01/31/2013

Pro-abortion organization NARAL is celebrating the 40th anniversary of Roe-vs-Wade and the resulting 50+ million babies blobs slaughtered "choiced."

The group has released an upbeat new video called "Choice Out Loud", to celebrate their new campaign, or "experience," as they call it.

The video features a beautifully shot montage of women acting happy and free, with statements relating to murdering unborn children "choice," presenting an atmosphere of near-giddy anticipation of the wonderful day when a girl or woman has the pleasure of dismembering and sucking away her little boy or girl making that "choice."

Liberals are praising the campaign, with Nancy Pelosi calling the video "the feel-good hit of the year."

"Choice Out Loud" NARAL campaign celebrates 40 years of abortion with upbeat, stylish production

01/30/2013

BIG HAIRY NEWS EXCLUSIVE - Anonymous sources have provided a photo (below) they say shows Senator Bob Menendez partying in the company of several underage prostitutes in a foreign brothel.

A story published by Politico in November claims Menendez regularly enjoyed sex parties with young girls in the Dominican Republic, according to a high-level government official and two prostitutes from that country.

A spokesman for Menendez’s office has called the allegations "unsubstantiated garbage."

01/29/2013

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Michelle Obama has done nothing to promote her "Let's Move" campaign for over four months. That fact coupled with the lack of activity on the program's website (below) are thought to be the result of protests at participating schools across the country, and accompanying complaints from parents.

Another indication that the "let's Move" program has been abandoned are photos showing the first lady eating ice cream and cheeseburgers on vacation, with predictable results.

"Her butt will have its own zip code soon," remarked one staff member. "It's got more dimples than a golf ball."

01/28/2013

TEHRAN (BHN) -Iran claims to have significantly advanced its space program by successfully sending a monkey into orbit.

Iranian news channel Al-Alam reports the male monkey piloted the "Star Rug V Space Explorer" capsule to an altitude of 120 kilometers (75 miles), where he performed "numerous experiments" before safely returning to earth. The Iranian Space Agency released a photo of the monkey, below.

In a possibly-related story, residents in the small city of Masshad, Iran report a large object fell on the town's hospital building, killing 32 people and setting a neighborhood on fire. A "small, headless animal strapped to an infant seat and covered in excrement" was reported to have been found in the wreckage.

01/25/2013

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The White House is in full defensive mode following yet another publicized incident involving flies apparently irresistibly drawn to President Obama's face.

Responding to comments made by one conservative radio host, Press Secretary Jay Carney told reporters Friday, "Calling anyone a piece of you-know-what just because flies are attracted to them is irresponsible and cruel. Flies land on lots of things, it proves nothing."

One respected entomologist disagrees with the White House's denial. Professor Heinrich Lutz of Boston University believes the administration is deliberately covering up the real reason flies are constantly drawn to the President.

"The flies' behavior clearly indicate the President is, at least sometimes, extremely sh*t-faced," said Lutz. "Unless the President washes his face in the toilet, he's obviously drinking and/or using drugs - of that I'm fairly certain."

The White House responded by issuing a statement calling flies "stupid."

01/24/2013

PYONGYANG, DPRK (BHN) - Following angry North Korean denials to a recent Chinese newspaper story claiming Kim Jong-un had plastic surgery to look more like his revered grandfather Kim Il-sung, our sources inside the DPRK have provided us with photographic evidence proving the story is likely true.

Although not 100% conclusive, an exhaustive scientific study of the photos (below) of Kim Il-sung with early and recent photos of his grandson does seem to indicate the likelihood that the young Kim may have had his appearance altered to more closely resemble his grandfather.

01/23/2013

NEW YORK (BHN) - A steamy new erotic novel features President Obama and first lady Michelle as the main characters.

Tentatively titled "Liberal Lust," the story takes place in Kahlua, Hawaii where the first couple are repeatedly swept away by "passion only unfettered power and riches can provide."

An excerpt:

Michelle entered the bedroom just as a shirtless Barack was dressing. As the most powerful man in the world crouched to tie his sneakers, Michelle stared at the smooth line of his back and the way his delicate fingers deftly tied one bow, then another. She felt a heat, primitive and uncontrollable, welling deep inside her as her eyes devoured Barry's jutting nipples, firm and taut in the tropical morning chill.

Without turning, Barack became aware of the sound of labored breathing, coupled with the familiar scent of passion - like that of a musk ox that's been worked too hard. Michelle slowly drew up behind him, pressing her throbbing desire into the nape of Barack's long, graceful neck. He gasped.

Without saying a word, Michelle roughly pushed him to the floor with one powerful hand while the other gripped, then ripped away, her lover's running shorts and silk boxers, exposing the moist object of her overheated desires.

With his face against the carpet, Barry whimpered softly as Michelle held him down while she pulled her

01/22/2013

WASHINGTON (BHN) - In a vivid display of partisan rancor, first lady Michelle Obama unexpectedly nipped House Speaker John Boehner's hand during the inauguration lunch Monday.

The feisty reaction came when Boehner reached over and touched Mrs. Obama's arm to get her attention while she was eating. The first lady suddenly reeled and bit the Speaker's hand before he could pull away. While the bite didn't appear to be serious, television coverage appeared to show Boehner crying as he finished his meal.

"Yeah, she bit the hell out of him," said Mitch McConnell later. "But in all fairness to Mrs. Obama, John should have known not to touch her when she's eating. Everyone knows that."

Reports indicate Boehner was later examined by a doctor, given a tetanus shot, and sent home. There was no word concerning when Mrs. Obama last received a rabies shot.

01/21/2013

Chicago - Authorities in many eastern cities are reporting a sudden reduction of violent and nonviolent crimes. Among the major cities reporting at least a 75% reduction in crime are Chicago, Cleveland, Philadelphia, New York, Newark, and Detroit.

WASHINGTON - In a move by the White House to make the President appear "more religious and more black," President Obama is publicly taking the Oath of Office today on two Bibles, the additional one once belonging to Martin Luther King.

MLK historian Tyrone Phelps said King preferred this particular book because of it's padded leather cover, and used it primarily as a "booty pad" under numerous prostitutes and mistresses.

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First Lady Wows Fashion World With New Hairstyle

WASHINGTON - The fashion world is agog over first lady Michelle Obama's daring new hairstyle featuring longer bangs.

"Eet ees so fobulous I con even tell you. Meeshell has never looked better," proclaimed well known fashionista, Bobbi Starr.

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Sudden Crime Wave Strikes Nation's Capitol

WASHINGTON - Metropolitan Police are scrambling to respond to a sudden avalanche of crimes occuring in the capitol, including homicides, rapes, robberies, carjackings, and drug offences.

"We can't explain it, things just exploded in the last day or two, and it's getting worse," said MPDC Police Chief Cathy Lanier.

01/18/2013

PHOENIX (BHN) - An anonymous conservative group released a video Friday accusing Barack Obama and his fellow Democrats of promoting the deaths of children. The 30 second spot is in response to videos produced by the White House featuring small children pleading for gun control.

The silent video features an aborted child holding a sign proclaiming Obama and his fellow Democrats as being responsible for killing over 55 million babies since the implementation of Roe vs. Wade, and calls for "doctor control."

White House spokesman Jay Carney called the comparison "grossly unfair, as guns are much scarier than doctors."

01/16/2013

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Sources report that the reason first lady Michelle Obama has not been seen in recent weeks is due to the fervent anti-gun hysteria permeating the White House.

"The President cannot afford to have his wife flaunting her guns at this critical point," said one White House staffer. "He knows Michelle can't stop flexing for the cameras, it's all she's got going for herself."

The first lady is expected to be back in public after critical gun control laws are enacted.

01/15/2013

BHN EXCLUSIVE - Big Hairy News owner and editor Scooter Van Neuter was questioned by DOJ investigators Monday about a bumper sticker design posted last week in the comments section of his popular online news site.

"They wanted to know if we were calling for a revolution against the government of the United States involving the use of firearms," said Van Neuter. "That, of course is ridiculous. We're calling for normal people to revolt against rednecks using Barry's symbol as a target, that's all."

Van Neuter called the questioning "nothing more than intimidation by a bunch of liberal retards," and vowed to start selling the stickers out of spite.

This isn't the first time authorities have questioned Van Neuter about content on Big Hairy News. Last year the DOJ accused his "Barack Obama Fan Club - Middle East Chapter" of promoting jihadist Muslim attacks on the President and other high profile Democrats, a charge Van Neuter categorically denied.

01/11/2013

WASHINGTON (BHN) - The meeting between Vice President Joe Biden and officials of The National Rifle Association took a dramatic turn Thursday when an angry Biden unexpectedly pulled a gun and threatened to shoot the men.

In a statement released shortly after the meeting, the NRA said it was "disappointed with the tone of the meeting," and referred to Biden as "a dangerous retard in need of medication."

Biden later apologized for his behavior, and claimed the firearm was unloaded.

01/09/2013

Episcopal leaders say the church will implement a new rite of marriage for gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered members. "The freakier the better," said one official. "Seriously, God doesn't pay the bills here, if He has a problem with us marrying sodomites and pervs, He can build His own place."

The 106-year-old cathedral has long been a spiritual center for the nation, hosting presidential inaugural services and funerals for Ronald Reagan and Gerald Ford. The cathedral draws hundreds of thousands of visitors each year.

01/08/2013

WASHINGTON (BHN) - Planned Parenthood celebrated its best year ever after its latest annual report showed the government funded organization performed over a third of a million abortions in 2011 to 2012.

"We're really jacked," said one Planned Parenthood executive. "In three years we killed almost a million kids, er, I mean blobs."

Responding to criticism by conservatives upset with the wholesale slaughter and the accompanying record level of taxpayer funding that fueled it, a Planned Parenthood spokesperson downplayed the numbers, saying, "It's not as bad as it sounds - most of the fetuses were black and Hispanic."