Heh. Guess I owe you guys some one way dialogue after that last post, eh? Well I’m back home, and ready to watch tennis again on my couch, with some foie gras smothered in mayonaise (you can take the boy out of the neck, but you can’t take the neck out of the boy, or something like that). Seriously though, I’m stoked to be back home so I can cover the greatness that is the Spice Open. So let’s get to it…Allez!

I took this photo on the way home from Boise. I saw Petra Cetkovska hanging out there. She was on her 10th Pilsner proclaiming this is her new hangout. She was still down in the dumps after losing a toe nail biter* to Ivanovic (in Serbian that translates to tiny mustache). She hung on for two quick points in the first set, but it was all downhill from there as she got the proverbial ass waxing in front of her own parents, 6-0, 6-0. There was a super closeup, slow-mo shot of her tucking her ball under her underwear which restored my faith in the camera crew at Roland G-funk, and coincidently gave me the biggest chub of the tourney. Manritilova was all, “oh, and you know that was a male camera guy that took that shot.” Let me add, it may also have been a middle aged, lesbian, battle axe behind that camera too, but who’s to tell these days. Ivanovic is rocking the silent fist pump too which I would whole heartily get behind………………………………..or in front of…………………………and bend over. Sorry that crossed the line, even for Tennisburger standards, I’ll clean it up from here on out. HA!

I didn’t even get to see if Chokeovska was even close to winning a game ’cause they kept cutting away to 4 very short L.L. Bean models playing some sort of “doubles” match. Seriously how many times can the commentators discuss the tallness of Isner and the rest of his goons. Karlovic wasn’t even there and his name was mentioned 698 times. We get it, they’re tall, move on with the rest of your land fill of a commentating job. Seriously, there’s like, banana peels and bugs buzzing around your commentating. Manritilova called Isner a “tall drink of water.” Gross! More like a tall drink of warm, strawberry Quick through a swirly straw on hot day in Reno. Anyway, do you think the Bryan Brothers race each other to the bottom of their cereal in the morning, then the winner congratulates the loser on how well he tried? Those guys are super intense…and they bump their chests together in mid-leap. Crazy. As I mentioned, Corina Morariu interviewed the ‘mericans after their match behind an outhouse on what looked like a very smelly day and you know she was trying to hook up with at least one, if not all four of them. Know how I know? SHE TOOK OUT HER INVISALIGN FOR THE INTERVIEW! I shit you not, those bad boys were shoved way deep down inside her purse in the hopes that one of the sweaty ‘mericans would buy her a vodka collins, or a cotton candy. No results to post here, it was doubles.

Why didn’t someone tell me Pancetta’s first name is pronounced Flay-b-uh!? What a waste. Well anyway, the very (*cough*) beautiful Navarro sent Pancetta and her cold cuts to the deli in straight sets, 6-3, 6-2. Navarro (uhhh, qualifier?) takes on that forehead we all know and love in the quarters.

Jankohead played with a fake pinched nerve, a fake runny nose, a giant piece of cotton taped to her thigh, some cotton wrapped around her foreheadarm for no apparent reason and still managed to overcome all those fake ailments to beat Dontchawanna Radswanka Wanka, 6-3, 7-6. She completely forgot she had to win 6 games and not 5 as she was serving for match 5-1 and ended up choking on 4 consecutive games before putting the Cornet killer to rest.

Schnyder v. Srebotnik…did anyone see that old black guy (he looked like a cross between Nelson Mandela (god I hope no one searches “Nelson Mandela” and ends up here) and Cornel West) doze off. Another point for the camera crew. “You’re getting verrrrrrry sleeeeeeepy.” Highlight of Roland Garros, no doubt. Oh, Schnyder and that ridiculous tattoo she got when she was 18 proved Srebotnik was a dud, winning in straights, 6-2, 6-4.

Every point I saw of the Gulbis v. Llllllodra match seemed like it was in fast forward. Super fast pace overall. Awesome match. Gulbis reminds of that skinny red-headed kid you see at your tennis courts wearing a grey M.I.T. tee-shirt. You just know he’s a better human being. Even when Gulbis blew that point at 5-4, serving ad-out, missing the DROPPA! you felt it was kinda charming. I think I might fall short here trying to express how rad this kid is. I mean, is Gulbis this French Open’s Tsonga of the last Ozzy Open when he faced Nadal? Did that question make sense? I don’t know, let’s just say this kid is fucking sick, k? As for Llllllodra, why is he charismatic and Hewitt isn’t? He’s louder, sprints around the spice like he’s on his Vespa (seriously, could one French player please do this?) after winning a point, and pumps his fist with reckless disregard for the truth and those around him. Oh yeah, he’s not Ozzy. Gulbis faces Samuel Powers after keepin’ it short but funky, 6-4, 7-6, 6-3. Can anyone say match of the day? I can, just did, outloud even.

Quickly, Roland Garros had a feature on a tennis commentator who works for Al-Jazeera. Yes, that Al-Jazeer. Needless to say they are fresh, and much love goes to them. Anyway, I had no idea Al-Jazeera covered sports, let alone tennis, which probably just goes to show how dumb I am. Anyway, you can see one of the article’s here. Pretty straight forward stuff, just thought the subject of the feature was interesting. Maybe it’s not, I don’t know.

Did anyone hear Barry Mack steal Roger Rasheed’s signature “DROPPA!” from him? What a douche. He snuck in with a whisper-shout, “Dropshot!”. Totally lame. Anyway, I’m all over that burger eating detective we all know and love tomorrow. Dude! Stoked! Out! Allez!

*Toenail biter is soooo mine, I know it’s fresh, but please don’t rip. It’s okay to use it in speech, just not written. I mean you can be hanging out with your bros and someone will be all “dude, did you see that Federer match yesterday, he was down a break, what a nail biter.” And then you can reply, “shutup you ass cake, that shit was more like a toenail biter, Roger won in straights you dip.”

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2 Responses

Heh – I love Cornell West! His appearances on Real Time are the shizza. But I thought the guy looked more Morgan Freemanish, myself. Either way, I agree that it was the coverage highlight of the tournament. And I so almost transcribed that singles bar/portolet interview. Classic.

For the record, I wrote that Llodra is the closest thing to a sure bet and not very sure at all. Allez!