Please use your inside voice

Lol my fan is so loud when I close the door I can’t hear my parents screaming at each other.

I actually sort of think my dad may go through some sort of monthly issue like PMS but I don’t think there’s any sort of scientific reason behind his temperamental and anger management issues. It’s weird because he used to be a lot worse. And when I say used to, I mean maybe around six years ago? I mean recently we had a huge fight because I wanted to turn on the air conditioning and he said it’s a waste of energy and basically said he would kill me at that very moment by punching me and he wouldn’t even care about the consequences.

Literally I said to him, okay, the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you being so crazy over the air conditioning… And I slammed the door and then he rams into it trying to get in like a fucking maniac saying he’s going to knock me dead. I was like okay, kill me then (you idiot). And then he’s all like, “why you slam the door?!” And I say, because I’m angry at you for not letting me turn on the air conditioning when my room is fucking what 35 degrees and I can’t breathe, i.e. what we were just arguing about (idiot). And he gets even more angry because he doesn’t like my answer and I’m like, what, that’s exactly why I slammed the door and I don’t even give a fuck.

What’s weird is that my mum was downstairs shouting for him to stop screaming, yet she didn’t take the actual effort to come and stop him. I mean, hello, he said he was going to murder your own daughter, what are you gonna do about it. Obviously she’d rather I die than to come up and have him get angry at her as well. So good luck dealing with the popo when they find a dead teenage girls body in your house that is your freaking daughter.

Anyway so right now I’m just chilling in the only place in my room that I can sit down on, my bed. I was about to start planning my (very stressful) 19th birthday when I realised, oops, my bladder is almost full. Not oops, I did not actually piss myself thanks. So I opened my door and was surprised to hear my parents screaming at each other again in chinese. As usual when I first hear them fight, my heart is like “uh oh,” and I slowly freeze and try to listen. Realise this, I am all the way upstairs, nearly on the other end of the house and they’re in the kitchen. What I mean by that, is their shouting is motherfucking loud. All I can understand mostly is something about arms and hitting them, and maybe murder. Sigh, just calm the fuck down. My aunty is over as well so please, calm the fuck down.

So yeah I don’t really know what they were arguing about. I heard something about money and medication, maybe for my mum, or from my acne creams, I don’t know. I feel like they might be stressed over all the investment properties they’ve bought, which is quite a lot. And I feel like they don’t even really know what they’re doing…

I dunno. Every time I turn on the air conditioning because it’s too hot in my room my mum’s like, just come downstairs it’s cooler. First of all, everything I want is in my room. If I’m at home I’m in my room (or the kitchen). Secondly, why the hell would I want to hang around downstairs with you. You stare at me, watch what I’m doing on my computer or phone, annoy me, and do gross things.

I could tell my dad was pissed even when I got home. I had thought, er how can you be pissed already, what can you even pissed off about. The only thing I can think of that I know about is that my aunty came over for dinner, but mum hadn’t made dinner, and dad tried calling her but mum didn’t pick up her phone because the screen was frozen. Which to be honest, is a much too petty reason to be angry. Why don’t you just cook? He was planning to just eat at our local japanese restaurant which has yummy eel, but mum was just like no, I’ll cook fish and stuff, it’s quick. I think he might’ve gotten pissed then.

Also this event that I will describe to you pretty much confirms his jealousy of my meal freedom. You see, one day mum made dinner, but I ate a mango instead. And today, mum is making dinner, and I had a delicious pork roll instead, and some ice cream. And today, my aunt was apparently eyeing the mangos but my dad told her that they were for me (lol). He was very bitter about this. Because mum then said to him, er she (my aunt) can eat them! They’re not all for me (me). And he got pissy because my mum told him that he basically couldn’t eat the mango the other day because it was for me. I dunno this explanation is boring. So maybe their argument stemmed from that.

But to be honest, I can’t even be bothered trying to decipher why the fuck they’re fighting because a lot of the times the things they scream over are fucking petty as fuck. They can be so immature.

And what I also thought when I peed was that, this is why I’m like this. I scream at them because they scream at each other, and they also used to scream at me. Every teenager probably feels like this but it was fucking annoying when I used to (and sometimes still) fight with my parents and they don’t even fucking listen to what you’re actually saying, and this tends to lead to screaming. Though the thing is, what I then thought in my puny brain, is that I can’t blame them for how I am now. When I was little you can blame them, because you don’t know any better. But the fact that I am aware and so conscious of this I have the power to be different a change. I have my own mind and make my own decisions about how I want to be.

That’s how I feel about complacent people. I know I am lazy, that’s not something I’m proud of or attribute to “just being me.” It’s something that I want to change. But people who are just complacent with their flaws that they know are fucking flaws and basically prevent them from achieving and succeeding and being the best they can be at life, are just fucking stupid. Being hard working, and not lazy, is so important for just life. Everything is hard and takes effort, you just have to realise this. Anything easy is not worth doing. It’s only when it becomes difficult and you overcome obstacles that what you do is worthwhile.

So derp.

Sigh I have to clean my room it is actually a dump. And I have so many new clothes and shoes to find a home for. And I have to plan my birthday. And I have to make facebook events. And just life is a lot to do and it’s hard. I spent too much money today…