Monday, May 29, 2006

Superhero Pat Robertson and the Divine Milkshake

Forget Storm and Wolverine. Forget Superman. This summer, there is only one super-hero worth watching.

Not only can he tell a person's sexual orientation just by hearing their voice...not only can he predict when and where violent weather will strike the earth...not only can he hear every word God utters, but now, Pat Robertson can do something no other human being, let alone 73-year-old man, has ever been able to do. He can leg press 2,000 pounds!

This from the CBN/700 Club website: "Did you know that Pat Robertson can leg press 2,000 pounds? How does he do it? Where does Pat find the time and energy to host a daily, national TV show, head a world-wide ministry, develop visionary scholars, while traveling the globe as a statesman? One of Pat's secrets to keeping his energy high and his vitality soaring is his age-defying protein shake. Pat developed a delicious, refreshing shake, filled with energy-producing nutrients."

That's some energy drink!

Sorry Navy SEAL, Florida State University/NFL footballer and all-time record holder Dan Kendra. Pat beat you by more than 665 pounds! And he didn't have to have a specially modified machine to hold all that weight like you needed. Plus, his capillaries didn't burst and blind him like yours did.

Wuss.

But even Robertson himself is a wuss compared to his doctor/trainer who claims to press as much as 2,700 pounds. I don't know the trainer's name, but I'm willing to bet it's Jesus H. Christ--that explains the miracle of Pat's strength and how he hears all of God's juicy scuttlebutt.

As for me, it must be true. I saw it on TV. The same TV on which Robertson has predicted an apocalypse for the residents of Dover, Pennsylvania, personally prayed hurricanes away from American seaboards, called for the assassination of foreign heads of state, told the world Ariel Sharon was struck down by the hand of God himself, and has foreseen devastating tsunamis which will obliterate U.S. coastal cities in the upcoming hurricane season.

Pat, I for one repent of all my liberal talk and pledge to remove all offensive posts from this blog post-haste. Furthermore, I promise to be a good, upstanding, conservative, charismatic Christian once again. Only please don't come and beat the &*%# outta me...you stud.