This Vibrator Looks Like a Nail, Doubles As Jewelry, Has Too Many Uses

When did sex toys become Swiss Army Knives? Like, why do I need my vibrator to sync with my iTunes, double as a jump drive, text my partner when I’m using it, and record the pulsations of my kegels? Am I going to find myself on an impromptu road trip with no music? Do I need to carry my animated GIF collection with me everywhere I take my vibe? Then what’s with the multi-use sex toy trend? Don’t you next-gen app-vibe nerds think you’re being just a wee bit masturbatory with your high-tech sex-ventions?

Look: all I want is a solid design, a variety of buzz patterns and intensities, and functionality that’s innovative for my genitalia, not my life as a whole.

But Crave doesn’t give a shit what I think. They just unveiled the multi-speed Vesper, which is a new — did we mention USB-chargeable, because SO MANY FUNCTIONS — wand that comes in silver-, 24-karat gold-, and rose gold-plated styles to double as a chic necklace. As no one can get enough of pointing out: it looks just like Joan’s pen necklace on Mad Men. As no one has yet to point out: it also looks like a nail. The kind that you hammer. And the way in which one might use it for penetrative stimulation sort of suggests the image of stabbing yourself in the vagina with A NAIL, which some may find terrifying.

Can’t we use sexy science to figure out stuff like how to prevent or undo accidental/drunken/due to a lack of adequate storage options silicone-on-silicone mangling? And then after we rescue our tired, our poor, our huddled masses of dildos yearning to breathe free without disfigurement, we can focus on making sex toys that fly us to Mars?