One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy ... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

'm so ugly ... My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry .... We did everything we could ...But he pulled through.

I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness ... AFTER I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ... "Do you think we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"
He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

My mother never breast-fed me. She told me she liked me as a friend.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Yes doctor, I am sick.Sick of those who are spineless.Sick of those who feel self-entitled.Sick of those who are hypocrites.Yes doctor, an army is forming.Yes doctor, there will be a war.Yes doctor, there will be blood.....