Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Fear of Intimacy

It is hard to be intimate without having to feel our emotions. Intimacy implies closeness and vulnerability. Sadly most of us are unable to have intimacy without sex. This is where most of our sexual issues come from. Intimacy without sex is lame for us. What's the point of being close, being affectionate toward one another if it's not for sex?

Sadly, we deny ourselves the fullness of multidimensional affection and it becomes impossible for us to share intimacy without getting it mixed up with sex. This, to me, is the crux of sexual issues. We have associated affection with sex. This is why many of us assume that if there is any kind of intimacy between any two human beings, that must mean they are fucking each other.

It's funny, I've had people tell me that they know I have sex with my brother! All because we share a level of intimacy that most would envy. Of course I don't have sex with my brother! Of course I don't have sex with all the people that I am affectionate and intimate with! I just don't fear intimacy or affection and I don't have them mixed up with sex!

Don't you ever long to just cuddle? Or have your hair played with? Or be hugged or kissed? Or to sleep in the same bed as someone else? All independent from sex? Of course you do! It's human nature! We love intimacy and closeness. We love close friendships and close relationships. We love affection, intimacy and love. The thing is that since we have most of all of it linked up with sex and since sex is such a bad and evil dirty thing... then yuck!

The other thing is that intimacy is associated with vulnerability and being a loser. Tears of joy or tears of sorrow are such a close and intimate thing... and this too we fear. I am not suggesting we open up to the whole planet and let our closest and deepest emotions flower in the midst of any situation. I am merely suggesting, that perhaps there are times and moments when it is okay to allow ourselves to be intimate with one another.

Why do you think women love gay men so much? In many cases, it has to do with the ability of being intimate without the lust or sex factor. Women crave that! That is why they cling so much to their babies... because a baby can provide a level of intimacy and affection completely disconnected from sex.

I think a lot of sexual issues can come from linking innocence, intimacy, affection and closeness with sex all the time. We are in times when if we say somebody is very attractive or has a great body, that automatically must mean we want to fuck them. If we say we have great chemistry with someone that must mean that we want to have sex with them. We are living in times when if our Karate instructor is attractive and comes to physically adjust our body position we feel uncomfortable because we cannot disconnect intimacy from sex. This is a pathology and I know it all too well because I was a sex addict back in the college days.

I was longing for intimacy, affection, connection, acceptance and love - and the only way to experience a little bit of it was through feeling like I was being tended by someone outside of me that was into me. I had no separation and no ability to unlink intimacy from sex. There was a point in my life where I looked at my phone directory and I had had sexual contact with every single person on the list. I could not have a friendship or a relationship with any level of intimacy that did not lead to sex. In a way it was pure HELL. I was skipping over what I truly wanted - connection, relationship, bonding and sanity. Sadly it became a downward spiral of lack of self-worth, lack of integrity, lack of dignity, lack of honesty and lack of life. Lust became my master and it was the only thing that could make me feel alive. My life became superficial, empty and depressed. I had no idea that what was happening was that I was TERRIFIED OF INTIMACY BECAUSE I WAS TERRIFIED OF FACING MY EMOTIONS.

I am sure the same was true for pretty much every single person I used to hook up with. And that is why I am posting this, because I am sure I am not the only one who was unconsciously going through all of this. Everything was so confusing and unclear. Sex has become so perverted along with our minds and our emotions. Cravings, impulses and fear are the main dictators of our behaviors. It's like we don't own ourselves anymore - mostly because we live in an innocently ignorant confusion that we can't overcome.

May this writing shed some light on why we have behaved and behave the way we do as a human race. Don't buy the stories that sex and intimacy have to go together... I can tell you for sure that that is absolutely not true. I have found a level of inner clarity and peace and have discovered what it is like to have one's will free, instead of controlled by unconscious drivers - maturity is the hope and the heaven we are all longing for, because when one is being driven by our unconscious material... hell is the only product and we look back and wonder what the heck that whole nightmare was all about. This is why when time goes on and one notices the things that fall away by grace one says that one has awoken to the truth. One feels in touch with reality and control over our emotions and impulses is finally available to us. We are no longer victims of the shit we do that we don't want to do or the shit we say that we don't want to say... not that we become perfect, but we learn how to say I'M SORRY.

About Me

My name is Gabriel Weiner, and I have always been very sensitive. In the Summer of 2007 I had a really powerful awakening experience that kept me seeing (and saying) "Everything is a gift!" over and over again.
I am the author of a spiritual poetry book titled "An Enlightened Lunatic In Verse And Prose"
I love to teach, sing, write and be of service.