Mommy and lifestyle blog

A bittersweet feeling.

March 14, 2017

A bittersweet feeling, my first baby

The happiest moment in our lives was undoubtedly the time when we got to know we were expecting our first baby.Although I was unwell, still those 9 months were very special.The preparation that went it to welcome our little bundle of joy.New of everything.Clothes, shoes, swaddle blankets, bed sheets.It was finally the time I was in the hospital waiting for my delivery that I realised how quickly these months ran, not even passed.

We got our little dream home.In pink.It was a girl, we named her AMAIRA.I would never let her out of my sight, I would feel a little uncomfortable if someone wanted to kiss her or snuggle her.Honestly, I wanted to be the only person to hold her.As I was confident enough that I would be the best person to ensure hygiene around her.Days passed, months passed and my baby outgrew her little socks, onesies and mittens.I used to wonder how she grew up so fast.She soon started walking.Nowhere did my love for her grew less, it can never I feel.

It was then after a while, a year maybe before I felt strong enough to say the words aloud, still fearful that I might regret saying this, but I knew it was important.Ever since after Amaira, I knew our family was complete.But to actually admit to it in front of someone was a whole new task in itself.

I finally realised that I don’t want more babies/ baby, what I actually want is more and more time with the baby that I already have.I did not want to become a mom again.I wanted to just go back to the time when I held my daughter for the first time.I have no desire to comfort another crying baby in the middle of the night, instead, i wanted to go back to the time when without craving for sleep I comforted my child till 6 am in the morning.I don’t want to hear another toddler saying her first words, instead, i would want to go back and hear my baby say her first words in the most beautiful voice that she has been gifted it.

I remember thinking of the days that were so long and hard and I felt I failed in every single way.But what I failed to realise was just as they would not remember the time seeing me fail as a mom, it would be the same when the memories of me holding them as a newborn would slowly fade away.This realisation in itself is a little hard to explain.It is a bittersweet feeling.Babies have the power to give your life a purpose, to literally force you to grow up, to transform you into a better version of yourself and lastly to create joy like you’ve never felt before