Thursday, May 6, 2010

HOLLYWOOD DIRT OVERFLOW (05-06-10)

KIM KARDASHIAN started getting death threats this week from JUSTIN BIEBER fans . . . because they thought the two of them were dating. --It all started when Justin posted a picture on Twitter of himself and Kim at last weekend's White House Correspondents Dinner. He captioned it, quote, "Look it's my girlfriend." --Then Kim responded by saying, quote, "I officially have Bieber Fever!!!" --After Justin's fans RELEASED THE KRAKEN on Kim, she Tweeted, quote, "Seriously Biebs! I'm getting death threats from your fans! This is unBeliebable!" (--Yes, she said "unBeliebable". Tragically, it wasn't a typo.) --That's when Justin stepped in to restore order. He said, quote, "Ladies, calm down. [Kim] is a friend, a very sexy friend but a friend. No need 4 threats. Let's all be friends and hang out often ;)" --There's no word if that stopped the threats (--And who can forget his shameless flirting when he hit "Chelsea Lately" recently? Chelsea tried to fight it, but I think his charm was kinda workin' on her.) (--Check out that CLASSIC interview here . . .) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ko44vu7Zkbc

LARRY KING AND HIS WIFE HAVE NOW PUT OFF THEIR DIVORCE UNTIL NEXT WEEK:

After LARRY KING and his wife, SHAWN SOUTHWICK, filed dual divorce petitions last month, they backtracked a little and decided to put the proceedings on hold for two weeks. --Well, those two weeks have come and gone . . . and Larry and Shawn apparently still don't know if they want to be married or not. In fact, they've been seeing a MARRIAGE COUNSELOR. --Larry's attorney says, quote, "The hold has been continued until the middle of next week. Stay tuned."

BRET MICHAELS SPEAKS . . . ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

BRET MICHAELS spoke to "People" magazine for this week's issue . . . (--which will be on newsstands tomorrow) . . . and it looks like his near-death experience may have tricked him into contemplating making The Big Mistake. --Don't worry . . . Bret isn't thinking about marrying one of those "Rock of Love" skanks. Instead, he might make an honest woman of Kristi Gibson. --She was Bret's girlfriend from 1994 through 2005, and she's the mother of his two daughters, who are 9 and 5. Bret and Kristi got back together after Bret returned from the VH1 Whore Zone unattached. --Bret said, quote, "As painful as this experience has been, I was given a second chance, right? I don't want to sit around every night worrying this is going to happen again. --"What I want to do is make a positive bucket list and say, 'I'm just gonna go for it.' --"There's just so much more I want to do and experience. [Getting married], for sure, is something I have never done. Kristi's such a great person. We'll see if that happens. But yes, that may be one of the big things on the list." --Bret also talked about his brain hemorrhage . . . which he described as sounding like a GUNSHOT. --He said, quote, "It made my mind go almost blank. My neck tensed up. I couldn't move my head at all. --"[It] sounded like a handgun. I knew I was slurring my words, and I was like 'OK, this isn't a headache. There's something really bad happening.'" --When Bret got to the hospital, things were so bad that doctors told him his daughters should probably be brought there . . . presumably to say GOODBYE. --But Bret told the doctors, quote, "Am I dying? If I'm dying, I want to see my kids, but if I have a chance, I don't want them to see me in this condition." --As for his recovery . . . which doctors think will be COMPLETE . . . Bret said, quote, "I'm a believer it's a combination of will and good faith. Will . . . and good medical attention . . . and faith. It just wasn't my time yet. I really believe that. --"If I had stayed on the couch for another hour, that probably would've done me in. In a weird way, God intervened: The appendicitis forced me to come home for a couple of days."

NOW JENNA JAMESON SAYS TITO ORTIZ *DID* KNOCK HER INTO THE BATHTUB . . . AND THAT BEFORE IT HAPPENED, THEY WERE "AMERICA'S COUPLE":

JENNA JAMESON spoke to "Us Weekly" recently about what happened between her and TITO ORTIZ on April 26th. --And even though she's been trying to downplay the physicality of their altercation, she now states pretty blatantly that Tito DID push her down against the bathtub. --Jenna told "Us" that she and Tito got into a fight the night before, because she said something very hurtful to him . . . that had to do with their SEX LIFE. (--She didn't get more specific.) --The next morning, Tito accused Jenna of using drugs. During the confrontation, Tito told Jenna he was leaving. And as he was walking away from her, he grabbed her by the arm and pushed her aside. That's when she fell and hit the tub. --Jenna also revealed that Tito beat her up once before . . . but she doesn't blame him for that. She says it happened at a nightclub, after someone spiked Tito's drink. And Tito was so out of it, he didn't even recognize her. --The upshot is that Jenna says Tito is NOT a wife beater. But she's not sure what's going to happen with the relationship. She said, quote, "It's just so hard to trust anybody in my life." --She added, quote, "I have to make sure that my children are going to be protected. That's all that I care about. If it means that I lose Tito, then that's what happens. --"I'm so in utter shock that this happened, because we were America's couple." (???)(--Here's video of Jenna's "Us" interview . . .)http://www.usmagazine.com/celebritynews/news/jenna-jameson-has-meltdown-recalling-beaus-alleged-abuse-201055

DID ELVIS PRESLEY DIE OF CONSTIPATION???

It's common knowledge that ELVIS PRESLEY died when his heart gave out on him while he was on the crapper. OR IS IT??? --Anybody remember Dr. George Nichopoulos . . . a.k.a. "Dr. Nick"? In addition to being a character on "The Simpsons", Dr. Nick was also Elvis' personal physician from 1967 until The King's death in 1977. --And he claims that what REALLY killed Elvis was CONSTIPATION. --Dr. Nick says, quote, "After he died we weren't sure [of the exact cause of death] so I continued to do some research and I had some doctors call me from different places and different med schools that were doing research on constipation and different problems you can get into with it. --"I just want to get the story straight . . . it all made sense with the new research that was done. --"We didn't realize until the autopsy that his constipation was as bad . . . we knew it was bad because it was hard for us to treat, but we didn't realize what it had done. --"We just assumed that the constipation was secondary to the meds that he was taking for his arthritic pain and for his insomnia." --Dr. Nick says that when Elvis died, his colon was five to six inches in diameter. A NORMAL colon is two to three inches. --And it was eight to nine feet long . . . as opposed to four to five feet for the average colon. --Dr. Nick says the constipation was so bad that Elvis would BROWN HIS TROUSERS ONSTAGE . . . quote, "He would get embarrassed, he'd have accidents onstage. He'd have to change clothes and come back because of the way we were trying to treat his constipation." --Dr. Nick says that he was trying to convince Elvis to get a COLOSTOMY . . . but Elvis was too proud and / or ashamed to do it. If he had gone through with it, though, Dr. Nick says Elvis might still be with us today. --Dr. Nick also says that there were times when Elvis only looked chubby because he was ALL BACKED UP WITH STINKY. --He says, quote, "During the last few years we were going back and comparing pictures, some of them were taken just two weeks apart but he looked like he'd gained 20 pounds when the only difference was that he had a good healthy bowel movement and then lost a lot of weight from that. --"Usually you pass it all in two or three days, but at the autopsy we found stool in his colon which had been there for four or five months because of the poor motility of the bowel." --We've been saying for years that when Elvis died the coroner found a large buildup of WHITE FECAL MATTER in his colon. And this VINDICATES us.) (--Dr. Nick, it should be noted, went on trial in 1980 for overprescribing drugs to Elvis, JERRY LEE LEWIS and 12 other patients. He was acquitted.) (--But in 1995, he was stripped of his medical license in Tennessee permanently . . . for overprescribing drugs to patients.)

CHARLIE SHEEN GAVE UP CUSTODY OF HIS KIDS WITH DENISE RICHARDS:

TMZ is reporting that CHARLIE SHEEN has given up custody of his two daughters with DENISE RICHARDS . . . 6-year-old Sam and 4-year-old Lola. --So-called "sources" say that Denise wanted full legal custody because of Charlie's marital problems and his recent relapse into substance abuse. And Charlie didn't try to oppose her. --An agreement was supposedly signed two weeks ago, but it hasn't been filed with the court yet. --TMZ says that Charlie pays Denise $50,000 a month in child support. --If Charlie and BROOKE MUELLER divorce, Brooke could receive up to $125,000 a month in child support. That's according to supposed prenuptial details that were reported earlier this week.

CHECK OUT THE FIRST REAL TRAILER FOR "MACHETE":

ROBERT RODRIGUEZ posted the first official trailer for his upcoming action flick "Machete" yesterday, as a special Cinco de Mayo message to the state of Arizona. (--For their new immigration policy, obviously.) --I don't want to jinx it, but I'm pretty sure this movie is going to KICK ASS. It started off as one of the fake trailers that ran during the "Grindhouse" double feature that Rodriguez and QUENTIN TARANTINO released in 2007. --But those few minutes were so cool, Rodriguez decided to actually make the movie. --It stars Danny Trejo, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Robert De Niro, Cheech Marin, Don Johnson, Jeff Fahey . . . and Steven Seagal as Torrez!!! (???)(--"Machete" comes out September 3rd. You can watch the trailer here . . .)(--WARNING!!! This clip contains UNBLEEPED PROFANITY . . . including the awesome tag line, "They just (EFFED) with the wrong Mexican!" . . .) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKhChMHhBN8

"DIE HARD 5" IS IN THE WORKS:

BRUCE WILLIS will play John McClane one more time. At least. Twentieth Century Fox has hired a writer to script "Die Hard 5" . . . although that's probably not what they'll eventually call it. --There's no word yet on any plot details.

YOU CAN WIN A WALK-ON ROLE IN "SCREAM 4":

If your dream is to meet DAVID ARQUETTE, and money is no object for you, then I've got your hookup. (???) --There's an online auction for a walk-on role in "Scream 4" . . . and it includes a meet-and-greet with Arquette, COURTENEY COX and NEVE CAMPBELL. Proceeds will benefit the Center for the Advancement of Women. --Last we checked, the bidding was up to $7,500. You can check it out here . . .)http://www.charitybuzz.com/catalog_items/201419

"BREAKING DAWN" WILL COME OUT IN NOVEMBER OF 2011:

"Breaking Dawn" . . . the fourth movie in the "Twilight" franchise . . . will hit theaters on November 18th, 2011. (--There's still no word if "Breaking Dawn" will be broken into two movies. If so, the movie that comes out in November of 2011 will be the first of the two.)

PATRICK DEMPSEY HAS JOINED THE CAST OF "TRANSFORMERS 3" . . . BUT JAMIE KENNEDY HAS NOT:

"Grey's Anatomy" stud PATRICK DEMPSEY has joined the cast of "Transformers 3". He'll play MEGAN FOX'S boss. It's a, quote, "dark character" . . . whatever that means. --Meanwhile, there's no truth to a recent rumor that JAMIE KENNEDY has also joined the cast. Apparently, he told a radio station that he had auditioned for a part, and really WANTED to be in the movie. --But his rep says, quote, "At this time Jamie is in no way attached to the film." (--Wow. These are bad times for Jamie Kennedy: No "Scream 4" . . . no "Transformers 3" . . . and no more of Jennifer Love Hewitt's TWO.)

THE TOP 24 "AMERICAN IDOL" CONTESTANTS OF ALL TIME:

Billboard.com has put together a list of The Top 24 American Idols of All-Time, which was compiled by crunching some numbers regarding their post-"American Idol" successes. -Things like album sales, digital track sales and radio plays were taken into account, although the specific methodology . . . assuming their was one beyond simply adding everything up . . . is unclear. --KELLY CLARKSON came out on top. She's sold 10.6 million albums, 15.9 million tracks, and has almost 4.3 million radio plays. Here's the Top 10:

#1.) KELLY CLARKSON . . . winner of Season One#2.) CARRIE UNDERWOOD . . . winner of Season Four (--She's actually sold more albums than Kelly. Carrie's sold 11.5 million copies. But Kelly Clarkson still has her beat for individual tracks and airplay.)#3.) CHRIS DAUGHTRY . . . who came in fourth on Season Five#4.) JORDIN SPARKS . . . winner of Season Six (--Wow. I forgot about her.)#5.) DAVID COOK . . . winner of Season Seven#6.) CLAY AIKEN . . . who was the runner-up on Season Two#7.) KELLIE PICKLER . . . who came in sixth on Season Five#8.) DAVID ARCHULETA . . . who was the runner-up on Season Seven#9.) FANTASIA BARRINO. . . winner of Season Three#10.) RUBEN STUDDARD . . . winner of Season Two(--As you can see, six of the eight winners made the Top 10. Last season's winner, KRIS ALLEN came in at #11 . . . followed by his runner-up, ADAM LAMBERT. But he'll probably rise significantly on this list over time.)(--And speaking of "over" . . . Season Five winner TAYLOR HICKS trailed all winners, placing 19th on the list. That's just two spots ahead of WILLIAM HUNG, who was the only "Idol" on the list who was never really a contestant.)(--You can find the full list . . . with the sales numbers and radio plays through April 17th . . . beginning, here . . .)http://www.billboard.com/features/top-24-american-idols-of-all-time-1004088662.story?tag=hpflash1#/features/top-24-american-idols-of-all-time-1004088662.story?tag=hpflash1

ELISABETH HASSELBECK HAS APOLOGIZED FOR BEING STUPID:

ELISABETH HASSELBECK has had a change of heart. --On Tuesday's episode of "The View", Elisabeth blasted ESPN’s ERIN ANDREWS . . . who's now a contestant on "Dancing with the Stars" . . . for wearing clothing that was too revealing. OK. That's one thing. --But the STUPID part was that she said Erin shouldn't be showing so much skin, quote, "in light of what happened" to her. (!!!) Of course, she was referring to that idiot who secretly videotaped Erin undressing through a hotel wall. --Last night, Erin told "People" magazine that Elisabeth's remarks were, quote, "a slap in the face to victims of stalking and sexual predators." --She said she was "very shocked" about the comments, and added, quote, "The thing that I was most upset about is I felt she was mocking a situation. As a mother and a woman, I'm disappointed she went there." (--Elisabeth had said, quote, "In light of what happened . . . as inexcusable as it was for that horrific guy to go in and try to peep on her in her hotel room . . . I mean, in some way if I'm him, I'm like, 'Man! I just could've waited 12 weeks and seen this . . . a little bit less . . . without the prison time!'") --Well in a rare moment of self-awareness, Elisabeth came to her senses . . . and apologized to Erin, both privately and publicly. --On "The View" yesterday, she said . . . while choking up a little. . . quote, "I went home and I wasn't feeling that great about [what I said] . . . and I'm sitting there with Grace, my five-year-old, and she said, 'Mommy, why do you look so sad?' --"And I said, 'Well, Grace, today, Mommy hurt someone's feelings' . . . and it's harder when you're explaining it to your kid, but it was a moment that I thought I should explain to her. When we were talking about Erin . . . I ended up hurting her. --"I said, 'Grace, Mommy feels really bad because I hurt somebody,' so I took out her little devotional that we read and I read her . . . 'reckless words pierce someone's heart like a sword' . . . and I promised to her that I'd use my words more mindfully . . .--". . . like I try to do, to build people up, not break them down. And she said to me, 'Mommy, why don't you just call Erin and tell her you're sorry?' So, I listened to her, and that's what I did. I'm really sorry, and I wanted to offer that publicly, too." (--Well, gee . . . here's video of her apology . . .) http://theview.abc.go.com/video/hot-topics-erin-andrews

THE PTC IS MAD AT "FAMILY GUY" . . . AGAIN:

The Parents Television Council . . . (--or the PTC, if you've ranted about them before) . . . is upset with "Family Guy" yet again, but not for the reason everybody else is: That being that it stopped being funny in 2002. (--CAREFUL, JEDIS!) --The PTC is ticked off because on last Sunday's episode . . . the show's 150th . . . Stewie the baby convinced Brian the dog to eat his poop out of his diaper, and then to lick his backside clean. --The PTC claims "Family Guy" was intentionally baiting the Federal Communications Commission . . . (--or the FCC, if you've ranted about them before.) --PTC President Tim Winter says, quote, "It seems as though 'Family Guy' creator, Seth MacFarlane, carefully reviewed the legal definition of broadcast indecency and set out to violate it as literally as he could. (--Again, CAREFUL, JEDIS!) --"Given the patently offensive depictions of one character eating excrement out of a diaper, then eating vomit, and finally licking the remaining excrement from a baby's bottom . . . ". . . while the baby expresses physical gratification from having his bottom licked . . . we believe that the broadcast decency law has been broken." (--Neither Fox nor the FCC have commented.)

NOW IT'S "DANCING WITH THE STARS'" TURN TO BE #1 AGAIN:

This jockeying for position between "American Idol" and "Dancing with the Stars" is getting a little old. It almost makes me yearn for the days when more people gave a crap about "Idol". Almost.

--Last week's episode of "Dancing with the Stars" beat out "Idol" to reclaim the top spot . . . by a mere 300,000 viewers. Here are last week's Top 20 shows . . .

WILSON PHILLIPS . . . which is universally celebrated as THE best band ever created by nepotism . . . will be reuniting for a tour and a new album. --CHYNNA PHILLIPS announced, quote, "I'm thrilled that the Wilson Phillips family is coming back together again. We've known each other for more than 20 years. We're like family. I'm excited about working with the Wilson sisters again." (--And by "like family," we're assuming she is NOT insinuating that they sleep together . . . like in her family. Earlier this year, Chynna had to be treated for anxiety after her sister, MACKENZIE, revealed that she had sex with their dad.) --Chynna is the daughter of JOHN and MICHELLE PHILLIPS of THE MAMAS & THE PAPAS . . . while CARNIE and WENDY WILSON are the daughters of BRIAN WILSON of THE BEACH BOYS. --Their first reunion show will happen on May 21st in Phoenix, but no other tour dates have been announced yet. The new album will be a Christmas disc, and it's supposed to be out this October. --Carnie explains, quote, "Christmas is a special time for all of us, especially because we now all have kids. That's why this is a perfect album for us." (--It's also EASY. Particularly since Carnie and her sister Wendy have already recorded a Christmas album called "Hey Santa" back in 1993 . . . and Carnie just released a solo one, called "Christmas with Carnie", two years ago.)

THE TEMPTATIONS' NEW ALBUM FEATURES . . . AUTO-TUNE?

The TEMPTATIONS' 49th album, "Still Here", dropped on Tuesday . . . and tragically, this legendary R&B group that's been around in one form or another for 50 YEARS has bowed to the pressure and resorted to Auto-Tune. (???) --Otis Williams tells Spinner.com, quote, "We try not to get too trippy with the technology. The main thing about the Tempations has been that we've had great songs. It comes down to, 'you got all this fanciness but can you sing?'" --"We're trying to let our fans know that we're in the here and now . . . but still know where we came from. I'm very analytical about everything. I sit and listen over and over. The Temptations, for what we're known for, we try to stay in character. --"We know we're not rappers and hip-hop, but we want to stay on the cutting edge. The kids nowadays, they like what we do but it's good to try and give them a taste of what the sound is like today." (--The Temptations used Auto-Tune on a song called "First Kiss". You can listen to the entire album here . . .)http://www.spinner.com/new-releases#/13

LUDACRIS ONCE WORKED AT PIZZA HUT . . . BUT DID HE LIKE IT?

On the next episode of MTV's "When I Was 17", LUDACRIS reveals that he once worked at Pizza Hut . . . in the kitchen, making the pizzas . . . and while he says he LOVED it, his friends say he hated it. --Ludacris says, quote, "I loved working at Pizza Hut, 'cause it was a hell of an experience. It was a beautiful job." --But his friend Kiah DISPUTES that. She says, quote, "Well, he told me working at Pizza Hut was one of his worst jobs ever." --Another friend, Ryan, backs that up. He says, quote, "He hated that job. I know it wasn't really helping his love life . . . working at Pizza Hut? That ain't gangster."(--You can watch the clip, here . . .)http://www.mtv.com/videos/news/512258/check-out-a-preview-of-ludacris-on-when-i-was-17.jhtml

NAZZY'S RANDOM STUFF

WHICH STATES ARE THE WORST FOR SPEEDING TICKETS?

The website Driverside.com put together a list of the 10 states where you're most likely to get a speeding ticket. And they found . . . well, absolutely no pattern. The states are all over the country. --They based their rankings on the number of tickets the state gives out, along with things like the number of police officers in the state, and the speed limits on the state's highways. Here they are, ranked from low to high . . .

You might not have known this . . . we sure didn't . . . but today is the 2010 National Day of Prayer. So, if you get a chance, do your soul some good and say a prayer. (--Especially if you need to atone for yesterday's Cinco de Mayo behavior.) --In honor of the National Day of Prayer, "USA Today" ran a poll to make sure we Americans are still as God fearin' as we're supposed to be.

--Here's what they found . . .--92% of Americans believe that there is a God.--But . . . only 83% think he's actually LISTENING and answering our prayers. The other 9% think he's out there but not answering prayers right now.--57% of people support the National Day of Prayer, 38% are indifferent toward it, and 4.5% of people say they're against it.--And you'll never believe this, but people who identified themselves as Republicans are most likely to be in favor of the National Day of Prayer . . . 76% support it. (USA Today)

SHOULD WE MEDITATE UNTIL THE OIL SPILL IN THE GULF GOES AWAY . . . OR NUKE IT?

BP's broken oil well in the Gulf of Mexico is still hemorrhaging 200,000 gallons of oil a day . . . and causing unthinkable damage to the environment. But since the well is at least a mile underwater, no one's quite sure how to stop the flow. --Today, we found two VERY different theories from two VERY different sources. --The first comes from Carl Fuermann of Boulder, Colorado. He thinks we just need to band together and MEDITATE the problem away. -He says, quote, "The basic concept is to try and get as many people to visualize that the valve is actually functioning and is working and closing." --Before you write him off, Carl says his meditation has a proven history of success. He says he recently visualized his friend's broken Flip video camera, and it started working again. (--This Gulf situation is pretty comparable to that.) --Now . . . the other theory. --It comes from Russia's top newspaper, "Pravda", and it's sort of a throwback to how the Communists solved oil spills back when they were in power over there . . . NUKES. --The people at "Pravda" say we should drop a nuclear bomb on the Gulf near the oil well . . . and the blast will make it deep enough to take out the broken well. They also say the Soviets solved five underground oil spills with nukes. --They said, quote, "The explosion moves the rock, presses on it and squeezes the well's channel." They don't have any comment on all of the BAD stuff that might happen if, you know, we nuke the Gulf of Mexico. (Boulder Daily Camera / The Raw Story) (--As terrible as both ideas sound on the surface . . . at least these people are pitching. This thing's been spilling oil since April 20th. Maybe it's time to handle this hippie or Soviet-style.)

THE IRS'S PLAN TO PAY PEOPLE TO BACKSTAB EACH OTHER IS WORKING TO PERFECTION:

In late 2006, the IRS came to a brilliant realization: Most people would happily send another person to prison for the right price. So, they got a law passed that says: If you turn in a tax cheat, you're guaranteed 15% of what the IRS recovers. --The law took effect in 2008 and now, a few years later, the IRS is happy to report that it's working TO PERFECTION. --The IRS's whistleblower office is getting about 40 to 50 tips a month on potential tax cheats . . . which they say is a quote, "dramatic jump" since the law passed. --But under the new law, they only want cases where they're being shorted $2 MILLION or more . . . so you shouldn't report your next-door neighbor just because he's writing off family dinners at Olive Garden as a business expense. --But if you do tip them off on a big-money tax evasion case and they make a successful bust, you'll get at least 15% and up to 30% of what they recover . . . depending on how good the info is. --But so far, no one's gotten paid . . . and no one will for a while. The IRS says that it'll take five to seven years for the reward to make it through the system . . . and that's if, quote, "all the stars align." (Reuters) (--In other words, after you turn someone in, it could be a decade of maddening bureaucracy as you try to get your reward. So this is the OPPOSITE of a get-rich quick scheme . . . and it's putting you pretty prominently on the IRS radar.) (--So go ahead and report someone for moral reasons. But if you're only in it for the money, you could find yourself severely disappointed . . . and possibly even worse off.)

MEATBALL CRIMINALS OF THE DAY: TWO TWIN BROTHERS GOT BUSTED FOR SWITCHING PLACES IN COURT:

On Tuesday, 40-year-old Matthew Mauceri of Largo, Florida, was set to go on trial for passing $160,000 in bad checks. But his lawyer, Jimmy Thomas, was talking to him before the trial started and thought something felt weird. --Matthew didn't seem to remember anything they'd talked about before. He was confused about the basic details of the case, and his facial hair looked different. And that's when Jimmy remembered that Matthew had a twin brother named Marcus. --Matthew and Marcus aren't identical twins, but they look pretty similar. So Jimmy found himself in a strange ethical position. He's required to defend his client's rights . . . but also can't, quote, "allow a fraud upon the court." --After talking with a few other lawyers, Jimmy decided he had to bring up his suspicions to the judge. He did, and the judge had the defendant say his name under oath. But "Matthew" was still the response. --Then the judge had him fingerprinted . . . and that FINALLY proved the man in court WAS Marcus standing in for Matthew. Marcus had been fingerprinted in 1997 for possession of drug paraphernalia, and those prints were a match. --Marcus admitted that he was standing in for his brother . . . because Matthew was flying in from out-of-state and couldn't make it on time. But Marcus was sentenced to six months in jail for direct criminal contempt. --When Matthew did finally show up . . . about three hours late . . . he was taken into custody for failure to appear at the designated time. Jimmy is still representing him in the fraud case, which was postponed until July. (St. Petersburg Times)

U.S. AIRWAYS LOST A MAN'S SUITCASE . . . AND IT TURNED UP FLOATING IN A POND 15 MILES FROM THE AIRPORT:

If the offensive airline baggage fees aren't enough of a reason to make you cram all of your stuff into a carry-on . . . maybe this story will finally push you over the edge. --On Sunday night, David Dever of Indianapolis was on a U.S. Airways flight from Philadelphia back home to Indy. He paid their $25 fee to check a bag. --But when he got off the plane in Indianapolis, his bag never showed up. So he filed a missing luggage complaint and went home. --About 24 hours later, he got a phone call from the manager of an apartment complex in the southern part of the city. They'd found David's suitcase . . . floating in their pond, about 15 miles from the Indianapolis airport. --David recovered his bag, but it was trashed. It was waterlogged, and covered in mud . . . and his blazer, running shoes, and some toys for his kids were all missing. --He filed a police report . . . and U.S. Airways says they'll pay David for the missing and damaged items from his bag. They're also going to go ahead and refund his $25 baggage fee. (CBS 8 - Indianapolis)

JUST *ONE* NIGHT OF BAD SLEEP CAN GIVE YOU DIABETES?

I have a lot of trouble believing this . . . but, even so, it's going to make me think long and hard before I stay up until 1:30 to see who's on the "Carson Daly" show again. --According to researchers at the Leiden University Medical Center in the Netherlands, having even ONE bad night of sleep can increase your risk of developing type-2 diabetes. --They found that even one night of bad sleep can throw off your body's insulin use . . . and, if you don't eat that well and don't exercise much in general, that one bad night can push you right over the edge. --The average person needs between seven and nine hours of sleep per night. (Reuters / ABC)

NAZZY’S SILLY VIDEOS OF THE DAY - 1 of 3

#1.) SOLDIERS IN AFGHANISTAN REMADE LADY GAGA'S "TELEPHONE" VIDEO:

Soldiers at an Army base in southwestern Afghanistan made their own music video for the LADY GAGA song "Telephone" that features makeshift costumes and choreographed dance moves. So far, the Army says it has no problem with the video.(--Search for "Afghanistan soldiers Lady Gaga Telephone.")http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=haHXgFU7qNI

#2.) A CAT ATTACKED A BABYSITTER TO DEFEND A BABY:

Here's security camera footage of a cat attacking a babysitter when it thinks the kid is in trouble. The cat starts scratching her, and keeps attacking until it backs her into a corner and out of the room. And when she picks the kid up later, it attacks again. (--Search for "cat attacks babysitter." There's no sound. The cat attacks at :59.)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zATogM8p3FM

#3.) A KID GOT BUSTED FOR WAKEBOARDING IN THE NASHVILLE FLOOD:

A kid went wakeboarding in the floodwaters in Franklin, Tennessee, about 15 miles south of Nashville. But the cops showed up pretty quickly and arrested him, and the kid driving the SUV that was pulling him. (--Search for "wakeboarding Franklin flood arrested video." The wakeboarding starts at :48, and he gets cuffed at 1:19.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCJr1ByKsOs

#4.) TWO KIDS MEMORIZED A JERRY SEINFELD STAND-UP ROUTINE, THEN PERFORMED IT WITH SEINFELD'S AUDIO DUBBED IN:

Two kids named Ryan and Ethan memorized a JERRY SEINFELD joke about Halloween, and they performed it with Seinfeld's audio dubbed in. The older kid has it DOWN. (--Search for "Ryan and Ethan's Seinfeld tribute.") http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1935113