BLAH

These ads for "The Expendables" don't make me want to see it, they just
make me wonder what Tempestt Bledsoe has been DOING for the past N years.

I'm going a little light on the blow-by-blow this week, otherwise this
sucker wouldn't show up until Friday...

WWF ATTiTUDE

INTRo

(what, no little skit in between? Awww...)

PYRo

My God, Backlash is next week?

My God, the Hardys are on Heat?! They must be jonesing for an angle these
days.

HaRDY BoYZ vs. AL SNoW AND STeVE BLaCKMAN

EaRLIER ToDAY

, Snow tried to get Blackman to wear an Easter Bunny suit, to
try going after the "Snow Bunnies" gimmick. Blackman seems to be at the
end of his rope with Snow, and he stalks off. Snow seems disappointed,
but grabs a passing Harvey Whippleman...

Of course this gave the Hardyz a LONG time to get to the ring and pose.

Huge Head Cheese chant as Snow and Matt start -- Blackman is doing his
"angry" look. Matt takes Snow to the Hardyz corner, where they nail him
with their double legdrop. Blackman runs in and gets doublesuplexed --
rollup on Snow from Jeff gets two. Jeff comes off the ropes, but Snow
grabs him in an inverted wheelbarrow position... and flips him up, over,
and back down to the mat face-first!

Blackman in as the Head Cheese chant comes back -- he yells at the crowd
and takes his anger out on Jeff. Jeff gets free, pulls Blackman down by
his hair, and goes for his over the top rope, catching his legs on the
other top rope, flipping splash. Blackman rolls out to the apron, but
Jeff dropkicks him in the back, taking Steve out to the barricade.
Pescado over the top!

Rolled back in, tag to Matt. Matt takes down Steve, then bashes Snow to
the floor. He spends a little too long jawing at Al, allowing Blackman
the chance to dropkick him out as well. Snow grabs Matt, and wheelbarrows
him up and down onto the ramp -- when was the last time you saw two
wheelbarrow moves in the same match? Blackman and Jeff have both come
down as well -- Jeff tries the barricade run, but Steve throws a spinning
back kick and sweeps his legs, sending Jeff to the turf! NICE move.

Blackman rolls back in, and Snow tosses Matt in for a quick two-count.
Doubleteam on Matt and a toss-up chestbreaker gets two for Snow. Matt
mauls him in the corner and tries to make a tag, but Snow drags him back.
Matt gets another chance and tries the Twist of Fate, but he spends too
long going "AOOOHHAAA!" so Snow Northern Lights suplexes him with a bridge
for another two.

Matt down in the center, Snow calls for the finish (no Snow Plow?) and
climbs to the top turnbuckle... moonsault off the top - MISSES! Matt
dragging over -- double tag! Jeff Hardy is on fire! Dropkicks to both
Snow and Blackman! Snow into the corner -- assisted leg lariat! Matt's
up -- and back down again, thanks to a kick from Blackman! But Jeff's
over quickly to keep this from going anywhere.

Jeff whipped into the ropes, Snow's outside and grabs his legs, for
another wheelbarrow (that's three!) into the steel steps! (Ever notice
how Al Snow matches have spots in them that you almost NEVER see outside
of an Al Snow match?) Meanwhile in the center of the ring Blackman has
Matt in a full-nelson. Snow rolls back in... he's winding up... ref
stands there with his thumb up his ass... still winding... makes you
think... and yes, Matt dodges and Snow hits Blackman. (Well, duh.) Matt
takes out Snow... Jeff up on the top turnbuckle, scoop slam for
Blackman... Swanton Bomb! Jesus, he landed on Steve's FACE! Jeff makes
the cover as Matt handles Snow, 1... 2... 3! (Hardyz, 5:20)

Afterwards, Snow says he has a gift for Steve, and calls out... yes,
Whippleman in the bunny suit. Steve Blackman is, oddly enough, unamused.
He yells a bit... and then hits Al Snow with the Lethal Kick! Blackman
beats on Snow for a bit, and then poses. Kevin Kelly: "It's all fun and
games, until your partner beats you up on Heat!"

BaCKSTAGE -- BiG BOSS MaN and BuLL BuCHANAN are at the APA's office, and
they knock, clearly not seeing the sign: "Out to lunch". They knock
AGAIN. (Just look AROUND!) And then... they kick down the door? That's
just TOO FUNNY. Bull and Bossman proceed to trash the place, steal the
APA's cigars, and drink their beer. Kelly -- "They're drinking the
Acolytes' BEER! The BEER! What about the BEER?!" Oddly enough, this is
amusing rather than irritating. (No, really! No sarcasm!)

CoMMERCIAL

MoMENTS AGo

... oh, just go up a line and a paragraph.

LaST THuRSDAY, the Dudleys put Lita through a table. She took that really
well, reminding me of course that they used to WORK together. Lita was
way more butch as Miss Congeniality.

BaCKSTAGE, the APA returns home. They wonder who caused this.

CoMMERCIAL?! WTF? What a waste of a segment!

Thankfully, we come back to a match...

HaRDCORE HoLLY vs. PeRRY SaTURN (with new music!)

Unfortunately, Saturn's new music sucks. It reminds me of the PMS music.
Our announcers tells us that a Fatal Fourway for the Hardcore Belt has
been set for Backlash -- Hardcore, Crash, Saturn and Tazz!

Strangely, this isn't a hardcore match... nice suplex from Holly gets a
quick two. Saturn nails a drop toe-hold into the bottom rope RIGHT in
front of the camera -- and then Holly chucks him outside. Saturn drags
him out by his feet, hits him a bit, and whips him to the post. Crowd is
DEAD, although at least the guys standing next to them seem excited.
Holly whips Saturn to the steps, and then rolls him back in. We get a
replay of the steps collision, and it's stressed that it's SO LOUD! Yeah,
so loud you can even hear it over the deafening silence of the crowd...

Huge clothesline in the corner on Saturn gets another two-count. Saturn
gets control quickly, hitting a over-the-shoulders pop-up facebuster and
getting his own two-count. Both men trading punches in the corner -- ref
tries to get them to stop, so they push him into the turnbuckles? Oh,
don't tell me... yeah, fuck, ref calls for the bell. (DDQ, 2:28) Well,
THAT was a waste.

Both men still brawling though as Saturn clotheslines Holly to the
outside. Saturn's yelling at the ref -- Jimmy Korderas in to plead for
his co-worker, and this distracts Saturn long enough for Holly to bash 'im
inna head with a stop sign. Yeah, that was exciting. Or something.

CoMMERCIAL

WWF BoOT OF THe WeEK -- from SMaCKDOWN - LaST THuRSDAY:

HHH nails the
Rock with the belt, giving Jericho a win, which is somehow a victory for
McMahon-Helmsley. DECIDE AND CONQUER!

Next we get a ReCAP of last Monday night. Which is supposedly the worst
night in HHH's career. I can think of SO many worse with just a SECOND OR
TWO. Whoooo. And I'm getting bored.

Hmmm... last week that was TAKA. Wazzit a screwup? Aw who cares, this
ought to be pretty cool...

The bell rings before Dean is out as Taka and Scotty go at each other.
Huge spinning heel kick from Taka, and Scotty rolls out. Now Dean's out
(and apparently he's inherited the Radicalz music by default) and he
prevents Scotty from getting back IN to the ring. They beat on each other
for a bit -- superkick from Scotty! He rolls in -- charge from Taka --
Taka popped up over the top rope, landing on Malenko! Nice.

Taka rolls Malenko in, then has to run in quick himself to break up a pin
from Hotty. Taka off the ropes... tilt-a-whirl backbreaker from Scotty!
Malenko takes him out and nails Taka with a backdrop for two. Scotty up
on the top, takes down Taka, goes for the cross-body on Malenko, MISSES!
Dean tries to whip Scotty into Taka in the corner -- Taka skips out and
nails him with a spinning heel kick! Now Taka up top... but Scotty's
right there, and crotches him on the turnbuckle!

Action's fast and furious here. Scotty going up... superplex setup... but
Malenko's over, he puts Scotty on his shoulders... backing up... now
Taka's up top again... stacked-up flying cross-body! DAMN! Hotty took
the brunt of that, but Taka's momentum carried him away. All three down,
count is on.

All three up, doubleteam on Scotty -- whipped to the ropes, but he holds
on, so Dean nails Taka with a side Russian legsweep! Scotty over, pins
them BOTH, but (unsurprisingly) only gets two. Malenko up and beating on
S2H, then drops Taka belly-first on the top rope. Taka holds on, only to
get nailed as Scotty misses Malenko and punches Taka in the face. Dean
grabs S2H and hits a HUGE belly-to-back suplex. (Okay, so I *am* doing
play-by-play, sue me.)

Malenko whips Scotty to the corner, then grabs one leg and sweeps the
other. Texas Cloverleaf coming up! But Taka's up on the apron --
slingshot up to the top rope, top rope sunset flip on Malenko! But Taka
can't hold on, and Dean puts the cloverleaf on HIM! Before Taka can tap,
bulldog from Scotty on Malenko! Taka rolls out, and Dean is set up for
the WORM! Crowd loses its mind.

Malenko rolls to the floor, Taka's back in, rushes Scotty who pops him up
and over into a flapjack. S2H goes up to the top, top-rope jumping
facebuster! 1... 2... 3! (Scotty, 4:30) Okay, that TOTALLY makes up for
the last 30 minutes of crap. Hopefully the upcoming APA/Bossmen match
will go well too.

But wait! Before Scotty can dance (much), Malenko waffles him with the
belt from behind! Texas Cloverleaf! Ref's trying to get him to break the
hold... now REFS are trying... Scotty's unconscious (like Malenko gives a
rat's ass). Finally Dean breaks the hold. Play his music! Now THERE's a
heel.

So how come Benoit never uses the Crossface anymore, but Malenko can still
use the Cloverleaf? And why didn't D'Lo bitch about THAT, anyhow?

CoMMERCIAL

That Gauntlet Legends ad is FALSE ADVERTISING! Makes you think it's
four-player! And, well, it IS... on the N64! No PSX multitap support,
those fuckers! BLAAAH!

SToNE CoLD STRiKES -- from SMaCKDOWN, SePTEMBER 1999: Steve Austin
interrupts a perfectly good Tag Team Championship Buried Alive match to
kidnap HHH in an ambulance, and then RAM IT WITH A MACK TRUCK! (And that
was one messed-up match, too... Rock and Sock vs. Big Show and 'Taker...
'Taker was practically a cripple, brawled with Rock to the backstage area
and got attacked by Kane [I think], someone probably attacked Rock too,
then there was that VICIOUS toss of Mankind off the stage, into the grave
by Show... and THEN HHH hit Show with a sledgehammer... and THEN Austin
arrived... whew!)

Hey! WWF INTeRCONTINTAL CHaMPION CHRiS BeNOIT comes out... to chat with
us? How... odd... Say "aboot"! Say "aboot"! Benoit makes me wish I
transcribed interviews. He takes umbrage at Jericho's IC challenge, and
then just goes OFF on him. Hey, he has FOOTAGE! We see him pinning
Jericho for the belt at Wrestlemania. (Remember, in spite of the fact
that Angle was REALLY the champ.) You KNOW Y2J is coming out to rebutt
this. Man, who has Benoit been taking promo lessons from? This is like
TEN times better than he was when he left er... that OTHER company.

Then, as expected, the Y2J countdown hits, and we are graced with the
presence of CHRiS JeRICHO! He says "BENOYT!" and calls Chris the Canadian
Crappler again. Pretty standard Y2J egomaniac speech. Great line from
Cole: "It's about wins and losses, it's not about popularity!" How wrong
you are, how wrong you are...

Benoit accepts Y2J's challenge... and RUSHES him! They're brawling in the
aisle! Refs are out, trying to seperate them... Benoit's down, Walls of
Jericho on the concrete!! Benoit's tapping like a mofo... refs can't get
Y2J to break the hold... finally he lets go and poses on the ramp and the
crowd goes stark raving berserk... Benoit and Jericho meet at Backlash!

Okay, that explains why 'Rooq's wearing satanic tights and Bradshaw's
wearing APA gear. I thought it was gonna be tag-team, couldn't figure out
why the different outfits. I guess they must've seen one of those
"EaRLIER ToNIGHT" clips (like we're seeing right now) and they want
REVENGE. Or, at least, Faarooq does... maybe Bradshaw's tired or
something... hey, why am I complaining, it keeps Bossman out of the ring,
am I right? Am I right?

Is it me or do the Acolytes headline every other Heat? Sure, I could
check, but I'm just too damned lazy...

Faarooq starts off with punches, and they quickly take it outside, with
Bull being whipped to the barricade then thrown back in. Whipped to the
corner... but he's up and out with a clothesline! Backbreaker gets Bull a
two-count.

Faarooq tossed out, Buchanan distracts the ref... but a little too late I
guess, as Bossman backs off before he can do any damage. Bull out as well
with a double axehandle. Both men back in... woah! They announce that
Tazz lost the ECW belt last night! I wonder when they recorded THOSE
lines? They also announce that, as expected, these four men meet at
Backlash.

More corner to corner work from both men, then a sloppy bulldog from
Buchanan in the middle of the ring. Off the ropes... HUGE spinebuster
from Faarooq, and he covers... 1... 2... and Bossman's there to pull
Faarooq out. Into the steel post! But here comes Bradshaw! He beats
down Bossman then rolls him into the ring, where he's unfortunately
quickly doubleteamed. Bossman shoves down Ref Teddy Long, both men
beating on Bradshaw, and then

KABOOM

HOLY SHIT! KANE! HOLY SHIT! KANE!

Out come KaNE and PaUL BeARER. The big red machine moves inexorably to
the ring. Bossman stands his ground as Bull and Bradshaw are brawling
outside near the announce table. Kane in, Bossman ducks the clothesline,
but spins around into THE CHOKESLAM! MONSTER one, too! Arms up... FOUR
CORNER PYRO!

We get a replay of the chokeslam as Bearer gloats and the Bossmen stagger
away... and we are OUT of here!

Oh yeah, (No Decision)

It's very odd. Originally I felt that this was a pretty blah episode, but
seeing it again I enjoyed it quite a bit. I *think* that my original
reaction was due to the CONTINUOUS CRAPPY WEATHER we had for a few days,
but today it was sunny so I'm happy. I mean, damn, I got KANE, BENOIT,
JERICHO, and a kick-ass LHW match. Who am I to complain?