I hate Manchester United. I hate everything about the club. Their victory and joy brings me nothing but pain and misery. Here's why I'll be supporting Barcelona...

Arrogant fans, arrogant players, arrogant manager and the press wrapped around their little finger, surely, every other football fan in England feels slightly sick whenever seeing anyone even loosely affiliated with the club?

This evening, Manchester United will line up against an equally reprehensible Barcelona team in the UEFA Champions League final.

The British press will lubricate themselves sufficiently in the game’s build up by telling us that for one night Manchester United are representing England, and we should want them to beat those arrogant Catalans, those cheats from Barcelona. Then should Manchester United win, that lube will come in handy as they all invite Fergie to stick whatever he wants wherever, in a pathetic attempt to get the post-victory exclusive.

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Well, I urge you all to resist this unity and remember what a hateful collection of assorted terminal illness Manchester United are. If you need further convincing, please read the five reasons why I will be supporting Barcelona this evening.

Wayne Rooney

Is there an athlete with less class than Wayne Rooney? He cheats on the pitch, he cheats on his wife, he clearly has total contempt for his own fans (why else would he have sworn down a camera at the world cup or held United to ransom for more money?) and he is violent. I lost any respect I had for this man the day his kissed his United badge in front of the Everton fans. What a complete tool. I hope he dies alone in floods of tears.

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Scrap that, I’ve never met a United fan that lives within 100 miles of Old Trafford

Alex Ferguson

An excellent manager and clearly a very clever man, how else has he managed to hoodwink the United supporters that he even remotely cares about them? Alex Ferguson cares about one man. He backs the Glazers, bullies his players, bullies the world’s national coaches and treats anyone who isn’t willing to sing from his hymn sheet (Kenny Dalglish, BBC, Ian Holloway) like total scum.

The sycophantic media

Although it’s true that Liverpool, Spurs and Arsenal have more cheerleaders represented in football punditry, any journalist who wants to keep their job knows that to criticise Fergie can only result in one thing - alienation from Manchester United and no access to any of their players or staff.

The ‘Theatre of Dreams'

Old Trafford has the worst atmosphere of any stadium in the UK, including the Emirates. I’ve been as an away fan and as a neutral in the home seats and at each of these games the atmosphere has been woeful. People don’t know the songs, don’t know each other and look awkward as they’re probably worried some northerner will nick their wallet. The pitch is crap too.

The fans

Manchester United have the worst supporters in Europe, fact. I know it’s a cliche to say it, but I’ve never met a Mancunian United fan. Scrap that, I’ve never met a United fan that lives within 100 miles of Old Trafford. Actually, scrap that again, most Manchester United fans I meet have been to Old Trafford fewer times than me. This argument is always met with “well, the players don’t all come from Manchester”.

Fine, believe that if you want, but are you seriously telling me that living in the South East, never going to any games and bowling around in a United shirt gives you anything like the connection to the club that playing for it does?

What memories do you have of the club? What does the club ‘mean’ to you? Answer me these questions with genuine sincerity (and I will not accept that your family support them you pathetic drongos) and we shall take it from there. Failing that, tell me who the 3 managers before Fergie were without using Wikipedia.