December 1, 2014 – The British Board of Film Censors (BBFC) laid out a new set of regulations against online pornography in the UK on Tuesday. In addition to forbidding the depiction of many acts which would provide female pleasure, the ruling also requires all pornstars to don powdered wigs akin to the style of 17th century England, as well as the wigs still worn by high-level judges and lawmakers. “The British people have spoken, and they have said, through hushed legislation passed without their input, that there is to be no more spanking, facesitting, or aggressive acts by either party that we on the board feel are quite icky,” said BBFC president Patrick Swaffer from his London flat. “Instead, our nation's pornography will represent the sophistication and class of our culture, with the gentleman stiffly astride his lady, her adorned with a Marie Antoinette hairpiece.”

The Audiovisual Media Services Regulations 2014 only restricts the production of British pornography, so horny gents browsing the internet may still have their impure inclinations assuaged by the skin flicks of more heathenistic foreign cultures. UK porn, however, will no longer contain physical or verbal abuse, regardless of consent, and will all contain women wearing white perukes and periwigs, regardless of anachronism.

The breakthrough legislation, championed almost exclusively by old white men, has also paved the way for other future regulations, such as requiring female pornstars to wear a barrister's black robes with silk scarves, and to at least one time amidst the act of intercoursing exclaim, “All rise,” or, “You're out of order!”

“We don't wish for citizens to mistake these regulations as mere prudence,” Swaffer continued, his stone-faced wife lovingly by his side. “We simply wish to see pornography adhere to a style which we in the legal and lawmaking profession know to be sexy. What self-respecting British man doesn't wish to see a mostly-covered young gentlewoman being pleasured while wearing a powdered headdress designed to conceal hair lost due to syphilis?

“In fact, I recently saw this one film,” he whispered to reporters. “The damsel was wearing a medieval black-and-white hooded dress, staring rigidly at the ceiling and regularly complimenting her suitor's thrusting prowess with things like, 'most pleasurable,' and, 'quite.' I had to stop halfway through before the unthinkable happened.” While strict, the wig regulations do provide an exemption, wherein erotic filmmakers who apply can have their stars' hair modeled on the style popularized by Margaret Thatcher in the 1980s.