Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Community Service

POSTING:I need to get a job doing 100 hours of community service. Please e-mail me if you have work for me or can point me in the right place.

Roger to JustineGood afternoon,I saw your posting on-line and see you are looking to get 100 hours of community service. I enjoy helping troubled kids, and I can definitely help you out if you are willing to help me out.Just a few questions,By what date do you need to be finished with your 100 hrs?How old are you?Are you able to perform manual labor?Please let me know if you are interested.Have a good day!-Roger"Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women ..."Ezekiel 9.6

Justine to Roger

I have until around the 20th of March, im 18, and yes i can do manual labor. All depending on where the place is. what would i be doing?

Roger to Justine

Well it looks like you have a little under a month to get some sweat in your shorts!

I'm a working man who believes in second chances, so I don't care what you did or who you raped or murdered. That information is none of my business, but what my business is is sheep breeding. I operate a 20 acre sheep ranch about 20 minutes outside of Baldwin.
I have a flock of about 200 sheep, and of those 200 about 45 are rams who have reached their peak sexual maturity. If you know anything about sheep breeding you know that rams on the prowl for ewe can be quite aggressive. At age 55, Its not always easy for me to handle them and an extra hand would be appreciated.
Right now its just me and my 10 year old son Darius on the farm, but he is usually practicing stunts for upcoming movies.
If you'd like you could come by and I can give you a tour of the farm and demonstrate the type of work you will be doing.
Thanks,
Roger P

"Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women ..."

Ezekiel 9.6

Justine to Roger

sheep breeding??? r u serious? it does not sound like a thing i would want to do. thanks.

Roger to Justine

Justine,

Don't quit on me now. Its really not as bad as it sounds.

Your typical day would start around four when the sheep are still asleep. I would ride into the pen on my segway blasting an air-horn and shrieking like a banshee. This should wake up the majority of the sheep. As they awaken you'll be on foot with a baseball bat. As the sheep arise from their slumbers you will knock them out with a swift crack to the skull.

Don't worry, the sheep don't feel a thing because sheep don't have nerves in their heads. After all the sheep have been knocked out we'll break for lunch around one o'clock. Any sheep that you hit too hard will be taken into the kitchen. We'll then enjoy a meal of boiled mutton served in chicken beaks.

At 1:10pm, you'll drag the unconscious sheep into my upstairs guest bedroom, four at a time. I'll take it from there. In the meantime you'll need to give each ewe a full scrubbing in order to attract a mate, and a few of the ewes may be delivering.

I'm sure that you being 19 and a troubled girl, you probably have experience giving birth. Lamb delivery is just like child birth; although occasionally you will get kicked in the sternum by a birthing ewe. No worries though, I will provide you with a bicycle helmet to safe guard from arrant hooves.

Sometimes a newborn lamb may become lodged in the birth canal. Its very important that you are not fat and maintain top physical condition, because you will sometimes be head and shoulders into the birthing canal to fetch one of the furry buggers.

I can't work as long a day as I used to, so I wouldn't expect you to either. Most days will end around ten or so.

This means it'll take you a little longer to get your 100 hours of service in. I figure if we start on Monday you'll have your 100 hours by Saturday night, which will be just in time for our monthly apple cider & sheep shave jamboree.

Roger

"Slay utterly old and young, both maids, and little children, and women ..."

Ezekiel 9.6

Justine's Mother to Roger

Hi, I'm Justine's mom and you need to leave my daughter alone! She already said she's not interested in your disgusting business, and I'd like for her to earn something useful during her punishment.

Thank you,

Wendy **********

Roger to Justine's Mom Wendy

Wendy,

I know you said your Justine's mom, but your comments about the uselessness of sheep breeding make me think you're hiding some serious coconuts under your slacks. You obviously don't know a lick about sheep breeding and its benefits. Sheep breeding is hard work and it teaches you discipline, drive, determination and a tender loving touch.

I'm offering Justine a gravy train with biscuit wheels. I spent 17 months on a farm in Cut Bank, Montana giving lambs a bath with Johnson & Johnson No Tears before I was even allowed to step foot on the breeding floor with my Pap Pap. What I'm offering your daughter is a chance to deliver life into this world, and feel the warmth of a newborn lamb covered in amniotic fluids snuggling up close to her face. She'll be on the cutting edge of sheep husbandry, where later this month I'll be attempting to breed a sheep and a cocker spaniel to create the world's first true sheep dog.

Sheep breeding also has benefits in the workplace. Maybe your boss comes in one day and tells you that you're fired, you're fat and your parents died on a Wave Runner. Its going to hurt for sure, but it won't hurt as bad as having a third trimester ewe blowing out your two front teeth with a hoof to the mouth.

I ask you to reconsider Mrs. ********.

In conclusion, I think your daughter Justine should work for me because she will learn a lot about lambs and sheep breeding.

Here are some sheep breeding materials that will give you more information as well as some well drawn visuals of the reproductive systems: