Getting Real About Moving On (or, Um, Not): Step One, Honesty

I've put off writing this all weekend, especially because I care about your opinions, and I'm nervous how you're all going to react. I've kept myself busy with a lot of different things--they've included time with myself, time with friends, time with family, time exercising, time smiling, time in tears, and time discussing this all to death with the boys. Still.

When I vowed to take time for myself, and take time to disconnect from them both, I didn't intend to deceive anyone. I didn't mean to say and it not do it. I wouldn't lie to you girls, and just as importantly, I wouldn't lie to myself. I really thought it was something of which I was capable, and the thing I needed most to move myself forward.

I don't doubt that, at times, that could still be what I need most. But, after weeks of trying to disconnect myself and move forward, after trying to sever the ties entirely from both J and Isaac and go off into the world entirely unattached, I know I'm not ready to. I'm not sure what that means about me, or about them, and I know it's not fair to them nor myself, but I know it's honesty. And that's better than lying to myself and to them and to you right now, which is the best I'm capable of.

I've told them both the situation, and given them both the freedom to go. Been completely transparent about my feelings, my indecision, my reality that I feel torn across both relationships. That I feel like I'm living paralel lives at times, even. They've both chosen to stay for now, and I've done my best to try not to feel responsible for how crappy that's made them feel--even my therapists say that's what I have to do--but it's hard.

I've tried to turn over the idea of "me time." And figure out what "freedom" really means. These words are so strong: as empowered women in relationships--especially looking for the relationships that could really be it, we're bombarded by loaded phrases--and we have to make sure we're using them the right way, and letting them influence our actions and reflect upon us correctly. Some days, I'm totally on board with that. Those are the lucid days where I take what my friends, family, and you all say and really feel like I have the strength to move forward, resolve and rebuild, whether it's with them or not.

But then there are these other days where I just...feel so bombarded by emotion. Where everything feels overwheming and murky and I feel weak. And I know at this point, after almost two months of back and forth with them both, that I'm not hanging on to them both for habit. They're outstanding. They're two entirely different lives. And I'm in love with them both.

I know you many of you can't imagine it, but I'm asking you to trust me on this one. Tonight's about honesty--and I'm giving you all I have, friends.

Have you ever changed gears on what your strategy or intention for healing or moving on?