Monday, November 28, 2011

My friend, Kirbie, sent me this little quote via Facebook today (I know, I know, I spend too much time there... meh... it's my version of TV since I don't have one):

"If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. So don't bother reserving a space in your heart (& mind) for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay."

And, well, it got me thinking about how I've let these duds of the past (I mean dudes... I mean boys... I mean men... ah, whatever) occupy too much space in my heart and/or mind. Obviously, CLEARLY, none of them deserves the mental and emotional attention that I give them because if they did, they'd be prominent features in my life.

Time to serve eviction notices to my mind and heart... there are some unwanted inhabitants there. The notice (if I actually had one to write up) would look like this:

Dear _________________,

You have overstayed your welcome in Angela's _________________ (heart, mind, both). You are kindly asked to pack your bags (and, oh, the baggage of some of you) and vacate the premises immediately. Thanks for entering when invited and thanks even more for leaving now. Do not let the door bang you in the ass on the way out! Safe travels to the next _____________ (heart, mind, both) that you occupy and better luck finding a permanent home. This _________________ (heart, mind, both) need a thorough cleaning and this cannot be done with you present... I'm sure you understand. Toodles!

Sincerely,

Angela's _______________ (heart, mind, both) management team.

*sigh* It even feels cleansing to write that. I think I may just have to write these up physically, fill in the duds' (you know what I mean) names on the slips and then find a way to burn them or something. Good riddance to bad rubbish (although I am still confused and a little conflicted about Mr. Not-So-Turk Turk).

Or I could just call them duds because that's what they turn out to be. This may make me the dumb one (probably does), but I tend to date the same guy over and over. I know I've written about this before but it still boggles my mind and I'm trying to sort out how I find them, why I date them and, most importantly, how to break this pattern in my life. Let me tell you about some of the guys I've dated in the past couple of years and perhaps YOU can find the pattern and help me out. These are in no particular order... just a random sampling from the past couple of years.

#1. The Ex-Jock. He played football in college and was meant to be going somewhere with it when injury struck and changed his trajectory in life. Instead he worked with insurance and traveled a lot. He was cocky, super confident, a little old fashioned in treating women in the sense that he liked to open doors etc. He talked a lot about himself and sent very confusing and conflicting messages where our "relationship" was concerned. He stood me up once, begged a second chance (and got it) and then began the game of cat and mouse where communication was concerned.

#2. The Turk. He is also a teacher and a general, all-round nice guy. He was a little younger but liked to make sure that I was aware that he thought I was beautiful and attractive. He liked to Skype (he lives in a different town than me, so that was just hard to begin with), but would disappear for weeks on end and then reappear and want to converse a lot. He was inconsistent in everything.

#3. The Not-So-Turk Turk. He was raised in the US but holds the values of both countries. He's confusing at the best of times because he started out by taking the lead and saying that we were seeing each other etc. He was generous with his time and was fairly consistent in communication and then sort of disappeared. He had valid excuse but just continued to be more and more inconsistent with communication. I'd actually really like to still be dating but am not sure how to go about having that conversation as the end of dating conversation never happened either...

#4. The Current Jock. He's a pro playing sport here in Turkey and is gentle, kind and sweet when we spend time together. He started out pursuing me and convincing me that he was interested in the long haul. Suddenly he can't be bothered to send a text message or to apologize for standing me up at a staff event recently.

#5. DJ Dud. This guy was considerably younger than me and a DJ for a local radio station. Gorgeous and a charmer for sure but self absorbed (as you should be at his age, I suppose) and more immature than he liked to admit. Once he stomped off when we had a conversation that he didn't like.

So there you go... just a sampling of the gold that I get to weed through in my life. For my Christian readers, I think 2 of them were Christian (the Ex-Jock loves to write on his facebook about how Christian he is... but with how he treated me, I have my doubts).

I know that I need to evaluate how I present myself and how I react to the attentions of these men who pop into my life and want to try dating. I don't need to date or become involved with every attractive guy who showers me with attention for a day or two but I really would like to know what the pattern is with the guys I pick and how I can break it. All advice is welcome!!!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Thank goodness for Facebook sometimes. I know, it's a giant brain drain, but I love how it keeps me connected with the people I love.

Tonight it opened me up to myself and let me reflect on a time in my life where I let myself (and did to myself) be treated horribly. Some of you faithful longtime readers might remember when I was living in Virginia in the US and was healing from the break-up that spawned this blog. You may even recall me dating a guy (W) for a while.

Well, confession time, I visit his profile on FB from time to time to see how he is doing (good, bad or ugly, I always hope and wish that my exes are well and happy and I hope that they wish the same for me). So I was there, looking at all his fancy updates on love and being godly and forgiving etc and I was thinking myself a fool to let this guy out of my life (yes, yes, I am THAT gullible and stupid... and yes, I tend to see the past through rose coloured glasses with too much forgiveness). I clicked the message button so that I could wish him a happy Thanksgiving (this weekend in the US) and a great upcoming birthday as a way to reconnect a dead friendship.

Well, FB now saves all your past messages and displays them when you try to send a new one. So I began to scroll up to the beginning of our messages (I should say mine since most of them were desperate attempts to get this jackass to like me or to return calls etc). I read them all and saw the desperate, lonely, respectless girl I was at that time and I also noticed what an asshat he was and how FALSE he was.

WOW!! THANK YOU FACEBOOK for being a light into the true nature of that guy (self-involved, cocky, rude, respectless, using, unkind, self-important egoist) that I didn't see because I couldn't see past my own sad neediness at the time. I needed to see how DESPERATE I was back then so that I can hopefully move past that and stop repeating that mistake in my life. *phew* Glad that FB saved those messages so that well over a year later I can see them with clearer vision and understanding and to save myself from even trying to befriend that guy again...

And, guess what? NO APOLOGIES... I stand by every word that I type here, whether he reads them or not. In almost every past message to him, I apologised for being myself, for having feelings, for having expectations.... and I spent oodles of space and characters giving him props on being a godly man, good father, friend and person... which clearly he was not.