Friday, March 9, 2012

You got toilet paper down there

This upcoming boudoir shoot has been on my mind constantly; probably just as much as my dieting has.I really want to do it – but I really want to look good doing it too.I find myself thinking of anything and everything that one might notice on these pics; such as stretch marks and weird moles…..or toilet paper.

Explanation necessary.

So, I have this friend.For blogging purposes, we’ll call her…..Sasha.My friend is a cross between Samantha Jones (from Sex and The City) and Karen Walker (from Will and Grace).My friend is very pretty (like both of these women) a professional business woman (like both of these women) and probably has the best style of anyone I know or can think of (like both of these women).She enjoys her wine (like Karen Walker) and her men (like Samantha Jones).Now, she’s not a drunk whore by any means…..more like she’s the kind of gal – who – after drinking some wine – might feel inclined to bust out in an impromptu strip-tease for her man as he’s watching the election results come in on Super Tuesday.I can’t confirm that ever happened; I’m just using that as an example.She has an impressive job and an even more impressive boyfriend, but would not hesitate to come out with me and judge the drag show contest at the Habana Inn.I’ve seen her drive a Mercedes and I’ve seen her squat piss over a broken toilet in a restroom at the Red Dawwg (strip club).She’s that girl.

I feel it’s important to really get a good visual image of my friend before you get a really good visual image of what happened to her.

Back in her single days – she was dating a guy we’ll call Copper.Seriously – that’s what we really called him.The one thing that you need know about Copper is that he sounded exactly like Forrest Gump and that is no joke.The first time I heard him speak, I almost wanted to shout at him, “RUN COPPER RUN!!”And it wasn’t like he was a sweet, but slightly remedial guy.He had a professional job and was relatively cultured, but for some reason, sounded just like Forrest Gump.

I feel it’s important to really get a good visual image of him before you get a really good visual image of what he said to her.

So, one night – as she was enjoying some wine – she was feeling a little feisty and decided to give him a call.Now, I only heard the conversation paraphrased from her later, but I think it went something like:

Sasha:Hey – tomorrow night – I’m coming over and there will be hot sex and there will be a video camera; oh yeah – you better get ready.

Or something along those lines.

So, the next night – after the wine had worn off – a very sober Sasha went over to Copper’s house.

Well, of course Sasha had forgotten about one of her two promises she had made…..but he hadn’t.As she was sitting down – chilaxn – Copper walks by her….dropping a video camera in her lap and says:

So, the scene is set.The video camera is on and actually hooked up to the TV, so that the movie can be previewed as it is being filmed.Music is playing and the wine has been drunk.It is go time.

Now, it’s important to mention right now a very small, but critical detail.Sasha requires corrective lenses.And of course – unless you’re playing a hot school teacher or sadistically sexual accountant, glasses are a no-go. So, off they go and off goes Sasha to the bathroom to take a Final. Potty. Break.

Sasha and Copper – take 1!

So, again – this was all paraphrased from her later, but I guess there was some kissing and some undressing and then someone laying down on the bed.And then someone else was slowly going downward, and downward, and down some more.And the music is blaring, “Bow-chica-wow-wow”, and the lighting is low, and the camera is recording – which is broadcasted in big screen – and then…….

a subtle pause….as Forrest Gump says – in his Forrest Gump voice……..

“You got toilet paper down there.”

Broadcasted in big screen.

CUT!!!!!!

Now as Sasha is telling me this, I’m finding myself completely mortified for her, but cannot quite get the words of sympathy out because I am laughing my ass off at picturing her scrambling off the bed and trying to turn the video camera off.I’m seeing a naked Sasha yelling, ‘CUT, CUT!’as she’s running full tilt towards the camera and then fumbling around - trying to turn it off – all the while, saying things like, “I can’t believe you just said that – on camera.How do you turn this f-ing thing off?I can’t believe I agreed to do this.THERE IS NO WAY I’M DOING THIS NOW!Well, no way I’m doing it tonight.Well, I don’t know; give me some more wine.

And even more crazy - is all that’s running through my head is:

How much toilet paper are we talking here?Like a little speck?It wasn’t like a trail coming down her leg, was it?

How did she not notice it when she was in the bathroom?Oh yeah, she had taken her glasses off.

Was it really necessary for him to say something?Couldn’t he have just flicked it aside or something?

I’m clearly distracted and intrigued by the details of this porn outtake.

I probably would’ve had to break up with the guy after that…because there was no way I could ever see the guy’s face again.

But not Sasha.

Not only did she rewind and re-record, but she told me later that when they watched the video, she looked awesome…and he looked pale.And in the parts where he held the camera and focused it downward, his pale gut was bulging out and was actually in the way!