It’s hard to know how to take of yourself, when one hardly sees anyone or one, truly taking of themselves.

It’s one thing to say that you’ll take care of yourself, but another to do so. It’s easier to say that you’ll take care of yourself than to actually, truly taking care of yourself.

That I can connect to.

More than once, I promised other people that I would take of myself, but then I would do the opposite: hate myself, push myself more than needed, be hard on myself, not take care of myself physically like I was suppose to.

All that and more.

“You cannot possibly imagine exactly how much I hate myself.”

When I found this on the Website, I could connect to this a lot.

I hated myself so much back then because I thought everything was my fault and I made so many mistakes; and I didn’t like that I made mistakes. I though I was a burden, a problem.

A monster. A puzzle. A question. A mistake, and so many more lies.

I hated myself. I didn’t like myself, let alone love myself.

How could I love or like the girl I was, when I was a monster? When I was a depressed, teen-aged girl who had problems and baggage?

A problem, a puzzle, a question, a mistake, a burden?

How could I love myself and forgive myself?

I thought I would never be able to love myself and forgive myself. I thought it was not possible, and that it would never happen and that it could never happen.

But then something changed. Something started changing, and has always been changing ever since I said yes to God.

I started asking myself, “How could I keep on loving God and hate myself?” Or God started asking me this question: “How can you love Me and hate yourself?”

To love God and hate yourself isn’t possible; it’s not because He’s Love.

Somewhere along the way, I changed and yet at the same time did not change.

I changed to myself, changed to who I was always meant to be. I changed into becoming myself, all because of God.

And because of God, I started loving myself for His sake; because He considered and considers my heart a treasure of the Kingdom, I do too. I start to consider my heart as a treasure of His Kingdom because He does.

I start loving myself because He loves me. I start taking care of myself because I know He deeply loves me.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always had a feeling that I would die soon. I don’t know when I started having that feeling, but I was young when I started feeling that; and it’s strange that I started feeling that when I was young because when I was young, I was afraid of death too.

Maybe I started thinking of death a lot because my mother was sick so much in the Philippines, that I was afraid she was going to die. I’m not sure, but for a long time, ever since I was young, I’ve always thought of death.

And maybe it’s good thing that I’ve always had and always have this feeling that I would die soon because it made me think of the question, “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to be doing what I’m doing now?”

Would I? Would I want to worry the whole time? Would I want to be afraid of one man, when I shouldn’t and why should I since God is with me? Would I want to be thinking thoughts of cutting down my arms? Would I want to lose my temper when I don’t have too?

Would I?

It scared me that I wouldn’t be here, but I think what scared me even more, was when I realized that people weren’t going to be here forever. Yet now, I know and understand somehow it’s part of life and there’s a reason. God does things bigger than we know, bigger than I know.

So, I won’t be here forever, but that knowledge of knowing that I won’t be here forever, makes me thankful for the life I’ve had and I have; makes me thankful for the family and friends God has given and will give to me. Makes me not take each breath for granted, makes me think do I want to do this, and makes me hope and try to do the best I can.

Because as someone said, I have only one shot at this. I have only one life, and I can’t keep doing this – I can’t keep having these thoughts that aren’t mine like vaguely thinking of suicide or having these urges to cut straight down my arm; thoughts that want me to be depressed, stressed, not happy.

Depressed, stressed, mad, hurting, disappointed, afraid, sad. It’s okay to feel all of these as long as it’s safe and there’s hope, just as someone said in my church that it’s okay to grieve, just as long as it’s safe and you have hope.

There’s much more, much more than depression, sadness, anger, hurt, disappointment, fear, and all that. There’s light.

And sometimes, as much as I want to just kill myself, I’m not here to kill myself. I’m here for more.

A lot of things happened, I slipped into depression again, but this time it was just on and off. Slipping in and out.

I’ve been stressed, ashamed, weak, tired, lately and so much more. Though I’ve been through those times of stress, shame, weakness, tiredness, and so much more – I’ve also been through times of thankfulness, happiness, peace, forgiveness, and other things too; and for that I’m truly thankful and happy about.

I want to thank all those who have liked my writings and who have followed my blog. It truly means a lot. I wish I knew how to explain, but the only way that I can explain that is simple is that I’m truly thankful and that it truly does mean a lot to a girl who didn’t think her writing was good at all.

If you don’t hear from me or if I don’t post anything again for awhile, I apologize. Later on, hopefully I’ll be able to explain, but what I can only say is that I’ve finally made a decision, and though I don’t know my future because my future to me is unknown, my God is known.

God is Known.

I’ve heard God and Jesus tell me many times that I am forgiven, that I am loved, that I am free, that I am His, and so much more. I’ve heard from Him and Jesus to not worry, and though my future seems to be unsure and I don’t know what will happen and how He will take care of it all, He will take care of all it.

You can worry. Or you can trust God. You can’t do both. it’s either I worry or I trust Him. I can’t do both.

I remembered I wrote one or two character sketches, though I couldn’t remember when I wrote it. I found them today in my old bag, and I saw that I had written two character sketches about a real person and conflict. I was inspired to write a character sketch or sketches about a real person and conflict when I read one of Cynthia Voigt’s books, ‘Dicey’s Song.’

I read them today, and I smiled. I almost always smile when I read something that I wrote a while back. And I decided to combine two of the character sketches that I wrote, together and add onto it a little bit, and share with it y’all.

I hope y’all enjoy it, and I hope and pray that you all have a wonderful day today. (:

~ ~ ~

{There’s This Girl I Know} Written on May 21, 2014 and March 10, 2015.

There’s this girl I know. She and I are starting to be best friends now. Her last name is Parrilla. Her parents are divorced. Her father left, or that was what it seemed like to her. She told me, she didn’t know. She was just a little girl back then, but that’s what it seemed like to her: that her father left her and her family.

She told me she didn’t know why her father left. All she knew was that he was gone. That he had walked out of her life and her family’s lives, disappearing. That he did not stop to tell them goodbye, only to just wave and walk away to who knows where.

She told me when she was young, she thought something, perhaps a monster had stolen her father. She really did not know, she told me again, pain and confusion on her face. “Either I really don’t know, or I just can’t remember,” was her words to me.

Mind you, it took a long time for my friend, the girl I know, to trust me enough to tell me because she was ascared. I don’t know when this happened, but one day when we were together, she told me something that she used to do almost every night when she was a little girl.

She was afraid whatever had stolen her father would happen to her mother too, and she didn’t want the same thing to happen to her mother.

Almost every night at midnight or after midnight, she would get up and check to see if her mother there. To see if her mother was still alive She would panic if she couldn’t hear her mother breathing. She would get as close as she could to her mother, trying not to wake her up while trying to hear her mother breathe; and when she heard her mother breathe, she would go back to bed a little reassured and a little relieved, but she was still scared and she would still fight sleep just to hear her mother breathing.

She told me of her fears and when she told me of her fears, I saw that she was frightened so much. Very frightened.

She was afraid of her emotions. She didn’t want her emotions and she didn’t want to know her emotions. She panicked when her emotions started rising up . She pushed them down, as far down as she could and she thought that helped if only a little bit. “I was wrong in thinking that pushing down and pushing away my emotions helped,” she said to me with a distant look on her face; telling me her words and thinking about what she said at the same time.

Because when she pushed down or pushed away her emotions, they built up little by little whenever she did that. She tried not to leave evidence or tried to leave very little evidence of what she was keeping inside her. She needed a container for her emotions, but she couldn’t find one. So, she tried to become the container herself, but her emotions would seep out. Trickle out.

She was frightened of so many things, and she was also worried about so many thing then. Fear and worry were one of her constant companions back then. She was worried about money because it sometimes seemed like they didn’t have enough and she worried about food being in their stomachs. She worried about her mother and brother. She worried about their health and her health. It seemed like she was frightened and worried about almost, everything.

She didn’t know to be a child because she had grown up when her father left, but she was still was still a little girl on that day she grew up. She just didn’t how to play, and when her family became broken and her father left that was the final straw. She hid from the world.

Years passed by, and the little grew and grew, but she didn’t outgrow her fears and worries. She was still frightened, she was still worried. She was frightened of death and darkness and sickness for they seemed like the same to her because she was worried that her mother was dying because she was sick so many times. She frightened and worried when ever she became sick because she didn’t want to be sick. All she wanted to do was to look after and care for her family.

She was frightened of love because from what she had seen, love had only just her and her family; and she was frightened when people besides her family loved her because she didn’t know if they were going to leave her or hurt her. She didn’t want to get hurt again. She was also fearful of promises from people she knew or didn’t know and from people she loved and whom loved her because she didn’t know if they were really going to keep their promises that they made. They could be filled with lies and wind, and she didn’t want that.

She didn’t want pain and disappointment, again. Yet she hoped that they would keep their promises, even though she tried not to hope.

“I made myself a prison from fear and worry and pain because I thought I would be safe. How wrong I was. It took a long time to take down the walls of thorns I built, even though they weren’t strong.”

“Besides being afraid of those, I was also afraid of myself. I was afraid of myself because I knew I could hurt someone, and I was also frightened of myself because I once almost killed my brother in an accident. I was afraid of what I could do. I was scared of the power I had, and I didn’t want to use it.”

“Yet,” she said. Yet she sometimes used what she knew she had even if she was frightened of it, she revealed to me.

But my friends, my friend is starting to come out of hiding. She’s showing herself to the world without her mask on her face. She’s starting to heal and become whole. She’s starting to get back her voice that she tried to silence and lose. The spark, the flame that she tried to douse is starting to light up.

She finally gave her life to someone she knew she could give it too.

“I gave my life to Jesus, and even though I gave my life to him in anger and pain and sadness and confusion, he turned my whole life around.”

I knew that giving my life to him is something that I won’t ever take back, even though I knew it was going to be hard. He was there when no-one was there, and He’s still with me.

I found and I find healing in Him, when someone hurts me or disappoints me. I found myself and I find myself in Him and in the Father, I thought I never had.”

The last time I saw her, she was finding pieces of herself, rejoicing. In joy. She also found her smile, her laughter. Her laughter isn’t forced, and her smiles isn’t broken. Behind her smile, there’s a story.

She was shining when I saw her recently. She’s still shining, and she’ll shine now because she knows that everything’s alright. She’s with her Lover, Jesus. She’s with her Teacher, the Holy Spirit. She’s with her Father, Abba.

You turned pale with delight
last night,
as you stood
in yesterday’s frozen rain.
You gathered the ice in your arms
as you shivered
and woke up today this morn.
The tips of your fingers
were white
and your lips never turned blue
from the cold
as you drop glazed-looking,
small showers
on the top of my head
with your voice rich with laughter
as you frolicked
and ran your fingers
through everything you touched
with wonder
because you’re standing
in a winter wonderland;
you’re the frozen trees
all around my house.

As a child, I grew up in a Christian home. My mother told me stories from the Bible and told me about God and satan, but I wasn’t Christian when I was young. I was mad at Him, I thought he hadn’t been there for me and for my family. I thought he had abandoned me like I felt that my earthly father and biological father and birth mother. I thought he had abandoned us. I thought God wasn’t there.

And this is where the fear of abandonment came from because I felt that my earthly father and biological father and birth mother had abandoned me, had left me and I felt like I had done something wrong. Something incredibly wrong, when I hadn’t. And now – now that fear is being broken and healed by Dada.

But when I surrendered my life to Jesus in anger and confusion and tiredness in the year of 2012, I’ve seen now that God has always been there for me, there for my family. He was there when my mother was almost fired four times, but she still had her job because He knew – He knew that we needed the money for food, for tickets and for rent. He was there when she was sick so many times that I thought she was dying.

I see now that He was there for me when I wasn’t there for Him. He was there for me when I only came running back to him for comfort when I was scared or worried. He was there even though I screamed, I yelled at him, mad at him. He was there even when I blamed him, when I was impatient with him and tried to do everything on my own, thinking I had everything under control. He was there even when I thought I didn’t need His help or anyone’s help because I thought I didn’t need someone’s help, that I had to do it on my own as best as I could, that I didn’t help, much less help from Someone – Someone who I couldn’t see. He was there even though I hurt Him so much. He was there to hold me and catch and collect my tears, he was there for me when I dared Him to prove himself to me that he’s real and that he’s there.

He didn’t prove himself to me. No, because He, He made Himself known to me. He never has to prove Himself. Not to me or you or anyone. He makes Himself known when now thinking about it, He doesn’t have too because He – He. Is. Already. Known. He is known in Truth.

I see now that He is real, that He is there. That He has always been there for me and He always is. He’s always there. Always there, always here. He didn’t need to know where I was because He already knew where I was, and He doesn’t need to know where I am now because He knows where I am now. He made Himself known to me and He still make Himself known to me. He doesn’t prove that He is real because He is real. He is real.

My fears, my worries are being broken and healed by Him. Like He has said in His Word to us and continually says to us, our tears of mourning are to be turned into dancing and our sorrow into joy. My tears will not be tears of sorrow and fear but instead, tears of joy. Tears of Joy. Dancing. Sorrow into joy. Mourning into dancing.

It isn’t easy following God, following Jesus and following the Holy Spirit, but I don’t think it never was meant to be easy. It isn’t meant to be easy, but it’s more simple than we think and less complicated than we think. And I know that I, Nichia Karstedt, the girl who’s starting to become whole in God and healed by God and is growing and going deeper into God, will never regret the decision to say yes. To say yes to the Invitation that God gives to me everyday. Every hour. Every minute. And every second.

There is no backing out. I will never regret finally surrendering to the One who has always loved me and who has always `cared for me and taken care of. I will never regret my decision to live my life for Him. I will never regret finally saying, “Yes” to Him, and I will never regret saying back to Him “I love You too, Daddy. I love you too, Jesus. I love you too, Holy Spirit.”