I am the First Lady of HR with a stellar career.
"People" is my middle name, on Tuesdays.
"Save a dollar, save a dime, spending cash is a corporate crime"

Monday, 23 December 2013

Our CEO is in trouble

I may not be sitting in this chair for too long

Let's be frank and earnest as we approach the end of this year, unless you are Chinese, Islamic or Jewish. (Hugh White from Diversity informed me that Jews, Chinese and Islamists have their own year).

This has NOT been a wow wow wow year. There is a cash flow problem, the products we have deployed are called "half cooked crap" by our key clients and our new products are "embryonic", although the plan is that they will integrate with internet of things.

Is this wow? No, it is semi wow, if you believe in appreciative inquiry.

Thus, when the Chairman of the Board (Edward Montpetit-Maplewood) asked to have lunch with me, it was not only in order to glimpse at my legs, which he does all the time since he is a lecher. The Chairman wanted to examine CEO Stan's discretionary budget.

Maplewood noted that CEO Stan has a personal chef, K Ray Beauregard-Goldstein (who cooks cost effective lasagna); Maplewood then pointed out that that Stan flies First Class and often takes Wifey with him; Maplewood also knows that that Stan has a global, sustainable private elevator and a parking spot with no one parked to his left or right. While this is not Big Data, it is interesting data. And it is part of internet of things.

Maplewood-Montpetit asked me "How do you explain all this "wastage" to our battle-fatigued troops, Madame Lemieux"? (I do not know why he calls me that-he knows I am single).

I told our Chairman that our troops adore Stan, and as HR manager, my problem is not his axe-pense account but the mass's hero worship of Stan. (I know full well who butters my croissant).

After we finished our meal in his private dining room, the Chairman stopped gawking at my cleavage and said, "Madame Ramsbottom-Lemieux, speak to Stan and tell him that YOU want him to provide better personal example by reducing his extravagant ways. Don't mention me, s'il vous plait".

Chairman Edward Montpetit-Maplewood is NOT French. His grandparents were born in Montreal but he is from Boston. His French is neither global, or sustainable. However, he is a master manipulator. And he reads novels about the internet of things.