Ever notice how Apple seems to be held to a different set of standards than, oh, every other company ever? Writing on the Wall Street Journal’s ironically-named “Smart Money” site, Quentin Fottrell brings us the dreaded list of “10 Things Apple Won’t Tell You”! (No link because COME ON, but tip o’ the antlers to Bill Hurt.)

Cue dramatic music.

For example, you may be interested to learn that Apple won’t be telling you that you’re tired of buying so many of its products:

…with even Apple’s most loyal customers upset about the steady stream of newer models.

Which, apparently, you are required by law to buy, because you bought that LC back in 1992.

Some commentators chastise Apple for coming out with new iPhones and iPads only once a year. Fottrell says that’s too much. The Macalope wishes Apple’s critics would get together and get their stories straight. Fottrell seems unconcerned that Samsung has come out with 18 flagship phones in the amount of time it’s taken you to read this sentence.

Item number two in Apple’s transgressions against humanity: Apps end up costing too much! Yes, were you aware that with in app-purchases, you can end up spending a lot of money on these things?

(To be fair, Apple doesn’t make Smurfberries or charge consumers to buy more, nor is the strategy by gaming companies unique to apps in the Apple ecosystem).

Ah. To be fair.

Also, Apple uses an inherently unfair system call “capitalism” that benefits the bourgeoisie at the expense of the proletariat!

To be fair, some other companies may use it, too, but …

Oh, jeez, we’re only up to number three, which is “You kids use the dang technology devices and such too much! You should do more like we did when I was young! Get outside and breathe the air and throw some rocks at people!”

4: “You may spend more with our devices” on bandwidth and shopping because you’ll actually enjoy using them, unlike our competitor’s devices. So sorry.

5: It’s been five years since Apple reinvented the smartphone market. What’s the company done for you lately?

Upgrade fatigue isn’t the only thing critics dislike about Apple’s product rollouts; some say the new products aren’t new enough.

Yeah! Apple’s only reinvented two markets in the last ten years! Get on it! Your competitors have reinvented … well, none. But, come on! You’re Apple!

“They emotionally engage you so it’s harder to say no to their products.”

If only the Apple shopping experience were like having a tooth pulled. Like at Best Buy.

8: Other companies sell phones the size of aircraft carrier landing decks with projectors and all kinds of crap in them and Apple doesn’t!

Yeah, if other companies followed checklists of features off a bridge instead of making phones that are a pleasure to use, does that mean Apple should, too?

9: It’s a trap!

Storing digital content like movies, music and books on Apple’s “ecosystem”—the company’s compatible suite of hardware and software—may lock in customers for life.

For life. Fortunately, no other vendor uses things like ratings or DRM-protected movies. Just Apple.

And now we get to the Macalope’s favorite.

10: “Our fans don’t care if we screw up.”

Indeed, many Apple customers stay loyal to the company even when it disappoints them. Earlier this year a group of Apple customers led by Change.org, a for-profit advocacy group, sent a petition to Apple imploring it to improve working conditions at its factories, especially in China. However, the group’s members said they won’t be discarding their Apple products, or even recycling them.

Can you imagine? They wouldn’t even switch to any of the readily-available competing products that are made here in the U.S. by workers getting paid six figures a year to OH WAIT …

So, given the choice between continuing to use the best products available—made by the company that’s actually doing something about workers conditions in China—and Luddism, Apple’s mindless zealots chose to continue using their devices while asking the company to do more. Unconscionable.

Well, this was a delightful exercise in applying standards to Apple that no one expects of any other company, Quentin! The Macalope’s not sure what the purpose of it was, but thanks!

[Editors’ Note: In addition to being a mythical beast, the Macalope is not an employee of Macworld. As a result, the Macalope is always free to criticize any media organization. Even ours.]

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