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Sunday, November 9, 2014

The Final Chapter

Take Back From a Bully.....that's what I called "Operation Truck Snatch". Astute readers will have noticed that I referred to this coup several years ago. It finally happened. I took his precious truck. I expected to feel some gloating, but I really just feel sad. Also relieved that the giant hammer is no longer hanging over my head.

Briefly, I married a narcissist. Things went downhill fast, although it took me three years to "diagnose" my Hero with NPD. By that time, I had multiple loans in my names, numerous things that I bought for "our" life together. I was completely trapped and clueless as to what to do.

I started this blog. It was intended as therapy for myself but oddly, people began to discover it and I was to discover that my situation was not unique. There were FAR too many women in the exact same boat as I (and some men--there ARE female Ns, just not as many, or fewer men who are willing to admit they married a monster).

Anyway, he was to eventually take off and along with him went all the toys we bought, mostly in my name. I had flat out bought a boat but allowed him to put the title in his name, thinking, what difference does it make, we're married?! Well, he took that too. He took it all and left me with the bills.

I will give him this--he continued to make the payments on the $50K truck. I had to do a lot of massaging, begging, cajoling, ass-kissing.....but he did it. He also made the payments on the 5th wheel trailer. These combined were over $1000/month. Had he not made them, I would have been sunk.

As it was, he allowed me to continue paying the insurance for both of them, he left $10K on one of my credit cards, he took off with the $5K boat, there was a $30K time share we bought together, with the expectation that he would pay for it, he caused an accident that cost me $5K, as I couldn't turn it into my insurance because he had no driver's license (I discovered that AFTER we bought the truck)!! I was screwed. This was a lot of money for a little seamstress and dog sitter. I don't make much money--I just work a lot.

But.....the truck was in my name. So I plotted. And waited. And prayed he wouldn't cause another accident.

It took three years but it finally was no longer upside down. Still I waited. Let's try to get a little bit of profit. My plan was to have the cops pull him over and impound the truck, since he was driving illegally--no driver's license--hello!! But, believe it or not, the cops in his state of residence said they didn't care about that. I couldn't get them to cooperate.

I was plotting how I could find a judge, enlist his help in convincing his officers to enforce the law when a better opportunity presented itself.

He started paying late. Then late again. Then really late. Messing up my credit and I was powerless to stop it. I contacted private investigators. They had an "in" with the local police and were going to convince them to come to the party, pull him over, impound the truck since he has no right to be on the road. They wanted $3K as a retainer to begin surveillance!

I was going to have to give it up. I was destroyed. All this planning, plotting, waiting.

All of a sudden I realized, NO. I'm not giving up! Whatever it costs, whatever it takes, someone has to take back from this bully! No one has ever taken back from him; he has gotten away with this bullshit his ENTIRE life, and he's now in his 50s. I swelled with power. I called the PIs and told them to go ahead, gave them my credit card information.

At the end of that day, I decided to try to enlist the help of the lien holder one last time. I had asked them before and they told me they couldn't begin repossession proceedings until he was at least 60 days past due, and he was only about 40 days.

For some reason, this time my agent said, "Let's do this." I was euphoric. It took two weeks, three agencies, countless people but they got it.

I was at my business networking meeting, on pins and needles, trying to concentrate on the meeting, because I knew the guys were out, looking for it. I got home from the meeting and the phone rang. It was Hero! I thought, oh boy, this is it. He never calls me.

He said, "They just came and repossessed my mother-fucking truck!". I said, "Oh dear, what a shame! When, where?"

The conversation progressed and went downhill from there. I shall spare you the details.

The point of this story is.....never give up. It's so easy to want to sleep, to be complacent, to let things happen. But I think it's important to stand up to these bullies. I really wish that more people would stand up. And I don't mean the poor, beaten-down wives. I mean the bosses, the co-workers, the family members, the friends of these guys who REFUSE to see this giant problem!

I begged, cried, wrote poignant letters to many of the family members of my Hero--not ONE of them responded. All I wanted was some moral support, support in standing up to him. His brother one time shouted at me, "I DON'T CARE!!!"

And almost without exception, the people who have written to me say the same thing. The families completely turn their backs on them. Deny their brother, son, friend, uncle has a problem, treat the wife like an outcast, like a bitch, like the one who created all the problems.

They ignore her when she needs help the most, when the marriage is dissolving and she is at the bottom of her self-esteem.

Unfortunately, the people reading this blog are the victims. The perps don't ever seek out information, the families of the perps don't seek out information. And the cycle repeats itself.

I was my Hero's FOURTH wife. Each of us, and his children, ran from him screaming. His marriages didn't dissolve, they exploded. Yet it was the wives. We're all crazy bitches, took all his money, stole his dreams. Are these people for real?! Four of us!! All with the same tale and they continue to deny that their son, brother, uncle has a terrible problem.

Anyway, Operation Truck Snatch was for all of you. Give yourself hope. Empower yourself. I will continue to wage the war on bullies, on these terribly disordered individuals. I will continue to spread the word. I have not given up on the book; however, I have not yet found the time to even begin. I have hundreds of pages of correspondence from women who have been there. My story is tame compared to some of the stories I have heard.

Once again, feel free to write to me directly: narcissismathome@gmail.com.

I try very hard to respond promptly. Sometimes it takes me a few days.

We have to educate people from these sick, dangerous people who care about noone but themselves. I Married a Narcissist, two days after marriage he took his maks off. I was so devastated, confussed and scared as to what did I just sign up for. Months after continuous abuse, disrespect, financial infidelity, slander, broken promises,insult, lies, involving his family in our marriage {who sides with him for their own personal gain} I asked for a divorce. I felt like I was on a reckless train and the only way to survive was I had to jump off, and I did, Still recovering but I now have back my peace, stablity that I had before I meet him. I HAD TO SAVE MYSELF!!!

I have heard from so many women who started to see the real man shortly after marrying him, sometimes even on the honeymoon. As I wrote in my blog, I got a glimpse of the hell that was to come on the very first weekend.

Like you, I was confused and thinking that I had done something wrong, especially when I saw worse and worse behavior. I thought I had stolen my prince's sun.

Well, as you found out, we did nothing wrong except to be fooled by an N. The ONLY thing we can do is get away from them. There is no fixing him, no helping him, no saving him....run for your life. As you learned, the ONLY thing you can do is save yourself.

Hello, I am in the midst of a divorce with such a man. Three wks into our marriage, the mask came off, and the abuse began. Relentless verbal, emotional , and physical abuse. Did the courts back you, or cater to him?Any advice on how you escaped safely, much less with your sanity?

I hope you get a good judge. The N can be very clever. Remember how he fooled you into thinking he was the most wonderful man on Earth? Well, he can do the same with lawyers and judges.

I was lucky--I divorced my nightmare on the sly. We did not have children, I knew there was no point fighting him in court for assets that I knew I was going to lose and probably have to pay for anyway, so I just did it.

Fighting one of these God-awful people in court I would not wish on anyone.

It may be better for you to cut your losses, give him what he wants and get away. I know that is not always possible. You might have assets at stake, children...

Thanks. We don't have children either. He has already taken control of everything else we had, though. That's what I wanted to know. If I should cut my losses or fight him. If I want something, he has damaged it or disposed of, or hidden it.It seems he can do no wrong in the courts eyes, even though he has. He just gets away with it. Mediation is this week. I will keep you posted. Thanks for the quick reply.

I would like to share with you a poem written by a woman who wrote to me. As you can see, she is only all too familiar with the beast we call "N":

My Vampire

He beckoned me for the first time as if he could sense my wounds.He wooed me from outside through doors intended to keep pain out.I let him in. The seduction was complete. His first bite came swiftly and passionately.Early days of his poison penetrated deep, drug-like, euphoric with his presence.Days wore to years and I grow weak from the constant feedings. My lifeblood ebbs away as he gloats his disdain for my weariness.I am at fault for having no more blood to give. I am dying.While I lay dying he hunts again. I am worthless, abandon, and invisible.In my last breaths, I cry, he hunts again. (LRH, 2014)

I just wanted you to know that I read your blog often, sometimes over again because it has helped me with something.. I'm young and I've just recently come out of an abusive relationship with a narcissistic guy of one and a half years. I am so glad I got out when I did, because I think I always knew deep down that I deserved to have a better life ahead of me and what he was doing was wrong, but they can be so good at manipulating you.I come to blogs like this to remind myself that I am not alone, even during this time of being completely separated from him I am going through a phase of intense anger for the injustice and some PTSD symptoms.. I remember I found this blog throughout the last few months of the relationship and it is blogs like this that WOKE me up and encouraged me to leave. I just want to say thank you for sharing so much and helping others.I have my own personal 800 word story.. Check it out if you would like. Thank you for your time.