Thursday, February 10, 2011

Know Your Harbingers of Impending Doom: Boobies

Boobies.

Not the sea bird primarily found near warm waters - the fatty deposits that grace the chests of mature human females. Jugs. Melons. And while it's hard to imagine anything bad coming from something so good, there's an unfortunate horror movie phenomenon, Titsonics, that turns boobies into bouncy death traps.

In the Terrorverse, young women's breasts emit a high frequency sound (measured in mammahertz) that only horror movie villains can hear. The sound attracts them - not because they want a peek, but because they know that naked breasts indicate the presence of at least one highly distracted or highly vulnerable victim. The bigger the boobies, the louder the noise. And when those boobies are squeezed (say, by the fumbling hands of a young male), they get louder still.

Therefore, the only safe boobies are untouched, well covered boobies. and well covered means buried beneath enough clothing to muffle their sound (i.e., no tank tops). In fact, the ideal outfit for a young woman would be a parka over a ski jacket, over two sweatshirts, over two bras - with the nipples duct taped for good measure. But take heart, ladies. The moment you hit 23 your Titsonic profile becomes drastically lower. And once you have a kid, it disappears forever.

That covers it (haha) for Boobies. Tune in next week for: Know your Impending Harbingers of Doom: Visable Breath.