This beautiful mess

Saturday, February 19, 2011

It's done. Well, almost done. We've signed papers and somehow came to agree on everything, although that was no easy feat. Now we wait for the judge to make it "official".

I sat through 7 hours of mediation on Thursday. Talk about a process! And a mighty expensive one at that. Although I suppose ending a 10 1/2 year marriage is a process. We didn't see each other. We sat in separate rooms with our lawyers and the mediator went back and forth between us discussing all the details and letting us know what the other wanted. 7 hours later we had agreed. Papers were signed and the whole process was complete.

The last 7-8 months have not been easy. There have been a lot of ugly words and feelings expressed. I've experienced feelings I never thought I would. I've had things said to me that a person should never have to hear. I understand there's a point where people are hurt and angry and they just want to hurt someone more to make themselves feel better. But its unacceptable. Some things should just never be said. I'm glad to have that in my past. I am more than happy to be closing that door.

When I think about the fact that I just ended a 10 year marriage, an over 18 year relationship/friendship, it baffles my mind a little. But, the fact is that neither of us were happy. We met at a young age, fell in love (or so we thought), and rushed to get married. It's kind of funny because last night on the news there was actually a story about marriage in Utah and how people here get married so young and or divorce rate is so high. I was that person. I was young and thought marriage was what I needed to do. Yes, marriage is hard. There are struggles. It is not always an easy process and it takes a lot of work. But, sometimes as hard as you try, it just isn't going to work. It is difficult to think my marriage is over. My friendship with someone who had been a best friend for as long as I can remember is over. I don't know that we'll ever be good friends again. I hope for it, for my children's sake, and for ours, but I don't know. Its a hard pill to swallow at times, I won't lie.

With all of that said, nothing can describe the feeling of being happy with yourself and in your life. The way I feel about myself now, and the way I feel with myself and with my three beautiful children, can not be described. It brings me to tears just thinking about it. I covered up who I was for many years. I was not a happy person. I pretended, and I did it well. But to now be able to be myself is beyond words. I truly feel that people need to be honest with themselves and I was not. I have the privilege of having three wonderful kids in my life and I enjoy each and every day I have with them. And I know their dad enjoys them much more now as well.

Monday, February 7, 2011

I must say I wouldn't wish divorce upon anyone. I imagined I would get through this easily, quickly, and being as civil as possible. Wow, did I under estimate that! The last week has been hell. The things people do when they are mad or upset are quite surprising. I'm glad to have the last week behind me. I'm also very thankful for the wonderful friends and family that I have. There are a few people I definitely couldn't get through this without. I'm so glad I have people who understand me, are forgiving, and very supportive! I need them to vent to, cry to, and just pretty much whine to whenever necessary! As ugly as last week was, things are looking up. I'm meeting new people, discovering new things about myself, and going out new places. All very exciting! I'm also learning, or trying to, to accept things as they are and not let it affect me. This is hard, but I'm trying. There is so much I can take from this experience. I'm trying to take it all in, learn from it, and definitely not make the same mistakes again. Wish me luck!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

I've always been the type of person that holds myself together really well. I don't let things get to me, I make it through extremely difficult situations quite calmly. I don't over react to trivial things. I gave birth to my first child 12 weeks early and dealt with her being in the NICU for 9 weeks and coming home with oxygen and other issues. I sent my husband away to Iraq for 14 months right after this baby was born and hardly shed a tear about any of it. I never had a break down, I never freaked out. I just went day to day and did what I needed to do and handled it all because I know that that is what needs to be done and having a breakdown doesn't fix the problem.

This doesn't mean I don't get upset from time to time. I'm quite good at expressing myself in situations where I disagree, or feel I need to put my foot down. I speak up when I need to and I do not let people walk all over me. Yet, now I'm suddenly having a hard time being that person. My ex has found a way to get to me, and I can't stay calm or hold myself together. Through the last six months of our separation I have not stooped to his level with the name calling or yelling and belittling. Not at all. I see no place for that and do not find it necessary. I believe I can be the bigger person, and have been. But damn, it is getting difficult.

This has been a very emotional week. I can not stand the way he is choosing to go about handling our situation any longer, and I can not keep my mouth shut about it anymore. Yet he always seems to get his way with the schedule, the kids, everything. He has everything held over my head every second. It's getting difficult to stay strong and calm and I want to run away and hide for about a month on some secluded beach where I don't have to deal with any of it. But, since I know that isn't going to happen anytime soon, I keep at it. I'll just keep pushing down the urge I have to punch him right between the eyes. He probably feels the same way about me. I suppose when two people go through a divorce that is how you feel about each other.

Let's hope next week's better. I need a good week. I need to be that happy, fulfilled person I was becoming. So, here's to Monday and a new week! Best of luck to us all!

Saturday, January 1, 2011

I have never looked forward to a new year more than now. 2011 is a new start, a new beginning, a whole new chapter for me. And I couldn't be happier and more excited about all of the changes and possibilities. Am I nervous? Scared? YEP!! Am I unsure of what's to come and what to expect? YEP!! But am I looking forward to discovering new things, learning more about myself, enjoying time with my children, and being happy? YOU BET!!

Let's give everyone a quick history review. Some of you are here wondering what in the world all of this means. I am currently separated from my husband of 10 years and will be divorced soon. Don't worry, I'm fine, I'm happy! I was in a marriage I was not happy in. I was not being my true self. He wasn't happy either. I was very good at pretending things were fine and making it look like we were the perfect little Utah County family. Well, that was not the case. And, I soon came to realize that this was not a healthy relationship for any of us.

I am ready to move forward.

So, here it is. This beautiful mess. My divorce. Life as a single mom with three kids. Entering into the dating world again. (Yikes!!) Starting a new full time job. And all of the other experiences that come along with it. And no more pretending.

About Me

I am a 30-something year old woman, mother of 3 children, and a soon to be divorcee from a 10 year marriage. I am ready to be honest and real. I have learned it is time to stop pretending and find my true happiness within myself. And I am well on my way to that. Through this blog I will tell it how it is, the good and the bad. No sugar coating it. I have done that for too long. So, here it is, this beautiful mess that is my life.