Dave Bakke: Thirty more things you need to know about Springfield

Tuesday

Feb 11, 2014 at 9:00 PMFeb 11, 2014 at 9:20 PM

A real estate blog, Movoto, is getting some local attention because it posted a list of 30 things people will need to know before moving to Springfield. Here are the other 30 things potential residents need to know.

By Dave BakkeStaff Writer

A real estate blog, Movoto, is getting some local attention because it posted a list of 30 things people will need to know before moving to Springfield. The list, by Leah McBride Menching, rounds up the usual suspects: We are the state capital, Abraham Lincoln lived here, there’s a horseshoe sandwich, and we spell chilli with two “Ls.”

That’s fine. But after reading that list, I came up with my own. Here are the other 30 things potential residents need to know about Springfield:

1. No, nobody with the first name of Dana or Thomas lived in the Dana-Thomas House.

2. Paul McCartney did come to Springfield, but not to perform. He just used a gas station bathroom and got back on the highway. We were excited anyway.

3. To get there, you have to go another block. But that’s a one-way. So go left there and then look for the next light. That’s a one-way street, too, OK? So you have to turn right on that one ...

4. No, the tornado was in 2006. The ice storm was 1978.

5. Our last two did, yes, but we’re hopeful that Gov. Pat Quinn will break that streak.

6. The university named them that because they are the stars of the prairie, not flowers. Remember that.

7. It’s safe to swim in it. That leptospirosis thing was a long time ago.

8. ... then what you want to do is go left at the next light. Now that’s a one-way going west, so be careful or you will have to make a circle ...

9. Don’t ask anyone where the Kayport Express office is. Just don’t. Who told you to ask us that, anyway?

11. Chilli With Willie had nothing to do with that “Duck Dynasty” guy.

12. More Cardinal fans. But if the Cubs ever win, that will change.

13. Right, we used to have one, but we don’t now. The last one was at Panther Creek in 2011.

14. We can see why you would think that, and yes it would be cute, but Cafe Moxo has nothing to do with a thousand hugs and kisses. The owners named it after their dogs.

15. You only think you will get tired of Lincoln.

16. Abe lived here quite awhile, actually; from 1837 until 1861. He was 28 when he moved here, 52 when he left for Washington. In case anyone asks.

17. If you’re going to try to be funny the first time you order a horseshoe sandwich, be advised we have heard the one about ordering a “defibrillator on the side” a million times. And “artery-clogger special” has worn very thin. So if you’re going to try it, you will need to come up with something inspired. Better just play it straight.

18. You can go as far as you want on North Grand and you still won’t ever get to South Grand.

19. Nobody named Stella Blue owns it. It’s a Grateful Dead song.

20. ... then after you turn left, don’t take the first street. That doesn’t go through. Don’t take the second one, either. That’s a one-way going the wrong way. Take the next one. Yes, it’s a one-way, too, but just stay on that and it will be on your right. Not sure you can find a parking place there, though.

21. No, that one is the public library. The presidential library is over there.

22. We are not the Gateway to the Ozarks. That’s the Missouri Springfield. It’s a common mistake. People mix us up often. We are the Gateway to Bulpitt.

23. Homer and Marge don’t have a home you can tour, either. You do know the Simpsons are fictional characters, right?

24. We know the Team USA website says “Hometown: Chicago,” but we have a legitimate claim to Gracie. The general rule of thumb: If the person lived here longer than they lived anywhere, we can claim him or her. (See No. 16). But in this case, we are invoking the Gracie Clause: If the person attended school here, we can legally claim him or her.

25. They aren’t usually this bad. This one has just been particularly cold and snowy.

26. You cannot still see the stage Steven Tyler fell from in an intoxicated stupor. They took that down and nobody saved it for posterity. Pity. They should have put it in a local museum. Him, too, maybe.

27. We do still have Santa Anna’s wooden leg on display. Will that do?

28. Just so you know, and I think this is right, but it just changed. The Wolf is country, The Mix is soft rock, The Boss is deep classic rock, The River is modern rock, The Edge is everything. And plays guitar for U2.

29. The governor doesn’t live in the Executive Mansion. He said he would, but he doesn’t OK? He lives in Chicago. They all do anymore. It’s best not to speak of it again once you’re here.

30. It’s not “Rachel.” It’s “Vachel.”

Know of something quirky? Emotional? Funny? Inspiring? Dave Bakke is your man and his deadline is always near. Pitch your idea to him at dave.bakke@sj-r.com or at 788-1541. His column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. To read more, visit www.sj-r.com/bakke.