[THE WEEKLY READ]
Calm Down, Miguel

I could pile on and lecture you on why it’s not a good idea to leap into the air in airtight pants and putting innocent white women at risk, but you seem to acknowledge that imitating Hulk Hogan is not the best move for you.

As you explained to Billboard: “Well, I think it’s kind of clear what happened. But I’m very happy to bring my new friend, Khyati, we just met. Unfortunately we did not meet under the best circumstances, but I think we’re okay. The crazy thing is, when you’re performing and you’re just kind of into it, you never know where it’s gonna go and where you’re gonna go with it, and how that might turn out. So this is one of the less favorable moments. Got caught up in the moment, thank goodness Khyati is okay.”

I’m glad you and that girl whose neck almost got snapped courtesy of your thighs made nice. Nevertheless, my concern for your stage act goes beyond the 2013 Billboard Music Awards. You’ve been doing the absolute most for a while now. It’s time someone pulls you to the side and say, “That ain’t it.”

A few months ago I saw video of you on stage hitting the saddest, most overcompensating stroke I’ve seen since middle school. It reminded me of how some dudes who just learned what an erection was would act while waiting for the bus to take their bad asses home. They’d be humping around like a sugar-rushed sucker, trying their damndest to impress people and looking like a damn fool in the process. Do you see where I’m going with this?

And dude, last week I saw a clip of you sitting on stage holding the microphone between your legs and simulating masturbation. As a man with needs not always met and a fan of T-Boz’s short lived solo career, I agree that there ain’t nothing wrong with making it feel good. However, I assume most people in attendance for that show wanted to hear you sing into the mic versus using it to stroke your metaphorical ego.

Between that nonsense and the leg drop of doom you showed the world on Sunday night, you’re out here looking like a cross between Bobby Brown and Chun Li. Man, you don’t have to do all of that.

This Sunday wasn’t the first time you tried to fly. Again, please stop the madness before someone gets hurt — you included. As for this sexy man bit, can you explain to me what’s going on? Are you doing this to quell rumors that you’re more into pinning the tail on the donkey than deep sea diving?

Listen, guy, I’ve heard a few of your interviewsand you clearly appeared bothered that people judged you by the “weird” clothes you wore when you first made your way on the scene. What kills me about that, though, is for someone who undoubtedly looks to Prince as an influence, you don’t shrug off such chatter. Prince went on dates with Appolonia while wearing the red pumps he took back from Vanity.

Need I say more?

You’re too talented to be serving peep show realness on stage. Likewise, you needn’t leapfrog during your sets either. You don't have anything to prove, just be you: the Bilingual Frankie Lymon.

Before you even think it, I’ve purchased both of your albums. I like you lots and only want the best for you. I just think you could stand to lower that libido a bit and keep those lil’ legs of yours on the ground sometimes.

Oh and can you perform “Kaleidoscope Dream” or “Drugs” more? We've all been "Adorn"-ed. Time for something else.Thanks, Michael in Español. PS: please don't dropkick me.

Michael Arceneaux is the author of the “The Weekly Read,” where tough love is served with just a touch of shade. Tweet him at @youngsinick.

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