Pat Bertram is the author of the suspense novels Light Bringer, Daughter Am I, More Deaths Than One, and A Spark of Heavenly Fire. Bertram is also the author of Grief: The Great Yearning, “an exquisite book, wrenching to read, and at the same time full of profound truths.”

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I Am a Five-Month Grief Survivor

August 27, 2010 — Pat Bertram

Five months ago, my life mate died . . . and I am surviving. I had not expected to grieve much — he had suffered a long time, and his death was hard-won — but still, those first endless weeks were difficult. The delineation between “us together” and “me alone” was so abrupt, so stark, so uncompromising that I had a hard time fathoming it. I finally went to a grief support group to find out how one survives such pain. I never did find out, but I discovered that one can survive the trauma, which helped, as did talking about my experience and listening to what others had to say. Grief is so isolating that it’s nice not to feel alone.

What helped most of all, though, was simply living. During the past five months, I have read dozens of books, walked hundreds of miles, written thousands of words, taken I-don’t-know-how-many photos, met many people both online and offline. All of those experiences have helped create memories, memories of a life without him, and those memories have softened the threshold between “us together” and “me alone.” I still have times of great sadness, still have that falling-elevator feeling when I remember I will never see him again, still miss him (probably always will), but for the most part I am doing okay.

I’ve abandoned my mental crutches — I no longer write a letter to him every day, don’t talk to him very often, don’t feel a need to scream. I am thinking more of the future, which signifies hope and getting on with my life, but such thoughts also bring moments of panic when I think of having to grow old alone. Mostly, I try to live in the moment and take each day as it comes.

One big trauma this past month was when I finally accepted in my depths that I will never see him again in this life. I knew that from the beginning, of course, but knowing it, feeling it, and accepting it are completely different things. People talk about acceptance as if it’s a peaceful thing, yet it at the time it felt as if I were losing him all over again. But that passed as everything does.

One big advancement this past month happened just this morning — for the first time since his death, I smiled when I thought of him. He would be glad — he’d have hated being the cause of so much pain.

Little steps every day, I suppose. Big steps on other days, like smiling as you thought of him.

You have always referred to him as your mate or your life mate rather than as your husband. That’s an unusual reference, but I suspect it’s part of a life spent in finer-than-usual relationship with a more wonderful-than-usual man.

Over the course of your relationship, there were probably a lot more smiles and frowns and a lot more wonderful times than trying times. In fact, I’m betting that “smiles” and “wonderful” are a truer characterization of all of your experiences together than “frowns” and “trying.”

Finding the first one of those smiles this morning is a great step, a step somewhat away from a focus on grief to a focus of the wonders that came before it.

Malcolm, than you for your wise words. I tend to forget the good times — he suffered for so long that the lighthearted days are deeply buried. I’m hoping that’s how I will eventually be able to remember him — strong, healthy, happy.

Pat, what do you do with all the pictures you have been taking recently, and the ones I assume you took during your “us together” years? Have you put them into albums or scrapbooks? Creating pages to reflect the “then”, “transitional” and “now” journey might be very therapeutic and give you many more reasons to smile.

I’ve been posting the photos I take on a blog http://waywordwind.wordpress.com/ and also burning them to a disc. I also have discs of the ones I took in Colorado, but I never used to take many photos. It’s one of the pastimes I’ve adopted to help me get through this time of grief. Eventually, looking at those photos of another time will give me reason to smile, but for now they remind me of what I have lost. Actually, they remind me that I am lost. I’m a child of mountain shadows, not the desert, and so out of place!

Thank you for directing me here, Pat. I am progressing a little more slowly than you have, but I have reached a point now where I’m looking to the future and what direction I need to take with my life.

Robin, I’m glad my words help. This is such a dreadful and lonely journey, we need to see how other people are doing — not to compare, because everyone’s grief is different, but to see that it is possible to survive. I’m still astonished that I lived through those first months. The pain was staggering.

Books by Pat Bertram

Grief: The Great Yearning is not a how-to but a how-done, a compilation of letters, blog posts, and journal entries Pat Bertram wrote while struggling to survive her first year of grief. This is an exquisite book, wrenching to read, and at the same time full of profound truths.

When twenty-five-year-old Mary Stuart learns she inherited a farm from her recently murdered grandparents -- grandparents her father claimed had died before she was born -- she becomes obsessed with finding out who they were and why someone wanted them dead.

In quarantined Colorado, where hundreds of thousands of people are dying from an unstoppable, bio-engineered disease, investigative reporter Greg Pullman risks everything to discover the truth: Who unleashed the deadly organism? And why?

Bob Stark returns to Denver after 18 years in SE Asia to discover that the mother he buried before he left is dead again. At her new funeral, he sees . . . himself. Is his other self a hoaxer, or is something more sinister going on?

Thirty-seven years after being abandoned on the doorstep of a remote cabin in Colorado, Becka Johnson returns to try to discover her identity, but she only finds more questions. Who has been looking for her all those years? And why are those same people interested in fellow newcomer Philip Hansen?