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Friday, September 27, 2013

Do you have any weird or quirky superstitions or believe in signs from the universe ? We all know the common ones about black cats and ladders and things like that, but do you have any that are pretty specific to just you?

I am, by nature, already kinda weird and quirky, so I am sure that I have list an list of these, but I was just reminded of one...

Maybe it's not so much of a superstition, but more of a personal theory...not sure.

Anyway....

I have often said that there are certain songs that are a staple on my personal 'soundtrack to my life'. There is one song in particular that I love that I have always just had a feeling that when/if it should play when I was around someone that I have a mad crush on, that is all the sign that I need from the universe that the crush is 'the one' and that we will fall madly in love.

So, now that you know that...here is a story for you :)

A while back I was spending the day with a certain someone. We were just hanging around my house not really doing too much but chatting and listening to music. The station that I hadon plays the SONG all the time. ALL THE TIME. Like every time I have this Pandora station on, it plays. Knowing this, I made a mental note to keep an ear out for the song to come on while I was hanging out with this certain someone.

Hours went by. A nice afternoon was spent. The certain someone went home.

TWO FREAKING SONGS AFTER HE LEFT.....THE SONG CAME ON!

Looking back on it, the guy was an ass and that song would have totally been wasted on him, so....thank you, universe for taking the time to send me a sign!

I know it's silly, but I just KNOW that one day, that song will come on and it will be with the right person around to hear it too. For now....hmmm.....hope the 30 cats that I am getting ready to buy like it!

Monday, September 9, 2013

Years ago, I posted about my hatred for the term, 'hanging out'. That was later replaced with the super irritating saying, 'hooking up'. Yesterday, a whole new bundle of craptastic hit my world, 'activly fucking'.

WTF? REALLY?

What the hell does that even mean?

**For the sake of not wanting to offend anyone, I will just use AF for the rest of this post. See, I'm nice like that**

I had to give this saying some thought.

First, f******, is a verb, a doing word, so I am not sure that actively really needs to placed in front of it. Shouldn't currently be a better choice?

Second, what happens when you are not 'AF' status? Do you get switched to not actively f******, or NAF? How do you even use this in conversation? "Yeah, at the moment we are not actively f*****, can you pass the salt?" It sounds like you have been benched or something. If there were to be a fantasy sex league, would AF or NAF be categories for player???

Friday, September 6, 2013

My options for meeting people are limited.
Day job- Mostly chicks
Mom life - A few single dads, but I try and avoid that
Weekend job - I am not dating some young douche bag club dude who thinks that he is the best thing on the planet **by the way, best thing on this planet title goes to a burger when you are hungover** Just so you know.

So once again, mostly for laughs, I signed up with an online dating service.
Now...if you have read this blog, YOU KNOW that this has never ended well. EVER. NOT ONCE. But I am a slow learner and I really don't want to buys cats.. so I did it.

Signed up. Posted some pics. Filled out all the questions. Sat back and waited to see who I was going to have to block due to becoming a stalker....

Waited....
Waited some more...

Oh hey....my 'you are matched with' email is here!!!

WTF?!? ALL OF MY MATCHES ARE IN CANADA? REALLY??

Again...WTF?!?!?!

So, this is what this round of online dating has taught me.... I HAVE TO LEAVE THE FREAKING COUNTRY TO DATE!

Not too sure how I feel about this one yet. My plan at the moment is to drink enough that I am going to need that best thing in the world (burger, not club dude) when I wake up in the morning.

Friday, August 30, 2013

If you are in a car, we can see you. Unless you are in a super tinted vehicle or in the back of a creepy windowless van, we can see you.

The things people can see -

The Picker.
Yes. THE PICKER. We have all seen you. The guy with his figure lodged up in a nostril for the whole commute. Dude! I am stuck next to you on a tiny freeway. I want to look at something else. ANYTHING ELSE, but sadly, you are in my line of vision and I am stuck looking at you and wondering if you have reached brain matter yet. And then I have to wonder, does he have a tissue? What the hell is he doing with that finger if/when it comes out of his nose?

The Dancer.
*guilty*
The Dancer is the person who is rocking out THE WHOLE WAY. I personally love the dancer. I AM THE DANCER! To all the other Car Dancers out in the world, own that shit! When you get caught car dancing (and you will. Remember, we can see you) look back at the person that caught you and smile. Let them know that you know that they know and just go with it. The person will probably smile, unless they are dead inside. I follow this smile up with a mental "You're welcome. Have a great day!"

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Since I have not gotten any new knee highs in a while, and I
don’t want to post the same old photos, I decided to not post any new sock of
the day photos for a while.I got a few “NOOOO”
comments and not only did that make me laugh, but it got me thinking….what is
it with guys and the socks.I have
female friends who like the socks as well, and I love that they think of me
when they see some cool knee highs.That
I understand.The guys, nope…I don’t get
that one (but I am often clueless about sexy things).

Guys like the socks.

I will be out and run into friends and they will ask if I
have knee highs on (most often, the answer is yes). If I don’t post a photo for
a while, I will get a message asking why.There has even been talk of leaving the socks on in certain private
moments (the answer to that one is NO!I
think that’s weird).The socks have
kinda taken on a life of their own.

Guys like the socks.But I have no idea why!

Ok…I can see the whole naught school girl, knee high, short
skirt thing. Or even the short shorts, knee high thing that Chrissie was
rocking in the 1980’s on Three’s Company.Those looks can be hot.

I am not sporting those looks.Ever!

Here are some facts about the socks and sock of the day pic…

While it may look like it in some photos, I am not just
hanging around my house wearing nothing but knee highs.Sorry.I’m just not.It’s winter. It’s
cold and shit.

On that same note, I am not wearing the socks with short skirts
(catholic school girl or otherwise).Most of the time I am wearing them at work, under respectable work
cloths or with jeans and sneakers.Yup,
nothing says sexy like some argyle socks and some Chucks and or Addidas
sneakers. To me, this says, I am cold and can’t walk all that well in
heels.Or I am cold, can’t walk well in
heels and I am a dork.

I hate my legs and try and keep them covered at all times.Socks are great for that.

My socks are boring.Truth.I wear the same type of
socks all the time.Stripes. Argyle. Polka
dots.

In the sock world, I am a buttoned up Republican.

Ok…now that I have moved the curtain and let you take a peek
at the great and powerful Oz of The land
of Knee High…do you still find it all that sexy?

Maybe I should start a something else of the day pic?Something random like old school scrunchies?

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

I have been keeping a secret list.One that I am not proud of.The numbers on this list are embarrassingly
high.

This list is shameful and I am almost too embarrassed to admit
what is on this list to the world (or the 4 people that read my blog).

WHAT COULD THIS LIST BE?

The list of TV shows that I have completed over the last two
months.And not just a random show here
and there…completed the series…ON ALL OF THEM. :hangsheadinshame:

Not proud.Even less
of a proud moment when I took the time to write the list out (hey, I had to do
something while I was sitting at home watching all these shows).

THE LIST:

10 Items or less

Retired at 35

Best Food Ever

Louie

Bobs Burgers

I Married a Mobster

Sons of Tucson

Hot In Cleveland

Ink Master

Best Friends Forever

Psych

Undeclared

Parks & Rec

The League

Happily Divorced

The Exes

United States of Tara

Melisa & Joe

Jane By Design

Drop Dead Diva

Reaper

Traffic Light

BunHeads

Friends With Benefits

The Fabulous Beakman Boys

Good Guys

Baby Daddy

How to be a Gentleman

My Boys

Extreme Couponing

Friday Night Lights

Yep…still full of shame.And it’s not so much the time spent watching these shows, but the shows
themselves.Mellissa and Joey?REALLY?ACK.I can never claim to have
any street cred after admitting to that little jem.

My one and only
defense is that I don’t sleep much.And
yes, I guess I could have been using this time to figure out world peace or
find a cure for cancer, but I am pretty sure that those two things can’t be
done while wearing flannel jammies.

Friday, February 15, 2013

**For the record, I am not Catholic, so that statement is recited purely based on movies that I have seen. And based on what sort of movie, now I can either have zombies invade my town, a hit man come after me, be a part of a government cover up or fall in love with my best friend who is set to marry my sister. If I have to pick one....I'd go with the zombie invasion.

Anyway...I feel that I have sinned a whole bunch this week. And while none of my sins are really bad sins or for that matter even listed specifically in the bible, I am sure they could all be tied to something on the list. You know, the list of all the big, sit in a box with a priest kind of sins. Sloth, gluttony, wearing white after Labor Day. THE BIG SINS.

So here is my confessions (yes, I did just sing that like Usher) and they are in no particular order.

1) Within the span of 24 hours, I single handily ate a whole FAMILY sized bag of Cheetos. The.Whole.Thing. And most of that Cheetos eatin' was done while laying in bed at 3am. Sloth? Gluttony? Breaking every Weight Watchers rule known to man? Yes, yes and I am going with a third yes.

There is a good chance that the color orange with cause uncontrollable vomiting.

2) To go hand in hand with the first sin, we have my supremely unhealthy amount of sloth like laziness this past week. Pretty much I would just go home, hop in bed and sit in a comfortable Netflix high until 3:30am. Rinse and repeat for the next day. Who does that? My bed is starting to get a permanent indent from my butt. No one should spend that much time in bed unless they are ill or naked with another person.

3) Spent waaaay too much time thinking about the ex. I blame the fact that Thursday was Valentines Day and I was feeling all alone and pissed that he dumped me for someone else. He lied and cheated. I know that is goes against all bible stuff, but I don't want him to be happy... yet. Yeah....this one might fall under the self pity sin. Hey, not sleeping and having your hands turn a freakish orange color will mess with your head! I think that this one might not be a sin, but fall under the 'thou shall not covet...' listing. I'll have to do some google research or ask Siri.

4) My house. UGH. While I am not at the Horders or calling child protective services or anything, it's a pit. One of the things that I hate the most is a dirty house. It bothers me so much that since 9am today, going home and cleaning it has been pretty much the only thing that I have thought about. WHO THE HELL WANT'S TO CLEAN ON A FRIDAY NIGHT? Hmmm....maybe I am not a sinner, but mental? Again, I'll look into that.

5) Pinterest. Yes, I KNOW that this one is not in the bible. Well, I don't own a bible, so I did not double check, but I am almost 97% sure. This sin is due to the time suck that it has created in my life. So many crafts. So many recipes. So many....things that I honestly have no clue how to re create, so I am not even sure why I am looking. The only good thing that I can say about this one it, at least while I was looking at Pinterest, I was not eating Cheetos. I would hate to get my phone all covered with orange!

So....there you have it. My list of sins for the last week. I am not sure what I do next. Not sure if the hail Mary's or whatnot's count in this situation or at all for me, seeing as I am Lutheran.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Let me start by saying that I am not an angry person or vengeful. I try my best to be nice and I honestly feel bad if I hurt someone and I go about fixing whatever it was that I did immediately.

All that being said, I have been giving a lot of thought to revenge over the past few days. Pretty sure it is due to the fact that I was stuck at home in bed sick and watched a marathon of Revenge and the Soprano's...two shows that go great with a cold med high.

After watching Revenge, my main thought was, DANG....that is a whole lot of work! I am not really willing to commit the time that it would take to plan that sorta thing. And honestly, I am just too dang impatient. I get antsy with the amount of time it takes to microwave my hot pocket. Pretty sure a multi-year revenge plan would drive me insane. Oh...and I'm lazy. That girl on that show puts in some work. She has mad ninja skills. No thank you.

I am guessing that my revenge needs would be better suited with a Soprano's, break your knee caps sort of plan. They got shit done and none of them were in really all that great of shape. And it was instant! No years of planning or learning how to be a ninja required. OH....and they got to be vengeful while wearing valour track suits. SIGN ME THE HELL UP!

Ok...I kid. I would never be able to go the horse head in your bed type of revenge either. Knowing me, I would feel guilty for even thinking about it and send flowers. Yeah...I am really not the valour track suited bad ass that my DayQuill alter ego would like you to believe.

Here is the type of revenge that I would think of...(I have been playing around with this one for a while, so some of you might had heard this one already...)

CRAZY CLOWN REVENGE!

List of items that you will need:

4-6 Cars To Go
10-12 friends (depending on how many Cars To Go you get)
Clown costumes
Old doll heads (popping tags at the Goodwill? Pick up a few dolls)

Originally I was thinking Halloween, but this plan could work anytime.

Plan prep:Set up the Car To Go rental - I actually ran this plan by some Car To Go people, they have assured me that you can, maybe, put 4-5 people in one, but they could not account for the large clown shoes. Collect the Doll heads- I am guessing that you will have to remove the heads from the bodies. Or maybe you can just buy the heads? I really am not sure on this one, and buying doll heads just seems creepy, so I am going with the full doll action plan.Dress you and your fellow revenge clowns - We are talking full clown gear. Face painted white, the red nose and the colorful afro clown wig. ALL OF IT!

The plan:
Place the proper amount of clowns into each car. Make sure that each clown has a sack full of doll heads. Drive in a line to the house of the person that you are wanting to feel the wrath of your clown revenge.
*This driving all together part in important. On the way to your destination, play up the full clown thing. Wave to those driving by. Make someone laugh as you are stopped for a red light. Just because the night is built on acts of revenge does not mean that you can't spread joy as well!
Pull up in front of the house of the one who done you wrong. Single file. 4-6 Cars To Go parked on the street in front of the house.
Have all the crazy gang of clowns calmly get out of the cars and walk over to the front lawn of the house and dump the doll heads all over the place.
Calmly get back in the little tiny cars and drive away

I think that this plan would work best if the person was home. Yes, you run the risk of getting caught, but you are in your clown gear, so it would be really hard to identify you! And do you honestly think the person would call the cops?
911: What's you emergency?
Douche bag: Um, 6 clowns just showed up on my lawn and left what appears to be doll heads.
911: Sir, have you been drinking?

As you drive off to spend the night enjoying a nice Shirley temple with your jolly band of clowns, the DB is left to wonder --what the hell just happened?!? And even my personal fave-- what one of the many people that I have screwed over took the time to do this?

Ok, so this may not fall under the true category of revenge. Maybe more of a prank? All I know is, unless I can figure out a way to be a valour track suit wearing ninja, the TV show types of revenge are never going to work out for me and necessity being the mother of invention and all...

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Look at me..posting twice in one day! (I actually thought I had posted this one last week, but guess I forgot to hit publish, so I promise this double posting is not the norm)

Since I just started playing around with my blog again, I thought it would be a hoot to go back and look over some old posts. I found a post from just over a year ago that listed the awesome kick ass stuff I was going to do in 2012.

Um. No. (insert Grumpy Cat face)

Before I re-post the ghost of blogging past, let me go over a few things that DID happen in 2012...and lets hope they do not repeat in 2013 or, as I have said many times before, I'm gonna shank a bitch.

1- Unexpected, unwanted and uncool change in residencies from a house to a town house.
Moving Sucks

2- Car accident (not my fault, and no one was hurt) that lead to my car being totalled.
Car Shopping Sucks

3- Unplanned surgery (I am ok) that left me in a dazed out state of recovery for longer then I thought it would and feeling a bit like the dude from the Shinning, but without snow.
Surgery Sucks

4- Had my heart broken by someone that I have been crazy about for a very long time.
He Sucks

There you have it...the NOT TO DO LIST OF 2013!!!

Ok, so lets tackle the list of wonderfulness that was going to be 2012

December 30, 2011

It’s the end of 2011 and the
time when everyone starts making resolutions for the new year.I just can’t do this.

Look, I know that I need to
drop 20 pounds, but there is just no way that I am going to get this done in the
month of January.For one, I am lazy and
two, I have no willpower.So this
resolution is just filled with too much pressure.NO.THANK.YOU.

That being said…there is a few
things that I would like to add to my 2012 TO DO LIST (yes, I am going to add
that list here…duh)

Go to Disneyland

I am 35 and have never been.I think it is time.

**Nope. I did not make it to Disneyland. I did take a road trip down to the Redwood Forest and had a great time. So for this one, we will say I half way did it....at least I was in the same state as Disneyland. That counts for something!

Learn to golf

This one might be
dangerous as I have no skill, aim or any depth perception.Maybe I should re think this one to
just…drive the golf cart?**Nope. And now that I think about this one...it's for the best. I really do not need to be around other people hitting a ball in all sorts of random directions while hold what very well could end up being a weapon. I am good with leaving this one as is.

Sky dive

I hate heights, this seems a good
way to get over that.

**Nope. But this one is being re added to the 2013 list and I am going to do this for my birthday this year (hint - it's in July if you want to come with me).

Play some sort of team
sport

This might shock you since I seem so sporty and all, but I have never played any sort of team sport.

**YES! This one I actually did! I started playing soccer this last year. I suck. I am sure they want me to never actually show up to any of the games, but I am officially on a team. I even have my first jersey with my favorite number on the back and everything (8...in case you were wondering).

Perform as Grace at least one
last time

I have spent a lot of money on
rhinestones to not do it one last time

**YES! In Feb 2012, I got the chance to perform as Grace one last time. I showed up with not one, but two new acts. An act all about a cheating Mickey Mouse and a second act all about my one true love, Jameson. Ahhh....what a great night that was!

Experience an amazing kiss in
the rain

Yeah, random, but it’s my list, so I
get to add whateverI want.

**Nope. And this one was probably the easiest to accomplish and the one that I wanted the most. But since I spent most of 2012 being crazy about a man who was not romantic or spontaneous and for the most part hated kissing in general (PSA for the ladies-never date a man who does not like to kiss. It's ok if he is a bad kisser, you can fix that. You can't fix a non kisser. Nothing is better then a great kiss!)....there was no way I was getting that amazing kiss in the rain.

So, in true hopeless romantic fashion, I am keeping this one on the list for 2013 and I am going to keep it on the list every year until it happens. And if it does happen? I am keeping it on the list anyway. Everyone should have at least one amazing kiss in the rain at least once a year. More if you are lucky, but I don't want anyone reading this to think I am greedy!

Ok 2013, I have my rain boots and chapstick ready. You had better bring it! :)

The Heist is Cooper's new favorite CD. NO JOKE. It started off with him loving Thrift Shop so much that he went on YouTube and looked up his other videos. He also loves And We Danced, and let me tell you how funny it is to hear him sing it (complete with 1980's British accent).

I had a random Sat that was just Cooper and I, and it involved a lot of driving, so I grabbed this CD (Yeah, I am old school like that...and I have no idea how to make my phone play in my new car) and we headed out on an adventure....and played this ALL DAY LONG. (I am not gonna lie, we had fun!)
Ok, so this might not be the best music to play for an 8 year old boy. That fact is not lost on me. I know there are some bad words and some topics that he might not get, but I have always told him that if there is something that he does not understand, to ask and the bad words are fine in a song....just don't go singing it at school or while at church with Grandma!
His top songs from the CD are as follows -
Thrift Shop
White Walls
Same Love
*he also likes a few that he found on YouTube, but are not on The Heist, so he has requested that I get those on a "mix" for him ASAP. How can a mom say no to that?

So, this was Sat...ALL DAY in the car with this CD. (Yes, there was a lot of car dancing. Duh!)

Skip ahead to Sunday. I was in the living room doing something with Kel and Coop was in the kitchen. He starts singing this song, but just the part, "Time goes slow when you're drinking PBR!" Maybe it was the fact that he was really feeling it or he followed up his singing by saying to me, "Man, I need to drink some PBR. That way the weekend would go slower"...I lost it! I was laughing so hard, that I had tears rolling down my cheeks. Once I was able to talk again, I told him that PBR was beer and that he might not want to say to to anyone else.

So once again, I am here thinking about my parenting choices and thinking that some of them might not be totally conventional, but as long as my kids are good, smart, respectful and funny....I don't think that I am going to worry about it too much. But I do promise to keep the PBR away from Cooper!

**I have also done my time with the Wiggles, Raffi, Laurie Burkner and every other type of kid music. I have not always been a bad mom!

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

I have been thinking about a list of activities that I have come to call, Flaskworthy.
Ya know, like Elaine and her men that she deemed 'Spongeworthy', but my list does not include men, although there are some men that I can only be around if I am drinking, but I am trying to keep this blog (ok, this post) nice.

Flaskworthy activities -

Bathing Suit Shopping: Ok, this one should be done with a w hole bottle of whatever makes you happy, but since we don't want anyone to think we have a 'problem', a flask is a better option. During this dreaded activity, when one is feeling fat or or if they look like hell, take a swig of that there flask. You try on enough suits, and take enough sips, that you are bound to find the perfect suit....or that nice buzz you have will at least make you not care that you have a bit of junk in the trunk.

OB/GYN Appointments: Well, maybe not if you are going in for the OB part of OB/GYN, but for the GYN part...HELL YA! Look, if I have to sit on the edge of that table while wearing a half shirt of paper towels in a cold room, waiting on the MD, I might as well take a small sip from my magical flask. If nothing else it will keep the chill away while I wait and might take some of the sting away when the MD asks me if I am seeing anyone new, followed by the sad look she gives me when I say no.

Costco - Day Before ANY Holiday: I would like to work out a deal with Costco on this one. Maybe a flask with their logo on it? Hey, I'm not proud! If I am stuck walking around a store that is so packed it feels like a bus in Calcutta, I'll walk around with a Costco flask.

DMV: Take a number and take a sip. I think you could make a drinking game with this one based on how long you are stuck in the purgatory that is DMV. For instance, every time you see someone skip the line and walk to the front and get shot down and told to take a number. Here's to you douche bag! Take a sip.

Children's Parties: If it involves a bounce house, giant rodent or bad pizza; pack the flask!

Unlike the list of men that are Spongeworthy, the list of activities that are Flaskworthy are almost endless!

Monday, January 7, 2013

Hello, 2013! I just know that we are going to be best friends, unless you are like your sister, 2012. In that case, play nice, because I am ready to shank a bitch. Just saying.

Since this is my first post of 2013 (and my first post since July) I guess I should write about all the things that I am going to change in the new year, but chances are pretty good that NONE of what I write will happen (I'm lazy. I know this) so I am just not even going to waste my time with that.

Ok...small lie. At some point I might blog about getting into shape and I might post photos to track progress, or to give anyone who reads this something to laugh at. I am not sure about that one yet as it would mean that I have to actually commit to working out (see statement above about being lazy).

So what has brought be out of my blogging hibernation?

Pinterest.

Last year I watched the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show while sitting on my couch in sweats eating ice cream. I felt so beyond inadequate that it was enough to make me hate almost every tying about myself (yet not enough that I put down the ice cream. I needed comfort!). I felt short, fat, clumsy and old.
This is a bit how Pinterest makes me feel, but without physical self loathing. Pretty much it just makes me feel as if I suck at everything else in my life. Gee, THANKS!

It seems harmless enough. You sit down, open up the page and start looking at all the wonderful things that other people create or the beautiful homes that they live in. It shows photo's of amazing parties and food. Everything you could possibly think about is on this site.

Who the fuck are these people?
Who has the time?
Where are all these amazing houses?
Why is that food not being made in my kitchen?
What the hell is mod podge?

UGH...so many questions!!!!

I am going to ponder these questions while looking at random strangers boards on weddings :)

About Me

Hmmmm...what to say? There is a lot that I could say, but I will just keep it short. Mom of two great boys. Divorced, but still thinking that true love it out in the world. I spend my days in a cube trying to look like I am doing something productive. I seem to fall alot. A LOT! Kinda a goof ball. Make killer deviled eggs. Host a dang good party. Loves gin and tonics and hambugers. Hmmmm...I am sure that there is more, but I said I would keep it short!