Today over at The Cut, they're featuring the first-hand account of a Hollywood personal assistant who has a lot of particularly damning things to say about a former celebrity boss. It's all pretty juicy except — UN PROBLEMO — the entire thing is anonymous and you never get to find out what famous person she's talking about.

UGH, THE CURIOSITY. IT BUUUUURNS.

Some of the more scintillating and gossip-y bits from the piece include the time the celebrity had her assistant break up with her famous, co-star boyfriend for her:

I broke up with a very prominent actor boyfriend of hers. She said, "Oh, we're done making a movie together; it's not really going to work; I'm sort of seeing somebody else. Could you just tell him to back off and leave me alone?" And she said this over the phone, over Christmas. She told me, "Accept the date on my behalf. Take the date. Go instead of me." So, that's what I did. You would think sending a text is the worst — no. Sending your assistant to break up with him is the worst.

And another incident where she called the assistant during her time off because she needed someone to drive her to an emergency psychic appointment:

Once I got called in as an emergency because she said, "I need to see my therapist." So I had to leave my family and drive over and pick her up, because she was like, "After therapy, I can't drive." That's fine, I get it: So she's in with the therapist, and I'm sitting there in the car, reading, and I remember seeing the therapist's name — but she wasn't a therapist. Oh no. She was a palm reader. She was a palm reader that we got a discount for in the gift bag at an awards show. She was a psychic.

AND then there was the occasion when she had her assistant unwittingly smuggle drugs for her on an airplane:

I started to check all the details on the things I had to do for her. Like when I had to go to pick up her quote-unquote "herbs" — I didn't realize until then: Oh crap, I'm a drug runner. She said "herbs" because she was being holistic, and I was naïve and thought it was something herbal to help her calm down. Once when we went to a film festival, I flew out early so I could lay out the clothes she would wear. When she got in, she was like, "Did you get my stuff?" What stuff? "Oh, I put some stuff in your bag." Oh my God, I went on a fucking plane carrying drugs for you? I could have gotten arrested! You could have at least told me so I knew what I was doing, and put it in the bag that's not checked! What are you doing to me?

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So who could the mystery celebrity be? From the original post, we know she has a child, has had high profile relationships (at least one with a co-star), smokes a lot of weed and is known for being difficult by those in the industry.

My guesses:

Joanna Gleason

The ghost of the Black Dahlia

Sally Field

That girl who plays Prim in The Hunger Games

I'm pretty sure at least one of those is right, but still, feel free to speculate.