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i'm terrified. it's the way you feel when you're sleeping somewhere you've never been before and you're alone in the middle of the night, and you hear something unfamiliar, or shrill like a scream. you know that stabbing feeling you get? but it's not a regular stabbing, it's kind of dull... a giant thunk in a part of your chest so deep you didn't know it was there.

yeah welllllllll welcome to my entire world that's all i can feel right now

they ("they" being the bastards at my ED clinic) talked to my parents about inpatient yesterday and they're dead serious..... apparently because i've lost like 10lbs in just the month or so i've been there blablah NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL but they think i'm in a dangerous place/state of mind right now HELLO i coulda told you that. but anyway i guess unless they see some drastic improvement (notttttt so likely) i have no choice but to go inpatient for 30-45 days.

WHICH will cost anywhere from $150,000 to $200,000 WHICH MEANS we will have to sell my horse WHICH MEANS that as soon as i get out of the hospital i'll be a suicidal wreck again, only worse, because my one release (riding) will no longer be in the picture.

this is not a good situation i need to force myself to eat but ummm think of the thing you're most scared of and multiply it by 50, that's how i feel about calories/food right now yeah this could turn out badly

on a lighter more happy note there's a horse show this week! i rode earlier and my pony was 100% perfect i looooooveeeees himmmmm! we're competing in jumpers tomorrow, 3' equitation on friday, and jumper divisions on saturday + sunday if you care/know what all this means heh

innie a cutie? i realize you're prob kind of sick of me posting 2890344 pictures of him but he's my favorite person, people suck ok i'm kind of a misanthropist sometimes (AKA most of the time)

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