Friday, April 21, 2017

Crime Does Not Pay #3: “Desert Death” (10/19/35)

I’m two weeks into the Crime
Does Not Pay series here at Thrilling
Days of Yesteryear, and already I have been able to gauge its monumental
success because the CDNP shorts that
had been previously posted at YouTube have been removed.I swear I’m not making this up.Some kind soul uploaded some of the
two-reelers to the ‘Tube, blissfully unaware that they are owned by legitimate
copyright holders…so you could argue that it was only a matter of time before
it was brought to someone’s attention and the necessary “cease and desist”
letter mailed to the violator.(As
always, cartooners—Uncle Ivan frowns on people who disregard copyrights…unless
it’s a movie he really wants to see and can’t become some rat bastard has it locked
it away in a vault somewhere.)I thought
that if I refrained from mentioning the shorts’ presence on YouTube, I could
continue to conveniently view them in the confines of Count Comfy von Chair and
not have to resort to sitting in my painful office desk chair, preparing my weekly
snark.As for those of you who are
smugly saying to yourself right now “Well—he’s certainly overstated his
importance in the blogosphere, the conceited ass!” I can only counter: “Can you
prove it didn’t happen?”

This week, even though the “MGM Reporter” is identified at
the (always reliable) IMDb, it would not have been necessary for me to consult
that reference source because I recognized him right off as actor Richard
Carlson—star of TV’s I Led 3 Lives and many
science-fiction movie classics like It
Came from Outer Space (1953) and Creature
from the Black Lagoon (1954).(The
[always reliable] IMDb says this is his first movie—believe them if you
must.)In fact, Desert Death (1935) is the first Crime
Does Not Pay short to credit performers in its main titles—the lucky
winners are character great Raymond Hatton (a silent film veteran best known
for his appearances in the “Three Mesquiteers” series) and not-quite-yet-a-character-great-but-on-his-way
Harvey Stephens, remembered for his impressive stage work and appearances in
movies like The Cheat (1931) and Evelyn Prentice (1934).And now, let’s see what’s going on down in
Pine Ridge…

REPORTER: How do you do, ladies
and gentlemen…this is the MGM Reporter drawing your attention once again to the
fact that crime is one business in which the final entry must always be set down in the debit side of the ledger…

Suppose you’re using two sets of books?

REPORTER: At this time, it’s my
privilege to interview for you Mr. Burton James, chief investigator for one of
the nation’s largest insurance companies…

As always, the individual who narrates these shorts is
completely fictional—“James” is played by actor John Hyams, whose slightly-more-famous
daughter Leila appeared in such movie classics as Freaks (1932) and Rugglesof Red Gap (1935).

REPORTER: From your experience,
Mr. James, do you believe that crime does not pay?

“I’d be a fool to answer ‘no,’ young fella—do I look like I want MGM to stop payment on
my check?”James explains to Reporter
Guy that “the criminal, no matter how clever he is, can’t win.”

JAMES: Now in this work of
insurance investigation—we deal with some of the brainiest and most astute
criminals in the world…

REPORTER: And if the smart criminal can’t win—there certainly
isn’t much chance for any of the others, eh?

“That’s right, my boy.Crime is not a profession for morons.”Because we have twenty minutes to kill, James
has just such a tale to illustrate how not even the best and the brightest can
advance in the challenging, dog-eat-dog world of wanton criminality—ace
investigator Bob Mehaffey (Stephens) is sent out into “desert country” to probe
into the death of a man named John Collins…accompanied by a local sheriff
(Erville Alderson) who looks as if he and Chet Lauck share the same makeup man.The deceased Collins had been living with his
cousin, George Lesh, out on Lesh’s sheep ranch for the past six months.According to “Sheriff Alder.” Collins had
been out to pick up some supplies and in his driving haste, badly negotiated a
hairpin turn.He went down an
embankment, and might have walked away with nary a scratch had the cans of
gasoline in the back of his vehicle not explodiated upon impact.

MEHAFFEY: What can you tell me
about Collins?

SHERIFF: Well, nobody rightly
knows much about him…and even less about old Lesh…Lesh is a…county mystery, you might say…came here
to herd sheep for the Magowan Brothers about fifteen years ago and scarcely a…a
soul has as much as laid eyes on him close up in all that time…

MEHAFFEY: How come?

SHERIFF: Well, he’s what you
might call a ree-cluse…

When Mehaffey inquires as to how Lesh gets his supplies, Alder
explains that in addition to his being a lawman he owns the local store (you
thought I was kidding with the Lum ‘n’ Abner comparisons, didn’t
you?)—and his delivery man makes regular trips up to Lesh’s mailbox.(Lesh’s box, by the way, is fourteen miles from his spread.And to think I complain about having to dodge
mud puddles to pick up the House of Yesteryear’s mail.)Old Lesh will leave a list of what he needs
in the box and the money to cover it, and once the delivery guy picks that up
he returns to town, grabs what the old hermit needs from the Jot ‘Em Down
Store’s inventory, and brings it back to deposit at the mailbox.Lesh then waits until sundown to retrieve the
goods.(I suppose I don’t have to tell
you that if Lesh ever needs any dairy products he’s going to be seriously boned,
what with living in the desert and all.)

MEHAFFEY: Queer old duck, eh?

SHERIFF: Ain’t no name for
it…gets his pay the same way at the mailbox…

MEHAFFEY: Ever see the dead man—Collins?

SHERIFF: Only sorta…

Sheriff Lum relates spotting Collins when he first arrived
in Allenville six months ago.He wasn’t
able to identify Collins’ body in the wreck at first—“There wasn’t much left of
him as you could see back there in the undertaking parlor”—and originally assumed
it was Old Lesh who cracked up in the vehicle (it was his “flivver”).But there were items in the wreck with
Collins’ initials on them (a hat, a ring, and a pocket watch), and upon
stopping by the shack, Old Lesh accompanied Alder to identify the body.

The two men arrive at the scene of Collins’ accident.I strongly suspect that the “large insurance
company” referenced by the MGM Reporter at the beginning of this narrative is Central
Casualty, the outfit that employs Eric Gregg (Ronald Reagan) in the 1939
programmer Accidents Will Happen.Why, you may be asking?Well, because after an examination by Mehaffey…there
are elements to this “accident” that do not add up.

A pool of oil clearly visible on the highway…

The ignition switch is in the “off” position…

MEHAFFEY: Strong smell of
gasoline, isn’t there?

SHERIFF: Shouldn’t wonder…he had
twenty-five gallons in that back
seat…

“Twenty-five gallons?What was he doing, drinking
it?”Mehaffey finds the remnants of one
of the cans…with a peculiar gash in the top…

An additional canvassing of the area turns up evidence of some
sagebrush that’s been removed from its base…a further search reveals the missing
piece, tossed aside a few yards away…

SHERIFF: What’s that you got
there?

MEHAFFEY: Piece of sagebrush,
isn’t it?

SHERIFF: Sure…country’s all cluttered up with it…

“We are in the desert,
you know.”Finally, Mehaffey locates a teensy
scrap of paper on the ground…and breaks the silence with “Sheriff…I’m not sure
that was an accident.”

SHERIFF: No?You think it was planned, mebbe?

MEHAFFEY: I’m not sure yet…

SHERIFF: Suicide?

MEHAFFEY: Might be…guess we
better get up and see Old Lesh…

And so our heroes arrive at what used to be the old Haney
place—now the address of Lesh the Hermit.They’re greeted by several dogs, who commence to barking at the
strangers until an elderly gent (Hatton) emerges from behind the shack, and
adroitly tends to the nuisance by throwing a few rocks at the canines.Alder makes the proper introductions, and the
trio go inside the house.

MEHAFFEY: Mister Lesh?Sheriff Alder here tells me you’ve been
living here alone for a long time…up
until about six months ago…

LESH: Yeah…that’s right…

MEHAFFEY: Do you mind if I ask
you just how it happened that Mr. Collins came out here to live with you?

Lesh explains that he and John Collins (Arthur Stone) are
cousins, and in a series of flashbacks he tells Mehaffey that while he was
reluctant to take Collins in, he felt an obligation since he was his only
living relative.Collins wrote in a
letter that he was dying and needed a change of climate for his health.As he strolls merrily along Memory Lane,
Mehaffey offers him a cigarette…and Lesh accepts it as if he hasn’t made a trip
to Flavor Country in months.

LESH: You been here three days now, John…it’s time I said
somethin’…

COLLINS: Well?

LESH: The minute I laid eyes on
ya I knew there wasn’t nothin’ wrong with your health…’cept maybe a little too much alky-hol…what’s this all about?

COLLINS: Well, I’ve been meaning
to tell you all along, George…the fact is I…I didn’t know how you’d take it…I’m…well…I’m
in a jam…you see…I got mixed up in a
shady deal over some government bonds and…I’ve just gotta have a good, safe place to hide until the whole thing
blows over…

Mehaffey informs Lesh that Collins wasn’t just whistlin’
Dixie as he produces a piece of paper from his pocket—it’s a notice with
Collins’ picture on it, and the words “Fugitive Wanted” printed above.

LESH: Of course…after I heard
about this I…told him to clear out…but
he begged me to stay…he said he wasn’t wholly to blame…and you know, after he’d
been here the first few days…I really
enjoyed talkin’ to someone…

“Felons always seem to tell the best stories.”

MEHAFFEY: Did anyone see him
during the six months he was here?

LESH: Why…uh…no…not that I
recollect…you see, he wanted to avoid
seein’ folks…

MEHAFFEY: Did he usually go up
to the junction for the supplies?

LESH: No…no…I did…but I got in
kinda late and I was just plumb tired out and…he said he’d go up for the stuff
so I...I let him…I guess I hadn’t oughta done it…he’d be alive yet…

“Didn’t you wonder what happened to him when he didn’t return?” presses Mehaffey.Lesh claims he knew nothing about it until
Alder came in and woke him up the next morning to report the accident.Then the investigator goes for the Coup de
Gracie:

MEHAFFEY: Mr. Lesh…did you know
that John Collins took out a $75,000 life
insurance policy…naming you as
beneficiary just before he left the East?

LESH: Why…no!

MEHAFFEY: Well, he did…he had a
double indemnity in case of accident clause, too…that’s why I’m here…we’ll be
paying out $150,000…

Mehaffey is puzzled that Collins never mentioned what a
grand guy he was to be so thoughtful of his cuz…until Lesh remembers that
Cousin John did refer to it in passing:

COLLINS: I’m innocent…but if you turn me out, they’ll
put me in jail for something I didn’t do just the same…let me stay…just a
little while…you’ll never regret taking
me in…I’ve…seen to that…

“But this policy is voided in case of suicide,” continues
Mehaffey.“Now, can you think of any
reason—apart from the fact that he was a fugitive from justice—why he might
have wanted to take his own life and make it look like an accident?”George pooh-poohs this notion, recalling that
the deceased Collins was feeling “pretty chipper” the last couple of days and
had even made noises about returning East.“You don’t mean that…that he’d take his life to pay me back?” inquires Lesh.Lesh refuses to entertain such a notion…but let’s be reasonable, old
timer—he’s been hiding out from the long arm of the law for six months; I
wouldn’t put anything past him.

“Do you mind if I look around a little?”Mehaffey asks the old man.“I’ve got to make my report sound like I’m on
the job.”(“And to justify this fat
expense account the company affords me, no questions asked.”)In looking about the cabin, the investigator notices
a pipe and a nearly full tin of tobacco.“Yours?” he asks Lesh, and Lesh replies in the affirmative.The investigator also asks upon spying a
straight razor and shaving brush if the items belong to Lesh, with the bearded Lesh
remarking that “I gave those up years ago.”(They belonged to Collins.)

Having completed his snooping, Mehaffey seats himself at a desk
to jot down some notes on a pad…and deliberately breaks the point of his
pencil.“Got a knife?” he asks his host,
and Lesh produces one from his pocket.Mehaffey re-sharpens his pencil, but before returning the knife to
George he pulls the piece of the gas canister from his pocket, and inserts the
blade in the puncture.It fits like a
glove.He hands the knife back to Lesh,
and remarks to Alder: “Well, Sheriff…guess we can be getting back to Allenville
now…”

“But on the other hand…it’s possible he’s right.”(Fence straddler.Must be a Democrat.)

SHERIFF: I’m right curious,
Mister—just how you figure out this murder
business…

“He probably didn’t commit any murder.It’s just that…well, we are an insurance company and we’ll do just about anything to avoid paying a claim.”No, I’m just kidding—Mehaffey has the goods
on old George:

MEHAFFEY: In spite of what you
say, you did know that John Collins
had taken out a life insurance policy payable to George Lesh…you planned this
murder for months…you ordered the
gasoline and knew when it would be
delivered…so in some way, you either killed your victim or knocked him out…then
you drove to the junction in the dark and picked up the cans of gasoline…you
drove back and stopped the car where the so-called accident happened…I know you
stopped, because I found the little pool of oil that formed in the road while
the car stood there…

There’s more, of course.The ignition switch was still in the “off” position, because the
murderer forgot to turn it back on as he was shoving the vehicle over the
embankment.The gasoline cans were
gashed open with the knife, and the snapped sagebrush was where the killer used
a piece to cover up his footprints.The
scrap of paper Mehaffey found at the scene was what was left of the torch the
murderer fashioned to set the gasoline-soaked flivver ablaze.An outraged Lesh accuses Mehaffey of lying,
and concocting the story to get out of paying the claim (hey, there must be some reason why there’s fifty gazillion
lawyer commercials on the tee vee warning me not to trust insurance
companies).It looks to be a
“he-said-he-said” situation until Lesh stupidly picks up a shotgun by the door
and brandishes it at the two men…then makes a run for it…

Get him, Lassie!Go
get him, girl!One of the barking dogs
leaps upon Lesh, sending him to the ground and allowing Alder and Mehaffey to
procure his weapon.Mehaffey asks the
sheriff for the handcuffs, and he quickly snaps them on Lesh’s wrists.“You men are crazy,” snarls Lesh.“I swear
I didn’t murder John Collins.”

“I don’t remember saying that you did,” replies Mehaffey as
he grabs the shaving brush and razor and promises the Sheriff “a big surprise”
as he moves toward Lesh.(Yes, this is
where Desert Death goes south for me
because I seriously doubt Lesh would sit there and allow someone to shave him
without struggle or protest.)

“There…you’re nice and clean…although your
face…looks…like…it’s…gone…t’ru…a…machine…”Mehaffey’s back is toward the camera, and when he steps out of the way
“Lesh” is revealed to be none other than John Collins.Since no one had seen “Old Lesh” in years,
the two men’s builds and height were virtually identical—and Collins waited six
months before he killed the old codger to allow his beard to grow in
approximation of his victim.How did Mehaffey
know “Lesh” was Collins?Well, Collins
attacked that cigarette he was offered even though he had a pipe and tobacco
within reach.If the razor and shaving
brush did belong to Collins, there would have been signs of use (earlier, Mehaffey
touched the bristles on the brush and raised up a small cloud of dust).But what cinched his suspicions was the
reaction the two men got on their arrival from the dogs around the shack: “No
sheepherder ever lived that had dogs
who wouldn’t obey.”(So you’re saying
the damn dog did most of the work, and you couldn’t even give him a simple “Well,
King…thanks to you, this case is closed.”)

And in slipping the handcuffs on Collins, he saw an untanned
band around one of his fingers—one that had been accommodating the same bit of
bling that Alden found among the effects in the wreckage.“The sun gave him away.” (Stupid sun.)

JAMES: Collins was one of the
cleverest and brainiest crooks the police have ever had to deal with…but he
wasn’t quite clever enough…he died in the electric chair…

It hurts, they tell me.

REPORTER: And if the law finally
gets a brilliant criminal like Collins—what chance do the others…the…the less
clever ones…of making crime pay?

JAMES: No chance in the world,
my boy…no chance…

Remember, kids—if you’re going to commit a crime, be sure to
take that I.Q. test beforehand.Next
week: A Thrill for Thelma.G’bye now!

2 comments:

Gary R.
said...

Excuse the nitpick, but the sheriff is played by Erville Alderson, not Anderson. It's the same name mistake I made for years whenever I spotted him in a movie. And his character's last name in this is Alder, which serves as a handy reminder!