Wednesday, October 31, 2007

I, like most children, loved Halloween. Candyand cross-dressing, what was not to like? Unfortunately, I grew up in the Midwest. Who ever decided that the end of October was the best time to walk outside in tights for a couple hours was sadly mistaken (and probably had to notify his neighbors of his past crimes). It was often the case that we would spend days on our costumes only to have to cover them up with layers of protective clothing to fight off the typical bitter cold and scathing rain. Of course we wouldn’t care, because hey, candy. I can still picture my poor mother standing unhappily, umbrella in hand, waiting to walk us to the next stop. Plus, like most kids, we were dicks and would really throw a fit if our mother would try to eat any of the loot (note to self; send mom snickers bar). One Halloween she decided things would be different.

The local mall was offering a Halloween indoor extravaganza. Games, costume contest, candy, and best of all, no inclement weather. We were not happy about this. We wanted to go with our friends around the neighborhood. However none of our well formed and practical arguments and whines could change her mind. Into the car and off to the mall we went. The night ended up being one of the most miserable memories I had from my childhood (which I guess is a good thing in retrospect). Imagine a long line of costumed kids shuffling sadly along as if they had all been sentenced to death. Each holding bags out to various employees standing in front of their respective stores. Into each bag was dropped one tootsie roll. Let me repeat that. Every store had tootsie rolls. All the spookiness of wandering the night was going. All the excitement of ringing a stranger’s doorbell, gone. Replaced instead with the fun of going to the mall with your mom, and the joy of eating tootsie rolls. Next year I just stayed home and bought myself a bag of candy.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Why is it that Los Angeles is pretty much always on fire nowadays, but people are still moving here trying to "make it"?What would it take to discourage them?Why move to a place that's literally burning as you're driving into town?The odds of being a star are probably lower at this point than the odds of being set on fire!

Those of us already in Los Angeles are no better.We mostly just post "neat" fire pictures on Flickr and also complain about the traffic.The true meaning of a natural disaster here is how it effects your work commute.If Mothra were attacking the west side tomorrow, the biggest topic of conversation would probably be how annoyed people were cause they had to take Sepulveda north instead of the 405.

Friday, October 26, 2007

[10:46] FUNB0xx1: Hey yourself![10:47] Sassygyr1500:Are you going to go to Jeff’s party?[10:48] FUNB0xx1: It depends are you going to be there?[10:48] Sassygyr1500:I’ll be there if you are there ;-)[10:49] FUNB0xx1: Well, it all depends, what will you be wearing?[10:49] Sassygyr1500: LOL[10:49] Sassygyr1500: Mmm, Probably my little black dress.[10:50] FUNB0xx1: So… What are you wearing now?[10:50] Sassygyr1500:Just a towel, I just got out of the shower.[10:50] FUNB0xx1: I like it![10:51] Sassygyr1500:…Wait it says "Funbox has entered text." Are you cutting and pasting your IM’s in this conversation?![10:51] FUNB0xx1: Why would I do that? That’s stupid![10:52] Sassygyr1500:Oh Gross, you are![10:53] FUNB0xx1:I think it's ridiculous for someone to be upset at me for reusing my OWN words and ideas.[10:53] Sassygyr1500:Well aside from being LAZY,They’re not your own ideas! You didn’t even change the color of the font!

[10:53] FUNB0xx1: Besides, I could be reusing sentences from a completely different conversation in a unique way![10:53] FUNB0xx1: So my dick is getting pretty hard.***Sassygyr1500 has Signed off at 10:53

[10:48] FUNB0xx1: Sorry I was just working on something.[10:48] Susan_Accounting : Gross! They have Mac and Cheese in the commissary today again Lol!

[10:48] FUNB0xx1: I like it![10:50] FUNB0xx1: My friend is all mad at me because I’m cutting and pasting some of my IM’s.[10:50] Susan_Accounting : That’s stupid!

[10:51] FUNB0xx1: I know![10:52] Susan_Accounting : I think it's ridiculous for someone to be upset at you for reusing your OWN words and ideas.

[10:53] FUNB0xx1: Besides I could be reusing sentences from a completely different conversation in a unique way![10:53] Susan_Accounting : You’re having multiple conversations at once, It’s only natural that your thoughts would tend to move in the same direction.

[10:54] FUNB0xx1: I know![10:54] Susan_Accounting : Lol you just did it there when you typed “I know!”

[10:54] FUNB0xx1: I know![10:55] Susan_Accounting : Lol, see people do it all the time.

[10:55] FUNB0xx1: I know![10:55] Susan_Accounting : Lol you’re funny!

[10:55] FUNB0xx1: So… What are you wearing now?***Susan_Accounting has logged out at 10:55

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Monday, October 22, 2007

So, I’ve been re-reading my Plays of Anton Checkov, and I have to say, a lot of the scenes become repetitive. Look at this excerpt from “Three Sisters.”

Kulygin: Ah! Irina my dear wife!

Masha: No, I’m actually Masha.

Kulygin: Oh, sorry I get you two confused. Have you seen my wife?

Masha: I am your wife.

Kulygin: I thought I was in love with the one who always wears Black, or is that Olga?

Masha: That’s Fucking Me!

Kulygin: But I’m a high-school teacher, don’t you wear a teachers outfit in the first scene?

Masha: Well now you’ve got me confused. (Aggravated sigh) I guess we’ll have to look at the cast of characters again.

So it turns out when I read Checkov it sounds like freaking Ionesco (Zing!). It also doesn’t help that they all refer to each other using their patronymic names. “Sergeyevitch! Who the hell is that guy?! (Then I re-read the entire scene before realizing it’s a kooky Russian nickname thing).”

Friday, October 19, 2007

Last night, I was at a bar having a nice conversation with two female friends when an overzealous bald man suddenly shoved himself between them, chided them for taking too long with drink orders, and then tried flirting.

Turned off, they claimed to be lesbians, but he was undeterred. I knew I had to help.

"Actually they really are lesbians," I said. "In fact, they're legally married in the state of Massachusetts."

"Boston?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. "So they must be Irish?"

"Sure," I told him. "Yeah probably. I think they're Irish."

At that, the overzealous bald man recalibrated all of his flirtacious conversation around the axis of their "Irish." To bad they weren't Irish.

"You are so Irishy."

They laugh as if he's crazy. And he slinks away, his soul overflowing with with defeat and confusion.

A few minutes later, a different man tries to pick up women with his "I got hit by a city bus and nearly died" story:

"There the benches flew right out of the bus," he says. "They were everywhere...I'm just so thankful...If it wasn't for one landing on my lap...I probably wouldn't be here right now."

I note that his bus gambit is working and that an empathetic blond has gently wrapped her arm around him, and I realize that I've learned something. A new-found appreciation for life brought about by near tragedy is the sort of story that we can all relate to, and sometimes being hit by a bus can be the fastest way to hitch a ride on the train of love...even if we're not Irish.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I’m pretty sure that if I raise my child in a mostly underwater cave, he will gain night vision and the ability to hold his breath for long times. Not only will he use these skills to fight crime, but he will thank me for the cave raising.

If I grow and wear a Hitler mustache for long enough, eventually I can bring it back into style.

Masturbating does in fact count as exercise.

Watching a show about Krav Maga counts as taking a lesson.

That if I had a chance to go back to high school today with all that I know now, I would be cool and score with chicks and not be beat up as often.

In the next 100 years or so man will evolve to the point where we will all be completely hairless. Balding people are just the next step in human evolution.

Being featured on College Humor is proof that my plan to be a famous millionaire is working.

My polite mannerism and quiet acceptance are respected by my bosses and will eventually lead to my promotion.

I bet that if I was drafted by the army I would find out that I had all sorts of secret fighting and survival skills I didn’t know about.

Girls appreciate that I am totally comfortable talking about menstruation.

Monday, October 15, 2007

This weekend, my roommate almost burned down our entire apartment while trying to make jello shots. The vodka fires are gone now, and the kitchen's no longer redone in cherry, but I still think about those flames which could have devoured everything we knew. Maybe I shouldn't have bought him more jello to try again.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

The internet has kind of ruined having ideas. Don’t get me wrong the internet is fantastic if you don’t have an idea. You go to gooogle and bam, millions of ideas for the taking. But now, every time I have an original idea I have to search the internet and make sure its an original idea. This is so that when I tell someone I have an idea they don’t say, “Oh like on that swedish website.” Imagine how much nicer it was back in the day when it was ten people living in a town with no one for hundreds of miles. One hot summer day one of the guys goes “I wish my pants weren’t so long.” One swing of a blade later that dude had invented shorts. It didn’t matter if some Swedish guy had already made shorts and his had pockets. There was no way to know. I guess what I am saying is that when it comes to having ideas, ignorance is bliss.

The internet has kind of ruined having ideas. Don’t get me wrong the internet is fantastic if you don’t have an idea. You go to gooogle and bam, millions of ideas for the taking. But now, every time I have an original idea I have to search the internet and make sure its an original idea. This is so that when I tell someone I have an idea they don’t say, “Oh like on that swedish website.” Imagine how much nicer it was back in the day when it was ten people living in a town with no one for hundreds of miles. One hot summer day one of the guys goes “I wish my pants weren’t so long.” One swing of a blade later that dude had invented shorts. It didn’t matter if some Swedish guy had already made shorts and his had pockets. There was no way to know. I guess what I am saying is that when it comes to having ideas, ignorance is bliss.

Ok so at my work for like the last six months we’ve been busting our humps on this Doomsday Device and I’ve finally got some positive news. It’s finally finished, which is good, since this Friday is Doomsday.

Yes, we finally finished, but what a hassle! It seems like we’ve been working on this thing forever. If it wasn’t the Justice Squad blowing up our reactors, then it was Captain Amazing (who didn’t die in that mysterious explosion after all) messing around with our geo-synch satellites , or the Moon People deciding to break their vow of non-interference to team up with The E-men etc. etc. After a while it started to feel like the only reason we existed was to give these heroes something to fight week after week.

Well, we finally got the Matter Eraser hooked up to the Infinity Cannon today and the Boss took us all out to Applebee’s to celebrate.

Afterwards we’re all relaxing and goofing off in the office when the Boss storms back in, super-pissed, and says the U.N. called his bluff! Apparently they were all, “Fine blow it up! See if we care!”

So now I’m going to have to stay late all next week while we try to change the machine into a Blow-up-only-one-city-at-a-time-so-the-jerks-at-the-UN-know-we-can-really-do-it Device. My girlfriend is going to kill me.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

The financially troubled Land of Oz received a heavy blow today when the Lollipop Guild in conjunction with the Lullaby League and the Yellow Brick Layers Union, officially went on strike. It had been the hopes of the Mayor of Munchkin land that negotiations would succeed, but sadly he made this announcement on the steps of the capitol earlier today,

“Then this is a day of sadness for all the munchkinsAnd their descendants.Yes, let the terrible news be spreadThe negotiations unfortunately are dead!”

Many have speculated that placing Munchkin Land’s Coroner as the head negotiator for the City has been a grave mistake. His inexperience dealing with the living believed to be the root of the problem. When asked for comment the Coroner stated,

“As Coroner I must aver,I’m thoroughly in disfavor.And not only are the talks dead,They are really most sincerely dead.”

The trouble can be traced back to three weeks ago when high taxes forced the price of lollipops to soar. Unable to offer competitive rates, many in the town turned to lower quality hard candies imported from Emerald City. When asked for a representative to speak to the press, Emerald City told reporters “Not nobody, not nohow!”

Unable to support their families the Guild turned to Munchkin Land officials for a solution. It appears though that the talks have not been successful. The Lollipop Guild representative had this to say,

“We represent the Lollipop GuildThe Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild.And in the name of the Lollipop Guild,We wish to welcome you to Munchkin Land”

It is the hope of the fair people of Munchkin Land that this troubling period will be over soon and the cries of “Ding Dong, the Strike is at an end,” will ring out across the tiny rooftops.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Lots of people talk about bad parents, but the worst parents are plants. Little kid plants are always coming home going, "Hey, I'm hungry, can you make me some food?" but then their plant parents are always like: "Why don't ya make your own damn food? Ya got chlorophyll!"