In honeymoon/vacation-type fashion, Bo and I are taking a trip this summer. An entire two weeks of road traveling, eating fast quick food, and experiencing new things. Or rather, me experiencing the things that he knew for the first decades of his life. Like fresh fish and coastal living, calling shopping carts “buggies” and coozies “huggies.” And other things that don’t exist in Kansas. Alligators. The choice of whether tea comes in sweet or regular. Crawfish – not crawdads. And all the fresh seafood one could ever think of eating. That’s what’s on our agenda. But what if I come back with an accent? Or develop diabetes after a single sip of that ultra-sugared tea? Or call things all of the wrong words until no one knows what I’m talking about? My Yankee ways will confuse everyone, even when they are smart and helpful. Like washing dirty hats in the […]

Last week we talked about a series of #WhiteGirlProbs. Today, we wrap them up … so we can all move on like they never even happened. Or just keep laughing about it – whichever feels better at the time. After weighing some terrible options, Ginger Friend and I rented a car. In order to get home after missing our flight. On account of not wanting to spend a night in an airport or pay hundreds of dollars to take a different flight. Because of logic and my chronic lack of patience. We navigated the Internet and also the airport, until finding a PIMP deal. It was one of the few times I’ve proudly stated, “Yes I’m over 25” and meant it. A shuttle ride later, we landed near the tiny dream car that would save the day. We answered the company’s questions; we wanted to drop off our vehicle […]

In the past few weeks, I’ve made some expensive mistakes. I dropped my iPhone and shattered it into a level of non-readability. I did some accidental trick driving in the snow, and pushed my radiator support clips* into the ground, not upright and working properly. And then I missed a flight, for the first time ever. In total, the above added up to some serious mullah (I’m not counting on purpose, so don’t ask). But they’ve also required me to live like a real ratchet-ass. Like not having a car. And carrying a phone charger 24-hours a day (outlet and car versions), to juice-up my replacement phone twice per day. I walked multiple miles to a gas station to buy lotto tickets and booze, which were then stashed in my coat. In the morning time. It did wonders for my self-esteem. Really, until the third event, I was doing pretty […]

Next week I’m going to Colorado. And I’m pretty pumped about it, obviously. Except when this posts, it will be this week – or last week. Maybe the week before last – who can keep up with my writing/posting schedule anyway? Definitely not me, for the second-most obvious statement for the day. Anyway, at some point in time I went to Colorado. To see a friend with a friend. (Who I decided was going with me and booked her ticket without confirming, which tells me she should always have a work-as-requested job.) And it’s going to be one of the best times in a while. Not only because I haven’t seen Colorado friend since the last time I accidentally ran into. But also because it means it’s a vacation, which I haven’t had since October. Basically, I’m due. Sure that means the week before will have twice as much work, […]

If you’ve never had a dead mouse in your car – or any type of dead animal, really – consider yourself lucky. Like winning-the-lottery-of-not-dealing-with-disgusting-things and being-allowed-to-live-your-life-without-barf-inducing-side-effects lucky. For those non-winners, however, something else good will come your way. And quickly. Going through such a ridiculous, awful, sewageswigging slimball experience is too jumbo jerky to not have a counter. It just can’t. For starters, dead mouse(es) smell terrible. Like, imagine rotting meat terrible, but way worse. Then imagine that smell being blasted into your face, straight up your breathing/smelling airways. And the only option to get a little bit of scent relief is to turn off the heater (somewhat reducing the cooked meat smell), but also freezing in the process. Or, when your windows are fogging up, rolling the windows down, and freezing even more. Because that is the far better option. It’s like that, but every time you get in […]

Last week I got back from vacation. This week I worked. Last week was better than this week. And I want to go back to vacation immediately. Sure it was a little weird not having any responsibilities. Like any. I was thrown shade for trying to take out the trash, clients were all, “Oh you’re on vacation; we’ll talk when you get back.” I didn’t even drive except for 30 whole seconds when I moved a car. And it was pretty great. When you usually work nine hours a day, plus household chores, the opposite is, well, amazing. Which is to say doing none of those things. On a more permanent version of tripping (yes I’m scheming how to go on permanent vacation, who wouldn’t?), I’d find a way to make, say, $400 an hour and work only a few times a week. So as to not go broke. And […]

In case you missed part one, click here – where I talk about standoffish men and my attraction to long-distance relationships. Getting hit on is … weird. Especially when it’s by creeps. Where men say weird things and make bad jokes on account of trying to impress you. Meanwhile you’re wondering what happened to their social skills and who let them out of elementary school that way. So you try to get rid of them as quickly nicely as possible. There have been some classics in my day, the “No thank you, we don’t want any,” the, “Thanks for the cookie,” the “Why don’t you grab your own ass instead?” and for the super terrify-ers, a straight, “Pop off.” Each of which has had a varying range of leave-me-alone success. Because, let’s face it. You know as soon as you see the guy whether or not you’re interested. Personality can change your […]