Day 30: Artistic Filter

So I write about this today as it came up in chats, writings from other Destonians and also within looking at the influence that art/ artists had on my life that lead me to want to be ‘part of the artworld’ in one way or another. This will be specifically directed to look at the values that I imprinted on people related to this ‘realm’ while I was growing up as a child, and being mostly influenced by musicians, which is a point that I have written about before – however this is now within the understanding of the special-values and ‘special place’ I’ve given to art within my world as something that ‘captured’ my attention in such a way that music/ art became ‘my world of wonders’ and day dreaming wherein the world was reduced to a single ‘idea’ separated from myself wherein I apparently ‘had nothing to do with/ was none of my business,’ which implies that it became ‘my point of separation’ from the world and ‘the interest’ in my life that I had not considered could be aligned to be a what’s best for all activity in my reality, but where I only sought recognition, self fulfillment and having a ‘great life’ while ignoring the actual conditions of this world while seeking to live out ‘my dreams’ in this lifetime, which certainly didn’t include considering what’s best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from a part of my reality that I have considered as ‘art’ which I have placed as more valuable than other things/ other people around me in my reality.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience a resistance to write about art because I have justified a lifetime of personal satisfaction, pleasure, escapism and perceived personal specialness when it comes to art, art works, music and artists themselves.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to idolize people that create art, that are denominated as ‘artists’/ musicians which I have equated to being ‘more valuable beings’ in reality and separating people according to being artists/ being non-artists in my mind, wherein I ‘make up my mind’ about them and ‘who they are’ accordingly, which is a prejudice that has become an automated perception of specialness as an aura that I sought to ‘have’ myself as well.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to pursue an artistic career within the starting point of equating my life to those that apparently had a ‘great life’ of freedom and joy and expression which I have separated from myself the moment that I decided to become a character in reality, instead of considering that all characters are equally determined by a predisposition to only satisfy one’s needs and desires, which implies that everything that I’ve become has been equal to any other being that pursues happiness while disregarding everything implied to make of such ‘pursuit of happiness’ a reality, which can only exist upon abuse as there is no equality in such pursuit of happiness within this world at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become my own wall street mind wherein everything and everyone that had to do with ‘art’ I placed more value on, considered as superior as ‘special beings’ without realizing that I only did this to justify my own pursuit of being equal to such greatness wherein everything that had to do with becoming a solution to this world was candidly side viewed by taking an opposition to the system and becoming then the walking-neglect toward reality, as the tangible and physical world that I stopped looking at because I saw myself as ‘insignificant’ to make a change in it, without realizing that this was only because I sought to do things ‘by myself’ instead of taking the time and effort to establish myself as an individual within the collective to create actual change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify aloofness, craziness, rebellion, antagonism, general disregard of reality when it comes to hearing artists and their perspectives on reality, wherein I filter their expression through the ‘artistic filter’ that I’ve created as ‘special values’ wherein I appraise someone’s expression according to the value that I have given to art, musical and verbal expression in what I have deemed as ‘artistic expression,’ which are labels that I have used in my mind in order to justify the ‘eccentric nature’ that I have deemed artists/ musicians to be, wherein my fascination for all things art tend to override my common sense, within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to still hold ‘art’ and ‘artistic expression’ as something ‘special’ and ‘unique’ within my mind toward people and parts of my reality, wherein I occupy myself as my mind and take myself for a ride to ‘escape from reality’ as in not being aware of myself, here breathing, wherein for a moment I lose all perspective of myself and everything that exists is me getting an experience/ seeking a positive experience from watching artists performing, speaking, looking at photographs, pictures, paintings, drawings, lyrics and anything that I have used to feed a personal special consideration toward a part of reality that I have separated from everything else – in this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place special value to any form of entertainment that I decided I would dedicate my life to, without ever realizing that within this I was opting to become that very dissociation from what is here by following my dreams, preferences, happiness wherein any other career choice was overlooked and dismissed because I followed my desires and what I grew up with as music, entertainment, arts – because it seemed like a ‘pure thing’ to do, be and become as way to ‘be in this world’ but ‘not of this world,’ as an antagonism that I sought to become.

Today we have millions of people considering themselves as artists wherein in fact, we all have an equal ability to express ourselves regardless of considering it as ‘art’ or not, it is a point of expression that I see and realize I am able to stand one and equal to, wherein I no longer hold a special value to a part of reality that I have compartmentalized, categorized into a ‘special place’ in my mind as something that is ‘more valuable’ than the rest of my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give ‘more value’ to a person whenever I get to know that they are involved in any artistic endeavor, which reveals that I have lived by these rules/ value schemes in my mind without ever having taken a moment to see how I lived such inferiority toward people that I deemed as ‘idols’ and that I looked up to because of them representing the idea of liberation, freedom of expression and an apparent great life which lead me to want to experience the same in my life by becoming ‘an artist’ – within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to perceive that I wasn’t pursuing my happiness with becoming an artist in the usual ambitious and greedy way that I would criticize, but because it was about art – writing, music, painting, etc. – I would deem it as a ‘purer way’ to make a living and live a life that wasn’t as ‘tainted’ as anyone else’s that I perceived as ‘blatantly capitalist’ constantly seeking for money, power, fame, recognition in whatever area of reality they would work in, without realizing that the actual core of the motivation to become an artist did include all of the above in a secretive manner.

I realize that within this mechanism of separating ‘the art world’ from the ‘rest of the world,’ I created a major division in my reality that comes up as an immediate preference toward anyone that holds the label of being artist, musician and anyone else within the artworld, wherein it becomes very obvious that preferences are created, becoming the very continuation of the separation that we have lived as within our world, wherein we all separate ourselves into various ‘cults’ of personalities and preferences in order to always have something to define us by as a ‘group,’ which in this case is art, artistic expression, art and music expression, which is an area of this reality that is no different to any other activity. I have only been the one that has created this automated divide wherein ‘who I am’ toward people varies according to them being related to ‘the art world’ or not.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever want to ‘be an artist’ to keep myself within the realm of reality that I considered as ‘more innocent’ and ‘less ambitious’ yet absolutely ‘special’ as a unique activity that is considered as a ‘profession ’ wherein I became my very own limitation within thinking that I could only relate myself to people that could be in ‘the same wavelength’ as myself within wearing the ‘artistic personality suit,’ and within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate and consider a being’s expression as ‘more valuable’ and ‘special’ when it came to realizing/ knowing that they are related to ‘art’ and being ‘artists,’ when in fact it is no different to any other realm of reality wherein groups define and value each other according to a set of preferences upon an aspect of reality, creating separation from the whole in a ‘socially acceptable manner’ wherein any act/ doing that is labeled as ‘art,’ is justified and seen through a special ‘filter’ toward reality when claiming it is ‘art,’ which means that an underlying acceptance of ‘anything goes’ and ‘free will’ is exerted in ways wherein even animal abuse, personal abuse, sexual objectification of humans is ‘okay’ because ‘it is art.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never expose the actual conflict that I would get when realizing what was being done with reality in the name of ‘art,’ because I had chosen to be a part of that world and within that, perceiving that I could not sabotage my own little charming world as a special niche that I wanted to preserve in my life, wherein I could still have an apparent ‘momentary escapism’ from reality; when in fact art is simply an expression that reflects our ‘nature’ as human beings and within that, it is no more or less than any other living expression that is equally here in this world.

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to defend acts of either violence, boycotts, riots, anger, madness, random destruction, vandalism, harming living beings, self-harm, physical deprivation in the name of art, wherein I would see such beings as heroes in my mind and anti-heroes when it came to the usual idea of ‘heroes’ in our society, which would make an ‘artist’ as someone even ‘more special’ for having dared to challenge reality in the name of ‘their expression’ as a symbol of what I deemed as ‘freedom.’

I realize that within this I would immediately justify any attitude, expression and creation because it is art. And within that it is no different to saying that the laws are not questionable because ‘god created them.’ In this

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to ponder artists as semi-gods that were apparently ‘god’s special creators’ to reveal some form of transcendental ‘truth’ to humanity that I wanted to be a part of, because it would make me feel good to be a part of the ‘special people’ in this world.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to have countless hours of self-talk/ conversations wherein I would hear myself talking about ‘my work of art’ and imagining how it would be to explain yourself and get all the flowers and recognition – when in fact in reality it is no different to talking to any other person about what they are living in their mind and just throwing out an entire personality that is assessed within the social conglomerate wherein ‘I rate’ who that person is according to their ‘talents,’ which is only preprogrammed traits that we have used to separate ourselves wherein we define who we are according to what we do as having a specific ‘talent,’ when in fact it is all about self definitions, self image and self-acceptance that is projected onto others to get enough positive energy from them as a confirmation that we are apparently special/ doing great/ while in reality, we are no different to any other being playing the fame game and seeking self-glorification.

I commit myself to expose how within the labels that we become and embody as ‘who we are’ in our mind has come to determine ‘what we do’ wherein such actions, thoughts, deeds override any point of common sense and consideration of what’s best for all when only caring about satisfying my personal needs, interests, likes, preferences that are Not aligned to what is best for all.

I commit myself to reveal how we have become our very own stock market within creating special values/ special placements toward people/ things/ reality in separation of who we are as one and equal in the name of keeping our little piece of heaven intact as a resort to escape from reality to not actively become part of the necessary change that is required in this world.

I commit myself to stand up as life as what is best for all wherein who I am as that decision determines what I do – and who I am is not defined by what I do but simply walk the necessary process to make sure that I live as the realization of what must be done in this reality to finally be able to express and live a real meaningful life that is not determined by/ based on the current ‘spheres’ of reality that are in fact cults of self interest that have not united for the sake of creating a world that’s best for all, but have only united by common selfish interests that disregard at all times the very breath that keeps us pursuing such pointless personal dreams of self-glorification and satisfaction that can only exist if someone else is abused in this reality, due to how everything ‘positive’ is equal to money and money exists as the very cause of separation in this world.

I commit myself to live the decision that I’ve taken to walk the necessary doings and directing myself in my world to stand in a position where I can support myself and others to realize who we really are as life and the practical living actions that must be done in order to support each other to finally learn how to Live – and once that is done, self expression as art can emerge as an inherent living reality wherein no more ‘art worlds’ will exist in separation of life, but life itself will become the ultimate expression of life which is then everything that I ever sought to be within ‘art’ – We can give this to ourselves within this lifetime, walking the necessary process of Self-Honesty to realize: we are here, we are the solution we ever sought and we have this life to make it count for all as equals.

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About Marlen

I'm a human being that has decided to live by the principle of Life in Equality and place myself as a point of support for everyone that's willing to birth themselves as Life in this world.
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