“Only as high as I reach can I grow, only as far as I seek can I go, only as deep as I look can I see, only as much as I dream can I be.”

Tuesday, 26 May 2009

Another whinge, I'm afraid

I've got lots of nice positive things to talk about in the next few weeks, but today I'm feeling miserable. I'm just waiting for the fertility clinic to ring me back so I can make an appointment for some tests - I've been putting it off for ages, but now I just really need some answers. New Man is being very supportive, and he wants this as badly as I do, so we share the feelings of crushing disappointment every 26 days or so, then pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and get ready to board the rollercoaster again.

Over the last year (14 lots of 26 days, in case you haven't been counting as obsessively as we have), we've learnt an awful lot - about ourselves and about each other. I've also learnt what sometimes seems like a whole new language as I communicate in abbreviations with other women who are going through the same thing - the internet is a great thing for bringing people together like this. I've had all sorts of needles stuck in me, taken huge quantities of Chinese herbs, and prayed and prayed and prayed.

I know God is listening, but what if motherhood is not part of His plan for me? What if He is actually trying to push me a different way? When do I give up and start listening to what God really wants me to do? I want this so badly, but if God wants me to do something else instead, I need to try to subordinate my will to His.

So now I'm waiting for a phone call, then I'll be waiting probably about four weeks for an appointment, then a bit longer to get all the tests done and hear the results, and then we'll know.

I suppose I'm asking for your prayers again - that we get to be parents, but if that doesn't happen, that we learn to accept it and follow God's Will, whatever that may be.