Monday, February 02, 2015

For being the final Super Bowl that I "cover" here, it sure did not disappoint for drama. I would say that it was one of the best ever until you realize that the Patriots won and fuck them so whatever. There should not be any sort of asterisk attached (unless you are trolling and, in that case, asterisk your ass off). The better team might not have won but the healthiest did and that makes sense. Let's talk about the game itself.

The Wolf of Wall Street - I finally watched this movie over the weekend and while the tits and drugs and language were quite incredible and Jonah Hill's buck teeth were LOL, I couldn't help thinking that this movie was the exact same as Boiler Room only twice as long. If I'm going to watch a movie about shady stock brokers, I'm going to need Businessman Vin Diesel dammit. Good movie but should have never been nominated for an Oscar IMO.

Bob Costas - I watched some of the never-ending pregame show and the former Newsradio guest star (beat up Joe Rogan!) was whining because the Commish stood him up for an interview. He probably has a point though. Shouldn't the head of the league talk to the network broadcasting the biggest game? Fuck Goodell. Someone should have murdered him after he tried to big time my girl, Rachel Nichols, last week.

Not Dude Perfect - I had no idea who these guys were before yesterday. Are they legit? Because they are sick as all get out if that trick shot group is legit.

Tom Izzo - I watched the second half and overtime of the WE ON/WE ON State game yesterday and while laughing at regular WE ON for having three players worth a shit, I couldn't help but notice that Sparty leads the nation in really light-skinned black guys. They've got at least four. It was unsettling to me. WE ON sucks.

Jeremy Lane - Did you see the picture of his arm snapping in half? NASTY. He pulled a Grumpy!

Who the fuck is that guy? - That Chris Matthews cat has some skills. I would ask "where did they find that guy" but Al and Chris told us where 40 times and also called him Hardball every chance they could. I thought I heard that the Browns (who were mentioned a few times during the game for some reason) cut Hardball. Makes sense. Got to clear a spot for Nate Burleson!

Nationwide - Uh, sweet commercial about drowning children, bruh. Way to represent Columbus with that interesting advertisement. I don't have coverage through you but I would appreciate it if you did not kill my kid. Thanks! Also, Budweiser mocking craft beer was hilarious. Hilarious because they don't want you to buy better beer. I don't care about commercials though. I'm a winner.

Not Julian Edelman - As annoying and cliche as it is to say, this is just a bro that you want on your team. He makes winning plays. Period. He might not be the MVP, but he was easily runner-up. In FACT, he and Vereen were everything that loser ass LaFell and Blount were supposed to be.

Lenny Kravitz - The Halftime Show was solid even though Lenny was pointless and Missy Elliott sucks. Katy killed it as expected because Katy is ELITE. I also want to draw a line in the sand here: PRINCE SUCKS. FUCK PRINCE. The internet and 40 somethings love him but gritty champions like myself realize that he's only good for Chapelle Show re-enactments and nothing else. All of his songs are terrible. All of them. Come at me, bro.

Tarrold Simon...maybe? - The Patriots kept picking on Lane's replacement but why the hell were they leaving him on an island anyway? That was dumb as fuck.

Brady Haters - He is the best QB of all time. He was before last night. He still is. He always will be. This is not up for debate. Can he be a douche and a cry baby? Of course he can but Tom Brady is the ultimate winner in football. FACT.

Russell Wilson - I didn't think that he played well at all outside of a few deep balls and they REALLY LUCKY completion to Kearse at the end. He should have definitely audibled to a Lynch run. That was dumb as fuck. Yes, it was a stupid play call by Darrell Bevell but Dubs can change it. He failed. That is on him. You have Marshawn fucking Lynch--a human tank--in the backfield with one timeout left. RUN THE GODDAMN BALL.

Doug Baldwin - Finally, this is when everything changed. We all had a good laugh at the "Poopdown", his touchdown celebration where he mimed shitting out a football but the game changed as soon as that happened. I believe it little momentum shifters such as this. When you fucking suck as Baldwin does, you can not do that. Richard Sherman can. Doug Baldwin can not.

So the Patriots win their fourth title and their very horrible fans get to celebrate. Maybe they'll inherit the superior Champions Lane? Someone needs to use it. By the way, JSAUL nailed NE and the OVER so he wins the contest going an impressive 15-7. I owe you ribs on 3/21. As for gambling, I would have made a TON had Lynch been given the ball at the end. Oh well. Time for me to switch things up and watch Downton Abbey. FUCK ALL TEAMS THAT WON FOOTBALL TITLES THIS YEAR.

Forgot to mention...good to see Dut and Ape at Beer Fest on Saturday night. Had a fantastic conversation with Ape. I told him this story...but, worth sharing here...

During one of my trips to the bathroom at the beer fest I was next man up for a urinal/stall....and all of a sudden a chick wearing a dress pops out of a stall. She must have been in there a while as it was obvious that nobody knew she was in there. So, she comes out of the stall and smugly says something like "Lookin' good boys!". As she starts to depart and walk past urinal row....this guy...in his early 20's...that is peeing in a urinal flips around and just drills her in the back with his piss stream...just straight facing everyone in there in line. Then as he turns back to the urinal his piss stream goes across the back of the legs of the guy next to him and that guys knees buckled as he felt it like someone had just come and slit both of his achilles. It took me about 10 seconds to process what I just saw before I laughed for about 10 minutes straight while staring at the fat guy who was mad that his jeans got peed on, but obviously didn't want to tell his friends when he got back out there.

I was happy to see the Seahawks lose. Their fan base is just the worst, and that's saying something in comparison to Boston fans.

A fade to the corner would've been a less dangerous pass at the end. They still should've run the ball every down, but taking that timeout to save a delay of game penalty really affected their thinking. I also think SEA thought NE would start calling their timeouts and froze in a game of chicken with Belichick.

Did I miss Prince being in the news or did you bring this up out of nowhere? I only remember him playing Best Of You by the Foo Fighters during his halftime show and I'm guessing the rest of it sucked.

He brought this up because Poopson said he Katy Perry was the best halftime show ever, which was false. Prince was much better and most certainly does not suck. Not liking Prince is ignorant. But if G$ wants to hop on a Missy/Katy Perry bandwagon, then lulz.

I thought Bruno Mars #KiltIt last year. Some of my OTHER friends were hating on the KP halftime. I thought it went about as expected. She doesn't dance and doesn't get all ragey like Beyonce...she just stands in front of you and sings her poppy songs. Which is fine, I just don't think KP is the type of performer who is ever going to give you something ELITE.

Apparently, the theory on the calls were the fact that they were in Goal Line D - Petey and team thought they could pull a quick pass play and then go run run if they had to. Even though they only had 1 TO left, I still disagree with the call 100% but I 'slightly' see the strategy.

I figured since it was the end of this blog, I'd flex my true sports prowess and finally collect on one of your prizes. But I guess the jokes on me as I now have to show p to rib fest, unless this is a rib dinner on you any night I text you up!?

All Hail Jim Harbaugh's 2030 successor (assuming he'll be dead after all the screaming through 4 national titles), the greatest Michgan man ever, Tom Brady..

I still hadn't decided who I wanted to win that game last night (because I hate both fan bases and teams) until Seattle decided to show how classy they really are and start fighting on a victory formation play. Was great to see them lose. Very satisfying too when you then immediately turn it off so you don't have to see NE celebrate.

You know your WR core is bad when your top performer in the Super Bowl went to Kentucky (let's exclude Randall Cobb here because he is a freak of nature and should have never went to UK).