November 17, 2010

When Bedroom Blunders Get Raunchy

Mistakes happen. We’re not porn stars, we don’t get paid per session and there tend to be kinks in our kinky experimentations. Forgive me for saying it, but most of us don’t look stunning with sex hair. No one exudes grace as they fumble for clothes to avoid putting their cellulite on display on the jaunt to the bathroom. Absolutely no living soul looks like a supermodel when they orgasm; and the cleaning up the aftermath is inevitably awkward. But the reassuring and comforting factor is that, no matter how horrifically embarrassing, you’re probably not alone. Sometimes screwing just leads to screw ups.

Talking about the toe curling, mind-blowing moments might send some green-eyed friends into a jealous coma — except for the ones that are similarly lucking out, of course — which is probably why sharing the less-than-perfect anecdotes tends to make for preferable talking points. (“I’m happy for you … really … your orgasm sounds so phenomenal. Almost as satisfying as that documentary Babies that I drunkenly watched alone in bed!”) Maybe because I haven’t really been on the lucky end of the spectrum in quite some time, I’ve racked up a pretty decent arsenal of stories from personal experience and secondhand t.m.i. tell-all’s of hook-up fuck-ups. What better way to bond with your roommates than to swap stories of teeth-y blow jobs and unexpected tequila regurgitations?

However, I’ve been somewhat lacking in the debacle department these days (well, and the sex department too — correlation?) so I called in the cavalry for a storytelling refresher course. After that, it was just a matter of piecing through the information, finding the overlapping themes and picking my favorite mortifying moments. I managed to narrow it down to three cringe-worthy topics, but I have a gut feeling that a “Top Ten” list is bound to make an appearance eventually. The stories just keep coming…

Botched Blow Jobs

I’m personally of the opinion that oral is a more intimate sexual gesture than bumping uglies in bed. There’s something really unifying about having your face in someone’s crotch. And while I’ll admit that it’s vaguely empowering to give your partner a mattress-gripping, pillow biting, knee-buckling orgasm, the means to the end might not always be so enjoyable. Gag reflexes really throw a wrench into fellatio. Believe it or not, vomiting is not that uncommon in the midst of a blow job. Puke from deep-throat and you’ve got yourself a standard case of cock vomiting. Not to worry though, for $22 you can pick up a tube of “Good Head,” the throat numbing gel that rids you (temporarily, of course) of that pesky gag reflex — available in four delicious flavors: Mystical Mint, Cinnamon, Wild Cherry and Sweet Strawberry. Or you could save yourself a few pennies and pick up some Chloraseptic Sore Throat Spray. Whatever floats your boat. Yum, throat-numbingly good.

Bodily Malfunctions

The truth of the matter is, hand-in-hand with a sizable portion of collegiate sexcapades is the brain-hazing lubricant: alcohol. And with alcohol often comes some unwanted bodily mishaps. Having already mentioned vomit once, I’ll skip that arena of bodily fluids and jump right on over to peeing. While there are those who enjoy a good golden shower, an accidental dousing can really catch an unsuspecting recipient off guard. Going while you’re coming will likely take both you and your partner by surprise. And really, there’s no recovering from that. Sorry. I know of more than one case in which the guy tried to pass the bed-wetting blame, claiming that it was 100 percent, without a doubt, unquestionably his female partner. A girl would know — chalk it up to differences in anatomy. Rule of thumb: where there’s pee (and some dry-as-a-desert lady legs) there’s usually a penis.

Sound Effects

I’m not talking moans of pleasure. Nothing takes your mind off thrusting more than that dreaded, and oh so unavoidable, sound: the queef. Although I’m not quite sure why it happens from a physiological standpoint, some women seem more prone to queefing than others. I tried to do a little Google research, but that only turned up a video of a girl who could do it on command. Well, color me: thoroughly disturbed. In any case, I hope to someday live in a world where those who deem themselves mature enough to have sex will let a little queefing between partners roll right off their sweaty backs without even so much as a guffaw in response.

Essentially, embarrassing moments are an unavoidable side effect of carnal pleasure. The best thing you can do is just laugh it off or ignore it, unless it’s pee or vomit, then you should take care of it pretty much immediately. These three scenarios are really only the tip of the iceberg. Rest assured, if it’s happened to you, then someone else has been embarrassed by a similar situation at one point or another. If you’ve avoided any bumps in the road along the way (maybe not quite to the severity of the mortifying topics mentioned) then congratulations: you are truly a sex god among (wo)men. (“I’m so happy for you, your sex life sounds really incredible. I’d really love to hear more, but the play-by-play of your inhuman bedroom skills happens to be interfering with my Law and Order: SVU watching.”)

The Preacher’s Daughter is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She may be reached at preachersdaughter@cornellsun.com. Decent Exposure appears alternate Thursdays this semester.

Related

Over the past couple weeks, Islamophobia and what one might call “Shariaphobia” have been gaining ground with right wingers in a terrifying way. To provide some background, Sharia law is the religious law governing the life of Muslims, and its principal sources are the Qur’an and the hadith (sayings and deeds of the Prophet Muhammad).