1. Don’t tell me how I “am welcome any time” and then rant on your social media thingie about how I am “always at your house and up in your business.”

No, I wont. You are welcome anytime, please help yourself to a cup of tea and feel free to hang out with your grandchildren. Ranting on social media will not help either of us.

And remember one thing, when I moved in with your son, he never let you into his home, it is only because of me you ever got past the front door.

2. Answer the damn phone!

Ring my fucking mobile!!!

When the landline rings, it’s only going to be you, my grandma or a telemarketer. It is an old fashioned landline, with a cord, yes you heard me, a cord! At least if you ring my mobile I can multi task whilst looking after your son and grandchildren.

3. As much as I adore my grandchildren, I am not your free ticket to eternal childcare.

Fair call. I totally agree.

4. Act like the adult you purport to be, and don’t bitch about me behind my back.

Don’t give me a reason. I wont bitch. Simple really.

5. Passive-aggressiveness is still aggressive.

Meh!

6. Don’t buy me clothes or décor for gifts, if they are drastically different than what I own.

Easy done. Lucky you get the same thing, birthday and Christmas, every time, you like it, I know what to buy, win win all round.

7. It’s my money, so please let me spend it.

It’s not about the money. Please spend as much of your own money as you wish. It is also not about how cheap you got something for. It is about giving the children a sense of anticipation or earning when they are given gifts. A small trinket two weeks before a birthday kind of ruins the birthday countdown.

It is about being surrounded by crap that I am expected to pick up all the time, or yell at the children to pick up, sure as hell it isn’t very often your son who does this chore. You then have to consult with us on what to buy, or ask us to purchase gifts on your behalf, because the spoilt little shits have every fucking toy known to man.

8. I want my son/daughter to be happy and have a happy marriage, but know this: I am the mother.

Are you giving me permission to blame you for all of his slight imperfections?

9. Speaking of, you DO realise that I successfully produced an offspring that grew into such an amazing adult that YOU decided to marry and have children with…right?

Yes I do. The best advise my grandmother gave me when you were really pissing me off was, always think of her as the mother of the man you love, if it wasn’t for her, you wouldn’t have him.

10. Contrary to what you might think, I am not trying to control you or judge you.

Once you have shared your opinion or advice, understand I have heard you. You do not need to keep telling me, I really have heard it. Whether I choose to listen or not is up to me. If I should have listened, I will acknowledge that. But please refrain from discussing this with my friends in the street. Do you think they like it when you judge me to them? They are my friends, they love me more than you and yep, you guessed it, they tell me what you have been saying about me.