My husband and I had tried to conceive for 11 months before we got to see those two beautiful pink lines on a home pregnancy test. The emotional excitement and relief that we finally got pregnant was probably one of the most amazing experiences I had ever felt in my entire life. Five weeks after we got that positive pregnancy test, our lives turned a completely different direction.

Never in a million years did I think I would end up with a miscarriage. I don’t think any of us do. Though, I did constantly worry about the chances of it happening. I was 9 weeks pregnant when it happened. We got to see our baby on our first ultrasound at 7w1d and saw a strong 164bmp heartbeat twice. Our doctor told us it was very good that we saw the heartbeat so early on and it greatly reduced our chances of a miscarriage… did I ever get false hope!

It was on a Wednesday when I woke up in the middle of the night and became so dizzy I ended up walking into a wall. I spent the entire day laying on the couch trying to relax and be calm. I spotted brownish discharge on and off all day and just knew deep down inside, something wasn’t right. I even started crying. My husband told me I just needed to relax and that I was worrying over nothing. The next morning, I called my midwife and she had me come into the office immediately. She did an ultrasound and couldn’t find a heartbeat; immediately she sent us to the hospital to see if she was wrong. During that ultrasound, we got to see our baby again, and s/he measured at 8w6d, right where s/he should have measured essentially. After checking the size of the baby, they put color up onto the screen which was to indicate blood vessels. Our baby was just a black mark on the screen, no heartbeat, nothing. My heart sunk and I immediately dropped into a depression.

I scheduled a D&C with my OB for the following Monday, but started bleeding on Friday and decided to take the medication to continue the process more naturally. It took all of an hour for the medication to kick in and for my uterus to start contracting. The cramping pain was so bad. I’ve never in my life experienced pain like I did that night. My husband became worried for me and got permission from his sergeant to come home and check on me. I was apparently in and out of consciousness when he got home, so he called 911 and I was transported to the ER. I was given morphine and fluids at the ER as well as an ultrasound which confirmed my body had been able to abort everything on its own.

Today is 3 weeks to the day we found out our baby’s heart stopped beating [at time of writing]. It was also the day we scheduled our 12-week ultrasound. It has been extremely bittersweet and emotional. I take every day as it comes. Emotionally, I’m a bit more stable than where I was when I found out, and honestly I’m just ready to try again. God needed my baby more than I needed him/her and He has a plan for us. I keep telling myself that God won’t take me to, what God won’t get me through It’s so hard to stay positive with all of this, but I know one day soon, we will have our rainbow baby.

[Update]

My husband and I eventually had to pursue IVF and just welcomed our boy/girl twins on December 5, 2014. Call it women’s intuition, but I just knew something wasn’t right with my body. I found out after going through extensive testing, that we only had a 4% chance of conceiving naturally. With the help of modern medicine, our dream of being parents has come true.

I encourage women (and men) to share their stories of loss. Feel empowered to open up and accept love from those around you. It felt so much better knowing I didn’t have to experience my loss and heartbreak alone.