It's way worse than regular butter

Posts Tagged ‘grooming’

I’ve been going to the zoo my entire life. The penguins have always been my favorite. I used to run to the penguin exhibit first thing, eager to get a blue plastic penguin mold or a picture of a penguin pressed onto my penny. I’d laugh and point and dance as they jumped from their little beach front and into the toilet bowl cleaner blue water. They’ve been stars of movies like “March of the Penguins” and “Happy feet” and “Surf’s up”, acting all cute and cuddly. But you know what I’ve come to find out? Penguins are pretty much assholes.

For all the “penguins and cuddly” schtick you’ve heard or seen, how many people have you seen actually cuddling with them? None? Me either. It appears penguins aren’t actually big on cuddling. These things would rather sit on an egg for days than give you a hug. What kind of friend is that? Not a good one. Furthermore, I don’t know how many times I’ve been snubbed by penguins. At least marmosets will look at you. Penguins? Penguins are all “Oh, did you say something? Because I was too busy swimming around like a douchebag.”

Not to mention the egos on those things. I can see wearing black and white to a business function, but to slide around on the ice? Give me a break. I will not be condescended to by some pussy bird that can’t even fly. Yeah, I went there. For all their squeaking and righteousness, they can’t even get off the ground with those demented flipper things. Have you ever even seen them clean up after themselves? I doubt it. Because they’re barbarians, staring silently from behind those beady little penguin eyes.

Even if they hadn’t pecked by brother to death with their evil penguin beaks (they did. Did I mention that?), I’m confident I’d still have a shit load of reasons to expose them for the rude, disgusting, unethical animals that they are (they cheat at Old Maid. I mean, who does that? Honestly.)