Long regarded as one of the South’s most cosmopolitan cities, Charlestonians have always taken pride in how they look. Apparently, our guests share this pride when they vacation in Charleston.

We caught up with Charleston native and celebrity fashion designer, Robert Pilch, that commented, “Our guests are redefining the meaning of ‘travel wardrobes’ and they are just looking fab-u-lous. We are just lovin’ all the folks with perfectly symmetrical facial features, high cheekbones, spectacular hair, darling accessories, all paired with the latest in haute couture fashion. Nothing like a beautiful man on vacation with tailored clothes, swimmer’s build, bronzed skin, and . . . Please excuse me, I’m feeling a little woozy and need to get a glass of water“.

This highly coveted award has been a yearly source of frustration for Myrtle Beach, our neighbor just 100 miles up the coast. Their 2011 ranking dropped to # 739 from last years’ # 688 (out of 740 mentioned U.S. vacation spots). Fashion insiders believe the Grand Strand’s downfall was due to their recent marketing campaign, “Visit Myrtle Beach, Where Half Shirts and Cut-Offs are Still Cool”.

Excited local fisherman gathered at the State House last night after the South Carolina General Assembly finally approved a fishing tournament at the SC Aquarium in Charleston. Anglers from all over the region have been pushing for this event since the Lowcountry attraction opened in May of 2000.

Intended to inspire conservation and to be used as an educational tool, the Aquarium is home to a variety of fish species, exotic plants, rare birds, reptiles, mammals, insects, and other wildlife creatures.

Aquarium spokesman Walter Capps hopes the event will bring an awareness of our delicate ecosystem and regional fish habitat. Charleston resident and fishing enthusiast Jamie Catoe hopes the event will bring him a freezer full of tasty fish. “We have a 70 million dollar fishing tank and they expect me to pay them money to walk around and just look at the fish? Yeah . . . . that ain’t gonna happen. But I will pay them $20 to fish. Hell, I’ll pay em $50 for a shot at that albino alligator” said Mr. Catoe. Aquarium officials claim they have no plans to have any organized hunts since many of the animals are rare and very popular with visitors.

Organizers of the fishing tournament hope to have the event scheduled by the end of the month. Aquarium officials plan to limit the fishing to just the Great Ocean Tank, a two story, 385,000 gallon saltwater “fishing hole”. Proceeds of the tournament will benefit local conservation organizations, specifically ones that preserve nature so that people can kill more animals. Further details will be available very soon.

A recent visitor is tired of only seeing old stuff in Charleston, and is demanding we get some “new stuff”. Christopher Vincent of Boca Raton, Florida will not be one of our repeat visitors. During his vacation last weekend, Mr. Vincent was very dismayed with the concentration of old, historical buildings in Charleston. Mr. Vincent commented, ”What’s up with all this old crap? Would it kill ya to get a strip mall and maybe some fast food joints around here? We got em in Florida, it’s not that difficult.”

Mr. Vincent vowed to never return to Charleston unless we get rid of our historical homes and buildings. He was obviously not aware that Charlestonians take a lot of pride in the preservation of these treasures. We realize we may not be as architecturally “progressive” as Los Angeles or New York City, but most of us are OK with that.

We caught up with Mr. Vincent after he returned home on Tuesday. We asked if he would perhaps give us a second chance and revisit our historical hometown. He replied, “Hell No I’m not coming back to that place! It’s all…old this…historical that, antique shops, cobblestone streets, antebellum houses, blah, blah, blah. Las Vegas got the message that new stuff is better than old, why can’t you people?” Then the phone line went dead, he hung up on us.

We contacted the resident expert tour company, Charleston Stroll’s, wanting to inquire if they have noticed a trend in new visitors wanting to see new stuff rather than old. Tour guide John LaVerne commented, “We have explored the possibility of a ‘Charleston Outlet Mall Tour‘ as well as a ‘Charleston Mobile Home & Garden Tour’, but our research shows they wouldn’t be very popular. Our guests tend to enjoy history, 18th century architecture, historical churches, and our quaint alleyways.”

Perhaps Charleston Strolls and the rest of our hospitality community are not listening to the needs of some of our visitors. There is obviously a type of visitor that could care less about our historical homes and would prefer to see us add some modern touches. Maybe the new wave of tourism should embrace something like, “Charleston, out with the old, in with the new”.

Charleston’s acclaimed 19th century architect Gabriel Manigault is credited with some of our most treasured historical buildings; the Joseph Manigault House, The William Blacklock House, and of course his crowning achievement, Charleston’s City Hall (circa 1801). 19th century architecture insiders are claiming that Gabriel Manigault would be veryintrigued by the latest addition to his masterpiece, two 35 foot waterslides leading from the front stoop of City Hall down to Broad Street.

Joseph P. Riley, Charleston’s long standing mayor (since 1975), is considered by many to be responsible for countless local preservation efforts and as well as this Southern town’s ultimate visionary. His recent vision obviously included a whimsical amusement ride that would help him beat the summer heat.

We tried to catch up with Mayor Riley during yesterday’s inaugural launch of the new amusement, but he was too caught up in the moment to make a statement. During his lunch break, the Mayor made 47 trips down the slide, undoubtedly having a wonderful time with his new recreational amenity. Refusing to talk with reporters, all we could hear were the sounds of running water, shrieks of laughter, and the Mayor repeatedly shouting, “Weeeeeeee, just havin’ fun!!!”.

City Hall’s new amusement ride is currently available to only the Mayor but there are rumored discussions about opening it up to locals and visitors next summer.

Read the following “Plaintiff Statement” for further details regarding Ms. Martin’s charges:

Mother Nature’s spokesperson Bill Sharp, out of their Washington DC office, commented, “We are very sorry Ms. Martin was unhappy with her experience in Charleston. We try to provide a variety of weather conditions but it’s impossible to please everybody all the time. And FYI, tell the folks down there in ‘Our Favorite City” that there’s no need to sweat hurricane season this year. With the economy in such bad shape, our storm budget is shot all to hell and we just don’t have the resources to make it happen this year. We know how y’all love to throw those ‘Hurricane Parties’ but you’ll just have to come up with another reason for a social event this September.”

Courtroom Exhibit A – Photograph of the ‘Malicious Winds at Waterfront Park’

We are located at 40 North Market Street in the heart of the historical district. Come by and meet our wonderful staff, they will be glad to help you make the most of your visit. Also available by phone 843-722-8687 or visit our website for more details.

While all our tours are based on historical facts, this blog is not. It’s purely entertainment and will hopefully provide you with a few laughs. The blog’s author is a product of the SC public education system so please do not pay attention to any grammatical or spelling mistakes.

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The Bulldog Buzz is a satirical publication of Bulldog Tours, Inc. and meant for entertainment purposes only. The Bulldog Buzz uses invented names in all its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental.