Fancy the flexibility of pavements along with the speed of the roads? Why not take up cycling?

Do you want the flexibility of being able to use pavements to circumvent red traffic lights, while also having the ability to build up a decent speed on the roads? Why not try the latest craze from Scandinavia – cycling!

Some of the latest models from Halfords even come with a bell or a horn so you can tell pedestrians to get out of the fucking way should they dare to encroach upon your sacred pedestrianised area.

No longer is it necessary to just approach them from behind at great speed and yell at them. What an age we are living in!

The UK Federal Federation Of Cyclists are even giving out a free starter pack to the next 5000 people to join, and this includes a handy card to give to people explaining that it’s not ‘Road Tax’ but actually ‘Vehicle Excise Duty.’

The reverse side of the card has a diagram from the Highway Code that shows how to overtake a cyclist safely, unless of course they are riding down the middle of the lane trying to emulate their ‘definitely not doping’ heroes in the ‘Tour’ or the ‘Vuelta’ or some other smugly-named borefest where grown men literally ejaculate at the roadside watching other grown men go up and down hills on carbon fibre two-wheeled twatwagons.

You even get one of those sports nutrition pouches that makes it look like you are on the verge of getting a hernia.

The biggest dilemma for any cyclist has to be that decision about whether or not to go out wearing a helmet-mounted Go Pro.

On the one hand, you have the ability to record any minor infraction while reading out the offending motorists number plate repeatedly like some kind of spiritual chanting, but on the other hand you are making yourself fractionally less aerodynamic, thus stopping you from shaving eight tenths of a second off your 10k road time and the opportunity to post about it on Facebook through your distance tracking smartphone app like an utter maroon.

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