In Defense of Opening Up the Ex-Files: 6 Reasons Why Talking About Your Exes Isn't a Bad Idea

When starting to date a new guy, one rule to which many people adhere is keeping your lips zipped about your exes, and to not ask about his, either. Sure, when you're just starting to feel someone out, you don't exactly want your first words to be about the one who got away. But as I continue to meet new guys, I'm starting to think breaching the forbidden topic sooner rather than later is actually a good idea...and here's why.

So, you're cognizant of that whole, "Don't mention my ex, don't talk about his" thing for date number one, and probably number two, too. Soooo...uh, when is the right time, then? Having the ex convo sooner rather than later gets that awkward moment out of the way, and lets you move forward on you two without having to pause and look backwards when you've already got momentum.

2. You can find out a lot about him by the way he talks about them.

Ever noticed when your friend gets kinda bitter and snippy whenever her ex's name comes up? That just might be 'cause she's not over him. And if the guy you're starting to see starts getting snide and flippant when talking about his dating history, that may mean he has some baggage, too—baggage that you don't want getting in the way later should you fall for him. On the flip side, if has thoughtful, even tender things to say about the ladies in his past, there's a good chance you're actually dating a mature dude. (And hooray! They exist!)

3. You'll get a pulse on where he is mentally, and what he actually wants.

It's one thing to ask someone what he wants, wherein he gets to stop, think and curate his answer, but hearing him talk about what he liked and disliked about his past relationships can actually give you a better idea of whether he's looking for a real relationship, more of a hookup buddy or something else.

4. You'll have more realistic expectations of his actions.

Start sensing a pattern with why his past relationships ended? Then you'll know what to look out for; for instance, if you're getting the vibe that he's a commitment-phobe and he seems to start pulling away, you won't waste time asking yourself, What did I do? Or, if you find out he hasn't had a ton of dating experience, you might have a bit more explanation of why he seems so nervous, or why you haven't kissed yet.

5. You can figure out if you're after the same things.

*Maybe he says, "My ex wasn't into the idea of moving out of the city" or "We weren't on the same page about how often we spent time together." Poof: there's a ton of info on what he's looking for, and you'll have more insight into your compatibility. *6. You can figure out what you're actually looking for.

Once he tells you about his exes, he's going to ask about yours. This'll get you thinking about the best parts of your past relationships (and the worst, too), and will help you figure out if you have any lingering feelings or unresolved issues that might get in the way of going full-speed ahead with a new guy.

So, sure, maybe my approach is a bit untraditional, but I'm a firm believer in testing the conversational waters and finding the right words and timing to tell me what I want to know about a new guy.

Would you be brave enough to bring up exes in the first couple of dates, or is that not your style? If not, when—if ever—do you tend to have the conversation?