Writer’s Block – I Wrote What You Told Me Part I

Let’s talk about window blinds – first of all, totally not necessary. We’re not vampires. You should be able to handle a little light peeking in from the sun at 6am. I sleep right through it like a man. Next – privacy. If you aren’t comfortable with the outside world seeing your bedroom antics, you’re probably doing something illegal. Take down the sex swing. I have blinds on all my windows and have never once used them. In fact even when I’m nude I don’t. I’m comfortable with my imperfect and, at times, unsightly body.

Silk flowers sound awesome. Who doesn’t like flowers? And silk? Feels like perfection. Sadly, neither of these are what encompasses an actual silk flower. First, you’re impressing nobody with these fake organics. Spend $10 every two weeks and hit the farmer’s market. Buy a few tulips, for God’s sakes. You’re self-esteem can’t be that low that you’re not worth a lousy flower. You just have to put ’em in water and let ’em sit. It’s not calculus. I’m going to start shaming people who have silk flowers. You’ll see me standing at the end of the aisle of J0-Anne Fabrics just shaking my head disappointingly. It will work.

I have no opinion on Cheez-Its since I never buy them. I feel like when I’m at a party I’ll eat some, and they’re mildly satisfying. They’re not good enough to buy, but in a pinch will do. Like that La Croix water stuff. It’s not good – but not terrible. Nacho Cheese Doritos are way more exciting. Both will make you fat, so choose that one.

Goblins are the greatest tiny creature to ever roam the earth. My last sentence presupposes that goblins do, in fact, exist. And let’s just assume they do. Why? Because it’s fun. You can use them to scare little children into doing stuff. I feel like we don’t have enough goblin horror movies. I love everything about them – the sharp teeth, the little arms and legs, everything. More goblins, I say!

Not me. Capers are gross. So are green olives. Ironically, I love olive oil, but the green ones are too damned strong. But I also don’t drink, and a virgin dirty martini would send me to the toilet, puking. Ooh, here’s something. I caught my father drinking pickle juice the other day. It was on his birthday and I was visiting, so I didn’t bust balls. But I did nearly vomit on my shoe. It was the last pickle, so it’s not like he put the jar back in the ‘fridge. Still. Shameful.

Couple of things. I’ve finally turned into a gigantic p-word and started using an umbrella. I used to pride myself of walking in the rain uncovered like a moron. I thought it was manly or something. So I went out and bought a $100 umbrella and now I feel I have to use it because it was so expensive. Next – it’s been raining so much here in the midwest that I haven’t been as able to ride my bike to work. This means I’ve become fatter. And while fatter is funnier, my beach body isn’t attracting any ladies these days. Of course I go to the Hispanic beach and the chicas aren’t exactly drawn to pale cabelleros anyway.

I have the perfect name for this band. Toxic Shock. That’s pure punk, right there. It would need to be an all-girls band, of course. I feel like that opener was strong enough, so I’m going to end this segment right here.

Forget naked – whatever happened to the barrel guys? Did people really do that? I think some did. Hang on. Googlin’ time. Yes. Ten made it successfully. That is really something. It appears that tons of other people attempted and died. Can you imagine the family reunion?

What happened to cousin Jed – he drowned, right?

Sorta – he went over Niagra Falls in a barrel and the barrel exploded upon impact. They never did find the body.

Wow – that’s tragic and totally awesome at the same time. I mean, not to his wife and kids. But between you and me – he rocks!

I took a really hot chick to my senior prom. First I picked her up in my sister’s convertible that a raccoon had peed in the week before. Next I was sunburned as all hell from playing in a tennis tournament that day. Lastly, I had such low self-confidence about getting any action that we parked at an after party and I drank a six pack of Ice House. I think she had one beer. Then I walked in the party and passed out within twenty minutes. Not exactly the seductiveness of don Juan.

I don’t know what cheez-its are but I am a fan of a Dorito or two. I also endorse goblins. And frankly I’m a huge fan of window blinds. All that sun fades the shit out of your furniture without them. Capers I’m ambivalent about. I think there’s a place for them but I’m not passionate.

I don’t know what cheez-its are but I am a fan of a Dorito or two. I also endorse goblins. And frankly I’m a huge fan of window blinds. All that sun fades the shit out of your furniture without them. Capers I’m ambivalent about. I think there’s a place for them but I’m not passionate either way.