]]>https://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/07/12/invitation-to-view-photos-from-all-photographs/feed/0sairydToxic Peoplehttps://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/04/21/toxic-people/
https://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/04/21/toxic-people/#respondFri, 21 Apr 2017 13:12:31 +0000http://sairyd.wordpress.com/?p=276“Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right the right people for us. And as hard as it is, we have to let them go.

Life is hard enough without being around people who bring you down, and as much as you care, you can’t destroy yourself for the sake of someone else. You have to make yourself a priority. Whether that means breaking up with someone you care about, loving a family member from a distance, letting go of a friend , or removing yourself from a situation that feels painful – you have every right to leave and create a safer space for yourself.”

‘Face everything and rise’

“A comfort place is a beautiful thing, but nothing ever grows there”.

Anxiety can be crippling. It has can hold us back from the big things and the little things in our life. It is natural everyone suffers from some anxiety in their lives, if you are in a stressful situation or worried about something. However chronic anxiety is when this starts to enter every part of your life. From the moment, you wake up until the moment you sleep.

I first experienced crippling anxiety when I had a bad experience on a missionary trip to Africa. Although perfectly innocent it was my first trip so far from home in a totally different surrounding. I had suffered no anxiety or nerves leading up to this trip, but after arriving in Namibia my friends who I was with got directed to the exit in the airport and I was diverted to a tiny room unable to alert them. There security guards in rubber gloves made me open my case and went through my entire belongings I had on me. Although they obviously did these as random checks to many people and I was allowed, to go straight after, something in my head exploded. I felt in great danger. I was very homesick the few weeks I was away and was absolutely convinced I would not make it home. Either someone would plant something in my case and set me up. The paranoia was intense. It made me sick, I got ill, and lost lots of weight. Of course, I made it home and thought great I am safe.

But this anxiety followed to me. It kept me awake at night, exhausted me. Something terrible was going to happen. I went from a confident outgoing person to a crippling mess. If I drove I was convinced I had hit someone, or hurt them. In my job, I was worried what I was feeling would end up in the letters I typed, that I would make a grave error. It led to catastrophic thinking in thinking the worst that could happen in any situation. In 2010, 4 years since I had travelled I had the opportunity to go to Florida and decided to take it. I was with two of my sisters and two friends. I was nervous about going but as soon as I arrived I knew it was a mistake. Panic set in, I felt trapped like I couldn’t’ breathe. I was on the holiday of a lifetime year every part was torture to me.

I knew something had to change. I felt I had no quality of life. I had lost all my confidence and became deeply depressed. To be blunt life didn’t feel worth living and the thought of ending it all seemed very appealing. A way out from the permanent darkness I was in.

“Anxiety is the most silently painful experience. It makes no sense and you sit there alone and suffer for an unknown reason. You can’t explain it. You can’t stop it. It’s horrible”.

After visiting the GP who was very understanding, he set me up to have six sessions of CBT. I felt quite sceptical that NOTHING or NO ONE could ever help me live a ‘normal’ anxiety-free life. It was the best decision I ever made. To sit and talk to someone and literally spill out all the scariest thoughts that I had built up and know I wouldn’t be judged was such a relief, to untangle the wires in my brain that had become so tied up, so many knots. I learnt anxiety is simply just fear. My brain giving me the wrong signals. I had got used to thinking this way all the time.

I set myself goals including going on a cruise for a week and for the first time in a long time I felt I enjoyed it. I then changed jobs as my currently job was not helping my mental health and situation.

“Fear… is born of a story we tell ourselves, and so I chose to tell myself a different story … I decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brace”.

I am not saying I don’t ever suffer from, or get anxiety at all. It is always there but I now have a good quality of life. I can generally talk sense into myself when it gets too much although there have been times since I have had moments of relapses. I never thought I would get up day-to-day and not feel crippled the moment I started my day.

There are many people out there suffering anxiety right now and not living a good quality of life, unable to reach their potential. I would strongly recommend CBT. I have also learnt that anxiety is a liar.

When we avoid situations, we are confirming in our mind that our anxiety is true. It is small steps. However, in order to conquer our fears, we have to face them. I don’t know what your situation may be, there are so many different things that affect us as individuals. I still really dislike travelling, I really don’t like it however I do it, it’s not necessarily an enjoyment but I will never recover or put my anxiety to bed unless I push myself.

“You gain strength, courage & confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along. You must do the thing you think you cannot do”. – Eleanor Roosevelt

“Some day your pain will become the source of your strength. Face it. Brave it. YOU WILL MAKE IT”.

]]>https://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/04/19/f-e-a-r-face-everything-and-rise/feed/0Beat-fear-and-anxiety-hypnosis-MP3sairydFEARMeditation & Mental Healthhttps://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/04/05/meditation-mental-health/
https://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/04/05/meditation-mental-health/#respondWed, 05 Apr 2017 15:08:21 +0000http://sairyd.wordpress.com/?p=254Yoga is not only used as exercise but has also been known to have a large positive impact on mental health wellbeing because of its calming, relaxing techniques and sense of community. It can help restore mind and body harmony.

Different poses in yoga can help different parts of the body with its focuses on breathing, physical and mental ability. Many people have been helped through depression, stress and anxiety because of the positive benefits of yoga.

When a person suffers from depression some of the common symptoms are lack of sleep so you feel tired a lot of the time, difficulty in concentration, negative thoughts and irritable. This can also then make you feel extremely stressed, uptight and tense, the depression and stress could then make a person feel anxious. Life can feel out of control causing fear and panic.

Yoga has both physical and mental disciplines. So much can happen in people’s lives throughout a day whether it is caring for family, health issues, and work stress. Yoga disciplines people to take time out, instead of thinking and worrying all the time. Dealing with depression, stress or anxiety can put your body under so much strain alone. Thinking constantly and worrying about situations before they occur, erratic breathing, feelings of tiredness and hopelessness, life these days can feel like you are on a rollercoaster that goes round constantly with no time to stop and think. This is where yoga can really work, by taking from 5 minutes as and when you get time up to over an hour a day depending on a person’s time and routine helps you to stop and solely focus.

One of the big things yoga concentrates on is breathing. It helps calm and focus the mind giving relief. If you are feeling very anxious usually your breathing will be quite erratic. Yoga will help regulate breathing and regulate tension by using various postures. One popular posture used is sitting down on the floor or lying flat, letting your body relax and take deep breaths through the nose, breathing slowly and deeply brings oxygen to the lowest part of your lungs and exercises your diaphragm. The yoga breathing teaches us to breathe through the nose, to lengthen our exhalation, increasing our physical and mental health. By concentrating solely on your breath as you inhale and exhale you learn to focus on the breathing and relax rather than on the feelings of anxiety and stress. Breathing exercises are something that can be practised anywhere, so if stress at work was a factor it can even be practised sitting in an office chair.

When a person is stressed some of the symptoms can be a faster heartbeat, increased blood pressure, difficulty relaxing and focusing the mind, headaches and tense muscles. Some episodes of the stress and the symptoms can then cause anxiety and depression. Yoga helps decrease physiological arousal – that’s the heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration. In order to change exaggerated stress response it is necessary to become familiar with relaxation. Yoga practice provides the time and space to experience the sensations of the body, and to interpret them. Is the breath short, are the muscles tense?

By learning to relax in yoga this reduces production of stress hormone cortisol and improves the ability to manage stressful situations as well as other benefits which can come along with stress, anxiety and depression such as, greater energy and focus, improved muscle tone and cardiovascular health. Greater levels of happiness, self-confidence and an increase in job satisfaction.

Everyone suffers from anxiety at one point or another in their life but chronic anxiety can have quite an impact on the body after a while. When people have a lot of anxiety and do not exercise this causes tense muscles, constricted breathing and the mind never rests because of all the thoughts and feelings that come along with it. Yoga with music is great for anxiety, playing music that a person enjoys and finds particularly relaxing helps sooth the body. People with anxiety can try to keep busy to escape what they are feeling and thinking but it has been said that yoga helps the body to access an inner strength. This can help face the overwhelming thoughts, fears and frustrations of everyday life. By practising the exercises that yoga recommends daily this causes the body to release tensions from the large muscle groups and increase feelings of well-being, and encourage the body to breathe deeply.

In his book The Science of Yoga, writer William Broad assesses yoga’s ability to improve our mental health. He said:

*“The portrait that emerges from the decades of mood and metabolic studies is of a discipline that succeeds brilliants at smoothing the ups and downs of emotional life. It uses relaxation, breathing and postures to bring about an environment of inner bending and stretching. The current evidence seems to suggest that yoga can reduce despair and hopelessness to the point of saving lives”.* – The Science of Yoga, The risks & rewards by William J Broad – Page 87

]]>https://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/04/05/meditation-mental-health/feed/0yoga-625_625x350_61442304538[1]sairydInternational Women’s Dayhttps://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/03/08/international-womens-day/
https://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/03/08/international-womens-day/#respondWed, 08 Mar 2017 11:44:07 +0000http://sairyd.wordpress.com/?p=245Today is a celebration for women all around the world, Ladies who’ve dared to dream big, ever since they were little girls. For the diversity and talent that lie within a feminine heart, For the courage and determination that prevents us falling apart.

We can raise families and build businesses and be proud of all we’ve achieved Where once over, visions of that scale, could never have been believed. Ladies, stand up and be counted, smile at how far we have come And Cherish every single day, as daughter, wife, companions or mum.

Don’t let anybody tell you that there are set paths for you to follow As a little girl with a passion, is an inspiring woman of tomorrow. So celebrate all women, and acknowledge the great things they do And tell a lady close to your heart, just how much she means to you.

]]>https://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/03/08/international-womens-day/feed/0about-iwdsairydUnbrokenhttps://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/03/07/unbroken/
https://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/03/07/unbroken/#commentsTue, 07 Mar 2017 14:43:07 +0000http://sairyd.wordpress.com/?p=234I absolutely love this motivational video my Mateusz M. When I am feeling tired and weary I listen to this and it gives me hope. If you need inspiration and motivation watch this video. I have also written the words because sometimes it’s really great to just read things as well to help spur us on. Enjoy.You cannot connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards, so you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something, your gut, destiny, life whatever, because believing that the dots will connect down the road will give you the confidence to follow your heart even when it leads off the well-worn path and that will make all the difference. Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life, don’t be trapped by dogma, which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others opinions drown out your own inner voice. You’ve got to find what you love and that is as true for work as it is for your love life. Your work is going to fill a large part of your life and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work and the only way to do great work is to love what you do. If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking and don’t settle. Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow truly know what you want to become.

You’re gonna have some ups and you’re gonna have some downs. Most people give up on themselves easily. You know the human spirit is powerful. There is nothing this powerful. It is hard to kill the human spirit. Anyone can feel good when they have their health, their bills paid, they have happy relationships, anyone can be positive then, anyone can have a larger vision then, anyone can have faith under those types of circumstances. The real challenge of growth mentally, emotionally and spiritually comes when you get knocked down. It takes courage to act, part of being hungry when you’ve been defeated. It takes courage to start over again.

Fear kills dreams, fear kills hope, fear put people in the hospital, fear can age you. It can hold you back from doing something that you know within yourself that you are capable of doing, but it will paralyze you, at the end of your feelings is nothing but at the end of every principle is a promise. Some of you in your life the reason you are not at your goal right now is all a bunch of feelings. You are all on your feelings, you don’t feel like waking up, who does?! Every day you say no to your dreams you might be pushing your dreams back a whole six months, a whole year, that one single day, that one day you didn’t get up, could have pushed yourself back I don’t know how long.

Don’t allow your emotions to control you, we are emotional but you want to be able to discipline your emotions. If you don’t discipline and contain your emotions, they will use you. You want it and you’re gonna go all out to have it. I tell ya it’s not going to be easy. When you want to change it’s not easy. If it were in fact easy everybody would do it, but if your serious you’ll go all out. I’m in control here. I’m not gonna let this get me now, I’m not gonna let this destroy me, I’m coming back and I’ll be stronger and better because of it. You have got to make a declaration that this is what you stand for. You’re standing up for your dreams, you’re standing up for peace of mind, you’re standing up for health. You’re taking responsibility for your life. Accept where you are and the responsibility that you’re gonna take yourself where you want to go. You can decide to live each day as if it were my last. Live your life with passion, with some drive, desire that you’re going to push yourself. The last chapter to your life has not been written yet and it doesn’t matter about what happened yesterday. It doesn’t matter what happens to you, it matters, what are you going to do about it. This year I will make this goal become a reality. I won’t’ talk about it anymore.

I CAN I CAN I CAN!!!

]]>https://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/03/07/unbroken/feed/167e95490829eed8f9b0135cc9d5dc5c3sairydWhy we must stand togetherhttps://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/01/31/why-we-must-stand-together/
https://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/01/31/why-we-must-stand-together/#respondTue, 31 Jan 2017 15:34:25 +0000http://sairyd.wordpress.com/?p=176“Remember it didn’t start with gas chambers. It started with politicians dividing the people with ‘us vs them’. It started with intolerance and hate speech and when people stopped caring, became desensitized and turned a blind eye”.

I think majority of people across the world must be shocked by the actions of the new President Donald Trump. He has wasted no time in what he said he was going to do, building a wall, banning certain Islamic countries from entering the US. I feel we have gone back to the dark ages, and it brings a deep sadness. Just as we have marked Holocaust Memorial Day, where millions across the globe mark this day. We stand and say ‘never again’. But here before our very eyes we have a man who is supposed to be a leader spreading racial hatred.

Trump seems to think that Muslims make up the majority of terrorists in the United States, however research shows otherwise. “According to the FBI 94% of terrorist attacks are carried out in the United States from 1980 to 2005 have been by non-Muslims. This means that an American terrorist suspect is over nine times more likely to be a non-Muslim than a Muslim.

I’d say there are many more attacks and massacres through gun violence than worrying about Muslims and terrorism.

“In Obama’s eight years in office, he formally addressed the nation on the subject of gun violence 25 times: on average ever 112 days but in 2015 he made statements regarding gun violence roughly every 36 days. However for every one American killed by an act of terror in the United States or abroad in 2014, more than 1,049 died because of guns. Also the number of US citizens killed overseas as a result of incidents of terrorism from 2001 to 2014 was 369”.

With the statistics above maybe Trump should focus on the real terror of the modern culture in the US – GUNS, rather than discriminating against innocent people. People who have worked hard for a number of year’s and brought a lot of skills now deported.

Surprisingly out of the number of countries he has ordered this ban on, he has failed to make this apply to the nationalities of those who carried out the 9/11 attacks, such as Saudi Arabia, United Arab Emirates and Egypt which seems very odd.

Elie Wiesel a Holocaust survivor put’s it perfectly with this quote:

“There may be times, when we are powerless to prevent injustice. But there must NEVER be a time when we fail to protest”.

Whether we are black, white, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Straight, Gay, Bisexual. We should be able to accept one another rather than stereotyping one another. As Jackie Robinson once said:

“I’m not concerned with your liking or disliking of me… All I ask is that you respect me as a human being”.

Only time will tell where Trump will go next or what effect this ban will have but whatever happens those against these actions, in whatever country you may be, we must stand together, to those suffering as consequence of this executive order please know you are wanted, you are valuable and your rights and your lives matter and finally as Martin Luther King, JR once said:

“One has moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws”.

]]>https://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/01/31/why-we-must-stand-together/feed/0wp-1485892223709.jpgsairydHolocaust Memorial Day 2017https://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/01/27/holocaust-memorial-day-2017/
https://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/01/27/holocaust-memorial-day-2017/#respondFri, 27 Jan 2017 16:38:19 +0000http://sairyd.wordpress.com/?p=125Holocaust Memorial Day always has a special place in my heart.

My mum was brought up in the Jewish faith, therefore my grandparents, aunt, uncles, cousins are Jewish. Although my mum married a non-Jewish man and in fact became a Christian many years ago and now attends church regularly. I have always had the privilege of learning and experiencing the Jewish faith. My Grandad was Polish. He thankfully managed to escape the holocaust, eventually starting a new life in London. Unfortunately his family were not so lucky. He would never speak about what happened, I guess the emotions were too raw as well as the heavy burden of feeling guilty that he survived and his family didn’t.

This year’s theme for Holocaust Memorial Day is ‘How Does Life Go On’ and it is something that makes me think. How does a person carry on?! People who witnessed people being murdered, starved and tortured, as well as the suffering they also suffered themselves. How do people overcome their family members, mother’s, father’s, siblings, children being murdered in such a ruthless evil abhorrent way.

I have always had such huge respect for survival victims of Genocides, despite the evil and unimaginable horror how people manage to go on and bring awareness and change despite knowing evil at its worst. How do you begin to forgive the perpetrators? Does justice ever bring closure? We are lucky to still have survivors of the Holocaust and other victims of genocide to bring their stories, to keep people’s memories alive. But even when we no longer have survivors alive to tell their stories, we still need to remember.

“For the dead and the living, we must bear witness. For not only are we responsible for the memories of the dead, we are also responsible for what we are doing with those memories”. – Elie Wiesel But it is not just about the past. What do we do about the future. How do we stand up when we see something happening that is so wrong. We look at places like Syria right now, evil of humanity at it’s worse just like the holocaust, except it is happening, even as I write this. We are fortunate enough with technology in the modern age not to have the excuse of being unaware of the suffering taking place. It is in the news, on social media. I am not sure of all the answers, but we can support those out there fighting by supporting charities that help, or support those rescuing people who have lost everything, not everyone can give money but many organisations are desperate for clothing and supplies. We can and need to show kindness and compassion to those grieving. We should treat people how we want to be treated.

“There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must NEVER be a time when we fail to protest”. – Elie Wiesel.

I finish with this poem.

Though we did not witness their suffering And though we did not bring about their deaths It does not lesson the guilt that we feel For those more than six million dead

Such numbers we can not imagine And the atrocities, we did not see But that does not lessen the tragedy Of possibly the lowest point of humanity

We cannot forget what they went through All that suffering without cause All they did was hold on to what they believed in Nothing against moral or criminal laws

But hope, That was not forgotten Even as they were lead to their final rest And it is this hope that we should look back on Not just the way they were so cruelly oppressed

And it may be hard to understand Such horror caused purely by mankind Yet, in order to prevent repeat We must ensure that we keep the memory alive

So think back to the days of the Holocaust And those who lost their precious lives And know that we cannot let them ever be forgotten So that in our minds, their unfailing hope survives

]]>https://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/01/27/holocaust-memorial-day-2017/feed/0hmdrevfinal_englishsairydLearning to let gohttps://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/01/24/learning-to-let-go/
https://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/01/24/learning-to-let-go/#respondTue, 24 Jan 2017 12:35:33 +0000http://sairyd.wordpress.com/?p=113“Letting go is the toughest thing to do in life, but sometimes it can turn out to be the best thing you’ve ever done”.

We have many people come in to our lives throughout our lifetime. They say some come for a season and some come for a lifetime. The ones that come for a season, may be someone we meet at work or somewhere else along the way and there are times you think no matter what that person will always be in your life. Then you leave that place of work or something else happens and the friendship slowly dwindles and this can be tough. A person who you shared so much with and really helped is no longer there but slowly in time you cherish the memories and you remember that maybe that person was there at that moment and either you helped them or they helped you but that season has now come to an end.

“If someone comes into your life and has a positive impact on you, be thankful that your paths crossed. And even if they cannot stay for some reason, be thankful that they somehow made you happy, even it was just for a short while”.

Then there are those you have known a very long time, decades even and there have been many highs and lows, but over time you change, and as you grow, you either grow closer or you grow apart and again this can be tough. I have a friend who I have known over 20 years now. We met in Primary School, we went to different colleges, different sixth forms but we always stayed friends. We have been through a lot individually, many highs and many lows. We have both suffered in different ways but we have always stuck together and I have no doubt that when we are old we will still be friends.

“Everyone has a friend during each stage of life. But only lucky one have the same friend in all stages of life”.

But what happens if a person in life turns destructive??? At first you worry, you are there and you run after them every time there is another blip, then there is another blip and another blip. And then a person really starts to cause a lot of hurt. Unfortunately, in the past couple of years I have learnt the hard way, yes it can be tough. And then there are two types of people, the people who apologise but repetitively continue in their ways or there is the other type who continually cause hurt but do not see fault at all and persistently put the blame on everyone else but themselves. And the question is how long do you go on continually making excuses for that person. Oh, they are going through a hard time, or maybe this time they really are sorry. Unfortunately, the apologies you don’t get build up and resentment builds.

“I never knew how strong I was, until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry and accept an apology I never received”.

What relationship are you clinging to today that is having a negative effect on your life? Is there someone today you must stand up and simply say no, I am not putting up with this anymore. It’s a tough thing to do but trust me you will feel so much better.

Someone once said to me if you were in a relationship with someone would you put up the pain and hurt that is being caused. I answered “no”. They said well why is a “friendship” any different.

“It is not easy to detach from people you have had close ties with, but sometimes it is necessary in order, to restore your sanity. Your mind. Peace”.

It is natural to feel a lot of emotions when you have to detach someone from your life. Guilt, anger, frustration. But in time you learn to heal, you learn to forgive because you there is no longer that negativity in your life and sadly one day when the person opens their eyes and realises what they have lost, it is too late because life moves on and there is no need to feel guilty for not wanting to go back to the past.

There is a great quote that goes:

“In life you will realise there is a role for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you. Some will love you , some will teach you. But the ones who are truly important will bring out the best in you. They are the rare and amazing people who remind you why it is worth it”

People inspire you or they drain you, choose wisely.

]]>https://sairyd.wordpress.com/2017/01/24/learning-to-let-go/feed/0letting-gosairydA Battle with the Black Doghttps://sairyd.wordpress.com/2016/07/26/a-battle-with-the-black-dog/
https://sairyd.wordpress.com/2016/07/26/a-battle-with-the-black-dog/#commentsTue, 26 Jul 2016 11:08:13 +0000http://sairyd.wordpress.com/?p=107A lot of people would have heard of the term or seen the video called ‘I had a black dog, his name was depression’ where writer and illustrator tells the story of overcoming ‘The Black Dog of Depression’.

The Black Dog Campaign reduces the stigma surrounding mental illness and encourages people to seek help early, rather than suffering in silence.

The campaign aims are:

Reduce stigma, prejudice and exclusion

Encourage more people to seek help

Educate members of the public – #StopStigma

Take mental health into schools, colleges and the workplace

Change perceptions of mental illness

Demonstrate the importance of research

Involve young people in mental health

Change attitudes of future generations

The subject of Mental Health is a big passion of mine. It is something sadly I have had to go through myself with my own battle with depression and anxiety. 1 in 4 people will suffer from a mental health issue in their life.

My first experience of depression was in my mid-teens, I remember feeling so awfully low and a regular feeling of thinking ‘I don’t want to be here’. I was unhappy at school and lived in a different village to my college so only knew one or two people where I lived which was very isolating and I struggled academically in most of my subjects. I never told anyone how I felt at that age I did not understand and just hoped things would pick up. Through sixth form it was a little better but I just wanted to get away from college and into the world of work.

I became much happier once I started a full time job and for a few years sailed along quite nicely, things seemed to be good. At the age of 18 I found my faith and was baptised in 2004, I felt I had a purpose in my life, and although times were not always here I felt I had more of an inner strength. In 2006 and at the age of 20 I went on a missionary trip to Namibia for the summer. This involved staying in an orphanage, visiting AIDS patients in the villages and taking food, as well as other activities. I was never prepared emotionally for this trip, I felt very chilled. It wasn’t until I had I had a bad experience at the airport which was very hostile and involved taking me to an enclosed room for a search of my suitcase that I my first real experience anxiety hit. I was okay the first day, and then thereafter I suddenly felt in danger, I was a long way from home and was absolutely petrified. I couldn’t eat, and was regularly sick from panic. The fear was indescribable. I spent the entire rest of the trip feeling like this and it was torture. A few weeks later I landed back in the UK and felt a huge sigh of relief like I was safe again.

However as time went on I realized it had followed me home, the anxiety was chronic, I felt in danger every moment of every day, fear that I had done something wrong or had made a mistake somehow and it ate me up. This soon led to a very dark time in my life. I find it hard to describe just how dark that place was. The thought of ending it all went through my head on a daily basis, it wasn’t necessarily that I did not want to be here but I had no quality of life the way I was feeling. This went on a good few years. I tried to go abroad a couple of times again to battle my phobia of airports and holidays just felt like torture the same fear and panic attacks would come back, something is going to happen, there is no way I can get home.

I could be surrounded by a great group of people but never felt so alone and isolated. People who saw me day to day in my job would never know the turmoil I was going through, not even some of my friends knew the torture I was feeling. It was like a constant black cloud that followed me. There were times I felt in utter distress. It was only when I started getting really dark thoughts about suicide I decided to see a GP who was absolutely brilliant, he did an assessment which showed I was severely depressed and had generalized anxiety disorder and symptoms of OCD. It was many situations that led to this point. Not just the anxiety, but a mixture of life events in this time. After trying counselling which did not work for me I went for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) for six weeks. This was the best thing I ever did. Finally someone I felt could get inside my head and untangle all the knots where it had gone wrong. I could talk freely and no matter how insane it sounded I knew my Therapist understood. He set me exercise and goals to achieve.

One of these was changing jobs and another to go abroad again. I went to Florida with some family again to see a friend and it was the first time I loved a holiday in a long time. So much so I achieved my main goal to travel on my own and meet my friend out there for a couple of weeks before flying back.

I felt at a time I would never lead a normal life. My anxiety/depression has never completely gone, it is always there, that black dog lingering in the distance waiting, but I feel I have techniques now and I have never stopped taking my medication. There are times when that black cloud comes over me again and it will last a good few days, and no matter how awful it feels, I know that glimpse of light will shine through again.

Depression/Anxiety is a cruel illness. It is such a dark place, and people who do not understand will tell you cheer up, it isn’t that bad etc. Unfortunately the brain does not work that way. In this day in age, the pressure is so high and constant.

In the past couple of years I have known or known of people who have had friends/family who has taken their own life, and it literally breaks my heart. The thought that someone feels there is absolutely no way out. There is a saying “They say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”. We will never know the torture a person goes through before deciding that there is no way out, why a person walks in front of a train, or out to sea and the unanswered questions and guilt left on loved ones left behind.

Depression can still be such a taboo subject, and there needs to be more help out there and openness to talk about our feelings no matter how dark they may be. I long ago went on a STOP suicide workshop, a campaign, a pledge where you say “I’d ask”, meaning if someone came to me and said ‘I feel hopeless’ or ‘I do not want to be here anymore’ instead of saying oh don’t be silly, I would respond and dare to ask someone if they were getting thoughts of ending their life?! We need to be more open to ask the question and maybe more lives could be saved if only we could tell somebody and not feel guilty and ashamed.

Note: The cure for asthma is not “just breathe!” and the cure for cancer is not “stop growing those cells!” Similarly, the cure for depression is not, “just be happier!”, and the cure for anxiety is not, “stop worrying so much!” These are not phases of life for teenagers and the weak-minded; they are serious chronic medical illnesses.

People who die by suicide do not want to end their lives; they want to end their pain.

Stephen Fry once said “If you know someone who is depressed please resolve never to ask them why. Depression is not a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather. Try to understand the blackness, hopelessness and loneliness they are going through. Be there for the when they come through the other side. It is hard to be a friend to someone who is depressed, but it is one of the kindest noblest and best things you will ever do.

It is tough if you have never suffered this way to understand how a depressed or anxious person is feeling but today let us stand together, look out for the signs, and speak up if we need it. There is support and as isolating as it feels, there are many people going through a similar situation.

Today if someone talks about ending their life, no matter how attention seeking, you think it is, let’s take the pledge and say “I’d ask”, let us open our eyes and break the taboo of mental health and like Stephen Fry said be kind and noble for people who need us.