Ok everyone, it’s safe to come outside now. We can now all go back to our regularly scheduled lives. Didn’t you hear? The boogie man is dead. Yeah!! He was all shot up in the head yesterday and then thrown in the ocean. Dead! Done! So now we’re all completely safe once again. Doesn’t it feel good, kinda like a Snuggle Fabric Softener commercial?

We can emerge from our storm shelters shielding our eyes with our forearms from the strangely bright sun that we haven’t seen in 10 years and go back to flying on airplanes without sweaty palm syndrome. We’re now once again safe to let our kids play at parks, we’re safe to go to shopping malls , safe to celebrate birthdays, go on road trips, hell, we’re even safe to go camping now. Or are we?
It's as safe as a fresh, warm pile of snuggly laundry

Haven’t you ever seen Friday the 13th? Dude ain’t dead! He’ll sink to the bottom of the ocean, bump up against some high voltage cable, his fingers will start twitching and he’ll emerge on the banks of some summer-camp lake late at night, fashion a turban mask and hide out in an abandoned cabin and wait to avenge his death on unsuspecting teen partiers lookin’ for a place to play “hide the weasel”.

THE BAD GUY NEVER DIES! It’s a metaphor folks, that’s just how it works. So if you now think all is well in the world because the Prez-o, the media and all your friends at work say it is because the machete wielding, hockey masked legend of the lake is dead, then may I suggest you think again. You can stab him, you can put an axe in his head, empale him on a fence post, track him down in the middle of a goddamn desert behind eighteen foot high barbed-wire walls, two security

You can't stop me! You can only hope to CONTAIN me!

gates, shoot him in the head, drag his body out to sea and dump him to the depths where King Triton rules over all sea creatures. No matter what you do, the body lying on the ground is going to creepily sit straight up with some scary ass orchestra music and return to kill next summer at a theatre near you.

Candy In Your Inbox?

I left the candy in the van, come with me and we'll get some. What's your favorite? If you would like some candy in your inbox enter your email address and click on the button below. So .. do ya wan't some? It's yummy.

WARNING:

Van Full of Candy only encourages you to climb aboard metaphorical vans for the sole purpose of humorous content. Any embarking upon physical vans, existing in a three dimensional space is to be done with the foreknowledge that you will almost certainly be molested therein. But if that's your thing, enjoy the ride...