Monday, 27 July 2015

I can feel the stresses and strains and angst and worries evaporate as I sit and start to breathe more slowly. I allow myself the freedom to have complete peace and acceptance. I have taught myself to switch off because it has never been easy trait for me. It has taken years of training and I've had work to learn the habit of relaxation. I sometimes have to concentrate hard to empty my mind but I can do it. If I try hard enough. If I am in the right place. mentally and geographically. I don't need to talk it through, I need to let it go.Recently, I have worked harder than before to delete the confusion and pain that I allowed to tarnish my simple life. It seemed ironic that my insistence on only walking downuncomplicated paths since my mother died, led me to a more scrambled route adding more anxiety and frustrations with every step that I took. The more I tried to calm it, the more it became a conflict. It was as though the drummers started drumming and the background noise became deafening. I had to silence it because once the chaos left me, the noise remained. It is now over. I feel still and the craziness of an out of time orchestra is back in tune with a rhythm I can follow quietly. It makes sense. You cannot whistle to a tune that you don't know. You will never hum to a song that you don't know well enough and I don't want to dance with anyone who doesn't want to move.

The gentle breeze is cooling my skin as I sit here feeling quite shattered. I am blessed that I am able to be in beautiful surroundings without any memory of being here before. My girls are happy. My friends are making me smile and I am reminded yet again that the simplest things in my life are the ones that are right at my feet. The cockerel crows, the farmer is working the land below with a rhythmic whirring sound, the crickets are quietly starting their day and an old friend barks across the valley. The sun is yet to appear but the stone underfoot will soon be warm. It is going to be the most beautiful day.

Saturday, 25 July 2015

So it rained. I think it actually rained all day long. I went to work briefly and the girls played with their friends and then we came home. It rained some more. I think it was the worst weather on a summers day that I can remember for a very long time. Except it wasn't so bad for us. I cleaned out the freezer, tidied some drawers and made piles of what to take to Spain. And then did some online banking. I'm not very good at it but I had to find something urgently so I had little choice. In doing this simple task, I discovered that I hadn't been paid. I hadn't been paid by four people. One was intentional, the other was a genuine mistake, the third was an over-sight and the fourth.. I think the fourth was out of post-relationship anger. I was surprised not to see the payments but we'll see. We all make mistakes and one of them was a genuine one although it was 3 weeks late. The married man and I were meant to go to a concert together and because we spilt up and he danced the night away with old friends instead, he said he'd reimburse me the forty quid. Am I being gullible as well as stupid? Perhaps because we are no longer together, he thought that it wasn't necessary to pay back what he owed. Is this how life works? He knows that I won't and cannot chase him for it although I have emailed him politely. I'm hoping a gentle nudge will put the credit back my way. It's my money after all.

My point is that even on the wettest day of the year so far and discovering that I have less than I thought and what I am owed is still pending, the girls and I tucked under a rug, lit the fire, popped on a dvd and sat still. It was simply lovely. Cost me nothing. The surround sound system that I absurdly feel is essential to my life and good film watching ensured that we were all mesmerised by the quality movie and what astounds me from time to time is how simple my life is now. So guess what? We're doing it all again this afternoon. With the most irritating of irritations, it seems that deep down, I'm not bothered. Life and time and motherhood is what counts to me. Not spite or greed. Funny, there seems to be a pattern. I have the ability to delete the fat cats and never look back.

This following track is one of the songs my girls sang in the school choir. It's on the money. The money that 2 men think isn't needed. I guess as I sit next to my girls, there isn't a price that could be put on what we have. That's priceless.

Friday, 24 July 2015

A small family of three might seem silly to some. Add on the paternal side of one and a handful (plus 2) of very good friends and we have a family unit that I wouldn't swap for the world. My girls want my friends to be 'family' so I agree that they are because they love us. They stand by us. They put up with us. They never falter even if they have their own shit to deal with or when they go quiet. I am learning that real friends are real friends. Regardless of anything else. Working hard, playing a little and sleeping a lot is how I live my life. I am about to be with smiling lovely people for a whole week. Not a single reason to get stressed or sad. All I know is that I can be me, for real with these people. No broken eggshells to tiptoe on or remarks or comments to worry about when they're not said or implied. No trouble or problems. Real, honest, fun, happy faces in the sun. All of us will dance. All of us will love each other. Genuine and absolute. It is like lift off will leave all the bullshit below. Flying somewhere that I call home only because it feels like one. No whisperings or pretence. No angst or concerns apart from the arrival time of the bakery man or whether the donkey has enough water.

My girls have an amazing family. As do I.

Without my girls or my friends, I couldn't listen to this song without complete certainty that my life is exactly as it should be. Amen and Thank God. Peace.

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Schools out. We broke up. We cheered, we laughed, we hugged our friends 'Goodbye' and then we had a massive family fight. Nell yelled, Mary shouted and I stopped the car. We drove on in silence. Summer started with a sulk and a strop. I was sad. We walked into the house. They dumped bags. I let the dogs out. And then I turned the radio up. Really, really loud. The tune playing made us all dance. Not a word was spoken. We just danced. And laughed. We danced because we can and we laughed because we love each other. True, real and proper love. I looked at them shaking their thing, waving their arms and cracking their smiles and I grinned as I bumped and grinded loving my girls and silently promising that nothing or no one would ever come between us ever again. We work as we are. And, forgive the honesty if a little big-headed but we are great. I have at least 6 people that right now, on the spot would high five me for admitting that. In fact, make that 7.

Treat yourself. Join our family dance. Turn the volume up or off. Depending on who you are. If you're one of the seven, I want to thank you very much from the bottom of my heart for helping me stand up and walk forwards over the last month.

Wednesday, 15 July 2015

One daughter stood in our kitchen and played her flute after only one term of lessons and the other one played a duet in the school musical concert. I am so proud of them and I'm a little bit proud of me for having the gumption to put them forwards to play something and join in and try and stand up and speak out.. Mary, aged 7 (yes she is still only 7- form teacher take note) loves her friends and is always cheerful. Two things that could have been mentioned in her school report. That, and the fact that she survived a car collision with only a fractured skull but would take ONE YEAR to heal properly. She is doing better than I ever thought she would as I sat next to her unconscious body for 7 hours in the JR hospital last October. Alone. My best friend a phone call away but I was alone. She was sick. She was really bloody sick and I couldn't care less if she can speak Spanish, hold a debate or recognise different trees in Latin (which she will if her father is anything to go by) because she's alive. That's it.Nell is simply lovely until she kicks me or her sister in the shin but today, I was proud of her for her courage and determination to play her violin in public. I did that. I pushed her forwards for violin and art and maths and tennis and athletics and creative writing. She's brilliant at all of it. Her father hasn't a clue. He's far too busy being a father to someone else. Shame on him.So, I blow my imaginary trumpet (out of tune and badly) that actually, several failed relationships later, I can have a love filled home with what we have already. We are so lucky. I am so hoping that everything I do and aim for, will show the girls that if you try hard enough, you can achieve anything.I still haven't quite sorted out the 3 chapters and sent them off. Some might say I'm procrastinating. I'm not. I'm really not. I'm simply being a mother. My priorities are my girls and as much as I hope one day my book goes to print, tonight all I care about is that they are both happy, fed and asleep from having a really good day at school. What else is there? Our local school rocks.This time last year our home was a pile of rubble and the walls were about to come down. We were about to escape to Spain to miss the chaos. This year, our home is exactly what I'd hoped it might be and it isn't chaotic, it is peaceful. We are still about to escape to Spain but because we are going to laugh and hang out with our friends not because of any disruption or dust. Life is about choices. We can choose how to interpret everything. I choose to look at everyone involved in our life now withlove and gratitude. I am expecting a really good summer. What's not to like?

Monday, 13 July 2015

Way back in March I wrote the following email to the married man for a reason. For an obvious reason it seemed back then but I had forgotten it. Until today. Today, a dear friend of mine who has been very sad and let down and carrying on regardless (like we all do) turned to me and said this, "Ah Bollocks to him. He's missed his chance" and that was that. Thunderbolt moment. I stood still for a second or three and gave myself a good shake. 'What ARE you playing at?' I thought to myself. Why would you be whining and crying over a man who left you? Why would you want a man in your life who didn't want to be here in it? Why would that EVER be good enough for me or my girls? And I came home. I stumbled, mouth open at the realisation that months ago I was the old, wise me, when I read what I'd written. I smiled. I dropped my shoulders and relaxed. I gave in for the simple fact that I don't want to be second best when I'm already in position number one in my home. So here's the email I sent him. I re-sent it and I meant it. In a good way. He wasn't coming back anyway but it's important that he knows he cannot come back when his Plan b or Plan c go tits up. I'm Plan A with a capital A because my family are worth the time. Seriously, note to any married man (or woman) out there who want an excuse to get out of their claustrophobic relationship.. Do it on your own and don't lean on someone who deserves a genuine and true friendship just to make your journey a bit easier. On that note..

I have no idea why you insist on telling me this. Reassure me? Your reassurance was once that you would support me and love me like no man ever had- and where did that get me?

In short- actually not so short but too bad- if you can walk out on me and my girls now, you're never going to cut it. Keep walking. You have no obligation to maintain a friendship with me and you certainly have no obligation over my children so may I suggest you focus on the bigger picture. The reason you met me in the first place. The dissatisfaction of your own relationship with the mother of your children. The reason you never introduced your kids to mine. The excuses of why, when and how it might be the right time.. And then your wife told you to leave..Enough now. We are not 15 or 17 anymore. Madonna isn't in the charts (I don't think) and I don't need permission to stay out late. Gavin and Stacey aren't real people and you still have a wife you need to talk about incessantly and a mother in law who monopolises your head space. I am not a hippy mother who believes that bad behaviour is acceptable from anyone especially not a spoilt adult male. You live in a different world to mine and quite frankly, I want a man who doesn't talk bollocks but has some, isn't obsessed with his wife's faults and tells the truth about the future. I'm sick to death of the victim you've become through a self obsessed addiction to how life should be. You poor thing.. Get real.

That'll do. Apart from.. I have changed my mind. You don't stand a chance so don't even think about it. Never. You had some fucking cheek to think I might change.. I have spent my life questioning why I'm on my own and the truth? It's because there isn't anyone bloody good enough. Fact.
Funny isn't it, how one minute I'm crushed and pathetic and needy yet the next I am flabbergasted by my own weakness and bad judgement. I'm done now. Let the married man go Rose. He doesn't belong in this family and he hasn't the room in his life to see the enormity of how wonderful the world can be. Make space for new opportunities and open your heart for a better, bigger and more real love. One that is available. Because one that is not isn't going to last distance. No hard feelings from my part. I had nothing to lose. I now have everything to gain.