I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best. I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments. This one began back in March 2018.

MS – Lycra, maybe for the sake of any of the at-home audience who were in comas yesterday and didn’t hear the earth shattering events you could relate a synopsis of events leading up to this sad, sad day.

LS – No, Shmoe. Anyone too stupid or callous to educate himself to the scope and details of yesterday’s global catastrophe cannot be helped and must be allowed to perish from the earth, or at least be shadow-banned from Twitter. But I will say this, Mr. Toodles’ abduction, brutal murder and cannibalization is laid squarely at the feet of Donald Trump.

MS – Yes, absolutely. Trump’s support for the unnamed perpetrator (a rogue leader of an unnamed country with the initials NK) was what enabled this heinous crime. Any sensible President would answer this unspeakable provocation with a measured, proportionate response, namely, the total thermonuclear annihilation of North Korea, err, I mean NK.

LS – Yes Shmoe, that seems just. Even merciful if you consider it the right way.

MS – And by the right way you mean the left way. A truly progressive world view recognizes that the brutal murder of even one somewhat plus-sized American pug dog must be the moral equivalent of incinerating fifty million East Asian people who engage in dog eating.

LS – That’s right Shmoe, very, very equivalent.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – Oh for! … … … … …………………. Anyway, anyway we are demanding that Donald Trump immediately call off the peace process with NK and proceed directly to a full nuclear launch.

LS – Yes, warmonger Trump, do what you want to do anyway go directly to Def Jam 4.

MS – That’s DEFCON 1.

LS – Well, whatever channel it is on your remote go to it and start bombing those dog eaters. And I hear South Korea and China are also dog eaters so nuke them too.

MS – Uhhh, maybe we should slow down a minute. China is not only one of the larger nuclear powers with a population of over a billion people, it also makes most of the stuff we live on.

LS – Really Shmoe, really? Is that all you care about Mr. Toodles? I mean, just because there is a small chance that you will get nuked, you let dog eaters roam the earth free, chowing down on chow-chows as the mood strikes them?

MS – Hey, just wait a second. I go along with almost all of your nutty crap day in and day out. Cut me a little slack when I don’t want to go beyond the partial annihilation of the planet over one dog.

LS – One dog? Mr. Toodles? After all he did for you? Do I even know you at all?

(as a staccato exchange of bickering breaks out between the married co-hosts, Producer Jorge, interrupts)

PJ – Lycra, Shmoe. I hate to interrupt but we have Donald Trump on line one.

MS – (audibly grinds his teeth but shakes it off and continues) What do you want Trump?

PT – I called up to broker a peace treaty between the two of you and my friend Kim Jong Un.

LS – (starts screaming incoherently then yells) Monster, murderer! You are responsible for the murder of Mr. Toodles.

PT – Calm yourself Lycra Spandexy, at your advanced age a stroke is always a concern.

LS – (once again starts screaming incoherently then yells) I am not old! I am young and beautiful and in the prime of my life as a powerful, talented and desirable woman.

PT – Sure, sure, whatever, now listen. Kim Jong Un called me up last night and told me all about the joke he pulled on you two. It’s not widely known but he has a very wry sense of humor. He took your morbidly obese and pop-eyed canine and brought him along on his flight back to Pyongyang. The dog is well, or as well as he was when taken, and will be returned to you unharmed in return for an apology.

LS – I’ll never apologize to that monster.

PT – Oh it’s worse than that. You have to apologize to me.

MS – What? Why would we apologize to you?

PT – Well you see, Kim thinks it’s beneath his dignity to negotiate with a leader whose own people hold in such low esteem that they insult him publicly. So, he is insisting that you two be made an example and forced to perform the equivalent of a North Korean show trial where you denounce yourselves through a long list of your thought and deed crimes. He reluctantly agreed that you didn’t have to end off by being summarily executed with a bullet through the brain paid for by your families.

MS – We’ll never do it.

PT – That’s your choice but the dog is still in North Korea and he is about oven-stuffer size. And the Korean Festival of the Garlic and Ginseng Stuffed Dog does begin next week.

PT – Oh, don’t rush me. I’ll get back to you when I’ve got the script finished. I’ll just let Kim know it’s a deal and we’ll set up the broadcast in a day or so. And believe me when I say that what you’ll have to say will bring tears to those leftist blue state eyes of yours. Till then rejoice. Your pop-eyed pooch was dead but now is alive again. Trump out.

I went through the “Trump vs” spoof posts and picked the one I liked best. I’ll post one section a day but if you want to read ahead or start at the beginning I have the links at the bottom and top of each post to the previous and next installments. This one began back in March 2018.

MS – Welcome back from that commercial break and it’s the cube root of 27 minutes after the hour and we’re here at the set of the Morning Shmoe Show. And Lycra Spandexy and I were just saying how we’ve never been more in love or more sure that Donald Trump’s presidency is seconds away from imploding before our eyes.

LS – Yes, that’s right Shmoe, very, very in love and very, very close to imploding.

MS – Exactly.

LS – Exactly.

MS – And continuing on our discussion of the bromance between Trump and Kim, I just wonder how Donald Trump feels knowing that he has become just as much of a laughing stock as that other tin pot dictator Kim Jong Un. After all he may not be as short and fat as Kim but he’s just as much of a psychopath and just as ugly.

LS – Yes that’s right Shmoe, very, very much a laughing stock and very, very ugly.

KJU – You listen good, Lycra Spandexy and Morning Shmoe! This Kim Jong Un, Supreme Dear Leader of Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. You really piss me off. Maybe my friend Donald Trump let you get away with this stuff but I no will. You are in deep doo doo. You make fun of me? Hah, I make fun of you! What kind name Lycra Spandexy? Sound like the sports bra. And Morning Shmoe? You some kind of Fourth Stooge? Hah, Hah!

LS – Oh yeah? Well your name is really funny. Don’t you know Kim is a girl’s name? Like Kim Kardashian.

MS – Honey, I don’t think you should engage. I think the directive in these situations is to remain calm and shelter in place until the back-up arrives.

KJU – Too late you foolish losers. I already sent team to your apartment. You aware that Korean cuisine includes dog, right?

LS – Mr. Toodles?

KJU – That right. I now finishing off Toodles with Noodles. Very hot and very tasty.

(Lycra becomes hysterical)

MS – You fiend! I’ll call the State Department and have you arrested.

KJU – Don’t bother. Diplomatic immunity. And I already in flight and over Atlantic Ocean. Plus, I no think Donald like you two too much. You piss him off too. So goodbye losers. Better not say more about me or you might end up on menu for my shark tank. (call ends in a dial tone)

MS – (with Lycra in the background keening shrilly for Mr.Toodles) Well this is a black day on Morning Shmoe. Not since the 9-11 attacks has anything as shocking occurred. In fact, as we all know, the 9-11 attacks were the fault of Islamophobia whereas this murder is strictly the fault of Donald Trump and his Axis of Evil with a dictator who will remain nameless because of reasons. I would declare a morning of mourning but we really need the paychecks to cover the wedding expenses we incurred. It was an event wedding in Hawaii and Lycra had a lot of Eastern European relatives to fly in.

LS – (breaking out of her wailing dirge) You were the one who wanted Hawaii.

LS – Oh, Shmoe-meo renounce thy father’s name, for I refuse to become Lycra Spandexy-Browfurrowed. A girl can only endure so much. You’re a modern metrosexual man. Take Spandexy as your last name. Shmoe Spandexy has a kind of alliterative magic to it.

MS – Sure baby, a rose by any other name would blah, blah, blah. Just as long as we tie the knot before Chris Cashews is on the show again. He’s getting that tingle up his leg again and I don’t think either one of us is safe alone with him during commercial breaks.

LS – Wow, that’s grim. Okay I am sold oh Shmoe-meo. I’ll make the announcement on-air and the joyous huzzahs will resound around the set.

MS – Uh, yeah sure. And three, two, one!

LS – And we’re back. During the break, Morning Shmoe agreed to become my husband and equal partner for life.

MS – You said it toots.

LS – And since we’re both delirious with joy, we wanted our audience to be the first to know.

MS – And since this is the network that never stops pushing, we’re going to turn today’s show into a forum devoted to giving us the best advice for our life together. Lycra, who do we have scheduled for the panel?

LS – First up is our very own Snarkful Sadclown. And who better than an androgynous lesbian to help me pick out my wedding dress?

Snarkful Sadclown (SS) – Well, Lycra, if you really intend to degrade your body by becoming a walking biological function and a chattel handmaiden for the patriarchy, the least I can do is make sure you arrive in comfortable loafers and a sensible pantsuit from the Hillary Collection.

LS – But Mommy and Daddy said I’d look like a princess!

SS – This ain’t your Mommy’s network Princess. And I’d recommend a number two buzzcut for the hairstyle. That’s right, this is real, you aren’t dreaming, this your life.

MS – My apologies. Dr., what can I learn from you to make my marriage more fulfilling?

DSH – First of all, Shmoe, be aware that even contemplating yet another marriage between white, heterosexual, cis-gendered people is a crime against all LGBTQ and people of color. You are transgressing against the gorgeous mosaic that is the American life of today. It is vibrant, it is diverse and it will not be flouted by your retrogressive, hate-filled choices.

LS – Yes but we are white, heterosexual, cis-gendered people.

DSH – That’s no excuse. Nowadays, options in transgender hormone therapy and transformative surgery allow any number of alternative body choices. For instance, Shmoe, I envision you as a five foot three inch tall black woman with a penchant for shall we say alimentary amorous pursuits.

DSH – No problem. There’s no pressure whatsoever. Our motto is “If you like your genitalia you can keep your genitalia.”

MS – Somehow, that’s less than totally reassuring.

DSH – And you, Lycra, would be just a stunning creature at 6’ 3’’with a Douglas Fairbanks Jr. mustache and a Heidelberg scar.

LS – But I want to be a princess!

DSH – Fine. We’ll compromise You can be bi-sexual. See I’m willing to meet you half way.

MS – Dr., I hope during the break we can find some common ground on our vision of married life but first let me introduce our next panelist. He’s the greatest living authority on pre-nuptial agreements Tad Litigious. Good morning Counselor, am I pronouncing that correctly?

Tad Litigious (TL) – No, Shmoe, the vee is silent.

MS – But there is no vee.

TL – That’s why it’s silent.

MS – Okay, Tad, what do I need to know about the legal aspects of marriage.

TL – Well, first off Shmoe, you’re gonna need an ironclad pre-nup before you sign up for this rodeo.

MS – Why? Lycra and I are modern people with deep empathy for each other and compatible views on life and social responsibility. I respect her as a strong independent woman and I embrace her life choices both personally and professionally.

TL – Sure you do Poindexter. But listen to Uncle Tad for a minute and I’ll set you straight on a couple of items. So, you two are on the same wavelength and believe in all the same touchy-feely talking points. Super-duper. But let’s look about five years down the road. By then little blondie over there is just a skosh less perky here and there and your network will be replacing her with the twinkie du jure. Now based on what I’ve heard from the two of you, Little Miss Muffet over there isn’t going to go into the baby raising business for you. She’s gonna shop her act around the networks and she’ll end up parked on the Home Shopping Network with the rest of the over the hill bimbos and probably putting down about a pint of gin every a.m. before curtain. My guess is you’re the kind of old boy who’ll find the twinkie du jure sort of interesting and with one thing following another, I’m guessing you’ll be calling me up and handing me a seven-figure retainer to help you switch around Mrs. Browfurroweds. Now, if you don’t have a pre-nup in place, she’ll get 85% of your stuff. If you have one she’ll get 55%. So, it’s your call. I get paid either way.

MS – Well that’s all the time we have, but I just want all our guests to know that we valued their advice and with any luck at all we will have a full and happy life as man and wife. Or as something and something and for some reasonable length of time. But for me and Lycra…

Shmoe Browfurrowed (AKA Morning Shmoe) (MS) – It’s three and a half minutes before the quarter hour and we’re back. Lycra have you heard the latest evidence about how Trump has already eliminated Steve Bannon and is about to replace him with Barney Frank.

Lycra Spandexy (LS) – No Shmoe, tell me all about it.

MS – Well it’s obvious to anyone paying attention. Trump is wearing ties. And as you all know Bannon doesn’t wear a tie. You do the math!

LS – That’s so true! Well now that Barney Frank is the virtual president what wonderful changes do you forsee?

MS – As first order of business, Melania will be eliminated as First Lady, either by divorce or deportation and Caitlyn Jenner installed in that position. Next Ivanka will begin the slow, deliberate process of becoming Ivanko. After that Trump will begin his transition which will culminate in him grabbing herself.

LS – It just writes itself, doesn’t it Shmoe?

MS – Yeah, sort of.

LS – Shmoe, what do you think caused the original loss of trust between Trump and Bannon.

MS – Well Lycra, we may never truly know but we can speculate.

LS – Can we?

MS – Oh, not only can we but we will. We’ve still got several hundred words to add before this post is full.

LS – Post?

MS – Nothing, nothing. Anyway, if you remember during the election it was rumored that Donald Trump had become a werewolf or possibly a loup garou.

LS – Yes, that was definitely a theory that swirled around the press corp.

MS – Well, I recently heard from someone (or possibly from a voice inside my head) that Bannon had become a vampire or some other type of undead.

LS – Well, that would explain a lot of things.

MS – Yes it would Lycra, yes it would. After all, if Underworld has taught us anything it’s that lycanthropes and vampires are always enemies. Also, we haven’t seen Bannon during the day recently. And he is obviously suffering from a skin condition brought on by his vampiric aversion to sunlight.

LS – Of course, why didn’t I realize this before?

MS – Because it’s only obvious after a great mind points it out.

LS – Oh Shmoe, you are wise. But where do we go from here. Now that progressives are firmly in charge of the US executive branch again what is the next order of business?

MS – There are so many Obama initiatives that are languishing and that need a few trillions of taxpayer dollars to really perk up. I would say that a new cabinet level department is the first order of business. The Department of Black Lives Matter is the unofficial name I heard mentioned (by a voice in my head) but the name is secondary. The important thing is eliminating this whole law enforcement and justice concept that has somehow infected our government for too long.

LS – Shmoe, that’s marvelous. And to think, the Trump administration hasn’t even acknowledged Bannon’s departure yet. What are they waiting for?

MS – I would guess it has to do with the cycles of the moon. Lycanthrope/vampire interactions are far from an exact science. My guess is the announcement will occur at the new moon. That’s April 26th to you normals.

LS – Shmoe, isn’t it great to be living in this best of all possible worlds?