7.38pm: It's a Monday night liveblog! Which means we're into the final furlong of this year's Celebrity Big Brother, and it's time to kick at least one celeb out of the Big Brother house. Don't know who, don't know how many, but no doubt Davina will fill us all in later.

I'll be here from 8pm for the first show, when I guess we'll find out who's up for nomination, then back at 10pm for the post-booting interview. If this all sounds a big vague, it's because I'm a bit poorly today and not terribly up to speed on this evening's events. But hey, we'll make it up as we go along, it wouldn't be the first time.

Back at 8!

7.59pm: We're starting! Davina's got a horrible batwing coat on, with highly unflattering bootcut trousers. That is all I shall say on the fashion matter. The crowd are all being silent, because it is a surprise eviction. I'm missing all the booing.

Yesterday the housemates nominated, and one of them is going in the second show tonight.

8.02pm: In yesterday's action, the housemates have been woken with 5 minutes notice to nominate. Ben goes to the diary room, looking remarkably fresh for a man who's just got out of bed. It's his boyband training, clearly. He nominates Ulrika for being bossy and having a go at him for leaving the toilet seat up, and Coolio for being sexist and taking the jokes too far. All very valid reasons.

Coolio is next, and he nominates Ulrika, for always wanting to be the centre of attention. Because of course Coolio NEVER does that. Then he votes for Michelle for daring to find him intimidating, and for spraying 'dulling spray' on him to take away his shine. Whatever.

8.06pm: LaToya's up next, in some nasty lime green velour track pants straight out of Jordan's wardrobe. She also votes for Ulrika, who is controlling and stares at her in a malicious way, and has a rolling eye. Secondly Michelle, who also has a dancing eye and is Ulrika's evil assistant. I'm not making this up, I promise.

Michelle goes in next and votes for Coolio, because he has a master plan and thinks the world revolves around him. Her second nomination is for Tommy, who is using words like 'homie' and 'brother' and has 'succumbed to the power of Coolio and lost what he stands for'.

If this wasn't so disturbing it would be funny.

Ad break!

8.15pm: Back to the nominations, and Terry has picked Ben, because there is a fear that rises up in Terry every time he looks at Ben. He doesn't know if the world is ready for an A1 reunion, and the singing is starting to get on Terry's nerves. He's too perfect, says Terry, and has to go.

His second nomination is for Verne, because when he'd had a drink the other day he said something random about Terry's insignificance in the world. He's also only washed up twice but wields a lot of power. Is he on crack?

Tommy, who is still calling Ulrika 'Eureka', thinks she is showing a lack of solidarity, so is nominating her. His second vote goes to Michelle for all the whinging and crying. She is immature for 29 years of age, he tells us. Whilst wearing a pink and white t-shirt and a bead necklace, the twat.

8.20pm: Ulrika's up next, and votes for Terry, because whilst he is a decent guy he doesn't really contribute or ask Ulrika questions. He's self-righteous and a know-it-all, basically. Oh, and also a chauvinist. But a decent guy. Her second nomination is for Tommy, because he didn't take part in the two musical/dancing tasks.

In the meantime, LaToya is talking about a reality show she did where she trained to be a police officer. There was a man she pulled over with a broken tail light who had a gun in his car, and she took 200 people to jail, apparently.

She says she still has her title and the badge, and is still a cop. Really? Off the back of a reality show? On that basis Rebecca Loos would hold a veterinary license and be able to masturbate livestock whenever the mood took her, which could be devastating to the farming community

8.24pm: Back in the diary room, Verne is voting for Ulrika, because she gets right on his mini-wick and he might snap at any moment. He also picks Terry, because he overruled Coolio in the singing task when Coolio wanted to put 'a bridge' in the song. I believe this is a musical term for the bit in the middle. He reminds us that Coolio is a song writer, and Terry is not. No, but Terry was on The Word, and saw me through the post-pub hours of 1991.

So, it's Ulrika versus Michelle, and you have to vote NOW because the lines close in half an hour. That's a tough one to call, but I'm going to say Ulrika, because Michelle looks better in her underwear and we all secretly hope she's going to slip and fall on Ben's face. Or is that just me?

Ad break!

8.30pm: So, a bit more from yesterday's action, and they all look like crap, frankly. No-one is speaking, thus it's all a bit dull.

Terry and Coolio are in the ashtray discussing the weather, and global warming. Industry are covering up the effects, says Terry, but Coolio is having none of it. He has studied the subject, he tells us, and doesn't believe global warming is real. "We're coming to an end of an age, the earth's being doing this for millenniums, brother", he tells us, sagely.

Unfortunately Terry is unable to point out any of the 652 reasons why Coolio is an arse, because rising sea levels have swamped the Big Brother garden and he is swept off into the sunset in a giant floating ashtray. But hey, at least Coolio has secured his deal with Exxon to sponsor his online cooking show, so all is well with the world. Apart from melting icecaps and homeless polar bears, obv.

8.34pm: Back in the house, in yet another installment of The Life And Times Of Coolio (volume 17, episode 428), he delights us with details of an incident where he hit another car, broke its wing mirror and drove off, the scamp. Tommy is not impressed with his vandalizing ways, because whilst his stories of being a young man and shooting people are OK, Coolio was 38 at the time of the wing mirror incident. I have no words.

Ooh, a task! They have to eat chillies to earn stuff for a party. What fun.

8.36pm: Our intrepid celebs have to eat three whole chillies to win prizes. They have yoghurt, milk and water to help wash them down. Ben eats his and looks a little queasy, but wins a bottle of champagne. Good man.

Coolio is next, scoffs his chilli and wins a bucket of fried chicken, which gives much cause for celebration. Personally, I'd rather eat the chillies. LaToya struggles, does a bit of coughing and wailing and clearly finds the whole thing a bit upsetting, although that could just be her response to Tommy calling her 'darling'. Or the side effects of her yellow velour tracksuit.

She then goes off to her private bedroom and talks to herself about how it doesn't hurt, cries a bit and blows her nose. Careful, love, it might fall off.

8.51pm: Ben eats his second chilli, but Coolio passes and subsequently loses six lagers. LaToya also passes and they miss out on smoked salmon treats. Michelle eats hers, because she's from the north east and hard as nails.

God, this task is dragging on, isn't it? There's only so long you can watch people eating chillies and bleeding through their eyeballs. Ooh, Verne's asked for the vomit bucket. But he doesn't use it.

Ben eats his third chilli, and I have just noticed that he has very small ears, with no earlobes. Having skipped chilli 2, Coolio eats chilli 3.

Ad break, thank god.

8.59pm: Ooh, it's not an ad break, it's the end of this part of the show! We're back at 10 for an eviction - see you then!

10.03pm: And we're back! I spent the last hour trying to put drops in my giant dog's ears, you?

God, Davina's polyester bellbottoms are HORRIBLE.

Back to yesterday's action (just to fill time before the eviction), and in the bedroom, Coolio is asking Ulrika about what languages she can speak, which leads to a discussion about how the father of her second child was German. Coolio asks how many of her children are black (as you do), and then asks Ulrika if she's ever been with a black man. Seriously, could he BE any more personal?

He then asks why her sleeping-with-a-black-man experience didn't result in pregnancy, and I'm really not sure where he's going with this. Is he suggesting that she is just out there shagging around, begging random men to impregnate her, apart from the black ones? He then asks if she'd like to have a cuddle with him so he can lay his head in her bosom, and I am disappointed that she doesn't tell him to go fuck himself. I would.

10.09pm: Michelle is in the diary room talking about the chilli eating task. She was very impressed with LaToya and Verne's efforts in particular because LaToya is pretty and perfect and Verne has a smaller stomach than the rest of them.

She also admits that the prospect of beating Coolio in the task made her more competitive. She thinks that deep down he's a teddy bear. In which case perhaps someone could shoot him and turn him into a throw rug?

Tommy is in the bedroom, humming 'Ring of Fire'. Hahaha.

10.11pm: The housemates have had a party as a reward for winning the chilli task, but everyone has gone to bed, apart from Terry, Coolio and Tommy who seem to have decided to drink everything that's left, or they'll be letting the side down. Because, let's face it, there's nothing cooler than a bunch of 40-something men drunk and rambling.

Coolio thinks that Michelle acts like she's 20 when she's nearer 30, which is rich coming from a 45-year-old man who has the maturity of cottage cheese. Terry puts this down to her lack of confidence from back when she thought she was overweight, and tries to support her, but Coolio is off on one about her childishness. Meh meh meh.

Tommy expresses his disappointment that she doesn't know what 'integrity' means at her age, and Terry points out that by criticising Michelle for not knowing the word, he's criticising "all the fucking thick types who vote on shows like this". It's good to know he's embracing his audience, isn't it?

I still love Terry. He's the only one who sticks up for anyone in that house.

10.22pm: It's time for someone to leave! Davina interrupts them watching the movie they have made today, and (after the longest pause in the WORLD), it's MICHELLE!!

Ulrika looks gutted, but she's only got a few more days, FFS. Out comes Michelle, and there is much booing. She is also wearing a very lovely but also very non-wintry dress, and must be bloody freezing.

Now, if there's anyone out there who watches the live feed, can you verify something? My Other Half heard tell from a work colleague today that Ben and Michelle were seen lying in bed together at some point - can this be TRUE? Did I miss this episode, or has it been kept from us? Or is it entirely fabricated for mischievous purposes? You decide.

Interview with Michelle after the break...

10.29pm: I'm predicting some uncomfortable interrogation about Ben, which Michelle will get upset about, and try to deflect by talking about how much she hates Coolio.

The reception was better than she thought it would be, she tells us. What, everyone booing? Perhaps they play cheering noises in her ears.

They talk about her incessant crying, which is Michelle's way of dealing with stuff, she tells us. She has no doubt that Coolio is a lovely guy, but also disrespectful to women and has a tendency to rub himself up against them. Nice. He's playing a game in there, and he's nasty sometimes, and she can't respect him for that. So not really a lovely guy then.

10.35pm: They go off on a tangent about potential fancying between LaToya and Tommy. Wha? Don't make me laugh.

Michelle sees what everyone has said about the friendship between her and Ben. She dismisses it all as utter nonsense, but is clearly pissed off about all the sniping.

Ben reminded her of her ex-husband, she tells us. Who was a nice guy, and she has nothing bad to say about him. Boo. Come on, Michelle, make it worth me staying up.

She liked Ulrika (another one who calls her Eureka) and Mutya, Tommy and Terry are Coolio's disciples and they're all having threesomes (or something), and Verne is lovely, apart from when he's hammered. Terry is very knowledgeable, but can be quite dull. And LaToya is playing a game, but we knew that.

BB producers really need to find a way to make these exit interviews more interesting, don't they? Jesus.

We see her best bits, to Lady Gaga's Just Dance (current UK number one, people - don't let anyone tell you I'm not down with the kids). It includes the genius of her 'princess from Shrek moment', and lots of her looking incredibly pretty, even first thing in the morning. My husband is in love.

And that's it for tonight, people! The lovely Carrie will be here for a double eviction on Wednesday, with the gorgeous Anna in the hotseat for the final on Friday. Thanks for joining in, and have a good week. G'night! Hx.