Mother's Day is not a Jewish holiday; it's a brilliantly contrived marketing tool. But try telling that to my mother.

In fact, in my humble opinion, it's not a holiday at all; rather, it's a brilliantly contrived marketing tool that created a whole new reason for millions of us to transfer cash directly to Hallmark, flower shops, and hotels offering Sunday brunch specials.

But try telling this to my mother. She lives for Mother's Day. I suspect that she would not think it overdone if my brother and I somehow managed to stage the entire Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on her street, in her honor. (Well, maybe a little overdone.)

The truth is, though, even a cynic like me has to admit that a day set aside to honor mothers isn't a bad idea. It's really quite a good one.

Trite though it sounds, your mother gave you life. I guess I owe her a card after all.

But every day should really be Mother's Day. Each and every morning, we should pause for a moment and reflect on all that our mothers gave us. She carried us for nine months, got stretch marks, and then went through that whole labor thing. Trite though it sounds, your mother gave you life.

I guess I owe her a card after all.

Of late, some years after a decade-long mood swing left me surly and churlish from 12 to 22, I've come to a new appreciation of my mother.

It's something that everyone always tells you: "When you're older, you'll see how wise and wonderful your parents are." Alas, I am indeed older. And now, sometimes the sense of awe and gratitude I feel for my mother can be almost oppressive.

My mother is a real Jewish mother. I mean, really a Jewish mother.

Now, for reasons I've never quite figured out, that term -- Jewish mother -- is largely a negative one in American parlance. And I consider that astonishing.

I know what we're schooled on: The screechy shrew on Seinfeld (like, yeah right, George was Italian…...), Philip Roth's twisted caricatures, or the blue-haired joke punchline sitting in the dark because her son won't fly cross country to change a lightbulb. Could anything be further from the reality of Jewish motherhood?

An example: A friend here in Israel has a mother who is a proud and committed Zionist who is full of pride that her daughter has chosen to build her life in the Jewish state. Due to grandchildren and other commitments, there's no way she'd ever move here, but she tells everyone how much she sheps nachas from her "brave Israeli daughter."

One day, out of the blue, that mother tells her daughter to start looking at real estate listings in Jerusalem, reducing her daughter to tears. Her mother is going to help buy her an apartment. (In Israel, only the very wealthy are able to buy apartments without help from their families.)

My friend was dumbfounded.

While her mother is proud of her decision to live in Israel, they both know that she would like nothing better than for Proud Israeli Daughter to move home, preferably into a house right across the street. It's not that Mom cares any less about the Jewish state -- she just wants her daughter to be nearby. And it's not like her mother is a terribly wealthy woman. She was going to dip into the money she'd managed to save after a messy divorce.

"Why shouldn't I have the pleasure of watching you enjoy your inheritance?" the mother explained.

"But why?" asked her daughter.

"Because it would make you feel more settled," her mother said, in words clearly thought out. "And because then I would feel like I had some role in strengthening Israel too…... I would be helping you, but I would be helping the whole nation."

This benevolent gesture is one that is totally contrary to her own best interests: She would be helping her daughter put down roots thousands of miles away from her and making it that much more likely that her grandchildren would grow up far away from her. But she wanted to do it regardless, to help her daughter, and to take her part in building up the Jewish state.

That's a Jewish mother. Forget about the vile, misogynistic caricatures of Western pop culture. My friend's mother is a descendent of Sarah, of Rebecca, of the countless Jewish women who were women of faith and strength, of selflessness, who were focused on long-term goals -- and not just their own, but what was good for their children and, grandiose though it sounds, what was good for the Jewish nation, their extended family.

My mother's love can be suffocating.

On a recent visit to the states, I saw a movie with my parents in which the main character, a mother played by Jodie Foster, leans over her sleeping daughter and whispers something to the effect that she loves her so much that she can't breathe. My mother looked at me knowingly.

Like the paragon of a Jewish mother that she is, my mother's love can be suffocating. It is powerful and all-consuming; it is like a third presence when I am in a room with her. I know that there is nothing she would not do for me.

My mother has never claimed to be perfect, and we now have a running joke about she can't wait to come visit so she can irritate me. Half of the photos of every visit are of me rolling my eyes at her embarrassing me in one way or another.

And yet I can spend entire evenings telling friends stories of my mother…... not of her pratfalls or doofy statements (which she has in spades, of course), but of her valor, of her bravery, of the myriad ways in which she has filled the corners of my life with a sense of being loved, the way she has made me feel supported and believed in, the way she has given me the confidence to do things others couldn't, the strength she's given me to survive times more trying than I thought I could bear.

We are different in the extreme. She is someone who preferred bright pink lipstick where I go for muted browns, blue mascara (I joke not) when I wore none, who was a cheerleader when I was a feminist, who bursts into tears as soon as she sees me in an airport while I laugh and say, "Um, Mom, you're supposed to cry when I leave."

Her life hasn't been easy and she's made plenty of mistakes, but she raised me to be someone who could learn from them. And she was there to hold me when I still made the same ones.

She's been able to accept that the choices I've made in life aren't necessarily the ones she would have made, and they haven't always been ones that made her life any easier. But she's also made clear to me that, whether they're easy for her or not, she's proud of me.

I live half a world away from her, but not a day goes by that I don't feel a tug of longing for her, or a fleeting thought that I want to tell her something.

It's a strange truth that parents always love their kids more than the kids love their parents. They put so much into us, give us so much, that the bond they form with us is far deeper than anything we could feel back. It seems we can never appreciate them enough.

I still think that Mother's Day was created by Hallmark. But you know what? Mothers -- mine first among them -- deserve it, and how.

Visitor Comments: 15

I admit that I shed a tear reading this lovely little article. Your mother did a wonderful job raising a loving daughter like you and she has a right to be proud!

(14)
Anonymous,
May 20, 2003 12:00 AM

Mothers Day

Some of us did not get stretch marks from carrying our children, as we carried them in our hearts, during the long adoption process. We also give them life.

(13)
Nechama,
May 13, 2003 12:00 AM

Tell her how great she is

Thank you for the wonderful, humorous article.
My mother of blessed memory did so much for me and for my children. We had a good relationship but there is one thing I deeply regret; I never let her know how great I thought she was.
Before it's too late, give your mom sincere compliments. Remind her of things she did for you and of how much you appreciate her. Be specific so she'll know it's not just lip service.
All the best.

(12)
trudy hill,
May 12, 2003 12:00 AM

Re the article

HI, I enjoyed this letter about Jewish Mothers, I wonder if I sound like that. and if my children appreciate me as much as I would like them too. and do they think the same things. I wonder!!

(11)
Anonymous,
May 11, 2003 12:00 AM

sweetly obnoxious

We are jewish and live in South America and no matter who old I become, my mom in spanish "mi mama" is always looking and talking to me like the idishe mame she was, "sweetly obnoxious"...

Thit is the way an idishe mame was, is and will be..."

I think only mothers can explain the holy love feelings they have for their children

(10)
karen gorton-rigby,
July 1, 2002 12:00 AM

absolutely spot on your article moved me to tears, it reminded me that no matter how many arguments you have, you only ever have one mother. THANK YOU

(9)
Anonymous,
May 28, 2002 12:00 AM

joined "aish" for one reason... stayed for many

A friend sent me the "learn Jewish

history" form, knowing that I always

said I wanted to learn more fully. I

so enjoy your many sites, that I see I'll be learning a lot more. Thank you.

(8)
David S.,
May 21, 2002 12:00 AM

The real Monthe's Day started at Grafton, West Virginia

Your opening comments prompted me to do a quick web-search on the subject of mother's day. I must admit a large bit of bias, also, as my mother-in-law lives in Grafton, around a few corners from the site of the first Mother's Day celebration on May 10, 1908. The celebration was requested by Anna Jarvis in honor of her mother Ann Marie (Reeves) Jarvis. In 1914, President Wilson named the day a national holiday. You all are invited to visit Graftonand the Mother's Day Shrine. Quoting from rootsweb: "The Andrews Methodist Episcopal Church, the Mother Church of Mothers Day, became the International Mothers Day Shrine when it was incorporated on May 15, 1962. This beautiful, historic church, built in 1873, is located on Main Street in downtown Grafton, one mile south of the junction of Routes 50 and 119." The best web address I found for much information on Mother's Day is http://www.rootsweb.com/~wvtaylor/jarvis.htm. This page offers links to six informative pages.
The commercial interests certainly are quick to pick up on a good thing. The problem is that it sometimes makes it look like our holidays were created just for them.

(7)
Glori Kohlmann,
May 17, 2002 12:00 AM

A bit of Mother's Day history!!

Dear LIBA

I wish I had names and dates, but I learned on Mother's Day that the whole thing was started as a PEACE movement and an anti-war thing!! Do you believe it! It was right after the Civil War and one mother(I wish I had taken notes on the name!!)was fed up with seeing hers and others husbands, sons and brothers be taken off to war and all that means....The speaker said this lady (and they flashed a picture of her in her old age on the screen) was a turn of the century hippie! We all chuckled - she was realy old...and fiesty!She started a whole organization...

Then later in the 20th century another woman (sorry I have no left brain about names)carried the banner and and through her work, a president named Mother's Day a National Holiday...that woman...on her deathbed was protesting the commercialization of Mother's Day with her hospital room festooned with Hallmark Cards, flowers and balloons...she died in bitterness over it.

WHAT A PITY!!!

Like the article here, I love my mother
dearly...in fact my parents are traveling tomorrow to see our son graduate from high school....while she is donning a bandage from foot surgery...

Cards, flowers, hugs and kisses....not nearly ever enough.

Thank you so much for your article...I'll try to find exact names to send in...as my friends say its all "interesting.com"

Shalom dear Jerusalem
glori k.

PS No, I am not Jewish, but have Jewish relatives and have experienced the blessing of knowing real Jewish mothers.

(6)
Anonymous,
May 14, 2002 12:00 AM

Loved the article, especially paragraph 5, my dad still believes and says that "every day is mother's & father's day!"

(5)
Eve Collins,
May 13, 2002 12:00 AM

thanks for the smile and chuckle

I am so glad to read something with humor for a change. Yes, we have some very serious issues to contend with in this present world, but it was good to read with a smile and a chuckle. I can relate to the author. I say God bless all the wonderful mothers in the world.

(4)
Denise,
May 12, 2002 12:00 AM

Very moving

Everyone in our office is always rolling their eyes at me and the other dedicated Jewish mother who work there. When she was upset after one nasty comment, I pointed out to her that our company (a large public one) is owned by several Jews who also probably had mothers like us!

(3)
Anonymous,
May 12, 2002 12:00 AM

Sweet article!

My daughter had me read this article for Mother's Day. It was very moving.

Liba Pearson's mother has to be enormously proud of her daughter. The tears are still rolling down my face after reading this enchanting article. Thanks especially for addressing the ridiculous stereotype of the Jewish mother. Every mother should be blessed with such nochas from a daughter like Liba! WOW... a mother's day tribute shared with the world!

I live in rural Montana where the Cholov Yisrael milk is difficult to obtain and very expensive. So I drink regular milk. What is your view on this?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Jewish law requires that there be rabbinic supervision during the milking process to ensure that the milk comes from a kosher animal. In the United States, many people rely on the Department of Agriculture's regulations and controls as sufficiently stringent to fulfill the rabbinic requirement for supervision.

Most of the major Kashrut organizations in the United States rely on this as well. You will therefore find many kosher products in America certified with a 'D' next to the kosher symbol. Such products – unless otherwise specified on the label – are not Cholov Yisrael and are assumed kosher based on the DOA's guarantee.

There are many, however, do not rely on this, and will eat only dairy products that are designated as Cholov Yisrael (literally, "Jewish milk"). This is particularly true in large Jewish communities, where Cholov Yisrael is widely available.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein wrote that under limited conditions, such as an institution which consumes a lot of milk and Cholov Yisrael is generally unavailable or especially expensive, American milk is acceptable, as the government supervision is adequate to prevent non-kosher ingredients from being added.

It should be added that the above only applies to milk itself, which is marketed as pure cow's milk. All other dairy products, such as cheeses and butter, may contain non-kosher ingredients and always require kosher certification. In addition, Rabbi Feinstein's ruling applies only in the United States, where government regulations are considered reliable. In other parts of the world, including Europe, Cholov Yisrael is a requirement.

There are additional esoteric reasons for being stringent regarding Cholov Yisrael, and because of this it is generally advisable to consume only Cholov Yisroel dairy foods.

In 1889, 800 Jews arrived in Buenos Aires, marking the birth of the modern Jewish community in Argentina. These immigrants were fleeing poverty and pogroms in Russia, and moved to Argentina because of its open door policy of immigration. By 1920, more than 150,000 Jews were living in Argentina. Juan Peron's rise to power in 1946 was an ominous sign, as he was a Nazi sympathizer with fascist leanings. Peron halted Jewish immigration to Argentina, introduced mandatory Catholic religious instruction in public schools, and allowed Argentina to become a haven for fleeing Nazis. (In 1960, Israeli agents abducted Adolf Eichmann from a Buenos Aires suburb.) Today, Argentina has the largest Jewish community in Latin America with 250,000, though terror attacks have prompted many young people to emigrate. In 1992, the Israeli Embassy in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 32 people. In 1994, the Jewish community headquarters in Buenos Aires was bombed, killing 85 people. The perpetrators have never been apprehended.

Be aware of what situations and behaviors give you pleasure. When you feel excessively sad and cannot change your attitude, make a conscious effort to take some action that might alleviate your sadness.

If you anticipate feeling sad, prepare a list of things that might make you feel better. It could be talking to a specific enthusiastic individual, running, taking a walk in a quiet area, looking at pictures of family, listening to music, or reading inspiring words.

While our attitude is a major factor in sadness, lack of positive external situations and events play an important role in how we feel.

[If a criminal has been executed by hanging] his body may not remain suspended overnight ... because it is an insult to God (Deuteronomy 21:23).

Rashi explains that since man was created in the image of God, anything that disparages man is disparaging God as well.

Chilul Hashem, bringing disgrace to the Divine Name, is one of the greatest sins in the Torah. The opposite of chilul Hashem is kiddush Hashem, sanctifying the Divine Name. While this topic has several dimensions to it, there is a living kiddush Hashem which occurs when a Jew behaves in a manner that merits the respect and admiration of other people, who thereby respect the Torah of Israel.

What is chilul Hashem? One Talmudic author stated, "It is when I buy meat from the butcher and delay paying him" (Yoma 86a). To cause someone to say that a Torah scholar is anything less than scrupulous in meeting his obligations is to cause people to lose respect for the Torah.

Suppose someone offers us a business deal of questionable legality. Is the personal gain worth the possible dishonor that we bring not only upon ourselves, but on our nation? If our personal reputation is ours to handle in whatever way we please, shouldn't we handle the reputation of our nation and the God we represent with maximum care?

Jews have given so much, even their lives, for kiddush Hashem. Can we not forego a few dollars to avoid chilul Hashem?

Today I shall...

be scrupulous in all my transactions and relationships to avoid the possibility of bringing dishonor to my God and people.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...