What it Means for Leaders to Show Up

Recently, Pam Fox Rollin interviewed me for her . When I talked about the importance of how leaders show up, Pam paused to ask me to define that for her. It took a few seconds for me to collect my thoughts because this idea / concept / way of being has been with me for many years.

1992 was the first time I heard “show up” in a way that took on a whole new meaning for me.Angeles Arrien and Michael Meade gave a workshop at Mills College (Oakland, California) when I heard her describe the Four-Fold Way. It has become a practice of mine since that time. Simple yet challenging. Angeles and how she “shows up” made quite an impression on me that weekend; enough so that she became a very important teacher and mentor in my life.

The Four-Fold Way in short:

Show up, and choose to be present.

Pay attention to what has heart and meaning.

Tell the truth without blame or judgment.

Be open to outcome, not attached to outcome.

Let’s unpack Show up. Ask yourself,” how do I show up?” Am I present? Do people feel and experience my availability to be there for them or am I distracted, on to the next thing, focused on what I want to say; the point I want to make, forcing an outcome I think is best? Do I show-up as wise, inviting, real, open, clear, honest … ? Do I show-up as striving to be clever, to look good, be the star, as dominant, reactive, overbearing, manipulative, trying to please, arrogant, passive, critical, controlling … ? People see us.

If we are asleep to ourselves; if we let our subconscious habits and patterns of thought, feelings and reactions drive our behavior, the way we show-up becomes who we are and how others see us.

Often these patterns are coping strategies that were beneficial early in life but have become walls that keep us apart from one another and from ourselves.

One of the reasons I love to work with the Enneagram is that it quickly points to these patterns and brings them out in the open. If you can’t see it or acknowledge it, you can’t change it.

The good news is that, once visible to us, we have a choice and a chance to shift these patterns.

Fully showing-up means we show-up for ourselves and are present to both our inner-self and outer world. When we are fully present in this way, we turn off the auto-pilot, listen to what is going on inside us, and respond to the context–“what would best serve me and others in this moment? What would be most effective right now?”

When we show up and are present, we can listen to what has heart and meaning, tell the truth without blame or judgment and be open to outcome, not attached to outcome.

When we show up, we have access to our inner guidance that helps us navigate through calm and rough seas. It is only through this deep listening — when we show up fully to ourselves and others — that we become free.

Thanks Greg! Good question. I imagine you have an opinion on this one so please weigh in. Could be a chicken and egg thing. When we are busy doing all of the things we think we have to do, we are often disconnected from ourselves because we are so focused on the doing. When we launch into “busy-ness” it is often a strategy (conscious or unconscious) to disconnect / escape from our inner self. Most of us distract ourselves from ourselves by staying on the go and numerous other ways we run away from ourselves. When we do that, we are mostly on autopilot and letting our subconscious run the show. Much to say on this topic, but I’ll stop here. So what is your experience?

but from my own experience, just very recently i was jolted by a strong feeling of anxiety that seemed very familiar yet so distant. i have been unemployed for about 3 months and currently starting with my new job. i sent my mom an sms saying something like doing an errand after work, and all of a sudden just by typing the word “work” a flood of sadness swept through me which i knew i’ve been holding off since i resigned from my previous job. i have just been so consumed in finding work and probably, “subconsciously”, have been holding off all my negative emotions just to make sure i remain composed through the ordeal. so now that i have all these emotions flooding my inner self, i say “hey self, we don’t have time to deal with this. can’t you see i’m busy with the new job?” in the process of storing these emotions to some emotional cupboard inside me, i find out that i have numerous cupboards from the past still waiting to be opened and dealt with.

so i’m happy and relieved that i have this venue to blurt this out and i hope wendy you can give me direction on how to unravel all these cupboards i have.

thanks to becky robinson for sharing this site in twitter.

July 17, 2012

editor

Dear Zarah,
You are quite wise to realize that you are storing difficult and perhaps “unwanted” feelings for some later date. You are also probably wise enough to know that if you don’t allow yourself time to experience these feelings, they will ultimately come back to bite you in the butt in one unexpected way or another. Your question about unpacking your many cupboards is a big one and I am not going to be able to do it justice in this venue. But I can give you a couple of tips.

Maybe you are grieving the change–letting go of your job? Even when it is something we choose, there is a letting go with change that evokes feelings. Take time to appreciate what was, what you learned, how you grew, the people with whom you worked and connected …

My wise aunt once said to me, “Wendy, the only way through, is through.” Once I turned to face my difficult and painful feelings and let them move through me, I was grateful. It helped me get through something rather than sweep it under the rug so that I would trip over them later. I find that putting my thoughts and feelings on paper by writing in a journal is really useful. This process helps me understand myself better. I don’t edit, I just let the pen flow, sometimes I draw pictures … just express yourself in whatever way you want.

I hope this is helpful for you Zarah. I wish you much success in your new job and in life.
My Best,
Wendy

Hi Greg, Went on holiday and realize I didn’t remember to respond to your comment upon my return. Yes, I do think there is a relationship between being in a hurry and disconnected–both from ourselves and others. Many of us run away from intimate contact with ourselves by distracting (rush, stay busy, mobile devices, drugs … ) and we run away from intimate contact with others. If we are constantly in a hurry and distracted and are rushing around, how can we be connected. Our thoughts are elsewhere, on the present/past or present/future.
Just yesterday, I was talking with a gentleman from London who has been living in a small village on an island the Mediterranean for the past 12 years. “Andrew, how do you like living here?” Andrew didn’t miss a beat, “I was just back in London and I don’t know how I ever survived there. Everyone is running around like headless chickens and endlessly checking their mobile devices. It’s insane.”

[…] Influence LLC) submits on behalf of Wendy Appel, from her Wendy Appel: The Enneagram Source blog: What it Means for Leaders to Show Up. “In this post, Wendy Appel, author of “InsideOut Enneagram” discusses the […]