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Topic Review (Newest First)

04-16-2012 02:17 PM

CH

Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

File for D and prepare to move on with your life.

My wife did that, all the begging, crying, pleading, more begging didn't make me budge. The minute she threw me out and told me to get out of her life I got the message.

BTW, if they leave and op for divorce you haven't lost anything at all. You've already lost at this point, the only thing you can do is file for D and if she comes around then you've only gained (although to me I think you really still lose out by taking us cheaters back).

04-16-2012 12:12 PM

turnera

Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

Just ruminate on what that book had to tell you. It likely will require a complete mindshift on how to live your life, and that will take a lot of work!

But it will be worth it. Go back, and make a cheat sheet out of the things it says to do, and review it each morning. "Today, I will..."

I finished reading NMMNG this weekend. I am going to really put some energy into all of the breaking free activities. I was exhausted reading the last chapter. I am going to re-read the last chapter this week.

I'm far from an expert with women. I honestly expected her to at least try marriage counseling because I was apologizing profusely and committing to making changes.

I'm definitely paying attention if you have any advice.

She doesn't want to do MC because she doesn't care to save the M. Sorry. This is how my exh was, he actually lied to me about calling for MC, but never did it. He would profess he still loved me and wanted to work on our M, however, he wanted to do no lifting at all, in fact he expected me to make him feel like it was worth it for him to try to fix the M. He didn't want to loose his on-line gf's in case it didn't work out with me. At some point I stopped listening to his words and started to pay attention to his actions. Words mean nothing when their actions are saying the opposite.

04-03-2012 11:33 PM

the guy

Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

The confidence PTH is talking about is a perception to make you look more attractive...a new man if you will. The idea here is stopping the guy your wife is running away from but being a new guy with confidence and an ego that will make her second guess her choices.
The perception of how positive you look to her (no matter how hard) will be an action that she will see, that your moving on. This just might scare some sence into her. I thinks it time to get positive you just might see a chang in additude from your WW.

So please with a smile on your face (no matter how fake), show your WW and others that her crap will not define who you want to be.

Your question about informing her AP about her other relationship(s) is about punishing her. You need to let that go. It's very likely that her relationship with her AP will fail. It's very likely that she will have multiple, failed relationships after, or even during, your divorce. There is nothing you can do about these relationships. And by trying to break up her relationship(s), you're only reenforcing her perception of you as wanting her to be miserable.

The best thing you can do is to be a counterexample to your wife. She will be poor and miserable in an unstable life. So you should be confident and happy in a stable life. It is possible, though increasingly unlikely, that she will become attracted to you after she sees you as happy and unconcerned with her.

She was attracted to me at some point. Why do you think it's increasingly unlikely that she will become attracted to me?

I plan to become happy without her, but I still would prefer to keep my family together.

I have documented her violent outburts and suicide talks. My attorney knows about them. It doesn't really matter unless we go to court though. I live in Texas and it is insanely difficult to get more than every other weekend visitation for a father.

I kind of think her suicide talks were just her trying to manipulate me. But, she does can get pretty emotional when she gets upset.

I'm not planning to support her financially. I have no problem taking care of the boys, but I don't think I have any other responsibility that child support when the boys are with her.

Keep a VAR on you at all times. In some states, talk of suicide can land you a 30 day stay for observation in the local nut house.

Your question about informing her AP about her other relationship(s) is about punishing her. You need to let that go. It's very likely that her relationship with her AP will fail. It's very likely that she will have multiple, failed relationships after, or even during, your divorce. There is nothing you can do about these relationships. And by trying to break up her relationship(s), you're only reenforcing her perception of you as wanting her to be miserable.

The best thing you can do is to be a counterexample to your wife. She will be poor and miserable in an unstable life. So you should be confident and happy in a stable life. It is possible, though increasingly unlikely, that she will become attracted to you after she sees you as happy and unconcerned with her.

I'm in a complete catch 22. If I stand up for myself, I am the mean and terrible husband she thinks of me as and is justified in leaving. She keeps telling me that I am controlling and all I try to do now is control her with money. It definitely does not seem like she is going to change her mind.

You need to stop arguing with her. At this point, she's like a toddler. If you tell a toddler that she needs to eat her broccoli, she won't understand why. She will think you're mean for making her eat yucky stuff when she wants to eat cookies. And nothing you say to her will change her mind. So stop trying. That's why, "because I said so," is such an effective reason with toddlers. They won't understand vitamins and fiber and balanced diets. So you would be wasting your time in explaining it.

Start thinking of your wife like a toddler. She wants your money and her boyfriend's body. And she won't understand the adult perspective of how married couples are exclusive. So stop talking to her like she's an adult who is capable of understanding rational arguments and making rational decisions. She is a toddler who is pitching a fit.

I'm not sure if I should tell her affair partner that she has been dating someone else while she has been sleeping with him. Should I tell him so he knows he is getting manipulated? What does everyone think?

It's none of your business. Your wife didn't make any vows to the AP. She owes him nothing. Would you inform McDonald's that your wife plans on eating at KFC today? Of course not.

04-02-2012 09:46 AM

Shaggy

Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

When she has her out breaks and suicide moments you should be calling the cops and having the officially record the incidents.

You should also be carrying a VAR on your at all times to capture what she is saying .

04-02-2012 09:17 AM

turnera

Re: Desperately want to end wife's affair

BeenThere, in all my years of doing this, I never thought of having another family member doing the exposing. Huh. I may actually start suggesting that. I do believe that a betrayed spouse should be the one doing the busting - the BS has to learn to be angry and stand up for themselves - but if that alone doesn't work, ask the others to help.

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