Monday, 6 October 2014

Kindness in change

I did learn something....kindness in change.

Kindness in Change. That's my new buzz phrase. Not because it's some sort of mantra I need to share with the world, but because it's something I desperately need to show myself. The last 5 years of my life have been nothing short of "change riddled", I moved 3 times, had a marriage end and another one begin, been a mother to 4 (now 5), experienced career highs and new lows, almost lost my shirt financially...the list of stressors just keep rolling.

And I kept rolling.
Stress at home? No problem.
No money? I can be creative. Pasta is our friend.
Need someone to move a piano? Well, that one was plain and simple a miracle every time. I don't EVER want to have to ask people for that again.
Introduce someone new into my kids' lives? Just keep breathing....it'll be ok....

Was I kind to myself in those times? I don't really think I had that option. I suppose I did, in that I beelined it to my Doctor pretty quick and he ever so wisely gave me that prescription for my 1/2 dose of Effexor. I think I could have managed my way through without it, but I would have cried a lot more and slept a lot less. It was more about survival.

Now that I'm in between jobs I feel a real pull to find something that will be a quick fix. Something that will give me security and peace of mind NOW. And I could. But I'm not sure that's showing myself any real kindness (or any life) in the long haul.

Just the other day I was doing something that was making me money and I was not loving it. It was actually a profound moment for me. I was doing it. I could easily do this thing for the rest of my life. And there was NO JOY. It was rote, it was automatic, but there was no life there.

Yesterday I got to play piano for an event. I used to play piano for everything. And then I was in a position for many years when I couldn't play, time just didn't allow for it. Yesterday it was back. The joy, the life. The keys were in my hands.

About 12 years ago I was playing for an Easter service. I can't remember what song I was playing but I felt sense a strong sense of God's presence. Then I heard these words (if you ask me if I've ever heard God speak audibly, this would be the one time), "Beckie, when you play and your heart is right, it is not you that's playing, it's me. I have simply chosen your fingers to play through."

In that, there is joy, there is life.
There is kindness to myself and others.

I know I can't pay the bills going around playing the piano all the time. But I can show kindness to myself by doing that which gives me life. Doing what I was made to do. And as I look for that which WILL pay the bills, I can play again....and experience kindness in the middle of my change.