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Hope, Optimism, and all the other Nonsense

RIP Paul, your genius and sense of humor will be missed.You were too good for this world!

To say I want this week to be over is understatement of the year. I have been trying to be the one positive blog on Lung Cancer, and I think I may have been fooling myself. This disease is awful, and it doesn’t discriminate.

As they say, shit got real this week. Not saying that hearing about death of anybody is easy, but death of Paul Kalanithi was pacifically difficult to hear yesterday. This man was our hero, he was our inspiration. The day Molly got diagnosed, our oncologist told us about him. Then of course on the same day we find out about Paul, Molly has to spend 24 hours at the hospital for dangerous blood clots in her lung and legs. As tumor progression was not scary enough, now we have to worry about all the other ways cancer can kill. Feel like I am playing in real life Legend of Zelda!

Molly & I have been the poster children for LC hope. Every month we get newly diagnosed patients referred to us. I enjoy talking to patients and caregivers, because when Molly first got diagnosed I liked talking to optimistic people. Last night as I watched my wife of 15 years lay in bed in the hospital I felt like a big fat phony. Who am I to give people hope? Am I even doing enough for my own family? I can’t even convince my nine year old her mother will be ok.

Then I came across Katie Brown’s essay on hope. Katie has been dealing with LC, lot longer than I have and if she can be optimistic so can I. Will all the patients I have gotten to know survive? Now I know that wasn’t a realistic hope, but even if one beats the odds I am happy.I will continue believing in the science, human will power and miracle, because if I loose that I have already lost the battle.

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2 thoughts on “Hope, Optimism, and all the other Nonsense”

Every time you post an entry, I feel better. Our stories are very similar (even about convincing a 9 year old that everything will be ok), but you express yourself so much better than me. Today your blog restored my hope too. I will continue to believe because what choice do we have. Sending positive thoughts to you and your family.