Big stars breakin’ into the booze biz

In a move that must be making mad mothers everywhere even madder, celebrities are increasingly attaching their names to various types of alcoholic beverages. And like that noted cereal pimp Tony the Tiger, liquor makers think these marriages between celebs and hooch are Greeaatttt!

Hip-hopper Sean "P. Diddy" Combs is the latest to flack for firewater by putting his name on a premium vodka. Or maybe not his name, since "P. Diddy" would go better on adult diapers than a vodka. But he's thrown himself into the booze biz. Other big music artists are flogging liquor these days, but I'm embarrassed to admit I have no idea who they are. I'm a Herman's Hermits guy in a 50 Cent world. Asking me to appreciate new music is like casting Pearl Jam before swine. (Copyright warning: The preceding two sentences are the intellectual property of Honolulu Lite Enterprises Inc.)

Semi-ancient rocker Sammy Hagar -- whose work I am familiar with -- has his own brand of tequila. It's called Cabo Wabo, which I think is Spanish for "You are no longer perpendicular, mi amigo."

Donald Trump is marketing his own super-premium vodka called -- wait for it -- Trump Vodka. There's a surprise. Danny DeVito, who showed up falling-down drunk on "The View" (but apparently is too short actually to fall over), has launched his own brand of lemon liqueur called Limoncello. I've never swilled lemon liqueur, but considering how DeVito threw himself on top of Barbara Walters on "The View" and started shouting, "Who's your daddy!" it must be pretty good stuff.

Willie Nelson's Old Whisky River Bourbon won a silver medal at the San Francisco Spirits Competition. The bronze metal, I believe, went to Britney Spear's Boone's Farm Pink Grapefruit Wine (The Premium Grapefruit Wine That Just Makes You Want to Whip Off Your Undies!). Willie Nelson is 126 years old, so whatever whisky he's drinking is good enough for me.

One of the more curious celebrity brand alcoholic beverages is J. Garcia Wine, named after legendary dead Grateful Dead rocker Jerry Garcia. Did I mention that -- unlike Willie -- Jerry's dead? Strange marketing ploy. How about Curt Cobain Champagne, Momma Cass Cognac and Elvis Presley Peanut Butter Schnapps? I'm trying to figure out what J. Garcia Wine might taste like: "A slightly 'acidic' wine, with a hearty smoky flavor and just a hint of mustiness from the River Ganges."

I tried to get an idea of where this celebrity liquor marketing trend is going by consulting the bible of alcohol consumption: Modern Drunkard Magazine. It doesn't mention the subject directly, but Modern Drunkard does list the "Top 10 Alcohol Icons," such as the Hamm's Beer Bear and Captain Morgan, the pirate of Captain Morgan's Rum. I'm pretty sure the Hamm's Bear played drums briefly with Herman's Hermits, and Captain Morgan hangs out at the Cabo Wabo Cantina in Baja, Mexico, with Sammy Hagar.

Buy Charles Memminger's hilarious new book, "Hey, Waiter, There's An Umbrella In My Drink!" at island book stores or online at any book retailer. E-mail him at cmemminger@starbulletin.com