A man and his wife go to the doctors for a checkup, as he isn't feeling
well. The doctor asks to talk to the wife alone, and so the husband goes and
waits in the car.

"I'm afraid it's bad news", the doctor says, "Your husband has a rare
heart condition that can be fatal, his only hope of survival rests in your
hands".
"Go on", the wife says.
"Well, you must have sex with your husband at least once a day, cook his
favourite meals, clean up after him, excuse his dirty habits, and generally
pamper him."

On the way home in the car, the husband asks, "So, what did the doctor
say?"
His wife replies, "I'm sorry Henry, you're going to die."

Two hunters, Jack and Jim, were tramping through the Ozzie outback and Jack
decided he need to stop for a piss.
And behind the bush he flopped out his old fella out and away he leaked.
A nearby snake thought this was a fighting call and jumped up and bit poor
Jack on the penis.
Jim heard the agonising scream and came running "What happened? What can I
do?"
Jack explained the situation, and mentioned there was a phone box about half
a mile back on the highway.

Jim tore off to the phone box and called the closest doctor and asked what
could be done to help his friend.
The doctor explained that Jim would have to suck the venom out from where
the snakes fang penetrated.
Jim asked, "And what will happen if I don't?"
The doctor replied, "Your friend will die in about thirty minutes."

So, Jim with this information in mind, raced back to his ailing pal.
Jack asked "So what's gonna happen to me?"
To which Jim replied, "Your'e gonna be dead soon!"

A much reknowned 'blue' movie making company is shooting two versions of
it's latest movie, one using circumcised and one using uncircumcised
males.This is so even after the censors have finished, one will still be
the uncut version....

A couple of mates were talking one day about women, sex and such related
subjects, when one of them asked, "What would you do if you came home one
afternoon from work a bit earlier than usual, and found your wife fucking
some other bloke?".

"Well, I'd beat him senseless with his cane and strangle his seeing eye
dog."

DESCRIPTION
sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci-
fied in the command line. If no users are specified, they
are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to
make things more interesting are as follows:

-1 masturbate

-a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option

-b buggery

-B<animal>
bestiality with <animal>

-c chocolate sauce option

-C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)

-d<file>
get a date with the features described in <file>

-e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)

-f foreplay option

-F nasal sex with plants

-i coitus interruptus (messy!)

-j jacuzzi option (California sites only)

-l leather option

-m masochism (see -s)

-M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option

-n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program
kills it)

-o oral option

-O parallel access (orgy)

-p debug option (proposition only)

-P pedophilia (must specify a child process)

-q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am)

-s sadism (target must set -m)

-S sundae option

-v voyeurism (surveys the entire net)

-w whipped cream option

-W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)

ENVIRONMENT
LOVERS
is a list of default partners which will be used if
none are specified in the command line. If any are
specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored.

--------------------------------------------------------
A BOLD NEW PROPOSAL FOR MATCHING HIGH-TECHNOLOGY PEOPLE AND PROFESSIONS

Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right
job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of
dollars of funding. This is particularly true for high-technology
organizations where talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however,
years of detailed study of the finest minds in the field of
psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization have resulted in the
development of a simple foolproof test to determine the best match
between personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be
infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited.

CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is
left.

Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at
least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate
exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at
least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an
actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known
elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate.

Assembly language programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their
hands and knees.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at
random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within + or - 15% of
any previously observed elephant.

Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are
paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an
elephant.

Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at
all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do.

Operations research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat
size and bullet color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies,
if someone else will only identify the elephants.

Politicians don't hunt elephants but they will share the elephants you
catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around
arguing about who owns the droppings.

Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire herd based on the
look and feel of one dropping.

Vice presidents of engineering, research and development try hard to
hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the
VP does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all
possible elephants are completely prehunted before the VP sees them. If
the VP does see a non-prehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment
the VP's keen eyesight, and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any
recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the
assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper
voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes
the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.

Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants
they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens.

Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an
invoice for an elephant.

Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as
desktop elephants.

I have always had this problem. I am oversexed and need to have sex at least
5-6 times a day. I have been to all sorts of experts and quacks to no avail.
In desperation I went to our local chemist shop yesterday to see if they
could help me. I was very nervous as there was a very good looking lady
behind the counter. Finally I plucked up enough courage to go to the counter
and talk to her. After the usual pleasantries i explained my problem to her,
and how desperate I was too find a solution. She became very thoughtful for
aminute or two and asked me to wait for a while and went out the back of the
shop. She returned shortly and said "well I've had a good talk to my sister,
who is my partner and about all we can offer you is $500 per week and a half
share in the profits.

These are from the Readers Digests... from about 10 years ago.. I think that
the statute of limitations have run out.. so I can post them.

When the redoubtable Nancy Astor, the first woman to sit as a member of
Briatin's House of Commons, was asked to pose for a close-up portrait, she
snorted like a hunter confronted with a fence: "Take a close-up of a woman
past sixty? You might as well use a picture of a relief map of Ireland!."

At a reception held in connection with the annual British inter-service
rugby championship, Sir Terence Lewin, then Britain's First Sea Lord, spoke
about the intense traditional rivalry between the army and navy.
He offered a tip on how to distinguish one team from the other on the field.
'The army,' he explained, 'wear red shirts so that the blood doesn't show.
The navy wear blue,' he continued, 'for the same reason.'

Sitting opposite me on a London bus was a cockney woman with a small boy.
We had been travelling at a snail's pace from one traffic jam to another.
An inspector got on the bus to examine our tickets and asked the woman, "Is
the boy under the age of twelve?"

The mother looked at the lad. "Well," she said, "'e was when we got on."

One of the more interesting book-banning episodes involved a catchy number
titled 'Making it With Mademoiselle'. A school board listed it to be
checked by school librarians for possible removal from library shelves. The
volume is safe, however. It is a pattern book.

A couple I know recently had their third child. While his wife was still in
the hospital, the husband excitedly told his friends of the happy event.
One man, however, didn't quite understand the situation when the eager
father delcared "It was three kilos!"

Mark, a fellow fisherman, congratulated him with, "That's great! What lake
was it from?"

While completing a master's degree in geology, I did some fieldwork
collecting fossils. One morning, I drove up to an old farmhouse and was met
at the front door by a tall barefooted fellow. I told him that I was from
the local university and wondered if it would be all right if I hunted for
fossils on his land. He took some time to look me over, then replied, "All
right, I reckon - just don't shoot towards the house."

Don proudly drove his shiny new Ferrari to work and put it in a public
parking area. When he returned to the car hours later, there was a note
under the windscreen wiper. His initial apprehension turned to amusement
when he read: "My car was parked next to your car all day. If any issue
results, I would like the pick of the litter."

The pregnant wife of a fellow employee came into the office to lodge an
insurance application regarding her impending confinement. Given the
necessary form, she sat down at an empty desk to fill it in. After a few
minutes she began to chuckle.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

"They want to know if my problem is accident-related." She returned to the
form, and immediately burst into laughter. "If so," she read aloud, "please
indicate responsible party."

At a department store, a difficult customer and a patient sales assistant
were having a hard time. Nothing the assistant provided was exactly what
the woman wanted. Finally, the finicky shopper said in annoyance, "Can't
you find a smarter assistant to serve me?"

"No," said the saleswoman. "The smarter assistant saw you coming and
disappeared."

A teenage friend of mine happened to be at a service station near his home
one day when a delivery truck drove up with a large crate to be unloaded.
The truck driver, seeing no one else around to help, asked my friend, "Do
you think you could find another boy like yourself to help unload this
crate?" The boy nodded and off he went. Imagine the surprise of the
delivery man when he saw my friend return with his identical twin brother!

Fred Fairbanks died and went to the nether regions. There the head devil
told him he could take his pick of three rooms in which to spend eternity.
The devil opened a door, and revealed thousands of men standing on their
heads on a brick floor. Fairbanks told the devil that he didn't want to
spend eternity doing that. So the devil opened another door, and there were
thousands of men standing on their headss on a wooden floor. Although
Fairbanks thought that was better, he still wanted to see the third
possibility. The devil opened a third door, and there were thousands of men
standing up to their ankles in a foul substance. Each was drinking a cup of
coffee.

"That stuff they're standing in is horrible," Fairbanks said "but I prefer
this room to the other two."

So he walked into the room and the door slammed behind him. Just then, an
assistant devil yelled, "Okay, Coffee break is over. All you blokes go
back to standing on your heads!"

Having made his usual welcome speech, the airliner captain forgot to switch
his microphone off and the passengers heard his say, "You know what I'd like
now? A nice cool beer and then a kiss from that new redheaded hostess."

The hostess ran scarlet-faced down the aisle towards the cockpit, only to be
stopped by a sweet white-haired woman. "You needn't run, dear," she said.
"He's going to have his beer first."

At a dinner where the speakers were representatives for the three armed
services, the naval and army officers both jocularly referred to the air
force as the Cinderella of the services.
Then the air-force officer rose to make his speech. "I know very little of
Cinderella," he began, "except that she had two ugly sisters."

A notorious bore to Oscar Wilde: "I passed your house yesterday."
Wilde: "Thank you very much."

On the morning after our harvest thanksgiving service, the village
school-teacher asked the primary class to name some of the things they had
seen in the church.
"Carrots," said one child.
"Parsnips," answered another.
"Cabbages," said a third.
"Good," replied their teacher approvingly. "Now, can you give me one word
to cover all those things?"
After a long silence, one small boy raised his hand. "Please, miss," he
piped, "Gravy."

A british newspaper sponsored a contest for the best answer to this dilemma:
Assume that in a balloon there are three famous men who have made invaluable
contributions to mankind. The first one made an important medical
breakthrough, the second invented a youth serum and the third is a renowned
nuclear physicist. The balloon runs into a storm and can be saved only if
one of the passengers is thrown overboard. Which man should be sacrificed?
The paper received innumerable lengthy replies citing the merits of each
man. But the judges awarded first prze to a 12-year-old whose answer was:
"The fattest one."

A few days after a visit to my optometrist to be fitted for new glasses, I
received a rather large envelope in the mail. It contained a big sheet of
paper with this message written in huge type: "YOUR GLASSES ARE READY."

Overheard in a bus queue: "I bought a waterbed to help save our marriage,
but we just drifted further apart."

Here's one that isn't a joke, but it's interesting nonetheless..

Love letters posted to an oak tree in Eutin, Germany, have made it the
world's strangest marriage bureau and have brought happy couples together
for nearly a century.
It all started in the 1880's. A travelling businessman used to meet his
girlfriend under the old oak whever he was in the town. Dates were
arranged by notes the lovers left in a knothole. Eventually they married,
right under the same tree. The romantic tale got around.
The tree began receiving more letters from hopeful lovers, and became known
as the Bridegroom Oak. Now people looking for romance line up to wait for
the postman matchmaker. Deliveries are daily, and letters arrive from all
over the world.

Struggling with the English language, the foreigner was frustrated by the
reasoning behind the pronounciation of words like tough, bough, though. He
gave up when he read this newspaper headline: "Bazaar pronounced success."

Two martians landed on a corner right in front of a traffic light. "I saw
her first." One martian said.
"So what?" replied the other. "I'm the one she winked at."

Stopping at my mother's house for a visit, I discovered that my older
brother and two of his children were also there. Jim's boys, aged seven and
nine were soon running about making a general nuisance of themselves.
When their racket had reached a peak, Jim reprimanded them quite harshly.
Mother, however, quickly came to the boys' defence, telling Jim not to be
so hard on them. "Mother!" snapped Jim. "They are *my* children, and I have
the perfect right to correct them." Mother smiled and said softly, "I am
glad that we agree, Jim, I was correcting *mine*."

37. Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

38. Q: What is the mating call of a brunette?
A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?

39: Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.

40. Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.

41. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

42. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.

43. Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."

44. Q: What do blondes do with their assholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

45. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.

46. Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.

47. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.

48. Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex?
A: Open the car door.

49. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.

50. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.

51. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde?
A: Bucket seats.

52. Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A2: "Are you guys all in the same band?"

53. Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.

54. Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.

55. Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

56. Q: Why do blondes have orgasms?
A: So they know when to stop having sex!

57. Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A6: I mean, who really cares?

58. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

59. Q: Why do blondes use tapons with extra long strings?
A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.

60. Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering
what she did with her pencil.

61. Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.

62. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

67. Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.

68. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.

69. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

70. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

71. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

72. Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
Who picks it up?
A1: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,
the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them. There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Tooth
Fairy or a smart blonde and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum
wrapper.

73. Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.

74. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
b. Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

75. Q: Why do blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

76. Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.

77. Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!

78. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

140. Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

141. Q: Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
A: She thought it was pregnant because missed a period.

142. Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!

143. Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

144. Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

145. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

146. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

147. Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

148. Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.

149. Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
where the sun went ? It finally dawned on her.

150. How about the suicide blonde,
she dyed by her own hand.

151. A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde
exclaims:
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"

152. Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron," then we
could do without the ironing lady.
Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do
without the gardener.

153. A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.

154. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell
and hurt ourselves.

155. What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was...

156. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead,
and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainlandand
estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to
try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really
tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired
to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made
it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here
and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more
endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even
got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I
think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten
miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just
in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

157. A blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde
said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull you finger out,
I'll sink?"

158. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a
book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it was
volume seven of the encyclopaedia...

159. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the
bartender: brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

160. Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a
blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver
blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like
that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I
know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."

161. Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.

162. Q: What do you call a blonde wearing a leather jacket on a motorcycle?
A: Rebel without a clue.

163. Q: What does a blonde answer to the question "Are you sexually active?
A: "No, I just lie there."

164. Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming
vase? A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

165. Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

166. Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.

167. Q: Why don't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
A: Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place.

168. Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until
it gets blood.

170. Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

171. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

172. Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

173. Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.

174. Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

175. Q: Why do blondes all have a dimple on their chin and flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!

176. Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.

177. Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.

178. Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

179. Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.

180. Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

181. Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

182. Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...

183. Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm.
She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

184. Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should
cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

185. Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

186. Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
Q: How did she pass?
A: She took the examiner with her.

187. Q: Why was the blonde so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

188. Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked
up by "the fuzz"?
A: "No. But I've been swung around by the tits."

189. Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, betweemn M and W, or at the end?"

190. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her
husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

191. I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
She told me she didn't know how to cook them.

192. A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the
first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote
this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN
SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it
painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the
window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat
curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would
like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down,
walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady
then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm
sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod
across the street.

193. Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the
arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm
going to have a girl, 'cuz I conceived while I was on my back". The 2nd
brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, 'cuz I was on top during
conception". The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"

194. Another blonde in the porno shop:
She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
He answers, "$35."
She: "How much for the black one?"
He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one
before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the
black dildo?"
He: "$35."
She: "How much for the white one?"
He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white
one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much
are your dildos?"
He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've
never had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was
gone?"
To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white
dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

195. Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the Blow
Dryer!

196. (visual Joke) Q. What did the Blonde driver say when she used a
stick-shift for the first time?
A. "How do you shift this thing? <Making Jacking off motions>

Just before he was to go on the air, a radio announcer grabbed a news story
about an African leader who had been assassinated. Realising too late that
he couldn't pronounce the name of the deceased, the reporter sputtered, "His
name is being withheld pending notification of the next of kin."

As a career counsellor working from an office in our home, my wife finds it
difficult to handle the numerous phone calls from salesmen who are only
doing their job but refuse to believe that she is doing hers. One
home-insulation salesman persisted in arguing for 'just one hour' of my
wife's time, despite her insistence that she was busy and that the house had
been insulated within the past year.
His sales pitch ended abruptly, however, when my wife agreed to give him an
appointment the next day - at her usual fee of $45 an hour.

When his business conference was over, my husband decided to do some
sightseeing before his flight home. It was not until afterwards that he
discovered the small town offered no taxi or shuttle service to the airport.
Desperate, he called a parcel-delivery service and asked what it would cost
to send a package to the airport. "Four dollars, sir," came the answer.
"Does it matter how large the package is?" my husband asked.
"No," replied the man, "as long as it fits in my station wagon."
And so, a short while later, the congenial deliveryman picked up his
'parcel' and delivered him to the airport in time for the flight.

On admission to the nursing home where I worked, each new resident was
interviewed by a social worker. During one session, an alert,
twinkling-eyed, 96-year-old was asked, "Did you have a happy childhood?"
"So far, so good!" he replied.

After a very hectic day, my husband came up behind me, put his arms around
me and said, "Happiness is being married to you."
Not really paying attention, I muttered, "Okay, darling." Later, he asked
me if I remembered what he had said and was disappointed when I didn't.
"All right, then," I retorted, trying to get even, "What was the nicest
thing I ever said to you?"
"I do," he answered without hesitation.

As my car was out of action, I went shopping by bus. However, halfway round
the supermarket I realised that in my condition - eight and a half months
pregnant - I wouldn't be able to carry the groceries home.
I approached a young man who seemed to be in charge and asked, "Do you do
deliveries?"
He took in my obvious condition and replied with a smile, "Only groceries,
Madam."

When the maintenance firm sent an elderly man to collect our broken-down
electric lawnmower, we carefully answered his searching technical questions.
I was immensely impressed with his professional approach - until I read the
label he tied to the mower before leaving: "Won't go!"

One day, a woman came into my photography studio with her 10-year-old son
and asked me to take passport-size photos of him. When I had finished, she
had the boy change his jacket and asked me to take a second set of photos.
Intrigued, I asked her why she had had him change clothes. "I have
identical twin boys," she replied, "and the other one hates having his
picture taken. When they need identification photos, I bring in this son
and a second jacket, so anyone looking at the photos can tell them apart."

Many years ago, my father's neighbour, who had always farmed with horses,
decided to catch up with the times and buy a tractor. His wife was
convinced that the purchase was unnecessary. After they had argued about it
for several weeks, she exclained in frustration, "But you don't NEED a
tractor!"
"I know I don't need a tractor," he retorted. "I didn't need you, but I
*wanted* you!"
He got the tractor.

When our local doctor began attending church services, the minister was
delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their
work - the minister referring people to the doctor and vice versa.
One referral from the doctor called at the church office with a note
prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The minister was most
pleased, until he discovered the patient's problem was insomnia.

A friend's daughter was getting married, and the days just before the
wedding were hectic. One night, I helped prepare a large dinner for
out-of-town guests. After the dishes had been cleared away, the happy but
exhausted mother of the bridde joined everyone in the lounge-room. As she
sat down, she softly said, "When this is all over, I plan to say in bed for
a week."
A big smile came over the face of her future son-in-law. "So do I, Mrs B!
So do I!" he boomed.

A plummer who had parked his car in a loading zone placed a note reading
"Plummer Working Inside" under a windscreen wiper. when he returned, he
found a parking ticket under the other wiper with a note: "Traffic Warden
Working Outside."

Returning to her car the other day, my mother was perturbed to see a burly
policeman standing by it. Wondering which law she could have broken, she
approached him with a winning smile and said, "Oh, constable, I do hope I
haven't done anything wrong."
"Madam," the policeman replied, with an air of resignation, "we have to
stand somewhere."

One Saturday, I wanted to get some cash. When I arrived at the bank,
however, I discovered this sign: "Automatic Banking Machine Out Of Order.
Machine was returning too much cash. Sorry you missed out."

[This is an urban myth. Everyone has a wife's brother, or anonymous
workmate who saw something like this happen. Really.]

A man finished a round of golf with a particularly abysmal score. Moving
to the carpark, he found a small river running alongside the car park and
threw his golfclubs, bag and all, into the river. They quickly vanished.
He stalked to his car, and stopped when he got to it, as though
reconsidering; then he turned and returned to the river, and waded in
without hesitation. He fished about on the bottom for the bag, brought it
up, and made for shore. Upon reaching the back, he climbed out, opened the
bag, removed his carkeys, and threw the clubs back into the river.

Being a keen woodworker, I often putter about my workshop quite late at
night when the rest of the family has gone to bed. Once, about midnight, a
car parked next to our house with its stereo blaring away at full volume.

Afraid that the racket would wake the family, I wandered out to ask the
driver to turn it down. I was about five metres from the car when the
engine burst into life and the vehicle shot off with a squeal of tyres. I
caught a glimpse of wide eyes staring at me in fear. Then I realised I was
clutching an impressive-looking mallet and a lethal, long-bladed chisel.

My husband was the commanding officer of a coastguard cutter. One time, at
sea, high winds caused waves to rock the ship so much that almost everyone
got seasick. Nobody could eat anything and keep it down.

One of the young officers, trying valiantly to muster up courage among the
men, was overheard saying, "Look! It's almost over. The moon's coming up."
To which one very sick seaman replied, "Oh, no! Not *that* too."

A few years ago, I ran a business from my home, casting animal figurines in
plaster. One step required dipping each figure into a milky solution to
seal the plaster.

I was in the middle of this process late one day when a salesman appeared at
my front door. After I had spent what seemed an eternity listening to him
prattle on, my timer went off at the back of the house. Jumping at the
chance to get rid of the salesman, I said "You'll have to excuse me, I've
got to run and milk the buffalo!"

"Well," he said as he left in a huff, "a simple 'no' would have sufficed."

In the 1950s, seven major newspapers vied for the New York market.
Sometimes, the competition would send an editor scurrying for a scoop.

One day, a society woman had been hospitalised after being involved in a
scandal. Reporters, including a female journalist from the Daily
Mirror, were stationed nearby awaiting news on the woman's condition. A
telephone call for the journalist interrupted their poker game. Her
editor had a scheme: she was to disguise herself as a nurse, and get
into the patient's heavily guarded room for an exclusive interview. She
agreed to this and returned to the card game.

Two hours later, her editor called back. Yes, the journalist told him,
she had found a uniform and yes, she had made it all the way into the
very room. Stammering with excitement, the editor pressed her: "And
the interview? Did you get the interview?"

"No," she replied regretfully. "The doctor from the Daily News threw me
out."

--------------------------------------

After a late-night movie, a friend and her boyfriend were walking back
to his car, parked in an alley. He suggested a race to the car and gave
her a sporting start. When she reached the car and turned around, she
saw him struggling in the arms of a policeman who called out, "It's all
right - you can stop running. I've got him!"

---------------------------------------

Encountering the item "Choice of Vegetables" on the menu of a hotel
dining-room, my husband and I asked the waitress what the vegetables
were.
"Asparagus," she replied.
"But what is the choice?"
"do you want it or don't ya?"

---------------------------------------

At the height of the Australia-wide controversy over the proposed
damming of Tasmania's Franklin River, I bought two of the green
triangular "No Dams" bumper stickers that became so familiar throughout
Australia. I put one on my car and the other, as a joke, on my father's
vehicle.

The man ahead of me at the check-out counter held up a garden chair.
"Young woman," he said to the salesgirl, "do you think this will look
good on my lawn?"
"I'm sure it will, sir," she answered.
"It won't look so good that someone will take it?"
"Oh, no, I don't think it will look that good, sir."
"Right," he said. "I'll buy it."
After he had paid and left, I remarked to the assistant, "Funny old
fellow, wasn't he?"
"Not really," she said, smiling "That was my dad. We borrowed his garden
chair last summer and still haven't returned it."

-----------------------------

The resolutely flamboyant American painter James McNeill Whistler
habitually gave his paintings such exotic titles as "Arrangement in
Black and White" or "Harmony in Grey and Green." The secretary of his
London club, offered a painting in lieu of long-overdue subscriptions,
finally hit the mark:
"Dear Mr. Whistler. It is not a 'Nocturne in Purple' or a 'Symphony in
Blue and Grey' we are after, but an 'Arrangement in Gold and Silver'."
Whistler paid up.

------------------------------

My office has a message-recording machine on which the caller is asked
to leave a name and address and to spell out any difficult words.
One Monday when I was reviewing the weekend messages, and enthusiastic
young voice gave her name and address and then confidently volunteered,
"My difficult word is reconciliation. R-e-c-o-n-c-i-l-i-a-t-i-o-n."

------------------------------

David Kreeger, an insurance-company executive, is an amateur violinist
who likes to play chamber music with professional violinists. When
asked why he insists on playing with musicians better than he, Kreeger
responded, "Those are the only kind there are."

------------------------------

One day at a peublo in New Mexico, a tour bus pulled up and out
clambered several kilt-clad Scotsmen.
There they stood, with mouths open, gaping at a group of residents
leaning against a wall. The residents gaped right back. Each group
started circling the other, like dogs smelling out the situation.

The men in kilts were the first to give up and went off with their
pleats, sporrans and cameras swinging. The Indians stood stood and
stared. "It doesn't seem fair to charge them to look around, does it?"
remarked one.
"The hell with it," said a second Indian. "I'm going to get my
camera."

One young man who had played many practical jokes on his newly-wed
friends was about to be married himself, and he was very nervous. Would
his friends reciprocate?

Despite all his fears, everything went well. No one offered reasons
"why this couple should not be joined together"; no water pistol
appeared at the receiving line; no obscene telegrams were read; no cake
was thrown on the dance floor. So, after an uneventful exit, the couple
relaxed. They arrived at their hotel, and retired for the night.

The next morning, the groom called room service. "This is Mr. Smith in
Number Ten. I'd like to order breakfast for two."

At which point a voice spoke up from under the bed: "Make that five."

-----------------------------

My husband and I were seated on a city bus while a young woman wearing
exceedingly tight jeans stood nearby. When my husband got up and
offered his seat to her she smiled and replied, "No thank you. These
jeans don't bend."

----------------------------

A steely veteran of many rocket launches, Wernher von Braun was not
without a sense of humour. Once, about to be filmed for a news segment,
he was asked by the sound technician to count slowly, in a normal voice,
so that a proper recording level could be set. Von Braun bevan somewhat
self-consciously: "one... two... three... four... five..." He paused
briefly, then went on with increased confidence: "Five... four...
three... TWO... ONE! There! I'm much better at it *backwards*!"

----------------------------

One Christmas Eve, a Washington DC radio station called the British
ambassador and asked, "What would you like for Christmas?" The
ambassador thought for a while and gave his answer. The next day, he
heard the announcer tell what foreign ambassadors wanted for Christmas:
"The French ambassador said, 'I earnestly desire that next year should
be a year of peace.' The Russian ambassador hopes for a year of justice
for all men. The German ambassador wants to see a greater sharing of
wealth in the world. And the British ambassador said, 'I would like a
box of candied fruit.'"

------------------------------

An Air Hostess is one of the few people to have the last laugh on
Mohammed Ali. Told to fasten his seatbelt, the boxer said: "Superman
don't need no seatbelt." To which the unflappable young lady replied:
"Superman don't need no aeroplane either."
---
þ SLMR 2.0 þ Backup not found: (A)bort ®etry (P)anic

We always take two cars when we go on holiday because our family is so
large. I drive the lead vehicle, and my wife follows in the second car.
To keep me posted on the state of things in her car, she has devised a
few signals I can observe in my rear-vision mirror.

When she turns on her parking lights, it means that she is sleepy and
needs a cup of coffee. When she turns on the windscreen wipers, it
means the kids are getting restless and need to stretch their legs.
Blinking hazard lights tell me that a fight is in progress.

But my favourite signal is the one she uses to inform me that the kids
need to use a rest room. She simply turns on the windscreen squirters.

-----------------------------

A German businessman bought in Italy a painting that supposedly dated
from the Renaissance. To avoid paying duty at the border, he ordered a
landscape painted over the picture. When he got home, he gave it to a
restorer.

A few days later, the restorer telephoned and said, "The landscape has
been removed, and the Renaissance picture too. Under that was a saint.
And now you can see Mussolini emerging. Shall I go on restoring?"

--------------------------------

The Boy Scouts in Surrey called a halt to the daily good deed of two Cub
Scouts. "They had been warning drivers to watch out for a radar speed
trap down the road," explained their group leader.

--------------------------------

In a town near our army base, a policeman was about to book a
long-over-parked car. He changed his mind, however, when he read the
sticker on the windscreen: "This car is the property of the Canadian
government. Traffic tickets must be accompanied by the regulation seven
carbon copies."

------------------------------------

To wash his tiny French car, a restauranteur friend pours over it a
detergent solution from an ordinary watering can. The other day while
he was sprinkling the car top with the can, a passing motorist paused to
watch, then yelled, "You're wasting your time, mate - that thing won't
grow any more."

------------------------------------

Since Alice Friend started reading parking meters for a suburban New
Jersey police department, her name has caused an unforeseen
complication. Image the number of perplexed motorists who, having
overrun their parking time, find their summonses signed by "A Friend."
---
þ SLMR 2.0 þ Nothing is so smiple that it can't get screwed up.

After learning the Lamaze method of natural childbirth, I was admitted
to the delivery room with my wife. It seemed like an eternity before
the doctor finally announced, "I've got the head now; just a few more
minutes."

"Is it a girl or a boy?" I asked excitedly.

The doctor replied, "It's hard to tell from the ears."

-------------------------------------

During an exhausting day at an amusement park with our two children,
we'd ridden everything at least twice. We had also won a stuffed pink
panther, which resulted in a lot of arguing between the kids over who
was to hold it. Finally, we arrived at the exit, which was crammed with
dozens of weary families.

But a puppet show had just begun, and the kids had to see 'just this one
last thing'. Too tired to argue at this point, we agreed and sat down.
Suddenly, my younger daughter, wanting to clap for the puppets, rushed
over and shoved the pink panther into my hands - and into my burning
cigarette. A moment later, I realised the stuffed animal was
smouldering. Panicking, I began to beat it on the ground.

I didn't consider how this must have looked until a passing woman patted
my shoulder. "There, there," she said, "I know just how you feel."

----------------------------------------

As my doctor was penning my prescription,I couldn't help commenting on
his impeccably elegant handwriting. "Yes, I know," he said. "I'm a
disgrace to the profession."

An Englidhman, Scotsman, and Irishman see a sign in a travel agent's window
reading "Pacfic Cruises: $15 plus GST". Ethusiastic, they go in, each pay
their $15, and are sheperded into a back room where they are uncerimoniously
bashed over the head with a length of pipe.

They come to in a small boat in the middle of the Pacific, without oars,
sails, food, or water, and with no land in sight.

"Pacific _Cruise_?" asks the Englishman. "I'm going to be forced to write
to the Times over this!"

"Maybe," says the Scotsman, "they'll send out a helicopter or something to
look for us."

A tearful young woman complained to her doctor that her marriage was
going down the drain. "When we were newly-weds," she cried, "it was
pure madness. He would grab me round the waist, spin me round the room,
knock over the furniture, rip the table-cloth off the dining-room table
with all the dishes on it, then kiss me passionately on top of the bare
table. Now there's nothing."

The doctor was sympathetic. "Take these pills," he said, "and put them
in your husband's morning coffee. They'll solve all your problems. And
let me know how things go."

A week later, the doctor discovered to his horror that he had given his
patient triple-strength pills. but he was pleasantly surprised when she
walked in beaming and told him, "Everything's just wonderful! The
hugging, the spinning, the chairs flying, the tablecloth, the dishes on
the floor, the kissing - It's been glorious!"

The doctor was pleased, but he felt guilty about over-prescribing. He
confessed what he had done, then asked, "Can I at least pay for the
dishes?"

"By no means," she said. "Anyway, I don't think they'll let us in that
restaurant again."

---------------------------------

A second-rate tenor at La Scala was so happily surprised when somebody
yelled "Encore!" after his big aria that he promptly sang the whole
thing again. More shouts of "Encore" went up, and the delighted tenor
went through it twice more.

Finally, the same voice roared out from the balcony: "Again! Do it
again! And keep doing it until you get it right!"

It was a beautiful day as we made our way up a steep mountain, and we
were all enjoying the clinb - Except for one friend who, unused to such
strenuous activity, was puffing her way up with frequent pauses to get
her breath back.

At last, the summit was in sight, and as she gazed upwards, obviously
doubting her ability to make it, someone said, "Come on, two more pushes
and you're there."

"Oh no," she gasped, "The last time someone said that, I ended up taking
a baby home with me."

----------------------------------------

Our consultant rheumatologist entered the cubicle where an elderly woman
lay on the examination couch, discreetly covered by a blanket.

After examining her joints and particularly her knees, he proceeded to
lecture the old woman on the damage she had inflicted on herself through
what must have been years of scrubbing floors. She must buy a
long-handled mop, rest for several hours a day, and stay off her knees
completely.

As he spoke, the clinic sister waved her hand energetically behind the
patient's head in a vain bid to attract his attention.

Eventually, in a strangled voice, she said, "I must tell you, sir. This
woman is a nun."

-------------------------------------------

My fellow science students and I were at the mercy of a lecturer who was
making the discussion of biological drives rather dull. Our class was
livened up considerably, however, when the professor asked what we
thought caused lemmings to throw themselves into the ocean in a
senseless mass suicide.

- ever hear about the pom who thought that asphalt was rectum trouble?
-how bout the pom who lost its elevator operators job cause he couldnt
learn the route?
-and the pom who took a roll of toilet paper to a crap game..
-or the one who studied for 5 days to take a urine test..
-a level headed pom is one who has shit comming out both ears at he
same time..
-poms make the best astronaughts though.. the took up space in school.

one day the parts of the body were having a discussion, the eyes said that
since they were the ones that showed the way they should be in charge, or
more commonly known as THE BOSS. the mouth spoke and said that as it took on
all the food it should be THE BOSS. then the legs said if it wernt for them
the rest of the body wouldnt get around, so they should be THE BOSS. it was
then that the asshole said it should be the boss. the rest of the body parts
laughed at him so he stopped up. the eyes got to watering, the mouth
couldnt take on any more food, and the legs got shaky, so they gave in....
so now we kno that the asshole in always THE BOSS.

when things go wrong, as they usually will,
and your daily road seems all uphill,
when morale is low and the works piled high.
when you try to smile but can only cry,
and when you really feel you'd like to quit,
dont run to me... I DONT GIVE A SHIT !!

Now it came to pass that the Prophet Ryan became an extreme nuisance to the
King, and so he did throw him into the Lion's Den, where there was much
weeping and gnashing of teeth.

On the first day after his confinement, for on the day he was confined the
second day did follow, and the previous being the day he was confined, the
King went unto the Prophet Ryan where he abode in the lion's den and he did
ask of him, "How go it with thee, O Prophet?"

The Prophet lit up with a vision and said unto the King "Lo, O King, it
locks."

"What locks?" cried the King, for he was tested by the Prophet's
proclamation.

"Bollocks!" roared the Prophet Ryan, and the King was shamed with the earthy
wit and bought the round of drinks.

Now on the second day after the Prophet's confinement, verily, being the day
after which the King did first visit which was the day following the day of
confinement, the King again went unto the Prophet where he abode in the
lion's den and he did ask of him, "How go it with thee, O Prophet?"

The Prophet was seized with wisdom and said unto the King, "Lo, O King, it
tickles."

The King, struck dumb by the wisdom inherent in the statement, cried "O
Prophet, what tickles?"

"Testicles!" roared the Prophet Ryan, and again the King was shamed with the
earthy wit, and drinks were again on the King.

Now the King did become increasingly vengeful, and as doth the proverb say
"A vengeful man becomes extremely pissed", and so he did. And with the most
animal of cunning and deviousness he did compose a plan so sly that with an
orange stripe and a hound chasing it and rending its testicles with canine
fangs, indeed it would be called a fox.

So on the third day, which was the day following the day which was in turn
following the first day after the Prophet's confinement, and the Prophet's
confinement being three days before the third day, the King did approach the
Prophet Ryan, and seeking to ensnare him in the sly plan, he asked the
Prophet "How go it with thee in yonder hole, O Prophet?"

But the Prophet, seeing the sly trap the King deviseth, was seized with most
oracular insight, and did steal the King's punchline, roaring "Asshole!" at
the top of his lungs, and yet again, drinks were on the King.

Now on the fourth day, which was the day before the fifth day following the
Prophet's confinement, which in turn was forty-eight days before the Feast
Day of Saint Eustachius of the Useless Miracle, the King again approached
the Prophet Ryan.

And the Prophet, becoming extremely vexed by this visitations, did take upon
a portion of lion's dung of the bigness of a cubit and a span, and did hurl
it at the King.

Indeed, the dung did hit the King in the face, and he cried "Shit!", and the
entire court of nobles bent their knees and STRAINED, for they dared do no
other.

Here endeth the lost biblical scroll of The Prophet In the Lion's Den.

Admittedly not my best piece of gospel, but still important. Comments
appreciated to either my Prophetly incarnation or my mortal half, Ryan
Hartigan, for my Prophetly self only dwells in the land of Board Shitless.

Magot Astor wife of the Libral PM of Britain <dont ask me when or which
one> was well Known for her acid wit
[B

On a visit to Hollywood Margot Asquith met Jean Harlow. Apparently, the
film-star had not encountered the name *Margot* before and asked if the *t*
was pronounced or not. Came the reply: "No. The *t* is silent - as in
Harlow"
__________________________________________________________
Eva Peron once visited Europe but was not received as she thought
appropriate for the powerful wife of the ruler of Argentina. During a tour
of Northern Italy she complained to her host that a voice in a crowd had
caller herr a *whore*. He replied:

Quite so. But I have not been on a ship ffor fifteen years and they still
call me Admiral"

___________________________________________________
Calvin Coolidge once made a notable squeich. A young girl gushed "Oh Mr
President, Poppa says that if I can get three words out of you he will buy
me a fur coat.

The boss arrived at his office with a terrible headache. "That's funny,
boss," commented an employee. "A few days ago, I had a terrible headache
too, but it didn't last long. My wife pulled me over to the sofa, gave
me a big hug and a kiss - one thing led to another and presto! My
headache went away."

The boss put on his hat. "I've tried everyhting else," he muttered.
"Is your wife at home now?"

-----------------------------------------------------------

Back when Catholics weren't allowed to eat meat on Fridays, a Protestant
moved into a mostly Catholic neighbourhood. Every Friday, he'd barbecue
a thick, juicy steak, and the aroma would drift over a wide area.
Finally, his neighbours could stand it no more. They marched together
to his home and persuaded him to convert to Catholicism. A month later,
the Protestant was at church, ready to be baptised. The priest
sprinkled holy water on him and said, "You were born a Protestant, you
were raised a Protestant, and now you're a Catholic."

The following Friday, the new convert began barbecueing a thick, juicy
steak as usual. His neighbours, smeling the aroma, were appalled and
stormed over to say this wasn't allowed. As they got to his yard, they
saw him gleefully sprinkling water on his steak, saying, "You were born
a steer, you were raised a steer, and now you're a fish."

When old Isadore Litvak, dealer in ribbons and buttons, died of a heart
attack, he left, toeveryones surprise, insurance policies that totalled
$10,000. {Ok, so it's an old joke; you deal with inflation, I'll tell the
joke}.
Did this in some small measure, help console the widow? No. For what
the poor lady wailed was: `My poor Isadore - all his life he worked, day
and night, and we lived poor as mice, and just when God desides to drop a
fortune in our lap, Izzy drops dead!'

---------------

An Irish chap, drowning, was pulled out of the water, and an excited
crowd gathered, crying, `Stand back!' `Call a doctor' `Give him artificial
respiration!'
`Never!' cried his wife. `Real respiration or nothing!'

---------------

Benny and Moe wanted to give their mother a new and different birthday
present. They went from shop to shop until, to their wonder and delight,
they found - a parrot that spoke Yiddish! This astonishing bird cost $500,
but the devoted sons decided it was worth it. Think of the hours and hours
of pleasure their old-fashioned mother would derive from conversing with
the extraordinary parrot; and think of the admiration the bird would elicit
among Mamma's friends in the sisterhood!
So the soons bought a beautiful gilded cage, and placed the parrot
inside, and had the singular birthday gift delivered to Mamma.
Then, in great excitement, they telephoned: `Mamma, mamma, how did you
like your present?'
`Delicious!' said Mamma.

--------------

The phone rang at the nurse's desk in Ward Four.
`Nurse, can you tell me how Hershel Resnick is getting along?'
The nurs consulted her charts. `Just fine. The doctor says he can go
home on Thursday....Who shall I say called him?'
`No one. I'm Resnick. That doctor treats me like an incompetent and
wont tell me a thing!'

-------------

And there's more where that came from,....
In fact, there's one I'm looking for in particular,....

Well, I'd like to see the prenuptual agreement on this one, {So I think
might a lot of people!}. Microsoft billionare Bill Gates is getting
married (to a marketing manager at Microsoft, Melinda French), and rumor
has it that the wedding may proceed thus:
"The words `for richer for poorer' will be replaced with `for richer, or
for even richer'.
The reception will be held at Microsoft so that people can continue
working.
After the wedding, the bride will turn and laugh at all the women in the
world.
Melinda will find out on the wedding night (to her great disappointment)
where Bill got the name `Microsoft'.
After three years of marriage, Bill will announce an upgrade to Wife 2.0

Phoning her neighbour in the next flat, a woman yelled, "If you don't turn
that stereo down, I'll go insane!"

"Too late," came the reply. "I turned it off an hour ago."

-------------------------------------------------------

A motorist pulled over on a side street to take a nap. As he settled down
in the seat and closed his eyes, a jogger rapped on his window to ask the
time. Bleary-eyed, he found his watch and proclaimed it to be 8.am.

Sleeping at last, he was soon awakened by another jogger rapping on the
window. "Excuse me, do you have the time?" he asked. Looking at his watch
again, he told the man it was 8.30.

At this rate he wasn't getting much sleep, so he wrote a short note and
stuck it on the window for all to see. It stated: "I don't have the time."

Again the man settled down for his sorely needed nap. A few minutes later
another jogger came along and began rapping on the window. "Hey, mate," he
said, "it's a quarter to nine."

----------------------------------------------------

While visiting Mexico City, a tourist walked into a pub and sat down.

"What'll it be?" asked the barman.

"Anything that will make me feel good," answered the man.

With that, the barman proceeded to pour the customer a shot of tequila. The
tourist took the glass and downed the fiery liquid with little effort. The
barman, looking on in amazement, began to pour another drink. As he did, he
asked, "Do you feel anything?"

"No. Don't feel a thing," replied the tourist as he guzzled his second
tequila with incredible ease.

"Do you feel anything now?" asked the barman.

"No. Can't feel a thing," the man said, pushing his glass towards the barman
for a refill.

In frustration, the barman began to pour a third shot when the man
continued, "No. Can't feel my hands, Can't feel my lips. Can't feel..."

Our spaniel is a very boisterous and highly-strung animal. One day, I
returned home from a shopping trip to find the finely shredded remnants
of an advertising brochure on the hall floor. With a great deal of
effort, I pieced them together to find that it was from a local firm
that sold burglar alarms. It read: "Just think! A burglar could enter
your home as easily as this did."

----------------------------------------------

One day, I saw an old woman coming out of the local supermarket with
two large bags of groceries. I offered to help and carried them to her
house about 10 minutes away. When we got to her front gate, she
extended her clenched hand and said, "Here, have a drink on me." She
was so insistent that I had to accept the gift.

She put something into my hand and walked into her house. Later, when I
looked in my hand, I found I had been given a teabag.

----------------------------------------------

While working in Burma, I wanted to book a flight from Akyab, near the
Bangladesh border, to Rangoon. I was not getting much satisfaction from
the airline office, since flights to and from this remote area tend to
be spasmodic. Eventually, I lost patience, banged the desk top and
shouted, "Is there, or is there not, a flight to Rangoon at three-twenty
p.m.?"

The tiny Burmese clerk drew himself up to his full height and replied
with crushing dignity. "Oh yes, sir, certainly there is a flight. Only
we do not know yet whether or not there will be an aeroplane on it."

------------------------------------------------

I wave my hands around when I talk - especially when I'm excited - and
so does my secretary. Driving back from a business lunch, we had
stopped at a traffic light and were animatedly discussing a point raised
by the guest speaker.

Suddenly, I became aware of being watched. I turned my head and found a
motorcycle policeman peering intently through my window. Winding it
down, I asked, "Have I done anything wrong, constable?"

"Not yet," he smiled. "I'm just waiting to see who throws the first
punch."

------------------------------------------------------

Shortly after being promoted, our over-zealous young production manager
instructed that in future all communication with him must be in writing.
The following morning, he met an elderly member of staff who silently
procuced from his waistcoat pocket a small card and presented it to him.
On it, in copperplate handwriting, were two words: "Good Morning."

At a recent race meeting, we were surprised to find an Anglican
clergyman and his wife among our party, placing small bets on each race
and thoroughly enjoying the day.

At lunch, I found myself sitting next to the minister, who turned to me
with a mischievous grin and said, "When I left home this morning, the
Good Lord told me, 'You're on your own today, Arnold.'"

----------------------------------------------------

The new air-force conscript was assigned a routine maintenance job by a
flight-sergeant and given the standard instruction card, carrying
details of the work to be done. Although the task should have taken
only an hour, after nearly four hours there was still no sign of the new
man, and the flight-sergeant went to investigate.

To his amazement, he found that the man had removed the entire engine
from the aircraft, no mean feat in itself.

Mister Cole has remote control
And remote control has he
He gets CNN
He gets HBO
And he gets his MTV
Skipping through the dial
All night from dusk to dawn
Grazing four and eighty channels
And still there's nothing on.

To: ALL Fwd From: Shitlinked Chat to Other Boards
Subject: The State of Our Country...

The country was in a terrible state,
Parliament sat for the budget debate,
It was quite a few moments before Ruth Richardson spoke,
Then she said "SEX WILL BE TAXED, FIVE BUCKS A POKE"

"Whether you're short, long, skinny or thick,
the tax will be paid on the use of your prick"
Then Graeme Lee said " Ruth, look here,
Will the tax apply to the boys who are queer?

Lockwood Smith rose and looked rather glum,
'Will I be exempt because I like bum?"
Ruth replied and sounded quite airy,
"You'll pay double, you dirty old fairy".

Up rose w*nst*n p*t*rs, to tremendous applause,
He grabbed Jenny Shipley and ripped off her drawers
He straddled across her and stuffed her at will
Then shouted at Ruth, "Put that in your bill!

Jim Bolger then shouted "I think I'll resign!
I haven't had sex for a very long time.
I dream every night of a big juicy crotch,
But five buck a go, thats too bloody much!"

The debate carried on, Oh what a sight!
John Banks was wanking the whole of the night.
M.P's were comming, the speaker came last,
And in the excitement, the dumb bill got passed!

So now in the bedrooms of New Zealand at night,
There's many a fanny thats closed up tight.
They're taxing our books, there're taxing our smokes
And now the bastards are taxing our pokes.
If five bucks a grind is what we must pay
It's now with ourselves that we must play,
To quench our frustrations we must have a wank,
And for the state of the country, we have Ruth to thank!

To: ALL Fwd From: Shitlinked Chat to Other Boards
Subject: Is there a Santa?? _Was_ There ever?

The following was sent by email to me from some students in America. I
don't know if they did this themsleves, or if they got it from some one
else. But it amuses me nonetheless.

IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help
from that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am
pleased to present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only
Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since
Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist
cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million
according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3
5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's
at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west
(which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is
to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has
1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney,
fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat
whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the
sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8
million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we
know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),
we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2
million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least
once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-
made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles
per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds),
the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could
pull TEN TIMES the normal anount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even
nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.

Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen
Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In
short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the
reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The
entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times
greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)
would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas",
but we have a little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling all came
down with VD from the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords leaping have
knocked up the eight maids a milking and the nine pipers playing have all
been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The
six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves
and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my ass in bird shit.

On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, seven of my
reindeer are in heat, Rudolph went "free agent" and joined the Easter Bunny
for $1.5 million and incentive bonuses, the elves have joined the gay
liberation and those dumb assed eskimos have scheduled Christmas for 5
February 1991. And I want to retire.

>I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas",
>but we have a little problem up here. The twelve fiddlers fiddling all came
>down with VD from the ten ladies dancing. The eleven lords leaping have
>knocked up the eight maids a milking and the nine pipers playing have all
>been arrested for doing weird things to the seven swans a swimming. The
>six geese a laying, four calling birds, three french hens, two turtle doves
>and the partridge in a pear tree have me up to my ass in bird shit.

>On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, seven of my
>reindeer are in heat, Rudolph went "free agent" and joined the Easter Bunny
>for $1.5 million and incentive bonuses, the elves have joined the gay
>liberation and those dumb assed eskimos have scheduled Christmas for 5
>February 1991. And I want to retire.

Aya - Santa me an da boys were kicking this around anda we gotta a
offa you canna refuse Ay! Ifa you leave the 12 days of Christmas to us
we gonna help wid da fiddlers, ladies, lords and da rest of da crowd -
they gonna do their jobs or day gonna wine up with made to measure
concrete over coats yes?

You don worry about da Mrs - we got some freindly kids just love to sit
on Santa's knee (if ya know what I mean) . As to Rudolph we gonna get
him onto a contract again at a price you can afford. You don worry that
raindeer he'll sign! The others well a bit of heat never hurt anyone
especially when well get a couple of the boys with their own heaters
keeping a watch on da little sweethearts. I will speak to the elves
pussonally they will be comming back gay lib or not they gonna make dem
toys ay!. An the Eskimos - well we have a saying in da family "Eskimos
- what eskimos".

So you relax Santa and me an da family gonna take care of all your
problems ay! We gonna reason with dem - yes?

To: ALL Fwd From: Shitlinked Chat to Other Boards
Subject: I have a 115K file of this stuff...

Q. What is the hardest part about writing a "Ronald Reagan" simulator
for a computer with 8k of memory?
A. What to do with the other 4k.

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb ???
A. None its a hardware problem

Q. How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb ??? A.
None, it's a user's problem

An IBM man year is 700 people trying to finish a project before lunch.

How many bits are there in a byte?
Seven and a bit.

Q. How many air traffic programmers does it take to change
a light bulb?
A. One to get the edison lamp, and another to get the sticky tape!

do you know the difference between a computer salesman
and a used car salesman?
A used car salesman knows when he's lying!

Ibm have launched a new typewriter.
It is called the reagan model
It has no memory and no colon .

Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC75-00439-00,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10%
of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank",
and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists
of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".

Heard about the new Russian operating system ?
DOStoyevsky

What's the difference between next, the clothes company and NeXT the
computer company?
One makes clones and Steve Jobs doesn't.

A friend of mine once worked in an off license. Another friend of mine
(known to be into computers) walked in. He bought large quantities of drink
before asking, "Could I have a carrier please ?".
Of course, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH", came the reply

Q. How many maintenance programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 10, 1 to change it and 9 to try and get the old one to work

Q. How many apple employees does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 3, 1 to change and 2 to sue anyone else you tries it with a
'look and feel' suit

Q. How many Civil service programmers does it take to change a
light bulb?
A. 1000, 1 to change, 999 to complete the documentation.

How many Computer Shopper readers does it take to change a lightbulb? Seven
One to change it and six to say how much quicker they could have done it on
an Atari ST.

Q. How many dBASE programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? A. Three.
One to write the lightbulb extraction routine, one to
write the lightbulb insertion routine, and one to write the
locking routine to make sure no-one else tries to change it at the
same time.

Q. How Many real maintenance programmers does it take..?
A. "I'm Sorry but we couln't find anything wrong with it.."

Q: How many IBM Technical support staff does it take to change
a light bulb.
A: 100, 99 to ensure you are using it correctly and one to
refer you to the dealer you purchased it from.

Q: How many LAN dealers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three, one for the bulb, one for the upgrade, and then a
techie to keep you company till dawn downloading patches
until the light is no longer required.

How do you make a small fortune from software publishing?
Start with a large fortune

Did you hear about the irish dot matrix printer?
It ran out of toner.

Did you hear about the irish monitor?
THe escape key didn't work.

Why do computers in orbit run faster?
They are running in zero weight state.

Why do coin operated computers run faster?
They are using cash.

How many Apple employees does it take to change a light-bulb?
Three. One to hold the ladder, one to change the light-bulb,
and one to sue anyone who tries to copy the "look and feel"
of the changing of the light-bulb.

*smile* There is so much more...some good ones too..I'll post 'em another
time

Many have experienced the confusion of traffic accidents and have had to
summerize correctly what happened in a few words or less on insurance or
accident forms. The following quotes were taken >From those forms and
were eventually published in the Toronto Sun
Paper.

1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a
tree I don't have.
2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of
it's intentions.
3) I though my window was down, but I found out it was up when I
put my hand through it.
4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
7) The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of
times before I hit him.
8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way
home, as I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up,
obscuring my vision.
11) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the
wheel and had an accident.
12) I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble, when my
universal joints gave way, causing me to have an accident.
13) As I approched the intersection, a stop sign suddenly
appeared to stop in time to avoid the accient.
14) To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
pedestrian.
15) My car was legally parked as it backed into the other
vehicle.
16) An Invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and
vanished.
17) I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my
hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.
18) I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side
of the street when I struck him.
19) The pedestrian had no idea which way to go, so I ran over
him.
20) I saw the slow moving, sad faced gentleman as he bounced off
the hood of my car.
21) I was thrown from my car as it left the road, I was later
found in a ditch by some stray cows.
22) The telephone pole was approching fast, I attempted to swerve
out of it's way, when it struck the front of my car.

The Census taker knocked on the door of a backblocks shack. An oldtimer
came out, asking what he wanted.

"The government has sent us across the country to find out how many people
live in the nation," the man replied.

"I'm sorry you came all the way out here to ask me," said the old man,
"because I haven't got the faintest idea."

-----------------------------------------

Two men died and waited at the pearly gates for admission into heaven.
"We've got room for only one more," Saint Peter declared. "Which one of you
is more humble?"

-----------------------------------------

The Shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then
one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel
pulling out towards him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the
marooned sailer a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's
compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still
want to be rescued."

----------------------------------------

A prison officer explained to the condemned man that he could have anything
he wanted for his last meanl "Would you like lobster? Filet mignon or beef
Wellington? Maybe some caviar or a prawn cocktail?"

"No," the prisoner said, "I'll just have a bowl of mushrooms."

"Why mushrooms?" the warden asked.

"i've always been afraid to eat them."

---------------------------------------

"Your mother has been with us for 20 years," said John. "Isn't it time she
got a place of her own?"

"My mother?" replied Helen. "I thought she was *your* mother."

--------------------------------------

It's the year 2210, and the planets have long been colonised.
Interplanetary flight is as everyday as transcontinental flight, and on one
of these interplanetary liners a Martian colonist strikes up a conversation
with the passenger next to him.

'Where are you from?' he asks.
'Earth,' is the reply.
'oh really? by any chance do you know...?'

--------------------------------------

A tearful woman phoned a weight-watcher's group to wail that her husband had
just given her a lovely present and she couldn't get into it. She was given
an appointment and told, "Don't worry, we'll have you wearing that dress in
no time."

"Dress?" the woman sobbed. "It's a Porsche!"

---------------------------------------

A father took his children to the zoo. All were looking forward to seeing
the monkeys. Unfortunately, it was mating time and, the attendant
explained, the monkeys had gone inside their little sanctuary for some
togetherness. "Would they come out for some peanuts?" asked the father.

Clem decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily
timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest chainsaw model and
assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day
with it.

But the first day Clem barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he
arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third
day he got up even earlier but managed to achieve only a total of one and a
half cords.

Clem returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation.

'Well,' said the salesman, 'lets see what's the matter,' He then pulled the
cable and the chainsaw sprang into action. Leaping back, Clem exclaimed,
'what the heck is that noise?'

-------------------------------------------

With 20 years to serve in prison, a man killed time by training an ant in
his cell. After some years the ant spoke two languages, did gymnastics and
whistled. just as it was learning to sing, the man was freed. He took the
precious ant with him in his pocket, hoping to make a lot of money with it.

He went straight to a hotel and, after receiving his drink, found he could
not resist the temptation to show off the ant's talents. placing it on the
bar, he called to the waiter, 'look at this ant!'

The waiter immediately crushed the ant with his fist and apologised, "please
forgive us, sir."

-------------------------------------------

A solicitor was trying to console a weeping widow. her husband had passed
away without a will.

"Did the deceasd have any last words?" asked the solicitor.

"You mean *right* before he died?" sobbed the widow.

"Yes," replied the solicitor. "They might be helpful if it's not too
painful for you to recall."

"Well," she began, "he said, 'don't try to scare me! You couldn't hit the
side of a barn with that gun.'"

--------------------------------------------

When the creator was making the world, he told Man he was giving him 20
years of normal sex life. Man was very unhapy about this and asked for more
- but was refused.

The monkey was then offered 20 years. "I don't need twenty," protested the
monkey. "Ten will do."

"May i have the extra ten years?" pleaded man, and this time the Creator
graciously agreed.

Then he offered the noble lion 20 years. The lion didn't want more than ten
either, so Man asked for the surplus and was granted ten more years.

The donkey was offered 20 years, but said ten was ample. Man again begged
for the spare ten years, and got them. This perhaps explains why man has 20
years of normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years lion
about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.

-----------------------------------------

My father-in-law, late for his dental appointment, drove at some speed into
the dentist's car park, screeched to a halt, then dashed inside. His
dentist examined his teeth in silence, then remarked, "Well, Mr. jones, your
teeth should last you a lifetime."

"Easy. At forty kilometers per hour the exhaust rattles, at sixty the door
rattles, and at eighty I rattle."

----------------------------------------

When my wife and I were visiting Brighton, England, as tourists, we got a
parking ticket. I posted the fine with a note, saying that the meter maid
was only doing her duty in booking us, that we enjoyed all the people we
met, and that we had a marvellous time. What follows is the Brighton police
station's reply:

Dear Mr. Nelson,
Your letter has been passed to me as the police commander for this area due
to its being looked on as unusual. I say this because the normal letter in
these circumstances contains invective that would make a navy stoker blush.

Your civilised approach only shows what a good job we did with our colonies
- before being thrown out of nearly all of them.

I am very pleased you and your good lady had an enjoyable holiday here, and
I am sorry it culminated in a parking fine - but we need all the money we
can get.

Should you return to Brighton again, please visit the police station and
allow me to offer you the hospitality of a cup of tea - or coffee if you
originate from Boston.

i am a funeral director. while i was getting ready to leave for work one
morning, the phone rang. I answered it, and a frantic-sounding woman asked
if i could come over right away because there was water all over the place.
Baffled, i enquired if she was sure she had the right number.

"isn't this Bob larson the plumber?" she asked.
"no," i replied. "i'm a funeral director."
After a pause she said, "Well, i'm going to keep your number anyway. i
think the family will need it after my husband gets home and sees what i did
to the washing machine!"

----------------------------------------------

My husband, who drives an 18-wheeler, was halfway across a narrow bridge
when his truck broke down. Placing hazard markers behind, he returned to
his cab to wait for the tow truck.

A few moments later, a small car drove over his markers and pulled up right
behind his truck. my husband jumped out of the cab, ready to give the
driver a piece of his mind - only to discover an elderly woman at the wheel.
Before he could say a word, she shouted, "need a push?"

---------------------------------------------

As a conservator of paintings in a seaport town, i often clean and repair
portraits of nineteenth-century sea captains and their wives. i had
finished the painting of one Captain john Curtis and returned it to its
place of honour in the Curtis memorial library, but was still working on the
portrait of his wife. After several months of painstaking restoration, i
received this postcard from the library: 'i miss my mate, how clean does she
have to be? John Curtis.'

A friend had treated his family to a meal at the local steakhouse. While he
settled the bill, the family all clustered round the cashier's desk.

He had warned his sons not to help themselves too greedily to the free
peppermints at the desk, so when he saw a small hand venturing towards the
bowl, he gave it a solid slap. Turning round, he found it was the hand of a
little old woman.

---------------------------------

Answering the doorbell one bone-chilling night, I found a candidate for the
local council standing there under a dripping umbrella. "I'm here to offer
you a real choice in this year's election," he said. "You can decide
whether I don't know enough to come in out of the rain, or if I'm the kind
of guy you would send out on a night like this to get the job done."

He got my vote.

---------------------------------

Information-desk instructions: "The memory training class? Go down two
flights of stairs, make a right and two left turns and take the third lift
to pavilion six. Then turn left at the coffee shop and go down corridor
three to..."

-----------------------------------

Defence counsel in court-room: "My client pleads not guilty to shop-lifting
by reason of static cling."

-----------------------------------

Having been a competitive gymnast, I'm a stickler on form. Some time ago, I
was teaching a class of three and four year-olds. I demonstrated a forward
roll, explaining every move until the roll was fully executed. "Now," I
said, "I want you to do exactly what I just did. Do you have any
questions?"

A wide-eyed youngster timidly raised her hand. "Miss Michele," she asked,
"How do we make our knees crack?"

-----------------------------------

A cruise ship a friend was employed on docked at a port during a very high
tide. Everyone on board was forced to use the ship's narrow gangplank as a
passageway to the wharf far below.

The staff stood motionless when a passenger in her seventies appeared at the
top of the plank. There wasn't room for anyone to assist her, so she edged
along slowly and finally made it to the wharf safely, to everyone's relief.

As she stepped down, she turned, looked back at the top of the plank and
shouted, "It's okay, Mother, you can come down now."

-----------------------------------

An engineer at my company learned shortly before the end of the working day
that he had to attend a meeting. He tried unsuccessfully to locate his
carpool members and let them know that he would not be able to leave with
them. Hastily he scribbled a message to one fellow and left it on his desk:
"Last-minute meeting. Leave without me. Ted."

At 6:30 pm the engineer stopped at his desk and found this note: "Meet us
at the corner pub. *You* drove."

-----------------------------------

At the start of a new year, an employee came into the pay office and asked,
"Who do I talk to about changing my number of dependents?"

Before I could answer, my supervisor suggested, "How about your wife?"

The breakfast cereal that says "Snap! Crackle! Pop!" in its TV commercials
sounds that way only in English speaking countries. In Sweden, the cereal's
commercials say "Piff! Puff! Puff!" In South Africa, it's "Klap! Knetter!
Kraak!" And in Germany, they say "Knisper! Knasper! Knusper!"

-----------------

My Law partner and I always send our clients Christmas greetings, signed
with just our names and no reference to the firm. We had extra cards one
year, so we sent them to some former clients. One bemused recipient had not
dealt with the firm for some time and obviously didn't recognise our names.

"Sirs," he replied. "Recieved your Xmas card. Thank you! Who are you...
and why are you living together?

-----------------------------

After a friend's wedding, the bride and groom posed for the usual
photographs outside the church. But when the photographer brought the
proofs for us to see, there were roars of laughter. In every picture, the
'wayside pulpit' on the side of the church was clearly shown; its message
was: "Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do."

-------------------------

Presiding at a social function, I received a message from a woman asking me
to make the following announcement: "If Mr Gupta is present in the
auditorium, he is needed at home at once."

A man stood up immediately and started to leave. "Oh, there's no need now,"
said a woman's voice from the back of the hall. "I just wanted to know if my
husband had really come here."

------------------------

Before film companies were careful about Swahili translations - assuming
noone in the Western world would understand - a director needed an African
messenger who was to gasp out a sentence to the big chief, collapsing as he
delivered his message, since he had run for days with this vital news. A
local Englishman who spoke Swahili was asked to write an urgent-sounding
sentence in the language. He did, tongue in cheek. An American actor
played the part beautifully.

All went well until the film was shown in Nairobi (where everyone spoke
Swahili, of course). The drama of the moment was reduced to high comedy.
What the messenger actually said as he threw himself, exhausted, before the
chief was, "I do not think I am getting paid enough money for this part."

Once apon a time, two astronauts scheduled for a lunar mission were
simulating some procedures on a Navajo Indian reservation in Arizona. The
terrain there was similar to the moon's surface, and the duo needed the
practice.

A Navajo medicine man spotted the space-suited pair and asked the chief who
those funny-looking people were. Told they were going to the moon, the
medicine man said that, according to legend, some Navajos had once gone to
the moon. Perhaps the spacemen would deliver a message to them.

The astronauts readily agreed, and since the Navajo language is not a
written one, a tape recorder was used. Curious, the astronauts asked the
medicine man what the nature of his message was. Translated, it said:
"Beware of these two. They'll probably try to make a treaty with you."

If you don't think machines are becoming smarter, consider the case of a
robot designed for missions inside nuclear-power plants. Apparently after
pondering this perilous future, it 'worked its arm into an unnatural
posture,' and then began beating itself to pieces - the world's first
attempted electronic suicide.
-Omni

----------

A man returned to his home and played back his telephone answering machine
to discover that his message to callers had not registered beyond his
initial 'hello.' Transcribed, the tape of the exchange between machine and
one caller ran as follows:

After requesting a department-store credit card and later receiving an
application form, I was indignant when I noticed that the questionnaire
asked my sex. I crossed out both 'Male' and 'Female' boxes and after 'Sex'
inserted the word 'Occasionally.'

Within a few days, I was chagrined to receive a personal letter from the
store manager stating: "Your credit card is enclosed. May I suggest you
shop at our lingerie and cosmetic counters? Perhaps we can help you change
that 'Occasionally' to 'Often.'"

----------

On my rounds as a census taker, I rang a bell in a block of flats and heard
a sharp scraping sound immediately followed by a child's piercing shrieks.
"Oh no! Not that! Oh, please, please, not that!" she cried. The thought
of child abuse flashed through my mind. There were more scraping sounds,
some scuffling and thumps, and a dragging noise.

Suddenly, the door was opened by a large, bearded man with glasses.
Clutching one of his ankles with both arms was a little girl, impishly
grinning, and flat on her stomach. Beyond was a cosy, booklined room with a
chess-board set up on the coffee table.

The man, also grinnning, explained, "I just took her queen."

----------

Husband to wife as they go visit a neighbour: 'First we had to watch their
slides. Then came home movies. Then their videotapes. Now, it's their
home computer!'

Announcement on a notice board in the lobby of a Singapore hotel: "Medical
Conference on VD and Physically Transferable Diseases. Official Carrier,
Singapore Airlines."

----------

The vacuum cleaner salesman insisted on giving a demonstration to the lady
of the house. First, he scattered coffee grounds, dust and dirt all over
her beautiful lounge-room carpet. Then he said, "Madam, I'll eat every bit
of the stuff that my vacuum cleaner doesn't pick up."

The woman started to leave the room. "Where are you going?" called the
salesman.

"To get your a spoon," she replied. "We haven't had any electricity since
yesterday's storm."

----------

Four young thieves who stole an ambulance from outside Sydney's Crown Street
Women's Hospital were so shocked by a radio message that they abandoned it
and ran away.

Using the tone announcers reserve for the outbreak of World War III, the
ambulance network controller said: "Let me warn you that the last patient
to ride in that vehicle had an infectious and dangerous skin disease. Get
out quickly!"

In fact, the last patient to travel in the ambulance had been an extrememly
heatlthy expectant mum.

I thought oral contraception was when you talked your way out of it...

----------

After hearing me talk about my job, my young son looked forward to spending
the day with me at the office. Although usually shy, he seemed eager to
meet each co-worker I introduced. On the way home, however, he appeared
sullen. I couldn't see the reason for his disappointment until he
complained, "I never got to see the clowns you said you worked with."

----------

My niece took her car, which has numerous dents and scratches, to a garage
mechanic and asked him why it was so difficult to start that morning.

He walked round the car, taking in its dilapidated condition, then said,
'It was probably afraid to go out.'

----------

Jury foreman to judge: 'We find the defendant guilty and his lawyer
obnoxious.'

----------

Driving on a highway called 'The Strip' by local teenagers, I stopped at the
traffic lights. As I did, I heard a car next to mine rev its engine. Fed
up with young drivers who race from the lights, often cutting this grandma
off, I looked straight ahead, determined to show the hot rodder a thing or
two.

When the lights changed, I pushed the accelerator to the floor, leaving the
other car behind until the next lights. When it pulled alongside me again,
I glanced over, feeling smug - to stare straight into the face of a
policeman in his patrol car, shaking his head.

----------

My toddler had discovered the kitchen bin, and I decided to look in it when
I realized that one of my shoes was missing. Unfortunately, my husband had
already taken the garbage to the big rubbish container our block of units
used.

I dashed outside, climbed through the container's side entrance and began
searching. Just then a removalist van arrived. Everyone was coming out to
greet the new neighbours as I emerged from the container, triumphantly
clutching the garbage bag with the lost shoe.

It was too much for my husband to resist. "Darling," he called. "Did you
find anything for dinner?"

My high-school English students were separating run-on sentences into
shorter ones. A sentence to be revised was: "My little brother's favourite
movie is 'Return of the Jedi' and he pretends our dog is an Ewok and he
tries to save our house from Darth Vader." A student condensed this to:
"My little brother has a problem with reality."

----------

I was in a queue at a department store when a policeman ahead signed a
cheque and handed it to the cashier, who said "May I see your driver's
licence?" As the officer picked up his purchases and walked away, I
overheard the cashier whisper to a co-worker, "I've always wanted to ask a
policeman for his driver's licence."

----------

Our home was on the market, and real-estate agents were constantly bringing
prospective buyers. I am away at work each day, but this was not a problem
until my beautiful purebred Persian cat came into heat. Anxious that she
remained indoors, I put up a large sign: "Please Do Not Let Cat Out!"

When I returned home that night, this note was posted below my warning:
"Another agent must have let your big tomcat out, because he was waiting at
the door when I showed some people through your home. I let him back in."

----------

Graffiti on the back of a white van covered in dirt and grime: ALSO
AVAILABLE IN WHITE.

Personal Ad: I am 32, 1.8 metres tall, handsome, well-built, athletic,
intelligent, absolutely amazing and completely perfect in every way. I'd
like to meet a woman who'll humour me when I get like this.

----------

We were moving, and my sons and I crowded into the cab of our rented truck.
There was no room left for our enormous black great dane. Whimsically, we
put him in the driver's seat of the utility we were towing.

On the road, there was a sudden eruption of noise. We looked back to see
the dane's huge paws resting on the horn while he howled in protest. As I
was about to pull over, another car came alongside.

"Hey!" the driver yelled. "Why don't you let him pass?"

----------

Patrick Cormack, a member of the British parliament, recalls a small setback
in his first successful general election campaign:

Standing in the back of a Land Rover as we bumped our way down a lane to one
of the smallest villages in the constituency, I could just see above the
hedgerows into a field where cows were munching contentedly. In a playful
mood, I chattered into the loudspeaker, "Now, come on, you old cows - I can
do with your support."

Suddenly we rounded a corner and my face fell. Emerging from a Women's
Institute meeting, a phalanx of women stood transfixed, staring at the radio
car with something less than electoral fervour.

----------

One day at work, a typed message appeared on the coin-change machine: "It
is selfish and deceitful to put foreign coins in this machine. Will however
is doing it please stop."

Underneath in small letters was written: "Si, senor."

----------

While serving as a meteorologist at a naval air station, I noticed that
contractors had been busy painting the corridor outside my office. On the
door, under the words "Meteorological Office", hung a sign saying "Wet
Paint", to which an anonymous hand had added, "Becoming drier later".

When the burglar broke into a seemingly empty house one night, a voice
suddenly shattered the silence: "I see you, and the saint sees you."

The shaken thief took another tentative stop. "I see you," the voice said
again "and the saint sees you." With that, the burglar shone his torch in
the direction that the voice was coming from. There, in the circle of
light, sat a parrot.

"Stupid bird," the burglar uttered in relief.

"I see you," the parrot repeated, "and the saint sees you."

"Shut up," the man snarled as he turned on a lamp. That's when he saw the
menacing doberman pinscher sitting beside the parrot's perch, staring at him
with glittering eyes.

"Get him, Saint!" squawked the parrot.

----------

A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a late
card game.

"You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife," he said.
"First, I kill the engine at the end of the street and coast into the
garage. Then I open the door slowly. Next, I take off my shoes and tiptoe
to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always wakes up
and gives me hell."

"I make a big racket when I go home," his friend said.

"You do?"

"Sure. I beep the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights, stamp up to
the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. 'Hi, Alice,' I say. 'How about a
little smooch for your old man?'"

An air-force officer stationed at Juba, Sudan, acquired a pet lion cub. Of
peaceful disposition, it was a favourite with everyone and in time it grew
to full size.

One evening, an airman saw the lion lying on the runway and he tried in vain
to find the officer. A friend said that all that was necessary was to go up
to the lion and kick its rump, whereupon it would take off. Rather
nervously, the airman gave the lion a hefty kick. Sure enough, it wandered
off into the bush.

Half an hour later, the officer appeared. "It's all right now, sir," said
the young man. "Your lion was on the runway, but I kicked it off."

"Don't talk rubbish," said the officer. "My lion hasn't left my side the
entire evening."

The following instructions came with an inflatable globe of the world: "Can
be blown up in under half a minute - just like the real thing."

----------

At the small retail shop where I work as manager - and where there had never
been an accident in over 20 years - we had a sudden visit from an
occupational health officer. He stipulated that certain regulations must be
complied with, one of which required the provision of a first-aid box.

This was duly purchased and placed in a cupboard. A junior member of our
staff - opening the cupboard door to get an asprin - was promptly knocked
out by the first-aid box falling on her head.

----------

I have a postmaster and a doctor as my neighbours. One day, the postmaster
sent his pregnant wife to the doctor as she had light labour pains. The
doctor found that there was still some time to go, so he sent her home with
a note pinned on her dress for the postmaster: "Returned undelivered."

----------

I've learned to be patient while driving my truck uphill, as there is no way
to move 32 tonnes quickly up a steep incline. Once, I turned on my CB radio
only to hear a nearby truckie saying, "I think I can... I think I can... I
think I can..."

The following series of ads reputedly appeared in the wanted columns of a
newspaper:

Monday: "The Rev. A. J. Jones has one TV set for sale. Tel. 555-1234
after 7pm and ask for Mrs. Smith who lives with him cheap."

Tuesday: "We regret any embarrassment to Rev Jones caused by a
typographical error in yesterday's paper. It should have read:
'The Rev A.J. Jones has one TV set for sale cheap. Tel.
555-1234 and ask for Mrs Smith who lives with him after 7 pm.'"

Wednesday: "Rev Jones informs us that he has received serveral annoying
telephone calls because of an incorrect ad in yesterday's paper.
It should have read: 'The Rev Jones has one TV set for sale
cheap. Tel 555-1234 after 7 pm and ask for Mrs Smith who loves
with him.'"

Thursday: "Please note that I, Rev A. J. Jones have no TV set for sale. I
have smashed it. Don't call 555-1234 any more. I have not been
carrying on with Mrs Smith and until yesterday Mrs Smith was my
housekeeper."

Lyricist Ira Gershwin's shy and self-effacing nature is perfectly
illustrated by a story conductor-composer John Green, an old Gershwin
friend, tells:

"We were six couples having cocktails with Ira and his wife, Leonore. Ira
phoned a posh Hollywood restaurant for dinner reservations. Then he
returned to the group. 'No luck,' Ira said resignedly, "They're all filled
up.'

"At this point, one of the men slipped out. He returned minutes later. 'I
got the reservations,' he reported.

"Ira was astonished. 'But I just called and there were no tables!' he
exclaimed. 'How did you do it?'

"The other man grinned. 'It was easy, Ira,' he said. 'I just used your
name.'"

----------

Our plane had just been cleared for landing. The captain requested
passengers to remain in their seats with seat belts fastened until the plane
stopped and the seat-belt sign went off. But as soon as the plane touched
down, passengers stood up in the aisle to reach for luggage stored overhead.
Again came the captain's request. Everyone continued gathering belongings.
The captain then commanded, "Please clear the aisle so I can see to
reverse." There was immediate compliance.

----------

My mother works in a laboratory and is responsible for keeping tissue
cultures alive. So that she won't forget, she writes "feed cells" on her
calendar. One day, she noticed someone had scribbled in "take cells for a
walk." By the end of the month, a number of anonymous reminders had been
added: "take cells to zoo," "cells on holiday," "cells back," and, on Yom
Kippur, "Jewish cells get the day off."

----------

A police colleague of mine once received a phone call from a woman who
asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly
good cook, described the procedure.

Then he asked, "But why would you call the police to find out how to baste a
turkey?"

There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew,
didn't you?" and hung up.

Each year, our town holds a festival, complete with arts and crafts
displays, stands and entertainment. The biggest attraction is always the
flea market, where one can find anything from antiques to potted plants.
As I struggled to get through the large crowd, I noticed an elderly woman
who was moving briskly along as a path magically opened up in front of her.

When I finally got close enough, I discovered her secret. Gingerly - at
arm's length - she was carrying the most vicious-looking cactus plant that I
have ever seen.

Writing humour was not easy for Robert Benchley. Every word was born in
pain, and composing the opening sentence was sheer torture.

One morning, in his hotel room, he inserted a sheet of paper in his
typewriter and typed the word "The." He leaned back to see what he had
wrought. He looked it it for more than an hour while he waited for other
words to follow. They didn't.

He went downstairs, had a leisurely lunch, then returned to his room. He
sat down at the typewriter and stared at it. He stared until five o'clock.
Then an idea came to him. After "The," he typed "hell with it." With a
feeling of accomplishment, he went downstairs to dinner.

----------

Some years ago, according to an article in the official USSR newspaper
'Pravda', the Soviet Ministry of Railways was alarmed by the amount of
theft from rail trucks as they stood in sidings, so it set up a unit to
design a burglar-proof lock.

This unit, like all Soviet institutions, acquired a life and momentum of its
own. It gathered together some engineers, invented a long-winded title,
found premises, set up a research program, and had all the usual trade
union, party and recreation committees. Day after day, white-coated
designers pondered over the problem until, after two years, the boss hit
upon the perfect design.

Prototypes were made and, when the big day for the test came, all the
designers descended on a station where they chose a tain at random and
fitted 20 freight vans with the new burglar-proof locks. Then, in a
farewell ceremony, they made a few speeches, waved goodbye, congratulated
one another and went home.

Unfortunately, no one thought of the next stage. The train chugged off
until it came to a junction where the goods were to be unloaded for
trans-shipment. The puzzled railway workers could not open 20 of the vans.
They tried everything, then summoned the local blacksmith. He broke
several tools in a vain attempt to undo the locks and, in the end, the whole
lot had to be blown up with explosives.

A customer asked my husband, who is in the roofing business, for an estimate
on ripping off old tiles and replacing them with new ones. When he handed
him the estimate, the customer burst out laughing. In front of the price,
my husband had written: "Complete rip-off." He got the job.

----------

I worked the night shift on the switchboard of a small hospital where the
day-shift nurses would often call and ask to be woken up by phone in the
morning. This became a routine with one nurse. She would phone almost
every night for this service. One morning, I called her without looking at
the list. "This is an obscene phone call," I said cheerfully. "It's
five-thirty and time to get up." After a short silence, she replied, "It's
more obscene than you think. This is my day off."

----------

An official of a war veterans' home in Australia announced: "Bill
attributes his long life and excellent health to the fact that he neither
drinks nor smokes, has refrained from sex and is a strict vegetarian. He
invites you all to celebrate his birthday next Wednesday." From the old
diggers came the one word: "How?"

On his first assignment for a Chicago newspaper, a cadet reporter drove a
company car to a car-crushing plant, parked in the wrong spot and returned
from interviewing the manager to see the vehicle being compacted into scrap
metal.

The district council clerk in the English town on Loddon commissioned some
efficiency experts to suggest methods for reducing municipal expenditure.
After an investigation, the experts reported that the most expedient saving
would be to fire the district council clerk.

Twenty-eight members of a weight-watching club from Wagga Wagga, New South
Wales, suffered the exquisite embarrassment on an outing of having their bus
sink up to its axles in a bitumen car park.

An aspiring 17 year old Brazilian boxer suffered a serious reversal to his
career when his mother dragged him out of the ring during a bout and ordered
him home to finish his homework.

When a drum major tossed his baton in a town in California, it hit two
4000-volt power lines, blacking out a wide area and putting a radio station
off the air. The baton melted.

The editor of 'Niangi', a russian humour magazine, was dismissed in 1979 for
not being serious enough.

A newsletter from a San Francisco branch of Mensa, the organisation for
people who have high IQs, contained the spellings 'attornies,' 'recieved'
and, aptly, 'intelligense.'

In a not particularly convincing demonstration of extrasensory perception,
British hypnotist and magician Romark donned a blindfold, climbed behind the
wheel of a car and, as television cameras recorded the event, drove straight
into the back of a police van in Essex.

Surprised while burgling a house in Antwerp, Belgium, a thief fled out the
back door, clambered over a three-metre wall, dropped down the other side,
and found himself in the city prison.

When a policeman spotted a man perched high up on New York's Manhattan
Bridge, he bravely rished his life to edge his way up the girders to try to
talk the man into coming down. Arriving breathlessly at the top, the
policeman asked the bridge percher what had driven him to climb up there.
"It's my *job*, damn it!" snapped the man. "I'm an inspector for the
Department of Public Works."

A bank robber in Los Angeles instructed a teller not to give him cash, but
to deposit the money in his cheque account.

An Alabama man redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes
after an operation to restore his sight, and said to his wife: "Boy, you
sure have got fat in four years."

A museum in the English county of Tyne and Wear stopped displaying a Roman
sestertius coin from the second century AD after a nine-year-old correctly
identified it as one of the plastic tokens given away in a promotion by a
soft-drink company.

In Singapore, a young bride had to go to court to force her husband to stop
letting his mother sleep under their bed.

Police stopped a teenage girl in Idaho after complaints that her car had
been driven in reverse for some time. The girl told them that her parents
had let her use the car, but she had put too many kilometres on it. "I was
just trying to unwind some of it." she said.

In July 1979, the US Army managed partially to restore the arms balance when
three Hawk missile launchers were returned from a Florida salvage company's
premises. The missile launchers had been towed there from a moving
contractor's car park where they had somehow been forgotten.

- They thought the inveding Spaniards were gods (and if anyone who worships
the Spanish doesn't deserve being wiped off the face of this earth, then
who does?)
- They went around boasting of a city made of solid gold called "Eldorado".
If they'd any sense whatsoever they'd have called it something
deliberately off-putting like "{El Black Death", "El Cesspito", "El Turdos
Grande" or Auckland.
- They hadn't even invented the wheel by the sixteenth century (how hard is
it to invent the wheel? All you have to do is cut the end off a log)
- They had silly names like "Quetzocoatl", "Tezcatlipoca" and "Xochiquetzal"
which are great for Scrabble but nothing else.
- This also hindered their development of poetry (in fact, they gave up in
the eleventh century after getting stuck on "There was a young man called
Yacacoliuhqui..."
- They gave their settlements equally stupid names (would you want to live
somewhere called "Lake Titicaca"?)
- One of their gods, Xolotl, was the patron of ball games.
- They believed that drilling a hole in your head would release evil spirits
rather than killing you instantly.
- They believed that human sacrifice would make their race prosper...

Poet Stephen Spender's 'Journals' record a moment of loyal support from his
six-year-old son, Matthew:

On the bus on the way home from school, one of his little friends pointed
at me and said, "Spender, is that old, white-haired man with spectacles your
daddy?"

"No," said Matthew with perfect self-possession.

When we got off the bus and were at a safe distance from his friend, I asked
Matthew why he had said I was not his father. "Because you aren't," he
exclaimed passionately. "You aren't like what he said you were."

----------

It was a warm autumn morning, and my husband decided to come home from work
early to paint our veranda. Before I left the house, I located all the
necessary supplies and wrote him a note: "I put the paint in the cupboard
downstairs. The brush is on the garage shelf."

When I returned that evening, nothing had been done. My husband had left
his written explanation: "I found the paint and the brush. Couldn't find
the veranda. Went fishing."

Exactly seven days after our wedding, my husband and I were window-shopping.
Wedding gowns on display in a bridal shop brought back thoughts of our own
recent ceremony. Feeling romantic, I turned to my 'groom' and said,
'Darling, how is my week-old husband?' With a twinkle in his eye, he
answered, "Just how do you spell that?"

British Author C.P. Show thought he didn't write dedications until he opened
a copy of his novel 'A Coat of Varnish' and saw that it was dedicated to
Kate Marsh. "Who's Kate Marsh?" he asked one of his American editors,
Charles Scribner. "I didn't know, so I asked my father," Scribner said. "He
said, 'If his lordship doesn't remember to whom he dedicated his book, how
should we know?'"

Kate Marsh, it turned out, was the secretary of Snow's London agent. When
the British printers sent the manuscript to her, they addressed it, "For
Kate Marsh", words that found their way into type in the American edition.
"We thought it was very funny," Scribner said, "but Lord Snow was not
amused."

There are many interesting variations to the china-shop verse, "Nice to look
at, nice to hold, but if you break it, consider it sold." One day while
shopping, I came across a variation that was downright threatening. It
read: "Nice to look at, nice to hold, but if you break it, you will receive
five free kittens."
I didn't touch a thing.

A friend of mine, an insurance-loss adjuster, was recently called in to
estimate the damage caused by flooding in a toy-company's warehouse. Most
of the stock on the lower shelves was ruined, but the Paddington Bears had
escaped unscathed because they were wearing wellington boots. :>

----------

While driving to work, a woman colleague of mine pulled up rather suddenly
at a traffic light. The car behind ran into her with such force that her
elegant wig flew off her head and into the back of the car. When she had
recovered, she got out and went back to the other car. The driver looked
white and shaken. "Are you all right?" she asked.

"I am now," he replied. "But I thought your head had come off."

----------

A public official received an unusual knock from an irate taxpayer. It came
in the form of a potted cactus with the terse message: "Sit on it."

My cousin, a primary teacher at an international school in South-East Asia,
told two unruly boys to stay behind and write their names 100 times. Later,
she noticed that one student had finished and gone home, while the other was
still writing feverishly. When asked what was taking him so long, the
youngster replied, sobbing, "It's just not fair! His name is Hans Frank,
and mine is Muhammad Ali Zainuddin Bin Haji Abrahim Abdul Rasjid."

----------

Jones had this marvellous horse. "Each morning," he would tell his friends
at the club, "that horse of mine goes to the dairy and gets fresh milk for
my breakfast. Then he goes to the newsagent for my paper. when I'm ready
for work, the horse brings me right to the door. And at knock-off time,
he's waiting outside!"

Smith was much impressed by all this, and made an offer of $100 for the
horse. Jones declined, saying the price was too low. Smith then offered
$1000, and Jones grabbed it.

For a week, Jones didn't show up at the club. When he finally returned, he
heard Smith complaining about how bad the horse was, how he did nothing but
eat and sleep. That's when Jones said, "You know, if you keep talking about
the horse like that, you'll never sell him."

----------

The average man has 30 kilos of muscle and about 1.4 kilos of brains - which
explains a lot of things.

----------
hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
----------

After I purchased my utility, I bought a book on petrol engines to avoid
being ripped off at the service station. The first time I took the ute in
for repairs, I smugly wrote down what the problem was and what had to be
fixed.

That night, when I returned to pick it up, I found this note attached to the
windscreen: "I fixed the problem in your ute, but in order to fix the
problem *you* described, you'll have to bring in the lawn-mower. I suggest
you go back a couple of chapters. My wife has the same book."

---------

At the end of a tiring day's work, I was dreading the long walk home. After
a couple of blocks, I decided impulsively to hitch-hike. An elderly couple
pulled over to the kerb. Smiling happily, I opened the rear door, got in
and thanked them for stopping. They looked at each other, and the man
returned my smile and asked where I lived. Then they drove me straight
home. When I asked if they lived nearby, the woman replied, "No, dear, we
were home when you got in the car."

I recently encountered a most effective piece of advertising. Before
entering the library I checked to see that my car doors were locked. when I
returned, the doors were still locked and a card lay on the seat. It read:
"John D - Car Alarm Installation."

---------

From the Houma, Louisiana, Courier and Terrebonne Press: "Grandfather with
big mouth needs small, gentle pony for 8 year old granddaughter who won't
let him forget his promise."

---------

In the Hong Kong South China Morning Post: "1964 red car for sale. $200.
Excellent rearview mirror and glove compartment. Only six dents. Oh, all
right, then - $120."

When Field-Marshal Bernard Montgomery took command of the Eighth Army, he
remarked to NZ's General 'Tiny' Freyberg that NZ troops did not seem to
salute much. "If you wave to them," Freyberg replied diffidently, "they'll
wave back."
London Observer
----------

Comedian Yakov Smirnoff writes: "Coming from the Soviet Union, I was not
prepared for the incredible variety of products available in American
grocery stores. While on my first shopping trip, I saw powdered milk - you
just add water, and you get milk. Then I saw powdered orange juice - you
just add water, and you get orange juice. And then I saw baby powder - I
thought to myself, *what a country!*"

----------

Did you hear about the new dictionary for masochists? It has all the words,
but they're not in alphabetical order.

----------

A man went to the movies and was surprised to find a woman with a big collie
sitting in front of him. Even more amazing was the fact that the dog always
laughed in the right places throughout the comedy.

"Excuse me," the man said to the woman, "But I think it's astounding that
your dog enjoys the movie so much."

"I'm surprised myself," she replied. "He hated the book."

----------

A mother bought her son a fancy-dress costume that would scare his friends.
"Should I take the price tag off?" he asked.

"Leave it on," his mother replied. "We'll scare your father too."

----------

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few
seconds. "Who was it?" he asked.

While picking up a prescription, I noticed that I had been overcharged three
dollars. The chemist said he would put the overpayment on the computer, to
be applied towards the next refill.

A few weeks later I returned, and his assistant failed to deduct the three
dollars. "Look on the computer," I told him. He walked over to it. Sure
enough, the information was there. Taped to the monitor was a piece of
paper that said: "We owe Mr Hurst $3."

----------

One evening, I decided to pick up some items at a local corner shop.
Uncertain that it would still be open, I phoned, and asked the woman who
answered, "What time do you close?"

There was a moment's hesitation. then she said, "Ten o'clock. But we start
giving dirty looks at a quarter to."

----------

Glenn Collins, who solicited readers' contributions for his column in 'The
New York Times', wrote:

Julia Child's collection of a 1940s alphabet game has thrown wide the gates
of memory: "The game was called 'A for Effort,'" Childs wrote. she
recalled a few of the phrases, including 'B for pork,' 'C for yourself,' 'O
for the wings of a dove' and, of course, 'T for two.'

Other readers concocted their own entries, some of them truly inspired.
Here is a composite of some of the worthiest contributions:

'A for ism,' 'B for brook,' 'D for mation,' 'E for Peron,' 'F for vescent,'
'G for screepers,' 'H before beauty,' 'I for nye,' 'L for leather,' 'M for
sis,' 'N for mation please,' 'O for God's sake,' 'Q for billiards,' 'T for
est for the trees,' 'U for mism,' 'V for la France' and 'X for breakfast.'

When I worked at a flying-training unit, student pilots were renowned for
finding fault with their aircraft where none existed. One entry in the
servicing log of an aircraft read: "Unfamiliar noise from port engine."

The mechanic who had worked for several hours and found no fault had added,
"Engine run for four hours. Noise now familiar."

----------

An octogenarian in our town was known for her lively sense of humour. Since
she lived in the same street as her son and his family, mail mix-ups often
occurred.

One day, one of her grandsons, home from university, received a letter from
his girlfriend. To his chagrin, the envelope had been opened, and then
taped shut again. Across the front his irrepressible grandmother had
scrawled: "Delivered incorrectly. Opened accidentally. Enjoyed
*thoroughly!*"

----------

I was taking my four-year-old son for a drive in the car for the first time.
I installed him just behind me, rolled down my window and started off. I
realised that my son had never had the opportunity to see my balding pate
from the top before when he exclaimed, "Daddy, cose your window. Your hair
is blowing away!"

When a dangerous snake got loose in the corridor of the science building at
my university, there was quite an uproar. Fortunately, one of the
professors was an expert on snakes. An agitated student ran to fetch him,
urging him to come quickly.

Smoking his pipe, the professor leisurely strolled into the corridor,
examined the snake from head to tail, and calmly returned to his office.
"It's not one of mine," he said, and closed the door.

----------

I had joined a weight-watching group, and at one meeting, the instructor
held up an apple and a chocolate bar. "What are the attributes of this
apple," she asked, "And how do they relate to our diet?" "Low in
kilojoules" and "lots of fibre" were among the answers.

She then explained what was wrong with eating chocolate and concluded,
"Apples are not only more healthy but also less expensive. Do you know I
paid sixty cents for this chocolate bar?" We stared as she held up the
forbidden treat.

From the back of the room, a small voice spoke up: "I'll give you seventy
cents for it."

THERE WAS this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and
jogged 6 miles every day. One morning he looked in the mirror and was
admiring his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the
exception of his penis which he readily decided to do something about.

He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand,
except for his penis, which he left sticking out!

Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon
seeing the thing sticking out of the sand she began to move it around with
her cane, remarking to the other little old lady.

"There really is no justice in this world"

The other little old lady said, "What do you mean?"

The first old lady said, "Look at that ... when I was 20 I was curious about
it; when I was 30 I enjoyed it; when I was 40 I asked for it; when I was 50
I paid for it; when I was 60 I prayed for it; when I was 70 I forgot about
it , and now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to
squat.

:-) Your basic smiley. This smilie is used to inflect a sarcastic or
joking statement since we can't hear voice inflection over Unix.
;-) Winky smiley. User just made a flirtatious and/or sarcastic remark.
More of a "don't hit me for what I just said" smiley.
:-( Frowning smiley. User did not like that last statement or is upset
or depressed about something.
:-I Indifferent smiley. Better than a Frowning smilie but not quite as
good as a happy smiley
:-> User just made a really biting sarcastic remark. Worse than a :-).
>:-> User just made a really devilish remark.
>;-> Winky and devil combined. A very lewd remark was just made.

Those are the basic ones...Here are some somewhat less common ones:

(-: User is left handed
%-) User has been staring at a green screen for 15 hours straight
:*) User is drunk
[:] User is a robot
8-) User is wearing sunglasses
B:-) Sunglasses on head
::-) User wears normal glasses
B-) User wears horn-rimmed glasses
8:-) User is a little girl
:-)-8 User is a Big girl
:-{) User has a mustache
:-{} User wears lipstick
{:-) User wears a toupee
}:-( Toupee in an updraft
:-[ User is a Vampire
:-E Bucktoothed vampire
:-F Bucktoothed vampire with one tooth missing
:-7 User just made a wry statement
:-* User just ate something sour
;-( User is crying
;-) User is so happy, s/he is crying
:-@ User is screaming
:-# User wears braces
:^) User has a broken nose
:<) User is from an Ivy League School
:-& User is tongue tied.
+-:-) User is the Pope or holds some other religious office
`:-) User shaved one of his eyebrows off this morning
,:-) Same thing...othe r side
|-I User is asleep
|-O User is yawning/snoring
:-Q User is a smoker
:-? User smokes a pipe
O-) Megaton Man On Patrol! (or else, user is a scuba diver)
O :-) User is an angel (at heart, at least)
:-P Nyahhhh!
:-S User just made an incoherent statement
:-D User is laughing (at you!)
:-X User's lips are sealed
:-C User is really bummed
<|-) User is Chinese
<|-( User is Chinese and doesn't like these kind of jokes User is skeptical
C=:-) User is a chef
@= User is pro-nuclear war
*<:-) User is wearing a Santa Claus Hat
:-o Uh oh!
(8-o It's Mr. Bill!
*:o) And Bozo the Clown!
3:] Pet smiley
3:[ Mean Pet smiley
d8= Your pet beaver is wearing goggles and a hard hat.
E-:-) User is a Ham radio operator
:-9 User is licking his/her lips
%-6 User is braindead
[:-) User is wearing a walkman
(:I User is an egghead
<:-I User is a dunce
K User is a little kid with a propeller beenie
@:-) User is wearing a turban
:-0 No Yelling! (Quiet Lab)
:-: Mutant Smiley
The invisible smiley
-) User only has one eye
,-) Ditto...but he's winking
X-( User just died
%\v Picasso
8 :-) User is a wizard
C=}>;*{O) Mega-Smiley... A drunk, devilish chef with a toupee in an updraft
a mustache, and a double chin

Note: A lot of these can be typed without noses to make midget smileys.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
Good!

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

----

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"

The housewife replies: "Four!".

The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
through my spreadsheet one more time."

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice,
"How much do you want it to be?"

-----

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain offerred at
this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for <other generic proffesion> brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

-----

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living.
"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

-----

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise,
St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where
the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his
assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of
the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I
don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

----

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed
to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to
donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to
bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."

-----

The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly
station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a
huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until
the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting
a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight
once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear
more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with
Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the
deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,
spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"

Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow,
this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many
times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can
get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because
he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
-----
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man
of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
-----
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
-----
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
once and for all.

When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think
you're going to find a lawyer?"
-----

The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were
going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments.
Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit, but
the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1) The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats.
This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being
conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.

2) Lawyers breed faster.

3) Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies
won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.

4) There are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very
hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings.

-----

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A0: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and
forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of
failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting,
elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front
(north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the
primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any
spillover illumination being at he option of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the
parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation on at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any
other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise
direction,this point being non-negotiable.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party
of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable
state, local and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the
party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur
in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step
one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him,
the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of
the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

---

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save
one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

---

BTW, 4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island
with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.

Two storks on a nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and
crying, and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your
mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them
happy." The next night, it's fathers turn to do the job. "Son, your father
will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies
and daddies." A few days later. The stork parents are desperate: their son
is gone from the nest all night! Finally, short before dawn, he returns and
the parents ask their son where he had been all night. Sais the baby stork:
"Aww, just scaring the sh*t out of college kids!"

***************************************************************************
Her father was very angry when he heard that his twenty-year old daughter
had hitch-hiked, all alone, all the way from San Francisco to Washington.

-"For Gods sake !", he screamed,"someone could have attacked you and raped
you!!!"

-"I wasn't ever in no danger at all", she said, trying to calm him down,"As
soon as someone gave me a ride, I said I was going to Washington, because
that's where they have the best treatment for sexually transmitted
diseases."

***************************************************************************
One day a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel,dragging a dead frog
behind him.
The Madam asks "Can I help you son?"
He replys "Yes I'd like a girl for the night."
She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls."

So he gets out his wallet and gives her $200 (actually 200 pounds but the
key doesn't work).

To which she says "She'll be waiting for you up stairs."
The boy says "But shes got to have active Herpies."
The Madam replys "But all my girls are clean!"

So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another $200.

The Madam says "OK,she'll be ready for you in about 10 mins".

So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. 1/2 an hour later he comes
down the stairs,with a big grin on his face,still dragging the dead frog.

By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him "Why did you come
in here,dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with active herpies?".

"Well,it's like this",he says "When I get home tonight I f*ck the
baby-sitter and she'll get it. Then when my parents get home dad will drive
her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get it. Later
when dad gets home mum and dad will make love and she'll get it. And at
about 9.30 tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work,the milkman will
come round, f*ck my mother and he'll get it."

***************************************************************************
Carl and Vera was out walking by the side of a lake. They watched a
windsurfer having a good time, when suddenly the surfer fell in the water.
They both watched the surfer go up and down while he was crying out for
help. When he sank for the final time Vera ordered Carl to dive for the
man. After some discussion Carl gave up and dived to the bottom of the
lake, pulled the man up on the lakeside. Vera looked at the guy and found
out that he wasn't breathing. This time Vera ordered Carl to give mouth to
mouth. Carl knew what he had to do and started up. After the first blow of
air in the drowned guys mouth he suddenly pulled his head back while
shouting out : "Oh my God, this guy smells horrible".

Vera first looked at Carl then at the drowned guy and replied :
"Carl - I'm sorry to say - I don't think this is the right guy, this one
wear skates !!!!!!"

***************************************************************************
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in an airplane. All of a
sudden, the man sneezes powerfully. He takes out his handkerchief, opens
his zipper, takes out his Willy and after having carefully wiped it,
puts it back in and closes the zipper.

The Woman is shocked - but she thinks it wiser not to say anything and tries
not to pay any attention whatsoever to this horrifying man.

Then there is a second sneeze, as loud as the first one. And the same
routine.

After the third sneeze (and the routine) she cannot help but ask:

"Excuse me, Sir, but you have now sneezed three times. And after each
time you have taken out your penis and wiped it. May I inquire why?"

"Oh - you see Ma'am. Every time I sneeze I get an orgasm."

"But that's awfull! What do you take for it?"

"Pepper." Answers the man.

***************************************************************************
Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, so
he goes to his local brothel. He enters and finds the maddame. As it's the
busiest time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is chineese and
doesn't know a word of english.

"I'll take her." He sais desperately, as he is also in a hurry.

So they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As Victor is going full
whack the girl begins to shout out

"Sung wa! Sung wa!" To which Victor assumes that this means, great,
fantastic etc, so he continues unpreturbed.

The following day he as at a golf meeting with a wealthy, prospective
Chinese client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can. Just then
the client T's off and gets a whole in one. This gives Victor the
opportunity to use his newly found chineese phrase...

"Sung wa! Sung wa!" He proclames, to which the client replies,

"Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"

***************************************************************************
A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty
22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes
aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later
the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,

"No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can
rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend over,
and I'll [ insert appropriate colloquial for sodomy here ]."

The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his
trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do. After
the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers back
into town. He's pretty mad.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same
bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment
later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,

"You know what to do."

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and
buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the
bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on
his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says,

"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"

***************************************************************************
I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a 'Tested to British
Safety Standards' sign on it...

Underneath someone had scrawled...

'.......SO WAS THE TITANIC !!'

***************************************************************************
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he
was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the
page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in
which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." He
frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out,
leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always
squealing, how can I tell?"

***************************************************************************
Four sisters in a church are going to confess. the first of them confess
to the prayer that she had touch the sexual parties of a man with her right
hand. So the prayer get red cheeks and tell her to wash her right hand in
the holy water and to pray fifty times. Then the second sister come in the
confessional and says to the father : I'm soory father, but i think i made a
little mistake because i have had a man'sex in my left hand. The prayer
becomes angry and tell her : You have to wash your left hand in the holy
water and then pray at least 100 times for Mary.

Then the fourth sister says to the third : Please let me go before you,
because i don't want to wash my mouth in the water after you had wash your
ass in it.

***************************************************************************
A 7 year old girl barges into the bathroom where her father is having a
shower.

Pilot came to airport at 9 AM 10 Jul 1982. Line boy reports padlock on his
hangar door was so rusted he had to break it of with a #10 ball-peen hammer.

Also had to inflate all 3 tires and scrape pigeon droppings off wind-
screen. After several attempts to drain fuel strainers--pilot finally got
what looked like fuel out of the wings sumps. Couldn't get the oil
dipstick out of the engine but said it was okay last time he looked.

Engine started okay--ran rough for about 1/2 minute. Then died. Then
battery would not turn prop. Used battery cart and although starter was
smoking real good, it finally started and the prop wash blew the smoke away.

Line boy offered to fuel airplane up but pilot said he was late for an
appointment at a nearby airport. Said it wasn't far. Taxied about 1/2 way
out to active runway and the engine stopped. Pushed it back to the fuel
pumps and bought 3 gallons for the left wing tank. Started it again. This
time, he was almost out to the runway when it quit again. Put a little rock
under nose wheel; hand propped it; and was seen still trying to climb in
the airplane as it went across the runway. Finally got in it; blew out the
right tire trying to stop before the cement plant.

When he taxied back in to have the tire changed, he also had the line boy
hit the right wing with 3 gallons of gas. Witness, who saw the take- off,
said the aircraft lined up and took off to the north. Takeoff looked
fairly normal--nose came up about 300 ft down the runway. At midfield nose
came down. Engine coughed twice--then cut power and applied the brakes
which made both doors fly open and a big fat brown book fell out on the
runway and released probably a million little white pages with diagrams on
them. Looked like sort of a snow storm.

After several real loud runups at the end, he turned her around and took
off in the other direction going south into the wind. Only this time he
horsed her off at the end and pulled her up real steep like one of them jet
fighter planes--to about 300 ft--then the engine quit!

Did a sort of a slow turn back toward the airport--kinda like that Art
School guy-- and about 30 ft off the McDonald's cafe she started roaring
again. He did sort of a high speed pass down the runway; put the flaps
down to full and that sucker went up like he was going to do an Immelman!

The engine quit again and he turned right and I thought he was coming right
through the front window of the F.B.O.; but he pulled her up--went through
the TV antenna and the little rooster with the NSE&W things--over the
building then bounced the main wheels off the roof of 3 different cars in
the lot--a Porsche, a Mercedes and Dr. Brown's new El Dorado.

When he bounced off the El Dorado the engine roared to life and he got her
flying. Came around toward the runway and set her down--once on the
overrun, once on the runway and once in the grass beside the runway. He
taxied into the ramp--shut her down--and ordered 3 more gallons of gas.
Said it was for safety's sake.

Then he asked where the phone booth was as he had to call his student and
tell him he was going to be a little bit late.

>'A for ism,' 'B for brook,' 'D for mation,' 'E for Peron,' 'F for vescent,'

'C for yourself

>'G for screepers,' 'H before beauty,' 'I for nye,' 'L for leather,' 'M for
>sis,' 'N for mation please,' 'O for God's sake,' 'Q for billiards,' 'T for
>est for the trees,' 'U for mism,' 'V for la France' and 'X for breakfast.'

"I'm the ref" ploy
This you must ALWAYS make them think!
A women needs to feel important.... humour them especially when on
the rags and you want a feed!

2. THE RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE AT ANY TIME without prior notification.

"I'm moving the goal posts" ploy
A woman wants to be unpredictable. See "Mystique"
(though they never are)
Pretend surprise... eg. " Oh! you want to clean the toilet now!?"

3. NO MALE CAN POSSIBLY KNOW THE RULES.

"We are woman here me roar" ploy #3
Women want to exhibit decision-making functions
(within the confines of her MANS rulings.)
She knows the rules laid down by her MAN but feels a need to test
these rules, like your boy trying a forward pass to see if Ref
notices.

4. If the Female suspects that the Male knows all the RULES, she MUST
immediately change some of the RULES.

Be careful with this one.... (time of month dependent)
Pseudo power play... again humour with things like
" Yes Bubbles (sic) we are equal partners.. blah blah blah
Then return to MANS rule, this is the thing she wants,
merely a reiterating of the RULE

5. THE FERMALE IS NEVER WRONG.

Who pays the bills?
(no more be said)

6. If the Female is wrong, it is because of a FLAGRANT MISUNDERSTANDING
which was a DIRECT RESULT of something the Male did or said wrong.

"Oops I've made a mistake"ploy
Woman has admitted her fault(s). Smile, nod, say nothing the
Woman will settle down after vacuuming.

7. If Rule (6) applies, the Male MUST APOLOGISE IMMEDIATELY for causing
the MISUNDERSTANDING.

See "RAGS"
Apologise (good humouredly) for all her mistakes, then ask if she's
got the washing in yet, and follow up with "the tucker's cold"

8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.

See floating point division (pentium style)
The Woman can't remember the last thing she said, again humour

9. THE MALE MUST NEVER CHANGE HIS MIND WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN CONSENT
from the Female.
Easy one this... As if Woman can read... ha ha ha.
you know she can't as you sold her liver last week
to pay for your round at the pub.

10. The Female has the every right to be ANGRY or UPSET at any time.

See "RAGS" and random number generator

11. The Male MUST remain CALM AT ALL TIMES, unless the Female wants him to
be angry or upset.

"I'm important too!" Ploy #125

Woman requires TLC. Show her where to plug the iron in.

12. The Female MUST, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, let the Male know whether or
not she wants him to be angry or upset.

No problem....
Real Kiwi Joker's are never upset.

13. ANY ATTEMPT TO DOCUMENT THESE RULES COULD RESULT IN BODILY HARM!
(read I want a bit!!!)

14. If the Female has PMT, all Rules are NULL and VOID.

See "RAGS"
15. THE MALE CANNOT DIAGNOSE PMT.

You see rags in little cartons about your domain...
op for good Kiwi Joker's joke.
Hide rags.... ha ha ha

A man walks into a bar, and he has no arms, he goes to the toilet. In the
toilet is another guy. Anyway, the armless guy needs to pee, so he asks the
other guy to undo his zip, well the guy says yip, and he unzips the fly, the
armless man then asks this guy to take it out for him, well the guy
disagree's, but the armless guy is so convinving he does take it out.
Anyway, the armless guy asks him to hold while he pee's. The guys says ok.
Anyway, he finishes peeing, and the guy put's it back in an does up the
zippper. as they walk out, the guy says to armless "do you know that your
prick is all green and warty", to which the armless guy pushes his arms out
from his sleeves, and say "yeah, but I'll be screwed if I'm gonna touch it"

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and
number and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word
is supercilious ...}

------------------------------------------------
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

------------------------------------------------
In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.
[sound effect: Heeeeee-YAH!, smashing box of kleenex]
But this method doesn't work with a telephone call...
[sound effect: dial tone]
Introducing the all-new GINSU answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it
slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't
answer, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone,
we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!

"Hi, we're not in cause we're out LOOTING!
Leave a message and we'll call you back and tell you what we got."

------------------------------------------------
Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a
second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off
music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry
about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...well listen
you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll call you
back.

(this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after she said
she had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.)

------------------------------------------------
I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather
reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call
first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the
phone with:
" Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking."
" Hartland home for lost whores." (that was Hartland CG)
" Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"
" Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct:
T minus one minute and counting"

And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of
the local take-out. With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with
that phone.
"Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain,
there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want
it on screen?" (silence...click)
"Vancouver coastguard, may I help you." British long distance rates
are phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had
managed to make a long distance call by dialing five digits.

------------------------------------------------
A friend was at a mutal friend's sister's house, and when she went out for
beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely,
horror-film voice he recorded, "HI, THIS IS KATHY, I'M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I'M FEELING
BETTER."

------------------------------------------------
Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren't here right now but if...
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Steve: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're incorrect. It's definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool. I know it's ... wait ... Matt ... what are you doing
with that frying pan?!?
BONK [really loud thud]
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

------------------------------------------------
Hi!! You've reached Janet and Chris's room. We're not in right now. If
this is our parents, we're at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that's it,
that's the ticket. If this is John (Chris's boyfriend), Chris is out with
the girls at the party. Yeah, that's it. If this is any one else, we're at
a party and you're not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the ....
pope. Yeah that's it. <beep>

------------------------------------------------
One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a kitten
crying in the background, and the voice goes:

The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power
supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up
before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry the
kitty. The choice is YOURS.... BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP
------------------------------------------------
I can't come to the phone now, so... hey -- that's a nice phone you have
there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering
machines bothering you all the time... yes indeedy. Why don't you give
me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings... I might
even play my beep for you...

He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it sounded
very funny.

------------------------------------------------
This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought-recording
device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling,
and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your
call.

Every now and then we are all pestered by these high-tech telemarketing
companies where the sales pitch is usually disguised as a survey of some
kind. The despicable thing about these things is that they won't leave you
alone. If you hang up, they will just call back again. One day my wife
got a call from one of these computer systems, and her answering machine
answered. The conversation that followed was hilarious, as it consisted of
two machines talking to each other without having the slightest idea about
what each other was saying. The conversation wound up in an endless loop,
as follows:

[PHONE] "Hello. This is [company_name], and we are taking a telephone
survey ... when I ask a question, wait for the beep, then please speak
plainly. I will repeat your answer back to you, and verify it. First, what
is your phone number? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

(The answering machine, upon hearing the beep, got confused and thought

it was a play-back command, and generated another beep in response.)

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Thank you! Your phone number was 443-28347-47756-377764-22222. Is
that correct? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any children? BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] Thank you! What is the age of your first child? BEEEEEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Your first child is 1,222 years old. Is that correct?
BEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[--------------- BEGIN ENDLESS LOOP ----------------]

[PHONE] "Thank you! Do you have any more children? BEEEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "Thank you! What is this child's age? BEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[PHONE] "This child is 4,233 years old. Is that correct? BEEEEP."

[ANSWERING MACHINE] "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP."

[---------------------END LOOP -----------------------]

My wife, upon noticing that the answering machine had been going for over
half an hour, turned up the volume to find out what was going on. When she
discovered this endless loop (by now she had over 200 children, all over
1,000 years old), she switched off the answering machine. The computer
never called again.

----------------------------------------------------
My solution is upon realizing that I'm talking with a "telemarketing
representative", I ask: "Are you a telemarketer?" The answer
(suprisingly) is usually yes. I then go into a sales pitch to sell a
(nonexistant) telephone ear-cusion.
I insist that every telemarketer must have one for safety and comfort.
Eventually, they'll forget to try selling me anything.

----------------------------------------------------
Try the following next time the phone rings: