Crazy Rich Asians is Blunder-ful [SPOILERS]

ust for clarity: They weren’t crazy, they were crazy rich (I might have enjoyed it more if some of them were actually crazy). You also don’t need to be Asian to relate to this movie.

A series of blunders:

For a wedding ceremony, they convert a church into Fern Gully and the bride wades down the aisle to the altar. A perfectly good, dry, working church is transformed into a swamp. The pews are tall grass. It looked as stupid as it sounds. I feel mental typing out that description. The inconvenience of WADING down the aisle, getting the wedding gown wet, then the bridesmaids getting equally wet makes absolutely no sense. Then these morons stand there the entire ceremony soaking wet. Sometimes directors make characters do dumb things bc it sets up a visually stunning shot. Imagine a lady in a wedding gown in a freaking swamp. It’s not a visually stunning image. Seeing this unfold on screen took me out of the movie completely.

The hero isn’t cut up AND they have scenes where the camera pans on him like he’s cut up. The combination is the issue. He doesn’t have to be cut up. No problem. Most people aren’t. He doesn’t have to be jacked. No problem. If he’s not, don’t shoot a shot where I’m led to believe he’s willing to make the sacrifice to look good on screen. There didn’t need to be a scene where dude was standing in a doorway with the sun behind him, shirtless, while the camera lingered on his stomach. Dude, the beautiful sun is being blocked by your-not-so-beautiful stomach. There didn’t need to be one of those scenes. There certainly wasn’t a need for two of them, but there I was, 30 minutes later, being forced to look at this guy, shirtless, while he talked to his mother. He could have had his shirt on. It’s even weirder that he had a long, barechested conversation with his heartless mom.

Side note: Michelle Yeoh is a cold, cold woman. Her kill scene in this movie is way more badass than any of the ones she did in her action movies.

Our hero is written as a James Marsden character. James Marsden is the dude in The Notebook that does absolutely NOTHING wrong, is super NOT jealous, and his woman runs off into the arms of Ryan Gosling. The emotional finale focuses on the love between his woman and Ryan Gosling. James Marsden also played Cyclops in the original X-Men trilogy. He also does nothing wrong (he might’ve gotten a little jealous) and his woman still ends up in the arms of Hugh Jackman. After being killed by said woman, the emotional finale ends up focusing on the love between his woman and Hugh Jackman.

Back to this movie. Our hero doesn’t do ANYTHING wrong. NOTHING (other than not doing enough cardio). Somehow, there are multiple instances where his woman is crying and/or mad at him for something he didn’t do. The woman even knows, the entire time, that this guy was golden and he still has to deal with the drama. She doesn’t kill him, but she runs away from him with the knowledge that she’s punishing him for like…no reason.

I HATE this in movies. A couple separates because one of them messes up. One day later, the one in pain is already interested in someone else and that’s supposed to imply a happy ending for that person. WTF?! You just got out of a long-term relationship and you’re ready to move on one day later? Perhaps you’re a serial relationship person and you don’t really know who you are. MAYBE, that could have contributed to why your major relationship didn’t work out.

Rom coms need to make a comeback. They’ve been gone a little too long. Movies nowadays are a little too bloated with CGI and gigantic plots. Relationship movies are a nice refresher. I may accidentally watch Sweet Home Alabama this weekend. Ugh, nevermind, I just remembered. Patrick Dempsey is the James Marsden character in that movie. He does nothing wrong in that movie too either…and you know what? F’n…Legally Blond was ready to walk down the aisle with Patrick Dempsey. She bounces on him at the aisle and, the same night, she’s ready to marry fake Matthew McConaughey. I’m all pissed again. This is why they stopped making rom coms. It causes fights in relationships. Dudes don’t get it and women leave the theater in happy tears (whatever those are). This weekend I’ll just rewatch Infinity War for the 27th time. At least aliens and superpowers make emotional sense. ♦

Crazy Rich Asians – Kinda spoilers – because are you really gonna watch it? Clarification – they weren’t crazy, they were crazy rich. I may have enjoyed it more some of them were actually crazy. You don’t need to be Asian to relate to the movie.

A series of blunders:

Movie Blunder: For a wedding ceremony, they convert a church into Fern Gully and the bride wades down the aisle to the altar. A perfectly dry, working church is transformed into a swamp. The pews are tall grass. It looked as stupid as it sounds. I feel mental typing out that description. The inconvenience of WADING down the aisle getting the wedding gown wet, then the bridesmaids getting equally wet makes absolutely no sense. Then these morons stand there the entire ceremony soaking wet. Sometimes directors make characters do dumb things bc it sets up a visually stunning shot. Imagine a lady in a wedding gown in a freaking swamp. It’s not a visually stunning image. Seeing this unfold on screen took me out of the movie completely.

Next movie blunder: the hero isn’t cut up AND they have scenes where the camera pans on him like he’s cut up. The combination is the issue. He doesn’t have to be cut up. No problem. Most people aren’t. He doesn’t have to be jacked. No problem. If he’s not, don’t shoot a shot where I’m lead to believe he’s willing to make the sacrifice to look good on screen. There didn’t need to be a scene where dude was standing in a doorway with the sun behind, shirtless, while the camera lingered on his stomach. Dude, the beautiful sun is being blocked by your not beautiful stomach. There didn’t need to be one of those scenes. There certainly wasn’t a need for two of them, but there I was, 30 minutes later, being forced to look at this guy, shirtless, while he talked to his mother. He could have had his shirt on. It’s even weirder that he had a long, barechested conversation with his heartless mom. Side note: Michelle Yeoh is a cold, cold woman. Her kill scene in this movie is way more badass than any of the ones she did in her action movies.

Next movie blunder: Our hero is written as a James Marsden character. James Marsden is the dude in the Notebook that does absolutely nothing wrong, is super not jealous, and his woman runs off into Ryan Gosling’s arms. The emotional finale is the love between the woman and Ryan Gosling. James Marsden also played Cyclops in the original X-Men trilogy, also does nothing wrong, is a little jealous, and his woman still ends up in the arms of Hugh Jackman. After being killed by woman, the emotional finale ends up being about the love between the woman and Hugh Jackman. Back to this movie – our hero doesn’t do ANYTHING wrong. Nothing – other than not doing enough cardio. Somehow, multiple times in the movie, the woman is crying/and or mad at him for something he didn’t do. The woman even knows the entire time that this guy was golden, but he has to deal with the drama. She doesn’t kill him, but she runs away from him with the knowledge that she’s punishing him for something he doesn’t do.

I HATE THIS in movies. A couple breaks up because one of them messes up. One day later, the hurt person is already interested in another person – and that’s supposed to imply a happy ending for that person. WTF?! You just got out of a long-term relationship and you’re ready to move on one day later? Perhaps you’re a serial relationship person, you don’t really know who you are, and MAYBE, that could have contributed to why your major relationship didn’t work out.

Rom coms need to make a comeback. They’ve been gone a little too long. Movies are a little too bloated now with CGI and gigantic plots. Relationship movies are a nice refresher. I may accidentally watch Sweet Home Alabama this weekend. Ugh – nevermind. I just remembered – Patrick Dempsey is the James Marsden character in that movie. He does nothing wrong in that movie too… and you know what? F’n Legally Blond was ready to walk down the aisle with Patrick Dempsey, she bounces on him at the aisle, and the same night, she’s ready to marry fake Matthew McConaughey. I’m all pissed again. This is why they stopped making rom coms. It causes fights in relationships. Dudes don’t get it and women leave the theater in happy tears. Whatever those are. This weekend I’ll just rewatch Infinity War for the 27th time. At least aliens and superpowers make emotional sense. ♦