Opinion: Shocking Secrets of Congressional Conservatives

Presenting the revelations of a salacious, stunning, and completely fictitious investigation into the personal habits of conservatives in the Senate and the House.

Data never dies. No matter what information appears in print, email, text message, audio, or video, there is a record of it somewhere. In assessing those piles of files, it is evident that people who perform in Washington, D.C., have one thing in common: prevarication. In just one quick session of screening video files from The Hill, you could see the following:

* Tobacco company execs swearing no knowledge of nicotine addiction from their products.

* Oil and gas company execs swearing no knowledge of how their companies pollute the air, the groundwater, and the ocean.

* Republican Party representatives swearing no knowledge of the treasonous practices of their organization.

Come with me now as we play back a conversation between a Conservative Unapologetic Republican and a Free Independent Thinker:

CUR: Whew, congressional hearings are exhausting.

FIT: Especially when you have to keep denying and lying.

CUR: I beg your pardon?

FIT: You denied knowing what your party is doing, which is either a lie or you are incompetent.

CUR: No, no, no, I merely stated that, to the best of my understanding, at the end of the day, to make this perfectly clear, the practices of the party members are, when all is said and done, and putting it in terms that each and every American can–

FIT: Never mind.

Big Data is Watching You

If it’s true that all conversations in Washington are monitored, the following two statements would be recorded every week:

(1) “If you say the Washington Monument is a phallic symbol it’s because you’re envious.”

(2) “Be careful with political labels — some people get called ‘conservative’ when actually they’re just stupid.”

There is often a mixture of truth and fiction in the info, as you can plainly see from the following real-life conversation that I just made up:

“That’s a statue of Abraham Lincoln, son. It’s called the Lincoln Memorial.”

“Was he as big as that?”

“No, he wasn’t that large in real life. You saw the movie, Lincoln, so you know he was tall but still normal size.”

“That guy was intense.”

“Well, son, the actor playing Lincoln sure was, but the real Lincoln probably wasn’t that intense.”

“How do you know, dad?”

“Because nobody in real life is that intense.”

Eye Spy

While we’re on the topic of eavesdropping, let us examine an organization that is always lurking in the shadows: the Domestic Security Agency, a real-sounding organization that, if it existed, would view the activities of all Americans, including Senators and Congresscritters. The DSA would monitor emails, phone calls, mail, memos, online purchases, online searches, and downloads. This would reveal the following types of interests among some of our more despicable elected representatives:

– Kelly Ayotte: Porn.

– Joe Barton: Porn.

– Marsha Blackburn: Male porn.

– Dave Brat: Porn with hermaphrodites.

– Mo Brooks: Asian teen porn.

– Jason Chaffetz: Quadreplegic porn.

– Tom Cotton: Bondage porn.

– Ted Cruz: Kiddie porn.

– Joni Ernst: Porn with pig entrails.

– Blake Farenthold: Porn with redheads and insects.

– Louie Gohmert: Asian kiddie porn.

– Trey Gowdy: Porn with vegetables.

– Lindsey Graham: Male porn.

– Tim Huelskamp: Emu-on-man porn.

– James Inhofe: Black teen porn.

– Darrell Issa: Kiddie porn with kitchen appliances.

– Jim Jordan: Man-on-dog porn.

– Mike Kelly: Dog-on-man porn.

– Peter King: Hispanic porn.

– Steve King: Porn with urine.

– Gordon Klingenschmitt: Violent porn.

– Raul Labrador: Porn.

– Mike Lee: Septuagenarian porn.

– Kevin McCarthy: Porn with farm animals.

– Mitch McConnell: Suckling porn.

– Mark Meadows: Porn with urine and feces.

– Dana Rohrabacher: Porn.

– Paul Ryan: Male porn using weightlifting equipment.

– Steve Scalise: Porn with KKK members.

– Jeff Sessions: Black kiddie porn plus snakes.

– Pete Sessions: Porn.

– Lamar Smith: Lesbian porn.

– Randy Weber: Porn with excrement.

– Joe Wilson: Porn with Barbie Dolls used as dildos.

For All to See

These days, the forces of evil operate more out in the open than ever before. Consider:

* Conservatives blatantly work to eradicate citizens’ voting rights.

* Conservatives blatantly work to remove citizens’ civil rights.

* Conservatives blatantly work to undermine the free press.

* Conservatives blatantly work to take healthcare from millions of Americans.

* Conservatives blatantly work to let industry pollute our air and water.

* Conservatives blatantly work to give more money and power to those who already have money and power.

This column has nearly a half-dozen warnings about it being fanciful but I’m willing to bet that the moron base of the conservatard party will be more upset by this spoof than by the anti-American and anti-humanity actions of their conservative representatives.

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Editorial Note: Be aware this series of political articles may contain intentional satire by author John Scott G and is not fully based on fact (aside from some of the stupider things, which are sadly 100% real). Hopefully you can tell the difference?

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John Scott G, an admitted word nerd, writes books, plays, screenplays, and political commentary. Author of "Area Code 666," "Secret Sex," and "Ambient Deviant Speedmetal Polka," Mr. G also writes under the pseudonym Gerald Laurence. Every day he happily rubs a few phrases up against each other to create sparks in your brain. You're welcome.