Free Fatherhood Advice

Louis C.K.

"If someone today who doesn't have kids sat down and watched children's programming, they'd wanna puke. It's unwatchable. So it blows my mind that people get hostile when I tell them I don't let my kids watch TV. They're all, Oh, fuck you. You're just trying to impress people. It's like you're making them miss out on the culture. Like, what, fucking Survivor?... Nobody who's single has any of the pressures that I have on a daily basis, even when my kids aren't around. My life is restricted by having them. The thing I don't relate to is single people who feel as if they're put out or trapped. I don't care if your boss doesn't respect you or if you feel like your boyfriend is not as adventurous. Then fucking stop. Don't' even break up with him. Just stop talking to him. Get a cheap ticket to India and find a job teaching English there. Who cares?"

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Mitt Romney

"We had five boys that were 10 or younger. People used to say to my wife, 'And what do you do?' She'd look at them like, 'Are you out of your mind?'… I was willing to change the urine-soaked diapers, but the messier types gave me dry heaves. So my wife allowed me to escape that. I came into my own as a parent when the boys were going into their teenage years…. I grew up in a home where spanking was applied rarely, so I don't object to 'tapping.' Not to cause pain, but to communicate displeasure…. Even on the bleakest days, it's the most fulfilling experience of your life."

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Jimmy Kimmel

"Everyone knows you learn the F-word in preschool or kindergarten and that you say it a thousand times a day to your friends. So yeah, it's not appropriate to say it to the priest after Mass, but if my kids curse, it's not a big deal…. I try to explain to my children one very important thing: You both came out of my penis. And that is significant. They came shooting out of my penis. I try to mention that when their friends are around.... I would prefer that my daughter not start dating until she's in her late forties. Whereas my son, I've already hired a prostitute. I don't think of it as a double standard; I think of it as an important maxim that I live by."

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Ice-T

"I'm a pretty hard-core dad about reality. I never tell them about balloons and elephants and shit. I give my kids the reality of life early on…. My son grew up watching movies like Texas Chainsaw Massacre. One day I got a letter from his teacher because he was playing Michael Myers with the kids. He had taken notebook paper and a red crayon and was stabbing it. This is in third or fourth grade. So I talked to him. I said, 'Ice, their parents don't even let them look at the movie, so they're terrified of something that you know is fake.'"

"If someone today who doesn't have kids sat down and watched children's programming, they'd wanna puke. It's unwatchable. So it blows my mind that people get hostile when I tell them I don't let my kids watch TV. They're all, Oh, fuck you. You're just trying to impress people. It's like you're making them miss out on the culture. Like, what, fucking Survivor?... Nobody who's single has any of the pressures that I have on a daily basis, even when my kids aren't around. My life is restricted by having them. The thing I don't relate to is single people who feel as if they're put out or trapped. I don't care if your boss doesn't respect you or if you feel like your boyfriend is not as adventurous. Then fucking stop. Don't' even break up with him. Just stop talking to him. Get a cheap ticket to India and find a job teaching English there. Who cares?"