TMS outline- David Ogden Stiers

For those of you who don't recognize the name, Stiers came to fame as the snooty, Harvard-educated surgeon Maj. Charles Emerson Winchester III, for which he was twice Emmy-nominated. He has also guest starred on numerous TV shows, and does voice work in Disney animated movies, most notably as Cogsworth in "Beauty and the Beast" and the evil Governor Radcliffe and his lackey in "Pocahontas". Stiers is also an accomplished, self-taught singer and orchestra conductor. On Broadway, he featured in the 1974 Stephen Schwartz musical "The Magic Show" (singing arguably the show's best song, "Style"), the show that launched the international career of magician and TMS guest star Doug Henning. More info can be found here.

Submitted for your approval:

"It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, David Ogden Stiers! YAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!"

SPECIAL GUEST STAR: DAVID OGDEN STIERS

STYLE: SEASON FIVE (circa Gladys Knight, Marty Feldman)

COLD OPENING: Pops is waiting for his TV dinner to cook. David enters.

Pops: "David Ogden Stiers! Great to have you here! Will you be staying long?"

David: "Just this one night. Why, how long do guest stars usually stay?"

Pops: "Depends on what they get roped into."

David: "Well, I don't intend to get roped into anything."

(A lasso lands around him, and drags him away.)

Pops (calling after him): "Doesn't quite work that way!"

OPENING THEME: Lips is in the 'O', playing a riff. A miffed Gonzo enters.

Gonzo: "Hey, I'm working this beat!"

(Lips plays a loud note in Gonzo's face. Gonzo falls out of frame.)

CURTAIN: Kermit announces David Ogden Stiers as the guest star, and announces a special treat coming up later in the show: a Spring fashion show featuring the designs of the legendary Maurice DuFarge!

OPENING NUMBER: "I Can See Clearly Now"- Muppet bats, upside-down in their cave, with three Whatnot spelunkers

Statler: "My eyesight may not be what it used to be, but I can still see one thing clearly."

Waldorf: "What's that?"

Statler: "That they oughta turn the lights out on this show!"

(S & W laugh.)

BACKSTAGE: Maurice DuFarge (David in a dual role) is preparing for his Spring fashion show. Gonzo thinks the guy is brilliant, and tries to get in on the show, offering his own designs, and DuFarge humors him, but is only stringing him along.

SKETCH: "Roman Legion Band"- David plays Emperor Nero, conducting band practice for the Roman Legion Band in preparation for the annual Roman Legion Regatta and Parade- SONG: "Three Coins in the Fountain"- Nero takes the solo

BACKSTAGE: Kermit tries to break it to Gonzo that Maurice DuFarge isn't interested in his designs, but Gonzo is too excited to listen.

VET'S HOSPITAL- a bat is the patient

Announcer: "And now, Veterinarians' Hospital, the continuing stooooory of a quack who's gone to the dogs."

Dr. Bob: "So, who's the first patient?"

Janice: "Here he is, Dr. Bob. He's a bat."

Dr. Bob: "Oh. Shouldn't he be out at the ballpark?"

Piggy: "Dr. Bob, this isn't a BASEBALL bat."

Bat: "That's all right. I had an uncle who was an umpire."

Dr. Bob: "You mean he went around drinking blood?"

Piggy & Janice: "Ooo..."

Bat: "Only when one of the fans socked him in the jaw."

Dr. Bob: "Heh heh heh!"

Piggy: "Dr. Bob, you're thinking of a VAMPIRE bat."

Dr. Bob: "Yeah, come to think of it this sketch reminds me of a vampire."

Janice: "How so?"

Dr. Bob: "Because neither one should see the light of day!"

(They all laugh.)

Dr. Bob (to bat): "Well, what can we do for you?"

Bat: "I'd like to get some glasses."

Dr. Bob: "Okay, but what would you like to drink? Heh heh heh!"

(Piggy & Janice shake their heads.)

Janice: "Dr. Bob, this patient needs an eye exam."

Dr. Bob: "Well, I hope he studied for it!"

Piggy & Janice: "Ooo..."

(Dr. Bob holds up a chart.)

Dr. Bob: "All right, read the first 3 lines of this chart."

Bat: "What chart?"

Dr. Bob: "...I see."

Bat: "Good, 'cause I don't. I sure wish you'd point it out to me."

Piggy: "Wait a minute. Don't bats use echoes to get around?"

Dr. Bob: "I doubt it. Most people use cars and public transportation to get around! Ha ha ha!"

Piggy: "Oh brother."

Bat: "You don't understand, I wanna be able to see where I'm going."

Dr. Bob: "It's too late now, you're already in this sketch and there's nothing you can do about it."

(The bat flies up out of the set.)

Dr. Bob: "Hmm, there goes that theory."

Janice: "Hey, watch out for the-"

(CRASH! The bat falls with a scream.)

Janice: "Lights."

Announcer: "And so we come to the end of another Veterinarians' Hospital. Tune in next week when you'll hear Nurse Piggy say-"

Piggy: "Dr. Bob, is the bat all right?"

Bat: "I'm fine, except for the double vision."

Dr. Bob: "How's that for results? He comes in to see me, and already he's seeing TWICE as much! Heh heh heh!"

(Piggy and Janice shake their heads.)

UK SPOT: "Breeze"- a Whatnot man sings, while everything and everyone around him is blowing away (including and especially his gal- "breeze... that blew my gal away...")

BACKSTAGE: Gonzo keeps foisting designs (unseen to the audience) on DuFarge, who finally brushes him off. SONG: "Style"- he sings, accompanied by the Electric Mayhem and three sneering chorus girls (red-lit backstage). Kermit witnesses the latter part of it, and afterward, throws DuFarge out. Enter David from his dressing room.

David: "Hey Kermit, what's all the noise out here? Something the matter?"

Kermit: "Oh, I'm sorry about that David. We just had a rather unfriendly situation pop up."

Gonzo: "Yeah, that DuFarge guy was a real nasty."

Kermit: "I threw him out."

David: "Well good. We don't need people around like that anyhow." (He retires to his dressing room.)

Gonzo: "Yeah, we can do the fashion show ourselves!"

Kermit: "What?!"

Gonzo: "Sure, I've got LOTS of designs, and they won't take but a few minutes to get ready! Out with DuFarge, in with GONZO!"

(Kermit is seriously worried. Gonzo, not noticing, puts his arm around Kermit.)

Gonzo: "Isn't it great to have friends who come through for you?"

Kermit (sarcastic): "Yeah, one of the hallmarks of living."

MUPPET SPORTS- intro sequence

Lewis: "Hello there, sports fans, this is Lewis Kazagger welcoming you to the wiiild world of Muppet Sports! Today finds us in Round 3 of the National Duck Bowling Semi-finals."

(Naturally, the 'balls'- to whit, the ducks- start flying all over the place, until they finally knock the bowlers into the pins.)

Lewis: "And that's all for now from Muppet Sports!"

BACKSTAGE: Gonzo is readying the fashion show. The chickens are all going to the stage in their robes.

Kermit: "Everything all ready?"

Gonzo: "Ready, willing, and mabel!"

Kermit: "Good luck, Gonzo."

(Gonzo salutes Kermit.)

Gonzo: "We who are about to die, salute you!"

(He goes to the stage.)

Kermit: "Appropriate choice of words."

(Kermit goes to the stage.)

CURTAIN: Kermit enters.

Kermit: "Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I have an important announcement. Ah, due to a conflict of interest, we will not be having a Maurice DuFarge exclusive fashion show tonight. But on the quote "bright side", unquote, we are pleased and forced to announce that a fashion show WILL henceforth take place, under the direction of our own Gonzo the Great. And so here it is, The Gonzo the Great Spring Fashion Show!"

SPRING FASHION SHOW: Gonzo presents his 'spring' fashion show- all the outfits (worn by chickens, natch) are made out of springs!

Waldorf: "What do you think of those outfits?"

Statler: "I like 'em!"

Waldorf (surprised): "You do?"

Statler: "Yeah, with those springs they'll be easier to bounce on out of here!"

(S & W laugh.)

CLOSING NUMBER: "Blue Moon"- David, as a greaser, sings the tune to teenybopper Piggy (decked out in ponytail and poodle skirt) in a 1950s diner, accompanied by the Electric Mayhem, and backup singers Scooter, Rizzo, and Droop, while Gladys waits on the counter, and Pops sits there with the other patrons (including Lew Zealand and some Whatnots and Frackles), at first not caring for the music, then bopping and snapping his fingers to the beat.

Closing Set (Diner): Kermit enters.

Kermit: "Well the moon is high, and the show is nigh, so that can only mean that it's time to bring out our wonderful guest star, ladies and gentlemen, David Ogden Stiers! YAAAAAYYY!!!"

(David enters, still in leather jacket but sans wig.)

David: "Thank you, Kermit. I've had a wonderful time."

Kermit: "Oh I'm so glad."

(Gonzo whooshes in.)

Gonzo: "Hey, Dave, are you interested in suiting up with a new Gonzo original?"

OPENING NUMBER: "I Can See Clearly Now"- Muppet bats, upside-down in their cave, with three Whatnot spelunkers

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What is a spelunker?

SKETCH: "Roman Legion Band"- David plays Emperor Nero, conducting band practice for the Roman Legion Band in preparation for the annual Roman Legion Regatta and Parade- SONG: "Three Coins in the Fountain"- Nero takes the solo

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Which muppets appear in this sketch?

UK SPOT: "Breeze"- a Whatnot man sings, while everything and everyone around him is blowing away (including and especially his gal- "breeze... that blew my gal away...")

Click to expand...

Which other muppets appear in this number, besides the singing whatnot man and his gal?

MUPPET SPORTS- intro sequence

Lewis: "Hello there, sports fans, this is Lewis Kazagger welcoming you to the wiiild world of Muppet Sports! Today finds us in Round 3 of the National Duck Bowling Semi-finals."

(Naturally, the 'balls'- to whit, the ducks- start flying all over the place, until they finally knock the bowlers into the pins.)

Lewis: "And that's all for now from Muppet Sports!"

Click to expand...

Which other muppets appear in this "Muppet Sports" sketch?

CLOSING NUMBER: "Blue Moon"- David, as a greaser, sings the tune to teenybopper Piggy (decked out in ponytail and poodle skirt) in a 1950s diner, accompanied by the Electric Mayhem, and backup singers Scooter, Rizzo, and Droop, while Gladys waits on the counter, and Pops sits there with the other patrons (including Lew Zealand and some Whatnots and Frackles), at first not caring for the music, then bopping and snapping his fingers to the beat.

Click to expand...

Which other muppets and frackles appear in this number, besides Piggy, Scooter, Rizzo, Droop, Gladys, Pops and Lew Zealand?

Which other muppets appear in this number, besides the singing whatnot man and his gal?

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Whatnots and a bird (flying against the wind).

Which other muppets appear in this "Muppet Sports" sketch?

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Just Whatnots as bowlers.

Which other muppets and frackles appear in this number, besides Piggy, Scooter, Rizzo, Droop, Gladys, Pops and Lew Zealand?

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You did see that the Electric Mayhem is in this, yes? Besides them, there's some Whatnots, the purple Season Five frackle, and the blue-green Season Five frackle.

1. What did Gonzo mean by "ready, willing, and mabel!"?
2. For VH, who does the bat's voice?

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1) It's an old expression, basically saying 'ready to go'. It used to be "ready, willing, and able", but ever since someone decided to slip the name Mabel in, it's sorta stuck. Pity no one uses the expression anymore.

CLOSING NUMBER: "Blue Moon"- David, as a greaser, sings the tune to teenybopper Piggy (decked out in ponytail and poodle skirt) in a 1950s diner, accompanied by the Electric Mayhem, and backup singers Scooter, Rizzo, and Droop, while Gladys waits on the counter, and Pops sits there with the other patrons (including Lew Zealand and some Whatnots and Frackles), at first not caring for the music, then bopping and snapping his fingers to the beat.

LOl, that was great; the few times I've had time to read I've loved your ideas. I thought maybe S&W might accuse Dr. Bob of steaaling their lines when he jokes about "neither one should see the light of day, - I don't recall enough of the Muppet Show to know, though, maybe Rowlf did those jokes as Dr. Bob, too. I only really know the main Muppets.

Gonzo in a fasion show is great.

I follow few celebrities - pay most attention to the fictional universes created by the TV shows that were on, so I don't know what I'd do with certain performers. However, if you can come up with something for William Shatner I'd really thinkt hat would be cool. Or Leonard Nimoy.

And, yes, I hve a few small ideas for a sequel to my last Elmo's World parody, where Kiersten might get Elmo to say "I", but not enough yet for a full sketch. Maybe soon, I don't know.

LOl, that was great; the few times I've had time to read I've loved your ideas. I thought maybe S&W might accuse Dr. Bob of steaaling their lines when he jokes about "neither one should see the light of day, - I don't recall enough of the Muppet Show to know, though, maybe Rowlf did those jokes as Dr. Bob, too. I only really know the main Muppets.

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As far as I can remember (and I can remember pretty well, I have all 120 episodes), that joke was never used before on TMS.

The Roman Legion band Whatnots would be played by all the puppeteers, as would the characters in the closing number and the bats and spelunkers in the opening number.

I hadn't decided who performs the Whatnot man in the closing number as I didn't envision it in anybody else's voice but Leon Redbone's (who sang the only version of the song I've heard). The Whatnot man would look like the character who sang "Girlfriend of the Whirling Dervish" on the Marty Feldman episode, only less Arabic (that character, after all, looked a little like Leon Redbone, what with the glasses, mustache and hat). Let's say for now that Richard Hunt performs him.

the other whatnots and bird in the UK Spot: Various Muppeteers with Steve Whitmire as the bird
the Muppet Sports ducks and whatnots: Various
the chickens: Various
the whatnots and frackles in the closing number: Various

Gorgon Heap, you've used Gladys as the Muppet Theater's canteen lady in your Season 5 outlines, even though she stopped appearing on the show after the first half of Season 3 and was replaced by Winny in Season 4.

So, in the Season 5 outlines, maybe you should replace Gladys with Winny.

That thought has occurred to me, but considering they only used Winny in one episode, I always kind of disregard it. I mean, she was even less of a regular than Gladys. And anyway, although I do specify the timeline, part of the joy of fanfics is breaking the real-life rules (at least the ones that casual fans won't notice).