Abracadabra!

May 2, 2012

So, everybody knows how it is when you get stuck next to a less-than-pleasing person on an airplane. Maybe they stink. Or maybe they are a person of size and are taking up half your seat. Or maybe they have a baby that screams the whole flight. Or maybe they are crazy and tell you stories about hookers throwing beer bottles out of 6 story windows and hitting them in the head (this really happened to me...).

My latest flight from Phoenix to Salt Lake City involved two very enthusiastic people who were sandwiched next to me and who had a conversation that I just couldn't get on board with. Pun intended.

I took an aisle seat, one seat apart from a woman in the window seat. The plane had plenty of seats, so everyone should have been able to, as the flight attendant kept saying, "spread out and enjoy themselves". But... alas, a small, chubby man came up and asked to sit right in between us. I was slightly frustrated because I was enjoying the extra room, but what can you do? I could have moved. That's what I could have done.

Man: I don't want to be nosy, but do you like your purse?
Woman: I love it! My husband works for the company.
Man: So do I! That's so great!
Woman: Oh wow! Yes, my goal in life is to have one of these purses named after me! (Apparently the purses have "people" names.) My name is *blank*. I think it is cute and edgy enough to have a purse named after it.

My thoughts: Really, lady? That's your goal in life?

As they begin to spin off into purse land, I think to myself that we are almost at 10,000 feet and soon I can drown them out with my headphones.

Nope. My iPad volume could not go loud enough.

Subject change!

Woman: I love TV. I have been addicted to TV shows for over 30 years.
Man: Ooh! What are your shows?
Woman: Well, I just think that Criminal Minds is the best show that has ever been made. I just love the relationships I have built with all of the characters. You could say I'm obsessed.

*mental head smack*

Subject change!

Man: Did you know that the reason we can't use our cell phones on the plane is that the cell phone companies can't keep track of everyone when they are in flight? Plus, they have to pay extra fees.

?????

Woman: Well, I watched a documentary about how the cell phones interfere with the planes communications.

This is followed by a 20 minute argument on why, oh why, we can't use cell phones on planes.

Subject change!

Woman: I think that "Stranger Danger" is the worst thing that came out of the '90s.
Man: I couldn't agree more. Children shouldn't be so scared of everybody.

My thoughts: Who the hell would actually agree on something as random as that?!

This goes on and on. For an hour and a half. No matter how loud my volume was, no matter what kind of music I chose, no matter how much I tried to immerse myself in my book or even fall asleep... I could not drown them out.

And on top of things, the man almost spilled his drink all over my iPad, he kept elbowing me and moving into my space, and he blatantly pushed me out into the aisle after the plane landed so he could get his bag... and then stood for ten more minutes while everyone in front of us got off the plane.

It was torture. I am usually not bothered by people, but for some reason these two rubbed me the wrong way. I may have lost some brain cells by listening to their conversation.