Friday, September 11, 2009

Early morning post

I usually never write first thing in the morning. But I have a few minutes, it's quiet, my head is somewhat clear before the irritants and brightness of the day creep in, what the hell.

With all the Ask The Hixxing going on and intermittant posts, there hasn't been much about what's going on in my life, in our lives and I just think it's important to get this stuff out.

We still struggle, there's no doubt. There are big highs and lows that still follow our mutual lay offs from last year. I have my part time job, tours and now my social media job and I really dig the "gig" economy. Going from one thing to the other like that really floats my boat, I love it. It keeps me from getting bored, it keeps me learning, it keeps me on my bike...

John has done some freelancing and has had some promising promises made, but nothing solid yet. That can be hard. He's in a place of limbo right now and it's difficult to move forward when you're waiting.

We struggle with money every.single.day. There hasn't been one day since last October that we don't think about it, talk about it, fight about it or laugh about it. It's importance in this house is staggering. Its money money money all the time. And the more I try and move away from it, to try to put it's importance into some kind of reasonable place, the more important it becomes.

I'm tired of fighting with it, oh so tired. I'm tired of worrying about it. I'm tired of feeling ashamed we don't have more, I'm tired of feeling powerless in my own household.

So the last time I decided to work from a position of power, it worked. I'm going to try it again. I will not let money beat me down, hell, money doesn't win anything from winning over me, I'm the only one fighting here, money doesn't give a goddamn whether I fight it or not. I must continue to remember my own advice, that money is just a tool, a thing to pay bills. No more, no less. The universe is not fighting me here, I'm fighting the universe and I'm losing.