As a thank you to their customers for their forebearance, they are offering some free apps.

So Perfect Husband happily downloaded an app called DriveSafe.ly and was itching to try it out.

“Send me a text message!” Perfect Husband ordered me as I got into the car with him the other day.

I was confused. We text all day long, but texting while together crosses into the Disgusting Couple zone.

“Uh… why?”

“Just send me a text.”

So I wrote something along the lines of “LOL UR Hawt.” (Normally, we are fully-and-correctly-spelled-with-appropriate-use-of-semicolons sort of texters, so I felt this would be sufficient punishment).

Then I heard a bing from his Blackberry.

And we drove in silence for a while.

“Hmm,” said PH. “Send me another.”

So I did. There was a second bing, and then a voice that sounded like an unholy mating between Stephen Hawking and Satan ponderously announced:

“MESSAGE FROM… CAROL: Why you no reply?”.

“Reply,” said PH.

“SPEAK YOUR MESSAGE” said DriveSafe.ly

“I am replying to you,” said PH.

My phone binged.

Reply to ear

I sent a message back.

“MESSAGE FROM… CAROL: WHO IS EAR? REPLY TO ME!”

“Reply,” said PH.

“SPEAK YOUR MESSAGE” said DriveSafe.ly

“I’m trying to!”

My phone binged.

I’m trying two

I sent another message back.

“MESSAGE FROM… CAROL: TWO? BUT THERE IS ONLY ONE OF ME.”

“Reply,” said PH.

…

“REPLY!” said PH.

“SPEAK YOUR MESSAGE” said DriveSafe.ly

“Homophones are not this program’s friend,” said PH.

My phone binged.

haha phone is on her not this program is friend

I sent another message.

The Blackberry binged.

DriveSafe.ly made no comment.

I sent another. The Blackberry binged. DriveSafe.ly still said nothing.

“Send message!” said PH.

Nothing.

“REPLY” said PH.

Nothing.

We stopped at a red light and he fiddled with his phone while I watched the light anxiously.

I sent another message.

Nothing.

At the next red light he rebooted his Blackberry and made sure DriveSafe.ly was back on. I sent another message, which still did not provoke a response from RIM’s free gift, which normally retails for like 20 bucks.

“Answer!’ PH ordered.

No response.

“Reply! Send Message! STOP SUCKING SO MUCH.”

DriveSafe.ly had nothing to say to this.

PH turned it off and turned it back on again. He rebooted his phone again. I sent another message.