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Ryan Block and his wife Veronica Belmont would like to cancel Comcast. Why? It’s none of our business. And it’s none of Comcast’s business. Or so you’d think. Comcast seems to disagree. Listen as the Comcast retention guy refuses to cancel their account without an explanation, going as far as to suggest that if Ryan doesn’t want to provide said explanation, he can go to a Comcast store to cancel.

We’ve transcribed just a few highlights below, but if you have headphones and a punching bag handy, you might want to listen to the recording. It’s the only way you’ll get the full effect.

C: My job is to have a conversation with you about keeping your service, about finding out why it is you’re looking to cancel your service. If you don’t want to talk to me, you can definitely go into the Comcast store and cancel your service there. …

…

R: Can you cancel us by phone? The answer is yes, correct?

C: It sounds like you don’t want to go over this information with me. If you want to go over that information, that’s the easiest way to get your account disconnected.

R: I am declining to state why we are leaving Comcast because I don’t owe you an explanation. So, if you can proceed to the next question. If you have to fill out a form, that’s fine. Please proceed to the next question an we’ll attempt to answer that if possible.

C: Being that we’re the number 1 provider of TV and internet service in the entire country, why is it you don’t want the number 1 provider? …

…

R: I’m declining to state. Can you please go to the next question so we can cancel our service?

C: I’m just trying to figure out here what it is about Comcast service that you’re not liking. …

R: This phone call is an amazing representative example of why I don’t want to stay with Comcast. So, can you please cancel our service?

C: I’m trying to help you. You’re not letting me help you by declining answers, by doing all this.

R: You can help me by disconnecting our service.

C: How is that helping you?

R: Because that’s what I want.

C: Why is that what you want?

R: Because that’s what I want.

C: There has to be some sort of reason behind it…. We just want to find out what it is that’s causing a customer who has been with us a long time to leave. …

…

You’ve been a Comcast customer for 9 years. After a decade … clearly the service is working great for you. … All of a sudden you’re moving and something is making you want to change. What’s making you do that?
….

R: That’s none of your business. Your business is to disconnect us.

C: As a company that is a cable and internet provider primarily, that is our business. If we don’t know why our customers are leaving, how can we make this a better experience for you next time?

R: That’s a fantastic question and something that you can hire a firm to figure out. … Can you disconnect us by phone? Can you disconnect our service? Yes or no?

C: Why don’t you want those services? You’re not interested in the fastest internet in the country?

…

R: Are you capable of disconnecting our service?

…

C: It’s something we can do. …

R: I would appreciate you now doing that. Please proceed in disconnecting our service. …

C: What is it about this other provider that’s making it sound better?

R: I don’t know. It’s a totally arbitrary decision.

…

C: Why don’t want a good service? You don’t want something that works?

R: Is this a joke? Are you punking us right now?

C: I’m trying to get information. I’m trying to help our company be better. That’s my job.

R: I can guarantee you right now, you’re doing an incredibly good job at helping your company be worse.

C: I’m terribly sorry it feels to you like I’m trying to argue. I’m just trying to help you out and get some information. We’ll just bypass all this information. I’ll go ahead and disconnect this service. It’s really a shame to see you go to something that can’t give you what we can … No one else can guarantee their speed like we can. … I can save you more than $100 a month, get you internet 5x faster than anyone else can … What about those savings, those services are you not wanting?

R: Are you done? You literally just a moment ago said you’d go ahead and disconnect our service and that’s what we’re going to need to do.

C: We’re going through that process. I’m just asking some questions. …

R: Can you tell me how much longer it’s going to take?

C: It’s going to take a couple more minutes here. What about the service is making you want to change?

R: I’m good. I’m just going to wait until you can confirm that you’ve canceled the service.

C: Well you’re all set. You know what, it’s disconnected. I’m really sorry to see you go to someone who can’t give you what we can. But I’d like to thank you for being a great part of Comcast. Have a wonderful day.

(Thanks to Mike!)

If any current or former Comcast employees have insight on this story, shoot us an e-mail at tips@consumerist.com with the subject line CLINGY COMCAST. We will never publish or share your name or contact information.

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