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So I’m 50 and yes I’ve reached that age where I’m inclined to evaluate my life…….

I was going all the way, I had a well planned out career. It was only in my 40’s that I finally left education, I decided that 3 degrees really was enough. There comes a time when you finally realise that you are reaching for something you can not find. So I stopped.

Children, ah children. I nearly had no children, When we decided to have children it was after much thought. Toby was just meant to be. He met all my maternal needs and I never wanted another baby, and I mean never, even after he went, he still met every need.

Adoption is a whole other ball game, in fact it’s a marathon. It’s a total life changer. It teaches you more about yourself than life ever can. It takes you to the edge, the edge of forever and you never come back.

And then came death, the biggest life changer of all. In my dreams I had a plan …..

I look back….

A career gone , but not lost, who’d of ever thought I’d exchange career and money for happiness in a wool shop.

My children, my dearest children, mine I gave birth to who met every need, who gave his life to keep safe the one I chose. The one I chose oblivious to most of life, oblivious to what has been lost, what has been given up.

Some times I wander, how could all this chaos result in this. Life, love, death.

How can dreams be dreamt and never be meant.

In my dreams I had a plan, none of this was part of it.

Dreams, I don’t have dreams now, since the day Toby died. I stopped, in every sense of the word. I don’t have plans. I just have now.