Never Tell Space Lincoln the Odds: Star Wars/Civil War Mashup

A couple of months ago the Tor.com production office, known primarily for its yelling and chili cooking skills, went off on a tangent regarding Abraham Lincoln and Star Wars.

Why? We can honestly no longer remember. Which is a shame, because the conversation apparently produced a script of selected scenes from the original Star Wars trilogy applied to the events and figureheads from the American Civil War.

What follows is a great example of the oddness that occasionally flits through Tor.com. Scene selections below!

SCENE 21

INT. WHITE HOUSE LOBBY

LINCOLN
Well, don't get all mushy on me. So long, Mary!

MARY
(runs after him)

Abe! I thought you'd decided to stay.

LINCOLN
Well, the assassin we ran into at Ford's Theatre changed my mind.

MARY
Abe, we need you!

LINCOLN
We need?

MARY
Yes.

LINCOLN
What about you need?

MARY
I need? I don't know what you're talking about.

LINCOLN
You probably don’t.

LINCOLN continues toward the door. MARY follows.

MARY
And what precisely am I supposed to know?

LINCOLN
Come on! You want me to stay because of the way you feel about me.

LINCOLN
Am I? Then why are you following me? Afraid I was going to leave without giving you a goodbye kiss?

MARY
I'd just as soon kiss Buchanan!

LINCOLN
I can arrange that.
(as he heads for the door again, over his shoulder:)
He could use a good kiss!

SCENE 45

INT. SALOON

LINCOLN is about to leave when JOHN WILKES BOOTH stops him point blank; the muzzle of a pistol is jammed up against his ribcage.

BOOTH
Going somewhere, Lincoln?

LINCOLN
Yes, Booth, as a matter of fact I was just on my way to see your boss, tell Grant I got the treaty…

They retreat to a nearby table and sit, BOOTH’s pistol still trained on LINCOLN across the way.

BOOTH
It’s too late. You should have wired him when you had the chance. Grant has put a price on your hat so large that every failed actor in the Union will be looking for you. I’m lucky I found you first.

LINCOLN
Yeah, but this time I got the treaty!

BOOTH
If you give it to me, I might forget I found you…

LINCOLN
I don’t have it with me. Tell Grant—

BOOTH
Grant is through with you. He’s got no time for Presidents who drop their hat at the first sign of a crowded theatre…

LINCOLN
(slowly draws his pistol from its holster under the table as he talks)
Mary gets tickets sometimes. You think I had a choice?

BOOTH
Tell it to Grant. He may only take your hat.

LINCOLN
Over my dead body.

BOOTH
That’s the idea. I’ve been looking forward to this for a long time.

LINCOLN
Yes, I’ll bet you have!

LINCOLN shoots BOOTH. BOOTH’s head falls to the table and silence echoes through the hall.

Here on Dixie in the Three Sisters System in the Confederation of Democratic Worlds we choose not to refer to the recent unpleasantness as 'The Galactic Civil War', we refer to it as 'The War Between the Planets'.