I really thought I had it there, just for a minute. But no. It proved to be my undoing, that bloody thing

So this week’s big news is that I’ve bought a box for outside the caravan. And a very impressive box it is too. Extra large, brushed aluminium, powder-coated finish, waterproof, rust proof, a nice shade of ivory. But let’s not get hung up on girly details.

Because – and it’s a sharp-intake-of-breath kind of get-this – it’s so big and so bling that it doesn’t just open, this box.

It opens MAGNIFICENTLY. It opens (big build up, I know, but it’ll be worth it) by means of a gas-strut-assisted gull wing door! How exciting is that?

You can almost hear it whispering right now, can’t you? Like a zephyr rolling in across the Med. So I’m sure you can imagine how excited I am.

In fact, I can’t recall ever being so excited about a purchase before. Particularly in these depressing economic times, when you really do want bang for your buck.

But I didn’t stop there. Oh, no. Not now I was up and running. So, on a bit of a roll with the macho metal stuff theme, I then went and bought a set of roof bars.

For the car these, not the caravan. Don’t tend to strap things to the roofs of caravans very much. But they’re no less exciting for all that.

Because, while I say “roof bars”, I mean something so much more. If you want to get technical (and I do), what I’ve actually got coming is a complete roof rack bar system, which is different from just “roof bars”, comprising, as it does, the panoply of items for the discerning carrier-of-stuff-on-roofs.

There’s the feet, of course (coated in a soft protective plastic), then the vehicle-specific fitting kit (1100 series, since you ask) and finally the Roof Cross Bars (yes, that’s Cross Bars, not crossbars), finished traditionally in steel, with another sort of black plastic coating, the better to be, well, better than if they weren’t.

So in summary, an easy-fit, stylish and durable enhancement for those wishing to, well, put stuff on their roofs.

I spoke to the man too. He was called Simon.

I said: “I’m thinking of going for the optional upgrade to the Simple One Key Lock Security System, and perhaps the aerodynamic Aero-bars, too. What d’you think?”

He said: “Good call, on the One Key Lock System. You should never be complacent about having your stuff pinched. But the Aero-Bars? Hmm. Yes, you get that old wind-noise-thorn out of your side. But worth it? For 50 squids? I’d say turn up the radio.”

I agreed. I stuck with the keys. And then, since I had much enjoyed speaking to Simon, I thought I’d step in where both Pete and Owen had failed, and source the elusive 22-15-22 mill Reducing T Plastic Hose Connector they so covet, but which has proved to be the Scarlet Pimpernel of plumbing.

And I really thought I had it there, just for a minute. But no. It proved to be my undoing, that bloody thing.

I can only, it seems, have a 12-20-12. Or a 12-16-12 one. GUTTED.

So there you have it. I clearly must accept my limitations. I went out and bought a cushion instead.