I love my life, but hate my head.

Does that even make sense? I find myself looking for a way out, but mostly it's to escape my internal stuff. There's some external stuff I would like to escape, but right now the internal is worse. I can't imagine a future because the depression takes over and I'm afraid to be this way for the rest of my life. I just want out. So I passively wish for a swift ending. Can anyone relate?

You summed it up so well. I feel the same way. I am desperately looking for someone who feels the way I do, basically for deep understanding from another person, validation, and to not feel so alone. It feels like there is a small broken part in my brain, that is terminally broken. I have tried literally everything to feel happy. I am almost ready to stop fighting against it, cause I'm tired and really don't think anything will work at this point. I have such a wonderful life that i would love to enjoy. I feel like a different person without depression would feel happy, not perfect, but happy in my circumstances...my circumstances being very, very good (please don't take this as bragging at all, I just say it to illustrate how my head does not match my actual life, does that make sense?). I have everything I've dreamed of having, but I CAN'T enjoy it because of this small, broken part in my brain that makes me always feel gloomy and gray, like I always want to kill myself to escape the sadness and pain, and have negative thoughts constantly randomly popping in my head and each sad thought brings a wave of sadness over me. I just feel hopeless, helpless, and when I think of actually doing it, like I did today for the first time in long time, I felt such a sense of relief. Not trying at all to be dramatic, just trying to find one place in the world where I can say this, not be judged, and maybe find someone who has some of the same thoughts.

i can relate. While I don't have everything I've dreamed of, I still have a reasonable good life (a wife who loves me and whom I love dearly, people in my life I care about and care about me, a roof over my head, a car to get me where I need to go) and yet there's this dark fog that envelops everything. :/

I can relate. I just joined this website today. I have been suffering from sever depression most of my life... The worst part is that I really have no reason to feel this way. I have a great husband that I love very much, my family & I have always been pretty close. We don't struggle terribly for money & I have a lot of hobbies. But like you said, the darkness envelops it & I have no hope for the future. I hate feeling this way & I have no idea where to turn for help. My husband knows how I feel but I don't think he really understands because he's never experienced depression or anxiety. My family doesn't understand & just tells me to "just be happy." That's not possible for me. I can't think of a time that I've just "been happy."