Greetings sentients! It is I, your humble ambassador for the edification on all things epicurean, Mygar. Today I shall be providing a Year in Review.

Greetings sentients! It is I, your humble ambassador for the edification on all things epicurean, Mygar. Today I shall be providing a Year in Review.

The year 2009 is quickly closing upon us. That is, of course, provided you follow a Gregorian Calendar and not the Lunar, Jewish, Chinese or Intergalactic Standard Calendars. Details aside, I like many will be glad to see this year come to a close. Following are some of the culturally notable moments and personalities we saw in this past year.

Celebrity Deaths.
This was not a safe year to be a person of notoriety. A seemingly endless series of persons left us, particularly the in fateful summer of 09. The most notable to leave us is, of course, Michael Jackson. As he only faked his own death, more on him shortly. The most profound death this year I found to be that of Patrick Swayze. His star shone too bright to last long. His depth as an actor, and endless dedication to the dance, has inspired and lifted us all from the quagmire drudgery of our common lives. May love lift you up where you belong Patrick, and the heavens part so you may dance your way into paradise.

Jon Gosselin.
How is your species supposed to evolve when people like this are allowed to reproduce? And no less than 8 times!? Blessings be to those poor children. Who is this overgrown man-child and why is he on television. In any of the better galaxies a wretched person like this would be euthanized for the sake of the gene pool. Even his own children have matured past him at this point. That he was ever given time in front of a camera should be a cultural warning sign. Thankfully Ed Hardy apparel makes him, and douches like him, visible from safe distances. His clothing is like an illuminated sign that reads “This person likely has Chlamydia.” Thank you Ed Hardy. And can someone please save those adorable 8 children from their wretched parents?

Jersey Shore.
Glaring weekly proof that evolution can work backwards. I watched it once and had to give my television a round of antibiotics after. Your entire species should be ashamed. When is turns out this was the glaringly obvious omen that your culture was about to collapse from its own decadence, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Michael Jackson.
There is still some conjecture as to whether he is dead or simply faked his death to get away from the pressures of fame and his outstanding back taxes. In any event Michael is no longer with us. May peace be upon him. His passing has given rise to one interesting cultural phenomena: it is now acceptable again to like Michael Jackson music. Even on the night of his death strangers gathered to sing his songs that weeks before they would have flatly denied knowing all the words to. With the passing of his more ludicrous recent persona people feel at liberty to enjoy the brilliant singing and dancing from his earlier career. Through tragedy great art has prevailed. Peace be upon you, Michael.

Economic Collapse.
Given how much time I spend upon your planet this affected even my lifestyle. The fine wines ran dry and were replaced with instant cocoa. Imported cheeses went away and I was left with only individually wrapped American. I don’t eat American cheese. I will tear off and fry my own leg first. At least that’s imported! And cocoa isn’t so bad. It goes well with black and white movies on basic cable.

So raise a glass with me this week to bid 2009 a well deserved goodbye. May we all be happier for its departure. And may the coming year be kinder to us all.