Thursday, February 6, 2014

Will Germany Fire Witch Doctor?

A Boston Blickbild Exclusive

Germany's witch doctor, Dr. Mabongo, has come under fire. Rumours are floating around that he will be let go for allowing two Swedish skiers to win races this season. Dr. Mabongo was supposed to have cursed Sweden with zero victories as a punishment for kidnapping him (see this story). One of our intrepid reporters was sent to Sochi to get the real story about Dr. Mabongo. The German women's technical trainer, Christian Schwaiger, talked to our reporter about the rumours surrounding Dr. Mabongo. Let's find out what he has to say.

BB: The German Ski Association (DSV) hired Dr. Mabongo last season to work with both Lena Duerr and Maria Hoefl-Riesch. (see this story)Schwaiger: That's right. During last year's World Championships he also worked with our men's team. After the World Championships Dr. Mabongo started working with the full German women's team. BB: So you must have been satisfied with him at first?Schwaiger: He wasn't perfect, but we wanted to give him some time to adjust from being in the darkest jungles of the Congo to Europe. We knew it would take some time for his magic to work and it did just in time for the World Championships in Schladming. The DSV was very happy when Maria Hoefl-Riesch won three medals in Schladming last year and Felix Neureuther won two. We attributed a lot of the German team's success in Schladming to Dr. Mabongo, especially Fritz Dopfer's spectacular run in the team competition that gave Germany a bronze medal. BB: Sweden obviously heard about Dr. Mabongo's success with Germany because it was a Swedish skier who kidnapped him in Schladming. Schwaiger: That's right. Germany was the first team to acquire a witch doctor and the other teams were watching us closely to see how having one would affect the racers. Sweden thought it would take the lazy way and steal our witch doctor instead of getting one of its own. BB: Last season Lena Duerr won the Moscow City Event and Maria was second in the overall World Cup standings. This season Maria is leading the overall standings and has a good chance of winning the overall Crystal Globe. So why would you think of getting rid of Dr. Mabongo? Schwaiger: Despite Maria's success this season, we felt like Dr. Mabongo's powers are starting to weaken. BB: Can you give our readers an example?Schwaiger: The first hint was in Soelden, when Maria failed to finish the giant slalom race. She made a basic technical error.BB: But Viktoria Rebensburg finished 3rd in Soelden this seaaon, redeeming herself from last year's DNF. Schwaiger: That is true. But Viktoria won in Soelden in 2010 and was second in 2011. This season Viktoria also had a bad case of bronchitis, which we think was caused by an opposing team's witch doctor putting a curse on her. When Dr. Mabongo was in his prime, he would have easily been able to counteract that curse. BB: There were rumours going around Kranjska Gora that Dr. Mabongo created the bad weather with one of his spells in order to keep Maria in the overall World Cup lead. Schwaiger: That is gossip that the tabloids made up to make him look good. From what I have seen from Dr. Mabongo and the other witch doctors, none of them can control the weather. BB: I see. (short pause) Dr. Mabongo is in a tight race with France's Dr. Djibuku for best witch doctor this season. He can't be that bad.Schwaiger: Dr. Mabongo let two Swedish skiers win races this year, which means that he is losing his power to fully curse other racers. It was bad enough that Jessica Lindell-Vikarby won the Beaver Creek GS race. But last weekend Frida Hansdotter got her first World Cup win in Kranjska Gora. As everyone knows, Frida was the one who kidnapped Dr. Mabongo in Schladming. Frida not only won that race, the German woman had a dismal performance. That was practically unforgiveable!BB: I can understand how the DSV must have felt after Kranjska Gora. Did anyone confront Dr. Mabongo and ask him how he could have allowed Frida to win the race?Schwaiger: One of the other trainers talked to Dr. Mabongo. He told the trainer that he thought that Frida was so sad when she cried in court about not winning a race. It broke his heart to see such a pretty woman crying. Dr. Mabongo also said that Frida was very nice to him when she kidnapped him. She fed him chocolate and other Western junk foods that he had never tried. Unfortunately, when we got him back, he wanted to eat those foods all the time. BB: Do you think that Dr. Mabongo losing his powers is related to his newfound taste for Western junk food? They don't have chocolate and chips in the Congo. Schwaiger: We have done our best to order the foods that Dr. Mabongo was used to eating in the Congo. But sometimes the mail is slow and it takes a while to get some of his favorite non-perishable foods. We tried a supplier in Berlin and another in Munich, but Dr. Mabongo said that the Congolese foods from them didn't taste right. In the meantime, we have been feeding him the same foods that the skiers eat. But somehow he still finds a way to get chocolate, cookies, and chips (crisps for our UK readers) for himself. Dr. Mabongo may be small, but he still has to eat. I just wish he would stick to the healthy foods that the skiers eat.BB: If you were to get rid of Dr. Mabongo, how would you get another witch doctor for your team? The Congo stopped issuing witch doctor visas. Schwaiger: That is a good question. We have not made a decision yet about firing Dr. Mabongo. We will wait until after the Olympics or the end of the season. Then the DSV will make a decision. We hope that the Congo will start reissuing witch doctor visas. Otherwise, we may end up auctioning Dr. Mabongo on e-Bay or trading him for another team's witch doctor. Norway has expressed interest in giving our team a lifetime supply of ojlmsfjaegger for Dr. Mabongo (note to our newer readers: Ojlmsfjaegger are pickled reindeer hearts covered in a special smoked salmon and chocloate sauce. They are eaten in Norway on birthdays). If there are no takers, we will have to send him back to the Congo. Perhaps we can trade him in for a different witch doctor. BB: How does Dr. Mabongo feel about the possibility of being sent back to the Congo?Schwaiger: He does not wish to go back and will do anything possible to stay in Europe.BB: Do you think that the experiment of having a witch doctor failed?Schwaiger: Not at all! The French men's technical team is having great success with its witch doctor. France wishes it got itself a witch doctor for the women's team before the Congo stopped issuing visas. Other teams have come to us asking how they can get a witch doctor. If we do end up getting another witch doctor, we will have to keep him away from the junk food. BB: In light of Dr. Mabongo's powers fading, will he still work with both the men's and women's teams in Sochi?Schwaiger: Yes. This will be his big chance to prove himself. But no matter what happens, Germany will forever be the team that introduced team witch doctors to the World Cup. We are a trend setter!BB: Let's hope that everything works out well for both the German team and Dr. Mabongo in Sochi and for the rest of the season. Well, Herr Schwaiger, it looks like our time is up. I want to wish the German team success in Sochi and for the remainder of the World Cup season. And that concludes another Boston Blickbild exclusive interview.