Equality Triumphs! Women Now Lead World In Clubbing Baby Seals

Today’s Caitlin Johnstone article has been replaced with a breaking news story by the National News Conglomerate. NNC: Obey.

Move over, fellas! The seal fur industry has a new set of industrious cutting-edge leaders, and baby, they wear heels to the office.

In what is being hailed as yet another major advancement for gender equality following women’s recent rise to the top of both the military-industrial complex and the CIA, new data indicates that for the first time in history women comprise the majority of seal fur employees paid to bash baby seals in the head with clubs to sell their hides, and four out of the top five CEOs in the industry are female.

“We’re not riding in the passenger seat anymore, sisters!” exclaimed Adrianna VanHoven at a recent conference where she was named Chief Executive Officer of leading seal fur exporter KlitchCo Furs, adding, “I am thrilled to be part of an exciting movement towards true gender equality where anyone, whether they identify as male, female or non-binary, can pick up a club and bash an infant seal right in the fucking face for money.”

“Yaaaaass queen!” tweeted Senator Elizabeth Warren in response to VanHoven’s speech, with a picture of herself holding an unopened bottle of beer to her lips.

“We’re seeing an environment where women are able to rise to the top in any field, so long as they’re just as willing to export weapons, stage coups, and club as many baby seals in the head as their male counterparts,” said Karen Plum, professor of gender studies at UC Berkeley. “As the public becomes comfortable with the fact that women are just as capable of ending life for profit as men are, we’re seeing a corresponding rapid emergence of a new paradigm in which gender inequality is becoming a thing of the past. Women are learning that as long as they’re willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead, and if they’re able to shut off that weak, worthless part of themselves which feels and empathizes, they are not limited by their gender in the things they are capable of achieving.”

The dominance of women in the seal fur industry has not been without its critics, however. Nancy Applebaum of Trenton, New Jersey recently posted a video on Facebook which has since gone viral questioning whether the rise of women to the top of violent and destructive careers is anything to cheer about.

“I just kind of think a lot of these jobs don’t actually help anyone or accomplish anything useful,” Applebaum told NNC. “It seems like all this equality talk is just to help people feel good about continuing to do absolutely horrible things. What good is killing a baby seal for its fur? What good is dominating the military-industrial complex? What good is leading the CIA? Is that really what we want feminism to be about? The equal right to make billionaires richer at the expense of terrestrial life? Women taking over jobs that were created by men out of the very worst male impulses? Shouldn’t feminism be about changing the system which values such violent and sociopathic career paths?”

“Well actually, the system is basically fine the way it is,” interjected Applebaum’s husband Will. “The economy is growing, women are getting more money, and everyone’s doing great. Feminism is actually about maintaining that perfect system while teaching women how to thrive in it. Now come to bed.”

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Latest comments

Julia/January 10, 2019

I completely understand your Irony and Sarcasm. Though I do wish, you would watch the movie: “Angry Inuk” – this might give you a new take on the whole issue of Seal-hunting. And it might be an interesting subject to write about…

digs5446/January 9, 2019

“I am thrilled to be part of an exciting movement towards true gender equality where anyone, whether they identify as male, female or non-binary, can pick up a club and bash an infant seal right in the fucking face for money.”

John Allen aka Ol' Hippy/January 6, 2019

As I pointed out yesterday on Medium women are just as likely or mostly so to be sociopaths as men. Whether as CEO’s of competitive corporations or bashing baby non-humans for their skins they seem quite capable. The difference I see are that CEO’s of destructive industries doesn’t disturb me quite as much as bashing babies. Or maybe I’m just sensitive in that mentality and they amount to the same dysfunction of empathetic systems, of which there aren’t any.

George Tirebiter/January 6, 2019

wapiti/January 6, 2019

Woman you are hands down the best writer I have encountered in a long, long time. You must be staying relatively low profile on purpose because if the secret got out you would be on every page and every website that speaks the truth. This article is astounding. What better way to get humans to read and think than to add in some wry humor. It seems as though ZH, although it has gone downhill allot in the last few years would welcome you as a contributing writer. Just a thought. At any rate you have this half redneck half environmentalist woman on your side. I got your back Caitlin.

Harry S Nydick/January 6, 2019

“Yaaaaass queen!” tweeted Senator Elizabeth Warren in response to VanHoven’s speech, with a picture of herself holding an unopened bottle of beer to her lips.” Was that designed to bet the support of women voters, or the revulsion of animal lovers everywhere. You might call me a humanist, in that I’ve long been a feminist and supporter of across-the-board equality in race, gender, ethnicity and anything else you can think of. That stance also gives me the latitude to criticize individuals – both male and female. The women who would enter such employment and the females at the very top are representative of the sharks of humanity.

luke/January 10, 2019

What about height. I am only 5′ 9″ but I expect to be treated no differently than either Shaqille O’Neil or Warwick Davis. Unfortunately most people in this world are not as open minded as Mr Nydick and neither the NBA or casting directors of box office fantasies have expressed any interest. I can forgive the NBA, as my ball skills are not great, but not Hollywood. Nowadays they could just make me look little with CGI or I could just kneel and tape my shoes to my knees if the budget didn’t have the scope.

Johny Conspiranoid/January 6, 2019

F. Foundling/January 6, 2019

The article is very pithy and eloquent as usual, and I agree with ninety-five percent of its content, so I need not dwell on that. I will, nevertheless, point out that the line about ‘jobs created by men out of the very worst male impulses’ is unfair. While killing is easier for the physically stronger gender, harming other living beings to obtain an advantage is not an exclusively or quintessentially male ‘impulse’ or practice and never has been, it’s a human practice. Men are not naturally demons, women are not naturally angels, and implying the opposite simply isn’t helpful to anybody.

inforebelscum/January 6, 2019

FF, “Men are not naturally demons, women are not naturally angels…”

Blasphemer!!! You have deviated from the teachings of the Cult of Equality. You must be burned at the stake before you go deeper in your heretical thoughts. Why you might go so far as to believe that straight White men are not naturally demons while POC and womyn are not naturally angels. Sinner!!!

Hayden/January 6, 2019

Chucknobomb/January 6, 2019

Debora Levy/January 6, 2019

Why would anyone believe if a man hands a woman his binder she would do things any differently? Anyone who thinks by changing out a queen for a king on the chessboard of life that things would radically/suddenly change? AOC said she wouldn’t take her paycheck if the government shut down happened…wanna bet how quickly she’ll dance those govt $$ to the bank? This is about domination, makes no matter where you are on the gender spectrum.

Mary/January 6, 2019

Well I hope it is satire. This is appalling. Getting ahead to abandon part of yourself. Women have always worked in the meat and seafood industry so perhaps fur seal clubbing is a way to get better paid but to crow about it and the trauma to ones self seems bizarre to me. Men and women both have to do unpleasant things for an income.

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"NewsGuard is led by some of the most virulently pro-imperialist individuals in America and its agenda to shore up narrative control for the ruling power establishment is clear, writes Caitlin Johnstone."

NewsGuard is led by some of the most virulently pro-imperialist individuals in America and its agenda to shore up narrative control for the ruling power establishment is clear, writes Caitlin Johnstone. By Caitlin Johnstone CaitlinJohnstone.com The frenzied, hysterical Russia narrative being prom ... See more

Excerpt from "Fight The Establishment’s Narratives By Getting Clear On Your Own":

Anti-establishment movements are a mess. Whether they’re left-wing or right-wing, whether they’re statist or anarchist, whether they’re organized or decentralized, whether they place emphasis on official or unofficial narratives, any circle of people who are interested in opposing the status quo on a deep, meaningful level almost invariably find themselves significantly bogged down by confusion, paranoia, infighting, and misdirected use of energy.

Every day, for example, I get people in my inbox and social media notifications telling me I shouldn’t quote or share anything from this or that lefty journalist or anti-establishment figure because they’ve said something “problematic” at some point or have some kind of association with some aspect of the establishment. Rather than simply using narrative-disrupting tools wherever they come from to fight the establishment narrative control machine, I’m encouraged to isolate myself to the extremely narrow spectrum of voices which agree with my exact worldview perfectly. This kind of paranoid, self-cannibalizing mentality is rife throughout most anti-establishment circles.

This happens for a number of reasons, including the fact that the ruling power establishment will infiltrate dissident movements that it perceives as a threat with the intent of sowing confusion and division. But the underlying reason anti-establishment circles so often find themselves getting crushed by their own weight is ultimately because life itself is confusing and difficult to understand.

Hardly anyone holds a lucid and steady awareness of just how much of society is comprised of mental narrative. Most people live their lives under the unquestioned assumption that when they are moving around in the world, speaking, acting, forming opinions, having ideas etc, they are interacting with something that resembles objective reality. The truth of the matter is that most of the things which draw people’s attention in their day-to-day experience, whether it’s names, titles, news stories, political parties, economics, history, philosophy, religion or what have you, consist entirely of mental noises firing off inside human skulls.

Excerpt from "Fight The Establishment’s Narratives By Getting Clear On Your Own":

You might think it’s a big jump to go from chatting about the sociopolitical dynamics within dissident movements to making vaguely Buddhist-sounding observations about human thought, but it’s really not. The reason our species is in a mess right now, and thus the reason movements exist which seek to change the status quo, is because so much of life is dictated entirely by made-up mental narratives which can be easily controlled by the powerful, and hardly anyone fully grasps this. If they did, the revolution against the establishment would very smoothly and quickly succeed.

Scientific research has found that astronauts suffer problems with coordination, perception and cognition when they are unable to determine which way is up in space. There is no “up” or “down” when you’re outside the gravitational pull that our bodies are adapted to, so its absence sends our whole system out of whack. Navigating a society that is made of mental narrative is very much the same; if you don’t know which way’s up, you’ll get lost and confused. Before you can see the narrative matrix clearly, you might be aware that some narratives serve power and swat at them while you’re spinning through space, but you won’t have any solid ground on which to orient yourself for the purpose of forming a clear path forward toward a healthy and harmonious world.

Your first and foremost task as a revolutionary, therefore, is to find solid ground on which to plant your feet while operating within a swirling sea of narratives and counter-narratives. Without this you’ll find yourself expending energy on ineffectual agendas, chasing shadows, attacking friends and advancing the interests of the enemy as you stumble around trying to fight a threat you can’t even see clearly. You’ve got to figure out for yourself which way’s up.