Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Attention all librarians! Prepare to laugh your M.L.ASS. off. You're gonna love our hilarious new DVD Incident Reports Gone Wild. We've taken our customer's most outrageous true library stories and compiled them into over 2 hours of real-life insanity! Hosted by some drunken old TV has-been, each mind-boggling escapade has been painstakingly reenacted by the ever-talented Gouger Players. And it's guaranteed 100% all true. Besides, as any librarian knows, you can't make this kind of stuff up. You'll find yourself nodding your head in recognition at:

Random Acts of Unsightly Nudity

Fight Night @ the Library

What the Hell is That Lunatic Doing Now?

Couples Who Live to Have Loud Public Arguments

What's That Stain From?

Crazy Person Meltdown

Unsupervised Hellion Children and Their Wacky Families

It's great ice breaker for any professional get-together. Everyone will be howling with laughter and trying to top each other with their own bizarre library stories. Order today!

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

That many elderly patrons are hard of hearing will come as no surprise to any Gouger customer. Inspired by large-print books, our company has decided to launch the Deaf Ear Audio Book Series. Increase your circulation with these painfully loud readings of today's hottest best sellers. We've hired the entertainment industry's most talented and desperate performers to scream, screech, and bellow for us. Your deafish patron will love the extra volume these wonderful CDs provide. They'll be thrilled to enjoy audio books again. Just hope their neighbors like a good story!

The extra loudness is great enough, but we've added a bonus feature. Each sentence of the story is repeated at least twice! Why, it's just like having that famous Hollywood has-been right there reading to your patron. When they're not in Branson, they're recording for Gouger!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

One of the great mysteries of Library Science is the uniform awfulness of library parking. The urban library is often cursed with no parking whatsoever. The superior collection of these dowtown institutions is therefore lost on their core user group of homeless substance abusers and crazy people. Suburban and rural libraries have parking lots, but they are bletcherous nightmares. For some unknown reason architects design library lots in the oddest shapes. Multiple strange angles and blind spots make every trip to work a potential demolition derby.

To put an end to daily sideswipes and whiplash incident reports, get your library a Gouger Parking Lot in a Bag. Merely unzip this sturdy canvas carryall before opening time. A well-designed, roomy parking lot unfolds and sets itself up in mere seconds. In the evening it collapses in a wink. It's so compact, even a library has room to store it. Parking Lot in a Bag. A library parking lot that doesn't suck.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Uh oh. The city cut the library budget again. Old Mrs. Bitchcakes is ranting and raving because she can't use the phone. Several evil children are on an unsupervised rampage. Somebody plugged the toilet with the entire Sunday New York Times. If the antiquated computers are working a mopey guy is downloading something smutty. In short, a typical day in a typical library.

Wait, don't run out into traffic just yet. Gouger is here to help. Brighten up your library and your workday with our stylish Subliminal Carpeting. This wonderful floor covering is made exclusively for us. The finest craftsmen in Trashkanistan weave behavior-controlling message(s) into the pattern of each of these fine floor coverings. Pick and choose any of these hypnotizing library-based designs:

Cell Phones are Evil

No Whine, Pay Fine

Get Child Book

Me Shut Up Now

Library Good, Need Money

Your public will be acting just the way you've always dreamed when you install Gouger's mesmerizing Subliminal Carpeting. It's all so easy. Be the broad who looms large and order today.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

No matter how basic a photocopier is patrons will require assistance using it. They often come to you quite angry. It is your fault that they wasted $1.00 and didn't produce a single usable copy. Never mind pointing out the simple instructions posted inches away. The evil, greedy library bureaucracy is to blame. Even if you don't even own the damned machine it's your fault. You bastard.

How much money does your library shell out to placate indignant patrons? Turn your copy machines into a source of revenue today. Gouger's Crackpot Jackpot is both a quality photocopier and a fun-filled slot machine! Every copy transaction is a now a chance to win big! Not only won't patrons complain about losing their money, they will be lining up for the chance to try. Gouger guarantees no more complaints and plenty of profit. Jean Poole of the Landfill Free Library cleared over $5,000 last week and so can you!

The Crackpot Jackpot is so easy to set up. Just plug it in and it's ready to play, play, play. Call today and Gouger will ship it overnight.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Older patrons often suffer from frail health. One of the reasons is lack of exercise. As a public service and source of amusement, your library should invest in a system that will give them the workout they need.

Every opening time librarians witness a mini-Senior Olympics when a swarm of old timers sprint to have first dibs at the morning paper. Take this sense of healthy competition to the next level with our Go-Go Grandpa Daily Derby. Inspired by a day at the dog track, Gouger has taken the same machinery and substituted the rabbit with the daily news! This wonderful system goes into action as soon as the doors open. The newspaper zips around the easy-to-install track with the old folks in hot pursuit. Survival of the fittest at its finest.

As an added bonus, Gouger also includes reproducible betting slips to keep the staff involved. Everyone will wager on their favorite speedy senior. It's sure to liven up the workday. Plus, it makes sure everyone is at their posts at opening time. Maybe it could even be a fund raiser!

Monday, December 03, 2007

Keeping enthusiastic little ones from engulfing a performer is a challenge for every Children's Librarian. The traditional masking tape border on the floor becomes less effective each year. The recent tragedies with sock puppets in West Virginia and that singing cowboy in Fall River have been widely reported in the professional media. While humorous to those not involved, this behavior threatens the very existence of children's programming.

It doesn't have to be. Gouger has developed just the thing to keep happy little hellions at bay. Judy and Elroy will give Gabby the Clown a wide berth when you use our Abutting Away Electric Perimeter Tape. We've taken a library standard and charged with a jolt of juvenile aversion therapy. A discreet power source delivers a healthy shock to any child who entertains the idea of crossing the line. Simply lay down this electrified tape around the performance area as you would with the regular kind. When showtime comes around, simply power it up. It's just stunning!