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7 Kinky Upgrades for Your Sex Life

You want to be more adventurous in bed—sure, but the mere thought of exploring the world of kink can be enough to make you cringe. (Where does one start?)

Here’s the thing: Most women conceive “kink” as way more intense than what it really entails, says Vanessa Marin, a psychotherapist and sex therapist. “A lot of women feel intimidated because they associate it all with the hardcore stuff,” Marin says. “But there are many different levels, some of which are quite tame,” she adds. Even good girls have fantasies, says dating coach and sexpert, Laurel House. And if you’re into exploring—to any extent!—upping the ante in bed can even improve your relationship. It opens you up to new sides of yourself you didn’t know existed.

So back to that “How do I start?” question. Here, seven less scary, more exhilarating ways to heat things up—starting tonight!

Hanky Spanky

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The kink: Spanking

Why it’s hot: Giving your guy permission to be a little rough with you is letting go of control. Slight pain (emphasis on the slight!) can also increase the intensity of your orgasm, according to a study at Northern Illinois University in DeKalb. “You can make spanking even more fun by encouraging your guy to also lightly pull your hair,” Marin says. “Even if he’s gentle, you’ll still feel a rush from the added stimulation.”

How to do it: Next time he’s behind you in bed, lean back and tell him that you want him to lightly spank you. You can say in your best bedroom voice, “Will you spank me next time you push? But not too hard!” He’ll be surprised—and probably thrilled—while you’ll get turned on by the rise in adrenaline!

Toy Land

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The kink: Sex toys

Why it’s hot: Introducing sex toys into the bedroom can be a little intimidating for men —he may think you’re dissing his manhood! But making it a conversation and picking couple-themed toys, like these from Jimmy Jane, or these that promise good vibrations can help ease that tension. This can be a bonding experience that simultaneously enhances pleasure for both partners, says sexpert Dr. Sonjia.

How to do it: If you feel uncomfortable admitting that you’ve been thinking about sex toys, reference Fifty Shades of Grey (hey, the trailer just came out!) and the scene where Mr. Grey gives Anastasia a sex toy. House says this will open up a discussion and then you can decide together what to buy: “Talk about what toys seem fun to test out,” she says. “If you don’t like it, you never have to do it again, so you might as well try.”

Play a Part

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The kink: Role playing or stripping

Why it’s hot: After you’ve been dating for a while—and it seems like you know every nook and cranny of his body—role playing or stripping is an easy, inexpensive way to turn one another on. “You don’t have to make up elaborate scenes. Even wearing super-high stiletto heels or revealing lingerie can make you feel like you’re tapping into a different side of your sexual identity,” Marin says.

How to do it: When you’re getting ready to do the deed, spend some extra time in the bathroom before bed. He’ll wonder what’s taking you so long. When you come out, be dressed as something easy to play, like a nurse, a teacher, or a massage therapist. Sonija votes for the latter as a great first role play for beginners: “Since massages involve lots of touching, giving or receiving one that leads to a sexual experience isn't hard to do. This specific role play can also fulfill the fantasy of cheating on your partner with a masseuse, which is a popular fantasy for many adults.”

Get Handsy

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The kink: Masturbating in front of him

Why it’s hot: There is nothing a good man loves more than making sure you’re getting off. Except maybe watching his sexy girlfriend, get off all by herself. There’s a slew of health benefits associated with masturbation, ranging from better cervical health to pain relief, says Sonjia. Even more: “If you know how to satisfy yourself, you can show your partner how to hit your hot spots, which will improve sexual satisfaction for both,” Sonjia says.

How to do it: When your guy starts to finger you, whisper in his ear, “I love when you touch me there, but we have a new game for tonight: I can touch me, but you can’t.” Your initiative will turn him on and watching you finish might even getting you both ready for round two.

Take It Outside

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The kink: Having sex in public

Why it’s hot: Breaking out of your sex routine creates new energy and chemistry—plus, you’ll have to work together not to get caught, and work fast to reach climax. “Having sex in a different place means new positions, new angles of penetration, and new pleasures. Plus, new experiences ignite excitement, which rejuvenates romantic passion,” says Sonjia.

How to do it: On your next date night, slyly excuse yourself to the bathroom and take off your panties (or just bring a spare pair, if you’re uncomfortable). When you get back, slide the pair into your guy’s hand (warn him not to hold it up!) and tell him you have to have him on the way home. If you’re driving, pull over in a secluded area and go at it. If you’re walking, look for a hidden area off the street and make it fast. Your lack of undies will make it easier—and really turn him on!

Why it’s hot: Your guy knows that you like that thing that he does—but have you ever told him? Sometimes men (and women) need to hear the dirty details to add an extra spark to the normal bedroom monologue. It also opens the door to revealing your fantasies to one another, allowing you to experiment more in the future. If your feel anxious or silly about it, House recommends the book 101 Nights of Great Sex by Laura Corn.

How to do it: “Play around using ‘naughty’ words during sex,” Marin says. “Use the words that normally feel a little off-limits to you, like ‘your dick’ or ‘your pussy’ or ‘go deeper, baby’, then try being more explicit about what you want.”

Why it’s hot: Sure, porn can be unrealistic, but watching professionals do the deed can open up the conversation about what you want to do more often, or what you want to try. “It's also scientifically proven that the sound of a female having an orgasm turns everyone on, regardless of gender or sexual orientation,” says Sonjia.

How to do it: Log on to a free porn site like xvideos.com and pick a video that you both agree on (you can read reviews and go by star-ratings). You can watch naked in case you get in the mood and ask pointed questions throughout the scenes like, “Does that turn you on?” or “Would you like me to do that to you?” advises Sonjia.