Unregistered, as a new member your first 5 posts will be subject to moderation.
So if your post is submitted successfully, but does not show up immediately, please be patient, as it may take some time for a moderator to approve it.
Please don't double post.

" Even without guarantees, even in our darkest hours, we still can choose creatively. We choose boldly in the direction of what we ideally want, because family, life or commitments mean so much to us. When we find meaning, we also locate the wherewithal to choose courageously. When we hesitate to reach for what we desire, when we see ourselves stuck in unacceptable situations, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether we care enough about our lives, families or long-term pursuits to act in their best interests."

I think the biggest problem I'm struggling against is my need to stop hesitating versus my desire not to "hurt" people I care about. But by hesitating, I am in fact hurting them, they just don't see it RIGHT NOW...

I tend to give a ridiculous amount of unsolicited advice, as i'm always trying to fix everyone around me. it's so bad that i've had to teach myself to ask someone if the want advice or are just venting.

That's hysterical. I started that (asking if they want my two cents or are just venting) about a year ago. I find that MOST people just want to bitch, they don't actually want to DO anything to fix the issue they are bitching about.

"It takes hard, persistent work and not a little courage to develop our full humanity. OUr bids for authenticity easily arouse fear, anger or at the very least concerns in family, friends or coworkers. People close to us may not want us to change. Certainly for many of them our growth introduces inconvenience. At a deeper level they may believe we will grow away from them the more we cultivate our strengths and uniqueness."

Bingo...

So why is it SO DAMN HARD to see that if all parties grow-they can grow together?

WHY do people insist on being miserable and stagnant all the while fearfully bitching about someone else working to develop themselves more fully?

That is somewhat rhetorical but only because I really think that the answers are not answers at all.

The answer (in my mind) is they are SO entrenched in the HABIT of reacting in fear that they can't concieve of doing it any other way.

That makes me wonder-is it worth trying to explain it to them then? I just don't know sometimes.

She goes on to say,

"Loving and patient repetition of our objectives, our calm reassurances to them help us merge our interest with theirs. As mentioned in a previous chapter, resolving the tension between our individual needs and those of others is a central task of mature, creative adulthood."

I don't disagree, but I can't help but wonder how long that stage should last?
Not that I see anything wrong with being endlessly loving and patient. But I do find having to repeat the SAME thing over and over a bit....stifling-especially if/when I've moved on to some NEW objective having already attainted the first and they are still wanting reassurance on the first objective....

"When we meditate, daydream or pray for answers (and are willing to let these come of their own accord, in their own time), when we stop trying to force our answers into existence, we embrace freedom. We release our stranglehold on our own throught processes. We allow our various intelligences to work things out without our logical, too structured interference.

ON THE OTHER HAND,

when we chase the quick fix, or organize our lives rigidly around preconceived notions or idealized images of how we "should" live: when we follow too obediently convention on matters important to us, or passively make life choices along the lines others have convinced us are correct; for "our own good"; when we deny ourselves time to think, dream, grow, explore, experiment, play and pray, we also deny ourselves the freedoms we need to create our own lives anew. THEN OUR CAGE STAYS SHUT."

Your journey is yours, their journey is theirs. They are both deserving of equal respect regardless of how far along anyone may be. Where they meet is great, where they don't meet is out of your control. When they clash, I give the same amount of respect that I hope to receive. And when they start needing me to change my path for their sake, I let go of whatever I'm holding onto that allows them to pull me. That doesn't mean letting go of them. It means letting go of whatever I'm doing that allows what their doing to bother me or derail me. Then that frees me to love and respect them for where they are in their journey and stop feeling ahead or behind them, because such perceptions create their own consequences.

Sometimes we don't know how our own journeys can create pressure for those around us and vice versa.

I find the more centered I am, the more secure I am in the knowledge that I am on the path I need to be on at this moment, the less anyone else's actions or reactions can impact me.

I don't need to make another "wrong" in order for me to feel "right" and I won't allow another to do that to me. Refusing to accept someone's demands that I do so isn't unloving to them, it is instead loving to myself and perhaps even setting an example that helps lend the certainty of purpose to another.

My journey has taken some long and winding roads as I'm sure most people's have; at many points along the way I'm sure others wondered if I was ever going to "get it" as well

Another way to look at it is that each person should be aware of their own "bottom lines" - things that they absolutely have to have in life. Whether that is growth in a particular direction or a boundary that shouldn't be crossed. People who love and care for you will respect those (assuming you communicate it with them) and will accompany you along that path, assuming that it doesn't violate some need of their own, of course. If it does violate it, then the right thing to do is to recognise that and wish them luck on their continuing journey.

Expecting someone else to violate their own bottom line in order to prove their love for you, or, worse, of accusing them of not loving you enough if they don't violate their bottom line for you is a selfish and disrespectful act, in my opinion.

__________________

Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State http://www.thebirdcage.org/
"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb

I know my purpose, I know where my life needs to go and I know how to do it. I don't mean I have a "plan". I don't. I mean-I just know... I just FEEL in any given moment "I'm supposed to do this" or "I'm not supposed to do that" and I need to DO or NOT DO those things and stop letting other people's refusal to claim their own shit AND DEAL WITH IT, stop me from my own growth and progress....

This is exactly where I am at, i could have wrote this statement myself. A lot of people tell me i am acting illogically, that i am too emtional an making desisions based on feelings and not really thinking it through,
actually this is wrong, its more than just making desisions based on emotion I am making desisions based on a very strong gut instinct as to what is right or wrong for me. I have done this now for at least past 4 or 5 years and every single desision i have come too when I have allowed myself to listen to my own intuition has been right,

and when i have not listened to that intuition i have often regretted, doing or not doing something.

A diar consaquence of this was when i was having problems in my pregnancy, i just knew something was wrong and that i needed medical attention but as it was not obvious what exactly was wrong everyone around me including doctors told me that i was an overly anxious first time Mum, and so i ignored the urge to fight with medical staff to get more attention and the result was that i had a massive infection in my womb and my baby was born to early to survive. I will never ignore that kind of intuition again.

I think the biggest problem I'm struggling against is my need to stop hesitating versus my desire not to "hurt" people I care about. But by hesitating, I am in fact hurting them, they just don't see it RIGHT NOW...

I struggle with this too,
i sometimes ask myself am i being selfish. I think sometimes yes I am because i have to be. I do not want to hurt people I will listen and support people as much as i can but i simply cannot carry them.
That's hysterical. I started that (asking if they want my two cents or are just venting) about a year ago. I find that MOST people just want to bitch, they don't actually want to DO anything to fix the issue they are bitching about.

When i was doing my training to be a person centred therapist we talked about this a lot, the fact that very often people do not want advice,
sometimes though its not just about wanting to rant or bitch, i think sometimes people are just looking for empathy and for someone to care enough to listen and that is enough. I think what people really need when they are ranting or bitching is someone to listen and reflect what they are saying so they can figure out solutions for themselfs.