again with the mp3
a couple of months ago, coming back from the dentist, i decided to do a bit of shopping. i only wanted a few bits, so i didn't bother with a trolley.as i was wandering down the aisles, Battle Stations by Winger started to blast out of my headphones. i fucking love that song. losing myself in the music and completely forgetting where i was, i started rocking the old air guitar hard.in the middle of Tesco.i really, REALLY hope nobody saw me.
(Smash MonkeyPedro's been watching raising arizona, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 19:03,
6 replies)

My cat once fell off the bird table,
he sometimes sits up there in an attempt to hunt incognito, despite it scaring away all the birds he's trying to catch. He swipes for a bird which was stupid enough to fly too close. He falls out the bird table. So when he hits the floor, he does a quite spectacular faceplant and rolls over. I'm sitting indoors looking at him through the window while having a cup of tea. He looks around quickly, as if making sure nobody saw his epic failure. Our eyes meet. His face slowly turns to an "oh crap" look. He slowly saunters towards the house, head down, disgraced.

Today I was speaking at a conference...
I was sorting out my notes at the back of the busy room and as I pulled my laptop out of my bag a handful of condoms fell out! Sealed and everything, don't worry, it's a long time since I used that particular bag but I don't know where I was going that day and why I thought I was gonna get lucky but I clearly didn't.

Luckily I swept them up back into the bag in one motion and to my relief crisis averted. There's not much talent at the Mobile Games Forum so it might have looked like I was trying to get ahead in the industry!

Being a twat at work
I work in the call centre of a software company. I got the job from a temping agency so I get a lower wage then the actual staff, and I'm generally swept under the rug, few rights and not invited to company events. I also get looked down on for this, any mistakes are quickly criticised yet good work goes un rewarded. The company takes it's self very seriously, making any negative comments about the company is quickly reported.

In short, it's all very serious and some people already see me as an outsider. If I was wise, I'd be on my best behaviour, suck up to the self important suits and keep the language clean. Sadly, I'm an immature prat who hangs around with outher young hoodlums. I found my self in the lift with one of the ragamuffins, who decided the funniest thing he could do was grab the hood of my coat and pull it over my face. I started to laugh and try to struggle free, flailing blindly. "Get off us ya cunt!" I shouted while kicking out, catching my mate right in the knee. He promptly fell to the floor crying out in pain while I burst into fits of laughter.

It was only then I remembered I was in a glass lift, in the cafeteria, at lunch time, packed with over 500 self important buissiness people who stared up in disbelief at our unprofessional behaviour.

where did that come from?
many years ago when i met my wife we spent the evening at a friends house getting horribly drunk and doing teh MASSIVE drugs*on the way home doing what all men do when drunk apart from make a fool of them selfs my middle leg decided to wanted to play and wifey was up for it as well . result!a few minutes of fumbling whilst drunkenly trying to pull her knickers down and trying to stay up right and not puke all over her it was decided by gravity that the best place would be lying down and then trying to get jiggly with it several minutes passed in what i thought was a damned good seeing to and after spreading my man fat all over her insides we some how managed to get upright and decent exactly as 2 policemen walked around the corner if i had been sober the chances of getting caught would hae been een higher .

so so glad that they didnt see us but not sure about the cctv camera i seemed to spend a lot of time looking our way

I know it's sad, but I do it all the time.
Put on an album, pick up a cat, and dance the cat around while singing the songs re-worded to be about the cat. 'The Guns of Brixton' scans very well in particular. No, the cats don't like it; no, I am not unmarried and in my sixties.
(louveciennes, Volvospotter, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 17:48,
10 replies)

Once received a blowjob on a bench.
Two thoughts at the time:1) Glad no one is about2) Yes, ooh yes, ooh, etc.

You will note that neither of these include the questions, 'Is that a CCTV camera pointing this way?' or 'I wonder who has access to that footage?'

I hope that I will never know.

EDIT: Yes I appreciate that this might be showing off about teh sexy time but I think it fits the QOTW doesn't it?
(number5has been fighting tramps and losing., Thu 27 Jan 2011, 17:48,
6 replies)

I was listening to a Dolly Parton song on the way to work this morning and it made me do a little cry.

I regularly sing and dance in my room...
Luckily no-one's caught me so far, only a matter of time though...
(MaccyDivided by 0 on, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 16:49,
Reply)

just the other day
walking over the hill to my mum's house, listening to my mp3 and really not paying attention to anythig around me.managed to trip myself up with my own umbrella(big golf umbrella) and end up sprawling on the floor, my nose an inch away from a MASSIVE dog turd :(
(Smash MonkeyPedro's been watching raising arizona, Thu 27 Jan 2011, 16:49,
9 replies)

the world of funny
Doing stand-up comedy means sometimes you get to go to comedy death. I neither find this stupid or embarrassing (people watching might).However, the worst gig so far was in front of 3 people and I was the headline act. In a room of 100 getting a 1/3 of the people to laugh act a joke still makes a decent amount of spread out noise, so it doesnít look bad. Getting one of out three people to laugh only gets them looked at, which most people donít want to repeat so they sit in silence. This is made worse when it's a couple. The guy will look at the girlís response for a split second to check if itís ok to laugh. (weak git)

The best part is only 3 people and a few other acts saw it. The advantage of a small room I guess.

I got away with is and no one was really watching.
(waxdarthello., Thu 27 Jan 2011, 16:14,
Reply)

Counting down in public
When I lived in Jerusalem, I used to take the bus everywhere - something you can't easily do in Saffaland.

Normally, I'd travel with my headphones firmly screwed into my lugs in order to get a bit of peace before starting the day job (running youth groups for 12-year-old protomarxists). On one occasion, Europe's hit "The Final Countdown" popped up on my iPod's shuffle doodah. This is my favourite party song, to my eternal shame.

It was 6.30AM and my brain was in blinky-light, glass-is-half-empty mode. As the first bars of the song came through, my eyes closed, my legs unfolded and my arms raised into the "drunken white boy airguitar" posture.

Then the vocals started and I was off. Gyrating like a fucked washing machine, I played the jesus out of that air guitar. I swear, I was channeling Freddie Mercury and Joey Tempest at the same time.

"This is great," I thought, "these people love me, I just made their lives better".

Grinning, I opened my eyes and looked around, thinking I'd see a sea (ha ha) of happy faces. Instead, I was met with shock, horror and the unmistakable sound of old Russian immigrants grumbling.

It was then that I realised I'd been tunelessly yelling a song that no one understood, and I couldn't hear them trying to shut me up, owing to in-ear headphones and my eyes being shit (and shut).

Dogs! Running! Lamposts! Pain! Thanks Disasterprone!
When I was growing up, I had a dog. It was the best dog in the world. She was a border collie, called Jess. No originality points for naming her, I guess.

Jess the Wonderdog (TM), now since sadly deceased, liked to run around like a lunatic after anything that moved. And I, as a growing young man with lots of energy, liked to chase after her. Trouble was, I wasn't the best at looking where I was going.

One day, whilst happily engrossed in our usual chasing activities, my pursuit was brought up short. Picture, if you will, the scene. Happy boy, happy dog. Happy boy not looking where he is going. As a result, I didn't see my impending lamp-post shaped harbinger of doom until it was too late.

One minute, I was happily chasing after my dog. The next, all I was aware of was a SPANG!! noise, a jangling lamp-post that I'm sure was laughing at me, and a very concerned dog licking my face. I'd been spanged in the face, body and quite a bit of leg by a lamp-post. The fact that no-one was around to see this made me happy enough. But what makes me happiest of all, is that no-one saw me comedy-splat into my light-bringing doom-giver with both arms and and a leg out in front of me, like some gangly cartoon-character, slide slowly down the attacking lamp-post, muttering "Ow" in a now very small voice.
(jim_bobcan herd cats., Thu 27 Jan 2011, 16:07,
Reply)

I WASN'T glad no one saw me actually...
...because after dancing around my room naked and jumping into the wardrobe to swing on the rail, stupid as indeed it was, I had a very miserable, boring hour until my Dad came in from cleaning the car and asked me why the hell I was naked, crying, and stuck under a wardrobe.

oh, the usual....
Sat in a traffic jam on the M11, with the radio on. Singing "I'm horny, horny horny horny" and then realisind what I was singing.Turned thought I'd got away with it in the next lane to look up and see several Squaddies on an Army transport truck pissing themselves laughing.