John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

You don’t have the power to make an alcoholic stop drinking, and all the love in the word can’t repair someone else’s mental health. (Published 1/22/2013)

Q:

I just found out my ex husband died. I've had a feeling for a long time he had passed. I decided to look and was still very much shocked to find his name in the obituaries. He was 31. I stayed with him for a long time since I knew if I left him he would die. He was an alcoholic and I believe bi-polar. I feel guilty about his passing, like I could have done more. I'm having a lot of regrets about the way I treated him after our divorce. We got divorced the first time he tried to choke me. He didn't want me to move on and kept harassing me. But at this moment all I can remember are the good times. I have so many feelings going thru me. Please help

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and for trusting us with your emotions.

It's not uncommon to be greatly affected by the death of a former spouse, even when the circumstances of the marriage weren’t as difficult is in yours.

The overriding generality about divorce is that at the ending of the relationship there were obviously some or many things that didn’t work out. Those things often take the form of broken promises, and the things that did and didn’t happen—on both sides. And the divorce always includes the end of the hopes, dreams, and expectations we had for our future with our mates.

Put that all together and it defines grief—but more accurately, it explains and defines unresolved grief. Unresolved because with the divorce comes the end of the possibility of repairing what was wrong. Because of his drinking and possible bi-polar issues—which of course you were unable to repair—the relationship had to end.

Yes, it's possible you might have been able to do more, but that may not be realistic. We’re sure you learned the hard way that you don’t have the power to make an alcoholic stop drinking, and all the love in the word can’t repair someone else’s mental health.

Also, yes, at times like this, we know how easy it is to kind of overlook all the horrible—and even life-threatening—events, and focus only on good times and sweet things. But the truth, as you well know, is that it was a difficult and dangerous place for you to be and you had to get out for your own safety.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you do that, you will be guided to remember everything in the relationship, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

You can only become emotionally complete with the whole truth, not just selected bits.

And we want you to know that that range of “so many feelings going through” you is normal and natural, especially in light of what has happened.

From our hearts to yours.

Russell And John

John and Russell, anonymous from NV has submitted a question to the Tributes.com Grief Recovery Institute Guidance Center at 02:05 EST on 06-10-2011. anonymous can be reached at lawetzki1@yahoo.com. The question reads: I just found out my ex husband died. I have had a feeling for a long time he had passed. I decided to look and was still very much shocked to find his name. He was 31. I stayed with him for a long time since I knew if I left him he would die. He was an alcoholic and I believe bi polar. I feel guilty of his passing. Like I could have done more. I am having a lot of regrets on the way I treated him after our divorce. we got divorced the first time he tried to choke me. He did not want me to move on and kept harassing me. But at this moment all I can remember are the good times. I have so many feelings going thru me. Please help

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