Dear Mick: You are truly a worthless critic, and I will tell you why. Ask yourself the following two questions: (1) Am I a creative person? Think about this now. Have you ever done anything creative? I am betting you haven't. Want to know how I know this? You liked the "Lord of the Rings" movies, yet they were long and boring. (2) Do I know what funny is? I am betting you are not a funny person. You thought "A Mighty Wind" was one of the funniest comedies of the year, but it was boring. I am guessing you have never been a good joke teller. Am I right? Be honest with yourself. Please don't answer back with your usual dribble about spelling mistakes or other misplaced castigations.

Mark Saavedra, San Francisco

Dear Mark: I think you meant to say "drivel," not dribble. And isn't Saavedra spelled with one "a"? (2004)

Dear Sue: Funny you should say that, because my wife just told me I'm getting a little fatuous. I promised to take off some wit. (2005)

Dear Mick LaSalle: I've never responded to a movie review in my life. But if you thought "Click" was "one of the best American films of the year so far," then you, sir, are an idiot.

David Vestal, Des Moines, Iowa

Dear David Vestal: I get all kinds of mail, some friendly, some unfriendly, but the one kind that I find the most delightful is the "you, sir" variety, which invariably makes me laugh and also wonder at the impulse behind it. If I want to call someone an idiot ... well, I never call anyone an idiot, I just think it, because you can't convince an idiot that he's an idiot. Besides, in terms of writing, it's always better to show than tell. But if I were going to call someone an idiot, I would just say, "You're an idiot." I would not take out my snuff box, stand on my toes, raise my chin, look down my nose and start throwing around the word "sir." I'd worry about looking silly, about seeming as if I'm trying to stuff a base inclination inside a powdered wig. I tell you this only as a friend. For all I know, the next guy might actually deserve to be called an idiot, and you, sirrah, should be ready: Can the "sir" gimmick. It's not really polite or dignified, and not one person has gotten away with that move since Charles Laughton. (2006)

Dear Mick LaSalle: We want to thank you for your reviews. Without your lousy review of "The Da Vinci Code," we would not have seen it. But when you lambaste a movie, we know it is one we will enjoy. Does it have anything to do with Roger Ebert liking a movie that turns you into such a negative reviewer, or is it just because two guys are not kissing, or someone takes on the non-liberal world, which seems to be all your S.F. brotherhood seems to like?

Jack Dukes, Napa

Dear Jack Dukes: Thank you for writing on behalf of your committee, but especially for that last sentence. I've read it at least 20 times, and though I can't say I understand it, it never fails to deliver a surprise. Sometimes it seems like Gertrude Stein. Other times it's like taking an amusement park ride through the curves of someone's mind and finding a sudden plunge into darkness each time you expect a synapse. I think I'll read it again and again. (2006)

Dear Mick LaSalle: I think you are way too serious. It's just a film! Quit being so picky. This was an absolutely wonderful, entertaining film! It brought tears to my eyes.

Joe Vitanza, Diamond Bar

Dear Joe Vitanza: Wow, Joe! That sounds great! Please tell me the name of the movie so I can go see it again! (2007)

Dear Mick LaSalle: Wow, you come off as a huge -hole in your review of "I'm Not There." Can I please have that five minutes of my life back, which I just wasted reading your review? "I'm Not There" was a great film. I'm betting good money you own the Billy Joel box set. Or maybe some Duke Ellington? You seem to be fascinated with things from that era - old, dated, corny movies that only you and Roger Ebert care about.

Chad Newton, Pennsylvania

Dear Chad Newton: Thanks for dismissing, once and for all, the canard that "I'm Not There" appeals only to intellectuals. But Chad, why did it take you a full five minutes to read that review? It was only 764 words long, and normal adult reading speed is 250 words per minute. You're forgetting the trick: Don't labor over individual words. If you don't understand something, just skip it, and you'll figure out the meaning in context. (2007)

Dear Mick LaSalle: You probably get this all the time, but your an idiot.

Dear Jason Brown: I do get that a lot, but what's funny is that at least 95 percent of the time, the person doesn't write "you're an idiot" but "your an idiot." I don't know why this happens, but I'm developing a theory. (2008)

Dear Mick LaSalle: I am startled by your review of "Slumdog Millionaire." Who on Earth do you write for? Certainly not well-educated adults.