Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Mel at Stirrup Queens, who has always been a great supporter of the childless/free-not-by-choice corner of the ALI community, had a wonderful post today about us -- and how it's important for everyone caught up in the cyclone storm of infertility & loss to remember that procreation & pregnancy & parenting is just one part of your life -- that there are other things in life beyond parenting (really!).

I've been thinking a lot lately about how much our CNBC part of the community has grown and changed and strengthened over the past few years. Partly this was inspired by a recent gathering of several childless-not-by-choice bloggers in Vancouver. Those who attended have already written several great posts about that meetup and what it meant to them to be there, including Pamela, Lisa, Kathleen, Cathy and Sarah (here and here). (I was dying to go, but the rest of my life got in the way -- perhaps someday in the future...!)

Partly it's also because, right now, it's almost exactly 15 years ago (one of those "anniversaries" that seem important because they're divisible by 5, lol) that I was licking my wounds after the failure of my third agreed-upon IUI, recovering from a series of debilitating anxiety attacks that threw me for a (further) loop in the wake of that failure, and wondering what the future held in store for me & dh. (You can read about my fertility treatment journey and the immediate aftermath in the series of posts I wrote in 2010, labelled "The Treatment Diaries.") Neither dh nor I had the appetite (let alone the budget) to continue further fertility treatment -- or to begin the gruelling process of adoption. As I told the infertility counsellor we saw, I knew we could have a good life together with just the two of us -- because we already did! -- but facing the reality of a future without the children we had long assumed would be ours -- in a world gone nuts for baby bumps -- was scary stuff.

Looking back, there was so very little out there in the way of support. Dh & I had been attending a "real life" support group to cope with our daughter's stillbirth; there were a few local infertility support groups, but I understood they were geared towards couples who were still going through treatment, not those who wanted to move on. I had been somewhat hesitant to join an online loss or infertility group, but I knew they were out there and had been lurking on a few for awhile. Maybe there were similar online sites for women like me, who were facing a childless future? (Blogs, at that time, were pretty much non-existent.)

Fortunately, there were. Not many, and even fewer that were very active, but they were out there. Just before we embarked on our family vacation on the Oregon Coast, I found a "childless living" message board on iVillage -- and it was there that I finally found my tribe. :) Sadly, the board no longer exists, but my first post there was July 18, 2001 (I still have a printed copy of it). I consider that post and that date to be the beginning of my journey on this road less travelled, towards acceptance of a life without children. (I've written about the board and the role it played in my journey several times in the past, including here. And I'm hoping to meet up with one of the women I "met" there during my upcoming summer road trip/vacation!)

This fall it will be nine (!) years since I started blogging. (Mel just recently marked the 10-year blogoversary of Stirrup Queens -- go congratulate her, if you haven't already!) At that time, in October 2007, there were very few CNBC-focused blogs on Mel's gargantuan blogroll -- most notably Pamela's original blog, Coming2Terms. Gradually, other voices began to join ours. By 2012, I noted the growing momentum of our segment of the ALI community in a post titled "I am childless, hear me roar." ;)

While the ALI blogosphere has been pretty quiet lately, compared to when I first started blogging, I've noticed that the childless/free part of the community just keeps growing and flourishing. Pamela is still blogging and advocating for infertility survivors at Silent Sorority, and there are now several hubs on the Internet where women without children can gather and find each other, such as Gateway Women and Life Without Baby. Last fall in Cleveland, Karen at The NotMom organized the first-ever conference for women who don't have children, either by chance or by choice. She's planning another for October 2017. And there have been several great new blogs launched in recent months (and while I've been adding them as I find them to my blog reader, I just realized that I badly need to update my blogroll here -- my apologies!).

Do we still have miles to go before we sleep? (Sorry, I think I'm mixing up my Frost metaphors here, lol.) Absolutely. There's no doubt that we are finding our voices; whether the broader community (outside -- and still, sometimes, inside -- the ALI world) is ready to hear those voices and accept our message, I'm not quite so sure.

But just looking at how far we've come over these past 15 years gives me great hope for the future -- for myself, for my fellow CNBC bloggers, and for those who will come after us. :) And of course, the journey is a lot less lonely and a lot more fun when you have company along the way. :)

Monday, June 27, 2016

Three graduations last week (on top of the ones that were held earlier in June, and in May, in the States).

Four more days left in June.

Four more days of cap and gown photos, "I'm so proud" FB posts, "they are growing up too fast" comments, last day of school celebrations.

Dh's cousin's wife -- pregnant at the same time as me -- posted photos of her son's graduation last week on Facebook. It was a gut-punch like I haven't had in quite some time. I swallowed hard & somehow managed to hit the "like" button. But I could not bring myself to leave even a terse "congratulations" comment.

Infertility and stillbirth -- the gifts that just keep on giving. :p

Little girl, I can only imagine you in your prom dress, and your cap & gown. I would have been so proud too.

Sunday, June 26, 2016

"Vittoria Cottage" is the latest book we're reading & discussing together on my online D.E. Stevenson group. It's a typical DES read -- the literary equivalent of comfort food, or a nice cup of tea.

The plot, such as it is, revolves around Caroline Dering, a 40-something widow, whose life revolves around her three grownup children in post-WWII England. Picking blackberries one day, Caroline meets a mysterious stranger, Robert Shepperton, who has come to stay in the village. Of course she winds up falling in love with him -- but alas, he seems to have fallen for her visiting younger sister, Harriet (and Harriet for him).

Meanwhile, Caroline's son returns home from military service in Malaya, and her spoiled, headstrong older daughter becomes engaged to the son of a prominent local nobleman, against the wishes of both families. It's not much of a plot -- it ends rather abruptly, and in some ways, it's very dated. I wouldn't say it's the best DES novel I've read, but the characters are well-drawn and endearing, and the writing draws you in to the story. On its own merits, it was enjoyable, and I'm having fun taking part in the online discussions.

While I wasn't entirely satisfied with the abrupt ending, there are two more books about the Dering family we'll be reading & discussing in the months to come: "Music in the Hills" and "Shoulder the Sky."

ALI note: Caroline assists at a difficult delivery of a premature baby. And she has another sister who has no children. She is mentioned but not seen in this book, but I understand she figures more prominently in the next novel. Hmmm...

Monday, June 20, 2016

I come from a long line of great cookie makers. Well, I don't know about further back, but my Grandma always had baked treats in the pantry (her antique hobnail milk glass cookie jar proudly sits on my kitchen counter), and my mother firmly believes there is no cookie like a home-baked cookie.

I baked a fair bit when I was first married -- cookies, coffee cakes, muffins. Peak baking time for me used to be pre-Christmas: I would go into a frenzy of activity, mixing up one kind of cookie dough after another, every evening for several days in a row, refrigerating it, and then baking one pan after another on Remembrance Day, which was a day off work for me. I'd whip up mini-loaves of fruitcake (which people actually liked! -- perhaps because I'd soak the fruit in brandy for several days first, lol), sometimes cranberry orange bread, and two or three or even four kinds of Christmas cookies.

But November-December was our busiest time of year at work, and what should have been something fun became just one more item to cram into the schedule. The house would be full of excess calories that we didn't need for weeks afterward, even after I hauled containers full of sweets to work, to BIL's house, and even home to Mom & Dad's. And after the loss of my little girl (due to join our family in November 1998), I found my heart just wasn't in it. My mom & I still baked cookies together whenever she came to visit -- but she hasn't been here in a while. And so I have barely touched my flour sifter or electric hand mixer or cookie sheets in recent years. Dh suggested my collection of baking pans was a prime candidate to send to the thrift store when we were downsizing our stuff in preparation for the big move to a condo. I recoiled in horror. (Men -- duh...)

Maybe that was the spark. Saturday, he went out with BIL & the nephews. And I pulled out my baking pans and mixing bowls and the electric hand mixer, and went to work. And texted him that there were cookies in the oven. I don't know if BIL & the nephews had originally planned to come in when they brought him back home later, but the four of them walked through the door of our condo unit a few hours later.

"Wow, it smells amazing in here," Younger Nephew said. I positively beamed as I watched them help themselves to one oatmeal chocolate chip cookie after another, still warm from the oven.

(Hillary Clinton's recipe, from the infamous 1992 election bake-off, lol -- whatever you might think of her politics, it's a great chocolate chip cookie recipe!)(She won that contest.) ;)

I may have had my reservations about moving here, but if you'd asked me what my ideal picture of living here would be, it would have been this: having my two tall, handsome nephews drop by to visit and eat freshly baked cookies from Aunt Lori's kitchen. :) They totally made my day. :) I only wish I could have done it sooner, when they were little. (Hopefully I will have the chance for a do-over with some great-nieces and nephews in the years to come... ;) )

Sunday, June 19, 2016

My life is consumed with transitions lately, it seems. I still feel like we're not quite settled into our condo. Partly, I think, that's because we have furniture on order that won't be delivered until at least the end of the month. And we've been waiting to bring out & arrange our photos and other knick-knacks until then. (Yes, more boxes to unpack...!)

We did paint a couple of weekends ago (for those of you wondering, I settled on the blue paint), and that helped make the condo feel a little more our own.

Of course, the sofa we subsequently bought, from a fabric swatch, was more khaki/greenish than the grey/taupe-ish I expected -- and now I'm thinking I should have gone with the greyer shade of paint...! :p I am currently rethinking my colour scheme and the decorative knick-knacks I was planning to buy.

My body is also in transition these days. I've been having some weird (peri)menopausal/gynecological stuff going on again lately -- cramping & spotting almost every day for well over a week after the main event of AF's visit (some days better/worse than others). (Thankfully, and knocking wood, things seem to have -- finally -- settled down again now.) The ultrasound I had done in April raised no real alarms -- but the tech did note one area that was difficult to see clearly, where she thought there might be a slight thickening in the uterine lining. I went for my regular checkup with Dr. Ob-Gyn a few weeks ago and he thinks there's nothing to worry about, but he's agreed to send me back for another u/s in the fall for comparison, to ease my mind.

We have been for gelato three times over the past three weekends. If I don't gain 300 lbs. living here, it will be a miracle.

A friend posted photos on FB of sending her son off to nursery school, 15 years ago -- and picking him up on his very last day of school Friday. It hadn't hit me before that he too is Katie's age & graduating high school this month. One more reminder I didn't need. :p Two more weeks to go in June, and it should all be over, yes??! :p

It's Father's Day. We went to see FIL last night, I Skyped with my dad this morning, and left the rest of today's agenda entirely up to dh. Which meant an earlier trip to the bookstore (natch! ;) ), a roast simmering in the crockpot for dinner (yum!), golf on the TV, and dh napping on the couch as I type. ;) Ahhhh, Sundays. :)

Friday, June 17, 2016

Do you ever find yourself idly Googling people from your past, to find out what's happened to them? I do -- and sometimes I'm not prepared for what I find.

(Like learning that my party-hearty idiot sort-of boyfriend from first-year university is now not only married (!!) but to a woman who is active in Christian women's ministry!!! -- AND, to boot, is the father of not just one, not just two, but FOUR teenaged daughters!! Karma lives!! bahahaha!!)

I'm not sure what prompted me to Google my Grade 8 English teacher the other night -- but (perhaps because of his slightly uncommon last name) I found him in about two seconds flat. There was a photo. He was much greyer than I remembered, with a goatee (!), but it was definitely him.

And he was dead. The photo was attached to an obituary. He's been dead for 10 years now.

I was taken aback. My first thought was that he was way too young to be dead. And he was. He was just 57 when he died. (I gather it was a sudden thing, as the obituary mentioned the family's "shock.") Which means he was just (holy cow...) 25 years old when he was my teacher in 1974-75, more than (gulp) 40 years ago now.

This was just a few years after the heyday of the hippies -- and he WAS a bit of a hippie -- certainly in comparison to the other, older teachers we had. A classic early baby boomer, I guess. He wore his hair longish (as a lot of young guys did then). There's a photo in one of my yearbooks of him playing his guitar in class, although I don't remember him doing it myself. We used to sometimes make fun of him for trying to act young & hip -- of course, at 13-14 ourselves, he certainly seemed old enough to us.

But he was a good teacher, and his class was probably my favourite that year. I don't remember much of what we read, but I do remember "Cue for Treason" early that fall. We wrote a lot of short stories, for which he gave out "Silver Pen Awards" (I got several of them). We did a newspaper project, which whetted my appetite for a career in journalism. We had to make an appointment to come talk to him after regular class hours about the books we were reading, several times during the year (no problem for me, of course...!). At one such session, he told me his mother had read the same book I had just read, & had given his sister the same unusual name as the heroine.

I was new to town/the school that year, a shy, gawky 13-year-old (what a horrible age), and he was always very kind & encouraging, particularly when it came to my writing. Yes, I probably had a bit of a crush on him ;) even though he wasn't classically handsome, and my 13-year-old self would have been horrified at the thought. ;)

He co-coached our drama club the following year, when I was in Grade 9 and my sister was in Grade 8 -- we did a one-act play that won first prize at the local arts festival that year -- and then I went on to high school and didn't see much of him after that. He seemed like a perpetual bachelor, but he I heard he did eventually get married, & his obituary listed two children.

I remember writing a note of thanks several years ago to my high school English teacher. (Once I got to university, I realized just how much better prepared I was than the vast majority of my class and dorm mates, who didn't have a clue about how to research or structure a proper term paper, let alone citations -- thank you, Mr. P!) It was something I had meant to do for a long time, and I am so glad I finally did it, before he retired.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Reading: Beginning "Vittoria Cottage" by D.E. Stevenson, the next book we're reading & discussing on my DES online group. It's hard to find a paper version, but I managed to get an e-book through Amazon. However, because I don't have a Kindle (I do have a Kobo), I will be reading it via Kindle app on my cellphone & laptop. This should be interesting...!

Watching: EuroCup soccer. (Well, dh is.) Soccer is huge in the GTA, including the predominantly Italian-Canadian community where we're now living, and there are lots of flags flying from car windows these days. Our condo building is on a major thoroughfare, and we expect to hear a lot of honking car horns whenever Italy wins a game.

Listening: To the rattle and hum of construction equipment -- again. They took a break the last few days (Saturday, Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday), for some unknown reason. It was funny how quiet it seemed around here!

Drinking: Iced tea with lemon. Ahhhh, summer! :)

Eating: For dinner tonight: tortellini in chicken broth with some peas thrown in for veggie content. Easy, filling & tasty.

Wearing: Yoga pants have finally given way to wearing shorts & T-shirts around the house, and capris & sandals outside. Yay!!

Wishing: That the rest of our new furniture would hurry up and arrive. But it likely won't be here until at least the end of the month. :p

Loving: Our new condo. (The novelty still hasn't worn off, lol.)

Wondering: Why the drivers around here are so completely nuts. :p (It seems like drivers everywhere are pretty awful these days, but I think the locals here take the proverbial cake...)

Sneezing: My seasonal allergies are acting up again lately, probably as bad as they've been for a few years. Lots of sneezing, sniffling, raw throat, itchy eyes, the works. :p Saw my allergist last month and she gave me a prescription for Reactine, which she thinks is better than the Claritin I've been taking for years. It's double the strength of the over the counter version -- I've just been taking half a pill and I'll admit it's been fairly effective. It's also cheaper than buying anything over the counter because I can claim it on my supplementary medical insurance. ;)

Planning: Our summer vacation -- including (gulp!) our first major road trip together!! We've done some major road trips together with my parents, but not with just the two of us. The longest drive I think we've ever taken was a day drive around the Cabot Trail in Cape Breton Island in 2010, which took us about six hours. And it took us about four hours to drive to Cape Breton from Halifax. This will entail a lot more driving and longer distances than that (eeeekkkk). I've been telling people it could be the most fun thing we'll ever do together, or the dumbest -- most likely a bit of both. Guess we'll find out...!

The election Traister writes about here is the 2008 U.S. presidential election, including not only the story of Hillary Clinton's historic but unsuccessful campaign for the Democratic Party nomination, but also of Michelle Obama's critical role in her husband's campaign (and how she had to downplay her own considerable accomplishments to make herself -- and him -- more palatable to the broader American public), Sarah Palin's rise to fame as John McCain's running mate, and other ways that women affected the contest. What did it mean to be an American woman and a feminist in 2008? Traister explores this question thoroughly.

The story of the 2008 election is framed by Traister's own experiences and observations as a young feminist writer. She began the year as a John Edwards supporter. She didn't especially like Hillary Clinton and, like so many others, found herself wowed by Barack Obama (or, perhaps more accurately, by Michelle Obama) -- but by the time Clinton conceded defeat to Obama...

I looked around at the people waving their flags, hoisting their kids, and cheering for her. My phone began to vibrate with calls from my mother, my cousin, my girlfriends, all watching from their homes. As Clinton stepped off the stage, I saw a text from Geraldine. "I am completely losing it," she wrote. It was then that I lost it too. Sprinting from the press area, where Clinton's reporting squad were saying their goodbyes after months on the road together, I found space behind a pillar. Next to me was Matt Drudge, who seemed not to realize or care that I was stupidly sobbing. I was so tired. Tired of caring so much about a woman I hadn't meant to care about at all. Tired of arguing with my friends. Tired of being angry at people I'd never been angry at before. Tired of being identified with Hillary even when I didn't like her. Tired of resisting the fact that maybe I did like her quite a lot. (page 203)

Reading this book now, eight years later, in the middle of the primaries leading up to the 2016 election, I had the weird sensation of deja vu, or history repeating itself. Clashes between two different generations of feminists? Check. Outrageously sexist remarks from other candidates and media commentators? Check. Controversial statements by Gloria Steinem? Check. Frat-boy types running the leading male contender's campaign? Check. Ad nauseum commentary about Clinton's "likeability" (or lack thereof)? Check.

Coincidentally, I happened to be reading the very page describing Clinton's pre-convention concession to Obama, with the famous quote about the glass ceiling with 18 million cracks in it, on the morning after Clinton clinched the 2016 Democratic Party nomination (which was exactly 8 years to the day later). I remember tears rolling down my face as Clinton moved to make Obama's nomination unanimous at the 2008 convention; my eyes welled up again as I watched this latest, even more historic moment.

If you believe that it's high time America had a woman president -- or even if you're not convinced that having a woman as president would or should be a big frickin' deal -- or that that woman should be Hillary Clinton -- read this book. You might not change your mind -- but you WILL find yourself thinking.

(In Canada, we've already had a female prime minister -- albeit we've never actually had one who was elected to the job by voters. Kim Campbell became prime minister in 1993 by virtue of winning the leadership of the Progressive Conservatives, the governing party of the time, after Brian Mulroney stepped down as prime minister and party leader. Her tenure as PM lasted all of four months: the party was decimated in the Oct. 25 election, in which she lost her own seat in Parliament, and she resigned the party leadership shortly afterward. Several women from a number of different political parties have also been elected as premiers of several Canadian provinces over the past 25 years.)

Monday, June 13, 2016

Dh & I went to a wedding reception this past weekend, the first one we've attended in about four years. The bride was the only (other, if you count Katie) cousin of our two nephews, the daughter of our SIL's oldest brother. We attended her parents' wedding more than 30 years ago; we've known her since she was a baby. (You know you're getting old when the children of your friends and cousins start getting married, right?)

As with most of these "milestone" occasions, it was bittersweet for both me & dh. Overall, we had a good time, getting dressed up (something we so seldom do these days...!!), visiting with friends & relatives, enjoying the dinner, bursting with pride over our tall, handsome nephews (both ushers in the bridal party) & their lovely fiancées.

But watching the bride's normally taciturn father deliver an emotional toast, his voice cracking, and then the two of them sharing a father-daughter dance, was tough. Dh & I squeezed hands under the table.

At one point during the dance, I saw one of his cousins looking at us. I wonder if she realized what we were both thinking?

Monday, June 6, 2016

I feel like I haven't been blogging much since the big move, which was six (!!) weeks ago now. I did manage 8 posts in May, which is not unsubstantial -- albeit not all of those posts were ALI-related. Still, 8 posts is 8 posts. ;)

I have to admit that while never a day goes by that I'm not thinking about infertility, pregnancy loss and/or involuntary childlessness in some way or another, it has not been dominating my thoughts and emotions lately in the way that it once did. Blog posts haven't been as quick to pop into my head lately. In part, I suppose it's because I've had plenty of other stuff to occupy my mind these past few months (and how...!! lol). In part, I think it's the regular ebb & flow of blogging inspiration at work. I also think that enough time has gone by that ALI-related matters have lost a lot of their sting. They're always there, of course -- lurking in the background, sometimes surging into the forefront with unexpected ferocity. But the hurt is not as constant nor as overwhelmingly painful as it was in years past. Progress?

I guess it's also because my identity as a bereaved mother is in transition these days. When I used to think about Katie & what she'd be doing (and what I'd be missing out on, as her mother), I always had a pretty clear picture in my head. I had yardsticks to measure her progress by: she'd be in Grade 1, 2, 3 and so on, and I'd look at the kids around me to get an idea of how big she'd be, what her interests might be, what she'd be studying in school and so on.

She'd be a big girl now, probably as tall as she was ever going to get, almost a full-fledged adult -- graduating from high school in a few weeks, off to university this fall, "legal" (gulp) in some provinces. From here on in, the picture in my head of who my daughter might have been is going to start getting fuzzier, I think. I can imagine what university she'd be at, what she'd major in, what kind of boys she might be dating, what kind of a career she might be interested in -- but I will never KNOW, in the same way that I KNEW she'd (most likely) be in this or that grade and probably reading Harry Potter because three other 12-year-olds I know were too.

The parents around me with kids who would have been Katie's peers are bemoaning their upcoming empty nests. Their kids are growing up & away from them. My nest has never NOT been empty, but I am facing the same kind of transition in my relationship with my daughter too. She would have been getting older, growing up and away from me (as it should have been).

And I AM getting older.

My high school friends and cousins are becoming grandparents. I'm already retired (early & not by choice), and more of them are starting to join me. My home life has been in transition for months, with the move to a condo, old furniture being sent to the thrift store and new furniture being delivered to take its place. My body is in transition too, with menopause seemingly just around the corner (finally!! -- why couldn't I go through it at 50, like everyone else??!).

It's sort of weird to have so many things in flux at the same time, but I guess that's life for you -- always throwing you curveballs, always changing.

About Me

Our baby girl was stillborn in August 1998 when I was six months pregnant, after 13 years of marriage & 2.5 years ttc. Subsequent infertility treatments did not work for us and in 2001, at age 40, my dh & I decided to take the road less travelled and continue to live without children, much as we had wanted them. This blog is about our journey (which now includes early retirement and condo living!).

Do you know me in "real life?"

If you are a friend or relative who has somehow found this blog... ummm... hi there! ; ) I realize that nothing on the Internet is truly private, and that, so long as this blog is public, I cannot stop you from reading it.

However -- I did not start writing this blog with with the idea that people I know "in real life" would be reading it -- and I would be grateful if you did not read any further. My blog is primarily about infertility and pregnancy loss, and how they have affected my life -- my experiences, thoughts and feelings. It has always (well, until now...) been a "safe" and invaluable outlet where I can deal with some deeply painful, personal stuff -- things are difficult for me to speak about openly -- and connect with others in a similar situation.

Whatever you do, I would very much appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone else that we both know about this blog. Thank you for respecting my wishes and my privacy.

Header design

Photo & header design by Melissa Ford

Epigraph

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—I took the one less traveled by,And that has made all the difference.

-- Robert Frost

Favourite quotes

"Life is what happens while you're making other plans." -- John Lennon

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." -- Joseph Campbell

"I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity." -- Gilda Radner