I have been the coach of the Minu­tiæ Cycling Team for the past decade. It has recent­ly come to light that all mem­bers of the Minu­tiæ Cycling Team have been par­tic­i­pat­ing in enhance­ment per­for­mance, and the team has been banned from all inter­na­tion­al com­pet­i­tive cycling events by the Inter­na­tion­al Cycling Union. Not only are we sad­dened by the loss of our chance to rep­re­sent Minu­tiæ on the world stage, but we are ashamed that we let down our fans. With that in mind, we would like to offer our sin­cere apol­o­gizes and explain how our rac­ers engaged in ille­gal prac­tices.

Three mem­bers of the team were involved in dop­ing using a sophis­ti­cat­ed cock­tail of ery­thro­poi­etin, human growth hor­mone, cor­ti­sone, giant moose semen, blood trans­fu­sions, testos­terone and plas­ma. This was a com­mon prac­tice amongst the men, who came to call them­selves “The Three Drug-migos,” “Three Men and a Dop­ing,” and “The Three Dope-ske­teers.” The men, who also liked to be called “Three Pence None the Drug­gi­er”, have accept­ed plea bar­gains with the USDOJ and the drug traf­fick­ing charges have been dropped.

In addi­tion to those three team mem­bers, rid­er SeÃ±or Fartsin­mouths turned out to be none oth­er than three gig­gling sug­ared-up 8-year olds in a trench coat. How we did not notice this ear­li­er, I can only attribute to Señor Fartsin­mouths’ incred­i­ble win streak and impec­ca­ble pub­lic per­sona at press con­fer­ences and in tele­vi­sion guest spots on The Office, Secret Life of the Amer­i­can Teenag­er and NCIS. The 8-year olds are being returned to their respec­tive orphan­ages with bel­lies full and cheeks rosy.

Fur­ther­more, we learned that the Cana­di­an broth­ers XJ3 and XJ4 were actu­al­ly sen­tient solar-pow­ered bicy­cles. These decep­tive con-robots were beloved mem­bers of the team, always rais­ing moral on the road with their hilar­i­ous antics and rip-roar­ing Blues Broth­ers impres­sion. They have now com­mit­ted their lives to being part of the secret Cana­di­an spe­cial-ops mil­i­tary force The Toron­to Maple Leaves.

Final­ly, I take full respon­si­bil­i­ty for not being a more strin­gent coach in my fail­ure to notice the chee­tah, the Loud Gay Man in Neon Span­dex on Rollerblades with a Boom­box, and the Red Bull NASCAR pace car, each of which had become such inte­gral parts of the Minu­tiæ Cycling Team. The UCI has right­ful­ly stripped us our record 34 wins, and in the com­ing months we can only hope to begin to rebuild our lives and your trust.