Sunday, December 30, 2007

This weekend.....the middle of your day has turned into the middle of my nights. I worked last night and slept yesterday during the day. I did get to come home early get a few hours of sleep before chruch and then back home to bed again. Now it's my morning again. I think. In about an hour, I'll head out for another full day of work. Or night of work.

I've always wondered about the people who work the night shift. Not just at the hospital, but anywhere. It's not an easy thing to do. For me, I am a lot more fun when I am extremely tired. Some of the nurses on the night shift said I bring a different element to their shift. Laughter! I have found most night people are pretty serious people. In our line of work, there is a time for serious, and a time for fun. I know the difference and when to turn it off and on. But in all seriousness...I like the fun side.

Do you just like the element of of fun in life? I like to be around fun people just as much as I like to be one of those fun people. I think if we stop having fun in our life, we miss out on all the great opportunities to smile, laugh, and enjoy the brighter side of life.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

That was me today! And in my new king size bed, there were no sides at all. I think no matter where I had woke up, it wouldn't have been in the right place.

Am I the only one that has these days?

No matter what I did to try and cheer myself up...it didn't work. No matter how hard my family tried....it wasn't working either. Even Theresa tried to make me laugh...and my laugh was just broken!

It's the most horrible feeling in the world to feel like you are even mad at the paint on the wall. It's just frustrating. James 1:19-20 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desiresI did not have the righteous life this morning. I pray that tomorrow whatever side of the bed I wake up on is better than today's. And if it's not...I think I'll start sleeping on the floor.

I did take a nap this afternoon so I can be well rested for the rest of the evening. I think that the extra time is just what was ordered!

I thank God for friends that make me laugh! Theresa was able to crack the first smile out of me tonight with her talented wit! I'm heading to work tonight for the rest of the night which will lead to a to a long day tomorrow. Maybe if I just don't go to sleep then I can't blame it on the bed huh?

Blessings to my wonderful friends whom I love dearly!!!! Have a great night!

Thursday, December 27, 2007

I'm a big dreamer! Not small....but HUGE!!! I haven't quite figured out if this is a good thing or bad thing yet.

I have dreams and high hopes for me in many areas of my life. Not all of them will pan out. Some things I'm good at, some I'm great at, and some...well...I just shouldn't quit my day job.

I'm okay with this. What I don't want to do is SETTLE! I don't want to settle for something that is not who I am supposed to become. We spend so much time on this earth trying to become something that we will never be. We see others achievements and someday, hope to be like those we look up to. Well, we all know who it is we should be looking up to....and with His guidance, we'll achieve whatever He has in store for us.

This week I have realized that I'm not going to ever achieve all of my dreams. I just don't think it is possible. Some of my dreams, I'm just not cut out for. But I can certainly love to watch others achieve the dream that I would like to live. I can live in their excitement, their enjoyment, their thrill....as I go on to achieve another dream of my own. Not sure what it really is, but I will find it.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid to try new things. Yet, I live in the excitement of the thrill of a new experience. I could fail. I could succeed. But all in all, the success comes in knowing that I'm willing to put my all into whatever I do.

Sadness does not belong in this area. Criticism of myself will not be tolerated. I will think positive thoughts about believe in those that believe in me. So many times we get trapped in moments of criticizing ourselves that we get to a point where we can't ever be happy.

I rarely make new years resolutions. I don't make them because I am horrible at keeping them. This year I want to just a make a promise to myself. I want to promise myself that I will be happy with whatever I become. If I never make it any further than I am today, in my life, my love, my talent, my career, whatever it is that I am involved in, I want to promise myself that I am happy and content with the outcome of who I am. I don't have to be in the spotlight, or the center of attention to know my worth.

Chad getting ready to have a NERF war with my brother! Emilie helping my brother load up to get mommy! Me attacking my brother. He looks quite scared. This was one of our milder moments during the game. Mom had to finally yell at us for rough housing. (yes...I also know what's wrong in this pic!) Ian was Jordan's Secret Santa this year. He couldn't wait for her to open her barbies!

Chad, Me, and my sister-in-law Jessica and my brother Randy. WE HAVE SO MUCH FUN!

There is nothing worse than being sick on Christmas morning. But she made it through the day. This was a NERF Christmas if I've ever saw one!!!!!

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

In 2003, Chad started a book for me. It was originally for my 30th birthday. He took it to over 90 people and had them write something about me.

Now, I didn't even think I knew 90 people, but apparently I do. From time to time, when I am having a bad day, I will take the book off the shelf in the living room and read it. It gives me new hope for the day and the future.

For Christmas this year, Chad had more entries added to the book. (with the help of Theresa) So now it has over 100 entries of the most beautiful things from the most beautiful people. Some make me laugh and some make me cry. It's truly a great gift in more ways that one.

I am so blessed.

I'm blessed more than I can ever know. We live in such a world where everything is monetary. But words are not.

When we say words of love, we can do it in so many ways. We speak words, we sing words, we write words, and yet, they are so eloquent. I love it because everyones words are so unique. Some are poets, some are more literal, and some are just simply blunt and straight forward. Telling someone how much you love them is one of the most precious jewels that you can give someone. Some people are good at this, some are shy. I, for one, love to tell people how much they mean to me. I love to see people feel better about themselves knowing that I love them. One of the greatest gifts to me everyday is knowing that someone appreciates the fact that I love them.

When we receive words it's not always the same. When we are face to face with our friends, it is so easy (if they are honest) to know how they feel. When we receive an e-mail, it's difficult at times to detect tone. Of course, that is, if you are good with all the little smiley faces that go with e-mails, text, and such. When we receive letters or cards in the mail, it's exciting, since this is not always the preferred form of communicating in these days of technology.

One person that really stands out to me is my friends Theresa. When she talks to me, she doesn't tell me all the good, but she tells me the bad too. She knows how to communicate in such a way where she is bluntly honest, but doesn't hurt my feelings. She has been an excellent teacher for me on how to communicate with others. She has taught me how to be more open and honest. Especially honest. When I ask her opinion, she loves me enough to give me her honest opinion right then. Not make me wait around and wonder what she's really thinking. This is what I love about her. In everything she does, she makes me feel like a better person, while helping me to become a better person.

Do you know I have over 100 friends? Every person that wrote something to me has affected me somehow in someway in my life. I couldn't ever ask for anything more than that.

All I've cared about for so long is making a difference in the lives of others. This Christmas, the gift I received was knowing that....I did it. More than 100 times.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

We went on a field trip last Wednesday with all the kids to the 66'ers game. I love this event every year. This year I stepped in for a teacher who did not want to go out on the court for a bit of "Karaoke". The at the end of the 3rd quarter, I went down and sang against another parent from another school M.C. Hammer's "You can't touch this". And I won!!! I think it wasn't about singing...it was about representin!!! And that I did!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Tonight we had some very welcomed visitors during the ice storm. Dan, Theresa, and the kids all came over. We ordered pizza and had interesting conversation, and obnoxious singing moments. It was so much fun. Tomorrow night we're having breakfast for dinner so I think they may be back! And will certainly be welcomed with open arms. If you like eggs and pancakes...come on over! (Sorry Theresa) Emilie and Lukus listening to Dans IPOD. Jeremy and Nate having fun on the big comfy chair! Me and Theresa...well....doing what we do best! Me and the kiddos singing Veggie Tale songsAnd it wouldn't be complete without a pic of T & B

I sit here today and continue to watch my tree tumble in the yard. We had recently decorated the yard for the neighborhood light contest. After driving around, we are just sure that we could take first or a good second place. Our house looked like a runway for planes. That's even scary knowing the planes fly over our house for take off and landings. Now I look out and I just see a mess. The lights are broken, the snowman is dead and it's just a big pile of rubble.

Groups of men come to my door nearly every hour offering to clean up my yard. It's all for a nice fee of course. Fortunately, I'm still young enough and have a great husband and with our teamwork combined, we've managed to get a lot of it done. In the rain and all. Everyday, more branches fall off. The big ones are just hanging by a thread and waiting for a gust of wind to blow them down.

I think I have been overworked this week at work. Long hours and late hours. We implemented the external disaster plan (also called a CODE YELLOW) and that means everyone that is able should be prepared to come into work. I was one of those that had to go in and although we were extremely busy, I was able to help get a lot accomplished yesterday.

I was able to leave about 3:00am and I have to say, I cried all the way home. I didn't turn the radio on, I didn't call anyone.

I was driving in the biggest fog I have ever seen. There was no power, no lights, and just a small glimpse of the white lines on the road. That was my only sense of direction. I felt like I was living something out of a Stephen King book. I could not drive over 15mph the entire way. I couldn't see the path in front of me. Would I hit a car? A tree? Power lines? Was there even a road before me?

This is probably the most scared and alone I have ever felt in my life. I could hear my heart beating louder than the crackles of ice on the ground. About every 1/2 mile down the road, I would see a small light that would guide my way. I would stop and take a breath. If I could see a light, I felt like I wasn't alone.

I prayed quite a bit last night during my journey home. Living in darkness is not a good thing. it was the most horrifying moment in my life. I was very thankful when I reached home. Somewhere safe away from all harm.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Okay...the secret is going to be out now. I secretly am a huge DONNY OSMOND fan. And one of the feel good movies that I watch when I'm down is Donny in Joseph and the Amazing technicolor dreamcoats. My kids love and yes, we own the soundtrack and movie and they can sing it all too. So it's not within the Christmas theme of songs, but it's what I'm watching tonight. Here is one of my favorite scenes.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Someone needs to educate me on two things: What it's like to be the "middle child" and how to parent a "middle child".

Appearently, I am doing it all wrong.

I try my best, but according to the "middle child" in our family, I have totally screwed it up! It being his life!!!

Last night we had a very heartfelt and tearful conversation after church. Most of it was about how bad of a parent I am.

I was never a middle child, only the baby of the family. That explains a lot of my stubborness and selfishness that I go through. I can work on this easily. But the middle child stuff...well...I'm in the dark.

One of the things that he brought to my attention is that he doesn't feel like we even know he is here. That breaks my heart. We talk everyday, I tell him I love him everyday, but apparently it's not enough. And I don't know how to fix it with him. I tried today, but it just made things worse.

He got me thinking.....How many times have I felt 'un-noticed', 'un-loved', un-appreicaited'???? Oh! I can think of so many.

There are many times in my life, even right now, that I feel there are people that wouldn't know if I was around or not. I have to say, it's the worse feeling in the world. It hurts my heart so much. Going to school...nobody saying hello. Going to church, and just having someone walk by you, having a family dinner and someone not speaking to you almost the entire time. It's not a good feeling.

I had a friend that once told me that he gagued his importance in a room by the amount of people that came over to him and either acknowledged him by saying hello, giving a hug. He even tested this....and finally went into a major depression and tried to kill himself. Now...that's a bit extreme....but I thought his experiment was interesting. On the first hand, I thought, I wonder if anyone would acknowledge me if I came in the room. Second, I thought it was a pretty selfish "it's all about me" act!

How do we get stuck in this rut....and how do we get out? How do I parent a 10 year old that already feels this way.

I think our role in this world is so important. It's a role that is not all about us, but all about Him and the work that we are doing for Him through our actions. Making others feel like they matter is something that Jesus was good at. No...he was GREAT at it. I can say I'm not the best at this. I go in and out of good times in this practice. But I want to make everyone feel that they are important and they have a place in this world.

So the next time you walk in a room, try to make eye contact...not with just one, but with everyone, say hello to 2-3-5-10 people, give as many hugs as you can!! Make someone else feel important and hopefully this will be returned in your heart.

As for parenting the middle child, I could use all the advice I can get!!!! ;o)

Here are a few shots from our fun trip down to Mike and Mikel's wedding.

Tony preaching on "Love"The boys singing "Your Love is More" Chris doing his thingAh...yes, the kiss Me, Vicki, Nikki, and Tisha having lunch at the steak house a few hours before the wedding. (and after a morning of great shopping)

Saturday, November 17, 2007

My coworkers are heros!!!! Heroes in the air St. Francis Hospital Intensive Care Unit nurses Andrew Sledge (from left), Jill McDaniel and Barbara Still were on an Oct. 21 flight, bound for a cruise vacation, when they were summoned to save a man’s life.By KEVIN CANFIELD World Staff Writer 11/13/2007

Nurse trio saves life at start of vacation

There are some jobs that you just can't leave at the office. Saving lives is one of them. Jill McDaniel, Andrew Sledge and Barbara Still, all nurses in St. Francis Hospital's Intensive Care Unit, were packed into the back of a jumbo jet last month, headed for a cruise, when a fellow passenger's life began slipping away.

McDaniel, 26, said she's not sure why the otherwise healthy-looking middle-aged man stopped breathing -- only that he definitely did.

"He completely stopped breathing, and his eyes started rolling into the back of his head," she said.

It was about 9:30 a.m. Oct. 21 aboard American Airlines Flight 979 -- thousands of feet in the air and 45 minutes out of Dallas -- headed to Miami, Fla., where the nurses planned to board a cruise ship at 4 p.m.

When a flight attendant asked whether any medical personnel were on board, McDaniel and Sledge learned that the sick man was just two rows in front of them.

They were able to speak to him for a short time before his eyes rolled back and his breathing stopped.

Then it was time for them to get to work.

McDaniel gave the man four chest compressions and four rescue breaths before Sledge, 26, picked him up and placed him in the aisle.

McDaniel continued with chest compressions while Sledge tried to breathe life back into the man.

Meanwhile, Still hooked up the man to an Automatic External Defibrillator, which qualified medical personnel can use to determine whether it is necessary to shock someone.

Two to three long minutes passed. Nothing.

Then, just as the device showed that no shock was necessary, Sledge felt things change for the better.

"One of the last breaths, I could feel a resistance," he said. "It's where he's trying to breathe out while I'm trying to breathe in.

"I looked up and his eyes started to open up some."

They had saved a life.

"He was essentially dead; he was gray and he wasn't breathing, and we were able to revive him," Still said.

Whose life did they save?

They don't know.

Fifteen or 20 minutes after they began CPR, the 757 made an emergency landing in Shreveport, La., where another problem awaited:

Shreveport's airport is so small that it didn't have a portable stairway high enough to reach the plane's door.

The paramedics had to be put on the plane with scaffolding.

McDaniel said the man was taken out of the back of the plane, but she's not sure how he got to the ground.

That's the last thing they know about him.

They think of him, though.

"You have to sit back and think, 'We saved that man's life,' " Still said. "And in the next breath, you think, 'We do that every day.' " McDaniel, Sledge and Still work three 12-hour shifts together every week.

Still, 32, described their work: "If you watch the news, that's generally our patients." So they're used to unpleasant emergencies.

But they're also used to dealing with them in a hospital, not in an airplane. Not while on their way to the Virgin Islands.

All three acknowledged that they were a bit scared at first, but another feeling soon took over.

"When you're outside your unit, you wonder, 'Is it going to come to me?' and it did," Still said.

And about that cruise?

The nurses didn't get to Miami until a few hours after their ship had sailed.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Many times in life I find that I am a drifter. My mind, my thoughts, and my actions can drift away from God and put me right into Satan's hands. Whew...that's a scary thought. But I've come to find out I'm not alone in this.

There are many things we can do to keep our minds in check and guard our hearts. I have to be able to recognize the areas in my life where I let my guard down when really, my armor should be on at all times.

Getting into His word and just letting it work on my heart is such a good feeling. I'm not a "scripture quoter". I never have been. I know and remember stories, but most of the time, I have to look something up in order to see what the Father is trying to tell me.

The Holy Spirit is so powerful. If we take more time to pray and ask for that power to protect us, we can have that shield of armor we need. Prayer is such a powerful thing. I love to get together with other Christians and just pray. I'm not good at it, but I love to do it. But I learned that God is my friend and I can have a great conversation with Him without being intimidated. When talking to Him, I can just relax and be myself. But it's also cool to just have some quiet time with Him. I love our alone time. Father, I know there are times that I struggle and I drift away from you. Help me to be strong, to be a good example, and to show your face in all I do. I am a weak person without you! Your strength guides me. Don't let the weight of the world shake me. Life is good! Help me to always know what you are trying to tell me. And when my friends struggle, help me to be a light to them and show them the path back to you. Help me to keep my guard up at all times so that my heart constantly stays strong for you. Amen

5. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to bestill so He can untangle the knot.

6. Do the math. Count your blessings.

7. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

8. Dear God: I have a problem. It's me.

9. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

10. Laugh every day -- it's like inner jogging.

11. The most important things in your home are the people.

12. Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.

13. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open. Come on in.

14. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

15. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

16. We do not remember days, but moments. Life moves too fast, so enjoy yourprecious moments.

17. Nothing is real to you until you experience it; otherwise it's justhearsay.

18. Its all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you are done.

19. Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. The goalsand dreams you're seeking require courage and risk-taking. Learn from theturtle, it only makes progress when it sticks out its neck.

20. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Yourcharacter is what you really are, while your reputation is merely whatothers think you are. No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting. Leave gentle fingerprints on the soul of anotherfor the angels to read.

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just thelength of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

I want to live the simple life! I loved growing up! We had 5 channels on TV, no cell phones, one car, and a life of the right priorities. Mostly because we didn't have the money. When other kids came over to play they would gasp "You don't have cable???" I was embarrassed at the time. I took my lunch to school everyday and had the same bologna and cheese sandwich everyday I think for 5 years! (my dad took the same lunch everyday too! I thought that was cool)

Finally we had technology going in, and now I'm trying to get technology out. Well, not really out, just reduced!

I have found that by bringing in more technology into my life, that it runs us into financial ruin. Internet, cable, cell phone, computers, etc. These are things that just consume our lives can not only consume you, they can break you financially.

This past week we made some changes.

We downgraded our Internet to not be so "high speed". I can live with a slower connection.

We downgraded our cable so that we have less things to corrupt our eyes with. Who needs 900 channels!!!! I'm happy with 5 channels and an antennae.

We downgraded our cell phone! Yes, you heard me right!!! Downgraded the cell phone to not have so many minutes. We have a home phone and I can communicate from that from now on. The less minutes I have, the less I will talk on the phone.

We are looking for the priorities in our lives right now. We can't give in the places we want to give because we are living with the wrong priorities. When you sit back and look at what you can really live without, your perspective really changes.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Why is one of the most precious things on earth one of the most difficult?

Prayers! It is so hard for me to ask others to pray for me. To put myself out there. To be bold. To be vulnernable. I really struggle with this. If I asked for prayers outloud, are they more inclined to get answered?

I have no problem asking for others, but me personally, I just don't want to bother people with it. I use to be really good at this until someone told me "You always have prayer request" and then I took about 10 steps back in the wrong direction.

I didn't want to appear needy. I wanted people to finally think everything was okay. I love to pray for people. I love to take their needs to our Father. I love that others would ask me to do that for them.

I've been sick for the past 9 weeks and lost now over 20 pounds. I went to the doctor on Friday and all test came back negative for anything I could have gotten at work. I can not eat and have eaten very little over the past 2 weeks. Eaten practiclly nothing over the past 2 days.

I will soon go in for further testing and procedures to find out why I am rapidly losing weight and getting sick.

If you do read this blog, please pray the answers will soon be found. I was in hopes I had just caught a bug, and now that's not the case. Pray that the outcome and recovery is swift and easy.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

This week I was given a challenge. It was not really presented that way, but WHOOOO it is! And I love it.

I love something that makes me think. I love something that pushes me to go where I haven't before. I love something that makes me explore new territory. I love something that reaches me to new heights. I love something that takes me to another level. I love something that tugs at my heart so much that it consumes me!

When presented with an earthly challenge, it's not always like that. When presented with a challenge that draws me closer to him each day....I love that! Anything that is taking up time and space in my brain and fills it with His warmth and love for me...well...why would I not be up for something like that.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

#10. Sleeping in! Although I have not mastered the art of this yet, I'm sure eventually I will.

#9. I can actually celebrate at family parties with my family!!!

#8. Much more time to get homework finished! (not that I did that this weekend)

#7. Garage sales on Saturday mornings!!!

#6. Cleaning my house house SPOTLESS!!!! Now I need someone to come visit me!!!

#5. Having a nice long lunch with the "divas" Me, Emilie, and her friend Audrey.

#4. Spending some much needed couch time with my first husband!

#3. Going to the movie with Chad, the kids, and 500 other FEDEX employees!

#2. Going to a soccer game and being a total soccer mom!!! (making my kid proud)

#1. Going to chruch, celebrating Him with my brothers and sisters, taking communion, Getting the best hugs in the world this morning, feeling like I never left, WORSHIP...WORSHIP...WORSHIP, Hearing Shane May speak in class (WOW!!), hearing an amazing sermon from Terry, and singing Days of Elijah! (oh...and I can't leave out the point where Shane recognized my return...publically! Thank God for friends!!! ) ;o)

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I was in the checkout line at Wal-mart....having a very peaceful morning. Nothing to distract me, nobody to bother me, just me and the checkout machine. You could say that I was very self absorbed in my shopping experience.

I headed to the door and out of the corner of my eye I see this lady coming for me. She caught me off guard.....

Wal-mart Lady: "Mamm...would you like a bottle of Coke this morning?"

Me: "No Thank You"

Wal-mart Lady: "Really? It's free"

Me: "No...but thank you"

Wal-mart Lady: "How do you not want a free Coke?"

Me: "I'm not sure, I just really don't want one" (now we are both starting to laugh and I"m taking more time in this conversation than I really wanted to)

Wal-mart Lady: "I have tried to give away free Coke all morning and nobody will take any! I don't know what the problem is"

Me: "Well, I think it because usually, when we (as consumers) are given something that is free, we are suckered into coming over to the table, looking at the rest of the product, analyzing something, and then well, buying something else"

The Wal-mart Lady agreed, and thought she may need a different approach.

Me: "Tell you what, I will take your first bottle of Coke today and listen to anything you want to tell me"

Wal-mart Lady: "Really, I don't have anything to say...I just wanted you to have a free Coke" (She says while laughing with a huge smile)

Wow! How many times have you looked away when someone wanted to give you something for free? It's usually at the fair! "Here...take this sample...oh and if you have time...let's set up an appointment"

It made me think on the way home, how many times does God try to give us something, and we turn our head the other way? Come over to his table, eat his food, drink his "coke" (okay...not really) but you get the picture. How many times do we take it forgranted what it is that we should be receiving?

This Sunday is going to be a huge day for me. It will be normal for everyone else around me, but in my heart, it is bigger than ever. I get to celebrate once again on a Sunday morning how much my God loves me and I love Him. I feel sorry for people that are believers, but don't go to church. How can you possibly be living for the Lord when your not celebrating his life each week with His children? I got over "playing church" long ago and started "living church". I don't do it all right but I do try. I want my God to be the center of my attention in all that I do. I know I screw that up all the time. Okay....DAILY! But he loves me anyway and I love that about Him. He allowed me to go through a hard year just to see how much my heart really needed Him.

If I can convey what I'm trying to say is that don't take forgranted what you have. Not at home,not at work, not in your neighborhood, not at church and not at Wal-mart. Tomorrow it could be gone. Today it could be gone. Savor every moment. Live in His peace. Live in His presence. Dance with everyone watching. Live like everybody is watching. Love like everybody is watching. Praise like everybody is watching so that when others see you, they may see the God in you.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Last night I worked my last "official" night as a permanent employee. Now I'm on call and um...yeah...they waste no time. I've already been called in for tonight.

Last night was a bitter sweet night. We were busy! And I also have a dear friend that is fighting for his life while I am there working.

Sometimes in our profession, we have to step to the side and let God do His work. My friend, by all clinical means, should not be alive right now. But when we gave up, God took over and has given us 3 more priceless days with him. I look forward to each minute he still has here on earth and we are all giving God the glory.

Friday, October 26, 2007

When I started this blog I said I would never blog about the bad days but quite frankly, I can't do that today. The past 24 hours for me has been what I consider hell. (there, now my blog is no longer rated G)

My children are at an age now where they are trying to claim and find their independence. So much that it is at my expense.

I love them dearly, but in the past 24 hours they have treated me worse than they would treat our dog. Doesn't make me love them less, but sure makes me not like their behavior at that moment.

I reached an all time high breaking point this morning with emotional overload. I called several people, but none answered. I think it was a sign that God just wanted me to deal with it at that moment alone and rely on Him.

But what I feel is I can no longer do this. I can't be all things to all people. I only have what I have and that's it. I give all of myself away to everyone else and save nothing for me. Even though I feel I am one of the most selfish persons in the world, I give it all away! My love, my heart, my time, my everything so that for one moment, I can see someone smile. That makes me feel good inside! Where did I go wrong?

Today was supposed to be a good day. I have my recital later today and now...the words of this song I will sing will be so profound it's not even funny. Not even sure I can make it through. I sit here and cry, have trouble breathing, and just can't compose myself any longer. I can't walk in with a smile and say I'm okay. I'm not.

I don't ask for prayers, because I'm too prideful. I don't like being vulnerable. It's a hard concept for me to know that when I am down, others are there to pick me up. I don't like people to see me cry and moreso, I don't like them to see me angry. Today, the real me decided to come out and play and we haven't been having a good time. The sympathetic me is wiping the tears of the real me and still searching for the part of me that is just willing to let it all go and be free to be me.

2 nights ago, I suggested we go to Panara Bread to get a change of scenery. I had an excellent dinner but had very little success connecting to the internet. I tried my best not to get frustrated, but it did not work. I finally gave up and felt bad for leaving Theresa there to study by herself. But the frustration took over because my classes are online. I needed internet! I went home and all was fine. I was able to finish a project that night.

Last night, we decided to go to IHOP but instead of going to our usual place on 71st, I suggest 31st since it's closer to my house. Well, we get there and guess what....NO INTERNET! My thoughts were not even right at this moment. I was extreemly frustrated but felt I kept a pretty level head compared to the night before. So we had only ordered drinks and decided to pack everything up and head to 71st where we belong. But just to add one little note here, I was frustrated that we had to pay for a full cup of coffee that wasn't drank, and my pop was only 1/2 gone. You think they would have been sympathetic enough to not charge us. But no. We pay, and we're gone.

We get to 71st and it feels like home! Yes, IHOP feels like home now. We have the best service, the internet works like a charm and all is well. I wanted to be home before 10:00 and we didn't leave until 11:00.

The frustrated me is the part of me I don't like. Anyone can tell by the look on my face when I am frustrated. My eyes can never tell a lie. People usually see right through me.

I wonder if Jesus EVER got frustrated. It's certainly a trait that I do not want to continue to carry. When there is an emotion such as anger, frustration, diappointment, etc. I try to think of something that I can usually put in it's place. For me, it's usually laughter and happiness. At this point in the semester it's really hard to find something to be happy about when I'm thinking of school work. But I have so much to be happy about, such a great family that I love, friends that I couldn't live without, and a God who loves me no matter what my attitude is.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Do you ever wonder in life just how many times you forget to tell someone that you love them? There is one person at church that reminds me every week that I should never foget to tell Chad how much I love him everyday. Well, I believe that I probably do tell him everyday, but it's usually late in the evening and the whole day has gone by without me letting him know. There's something special about Chad. It's in his eyes, his smile, his heart, and quite frankly, I feel I am way too lucky to have him in my life. Do we argue? Yes! Do we agree? Yes! Do we love eachother unconditianally? Yes!

I think the older I have have gotten, the more I have grown to love his sense of humor and his playful attitude. Does he push my buttons? Absolutely! But I love him for challanging me to be different as well as being myself.

I love him today, loved him yesterday, and will love him for an eternity. I can't imagine life without him.

Monday, October 22, 2007

You take a risk with something nearly every moment in some way, you just don't realize it.

What do you think we risk by tackling the important things in life and letting the little things go? How do you know what is little and what is big?

Today...my house is a mess. No...it's a wreck. Now, there are 5 people in this house and I've been gone the past 48 hours so I know I didn't totally let this go all by myself. I truly had help in not doing anything! ;o) But why do I care? Nobody comes over! Nobody but me will see it! It's just me living in a house of chaos! (note: it will be clean by 1:00 ha!)

What happens is I have negelected it. I've neglected to sort things, clean things, do laundry, and put things away. I negelected to prioritize my week last week so everything didn't get done.

what would happned if I did that with my spiritual walk? If I neglect my inner spirit, then what happens to my spiritual life? It too would be in chaos!

Constantly God tells us not to ignore the great salvation of God! Hebrews 2:1-4 (The Message)It's crucial that we keep a firm grip on what we've heard so that we don't drift off. If the old message delivered by the angels was valid and nobody got away with anything, do you think we can risk neglecting this latest message, this magnificent salvation? First of all, it was delivered in person by the Master, then accurately passed on to us by those who heard it from him. All the while God was validating it with gifts through the Holy Spirit, all sorts of signs and miracles, as he saw fit.

Long ago David gave us these words that we can always run back to: Psalm 119:14-16."I rejoice in following your statutes as one rejoices in great riches.I meditate on your precepts and consider your ways.I delight in your decrees;I will not neglect your word."

When I choose to live in the worldly chaos, I do neglect His word and that is one thing I can not risk! Are you willing to risk living any other way?

Monday, October 15, 2007

I just finished working the strangest weekend I have ever worked. Not necessarily because of "what" I did but "how long" I worked. I worked a total of 38.5 hours in 48 hours. That does not provide enough sleep at all. There's a tremendous need in the medical profession and well, I am a part of that need. I'm happy to do it, but I don't ever want to work like that again.

There is a strange thing about sleep deprivation. You start to see things that are not there, your entire body aches and well, you're just not yourself. When talking to Theresa last night, she would tell me that the things I have been saying are so random. I know I didn't make any sense at all and then when I tried, well, it just got worse. It will take me a few days to catch up on my sleep and get back to normal.

So my countdown is now in the teens. I can't wait! I'll be sad to not be with my work family every weekend, but not enough that I am willing to give up anymore time at church.

Over the past week I have received 13 letters from Universities awaiting my transfer to their college for me to complete my BSN and MSN. It's helped so much being part of the honor society. So today was my 13th letter and here are the places that have called: University of Texas at Tyler University of Pheonix University of Southern Alabama University of Oklahoma University of Southern Mississippi Oklahoma Baptist University Oklahoma State University Oklahoma Weslleyan University St. Xavier University in Illinois Walden University in Baltimore Vanderbuilt University Philadelphia University Texas A&M in Corpus ChristiI also received 2 strange calls! One from the Army and one from the Marines! When they asked me why I wouldn't consider a medical career with them, I said, I'm too old, too tired and have too many kids. I think I've already been through bootcamp!

So, I'll give you one opportunity to guess which University I will choose! There si one I would really like to go to...and then one I will be going to! Anyone care to take a guess at those two?