Now tha wuz a few weeks back an since then Ah've been thinking hoo Ah'm ganna handle it aall. Coz leik some ferks's seyin thar American peepil's ganna feind it hawd tur understand uz coz a speak funnee. Buh leik tha's bonkaz man, coz if they can undastand Arnild Schwarzaneggah and Sley Stallone then Ah'll be a doddle faw them.

Itz often bin said tha Britain an America's two nation's deveeded bei a common language. Well that's a bit leik the Geordies and the posh London ferks. Yerz kna when Ah fawst came doon sooth peepil hadden a scobby whar Ah wuz gannin on aboot merst as the teim, but noo Ah'm pawt of the establishment me man.

The American production company came on tuh mei peepil an asked uz aboot some a mei famous phrases thar Ah use on the UK sher when Ah'm bein a judge. The cheeky beggaz asked uz if Ah'd send them ovah a few wur translations tuh see if they'll be OK faw the American sher. So Ah sent these across an Ah've done some translations like that Henree Higgins gadgie oota Mei Faw Ladee.

Aw man tha wuz propah canny leik.

That was excellent. You did a great job.

Yerz nailed it man woman man pet.

Every aspect of your performance was of the highest quality.

Aw man, yerz tertilly erned tha song pet.

You put your own interpretation on that song to marvellous effect. Bravo!

Wow man, Ah cudden take mei eiz aff yerz.

You have magnetic stage presence that impresses me greatly.

One aw two funnee nerts thor pet.

I'm afraid your pitching was a tad suspect and left something to be desired if I'm being totally honest.

Not bein teight aw owt pet, buh leik tha wuzzen veree good.

Not wishing to be rude, but your performance lacked the standard we require in order for you to progress in the contest.

Divvint give up yerz dee job pet.

Perhaps you're not cut out for show business and may wish to consider remaining in your current employment

Aw tha was just mint man!

Every element of your performance was extremely good.

Sorree pet buh tha wuz completlee mingin.

Unfortunately your performance had no redeeming features whatsoever.

Yor a littill staw so you aw man.

(reserved for younger contestants)

It's my opinion that you have all the relevant attributes to go on and win, and what is more you are very cute.