompaniment of string instruments.

No, really, a lot of it was pretty much a recipe for how to commit perjury.

Jason: You know, with everything that's going on with the trial and everything that's going on with Michael, it's pretty easy to forget that you actually had a baby the night Claudia died. I mean, I hate to even think of you in the car with Claudia, knowing she could hurt you any second, but you were brave enough to wreck that car. You walked through the woods in a storm and found a cabin! I mean, Carly, you're so tough you made having Josslyn look easy.Carly: Well, wow. I guess if I can do all that. I can convince the jury that Sonny killed Claudia in self-defense and he did it to protect me....Jason: Sonny would do the same thing Michael did. We're just switching the names.

(Although the show was quick to point out that it is not an easy thing to do, lying on the stand! It helps if you are already the brave and strong type of person, who does things like walk through woods and finds a cabin! I don't know if it was a conscious decision by Steve Burton or not, but Jason's face actually lit up when he gleefully said "and found a cabin!" and it reminded me of the overly-excited look on a child's face when they get the chance to talk about something that they've learned before. I can just imagine him continuing with, "and found a cabin! Abraham Lincoln lived in a cabin!")

And then Jason, the hitman, said he'd go to jail for Sonny, the mob boss, and he did it all noble-like, bravely offering his criminal ass in place of his criminal friend, as if he shouldn't actually be in jail already for the crimes he commits on a daily basis.

Jason: Sonny, Sonny, Sonny. You're not going to survive a year in prison. Not just because of the claustrophobia, you've got too many enemies. Claire should have brought the deal to Diane, not us. The judge should have been involved. We don't even know the deal is real at this point. She broke all kind of rules [sic]. I mean, that could buy us a mistrial.Sonny: I don't want a mistrial! I want this to be done with. And I don't see any other options.Jason: This could work.Sonny: What?Jason: You don't take Claire's deal. I do.Sonny: There's no way I'm going to let you go to prison for me.

At what point do the Brokeback Mobster jokes stop being jokes? And was this episode more or less creepy and off-putting than the end of yesterday's episode, where Sonny fantasized about ordering a hit on Claire?

Sonny: If Claire were a man, I'd say it was time for us to arrange ::flailing jazz hands:: an accident.

And while I am asking questions, why the hell do we watch this show?

It can't be for their skill at writing a compelling romance, because the one compelling romance we do have right now seems like it's on a collision course with danger and offensiveness.

Carly: I'm guessing that Dante doesn't know about your abortion.

"Unlike every other person in Port Charles, since you spent that entire summer and months thereafter talking about it nonstop".

Lulu: It never occurred to me that he would care.

"I mean, I never thought the writers would give us an obstacle in the form of a storyline that happened years ago."

Carly: Maybe he won't.Lulu: No. I'm so scared to tell him, because I'm sure he'll care. He's extremely Catholic. His mom said having him was the best decision she's ever made.Carly: Okay, that was her. That doesn't mean Dante is going to judge you.Lulu: No, at some point, I'm going to have to tell him and it's going to change the way he sees me. He's not going to see me the way he sees me now.

This, of course, follows last week's abortion-related anvil:

Dante: Sure. Or maybe she missed out on Mr. Right because of me. She was 15. She could have had a whole different life. It took guts for her to have me. She could have taken the easy road and had an abortion.

Why is it that the show only honors its history when it comes time to ruin something?!

Okay, I'm getting ahead of myself. I for sure don't know that Dante and Lulu are going to be spectacularly wrecked. It's entirely possible that I'm being a pessimist, but it's more likely that I'm being a realist, because I've grown real accustomed to GH spitting on everything that I enjoy.

Also, why was Lulu dressed like a Kardashian?

What a freaking tack-a-thon!

I do have to admit, though, that even though a lot of it was to create abortion-related angst for Lulu, Olivia's nutty pride in her son was kind of adorable, as was his obvious discomfort with it. Like, when she referred to him as "the greatest work I'll ever do?" and there was a beat before he could muster up an awkward "O...kay"? I LOLed.

Apparently, the theme of today is my asking questions that will never get answered, because there are no answers in the world of GH (I mean, no answers other than "because this show redefines the world bad"). I have yet more questions, this time about the Kristina/Alexis/Dead Kiefer story.

How freaking good are Lexi Ainsworth and Nancy Lee Grahn?! LA was so, so good for (almost) the whole episode, and NLG trying her hardest to keep it together was impressive.

The "almost" above refers to the scene where Ethan apologized to Kristina, and I don't wholly blame Lexi Ainsworth for her stony-faced reaction. I think a lot of it is due to the writing and directing, but no matter whose fault it is, WHAT THE HELL? I understand that she's dealing with a whole mess of emotions at the moment, and that Ethan's greasy hair and smirk are exceedingly irritating, but...I don't know, I felt it would have made a lot more sense for her to visibly soften as he apologized. It was really off for me.

Did anybody else let out a gasp of horror when Kiefer's father walked into Kristina's room and closed the door behind him? I anticipated something seriously awful happening, and while what happened (berating a battered teenager) was terrible, it was less criminal and disgusting than what I imagined, and before you get on my case for having a disturbed mind, remember, this is Guza's GH! There IS no bottom of the barrel here.

Speaking of Kiefer's parents, why on earth are they (a) so freaking over-the-top and cheesy in their rage? Their cartoonishness really stands out in comparison to NLG's subtlety and (b) waltzing in and out of Kristina's room?! After Mrs. Bauer's (famous, to me, for her role on a seriously disturbing episode of Criminal Minds where three kidnapped girls had to decide which of them was going to die, and then the other two had to kill her) trip in to sneer at Kristina and Alexis, why the hell didn't Maya (who took her sweet time responding to Alexis's anguished calls, BTW. I hope she doesn't wind up as an ER doc. Oh, who am I kidding, there's no such thing as a specialty on this show) make sure that someone was outside of Kristina's room to keep shouty and vengeful people away from her?

I mean, I'd ask one more, obvious question--How does Bob Guza still have a job?--but I'm afraid that our theories would wind up getting us sued for slander...

Isn't it lovely the way all Sonny's minions are willing to toss away their lives for his? What is it that makes his life so valuable that he must be saved at any cost?

The sparkling repartee? "I'd die before I let you make Carly a widow."
The seductive charm? "Give it to me. I need it bad"
The random yelling?
The air traffic controller hands?
The pinky ring?
The rictus grin of The Cryptkeeper?
The artfully arranged do, with the three strands of hair/ten pounds of grease ratio?
The B cup moobs?
The Deke ruined my birthday story?
The endless narcissism?

thanks for giving all the recaps I need... I can just delete this train wreck w/o watching it. Truly I am hanging on because of Robin and Patrick and they are never on or they are proping up Sonny (Robin anyway).... Why can't Robin and Patrick (plus baby Emma) ride off into the sunset and I can be finally done with this mess.

The Carly, Sonny, Jason worship is too much. The lack of respect for police and justice is awful. Why doesn't Guza just get over it all ready and have Jason and Sonny kiss. They have had the longest lasting relationship on GH--Carly is just a beard. It might make everything make sense or at least shake it up......

How about the utter absurdity of Carly worrying whether or not she can be a skilled liar?!?!?! If the writers had any skills or intelligence the real test of the Carly character would be whether or not she could tell the truth convincingly ;-).

And Dante yesterday, "No you're out of order!". Epic Fail Guza.

Killing Keifer was a huge plot device failure. It's cheap predictable and easy. NLG deserves so much better, as does a story about a mobsters daughter decision to stay in a violent relationship. More epic failures by Guza.

I remember that episode of Criminal Minds!!! Really sucked for those girls.

I'm glad that I've stopped watching again. The Kristina abuse storyline drew me in, but since it was quickly ruined, I've lost my interest. Maybe once this is all over, I'll watch the abuse storyline on youtube.

Let's take up a collection and buy Kristina a call button. Better yet, since Kristina seems to be ambulatory, have Alexis take her home and really watch her this time instead of going out to get the dry cleaning.

Maybe I'm just too overwhelmed by the awfulness for most of this krap to effect me anymore, but EE-FUCKIN'-GADS that outfit of Lulu's...I'm so glad you pointed that out. I literally gasped out loud. The rest of the show is just par for the course.

I'm up half the night taking care of a newborn kitten, so I was watching GH at about 2:00 a.m. I was sure I was imaging that outfit.

I don't, however, think you can get the full Kardashianesque nature of this ho-bag haute couture without getting a gander at those shoes:

At first I thought, well, she was probably wearing semi-normal heels with that tack-tastic dress as I didn't get a good glimpse of the shoes when she stopped by Carly's. Perhaps this was a change of shoes in the car for something more suitable for a conjugal visit?

Then I wondered if her smack talk to Ronnie didn't get her a little time of her own and perhaps those were leg shackles? Or maybe just one of those ankle monitors so they know where she is at all times?

Then I just came to the bleary-eyed conclusion that Guza thinks all women show up to prisons dressed like they're ready to make a "few extra bucks" to help their man make bail.

I blame being way too excited for Glee's return to notice this last night...but I am judging by that speech Jason gave to Sonny that GH is in fact AWARE they willfully disregard the actual rules of the justice system left and right? Which makes it....90 gabillion times worse. I can handle it better if I just think they are idiots.

The writers on this show are soooo lazy. They can't be bothered to write anything realistically, whether it be medical stories (post partum depression) to court room scenes. They clearly just sort of make it up as they go. But to realize that - in a genre that used to be based on emotional, character driven stories - they can't be bothered to actually write about realistic follow up to an abusive relationship, it's sad. Where was Kristina's moment of truth and strength, realizing she had to turn in Keifer? Where is Keifer's reaction and realization of what he had done - and why? Or even his not getting it? Where is the police investigation and possible trial to convict him? Where is Kristina's struggle to forgive him, if she could? Where is her confronting her attacker?

No, all that would be messy and too emotion filled. Plus, it would take too long. Let's just have the mom run him down with a car. Oh, and then let's do a PSA about what to do if you are abused - since we sure as hell aren't gonna show that boring stuff on our show!

I hope this show gets cancelled. I really do. Obviously the absurd deification of Jason and the endless excuse-making of Sonny and the gross vilification of the police are disgusting.

But it's ability to take the few storylines that I thought were handled well and retro-actively ruin them that I resent the most. I thought that they actually handled Kristina's abuse storyline well -- until its aftermath. And once upon a time I thought that these poo-flinging monkeys managed to land on a really thoughtful portrayal of a pregnant teenage girl and abortion. And I have no doubt that they are going to completely ruin that story retroactively. And I hate the writers intensely.

"By the way, I'm sure I missed it on here before, but are the GH writers 24 fans? Kiefer Bauer? REALLY?"

Jen, yeah, Guza has a hard-on for 24. A few years back, in Entertainment Weekly, they ran this article where they had two head writers of two shows come up with story ideas for the other show, and they used - wait for it - 24 and General Hospital. How the 24 writer got through that without blacking out his laptop from laughing, I'll never know.

HALLIE LOWENTHAL?!? I can totally picture her as a self-righteous, over-bearing mother. Now I kind of want to watch a clip. I'm resisting the urge because I don't want to risk a rage-induced aneurysm. Maybe I'll just watch my MSCL DVDs instead.

Why does Jason think he can just stand in for Sonny after Sonny admitted to killing Claudia? Will anyone do? It's so disheartening watching this crap. If they took the time, like a soap is supposed to do, to craft truthful, complicated stories, the payoffs would be so much greater. For instance, if Kiefer weren't dead, the show could explore his relationship with his parents and they could slowly realize that he was guilty and what they had done to make him that way.

One thing has really been bothering me from the trial. I forget who testified that Sonny got a call from Jason or Sam that Carly had her baby, and it was then that he took off for the cabin. Doesn't that negate the idea of self defense? Wouldn't Claudia have already been subdued by Jason or Sam? OK, this trial is a sham procedurally, but what about paying attention to the facts?

It is so sad to watch a once great soap go down the sink. The glorification of Crime and deglorification of the justice system is so Soprano like. Maybe if Sonny went to jail they could turn it around, he could view the disgusting life he leads. The minions Jason, Carly, Disco(gold chains) Dante, Olivia ect to show that lying on the stand is the right thing to do is vile. I want more s/l's then the mob, also bring back GOOD ACTING ever hear of Megan Ward??? I only watch when she is on, she was the only one that made Soony likable, also Steve Burton is soooo one dimensional nothing but stares, get rid of Spinelli he is annoying, I for one Like Lucky & Maxie, and they really need to send Elizabeth away, and take the boring Nic man with her. I use to really Love GH now I just check in to see Kate, and also do you think Lisa Lo Cuckoo is on just a little to much, and when she is on "BORING".

I'm also about certain that Lisa Waltz? is it, was a psycho mother on CSI Miami (when it was good) who more or less talked her son into killing her with a nail gun to frame her ex hus or some such. Also featured Jen, oh jeez. Uh, from Lost World and was on GH as a mobster girl or some such. Oy. I'm blanking. LW looks like Cindy Wheeler too. Never quite been able to get over that, since I've had issues with her after being on AMC and AW.

Well, I watched today, April 15, and this show was entertaining in a car-crash way. I endured more of, "Sonny is a great father" nonsense, which made me laugh, as the man is a thug. And when Dante mentioned that Sonny being in prison would give his children a chance at a normal life, ITA. Unfortunately, Saint Jason said that if Sonny went to jail, the children would hate Dante.

The idea of Jason going to prison for Sonny is ludicrous and I was thrilled when Claire said NO. I like the way she calls Sonny out, however, I have a feeling this won't last, Sonny will be vindicated, and TPTB will pen a SL in which she falls in love with Sonny and that she was prosecuting him because she is a woman scorned.