Friday, February 22, 2013

Tell me something true about myself. Seek me out where I hide. I have slipped silent, climbing to cornerless rooms, echoes chasing and laughing through the shadow, the only thing to reach me. Reflections of sound and life in a dim glass. There I stay, convinced of contentment by a fear so deep it curls up and rests in my soul. There I stay, blind in my tower of glass, weaving shadows and shades pale and flat. The curl of the strings Those Three hold remind me why I musn't turn my head. And all I have is the steady rhythm, the back and forth, the beating heart. My hands fly and back again, moving on the steady rhythm, and through the day and through the night I know the steady truth. I musn't turn my head. The glass is dim and dimmer still and still I hear the echoes. Seek me out where I hide; Those Three are are scrict yet blind. The mirror dims and echoes fade, my eyes are straining for a glimpse, and I am granted distant sound of sunlight shining as he rides. He will never know me. I have waited so long in this cornerless room to slip silent from the strings of Three and chase echoes through the shadow. I musn't turn my head. But I do. Though you never knew me, tell me something true about myself.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Clutter doesn't always mean those week old dishes and scraps of paper collecting dust where they fell and dollar store cow figurines on the bedside table. A mind can be cluttered too.

It usually starts with just one idea, one harmless idea you picked up somewhere. Maybe it's something that worries you, and you worry the edges smooth and dull the shine. You may toss this idea in a corner for later, where it sits almost forgotten. Pretty soon, you come across a new idea. Maybe it is a quirky looking philosophy you learned in class, and it has invitingly colorful buttons and knobs. You know you don't need it... but then you think of that old, knobby, worn down idea sitting lonely in the corner and you think it couldn't hurt to have something new. And before you know it, any shiny ideas you may have left are buried in the hubbub: a loud mish mashed mess of crazy moth eaten thoughts, piled haphazardly in corners and occasionally tumbling from your mouth.

This unpredictability makes you popular with children, of course, while adults may look at you askance.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

It crawls around, soft prick of claws, a raindrop scatter of cold despair. It crawls around heavy, weighing down the air, intrinsic pressure, heartbeat quickens. When it finds you, you accept it; yes, you should feel this, it's only right. When it finds you, it finds you at the core, fills the void in the eye, between images of the thing you don't understand. Images flash and fade and falter, filling vacancy... so you accept it; yes, you should feel this, it's only right. Because you feel nothing else. It crawls a raindrop scatter through you until it finds you and the heartbeat quickens. Dull pain, cold pain. Sharp at your core, and it spreads. The thing you don't understand spins around and you see it at all sides and it makes you dizzy. It fades and drops but lingers still, still and cold in your core where it found you, spinning lazy dizzy circles, flashing and flaring because you still don't understand. Until you know and see, worry crawls with a soft prick of claws.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

When I was a child, I was often confused about what was not
to be done, and why. My older sister just told me these things were the
unspoken rules of society, and I would figure them out.

I used to think that the Unspoken Rules were probably
written down somewhere, on a big plaque with a gilded frame, maybe on a wall in
city hall, which was an impressive building. Or maybe there was only one copy
of the Unspoken Rules, and it was at the White House, or etched into the wall
of the Grand Canyon. When I had learned to read, I would be sent there. “The
Unspoken Rules, please,” I would whisper to a security guard, and he would
point at the wall, silently. There would be all the things I ever wanted to
know, and I would finally feel like I know how to be a person.

Well. I learned to read. I politely reminded my mother of
the fact several times, but she just told me she was proud of me, but no, I
still could not have a pet pony. I didn’t want a pet pony; all I ever wanted
was to be sent to where the Rules were.

Some time after learning to read, I had given up on the
Unspoken Rules. Maybe only certain people were allowed to see them, like the
president and talk show hosts. I watched TV with a careful and jealous eye.
“Those people know what they’re doing,” I would observe, “They don’t stumble or
say the wrong thing, they are gorgeous, they have people who like them… yes,
those people have seen the Rules.”

One day I asked my sister a question. “It’s just one of the
Unspoken Rules of Life,” she dropped casually, “You’ll understand when you’re
older.”

Maybe that was it, then. Maybe the Unspoken Rules were
innate, and came to you slowly as you grew. Maybe they weren’t written down at
all. Maybe I was just supposed to figure them out.

I figured that once I was into my teenage years, I would
wake up one day with a list in my head, telling me what I should and shouldn’t
be doing, and I would finally be good at being human. I would no longer feel
like an inept puppet master, trying to pull the strings and make my body do and
say the right thing, with no idea which string goes where or how hard to pull,
and handicapped in the process by a blindfold and a broken finger.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Every year the bells tolled. Every year on the
same day, the height of summer, when crops were just beginning to ripen
under waves of heat that rolled across the fields. Through the tiny villages and hamlets, through the thatched roofs of cottages, the sound curling around the bedposts of children as they dreamt of
what the booming toll could portend. The hollow tolling reached the town,
echoing off stone walls and illuminating quiet corners of courtyard and castle.
It was invasive. It took hold of the mind. Every dream of every
dreamer was the sound of bells, calling out, reaching, seeking the one who could end the curse. The knights
tossed and turned in their bunks as the sound of the bells posed an uncomfortable question. It pulled at their courage with every note,
ebbing and flowing like a current of sound in the sea of dark. Every prince in
every tiny kingdom was overwhelmed by the feeling. And, as always, a group of deep-hooded scholars sat awake in the citadel, wondering. What does it mean? What sorcery controls this madness and to what
end? And, most importantly, who can make the bells stop?

Saturday, February 2, 2013

The room is broken but I can't get out.
My head won't tell the time about
the story I'm supposed to live,
the meaning I'm supposed to give.
I am here and I am there
but I don't think I'm anywhere.
I sink my eyes beneath the sound--
a song of empty all around.

And I am not haunted.

My words are whispers when I shout.
I am broken but I can't get out.
My past does not exist in books.
I wonder how my future looks.
I tread a path into the air.
Climbing stairs no longer there.
Humming with a hint of breath
the song that carried me to death.

And I am not haunted.

Time holds tight but cannot love
the flimsy hope my form is of.
And the thing that haunts me most
is that I am the ghost.