Finally! The TakakoxShuya crackfic that I've been meaning to write for quite a while now. If there is one crack pair in Battle Royale that I will ship officially, TakakoxShuya just might be it. Although the prospect of TakakoxShogo is quite tempting as well. And yes, TakakoxShinji is not crack, because there are proofs of its existence, no matter how one-sided it is. Ask for periberi's manifestoif you don't believe me.

For jenipunch, who loves Shuya Nanahara to bits.

Unbeta-ed, as always. Bite me.

Mentally Scarred for Life

She knew next to nothing about him, and what little she knew, she had heard from her best friend Hiroki, who happened to be a good friend of his. He knew too much about her, too much than he would have wanted, and what information he knew, he had heard from her best friend Hiroki, and Shinji, who secretly harbored feelings for her, and the other boys who took fancy of her but were too frightened for their lives to even as much as look wrongly at her direction.

Such were their relationship, or lack thereof, until their Biology professor, as a result of taking a shot of tequila one too many the previous night and thus coming to school with a massive hangover, randomly assigned pairs to report on the different systems in the human body.

"Nanahara," said professor called out, holding an ice pack against his forehead to ease the throbbing of his brain. "Female reproductive system, Friday."

Shuya looked up from his desk and blinked dumbly. Despite his popularity amongst his female classmates, he had never, not once, bothered to research on his own about the female anatomy. Such research was done by Shinji Mimura, who more or less needed the knowledge to avoid knocking up one of his makeout partners accidentally, or by Kazushi Niida, whose adventures with the fairer sex more or less ended with illustrated pictures.

"Ehhhhhh?" Shuya blurted suddenly, when it finally dawned upon him that he had to report on something he absolutely had no knowledge of. His face reddened as a ripe tomato good for the picking, and the other boys in class either snickered, laughed, or made inappropriate catcalls. Shinji smirked in his knowing way, Hiroki sweatdropped in pity for his friend, and both Kuninobu and Yutaka laughed good-naturally, unlike the lewd laughter coming for Kazuo's group.

"Is there a problem, Nanahara?" the professor asked, asterisks forming on his forehead. Shuya gulped, and not wanting to be the target of teacher cruelty for the rest of the afternoon, shook his head meekly and settled for silently wallowing in misery for his misfortune.

"Good," the professor replied. "And for your partner…" Half of the female population in Class B almost raised their hand to volunteer, Yukie and Noriko included. Others, like Mitsuko's group, chuckled at the back, and others, like Sakura and Kayoko, pitied him. Only one girl didn't give a damn, and was busy copying notes in her notebook. The professor spotted said girl, and realizing that she wasn't paying attention to him, got irked and decided to call her name instead.

"Chigusa."

Takako looked up from her notebook with a bored expression on her face, as if telling her professor that he shouldn't bother coming to class if he wasn't going to make sense anyway. This only irked the professor more.

"Partner with Nanahara," he finished, feeling satisfied with himself. But when he heard the disappointed sighs from the other girls, and saw the glare that Takako gave him, he almost wished he had not come to school that day at all.

Shuya walked inside the Chigusa household hesitatingly, as if each step he took was a step towards his grave. Takako pointed him to the living room, then headed towards the kitchen to prepare something to drink. Shuya sat down on the couch and silently cursed Hiroki for abandoning him the last minute. He was supposed to be his lifesaver, the buffer between him and Takako to make sure that said girl will not break her neck before the day was over. But Hiroki bailed out the last minute, just as they were about a block away from Takako's house, and said that he remembered that he had to pass by the dojo to get something.

That left Shuya to deal with Takako by himself, and he wished that they had brought Shinji along with them. He at least would have something to say to their pretty classmate, and Takako's wrath might transfer from him to the basketball ace, and thus will add another day in his life.

Takako came back a few minutes later, carrying two glasses of orange juice. Shuya, still not knowing what to do, nodded and thanked her for her generosity. He then started to compliment the paintings hanging on the walls, the numerous plaques and trophies in the shelves, and everything else he could comment on. Exasperated, Takako finally scowled, "I never said anything about being friends."

"R-right, right," Shuya answered, almost running out of the house in fear of his life. "Sorry, just making conversation."

Takako shrugged and headed to one of the bookshelves. She took out two thick books on human anatomy, and when Shuya stood up to help her carry them, she raised an eyebrow as if to say that she could carry two books by herself. Shuya sweatdropped and sat down again.

"Wow," he said when Takako placed down the books on the coffee table. "You have these kinds of books?"

Takako shrugged again. "My parents are both doctors," she said. "Books like these are common in the house."

Shuya was genuinely surprised. "Really?" he said. "Hiroki never mentioned that to me before."

Takako glared. "You guys been talking about me without my knowing?"

Shuya gulped. "J-just in passing," he said, shaking in fear. "And never about anything personal. And nothing bad. P-promise."

Because Shuya was Shuya, he was not offended, not in the least. Instead, he offered a huge grin, as if he was saying that he was willing to be friends with her if she wanted to be. Takako rolled her eyes again in response.

But Shuya, the ever-optimistic idiot, was unfazed. "You should hang out with us once in a while," he said, apparently getting over his initial fear to be castrated.

"I don't hang out with people I don't like," Takako answered. "It's a waste of brain cells."

Shuya sweatdropped. "You know, you could try being a little friendlier," he said hesitatingly. "You'll discover that there are people in our class who are willing to be friends."

Takako shrugged. "Don't give a fuck."

Shuya grinned. "Some even more than friends." The smug face of his friend popped in his mind.

Takako rolled her eyes. "Please," she said. "Why would I ever want to be more than friends with anyone from that class?"

Shuya frowned. "But there are a bunch of great guys in Class B!"

"Over-enthusiastic, aren't we?" Takako said, sarcastic.

"B-but," Shuya continued, not sure why he even bothered talking at all. "You're pretty, and you're smart, and well… what the hell am I saying…." To save himself from further humiliation, he took his glass and silently drank the juice Takako prepared for him.

Takako raised an eyebrow. "Careful Nanahara," she said, flipping a page from one of the books. "Next thing you know, you'd be chasing me like a little lovesick puppy, if you don't stop with those compliments of yours."

Shuya almost choked on his orange juice in response.

They worked quietly for a while, reading references and highlighting paragraphs they might need for the report. Finally, Shuya felt like his head was going to explode because of information overload. Stretching his arms above his head, he subconsciously said, "Man, I didn't know females have these!"

Takako glared at him, and it was all Shuya could do not to scamper away. "I, I mean," Shuya stammered, "Females, uh, they're really great… uhh… you know, having to deal with uhh… monthly periods?" He smacked himself mentally on the head. Of all the things to say! he scolded himself. Where in the world did you get that? He then stared at the page he was reading and realized where he had gotten the idea – he was reading about menstruation and about a woman's hormones.

Takako showed the first sign of a grin. "You wanna hear something totally cool?" she asked innocently, and Shuya thought that his life was just spared. Of course he had no idea that Takako grinning is equivalent to Takako pissed off as hell.

"What?" he asked, smiling that uneasy smile of his.

"Cramps," Takako answered simply.

"C-cramps?" Shuya frowned, not understanding what Takako was getting at.

"O-oh," Shuya stammered, not sure why Takako was telling him something like that. She was invading his personal space too much though, so much that he could already smell the scent of her cologne – a mixture of strawberry and mint. Shuya never thought he'd like Takako's scent, but he did. He vaguely wondered if it was possible to smell more of that cologne, until his mind automatically screamed betrayal for his two friends, both who harbored feelings for the pretty sprinter in front of him.

Takako nodded again. "You wanna know what?" she asked, tracing a small circle on Shuya's chest with her index finger.

Shuya shivered involuntarily at Takako's touch, and before he could stop himself, he suddenly stood up, gathered his things, and ran to the door. "I-I'll finish this research at home," he called, his face red as a tomato. "T-thanks for having me here!" And he ran out of the house, not even waiting for Takako to reply.

Takako chuckled and closed the books on the table. "They're for pimples, idiot."

The following day, Shuya was talking to Hiroki before the start of classes when Takako suddenly popped up behind him, grinning the same grin she had worn the previous afternoon.

"You ditched me yesterday," she said slowly, her eyes narrowing. "You didn't even wait for me to finish what I was saying."

Shuya took one good look at Takako, and promptly ran away, screaming for his life.

Hiroki looked incredulously at his screaming friend, who had disappeared in five seconds flat. He shifted his attention to his grinning best friend, and saw that the grin she was wearing wasn't the grin she wore when she was pissed off. It was the kind of grin that only a few people had seen, himself included. It was a grin that said that Takako Chigusa was actually amused.

"What just happened?" he asked, when Takako's grin did not disappear even when Shuya was no more.

Takako raised an eyebrow in mock innocence. Hiroki would have none of it.

"Seriously," he said, "What did you do to the poor guy?"

Takako chuckled as she looked at the direction Shuya had disappeared to. Shrugging, as if it was no big deal, she linked arms with Hiroki and proceeded to drag him towards their classroom for their morning classes.

"I think I just mentally scarred him for life."

END

And yes, Shuya found Takako pretty, in the novel, at least. I'm just too lazy to look it up right now.

I think I shall do a TakakoxShogo crackfic next time. Although, as things are as they are, it will take me months to even come up with a half-decent muse for that. Anywoot. Reviews?

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