Here’s a picture of Wil Wheaton collating papers

You’ve been sent to this page because you offered a blogger a photo of some random celebrity standing near some product that no one actually gives a shit about.

We see your picture of Harry Connick Jr. standing near yarn/Tommy Lee Jones using a kleenex/insert-your-weird-pitch-here, and we raise you a picture of Wil Wheaton collating paper.

We win.

Hugs,

~everyone on the entire internet

***************

Other reasons why you may have been sent to this page:

You began the email “Hi David”. Midway through you call me “Arianna”. I have no idea who either of those people are.

You offered to pay me in coupons.

You offered to pay me for the chance to win a coupon.

You offered to pay me for the chance to win a coupon if I “like” you, tweet about you, blog about you and harass all my readers to do the same.

You offered me the chance to blog about diapers right after I wrote about my miscarriage.

You encouraged me to blog about your feminine products right after I wrote about having my testicle removed.

Your pitch is so poorly-researched that I had to forward it to everyone I’ve met because otherwise no one would believe it actually happened.

You continually send me pitches in languages I don’t read. Or possibly they’re death threats. I don’t actually know because I can’t read them.

You sent me a bad pitch that I deleted and then you sent me a follow-up email implying that I must be crazy and/or irresponsible for not personally replying to your first form letter email because how could I not want to write an advertisement about “the importance of douching” for free?

You have the same name as the guy who had a one night stand with my best friend and broke her heart and if I find out where you live I will burn down your mailbox and kidnap your dog.

Please note that we do appreciate your hard work and we do realize that your dumb-ass boss probably made you send out that horrible pitch even though you tried to tell him that it was really awful. Please know that we agree with you completely and that we will be happy to accept a high-res picture of “Nathan Fillion holding some twine” in return for publicizing your product just as soon as that becomes an acceptable form of currency anywhere in the entire goddam world. Until then, please take us off the mailing list of bloggers-who-are-so-desperate-for-content-that-we-assume-they’ll-write-for-free-about-pretty-much-anything-we-hand-them. We would, however, be thrilled to be placed on your list of bloggers-whose-time-is-worth-real-compensation-and-whose-highly-reasonable-rate-sheets-are-available-upon-request.

PS. It’s not you. It’s me. And by “me” I mean “David”. That guy’s a real ass.