Darlings, we are gearing up once again to head out into the world, poledance like crazy for our book, and meet our Bitter Kittens face to face, just to tell each and every one of y’all how fabulous you are and how much you mean to us. In fact, let’s illustrate that last point, if we can. To those who kittens who came to the Philly, NY and DC book store signings, you know how you were asked to put your name on a Post-it note in order to let us know who to make the book out to? Well, maybe you didn’t know it, but while you were humbling us by asking for our autographs…

Kittens

We were collecting yours.

We’re not scrapbooking types, but we think we may have to preserve these. We get the warm n’ fuzzies every time we look at them.

Anyway, here are the deets for each city. Kittens come out! We’ll do our little dog-and-pony show for you! Please note that for both Chicago and Los Angeles, the Barnes & Noble stores will be giving those who have B&N receipts priority in the line for signing. Don’t worry. It just means those who bought at B&N get to go first. We don’t want to sound like we’re begging, but buying a copy in the store helps everyone out, darlings. Turnout and sales for each event help determine future signings and appearances. We would love to travel all over this country to every metropolitan area, meeting kittens and telling them they’re fabulous. We won’t rest until we do. We also love to sell our book. Not gonna lie about that one.

SAN FRANCISCO

CHICAGO

As we said, we would love to keep this tour going and get to other cities, darlings, but until we can, we’re holding a little party of our own in our backyard. Well. Actually, someone else’s backyard. Mark your calendars for the following, Kittens on the eastern seaboard!

BITTER KITTEN “BE ME OR DO ME” PARTY!

NEW YORK Saturday, May 3 EMc2 240 Elizabeth St. New York, NY 10012

Project Runway alum and T Lo bestie Emmett McCarthy will be hosting a party celebrating the book at his store in SoHo. It’s the place where we first met him, first met Tim Gunn, and got married last summer, so it’s a location of the utmost significance. If there’s a T Lo Ground Zero of importance, Emmett’s store would be it. So all y’all NY, NJ and PA kittens who couldn’t make it out to our sub-zero readings in February (and even those who did), come on out to a garden party on a warm spring day, listen to us do a reading, answer Q&As, sign copies and just generally mingle with our kittens. There’ll be sips and nibblies, too. Make a day of it! Emmett’s whole street is nothing but fabulous shops and places to eat. We’ll have more details closer to the date, including the exact starting time, but figure on an afternoon-into-evening event. If the crowd’s large enough, we’ll do multiple readings, Q&As and signings throughout the day.

“Since celebrities tend to leverage their personal lives for professional gain, it makes sense that an adultery or cheating scandal remains a perennial favorite among their kind when it comes time for a little career sweetening. It’s sort of the go-to scandal.”

“Smart celebrities know this, and when they screw up their personal lives, they know how to turn the public’s fascination into higher payouts and possibly even awards, if not magazine covers.”

Lifetime will air a new docu-series calledTrue Tori that will follow the couple as they work on their relationship, beginning when McDermott leaves treatment, the network says in a press release.

The series will premiere just three weeks after the reality show begins filming and continue with a total of six hour-long episodes that document the family in crisis.”

FAMILY IN CRISIS! Quick! Get the cameras!

AttaGIRL, Tori! Let us know if you got to the part in the chapter about how the Victim is supposed to dress for maximum press exposure. We’d be happy to fill you in on the details. We doubt you’ve actually read our book, since you pretty much wrote the book on D-List attention-whoring yourself, or at least one of the chapters in it.

Two short excerpts from Chapter 6, “The Art of the Canoodle,” on when and how to confirm your canoodling:

“The goal here is to land a grainy paparazzi-photo magazine cover before the two of them have confirmed they’re a couple, possibly on a yacht or beach or some other place where the two of them can publicly rub oil on each other.”

***

“CANOODLING PAP SHOT CHIC!

* Being photographed frolicking on an exotic beach or a yacht? Play with the idea of going topless or putting your man in some form of tiny, foreign bathing suit for that international flair!”

“FINALLY!!! Hard undeniable proof Michelle Rodriguez and supermodel Cara Delevingne are banging each other — unbelievable video footage of Michelle making out with a topless Cara in the ocean … A TOPLESS CARA … IN THE OCEAN.

35-year-old Michelle and 21-year-old Cara were vacationing together in Cancun last week — and Cara took things to a whole new level, leaving her bikini top on the beach … while she and Michelle canoodled in the water.”

In all the running around last month, we forgot to post the following interviews with us chat-chat-chatting away, to our heart’s content about our favorite subject: ourselves our book. First up, our appearance on D.C.’s Fox 5 morning show:

And considering T Lo don’t do mornings, we think that went well – although Tom is burning that sweater as we speak. But we died of happiness the first time we saw our faces on TV with the chyron “Fabulous & Opinionated” under them. Mission: ACCOMPLISHED.

After that, we did a really fun interview for the Minneapolis Star-Tribune for our Mall of America appearance. It’s not embeddable, so you’ll have to go there to watch it, but we think it might be our best on-camera interview yet. Then again, no one’s ever asked us about Jon Hamm’s penis before, so that kind of set the tone.

“A celebrity breakup of any real value simply must play out in as public a manner as possible in order for anyone to benefit from it. The juiciest ones will depict the slow decline of the celebrity couple’s affections, providing the public with months if not years of scowling paparazzi pictures that make it clear this particular relationship has reached the point where the amount of time they can’t stand each other is far greater than the amount of time they tolerate each other. Enjoying each other has clearly been off the menu for a while. … But when the time comes to actually rip that Band-Aid off, you can bet the process will be significantly different from anything two non-celebrities go through when they decide the Con column is too much longer than the Pro to continue.”

“They will do this as loudly and obnoxiously as possible, of course. These are the breakups that require press releases, which, like so many celebrity press releases, will ask that every- one reading the press release respect their privacy. The smart ones will manage the situation tightly, but the messy ones will do everything within their power to play out every private bit of the relationship and aftermath for the public, who will be grateful and titillated.

“It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to separate. We have been working hard for well over a year, some of it together, some of it separated, to see what might have been possible between us, and we have come to the conclusion that while we love each other very much we will remain separate. We are, however, and always will be a family, and in many ways we are closer than we have ever been. We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children and we ask for their and our space and privacy to be respected at this difficult time. We have always conducted our relationship privately, and we hope that as we consciously uncouple and coparent, we will be able to continue in the same manner.

Love,

Gwyneth & Chris”

Oh, GOD. She even tried to come up with a new term for it. This is going to be an Olympics of preening self-regard, darlings. Strap yourselves in. And follow along with our book, because we’re pretty sure Gwynnie’s gonna check every item off the list. Next up, the “I’m a survivor” magazine interview.

“[C]anoodling, unlike (most) sex is this odd, celebrity-specific form of public semi-dating that is supposed to come before actual declarations that you’re dating. You and your guy or gal may hit the town for movies, dinner, and all-night sex sessions and tell everyone you’re “dating,” but for the canoodling star, there’s a constant struggle between letting everyone know you’re sleeping together and acting like you’re annoyed everyone knows you’re sleeping together.”

“During the press phase of canoodling, the couple will start allowing themselves to be seen in public together, knowing that the media is primed for just such a picture, which means the realization of it will start a frenzy.”

Churches and temples have such unflattering lighting for magazine-cover-quality picture taking, so it’s the rare big celebrity wedding ceremony that ever sees the inside of one. Since this event must have the utmost air of exclusivity, the ceremony and reception can’t be held in any two-bit hotel or catering hall, where the public they’re so desperate to have love them might accidentally ruin everything by crashing their wedding. No, it has to be on a grand estate somewhere, lent to them for the occasion by some billionaire producer or oil sheikh. And it absolutely must be outdoors, so that the much-maligned paparazzi can scale the gates or launch helicopters overhead. A true attention whore would never stage her nuptials inside, where there’s no chance for outsiders to turn it into a frantic media circus. Then the whole thing will have been for nothing.

Bearing in mind that this is purely gossip at this point, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Britney Spears:

Britney Spears is ready to walk down the aisle with boyfriend of one year David Lucado.

And she plans to do so in rock ‘n’ roll style at Graceland, the home once shared by Elvis Presley and his wife Priscilla, according to a Tuesday report from RadarOnline.

The Toxic singer is interested in the Memphis Tennessee location – which is now a museum – because the 32-year-old wants to grab as much attention as she can for her third wedding, according to the site.

While she is not yet officially engaged, the Toxic singer has her eye on the estate not just because it is her dream venue, but also because it is potentially a big money earner.

A source told the website: ‘Britney wants to get as much attention and money for pictures with her third wedding as she did for her second, which is why she is considering reaching out to Elvis’ daughter, Lisa Marie Presley, to ask if she can be married in the Graceland Estate in Memphis, Tennessee.

‘Getting married at the home of the late king of rock and roll in an elegant Southern-style ceremony would certainly generate one-of-a-kind pictures that Brit already plans to make the front page of magazines around the world.’

Like we said, it’s purely gossip at this point, but should it ever be confirmed, you all have our permission to shout out “BE ME OR DO ME BINGO” as soon as you hear the news. Still, while this certainly has attention-whoring written all over it, we doubt it’ll surpass Kanye and Kim’s wedding for sheer celeb-asshattery.

Darlings, our new best friend Debra Bass of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch just wrote a lovely summary and review of the book, along with an interview she conducted with us. It’s always gratifying when people get what we were going for. Some excerpts:

“An unexpected pair of irreverent cultural observers are reshaping the way we look at celebrity.

With razor-sharp wit and a keen sense of humor, Tom Fitzgerald and Lorenzo Marquez of TomandLorenzo.com preach a slightly different point of view from their popular cult blogging pulpit.”

“‘Life is all about resisting the impulse to believe the world when it tries to tell you who you are,’ the dynamic duo explain, and they do that in this book by examining how celebrities convince themselves and everyone else that they’re special.”

“The duo dissect the nature of celebrity in fine hilarious detail, including adultery as marketing tool, foreign babies as props and the dubious glamour of professionally begging for free clothing and accessories.”

Fitzgerald and Marquez, a pair of 40-something partners in blogging and life, have made a comfortable life talking about celebrity fashion full time, but they do not worship at the altar of celebrity transcendence. They will gush over a red carpet gown in a golden hue with beaded detail, but they don’t think that qualifies a person to give you political, religious or relationship advice.

Celebrities are people not deities, so respond accordingly. And though we should all aspire to have a life worth emulating, some of us, including many celebrities, will fall far short of that goal.

In small ways, we are all celebrities (we all have a status among friends, family and the social media republic) Fitzgerald and Marquez reason, so their book is filled with clever affirmations seeking to impart this celebrity wisdom: “The stars have entire armies of people dedicated to telling them how fabulous they are every day of their lives. You have a mirror. Get in front of it and be your own publicist, darling.”

This isn’t bingo. This is a bullseye. From Chapter 3, Attention Whoring:

“For ladies with big breasts and not much left in the way of shame, nothing succeeds like walking on the beach in a bikini and acting surprised by the phalanx of photographers called there by her publicist. A truly low-level star in this situation will inevitably stop acting surprised within the first ten seconds and start posing as if she were Miss America, kicking the waves and laughing; leaning over and squeezing her boobs together and laughing. Doing cartwheels and laughing. The pretense that this was anything but staged and set up will be abandoned rather quickly in hopes that entertainment bloggers feature the pictures prominently within the next day. The normal attire for this type of picture is a string bikini, optimally in white, in case you want to get a little demure nipplage going on once the top gets wet.”