George Zimmerman: It Was "God's Plan" for Me to Kill Trayvon Martin

Hey, guys! Did you know George Zimmerman was on Fox News last night? Yeah, it was in like, a living room or something, and Sean Hannity, who couldn't be bothered to put a tie on because it's only national television, was asking Zimmerman weird yes-or-no questions, to which Zimmerman was giving weird, yes-or-no answers.

Zimmerman elaborated when it counted, though, don't worry, and now we know that not only does Zimmerman not regret getting out of his car and following an innocent teen around a neighborhood or subsequently shooting him in the chest but that what happened that night was "all God's plan." Brilliant.

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But would he do anything differently?

"No, sir," Zimmerman said.

If you do not believe that someone would just go on TV and say something so monolithically stupid, there is a YouTube video. He went back at the end of the interview, presumably because his lawyer punched him in the mouth during a commercial, and said, "I do wish there was something, anything I could have done that would have put me in the position where I didn't have to take his life." Nice save, George. And thanks for staring into the camera.

His other ingenius revelation: Zimmerman said he didn't know "Stand Your Ground" was actually a law. The guy who says he legally killed a kid didn't know the laws for legally killing kids.

In addition, neither Zimmerman nor Mark O'Mara, his lawyer, denied the molestation charges leveled against Zimmerman by a cousin. O'Mara said it would be "a nonissue in the trial." Hannity did not ask if Zimmerman did it.

Zimmerman also said, of Trayvon Martin's parents,"I am sorry that they buried their child. I can't imagine what it must feel like. And I pray for them daily." Phew. Prayer: Proven to work every time. Except, unfortunately, when it comes to resurrecting 17-year-olds.

Let's see... what else did he say? Ah: When asked why he thought Martin was suspicious, he said, "I felt it was suspicious because it was raining. He was in-between houses, cutting in between houses, he was walking very leisurely for the weather... He didn't look like a fitness fanatic that would train in the rain."

Hannity then asked about whether, when Zimmerman told the 911 dispatcher Martin was "running," if maybe it occurred to Zimmerman that maybe Martin was just running from the weird guy staring at him.

Zimmerman also said, when he told the dispatcher he was going to follow Martin, that it was really just a big, happy misunderstanding: "I meant that I was going in the same direction as him to keep an eye on him so that I could tell the police where he was going. I didn't mean that I was actually pursuing him."

Well, here's the clarification we've been looking for! Turns out Zimmerman has no idea what "following" means.

Zimmerman then kindly confirmed that yes, it was him calling for help on those 911 tapes, definitely not Martin, thank you.

Zimmerman, when prompted by Hannity, then said he wanted an apology from Spike Lee, who tweeted what he thought was Zimmerman's address, and the Rev. Al Sharpton, who is, uh, Al Sharpton.

"If I did something that was wrong," Zimmerman said, "I would apologize."

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