Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Show-seph and the Technicolor Dream Hoes: a Mr. Mulatto Theory

I know you're probably reading that title like Whaaaaat? Only to be followed by "is this nigga talking about?!" Don't worry, You'll get it...eventually.

Just to show you that I'm equal opportunity and hate on people of all races, I'm about to point out all the hoe tendencies in each race and show how by being cognisant of them all, you too can become well versed in the technicolor dream hoe theory.

Everyone has a dream girl, be she white, black, Asian, Messican or Pepperican. Sad part about it is, you're dream girl (along with everyone else's) is probably a hoe.

JK. Ok, I'm lying. She may not be a hoe, but shes definitely viewed as a hoe by other bi*ches who are most likely hoes themselves.

Let me explain...

You see, all women of different races classify those who are not the same as them as"hoes", be it intentionally or unintentionally. This is not simply a defense mechanism designed to maintain a superior view of any particular race so much as it is a misunderstanding amongst races in regards to cultural practices. That's right bitches....Show-Sho no homo's taking the day off and letting Mr. Mulatto bring you down his Technicolor spectrum of hoe activity. Owwwowwwwww. Enjoy.

White:

The quintessential white girl, blonde hair blue eyed type is viewed as a head cheerleader type bitch with huge hooters. Hmmm. I wonder where minorities got this stereotype from? Could it be restaurants like HOOTERS? Or could it be from magazines like Playboy which, although equally opportunity, were primarily associated with this ideal of alabaster beauty.

These are the hoes niggas try to pass off as not white but "Italian" or "Mixed" only to be received by an emphatic "whatever nigga." These girls typically like black men, or white men that act black as they are typically curvaceous and hence look like sistas. Yea i said it! Just because the Kim Kardasians of the world stole your best assets you automatically think they're gonna steal your man...(whether or not this proves true is irrelevant.)

All in all, this is why people think you are all hoes. It's not because you're waists are thinner than a lamb skinned condom and asses are as thick as Ninja Turtle shells. Please continue to eat foods that go straight to your budadonk and indulge in bulimic practices to keep that midsection thin. Kidding...unless you gon' do it (Nelly voice. ) JK. Nobody gives a f**k about Nelly...he's still rocking a part in 2009. Herb.

Orange:

Sure fat black chicks are more likely to wear orange, but I associate this color with Puertoricans cause they cook with a lot of sazon!! F**k you if you disagree, thats my story and I'm stickin to it. Anyways...you spicy, hot tempered latinas (and whoever says this is a stereotype has never dated one) know how to dance, and this...this shit right here nigga (Jay Z voice)...is dangerous.

Tantalizing men of all ages with your flirtatious body movements which are much more sultry and sexy than the booty poppinsista girls or house bunnies dancing off beat, you are able to captivate hearts and make niggas pop major wood. Sure the form fitting dresses and come fu*k me eyes help, but it's really the power of salsa, merengue and bachata which truly captivate.

Sure their man is dancing with them...but he's thinking about you. Thats why bi*ches call you hoes!! It's not because you fu*k at a young age and tend to have babies by the twos and threes. Keep doing that...I love a girl with youthful energy!

Brown:

Mexican chulas sure do have a lot of brown pride...so much even, that sometimes they dont even bother to speak english. Dudes think this is sexy (or annoying) , but females just see it as a ploy to avoid confrontation and responsibility. Sure they will fu*k your man with their eyes, but when you look back at them, the "no hablaingles" switch comes back on. That, my friends is why other women think you are hoes. It is not because you stay at home supposedly alone while your unattractive boyfriend works 10 different construction jobs. Keep doing that. I'll keep you company. ;)

Red:

Red bones, or light skinned black girls are hoes too. Why, might you ask? Because they usually have good hair and every woman hates a woman with better hair than her. Thus it makes sense to call them hoes. Think about it...Reds are as thick as the olives and often have hair as smooth as the Orange and Browns. Bi*ches call you hoes because of your ability to adapt...we may see you with a nice italian man, hood nigga from Newark or a spanish exchange student named filipe.

You, my friend, based on your passibility (you're like the bud light of bi*ches) are classified as an international hoe! "This is why women call you slut bag slores...It is not because you are the prime actresses in urban strip clubs and rap videos...Keep doing those as I truly respect the performing arts. LOL.

Black:

No one really thinks about black women as hoes...oh wait, yes they do! Pepperican chicks hate you because although they get prego at 14 and have 3 kids, its usually by the same dude. They're loyal. Yall? Ehhhhh...not so much. Now, Now....don't dish it out if you can't take it. Other hoes call you hoes because you are notorious for having more than 2 baby daddies before you find that one whitewashed carlton banks sucker willing to raise someone elses kids.

This, my friends, is why they call you a hoe. It's not because you're out there banging out while your boyfriend is in jail...Keep doing that, because lord knows what he's doing in jail. LMAO!!!!

Be aware of these ill feelings that women harbour towards each other and learn to play off of them and you too can be sliding down the technicoloredpunanni rainbow into a pot of warm, flesh colored gold. LOL.

Asian girls grow up getting blisters on their hands from hours of violin and piano practice; these small calluses are unsightly, and must be polished off their porcelain geisha skin by a few frictionful handies after band practice.

To get back at the domineering parents who inflicted said instrumental punishment upon them, Asian girls seek out the biggest, whitest (or sometimes blackest) cock they can wrap their delicate hands on, and show it off as a trophy to their flabbergasted parents, who really wanted to have a son anyway.

Obviously, these far-out Far East sluts need to work their way through the dating pool, testing its swimmers for Marco Polo Syndrome, AKA "Yellow Fever", and along they way they get filled up with more white stuff than an industrial-sized bottle of correction fluid.

Just be careful: these Hello Kitty-sporting mooncake-munching hobags may be adept at squeezing rice balls, so don't let them go at your junk without supervision."