The hot lights. The sweaty palms. The inexplicable urge to pee even though you went five minutes ago. The butterflies of anticipation that come alive in your stomach. Just before you go onstage.

I miss theatre.

My dear friend Bobbi is lucky enough to have theatre class along with an improv class this semester and I find a part of me very jealous.

But that’s ok. Because it reminded me of the most important lesson I learned in theatre.

Be In The Moment.

It has come to my attention that many of my blogs give the impression that I only like my children if I’m away from them and that I can’t wait to get away from them. Granted, this opinion was stated by someone who does not have any of her own. So while she loves my children, she has yet to experience All Your Time Are Belong to Us mode that you truly can’t feel until you are mom. Especially one of the stay at home variety where if you don’t make it happen, you will never get time to yourself.

This is simply not true. I do love my children. Dearly. I might feel the occasional urge to strangle them (particularly The Tackler), but that’s just a testament to his masterful skill at pushing my buttons. Repeatedly.

The two main reason my blog does tend to focus on the more “negative” moments of parenting are:

1) Writing is cathartic and in the act of typing out those feelings about the times when I doubt my sanity in becoming a parent, I am reaching out to others and getting support from those who have been there. I learn it’s perfectly normal to somehow love these adorable monkeys yet wonder if they are demon spawn in the same breath.

2) The pitfalls and steep drops in parenting provide more humor and make for better blog topics. Those who have Been There Done That can go “Thank goodness we’ve passed that stage.”

I know that a year from now I can go back and read these blogs and laugh until I cry. I can (hopefully) say, “Thank goodness we’ve passed that stage and The Tackler no longer fills his diaper while he’s sleeping so if we didn’t notice the stench it would get everywhere, and Lil Diva no longer whines emphatically when we wander out of her sight.”

Instead I wonder, will The Tackler still be willing to sit on my lap and snuggle with me when there isn’t popcorn involved? When I hold my arms out reaching toward Lil Diva, will she still mimic me and do the same as she runs toward me as fast as her legs can carry her?

Heaven help me if The Tackler still isn’t somehow potty trained after this already 9 month ongoing saga…. especially if Lil Diva starts her training early (and given her expressed dislike for dirty diapers, it’s likely)…

So I’m trying to take that theatre lesson to heart.

Be In The Moment.

This is always easier to accomplish when not sleep deprived. Still..

When Lil Diva orbits me like I’m the sun and she’s my little planet, I focus on the little things. Her drooling grin that has tooth #4 shooting up (it popped 3 days ago, the second center one on her right side) while #5 (the left middle center that matches tooth #3) is just starting to poke through. The look of joy on her face as she runs toward me. Her sweet baby smell as she wraps her arms around me for a hug just before turning around to plop into my lap (we will assume it’s not for the “I need my diaper changed” hug which does also occur). The feeling of her soft skin as she leans against my chest. The sound of her voice that sounds more purposeful than babbling and more like she’s already speaking in a language that I have yet to understand. The full belly laughter as I play the same stinky feet game with her that I played with her brother to keep them from rolling away during a diaper change.

Because soon… all too soon… She’ll be bigger. She might not think I’m her sun anymore.

Or I still will be, but when the black hole of Daddy is around, my gravitational pull just won’t be strong enough anymore.

Kind of like it is with The Tackler most times.

So when I get those moments of “Mommy play with me,” I’m going to make it happen.

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About Kelly K @ Dances with Chaos

Kelly K has learned the five steps to surviving of motherhood:
1) Don't get mad. Grab your camera. 2) Take a photograph. 3) Blog about it. 4) Laugh. 5) Repeat.
She shares these tales at Dances with Chaos in order to preserve what tiny amount of sanity remains.
You can also find her on her sister blog, Writing with Chaos (www.writingwithchaos.com) sharing memoir and engaging in her true love: fiction writing.
It's cheaper than therapy.

6 Responses to Be In The Moment

Ah, I really like this post. I’m only 4 months into being a mum and I already miss time alone: http://myfirstbub.wordpress.com/2010/08/19/missing-time-alone/
It’s honestly something you can’t grasp the full extent of until you become a mother. There are a few comments after my post that made me realise I need to treasure this time while Finn is so young. Like you said, Be In The Moment.

Losing that “me” or “alone” time I feel is the most difficult thing to adjust to as a new parent. You can get used to zero sleep (you don’t like it, but you adapt). You can get used to diapers, and spit up. You get used to it taking 5 times longer to leave the house than it used to and bringing a bag prepared for every eventuality. And loving that new little bundle, well, if you were like me you loved it from the moment you knew they existed.

They grow SO fast. As Kyra approaches her 1st birthday, I’m left wondering “Where did that first year go?” Now I almost wish I could slow down time and keep my sweet Angel Kiss loving me as the center of her universe who loves nothing better than to plop herself on my lap and lean against me.