wo guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a pair of Nikes. His friend looked at him.
”Do you really think those shoes are going to make you run faster than that tiger?”
”I don’t have [...] Continue reading

A five year old boy was living with his mother, as his parents had divorced. One Sunday, she decided to take him to the zoo for the first time in his life. As they passed the various assortment of animals, she would tell the little boy what they were called and make him repeat it. [...] Continue reading

A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus. Continue reading

Stanley Tookie Williams III (December 29, 1953 – December 13, 2005), was an early leader of the Crips, a notorious American street gang which had its roots in South Central Los Angeles in 1969. In 1981, Williams was convicted and sentenced to death for the 1979 murders of Albert Owens, Yen-Yi Yang, Tsai-Shai Lin, and Yee-Chen Lin in two separate incidents.
While in prison, Williams maintained his innocence, refused to aid police investigations with any information against his gang, and was involved in attacks on guards and other inmates as well as multiple escape plots. In 1993, Williams began making drastic changes in his behavior, and became an anti-gang activist while on Death Row in California, renouncing his gang affiliation and apologizing for the Crips\' founding. He co-authored children\'s books and began programs to prevent youths from joining gangs. A 2004 biographical feature film entitled \'\'Redemption: The Stan Tookie Williams Story\'\' featured Jamie Foxx as Williams.
Early life
Born to a 17-year-old mother in New Orleans, Louisiana, Williams moved to the impoverished South Central Los Angeles neighborhood when he was 6, where he made a name for himself for being a fighter and a \\"general\\" on the streets of South Central\'s West Side. People sometimes mistakenly believe that \\"Tookie\\" is a nickname, but it is in fact his given middle name, which was shared by Williams and his father, Stanley T. Williams Jr.
Formation of the Crips
The eastern side Crips were formed by Raymond \\"Truck\\" Washington in 1969. Williams joined Washington in 1971, forming the west side Crips. According to many of the original members of the gang, it was initially started as a means to keep the streets safe, reducing violence and police brutality. Williams said \\"we started out—at least my intent was to, in a sense—address all of the so-called neighboring gangs in the area and to put, in a sense—I thought I can cleanse the neighborhood of all these, you know, marauding gangs.
But I was totally wrong. And eventually, we morphed into the monster we were addressing.\\" According to one version, the original name of the gang was the word \'\'Cribs\'\' from the first name of the gang, the \'\'Avenue Babies\'\', and a reference to their youthfulness. The name \'\'Crips\'\' was first introduced in the \'\'Los Angeles Sentinel\'\' in a description by crime victims of young men with canes, as if they were crippled. The name stuck.
Crimes
Williams at age 29. Williams was an active bodybuilder.Williams was convicted of two separate robbery/murders in 1979. Williams always maintained his innocence, though subsequent court reviews concluded that there was no compelling reason to grant a retrial.
Court transcripts show that, Stanley Williams met with a man who is only identified in court documents as \\"Darryl\\" late sometime on Tuesday evening, February 27, 1979. Williams introduced Darryl to a friend of his, Alfred Coward, a.k.a. \\"Blackie\\".
A short time after the initial meeting, Darryl, driving a brown station wagon and accompanied by Williams, drove to the home of James Garret. Coward followed the two in his 1969 Cadillac. Williams frequently stayed with Garret, and kept some of his personal effects at that location including a 12-gauge shotgun. Williams went into the Garret residence, and in about ten minutes returned with the shotgun.
The three men then went to the home of Tony Sims, where they discussed where in Pomona, California they could go to make some money. Afterward, they went to another residence, where Williams left the others for a period of time. Upon returning, Williams had a .22 caliber pistol, which he placed in the station wagon. Williams then suggested that they should all go to Pomona. Darryl and Williams got into the station wagon, Coward and Sims got into the Cadillac, and shortly thereafter they were on the freeway headed toward Pomona.
Botched robbery
Both vehicles exited the freeway in the vicinity of Whittier Boulevard, where they drove to a nearby Stop-N-Go market. Darryl and Sims, at the request of Williams, entered the store with the apparent intention of robbing it. Darryl was carrying the .22 pistol that Williams had deposited in the station wagon earlier.
Johnny Garcia, the clerk on duty at the Stop-N-Go at the time, testified that he was just finishing up mopping the floor, and noticed a station wagon, along with four black men standing outside the door of the store. Sims testified that he and Darryl entered the market, after which Sims walked to the back of the store while Darryl approached Garcia and asked for a cigarette. Garcia provided and lit one for him. Sims then \\"walked back from the back ‘cause there was somebody in there and just walked out the door and got back the car with, uh, Blackie. And then we left.\\"
Williams reportedly became very unhappy that Darryl and Sims did not follow through on the plan. He then told the men that they would find another place to rob, and that they would all go inside so he could demonstrate to them how a robbery was done.
The 7-Eleven Murders
Transcripts show that next Coward and Sims followed Williams and Darryl to the 7-Eleven market located at 10437 Whittier Boulevard, in Pico Rivera, California. The store clerk, twenty-six year old Albert Lewis Owens, was sweeping the store parking lot. When Darryl and Sims entered the 7-Eleven, Owens put the broom and dustpan he was using on the hood of his car and followed them into the store. Williams and Coward followed Owens into the store.
Shotgun owned by WilliamsCourt records show that as Darryl and Sims walked to the counter area to take money from the register, Williams walked behind Owens, pulled the sawed-off shotgun from under his jacket and told Owens to “shut up and keep walking.” While pointing the shotgun at Owens’ back, Williams directed him to a back storage room and ordered him to lie down. Coward said that he next heard the sound of a round being chambered into the shotgun. He then heard a shot and glass breaking, followed by two more shots. Records show that Williams shot out a security monitor and then killed Owens, shooting him twice in the back at point blank range as he lay prone on the storage room floor.
Back in L.A.
Williams, Darryl, Coward, and Sims then fled in the two cars and returned home to Los Angeles. They had netted approximately $120 in the robbery. Once back in Los Angeles, Sims asked Williams why he had shot Owens. Williams said that he “didn’t want to leave any witnesses.” Williams also said he killed Owens “because he was white and he was killing all white people.” Coward testified that Williams had bragged about the shooting, stating, “You should have heard the way he sounded when I shot him,” as he made gurgling or growling noises and laughed about Owens’ death.
The Brookhaven Motel murders
The Yang family, husband 76 year old Yen-Yi Yang, and wife sixty-three year old Tsai-Shai Yang, were immigrants from Taiwan. They ran the Brookhaven Motel located at 10411 South Vermont Avenue in South Central Los Angeles along with their daughter, Yee-Chen Lin, and son Robert. Yee-Chen had recently joined them from Taiwan.
According to court transcripts, at approximately 5:00 am on March 11, 1979, Stanley Williams entered the Brookhaven Motel lobby and then broke down the door that led to the private office. Inside the office, Williams shot and killed Yen-Yi, Tsai-Shai, and Yee-Chin, after which he emptied the cash register and fled the scene.
Robert, asleep with his wife in their bedroom at the motel, was awakened by the sound of somebody breaking down the door to the motel’s office. Shortly thereafter he heard a female scream, followed by gunshots. Robert entered the motel office and found that his mother, his sister, and his father had all been shot; the cash register was empty. It was later determined that the Brookhaven incident netted Stanley Williams approximately one hundred dollars.
The forensic pathologist testified that Yen-Yi Yang suffered two close range shotgun wounds, one to his left arm and abdomen, and one to the lower left chest. Tsai-Shai also received two close range wounds, one to the tailbone, and the other to the front of the abdomen, entering at the navel. Yee-Chen Lin was shot once in the upper left face area at a distance of a few feet.
Witnesses testified that Williams referred to the victims in conversations with friends as \\"Buddha-heads\\", a derogatory term for Asians.
Conviction
Stanley Williams was convicted in 1981 of all four murders with special circumstances on each count of felony murder (robbery) as well as multiple murder in the case of the Brookhaven event. The jury also convicted him of robbery in both cases, and found that he personally used a firearm in the commission of the crimes. The jury recommended the death penalty, and the judge accepted the recommendation and sentenced him to death.
From the beginning of his sentence, Williams maintained his innocence regarding the four murders, alleging prosecutorial misconduct, exclusion of exculpatory evidence, ineffective assistance of counsel, biased jury selection, and the misuse of jailhouse and government informants. Williams claimed that the police found \\"not a shred of tangible evidence, no fingerprints, no crime scenes of bloody boot prints. They didn\'t match my boots, nor eyewitnesses. Even the shotgun shells found conveniently at each crime scene didn\'t match the shotgun shells that I owned.\\" However, the prosecution\'s firearms expert, a sheriff\'s deputy, testified during trial that the shotgun shell recovered from the Yang murder crime scene matched test shells from the shotgun owned by Stanley Williams. No second examiner verified his findings. The Defense claims this expert\'s methodology was \\"junk science at best.\\"
Williams\' gun was found in the home of a couple with whom he had been living. According to the District Attorney, the husband was undergoing sentencing for receiving stolen property and tried for extortion. Williams\' lawyers have claimed that the District Attorney quashed a murder investigation in exchange for their testimony. The two shells recovered from the Owens crime scene were consistent with shells fired from this gun, with no exclusionary markings. The shell recovered from the Yang crime scene was conclusively matched to Williams\' weapon \\"to the exclusion of all other firearms.\\"
Critics point to the fact that although he apologized for and renounced gangs and the founding of the Crips, Williams never renounced his gang membership, and allegedly continued to associate with Crips members in prison. When contacted about Williams\' alleged ongoing gang activity, Los Angeles Police Department spokeswoman April Harding said there was no evidence of his gang leadership. Opponents also pointed out that he received a significant amount of money from outside sources. People who appreciate Williams\' work sent him money, \\"It\'s as simple as that,\\" said Williams\' spokeswoman Barbara Becnel.
The prosecution removed three African-Americans from serving as jurors in Williams\' trial. Williams\' lawyers claimed that he was convicted by a jury that had no African-Americans, one Latino, one Filipino-American, and \\"ten Caucasians\\". The District Attorney provided proof, however, in the form of a death certificate and the sworn affidavit of another juror, that juror #12, William James McLurkin, was black. The defense responded that, contrary to the sworn affidavit, McLurkin did not appear black. They maintain that the trial record indicates that none of the lawyers -- and particularly the prosecutor -- thought Mr. McLurkin was black. McLurkin\'s driver license photo and the fact that both he and his mother were born in the Phillipines was presented as additional evidence in a November 2005 petition for clemency. The defense, however, has neither stated whether or not his mother was actually Filipino, nor refuted the evidence that McLurkin was black.
According to the clemency petition, in his closing arguments, Martin described Williams as a \\"Bengal tiger in captivity in a zoo\\" and said that the jury needed to imagine him in his natural \\"habitat\\" which was like \\"going into the back country, into the hinterlands.\\" In a radio interview, Martin stated that the analogy was not meant to be racial, and instead was a metaphor to the fact that Williams appeared in court dressed in business attire much like an animal in a zoo appears more docile than it would be in the wild.
According to Williams\' defense attorneys, in two subsequent cases, District Attorney Robert Martin was censured by the California State Supreme Court for using race as a criterion in jury selection and had two murder convictions overturned on those grounds.
Williams threatens jurors
The Court of Appeals summary of the case Williams stated \\"that various jurors misconstrued as a threat a question that he asked defense counsel at the close of the guilt phase. The trial record shows that after the jurors returned their guilty verdicts, Williams said, “Sons of bitches,” in a voice sufficiently loud that the court reporter included this statement in the trial transcript.\\"
\\"On the day that the jury began its penalty-phase deliberations, an alternate juror reported to the bailiff that some jurors believed that Williams had threatened them. In response to questioning by the trial judge, the alternate juror stated that the jurors sitting in the center of the jury box had told her that after the verdicts were read, Williams looked at the jury and said that he was going to get all of them.\\"
Prison life
Williams mug shot from 2000.As inmate CDC# C29300 [16] Williams spent 6 1/2 years in solitary confinement in the late 1980s for multiple assaults on guards and fellow inmates. The following is a list of Stanley Williams prison record through 1993. According to a classification report found on page 8 of filings by his lawyers during the clemency proceedings, dated August 5, 2004, Williams had no violations since that time. The prison official had observed no gang activity and complimented Williams on his behavior for the last ten years.
On June 30, 1981, just two months after being sentenced, Williams was involved in a violent fight with another inmate. Williams was observed kneeling over the other inmate and striking him in the head with his closed fists. When Williams was ordered to cease fighting, he ignored the order. Only after repeated orders did Williams stop. (P. Exh. 6).
On January 26, 1982, Williams was ordered to lineup for his return to his cell. Williams refused the order and became hostile. The guard then explained the line-up procedure to Williams. Williams responded by saying \\"you\'ll get yours boy, I can do anything now because I know what the gunmen will do…one of these days I\'ll trick you boy.\\" (P. Exh. 7).
On January 28, 1982, Williams had two separate instances where he threw chemical substances at guards. In one of these instances, Williams threw a chemical substance in the eyes and on the face of a guard. As a result of that assault, the guard suffered from chemical burns to these areas and had to be taken to the hospital where he received emergency care. (P. Exh. 8).
On January 29, 1982, Williams again attacked a guard by throwing a chemical substance on him. (P. Exh. 9).
On February 16, 1984, a guard saw Williams bending over another inmate and striking him with his closed fists. In an effort to stop the attack, the guard blew his whistle and drew his weapon. Williams, however, continued to fight. Only after a guard fired a warning shot did Williams stop fighting. (P. Exh. 10).
On June 8, 1984, Williams was observed participating in inappropriate behavior with a female visitor. When the guard advised the female of the prison policies, Williams became verbally hostile and stated, \\"you are looking around too much and that\'s not your job. I have dusted many officers on the street, one more would not make any difference.\\" (P. Exh. 11).
On July 4, 1986, Williams stepped between a guard and another inmate and began to beat up the inmate. The guard ordered Williams to stop but Williams continued with the assault. Eventually, after gun officers responded, Williams stopped the attack. (P. Exh. 12).
On October 10, 1988, Williams was involved in a fight that led to him being stabbed by Tiequon Aundray Cox (aka Lil Fee), a Rolling 60s Crips member, and fellow death row inmate. Prison officials subsequently learned that this stabbing was done in retaliation for a September 22, 1988 stabbing of another inmate ordered by Williams. (P. Exh. 13).
On October 19, 1988, Williams was placed in Administrative Segregation based on his association with the Crips street gang. (P. Exh. 13).
On December 24, 1991, Williams was involved in another fight with an inmate. Once again, despite being ordered to stop, Williams continued with the assault. Eventually, gun officers responded by firing a round near Williams. After the shot was fired, guards gained control over Williams. (P. Exh. 14).
On July 6, 1993, a large fight broke out in the shower area. Williams was one of the combatants. A guard ordered the inmates to stop, but the fight continued. After a warning shot was fired, the fighting stopped. Subsequently, a stabbing instrument (\\"shank\\") made of sharpened plastic was recovered from where the fight had occurred. (P. Exh. 15).
Though the prison guards noted that he still remained a member of the Crips gang, \\"The violations are usually involving batteries on inmates, batteries on staff. But we have also received information that has identified him as an active member of the Crips,\\" Crittendon said.
\\"The particular set is known as the Blue Note Crips, and that information we have received since his arrival here in April 1981 and as recent as June of 2000,\\" Crittendon said.\\"
Anti-gang crusade
After being released from solitary confinement, Williams gained world-wide attention and praise for his work in prison, including the publication of children\'s books advocating non-violence and alternatives to gangs, an autobiography, and \'\'Redemption: The Stan Tookie Williams Story\'\', a Hollywood movie honoring him. Reportedly, Williams\' books have not enjoyed strong sales, though they may have been distributed as donations to schools, children\'s centers, and the like.
In 1997, Williams wrote and posted on his website an apology for his role in creating the Crips. In 2004, he helped broker a peace agreement, called the Tookie Protocol For Peace, for what had been one of the deadliest and most infamous gang wars in the country, between the Bloods and the Crips, in both the state of California and the city of Newark, New Jersey. On the nomination of William A. Harrison, a minister from West Monroe, Louisiana, Williams received a letter from U.S. President George W. Bush commending him for his social activism, one of some 267,000 \\"Call To Service Awards\\" that were sent out.
Nobel Prize nominations
Williams was reportedly nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize every year from 2001 to 2005; nominations came from Mario Fehr, a member of the Swiss Parliament; four times by Notre Dame de Namur University Philosophy and Religion Professor Phil
Gasper; William Keach, a Brown University Professor of English Literature, nominated Williams for the Nobel Prize in Literature.Williams\' critics have argued that these nominations were irrelevant to his case, as anyone can be nominated for the prize by an eligible party; there is no \\"pre-selection\\" process for the nomination.
Challenges to the conviction
Appeals
Williams appealed his conviction in the state courts, and filed a petition in the federal courts for habeas corpus relief. The State courts affirmed the conviction. The lower federal court denied the habeas petition. In 2001, the U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals heard Williams\' appeal from the lower federal court. The appellate court denied Williams\' appeal in 2002, but noted that the federal courts were not his only forum for relief and that he could request clemency from the Governor of California.
Clemency petition and community reaction
In late 2005, a campaign began to urge the Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger, to grant clemency for Williams in consideration of his work as an anti-gang activist and asserted \\"redemption.\\" Thousands of people signed online petitions calling for Schwarzenegger to commute the death sentence. Those who campaigned against the execution included celebrities, politicians, and Nobel laureates. In early November, 2005, Williams\' attorneys filed his formal petition for executive clemency, as well as a motion to obtain new evidence. (See below for the full text of the documents filed in these proceedings.)
The state, through the office of the Los Angeles County District Attorney, opposed the clemency petition. The Los Angeles Police Department, the Los Angeles County District Attorney, and other law enforcement disputed that Williams had in fact reformed, saying that he refused to divulge information on other gang members, or debrief officials on the tactics and communication methods that gangs use. Williams said he didn\'t want to be a \\"snitch.\\"
The clemency petition emphasized the theme of Williams\' redemption, rather than his claim of actual innocence. At least one commentator felt this strategy was flawed: San Francisco Chronicle writer Bob Egelko noted doubts stated by the courts handling the appeals and quoted Austin Sarat, professor of law and politics at Amherst College in Massachusetts and author of \'\'Mercy on Trial,\'\' a book about clemency: \'\'\\"It\'s [actual innocence] about the only ground in which governors grant clemency in the modern period...I know of no case in which a death row inmate has been spared (solely) on the basis of post-conviction rehabilitation.
On December 8, 2005, Governor Schwarzenegger held a clemency hearing. The one-hour, closed-door meeting took place as a crowd consisting of both supporters of Williams and proponents of capital punishment congregated outside the Capitol in Sacramento. Schwarzenegger described the decision whether to grant clemency as \\"the toughest thing when you are governor, dealing with someone\'s life.\\"
While the clemency petition was pending before the governor, Williams also filed further appeals in the courts. On November 30, 2005, the California Supreme Court, in a 4-2 decision, refused to reopen Williams\' case. On December 11, 2005, the California Supreme Court denied Williams\' request for a stay of execution. Supporters of Williams also made another plea directly to Governor Schwarzenegger to stay the execution.
Also during this period, the media, community organizations, and relatives of the victims were speaking out. In mid-November 2005, talk show hosts John and Ken of the John and Ken Show on Clear Channel\'s KFI radio in Los Angeles, California started a \\"Tookie Must Die (For Killing Four Innocent People)\\" hour on their show daily until the execution of Williams. In the hour, they interviewed advocates of both sides of the issue and expressed their support of the impending execution. The recurring segment offended some members of the public, who filed a complaint with the Federal Communications Commission.
On November 29, 2005, the American Civil Liberties Union of Northern California announced that more than 175,000 Californians had signed a petition requesting the temporary suspension of executions in California until the California Commission on the Fair Administration of Justice could complete its study due by December 31, 2007. The “California Moratorium on Executions Act”, A.B.1121, is scheduled to have its first hearing in January 2006. Press conferences and rallies in more than a dozen California cities called for a halt to all executions and asked Governor Schwarzenegger to commute Williams’ death sentence to a sentence of life without parole; demonstrations against the death penalty also took place in numerous cities around the world.
On December 8, 2005, Lora Owens, the stepmother of Albert Owens, one of the victims, made a statement expressing her opinion of Stanley Williams: \\"I think he [Williams] is the same cold-blooded killer that he was then and he would be now if he had the opportunity again.\\" Owens\' two daughters, Rebecca and Andrea, who were 8 and 5 when their father was murdered, also opposed clemency and recalled that they were aghast when they had learned that their father\'s murderer was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize.
By contrast, on December 9, 2005, Linda Owens, Albert Owens\' widow, issued a statement in support of Williams’ efforts to bring an end to gang violence and his call for peace between gangs: \\"I, Linda Owens want to build upon Mr. Williams\' peace initiative. I invite Mr. Williams to join me in sending a message to all communities that we should all unite in peace. This position of peace would honor my husband\'s memory and Mr. Williams work.\\"
The Governor denies clemency
On December 12, 2005, Schwarzenegger denied clemency for Williams. In his denial, Schwarzenegger cited the following:
\\"The possible irregularities in Williams’ trial have been thoroughly and carefully reviewed by the courts, and there is no reason to disturb the judicial decisions that uphold the jury’s decisions that he is guilty of these four murders and should pay with his life.\\"
The basis of his request for clemency is the \\"personal redemption Stanley Williams has experienced and the positive impact of the message he sends,\\" yet \\"it is impossible to separate Williams\' claim of innocence from his claim of redemption.\\"
\\"Cumulatively, the evidence demonstrating Williams is guilty of these murders is strong and compelling\\" … \\"there is no reason to second-guess the jury\'s decision of guilt.\\"
A \\"close look at his post-arrest and post-conviction conduct tells a story different from redemption.\\"
Williams had written books that instruct readers to avoid the gang lifestyle and to stay out of prison. From 1995 he \\"tried to preach a message of gang avoidance and peacemaking\\" … \\"It is hard to assess the effect of such efforts in concrete terms, but the continued pervasiveness of gang violence leads one to question the efficacy of Williams\' message.\\"
\\"The dedication of Williams\' book \'\'Life in Prison\'\' casts significant doubt on his personal redemption and… the mix of individuals on [the dedication] list is curious\\" … \\"but the inclusion of George Jackson on the list defies reason and is a significant indicator that Williams is not reformed.\\"
\\"Is Williams’ redemption complete and sincere, or is it just a hollow promise? Stanley Williams insists he is innocent, and that he will not and should not apologize or otherwise atone for the murders of the four victims in this case. Without an apology and atonement for these senseless and brutal killings there can be no redemption. In this case, the one thing that would be the clearest indication of complete remorse and full redemption is the one thing Williams will not do.\\"
Schwarzenegger summarized by basing his denial of clemency on the \\"totality of circumstances.\\" (Summary – Details in PDF format)
Last legal maneuvers to save Williams
That same day, Jonathan Harris, a New York counsel with Curtis, Mallet-Prevost, Colt & Mosle LLP, filed a response, summarizing new evidence of innocence.
It included reference to an affidavit by Gordon Bradbury Von Ellerman attesting to belief in Williams\' innocence and dated December 10 states that he called the NAACP on December 8 after reading that date in the Daily Breeze that his cellmate, George Oglesby, had testified against Williams. He states that he had observed his cellmate George Oglesby receive police reports on Williams and others from the Sheriff\'s department. Mr. Oglesby told Von Ellerman that he was using the documents to testify against Williams and others \\"to obtain a reduction or eliminate charges against him.\\" Von Ellerman also observed Oglesby copying from samples of Williams\' handwriting \\"to create incriminating documents that would appear to be written by Mr. Williams.\\"
Prosecutors had cited handwritten notes written by Mr. Williams about an escape plan which involved the killing of a bus driver and another accomplice.
Execution
After exhausting all forms of appeal, Williams was executed by lethal injection at San Quentin State Prison, California, on December 13, 2005. Newsweek reported thousands of protesters outside, most asking for clemency. He was the 12th person executed by the state since California reinstated the death penalty in 1977.
After Williams was declared dead at 12:35 a.m. PST (08:35 UTC), several reporters who witnessed the execution held a news conference. Their description is as follows:
An unnamed reporter at the execution said that Williams showed no resistance, neither when he came into the chamber shortly after midnight, nor after he was strapped onto the gurney.
Added Contra Costa Times reporter John Simerman, \\"They had some trouble with the second I.V., which was in the left arm… Williams, at one point, grimaced or looked almost out of frustration… at the difficulty there…. He had his glasses on the whole time. He kept them on, and he kept looking…\\"
A reporter for the San Francisco Chronicle, Kevin Fagan said, \\"This is the sixth one I have seen here at San Quentin, and I have to say this was very different. The most notable thing was that Williams had supporters at the back of the room… Ms. Becnel was among them, I understand. We could see them, and throughout the last part of the execution -- or preparing him when he was still conscious, they gave what looked like black power salutes several times to him, one man and two women.. And most strikingly at the end of the execution, as those three were heading out, they yelled, “The State of California just killed an innocent man!” which is the first time I ever heard any outburst in the death chamber there.\\"
Fagan later wrote a detailed description of the execution.
Witnesses described a somber mood in the execution chamber. Williams apparently exchanged many glances with his supporters. He talked with his guards throughout the process. Members of Albert Owens\' family who witnessed the execution were described as stony-faced. Lora Owens appeared very upset, according to MSNBC anchor Rita Cosby.
Adam Housley, a reporter for Fox News, described the experience as \\"choreographed\\", \\"sterile\\", and \\"clinical\\".
Williams requested no last meal and drank only milk and oatmeal throughout the day. He provided no last words, at the time of his execution, to the prison warden.
In an interview with Pacifica news hours before the execution, however, he had this to say: “[M]y lack of fear of this barbaric methodology of death, I rely upon my faith. It has nothing to do with machismo, with manhood, or with some pseudo former gang street code. This is pure faith, and predicated on my redemption. So, therefore, I just stand strong and continue to tell you, your audience and the world that I am innocent and, yes, I have been a wretched person, but I have redeemed myself. And I say to you and all those who can listen and will listen that redemption is tailor-made for the wretched, and that\'s what I used to be….That\'s what I would like the world to remember me. That\'s how I would like my legacy to be remembered as: a redemptive transition, something that I believe is not exclusive just for the so-called sanctimonious, the elitists. And it doesn\'t -- is not predicated on color or race or social stratum or one\'s religious background. It\'s accessible for everybody. That\'s the beauty about it. And whether others choose to believe that I have redeemed myself or not, I worry not, because I know and God knows, and you can believe that all of the youths that I continue to help, they know, too. So with that, I am grateful….I say to you and everyone else, God bless. So take care.”
Aftermath
Williams’ spokeswoman and co-author, Barbara Becnel, has said she is \\"now on a mission. That mission is one: to obtain justice for Stanley Tookie Williams by proving beyond a shadow of a doubt his innocence, (and) continuing to preserve the incredibly remarkable legacy of this man who personifies redemption.\\" She will also work to defeat Governor Schwarzenegger, who refused clemency, in the next election.
An archived copy of a Maura Dolan\'s Los Angeles Times November 29 article on the history of Becnel\'s efforts on behalf of Williams can be found here. It may be hard to clear Williams\' name. As noted above, his numerous appeals were all denied.
Williams will be cremated and his ashes will be sent to South Africa for scattering. Becnel has made arrangements to receive Williams\' body and will be holding a funeral at a church in Los Angeles. Becnel said that the funeral would be on the scale of Rosa Parks\' recent funeral.
Stanley Tookie Williams Ashes Are Going To South Africa
Arrangements are currently being made for the remains of recently executed Crips founder Stanley "Tookie" Willams. A large public funeral has been planned for early next week in Los Angeles, then Williams' ashes will be scattered in South Africa, as he had previously requested.
According to Barbara Becnel, co-author of Williams' anti-gang books, Williams wanted his ashes to be scattered in Africa.
"He wanted to return to his ancestral home," Becnel told the San Francisco Chronicle.
In one of his books, Tookie expressed a wish for his remains, stating: "I want to be buried in South Africa under a yohirimbi tree or my ashes scattered in the Blue Nile River to feed the fish there."
Becnel said she would probably arrange a meeting with former South Africa President Nelson Mandela to carry out the wish.
Mandela's former wife, Winnie Madikizela-Mandela, on Wednesday offered to help fulfill his final wish. A spokesman for Madikizela-Mandela told the Afrikaans Daily Beeld that she will "honor her promise to see that Williams is buried in South Africa."
His ex-wife, Bonnie Williams Taylor, said in a telephone interview that Williams had been "very impressed" with Madikizela-Mandela when he met her in 1996.
"She had an enormous influence on his life and it is his wish to be laid to rest there," she said.
Williams was sentenced to the death penalty in 1981 after being convicted for four brutal 1979 murders. After being jailed in San Quentin, Williams was nominated for the Nobel Prize several times after penning a series of anti-gang books for children. Throughout his imprisonment Williams continued to maintain his innocence and the NAACP, Jesse Jackson, Danny Glover, Jamie Foxx, Russell Simmons's HSAN and Snoop Dogg were all among supporters rallying for clemency for Williams.
Williams, 51, was executed Tuesday December 13th at 12:36 PST, after courts and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger refused pleas for clemency. .
Schwarzenegger's decision to deny clemency has been greatly criticized by his native Austria, and most of Europe, particularly since capital punishment has been outlawed by the 25 member European Union. Even while conservative Austrians supported the governor's decision to carry out the rules of the American justice system, the Vatican also strongly opposed the execution, with a top aide to Pope Benedict XVI condemning it as dictated by the Holy See's opposition to the death penalty. Cardinal Renato Martino, head of the Vatican's justice and peace department, said capital punishment was "the negation of human dignity."
As the state is poised to perform a record number of executions in 2006, five California Democrats have proposed legislation that would place a moratorium on executions until a special commission finishes examining whether California's criminal justice system allows innocent people to be convicted. Its hearing was scheduled long before Tookie's lethal injection on Tuesday.
Tookie's body, meanwhile, is in the care of Becnel, who told the Los Angeles Times that a major public memorial service for Williams will likely be held Tuesday in L.A. She anticipates it will be on the scale of the funerals for Rosa Parks, with 16,000 people projected to attend. Confirmed speakers include Jesse Jackson and Snoop Dogg. After the funeral, close friends will accompany the ashes to South Africa for another ceremony. Continue reading

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.” Continue reading

There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says “Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him.” As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller) Continue reading

I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. (Chris Rock) Continue reading

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?” Continue reading

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.” Continue reading

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says “Don’t forget the coffee!” Continue reading

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. “Douchebag!” the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. “Your father just said a bad word,” he says. “I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?” His son looks at him and says: “Too late, douchebag.” Continue reading

AQUARIUS - 21 January - 19 February
The Scientist of the Zodiac, Aquarius is ruled by URANUS, and its symbol is the WATER-BEARER. Its natural place is the ELEVENTH HOUSE, the house of Friendships and Experimentation. Revolutionary Aquarius is an AIR sign, idealistic and inventive. Aquarius often moodswings, optimistically reforming the social structure one minute, then despondent at the impossibility of perfect happiness the next.
Aquarius is the sign of brotherhood and freedom, and honesty and sincerity are important to those born under it. As an Aquarian, unjustified conventions do not impress you, and you sometimes make a point of being different, most likely in subtle ways.
In relationships you might just attach yourself to your first love, and have problems letting go should the relationship turn sour. While you are involved with a partner, you are constant and faithful, but don't let this steadiness fool you: you are highly sexed and like an active sex life. This might not run the usual course, either, as you like to try new things in bed.
You derive your comfort from the company of others. As a friend, few can boast to be as loyal and sympathetic as you are, but you can be blind to your own needs sometimes. And although you are easy to befriend, you can be difficult to get to know. Despite this, you love meeting new people and making new friends, and as a result, you are rarely lonely. Most people see you as a bit eccentric, rather determined, and very stubborn. You are far more intellectual than physical, and you tend to relate to people on a mental level. However, no one should doubt how important your friendships are to you.
Even though you love natural beauties, you can crave material belongings, though you are by no means greedy. You take work very seriously since it is you source of income for these goodies and, because of your enjoyment of people, you work best as part of a group. Though you present a calm exterior to the world, this is often deceptive, as you are often anxious and apprehensive because of the seriousness with which you view your relationships with others. Continue reading

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.” Continue reading

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Saul, sell your business.” He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Saul, sell your business for $3 million.” After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas.” He asks why. “Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.” He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, “Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.” He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. “Saul, take a card.” What? The dealer has — “Take a card!” He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. “Saul, take another card.” What? “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. “Saul, take another card,” the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: “un-fucking-believable!” Continue reading

Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He goes: “Not in a row!” (Steven Wright) Continue reading

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. “I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast,” he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. “Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me,” he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. “I don’t know,” he says meekly, “but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast.”
My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; watch your health.” So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)
Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He goes: “Not in a row!” (Steven Wright)
Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Saul, sell your business.” He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Saul, sell your business for $3 million.” After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas.” He asks why. “Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.” He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, “Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.” He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. “Saul, take a card.” What? The dealer has — “Take a card!” He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. “Saul, take another card.” What? “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. “Saul, take another card,” the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: “un-fucking-believable!”
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say. “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said. “No. I hate myself now.” (Rodney Dangerfield)
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, “please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back.” And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: “He had a hat!” (Myron Cohen)
Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. “Here’s that $20 I owe you,” he says.
I went to my doctor and told him “my penis is burning.” He said, “That means somebody is talking about it.” (Garry Shandling)
A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, “Are you comfortable?” The guy says: “I make a good living.” (Henny Youngman)
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. “Are you gonna play golf?” he asks “Or are you just gonna fuck around?”
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”
At a White House party, a woman approached Calvin Coolidge, famed for his silence, and said “Mr. President, I made a bet I can get more than two words out of you.” He replied: “You lose.”
L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait. (Bill Maher)
I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out. (Rodney Dangerfield)
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother’s crazy, he thinks he’s a chicken.” The doctor says, “Why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “We would. But we need the eggs.”
I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I’d go to confession, I’d say “Bless me, father, for I have sinned — and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen.” (Bill Maher)
A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says “no, let me see the next room.” In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, “O.K., coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!”
Jack Benny is walking down the street, when a stick-up man pulls out a gun and says “Your money or your life!” An extremely long silence follows. “Your money or your life!” the thug repeats. Finally Benny says “I’m thinking!”
A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident. “Douchebag!” the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. “Your father just said a bad word,” he says. “I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it. Is that clear?” His son looks at him and says: “Too late, douchebag.”
On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob.” All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says “Don’t forget the coffee!”
I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother. (Henny Youngman)
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.” “I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”
TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem. (Jerry Seinfeld)
A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scount. “This dog can speak English,” he claims to the unimpressed agent. “Okay, Sport,” the guys says to the dog, “what’s on the top of a house?” “Roof!” the dog replies. “Oh, come on…” the talent agent responds. “All dogs go ‘roof’.” “No, wait,” the guy says. He asks the dog “what does sandpaper feel like?” “Rough!” the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. “No, hang on,” the guy says. “This one will amaze you. ” He turns and asks the dog: “Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” goes the dog. And the talent scount, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says “Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?”
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells “You should have been here at 8:30!” he replies: “Why? What happened at 8:30?”
When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter. (Emo Philips)
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, “Sir, you are drunk.” Churchill replies, “Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober.”
I was born a suspect. I can walk down any street in America and women will clutch their purses tighter, hold onto their Mace, lock their car doors. If I look up into the windows of the apartments I pass I can see old ladies on the phone. They’ve already dialed 9-1- and are just waiting for me to do something wrong. (Chris Rock)
I worked some gigs in the Deep South…Alabama…You talk about Darwin’s waiting room. There are guys in Alabama who are their own father. (Dennis Miller)
In football you wear a helmet; in baseball you wear a cap. Football is concerned with downs; baseball is concerned with ups. In football you receive a penalty; in baseball you make an error. In football the specialist comes in to kick; in baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody. (George Carlin)
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty six hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours. (Rita Rudner)
A guy has a parrot that can sing and speak beautifully. He takes it to the synagogue on Rosh Hashonah and makes a wager that the bird can conduct the High Holiday service better than the temple’s cantor. When the big moment comes, though, the parrot is silent. The guy is outraged. He takes the bird home and is about to kill it when the bird finally speaks: “Schmuck! Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!”
At the airport they asked me if anybody I didn’t know gave me anything. Even the people I know don’t give me anything. (George Wallace)
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future. (Richard Jeni)
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea. If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. (Abraham Lincoln)
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. (Jon Stewart)
This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures. (Richard Lewis)
There’s always one of my uncles who watches a boxing match with me and says “Sure. Ten million dollars. You know, for that kind of money, I’d fight him.” As if someone is going to pay $200 a ticket to see a 57-year-old carpet salesman get hit in the face once and cry. (Larry Miller)
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”
I was thrown out of NYU. On my metaphysics final, they caught me cheating. I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me. (Woody Allen)
I know a guy who called up the Home Shopping Network. They said “Can I help you?” and he said “No, I’m just looking.” (George Miller)
Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig. They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. “Number 37!” cracks the first comic, and the others break up. “”Number 53!” says the second guy, and they howl. Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. “44!” he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. “What?” he asks, “Isn’t 44 funny?” “Sure, it’s usually hilarious,” they answer. “But the way you tell it…”
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. “Father O’Malley,” he says, “my name is Emil Cohen. I’m seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I’m currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I’ve never felt better.” “My good man,” says the priest, “I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?” And the guy goes: “I’m telling everybody!”
Contrary to what most people would say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see. (Jack Handey)
The only thing I know about Africa is that it’s far, far away. About a thirty-five hour flight. The boat ride’s so long, there are still slaves on their way here. (Chris Rock)
Last year, I deducted 10, 697 cartons of cigarettes as a business expense. The tax man said, “Don’t ever let us catch you without a cigarette in your hand.” (Dick Gregory)
Animals may be our friends. But they won’t pick you up at the airport. (Bobcat Goldthwait)
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. “So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?” Sid asks. ‘Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day.” “Oh, my god,” says Sid “So that’s what heaven is like?” “Oh no,” says Irv. “I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.”
I knew these Siamese twins. They moved to England, so the other one could drive. (Steven Wright)
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. (W.C. Fields)
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said “Stop! Don’t do it!” “Why shouldn’t I?” he said. “Well, there’s so much to live for!” “Like what?” “Well… are you religious?” He said yes. I said, “Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?” “Christian.” “Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? “Protestant.” “Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?” “Baptist” “Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?” “Baptist Church of God!” “Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?” “Reformed Baptist Church of God!” “Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?” He said, “Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!” I said, “Die, heretic scum”, and pushed him off. (Emo Philips)
Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, “You know, the food here is just terrible.” The other shakes her head and adds, “And such small portions.” (Woody Allen)
A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. “Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?” (Henny Youngman)
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink or do drugs. Because someday they’re going to be in a hospital bed, dying, and they won’t know why. (Redd Foxx)
I failed my driver’s test. The guy asked me “what do you do at a red light?” I said, I don’t know… look around, listen to the radio… (Bill Braudis).
China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you. (A. Whitney Brown)
Last time I was down South, I was in a restaurant and ordered some chicken, and these three cousins, you know the ones I mean, Klu, Kluck and Klan, come up and say “Boy, we’re givin’ you fair warnin’. Anything you do to that chicken, we’re gonna do to you.” So I put down my knife and fork, and I picked up that chicken, and I kissed it. (Dick Gregory)
If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts. (Steven Wright)
A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, “Peace in the Middle east, that’s my wish.” The genie looks concerned, then says “No, I’m sorry, that’s just not possible. Some things just can’t be changed. Do you have another wish?” The guys says ‘Well…for my whole life I’ve never receievd oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish.” The genie pauses for another moment and then says “How would you define peace?”
Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, theyd’ say “Thank you.” That graduated into “Have a nice day.” That’s now escalated into “You care care of yourself, now.” The other day I paid my check – the waiter said, “Don’t put off that mammogram.” (Rita Rudner)
A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven. “There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.” “Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.” “How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks. Answers St. Peter: “We added up your time sheets.”
Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said “Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?” (Gilbert Gottfried)
An old woman is upset at her husband’s funeral. “You have him in a brown suit and I wanted him in a blue suit” The mortician says “We’ll take care of it, ma’am” and yells back ‘”Ed, switch the heads on two and four!”
We had a depression fair in the back yard. A major game there was Pin the Blame on the Donkey. (Richard Lewis)
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was that?!” (Jack Handey)
New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move. (David Letterman)
Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. (Ellen Degeneres)
I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse. (Dennis Miller)
Two ministers doing missionary work in the South Seas are captured by a tribe and tied to stakes. The chief says to them, “You have a choice – death, or ugga bugga.” The first guy says, “Well, I guess ugga bugga.” The chief shouts “UGGA BUGGA!” and 30 members of the tribe attack and sodomize the first missionary. The chief then asks the second minister, “Now you have a choice, death or ugga bugga.” He says “well, my religion does not allow me to choose ugga bugga, so I suppose it must be death.” The chief says, “Very well,” and shouts “DEATH. But first, UGGA BUGGA!
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and asks ‘Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again. (David Brenner).
These impossible women! How do they get around us! The poet was right: can’t live with them, or without them! (Aristophanes)
I went to the psychiatrist, and he says “You’re crazy ” I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you’re ugly too!” (Rodney Dangerfield)
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town’s only doctor, who is delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. ‘But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy ruins back to his friend, who is in agony. ‘What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. “He says you’re gonna die.”
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves. (Johnny Carson)
Take my wife…please (Henny Youngman)
A guy asks a lawyer what his fee is. “I charge $50 for three questions,” the lawyer says. “That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?” the guy asks. “Yes,” the lawyer replies, “Now what’s your final question?”
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other — so now it’s just a waiting game. (Bill Dwyer)
I can’t think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead. (Laura Kightlinger)
Mario Andretti has retired from race car driving. That’s a good thing. He’s getting old. He ran his entire last race with his left blinker on. (Jon Stewart)
My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that. Can you imagine? Two dinners! (Sarah Silverman)
I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world (Steven Wright)
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?”
Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made. (George Burns)
After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, “No hablo ingles.” (Ronnie Shakes)
Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he’s snagged an old bottle. As he’s taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. “Turn the lake into beer,” he says. The genie goes “Poof!” and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, “So what do you think?” The other guy says, “You jerk. Now we’ve got to piss in the boat.”
My grandfather is hard of hearing. He needs to read lips. I don’t mind him reading lips, but he uses one of those yellow highlighters. (Brian Kiley)
I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for member. (Groucho Marx)
A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I wired my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?” “Well,” says the psychiatrist. “Maybe she didn’t get your telegram.”
They say animal behavior can warm you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona (Bob Hope/Gene Perret)
A Catholic teenager goes to confession, and after confessing to an affair with a girl is told by the priest that he can’t be forgiven unless he reveals who the girl is. “I promised not to tell!” he says. “Was it Mary Patricia, the butcher’s daughter?” the preist asks. “No, and I said I wouldn’t tell.” “Was it Mary Elizabeth, the printer’s daughter?” “No, and I still won’t tell!” ‘Was it Mary Francis, the baker’s daughter?” “No,” says the boy. ‘Well, son,” says the priest, “I have no choice but to excommunicate you for six months.” Outside, the boy’s friends ask what happened. “Well,” he says, “I got six months, but three good leads.”
I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked “Do you have any firearms with you?” I said: “What do you need?’ (Steven Wright)
A comedian is sitting at the bar of a comedy club late one night when a beautiuful woman comes up to him and says “I saw you perform tonight, and you’re the funniest guy I’ve ever seen. I want to take you home and give you the hottest night of sex you’re ever had.” The comedian looks at her and says, “Did you see the first show or the second show?”
The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him. (Paula Poundstone)
Bob: “Emily, aren’t you afraid of death?” Emily: “I just think of it as a part of life.” Bob: “Yeah. The last part.” (Bob Newhart show/Sy Rosen)
I believe Dr. Kevorkian is onto something. I think he’s great. Because suicide is our way of saying to God, “You can’t fire me. I quit.” (Bill Maher)
My father heard the story of the Menendez brothers. He quit playing the lottery. He said ‘Screw it, I’ve got twelve kids. Any one of them could snap.” (Paul Rodriguez)
I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it “Do not eat if seal is broken.” So I opened up the box, and sure enough… (Brian Kiley)
I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright) Continue reading