~ Theatre, Feminism & Poetry.

How to Make Your Own Ugly Christmas Sweater

Katy Perry’s ugly Christmas sweater is Dolce and Gabbana. But yours doesn’t have to be.

Christmas is almost upon us. And although I know many ugly Christmas sweater parties have already occurred, I offer up this crafty primer for those who still have a soirée of this nature to attend and have waited until the last minute.

Step 1: Choose your sweater.

Head into your local thrift store and find a sweater that fits you and is red, green, gold, silver or white. If there are any ugly Christmas sweaters left, grab one of those.

Step 2: Choose your embellishments.

Basically, anything that you can somehow attach to your sweater is fair game. Think outside the box. That ziplock bag full of plastic snowflakes for $1.50? Sold! The tackier the better. Look in both the Christmas section and also the craft section. Ornaments, Christmas lights, Santa hats, stuffed animals, glitter pens, the sky’s the limit!

Step 3: Choose your adhesive(s).

Now, I am not a seamstress. But I can sew a button back on after it’s fallen off. If you grab a needle and thread (the color of the sweater), a hot glue gun and duct tape, you should be able to stick your trashy Christmas bling onto your sweater.

Step 4: Assemble your masterpiece.

I suggest alcohol for this step. Down a glass of your favorite wine, beer or cocktail to lubricate and encourage your creative spirit to come out to play. Try not to burn or prick your fingers and go nuts.

Step 5: It’s all about presentation.

Now that you’ve assembled your ugly Christmas sweater, it’s all about how you wear it. Garish Christmas-colored make-up and accessories are encouraged. (Bonus points for rocking a side ponytail secured by a scrunchy.)

Step 6: Have fun.

This should go without saying, but your efforts in assembling your ugly sweater are all for naught if you don’t have any fun at the party. Even if you don’t win the ugly sweater contest, you have created a couture Christmas garment that will prevent you from having to race around finding an ugly Christmas sweater ever again.