Monday, June 13, 2016

Trust Issues (Poetry!)

This a completely unedited poem that I just spoke from the heart with. I just felt like I needed to share this and that somebody would need it.

I have trust issues.
This is a fact.
I have trust issues.
And there is no taking that back.
I have trust issues.
And I try so hard to combat them because
I have trust issues
And that's why I'm like that.

I can't open up to those around me
Even if I want to.
Because I don't like myself
And I'm not sure that I want to.
I'm an accident waiting to happen
a time bomb waiting to explode.
I'm a poison corrupting
Even my blood and my bones.

The last time I trusted someone.
That someone tricked me.
Someone I trusted wholeheartedly
Did something worse than whip me.
Someone I thought was my brother.
Made me do something I will never forget.
And I blame him for my sadness.
I blame him for my regret.

I've tried so hard to forgive him.
Yet I haven't tried that hard.
For forgiveness for someone like that
Can be more sharp than a glass shard.

He was my brother once.
Or at least I thought him to be.
But someone as disgusting as that
Could never be a brother to me.

Since that day I haven't trusted
anyone, not even me.
Since that day I've hidden
the thoughts of a human like me.

I might be too emotional
but it's better than not caring at all.
For if I was emotionless
I wouldn't be going to college this fall.

I might have trust issues.
But that's just me.
I might have trust issues
But I will still get that degree.

I have trust issues.
That you can plainly see.
But if you can look past my trust issues
You will see someone loving
And you'll see that somebody is me.

So when I don't tell you my secrets.
It's not because I don't trust you.
It's really not that at all.
I love you and want to tell you everything
But I'm afraid I might fall

Into the depths of depression once more
If someone betrays me again
But more than that, I'm afraid.
That betrayal that is my end
will be from me.

I'm afraid I'll lie to myself
and that things I've thought to be true...
That everything I've been up until now
Will fade into the deep deep blue.

And then I will be all alone again
When you see my real skin.
And nothing will be able to save me
From the demons I hold within.

I'm working on my trust issues.
I hope you can see my work.
My dear, I love you so much
Even if you are such a dork.

Another thing I do
is mask my pain with humor
And it lands me in this goo
that spreads inside me like a tumor.

It slowly kills me.
And I just want to be saved.
The only way to save myself is to trust the one's
who could be savior's on the path I've paved.

If you are in my life
you are in it for a reason.
You're not here for just a nosedive.
You're not here for just a season.

I care about you so much.
Maybe too much at times.
I'll hug you and kiss you and such
and miss your beautiful rhymes.

But I will never be gone.
I will always linger.
I'll always be here
at a push of a finger
I will answer the call
of the best friendship of all.

And though I have trust issues.
I hope you can see.
That without these trust issues.
I just wouldn't be me.

But I am making an effort
I'm attempting to tell you things
that I have told nobody at all.
Things I have lied to myself about
Things that seemed so small.

Yet are so big
in the grand scheme of things.
Things actually important
More than what the hummingbird sings.

I may have trust issues.
But that doesn't mean
that I trust you any less.
It's a symptom of being afraid
not one of distrust.
Of thinking you'll be laid
out to die in a pile of dust.

And some of this may have made no sense
but I had to try to explain
The reason behind my mad unrest
The reason that's mundane.

Hopefully one day I can forgive the reason for my trust issues.
And maybe I'll be able to trust again.
But it's been over twelve years now...
and still the memories remain.

I'm thankful for everyone who has stuck with me
through the terrible times.
The one's who let me be me.
I'm thankful for all of you
Those that stand be me
Because I have a serious case of trust issues
One that might be deadly.