Tag Archives: pregnancy

Those of you with long memories remember that just about a year ago I was preparing to attend the wedding of one of my best friends. Despite the build-up, I mysteriously never mentioned the weekend again which some of you surely found annoying and some of you never noticed.

I’d rather not get into the complicated details out of respect for my former friend. Needless to say, bad communication, weird energy, and selfish behavior all around caused what has amounted to an irreparable rift.

Keep in mind, this relationship spans over a decade.

So the question becomes, if neither party reaches out after an extended silence, is the friendship over?

Is it better to be stubborn, right, and lonely, or forgiving and rich with friends?

Or is it the very event of a wedding that shifts the agenda for all involved? Can some friendships simply not survive a wedding? Does the solidification of one relationship spell doom for another? Only if you hate the person your friend is marrying. Which isn’t necessarily the case here. It isn’t so much I hated the groom. It’s more that I hated who my friend became around the groom.

I’ve often considered reaching out to this friend, but something always stops me — usually one of my other friends who likes to periodically remind me how poorly we were treated at the ceremony after traveling many miles and undertaking great expense to support our friend’s union.

Knowing my dear friend as I do, I suspect she still checks this website from time to time. If that’s the case, I hope she knows that despite the obstacles between us I do wish her and her husband well. Perhaps now they’ve even begun on their little family.

Nearly a year has passed since we last spoke, and I suppose it is time to move this conflict from the active to closed file. I do so with a heavy heart. For many months, I held out hope we would reconcile, but some opposing forces are too polarized to ever meet in the middle. The only useful thing I learned in Brownies – Make New Friends, but Keep the Old. One is Silver and the Other Gold.

Our friendship may be tarnished, but this girl will always be gold to me.

As I’m sure you’ve heard, Jessica Simpson had a big ass 9+ lbs baby girl aptly named Maxwell this week. I think it is safe to say we all feel some collective relief knowing that intense gestation has come to a close. These last few weeks looking at her behemoth belly has made me truly uncomfortable. Think she will be able to meet her contractual obligations to Weight Watchers with a newborn baby? Knowing what we do about Jessica, I wonder whether she’ll survive the early days of motherhood without substantial aid from her mom Tina.

Bethenny and Jason are completely screwed right? If they are fighting this much on camera, what is happening off screen? Just tell him to fuck off Bethenny. You got your baby and more dough than you can spend. Cut the dead weight and get a cabana boy. Did you hear the rumor she hooked up with The Situation? GROSS.Edvard Munch’s The Scream sold to an anonymous buyer for a record-breaking $120 million this week. Is “anonymous buyer” code for Saudi Royal?Linda Evangelista was back in court this week seeking child support from billionaire baby daddy Francois-Henri Pinault. Doesn’t he know she doesn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day? He’s getting a bargain rate at $46,000 a month.

Tori enjoyed a charity-laced baby shower with her Mom and friends at the table. Candy correctly predicted the sex of the baby. She seemed genuinely happy to be part of the pregnancy this time around. Count this as one of the very, very, very few genuine moments in a season filled with orchestrated hour-long shill fests.We are supposed to believe that an extra-pregnant Tori set up an elaborate mother-daughter tea party complete with hanging tree decorations, a well-appointed table, and pink frosted cupcakes. The production assistants on this show must be some of the most thankless and exhausted.Stella was an adorable hostess and fully redeemed herself from any unsavory behavior in the past weeks. The PAs were extra tired setting up the tea party because they spent all night crafting this paper mache volcano for Liam to destroy in thirty seconds while playing scientist with baking soda and vinegar. Mommy-son time was slightly less touching than the mother-daughter moment, but Liam promised, in his own way, to stop being such an asshole. Tori and Dean reportedly paid $2.4 million for a little over 2,000 square feet on 1.75 acres of mega-valuable Malibu land. It is rumored they sold their Encino home featured on the show for $2.5 million, a $450,000 loss from the $2.9 million they reportedly paid in oh-eight. Think the lingering stench of goat shit had anything to do with the hit they took?Liam was not thrilled with the drastic cut in square footage and protested at the idea of sharing a room with Stella. I don’t blame him. He’s what, 2 to 3 years from getting into some serious self-wang touching? Let the kid have some privacy, jeesh. Dean wasn’t having any of Liam’s stank attitude even though Tori had second thoughts about the kids’ proposed sleeping arrangement. Stella declared she’s born to be nice. Liam was born to be…

Let’s just agree to shelve kids.

Tori couldn’t even take time off from career-waffling to give birth. This week she designed her own superfug asymmetrical birthing gown with snap-away shoulder.

This is like a horror movie. I can’t. Let’s just move on.

Mom and baby meet for the first time cheek to cheek.

Mehran is thrilled about the fashion possibilities a girl brings. Why are they so rough with the babies? Chill. It is a newborn not a salt scrub.

The big finale involved a lot of glossing over of major events. We saw none of the house buying-selling negotiations. Why did Tori’s two girlfriends rep her on the sale of her home, but a different agent repped her on the Malibu purchase? Did things get messy with the girls? Also, we weren’t privy to much marriage drama this season, but I don’t think it was for lack of conflict. Dean’s story arc began and ended with the kitchen. What’s really going on here? I smell something funny and it ain’t Dean’s frittatas. This white-washed version of reality felt like a bunch of staged moments spliced together to create the impression of a perfect life for a perfect sales pitch. Are we buying?

Pregnancy speculation themed this week’s Tori & Dean yet again. Since this child was born months ago, do we really care?May I comment on the fact that Stella is like the most delightful child ever? I have yet to see her throw a tantrum, and I’ve been watching closely. Even Liam is less of an asshole this season. That Adderall-laced breakfast cereal must be working. The last press-heavy event scheduled to take place during Tori’s first trimester was the GLAAD Awards. This bitch obviously has no fucking idea of how to disguise a pregnancy with intelligent fashion choices. Tori thought it appropriate to wear a shiny black tent attached to a Wilma Flintstone-style set of oversized gold pearls. The dress draped over her bump and the shiny fabric betrayed her secret. Who needs a confirmation? This fug dress is the confirmation. Oh, and she took the chicken. It was Dean’s turn to spin the career wheel this week and his arrow landed on “culinary student.” Because every opportunist actor needs a back up plan, Dean decided to enroll in a culinary arts program to secure his future as a sous chef.

He fucked up his first frittata.

After getting the clear from her long-suffering OBGYN, Tori decided to scoop the gossip weeklies and announce the pregnancy on her own Twitter feed. Then she thoroughly enjoyed taking a fame bath in her self-drawn trending-topic tub.Naturally, Kathie Lee was butt-hurt over Tori denying the pregnancy to her face on the 4th hour, but a bouquet of flowers and a cheeky note seemed to smooth things over.