Let’s get you up to speed. There’s this weekly newspaper that is distributed to comic book shops and this week’s issue features the Reader Red K Awards, where the editors printed – without comment – some “awards” submitted by comics fans. I’m going to make fun of them.

Yeah, not that there’s ANY OTHER FACTORS in this brilliant comparison. No, it’s just pure Stan-and-Jack magic! Gaw, if only Big Comics would just get back to basics (“basics” defined as the specific thing(s) I preferred when I was 12) then comics wouldn’t be the dying, unloved, disrespected media that it is today!

Where does this guy live that every Marvel book includes a free digital copy? I agree, that’s how it should be done, but that ain’t how anybody is doing it.

That’s not going to go over well with the comics punditry. I get that Moore is a weirdo crank, but a “fit of pique”? Like, he wrote some of the most amazing stuff for DC back in the day (NOT just Watchmen, of course) and because he’s a stubborn old goat he abandoned the characters he loved after DC screwed him over with legal wordplay. DC’s short-sighted lawyering robbed us of a leading light in comics.

I also love when folks want to compliment something (“EXCEPTIONAL!”) but still feel the need to rattle off the faults so you don’t call them on them later. And those are pretty AMAZINGLY HUGE faults, by the way.

Comics fans veer uncontrollably from “Give us something new and different already, maybe we can expand the audience if we expand the content!” to “Quit changing things for the sake of change, just do it the way they did it in 1963 forever!”

Like DC ought to be strung up for maybe perhaps trying to tell a cool story where Lois Lane and Clark Kent find love after going through X, Y and Z first. Nope, it’s taking too long, says this fan. Reboot the books to exactly as I want them pls.

Oh fuck you.

If you at all ever for a second think that Peter Goddamn Parker is actually forever never coming back dead, you’re an idiot who has likely never read a single comic book ever. I don’t read Spider-Man, but from what I understand, Peter came back in the very next issue, for fuck’s sake. I hope this asshole feels like a character-assassinating jerk (and I mean the *real* kind) for jumping off the cliff after reading ONE BOOK.

Hell, he probably didn’t even read it, just saw a headline fly across his Google Reader feed (too soon?)

Nerds. After lambasting Hunger Games from top to bottom for being a Battle Royale rip-off (as if that means anything), they lovingly accept Marvel’s Avengers Arena series about super-powered teens dumped into a brutal, elimination-by-death Most Dangerous Game competition. And Marvel even goes so far as to completely steal Battle Royale’s circular logo design, plus they did ads with the characters arranged exactly like the b&w Battle Royale school photo! Unbelievable.

But hey, Hunger Games showed up with a massive, eager female fan base, so it must be stupid and unoriginal and Twilighty. Not super cool and sweet like everything Marvel does!