Even More Sh*t Ben Carson Says

It is really hard to keep up with all the crazy, weird shit that Ben Carson says, but I'm doing my best. You can check out my epic video slideshow of Carson insanity at Mediaite, but here are the new ones I dug up while researching it.

We get it, Ben Carson. You stabbed a guy

In the interest of completeness, I'm including this 2010 clip of Carson telling the stab story yet again, because he also describes the hammer attack on his mother, the rock he threw at a guy, and the Master Lock that he hit another guy in the head with:

Carson tells this story a lot, too. While on a road trip with his future wife, Carson falls asleep at the wheel and almost kills both of them. In perhaps the strongest example of game I've ever seen, Carson parlays almost killing a girl into love and marriage, because God:

Ben Carson Really Wants You To Know Treating Old People Is a Waste of Time

Ben Carson's contempt for his pain patients and assessment of "old geezers" is not something he grew out of. Like his Auschwitz jokes, they just became part of his rotation. Here he is reprising the bit in 2007 and 2013:

At a 2013 speech, Ben Carson told of his affinity for throwing rocks at cars, which he apparently believes everyone does when they're kids. Unfortunately, Detroit apparently had a plainclothes rock-throwing task force, whom Carson says he led on a thrilling foot chase:

Most people that walk into the booth, they're looking for a D, an R, or a name that looks familiar. The name could be Satan, 'Oh, yeah, I know that name!' And in many cases it is, and this is the problem, and this is how we end up with what we have now."

Ben Carson will secede from United Nations

Not two weeks ago, Carson told Glenn Beck, among other things, that English should be the official language, that he would intensify the War on Drugs, and that unless they changed some stuff, he would withdraw the U.S. from the United Nations:

"I don't like the United Nations, and unless they change, I would not participate, I would de-fund them."

Ben Carson- I'm not a highly religious person

Did Ben Carson mention that he stabbed someone? Yes, but in this 2013 he workd in the odd statement that "I'm not a highly religious person," by which I can only assume he means because he's not the actual Pope.

During a 2003 commencement speech, Carson notes with bitter satisfaction that many of the kids who made fun of him in school wound up dead. As gross as this is, get a load of the white dude behind him, whose shoulders literally convulse with laughter over those dead Detroit schoolmates:

"I got back on the right track and I was an A student again, and the guys were calling me names, but I didn't care, because I would always say to them 'Let's see where I am in 20 years, and let's see where you are in 20 years, and we'll see who's right.' And you know, when I went back for my 25th year class reunion, most of the guys who were really cool, they were dead. So they were very cool."

Ben Carson- I was offered a full scholarship to West Point

This is the claim that led to Carson's epic press conference. Her he is in 2013 telling an interviewer that he was offered a full scholarship to West Point, which is not a thing that exists:

"Everybody knows they don't do that in Utah anymore, right? But even if they did, so what?"

Ben Carson Thinks His Patients Are Criminals and Treating 'Old Geezers' is a Waste of Time

While stumping for unsuccessful senate candidate Monica Wehby in January, Carson told a very revealing "joke," given his affinity for dismantling Medicare. First, he joked that all of his adult patients were criminal frauds (whom he operated on anyway), and then he explained why treating "old geezers" is a waste of time:

"You can operate for 10, 15, 18 hours on a kid, and if you're successful, the reward my be 50, 60, 70 years of life. Whereas with an old geezer, you spend all that time, and they die in five years of something else! So, you see, Monica and I, we like to get a good return on investment."

Ben Carson says 'The Problem With Old Geezers" is they waste all your hard work by dying.

Lest you think the "old geezers" line is new to the stump, here's Carson riffing on it in 2003, a full decade before his retirement:

"I'm a person who likes to get a big return on their investment. You know, you can operate for forty hours on an old person, and do a wonderful operation, quite successful, and five years later they die of something else. You know, that's the problem with old geezers."

Ben Carson Got Auschwitz Jokes

At a 2003 graduation speech, Carson explained his aversion to political correctness by telling an Auschwitz joke, and then responding to anyone who's offended by saying "Too bad!" As Ben Carson might say, "He's like the Hebrew School at Dachau: no class!"

“I do not believe in political correctness, by the way, OK? There’s almost never a time when I give a speech where somebody isn’t offended. I remember one time I was talking about human brains versus dog brains, and a guy came up and said, ‘You can’t talk about dogs like that,’ you know, ‘It’s very offensive.’ And then, you know, I said something about how the fashion industry makes young women think they’re supposed to be so skinny it looks like they escaped from Auschwitz, and a young Jewish woman came up to me and said, ‘You can’t talk about Auschwitz.’”

“...The fact of the matter is, I don’t mean to offend anybody. And if anybody’s offended... too bad.”

Ben Carson in Auschwitz 2 - Electric Boogaloo

For most people, telling an Auschitz joke is a misstep, but for Carson, it's part of his stump. What's interesting is that when he retold the story in 2007, at another commencement speech, the offended Jewish person was no longer a woman. Perhaps Carson the crybaby Jew was less sympathetic as a man. He also added a riff on slavery, because of course he did:

When Carson told the joke again in 2010, "Auschwitz" became the more generic "concentration camp," perhaps to avoid making Dachau survivors feel left out, but the common thread is that the offended Jew is just like the offended dog owner, none of whom are good sports like Carson is about slavery.

"There comes a time when people with values simply have to stand up. Think about Nazi Germany. Most of those people did not believe in what Hitler was doing. But what did they speak up? Did they stand up for what they believe in? They did not, and you saw what happened. And if you believe the same thing can't happen again, you're very wrong."

Ben Carson Flips Out on Reporters, Demands They Care About Obama 'Sealed' Record That Aren't Sealed

On August 19 of this year, Carson told a reporter in Arizona that ""You look at some of these caves and things out there one drone strike, boom, and they'd gone." Here's what Carson said when he followed up:

Reporter Dennis Welch: “Drone strikes on American soil seems a little over the top, even to entertain that idea.”

Ben Carson: “You can entertain all kinds of things,” Carson responds. “Here’s the take-home point: The take-home point is that we have excellent military leaders and we need to employ their expertise because this is a war we are fighting. That’s the bottom line."

Ben Carson Will Only Use Magical Drones on Mexico Border

After suggesting drone strikes at the border, Carson tried to explain to CNN that he would only use drones to take out tunnels and caves, and only if they were empty. Maybe he plans on sending his Angel Tutor in there to check things out first. Carson never explains, and Jim Acosta never asks, why you would use a drone instead of a demolition crew on empty caves which, presumably, aren't going to get up and walk away. That's okay, I'm sure President Carson's Secretary of Homeland Security Joe Arpaio will ask all the tough questions:

By Humility And The Fear Of The Lord Are Riches,Honor, And Life - poverbs 22:4

Reminds me of the time I went to Family Dollar and scored myself a sweet copy of "The Holy Blible."

As if that wasn't funny enough, Carson was having that monument to humility chiseled into a home that The Guardian portrays as a veritable shrine to Ben Carson, including, and I'm not making this up, this picture of Ben Carson with Jesus:

Conservative prayer-brawler and retired brain surgeon Dr. Ben Carson is locked in a weird meta-media Mortal Kombat with Daily Beast writer Evan Gahr, who published an interview in which Dr. Carson says that Obamacare is worse than 9/11.