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hummeth hits brocklee

Police Investigating Methamphetamine-Laced Hummus

BROCKLEE—Last week’s hospitalizations were just the latest casualties in a sordid drug drama playing out on the streets of Brocklee. Drug use and trafficking is nothing new, but hospitals have seen a significant increase in ER visits related to the use of “Hummeth,” or hummus laced with methamphetamine.

Captain Delmont

“It’s your classic ‘party drug’ situation,” explains Captain Jack Delmont of the Brocklee Police Department. “You go to a party, someone puts out some pita chips and veggies and a bowl of Hummeth. Next thing you know, you’ve been going for 10, 12, 14 hours… In addition to the whole human tragedy element—you know, giving unsuspecting kids their first taste of a highly addictive, highly illegal drug—it results in a lot of ‘disturbing the quiet’ violations.”

Delmont notes that Brocklee PD has seen a substantial increase in the number of citations given for “disturbing the quiet enjoyment of the home” (i.e. violations of noise ordinance).

The question that nobody can seem to answer: where does the meth come from in the first place?

“Despite our concerted efforts to locate the source of the methamphetamine being used in these ‘hummeth’ incidents, we have not, as of yet, been able to do so,” said Police Chief Max Jacobs in Wednesday’s press conference. “It does not appear to be coming through the usual channels. We have reached out to the Drug Enforcement Administration and hope to work out an agreement to share resources and intelligence on this matter.”

All of the cases seen so far involve Hummeth in a group setting, such as a party, luau, or socialist book club. Police have followed up with all attendees. In every case so far, attendees can’t—or won’t—say where the Hummeth came from.

“Everybody assumes someone else brought it,” says Captain Delmont. “And everyone who tries it seems to love it. There are never any leftovers.”

Authorities have yet to recover any Hummeth, making laboratory analysis impossible. In many cases, examining the chemical composition of methamphetamine-containing substances can give clues as to how—and possibly where—it was manufactured.

From victims’ accounts, the Hummeth always seemed homemade, and was never served in a store-bought container. Some have said they were told it was made from Brocklee-grown garbanzo beans, a popular crop for local Biointensive Microfarmers.

Although all cases so far involved hummus, authorities advise caution in all shared-food settings.

“There’s no reason to assume they’ll stick to hummus,” Delmont says. “Whoever is doing this could start lacing spinach-artichoke dip with meth. That stuff is addictive all on its own! If they slip meth into that…God help us all.”

Delmont speculates that hummus was chosen because it lent itself well to a clever streetname (i.e. “Hummeth”), adding that his money was on “salsamphetamine” as the next meth-laced party drug.