Chasing Down The Iron Chef Chairman

Everyone knows "The Chairman" and the entire concept of Iron Chef America is made up. It's just a TV show and he's just an actor, right?Or is he?

Iron Chef America is without doubt one of the most theatrical shows on Food Network, complete with knife slice sound effects, melodramatic music, and plumes of mysterious fog. It's basically Phantom of the Opera plus food.

What it lacks in campy, English dubbed voiceovers—a mainstay on the original Iron Chef—it makes up for with the presence of Good Eats host and expert food commentator and the subject of countless "man crushes", Alton Brown. And of course, the dapper Chairman, who we're told is the nephew of the original Japanese chairman.

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While most theater involves some willing suspension of disbelief, I'm starting to think that the theater of our fair Kitchen Stadium and the Chairman himself might be a little more real than we thought.

Let me explain.

As a treat for this first post, I attempted to score an interview with The Chairman himself, commonly referred to as "actor and martial arts expert Mark Dacascos." Sadly, my Barbara Walters-esque dream of interviewing one of the top Food Network celebs was squandered when my BlackBerry buzzed with a response from Food Network:

"Sorry, The Chairman doesn't do interviews."

Well that sucks, I thought to myself as I wiped a single tear from my eye. I guess Mr. Dacascos just doesn't have the time to grant interviews. Must be too busy with the martial arts and stuff. Lots of action movies being shot on the streets of New York.

Wait a second! Did the PR rep at Food Network just refer to him as "The Chairman?" Could it be that this little slipup inadvertently revealed the secret many of us wished to be true all along... that The Chairman really is the nephew of the original chairman (he was definitely a real chairman, right?) and not just some actor and karate star?

Think about it: have you ever seen "Mark Dacascos" outside of Kitchen Stadium? Any photos ever surface of him walking into a gas station to grab a few Slim Jims and a bag of Cheetos? No! Thus, The Chairman must be real and this whole "Mark Dacascos" nonsense just must be an elaborate cover up on Food Network's part. There's no other explanation. In fact, I'll take the liberty of updating the Wikipedia page right now (you're welcome!) and begin alerting the food media and members of the audience as to his true identity.

Mr. Chairman: I hope you read this. Perhaps you'll find it in your heart to break your rule and grant this lowly blogger the chance to interview you. Until then, I'll be waiting with an open heart and an empty stomach.