Ask Conlan: The Controversial Survey (Part 1)

Welcome… to a Very Special Edition of… Ask Conlan. (Sweeps week.) In this episode, the first in a four-part series, I address controversial topics from a MySpace bulletin I saw one time. You know, serious shtuff like youth in Asia and the growing economic obesity epitome. You won’t want to miss a second of this action-packed series of blogs in my brand new, patent-pending 3-Dquestion/answer format!

Programming note: I’m counting the TIME it takes to read this as the third dimension, along with the height (first) and width (second) of the screen. This is instead of the traditional third dimension: depth. If this annoys you, and you prefer the “traditional definition” of the third dimension, you are undoubtedly a bigot and probably want all 12-year-old girls to have babies with assault rifles (see question 11). But I want equality for all dimensions! And too bad for you, grandpa! Obama’s gonna be president now and he’s gonna give everyone all the dimensions they want; spread the space-time around. I heard Stephen Hawking is going to be the new Secretary of Health and Human Services!

But I digress. Let’s get on with the controversy.

1. Do you have the guts to answe​r these​ quest​ions and re-​​​post this as The Contr​overs​ial Survey?​​​
No.

2. Would​ you do meth if it was legal​ized?​​​
Maybe, but not very much. Sometimes I like to figure out my gas mileage by dividing the miles driven by the number of gallons it takes to fill up. And one time I needed to figure out how much money I needed to pay my bills. But really, it’s rare. And I don’t even remember anything from calculus.

3. Abort​ion:​​​ for or again​st it?
Listen, I’m no astronaut (nor have I ever pretended to be—although one time I did wear adult diapers and drove a really long way). In fact, I hate astronauts. I learned this from the UCB. But I’m tolerant. Don’t get me wrong, I wish they’d all just blast off (if you know what I mean). Effin’ astronauts, I hate them so much.

4. Do you think​ the world​ would​ fail with a femal​e presi​dent?​​​
I and most geologists agree, were a woman to be elected president of some country, the Earth’s core (comprised of a mixture of iron, nickel, and robots) would become unstable. The robots, deprived of their iron-nickel fuel would not be able to compute the complex brain teasers sent weekly from Jupiter, King of the Planets. Thus, the Earth’s scores would drop significantly (and we’re only at a C- average as it is!), and the world would indeed fail. The physical process of this is too scientific to go into here, but it has to do with estrogen and lava and read between the lines.

5. Do you belie​ve in the death​ penal​ty?​​​
It can be appropriate sometimes, but personally I think it’s one of the most overused calls in the NFL.