I have a very unique relationship with this young man. You see, Jarrett died from a brain aneurysm nearly four years before I knew he existed; he was 13 years old.

Shortly after Kalei’s funeral service I became aware of a grave due north of where she is buried. Whenever I tended her marker, my eyes would be drawn to this other grave. Eventually I walked over to it, read the words imprinted on it and just, well, started talking to the person whose name was on that marker – Jarrett John Alley.

I would say things like, “Your parents take such good care of your room here” or “Your mom always brings you the most amazing flowers” or “Are you and Kalei together?” It did not take long for my mind to imagine the two of them spending time together in the parallel universe of spirit. After that I just seemed natural to visit Jarrett’s grave whenever I went to the cemetery to tend Kalei.

Over the years his parents and I spent hours sharing memories of our children. Eventually I became so familiar with Jarrett’s spirit that I began adding shape and color to my image of him from his parents stories. At times it felt like I knew him better than, say…my living nieces and nephews. That does not mean I am not close to them, it just means that I have a more fulsome picture of Jarrett because I was introduced to the immenseness of his spirit first and his less powerful human self second. Normally, it is the other way around. That difference changes your perspective and the relationship you have with that person, a lot.

Until today, I did appreciate the significance of Jarrett’s 18 year death anniversary event – I have not lived that experience yet. On this day, like I have done so on many other event days, I am the student and his family are my teachers.

18 is a big number. Why? The timeframe between infancy and adulthood spans 18 years. As a society we think of raising a child for 18 years before they head off to the next phase of their growth as independent adults. Jarrett was not only denied that gift, but in the complex parental grief mind, being dead for 18 years reminds us that our child did not get to complete that all important life cycle. It just feels so big when you think of it that way.

And so young man, on this your 18th death anniversary, I honor you and the family who love you so very much. If you are looking down at just the right time, you might see the candle I prepared for you in acknowledgement of this very special day.