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We had our FET (frozen embryo transfer) on August 17th – we transferred what our embryologist said looked like a perfect embryo that had just began to expand and hatch. Everything went smoothly and we were so excited about this next chapter of our lives, hoping and praying that our baby would stick around. Fast forward to 4dp5dt (four days past five day transfer) and I gave in and did the old ‘pee on a stick’ and there it was. In all it’s beautiful glory – our BIG FAT POSITIVE test. My heart was so happy. I was beyond excited. I couldn’t believe it had worked first transfer again. Blessed!

From then on out I did daily tests – all getting darker and darker as the days went on. First bloods were at 11dp5dt and my hcg came back at 614 – a nice strong number. Things were moving along as planned. Then onto our second bloods, they came back at 5,000. Again rising nicely and things were full steam ahead. My IVF nurses gave me the go ahead to book my first dating scan/ultrasound with our fertility doctor so I did that ASAP, I couldn’t wait to get our first glimpse of ‘baby E’ as Jason and myself had fondly named our little blessing. Our ultrasound was booked for September 14th, I had already started counting down the days! But the very next morning things took a turn for the worst….we wouldn’t be counting down the days anymore.

I woke up on Tuesday September 5th with very heavy bleeding, I could feel it dripping down my legs as I ran to the toilet. It was everywhere. Bright red and it had soaked through my undies and pyjama pants. I looked into the toilet and saw some rather big clots of blood. My heart sank. I knew this was the end. This wasn’t going to end well. I called out for Jason (who thankfully had that day off of work) and when he walked in I just burst into tears. He saw the blood and knew. After I showered and calmed myself down a little I called our IVF nurse to let her know and she booked us in with an emergency appointment with our fertility doctor asap, so we dropped Zach off at school and headed straight up to see him. By then my bleeding had gotten lighter. My doctor checked me and said my cervix was still closed and that the clots might just be congealed blood from sitting overnight etc. I guess he kind of got our hopes up because we didn’t give up, we thought we were in with a chance still. He ordered more bloods to be done the following day to see what my HCG was doing. I spent the rest of the day in bed, resting, crying…hoping for a miracle. By that night the bleeding had stopped, from then on I had no bleeding at all, I had no pain, no cramps, nothing at all that the ‘typical miscarriage’ symptoms were. The next morning I went in bright and early for my blood draw because normally they get back to us ASAP (usually lunch time or so) with the results, but this time we didn’t hear back until almost 5pm (talk about a long day) and the news wasn’t good. He said my levels had dropped from 5,000 all the way down to 1,200 – in only 48 hours. My heart was broken. I sat in the bathroom crying. I was holding on so tightly to that small little chance that everything was going to be ok. That our baby was going to pull through. All that crashed down with a 2 minute phone call. Jason came in and knew it was bad news. We hugged and he held me as I cried and sobbed. He was the one who stayed strong for us both. I’m so lucky to have him as my rock. But I know it was killing him too.

The following morning (also our wedding anniversary) we went to the hospital, for more bloods, and an ultrasound to rule out an ectopic pregnancy. Bloods came back and had dropped down from 1,200 to 600 (and something) in just 24 hours. Ultrasound showed that both my tubes were fine and it wasn’t ectopic. They found a gestational sack with no sign of a baby or a heartbeat. Just an empty sack where our baby once grew. So it’s likely I miscarried early Tuesday morning and the larger clots I lost were the baby. I was 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant. That afternoon a steady blood flow started and continued for about 5-6 days. When we arrived home from the hospital there was a lovely bunch of flowers at the door, Jason had ordered them for our wedding anniversary, they were beautiful and I just lost it and began sobbing into his arms. It was such an emotional day.

I got a little tattoo reminder for our angel baby, ‘I carry your heart’ ❤️ I carried you for every second of your life and I will love you every second of mine.

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have a follow up appointment with our fertility doctor next month to work out our next move/plan. Our next FET won't be until early December. Taking this time to just relax and be with my family. Staying positive that our next transfer will be a success.

Thank you so much for reading my story, it always feels good to vent and let out emotions. Until next time…

Well here we are again. Long time no see. Life just got busy and the blog took the back burner. I miss writing and expressing myself here. I’m glad I’m back. Hopefully this time I can stick it out. My last post was back in December 2016, fast forward almost 7 months and here we are. We have just celebrated our daughters 1st birthday in May and our sons 5th birthday in June, its been a busy few months. Zach is now in school, already half way through this school year, I’m amazed at how well he is doing. I haven’t been back to work, and honestly don’t see myself going back until after we get our baby years behind us…so maybe in the next 3-4 years or so I’ll head back into the work force. For the time being I’m enjoying being a mum and watching my children grow. The past year has honestly been a blur, it all went by so quickly. When it comes to motherhood I know one thing to be true. The days are long, but the years are short!

Sunny’s Cake Smash May 2017

Adding To Our Family…?

One exciting thing happening at the moment is our upcoming FET (frozen embryo transfer) We are hoping to add the final piece to our family puzzle. We are lucky enough to have 4 frozen embryos in storage from our full IVF cycle back in 2015, so this time around things will be a lot more straight forward when it comes to the transfer, no injections or hormones, just a few pills a couple times a day to help thicken up my lining. This also means we are not going to be breaking the bank as much, although lets be real a frozen embryo transfer isn’t exactly cheap either. We met with our doctor at the end of May and we have our transfer planner from our IVF nurses all set and ready to go, we have made our first payment ($2,600 later…) I have all my medications and vitamins, now its just a waiting game. It all starts July 25th! If things go to plan (knock on wood) we’ll have our scan on August 8th and if my lining is all good then transfer is set for August 17th. Can’t wait to share this exciting journey with you all again.

Zach’s 5th Birthday!!! Can’t believe he is already 5!

House Renovations…?

So in October last year we actually moved house as our ‘family home’ was no longer big enough for our growing family. We are currently renting a larger house but we have exciting news – in 10 months time we will be starting renovations on our old home (it’s currently being leased out so we need to wait until their contract ends) We are expanding and doing extensions to the home as well as a brand new kitchen and floors. I’m most excited about a new kitchen…hello Pinterest, I’m already searching for inspiration. So we will hopefully be turning our little 3 bedroom house into a 4 bedroom house with 2 living areas and a bigger and better kitchen!! We are so excited to get the ball rolling with this. But until then we need to move again into a different rental (closer to Zach’s school, cheaper rent to help save anything extra we can etc) so we will be up and out of this house within the next few months. I’m thinking I won’t even unpack everything in the next move…I’ll just wait until we are in our forever home haha. #lazymum…

Thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed this little update, look out for lots more updates and posts coming your way. Until next time…

When you let the secret out of the bag, “We’re trying for a baby” and months or years (in our case) pass by and there is still no baby, you hear the stupidest, sometimes insensitive and down right dumb comments. I thought I’d share some of the highlights I’ve had said to me/others have had said to them. Of course I mean no harm to anyone who might have said anything similar to someone in a situation involving infertility etc, (it can be an awkward or uncomfortable topic) just maybe it will help you know what NOT to say. Sometimes silence is golden…

Ok first of all just stop! I don’t give a crap what happened with your sisters’s best friends, mum’s uncles cousin…I know your intentions are good, kind of throwing out a little sense of hope but it’s kind of hard to stop ‘thinking’ and ‘trying’ for something that you long for and hope for every day of your life…plus if you have infertility ‘just waiting it out’ and ‘forgetting’ about it won’t solve it.

2. “Think of all the money you will save not having to buy contraceptives ever again…”

Yes, because forking over $12,000+ for IVF treatments (not to mention emotional struggles, daily hormone injections, doctor fees…etc) is so much better. Oh and that’s if they even end up working. Great logic.

3. “You could adopt…”

I hate this comment the most – do you know how HARD adoption is? And how long of a process and how expensive it is? It’s not a simple process or a bandaid solution. Don’t get me wrong adoption is defintly an amazing thing but to even qualify for it (in Australia especially) is really hard so no…we can’t ‘just adopt…’

4. “God didn’t want you to have kids…”

Yep, I actually witnessed someone say this to another lady so not a personal experience. The lady said that IVF was wrong, that that baby shouldn’t have been born and that she was NOT meant to be a mother. Ok where to start with this one. First off I know plenty of people who conceived naturally and SHOULD NOT be mothers. Drug addicts, paedophiles, just to know a few. So you can honestly sit there and say that a mother who smokes crack and has a baby who is born ADDICTED to drugs and has days/weeks of withdrawal shakes/symptoms deserves to be a mother and a loving stable couple don’t? Again with that great logic.

5. “Just get a dog…”

Really? Well ok then but only if you don’t think I’m crazy if I put it in nappies, and push it around in a pram, and breastfeed it...oh wait NO that would be crazy AND stupid. Just like suggesting a dog could substitute a human baby…

6. “Oh I know what you are going through it took us 3 cycles to fall pregnant…”

No you don’t know what we are going through. 3 cycles is nothing. Hell on average it can take 6 months – 1 year for a ‘normal/healthy‘ couple to fall pregnant so actually 3 months is fast! Try 24+ cycles – then you can talk to me about how you know what I’m going through…

So there you have it, just a few of the things I have had someone/heard others say to people living with infertility. Hopefully if you come across someone/a friend dealing with the same or similar situations now you will have a little better understanding about what not to say (oh and please don’t tell them they can just have you kids…that jokes old and not funny!) Maybe instead just let them know that you are there for support, a shoulder to cry on. Or even do just a little IVF/infertility research. Let them know they are not alone.

So went in for beta number 3 (yay last one!) last tuesday and it was a strong 24,200. So so happy everything is growing and rising like it should be. Time for Week 6: Bump Date!!!

How far along? 6 weeks!Total weight gain/loss: Gain, 0.5kg roughly.

Maternity clothes? Still loving maternity jeans but thats it so far.Stretch marks? NopeSleep: Getting a good 9-10 hours a night and still feeling very fatigued during the day. ugh!Best moment this week: Counting down to the ultrasound and ‘graduating’ from our fertility clinic. Bitter sweet.

Worst moment this week: Nausea!!!Have you told family and friends: Waiting for the Facebook announcement until after we are in the 2nd trimester…if we can last that long.

Movement: Too early just yet.Food cravings: Apples and Vegemite…not together lolHave you started to show yet: I’m gonna say yes, so bloody bloated.Leakage: Nope.Gender prediction: I’m still thinking boy…

Labor Signs: Way too early!

Belly Button in or out? In.Wedding rings on or off? OnHappy or Moody most of the time: Yea happy and just sleepy hahaMilestones: Goodbye fertility clinic, we have graduated!

Today I am 5 weeks pregnant! I still have a 2nd beta this thursday to go to as well as a 3rd the following week. I thought I would start documenting my pregnancy with this little ‘weekly pregnancy questionnaire‘ It is also my husbands and I’s 2nd wedding anniversary today, So to him I say: I LOVE YOU! Thanks for putting up with me for the past 2 years as your wife…I’m so lucky to have you as my husband, my soul mate, my best friend and the father to our babies xx

Worst moment this week: Dizziness, headaches and fatigue!Have you told family and friends: Yes- announced to close family and friends. Waiting for the Facebook announcement until after we are in the 2nd trimester…if we can last that long.

Movement: Too early just yet.Food cravings: Pasta dishes…anything with PASTA! Give me the carbs!Have you started to show yet: My little ‘mummy tummy’ pooch is turning into a little baby bump…or just BLOAT!Leakage: Nope.Gender prediction: Jason thinks girl…I think boy..but then I change my mind back and forth lol. I’ll be happy with either!

Labor Signs: Way too early!

Belly Button in or out? In.Wedding rings on or off? On..and loose as it is haha. Never did get around to resizing them.Happy or Moody most of the time: Mmm I think mostly happy. Maybe a few ‘moody’ moments.Milestones: GETTING PREGNANT! Thank you IVF nurses, doctors and scientists!!

So after the negative I got on 3dp5dt I swore I wasn’t going to test again until at least Saturday (which would have been 7dp5dt) but I woke up yesterday with a little bleeding when I wiped – nothing major but it scared the CRAP out of me! I thought it was over and my period was in its way. So I thought why the hell not just pee on a stick then…well this is what I saw!!!! A second line – a very very faint line. But a LINEnone the less!

The bleeding had completely stopped after an hour, it was only ever a little amount when I wiped, nothing that required a panty liner etc. Not sure if it may have been implantation or from the progesterone pessaries. But I of course processed to do a few more tests lol….Could this be it? our BFP?!? I really really hope so. Won’t really feel at ease until our blood test next Wednesday though…

So today marks 4dp5dt! (aka:4 days past 5 day transfer) These days could literally not go any slower, it’s killing me! On monday I went out and stocked up on some pregnancy tests, We planned to test on saturday which will be 7dp5dt. But for some stupid, silly reason when Zach was at daycare and I was home alone yesterday I decided to just pee on a stick anyway. It was of course NEGATIVE! Come on Sarah what are you doing? I was only 3 days past transfer – The embryo would have only been implanting at that stage and no hcg would even be released yet. But this just goes to show I can not be trusted around pregnancy tests. I think it’s also just exciting because for once I ACTUALLY have a reason to pee on a test. I actually have a chance! I wanna hold on to this hope for as long as I can! So I’ve learnt my lesson – Sarah you will NOT pee on a stick again until saturday morning. Symptom wise I haven’t really had anything at all, not too reassuring…a few little twinges on my left ovary side but thats about it. (not that that is even a pregnancy sign/symptom anyway lol)

I also got the call on monday to let us know how many of our 8 left over embryos make it to freeze. We got 9 eggs collected at egg collection, all 9 fertilised and grew perfectly to 5 day blastocysts, 1 beautiul embryo was transferred at 5 days and 4 ended up making it to freeze. We lost 4. Getting 4 into the freezer is amazing and we are so so happy and thankful but I still can’t help but feel a little sad about the 4 we lost. It’s all just part of this journey I guess. It never gets easier…I just pray this little embryo inside me sticks! I’ve never wanted anything more in my life. We have the picture of our embryo our IVF scientist gave us up on our fridge and I find myself looking at it so much during the day. I even talk to it and tell it to hang on in there…please please please hang on.

Little updates:

– Got our Medicare care rebate back today, our refund ended up being $5,600.00, So in the end we paid $7,882.00 out of pocket for this cycle.

– I’ll be going back to work next week after having 3 weeks off to just relax and take this journey in.