Mike Ryan claims he's fixed it up quite a bit based on the notes I gavehim (though I haven't read this yet).

Anyway, give the outline a read and see if you think it approved at all.Also, if you still despise it, see if you have any suggestions on how tofix it up. I know you had objected to the BS&P ridiculousness of someof lack of real handguns, but keep in mind that we have alreadyestablished in the series that there was lots of alien ordinance thatgot into the hands of thugs and gangs (the anti-alien terrorists inH.A.T.E., the Purple Dragons, the thugs who come after Casey's cousinSid to name a few).

Also, I would very much love to see another Nobody appearance, so I'mreluctant to chuck the whole enchilada!

Lemme know your thoughts!

Thanks,

Lloyd>>

Lloyd,

The new draft is actually pretty good (kudos to the writer), and I don't have any comments on it except to say that it is VASTLY improved from the previous one. Oh, and maybe that we emphasize that the laser weapons these punks have gotten from the Purple Dragons really ARE out of their league, and they should not be seen as being as capable as Hun and the PD's at using this kind of techy ordnance.

My strong objection to what I think I called the "peculiar idiocy" of the BS&P stuff in that previous draft really came from what I saw as a REALLY over the top example of how crazy this BS&P stuff can get -- I mean, here we have some stupid punks who want to scare an old guy... and they're going after him with LASER GUNS??!!

In any event, the new draft is something that I think I can live with. I look forward to seeing it in outline form.

"RAPTARRWhat of the memory crystal?Blank stares from the turtles.ON – RAPTARR moves towards a wall. He runs his fingers along some different Y’Lyntian designs …RAPTARRLet us see … here …… as Raptarr’s hand passes over some of the designs they start to GLOW and <HUM> slightly and then …WIDER ON ROOM – A part of the ceiling over the pool starts to GLOW and <HUM> and…CLOSER UP ANGLE ON – The GLOWING PART of the ceiling <DISCONNECTS> and lowers directly down (towards CAMERA) and …WIDER AS – A large <GLOWING> crystal lowers out of the ceiling over the pool. Around its base, several smaller crystals project/jut out.RAPTARR flies over and looks at them … he runs a hand along the crystals.RAPTARRPerfect. These will do."

I like this bit, with the implication that Raptarr, with his Avian/Y'Lyntian heritage, knows more about the crystals -- and, in this instance, the lair -- than the Turtles do. But the fact that there is NO reaction from the Turtles to this move on Raptarr's part is kind of strange. I would think that a "Whoa!" or "How'd you do that?" from one or more of them would be appropriate. In fact, Don might say something like "I thought I searched (or scanned) the whole lair from top to bottom for crystals... how -- ?" And Raptarr could give a little shrug and say something like "It's... an Avian (or Y'Lyntian) thing."

2.) Re: the following:

"MEPHOSExcellent. I am getting the hang of this. Now, to destroy one of the surface crawler’s cities … let’s say Beijing."

Two things -- "getting the hang of this" (aside from being somewhat superfluous) seems like too slangy a phrase for Mephos... and do we have something against Beijing?! Didn't we torture that poor city enough in the Triceraton invasion arc? Maybe we should pick another city.

3.) Re: the following:

"CLOSE ON MEPHOS – He slowly raises his head, looks around and screams when he realizes… PULL BACK.MEPHOSNooooooooooooooooo!…his wings are still welded the section of the decorative chamber wall that has been cut out and propped up against the cell wall. His arms and legs are also shackled to the section of wall. "

It's astonishing to me that this ludicrous bit has survived through so many drafts. Please, per my earlier comments/suggestions, change or remove it. I think it would be enough that Mephos lose his wings again for him to be horrified by his fate.

4.) Much improved, overall, though there are a few things to (easily) tweak still.

1 comment:

Wow... So THAT'S why the random city destroying bit seemed so... random. It's so remote and un interesting a target my first thought was 'Why did they choose Seattle??' Oh well, at least it was more original than NY.. ;o)