A tale as old as time: Sydney vs Melbourne

JOE Hildebrand decides it’s time to settle the age-old debate of Sydney versus Melbourne and bring peace between the duelling cities.

Joe Hildebrand

Sunday StyleMarch 12, 201611:00pm

When we consider culture, this is Melbourne’s most cherished item. Picture: Eugene HylandSource:News Corp Australia

BEING A Melburnian by birth and a Sydneysider by adoption, I have often had cause to travel between the two cities, most recently to attend an ex—girlfriend’s 40th birthday. While this in itself caused severe ructions in the Network Ten make—up room, it reminded me once more of the vast chasmic difference between Australia’s fiercest rivals in the hotly contested fields of culture, politics, finance and laneway bars.

So, in an effort to finally create peace between these two great metropolises, I present you with everything you need to know to survive in each fine city.

GETTING THERE

A plane trip between Sydney and Melbourne takes only an hour and a half, which, conveniently, is approximately the same amount of time it takes to travel the 8km from the Sydney CBD to the airport. Fortunately, it is also the approximate amount of time it takes a Melbourne cab to travel anywhere.

Flying between Sydney and Melbourne takes an hour and a half — the same amount of time it will take you to get from the CBD to the airport.Source:AFP

TAXIS

As mentioned, Melbourne taxi drivers are slow, due in part because none of them know where they are going. This is in stark contrast to Sydney taxi drivers, who know exactly where they are going but will still take you on the longest possible route.

It’s a dead heat in terms of the differences in taxis.Source:News Limited

DRIVING

If frustrated by the taxi system in either city, you can always drive yourself, but there are important differences in road rules to remember. Melbourne drivers, for example, still use their indicators, a quaint custom that I assume originates from the gold rush days. Sydney drivers, on the other hand, indicate by placing their vehicle directly in front of yours.

EMPLOYMENT

Melburnians adhere to the notion that if you have a job, it’s yours. Sydneysiders adhere to the notion that if you have a job, it’s that of the person ranked above you. As a result, most Melbourne employees use cushions to ease lower back pain, while Sydney workers tend to use knives.

REAL ESTATE

In Sydney, you can expect that within 60 seconds of meeting someone you will know where they live, what it cost and how much they spent putting in an extra bathroom. In Melbourne, you will only find out how far it is to the local fair—trade coffee shop and where they keep the Bill Henson prints.

Within minutes of meeting someone from Sydney, you will find out where they live and how much it cost, says Joe Hildebrand.Source:ThinkStock

FINANCES

There is a tired old cliché that in Melbourne they ask you what school you went to, whereas in Sydney they just ask how much you earn. This is grossly untrue. No one in Melbourne asks that.

POLITICS

Melbourne is typically more left wing than Sydney, primarily because they don’t have anything to look at. In Melbourne, you can be cornered by a socialist in a pub for anywhere up to three days. In Sydney, you can just snap off the conversation with “Doesn’t the Opera House look beautiful at this time of night?” or “Excuse me, I have to get back to my poker machine.”

Commenting on Sydney’s scenic harbour is a sure-fire way to end an unwanted conversation on politics.Source:ThinkStock

SPORT

In Melbourne, AFL pervades everything, to the point where many a defendant has been let off the hook because the judge also barracks for Collingwood. Unfortunately, this has not been tested for other teams and codes given that Collingwood supporters account for 99.9 per cent of the crime rate.

Melbourne equals AFL equals Collingwood.Source:News Corp Australia

CULTURE

Melbourne is, indisputably, the cultural capital of Australia with far more hipsters. Both cities agree that this is a good thing.