Jesus Diaz

Look, I'm from Spain. We Spaniards stay in cafés and bars and restaurants forever—ordering things to drink or eat, of course. But this? Listen up, hipsters: a coffee shop is not your own personal newsroom.

I'm sure this has happened to most of you. But this morning was particularly offensive. This morning it was so bad that I wanted to cockpunch every single person in this place. No, scratch that. I wanted to order espressos for all of them and throw the cups at their heads.

But I digress. This morning I went to Toby's Estate to have breakfast. They make great coffee and awesome sandwiches (if you are around, try the freshly made roasted chicken—in juicy delicious pieces—with avocado and caramelized onions on rye). I ordered but I couldn't find a place to sit. Why? Because the place—which can fit about 40 people—was full of these dickheads and their computers and Moleskines.

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Dickheads with cups of coffee so dry they were probably ordered three hours ago. Dickheads reading the tea leaves in their empty glasses. Dickheads with just some free water.

Dickheads with absolutely no sign of having consumed anything except some three-week old canned tomato soup stains on their emo punk pop hip hop band t-shirts, the ones that proved they were at that concert nobody else gave a shit about.

One of them even had the pierced balls to get a banana out of this bag and proceeded to eat it as he scribed the novel he's never going to publish, looking at his Samsung Galaxy III—iPhones are so passé—at the same time.

And here I was, (delicious) coffee in hand, waiting for my sandwich, with nowhere to eat it. And I wasn't alone—there were two more people like me. While I waited, three more people came in, and, after looking around fruitlessly for five minutes, left without ever touching ass to chair. I didn't need telepathic powers to read their minds. DICKHEADS.

So, once again, let me outline the rules for staying in coffee shops, so you don't offend your fellow patrons or bleed the owners dry:

The Three Rules of Coffee Places

• Buy at least a coffee. Don't just go ahead and sit there with your computer. If you do the latter, I hope your genitals drop rotten into the toilet bowl one day.

• When you are done with your coffee—it's ok, take your time, as long as you do it at some reasonable pace—you can stay around for five minutes. Perhaps ten. Then leave.

• If you want to stay longer, buy another coffee. A pastry would be fine too. Perhaps a sandwich. Anything. Whatever. But keep buying things. This is the rent you pay. It's much less than getting your own office. Or a real apartment.

It's very simple.

Oh, and one last thing: Don't make calls in front of everyone else, because nobody gives a fuck about what happened to Tammy and Jaclyn yesternight. Dickhead.