PHILOSOPHY PROFESSOR: Your essay is late.
ME: My essay is late? No sir, I believe you're mistaken. My essay is early.
PHILOSOPHY PROFESSOR: No, the due date was three days ago.
ME: Was it, sir? Are you sure? Weren't you just saying something the other day about the subjective nature of reality?
PROF: Maybe...
ME: Well, sir, for me it's still last Wednesday...

Im always being told off for not having my shoes on at school so i did a different one about that........

Teacher: Where are your school shoes?

Student: That's a very funny story......

Teacher: Lets hear your new excuse then.

Student: I swear sir it isn't an excuse!

Teacher: Ok, ok go on then.

Student: Well on saturday i was visiting a carnival, when there was a bike eating competition being held, so i helplessly wandered over to see what it was when a midget strolled over and asked if he could borrow my shoes because i wore my school shoes that day to make sure i wore them today to school. So the dwarf wanted real leather shoes to eat, so i gave him mine just so i could see if i could win some money which i bet because i didn't believe this 3 foot little man could eat both of my shoes. Well to sum it up, he did. So thats why i don't have my shoes.
Teacher: Erm... Oh. Did he also plant this little story into your head?
Student: No sir. If you dont believe me look at this..
{Pulls out a WANTED poster with a 3 foot dwarf on the front with 'Warning, this dwarf eats leather shoes. DON'T bet on it as he is most likely to win.'}

Teacher: {Reading poster} Oh. So it isn't just another excuse?

Student: How dare you sir! Thinking i would make such a story up!

Teacher: {Baffled} I think i will have to talk to your mother then about these missing shoes.

Student: Please don't sir!

Teacher: Why not?

Student: There at home sir but i thought if i made it all up and printed out a fake poster you wouldn't give me a detention as you would realise how creative and inventive i actually am.

Me: I'm on YWS learning how to be a better writer. I think that's a slightly better use of time, considering that I'm going to be a writer and not a mathematitian, don't you?

Dad: Yes, but math is used everywhere, and you're going to have to do well on the math portion of the SAT in order to get a good scholarship for college. ...And why is the page you're looking at titled "Excuses?"

Teacher: Why are you on the Internet when you are supposed to be writing your English Coursework?

Me: Well, you see sir, I'm on YWS which is a Young Writers Society so therefor i decided to go on it to see if anything would inspire me to write a better essay on Romeo and Juliet.

Teacher: So people publish work on Shakespeare on there?

Me: Not exactly. More like I ask a bunch of people who are Shakespeare-aholics to write it for me.

Teacher: How would them writing it benefit you?

Me: You see sir, if I ask them to write it for me, I would have more time writing stories and being creative than doing coursework which wouldn't contribute to my life as a writer which benefits me more in the long run.

Teacher: But you would get a poor mark in your GCSEs so you wouldn't make it as a writer anyway.

Me: You don't think I thought this through? That's why I asked Shakespeare-aholics to write it for me so I get A**** in English so I would have a better chance making it as a writer.

Teacher: (Getting REALLY confused) So your on YWS thing to help you get better marks yet you aren't writing the essay yourself even though you need good grades for your future yet telling someone else to do your essays would decrease your marks so this is suppose to help you how?

Me: And your supposed to be the teacher? Yet you can't read the heading 'Excuses' and can't you see I have been writing this all down? Wow sir, you really aren't the sharpest pencil in the tub if you can't see that I am messing around on the Internet and defiantly not doing the assignment.

me: well when i got to school i had to go to the bathroom, i had a quadruple chili cheese bean burrito and chili for breakfast, you see. After i had gone i discovered there was no toilet paper, so i used the only paper i could find