Monday, November 17, 2014

Journal Post: A Dark Realization

I am going to step off of my soapbox for a few minutes and focus on me. This past weekend, with the help of my fiancé, my best friend, and my therapist, I came to a very dark realization; my views on death are horrific at best. It's no wonder I struggle with the deaths of those I love. It's no wonder I mourn for so long and so deeply. With what I finally was able to admit to myself and others this weekend, it's no wonder that I fear death so much and view death as the enemy.

I know I have talked about death on here before on this post. But at that time I could only vocalize my fear and hatred for death; I couldn't, or wouldn't vocalize why. I struggled with not understanding or knowing what happens when we die, or at least I thought I did, and my analytical brain couldn't accept on faith that we just go to "a better place" and that everything magically turns out sunshine and roses.

I brought up this struggle to my therapist and he, being the fabulously sneaky psychologist that he is that I am so grateful I have found, asked a series of questions that led me to finally voice what I had been hiding for so long. What I really think happens when someone dies.

You see I view death as this horrific act, something that isn't peaceful or pleasant. I think when someone dies the pain continues, the physical and emotional. I think that person is then forced to watch as their loved ones suffer the loss of them, and they also feel the loss of their loved ones. I think the pain is like a ripping force unlike any other we could ever imagine, and I think the sense of loss of life is unimaginable. I don't find any comfort in death.

This, of course, explains a whole lot about why death affects me so much and why I grieve so deeply. It also is not very healthy, and I get that. My therapist says I am stuck in a sort of purgatory, especially after having lost so many people in my life. He says that with each loss my theory on what happens we die gets stronger, and as my theory gets stronger my grief gets worse. So basically I am in a vicious cycle and I can't get out on my own. Basically I am living in my own personal hell that my mind created based on my experiences with death, that and my extremely over active imagination despite the lack of horror movies, books, or any other overly graphic input.

All of this also explains a lot of my nightmares about separation and loss. It explains all of the horrendous things that happen to my friends and family when I close my eyes, whether I am awake or asleep. It may also explain my severe separation anxiety. So basically, if I could find a way to work through this...it could break down a lot of the barriers that are holding me back in life.

I know it won't be easy. I know it's going to mean challenging myself and confronting a lot of fears head on. I also know I have people by my side who love me and will be there for me through it all no matter what. And I love them for it.