Does anyone else take the opportunity when someone asks to "give them a sec" to respond with "Have all the secs you want"

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.

Sometimes I think "maybe if I just let this spider bite me I could get superpowers," but then I'm like "I can't handle that responsibility."

That awkward moment when someone holds the door for you when you're 20 feet away so your forced into a weird walk/run.

That awkward moment when you accidentally click on Internet Explorer & you have to wait for it to load so you can close it again.

I guess I should have been a mechanic. Apparently all I'm attracted to are tools.

Looking at Facebook is a convenient way to realize you can't stand most of the people you sort of know.

I wish people were smarter... or quieter.

I've pulled a muscle in my neck looking forward to seeing you.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Guess I'll stop cleaning the house.

You always have that bit of hope inside you during a fire drill, that your school is actually on fire.

Went to the bank today and said I'd like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money."

The aftermath of Hurricane Sandy tells me that we are better prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse than a power outage.

First aid?! You mean Jack Daniels?

The scariest part of the show "I didn't know I was pregnant" is that there are enough of these women to sustain an entire series.

I don't usually say funny things, but when I do, nobody laughs.

Writing "wash me" on someone's car is kind of funny, but writing "I'm watching you right now" is hysterical

Honking your horn is fun but rolling down your window and screaming "honk" at people is just way more satisfying

YOLO should stand for "You Only Live - Ouch" because by the time you say the first three words somebody should hit you

You can learn a lot about a person by the way they react to a slow internet connection.

I think "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills.

Everyone has that 1 favorite piece of clothing that you wear all the time and refuse to throw away.

Imagine being 100% naked and hearing a bunch of loud noises you don’t understand, that’s what it’s like to be an animal.

Never sure if it's a roof rack or a cop car.

Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for -- in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.

I don't care how old you are, the only safe way to guarantee the monster under the bed doesn't grab you is to use the run and jump method.

I'd rather change a tire than a diaper.

Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.

How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?

I am aware that smoking will kill me, please explain to me again how you'll live forever

Spoiler Alert: You drive a Civic, not a Dragon. You don't need a giant wing on the back. Knock that shit off.

My keyboard needs a removable crumb tray like the toaster.

That awkward moment when you don't know how to smile when someone is taking a picture.

Have you ever said something and immediately thought "I didn't know I knew that."

I am pretty sure dry cleaning is a scam where they just laugh and rub money on your clothes then hang them back up in a plastic bag.