Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Injunction Junction

Hi everybody,

So sorry for the delay, however because of the impending legal action, I was required to wait 90-days before posting anew. Thankfully that requirement has now been met and I can fill you in to the extent that the law allows.

Suffice it to say, Black Bart and all Puglypaloosa funds are nowhere to be seen. I am hoping for the best, and that this will be revealed as pure coincidence. However there are many indications that the 2-disappearances may be related.

Authorities are searching for Black Bart and the missing monies, and attorneys are diverting all attention from Serena's Workperson's Comp case to instead focus pro-bono on formal charges and protection from Puglypaloosa creditors. I am presently dealing with the aftermath of Black Bart's apparently endless, shady business dealings, least of which include the truckloads of illegal Mexicans and Canadians that he snuck in as cheap labor.

I've been able (until now) to placate both groups, pending a plan for repatriation to their respective banana republics. However I've run out of cheap beer and World Cup Soccer for one group, and even cheaper beer and Regional Curling rebroadcasts for the second. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Meanwhile, if anyone spots Black Bart, please report his whereabouts to the local authorities or dogcatcher. And remember that while he is not armed, he can be dangerous (mostly as a trip hazard). So use extreme caution, especially around stairs. Also be wary of his ability to charm and manipulate. As many of us can attest, he makes "The Most Interesting Man in the World" from those Dos Equis commercials look like a schmuck amateur.

Here at Puglypaloosa "Command Central", we've already been fielding reports of Black Bart spottings across the globe. Let's keep those updates coming in, and keep each other abreast* (* usually - in more carefree days - I would attempt a sophomoric aside here, however this is not the time for titillation) of developments.

So far these are a few of the unconfirmed Black Bart sightings:

- Seen at the World Cup in South Africa with Paris Hilton; reportedly showed little interest in her Vuvuzela; unlikely to be the real Black Bart, as he is a notorious horn-dog. Paris later detained for marijuana possession / tried to pin it on Black Bart.

- Allegedly duped British Petroleum into believing he was an "Oil Spill Consultant"; being blamed for failed design of first containment seal, which is identical to twist-off cap from Boone's Farm wine bottle.

- Multiple sightings with Lindsay Lohan; reportedly convinced her to invest in and become a celebrity endorser for "BLOactive", a cocaine-based topical acne treatment; also reputedly duped her into drinking by falsely claiming she could slip skin from a cadaver betweeen her ankle and the alcohol monitoring bracelet to fool the authorities.

- Identified as Mel Gibson's new sidekick; overheard convincing Mel that it was okay to "get crazy" and "tie one on", on occasion; also observed convincing "Braveheart" that his views were "spot on" (particularly the ones on relationships and minorities) and meant to be shared with others; then leaked (after first leaking on) the tapes.

- Allegedly convinced Larry King to "try other things while he was still young", allegedly to entice Larry into resigning so that Kathy Griffin* (* a suspected Black Bart associate) could take over (Disclosure: I am also currently being considered as Larry's replacement) and install Black Bart as Producer.

- Suspected of orchestrating a Yankees coup where he is running the team by October (don't know how he plans to get rid of George Steinbrenner)

Black Bart didn't push me down those stairs, did he? If he did, his fuzzy little butt belongs to me! I doubt he's with Mel; he'd have mauled him to death by now. I KNOW he's not with Paris or Lindsay; he has better taste. I doubt he's gone to work for BP; he does, after all, have some scruples. He "could" have offed Steinbrenner; nothing's been proved yet. I expect where you'll find him is auditioning for "Dancing With the Stars." Just tell him the tutus aren't for him and he'll be fine. He might even win the thing.:)

I haven't seen him around here, I thought I might have spotted him at the 'fashion week' parades, hanging around the dressing rooms with the half naked girls, pretending to be a fur wrap. Then again he is such a little fellow he could have taken a nap in a shoe box after far too many champagne cocktails, he could be anywhere, maybe one of the models has taken him home.I doubt that he would hang out with Paris, Lindsay or Mel,they would be no fun at all.xoxoxo ♡

Dianne - I would not be surprised. Black Bart after all IS an optimist: while others may see half-naked girls as half-clothed, HE sees them as half-naked. The way to tell if it's Black Bart, is to remember that real furs do not leave moisture trails.

Foam - There may be some validity to your suspicion. The last time he called, I heard a lot of moaning and squeaking in the background. Plus he was complaining about the folks upstairs and their wild parties.

/t. - I WAS wondering if he went north to check out the beaver activity that can be viewed from space. Black Bart would love activity of that scale. Thanks for checking.

Speaking of curling, Black Bart and I DID closely follow the Canadian Women's team during the Olympics, and became quite smitten with them (Especially their Skip! ... more to follow soon on that particular topic). So you may want to scan the stands at those events.

Lamby - At this point, all of his cousins are distant (at least the law-abiding ones). However if anyone can make Black Bart an honest pug, your chances are better than average at fencing him in. But I must warn that he may try to pull the wool over your eyes. So use caution, lest he adds you to his sheep count.

Pinks - Thanks for the tip. Keep 'em coming, and Black Bart's days as a free-range pug are surely numbered.

I should have known(!): BB is a HUGE "Bewitched" fan for some odd* reason (for me, the reason is Elizabeth Montgomery ... however that's a story for another day).

(* As for the odd reason: Black Bart IDOLIZES Larry Tate. So it is of little surprise that he wound up at the Tate Modern. The joke's on him this time ... the Tate Modern is not affiliated with Larry Tate ... right?)

Pink - Of course I'm old enough to drink. However I do it in moderation because it stunts my growth. Plus it impairs my judgement about females.

And for the record, lady, the only Manuel I care for is Manuel Labor. He's efficient, performs all the disgusting menial tasks, and I simply call the authorities to deport him when it's time to pay up.

And I'm not sure I like the implications towards foreigners. Being a Canadian born, British bred (wo)mannequin, I'm foreign...or what most of my dates say...'exotic.' But most people want to IMPORT me to their land.

Hi everybody! It has been a VERY busy year, however all is well. Just a quick note to let you know that I'll be back real soon, and plan to make up for a LOT of lost time with the "quality" posts and comments that you've been "conditioned" to demand and expect. Perhaps this will repair the decay that fair Lilith alluded to; perhaps not. Thanks for "keepin' the faith", as both Billy Joel and Telly Savalas would say. Stay tuned!