Should I give my other half a hard time?

I have been informed by friends that when they want their other halves to do (or not do) something for them, they "give them a hard time". What is this hard time of which they speak and how should I employ it to my advantage?

You have stumbled across one of the greatest mysteries of this or any other age. The world, you see, is divided into those to whom the dishing out of aforementioned "hard time" comes as naturally as breathing, and those who could not manage the feat if their lives or sanity depended on it. Never the twain shall meet and alas I stand on the same side of the abyss that separates the two as you do. I marvel at those who can find the energy, the capacity, the emotional excess to care about whether their other/lesser halves have stayed out too late, left some domestic chore undone or who simply, as you suggest, wish to parlay a partner's free-floating guilt into an act beneficial to the other's wellbeing.

But if I marvel at that, I stand in bewildered awe before what seems to be an inborn mastery of the methodology by which soft or gullible partners can be manipulated. It seems to be done via a combination of rage, tears and whining cunningly disguised as patient, loving explanation of a series of profound sins. Practitioners of this black art then proceed to brutalise their beloveds mentally, measuring the effects against some delicately calibrated internal scale which allows them to pull back just in time to prevent the victim going off his or her head or punching the artist in the throat.

More than that, I cannot tell you. To carry it off, you need to be a high-maintenance, self-indulgent egotist with a grudge-bearing capacity that approaches the infinite - not each of those in turn, but all of them, all the time. You are either born to it or you are not. If not, you will have to resign yourself to a life of emotional honesty, integrity and emptying the dishwasher yourself. It is my belief that we will either get our reward in heaven, or end up gunning down everyone in the street with the semi-automatic weaponry we will have, almost inadvertently over the course of a frustrated lifetime, collected, on our 40th birthdays. Our overlooked 40th birthdays.

Pants quandary

My partner has always been untidy but two weeks ago he left one blue sock and one black pair of underpants in the middle of the kitchen floor. Is there some deep-seated reason for this behaviour? Should I: a) ignore them, b) pick them up, or c) draw round them in his blood?

The answer to your first question is no, unless by "deep-seated reason" you mean "having a penis". This is not sexism, it is merely acknowledgment of the True Fact that no woman in history has ever knowingly left a pair of knickers on her kitchen floor for a period of time that can be measured in units longer than nanoseconds.

As for the rest, of these three, in such a situation, the last shall always be first. And, to forestall possible objections - c) entirely lacks the dishonesty that is the core feature of "giving someone a hard time". It is what is known in the Encyclopedia of Relationship Terms as "proportionate response". Enjoy.