Russell Friedman

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask John & Russell

What can I do other than force myself to cry to make people stop worrying about me? (Published 10-18-11)

Q:

I'm 14 and my mom just died. I overheard my school counselors talking and they are worried about me because I haven't cried. I still miss her, but when I cry, it hurts. It makes my eyes burn bad and makes me feel like throwing up. Whenever I got mad or one of my pets died, mom would tell me not to cry cause I'd make myself sick. I don't think I should cry now either. What can I do other than force myself to cry to make people stop worrying about me?

Russell Friedman Replies:

Dear Savannah,

As I started reading your question, the first thing that popped into my mind was to ask you if you normally cry when sad or painful things happen. But before I began to write, you explained why crying is so painful for you.

This is very delicate for me to have to say, but your mom, in an attempt to help you when you were little, created the idea that if you were sad and cried you’d make yourself sick, and now, that’s exactly what’s happening.

Over the years, we’ve helped many people who could not or would not cry, for reasons similar to yours – and sometimes for other reasons.

We don’t try to get them to cry, because “not crying” can be a very strong belief system and also becomes a habit. Even though you’re only 14, you have strong beliefs and habits about sad feelings which affect how you deal with loss.

So rather than trying to get you to cry, we would only encourage you to tell the truth about how you feel. As you said, truthfully, “I still miss her.” That’s all I needed to hear to know that you are emotionally affected by your mother’s death.

I would assume you are sad, as well as missing her, and I’d imagine you have many other feelings as well.

My concern is not whether you ever cry, but whether you try to force feelings to stay inside of you. We personally have known thousands of people who made themselves sick because they didn’t tell the truth about how they felt – with or without crying.

I also have a funny feeling that it might be difficult for you to think about and talk about your mom and the feelings you’re having without crying. And, since crying is so fearful for you, you’re trapped. You have a problem if you don’t cry, and you have problems if you do.

For now, I want you to know that there’s nothing wrong with you. I believe you are a young woman whose heart is broken because her mother died. Please feel free to share this email with your counselors, and if they wish to contact me, I’d be glad to talk with them. I agree with you that it would be a bad idea to force yourself to cry to get them off your back.

Here’s a couple of links to a pair of articles I wrote several years ago, called On Crying Part 1, and On Crying, Part 2.

Also, I would recommend that you get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook [which is available in most libraries]. It will really help you as deal with the dramatic changes in your life caused by your mother’s death.