Virgo, I am the same as you, I prefer to date one person and get to know them. I am going to say something different in your situation. I think you should date both for a little bit. You will know pretty quickly which direction is best for you. One, the other or maybe neither of them.......

Agreed with other comments here, Virgo, even though I couldn't bring myself to do it lol. I have mentioned that I do a lot of reading about relationship stuff and one thing that keeps coming up is that 'it is not official until it is', meaning unless you and the other person have explicitly stated you are boyfriend and girlfriend, you aren't. As trying2 said though, it's not about keeping secret that you are seeing other people. Honesty is best -- saying that I am going places like movies and dinner with other people because we aren't exclusive is as honest as it gets and isn't wrong.

My NG came over today and helped me with my dryer since my friend kept cancelling on me. He was so sweet about it last night. He said, "it sounds like it's making you anxious. Let me help you with that." Even the mundane task of cleaning out my dryer venting was fun with him. We went to the store for a vent cleaning kit too. We're always laughing, joking, very playful. The other guy knew about my dryer and basically said, "good luck with that. Hopefully it doesn't start on fire." Well...thanks.

Agreed with other comments here, Virgo, even though I couldn't bring myself to do it lol. I have mentioned that I do a lot of reading about relationship stuff and one thing that keeps coming up is that 'it is not official until it is', meaning unless you and the other person have explicitly stated you are boyfriend and girlfriend, you aren't. As trying2 said though, it's not about keeping secret that you are seeing other people. Honesty is best -- saying that I am going places like movies and dinner with other people because we aren't exclusive is as honest as it gets and isn't wrong.

We haven't really labeled our relationship, but we discussed dating exclusively before he shutdown those two weeks. I think we should have that conversation again soon.

I appreciate your comments and sharing. I am just so messy with this relationship. It is going on 2 years. So, still budding? But we lived 1 1/2 hrs. apart until Aug. 2017.

We spent so much time together over the NYE weekend and week, and then NG had his kids. Nothing. He invited us to a Monster Jam thing, but my son and I are not into it and it cost a lot. So declined. He still plans things for his boys and invites us. Not so much of let's talk about it ahead of time. I see why he did this, as they love it. I took my son to rock climb with his new friend here. And a family from our previous town came for a swim meet, and we had a late lunch together, so it was a good weekend for us.

We joined a health club together, so work outs planned, 3 times a week, but I know he won't make it. He is now in custody battle mode. Reviewing his notes, hiring a private investigator to watch her schedule as she works a lot now due to a promotion, and he wants to know how much time she leaves the kids with her parents or others, versus letting him have them, which he could. 2 months of this.

I am dealing with my new job. Exciting and scary. I am dealing with my mother's estate. And her and my taxes are now up and coming. And I rented my house this weekend after it hasn't sold. So much, too.

Gosh, what to do about NG and me? WAit it out? Take what time I can get? Let him go to be with his boys and pursue what he believes is the best course for him and them? I never have "broken up" with anyone. I married my high school sweetheart. UGHHHH....

My kid is doing well, but 14 is a hard age. Trying to make sure he is good, too.

I read some articles on dating a divorced man with kids, some with 50% custody. All the women state the same: you are always on the back burner, kids are first, and you fit in. UNTIL the man decides he wants you incorporated. Can you wait? Some women do, some have not. My NG talks long term, but our version of long term is not the same. A couple years or a decade? Wow.......

I read some articles on dating a divorced man with kids, some with 50% custody. All the women state the same: you are always on the back burner, kids are first, and you fit in. UNTIL the man decides he wants you incorporated.

I'm not so sure the articles have covered all possibilities. Can it not be BOTH children and SO are first? It truly does not have to be either/or if both partners want it that way. And perhaps, there's the rub.

I only know what worked for me - we are all different of course with differing wants, personalities, and situations. But for my now wife and myself, we combined events just like a married family - meaning, sometimes (for example) we all went to a soccer practice, sometimes we didn't. If certain events were important to one of us, but not the other, then we jointly decided what to do. Sometimes we insisted all were present for something, sometimes not. You get the idea - it was a rolling give and take with all having input but my SO and me making the final decision. We "teamed" it early on and our kids learned that right away - and adjusted.

A slight veer from the above topic:

Here is my unvarnished take on the situation: I fear much, if not most, of NG's attention is devoted to the ex and the situation there. How could it not be? It sounds like it's a mess. I'm not sure he can give the new family (yours and his, together) the concentration it needs.

Two years seems to be a long time to me to not have hashed this out completely.

For any relationship to be fully healthy, each of you must be all in. Until that happens, it may remain a bit rocky.

tybec Agree that it's not so much a budding relationship at 2 years. It is interesting how complicated things continue to be despite having more time with somebody, I foolishly thought that time would begin to make things a bit easier in establishing a new relationship. You now know how it is with him and his kids, the struggle that he will have with the custody battle and time available for you. Are you willing to stick around through all of this? You've got a heckuva lot on your plate, to add relationship stress to it is a lot. I think of a good relationship as a soft place to land in a tough world. Is he this for you, despite the struggles?

Hey all -- not to abandon this conversation in the least, but as trying2 mentioned, some of our conversations are beyond budding. I started a new thread called 'Starting to Tread the Deeper Waters ...' to get into what it means to be working toward stronger commitments

It does hurt doesn't it Virgo where you hear these comments that NG isn't really going to help you with anything. I know we should be able to "deal" with our own stuff but it does feel good to have a partner that is willing to help you.

NG has really stepped up in many ways but of course there is always a but.... he has opened up the conversation of us living together, but he feels it isn't going to be for another 3 years. He is living with his Mother and she is widowed as well and he can't abandon her. My sons are still at home but hoping they venture out into the real world soon, and I am not sure if I want to wait 3 years and what if it is longer than 3 years? His ex is NUTS, do I want this issue in my life? All of this stuff we have discussed but right now no solution.

NG says he wants to help me out. Well, my snow blower still isn't running but it hasn't been an issue since it doesn't snow when it is -40C but I need to get it up and running. NG knows about my snowblower, but still hasn't offered to help me (he is a mechanic). Tomorrow I told my sons that NG is sleeping over (first time). Thing is I have three other guys that have offered to come and look at my snowblower and I know each of them if NG comes over at the same time they will say something to him. I know this sounds so "high school" but I welcome suggestions.

Needy Hmmm - wonder why NG isn't stepping up with the snowblower. Is he aware that there really is a problem with it? Seems like it would be a relatively easy fix for him to take care of it. I'd certainly take one of the other guys up on the offer, should they say something to NG all the better.

Ok wids, don't kill me, but in these rocky, tumultuous relationships, what's the payoff? There is always something you're getting out of it. When I was in my shit show of a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, my payoff was that if I kept hanging in there, he would finally and suddenly combust into a better person and all my patience, giving and time invested would finally pay off. And I had a lot of the same issues mentioned in these posts. When I finally realized that he was NEVER going to change and he'd ALWAYS have a reason or excuse, the healing began.