Storyteller and Artist in Life

Category Archives: Psychiatry

Only those risking too far can possibly find out how far one can go. T.S.Eliot

I feel inspired to write a very personal plea to those working within Mental Health Care. I warmly encourage that this moment in History, Psychiatry has an opportunity to re-invent itself as the Study of Human Consciousness. Collaborate with other disciplines for the common good. It might be beneficial to include Physicists. Quantum Physics principles apply to Human Consciousness better than any other Science. All I can say is: Listen to me Now, Believe me Later. A phrase I heard regularly from my lighthearted Dad while growing up. I give a gentle nudge. It is all I can do as a person who Medical Science has invalidated. Anything I say or do can be viewed with the lens of the diagnostic label issued: Bipolar Disorder. What if I am right? Pretty uncomfortable for those who have wielded the no insight sword. For the record: I absolve you. I forgive you. I understand you. I prefer to live my life peacefully in my own version of reality… if it were not for that huge legally-backed power differential. Live and let live works well for me.

Let me introduce myself: I am a Family Doctor (now retired), a Person labeled as Bipolar Disorder (Three Out of the Ordinary or Psychotic Episodes over three years) and a Medium (able to communicate with benevolent, intelligent energies or Spirits). The Medium experience played a role in my Out of the Ordinary events. I am currently working with a Mentor to clarify my Mediumship. The philosophy that many Mediums work by is that every encounter is an experiment. Open-minded skepticism is embraced. You do not dismiss what you sense. You describe it as neutrally as possible, attempting not to interpret it at all. Transmit the raw data. No two people will interpret the same perception/data exactly the same way. This demonstrates a lovely way to work. One of these days I will complete the story “I Am a Medium”.
A long recognized Superpower, has at times felt like a fault, is that I cannot speak untruth. I can only say what I know to be true. That led to me stating “I Don’t Know” an alarming number of times as a Family Doctor. It always surprised me that the patients just gushed with respect and admiration. Most people have a reasonable spidey sense for Truth too, it seems. They sounded so unaccustomed to a Doctor admitting when she did not know. Loved the Therapeutic Alliances I formed during my brief run as a Doc. I left the Profession after tiring from Spitting into the Wind. A high proportion of patients took on the Biomedical Model of illness, not really expecting to ever be well. I felt uninterested in doing an illness dance, knowing at a deep level that there were other options. Checked out in 1997. Fully retired in 2003.

I want to highlight some areas within Psychiatry from my unique perspective.

There are many assumptions made in the Field of Psychiatry:

First Assumption is that Traditional Biomedical Model of Psychiatry is the highest order Truth. That our discernment of patients is optimal. The best Scientific discoveries come when we question our current understanding. If we never question, we are forever stunted.
At this present moment, there are well-founded, more efficacious models of care that are being overlooked. I speak specifically about Peer-Assisted Open Dialogue.
Historically it began as Open Dialogue in Finland under the reality of the worst results in care for Schizophrenia. Once implemented, Finland now has the lowest rate of Schizophrenia in the developed world. Compassionate care that is highly effective in treating Psychosis creating a new paradigm for discovery. Awareness is the first step. It exists. Now you know. It is Professional Integrity to know more about why this works so well.
I summarize the backbone of this too simple to be true model. It is Simple and it is True.
a. Multidisciplinary Mental Health Team.
b. Non-Hierarchical – circular , no team member above or below, equal.
c. Mindfulness Training for all Mental Health Staff – increase awareness of the Self.
d. Include a Peer – someone who has experienced Psychosis as a Patient.

All other assumptions fall under the first one – that the Biomedical Model is optimal in delivering care in Mental Health. I consider it a theory. When few patients under the care of a Discipline ever recover, it is worthwhile to question and keep an eye out for alternatives.

First sub-assumption:
Legal Powers are helpful in Treating Patients.

It saddens me to think I could be telling you something that you have never heard before but there are many Psychiatrists in the world who treat patients without ever using the force of the Law even when it is available to them.
If you are a true Scientist, you may want to experiment with this. A shift in paradigm is required. Where there is a will, there is a way. Empowering patients is a long term goal. The short term definitely presents challenges. When you know better, you do better. Educate yourselves. Examplars exist.

Second sub-assumption:
We know the Natural History of Psychotic Disorders.
I was fascinated to learn of the work of a former Patient, Sean Blackwell. He has documented supporting the non-medicated care of Acute Psychosis with a good resolution of symptoms over time. His results find people transformed and vital following the Journey through Psychosis. He has pulled out what may be a subgroup of patients who are actually experiencing something better termed a Spiritual Emergency. The term was coined by a Psychiatrist Stanislov Grof in 1989. It was the very term I chose to describe my own first episode shortly after discharge. I felt highly misunderstood. Pleasantly surprised to see that this term was already in use. I felt as if I had never heard it before. Connecting with an International Community of People who see the validity of this alternate term has been refreshing.

A dynamic duo of Kevin Tomlinson & Phil Borges have produced a film called, Crazywise. It is scheduled to premiere at an International Documentary Film Festival in Amesterdam November 2016. There may be a brief soundbite by myself. I met them in Brazil while we were touring to witness the use of Mediums in the treatment of Psychiatric Patients. The Hospital there was a loving, beautiful retreat. Turtles roaming free. Fundamental to the film were Phil Borges’ (former dentist) observations in his travels as a photographer. He noted that people we lock up as psychotic, other cultures nurture into Healers & Shamans.

Third sub-assumption:
Patients lack insight into their own illness. Just using the word illness might be misleading. In my world, a better term would be transformation. See how just with the switch out of one single word, the intention and meaning has been completely changed? It may be more accurate to say that the Patient’s insight does not match the Doctor’s. That is usually a true statement. It is very easy for me to take a slight twist to the old lacks insight. A concrete thinker is just taught this, believes it as gospel truth and then finds it very convenient to practice using this very powerful belief. Once a patient demonstrates to you that they do not share your view, simply check the box, lock the patient up and then throw away the key. The consistency is quite reassuring to the traditional clinician’s mind. Yes, patients acting how I expect them to. When one widens their view, as I have done by experience, it leads to the very real possibility that this consistency is there but not for the reason long believed. This is because the higher understanding and truth is consistent. The experts in Psychosis, the patients, are begging for a review of the concepts. Begging over and over and over. Science loves consistency. I understand why this has been difficult for Doctors to step back and take seriously. One cannot be blamed for ignorance. If one wishes to call themselves a Scientist, as I am still calling myself, one would want to consider if the patient’s view has some validity. This is a beautiful opportunity to look at this long held misunderstanding. In my 3 years as a labeled Patient, I have come across countless explanations to how this came to be.
I will attempt a brief explanation. For the love of humanity, I implore you to just roll this around in your mind a little, little bit.
Quantum Physics principles do apply in Human Consciousness. I will not elaborate on this but throw it out to aid you giving this a chance. I elaborate a little more in a storyQuantum Theory of Psychiatry. Quantum Physics is Science. Just not the linear, logical form you are most accustomed to. Quantum Physics discoveries seventy years ago baffled scientists then just as much as now. Energy acting as both a wave and a particle. The energy of consciousness is coming into understanding in recent decades.
Consider the range of view of the traditional scientific beliefs human being. Views show what they show. You expect it. You see it. No problem. Very soothing to know that you have it all in your awareness. No surprises. You see what you expect to see. The human mind tends to work that way.
Psychotic Patient, better termed someone experiencing unshared reality, sees all you see plus a much wider view. Scares a person at first, especially if it comes all at once. The present model makes another sub-assumption that this version of reality is not valid. There is some confusion for the patient, but for most, meaning will be teased out of their experience over time. Symbolic vision is common. Deep truth can be revealed.

So now we have two people. One is the Patient. One is the Doctor.
Their worldviews do not match. The Doctor has power, even legally backed power to help the patient as they see fit. The Patient in some cases is left with a wider view. All the experience of the Doctor plus new additional views, visions and experience. Fear tends to be at the basis of many Doctors. In my experience, love without boundaries, scared doctors and staff a lot. I learned to find my balance after a day or two. Most comfortably achieved in a loving, nurturing environment – nearly exactly opposite to what I experienced during involuntary inpatient care. Invalidation, given a label of pathology with a bleak prognosis. Character building, yes. Nurturing, loving, no. My healthcare team did not even attempt to find anything valid within my experience. It could be better described as the most aggressive, obnoxious sales pitch you ever heard. Not what I would call healthcare. At this time of evolution for patients, we are extremely vulnerable. The Doctor does not view this transformation as valid or worthwhile, yet the patient sees the same situation differently. Is it an upgrade? At the very least, it is an alternate viable mindset.

Forth Sub-assumption: Listening to Patients is extremely important for the Therapeutic Alliance in all patients except Psychotic (unshared reality) ones.

This no insight issue is astronomical. In order for someone to firmly declare another’s insight to be subordinate, they take on one of the symptoms they generally paint their patients with: Omniscience, delusions of grandeur. One must be a God to deem another’s truth less valid. Caution. Here. Please.
It is urgent to step back and look at the lacking insight as more of an Hypothesis than a Creed. Alternative models exist and lead to a much higher prognosis for those who have experienced Psychosis. The entire argument is unnecessary when we just treat all human beings like human beings. Listen with a compassionate, open heart. Then support and treat accordingly. Judging each perception and experience is completely unnecessary. This would require evolution amongst the caregivers. It has been shown repeatedly that formally untrained caregivers in Mental Health can be more effective in treating Acute Psychosis in this proposed heart-open way because the ability to care is all that is truly required.
As scary as people in psychosis sometimes appear, they respond to caring in surprising ways. Keep in mind, scary is in the eyes of the beholder. As understanding goes up, fear will come down. We tend to see things through the lenses of our own beliefs. Peter Breggin describes this heartful care in How to Help Deeply Disturbed Persons. Some people come down within minutes just by being listened to, cared for and supported. Validated in their experience.

The biggest take home message I have is that it is a big, wide world we live in. If we remain complacent with an unending, self-perpetuating loop of sub-optimal understanding, are we truly embracing our humanity? I was a Doctor. I can very honestly proclaim that if I had any doubt about the care I was offering to my patients in full trust, I would work towards educating myself. First Do No Harm was the oath I took and stood behind. My dear, dear colleagues: You are doing harm. I am telling you that there is an upgraded form of care that will feel so much better to give, will be more effective and will have far fewer side effects. Your heart will thank you. Your Soul will thank you. Even your mind will thank you. In understanding effective treatment for Mental Health, you will naturally align with more harmony and well-being yourself. Based on my own direct experience as a Scientist, I am an expert in Psychosis. I am concerned that the Traditional Biomedical Model in Psychiatry is stunting our Scientific Understanding of Human Consciousness and Evolution. Talk to a trusted Physicist, they all get it already. If you do not know one, Thomas Campbell speaks to the Scientific Mind about Human Consciousness in a lecture series he titled, Reality 101. First of seven You Tube videos is linked. Metaphysics is in there.

Openminded skepticism is the only thing that can ever take you anyplace important. Thomas Campbell

I did not even get into my experiences as a Medium. Experience is the best teacher. You cannot tell me what I have and have not experienced. Which of my experiences are sanctioned by you and which are not?
The Truth has many gifts for health and healing. I would call it Beautiful … Beautiful Truth.

Listen to me Now. Believe me Later.

In a Nutshell: In Psychiatry, what is truly known? When consistent patterns are seen, get curious. Judgment is not scientific. Let us return to our scientific roots of neutral observation and curiosity. Let us return to our Human roots understanding loving energy is the most efficacious healing modality ever known. It is time to raise the Bar.

My prediction, shared by many, is that I am just the tip of the iceberg. Human Consciousness is rising on the planet. For many people, as their perceptions widen they will go through this highly energized, chaotic, confused state we now call Psychosis. Let us be ready. I see it as a pathway to a whole new upgraded way of being. Can we let go of the objective of trying to return the patient to their starting point? I warmly inform you that evolving to a new mindset is the objective. The system lags behind and is challenged to see reality differently. The patient’s sovereignty is sidestepped … and they become victim to the very mentality their soul attempted to escape in the first place.

What a terrible situation for those people who need compassionate care. Heartfelt compassion and empathy are rare commodities. … We live in a fear based society. Shut it up, shut it down. Eliminate the irritant….quick solution. Many suffer in silence, and if they are strong enough they wind up saving themselves.A fellow participant in the course, “How to Care for Someone in Spiritual Emergency”.

When we lack discernment about what is really going on for patients, which the system presently does, we are challenged to enact the solutions.It is hard to find the solution when you are part of the problem. Contemplate this for a moment.

When you understand the problem optimally, you will easily develop optimal solutions. The challenge is how to define optimal. My suggestion: Multidisciplinary teams to define optimal. Ensure there is a Peer (pick me!) and a non-Healthcare person or two. Occupational Therapists are worth their weight in gold. A visionary is highly recommended. Revisit on a regular basis. Reality shifts as we do. Reality evolves as we do.
One important roadblock I see is the widespread Mindset gripped tightly by Health Professionals in the Traditional Biomedical Model.
I dream of the day, could be very soon, when optimal questions start being asked by the System. Starting with:

“Is our current model of care the optimal model for our patients, ourselves and society?”
“Have we made some assumptions that now need to be questioned?”

Demonstrating effective, humane, optimal care, easier said than done of course, would help the system to extrapolate the amazing financial savings when you can support someone through Mental Health difficulties instead of creating lifelong clients to the system.

Differently-abled Messenger wading in the water.

Am I the only one who can see such a bright future when discernment is in place in a wider way?
I would like to play a role in bridging The Discernment Gap. A girl can dream…

I want to be truly helpful.

Mankind cannot bear very much reality. – T.S. Eliot …Yet. I add.

As I say regularly to my sons:If you are not going to help me, at least do not hinder me.

Adapted version:

If a Psychiatrist cannot generate hope, at least do not prevent the patient from generating it themselves.

Eventually, all that one has learnt will have to be forgotten. Ramana Maharshi.

I happily put on the hat of roving Reporter within the world of Mental Health… again.Breaking News! PODcan build bridges between Caregivers and Patients in Psychiatric Care.

Paraphrasing from the POD website in the UK: Many people – service users, carers, and staff of all disciplines – have a strong sense that we can do better in the services we provide for people with mental health difficulties, and the current way of working can be improved upon, towards a more holistic and collaborative approach to mental health care…. It is a less hierarchical approach, where everyone is seen as a partner in the process from day one. …peer support has been made integral to service delivery …

I attended a POD, Peer-Assisted Open Dialogue, Conference March 2015, in London, England. Relatively new to my awareness yet The Open Dialogue aspect has existed for over a decade in Finland. To sum up the Finnish experience: 74% of the acutely psychotic patients were either working or educating at two years. Ten times higher than the British results in a more traditional Biomedical Model of care. The Conference was a gathering together of six teams from different National Trusts, subsections of English National Healthcare System serving their geopraphic portion of the population. A Research Project to explore the POD model involving nearly twenty Psychiatrists is now underway.

A multidisciplinary team of Health Care Workers is assembled around each acute case. This could be four or more people: A Psychiatrist, A Nurse, a Psychologist, an Occupational Therapist, or any Mental Healthcare worker from the team. A person experiencing their first case of Psychosis, although is used effectively to treat acute and non-acute cases alike, first or subsequent acute episodes, would benefit from the collaboration with the team and any friends/family members that would like to be involved (always with the Patient’s consent). Lastly, a Peer with their own personal experience of crisis within the system, is a part of this Non-heirarchical Circle. It is not always possible but the aim is not to prescribe medications until at least three meetings have occurred and with the collective agreement from the group. The Patient’s belief about medications is important and relevant in this decision. The meetings occur as frequently as deemed necessary. In acute cases this could be daily.

Psychiatric Upgrades of the Peer-Assisted Open Dialogue. Key points of how POD is different.

A Circle: no one above, no one below. Each takes their place in the Circle.

Peers – an Invaluable Resource.By Peers, I mean a person who has had a similar crisis within the Psychiatric System. Also known as a former Patient. I consider as a possible translator – my own speculation.

To repeat, the key elements are:
Physician Wellness and Evolution via Mindfulness Training.
Multidisciplinary, non-heirarchal team approach.
Listening to the patient. Yes! Listen.
Too Simple to be True?
It is Simple. And it is True.
Include a Peer. Someone with experience as a Patient in Crisis.

Russell Razzaque on Breakdowns and Spirituality. 30 minute talk from the London-based Psychiatrist, Russell Razzaque. He leads the Research Team in England.Open Dialogue is a System Transformation. It is a Whole System Change. It is about Everyone coming together in a Different Way.

Transcribed, partly Paraphrased:

Rather than try to get the Patient back to where they originally started, …perhaps there is somewhere this experience is taking the Patient.
Be open to the variation of each individual.
We do need a different attitude to the Suffering we have. Because it is ubiquitous to the way we run ourselves as a Society today.
…Epic scale of inequality we are seeing everywhere.
…Recalibrate our Relationship with Suffering.
Not something to push away or deny, try to remove and get rid of. Look at it as something that contains some Real Healing for us, as well.

Pain equals “Attention Here”.
…Wherever possible, try to find the message in pain … to learn about our True Nature.
True Nature is different for Everybody.
Enabling Everyone to have their Journey: find their Reality through their Pain. We can All Learn from each other.
My Pain takes Me to My Understanding.
Your Pain takes You to Your Understanding.
We can Respect Each Other’s Understanding.

We, as a Society, can start Learning from each other.
…Respect Everybody’s Individual Wisdom.
There is not One Truth that we are going to follow.
Allow everybody to have their Truth.

Practically: What to do about this?

He describes research findings: two groups of people with OOE, Out of the Ordinary Experiences. One got into the Psychiatric System ending up on Antipsychotic Medications and remained in the system for decades. The other managed to Integrate their experiences and stayed out of the Psychiatric System. Biggest difference between the two groups was that the second was surrounded by a system of Acceptance & Validation. They were Listened to and Respected.
Should not be about whether something is Real but whether it Serves a Compassionate Purpose.

Dr. Razzaque sees a day when Psychiatrists will stop being the Reality Police.

Open Dialogue, originating in Finland, is a good Avenue to start to change the way Mental Health Services are delivered.
74% of the Patients who suffered an Acute Episode of Psychosis were back to work or study at two years. And Out of the System. Ten Times higher than the results of the British Mental Health System.The Experimentation occurred on the backdrop of some of the worst Mental Health Services in the World, Finland. Set an environment of being willing to try something completely different.
Everybody sits together to find meaning in what is going on. Anyone who wants to be involved is welcomed to the Process.
Open Dialogue has started to setup in various places around the World.
Four Locations starting Pilot Projects within the U.K. 50-60 Clinicians. 10-15 Psychiatrists.

Most Important thing we are teaching people is to become an Expert in Not Being an Expert. To Unlearn What We Have Learned.
…We can grow as much as anybody else through this process.
…There is no “Them” and “Us”. … All of us have Our Wounds.
We all benefit from sharing the process rather than pretending to be the Fixer: the Healer and the Wounded. It is more a relationship of Equals.

Conference March 11, 2015 in Central London 600 people registered. A lot of interest in this.
If we can Change the way we Deliver Our Mental Healthcare, it can have a Fundamental Ripple Effect on the rest of Society as a whole.
We can start to all Listen to Each Other rather than consider this is Normal, this is Not Normal.

If someone says that a Mental Illness is just like a Physical Illness, just ask: What is the Physical Test to know that someone is Mentally Ill?
There isn’t one. There never has been one.
…There is no way of discerning that somebody has this physical change going on.
There is a huge debate as to whether there are actually things that are happening.
Different Schools of Thought on this. There is no clear cut answer.

Recently heard a talk from a Neuroscience Expert. There are Theories of various Chemical Imbalances. They are just Theories – Reverse-Engineered by the fact that certain drugs had effects on the Symptoms. Lots of debate on this.
Some people find some comfort to think of the Biological Illness Construct. It helps them. Then it can work.
But other people vehemently reject it. They find that it doesn’t help them.
Working with People in a way that Allows them to Lead, working on a way to Understand their Experiences – very Important.
We have to admit with some Humility that we do not have the same level of Technical Certainty that other Branches of Medicine have.
We can be in that Uncertain place and allow others to offer their input.
…This is a Grey Area. I think it is Important to Treat it as Such.

WHO, World Health Organization 10 years ago
– outcomes of Psychosis compared between Undeveloped Countries and Developed Western Countries. Relapse Rate lower in the Undeveloped Countries.
Taught in Medical School. Kind of brushed under the Carpet. Kind of Embarrassing.
When you go to those undeveloped Countries, they are doing these kinds of things (similar to Open Dialogue). …
If it works, it works. I am for anything that works for whatever person.
It will be that Person and their Belief System that helps them Define that.

Recounted working with Patients with Violent Tendencies. Varied results: sometimes settled in 2-4 weeks, other times 2-6 months. Dr. Razzaque would ask Patients, what do you think got you better? About half of them at least said: it’s the Spirits, they are gone now. “Who am I to say that is wrong? What do I really know?” Dr. Razzaque asked himself.
To Know that We Don’t Know is the most Important Thing … in terms of the Clinician.

Described Ram Dass asking his Teacher about LSD. The Teacher sampled it and felt nothing different. Even a handful of LSD doses had no impact. Was felt that he always existed in the place that LSD can take a person – a shortcut. For most people the LSD trip is not longlasting. Other methods get one there in a more permanent fashion. Taking a drug like LSD feels very violent when you exist far away from that (enlightened or expanded consciousness, my addition) place.

Open Dialogue is a System Transformation. It is a Whole System Change. It is about Everyone coming together in a Different Way.

…Mindfulness also very valuable for Clinicians to own their own stuff and not let it get in the way. Not a lot of Emotional Education in Healthcare. I advocate Mindfulness (if it works for you). Voluntary.
…Recognizing your Thoughts are not who you really Are. For me, the most Important Part.
Dr. Razzaque ran a 15 minute Daily Mindfulness Practice on a Psychiatric Inpatient Ward. Open to anyone who wanted to turn up, staff or patient. The Staff did not come, but some of the Patients did. Must be voluntary. No one can feel pressured to Engage in the Spiritual Journey.

He recommends Pema Chodron’s book “Wisdom of No Escape” as it helped him.
Also notes another of her books “The Places That Scare You”.
Talking about the Messiness etc make us Who We Are. We can’t be anything unless we are all these messy things too. The Challenge is not to remove these parts of us. The challenge is to find a way to be present with them and to allow them to be as they are. We stop being dominated by the need to remove them.
*********** End Dr. Razzaque video paraphrasing.

Author states: Within Psychiatry the biggest obstacle to change is the pervasive biological dogma, that is so pervasive.I echo that sentiment as a Canadian Trained Family Doctor.
“Love is the Force”. Jaako Seikula, a Psychiatrist and one of the original Doctors in Open Dialogue in Finland. Made this statement while delivering a talk in the Medical Conference setting.

Enjoyed reading the book Spiritual Psychiatries where Natalie Tobert shared her experiences as a Medical Anthropologist.
“In India the use of a multiplicity of medical, alternative, complementary, religious and/or spiritual strategies to address human suffering is not controversial,” Tobert writes. “It is normal syncretic practice for people to try a plurality of treatments to address their well being.” The author also finds that this practice stems, at least in part, from a cultural view that sees mental illness as an almost entirely transitory state—and one that can be overcome. Natalie Tobert, Spiritual Psychiatries

Important to distinguish that Psychiatric Episodes are regarded as a transitory state in India. Alternate viable models exist. Contrasts starkly with the Biomedical Model I have experienced as both a Doctor and a Psychiatric Patient.

Be Mindful of the Lesson. Challenge what you Believe to be True.
Fear perpetuates Fear. Stay Calm.
When you Understand your Fear, you can Act Cooperatively.
The Result: Harmony & Holistic Health.
Upgrade Normal to Optimal.

In a Nutshell: When you Treat a Bear without Understanding the Bear, it is Dangerous for both You and the Bear. The Bear represents the person in acute crisis presenting to the Mental Health System.

Brings up an important question: What is Normal?
Who gets to decide this?
To my experience, the lines are many shades of grey. Caregivers in the Inpatient system had a more black and white approach. Language used is extremely biased. New terminology use offers new opportunities for effectual communication. I am a big fan of the use of the terms shared reality and unshared reality.

Concept of Normal: not a fan. I love to consider optimal. Optimal is different for each one of us. Optimal cannot be dictated from someone else. The missing link in the Psychiatric System that I experienced as a Patient is the ability to connect to a Human Being in crisis. Despite the intentions, care feels more like imprisonment. One viable mindset holding another viable mindset captive. It does not have to continue. Excitement always rises when I consider that there are caregivers right now in different parts of the world creating Therapeutic Alliances with People in Crisis. We can argue over whether that crisis is Spiritual Emergency, Psychosis or other. Integrative Psychiatry, Transpersonal Psychology, Spiritual Emergency. I will not go into any of these terms but love that they exist as a signpost to show there may be more than one way to look at the issues. The terminology debate continues. Perhaps there are many different processes under the same name when actually more terms are required. I do not know. I do not know is an empowering statement within any Field of Medicine. When we admit we do not know, we are open to learn. We are more likely to look with fresh eyes, heart and mind. When we wonder what is happening with our patients, we can connect to the best options for care. Medicine lumps patients into large groupings. Pragmatic, yes. Optimal. Likely not.

Lovely that the National Health Service in England is embarking on a large study of the promising POD, Peer-Assisted Open Dialogue, style of delivering Acute Care Psychiatry. I consider what this could mean for the Acute Care System in Canada, my home at the moment.
We could start to implement aspects of this care immediately. No Research required. I learned in Medical School the importance of listening to my Patients. Somehow, the Psychiatric World felt immune to this important rule in developing a Healthy Therapeutic Relationship. Yes, unshared reality exists with Patients and Psychiatrists. It does not negate the essential therapeutic role of being heard. Not simply answering the Biomedical Model questions that railroad you into a corner. I learned about the importance of open questions in Medical School. As a patient in Psychiatry, I am shocked at the high percentage of closed, assuming, judgmental questions I have been asked to answer – especially when in crisis. POD offers the ability to compassionately review the unshared reality. I challenge the assumption that the Clinician’s view of Reality is the only viable one on offer in this world. Truth looks differently from each perspective.

Addendum September 21, 2015:
Thinking about the above picture where Truth as a 3D tube gives off true shadows shaped as either a 2 Dimensional square or circle, depending on the perspective. Imagine Truth originating from the 4th Dimension, 5D or even higher? It is quite difficult for our minds to be able to conceptualize. Reality will be perceived within the parameters of our physical and mental abilities to perceive. It is not surprising the grand variety of perceptions that exist among us. Food for thought.

If you are Crazy, then I want to go to Crazytown! A jovial conversation with an esthetician April 2015 led to this remark. Turns out this was only a few days before I was, yet again, admitted involuntarily to a Psychiatric Hospital. My experiences of unshared reality – Psychiatrists term Psychosis- negate many rights and freedoms instantaneously. I keep getting caught. Ha ha. This was my 3rd time in captivity within the Mental Health System. Each visit had been progressively less distressing and less severe. Even the first time, within a couple of days I returned to shared reality.

With an increase in Lithium side effects January 2015, I reduced to a subtherapeutic dose of 300mg. Five months later, the Crazytown visit. I have a Scientific mind. I need to know. Do I really need medications? Only one way to find out. I am convinced I will not always need them. It was proven that this dose allowed me to go there, that unshared Reality place, again …at this time. My experience there was very positive. A roadtrip with my daughter to test for her Karate Black Belt, achieved, proceeded this spell. My regular communication with the people around me was not flowing, as was communication with Spirits. I was tuned to an alternate radio station so to speak. My family tried to handle things at home. Very reluctant to take me to the Hospital. Sadly, I had not written out the notes I had promised to so they did not know what to do. Notes have been written now. The Lithium dose was increased to 900mg, tripled, to address this acute state of what is termed Mania with features of Unshared Reality. I bumped down to the shared consensus reality promptly in less than a day. I often think that I take medication for the comfort of others. My perception is my escapades in unshared reality serve me very well, in an Evolutionary sense. Call me Crazy. I love saying/writing that. Brings a smile to my face every time. Yes, I am aware that this sounds very crazy to others. Perceptions vary.

At the Hospital, I knew where I was, why I was there and what to expect. No need to freak out. Mindfulness is a powerful style of living. Circumstances that I cannot control were/are optimally not to be focused upon. Focus on the positives while staying at the Relaxation Spa, otherwise known as Hospital.

Fun Fact: I awoke that second morning to 3 inches of snow (May 2015 – unseasonable to say the least) and an NDP Government. After 44 years of Right Wing political rule, the election the prior day yielded a shocking turnaround with the Left Wing taking power.Has Hell Frozen Over? read the headline. I shook my head a few times thinking perhaps I was still in unshared reality. Tickled with the result. Some new energy in the air that day. This was the first ever election that I did not cast a vote. There was an offer in Hospital but I chose not to exercise my citizen right that time. Truth is Stranger than Fiction they say.

Two close friends were visiting, each of us happy to be together. There were not enough chairs for everyone so we were all standing. I always wear my clothes just like at home. I am not the lay around in pajamas type. I did not even wear pyjamas thoughout my stay – leggings at night with a tshirt. Call me Crazy … it is official after all. I felt well and ready to go home by the second or third day. The nurses had changed shifts. My nurse was coming in to meet me for the first time. Looking at the gaggle of ladies, she asked, “which one of you is the patient?” We all had a good laugh. I probably would not even remember but my girlfriend keeps bringing it up for a chuckle ever since. These friends fully support me and see the challenges within the Mental Health System as I do.

The gentleman friend in my life in that era visited a couple of times. One of my Best Friends. One Friday night we just laid side by side for hours enjoying each other’s company and talking. Similar to if I was at home. I was very thankful for that long visit. I made the best of the situation I found myself in. On another visit, a kiss we shared happened to be witnessed by my Nurse. Checking and charting, as was her job. She returned to announce that fornicating (she actually chose to use this word) was not allowed in the hospital. My eyes wide. Ok. It was not really on my mind but good to know. He and I had such a good laugh over the nurse’s monologue. A lot of stumbling over words, not making proper sentences, then landing on the word fornication. There is a puritanical ring to that word choice. Maybe you had to be there. Another Truth is Stranger than Fiction moment.

Days later, my mom and I were having a serious discussion with the Psychiatrist. His scare tactics did not work on my mom this time as they had after the first admission. She had learned via direct experience, the very best kind, that what he says was not necessarily the Gospel Truth. I had already defied his prior advice and my brain, by some miracle, was still functioning. It was not a pile of ashes as was his prediction if I ever tried to stop my medications. By then, my mom had heard many alternate ways of looking at my episodes. He made strategic use of the getting caught kissing incident. Relevant to note that the kiss occurred with my friend lying on top of me. …Now that was a lovely kiss and cuddle. Surprised even me how my Psychiatrist read out the nursing note to my mom, with my permission, in the context of “see, she is really unwell. Her behavior is very inappropriate.” There was that puritanical ring again. It was Epic. My mom, taken aback, clearly stated that she did not feel it was inappropriate at all. He had some backpedaling to do. That remark pounded the last nail into the coffin that was my mom’s allegiance with the Psychiatric System. Smiling ear to ear, I was. Made the entire 3rd admission worthwhile.

Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts. (Sign hanging in Einstein’s office at Princeton)

The checking and charting was incessant this time around. Reflecting back it was due to my refusal to take anti-psychotic medication. I was on q15min observation. Meaning they had to check me every 15 minutes. First admission, after refusal for a few days I took prescribed meds and proceeded to have almost no affect – doctor talk for showing no emotions- and gained 25 pounds around my waist. The meds actually caused Depression but I recognized it for what it was and weaned myself off all antipsychotics quite rapidly once I was home. Depression was cured.The old name for Bipolar was Manic-Depression. Treat Mania with a sledgehammer of multiple medications, then you will see depression. Viola!
Second hospitalization, I was held down and injected with Haldol, an antipsychotic putting me into a light coma for 2 days -something to recover from thereafter. Took a few days. I captured my assaulting experience in a story It’s All Fun & Games.

So this time around, I felt in control to choose. Nice. I very neutrally picked which med I would take. Leaving behind the rejects. Even when I was completely in my unshared Reality, I knew what Lithium looked like. I noticed my quick return to consensus reality with simply tripling the Lithium. So why take the anti-psychotic? Made sense.
This resulted in my Psychiatrist requesting the assessment of a second Psychiatrist. When she agreed that I required the anti-psychotic medications (two different ones) as well, I was given one last chance to comply. Communication turned around somewhere. I had agreed with her that I would take the one I was familiar with, knowing I would discontinue it upon discharge. When offered meds, the familiar one was not there so I refused again. This resulted in a New Upgraded Removal of my Freedom. A Legally Empowered Certificate was officially prepared Certifying me Incompetent to Make my own Treatment Decisions. When you do not agree with the Doctor, they get the Law on their side. You are deemed wrong, toosick to make your own decisions. Serious lossof your Rights & Freedoms.A lot of Power given to two Doctors in tandem. ***Interject an enormous recommendation: This Power would more optimally sit in the hands of a Multidisciplinary Group, including a Peer.****** Allowing such significant Rights to be removed to rest in the hands of two people who share the same Mindset and training after years of indoctrination does not hold a lot of Logic. The idea that there needs to be two Psychiatrists originates with the intention of protecting the Patient from a rogue Doctor. What if they are both rogues? Just asking. In a worst case scenario, this could lead to being injected with long-acting antipsychotic medication. A frightening prospect. With the amount of uncertainty with the safety and efficacy of this category of medications, it would be assault to force injection.The Anatomy of an Epidemic author Robert Whitaker reviews the Scientific literature in this one hour talk, Global Psychiatric Epidemic.
By chance, my Medical School Classmate, now a Psychiatrist, happened to walk by my room within a minute of my learning my new Legally Backed Label: Incompetent. It was official. In my panic, I engaged in conversation about this. Not the best choice. He was taken aback and clearly could not get involved. He had a soundbite at the ready reminding me that this would also be appealed at my hearing. Whew!! There was time. My imagination saw my checking and charting nurse coming around the corner with a giant syringe. The gavel of a Judge upright in the other hand. Dum da dum dum!!

…two different instruments of the United Nations have declared involuntary neurolepticization a form of torture. Neurolepticization is another way of saying treating with antipsychotic medication, the long term injectible types especially. It would be so much harder and inconvenient to force daily oral medications. Excerpt from an article Yes, the Tide is Turning Against Psychiatry by Bonnie Burstow, PhD. She paints a very unsettling picture. I cannot help but feel great compassion for those treated involuntarily in this system. I have been that person on three occasions. Not highlights of my Life. The Power Balance between Doctor and Patient needs treatment, Stat!!

First action I took upon admission was to Appeal the Involuntary Order in my care. So my hearing date was set and ready. This time around it took only 8 days for my turn to be heard. A fairly long sentence if you value Freedom. Thus, I remained in Hospital for 8 days. What a coincidence! Not. I struck a deal… offered by my Psychiatrist on Day 6. I agreed to take the antipsychotics. In return, he would cancel the two certificates and discharge me … on the 8th day. I pretended to take one of the two prescribed types of antipsychotic pills on these last couple of days prior to discharge. I tucked the pill under my tongue … and proceeded to flush it down the toilet. Another patient reminded me of this effective option. Felt so childish. Childish is as childish does. So rather than going through the Appeal process, I was just discharged. Legally, I was probably free to discharge myself after the deal. Thinking about Goodwill, I decided as much as I did not need the Hospital, I could honor the deal in this way. This whole line of thinking sounds so unlike Healthcare to me. But then again, what do I know about Healthcare? As a fully trained Family Physician, quite a lot! By some Miracle, I was very well upon discharge without any antipsychotic medication. I have since changed Psychiatrists. He was thrice my Captor. He had his turns. Nothing personal. I ended up learning a lot about the System as a result. I met another version of the mindset in another Psychiatrist, no surprise. I was asked for the very first time to describe what happened to me in my own words. Impressed. And surprised! I tested the water with a guarded response. Turned out it she did not really want the full answer. Fair enough. Now I also am connected with an Occupational Health Practitioner. I see them as having a key role to play in an Upgraded Mental Health System.

It is such a challenge for the caregivers and the patients in this system. My connection and inspiration by the knowledge that there is an alternate approach to Mental Healthcare being used right now in both Finland for over ten years and England started this year puts wind in my sails to empower my personal choices. Even when they do not match the Caregivers’ ideas. I have written an article about the Peer-Assisted Open Dialogue, POD, concept now being studied in six separate National Health Trusts in England. The key concepts are: The Patient along with chosen family/friends sit in a non-heirarchal meetings along with a Psychiatrist and one or more other Mental Healthcare Workers as often as is needed to make care decisions. Could include Occupational Health Workers. A Peer – someone who has personal experience as a Patient- also sits in the therapeutic circle. Medication use is minimized, ideally meeting several times before decisions are made. Extreme states of unshared reality are often treated with medications but with the view to minimize medication use. Notable is that all Healthcare Staff would receive Mindfulness training. Key!

Addendum #1:

Cool Coincidence: I met my special friend again from my first hospitalization, October 2012. After being caught lying next to him in bed – on top of all covers, holding hands (to be clear, nothing to do with sex) – I was sent to lockdown. It was my third strike following hugging other patients and smoking in the bathroom with a patient. My behavior was deemed out of control. I agree it was truly outside their control. Benevolent to say the least. I stepped over a line of what had been socially agreed upon by English Protestants hundreds of years ago. Shame on me. I say this lightly with a smile, no hard feelings (anymore). My caregivers followed a rule book that did not match mine. It was authentic for me to act like a Hippie – loving, free with hugs and affection. It scared them to see me expressing my Humanity in that way. There are likely many that will think I am joking. I wish I was.

Each soul is on its own perfect journey and everyone experiences exactly what they are meant to when they are meant to. Panache Desai

My friend and I ended up on opposite wards so it was only by chance he was walking through my ward. Mutual enthusiasm to see each other again. We each remembered the other’s name – quite a feat considering meds we were both bombarded with on the first, for both of us, admission. I have no explanation for the fact that he was in for the second time within a week of me in July 2013. My third was also his third admission. One little difference is his Psychiatrist “undiagnosed” him. The Doctor recognized that what my friend was experiencing was not Schizophrenia. I had thought he shared my label but apparently not. He was all Quantum Physics/Human Evolution in our talk: shared Philosophy with myself. So now we are Facebook Friends. Will keep in touch. What are the chances that we both would follow the same Psychotic Schedule aka Unshared Reality Schedule? Unlikely timing. Hypothesis: Environmental Energy or possibly the Collective Consciousness does influence our Personal Experiences. The Left Wing Politicians came into power during that same time. Wow! Unprecedented in my Lifetime. Definitely was something in the air May 2015.

Read an article giving advice on raising Conscious, Aware children. If we could apply this to Patients, for lack of a better word, in the Psychiatric World, it would be an upgrade.
#1. Teach them emotions are OK.
#2. Remove programming of good or bad behavior.
#3. Listen to them.Do not laugh or discard what they tell you, no matter how unrealistic or “off” it may sound. There is so much you can learn from your child and if you can learn to perceive without judgement or rationalizing what they are saying you can pierce beyond the veil. It is your programming, that rationalizes, children do not lie.#4. They have a gift to give.

This is just great advice on how one Human Being would treat another. Whether Prisoner, Ill, Uneducated, Hurt Feelings, Angry outbursts … you get the idea. History would show that until a person feels heard, nothing will change within them. No matter how badly they appear in need of help.

For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them. Thich Nhat Hanh

Patient Passivity of the Biomedical Model disempowers Recovery. I learned that via my own experience in the Medical System as a Family Doctor. Passive Patients: settle into their illnesses. True Recovery requires Agency from the patient where they actively contribute and create their Recovery.Most Psychiatrists are so saturated in the Passivity model that they do not recognize when someone presents from the Agency model. Lewis Mehl-Madrona MD, Barbara Mainguay MA from The International Society for the Psychological and Social Approaches to Psychosis, United States Chapter.

Insanity is defined as doing the same thing again and again expecting a different result. Albert Einstein

Manic episodes — those times of euphoria, grandiosity and impulsiveness — are triggered by the collapsing of the ego or mask. It is as though the soul is allowed to be free for the first time. Just like a dog that is tied to a chain its entire life and then finally breaks free, it runs wild, explores, and does whatever it can, because it can finally be the animal it was meant to be.

A spiritual awakening is much the same process. Like those times of mania, it involves taking off the mask and living as our true self for the first time. If treated as a spiritual dis-ease, this is the unexpected gift that bipolar disorder can offer — a short-cut to enlightenment. The mania pole can reveal to us our strongest and deepest desires, and exactly how our personal energy truly wishes to be expressed, while the depression pole shows us – in no uncertain terms – the areas of our lives that are not being lived in total alignment with our most honest truth. Quote taken from an article by Cortland Pfeffer with Irwin Ozborne. Bipolar? or Gifted?

Summarized by envisioning the tender young shoot that springs up when the rock is first lifted. Paul Levy’sAnalogy. An increased energy flows through the body system for the first time. It is a time of crisis as the body is overwhelmed with this change occurring faster than adaptation can adjust. My hypothesis is that some people live out a steady rise in the energy and get to the same place without the dramatic Health Crisis that many Bipoloar Manic Patients experience.

Bottom Line: We have a lot to talk about in Crazytown. It would be beneficial to gather many perspectives and talk about what Crazy is … and what Crazy isn’t. Most importantly, what about the Balance of Power? Again, many perspectives are required to tackle that one.

It is no measure of Health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick Society. Krishnamurti

Fear In The NowSocially accepted levels of insanity …
Suffering that which does not exist …If you were rooted in reality, there would be no Fear. Sadhguru

Fear works in mysterious ways. One of the least mysterious is watching or listening to the Bad News – for lack of a better word. Not sure who decided that fear-inspiring news, my translation of bad, would supercede so completely the good, love-inspiring news on radio, TV and other electronic forms. Clearly anyone involved with the production has made a choice. If anyone were to ask the Disabled Angel, that would be me, what she thought about this, she would say:

“You are Free to Choose.
I encourage you to Choose Consciously.
You are Free to Change your Mind at Anytime.”

A conversation January 13, 2015 with a friend reminded me about this topic. He was expressing the fear rising in him when he heard about videos from Islam recruiting help from developed Nations, including Canada, to eliminate people not of Islamic faith. I take it for granted that I am more immune to this type of news now. He appeared deeply surprised that I could feel as neutral to this as I did. Discussion dove down quite deeply. Strongly aligned conversationalists for me are a Treasured Resource in my Life. This friend, Mr. Music, is one. I know he will be pleased with this nickname. As much as possible, I do not name names.

Do you Believe that you control your Reality?The question I posed to him. His answer surprised and enlightened me. It was, No. God does.

On one hand, it was no surprise. It was my sense that this answer would be more popular than my own,Yes, to this same question. We had aligned so well on nearly every topic. Yet this was a significant difference that escaped my attention until I point blank asked him. If it is True that everyone controls their Reality, even if it lacks full consciousness, it helps me to choose not to take on vibrations that I do not want to consciously hold … like Fear. My understanding sits well with me: the best way to counteract the less than full consciousness of Creative Power in others is to fully own my own. The more harmonious I can coexist with those around me, the better for me … and others. Maybe not a challenge living in a peaceful land like Canada. And yet …

Be Mindful of the Lesson. Challenge what you Believe to be True.
Fear perpetuates Fear. Stay Calm …
When you Understand your Fear, you can Act Cooperatively.
The Result: Harmony & Holistic Health.
Upgrade Normal to Optimal.

In a Nutshell: When you Treat a Bear without Understanding the Bear, it is Dangerous for both You and the Bear.

Yes, here I go again. The Bear symbolizes to me a Human Being in crisis involuntarily placed in Psychiatric Care. My History. No argument of there being a crisis, but when understanding is blind to relevant missing elements, the treatment will be sub-optimal at best and newly creating its own illness at worst. Fear is rampant in the system out of proportion to Reality – hints at empowering solutions yet to be discovered. When one is afraid, one loses access to the Creative Genius within. We must. Acknowledge. Fear. And deal with it accordingly. Another tip: Reality does not look the same to everyone … and that is OK. Seek first to understand before being understood. The trick is not what is unknown but what is known and lacking in Fundmental Truth. Assumptions have been made often in history only to be cast aside with deeper truth shining through. Humanity is enriched with Open-mindedness, Creative Thinking and a Pioneering Spirit to uncover these instances. New discoveries have been, are, and will be celebrated.

The Lady. A movie made about Aung San Suu Kyi’s life. I enjoyed. Recommend.

(Start February 4, 2015 portion)

I sit here and ponder: Is this all True? I allude to some channeled question and answers I was writing out. Not for the purposes of storytelling. Field Work. Conversations with my Spirit Friends, using the term of my Tutor at the Arthur Findlay College (of Mediumship and Mysticism).

I write my own Story. The words continue to accumulate as solid evidence. Is it my Imagination? Is it just my tapping into my highest abilities to know the truth of what is possible on Earth right now? It seems the finest, most subtle movement between these two concepts: Reality and Imagination. It is difficult to conceptualize the distance between them. Perhaps the distance between them is exactly what you believe the distance between them is. That is our Creative Power. I sense a Beautiful Truth in that. Explains why we are all Right, as in Correct. I am playing with the idea that Reality and Imagination are Siamese Twins. One and the same entity. No distance between them. They share both Heart and Mind. Quantum Physics upgrades to the Physics of Consciousness. I have a fondness for Science as it is in my History. It attempts to quell my/our fears of the unknown. It makes them known … sort of. If you are an in up to the elbows Scientist, I trust you know what I mean. The Box Science creates for us to play in is finite unless you are using Quantum Physics. Just Sayin’ …

I solidly conclude that the details of some of my far reaching explorations of my crazy, as I so affectionately call it, really have no validity for anyone but me. There is no reason for anyone to believe it. Eureka! Clarity hits. I have to decide if I believe it. First and foremost. With the Physics of Consciousness, it makes sense to me. I am capable of believing it. Personal evidence is extremely subtle and uses senses that I am learning about. In another dimension? That is my go to when I perceive things that are outside of my prior mindset possibility. I settle into the idea that it could be true. It might be true. A firm decision does not have to be made. I roll it around in my mind. It delights me. I enjoy it. I embrace uncertainty. If I have perceived it, does that not make it true? In some way, on some level? I answer Yes. Big breakthrough for me though, is that it does not necessarily make it true for everyone. We are all Sovereign Beings, free to choose our Reality. Drive our own cars. Create Our Cages so to speak. A Cage is just as easily described as a Home. Just another way of saying: Live and Let Live.

I have a Passion for Freedom. Freedom of Choice.

I am very wary of anyone who wants to infringe on my Freedom. Or anyone’s Freedom. We do have influence over each other – energetically speaking. When we use it consciously, a grace and ease can enter into our Communities like rarely known in Documented History. Everyone gravitates towards their Passions. They create joyfully and efficiently. It all gets done. Basic needs get met for Everyone. May take a while to get Everyone on board. Who knows? More time for the more elaborate needs and wants. A Girl Can Dream…

If you are locked in a cage, you will instantly want to know where your boundaries are. You will want to feel the walls, the floor, reach up and touch the ceiling. “Oh, that is how big my cage is.” I saw a plexiglass cube as I wrote this.

An analogy came to me. If you are like me, when you enter a new Hotel room, the first thing you do is check out all of the amenities. Bathroom: tub and/or shower? Magnifying mirror? Bidet? Always a no in my world so far. Ha ha. How many beds? Size of beds? Mini Bar? Peek in. Anything I might like? Usually no. Safe for valuables? Iron? Robe? Etc. You get the point.

I recall when I was locked into involuntary Psychiatric Care. The very same approach. For the first portion, I was confined to the ward. A little more there than a hotel room. Enrichment for the Prisoners. I had the unique experience of checking out all 3 wards on my first stay. The first ward had an electronic keyboard with sheet music. I had a good time with that, let me tell you. Possibly other patients went deeper into their crazy because I could not stop. The 2nd ward was the lock down (too much love). Minimal amenities but a high-tech bathtub! It had functions I had never before known. Simple Pleasures. The third ward had the classical upright piano, slightly twangy, but enjoyed perusing the music books. Not as forgiving as the electronic keyboard. The acoustic sounds I made with that piano, more limited to the range of instruments you can play on a keyboard. Match the instrument to the song … So fun. More expansive …

So this originally went down during my nearly daily channel February 4, 2015. I remind myself that one big reason to publish my stories is to Share My Crazy. If you have never been officially titled as I have, possibly you are interested. It tends to be something to Fear by the Traditional Mindset. I definitely Feared it, until I experienced it for myself. Now that I have been there, I encourage an Upgrade to that Fear. If Crazy is just Truth that is not approved and recognized by the old rulebook, is that really so scary? I have noted a recent addition to my frequently used phrases list: There is a Method to my Madness. It feels more and more true with each passing day. Yay for me!!

(End February 4, 2015 portion)

From The Secret Daily Teachings Mobile AppThere is a difference between feeling gratitude and appreciation for something, and feeling attachment to something. Appreciation and gratitude are states of pure love, while attachment contains fear – fear of losing or not having what you are attached to. When it comes to something you want in your life, appreciation and gratitude attracts, and attachment pushes away. If you are feeling afraid that you will not get what you want, or losing what you have, then you have attachment.

To remove the attachment, keep shifting yourself into a state of appreciation and gratitude, until you can feel that the fear has gone.

***************
Attachment … is a word. Fear, Control and Authority: Our History. Love. The opposite to Fear. How many of us truly appreciate what Love is? When more of us know the fundamental Freedom of Highest Order Love, without attachment, the World will know Peace.

LOVE IS YOURS

To love, to keep your heart open in spite of ‘outer’ circumstances, to shine the light of your love, to illuminate rather than seeking to be illuminated, constantly waiting for others to shine on you; that is the greatest joy, greater than all the riches of the world. To offer love-light freely, to stay close to your own heart, so it no longer needs protecting, or defending, just nurturing, closeness, connection, attention.

To always listen to the heart. And even if you have to walk away, even if you have to give a clear ‘no’, to never walk away from your own heart, never stop your shining because of ‘others’. There are no ‘others’ for the ancient heart, only hearts, only self-shining Suns, the same light, and the apparent closing of ‘other’ hearts need never be an excuse to stop shining.

Love asks but never demands, appreciates but never needs, cherishes but does not cling.

When expectations drop from love, we cannot be disappointed, for in the heart there is space even for shattered expectations. We shine not to get anything, or to control anyone, but to feel ourselves shine, feel the warmth and closeness of our own love, self-generated, beaming on others who are not others at all; the greatest bliss.

January 22, 2015 While getting ready for the day, I was putting on make-up. It was near to impossible with Intention Tremor showing a stronger face than ever before. People had noticed a faint tremor in my hands from time to time. I noticed the Intention Tremor, a common side effect of Lithium, once in a while. It never got in the way of my fine motor requirements until this day.
Side effect suddenly very strong. Next question: would I benefit from stopping Lithium? No. Reducing? Yes. I had been taking 600 mg following my initial titration off of 2 other meds and then 50 % reduction from the 1200mg Lithium dose used during my Inpatient stay with a Manic Episode back in October 2012. By January 2013, my titration activities were completed.

Loved the weak-voiced declaration I made to myself within weeks of discharge from the traumatic Involuntary Inpatient experience, complete with a short stint in Lock Down. I declared, If I believe the System and the Doctors, my Life as I have known and dreamt about would be over.

My Best Chance is to Believe In Myself: Wholeheartedly.

What have I got to lose? I am a Doctor. I know how tightly the Medical Establishment can cling on to concepts. Letting Go is not their Forte. In the case of Psychiatry as a Specialty Field, the shame associated with the current Scientific Beliefs compared to my own Expert (based on my own personal experience as both a Patient and a Doctor) Opinion would be enough to inspire Suicide. I fully forgive any and all involved. Absolved of all Offense. This System was created by Players long dead. I Understand as few on Earth now could. I have the deepest Compassion. The concept that Manic Patients lack insight is the Order 66 neutralizing the Power of a unique Creative Force in our World. Now termed the Bipolar Patient. In my case, I upgrade to someone who has had an OOE (Out of the Ordinary Experience) that initiated a process of healing in a Wounded Healer. The Field of Psychiatry has a lot more to lose than I do.

Medical History often reads like a Horror Book. Psychiatric Stories are just another Chapter.

The Hippocratic Oath: Primum non nocere. First, Do No Harm

Another way to state it is that, given an existing problem, it may be better not to do something, or even to do nothing, than to risk causing more harm than good.

Whenever any Patient takes a Medication, I am concerned that the Hippocratic Oath is violated. Lots of room for Discussion there. In Psychiatry, Big Pharma is so intertwined with Science, Experts are challenged to see the Forest for the Trees.

I have a habit of beating around the bush with my Stories. This writing is a departure. My experiences as a Psychiatric Patient and a Family Doctor together have Transmutated my Understanding. Transmutation is the Key. Understanding the concept falls into the Teachings of Quantum Physics.

Take a Quantum Leap of Faith. If you have not already done so.

Bruce Lipton (1:22 Short Video), Author of Biology of Belief, a former Scientific Researcher who stumbled upon Epigenetics decades ago before it was even a Science. Epigenetics is a Science that formed when it became apparent that the Environment influences our Genetic Expressions. Our Thoughts, our Perceptions about the World are translated into Chemical Secretions by the Brain. The secretions go into the Blood which is the Culture Medium of the 50 Trillion cells in my Skin-covered Petri Dish. The Composition of the Culture Medium controls the Genetics. … You Change the Chemistry by Changing Your Perceptions. When you Change Your Perceptions, You Change Your Genetic Activity. Bruce Lipton. The OLD message: genes determine your life. You are Victim to your genes. The New Science turns it completely around. You can influence your genes and their products via your Perception. You are Master of your Biology.

To Integrate the Important Concepts of Quantum Physics & Epigenetics into Healthcare Will Reap Miraculous Results. Keep in mind that a Miracle is just Reality viewed through a different Lens or Mindset. A different Perception.

Fear Mindset Distorts Perception

Could not help but Notice:

1. The Professionals giving Inpatient Care are Blinded by Fear … of the Patients. Clear to my perception was the Fear from harm at the hands of the patients far outstripped the True Risk. Fear is a Powerful Force. Challenges efforts of Discernment. Good Healthcare hard-pressed when delivered through the lens of Fear. Human Atrocities clutter the History Books when Fear and Misunderstanding are combined.

2. Those same Professionals appeared more unwell to my Discerning Eye than most of the Inpatients around me. Skepticism and mistrust have a lower Energetic Vibration.

3. The Psychiatric Inpatient System would benefit from Collaboration with Psychics or Medical Intuitives, for lack of a better description. Artful skills in Holistic Human Wellness and the Energetic Component of same would Synergize any and all Healthcare.

4. Mode of Questioning in Acute Psychiatric Assessment breaks most of the Rules taught in Medical School. Questions were very closed and incriminating. Personally, I felt railroaded into the box they call Mania. There was no Allowance for Discovery. The Medical Professional makes the assumption that Scientific Knowledge in this area is correct and valid. There is no other area in Medicine where the Doctor does not Listen to the Patient. By Design. It is the Achilles Heel of Psychiatry. The Good News: it could be turned around to become the Savior. The Skeleton of all Great Stories.

February 18, 2015 Reviewed a Blog about me by the Producers of an Inspiring film called Crazywise. My Interview, filmed in Brazil October 2014, Awakened my inspiration to voice my deep belief that the Psychiatric System can Upgrade its Understanding. Optimal Patient Care will result.

I was/am clear that my two Manic Episodes were not fully and optimally interpreted.

Interest in Spiritual Matters was a box to be checked on the checklist taking away my Sovereignty. Rather than a common pathway leading to an increased or changed Energy flow through the Body.

Important Concept.

I Object: to a System that Fails to take into consideration the Energetic Component to our Physical Body.

Eastern Philosophy has harmonized knowledge available for thousands of years. It is the basis of many of the Healing Arts. Acupuncture, being one example, is the most accepted by the Medical Establishment within the Energetic Modalities. I have long admired Dr. Steven Aung, a local well-respected & recognized World-Class Practitioner. Many Medical Doctors hone their Intuition under his Guidance. He has Certified Many Acupuncture Practitioners within the Medical Ranks over many years. His DocumentIntegrative, Compassionate Medicine: The Most Powerful Healing Art for the 21st Century and Beyond echoes some of my ideas.

Tangent Alert:

Thank you Dr. Aung. His article brought back a memory from my time in active Practice. Huge chink in the Armor of Medical Science. Medical Science counts on high quality Research to validate Therapeutic Decisions. Specific Drugs, for example. Gold Standard. The RCT, Randomized Controlled Trials. Rare for results to stand up to the Gold Standard. System Makes do as Best it Can.

Some Practical and Relevant questions go unanswered by the Science Research Machine. Machine is fueled with Money to generate Profits. Not always, but almost. Questions motivated by the Highest need and good depend on a limited pool of Public Funds. I challenge the relevance of a System with this significant Profit-driven bias.

“It is simply no longer possible to believe much of the clinical research that is published, or to rely on the judgment of trusted physicians or authoritative medical guidelines. I take no pleasure in this conclusion, which I reached slowly and reluctantly over my two decades as an editor of The New England Journal of Medicine.” Dr. Marcia Angell. I inject this quote & link after the fact, January 2016. NEJM Editor: “No longer possible to believe much of clinical research published”

Second Key Point:

The Biology of Belief. Nocebo/Placebo. Medical Science is challenged to Believe that Belief holds Therapeutic Power. Despite the fact that RCT’s do exist to support the concept.

Belief holds Therapeutic Power.

Let us just Pretend that this is accepted Fact. If it is, then every participant (Researchers and Research Subjects) inject some of their Power into each and every Research Trial. It is no wonder the results are difficult to interpret and duplicate. Asking the Optimal Questions is required for the most Relevant Results. Believing in the Power of Belief, in a sense, negates the classic Medical Research Machine. The results of the RCT are irrelevant. You believe (over time, you just know) that by taking care of your own health and listening to your intuitive nudges; you will Achieve Optimal Health, overcome Health Obstacles.

As I often say: Not right and wrong but two versions of right. Your Belief is Right. … But so is Mine.

Clearly, these two Mindsets do not marry well. Agree to disagree with each other would be an Upgrade.

Live and Let Live is the Bridge to Health.

Drugs like Lithium, the only Drug I take, sidestepped the Machine. Lithium has been used for over 40 years. Another Era. It is one of the cheaper Medications out there. Its lack of profitability has left it in the War Chest with minimal understanding of how and why it works in comparison to the Drugs released today. Not a bad thing. It holds better Evidence-based backing for effective treatment of Mania in Bipolar Disorder than any other drug. But given its lack of profitability, it would never be developed in the Medical Science climate of Today.

My greatest concern is not proving Right or Wrong. Do not want to debate it too much.

MyHighest Concern is being Free to Choose. Time for the Legally-Empowered System to accept that other Mindsets are also Valid.

************** Tangent Ends

Studying Ancient Wisdom, Energetic and Psychic Healing are longtime Passions of mine. A Friend and Intuitive Healer was by my side in Emergency October 2012 which bolstered me to stand firmly in my Belief in Myself. My views did not match Medical Science. It is not a Crime, is it? My Psychiatrist friends were too busy being Overwhelmed in the System they stepped into with Full Trust. I encourage us all to ask, “Has the System earned my Trust?”

Historically, someone decided that Bipolar Patients lack insight into their own condition: creating a story that will be difficult to shake for this subgroup of Human Beings. Whose numbers are growing, I understand. I translate lacking insight to patient’s insight does not match doctor’s insight. My Experience: Mania was simply a large shift in the way energy moved through my body. Specific actions released some blocks to energy flow. Led to large effects. Another might have the same but more gradual and never enter the World of Psychiatry. My first Out of the Ordinary Experience, 2012, I felt a surge of energy flowing throughout my body: an Upgrade in my level of Energetic Vibration. It felt like blowing a fuse with all the filters/Belief Systems I maintained. Seeing myself through the Belief Systems, it was like an energetic auto-immune disease. Those Beliefs and filters melted away. No longer able to exist with this higher vibration. No longer overwhelmed by my experiences after I had integrated the change. My sense is that this was a positive personal transformation. Something to celebrate, not mourn. Not for the fainthearted. It was physically overwhelming but did not last long. I will always wonder how long would it have lasted without medications? What would the Natural History of my Condition have been?

Personal Transformation – In a Nutshell

My perception: entering the Involuntary Mental Health System impacted my Recovery. Not completely negatively, but not completely positively either. I was in crisis and required help. After the first few days, it resembled captivity more than healthcare delivery. Just sayin’. Care lacked warmth. Every action I made was fit into the Diagnosis, even when comparing polar opposite responses. I did not feel like caretakers were trying to understand me but only to judge each and every action and label it as pathology. Check & Chart, as I have come to call it. Stifling. Easily saw that I would not win that Game. Keep in mind, no attempt to Understand or Hear me has occurred. Admittedly, I was pretty shy about sharing my information at the onset and years following. I clearly had insight as to how it would be received. Once it is determined that you have experienced an unshared Reality. Boom – enter the System. You are now sentenced to Life as a Mentally Ill Patient. Anything you say, has been and will be held against you. More like the Legal System than the Health System. No cure. New information: Will not hear. My Doctor rewrote my past and my future and proceeded to sell it to me. It was no soft sell either. Consistently, I agreed to disagree. This vein of communication was the mainstay throughout my care. Firm grasp to the assumption that anything not yet known by the Psychiatric System is not worth knowing. They believe themselves wholeheartedly. I suspect many are unaware there are viable, superior options.

The Psychotic drowns in the same waters that the Mystic swims with delight. Joseph Campbell

I am so very Grateful to the Adventurous Travelers in our world. I see Phil Borges, one of the Producers of Crazywise, as one of them. He was able to see the similarity between the supported transformation towards becoming a Shaman and Mentally Ill Patients.

The world of Psychiatry: where Experience does not make you an Expert.

I have Expertise that most Psychiatrists lack. Tricky here: Doctors call it a Symptom. Patients call it an Experience. Monumental Difference. Both groups hold steadfast to their Belief. This conundrum is unique to Psychiatry. You use the mind/thoughts to assess the symptoms displayed by the mind/thoughts. Crisis, like with Mania, is an extremely vulnerable time. What I highlight is that there are factors not being considered in this Serious State of Affairs. First, Do No Harm. I would honor a chance to work towards Optimal Understanding. History taught a strong-armed approach. We are Free to change our approach. Now.

Mental Illness is simply when a Person’s Expressed (Repressed) version of themselves gets too far away from their True Nature.

In a Nutshell.

The Solutions lie more with Awareness than the Biomedical Model. The Physics of Consciousness. By insisting that these conditions are simply caused by a Diseased Brain and altered Brain Chemistry, we choose to look away from the more effective, simpler, Holistic approaches to a Healthy Human Being. Consider more broadly than Disease and Cure. Reframe Healthcare with any/all of the following words:

If we continue to invest our Human Energy and Resources towards Foundationally Flawed Assumptions, we steer further away from the Solutions. It is Time to ask Ourselves, Are We Spending Healthcare Dollars Wisely?

It is Challenging to See the Solution, when You Are Part of the Problem. Explains why Optimal Care has been so Evasive. We have been Stuck In A Loop for a very long time. Scientific Understanding passed down Generation to Generation.

It is time to Step Back and Ask the Optimal Questions.

Notable First Step in the Dream: Exonerate the Field of Psychiatry.

Next Step: Upgrade the Field of Psychiatry.

Upgraded Perspectives:

The Body is a Conduit of Energy. Belief Systems can act like Resistance. When an increased flow of Energy is experienced and blocks/beliefs counter to the Natural Human state are present, it is like a Fuse is blown. More in Mania and Schizophrenia. Exploring Spiritual Wisdom, not the only way, leads to an increased flow of Energy through the Body System. When blocks to Energy Flow are first removed/fall away, the initial surge in Energy can create a Crisis and appear very chaotic in the Individual. Adaptation over time, this increased Energy results in a more Joyful, exuberant existence. Youthfulness is maintained longer. Improved Health Outcomes including Miracle Cures is experienced.

Depression is when the Beliefs/Blocks are in place preventing an Optimal flow of Energy through the Body’s Energy System. Lack of vitality is the result. No amount of medications will enable the energy to flow smoothly through the body. That is why Cognitive Therapy has fared so well against Medications in the Medical Literature. It has the capability to shift perceptions and beliefs, leading to a more Harmonious Flow of Energy. Medications can provide symptomatic benefit. Most effective when the Patient believes they will benefit from taking Meds. Medications cannot trump a Patient’s Belief that they will not work. Hence: that good old fashioned Trust and Understanding is Essential to a Functional Doctor:Patient Relationship. It is the Foundation upon which good Health Outcomes are generated. In all areas of Medicine. Bar None.

Always my very Favorite part of being a Family Doctor. My repeated exclamation that my Medical work was like Spitting Into The Wind was due to the Patient not coming on-board to the goal of Wellness. Being that fantastical Doctor that I was, I knew that I would not achieve much without their buy-in. The same is True for Psychiatric Patients. Somehow, in my experiences with the Medical System, I found myself partnered with people not aligned to the same Health Outcomes as I. I found it extremely unsatisfactory as the Family Doctor. I will Reject it as the Patient. Unacceptable by any terms. Kind of like my Experience with Politics. I have never in my history seen my vote align with the winning candidate.

Democracy is two wolves and a Lamb deciding what to have for Lunch. Liberty is a well-armed Lamb contesting the Vote. Benjamin Franklin

Understanding the Scale of Consciousness is Essential to Good Psychiatric Care. Clinically relevant to know where on the Scale a Psychiatric Patient exists. Only the Patients at the lower end of the Scale pose real risks to Health Care Staff. The Wards were filled with Loving, Peaceful people. Spirituality was outwardly Embraced by the Majority of Patients. Huge issue that confounds the clarity is the Activist Energy that gets stimulated in the Patients. Patient’s Beliefs do not match those of the Captors: the Health Care Professionals with Legally-backed Powers that sidestep Personal Rights and Freedoms normally belonging to the Individuals prior to Mental Illness Declaration. It is a rare individual who can maintain their Peaceful existence in the face of strong-armed tactics to deliver care that opposes their Belief System. Particularly challenging to Trust Caregivers who do not actually want to Hear about Experiences. Discount Experiences. Do not share the same Mindset. Act as the Judge, the Jury … and the Caregiver? One is held Captive to Another’s Mindset. Pure and Simple.

As Well-Intentioned as the System is, Authoritarian Captivity & Treatment of an Alternative (Viable) Mindset is NOT Science. Not Cool.

When One applies their Uninformed Mindset onto Another without Informed Consent: I Call That Bullying.

Switch Psychiatrist for Parent, Fear for Love in Quote

My Proclamation: It is not about Right and Wrong (Mindsets) but two versions of Right.

The two Mindsets look at the same thing and interpret it differently. Very expansive to think in this way. The Fear-Based Mindset is hard-pressed to be capable of doing this. The Alternative Mindset, not based in Fear, can do it with Ease. Yet they are held Captive in not sharing the Mindset with the Historical & Present Majority.

Big Dream: This Concept will be Understood. Very. Soon. Like Now.

I know that I am not Wrong. Why did it bother the Medical Establishment Mindset so much? Worth noting that the majority of questions to me from my Psychiatrist, while I was an Inpatient, revolved around (a) Medication Side Effects and (b) Did I believe in the Doctor’s Mindset. Debates grew tiresome. It is impossible for me to speak untruth. What I used to think was a curse, I now call my Superpower. I came up with a handy retort, Let us Agree to Disagree. The debates were not good for my Mental Health. Insane to my Perception.

Live and Let Live. The Bridge to Health. The Bridge to Peace.

The Caregivers refuse to Listen to Patients. They are quick to pigeon-hole Out of the Ordinary Experiences as a pre-ordained Psychiatric Symptom. Lack of Trust runs both ways and undermines Health Outcomes in Epic proportions. Do not underestimate the Level of Suffering that originates simply from a Patient not feeling Heard.

Hypothesis: Discerning Experts in Mental Health & Energetics (I would volunteer!) work alongside Traditional Medical Practitioners and aid them in how to tweak their approach. Results will be Improved. I Guarantee it. There is a risk for completely overturning the way we look at Psychiatric Care. Patients will turn into People in Crisis. Through better Understanding, they will be better supported through a Personal Transformation. They will be highly motivated to give back to the system. The System will be easily serviced with a Smile as more people Transform.

There will still be a place for Care as we know it. Especially for those patients who present from a lower Energetic starting point. Their lives would be following different themes to the Higher Energy Patients. Anger, Guilt and Shame are Emotions that closely describe the Patient’s mindset. Traditional Methods may be required. When supported in the right framework, I hypothesize that they would rise in their Energetic Vibration over time. I do not know. I wonder about less medication than Traditional but more than what the Higher Vibe Patient would benefit best from. The Emotions dictating the lives of those resonating at a Higher Vibration would be Peace, Love, Harmony. Hippie qualities from the 1960’s.

Key concepts I encourage the Profession to address:

1. Could our dosages be too high for the majority of Patients? Again, addressing the Level of Energetic Vibration will aid in determining who needs the more Traditional higher dose approach and who will be likely to receive symptomatic relief with significantly lower dosages.

2. What is the Natural History of the conditions considered as Mental Illness? I hypothesize that with this new Understanding it will Revolutionize what we consider the Natural History. Better outcomes for a higher percentage of people.

3. Are we meeting the Basic Human Needs for Human Beings in the setting of Psychiatric Care?

Helpful to know simple Holistic Effective Therapeutics.

For Example:

1. Hugs are an extremely effective treatment modality for the High Vibration Patient. Risk to Health Care Worker of receiving healing energy themselves. Note my cheeky tone. The Risk is better described as a Benefit but I know how these Medical Types think. I tease. The High Vibe Psychiatric Patient is well known for extremely effective Hugs. Many areas to address that currently undermine the access to this simple, low cost, effective therapy. Human Nature serves a Bountiful Supper. When you take Humanity out of Health Care, Positive Health Outcomes become more elusive.

2. Listen to the Patients to develop a Trusting Relationship that can Support Healing. The Staff are likely to Learn a Lot. Keeping an Open Mind: Essential. You don’t know what you don’t know.

3. Allow Patients to take Responsibility for their own Care and Healing. With the best intentions, the System can be quite determined to have the Patient Accept all aspects of Medically Established Diagnosis and Therapy. When the Legal System is required to give escalating Power to the Caregivers in the Patient’s best interest: Red Flag. Beware! Have our results been improved by this approach? By whose Assessment? It is not a lack of Power & Authority that undermines Psychiatric Care but a lack of Trust & Understanding. Perhaps, even a lack of Humanity. (Gasp!!) Compassion comes in handy.

It is Time … to take a Step Back … and Start Again.

If a System of Care is established with a Questionable Foundation, the Care delivered will, at best, be Sub-Optimal. If we take our Hippocratic Oath to Heart, I do not believe we can continue on as we are knowing as little as we do.

Listen to me Now. Believe me Later.

As I left Inpatient care the first time, I had strong intuition that the Traditional Medical view of Bipolar Disorder and Mania did not hold up in My Case. My views were supported by my Experience over time.

Experience is the Best Teacher.

I boldly (my tongue is firmly in my cheek) titrated my medications down aggressively. Within weeks of discharge. Second time admitted could have been completely avoided. A trial of discontinuing Lithium proved Premature. Within two days of restarting the med, all well again. Despite this, thirteen days in hospital. Discharge coincided with the date of my Hearing Dispute. Thirteen days was the earliest my case could be heard. Not the most Democratic of Systems to my Eye. Why spend less, when you can spend more? Referring to Healthcare Dollars here. We can deliver care much more cost effectively. Where there is a will, there is a way.

Time has passed. Two years, four months since my Ordination as a Psychiatric Patient. I now take a sub-therapeutic dose of Lithium, 300mg. One Medication. I am a little reluctant to stop completely but will try when and if it feels appropriate.

My Hypothesis: the day will come. I will Recognize it when it does.

My Existence, My Story serves as a nudge to:

Unlearn all we have Learned. Question what we think we Know.

… Please.

It is All Relative … Not Absolute.

Freedom … is Priceless.

As a Society, can we ever achieve Freedom so long as some choose to use their Freedom to limit the Freedom of Others?

Quote was the result of a Beautiful Tête-a- Tête with my 17 Year Old Daughter. The Wisdom of Youth. It all started when she questioned,

Wouldn’t it be more accurate to say Opinion when currently we use the word Truth?

To Clarify the Dream: To Enable the most Effective, Healing System for both the Caregivers and those Cared For.

When the Healers Are Wounded, It is Every Man For Himself.

Let There Be Hope …

Peace Out.

Addendum: If you are a Healthcare Provider within the Psychiatric System and noticed yourself become angry, defiant or any other untoward emotional state, I ask you to use this experience to aid in augmenting Compassion for your Patients. Many patients feel the very same way about your Care. Reading this Article could be called Experiential Learning – the very best kind. Just by reading this, you cannot help but Understand Your Patients more than you did prior. No Matter which way you choose to Perceive this: You Can’t Lose.

Gregg Braden, author of The Spontaneous Healing of Belief, says in the short linked video:

In the old way of thinking, we would ask ourselves …”what can I get from the world that exists?”. Subconsciously or Consciously. … The new discoveries of Science give us a reason to change that question. … What can I give? What can I share? What can I contribute? What can I offer to the World that is Emerging? The way we answer that question changes everything. …Opens the door to New Possibilities… By virtue of a contribution aligned with one’s passion, we are rewarded. Time and time again.

February 27, 2015
Hot off the Press!
Perception … is Everything.
Is the Dress White & Gold Or Blue & Black? A Little Experiential Teaching reminding us how the Mind and Science come together. Perception varies. Completely OK. Amazing how differently the same dress can appear to two different people. Another example of Things are Not Always what They Seem.Don’t Believe Everything You Think. The Nature of Perception. All the more reason to Live and Let Live.

April 26, 2015 Quantum Physics: Relevant to the Field of Psychiatry.
Reality is … not what it seems.

October 17, 2015 Peer-Assisted Open Dialogue is a compassionate model of care being used for a decade in Finland and has spread in Europe. Clinical results have shown ten times higher rates of educating/employed among first time Psychotic Episode patients. My report linked.

Why Your Doctor Is Always Lateby Sanaz Majd. A Primary Care Physician gave a detailed explanation of why she runs late on a daily basis despite her abhorrence of being late or kept waiting. It’s a hard pill to swallow. Solutions to this age-old problem are elusive. Trip down memory lane for me. Accurate … lame none-the-less. I have compassion for all involved. What an interesting web we have all spun. Doctors are so busy with their systems, they are overwhelmed themselves. I noted that the way we (I was one of them then) do things, we hardly had time for actual sick people. They really screw up your schedule, you know? My most dramatic incident was when I arrived early to the office to find a middle aged woman sitting in the hallway outside my office on the floor, leaning her back on the entry door. Clearly, she was unwell. Could not even stand up. Yet by some Miracle drove herself to my Office which was across the street from the Hospital. Instead of turning left, she turned right. Denial. By going to the Doctor’s office, the heart racing at 220 beats per minute was less serious somehow.

Release your inner Elastigirl (Self-Healer)

At the time, I lacked experience. Odds were in her favor. I was unsure of that at the time. I stood back incredulously while I reviewed my options of transporting her to the hospital. Send her walking across the street? She was alone. Send her driving across the street? Drive her myself? I ended on, call an Ambulance. I will always laugh at that one. Not feeling so McGyver’ish that day. My fear-based mentality could see her dropping dead (a) in the middle of street, (b) in her vehicle and getting into a collision, (c) in my passenger seat. So instead we waited over 15 minutes in my office and the Emergency Medical Technicians drove her across the street in an Ambulance. All I could see was a lawsuit waiting to happen. I played it safe. Why pay less when you can pay more? Was unsure if the patient would receive a bill for that or not. Yes, she did. My history.

I allude to some solutions to the overwhelmed caregiver in my story Wrap It Up. Empower people to activate their own self-healing mechanisms. Then the caregivers won’t be so overwhelmed. Many hands make light work, so to speak. It was more close to home in that story but applies to the larger world also. I feel like I have ruined the movie now, telling you the ending. I chuckle. You might think I am joking. I am not.

The former article includes the issue of Patient’s financial situation influencing the Medical Visit as I had written about in the story Never Say Never where healthcare went sideways when my patient, being prudent and hardworking, wanted each and every health concern her imagination could dream up to be handled all at once at the SacredDoctor’s Appointment. Joking BTW. In that case, the Doctor was me. All the concerns addressed? Not a one. Arguing over how her Health Insurance worked took up all of the time for the appointment … which I did not bill for as it did not seem ethical. I am nothing if not overflowing with integrity … at my own peril sometimes. The complaint to the College of Physicians and Surgeons still came as a slight surprise. Basically, her complaint acted as a venting mechanism for her. It was noted on my record. Lovely. That is how the world works, people. Are we having fun yet? My Dad, being the wise guy that he is, always used to say that. Still does. Awesome question to ask ourselves. It is very catchy…

Belly Button Song by Boys in the Sink (Veggie Tales Children’s show) is a lot of fun. Depicts a Doctor/Patient visit where the payment method comes into the treatment … Ha ha. Love the initial banter as it echoes my own views. Food for thought for us all.

Mr. Lunt: …It’s time to broaden our scope: artistically.

Jimmy Gourd: Yeah! We’re artists!

Junior Asparagus: Word up!

(Pause for Photo Op.)

Larry the Cucumber: There’s a time to be silly(!) … and there’s a time to be serious.

Mr. Lunt: A time to open up your heart …

Jimmy Gourd: … and show how you feel. (Another Photo Op.) Artistically!!

Mr. Lunt: ‘Cuz we all have something to share.

So much respect to the creative team of the Veggie Tales show … especially the Silly Songs. More to come in this story.

I have heard myself say that my Medical Degree was like a Monkey on My Back. I had no idea how right I was about that. Guessing at when I said it first. Prior to 1997, the year my first child was born. It started in the context that because I was a Doctor, I received no support for choosing to stay home with my kids. One kid, at first. Do the children of Doctors need their parents any less, I asked? By then, I was pretty disillusioned about Medicine. I was not helping in the way my child-like dreams might have imagined. I was aware of so many systemic faults, it was daunting to continue in the field with or without children. Sharing with others, I could sense that I was more sensitive to these idiosyncrasies than most of my colleagues. Mortgages and lifestyle enslaved them into the system. The difference between myself and them: I took on a wee tiny mortgage for a short while and I married an Ophthalmologist whose income made my own feel like an insult. For the amount of stress I would take on, it was definitely not worth it. I could live on minimal money. I was wealthy … by design. Never got into the keep up with the Jones’ stuff. Ironically, the Jones’ would have been challenged to keep up with me, the way things turned out. Material wealth was not my forefront or my inspiration in making decisions. It came my way anyway. Just took one tiny step in front of one tiny step. Financial freedom … perhaps at the hands of my enslaved husband. Truth to that statement. He seemed to like it in the cage. I would fight for his freedom harder than he would. His choices are his own to make. Big lesson for me was to stop interfering with his choices. And expect the same from him towards me. That was where conscious uncoupling came in. Divorce in the old school terminology.

So many of my repeated sayings take on deeper meaning with time. When I finally retired from Medicine completely in 2003 (minimal work after 1997 – believe me), that Monkey felt like an Orangutan. Enough already. Would I have been better off never going to Medical School? I have always felt No to this question. Medical School itself was a multidimensional education for me. I picked up a lot intuitively from my interactions with patients. I could not be who I am without all of those experiences.

Dehumanizing experiences help us to understand what it is to be human.

Not that we go out consciously to have dehumanizing experiences. They can be very vitalizing as we mature through them. Strengthened by them, we are.

When we feel ourselves veered off the track, we learn to navigate back onto the true path. To live authentically as we are inspired to. Let us trust every last inspiration, no matter what challenges they may bring. Rainbows and unicorns would not make a very interesting life. Been there. Tried it on. Locked up in a Mental Institution with that mindset. Here I am. A more grounded, sovereign version of myself. The story I am sticking with.

I Love My Lips Silly Song with Larry from Veggie Tales. A comical look at a Psychiatrist/Patient encounter. I see myself in both the Doctor and the Patient.

Such blind method, applied blindly to us, is liable to destroy us in practice, as it has done already in theory. From an article Mal-Practice of Psychiatry byPaul Levy. Many excerpts italicized and sprinkled amongst my own words below:

…my perceptions about the nature of my own experience were deleted from having any validity, as if I was being treated as a mental “in-valid” (which was truly “crazy-making”). I felt both objectified and marginalized in my own treatment.

In consulting their hallowed diagnostic manual, the DSM, it was as if the psychiatrist’s were reading from a grimoire, trying to match what little they understood of my experience to something somebody else wrote in a book; it was truly insane.

When I was diagnosed, I was downgraded from having full existential status as a sovereign human being, as I was no longer considered to be the arbiter of my own experience or rightful possessor of my own image or definition of myself. Once I received my diagnosis, as if my condition was being etched in stone, everything I said or did from that moment on was seen through the stultifying lens of my diagnosis.

When I was given a written-in-stone diagnosis by psychiatrists who had a complete certainty in what they thought was happening within me but actually had less than no idea, it did feel like “a veritable murder of the soul.” The shadow side of diagnosis is that it is the outcome of staring at phenomena with the “objective look,” that “ethically blank, heartless scientific gaze,” as late psychiatrist R. D. Laing calls it; a gaze which “does not see or hear us.”

…Dr. Allen Frances, who has been called “perhaps the most powerful psychiatrist in America” and who in 1994 headed the project to write the latest edition of the psychiatric bible, the DSM-IV, recently blew the whistle on his own profession. In an interview with Gary Greenberg from Wired Magazine, Frances says “There is no definition of a mental disorder. It’s bullshit, I mean you just can’t define it.” Modern day diagnosis of psychiatric disorders is like those medieval maps that dealt with places in which they didn’t know what was going on by writing “Dragons Live Here.” The modern-day “dragons” are all of the various psychiatric diagnoses concocted so as to fill in the blanks for what we don’t know.

As a Medical Student, I kinda noticed … Imagine that! People, can we screw our brains back in please? Don’t forget the connection to the heart though. One does not know what one does not know. Do you believe in Dragons? If you have never seen one, I would not expect you to. If someone else claims to have seen one, what is it to you?? Experience is the very, very best teacher.

Listen to me now. Believe me later.

I was being given a life sentence with no possibility for parole, with no time off for good behavior (It should be noted that I haven’t taken any psychiatric medication for over thirty years, with no “episodes,” which, from the psychiatric point of view, is impossible if I truly had what is now called bi-polar illness).

Well will you look at that. Imagine my surprise (tongue in cheek) to find another Bipolar Disorder labeled Human Soul who figured out the ruse, stopped the meds and lived happily ever after for 30 years!! Why did I not learn that in Medical School?? An exception to every rule? Who knows. Curriculum, in all forms of education, is selected not at random, by somebody. Those particular somebody’s hold a lot more power than the rest of us poor sots. Bottom line is we need to be very careful about what we know and don’t know. Bias is hard to avoid, no matter what the intention. It is far more empowering and ethical to say I don’t know. We might have been better served to err on the side of caution in this case (Psychiatry as a whole). My experience knows this. Not to say it is true for everyone with the same label … but. Do you really know?

When we ask the optimal questions, we get the optimal answers. How do we know if we are asking the right questions? I have developed an hypothesis, a method, for this. Would love to try it out in the field. The method is adapted from the method described in the Power Versus Force book by David Hawkins. They used muscle testing to determine the vibrational level that a question resonated with. I use the pendulum and my connection to my muse or higher self. Truly it does not matter which words I choose to describe it. I am the instrument. It has taken me a while to figure out all I can do. My guess is many others could also do it. As long as they believe they could and have the intention of developing the skill. Then you push the easy button. I have heard it called living in the 5th Dimension. The same world as the 3rd Dimension, just everything flows with ease and grace. You experience more joy and appreciation. Love is a given. You are vibrating at a different level of vibration: An approachable way to describe it. More accurately, you are emitting a different energetic vibration. Your experience, your reality will be different as a result.

The fact that I wanted to dialogue about this and question their diagnosis not only made them angry, but was proof, to the psychiatrists in charge of me, of my alleged illness. The psychiatrists hoped to one day make me “a functioning member of society;” I, on the other hand, was hoping to make psychiatry a functioning member of society, not one day in the future, but right now. Psychiatry didn’t just want to give me a diagnosis, it wanted to inaugurate me into a whole new “career” as mental patient.

Cannot leave the article alone. My excitement at finding someone saying the same as I said after my Diagnosis is beyond words. Even my Medical Degree was null and void. The Sacred Medical Degree, the Monkey On My Back, gave me confidence in my own experience. I knew from the inside what a Medical Education looks like. It ain’t pretty, sad to report. Dehumanizing is a word that comes to mind. Many people think of Doctors like all knowing Gods. I, on the other hand, had a different perspective. Quite reassuring when I found myself locked up in a Psychiatric Hospital against my will. Anything I said was surely used against me. With less rights than a prisoner, there was no phone call that had any hope of delivering me to Freedom. Until they (the Psychiatrists) said so. I was learning that I had all the time in the world. Mindfulness came in handy. Suffering … in this case, optional. My captors were benevolent. Grateful for that.

Think about the fact that any questioning of the diagnosis is part and parcel proof of the diagnosis. Patients lack insight into their own condition. Seems only a God could make such a bold declaration. The dog will chase his tail forever. It is a loop that one can never get out ofwith that so-called fact cemented into place. One man’s fact is another man’s fiction. Are we having fun yet?

As I enjoyed my 30 day stay at the Relaxation Spa (also known as the Psychiatric Hospital), I marveled at the perfection in this steadfast belief. Smart little Angèle as a Medical Student noticed this instantly way back when … in the olden days. I am/was so clever. Pat, pat … I was patting myself on the back. While I made the best of it at the Spa/Prison. One woman’s Spa is another woman’s Prison. Ha ha. Enjoyed having all my meals prepared for me. Took a daily bath. Loved myself. Enjoyed the Art class on Wednesdays. Yoga on Thursdays. You get the point.

Psychiatrists are trained to pathologize. OK, now you see I am writing this story as I am reading the article. This is Reel Life people.

Psychiatrists are trained to pathologize; once I was diagnosed and labeled with a mental illness, my behavior was myopically viewed through the lens of pathology, which only served to draw out the pathological aspect of my process, further confirming to the psychiatrists the correctness of their diagnosis in a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Whoops! Did I repeat myself there? Do not get me wrong. I solemnly believe that Psychiatrists’ intentions are good. Good looks different from different perspectives. They believe themselves wholeheartedly. It does not mean that I have to.

The Yodeling Veterinarian Of the Alps Yet another Silly Song from Veggie Tales. Mandatory to watch all these as part of the story. I firmly believe that often things work for reasons we do not fully understand. Be careful not to congratulate yourself too much when things go well … or punish too much when things go sideways. Hint: Trade that nurse character in for yourself and see how your own Health Care looks in your eyes now. It is what most people are doing these days anyway with their Doctors. I remember how shocked I was when I first noticed shortly after beginning my practice. Hence: the oft repeated spitting into the wind phrase to describe my Medical Work. In Psychiatry it is ten times more so. Yet another example of how Comedians have a special gift of reflecting us back to ourselves … and remaining alive in the process. A finely tuned practice.

Live and Let Live is the bridge to World Peace… and Optimal Health.

The psychiatrists were like the high priests of a modern, scientific religion who had invested in them by the power of the state the ability to deem who was sane and to “doom” who was insane. By unconsciously identifying with their positions of power, rank and privilege, they were monopolizing the role of the healthy one, unwittingly “casting” the patient—in this case me—into the solidified role of the one who is sick. The psychiatric system was under a self-created and self-reinforcing delusion (is there a pharmaceutical for this?), as it was simultaneously casting a spell both on itself as well as its patients. The psychiatric system’s mal-practice is harder to see than in other, more concrete fields, and hence the incompetence and harm often go unrecognized, as they are operating in the province of the psyche, where much is hidden, shrouded in both mystery and misunderstanding to begin with.

I have a fondness for the Scooby Doo ending. Take mask off Psychiatrist … HERE. I have great compassion for the Psychiatrists. Have no fear. When you know better, you do better. Bright beautiful future awaits us all!

Remove mask off of Pharmaceutical Companies immediately following the Psychiatrists. Yet another Scooby Doo ending – not nearly as surprising or satisfying but let us remove the mask at least.

I had no legitimacy in their eyes regarding my own experience, as if I had no psychological title to my own experience, which was truly “crazy-making” beyond anything I had ever imagined, even in my wildest dreams. The whole thing was so sci-fi—like a bad horror movie—it was beyond belief, and yet it was actually happening.

Crazy-making indeed. My words.

…I was being “certified” in a different way. Little did I realize at the time that my forays into psychiatry were “field work” in which I was gathering data so as to prepare me for my future life’s work.

Echo those sentiments.

…As is typical when something is long-held down and suppressed, there can be an over-compensation in one direction until “the shoot” sprouting out of the germinating seed of the personality naturally gets in balance over time. Typically, the person who is waking up can become quite “enthusiastic” (“en-theos” means to be filled with spirit) about the “good news” they are realizing … , which can easily be interpreted as being a form of “mania.”

Been there. Done that. I call it the Beautiful Truth. It is good news, indeed.

Do I feel bad that this story has so many of another writer’s words in it? Not really. Displaying how really glad I am to see these words written by another. See! I am not the only one. You know how validating that can feel, right? Not that I truly need it. My own experience is the best teacher. Others without the experience might be more inclined to open up to the alternate perspective when it has independently come from two separate sources, No?? Science loves to see its findings duplicated. If it cannot be duplicated, it is considered weak Science. Many scientists may choose to not even share their findings in the disappointment of not finding the results they were hoping for. I take great comfort in hearing a similar perspective to my own with similar experience. He has found some analogies that I have not. He has echoed some of my own thoughts. His take was a little different but not far off from mine. I honor it. I know how hard it is to tell a story like this. I chose to pick out the parts that most resonated with me.

His article is long. I am ready to post it to my Manic Ministrations Facebook Page. Seems prudent for me to finish reading it. Would not be the first time to post before even reading a word. That is how much I have come to trust my inner knowing. Will post the article now. Then finish reading it.

As I scrolled down, I noted Paul Levy’s self description as a Wounded Healer. I have heard the term many times before. While being interviewed for the film Crazywise, I was asked if I was a Wounded Healer. Yes, by definition, I guess I am. I took a moment to review this term. It felt uncomfortable to admit to that label. Is there an upgrade? Yes, I am told by my Muse. I call him Peter. Tell, tell. I often use this phrase as my next question in a case like this. Answer: Self-actualizing Human Being. Anyone is capable of this? My sense is yes. We all have an innate Self-Healing Mechanism. We just have to lift the rock off of the tiny, tender shoot – using the Beautiful Analogy from Paul Levy’s article. It will spring into action on your behalf. Next question: is there an even higher upgrade? Yes. I did not get the answer to that question. It will come when and if it serves my highest good. I sit pleasantly with the uncertainty. My understanding leaves me feeling fantastic. Taking in too much too soon can be detrimental to your well-being. I speak from experience.

It’s About Time.All the Time in the World.

No need at all to Rush. That is so Old School.

Back to Paul Levy’s words: Once my spiritual awakening became ignited, I have no doubt whatsoever that all I needed was a number of months, maybe even a year, to have a safe container, supported by friends, family and mentors to help me to integrate what was being revealed to me. Instead of being pathologized, medicated and all the rest, which simply aborted a deeper process that was emerging, all I needed was to have my process held in a certain way so that it could creatively unfold itself and be naturally metabolized and assimilated.

I recall so vividly feeling convinced the hospital did more harm than good. During both of my involuntary stays. I voiced my opinion that after my trial of discontinuing the Lithium, if I should display the manic behavior as before, that time I could lightly medicate and rest at home. History played out, I still needed the Lithium. Hello second stay. Who called the Doctor? (My former husband). Being that we share children, it was hard to hide when something was amiss. All part of the plan apparently. Method to the madness. Even my two closest spiritual friends were alarmed by my Mania. Truth came out much later that they sold me out … so to speak. Love to be dramatic. It’s All Fun And Games: the story inspired by second incarceration. A sad one for me, by chance. Perhaps always part of the plan. I always thought it was the Doctor alone who sold me out. Really does not matter. Just another Scooby Doo ending to this Movie that is my Life. Definitely no hard feelings. Just a reminder of what I was up against. Healing myself … and fast was the most efficacious (fancy Doctor word, ha ha) plan of attack. Just watch me!! I do not have to talk anyone into anything. The alternative is … shall we say inspiring me to succeed. Motivation comes in many forms. Sometimes the carrot, sometimes the stick. Hence, my even deeper love of the shortcut method. Just sayin’ …

When you ask the Optimal Questions, you get the Optimal Answers.

The Hairbrush Song by Larry The Cucumber. Another Veggie Tales classic. Genius how they capture the drama of looking for a hairbrush when Larry does not even have any hair. Where is my hairbrush? Perhaps he needs to change his question. A fun little example of how life can get off track when you are asking the sub-optimal question.

When I find something that resonates as healing, I will often ask. Is there a shortcut? I have always heard a yes so far. BUT if you don’t ask and want to carry the torch that believes anything good must be hard and take a long time, probably painful complete with suffering. The choice is always yours. It is my firm belief that this belief system template – that good things take a long time and a lot of effort etc. – limits our ability to thrive. Limits all of us to thrive. The other belief is that if I get a lot of good coming my way it will take away from others. Also untrue in my world. Just wanted to show you a couple of examples of how we, as a collective, commonly use our power. Our beliefs create our world. In every moment, we have the choice to make a new choice. Make a change. Drop a belief. Too good to be true? (So Old School).

In my world upgrades to: It is Good. And … It is True.

It takes an exceptional practitioner of the art of psychiatry, a true doctor of the soul, to see through the implicit materialist in-doctrine-ation they have received as part and parcel of their very conditioning and training.

I. Am. That. Doctor. You know how I love the theatrics. Reminds me of Larry Boy. He is a vegetable version of Batman known to say I. Am. That. Hero. Inspired my little proclamation.

Larry Boy Music Video performed by Shux. Yes, they are Korn! So clever. At least watch the last seconds where he says the line above. So you will have the context of the quote.

Larry Boy and The Fib From Outer Space. I own this one on VHS! Ha ha. I am a huge fan of Veggie Tales. Larry Boy is a spin off. The Fib gets more and more powerful as Junior Asparagus continues to tell an escalating story … a lie. When someone tells an untruth about you, one tends to get a bit passionate as Junior’s friends did.

My passion for Children’s Entertainment lives on.

While losing at Candyland, Larry Boy dramatically heralded, “I’ve got work to do.Consider our game … postponed!” He has to go and save Bumblyburg from the ginormous Fib – wreaked havoc by this time. A lot of guesswork. Nobody knows what they are doing. A total guess to hit the yellow button … happened to be the correct button to turn the wheeled vehicle into a rocket-like one. Alfred (the brilliant assistant to the hero) reassures Larry that we know what the monster is. It is “a Lie”. How do we stop it? Asks Larry. We do not know that yet. Answered Alfred. Much consultation with his computer brings the audience to the crunch moment when Larry is about to be eaten by the Fib … and in his excitement, Alfred accidentally unplugs the computer. The delay to the answer: Junior must tell the truth about the Lie, nearly costs our hero his life. Hilarious.

When we consider the Psychiatric System (not the well-intentioned people indoctrinated to keep it running), I fear many heros have already gone down. Eaten up by the lie described by my fellow Bipolar Disorder labeled colleague, Paul Levy.I understand how it was done. I trained shoulder to shoulder with Psychiatrists. I get it. I encourage us all to have great compassion. Forgive them, they know not what they do. Within psychiatry, there is a mélange of patients. Some are violent. Acting from their level of Consciousness – referring to the scale, see Table, taken from the Power Versus Force book by David Hawkins. To begin this process I found myself in, manic episode, from a lower vibrational starting point. Gets dangerous. Anger is played out in violence. I was resonating near Love and Joy. ‘Nuff said. To act overly rashly may not be in anyone’s best interests. I hypothesize that when we understand the process better, we will safely support both the person in crisis and those that care for them much better than we do at present. Both need it gravely. Pardon the pun. Note the date I write this: February 2, 2015. Likely this reality of a broken (my opinion) system will not remain true. How long? Anyone’s guess. The will of the Powers that Be appear to hold all the cards at the moment. If I could choose the impact of my stories it is at least this:

Let us be aware that we may not know what is going on. But …

We will Figure it Out. I Know that We Can. And it is Easy.

I have developed a lot of ideas. Willing to share. Releasing the tight grip of righteousness on the current common understanding within Psychiatric Care is the first step. Baby steps. Let’s Do This … in my 14 year old son’s words.

Wrote almost entirely on February 2, 2015, the day inspiration hit with the 2 articles coming to my attention on the same day. I originally put the second article under another title, Auto Pilot. Did not take long to recognize that it belonged here. My work is like a fancy spreadsheet. I just arrange things I find into rows and columns … so to speak. It is not often that I switch rows but this time I did. There was a good argument for the Auto Pilot. Who is driving this system anyway?

Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood by Sally Barker. It is a blind audition from The Voice UK 2014. The idea to end this story with a version of this song popped into my head when I felt it was complete. Despite the fact that I first found this You Tube link the week prior, I searched down a long list passing by several more famous performers. It was not until I heard it that I remembered hearing it before. But this time … I sobbed. Just over a minute. Pema Chodron’s rule proves true again (no emotion felt fully lasts longer than 90 seconds). The lyrics sung as soulfully as Sally sings them hit such a deep wound within me. Tears flowed and flowed. The Soulful Tears. The Healing Tears. The Beautiful Tears.

The Doctor cries. The Patient cries. The Lover Cries. The Mother Cries. The Daughter Cries. The Sister Cries. The Friend Cries. The Ex-Wife Cries. The Medical Student Cries. The Education Advocate Cries. The Political Activist Cries. The Spiritual Seeker Cries. My Little 5 year old Self Cries. The Writer Cries. The Artist Cries. The Comedian cries. The Scientist Cries. The Ex-Catholic cries. The Physics, of Consciousness, Professor Cries. Even the God cries. Especially the God. We Are All In This Together.

Lyrics that have moved mountains of emotions within me:

Maybe … You Understand Me Now.

Sometimes you see I’m mad.

No one alive can always be an Angel.

When things go wrong. You see me bad.

I’m just a Soul who’s intentions are good.

Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.

Sometimes, I’m so carefree with a joy that’s hard to hide.

Sometimes, all I have is worry.

And you’re bound to see my other side.

I’m just a Soul whose intentions are good.

Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.

Oh but I’m a Soul whose Intentions are Good.

Oh Lord, Please Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood.

Immediately after hearing the song this time round, and after the initial sob, came the words:

There has never been a more fervent Prayer ever to release from my lips than the final line of the lyrics. I pray with all of my Heart, Mind and Soul. The upgraded version:

Please … Let Me Be Understood.

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Get the Fucking. Monkey. Off. My. Back. She asked politely in no uncertain words…

Music … is the Doctor.

Capiche???? ……..Not

One thing you can be sure of, in Doctor style, I Believe Myself Wholeheartedly. The desire to help others, in my case including and especially myself, is truly at the Heart of every Doctor. I will always hold this true and dear to me as the best part of being in a Profession with the intent of Healing. My Upgrade that is underway is to look after myself so Heroically that I will be a more Potent Healer. It will be easy on me because it will be all about empowering the Patient to Heal themselves. Each reader will have their own choices to make. I offer you to open your mind to alternate possibilities. I implore you to look to your own experience over Historical Systems, Medical or otherwise. I encourage you to ask the Optimal Questions. A good start, Is this really true? often in your Life. Let’s Do This.

Oh … and for the record. I Love You. As in the three syllable word Agape. For me, this word does not need to link with Christianity but with Humanity. Strange that this word exists as a noun and not as a verb. Otherwise I would have said I Agape You. I hope that is not too much love for you. Last time that was Diagnosed in me (by me), I was escorted to one of the most locked up Psychiatric rooms in the City of Edmonton. Was challenged to keep my Love to myself. A time to be silly … and a time to be serious. Wise words. As I have often said, I am a more balanced, grounded, sovereign version of myself now.

P.S. – The featured Orangutan is Budi. “For the first year of his life, Budi the baby Orangutan was kept in a chicken cage and fed on nothing but condensed milk which was slowly killing him. When we rescued him he was lonely, sick and afraid.” The International Animal Rescue. Love the analogy of the Budi story. We are the system. The system is us. Cages abound. The sooner and more compassionately we all recognize this, the quicker and easier the remedy. Rescued Baby Orangutan Play Session. They are a little weak after rescue. Baby steps … Let’s Play!

Addendum:

A long time ago, history tells us that there was a widely practiced treatment used by Doctors for nearly 2000 years called Bloodletting. I own a coffee table book about Medical History. It reads like a horror movie. After writing this story, I noticed a very large pool of (symbolic) blood … and tears. Just sayin’… I feel a lot better. Writing for me is an energetic form of bloodletting: Intense while exhilarating. Painless. Not for the fainthearted.

The Image I See is one of me Cutting My Heart Out and Serving it Lovingly on a Silver Platter to You. I was careful to cut it into comfortable bite-sized pieces as I did not want anyone to choke. Because then I would have to do the Heimlich Manoeuvre. And I am lazy. Not to mention, Retired. I trust you to do your own damned Heimlich Manoeuvre. Hint: slam yourself into a chair chest first or something.

I would call this story a CLM – Career Limiting Move. Within Traditional Western Medicine. Good thing I am Retired!

Two Stories relating to more specifics of my Manic Experiences that led to involuntary hospitalizations. More remain yet unpublished. In the perfect time. There is a Method in my Madness…

Final morsel to consider as the quote matches my upgraded Belief I am installing/installed into my mindset. Foundation of the Physics of Consciousness:

The majority have been programmed from their past experience to expect physical decline. And while it is something they don’t want, they are programmed to expect it. And so, they’re going to get what they expect. It’s not that what they expect is the reality that everyone lives, but that everyone lives the reality of what they expect.

Spiritual Awakening is not a goal to reach in the future, for ‘future’ is only of mind. It is not a fixed and final destination, nor a special state reserved for Special People or Enlightened Gurus. It is not an out-of-body experience, but a constant invitation – to embrace yourself exactly as you are, today, in all your glorious imperfection. It is a deep and ancient calling, to radically open up, to embrace both the pain and the joy of life; to be vast, vast enough to hold both the bliss and the fear, the heartache and the overwhelm, the laughter and the deep longing to be free. To include whatever burns today in one big YES.

To be what you are. Life itself. Awake, alive.

This ‘deep acceptance’ as I call it is not passivity nor spiritual detachment, but a giant validation of the way life looks today. It does not mean giving up on the possibility of change, for all real change emanates from the YES to today. A relaxation into the way things are, a sinking into the scene of today, unlocks all your tomorrows and is the source of all creativity, and all genuine answers.

No matter how powerfully the storm of thought and emotion rages right now, no matter how unmanageable everything seems, I invite you to stop, to stop just for a moment, and to bring your attention back to the here-and-now, the living ground of your life, the One place where breathing is happening… where the heart is beating … where sensations dance in and as the body … where sounds appear, stay for a while, and dissolve into purest awareness… and where sunlight streams in through the open window… illuminating the room, the room which holds you as you are.

– Jeff Foster

As in Part 1 of You Are The Lover And The Loved, I open with some beautiful words from Jeff Foster. Recently, I tried to donate to him but his website lacked the familiar donate button that many Spiritual Teachers include. Will keep my eye on an opportunity to show my appreciation outside of sharing his work.

It inspired me to write this Part 2. It was with this concept in mind that I stuck around in my marriage as long as I did. I felt that when one is willing, one can love anyone. I was forgetting that I was only half of the equation. The same issue cropped up in my dating life. I am only half of the equation. To some this could feel like bad news. To me, it is fantastic news. I have long used the cute expression It takes two to tango but disconnected to the wisdom of that. Knowing that no one alone could maintain a marriage or start a relationship, why on earth would any of us continue to, first expression to come to mind, flog a dead horse. That is the million dollar question. My answer: because our intuition knows there is truth lurking beneath the mask. At least we believe this. As long as we believe this, we can justify illogical behavior. At this moment, I declare: This is the Art of Life. Choosing when you take things at face value or when you hang tight to see if the mask will come off. In the end, Everyone Has Choices. The more Aware we are of those Choices, the Less Suffering is Endured. The more Authentic we each Choose to be in Each Moment, the Easier it is to Choose the Most Resonant Masterpiece, Work of Art, to Stare at, to Share with … to Dream With.

Your Honesty is Paramount, because you Understand that only Through Your Honesty can others be Free to decide what they can (or cannot) do with their time regarding you. So it is that You are Brutally Honest with your Disposition toward the Human Condition. You are Clear with your Commitment to the Infinite Game, even at the Expense of all Finite Games. You Understand that Infinite Play Requires Complete Vulnerability. So you Initiate your own Actions in such a way that others Respond by Initiating their Own Action in kind. Where Finite Players are Waiting for their Turn to Speak, You have Learned How to Listen with Conscious Intent, which Generates Time as Space for the Dialogue to continue, and Healthy Dialogue is the Heart of Good Play. Gary Z. McGee

A finite Player Plays for Power, while an Infinite Player plays with Power.

You use Power as a Tool to Leverage Vision into Action, rather than as a Weapon to Force People into Action.

Being Concerned with Vision rather than Power leads to Courage, which Leads to Liberation, which leads to the Need to Empower and Liberate others, which Leads to other Visionary People, which Leads to Accountability, which Leads to Sustainability, which Leads to a Healthy Community for All, and therefore a Healthy Infinite Game for All.

The idea is that mutual vulnerability fosters closeness. To quote the study’s authors, “One key pattern associated with the development of a close relationship among peers is sustained, escalating, reciprocal, personal self-disclosure.” Allowing oneself to be vulnerable with another person can be exceedingly difficult, so this exercise forces the issue.

I want to try that! Rings true for me. The reason why the sexual fun relationship has its limitations. Intimacy is what I desire. Sex is the #1 intimacy enabler – my perspective. Sex is not in itself intimacy but is often associated with it. Big question for me: do men feel the same way about intimacy? My sense is that most women feel this way. I continue my field research. Nod. Nod. Wink. Wink.

After being injected with a serum that stimulates the part of the brain that processes fear mechanisms, the heroine hallucinates her deepest fears and the hero observer witnesses how she handles them. How this is done is not important. This is Science Fiction, people. Loved how she decides, after seeing her reflection, that this isn’t real. Knowing that, she chooses the bold move to swim away from her fears. She did not have to concern herself about breathing. This choice clearly differentiated herself to the observer. Her efficient, clear thinking got her out of the exercise four times faster than the average. She went on to hear how others stalled in front of their fears, taking in the fullness of their unpleasantness with all senses. Telling the story also heightens fear further.

Her second go at the exercise finds her in a large tank, quickly filling with water. Seeing her reflection again reminds her that this isn’t real. A few intentional taps with her finger breaks the glass, allowing all the water to flow out.

Seeing the movie Divergent based on a book by Veronica Roth published in 2011, inspired me. In Part 1 of You Are The Lover And The Loved I was moved to include these videos. Yet resisted … with great difficulty.

One man’s impulsive is another man’s clarity.

The idea that it is not about right versus wrong but two versions of right.

In the movie, the clarity and integrity of the heroine was outside of the average – outside of the box. People like this were labeled divergent and hunted down. Their existence threatened the powers that be. They were free thinkers. I see this as analogy to the Mental Health labeling of our time. I do not think conscious intention is in place in the world I experience. But I believe our society is served by a variety of perspectives, including my own. In the movie, the heroine is taught by the observer, a fellow divergent, to think like the average so as not to draw attention to herself. I have felt that in my own life in some way. Another hypothesis of Bipolar Disorder. It becomes clear that you need to pretend to think as others around you think, for their comfort. In a fear-based society, your loved ones want the best for you. They fear what would happen to you if the truth was known. There is another truth that happens to you when the truth is not allowed. That truth is scarier to me than the former. Labeling and medicating a variation of normal (for lack of a better word) in our current societal backdrop. Feeling like a broken record with my little Bipolar Disorder story. I have reluctantly pointed towards the concept that Mental Illness can only exist with the societal environment we now experience. Changing the societal environment will, over time, wipe out what we today think of as Mental Illness. Another of my Hypotheses. Yet again, I add: Listen to Me Now. Believe Me Later.

January 4, 2015, a Saturday, I was completely surprised but tickled pink to receive a text from Mr. Brasil around 10pm. Just the text alone was more than I would have ever expected. We continued to playfully go back and forth via text. It was not long before a date was implied … to go skating. And then all of a sudden I am being invited right then … to the acreage. I was to redeem myself for my pirating of the movie Interstellar, the activity his text found me in. Past or no past, could not deny the excitement at seeing him again. Afterthought from him was to bring warm clothes and my skates. He had a pond just off his property that he had been clearing of snow to allow for skating. I looked up the weather forecast on my phone app: there was a cold weather warning out. -29 degrees Celcius, felt like -34 (mild windchill). Perfect! Ignore warnings. A hobby of mine. I excitedly collected my newest acquisitions from Camper’s Village. A red North Face uber-warm jacket that covers my derrière and my very first pair of Sorel boots. Not sure how a Canadian manages to thrive for 48 years without ever owning a pair of the superior thermal boots but I did. This pair was sparkly silver. I felt the ensemble was pretty smart looking … for any Inuit opportunities that might come along. My longtime hat with earflaps from LL Bean completed the look. He described my hat as “like an old lady”. He did not stop there but continued to recount seeing a lady at the grocery store that same day wearing a hat like mine. Let the deflation begin… Luckily, my Forrest Gump traits kick in at times like these. The comment was quickly left behind. Back to enjoying his company, which I thoroughly did as always.

We bundled up, he looking more the criminal now with his balaclava and ski goggles. I felt less equipped as my nose and cheeks were exposed. Checked off a Bucket List item that I had not been aware of. Ride on the back of an ATV, driven by a sexy beast, under a full moon at midnight in Beautiful rural Alberta at -30 degrees. Not a cloud to obscure the sky full of stars.(Coldplay) Breathtaking. The drive to the skating pond was a thrill – for me. Ho hum – for him. Kinda like our sex life … sadly. I think lame was a term that was cast about at one point. It is my middle name afterall. Claudette means lame or disabled. I have translated it to differently-abled for my writing, not sure the same translation works here. A great mystery to me. With scientific interest, I wanted to explore the mismatch. Defied logic to my perception. I have an active imagination and have hypotheses but my lips are sealed for now. What lurks beneath the surface? Something outside of ordinary experience? Just a hunch…

Whoops, back to the story. Narrow path. At times evergreen branches would sweep across us. Steep descent. Gravity pressing me into his back. Hang on, sweet Angel! That would be me talking to myself.

Huayna Picchu stairs at Machu Picchu in Peru

I treat myself like a queen. We walked around a little once at the site but headed back to camp shortly thereafter. He reminded me of myself when he stopped midway up the hill on the trail at a pile of chopped wood. His habit was not to waste a trip but to grab a load each time he goes by on the Quad, filling the front cargo. A hauling moment prevents a hauling day. The concept is an adaptation from a Norwex (ecofriendly cleaning product company… yes from Norway) sales rep’s sound advice “a cleaning moment prevents a cleaning day”. She taught me all the details and I used them in those two years that I cleaned my own house. It works! Back to the story.

Speed was fast going up, one large log flew off. Carry on. Our habits define us. He is very industrious: a get ‘er done kind of guy. Efficiency is celebrated. Gotta love that! While other men are discussing why something may not be possible, he would be half way done the job. That was my perception anyway. I did not know him all that well and only since August 2014. Busy schedules have found us together seldomly. But I know a good man when I see one. Similar to my best girlfriends. Large gaps occur in our meetups but we always pick up right where we left off. My girlfriends, that is. It was only after writing these words that the concept of how uncommonly this loving approach is applied in the more romantically/sexually charged friendships. A pity … Did you notice my gender neutral declaration? I celebrate diversity. I am so 2015!

My moment recognizing that “he was not that into me” had passed weeks before. After returning from my Brasil trip with strict orders not to raise my sexual energy, I was a bit standoffish with Mr. Brasil. He was aware of my unique detoxification instructions which included avoiding alcohol and a few other things, most notable sex, even with myself. We had plans to connect a few days before detox. ended. Somehow neither of us texted or called to specify the plans. Weeks passed. I followed my feelings and texted a Merry Christmas with the wish to share New Year’s Eve together. A day later, he texted Merry Christmas, have a nice trip. Noticeably absent was mention of future plans of any sort. Nuff said. I chose to let it go. I used the old stopwatch technique learned from Pema Chodron: no emotion felt fully can last longer than 90 seconds. In my experience, she had always been right. I had pretty much accepted it by then anyway. Just had the inspiration to let him know the bridge was not burned. Make no assumptions. Do not take it personally. Very important, clarify to myself how I feel and choose how I want to act upon my feelings. I was certain that he was the most eligible bachelor in the Edmonton region that I was aware of. I enjoyed spending time with him. I chose to send out the flare (the text). I respect his freedom to choose his response too. It takes two to Tango. Before Christmas, no sign of his desire to Tango.

January 4, 2015 curiosity was explored. I enjoyed the moments. The moment is king… always. Whether more moments come, time will tell. My sense is he does not really have very much extra time in his life. In this great big world, this smorgasbord of Beautiful people, there is no need for us to always go it alone. Love to celebrate coming together as often or seldom as is authentic… for both people in any friendship. That is how it works. In my world anyway. I feel I have upgraded my beliefs around relationship.

In the story, You Are The Lover and The Loved, I spoke of how I let my lover go once I recognized my strong attraction to Mr. Brasil. He did not ask me to. I now feel I should not have. Sure enough Mr. Kik returned to his former position after a six month hiatus. I connected with him for the first time this same week December 30, 2014. The married man.

A second married man, I call him my High School Sweetheart, entered the scene. I did not even know him in High School but met him at our 30 year Reunion. Slightly ironic. We hit it off and started a friendship … with a wee romantic flavor. I had been more honest with him than any other man ever. Felt so good. Seemed to draw him to me like a magnet. I immediately started a story called, “Sleeping With A Friend”. I continually reminded him that we will be lifelong friends. I have even informed him who he will be romantically connected to in the future. What do I know? The moment is king, an oft repeated phrase. I did not see us as lovers, but some kissy/cuddly moments kept popping up. Surprising me at first but with repetition, less and less. He treated me so well from the moment we met. I enjoyed his company. He is a perpetually optimistic man with the same bounce in his step that he had in High School. Yes, I had noticed him back then. I nicknamed him top jock from those memories. His tagline: the only one in High School to go from jock to banger to prep in three years. Few men are able to maintain their young man vigor. Our conversations nourished my storytelling. I treasure him.

Warily I disclose a little conversation I had with myself months ago, before Mr. Brasil. I trust it is apparent from my writing style that I am taking an anthropological, scientific approach to relationships. My experiences and life story serve as the laboratory. I played with and continue to play with concepts in my mind. I questioned the social rules. Have they served our highest good? I perceived that I had connected to a Spirit Guide that has been present since birth but fully into my awareness October 2014. Every now and again I will catch myself asking a question. Intended to be rhetorical. And I get an answer. I used to wonder where the answers came from. I thought it was my higher self that I read about in Spiritual Circles. My perception evolved to that it was from a Spirit Guide.

One fine day in mid 2014, with great exasperation I asked myself, “How many boyfriends do I need?” Rhetorical question just appeared in my thoughts. Forget the details but you know those moments where you wonder why your needs are not being met? Probably this occurred before my website because I was noting that all the boys were so busy working that they had no time for me. Once I started publishing on the website, I had no time for them. What answer do you think I heard? Instant and clear, the answer was “four”. WTF?? I have a saying: Ask the right question to get the right answer. I was not ready to hear that answer. Still not calling it truth but it was an answer. Beware resisting what could be truth. It was outside my imagination how that could ever be in this world. I am aligning with the idea that Understanding is Optional … more often than I would have thought. But how can you go where you have never been without doing or thinking what you have never done or thought. Be Nimble in Mind and Body.

It definitely caught my attention. Eyes bugged out (my guess). Turned my head to look over my shoulder. I knew there was nobody there but it seemed prudent to check. I toyed with the concept for a millisecond or two and rejected it. I nearly completely forgot it until it popped into my mind while writing this piece. I sat down to write a channel, a daily habit of connecting to my Spirit Guide while typing (I type questions and the answers come through my fingers. Witnessed the same type of channeling in Brasil numerous times, but they always wrote by hand) and was shocked at this story coming down as you are reading it.

Mysterious fun is what I call it. Some would call it crazy. Just offering an alternative perspective for your consideration. Repressed mediumship is considered a cause of psychosis in some Integretive Psychiatry circles. Thrilled that I have connected to other Professionals who support my direct experience.

Tangentially, I will add in that the movie Interstellar had me quite excited near the end. I was watching it with my 17 year old daughter, the brains behind the piracy operation (I was more the accomplice). The rendition of the main character connecting to his daughter in the past via the 5th dimension raised goosebumps. Reminiscent of my first manic experience. It was really hard to explain and yet, here was a moviemaker showing it on film. I was distracted by Mr. Brasil at this crucial point in the film. Need to see it again. We had a slightly inferior quality production by chance. I sensed my daughter’s challenge in hearing me speak of my experiences. I do not take it personally. She received the cultural templates that generate her skepticism … from me. My concept sounds far fetched, I get it. I was speaking very softly and telling her the few points in the movie that I resonated with so much. The young daughter in the movie feeling like she was communicating with a ghost initially. Nobody believed her but she was so sure. The ghost ended up being her Dad in the future. Time being relative was portrayed in an approachable way. Pure physics people. Stories are superior at portraying challenging concepts than a teacher in the classroom. Get it? By design.

Interstellar: Another fictional (Truth is Stranger than Fiction) depiction of you don’t know what you don’t know. Our current system is so set on one person declaring that another person does not know what they claim to know. Are we confused yet?

Just sayin’…

My roundabout way to point out: I want to unlearn all that I have learned. And start again.
The Relationship System is up for remodeling. The current state of affairs (pardon the pun) has not won my faith.

I do not discriminate on the basis of marriage… anymore.

The moment is king. There are no rules outside of authenticity, love and respect – Myself first. My feelings are my guide, my arrow. I follow my arrow. Expectations about outcome are a no no. More concerned about what I have found than what I am looking for. We attract what we are. Men are like snowflakes, no two are alike. If it is not fun, I am not in. If the other is not game, it has nothing to do with me. Likely when they are game, it may have little to do with me also. I am the Lover and the Loved. It is all about me. I am all I need. But sharing is fun and feels good. I am love. Love is infinite. Selfishness is the new black. Love the cheekiness of that statement. Keep in mind that one man’s selfish is another’s self-loving.

My current working model In a Nutshell. No joke.

A woman with six Facebook Pages and a website to express herself might be in a unique position to authentically nurture a number of relationships. Retired and vital. You don’t see that everyday…

Live and Let Live is the bridge to World Peace.

Wanted to point out: my little answer of four men required to match my preferences (I have no attachment to this, but interesting…) is in the current Relationship System. It will be re-written as needed. When you combine the Married man wondering about what to do with his commitment and the single man wanting to avoid commitment at all costs, the impressionist painting is Beautiful. I see the Beauty and Art in everything. The Moment is King. It is hard to be my King when you are not in my Moment. The Moment holds many clues. I have a reputation for being clueless. Freedom to change is always within reach. Yay for me!

I offer that my meandering stories, including this one, try to paint a picture of what living in the now means. In my seeker days, I would roll the concept around in my mind but did not really know how to live it. I still do not. My perception is I am moving towards it. Not without jumping out of the box and crossing a lot of boundaries though. Now can feel so unobtainable even though it is always right here. I sound like some kind of Spiritual Teacher. Hardy har har. I shook my head slowly back and forth after writing that. Paradox.

To keep it 3D, I should add: do not worry about my piracy accomplice crime. I was thoroughly and effectively punished … by Mr. Brasil. I was surprised how much I liked it. The only thing missing was the Police Uniform. Sometimes captivity can be fun. I will try most things once. It is not uncommon for one to be having more fun than the other. Many times, I have been accused of having too much fun. It is not a crime. Is it?

Addendum:

Language. Our friend. A finite number of words. In an infinite Universe. Words have context, historical framework. New concepts require new vocabulary. Concepts exist with or without vocabulary. Humans have capability of communicating outside of words and language. I predict we are heading in the direction of using those alternate forms of communication more in coming years. Time will tell. Is time a belief system? What is time? Just because words do not exist to describe something does not mean it is nonexistent. More contents for the Nutshell.

Par example (for example in French):

Dirty Car Art by Scott Wade

The story of Mr. Brasil was playfully shared. I love my story even though I rarely understand it. Understanding is optional, as is suffering. Many details missing in my stories in general. Believe it or not, I am far from telling all. Going back to the start with Mr. Brasil: playing together in cars. Interesting how in the confined space of a vehicle, lips met. Bodies were embraced. Two playful adults. So. Amazing. Each time, I had the same experience, new to me, that I called melting. Thoroughly enjoyed the moments. Very passionate. Could not get enough. Until my entire body melted. Bliss. Like a surge of warm, fuzzy energy spread across my chest and then throughout my body. As if I was instantly heavier, more dense. I was unable to continue to kiss etc. So serene. Heaven. My physical matter melted onto the seat, in some symbolic way. Reflections about what this was led me to state to myself, “If I never had another orgasm, and had meltings instead, I would be just fine.” A strange choice of words indeed. Months later, I heard Teal Swan talking about Orgasms, two kinds: Intrinsic and Extrinsic. Eureka! The word I was looking for was intrinsic orgasm. True Story: experienced these amazing orgasms and did not even realize they were orgasms. Pretty funny. Or clueless. Just because I did not understand or have a word for the experience, did not deny the experience. Listen to me now. Believe me later.

Experience is a model teacher. In a Nutshell. Vocabulary can lag. Clueless upgrades to unaware. When I have the intention to become aware, it happens … in a heartbeat. Yet not for the fainthearted is what I have been told.

Metaphysical exploration. Go where no man or woman has gone before. Perhaps a few have gone before. I consider myself a Pioneer, albeit a reluctant one. Like the Astronaut who went into the black hole in the movie Interstellar. I have no idea where I am going or what I will find. I would not be surprised if the experiences lack vocabulary. Hard to have a word for something rarely experienced. I plan to keep that in mind.

Immediately after reading Gustavo’s article, a handwritten channel came down. Apparently Peter, my Spirit Guide, wanted to tweak one area. It was #10. Activating Your DNA that prompted the following:

DNA Activation may be better termed transmutation. Its Physics definition is the relevant one: any process in which a nuclide is transformed into a different nuclide. Another of the definitions was the Alchemical one. He does not feel Alchemy is a useful concept moving forward. I had always been attracted to the term alchemy. The Physics of Consciousness Professor, me, was unfamiliar with the word nuclide. Peter gave a thumbs up to both of the definitions given on dictionary.com.

noun, Physics.

1. an atomic species in which the atoms all have the same atomic number and mass number.

2. an individual atom in such a species.

Reading this definition gave me little understanding about what was meant. Peter clarified that one nuclide would increase energetic vibration, thus be changed. I perceived it as truth. We are all free to choose the reality we experience. Do you want to evolve? It is a Yes or No question. You are free to choose.

Love and respect the work of Gustavo Castener. Somehow was compelled to translate this one detail from his concise, expansive document … written for those who answered Yes to do you want to evolve. For those who answered no, please ignore. It will make no sense to you. You are free to dismiss it.

To my perception, it is an approachable description of what some people are now experiencing. For a subset of us, we experience a Spiritual Emergency as the synchronicities come into our awareness.

My translation: we freak out when our actual experience seems impossible based on our understanding of reality.

Medical Science Perspective: Psychotic Episode.

Not being aware of this transmutation process, an energetic phenomenon best pigeon-holed into Quantum Physics, the patient gets lost in translation. The patient and the Doctor are living by different rulebooks. Quantum Physics itself has long known about paradox. One set of rules for large objects and then the Quantum rules for tiny, tiny objects. Observer effect etc. Things may not be what they seem. It really shocked me when I learned that these quantum physics concepts that challenge the status quo in Science have been known since the 1940’s. Funny (for lack of a better word) they never came up in my education which included University level Physics. I toyed briefly with the idea of going into Physics in University. I loved Physics in High School. My University Physics Professor knew my face and name based on his seeking me out. I entered the final exam with a 100% average – blown when I got one wrong answer. No big. Decided that I could not imagine a job outside of Physics Professor. Was tentative about the male domination also. Women were a severe minority in the Department. As strong as my interest in Physics was, it was only Newtonian Physics that appeared available. Pity.

The Ascended Relationship article just dropped into my lap the day prior to publishing what I thought was the finished story …along with large volumes of other things I needed that day. I was overflowing with Gratitude. That day (aka yesterday), I was not freaking out. Still taking 600mg of Lithium though. For lack of a better word, I understand. Matt Kahn so wisely advised at the retreat I attended September 2014 to act casually. I upgrade my teacher’s words to: Act Naturally. Of course, you may not know what naturally means with the new rulebook.

Jimmy Neutron

Abundantly (you have what you need to have when you need to have it): Experience is the model teacher. Follow your arrow/compass/excitement.

This is not Rocket Science. Oh wait a minute, maybe it is. Jimmy Neutron (cartoon movie that I highly recommend).

Using some of Matt Kahn’s suggestions, I calmly noted, “wow you don’t see this amount of synchronistic flow everyday”. Interesting … One large difference between just prior to my first Manic Episode with Psychotic features and this new trend was that I was more able to act Naturally this time. Very casual. Physically, I have adapted a lot. Energetic vibration on day of admission, October 2012: over 500. Einstein was 499. To get over 500 (Love or Above), you have to lose your mind. Translation: Your mind becomes a tool rather than the CEO of your life. Heart-based living. True Story. I continue to vibrate over 500. Experience needs to unlearn all that we have learned (Yoda) because there is a new rulebook when you vibrate above 500. It would be fun to call it the Rocket Science Rulebook!

Did I mention that my mom phoned that same morning? Just to touch base. I felt very connected.

I had the urge to publish three stories in one day. Two was all that reality allowed. No big. Self-doubt swirled around like a dust devil. I created a new mantra: Self-doubt, be gone! I repeated it frequently for about 30 minutes. Then I got back to work.

Thought I would mention that Mr. Brasil Episode 2 flowed very smoothly from my fingers. Peter is claiming nearly 100% on this one. First time ever. In the past it has been both of us. He stated that this

Bentinho Massaro’s School

is the new normal. I am now a clearer conduit for him to channel stories from our shared perspective. For efficiency sake. It is a fact that I am distractable. Not that there is anything wrong with that. It was easier to keep track when the two events written about coincidentally occurred on the same day. I was watching Interstellar, Mr. Brasil texted immediately followed by a visit. Made me think of Bentinho Massaro describing it as Following the Breadcrumb Trail until you find yourself in the Flow. When you are in the Flow, you just Know. An Excellent Prognostic Indicator – my old Doctor Speak. Tee hee.

Love this Quote:Hope means intentionally using the idea of a future to keep you from experiencing the present. It’s a crutch, but when you feel lame, use it. Byron Katie

One of my final read throughs, I asked myself if this was my Disability, the Lame in Disabled Angel. Not living in the Now. I got a No. It is the connection to an unnatural, sick by the old rulebook, Collective Consciousness. The majority of people do not know who they really are, as creator beings … and it is infectious. Not in the Sciency way but the Rocket Sciency way. I am dumbing it down here. Capiche? Not. An inside joke for my Bro’. I always write with the intention that it will be read by the right person, at the right time for my highest good and the highest good of all. Likely, I repeat myself there as my highest good and the highest good of all are synonymous in the off chance that they are not. Very curious when his reading it will serve the highest good. Would love for him to understand why I laughed so hard when he brought me to Emergency October 2012. I called myself the Angel Comedian. When we first presented, the lady behind the desk asked for the patient’s Healthcare Card. I laughed like a fool, telling my Bro’ to hand his over. He was the one worried and concerned. An unnatural state for an Actualized Human Being. Being honest to a fault, I knew he was more sick than I. Everything was suddenly backwards to all of my prior beliefs. Recognizing it all at once … was hilarious to me. The biggest Scooby Doo ending I had ever been aware of! I was too honest for everyone. They could not handle the truth. Coming from the fool. This is not new. Remember Shakespeare? I did not embrace being the bearer of truth in that moment. It brought out a lot of fear. Ancestral fear of being burned at the stake. 3D fear of being committed, involuntary admission to a Psychiatric ward. With my Medical experience, I knew what was going to happen next. I am grateful that they no longer use straight jackets but was disappointed that the rubber room was no longer in use. That would have been Fun. Leave it to the Psychiatric System to take out the Fun Part. This loop has been running a while. Comedians (my upgrade for fool) have a lot to offer in the New World.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result. Albert Einstein

P.S. – Possibly one was left uncertain what I was trying to convey here.

One point worth mentioning: Leaving my friend’s acreage Sunday morning, I had no idea if I would ever see him again despite the fact that I would welcome it wholeheartedly. Huge surprise to me that the moment I arrived home, seven pages of story went down with grace and ease. And everything I needed for the story came in at a pace not too fast, not too slow. If it was too slow, it would be inefficient. One would have to get into the story numerous times. Too fast would overwhelm a person – Psychotic break a couple of times in my history. I was resisting what was flowing through me. Blew a fuse. As in Goldilocks and the three Bears, there was a juuuust right. That was Easy… It would be impossible for me to regret my thoroughly enjoyable time with Mr. Brasil (even if he thought it was lame). So sometimes when I laugh, I understand it could be deemed crazy. But from my perspective, I laugh and would love to take on the challenge of figuring out how to tame that sexy Beast. Yes, that probably sounds rude. I mean it as a compliment. It is very authentic for me. Do you see the invincibility here? It does not hurt my feelings. It makes me curious. Curiosity never killed the cat. That’s what they say. Go ahead. Call me crazy. I call me Resilient … by Design.

Live and Let Live is the Bridge to Optimal Health … and World Peace.

I take my Beloved (self) wherever I go. I am not in need. My arrow will point me back to Mr. Brasil if that serves me best. I could say I have full faith but that does not sound strong enough anymore. I have alignment to my truest self and much more clarity in how this game (of Life) works. Not necessarily a long term relationship but relating. Take One Step at a Time. We may be best served with a few more experiences together, a lot more experiences or not another experience. I used to call it Embrace Uncertainty. I would now describe the Upgrade as Divine Neutrality (I have heard this term and did not really understand it for a long time). It could be called Embodying Your Higher Self. It is an Invincible Feeling. Yet the Human is still shockingly present. There is no need to call an Experience Bad or Good. My Upgrade now for experiences is Authentic. I desire Authentic Experiences Everyday … All Day.

Since I cannot ever have anything but. A Dream Comes True in Every Moment. Reality in Every Moment. Transmutes to: A Miracle in Every Moment.

Because in my world what used to be called a Miracle is now Reality. Pure Physics of Consciousness people… When you feel it, you will know. Commonly, reading somebody else’s story can act like a signpost to help you read the unique signs in your own life. Shamen and Medicine Men/Women in the Aboriginal cultures have long known this. Storytelling, dancing and music are the ancient prescriptions for Soul Healing aka Holistic Healing. Empowers the Self-Healer within each one of us. Bad (for lack of a better word) news is it would eventually put Doctors Out of Business. Empowerment Coaches are the new Family Physician.

That is how my Medical Doctor can be right about Bipolar Disorder … and I too am right about Bipolar Disorder. It is Not Right and Wrong but Two Versions of Right.

Transmutation … in a Nutshell

The Beautiful Truth is the Freedom to Choosewhich mindset you live from. Live and Let Live. Beware one mindset holding the other mindset Captive. The Leap of Faith so often described is when one starts to consciously believe that one’s thoughts/intentions (energetic vibrations truly) create the perceived reality. Can feel a little crappy. You are shocked that you would have created things as they are … but you did not do it consciously. Consciously or unconsciously, it is my belief that the power is there for each one of us. So when a captor chooses not to believe the other’s mindset, fine. When he insists on the captive feeling how he feels, there is a disturbance in the force. Star Wars joke. Peace is Impossible without the Live and Let Live. The Different Mindsets: no Problem as long as Freedom to Choose Mindsets Exists.

Just as Don Miguel Ruiz has long inspired, I am Impeccable with My Words. Follow me?

Disclaimer: Every individual is different, with a different Soul Purpose. Just because my purpose may be best served by four romantic gentleman friends now in my life, does not mean the same is true for you. Or even for me in the future. Perhaps, this story was required and now the rulebook changes. That is partly what I mean when I say:

Be Nimble in Mind and Body.

The Crutch of looking ahead is Prohibitively Disabling.

The Crutch of looking ahead is Radically Disabling.

The Crutch of looking ahead is Gloriously Disabling.

Be Not Afraid. It’s A Beautiful World by Dierks Bentley featuring Patty Griffin. It’s a Beautiful World. And You are holding the Key. The fun part is discovering which locks your key opens.

Reflecting on my first intimate encounter with my Kik friend May 2014. Kik is the app. he and I used to get to know each other. Wow! Is the short version. I played back a few moments in my mind. My body filled with sexual energy every time. He stood out as the most satisfying lover I had ever experienced at that point in time. Yet, it was only our first time together. How can that be? Why? Was it just me being so much more in love with myself than ever before? Working with the hypothesis that a higher energetic vibration results in an enhanced perception of the world around you. You will see more of what you are. One will see their own personalized version of things. In the words of Matt Kahn, my favorite teacher these days, in answer to what is Reality? It was me who asked him this question when I attended a retreat in Portland, Oregon in February 2014, “You are.” Love that answer!!!

At the pub, I recognized my Kik friend at second glance standing at the bar. I approached and playfully pointed from hip level to show that I was the one…he was looking for. Ha ha. I felt very comfortable instantly as I sensed he did. Not that we did not both stammer a bit with the first sentences. He directed me to choose a table. Loved his flirty comment that I should go first so he can check it out from behind. He wanted to take it back as it just flowed out. I was quick to reassure him that I would be concerned if he did not feel that way. Next thing I was sharing about my attractive gay friend in High School. He looked like Christopher Reeves, the original Superman. I noticed something off with my High School friend when he did not return my affection (we hung out a bit), but homosexuality was not in my understanding at the time. His loss I always thought. Once I understood him more, I realized it was my loss too. He may have benefited from a friend. I could have been a better friend. That is where authentic communication comes in handy. I can imagine that might have been a hard conversation. I would have been well suited for it. Love authentic anything! It allows for deeper human connection.

Back to 2014: Conversation continued very real…and easy. Shortly into the conversation, I guessed he was married. He felt he had fessed up already when he stated that he was very attached in a prior Kik message. I had wondered what he had meant by that. Interesting that it went over my head. Kind of glad it did… I am not 100% sure I would have agreed to meet him. Who am I kidding? I probably would have. I was curious. I certainly would not go back now.

His energy was so calm. The opposite of rushed. Learned that I love that! He asked gently, “so now what?” or something along those lines. I had an answer in my head more as feelings, not words. Pictures, not phrases. I was noticing this more and more in my life. I liked it. If I am with someone who demands a word or phrase response, it might not work. He seemed able to read me. I enjoyed a long pause, just looking into his eyes. I perceived that I embodied calm energy too. The gaze was gentle, lacking all expectation but noticing what was there. Not lusty. Just connected. I reached out both hands so that my forearms were parallel and inside his two forearms. He did not rush but eventually put both of his hands on mine. I am reminded how strong a hand fetish I have. Sexual energy rushed through my body like someone just rang the bell at the carnival with the big hammer, you know? Pretty hard to ignore. He gently caressed my palms with his two masculine masterpieces. That might have entertained me all night. I could not take my eyes off those hands. Long after he asked his question, “so now what”, I ask him if he still needed an answer. He smiled and became the sexiest man on earth right then and there.

After a while of just enjoying the company, I suggested we go to my place. It took no convincing. I guess that was always the plan. The pub was a check to see if we clicked or not. We headed out to our vehicles. I ensured that he had my address in case I lost him driving. Time stood still. I saw him planted there in front of me, so peaceful and sure. He took my face in his hands and kissed me…so tenderly and slow. The greatest power has the lightest touch. I felt like I had been pulled out of the time continuum. I watched the Kim Possible movie “A Stitch in Time” the day prior. Love the time continuum! Time flows around us but we are the island, stable and unmoving in the middle of a raging river. I just had to try to capture how I felt in words. Maybe the rest of the world finds this completely self-evident. You experience it every Wednesday and Saturday or whatever your schedule is. I tease you all. For me, this was new.

Once at my place, more of that deep soulful kissing. Mmmmm… We were standing. Seemed upstairs would be a more suitable venue. I led. He followed. So much more of the same soulful connection with each and every movement. Oh. So. Delicious. I perceived him like a flower blooming. I felt he was giving me all the love he had. We were meeting face to face for the first time with three weeks of fun banter prior. I have had connections with men where intimate fun felt appropriate upon first meeting, but not like this. I intuited that he loved himself more than any other man I had ever been with. He knew who he was and what he was for. Despite not quite having the details, I am compelled to share that either as a late teenager or young man, he faced death. Beat cancer? It affected his present day philosophy. We are all here to love. Not to judge if the other is worthy of love. The other is as worthy as you are. I am not sure who started it, to me it felt like it was him. I could completely give myself in to that philosophy. I felt like I was accepting an award at the Academy Awards on behalf of another not able to be present that evening. Yet, it was just as real as if I was that person. I felt and feel so worthy of that. My belief is that it is true for everyone, if you are in a place to let it in. I guess that was the big breakthrough for me. I am worthy. So, so worthy. I felt it to my core. With our three weeks of texty, not sexty, communication before we had met, we knew that we shared some philosophy. I knew he had read at least one of my stories online. It was a potentially challenging one too: The Twin Flame story. He had said more than once that he was a voracious reader. Just using the word voracious turned me on. He also had messaged, “I concur” once in reference to loving wearing flip flops. Love that! A man with a vocabulary. Hot stuff! In my experience, a man who wears flip flops knows how to chill. I want that in a man. Just another reminder that the brain is the most important sexual organ in the body. But it came down to the energy. I sensed it nearly right away…from a distance.

In the Plenty of Fish computer dating game, I had connected quite strongly to another writer weeks prior. He messaged a lot of his writing to me over several days. I was warming to him more and more. Handsome and expressive. His poetic writing touched my heart. I tentatively offered for him to read my writing. I wondered if opposites attracted, stated these very words to him. I was referring to our writing styles. In this case, no, opposites repelled. Once he read my writing, he requested that I never message him again. Funny. I had guessed that maybe he was in la la land. He was expressing such beautiful admiration for me. I was playing a role in his fantasy. When he read my writing, it burst his bubble. Whoops! Reality strikes. That pesky reality. I realized that I will never feel authentic caring from a man who has not read my writing. I was a little nervous about my Kik friend reading my stories but it became obvious when I was up late the day I published the Twin Flame story. I am honest to a fault. Authentic also. He could not help but be curious, I imagine. I do not want to pull the wool over anyone’s eyes. I am a unique blend. I only know how to be me.

I wanted to capture this intriguing man, Mr. Kik, in words as best I could. I think of him like a fruit ripened to perfection. I am known to my kids as the fruit and vegetable whisperer. I have a knack for intuitively knowing when produce will be delicious or not and when it is ripe and ready. I look at my life’s experience. Maybe I am honing that in the Man department. Nice. History had shown that the less effort I put in to meeting a guy, the better the result. In the case of my Kik friend, his timing was perfect. He nearly missed out. He got into my dating world just as the garage door was about to close. I could just see him dropping and rolling under that door. I was closing down the dating game for a while just as his first message came in. He was the last connection from the Plenty of Fish website. He just made it…

I was so enthralled with publishing my stories on my website that I lost all interest in playing with the boys. Two dates with two different men the first two days the website was live – no interest. One was a young, sexy man fresh from Spain but I had no enthusiasm for him. I was following the oft repeated advice for me: kiss a few frogs. In this case, I only kissed the Spanish frog. Despite the frog’s desires, I left it at that. See, I do say no when inspiration does not strike. The other was a successful business owner from the burbs. Quirky memory: I flirted with the waitress instead of my date. Yes, she was a woman but playful and sexy in a wholesome way. Realized that was a dismal date for my gentleman friend. Hardy har har. I had fun … just not with him. I always follow my intuition. Let us Kik back or back to Kik, I mean. I chose to banter back and forth with Mr. Kik whenever he would message. Somehow he always chose his words wisely. Playful, yet respectful. A little bit shy. Slowly over a few weeks, I recognized that I really enjoyed his communications. Curiosity was piqued. Must satisfy that…always.

I recognize that my behavior can look very impulsive. I am a pretty smart cookie. But I have come to understand that it is intuition. When vision is clear, it does not require weeks of interacting. When you know and trust yourself. You just know when you know. There are no rules about this. Energy exchange started with this friend upon our first message. I am amazed at how much can be transmitted from afar. There are a few men who have really helped me to experience this. Norwegian friend #1, #2 and now my Kik friend. Oh, cannot forget “Backwards Day” friend. Nice to connect with someone a little closer to home base. Mr. Kik is the only one of the group to call Edmonton home. It is my working hypothesis that it is simply physics. Energetic vibration matches or is close. A passive physical phenomenon. Works magically and mysteriously when you are thinking with the traditional collective consciousness mindset. Let go the need to understand. When oceans of good vibrations are moving through your body, you can take that as a sign. Make sense? This is not rocket science people …

I think about my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. I have been on both sides of the diagnosis: doctor and patient. I know impulsive behavior could be called a symptom…by a Diagnostician who lacks clarity. One man’s impulsive is another man’s clarity. See where that judging stuff is not such a good idea? Whose rulebook do we use? Is there such a thing as the right rulebook and the wrong rulebook? (Insert: Proving that I can somewhat control my impulses, I am not going to elaborate on how the Movie Divergent exemplified my thoughts so well on this topic. I have decided this story needs a Part 2: coming soon.) I encourage us to allow the lines to blur here. Most of us really have no idea how clear or unclear we are. Including me…of course. It is next to impossible to be objective in this department. Medical Practitioners are no exception. If the one holding all the power is murky in their vision, God help us all. Add in Legal Powers and viola, we have our present day Mental Health System. Judging another’s clarity is an uphill challenge. When mindsets do not match, it is unfair for one to judge the other. Live and let live goes a long way to world peace. I boldly declare that often it takes time passing to enable a more accurate assessment of clarity. Only upon looking back will the reflection be clear. If we have issue with the status quo, then we are well served to choose to change. That is what I choose. I ask others to allow me to play out my choices.

It is my hypothesis that Mental Illness is the way it looks when the caterpillar first opens its wings. The wings are particularly delicate initially. They need time to dry. Clarity crystallizes over time. The Mental Health System is setup to cut those wings and stuff you back into the cocoon. Mindset has shifted away from the collective consciousness and yet the mentally ill patient, for lack of a better description, is expected to follow the old rulebook of the collective consciousness. We are stuck in a loop… as a society…for a longtime now. We take those transforming and transcending the collective consciousness shackles, medicate them and spoonfeed back the regurgitated mindset. The freshly evolving individual is fragile. Fear has been a way of life, embedded deep within the mindset. Like horses when the barn is on fire, they run back to what they have always called home. Instincts supercede evolution. An agonizing death greets the horses, a marginalized existence can be expected by most of the Mentally Ill (for lack of a better word). With authoritarian style, the Medical Profession reminds the patient (for lack of a better word) of the rules. If we ever hope to get out of this loop, something will have to change. It is my dream to test my hypotheses out. Perhaps that will be by demonstrating heart open care of what is now considered mental illness but could also be viewed as people undergoing transformation. People letting go of past beliefs and blocks and connecting to their true selves: their natural state. A change of the gameboard. Mindset shift. Could be huge…if we allow it. This requires some nurturing.

I have some ideas…

When the reality police tell me I can’t feel the way I in fact do feel, I go crazy – using their terminology. That is Bipolar Disorder. You’re welcome for my translation services, again. It only took me 48 years to figure that out. I am unaware of a book with that information but am thankful my life has taught me something very important. The cure: live and let live. Love and support each other peacefully. Each of us thrive when we follow our excitement. Excitement will look differently for each of us. Trust others to know for themselves. Is that so hard? Easier said than done, you say? It is as easy as you decide it is. Go for it!

Also want to add that this moment in time is different from the past, even ten years ago. I, along with many others, hypothesize that energetic changes on the earth in recent years will put a large amount of the human population in a position to transform. It will happen more efficiently for those now than for those in the past. Let us learn all we can in this New World.

If we wait for others to love US, and we constantly need them to prove their love to us, we could be in for a very long wait. It’s a huge responsibility trying to make someone feel “loved”, and it isn’t really our job, it’s theirs. Sure our part is to be Loving, caring, honest and loyal, but not to be forever trying to prove our actions and feelings to others who are not ready to accept it, or cannot accept it without constant proof can be never ending.

We cannot lose by giving love, but we will lose if we hold our love back waiting for others to prove themselves first. When we can give easily without any expectations from others then we have got the true meaning of unconditional love.
All1son of Walking My Talk Facebook Page

P.S. – Find it ironic that I received the most commitment from the married man. Somehow the single guys are busy ensuring that you know that they are not committed to you. They are holding back with their love. I get it. If they were more giving, in my case, I would have been all over that. I am still left confused… They have not seemed open to receiving anything I might like to give. I can only control me.

Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t. To the single mindset.

Whenever sex is involved, pokes a finger in a huge societal wound. So many belief systems there leading to judgment. Judgment is detrimental to evolution. Live and let live…

I believe that there is an unlimited supply of love. I am not afraid to give love. I trust my Self when it comes to choosing to share love with sexual expression. I appreciate that many do not share my views in this area.

I choose to believe that everything that happens to me is within my choice and for my highest good. The traditional collective consciousness might judge something as bad but I assume it serves me whether deemed good or bad with the old rulebook.

Verruckt – Are you insane? Experiencing this ride could be thought of as an analogy for individual human evolution. Not for the fainthearted. Do you get it? Funny that it was a lovely multilingual man I dated (a 3 date special) that put the German word for crazy into my mind. We joked back and forth a lot with that word. He was French Canadian but previously married a German woman and spent many years living in Germany. Somehow, he did not earn a story like most of my gentleman friends have. The nugget to come out of that friendship was: Verruckt. Good to go!

The Married Man. I declare they are the most honest, from my perspective, of men. The ones I have connected to anyway. Yes, more than one now. Slight trend it appears. They share my disdain, stronger word than necessary, for Society’s rulebook. They are very comfortable with themselves and do not care what others think. Nice. They use their own excitement as their guide. Single men play a lot more games in my experience. Authentic communication. Sounds hard but once you try it, there is no going back. Love how I slowly realized that if I am completely honest and it turns out to be judged as bad behavior by Society, I go ahead anyway. I have found great joy and freedom there! Like attracts like: pure physics. Not some grand plan. The gentlemen I have attracted share a similar energetic vibration to myself. I love myself. Hence, loving the men that fall into my lap. It is not rocket science. Maybe it is? I call it Physics of Consciousness. I attract freethinking, smart, fun, playful, sexy men. No surprise there, right? Not that long ago, I might have thought I wanted a relationship. Not too sure about that anymore. I see our Relationship System as subtle slavery for both the man and the woman.

Many thoughts and old programming are based on lies and immature emotional processing. Look at the thought, examine it and see where it leads you into feeling like a victim. Then state the truth, that in every given moment we choose to act, think, and feel in a certain way. Suunat Kumara. Beauty is in the choice. If you feel less than or captive in your situation, choose a new belief once you have figured out which one holds you prisoner. Easier said than done … but do-able.

Love is such an important topic. I was nudged to review some of the most powerful collaborators whom I have discussed the concept of Love (with a capital L). It holds all of our power. Yet is ri...dick..ulously underutilized. I choose to share my personal evolution. I have some fantastic people in my corner.

Gabrielle Hartwell: An Intuitive Life Coach. I have done two readings with her Xmas 2011 and early 2012. My daughter marveled at the appropriateness of her name. She has written a book calledRising Up The Ladder of Love.

Loved how she saw my daughter and I holding hands as equals spiritually. So true. My kids have aided my growth and expansion immensely. She assigned me to look for patterns within my past relationships. Being myself, I made a spreadsheet. I have actually gleaned quite a bit via that technique. My old saying There is no problem that a spreadsheet cannot solve. Whenever you put any collection of data or ideas into rows and columns, you will learn something. Listen to me now, believe me later.

Liora: She calls herself a vibrational alchemist. A Soul-based communicator. A visionary, evolutionist and paradigm shifter. Had several sessions years ago now. Her energy was/is sublime. Firstly, she determined my Soul Signature – just by discussing my life issues and then picking up my vibration. She collected a series of words to describe me In a Nutshell:

Soul Signature is expressing Beautiful Truth and Love in words and pictures. Exclusivity is also in there. Each time we connected the same words would string together differently. She guided me to what she termed the Sacred Self-Reunion. My Soul Purpose would be enabled as I broke down any blocks to expressing my Soul Signature. She helped me to be aware of my Core Wounds which were just the opposite to my Soul Signature. For me: It was bad to express beautiful, emotional truth in words. Especially if they were exclusive. This was over two years ago. At the time, I did not really know what to do with this information. I absorbed it at whatever level. The exclusive baffled me a little. She specifically mentioned that exclusivity within a Soul Signature was a huge challenge.

Before Liora, I connected to an amazing woman, Nadia Tumas. Via analysis of my handprint, she offered information about my Soul Purpose. This was in early 2012. Whenever I need a little boost, I review her reading. She described my Soul Purpose as very Beautiful. I will be a Successful Healer, not in the traditional sense but at a Soul level. She felt that I will heal on all levels, including physical. Words would be my most important modality. She described me as a talented, natural counselor – as if I already have a PhD. Then she described my Life Lesson: Overcome the guilt of being powerful. Stay in my truth, no matter what. With power comes vulnerability of being blamed and rejected. Life School was/is wisdom. She felt that included less than 2% of the population. My biggest challenge was deemed to be procrastination. Could always find a reason not to take action. She felt my Soul came to take risks. I needed to jump off the diving board. Allow things not to be perfect. No such thing as failure. I tended to struggle to move forward. People of this type like information and over-education. Nadia prescribed a mantra for me: I am ready. She proclaimed me destined to be a Reluctant Pioneer. As I wrote this, I was reminded that Nadia’s hand analysis was the most succinct and informative of readings. I enjoy the hobby of connecting to various healers/psychics, so this is a huge statement. Not to downplay any of the others. With each connection, I always learned something.

NOW is the only moment
you will ever truly know.

The rest is memory, anticipation, projection and fantasy.

NOW is home. NOW is eternity.
NOW is your unshakeable root, your unbreakable identity, your calm in the midst of the storm of time.

Live in the moment.
(It’s impossible not to).

– Jeff Foster

I end with another Jeff Foster quote:

“Whatever it is, stop trying to figure it out now. Let it remain unresolved a little while. Stop trying to fast-forward to the answer scene in the movie of your life; trust the present scene of no answer yet. Allow the question itself space to breathe and be fertilized.”

As I am not known to listen to every piece of advice I hear, I boldly state: I am all I need.

P.S. – What happened to Kik friend you ask? I chose to speak of our connection quite freely – to my own surprise. “I have taken a lover”, were the chosen words. It made me feel like an artist. All true writers take a lover at sometime in their life, am I right? I do get a kick out of shocking people. Regular visits continued for months. Summer holidays hit. Kik hurt himself which resulted in missing work. Work schedule was where freedom to visit me existed. No work. No visit. I have since dropped my connection to a couple of rules from the old rulebook. Another exciting connection entered during the gap with Mr. Kik. I got the idea that I should drop my lover as a result. I have always been aligned to the saying Have your cake … and eat it too. So looking back, not sure that I needed to drop Kik. My new friend did not request. I assumed. Did not take my own advice. Relationships can be a form of captivity to my present thinking. I can be loyal if I want to. I am sure of that: 22 year long track record. Not bad. Mr. Kik recently touched base. The fire was restarted. Planned meetup was scheduled days prior to Xmas break 2014. Somebody’s marital partner had some serious medical symptoms pop up and required that she be driven to the hospital. What do you know? Possibly most readers side with the woman. Now that I have my own first-hand experience, I side with the gentleman. I am a strong believer in freedom … for all. It is when one person uses their power and energy to control the behavior of another that peace and love are challenged. Also bad for one’s health. Every man (or woman) for himself. Another perspective for your consideration. Yes, I assumed here … in my intuitive way. The married partners doing the captivity dance. Each expression is unique. Been there, done that. Live and let live is more important at the scale of the home than the world. When there is Peace at home, there is Peace in the world. It takes two to Tango.

In case there have not been enough little sayings included in this story: It is important to call a spade a spade. My sense is that this is a tough one for people.

Strong partnerships are built upon Freedom, Peace and Love. I prefer to include respect and transparency but from where I sit, a lot of people cannot handle the Truth with grace and ease. We all get there … eventually.

January 1, 2015 Addendum:

Started this story in May of 2014. No story had collected as many songs, photos/Facebook posts and quotes as this one had. The process was quite different from other stories somehow. I cut out a huge section which included a spreadsheet. In pure Angèle style. I was crazier than usual while writing this. Keep in mind that I use the words crazy and genius interchangably. The story was in a form of completion prior to Xmas 2014. Yet the nudge to publish did not occur. Fine. Some 11th hour concept often comes to me. As much as these three concepts dangle on their own, I wanted to include three recent revelations.

An awkward conversation with family members over Xmas while on a cruise ship left me giddy as I declared to myself that I don’t believe in Science. At least not the type of science I truly did believe in during Medical School and in Family Practice as a Doctor. The topic was following through with testing advised by our Doctors. On one hand, the declaration was not news to me. But to say it concisely and out loud felt very good. Integrating something within myself. I had never called the spade the spade until this moment. I pussyfooted around the truth. I have a tendency to do that. I wonder why?

The second feel good proclamation was that when you vibrate at or above the energetic vibration of Love, the old rulebook is obsolete. Maybe that sounds elementary. Truth tends to be quite simple. Science becomes irrelevant when you can embody this higher vibration. The two mindsets: believing in Science and not believing in Science really do not marry well. Understatement of the century. Am I making any sense at all? I admit that I chuckle as I ask this. It really does not matter to me. I do desire harmony and peace so continue to try to make myself understood to people who follow the rulebook that I am so very familiar with. The hard part is for them to understand why I do not follow it anymore. I have been labelled crazy. By the old rulebook, absolutely I am. The (Quantum) Physics Professor, that would be me, offers a new perspective to aid in the understanding of what crazy is.

The third concept is that I am crazy. Only I do not believe it means what those who believe in Science thinks it means. I see storytelling as a way to share an alternate perspective. The catch 22 is that those who believe in Science will have a huge challenge before them to understand … unless they choose to loosen their grip on. Wait for it. Wait for it … Reality. Science-based reality. As much as I have had the label of crazy for over 2 years now, I can finally say it and not feel that activist defiant energy. I understand why I am considered crazy. I am more comfortable with it now than ever. A Beautiful Truth. It has more to do with Quantum Physics than illness in the Sciency sense. Listen to me now. Believe me later. It is my belief that the best way to help illuminate this Gap is by demonstrating what is possible. My Life is my Experiment. Just watch me … If I dare be brave enough to step over the boundaries that mean so little to me.

A return to the topic at hand. You are the Lover and the Loved.

A mélange of quotes:

Few is the number of those
who think with their own mind
and feel with their own heart.
– Albert Einstein

“Whatever you are lacking in any situation is what you have not given” Course in Miracles

The Buddhist saying – all expectation leads to suffering – applies to all expectations you create in your life, without exception. Dalai Lama

To find the Beloved,
you must become the Beloved – Rumi

There is nothing that makes its way more directly into the soul than beauty.
~Joseph Addison

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Rumi ~

My role in society, or any artist’s or poet’s role, is to try and express what we all feel. Not to tell people how to feel. Not as a preacher, not as a leader, but as a reflection of us all.
~John Lennon♥

Imagine Cover by Jack Johnson My ideas are far from new to this Earth. Imagine by John Lennon was released in 1971.

2012 Angel Message by Liora (I draw your attention to the year 2012, three years ago. I call that Mind the Gap. Another title waiting for a story. No rush. Lots of time. Tee hee. I am sure with that advice at the moment. I expect others will understand me more in 2-3 years. Sooner if they choose. Free will is alive and well. In the meanwhile, I am all that I need. In Liora’s words, the Sacred Self Reunion. Alleluia!!)

Transcription:

Dear Ones,

As you welcome a New Year with magical unfoldings;

Taking you deeper into your Soul awareness,

Your hearts are expanding to higher love vibrations.

We have not so many words for you, Dear Ones, and we know you will understand this,

realizing all your mental concepts are falling away with each moon phase … and awakening realizations,

Making the way for the new era of the Soul . . .the feelings of the Soul.

Drunk on a Plane by Dirks Bentley. Mr. Kik ressembles Dirks Bentley with hair below his shoulders and most recently a full beard. The Northern Alberta accent is not far off either. Handsome devils those two. Love the video showing how we write our own story. YOLO!

Likely there will be a Part 2 for this story. The only way I could think of to stop adding.

I like to have fun. So one fine weekend in September 2012, I chose to pop in on the Xocai Chocolate ladies who were hosting an event on the Equinox. Jacques, my 12 year old son, had a buddy sleeping over so I put an early curfew on myself – reassuring Jacques’ buddy’s parents. We all laughed. I felt I needed to commit to something on their behalf. So cool, my new approach to parenting! Make sure I am looking after myself…and I need adult company once in a while. I left the house in high spirits.

I was a party all by myself as I nearly ran downstairs upon arrival at the event – the home of one of the Chocolate Ladies. I instantly saw a familiar face, one of my neighbors around the corner. I first met her 14 years prior when our two firstborns were in the same playgroup. It was many years later that she became a neighbor. She instantly marveled at the coincidence, informing everyone of our connection. Not a moment’s pause and the host declares, “So you know the weirdo”. I have replaced the actual word she used as it hurt me to hear it. It shocked me out of my reverie to hear such venom directed towards another Human Being, presumably one of my neighbors. This neighbor had perceived that a man was out to get her children. She alluded to threats of murder. I was stammering. Loss for words. A few more sentences came out before I connected to who they were talking about. I was really caught off guard and heard myself speaking right off the cuff. I cannot really remember the words I used but they were cutting to the chase. I fear they may have lacked compassion for this dear Soul in front of me. Maybe Authentic Honesty was the most Compassionate Response, heaven only knows. I was feeling Compassion for the accused man instantly. I had my own completely Peaceful relationship with him. I put my philosophy/spirituality into one sentence that declared that we each attract our own reality with our thoughts and beliefs. It was not these very words. Something along those lines. Not really sure if my meaning was understood. I recognized her victim energy. Noteworthy, her oldest was/is in a wheelchair. Unsure if that had any relevance to the dramatic chain of events. Then I was bombarded by the accusations, “Could you feel that way if you felt your children’s lives were at stake?” Oh, shit. How did I get into this conversation again? I felt like her goal was to win me over to her side. No way. Not going there. I had my own experiences with this same man and they did not match hers at all. She invited me to her hell. I chose to remain in my heaven. That was how I saw it. I backpedaled as best as I could but basically deflected the conversation away…with the help of my new friend, who concurred with my viewpoint. “Gotta give that girl a hug right now!”, I thought to myself. And that was what I did. OK, end of conversation. The girl I hugged became one of my closest friends.

Short break for a Pema Chodron story:

HEAVEN AND HELL

“There’s another story that you may have read that has to do with what we call Heaven and Hell, life and death, good and bad. It’s a story about how those things don’t really exist except as a creation of our own minds. It goes like this: A big burly samurai comes to the wise man and says, “Tell me the nature of heaven and hell.” And the roshi looks him in the face and says: “Why should I tell a scruffy, disgusting, miserable slob like you?” The samurai starts to get purple in the face, his hair starts to stand up, but the roshi won’t stop, he keeps saying, “A miserable worm like you, do you think I should tell you anything?” Consumed by rage, the samurai draws his sword, and he’s just about to cut off the head of the roshi. Then the roshi says, “That’s hell.” The samurai, who is in fact a sensitive person, instantly gets it, that he just created his own hell; he was deep in hell. It was black and hot, filled with hatred, self-protection, anger, and resentment, so much so that he was going to kill this man. Tears fill his eyes and he starts to cry and he puts his palms together and the roshi says, “That’s heaven.”
(From her book Awakening Loving Kindness)

Heaven and Hell are the Same Place, My Friend…

Well the next two hours I spent were thoroughly enjoyable. A bunch of Divine Goddesses enjoying music, dancing, snacks and a wee wine thrown in for good measure. My dear neighbor kind of segregated herself off with the host, leaving the rest of us to just have some fun. I could not help but reflect on this when I was alone. I performed the Hawaiian Forgiveness prayer numerous times as my energetic/spiritual attempt to heal the situation for us both. I did not dwell on it but I paid attention to it as I saw room for improvement there. The Forgiveness prayer sounded like this, “Dear one (I used her first name but will leave it out here), I am so sorry that I did not ensure you could understand how much compassion I felt for your situation. I love you. Please forgive me. I forgive you. Thank you.” I had compassion for myself too. I recognized that the lesson of how to meet people half way was waiting to be learned. How can we harmoniously coexist? If I could go back, what would I do differently? No idea. On the one hand, I must assume that it was perfect. I questioned myself. Should I approach her to tell her that I have been reflecting on our brief and awkward discussion? I sensed, no. But, I offered an invitation to her – via my prayers. I welcomed her if she chose to review it some more with me. I trusted in my Forgiveness prayer to seal this teaching moment – for both of us – with love and light. I could be sure that I know nothing…and that it was all perfect.

I was also reminded of one of my many favorite topics of exploration: Mental Illness. Actually, I recall using the word explore in the awkward conversation with my neighbor at the Chocolate Party. I was not connected to her truth or my own for that matter. This needed some exploration. Mental Illness was at the core of my neighbor’s challenges – to my perception. I had lived ten years in the neighborhood at that time. The man in question was the son of one of the original owners, living with her for many years now as a single Dad. His lovely daughter is near in age to Jacques, my middle child. I met him, Frank for the purposes of this story, before he officially lived in the neighborhood. One beautiful day, my kids were playing in the back yard. Well nothing attracts kids better than the laughter of other kids. The young girl, Frank’s daughter, was visiting her Grandma that day and chose to come and meet us when she heard all of the fun coming from our backyard – across the street from Grandma. Well she fit right in. I had a brief conversation with her dad that day and with her Grandma on a later date. I always like to connect to the people around me. I know most of my neighbors. I recall how generous my neighbor seemed. She offered to babysit my kids if I ever needed. I did not ever take her up on that offer. We already had two sets of grandparents clamouring for this same privilege. Somewhere along the way, Frank separated and divorced from his daughter’s mom…and moved in with his own mom. It did not take me very long to notice that he was either Schizophreniform personality or Schizophrenic. He tended to wear sunglasses all the time, no matter what the weather. I guessed Schizophrenia – which over time was confirmed with that awful kind of gossip that can be hard to avoid in life. I find that I am pretty good at avoiding it but not 100%. My heart went out to everyone involved. A couple times I noticed a police car parked across the street from his house. Never sure if it was for him or not. I admit that I did have a talk with my kids. I described how Schizophrenia can lead someone to see reality differently. I wanted to give them a head’s up but told them to treat him like any adult neighbor on the street. Usually a person is well more often than in crisis. Be courteous, but use your common sense too. Not a single incident of concern.

I run into Frank regularly enough and it is always a pleasant connection. I gained confidence in my Medical career, for sure. Human to human connection is essential, natural and easy. We are all human. I understand that some labels scare people. I always felt a great rapport with Frank. I went out of my way to say hi when I ran into him out and about. The same courtesy I would give anyone that I know. Ask how his daughter and mom are doing. He always asks jovially how the Doctor is doing. He often sits outside in front of his garage. Wave. Hello! I had always felt the mutual respect. Therefore, I never feared him. I see him. I know him as I know many of my neighbors.

In the past, if I were to choose which Medical Diagnoses I would least like to own myself, Schizophrenia would be at the top of the list. Second would be Alzheimer’s Disease. In both of these illnesses, one seemingly disconnects from one’s self. Could there be anything worse? November 2014 I do not connect to this paragraph anymore. I may even have had it backwards, they may be closer to their higher version of themselves. I would like to formally eat those words. Done. I had thought that regularly enough in the past so I chose not to delete the vestigial sentences.

I ate the words before I knew that the BPS had. Just sayin’. Somebody has to be first … or at least earlier than later. My direct experience, both personally and professionally, taught me a lot. If you have never had any experience, how could you truly expect to understand it. Reading a textbook? Laughable. The University of Life has issued me a PhD in Psychosis. Think of me for all your psychotic needs. Ha ha…

END Nov. 29 addition.

At the time I wrote this I held onto a hypothesis: every single diagnosis is connected to some spiritual/energetic block of some kind. An energetic/spiritual cure exists for any and all illnesses, if only we understood ourselves fully. As I have explored this hypothesis, I have come across many credible people who would agree with me. Some of these are healers extraordinaire. The Medical Establishment would have a tough time accepting this. Miracle cures…Yes! The idea that deep down, many people are not looking for a cure (my personal perception in the Medical System) is noted within the Energetic Healing Community. Healers cannot assume that the sick individual wants full healing or in the form that the healer wants to offer it. There is this need for respecting another’s wishes, deep prayers and reality. Maybe just comfort is their desire in this life. Maybe a quick exit is more to their heart’s yearning. We cannot define this for them. I think often of this in my interactions with people. After a lot of reflection on my role in the wellness world, I am guided to write my little stories. Life has just flowed so beautifully as I have aligned to this – requiring me to Let Go of a lot of Resistance. I have been concerned for the privacy of others and myself. The Ego is strong with this one….

I now trust that it is all perfect: I can tell my stories with Love and Light. It is with the best of intentions that I share my Love and Compassion with the world and My Self. No doubt, my humanity will shine through. My perfect imperfections. I interpret this as my path – So Good!

My philosophical self-reflections from way back:

One man’s Crazy is another man’s Genius.

Truth that falls outside cultural norms is one of my favorite definitions of Crazy – does not fit into the box so to speak.

I have long learned for myself and now teach my kids, Evaluate the Evaluator. We do not necessarily have to connect to the various evaluations we receive. Our own judgment is paramount even though we know nothing. Presently, I feel connected to my highest version of myself so have come to trust my own judgment better than anyone else’s. In short: Discernment is the Key. The trick however is that if you have been looking through a dirty windshield all your life, you will not even realize that it is dirty. So beware. Stay curious. Be willing to question what you think you know… If everyone has a dirty windshield, others, including the experts, also may lack discernment. You do not know what you do not know. I like to clean my windshield. Possibly a lifelong task.

My perception of reality could be challenged. I am open to learn what I am fully capable of. “I don’t know how but I know that I can”. I have really connected to this quote from the artist Bill Gingles. I believe in Miracles…

One man’s Miracle is another Man’s Reality.

I have questioned over and over: What is Mental Illness? In my newfound vibrancy, I have been accused of being Crazy. A friend recounted a story to me that speaks to this same issue. She was eating lunch in a downtown Office Building Food Court. Out of the blue, a man approached a signpost in the public space. He entered into a deep squat and held it while tapping out a musical rhythm with his hands. My friend’s perception was, “Wow, what a Beautiful, Spontaneous Expression of Joy I am treated to in this moment”. She was thankful for this man. I will never know if she exaggerates or not but it was her perception that many individuals around her were quick to grab their cellphones to call Security. The spontaneous behavior of this man scared them. If he would do this random act, what other unexpected behavior is he capable of? As quickly as the man entered the scene, he exited. More than one comment was made out loud from the nearby patrons. One of them portrayed exasperation with the weirdos (or some other derogatory word) that inhabit these parts. By the time the Security officer arrived, the scene had ended. The perceptions of this same scene were polar opposites. When viewed with the Fear lens, a person could feel off-balance and not safe. When viewed with the Love lens, one could feel Grateful and experience the Joy of the moment. It was the same scene that played out for everyone. Food for thought.

I have worked as a Doctor. I have studied the DSM – Diagnostic Standards of Mental Illness. I actually reflected on these a lot. In our lectures, it was noted that how one is able to participate in life/activities of daily living could make the difference between illness or not ill. The same symptoms could be present but not indicate an illness if the individual was functioning well in the world. How do we define functioning well? Seems a huge possible continuum here. I have always been a person who has high times. When I am high, I think about the Diagnostic Criteria for Mania. I have experienced hypomania. I am not really sure if this is true for everyone. Another key component is that the state is experienced most of the time for more than 2 weeks running. I can still meet the criteria for Hypomania many times in my life. Was I functioning well? I thought so. Money has never run out. But I am good at attracting money into my life so it would take a long while for me to run out. Each of my kids was part of the plan. I am a healthy individual. Who will be the Judge? I recall Don Miguel Ruiz making the analogy in his book, “The Four Agreements” that if everyone has the same skin disease and then one individual gets cured of it. It will look like the cured individual is the one with the disease. When I am high, I have instinctively hidden away a bit. I do not always have someone to be high with. What if high is more of a cure from the duldrums of Societal Conformity??? I recall after having my first baby as one of those times. I hear so much about Post-Partum Depression. Well, for me, it was more like Post Partum Mania. Life was so good. I saw so much color in the world. I recall painting my house in cheery tones and needing an orange couch and a grand piano. The list could go on and on. I was alive now. Becoming a mother was truly a joyful experience for me. Is joy and being alive a disease. That would be one perception. Elise, my firstborn, was a great companion for me. My then husband was working 14 hour days and was pretty joyful connecting with his little daughter when time allowed. What more could a girl ask for? Friends were made who shared the joy of Motherhood – perfect!

I add in November 2014 – yes, I see how ridiculous I sound. We can talk ourselves into almost anything. I am no exception. I grappled with telling it like it was. Truth that was not happy truth got converted. Likely I still do that. Ever evolving.

I always observed the Psychotic patients with great interest within my training. So many stories, so little time. I cannot really think of one or two that would benefit this discussion. I mostly remember just not quite being sold on this whole thing. What was this thing called Mental Illness? It seemed there was a community system that would cultivate these Illnesses, for lack of a better word. When I saw the individuals all by themselves either in my office or in the hospital (when I was in training), they did not strike me as ill or abnormal. I believe it was a difficult challenge to see the solution for this individual in the vacuum – without considering the wider habitat. It was always a challenge to view the wider environment (early childhood, significant others, stressors of their lives, etc.). I had partially completed a book by Thomas More called Care of the Soul. He spoke of his long career as a counselor where he viewed many symptoms considered within the Psychiatric world as the Soul trying to get our attention. When we could decipher what the Soul was trying to tell us, maybe we could make the choices/changes that would enable us to feel better. Our community’s B.S. (Belief Systems) might play a role in preventing Living Authentically from our Heart and Soul (my own perspective). I would go so far as to say it plays a big role in Mental Illness. My Learned Opinion. And Learned is a two syllable word here. I learned that in the Law Courts. Lawyers talk about each other using the two syllable version of the word learned. Got a kick out of that, “My Learned Friend”. Community Belief Systems as a cause for Mental Illness. More Food for Thought. Because, as I have said so many times: I. Know. Nothing. …But I have noticed a few things.

Wrote this September 2012 – including the title. Ironic is an Understatement. Amended in November 2014. Removed a fair amount. See below.

July 2013

I was blown away reading this story a year after it was written. I had just been discharged from the Psychiatric Ward for the second time. Can you say Incarceration? As I wrote it I heard Cajun man, the old Adam Sandler character from Saturday Night Live, pronouncing it.

I stopped medication to ensure that it was actually still needed. And yes, it was. Thank you for asking! The story was written one month prior to receiving my very own DSM diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, with psychotic symptoms, during my first hospital admission at the end of October 2012. Mania with a big “M”. Amazing how I had been contemplating the Psychiatric system for so long only to discover it from this new viewpoint. Discovered that, despite my best intentions, I stigmatized Mental Illness myself: an Ugly Truth to my Heart. A Doctor is supposed to be Neutral, Caring and Compassionate. I thought I was … until I realized I wasn’t.

I grieved the label of Bipolar Disorder. Letting that go did not happen overnight, but it happened. I reconnected to ancient wisdom, a longtime hobby of mine. I forgot everything I ever learned about Bipolar Disorder and simply paid attention to my own experience: extremely liberating and uplifting. I felt so whole and complete, whether I took Lithium or not seemed a moot point to me. I felt awesome! I was awesome- awesomely Angèle. Who else could I be? I am the world’s leading expert in being Angèle.

Is Bipolar Disorder really any different from Diabetes or High Blood Pressure or Depression for that matter. I think not. I truly believe that each of them has a root cause that is energetic and different than what Medical Science now believes. Medical Science is curious…so it likely will figure it out eventually. Kind of like how tonsillectomy was reviewed with a different perception and then, viola, tonsillectomy is now a rare procedure. Who knew? Back in the 1950’s, a lot of tonsils were extracted. My own mom was admitted to hospital with a brother and a sister, the three at once. There was a monumental day in history when six of my family’s tonsils were collected in jars. Three tonsillectomies on the same day. They were running a special family rate. You know I jest.

I believe in Miracles…

Or is that just reality???

P.S. -I chose not to upgrade any of the ideas related to healing. I have elaborated in other stories. This story documents my early thoughts from two years ago.

If you have not read other stories published previously, I want to let you know that the Bill Gingles quote stating I don’t know how but I know that I can has since been upgraded:

I figure out how . I know that I can. …and it is easy.

P.S.S. – Ran into the neighbor (who feared for her kids) on the day of publishing this story. At a photography business, not in the neighborhood. Amazing coincidence! I experience a lot of those. I had not seen her outside of waving from our cars this past couple of years. I was treated to a beautiful warm exchange. My intuition read that our prior interaction at the chocolate party was water under the bridge. Peace. Yes!!!