Miss her.

Alright, so I couldn’t post this on any traditional social media sites, because I couldn’t risk her seeing it… But I need to write it out.

I screwed up and it forced my girlfriend to break up with me… That happened yesterday morning. It’s been a little over 24 hours… And I feel awful.

She said she needed 2 weeks to get her mind right, I agreed that was fine. We’re broken up while she does it so if she feels she’s done she can just split. I did the legwork, grabbed whatever I could find of hers in my house. There’s still odds and ends I’m sure, because life gets frayed and sometimes bits get lost in the shuffle.

She made me a hat… Crocheted me one. I couldn’t even look at it yesterday because I had no idea if I’d ever see her again. Today, I put it on my head, because it’s cold… And because I wanted to remember her. Maybe I should let her go now, so it doesn’t hurt me more later, but I just can’t…

I still really care about her. I want her to have her space, and I want her to do what’s best for her… Not me… If she doesn’t come back… Well, I’ll accept it… That thought hurts a lot right now, that she might not come back.

My writing in this post will be a little… “Not normal” is the best way I can describe it, as I don’t know what my head is up to right now.

I started Therapy… Because I feel like there’s something wrong with my head and I want to figure out what it is, fix it if I can. Failing that, I just want to change and not be the man I was.

I feel like a bad man… But everyone says I’m not. They say I’m a foolish man, but I’m not bad. I don’t know enough about myself or my head to make that judgement right now.

I’m tired… More so than usual. If I am depressed, or not… I’m certainly lower than usual today. I drove to work in a mental fog. I have no idea how I made it. Don’t remember the journey. I just somehow got to work. Even know, my brain is misfiring, like an engine in a poor state of tune.

I suppose if nothing else, I still have enough wit left in me to relate things to cars.

Speaking of, just to go off topic and keep with the theme of random and senseless… The miata exists still. I got hopefully the last part to make it run. A silly little subharness that links the injectors and coil packs to the ECU. That shop that was working on my car (3oK Motorsports, great guys, know their shit) said it should be all that’s left. If it is, perhaps a full restoration is in order 😉

Cars keep my brain occupied.

She got me a DS… My Ex, not the miata, before we broke up… I haven’t played it this whole week, because it reminded me of her, and I always felt, teetering on the edge of together (this week) that I should be focusing on her and not distracting myself. Now, I need the distraction…

Because we shared accounts… Hulu and Netflix… More me piggybacking off hers… I finally decided to set up my own. Because that way, she could delete my viewer profile and there’d be one less thing to make her think about me. I’m sure she’s doing enough of that.
It’s my fault I’m here. But I truly want to change. I want to be a different man, and I want to be different for her… Even if she’s not in my life anymore. Because I don’t want to do what I did to her to anyone else.

My maddened rantings have probably long since lost your interest… So I’ll leave you with this parting thought and then wrap it up…

If someone finds an important enough reason to change… They can, and will. Because in reality, they are the one thing they can control fully.