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Parenting and Life Balance Stories from a Working Mother and Business OwnerWed, 29 Jul 2015 14:21:49 +0000en-UShourly1Tantrums: No Easier to Deal With the Second Time Aroundhttp://www.modernmami.com/parenting/tantrums-not-easy-second-child/
http://www.modernmami.com/parenting/tantrums-not-easy-second-child/#commentsWed, 13 Jun 2012 23:46:43 +0000http://www.modernmami.com/?p=5504

Tantrums. We’re so there. Oh, how I wish we could skip this stage of parenting! Can anyone make that happen?

Tantrums are nothing new to us, of course. Being that this is our second child, we know all too well what it’s like to deal with a toddler and tantrums. Even so, it’s hard to actually get through them!

When baby girl was almost 18 months old, the terrible twos hit. And they hit hard. She actually started acting up even before that, but 18 months was probably when it got really bad. Similarly, baby boy has started his tantrums before the 18-month mark. Luckily, though, they’re not as bad as his big sister’s. Let’s hope that doesn’t change.

Back when we dealt with baby girl’s toddler tantrums, most people would provide us with some form of the following advice:

Ignore it.

Let her cry.

Some kids will hit themselves.

So what if she makes herself throw up, what’s the worst that can happen?

When you’re in the moment, though, it’s very hard to ignore your child banging her head against the wall or crying so hard she vomits. Though baby boy is not doing either of those things – he really just cries and runs around in a circle for a bit – it’s still hard to ignore the crying fit.

The good thing is that we are more prepared this time around and know that if we don’t pay it much mind, he’ll calm down. We also know that he’s truly just frustrated or upset about a situation and cannot communicate that to us. Reminding ourselves of this makes it easier to distract him from the offense or help him calm down faster.

It’s still tough.

One thing we were told back when baby girl’s tantrums got to a very difficult stage, was that we should start formal time-outs. We had already been doing time-outs, but not formally. We weren’t telling her it was a time-out and we also weren’t using a specific chair. Perhaps it’s time to initiate the time-out ritual with baby boy before his tantrums worsen.

Baby girl’s tantrums did eventually get better. We stuck with time-outs and soon enough, we didn’t even need them. I just can’t remember how long it took us to get to that point. I know that baby boy’s tantrum stage will also pass just as hers did. But, I’m already ready for them to be over.

How long did the tantrum stage last for your kids?

Disclosure: This post is sponsored by Disney Baby. I’ll be joining the Disney Baby blogging team next month, and look forward to sharing these kinds of stories with you over there! Stay tuned for more details!

Did you see the news of the 6-year-old girl that was handcuffed at school and taken to a police station? Apparently, she had a real bad meltdown at school, otherwise known as an extreme temper tantrum, and the school decided to call the police. She’s in Kindergarten.

I first saw this news when a friend posted an article about it on Facebook and commented that perhaps the girl needed help because of how she behaved. In that article, the girl’s mother was cited saying that her daughter’s behavior was due to “mood swings” and wasn’t cause for police involvement.

I have a 6-year-old girl in Kindergarten. While she behaves very well and rarely has a tantrum, there have been an incident or two. In fact, some time last year she got so upset at me and herself that she did have a meltdown, full of screaming, throwing her legs, and hitting the chair she was on. I took care of this incident, provided appropriate punishment, talked with her, talked some more, reminded her of the behavior in the coming days, and overall addressed the issue. Luckily, this occurred at home, but I can easily see how this 6-year-old girl could have done something similar at school and it escalated.

I do not know the details of this situation. None of us do or will since we were not there. I don’t excuse the behavior, but really don’t believe it was handled appropriately. Calling the cops on a 6-year-old? Handcuffing her and charging her with battery? Letting her sit at the police station for an hour? My girl would have freaked.

Truth is that a few hours after my girl had her tantrum, she couldn’t tell me what she did or why. She knew what happened was bad, but she wasn’t able to recount the details of the situation.

It’s easy to quickly judge parents and their kids’ behavior, saying things like, “My kid would never!” or “I’ve got something for her mood swings.” But, the reality is that unless it’s you in the moment, you just don’t know what is happening.

Maybe this girl really did have a tantrum due to a mood swing that escalated. Maybe her behavior was extreme and over-the-top. Perhaps the girl and her parents even need help to figure out why this behavior is happening (if it wasn’t a one-time thing) and how they can fix it. But, arresting a 6-year-old for a tantrum?That is not the way.

How would you feel if your 6-year-old was handcuffed, arrested, and taken to a police station for a tantrum?

There are many forms of discipline and punishment that parents use with their children. In our house, we’ve used the time out method, the just talking method, the redirecting method, and we’ve even yelled at times out of losing our patience. Hey, it happens, right?

But, lately, we’ve come up with a new system for helping our nearly-four year old daughter behave better. Ok, “we” as in the husband came up with the idea and I take half the credit since I use the method. What’s his is mine, isn’t it?

We recently turned our guest room into a play room since we don’t often have guests. (Because she needed just one more space in the house to clutter up.) The reality is that we all wanted a family fun room and wanted her room to be more of a tranquil space for relaxation and rest. So, we now have a play room and because she helped remodel the space, she has taken full ownership of that room. It is – quite frankly – her play room.

Because of that, it has also become the one true thing that she hates to not have. Therefore, we have the following hanging up on the door to that room.

What you see is a dry-erase board with sad faces on it. Normally, there are 3 happy faces on there. It’s sort of like a behavior chart.

How it works:

If baby girl does something naughty or doesn’t listen, we give a warning. If she still doesn’t listen, she gets a sad face.

After 3 sad faces, we close the door to her playroom.

She must earn back her 3 happy faces with good behavior. We try to make the acts equal; that is, if she lost a happy face because of whining, we’re not expecting she clean up her room to earn it back. A smaller act that is comparable will do. On the other hand, if she lost a happy face because she threw a tantrum or disrespected us, then the act to earn it back must be equally as big.

Once she earns her 3 happy faces back, she gains access to the playroom again.

And the cycle continues.

Why this works:

She is seeing a visual of her mistakes as well as her achievements.

My girl needs more than just stickers as an incentive.

The playroom is a place of her own that she enjoys so it’s a true punishment for it to be taken away versus just being scolded or sitting in time out.

Of course, explanations, warnings, and the “after-talk” is all a part of this to help her understand what happened, why it happened, and how she should act next time.

We’ve really seen it work over the last few months. She even goes through periods of weeks at a time without losing a happy face.

I’m guest blogging, along with four other great ladies, at Scholastic Parent Voices for the month of May. I’ll be over there at least once a week blogging about various topics. First topic is Summer Plans in a Tough Economy.

I’ve just now gotten around to actually writing my review of the book. Better late than never I always say.

After reading my review, you can enter to win the book for yourself! I figure I might as well pass along the copy since I held onto it for so long.

Review

The book begins with an overview of various types of tantrums and meltdowns and details several scenarios. It then goes over many well-known toddlerbehaviors, with chapters on the following:

social behavior

sleep-related concerns

eating dilemmas

potty training

fighting

anger issues

manipulation

travel

health and hygiene

refusals

other stubborn and annoying behaviors

Each chapter pretty much provides different circumstances and how you can deal with them, with alternatives included. I was stuck on the potty training chapter for a bit (for obvious reasons). One of the tips given is to let your child run naked outdoors. Which makes total sense since it makes for easier cleanup, but really? What if she sits down on the grass…naked? Maybe it’s just my paranoid self, but I’m not about to have ants crawl up my daughter’s butt.

Overall the book seems like a handy resource. Especially for those just beginning to deal with some of those really frustrating situations that come with toddlers and when your kid hits the terrible twos.

Win a copy of I Brake for Meltdowns: How to Handle the Most Exasperating Behavior of Your 2- to 5-Year Old

How to enter:

Leave a comment with the chapter you think would interest you most.

For a second entry, tweet a message on twitterwith a link back to this post.
Sample text to use: Win this book from @modernmami & learn how to deal with tantrums! Enter contest at http://tinyurl.com/modernmami-book
You’ll need to leave a second comment with the link to your tweet, not your profile, so I can verify. You have to leave a separate comment so that it will count.

For a third entry, write a post and link back to this contest post on your blog. Again, be sure to leave a separate comment with your post link so that it will count.

Rules

You have until 11:59 pm EST on Saturday, May 9 to leave your comments. The winner will be posted on Monday, May 11 and will be chosen using Random.org.

Be sure to check back to see if you’ve won! Remember to include an email address so that I can contact you if you win.

We first learned about Knuffle Bunny while watching Between the Lions one day with baby girl. The story was read on the show along with the pictures from the book. And the pictures? Stunning. A mix of city photography and illustrations. You’ll have to “look inside” the book to see what I mean.

By the way, the title is pronounced Keh-nuffle; the K is NOT silent.

My favorite lines from the book are “She went boneless. She did everything she could to show how unhappy she was.” If you remember what tantrums are like (or are currently dealing with them), you’ll know exactly what those lines mean. Of course, the reason behind those lines will help you appreciate, or at the very least, understand the tantrums a little more. It gives a new perspective on things…from your kid’s point of view.

My daughter’s favorite part of the book? Pretty much all of it. She loves to look at the pictures and loves to repeat what Trixie (that’s the main character) says. She laughs at the same parts each time we read the book. In advance mind you, since she already knows what will happen next.

Apparently, there’s a sequel now to Knuffle Bunny, which I keep meaning to pick up. Looks like Trixie is now a preschoolerherself.

Alright ladies (and men), bear with me a bit here while I go into the realm of TMI.

It seems that toddlers, preschoolers – whatever the correct term is for a three year old – do in fact suffer from PMS at such an early age.

You know how if you’re around a buddy of yours long enough, you’ll eventually end up on the same cycle as her? Or how your baby will share some hormones with you when he/she is born and even after if you breastfeed?

Well, the same effect applies to three year olds. Somehow they manage to feed off your hormones and lovingly share that special time of the month with you and act all PMS-y.

You don’t know what I’m talking about? Just take my word on it, then.

I have proof.

It comes in the form of my own daughter who I love to death, but who annoys the crap out of me when she decides to PMS right along with me. As if dealing with my own moody, grumpy self wasn’t enough.

You might think that I’m overreacting and that it’s just normal toddler tantrums or whining, but I kid you not, it always flares up more when I’m there.

Just ask my husband. The poor thing has to deal with two moody, grumpy girls in his house.

He figures it’s just basic training for the teenage years.
I wonder if this is one of those moments when having a boy would be easier? They don’t PMS, do they?