Social Question

What is your view on adoption from the childs perspective?

I am adopted but wasnt particularly treated brilliantly – I wasnt abused or anything just a bit neglected ie, my parents had a party to go to when I was 8 and this was on boxing day so they left me in the village park in the morning and I remember sitting on a swing feeling very embarassed because I new my school friends would be around later and think it was a bit strange…..I love my parents but have been told all sorts of things by them, ie, my father told me when I was 16 that he felt I split the family up (I have an older brother who isnt adopted) and that I was lucky to be here etc…...I dont know really how to deal with all this…..any suggestions??

17 Answers

All parents make mistakes, and not all parents whether real of adoptive are not perfect. If you are angry about the things they said can you not talk to them? If you are an adult now perhaps distance yourself from them if you find them hurtful.

I’m glad you have a family. Families are complicated and even where the children are born into the family, relationships can be complicated. We all have to find our place in the family and sometimes we become part of a family we choose. I wish I could tell you how to feel better in your present family. Would you feel comfortable talking to one or both your adopted parents about how you feel as an adopted child?

I have tried talking to them but their responses are defensive – they were young at the time 21 and 24 and they had their lives to lead which I do understand but being a mother of a 21 20 and 11 year myself now I cannot understand their lack of patience, understanding, love…...distancing myself has to be the answer sadly….

You have three children; some grown, others still growing. If your present family is warm and patient and loving, then somehow you found your way to make a more healthy family than the one in which you grew up. My children have never experienced much love or consistent caring from their biological mother but they are loved and valued by me, their father. My wife (not their bio-mom) loves and cares about them too.

You might feel better with some distance but you can still live the door open if they should feel the desire to reestablish a connection with you. I wish you a happy, fulfilling life in the present.

Deal with it by letting go of it. It’s done. Build the life you want and enjoy it. I could tell you some things like that from my childhood too, but why. I don’t carry it around on my shoulder; I rarely even think about it. I worked hard and built a great life for my family and me. I found more happiness than I, as a child, thought possible in this life.

@venusPdiaz You can look at it many ways. Someone cared enough about you to give you a home and a place to grow up. Sure, no one is perfect and parenting isn’t easy. My grandfather and his brother and sister were dropped off at an orphanage when they were little. His parents divorced and his mother was going to remarry a guy and he didn’t want the kids. So she dumped them. He treasured family as he became an adult and a parent.

Our parents came from a different era. They looked at adoption differently, and most importantly, they didn’t think psychology was all that important or necessary. They don’t question themselves the same way we do. They question themselves in light of a different ethical and moral system.

They were doing a good thing adopting you. It was charity to some degree. They didn’t feel like they had to be terribly analytical about how they parented. They had no idea of the psychological problems they could cause their adopted or natural children. I bet your brother has plenty of complaints, too.

The question is what do you want from them? Whatever it is, you won’t get it. But it helps to know what you want. Then you can mourn it.

My parents never really seemed to love each other, and I wanted them to love me, but there just didn’t seem to be much love around the house. Later, after my father died, I discovered he had been having an affair with someone. I found the letters in his things, and I burned them before my mother could see them. I wish I hadn’t done that now, but that’s what happened.

I don’t know what was going on between my parents. Why did they fall out of love? Were they ever in love? Was there some other reason they were together? Why did I not have any siblings? A million unanswered questions that are now unanswerable. They are dead and the information is gone.

Why do I want to know? I guess I think it could help explain some things about myself. But that doesn’t matter any more and maybe never did. I was always just me, responsible for myself. I’ve never been able to sustain a relationship. Is that related? Would knowing their story help me? I doubt it. My problems are my problems. I have to sort this out myself. In the end, we are all on our own, and while understanding our parents may help us gain perspective, it doesn’t help us change or be who we want to be. Especially not when we are in our forties and fifties and sixties and so on.

Regardless of why you feel this way or whether your parents did their best, you feel this way. You obviously have left over pain about how you were raised and treated. I feel you should speak to a counsellor and try to resolve these feelings. It may then be possible for you to find ways to forgive your parents for their shortcomings and let this hurt go.