The Pine Valley Bulletin

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Established 1998

February 15, 1999

What a lackluster week on AMC, especially for sweeps. Heck I'm going
to be hard pressed to actually give out any awards this week. Never fear,
I'm sure I'll figure it out as I go along. What should we talk about first?
How about Raquel. I like the new one. Not that I hated the last one. I mean
if they really wanted to recast someone, why not Kit? Or better yet, Braden!
Anyway, Raquel is playing games and using Max to get to Assholeo. It's beyond
my comprehension why she wants Assholeo at all, but that's neither here
nor there. So Max says he wants to sleep with Mommy and Daddy like he did
before and you could actually almost see the light bulb go off above Raquel's
head when she tells him to go ask his Daddy. So off the kid goes, and asks
his Daddy, Assholeo, if he can sleep in the same bed with Mommy and Daddy
like they did before. And of course he asks right in front of Hayley. Assholeo
says no, and suddenly Max's head spins around and he starts screaming like
some demon child. "I WANNA SLEEP WITH MY MOMMY AND MY DADDY!"
Assholeo remains firm and explains that everyone has their own bed to sleep
in and then tells him that the levitating is just a phase he'll grow out
of. Surprise surprise, Raquel is at the door listening. She offers to take
Max to bed, and suddenly Assholeo has lots of 'splaining to do. Assholeo
tells Hayley exactly what happened that night that he woke up to find Raquel
in his bed. Except of course, he left out the part about how Max wasn't
there in the morning and he was snuggled up all nice and cozy to Raquel.
Hayley gets mad for about a millisecond as a sofa suddenly appears in their
room and she goes off to get a blanket. She, of course, runs into Raquel
and goes directly into bitch mode, do not pass go, do not collect $200.
It was quite lovely actually. But I think Hayley was so bitchy because she
hasn't eaten in about 3 months.

After Hayley leaves, Raquel makes some cryptic phone call and tells
the person on the other end that "the plans have changed." Whatever
that means. Then she calls her lawyer to get the hearing postponed, with
the logic that, if the hearing doesn't happen, Hayley and her beloved Assholeo
won't move out of Wildwind. Lynette tries her best to talk some sense into
her wacko client, who by the way, is getting wackier every day. But Raquel
doesn't listen and Lynette gets the hearing postponed three weeks. Raquel
is on cloud nine, for about two seconds. You see, unbeknownst to Raquel,
while she was getting the hearing postponed, Hayley and Assholeo were skimming
the classifieds for new places to live. I bet it's hard to find homes that
are free. And when she tells Assholeo about the hearing postponement, Assholeo
tells her they won't be waiting that long, they are going to move. Raquel
asks, "what about me and Damian?" Too which Assholeo answers,
"Since we have full custody of Damian, he is going to move with us.
You? Well, sayonara sweetie." Then as Assholeo explains the move to
Damian, Hayley and Raquel have this really evil stare down. It was pretty
cool.

Next thing we know, Hayley gets a call from a very desperate Gillian
and runs off to see Rine in the hospital. Seems Rine has snapped out of
his feverish haze and remembered what Gillian had done. He doesn't want
to see her. She was still posing as Janet from Another Planet at the time.
Suddenly David walks in to check on Rine and Gillian, ever the brainiac,
starts to yell and attack him again, alerting the guard and Jackass to her
presence in Rine's room. So Jackass kicks her out. Enter Hayley. She talks
to Gilly for a bit and gets the whole story about her affair with David,
and how Rine wants nothing to do with her. Hayley seems to actually want
to help Gillian and does sympathize with her. It's a good thing Hayley has
friends in high places because she got on the visitor list for Rine's hospital
room. Once in there, she tells Rine how much Gilly loves him and urges him
to give her another chance. Once Hayley leaves the room, Gilly again starts
to make a ruckus by screaming "I love you" outside Rine's door,
thus making the guard haul her away, and giving Wooden his perfect opportunity
to slip into Rine's room. Rine is surprised to see Wooden, but no connection
is revealed, as if we don't know!

Oh, let's back up to Hayley and Assholeo making plans to move. He's
talking about how much he wants Max to be with him and asks if that sounds
selfish. Hayley responds with the most bizarre thing I've heard her say
in a long time... "You don't have a selfish bone in your body."
Assholeo smiles and says, "Me? I? Are you talking to ME ME ME? You
think I'M not selfish? How true, I am wonderful, aren't I?" They start
to look at the classifieds and Assholeo suddenly becomes very lucid and
mentions how he hasn't done a thing in months, and when Damian asked him
what he does for a living, he told him about Holidays. Hayley then gives
this weeks LINE OF THE WEEK when she says,
"What is that you do for a living?" Ah yes, how often have we
all wondered that? Then they suddenly remember that they have the insurance
settlement money from the explosion and decide that they should open a nightclub
so their days can be free to spend with Max. Yeah, I'm sure nightclub owners
always have free days.

Liza has finally changed out of that lumpy red sweater and actually
looks like she's carrying a child instead of a crumpled up newspaper. Adam
proposes again. Liza admits her love for him, but says the answer will wait
until Stuart and Marian's wedding, thus insuring that Adam makes good on
his promise to throw them a wedding. So, the wedding is on and it will take
place at Stuart's gallery. How delicious it was to see Stuart and Marian
this week! Adam seems to be going all out with this shindig and even brings
Liza a dress to wear. I don't know about you, but I can't wait for the big
day! In fact, I think I'll go ahead and give Adam/Stuart this weeks PERFORMER OF THE WEEK award. Sometimes I actually
have to remind myself that David Canary is
one man. He's so amazing.

Well, when Vanessa stages a heart attack, she really gets prepared.
She had not only a bed jacket for her stay at the hospital, but she also
brought a kimono with her. Erica went to visit and make sure she was OK
and then questions her about David. Vanessa plays it coy, and doesn't say
much at all. So off Erica goes to talk to Joe and tell him what happened.
She wants David disciplined for not treating Vanessa when he was on the
scene. Joe and Jake are not surprised by what David did, and tell her about
what he did to Adam and how he tried to pin it on Jake. Once David is summoned
to Joe's office, he gives Joe some cockamamie story about his beeper going
off and knowing Joe was there to treat the woman.

David is none too pleased that Ms. Kane is sticking her nose into
this business and tells her in no uncertain terms to butt out! Poor David,
he doesn't know who he's dealing with. And no one intimidates Erica Kane!
She held her own with Dr. Devious and gave some right back at him too. I
loved this scene, loved the chemistry between these two, and loved the set
up for next week. So, since I loved it so much, I'm going to give the Erica
and David confrontation at Enchantment this weeks SCENE
OF THE WEEK. Erica said she would never need someone like him in
her corner, and it was the perfect set up to the car accident they get in
while together next week and she's really going to need him. The only thing
I can't figure out is why they are in a car together in the first place.
Oh, and just to make something clear... I'm not thinking of an Erica and
David romance, not at all. But these two definitely have sparks and flare,
and I'd like to see them in more scenes together, and I know I will.

Once David leaves Erica's office, she heads over to Adam's to find
out what he knows about David. Adam tells her about how David tried to kill
him and enlists Erica's help in getting rid of him. Erica tells Adam about
how he left the scene while Vanessa was having a heart attack. Adam then
shows Erica a file he has on David and informs her that Vanessa Bennett
is David's mother. Even more intrigued, Erica decides to join forces with
Adam. David, in the meantime, is so annoyed by all this that he heads over
to Liza's to tell her that Adam is the father of her baby.

Mr. Romance, Tad Martin, proposes to Dixie and gives her Grandma Kate's
ring. He made some big plans in the short amount of time he had and even
had time to stop off and buy himself a rather dashing smoking jacket and
a slinky peachy negligee for Dixie. They made love, they got engaged, they
had fun, and Tad took care of her the whole time, giving her medication
and making sure she ate right. It was all very sweet and rather enjoyable.
And now, they are back together and on track to happiness. Let's hope they
don't end up in the no storyline zone.

Once back in Pine Valley, the masses are thrilled to hear the news,
Tad and Dixie are going for round three of the marriage thing. So while
Brooke and Dixie bond, Jake and Tad go see David to make sure that he treats
Dixie right. Jake, the resident, decides after looking at Dixie's chart,
that David, the cardiologist, is in fact treating Dixie correctly. It's
sure a good thing Jake is around, phew! Brooke informs Dixie that it was
Liza that showed Tad her tape, and Dixie realizes Liza is responsible for
their reunion. Watching this, I found it interesting that Brooke seemed
to have such fond affection for Dixie after Dixie had affairs with two of
Brooke's husbands. Will Dixie be able to do the same with Liza?

Is everyone at AMC blind? Can't they see how sickeningly thin Kelly
Ripa is? What is wrong with them?? Doesn't anyone notice that she is skin
and bones? Better yet, what's wrong with her husband! I've talked about
this before, and then stopped because I had thought she was looking better.
I realized this week that it was an illusion. They just started putting
her in sweaters with a wonderbra so her bones were less noticeable. And
then when she was in that blue nightgown this week, I couldn't believe my
eyes. The only showed her from the front for about 20 seconds and that was
plenty. You could see her ribs, you can tell she has absolutely no boobs
left at all, in fact all she has left are pecs, and Mateo's are probably
bigger! Whenever Mateo held her, hugged her, or laid on top of her, I was
afraid she was going to break. I've said this before too... the camera adds
10 pounds! I don't even want to think about how she looks in person. I just
hope she comes to her senses and gets some help before it's too late.

And without further ado, this weeks I NEED TO
BE SLAPPED award. This week I give it to the writing staff at AMC.
The reasons are numerous, but here are just a few that have been bugging
me lately. The long drawn out rape storyline. How are we supposed to sympathize
with Miss Kitty when we barely know her, but what we do know about her we
don't like? Pick up the pace people! The total abandonment of the character
of Kevin. I love this character and I think it's sick that the magazines
keep saying he was killed in the explosion at Holidays, he wasn't! I saw
him walking around afterwards. AMC's loss is now As The World Turns gain.
And last but certainly not least, the recasting of Tim Dillon. Has everyone
at AMC gone mad?? What's the deal here! How could they even think about
doing this! Tommy Michaels is a part of AMC's history. We have watched him
grow up on the show. Help stop AMC from doing this, visit my Ins and Outs
page for more details.