482: Wife complaining of husband’s mistreatment

My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years, and we have very young
children. My love for my husband has greatly decreased since we got married,
because of his behaviour. He has a very bad temper, which he has no control
over. When something makes him angry, he hits me. It cannot be called beating,
and he never hits me on the face, but he hits me hard enough to leave a mark. This
has happened many times in our marriage, but it is not every day. We are aware of
the three steps that Allah has told the husband to follow in such situations but, as I
said, my husband has no control over his anger. This is what is causing the
problem. I have borne my husband’s anger with patience up to this time, which I
do sometimes out of love, but also out of fear. Because of this prolonged situation
I have become afraid of him. I feel resentment towards my husband which is
causing more problems because my husband does not like the way I talk to him,
because I have lost patience and feel that I am being treated unfairly. He has hit me
many times in front of the kids, and even when I have been holding them. The
older child is starting to copy his father and act out his anger on me. What can I
do to stop his behaviour (please don’t say not to make him angry), apart from
more patience? What can I do with this resentment that I feel towards him? I have
tried to forgive him but my heart has been hurt too many times. His behaviour and
my bad feelings are tearing our marriage apart. Allah knows best if we should stay
together or not. And if we stay together, what is the best way to stop this
behaviour and this cycle of bad feelings?

Praise be to Allaah,

There is no doubt that the problem you have described is very sad and painful. First of all let
me say that there is no alternative to turning to Allah, for He is the One Who makes a way out
of every difficult situation. The following are a few points of advice:

· Your husband needs someone to advise him - look around for a suitable person to do this.
· Avoid making him angry (although you asked me not to say this, I cannot avoid giving this
advice). Again, avoid making him angry as much as you can.
· Whoever sees the problems of others will see his or her own problem in perspective. There
are husbands who beat their wives on the face, and injure them and break their bones; some
kick their wives out of the house in the middle of the night and lock them out; others do not
give their wives a penny, and even take their money and jewelry; some eat outside the house
and never bring food home for their wives and children, leaving them to beg from their
neighbors; others drink alcohol, take drugs, and bring prostitutes to the house. Some do not
recognize Allah at all; they do not even know the direction of the qiblah. I myself have dealt
with these and other cases involving the problems suffered by wives; these examples are not
made up. Perhaps looking at the problems of others and putting things into perspective will
offer some consolation and make you feel better.
· Think about your husband’s positive aspects - his religion or his relationship with you or his
spending, or the fact that he does not hit you on the face, and so on. Perhaps this will help to
reduce your negative feelings towards him.
· Remember that what you are suffering is a test, one of the trials that Allah decrees for
whomever He wills in this life, to see how people will behave. So face it with patience and the
hope of earning reward. The Prophet
(Peace & Blessings of Allaah be upon Him) said: "How wonderful is the situation of the believer, for
everything is good for him, and this applies only to the believer. If something good happens to
him, he gives thanks for it, and this is good for him; if something bad befalls him, he bears it
with patience, and this is also good for him." (reported by Muslim, may Allah have mercy on him, in
al-Saheeh, no. 2999).
· Think about the tragedy of divorce and what would happen to the family in this case. A wise
woman may put up with something bad in order to avoid something even worse, because some
evils are less than others.
· Write him a letter, reminding him of the Prophet’s advice concerning women, e.g., ". . . Be
kind to women, for they are your prisoners and you have no rights over them other than that. If
they are guilty of clear immoral misconduct, then avoid them in their beds, and beat them, but
not severely. If they then obey you, do not seek means of annoying them, for you have rights
over your wives and they have rights over you. Your rights over your wives are that they should
not allow anyone you dislike in your bed, and they should not let anyone whom you dislike
enter your house. Their rights over you are that you should treat them well with regard to
clothing and food." (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, no. 1163; he said: this is a saheeh hasan hadith.)
· The Prophet
(Peace & Blessings of Allaah be upon Him) said: "Many women have come to the family of Muhammad, complaining about
their husbands. Those (husbands) are not the best among you. (Reported by Abu Dawud, no. 2146).
If he becomes angry and hits you hard, wait until he calms down, then provoke his pity by
saying words such as "Is this how you treat the mother of your children and the one who is
closest to you?" and showing him the mark left by his blow, so that he can see with his own
eyes what his hand has done. Also, remind him that oppression is haraam, and that Allah is able
to deal with him. Then disappear and leave him to think things over. In most cases, if the
husband has any shred of decency and real character, and religious sensitivity, he will
apologize.
· Some marital problems can only be resolved with the passage of time, as the number of
children increases and they grow up, and the husband grows to love them even more. This
makes the wife more precious to him too, as he sees her as the one who is bringing up and
protecting his children. As he also increases in maturity and in his understanding of the realities
of life, he will realize the evil of what he has done and his behaviour will improve, so he will
stop doing some of the things he used to do. Hoping for improvement is a good thing: people
live on hope.
· Supplication (du‘aa’) is the refuge of the believer. How many times, I wonder, have you
prayed to Allah to reform your husband? Persist in du‘aa’ and seek ways of making Allah
respond.