Yes, yes, I know the weekend’s over and I’m just now getting this up, but since a good portion of the US hasn’t made it to work, it’s still the weekend somewhere. I’ll tell you what, let’s just jump right in.

Recap from last week: Mary Adam does his best imitation of the Michelin Man and a couple of pretty pretty people lose all their money. Humor abounds. Or something like that. Cue opening credits. I forgot half these morons were even on the show. Avi & Joe? Who are they? Meredith & Maria? Lena & Kristy? Wow, some of these people got less airtime than Brook Geraghty.

Phil’s turtleneck and manoobies welcome us to La Pietra, the Pit Stop from the last leg of the race, which translated means: The Peter. Those crazy French. Mary Adam and Rebecca get a 2 hour head start thanks to that Fast Forward (Hee, I almost wrote “Fart Forward”). Well crap, that means they can get way ahea… oh wait. They have to wait for a ferry to take them to Nice, France (as helpfully explained in Phil-o-vision, who zips us right to the site of the next clue, which is located at a statue of Prince Albert I in a can). Well that’s no big deal right? It’s just after midnight, I bet there’s plenty of ferries still going around for all the late night partiers. So Mary Adam and Rebecca head to a hotel, just to check when the next ferry will be leaving. Shouldn’t be too long, right?

Nu-uh.

The first ferry leaves at 11:30 the next morning. Congratulations! You just got another Pit Stop. But this time, YOU have to pay for it! Yay! Oh, the privileges of coming in first. Thankfully, this means that all the other teams will catch up! Huzzah! We get the requisite clips of the other teams following the exact same steps as the first team (including Bolo saying Nice like “rice” instead of like “niece”. Bolo smart.) and all ending up at the same crap-ass motel. Even Hayden and Aaron, who have no money. So they wake up nice and early and go a-begging. There’s nothing more satisfying than seeing pretty pretty people having to beg for money. “Begging isn’t fun” says Hayden. I’m shocked. I thought that the crazy guy who always bugs me for gas money despite the fact that he has no car and constantly spews prophecies of a great plague was doing that JUST FOR FUN! They manage to scrape together enough for the ferry and despite editing making it appear that it’s a nailbiter, make it on board in plenty of time.

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Once we’re off the ferry (with Hayden & Aaron begging on the ferry, having blown their wad just getting on the damn thing), it’s BONZO GONZO~! as everyone makes a mad dash for taxis. Somehow in the ensuing chaos, Kris & Jon manage to get left taxiless. Sometimes life doesn’t work out for the pretty pretty people. Unfortunately, Ass & Hat are our first teams to the clue. Ass tells us that they’ve worked out a system, Hat takes care of the ground while he takes care of the air. Of course, Hat also thinks that speaking to the driver with a crappy French accent will help him understand her better. Mmm hmm, sure. At least it’s better than Mary Adam, who tells the driver “rapido”, obviously thinking they’re in Mexico or my downstairs neighbor’s apartment. Phil-O-Vision helpfully gives us a quick rundown of the next “task”: go to the airport, fly to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia (which Bolo cannot pronounce either), then sign up for one of two charter flights designed solely for the purpose of forcing 3 teams to be kept together just that much longer. They then take the charters to Middle of Nowhere, where they will find their next clue under the windshield of a van which will take them to the next clue. Remember all that? Good, because it won’t actually come into play for another 20 minutes or so.

Everyone gets their clue and it’s mad dash time to the airport with the huge Rockman in front of it. Geez, I knew the French were kinda stupid with that whole Jerry Lewis thing, but an airport, a Nice airport mind you, with a big pile of rocks that vaguely resembles a human being? I can see why Bill O’Reilly wants us to boycott them. Ass & Hat make a stop at a travel agent and get nowhere thanks to Ass’s ranting and raving. Good job. I think it was the blue hair that put her off, but that’s just me. Hey, Ass, if you dye your hair, you’re supposed to do the whole thing, not just the back part. That’s just laziness. Bolo & Lori get to the airport first and find out that the earliest they can get out of there is 6:30 that night, but won’t even be able to get to Ethiopia until the next day. Yay! More bunching! There is much more whining and airport nonsense that threatens to put everyone in the audience to sleep, with everyone getting various flights, all of which except for Team Tough Enough don’t leave until the next morning. Lori & Bolo get on a plane to Rome, but not before Bolo manages to kill one of his last two remaining brain cells by whacking his head on the airplane doorway on his way in. Bolo smart. Bolo pretend Bolo Imperial Stormtrooper. Ass gives Hat the opportunity to get tickets for them all by herself, and surprisingly, without Ass screaming in her ear, she performs the feat flawlessly. She’s a big girl now, and Ass is very proud of her.