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September 21, 2014

Uncharted: Myths and Realities of Being Older--Welcome to Senior Life, 2014

This series about senior living examines some myths
and realities of being an older American. Huge assumptions exist about older
adults and the marketplace spoon-feeds these misconceptions to the public
in a round robin of marketing. Many don't want to be identified as grandparents and prefer a more hip and catchy title.The reality of being older is that most
seniors aren't your "grandpa/grandma stereotype any more" and if
that's your perception, then you need to get out among real people.

Today, my house at the FoM smells like blueberry crumb muffins. Tart and sweet
and -- is "warm" ever a smell? If you were here, Babies, we would share
muffins and peach tea and talk about life and forms of it that we seniors must
pass by/through/around until we don't anymore.

During my year in a senior community, I respected my neighbors' privacy and
didn't include daily life in the blog, but they knew I was a
writer. During that year, besides my usual creative writing and poetry
classes, I designed and taught a large class in the Ethics of Aging
at OLLI. My neighbors, my students and my community included
people from all over the world. Human proclivities being what they are across
the age spectrum, I learned volumes about getting/being older in
America. The scope of this blog series has been extended to
"universal experience." Welcome to 2017 Senior Living.

Are seniors a viable market for all these "recapture youth"
products? They have the funds to be a force in the marketplace and their ranks
grow every day when Boomers retire. Many buy into the notion of fashion as
their identity. All ages may have a difficult time accepting that bodies age
while our perceptions and awareness may not keep up. This rests at the bottom
of many conflicts between generations. Meanwhile, the
marketplace continues to market to both.

There is a certain segment of the senior population who are forever 15 or 20 in
their perception and self-awareness. They got stuck at that "certain
age." [This notion may explain much behavior as we explore different
areas.] They may shop on home shopping channels and continuously for
"sales." Not all seniors who shop this way are 'stuck' but some
are. Many seniors prefer to shop only when necessary for things they need.
People can use only so much "stuff." Most seniors are downsizing and
simplifying their lives. However, seniors with few constructive or creative outlets
may shop for entertainment as a hedge against boredom. Did that sixty-something
man just whiz by in a new Sapphire Blue Lexus sports convertible?

Some who buy into the Marketplace of Forever Young give a different reason than
staying young: they are trying to relate to their great-grandchildren by
dressing, behaving and following celebrities as though they share the same age
and interests. That senior knows the lyrics to the latest pop music, the latest
pop-culture reality star and takes that smart phone even to the bathroom. This phenomenon occurs in both older men and women. In
this upside down relationship, both generations lose.

A certain segment of the population have health issues that interfere with
their decisions and interactions with the marketplace. They fall victim to the
bottom feeders who prey on them at every opportunity. Oh, those people didn't
go away but became more sophisticated with their schemes. Telemarketers,
sweepstakes, pigeon drop, home improvement and Internet "make
easy money at home" scams are alive and well. They may contact seniors at
any time and neither fear nor respect No Call lists or rules. Sharks swarm when
they smell fresh bait.

Another group of unlikely shoppers are ladies of a certain age (over 50 and up
to 94--seriously) who copy trends: miniskirts are unbecoming on these ladies,
for example, with deep red lipstick, straw-colored, big-hair and long deep-red,
gelled nails and toes. Fishnet tights disappearing into strappy gold sandals
neither flatter those ancient legs nor make the miniskirt okay. "The Big
Barbie Look" may have 'killed' in her youth but now? Not so
much.

Many senior women wear all their jewelry all the time like an older version of
"Freda Got Rocks." They're afraid of losing it, having their children
take it or that a thief will steal it. Some wear their jewelry all the
time because they decide if not now, when? When they were younger, their
jewelry may have reflected their cultural status that was part of their
identity.

And, identity is at the root of the marketing, shopping and seemingly aberrant
behaviors seniors may display. To a person, no matter how old one becomes, a
tiny part of our personality remains young. It laughs, cries and wants
closeness with other humans; it wants to belong. This part of be-ing appeared
early as impulse and in most of us, it is the last part to recede. That tiny
spark that gives voice to impulse is sometimes the only connection to earlier
times that a senior may have left.

Seniors are complicated beings and their be-ing is complex. There is a tendency
to whitewash, to discount, to homogenize senior life and to group them under
one umbrella as "the elderly." Whenever society does this to any
group of people, the result is demoralizing and pejorative.
The marketplace sees "the elderly" as a demographic with triple
dollar signs instead of faces. Yes, seniors can make wrong decisions about
purchases in an attempt to recapture some vestige of youth. When they
look in the mirror at a face that doesn't match the one in their spirit, the seduction
of youth is hard to evade.

~~~~

Celebs Demand a Cure for Aging!

Aging in itself is not a disease. Many young (and
older) professionals and people with high media profiles declare that
aging needs "a cure" like Alzheimer's and other neurological
diseases. Diabetes, neurological impairments, cancers, viruses and
bacterial diseases don't exclude the young. Shouldn't the world's finite
research funds and efforts go to real diseases with a definite clinical pathology? Headline: Research closes in on cure for aging. Really?
How will that go down, exactly?

As we get older, joints are not as nimble, vital organs have wear or
trauma and we may not move with as much speed as our younger selves, but these
circumstances are not specifically "disease." Many younger
researchers insist that a cure for aging can be found with enough public,
government, foundation funded grants (hmm) and public awareness. The newest
version of a cure: Botox. Men and women (I could name names) subject themselves
to the danger of medical-grade venom in an effort to erase lines temporarily in
their faces and other body parts (!?). The injections paralyze nerves and
healthy cells become perfect -- never
changing -- before they die off and the process must be
repeated. Are we back to the Marketplace again? What's for sale here?

So far this year, friends and their families (my Peeps) have encountered the
trauma of losing family members, lymphoma, kidney disease, multiple myeloma,
head trauma, cataract surgery, viruses, strep, staph, shattered bones, lung infections, melanoma,
Legionnaire's Disease, COPD, heart valve concerns, aneurysms, angioplasty,
prostate cancer, breast cancer, lung cancer and bone cancer. Whew -- and I'm
certain I left some out. When I throw in my knee reconstruction
and ongoing battle with Crohn's Disease, this list seems overwhelming --
but not one of these diseases or impairments is a direct result of aging. My
friends are people of all ages and illness is not confined to seniors.

Society has a tendency to replace a senior's identity with whatever illness is
active in their body -- so, "Melinda" becomes "that lady with an
aneurysm" or "George is that man with prostate cancer" (and we certainly can't talk about that!). Seniors often have a harder time than younger people with
similar illnesses because their family and medicos may only focus on
the disease and the senior has little voice in the matter. When this happens,
the real identity, the real person recedes. I have heard many women declare,
"I am not my cancer." This response is healthy on so many levels.

If the upcoming good minds stay obsessed with aging as a disease, how will they
understand the value of life experience? Some seniors never accept the
natural cycle of life and the dynamic duo of dread and denial shields
them. A ninety-year old with a broken bone who refuses pain medication because she must be tough hugely reduces her chance of recovery when she can't get out of bed for physical therapy -- Denial at its most damaging. Most of us who have survived to senior status have learned to meet
life's challenges with a grain of integrity and the faintest suggestion of
dignity. While this is not impossible, it's not an easy task.

Although only other seniors seem to understand the dynamics of being older,
seniors can mature like fine wine or even a rich vinegar, or not. Collectors
invest in wine, olive oils, balsamic vinegars, vintage cars and books, antiques
of all types, old paintings, but how much value, how much respect do seniors
rate in the community, among their families and society in general?

Not as much as you think.

~~~~

Wobbling Gyroscopes

Years ago, Flip Wilson, gifted, hilarious and ahead of
his time, portrayed an irreverent reverend who said, (I'm
paraphrasing here) that Change in the service makes him nervous. Change
comes in many forms: monetary, location, family status, personal status, health
status--just to name a few. Change can be planned or not; it unsettles
everything either way. Across the board, change makes seniors nervous. Change
wobbles our internal gyroscopes and most of us work at keeping our lives
balanced. Some do this more constructively than others do.

Here at FoM, my 23rd residence as an adult, month two sneaked in. A
manuscript, a basket for its edited/printed pages, large appointment and
address books, computer, printer with required wiring and maps -- lots of maps
-- cover my desk. I still don't have my internal map in place. One-way streets,
unanticipated street-name changes at angular intersections, road construction,
and winding roads that suddenly open onto a broad valley community or quickly wind through deep woods all challenge my navigation skills. I've been lost and
frustrated but haven't quit yet. I always have plan or two. I finally got a
county map -- not as easy as you might think -- from a vendor in another state
and a GPS that doesn't acknowledge road construction. I am now armed
with the county map, a metro map, the GPS, Google Earth photos, Google
directions and maps. Babies, I'm only lacking one of those pith helmets, khaki
tropical gear and binoculars around my neck to be a total cliché.
Hilarious in any location.

It’s never funny when we hear of a senior who has fallen. "Emma" fell
and broke her hip but the truth may be that Emma's hip broke and she fell.
Falls are difficult for older people to endure and recovery may be slow.
Seniors are not always mindful or careful with their physical movements. Some
climb ladders, up on chairs and stubbornly refuse to admit
any vulnerability.

"I am fine and I'm not too old to do_____. Get out of my way."

Some seniors move too quickly, get up from a chair or out of bed with undue haste
or insist that they "will take a bath when I please." Many times
Rescue must get them out of the tub, transport them when they've slipped in the
tub, fallen off the ladder or simply stepped off the curb and fallen
face-first. Mindfulness is not a natural factor in seniors; it must be learned
and integrated into all that we do. Many older people think on some level that
pride is their last refuge and refuse to slow down or to accept any change in
their habits. The frequency of senior distress has become a joke: "I've
fallen and I can't get up." and an industry has popped up to offer
communication monitoring for emergencies. Another change for older people to
overcome is being alone and immobile.

A less well-known way seniors cope with change is with immoderate drinking.
Life brings surprises and disappointments and hey, a little wine before dinner,
with dinner, after dinner, or any time sounds like a good idea to many. How
about a hard lemonade with lunch, too? This may sound far-fetched to many of
you who have different visions of Gramps or Gran. For those of us immersed in
that population group, it's common. Many restaurants in an area with a large
population of retirees begin Happy Hour at 11 a.m. Mix in a few prescriptions
and voila, a retiree with intensified vulnerability to falls and to
poor judgment. When people drink excessively, different behaviors emerge and
it's not always pretty. Bones, friendships and decorum may be damaged.

When I started this series, I cautioned that we would get into some sensitive
areas and dealing with change is one of those. The day to day life of seniors
is not always rosy and pink. The myth is that older folks are wise,
without a care in the world and happy to be out of the rat race or whatever
occupied their lives over time. Nothing could be farther from reality in many
instances. Life for seniors in 2014 is not the 1950s.

Mostly, seniors find little hilarity in their struggles with change. A real
danger with change is being unbalanced -- physically or psychologically. Many
seniors respond to change with depression, anger or big personality swings.
Being hospitalized for depression is increasingly common among older people.
Isolation, illness and loss are common changes seniors may face. The emotional
world of seniors is a different post, and if you are a senior with a wonderful
life, enjoy! Many seniors have lives with joy and meaning and your section in
this series will come later.

I hear the 10:40 train whistle and the Fed Ex cargo plane climbs into the night
sky right on schedule. Life around the Mountain never sleeps.

~~~~

Here’s
to all the Mean Girls

Newcomers who move into a population of seniors or become
involved in organized senior activities may be surprised by who else shows up.
I was. Oh, I'm not an innocent: I've worked in, volunteered in, lived in,
served in and left behind many settings where politics flourished, thrived and
ran wild. Few men I've met over my lifetime, although a few bullies come close,
approach the petty behavior of Mean Girls. Rewind to cliques and Mean
Girls who grew taller, better dressed and older, but Babies, they didn't grow
up. And, they take us seniors back to the seventh grade. I wasn't a
casualty but always a camera-like observer: click, click.

A few weeks ago, I read a forty-something's account of seventh-grade terrors
with real anguish, still. Twenty years after my own gauntlet-run through junior
high, my seventh grade students modeled the same vicious, hormone-driven,
girl-zilla behaviors. Cliques ruled and for an insecure girl to be
"included" into that exclusivity: "We're cool, we're in and
you're not," becoming a Mean Girl was a small price to pay. The taunts,
insults and exclusion they served up made the seventh grade more traumatic than
any school-related changes.

As we grew older, most of us forgot the small and spiteful behaviors that
tarnished seventh grade. But for people who find themselves in a population of
older folks, seventh grade may quickly return where and when we least expect
it. Perhaps, "Mindy" or "Angela" may be pleasant and
friendly at first meeting. She's full of compliments, shares details of her
life and exhibits impeccable manners. However, the next time your path
crosses Mindy or Angela's, her clique of women who insulate each
other from you, the world and reality may materialize. The outsider has hit the
impenetrable wall of the Mean Girls.

Mean Girls appraise other women's attire, jewelry, appearance, marital status,
behavior, attitudes, food choices, hair color -- everything and anything they
see -- and make no pretense that their assessment is binding. They close ranks,
protect each other and make it plain that they rule the turf, the meeting, the
protocol, the event, the organization, the house, the room, the roof and every
one's opinion. Men are exempt from their pettiness. Other women who may be
useful to the Mean Girls are also tolerated in the short run.

One of the most difficult parts of getting older is the many losses seniors
rack up as facets of our lives change; we must reboot, regroup and rebuild. We
may be adrift or storm-tossed and just when we see friendly faces and hope for
a life preserver? One may come our way but it's not attached to
anything.

Mean Girls will:

Occupy
a table or a row in a crowded area with empty seats and turn others
away without hesitation.

Run
her electric wheelchair into anyone without regard.

Back
her scooter over nearby feet while she juggles a cigarette in one hand and
her oxygen cord entangles the other one.

Will
never miss an opportunity to perceive a slight or to register the smallest
grievance.

Must
be the center of attention.

And,
one of my favorites: Are masterful at the art of freezing out anyone they
may dislike for any reason. See slights above.

When I began this series, I intended to tell the little
known side of senior life. Those who still have a spouse or reside with other
relatives may only encounter this type of behavior in the community, if at all.
But when seniors live in close proximity, family connections aren't there to
buffer personalities and differences. This installment in particular has
given me pause and I thought long and hard about not posting it. Many
seniors may find that senior communities, senior activities and senior
organizations are not warm and fuzzy places.

So here I am in another new area, with another new
beginning and with another new life to build. Volunteering waits on my horizon,
organizations I may join remain undiscovered and new ventures I may create will
pop up.

Will I encounter Mean Girls again? Of course. The
antidote for Mean Girls hasn't changed since the seventh grade: Keep be-ing,
keep a healthy distance, keep smiling, keep moving into the sunlight and most
importantly, let your life speak for you.

Click, click.

~

~~~

Sex and the Senior

Once upon a time in the seventh grade
(yes, we're back there), boys and girls were curious about each other and
raging hormones were in play. Fast forward through marriages, children,
careers, divorces, illnesses, losses and aging, et al. The hormones no longer
rage, but some women and many more men entertain illusions, harbor delusions
and jump to conclusions in the area of interpersonal relations just like junior
high kids. Pharmacology has stepped up to replace those adolescent hormones and seniors are the main target market. When all those elements meld, Babies, it's not a pretty thing. The
toxic mix becomes about the senior holding on to delusions of youth and/or
promoting a personal agenda. The cliché of being neither a nurse nor a purse has
validity and older folks of either gender can be targeted. Life as a senior in
2014 isn't the one Boomers' grandparents lived.

Younger people like to believe that
folks over sixty, or horrors! seventy and older, are beyond sex and its
complexities. They operate on the myth
of re-virgin-ing: their older relatives just couldn't be
sexual beings -- and oh, good grief, not now! It's the Goldilocks phenomenon:
sexuality is limited to people their own age, whatever that may be, and that's
"not too young, not too old, but just right." People under fifty have
this view of relatives and older people in general: Gram has returned to maidenhood and Gramps sits in
contented contemplation of the good life he enjoyed. Really? Well, not so
much.

Truth be told about seniors and sex? If a couple has
enjoyed a long or a short marriage, they retain or entertain an intimacy, a
closeness that holds precise meaning for their generation. One spouse may
be clingy and dependent on the other in later life. Illness and the realization
of time's fleet feet may contribute to that duo. When a spouse is not
emotionally mature, jealousy may lurk in the corner and flare up like those
seventh grade insecurities, again. Domestic violence is uncommon but not an
uncharted course. Declining cognitive abilities and jealousy make poor
companions.

New friendships between a couple and a single are strictly off
limits. The clear message here? If you're an older single man or woman,
stick to your own kind. Ridicule, harassment and blatant dismissal may be in
store for singles who try to break this taboo. An insecure eighty-five-year-old
woman jealously defending territory that isn't in jeopardy suffers despair that
cannot be quelled. Occasionally, couples dress in matching clothes just like
junior high "going-steadys." Because the ratio of women to men is
high, segregation by marital status is the norm. "The widow's
table" is common at senior gatherings. Single men are more welcome around
couples than single women. New widows often turn to those single men for
comfort and attention and because some women like to take care of a man. They
make no apologies for it.

Haven't seen an older lifelong-womanizer
in action? They're obnoxious (like seventh graders) and deluded. This is The
Alpha Honey Bee who wishes to pollinate as many flowers as he
can. In general, these men maintain that women yearn for their attention
and welcome it. The AHB has been a cheater all his life and why stop now? The
AHB flies into the middle of wherever seniors gather, doesn't take no for an
answer without vehement rejection and hovers as long as he has an audience. The
AHB often mistakes a friendly hello and a pleasant smile for
an invitation. Online dating sites for seniors are numerous and
popular, especially with married men! Is it a coincidence that the highest rate
of divorce by age group is now among people over sixty?

On the other side, older women who stalk
men (like seventh grade girls with a cell phone) are not rare anymore. Women
are comfortable initiating assignations and men are receptive. These women
channel Mae West and have no issues with inviting a man to their place, taking
him home for the evening and breakfast. Everyone knows the score up front. Senior women often present
themselves as the age they can re-create and aim to date younger men. Many
women can't keep their hands off a man -- they fix his collar, stroke his face,
touch his arm and compliment him incessantly. Other women aren't so subtle.
The resistant male recipient of those attentions can only seek refuge
within a group where he feels safe.

Many senior women enjoy inveterate flirting whether they're married or single.
Some men like that too and as long as everyone understands the playbill, no one
gets hurt. Like their junior high school counterparts,
seniors can participate in public displays of affection and embarrass
themselves. Seriously. Add a bit of vino and kapow! Love, or something that
passes for it, is in the air. Their children protest and usually prevail but
not always. Sometimes it really is love.

Besides the myth that older people are asexual, too many older folks think that
he/she is the only exception to the myth. This is not a myth but a sobering and
dangerous fact of life: STDs are prevalent among seniors, especially men. CDC
statistics for 2012 show that almost 700 per 100,000 people over 65 were
infected with STDs. Those don't proliferate through the
Internet.

I think that the hardest part of aging for seniors is knowing which behavioral
bridges to burn and which ones to keep. Those who haven't made peace with their
mortality no longer build new bridges but seem stuck in a behavioral cloverleaf
pattern. They struggle with declining health while their inner person still
feels young. They become willing to risk ridicule to have someone to love and
to love them, just like seventh graders. What can be more human than that?

~~~~

Circle Closings

The sky today at FoM brings thick spiraling clouds and
oppressive humidity that demands its due. Storms rattled the night but are
quiet now. Poplar and sweet gum leaves twitter without real movement and yield
no breeze. Young and old line up around the pool deck like herring drying
dockside and hope to refresh their fading summer tan with filtered sun. To
paraphrase Willie's little phrase: Vanity thy name is a great tan.

Older people are not immune to this fallacy and many sun worshipers who make it
to senior status find out way more than they wish to know about the varied
types of skin cancer. A tan should rightly be called A Toast. And how much toast did you get today? Oh, your toast
is so becoming; it makes you look younger. Unfortunately, vanity often
triumphs. Florida's bright sunlight contributes to an alarming amount of skin
cancer. Natives and long time residents do not want a tan -- you know them by
their pale apparitions and long sleeves.
Here at FoM and in the River City by the Sea, 'toasting' in the sun hasn't lost
its appeal to women or to men seniors. In February, a neighbor toasted herself
everyday as she always had. In April, melanoma appeared in spite of her big
floppy hat and by June, she was gone. This phenomenon happens over and
over again with seniors. I happened to hear the neighbors talk of this once
vibrant and endearing lady while they sunned themselves. Ironic. Sixty-, even
ninety-somethings seeking that bronze veneer of their youth: a healthy glow?
When I moved to the retirement community in 2013, an infant chameleon somehow
backpacked on my move. I wrote about him in the blog but never found him again.
When I moved to FoM, the movers carried out my office bookcases and revealed
the little chameleon, a crispy critter. These little creatures often hide and
meet their end that way. So many times we think our choices are wise but the
laws of the universe win out. Seniors can be like the very young and think
their choices don't mean much on any given day. Like with the young, seniors'
choices can become patterns and habits that acquire a life of their own.
I must rely on Willie again to end this post:
"All the world's a stage, /And all the men and women merely players/
They have their exits and their
entrances...."
Writers and readers often question whether life imitates art or is it the other
way around? Some seniors act out their life like a play while others let life
open before them in a free fall of freedom.

~~~~

Uptown Seniors

Sunday
at FoM began cloudy, turned tropical with hard, blowing rain from the NE then
the SW and now, clear sunny skies. As I write this, thunder curls around the
mountain.

Today, I'll examine a more common myth about seniors -- that we are finished,
boring, washed up, old, decrepit, kaput, ridiculous, have nothing left, and
expect younger generations to care for us in our dotage. Many even see us a
drain on resources of all kinds. I don't know about you Babies, but I don't
count myself in that group and neither do older people who are special tome.
Exceptions among my senior friends on any given day include:

Writing students aged
sixty through early nineties whose projects include literary fiction,
nonfiction, self-help books, poetry, historical fiction,
children's books, short stories, general fiction and humor. Many have
published since we worked together in late 2013. Others have expanded into
blogging.

Volunteers at local
hospitals or international programs who do that quietly after a long career in
medicine or accounting or teaching and may serve well into their eighties at
their own expense.

Guardian ad litems who
volunteer tirelessly in thankless and difficult circumstances without any
assured success.

Speakers who are
successful and active Toastmasters.

One special volunteer
uses Toastmaster skills to speak about Hospice to organizations and groups.

Volunteers who teach
English as a Second Language.

Volunteers who teach
other seniors yoga, or Tai Chi, or a hundred other classes.

Stephen Ministers who
walk with others in spiritual crisis.

Several who remain
employed as counselors.

Volunteers in Senior
Centers or at OLLIs around the country.

Volunteers in Scouting
as administrators or with their grandchildren.

Volunteers in animal
shelters or animal rescue programs.

Volunteers on crisis
management teams.

Volunteers with
Meals on Wheels.

Volunteers in the arts
as performers or administrative support.

Grandparents who
strive to give structure, time and caring to grandchildren and other
relatives.

Neighbors who help
other neighbors and friends with transportation, fresh garden veggies, homemade
meals, emotional support and serve others in so many quiet ways.

A talented lady who
discovered that she can paint and one of her paintings hangs over my desk. She called it
"Being."

Many who take classes
at OLLIs around the country year round.

Teaching scuba diving.

Leading special
interest groups for other seniors.

Volunteers who do the
thousand little jobs that must be done to make bigger projects work.

Mentoring new high
school sports referees.

Hiking the
Appalachians and the Colorado Rockies.

These
remarkable people aren't out of a book or a movie or fabricated. I don't name
them to protect their privacy but they are irreplaceable people in my life.
Given this broad spectrum of interests and activities (I'm sure I've forgotten
some), what could they have in common?

Each
one of them has integrity, purpose, curiosity and serious intention to make
their little corner of the world better in quiet, unique ways. None of them
think the world is about them but I do. I think the people I've written about
here leave their footprints everywhere they go.

When
we were little kids, didn't we all want to grow up and be someone special? When
people buy into the myths about being older, they don't know of people like
these who are rare and not likely to be equaled by the next generation.

~~~~

For the past five years, instead of
college students of all ages, seniors of all descriptions surrounded me in
different settings and situations and I learned and learned. In my own life,
married and single people of both genders are long time friends, my
"Peeps." Most seniors function as complicated, private
be-ings who integrate mature life adjustments and that's not a myth.

Seniors are just like any other ages --
they like to laugh, to dance, to celebrate and to be valued. If they become
stereotypes, they don't know it. I haven't given
away any secrets that were shared with me although there were many. My
immersion in senior life was educational and poignant and I came away with
a new perspective.

I know that the subject matter of this series may seem harsh, too realistic and not for the faint of heart. I get that. My intention is to dispel some of the inaccurate assumptions and attitudes about seniors. Real life is messy. In spite of what their children and society in general may think, seniors have multi-dimensional personalities, make good and bad choices and many have a "I'll do (say or think) as I damn well please now--I am old." attitude. A resounding "I don't have to be nice now," said with resolve, may become their go-to comment. I did and do hear that over and over. The good, bad and the ugly showed up here, and sometimes, was disturbing or unpleasant. Eventually, I hope a more complex view of senior living emerged. You'd think I'd sold out if I didn't tell the whole truth, wouldn't you, Babies?