Thursday I got out of work at 5ish and I went with Iona, Morgan, and Danika to get some ice cream. They were calling me the Kilted Cowboy because I was wearing my kilt which I haven’t worn in a long time. I left it at my old apartment and when Pete moved out, he brought all my shit with him. He’s a good friend. So I was wearing my kilt with my Stepping Wolves and my Eastwood. Hence the kilted cowboy. Iona still calls me cowboy anyway.

Morgan brought along her new camera so she was photographing and videoing everything. She and Danika had gotten their ice creams and sat at a nearby picnic table while we were waiting for ours. I got mine and Iona got a frappe so that took the longest. I got an ice cream cone, three huge scoops of chocolate. Once Iona got her frappe, we started walking towards Morgan and Danika. Morgan was videotaping. And the next sequence of events she posted on her fb and Youtube and though I hate the fucking expression, it actually did go viral to the point that she’s gotten calls from ad companies and shit like that including people who want to interview me. No freakin’ way. I’m not interested in being an internet sensation–another expression I hate.

My name is Wall “Gunslinging” Grimm the Kilted Cowboy and this is the sequence of events that have exposed me globally.

WALL ‘GUNSLINGING’ GRIMM’S OPPORTUNITY FOR FAME:

If I begin by saying a huge wind came and you invisible journal reading people recall that I’m wearing a kilt, you might think you know what happened. Well that’s part of it, but not all.

This huge wind whooshed through the parking lot. There were tons of people, families, children. Iona and I approached Danika and Morgan, who was videotaping our approach. This huge wind came and since it’s been a long time since I’ve worn a kilt and I have my slow processing issues from the Gangsta, my first thought was, “shit, my hat.” So I put my hand on my head to hold my hat on. Morgan and Danika laugh and you can hear Danika saying, “oh yeah, don’t lose that hat cowboy” and Morgan said as my kilt blew up, “look at that gun,” to which Danika replied, “he’s a gunslinger” at which point you not only hear them laughing but other people nearby laughing or saying “oh my god” and stuff like that.

So the wind blows, I grab my hat, the wind blows up my kilt and my other hand has the ice cream cone in it. When my kilt blew up I tried to stop it with my ice cream cone hand, but I missed as it whipped up. Then the next part happened so fast. I missed the kilt but I realized that I wasn’t wearing underwear so maybe I should cover my junk. Keep my hat, cover my junk, the people behind me would just have to deal with the sight of my ass.

I bring my hand down, miss the kilt, bring it to conceal my amenities, but within those seconds I could feel the scoops of my three huge scoop ice cream cone about to fall off the cone. I wasn’t willing to give up the ice cream, so as I moved my hand down I switched my grip from the cone to the ice cream itself, with the bottom part of my hand holding the top of the cone. Then I could feel the cone was about to fall, so I pressed the ice cream against me to hold the cone. In other words, I smushed the ice cream against my balls. Then the cone dropped. And this was very clear to everyone as the wind continue to blow the kilt up. I let go of the ice cream and finally brought the kilt down with my arm and held it there. Then I went over to Morgan, who was still filming, and Danika, while Iona went to get me a new ice cream cone and some napkins.

Danika and Morgan were laughing so hard, they were like, why didn’t you just take your hat off and bring that down in front of you. I was like, shut up.

And now the video is all over the internet, global, millions of hits, or something like that. There’s a version that has my junk clouded over, then there’s the version at 18+ sites when you can see it all. Thanks Morgan. So now I’m Gunslinger Grimm, or the Kilted Cowboy, or the combination of the both. And the term viral, just means that the internet is a disease that spreads. I really don’t like technology very much. But I do have a sense of humor so I’m not embarassed, in fact, I’m proud of my junk, I’ve got nothing to hide. And the ice cream place gave me a new ice cream for free, because they saw the whole thing. But they put it in a dish, bigger scoops than before, two huge scoops and the cone sticking up in the middle. Funny.

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Yes I do wear a kilt. It’s not one I got specifically for myself, believe it or not I bought it at a flea market, but it’s the perfect, traditional length. I just don’t know what the tartan is. That’s sacrilege I think so shhhh. I have some Irish blood from my mother’s side. And a gunslinger hmmmm I’ll answer without innuendo, I don’t own a gun, but I do have a Stetson ;)