Post-Wedding Regret/Rumination

Asked by pamxo on 2018-05-8 with 1 answer:

From Canada: I got married a month ago and since the wedding, I keep thinking about the things that I didn’t plan properly. Biggest one being the guest list for the wedding. I decided not to invite some people because my fiance was only inviting his close friends but we had a huge wedding and enough room to fit more people especially since some guests didn’t even show up. I think I was also pressed for time and just didn’t bother inviting some people out of being lazy and wanting to cut down on my workload.

My biggest regret is not inviting my coworkers and now I can’t function at work because I see them everyday. I am constantly reminded and blame myself for not sitting down and consciously thinking about the wedding invites. I keep obsessively picturing how happy I would be and these people would be at my wedding if only I invited them!

It has got to the point where I am considering finding another job or going back to school because I have always wanted to switch careers but right now I think that would be irrational. But I can’t get myself to snap out of this constant regretful thoughts and rumination about the wedding. I understand things go wrong but the guest list was something that I should have planned. Please offer me advice.

This kind of problem is often a cover for something else. You had good reasons for not inviting more people. You probably didn’t want to have so many more people than your fiance did at the wedding. It was probably wise not to invite coworkers who are not close friends. Doing so might have been awkward for them. How do they decline to come — even if they want to — when they have to work with you every day? And you made some decisions about priorities when you were pressed for time. This all makes sense to me.

What doesn’t make sense is your obsession. I think you gave both of us a hint about what is going on in your last paragraph. You really want to switch careers but can’t justify it on rational grounds. Maybe you are unconsciously creating “irrational” reasons that will push you to take the risk and find a way to go back to school. I suspect that if you start taking steps to do what you really want to do, your obsession about the wedding will fade. It’s worth a try.