Thursday, July 26, 2007

This could have been the headline based on two legal actions that have occurred this week. And who knows, maybe it really is true. It wouldn't take too much to convince me of that fact.First, on Monday July 23rd, Montgomery County Circuit Court Judge Katherine Savage ordered the release of English-speaking rape suspect Mahamu Kanneh. He requested an interpreter who spoke Via, a West African language. However, no one on the east coast of modern society speaks Via. She claimed that the court's inability to satisfy his request for an interpreter caused his 6th Amendment Rights to be violated (Right to Due Process, i.e. speedy trial). Kanneh was arrested for the rape of a 7 year-old girl. Judge Savage, however, made no mention of the victim's rights to have the accuser tried for a crime.On Wednesday, July 25th, Baltimore County Circuit Judge Mickey J. Norman changed the charges against 2 teens who poured acid on a playground that severely burned a 4 year old boy on his legs and backside. The teens were originally charged as adults and could have faced life in prison, but Judge Norman changed it so that they would be charged as juveniles. Attorneys suspect the teens will get an extra stiff lashing across the wrist with a semi-cooked noodle.This is the same Judge Norman who released Matthew Horner on bail after a hearing when he was arrested for assaulting his wife. He went home after his release and shot her under the head to make it appear as if she was trying to commit suicide.So, as they say in the back room at the old court house, "Pass the crack pipe, your Honor."

I realize that my posts have decreased significantly. And there's good reason. First, as I mentioned in my previous post, I was on vacation. On my first day back after the vacation, I started a new position in the company. That significantly decreased my time as I can't just blog in the middle of the day if I want to. Gotta keep up some semblance of a good work ethic.So why don't I blog at night? Well, my wife is 38 weeks pregnant. Have you ever slept in the same bed as a pregnant woman? There's not much sleep going on. Tossing. Turning. Thrusting of pillows into different positions. And it's all my fault, of course. It's all I can do in the evening to get my kids into bed at a reasonable time, clean up some of the house, get my lunch ready, iron my clothes for the next day, watch a couple of Netflix movies during the week, and go to bed.My wife went to the doctor today. She is now 7cm dilated and the baby's head is resting up against the cervix. For those of you who went to Baltimore City Public Schools, this means that the lady is getting ready to give birth. She could have the baby this weekend, which is not good. Dr. Creepy is on call this weekend. Plus he's a guy. I think it's safe to say that ladies prefer giving birth with the help of lady doctors, not dude doctors. So the plan is if the baby is not born on its own by Monday, she will be induced on Tuesday. And then I get 5 days off!!! Oh, wait...

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

It's been a long time since my last entry, but that's because I've been disconnected. And I'm not talking about being disconnected from reality like our governor, Martin O'Malley.

The fact is that I went on vacation to Ocean City, Maryland for a week. Before we left, I unplugged all of our major appliances. I powered-down my computer and unplugged it and all of the peripherals. When we returned home, I plugged everything back in, but was unable to restart the computer.

The toggle switch on teh back of the computer would flip, and a dim green light would flash for less than a second, but nothing happened. I contacted my sister who is some kind of Help Desk / Install technician. I described the problem to her and she said that it sounds like the power supply went up. She recommended that I swap the power supply from the old computer I have in the basement collecting dust.

I brought up the old Compaq, took it apart, did the same for the newer computer, and realized that the power supplies are totally different sizes. The air shafts to the heat sinks point in different directions. No good. Plus the box itself from the old Compaq was almost 50% larger.

Now I'm in a pickle, and I'm talking the flacid garlic kind, not the refrigerated crispy Vlassic Kosher dills. I need the Internet to shop for a new power supply. Plus I've gone crazy not being connected for a week. I have no idea how well my fantasy baseball team has done. I haven't posted to my blog or added content to Wikipedia in what feels like an eternity (which is equal to the amount of time the liberals have been in charge of the Maryland General Assembly).

I decide to plug in my old Compaq and use it for a while. I boot it up and the Windows 95 splash screen hits the monitor. Oh, my goodness. Windows 95?!!! The computer is that old??? I finally get booted, and the wallpaper has a picture of my infant daughter. The problem is that she's almost 8 years old now.

I open IE. Not sure of the version yet. I go to Yahoo! and it shuts down because "IE has performed an illegal operations". Oh, crap. I remember those. I think that was why we got a new computer. I can hardly access any websites without it crashing. I go to Firefox to download that browser. Yeah, whatever. I think I got a message like, "You have attempted to download a program that is not a Microsoft product. All systems are shutting down and an urgent alert is being sent to the Microsoft Police in Redmond, Washington." Honest, I think that's what it said.

At this point, I decide that it's time to buy a new computer. I tell my wife that's what I'm going to do. She has this look of fear in her eyes. "A new computer? Why can't we just get by on the old one?" I smile and walk out the door.

I arrive at the new Best Buy in Owings Mills, Maryland. Yes, this is the Owings Mills that is leading Baltimore County in shootings and violent crime. Anyway, I browse through the computer section. Plenty of computer systems from $950 to $1500. I don't want a whole new system. I just want the box. I finally find a Compaq with 1024MB RAM, 200GB harddrive, it's all black and shiny and has my name written on it. They spelled my name "$440". I ask to buy it, but none are in stock. I have to order it. This is on a Sunday. They said that they can deliver it to my house for free. Free? How did they know my middle name? I'm starting to get nervous.

Wednesday comes and I arrive home to see my new computer sitting on my porch. I'm so excited. I spend the next several hours getting everything setup. I call my sister. She said that when she sees me next time, she'll rip the harddrive from my old computer and install it in the new one so that I have 2 harddrives and I don't lose my old data. Sounds good to me.

Several days go by and I eject the CD-ROM tray to install a home designing program. Behold, young Arthur! We have a DVD-RW!!!! I've never had one before. I'm so excited. Now I can make those home movies of the kids (and other deviant media ).

Thursday, July 05, 2007

It's being reported that former Vice-President Al Gore's son, Al Gore, was arrested for drugs on the 4th of July. The drugs part shouldn't surprise anyone. If you've seen that movie "An Inconvenient Truth", then you know there's a lot of dope-smoking going on in Tennessee.Reports also go on in say that he was busted after being pulled over for driving 100 mph in a ToyotaPrius on the San Diego Freeway. I was absolutely shocked when I read this. Who could believe something as ridiculous as this could happen? Is it possible??? A Toyota Prius can go 100 mph??!!!This is not the first time that Al Gore III has been arrested for smoking mother nature's wonders. He was arrested in 2003 outside of Washington, D.C. However, this is the first time that a report of a Toyota Prius having gone 100 mph.Calls were made to confirm the information, but neither Al Gore's probation officer, nor Toyota would comment on the claims of this story.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

So last night, I'm dead asleep. It's about 12:45 am. All of a sudden I hear the security alarm go off. It's a siren and it's very loud. The next part all transpired in my mind in 0.5 seconds - There's someone in my house. Have they made it up the steps? I need to go down and kick their a$. What do I do when I meet up with this person? I hope my wife is calling the police. What if this guy shoots me? Who will protect my wife and the kids?I wonder if the neighbors can hear the alarm? This part is what actually happened in the same 0.5 seconds. I jump out of bed. I turn the corner to run downstairs. My heart is racing. My adrenaline is pumping. Goose bumps all over my body. My eyes are tearing as I'm in sheer panic-mode. I'm screaming Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (purely instinctual - not sure what I thought that would accomplish) I start sliding down the steps. I somersault down the stairs. I crash through the baluster. I break the baluster. I get up and after 4 failed attempts I turn off the alarm.Now I'm starting to wake up. I'm still in a panic-rage. I could have lifted a car at this point. I turn on all the lights. I'm racing through the house with my fists clenched ready to swing. I turn on the search lights outside. I see nothing. The phone rings. It's Slomin's. I tell them that I'm not sure what set if off and to send the police. I race back upstairs, grab a baseball bat and am standing at the top of the landing waiting for some phuquer to come out of hiding in my house.

I'm an absolute crazy person at this point. Now I realize that I'm in pain. I look at my foot. My ankle is bleeding, as are 2 of my toes. The underside of my arm is hurting. My thumb and pinky are bleeding. My thumbnail is bent in half. One of my fingernails is cracked in half. I have a something-degree rug burn running from my wrist to my elbow. I have another on my other arm. My head is hurting, probably from the successive poundings of the steps as my feet were up in the air. My shoulder, back, stomach, and knees are all pounding with pain. Now I'm starting to wonder if I broke any bones.

Meanwhile, my son ran into our bedroom. I heard him scream when I fell downstairs. He went down the stairs half-way, heard the warning alarm (high-pitched beep - you have 15 seconds to disarm the alarm before the siren goes off). He heard the beep, panicked, ran back in his room. Then the siren went off, he screamed, watched my do my imitation of Chevy Chase, then ran into the our bedroom. After calming him down, my wife starts asking him questions. Apparently, he had to go to the bathroom and didn't feel like using the bathroom upstairs.

The state police come. I meet them at the door. I'm obviously pretty banged up. He says (in a very concerned way) "Are YOU okay?" I tell him that I am fine and that it was a false alarm and explain what happened. He then asks me if I am painting my front door, which I am. I was sort of puzzled by this question. I look at the door, then go into an explanation that rust pits were forming on the door, so I sanded it and painted it, but then realized that I missed some of the pits, so I had to resand it and was hoping to repaint it the next day. He smiled, then checked things out around the outside, was very nice, and then leaves.

I was sort of confused by this question. I mention it to my wife the next day. She said that's a technique used by police to take note of their surroundings and then quiz you to see if you're the true homeowner and not the criminal. My wife is so smart. She probably wouldn't fall down the steps in an emergency.

We finally get back to bed and all I can think about is someone is going to break into my house. I was up until 4am. Every noise sounds like someone opening a door or someone walking around downstairs. I'm awake again at 6am. I feel like hell today. Not only did I fall down the stairs, but I think someone took a hammer to every part of my body.

When I went downstairs in the morning, I see that one of the balusters is smashed off the railing. Must have been quite an impact! That, my friends, is the most scared that I've ever been in my life. I think I'll be putting the baby gates back up at the top of the stairs so that no sleep walkers can make it downstairs.

Popular and Fun Comments and FeedbackA coworker asked if I was going to appear on next week's episode of America's Funniest Home Invasions.

My neighbor came over twice yesterday to just laugh at me. She was in tears the whole time. All she would say was, "Aaarrrrruuuuuuaaaaahhhhh!!!!!"

My friend who was in the military said, "Holy cow!! Your e-mail confirmed for me that I made the right decision to get rid of my 9mm Beretta after we had kids. If that had been me, I probably would have been in the same state of panic and unloaded the entire clip into the dark."

My sister said, "And this is part of the reason I *don't* have an alarm."

Another friend said, "Wow!!! You had quite a weekend!!! Don't be surprised to come home and see a cougar in your front yard."

Members of the ACLU, the liberal bastion of society destroyers, have been pushing for this law for some time. They claim that the new law will allow over 50,000 convicted criminals the right to vote, though based on prison populations in the crime-plagued city of Baltimore, I think this number is closer to 1 million.

Martin O'Malley has come as a blessing for hard-core criminals. He helped push for a temporary stay of executions of criminals until a further investigation can be conducted to see if criminals really are bad. In execution-related news, he pushed for more funding for free abortions.

Now that criminals know that they won't be executed in Maryland, they now have the peace of mind that they can vote for the criminal-minded politicians who will serve their interests. There has been no word if the families of the murder victims will get an extra vote on election day, but suffice it to say that they won't.

Three more thugs were added to this list this weekend of people whose voting rights are being maintained. The more people died in shootings in Baltimore City, the city that bleeds. A person was found dead in a trash can. A young man was found with a gunshot would to the head (which the police suspect foul play), and a 13 year-old girl was shot and killed while riding in her mom's ice cream truck by a disgruntled robber. The shooters in all three cases could expect to be in prison until the next election. They may get out earlier for good behaviour if they promise to vote Democrat.

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About Me

This blog is a satire. None of the things that appear to be false are true. Most of the facts are correct. Many of the opinions are mine. None of the opinions or false statements are to be taken seriously.