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Author
Topic: He never told me...One of many lies (Read 8637 times)

I am 38 years old. I have a 20 year old daughter, a 15 year old daughter (from a previous marriage) and now a nine month old son by a man who is HIV positive and never told me.A few months ago I was snooping because I thought he was cheating and I found paper work with his HIV diagnosis. He was diagnosed in 1996. During the pregnancy I was tested 3 times, 1 at my annual in June 2011 at the very beginning of the pregnancy, then in October because I felt he was cheating, then in January 2012 because they test all women towards the end. All those test were negative.

I have made some stupid mistakes with this man from the beginning. The first night the condom broke and me not knowing as much as I'd like to think I know never required one be used after that believing if he had something I would of had it then and there. Once I had all the hiv test during the pregnancy I assumed he was negative too stupid now I know. When The condom broke I had a dicussion with him about status which he reassured me he was negative which was a lie. He also told me he had a vasectomy another lie. Through out this relationship there have been many lies, he cheated with more than one woman and every time I let him convince that he didn't cheat or lie when the truth was right in front of my eyes. I was in love with him and wanted to believe and I was pregnant.Prior to finding out his status I wanted to break up. He had begun starting a lot of arguments with me, mostly about insignificant things. He also started acting really hyper all the time to the point that I was so annoyed everytime he was at my house. But then I would give him a chance because he would find a way to make me laugh and I tried to put up with the other stuff.Now that I know the truth. I have tried to break up with him and I feel threatened into staying in this relationship. He makes comments about running off with my son. He becomes argumentative and wants to always put my son in the middle. I don't trust him at all and do not want him to take my son anywhere. If I make it seem that we're going to work everything out he doesn't stress me so much about my son. But he still starts these arguments.I've been kinder than I have to be given what he has done. I've tried to forgive him and be nice to him although he deceived me and put my life at risk. I have tried to understand (although I don't understand) why he would not disclose to me. I feel like a prisoner or a slave. I was raped when I was 15 and now I feel like I got raped again. I wasn't given a choice. Since I found out his status I have had 3 antibody tests a antigen test and a PCR test, everything was negative and my son is negative thank God but it was still wrong what he did.Everything I am reading lately about the laws seems to be heading more and more toward protecting the person with hiv. Which yes I took a risk but I don't think he had the right to do what he did. He never tried to protect me or many other women. Will some one please tell me what my rights are here, can I prosecute him? I'm tired of living like this...

Rod Dan; Welcome to the forums and it is good to hear that you and your son have tested negative.

In terms of prosecution, I have no idea - but perhaps the more immediate issue is removing yourself from this unhealthy relationship. I understand that getting out of abusive relationships is easier said than done - and much easier to give the advice than to act on the advice. It may help to get some individual counseling to help extract yourself from this situation.

Rod, the criminalisation of hiv is a big problem - because it is often what's behind people refusing to disclose their hiv status. It also prevents people from getting tested because laws that prosecute people with hiv effectively turn us into potential criminals for simply doing what most human beings do at some point - have sex.

His hiv status has nothing to do with him threatening to kidnap your child. It would seem to me that your best recourse would be to have a restraining order taken out against him on the basis of his threats. Again, this has nothing to do with his hiv status.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not condoning his lack of disclosure. HOWEVER, it is not a criminal matter, it's a moral one.

At the end of the day, it's YOUR responsibility to protect your health by insisting on condoms until you've been in a securely monogamous relationship where you have BOTH tested negative for hiv and other STIs as well.

And in the case of a condom break, it's also your responsibility to get checked out afterwards, rather than just assuming the worst has already happened and carry on condomless afterwards.

You've come out of this hiv negative. It's time to cut your losses and get out of the relationship (it sounds like he'd be a loser regardless of his hiv status). Get the law involved ONLY to protect your son against being kidnapped and to protect yourself from any possible violence from this man. This has NOTHING to do with his hiv status.

By the way, I deleted the posts you left in the Woman's forum. As someone who is not hiv positive, you are only permitted to post in this forum, the Am I Infected? forum and the Off Topic forum. Keep in mind that the OT forum is ONLY for subjects that have nothing to do with hiv.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Through out this relationship there have been many lies, he cheated with more than one woman and every time I let him convince that he didn't cheat or lie when the truth was right in front of my eyes. I was in love with him and wanted to believe and I was pregnant.

There are a couple of things that you talk about in your post that hit home for me. So I thought I would comment to empathize with you. For example the above. I was 14 years with a liar. At the end, when so many of his lies were revealed, his lies and manipulations and threats INCREASED. (So, please be careful. You both know now that he lies. That is why "threat" has entered the relation. Its a dangerous power game.)

This mess of fakeness and this messy end of the relation pretty much tore me apart.

There were three VERY difficult challenges that presented at that point. Maybe this will strike home for you.

1) Why does someone lie so much? Why are there such lying people in the world? And to boot - they lie to people they probably care about (they do care, most liars. only a few pathological liars are also "psychopaths" or criminal narcissists, i think.) How am I ever going to trust anyone. etc etc.

2) Why did I let myself believe the lies. Why did I get involved with someone like this. What is my responsibility for the crap fear danger sadness my life is now filled with? Am i self-destructive?

3) Even knowing what I know, how come I still have feelings for him? How am I going to deal with him (the actual person) - and my feelings for him - going forward? - Because i must leave, and i must never go back to him . But he's not going to disappear from existence because....

(well for me because we had all the same friends and live in the same city and have joint property. And for you... because..... obviously your son together... and what else...)

You can't change him. You must get him out of your daily life and remove any control he has over you.

As Ann points out, its a tangent, and a moral landmine, to be pursuing the HIV angle on this. Yeah that sucks his nondisclosure. Just further evidence to please get him out of your life, and avoid such tangled up relationships in the future. Getting him out of your life and avoiding such relationships are your responsibility and also, they are possible. Changing him is not possible.

Rely on YOUR friends, your family, and a therapist/social worker, to help you through this. You deserve a more straightforward life and relationship. Everyone does.

« Last Edit: December 12, 2012, 07:48:13 AM by mecch »

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Thank you everyone for the advice... Im just so scared. He does things that make me feel that he is in denial or just doesn't care and I dont want him to do anything to try to infect me or my son... I'm terrified of him and I feel like if I try to get an order of protection he will try to hurt me. I don't trust that he will take proper precautions. I want him completely removed from our lives. He has had hiv for 17 years and numerous relationships he has 9 children by 8 different women and various other women he's been with. I called one of his recent ex's and he never told her either and had unprotected sex with her. I believe he infected his ex wife based on the story he tells about her. He told me everything except that, which now seems to make the story make sense. I think in part this does have to do with his status. When the condom broke I immediatley got tested and asked him to go, which he agreed to but then changed plans at the last minute. We had numerous conversations about it and every time he lied. I have been getting tested routinely every year since 1992. I take it seriously. I just don't think its fair for someone like him to be roaming the street looking for sex where ever he can find it and being so irresponsible. I know one mistep can change ones life forever and I have been extremely lucky but he is making choices for others that he does not have the right to. At what point does he have a moral and legal responsibility?

I live in New York...The research I've done is so confusing...misdemeanor, aggravated assault and reckless endangerment. Then I read stuff that says no charge or its up to the descretion of the Judge based on the circumstances. I think that his intent is to infect others. I don't think its purely sexual. I'm afraid to pursue legal action because if he gets a slap on the wrist my life will be hell afterwards.

I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around your story . The headline here should be I'm getting a divorce instead of I'm wanting to prosecute my husband .

The fact is he didn't infect you with HIV so I cant understand why you are fixated on this aspect instead of looking for a good divorce attorney .

It also strikes me odd that you are married to a man that you freaked out about a broken condom with and instantly asked him his HIV status . I'm only bringing this up to illustrate that things are not right and you have much to think about here other than HIV .

Take HIV infection out of the equation and what would you be left with?

As someone who was constantly put through the wringer by the court system because of my HIV status, I can only view this as a way of getting the upper hand in custody/child support issues.

I hope that's not your intent, but if it is; that is as morally wrong as you accuse your spouse of being. Just my opinion, but I lived this nightmare for a long time. I was required to have supervised visitation for a long time for no other reason than the fact that I was HIV positive.

He and I are not married. I tried to forgive him and stay in a relationship with him but he is extremely argumentative all the time in front of my son and very hyper in a weird way. This has been a traumatic experience for me. I have never been so afraid in my life and like I said I am very lucky there wasn't a different outcome. But he tells me to get over it when I ask questions and its only been 3 months. Things happened with him and I quickly, we were dating for a few months, the condom broke, I got pregnant, I asked him to get tested and he did not. I'll be sleeping and he'll come and pull my pajamas down quickly and rub against me and I've wiped precum off of my leg. He does it in a forceful way and he sneaks up on me. That's not right, is he trying to infect me? Then he threatens to take my son when I break up with him. I want to break up because of the deception not the hiv. When I told him I considered seeking legal advice he told me if I went to the authorities he would kill me... I don't know if my previous posts were not clear. I'm afraid of him and what he might do. If he were a different person an honest person I would still love him even though he is hiv positive. But he has turned into someone I am afraid of and I realize everything happened quickly and I didn't realize who I was dealing with. My intent is not a custody thing I am really afraid of this man and what he is capable of.

...and I will add that rather than investing further energy in thinking about legal action against him for not having disclosed his status, you'd be better off getting on with your life and you're children's as well.

If you are under some kind of threat then of course you can report that to the police. Or the appropriate court. Otherwise I would say that instead of focusing on your anger that moving on in your life would be a healthier and more productive approach to take.

I apologise for getting my facts wrong , I should have said significant other or boy friend .

I'm afraid Dachs is right , this forum is full of caring people that can offer support but only you can do what you need to do to stop the abuse . If you are truly afraid for yourself and your children's life this is a matter for social services and the family court in NY . If this man threatend your life I would run , not walk to the proper authority . If coming here was for moral support and to get the advice to protect yourself consider it done , the advice is go seek protection today .

Also some of the way you describe him is kind of a stereotype of the "AIDS MONSTER" who is running around infecting people.You realize we are all HIV+ and we have heard this myth too many times. Also, it seems like you are saying you are worried he is going to infect your kid or you. Its not clear this stuff about "taking proper precautions". If you are not having unprotected sex with him, then you are also not at risk of HIV by him being around. If he is messing sexually with your kid or is threatening to do that - then you go to the police obviously.

Also, precum on your leg is not a risk of transmission. But why is he sexually abusing you if you don't want it? He's threatening you so you go along? What a mess.

Also, it sounds like he has fathered all those children during his many years HIV+ - 16 you say? Elephant on the room is - maybe he is on effective treatment and has no viral load. But then you say he infected an ex of his, another women he made a kid with? But what about all the other exes? So many questions.

This is really a complex story with this guy! Please get him out of your life. Thank your lucky stars you and your kid aren't hiv+. You can't do anything about him. YOu can't do anything about his trail of wronged women either. Take care of yourself.

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

The precum only got on my leg because I woke up and moved. If I didn't jump and move at that moment it would gotten on my vagina. I think he is an aids monster...If a person puts another person at risk and exposes them over and over again theyre a monster. They do not have the right to do that. I am negative and I am lucky but I should have still been given a choice. If he consistently used condoms and stopped and got a new one as soon as it broke that would be a different story. In my opinion people living with hiv do not have to disclose to everyone they have sex with if they consistently use protection correctly. But he did not do that... what if the outcome were different? what about all the others who have been infected by a loser like him? As far as my son goes he is teething and his gums bleed and I asked him not to feed him from his mouth because he has been having dental work and he too is having bleeding gums but he totally ignores me and keeps on. Then he does weird things like makes up nursery ryhmes about my sons foreskin, and is always talking about his penis and I know this all sounds crazy because it is. Its very worriesome and stressful. I dont care if some one is on effective medication and they think that they cant transmit the virus that way. He can not make that choice for me. I have to. He needs to disclose and either I accept or I dont. Not lie to me over and over that you're negative and expose me over and over you because you think your meds are working. Just put on a condom and its a non issue

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

Being a woman, I totally understand the cycle of violence. I was infected by my first husband. I was more angry at him for dying than for infecting me. And he was abusive. But from what I understand, your boyfriend if more verbally threatening, no?

Only you can stop this if he truly is scaring you. You need to go to the police and whatever family justice system is in NY. Blaming him for possibly infecting you is null and void. I do not blame my first husband for my infection. It's too self defeating and a non issue. What you do from here on out is what counts. If you're being abused, get help. But please do not go on and on about a possible "infectious" encounter. Didn't happen. End of it.

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I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Rod, change your locks. Move, if possible. Get a restraining order out against him. Do everything possible to get him out of your life. Not because of hiv, but because he sounds like a psychopath - with or without hiv.

You said he was diagnosed in '96 and if that's true, then he is most likely on meds with an undetectable viral load. That's quite possibly why you didn't get infected. No, it doesn't make it right that he hid his hiv from you, it just makes the situation make more sense.

This really isn't about hiv. It's about being in an abusive relationship that you need to get out of. I wish we could be of more help, but we can't. Only you can do what needs to be done to get him out of your life.

Does he ever threaten you via texts or over the internet somehow? Save what he's written. If he's only threatening you verbally, figure out how to tape the conversation. Has he ever threatened you in front of other people? Find out if they're willing to back you up. Another tack would be to phone a friend when he's threatening you and have them listen in. You can arrange this so that you don't even have to speak to the friend, you can have them on speed-dial so he wouldn't even know that you've made a call. Alternatively, get the number of a cop/detective who would be willing to listen in when he's threatening you.

Get some hard evidence and take it to the authorities. Get a restraining order and keep your phone by your side at all times so you can ring the cops if and when he defies the order.

Can you stay with your mother or other relative or friend for a few weeks? Go. Can't do that? Go to a women's shelter. Move heaven and earth to get this man out of your life.

This really isn't about hiv. It's about being in an abusive relationship that you need to get out of. I wish we could be of more help, but we can't. Only you can do what needs to be done to get him out of your life.

Like Betty, I also understand being in an abusive relationship and how scary it can be to break away. But you have to do it and - you CAN do it. Please do.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I'm beginning to think that this is more about HIV, or should I say a worried well obsessing about HIV, than it is about abuse. Pre-cum, bleeding gums and broken condoms has AM I written all over it and probably is where this thread should be posted. Could be wrong but that's my take on it.

Thank you everyone for the advice and the push to get out of a bad situation. I'm going to get the evidence I need and do what I need to do.

and its not obsessing to expect someone to take the proper precautions when dealing with their child and doing everything in their power to protect that childs health and well being. It becomes abusive when one has a careless disregard and proceeds as if they are not infected. i.e. trying to rub precum on an uninfected persons vagina, having dental work done that caused your gums to bleed and then feeding your teething baby whose gums are also visibly bleeding... obsessing??? really??? worried ABSOLUTLEY

and its not obsessing to expect someone to take the proper precautions when dealing with their child and doing everything in their power to protect that childs health and well being. It becomes abusive when one has a careless disregard and proceeds as if they are not infected. i.e. trying to rub precum on an uninfected persons vagina, having dental work done that caused your gums to bleed and then feeding your teething baby whose gums are also visibly bleeding... obsessing??? really??? worried ABSOLUTLEY

Everyone agrees the guy should be disclosing.

Nobody wants this guy rubbing his precum on anyone, or sexually harassing or abusing anyone. Obviously.

And, its just repulsive what you are describing out his bleeding mouth and chewing your baby's food. Why on earth would you let him do that under ANY circumstances, anyway? Why would he want to? He hates the kid?

Too many questions.

We'll end up going in circles here if you want us to affirm the monster and pathological in this guy -- as all the information we have about him is filtered though you, so we don't know him.

Yep, he sure sounds like a bad dude.

But as I explained to you, we are all HIV+ here and nobody here has any patience for half told stories about aids monsters and farfetched transmission fears. The most important thing you can do is remove this man from your life.

If down the road, a court gives him visitation rights, make sure you are THOROUGHLY up to date about HIV transmission, to put your mind at ease.

Also, if the guy is an idiot and he himself doesn't know about transmission risks, you could probably make sure a lawyer, social worker, or doctor explain things to him. And set strict limits on what will and will not be acceptable behavior in any future contact with this man.

I feel personally if you want to pursue the "HIV and the law" angle to this situation, well that's your prerogative.

I doubt anyone here can tell you its a good idea, "yes yes go ahead and lynch the monster."

If you are rational about that possibility - first thing you do is pay for a lawyer's advice to ask if you personally have any chance of pursuing something. If there is a "yes", then next a lawyer and police will explain the next steps. And its a quagmire, a shit-storm, unlikely to solve your real problems.

Concentrate on priorities - getting away from him. After you have been secure for awhile, you can reopen this whole legal angle and see if it means anything to you anymore.

Harassment, abuse, threats, thats your leverage to use in getting away, protection orders, etc etc. Last time I checked, you don't need any of that to simple break up and distance yourself from a partner.

Is the issue financial? No place or no money or both - to break up and get away?

I told you the story of my lying partner. The first and most important thing I did was action - breaking up and cutting all contact - keeping it to the bare minimum on required business.

After I removed myself, my mind rolled over and over and over -- my anger for the lies, the disrespect, the blackmail. My anger at myself. My pain, loss, etc etc etc. But that emotional stuff all takes time my dear. You can't even start to heal and sort out all the issues until the poison is removed from your life.

The rolling thoughts (ruminative thinking) did NOTHING productive. It was a bunch of projection. I eventually even took medicine to help control them and medicine and time and therapy worked.

Displacing energy. Projecting energy -- onto one "story" of "betrayal" one facet of "immorality" or "depravity" -- as if getting justice for the "wrong" or protecting the next victim, or notifying everyone what a low-down scum he is, including the previous victims, is going to help you. Doesn't solve your problems. Wastes energy. And it can rub off on you. Flail around, incorrectly and therefore unsuccessfully seeking justice for past wrongs to you, or "protection" of others who haven't asked for it anyway. Showing yourself off bitter and eventually people not believing the monster stories anyway.

In a perfect world, we have the money to put this all in a lawyer's hands, to do what is possible, while we take the high road, find a new calm and security and optimism, and heal ourselves and move on.

Please don't waste your precious energy on dead ends and unproductive pursuits. Your energy has probably been layed low and you'll need it for your own healing and for raising your son.

« Last Edit: December 13, 2012, 11:42:01 AM by mecch »

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“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

I know that most of the people here have hiv that is why I asked for advice here... I figured most of the people would have more knowledge about the laws and what can be done. I'm not trying to crucify someone because they have hiv and didn't tell me but a sane person with hiv does not go spreading himself around and terrifying negative people. Its not right....Everyone at some point gets caught up in a moment of passion hiv or not at some point in their lives but exposing someone over and over again NO! I don't know maybe some of you don't remember how terrified you were when you were first diagnosed or found out you were exposed. Its scary. Yes I should go after him because I feel threatened and abused and I am mustering up the courage and a plan to do it in the safest way for me and my family. but I also think he should have some legal responsibilty for knowingly exposing me and others over and over again without caring. Would you/do you do that? thats the difference.Thanks for all your help even the ones that imply that I'm lying about the crazy nonsense he is doing....I keep hearing "get an order of protection" which is a piece of paper. Does anyone know how many people have been murdered after they got one of those because it angered the abuser. Also I'm hearing break up and get him out of your life when I break up the arguing and drama gets worse...I have no where to run to and I don't care about the money but getting someone out of your life that you have a child with is not s simple as just telling them to go away if it were it would have been done already.

I'm trying to be as respectful to you as I hope you would be to me ... but you have been given the best heartfelt advice this forum has to offer . If you are in danger , you need to seek assistance and do what ever it takes to remove you and your kids from it .

This is an HIV support forum for people living with HIV , so as a person who hasn't lived with HIV you are going to have to accept that constantly bringing up disclosure and trying to get us to help you figure out how to prosacute your baby's father is going to get nowhere fast in this forum .

If you need to learn how HIV is transmitted , its in the lessons section , if you think you have been exposed there is the AM I Infected forum where you can ask a few questions before you have to sign up for a paid account . Im wishing you the best but I dont know what else to tell you .

We have no more knowledge of the law than you do. You could easily access that information online without your boyfriend ever knowing if you really wanted to. There are agencies that will discuss this with you without you divulging your name until you are ready to make that move. However, we are not willing to assist you in prosecuting someone who is HIV positive just based on what you tell strangers online. Even if we did tell you what to do according to the "law" it sounds like you aren't ready to hear it. Hopefully you can talk to someone who can help you, but I don't think this forum can do that.

Thanks for all your help even the ones that imply that I'm lying about the crazy nonsense he is doing....I keep hearing "get an order of protection" which is a piece of paper. Does anyone know how many people have been murdered after they got one of those because it angered the abuser. Also I'm hearing break up and get him out of your life when I break up the arguing and drama gets worse...I have no where to run to and I don't care about the money but getting someone out of your life that you have a child with is not s simple as just telling them to go away if it were it would have been done already.

I fail to see how any of this has anything to do with HIV. His status is not the reason he is abusive towards you and your child. If he has been abusive towards you in the past what have you done to document it (police reports, etc..)? If, as you say, there is no where to run and there is no help from the law.... well, I know what I would do. I'd become a rabid beaver and chew him a new asshole. And, that's putting it nicely.

Thanks again everyone...I would only hope and pray that people with hiv still know the difference between right and wrong... People who consistently use protection and do not expose others carelessly should be free from prosecution. People who repeatedly expose others whether its for sexual gratification or with intent to infect others should be punished.

Thank to you too Skeebo... I'm going to work on getting plenty of proof so that I can handle this in the appropriate manner. If that doesn't work the fearful one is usually the one to be feared. I'll figure it out.Take care everyone and I wish you all the best.

You are right to feel anger and to be upset. No one should have to go through what you've experienced.

Didn't you sing a swan song a while ago? How very peculiar that you should return only to comment on this thread.

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"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

This forum has a lot of valuable information for all people but this thing of we have hiv and you don't so don't say anything to offend us is a little ridiculous... A lot of people on here talk a lot about respecting others opinions and listen to the other side but they themselve are not trying to understand the other side or show genuine empathy... I am a woman that has prayed regularly for a cure and for people to show compassion for those with this disease. I have worn my red ribbon proudly since high school in memory of two friends that passed due to this illness. HIV affects everyone.But just because someone carries a gun doesn't mean they should go around shooting people and just because someone was riddled with bullets and survived doesn't mean I want to get shot or shot at even if it missed.Peace out party people!

This forum has a lot of valuable information for all people but this thing of we have hiv and you don't so don't say anything to offend us is a little ridiculous... A lot of people on here talk a lot about respecting others opinions and listen to the other side but they themselve are not trying to understand the other side or show genuine empathy... I am a woman that has prayed regularly for a cure and for people to show compassion for those with this disease. I have worn my red ribbon proudly since high school in memory of two friends that passed due to this illness. HIV affects everyone.But just because someone carries a gun doesn't mean they should go around shooting people and just because someone was riddled with bullets and survived doesn't mean I want to get shot or shot at even if it missed.Peace out party people!

I fail to see your logic, especially when you use that tired trope of a loaded gun in a discussion about criminalizing HIV. As noted by Thomas, your case reads more like a situation of domestic abuse. You're trying to turn this into a poz=evil discussion.

This latest reply from you is rather offensive. It is not surprising then that you're not gonna get much advice from the members of this forum. So it is understandable if you feel like you need to seek those answers elsewhere.

Peace out to you. Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya!

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"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

People who consistently use protection and do not expose others carelessly should be free from prosecution.

That works both ways. You didn't "consistently use protection" either. Take some responsibility in this. Going by your own logic, you should also be prosecuted for not using protection, thereby exposing yourself to god knows what. It's your body, your responsibility.

I hope you learn from this going forward and you start insisting on condoms every time, all the time. This will take care of two things - no more abusive baby-daddies and no more worries about hiv.

Learn how to use condoms correctly and make sure they're being used correctly. Read the condom and lube links in my signature line. A correctly used condom rarely breaks.

I don't see what else we can do for you here. This isn't really an hiv situation in any way, and this certainly isn't about "Someone I Care About", which is the main criteria for posting in this forum.

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

I've read your thread and some of the advice you've been given is important. By the way, I'm not a "party people" so give me just a second.

Set all thinking about HIV aside. Your priority is your child and then, you, in order to make sure your child is safe, fed and warm.

Get an appointment with the service agency suggested above or another of your choosing.

Let them help you relocate as quickly as possible. Keep a low profile at home and with family/friends about your intentions.

I mean no offense whatsoever but the pursuit of your baby's daddy, legally, is not only not worth the time, money and stress you cannot fathom, but it reads as if you will guarantee in that process that he will hunt you down no matter where you live.

You would be better off concentrating on how to get out and have sole custody pronto so there are no more pre-chewed food settings (not bad, but if he's got actively bleeding gums, not good), nor haunting mentions of the baby's foreskin, etc.

Shed all the what if's and get right down to the essentials of making sure you and your baby are alive and well and re-established elsewhere -- even if that means somewhere other than NYC.

Point of clarification -- not any one here nor the sum total of us equals party people. You received a variety of opinions. You get to pick what to act on.

I strongly suggest that you not log on to any computer again until you've sought someone who's trained to help women with children in abusive settings and with economic restrictions. That person will likely also advise you that the legal issues you need to pursue are protection from abuse, sole custody (which may not be as difficult in that the two of you are not married) and whatever else you're entitled to in order to get stabilized. Your former partner has HIV and a host of problems that are his burden to solve-- you stand a good chance of putting your life, and your child's life on track.

Please pick up this thread in a month and let us know who you've let into your life to begin helping you. You cannot do it alone and you can no longer fantasize about moving forward. Make a short list and make that first call today.

Thank you Emeraldize. I am working on getting the help I need.Didn't mean to offend anyone...Party people is just an expression. We're all a party to this thread like a party of 4 sits down for dinner at a resteraunt... Just an expression.

Again my words get twisted here... I admitted myself that I made studpid mistakes and thought that once the condom broke there was no point in using one. Since then I have learned that just because I have unprotected sex with some one with hiv doesn't mean I will get infected.But lets be clear here.. I knew my status - and he knew his status + and lied about it. Yes I should have consistently used condoms but I stupidly thought that if he had something I would have already caught it now I know differently... Then he tells me he's neg, tells me we'll get tested and was a no show on the day of, tells me he had a vasectomy (another lie). I then got tested again and again and it was all negative. I was ignorant to think he was ok based on my results but I did... But why do people on this thread think he has no responsiblity for his actions??? I should be prosecuted for making an honest mistake? and he shouldn't for being completely dishonest and making a choice to expose me knowing his status??? Really where is the logic or humanity in that?? I guess people only care about others on here if they have hiv. oh well such is life.

Thank you Emeraldize. I am working on getting the help I need.Didn't mean to offend anyone...Party people is just an expression. We're all a party to this thread like a party of 4 sits down for dinner at a resteraunt... Just an expression.

Again my words get twisted here... I admitted myself that I made studpid mistakes and thought that once the condom broke there was no point in using one. Since then I have learned that just because I have unprotected sex with some one with hiv doesn't mean I will get infected.But lets be clear here.. I knew my status - and he knew his status + and lied about it. Yes I should have consistently used condoms but I stupidly thought that if he had something I would have already caught it now I know differently... Then he tells me he's neg, tells me we'll get tested and was a no show on the day of, tells me he had a vasectomy (another lie). I then got tested again and again and it was all negative. I was ignorant to think he was ok based on my results but I did... But why do people on this thread think he has no responsiblity for his actions??? I should be prosecuted for making an honest mistake? and he shouldn't for being completely dishonest and making a choice to expose me knowing his status??? Really where is the logic or humanity in that?? I guess people only care about others on here if they have hiv. oh well such is life.

It's not so that all whom we care about here are people with HIV. We cannot give you chapter and verse of our whole life stories that trickle down to the bits of advice, some of it stern, that we give.

Try to trust us. Yes, he should have been more truthful with you -- but he wasn't and you are so incredibly lucky. All we're trying to do is encourage you to recognize what happened, how to protect yourself from ever coming this close again to joining us and don't spend any money or time trying to pursue him legally. Chances are extremely high no one would even take your case and further the burden of proof on you to prove intent to infect you and you were not ultimately infected would be beyond your wildest dreams. Being in a lawsuit is like having a part-time job and being hooked up to a pump of adrenaline. Put all that time into creating your new life.

It's okay to have your own opinion about what happened. No one here has to agree with your perspective. What I think we can all agree upon is that you are a lucky woman with a healthy child. Run as fast as you can to that bright future for your little family. Please.

Again my words get twisted here... I admitted myself that I made studpid mistakes and thought that once the condom broke there was no point in using one. Since then I have learned that just because I have unprotected sex with some one with hiv doesn't mean I will get infected.But lets be clear here.. I knew my status - and he knew his status + and lied about it. Yes I should have consistently used condoms but I stupidly thought that if he had something I would have already caught it now I know differently... Then he tells me he's neg, tells me we'll get tested and was a no show on the day of, tells me he had a vasectomy (another lie). I then got tested again and again and it was all negative. I was ignorant to think he was ok based on my results but I did... But why do people on this thread think he has no responsiblity for his actions??? I should be prosecuted for making an honest mistake? and he shouldn't for being completely dishonest and making a choice to expose me knowing his status??? Really where is the logic or humanity in that?? I guess people only care about others on here if they have hiv. oh well such is life.

It's when you bounce back to this logic that makes me wonder about the abuse. It's like you are trying to paint him as being a bad person simply because he has HIV. You seem like you are fixated on this aspect more so than the abuse that you claim is taking place.

I hope this is not the case, because if you are trying to take his child away from him because he is positive then shame on you.

You are conveniently mixing the two issues here.

If my child was in danger, there is nothing else I would worry about other than getting them out of that situation as quickly as possible. Beating around the bush, about his status... what the hell difference does that make?

Hi, Skeebo I guess you would have to read the whole entire thread.. I orginally came here for advice about him not disclosing and if I had any recourse but I told a lot about everything that is going on. Im not bouncing back just responding to comments people have made... Part of me is venting too. I really don't have anyone to talk to about any of this.

Hi, Skeebo I guess you would have to read the whole entire thread.. I orginally came here for advice about him not disclosing and if I had any recourse but I told a lot about everything that is going on. Im not bouncing back just responding to comments people have made... Part of me is venting too. I really don't have anyone to talk to about any of this.

I've read the the thread a couple of times. As a parent myself, and myself being raised in an abusive relationship, I don't take this issue lightly. You are a victim of abuse, his status and yours has very little to do with what is going on. The rubbing of precum means nothing here.

Now, with that said, I can understand the helpless situation that you are in. If I were you I would try to focus my energy towards getting my child in a safe environment as quickly as possible. Emeraldize's advice should be followed.

If I were being abused ... and I have been before , I would be quietly and quickly getting myself out of the situation with as little fanfare as possible instead of on the internet researching ways to make my abuser pay for what he did . When I feared for my safety I left and wanted no more contact with the person except to have him informed if he came near me again he would be arrested .

You were lied to , he didn't give you HIV . I think you are totally , and I hope its not willfully ignoring the point . This forum will never endorse the willful spreading of HIV period . What you seem to be ignoring is the best advise and that's to get this man out of your life asap .

JG maybe you should stop reading what you want from my posts that is why I have ignored all of yours... You definetly need to read everything in its entirety before you respond... I guess you're lucky to have been able to remove yourself.... Sometime that is easier said than done... You assume I can just pick up and go somewhere else. So having an abuser arrested and sent to jail is not making some one pay for what they did? they should have to pay for all aspects of what they did wrong intentionally, when they have a careless disregard for others.And you keep saying "he didn't give you hiv" as if that means its ok what he did... What if the outcome were different, what if the others weren't as lucky... I thought one of the goals is to curb the spread of hiv... His actions have the potential to undermine that.I know its hard for some but please try to make some sense when you respond to me. It would help for you to read and understand everything not try to make me out to be a person who is just trying to convict someone because of their status.

I have read it all . Its now clear from your last post what you really want and that's to prosacute your soon to be ex . Its rich that you accuse me of only getting what I want from your post because its you that's not hearing what others have said ... and for the record , everything I have said to you is very much in line with the general consensus . I don't write this stuff for fun , I actually care deeply for what others are going through . Ignore me all you want but be sure I will still be posting when you accuse the forum of not caring about protecting HIV negative people from becoming POZ .

It wasn't easy for me either , I was homeless and dependant on others until I could get back on my feet , it took awhile but my safety was worth the effort .

You said it yourself, you really aren't interested in finding solutions, you're only interested in venting. If you were really interested in stopping the spread of HIV you would report this guy. Wouldn't you report someone shooting a gun at you? It's all the same to you. Maybe you should spend the time you are online here to try and get some help. I'm going to ask the mods to lock this thread and hopefully you can try to use your time to get the help you need.

JG maybe you should stop reading what you want from my posts that is why I have ignored all of yours... You definetly need to read everything in its entirety before you respond... I guess you're lucky to have been able to remove yourself.... Sometime that is easier said than done... You assume I can just pick up and go somewhere else. So having an abuser arrested and sent to jail is not making some one pay for what they did? they should have to pay for all aspects of what they did wrong intentionally, when they have a careless disregard for others.And you keep saying "he didn't give you hiv" as if that means its ok what he did... What if the outcome were different, what if the others weren't as lucky... I thought one of the goals is to curb the spread of hiv... His actions have the potential to undermine that.I know its hard for some but please try to make some sense when you respond to me. It would help for you to read and understand everything not try to make me out to be a person who is just trying to convict someone because of their status.

I might be able to believe you are only trying to protect your family, if you were not so fixated on putting this guy in jail. I don't believe you because of your unbridled hatred for this guy and I think, that you will only be satisfied, when he is punished for what you believe to be his horrible actions. You have no idea what he has done with other people, only what has happened between the two of you. He did not infect you, yet you want him punished... for what? For you not demanding that condoms be used, each and every time, or for the fact that he lied?

For someone who claims to be abused, you don't seem to be doing anything to make your family secure and you demean any suggestions on how to use the law to protect your family. Having survived domestic violence myself, the last thing I wanted to do, was to have anything to do with my abuser. However, my abuser was not the father of my son. I cannot help but to feel that your only goal here, is to get this guy arrested, so he can be removed from your sons life, not because he is a bad father, but because he has hurt you and you hate him.

I cannot help but to feel that your only goal here, is to get this guy arrested, so he can be removed from your sons life, not because he is a bad father, but because he has hurt you and you hate him.

Exactly. I am having a hard time seeing how this thread fits in the "Someone I Care About..." forum. The OP doesn't really care about this man. Her only apparent goal is to get the approval and guidance from a bunch of pozzies on how to send his ass to jail. That is NOT what this forum was intended for.

This is gonna go nowhere.

Logged

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Every once in a while variations on this subject turn up. They always seem to take the same direction, meaning passionate and inflexible positions that become increasingly virulent.

Opinions have been expressed here this time as in the past. I'm making an evaluation here that the trend indicates that once again this is not evolving in any progressive way.

With that in mind I am locking this thread. People feel how they feel. And I don't want to see an attempt to go round this lockdown by someone starting a new thread that is basically about the same issue.