University Changes Its Name to Symbolize Its Superiority in Diversity

Divoire held a pep rally to introduce its exciting new inclusiveness-friendly name. Students made a giant banner to celebrate "We're better than diversity!!!"

Divoire University announced a historic change this week when it announced a new name: Divoire Multiversity.

“I had never considered making the change,” said Divoire President Richard C. Clavin, “but our Committee for Proper Language was very convincing in its argument to move to a more positive, inclusive name.”

“We started by analyzing the word ‘university,’” said the Proper Language chair Roberta Romin, who also serves as Divoire’s chief auditor. “It seems that ‘uni’ means one. That didn’t seem very inclusive of our rich campus culture so we suggested renaming ourselves Divoire Diversity, which showed a doubling of our commitment to inclusion.”

President Clavin challenged the committee to push the boundaries of innovation even further and eventually consensus was reached that multiversity was an exciting, inclusive word that best fit the values of the institution.

“The urgency to make the change from ‘University’ to ‘Multiversity’ came when someone from our committee noticed that the keychain given to her at New Staff Orientation had ‘Univeristy’ engraved in it,” said Romin. “We immediately felt that the symbol of a key locking a student’s mind closed was not the image we wanted to project as a uni- oops, multiversity. As for ‘Divoire,’ no discussion was necessary. We unanymously voted to keep the original title to honor the institution’s history and traditions.”

Future steps for the committee include convincing every other college in the country to adopt similar name changes.

“We will do everything in our power to pressure other colleges until they embrace differences the way we do,” explained Romin. “Using the archaic language of university already makes me sick to my stomach when I hear it in the media or from colleagues. A spirit of inclusion is essential to a healthy democracy and it’s important to have stringent rules in place to mandate its value.”

“It’s an interesting concept,” said Drew Gilpin Faust, president of Harvard University. “I’d wondered why I heard hecklers at recent university presidents’ leadership meetings. I can’t say I necessarily agree with such a dramatic adoption of a single change, but I will consider it.”

“That’s unacceptable,” said Romin. “I’ve written a speech for President Gilpin Faust to read at her next event. If she chooses not to use it, I can’t be held responsible for what comes next.”

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