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Jimmy Footballs recruited the help of a few friends to help get the giant muffin back to his apartment. It was a strain and a struggle but with a great effort the stinky muffin was home. Jimmy also needed the aid of a gas mask every time he opened the box that contained the muffin. He had convinced his friends that he had purchased a used washing machine because he did not want them to know that he was going to eat this smelly muffin in order to grow taller. And they seemed to believe him, although they did comment on the funky smell eminating from the large box. Jimmy later went to the liquor store to buy some strong spirits that he knew he would need in order to eat the foul smelling muffin.

After returning from the liquor store, Jimmy quickly took a few drinks. He drank enough to start to get a nice and mellow buzz on, not flat out drunk, just a numbing high. Enough of a high to be able to stomach the stinking muffin. So then he took out a plate and a fork and a knife and made his way over to the big box. He opened it and the pungent smell slapped him square in the face causing him to back up and almost causing him to fall over backwards. He regained his composure and told himself that it was only a muffin so how bad could it be? He then cut a good portion from the giant muffin, about the size of a large steak. He noticed how it was large and heavy but it was also spongy and pretty easy to cut. Although when he cut into it it seemed to stink even worse. Jimmy walked over to his small dinner table and sat down with plate in hand and a very unsure look on his face.

Jimmy steadied his nerves with another drink. He then built up his courage enough to be able to cut into the muffin that lay before him. He cut off a reasonably sized bite, not too large and not too small. He examined the piece of muffin that was nailed to his fork carefully. Then he smelled it and when he did he noticed that it did not really smell that bad if he smelled it close up, but as soon as he pulled it away from his nose the horrible smell returned with a vengance. He closed his eyes and opened his mouth and as steadily as he could he raised the fork to his mouth. Then he inserted the fork with the piece of muffin on it into his mouth, being careful not to touch his lips to the muffin itself. Then he suddenly bit down onto the fork and just as quickly pulled the fork out of his mouth, leaving only the muffin in his mouth. He chewed quickly and almost out of control, as if that would somehow make it better. When he was through with the wild chewing, he commanded his throat to quickly and powerfully suck the food down into his stomach.

Jimmy waited to see if he was still alive. And sure enough he was! He waited still a few more minutes to see if he would have any kind of reaction to eating the bite of the stinky muffin, but he still felt fine and above all he was still breathing. He considered the taste of it and realized that it really wasn’t half bad, or at least not as bad as he had expected. Once he realized that it was not killing him and that it did not taste half-bad, he devoured the rest of the muffin on his plate as quickly as he could. Then he finished his whiskey as well. He walked confidently to his sofa and sat down and turned on the TV. Minutes later he still felt fine, but did realize that he was getting very tired very quickly. So he turned off the TV and walked to his bedroom, where he practically collapsed onto his bed and fell immediately into a deep sleep.

is a book that I wrote two years ago when I had too much time on my hands. I have sent it out to see if it could be published, but as of now it has not been published. I think that it is of good enough quality to be published, but who knows? So I will just post a teaser on this blog and maybe somebody will express some interest in it.

The story is basically a mix between ‘Waiting for Godot’ by Beckett and “Cheech and Chong”. I mainly wrote it to practice writing dialog, mostly meaningless dialog, but dialog (which seems difficult to write). So check out some of the chapter names, and later on I will post most of the first chapter. (The book is 15 chapters and about 400 pages).

Here is the chapter list for ‘Looking for Area 420’ by Shane Zentz:

Chapter 1: “Waking from a dream”

Chapter 2: “Off the Hook”

Chapter 3: “High and Dry”

Chapter 4: “Area 471”

Chapter 5: “Mario Quixote Saves the Day”

Chapter 6: “Waking from another dream”

Chapter 7: “Westward Ho”

Chapter 8: “You dreamed about poles”

Chapter 9: “Would you stay on the bus or get off?”

Chapter 10: “Mary-Ann or Ginger?”

Chapter 11: “The Doritos Chapter”

Chapter 12: “Danger and Laughing Down LA Way”

Chapter 13: “Out of This World”

Chapter 14: “The Buzz Kill”

Chapter 15: “This is Real Life man”

If you are interested in publishing this book (or reading the full book), then contact me at shane@shanezentz.com , also contact me with any questions, or comments, etc.

Some time within the next few days I will post a free preview of a book that I wrote recently. I will post the names of all the chapters and probably most of the first chapter. The book is around 450 pages or so and took me about a month to write. I think that the book is pretty good but I don’t know if it is good enough to be published or not. So I’ll throw the first chapter out there and see if I get any good feedback. So check back for more about this book later.

For now I can give the title of the book and a short background about it. The title is “Looking for Area 420” by Shane Zentz. I wrote it mainly to work on writing dialog, so there is a lot of dialog and plenty of action as well. It contains a mix of several interesting themes and subjects. I will post more information about it soon, so check back to learn more…..

“Are you sure that those muffins will make me taller”, Jimmy Footballs asked? “Yes, of course they make you taller”, Jack Toebeard replied. Jimmy scratched his chin while thinking over the whole situation. His friend Jerry had told him about this Jack Toebeard who made some special muffins that were said to make a person grow taller. Jimmy was trying to remember exactly what Jerry had said. “These muffins made a friend of mine go from five feet and four inches tall to six feet and five inches tall in just a couple of days”, Jerry had told Jimmy. “But you will have to buy the special muffin in order to grow a lot taller in a short period of time”, Jack said causing character to snap out of his mini-trance. “Oh, I see”, Jimmy said. “And what is the deal with this special muffin”, Jimmy asked? “Well it is a magic muffin, and it takes a long time to make and it is a difficult process, but the results are almost unbelieving”, Jack said. “And how much will this magic muffin cost me”, Jimmy asked? “$500”, Jack said stoutly and confidently. “Wow, that is one expensive muffin”, Jimmy said emphaticly. “Well if you want to grow taller, then I would think that it would be worth it”, Jack said. “You are right”, Jimmy said. “And if I buy this magic muffin today, when would it be ready”, Jimmy asked? “You buy it today, it be ready one week”, Jack said. Jimmy thought about it and realized that he was going to have to pay the $500 and give it a try. At five feet and two inches tall he always felt somehow less than others who were a more normal size and he always wanted to find a way to grow taller. Even though everyone, including doctors, had told him that it would be impossible for him to grow any taller, especially at his age. So he writes out a check for $500 and hands it to Jack, who tells him to come back in one week to pick it up. So Jimmy then leaves the store.

Jimmy’s week went by very slowly. And each day convinced him more that he had done the right thing by buying the muffin. He could not wait to see it. He could not wait to eat it and see if it would really work. He was still skeptical, early in the week while waiting for baker to create this magic muffin. But as the week went on he began to believe more and more that it just might work and that it just might do what Jack and Jerry told him that it would do. So the night before he knew that the muffin would be ready he had a difficult time trying to get to sleep. He was so excited that the next day he would finally get his magic muffin. He did eventually fall asleep but he dreamed some very strange dreams. Very strange dreams indeed! Dreams filled with flaming cocktails, purple clouds, green cats, and spoongy, multi-colored, quick-sand like floating carpets. Very strange dreams indeed. Jimmy woke up in a haze of confusion, but soon regained his senses and remembered that today would be the day that his magic muffin would be ready. Jimmy quickly ate breakfast and then took an even quicker shower and flew out the door on his way to Jack’s.

When Jimmy arrived at baker’s he saw that his store was a little more busy than normal. So he found a place in line and waited, just like everybody else. The line was moving pretty slowly and it took an agonizing fifteen minutes or so for Jimmy to get to the front of the line. Once there Jack saw him and said that the muffin was ready, but asked him to wait until the store cleared out of customers. So Jimmy waited some more. Finally after about another twenty minutes the last customer picked up his order and left, leaving the store empty except for Jimmy and Jack. “Follow me to the back”, Jack said. Jimmy followed Jack to the back of the store which contained a lot of industrial baking equipment.

“It’s right over here”, Jack said pointing to a box that was about the size of a washing machine. “Where”, Jimmy asked? “In this box”, Jack said. Then Jack opened the top of the box and looked in with a smile. “Feast you eyes on this beauty”, Jack said with a grin. Jimmy couldn’t imagine how a muffin would be in so large of a box, so he was very curious to see what was in it. He walked closer to the box and pulled his head up to the top of the box and looked down into it. The muffin was about the size of an oven and was a dark brown color with wierd colored spots evident in the top of it. When he saw the size of the muffin, he almost choked! When he got a whiff of the smell of it, he almost puked! “Whew, is that one big muffin and boy does it stink”, Jimmy exclaimed! “Well, that is what makes you grow, so it has to stink like that and it has to be that size to have an effect”, Jack said while laughing. “Do I have to eat the whole thing”, Jimmy asked? “Yes, of course you do”, Jack replied.

Thinking about one of my favorite all time movies ‘Idiocracy’ got me to thinking about how in that movie most of the characters in the future are named after brand name products, like ‘tylenol’ and ‘hormel’. So I thought that I would come up with a list of the brand name products that would make the stupidest names for people. So here is the list (in no particular order):

Duracell

Dorito

Lays

Arby

Walmart

JC Penny

Apple

Starkist

Wonder

Dole

Helman

Yoplait

Ritz

Bryer

Yukon

Nerf

Huffy

Faygo

Feel free to add your own stupid names or funny names to the comments section, and thanks for reading this post!

Bad Benz

by Shane Zentz
It started to shake. Only just a little at first, but then, more and more. The air wistled through the cracks in the windows and windsheild. The lights of the others passing lit up the interior. The whole body shook with a dip in the road. The suspension was suspended up and then suspended down, and on so down the road. The smell of burning oil and rotten old metal filled the air inside the car. More shaking and more shaking, and I keep saying, “Just a few more miles, just get me home”! A strange noise eminated from the rear of the car. Somewhere from the rear. An odd noise. A noise never before heard, from this car or from any other. Was it a sign? Was the car finally dying? Would the car make it home? There was that noise again. Only a little louder this time. More threatening. Another light on the dashboard. A new warning light this time. One that has not come on before. One whose meaning was completely unknown. Was it a serious issue or something minor? Did it have something to do with the new noise coming from the backseat? More cars pass by as if the Benz was standing still. Still more cars go by. The Benz is still going, very slowly and very, very unsurely, but still going. Somehow still going. Only a few miles to home now. “Only a little more to go now, just keep going”, I say to the Bad Benz. More smoke coming from the rear of the car and the engine seems even more sluggish now. Sputtering every so often as if trying to take it’s last exhausted breath. How much further could it go? Would it make it home?

So Chang looked over the hill and saw them. Yes he saw them. And they saw him. And they were coming towards him. Why were they coming to him, he wondered? He watched them. He studied them. He admired how they marched all single file, all purposefully. The ‘order’ and discipline was obvious to any open-eyed observer. Chang wondered if they saw him, or if they thought about him like he was not thinking about them? What were they up to? What was their goal? Why do they do what they do? Do any of them not follow directions and orders and just wander off on their own? And if not, why not? All of these questionings and wonderings had made Chang’s head start to spin around and he realized that he would be better off if he sat down. So he sits down. Right on the dirt ground, he sits. All the time he continues to watch them. They were still steadily and surely coming. Were they coming to him? What were they up to? What would they do when they arrived to him? Chang looks up and sees that the clouds have mostly cleared up, leaving just a partly cloudy day. But the sun was bright and strong and hot, very hot today, like most days lately. The drop of sweat rolled down the face of Chang, stingingly rolling its way down his face until finally it reached his neck where it continued it’s slow but steady slide, then it fell right onto Chang’s shirt where it was quickly absorbed by the material which was mostly cotton along with a blend of some other fibers, possibly some man made fibers, and possible some natural fibers. Chang wiped yet another bead of sweat from his forhead. It was getting hotter, and they were getting closer. They were even nearer now. And Chang realized that they would surely reach him very soon. He pondered their lives. How much different were they from himself, he wondered? What would it be like to be one of them, he questioned himself? Maybe it would be good. Maybe it would be bad. Maybe it would be the same. Or very nearly the same. Chang looked back up to the sky and watched a fluffy cloud go slowly floating by. It had a strange shape. Kind of like a duck. No, more like a cross between a duck and a horse. Yes, a duck’s body along with a horse’s head. What a strange combination, Chang thought. Looking back down, Chang saw that they were very, very, very close to him now. They would be right next to him in a matter of seconds, most likely. Yes they were coming now. And then they began to arrive. The first one there walked right up his shoe. And then the second one did the same. And then the third one, and so on. Until there was a whole line of ants crawling up his shoe all the way up his leg. They tickled his skin, but they did not bite. Where were they going, Chang wondered? Why did he allow them to crawl up his leg, he also wondered?

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Welcome to Bad Fiction by Shane Zentz !

Here you will find mostly short fiction stories and other short writings that are pretty bad and maybe even rotten. So kick on back, relax, have a look around here, have a good read or two or three, and just enjoy yourself. And as always your comments, ideas, or suggestions are always welcome here on badfiction.shanezentz.com , the bad fiction website by Shane Zentz.