Synopsis Haley (Sarah Hyland) has herself a tutor for science class, David. Technically, Claire (Julie Bowen) is paying him to tutor her daughter, but Haley has her own barter system that involves his lips and hers when she gets a question right. (or wrong, whatevs) Alex (Ariel Winter) is naturally jealous, as even the smart guys will go with the dumb girls for a little play, but Claire insists Haley break up with Dylan if she likes this new guy. It's a very emotional moment, breaking up with someone. Especially to Phil (Ty Burrell), who must tell us about the "Water Polo Girls" story.PHIL: So I'm working in the principal's office. She walks in, water all silver from the chlorine. Tells me she wants her varsity jacket back. (No, I said that correctly.) Then I tear up a little. Then I tear up a lot. I'm begging, I'm begging. Then I realize I'm sitting on the button to the high school's intercom system. (really mad) Yuck it up, ladies. It wasn't funny then, and it isn't funny now. It was traumatic, Haley! Don't do Dylan like Linda "The Cannon" Concannon did me.His idea: comfort Dylan after Haley dumps him. Claire wants the whole family to move on, but Haley has already texted the breakup, and Phil can't handle the sad-face emoticon as a result. He's going to eat some cookie dough with Dylan!Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) can't wait for his mother, Barb (Celia Weston), to show up, but Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) could. It's not that she doesn't accept their relationship; she just likes to touch Mitchell in places that are inappropriate for a straight guy and REALLY inappropriate for a gay guy. Mitchell does have boundary issues, as Claire demonstrates by getting really really close to him. ("Force field!") Cameron, being Cameron, thinks his mother is the greatest woman who ever lived. After all, she raised four kids, two barns, and a whole lot of hell!MITCHELL: That sounds like a country song.CAMERON: If it was, it'd be called My Mother is the Greatest Woman Who Ever LivedMITCHELL: Cameron REALLY loves his mother.Jay (Ed O'Neill) wants to stay home from the mall because he has a stomachache. Two extremes in the house, and he's in the middle. Manny (Rico Rodriguez) immediately gets on a medical Website to diagnose every last symptom he has. And at the other end of the spectrum, Gloria (Sofía Vergara) is questioning his manhood, since she's from Colombia and likes to put her dislocated shoulder back like she's Martin Riggs from Lethal Weapon. However, Jay's pain gets worse, so Manny looks it up for him. Gloria interrupts and shuts the computer down. Jay sneaks out and goes to the hospital.A very depressed Dylan comes by the house to collect a few of his things, and Phil finds the perfect opportunity to bond with him especially since he cries at any picture of Haley. Phil really wants to play Dylan a song about the breakup on Dylan's guitar...if Dylan will let him have it. Dylan does suggest helping Phil pick his own guitar, and Phil figures that's good therapy for Dylan. Phil even lets him exit through the front door instead of the window like he normally does with Haley. However, Haley overhears Dylan agreeing to go on a trip to Graceland, which she knows he thinks is simply an amusement park. Of course, the conversation Dylan was with Phil, but she's still ticked Dylan's moved on.Claire suggested to Mitchell he let Barb touch him in an inappropriate place in front of Cameron and make him deal with it. And honestly the onlyinappropriate place Barb can touch Mitchell other than his ass really can't be shown on TV. Yet Cameron is completely oblivious to it, even when Barb searches for a quarter for her lottery tickets...in Mitchell's pants. Naturally, Cameron does catch Mitchell baiting Barb into touching him inappropriately. (Sitcom 101 stuff, folks) Cameron's ticked, and Mitchell tries to explain himself. Cameron instantly (and not completely incorrectly) concludes it's really about Mitchell's own mother not showing him affection. Mitchell finally spells it out...just as Barb walks in on the conversation. She's devastated, Cameron's ticked, and Mitchell's feeling guilty. Barb thinks about Mitchell feeling uncomfortable and wants to apologize. Mitchell says it's his fault, and Barb wants to talk to him about it...while he's taking a bath. And loses her bracelet in the tub. ("Force field! Force field!")Haley is up in arms because Dylan found someone so fast. (Phil) Claire wants her to move on...to David. ("David's smart! David the Tutor! Do you want the house to yourself?") Dylan stops by, and Haley insists he stop playing dumb and tell her who his new girlfriend is. ("I swear! I'm never playing dumb!") But Dylan's "new skank" calls and Haley insists on talking to her. And Phil answers the phone in the girly sweater he loves to wear. Awkward! Dylan tells her he wants some time to be with himself. And Claire can't be happier. Phil does comfort Haley about the breakup, and he finally gets clued in about his girly sweater.Gloria finds Jay at the hospital and mocks him, but Jay was right to go: he had acute appendicitis and had to be operated on immediately. Suddenly, she's panicking. ("Why am I always trying to kill my husbands!?!") Jay isn't worried, but he wants to go into surgery. She refuses to let him go until he forgives her for being so cruel.JAY: Could you go back to not caring, please?