Fun, Education, Poker, The Sex Family

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Several days later my phone rang around 7:30 in the morning. I had actually walked my shepherd about an hour earlier, and having been up most of the night, had gone back to sleep. So, no longer used to 'wake-up calls' I might have sounded a bit grumpy -not to mention sleepy. A man's mildly excited voice was talking rather rapidly, it seemed and not making sense. It sounded like "thank you, it's time for more sex, come on over and join us fast". When I told him that I thought he had the wrong number (even groggy I knew that I had not gotten such an offer for many, many years - in fact I actually began thinking if I ever did get such an offer - but I was trying to be polite) he mentioned my full name. He slowed his rate of speech enough for me to clearly understand him trying to thank me, and asking me over for some coffee or breakfast. Still groggy, I realized who it had to be, and I had him hold on for a minute and stumbled toward pencil and paper. I asked him for his number and told him I'd call him back in about 10 minutes.Closer to 20 minutes, and awake this time I called him back. It was, indeed, the father of the 'Sexes' that had called. It seems that his son, "Tymfo", had been charged at by a neighborhood pit bull mixture breed, had held his ground while calmly recalling my role play almost a week earlier. He did exactly as he was instructed, and the dog did just what I told him the dog would do under those circumstances. Not only was his son not bitten this time, but the dog, after circling him, turned around and went back to its owner. "Mor Sex" enthusiastically invited me over to thank me for instructing his kids on that type of situation, and for befriending them. I told him the timing was all wrong for me - I really hate to visit my neighbors while still in my underwear, and , besides, I sometimes really stink without a shower. We arranged a 2:00 P.M. arrival at his house - with my shepherd.

Monday, May 26, 2008

I asked the young man to give me an example, and he obliged -with a huge smile on his face. Some years ago, we had just moved and my school records hadn't arrived at the new school. The teacher, who happened to be young and pretty, had actually asked each student to stand and introduce themselves, and to say a sentence or two about themselves. When it was my turn, I stood up and said: let's have sex (sorry) "Letsav Sex". "I'm 16 years old", and that was as far as I got. The teacher turned red, hoarsely screeched: "how dare you?" and sent me to the principal's office. Needless to say the rest of the class was absolutely hysterical -boys and girls actually rolling on the floor.

At the principal's office, a nice, apparently new, and nubile office assistant simply asked my name and what I was doing there. I got as far as my name. In the middle of her lecture, after she had finished screaming at me, the principal emerged, also female. The office assistant explained her version of the excitement. I took the time to write out my real name. That seemed to quell some of the emotion. Of course that wasn't the first, or last, incident, but thinking about it does make me laugh. And very similar things have happened to my sisters and brothers.By this time, the dog's duty done, I asked "Knotenuf" if he wanted to finish the walk, to which he eagerly assented. I gave him just about the same instructions I had given to his brothers and sister some days earlier, and he very happily took the shepherd's leash. As we neared my house and concluded the walk, I remarked "you certainly have a remarkable family and I hope I get to meet the rest of you soon."

Sunday, May 18, 2008

I told him that I was annoyed at this effusive show of appreciation because it was so unneccessary, and that we could talk, but we had to walk at the same time. My duty then was to the dog's 'duty'. As we ambled, I advised the eldest brother of my affinity for dogs and kids, but that being friendly didn't mean that either of us were moving into the others house. (I really like my space.) I added that all I really wanted to do was welcome them to the neighborhood and to 'put my money where my mouth was' i.e. - demonstrate that welcome, and then, with a smile, "perhaps acquire one or two dog-walkers in the process; not to mention wood-stackers, 'lawn-mowers', leaf-rakers, house-painters, etc.,etc." I went on - before either lad could say anything - "besides, with your names, you have enough to deal with now, and probably will continue to have some difficulties." I added "I must admit to my curiosity about some of your family's adventures and to how and when you got your names."

"Letsav" was quite used to the curiosity but not the matter-of-fact tone of my comment. With appreciation - he apparently was glad I was not smiling, smirking or snide - he proffered, "our folks could be more accurate than we could about the family name, but it did start when our great, great grandparents emigrated from Europe; and yes, although each of us has had a few problems because of our name, the pluses have far outweighed the minuses. Each of us has actually had some funny and interesting experiences. Most of us will tell you about them if you ask."

Friday, May 16, 2008

They then departed each winking at me as if they were just joking, but I knew they weren't. When they turned back to wave at me from half-way up the street I was still standing in the door-way with dog, my eyes and mouth wide open and the laughter I was suppressing kept its rise to the surface. I let it go as I closed the door. A couple of days later, while strolling with shepherd, I heard my name being bellowed from the equivalent of a block away and turned to see "Knotenuf Sex" (pronounced not enough sex, the 14-year old) running towards me with a young man in his 20's. I paused, waiting for them and again held my hand up (like a school crossing guard) telling them to stop when they were about 10 feet away. No nonsense 'Nir Nir Nit' nearly pulled my arm off straining to get to them and I remembered that I had never given any introductory instructions to this younger brother. The running toward us evidently excited the dog and I asked them both to wait a moment while I calmed her down and had her seated. I prefer not to 'yank her chain' if it's not absolutely necessary. I repeated the same instructions to both youngsters that I had given to their brother, "Iwant", days earlier, asking them to approach slowly with their hands extended - palm down - advising them that the dog was going to sniff and circle when I released her, which I then did; and she then did. They both repeated the scratching ritual and were a bit perplexed when the dog did not lay down and roll over for her belly-rub. I explained that she still had some 'business' to take care of and would oblige afterwards. "Knotenuf" introduced me to his oldest brother' "Letsav Sex", (pronounced - Let's have Sex) who, it turned out, was 23 years old, had the physique of a pro-football safety, and had earned two degrees, both earned over the internet."Letsav" effusively exhorted his appreciation for my 'kindness' to his siblings - which annoyed me somewhat.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

I then asked each of them to practice, then and there, what they would do, and how they would do it, while I pretended to be the aggressive dog. Oh, well, I've been called a S.O.B. often enough, and I'm foaming at the mouth too much for my own liking. I questioned each to see if they were comfortable with the information (see previous post) and thought they could act in the prescribed manner if necessary. I corrected them on the eye contact. When someone or something is charging at you, it's quite normal to look right at it or them. It's rather difficult to not look at the charger.Realizing that I was not completely clear, I corrected myself as well as the kids. Of course you were going to look at the one or thing coming at you, but you can do it out of the corner of your eye, or by looking over the dog's head, or it's feet - not squarely in the eye.I don't know why, but looking at an aggressive dog squarely in the eye is most often taken as a hostile challenge by canines. I guess it can be the same with homo sapiens too. I wanted them to have a little more self-confidence should the situation repeat itself. They did seem to 'get it.' On their way out I told them to feel free to let me know if they would like to walk the dog (OK - so you guessed my ulterior motive), and, my curiosity got the best of me - being too closely connected to my shepherd, I guess. Good Sex (did it again)- I mean "Gud Sex" volunteered, with a straight face, no less: "my dad's name is "Mor Sex", pronounced (more sex); and her younger sister, too much sex (sorry,) "Tumuch Sex" followed with : "and our mom's name is "Yes Sex". They're both professional poker players and are away at a tournament for the rest of this week.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

When they calmed down, I told them to withhold that information (their parents' names) from me at least until I could relate the reasons for their visit, lest I, too, become overtaken with hyper-ventilating hysteria. While they were drinking their sodas, I advised them that I was far from a dog expert but nevertheless, should a dog in whatever degree of fervor and of any size charge at you, to stay absolutely still, try to stay absolutely calm (a deep breath and even longer exhale really helps), not look at the dog (absolutely no eye contact), even turning sideways if time permits, not raise their hand in any manner and to remember that any dog will sense whatever degree of anxiety or fear they might have. I pantomimed, in slow motion, what their reaction should be (I couldn't use my dog because she was too comfortably stretched out.) When the aggressive, charging dog stops or starts sniffing and circling (and it will)- still not to look at the dog but take a small step in its direction (yes - toward the dog) with your hands still preferably at your sides. Virtually any dog, again- short of a trained attack dog - will usually calm down. Then, again without looking at the animal and being careful to avoid physical contact take another small step towards the dog. The real secret is in staying calm, perhaps by thinking of some pleasurable experience or good grade. I concluded with: "then, if the dog still proceeds to bite you, I'll be glad to drive you to the hospital to get your stitches." Although those few simple steps have helped me many times I could only hope it would help these five lovely children, whose names by themselves would evoke an infinite variety of reactions from others.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

At my house the next day, after the dog did her ritual smelling of each kid, I said to them that I believed their surname was "Sachs" or "Saks". They corrected the spelling, and introduced the other brother and sister who came back out with Good Sex (sorry -"Gud") yesterday as 14 year old brother, not enough sex, spelled "Knotenuf Sex" and 13 year-old sister "Tumuch Sex",pronounced too much sex. I could not possibly hide the grin (I really kept it from being a smirk), and told them of the trials and tribulations (of which they were all obviously well aware) their names would bring and that under no circumstances was I then going to ask what their parents', or grandparents' names were. That seemingly innocent statement opened up the box (once Pandora's) and all 5 kids broke into such hysterical laughter, simultaneously, as to bring tears to all and sink them to their knees on the dirty carpeting where dog + I sat (being a good host, I gave the children the couch and chairs).

Confused and now curious (and you should have seen how shepherd reacted), but undaunted, I retrieved 5 cans of soda from the fridge and placed them on the cocktail table (the kids were too occupied with their full-blown frolicking to hold them), and again sat down on the floor next to 'Nir Nir Nit' to wait out the maelstrom.