Break Up Letters to Boyfriends

If you’re looking for break up letters to boyfriends, it’s probably because you seek guidance for an impending break up. You’ll find that here. In the future, I’ll provide samples of break up letters to boyfriends (not real letters, but something you can model), but for now I want to give some guidelines.

Many people say that a break up letter is never appropriate, and that you should do it face-to-face.

I strongly disagree. Many times, doing it this way is best — sometimes doing it face-to-face can be too scary (so you end up delaying) or even dangerous (if he has a history of abuse).

We even have a term for break up letters to boyfriends: “A Dear John letter.” Of course, in these days, it’s not always break up letters; just as often, it’s a break up email (though hopefully you’re not sending a break up text to your boyfriend!)

Following these break up letter steps and you’ll be fine:

Step 1: Why I’m writing

After your “Dear [Boyfriend],” explain the reasons why you couldn’t speak face-to-face. Maybe you’re scared, maybe he acts violent, or maybe you just feel too guilty to face him. Tell him that you know he would want to hear this information as soon as possible, and this is the best way for you to do it.

Step 2: Why we’re breaking up

Tell your boyfriend that you’ve decided to end the relationship. You might want to explain why, or it might be obvious to you both (e.g., cheating). Focus on yourself and how you feel, and try not to dwell on your ex-boyfriend’s faults.

If there isn’t a clear reason, you might just say that though you appreciate his positive qualities, the relationship isn’t working for you. Express that you’ve enjoyed your time together, but now you know it’s time for you to move on. Let him know that you’ll have fond memories (if it’s true).

Step 3: “Get help”

If the relationship was troubled by your his unhealthy behavior (e.g., cheating, substance abuse, violence), you may want to express how that affected you. You can recommend that he get help. Repeat that you know that it’s time for you to move on, and that — even if he changes for the better — your decision remains.

Step 4: Possibly friends?

Although I don’t recommend that you bring up friendship, if you want to stay open to the possibility of friendship, you can say so. This generally isn’t a good idea, but sometimes it’s OK, especially in cases where you were friends first. You can let your boyfriend know know that you both need time to heal, but there is the possibility of friendship down the line.

Step 5: My decision is final

If you don’t want to retain any possibility of getting together again, tell him that you are certain in your decision to split, and ask him to respect that. If you don’t wish to hear from him again, let him know that calls, visits, and correspondence are not welcome. Remind them that you don’t wish to spend any more time discussing what went wrong, and that you’re getting on with your life.

Step 6: Apologize

If you did anything to harm your ex-boyfirned — especially if you cheated or lied to him – apologize in the most heartfelt way possible. However, as advice columnist Dan Savage says, “All relationships fail until one doesn’t,” so don’t blame yourself simply because your relationship didn’t “succeed.”

Step 7: “All the best…”

End your break up letter to your boyfriend with your best wishes. Remind him that now it’s time to heal, and that you will not be seeking or receiving contact with him. Though it may be difficult, avoid ending the letter with “Love, [Your name].”

Remember: Concentrate on the task at hand: Ending the relationship, not analyzing it. Also, avoid mentioning that you love him, even if it’s true. Mentioning your love for him will only confuse him and give false hope, so avoid it.

Break ups are hard to do, and even writing a break up letter to your boyfriend can be an exhausting experience. Take some time for yourself, and then get on with your life!