Saturday, July 30, 2016

Hey, everybody! It’s
time for another addition of Rev. Ron’s Realities!

What is Rev. Ron’s Realities? Well, they are short stories that dive in
deeper into minor plot points or background characters that strike my fancy and
that I think deserves a little more elaboration. I’ve done it with Jurassic World and talked
about the purchase of the intellectual property of it all, I followed the
survival of an extra from the film San Andreas and, recently, I created a
background to someone who wandered into shot in an absolutely terrible but
undeniably hysterical Christian “found footage” filmThe Lock In.

Well, as I stated in that last one, that one actually
inspired two stories and, like I promised in that one, here’s the second tale
that was born from someone who just walked into the scene by accident…

The young Jesus sits outside his apartment building and
stares across the street at the church.
He knows that most of the kids he goes to school with are there right
now and about to be a part of the lock in.
He knows they’re going to have a blast while they eat junk food, talk
about how cool Kirk Cameron is and listen to only the best that Christian rock
has to offer. But he’s not going to be
there with them. Instead, he has to be
with his father, helping him with his time machine. (Jesus’ father is obsessed with Back to the
Future and is convinced he can build his own time travel device but Jesus isn’t
so convinced. After all, he’s building
it out of an old refrigerator box and is trying to use old coffee grounds as a
form of fuel. He means well, Jesus tells
keeps repeating to himself.)

Jesus' home across from the church.

His sister tells Jesus to "not sweat it” about not going to
the lock in because she went last year and it was “totes lame.” She said they couldn’t even get a DVD copy of
Left Behind and they had to watch it on a worn-out VHS tape. His brother told him that it’s better for him
anyway because the kids there aren’t the kids he’d wanna hang out with anyway. Jesus didn’t know about that because they
seemed cool. Of course, he admitted, one
of the kids’ parents was a little weird.
He heard they were freaking out about him getting some pizza with a
girl. Plus, he thinks he heard them say
some racist things once in church.

With another defeated sigh escaping his lips, Jesus hears
his father call for him to get upstairs so they can work on the time machine.

After a few hours go by and it’s getting near lunchtime,
Jesus’ father sends him out to take out the trash. He looks longingly at the church and imagines
the fun they are having at the lock in.
That’s when he noticed a couple of the kids and the youth pastor is outside. Quickly tossing the garbage into the
dumpster, he squints his eyes to see what they are doing. If he didn’t know any better, he would have
thought they were burning something. He
starts to wonder what they are burning when his father calls out the window for
him to hurry up; he thinks he’s found a breakthrough.

Spoiler Alert: They are burning something.

It turned out the breakthrough was Jesus’ father literally
breaking through the thick cardboard of the box. Jesus didn’t blame his father for his
excitement, he is a very optimistic man and celebrated anything that got him
closer to his goal; however, cutting through some thick cardboard was about all
he got because he suddenly stopped and gave his son a long, studying look.

Future Time Machine!

“Jesus, my boy,” he said, “I know you want to be over at the
lock in and I don’t blame you but we just don’t have the money for it.”

“I know, dad,” Jesus sadly replied.

Jesus’ father set down his tools and put his hand on his
shoulder, “How about we get some pizza?”

With lunch in his belly, Jesus goes outside to toss the
pizza box in the dumpster. He glances
over again at the church, his eyes a mixture of melancholy and longing. There’s no doubt that if his family had the
means he’d be at the lock in but no amount of understanding or even pizza will
change the fact he really wants to be over there having fun with the kids. With a sigh of resignation, Jesus turns
around and a single faint sound stops him in his track.

Jesus stands, unmoving, straining his ears to hear. There are cars in the distance, someone’s TV
in one of the apartments, flies buzzing in the trees and even his heartbeat
filling his ears but that’s not the noise he just heard. He swore he heard someone yelling his
name. He thought he heard someone
pleading for his help.

Shrugging it off, Jesus goes to the front door of the
apartment complex and as he puts his hand on the door, he hears it again. Someone is yelling for his help and that
person is yelling from across the street.

It's coming from the church!

His parents instilled in him early to be a charitable but,
most of all, helpful person. He bolts through the church’s parking
lot and up the service ramp towards the door.
He yanks as hard as he can on the doors but they are locked and not
budging. This was his church, he
reminded himself. He knew it backwards
and forwards and knew every exit and entrance.
Running around the building he hurried to the back entrance of the
building—the entrance that he often heard the one kid’s mother whisper that
Jesus and his family should use. Man, he
thought, she really is racist.

For one reason or another, the backdoor was completely
unlocked and Jesus threw open the doors and ran inside. Most of the lights were off and the building
was fairly dark but he could hear the anguished cries and sobbing of a man in
torment up stairs. With no hesitation,
Jesus took the nearest staircase, leaping the stairs several at a time, and ran
to where the noise was coming from: The
baptismal pool.

As he got close, he slowed down and walked around the corner
to find a kid about his age just lying on the ground soaking wet and crying for
help. Jesus stood there for a second and
realized that the kid wasn’t injured; he was just lying there, sobbing and
crying out for Jesus Christ. He wasn’t
calling out for his help—not him Jesus.
He didn’t think the guy actually needed help of any kind. Jesus thinks to himself that the kid just
snuck in some booze or drugs with his buddies, got messed up and slipped into
the baptismal pool and he is now, in a drunken stupor, whining about his hurt
knee or something. In fact, the youth
pastor and the other kids have probably heard his whining and Jesus decides now
is the time to get out of here before he gets in trouble for sneaking into the
lock in.

As Jesus returns to the back hallway he can hear the faint noises
of the crying kid reuniting with the rest of the kids. He wonders to himself if he’s going to get in
trouble for whatever he snuck into the lock in but his thoughts are interrupted
as he gets to the door and sees a magazine sitting on the floor. It’s a certain, special kind of
magazine. The kind of magazine his
father has hidden underneath the bed.
The kind of magazine he is not supposed to see. It’s a porno magazine.

They really snuck that in, he thought to himself. Haven’t these kids heard of the
internet? Only old people use porno
magazines anymore. How out of touch are
they?

And there ya have it!

The second Reality that was inspired by a single crew,
member of the congregation or family member walking into frame during the terrible (but
absolutely hysterical) Christian “found footage” horror movie about a haunted
porno mag.

Keep checking in for more reviews (I churn those out a lot
faster, I swear) and more of my Realities.

***DISCLAIMER***
The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I
encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion
(or other commenters), that's fine. To each their own. These reviews
are not meant to be statements of facts or endorsements, I am just
sharing my opinions and my perspective when watching the film and is
not meant to reflect how these films should be viewed. Finally, the
reviews are given on a scale of 0-5. 0, of course, being
unwatchable. 1, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay.
4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews
feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on
Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional
live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! Little known fact: The bear that provided motion-capture for Red Dead Redemption was the bear in this movie.

The Revenant – 5 out of 5

The most heartbreaking thing about
The Revenant is the fact it has the real potential to only be remembered as the
film that finally—FINALLY—won Leo the Oscar that he should have won with
literally any film he’s done in the last decade plus.People will probably forgot the intense
story, the incredible visuals and just how amazing the rest of the cast is
alongside my man Leo (him and I are totes friends, I swear).I think the only other thing they’ll remember
is the bear, I guess.

Is the Academy happy? Leo practically had to kill himself to finally getthat damn Oscar.

In the early 1820s in a region of
America that will one day become known as the Dakotas and the states you only
visit because you wanna see some big ass president heads, a man named Hugh
Glass (Leonardo DiCaprio) and his half-Pawnee son Hawk (Forrest Goodluck) act
as guides for a group of trappers lead by Captain Andrew Henry (Domhnall
Gleeson).After the group is attacked
by some hostile natives looking for a member of their group that was kidnapped,
the group suffers heavy loses and are forced to travel on foot back to their
camp.Soon after this begins, Glass is
mortally wounded by a bear and becomes a burden.One of the trappers; the antagonistic John
Fitzgerald (Tom Hardy), believes that carrying Glass’ injured body will only
slow them down and eventually tricks the group to abandon him—but not before he
murders Hawk.Now fueled with revenge
the once believed to be dead Glass crawls and struggles across the wilderness
in order to extract vengeance on the man that wronged him.

I'm tempted to make another Oscar joke.

The Revenant was a film I’ve been
intending to see since I first heard about it because it starred Leo and I will
pretty much seek anything out that this man is doing nowadays.Add to the fact it was directed by the
visionary dynamo director that gave us Birdman and I knew that I had to see the
film.I never got around to checking it
out in the theaters because I’m poor and time became a factor when it finally
was available to rent.However, I’m
kinda kicking myself for not jumping at the opportunity to watch it because I
was absolutely blown away with the film.

I was blown away and also still harbor a massive distrust of bears. I don't careif they help stop forest fires they also take picnic baskets and attackgreat actors!

Nearly everything about this is
simply exquisite.The story, based
loosely on the events of a real trapped named Hugh Glass, was something I found
myself easily investing in and the intensity that it supplied was
absolutely addicting.The
performances—not just from Leo but from everyone like Hardy, Gleeson and Will
Poulter and Forrest Goodluck—are absolutely incredible.Sure, I honestly had a hard time understand
what the hell Tom Hardy was saying most of the movie but his unique vocal
choices help sell the film’s reality and really helped me get completely sucked
into the events that were unfolding.

Is there a role that Hardy can't do?

Finally, one of the most
astounding aspects of The Revenant was the visuals.Director Alejandro G. Iñárritu (who brought
us the equally visual spectacle that was Birdman) not only captured the beauty
of nature in this film but he caught the emotion of Hugh Glass’ journey and all
the hardships the group faced.Iñárritu
made the camera dance as it circles the action in 360 degrees and puts the
viewer right next to the characters.It’s truly a wonder to see the intense action scenes play out in this
format.

"Ugh, and I thought they smelled bad on the outside!"

The only downside I had for the
feature is that, occasionally, the story of Hugh Glass’ journey felt a tad
meandering and like it was losing focus at times.This feeling was very rare in the film and
usually only came during the moments when the adrenaline rush of the intense
scenes died down but there was definitely times where I found myself wondering
if certain particular moments were really that necessary to the plot and story.

Believe me, any dragging moments were incredibly rare.

Beyond a very minor complain that
did absolutely nothing to destroy my enjoyment and complete awe I had of the
movie, The Revenant proves to be just an absolutely amazing film.From a technical standpoint, the film is
gorgeous and amazing.From a writing
standpoint, the film is visceral and intense and, finally, from an acting
standpoint the film is unparalleled.From start to finish and top to bottom, this movie is just unreal and
completely stunning.

***DISCLAIMER***
The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I
encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion
(or other commenters), that's fine. To each their own. These reviews
are not meant to be statements of facts or endorsements, I am just
sharing my opinions and my perspective when watching the film and is
not meant to reflect how these films should be viewed. Finally, the
reviews are given on a scale of 0-5. 0, of course, being
unwatchable. 1, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay.
4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews
feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on
Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional
live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! From now on, all conflict in films should be resolved with the characters both having mothers named "Martha" so we never know a satisfying conclusion ever again.

Batman v Superman:Dawn of Justice – Ultimate Edition – 3 out of
5

Despite being one of the most
anticipated films of 2016, Batman v Superman:Dawn of Justice was met with overwhelmingly negative reactions from the
critics and the feelings among the audiences were definitively split.I was damn excited for the film but was
pretty disappointed with the final product.As I stated in my review, I dug some elements of the film but was turned
away by a story that felt bloated and messy.Recently, the R-rated version called the Ultimate Edition was released
and it promised a more cohesive story and more Martha (well, maybe not more Martha...).So, was an extra 30 minutes worth it?

Or is it like pulling a giant ship? Tedious and boring and probably impossibleto fix.

What does a fart sound like in that suit?Does it echo?

To just provide a quick recap, BvS
tells the story of a grumpy, aging Batman (Ben Affleck) who isn’t too happy
with Superman (Henry Cavill); who recently made a mess when he made his
presence known to the world.Meanwhile,
Superman isn’t too happy with Batman because he acts like judge, jury and
executioner with the criminals he faces.However, neither man fully realizes that all sides are being played by
Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) and he’s about to unleash a monster called
Doomsday on the world.With Wonder Woman
(Gal Gadot) arriving on the scene and getting into their corner, can these two
heroes put aside their differences and save Metropolis and Gotham City?

I'm so excited for her solo movie!

I like the kid with the glasses and who is protestingSuperman. You can just tell his dad convinced him to voteTrump and he probably is an Alex Jones fan.

I was labeled a “hater” with my review
for Dawn of Justice (one gentleman was even kind enough to message me and tell
me to “fuck off”) all because I didn’t state that I absolutely loved the
film.I liked parts of it but wasn’t in
love with it like I wanted to be.Ben
Affleck is amazing as Bruce Wayne/Batman, the Doomsday fight is incredible,
even though it stops the story dead in its tracks the cameos from the Justice
League members Flash, Cyborg and Aquaman are wickedly fun fan service and Gal
Gadot steals the Gee-Dee show as Wonder Woman.However, the film was bogged down by a story that felt both crowded and
underdeveloped at the same time, an antagonist who had motivations that were
blurry at best and pointless at worst, way too many dream sequences to the point that I
thought they were going to have a scene of Batman forgetting to study for a
test and fight crime naked, a severe lack of action for the first two acts, a plot that dragged too
often and one of the main points of conflict solved in the most anticlimactic
way imaginable.

When you have more than 3 dream sequences in a superhero film, that's probablymore than you really should have.

Honestly, the Ultimate Edition does
solve some problems of this film but as you can see from my score it doesn’t
help the overall product much.The 30
extra minutes does make the story more complete but it doesn’t make it a better
story.There are times when the extra
footage helps like Lois Lane’s (Amy Adams) investigation of the mysterious
weapons that some terrorists owned and it really strengthens Superman’s
motivation to stop Batman and why he mistrusts him so much.Unfortunately, the rest of the time this
extra footage is just extended scenes that do nothing to help the convoluted
story.

Nor did it get rid of the horribly uncomfortable scene of Lex feeding a JollyRancher to this dude.

Finally, there’s nothing really
about this film that makes it worthy of the R-rating.The extra moments of violence are heavily
edited around and, to be honest, the violence in The Dark Knight felt way more
extreme and that thing got away with a PG-13.So, it’s very apparent that this was just some executive saying, “Hey,
Deadpool made a lot of money and it didn’t do it because it was a quality,
entertaining product.It did it because
it was R-rated and we should do that to make more money with our movie!”

"Hmmm, a strange object that could threaten my undersea world. Better let itget a perfect shot of me before I destroy it and flee."

There are definitely elements to
Batman v Superman:Dawn of Justice –
Ultimate Edition that make the overwhelming 3 hour running length worth it but,
to be honest, it’s only a small percent and not enough to really improve the
overall product.

Follow by Email

Subscribe To

Translate

Find a film...

About Me

I'm a geek, an atheist (who is also an ordained reverend), a peanut butter and jelly enthusiast, a man who shares the same name with a popular character from "Parks & Rec" and feels he can't live up to the awesomeness of the fictional character, was proudly banned from Reddit, an occasional Shakespearean performer, and a stand up comic.
Have any questions, recommendations or wanna share any theories on various movies? Email me at RevRonMovies@gmail.com and I'll talk about them on my new Q&A segment!