09 November 2011

His long record tarnished by a growing child-abuse scandal and accusations of a high-level cover-up, Penn State football coach Joe Paterno has announced plans to retire at the end of this season. His next step, sources say, will be a bid to be named Supreme Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church.

“Joe believes that his experience — especially his most recent experience — is exactly what the Church needs,” said one friend. “He’s the right man with the right skills for the job.”

He knows from Hail Mary Passes.

In an unrelated development, Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain has announced his willingness to accept the post of Prime Minister of Italy, following Silvio Berlusconi’s resignation, which is expected to be announced this week.