Mitchell is planning big things for his costume at his new law firm, at which everyone apparently goes all out for Halloween. An incident in Cam’s past has him now hating the holiday.

Claire is making the kids get ready for their Haunted House of Horrors. Luke plays along, Alex is too busy studying, Haley is a slutty cat. After demanding Haley change her costume, Claire warns Haley, “I am sparing you an entire day of guys asking you if you have a rough tongue.”

Claire then calls Jay to make sure he and Gloria will be there in full costume. After reassuring Claire, Jay calls Gloria to make sure they have costumes. They’re dressing up as a gargoyle and a witch. Gloria struggles with English.

Mitchell shows up for work in a Spider-man costume. Huge mistake, predictably. He calls Cam complaining, “There are exactly three people in costume here: a tool, a douche, and me.” Mitchell realizes he still has dry-cleaning in the trunk and puts a suit on over his costume. His arms awkwardly squeak in the hallway, and his boss notices.

As Phil prepares his house with ridiculous, over-the-top Halloween decorations, he strikes up a conversation with the neighbor, Jerry, whose wife just left him. Phil worries when he learns the separation was out of the blue and starts imagining that Claire is losing interest in him. Claire’s distraction with Halloween fuels this paranoia.

Mitchell’s colleagues bully the guys in costume, while Mitchell continues to try and hide his squeaks. Aside, he says it was the worst Halloween ever. Cam come back to say “Really, Mitchell? The worst Halloween ever? You had squeaky thighs. I lost a childhood.” We know Cam is always overdramatic, but that doesn’t lessen the anticipation to hear what happened

Jay tells Gloria that she struggles with English. Gloria says she’d rather live in a “doggy dog” world full of puppies than a “dog eat dog” world where everyone eats each other. She also confuses “blessings in disguise” with “blessings in the sky” and “carpal tunnel syndrome” with “carpool tunnel syndrome.” The funniest part of the episode yet is when Jay opens his package from the mail, expecting to get Gloria’s order of “baby cheeses” and instead gets a box full of “baby Jesus’.” The play on words in this scene is brilliant.

Phil pretends to comfort Jerry, but is really looking for advice to save his own marriage. For the second time, he scares himself to death with the popup skeleton in his yard. Haley comes down in a slutty nurse costume. Claire asks, “Are you trying to get candy or Japanese businessmen?” Phil tries to be “sexy” with Claire. They fall off a ladder.

Mitchell tries to take off his costume in the bathroom, but, of course, his pants fall in the toilet and the janitor takes his shirt. He decides to embody his costume, and spider-man through the window and down the side of the building to his car to get new clothes. He hits two other cars, setting off their alarms. All of his coworkers stare at him in full costume, through the windows of the office building.

Later that evening, fully dressed as a corpse bride, Claire directs everyone in their Haunted House of Horrors. Mitchell complains, Cam complains, and Mitchell exclaims to Cam, “You don’t OWN bad Halloweens.”

Gloria walks in as a witch with a hilarious American accent.

Claire makes Cam finally talk about his bad Halloween so he’ll shutup about it. Apparently, he was blamed as a child for a trick-or-treat no-no, but his story is interrupted when the first kids show up at the house.

Their House of Haunted Horros fail because Jay is slow, Cam can’t stop talking about his bad Halloween from fifteen years ago, and Gloria can’t do a scary witch voice with her American accent. Not knowing about Gloria’s insecurities, Claire exclaims, “Gloria, since when do you speak English?!” A cringing moment, making it all the more hysterical.

The haunted house fails a second time. Cam finishes his story– he was chased by the other kids and peed his pants. Claire continues to mock Gloria’s ridiculous voice. Still, no one can understand Gloria’s accent. Gloria storms out.

The sentimental moment of the episode: on the porch, Jay tells Gloria the story of when they first met and how he fell in love with her lively accent. Gloria happily turns around, but Cam suddenly stands up dressed as the scarecrow. Gloria screams out of terror and punches him in the face.

Inside, everyone is annoyed for their own reasons, and they all decide to leave the haunted house. Claire storms out, and then storms back in with a tirade about how Halloween is her holiday and nobody cares. She storms out again.

Second sentimental moment of the episode: Phil follows Claire outside and admits that Jerry’s situation has had him worried about their marriage. Claire assures him he’s stuck with her. More kids arrive to trick-or-treat, and from outside, Claire and Phil can hear the rest of the family completing the haunted house for Claire with great success.

The credits scene: everyone is gathered around at Jay and Gloria’s continuing to mock Gloria’s poor English. She pretends to laugh, Jay compares her to explosives, and right on cue, she explodes. Tonight, Gloria’s subplot was the funniest. Overall, extremely impressive for a Halloween themed episode. What you can expect from Modern Family.

Related

The Board of Trustees, which is convening on campus this weekend, is expected to vote on an amendment to the University’s Recognition Policy, which seeks to ban alcohol, drugs, and hazing from recruitment and new member education. “I’m pretty certain that it’s going to pass,” said Asa Craig ’11, student-elected trustee.