I’m
a straight guy, 17-and-a-half. I have a Catholic Christian
girlfriend and we’ve been going out for more than four months
now. She is still a virgin. I’ve been patient and have been
waiting for her to be OK with the idea of sex through the
whole relationship, but there’s been almost no advancement
or anything. I’ve tried to make sure that I’m not pressuring
her into anything, but after being at a sexual stalemate for
months, it’s starting to get a little old. Should I just keep
waiting? Am I expecting too much? Please help.

—Clever
Acronym

First off, CA, no one who gives his age as “whatever-and-a-half”
is mature enough to be having sex himself, much less sitting
in judgment over someone else’s decision not to have sex.
If a
good-looking guy told me he was “27-and-a-half,” CA, I wouldn’t
fuck him until after he produced some ID proving he wasn’t
actually a 12-year-old with a glandular problem. Once a dude
has hair on his balls, CA, he’s supposed to drop the “and-a-half”
thing.

On to your Catholic Christian girlfriend: It’s too bad there
aren’t any Catholic Zoroastrians where you live—those bitches
really put out! But Catholic Christian girls are made of more
virtuous stuff, and if this one has managed to resist your
manifest charms for four long months, nothing I write here
will inspire her to lose her virginity with you. I’m sorry,
CA, but this sounds like a lost cause . . . unless . . .

Have you considered asking your girlfriend to take a virginity
pledge? It sounds crazy, I know, and you want her to fuck
you now, while you’re still 17-and-a-half, not save herself
for marriage! But a Harvard study found that half of all teenagers
who pledge to remain virgins until they marry have sex within
a year. Harvard interviewed 14,000 virginity pledgers in 1995
and again in 1996 and 2001. “They ranged in age from 12 to
18,” reports the Chicago Tribune, “[Researchers] found
that 52 percent of those who said they had signed virginity
pledges had had sex within a year.”

Convince your girlfriend to take a virginity pledge, CA, and
you’ll have a 50-50 chance of getting into her pants. You
may have to wait a whole year, CA, but you can always mess
around with one of those cheap and easy Catholic Scientologists
while you wait.

I am a gay student at the University of Iowa and there’s
this one guy that I see as we pass each other on our way to
and from classes. One day he caught me staring, which was
fine, except that he seemed to take my stare as an “OMG, there’s
a handicapped person in a wheelchair!” He gave me a “fuck
you” grimace. I wanted to scream, “No, it’s not that! I think
you’re hot!” But I’m not sure if he is gay. I have horrible
gaydar, which has caused me to chase after straight guys and
kept me nice and virginal.

Every subsequent time seeing him has been a little better
(we’re up to friendly nods), but I don’t know how to go up
to him and engage him in a conversation that would let him
know that I am interested in him and not some weird Christian
trying to make him feel accepted so he’ll join my bible-study
group.

—Waiting
To Roll

I’m sure the guy in the wheelchair will be relieved to know
that you’re not some weird Christian who wants him to join
your bible-study group, but instead a nice, normal gay boy
who wants to pull him out of his chair and fuck the living
shit out of him right there on the quad. That should come
as a relief.

Look, WTR, you’re going to have to grow a set. You’ve gone
from stare-and-glare to nodding, but you’re not going to get
anywhere else if you don’t have the balls to walk up to him
and introduce yourself.

STRAIGHT
RIGHTS UPDATE: I’ve been running around with my hair on fire
trying to convince my straight readers that religious conservatives
don’t just hate homos. Their attacks on gay people, relationships,
parents, and sex get all the press, but the American Taliban
has an anti-straight-rights agenda too. As I wrote on March
23: “The GOP’s message to straight Americans: If you have
sex, we want it to fuck up your lives as much as possible.
No birth control, no emergency contraception, no abortion
services, no lifesaving vaccines. If you get pregnant, tough
shit. You’re going to have those babies, ladies, and you’re
going to make those child-support payments, gentlemen. And
if you get HPV and it leads to cervical cancer, well, that’s
too bad. Have a nice funeral, slut.”

After raising the alarm for months back here in the sex ads
section, I was intensely gratified to read Russell Shorto’s
brilliant cover story, “The War on Contraception,” in the
New York Times Magazine last weekend. To readers who
think I’m being hysterical: So you don’t think the religious
right would seriously go after birth control? Fine, don’t
believe me. But maybe you’ll believe Shorto when he lays out
the American Taliban’s plan to deny access to birth control—any
and all types, folks, not just emergency contraception.

“In
particular, and not to put too fine a point on it, they want
to change the way Americans have sex,” Shorto writes. “Contraception,
by [their] logic,” Shorto continues, “encourages sexual promiscuity,
sexual deviance (like homosexuality), and a preoccupation
with sex that is unhealthful even within marriage.” Shorto
quotes Judie Brown, president of the American Life League:
“We see a direct connection between the practice of contraception
and the practice of abortion. The mind-set that invites a
couple to use contraception is an antichild mind-set. So when
a baby is conceived accidentally, the couple already have
this negative attitude toward the child. Therefore seeking
an abortion is a natural outcome. We oppose all forms of contraception.”
And there’s this from R. Albert Mohler Jr., president of the
Southern Baptist Theological Seminary: “I cannot imagine any
development in human history, after the Fall, that has had
a greater impact on human beings than the pill… Prior to it,
every time a couple had sex, there was a good chance of pregnancy.
Once that is removed, the entire horizon of the sexual act
changes. I think there could be no question that the pill
gave incredible license to everything from adultery and affairs
to premarital sex and within marriage to a separation of the
sex act and procreation.”

I’ll say it again, breeders: The American Taliban is not just
opposed to straight premarital sex, with their abstinence
education and hilariously ineffective virginity pledges, or
gay sex, with their “ex-gay” campaigns and their anti-gay-marriage
amendments. The American Taliban doesn’t think married
heterosexual couples should be able to use birth control.
If you care about your own freedom—not just your right to
have premarital sex, but your right to decide whether, when,
and how many children you’re going to have—you need to read
“The War on Contraception.” And don’t comfort yourself with
the notion that these are just some antisex religious wackos:
The Bush administration not only listens to these wackos,
it appoints them to important positions all over the federal
government—and let’s not even think about the members of the
American Taliban that Bush has already appointed to lifetime
positions in the federal judiciary.

This is some serious shit, breeders. You’re being attacked.
It’s time to fight back.