Ok, so I have seen a lot of horror movies in my day and I have HAD IT with the stupid fucks who are in them. Clearly, no one in a horror film has ever actually SEEN one of the bloody things, so there are a few things I have to clear up for those of you who might find yourself in a horror movie type situation

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o If there is some legend about some town / monster / tape, whatever that will kill you if you go anywhere near it, pay attention! Don’t be a fucking smart ass and do it anyway. Smart asses get killed first, believe to survive.

o If you happen to be driving on a backroad in bumfuck America and your car breaks down, the abandoned looking house is NOT where you want to stop. Neither is the oddly placed, poorly lit motel, the butcher shop, or anywhere else not well lit with clean people and WITNESSES. Not that complicated.

o Skinny dipping will get you murdered. No discussion needed.

o If Mr. Chainsaw is chasing you through a house at some point you will enter the main level and be presented with a choice, run upstairs, or run outside. GO THE FUCK OUTSIDE, I’m pretty sure you can’t take Leatherface in a close quaters hand-to-chainsaw deathmatch.

o Ladies: if you find yourself in any kind of horror movie situation, lose the heels. Why? Because when Mr. Machete comes lumbering through the forest hoping to borrow some beef jerky and your still beating heart you will inevitably trip and fall, and assuming your boyfriend has any sense he sure as hell isn’t going to stop to help you change into some flats

o Investigating odd sounds, much like skinny dipping, will get you murdered. You did not just get out of the Mystery Maching and this is not fucking Scooby Doo.

o Do not go camping at Crystal Lake, do not go camping on Friday the 13th, don’t live on Elm Street, don’t visit Texas swampland, and for the love of god, if someone you don’t know asks “would you like to play a game” say NO.

o Forget what I said about not camping at crystal lake, don’t go camping period. Nature sucks. Everything that exists in nature wants to kill you.

o If you do decide to go camping, bring a large knife, or a gun, and learn how to use the fucking thing.

o Phones don’t work. They never work. The lines are cut, the power is out, you dropped it in the lake before going skinny dipping, you’re trying to make a call on an iPhone, whatever, it just doesn’t fucking work, so stop wasting time with the thing and run.

o Furthermore, if you do gain access to a phone, police are worthless to you anyway. If you don’t believe me, call the cops, and order a pizza, and see who gets there first. That kind of time difference is really noticeable when Jonny Stabs A Lot is hunting you down.

o DOUBLE TAP. This is a simple one. This was listed, FUCKING LISTED, in Zombieland. If you think you’ve got Jason laid out, don’t poke him with a stick, don’t start getting undressed, don’t do anything except put an extra round right between the eyes, then get your passport ready and move somewhere where a big man in a hockey mask would stand out (good: Japan, China, Spain, bad: Russia, Canada, The Verizon Center)

o In case of zombies

+ If your friend, spouse, or secret love child gets bit, they are NOT your friend anymore. Kill them, or leave them. Warning: If you leave them, they will find you.

+ Zombie children are zombies first, children second, handle them appropriately

+ If you work for a government and you hear one isolated place is being overrun by zombies, don’t send in the military. That makes MORE zombies. It’s your damn fault the zombies are here because you were probably doing something stupid like weaponizing rabies or trying to cover up your latest sex scandal. So grow a pair and clean up your mess with a healthy serving of napalm strikes.

+ In the same vein, if you’re on the ground when zombies break out, there are a few things you should know. 1. Shotguns are your friend, 2. You fall behind you get left behind, 3. The “safe zone” doesn’t fucking exist, nor will it until the napalm gets here

o Token minority: Sorry man.

* Finally: Your pet will be fucking FINE. Nothing ever kills the pet, ever, EVER. No one else gives a shit about your gerbil, and if he wanderers through murderland, fuck him. Just understand that if YOU go into murderland your body is going to be occupying the same space as teeth, machetes, knives, and one million billion bullets.