Originally listed for sale in the Fall of 2012 for $1,850,000, price chopped, relisted a mere 11 days ago, now asking $1,798,000, this property apparently has an “expansive, unobstructed view of the City and the bay”, but that’s not all.

From the “agent only” remarks we occasionally can’t help but to share with you. It’s a “beautifully remodeled home in Diamond Heights, with the option to buy the house furnished for $2,100,000.00. Show this house blind.”

Are we the only ones that are confused by the marketing of a home that apparently has a fabulous remodel, great views, and great furniture ($302,000 worth), none of which we get to see?

Oh…hold on, hold on, hold on. It’s there…”Show this house blind“. Now we get it.

Given the recent amount of junk Realtor mail flooding our inbox, we thought it high time to see how many different ways Realtors can slice the same pie. Awards should be given, but we’ll save those for our Sexiest Realtor Contest which will begin in earnest next week (lots of pretty faces out there!).

So here is what happens. One week, we get an email that says in the subject, “Prime Noe Valley Victorian”, the next it says, “Best location Noe Valley Home”, the next it says, “Coveted Noe Valley Single Family Home”, we click on the email to open it… Alas! They’re all the same home!

The best is when we get the emails doing the same thing with the subject to trick you into clicking, but also changing the way they say “bring me a f*cking offer, I have a desperate seller here!” How many ways can YOU say the same thing?

We’ll try first:

1. Motivated Seller (As opposed to the un-motivated seller that lists his home during holidays and a global recession.)
2. Seller must sell (and agent needs the commish.)
3. Price negotiable (Aren’t all prices negotiable?)
4. Price reduced (Thatta girl! Keep it going.)
5. Bring offers (We’ll bring the punch.)
6. Amazing Tax benefits! (Ahhh…the tax advice from a Realtor.)
7. All offers welcome (Can I buy you a drink?)
8. Holiday discount! (We’re feeling it. Look under the tree son…we just bought you a house.)
9. End of year price reduction won’t last (Meaning the price will go up in January?)
10. New Reduced Price! (So is that a new price? A one time price reduction, or a new price reduction different from any previous reductions?)
11. Amazing New Price! (Different than the Amazing Original List Price.)
12. Last chance price! (Who’s chance?)
13. Lucky 13….Sellers Facing Foreclosure (which is kind of stupid, because any offers at that point will be lowballs, likely end up being below what the seller’s owe, and turn into a short sale or foreclosure anyway, but that’s a tangent and a totally different subject.)

We’re sure there are more ways to skin that, “I need to sell this bloody listing” cat, but that is just a sampling of what we see on a daily basis.

We are looking for female models for happy hour events in San Francisco.
We are a a group of Real Estate agents who entertain prospects and clients.
You will be responsible for making sure that our guests have fun and everyone makes it home safe.
These events are at resturants and bars in San Francisco where you will be entertaining prospective clients for business relationships.
You must be friendly, outgoing, and be able to drink responsibly.
We will be doing interviews this week on Thursday in Burlingame.
Do not reply if you have a drug or alcohol problem.
You will be paid $20.00 per hour for which you will be given a 1099 for.
Please send at least 3 photos to be considered. The next job will be Tues next week.

Is it just us, or do Realtors always feel they have to let the world know they wouldn’t for a second think about doing anything but working? Case in point, the Realtor voicemail.

Try this for fun. Pick a Realtor, any Realtor (preferably a “top producer”…such a bogus title, but we won’t go there), and call their voicemail. Chances are really good you’ll hear something like this:

“Hi, this is so and so, and it’s Wednesday morning at 9:00 a.m., I’ll be in and out of the office on appointments all day and checking voicemail periodically.”
Translation: My tee time is at 9:30, so I’ll get back to you in about 5 hours after my 18 holes.

Here’s another:
“Hi, this is so and so and you’ve reached my voicemail. I’m either on the phone or out with clients, so please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.”
Translation: I never go to the office, and I’m guaranteed to not be on the phone, but if I tell myself and you that I’m on the phone it makes me sound and feel busier, and I’m really not out with clients in my car in the age of the internet, I just wish I was. I think I’ll get a pedicure today.

One more:
“Hi, this is so and so, top producer 1999,2000, 2002-2009. For more information about my listings please check my website at http://www.aplusrealtor.com. If you’ve reached my voicemail I’m either on the phone or out with one of my many clients touring property, but I’m never too busy for you and your referrals. Please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible.”
Translation: Leave a message, and then read more about me and my awesomeness at http://www.imajackass.com, because I love stroking my ego. Not enough info there? Look for me plastered all over the shopping carts at your local supermarket. Aren’t my teeth so shiny and white? Never mind that my picture is 25 years old, I still got it! And how cute are my dogs!?