Transitioning is when a person decides to start presenting and living as their authentic gender identity, rather than what they were prescribed physically at birth. It's a conflicting time in transgender people's lives, as they experience the euphoria of finally getting to be themselves, along with the negative social and financial impacts of the process. Support from friends, family, employers, coworkers, and the government has a huge impact on the physical and emotional effects of transitioning.

As a trans woman, I deeply know the toll that living a lie takes on one’s mental health and overall quality of life.

I felt like a part of me was always hidden, even as I tried to fit into people's expectations as best I could. I was still the jigsaw piece that didn’t quite fit.

When I finally accepted who I was and made the decision to transition, there was an immediate improvement in my self-esteem, confidence, and mental state. And the growth I’ve experienced after transitioning is nothing short of life-affirming. But my initial transition wasn’t easy, and there were a lot of pitfalls and traps along the way. The best way to make the process easier is by talking to a wide variety of trans people, and learning from their successes and failures.

Here, 10 trans-identifying people share what they wish they had known before they transitioned. (Interviews have been edited for length and clarity.)

Alex "Alfredo" Rosales, 20

Gender: Male

Orientation: Bisexual

Before I transitioned, I wish I had known that it's OK to think for yourself. I grew up in a tough, hostile home environment. Facing that and a society that discourages female voices made everything even more difficult. I felt like I couldn't trust myself. It took finding feminism to realize that my voice mattered.

I fought with myself for quite a while. As a child I felt male and even "packed"—padding a phallic object in the front of pants or underwear. A girl that I felt strongly for told me that she only liked boys, and inside I was screaming, "But I am one!" As a teenager I was judged a lot, frequently labelled as too loud and opinionated, and even too happy. But my outward appearance of happiness [masked] self-hatred.

When [transgender actress] Laverne Cox hit my radar, I told myself, "I strongly identify with her...but as a boy." Still, I felt that I needed to be sure. Over and over, I asked others if they could tell me if I was trans. Deep down I knew the answer, but I needed confirmation. When I finally told a mental health professional that I thought I could be transgender (guiltily as if I were admitting to a crime) he said, "You can just [stay] a female and wear men's clothing."

Just two weeks later (and against the professional’s advice), I was in a support group when a trans woman broke down in tears and said she felt all alone. Her family was not accepting her transition. When I stood up for her, I realized that I could stand up for myself, too. I came out to the support group as a boy (with my hair still in pigtails).

That was a year ago. Yesterday, I went in for my first testosterone appointment. I am just now accepting who I am, for myself. The main thing that I wish I would have known before I transitioned is that you don't need anyone's permission but your own.

Max, 30

For the majority of people, transitioning can help body dysphoria—but it might also trigger it. My eating disorder history was, in many ways, rooted to gender dysphoria. While transitioning was hands down the right choice in the long run, the rapid physical changes when I started hormones triggered the anorexic part of my brain. I wish that I had planned for this in some way.

It's true that hormone therapy radically changes your body, but not always in ways you might expect. For a while, especially as I got acclimated, my migraines and panic attacks both got noticeably worse. The way I orgasm changed. I find it hard to describe orgasms, but the simplest explanation is that they got way more intense, but I can't climax more than once now. Also, the way I think changed. I swear there's more “dial tone” now and less constant background chatter.

Transitioning does not have to be prohibitively expensive. The largest financial hurdles for me were starting hormone replacement therapy (HRT) and changing my wardrobe. I was so afraid I would never be able to afford transitioning because the numbers are often sensationalized (and may include particularly pricey treatment options that are not one-size-fits-all).

Not wanting gender confirmation surgery does not mean your identity is any less valid, or that you have to identify as non-binary. My gender is binary male and I have not had, nor do I want, any surgery. It took a long time to understand that my breasts don't make me any less male. I am male, period.

You are not obligated to be a trans role model. With how fast the community is changing, six-plus years in means I'm already a trans “elder.” It's easy to say “no” to educating cisgender people about trans issues, but I had to learn to enforce boundaries with other trans people, too. I don't have limitless emotional resources to serve as mentor, adviser, big brother, or therapist just because I also happen to be transgender.

If you're in a relationship, it is impossible to know for sure how it will be affected—but it will be affected. I hate having to say this one. My partner and I were really committed, despite all we had heard about how often couples break up when one person transitions, and we toughed it out for a while. But neither of us was truly prepared for how deeply the changes would affect us.

Wherever you are and however you look, you are still the same person. When I talk to young trans people, this is the biggest thing I stress. Transitioning is not a cure-all, it will not solve your life's problems, nor will it fundamentally change who you are. Transitioning is a way to live your truth more authentically, but your baggage will still come with you. For all its challenges, transitioning is the best thing I ever did for myself. I wish someone older and wiser had told me that yes, it is totally all worth it to look in the mirror and recognize yourself as you should be.

Maeve, 36

Gender: Female

Orientation: Lesbian

Support groups are only as good as the people that comprise them. You will run into great people…and not so great people. Do not feel obligated to stay in one if there are people that make you uncomfortable.

To my sisters just starting HRT, when people warn about how your nipples will get sensitive, they'll likely forget to mention that this isn't limited to just painful sensitivity. You might find yourself in the middle of grocery shopping and suddenly, you’re very hot and bothered because your shirt rubbed your nipples just-so. Try not to let it catch you off guard and send you stumbling into a display of crackers as it did to me. You should also be aware that the more you're read as feminine, the more your words will fall on deaf ears. Misogyny is exceptionally rampant and ingrained in society.

The people that push you to prove your existence will seldom accept any facts, and will skate around the multitude of flaws in their very repetitive and utterly specious arguments. Don't be afraid to cut ties with friends or family if they are not supportive. It will be awful to lose someone you've loved a long time, but keeping a negative influence in your orbit will do more harm to you than losing them.

To finish, I'll pass along advice I wish I'd been more mindful of early in transition: “Don't let anyone mess with your head, not even yourself.”

Sena, 47

Gender: Trans female

Orientation: Oh muffin, all-of-the-things

I really struggled with how to answer this question, because I felt well informed about what to expect prior to transitioning. I knew it was not going to be a panacea, that there would be gains and sacrifices. On the positive side of the equation, what continually surprises me is the mind-body alignment that brought about an indescribable amount of inner peace and calm. It was a state of being I could only achieve in the past through temporary and often self-destructive means.

On the negative side are the belittling, derisive, and dehumanizing glares and attitudes. While not unexpected, it is the kind of flotsam that has become a part of my daily life. I've had to face a career change, a breakup, and ongoing discrimination, yet life goes on. Only now it's balanced and healthier. One truism of transitioning is you'll find out who your true friends are and love them a whole lot more.

Marissa, 51

The thing I wish I knew before I transitioned is the degree to which my male privilege mattered in my professional life. I'm politically and socially progressive, and I wasn't completely unaware of privilege on a conceptual basis. However, transitioning from male to female brings the concept of privilege into sharp relief and teaches you lessons fast. It can work for you and it can work against you.

I'm a general manager in a software technology firm with 35 years of experience in the shark tank of sales and sales management. When I disclosed to our owner/CEO, he was kind and gracious and said, "I find it easier to work with women, anyway." He was supportive of my transition and has been incredibly accommodating of my upcoming gender realignment surgery. But there's a downside.

I found myself on the outside of major decisions rather quickly. Men were driving changes and I found that decisions regarding my own team were not being run through me, as if my opinion mattered less. Oh my god! What is with men talking over women in meetings? Where did that come from? (I'll pause here for the collective rolling of the eyes by my cisgender sisters at this point.) In one meeting with the same person, I had to tell them to let me finish speaking three times in a single sitting.

At the same time, I found that cisgender women were authentically supportive. So many more reached out to talk with me and to help me celebrate my transition. One woman gave me a silver necklace with my transition date stamped on it. I rarely take it off. I find lovely messages and sticky notes left anonymously on my desk thanking me for inspiring them.

I wonder now if the enthusiasm my CEO initially had for my transition was a function of him thinking that I'll be suddenly easier to dismiss? Good luck with that. I haven't been strong this long to stop now!

Laura, 32

Gender: Nonbinary demi-girl

Orientation: Queer

I most wish I knew that I wasn't alone and that everyone's transition is different. For most of my life, the gender binary was assumed and thoughtlessly enforced. I didn't start truly asking myself what it meant to be a woman until I was almost in my 30s. Since then, I've researched and dug and found words to describe my actual feelings. I've also found a group of people who also have been asking similar questions. I'm not alone. There are so many others out there considering their own ingrained patterns to find the essence, the truth of themselves. But at the same time, no one else has the same answers as I do. No one else is experiencing gender or relearning of themselves in the same way. Finding a group of people has been the most helpful in that we all overlap, but none of us are photocopies.

Another thing I would tell myself is that it's fine to take small steps. It's all right to widen your circle of support and of those who know you are out however slow or fast you need. Speak up when you and only you decide it's time. People will support you and love you, and if they don't they truly aren't worth your time. Also, you can't help others until you are happy and healthy yourself, especially through such a rightfully needy time. You need to concentrate on yourself and your requirements—and that's OK. Transitioning is legitimate work with the goal of making yourself happy, and reaching out and talking to others helps. The internet is useful but it's also a slippery slope—don't be afraid to keep your feeds as tailored as you need. You owe no one a follow, an ear, or an apology.

Your transition is your own. It is a time of cocooning and emerging later as a beautiful butterfly, even if it takes a new cocoon each night. Be honest and open with yourself and your support system, understand and accept that you will stumble and so will others.

Elliott, 33

Gender: Male

Orientation: Gay

My doctor had given me a pamphlet of physical changes to expect when starting testosterone and at what point they might occur. The one thing it didn't mention was how hungry I would be all the time. I had always thought those jokes about teenage boys being like bottomless food pits were exaggerations. I had to eat every few hours and I'm not talking snacks—I'm talking full meals. And I wasn't just hungry, I was hungry and really cranky about it. That was probably the worst of it for me.

I spent several years thinking about medical transition before I took the steps, and the delay was 100 percent fear based. I wish I had known that while stabbing myself with a needle sucks, being able to look in the mirror and actually like the person I see makes it all totally worth it.

Steph, mid-40s

I wish that I'd known just how awful [testosterone suppressants] are. They have diuretic effects and the frequent and urgent need to pee is true. I need to hydrate constantly, and oddly, dill pickles became a massive craving. The worst thing is when I wake up in the middle of the night wanting to scream because of extremely painful leg cramps—a side effect of the hormone replacement therapy (HRT). Don't get me wrong, I'm very happy with the results of what is happening, but the process of re-emerging from this chrysalis is a painful one.

My chosen family has become critical for me—they are affirming and supportive. There are lots of trans people in my circle and we strongly rally together. Without other trans people, I never would have survived this and learned that I could thrive. Without them, I would not have gained the confidence to be myself openly, unapologetically, and honestly. I never would have realized what a resource I can be to my community, raising my voice (and my fist) at social and political injustice, and becoming a peer counselor at Trans Lifeline, a suicide hotline exclusively by and for trans people.

With confidence in myself and my place in the world, it has become possible to lovingly reconnect with my estranged biological family, in particular my 72-year-old father. I now have the energy and trust to work with him and see through the tough times. I realized that he wanted to have me in his life just as badly as I wanted him in mine. It turns out an old dog can learn new tricks! [My family] is seeing a side of him that we always hoped was there, and I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Janus, 27

Gender: Female

Orientation: Pansexual

I wish I had known just how embracing who I really am would dramatically bring me back to life. I spent half my life ashamed and scared of who and what I was. I wish I had known how wonderfully my friends and family would embrace the authentic me. I count my blessings daily, because I don't know how I could have done it without the support of the people around me.

I was very surprised by just how many of my relatives were supportive of me, though there are some I'm still not out to. Most of all, I wish I had known how many wonderful friends and people I would meet once I had the confidence to be myself around others. It's profound how much easier it is to make friends when you are comfortable with yourself compared to when you're not. I feel like a kid at the playground again, where meeting a new friend could happen every day.

Ada Powers, 32

Gender: Woman

Orientation: Queer

It takes a long time to learn the finer points of performing your gender in the world. Nearly two years in, I've only just recently acquired confidence and skill in how I dress and present, and I'd have been less hard on younger me if I had understood that every nervous thrift store trip, every cautious exploration into a new kind of makeup, every uncomfortable moment was just a part of a gently unfolding process.

You don't need to know that you are trans for sure before starting your journey, and in fact, such a moment wouldn't come for me until a good time after I'd already begun transitioning. For a while it felt like I was dragging part of myself along kicking and screaming, while another part whispered trust me, without really knowing what I meant. In many ways, it was simply my decision to trust myself that made me certain.

What I'd want my pre-transition self to know is that however more difficult life gets, fighting the world as your authentic self is better than fighting yourself on behalf of the world. Nothing is worse than constantly beating yourself up. I felt like I'd been renting a space in my body for what seemed like an eternity. Nothing feels more exciting, scary, and wonderful than deciding to really move into yourself. I like people to know just how much happiness was waiting for me after my transition.

There is a common thread throughout these personal accounts of transition: Life after transition is much happier and healthier than pretending to be someone other than who you really are.

I certainly struggled when I transitioned, too, the social whiplash of going from the privileged male social position to living and working as a woman was shocking. Suddenly I had to fight to be seen as a good worker or to be listened to both in work and in social situations. My worth was suddenly lowered.

My transition led to me finding myself, growing as an individual, and becoming happier and healthier, physically and mentally. I’ve gained a lot of new friends and I married my beautiful wife. I even became closer to my family, particularly my mother. Transition isn’t easy and there’s still a lot of misinformation surrounding and oppression of trans people. But what I hope you take away from this is how important it is for trans people to truly be themselves—and how much better that is for everyone.