My dad was dx with stage 3b lung cancer Christmas 08. He and my mom told us,1 sister and 2 brothers, on new years. What a blow! My dad is 80 yrs old, I knew he wouldn't live forever, I thought I would be more prepared for this but I am devastated.

I tell my siblings how lucky we were to of had him for our father. What a blessing we had such a good man and he was our dad for 50 yrs.

He is getting close to the end and I can't bear to see him so weak and sometimes confused. Heck, the man was trying to water ski not to many yrs ago and still bowled weekly until last month!

I already miss him. I try to tell him how wonderful he was as a father but I end up crying and I don't want to upset him. Maybe a letter is a good idea?

This is sooo hard. I have always been very close to my dad and I don't know how....

Hi Katie, I feel so sorry for you. I too just my mom this week that's why I joined this group. I too know that no on lasts forever but when it's your family and loved ones it is soooo very hard to except. I went out the other day for the first time - I looked like a truck hit me and I didn't care - you look around at things in a different way - and you cry all the time - but everyone tells me that it is natural and that terrible feeling will pass... that terrible feeling will never pass... I will always miss her - but I did speak to her 15 mins before she passed - I don't know why I called her and insisted to speak to her - I am very lucky that we loved eachother and I did get to speak to her before she was gone . You need to be around him - tell him how you feel NOW before it is to late - before its over and you think of all the times you did have and didn't tell him... hugs, kisses and tell him.... he'll feel sad too but good that he did something good in his life and knowing that you are a good person that he brought up ... do it now ... because you never know that tomorrow you can't... Babs

We went through something similar with my father-in-law. He had terminal lung cancer. And while it was so hard to go through, I'm so appreciative we had the time to say the things we wanted to say to him.As you mentioned, it was sometimes hard for me to put the words together to actually say, so I ended up writing a letter to him, which my mother-in-law read to him a day or two before he died.

Idon't think there is a right or wrong way to deal with this. Let your heart lead you. If that means talking to him and crying, that's okay. Heck, if Iwas dying and nobody cried about it in front of me, I'd probably be mad! LOL So it's okay to show emotion.

Ilost my dad three weeks ago tomorrow. His passing was sudden and devastating and Imiss him more than Icould ever convey in words. But even this soon, Iknow life goes on and I'll be okay. Things will never be the same and it's still painful, but days keep ticking away and there are less tears.

*hugs*to you. We're here for you. Please keep us updated and let us know how you and your family are doing.

Within the 15 months, one of my best friends lost both of her parents, her ex-husband, two of his brothers, a former boyfriend and two of her lifelong friends including my husband and brother-in-law. In addition to struggling with my own grief over the passing of my husband and his sister's husband, I have been trying to console and counsel my friend through her grief. We've cried together so many times over the past year, mostly at her initiation. I think that I am coping with our losses better than she is even though my wounds are fresher. How can I help my friend get beyond and better handle her grief? She cries so much these days and I feel deep sorrow for her. What should I say or do to help her heal and move on? Do you think that grief counseling would help her? I have started to reinvent myself and do some things that I delayed earlier in life such as traveling, exercising and going back to school.

Katie,
I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I agree with the person that said it is ok to cry in front of him because the most important thing is that you are with him during this time.
This part of our lives seems to be the worst and you never "get over it" but somehow we get through it. My dad died of cancer 34 years ago and I think of all the time I spent with him in those last days and I wouldn't take anything for them. I never will get over it or move on because my dad was one of the people that helped in shaping who I am and my values. He will always be a part of me. I have never gotten over it but on any given day, something will happen that makes me think of him.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family that you will feel the love and strength of all of us who are praying for you and your family.
Blessings

Oh, Katie!!! I can feel your pain from here. I wish I could give you a hug and lend you a shoulder to cry on. I lost my mother-in-law a little over a month ago. She passed from complications of Alzheimer's. I had her move in with my husband and I back in February and I ended up being the sole/primary care giver to her. I loved her so much. It was hard watching her, those last months, slowly losing different abilities. I knew death was an impending issue with her, yet, I continued to take care of her. We had talked about her death and what should happen (as far as her possessions went). She also talked about being ready to go. She wanted to rejoin her husband, parents and all those she had lost throughout her life. She was ready to be with God whenever he chose to take her, she told me. I helped her prepare for death as much as I could. Yet, as it turned out, I hadn't prepared myself. Even in those last couple of weeks when I was being told by the hospice nurse that she was truly going, I just couldn't grasp it. Sure, I told her all the right things. I called her family in and they all said their good-byes. I had her pastor come in. She was never alone those last two weeks. She passed peacefully, here in my house, with loved ones around her. Logically, I knew she was passing, yet, emotionally, I wasn't ready. I don't think anyone can truly be ready. Yes, I know she's in a much better place and she's not hurting anymore. Yet, there's a part of me that still wants her with us. I think this is just human nature. We are selfish in that we don't want to let them go, even when they are suffering so much.
Your father is suffering, Katie. I don't need to tell you that. I think you telling him how good of a father - a man, he has been will not upset him. You need to tell him how much you love him and how you will miss him. He may have things that he wants to say to you, also. It will be hard, on both of you. Don't be afraid to show him your sorrow. He knows that he is passing and that all of you are going to mourn your loss. So, telling him will only let him know how much you care for him. Losing your father will be so difficult on you. Make sure you have told him all the things you need to while you still can, Katie. It will bring you some comfort later and probably comfort him, as well. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through now and what you will go through afterward, Katie. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you. I pray that you will find the strength and courage to get through the days ahead.

hi katei my name is anne i am 55.i have been looking after my husband terry for 16 months now.my situation is very diffurent to yours.i just had to tell you i will add your dad and your family to my prayer list.terry had a massive brain hemorrhage 6 jan 2008.which has left him severley disabled down his right side.he has got know speech and he is fed with a tube through his stomach.i am realy sorry that you and your family are suffering but remember he is still there and he can here you.so tell how much you love him and how proude you are to be his daughter.i hope this helps you godbless love anne xx

Hi Katie, My husband died from bladder cancer after a yearlong fight. Upon learning of his condition our daughter wrote the most beautiful letter to her dad. He read it and loved it so much that as the illness progressed along he would refer to that letter and never hesitated in showing it to family members. He told my daughter to be sure to read it to everyone once God called him home. Which she did at his homegoing services. This letter not only gave him strength but her also. Yes days are hard for her today as she is only 26 and was a daddy's girl. She has this to help her through and you are truly blessed to have your daddy this long. My husband died at 63yrs old we lost him July 25th 2009. We hoped for more time. Enjoy what you have left and find comfort in the time and memories you have. God Bless

Hi Katie-
I truly empathize with your feelings about your father and his declining condition. My father passed away on my sister's birthday several years ago. About two weeks before he died, he had made the decision that he no longer wanted blood transfusions to sustain him and we, as a family were ok with that as he had lived to be 86 and he was tired. The day he made his decision, I went to see him at the nursing home he was at and the first words from his mouth after I said "hi" were "I'm going to die." I looked at him and told him. "I know Dad, and it's ok." He got a very troubled look on his face and I asked him what was wrong. He tried to tell me nothing was, but I was persistant. He finally told me that he was concerned because he had always lived by the laws of the catholic church... I knew exactly where he was going with this. He had it in his mind that the Doctor was going to help him out of this world. I assured him that while the doctor would make sure he was comfortable and not in pain, that if he was going to die it would be under his own power and that nobody was going to do it for him. He immediately relaxed and was relieved. We then chose to discuss his funeral. He and my mother had pre-paid and planned for most of their desires like caskets and headstones, but we had never really discussed what they wanted. My words to him were, "This is your last big party Dad, what do you want it to be?" We then discussed the flowers he liked and what he wanted.
We made arrangements through Hospice to take him home to die and I firmly believe that he chose to die in the nursing home as he passed away just after the ambulance pulled up to take him home. I truly believe he did not want my mother to have to live in the house and be reminded every day that he died there.
When we were trying to decide what clothes to bury him in, as he and I did not talk about that, we went through several of his good clothes and finally decided that the outfit he loved to wear best was his tux. The whold family agreed and this was truly his last big celebration of his life. When my mother passed away a few years later, we buried her in her evening gown that she wore when they went out. We truly feel they are dancing together in heaven.
I don't know if this helps you, but I hope and pray your father knows how much you love him and that you are able to continue to communicate that to him.

I'm very sorry about your dad's health condition, and understand deeply what you're going through now, because I went through the same experience except that my dad only had 2 months to live after his diagnosis of terminal lung cancer and passed away early this summer. He was a man with extraordinary kindness to others. It was devastating for my family and me. I can feel your love, sadness and pain, because I miss my dad so much and am thinking of him every day. I couldn't stop crying, choking many times when talking about him until recently. All I learned is that the connection is always there, and the connection never lost. Many hugs to you, my thoughts and prayer are with you and your family, hope your dad enjoys his each day with your family. If I can be of any help, please feel free to contact me at Support@CancerPreventionDaily.com.

Aloha "Katie"---Sorry about your dad!!! Ya I remember my parents going "poof" like 10years ago & it still seems like it happened yesterday!! First my strong mom got hit with leukmia, to old for bone marrow transplant lasted the max. Dad after 2 major brain operations ended up not having a brain tumour, took a small "slip & fall" hit his head & he went "poof" 11months later "give me a break Eh" then my moms sister who lived beside her passed away from throat cancer same day as mom's did but year later to the day!!!! "God Bless" & remember the death of the righteous is no accident!!! It's a tough "gig" but you'll be O.K time heals a broken heart!!
Mahalo+++++++++++++++++"Slim Kahuna Tmax"++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

My Dad died of cancer at age 81. He had it everywhere when he was diagnosed in 2007. He died in April of 2008, so he lived a year and a few months. But what an ugly year it was for him and his 7 daughters. We took care of him to the end, and it was really hard. Our Mom, who hadn't been married to him for over 35 years, went downhill within weeks after Dad died. We just buried Mom yesterday (Nov. 21). She had Dementia really really bad the last two years. Its all ugly. If I had to chose which way to go, I wouldn't want to pick either of these.

You do at some point come to a plateau. I think its a process we all seem to go through --- and since everyone is different, the time table is different. I was decorating Dads grave every week for a while, then every month --- and now I'm not remembering to go there as often. Again --- a process. However, I have sisters who haven't been back to his grave since the funeral! I think facing it is the best way to get through things quicker --- others deal with it differently. But we had both our parents well into their 80's. We feel grateful for that because we have friends who haven't had a Mom or a Dad since they were very young.

Someone told me years ago that those who go before us are only a 'Thought' away. That helps me cope!

Hi Katie,I feel you deeply. My dad died also of cancer(lung).It was in 1992 that was his final days after remisssion for 5yrs. It was so hard watching him melt and slip away from us daily,but the real crush to me was when daughter died back in 2004 that was a blow that I thought I would never come back from. She was only 26yrs. old at the time and even though she was overweight I never thought that she would leave me so soon. She had a heart attack that was misdiagnoised and treated for heartburn. It has been almost 6yrs. come June 19 but I still sometimes cry for her. She was the love of my life both her and her brother whom I am still fortunate to have in the mist of all the unfortunate things that happen in the world today. My family is my life. My prayers are with you and may God Bless.

Hi katie, I just found this website and joined , I have colon cancer stage 4 spot on lung and on liver. I would love it if people would tell me how they feel. my husband and i have talked a little about if i can not beat this, it is hard and we both cry a lot but I know how he feels and he know how i feel aabout things. I wish I could talk to my daughter like that but i try not to go there with her cause , she is a senior in high school, and im trying to make this year one to remember the good stuff, not that her senior year her mom got cancer and all of our lives revolved round that. she graduate in may so i am waiting til then to have a talk. and if I dont beat it i would like to make some videos so that my grandkids will know that it was not my choice to go and that i will be watching over them. that is something that you and your family might want to talk to him about, he may not have thought of that cancer is scary. the thought of not being here with your family is even more scary. talk to him so you will know what he wants. I had to have that talk with my mother-in-law her kids didn't think to ask her anything like that (she and I were very close, i took care of her when she got elderly)thank goodness I did because she past away 11 months after our talk.i had sure things were as she wanted. you are lucky to have the time to say how you feel and to say goodbye. my niece(by marriage)father dropped died at work one day , she didn't get to say goodbye that she said was the hardest thing, to many things unsaid, parents know their kids love them but it sure is nice when they tell you. or tell you about something you did that really stuck with them. I will pray for your family. Jennie

My mother was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer in September 03 and told she had maybe 3 mos. She had no health insurance. She was only 61 yrs old. We started a plan of diet and supplements (including food grade hydrogen proxide) which I believe with my entire being helped her to live another year. Her tumorwas actually smaller 3 ms after the initial diagnosis. The doctors were amazed! I also drove 4 hours one way as often as possible to stay and make sure she had something to do every day. She took methadone for pain because every other pain medicine caused her to sleep all day. If not for methadone, she would not have felt well enough to get off the sofa. She had a flower garden, a vege garden and she laughed every day - I made sure of it even when I wasn't there. We talked at least an hour a day by phone. I tried to keep her mind focused on living and not on the fact she was dying in front of us. She had one last year that was truly a full active life. There is so much out there, if you look. And the stigma attached to methadone is absolutely AWFUL! If not for that pain med., she would have suffered so much that I know she would have let herself go much sooner. The tumor increased in size after she stopped the Food grade Hydrogen peroxide. She had surgery and the doctor who went in to place a stent, cut the tumor and left it inside her to pass through from her pancreas through her entire digestive tract. She actually passed it in a bowel movement. Needless to say, 2-3 wks later she had cancer spread through the rest of that part of her body. After that, she lasted 10 more days. It was a difficult end, she refused to close her eyes. Even slept with her eyes open. The hospice nurses were amazed. She had such a will to live. My brother was with her whn she went at midight on Aug 17, 2004. Exactly 11 mos after the diagnosis. Doctors don't know everything. Do research and then more research. Knowledge is power. She had stage 3 pancreatic cancer with 3 mos and lived to prove the"specialist" wrong. And that surgeon who left a tumor to pass through her? I can't bring myself to comment any further.

I have read about a diet created by a 90 yr old woman dctor that is a hel for cancer patients. Also they cannot eat sugar. Sugar causes cells to multiply. Educaion is key. But you have to have cooperation as well.

can you give me anymore info on how to find this diet or what the ladies name is? I do try to educate myself has much as i can.I keep an open mind about all that I read. There is little that I wont try if there is a chance it might work. I have never be one who just says ok to what the doctors tell me. I do lots of searches for any answers. thanks for any info you can give. Jennie

My Mom passed in 2004, which is why I couldn't remember the name of the diet. But, I still have the info. I wll find it and get it asap. I know she was a doctor who had developed and used this diet successufully for yrs. She was in her late 80's or maybe 90's back then. I do remember that it had to do with grape seeds from natural blue grapes. The seeds are important. Also, flax seeds, low-fat cottage cheese combined in the mornings. She also bought a juicer and juiced fresh veges 2 x a day. And NO SUGAR !! You can find food grade hydrogen peroxide online and also at quality heath food stores. I honestly believe that the combination of it all was working but the key element was the peroxide. She just got so tired of the diet and strict regimen you know? She always had a huge sweet tooth. I remember everyday before she was diagnosed, she would eat sweet rolls, sticky buns, homemadecandy chocolate. She missed that. But we stll had fresh cucumber salad and tomatoes that last summer.

The diet info is in a book. I'm not sure about rules here about referring to something that is for sale but this book has great valid info for any type of cancer and is wat I would get asap if I or another were diagnosed. Just search for "Cure Your Cancer". The author is Bill Henderson. He learned by losing his wife. Now he dose the research and puts it in a book.

Hello, I just joined this website today. I am reading many of the replies and crying. I lost my 75 yr old father last July 7th, 2009, after a short battle with cancer. Around a year ago, he started having shoulder pain, they sent him to physical therapy thinking he injured it somehow.

After that he had tests in May and the doctor said the word noone wants to hear CANCER and the prognosis is not good. It was in the bone with spreading to the lung. Eight months thats what they gave him. He went through radiation and one chemo treatment. My mother took very good care of him at home where he passed away, she was by his side when he took his last breath. When he was in hospital during the day, I was with him alone and told him how very much I loved him, so glad I had that chance.

Up until the diagnosis he was healthy, and seemed he would live many more years. My parents had celebrated their 50th anniversary the past August.
I guess life is so uncertain, and we need to cherish each day with our loved ones.

He was such a good father and husband to my mother all these year, I truly miss him.

I just joined this website hoping to share my story and maybe talk to people who's lives have been affected by this. My mom is in the last stages of alezhemir's and I find it hard to deal with to cope and understand. I can't stop crying I Looked after her at home while my dad was in the hospital when she was first started signs and was unable to stay alone this all in 2004. Doctors say her case progressed to fast. We put her in a home which was the hardest thing to do. She then was transfered to the Royal for more treatment. I READ the pray above and keep hoping to be able to cope. People say I do everything I can and live my life,but when I try my thoughts come back to my mom. I lost my dad a year ago and never had a chance to say good-bye. which was another great loss. The last 18 mths have been terrible. My mom can no longer walk speak or feed her self,. I have lost my mom and my best friend. i worked with her for 20 years and had a special relationship .I go see her and when I leave i try to be strong but cry all the way home. I feel empty inside and I miss her,I feel as if my heart is broken. My mom was a very proud lady and to see her life come to this at an early age breaks my heart. I cry and pray thats all I can do and hope to talk to people who are going through the same situation.

To watch someone you love in this state has made me ill. I have severe RA and try to visit her as much as I can. Knowing she is in a nursery home and not knowing what is going on when I am unable to go is hard to take.I pray for people in the same situation that God gives them the ability to cope. as I am trying. The one thing that does make me feel a bit better is that we visit her as much as we can,its just my sister and myself with no aunts or uncles. I stumbled onto this website at 3;00 in the morning when I couldn't sleep thinking about my mom.
God Bless everyone going through there own battles.

MayI say that we all that have lovedand lost a love one grive with you. I lost my grandmother 26 years ago and it seem like yesterday, however,I had to stop crying,because I wanted her to move on and knowing that she loved me so would keep her from making her journey.
SoI say to you,youhave been blessed. Now that you know what to expect you have the oportunity to do all the things for your dad that you want to do.to let him know how much he is loved and honored while he can hear you and see you and feel you....some dont have it like you...we will all leave this planet...some want to leave before time and some would like to be prepared and some of us never get the chance to say the things that we feel. Katie cry if you must grive but also let go when time to allow your Dad to move on his journey,he will always be in your heart & mind. At this time you may not understand but its important that we allow them to transcend to the other plane,You will be able to smile again one day. May God bless you and your family and comfort you in your time of need. Take it from someone that has lost 5 siblings and father,grandmother,it doesn'tget better but it
getseasier to remember.
Ayesha,

I just lost my Grandma on April 23 after a very short struggle with lung cancer. She was hospitalized on April 17 and sedated for her pain. A biopsy was done on the 19th after a mass was discovered in her right lung. It was small cell carcinoma. She was able to return home for 2 days full of long talks and laughter.

Then on April 21 she was readmitted to the hospital in severe pain and sedated. This time they transferred her to the acute care portion of the hospice unit (meaning that they were still attempting some type of treatment at this point). Then the next day they moved her to the full hospice portion of the unit and stopped all attempts to bring her out of sedation as well as any other care (no blood pressure, no insulin or checking her blood sugar etc).

I spent the entire week either at my grandma's talking with her for the 2 days that she was able to be conscious, or in the hospital sitting by her bedside trying to stop my tears. The only time I stepped away was to go to church on Friday afternoon. Mass was from Noon until 1pm. My grandma passed away at 1pm, when I got back to my car in the church parking lot there was a text message from my aunt asking me to go pick up my cousin from school. I knew then that Gram had passed.

I regret that I spent so much time crying over seeing her slip away that I didn't really try to say goodbye...and then I left the hospital and wasn't there when she left us. But perhaps she came to church with me and waited until mass was finished before she went to be with God. It could explain the candle that extinguished itself right at the end of the service without anyone being around it and no windows being open at the time.

It just seems so unreal that she could be telling me stories and laughing on Wednesday and be gone Friday just like that. All I have to do is think of everything I'd like to be able to tell her about right now and I'm instantly in tears.

I read these and my heart goes out to all. My father passed away over 30 years ago and I still miss him.

However, I'm replying to your message because it appears we have more in common. My 55 year old husband just had a massive stroke on the left side of his brain which affected his right side. He was paralyzed. Luckily, he can walk w and w/o a cane, little use of right arm and hand, and cannot speak. I cry every single day. I cannot believe this is now our lives yet I know I have alot to be thankful for because my husband can walk and gets around pretty well and has a wonderful attitude.

I feel like I'm drowning in tears and probably will be for a long time

hi marcha L i to cant stop crying it is 2 years 4 months since terrys stroke.terry still has no movment on right side and still no speech.he is starting to understand moore of what we say to him,he is also starting to work with the physio which is really good.that alone has taken 12 months it is a long hard road ahead.and it is a slow prosses but with hard work i will do my best to get terry hopefully back to some normality.were do you live marcha we live in liverpool.have you ever heard of stroke talk survivors i am on that forum and they are a lovley group of people.it is for carers as well as stroke survivors i will keep in touch with you so we can see how are husbands are getting on and for us both to have someone in the same position take care love anne x

i personally was able to windsurf till the age of 51 when i got a stroke,now it looks different but first of all let me tell you katie that i am sincerely sorry for your loss but crying is a sure sign of a sincere nature of a human being and i am sure it is a sign of true love and only through it a clear message is felt and appreciated by your deceissed father wherever he is and be sure that it makes him feel much better in his new world , may god bless us all

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