America Is Saved! “The Chosen One” Donald Trump Announces 2016 Bid

God Himself smiled upon America and the world on Tuesday, allowing the great Donald Trump – job-creator extraordinaire, reality TV host and builder of things – to officially launch his candidacy for President of the United States. In his incredible, not-at-all-crazy announcement speech, Trump demonstrated that reading from a script was for those “losers” and “incompetent” establishment candidates, laying out his ideas and thoughts in an off-the-cuff manner that only someone of Trump’s intellect can accomplish.

“Make America Great Again” was the slogan put forth by the nation’s savior, and Trump was not shy in calling out what caused the country’s demise. “We have losers, we have people that don’t have it,” he described of essentially anyone who isn’t him. “We have people that are morally corrupt. We have people who are selling this country down the drain.”

Trump instead offered himself as the very classy solution to America’s ills. “I will be the greatest jobs president that God ever created,” he declared as he proved that humility or humbleness were only reserved for lesser candidates. “When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let’s say, China in a trade deal? They kill us. I beat China all the time. All the time.”

Certainly no one could accuse the business mogul of eschewing the issues in favor of bluster and one-liners, as he presented a number of highly-nuanced policy positions. In the past Trump has said he doesn’t have advisers like many other candidates, because successful people don’t need them. Clearly that is true, as his specific ideas to fix America easily put any D.C. policy think tank to shame.

“I would build a great wall, and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me, and I’ll build them very inexpensively, I will build a great, great wall on our southern border,” Trump exclaimed in laying out his excellently thought-out border strategy that would totally work and Mexico would certainly agree to. “And I will have Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”

On Middle Eastern policy, Trump put other candidates’ plans to shame by unveiling his previously secret plan to combat ISIS, which wisely consisted of bombing the shit out of people. “ISIS has the oil,” Trump explained at his event in Des Moines. “And ISIS is rich. And what we should do now is go blast the hell out of that oil.”

“You go in and take the oil,” he proposed, a plan surely to be endorsed by all major foreign policy experts from both the right and the left. “[The U.S.] should have never given it up. ISIS is wealthy. We can take that wealth away from them.”

Trump also showed off his ability for benevolence, a necessity for any great leader, when describing the people of America’s southern neighbor. “When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best … they’re bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime. They’re rapists,” Trump said, but graciously noted they’re not all bad by adding, “And some, I assume, are good people.” Such generosity in his words is likely part of his winning strategy to bring Hispanic voters back to the GOP fold.

He seemed to additionally have his eye on appealing to early states as he spoke about the problems of Obamacare. “You have to get hit by a tractor, literally a tractor, to use it, because the deductibles are so high it’s virtually useless,” he said in an appeal clearly focused on Iowans, who face the dangers of tractor accidents at a much higher rate than the rest of the nation. “It is a disaster.”

Tuesday was also a sad day for several of the other Republican White House hopefuls, as Trump essentially ended their candidacies with his devastating attacks on their characters.

“He can’t even put on a tie and jacket,” Trump said of Jeb Bush’s laid-back appearance at Bush’s own announcement the day prior. “He’s running for president. Maybe he knows something I don’t know. Maybe I should take it off because I want to be one of everybody. You know what? You run for president, maybe put on a tie. I thought it was ridiculous.”

Marco Rubio was not spared either. “And by the way, I have better hair than he does, believe me,” Trump said of the other Florida front-runner.

“It’s terrible, what’s happening,” Trump said in Des Moines, basically a summation of his very serious, totally legitimate candidacy. “We have leadership that’s incompetent. We have people that are incompetent.”