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Soo... checked the topic out of curiousity, and I have to say that it really got me hooked.Now, it might sound a bit silly, but I was rather relieved when Damian died. It was the typical character I would not enjoy as a protagonist, therefore... yeah. As said, it might sound silly, but it makes sense IMO.The coffins and the marks. I guess at this point I can say that it's all very mysterious? I like it, the setting looks very, very promising. :3The only thing that confused me a bit is what happened to the other two men, but the more I think about it the more I get a feeling that the answer might be within the next one or two chapters, so probably all I have to do is wait...Overall: can't wait to read more =D

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^ click the above banner to read "Doubt", a two part comic connected to the Bionicle Mafia Booksby Voltex!

Always a good start. :PI wouldn't want him as a protagonist either. :lol:Thank you, I was going for mysterious-ness.Unfortunately, the answer won't be in the next few chapters, but they will be referred back to eventually. (spoiler: they died. )Thanks! - Vorex

Well, I didn't really expect Damian to be a protagonist so much as a villain. I was actually disappointed that he was so moronic as to open the seventh coffin. That's so completely a cliche from a bad horror movie. If he had any brains he wouldn't have done it.Anyway, my other things. The chapter was a bit short, but it was a prologue, so all is forgiven. I wrote a prologue to an upcoming web serial of mine and it ended up way too long. Let's just hope that future chapters, for their two-week interludes, are much fuller, and that the main character, when introduced, is a treat.Also, the paragraphs need to be clearer. It looks like you copied and pasted this from a Word document. Either go with block format or ad ".........." before each paragraph and format it white.Another thing that stood out to me right away was that you described the appearances of each of the three men. It was conspicuous and it stopped the flow of the storytelling, especially now that I'm under the impression that none of them were particularly relevant to the narrative and that I won't be getting to know any of them.

I made it clear that he was an American celebrity. After that, I wouldn't have expected anyone to think he'd be all that intelligent. :PUsually, I do write longer chapters, but I have a tendency to write rather short prologues. As for the main character... well, I'll just say that you may not be getting quite what you expect, judging by your wording there. ;)I'll keep that in mind, thanks. :)I felt the need to describe the characters. It just seemed... lazy, to me, to just leave them all completely to the reader's imagination. I won't be putting much description into unimportant characters most of the time, but I felt the need to describe these ones, seeing as they were the only ones in the prologue, if that makes sense.- Vorex

It's normally very hard for me to get into the beginning of something, such as a book or a story such as this, but I must say this was really easy to get into and very addicting. The detailing was clear enough so I could imagine where they were, and I liked that. Really interested to hear more about these coffins, and what they have to do with the main characters. I'm also gonna guess by the last coffins symbol and Mr. Mummy mans powers that the last one was Time? Or maybe Thyme? Oh, or oregano... Er, anyways. Really enjoyed the first chapter and will definitely be back for the second!

Thanks for all the compliments! I've had some trouble with detailing in the past, so it's good to know it was easy enough to visualise it. You were closer with your wording regarding main characters. Nice guess. Can't say whether or not it was right.Even though the fact that I just said I couldn't say so means that it's now pretty obvious.I'm glad to hear/read that! - Vorex

Alrighty, so I reviewed the prologue over PMs so I'll do some copy-paste magicness.

Wotz: I just love the writing style of it. From what I've seen so far though, it should totally be a Doctor Who episode Vorex: It's nice to have my writing style complimented. And, once I've got a little further into it, you'll realise that this isn't really a Doctor Who kind of thing...Wotz: I know, but all your prologues have a kind of Who-y feel to them

So, on to chapter 1:Bit 1: Alex's appearance reminds me of me ^.^ Although he seems to lack my phenomenal dress sense :PHim talking to Christina seemed like a serious version of some kind of mix between Transformers and The Inbetweeners, but maybe that's just me.Bit 2: MARK BEARER ALERTBit 3: Ooh, nice and Potter-y. Although I think it might have worked better if we'd seen Ryan be a prick beforehand, then it would be more satisfying to see him get magicked.

Alrighty, so I reviewed the prologue over PMs so I'll do some copy-paste magicness.

Wotz: I just love the writing style of it. From what I've seen so far though, it should totally be a Doctor Who episode Vorex: It's nice to have my writing style complimented. And, once I've got a little further into it, you'll realise that this isn't really a Doctor Who kind of thing...Wotz: I know, but all your prologues have a kind of Who-y feel to them

So, on to chapter 1:Bit 1: Alex's appearance reminds me of me ^.^ Although he seems to lack my phenomenal dress sense :PHim talking to Christina seemed like a serious version of some kind of mix between Transformers and The Inbetweeners, but maybe that's just me.Bit 2: MARK BEARER ALERTBit 3: Ooh, nice and Potter-y. Although I think it might have worked better if we'd seen Ryan be a prick beforehand, then it would be more satisfying to see him get magicked.

1: Hoodies and jeans and converse are cool.(but yeah, he does sorta look a lot like you)2: Hey, they're magical people with tattoos, what did you expect?3: I was thinking more superpowers than magic, but yeah. I suppose. (also, you don't even need to see him, he's pretty obviously one)- Vorex

Aaah, I like the path this story is apprently going to take. Although a bit predictable at times, it was interesting.And there's definitely some sort of 'urban fantasy' vibe, but that could also be just me hoping for things =PI just kinda wish the chapters were a bit longer. ^^"

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^ click the above banner to read "Doubt", a two part comic connected to the Bionicle Mafia Booksby Voltex!

Well, first chapter. It's okay if it's a little predictable (I wasn't going for anything really original with Alex's introduction -- I considered this likely the least interesting one, so I wanted to get it out of the way first). (not entirely sure what 'urban fantasy' is, but I'd say that it's probably at least something close)I'll work on that. - Vorex

Well, first chapter. It's okay if it's a little predictable (I wasn't going for anything really original with Alex's introduction -- I considered this likely the least interesting one, so I wanted to get it out of the way first). (not entirely sure what 'urban fantasy' is, but I'd say that it's probably at least something close)I'll work on that. - Vorex

Ah, okay. Then I'm curious to see what the 'more interesting' chapters will be like. ... you asked:'Urben fantasy' is a sub-genre of contemporary Fantasy literature which has fantasy elemtents, but in an urban setting. Although not necessarily, stories are often set in our times, which for example makes it possible for characters to lok up mythical creatures on the internet or similar.Depending on whether they're aimed at teenagers or adults, there are differences in terms of structure and plot (such as stories for teens involving more 'love stories' or the typical 'teens with mythical abilities save the day', whereas stories in adult fiction there's often involve a more complex 'otherworld')[a bit long, but I chose urban fantasy as my special field for my final exams, so I did some research on it =P]so yeah, it's really probably something close. ^^That would be awesome.

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^ click the above banner to read "Doubt", a two part comic connected to the Bionicle Mafia Booksby Voltex!

This feels a bit...I'm having trouble putting my finger on what I'm not liking here. The characters don't quite feel real to me, and this basically sounds like Spider-Man set in Britain (although that's not such a new idea, considering that the latest actor to portray him is British). What I feel is that the discovery of his power came too quickly, before the character was even really known to the reader. There was some attempt at characterization, but nothing was done as far as humanizing him, so this really feels half-baked and rushed. I think you really kind of have to get into his psyche before leaping to the types of things that he finds he can do, because I'm not interested in the powers yet. I'm waiting to make sure that the main character is someone whose shoes I can walk in rather than a name. You just haven't set him up emotionally yet, and the reason the story needs that is because I'm interested in how the powers affect him on a deeper level. Right now, this just seems to be an excuse just so say "look, he can shoot lightning from his hands."As for the bully boyfriend, that all seemed painfully contrived. I kind of want an explanation as to why the girl went out with him in the first place and how he affected her psychologically. I'm glad that she was frightened by Alex, since realistically I think that's what should happen, but otherwise there's just something really lacking as far as how this space was taken up, and it didn't really take me on any sort of journey, nor did it set up for one.Even though shorter chapters attract more readers, for the integrity of the story I think you might want to put a lot more into each one of them, because so far I've been left a bit unsatisfied and unclear if some of my questions (such as who Alex is as a human being) will ever be answered in future chapters.

This feels a bit...I'm having trouble putting my finger on what I'm not liking here. The characters don't quite feel real to me, and this basically sounds like Spider-Man set in Britain (although that's not such a new idea, considering that the latest actor to portray him is British). What I feel is that the discovery of his power came too quickly, before the character was even really known to the reader. There was some attempt at characterization, but nothing was done as far as humanizing him, so this really feels half-baked and rushed. I think you really kind of have to get into his psyche before leaping to the types of things that he finds he can do, because I'm not interested in the powers yet. I'm waiting to make sure that the main character is someone whose shoes I can walk in rather than a name. You just haven't set him up emotionally yet, and the reason the story needs that is because I'm interested in how the powers affect him on a deeper level. Right now, this just seems to be an excuse just so say "look, he can shoot lightning from his hands."As for the bully boyfriend, that all seemed painfully contrived. I kind of want an explanation as to why the girl went out with him in the first place and how he affected her psychologically. I'm glad that she was frightened by Alex, since realistically I think that's what should happen, but otherwise there's just something really lacking as far as how this space was taken up, and it didn't really take me on any sort of journey, nor did it set up for one.Even though shorter chapters attract more readers, for the integrity of the story I think you might want to put a lot more into each one of them, because so far I've been left a bit unsatisfied and unclear if some of my questions (such as who Alex is as a human being) will ever be answered in future chapters.

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Just so that you know, not everything will be set in Britain. I chose England for this particular character, though.(and I probably should have expected some comparison to Spider-Man, but somehow I didn't. Probably due to the fact that there are multiple characters with powers)The character should be better explained as things go along (that's how I normally write, letting the reader get to know the character as the story goes along), and the powers will have effects on the characters (on him and another of the Marked especially).That wasn't really explained, because it only has real importance in this chapter. The being frightened made sense in my mind, and will have an effect on Alex. While I can confirm that Christina does actually appear in person later, her personality isn't really gone into, as she's more of a background character than a main character after this (and even in this chapter she wasn't the main character). And I'm sorry this didn't particularly set things up for a journey, in your opinion.I will try to write longer chapters, and as I said before, Alex's identity should be further explained as things go along. I tend to use characters' interactions with each other to explain who they are. I'll also try to put more effort into them, as you suggest.- Vorex

Well, well, finally another chapter! =DAnd I really enjoyed reading it. Can't really put into words why exactly, but I think it's because of the characters. David and Liam are just... well, to me they're both kinda cute, especially in interaction. ^^And the part with electrocution and electrification was hilarious. xD

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^ click the above banner to read "Doubt", a two part comic connected to the Bionicle Mafia Booksby Voltex!

You have an RL friend of mine to thank for that; had he not nagged me about it every day, I mightn't have gotten the chapter done even in another week. :PI quite like my characters. And I'm not sure how to respond to that, but I'm gonna go with 'thanks'. :lol:I thought it fit in well with my image of Alex, and it's the kind of thing that really bugs me IRL so I thought I may as well point it out through my writing.- Vorex

I'm going to have to agree with OM. Everything's going incredibly fast. It's going at the very least three times the speed that it needs to be going at. When Liam explained things to David, he got into the technical details and David just caught on way too fast. He could have resisted Liam a lot more and that encounter could have been drawn out more as well so that we could see reality gradually sink in for David, but his discovery of his powers were describbed in essentially one paragraph where he managed to avoid getting hit by a car, and Liam's interjection asking if he had superpowers just seemed really weird, even after it was revealed that he knew about the powers in the first place.David got some characterisation in the beginning through exposition, but it seemed to have nothing to do with his presence once you actually started using him as a character. Same with Liam, who I imagined as some sort of dweebish emo but then he turned out to be some sort of Irish Hitler. I'm not entirely sure how to pin him, and everything was a bit confusing.

I'm going to have to agree with OM. Everything's going incredibly fast. It's going at the very least three times the speed that it needs to be going at. When Liam explained things to David, he got into the technical details and David just caught on way too fast. He could have resisted Liam a lot more and that encounter could have been drawn out more as well so that we could see reality gradually sink in for David, but his discovery of his powers were describbed in essentially one paragraph where he managed to avoid getting hit by a car, and Liam's interjection asking if he had superpowers just seemed really weird, even after it was revealed that he knew about the powers in the first place.David got some characterisation in the beginning through exposition, but it seemed to have nothing to do with his presence once you actually started using him as a character. Same with Liam, who I imagined as some sort of dweebish emo but then he turned out to be some sort of Irish Hitler. I'm not entirely sure how to pin him, and everything was a bit confusing.

2401

Well, the proper details of David's powers haven't been gone into, and if you saw someone's eyes light up and then jump and land on a car, you would have to wonder. And Liam was trying to make himself seem moronic, to get David's guard down.The description of David at the start of the chapter was not important inside the chapter itself, but that's not to say that it won't be important. Liam, as I said, was trying to get David's guard down.- Vorex

Bit 1: To be honest Liam isn't exactly the most imposing villain ever He does seem ever so slightly Moriarty-ish, which is a plus. David's a bit... Normal, but he's pretty likeable I 'spose. Knowing you though, he'll be very different by the end.Bit 2: Not entirely sure what this bit's all about. Is this another power of David's or is there larger power at work? http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/sarcastic.gif That little electrified thingy reminded me of BZPRPG N&D.Bit 3: Nice day.

Bit 1: To be honest Liam isn't exactly the most imposing villain ever He does seem ever so slightly Moriarty-ish, which is a plus. David's a bit... Normal, but he's pretty likeable I 'spose. Knowing you though, he'll be very different by the end.Bit 2: Not entirely sure what this bit's all about. Is this another power of David's or is there larger power at work? http://www.bzpower.c...tyle_emoticons/default/sarcastic.gif That little electrified thingy reminded me of BZPRPG N&D.Bit 3: Nice day.

Bit 1: David will have to be the 'straight hero' of the group. And, Liam isn't meant to be the imposing villain at the moment, there are multiple villains. He's the 'misguided' villain; as you probably know, there's usually at least one in each piece of fiction I write. Bit 2: Power of David's. Instinctive Foresight is able to give him visions about the other Marked, which is why Liam tried to get to him first.Bit 3: Indeed.- Vorex

Alrighty, new chapter.Bit 1: She plays guitar :wub:Bit 2: I was a little confused at first, I thought her dad was secretly a criminal.Bit 3: Not big on eating breakfast, is she?Bit 4:

playing Angry Birds on her phone

WHHYYYYYAlso interesting you used the name 'Sam', which could be a boy or a girl, if you catch my drift...Overall this is one of the better chapters so far. The pacing is a truckload better than that of the overly fast (IMHO) first and second chapters.

Alrighty, new chapter.Bit 1: She plays guitar :wub:Bit 2: I was a little confused at first, I thought her dad was secretly a criminal.Bit 3: Not big on eating breakfast, is she?Bit 4:

playing Angry Birds on her phone

WHHYYYYYAlso interesting you used the name 'Sam', which could be a boy or a girl, if you catch my drift...Overall this is one of the better chapters so far. The pacing is a truckload better than that of the overly fast (IMHO) first and second chapters.

1: 2: Yeah, I got how that could be confusing, but I was hoping everyone would catch on.3: Breakfast is for mortals. And people with enough energy to get out of bed.4: BECAUSE ANGRY BIRDS, WOTZ. It's one of the most famous things in modern society.Yeah, Wotz, I catch it. Thanks. This is the first chapter I properly planned out, and the first to actually have a second draft, which is why the pacing is so much better. - Vorex

Okay, you finally got me to read it so now it’s time for me to make me review it. I just hope this doesn’t come across as too critical. Which it probably will and should, given I’m being a critic.

Right, the first thing I noticed was that whenever you introduced a character you would stop the entire story to give a paragraph or two detailing their appearance and what their general personality is like and while that’s all well and good, it does come across as a bit jarring. Jean Valjean commented on the same thing and though your response was perfectly legitimate, I just want to add onto his point by saying that it doesn’t mean you should just not bother describing them at all. You just need to find a way to describe them gradually. Introduce the character and give the reader tidbits of detail as we go on. For example in chapter 4 you say “and although she didn’t know it her eyes had gone from blue to a dark shade of purple”. It just feels so much more detached from the rest of the story, whereas you could have had Eve look in a mirror at some point and discover for herself that her eyes had changed colour. This would also have allowed for character building as the reader sees her reaction to such a confusing difference. I guess it’s just a matter of showing and not telling which makes things flow so much easier.

Next up I guess I should comment on another thing that’s been brought up before and that’s just how everyone seems to react to everything. I have to be honest in saying that in every chapter there’s a moment that makes me wonder why a character didn’t show a completely different response. In chapter 1, it’s Alex confronting the bully. When his powers start showing, Ryan’s only response to a glowing teenager is “Fancy lightshow”. Even if Alex had run up with a hundred glowsticks shoved down his back that has to be a cause for at least some reconsideration of the assault. Likewise in chapter 2, David seems a little too accepting of Liam’s speech. Liam is literally some guy he has never met before who comes up to him and starts ranting about how humans are pathetic , how an ancient evil has awoken and all of that stuff. If someone did that to me, I’d think he’s nuts yet David seems to take it all in his stride as though this was a normal day. Finally in chapter 3, I have to wonder just what Mark was thinking when his daughter passed out and his best response was to tuck her into bed and leave her all alone. Alice’s reaction to Eve’s mind reading abilities was a little curious too as she almost immediately went from sceptical to excited. There wasn’t even the moment of horror I’d have thought would be common to see in someone who just found out there’s someone they can’t hide a single secret from.

One small note I have to make is on the character of Liam. I said before how almost the first thing that he seems to do upon meeting David is practically tell him that everyone he knows and loves is a piece of dirt that he’d love to step on. If he’s trying to manipulate people onto his side then I don’t think he’s doing a very good job because surely only a few very mean-spirited people will react to this with “Okay sure, let’s crush some ants”. Perhaps if he took his introduction slower and maybe fed hints and suggestions for world domination into conversations every now and again, joining him might not seem such a bad idea.

Finally I just have a couple of loose comments to make on top of these. First of all, if you could space out the paragraphs it would make things much easier to read than if they’re all in one big clump. I also noticed you have a tendency to overuse commas which can give a sentence a very stop-start feel.

I should probably finish off by saying that this probably does seem like quite a negative review but it isn’t and I do want to see this story improve. These are just the things that need working on. So far, I think it’s interesting and if you can iron out the creases then you’ll have something great on your hands.

Alright-y then...For the moment, I'm sticking with my current method, but I will take what you've said into consideration.Okay, I'll treat the reactions individually:Ryan: Ryan was sure enough that Alex was weak and pathetic that he didn't give attacking him a second thought, confident that he could beat him to within an inch of his life even if his eyes were lighting up strange colours. I'm pretty sure I mentioned that his gang wasn't as confident, though.David: The thing about Liam's speech was that, unlike a random person walking up to you on the street and telling you they were going to take over the world, Liam showed David that he had power. Normal guy says he's going to take over the world, you suggest a counsellor. Guy uses telekinesis and then says he's going to take over the world, I would expect someone to either panic, retreat, or fight back.Mark: He didn't actually leave her alone, at first -- she was out for quite a while, and satisfied that she was still alive, they eventually left her on her own. They checked on her a few times, but weren't beside her constantly.Alice: Alice trusts Eve. That's why, after some protest, she took her seriously, and that's also why she wasn't horrified at the idea of Eve hearing her every thought. There would have been a few worried thoughts, but especially given the reason for them, pushing them out of the way would be the best option.Liam was raised on the belief that he was superior to everyone else (as is actually shown in Chapter 5). He expects David to join him because he was brought up on the belief that he was meant to rule the world, and that David and the other Marked were meant to rule it with him.He didn't get out much. :PBeginning in Chapter 4, there is spacing between paragraphs, you'll be glad to know. :PAnd I'm sorry about the commas, I'll keep an eye out for that. :)Thank you, and I don't mind that it was a tad negative. It was constructive: you told me what I'd done wrong, and explained how you would improve them, as opposed to, say, just telling me it was going too fast. *looks at a certain post in this topic*- Vorex

There was just one thing that irked me a bit; and that was the point where you all of a sudden introduced a 1st person narrator (the "unlike the other characters I have introduced so far" part), which just somehow didn't fit in with the rest 100%. Maybe that's just because it has never occurred so far, though ^^

Edited by Taka Nuvia ~ Demon Jester, Dec 13 2012 - 01:36 PM.

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^ click the above banner to read "Doubt", a two part comic connected to the Bionicle Mafia Booksby Voltex!

Good to know. :PThe first-person narration always makes it in at some point when I'm writing, but there was a genuine reason for it; although the chapters are written in the third-person, the way they're narrated changes slightly depending on which character it focuses on (for example, Stephen's name isn't known to David at first, so he's referred to as 'boy' or 'teenager'). Stephen's is more informal, and a tad condescending.- Vorex

Like so often, I enjoyed the chapter, but this time, even though it was not that short, things were going a bit too fast for me. Not fast as in, too much information can't process, but fast in terms of pacing. IMO Crux breaking Alex worked a bit too easily;: but then again, I probably don't know the characters like you do. ^^"

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^ click the above banner to read "Doubt", a two part comic connected to the Bionicle Mafia Booksby Voltex!

Like so often, I enjoyed the chapter, but this time, even though it was not that short, things were going a bit too fast for me. Not fast as in, too much information can't process, but fast in terms of pacing. IMO Crux breaking Alex worked a bit too easily;: but then again, I probably don't know the characters like you do. ^^"

[color=#4b0082;]I'll admit that Alex was somewhat easily broken, but he really wants Christina to remain out of what's going on, although it is for more selfish reasons than he admitted. The main reason for the last scene in the chapter was actually how quickly he was broken, proving that even Crux was surprised by how quickly he agreed.[/color]

Chapter 4:I swear there won't be much fourth-wall-breaking, but I explained the reasons for it.In a scene which didn't appear in the chapter, Stephen accidentally activated them, and proceeded to try and find out more about them.Think Kualsi. He will teleport beyond danger, but only if he recognises the danger and he can see a safe place.Chapter 5:I would really consider David more similar to Pirok, but I will admit that Alex is my favourite character in Marked.Crux = Light Is Not GoodI probably put more work into Alex scenes... :POH NOOOOOOOO :oIndeed.Chapter 5 is better because it has Alex.- Vorex

Somehow Electricity stands out a bit, if you ask me. All the other powers/abilities/whatever would basically fit into any period of time, but how could one explain to a medieval person what electricity is? Sure, it might all seem like magic to them, but somehow... it's a bit odd.

Apart from that the chapter's fine, though. Not as fast-paced as some of the previous ones, which is a good thing. ^^

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^ click the above banner to read "Doubt", a two part comic connected to the Bionicle Mafia Booksby Voltex!

I think I made clear in private my immense distaste for a building slap bang in the middle of London that rivals the scale of the Empire State building, yet Alex hasn't heard of it and nobody else really cares. It really throws away the whole feeling that this is set in the real world and just asdfghjkl;pain.

On the other hand, I really like the underground bit, it reminds me a bit of MI6 from the Alex Rider novels, kinda like how I imagine Crux as looking like an Albino Bill Nighy.

Convenient that they happened to turn up in the right place. A bit of destiny kicking in there methinks...

I want to get out of her

Should be here, unless you were going for some kind of sick minded subliminal messaging.

i dun see no boomtoran y

So yeah pretty good chapter, it'd be on par with the last one if not for the ridiculous building slap bang in the middle of London. A nice length as well, almost up to my ideal chapter length which is a plus.