18. Man Up

“Michelle you have to go.” I stepped to the side just as Michelle came flying out of the house. Jared was right behind her. His eyes went wide as he saw me.

“Jared?” I asked as tears filled my eyes and I couldn’t stop them from falling.

“Ryan no.” He said putting his hands up. “She came here all by herself. I didn’t invite her over.”

“I gave you everything, Jared.” I whispered.

“And I’m glad you did. Nothing happened Ryan! I promise.” He said as he got closer. “Please believe me.” He put his hands down in defeat. He walked closer and once he got close enough I fell into his arms. I heard Michelles car speed away.

“I gave you everything.” I whispered again.

“Its okay to be sad.” That would be our way of saying forever. Everyone had a way. Either saying ‘I love you’ or ‘okay’. Ours was ‘its okay to be sad.’

“Its okay to cry.” I answered.

“She came here. I didn’t invite her over. I promise.” He said as he ran a hand through my hair.

“What are we gonna do?” I asked.

“About what?” He asked.

“Well, every time I’m upset you buy me ice cream but I like other food too.” He smirked and laughed at me.

“I thought you meant about her.” He said as he walked with me in his arms inside.

“That too.” I answered. I wasn’t really sure what we were going to do. If he was telling the truth, we had to do something about it because I wasn’t going to be a second choice. You either choose me, or lose me. “Jared, I’m not going to stick around waiting for you just because you know I will always come back. Stop talking to her.” I said as we sat down on the couch. “You’re mine. I don’t like sharing.” He should have known that by now.

“She had a miscarriage.” He blurted out.

“Was it your baby?” I whispered.

“I hope not.” He whispered back. I hugged him. Even if it was his baby, or it wasn’t, I would never wish that on anyone. I would also never wish for someone to get pregnant in the first place. “Even if it was, I would never wish that on her.” He whispered.

“Neither would I.” I said back. We sat on the living room floor playing video games. “Do you want to talk about it?” He sighed more than once.

“What if it was my baby?” He asked and sighed again. I wasn’t sure what to say. I wasn’t sure how to comfort him because I had personally never gone through a miscarriage and I hope I never do. “It wasn’t just her baby, it was someone else’s too.” He commented.

“I know how it works.” I said to him. This is the only time I was willing to talk about it with him. “Jared, I’m not sure how what to tell you because this had never happened to me. But something better was planned for that baby. For you and for Michelle. Those plans did not involve a baby at sixteen. I can assure you that. And I’m sorry if that was your baby I don’t wish that on you or her. I can tell you that I will be here for you when you need me. I will also understand if you need some space along sometimes.” I wasn’t finished and he kept quiet knowing I had more to say. “But please, do not push me away. Because I won’t stop trying. I’m always going to call and text you and maybe even show up at your house. So even if you tried, you couldn’t.” I heard him laugh and I turned around to face him.

“No way am I going to lose you again.” He said holding my face in his hands. He stopped talking for a while. I didn’t say anything. “What do you think its like?” He asked. I was confused. If he was talking about having a miscarriage I wouldn’t know.

“What’s what like?” I asked.

“Heaven. Do you believe in it?” He asked.

“I believe we go somewhere after we die and its some place beautiful and better than this life. I don’t know what its called and I don’t know if its heaven.” I answered.

“Do you think he or she is okay?” He asked.

“Jared, whoever is up there, will care for him or her. Your grandfathers got him.” I answered.

“You think it was a boy?” He asked.

“I was hoping you would have a little boy. Little girls won’t do you any good.” I answered. He laughed. I smiled at him.

“No child does me any good.” He answered.

“Not at sixteen it doesn’t.” I said.

“I’m sorry.” He finally said after a few minutes.

“Sorry for what?” I asked confused.

“Well for hurting you, more than once. But for everything. Any pain you have ever felt not just because of me but because of someone else. I know I didn’t cause that pain but no one should ever feel pain and not get an apology for it.” I was not sure where he was right now because it wasn’t with me.

“What has gotten into you?” I asked.

“Ryan, that baby was mine I just have this feeling.” He answered looking out the window behind me. There was one window that was all glass and touched the floor. He looked out into the field of trees and grass.

“I’m sorry you never got to meet him. Or hold him.” I said as I held him. I felt his hand on my stomach. “Or get to feel him kick.” I said as I looked down at his hand. I lifted my shirt and he placed his hand there again. It was warm. Warmer than it usually is. I looked up at him and he looked up at me. There were tears in his eyes as he his turned bluer in front of mine. “I’m sorry.” I whispered as I rubbed my hand over his cheeks. “Someday you will have a rainbow. And not in the sky. A baby rainbow.” I said.

“What’s a baby rainbow?” He asked.

“Its a baby that was born after losing one. I could be years or it could be a few months. Its still a rainbow. Because in order for a rainbow, there has to be rain.” I answered. He ran a hand through my hair.

“Remember when you told me you loved me?” He asked. I felt my cheeks turn red and my face and hands became very hot. I nodded my head. “Well I love you too.” He smiled at me. I looked up at him and smiled. I haven’t been this happy in a long time. I don’t usually put all of my happiness into one person because I knew eventually they were going to leave but this, this was different.

*FEW DAYS LATER*

“This is different.” I said to Selena as she flipped out about Jared.

“How is this different from the other guys you have liked?” She asked.

“Because this one likes me back. And…” I trailed off.

“And what?” I raised my eyebrows at her. Hers went up too. “What?” I nodded my head. “You fucked him?!” She shouted as we were sitting in her room.

“Shhh!” I quieted her down. “And no we didn’t fuck! We made love!” I said. There was a difference between making love, having sex and fucking. They were all different in their own special way.

“What was it like?” She asked.

“He made it so special. I felt like the only person he had ever loved before. I felt like he hadn’t been with other girls and he didn’t break my heart.” I answered her.

“I meant the sex.” I rolled my eyes.

“Why don’t you just have sex then?” I said. I felt like every time I talked to her she was begging me to tell her everything that me and Jared did. From cuddling right down the make out sessions. It was weird.

“Jared got any cute friends he can hook me up with?” She asked.

“Not sure.” I shrugged as he texted me telling me he was picking me up soon. “He’s on his way though.” I said just as I heard his car horn from outside. “Or he’s already here.” I laughed grabbing my bag before hugging her and leaving. “Thanks for saving me.” I said kissing him as I got in the car. He didn’t say anything to me. “Are you okay?” I asked.

“Its Michelle.” Was all he said.

“Okay? What about her?” I asked.

“She wants to fuck so she can get pregnant again.” I was shocked. I’m surprised that’s what was going to come out of his mouth.

“Uh, why did she ask you?” I asked.

“I’m the only one she has had sex with.” He said.

“That’s bullshit! She’s been with a ton of guys since we were in eighth grade! I’m sure she has fucked plenty of guys and more than one guy at our school is willing to fuck her.” I said.

“Ryan please-”

“Do not ‘Ryan please’ me. You are my boyfriend and I am not willing to let you sleep with someone else just because she wants to have the baby that she lost. It doesn’t work that way! I’m not going to let you and her drag me around like a rag doll! Do you want to be with me or not?!” I asked him afraid of the answer.