Posts Tagged ‘cooking’

Some chefs have reached a level quite elite,But I can’t say that I am one of those;In every dish their skillful talent shows,While anything I make just tastes like feet.I tend to burn all sauces, eggs and meat,(Though chicken comes out pinker than a rose);My soup and sandwich sucks, my salad blows,Desserts look like I scraped them off the street.But there’s one food I make that’s not a crime,In fact it’s something many people want;Word that my toasted rings are so sublime,Has spread from California to Vermont;Come taste them and you’ll too realize that I’mAn onion bagel idiot savant.

20

06 2009

Yesterday the bagel bakerswapped shops with the pizza makerOne threw onioned dough up highlike it was a hand tossed pie,The other used a knife to thrustgaping holes in deep dish crustThe bagels came out of the fryerslooking like deflated tires,While pizzas became topping bowlsas melting cheese fell into holesNeither pleased the cerebellumbut no one had the heart to tell ’em

09

06 2009

See how the darkness overtakes the light,A blanket shadowing these balls of dough,They rise, arise again to higher height.Some men see plain as all that’s pure and bright,And when an onion drags this taste too low,See how the darkness overtakes the light.The skillful baker does not feel such fright,And adding flavor helps his crowds to grow,They rise, arise again to higher height.

He forms his seamless rings all through the night,Too rapt to ever through his lone window

See how the darkness overtakes the light.At dawn he sets his ovens to ignite,His spirits climbing with the fire’s glow,

07

06 2009

there ain’t no bagel like an oniony bagelcuz’ an oniony bagel’s got styleso when you see a young bakerpourin’ onions out his shakerthen ya’ gotta’ give that baker a smilei said 5-6-7-8get your bagel on my plategonna’ gonna’ eat mine, and then yoursgonna’ gonna’ eat mine, and then yours

04

06 2009

this is important:the water must be warmthe yeast must be drythe dough must rise for about an hourthis means something:i call but no answeri wait for the tonei try again in thirty minutesthis is important:the salt must be kosherthe onions must be toastedthe rings must rise again, half as long as beforethis means something:you say you’re not homeyour car’s in your drivewayyour silhouette’s in your window, dancingthis is important:the water must be sugaredthe sheet must be greasedthe oven must be preheated to 400 degreesthis means something:the fire alarms blarethe ambulance arrives latethe police say it was all an accident

23

05 2009

the hospital facilitiesare all state of the art,with sections for diseasesof the lungs, skin, brain and heartyet doctors aren’t the only oneswho meet such strict criteria,the bar’s set just as high downat the campus cafeteriathe freshest fruits and veggiesare brought in every day,and pastas, meats and cheesesform a dazzling buffetbut probably the choicest partwould be the bagel station,with every flavor known to manof ringéd dough temptationplain, egg, garlic, sesame,blueberry, everythingand countless others kneel beforethe mighty onion kingif you don’t want to taste all thator at least give just one lick,then turn around and see a nurse’cause you are truly sick

20

05 2009

In the beginningThere was toastAnd we lookedAnd we saw that it was okayGrain begat flourSeed begat onionThese begat doughWhich then formed a ringWe baked itWe broke itWe ate itIn remembrance of thenAnd in thanks of how far we’d come

16

04 2009

It’s okay if the sour cream has turnedor if the sautéed garlic got completely burnedDon’t worry that the avocado’s blackor that the roasted peppers liquified right in their sackWho really cares if the cheese is mostly moldor the center of the chicken breast is still a little cold‘Cause even the vilest, most revolting diptastes pretty damn good on an onion bagel chip