Caity Weaver

The lies in Chris Brown's community service progress reports are so egregious, so bald-faced, so flabbergastingly, blatantly untrue, that it's shocking to think anyone ever intended to pass them off as factual.

Fortunately, a human being with eyes capable of reading words saw the reports and realized that everything written in them was probably a lie. Now California prosecutors have asked a judge to order Chris Brown to complete the 1,400 hours of community service he was assigned after his conviction for felony assault for beating Rihanna.

Here are the highlights of the 19-page motion filed by the L.A. County District Attorney's office, in which Deputy District Attorney Mary Murray describes the records of Brown's community service (provided by the Richmond, VA police department) as "at best sloppy documentation and at worst fraudulent reporting."

On October 23, 2010, Chris Brown picked up trash for eight hours in Richmond Virginia while in Washington, D.C.

On March 15, 2012, Chris Brown picked up trash for eight hours while on a private jet headed to Cancun.

On December 12, 2011, at 6:44 a.m., Homeland Security records show that Chris Brown's passport was cleared at Dulles Airport outside D.C. (He had just flown in from Dubai.) Beginning at 9 a.m., Chris Brown picked up trash for eight hours in the same one block area in Richmond.

Richmond is approximately 120 miles from Dulles airport. It would be unreasonable to believe that after a 12-13 hour flight, the Defendant rushed through Customs and the Washington D.C. early morning rush hour traffic, traveled directly to Richmond in just over two hours, and then worked eight straight hours picking up trash in a one block area.

On November 8, 2011, the Richmond police department reported that Brown had completed "103 days of community labor" — the equivalent of 824 hours. On February 8, 2012, the Richmond police department reported that Brown had "completed 701 hours of community labor thus far," indicating that, in the three intervening months, Chris Brown had invented a time machine, traveled back to 2011, and un-picked up trash for 123 hours.

Although the corrections office of the Richmond, VA police department accepted supervision of Chris Brown, "no one from that Department ever approved, scheduled, supervised, monitored, or verified any of the community labor reported to this Court." In other words, every once in a while, Chris Brown would inform the police that he had performed some community service, and the police would write that down.

According to the police documentation, Chris Brown completed more than 500 hours of community service at the Tappahannock Children's Center (where his mother used to serve as director), located an hour outside of Brown's Richmond "community."

Brown's set-up at the children's center can best described as "Shoemaker and the Elves"-esque: all his work stripping, cleaning, and waxing the floors was allegedly performed after hours, under the supervision of his mother, who would let him in with her old set of keys.

Ida Minter, the Center's new director, told investigators that every once in a while she would arrive at work to discover the floors had been magically cleaned, stripped, and waxed by a terrifying, angry elf. On these occasions, she would cancel the regularly scheduled floor maintenance, but pay the maintenance man anyway.

The maintenance man told investigators that the floors had never been cleaned by anyone other than him, and that he never accepted payment for work he didn't perform. He says that the director never canceled regularly scheduled floor maintenance.

Then this:

Shortly after speaking with the Investigators, [the maintenance man] was contacted by Ms. Minter. Ms. Minter attempted to tell him how to answer questions the Investigators may have about the Defendant's work at the center. He told Ms. Minter he would not lie to anyone about anything.

When Chris Brown wasn't not-working at the Children's center, he was not-working in "various alleys" around Richmond. According to the police department, the specific locations of Brown's community service work were not recorded due to "intense media interest."

In a letter dated September 14, 2012, Chief Bryan Norwood of the Richmond police signed a letter stating that, as of August 24, Chris Brown had completed 202 days (1616 hours) of labor. Brown's official spreadsheets claim only 162 days (1402 hours) of labor.

Even if it were reliable, the spreadsheet does not satisfy the Court ordered 180 days, or 1440 hours, of community labor.

The District Attorney's document ends with a catalogue of all the other bad things Chris Brown has done while on probation, including (BUT NOT LIMITED TO):

Beating a man in a parking lot

Stealing a fan's phone when she tried to take his picture

Throwing a chair through a glass window while being interviewed for a Good Morning America segment.