by:kate28 (11/04/2009)
Today we salute you,
Mr. Sports Fan Face Painter.
Unlike Van Gogh or Rembrandt,
You use yourself as the canvas.
Half yellow.
Half green.
But all heart.
(look at meeee)
As if weighing 400 pounds didn't call enough attention to yourself,
You had to go shirtless,
And paint yourself bright orange.
(I SAID look at meeee)
And you top it all off with a rainbow wig,
Oversized sunglasses,
And absolutely no shame.
(no SERIOUSLY I said look at meee)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Mr. Sports Fan Face Painter.
And know,
We'll keep cheering for you,
Until we are orange, purple, or blue in the face.

by:kate28 (10/16/2009)
Today we salute you, Mr. Nudist Colony Activity Coordinator.
Wearing nothing but a whistle and a clipboard
You're living the real American dream:
Getting paid to think up fun things to do...
Naked.
(Runnin' free!)
Sure there's danger-
Vinyl chairs,
Sunburns,
Chaffage...
And lawn darts?
Completely out of the question.
(Watch out now!)
Your keen instincts tell you to stick to activities that involve lots of bouncing and jiggling.
And if that doesn't work, who cares?
You're all naked.
(It's your birthday!)
So crack open an ice-cold Bud Light, Nudie Boy,
Because we all know,
When the going gets tough,
The tough get naked.

by:kate28 (10/16/2009)
Today we salute you, dude,
Mr. Really So Special Birthday Celebrator.
Some say you're a year older,
Some say a year wiser,
And some say,
Why is a 51-year-old still celebrating their birthday?
(because I can)
Some people wish for fame.
Some wish for fortune.
Your wish:
A date with a supermodel.
Or at the very least,
A phone line in your parents' basement.
(and cable tv)
Tonight you and your friends will party in the roped-off section of the hottest club in town,
Except in your case,
It's the line to get inside.
(let us in)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Oh Admiral of the Ageless.
Because even though you're 51,
You'll always be number 1 with us.
(happy birthday to youuuu)

by:kate28 (10/16/2009)
Today we salute you,
Stressed out college student,
During exam week.
As you sit in your lonely cubical in the library,
Doped up on Starbucks & Aderol,
You think to yourself,
"Am I ever going to need to know this stuff in life?"
The distractions are tempting,
And you have suddenly diagnosed yourself with ADD,
Along with advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage.
I'm sure by now you know exactly what everyone is doing because you have checked your buddy list 800 times.
Christmas break is just days away,
And your Prozac prescription will be in tomorrow.
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light after that last exam,
Because for most of us,
Christmas will be spent in rehab.