Sharing the Hope found after WLS!

**I wrote this last month for the website Bariatric Surgery Source. I contribute to them monthly, and just wanted to share on my blog as well. I hope it has some meaning and purpose in your life just as it has mine!**

I remember waking up after surgery determined to NEVER be associated with the word(s) BIG, BIGGER, or BIGGEST ever again. I’m sure you can relate.

Since I lived most of the my life as the BIGGEST person I knew. I was sure I was going to change that, but boy was I WRONG.

WHAT?!? Emily, you have lost 140 pounds and maintained that loss successfully and you are saying that you are BIGGER now then you were before surgery? YES! I am! Let me explain…

I was always sitting around and waiting for life to happen and that only guaranteed me one thing… that I was NOT going to end up with a life I wanted or loved. I sat around and ate, and ate, and ate to the point of ballooning to 270 pounds physically and shrinking to NOTHING inside.

By waiting, I could only react to what life tossed my way and nothing more. The way I did that was to eat and live in denial that I had a problem with food or coming to terms with any of the number of health problems mounted against me.

It’s easy to take a passive approach to life without making chances and I had ZERO drive to ever take a chance. As we all know, taking CHANCES = GROWTH! It’s easy to fall into a rut and do the same things the same way all the time.

That was me, always stagnant never pushing myself or my boundaries. Always eating the same junk and planning my next feast (not meal, FEAST) before I was done with the one I was inhaling. Change and growth are sometimes hard and need A LOT of work, but it’s change that will show all the wonders that life has to offer as you start to GROW.

You can break out of your set ways by taking action, I did by having surgery.

Try doing the same thing a different way. When you go to the store, park far away so you have to walk. Take the stairs instead of the elevator.

Jump in with both feet and learn something new. I have learned how to Zumba and want to learn Belly Dancing. I have learned how to Blog, a place where I can share my feelings about weight loss surgery. I have learned how to network and market myself and my new company through social media outlets.

Ask a friend to teach you a skill they’re good at. Is it photography? Is it painting? I have leaned on some of my good friends in the Bariatric Community for support and accountability as well as Techy skills so I can HELP in the community more.

GROW as a person and your world/life GROWS with you.

Action is the only way anything ever gets done. GROWTH happens because YOU take CHANCES! WHATCHA WAITIN FOR, GET OUT THERE AND START LIVING!

“When you stand still, you reject the struggle, and you refuse to change and grow. Ultimately, you reject fulfillment, happiness, the dance for joy and everything else that is eternally good.” ~ Matthew Kelly

Wow! I can’t believe I am about to officially be a mother to a 13 yr. old, Cheerleader and Volleyball player! My Baby Girl is growing up, I swear just the other day I was changing her diapers! So with all the sports that are headed our way next school year, we had to go to the Dr. the other day and get the physical done. NOT her favorite part but I *gently* reminded her (in the midst of the dramatic ramblings of a tween GIRL) that it had to be done if she wanted to cheer or play volleyball, it was up to her. She quickly digressed and in came the Dr.

Mekayla is tall and super slender for her age…all legs (just like me at the ripe ol age of 12) and is a bottomless pit when it comes to food. She can put. it. away. Looking back, I could too and had nothing to worry about! It scares me for her because she is my daughter and I don’t want a repeat of my life where she is Dr. Matin’s patient one day just like her Momma was. So I am trying to nip a “repeat” in the bud and really encourage alot of physical activity NOW. She is super excited about next year, so am I, I hope she has a blast with everything and I will feel good knowing that she is MOVING and staying active all the while growing up WAY to fast!!!!

Gave ya a little background now I am going to get to the meat of this post. They called us back and got all of her vitals and recorded them on that chart that says what percentile for her age she is in. She is in the 50% percentile for her weight (perfect) and 50-75% for her height, meaning she is taller than she is heavy. The Dr. looked at her and said “Mekayla, I know that your friends at school are all shapes and sizes, but I am here to tell you that you are exactly where you need to be. You are spot on normal on this chart here. Don’t ever let anybody tell you otherwise.” (not that Mekayla has had that problem, she hasn’t, she was just reassuring her before it even happens. I hope it never does.) I know that this made Mekayla happy and me too as her Mom for getting such a good report on my Baby Girl. Then the Dr. said something that really jogged my mind, she went on to say…”You are built just like your Mother here, and since that is the case I don’t see you ever having a problem with your weight since it hasn’t been a problem for her.” Really?!?! This made me confused for a minute because she has no idea where I have come from or what my journey is, she has no idea of the struggles I face daily. I was not angry with her just confused and thought I needed to clarify her image of me right then and there. I felt like I needed to explain myself to her and “clear the air”, she obviously needed to be corrected in her assumption of me.

Then it hit me….No, she didn’t. She didn’t need to be corrected, she was clearly stating what she saw. All my life I have felt as if I had to explain myself, but really they were excuses most of the time. I didn’t need to “justify” her comment with the “truth” of what I have been through. The TRUTH is I had surgery to be normal, I am now, so that is JUSTIFICATION in, and of itself! I don’t need to tell everybody that I come in contact with that I have had surgery, trust me I have been known the tell the check out person at Target…true story. I was given a tool that has helped me, I have worked hard to get where I am at, my hard work and dedication to being healthy as a whole has paid off for me. It’s about time that I give myself some recognition too, not just my tool, having said that I will never forget or denounce what has helped me get here. It has been so hard to wrap my little brain around that word “normal” being associated with ME. At times I pinch myself, but I am so glad that I am finally coming to grips with the reality that I have tried so hard to NOT believe about myself.

To go a bit further, not only did I not say anything to the Dr. about her assumption of me. It felt good inside to know that I was normal from the outside, beautiful on the inside, and I held a nugget of information to my self that would have blown her out. of. the. water. It wasn’t about me and my journey for a moment. It was about all the hard work that got me to being normal again. It was about others seeing me as I want to be seen. When I had surgery, I just wanted to lose my weight, be healthy, and not be stared at in disgust when people looked at me. For once, I can say, I am there.

I don’t want this post to come off as shallow or sounding like what others think of me is what defines me because that can’t be farther from the truth. I know who I am, what I am, and who I am becoming. I don’t know where I am going on my journey but I am headed in the right direction, a good direction. The purpose of this post was to finally be able to say that I am comfortable and pleased with what others have to say about me AND with what I see in the mirror looking back at me. It feels good, real good.

This post will be short and sweet. To the point. I have spent all day at the hospital with my Dad. He is a heart patient and has had a rough go since September but things are looking up for him, and me! 😉 As I sit in the Family Waiting room very anxiously awaiting news that Dad has sailed through another surgery I noticed how the vending machine is *perfectly* placed. It is right under the flat screen T.V. with Fox News on. They make sure that it is always in peripheral vision. Now, don’t get me wrong I do not have anything against vending machine but I know myself, they are a recipe for disaster. If you give me a good choice with mixed nuts etc., I cannot get over the fact that 2 rows up sits……D-O-R-I-T-O-S and with those there, I bluntly admit it, that the mixed nuts WILL stay *right* where they are and the little spiral will turn to let my Doritos drop down. Just sayin’, I know myself well. To make the taunting by the position of the vending machine worse, I was stressed. I eat or crave crunchy things when I am stressed.

This is were therapy and a good support system comes into play. I came so close to caving into the craving and getting a bag of chips. It did not matter that I had plenty of good choices in my bag, I was fixated on those Doritos and really had myself convinced that they would *do the trick*. Boy, was I ever wrong!! I immediately started using the tools I have learned from therapy. I started by realizing *what* made me feel like I need those chips…..STRESS from my Dad being in surgery. I realized that the stress was bringing on anxiety and that was causing me to want to self medicate the only I knew how to for most of my life. FOOD.

I sprung into motion, I knew I had to counter what was very well going to become a disaster. It was going to be a disaster to my emotions, after I ate them I would feel guilty. It was going to become a disaster to my pouch, they are empty void calories and make me feel sluggish and blahh. It was going to become a disaster because I was about to let the Doritos beast out of the cage that I had worked to hard to suppress all this time. There is NO way that could be possible or allowed. So while I was working through the emotions on my own I reached out to my WLS Peeps and did a status update on Facebook. Their responses were overwhelming me with support! I am so blessed by the WLS community and those close to me.

I’m proud to say that I did NOT give into that vending machine, instead I gave into the encouragement of my peers. The high I felt after that was incomparable to that sucky 30 second high from Doritos’! WHAT a liberating feeling it was!! I’m so proud of myself and the growth that is taking place within me. Thank goodness for good therapist, good friends, and good ‘ol positive self talk.

Dad came out of surgery well and is resting. I came out of a potentially hazardous situation on top and feeling great!! I was and still am IN CONTROL of this thang! 😉

This is Duke. My friend Rhonda is his Momma and he is such a pretty animal. The problem is I am very afraid of him. You are probably wondering why?

Well, when I was younger I was riding a female horse and a family friend was on a male horse. We rode way out into the pasture, the day was beautiful wind blowing through my hair, I felt like I was on top of the world! That is until is happened and happened so quickly. Much to my unknowing, my female horse was in heat and the male decided (WAY out in the pasture) that he wanted to “play”. She wanted NO part of that and so they started circling each other, well more so she was trying to get away from him. Jared told me to get off of the horse and I did exactly what he said because I knew and still know nothing about horses. I jumped off and got out-of-the-way before he even finished his sentence I think! I stood there as the huge animals started rearing up at each other and neying (I’m not sure if that really is a word. Haha!) really loud, I tell you that female wanted NO part of that male that was chasing her tail! They somehow got tied up in each others reigns so Jared was trying to get them undone and before you know it, the male kicked him right above his elbow shattering the bone. I am watching this in awe and don’t know what to do. I run (for an eternity) back to the house to get someone to help us leaving the horses to hash out whatever they had going on. Needless to say, that has scared me and although I will pet horses, I am very afraid of riding.

I just gave up on every getting on one again and resolved myself to the fact that it was not a good idea because the horse would sense my nervousness and that is a recipe for disaster. Not to mention I have no idea how to the use the reigns and tell the horse what I want him to do, leaving him to think….what is wrong with this idiot on my back?!?

Well like my last post mentioned, I working on my Bucket List as a part of my “finding myself”. I put riding a horse on it because I have realized I really have nothing to be afraid of riding a horse. I should be more afraid of my poor choices in what I chose to eat, think, and feel about myself. I should also not compare what happened when I was younger to what riding a horse would be like for me now. Just like we as WLS patients should not compare other people and their stories to our story or MAKE their story our story. So with knowing that I realized I had no excuse to not do this.

I called up Rhonda and said “I am ready to conquer this unrealistic fear, can I ride Duke?”“Of course you can, when do you want to go out to the stable?” I’m thinking Uhhhh, NEVER! No, that is not the way to think so we made plans to go out last weekend. She was nice in letting my children come out and ride Duke as well. I was so glad to have them with me because, as their mother, I knew I had to be strong for them. They also showed me what it was like to be fearless and I needed that more than anything in that moment. They groomed (I wasn’t too sure about it, so I just watched) Duke and got him already to put the saddle on. He is such a neat horse, he is what they call “mouthy”, when you stick your hand out flat he will rub his upper lip on your hand, so sweet! The kids loved it when he did that.

Rhonda and the kids grooming Duke and getting him ready to ride!

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We walked out to the riding area and I had Mekayla go first so I could watch and learn from her. She jumped right up there and was having the time of her life. Mario was a little nervous just like me so he rode with Rhonda. Having two nervous people on the back of a horse is NOT a good idea!

Then it was my turn, my heart was racing as I put on the helmet, I kept telling myself, you CAN do this Emily! Get up there and DO IT!! I wanted to just give the helmet back to Mekayla and watch her ride, I would have been just fine sitting in the chair and playing with Sox (the farm cat, he was a lovable little guy too!) But then I had an ephipany….I wasn’t fine with being 270 pounds with a plethora of health issues so I did something about it. Why would I be fine with living in fear of riding this horse? So, there you have it, I got up on that horse. Hear still racing, breathing heavy, and with a death grip on the saddle—forget the reigns, I didn’t have time for those—He started to walk as Rhonda walked right beside him to guide him. He walked very slow and never got spooked. I soon realized that everything was ok in my world while I was ON THE BACK OF A HORSE! How could that be?!?! I would look down at his beautiful mane in awe of the fact that I was actually doing it!! It was quite emotional I must say. Rhonda was just as amazing as Duke, like Mother like Son, 😉 She kept talking to me and reassuring me that I was doing good and everything was fine. We walked around in a circle for a few minutes then I needed to get off and rest, I wore myself out from being so wound up! Mekayla got back on and trotted around some more as did Mario. Rhonda asked me if I wanted to go again, and I must say that the 2nd time was easier but (in the words of Rhonda) I cannot and am not claiming Everest over this fear after only the first ride. That is so true. I will say though, it has prompted me to THINK about MAYBE taking riding lessons which was never a thought that crossed my mind. This time last year I would have said “Yeah, right! You’re crazy!”

As you can see here, Rhonda is talking to me and trying to calm me down. She was amazing and so was Duke!

Duke and I being friends here. This was the second ride, I grabbed the reigns but only for a minute. 😉

This experience taught me some new and pretty cool stuff about myself. It taught me to really evaluate what I should be scared of and what I should not be scared of. It taught me get out of my comfort zone and try new things. It taught me be more trusting of myself and emotions. I need to trust that I have it in me to do and try new things. The most important thing of all that it taught me was to BELIEVE IN MYSELF!

This experience was brought on all because of my WLS. Two and half years ago, I had no idea who I was or what my purpose was, nor was I on a mission to find out either. My only mission in life was to find the next drive thru, gorge myself, and exist. I am truly learning what it means to LIVE and LOVE myself through the rest of my life here on earth. I urge you to do the same thing! It is rewarding, I am here to tell you there is WAY MORE power in this reward than the sucky VERY brief reward we get from food or other self sabotaging things we engage in. Life a journey NOT a destination, and I am proud to say that my Journey has begun and I can’t wait to see all that is ahead of me during my travels!

This experience was also brought on all because of my WLS due to the fact that I have gained a new friendship in Rhonda that other wise I would have never been blessed with. I trust her with everything, even my fears, You see what she did with this one, she helped me overcome it, and I honestly don’t think the outcome would have been as rewarding with anyone else guiding me! She gets me. She grounds me. She loves me and all my imperfections. She believes in me. She is there to be my #1 Cheerleader and she is also there when she knows she just needs to listen. She is one of my best friends with so many qualities I admire and adore. She sees the good in everyone when sometimes my mind is clouded by hurt. I am so humbled by her friendship and honored to call her my friend. Love ya Girl!! 😉 Thank you so much for this opportunity and I wouldn’t have wanted anybody else by my side!

Rhonda and Duke. The two beautiful souls that made a difference in my life that day! Love you both!!

I just wanted to leave this blog post with a good quote I found….

“Plant seeds of expectation in your mind; cultivate thoughts that anticipate achievement. Believe in yourself as being capable of overcoming all obstacles and weaknesses.” ~ Norman Vincent Peale

I need to share with you all something that was shared with me last night at my Women’s Christmas Dinner at Church by the Pastor’s Wife. I found this so profound and if we could do this EVERYDAY in our lives BOY HOWDY we would be MUCH happier people! I’m feel like I am on the right path but still have room for improvement….don’t we all? That’s why we are here!

So it goes like the title….DO what YOU want! No, it doesn’t mean “Go on Girl, do whatever you want, whatcha waitin for?!?” It means, DO what YOU want, DO what YOU want done to you.

If you want for people to like you, then like people and make an effort to get to know them and their heart. “What we think we know about people keeps us from really knowing them.” -Kathy W (she is a friend of Jill’s who spoke before Jill did and was amazing too!).

If you want to reach that next goal, then do what you need to do to reach it, excercise, get support, eat healthy. “Our goals can only be reached through a vehicle of a plan, in which we must fervently believe, and upon which we must vigorously act. There is no other route to success.” -Stephen A. Brennan

If you want others to help you and walk with you, then put yourself out there for others and lend them a hand when they need it. “Never look down on anyone unless you are helping them up”

If you want to laugh, then laugh with people! “A sense of humor… is needed armor. Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.” -Hugh Sidey

So, I am going to analyze my life, my friendships, marriage, and professional relationships. I am going to really think about what I want out of all aspects of my life and I am going to make a list of those things. Then I am going to DO what I want to be done on that list. So the bottom line is:

Make a list.
Read the list.
BE the list.

I don’t know about you but that seems like a pretty simple logic that will take us the rest of our lives to complete, but when we put our best foot forward and give it all we got then we are not just spinning our wheels, we ARE getting somewhere! We are ever-changing and always a work in progress but when we have little nuggets like this to live by it makes life so much more fun, positive, and encouraging!

Not a big Katie Perry fan, BUT I LOVE this song and it’s lyrics, Barney the Big Purple dinosaur could sing it for all I care! It is a beautiful song so I just wanted to share it! It has so much meaning to ALL of our lives! Let you colors BURST!!!

As I logged on to Facebook this morning I saw this posted as the Status update for Bariatric Eating: “When you look in the mirror what do you see first – the weight you have lost, or the distance you have left to travel?” I will post my response in a little while. I was one of the first to respond but have checked back through out the day to see people responses and some of them prompted my heart to become heavy for some of those in the WLS community.

I know that we as obese people have had and still have problems with depression, low self-esteem, and self- worth because the disease literally sucks the life and all of our being out of us so these self images are all we have known BUT there is HOPE in life after WLS and we need to find that and find it quick so we can get on living the lives we have been given. Here is my response to the question: “Weight Lost. Distance left to travel DOES NOT define me! Plus, when are we *done* traveling? I am not just talking about weight I’m also talking about what’s on the inside of us as well, when we look in the mirror we should see so much more than outward appearance and always strive towards—going the distance—this is a way of life and we are constantly in the race, there is no finish line! Happy Thursday everybody!”

I am not saying I believe in myself and my self-worth 100% or I wouldn’t have this blog although some days are better than others, the good days tend to come around more often lately….I could get used to this ;-). I am not saying that my life is AMAZING everyday because I am still human and stumble. BUT what I am saying is that when we start believing in the *why* we had surgery—not just because of our physical health issues but our mental health as well—then we will find that others believe OUR *why* as well. In other words when we believe in ourselves THAT is when others will believe in us and I don’t know about you but I want my family and YOU all to believe in me…I mean come on, you all are an extremely important part of my life!…not to mention the happiness and joy we find in ourselves. I have to say that I have learned and am still learning so much about myself that I would have never known with having this surgery.

So friends lets start being more CONstructive in our criticism of ourselves. Let’s stand in front of our mirror’s and others and be proud of all that we have accomplished and learned on our journey’s no matter how long or short they are. If you are having a bad day and find you are beating yourself up, each negative thing you say or think of yourself needs to be coupled with a positive thing. I do this and when I have to stop and think of something positive that I had hidden by all the negative I’m like WOW!…OK!….I’m liking this….and come on we all know that positive thoughts make us happy and encourage us, it is then that we will start believing in our *why’s*.

So, let’s really focus on telling the DEstructive self to hit the road, we don’t have time to entertain those thoughts because they just are not worthy of our time–plain and simple. They are selfish and debilitating to our spirits and have no business clouding our judgement. Please be proud of yourself and your journey, you have accomplished so much just in having surgery! Please remember that your story is YOUR story, NOT anyone elses. It is so detrimental to our spirits when we try to compare ourselves to one another (and yes I have been guilty of doing just that) and compare successes. Success is SUCCESS no matter how big or small and we need to embrace it all the same!

Ok my friends let’s work on kickin’ DEstructive criticism to the curb, and start cuddlin up with some CONstructive criticism for our own overall well-being! 😉

Good ‘ol Webster’s definition of Extraordinary ~ going beyond what is usual, regular, or customary.

When I think of my life since WLS I think this is a good word to describe it. I mean NOTHING about this life is usual, regular, or customary! But wait…I am getting ahead of myself and need to back up and give you background into my decision to become an EXTRAordinary girl.

In my Adolescence I never really struggled with my weight, it did not become an issue until I got pregnant with my Daughter Mekayla and “Blossomed” into a person I didn’t know. I packed on 70 pounds during the pregnancy and it stuck to me like glue from there on out. In fact it invited some friends along to come and hang out too! That was one of the happiest times in my life and also one of the saddest as well. Here I was a Mother at 20 yrs. old and forced to grow up QUICKLY….gosh how I wished she would have come with an instruction packet!…and also rejected at the same time and found myself to be a 20 yr old SINGLE Mother! This along with other things in my life sent me spiraling out of control and finding comfort in food. I have to say that looking back on that chapter in my life, it was very short lived because when Mekayla was 2 yrs old this Angel came into our lives….His name is Edwin and Daddy. He came into my mess of a life and cleaned it up without a second thought. He saw me for who I was on the inside NOT the outward apperance that everybody stared at all the time with their noses turned up! We got married when Mekayla was 5 yrs. old and I was almost at my heaviest. I continued to pack on the pounds but this time it was different….It was because I was happy and had someone that loved me for me (and the dozen of Krispy Kreme donuts I would pound EVERY weekend!) We were married for a year and then started trying to have another child…well there wasn’t much trying we got it on the 2nd try ;-)…so with my son Mario’s pregnancy came MORE weight on top of the “baby weight” from my *Baby* that was now 7 yrs. old. Now we have offically entered the time I got to be the HEAVIEST I ever was, weighing in at a whopping 270 pounds.

Several years went by…along with ALOT of pictures with me BEHIND the camera….that I continued existing and not living. I developed High Blood Pressure, was Pre Diabetic, Depression/Anxiety, Restless Leg Syndrome from lack of sleep, Obstructed Sleep Apnea, Acid Reflux, and Joint and Back Pain…**obviously all of these Co-Morbidities did not just fall into my lap all at once, they started in my 20’s, it seemed I would get a new one every year for my Birthday!** I was taking a handfull of pills a day just to stay “vertical”. I *knew* that if I didn’t do something about my weight I was literally going to die at the grasp of one of my Co-Morbidities and/or obesity. However with all of this said, I was not in the right mindset to succeed at having WLS. I continued to sabatoge my self esteem and health with a very UNhealthy bond with food.

I had to be ready mentally to take on WLS and I wasn’t until I had a “wake up call” from my Husband one day. He looked at me genuinely concerned for me and my health and said “If you don’t do something about your weight, I feel that I am going to be raising our kids on my own.”…..WOW….THAT slapped me across the face real hard and WOKE ME UP! Right then I realized that I was being selfish and not giving my family the wife and mother they so much deserved. THAT is when I made the choice to go to a WLS Seminar at the Hospital (the very same one that I speak at once a month with my surgeon….funny how that happens when you are COMMITTED to doing the right thing) in August of 2008 and started my Pre Op process in September 2008 and had surgery January 2009….I HAVEN’T LOOKED BACK SINCE THAT DAY!!!

In future blogs I will talk about the WHAT’S AND HOW’S I have been successful with my tool…I have to save something for later….I have to keep telling myself that because I tend to be long winded can’t cha tell 😉

This is my story in a TINY nutshell. More will be revealed in the future. Thanks so much for walkin’ this road with me. We will skip and dance sometimes, sometimes we will have to hurdle pot holes, and sometimes we may fall in those pot holes but we will always have each other to lend a hand to. I thank you so much for your friendship and for believing in me when at times I struggle with believing in myself….I’ll get into that later too!….OK! enough already I am giving away all my future stuff! Before I go I want to leave some “Food for Thought” that I live by and helps me through my journey and I hope you can find comfort in it too.

“Remember that WLS is merely a tool. It works however YOU use it.”

“Obesity is a disease that each one of has. HOWEVER YOU can chose to feed that disease or chose to take your life and health back from the disease.”

“What I thought was Freedom with food was actually bondage…..THIS is Freedom!”

Well this concludes my very FIRST post, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it!