13 Answers

Hi Random, I hope you're doing better... I so understand how you can feel so depressed ar times because you just want to love and be loved by your mother. I bet you're the loving one and she's the opposite of you... That's her wired personality and, as I've found out the hard way after so many years of heartbreak of trying, you CAN'T change them... They can't and won't change!... I still and will always feel like I want the closeness and kindness from my mother that I know I will never, ever have. I know the feeling (all the different feelings) of being a daughter held 'hostage' in this disfuntional world. It's taking me so long to shake this... I've talked with counsellors, people, and nothing really has helped me 'accept' the fact of the 'treatment' (like you) that I have gotten from my mother and brothers (no sisters). Hopefully, some day I can truly come to an understanding of this and accept the mother for who she is. Always working on it... Just want you to know you're not alone.

To answer your question directly, she does this because the part of her brain that controls rational behavior probably is deteriorating rapidly but the part that controls anger and swearing etc is working just fine as it's the last area to go. As my geriatric doctor told me, expect that any bad behavior your mom exhibited when she was younger will get much worse and sometimes new issues will develop. Please understand that when as a caregiver of anyone very close to you it's so normal to feel depressed, scared,inexperienced, tired and burnt out. On the other hand, it's also normal for those in need of care to lash out at the caregiver around the most. This site is wonderful for support and learning. The downloads helped me way more than what my friends and family were saying, which pretty much scared me to depression. Take time to look after yourself and do something you love and find fun everyday. This will help. Hugs!

Remember always, it is MOM, not you, who is wrong. You may never know why, or maybe you can learn why from how she was brought up , or you wil find out she is depressed or she is slowly losing capabilities and needs to blame sometihng, anything else rather than face that.

I grew up feeling soooo WRONG all the time until I finally realized Mom was being unreasonable. Even then it was years of having no confidence in myself and feeling totally defective, reawakened when I had to start caring for her and the constant criticism started up again.

It does not matter why. When 911 comes, or adult protective services, or child protective services, they will get mom the help she needs to stop hurting you, controlling you, blaming you. (Even if she just threatens you).

1) Walk away.2) Tell her you don't get to treat me that way.3) Call 911 if she lays a hand on you/tries to beat you.4) Be brave, be truth, allow the consquences lie where they will.

This advice is for adults or children.You, and everyone, are worth so much more than to be treated that way.Stop turning your anger in towards yourself, that causes depression and the ideas that you want to die or kill yourself. You don't have to do that to yourself. Do not believe the lies that your messed up mind is telling you, do not believe anything that your mom is telling you about yourself. You are so beloved by a God that cares.

BillsLiz, God Love you. I was raised with a father who yelled all the time. Always picked his fights at the dinner table. Lots of times I left the table crying. Other than this, Dad loved and supported us. But, I would never be able to put up with this even though the person has Dementia. It would eventually get to me.

If it is Dementia, then u can't take what she does or says to heart. If she is violent, hitting you, then she needs to be in a nursing facility. This is not a good situation for you. If this is not an Dementia problem, you need help.

My husband yells at me all the time and then is sweet as pie to a friend 5 minutes later and then yells at me 5 seconds later. Sometimes he wakes up yelling or snapping. He was NEVER like this as his healthy self. I can take it because I know this is the dementia and not him. Many issues in aging adults appear first as the person irrationally agrivated. Your mom could be in pain, have an infection internally, or some undiagnosed medical condition. Try to question her about her health and snoop in her laundry and garbage to see if she is hiding a medical condition like incontenance or bleeding. Check that she is taking any medications properly, not under or over dosing. For yourself, if you are a caregiver in any way, get into a caregivers support group or some other counseling help because you are definitely not alone. It is important not to lose yourself in your mother's health issues, whatever they may be.

A lot so times older people or those that don't feel well lash out at those closest to them because they're loosing their independence, youth, etc. Unfortunately, this may be the case with you. Do you have any siblings or relatives to confide in? I'd try to get out or distance yourself as much as possible. To keep your sanity while trying to get some outside advise otherwise this could get worse. Also, know you're not alone in your feelings of despair so don't be angry at yourself.

Random, we need much more information, please. What is your mother's age and medical issues? Does she have memory loss? Where does she live and with whom? How old are you? Are you your Mom full-time caregiver? Why are you so afraid of your mother? Why can't you have someone else be her caregiver, and you move out if you are residing with your mother? When was the last time she saw her primary doctor? What does he/she say?

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