So, I have not seen or spoken to my oldest stepdaughter for 6 years (she is in her late 20s). She lived with us prior to/during the A (she was in her 20s) with her own husband, who coincidentally she was cheating on.

She wound up pregnant by a man other than her husband (who both left her) at the same time OW wound up pregnant by my FWH. This created the perfect basis for a fucked up camaraderie between stepD and OW, who became Best Friends Forever over myspace, and eventually even moved in together.

All 3 of my adult stepDs (who are all very dysfunctional and toxic in their own unique ways thanks to awful childhood/upbringing) decided with OW that if FWH would not leave me to raise OC, they would not allow FWH to be in their lives, or that of his unborn grandson. They made good on this promise.

StepD's mother (FWH's XW) is recently remarried (to a xMM she had an affair with, further adding to my stepD's dysfunction) and they call this man "dad" and tell him how they wish he was their bio father, etc.

Well, now that I am in contact with OW about the adoption of OC, the eldest stepD has contacted me. This stepD is the absolute worst of them all, who smeared my name all over the internet as a "worthless whore" and was OW's partner in crime in harassing ME, NVER FWH, for two years until we moved away and they lost all contact info. Her addition (and that of my other stepDs, to the extent that they were involved) to the harassment from OW had me absolutely suicidal at one time. I had spent all of my years with FWH trying to be there for these girls, especially oldest stepD, and get them out of the awful living arrangement their mother had them in. I spent EVERY second, EVERY dime I had, trying to better their lives. They were like little sisters to me at one time (too old to be my biological daughters) and I overlooked their toxicity because of their upbringing and age and loved them tremendously.

Now she is contacting me, wanting me to deliver a "letter" (she wants his email) to FWH, whom she is now referring to by his first name. She says "this has nothing to do with anyone else, it is just about our past. He doesn't need to write back."

It sounds to me like she just wants to play the blame game and stir some shit up (she is also a pathological liar, and lies about ANYTHING, she would tell you the sky is orange if you asked her, that is the severity of her lying). She will tell anyone who will listen that her father "abandoned" her and won't see her son, blah blah blah.

I will of course pass the message on to FWH, who will likely ignore her and tell me to do the same.

I want to block her. Fuck her. She's almost 30 years old. She has made her bed, now she wants to stir up the past, and spread some misery (just like her mother, who has spent the majority of me and FWH's 12 year relationship/marriage wanting to "talk about the past", despite the fact that they've been divorced almost 20 years!).

I want to block her or tell her to fuck off, how dare she contact me, but I don't want her to go running to OW, and try to have OW punish us via the adoption with OC. I don't know for a fact that she will, since OW's husband seems to really want to adopt OC, but I don't know. These two are the most spiteful, vindictive bitches on the planet. Together, maybe the most vindictive in the entire universe.

If you've read this entire thank, I thank you. You're amazing.

If you have advice or even some hugs, you have my undying gratitude. FWH will not be home until tonight, nor will I be able to speak to him until then, and I just really need some support.

Thank you, in advance.

[This message edited by Want2help at 1:30 PM, July 28th (Sunday)]

FBS/WS- me.
F(serial)WS/BS- him.

Madhatters. More Ddays than birthdays, at this point.

Posts: 2588 | Registered: Aug 2008

Cookie7088♀ 30038Member # 30038

Posted: 8:09 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013

Now she is contacting me, wanting me to deliver a letter to FWH, whom she is now referring to by his first name. She says "this has nothing to do with anyone else, it is just about our past. He doesn't need to write back."

She's almost 30 years old.

I would ignore and block her. It sounds like she has a lot more issue than anyone is ready to handle. Obviously, there seems to be a lot of counseling sessions to deal with before any relationship can be built. The letter that is expected to be one-sided with no response..well, it's definitely a "guilt-blame" letter.

You as the middle person? She is almost 30 -- she needs to grow up and have the conversation in person....

She's shown you no respect and is treating you like crap. Pull the welcome mat up and lock the door.

When she approaches you with respect, and not with demands. Then you can decide if you want her in your life.

Hugs

K

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 6708 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida

Jrazz♀ 31349Member # 31349

Posted: 10:31 PM, July 27th (Saturday), 2013

Sounds like my SIL. With our fleet of counselors' blessings, we are keeping her at arms length. Basically NC but we don't ignore her if she attempts contact (once every 8 mos or so.) She shows up with the same bipolar speech "I just love and miss my brother. Can't we all be adults and talk rationally? I F#$%ING HATE ALL OF YOU ARE WORTHLESS AND I HAVE A HEART OF GOLD AND YOU ARE THE MOST SELFISH AWFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. I just miss my brother and my niece. I'll stay out of your way just let me see her. YOU GUYS ARE HORRIBLE PEOPLE I'M WORRIED FOR MY NIECE BECAUSE SHE HAS CRAP FOR PARENTS rant rant rant."

Same reply every time - "We'll see you with a counselor present if you wish. Feel free to set it up."

Then crickets for another 8 months. Rinse and repeat.

It's hard, but not addressing or engaging their craziness is the only way to survive it.

Without a profuse apology to you first - I just don't know how she's even got the nerve to ask you to do anything for her at all. She has behaved in a truly despicable manner towards someone who did so much for her, and her now blithely expecting you to be her mail girl is showing her sense of entitlement and selfishness is still as intact as ever.

She's not a child anymore, she's an adult who has made her choices and now has to live with those choices. She obviously doesn't like the way it's turned out and still wants to blame someone else for it. The fact that she refers to your husband by his name pretty much tells you what the letter is going to say anyway in my opinion - but truthfully - I'd probably still read it anyway, just so I knew what it said even though you can expect it to hurt. Or I'd at least keep it in case I ever did want to read it at a later date.

Normally, I would say that whatever you do with the letter I wouldn't respond to her *at all* - especially given the way she has personally betrayed you. But in this particular instance I think it's really tricky. You have to weigh that up with the importance of OW adopting the OC and how much/if you fear this could affect things.

Would you ignoring this oldest daughter really make that much difference to whether OC adoption goes ahead? I really don't know that it would. But if you think there is any possibility of that, maybe you could just acknowledge receipt of the letter and say something like 'I've received your letter and passed it on to (husband)' - even though it sticks in my craw badly to even offer you the suggestion that you even acknowledge her - because frankly, she most certainly does NOT deserve it.

Oh this is a tricky one Want2help - because that daughter and OW are so close - I hope you get a lot of opinions to help you decide.

I grew up with a really awful couple of stepparents, so I really did my best to be the "best" stepmother I could be, which I failed at. I was not "the best stepmom" to these girls, I was their human doormat.

Sometimes I just need a reality check, and someone to tell me that I am *not* horrible for not being their errand boy/whipping boy (woman) any longer. It's just that my knee jerk reaction is always "Want2help, you can't ignore them, they're his children!" But I need to accept that no, they are not children. They are all very much adults.

I will ignore her for now. Her message was via Facebook, so it went to my "other" folder. I will simply pretend as though I did not see it, and if she contacts me again, I will block her, her sisters, and look for their mother (XW) and block her also, before she begins harping on me (as is ALWAYS the pattern).

Thank you, everybody!

Oh, and JRazz, my SIL, too. She has become close with OW in the past few years as well. Even my MIL. FWH was already estranged from them due to FOO issues and their drug use.

FBS/WS- me.
F(serial)WS/BS- him.

Madhatters. More Ddays than birthdays, at this point.

Posts: 2588 | Registered: Aug 2008

metamorphisis♀ 12041Member # 12041

Posted: 11:20 PM, July 28th (Sunday), 2013

Ignore. Ignore.Ignore.
Go to great lengths to ignore. Because it sounds as though nothing, not one single thing, healthy or healing can come out of this. And if she wants to find her father..well you don't owe her jack and maybe she could ask herself why she can't find him.
IGNORE.

Go softly my sweet friend. You will always be a part of who I am.

Posts: 52156 | Registered: Sep 2006

TrustGone♀ 36654Member # 36654

Posted: 6:38 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013

I agree with the others. Ignore her. NC=No new hurts also applies to other situations as well. These people sound toxic to you and your WH.

It is very hard to ignore someone, especially your children or in your case step chilren. However if they bring you nothing but misery, they are best ignred. As for OW, she will not benefit from not going through with the adoption to please your step-daughter. I am sure it would hurt her with her relationship with her husband to refuse to go through with the adoption to spite your WH.

Both of my children are very toxic to me. Unfortunately they took all the bad traits from XWH#1. I love them both, but they are very disrespectful, selfish people that I no longer choose to be around. It hurts that I choose not to be around them, but their emotional abuse hurts me worse. I even wrote my daughter a long letter after the last mail I received on my 50th birthday that said the only good thing I did in 50yrs was give birth to her. I wrote the letter, then I burned it. It would do no good to send it. Just like it would do no good to hear from your step daughters. (((HUGS)))

BS-55 XWH#2-No longer my monkey
M-11yrs LTA-5yrs Divorced 8/15
"A person is either an asset or a lesson"
"Changing who you are with does not change who you are"

Posts: 9206 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas

Threnody♀ 1558Member # 1558

Posted: 7:43 AM, July 29th (Monday), 2013

Why don't you and your husband create a dummy email account and have her email her letter to it. Then, if this is just the opening salvo of another battle with her, you can just abandon the email address. She can write to it all she wants -- the lights are off, nobody's reading.

The whole group of them sounds like it needs to be institutionalized. I can't believe what you've been through with all of this.

Because it sounds as though nothing, not one single thing, healthy or healing can come out of this.

Exactly. Ex-actly. Thank you for those exact words.

And if she wants to find her father..well you don't owe her jack and maybe she could ask herself why she can't find him.

They have our PO Box address. It has always just been more (fun? fulfilling for them?) to have Want2Help deliver the message/letter/whatever to their dad.

As for OW, she will not benefit from not going through with the adoption to please your step-daughter. I am sure it would hurt her with her relationship with her husband to refuse to go through with the adoption to spite your WH.

I sincerely hope that this is the case. I was trying (and failing, obviously) to keep this post short, but I have barely touched on how dysfunctional all of these relationships are. Youngest stepD (20 yrs old) has been in a longterm relationship with OW's brother (OC's uncle) for several years now. So OW had my stepD's half sister, and OW may now be my stepD's SIL one day.
(None of this was going on pre-A, by the way. None of these people knew one another, all were from different towns. This is ALL a result of the affair).

(((Trustgone)))

I am SO sorry. That must be so hard on you. As difficult as this situation is, not speaking to my own stepchildren, I can hardly imagine if these were my own children. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Why don't you and your husband create a dummy email account and have her email her letter to it. Then, if this is just the opening salvo of another battle with her, you can just abandon the email address.

That is a great idea, except that;

1) I am the type of person that thinks they just have to know. Not reading the email would keep me up at night.

2) We both agree that she does not deserve this outlet.

OW and stepD wrote public blogs about me (they were convinced that I was the sole cause of FWH not seeing OC, when he made that decision and informed OW of it before I even knew she was pregnant).

StepD and OW called my phone (while together) repeatedly, giggling and rubbing the pregnancy in my face. StepD was even the one to inform me of the pregnancy (while Ow was there) in a text that said "Tell my dad congrats on his new baby with (OW)".

They have smeared my name all over the web, even on the dumb, public "online baby book" the local hospital runs for its patients.

We had things removed, and quietly endured while on the "high road". We never, ever confronted her. The only thing I ever said to her was to quit calling my number, or I would have it changed (which I did within days). We endured YEARS of her and OW using whatever outlet they could to say whatever they wanted about me (and even COM).

Neither FWH and I think she deserves this outlet for whatever she is trying to do. Closure? Doubtful. Moe like starting drama again.

I went on my Facebook today and blocked everyone of them. It is an "alternate profile" that I created very recently for professional reasons, so they weren't yet blocked on this one. Huge mistake.