COLUMN: A Climate For Common Sense

With all the hullaballoo in Washington this week over prominent Republican governors disappearing for five days to Argentina and pro-democracy protests in Iran, it is a wonder anyone has found the time to debate, much less vote on, matters of domestic policy.

Nevertheless, the Democratic-controlled House of Representatives had the gall to do just that, bringing the hotly contested Waxman-Markey climate change bill to the floor and narrowly passing it. The bill has conservatives and “energy advocates” everywhere in a tizzy over the drastic burden the very idea of reducing carbon emissions through a cap-and-trade system will place on American businesses and taxpayers.

They’re probably right. Who can afford this kind of overbearing government interventionism? It’s basically socialism. Creating a market where companies can buy and sell unused carbon emissions in hopes of providing market-based incentives to curb pollution and potentially save the planet? Preposterous! The idea of proposing common sense free market solutions (as opposed to the nonsensical kind usually put forth by congressional Republicans) must be inherently un-American.

And what about the insane burden on taxpayers? Surely it will amount to the “largest tax increase in history,” as recently postulated by Utah golden boy, Rep. Jason Chaffetz. What? The non-partisan Congressional Budget Office projects the bill will only cost the average taxpayer 18 cents a day? And that is after President Obama cut 95 percent of tax rates to lower than they ever were during the days of the blessed Ronald Reagan? Outrageous! This kind of reckless spending will undoubtedly bring the country to its knees. Just think: those taxpayers could be using all that money to buy one more double cheeseburger per week from McDonald’s, thus further overburdening our strapped health care system with more obese Americans. Darn that ghoul Nancy Pelosi and her constructive use of tax dollars.

Is global warming even real anyway? I read an article by this “scientist” (who is also employed by Exxon Mobil, so he must be super smart and completely objective) saying that it was all a farce. He must be right. I mean, it was hotter in 1998 than it is today, right? Pay no mind to the fact that picking and choosing your dates over a short time span basically allows you to “prove” whatever you want. Also, ignore the fact that average global temperatures have risen exponentially over the past 40 years or so. These things are irrelevant. What’s really important here is that I want to drive a Hummer (or preferably the Japanese-made equivalent), because they just look so cool. Who cares about polar ice caps and rising seas when you can ride in style?

Furthermore, who is looking out for the underprivileged in this situation? We all know those poor Big Oil CEOs can’t possibly be expected to live on only a couple million dollars per year. Such a paltry sum has to put them vastly below the poverty level. Think of all the double cheeseburgers they’ll be missing out on if we actually expect them to develop alternative sources of fuel.

I don’t know how I’ve been so blind for so long: the conservatives are right. Obama and his Democratic pals really are out of touch with the plight of these “average Americans.” What’s the use of having a functional planet if you can’t pay oil barons exorbitant salaries and shell out gobs of cash at the pump? And don’t forget those double cheeseburgers. Global apocalypse never tasted so good.

Steve Pierce is co-founder and editor of Rhombus. He enjoys composing snarky liberal columns to mirror his less-than-snarky liberal convictions.