Today has been tough – I’m okay on the outside, but my head has been doing me in. Started out with a bad dream about my old job (haven’t had one in a while) that stuck with me even after I woke up. Then the job search. I am actually scared about getting a new job – would really love to just ride it out and then get a part time job when it runs out. I feel bad that I feel this way – like it is somehow wrong and I’m being bad or something.

Just feeling generally anxious today. Felt like crawling under a blanket earlier and just ignoring the world.

Saw another dog I liked (she had been paired with her brother, but someone adopted her brother) I am really nervous and I have tried to explain that to my mom, that I am really scared about it and she is taking that to mean that I’m not ready. She just doesn’t get that if I go by that feeling that I’ll never be ready. And if I don’t get a dog this fall, then it would be a looooong time before I would be able to be home to train one.

I think because I have been (at least outwardly) relaxed since I’ve been home that she think’s I’m better. I’m not. There are some days where I just want to hide from the world all day, but I feel ashamed and not understood, so I don’t. I just push though and keep my thoughts to myself. She says she understands, but I don’t think she really does. I really wish there was some way to get over this but I don’t have any medical insurance so there’s not really much I can do except grit my teeth and carry on. Sigh.