Get down there and lick me like a man

All women are different when it comes to what it takes to get them off, but the fact of the matter is that 75% of women are unable to orgasm through penetration alone. Sadly, I am definitely part of that 75%. But on the bright side, I am not part of the 10% of women who have never climaxed at all. How horrifying would that be?

I’ve always enjoyed oral sex, but often found that it took too long to accomplish, and the guy would start to seem tired, and sometimes you just have to give up. I found that I actually sort of preferred using a hand (sometimes his, but more often my own) that can apply more direct pressure. But most of the time, I just wouldn’t come at all (although I’d still enjoy having sex). However, all of that changed with Demetrios I. The very first time we were intimate together, he went down on me, and it was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. I came. Hard. And so quickly and easily. It was like Demetrios was a virtuoso of my finely tuned viola. Absolutely electric and completely unlike the usual uphill–and, often, fruitless–struggle for the Big O I had come to expect from sex with a man. Demetrios would make me come twice, thrice or more with his tongue every single time we were together, and it was nirvana. I felt like a virgin, experiencing sex for the first time. I hadn’t realized it could be this good, that my body was even capable of that level of arousal.

Of course, the fact that he was a god in bed made the breakup with Demetrios even more devastating. In my fourteen years of having sex, I had never found a guy who was even remotely as good in bed as this one. How would I ever find a replacement? After two months of celibacy, I felt ready to try again, and the person I chose as my target, naturally, was Demetrios II. I guess I was hoping that Greek heritage somehow bestowed men with supernatural sex skills. Sadly, that turned out not to be the case. Demetrios II barely tried to get me off at all, and didn’t even kiss me down there. After his third orgasm (and my zeroeth), he wanted to know how the sex was, on a scale of 1-10. Mentally, I gave it a 2 but kept silent. “Did you orgasm all three times that we did it?” he asked.

Oh god, was he serious? “No, I didn’t come at all,” I told him gently. “I’m sort of tricky. I need direct clitoral stimulation.”

“Oh.” He seemed surprised. “You mean I should use my hand more?”

“Yeah, that’s good,” I said. “And I also like oral sex,” I hinted.

“Oh, I haven’t done that to you because, well, I’m an oncologist, and I know that the majority of throat cancers are caused by HPV caught through oral sex.”

What? He was refusing to go down on me? “But I’ve been vaccinated against HPV, and I’ve been tested and have never had an STD,” I told him. He did not indicate whether that made a difference or not, and we were done having sex for the night anyway, so I went home wondering whether I should even give him another chance to bring me to orgasm.

I’ve never before encountered a man who refused to go down on me, and frankly, I’m a little pissed. I’m implementing a new rule, right now, that I will never again sleep with a man before he licks me to orgasm. If he’s unwilling or unable to complete this task, then I might as well kick him out of bed sooner rather than later.

Is there anything that a man can do to make sure he’s successfully pleasing a woman down south? Well, one of the guys I’m dating (but haven’t slept with), Ethan the drummer recently told me about a very interesting book he had read. I think he was sort of embarrassed to tell me, but actually I thought it was sexy as hell and has set my imagination on fire ever since he mentioned it. The title of the book? She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. “Bringing a woman to orgasm has never been a problem since I read that book,” he told me confidently. Despite my initial impression that I wasn’t all that attracted to this guy, I’m now seriously rethinking that assumption and just may give him a chance to try out his oral skills. If the secret to mind-blowing sex is truly contained within a book, then I am going to begin buying copies by the boxful and distributing them to men everywhere. By my rough estimate, 90% of them have no idea what they’re doing and desperately need this information.

But in the meantime, what do I do with Demetrios II? I rather liked him and was hoping we could at least work on the sex. I suppose I have to respect his wariness of disease, so maybe I should bring some dental dams the next time I see him? I’ve never even used a dental dam before. Does it feel anywhere near the same? I’m guessing it does not, but it’s worth a try. Next time I’ll simply whip out a dental dam (or sheet of Saran Wrap) and announce that unless he licks me to orgasm, I’m leaving and never coming back.