It’s the chick from “Seventh Heaven”! She’s legal now, but still hot. So naturally the Academy had her go to the Tech Nerd Awards. It’s like hazing for hot starlets who haven’t won their way out of slavery yet.

9:41 pm. Ha, Rogen and Franco do Oscar Express. Ha, they’re laughing at The Reader. And Mamma Mia. Staplegun! Moral: Movies are great when you’re stoned. (Anyone remember Beavis and Butthead?) Funny getting the cinematography guy in there. Also kinda like the category headers, now that we’re into it.

Live Action Short goes to — Toyland. WE — oh. OK, we had one to give away. Walk it off… this guy’s German. Malkin’s probably running around with a shotgun right now.

9:50 pm: Hey, it’s what’s-his-name again, the host. Change has finally come — Mamma Mia sold more tickets than Titanic in the U.K.” Ha. (Can we write “ha” shorter? H?) Now the “musical” section, with Jackman doing numbers with Bee-Yonce. Hmm. So, we guess Beyonce is the Lola Falana of the 21st Century. But her outfit shows a healthy, Iris Chacon protion of her t’ighs. “The musical is back!” Ay, shake it, mami! Hey, you dropped something.

Commercial for Bullock romcom. God, used to be romantic comedies were too cutesy — now they’re like Porky’s.

Best Supporting Actor. Holy shit — we though Alan Arkin was dead! Not only he is alive — he apparent had a smoke before he came on. “Enthralled in our uncertainty” — is he talking about Hoffman’s hat? Grey on Brolin: “Boy, you really nailed it.” Gooding Jr. on Downey, tries to make a “are you out of your mind” joke, doesn’t quite make it. Kline gives Shakespearean reading of the qualifications of Heath Ledger and Heath Ledger wins (us too) and the family comes to the stage. Death gets a standing O! Wait — Ledger’s family is Australian? Someone scrape Malkin off the ceiling. “This award tonight would have humbly validated….” By far the best speech. Now — oh, the others are speaking too. Yes, yes, very sad.

So it’s a good thing we move on to a real downer — Documentary Feature. And we listen to artists talk about how wonderful it is to be artists, which makes us hate them, of course, and want them all to lose except Werner Herzog, whom we predicted, and the Maysles, who, we just learned from Bill Maher, made the film we just saw. And the Oscar goes to — Man on Wire. S’okay, this was a noble defeat. The winners are Brit, speedy, “nothing’s impossible.” And they all have to bend down to speak because Maher’s so short. Now they’re doing magic tricks. Documentary Short Subject: The winner is — Smile Pinki! Cute indie smart chick who probably got the superfine gown from an estate sale accepts, and is pretty eloquent on the subject.

10:20 pm. “At first you expect a nice ride, then you just hope you reach your destination.” Is Sean Young coming out? No, it’s about action movies. OK, is this a montage or just three minutes from a Vin Diesel movie? Ugh. Will Smith jokes that unlike other movies, actioners have fans. Ha, take that, aesthete losers. Okay, we getting Sound and Special Effect now, right? Visual Effects: Benjamin Button. WYN. Pitt squints at the Effects guys, thinking, “Did I meet them?” Sound Editing: goes to Dark Knight. WINN. “Going to work is fun every day.” Shh, don’t let it get around. Christopher Nolan smiles softly in the audience; he’s got “fans.” Sound Mixing: goes to Slumdog Millionaire. (Waen. Wanna know how we knew? Because it has lots of different songs, people think, “Why, they must have done some mixing.”) Hey, he’s Indian! Malkin races from the wings and tackles him! “Not just a sound award — it is history being handed to me.” Wow, India must be really fucking poor. Maybe he thinks the statue is solid gold.

Film Editing: Oh no, he’s explaining what editors — oh, that was fast. And the winner is: Slumdog Millionaire. Aw, we lost, but at least we get to hear another foreigner thank his pagan gods — Danny, Simon and Anthony we think their names are.

Eddie Murphy appears out of Bad Movieworld to give Jerry Lewis the Jean Hersholt Award. We can see the connection, but let’s not be mean and point it out; this is nice award, and God bless the old man, who is beginning to resemble Henri Laglois, and is

Songs coming up! Scream and scream again! We’ll come out of the bunker in 10 minutes.

Hey, Wilmer Valderrama won Best Score! He’s gained weight and changed his name to A.R. Rahman. “God is great,” he says. Malkin explodes.

Best Song! Run for your — Oh wait — that was nice. In fact it’s the first Best Song performance we’ve liked since Steven Bishop sang that song from Tootsie in a paint-splattered white suit. A.R. and we win.

And… oops, I see our arts blog is also liveblogging. Check them too, they actually know what they’re talking about.

11:18 pm. We went to sleep during the dead people/ugly dress medley. Whoops, we take it back — Reese Witherspoon steps it up by wearing a prom dress with a tallis. Best Director. All the other nominees look like they know that Danny Boyle (and we) will win. Boyle — who is IRISH — says the show is “bloody wonderful,” and makes many references to Winnie the Pooh. And his lets us know the name of the guy who choreographed the end sequence, to whom he apologizes for leaving him off the credits. There’s a dude or, as we believe they say in the Auld Sod, a roight fucken bastard eh. Oh, Departures won best foreign film, and the award was accepted by foreigners.

Best Actress — Shirley MacLaine to Anne Hathaway: “This is your first nomination” — so don’t worry about losing on this one. Marion Cotillard gives a Rotary Club testimonial to Kate Winslet. Halle Berry tells us about hope and Melissa Leo — you know, we hope next year they do this thing at the Friars’ Club. Sophia Loren looks like the concierge of the afterlife, but her lush voice makes her Streep speech, at least, sound poetic. Nicole Kidman tells us what The Changeling was about so we never have to see it. Kate Winslet carries us to a spectacular victory! She has dropped the Basil Fawlty bit. Gasping, describes doing as Oscar speech at age eight with a shampoo bottle — “Well, it’s not a shampoo bottle now!” Click, there’s the pull clip. How nice that she asked her dad to whistle so she knew where he was — and that he’s wearing his hat indoors, like a right geezer. And she tumbles the words of thanks out, fast but with great clarity, leaving with a quick “hah” of pleasure.

Best Actor. Oh no, more testimonials. They should at least serve dinner. Michael Douglas calls Langella “incom-PAIR-able.” DeNiro starts his tribute to Penn with a gag, that scamp! And gets a fraction of a hand for mentioning Spicolli. Adrien Brody reminds people that Richard Jenkins works a lot. Anthony Hopkins calls Brad Pitt’s Benjamin Button work “complete.” Ben Kingsley sounds great saying “Randy the Ram Robinson…. may he rock.”

We don’t even mind that we didn’t pick Sean Penn. He was great. “You commie, homo-loving sons of guns.” Michelle Malkin collapses, is revived by news that at least Penn’s an American. “I do know how I hard I make it for you to appreciate me.” Penn knows the game, so he has no trouble getting the thanks in without getting rushed or flustered. Refers, it would seem, to anti-gay protesters at the event, and finally he says we should have equal rights — glad to have an “elegant man” as President, and proud of “courageous artists” like “my brother,” Mickey Rourke.

The Best Picture “grouped by theme” mash-ups are kind of weird — especially when the Nazi movie is mashed with The Graduate, and Harvey Milk with famed homophobe Mel Gibson. But whatever: it’s late, and here comes Slumdog Millionaire to sing us to sleep. Hugh Jackman tells us to try the veal, and the end credits advertise this year’s upcoming film product. We predicted 19 out of 24 awards and beat the competition, so it’s all glorious. Jai Ho!

Update: Reax from rightblogger world: “They got their president, and they got their Best Actor… perhaps in 2016 Bobby Jindal will be elected President and Gary Sinise will win Best Actor.” Dare to dream, loser!