I dare say I do not know what has come over me! I have made the most epic decisions, and you will be the first to know about it. This summer, I will take the battle to the Japs and the Commie Pinkos! I am no longer content to lay around Taiyuan watching my peasant opera girls perform solos for/on me. No my friends, it is time to end this invasion from within and without once and for all.

I leave at once for the battlefront. Wish me luck, before too many months have passed I will regale you all with tales of victory. I have no doubt that the campaign will come to a successful end and I will finally make our homeland safe for democracy or whatever other kind of government I decide to install.

Things are rough here in the Yan Xishan camp. Two weeks back, after a night of heavy drinking, I was curled up on my kang, most thankful that the thick coal smoke that forms Taiyuan’s natural weather patterns was keeping the sun at bay. Just at that moment, my #6 wife asked me to let her visit her natal family, and in my still inebriated state, I allowed her to depart. If I was in my right mind, I never would have let her go. Not only do I rely on her for daily massages, ear cleanings, and sexual services, but her hometown is precariously close to the damn Jin-Cha-Ji base area. Before I even finished sobering up over my mid-day bowl of noodles and vinegar, the report came back–she had been communized! Yes, she had disappeared into the Red Zone. I imagine she must have at least four peasant husbands. What an abomination!

Have you heard the news? It is the talk of the Shanxi interwebs: an American barbarian, famous for playing the game of “basketball” has come to our not-so-humble province, promising to labor and bring us glory! I myself am a bit confused about all of this. Seriously, there is a war going on, as I am sure you are all aware of. Who has time for this game of throw-ball-in-basket when motherfuckers need killing? But then again, as my regular readers know, I have my distractions, so who am I to deny my Shanxi peasants and coal workers a moment of pleasure? Well, I am the master of my domain, so I suppose I could, but I have always held that a five minute break makes those 18 hour coal mining shifts just fly by.

Recently I have been chatting with my old rival and drinking buddy, Zhang Xueliang. Of course, we have to have these “chats” via telegram, as that old mouth breather Jiang Jieshi has kept the Young Marshall under house arrest ever since the so-called “Xi’an Incident.” But he has to be released pretty soon, I mean how long can the Generalissimo hold a grudge? Anyway, Xueliang was telegraphing (is this what kids mean by texting?) how he just cannot wait to get out and get back to his homeland up in the Northeast. I had to stop him right there. Who the hell wants to go to Dongbei? Motherfuckers been wanting to get up out of there for centuries!

Seeing how ignorance was everywhere, I knew that it was time for the introduction of the #3 most impressive dynasty of all time, the glorious Qing. As all but the most moronic know, the Qing dynasty was founded by the Manchus, bunch of gross barbarians who were able to parlay their excellence in horseback riding and archery into the temporary dominance over the great Han Chinese race. Crazy, right? But truth be told the Chinese empire has long been troubled by the dirty and unwashed barbarian hordes to the north. Ever since the Xiongnu delighted to our fine silks and princesses, it has been one long struggle to remind the barbarian that yes, you can ride horses better than we can, but no, you are still a damn barbarian so keep out.

Recently, Beijing Boyce, the all-star blogger and friend to Shanxi’s most eligible warlord, published my list of the greatest bars of China’s erstwhile capital city. You can read all about it right here. Be sure to notice how kick-ass I look in my Time magazine cover. In honor of this auspicious occasion, I thought I would provide a few tips so that you, my good readers, could learn to drink in true warlord fashion. It ain’t easy, so get your yatou (you do have a servant girl, right?) to fetch a bottle and let’s get started!

It is the holiday season here in Taiyuan, which means a “temporary” truce with the hated Japs, bonus rations of vinegar for the troops, and a plenty of extra performances for my favorite qinqiang opera troop. Tonight they are staging, at my request, a “mash-up” of The White-Haired Girl and A Christmas Carol.