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living in a 20ish world like starting to colouring the canvas.

I just read the quotes from pinterest said “write journal”. Then i thought why not to write journal about my story? It’s not for people to read it. It doesn’t matter to me if people read it or none reads it. I just wanna write what I want to write.

Once, my lecture said “why do you think we use the word fall in falling in love? it sounds like love i’s so spontaneous.”

I just realised it that yeah love is so spontaneous. You don’t know literally when to fall and you don’t know what makes you fall, also you don’t know how to prevent to fall and the way you fall. It just happens like that, unpredictable, un-avoidable, and unexplainable.

So, i believe in love at first sight. You don’t know how it comes, but you can feel it. The more you deny it, the more you feel it.

Once, I had a “fall” in love thing in my story. I met this guy somewhere in online. We decided to meet as a physical-hello. I honestly wanted to cancel the meeting cause I was too sleepy to get out from home. And i did not accept any reply from him in that time. But yeah we met at the end. And believe or not, it was the simplest dress up I’ve ever worn in a first meeting with a guy. A tshirt, skirt, and slippers. I didn’t know what was in my head that i let myself dressing up like that. I usually full dress up and make up on when meeting with people.

First meeting, it went well. But yeah, i didn’t have any intention to have a further relationship on that time. I planned to have two or three meeting on a guy, because this online dating game does not suit to my story so i never take it serious.

This guy is different. He was the most respectful guy I’ve ever met. More respect than any guys in my real life. He kept himself getting to me that I let myself meeting him. I usually decide to like someone, because he’s hot, smart, cool, swag, and so on. But in this time, I didn’t decide anything. He has none of my typical list of boyfriend, except musical skill he has.

But yeah i just realised that’s the use of the word-fall in fall in love. Im not planning to love someone, what makes me fall, but i suddenly fell. Loving someone with no reason. I felt it. I dont know why i like this guy, but I realised it when any love quotes I read, he pops up in my head. When i hear love song, he pops up, when im in a silence, he pops up. He always pops up so spontaneous.

Actually, I kept denying myself that I liked this guy. Cause he’s none of my typical list and knowing it’s hard to be together if we choose to be together. But yeah, fall in love is un-deniable. Your head can say you deny, so does your mouth. But again, you can’t deny your feeling.

But the unique thing is, I couldn’t realise it if I was not separated with him. When he left me and I was all alone, i started to feel I was loosing something that I don’t know what it was. The sky seemed gray, and i was happy but not freely happy. And the thought came and said “damn, i’ve already fallen!”

In the end, you cannot force in love. Sometimes you cannot get your love when it’s already gone. No one can blame on that. I can’t blame myself for being fall, I can’t force myself to get love or to stop it.

One of a doctor said to me that “let time answers” so let time heals the scar you get from your fall. You can’t do anything. It just happened like that. Quite complicated, huh?

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Maybe ‘YES’ you can choose.
Maybe ‘YES’ the choice is given to you.
Maybe ‘YES’ you have to choose.
But the final answer is not yours.
Your choice may not be accepted by the JUDGE.

In choosing,
Choose means options.
Options mean more than one.
Choose means you take only one; you take one, and leave the other one.
You may describe all little things of the X, then the Y. Which things benefit you more, you will choose it.
But in fact, it can’t only about how many benefit you get from the option you choose, but also it’s about the option which makes you get yourself bigger than this time.

Sometimes you let people to choose for yourself, or
Sometimes you just take a half they said.
You think it makes sense, or, even you think it’s definitely right.
But in the process, you learn something.
Something that proves whether its right or wrong.

Life is about options.
From the early time in your life, you have options to choose.
Whether you want to keep your mouth sucking mom’s nipple cause you’re hungry, or
stop sucking cause you’re too sleepy to open your eyes.
You choose.

In the end, you are the only one who does your option.
You will be responsible of what you’ve chosen.
Sleeping or sucking. Hungry or sleepy.
But the JUDGE knows the best for you.
Even you have chose the best of your version, but
you’ll never know what suits you in the JUDGE’s version.

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Good bye is simple as you move your palm of your hands in the air to a person and say the words ‘good’ and ‘bye’. It might be asy to sound, but you never know what the heart of the speaker sys when it is sounded. Maybe some say ‘I like to see you go’. Some would say ‘Please dont go’ or ‘I dont like to see you go, but I know that’s good for you, so goodbye’

Saying goodbye can leave a smile in your lips or tears rolling down the cheeks or even both The memories of saying ‘hi, hello’ will come accross your mind when you say good bye. All the happy tears, anger, and laugh memorie are rewind and give an emotion when you see the back of the person.

People come and go. The first sight will be changed when you get closer with people. It depends on you whether you want them to be written in your life history book or nt. People accidentally meet others and some of the people you meet will stay for a while or forever. You choose.

Old people said be nice to others cause you will never know tomorrow. When you meet new people is like you buy a new book ad start to write the words on it. What you write in the beginning determines how the story will end and how worthed the ook will be fter you close the book.

When you say hello to someone, It’s your choice to make yourself be near with him/her or not. If you decide to give a smile in the first, you know you wil start with the words ‘he/she is my friend.’ and it will end by being good friends or even more, or a lover. Then you will know how worth he/she when you say good bye.

Airport can help us to understand on how great the words of ‘hello’ and ‘good bye’. Standing behind the gate at the entance of the airport with a big smile and the hunger gaze, can’t wait to let a ‘hello’ word comes out of lips. When it happens, you know unconsciously you are happy or not with the person you are about to meet. But when you deliver someone in the other entrance, your heart will have other words. It won’t the same words as your lips have. It’s easy to say ‘good bye’ but it’s hard to let the body you hug leaves you.

If you stare at his/her back, in that time you know his/her is the person who colors your life for a while or just the person you met yesterday.

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Maybe lots of teenagers are quite bored in a teen-age world. When they want to do something out of the teen-ish zone, older people will say, “You’re just a teenage, you’re not good enough to do that. Stop it and do like the others.” And you’ll be like, “grrrrr…” It’s absolutely NORMAL.

Then you reach the time when you are in front of a birthday cake with the candles in a two and O numbers, you scream “yesss it’s going to be number 2 in the left side of my candle from now on. And it’s going to be a new me!” in your heart then you blow the candles. Believe me, i did that!

My mom gave me some boundaries in my teenage. No make ups, no facial treatments, no joining concerts, back home before 9pm, no shaping the eyebrows (really this one is important for my mom), and so on. And when i blew the number 2 in my candle it’s like, “Well, I’m gonna do what my mom didnt allow me before.”

Still trying to stick with mom’s regulation in living over 100kms away like going home before 10, calling her in the morning and evening, telling her what i had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, telling her whole activities in a day every day, but i was feeling a lil bit free of being 20. I tried to put the mascara and eye liner on, hung out with friends and went home in late night even stayed at my friends dorm, and so on.

But i felt life is still as same as before; going to university, doing assignments till midnight, hanging out with friends, buying things i wanted to buy, asking mom to get more money to have vacations with friends and many more. And finally, the time that i should have graduated from university but i had not had yet. There was a feeling like I only have 15 seconds left to build a leggo house and if i wouldn’t have finished yet, the dog which is barking from the early race will absolutely bite me in no time. Seeing some people around me have already done their leggo house and are running to another level of the game and another some are still picking some blocks to be put as a base of a house. Life seems like a race. And it is.

That was what I illustrate my past condition. Some of my friends are already got their thesis’ tittles and started to write it then had a test of it and officially got S.Hum in the end of their names, whereas me, I still didn’t have any tittles, and when i had it i was rejected and should find it and give to the lecturers in 4 days. It was the hardest part in my life in that time. I needed 6 months to find one tittle and when i thought mine was good enough to be continued for the last assignment, in fact mine was unfortunately been rejected. 5 out of 8 people of us got that bomb straight bumping our heads. So we surfed internets from the sun came until the sun disappeared and until the sun came again to find any inspiration suited with the our capabilities to continue it for more than 60 pages.

i tried politics and Thank God i realised i was not good in politics before i decided it to pick it as my theme. I tried advertisements, slogans, and many more. And finally, i chose a sitcom. 4 of my friends chose novel, movie, politics, airplane. Then our tittles were accepted! finally! i finished it in 3 months.

in those 3 months i did constant activities like typing in my laptop after i woke up, having meals in front of my laptop, going to take a bath and back to the laptop again, going to libraries after class, and back to laptop whole day until i felt its time to take a rest for a while, and so on. Finally, i graduated in November 2014. It was like WoW, i have a new name! i have S.Hum in the end of my name.

i had parties with my friends and family as my thankful for their help in getting my tittle. The following days when i finally realised i did not have any deadlines to be fulfilled, i missed the time of awaking at midnight in front of my laptop, i missed reading my novels and books. Then now i do not have any deadlines that if i couldn’t finish it i would have something as a punishment. And now i guess i am entering a new phase of life.

i realise this is the real 20ish world life. I have to find things to do to make my brain works as it does, to make my empty pockets full of money, to make lots of numbers in my bank accounts, and so on. It starts from fixing my mind. What i like, what my passion is, what my capabilities are. I’m trying to figure out by reading motivating books, reading blogs, reading quotes, making a journal, making deadlines of my ownself, bumping with old friends, talking about what life has offered them and sharing to get a new inspiration, talking about business and futures.

Lots of youth people get their wildest dream in their 20ish age. They do what they like, they do their hobbies as their jobs, they travel the world, they buy fancy things, and so on. They take it as a boss. But if i look a little bit lower, i see some of them do what are in front of them, do what people offer them like that, they take it as a recipient. That’s huge different. And when i look on to mirror i see my self like “you are in a start line, mind to step your feet.”

Honestly, i haven’t known what my call is but I’m just writing my goals, putting it in the front page of my journal, writing what i achieved in a week, and set another goals for the following weeks. i do cooking, sewing, reading, writing, watching, making music, photograph-ing, and many more.

i still cannot figure out what is 20ish world for me, but I’m just doing what i can, what i think i can, trying to out from comfort zone and try new ones, and dare to dream. Actually, it all starts from dream. maybe?