So, this is my life.

Monday, Monday (4 w, 6 D)

So, at the present moment I am writing this in bed, because I’ve not felt so hot today. I have been really sick to my stomach and having waves of dizziness, a headache that comes and go, and am really emotional. As in I just spent a about 10 minutes straight sobbing over a birth that was captured by photography for a friend of mine. I was so touched and so moved– and just two days ago I told my husband I didn’t want to do that under any circumstances. Well, I lied, because I definitely want to now. I was just so moved. Typing about it makes me get all teary eyed. I promise to do a detailed post later.

I thought that Sour Cream and Onion pringles and ginger ale were helping me, but now I see that this whole sickness stuff is probably just going to progessively get worse and that they are not some magic cure. I don’t know that there is a magic cure. However, it’s the only combo that makes me feel less like throwing up. Other than the fact that nausea just seems to come in random waves for me– about 2.5 hours after waking up, then again in the afternoon, then again at night yesterday— I seem to have the hardest time staying focused on the stuff I need to do for work. I have a to-do list a half a mile long and I look at it and want to puke on it (both literally and figuratively) so I keep trying to like get one thing on the to-do list done, and then reward myself with BB/message board time.

However, I swear all the MB readings i’ve done today have really been sad news with missed miscarriages and all no hearbeats and stuff like that, and I’m back to being totally paranoid about my little bundle of joy. Not that I ever stopped being paranoid, mind you, I’m just now at like– threat level seven as opposed to the threat level 4 I was previously at. We were discussing when to tell people, and we have our first doctor appointment on 12.10 and I think we may surprise our families at Christmas. This still makes me really scared, because it will be pre-genetic testing (which I now need to research and know what all we want to do), and it will be pre 12 weeks, but I don’t know how you keep this secret.

I Last night I started a Twitter Account so that I could micro blog all my random pregnant lady moments, so you guys should follow me if you’re reading along: https://twitter.com/countdown24ever I mostly needed to do this to get out all the random stuff I want to say out loud but can’t. Like how if I could I would lie in bed all day, spent time on my blog and message boards, and watch those birth films as I obsess over every twinge, cramp, or dizzy spell. I know i should probably just avoid the internet and focus on all the positive and beautiful things, like my sweet baby growing inside of me, and I am thinking all of those positive, beautiful things, but you read so many horror stories. And I just want for my baby to be ok. I just want for my sweet little baby to be growing and healthy and ok. I wish there was some magic way you could know this one way or another, but instead you have to wait for what feels like the longest period of time of your life— three more weeks, to be exact, from today, until you go to the doctor and get the Ultrasound and find out if yes, yes, yes, everything is ok.

I’m obviously very emotional and slightly irrational today, and in the back of my mind I really do know that– I just can’t help but feel shaken by all the uncertainty right now. I just want to not feel like such a nauseas basket case. Even as I write that it makes me laugh a little– as if, right?