I just came back from shopping with my family. We started discussing money and for one moment, I felt sad, depressed and alone. Next week is Thanksgiving and Black Friday, when all the stores have super sales. Just for a moment. I remember all of the Black Fridays, I have missed, not being able to take advantage of deals. I never had the money. Never. I remember all the Christmas present I was not able to buy my children. My family provided for them, when their poor mother could not. I need to send my family a thank you note for the rest of my life. I have been struggling all my life and things don’t seem to be changing. I know I’m blessed, but just once I want to buy because I want, not because I need. I shop thrift shops, clothes give aways, clip coupons like crazy and still I feel like I am standing in the same place as I did before. I keep trying to climb the laddar of success and somehow a few of my rungs missing. I have been able to achieve some success, but no foundation,in case I fall. Most of falls take years of recovery. I don’t ever remember bouncing back from any struggle in my life. When I was down, I was laid low. I got back up, but with a price and years of hard work. I spoke about what your definition of rich is. I like the fact that my bills are paid. I don’t have to worry if they are going to turn something off and when. I have been in the position where I could not pay my bills and lived almost a whole year with gas. There were days when I had bus fare to go to work, but not enough to get home. I could not afford a can of pop if was thirsty. I have house, food and so do my children. I have learned to open my heart a bit more each and every day. It was closed for a while and it is hard to let people in for fear of getting hurt. I see myself changing lives, but the more I work at it, the more I am behind. I am chasing so much, nothing is getting done. Nothing. I have trimmed the fat in every way I know of and still I struggle. I am just one paycheck away from ruin. I don’t give up; I just try harder the next day and the next. I will just keep trying.

One response to “Just for a moment”

I totally understand the pain and frustration that you are going through my dearest friend. I was looking through some of my old mail the other day, and I came across a card that you sent me. It says “Believe”. I put that card in my living room where I can see it to remember when I am feeling down and under. I say to you my dearest friend to believe and have faith. I am keeping you in my prayer and I also believe that things are going to get better.
Maryann