LACMA Renames Levitating Mass, Morons Under Rock

Since it’s opening this May, LACMA’s newest attraction, LEVITATING MASS, with a pricetag of over twenty-million dollars, has attracted the interest, and bewilderment, of thousands of less-than bright visitors. Mary Kelly, in for the week with her unruly kids from Wichita, Kansas, said she and her boys had visited the “big rock” twice already, and were still amazed: “I mean … $20 million? I don’t get it … is there a big diamond inside it?”

LACMA Assistant Curator, Preston Jinkins, denied there were any diamonds inside the exhibit. “Oh no, there’s nothing of value, whatsoever, in that rock … we had it x-rayed, and x-raying a rock of that mass is not cheap, believe me!”

Jolene Simmons, here with her sister Peg, from Appleton, Wisconsin, had even less to say: “Levitating? The stupid thing’s being held up by bolts! They don’t even try and hide them! Pardon the French, but Levitating my patootie! Now could you direct us to the Smoothie stand, hon?”

Gerry Garvey, of Yonkers N.Y., was also less than complimentary of LACMA’s newest sensation. “I thought there was a bar under it? That’s what the guy at the hotel said. I mean, why send people to a friggin’ rock — it’s not like it could fall on you. They got a ton of girders on it!”

Nearby children, staring slackjawed at the heavily re-inforced rock, agreed that installing a rock that might fall on top of you would be way cooler than what the current attraction offered. Sally Pendelton, from Seattle Washington, said she’d camp out for weeks if there was any chance to see the rock fall on humans. “My cousin recorded a deer getting hit by a van, totally gross … and CNN paid her $500 for the video. Awesome, right? Can you imagine what they’d pay for crushed people! More than $500, or no deal!”

LACMA Assistant Curator Preston Jinkins, denied aggressively there was any chance that the rock could fall on patrons. “What do you think we spent the $20 million on? Guess yet … cause I’ll tell you … making sure that damn rock will never fall on anyone. Those screws you see sticking out of the rock are really strong. Mithril, or something, and they cost like … a lot. It’s not like we pocketed the cash. That’s an insane accusation! This is a non-profit.” Jinkins then broke into a sweat, exiting fast, and was last seen driving down 6th Street in his 2012 BMW 750.