Garbage Guide To PUBG – How To Win Every Game

PlayerUnknown Battlegrounds is a game where you are made of paper, and your enemies are made of titanium. Therefore you need a guide from an experienced player, but instead I’m gonna do it PlayerUnknown Battlegrounds: The Ultimate Life-or-Death Fight, or for short: PUBGTUL&DF has exploded in popularity, and I’m here to make the perfect tutorial. Now, I’m sure you have two questions. Why should we trust you Kilian? You seem pretty bad at the game, why not literally anyone else? True, I have the same skill has an untrained golden retriever, but coaches aren’t always the best in the world. Barcelona’s manager thought they played badminton, Hitler had never won a World War but no one complained when he decided to coach Germany. Second question: Battlegrounds is for Twitch streamers, and you are an ad-unfriendly YouTuber. Is this really legal? I looked into it and, as of right now, yeah, it’s completely legal But EU Parliament is pushing to make it Twitch exclusive… All in all, trust me on this one guys. I have never won a game so I know what not to do Before you even look for a match remember that in-game footsteps and gunshots are…very distracting.

Turn off all sounds and replace it with a nice calming didgeridoo Every game starts with you being on this island. A lot of Battleground players are former CS:GO players So if you see a CS:GO pro looking motherfucker you might as well leave. Then we decide where to drop. There are several maps on where the best loot is Let’s not go there. Like every game, looting is boring. We’ll drop next to one of these zones and shoot someone leaving one of them That way everyone else loots for you. Now if you hate yourself and looting fulfills you sexually: grab a car. You can drive to all of these places and get any loot Now that we have the best gear possible, we want to decide a mid-game strategy The best thing about PUBG Is that it awards my natural tendency of being a coward.

I’m gonna hide. Back in the day to escape from saber-tooth tigers and raptors, etc. we hid in caves So I searched everywhere for a nice cave then I searched everywhere for any cave then I Googled if the game had caves. It does not. It didn’t matter though, because I was stuck. It is Early Access The battleground has bunkers Yet they are a pointless place to hide because of the death circle. Death from the blue wall is a fate worse than death. So instead we’ll travel to the center of the circle Enter a house and wait here for everyone to kill themselves. It won’t take long In this game it is very easy to kill yourself ♪ Use a Molotov instead of your SCAR ♪ ♪ Jump out of a moving car ♪ ♪ Take a walk on the bridge ♪ ♪ Play the game on your grandma’s fridge ♪ ♪ PUBG ways to die ♪ ♪ so many PUBG ways to die ♪ ♪ PUBG ways to di-i-ie ♪ ♪ so many PUBG ways to die ♪ Hiding here will be boring, so I suggest doing something else while waiting Personally, I watched Peruvian soap operas.

“In Los Amores, Los Alpacas, Karina is in love with Miguel, but Miguel is in love with an alpaca” It’s so enchanting I missed the entire game So that plan won’t work. I’ll get too distracted. I’ll have to make stealth more exciting…like in Metal Gear I’ll come up with a ridiculous backstory then grab a scope and shoot people in the back who never had a chance. Then use corny dialogue to justify it. “Because I know there’s no honor in this but I lost my honor a long time ago.” What if I never get a long-range weapon though? Then you are screwed! You’re just gonna have to crawl the entire map. If you get shot in the back, it’s time to run.

If you see anyone else you just…pretend to be a snake Pretend to be a snake [HISSING] sss-I’m a snake This is… actually getting me very far. The reason pretend to be a snake works is because everyone else is also bad Yet I still keep dying. I completely forgot that people hate snakes. That’s it no more sneaking Hiding is weak.

I’m a warrior What is best in life? To crush your enemies See them driven before you and to hear them spazzing out in voice chat. The big problem was being a warrior in this game is that it’s the easiest way to find out how bad you are. So I will still need a strat. Fight people before they have good gear. A lot of folks go to these high-rise buildings and fight it out. Wow! Everyone else has faster computers than me! Referenced Arnold earlier… What would he do? He dies in every Terminator movies so running around with a shotgun shouting catchphrases is out of the question. But to defeat the Predator he got naked. Let’s do this! As a naked person no-one can see me with their heat vision Uuuuhhh “Please add heat vision. Thank you.” We pretend to be a snake the sneakiest animal, but what if we pretend to be the greatest warrior in the animal kingdom… the alpaca. No… the honey badger. Wow, they really need to rename him to something less sweet I shall now win every game by being fearless! I can’t do it.

I’m so scared. Don’t hurt me, guy in the house. This warrior thing is not going to work out. How do they win in the original 1999 book? Here’s where we’d put my Audible ad… if they would offer me one. Audible If it exists, we’ll sponsor it. In Battle Royale they get a boat. Okay. Anytime you get a chance to ride a boat is always a small victory. This seems to be working up. Okay. What now? This game could really use a radio. I’d do it. I’ll even do a fake Russian accent. I guess it’s back to watching soaps “Although Miguel finally loves her back but she has decided to marry a dolphin trainer who hates alpacas.” How will they solve this? There’s only 900 episodes left! You are too late blue wall! I’m going to die by drowning! The boat ride has made me realize that there are so many more ways to win that are not winning.

Enjoy the view. Take a nice road trip and look at local flora Question why this game is set in Russia, but we can’t find any vodka. Maybe…maybe the reason I’m losing is because I need more practice No, no, no. I’m a…I’m a genius. The problem is the mode. I’ll probably win if I switch to first-person mode In FPS mode your enemies can’t see around them, so, um, neither can you. It’s still in beta. This game the house is never rendered. But the point of the mode is to teach you to love grass. The battleground has a lot of grass I…I can’t see shit. There is another way to win though: play with friends. Several of you are probably confused by that word. What is that? How do I get those? Don’t worry about it. Pick Squads and the game will give you free friends who do not know how to adjust the mic volume.

But what if these people don’t like me? That has never happened to me because I am the master of small talk. Hey guys. Do you like…the sports? Eh, wow, my boss, eh, eh Yet, I can’t play with them because I can’t handle the pressure of teammates and that’s the point. Even if you reach the Top Five you are still gonna lose because you will choke. So I had to find a way to keep my nerves in check. First I used drugs, but it was getting expensive so I asked the guy who supplied me with the drugs some cartel techniques and after having my nails ripped off, Top Five isn’t that bad.

Everyone is throwing grenades at each other. No one is hitting anyone. No one will listen to reason when you tell them that the blue wall is the real enemy and we shall try to fight that instead. But so how do you survive Top Five? Bushes. No one would ever check a bush. Now, there are only three left. People with the best gear and the skills to use them… and also you. By now you should understand that you will never get a legitimate win. You should instead go for a theoretical win. Let me show you. See? I died, but I helped that guy spot this guy, meaning I helped him win. Meaning in theory: I win. But should be honest, none of you even care about Battle Undergrounds anymore because what you really want to know is that the dolphin trainer was Miguel’s hermano all along.