Author: hownottokillyourself14

I am a 40 year old woman, who approximately a year ago was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. One of the major features of this, for me, is suicidal ideation. Or, in other words, an obsession with ending my own life. In this blog I plan to chronicle my efforts to stay alive, share a little bit about my experience of living with BPD and hopefully make you laugh (a bit).

Does anyone remember Columbo? Not the guy who discovered America, I mean the TV detective. Somewhere near the end of the show, he would be just about to leave a room and then he would turn around and say "...… just one more thing" and boom, he'd deliver his coup de grace. Well, there is... Continue Reading →

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve published anything (I’ve written things, but they were, to me, deeply unsatisfactory. Can something be deeply unsatisfactory? That’s like being extremely mediocre, or vastly tepid). Anyway, let’s just sum up the last two months of my life as periods of general general-ness, underpinned by a slow... Continue Reading →

I just wanted to write a brief message to say thank you to everyone who sponsored me for running the marathon and helped me to raise money for the charity Rethink. I raised around £260 in total, which I am very happy about. I especially want to say thank you to those people who donated... Continue Reading →

Some bucket list items are small and can be knocked off in an afternoon, some are a little bit longer in the making. So it is for #79 - Run a Marathon. Although, technically, the actual running did just take a few hours (no, I'm not going to say how many). I've got to be... Continue Reading →

Trigger warning: Some discussion of suicidal feelings and planning, one brief reference to methods. Fortunately, I’m not too worried about labels, so I wasn’t upset this week when my psychologist told me that I was psychotic and retarded. I’m half joking. She was most concerned that I understood and was not upset by the words.... Continue Reading →

It’s been a little while since I last wrote a blog post and I’m feeling a bit out of the rhythm. I thought I would ease myself back in gently by just updating my progress on The Bucket List. The bucket list is, to some extent, why I haven’t posted in a while – like... Continue Reading →

So, my last blog ended with me driving away from A&E in the back of a car with 2 staff from the Crisis Team. If this was a short story, that is where we would leave things. Nice cliff-hanger. Full of possibilities. But life isn’t like that. You don’t get to skip past the crap,... Continue Reading →

Trigger warning: I’m going to tell you about the antecedents to my first stay in residential psychiatric care. Inevitably (for me) this involves some fairly in-depth description of planning my suicide. So, if you think in any way that this is going to be triggering for you, just give it a miss. Please? For me?... Continue Reading →

I do love a good pun. D.I.D, as I have mentioned before, stands for Dissociative Identity Disorder. It’s been a bit of a feature for me over the last couple of weeks. Upon contemplation, I have decided that it sucks. However (always looking for the positives), it is about a billionty times better than clinical... Continue Reading →