iVillage: Breaking Off Your Engagement: The Rules

It's Okay to Have the Party... Later

Caterers, photographers, band leaders and florists know that not every engagement culminates in a wedding, so if you give them enough notice, many will refund your deposits or allow you to bank them for a future, happier, occasion. “When my cake vendor wouldn’t return my $300 deposit, I turned that into a positive by using the money to buy birthday cakes for me and my mother. They were the yummiest birthday cakes we ever had,” says Catherine Gryp, who ended her engagement three months before her wedding and then launched the breakup survival blog "Simply Solo."

If you’ve broken off your engagement within just days or hours of the event and refunds aren’t possible, it’s socially acceptable to have the party, says Post. “You’re not having the celebration you were planning so you don’t want to crank up the party music, but it’s nice to invite people to enjoy the food so it doesn’t go to waste.”

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Even if you’re in the big white dress. Even if Pachelbel’s Canon is playing and necks are craning in anticipation of your walk down the aisle. If you know in your bones that saying “I do” will be a colossal mistake, turn on your dyed-to-match stilettos and walk the other way -- fast.

Yes, it will be the hardest thing you’ve ever done. But you owe it to yourself and your wannabe spouse to yank the emergency brake if you want out. Sure, you may forfeit some of your deposits and you’ll have to answer some tough questions about your change of heart, but bailing on a wedding ultimately costs less pain and money than filing for divorce, says psychologist Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D., author of "A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness."

You may be tempted to take the coward’s way out by sending your fiancé a “Can’t do it. So sorry,” text, but it's a major faux pas, says Anna Post, great-great-granddaughter of etiquette maven Emily Post and author of the sixth edition of "Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette."

“If you’ve been in a relationship with someone, they deserve to hear the news face-to-face in real time,” says Post. “A two-way conversation, by phone or video chat if it’s not possible to speak in person, pays respect to that person’s voice in the relationship, even if you won’t be changing your mind about the breakup.”

Brace yourself: Odds are the talk won’t be pretty, but be kind, sensitive and direct. Trying to cushion the blow by dancing around the issue just makes things worse, says Miami Marriage and Family Therapist Lisa Paz, Ph.D. “You’re about to shatter someone’s world, so rip the bandage off fast,” says Paz. “Tell him, 'I made a mistake. I am terribly sorry.'" And don't keep the possibility open that you might change your mind. You’ll only break his heart all over again.

Remember that old playground rhyme? Count on your fiancé having some choice words about you breaking off the engagement. You’ll get through it easier if you allow the anger to bounce off you without reacting to it. Unless his actions precipitated the break -- you caught him cheating or discovered a serious drug problem for instance -- he’s going to be justified in his hurt and anger. So let him rant.

“Don’t react and don’t personalize what he’s saying,” says Lombardo. “Accept that he’s upset. Trying to convince him that he’s wrong to feel what he’s feeling isn’t going to help matters.”

Facebook and Twitter are fabulous tools for mass communication, and if you’ve set up a wedding page for your event posting a cancellation notice there is fine. But you also need to reach out to your guests individually as a sign of respect. Also, not everyone is constantly logged into Facebook or Twitter so you need to make sure they get the message.

“A Facebook announcement is just too impersonal for people who are spending a lot of money to come to your wedding,” says Post. That’s not to say you have to take on the Herculean task of contacting everyone yourself. Enlist your bridesmaids and your parents to help contact guests on your behalf (as well as your wedding vendors). And while you ought to call your closest friends and family, personal emails are an acceptable way to get the key message out without getting trapped in potentially painful conversations you’re not ready to have. As to his side of the guest list, your fiancé should contact them himself.

Caterers, photographers, band leaders and florists know that not every engagement culminates in a wedding, so if you give them enough notice, many will refund your deposits or allow you to bank them for a future, happier, occasion. “When my cake vendor wouldn’t return my $300 deposit, I turned that into a positive by using the money to buy birthday cakes for me and my mother. They were the yummiest birthday cakes we ever had,” says Catherine Gryp, who ended her engagement three months before her wedding and then launched the breakup survival blog "Simply Solo."

If you’ve broken off your engagement within just days or hours of the event and refunds aren’t possible, it’s socially acceptable to have the party, says Post. “You’re not having the celebration you were planning so you don’t want to crank up the party music, but it’s nice to invite people to enjoy the food so it doesn’t go to waste.”

Guys pony up an average of $5,130 for the engagement ring, according to a survey by The Knot and WeddingChannel.com. So unless it’s a family heirloom, or you chipped in to buy it, you’re honor-bound --in some states legally obligated -- to give the ring back. “Some women feel very strongly that they’re owed that ring,” says Post. “But the ring represents a promise to marry and if you’re not going to get married, then you shouldn’t have that ring. It’s not a reward for putting up with bad behavior or dealing with a rough situation. It’s just going to be a reminder of a relationship you want to move on from.”

“Any gift that hasn’t been used should be returned,” says Post. “This is why engagement gifts are typically opened -- they’re meant for the couple to use while they’re engaged -- but wedding gifts are not. While you don’t anticipate a broken engagement, this is a good reason to hold off on using your wedding gifts until after you’re married.” And if you did bust open that Kitchen Aid mixer from Aunt Gertrude prematurely, Post says it’s not necessary to send it back (or money to cover it). You might consider giving it to charity, as Kim Kardashian did. If you opt to keep the mixer, at least send Aunt Gertrude a note, explaining the circumstances, says Post. “We’re a society that likes everything to come out nice and even and square, but this is a messy situation, and things like this don’t always come out evenly in the wash. There will be some gifts that won’t be able to be returned. Everybody just needs to understand that you’re doing your best.”

Even if you know in your heart that you made the right decision, you need to mourn the end of your relationship. It’s normal to feel bad about hurting someone you care about and even miss your ex-fiancé. “You’re letting go of a life you envisioned,” says Paz. “You’re still going to be tearful. You’re still going to feel sad. You’re still going to feel empty. You still hurt someone. So understand that you might have bouts of relief when you feel ‘I’m free!’ But you might also have smaller bouts of feeling very sad, too."

Should you keep it? Should you sell it? Should you donate it? Would you even consider wearing it if you marry someone else? For some women, their wedding dress is inextricably tied to the marriage they cancelled and they’d pay someone to take it off their hands. Others feel they found the perfect gown and they’re not giving it up because their ex wasn’t the perfect guy. You don’t need to decide the fate of your gown immediately, but for your own sanity, get your mother or a friend to put it away in one of their closets so you’re not constantly reminded that things didn't work out. “For a while, I had my dress in my house and it was like it was calling to me from my closet,” admits Gryp. “Getting rid of it will really help your emotional well-being.”