Pages

Friday, March 18, 2011

Seasons

There is something about every season that leaves me debiliated by memories. They are good memories, which is what makes it so weird to me. But it happens, all the time, year after year. Something, anything, will trigger a memory of something from my past and I will be rendered unable to go on. I will be left longing for these happy times. And it doesn't make the least bit of sense - I have everything I ever wanted out of life. Why can't I be happy about it?

This quirk of mine has made it almost impossible for me to enjoy most things "in the moment". I can't experience anything for what it is; I spend my time trying to recreate moments from my past. And then, whennothing lives up to my unrealistic expectations, I am left sad and disappointed and even further convinced that nothing can ever be as good as the things I remember. And it is mostly imposible for anything to go exactly as I would like, since nothing is the same as it was when those original memories occured.

I don't think this is normal, i don't think everyone feels this way. I think that most people remember fond times, are happy for the memory, and move on with their lives without feeling guilty for leaving these memories behind. That's the best way I can think of to describe it - I feel like I am betraying those memories, and the people in them, if I try to do anything differently. Take holiday traditons, for example. If I try to do something different and make a new tradition for Christmas, I am wracked by guilt and the experience is ruined. But there is no way to continue every old tradition and recreate every old memory associated with the holiday. It just isn't possible. And I know this. But even so, I am wracked by guilt if I don't try. And when I do try, and the experience feels forced and not at all the way I remembered and had hoped for, I am devistated. EVery time. So no matter what, I feel like I am condemned to live the rest of my life feeling sad and guilty and unable to fully enjoy the wonderful life I have right now.

I don't want you to think that I spend all of my time feeling this way because that's not true. But strange, unpredictable thing can trigger these thoughts, so I can go from having a fine, happy day to being incapacitated by grief and longing and guilt. I know that people sometimes feel this way when they have really bad memories, but my memories are good - they should be making me happy! They shouldn't be turning my life into a broken-down shrine to the past. But I really just don't know what to do about it. I am missing out on so many good things that are happening to me right now, unable to be fully immersed in the present.

I am feeling this way tonight, in case you didn't gather that from this uncharacteristically emo post.