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Hip, Hip, Hoor-GAY. It’s Nat’l Coming Out Day!

Posted on October 11, 2012

Well, well, well, would Sweet Mother be the gay ‘ole blog that she claims to be if she didn’t pay homage to National Coming Out Day? I think not. So, in order to celebrate, I’ve decided to do several things this morning. 1- I will have a second cup of coffee to celebrate. 2- I just turned to the dog and said, “I’m a lesbian.” (In her defense, she looked back and said, “I know. What do you think I’m an idiot?) 3- I will continue to be gay, in honor of this day filled with imaginary pageantry and nothing particularly out of the ordinary.

I remembered it was coming out day simply because I have a huge fairy that lives under the bed. He sort of looks like this:

I call him my iFairy because he’s like icalendar on your computer. He will remind you of all gay events taking place throughout the year. Thankfully, because of iFairy I have never missed a gay pride parade or an annual Harvey Milk celebration.

I assume that an iFairy is quite a common feature to have in one’s home. Whatever your activist passion is, there’s an i-avatar for it. Are you passionate about Black History Month? The new Holocaust Memorial on Main Street? Well, if you don’t want to forget about these things, simply download your iJudeo or your iAfro, keep ‘em under the bed, and your friends will think you are the centerpiece of the movement.

I’d convert for 5 minutes alone with the Hammer…

iFairy does all my gay-reminding and more. I mean, there are days I come home and he has a mojito, gently shaken, and chilled, outstretched in the palm of his hand – just for me. Suffice it to say, I love me some iFairy.

So, as I chatted with my gay fellow this morning about all things gay over pumpkin spice blend coffee from Trader Joe’s we hit upon something interesting. iFairy slipped out from under the bed, greeted me, and “came out” to Wifesy. Wifesy said, “I know you’re gay, iFairy, for god’s sake you’re iFairy!! In fact, we’ve all come out -here- in this apartment. I have to go to work. You two, carry on with your imaginary blogging nonsense.” iFairy looked at me as if to say, “What crawled up her stethoscope and died?” I shrugged, “Who knows.” iFairy and I decided to carry on our gay way.

As we sipped the pumpkin blend and chatted, we also stole glances at CNN. Soon, a very interesting news story appeared. It was about a Christian “heterosexual” man who decided to “play” gay for a year to see what gay people experienced. He “came out” of this experiment (all puns intended) wholly changed and with a new found respect for gay people. He went on to say that and I’m paraphrasing, “he had never realized how much gay people put on the line to live their lives honestly.”

This got iFairy’s wheels churning. After looking at the Christian heterosexual man for a moment, iFairy questioned whether or not the man was actually straight. “No, I think he’s probably straight,” I said. “Why?” asked iFairy. “Because he says he is,” I retorted.

And that’s really just enough, isn’t it? I thought about all the men (and some women) over the course of my life, who I’ve thought, “No way, they are gay.” But, yet, they live their lives as straight. Now, some of these people are liars. Some of them are Ted Haggarts and they are telling the world they are straight while living gay lives out of back alleys. Clearly, I have no sympathy for them. But, I do have sympathy for the straight man whose sexuality is called into question everyday of his life. I know a good handful of men like this and although everyone around them has questioned their proclivities, they have lived their lives as straights. Now, sure, they may be a small percentage of these men who actually are gay, but the thought of coming out or living against the norms of society is just far too much. So, they have decided to push that part of themselves down, way down, Ted Haggart-style. But, then there are the straight men who are -perhaps- a bit effeminate or sensitive or contemplative or metrosexual, but they like lady-parts as if it were their day jobs. They are passionate about lady-parts. What about those poor fellows? Imagine having your straight sexuality questioned day after day after day…

It’s almost like growing up gay.

And there you have it. We are not that different at all. At least some of us, anyway.

In fact, iFairy and I have come up with a new idea for National Coming Out Day. For those of you who are gay, and on your way out of the closet, this day is for you…so, please, carry on. But, for the straights who think – ah – what the feck, that day is for the gays! I say no.

I say…

If you’re straight…

COME OUT TODAY!

Come out about anything.

Tell your next cab driver that you have a foot fetish.

Tell your co-worker that nothing gets you going more than the knobs on the mannequin in the Macy’s window.

Let your parents know that your entire life you’ve never enjoyed their chicken soufflé. You’ve always hated it and it’s about time they knew. Not only that, you are refusing to eat it, ever again. Because no matter what they do, they can not make you enjoy chicken soufflé!

Let your priest know that you use birth control.

Tell your rabbi about your bacon habit.
Tell a neighbor about how much you enjoy the roundness of your husband’s right flank. You love it so much that if you don’t rub it 3 times each morning like Aladdin, you just can’t start the day.

Come out about something. Tell a truth. If it’s an interesting little sexual quirk, all the better.

Do that and for one, brief, moment in time – we will ALL understand what this “Coming Out” is all about.

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My second creation, Canadica, has a wonderful post up by roller-lady. GO THERE, AFTER THIS. It’s all about Canadian Thanksgiving. Oh, the things I didn’t know. The things I didn’t know!

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60 Comments

I sometimes pee on my partner in the shower. Usually if I’m slightly grumpy with my partner and we are sharing water I will cuddle up to him, be all kissy kissy and piss down his leg. It’s not till the smell wafts up that he knows.
Portia xx

loooooooooooooooollll. dear gawd, i think i love you. if that is not a coming out celebration, than i don’t know what it is. let’s just say you have seriously left the most “golden” of coming out tidbits. ugh, dying laughing. i heart you, portia, so much. xo, sm

I was raised catholic, even went to a catholic grade school. Because of this I decided, at a young age (around 12 or 13) that I was going to wait until marriage before I enjoy any “Lady Parts”. This was no big deal, until I started getting up there in age. From about 18 to 25, or so, we had a family “friend” that would ask me the same two questions every time he saw me. “You get laid yet?” nope. “You gay?” nope. And I had a female friend that would defend me, while I wasn’t around. She said “If he came out I would prove you all wrong.” Sometimes I think I should have taken her up on that.
But, I enjoyed some “Lady Parts” at 26 and shut him up pretty quick.

loooool. i know a lot of guys like this. one guy from ny, a buddy of mine, comes to mind in particular. for years everyone was like, ‘he’s gay. come on, he’s gay.’ but, i never thought so. then again, i don’t think oprah is gay and soooo many people do. i tend to be suspicious of the whole, ‘they’re gay’ thing. but, now, my friend is married with two kids. yep, he could still be gay. sigh. but, i doubt it. lol. anyhoo, thanks for getting what i was trying to say. xo, sm

Your iFairy is fabulously fetching, moms. Happy Gay Day. I like to pretend like I’m in a movie when I listen to music sometimes and my skin is flawless and pore-less when they come in for my closeup. And I’m a better singer than Cristina Aguilera when when I pretend I’m a rock star.

Oh, and I’m TERRIFIED of speaking in front of groups. How do you do that?? Sorry it’s not more exciting that all the above but that’s all that comes to mind now.

ANOTHER ONE COMES OUT! fear of public speaking, flawless and gorgeous skin while waiting for her cinematic closeup…all, very, very, gay. you know in that my version way. loool. much love, briges, much love. sm

Happy Coming Out Day to you too, my friend. and i sort of loved that ‘gayer than monkeys on gas’ (ok, i shortened it, but you know) – and yes, i think i’m most probably that gay. and laughing all the way about it. after all, it does mean happy, now, doesn’t it? xoxoxoxo, sm

i tell the truth to my dog… :):P honestly….he knows me more than the people around me…i know funny but often when im really sad and i know i have to say it to feel better but i cant really talk about things with a friend i sit with him and speak… he on the other is always wondering why i wont let him get down from the bed and do anything but listen… :)
Sweet Mom i think people who come out are the bravest people on the planet…and awesome too..

When Husband starts talking about his website I completely tune out and nod my head to look like I’m listening. I love him and all, but I don’t care about his website. Ah, I feel so much better. Great post SM!!

My inlaws are here – right now. And I tune out as well. Can’t complain – they’re fixing the garden now and all. But OHMYGOD this is soooo boring.
Not a big coming-out thing but I’ve been doing my coming out for the last couple of months so my biggest secrets are out there already! xx

In the spirit of coming out, here’s mine: I don’t like kids—they are noisy, scary, and I feel, are totally not worth the pain. I don’t want to have any of my own, not for a really long time.
I wish you a happy coming-out day!

a coming out that a lot of women should do, me thinks. i think there are far more with that sentiment than anyone cares to admit! loool. thanks for coming crashing out of the closet here, ap. momma loves you for it! xo, sm

“I just turned to my dog and said, ‘I’m a lesbian'” cracked me up. I hope your dog didn’t immediately start licking itself because that would be disrespectful.
Oh and…sometimes I like to imagine that my husband has died and I get to unload all of the ugly furniture, books on conservative politics and gigantic t-shirt collection. I’d miss Hubs terribly, but not that stuff.

bwwwaaaahhhhaha, that would be disrespectful indeed. and the unloading of hubby’s stuff… i’m not sure he has to die for that to happen, you could just start getting ‘forgetful’. “hmmm, i don’t know where all the rush limbaugh books are…they must’ve fallen behind the couch…” but, really they’re in the back of your car on the way to the salvation army! loool. anyhoo, c u tonight! xoxo, sm

I once told all my friends “Colin Farrell is the greatest actor of our generation.” vehemently defending the statement to the point of fighting.
I don’t do ‘shots’ anymore, and they’ve never forgotten the statement.

I wish I could think of something sexy to come out about but I can’t. I’m lazy and don’t cut my toe nails enough so I always get holes in my socks but only a foot fetishist would find that interesting. Awesome post Mum. :)

i too came out to my dog this morning. they are the most unfeeling creatures about one’s gay/ straight sexuality. but, then again, i don’t give a shit about my dog’s gender either and when people get uptight about me calling her a he instead of a she, i say, “listen, i don’t want to feck the dog.” that usually quiets the room. or at least i hope it does. bwwwaahaahhahah

Can I borrow your iFairy? Because he seems very cool. Also, I will admit to having watched The Hebrew Hammer from start to finish, and laughing several times. But I don’t have anything sexy to out myself for. Except that back in the day I was a great wingman for gay chicks when we went out to bars.

Happy Coming Out Day! I am terrified of getting old and/or being forgotten, I love calves but am afraid of cows, I am afraid that people will read my books and discover that I’m a fraud and I am attracted to very young men.

I moved a while back and didn’t realize I didn’t re-register to vote until my roommate got his voting info thing and I didn’t. And now it’s too late. And I have a rule that you can’t complain unless you vote. I don’t think I can go 4 years w/o complaining if the worst happens. And I’m terrified it will.

I missed Coming Out day (I had to spend five hours trying to say something nice and constructive about some truly dismal essays). So I’m celebrating the Day After Coming Out day!!!! I just wish I could think of something cool to come out about.