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The Hardcore Of 2012

2012 has really changed me, in personality, I turnt from Sanguine into a Melancholic.

In relationship I turnedinto passive. Couldn’t be more vulnerable in any relationship before. These have caused me being called childish. Nobody really knows what one has been through for them to have the right to judge.

Nobody asks the possibility to be understood. But if only they would have at least remained silent instead of judging. What it feels like to lose everything?

Call me childish tough.

What does it feel like to lose your school’s life? To lose your school’s friend? To lose your own good image? To lose your own reputation? To lose your parent's trust on you? To lose those families’ times? To lose those facilities which might you could have? To loseyour hope? To lose your joy? And to lose someone that came really special in your life?

I’m sucha disappointment. I through those trouble sleeping, lay awake at night staring at the ceiling and thinking about every moment I wish I could change.

How I really wish I can turn back time.

How I really missed the old times.

How I wish, these difficult days were just a bad dream.

A dog that has filled my days but then it should be separated from me, that thing left me upset. It just dog anyway…

Wondering how much more it will hurt me when it about happens to a person?

And that happened.

A person who filled my days, gone just like that. That person seemed don’t even remember all those things we ever had.

It hurts.

That feeling you got… When you know everything’s changed since that.It’s no longer the same. It’s left with "used-to-be".

I spent most of my times stuck in yesterday.

Trying to come to a sense because a million things to worry about, why would I hold the grudge.

I tried to forget, I tried to move on.

But, this is the hardcore after all:

When you lose someone,someone you might love

When they break your heart. It’s the hardest thing you could ever go through, even the smallest things they had done to you had such a big impact for you.

And no matter how much time has passed, it never really goes away.

You may think you’re getting better, but then you get flashbacks or hear a song that reminds you of a memory,and it’s hit you all over again,all at once,like a stab in the chest. You fall apart,for the hundredth time,and you feel like you just want to crawl under a rock and never come out. You miss this person with all of your heart,even though you know you shouldn’t.

This may just come to my consciousness, what my weakness is. My incapability to let people and things go will always, always remain as one of my greatest weakness.

At this moment of my life, I didn’t exactly know how, I found myself looking at myself standing in the middle of a crowded room, screaming at the top of my lungs. And no one even looks up.

Then l feel there’s someone talking to me…

G:"Hey, are you okay ?"

L: "Err, with all the memories that follows, and with all the complicated stories I had. Yea, I’m okay. Totally ok."

G: "You don’t wanna messing with me, tell it…"

L: "God! I never ask You to send this person into my life,

but once I thankful that You did, You took this person away.

and I was like “Why God? Why?”"

G: "My dear child, I’m happy that you realised all those have been

in my plans. There’s no such thing as an accident."

G: "Now listen… There’re times in life that you don’t even needto

understand to pass it. I’ve said this million of times,

live by faith and not by sight.

I’m God of the universe, the creature of the sun and..

The source of Love. “Why don’t you trust Me?”"

And in the next days, I also received some encouragement from my friends.

“Did you know Job in the Bible? He lost everything either, but he has lost much worse than you. His wife asked him to curse his God. “why did you still believe in God? There’s no reason to believe in God anymore.” Said his wife. But, Job answer her: “you talk like a mad woman! Do we just want to accept all kindness from Him, but don’t want to accept the badness?” Even in this suffering Job said nothing against God. Job 2:9 – 10. He frustrated, he depressed, he cursed himself and went to talk to God, he just can’t hold it anymore and complaint to God either. But at the end, Job chose to believe in God, he kept his humbleness in front of God “I knew, You’re mighty to do all things, none of Your plans could fail” Job 42:2. And God blessed Job in his next life much more than his life before. Job 42:12.”

“Lost everything doesn’t mean you can’tdo anything about it. Actually, there’ll be something that much better in the corner. But it depends on your decision, while you aren’t like accepting your life, some people out there might wish can have a life like you had.”

“Missing someone is a process in order to move on…

You shouldn’t run away from it.

Everything that pushed you today won’t last forever… Don’t you think about when you already pass it one day, you’ll find the stronger you.”

Those all not really help me as much as I need.

Yet it makes me speechless and realise… I did lose ‘hope’, I did lose ‘love’.

Nothing left in me. Nothing…nothing except this faith.

This faith.

Take that last bit of your faith until the last drop.

Hold on to it, and never give in.

I’ll use this faith to fight. Fight for my dreams.

Everyone has a dream.

Dreams brighten your heart like the sun, it lights up your whole world.

Dreams fill you up with courage.

All your dreams, All you want to reach,

Let it float, hang 5cm in front of your forehead

So, it never gone from your eyes and you bring it every day, you see it every day,

And believe that you can. ―5cm

I watched 5cm in my closed year of 2012, and it’s really a great decision.

5cm such an Inspiration movie, Indonesia has grown up!

I made a resolution for 2013, it’s my first resolution. I never made a resolution before cause I’m too scared to check it out at the end of the year, scared to see if it doesn’t work out as planned.

But I chose to make this resolution in order to move on. Focus on my dreams and hope it could help me to move on.

I simply trust what’s meant to be will always find a way. I wouldn’t find another person to replace that person, it sounds cheap for the fact that I’m a woman, not meant to 'looking' but 'waiting'.

Besides, I have Him, my God. People might change, or leave. But, only God who stays and always be the same. I knew my God won’t let that person stole my happiness any longer. He will cheer me up. Also, I wrote this in my resolution: I want to have a spirit as big as Thomas A. Edison and J.K Rowling.

I’ve not failed. I’ve just found 10.000 ways that don’t work ―Thomas Alva Edison

If J.K Rowling stopped after being turned down by multiple publishers for years, there would be no Harry Potter.

I’m affected by the prayer that goes to me. Hope you’ll find the stronger me soon,

The succeed me soon, the beau-tough-full me soon, and the mature me soon.

I also actually choose to learn something from my past instead of cursing it.

“You are not finished when you lose, you finished when you quit”

When you feel like giving up...... Hold on tighter. When you feel like complaining...... Appreciate. When you feel like quitting...... Start over.When you can’t even see the bright side, let your faith SPEAK UP.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Lucy Lie is a student who has constant love for Arts and Vintage Fashion but choosing to study Global Politics in university because she found it as significant as twice. No one can beat her at daydreaming. Things she believes to be true; Pug is the Cutest Animal Alive, Indomie Taste Better With Milk and----Jesus not supposed to be part of our lives but instead, our whole lives.

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P.S.

14/01/2018 - as I have grown up, (we all are) I've had through a lot of changes in every aspects. Including the way I dress - fashion taste. I happened to be in constant love of Modern Classic 50s-90s style (I guess I just identified my true style and figured out that I liked myself better by being a woman properly & modestly dress after a few years knowing it) Now I'm in transition to convert---the upcoming Art Expression through Fashion will be different.---But bear with me, I'm balancing life between uni, work, ministry and passion. You too, have some time to take a peek at old Style Diaries of yours, it would have reminded you of how you have grown and doing just fine x