29 Days to Great Sex Day 1: The Act of Marriage

It’s here! The 29 Days to Great Sex!

Every day in the month of February I’m going to post a new tip–some long, and some short–about how to make sex stupendous in your marriage. Whether you just need a few extra tips, or whether you’re really struggling in this area, this month is going to have lots of practical advice and inspiration and encouragement for you. Each day will have a little exercise you can do to make your sex life wonderful–or to just get you going in the right direction.

For today, let’s start with the very basics: what is sex really about?

Back in the 1980s, Tim Lahaye wrote a book called “The Act of Marriage”, which talked all about how to make sex great. (I guess back then that was as close to the word “sex” as you could get in a title for a Christian book!) But I think the phrase “the act of marriage” is an important one, because it does illustrate something significant: Sex is the acting out of everything that marriage is.We become vulnerable with one another. We become naked with one another completely–and that means real intimacy, not just physical intimacy. We cherish each other. We protect each other. But we also have a ton of fun with each other!

Think about it: in marriage, we are fully committed to one another for life. We love each other and we cherish each other. We laugh together and we cry together. And in sex, we also do all of those things and express all of those things, because sex is uniquely created to do that.

God made sex to feel great, but He also made it to be a deeply intimate experience.

Do you remember when you were a little kid in church and you heard the preacher read the verses in the KJV, “And Adam knew his wife Eve, and they conceived a son…”? Chances are you giggled and elbowed your friends, because we all thought the Bible translators were just trying to be polite. But they weren’t. The Hebrew word used for sex there literally is the word “to know”. And it’s the same word that David uses of God when he says, “Search me and know me…” All of us were born with a deep hunger for spiritual connection, whether we pursue that in God or not. But God uses the same word to describe the way we join together with our spouse. It’s deeply intimate.

So sex is great on many levels: spiritual, emotional, and physical.

But while sex is supposed to be great, what if that’s not what you’re experiencing?

I read this quotation on Twitter recently (and if someone can give me the original source, I’d be so grateful):

Satan’s big marriage strategy: get people to have sex before they’re married. Then get them to stop once they’re married!

In other words, so many of us are having sex before we’re committed for life. The problem with that is that it makes sex all about the physical, and not about the spiritual or emotional connection. And then, because sex has come to mean mostly pleasure, it can lose its ability to really cement us together in other ways.

That’s problem one. Problem two is that when we do finally get married and commit to someone, we almost stop having sex. Or at least we have it rather infrequently. In surveys I took for my book, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I found that 40% of couples made love less than once a week. We’re just not connecting that often.

The “act of marriage”, that act that can be so wonderful, and so fun, and so significant, often isn’t even happening.

Or maybe for you it is happening, but it just doesn’t feel that great. You can’t figure out what all the fuss is about, and you’re worried that it was created for everyone but you. Or you’re haunted by your past–maybe stuff that you did breathlessly in the backseat of a car, or something that was done to you by an uncle, or a baby-sitter, or a date. Or maybe your husband just seems absent when you make love–like he’s thinking of anything but you.

And that intimacy just isn’t there.

This month we’re going to walk through these issues and uncover ways to find the true freedom that sex is supposed to be! Because sex is supposed to be great:

Physically: we’re supposed to feel wonderful together.

Emotionally: We’re supposed to be able to laugh, have fun, and have a deep friendship.

Spiritually: We’re supposed to feel deeply intimate and like one.

We’re going to start unpacking how we can increase the connection and the laughter during sex for the first week or so, and then we’re going to look at specific strategies to make the physical side of sex feel amazing.

So here’s your first Great Sex Challenge:

Rate your sex life on each of those three areas: the physical, the emotional, and the spiritual. And, if your husband’s up for it, ask him to do the same. And, if you’re up to it, say this as a prayer, or just journal it if you’re not religious:

I believe that sex was created to feel great physically, and that I am supposed to have a sex drive, and supposed to feel aroused, even if I don’t feel that way right now.

I believe that sex was created to make me feel loved.

I believe that sex was created to make me feel like one with my husband.

Now actually picture what a great sex life in each of those areas would look like. Picture yourself enjoying each of those three areas. You don’t have to understand how you’re going to get there yet. That will come! The important thing is that you see that this was the way it was meant to be–and it was meant to be that way for you, specifically, too. Whether you have major hangups, or lots of hurts, or fears or doubts; or whether things are just mediocre; or whether your marriage has scars; sex is supposed to be a big positive in your life and in your marriage. That is God’s plan for you. See it. Picture it. Believe it! If we can all start having a very positive and excited attitude about sex, sex would likely improve astronomically already. And now, over the next month, we’ll look practically at how we’re going to make it a reality–by ramping up the physical fireworks, the emotional connection, and spiritual intimacy!

New! This 29 Days to Great Sex series has been turned into an ebook, the 31 Days to Great Sex (only $4.99!)

Comments

I am so looking forward to this series. My husband and I just realized that we only had sex once in the whole month of January! And we don’t even have kids to blame! 🙂 Hoping this will help me catch a spark in my desire and find some ways to work around his crazy work schedule.

I’m really looking forward to this series. My husband and I have a great sex life, but I’m always looking for ways to make it better. Thank you for being an encouragement to women in this area. Sex is everywhere except where it should be. You are helping to bring it back to the marriage bed (or couch or shower or … ). Smiles.

Sheila I am super excited to start this. In a month where we focus on romantic love, we need to focus on the love that carries us through. I love the breakdown you take – spiritual, emotional and physical. I always thought of it just as physical. I’m praying that God takes away my misconceptions and gives me a new perspective during this study.

You are so insightful in understanding that sex is meant to do so much more than beget the next generation. It is the act that cements the marriage as it physically expresses the spiritual health of the marriage. It is truly from God, which is why Satan works so hard to pervert it and make it something merely physical and self serving.Christie Martin recently posted…Wifey Wednesday: Jerk Training

I’m so glad you are writing this, Sheila, and I cannot wait for your book. A couple of weeks ago I dealt with sex as I was teaching my ladies Sunday School class … husbands thanked me!! And I wrote about sex on my blog (I linked up!) and had a man leave a comment that said “Thanks” and others I know personally express their gratitude.

We need to talk about this … not to heap guilt but to bring encouragement. We need to offer women the truth about how important a vibrant sex life is to a Christ-centered marriage!!

You’re so welcome, Teri Lynne! And it’s great to see an internet friend visiting! Thanks for your support. I don’t know why churches are so scared to talk about it. Part of it may be just shyness, but I sometimes wonder if the other is just a fear of alienating those who aren’t married. And yet if we don’t talk about it in church, where do people go?

Great Post! I have that Act of Marriage book still on my shelf among the stacks that came later. This is a beautiful intro to what should be a wonderful month!Gina Parris recently posted…6 Reasons Why the Devil Wants Your Sex Drive

Thank you for this. We’ve been married almost 15 years and admittedly, I’ve never had a strong sexual desire. But this is making me rethink my foundations and I pray a spark is produced that will bring intimacy back to our marriage in more ways than one.

I really loved this article. Perfect timing and everything! I normally don’t read this blog, I think I stumbled across through The Generous Wife, but I will definitely be tuning in for this series.

Also: “The Hebrew word used for sex there literally is the word “to know”. And it’s the same word that David uses of God when he says, “Search me and know me…” ” Very interesting! I had no idea! I love to learn new Bible facts. That’s probably nerdy, but I’m a nerd, so it’s ok 😉

I just came across this a few days ago, but I love this idea. Even if February is over, I’m thinking about doing this with my husband in the month of March, even if there are 31 days in the month! Thank you for writing this! So many Christian women out there need to hear this message!Hannah Williams recently posted…Heart of the Matter

I really need these lessons. I just found the blog, but will go through it one day at a time still. I need some healing and a new, Biblical way of thinking about sex. It’s exactly what I’ve been praying to hear. I really have not been taught any of this and had no clue where to start the process of “fixing” things. Thank you…
(And, I read that quote in Dr. Eggerichs’ book, Love & Respect. His says it more like “Satan’s goal is to get you into bed before marriage and to keep out of bed after marriage.” I don’t know if it is his originally.)

I just found this blog, and love out by the way, and my husband and i are discussing this challenge and when trying to communicate where we want to be its hard i can picture it but i am finding it hard to communicate in words what it means any suggestions?

The website To Love Honor And Vacuum has a list of 29 things you can do to experience great sex! And yes, it’s another Christian blog!! You see, just because you are a Christian does not mean you have to be a prude or think sex is wrong or sinful! Have some fun in the bedroom! That is what God created sex for! FUN!! Here is the link to the list: 29 Days To Great Sex.Tulisa recently posted…Melt Your Man’s Heart Review – Will It Work For You?

Sheila, I don’t mean to sound offensive – but this article got me in the mood lol. You do a great job here. Although, I’ve just found your blog today, I think I’m gonna stick around and start on this series. Lucky me, they’re all laid out right here 🙂

I just came across this a few days ago, but I love this idea. Even if February is over, I’m thinking about doing this with my husband in the month of March, even if there are 31 days in the month! Thank you for writing this! So many Christian women out there need to hear this message!Tulisa recently posted…Does Pregnancy Miracle Work? My Detailed Review

Not sure if anyone has posted this yet, but the quote, “Satan’s big marriage strategy: get people to have sex before they’re married. Then get them to stop once they’re married!” is in the book “Love and Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs. My husband just read this to me the other night. Hope this helps. 🙂

I’m about two yrs too late for this challenge but I think im gonna try it. I’m in a self focused mood right now because of our marriage so it will be a little hard to start. I really have a good man. No ones perfect n I’m even less perfect than him. So here goes…

I just found this blog! A pastor told us about the book “Act of Marriage” so I went to pinterest and found the 29 days to great sex.
After 22 years of marriage….. I read day one and so many comments hit home to me and I see change a coming.

I have so enjoyed, learned, and grown from all your writings and from you audience comments. I have a question for you to possible post.

I am scheduled for a complete hystrectamy next week. Part of my recovery is that I can have no intercourse for 8 weeks! I am so lucky that my husband is one with very high sex drive. This 8 weeks is going to be a huge challenge. I am making a box called “While You Wait”. Inside I plan to have 8 separate boxes. One for each week as I recover and feel better each week. Inside those boxes will be ideas of things (sexual ” but no intercourse”) that we can do together. So I am looking for creative and bibical ideas?

Thank you for your advice. I recently ordered your book and am looking forward to reading and applying it in our marriage.
I realize that it is me that is not fully engaged in the 3 areas but, my Husband is awesome and really wants to be! Thank you again for this blog! God is so Good!

I’m afraid I can’t really answer that! I write a marriage blog, and I firmly believe in the sanctity of marriage and the importance of marriage and the unique role of sex within that marriage. I know that people who don’t share that worldview read the blog and benefit from it, and that’s wonderful, but that is where I’m coming from.

There’s also so much research showing that sex is substantially different when there is a marriage commitment involved. It becomes far more intimate and about a real spiritual intimacy, because you’ve vowed to be one. I guess you’d just have to discuss together whether you really have vowed to be together forever?

I’m afraid that doesn’t help much, but anyone, no matter their views, is always more than welcome on the blog and more than welcome to read it and comment!

I know you are going to find this hard to believe (based on what you said above about your beliefs on marriage) but I am 100% sure that this is a mutual commitment forever, that has never been in doubt. Neither of us think (probably because we are not religious) that we need to get married in order to confirm this commitment to each other (we have talked about that a lot actually). I guess we will have to just agree to disagree on that one 🙂

When reading your blog I feel that I can relate to a lot of it. Obviously the religious stuff is not particularly relevant, but even the stuff about marriage feels relevant in as much as it relates to our long term mutual commitment to each other. Perhaps that is why your blog is the first one I have read that seems to tick every box as to why I want to make things better (I am the “husband” by the way).

Anyway, do you think it is best to introduce this series to my partner and work through it together?

Thanks for providing such a great resource, and I hope you have a fantastic Christmas with your family.

Hi Sheila, I love this and am excited to get started. I’m just battling bitterness honestly. My husbands job is draining us, he loves his job and I fully support him. But it is such a low paying job that I’m sure stress is a huge cause of the lack of sex. How do I work on that? He loves his job and I’m am so very very proud of him. Not everyone could do it. But I’m holding bitterness against the job as it just seems to suck everything out of him. We have three young kids, no family in the area and no funds to even pay a babysitter so we can date. Sigh I’m just lost as how to work on this and how I can help my husband and I in this tough area
Thank you!!!

That’s so tough! It sounds like what you need to do is reconnect as friends and lovers first, and then try to tackle those problems. Sometimes talking about where you’re going as a family, and trying to set goals, can help. I have a post with printables that may help you do just that!

YES! Thank you! I much! That is exactly what I needed! I’ll be doing that first!
Last night we had a pretty heavy discussion that rubbed some raw nerves. I had left the room mad and looked up “why my husband doesn’t fix anything” and God led me to your blog, after that I prayed went back to bed and left the anger and hurt at Jesus’s feet. I put my pride aside and decided to love my husband regardless of how I feel. I can honestly say that was some Of the best sex I’ve had ? and he woke up tested and less stressed. So I thank you for being obedient to Gods calling in your life and helping us in ours ☺️ Very grateful! Long way to go but I’m ready to work and learn! Pray my husband is too!!!

Comment Policy:Please stay positive with your comments. If your comment is rude, it gets deleted. Any comment that espouses an anti-marriage philosophy (eg. porn, adultery, abuse and the like) will be deleted. If it is critical, please make it constructive. If you are replying to another commenter, please be polite and don't assume you know everything about his or her situation. If you are constantly negative or a general troll, you will get banned. The definition of terms is left solely up to us. Sheila Wray Gregoire owns the copyright to all comments and may publish them in whatever form she sees fit. She agrees to keep any publication of comments anonymous, even if you are not anonymous on this board.

[…] 29 Days To Great Sex – Day One – Another excellent series that is sure to cover all the issues surrounding this vital part of a healthy marriage. Follow this blog to read all 29 posts. She’s on day three! Like This? Share it:EmailPrintMoreDiggLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. This entry was posted in Blog Love, Christian Marriage, Growing Strong Marriages, Happy Hour, Intimacy and tagged Christian, God, Holy, marriage, relationship, Sexual intimacy. Bookmark the permalink. ← Love Does Not Envy […]

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[…] The website To Love Honor And Vacuum has a list of 29 things you can do to experience great sex! And yes, it’s another Christian blog!! You see, just because you are a Christian does not mean you have to be a prude or think sex is wrong or sinful! Have some fun in the bedroom! That is what God created sex for! FUN!! Here is the link to the list: 29 Days To Great Sex. […]

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[…] The website To Love Honor And Vacuum has a list of 29 things you can do to experience great sex! And yes, it’s another Christian blog!! You see, just because you are a Christian does not mean you have to be a prude or think sex is wrong or sinful! Have some fun in the bedroom! That is what God created sex for! FUN!! Here is the link to the list: 29 Days To Great Sex. […]

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All About Sheila!

Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store. Read More…