Post by Daniella on May 31, 2006 10:02:05 GMT

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thusto govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of yourindependence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical dutiesover all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas, whichshe does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for Americawithout the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will bedisbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whetherany of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the followingrules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will beamazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' withoutskipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by thesuffix "ise."3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you mayelect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can'tcope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptablelevels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven wordsinterspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is anunacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know onyour behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take accountof the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. February 16th willbe a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in Britain. It will becalled "Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers ortherapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists showsthat you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handledby adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suingsomeone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough tohandle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything moredangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish tocarry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for yourown good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will startdriving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will gometric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British senseof humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have beencalling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French friesare not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips areproperly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive withcustomers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actuallybeer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as"beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will bereferred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-FrozenGnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as goodguys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to playEnglish characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in"Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's earsremoved with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind ofproper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, intime, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities toAmerican "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twentyseconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to hostan event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outsideof America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyondyour borders, your error is understandable.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An Inland Revenue agent ( i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty'sGovernment will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all moniesdue backdated to 1776.