The incredible journey of Thatcher Ulysses

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There are two sides to the “being a parent to a child with Down Syndrome” coin.
There’s the side wherein you don’t want people to view your child as “the kid with Down Syndrome,” “the Down Syndrome kid,” or, worst of all, “the Down’s baby.”
And then there’s the side where you want to shout it from the rooftops, to normalize Down Syndrome, to make people ‘see the ability’ and know that Down Syndrome is common, it’s out there, it’s not scary, and that our kids are capable of anything.
I toe this line, and which side I’m on depends on the day.
Today, I’m shouting it from the rooftops.
Today, I’m letting everyone know. Because of one word. The R-word.
Yup, the R-word AGAIN.

Now, I’ll be 100% honest. When I was a teenager, my aunt worked with people with disabilities. She would tell me time and time again not to use the R-word. And I didn’t listen. Yeah, I tried. But it wasn’t important to me. She just told me it was offensive to people with disabilities, and I didn’t really get why.

Well, that damn word came up again today, and it won’t go away, and I feel the need to explain again why it’s offensive.

So, here’s what happened. I was in a professional setting, where I was a client, and I was talking to the person working there. She was asking me about Thatcher. I said he was growing up way too fast, and her response was, “I know! It’s retarded how fast time flies!” I stopped her right there. I told her that yes, time flies, and that is many things, but it is certainly not retarded. I told her that the R-word is a word that we no longer use in our household, because of my son, who has a disability. Her answer? “Oh right, he’s Down Syndrome.”

Actually, he is NOT Down Syndrome. But yes, he has Down Syndrome. Two totally different things. Down Syndrome does not define him. It’s not who he is. It’s a part of him, yes. But he’s Thatcher, thank you very much.

Fast forward my story, I posted about this professional to a group on social media, and while most people were also appalled at what had happened, one person told me I was being a hypocrite for being offended and for educating this professional. About a month ago, I had referred to Michelle Duggar as an idiot. Yup, a celebrity who willingly puts her life in the spotlight is apparently not allowed to receive criticism on a public forum. A celebrity whose claim to fame is spitting out J-named offspring, and petitioning against the rights of transgendered people. Let’s see. I’m standing up for people with disabilities, but that’s hypocritical because I hate homophobic celebrities? I can 100% see the logic here, can’t you?

Anyway, this got me all riled up, and let to yet another Facebook broo-ha-ha. A lot of friends of mine stood up for me. There are probably some people out there that were pretty angry with me. A lot of stupid things were said from all sides of the argument. And the point? Totally lost.

So what was the point? Why was I so upset by this situation? Because even when the R-word isn’t used to describe Thatcher, it’s demeaning him. Let me explain:
The word “retarded,” at the very root of things, means “slow” and “delayed.” It’s a medical term, albeit an antiquated one. It was used to describe people who were developmentally delayed. So if you were to call Thatcher retarded, and you were a doctor, you would be from the middle ages, perhaps, but you wouldn’t be wrong.
Here’s where it goes wrong. Nowadays, we use the word “retarded” to describe things that are stupid, or ridiculous. So for example, the professional I saw today used it to describe how ridiculously fast time is moving.
So, what’s the problem with that? Simple. You’re taking a word that describes my son, and you’re making it a bad thing. You’re making it something stupid, something ridiculous, something crazy. You’re making the word mean something else, something bad. So now that word that describes my son, that word is a bad thing. By association, my son’s delays are now a bad thing.

Do you get it yet? If not, I’ll use another example. Take the word “gay.” It’s used to describe someone who is homosexual. There’s nothing wrong with that, right? But you take that word, and you use it to describe things that are lame. Maybe you are homophobic. Maybe you’re not. The misuse of the word “gay” certainly started out with homophobes and spread from there. So you take the word “gay” and you use it to describe things you think are lame, and things you don’t like. You don’t like that movie? “That movie was SO gay!” …. see what you just did? You just took the word “gay” and made it something bad. By association, if a person is gay, they are now bad, too. You don’t have to call a person “gay” to make it offensive, you just have to use the word in an offensive context to basically insult every homosexual person on earth.

The R-word is the same. You’re taking a word that describes my son, and you’re making it bad, making it wrong. It might have started out as a slur by people hating on people with special needs, but even if you know or love someone with special needs, your hateful use of the R-word is them. That’s why we need to Spread the Word to End the Word. We need to stop using this word, period. You’re never using it “in a non-offensive way.” It’s always being hurtful, whether it’s intentional or not. Maybe you think I’m a hypocrite. Maybe you don’t. I don’t care. I just care that you think about your words before you speak, and you think about what those words mean and who they might hurt, intentional or not. I’m doing my best to, as well.

And if I correct you, or point out your use of the R-word? I’m not trying to offend you. I don’t judge you. I know it just slips out, because it used to slip out of my mouth, too. I’m just telling you because the more we can spread the word and educate people on why the word hurts, the faster we can eradicate it. The faster we can eradicate antiquated ideas on what kids like mine are, what they can do, and what defines them. The faster we can make people realize what people like Thatcher can do, rather than focusing on what they can’t.

So with World Down Syndrome day coming up this week (it’s on 3/21… as in 3 copies of the 21st Chromosome… get it?! clever!) I’ve been doing some thinking on what to blog, and I keep thinking of things at around midnight and by the next morning I’ve forgotten. I obviously want to write something WDSD related, but I’m drawing a total blank. However, what has been on my mind lately is just one word: The R-Word.

It’s one of those words we are all guilty of using sometimes. It slips out. Something bothers us, and we say, “That’s retarded.” But what does it really mean? Basically, it means “stupid.” It means developmentally delayed. It means slow. But it’s not just an innocent word. It’s used as a put-down. It’s used to make fun of people with developmental delays. And one day, my biggest fear is, it’s going to be used to make fun of Thatcher.

Let’s face it, chances are that Thatcher is going to have a lower-than-average IQ. And that’s fine. I can already tell he’s a sharp cookie, and with assistance, he will do great things. He will learn and grow and be someone phenomenal. But he might need some extra help to get there. And while times are changing, I fully remember how kids in the “special” class at my school got treated. Some of them were well known and liked, but mainly because people found them funny and laughed half with them, half against them. It’s possible that at times, I laughed at them too. And why? Because they were different? Because they needed some extra help? Haven’t we all needed a hand once in a while? None of us are experts at everything. None of us are “normal,” we are all different from each other. Why are some differences good and some bad?

But I digress. I’m getting off my topic. The fact is, you can argue that the R-word is just a word, but it’s a word that hurts. It’s a word that I’m terrified of. That I have stricken from my vocabulary and sworn not to use. It’s a word that, in fact, I pledged to eradicate from my life. I tried to “Spread the Word to End the Word” on Facebook. And nothing happened. Not a thing. I posted photos and links about ending the use of the R-word, and not a damn person commented. Nobody “liked” it, nobody asked me about it. Nothing. I think it’s that they don’t get the importance of it. They think it’s just a word.

I think people don’t understand how it feels. How terrified I am of that one little word. How much it hurts. Thatcher is going to be so many things. He is going to be smart, strong, handsome, and good. He is going to change the world. He is going to be different, yes. But different is wonderful. Different is not bad, or dirty, or negative, or gross. Different is a great way to see the world. And different is most certainly NOT retarded. So please, take the pledge and strike from your vocabulary the word that is bad, dirty, negative, AND gross. So that it can become obsolete and never be used for the amazing, beautiful boy who lights up my world.