How Not to Win a Woman’s Heart

Seduction can be a complicated game, especially when it comes to women. Often women expect their partners to be‘mind-readers’ and they want them to know exactly what they want and need (without the poor guy ever being told what that is!) Luckily, there are a few standbys which many women agree upon.

Here is a cheat sheet to help you seduce your partner:

1. You don’t plan dates.Women love to be romancedand seduced, and sometimes something as simple as dinner reservations can make her feel loved and cared for. However, guys sometimes sit back on date night because they don’t want to make the wrong choice. But, rest assured, it’s the effort that counts, regardless of if she loves Middle Eastern fare or seafood.

2. You forget to compliment her.Sure, you think she’s beautiful, but if you never tell her, she can easily start to wonder if you have lost your attraction to her. A small compliment such as “You look sexy in that dress” can leave her smiling all day — and bonus, she’ll be more likely to channel that complimentary and erotic energy right back to you.

3. You don’t let her vent.Men sometimes don’t understand venting for venting’s sake, but by letting your partner complainabout her daily concerns or coworkers without cutting her off, you are actually helping her to feel supported and important. Don’t try to interrupt her or give her solutions unless she asks for help — she might just want to get something off her chest and think about her own solutions.

4. You don’t make her feel desirable.It’s easy for women to get caught in the trap of feeling like nothing more than mommies, and it can be hard to switch from that mode right into vixen mode. Help her to tap into her vixen on a regular basis by buying her lingerie or sending her sexy texts throughout the day.

5. You don’t help out around the house.Ever heard of “choreplay?” It’s a funny term used to describe the sexy surge of energy that can occur when a man helps his wife out around the house. The woman feels more appreciated, and she also has more time and energy to take a hot bath and get in the mood.

6. You give up your past self.Both you and your partner need to have separate interests and hobbies that keep you engaging and well-rounded people. Don’t give up your friends or your extracurricular activities just because you are with your partner — your many interests and unique hobbies are what made you so desirable to her in the first place.

7. Don’t morph into one of her gal-pals.Sometimes women try to drag their guys everywhere from the nail salon to chick flicks, and while their intentions are good (they just want to spend time with you), it can turn your relationship into more of a friendship. Keep that sexual energy in place by letting her engage in those guilty pleasures with her girlfriends — absence makes the heart grow fonder, especially when it comes to the latest installment of Steel Magnolias.

8. You don’t make any moves.Some people are shocked at how much women are responding to the BDSM-eroticaFifty Shades of Grey, but personally I think it makes a lot of sense. Women appreciate Christian Grey because he is commanding and confident and he takes charge in the bedroom, allowing his partner to simply lay back and accept pleasure without inhibition. You don’t need to break out the handcuffs (unless she wants you to), but you can bring that same feeling to your bedroom simply by being more assertive and confident.

9. You don’t kiss her anymore.It’s so simple but so important! Kissing keeps you bonded and intimate, and it helps keep you sexual energy intact even on those days when you don’t have time to have sex. Whether it’s an innocent kiss or a full-on lip-lock, make sure you kiss her for at least 10 seconds everyday.

10. You don’t stand up for her.Whether it’s taking her side on a parenting issue or defending her to a rude waiter, your partner wants nothing more than to feel protected and supported by the man in her life. You don’t have to morph into a caveman, but you can turn her day around by simply saying “I am on your side, what can I do to help?”

Last Updated: 01/09/2013

Laura Berman, PhD, is a leading sex and relationship educator and therapist, popular TV and radio host, New York Times best-selling author, and assistant clinical professor of ob-gyn and psychiatry at the Feinberg School of Medicine at Northwestern University in Chicago.