Smart-Ass Answers to Meddling Questions About Why You’re Not Married Yet

Dear Aunt Kathy: Mind your own business

Whether you’re single or with a longtime partner, well-meaning friends, relatives and complete strangers always feel the need to weigh in on your non-married status. (The shame! The shame!) Here are some foolproof ways to cut the conversation short and forge ahead with your life of “sin.”

Aunt Margaret asks: When are you going to find a nice guy?You answer: I put flyers all around town, so fingers crossed!

Uncle Hank asks: Think you’ll ever settle down?You answer: I will when you married folks make it look more appealing.

Your accountant says: You know, there are some major tax advantages to marriage.You answer: Oh, and here I was just going for the tax advantages of restoring an historic barn.

Your friend Lisa yells (while tossing her bouquet): You’re next!You answer: Ah! It burns! (then drop the bouquet and book it out of there to find the nearest bar)

Your mom’s friend Nancy asks: I heard you have a new beau--is he the one?You answer: Yes, and I’ve already put together our 15-year plan. Wedding in Mexico, four kids whose names all start with J, big house in the country, three cars--you name it, I’ve planned it. Would you like to see my PowerPoint presentation?

Your boyfriend’s dad asks: When are you kids going to tie the knot?You answer: We completely forgot to tell you--we set a date! February 30!

Your 17-year-old cousin muses: Being single at your age must be hard.You answer: It really is a hardship. I accept cash or check donations. Tell your parents.