The Soul Solution

Doctrinally, Catholics must go to Mass every week [ref]. That’s tough, though: there are plenty who’d rather be sleeping in and then watching the game, not dressing up for worship. This business is here to provide a solution.

The notion is simple: your soul is like your dry-clean-only laundry. Drop it off at the cleaner’s every week before 10AM, get it back no later than 5PM the next day. When you sign your soul over at the counter, you get a ticket with which to claim it back later. While you’re away doing your own thing, a Professional Catholic will carry it to Mass and get it eucharized for you. So convenient!

Worried about God’s take on the thing? Well, remember: His eye is on the sparrow. Even He’s not going to mass! He’s out birdwatching. As for the Attendance Angel, they see the right number of people with the right number of souls showing up, and your name is clearly printed on your own. (Soul Name Desmudging is a complimentary service.) (The Professional Catholics each have a small safe in their locker at the office in which to store their own soul during the Mass.) As far as tallying which soul is supposed to go with which body, that’s too much effort for most of them. After all, bodies are natural, constantly changing, and kind of hard to identify. Just counting up the souls is much more efficient.

There are additional services available, of course. Been missing a few Masses recently? No problem! Our team will take your soul through up to 12 Masses daily until you’re caught up. It’s better not to get behind in the first place, of course, but if you already are, you’d better remedy that as soon as possible: the interest is hell. If you’re worried about the actual cleanliness of your soul, just detail your sins in the comment box when you deposit it and let the professionals take care of both the confession and the penance! Additional fees may be assessed for mortal sins.

Interested in the concept but of a different faith? Not to worry! Additional faith options are coming soon. Islamic Daily Salah will be available on a subscription basis within the next six months, with more to follow. Get involved in not getting involved, by joining this exciting service today!