Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Minnesota book club leader Beatrice Johnson was apprehended by authorities yesterday. Reportedly, she dashed into the midst of traffic, stared at a SUV for a moment, and then placed her palm up towards the oncoming vehicle. She squinted her eyes and furrowed her brow. Thirty year old Johnson stood in the way of a collision with her hand out and was saved at the last second by a passing pedestrian. Beatrice claimed that she had been disoriented and had thought she could slow the car with her mind.

The woman had spent the last three weeks reading The Hunger Games, Twilight, and concluded the showerless trek of time with the Harry Potter series. She had ingested so much fantasy into her mind that she now thought it real.

“It’s quite common,” said Dr. Polowski, a specialist in fantasy literature’s effect on the psyche of lonely people. “These kids, or adults in increasing cases, read the books for over ten hours a day, and then they think that they exist in the rules set up in that fictional universe.”

For example, in Georgia earlier this week a woman thought she was the girl with the dragon tattoo, so it could have been worse.

“I just....” stuttered poor Beatrice. “I was reading fantasy for about five hours and I just was so absorbed into the storyline that when I came out of it, I thought I had powers for a little while. It’s not a big deal. Calm down.”

“This is getting out of control,” said therapist Steven Tyler. “Fans of fantasy everywhere are losing their grip on reality. A man in Oregon thinks we have a half black president.”

Reportedly, the lonelier a reader is, the easier it is to lose themselves in children’s fantasy literature. The results of this study are sponsored by a party display store that specializes in Edward Cullen costumes.

Fans of fantasy novels everywhere are beginning to lose themselves into escapism and forgetting how the rules of reality works. It’s charming when it’s a ten year old who thinks she’s going to find love someday, but it’s almost dangerous when it’s a thirty year old who believes in telekinesis.

In the epoch of giant trucks and hummers, we enter a science fiction esque frenzy over the depletion of natural resources, the effects of carbon emissions on the atmosphere, and the greenhouse effect. Gas prices are skyrocketing due to the dwindling supply of fossil fuels and gas guzzlers are desperate. Scientists all over the planet are searching for an alternative to fossil fuels and one Swedish scientist thinks she may have discovered a never ending, renewable supply of energy: unbridled loathing.

“It was quite simple once I thought about it,” said Dr. Serena Grendle. “We needed something dark and disgustingly sludgy to put in our vehicles, something society could dependently rely on, and humanity has an endless supply of unconditional hatred.”

“It’s really a genius idea,” said Grendle’s colleague, the not at all bitter and jealous Dr. Sven. “She is extracting the energy people spend hating others, and converting that into power we can use to fuel basically anything.”

Using a mechanism like a breast pump, Grendle is now frequenting the DMV, corporate offices, and family reunions to suck the loathing out of others. Reportedly hatred will be very cheap to produce, manufacture and market due to its already obvious popularity. This technology will be available in the next ten years, according to scientific estimates.

Some academics raise concern, however, that while this will help with dwindling supplies and shortages, it will do nothing to reduce carbon emissions and reverse greenhouse effects. Reportedly, unbridled loathing creates almost worst emissions for the atmosphere than gasoline and will speed up global warming quite a lot. Human beings are not sure yet if this is a benefit or a drawback.

The green grass of the basketball court glistens with sweat
and the dew of the morning. The crowd roars with noises as they cram enough people
in one arena to induce a demophobia attack. Reportedly, across
the world, sports are still being played.

Soccer, baseball, cricket, football, American football,
swimming, and more are currently being practiced and perfected. At this very
moment, a child is being driven to a little league practice somewhere, sobbing
in the backseat, despite the fact that dad already told him/her to buck up.

“Yeah, it’s still going on,” grumbled grizzled Coach Johnson
from under his handlebar mustache. “We got a match next week against Liberty.
It could determine whether we go to state or not this year.”

Surprising to some, sports also continue on a professional
level. Athletes make millions of dozens of dollars while an audience of people
watches. Invested emotionally in the game, the crowd paints their faces,
dresses, and even dances in humiliating ways to show their support.

“A sport,” explained professional basketball player David
Steve, “is a competitive activity based on sweating that usually involves rules
such as ‘out of bounds.’ Often a sport relies on a point system.”

In addition to the livelihood of the athletes, sports have
also spawned a vast industry of employment for out of work cheerleaders, peanut
salesmen, and foam finger factory workers.

“It’s great,” said professional cheerleader Stephanie.
“Before this I was cheering on the street for change. And these uniform skirts
are pretty much dry clean only.”

Despite the delight of the fans and the benefit to the
economy, the continuation of sports has been met with some criticism. “One time
a jock knocked the books out of my hands!” said a grown up adult who never got
over the teasing of Bobby Hanson in eighth grade.

Lindsay Lohan Switches Back into her Body After Being Trapped in that of her Childhood Doll for Ten Years

Lindsay Lohan’s eyes fluttered open yesterday morning. Upon gaining consciousness of wakefulness, the twenty five year old actress immediately was screaming in terror. Her boyfriend (who sleeps in a cot in the closet) rushed into her bedroom to check on her. She shrank away from his comforting arms and shook her head in panicked confusion, knocking pictures off the wall as she shook her ten pounds of yellow hair.

“How did I get here?” She gasped before fainting.

Experts and scientists deduced that after ten years of being trapped inside her childhood doll’s, the body swap must have run its course and the real Lindsay had returned to her body.

“It’s like nothing we’ve seen before,” said Dr. Willard, body swap scientist who was in fact inspired to take up the career by Lohan’s performance on Freaky Friday. “Usually when someone swaps bodies, to switch back they have to learn an important lesson about empathy or love, or get almost killed to death by lightning. In this case, it seems that the universe simply gave up and returned Lohan to her original body.”

Clutching her newfound woman breasts, Lohan recounted, “It was so weird. I was just a living in my parents house, and pursuing my childhoold dream of acting. And then one day I wake up and I’m sitting on a shelf where I put my doll Cassandra, watching everything through her glass marble eyes.”

Scientists deduce that while Lohan was trapped in a porcelain body, the doll was in her own fifteen year old flesh, walking around, going to auditions, enjoying parties, and tanning the freckles away. The doll in Lohan’s body moved out of her parent’s home, leaving its old vessel behind. Lohan’s parents left her room the way it was, but didn’t venture in often, so she was stuck staring into space, trapped in the doll’s body, and screaming silently in her head for almost half her life.

Now that she is back in her original body, no one knows what lies in store for the once adorable star of the Parent Trap, but one thing’s for sure, she’s going to destroy that fricking doll with a hammer.

For years the economy has
suffered worldwide, but finally reports show that we’re turning a corner. Some
of the cobwebs and dust is being gradually brushed off the shop countertops. A
few interested customers and some uninterested ones are lingering in front of
window displays. According to recent studies, the economy is definitely showing
improvement in the industry of wish granting and curses.

After a drastic drop in
spending, stocks and data numbers have finally taken a marked upward trend in
the dark arts. In the last month there has been a 14% increase in consumer
spending, according to local gypsies and shamans.

“For years there would only
be the occasional weekly customer,” said local amateur wizard Jennifer Smith.
“Like someone who really needed to curse their office administrator. You know:
an emergency. But now it’s like every day there’s a new client coming into the
shack and begging to have a wish granted. People are desperate again. It’s
wonderful!”

Reportedly there is an
increase in new clients searching for magical antidotes and also a rise in the
frequency with which regular customers are utilizing these services.

Experts speculate that the
rise in interest in wish granting and curses may be correlated to the extreme
terror and misery that is sweeping the planet. Wishes and curses scientist
Brady Joe said that it is a common trend. “The public realizes that everything
is meaningless and we’re all spiraling downward into an inevitable doom and
then suddenly they want to wish to go on a date with Alex from marketing.”

Witch doctors and magical
retailers everywhere are happy with the apparent influx of demand. Subsequently
this has a positive effect creating more positions in the factories for elves
on the production level. The economy has apparently taken a turn for the
better, but some industry professionals wonder how long this will last.

“We don’t really know where
we’ll be in a year,” said Jennifer Smith from under her starry pointed wizard
hat, hugging her small son to her robed waist. “But for now, I can afford to
get little Timmy shoes without holes in them.”

There were mixed emotions Thursday, when it became clear that (insert your preferred candidate here) had won the debate by a wipeout landslide. Audiences from (insert your political party) were elated when (insert your preferred candidate here) discussed (insert the political issue that affects you most here).

With the election so tightly focused on the economy, health care, and women’s reproductive rights, it’s pretty obvious that (insert preferred candidate) is the right choice for the white house. When those issues came up in the debate, everyone scoffed that (Insert opposing party’s candidate) seemed to have no idea what he was talking about. He was totally out of his element.

One crowd member from (insert either a democratic or conservative state here) said, “I expected the debate to be heated, but I couldn’t have imagined this much tension. I was really impressed with (insert preferred candidate)’s confidence and poise in front of the crowd. When (insert opposing candidate) discussed (insert least favorite viewpoint) he really put his foot in his mouth. What a huge gaffe! He definitely offended potential voters.”

At that moment, (insert preferred candidate) just smiled and looked at the camera to say, “I’ve got him now! The debate is mine!” And audiences of (insert your political party) rejoiced at the victory.

If there had been anyone on the fence, the clear victory in the debate will have definitely without a doubt pushed any swing voters to (insert preferred candidate)’s side. (Insert your party)’s politicians were very proud of (insert your candidate)’s win in the debate.

I had been planning on voting for him from the beginning so I may be biased, but the debate really proved to me that I am making the right decision choosing (insert preferred candidate.) After watching that heated showdown, no one in their right mind could believe that (insert opposing party’s candidate) won.