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The Stack of Books & The Toothless Grin

The past few weeks have been flying by-at a snails’ pace, if that makes any sense. When I look at my baby grow so quickly, I just can’t believe my eyes. Every day there is something new that he does. Today he lifted both of his legs together, way up high. (It looked like an ab workout, that I should definitely be partaking in.) And weeks later, I still can’t believe that I am a mom. I had this preconceived notion of what it would be like and I was wrong, in the best way, life has changed completely. (And worst, I miss sleeping a little, lol) He runs the show and has taught me patience and a new found love that grows a little more each day, especially when he smiles. It’s a genuine smile, beautiful, full of life, eyes-sparkling and a pure love behind them. We had a full conversation the other day, full of cooing. How can you ever anticipate that? And all I keep thinking to myself is, “How can I make you a better person?” And, “Why did you choose me to be your mom?” “Am I doing this right?” So much self-doubt fills my mind, like never before. And questions…there are so many… I just want to read every book out there to guide me in the right direction; resulting in a stack of books sitting on the end table. I attempted to read them, while I am feeding him and I’m so disorganized about it; trying to read, more like skim through a few at once, the pages flapping all over the place, while he stares at me. A minimum of three surrounding me at once; this island of open books surrounding me. And then I realized this isn’t important, this meaning, reading about teething, pureeing sweet potatoes or discipling methods before their time. I’m missing out on the present moment and I’m sure nothing will prepare me for what will be or I will have forgotten what I have read in my sleepy state anyway. When the time comes, I will know what to do. We are in this together and more than ever, NOW is important. So, I put away the books, looked into his sparkling eyes and smiled at him and he gave me the most beautiful toothless grin I have ever seen. Now, more then ever, the moment to enjoy is the present. The stack of books can wait for now.