This is a place where I can post family updates and ramble about things as I try to find my way since the recent death of my daughter. Life has completely changed for my sons, my husband and myself. Our faith has been a great source of comfort and we'll continue to rely on it as we press forward.

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The Story of Christmas & Silly Socks

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

I have decided that it's time to blog again. My life has forever changed since the death of my beautiful daughter, Jessica. I have changed. My grief has changed again and again. A lot has happened since I last blogged. My middle son, Brandon, went on a mission to Oregon last year. It has been such a blessing for him and for us. He is doing the Lord's work and is really enjoying his mission. I will post photos that he has sent soon but for today I wanted to post a couple of videos about Easter and the journey that I am on right now.

Easter was two days ago and the sacrifices that our Savior made for us all have been in the front of my mind. My aunt LaRae died on April 7th, one day after General Conference. I love her and her family so much! LaRae is my mom's younger sister. LaRae and Lamon have lived 2 hours away for many years. LaRae has a son named Todd who is Jessica's age. It was awesome to be pregnant at the same time as my aunt. In many ways I feel as though Todd is like one of my own sons. He is good friends with all my three of my sons and LaRae would bring him to family functions here when my mom would come to town. It was good to see Todd and offer support to him, his siblings and his dad, Lamon at the funeral last week. LaRae fought a valiant fight against cancer and as her health declined it brought back memories to me of when my own daughter was dying. During this time a dear friend's daughter is also dying. Jessi (my friend Jen's daughter) was born with CHD, hydrocephalus, down syndrome, and more. Jessi has been battling leukemia for the last couple of years and the chemo has damaged her already compromised heart. Jessi is in the hospital and doesn't have much time left. Going through this with her mom, Jen, has also been very hard for me.

With all this disease and death so near to my heart I have had to fight flashbacks of when Jessica died. It's something that I know I will have to deal with since I have PTSD. When I said good bye to my dear aunt, it felt like I said good bye to my daughter all over again. I sobbed the whole two hour trip home. I was ready for Jessica to come back now. I was exhausted physically and emotionally. Three days later, on Saturday, all my family got together at my brother's house to celebrate Easter. I had gotten some rest by then and was feeling much better. We had a wonderful time at my brother Stuart's house and I could feel my family's love. I knew I could push forward again.

My husband and I went to church the next day and I went home feeling the Savior's love even more. The missionaries come to our house every Sunday and I had found a couple of videos to share with Karl, Austin and the Elders. We were all touched by the Spirit of the Lord and I knew without a doubt that the Savior suffered and died for our sins. He rose from the dead so that we can all live again. I will be with my daughter, my aunt, my nephew, my cousin, my grandparents and ALL those loved ones again one day. I have the opportunity to repent so that I can be with them for all eternity. Knowing this brings hope to my weary heart.

The following video is John the Beloved's witness of Jesus Christ's ministry, His suffering in the garden of Gethsemane, crucifixion and resurrection. It is hard to see even just a portion of what Christ went through in order to pay for our sins and to die the way he did. The brutality of it all can be overwhelming but to see Him after He was resurrected is an incredible feeling. I hope you feel the love of our Savior while watching this video. Sometimes I can't believe that He went through all that for ME! He did it for you, too.