January 14, 2010

Diary of a Single Dad

I'll never forget when my friend Sarah sat me down many years ago to lecture me about my relationships with the opposite sex.

"Do you know how many girlfriends you'd have if you shut your mouth? You're smart, sexy, funny, caring and interesting. You read more than anyone I know and you've traveled all over the world. However, your constant need to entertain yourself is your Achilles' heel. You've got to learn to shut up. Also, it would help if you didn't have such an obvious indifference to whether people liked you or not. Idiot!"

At first, I was shocked by her honesty but then I slowly realized that her points were completely valid. I did need to work on how I related to other people.

That lasted about two days.

Look, I know I can sometimes come off as a sarcastic prick who tends to use humor as a defense mechanism and frequently finds himself lapsing under the Mendoza line into the bush leagues of unintentional rudeness. At the same time, I think I may have some form of Tourette's that has removed the filters between my brain and my mouth.

But it's not that I don't like people. It's just that certain events have made me poignantly aware of how short life is and that I shouldn't waste time with shallow idiots who make the Jonas brothers sound like Truman's counsel of Wise Men.

Is it so wrong that I'd rather be alone than spend time with humorless people lacking in intellect, emotion, empathy or character?

I was thinking about this recently when it suddenly struck me that empirically I am a 41-year-old single father with a 5-year-old daughter.

Holy crap!

I'm an old dude with a kid and a weird sense of humor.

Ok, maybe I'm not old but I'm definitely ringing the buzzer on middle age.

Part of the problem is that in my mind I'm a much younger man. Unfortunately, I'm not. This, in and of itself, wouldn't be a big deal if not for the fact that I would like to get married again and possibly have more kids.

And since there's no way that I'm going to date outside my own age range, I'm thinking that I might have to start displaying a little more maturity than I did in my younger years.

Recent conversations with women are convincing me that this may be much harder than I realized and there remains a fairly decent chance that I will die alone.

Conversation No. 1

Woman: "Do you like to read books?

Me: "Immensely. Why? Are you reading anything interesting these days?"

Woman: "Yes! I just finished Twilight. I loved it!"

Me: "Me too! Didn't you like totally cry when Dumbledore died at the end?"

Postmortem analysis:
"At the time, I just thought
it was funny. However, friends tell me I was being glib and dismissive. Does it really matter?
Could I ever be with a woman who was so obsessed with flossing that she
did it publicly after every single meal? I think not."

Conversation No. 3

Me: "Actually, I always thought WWJD meant 'what would Jesus drive?'"

Woman: "Cute. Well, what kind of car do you think Jesus would drive?"

Me: "I don't think Jesus drives. He just rides in the back of a giant Escalade."

Woman: "Why an Escalade?"

Me: "Because everyone says Jesus is their homeboy and all the homeboys I know drive Escalades."

Woman: "Don't you think Jesus would be more environmentally conscious?"

Me: "When you roll with a large entourage, higher emission standards are generally subordinate to the need for third-row seating."

Woman: "Jesus rolls with an entourage?"

Me: "Yeah, those 12 guys following him who keep asking him to turn water into wine."

Woman: "You're not a religious or spiritual man, are you?"

Postmortem analysis: "I know. It's hard to believe I'm 41, isn't it?"

It's interesting being single at the age of 41.

When I was younger, I dated vastly different kinds of women because I wanted to expose myself to a diaspora of individual personalities. Now that I'm older, I tend to find myself far more selective. Or maybe the proper word is discerning.

Nick Hornby once said that it was no good pretending any relationship has a future if your
record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films
wouldn't even speak to each other if they met at a party.

A small part of me tends to agree with this sentiment. Especially at my age, the idea of being in a relationship with someone who shares my interests and similar perspective on life is warmly comforting. I tend to be very passionate about the things I love so there's a large part of me that wants to be with a woman whom when I read a great book, hear an amazing song, watch a deeply moving film or discover a new restaurant, I can run up to her excitedly and yell, "Look what I found! This is US!"

On the other hand, doesn't every couple start off by talking about all the things they have in common? And if the relationship doesn't last, don't you just end up thinking about all the ways you were so different? More importantly, isn't life much more interesting being with someone who not only has different interests but also brings a different perspective to life?

Does anyone have the answers to these questions?

When it comes
to the subject of compatibility, I confess to being as confused as I have ever been. We get together with
people because they're the same or because they're different, and in
the end we break up with them for exactly the same reasons.

Now granted, there are many other aspects besides compatibility that are important to any healthy relationship. However, when you're single and thinking about whom you'd like to date, compatibility tends to take on a heavier weight.

Honestly, I don't know what the future brings for
me and I'll confess that there are times when this uncertainty makes me a tad nervous. I've always been fairly good at meeting women. At the same time, I've always been fairly good at being alone.

Maybe a little too good.

While I am an avowed romantic who firmly believes that no man is an island, I also find myself thinking more and more at this age that perhaps the ideal goal of a relationship between two people isn't a merging of two individuals. On the contrary, maybe the healthiest long-term relationships accept that, even between the closest people, infinite distances exist and the key to happiness is to not only wholly love someone but also to be comfortable with the great expanse that inherently lies between you.

Then again, as another female friend tells me, maybe I just think too damn much.

oh my god!
You are like an older me...
Well, considering you were on this planet first, the more apt sentence would be, 'I am an younger version of you"

Its good to remain indifferent about certain things. And its always preferable to spend time with a book...actually that's not true. But it is preferable to spend time with a woman who read Hitchhiker's guide than Harry Potter..

Tell your friends to leave you alone. Your conversations are brilliant! They weed out all of the women you wouldn't want to date anyway and when you find one that can match you with the conversation, it will be total confirmation that she's a keeper.

Wow reading some of these comments makes one twice a lot (or way too much) about relationship. First of all, what IS chemistry (I'm sure everyone has their own definition of chemistry) and secondly, as a young 25yo lady who's in a relationship, what made some of you 'grew apart' in your relationship which eventually led to a divorce? How do you know that it's done? Because it doesn't feel the same way anymore?

Anyway, I really like every single piece of your writing MD. Here's my two cents: Differences are inevitable, you will never ever find that perfect someone because everyone has flaws and there is no way you can find someone who shares the exact same interest as you. My partner and I share certain things in common but we also have hell lot of other things that we don't share. We've gone through really rough patches because of it but we're still together (fingers crossed). Like they say, it takes two to tango.

You should just straight up let your single lady readers in the NYC metro area ask you out on dates. (I'm not one of them but clearly some of them are champing at the bit.) Think of how far ahead you'd be! They already know and like you and your sense of humor. Sigh. The smorgasbord that is available to dudes of any age and with any romantic background, compared to what's out there for comparably awesome women. It's a fact of life, but it's not fair.

165 comments? Wow. Impressive. Well, I'll weigh in anyway. People who are close to me never thought I'd ever I'd ever date anybody let alone get married. I didn't even think so. I'm sarcastic, I've got a dry sense of humor, and I'm something of a recluse. But, like you, it's not because I don't like people; I do. It's just that, for whatever reason, I have a hard time connecting, and I'm easily misunderstood. I have learned in my own experiences that perhaps you don't need to change at all. Simply become aware of who's aware of you and then act on it. Maybe that's changing, maybe not. Life really is about accepting whoever your with regardless of the divide. Who knows. I'm no expert -- I just enjoyed the writing.

You know, my favorite song is "18 til I Die" by Bryan Adams. I am going to be 46 and lucky for me, even if my body can't keep up, my heart will always be in the right frame of mind.
I don't know how I would feel to be single again and dating at any age, frankly. It must be scary to like being alone, and at the same time need/want someone to share stuff with.
Sigh. It's all good. You seem like a great guy and the pieces will fall into place for you, I'm sure. Until then, keep enlightening those of us who love your stuff. You are absolutely positively refreshing and your personality shines through...We all 'see' it, here...

OMG, if I were single I'd be all over you like white on rice! The Twilight joke alone made me consider throwing my husband over (for a nanosecond). Of course, I had a dating life similar to a convent initiate's for most of my adult life, mostly because - wait for it - I am very sarcastic and guess what? Guys don't dig that. HOWEVER, one did, eventually. Don't even try to lose your sense of humor. I tried to stuff it for awhile, had much more luck socially but realized the guys I was attracting a) didn't know the real me, and b) weren't much fun in the long run. Be up front about it and eventually it will strike a chord.

What's wrong with thinking too much? I can't imagine being any other way.

Couples have to accept that they are two individuals that come together a hell of a lot. (Sorry, that was cheap...)

Enough of this whole 'becoming one unit' shit, it's the reason most relationships fail. It's a romantic ideal that isn't even that romantic, to me anyway). In my books, anyone worth knowing IS an island that lets in visitors. Hopefully you are lucky enough to find a visitor who will visit often, even all the time, but leave you to yourself whenever needs be. And vice versa.

Here's a solution to your dilemma...just marry a book. A book will never tell you to shut up. A book won't care if you throw it around, bend the corners of it's pages, or sit your coffee cup on it. A book could care less if you're an abnoxious prick or not. While it won't laugh at your extremely bizzar sense of humor...when you tire of it, you can just chuck it in the donation bin at the library and move on. (Without the cost of an attorney or alamony!)

Here's the deal: Anyone unwilling to adapt to the needs of another should not be married (or in whatever brand-name of long term relationship you want to have). It will not work. It cannot work. Like you said, don't waste time.

I think we're taught that independence is the ultimate goal -- and that's incorrect. Independence is the beginning of maturity. Doing something together, greater than a solo act, is the real goal.

If your parents hadn't achieved that (or at least tried) you wouldn't be here. :)

I think my view of marriage is just well you should have certain ground similarities whilst you are different in character and attituede. For instance you love watching the same movies but your reaction while watching the movies is different.

As a married woman, what make a relationship works is not the similarities or the differences itself but how you manage to walk together despite everything.

You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.

Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.

Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

It may sound overly simplistic, but as a self-proclaimed serial monogomist, I've found that the key to a successful relationship is respect. This is especially true for people like you and me. And by that, I mean people who to tend to over-think every issue that pops into our already over-active brains. We love to analyze, evaluate, poke and prod. And with those type of exhaustive thinking habits, its important that your partner is someone you not only love, but admire. Whether you're admiring their intellect, their values, their taste in books/music, etc., it'll affect how to treat them, talk to them, respresent them.

So if you really can't stand that she reads adolescent, paramornal romance novels or you get too grossed out by her indecent public displays of good hygiene, chalk those things up as deal-breakers and don't waste another second feeling bad about it. We are who we are, and if we chose to be sarcastic, quick-witted, book snobs, who's gonna tell us we're wrong? RIGHT!?!?!? You just gotta find someone who dances to your tune. You know... that weird one that plays in your head and tells you make mean, sarcastic comments to pretty ladies... yeah, that one...

Hi, I am writing to answer one of your blogs. I mean, in it, you DID ask what people out there thought, so I am giving you my thoughts.

I'm a 41-year-old single mom (well, soon to be 41, next week) from the backwoods of Tennessee, and I currently live in the backwoods of Virginia. But wait- don't delete this, thinking, "What on earth could a hick like that have to say to me that is valid?" At least first let me tell you how I first found your blog- quite by accident, although it turned out to be a happy accident.

I had told my daughter that I wanted (for my upcoming birthday) one of those shirts that says "Annoying the world ... one person at a time." (which totally applies to me, although some of the guys at work tell me that they've seen me annoy whole groups at a time. What can I say? It's a gift!) Anyway, my daughter (currently 17) told me, "Send me a link, and I'll get the shirt for you." So I was looking up the shirt in order to send her a link. When I typed in "shirt annoying the world one person at a time," I found in the list of links, something about "changing the world one dangling participle at a time." I was immediately intrigued, since I am one of perhaps three or four people in my acquaintance who actually realize that the term "dangling participle" does not have anything to do with one's fly being open. (That wasn’t original; I got it from the movie Oscar.)

So I clicked on it, and read it, and was immediately charmed. It was hilarious. It was interesting. It was well-written. And when I got to the end and saw the new sign that the store had erected, I was like, "Right on!" I immediately sent the link to my best friend, who I knew would appreciate it.

That's why I say it was a happy accident to find your blog, because I totally feel your pain about the grammar thing, and the spelling! Gosh! I don't know if they are as bad up in New York as they are around here, but God help!

But that's the thing ... it seems to be a universal problem these days. I was at the Washington National Opera in D.C., and in the supertitles they had used "your" when it should have been "you're." I mean, come on! This is the Washington National Opera! This is the opera that foreign dignitaries, etc., will attend if they are visiting our country. And I am sure that foreigners who learn our language as a second language learn it correctly. The foreigners will catch the mistake, and then what kind of impression will they have of our country? It just made me cringe! I complained about it for days.

Anyway, that blog made me interested to read others that you have written, and I am not actually answering the grammar one; I am answering the January 2010 one about being a single dad. Because in some ways I think I relate even more to that one than to the grammar one. Because I totally understand about being single, being lonely, getting older, and yet still being picky.

So I had some stuff I wanted to say about that.

First off, your friend Sarah was right, in the sense that you do have a lot to offer. Just by reading your blog, I can see that you are NOT one of those shallow idiots who think the Jonas Brothers are Truman's Counsel of Wise Men. (That was funny!) No, it is NOT wrong that someone like you would rather be alone than to spend time with "humorless people lacking in intellect, emotion, empathy, or character." You need to be with someone you can not only love, but also respect.

If music or movies are at all important to you, then yes, Nick Hornby is right. Your record collections (in my opinion) should agree, at least mostly, (because someone EXACTLY like you would be boring), but there should be some differences, because you want someone who will stretch you a little. For example, my ex-husband George and I, by and large, had very similar tastes in music, but he also introduced me to classical and jazz, while I got him interested in rap and hip hop. Now, my boyfriend Joe and I have almost exactly the same tastes in music, but i find that he is unfamiliar with classical, and still skips over Mozart when we are listening to my mp3 player together. And so, the other day, I made him sit through “The Moonlight Sonata.” And he is trying to stretch my tastes to include disco. I think of musical tastes like this, although this mental picture can be applied to tastes in movies, restaurants, etc.): I picture my own tastes in music to be a circle, and his tastes in music to be another circle. Now, there should be a place where those two circles overlap (not unlike the rings on the Olympics logo) to create a football-shaped space. If the overlap football is large, you've got a winner, at least as far a music is concerned. And if the football is large in several areas, such as taste in literature or movies, then you have at least found a new friend, perhaps even with the potential of being Miss Right. But you're exactly right. When you do find a new movie or song, etc., that you love, you want to be able to go to the other person and say, "Look what I found!"

But even then, you still have to be picky. And sometimes I think that even the compatibility is not really the main thing. I think perhaps we (as lonely people seeking mates) look for that because, as you say, it is comforting, but I think it may not be where our focus should be. And I know you know all this already, but I just feel the need to express myself about it. When I was dating George, before we were married, (although admittedly, I was young, and what did I know?) I wanted someone who liked all the same things I did. And I found that in George. What I didn't think about was how he would handle conflict, and how difficult it would be to live with him, and how oppressive his rampant insecurity's demands were. If I had focused more on that, I think I would have saved myself years of pain, and perhaps saved my daughter the pain of having her parents divorce during her teenage years.

But now that I am older, and now that I have been through all that, I find I have learned a few things. I find myself wiser in choosing a partner. I remember before I met Joe, that I would go to my guy friends at work, and complain to them about how lonely I was, and why did a guy ASK for my number if he wasn't going to call? And then I would tell them that when the guy DID finally call, that I found that he was totally not the one for me. And I would stop it before it even started. And they (my guy friends) said to me that I was too picky, that I should give it a chance. But when you get to be our age, you HAVE to be picky. Like you said, life is too short to mess around. And if you want to get married, and find a mother figure for your daughter, and also find happiness for yourself in the bargain, then you need to be picky. It's all that much more important that you be picky. (Especially with a young daughter to raise. I mean, if you got married, and then something happened to you, bear in mind that this person would be raising your child. Think Cinderella.) As for myself, I made a mistake choosing a husband the first time around, and I don't want to make that mistake again. If I get married again, I want it to be forever. I don’t want to go through another divorce. And, too, just like you, I do not want to die alone.

So when you say that people start dating someone because they're similar, and then break up with them for the same reasons, well, I don't really think that is the reason. I think we tend to blame it on that, when really it is one of those other, deeper issues, such as how they handle conflict or how they handle their own insecurities. I think it's entirely possible to love someone and to create a successful relationship with someone, with whom you have little in common. But I agree with you that the commonalities do make a relationship more comforting. And in the end, isn't comfort and security one of the things we are all seeking in a relationship?

"While I am an avowed romantic who firmly believes that no man is an island, I also find myself thinking more and more at this age that perhaps the ideal goal of a relationship between two people isn't a merging of two individuals. On the contrary, maybe the healthiest long-term relationships accept that, even between the closest people, infinite distances exist and the key to happiness is to not only wholly love someone but also to be comfortable with the great expanse that inherently lies between you."

I agree with this statement, and echo it here only to add: Those inherent differences are part of that other person's mystique, part of the thing that makes us keep wanting to be around them, keep wanting to plumb the depths of their personality and personhood. They (the things we don't yet know about that person) are like new discoveries waiting to happen. I know that in my own admittedly short-lived (6 months) relationship with Joe, I find myself constantly wanting to be with him, to find out new things about him, to drink in his essence. When I am with him, I feel so secure, and so ecstatic at the same time. As Jane Eyre said about Mr. Rochester,

"To be together is for us to be at once as free as in solitude, as gay as in
company. We talk, I believe, all day long: to talk to each other is but a
more animated and an audible thinking. All my confidence is bestowed on him
all his confidence is devoted to me; we are precisely suited in character-
perfect concord is the result."

When I am not able to be with Joe, I am afraid I am going to miss something.

Your other female friend is wrong: you DON'T think too much. On the contrary, it is refreshing to find that there ARE still thinking people out there. In a world of such widespread shallowness, it is actually a relief! I was briefly interested in a guy who, in the end, told me I thought too much. That statement right there only served to illuminate his own lack of depth. (Needless to say, I lost interest.) I told him that if he was looking for a shallow bimbo, that was fine, because there are plenty of those out there. But I am not one of them, so quit looking for that in me. And then I told him what I also tell you: there is no such thing as thinking too much.

You're older, like me. You're obviously a thinking man. The right woman is out there for you, and she will be the right one for Peanut as well. Just don't SETTLE. You've got too much to offer to waste yourself on someone who won't appreciate it. And if you do waste yourself on that someone, you'll spend every day regretting it until it finally ends in disaster. Or until you die unhappily, whichever comes first. Even though you're older, but again, BECAUSE you're older, don't waste time with women who read Twilight or floss in public (eeew!). Be picky. Find the right one. The one who has several large footballs of commonality with you, the one who will appreciate your sarcastic wit, and who will be someone with whom you can completely get along. The one with whom you can spend the rest of your life being comfortable and secure, and at the same time, drinking in the essence of each other's mystique. But in the meantime, continue to be happy being alone, as that seems to also be a gift of yours.

On a side note, there was one other thing I wanted to address:

Adults who read children's books: Although I am currently reading an older sci-fi series by Orson Scott Card (this is to let you know that I do not exclusively read kid's books), I do think there is some validity in adults reading children's books. Perhaps I am prejudiced, since I write for children myself, but there are a lot of good messages for adults in some of the children's books that are out there. Take The Chronicles of Narnia, for example, or The Lord of the Rings. Those books were written for ten-year-olds, and yet they address issues with which any adult struggles. Even Dr. Suess's The Butter Battle Book, amazed Joe when I read it to him to demonstrate that it addressed the subject of the Cold War and weapons stockpiling. Now, that being said, in my defense of children's books, still, I have to say that I was taken under duress to see the movie Twilight, and I found it utterly plotless with unbelievable, boring characters with no personality or motivation whatsoever. There was nothing redeeming at all in that movie. I am amazed that it ever even got published, much less actually made any money. And although i have never read nor seen anything involving Harry Potter, I did vaguely recognize your Dumbledore reference as being from there ... I think. I'm just trying to say that, while yes, some children's books are vapid (a word synonymous with Twilight), some of them do have valid points to make for adults.

Frankly, I like that the fact that you're irreverent and funny as hell. Nothing wrong with that -- you just need to find someone on your wavelength who can roll with you day in, day out :-) Hang in there!

I can see why you do not want to keep talking to people like that. They are self involved. They really did not care about what you had to say. You will only get along with a few people who are not idiots. It is ok with me to be alone. I enjoy it.

I wish that I could be as open with my thoughts as you are with yours. I have all of this stuff in my head and I can not seem to let it out the way I want to. I really like to read yours. Maybe, it will help me.

I am 40 single gay man experience the same things. Just that the number of gay men is smaller and much fewer want children. To burden it the US laws are hedonistic almost no progress to social balancing for a gay person. Otherwise I share the same ups and downs at 40. Just the sex differs! (:^)

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i am 26 y/o man i am looking for sex with couple of man and woman in all part of world i love oral and anal sex and love to licking woman pussy juice and fu8cking woman when her husband watching us in sex, even if you need another partner in your life for sex to marry you i am ready to be your partner if you are interested please contact directly to mahabad.kurdistan@ gmail.com .

I am admittedly very upset right now over a heated conversation that just took place, and I don't know where else to release that steam. I’m sure I’ll step on some toes in the process. I usually do. Frankly, I don’t care this time. Dads need to stop leaving their kids, and I’m tired of men not being the ones to say it. I’m tired of the world tip-toeing around these guys’ feelings. I’m really tired of society acting like such behavior is now “normal” or “expected”. I’m tired of the media making light of it. I'm tired of the emails and comments from endless mothers who've been thrown under the bus. More than anything, I’m tired of dads not taking their responsibilities and duties seriously.

Hey, nice info! Anyway, I'm admittedly very upset right now over a heated conversation that just took place, and I don't know where else to release that steam. I’m sure I’ll step on some toes in the process. I usually do. Frankly, I don’t care this time. Dads need to stop leaving their kids, and I’m tired of men not being the ones to say it. I’m tired of the world tip-toeing around these guys’ feelings. I’m really tired of society acting like such behavior is now “normal” or “expected”. I’m tired of the media making light of it. I'm tired of the emails and comments from endless mothers who've been thrown under the bus. More than anything, I’m tired of dads not taking their responsibilities and duties seriously.

Ie28099m just dropping by to say that I very much liked sneeig this post, ite28099s very clear and well written. Are you considering posting more about this? It appears like there is more fodder here for more posts.

I have no way of stopping you onierdrg an additional unit!In the last sale, two people were lucky and managed to get two units each as I released in two segments a couple of minutes apart in an effort to mitigate against Paypal overselling the inventory. In addition, I suspect one person had his other half also purchasing on his behalf next to him on the sofa at the same time with her Paypal account, and so the household managed to land two units!Howard