My gambling recovery diary

I have been gambling for around two years. Started with bingo, moved on to slots.

I have wasted thousands.

I am not in debt (yet) however I have joined these forums for three main reasons:

1.) I've lost £500 tonight on slots and i genuinely just feel a bit numb. I am not even that bothered. I have just spent my entire savings on slots. This just is not normal. I have £250 left and plan on withdrawing this first thing (having money in a savings account I can access is leathal for me)

2.) Money seems to have no real meaning to me when I gamble. I gamble to chase those elusive jackpot and big wins.

3.) I really need a place to speak daily and record my journey as I give up gambling for good. I've tried half assed measures by myself but having support is what I need right now. I am so determind to start 2018 gamble free. I think posting my gamble free days in this diary will help as will the support of others going through this horrible addiction.

I hope you will all stick around for the ride and look through this diary often. I want to be as active as I can be on this forum- as I gamble exclusively on my phone I am hoping coming here will help with the temptation.

Hi Lisa bee it's a great start to recognise a problem. I'm wife of cg and have seen the other side. I would encourage you to tell someone close to you. Maybe someone could help monitor or control your finances. Support is often very helpful, doing this alone will be very hard for you. Call gamcare and get some advice. Also don't underestimate the power of addiction. Put as many blocks in your way. There are apps that block gambling sites you can download to your phone. Self exclusion. If you really want to stop you will close every door and take all the help there is. Good luck!

Hi Lisa bee it's a great start to recognise a problem. I'm wife of cg and have seen the other side. I would encourage you to tell someone close to you. Maybe someone could help monitor or control your finances. Support is often very helpful, doing this alone will be very hard for you. Call gamcare and get some advice. Also don't underestimate the power of addiction. Put as many blocks in your way. There are apps that block gambling sites you can download to your phone. Self exclusion. If you really want to stop you will close every door and take all the help there is. Good luck!

Thank you very much for the advice. I have self excluded and withdrawn the remainder of my savings out of bank to store at home in a cash tin.

Having money in my savings doesn't seem to compute with me as money its just figures on a screen. So I thought saving some cash the old fashioned way where I can SEE and feel my money will help me (I want to save for holidays etc)

Finished work then went straight to the cashpoint and withdrew what was left to take away with me next weekend (going on holiday which I can JUST about afford)

Bought a cash tin and have set myself a savings schedule of £100 a month. I can save money but as I have mentioned if it is in a lump sum in my bank... It doesn't seem like 'real' money to me. Money I can see and feel does seem like real money. It seems more tangible.

Has anyone else felt like this?

So savings plan set up, diary updated and all in all I can feel a small glimmer of positivity out of this madness.

I am looking forward to my holiday and turn 30 on December 8th. I really want ten days GF under my belt for it.

Welcome and well done on taking the steps to stop the madness of online gambling.

Self exclusion is good and keeping the money in cash has a certain logic to it. I only ever gambled online and therefore no longer have unmonitored access to cards. If you gave me £1000 in cash today I would have absolutely no interest in walking into a physical casino or bookies to gamble. Giving me uncontrolled access to £1000 in an online casino account might not be quite such a good idea despite my resolve to quit gambling.

Can't really help you much with the waking up feeling like ****. It does get better but only with time. If you can start to forgive yourself it may happen quicker but I struggled with that as forgiving myself seemed a pretty selfish thing to do for myself.

Not sure of your circumstances but having the support of a friend or member of your family will also help significantly as will getting some professional help either through counselling (available free through this site) or GA meetings. You need to work out what works for you but having someone to talk to seems pretty important to me as our thoughts relating to gambling are not rational so we need to discuss our thoughts/feelings with someone else to get that second opinion.

Money I can see and feel does seem like real money. It seems more tangible. Has anyone else felt like this?

Hi Lisa-Bee

I'm glad that 'glimmer' is beginning to appear. Stick at it, it will be a big hulking fireball of happiness.

I totally agree - there's a world of difference between handling the real money rather than having it just displayed as digits in a bank account or as a casino balance . Having cash in your hand (or a tin) is quite a shocker, especially when it sinks in just how reckless it was to gamble huge chunks of it online without batting an eye.

I pulled out the remainder of my money that I had left from my bank account and kept some of the cash into a tatty envelope. I also put some into an old fashioned Building Society account that only has an 'over-the-counter' method of withdrawal. It was the best move I ever made. It means everytime I need to pay I bill, I need to take a trip to 2 banks, but that's a joy compared to the agony of losing it.

Especially because my gambling urges still come back quite regularly (daily, in fact) - but because I've got just enough money in my bank for the essential bills, there's no way I can blow everything in one go now.

I'm self employed so I don't have a regular payday or income - so all the money I had was in a single account which, now I think back, terrifies me how close I came to spending every last penny. I think I was 2 gambles away from losing everything I'd saved, but thankfully somehow bailed out on a loss.

I'm only just 2 weeks gf - but finding this place, and being able to log my thoughts in a diary has really helped me to resist the urges.I'm sure you'll find it the same - there's so much support here - and just reading other people's recovery diaries helps to hammer home the point that gambling only ever results in a loss and the only way to bring back a sense of calm into life is to quit and quit for ever.

I wish you the very best in kicking this nasty habit out of your life - and I guarantee there's going to be much more pleasure in seeing your savings grow in a tin compared to seeing it instantly swallowed by an anonymous gambling site.

Welcome and well done on taking the steps to stop the madness of online gambling.

Self exclusion is good and keeping the money in cash has a certain logic to it. I only ever gambled online and therefore no longer have unmonitored access to cards. If you gave me £1000 in cash today I would have absolutely no interest in walking into a physical casino or bookies to gamble. Giving me uncontrolled access to £1000 in an online casino account might not be quite such a good idea despite my resolve to quit gambling.

Can't really help you much with the waking up feeling like ****. It does get better but only with time. If you can start to forgive yourself it may happen quicker but I struggled with that as forgiving myself seemed a pretty selfish thing to do for myself.

Not sure of your circumstances but having the support of a friend or member of your family will also help significantly as will getting some professional help either through counselling (available free through this site) or GA meetings. You need to work out what works for you but having someone to talk to seems pretty important to me as our thoughts relating to gambling are not rational so we need to discuss our thoughts/feelings with someone else to get that second opinion.

Good luck and keep posting.

Thank you so much for your kind words :) I am glad my strange concept of digital money and 'real' money makes sense. I guess its just the way addicted gamblers come to view money sometimes?

In truth I don't really have anyone close that I can confide in, which is why staying active here and posting is so vital to me right now.

Money I can see and feel does seem like real money. It seems more tangible. Has anyone else felt like this?

Hi Lisa-Bee

I'm glad that 'glimmer' is beginning to appear. Stick at it, it will be a big hulking fireball of happiness.

I totally agree - there's a world of difference between handling the real money rather than having it just displayed as digits in a bank account or as a casino balance . Having cash in your hand (or a tin) is quite a shocker, especially when it sinks in just how reckless it was to gamble huge chunks of it online without batting an eye.

I pulled out the remainder of my money that I had left from my bank account and kept some of the cash into a tatty envelope. I also put some into an old fashioned Building Society account that only has an 'over-the-counter' method of withdrawal. It was the best move I ever made. It means everytime I need to pay I bill, I need to take a trip to 2 banks, but that's a joy compared to the agony of losing it.

Especially because my gambling urges still come back quite regularly (daily, in fact) - but because I've got just enough money in my bank for the essential bills, there's no way I can blow everything in one go now.

I'm self employed so I don't have a regular payday or income - so all the money I had was in a single account which, now I think back, terrifies me how close I came to spending every last penny. I think I was 2 gambles away from losing everything I'd saved, but thankfully somehow bailed out on a loss.

I'm only just 2 weeks gf - but finding this place, and being able to log my thoughts in a diary has really helped me to resist the urges.I'm sure you'll find it the same - there's so much support here - and just reading other people's recovery diaries helps to hammer home the point that gambling only ever results in a loss and the only way to bring back a sense of calm into life is to quit and quit for ever.

I wish you the very best in kicking this nasty habit out of your life - and I guarantee there's going to be much more pleasure in seeing your savings grow in a tin compared to seeing it instantly swallowed by an anonymous gambling site.

Wishing you all the very best

Equinox

Thank you so much for your response. I am relieved it is not just me who has this skewered perception of money when it comes to gambling. It is something I will be looking into!

Well done Lisa Bee your doing so many positive things I’ve been gamblingvon and off for 20 years I’m trying to get my head around the amount of money I lost and I’m getting there.i understand what you mean by digital money and real money completely it’s quite insane isn’t it but that’s addiction insanity. So glad your here keep going! X

Well done Lisa Bee your doing so many positive things I’ve been gamblingvon and off for 20 years I’m trying to get my head around the amount of money I lost and I’m getting there.i understand what you mean by digital money and real money completely it’s quite insane isn’t it but that’s addiction insanity. So glad your here keep going! X

Thank you so much for your reply. I am fired up the main reason being I am nearing 30. I have been gambling for 2 years and do not want this addiction hanging over me in the future. I am quite a determind person. I have made peace with the fact I have a problem and I cannot gamble again. I sat myself down and worked out I've lost around 4k of my own money over 2 years.

In theory I am quite fortunate. I am not in debt through this addiction but I have reached the stage where I soon could be if I continued.

These forums are so useful talking to everyone here is beyond helpful.

I am sorry you have had this addiction hanging over your head for so long, but you are here and that means you know gambling is an issue for you. Keep fighting and I really wish you all the best for your recovery x

Gamban sounds great - I've just looked at the website and they have the iOS version soon which is what I need having been suckered into the world of iPads and iPhones.

Reading through happy posts like yours - when people are not gambling - helps to show gambling for the life-drain it really is and really highlights how we're so much better off without it polluting our lives.

I remember reading a post when someone said they don't want to spend Xmas day burdened by the heavy gambler's guilt and regret - and that really resounded with me. Let this Xmas be a gamble free one with a happy heart.

Gamban sounds great - I've just looked at the website and they have the iOS version soon which is what I need having been suckered into the world of iPads and iPhones.

Reading through happy posts like yours - when people are not gambling - helps to show gambling for the life-drain it really is and really highlights how we're so much better off without it polluting our lives.

I remember reading a post when someone said they don't want to spend Xmas day burdened by the heavy gambler's guilt and regret - and that really resounded with me. Let this Xmas be a gamble free one with a happy heart.

Happy Christmas!

Equinox

I can't agree with you enough Equinox! Gambling is a toxic addiction we have. This time last year I was deluding myself I didn't really have much of a problem with Bingo and Slots. This year I will be all too aware of the thousands I've lost and the heartache and guilt it has made me feel. No place for that **** in my life anymore!

I really would recommend gamban it is a really useful app and you can have it across loads of devices. If you do decide to download and use it please let me know how you get on.

All the best to you and merry christmas to you too! wishing you a happy and gamble free 2018 :)

Day three. No gambling. Been busy with work, no time to dwell on gambling really. Treated myself to some new foundation and perfume today- that spare money would have gone straight to the slot machines.

Welcome to the forums Lisa. You will find a lot of support here that’s for sure. You have took some good steps already so well done for that :). Congrats on day 3 GF. It’s good to treat yourself and makes it all the more possible to do so when we don’t give our money to these gambling sites...

Makes me feel sick that every advert you see for gambling is of people smiling and enjoying themselves. Gambling industry does not make its huge profits from people like that, the people they make their money from are sad despairing people.

Sky Vegas casino advert just come up on channel 4 while I write this. Blah.

Day 5 done! Today has been a bit of a tough one. Been unwell and with the weather being awful just chilled at home. Really felt like gambling... But I did not. Will be a week Wednesday since I have quit. Doesn't seem like a lot but I think each day without gambling is a big achievement.

No gambling. A lot of thoughts of gambling. I even tried to download a mobile slots app but found I couldn't cause of gamban :) that was a good feeling. Been thinking I am due a bit of luck as I've had a pretty crappy time of it lately. Hah. The things we think of to justify our habit.

I have turned off notifications and ads on Facebook for gambling but they are still popping up everywhere. Facebook, emails, text messages, the radio, TV.

Is it any wonder why so many problem gamblers relapse?

Gambling is literally everywhere!

These temptations are sure to pass soon. Its day 7 tomorrow and once I have attained a week of being GF the next goal is a month then two then three...

Hi Lisa well done on your first 6 days gamble free. I won’t lie the first few months are hard but get through those and it will get easier every day. For those Facebook ads if you hide your age then change your age year to one under 18 years old , problem solved it’s the only way to escape them I’m afraid. But it definitely works. For your emails change your email address. Your mobile use calls blacklist as you can block unknown senders both calls and text . Unfortunately as for tv and radio there is no escape unless you watch it either recorded or on demand.

This time last week I barley slept I was that stressed I had lost £500 on online slots. I have finished work and today is payday. I am not even concerned about gambling today. I have packing to do for my holiday on sunday.

One day at a time! Role on 2 weeks (I am noticing it is getting tougher as the days go on, almost as if your saying to yourself well you havnt gambled in a while so its fine if you want to have a go... BUT it would never just be 'a go' people can either gamble and walk away or gamble, win, loose, chase and so on.

Cannot fall into the trap of deluding myself that I can gamble responsibly. Because I know I can't. Ugh.

Day 24 for me Lisa! I'm actually not feeling the temptations that I expected so so far so good! Especially as I have had a bunch of payday loans leave my account today, that would normally be a trigger as I try to get the money back before inevitably losing and taking out more. But now i'm seeing it more as just the difficult start necessary to break the cycle:)

Hey Lisa, I read more of your posts and I can relate to them a lot! We are about the same ago and I have thought to myself recently that I dont want to be 30, or 40 or 50 and still be skint and have this hanging over my head,

Hey Lisa, I read more of your posts and I can relate to them a lot! We are about the same ago and I have thought to myself recently that I dont want to be 30, or 40 or 50 and still be skint and have this hanging over my head,

Well done! I've been finding it more difficult these past few days but fortunately am not able to gamble because of the blocks:)

Yes that's true. I'm on holiday in Blackpool at the moment and I was a bit worried about all the opportunities to gamble up here with all the casinos and bingo but I have been keeping myself busy. Its two weeks right now for me and I am determind to start 2018 with a month of no gambling behind me.

Unfortunately I fell off the wagon yesterday, seems I can't take my own advice! But I have closed the "loopholes" if you will, and starting again, more determined than ever.

I feel you about starting 2018 with a clean slate, last christmas was an absolute nightmare and I dont ant to be in that place again. I hope you stay strong and resist the temptation while you are up there! Wishing you the best :)

LB, just wanted to drop by and say well done. It's so hard and I can relate to how your feeling. I did the payday loans... I didn't think I would be that kinda person. Used to see the adverts and think how can someone take one of those for that Apr. I did, I got desperate and thought I could just pay back once I had my big win. How stupid was I. I'm in debt up to my eyeballs and it's going to take years to get out of this. It's such a great position you are in to give up now and make that decision. If I could turn back the clock I would do. What's done is done. It took me a long time in denial before admitting I had a problem. I'm so glad to hear you have blocks in place. Don't let it ruin your life.

I started gambling when I was 16 and I’m 34 this month, you can imagine the losses I’ve racked up!! I’ve had enough now. The toughest part of gambling wasn’t the monetary loss, or the mountain of payday loans I owed, i lost my relationship because of it, as well as my house and countless opportunities. After 18 years it’s all been for nothing. That big win I always dreamed off never came (and it never will). Ironically, a few days after having to move out of my old house I won £12,000 (which I lost back) I realised that after all the dreaming and scheming, the money was actually worthless. I had no one to spend it on, it wasn’t making me feel happy like I imagined it would, it made me feel really sad. Accept the position that your in, cut your losses and move on, totally forget about what you’ve lost, it’s gone. You’ll always earn more more money but you’ll never get more time, don’t waste the most valuable commodity you have feeling like s#!t through gambling. Good luck