Musings, dreams, thoughtcrimes.

An unexpected state of sleeplessness

I was really trying to sleep — lying down, waiting for thoughts to leave me in the same way they do every night, but they simply refused to. This has happened in the past when I have drunk a cup of coffee too late in the day. But why today? I am fairly certain that a small cup almost twelve hours ago cannot be responsible for my thoughts veering, suddenly and completely unexpectedly, to her. Not her — who took me so much longer to get over — but her. (Not that the distinction is very important, for I almost never think of any of them these days anymore. I did somewhat more frequently about three years ago, and this old email must have been the result of such a sentimental moment. But these days — perhaps once every couple of months.) The only explanation I can imagine for this unexpected occurence today is that Rat’s presence may have struck some forgotten corner of my subconscious memory.

So I lay down and thought of random things. A little bit of Bangalore, a little bit of Agumbe. And you know how memories are. Some disappear some amalgamate in a free flowing manner without commas or discipline. We were lying naked together, utterly contented in the moment. Boating and Aromas of China. Many smiles some tears.

Many of my memories about her are concentrated in those last three or four days which contained some of the most beautiful moments of my undergrad years. Strange how it all just ends. I don’t remember if I told her how much I enjoyed those few days. If she is reading this, she would know of course.

But as I said, I rarely — almost never — think of her anymore. Or her, for that matter, or even her. And those rare occasions when I do are surprisingly correlated with late hours like these when I should be sleeping. Instead, here I am typing things of little interest to my readers and which I will probably think of as embarassing or unnecessary the next morning.

Time to make another attempt at sleep. Even if I can’t, I’ll resist posting any more poorly written, rambling descriptions of times I spent many years ago with ex-girlfriends who I am no longer in touch with.