Vikings @ Cardinals

We all know who Minnesota is as a team and what you can count on them to do. The Vikings are competent against equal or lesser teams, but they cannot rise to the occasion against the elite. You know the Packers would beat them last week. You know the Cardinals will beat them this week. In big games, Minnesota turtles back into their shell with a conservative game plan. They’ll do something stupid like keep Adrian Peterson on the bench for long stretches of the game or run him out of the shotgun formation. Teddy Bridgewater is decent, but he can’t carry the Vikings without collapsing. Mike Zimmer and Norv Turner know that too and the imposed restrictions are evident. With the surprising amount of speed on Minnesota’s offense, it’s a shame the Vikings didn’t give someone like Tyrod Taylor a chance because their best asset (game-breaking speed) can’t be exploited with Bridgewater’s lack of an arm. Look at the Cardinals this game and salivate at how Bruce Arians takes advantage of guys like John Brown, J.J. Nelson, and David Johnson with Carson Palmer. It is a thing of beauty in the NFL.

Win: Arizona Cardinals

Redskins @ Bears

I’ve lost track—or never tried keeping track in the first place—whether both of these teams are technically still in the playoff hunt. I believe the Bears have finally proven their middling status, but the Redskins are likely alive because of their dogshit division. Kirk Cousins is not a good quarterback, but he operates Jay Gruden’s shitty system at an okay efficiency. That’s enough for the Redskins’ racist fan base to proclaim him the greatest QB. Their motto should be, “Anyone but RG Knee!” This point in the season is typically when Jay Cutler can’t stop thinking about going home so he can drink himself to sleep and ignore his annoying wife and screaming kids. As always, Jay Cutler is a miserable prick.

Win: Washington Redskins

Steelers @ Bengals

In a slate of awful liquid garbage, this Pittsburgh-Cincinnati divisional matchup is probably the best game. Too bad I hate both teams. The Steelers are entertaining to watch offensively—even if they do have a rapist at QB. And the Bengals entrust Andy Dalton with their team’s welfare, which is why they’ve earned an early exit every year in the playoffs. I think this game will serve as evidence for yet another premature departure for Cincinnati. It’s mandatory for everything and everyone in Ohio to suck.

Win: Pittsburgh Steelers

49ers @ Browns

As I predicted last week, the Austin Davis Experience lasted all of one game. Cleveland lost a game of evaluating Johnny Manziel because they were too proud to backtrack after booting his ass from starting once that whole scandal hit. But in all likelihood, we know this shit doesn’t matter. Mike Pettine and the coaching staff made their evaluation of Johnny Manziel, and their opinion has been widely known for a while. Either crazy ol’ Jimmy Haslam fires yet another head coach and searches for a puppet regime to give John Football one more undeserved opportunity…or they trade Manziel to the Cowboys for a futile late future draft pick. I have no idea what the hell is going to happen, but there is no way that both Pettine and Manziel return to their prospective positions together next year. The Browns are actually making the 49ers look like a competent franchise. And they have a hobo as a head coach!

Win: San Francisco 49ers

Chargers @ Chiefs

Philip Rivers is sick with the flu. The diseased state of San Diego’s roster must have finally gotten to poor Phil. Or maybe one of his 17 children is sick and infected him. Regardless, the Chargers were not likely to come away with a road win at Arrowhead Stadium. Andy Reid delighted in killing fantasy teams with the timeshare between Charcandrick West and Spencer Ware. But they could probably pull Larry Johnson out of retirement and he could run for 100 yards—diaper and all. Alex Smith still sucks and Kansas City is an easy choice to bet against in the first round of the playoffs. We’ve watched this story before.

Win: Kansas City Chiefs

Lions @ Rams

Everyone seems to think this is the end for Jeff Fisher in St. Louis. Perhaps. Have the Rams ever had a good QB since Kurt Warner? Marc Bulger doesn’t count—he was merely decent. Jeff Fisher should be held responsible for that most recent stretch of QBs with mediocre ceilings. But can you imagine St. Louis with a good quarterback? Although they’ve done it with some questionable character, the Rams have a solid roster and a huge potential star in Todd Gurley. Give them Matt Stafford and you might see a 10-6 playoff team. In fact, can we just combine these two teams? St. Louis would give them a great defense upgraded by Detroit’s playmakers and you put Todd Gurley on the Lions offense with Stafford and Calvin Johnson. I’ll take that team to destroy anyone in the NFC East. The Lions should devour the Rams who might be in the process of quitting on their coach and defensive coordinator—sleazy villain-looking Gregg Williams.

Win: Detroit Lions

Titans @ Jets

I picked against the Titans last week and they burned me again. Let’s go for two! I cannot predict what either of these two awful franchises will do. If I could predict a tie, I would because that makes perfect sense. The Jets at least have a willingness to spend even if it means they are still terrible. Look at them overpay to bring back Darrelle Revis—not so surprisingly just in time to experience his full decline phase. And then you have Antonio Cromarte and his 29 kids farting around the stadium. I’ll take that over Tennessee’s no-name roster. I think of them literally as Marcus Mariota and a CFL team.

Win: New York Jets

Bills @ Eagles

What would you do with a RB that led the league in carries and production last year who calls you up in the offseason and sells himself to you? It’s a hefty contract and the player’s style doesn’t fit with your offensive philosophy. When his production predictably slips and he personally pulls the owner aside to complain about you, how would you handle the situation? Well, apparently Charlie Kelly has decided to demote DeMarco Murray to 4th string for this prime matchup against his former RB who has publicly called him a racist. Good media relations is not Charlie Kelly’s strong suit. It has become abundantly clear that Chip is not long for the NFL. His team has given up on him because he treats them like cyborgs who should never break down or fail to execute his idiotic scheme that just wants more plays as soon as possible. It doesn’t matter if those plays aren’t good and lead to losing possessions. More, more, more! Somehow, inexplicably the Eagles are still in the division race because the NFC East is just the worst. Benching DeMarco Murray and another back-breaking loss might finally lead to Philadelphia fans storming the stadium with torches and pitchforks. Unless the Eagles fire him, I expect Charlie Kelly to stick around for the paycheck. Like Marsellus Wallace said, “Pride only hurts, it never helps.” Enjoy what you deserve, Philly.

Win: Buffalo Bills

Saints @ Buccaneers

What a shit show. Brandon Browner is unjustifiably insane. Despite being terrible and getting burned on countless plays, he’s still convinced himself that he’s good. It’s sad. And last week, he had the audacity to get up in his defensive coordinator’s face. New Orleans probably still has more talent, but their organization is in shambles and everyone knows Sean Payton is orchestrating his exit—most likely, to pop pills in South Beach. Jameis Winston should just target whoever is being covered by Brandon Browner for the easiest 5-TD game he’ll ever have. They did put up a fight against Carolina last week as I thought, but New Orleans is on its last legs before the shitstorm hits this offseason.

Win: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Falcons @ Panthers

Division opponents might be Carolina’s toughest test. But their divisional competition sucks. Atlanta has arguably regressed more with the firing of Mike Smith and hiring of Dan Quinn. The Falcons’ offense used to be special with the threat of big plays. Moronically, Kyle Shanahan refuses to take advantage of Julio Jones downfield. Atlanta’s defense hasn’t been impressive and they’re not suddenly transforming into the Legion of Boom just because of Dan Quinn. Expect Cam Newton to continue to play with a giant smile plastered across his face while he laughs in the face of opponents. You cannot touch this.

Win: Carolina Panthers

Colts @ Jaguars

This is just as bad as Saints-Bucs and Titans-Jets. When is Andrew Luck back? Last week’s Matt Hasselback injury gave everyone the friendly reminder that Chaz Whitehurst is still around. Yep, the Colts have Clipboard Jesus and it might be time to turn to him as your savior. Of course, that always means losing every game because Whitehurst is terrible. He loves churning out paychecks as an NFL backup. Being thrust into action exposes Whitehurst’s grift. As much as I enjoyed Blake Bortles’ offensive explosion last week, I don’t trust him to put together back-to-back good performances.

Win: Indianapolis Colts

Seahawks @ Ravens

Jimmy Clausen Alert! Remember when Jimmy Clausen started against Seattle earlier this year and the Bears didn’t manage to do anything other than punt? And Chicago had offensive talent. Everyone intentionally broke something on the Ravens offense so they could go home and get the hell away from Baltimore. Matt Schaub broke his head last week! Watch out, we might see our first football decapitation live on TV this week. Would that make the Seattle Seahawks ISIS? Yes. Yes it would.

Win: Seattle Seahawks

Raiders @ Broncos

I don’t trust Brock Osweiler and neither should the Broncos. For all the hullabaloo about how great Denver has been without Peyton Manning, Brock Osweiler has been predictably mediocre. With the support of incredibly stupid officiating decisions and several chances, Osweiler showed up when it was important late against the Patriots and the supporting cast propped him up on their shoulders. Denver isn’t winning because of Brock Osweiler. While it would probably be an important development opportunity, I think it would be a mistake to continue to start Brock Osweiler if Peyton Manning is healthy. Maybe Manning never gets healthy and it’s not a factor, but Denver has a higher ceiling with Peyton in his final season. He can still make the throws and put the team in the best position to win. I question whether you’ll see the first big crack in Osweiler’s armor this week against the Raiders. But the defense should still be good enough to carry the team and limit the opportunities for Oakland.

Win: Denver Broncos

Cowboys @ Packers

I kinda miss Brandon Weeden. At least with Weeden, the Cowboys were laughably bad. Now it’s just a boring, bland level of suckitude for Dallas. It seems inevitable that we’ll see a Texas homecoming for John Football. Until then, we have to suffer through the comfortable mediocrity of Matt Cassell. Green Bay is a team with their own issues, but not at quarterback. Aaron Rodgers will continue to have his prime wasted by Green Bay’s inability to provide ample support—most importantly defensively, but offensively as well. Their insistence on sticking with Mike McCarthy and Dom Capers has resulted in the Packers only in position to win one Super Bowl. It’s the same thing the Colts did to Peyton Manning. At least Peyton had Edgerrin and Marvin. Aaron Rodgers has to win games by throwing a 70-yard hail mary to his distant cousin Roger Rodgers. He throws TDs to a homeless man wearing a hoodie under his jersey!

Win: Green Bay Packers

Patriots @ Texans

Fuck Tom Brady. Remarkably mediocre is how Brady looks without that monster polar bear manhandling everyone. Unfortunately, it appears Gronk has now been given the regenerative powers of Wolverine because he may be back already. Hopefully that polar bear bites J.J. Watt’s other hand off. With one broken hand, how will J.J. Watt masturbate to Victoria Secret’s supermodel runway show? Unless Brady gets snapped in half, there is no way Belicheat is losing to Bill O’Brien.

Win: New England Patriots

Giants @ Dolphins

The Giants must have buried Tom Coughlin in the Pet Sematary. He is an unstoppable killing machine that cannot be reasoned with—ever since he came back from the dead. Tom Coughlin is unnatural, which must be why his face gets so red and weathered when exposed to the elements. If Dan Campbell stormed across the field and invaded the New York sidelines to punch Tom Coughlin in the face, I’m pretty sure the old man would disintegrate into dust and transform back into his bodily form across the field to taunt Campbell. This year has been yet another underwhelming, disappointing season for the Giants with plenty of speculation whether this is the end for Tom Coughlin. Rest assured, we’ll see his ass again next year freezing to death and becoming a human popsicle like Jack in The Shining. A win down in Miami might actually help New York separate just enough from the rest of the NFC East.