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Nick's G-Rated Humor List
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MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME (too late for Mother's Day
=================== but not too late to enjoy)
My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break
your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're
going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll
never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think
that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I
talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables,
you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
"You are going to get it when we get home."
And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE...
"One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn
out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."
Thanks to Steve Sanderson by way of "Have A Nice Day!"
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in body of MESSAGE type: subscribe HAND
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Perspectives on Motherhood:
4 YEARS OF AGE My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....
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Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while
everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the
Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. The ark was built in 3 stories, and the top story had a
window to let light in, but how did they get light to the
bottom two stories?
A. They used floodlights.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. What is the best way to get to Heaven?
A. Turn right and go straight.
[forwarded by Christopher Van Oosterhout]
From "Mikey's Funnies"
<Mikeys-Funnies@youthspecialties.com>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>> SERIOUS STUFF <<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
BEYOND THE BOUNDARY -- by Neil Anderson
Posted from Jokes and Devotions
All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable.
All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by
anything (1 Corinthians 6:12).
Most of us won't often be tempted to commit obvious sins such as
armed robbery, murder or rape. Satan's tack is to entice us to
push something good beyond the boundary of the will of God until
it becomes sin. He treats us like the proverbial frog in the pot
of water: gradually turning up the heat of temptation, hoping we
don't notice that we are approaching the boundary of God's will
and jump out before something good becomes sin.
Everything is good and lawful for us because we are
and no longer under the condemnation of the law. But the
following statements reveal how we can wrongly take good things
beyond the boundary of God's will:
* physical rest becomes laziness
* ability to profit becomes avarice and greed
* enjoyment of life becomes intemperance
* physical pleasure becomes sensuality
* interest in the possessions of others becomes covetousness
* enjoyment of food becomes gluttony
* self-care becomes selfishness
* self-respect becomes conceit
* communication becomes gossip
* cautiousness becomes unbelief
* anger becomes rage and bad temper
* lovingkindness becomes overprotection
* judgment becomes criticism
* conscientiousness becomes perfectionism
* generosity becomes wastefulness
* carefulness becomes fear
* self-protection becomes dishonesty
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