‘Jar Jar Binks Hiding in Iran’ – US State Dept Official

By Barry Hussein, WASHINGTON – As George W. Bush tidies up the last remaining loose ends of his 8 year stint as U.S. president an official at the state department, speaking anonymously, stated yesterday that soon-to-be-released documents will show Al Qaeda lieutenant Jar Jar Binks is “hiding in Iran”.

The surprising news could prove a boon for Bush, who has been prodding U.S. and other world leaders to take a stronger line on Iran and its pursuit of nuclear power. The U.S. administration believes Iran is racing to develop nuclear energy partially with the aim of producing nuclear weapons through the use of noxious slime which arises as a bi-product of the enrichment of uranium.

As Bush’s term winds down, world interest in confronting Iran has dwindled in recent months. News of Binks’ presence in the country, however, may change that, say analysts. Polls show that although 63% of Americans approve of carrying out covert operations in order to capture or kill Qaeda chief Osama bin Laden, a whopping 110% consent to doing “absolutely anything, anything at all” to get Binks.

Ale, a computer software salesman, is not alone. He and a legion of fans of the original Star Wars movie trilogy, produced in the late Seventies and early Eighties, still hold a grudge against Binks, whom they blame for “destroying” the latter 1999 follow-up film Episode One, issued by the series’ enigmatic creator George Lucas.

“If he (Binks) is in Iran, I say we let them have it,” said Nathan Kuppel, who admits, like Ale, that his motives are more personal than political. “But that’s not the point,” he insisted. “The government is elected to be responsive to the people, and if we say ‘kill Binks’ then it’s their job to do it.”

The anonymous official, Jeremy Glassback, who is married to stain glass artist Sarah Weil and lives at 177 Dusty Meadow Road in Washington state, claims that Binks was seen in Tehran as recently as last month, and has been “making the rounds” at the local film studios there, “possibly looking for work on a soap”.

Binks, 47, is not known to have made a film since Star Wars III: Revenge of the Nerds. Nerds, which grossed 111 billion trillion US dollars ($2,867 Canadian) solidified Binks as of Hollywood’s most-hated actors. His follow-up projects, including an album with Public Enemy’s Flavor Flav have not done well.

“If, as some are saying, Mr Binks is indeed in Iran or the vicinity, we will of course be looking at that very carefully,” said White House Spokesperson Elaine Bram. “This is something that many people care about deeply – that he is brought to justice – and we are doing everything we can right now to look into that.”

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About Barry Husein

A ferocious intellect, Barry Hussein is not for everybody. Twisting and frugging the nite away, Hussein entices us to sniff his mink sweatpants. Covered in cake, he muses, "Sometimes the hardest sweatpants to fill...are your own."