May 2012

May 30, 2012

Dear reader, when's the last time you've been riveted by a new interest? When is the last time you found yourself involved in a pursuit which engaged you on every level and made you chafe at the other demands on your time such as laundry, dishes and, most odious of all, personal hygiene?

Lately I've tried my hand at music composition, which has been like teaching my brain ninja moves and setting it upon a tiny chocolate pillow.

I've been writing choral music for my church choir, I've written a little duet for Izzy and me, and recently I decided to try a more mainstream avenue: pop music. The only problem is, I don't listen to a lot of pop music. And that is a problem when you sit down to compose your own. It helps to have a muse. It helps to have someone blaze a trail.

Left to my own devices, I wondered what I could write about. My life experiences do not seem especially represented by the songs my girls like on the radio. And I think you have to write about what resonates with you, if I'm not mistaken? Like, how could I write about partying and boy crushes, bling and fast cars, or whatever happens to be selling like hotcakes these days?

It would be so fake.

Anyway, so this is my first attempt at lyrics. This is my demographic. I don't exactly see it shooting to number one on the charts anytime soon, but this is what resonates with me:

Wake up, darlin’, roll outta bed, There are lunches to make and you’re all out of bread,But you’ll figure it out ‘cause somehow you always do.There are bills to pay and papers to sign,There's small talk, you smile and say you’re doing fine,Maybe you are and maybe you’re not--Sometimes you’re just too busy to know.Life can play nice and life can play hard,It doesn’t always look like a tropical postcardAnd you’re not always wishing you were here.

But the world outside keeps spinning around,At the end of the day, the sun’s going down,And darlin’, hang on, I just wanna say:Everything is all right and you’re gonna be okay.

Look in the mirror, but not too close,Make the best of what you’ve gotThen dance away on your tiptoesThere’s someone out there whose day hinges on your smile.Your plants are dead, what does that say about you?Your library books are overdueWhat kind of mother forgets to pick up her kids from school?Not everything’s gonna be easy, you know,That’s the fine print on life:The word “fair” went out the window.

But the world outside keeps spinning around,At the end of the day, the sun’s going down,And darlin’, hang on, I just wanna say:Everything is all right and you’re gonna be okay.

When heartache hits and runs you downYour whole world stops and you start losing ground,Darlin’, that’s when I’m coming back for you.The world’s still filled with magical things--There are nests in the trees,And butterfly wings,A cold stream slips over silvery sand,A smooth stone fits in the palm of your hand,Fireflies glow in the fading light,Rabbits get sleepy and snuggle up tight,Underneath a canopy of falling stars,The most beautiful thingIs what you are.

You’re gonna be okay, you’re gonna be okay,MmmhmmSo darlin’, hang on, I just wanna say:Everything is all right and you’re gonna be okay.

Should I even bother writing the music? Can you picture this single hitting the clubs? Because the part about getting up to make lunches and realizing you're out of bread?

May 29, 2012

Dear reader, I am at a rare loss for written words. It would be difficult to articulate my delight and wonder at the comments you left on the previous post...I had no idea! No idea there was a secret society of quiet (in your own way), observant girls out there with so many shared characteristics and traits.

I wish I could respond to every comment and email. They were so eloquent and personal...I hope you will understand the dilemma I find myself in of hardly having enough time for Tollipop as it is. I wish you could know how something from each comment touched kindred ground with me, made me interested to know more, made me a little nervous at how incredibly generous you are in your view of me (we all know no one is perfect or even remotely so, right?), and filled me with happiness to know we are sharing the same planet.

Thank you for that.

We spent a lovely weekend up in the mountains of southern Utah. It was rather cold, which made it all the more snug and cozy. I love visiting ranch supply stores to give my city slicker girls a look at farm life, to witness the accoutrements of my childhood.

It could be the dead of winter and we'd still stop for shaved ice.

Throughout the weekend we talked about freedom, about love of country, about remembering those who made such great sacrifices for this cause and about the duties of a citizen to maintain liberty, both in a personal way and in a broader sense. I hope I can always inspire within my girls' hearts and minds the significance of these things. I hope they will have love in their homes, love for their community, country, and all nations.

May 25, 2012

Dear reader, my apologies for such a pathetic rhyme. I'm tired for some reason. And it's a blustery day. The effects of wind plus fatigue upon an already scattered mind equal bad poetry every time.

It's a scientifically proven fact.

You know, I often wonder who you are. Who is reading Tollipop? Every now and then I get an email from someone who reads this blog, mentioning she's been reading it for awhile yet never left a comment.

If you are such a person, I'm interested to know more about you! Won't you please introduce yourself? Tell me your favorite book, your favorite treat, your favorite color. Tell me how things look in your corner of the world...

Lately I've connected or reconnected with some kindred spirits who've contacted me through Tollipop: a sweet high school friend, a wise and luminous girl from my newlywed days, and a woman living in Wales who has the very same name as I do (prior to marriage) plus a daughter named Izzy, the same age as mine.

May 23, 2012

Dear reader, I've been wearing this outfit for the past five days now. And don't think I'm anywhere near finished with it yet!

No one's made a comment, no one's batted an eye. No one's pointed out the impropriety of weeding flower beds or scrubbing bathroom floors while wearing a skirt and saffron yellow beads.

Well, "scrubbing" might be a tad dramatic. But I did wash them on my hands and knees.

Every morning when I wake up I think: today's the day I'm not going to wear these beads. And then I turn around and they're on me again!

The beads are from Target. I was there a few nights ago making practical purchases, such as laundry detergent and lipsmackers, when a flash of yellow caught my eye. I drew near, mesmerized. Did I fondle them? Hard to say, but next thing I knew there was a strand around my neck and I stared at my reflection, listening to the beads rustle as I swayed back and forth.

I don't know. I often remind myself happiness cannot be found in the accumulation of things.

May 22, 2012

Look what I discovered on my trail run today! A shimmering green beetle, perfect in its detail and deathly repose.

There was nothing to do but take it home in my sweaty hand.

If you are familiar with this blog, you may have already noticed my penchant for cherishing lifeless insects, especially the magnificent ones. In fact, if you look carefully at the background of the picture of my herb garden below, there's a speck on the windowsill which is actually a dead bumblebee I couldn't bear to throw away.

Why do these things fill me with such wonder and happiness?

I think it's because something in their design beckons to me. Without wanting to offend or invite the derision of those with differing opinions, I must offer that I see God's hand in this tiny insect.

I believe He created the earth and all things upon it. I don't know how He did it. I suspect it was not by waving a wand within the period of a traditionally defined week, but rather through a gradual and masterful harnessing of universal scientific laws.

I believe this through simple faith. Beyond this, I am compelled to acknowledge an intelligent presence at the origin of creation, as experience has shown me nothing ever gets made without an organizing force behind it. You know? Like, my girls' rooms never get cleaner on their own, to put it in very simple terms. Dinner doesn't just magically happen. As I make things myself, whether it is having babies, composing music, writing, drawing, or building a friendship, I am impressed by the thought, effort, even personality which goes into a really good creation.

This is the heart of the matter as to why the beetle resonates so deeply: there is something about this intricate bug which awakens in me a closer feeling to God. There is something about it which makes me feel I better understand an aspect of His nature, and that somehow He understands an aspect of mine. I recognize something familiar: that we share, if I may say so, a common element of appreciation.

I think He knows how such a tiny, perfect creature would bring me no end of wonder and delight. I actually think that matters to Him. And reflecting on this, sensing it is true, brings greater joy and gratitude to my path on this beautiful earth.

May 18, 2012

Late last night I was working at the piano when Izzy wandered into the room, picked up her violin and started to play...which was clever of her, given she knew she'd incurred my displeasure by not being in bed.

I recorded this little clip, which she asked me to send to a few of my friends. I was touched that Izzy feels she has a friendship with my friends, meaning over the years they have taken the time to express an interest in her whenever they cross paths and as a result, a connection has blossomed.

Isn't that how life should be? Being friends with people of all ages?

Beyond that, the desert is still beautiful.

Caroline is still sleuthing with a fellow redhead.

Sophie may still be found in the gym.

My husband is still making brilliant pizzas.

And I'm still thinking about rabbits. Pillowy soft rabbits who take everything in, who have a quiet, knowing way, and by their presence make you feel calmer, quieter, as if you are okay and everything is going to be all right.

May 15, 2012

Dear reader, I finally figured out a puzzle that has been confounding me for ages: namely, how to get from point A to point B in the twinkling of an eye.

Bring a good friend with you.

Over the weekend my friend and I made a quick trip out of town. All by ourselves. We left early one morning and returned late the next night. I mean, on paper that is what happened. But in some ways it feels we distilled 48 hours into one thrill-packed roller coaster ride, over almost as soon as it began. Then again, every moment was filled with such fun that the experience lingers on in my mind as if it is somehow still happening.

We wandered through rooms filled with dusty old doors, old chairs, old toys.

I found my prom dress, the one I would have worn if I would have been asked to prom.

It may be this discovery set me back a little in the healing process, but don't worry: I'm not bitter.

We walked through pretty places and looked at pretty things. We admired, we debated, we ate more gelato. And through it all, we talked. I think we pretty much talked non stop. We talked about ourselves, our children, our families, about life, spiritual matters, social issues. We laughed. We got off on tangents. We forgot the original point of our conversation, suspending relevance in a way that made perfect sense to us.

And when we pulled into my driveway late Saturday night, we were still talking with such urgency we actually sat there awhile longer.

I guess this is the secret to time travel, and perhaps it is something you want to use judiciously in case time vanishes altogether: fill it with people you love.

But how can one be judicious about that? How can one parcel out the heart? I think you just have to go with it. Love as many people as you can, let time roll on as it may.

That is the beauty of memory. Doors, chairs, and toys may grow old and get covered with dust, but in the mind there is a place where moments can be summoned, fresh and new, and where the pleasure of a happy day may live on forever as if time stood still.

May 13, 2012

To all women: I wish you a beautiful day filled with a deep sense of self awareness and worth.

I am thinking of my mother today, of her many beautiful gifts and how she blazed a trail through life unlike anything I've ever seen. She was strong, industrious, capable, intelligent, wise, humble, faithful, creative, selfless, steady, and endowed with an ability to love that did not run for cover, ever. I love and miss her deeply, and know someday I will see her again.

I am fortunate to have many wonderful women in my life. I have a mother-in-law who is in a league of her own. She is an amazing example in every respect and I am so grateful for her influence upon me and my daughters.

I love my sisters and my sisters-in-law. I love my dear friends. I love the little girls who used to be in my Sunday school class and who still come sit on my lap during church. I smile when they come, because I've often remarked that after having had three girls of my own, I wish someone would just hand me three more. And nearly every Sunday, that is exactly what happens.

I love being a woman. I love the experiences that come to me through the roles I've been given as an individual, a daughter, a sister, a wife, mother, aunt, and friend.

I love the beauty I see in this world, how deeply I care about people and how this capacity to care can bring both great happiness and inevitable suffering. I try not to mind. I try to embrace it all and feel that my happiness is made more poignant by sorrow, and that sorrow is made more bearable by the sense of wonder I feel at being alive on this earth.

I hope you know I consider you a friend, dear reader. In most cases I believe we don't technically know each other. But then again we do. There are many similiarities in the human experience. There are many common goals. And my heart seems to stretch far and wide when I think about people everywhere, wondering who they are, wondering about their stories, wishing I could understand better and help better and make more of a difference. In some way I sense this quality is an attribute both of myself as an individual and as a woman.

I hope you have a lovely day. I hope you sense something deeply meaningful and important within yourself. One belief I hold dear is the worth of each person, how great it must be, how much each one matters. I hope you feel it, dear reader. I hope it stays with you through thick and thin.