Patience, Young Grasshopper...

...seem to be the root causes of many of the troubles between my wife and I.

Hyperfocus, inattentiveness, difficulties "reading" people, and a wibbley-wobbley sense of time all combine, so that while I might know what I should be doing, I never quite seem to do any of it at the right time.

An example...

Right now, I know that DW is not ready to smooth things over... She's working through years worth of anger and resentment over things that I've done. She dealing with her own guilt over not being able to react better over something that I couldn't entirely control. She's still grieving some over what our marriage could have been like, had things been different. She's in the midst of internalizing the implications of my very recent diagnosis. And all sorts of other things... I know that that will all take a lot of time to work through, and that if I push her too hard, too soon, it'll just make things worse.

It's only been about a month and a half since she moved into a separate bedroom, only a few weeks since I was diagnosed and started medication, and tomorrow is only my second session with my coach. But it feels... like... for... ever... It feels like I'm being patient, because days feel like weeks and weeks feels like months. I keep telling myself that it hasn't been as long as it seems.

The problem seems to happen because I think I've waited long enough (and am impatient to resolve the issue), but haven't or I've mistakenly waited too long. And because I'm hyperfocusing and impatient (because of the distorted time sense), I end up inadvertently bulldozing DW.

Or instead, I wait for a signal from DW that she's ready to talk again... Sometimes, I misinterpret the signal, move in early, and end up bulldozing her again. Sometimes, I misinterpret the signal, and wait too long, inadvertently ignoring her once she's ready. Sometimes, to help me wait, I focus on something else, get hyperfocused on that, and by the time I refocus on her, it's too late and again I've waited too long.

So... how can we get that timing right? How can we deal with that weirdo time-sense, when it comes to waiting? How can we tell for certain when our non-ADHD spouse is ready for us to start talking to them? And especially how, when our non-ADHD spouse has become too frustrated to re-engage us on their own? How and when do we approach them, with out pushing them farther away?

Comments

It's sounds like your wife and I are in a similar situation. Sometimes it's hard to tell when a person is ready to talk, even if you don't have ADHD. Maybe every few days or once a week you could email her, talk to her or write her a note. Keep it short. Just tell her you've been thinking about her, you love her and you'll be there whenever she's ready to talk. And leave it at that. If you're consistent with it, she may eventually start opening up to you, but it will take time. I wish mine had done that for me. Have you talked to your coach about this? He'll be able to help. Good Luck!