An Elephant Tale!

One night, many years ago, in my Preload days, I was unloading a feeder with my friend Don. He lifted a wooden crate that weighed 70 lbs (our weight limit back then). It was addressed to the nearby Tampax factory. This was our conversation:

“What the hell is Tampax getting this time?”“Elephant tampon”“Elephant tampons? Come on now”“I’m serious”“A case of elephant tampons?”“No, a case with an elephant tampon”“Go on, you’re full of ****. I never heard such a thing”“Of course not. They don’t advertise all their stuff. You’re not gonna see a Tampax elephant tampon commercial on TV. Not many elephants watch TV. A friend of mine works in quality control there and she told me all about them”“Really?”“Yeah. Think about it. Elephants are mammals. Mammals have periods. Thus elephants have periods. It’s a big mess and not a pretty sight. Tampax saw the market and now have it cornered. If you go to the zoo or circus, you never see an elephant having a period. It’s not good PR. Suppose a little kid sees an elephant during her time. It could have a traumatizing effect on them. ‘Daddy, what’s wrong with the elephant? Mommy look! The elephant is dying!’”“I never thought about that”“She told me that they just developed one with an eyebolt. They just hook up a cable and effortlessly winch it out. The old ones had a rope. They would sedate the elephant and four or five guys would play tug of war with it.”“What does she do?”“She’s in QC. She runs tests on used product. Women hired as testers send them in by the mail. The big ones come via UPS”“You mean…..”“Why do you think it weighs so much? Pop it out, wrap it up and send it off. We’re performing a vital service”“Ewwwww!”

A supervisor in the background was listening in the whole time. He fought hard to keep from laughing. Towards the end he almost his pants!

Once upon a time in a land far away lived a beautiful maiden princess with golden hair. Her name was Princess AJ. She was being held captive by an evil, one eyed, fire breathing center manager. He worked her long hours and treated her miserably.

Princess AJ was in deep despair. Every night she hoped that a knight in shining armor would come to her rescue. One night she saw a falling star and made a wish to be rescued. Maybe, she hoped, this was a good omen.

The next day, through the morning mist, a knight could be seen in the distance approaching the center. It was Sir Big Babooba riding his faithful cat Oreo. The evil, one eyed, fire breathing center manager tried to turn him away.

Sir Big Babooba continued on. He knew he had to save the fair maiden princess. When the evil, one eyed, fire breathing center manager threatened him with a warning letter, he pulled out his DIAD. He scanned the center manager's eyes and blinded him. He then whacked him in the side of the head with it, knocking him out cold. He turned to Oreo and nodded. Oreo made a quick meal out of him.

He knocked the door to the center down with his old battle axe (no, not his ex wife!). He rushed inside the building and found the fair maiden Princess AJ. He took her into his arms. "My hero!", she swooned and kissed him on the cheek, "How can I ever repay you?".

Sir Big Babooba got a glimmer in his eye. He smiled and reached under the chest plate of his armor. He pulled out a damp bath towel and started to wind it up. He chased her off into the sunset followed by his ever faithful Oreo, wagging his tail in approval.

"My hero!", she swooned and kissed him on the cheek, "How can I ever repay you?".

Sir Big Babooba got a glimmer in his eye. He smiled and reached under the chest plate of his armor. He pulled out a damp bath towel and started to wind it up. He chased her off into the sunset followed by his ever faithful Oreo, wagging his tail in approval.

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I am still breathing heavy from being chased!!

Sir Big, I begth of ye. Allow thy princess to catch thy aire.
Have ye be working out thyn royale gym?

(What else do you do for the Queen? or should I ask...What don't you do for her?)

Is her royale bath drawn by you, Sir D?

Has his Royale Highness, the King, challenged you to a joust?

Do you taste her food before it is presented to her and her joint table with the King?

Do you take her in her private chambers?

Do you tighten her corset and roll the silk stockings along her royal gams?

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Truth. It is with heavy hand, the Queen lays upon my soul.
But the Queen dare not cause my heart to sir. Tis beyond her grasp.
Another causes it's flutter, it's strong warrior's beat.
She is warm sunshine upon my chambers cold stone walls. My next breath now has reason, purpose to be.
A single candles flame burns late into the twilight as I lay ink to parchment. I soar above the dank, dark dungeon that imprisons me.
To a meadow, with another, free.

Once upon a time in a land far away lived a beautiful maiden princess with golden hair. Her name was Princess AJ. She was being held captive by an evil, one eyed, fire breathing center manager. He worked her long hours and treated her miserably.

Princess AJ was in deep despair. Every night she hoped that a knight in shining armor would come to her rescue. One night she saw a falling star and made a wish to be rescued. Maybe, she hoped, this was a good omen.

The next day, through the morning mist, a knight could be seen in the distance approaching the center. It was Sir Big Babooba riding his faithful cat Oreo. The evil, one eyed, fire breathing center manager tried to turn him away.

Sir Big Babooba continued on. He knew he had to save the fair maiden princess. When the evil, one eyed, fire breathing center manager threatened him with a warning letter, he pulled out his DIAD. He scanned the center manager's eyes and blinded him. He then whacked him in the side of the head with it, knocking him out cold. He turned to Oreo and nodded. Oreo made a quick meal out of him.

He knocked the door to the center down with his old battle axe (no, not his ex wife!). He rushed inside the building and found the fair maiden Princess AJ. He took her into his arms. "My hero!", she swooned and kissed him on the cheek, "How can I ever repay you?".

Sir Big Babooba got a glimmer in his eye. He smiled and reached under the chest plate of his armor. He pulled out a damp bath towel and started to wind it up. He chased her off into the sunset followed by his ever faithful Oreo, wagging his tail in approval.

They lived happily ever after.

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I am very pleased with the story. I think you could have found a way for Oreo's apprentice , Smokey, to play the part of a hero coming of age and contributing to the rescue.

I also feel an addition in needed. Something along the lines of Big Babooba and his fair lass trying to get back to the fair land of Mass only to have the way blocked by the minions of the evil center manager. Instead they head west and end up in the boundaries of the fiefdom of the duke of upstatenewYork. They are pleased to be offered shelter and also pleased to meet his new wife Jennivere. When the evil minions arrive and lay siege to the castle, the minions are defeated and killed due to the numerous posts(with protruding barbs) that the duke of upstatenewYork is able to quickly manufacture and throw over the castle walls at the minions.

I am very pleased with the story. I think you could have found a way for Oreo's apprentice , Smokey, to play the part of a hero coming of age and contributing to the rescue.

I also feel an addition in needed. Something along the lines of Big Babooba and his fair lass trying to get back to the fair land of Mass only to have the way blocked by the minions of the evil center manager. Instead they head west [-]and end up in the boundaries of the fiefdom of the duke of upstatenewYork. They are pleased to be offered shelter and also pleased to meet his new wife Jennivere. When the evil minions arrive and lay siege to the castle, the minions are defeated and killed due to the numerous posts(with protruding barbs) that the duke of upstatenewYork is able to quickly manufacture and throw over the castle walls at the minions.[/-]

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NAY jester Pickup, the the territories of Upstate are not good enough for Sir Big and the Princess AJ. That is a foul and unfertile land and the Duke is of questionable honor. Sir Big and the Princess AJ move west, they move west where there is open land and beautiful skies. Where a man does not have to answer to a Duke or any other pretender. They move to the real west.

NAY jester Pickup, the the territories of Upstate are not good enough for Sir Big and the Princess AJ. That is a foul and unfertile land and the Duke is of questionable honor. Sir Big and the Princess AJ move west, they move west where there is open land and beautiful skies. Where a man does not have to answer to a Duke or any other pretender. They move to the real west.

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And I sayest nay to you, evil sorceress, and to your false fables of this bountiful land of the west. This is nothing but an attempt to add more subjects to be under your burdensome rule. I hope the moderators strickest your post lest anyone fall for this ruse. The land of which thou speakest is a land of unbearable heat, and also one of a bitter harvest consisting only of dill weed, named disparagingly after the one whose name shall not be mentioned but better known as the wicked witch of the west.

And I sayest nay to you, evil sorceress, and to your false fables of this bountiful land of the west. This is nothing but an attempt to add more subjects to be under your burdensome rule. I hope the moderators strickest your post lest anyone fall for this ruse. The land of which thou speakest is a land of unbearable heat, and also one of a bitter harvest consisting only of dill weed, named disparagingly after the one whose name shall not be mentioned but better known as the wicked witch of the west.

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Nay, jester. There is no sorcery here. Only the truth. And I have proof of the truth that I speak. Yes dear jester it is hot here, but it is not unbearable and I know that Sir Big does not like the constant rain in the lands of the east.

And shouldn't the moderators be as strict of your posts lest any fall prey to thee.

Nay, jester. There is no sorcery here. Only the truth. And I have proof of the truth that I speak. Yes dear jester it is hot here, but it is not unbearable and I know that Sir Big does not like the constant rain in the lands of the east.

Indeed, there is a grain of truth to thy yarn
and likest the devil , whom thoust serve
you take the truth and add a curve.

For the heat is only bearable due to the sorcery strange that thou dost employ, harnessing magic lightening to power the strange devices your trolls did make. I believest these contrivances might be called air conditioners, but if truth be served, they would be rightly called inducers to slavery. For not only do they sap the heat out of the air, but suckest the very essences of thine subject's souls, leaving them unfit to question thine evil rule let alone develop the will to flee from thine wicked dominion.

And shouldn't the moderators be as strict of your posts lest any fall prey to thee.

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As for that here is what I have to say about that post:

The post is made, yet I sit and wait
for the duke has yet to take the bait.

ahh, such wisdom displayed in electing such a signature line. Indeed , some quests are better left unaided.
Be thou aware, for the evil witch of the west does disparage thy good name
If an ill wind blow from the west, surely she will be the one to blame.

fethrs, oh fethrs, of you , I must say
In this, a great role thou dost play
for though it is true
you are under the wicked witch's rule
her power is limited
due to the things thou dost do.
For with every crystal necklace
thou dost make
it causes the earth not to shake
tsunamis will never inundate thee
as long as thou continue working with agate
whilst Kevin and jemina continue to blow
With sugilite and archangel michael
they will cause you no woe
The fires that now pillage some of thine land
will not touch the house in which thou dost stand
For protection against the sorceress
you are the key
that allows love, hope and
prosperity.

The jester hath spoken.
Hearken to my words well
for those who wilst not listen
will suffer in hell.