I Don’t Feel Sorry For You: Sasha and Malia That the Leader of the Free World is Still Your Dad

I don’t feel sorry for you, Sasha and Malia, that you will be First Daughters for another four years. Yes, I get it. You’re living in a fishbowl under constant scrutiny. But I don’t feel sorry for you for so many reasons.

Above all else, I don’t feel sorry for you because that means Barack Obama won! There is hope in humanity! But that’s not what this column is about. It’s about you girls, not your dad. Enough about your dad, right? (BTDubs, I have a huge crush on your dad… No, you’re right. Enough about your dad. )

First, you guys get to continue to live in the White House. This is awesome. Sure, it might be a little outdated, maybe there are some chairs with those little gold ropes strung from armrest to armrest indicating you’re not allowed to sit in it, but your house has the West Wing. A whole TV show was named after one portion of your house. This is so awesome. That’s like if NBC made fourteen-year-old me a show called The Shared Bathroom. When you get to college, no little frat boy is going to be able to impress you with his Brentwood zip code. You are from THE zip code.

On a very material, shallow level, I also don’t feel sorry for you because this is great for your wardrobe. You get to continue to go to important events where you have to get new dresses because the whole world is watching. A normal girl can expect a new dress for Homecoming and maybe one for Prom, if she even gets asked. Before that, maybe there’s some bullshit 8th grade dance, for which, if she’s lucky, her mom will buy her a super conservative dress, proclaiming “Now that looks smart!!” And the guy that she’s getting dressed for doesn’t notice her at all.

But you girls have so many fancy events to go to. Events that the entire country is watching. On national television. Including the boys you have crushes on. And if there was ever a reason to get your dad to buy you a new dress, hingeing his entire political career on whether his little girls look like ragamuffins or not is as good as angle as you’re going to get.

Now that you’re dad is still in office, you also get to spend more time with Joe Biden. I think this sounds great. Joey-Bi seems like a hoot. Like the fun uncle who comes over for Christmas and turns a boring dinner into a roller coaster ride of inappropriate stories where you end up hearing a new phrase and you make a mental note to look that up later because it sounded juicy. Also, I’m not going to lie. When I picture Joe Biden, I’m really picturing Jason Sudeikis. Sweet, sweet Jason Sudeikis. More please. Please pass the mashed sweet Sudeikis. Ah, lucky girls.

Now, this is a personal one, I’ll admit. But you are so lucky that for four more years that are in the demographic around the Washington, DC area that gets to hear the Christmas carol “Christmas Eve in Washington” on the radio during the holidays. It’s a regional gem and you lucky to have your eardrums in its reach for another four years.

Finally, I don’t feel sorry for you even though you will be going through puberty while in the public eye.

Okay. I’m not going to lie. I’m stretching to find a way to make this positive for you. I mean, we all saw Chelsea Clinton, poor thing, get hit real hard with the puberty stick while her dad was in office. I’m not judging – I was no different. If my acne-ridden-nose-too-big-for-her-face face had been in newspapers, they would’ve called a kill shelter. But it turned out fine for Chels. She is a very attractive woman now. But there’s no denying that going through puberty in the public eye is a MAJOR stress zone for a girl.

However, Malia! Sweetie! You are gliding quite nicely through your teen years without a hitch! At 14 you are still lovely as ever. Your body doesn’t seem to be rejecting itself like a bad organ transplant in the way that mine did. I can only hope this continues for you and that your sister follows in your footsteps.

But even if you both take a left turn into the murky depths of puberty hell, you will be fine. You are luckily the daughters of a very compassionate man. A man that has championed the rights of women across America. And one of those rights is that women do not have to explain or excuse their bodies to anyone. And having that right is more beautiful than any post-puberty face could be. Except maybe Zoe Saldana’s. I mean, that girl…Wow! From Center Stage to center stage, am I right?

Hey……wait just a gosh darned minute!! Stop hating on the first little black girls to step foot in the White House as residents. Please leave these girls alone!! For once some blacks get into the White House and the racism hits the fan. White people, you all are a trip!!