We Lost Our Baby And I Hate Myself For Loving Him

by J

I think things never started well. We met at work. He was at the time in another relationship with a woman with whom he has a baby, however we didn't talk to each other. I found out he broke up with the other woman but nothing happened.

After quite a few time he was traded to my department so the communication started. Finally after quite a time I went to his birthday party along with other co-workers.

That day he confessed that he liked me and I admit that I did too, so we started to see each other casually. But the mother of his child was in the middle, she was trying to break us apart. She used to use the baby to blackmail him. She also said that she was pregnant again, of course it wasn't true.

A weird thing was that I never felt guilty of anything, because I didn't separate them nor did he cheat on her with me. Things with her were over long time before we started to date.

Time passed, and she was persistent, saying that if he didn't leave me he would never see his baby again ever. And even though he was trying to visit the baby he never got any intention of leaving me never. I remember he used to say that our relationship was a thing apart from him and his baby, so then I realized that he truly cared about me or so I felt.

Later she understand that we were never going to separate. So she stopped. Things started to seem normal he regularly visited the baby and we were good, together.

So...I found out I was pregnant, and things were still alright. We decided to move in together, and after a while baby was born, divine baby girl, the single best thing on my life. But after a month my baby died. She was born ill.

So that's when things started to change. He was angry and I was hurt a lot. I was in the worst place in my life. But also was he. I could see that. He was struggling to be strong for me but I think it was too much. We started to fight a lot. We said so many things to each other and, then one day he slapped me so hard that I crashed into the closet. So I got scared and so mad but I didn't leave.

Why didn't I leave? I don't know that happened and it never did again. Things were fine for a very long time. We usually fight but nothing too much.

After a while and because we love each other we got married, and he changed. He is not working. I am the one who provides, and still I am the one to blame for everything. He does nothing and now very often he gets super angry and starts yelling and hitting me hard--never anything so super lethal but still it hurts and he calls me all awful names, the worst ever. And he blames me for all the things that he leave for me, and compares me to the other woman. According to him I am to blame for all his pains and sorrows.

And the worst part of all is that in these episodes that he has he starts taking his things and says he's going to leave, and I beg him to stay. And damn after he calms down and apologizes to me and everything seems to be back to normal and he is loving again, I hate myself for being weak and stooping that low and actually beg him to stay.

Just how do I make him see that we can be fine that I do love him?

Response from Dr. DeFoore

Hello J, and thanks for telling your story here. One major factor for both you and your husband is that you shared a great loss. The loss of a child is deep and difficult, for both parents and for the marriage. If the grief is not dealt with in a thorough and healthy manner by both parents individually, and by the two parents together, the unresolved pain can become a barrier that separates you from each other. That sounds like what happened to you and your husband.

That being said, there is no excuse for his bad treatment of you, nor his irresponsibility. He needs to pull his own weight and do his share to support your household. And he has no right to blame you for all of his pain. Needless to say, the physical violence is completely unacceptable.

You are in a classic battered wife syndrome. Read everything on that page, and take the action recommended. You are the only person who can take care of you. You are worthy of respect and kindness in your marriage.

If you choose to stay in your marriage, I strongly encourage you to get counseling. If your husband will do the same, that would be good, but you need to get counseling regardless.

In response to your question, "Just how do I make him see that we can be fine that I do love him?" unfortunately, the answer is that you can't "make him see" anything, and your efforts to do so may cause the abuse to get worse. I'm sure you do love him, and I'm sure that inside, he's a good man. However, his treatment of you is unacceptable.

Make your own personal well being your top priority.

My very best to you,

Dr. DeFoore

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Comments for We Lost Our Baby And I Hate Myself For Loving Him

Thank you to the Doctor for his very good advise to you. It brought back memories of watching this same kind of abuse that my mother suffered and early in my marriage (until we went to counceling). I think as women we sometimes are so desperate to have the "white picket fence, loving husband, wonderful little kiddos" that we take "what we can get", rather than becoming the strong, self-reliant women that God made us. I agree with the doctor but I do think you saw the warning signs BEFORE you became involved with him fathering a child out of wedlock and then leaving them to their own devices. I've also seen what the death of a child can do in a family and like the doctor said, UNLESS you AND your husband get counceling to work through your grief, there's not much chance of things resolving. Perhaps a seperation would be a good thing for now, until your husband's angry reactions are delt with (and so you are safe). If you don't have a Christian church to go to, you might consider looking for a support group through one of them. Blessings to you J, I hope you get out of this vicious cycle and become a strong woman! Sheryl