My S.O. of about a year is 45. About 2-1/2 years ago, she had a hysterectomy. Our sex life has been pretty tepid, and we were both adventurous before we met. She says her lack of libido is due to her surgery, however I have seen pictures and read emails that verify her libido was just fine post-op but before we were together. In fact, she even contacted one of these past lovers to ‘kidnap her and use her as a slut’ since we’ve been going out. I understand that women can lose some sex drive after this kind of surgery, but something seems a little off here. My feeling is she that she likes me in a lot of ways, but probably isn’t into me sexually. I’ve even suggested that to her many times, but she denies that’s the case and actually gets angry when I offer that. So, what exactly what do you think is going on here?

A: Her actions speak louder than her words.

Thank you for giving me an opportunity to respond. From your email there are four things that are true:
1. The sexual experience with her now is unsatisfying.
2. She is in contact with a past lover while she’s been with you.
3. She has had a major surgery that is known to change sex drive.
4. Your own analysis has concluded she isn’t into you sexually.

Sexual desire, practices, and needs change as men and women mature. You list your age as 51 and hers as 45. The question may be if the relationship can withstand this shift. I would recommend getting in front of a couple counselor to see if there can be adjustments made, or if the relationship no longer meets both of your needs. . What seems clear is that you are not happy about the change, and there hasn’t been any sign of improvement. A skilled therapist is likely to be very helpful.

Daniel J. Tomasulo, Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP is a graduate of the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania and works as Martin Seligman's assistant instructor there. He is a licensed psychologist specializing in group psychotherapy and psychodrama and is the author of the highly acclaimed Confessions of a Former Child: A Therapist’s Memoir. Visit www.formerchild.com for more information. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.