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Yep so here I am again. Not to apologise for not writing this time. This time I’m here to tell you what has been going on in the life of Tabby (the bumbling, mostly useless, teenage girl).

So let’s start with September…
– I started year eleven
– I started mentoring in drama on Saturdays which means I spend 8 hours in a drama studio on a Saturday which I love.
– I found I get to be DSM (deputy stage manager) for a production full of small children which means I call cues and curtains and lights and songs and run the show from the wings
– I started rehearsals for pantomime and also the Shakespeare Schools Festival
– I took a lot of selfies

October
– I went to a campout (details to follow in separate blog post containing a hypothetical cockerel called Trevor)
– I got very very drunk
– I got very very very drunk
– My default greeting is now “BONJOUR!” in a thick yorkshire accent
– I now say merci instead of thanks

November
– I slowly started turning french
– I went to bonfire night with a massive group of friends which was awesome
– I went on a trip to Whitby for coursework and had fish and chips in a restaurant and pretended to be civilised
– I went to a party and fell over a lot
– I woke up with a lot of bruises and had no idea why I had them
– I ate a lot of pizza
– I performed in the Shakespeare Schools Festival (our school won) I got to eat haribos on stage and be mean to the audience and look really sassy which was fun
– I made up a badass handshake with my pantomime friend

December
– Pantomime starts
– I destain myself from punching several small children
– I took a lot of selfies in a cat costume
– I took a lot of selfies in a 50’s costume
– I had a social gathering for avid lovers of pizza and nachos
– I took my dog for a walk at midnight and saw a drunk man lying on the ground
– I saw another drunk man trying to walk straight
– I laughed
– CHRISTMAS!!!!
– Trip to Ikea whilst wearing a mushroom hat
– Took more selfies
– NEW YEAR!!!!

January
– Started wearing hats
– Took a picture of an adorable small child wearing my hat
– Went to a party and had jelly shots which i think are simply the best idea in the world
– Planned for my birthday party

It’s my birthday on Friday and I’m having a house party and I’m really excited but kind of scared at the same time… But mainly excited!

I also didn’t mention but I had my mock exams through November and December whilst only being in school 3 days a week due to performing… Which was interesting…
I’m happy with my results though. I did much better than I expected.

I hope you all have a lovely rest of the week and until I next see you,

Stupid teacher thought it would be a good idea to give us an exam on the first day back on a topic that we covered at the start of last year, purely because she hadn’t bothered with a lesson plan.

My timetable is death on paper.
On Monday I have double physics and double maths… If someone could kindly shoot me in the face, that would be nice… You don’t even have to do it kindly, just shoot me in the face.

So it’s only the first day and people have already started bitching. Seriously, I can’t be bothered with yo shit! STFU! If you come back from summer holiday and all you can talk about is me, then you clearly had a really boring summer.

Why is it that people feel the need to comment on my life or relationships? Has it got anything to do with you? No. How would you know what was going on in my relationship? Oh you didn’t? That’s funny because you seem to be talking an awful lot about it when you don’t know shit.

On a positive note, I was amused by the tiny year sevens getting lost, staring at their timetable and maps and wandering around in naïvety with hope and optimism glistening in their eyes (give it a term and that will be gone).

Never again! Ever! I want to cry just thinking about the pain I was in.

This is the tale of yet another time I made a fool of myself.

THE RUN

I set off with my mother running like a pro with her telling me to slow down. Thing is, if I slow anymore my shins start to hurt because I have to shorten my stride. I was going good. I looked okay and wasn’t doing my usual conducting an orchestra thing with my hands.

Then it hit me.

The burning in my throat that causes the permanent taste of blood and just as I was resigning myself to the fact that I was becoming part vampire, I saw them.

Them, was people I knew. A girl in my year and her boyfriend. It was okay, at this point I am still going strong and not letting the blood taste hinder my “running”. I run past to whoops and shouts of “Go Tabby!”, to which I reply “Shut up I can’t run!”

To clarify, I look like a dying walrus combined with a goat that has been smeared in tomato juice.

Still I am doing okay (I’ve been running for 5 minutes, this is good for me) and then I see some more people I know. My friend Tom and then across the road, two boys that I go to drama with.

FML

At this point, I can barely breathe, convincing myself I am actually asthmatic (either that or I was actually born to live in the sea and have missed my calling as a clown fish) and flailing around like a porpoise (do porpoises flail?).

Anyway I continue on at a respectable rate until none of the people can see me.

Fuck it. Imma walk the rest.

Yeah so my mother being all showy with her “map my run” and her music and her running shoes carries on running whilst I, convinced I am dying by internal suffocation (is that a thing? that’s what it felt like), walk the shortest easiest way home. Over a wall, through a field and collapse on the kitchen floor.

I should have realised that after not running at all for two years and skipping PE for the last 3 months, I would not be in peak physical condition.

I cannot run. It is your duty as fellow humans (or animals or aliens) to warn me about my incapability next time I have even the faintest notion of “running”.

All in all, it was a painful, embarrassing experience that I do not wish to repeat. Ever.

If you take anything from this, anything at all, be it that physical exercise is bad for you. Do not under any circumstances partake in anything similar to this malarkey called “running”.

I walked straight past him into acoustic tent, refusing to acknowledge him. I stood with my friends and felt the safety of the group. We took turns glaring across the sea of people at the blonde haired boy who had attempted to break my already broken heart. We wandered around always keeping tabs on where He was, keeping our distance yet one of the girls was always watching him. Checking to see if he reacted to the hugs and playful punches between me and my guy friends. See this may seem extreme but isn’t it what we all do? Subconsciously at least. Then I noticed it. I was the first to notice. I turned to Kaitlyn but she had already seen. There He was. Sat with a girl with long blonde hair, red cheeks and a severe lack of make up or style.

Was she prettier than me?

It’s okay, they don’t know each other and they’re barely talking.

Imagine, there were 6 of us all stood watching thinking we were being covert. Doing that thing in movies of hiding and spying. What the friggity fuck am I doing? I don’t care about that pathetic twat anymore! “Oh,” a little voice in my head said, “But you must! For else you wouldn’t be observing him in such a way that would make MI6 proud.”

We took a stroll around to the main stage and admired a hot guy playing guitar for a bit and then 5 minutes later we were back in the acoustic tent, outraged at the fact that He seemed to be making fast friends with the blonde girl.

Was she prettier than me?

No! No, my friends assured me! Besides, Lucy is over there counting the number of times He looks at you.

16. So far

Kaitlyn is analysing the way He is speaking. A few lines at the girl, glance towards me. A few lines at the girl, a glance towards me.

All the while I am smiling.

Day 2

I look hot. Short, tight black dress with checkered shirt and obviously the must have festival wellies.

We get there about 4ish and form a huge group (the kind I would have been intimidated to walk past). We’re just hanging around until a band that we know comes on stage and then I see Him again.

Oh shit.

He’s with his dad. Fuck! How do I look? Lucy, is he looking? “Don’t look now Tabby but he’s staring.”

Good.

It gets darker and darker and I get more and more aware of where He is at any given point. I’m not even trying. It just sort of happens…

It’s hot and everyone is pressed together. His group and my group have mutual friends so there’s kind of a chain of people and in that chain, I am about 4 people away from him.

He always told me that he could get any girl he wanted and he could pull really easily. Why is it then, that even the boy that would rather be in a room with a rat than me, also thinks I am a better catch than that blonde girl? Why, if you can pull oh-so-easily, are you stuck with a girl who isn’t half as pretty as your ex? Why, if you could get any girl, have you had to drop your standards?

Because, you are a cocky, arrogant little shit who is an expert in spouting bullshit, plagiarising poetry and having your head really far up your arse without doing any obvious damage.

So I’m dancing, I’m having a good time, I’m getting chatted up by a mildly drunk/high guy when I notice Him and the girl dancing very close together. But He isn’t dancing with her, she is dancing with Him… There is a difference, apparently.

So, he thinks he can pull? Well I can pull faster.

This guy just won’t leave me alone and keeps trying to kiss me. He already has his arms round my waist and I made quite certain that He could see that.

I look behind me and the girl has her arm round His waist.

What the fuck does she think she is doing? He is not yours and never will be!

So I turn around, mildly drunk/high guy in tow and with a quick check to make sure He is watching, I let the guy kiss me, hands all over me and He can do nothing but watch as I prove to him that I don’t need him.

Really? You think you could one up me by talking to a girl? Oh honey we both know I was always too good for you. Now you get what you deserve, a girl who knows nothing about you. Doesn’t know the fact that you have to check the door is locked 6 times, doesn’t know that the toilet roll has to hang on the outside, doesn’t know that you love old books, are obsessed with the smiths and your favourite movie is monster in paris. You get what you deserve, a girl who doesn’t care enough to know, just like you didn’t care enough to make time for me.

So this is the story of how I got over a useless boy. It is the usual tale of revenge, mild stalking and resentment.

The funny part is that he thought he was better than me and the hilarious part is that he thought I would want him back.

Don’t ever cry over your Him because he is not worth it. He was lucky enough to have you at all and he fucked that up. HE is the mess, not you. Honey, don’t ruin your mascara because of his stupidity.

I realise I did a really shitty job of trying to make it up to you on my last post… I did, however, give you a completed song that actually made sense and stuff so you can’t complain too much.

Also I was busy…

Well I say “busy”…

In a loose sense of the word…

Well I did have a couple GCSEs and two plays and another play in rehearsal and coursework and mocks and stuff…

I’ve been to Lourdes, I got glasses, I went to Lille last week, I’ve watched all of Orange is the New Black (hurry the fuck up season 3 I want Laura Prepon back!!!), I got my results (an A* in statistics, A in core science), I smashed my phone, I kissed 7 different people, I went to 3 parties, I wrote several half finished songs, I made a cat out of potato, I saw a ford anglia, I got tweeted by Ophelia Dagger, hugged by a nun, got two injections, took shit loads of selfies and got a pedicure.

Oh yeah and I briefly managed to bag myself a boyfriend, which was nice. Until he broke up with me. Which, funnily enough, wasn’t so nice.

Hey ho, can’t complain I had two months of a guy thinking I (yes the girl that looks alarmingly like a walrus) was perfect. Yes I know, I thought he was delusional and clinically insane too.

Pros of breaking up:

1. I no longer have to pretend to be civilised

2. I don’t have to make my brain work to keep up with his intelligence

3. I don’t have to pretend to like English

4. I don’t have to put up with him spouting off about his anti-war opinions

5. I don’t have to listen to him go on and on about how every teacher ever loves him

6. I don’t have to share my food

7. I can finally finish Supernatural without him complaining about mythical inaccuracies

8. I can hang around with whoever the fuck I please without him objecting

Cons of breaking up

1. No one to make out with

2. No one to have in depth discussions about Skulduggery Pleasant with

3. No one to explain the fancy words I don’t understand

4. I don’t get to hang out with his super cool, ginger, thespian best friend who I think is insanely awesome and admire greatly (he’s off to a top drama university) – i think i’m gonna miss his friend more than him…

5. He was my drama teacher’s favourite and she suddenly liked me a lot more when I was with him. I fear I may be less like now

6. His mother is a teacher at my school which sucks major dick

7. I don’t get to go on the “couples campout” we’d planned with two other couples

So yeah it was fun while it lasted but now it’s over and I can find someone better who doesn’t think that Baz Luhrmann’s Great Gatsby is one of the worst films ever made (how? how could anyone possibly think that!?) At least he gave me my ukulele back (i said he could borrow my soprano) but he had fucking ruined it. He put it so out of tune, it made me physically shudder. I think he did more damage to my uke than my heart!

I went to a concert/festival thingy as well a few weeks ago. It’s a local thing that my town put on every year but I was always on holiday when it happened but this year I finally got to go. It was like a week after I had broken up with HIM and I was really looking forward to hanging with my friends, meeting some new people, dancing and just generally not giving a fuck. But when I got there, he was also there…

To be continued… (seriously this next part should be funny (you should totes read my next post)…. or at least it was from where I was standing)

Also sorry for not blogging. Not much I can say really. Fucking off to France tomorrow so won’t blog for at least a week and as you know all too well, infrequent and sporadic blogging is my favourite *only* type of blogging.

…………………………………………………………………… Well I wasn’t but I was doing other important stuff…………………… …………….Well it wasn’t important really but ya know!

Well I was in Lourdes on pilgrimage during half term so I couldn’t write then I was busy being religious…….

Then I’ve got like exams and stuff that I actually have been revising for……..

Then the best part…… I’m actually being sociable and going out! I went out last night and ended up with some guys who kept trying to get us to go into a pub even though we are 3 years underage but still…. that pub’s a shit-hole and will serve anyone!

And then today there’s been…… Stuff……. Happening…… At drama…….

That’s the other thing, I’m busy learning lines for shows and stuff and I’m in the middle of downloading over 600 songs to my iTunes account.

So erm yeah not very interesting today, I’m afraid. Gonna have to go because things to see, people to do (no that’s definitely the right way around ;P)