to be alone or not to be alone

I’ve had two ‘alone-ness’ situations arise in the past week and a half. Patty has moved back to buffalo for six weeks and left me to my own devices. This is a perfect opportunity for me to sample life while living alone. On one hand, I really enjoy it. There’s no drama, no other messes to deal with. I am accountable to myself alone and don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. I also get alone time, which I never really got….at all. On the other hand, I find myself laughing alone to jokes and having no one to share it with. There is definitely an element of slight loneliness to living alone when you’re used to living with someone.

Then the second alone-ness element. The boy. I’ve known him for….a long time. I liked him….for a long time. I guess you could say it went away, but really I think I’ve always had a thing for him. And the thing I can’t decifer is whether I really like him or 1) I just like the idea of him and/or 2) I tend to like him when I don’t have anything else [read = anyone else] to focus my affections on.

The past two times I’ve hung out with him, I’ve been thinking to myself, “Emily, do you like him?” and I always answer, “yes”. But I really can’t trust myself. Here’s where we start going round and round….do I like him? or don’t I like him? I keep saying I need to ‘shit or get off the pot’, but I seem to be lingering at exactly the same place I’ve been for years.

The problem is this — in college, I REALLY liked him. No doubt about that. And there definite instances where he leaned into kiss me and I ran, RAN away. But college is not now. Just because he was thinking of me as more than a friend in the early 2000’s does not mean he feels the same way now. So how do I ascertain the difference? What if he’s just like me, been thinking about it all these years but we’re friends, so why rock the boat? And he DID try to kiss me, and I didn’t reciprocate so why would he think anything’s changed?

Oh god, I need to shut up. I feel like my legs are stuck in molasses and it’s getting dark outside, so I’m not quite sure which direction I’m supposed to be headed in. Stuck in molasses in the pitch dark — that’s my metaphor.

I need a kick in the head, that’s what I need.

So these are my dilemna’s of alone-ness. Do I live on my own once my lease is up, and do I finally make a move on the boy or just pine after him for another 8 years?