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Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Paris Still Stupid

Image provided by: Foxnews.comThe blonde beauty has done it again. Yes, we are talking about the one and the only- Paris Hilton.A "hacker" tapped into the moronic bombshell's phone and posted the numbers (including family, friends, celebrities and numerous libraries and suicide hotlines) online.Authorities are blaming Paris. Poice Chief John Edward Rittenbergenson is the driving force behind these allegations."I mean, it would be different is she were smart, but this girl is a f%$#^@* retard. She gave the phone to a 'homeless man.' We've discovered that the man is actually a black ops rogue agent from Sudetenland, and Paris is a terrorist. She has reportedly murdered thousands personally, and spends her spare time herding bison. The things I would do to her. It's disgusting."Friends of the mentally incapable heiress have lashed out at Rittenbergenson's comments, calling them "inappropriate" and "very true.""The things that man said have devoured me. Yes, Paris is an idiotic piece of well toned flesh, and yes, I m attracted to her, but she is still my sister, and she didn't mean to purposely give her phone to a stranger. She's too kind and knowingly ignorant to do that."Paris will be tried in a criminal court for "aiding terrorist operations," and will most likely be forced to read several Dr. Seuss books at first speeds.-Trent Heartly

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

"Teddy" Assaulted!

Image provided by: Wyoming.govFLORIDA, FEB. 21-A great white haired snake bear was pronounced dead last night. Police have ruled it a homicide, looking to a local veterinarian, Billy Scaltrip, as the prime suspect. When questioned, Scaltrip readily agreed to hitting the bear several times with a lead pipe. "I was giving Teddy a shot, when all of the sudden, he stood up and slapped me. Not attacked me like an animal, but stood up, slapped me, and walked wight out of the front door."Police said that what followed was an excahnge of harsh words, and a life and death struggle between Scaltrip and Teddy."After I followed him outside, I questioned him: 'What are you? What are you doing?' He then flipped me off and said in a human voice that he thought I was stupid, and then said that I 'can't read good.' After that, I just snapped."That's when police say Scaltrip assaulted the bear, hitting him numerous times.Teddy retaliated by spitting on and "making fun of" Scaltrip. Teddy was rushed to the emergency room and into the ICU, but fought an uphill struggle that he ultimately lost.Dr. Nerport, the acting surgeon says, "That was a mean bear. He flipped me off, too, but I still tried to save him with an injection of Habologens.It failed, due mostly to the fact that habologens are fake."Sorry, Teddy.-Frank Duprosti

Deadbeat Dad

Image provided by: Google ImagesSenator John Ford has reportedly been an "idiot" his entire life., sleeping with numerous mistresses and creating different branches of families that have put him close to the poverty line. Many find the situation laughable, and spend their Sunday afternoons throwing pebbles and apple cores at his disgraceful heap of flesh. One of his 26.3 children, Pantera, states, "I don't like my daddy. He is no good." Touche, Pantera Ford, touche.-Rinaldo Harris

Friday, February 18, 2005

Cookies Mean Death

Image provided by: www.state.ia.us You read correctly. Cookies. Her name is Jelouise Tiawelt, and she makes cookies. So why has she been imprisoned for three consecutive life sentences and possibly a death sentence? Lebanese officials are making it abundantly clear that cocaine in baked goods IS still considered illegal. Despite the outrageous taste of the "Sugar Powder" cookies, Judge Calabalacca is not impressed. "This woman shot her son for not eating a cookie laced with seven pounds of cocaine. She thought he was a 'narc.' He wasn't a snitch, he just didn't want the cookie. I would've beat him instead. Bullets aren't free, you know." The Judge is right. There is no need to shoot your child for not eating a pure cocaine cookie when beating him is less costly. Tiawelt will be tried for seeveral offenses: wasting pure narcotics, unnecessary use of a bullet, and to top it all off, several of the cookies were severely burned. She will undoubtedly be executed following Judge Calabalacca's sentence. "I'll make sure she dies. I hate wasteful people, and that means Mrs.Tiawelt." Thanks, Judge! Clean up those streets! -Frank Duposti

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Nuclear Holocaust?

Picture provided by: Google Images The Soviets are at it again. The threat of nuclear holocaust is once more nearing. Currently, the Soviets have partnered their arsenal with New Guinea and the lower regions of Finland. Their attack is predicted to be globally catastrophic, and not far away. We should all watch the skies for our impending doom and say farewell to our loved ones, but remember to curl into a ball if necessary. However, if nothing does happen, America will once again engage in "Plan B," which of course is the repeated attempt to construct a giant wooden dome over the country to protect it from nuclear attack. -Rinaldo Harris

Habologens Conquer World!

Image provided by: Google ImagesA thrilling question has plagued mankind for centuries. Why does grass smell? Since early civilization, this puzzle has been passed from one to the next. A few weeks after my birth, he answer came to me in a dream. What is the answer? Habologens. They are the missing link to their well articulated equations that seldom function properly. The term "habologens" is in no way truly the missing link. However, I began to study them. Working in close relation with Dr. Boyfriend, I found a fellow genius and a life partner. After hours of study and monitoring of these non-existent particles, we hypothesized that habologens are absorbed by sweat and carried to the brain, where they are identified as "grass." So Dr. Boyfriend and I sent a proposal to the American Scientific Association of Jamaica (ASAJ) to have the odor legally burned in every citizen's backyard, creating a nationwide sense of carelessness and relaxation as the natural odor overtakes our slothful country, and eventually creates a permanent stench of burnt grass. Habologens are not real. I am not a scientist. Peace out. -Dr. Beardley W. Nerport

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

The Vulgar V's

Following the press release of a local band consisting of over twelve members, The Vulgar V's are rapidly gaining fame. With songs such as "I Feel Depressed," "C!@# C!@# D$%^ D$%^ C&*$ C&*$," "Supermodel," and their new rap smash "Kill 'Em," featuring Lil' D Nips, The Vulgar V's expect to release their LP in spring. Their publicity agen, Neal Barenblat, has issued a statement claiming that any single can be purchased and sent on a personalized CD for all those who wish to "have their ears romanced with sweet, blissful lyrics." Tour dates for the up and coming group are still uncertain, but several locations around South Africa have already been sold out. At least three locations in Europe are still available, and Lil D. Nips will join them in that part of the tour. "Man I just love the music, man. Those Vulgar V's know their music, man. Man, I just want to share my skill with them, man. Man, come out and see us, man. Peace and love," says Lil' D. Nips when asked about his family life. And I say, "Man, true that, man." -Mike Donepezil

V-Day Nightmare

Image provided by: Google ImagesJ.M. Taylorsonville a Tallahassee resident's body was discovered early this morning. Police suspect foul play, with his girlfriend as the prime suspect. "I thought he was trying to kill me! He bought me candy and told me it was poison and then he laughed, so I killed him. It was self defense!" Police believe that Kathryn Beavston is mentally insane because when caught, she ran nude into a McDonald's and defecated on a tray, and then proceeded to assault 17 police officers. What a day. -Frank Duprosti

Clone Accomplished!

Image provided by: Google ImagesAmerica has finally found the technology to clone human beings. After years of arduous attempts, America finally has come to benefit. It all began when the first sheep, Dolly, was cloned. At first, a local farmer could not tell the difference between the two sheep. "I looked at two of my sheep, and couldn't tell which'un was which." Of course, Billy was confused. Soon afterwards, farmer Billy discovered that a scientist, Evan Evanson, had been working in Bill's farm basement for three years. "Well, it was quite simple really. I took a Xerox machine and placed Dolly in it. That's when I pressed copy. 'Fore I knew it, I had another Dolly. The hard part was gettin' that girl into the machine. I had to crush her head down with a bear trap. There was blood." Bloodshed, however, is apparently something necessary for scientific mastery. In the mid-late 1800s, America was engaged in a civil war. By the end of the bloodshed and violence, scientists had discovered water. Keep in touch with Tuesday Times for more on cloning. -Rinaldo Harris

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Recent Pranks Anger Teens

Image provided by: Google ImagesHow old does one have to be to outgrow the pre-teen habit of "egging?" Several high school students in the Memphis area are baffled. Last Saturday night, several houses of Ridgeway female students were "egged," raising the question: What chilish moron still has the audacity to pull a 12 year old's prank? Of course this is not the first time students have seen what most are calling this "idiot loser crack addict." These same houses were attacked mercilessly several weeks ago, leaving one to wonder what these innocent girls have done to deserve being the target of a childish desire for attention. "I just want to know who is doing something so dumb? This person or group obviously has no friends, and probably suffers fro low self esteem due to ugliness and severe disfigurement. It is just so stupid that it physically hurts," says one anonymous victim. Despite their efforts to remain nameless, many students have vowed to determine their identities, and assure the Tuesday Times that the police will be involved and the law will be driven to the fullest extenet, possibly seeking nothing less than a death sentence. -Mike Donepezil

Women's Rights?

Image provided by: sonic.netPresident Bush has now amended the constitution, putting a mild restriction on women's rights. Women have recently shared numerous priveleges with men,and it is now fair to say this: that era is over. After several riots outside of the White House and47 major protests across the nation, President Bush has decided to appease the hundred million deserving men by once again allowing them the opportunity of domination. In a speech given last Monday, Bush proclaimed, "It is America's understanding that women abuse the priveleges that we, as leaders, once gave them." He continued, "That's why I'm letting Condoleeza Rice go. Not so much firing her, just letting her go." Bush speaks nothing less than pure truth.Women have abused their rights; learning, choosing, refusing, and being individuals are all villainous crimes that women have recently comimitted. One man comments, "I like women that don't talk. I think that we should mute them with some medical procedure." On a survey, 85% of the average American males agreed. The new act by Bush enacts many old customs, along with a few new ones. For example, one new law states that women can no longer breathe natural air aftre three in the afternoon, but instead must use air tanks as not to contaminate male air. "Women need leashes, and soon." -Rinaldo Harris

The Grizzlies

Image from Joe Murphy/NBAE/Getty Images The Grizzlies are to face off tonight against the Sixers. All agree that now is the time to pull through and win games, so they probably won't. The Griz can use all the support they can get, since Memphis hasn't already spent millions. After a loss to the Clippers and a win against the Timberwolves, this team needs support. Fans are asked to please show up in the blind hope that the Grizzlies will emerge from this season with talent. Good luck, Grizzlies!

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Pats Win!

Image from BBC Sports NewsYes, this is the third of four Super Bowl wins for the Patriots leb by Bill Belichick. But does anyone care? After thirty-nine Super Bowls, the uneventful game, horrible commercials and somber halftime show combined to make this year's game a complete waste of time, effort, money, life, breath, and anything of remote importance to human kind. Congrats, Patriots! -Trent Heartly

Devil Mob Beats Children!

Image provided by: people.ucsc.eduSWITZERLAND, FEB. 7- In Lugano, an angry mob of what authorities are calling "Satanists" brutally murdered three children, ages 4, 4, and 5. Led by a man called "Thor," the mob kidnapped the children and transported them into an underground place of demon worship via a river of blood. The children were placed on a sacrificial altar and then beaten with rods adorned with nails. Our house expert on Satanism, Nile Burenblit states, "When you think about it, all these people were doing is demonstrating their faith in eternal hellfire. Who can blame them?" Switzerland's District Attorney office appeared reluctant to file charges, although they feel the removal of the nails from the steel murder weapons would be sufficient punishment.Lugano Police Chief Jil Diument disagrees. "This is outrageous. These devout Satanists are having their rights stripped from their necks. Remove the nails? For what?" The people of Lugano seem to agree. Several interviewed agreed that the children "deserved what they got."DID THEY DESERVE IT?Deserved ruthless murder- 99%Deserved barbaric beating- 1% According to this poll, the sole dissenter was a homeless man names Jona Guibbs, who belived the children should have merely been beaten into a pain induced coma. After further questioning, the District Attorney finally admitted that no charges were to be filed, and this is one reporter that agrees. -Frank Duprosti

Ridgeway Frisbee- Bad Decision?

Image provided by: Google ImagesSome say it is so. But why? With a lack of commitment right off the bat, Ridgeway Chapter President Nick Holmes seems concerned. "I don't think that it will prove to be a waste, but a boost in morale would definitely help. I mean, it took some players two months to sign up, and even still some missed. I'm going to kill myself." Despite Holmes's positive outlook on Ridgeway's upcoming first season, some still remain skeptical. After a beating in their non-hostile scrimmage against Collierville recently, some players are doubtful concerning the success they will ultimately not achieve. Ridgeway's first event will be February 26th, a Jamboree match against none other than Collierville, also a first year team. Immediately following this game will be a match against MUS, one the team hopes to win. "I think we have a real chance this season," says Holmes. "All we need is to actually practice, show up for the games, and try desperately to make it seem as though we possess skill, and we have a championship team. Come on out and support us!" I stand with an army behind me when I say, "Thanks, Nick. But definitely, no thanks." -Mike Donepezil