THE LIBERTARIAN ENTERPRISE
Number 363, April 16, 2006April is the cruelest month

The Truth! (As We See It): A Special Note From The White Houseby Jonathan David Morrisjdm@readjdm.com

Special to TLE

To: The American People
From: The White House
Re: Glasnost, Perestroika, and You

Fellow Americans,

Greetings! By now you're probably wondering why the
heck you're getting a letter from the White House. The
answer to that question is simple: Because we're
coming to get you! Ha ha. No, just kidding. Bet we
fooled you for a second, though, didn't we?

But seriously, folks, the reason you're getting this
letter is quite simple. Basically, it's come to our
attention over the last few weeks that many Americans
think we're doing a terrible job of running the
country. Obviously, nothing could be further from the
truth, unless something happened to be further from
it. But your confusion is perfectly understandable,
given the circumstances.

Unfortunately, in a nation of 300 million people run
by a small, tight-knit group of men, it's impossible
for every American to truly know what goes on behind
the impenetrable doors that we lock and seal with
guards whenever we hold our meetings. Sometimes this
leads to hilarious misconceptions about what we're
doing and how well we're doing it.

Like we said, your confusion is perfectly
understandable. But we'd be remiss if we didn't take
the time to personally clear things up.

Wrong-o! At the moment, President Bush enjoys a 35 to
40 percent approval rating, depending on who you talk
to.

In 1935, the greatest baseball player of all time,
Babe Ruth, retired with a .342 career batting average.
Think about it. This is Babe Ruth we're talking about
here.

Babe Ruth only hit the ball 35 percent of the time.
George Bush, on the other hand, only bottoms out at
a .350 approval rating. And he tops off at closer to
.400. These are Ted Williams-like approval numbers.
George W. Bush is basically like the Ted Williams of
U.S. presidents.

Still think we're doing a terrible job? Do the math.
And don't believe the spin.

MISCONCEPTION NO. 2: A GROWING CONSENSUS AROUND THE
NATION BELIEVES WE FIXED THE INTELLIGENCE TO START THE
IRAQ WAR.

Pure propaganda.

You want to know what we fixed? The Oscars. You don't
think Crash really deserved Best Picture, do you? Of
course it didn't. You've never even heard of Crash.
When did it come out? Who the hell is in it?

Brokeback Mountain was positioned to win Best
Picture, and we had to actas a matter of national
security. It was a tough decision, no doubt about it.
But had we sat idly by, homosexuality would've erupted
like mushrooms clouds over major American
metropolises.

We're very intelligent people. We had the intelligence
to prove it.

So ask yourself: If you were in our position, which
American city would you have been willing to risk?

Actually, it's been a while since we've heard the race
card pulled out on us, but we just thought we'd bring
it up, since we're the only ones in this country who
supported open borders and the Dubai Ports World
deal.

Seriously, we deserve more credit for this.

We're living in a country of freaking xenophones.

MISCONCEPTION NO. 4: THE WORD IS "XENOPHOBES," NOT
"XENOPHONES."

No, it isn't. It's "xenophones."

Okay, okayit's really "xenophobes." Sorry for the
typo.

MISCONCEPTION NO. 5: THE WHITE HOUSE LEAKED ON CIA
AGENT VALERIE PLAME, BECAUSE HER HUSBAND, JOSEPH
WILSON, WANTED DICK AND BUSH TO PULL OUT, AND DICK AND
BUSH WANTED TO KEEP GOING.

The press would have you believe the president and
vice president leaked on Ms. Plame after her husband
talked dirty about the war and asked them to pull out.
But we can assure you Dick didn't leak on Ms. Plame,
and Bush didn't leak on her, either. We firmly believe
Ms. Plame leaked on herself, because she couldn't hold
it in anymore. Eventually, the truth will come out,
and Dick and Bush will both get off.

And finally:

MISCONCEPTION NO. 6: THE UNITED STATES IS CURRENTLY
PLANNING A TACTICAL NUCLEAR STRIKE ON IRAN.

This is ridiculous. Just think about what you're
saying here.

First of all, if we were going to nuke Iranwhich
we're not, but if we werewhy in the world would we
tactically nuke them? If the goal is to stop nuclear
proliferation, wouldn't it make more sense to just
wipe Iran off the map and show the international
community precisely how bad nukes are?

Secondly, it's like OJ Simpson once said: Even if we
were going to nuke Iranwhich we're not, but,
again, if we werewe would only do it because we
really, really love them, you know?

(Okay, that may not have been OJ who said that. It may
have just been Tim Meadows playing OJ on SNL. Either
way, we think it rings true.)

So there you have it, America. All of your most
pressing concerns and misconceptions have been dealt
withhopefully to your satisfaction, as well as our
own.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we're going to return to our
undisclosed location underground for the next several
months, and we'll be back next February 2nd to answer
any further questions you may have.

Peace.

Insincerely,
The White House

P.S.: Hi Mom!

P.S.S.: Our mom, not your mom.

P.S.S.S.: Okay, hi to your mom, too.

Jonathan David Morris writes from Philadelphia. He can
be reached at jdm@readjdm.com.