The general thought in society today is that marriage should be delayed
to allow for greater maturity and until the parties are “established.” Some
argue, however, that there are compelling reasons to reconsider young marriage,
including biological reasons. But for
young marriage to be successful, other things about the way marriage is
prepared for, viewed, and treated by society at large must also be revisited.

Shaw, who did not write the Slate article’s headline or subhead, said she
was shocked by the volume and intensity of the reaction to the piece. There has also been a lot of positive responses
to the story, she said, from readers who found the story thought-provoking as
well as from other young marrieds who said they could relate to what Shaw had
to say.

Shaw wrote the essay to encourage readers to take a fresh look at young
marriage. “To be sure, marrying right
is more important than marrying young,” said Shaw, research associate and program
manager for the B. Kenneth Simon Center for Principles and Politics at the
Heritage Foundation. “I'm not advocating that you should marry at some
arbitrary age: in fact, I say that I’m against artificial timelines. But
the problem I see nowadaysat least in my peer groupis not too many 19 year-olds
marrying. The problem…is people [are] arbitrarily delaying marriage
because they haven’t met certain personal and professional milestonesand that’s
not a good reason.”

There can be no doubt that greater maturity and
being “established” make a difference in terms of aiding successful
marriage. The average age for first-time
marriage is at an all-time high27 for women and 29 for menand is widely credited
with lowering divorce rates.

“I think there is
a case to be made for 20-something marriage,” said Dr. W. Bradford Wilcox,
an associate professor of sociology at the University of Virginia and director
of the National Marriage Project . “There is
a strong body of evidence that those who marry in their teens are much more
likely to get divorced than anybody else.” Wilcox stressed that the research on age and
marriage is suggestive, not definitive.

However, there is
reason to think that it is not the age of marriage that is key, but rather pushing
against the current trend of adolescence continuing into the late 20s, while fostering
greater support from larger family and community.

What nature is telling us

Father Michael
Orsi, former director of the Office of Family Life for the Diocese of Camden, NJ,
said he believes 18-26 is a good age range for marriage, with the male ideally
being at the higher end of the age range. According to Orsi, to delay marriage
is to frustrate nature. “Your body is telling you at a certain age that you are
ready for a relationship with the opposite sex,” he said in an interview with
CWR.

Along these lines,
there are also health and practical matters to consider. The biological clock is ticking for women and men
alike, as “men and women who wait are more likely to have kids who have
disabilities or some other type of challenge,” said Wilcox. “There are links
between men’s age and autism in the child.” As a result of men and women
marrying later, some of them have had to enlist medical or technological help
in order to achieve pregnancy, with sometimes dubious results.

Christians and
social scientists aren’t the only ones starting to question the status quo. In an article last year in The
New Republic, science editor Judith Shulevitz described fertility
treatments she underwent in her late 30s. She eventually gave birth to a child
with developmental delays and, during visits to therapists, noticed that the
majority of the other mothers there were also older. After doing some research, she concluded that
manipulating biology so older parents can have children will ultimately upend
American society“For we
are bringing fewer children into the world and producing a generation that will
be subtly different‘phenotypically and biochemically different,’ as one study
I read put itfrom previous generations.”

Then there are the
social consequences. Delaying marriage can also lead young people, who are at
the height of their fertility, into a lifestyle that could hamstring future
relational happiness. “You may start cohabitating, and then no relationship
will be important or sacred to you,” said Orsi, who added that “you may also
become set in your ways.”

Some parents cohabitated
themselves, so they are unwilling to hold their children to a moral standard they
couldn’t achieve themselves, said Orsi, who served on the Marriage Tribunal in
his diocese.

On the other hand,
while heeding the biological call is important, Christians have the
simultaneous duty to be chaste, whichas Dr. Mark Regnerus, an associate professor of sociology at the University of
Texas at Austin, points outcan lead some to make the mistake of marrying just for sex. Character and
friendship are important, and sometimes parents, siblings, grandparents, or
other family members or spiritual mentors are in a position to provide
much-needed advice.

Putting off
marriage in America today

Today, many young
people are putting off marriage to finish college and embark on careers,
oftentimes at the behest of parents and other family members, including people
of faith. Msgr. Cormac Burke, former judge of the Roman Rota, the High Court of the Church, writes
about canon law at his website, and says a materialistic culture
influences when and why people decide to get married. “Today over-prolonged
college studies tend to push people to marry later. Perhaps even more powerful
is the feeling that one should wait until being able to count on a combined salary
that will ensure a ‘decent’ standard of life,” said Burke. “This latter factor
reflects today's materialistic approach to life.”

According to Wilcox, various studies indicate that one
downside to marrying in your 20s is that women who do so tend to make less money than women who marry in their 30s. As
Shaw wrote in her Slate article, at one time “I thought
I would get married, but it would be later after a flurry of accomplishments.… Looking
back, my artificial, rigid timeline of success almost derailed my real
happiness.”

“You don’t need
all these luxuries,” said Orsi, who now serves as chaplain and research fellow
in law at Ave Maria School of Law in Naples, Florida. “It is based on materialism, which is a terrible way to feed a
marriage.”

However, a large
number of young Americans are putting off marriage, not because of professional
desires or materialism, but because of economic and cultural realities. But
while these young people are delaying marriage, many are not putting off having children. According to research by the Marriage
Project, this group consists mostly of high school graduates who may or may not
have a little college education. Many of these women, wanting the fulfillment of
motherhood, are having children with men they either do not want to marry or
believe are not ready for marriage. The economy is definitely affecting this
group, as Middle American men are having trouble finding and keeping jobs, and
many entry-level jobs now require college degrees. This financial instability is diminishing their opportunities to marry. As more women choose to go it alone with
regard to childrearing, researchers are discovering a unsettling trend: men raised by single mothers do not fare
well economically and socially, and are less attractive potential spouses. These single men go on to
father boys out of wedlock who are less attractive to potential marriage
partners further down the road. Meanwhile, the children of these Middle
Americans are being exposed to a constantly changing slate of adults within the
home, which is not good for their wellbeing.

The reality of financial pressure

A major strain on
young marriages, particularly in today’s climate, is the economy. “Parents are
more likely to give their single 20-something [financial] support, but balk at
helping a young couple,” Wilcox said. Many parents fear their children’s
unhealthy dependency more after they are married than before. Other extended
family members could step in where there is a need, but don’t. There is a false
notion of marriage today that a married couple is suddenly completely autonomous.

Is there a better
way? In a 2009 article for Christianity
Today, Regnerus argued that Christians need to start being
“missionaries to the married” with their financial resources. According to
Regnerus, who converted to Catholicism since publishing the article, parents
should not withhold resources from children to keep them from marrying at a
certain age, and once a couple is married, family members and parishioners
should be generous to them when there is financial need. Along the same lines,
young couples should not be embarrassed about asking for or accepting help. “Marriage
missionaries,” particularly extended family and church parishioners, could be
especially helpful in making young marriage a reality for Middle Americans, who
may need assistance with anything from groceries during a layoff to financial
aid to pursue an education.

Wilcox said other
ways young marrieds can receive the support they need is for older couples with
successful marriages to mentor them, and for there to be regular preaching and
teaching on marriage in churches, as well as marriage retreats. For young people who are not from intact
families, extended family and Christian mentors can step in and impart wisdom
and advice on marriage, childrearing, and finances. This support system could
also be put to good use in encouraging young men and women to seek out and
marry suitable partners.

Making young marriage work

In her now famous speech, “Contraception Why Not?”,
Dr. Janet Smith refers to the many times she has heard from married students
about how, at some point in the marriage, one of the spouses takes a drive, not
really sure if he will go back. But there are two people at home: one of whom
he may be angry with, and another who is innocent and without whom he cannot imagine
living. The presence of a child strengthens
the pull to return home.

One of the greatest enemies to happiness in
marriage today is calculation, according to Msgr. Burke. “I would refer this
especially to the prevailing calculated approach to the question of having
children,” he said. “Children? Well, maybe one or two. And of course not for
four or five yearsuntil we have settled down and really get on. The trouble
with this is that, in Nature's plan, childrenprecisely in the first years of
marriageare the main support a couple needs to keep their initial love going
and growing.”

“Children bond
marriages,” Orsi said. “Dying to yourself for the sake of the child leads to
dying of the self for each other. When
you have a common project in life, parents grow to love each other.”

“Romance is not enough,” adds Burke. “Too many
couples today just keep looking at each other until they rub the glamour out of
their eyes. Whereas the plan of Nature is that, within those first few years
precisely as the glamour goes, they are no longer just looking at each other
but looking out together at the children which are fruit of their union and
love. For the sake of our children, we must learn to get on. That is Nature’s plan,
but if there are no children there…”

But raising
children is itself a challenge at times.
One way family, friends, and parishioners can assist, and be the
supportive community that nurtures young marriage, is to show generosity, both
in word and deed, toward the children who come along. Not pressuring young marrieds about family
size and being generous about babysitting and other forms of assistance can
provide a lot of support.

“A successful
marriage is not a two-person enterprise,” Wilcox said. “It needs the larger
community counsel and support.”

But what about those divorce rates?

But what about
those statistics correlating younger ages with higher divorce rates? “Typically speaking, the highest risk for
divorce involves marrying under age 20,” said Regnerus in an interview with CWR.
“If you’ve got good social support, then marrying [in your early 20s] should be
fine, and perhaps even ideal.”

Also bear in mind
that marital age never actually causes divorce, Regnerus wrote in a Washington
Post column. Instead,
it is usually an indicator of some other problem, “usually immaturity,” which
could be evident at any age, or “impatience with marital challenges,” which can
usually be worked out with the proper guidance and support of family members
and mentors.

Courtney, who is a
happily married mother of five and lives in the South, married her husband when
they were both 22. She said her parents have provided good social support in
her marriage. They are very supportive
of their son-in-law, and have always treated and spoken of him charitably.
Plus, she knew her parents held her to certain standards. “I knew I would not
be able to come home with my suitcase for just any reason,” she said. “It would
have to be something really serious.”

Since immaturity
can be a big challenge to young marriages, what can parents do to foster
maturity in their children and prepare them for marriage? According to Orsi,
parents need to nurture a sense of responsibility in them. In America today,
“people are still kids until they are 30 years old,” he said. “Encourage your
kids to get jobsgo to McDonald’s, go to Starbucks.”

Parents do a lot
to feed materialism by giving their children too many material things, Orsi
said. Parents should tell their children, “If you want an iPad, an iPhone, you
need to go get it yourself.”

Although immaturity can lead to divorce, it is not grounds
for a declaration of nullity in the Catholic Church, according to Msgr. Burke. “The relevant canon, 1095.2, speaks not of
immaturity, but of a ‘gravelack of discretionary judgment
concerning the essential matrimonial rights and obligations,’” he said. “All of us have certain immature traits.
People marrying at the age of 20 or 22 will not have the maturity they should
have acquired 10 years later. If a person has reached the legal age of
marrying, a declaration of nullity under 1095.2 could only be considered if
their lack of judgment were pathologically
grave, for instance, if it could be shown that a person of 21 had the mental
maturity of a boy or girl of 12,” Burke said.

Rotal
jurisprudence draws these essential rights and obligations from the three basic
properties of matrimony: exclusivity, permanence, openness to offspring. An isolated or even repeated fault against
these (for example, lapses of fidelity) would not be proof of consensual incapacity.

“A declaration of
nullity would hinge on proof that at the time of consent, the person was incapable
of minimally understanding, or of carrying out, the duty involved,” Burke said.
“The papal addresses to the Rota have repeatedly insisted that this could only
happen in the case of a grave psychic anomaly.”

In addition to the
premarital counseling and pre-Cana retreats offered in Catholic churches, some
of the best pre-marriage prep is going to take place in the Domestic Church. The best thing parents can do to
prepare their children for marriageyoung or otherwiseis to be a good example
of marital faithfulness and generosity. “If they see that their parents have
been really committed to each other, through thick and thin, and are happy in
that mutual fidelity, there is the most convincing argument that to marry can
be, should be, a real commitment, a
generous happiness,” said Burke. “Perhaps that is the main factor that can help
(young people) overcome the calculation mentality.”

“That sort of home-schooling is vital for young
people growing up today,” he said. “Parents who dedicate themselves to
establishing it, are doing absolutely the best they can to help their children
be firm in their pre-marriage relationships and happy in their eventual
marriage.”

Early marriage may not be for everyone. However, in a time when 48 percent of first births are to
unmarried women, and cohabitation is becoming a more popular option than marriage
among Middle Americans, it might be a good idea at least to prepare children
for the possibility of an early marriage, and encourage them if they are
clearly called to it.

One thing seems to be certain, and that is our culture has changed. “In the past, people were getting support
from family and friends in married life,” said Wilcox. “The focus was also on being good spouses in
a family-centered world. We don’t live in that world anymore.”

Christians, however, have always been called to
be countercultural, and perhaps now is the time to focus on creating the type
of community that encourages and nurtures young marriages.

About the Author

Leslie Fain

Leslie Fain is a freelance writer who lives in Louisiana with her husband and three sons.

All comments posted at Catholic World Report are moderated. While vigorous debate is welcome and encouraged, please note that in the interest of maintaining a civilized and helpful level of discussion, comments containing obscene language or personal attacks—or those that are deemed by the editors to be needlessly combative and inflammatory—will not be published. Thank you.