Where Stuff Gets Rated

Tag: 3.1

These are pretend times bacon bits. There’s no bacon in them. I think they were vegan, actually. We always had these in the house the house when I was a kid, in fact, this and bananas might have been the only vegan things we ever had in the house when I was a kid, since cookies have eggs in them. I think the plan was to put them on salads, but we never actually ate salads, so I usually just poured them out of the bottle into my mouth. They weren’t bad. 3.1/5

Mrs. Beakley was either the nanny or the maid on Ducktales, depending on what whoever was writing the episode that day thought she was. She works for Scrooge McDuck for no money, just room and board. I hope she’s okay to quit if she wants, or she is definitely a slave. She has astonishingly huge Boobs for a duck. 3.1/5

There’s a distressing trend in modern times to interpret whimsy as cuteness. Which is not the case. To be whimsical is to be driven by your whims. To act immediately to fulfill your immediate wants, rising from your chaotic brainscape. Do you decide what you want? No. You just want it. To act, mostly at random, with no goal other than to slake your momentary lusts: this is the essence of whimsy. So yeah, Winnie the Pooh is pretty whimsical, but not in the way you were thinking. 3.1/5

A sorcerer is a wizard who never went to school. More oomph and less nuance. But there is a really fun thing you can do with them that every time they cast a spell they have to roll on something called a wild magic table, which summons an unpredictable effect, like casting the spell “grease” on yourself, or changing your gender permanently, or being only able to scream instead of talk. I couldn’t actually find an effect that summons corgis, but there is one that summons unicorns, and I guess you could polymorph the unicorn into a corgi. That’s the beauty of D&D: if you need there to be corgis, eventually the DM will have you roll for corgis. 3.1/5

This is a quit-smoking aid. It has a slightly better success rate than nothing, but it costs significantly more. I didn’t need it to quit smoking, and I have the willpower of an exceptionally sleepy and vice-riddled sloth. All it takes is promising your daughter you’d quit and having a deep and abiding sense of shame. Chantix does list extraordinarily vivid dreams and synesthesia among its side effects, so it might be worth it for that alone. 3.1/5

If someone gave you one of these and you’d never had one before, and they asked you to guess what flavor it was, you would not guess “nacho cheese.” They don’t taste anything like nacho cheese. They taste like nacho cheese Doritos. I’m not saying they’re bad–they’re fine–they just aren’t based on any existing food’s flavor. 3.1/5

This story, attributed to Ernest Hemingway for no real reason, is sometimes called a six-word novel. That’s pretty generous. The reader has to write the entire plot in their head to find out someone has been shoplifting baby shoes. Not like my six word novel: Just then, a monster ate Paris. 3.1/5