Granted, in about six years, he'll be drooling like a Pavlovian O-Dog, hiding his

"nerb *" as he goes to the chalkboard.

(*nerb: from the acronym NRB, for 'no reason boner.')

In the meantime, he could see no reason whatsoever to notice the fairers.

I thought of all the other lackluster things he'd be bound to notice... when he's not paying attention to b-cups, visible panty lines, freckles, that sexy little red mark on the back of the calf she gets after she's had her legs crossed for the past 38 minutes, bra straps, toothy and winsome smiles, stylish glasses, barrettes, hanes for hers, tasty beauty marks, come-hither glances...

Here, then, is a ho-hum list of "What's to notice...?"

"Oh look. She's watching Grey's Anatomy."

"Oh look. She's eating cobb salad with dressing on the side."

"Oh look. She didn't flush. She must have been on the phone with a friend when she shat."

28.4.10

A little word-play game I've been playing... a variation on the muscle-headed, menacing quote: "Two hits. Me hitting you. You hitting the floor."

A few years ago I added "... and the ambulance hitting fifty (mph) on the way to the hospital." One of my boys, J. Sales appreciated the humor, so we've been adding the "hits" lately. Let's see how many hits we can take it to:

Me hitting you.

You hitting the floor.

The witnesses hitting 9-1-1 in horror.

The paramedics hitting you up with an IV

The ambulance hitting fifty on the way to the hospital.

Your mom hitting her knees when she gets the news.

The gurney hitting the emergency room door.

The doctors hitting you up with reconstructive surgery.

The newspapers hitting the stands with the story.

The jello hitting your chin, because you won't be able to eat anything else for months.

3.1.10

14.1.09

5. Going sledding in Delaware park with my family. Sat there shivering... Dad notices the only thing I wore under my winter coat was a flimsy t-shirt... Dad says, "Jesus. Are you stupid or something?" as he takes off his own sweater and puts it on me.

4. Getting a ride home in my friends' cold mini-van and convulsing to the point that it felt my guts were being wrenched.

3. Walking, sans gloves, with my brother to buy milk from a vending machine, circa 1977, and coming home crying. This prompts my mother to rush me to the sink, running water over my hands and rubbing to re-vive my frozen digits.

2. Being stranded in Buffalo General hospital during a snow storm eight years ago. Cars are buried under a couple feet of snow. While watching everyone dig their cars out, I get an epiphany - I turn to my brother and say, "Dude, we can take the subway home and walk to my apartment." Probably the only time I found that subway handy.

1. Walking home in 5th grade with a wad of Bazooka Joe chewing gum in my mouth. I blew a sizable bubble... it falls from my lips - I watch the bubble fall and shatter on the sidewalk into a thousand pieces as if it were a light bulb.