10 things I learned from the new 'Planet of the Apes'

I watched “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” and “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” in quick succession last week, and I feel like I learned a lot about our potential simian future. For instance:

Pete Chianca

I watched “Rise of the Planet of the Apes” and “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes” in quick succession last week, and I feel like I learned a lot. Besides the fact that both movies were about 100 times better than they needed to be, and about 1000 times better than “Conquest of the the Planet of the Apes” (1972). Although "Conquest" was about 1.25 times better than “Battle for the Planet of the Apes” (1973), mainly because it had Ricardo Montalban and “Battle” didn’t, for some reason.

My favorite aspect of both of the new movies is how they made us root for the apes, or at least most of them, because let's face it, humans suck. But among the other things I learned (along with a few nagging questions) about our potential simian future:

1) If you’re going to perform intelligence-enhancing medical experiments on a chimpanzee, don’t pick the one that looks like a crazed killer-monkey, because he’s the one most likely to push you off a bridge later and then start an ape revolution in the sequel. I’m just saying.

2) Moviemaking technology has become beyond phenomenal -- it’s amazing how they made James Franco look like a real living being with actual emotions, almost.

3) Andy Serkis should be brought in to play every character in every movie -- just cover him with little sensors and add the faces in later. If that’s not feasible, let’s just do it with the Channing Tatum movies.

4) I’m sorry, but I can’t watch John Lithgow anymore without just assuming he’s going to break out into full “Third Rock from the Sun” alien hysteria mode. In fact, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the following scene could have been inserted right into the middle of "Rise," and nobody would have noticed.

5) As usual, it’s all Draco Malfoy’s fault. (What an a-hole.)

6) In the future, post-apocalyptic plague survivors will all suffer from terminal blandness. Except for Keri Russell’s hair, which will still be fabulous.

7) Horses will apparently let anybody up there. Just keep those oats coming.

8) What do apes have against linking verbs, anyway?

9) I wonder if James Franco felt bad about setting in motion the chain of events that resulted in the demise of humanity as we know it. No, not in these movies -- I’m talking about making “Oz the Great and Powerful.”

10) I don’t care how good these movies are, you still can’t get me to watch the one with Mark Wahlberg.