Man, I have been freaking out all day. All this anxiety surfacing, little flashes of images that I jump at, staring around at everyone like they're about to jump me I must look like a paranoid freak! Not that this is so unusual really, it's just one of those days when something seems like it wants to just burst out of my chest and I start arguing in my head. I have body memories of feeling ripped in half and trying to hold my body together so that my insides wouldn't fall out (what my 8 year old mind thought). These memories clash with the attorney in my head who tells me I'm just making it up, look at how pathetic I am, what a worthless excuse for a man, more like a little "faggot."

You know a really weird thing about all of this? When the anxiety starts to go back down, I itch like crazy all over my body. What the hell is that about?

I can't confront anyone even if I wanted to, as my probable abuser was my older brother who died 18 years ago. Good riddance. I'm very forgiving, huh? But man, he was such an asshole, keeping me scared of him all of the time, getting such pleasure out of pinning me to the ground and playing with my face, or out of tricking me into doing bad things and then making me feel guilty about them--FUCK HIM!

Jesus, have I made any progress at all? I quit listening to heavy music that was blocking much of this anxiety out a week ago, now I'm living from panic to panic, sort of. Not full blown panic, more like constant anxiety that flares up, I can count on it, usually at about 8:00 at night.

Can anyone relate to any of this?

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"I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand... Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?"--Ian Curtis, Joy Division

When you describe the "itchiness" all over your body, I am wondering if it might be triggered by a "body memory." Perhaps during your abuse (or on other occasions) you had to mobilize your adrenalin in order to go into survival mode. (This is the hormone that allows us to deal with stressful situations..."fight or flight.") It could be that when the adrenalin is subsiding (and you are "coming down" from the adrenalin rush) your body goes into itch mode. One of the reasons why this may be the case (but you may wish to ask your doctor the next time you're in for a visit or checkup) is that increased adrenalin depletes potassium and sodium (I just went and looked this up in our family medical reference guide).

I do want to reaffirm that eliminating the dark music is probably a good idea for a number of reasons, Jeff. While you may go through a period (like now) when things begin kicking up, my belief is that this will not last long, and you'll be on the other side of it. Have you started listening to more upbeat, inspirational stuff, or have you just stopped listening to music? (I recommend the former!)

One of your statements is a bit distressing, Jeff:

Quote:

the attorney in my head who tells me I'm just making it up, look at how pathetic I am, what a worthless excuse for a man, more like a little "faggot."

I have read some of your previous posts. Based upon your contributions, I wouldn't even give this "attorney in your head" the time of day, as you don't need to be giving yourself any negative messages. After all, you were a child who was sexually abused. You are not a faggot (whatever that really is!), and, in fact, you are an intelligent man who has taken control of his life and who has had the courage to confront all kinds of uncomfortable things in order to heal and to become whole.

The anxiety and "freaking out" kinds of things that are popping up for you right now are, I think, pretty typical for those of us who have been sexually abused. Just hang in there and know that you are not alone.

Thank you, Blackleaves and Don, so much. I am printing your responses out to put in my journal. It is such a powerful feeling to be validated and to know that others understand, when I have gone through so much of my life believing no one would understand.

By the way, Don, I am listening to quite a bit of music, mostly what many people refer to as "classic rock," but also some current rock bands such as Radiohead. I have actually felt an overwhelming surge of freedom to enjoy and explore this music, which I have always loved, further, now that I no longer feel fettered in the dark music which was my medication for so long.

Jeff

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"I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand... Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?"--Ian Curtis, Joy Division

I read your post and maybe i am reading more into it than you intended, but i got hung up on y9our statement that you could not confront anyone even if you wanted to. I am not so sure that is entirely correct, my abuser dissapeared on me, one of the ways i was able to speak my mind with him was to write letters to him, i wrote probably half a dozen that really helped me a lot to get a grip on what i was feeling and how he had affected me, i could not send them by mail cus i could not find him, so i burned them and sent them to him that way, there was something cathartic about going through the whole things for me and i thought i would mention it to you as a way of possibly confronting your brother.

I wish you the best, i too had what they called *free floating anxiety* it wasnt so free floating if you ask me, i know it was from all the fear from the abuse, my heart goes out to you.

John

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I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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