16 December 2007

Hamster dance

So, I have this hamster. He was a gift from a friend who noted that he had a perfect image of the Mandelbrot fractal on his back and, knowing my love of all things fractal, got him for me. Of course, I also have a snake and a cat, both of whom would love to eat him, but I've managed to keep him alive so far.

Very much alive. In fact, he's thriving like I've never seen a hamster thrive. I've had him about three months. In that time, he's almost doubled in length. This wouldn't be so surprising, if he hadn't already been fully grown when I got him. So I got him set up with a house. It was a really kewl little dwelling, with a petting area and a spiral staircase leading up to the exercise area at the top. That part was really clever, because he could get into the wheel and start running, and it would not only spin on the z-axis, like a mere mortal hamster wheel, but would also sorta run on a little track around in a circle to create the illusion that he was actually escaping.

The first thing the little bast... ummmm, rodent... did was to somehow move all of his bedding up into the exercise wheel. I don't know how he fit it all up there, but he did. I couldn't totally blame him, though, because as fancy as the new digs were, they're not sized for a squirrel. So it's not like he could really tell. teehee... He looks like a scene from an old sci-fi movie, crawling around inside there, too big for everything...

Anyway, so he was just doing his thing (hamster stuff) and I told him yesterday that I was going to put him up for stud. He just stared at me for a minute, and then (no kidding) promptly moved all his bedding from the wheel into the petting zone (huh?) and started exercising. Well, one must look one's best, and all that.

Today, I took him to my friend's house, where she showed me hamsters she's sitting for. or on. Or something. Anyway, she first showed me the male. Now, you should always wonder when someone reaches for a hamster, and warns, "Don't laugh." She picked up this furry orange thing and turned him over. I assume it was a him. I looked, and said, "Aren't male hamsters supposed to have nu-nus?"

She said, "He does. They're inside him."

"Those would be called ovaries. And most males don't have them."

"No, he's a proven breeder."

I couldn't imagine how he would get women hamsters into bed... I mean, Mandel (my hamster, so named for his coloring) looks like he's dragging one of those small U-haul trailers behind him. This guy looked... well, not like a guy. Maybe he got close to females by pretending to be gay or something.

Anyway, she continued, "I don't want to breed him."

"Why not?"

"He's orange." I took her point. "I want to see if I can get more fractals, so I want to breed Mandel with the female."

Then, she showed me the female. She picked up this furry thing at least 17% larger than the "male" she had shown me. I promptly approved. So did Mandel.

So now, my hamster has a girlfriend. What I'm hoping to do is get any babies my friend doesn't want. I'll raise them, and if they don't get big, I'll feed them to Naga. If they do get huge, I'll breed them back in.

I want to create a race of superhamsters. It will be my next step toward my goal of conquering the world.

I have hamsters, and I'm not afraid to use them. Be afraid. Be very afraid.