Ok well i'm going to try this. I dont know if i can but i'll just try and write everything that seems right that pops into my head. This is a great thread and i've looked in here a few times but not been able to post so here goes....

Dear inner child.

I thought for a minute of what to say to you but questions just filled my head like, who are you? What happened? How are you feeling? I want to be able to feel you but all i seem to get is stress warnings. Sometimes it feels like your in so much pain your trying to break free, escape me but then other times its like i can feel you curled up, hugging yourself, getting as small as possible with no strength to fight the pain that seems to be attacking you. Im sorry, i didnt mean for this to happen, i didnt mean to let you go. I lost you. I wish i could find you again, i wish we could have fun and act childlike despite my age, i wish we could be care-free and be as one again. I know i always seem to go against you but i cant tell what you want me to do so i just listen to my head. I just want to feel again, i want you to feel again. I've mentioned pain but there is also numbness. Sometimes i feel so numb its like your dead. Please dont die, i need you. Right now it feels like your crying as you can already hear what im writing. I know i sound mad but i know your still in there, i just cant find you. These feelings i get prove you are the only person/thing that hasnt been able to escape me. Please dont hide. Im hurting too i want to help. Im sorry for the past and i know you are too but being seperate cant help. I know you blame me for the way i am and i understand why. I know you want to punish me but please dont, i cant take any more. Im sorry i wouldnt listen to you when you kept telling me it happened, my abuse wasnt a dream i just couldnt trust you, i couldnt trust myself. Please let me in.

Lots of love please take care x

Ok well this is what i "sense" my inner child is saying back.

Dear Daydreamer. (sorry dont feel like putting my real name tonight)

Daydreamer im panicking. Im sorry my feelings are so real they effect you too. Im sorry for hating and wanting to punish you i just cant help it. Im angry. I try to blame everyone else - i really do but you get yourself into such stupid situations. You get too close to people trying to get help you chase them away and we both hurt more. Im safe hiding. I cant move from where i am. It times i want to...but for now i just want to be small and try to sleep...atleast it isnt reality then. Im glad you know now that the abuse was real. Yes it hurts to know he did it but you drove yourself insane questioning yourself...and me...all i could do was watch on as you ripping youself apart hunting for the truth. I wish i could show you all you need to remember but its too painful, i dont want to go back there again. Yet now i question you. After all we have been through, after finding a way to ask him if he did it you wonder if you should forgive him? No! I dont want you to forgive it hurts! It feels wrong! I dont like to hate but it puts me in so much pain when you think like that. I want the pain to go away. Do you think it ever will? I cant remember i time we were truely happy. You've never been happy with what you get....you always wanted more. You have made us do such terrible things that i dont even want to say any more. I know you just want to be loved but not everyone can love you and if we carry on like this love will never exist. I know i drive everyone away but im scared, i panic, i begin to feel more uncomfortable and ashamed. Im sorry. Why have you heard of some good times, yet cant remember? Why do we dwell on the bad? I want it to go away, why wont it leave me? I dont want to escape you but your hurting me, destroying me. Remember the time you started shouting at everyone for rolling grandad up in a carpet? No thats just what people have said...what the photos show. We used to adore him...always stay with him when we could so what happened? Why cant you be like that now? He hasnt hurt us, i hope he never does. What about christmas times? When you were younger they had so much fun, excitement in them, where has that gone? Nothing seems fun or exciting any more. I know im holding onto the past but it just wont go...im scared of letting you let go...you did it before and it didnt help it just drove you mad with questions and doubt i dont want to face that again. I guess we "belong" in the family we got. The family with alcaholics, crazy violent people, perverts ect...but i dont want to...cant we escape that? Your parents are trying, thats why we dont see them any more...well eccept one. I know our parents are good people deep down and i know i can hate them at times which makes us feel guilty but no one is perfect and sometimes they hurt me too with out realising how much. I brouse easily - you know that. Pain hurts more for me than it should i guess we usually call it "weakness". I dont know what to do. Im trapped and im sorry for everything.

take care, Love from your inner child x

Ok well thats all i could seem to work out really (i sound crazy). I think this has helped a bit which is good. This was a gret idea. Sorry for stealing you letter idea dawn but i thought it was really clever and ideal. Dawn i think you and your inner child should be happy and i think my inner child agrees too! You are a wonderful person who i hope finds happiness and finds her inner child which hopefully one day will come out of hiding.

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Guest Dawn

Guest Dawn

I am glad writing a letter like that helped you a little. I too felt crazy writing a letter back to myself from my inner child, but i think it helps us to connect on a different level.

it sounds like you and your inner child do want to get to know one another it will just take time ~ i guess that's similar to me and my inner child too... it almost seems ironic and mad to be wanting to get to know something that you can't visually see, but i believe their is a lot of value in inner child work, particularily when the inner child is hurting and wants to be heard.

I really like coming back to this thread and seeing what people have to say to their inner child and in some cases to see what the inner child wants to say back.

right now me and my inner child are having a stubborn time with neither of us really acknowledging the other.... but hopefully that will pass.

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Guest Dawn

Guest Dawn

Hope nobody minds me coming back here again to post to my inner child, but it seems a good way for me to relate to her right now.

Dear inner child.

How are you feeling today?, i actually think that i can feel how your feeling, maybe that means that i am learning to listen to you.

Today i had a lovely cuddle with Emily, and whilst with her it reminded me of how small, vulnerable and innocent i once once, and it made me think about how you might be feeling.

Being with Emily made me realise that we all need cuddles when were tired, sad, poorly, lonely or simply just having an 'off' day. I also now realise that i haven't been giving you that time, the time that you need to feel comforted or to just simply 'be', instead i pushed you away or even worse tried to make you come to me, i now realise you will do it in your own time ~forgive me for being pushy and bossy, forgive me for neglecting you.

Whilst with Emily today i allowed myself to really think about you. I enjoyed the cuddle with Emily, and whilst i was outwardly cuddiling Emily, inwardly i was cuddiling you.... and in me i felt a contented feeling, was that you? ~ was it you telling me that it was okay to cuddle and okay to feel? I wander

Take care Inner child, and remember i do care.

Love always

Dawn

I really can't think what my inner child would have to say to that post, but something in me tells me she is feeling okay right now

Dawn

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i'm gonna try and write this, not a letter to my inner child, but trying tp give her a place to say what she's feeling right now. please bear with me, i've never even attempted anything like this before and i would appreciate some feedback.

hi

i don't think i like this very much. this talking thing. i feel like a bad bad girl and i feel sick and yucky. my mummy hurt us. she hurt us bad and it was my fault because mummies dont hurt good girls i dont think. i dont think mummies hurt girls who do what they are told. i dont like 'teazle' because she lets men do the things and then she let mummy do them things. ive been tryin to clean and clean and clean but it just dont get all the dirt off. she left lots of dirt on me and i dont think 'teazle' sees that dirt or cares.

i wanna curl and hide. curl in a dark place and hide away good. hide where no one can find us and it dont hurt no more. i like dark places because people cant find me in dark places. i suck my thumb when i am sad but 'teazle' dont let us suck our thumb. shes ashamed of us. she dont want there to be someone like me cos that means she cant be strong i dont think. i dont like being something that makes her sad but i dont like that she never lets me talk inside.

she pretends to be strong but i know its not true. im not strong. im hurting inside and she never listens to me she just pretends and pretends and pretends.

i dont like 'teazle'. shes big and grown up and shes suposed to fix all everything and she dont. she dont stop people hurting us and she dont do anything. i just want someone to love me and i keep looking for someone to love me and make me feel nice like a mummy. i think i want a nice mummy but i dont think she does and i dont like her for it. i think shes selfish and stupid and i dont like her. i dont like how she ignores me and how she pretends everythings ok and how she lets people hurt her and how she does silly things like drinking yucky stuff and making herself bleed. i dont think i like her and all the things she does makes me scared and i get scared when there is men in the room but she doesnt care. she says mean things to them and i just want her to be nice to them because if she is nice to them maybe they wouldnt hurt.

i want our daddy back because he was nice but i want my nice mummy as well. 'teazle' dont want anything i dont think. i wanna play but she doesnt. she gets all embarrassed and i think she is ashamed of me and of all the things i want to do. its all scary. everything in this world is all scary. there are people all everywhere that are scary. i dont like people. i dont like people. i want to run and hide and never come out again and hide in the dark.

i dont like 'teazle' and i get scared. i get so scared. i get so scared. i dont like being scared.

i dont liek it when mummy hurts us and the men hurts us but i like it when mummy isnt hurting. sometimes she buys things and sometimes she cooks things but then she goes and drinks and she is all nasty again. and she says things i dont like and they hurt.

i get sad and i get scared. i get so scared. i want someone to love me and make that im not scared any more and i am lonely. im so lonely. its all lonely and we dont have any friends and i dont like people. people are scary. all people are scary.

i want it stop hurting and i want to be loved and help. i want to be held like nice mummies do. are there nice people anywhere? i dont think there are. all people shouldnt be trusted. my mummy hurt me and shes hurt me so bad and it hurts. hurts and is scary and is lonely.

hurts. scary. lonely. and i want to curl up and hide and be in the dark and no one see me. but i want to be loved. i want to stop being scared. i dont like being scared. i dont like being lonely but its safe in the dark. i want to suck my thumb. i want someone to hold me. i want someone to love me but no one loves us.

the world is a scary place and i hate 'teazle'. i hate her for ignoring me and i hate her for pretending to be strong when i am breaking inside and she doesnt care. and i hate her for being a bad girl and making mummy hurt us. its not fair. when mummy hurt her she hurt me as well. i dont like me for being a bad girl either because i try to be a good girl but i dont do a good girl so get shouted at.

mummies are supposed to be nice. my mummy isnt. i want a nice mummy."

wow. i dont know how to process this. i...............i don't think i can deal with everything that this.....child.......has said. can anyone else help with this? help do what i can't and speak to her? because i can't. i can't let those feelings in right now. i just can't.

teazle

Edited October 26, 2005 by teazle

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Guest Dawn

Guest Dawn

I have read your letter from your inner child, and have some feedback on it, right now im about to head out the door for a job interview... but i will reply properly to your post later on ~ just wanted to reply now so you know it has been read...

Take care sweetie

Dawn

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Guest Dawn

Guest Dawn

When i read your letter from your inner child it really made me feel so many emotions, maybe emotions that had been building up in me for a long long time. I want to write to your inner child (i hope that is okay with you) please ignore spelling and grammer (not my strong points)

Dear Teazles inner child,

What a powerful and emotion filled piece of writting you have just written. I wish that i could reach right in and hug you and comfort you, because you deserve to be hugged, loved and comforted.

You are not a bad bad girl, and neither is Teazle. Your mummy did hurt you, but that doesn't make you bad at all, it makes your mummy bad... and i think that your mummy needs some help to deal with all that badness that is inside of her.

You say that you don't like teazle, but that's a little harsh for she does not let those bad things happen to you because she is nasty or anthing else, you see Teazle has no choice in this. Those men are stronger than Teazle, far stronger. Teazle's mummy is naughty and she uses her position as mother to overpower you and teazle.

It is fine to want to curl up and hide, ask my inner child ~ she did it for so long, but the thing is sometimes when you curl up and hide you can get forgotton about, or get a little lost and that can make for a lonely place to be.

I imagine its hard to reach out when the world seems so scary and all you want to do is be comforted, but that comfort doesn't seem to be there, i imagine taht's hurtful and scary. But maybe you and Teazle can work together to comfort one another. You say that Teazle doesn't like you sucking your thumb because she is ashamed of us, maybe im wrong her , but maybe she sn't ashmaed of you, but moreso of the act of 'sucking the thumb' ~ for in our "social world" its not always seen as appropriate for grown ups to suck there thumb ~ perosonally i think that's stupid and if sucking a thumb provides comfort then great, so if it makes you feel comforted suck your thumb, there is nothing wrong in that.

Having an inner child does not mean that we are not strong, Teazle is very strong, and she is strong enough to be aware that she has an inner child that should be listened to.

You said that Teazle doesn't listen to you, I think maybe Teazle is a little scared of what she might hear or feel if she listens to you. I know that when my inner child and I began to get to know each other it was scary to listen to her, because she had secrets and memories that i didn't want to hear.. she also reminded me of how life should have been. So i don't think Teazle is being nasty or deliberatly not listening to you i just think she finds it a little hard,a nd that's okay... but maybe you need to be gentle on Teazle, and Teazle to be gentle on you as well because your both special, and your both hurting right now, and more importantly you both care about one another but your just finding it hard to reach each other.

Just because Teazle is big and grown up does not mean that she is supossed to fix everything, sometimes life is hard and sometimes things seem irrepairable. You seem angry at Teazle, but i think that the anger you feel and direct at Teazle is directed in the 'wrong' place, maybe it is her mummy your angry at, maybe it is the men that hurt you and teazle your angry at... but soemtimes when we are angry we direct it at the 'wrong' people, usually the people we hold dear and care very much for... I am not sure why we do that at all but anger is a very powerful emotion that can overwhelm us and at times can be very self destructive.

you say you want teazle to play, but she doesn't and you think she gets all embaressed, im not sure how teazle feels about this, but soemtimes its hard for us to 'play' sometimes we have forgotten how to play and how to be happy, and that's when we need our inner child to show us the way, to show us how to play and how to feel again ~ couold you maybe one day show Teazle the way?

I understand that your lonely and i understand that it is scary, but not all people are bad and not all people are scary, some people do care really they do. I care, and i know lots of people here do, and deep down Teazle care's too.

Sometimes Teazle may pretend to be strong, as you say, because that is the only way to be at times, sometimes that is the only way that we can funtion in society. Now that doesn't mean that we don't care because we do, but sometimes its easier to hide behind the 'i am strong' mask, rather than show the 'i am hurting' side to ourselves.

Mummies are supopsed to be nice, your right, but your mummy isn't and that's really sad but it is not Teazles's fault, not at all.

Please don't hate Teazle for she is doing her best in a time when things are very very hard for her. I would imagine she feels sad enough without having to think that her inner child hates here.

I know that inner children can get cross and that is fine, ask mine she is often cross at me, but she doesn't hate me any more, sure sometimes she is angry at me for the way i do things, but sometimes she has to acept that we (the adults) have to do what we think is best to deal with any given situation.... but deep down we are always thinking of our inner children.

i hope that one day you and Teazle can live together in perfect harmony, but until then give her a chance....

I think that you are a lovely inner child, your very honest and that is good, as it will help you through, your are also brave too, very strong qualities to have... ~ you and my inner child owuld be friends.... so if you find that some days Teazle can't play with you, close your eyes look deep and you will see my inner child ready and waiting to play, cuddle, cry, laugh or just cause mischief with you.

Take care Teazle's inner child.

Dawn x

Teazle,

not sure if any of it makes sense at all, but it came to me as i typed, thinking of you

Take care

Dawn

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Wow, Teazle, your letter made me cry. It was so honest, and true. I was shaking, almost, because it is so close to how I feel right now, or more to the point how Little Bee feels, but I've never allowed her to say it. Thank you.

wow. i dont know how to process this. i...............i don't think i can deal with everything that this.....child.......has said. can anyone else help with this? help do what i can't and speak to her? because i can't. i can't let those feelings in right now. i just can't.

I think, only you can truly reply to this. But you don't have to do it until you are ready. You could tell her that you have heard her though. Or, you could just say to her exactly what you said to us, above. Ultimately, and I know this sounds so so hard, the only person your inner child really wants to hear from is you.

You will get there. Goodness, we all will. After today's therapy session I feel a million miles away myself.

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Phew, well I came here today because I need to write to Little Bee. To try and be honest. I feel that even more strongly after reading Teazle's amazing letter...

This is going to be so hard, because it isn't nice.

Dear Little Bee,

I don't know how to write this letter today because I am scared of hurting you. But I am also angry. And maybe I'm not even writing to you, maybe I'm writing to myself, this big grown up who is so crap she can never keep hold of you. And even just writing that I feel sick because it sounds so like mother, doesn't it? The way she would try and manipulate us by belittling herself.

WHERE ARE YOU? Why do you keep running away? You know Hilary is safe, and she is trying so hard to reach you. To reach us. Why do you feel so f*cking scared and sick whenever she says nice things? Why do you want to get up and scream? Why do you want to wreck this perfect veneer I've spent years building up? I can't be a mess. I can't. I don't know how to do it. And yet I'm going to have to, sometime, if I let you out.

Oh god. Now that's done it. I do this to you all the time don't I? I'm not better than mother. I get you to come out of hiding and then I shout at you.

Hilary really wants to talk to you. And I want you to talk to Hilary too. But I'm also worried because I'm the grown up that I have my own agendas for wanting you to talk to Hilary. I'm worried that the only reason I want you to talk to Hilary is because it will make ME feel good. Do I even care about you? Really? Have I ever truthfully felt that closeness?

I want to though.

God, but it's so FRUSTRATING. I think I get close to you, but then it's like a hall of f*cking mirrors and you're gone again, and all I see is myself, this stupid adult staring back at me. And you're off laughing somewhere.

I think you hate me as much as I hate you, sometimes.

I just don't understand. I don't understand how this f*cking place works. I don't understand the language, I don't even know how to f*cking speak. And I feel so bloody cold. It's cold without you.

But why would you want to come anywhere near me? I didn't protect you. I've called you pathetic and stupid and embarrassing and I've shouted at you and told you to shut up. And I'm not your mother, am I? I will never be good enough.

I'm sorry. I wish I knew what to say. And I hate that. I work with words. So why can't I find the right ones to reach you? Hilary is so good with words. She makes you feel something, I know. But she can't do this, even though I know you want her to. You don't want me, but I have to do it. But I don't know how to. I don't know and right now I just feel so much despair. How can I find you when I don't even know you?

Please help me.

Ruth

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Guest Dawn

Guest Dawn

I don't think Little bee will mind you being angry, for we all get angry sometimes....

Im not sure i have any advice ruthie (i wish i did) but sometimes the whole inner child work seems so hard, and can be damm frustrating, and that's why it is okay to get angry and cross at little bee (or indeed just situations).... be gentle on yourself and of course little bee,... thinking of you.

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I've just come back to this thread, and as I started reading the replies, Madonna's Promise To Try flipped onto my iPod. I rarely listen to Madonna and am really not a fan, but sitting as I was, reading this thread I just burst into tears.

Some of the lyrics don't quite work, but most of them are so appropriate for this thread. So I thought I'd post them.

Promise To Try

Little girl don't you forget her face

Laughing away your tears

When she was the one who felt all the pain

Little girl never forget her eyes

Keep them alive inside

I promise to try -- it's not the same

Keep your head held high -- ride like the wind

Never look behind, life isn't fair

That's what you said, so I try not to care

Little girl don't run away so fast

I think you forgot to kiss -- kiss her goodbye

Will she see me cry when I stumble and fall

Does she hear my voice in the night when I call

Wipe away all your tears, it's gonna be all right

I fought to be so strong, I guess you knew

I was afraid you'd go away, too

Little girl you've got to forget the past

And learn to forgive me

I promise to try -- but it feels like a lie

Don't let memory play games with your mind

She's a faded smile frozen in time

I'm still hanging on -- but I'm doing it wrong

Can't kiss her goodbye -- but I promise to try

Ruthie

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I have found this thread very hard to deal with. Haven't read any of the posts fully just bits of them. My T has asked a couple of times if I would like to do inner child work and the answer is 'no' I worked with special needs children who were in the same age bracket I was when I was abused. I have a beautiful daughter and a handsome son and I believe I understand children well. But anything to do with my own childhood is something I do not want to think about. If I were to write anything it would not be very pleasent. But something that does really effect me are childrens books (I am in the process of getting a couple of mine pulished). As a child my only escape was in a book and i still love reading childrens books now. I thought I would copy out one of my favorite childrens books for all those inner children who have been contributing to this thread. It is about a mothers love for her child and some may find this upsetting in that if you did not have that love from your mother then it might bring up some feelings for you. If certainly did for me. (Actually not even sure if it ok to do this because of copyright etc so if you have to delete it thats fine)

i guess that girl was who i call "little mel" yes. i do silence her all the time, and she's beginning to assert herself despite me. she gets frustrated, like you see above, when i don't let her "speek" i let her play, we colour and read stories. i think she's about 8. she wasn't a part of me affected by CSA, but she lets me heal that wounded child. she is so intelligent, she lets me know things that i wouldn't know in adulthood, because kids have way s of telling us things that aren't like adults ways. For instance she looks at every flower she sees and says "pwetty" even if it's non descript or just ordinary.

i love you little mel. i am going to take better care of you.

mel

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i'm very sad today. today is a yucky day. 'teazle' tried to look for me but i hided cos i knew why she was looking for me. she was looking cos she felt like she had to, and she wanted to feel better cos i'm sad and that makes her feel sad as well.

i dont want her to look for me cos she feels she has to though. i want her to look for me cos she wants to comfort me and make it all better but she dont. she just thinks about her self. stupid selfish teazle.

i want her to see how much i am hurting but she dont. she dont listen at all. she comes looking for me but i think its just to make me be quiet. i wanna be quiet sometimes but i dont wanna be quiet when shes trying to make me. thats not fair. i want her to write me a letter but she dont. she come here and she ashamed about what i wrote and thats not fair either. i dont think im allowed to talk here cos she ashamed of me. she gets all embarrassed.

like when i suck my thumb she dont like that but i like sucking my thumb. it makes me feel safe but she dont understand that, she just dont understand and she dont listen neither. i just wanna her to listen. just a little bit listen.

our mummy came back today and i scared of mummy so i went and hid. teazle tried to hide as well, she no speak to mummy but mummy drunk anyway.

i want a mummy. a nice one. thats why sometimes i feel like sending emails and messages to people cos i am feeling lonely and that makes teazle feel lonely so she sends them.

i dont like making teazle feel sad and i dont mean to but when im sad and if im not hiding good enough then she feels it as well. im sad today and thats making her sad. shes all tired and im all tired and i wanna curl up and cry but she never lets cry

i hate her for never letting cry. she never lets me cry and she never cries. she never ever does it. i hide and cry sometimes but she gets angry and i dont like it when shes angry. i dont like it. i dont like it. i wanna her to be nice and if she not nice i wanna someone else to be nice. like dawn. she nice.

i just wanna feel better and safe. and have a nice mummy. anyone wanna be my nice mummy?

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Guest Dawn

Guest Dawn

My inner child is feeling a little like writing today, a large part of her is feeling rather confused and muddled, but i guess ill let her explain how she feels, as she knows that if she writes out how she feels i have to listen so here goes.

Dawn,

Sometimes you really confuse me, sometimes what you say is not what you think or really feel, why do you do that?, its really confusing and not much fun.

You put yourself into situations that you know you don't really like, and those are situations that daunt me and make me want to hide, cringe and curl up small... Take last night for example you were out with Julie ~ nothing unusual there i guess as you and Julie are great friends, and you do have good times with her, but you always seem to go out drinking, I really don't like it when you drink as much as you drank last night. You become more confident, but its a false confidence, and when your drinking you have very little regard for me or for my feelings, or even for your own feelings. Last night you weren't that drunk, you have been more drunk... but do you remember that guy talking to you?, he was complementing your top, looks etc... and you smiled politely and said "Thanks", whats that all about?, do you not know that all men have a hidden agenda, do you not remember that the last time we were hurt you had been out drinking and dancing with men... have you not learnt that you maybe shouldn't do it anymore.

You seem to enjoy yourself when your out, but you forget about me... last night i was scared of that guy, i found him creepy but you still danced with him, you didn't listen to me... well maybe now you will remember that i am still a little scared of strange people.

today i have been thinking lots and i am feeling really sad right now, not just because of last night, just lots of things together i guess are bothering me... so for now Dawn i need you to be here for me because i am feeling really emotionally wobbily.

Reading that makes me wanna reach inside and hug and hold her, of course i can't really do that but i need to give her some me time, and maybe realsie that she is right.

I always push myself out of my realms of comfort, in terms of going out and drinking, i am not sure why i do that other than to maybe being sociable and maybe trying to live a normal life.

I had realised that my inner child wasn't feeling great today, i have had a real unsettled feeling in me and maybe now i have found the cause of that.

Thanks for letting me share

Dawn

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Guest -Jennifer-

Guest -Jennifer-

For a long time I heard so much about the "inner child" and I never knew what to think. I ignored so much of her. It wasn't until I read, What About Me? by Grant Cameron that a lightbulb went off inside of my head. (In fact it went off inside Scott's as well, I think it even scared him a little.) I found that my inner child ruled my life....down to throwing temper tantrums.

I was so overwhelmed by this, but since I've felt keenly aware of her, and she's even connected intimately with the inner child in others. I do care about her and I understand her significance in my life...I hope one day she doesn't hurt so much and can know that I am strong enough to keep her safe, and that she can move on.

I haven't really written a letter. She comes and goes with stress. Its so strange b/c sometimes when I am having for example, Social anxiety, I can hear myself inside my head in a mother way, "Now Jennifer Lynn you are going to school, work, grocery store, etc." and sometimes I can just hear her say, "I don't want to!!!!"

I don't talk much about her b/c I feel pretty alone in this....although I know that isn't the case....Its just a very vulnerable/sensitive topic!

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It's raining today, and it's been a hard day so far, hasn't it? The bus broke down and made us late to see Hilary and you feel very sad I know.

I just wanted to tell you about something. When we were on our way home, I saw you...

Do you remember all those years ago, dancing among the fountains in that funny little square? Do you remember Rachel was there and we danced together, and apart, through the fountains and round the little paths. It was raining then too, but we didn't care, we danced all the same. We had sticks and we danced with the sticks and we danced with each other and we danced on our own. And there were lots of lovely old ladies sitting in the shelter of the veranda around the square, and they watched us dance and they smiled. And when they smiled we smiled, because we were happy and we were dancing.

Well little one, I saw you there today. I saw you among the fountains. But you were on your own. Rachel wasn't there, and there were no old ladies either. And you weren't dancing. You looked very sad. You were just standing in the fountains with the rain coming down all over you.

And do you know what happened? I started to cry, on the bus, in front of everyone. I was crying for you, because you are so hurt and lost and lonely and sad, but you were once so beautiful and innocent and full of wonder. And as I cried I thought of lots of things. I thought of you playing your first cello, and how it was too big for you, but you would play it nonetheless because that is the person you are. And I thought of your smile, your beautiful smile and your barley hair.

And then something else happened. I felt warm. I felt the Goddess in me wrap her arms around me and that made me want to cry even more because I don't think you know what that feels like.

So I wanted to tell you, that I'm watching you in the fountains, just like the old ladies did. And if you look up at the veranda you will see me.

Love,

Ruth

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The thing I remember most of all from my childhood is hiding. I had 7 really good hiding places in the street where I lived. All of them very hard to get into and out of but all of them withing hearing distance of my abuser. If he called I had to get to him by the time he counted a hundred. So as hiding places go they were pretty useless!! They didn't hide me as much as contain me until I was called.

I think as a child I was pretty stupid. The effort and pain it took to get into some of these places shows how stupid she must have been if they were of no protection.

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Guest -Jennifer-

Guest -Jennifer-

Compassion for what you have survived begins within ourselves. Not to step out of my place, but I don't take that comment as being nice to yourself.

I used to not understand the whole "inner child" idea as well...I tend to see people who do not "buy into the whole inner child thing" have yet to discover their own inner child.....

((Ruthie)) I really do think this is a great thread. ((hugs))

Today the little one inside of me got to play with Zak (nephew). While I felt exhausted from managing a 6 month old, and two dogs, I would suddenly burst out in song and dance in front of Zak to make him laugh. I sat and shrieked and giggled right along with him.

There is a deep fear inside of me that I believe is stemming from my little one. I think it has to do with a past of instability, constantly being uprooted and moved about, and dealing with conflict with loved ones/family. I'm here visiting with my family, and I absolutely do not under any circumstance want to go back to South Florida. I don't want to go back and sit alone in the dark, go to work all day and bust my butt, shove school under the table once again (b/c work doesn't think I should be up here trying to get school in order), I just want to stay here! I can see her inside of me, crossing my little arms across my chest, stamping my foot, puckering and shouting "NO I DON"T WANT TO!"....I can even tell you that my hair is stringing and deshevled from running around in the crisp morning air.

I know if I tell Scott I do not want to go back down there that will cause conflict between him and I. Its not that I don't want to be with him, I do, I just don't want to go back down there! I want to stay here with my family. I don't want to go to work at the bookstore, I'd rather continue with my own business, and make my own schedule, work from home....Both of us just feel exhausted (me and lil one)....and frustrated b/c I am not at a point where I can provide for myself (without a second income) and that makes lil one insecure....a problem that my parents had when I was younger......

I think she fears having to relive what happened then to what direction in life I am taking....Well I am rambling now and the trick or treaters are coming by so I gotta scoot on outta here.