Articles

Every year thousands of children face
bereavement, perhaps through the death of a friend, a sibling, a grandparent, a
parent. It is sometimes the case
that adult family members who are experiencing their own grief miss noticing
the feelings and behaviours of the children involved. It can be often assumed that children are ‘resilient’ or
‘brave’ or are not old enough to fully understand what is going on; however,
nothing is further from the truth.
I have known of situations where children were sent away to stay with an
aunt and returned several days after the burial. These children were not allowed to see the remains of the
deceased person (parent, grandparent, sibling) and, on their return, dare not
mention the deceased person’s name. A not untypical response in the case of young children (under
five years) is to tell them that ‘Daddy has gone away, but he’ll come back
again’. Sometimes, these children
shockingly discover the truth from another child – but this can be a number of
years later. In the meantime, the
child has undergone untold feelings of rejection and a different form of grief
– ‘why did Daddy leave me without saying goodbye.’ It is often the case that the child will not believe his
peer or, indeed, may become aggressive or violent towards the other child. The reason for this reaction is that
the child is not in any way ready to absorb the reality of his parent’s death.

Very often adults agonise over what to say to
children and frequently this can result in them saying nothing. The most important response is to tell
children the truth; do not underestimate children’s ability to understand. The truth needs to be given simply and
clearly, accompanied by love, sympathy and the support to bear the loss. It is often necessary to repeat the
information because, like adults, children may not ‘take in’ the bad news on
the first or second hearing. In
any case, children need to be given opportunities and space to return to the
sad subject in their own time and at their own pace. This revisiting process may take weeks or months or even
years. The wisest time to be
honest with children is when inevitably they ask the mind-bending question:
‘Where has Mammy gone?; Will I see her again?’ Again, integrity and truth are paramount. ‘Where has Mammy gone’ can only be
answered from the belief system of the person being questioned. Those with no Christian beliefs may
talk about life cycle and how Mammy lives in the hearts and minds of those who
loved her. Those with religious
beliefs may talk about heaven or a new life. Adults need to be aware that children seem to require no
more information than they ask at the one time. Be wary of long-winded responses.

The extent and endurance of a child’s grief,
say, for a grandparent or parent, will depend largely on the quality of the
relationship that had existed between them. For example, a child may be far more deeply bereaved by the
death of his mother with whom he had very close ties than by the death of a
father who is absent or rarely interacted with him. Clearly, the quality of relationships experienced by the
child with the remaining parent or guardians also will influence the course of
the child’s grief. What children
who are bereaved need are quality relationships that provide the ongoing
unconditional love and security for them to cope with the loss and to progress
with living their own lives.

When a child loses a parent, a situation that
is frequently missed is the relationship that existed between the parents and
how that can influence the child’s grieving response. Where there is conflict between the parents, a child may
‘side’ with one of the parents and, of course, the loss of that parent is far
more distressing and threatening than the loss of the other parent. The child may fear the parent who has
survived may now ‘take it out’ on him because he formed a coalition with the
deceased parent.

Certainly, the biggest blow any child can
experience is to lose a mother or father; it changes the whole family
dynamic. Children in such
circumstances can cleverly try to restore equilibrium: girls by attempting to
be the perfect ‘mother’, boys by trying to become the perfect ‘father’. This needs to be accepted as the coping
mechanism it is, but gradually the child needs to be eased-out of being the
substitute parent and helped to rediscover their own childhood and their own
needs. When this situation is not
redressed, children who have adopted the deceased parent’s role may find it
extremely difficult to accept the surviving parent wanting to remarry. Indeed, later on as an adult, this
child may find it difficult to be fully committed to their own marriage. In such circumstances, professional
guidance may be required.

One of the most common (but unspoken) fears
that young children experience is guilt.
They feel that somehow they have been the cause of the death. Patently, the reassurance that ‘it is
not your fault’ will be visible in as much from how adults treat the child as
from anything they say, but the perfectionism that some young children develop
in order to never ‘cause’ another death needs considerable and enduring loving
attention until this guilt is resolved.

Finally, grief is not simply a matter of
words. It is not expressed only in
words and it is not resolved just in words. Grief goes far deeper than that. Sometimes, it is acted out in behaviour which can be
alarming for parents and teachers.
There can be outbursts of anger, rage, swings of mood, withdrawal,
looking ‘lost’. All of these are
common grief responses – just as they are in adults who are grieving. What is required is for adults to allow
children to express these powerful feelings in a way that they do not hurt
themselves or others. Children
need to know that anger is wise.
They need the assurance that sadness does not last forever even though
it can come in waves and sometimes we do not know the waves are coming.

Dr. Tony
Humphreys is a clinical psychologist and author of All About Children,
Questions Parents Ask.