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Basketball Wives: Season four, episode three

By M.T. Wiseman

On this episode of Basketball Wives, Suzie is embarrassing, Tami has a glam squad and Kenya’s video is everyone’s business.

In this publicity image released by VH1, from left,Jennifer Williams, Royce Reed, Erikka Moxam, Shaunie O'Neal, Evelyn Lozada, Suzie Ketchem and Gloria Govan pose together to promote their reality series, "Basketball Wives," airing on VH1.
(Presscott McDonald - ASSOCIATED PRESS)
Tami says she’s meeting with Evelyn in Miami to talk about the rumors that have been circulating about Evelyn’s relationship with Chad. Wait so they’re not in New York anymore? I’m confused. “I just can’t catch a break Evelyn says.” “I was like what in the hell,” Tami says. “This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read.”

What is Tami reading? Outside of maybe Word Up! Magazine and the occasional bathroom stall, does anyone believe that Tami actually reads? I’m going to assume she and Sarah Palin have similar reading lists. “Chad is a ath-a-lete.” Tami says. “The man is not going to live like he’s a hermit. He’s going to interact with other women.” Tami should know. This woman she’s giving advice to openly admitted to “interacting” with Tami’s ex-husband.

“Tami tells me not to pay attention to what the press says,” Evelyn says. Okay, can we stop? Who is the press? Brian Williams? Oprah Winfrey? Woodward and Bernstein? What press is spreading rumors about these two F-list celebrities? Someone please tell Evelyn that what some 13-year-old writes on Facebook, does not constitute actual “press.” No one cares.

“I told him, ‘it’s you and me in this house,’” Evelyn says. “My daughter’s upstairs. This is her home.” Her daughter is upstairs yet she loudly launches F-bombs and talks about how good her [expletive] is. That’s motherly.

In the next scene, Evelyn is magically back in New York and meeting with Kenya, Kesha and Suzie. They’re not even trying to make this show believable. “My first impression of Kesha is she looks like she has a little style,” Evelyn says. “Really thin…really thin.” I think Evelyn smells competition. “And Kenya,” Evelyn says. “Her weave looks like a wig. It’s leaning.” Evelyn is apparently the weave police. She should arrest her wedding planner.

The restaurant where the women are meeting has a scenic view of the city. “That kind of looks like a penis,” Suzie says as she points to the Empire State Building. “Can Suzie go an evening without talking about penis? Kesha asks. I don’t know, but I’d hate to see what would happen if these women ever came to D.C. Suzie would probably be scaling the Washington Monument like King Kong.

Officer Evelyn begins interviewing Kesha and Kenya. “So you were a dancer right,”she asks Kesha. “I own my own dance company,” Kesha says. “We do live shows.” She sounds really nervous. Kesha says in an interview that she appreciated Evelyn’s openness.”

“She didn’t make me feel like I was trying to impress her.” Well, from my end of the sofa, it sounded like Kesha was indeed trying to impress Evelyn. She sounded like she was on a job interview with the CEO of Groupie Enterprises.

The CEO moves on to Kenya. “And you’re a singer right,” Evelyn asks. Kenya confirms and tells Evelyn that she’s been sick all week and is unable to sing at the moment. The conversation quickly shifts to Kenya’s YouTube videos. “Suzie showed me your YouTube,” Evelyn says. Kenya blushes. “What did you think about it,” Evelyn asks Kesha. Really? “It looked like a long list of people doing “Single Ladies,” Kesha says.

Evelyn tells Kenya that her video needs to be sexier and that even Royce has more sex appeal. Ouch. “After I told her, her YouTube sucked and she wasn’t sexy, she took it well and I felt bad,” Evelyn says. Is she serious? Who died and made Evelyn Simon Cowell? Why does she care so much about what Kenya is doing?

If this was the “Who is More Desperate to Marry an Athlete”show, then hey, Evelyn could give Kim Kardashian a run for her money. But until then, go somewhere and sit down Evelyn. Kenya thanks Evelyn for being straight up with her. In an interview, Evelyn says that Kenya is sweet but seems a little off. “There’s something brewing in there,” Evelyn says. “I just haven’t figured it out.”

This is the woman who went on national television and told her fiancé to go to the pharmacy to buy condoms before he cheats on her. But Kenya is the one who is off. Okay girl.

Kenya is holding auditions for her alleged music video. “I really need dancers because Kesha says she’s backing out and not providing dancers,” Kenya says. Kesha and Royce walk in and sit at a table with some lady and the guy from Kenya’s entourage who looks like an MC Serch and Sally Jesse Raphael hybrid. Kenya begins giving this bizarre commencement speech before the auditions begin.

“Kesha was talking to me and saying she didn’t know if this video is legit,” Kenya says. “In the last 24 hours, we worked together to get people here. I just got to New York like two or three weeks ago. People believed in me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.” She tears up. I’ll admit, I had to rewind this scene a couple of times because LaWanda was hungry and we went to the kitchen for some Doritos. I had no idea what was going on. I thought this was some type of audition for ‘The Color Purple.’

In an interview, Royce mocks Kenya’s tears. “And the award goes to Kenya Bell,” Royce says. Kesha tells Kenya that she found her speech offensive. “I wanted to help you because that’s my job,” she says. “You were coming to me for my expertise.”

Now Kesha, let’s not get it twisted. Your job is to be on this show and your expertise is to sit around in contrived situations and gossip with other washed up groupies. Don’t act like you’re Valerie Jarrett all of a sudden. “That’s just straight disrespectful,” Kesha says.

MC Sally Jesse is thoroughly confused. The other lady looks like she wants to crawl away. “I don’t know why you’re upset,” Kenya says. I can never tell when Kesha is upset because she has the exact same expression all the time. Her face never moves. She needs to take a class on fang baring and angry nostril expansion from Evelyn.

“I’m sitting right here Kesha says. What is this? I thought we were going to see dance auditions. Had I known this scene was just going to be more 15-year-old girl drama, I would’ve stayed in the kitchen with LaWanda. “I’m pretty much done with her,” Kesha says. I’m pretty much done with both of them.

Royce and Tami meet with Kesha to talk about Kenya behind her back. “I definitely think Kesha and I have the same mindset on how Kenya’s audition went,” Royce says. Man, Kenya stays on these women’s minds doesn’t she? “I think I’ll just keep my distance from her,” Kesha says. Too bad you’ve already signed a contract to be on television with her.

“Now if Kenya gives me all that attitude that she gave Royce and Kesha, I will be in the wind,” Tami says. She’ll likely be three sheets to the wind somewhere. “With that bad weave and [expletive] up clothes,” she says.

Okay, I guess Shaunie has kicked Tami a few bucks to get some braids and a couple of new jackets, so she’s acting brand new. It wasn’t too long ago that her basement weaves and Rainbow Plus wardrobe were the topic of conversation with the original cast. She looked like Tina Yothers on those unfortunate last few seasons of Family Ties. I guess she thinks she’s a fashion plate now.

Kesha asks Tami to attend a benefit for her friend who had a brain tumor. Tami says she’ll come because her aunt died of cancer. “I’m going to invite everyone and see what happens,” Kesha says. “Drama is just a part of the course,” Tami says. I think she means par for the course. Stay in school kids.

Royce asks Tami how her daughters are doing. “We just trying to keep the train moving,” Tami says. Boxcar Willie indeed. “What I think they need to work on is their dancing,” she says. “In my opinion, they can’t dance.” Tami asks Royce in a roundabout way if she’ll help her daughters with their dancing. “And you can swing through too,” she tells Kesha. “I feel like Tami is a little more abrasive than I like,” Kesha says. That’s putting it mildly.

Evelyn, her sister Sylvia and Evelyn’s daughter go to the spa. Sylvia says that she hasn’t had her nails done in about six months. “Oh my God, are you serious,”Evelyn asks. I’m sure Evelyn’s head would explode if she found out some people in this world go several days without food.

Sylvia says that it’s difficult because she’s taking care of her children and her ill husband. “We’re trying to work on getting him a nurse or a home health aide,” she says. “We’re both thinking he might not make it to my wedding. I can’t believe that’s even a priority.

Royce and her publicist meet with representatives from a charity named Preserve Our Legacy. The organization aims to get more minorities to donate bone marrow. For some reason, they think having Royce host their banquet is a good idea. “Because you’re so thin and healthy and pretty,” one woman says. “You can spread the word about it.” Have these people watched this show? It would have been better just to buy an ad somewhere than have their cause represented on this circus. Royce says that she’ll try to get as many people involved as possible. Whatever.

Commercials. Basketball Wives is sponsored by Advil. How appropriate.

Evelyn, Shaunie and Tami meet Kesha and Kenya. “I am so excited for this day,” Evelyn says. She obviously has a very boring life. “I like to give everybody a chance,” Shaunie says. “I do too,” Evelyn says. Not really, but she has to agree with whatever her boss says. All these women are Shaunie’s toadies. I’m excited to meet Shaunie,” Kesha says. See? Kenya and Kesha walk in. Evelyn, Shaunie and Tami sit together on one side of the table like some type of triumvirate of unemployed ogres.

“I was talking about y’all when you walked in the door,” Tami says. Shut up. The triumvirate begin interviewing Kenya and Kesha. Kenya says she’s working on a video. The ogres ask Kesha her opinion on Kenya’s audition. “It was interesting,” Kesha says. “I was offended by Kenya, but I don’t think this is the place.” Oh man, not this again.

“Okay, apple pie face,” Kenya says. The ogres get excited and ask Kenya what that phrase means. “It’s just an endearment like boo-boo,” Kenya says. There are some low guttural sounds and grunts from the ogres. “Kenya and I have a miscommunication going on,” Kesha says. Kenya tells Kesha that she’s getting carried away. “You don’t want to piss me off,” Kenya says. In that moment, Kenya kind of scared me. I heard she can get pretty creative with sharp utensils. I think Kesha was a little afraid of her too. The stupid argument between Kenya and Kesha goes on for a few more minutes and the ogres stir the pot. “That’s some real hard core [expletive],” Evelyn says.

Kenya meets with Tami to discuss her video. I’m so sick of this plotline, but at least they’re not screaming, fighting and otherwise acting like animals…for once. Kenya asks Tami if she can pick her brain. This should be a short meeting.

“As far as imaging is concerned for me,” Kenya says. “I think that’s where you can help me a little bit on.” Kenya wants image advice from this woman? “The package has to be better than the talent,” Tami says. “Since you’re doing it independently, now you got to put together the glam squad.”

What? Amel Larrieux is an independent artist. She doesn’t have a glam squad. I guess that’s because she has talent. And a job. “I will help you,” Tami says. Oh man. Retreat Kenya. Retreat! “That’s love,” Kenya says. Tami says it’s just like. “There’s something in the back of my mind that has me on pause just a tinge,” Tami says. “I’m going to see what we can accomplish, if anything.”

That something in the back of Tami’s mind is probably a court appointed attorney advising her that if she flicks off again on somebody, she’s going to find herself in somebody’s prison.

Kesha and Suzie attend Royce’s charity event. Suzie is excited by the full bar. Kesha rehashes the same tired news about her falling out with Kenya. “I like you more now that I know that you don’t like her,” Suzie says. I’m always surprised when I remember how old these women are. Kenya walks in and speaks to Kesha and Suzie.

Royce takes the stage and begins her speech. “Just to know that I can register and be a part of saving a life,” Royce says as she gets emotional. I see no tears. She’s pretty much acting the same way she was mocking Kenya about.

Suzie begins playing on her cell phone. “This is boring,” she says loudly. Kenya shushses her. Can I have a spring roll,” Suzie asks the bartender. Kesha also tells Suzie that she’s too loud.

Royce gets an award. I’m not sure what for. Suzie shouts something. Kesha says Suzie’s behavior is making her nervous because Suzie has been invited to Kesha’s upcoming event. “Suzie was drunk and she was loud and I was ready for her to go,” Royce says. Me too.

What would make the people at Preserve Our Legacy think that these female humanoids are worthy of representing their cause? If anything, seeing these fools act the way they do would deter people from supporting any cause they’re involved with. Maybe that’s why the place is empty.

Kenya meets with Tami and her “glam squad.” The glam squad consists of two evil looking women and some dude who sort of looks like an unpleasant and effeminate Chuckii Booker. He calls himself Carter La’ More. When you make up your last name, you should at least spell it correctly. Even Chad knows that.

Little Chuckii is wearing a fur shawl. Kenya introduces herself to everyone. She tells them that her photographs are on a flash drive and then proceeds to play her music on a portable CD player for this Garanimal Panel.

“I was very offended that Kenya came like that,” Tami says. “You can’t go into meetings like that,” she tells Kenya. “My laptop conked out on me,” Kenya says. “You need to let us do something about that hair,” one of the pillars of evil says. “It’s too much for your face,” Little Chuckii says. Little Chuckii is too much for my screen. “You look like one of our aunties,” says another Garanimal.

This busted group of people has a lot of nerve. Every last one of them looks like they’re on lunch break from Marshalls. If it weren’t for Kenya and this stupid storyline she’s agreed to, they’d still be putting clearance tags on all the defective merchandise at their jobs. So maybe I should be blaming Kenya for this foolishness. She really doesn’t seem to take this manufactured plotline all that seriously and neither do I.

The Garanimal Panel asks Kenya to dance. “And take off that Morticia jacket,” one of the pillars of evil says. Kenya does something. I don’t know if it’s dancing. “I can dance but I can’t dance in this,” she says. “You need BoomKat to whip you into shape,” one of them says.

I’m assuming that’s the name of some type of choreographer. I guess a name, like Judith Jamison or Michael Peters isn’t classy enough. “Y’all know her,” Kenya asks excitedly. “I would love to work with BoomKat.” The Garanimal Panel doesn’t quite answer yes. They just growl a little. Their lunch break is probably over and Little Chuckii has to work the lay away register. Once she figures out how to open the door, Kenya finally escapes.

Tami finally meets with a therapist. There are things I keep locked up inside,” Tami says. We’re shown flashbacks of Tami’s violence against other cast members. “I don’t want to be mad all the time,” she says. Tami tells the therapist that she’s been raped, beaten up and tortured. “That’s why I’m big on my personal space, because I’ve been violated so many times,” she says.

Here’s my thing. As horrible as those things may be, they give Tami absolutely no excuse to violently attack people who have not put their hands on her. If that were the case, there would be a long line of dead people in Jaycee Dugard’s wake.

Call me cynical, but since former cast member, Meeka Claxton is suing Tami for assaulting her last season, the timing of this therapy session seems a little too convenient. “I wonder who is taking care of you,” the therapist says. “Who takes care of Tami?” Before this show came around, I believe it was the government. “I try to be an example for my kids,” Tami says. I have no words for that.

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