Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Synopsis

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… A boy grew into a MAN, a SCOUNDREL became a POPSICLE and the AUDIENCE became AGHAST as the PRINCE OF DARKNESS reveals a TERRIBLE SECRET (unless you’ve seen Episode III first)…

By the Numbers

Abominable Snowman’s sneak attack roll: Natural 20

“A death mark’s not easy to live with”: No shit!

Awkward goodbyes: 2

Human stalactites: 1

Chances of surviving in a sub-zero environment without shelter or supplies: 725 to 1 (supposedly)

Reliable instructions offered by a hallucination: 2

Cozy entrail beds: 1

Nerf herders: 1

Twincest: 0.7

Examples of Vader overcompensating for something: 1

Giant robo-camels of death: 5

Frotting starships: 3

Hyperspace rolls fumbled: 3

Possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field: 3720 to 1

Odds beaten: 4445

TIE fighter evasion rolls failed: 4

Robots literally full of shit: 1

Perilous flirting: ALL THE PERILOUS FLIRTING

Crazy old goblins: One there is, yes. Mmmm!

Floating zombie heads: 1

Bowls of yummy swamp stew: 2

Giant space cocks: 1

Giant space cock vore: THERE’S NOT ENOUGH MIND BLEACH

Something something DARK SIDE: 7

Odds of surviving a direct assault on an Imperial Star Destroyer: SHUT UP

Try: 0

Violent interruptions: 1

Piggies in the middle: 0

Piggies out of the middle: 4

Wookiees in the middle: 1

Manoliths: 1

Father-son games of catch played: 1

Son’s failed catch rolls: 5

Father-son hand-jobs: Fuck this, I’m out!

Mark Hamill’s facial age upon learning of his parentage: 20 to 50 in 25 seconds