Whitman Wire

Be Scary. Be Safe.
Jack o' Lantern
"My insides are burning... and it's not because of the candle, it's because of the syphilis."
Black Cat
"I don't hiss to be bad luck. I hiss because my genitalia hurts so much."
Phantom of the Opera
"I still have phantom pains from my one night with my angel of ...

by Alex Henke
ACLU lecture deemed too conservative for friendly Whitman turnout
Nadine Strossen, the president of the ACLU, is predicted to deal with a string of heckles and boos during her guest lecture due to her authoritarian standpoint relative to the Whitman average. Due to the sacred unspok...

Whitman's departments: an examination for the parents
Editors Note: We all know Whitman is a wonderful place. However, this weekend you are going to be spoonfed a lot bullshit. Excuse us, bullpoop. We here at the Back Page have compiled a list of lesser known facts about the departments and major...

by Alex Henke
Supreme Court says 'no' to sex toys hearing, 'Thomas has talked enough about them'
The Supreme Court refused to hear a case involving the Texas ban of the promotion of sex toys in the shape of sexual organs on Monday, stating that they'd heard enough about sex toys from Justice Thomas...

Disclaimer:
The contents of this page are entirely fictitious and intended for humorous effect. The resemblance of any actual person, living or dead, is entirely incidental and not meant to hurt or offend any person, place or thing.
Disclaimer 2:
The above disclaimer is entirely real (except for the c...

by Not George Bridges
Dear First Years et al,
First off, I just wanna say: TWO-WESSSSSSSTTTTT!!! (read: D-Section) By now all you Two-Westers have probably figured out that you're in that section for a reason. All your application essays pointed to one undeniable fact. You are all insanely badass. ...

by Alex Henke
Devil offended by all the politician comparisons
The Devil arose from the dreary pits of Hell, Michigan, to clear his name and distance himself from the politicians he has been compared to in the past week. Lover of Jesus, hatred and the snack aisle, Reverend Jerry Fatty Falwell apolo...

This week the Back Page takes a look at the history of our school and of the famed fifth fraternity: Ã¢Ë†â€ TÃ¢Ë†â€ (or Delta Tau Delta for you non-classics major independents out there). What was this mysterious fraternity about? Why did they become disbanded? Do you call measured qua...

by Alex Henke
Bruised and dismayed Republican senators 'reluctantly agree' to implement Bush torture bill
Shortly after leading Republican senators who support a slightly anti-torture bill met with the president in his newly created 'special interrogation' room, each senator returned to Capitol Hill b...

by Stephen Carter & Dru Johnston
Hi First-Years. College can be tough. We should know. We're both fat. So in order to help you through this tough transition, we've compiled a list of some helpful tips that we wish we were given.
Sincerely,
Dru and Stephen
-Do you own a guitar? Play your g...

by Alex Henke
Pro-wealth Christians evangelize in Beirut, terror level rises
A new wave of Americans have reaffirmed their equal love of God and Benzes by taking "evangelivacations" to Beirut, Lebanon and convincing the local population that God wants all Christians to be rich. "Sure, my immortal ...

by George Bridges
Dear First Years et al,
First off, I just wanna say: TWO-WESSSSSSSTTTTT!!!
By now all you Two-Westers have probably figured out that you're in that section for a reason. All your application essays pointed to one undeniable fact. You are all insanely badass. Seriously D-Section, how ...