In the course of her world travels, writer Jane Brunette has seen many wonderful things -- as well as a lot of trash. The most beautiful litter, she says, is in Bali. She loves the "woven palm leaf offerings, colorful cloth left from a ceremony, and flowers that dry into exquisite wrinkles of color." Even the shiny candy wrappers strewn by the side of the road are fun to behold. Your assignment, Aries, is to adopt a perceptual filter akin to Brunette's. Is there any stuff other people regard as worthless or outworn that you might find useful, interesting, or even charming? I'm speaking metaphorically as well as literally.

It's not too late to hear my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2013. What new influences will be headed your way in the coming months? Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7 to 9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Get help as you fine-tune your life
to be in closer and closer alignment with your soul's code! Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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The iconoclastic physicist Jack Sarfatti proposes that all "creative thought by artists, craftsmen, and scientists involves the subconscious reception of ideas from the future, which literally create themselves."

Beauty and Truth Lab researcher Vimala Blavatsky puts a different spin on it. "Our future selves are constantly transmitting great ideas to us back through time," she says, "but most of us don't believe that's possible and consequently are not alert for it."

What do you think is the most pressing communiqué your future self is currently beaming your way?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia:How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

The Old Testament tells the story of a man named Methuselah, who supposedly didn't die until he was 969 years old. Some Kabbalistic commentators suggest that he didn't literally walk the earth for almost ten centuries. Rather, he was extra skilled at the arts of living. His experiences were profoundly rich. He packed 969 years' worth of meaningful adventures into a normal life span. I prefer that interpretation, and I'd like to invoke it as I assess your future. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, Taurus, you will have Methuselah's talent in the coming weeks.

It's not too late to hear my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2013. What new influences will be headed your way in the coming months? Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7 to 9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Get help as you fine-tune your life
to be in closer and closer alignment with your soul's code! Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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In the Greek epic The Odyssey, Odysseus and his men become stranded on an island belonging to the sorceress Circe, who uses her magic to transform the men into pigs. Later, though, she changes them back into men -- only they're younger and taller and better-looking than before they were pigs.

Tell an analogous story from your own life: an experience in which you were turned into a pig for a while, and became a more robust version of yourself when the spell was broken.
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The preceding oracle comes from my new book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia:How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

In the coming weeks, I'm expecting your life to verge on being epic and majestic. There's a better than even chance that you will do something heroic. You might finally activate a sleeping potential or tune in to your future power spot or learn what you've never been able to grasp before. And if you capitalize gracefully on the kaleidoscopic kismet that's flowing your way, I bet you will make a discovery that will fuel you for the rest of your long life. In mythical terms, you will create a new Grail or tame a troublesome dragon -- or both.

It's not too late to hear my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2013. What new influences will be headed your way in the coming months? Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7 to 9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Get help as you fine-tune your life
to be in closer and closer alignment with your soul's code! Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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Contrary to what the Bible says, it won't be the meek who shall inherit the Earth. On the other hand, the arrogant power mongers won't collect the legacy either. Neither the indecisive wimps nor the acquisitive bullies will contribute much to creating the New Earth.

Who, then, will inherit the Earth? What kind of human beings are best-equipped to thrive in the evolving game of life? We say it will be the well-disciplined pleasure-seekers who are in vigorous dialogue with their own dark sides, who balance the masculine and feminine aspects of their natures, and who master the fine arts of working at their play and playing at their work.

Assume our definitions are true. What would you do to become more like an inheritor of the Earth?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia:How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Jackalopes resemble jackrabbits, except that they have antlers like deer and tails like pheasants. They love whiskey, only have sex during storms, and can mimic most sounds, even the human voice. The milk of the female has curative properties. Strictly speaking, however, the jackalope doesn't actually exist. It's a legendary beast, like the mermaid and unicorn. And yet Wyoming lawmakers have decided to honor it. Early this year they began the process of making it the state's official mythical creature. I bring this to your attention, Cancerian, because now would be an excellent time to select your own official mythical creature. The evocative presence of this fantastic fantasy would inspire your imagination to work more freely and playfully, which is just what you need. What'll it be? Dragon? Sphinx? Phoenix? Here's a list.

It's not too late to hear my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2013. What new influences will be headed your way in the coming months? Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7 to 9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Get help as you fine-tune your life
to be in closer and closer alignment with your soul's code! Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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In an article about storytellers in the Los Angeles Times, Leslie Berger profiled a high school teacher named Luigi Jannuzzi. "He once saved the life of a student who was choking on a Life Saver," Berger wrote, "and thus discovered his own gift of gab: He told the kid a joke so funny that his laughter popped the candy out of his throat."

Make up a story in which your sense of humor saves someone's life.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia:How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

The temptation to hide what you're feeling could be strong right now. You may wonder if you should protect yourself and others from the unruly truth. But according to my analysis, you will be most brilliant and effective if you're cheerfully honest. That's the strategy most likely to provide genuine healing, too -- even if its initial effects are unsettling. Please remember that it won't be enough merely to communicate the easy secrets with polite courage. You will have to tap into the deepest sources you know and unveil the whole story with buoyantly bold elegance.

It's not too late to hear my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2013. What new influences will be headed your way in the coming months? Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7 to 9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Get help as you fine-tune your life
to be in closer and closer alignment with your soul's code! Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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"Nothing's going right in my life. I feel anxious and paranoid all the time. My relationships are a mess." In my line of work, people make confessions like that to me. My first response is usually something like this: "Do you habitually gobble junk food near bedtime, steal a paltry five hours of sleep per night, gulp two cups of coffee and no breakfast in the morning, then bolt to a workplace where you get no sunlight or exercise and sit in an uncomfortable chair?" They often reply, "You must be psychic! How did you know?!" My point is that many psychological troubles stem from our chronic failure to take good care

Name three things you can do to promote pronoia in yourself by taking better care of your body.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia:How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

The word "chain" may refer to something that confines or restricts. But it can also mean a series of people who are linked together because of their common interests and their desire to create strength through unity. I believe that one of those two definitions will play an important role in your life during the coming weeks, Virgo. If you proceed with the intention to emphasize the second meaning, you will minimize and maybe even eliminate the first.

It's not too late to hear my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2013. What new influences will be headed your way in the coming months? Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7 to 9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Get help as you fine-tune your life
to be in closer and closer alignment with your soul's code! Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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Rural communities in southern Louisiana celebrate Mardi Gras with even more anarchistic exuberance than the festivities that take place in New Orleans. Roving gangs of masked revelers stop cars and good-naturedly demand money and gifts from drivers. Clowns with feathered headdresses knock on people's doors after midnight begging for ingredients to make gumbo. Mardi Gras out in the sticks "is a lot like tickling," says professor of folklore, Barry Ancelet. "When you get tickled it makes you laugh, but it also makes you feel uncomfortable."

Is there anything that incites both your laughter and your discomfort? Perhaps a thorny opportunity you have the privilege of suffering from? A prickly advantage that makes your blood boil and sing simultaneously? An awkward gratification that fuels your ambition to become the person you were born to be?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia:How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

People in Sweden used to drive their cars on the left-hand side of the road. But a growing body of research revealed it would be better if everyone drove on the right-hand side. So on September 3, 1967, the law changed. Everyone switched over. All non-essential traffic was halted for hours to accommodate the necessary adjustments. What were the results? Lots of motorists grumbled about having to alter their routine behavior, but the transition was smooth. In fact, the accident rate went down. I think you'd benefit from doing a comparable ritual sometime soon, Libra. Which of your traditions or habits could use a fundamental revision?

It's not too late to hear my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2013. What new influences will be headed your way in the coming months? Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7 to 9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Get help as you fine-tune your life
to be in closer and closer alignment with your soul's code! Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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Change yourself in the way you want everyone else to change
Love your enemies in case your friends turn out to be jerks
Avoid thinking about winning the lottery while making love
Brainwash yourself before someone nasty beats you to it
Confess big secrets to people who aren't very interested
Write a love letter to your evil twin during a lunar eclipse
Fool the tricky red beasts guarding the Wheels of Time
Locate the master codex and add erudite graffiti to it
Dream up wilder, wetter, more interesting problems
Change your name every day for a thousand days
Kill the apocalypse and annihilate Armageddon
Exaggerate your flaws till they turn into virtues
Brag about what you can't do and don't have
Get a vanity license plate that reads KZMYAZ
Bow down to the greatest mystery you know
Make fun of people who make fun of people
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia:How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

When a woman is pregnant, her womb stretches dramatically, getting bigger to accommodate the growing fetus. I suspect you'll undergo a metaphorically similar process in the coming weeks. A new creation will be gestating, and you'll have to expand as it ripens. How? Here's one way: You'll have to get smarter and more sensitive in order to give it the care it needs. Here's another way: You'll have to increase your capacity for love. Don't worry: You won't have to do it all at once. "Little by little" is your watchword.

It's not too late to hear my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2013. What new influences will be headed your way in the coming months? Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7 to 9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Get help as you fine-tune your life
to be in closer and closer alignment with your soul's code! Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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I'm smarter in some places than in others. In Florence, Amsterdam, and Milwaukee, my IQ is off the charts. In Munich, Madrid, and Washington, D.C., I'm rather dull-witted. Even in Northern California, where I usually live, some spots are more conducive to my higher brain functioning. I'm an idiot on Market Street in San Francisco, whereas I'm awash in wise insights whenever I set foot on Mt. Tamalpais.

What's this about? The specialized branch of astrology called astrocartography would say that the full potentials of my horoscope are more likely to emerge in certain power spots. What about you? Wander around and test to see where you feel most in tune with your deep brilliance.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia:How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Do you floss your teeth while you're meditating? Do you text-message and shave or put on make-up as you drive? Do you simultaneously eat a meal, pay your bills, watch TV, and exercise? If so, you are probably trying to move too fast and do too much. Even in normal times, that's no good. But in the coming week, it should be taboo. You need to slowwww wayyyy dowwwn, Sagittarius. You've got . . . to compel yourself . . . to do . . . one thing . . . at a time. I say this not just because your mental and physical and spiritual health depend on it. Certain crucial realizations about your future are on the verge of popping into your awareness -- but they will only pop if you are immersed in a calm and unhurried state.

It's not too late to hear my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2013. What new influences will be headed your way in the coming months? Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7 to 9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Get help as you fine-tune your life
to be in closer and closer alignment with your soul's code! Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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The force of gravity is omnipresent, even though it can't be seen, heard, or touched, and almost no one can explain it. There ­wasn't even a word for it until the 17th century, when Isaac Newton discovered it and named it after the Latin term gravitas, meaning "heaviness" or "seriousness."

As you deepen your inquiries into pronoia, you may enjoy a similar breakthrough. Can you imagine what it would feel like to become aware of an omnipresent ocean of wild divine love that has always been a secret to you in the same way that the sea is invisible to a fish?
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia:How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

To make your part of the world a better place, stress-loving workaholics may need to collaborate with slow-moving underachievers. Serious business might be best negotiated in places like bowling alleys or parking lots. You should definitely consider seeking out curious synergies and unexpected alliances. It's an odd grace period, Capricorn. Don't assume you already know how to captivate the imaginations of people whose influence you want in your life. Be willing to think thoughts and feel feelings you have rarely if ever entertained.

It's not too late to hear my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2013. What new influences will be headed your way in the coming months? Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7 to 9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Get help as you fine-tune your life
to be in closer and closer alignment with your soul's code! Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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What's true about the word "God" may apply as well to "soul": Much of the meaning has been sucked out of it. It's a flabby ghost that has lost its life force. Say "soul" and you're liable to numb your listeners' attention. At best you may inspire them to picture a vague floating blob that feels more like an abstract concept than a real presence. That's a shame, because the eminence that's lazily referred to as "soul" is as crucial to you waking up tomorrow as your heart.

"If you need to visualize the soul," wrote Tom Robbins, "think of it as a cross between a wolf howl, a photon, and a dribble of dark molasses. But what it really is, as near as I can tell, is a packet of information. It's a program, a piece of hyperspatial software designed explicitly to interface with the Mystery. Not a mystery, mind you, the Mystery. The one that can never be solved."

As part of the Beauty and Truth Lab's ongoing crusade to wrestle the English language into a more formidable servant of the ecstatic impulse, we're pleased to present some alternate designations for "soul." See if any of the following concoctions feel right coming out of your mouth: 1. undulating superconductor; 2. nectar plasma; 3. golden lather; 4. smoldering crucible; 5. luminous caduceus.

If none of these work for you—or even if they do—create your own terms.

P.S. Here's Robbins' conclusion: "By waxing soulful you will have granted yourself the possibility of ecstatic participation in what the ancients considered a divinely animated universe."
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia:How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

Gawker.com came up with colorful ways to describe actress Zooey Deschanel. In a weird coincidence, their pithy phrases for her seem to fit the moods and experiences you will soon be having. I guess you could say you're scheduled to have a Zooey Deschanel-according-to-Gawker.com kind of week. Here are some of the themes: 1. Novelty ukulele tune. 2. Overemphatic stage wink. 3. Sentient glitter cloud. 4. Over-iced Funfetti cupcake. 5. Melted-bead craft project. 6. Living Pinterest board. 7. Animated Hipstamatic photograph. 8. Bambi's rabbit friend. 9. Satchel of fairy dust. 10. Hipster labradoodle.

It's not too late to hear my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2013. What new influences will be headed your way in the coming months? Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7 to 9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Get help as you fine-tune your life
to be in closer and closer alignment with your soul's code! Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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Marie and Pierre Curie discovered radium. Chemist John Walker invented the match. Physicist Wilhelm Röentgen was the first person to find out about X-rays.

What do these great minds have in common? They all refused to take out patents in connection with their innovations, believing they shouldn't make any profit on something that should belong to everyone.

Try giving away some of your brilliance for free.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia:How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.

You may have heard the thundering exhortation, "Know thyself!" Its origin is ancient. More than 2,400 years ago, it was inscribed at the front of the Temple of Apollo in Delphi, Greece. As important as it is to obey this command, there is an equally crucial corollary: "Be thyself!" Don't you agree? Is there any experience more painful than not being who you really are? Could there be any behavior more damaging to your long-term happiness than trying to be someone other than who you really are? If there is even the slightest gap, Pisces, now is an excellent time to start closing it. Cosmic forces will be aligned in your favor if you push hard to further identify the nature of your authentic self, and then take aggressive steps to foster its full bloom.

It's not too late to hear my long-range, in-depth explorations of your destiny in 2013. What new influences will be headed your way in the coming months? Each report in the three-part series of EXPANDED AUDIO HOROSCOPES is 7 to 9 minutes long. A new short-term forecast for this week is also available. Get help as you fine-tune your life
to be in closer and closer alignment with your soul's code! Sign in to access the 'scopes here.

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I was watching a martial arts competition on ESPN TV. It featured a vehement macho dance-off, in which rivals took turns brandishing their high-octane warrior choreography. At one point the announcer waxed poetic as the eventual winner pulled off a seemingly impossible move: "And that was a corkscrew illusion twist rodeo spin!"

I urge you to do something like that yourself. As you seek to take your game to a higher level, practice your personal version of the corkscrew illusion twist rodeo spin.
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The preceding oracle comes from my book, PRONOIA Is the Antidote for Paranoia:How the Whole World Is Conspiring to Shower You with Blessings.