Ideas to challange your mind

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In a time of great gnashing of teeth there will be prophets risen up to give the nations words of infinite wisdom.

Until then I will breach the gap and engage you, poor reader. I feel that this is a time where large great ideas are not only missing; it is as if even the memories of such ideas are pale echoes of ghosts past. To hopefully raise those ghosts from the grave, I give voice to ideas so revolutionary that they will be initially scoffed at, but after careful consideration might be ensconced in the Constitution of these United States of America, or at least a small spot on one of the myriad of talk shows that make up democratic discourse in this nation.

The Foolish Prophet has had two things distract him from delivering more mind opening ideas to you, the gracious reader. The first is I am now in possession of a new human being who takes up more time than one should for her size. Secondly I have been waiting by the phone for the governments of the world to contact me for ideas about the missing Malaysian airliner. The Foolish Prophet has been disappointed in the unwillingness of the leaders of the world to consult with me on the matter. Alas, they are worse off without it. I have decided that you, eager reader, deserve your share of world expanding ideas that only the Foolish Prophet can provide. This is the least I can do.

I was trying to come up with a big problem, one that the Foolish Prophet could really sink his teeth into. I thought about global warming due to excess cow flatulence, but the answer to that is to eat more steak, but that would lead to problems of steak sauce production. I haven’t developed a good enough steak sauce to corner the market yet, so that one has to wait. I finally came up with something better. We are about to have a problem with old people. This problem, we have been told, will bankrupt this nation and drive up the costs of prunes to a point of no return. The Foolish Prophet has devised a clever solution that will make this problem wither and die. Oh yes, I did just do that… and more.

As I see it dutiful readers, we have a few problems that the population getting older causes. We will have a drain on resources as the newly elderly retire and move onto social security, Medicare, and greeter jobs at Wal-Mart. One of these alone could topple all of western society as we know it, but put all three together and you have three bad things to deal with at the same time. (See what I did there. I knew you would be panicking and couldn’t handle a hyperbole, simile, or even an adverb, so I kept it simple. I am here for you faithful reader!)

How do we get past this triumvirate of terror? No, we don’t kill the old folks. Shame on you! Euthanasia should be a name of a Yanni tribute band, not a viable solution to save this great land of ours before it goes over the Niagara Falls of destruction. No! What we need to do is enable our older folks such that they don’t become the burden we worry about, but instead an economic engine and a source of beatnik poetry.

How do we do this without killing them? The answer is simple, legalized drugs. Not just marijuana, but everything. Crack, smack, patty whack, LSD, ecstasy, and cotton candy, the sky is the limit. The only way you get them legally is to show your social security card. For anyone of a lesser age they would still carry the same penalties as they do today. There are so many benefits to this program that once understood there is no going back. Let the Foolish Prophet explain them to you.

First off, what are we worried about the baby boom generation? We are worried they will live too long. We know drugs help solve this problem. Shortening their lives at this point helps save resources for the people working to keep the newly elderly alive and eating ramen noodles every day. This comes with a benefit to the elderly. They get to relive the sixties again where a lot of these drugs ran hot and cold from the taps. They could live in a permanent flash back. Would you really take that away from them in their golden years?

Now one of the most important benefits my observant readers. The cost of prescriptions is going through the roof. Seniors need to decide should they buy their medications or eat two meals a week of Raman. This is no way to live. Legalizing drugs for seniors will drive the costs of these formally illegal drugs to plunge through the floor. This would enable grandma to get high, and eat ramen four times a week. That is a win-win. Also a lot of pains that are felt by the elderly would cease to be an issue. What about addiction you say. Yes I heard you say it, even if you didn’t. I ask you this. When you are on the short end of the life expectancy stick, wouldn’t you rather take a few more pharmaceutical risks? Have some fun in your own mind because you induced it yourself? Medicaid would thank you since these drugs would be much less costly. Therefore we now have one more government program that won’t be a burden.

You might ask about the costs to the elderly when they develop addictions. Where are they going to find the money as the habit costs more and more? You say, “Foolish Prophet, you scandalize the cost of prescription drugs, but eventually that crack habit will get too costly for my great aunt, what then?” Well, great aunt could then become a drug dealer. She will be able to undercut the local gang easily, and bring in enough money to keep her habit and her network in supplies for a few years. This is impossible you say. Well did you watch Breaking Bad? That was a chemistry teacher who had to make his own product. Your great aunt would have a cheap supplier and we both know she can throw a mean shoe, so she would be able to handle herself. If not, buy her a shotgun for her birthday instead of some cheap throw pillow in a color that sort of goes with her furniture, but really doesn’t and you know that, but you saw it five minutes before going over to her house three days after her birthday. (Whew, that was a long run-on sentence, but I needed to get that off my chest.) Now you can be much closer to her since she won’t just be your great aunt, but your dealer. Maybe she will even give you a family discount.

The Foolish Prophet has a hidden bonus that I will reveal to you, but only you. We could study the effects of legalizing drugs to see if we can move the age limit lower, just like AARP. My eight year old daughter just got a membership card. How low we have fallen. We know what a drain drugs are as we fight a war we can never win. What would happen if we let Pandora out of her sleeping bag? (Pandora is a woman who kept hope to herself. Don’t believe what you read about her. She is never letting hope go.) Maybe we can finally answer that question, at least with a part of the population who is not our future.

Lastly, every senior on this program would fail the pee in the cup test, which would free up lose sweet greeter jobs at Wal-Mart. You wouldn’t want high old men driving those carts down the aisle, hitting young ladies while trying to scoop them up into the basket on the front. It never works Grandpa! Trust me, I know. Okay maybe I don’t really know and have just fantasized about it! Don’t judge me. Go back to doing crack old man!

So I tell you again, legalize drugs for our seniors. It will give them the push they need, and we will get to keep our economy slowly slipping into the deep end instead of diving in and dolphin kicking straight to the bottom without stopping and hitting its head. It will help ease the pain of growing old, give Medicare a breather, and allow for all of us to have a chance to be a greeter at Wal-Mart. What more could a Foolish Prophet ask for?

Once again faithful readers, the Foolish Prophet has decided to weigh in on an important subject that effects millions of Americans every single day. No, it is not the latest petition to kick Justin Bieber out of the country (I believe Canada has already closed its borders and is threatening no more exporting of Labaat’s Blue if we ship Bieber back. What to do, what to do?) This is a question of great national importance. What should we do about TSA?

There is great heated debate about this topic. The taking off of shoes, the naked pictures, and the answering of personal questions in front of large groups of people can make anyone uncomfortable. Now there are benefits to the public. We can take some comfort that there are systems in place to try to stop another air hijacking tragedy. On top of that, the Foolish Prophet doesn’t mind the occasional friendly crotch grab either. (Thank you, Miguel. It was great for me, but you still owe me dinner.) Still there are calls for the disbandment of the organization. There are claims that the process costs too much, that at best the TSA is security theater, and the extra time needed for travel is a waste of said time. These allegations are serious, and to that end the Foolish Prophet has thought long and hard as to how to alleviate the problems (waste of time), while enhancing the positive of the experience (crotch grabs). This has led your Foolish Prophet to formulate Great Idea #5.

We will institute the Affordable Care Act, or Obamacare depending if you are on the groom or bride’s side of the aisle, into the TSA. That’s right my faithful readers. When you go for an airplane ride, you will get a free medical exam. Where else do you get seen naked, asked very personal questions, and get your body parts groped and prodded. This is a marriage made in some heaven somewhere. The government will bring doctors to every airport in the country to conduct basic exams on every passenger before boarding. This will work because as we speak all medical records are being digitized to be portable between health care providers. Now you will be able to use your insurance cards and dental records as proof of who you are. Think of all the benefits.

The first benefit is the ability to have a healthier society. Right now people do not use preventative care as much as they should. Early detection of high blood pressure, diabetes, and venereal diseases will deliver on the promise of keeping health care costs under control. This is especially true for the typical business traveler who is sedentary a good chunk of time. A constant drumming into them about their cholesterol can only help it sink in. I’m sure there is a statistic about how almost every person flies a plane once a year or something. The Foolish Prophet is also sure there must be a statistic about how most people do not see their doctor once a year. Therefore witches float! (For those who do not get this reference watch Monty Python and the Holy Grail right now. No really. That joke is that good.)

The second benefit to Great Idea #5 is an increased security at the airport. It is harder to hide explosives when all your items, including your undies, are put through bomb detection equipment, drug sniffers, and dry cleaning before given back to the patient. With a general physical an additional benefit could be a random test or procedure thrown in. The patient is less likely to be smuggling illegal or explosive substances in their rectum after a proctology exam. If you are innocent of any wrong doing, you can be given a lollipop and some stickers for your trouble.

The Foolish Prophet even sees a time where the hospital is located at the airport. This gives the authorities to react quicker when a plane full of SARS comes in on runway 10N. Also, relatives and loved ones coming into town to visit the sick would never have to leave the airport complex. How convenient is that? Also there are lots of parking lots and buses to take you to and fro, not to mention a lot of hotels nearby. See, the Foolish Prophet is making sense.

Before you say, “No thank you, Foolish Prophet. You have gone too far on this one.”, I want you to think about this. How much is saving just one life worth? We have spent tens of millions of dollars for each person lost to the tragedy of terror in our skies. With this plan, at least you would get a clearer picture of our health and a plan to combat our aging and decaying physical shells, or at least healthcare theater.

Greetings faithful readers, the Foolish Prophet is once again here to bring light to darkness in the form of a flash grenade. The light doesn’t stay long, but it does give a lasting impression. I am writing this right now from just outside Sochi. By right outside I mean five thousand eighty two miles, which by interstellar travel is practically the same point. The Olympic competition is inspiring. Watching individuals and teams push each other to achieve the very best possible has gotten the Foolish Prophet thinking. We both know what that means. Yes dear reader, I have had a vision of another Great Idea.

Competition is supposed to bring out the best of a person, allowing them to show the world what they are made of. I am pretty sure the answer to that question is lots of carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen, with some other pieces thrown in like sugar and spice and worms depending on whom we are talking about. So if competition is that good, then why not apply it to a critical vocation, something that effects every aspect of our life, or so they want us to believe. No, I am not talking about movie stars. I am talking of the other vocation that depends on popularity, politicians.

Now I am not advocating that politicians should compete in Olympic style sports to get elected. That would be strictly a spectacle, and probably not a grand one at that. The Foolish Prophet always strives not for spectacle, but results, and so this Great Idea will pack results like a road warrior packs a suitcase. What we need is a way to reform the political system so only qualified people are elected to office, not just ones who are popular or able to spend the most. How do you do that you wonder? Read on and be awakened.

Currently we have, in America, politicians raising money by asking those with money to give it to them. The giver might give the money because they believe that the politician deserves the job, or it might be that by giving the money the giver sees this as a way to gain access to the political process. This given money is then spent by the politician to attempt to become more popular than their opponent. There have been attempts to limit this asking for money by doing public financing. The government gives the politician money to spend in the popularity contest. While this makes the giver’s motive irrelevant, it is just an option. Most politicians pass the option of public funding up like the tofu platter at Big Mike’s Steakhouse. They can raise far more money than that provided through public financing. My goal is to lure competent politicians to take the public funding, and make it highly unlikely that someone would pass this offer up.

The Great Idea is to make politicians play a Jeopardy style game. The topics would be selected from areas the politician would be expected to write or vote on. Sample topics could be ‘Woman’s Reproductive Systems’, ‘Middle Eastern Policy’, and ‘He Should Have Kept It in His Pants’ (HSHPIHP for short.) There are many benefits for such a system. The first is a politician would have to honestly give the question, not the talking point they wanted to push. The Foolish Prophet hates when someone is asked about something difficult like, ‘How would they defend Taiwan from an invasion from China?’ and they answer with how that would be a difficult decision. The politician would then go on about the impact on the budget, and then how they are against hiking taxes to pay for pink mittens to be handed out to the homeless. (Check out Big Idea #3 for why this response is so bad.) It gets infuriating. You cannot answer with double speak on a game show, or you lose the points. Also you will look like a third grader playing the game with Watson the Jeopardy super computer and master of the universe.

The second benefit is that we the people would know if the politician had half a brain in their head. As of today I am not sure many of them know what they are voting on over half the time. If a politician ran the category of ‘Evolution, Truth or Dare’ I might feel better that they could weigh in intelligently on legislation about evolution. If they couldn’t even find their buzzer on ‘Free Trade Agreements’ then I don’t want to hear them taking up precious time trying to defend their position on free trade with the Martians, even if they use say red is the new black.

The third benefit is that it would replace the debating system that focuses on mostly the main two parties (most boring parties I have ever been to by the way, but I digress) and allow the fringes to submit their candidates into a chance to win. I would love to see Jimmy McMillan from the Rent is Too Damn High Party have a chance to go toe to toe with Hillary Clinton and Jerry McGuire. Oops, not Tom Cruise, but Ted Cruz. Eh, the Foolish Prophet can’t be right all the time, or was I? This opening up of the political process would be a shot in the arm for this tired republic, all hail Watson.

Why would a politician participate in a game where humiliation is just around the corner and they can raise as much money as they can convince people to give it to them? Simple. The person who wins the competition gets public funds matching the funding their competitor has. That’s right. You’re competition can keep raising money, going to fund raisers, working the crowd, but you can just campaign. They work hard for their money, but you just have to campaign as an equal amount goes into your account. That is the brilliant equalizer for someone who is smart enough to make it through the Jeopardy gauntlet. We then have a chance of having competent legislators who are not beholden to those few that gave them money, but to the masses who bought and paid for them in full.

The Foolish Prophet promised you another Great Idea; that of a way to combat homelessness. I am late on this promise because I worried about invading the life of those I wish to help. Therefore I went on a walk about to do some soul searching. I was trying to give the homeless a new life, so I worked on discovering the meaning of life. I was unsuccessful, but I did find a lovely cereal that has a lot of varieties. That was just like life, minus the extra cinnamon sugar. Maybe I was starting to see a glimpse of what I was questing for. Maybe things that are labeled life might have insight on life. (Yes, I know, a great idea, but really only one with little letters. The Great Idea is coming.) I soon played the game of Life. The great spinner knows all, including that college track and doctor career path. Two things did put a hole in my theory. As a doctor, admittedly not a medical one, I do not make anywhere near the salary predicted. The second was the great Ouija wheel predicted I will have many children. I while I wanted to believe the great spinner of knowledge, it could never be correct because I am incapable of producing blue children. Sorry, no Smurf blood here. If I ever do, Mrs. Foolish Prophet has some explaining to do.

Okay, sorry, I was sidetracked, and so are the homeless around us. They are sidetracked from mainstream society. (See what I did there. I wasn’t lost, just bringing you back from a long trip about life. Yes, the Foolish Prophet is that good.) We need a way to make them a part of the conversation, not shuffled under an overpass where they are hardly able to get enough to eat. They stay awake at night, shivering as they use their cardboard to write poetry for me to read on the way to work. “Will work for food” is some of the best poetry written since it speaks to core needs of humanity.

Sorry to drop a serious bomb there. It had to happen. I almost just left the microphone and walked off stage, but then I realized the Foolish Prophet had not even gotten to his Great Idea. Okay, we need to draw attention, and in such a way the public doesn’t just turn the channel. That’s when it hit me. What do people love to do the most these days? Okay, sex is not the answer I was looking for. Okay, sports ranks up there as well, but let’s face it. We immortalize those that can play a GAME and ENTERTAIN us. We throw money at them and spend a lot of time wondering what their next haircut will look like. It is insane. Okay, back to what people love. You in the back, yeah you. Give that person a gold star, reality TV. The Amazing Race, The Sing Off, Big Brother, Kitchen Makeover, and the granddaddy Survivor, the sports games of the masses. Once again, their importance is minor and we throw money and eyeballs at them because they give us drama.

Okay, finally the Great Idea, we put the homeless on reality TV. Hear me out and you will see the true genius this is. The masses (you know who you are) love watching drama. What causes more drama than where your next meal is coming from? You want people in each other’s faces? Have you ever seen two people fighting over a ratty coat that might help on that really cold night? This is reality TV in its purest form. Let me beak it down and show you how this will work.

Every city of some size has a graveyard to manufacturing, be it warehouses or factories left vacant and boarded up. This will be the places we will hold our TV show. The homeless gain from having a real roof over their heads. Cameras can be placed all over the place. You can watch the homeless in your very own city. You might recognize the veteran you didn’t want to give money to this morning on your way to work. You can find out that he really doesn’t like the woman who talks to herself and wears her underwear on the outside of her pants. You always wanted to know why that was the case, well now you can and not have to worry about being seen talking to one of “them”. Local advertisers as well as the big boys nationally will be fighting for pieces of this pie. Imagine the chances for product placement. That product placement will help with those homeless on the show. Part of the revenue from the advertising will pay for upgrading the facilities as well as pay for health care and job training. We need to help these people climb out of their predicament to make room for the next contestants. No season, no all stars, just reality all the time. We can wire it up to the internet 24/7.

The Foolish Prophet feels this would be the ultimate must see TV. Anyone who disagrees just needs to remember how people cannot hope but stare at an accident as they drive by. They want to know all about what they are seeing. This will happen to our homeless. Maybe some will even reach out and adopt some of the homeless to learn just who they are and why they became homeless. The homeless problem will never be fixed until we see it is a problem every day. This does that and so much more! You even get to be entertained.

Next Big Idea will be kept secret till next time. I remind you if you have a problem you would like the Foolish Prophet to apply himself to, just leave it in the comments below. It doesn’t need to be your own problem (But we both know better, right?), just one you think needs a Great Idea.

My dear readers, today at Big Ideas headquarters located on an iceberg in the South Atlantic we have decided to attempt to talk about guns in the American society. It was either that or perfect our doggy paddle, but since we will get to do that soon enough we will focus on guns and their place in our society. As the Foolish Prophet, I can see the future at times. With such a controversial topic, you dear reader must wonder how I will be able to give hope to both sides of this argument without backlash from those on either side of the gun freedom / gun control argument. I honestly will not try to do any such thing. I will just give birth to an idea and see if anybody will care and feed for her. I will point out, like any birth bringing forth the idea was messy and involved people sticking things into places best left for a really creepy after school special.

First let us have a ridiculously simple statement of an extremely complex problem. People use guns to hurt other people, most of the time without the person who is getting hurt consent. This can create tragedies that a whole nation mourns. There is nothing funny about that. After such tragedies we are left stumbling around wondering what an appropriate response is so we do not bury our children. What becomes difficult is we have a right to bear arms enshrined in the very document that created the United States of America. Once again this is a serious topic and it might be the last time I am serious here, so please skip the rest of this post if you are in a place to be offended. I do have some real points to be made in the next paragraph(s), but I am the Foolish Prophet and fools go where the smart and brave fear to tread.

I want to rephrase the problem. We have guns in the hands of people that should not have them, and those people hurt people without their consent. Okay, so what we need to figure out is how to get the guns out of the hands of those people, but still allow other people to have a gun as their second amendment right allows. Here I tip my hat to prophets that came before me. They suggested buying back guns. This allows you to remove them from the pool of possible problems. Great idea, but we have failed on the execution of the solution. If you decided to turn in your firearm, you could receive up to one hundred dollars per weapon. One hundred dollars? That doesn’t buy groceries for a week for a family of four. What kind of incentive is that? When I was a gang banger, I might haveused my gun to make four to five hundred dollars a week with my twenty-two. I wouldn’t want to take a pay cut and put myself out of a job for one hundred dollars. I mean I learned after participating in that toxicology focus group. (Those last two sentences might have never happened, or maybe they did. My juvi records are sealed, and I’m not talking.) What we need is real cash offered. I was thinking we should give fifty large (that’s fifty thousand for those of you not hip in gang banger speak.) per working firearm. That would serve two purposes. Guns would fly off the streets, and the criminally poor would get the seed money to move into other endeavors like selling insurance policies on Obama’s health care exchange.

I can hear the gnashing of teeth. How do we pay for such an endeavor? Well, the affordable healthcare act is supposed to keep insurance policies low. Oh, not that, you mean paying for the guns. Simple. We already destroyed the deficit with the previous Great Idea by selling our privacy to the marketers and advertisers of the world. See, that Great Idea is the Great Idea that keeps on giving. Besides, if we really want to get the guns out we need to pay the price. Really, we say human life is worth at least a million dollars, at least according to old health insurance policies, why not pay the price to take the guns off the streets?

This Great Idea is also genius because if you want to keep your weapons and forfeit your fifty thousand dollars then you really, really, really want to exercise your second amendment rights, and bless your heart, you are doing so. This way if you hunt, enjoy target shooting, or are a paramilitary group who doesn’t read the newspaper to find out about this program because it is all leftist propaganda meant to brainwash you that the end is not coming, you, yes you, can keep your guns. At least until the ATF comes after your compound, but that is another Great Idea that might never see the light of day, until they come to visit me.

Lastly you might say, “Oh Foolish Prophet, that will take the guns off the streets, but what about those companies still producing guns. What about them?” If you didn’t say that, I forgive you this time, but work harder on your mental dexterity for next time. Sorry, it needed to be said. Anyhow, the answer to that is simple. We pay the companies to not produce guns for the next few years. We can look at their profit margins the past few years and give them a fair settlement. I’m crazy you say? Correct I say, but think about it, we have precedent for this. I’m not talking about GM or Chrysler, but the great farm bill. We pay farmers one point six Billion (capital B for sure) to not plant crops in their fields. That is not a typo. It was originally used to help push farmers into better use of their lands, letting them lay fallow to recover every once in a while. If paying for fallow fields is a worthy goal, then so is paying gun manufacturers not to produce guns for domestic sales.

I leave you to keep following the bread crumb trail. Whether it leads down the rabbit hole or not, you can decide. Of course why the stupid rabbit is now eating bread instead of carrots makes me nervous. Can human flesh be far behind? My job this week is done. Next time we will talk about the homeless and how we can help them and use them as a resource.

The first great idea has to do with the Deficit. Notice the capital D. It is THE villain in our society, stealing from our children, stopping us from eradicating poverty, killing our elderly, and making it hard for all of us to sleep knowing that the Deficit is waiting just around the corner. It is the grown up monster under the bed, but this monster doesn’t want to take us to where the wild things are; it wants to take us to China, Japan, and the Brazil for an auction. Mount Rushmore? Sold to Brazil, moving right next to Christ the Redeemer. Statue of Liberty? Sold to Japan for an anime make over. The lines at Disney World? Head to the Great Wall! Do I have your attention yet? Good, because I am about to drop some good news into your lap like a bad waiter with a bowl of scalding tomato bisque with those awesome garlic croutons now floating over your nether regions.

We can get out of debt in about five minutes. You heard me right, five minutes, and I am not talking about printing more currency or just writing some law to leave our debtors hanging. We have the greatest resource on the planet here in the good ol’ US of A, and we just need to flip it for a profit. What could I possibly be talking about? I have three letters for you: N S A. Yes, you are now seeing where I am going. If not, it will be soon abundantly clear. People are asking why does the government need all that personal information on every MAN, WOMAN, and CHILD that is in the United States. Hey, for all we know it also has the goods on anybody who has ever visited the United States, talked or emailed an American citizen, or used anything created in the USA. (Now the last piece of that is getting smaller every day, but that is for a Great Idea later.) That is a huge stockpile of information. What is all that information good for? I see you thinking. Yes, it is for stopping terrorists from destroying more of China’s assets in the USA. Hey, I like Disney and takeout as much as the next person, but that is less than 1% of 1% of 1% of 1% of the information gathered. (It may be a few more 1%s, but I have not sent this to my fact checker yet.) Many people don’t care that Uncle Sam knows what they ordered from A1 Kitchen, or about those cute sandals they ordered from Amazon, or even how they almost got caught by their husband and that’s why the soap is missing. You know who does care about all that? The great American advertising and merchandising juggernaut, that’s who. They are starving for more data all the time, and they currently pay companies to bother you day and night to discover what happened to the soap.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, and kids too, we are all inclusive here, we simply charge for access to all that personal information. It will all be used, every scrap of it, and since it is all collected without you ever feeling it, it is a win-win scenario. You get the benefit of the deficit being wiped out for good. Taxes would shrink to lows not seen in like two, maybe three years. The NSA would serve two purposes, the great protectors from terror and the destroyers of the Deficit. They look like knights in shining armor. Best off, you get targeted ads that really help you with your life, including real time offers on liquid soap before the husband comes home from the store. Write your congressman. Phone your senator. The NSA will hear you and let the president know. This is a no brainer, perfect for this group of politicians.

So long for now, but tune in next time when I will take care of our gun problem in such a way that everyone, including the gutter-snipe-bang-bang artists win.