Moving on for FET #4

Sorry that I’ve been a bit quiet responding to emails and commenting on blogs. I’m a bit hormonal. Plus in general mental. AF hasn’t helped – visited just briefly and lightly on Monday, almost disappeared Tuesday (not like her at all to not stay for a full-force visit), but then came full-on and with lots of pain this morning. I’m in a lot of pain. I wonder why the strange pattern and why so much pain – could my endometriosis be back? Is there any way to tell without a lap?

Originally my idea for this cycle was that I would take the test day off work, so that I wouldn’t have to be in the office or leave partially through the day if it got too much being here. But it hasn’t worked out. We’ve just had a new system go live, and my idiot of a manager approved leave for people this week (himself included). Grrh. So I’m in the office, crying my eyes out, and working with a project I asked to be taken off months ago (it deals with child protection, child abuse & neglect).

I phoned the IVF Unit yesterday morning to tell them the cycle had failed. Of course when I phoned early I got voicemail (which is fair enough – I know all the nurses are really busy in the morning taking care of OPUs and then the scans coming in). But then it means getting a phone call from them when I’m in the middle of work and there are people around. And of course I have a new phone with a touch screen that if I put it too close to my face magically goes to speakerphone – which it did and I had to sprint for the nearest free room before the nurse could loudly ask me about some bodily function I wouldn’t normally be discussing in the middle of my office. It was quite odd – I felt like I was outside my body hearing myself on this phone call rather than actually being on the phone call myself. I’ve made this phone call too many times. I shouldn’t be doing it again. But I could also hear my voice – I sounded shell-shocked and zombiesque. Lisa asked me if I wanted to do a FET immediately or if I’d like to wait and I just responded quickly ‘no waiting’. I had wanted to ask questions, however I couldn’t voice them. So I have a scan appointment for 24 September at 8 am. I guess I’ll ask some questions then.

In all my years of IVF and in 14 stimulated cycles, this is only my 4th frozen cycle. My embryos are that crap. And one of those cycle was cancelled because no embryos survived being thawed. I actually have 3 embryos – 1 x day 3 and 2 x day 4. The day 3 was from the same litter as my dearest Blobby. I don’t know if they can try to thaw if a day before transfer to let it catch up so that in case it or one of the other embryos doesn’t survive the thaw there are still 2. Or 1 if two die. I don’t know – I’ll ask at the scan.

Sorry for the disjointed post. My head is just all over the place. It’s been hard enough to just write this, much less make it coherent. You should see what I write before I take it apart and put it back together again. Spelling is gone; grammar is erratic.

My mind can’t do the things it usually can. My eyes are red and swollen; my heart is ripped apart.

Advertisements

Like this:

LikeLoading...

Related

You don’t have to apologise. This is your blog; you can write in any style with absolute lack of grammar and spelling if you need to. I’m sending good thoughts towards those frosties right now and hoping they all survive the thaw. I’m glad you’ve got your cycle all sorted out so at least there’s a plan. Of course you’re hormonal right now, I completely understand and just feel so awful for you. I know there is nothing more I can do but I am always here for you. Also, yuk! About the project at work. How unfair you have to be thinking about something which is so painful for you at this time. ((((HUGS))))

Those phone calls are hard enough without having the stress of having to deal with them at work. And having to go to work at times like this really sux. I know there’s not much I can say to make you feel better, I wish there was some magic words.

Oh I just wish I could give you a big hug. Or a basket of baked goods. Or magically make it all better.

I’ve been wondering, (couldn’t find any info in your posts) have you had any testing for implantation failure done? As far as I can see you have had some genetics and a few anti-clotting disorder tests, but that’s it. Just wondering if there is an answer out there somewhere for you.