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Blindsided

Okay, so grab a snack and sit back and read this cause it’s a long one honey (rolls eyes)

My history in relationships:

First Lust
From the age of 16 through 18 I was with a boy. We got along great and I was definitely in love with him at the time but as I grew up and developed a better understanding of what love really is, I realize it was more lust than love.

The Ex-con
18 through 22 I was introduced to a convicted felon that had just came home from an 11 year bid. He was 18 years older than me but lied to me about his age when we first started talking. The person who introduced us was my “best friend” at the time, she thought I would be a nice piece of ass for her uncle once he came home and never expected us to have a relationship. This man was abusive ; physically and mentally. I thought I’d die before I was able to get out of this relationship. One day, I built up enough courage to be honest with him and tell him I no longer wanted to be with him. The next day I came home from work to find all my belongings in trash bags. I left and never went back.

Internet Boyfriend
23 through 26 I was with a man I met on Myspace (don’t judge me lol) We met and from that day forward, we were together 24/7. We got along well because we were both potheads. We stayed high and stayed together. I started to realize (when I was sober) we didn’t connect on a mental level and that made me lose interest in continuing the relationship. I told him how I felt and he began to act crazy; cutting up my clothes, making noise all night so I wouldn’t be able to sleep and anything he could do to make my life a living hell. I moved out while he was at work one day and never went back.

The One
27 to present I am with a man who I was introduced to casually. This man is like no other. He shows pride in being with me, treats me very well and we connect on every level there is. I love him very much.

Now let me add a little side note: I was never faithful in any relationship. If I felt some type of way, I’d just call up one of my standby’s and do what I had to do to feel good about myself, for the moment. I felt guilty afterwards but my motivation for outside attention was far more greater than my motivation to fix things in my relationship. It’s easy to like a new toy at first but you always go back to your favorite toy once you’re bored with the new one. I’m ashamed to say it like that but that’s how I feel and that was my impulsive reaction at certain points in my relationships.

Now, back to present day. In all my happiness, I decided to go on a lunch date with a dude SMFH. [I had no intention of doing anything inappropriate, just wasn’t thinking and being my impulsive self. I do what I want and don’t often consider others feelings; it’s a flaw, I’m working on it. I’m very self-aware of my flaws and continue to work on improving myself as a woman and a partner.] That morning, my man complimented me on my appearance and groped me lovingly. Other dude picked me up at my job and off we went. While out with dude, my man calls me and tells me he is in the area of my job and wants to see me. I tell him that I went out to eat with my friend and we were not at the office. He asked me where I was and I got attitude and asked,” Why?! You wanna come eat with us?!” He told me to forget it and we hung up. When dude drops me off at my job, my man hops out a car and starts asking me who dude is, why was I with him, etc. I was shocked and didn’t know how to respond. My anxiety level was at a 10. While my man is questioning me, dude pulls off, catches a red light at the corner and my man runs up to his car asking dude questions. Of course dude didn’t say anything and kept it moving.

My man then started talking about us breaking up and dividing stuff in our house. My heart sank into my ass. We didn’t talk for days and my heart was heavy. It took for me to do something so stupid and get caught, for me to realize I don’t ever want to do anything to jeopardize my relationship. If I ever consider doing something stupid, I’m going to remember that day and realize I never want to make him feel that way ever again. [This is the point in the story where I’m actually not sounding selfish] I need to become a better woman before I end up losing him to a better woman. I’m happy with him on every level and hope to be with him until I’m old and gray.