…a blog of mostly made up statistics

Post navigation

Bears Eat Babies

Hey, so you know how babies are awesome, but giving birth to them is terrible?

(Um, can we all just take a moment to appreciate that that is the best opening sentence that has ever been typed anywhere on the internets)

Well friends, my sister has cracked the baby code. Being the responsible, business savvy woman that she is she has outsourced the whole pregnancy part! Whoa, wait, that sounds horrible…let’s start this over.

My sister and her husband are awesome people and they are adopting…AGAIN!!! And this is my adoption post! So some of you are probably saying “But Tracy, you already wrote a post about adoption” (which you can find here), and those people are right, but the plan has changed, which you should already know…please be better about reading my unvocalized thoughts. Originally they were adopting a little girl from China, and that is still happening but there is a huge need in Oklahoma for adoptive parents and so Lauren and Reid were all “Hell yeah, we like babies and we raise awesome kids, so we will totally step up!”

And thus, we have Benjamin, my newest almost nephew!!!

So here is where I convince you to help, using the sheer power of my incredible brain. Get ready, because it’s going to be impressive…

So you know how babies are squishy and cool, but they have no survival skills? I mean, Mowgli turned out okay, but I think we can all agree that case was an isolated incident, because typically bears eat rather than dance with babies. (Did I just write bears eat babies…I feel a little bad about that; I wonder if you google ‘Do bears find babies delicious’ if I will come up as a source? Dare to dream.) It’s for this reason that babies typically need parents. Now, babies are also a huge responsibility, and not everybody has the free time to just be taking in kids and keeping them alive for 18-30 years. But don’t you fret because Lauren and Reid are willing to raise them so you don’t have to feel guilty about not being able to adopt Benjamin. So thank you Lauren and Reid, I appreciate you enabling me to go out whenever I want and sleep for 8 uninterrupted hours! Thank you for taking in that baby so I didn’t have to! You two are life savers!

But NEWSFLASH, adopting babies is an expensive game. Thus comes the tricky fundraising paragraph. CALM DOWN, it won’t be painful. All you have to do to save a freaking baby is go to this sight and buy this legit shirt. Then you can have the joy of wearing said shirt-o-awesome and telling people, “Oh this old thing, I got it saving orphans. Yeah, I know I’m a hero but I don’t like to brag about my heroism…you know, saving orphans. Orphans really need to be saved because apparently bears find them delicious. But that’s why I’m such a hero, because I saved an orphan from a bear. It’s no big deal, it’s just who I am. A bear-fighting baby-saver.” And then they will throw roses at your feet, for you are a champion of humanity!

If you need me to I can phrase it like one of those Facebook chain letters that try to guilt you into liking and sharing their post. Here goes: “Buy a shirt, unless you don’t care about babies, or Jesus, or the troops, or…puppies probably. Are you feeling guilty enough yet? If not I can play that Sarah McLaughlin song from the abused animal commercials? Hah, I knew that would work. Those commercials are like kryptonite for the soul and nobody ever wants to see it again. So, yeah, you should buy a shirt and help an innocent little baby… In the arms of the angel…fly away from….oops sorry, won’t happen again.”

The goal we have to reach is 50 shirts for the company to donate, so please help them out!!!

Rock a cool shirt, save a baby, and be a hero. That’s like a triple win for you! Really this is like a gift that I am giving to you. Also, if you buy a shirt and send me a photo of you wearing it I will write an ode to your greatness! (That is a true story and I guarantee your ode will be made of magnificence, so cash in on it right away!)