You’re Not Responsible For Other People’s Feelings

Years ago I worked for a startup on a tight budget, with ten of us working out of an extremely cramped office. The woman who sat next to me wore a strong perfume that reminded me of the candle store in the mall. Usually by mid morning I had the beginnings of a throbbing headache, and by the end of the afternoon I was downright nauseous.

At this point in my life I hadn’t yet discovered that I was an introvert, or a highly sensitive person (HSP), or an INFJ personality type. I just knew that I did not mix well with strong smells, loud noises, or crowded places. I was prone to headaches and anxiety and something as simple as a strobe light could set me off.

So, even though this woman’s perfume seemed like such a small thing, it was actually wreaking havoc on my daily life.

Thankfully another one of my coworkers had become a close friend. She was very similar to me—intuitive, people-oriented, and sensitive—and I later found out she was an ENFJ. When I told her about the perfume lady, she said simply, “Why don’t you ask her not to wear that perfume to work anymore? Tell her it bothers you.”

I was stunned, and speechless. That was allowed? I could ask other people to modify something because it was causing me a problem? Rationally, I understood this concept. But emotionally, it felt like my entire world had shifted.

Why It’s Hard for Sensitive Introverts to Speak Up

I am not the first HSP introvert to struggle with this issue, and I definitely won’t be the last. Speaking up for ourselves is not only hard to do, but it tends to bring up a ton of emotional baggage from the past. Most of us have felt for our entire lives that our personal needs are weird and inconvenient to others. We need more space than other people. We need more time. We need more complexity, and more depth. Because other people are often confused by these needs, or can even feel rejected in some way, we learn as children to compromise on them constantly. So, instead of figuring out how to negotiate with others for what we need, we withdraw further into our inner world, attempting to meet all of our needs there, totally on our own.

This works about half the time. The other half we end up feeling resentful, unheard, isolated, and powerless.

So, as highly sensitive people, we have two choices. We can step into our power and be uncomfortable now, in the present moment, by speaking up for what we need. Or we can choose powerlessness and guarantee that we’ll still feel uncomfortable—and probably angry and bitter—in the future, by suppressing our needs and keeping our mouths shut.

Many HSPs and introverts struggle with people-pleasing tendencies and a penchant for codependency. We really, really want to make sure that everyone in our environment is happy, especially with us. But this is a fight we’ll never win. We simply cannot be in charge of everyone else’s emotions. Nor should we be. That’s what this whole “free will” deal is about. Everyone gets to choose their own adventure here. In order to truly honor someone else it’s essential to step back and let them have their own choices and their own reactions.

If people-pleasing has always been an issue for you, this four-step process can help:

Step 1: Evaluate Your Needs

Does the thing you need encroach on the rights of anyone else? Is it harmful to other people? If you’re not invading anyone else’s space or being disrespectful of someone else’s boundaries, it’s safe to say that you are justified in asking that your needs be respected. Use common sense here as well. Sure, your coworker might argue that listening to dance music at top volume is his inalienable right, but most sensible people would agree that his argument doesn’t hold water.

The Takeaway

If you’re able to speak up for what you need and still be respectful of others, then do it. It’s not your responsibility to set boundaries for other people, only for yourself.

Step 2: Use Your Preferred Mode of Communication

Most introverts and HSPs have the misguided idea that we should push ourselves to have face-to-face confrontations with people, when there is nothing that makes us feel more like we want to crawl under a rock. But there is a solution. I hereby give you permission, from this day forward, to communicate your needs through the written word, whenever and to whomever you want, without feeling guilty about it. So send that email. Write that letter and leave it in your neighbor’s mailbox. As long as you state your needs as honestly and respectfully as possible, it’s all good.

The Takeaway

Many introverts communicate much more effectively in writing. Use that to your advantage.

Step 3: Maintain Your Boundaries

Even after you’ve identified what you need and found the courage to ask for it, sometimes the other party will still try to push your buttons (by being consciously manipulative) or forget your previous requests (by being unconsciously oblivious). So, sometimes, you have to go through the whole process again. The upside is that every time you go through it, you get more practice on how to take back your power.

The Takeaway

Asking once might not be enough. If you have to repeat yourself, that’s okay. Think of it as a practice.

Step 4: Hold Responsibility Only for Yourself

When you’re evaluating your needs, you might be tempted to push them aside so that your coworker can go on enjoying his crazy loud dance music every morning. When asking for your needs, you might try to soothe someone else’s defensive reactions. When maintaining a boundary, you might give in when someone tries to tear down your fence because they’ve always been allowed into your garden before, and now they don’t like feeling left out. The reactions of other people are not your responsibility. They never have been and they never will be.

The Takeaway

You are responsible for your stuff and everyone else is responsible for theirs. You’re not helping anyone by trying to manage the emotions of other people.

Speaking up for your needs is not easy. But if you are truly committed to living your best life, it must be done. And the more you do it, the more you’ll be able to readily identify what’s yours, what belongs to other people, and how to draw the line between the two. You’ll come to a place where you step into your own power consistently, with passion and purpose.

And when you look into the mirror, you’ll respect the person looking back at you, because you’ll know that person speaks up for herself.

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Lauren Sapala is a writing coach who specializes in personal growth and artistic development for introverted intuitive writers. She is the author of The INFJ Writer and currently blogs on writing, creativity and personality theory at www.laurensapala.com. She lives in San Francisco.

Fantastic post! Step 2 hit me especially hard. I hate face-to-face confrontation, and I know I express myself better in writing, but I’ve always pushed myself to do in person or not to do it at all. I need to give myself permission to communicate in writing without guilt. Thank you!

I agree that you should not have to put other people above you but telling someone else not to wear a certain perfume is a bit too much, I feel, because you are pushing your own boundaries as close as the other persons body…

Toby_W

If the person’s perfume stayed on her body, it would not be a problem. When you are shooting particles into someone else’s nose you have to be responsible for it.

There’s a difference between “telling them” and “asking them to” though. 🙂 It’s alright to ask, just tell them why it is a problem for you and if they could consider changing it up. You’ll be surprised how many people will easily do it, because it’s much less a hassle to them than you imagine it to be.

Struggled with this for a long time, but these last few years I’ve had a much easier time just speaking my mind and it’s a blessing.

Anna

A good and validating article. One significant element of the whole dilemma of speaking up though, that you didn’t discuss. There’s a strong practical reason why many introverts choose not to speak up for themselves. There are extroverts out there (these particular extroverts are also sociopaths) who fight dirty. If you speak up to them, there’s no telling what they’ll do if you confront them, challenge them, rebuff them, or even just speak up to them. It’s a chance you take and it can be a gamble. There have been times that I spoke up, ended a grating situation with an inconsiderate person, and things improved. But there have been more times that I’ve spent months or even years dealing with the mess the other person made in retaliation.

I agree with the article, but have not had good experiences with doing this. I wrote a letter to a lady and told her that I did not like the way she had changed a logo that I did, and found out that she was telling people that I had mental problems! Also had to enforce some family boundaries and now they are furious. So… be prepared. I do think you have the right to decide what is acceptable and what is not. People who have never had anyone tell them what to do will push back and, if they have a personality problem, be prepared for them to make life very rough for you. They, of course, think that since you are sensitive that you will back down or get all emotional and apologize for speaking your mind. (Surprise them!)

Lauren

LOVE this. Really ought to print this off and refer to it from time to time!