Relationships + Life and style | The Guardianhttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/relationships+lifeandstyle
Indexen-gbGuardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. 2015Sun, 02 Aug 2015 21:02:08 GMT2015-08-02T21:02:08Zen-gbGuardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. 2015The Guardianhttp://assets.guim.co.uk/images/guardian-logo-rss.c45beb1bafa34b347ac333af2e6fe23f.pnghttp://www.theguardian.com
Financial infidelity: how to prevent money secrets from hurting a marriagehttp://www.theguardian.com/money/us-money-blog/2015/aug/02/financial-infidelity-money-secrets-couples-marriage
<p>Cheating isn’t always sexual – many admit to hiding financial information from their partners, and a frank discussion may be the best way to approach the issue</p><p>If I mention “infidelity” as being the biggest cause of a marriage or relationship breakup, you’ll probably roll your eyes, nod in agreement and wonder (a) why I’m re-stating the obvious and (b) why you’re reading about it in a column in the money pages. Easy. I’m talking about the other kind of infidelity. The one that’s even tougher to spot – often because you aren’t even looking for it – and can destroy trust in a relationship in just as devastating a fashion.</p><p>And like the other kind of cheating, it’s everywhere. Survey after survey shows that it’s happening. In 2011, the National Endowment for Financial Education discovered that 31% of Americans who responded to a poll <a href="http://www.forbes.com/sites/jennagoudreau/2011/01/13/is-your-partner-cheating-on-you-financially-31-admit-money-deception-infidelity-red-flags-money-lies/">admitted lying to their partners about their finances</a>. Perhaps it was over something as minor as concealing a small purchase; perhaps they were hiding something large, like a secret bank account, a gambling problem, or big debts. Regardless, 67% of respondents said the secrets – when revealed – led to arguments, 42% said it damaged trust, and 16% said it even led to divorce. When NEFE announced the results of a new survey 18 months ago, the percentage of those who said they had financially deceived their partners <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/10/financial-infidelity_n_4762387.html">rose to 33%</a> – and that’s only those who are admitting to what they did. </p><p> <span>Related: </span><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/business/us-money-blog/2015/jul/26/personal-finance-hillary-clinton-quarterly-earnings-results">What we can all learn from Wall Street's quarterly earnings obsession</a> </p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/money/us-money-blog/2015/aug/02/financial-infidelity-money-secrets-couples-marriage">Continue reading...</a>RelationshipsUS personal financeMoneyLife and styleSun, 02 Aug 2015 12:00:04 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/money/us-money-blog/2015/aug/02/financial-infidelity-money-secrets-couples-marriagePhotograph: flickrFinancial secrets can prove a hurdle to relationships. <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/26023255@N03/8612002388/">Photograph: /flickr</a>Photograph: flickrFinancial secrets can prove a hurdle to relationships. <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/26023255@N03/8612002388/">Photograph: /flickr</a>Photograph: flickrPhotograph: flickrSuzanne McGee2015-08-02T12:00:04ZHow can I stop feeling that everyone’s against me? | Mariella Frostruphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/aug/02/i-feel-like-everyone-is-against-me-mariella-frostrup
<p>A woman who was abused and disfigured in her youth feels lonely and miserable. Mariella Frostrup says she needs to change her mindset</p><p><strong>The dilemma </strong><em>My childhood was a study in grief. When I was a baby I was in an accident that left me cosmetically disfigured. Then my father, an abusive alcoholic, left us. I began to be bullied – frequent physical assault, verbal and mental abuse – by kids in the area. Several of my immediate family died in quick succession. I felt unprotected, scared and alone.&nbsp;I’m in my mid-20s now and still absolutely miserable. I find it incredibly difficult to socialise effectively, and I don’t get any attention from the opposite sex. I often feel like everyone’s against me or, at the very least, that nobody’s with me.</em></p><p><strong>Mariella replies</strong> Certainly your childhood sounds pretty dreadful and you’ve clearly had to negotiate a lot of pain, but don’t let those early experiences define you in adulthood. That would be a choice, and not a good one. Sadly, a dysfunctional childhood makes you part of a pretty large group.</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/aug/02/i-feel-like-everyone-is-against-me-mariella-frostrup">Continue reading...</a>RelationshipsLife and styleSun, 02 Aug 2015 05:00:06 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/aug/02/i-feel-like-everyone-is-against-me-mariella-frostrupPhotograph: Alamy‘I find it incredibly difficult to socialise effectively.’ Photograph: AlamyPhotograph: Alamy‘I find it incredibly difficult to socialise effectively.’ Photograph: AlamyMariella Frostrup2015-08-02T05:00:06ZAlix McAlister and her mother, Sarah, on how their roles swappedhttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/aug/02/alix-mcalister-and-mother-sarah-me-and-you
<p>When Alix was 30, her mother was attacked in the street and sustained a head injury, changing their relationship for ever</p><p><strong>Her story</strong> Alix McAlister, 42, daughter</p><p>My mother has always been busy and curious. At 62 she decided to go and teach English in Rwanda and we threw a big farewell party for her. On the way home she was walking behind me when I heard a shout. I turned round and saw a man grappling for her handbag. He was extremely aggressive – afterwards we found out he was a drug addict. He threw her to the ground, where her head hit the kerb and ran off with her bag. She was out cold. Thankfully, help came quickly. If the ambulance had arrived five minutes later she would have died.</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/aug/02/alix-mcalister-and-mother-sarah-me-and-you">Continue reading...</a>RelationshipsLife and styleSun, 02 Aug 2015 05:00:04 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/aug/02/alix-mcalister-and-mother-sarah-me-and-youPhotograph: Dan McAlister‘I feel fortunate that I did eventually remember our life before’: Sarah McAlister. Photograph: Dan McAlisterPhotograph: Dan McAlister‘I feel fortunate that I did eventually remember our life before’: Sarah McAlister. Photograph: Dan McAlisterKatie Forster2015-08-02T05:00:04ZBlind datehttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/aug/01/blind-date-sam-milly
<p>Lightning struck on Sam and Milly’s big night… but did Cupid?</p><p><strong>What were you hoping for?</strong><br /><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B-uxeZaM-VM">Am&eacute;lie</a>, with conversational skills.</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/aug/01/blind-date-sam-milly">Continue reading...</a>DatingRelationshipsLife and styleSat, 01 Aug 2015 05:00:05 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/aug/01/blind-date-sam-millyPhotograph: Linda Nylind; James Drew Turner, both for the GuardianMarks out of 10 please, Milly and Sam.Photograph: Linda Nylind; James Drew Turner, both for the GuardianMarks out of 10 please, Milly and Sam.Guardian Staff2015-08-01T05:00:05ZWhen my 90s-era online love showed up, I knew my memories were a fantasy | Alicia Elerhttp://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/31/90s-era-online-love-memories-were-fantasy
<p>I should’ve requested a picture of her from the present day. It’s vital to ask for a recent photo of an old fling — or better yet, make it a selfie shot today</p><p>In my early 20s, I found myself in New York City doing an internship in Midtown Manhattan. I didn’t know that many people in New York, I was always shivering in the heavy air-conditioning, and my boss didn’t seem interested in being my friend. I found myself thinking about Rebecca, the first girl that, as a queer kid growing up in the late 1990s, I ever kissed courtesy of the internet.</p><p>Coming out, at least in liberal areas, isn’t the big, risky undertaking that it used to be, even 15 years ago. But it’s still a life step, and it can still cause hiccups in fledgling gay relationships that people in straight ones never have to consider. <br /></p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/31/90s-era-online-love-memories-were-fantasy">Continue reading...</a>RelationshipsInternetLife and styleTechnologyDatingFri, 31 Jul 2015 15:15:07 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/31/90s-era-online-love-memories-were-fantasyPhotograph: PhotoAlto sas/AlamyA single text can rekindle an old flame.Photograph: PhotoAlto sas/AlamyA single text can rekindle an old flame.Alicia Eler2015-07-31T15:15:07ZAsk Molly Ringwald: if I settle down, will I be missing out?http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/31/ask-molly-ringwald-not-ready-to-settle-down
<p>‘I find myself wondering what it might be like to date and get to know a completely new person. I don’t want to leave my partner, but…’</p><p><strong>I am a gay man in the third year of a relationship with an older man; the age difference is just under a decade. We hooked up shortly before I moved away to university, and he’s been really supportive when I’ve needed help through mental illness, and does not bat an eyelid that I can’t contribute as much to the relationship financially as he can. But I feel I’m missing out by being in a committed relationship at such a young age, with somebody at a different stage of life, who will want to settle down as soon as I leave university. I find myself wondering what it might be like to date and get to know a completely new person. I don’t want to leave him, but I feel I could drift into a stage of life I’m not ready for.</strong></p><p>There are pros and cons to a committed monogamous relationship, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to explore a bit before settling down. It sounds as if your partner is a caring, nurturing person, so I think you owe him your honesty. You may find that he’s happy with some kind of open relationship, and this might be an option if it’s OK with both of you. Of course, there’s the risk that you might lose him if he’s looking for something more conventional, but I think it’s far better to discuss your needs and desires openly now than to choose the lying, cheating and going-down-in-flames option that invariably accompanies illicit affairs.</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/31/ask-molly-ringwald-not-ready-to-settle-down">Continue reading...</a>Life and styleRelationshipsFri, 31 Jul 2015 15:00:06 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/31/ask-molly-ringwald-not-ready-to-settle-downPhotograph: Franck Allais‘You may find that your partner is happy with some kind of open relationship.’Photograph: Franck Allais‘You may find that your partner is happy with some kind of open relationship.’Molly Ringwald2015-07-31T15:00:06ZDoes my friend steal other women’s men because she was raped?http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/31/friend-steals-other-womens-men-because-she-was-raped
She tried to seduce someone I liked. Despite everything, I want to help her but don’t know how. Annalisa Barbieri advises a reader<p><strong>I have a friend at university who is notorious for being a&nbsp;“man-stealer”. She is very manipulative and inappropriately flirtatious and most of the women I know dislike her because of this.&nbsp;I am patient with her because I&nbsp;am aware of her history. As a teenager, she was raped by several men at a party, and obviously this has had a profound effect. When she makes a beeline for someone I have said I am interested in, I know this is her way of feeling powerful and in control, something she must have lost when she was assaulted.</strong></p><p><strong>While I understand the reasons for her power play, I&nbsp;can tolerate it for only so long. I have adopted strategies to avoid getting hurt, such as not telling her when I am interested in a person, or not inviting her to events where that person might be, but&nbsp;this makes me uncomfortable. I know it is&nbsp;not a proper solution and&nbsp;if she realises I am being secretive it will only increase her insecurity and worsen her behaviour.</strong></p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/31/friend-steals-other-womens-men-because-she-was-raped">Continue reading...</a>FamilyRelationshipsRapeLife and styleFri, 31 Jul 2015 14:00:03 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/31/friend-steals-other-womens-men-because-she-was-rapedPhotograph: Getty Images/Hero ImagesMy friend is manipulative and inappropriately flirtatious (Posed by models).Photograph: Getty Images/Hero ImagesMy friend is manipulative and inappropriately flirtatious (Posed by models).Annalisa Barbieri2015-07-31T14:00:03ZI’m in love with a colleague – but I don’t want to leave my wifehttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/31/love-colleague-but-dont-want-leave-wife-private-lives
<p>I fell for a workmate years ago, but we stayed loyal to our partners. I’ve remarried, but I still love her – and I’m thinking of asking my wife to share me</p><p>I’ve been married to my second wife for a few years. Like all couples, we have our ups and downs. My problem is a woman I work with. I fell for her 10 years ago, and I knew then that she was also attracted to me, but we remained faithful to our then partners (who were not so honest). Lately, my workmate has been feeling low, and has poured out her heart to me about her bullying husband, and how she wishes she had left him for me when I was single. I love my wife, but I also love my workmate. I have never felt such pain and longing, and our children are all grown up. It’s crazy, but I’m even considering asking my wife if she’d share me.</p><p><em>•</em><em> When leaving a message on this page, please be sensitive to the fact that you are responding to a real person in the grip of a real-life dilemma, who wrote to Private Lives asking for help, and may well view your comments here. Please consider especially how your words or the tone of your message could be perceived by someone in this situation, and be aware that comments that appear to be disruptive or disrespectful to the individual concerned will be removed.</em></p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/31/love-colleague-but-dont-want-leave-wife-private-lives">Continue reading...</a>Life and styleRelationshipsFri, 31 Jul 2015 11:00:03 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/31/love-colleague-but-dont-want-leave-wife-private-livesPhotograph: AlamyI have never felt such pain and longing …Photograph: AlamyI have never felt such pain and longing …Guardian Staff2015-07-31T11:00:03ZWhat if I never find love? You asked Google – here’s the answer | Philippa Perryhttp://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/29/what-if-i-never-find-love-google-answer
Every day, millions of internet users ask Google some of life’s most difficult questions, big and small. Our writers answer some of the commonest queries<p>I think fewer of us will find <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2012/dec/13/what-is-love-five-theories">love</a> if we <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/video/2015/apr/01/shes-not-perfect-but-could-it-still-work-philippa-perry-video">continue to go about it as though it’s shopping</a>, as though the perfect person – like the perfect pair of black trousers – is out there, just waiting to be found, for an infinite future of sexiness and companionship.</p><p> <span>Related: </span><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jun/10/will-i-end-up-alone-you-asked-google">What if I end up alone? You asked Google – here’s the answer | Bidisha</a> </p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/29/what-if-i-never-find-love-google-answer">Continue reading...</a>RelationshipsDatingParents and parentingGoogleLife and styleWed, 29 Jul 2015 07:00:05 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/29/what-if-i-never-find-love-google-answerPhotograph: Stacy Gold/Getty Images‘Reciprocity is imprinted upon us by our first relationship with our primary carer.’Photograph: Eva Hambach/AFP/Getty Images‘Now, no longer constrained by the limit of friends, and friends of friends, the settling part appears to be happening less often.’ A sculpture in the Distillery District of Toronto, Canada.Philippa Perry2015-07-29T07:00:05ZSix (scientifically approved) tips to make your man fall for you | Dean Burnetthttp://www.theguardian.com/science/brain-flapping/2015/jul/28/six-tips-to-make-your-man-fall-for-you-science
<p>Glamour magazine’s US edition recently published tips for women who wanted to make a man fall for them. These were roundly criticised for being ridiculous. Is this because they weren’t scientifically valid? Probably not, but here are some that are, just in case</p><p>Are you a woman? Do you have a male partner? Is this male partner not so much an individual human being, with all the nuances and complexity that would imply, but more of a self-propelled bag of crude stereotypes with a permanent erection? And do you, as a woman, want to forgo any hope of a career or life of your own in order to spend all your time wooing this creature, rather than doing the merciful thing and help end its undoubtedly horrific existence? </p><p>If this all applies to you, then you may have read the <a href="http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2015/07/how-to-make-a-man-fall-in-love">recent article from US Glamour magazine</a>, which gave many tips for how to make a man fall (even more) in love with you. Unfortunately, the tips provided have been <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/07/27/glamour-how-to-make-a-man-fall-in-love-sexist_n_7879816.html">widely</a> <a href="http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/if-men-really-desire-what-glamour-magazine-says-they-do-i-cant-wait-to-feed-my-next-lover-burnt-toast-and-suggest-a-threesome-with-my-ex-10419650.html">condemned</a> as sexist, old-fashioned, incredibly na&iuml;ve and just plain ridiculous. But you know what’s not ridiculous? Science! </p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/science/brain-flapping/2015/jul/28/six-tips-to-make-your-man-fall-for-you-science">Continue reading...</a>RelationshipsSciencePsychologyNeuroscienceLife and styleScience and scepticismTue, 28 Jul 2015 06:10:07 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/science/brain-flapping/2015/jul/28/six-tips-to-make-your-man-fall-for-you-sciencePhotograph: AlamyMan do nice thing? Give man meat. Man like meat, make man do nice thing again.Photograph: AlamyMan do nice thing? Give man meat. Man like meat, make man do nice thing again.Photograph: Image Source / Alamy/AlamyLook like your man, so he can never escape himself.Photograph: Image Source / Alamy/AlamyLook like your man, so he can never escape himself.Photograph: AlamyAll choice is an illusion, other women even more so.Photograph: AlamyAll choice is an illusion, other women even more so.Photograph: Leigh Prather / Alamy/AlamyPhwoar! Calm down, ladies.Photograph: Leigh Prather / Alamy/AlamyPhwoar! Calm down, ladies.Photograph: Peter Cade/Getty ImagesWhy not drop the pretence and genuinely restrict his movements?Photograph: Peter Cade/Getty ImagesWhy not drop the pretence and genuinely restrict his movements?Photograph: foodfolio / Alamy/AlamyIs this relationship really worth so much effort? Is any? Chill out and have a drink instead, it’s far less stressful.Photograph: foodfolio / Alamy/AlamyIs this relationship really worth so much effort? Is any? Chill out and have a drink instead, it’s far less stressful.Photograph: Martyn Vickery/AlamyThere are many ways to make a man fall for you. Just remember; it’s not immoral if you’re doing it for love.Photograph: Martyn Vickery/AlamyThere are many ways to make a man fall for you. Just remember; it’s not immoral if you’re doing it for love.Dean Burnett2015-07-28T06:10:07ZSexting, amorous neighbours and the danger of the nude selfiehttp://www.theguardian.com/technology/2015/jul/27/sexting-holiday-danger-nude-selfie-porn-instagram
<p>A holiday thrusts the issue of sexting into my mind – but autocorrect and Instagram filters dampen the passion</p><p>Thrust, thrust, thrust. Bang, bang, bang. I’ve been listening to this for the past four evenings. Two people sweating and panting in the room above, in a hotel too close to a busy road, which serves spaghetti that is cold as it hits the plate. </p><p> I’m sharing a twin room with my mother – hoping to God she isn’t hearing this too. But I know she is, because in the darkness the shape of the room changes when she sits up in bed. </p><p>Autocorrect keeps changing 'clit' to 'clot'</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/technology/2015/jul/27/sexting-holiday-danger-nude-selfie-porn-instagram">Continue reading...</a>Mobile phonesTechnologySexWhatsAppLife and styleSocial mediaSocial networkingRelationshipsSnapchatInstagramMon, 27 Jul 2015 09:00:01 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/technology/2015/jul/27/sexting-holiday-danger-nude-selfie-porn-instagramPhotograph: On The Rocks / Stockimo/AlamySexting: a healthy aspect of a modern relationship, or an accident waiting to happen?Photograph: On The Rocks / Stockimo/AlamySexting: a healthy aspect of a modern relationship, or an accident waiting to happen?Hannah Jane Parkinson2015-07-27T09:00:01ZI struggle to reach orgasm with my partner, so I often fake ithttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/27/sexual-healing-faking-reach-orgasm-partner
My lover is deeply insecure and it’s very hard to guide him during lovemaking to help me climax – what should I do?<p><strong>I struggle to reach orgasm with my partner. I know my body very well and&nbsp;I know why it doesn’t work. But my partner is deeply insecure. It is very hard to even “guide” him, for he takes it amiss. This has led to a cycle of&nbsp;faking orgasm, and now, of course, I&nbsp;feel totally at a loss. </strong></p><p>Guiding a lover and giving genuine feedback is an essential aspect of a satisfying sexual relationship. Contrary to common beliefs, sexuality is not “easy and natural”; it has to be learned. And because everyone has unique needs and responses, it has to be relearned with each partner. Helping anyone – sensitive or not – to maintain confidence while explaining to them what doesn’t work needs to be done extremely positively. When you are engaged in sexual activity, and he does something you don’t like, say: “I was really enjoying [what you did before - be explicit]. More please!”</p><p> <span>Related: </span><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/20/new-partner-cant-climax-sex">Am I making my new partner too nervous to orgasm during sex?</a> </p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/27/sexual-healing-faking-reach-orgasm-partner">Continue reading...</a>SexSexual healthSexualityRelationshipsLife and styleMon, 27 Jul 2015 07:00:06 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/27/sexual-healing-faking-reach-orgasm-partnerPhotograph: Tino Tedaldi/Getty Images/Cultura RFStuck in a destructive cycle: he feels insecure, she can’t get what she wants.Photograph: Tino Tedaldi/Getty Images/Cultura RFStuck in a destructive cycle: he feels insecure, she can’t get what she wants.Pamela Stephenson Connolly2015-07-27T07:00:06ZLouisa Scott and Jez John on their former marriage – and lifelong collaborationhttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/26/louisa-scott-jez-john-former-marriage-successful-collaboration
<p>Louisa Scott and Jez John met when they were young and got married soon after. It didn’t last – but years later they are still good friends and work together every day</p><p>It seems like forever ago. Back in the early 90s, when I was 20 and Jez was 24, he was running a student union nightclub and I was at uni. I remember him downing some tequila at a house party and asking my best friend for my number. He called the house phone a few days later. I was attracted to his gregariousness. He taught me to DJ – we played student nights and balls. I did chart and indie stuff, he did more oldies and disco. He proposed shortly after I graduated. Both our families were quite traditional and we had an old-fashioned idea of how things should be. Looking back, we were just too young.</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/26/louisa-scott-jez-john-former-marriage-successful-collaboration">Continue reading...</a>RelationshipsLife and styleSun, 26 Jul 2015 05:00:11 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/26/louisa-scott-jez-john-former-marriage-successful-collaborationPhotograph: PR‘Louisa and I had a small wedding at Marylebone registry office and it was just a lovely day,’ recalls Jez JohnPhotograph: PR‘Louisa and I had a small wedding at Marylebone registry office and it was just a lovely day,’ recalls Jez JohnCandice Pires2015-07-26T05:00:11ZBlind datehttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/25/blind-date-martin-samantha
<p>Martin, 27, IT training manager, meets Samantha, 25, primary school teacher</p><p><strong>What were you hoping for?</strong><br />Some funny, free-flowing conversation/wine.</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/25/blind-date-martin-samantha">Continue reading...</a>DatingRelationshipsLife and styleSat, 25 Jul 2015 04:59:06 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/25/blind-date-martin-samanthaComposite: Fiona Shaw and David Levene for the Guardian‘I woke at 5am with the answer to the brain teaser she’d set me, so I hope we meet again to see if I’m right’.Composite: Fiona Shaw and David Levene for the Guardian‘I woke at 5am with the answer to the brain teaser she’d set me, so I hope we meet again to see if I’m right’.Guardian Staff2015-07-25T04:59:06ZAsk Molly Ringwald: I find my new friend emotionally draininghttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/24/ask-molly-ringwald-new-friend-emotionally-draining
<p>‘Frenemies don’t bring anything to the table and they make us feel bad, sneakily undermining us with covert criticism, making sure our life pales in comparison to their own’</p><p>I <strong>have a new friend whom I find emotionally draining. Conversations are one-sided, and when she does stop to ask about me or pause to hear what I’m saying, I usually get about 10 words in – then she’s on to another anecdote about her wonderful life. The only thing she gives me&nbsp;space to talk about is my ailing mother. While I appreciate that sympathy, I’d rather discuss things in my life that are going well and making me happy. How can I turn the tables on this relationship?</strong></p><p>I think the key word is in your first sentence: “new”. I’m all for doing somersaults for old friends. I’ve been through terrible fights, separations, reconciliations: pretty much the same gamut of emotions I’ve experienced in my romantic relationships. I value my friendships, especially the old friends, whom I consider to be&nbsp;as essential in my life as my family. They are the family I’ve chosen for myself. But we have&nbsp;years of goodwill in our favour, so we forgive&nbsp;each other our shortcomings, knowing that there is enough good in there to sustain us through the hard parts.</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/24/ask-molly-ringwald-new-friend-emotionally-draining">Continue reading...</a>Life and styleRelationshipsFri, 24 Jul 2015 15:00:08 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/24/ask-molly-ringwald-new-friend-emotionally-drainingPhotograph: Franck Allais/Guardian‘How can I turn the tables on this relationship?’ Photograph: Franck Allais for the GuardianPhotograph: Franck Allais/Guardian‘How can I turn the tables on this relationship?’ Photograph: Franck Allais for the GuardianMolly Ringwald2015-07-24T15:00:08ZIn the Ashley Madison era, marriage needs a rethink | Gaby Hinsliffhttp://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/23/ashley-madison-end-of-fairytale-marriage-rethink
From starter marriages to ‘living apart together’, there’s no longer one ideal. Maybe the modern-day slogan should be: life is long, so muddle through<p>Cheaters never think they’ll get caught. That’s the obvious explanation why <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/21/it-hurts-but-im-going-to-defend-ashley-madison-and-37-million-cheaters">37 million people signed up to Ashley Madison</a>, an online matchmaking service for people seeking affairs – and seemingly unaware that the very worst place to seek discretion and privacy these days is probably online. Sure enough, an anonymous group of hackers is now threatening to expose users’ identities and intimate habits unless the site shuts down; it’s hard to decide which of the activities involved – cyber blackmail, building a business on wrecking marriages, or just good old-fashioned philandering – is least charming.</p><p> <span>Related: </span><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/21/it-hurts-but-im-going-to-defend-ashley-madison-and-37-million-cheaters">It hurts, but I’m going to defend Ashley Madison and 33 million adulterers | Van Badham</a> </p><p>If the whole thing still feels like a straitjacket, we have a revolutionary marital option: not getting married</p><p> <span>Related: </span><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/21/my-wedding-perfect-fat-woman">My wedding was perfect – and I was fat as hell the whole time</a> </p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/23/ashley-madison-end-of-fairytale-marriage-rethink">Continue reading...</a>MarriageAshley MadisonRelationshipsFamilyLife and styleDatingTechnologyUK newsThu, 23 Jul 2015 18:09:31 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/23/ashley-madison-end-of-fairytale-marriage-rethinkPhotograph: REB Images/Getty Images‘Can you really remain endlessly fascinating to each other?’Gaby Hinsliff2015-07-23T18:09:31ZShould I include my Myers-Briggs results in my dating profile?http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/23/myers-briggs-online-dating-profile-ask-eva
<p>Swipe Right is our advice column that tackles the tricky world of online dating. This week: can a multiple-choice personality test help me find better matches?</p><ul><li><em>Got your own online dating quandaries? Send ’em to Eva: askevaguardian@gmail.com</em></li></ul><p><em>Dear Eva,</em></p><p><em>I recently took the <a href="http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/">Myers-Briggs</a> (MBTI) personality test for the first time and have been reading about my results online. Some people believe that knowing your partner’s personality type is a key indicator in how well matched you are for each other. Do you think it’s it worth including my Myers-Briggs results in my dating profile? </em></p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/23/myers-briggs-online-dating-profile-ask-eva">Continue reading...</a>Online datingDatingRelationshipsLife and styleThu, 23 Jul 2015 14:11:59 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/23/myers-briggs-online-dating-profile-ask-evaPhotograph: Celine LoupSwipe right: online dating for the real world.Photograph: Celine LoupSwipe right: online dating for the real world.Eva2015-07-23T14:11:59ZWhat to do when your ex comes out as gay | Dean Burnetthttp://www.theguardian.com/science/brain-flapping/2015/jul/23/ex-comes-out-gay-same-sex-relationships
<p>A recent Observer article looked at what it’s like for <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2015/jul/19/whats-it-like-for-a-child-when-a-parent-comes-out-as-gay">children whose parents come out as gay</a>. Having your parents come out is one thing, but what if your ex-partner comes out? What, if anything, is the appropriate response to this?</p><p>If you’ve been in a relationship that has ended, you’re almost certain to have an “ex”: someone you were romantically involved with but aren’t any longer. Relationships with an ex-partner are among of the most complicated and delicate it’s possible for your average human to maintain, and there are countless sitcom plots exploring this. </p><p>There are good reasons for this. An ex-partner often represents a significant part of someone’s life being intimately linked with numerous experiences and important milestones (interpret that how you will). But they’re also often a source of <a href="http://www.mentalhealthy.co.uk/news/1481-divorce-stress-syndrome-similar-to-ptsd.html">serious emotional upset and unpleasantness</a>, depending on why they’re an “ex”. Some break ups are amicable, but many aren’t at all. Hence, a lot of people dwell on an ex-partner, a process made considerably easier (and more worrying) <a href="http://mic.com/articles/105346/can-t-stop-facebook-stalking-your-ex-blame-science">with the advent of social media</a>. </p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/science/brain-flapping/2015/jul/23/ex-comes-out-gay-same-sex-relationships">Continue reading...</a>SciencePsychologyRelationshipsLife and styleSexualitySocietyThu, 23 Jul 2015 06:10:01 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/science/brain-flapping/2015/jul/23/ex-comes-out-gay-same-sex-relationshipsPhotograph: Troels Graugaard/Getty ImagesYour memory is your only source of info. Shame you often can’t trust it.Photograph: Troels Graugaard/Getty ImagesYour memory is your only source of info. Shame you often can’t trust it.Photograph: Image Source / Alamy/AlamyYour friends are often there to offer advice and suggestions, but they are often as clueless as you.Photograph: Image Source / Alamy/AlamyYour friends are often there to offer advice and suggestions, but they are often as clueless as you.Photograph: Getty ImagesSpilling something is a thing you can do inadvertently. Changing someone’s sexual orientation? Not so much.Photograph: Getty ImagesSpilling something is a thing you can do inadvertently. Changing someone’s sexual orientation? Not so much.Photograph: WPA Pool/Getty ImagesYou might think you’re the most important person on Earth and everyone loves you. You’re not. They don’t.Photograph: WPA Pool/Getty ImagesYou might think you’re the most important person on Earth and everyone loves you. You’re not. They don’t.Photograph: AlamyWhy do you need to do anything? Sometimes the best and most appropriate response is to do nothing. Chill, dude.Photograph: AlamyWhy do you need to do anything? Sometimes the best and most appropriate response is to do nothing. Chill, dude.Photograph: NBC/Getty ImagesRoss Geller, probably the most famous mainstream portrayal of ‘my ex is homosexual’ angst. Or possibly he was just neurotic.Photograph: NBC/Getty ImagesRoss Geller, probably the most famous mainstream portrayal of ‘my ex is homosexual’ angst. Or possibly he was just neurotic.Dean Burnett2015-07-23T06:10:01ZI’ve been single for so long that I don’t know how to start a new relationshiphttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/23/single-so-long-how-to-start-new-relationship
<p>Three years after an abusive relationship ended, I’m considering dating again. I’ve met someone I really like, but things have stalled and I don’t know how to move them along</p><p>I’ve been single for three years after a breakup with an abusive partner. I’ve recovered, and I’m very happy and open to a relationship. I’ve developed feelings for someone I see weekly; he’s the first person I’ve felt such a spark for in ages. He always compliments me when he sees me and seems decent, but he works almost non-stop and has little free time.</p><p>Last week, we ended up kissing and fooling around, but I left before things got really heated. He said he might text me to meet up, but he didn’t, and when I saw him this week he was complimentary and flirtatious, but also distant. I’ve been single for so long; how do I turn something like this into a relationship?</p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/23/single-so-long-how-to-start-new-relationship">Continue reading...</a>RelationshipsLife and styleThu, 23 Jul 2015 05:50:00 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jul/23/single-so-long-how-to-start-new-relationshipPhotograph: JGI/Jamie Grill/Blend Images/CorbisHow do I kickstart a nascent relationship?Photograph: JGI/Jamie Grill/Blend Images/CorbisHow do I kickstart a nascent relationship?Guardian Staff2015-07-23T05:50:00ZI don’t regret my Ashley Madison affair – the site helped me to live again | Anonymoushttp://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/22/ashley-madison-sex-wife-love
<p>I joined the dating website in search of sex after getting bored with my wife, but instead I found love. If my details are released, I’ll deal with the consequences</p><p>I married my high school sweetheart. In the 12 years that followed, I felt comfortable in marriage. We’re great friends, make each other laugh, and have enjoyed a decade’s worth of inside jokes and idiosyncrasies. Our sex life is satisfactory: once a week and in basic positions. But the passion is gone, and a couple of years ago my physical attraction to my wife waned due to her weight gain. My libido has increased with age, and with this I grew more dissatisfied and resentful of the prospect of a sexually unfulfilled life.</p><p>As time passed, I reflected on my limited experiences in light of the realisation that I may spend the rest of my life fundamentally unsatisfied. I realised that the love I have for my wife is and has always been far more platonic than romantic. I had married out of convenience and safety with little regard for anything deeper, other than the avoidance of any kind of insecurity, pain, or challenge. We really have had a comfortable life, but I reached a point where I was ready to act on my long-repressed desires and impulses, to broaden my horizons, even if it meant risking that life in search of what it meant to actually live.</p><p> <span>Related: </span><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/technology/2015/jul/20/ashley-madison-hacked-cheating-site-total-shutdown">Infidelity site Ashley Madison hacked as attackers demand total shutdown</a> </p><p> <span>Related: </span><a href="http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/21/it-hurts-but-im-going-to-defend-ashley-madison-and-37-million-cheaters">It hurts, but I’m going to defend Ashley Madison and 33 million adulterers | Van Badham</a> </p> <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/22/ashley-madison-sex-wife-love">Continue reading...</a>Ashley MadisonOnline datingDatingHackingTechnologyRelationshipsLife and styleMarriageData and computer securityWed, 22 Jul 2015 10:18:31 GMThttp://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jul/22/ashley-madison-sex-wife-lovePhotograph: Simon Belcher/Alamy‘In the midst of our struggle to determine how our futures would unfold together, the Ashley Madison hack happened.’Anonymous2015-07-22T10:18:31Z