7 Apple Products I Actually Want

1. A Macbook Pro That Won't Be Rendered Obsolete 6 Months After I Buy It

Ahhh, save for years to afford a new MacBook Pro, and it's INSTANTLY made obsolete by a WAY WAY better version like a couple months later. I'm not sure how to fix an issue like this, but IT KINDA STINGS.

2. An iPhone Charger That Doesn't Half-Break So You Have To Hold It In a Specific Way Just To Charge Your Phone

Oh cool, the little inserter-thingy is slightly bent, so now I have to doublecheck that my phone is exactly balanced right otherwise it won't charge. Great, much better than that old charger!

3. A Phone That Dies When It Goes Below 1% Battery, Not 5% Battery. What's The Point of the Other 4%?!

GIVE ME BACK MY PHANTOM PERCENTAGES, APPLE.

4. An Phone Where The Screen Doesn't Crack When You Drop It. Samsung Figured This Out, Why Can't Apple?

JUST STOP MAKING IT OUT OF GLASS. I DON'T CARE IF THAT MAKES JONY IVE SUPER BUMMED OUT.

5. A FUCKING HEADPHONE JACK JESUS CHRIST HOW IS THIS SERIOUSLY SOMETHING I HAVE TO ASK FOR IN 2017??

I GET THAT YOU WANT TO SELL MORE DONGLES AND OVERPRICED AIRPODS BUT C'MON THIS SEEMS LIKE A PRETTY BASIC REQUEST.

6. A Version of iTunes That...Works?

It kinda blows my mind how iTunes is still randomly messed up - not opening right, not syncing correctly, constantly telling me to update it, etc. But at least it's also weirdly bloated and slow!

7. An Amazon Echo that costs $300 more and looks like a roll of toilet paper in exchange for slightly better speakers oh wait THEY JUST ANNOUNCED THAT FOR REAL GREAT

Who was asking for this? Remember when Apple was the innovator in the consumer tech space - pushing new types of products that no one else was trying (touchscreen phones) and popularizing things that had previously failed (tablets)? And now they're desperately playing catch-up to Amazon and Google, except at a much higher cost and with a way uglier design. And the name "HomePod"? Yikes.

But honestly I'll take this ball-of-yarn that plays music-slash-reports everything I say to the government AS LONG AS THEY MAKE iTUNES WORKABLE.