The talk show host addressed rumors about their five-year marriage during a hilarious monologue on The Ellen DeGeneres Show on Wednesday, that began with a trip to the hair salon.

"The other day I'm at the hair salon getting these extensions," DeGeneres joked. "And there's tabloids all over the hair salon – that's where they are, I guess. All of a sudden I notice one sitting on the counter in front of me [and] it caught my eye because Portia and I were in the top right-hand corner and I thought, 'Oh, that's sweet, they're honoring us.' "

"And then I read the headline underneath and it said 'Ellen and Portia's Marriage Crumbles.' I was like, 'Oh, what happened? They seemed so happy," DeGeneres joked.

The 55-year-old said that while she never reads tabloids because "I don't like letting that energy in," curiosity got the better of her.

"So I get the magazine and I'm flipping through it and there's one page torn out," she said. "The only page torn out was my story ... I will never know what's tearing my marriage apart."

DeGeneres then took a moment to shoot down the rumors and set the record straight. "It's so ridiculous to me," she said, adding that there's no trouble in paradise.

"There's not one ounce of truth to any of it," she said. "I am very happily married. The only thing we ever argue about is who loves who more, it really is true. And ... we argue if we would let a kangaroo carry us in a pouch for a year."

DeGeneres ended by telling her fans that she'll always be honest with them about what's going on in her life. "If there's anything you need to know," she said, "I will announce it here first."