VACATION RENTALS

Spend the upcoming very short Christmas weekend with Adam, his parents, and our three dogs on the Oregon coast.

Being the anal retentive planner that I am, I was quickly crowned, ‘house hunter’ and began my quest to find us the most perfect beach house Cannon Beach, OR had to offer.

I very quickly had a realization that went a little something like this.

WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS THE MOST EXPENSIVE SELECTION OF PROPERTY RENTAL HOMES I HAVE EVER COME ACROSS IN MY ENTIRE LIFE DOES CANNON BEACH EVEN REALIZE THAT CHRISTMAS WEEKEND ON THE OREGON COAST MEANS RAIN RAIN AND MORE RAIN CAN THEY COMPREHEND THAT THEIR HOUSE IS 12 SQUARE FEET AND THAT CHARGING 4000 A WEEK SHOULD PROBABLY GET THEM SUED FOR FRAUDULENT ADVERTISING?

Or something.

Not willing to give up, I offered a change of location to the group, preferably one that wasn’t 400 dollars a night for a shack 12 blocks away from the beach.

I found some delightful homes. On the beach, hot tubs, reasonably priced, and actually well decorated so that when the weekend was over we wouldn’t have our retinas burnt off from all the shitty decorating choices.

No seriously, why are the people who rent out their second home SO FUCKING BAD AT DECORATING? You have the money to own a second home, on the beach no less, and you can’t take the time to fill it with something other than disgusting doilies and so much floral print I have a seizure sitting in your living room for more than 20 minutes?

/rant

AND as you probably guessed, turned out that even though the site said the house was available, turned out in a dramatic twist, they were booked.

FANTASTIC.

Try again.

Another house.

Equally lovely.

They ask about the dogs, even though their property is listed as ‘pet friendly’ on the site.

I try to be honest. Listing the sizes and breeds like they asked, being sure to let them know the puppy is crate trained and passed obedience training with flying colors. I make a joke about the oldest dog being fond of napping and burrito snatching because I can’t think of another way to calm their fears that I am bringing 3 crazy couch eating monsters into their vacation rental.

I shouldn’t be surprised when all I get is, radio silence.

So I look for more homes. New areas, smaller towns, different locations, checking over and over to see if there is some clue that with each new listing ‘pet friendly’ actually means ‘only pet friendly if your dog is a teacup chihuahua’.

I want so badly to punch each and every one of the irresponsible dog owners of the world who have completely destroyed this process for me. All the fuck tards who rented a house that was listed as ‘pet friendly’ and then let their dog pee on the carpet, the ones who brought a wet dog in the rental and let it shake all over the living room and sleep on the couch, and more than anything I want to donkey punch each person who left their maniac mutt alone in the house for hours on end and returned to a chewed couch and didn’t replace it.

Irresponsible dog owners, you fucking suck and you are destroying my Christmas.

Shitty dog owners of the world, if you ruin my Christmas weekend by making me either A. finally agree to rent a double wide trailer 400 blocks from the beach JUST so we can bring the dogs, or B. force me to end up caving and sending Oly to the boarders over Christmas just so I can have my beach front Christmas weekend I am coming after every last one of you.

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Comments

That’s terrible. Some people ruin it for everyone. I hope you guys can find a great one and you can prove to renters that some people actually train their dogs and won’t chew all their valuable doilies to shreds.

I’ve always found those tiny dogs to be more likely to pee on the carpet, actually.

Also – really who does that? Who stays in someone else’s house and lets their dog destroy things? I say that as someone with a dog who is roughly the canine equivalent of a Sherman tank. If you get in her way she will destroy you, your home, and anything you ever cared about (sometimes I think she might even be trying to destroy my soul). So we…don’t inflict her on other people or their property. Sometimes you can’t help that your dog is a horrible dog, but you can help it that your dog destroyed someone else’s possessions.

Super annoying!! It always blows my mind how much people will try to charge for vacation rentals. Also, tell the lame renters in Cannon Beach that I paid less than 1/3 of that for an amazing condo on the beach in Kauai in peak season. Suckers.

Also, I’m kind of really afraid of dogs I don’t know and it’s because of those idiot owners who don’t train their dogs well, or at all, and so their dogs lunge and snap and growl and bite and do other scary and unpredictable things and thus make all dogs look like threats to me, ruining the cuteness. BOO.