Saturday, 22 August 2009

This is a story about a man. A Korean man. A true man. A true Korean man. Verily, a truly true Korean man is the one this story is about!

His name is Yang, a name that shall resound in the memories of proud Koreans for generations to come! For in the face of Korean men's golfing frustration, like David to that American Goliath, like Jerry to the oversized cat Tom, this man slew the great Red, White, and Blue beast Tiger Woods.For years now, male Korean golf fans were out in the cold, left to languish with Park Se-ri posters on our bedroom walls and bathroom doors: indeed, when I gazed at that poster, I mostly just had to think about Korea when I touched myself.

However, men like me are no longer in the cold: while Korean females have heroes like Seri Park and Michelle Wie and other stars we can claim are Korean, now, when I touch myself and think of Korean golf, my mind can fill with the glorious smile of Yang Yong-eun!

Golf is no longer relegated to the realm of activities for females, like cooking, cleaning, and bearing children, in the Korean mind. You see, our man Yang, who is a man, won a tournament called the Masters' Tournament, one of the most prestigious tournaments in the world: the Harvard University of Golf Tournaments, if you will, and with indomitable Korean will and spirit, he gazed the mixed-raced Tiger Woods in the eye, and as Dr. Hwang Woo-suk's chopstick skill led him to a Nobel Prize in science, Yang's pure han blood won out over the biracial Tiger.

For Korean men, Golf is no longer a woman's activity, or a pretense to go whoring in the Phillipines and act like dicks on their fairways: it is not a true pursuit of Korean superiority, and just as Park Se-ri's victory in the 1998 Women's Open, creditable to her admirable father, her skill with hands, and her irrepressible Kimchi-power and strong family values, rescued Korea from the clutches of the Asian Financial crisis caused by the evil IMF's intervention in Korean affairs, Yang's victory shall herald a rise in Korean prominence, to at least sixth in the world by 2012.

Yet not only should this win be heralded for the way Yang single-handedly handed Tiger Woods his club covers, metaphorically stripping his red winner's t-shirt and wiping his great han bottom with that color that once stood for assured victory, but now resembles a kimchi crap, it should also be remembered that, while Park Se-ri was aided by the guidance of her father, her strong family values, and her skill with hands, developed by learning to make Kimchi with her mother, Yang's victory was a totally individual accomplishment, for which all Koreans can share credit.

Like Korea, Yang pulled himself out of poverty through his only refuge, Golf, practicing late at night, working all hours with determination: yes, he knew it was succeed or die with golf. That survival instinct, pitted against Tiger's Killer instinct, caused the Tiger to flinch, and Yang simply thought of the shame his mother would feel around the sewing circle, if she had to justify a son who not only failed to attend Korea's top university, but also lost to Tiger Woods. Yes, as Korea struggled out of poverty, so did Yang, he overcame the Park Chung-hee dictatorship of exhaustion, the Chun Doo-hwan massacre of discouragement, the Financial Crisis of qualifying, and the regional rivalry strife of self-doubt, now with his Hallyu of victory, he enjoys world recognition at last.

Though the stereotype of Korean male golfers is that their drives are a little, um, shorter, than most American men's long balls, Yang has proven that the Korean wood drives just as far as Americans with their long drivers. Indeed, when it comes to holing out, Korean men shall henceforward be recognized as in no way inferior to the Americans and other races in capturing flags.

From here, forward, Korean golf will no longer just be a way for the monied elite to lord their cash over the dirty and poor, it will also be yet another reason for Koreans to proclaim the rise of their country, just as we defeated everyone until we lost in the World Cup, just as Park Seri defeats all opponents except when she loses, just as Yang is a destroyer of his foes, except when he isn't, Korea shall be known as the greatest country in the world, except when it isn't.

Friday, 21 August 2009

I Predict a Peaceful, Conflict Free Future with Japan, as soon as Japan Loses the War

As a scholar of East-Asian History, a graduate from the most objective and unbiased East-Asian History Program outside of the ultra-selective University of Pyongyang, it is my pleasure to contribute this piece of expert analysis to the gentle blog, Dokdo Is Ours.

It is well-known that in recent history, textbooks have become yet another battleground of conflict between the nationalists of China, of the Koreas, and also of Japan. We have seen those conflicts over disparate tellings of national histories stir up over Japanese Imperial actions in Nanking, as well as in the territorial conflicts over Dokdo, and in Japan's refusal to fully acknowledge the horrificousity of its colonial times and war crimes. Meanwhile, Korean comfort women are left out in the cold and the grandchildren of Japanese collaborators are still living on land coopted by the Japanese to reward traitors against the Korean master-race. However, it is my firm belief that these kinds of strife will not last forever. In fact, I will be so bold as to predict a coming golden age in East-Asian relationships, where Japan will apologize sincerely at last, and offer full reparations to all the countries it offended or damaged during its imperial reign of terror and rape, just as soon as it loses the war.

On the day when Korean forces truly, fully assert our ownership of Dokdo with the full strength of the Korean Military, when we strike out to crush the military power and the economic infrastructure and the civilian population of that rogue nation to the east, when Japan's rulers have surrendered, face-down on the floor of the Blue House, stricken with grief at the millions of baby-eating Jappo civilians lost in the great blitzkreig of Han Justice and Righteous Vengeance, it will signal the beginning of a great era of friendly and uplifting relations between all countries of East Asia.

When China looks across the soon-to-be-renamed Korean Sea Korea West of Korea, which will make a nice matching name with the Korean Sea Korea East of Korea, when they see the destruction we have wrought upon the hapless Chapanese (we plan to alter the spelling of THEIR country's name, too, by gum!), and when they, too, at last acknowledge Korean supremacy in all respects, when they surrender forever all claims on Baekdu Mountain and rename their capital New Seoul in honor of their superiors, and finally acknowledge that the Imperial Palace in Beijing might be bigger, but lacks harmony with nature, it will indeed herald a great peaceful age of mutually beneficial coexistence in East Asia, which shall be remembered for all time as a blossoming of cultural exchange, that is, people buying Korean products.

In my studies of history, I can say this with all the authority of a historian-analyst, that once Korea has won the war, finally, we will be at peace with our neighbors, both the dirty and the two-faced inferior races which have so long played the usurpers of Korea's rightful place of dominance in the East-Asian theater. Until this happens, there may be strife, yes, but we must think of these as growing pains, just as Japan will have to think of the loss of most of the population of Tokyo to Korean bombing as a growing pain, before it reaches true maturity as an enlightened East-Asion culture finally reaching its apex under the wise guidance of their Korean neighbors. Indeed, for the good of all in East-Asia, and for a peaceful and prosperous future, Korea must settle for nothing less than establishing itself as such a power: to fail to do so would be a shameful neglect of the responsibility that comes with being the master-race!

Monday, 17 August 2009

In a surprising move, Korea's minister of Education has opened channels of communication with ATEK, the Association for Teachers of English in Korea. "We were going to lay low for a while and try to build up some more membership and stuff before trying to make connections with these kinds of people," Bill Dontgoogleme, acting president of ATEK, said, "So we were shocked when this letter popped up in my inbox."

The content of the first letter?

"Do you know kimchi?"

"The Minister of Education is very concerned that we have a good experience in Korea. He ended his last letter -- which was a sweet invitation to 'have traditional Korean food - not too spicy! with my family, and I show you Korea culture!' with 'I hope you have good impression Korea."

The education minister was pleased, too, when ATEK's publicity manager, John NoSkeletons Doe replied. Minister Hwa Jung-shil reported, "The letter was a kind suggestion we meet... I got thirty minutes of English practice out of reading and rereading it! I wonder if they like kalbisal or dwaejikalbi more."

While they are close to setting a date to meet, they seem to have different agendas for the conversation. "ATEK's Vice President, Jenny Nowitchhuntthanks made a bulleted list of things I'd like to talk about with the Minister, including curriculum development flexibility from the Board of Education, visa portability, and more resources dedicated to regulating and cleaning up the hogwan industry, as well as plans of action to ensure that labor law is more strictly enforced, vis a vis completion bonuses, overtime pay, and promised working hours."

Meanwhile, Minister Hwa Jung-shil's agenda was somewhat simpler. "I plan to ask 'How about spicy food,' 'What's your impression of Korea' and 'You like Korean girls?' I hope we can be special English friends."

Wednesday, 5 August 2009

After being photographed with Bill Clinton, who, in the despot's words, is "Really fuc&ing famous," a starstruck Kim Jong-il released Euna Lee and Laura Ling, two U.S. Journalists who had been detained at the North Korean border.

While it is suspected that Mr. Clinton went personally to get the first chance at making a bid to the two women on a book deal, in order to help out a publisher friend of his, he declined to comment on any publishing connections, saying only that it was a pleasure to be able to help out. Asked about Clinton, Kim Jong-il himself remembered his presidency fondly: "Potato nose was nicer than the black one. Where's my cognac?"

The star-struck Kim pondered later, "You know, maybe the main reason I got into this tyrant thing in the first place was to meet famous people. I'm telling you right now, a photo of me sitting next to Jessica Alba, and I'd re-join the six-party talks for sure; and if she were wearing a see-through top, I'd dismantle my nuclear power plants on the spot. If she'd star in my next movie, Bulgasari II: Attack of the Giant Capitalist Pig Of Death With Gory Fangs of Free Enterprise That Is Eating The Ryugyeong Hotel, I'd turn food distribution in North Korea over to the U.N. and the free market."

Jessica Alba could not be reached for comment, but her agent sent this photo.

Meanwhile, after seeing Bill Clinton's persuasive charm at work, South Koreans are trying to convince him to visit Dokdo. "Everywhere he goes, from the intern lounge to Pyongyang, Bill gets what he wants. If we could just get him photographed holding a Korean Flag on Dokdo, I'm sure the dispute would be solved more definitively than these ancient maps...which are too fragile for carbon dating, so I can't let you test them and verify their age...could ever accomplish!"

Toward that end, the Korean Dokdo Institute is looking for American Journalists to kidnap and detain on the two islands. They are thinking of holding a UCC contest to choose their final kidnap victims.

"We look forward to a quick resolution to this dispute, now that we have the Power of Clinton on our side. Amen."

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It's Satire, Stupid

Sometimes, the best way to handle another culture is to laugh.
This blog is a satire. By reading this site, you acknowledge that you're smart enough to tell the difference between joking and honesty. If you are dumb enough to think these articles are the entirety of my actual opinions about Korea, or to think that anybody considers this blog an authoritative source on info about Korea, your permission to read this blog is revoked, due to your lack of a sense of humor. Go look at pictures of kimchi. They won't confuse you with uncertainty about what is true and what is a satirical facade. But maybe the kimchi was made in China.