Friday, February 26, 2016

Marco the Mall Cop, Ted the Televangelist, Kasich the Shoe Salesman and Ben the Bore

By Shane Kastler

Economist Thomas Sowell once said Barack Obama reminded him of a college sophomore who thinks he can run the world because he's never actually had to run anything. The same holds true for Marco Rubio. Watching him lecture Donald Trump on how the world works made for comical political theater, given the fact that Trump was running a company while Rubio was still wetting his diapers. It occurred to me as I watched Rubio and Ted Cruz repeatedly taking shots at Trump that neither of them have ever really done anything outside of politics. They're both career politicians and first term Senators who have the hubris to assume that qualifies them to run the country. The great irony here, is that everything they criticize about Obama, they epitomize themselves. They're just Republican versions of the Democratic dictator. And let's be honest, if Cruz and Rubio's last names were Smith and Jones, they wouldn't even be on the stage. The Republicans are so moronically obsessed with floating “minority” candidates that lightweight newcomers like these two have been able to sail threw.

Trump is far from perfect, as a candidate and as a person; but at least he has done something in his life other than give speeches and cast votes on how to run everyone's life. Likewise Ben Carson. Bless his heart, he has zero chance of getting elected. He is so boring to listen to that it seems HE almost falls asleep when he's answering a question. But he's actually DONE SOMETHING in his life. He's a pediatric brain surgeon. He grew up in the ghetto, persevered through medical school, and DID SOMETHING. What's Rubio ever done? In the last debate he was asked to name something that would prove he had the experience to make tough decisions as President. He said he had voted on a Senate committee! That was honestly his answer. He's accomplished nothing other than advancing his career by being a “pretty boy” with a Hispanic last name. If his name were Mark Roberts instead of Marco Rubio he'd be working as a mall cop in Miami Beach.

Ted Cruz is pure politician. He does the phony hand gestures. He's captured the deep, authoritative sounding voice. He knows when to ham it up for the cameras, and he tries to catch his opponents in traps. Good for him. But what has he ever done outside of politics? He's made it to the Senate by being someone's bag man (Big Oil? Goldman Sachs?). He's been caught in lie after lie after lie. He's done every dirty political trick in the book and then fired his subordinates as scapegoats. Then has the audacity to give campaign speeches peppered with references to Jesus and the Bible. He has the look, feel, and sound of a televangelist. But it's a shtick that fools a lot of naive Christians who assume that whatever a Republican, lifetime politician says MUST be true.

John Kasich is running to be Trump's Vice President and nothing more. My gosh is he ever a schlep! He tries to play the “nice guy” routine by not taking a stand on anything. And he's careful to not criticize Trump too much. To me its obvious he's jockeying for position. As a two-time Ohio governor he could be political capital in the most brutal of battleground states. And he knows this. It's obvious he knows this. He also spent 18 years in Washington as a congressman, but wants you to believe he's an “outsider.” Ha Ha. Yea right! I was born last night John. I'll buy that.

Now back to Rubio. Chris Christie not only exposed him in the previous debate, he might have marred his future in politics completely. Rubio is SO BAD! He looks like a Saturday Night Live caricature of a politician. The phony smile, the perfectly parted hair, the robotic talking points that he sticks to even while being ridiculed for it. The way he shoots one of his eyebrows up to look “serious.” The way he repeatedly says, “Hey this is serious! Hey this is serious!” Because no one is really taking him serious. Rubio is a bad joke; but sometimes even bad jokes give you a chuckle. Trump said he was a “choke artist” who was sweating so badly when Christie went after him that he looked like he just got out of swimming pool. Indeed. Trump, at least, is entertaining to listen to. He doesn't always know what he's talking about; but he also brings up issues that make the Republicans squirm. Anything short of the open idolatry of Israel will get you scorned, yet Trump (while supportive) is less than obsessed. Bashing George Bush's war policy also sets neocons to screaming; and Trump does that well also. If it's entertainment you want, then Trump provides it. And if he wasn't in the debates I probably wouldn't bother watching. I'm sure not tuning in for Marco the Mall Cop, Ted the Televangelist, Kasich the Shoe Salesman, or Ben the Bore. Nothing left to do now but sit back and watch who wins, and hope for Trump & Hillary so we can enjoy the incendiary tweets and volcanic debates of a woman who explodes anytime she's questioned and a man who lives to goad people into such explosions.