The 25 funniest jokes of the week

In a week as stable as any other we’ve had in a while, Donald Tusk said Brexit promoters deserved Hell for not having a plan, Donald Trump got his union in a state, and M&S decided a suitable way to celebrate Valentine’s Day would be with a love sausage. The less said about that, the better. In more predictable quarters, Twitter was bloody funny, and we were there to capture it and display it for your edification:1.

In high school I was placed in the English bottom class where a teacher said to my face I’d NEVER make it as a writer.Today, 25 years later, after uncountable knock-backs from almost every publisher, I’m ecstatic to finally be able to announce that teacher has died. #NeverGiveUp

I press my thumb down on an app to delete it, causing all the other apps tremble with fear, and in this moment I am as great and terrible as a vengeful god of the ancient world, my cruelty both capricious and final.