Heavy’s Guide To The Hottest New Year’s Parties

It’s the last day of the year, and you know what that means: all of your town’s party planners are pulling out all the stops to throw the biggest shindig of the year. But there’s nothing worse than ending up at a New Year’s Eve party run by some half-ass with a jug of Polish vodka and a can of frozen orange juice, so as a public service we’ve talked to nightlife experts all over the country and prepared a list of the hottest parties in America tonight. Interested? Read on!

Brooklyn, NY – Pay $40 to hang out in a drafty warehouse in Bushwick with a bunch of hipsters who wish they were someplace else, listening to a horrible band with a semi-hot Asian chick in it while some guy who used to be a hippie projects slides on the ceiling with an overhead projector. The bar runs out of alcohol at 7PM and you tell all of your friends who didn’t go that it was the best party ever.

Los Angeles, CA – Some Filipino guy paid for like six hookers in a motel room in West Hollywood. To get in, knock four times and slide a $20 under the door. The flyer’s printed kinda badly so I can’t really tell you if the hookers are male or female, but it should be an adventure!

Parma, OH – Steve Prezbilewski’s brother has a new band together that plays Warrant, Ratt, Whitesnake – none of that grunge crap. They’re going to be practicing in Steve’s mom’s garage until 8PM. You can get some beers after that if you want.

Washington, DC – President Obama is going to throw a huge rager. The guest list is pretty tight, but flash the secret sign to the agent with the sunglasses and you’ll get in. No baggy shirts, gang colors or Palin family members.

New York, NY – A group of Goldman Sachs bankers are using some of their bonuses to throw a catered black tie event at Cipriaini’s. Since that money in part came from the federal bank bailout paid for by your tax money, you already bought a ticket. Go nuts!

Fargo, ND – All residents are already asleep until early March. If you’re passing through, feel free to go through their personal possessions for jewelry or drugs.

Seattle, WA – Local club the Bleak Hole is having it’s fifteenth annual “Grunge Isn’t Dead” bash. Aging flannel-shirted burnouts will “mosh” to the jams of Superass, Candlebox and a supergroup featuring members of Candlebox and Superass.

Chicago, IL – Huge loft party at Kanye West’s house. Probably going to be the best of all time. No, seriously, it says that on the flyer.

World of Warcraft – Because we all know that’s what you’re probably going to be doing anyway.