This 31-part series chronicles why each team is going to be a dumpster fire in the 2018-2019 NHL season. Progressing alphabetically, three teams will be featured weekly during the off-season. A compendium 31-part series will be published by Hockey Doc (@RealHockeyDoc) on www.BeerLeagueTalk.com on why your team is going to be competitive in the 2018-2019 NHL season.

You guys member that shit? Of course you fucking do, if you don’t, I feel sorry for your deprived childhood and I blame your parents.

The Mighty Ducks movie was released on October 2, 1992. The next season the Anaheim Mighty Ducks took the ice in their inaugural season. You heard me. There is a professional hockey team that plays in the most competitive league in the world created AFTER a movie about some hard up kids who just wanted to play the best game in the world with a degenerate coach, who was also a lawyer.

In the 2006-2007 season “The Mighty Ducks” got a rebrand due to Disney selling them (cuz no one watches hockey) to Henry and Susan Samueli and emerged the “Anaheim Ducks” AND the 2006-2007 Stanley Cup Champions. Suck it Disney.

That was the last time the Ducks were relevant.

With an average roster age of almost 28 in the 2018-2019 season, the top players are gonna need walkers to get on the fucking ice. Getzlaf, Perry, Cogliano, and Kesler – 4 of their top 6 – are all north of 30. What was once considered the “best line in hockey” is now geriatric as fuck. The Getzlaf/Perry combo is regressing faster than Getzlaf’s hairline. Both these players won the Stanley Cup their rookie year…did you know that? Yeah, at this point it seems a moot point. Kesler, who is still struggling with a bum hip (probably osteoporosis) is just one header into the opposing teams goalie (his specialty) from retirement. Having to play in the Pacific Division is only going to exasperate the problems of this aging team as the entire Western Conference plays a heavy game. Hey, at least the plane ride home will be short after all those losses so the superstars can catch Jeopardy, drink some warm milk, and get to bed.

After getting swept in the first round of the 2017-2018 playoffs by the San Jose Sharks management thought it was a great idea to lock 28 year old Adam Henrique for 5 years at around $5.8 mill per year. Jesus, that move has the infamous Red Wings “just be good enough to make the playoffs” strategy all over it. At least they also signed Luke Schenn (28 years young) for a year and Carter Rowney (29 years young) for 3 fucking years! At this point I’m convinced the Ducks are trying to get older and more clapped out. I mean, while John Gibson is still 25 his back up, Ryan Miller, is 38!

Old School Randy may have changed his style a bit to accommodate the divas on the Ducks squad but he still can’t get these shitheads to score on the power play. And let’s be real, he had to change things up after a paltry 4 years in Toronto highlighted by a (now Ducks signature) game 7 loss to the Bruins and a Winter Classic Game that they actually won in a shootout. Carlyle’s coaching combined with all the great moves management is making, clutching to “veterans” (read: “old mofuckas”) and a chronically under-performing roster are going to meld into a pungent shit stew when held over the flames of an 82 game season.