With pressure mounting on A&Es, and the 111 helpline in such a bad state it has had to ring 999, the government has announced that patients will be offered consultations with their GPs via Skype. If you're worried about how this might work in practice (or outside the practice), here's a handy Q&A:

How will the initial identity check to see if you qualify for treatment via Skype work? The first thing the doctor will do is ask if you're a hard-working person. Always answer yes, even if you're a pensioner or have recently emerged from a 17-year coma (comas now being viewed by the Department for Work and Pensions as the worst kind of sponging on the state).

Will I be asked to undress? Possibly – so always make sure you're talking to a real doctor and not someone from a porn site. If they're called Dr Hardlove or Dr Bumpengrind you should not remove your clothes for them. Being deceived into taking off your clothes for medical reasons is known in the porn trade as a "top-down reorganisation".

What if I don't look that ill? Will the doctor think I'm wasting their time? Don't worry about that – everyone looks ill and washed-out on Skype. You can also change your Skype name to something that might attract a doctor's sympathy and/or attention, like OnlyOneLung, Bubonic, or JeremyHunt.

Is the consultation fully confidential? Yes, online consultations are strictly between you, your doctor, GCHQ and the NSA.

What if I need further treatment? Under the government's new plans, if your GP feels that you need further treatment they will instantly arrange for you to Skype your nearest A&E. After a wait of, on average, six hours, you'll be asked to wait several more hours before a quick Skype with a junior doctor who's already had to Skype 700 people for 19 hours without a break. Alternatively, if you're really ill, your GP will get you to Skype Atos who'll tell you you're fine and make you get back to work instantly.

What if I require surgery? Don't worry, surgery will now also be done via Skype. The surgeon will talk you through everything. It's best to have on hand some needles, scalpels and a family member who won't faint or throw up when they cut into your flesh.

Is this actually a good idea? On the downside, it's estimated GPs will lose 200,000 working hours a year repeating the words "Can you hear me?" and dealing with that awkward pause between saying goodbye and clicking to sign off. On the upside, it's an eye-catching headline to hide a catalogue of other failings. And if you still want to see a doctor face-to-face, the government's fine with that. Just go private.