I'm back and I did it without God!

I wanted to share with you my last few weeks, and why I couldn't even bring myself to doing the things I enjoyed in life for a bit. Really I crawled into a hole and thought about dying for awhile, but I'm back with a new respect for life.

I don't want to share too much of my dirty laundry, but basically my husband and I were doing really bad. The "D" word came up. Two days later I went to the doctor for an unusual sore that wouldn't heal and what I thought was swollen glands and an infection. After weeks of waiting I've gone from thinking I might have cancer to I probably have cancer. Yeah, I have several tumors, a sore that still won't heal, and purple splotches on both legs. I got an MRI today and I'll find out in a couple days (I won't leave ya' hanging). I actually told my husband that I was so upset about our marriage and him not loving me that I just wanted it to be cancer so I could die...yeah, that bad.

My husband and I have been going to counseling. You see, early in our marriage he went to church with me to "save" our marriage. Obviously we've strayed from that path.. I'm here, and he's a spiritual agnostic I guess. I was crippled, I could barely function but then I did it!

I stood up, wiped off the tears and got busy. It's been a month since we started counseling. it's been very eye-opening. I've taken it all in. I realize my part in the degeneration of our marriage. I didn't give him respect, I didn't show him how valuable the marriage was, and I didn't live up to my potential. I'm working on it. We're dating again, it's not perfect but it's getting better and I see it as hopeful.

So far as the cancer scare goes, I've decided that I need to keep going. I have two beautiful daughters, my husband is still here and quite frankly I'm happy with my life other than these couple storms. And for the first time I changed without "god", I did it myself and I'm proud of that. I just wanted to share and to say I've missed this forum and I"M BACK!

I wanted to update on my condition. I had lymph node biopsied in the hospital on Thursday and should have the results tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm hoping it's nothing but based on other symptoms and the radiologist's opinion I'm worried. In any event I'm just glad I'm seeing the right doctors, and I just want to know what's going on. Things are much better with my husband and I, I'm working and keeping myself busy to keep my mind off of all the bad. I have a lot to live for.

That's great things are better with your relationship with your husband and that you have good doctors. I'm hoping for your biopsy results are negative (oh that sounds backwards). Well you know what I mean. Keep us posted. Wishing you the best.

The result of the biopsy was "insufficient sample size"..lol, it figures. Anyhow, I'm scheduled to see a rheumatologist tomorrow morning and the biopsy was rescheduled as an excisional biopsy for March 14th. More waiting, but at least it's scheduled.

I'm doing better, thanks. Looks like I have lupus, I had an excisional biopsy and the mass was not cancerous (yay!) but was unusual. I'm still waiting for a difinitive diagnosis, although the symptoms and bloodwork seem to point to an autoimmune disorder like lupus or sarcoidosis. Thanks for all the thoughts, I'm hoping to be back to my healthy self soon.

I am glad to hear it's not cancer. I have lost several family members to it. Good that you are taking a more positive approach and not let life grind you down. It goes to show that one can make the most of the life they have...without the religious garbage.

Your story spoke to me; we have a lot of situational similarities and I can see myself in your place. Stay positive, do what you can to stay healthy, and I hope things work out in the best way for you! (And marriage sure is a lot of work sometimes, isn't it? I think all of us married folk can testify to that.)