BECKY BENES: Gift of message at a dear friend's funeral is the definition of holiness

My greatest gift over the holidays was the message I received at my dear friend's, the Rev. Curtis Halfmann, funeral. The message given at the funeral was a definition of holiness, which was equated to Father Curtis.

This message transformed my life and continues to challenge me.

Even though Father Curtis was one person who really saw me in one of my darkest hours, I never would have used holiness to describe him. My idea of holiness was a man who was meek, quiet, and sitting on the mountain top in constant prayer and meditation. Father Curtis was definitely not that.

He was a fun loving guy, filled with life and vigor. He hunted, fished, sang, told jokes and drank beer. He was the life of the party and being around him was always a gift. He was a man on a mission and willing to do what it took to get things done. He lead marches for social justice, he was the voice of the poor and incarcerated. In my mind, he was a rebel rouser, which is why I loved him. Watching his example gave me the courage to make a stand for what I believe and take action.

The presiding priest defined holiness as being available and approachable.

Father Curtis and interestingly, two other friends who also died in December, David Mayfield and Henry Herman, fit the bill of being available and approachable.

They seemed happy and filled with joy and had a zest for living. Every time I saw anyone of them, they made me feel special. They stopped what they were doing to give me a hug, a kind word and to show interest in my life. They treated me with dignity, respect and honor.

Martin Buber, an Austrian-born philosopher, categorized relationships as either an "I-you" relationship or an "I-it" relationship. For me, all of these men fell into Buber's definition of an "I-you" relationship, which means one where people connect deeply, emphatically and authentically.

Buber wrote, "When two people relate to each other authentically and humanly, God is the electricity that surges between them."

Being authentic, available and approachable evokes a deep sense of connection between people. This is a sacred and holy union — holiness. For me, each of these men evoked such a space of friendship.

This definition of holiness — being approachable, available and authentic — grabbed hold of me and gave me a new and deeper way to observe my life and my relationships. In some areas, I did well; in others, not so good.

I observed my life by asking:

Am I authentic — real, truthful, and myself? In this question, I came up with a strong yes. I used to be a chameleon and changed based on the people I was around; however, over the years as I began to learn how to love myself, I now show up more as me. You basically get what you get.

Am I available? Not always. I noticed that I am physically available to my family, but not necessarily, emotionally available due to distractions — cooking, working, reading, writing, cleaning or texting others. I also realized that as my business grows, I am less available to my friends. Being aware of this allows me the opportunity to re-adjust my schedule and be more present with my family and friends.

Am I approachable? Most of the time. I feel that I am more approachable as I come to terms with my failings and imperfections, and practice being nonjudgmental, accepting, and loving toward others. Interestingly, even though I feel approachable, I realize that my fear of rejection and not being good enough sometimes keeps me from approaching others.

I was saddened to observe my availability and approachability often times fall into Buber's category of the "I-it" relationship, which he describes as one in which people are treated like objects. This happens when I don't connect or make eye contact with another person because I am talking or texting while making a transaction at the bank, in a store, or at an event; watching TV and do not listen to my husband and children; multi-tasking while someone else wants or needs my attention.

We are hard-wired to be in connection and engaged with others so that we can experience the surge of electricity between people Buber defines as God. It is this "God" connection that transforms lives and our world.

I invite you to observe your life and see where you are engaging in "I-it" and "I-you" relationships. Then make adjustments so that you may live a life of holiness — of authenticity, availability and approachability to others. Your smile, kind word, and/or hug could ignite the transforming power of God in someone's life, including your own.

It's something to consider.

Becky Benes, a resident of San Angelo, is a certified business and life coach. Her column appears on the second and fourth Saturday of the month. For more information, go to BeckyJBenes.com.