Real Sh*t

DIVORCE. What a huge beast of a topic. I have never really discussed divorce here; just casual mentions of it being something I’ve gone through. I have thought about sharing my experience for 5 years, but it just seemed like too huge of a topic, too personal, and honestly, very scary to put out there.

This post is not about my marriage or anyone but myself. I want that to be clear. This is how I felt and what helped me.

During my divorce process, I had reached a point in my life that I felt like I was just trying to survive each day. It was the single most isolating experience I have ever gone through in my life. I was dissatisfied with life and with myself, and I wanted to change that, but I didn’t know how. I found lots of blogs and forums discussing these lofty ideas on how to discover your sense of identity and purpose, but none of them provided any practical solutions or steps.

This post will hopefully fill that void.

I went to therapy for over a year during this time, and I am so grateful for that experience. I highly recommend going to therapy if you are able to – I looked forward to these appointments every week more than anything else. That would be my very first tip.

Second is to write everything down. This is so key because you will forget how you felt during different times throughout the process, and when you write everything down, you will begin to see some patterns which will hopefully help you make decisions, change your perspective, and will help gain self-worth and confidence….and ultimately and let go.

Here is what REALLY helped me. I know that I would have been able to become as strong as I am now if I hadn’t written the following down.

WHAT TO WRITE DOWN

1. Your circumstances:

When I was going through divorce, I felt shame and didn’t want to see people that I knew. I felt a loss of stability and normal-ness (DUH)…it’s shocking to go through if you’ve never experienced it. When you spend years with someone, the relationship becomes a part of your identity. Good or bad, that is the reality. And then it’s gone.

Take an assessment of where you are at this moment. Write down every single detail of where you are mentally, physically, financially, all of it. All of the facts – good bad, and the ugly. After you’ve written it all down, review everything that you wrote. Consciously accept everything that you wrote. You can say out loud, “These are my circumstances. While they’re not what I expected, I will accept them, face them, and I will be okay”. This felt really silly to me at first, but it became my mantra. I had to be okay, there was no other choice.

2. The root cause of your feelings and actions:

This part requires some very brutal honesty with yourself. It doesn’t matter who did what – what is important is to identify and work with your feelings and actions.

Some prompts could include: “What bothers me about my divorce and why?” “What keeps me up at night?” “What is keeping me from moving forward?” If you write the answers down, I promise that you will have better insight into YOURSELF.

After you’ve written all of this down, narrow your feelings down to one or two needs. Everything you’ve written down probably leads to one or two needs. Personally, I really needed approval. I had feelings of embarrassment and shame and I did not want to be viewed negatively in any way. I think that most everyone goes through these particular feelings during divorce, but for me approval was front and center within my list. I learned that my value wasn’t based on anyone’s opinions or assessments. This was a huge realization that I want everyone going through this to discover.

3. What you’ve learned:

Write down everything that your learned from your marriage AND your divorce. What do you know now that you didn’t know before? Is something more important to you now than it was before? Once you’ve written everything down, make it a point to remember these topics as lessons.

Lastly, choose to let go. WOW is this hard to do. The best way I found to let go was to replace those replays and reliving the past with acknowledgement and then release. I acknowledged I was thinking those things, and then I let it go. Keeping busy and working to create the life that I wanted was the biggest driver.

Instead of sitting around feeling bad for myself, I stopped living in the story. It was over. It was amazing how my self confidence came back like it never was there before.

The pain does not have to stop you. Don’t let it. Do not settle. Take charge of your life and create whatever you want for yourself.

Life is hard sometimes. If you are going through a divorce or any other hardship, know that you are not alone.

I hope that this has helped just one person. I will continue to provide a platform that promotes women being the best that they can be – it’s what fires me up!

Hi! I was thinking it’s about time I do a post more about ME. My intention with this blog is not to make it about me, but I thought this would be a fun way for you to get to know me a little better. For all of you who have followed me since 2010 (If you followed my first blog, Beautiful Things Diary – LOL) you probably know A LOT).

I feel like, with blogging and being on YouTube, there are so many questions I have about the person. I love it most when bloggers and YouTubers talk about REAL SHIT. We’ve all seen the pretty photos, the bunches of roses, pretty sunsets on beach vacations all over Instagram, and while these are inspiring, I think that it’s so important to go deeper.

So, here we go!

10 FACTS ABOUT ME

1. Before I was born, my parents thought I was going to be a boy, and my name was going to be Scott. When I was a born and they saw that I wasn’t a boy, they named me Lynn Michelle. I’m kinda sorta named after my great grandmother, Lila. I actually have no idea where Michelle came from, but when I was younger, I wanted to go by Michelle instead of Lynn because it was more ‘interesting’ and girly to me at the time.

2. I have always been a SUPER intuitive person. One of my super powers is that I usually know when someone is pregnant before they share their news. This year, I’ve known about 3 pregnancies before I was told. But this has been happening since I was very young, like 4 years old. Oh, the joy of pretending to be surprised!

3. I have a phobia of blood draws. Even typing that up makes me queasy. I fainted watching one, which is where I think the phobia began. I don’t love needles, but I CAN handle injections and BOTOX. Go figure.

4. I studied pre-med as a minor in college and I interned as a Labor and Delivery Assistant in a hospital for three years. I wanted to deliver babies (this was seriously the most incredible experience – there is NOTHING like it)…but I quickly learned that the needles part would hinder me, as well as the time and money that needed to be invested into medical school. I knew deep down that what I really want(ed) in life was to be my own boss.

5. My first job was at a boutique pet store. Not the kind where they sold poor bred puppies and kittens, but a shop that sold fancy leashes, toys, and food. I HATED retail and bow down to those who work in retail.

6. I am a pisces and am a TRUE pieces. See above for some of this, but I am totally a water person and love swimming. Totally fitting with my name, which means: Waterfall; Pretty; A Cascade; Lake; Pool; Pond. Another fact tied into this one: I swam competitively (which I hated, the competitive part) in high school.

7. I am not a morning person and I never have been. I wish I was, so badly, and I am slowly trying to work on this. I hate feeling like I’ve wasted the day waking up at 9 am!

8. I traveled to Australia in junior high for a month, which instilled a sense of major adventure in me. I LOVE to travel – it is one of my biggest passions.

9. I thought that I would be a mom of 3 by the time I was 28 years old. HA HA! At 31, I have no kids and I’m fine with it. Although I DO feel the societal an internal clock pressure.

10. I am very weird and picky with food. This blog post would be a mile long if I went into everything, but I am very choosy when it comes to meat. I don’t eat any dairy after a horrific experience at the California State Fair, where I witnessed a calf birth. The calf was immediately taken from its mother because she was a dairy cow. I will spare you the rest of the details because they are so fucking sad. But when I got home, I researched and researched and decided that was it, no more dairy. Plus it makes me feel like total crap. I love sushi and I love BREAD. My mom’s nickname for me at one point was “BREADHEAD”.

Thanks to genetics, I have mild scalp psoriasis (among a few other skin issues), which is BEYOND frustrating to deal with. Unfortunately there is no cure , but there are ways to manage these issues. Let me say that dry scalp is a little different than having psoriasis or eczema…it’s more mild and usually flares up due to weather changes. But the other two are usually ongoing, but can really flare up at times.

I have tried a million potions, creams, shampoos, conditioners, and prescriptions and unfortunately not a whole lot has worked for me. My scalp psoriasis is like a nagging little bitch that just will not go away! If you suffer from any of these issues, you have probably tried it all too.

While I haven’t cured myself, I have discovered a few ways to keep my scalp psoriasis in check over the last 6 months or so. Yes, it took me 20 freaking YEARS to figure this out!

USE COCONUT OIL

For years, my mom would bathe my scalp in baby oil to make those pesky, disgusting flakes go away. A few years ago, my dermatologist told me that baby oil is actually very drying for people who have scalp psoriasis and that coconut oil would work a lot better. I have been using coconut oil on my scalp ever since, and it truly works. What kind? Make sure it’s unrefined coconut oil – Costco sells a huge tub of this stuff for $20! Make sure that you store it in a cool, dry place.

Keep in mind that a little goes a very long way. take a teaspoon amount and then from there, take a very small amount, rub it between your fingers, and apply directly to the scalp. Try to avoid getting too much of the oil in your hair. Because it will be a fucking nightmare to wash out! If you’re short on time, leave it on as long as you can, or even better, sleep with the oil on your scalp and then wash your hair in the morning. Not only will your scalp feel amazing, but your hair will also be silky smooth. I recommend doing this at least once a month, or more if you have the time.

EXFOLIATING SHAMPOO

Briogeo Scalp Revival Shampoo is AH-MAZING! I cannot tell you how many shampoos I’ve gone through. All natural shampoos, homemade shampoos, prescription shampoos, dry scalp shampoos…99% of them do not work for me. As an aside: if you can avoid it, do not use a steroid shampoo (AKA a prescription). While these work, the risks are so not worth it.

I bought the Briogeo shampoo a few months ago, thinking it was not going to work. Well, it has consistently worked for me and I can’t sign its praises enough. Never have I used a shampoo with exfoliating beads before! The ingredients are pretty cool: charcoal, peppermint, tea tree oil, and coconut oil..among others. I love that when I wash my hair, dryness doesn’t appear 10 minutes after washing (that was a consistent theme for me for years and years).

Not only does it smell so good, it feels good too! Your scalp and hair will feel so clean, but not stripped.

WASH AT LEAST EVERY OTHER DAY

This one is kind of sad, for me at least. If you’ve read this blog for awhile, you might know that I used to go a VERY LONG TIME without washing my hair…and for awhile, it was okay because my hair was so dry.

Honestly, I hate(d) the itchy feeling and started washing my hair every other day, and now my hair is accustomed to that pattern. If I go any longer, my hair gets so greasy and extra itchy. It’s just gross. The lazy girl in me hates this, but I also love it because nothing beats feeling clean and fresh.

LIMIT HEAT STYLING

99% of the time, I let my hair air dry, and then I will use a flat iron or a curling iron. The point is to avoid direct heat on the scalp (blow drying).