Arrested Development (TV series)

Arrested Development is a character-driven comedy television series about a wealthy but dysfunctional family that aired on FOX for three seasons. The show is presented like a documentary, complete with narration, archival photos and historical footage.

Michael: I thought Buster had everything under control. I thought you've been going in to the office.

Buster: Yes, and I've enjoyed that. It's just that I was constantly being called to the phone, or I was asked a question, or I was being resuscitated and it was really hard to get a good work flow going.

Gob: Illusion, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money. [GOB notices children in earshot] ...Or candy!

[From the extended pilot]

Gob: Not tricks, Michael, illusions. A trick is something a whore does for money. [GOB notices children in earshot] ...Or cocaine!

Buster: Well clearly the blue part is the land.

Michael: Okay, guys, um... they are going to keep Dad in prison at least until this gets all sorted out. Also, the attorney said that they’re going to have to put a halt on the company’s expense account. [The others gasp.] Interesting. I would’ve expected that after "They’re keeping Dad in jail."

Michael: What have we always said is the most important thing?

George Michael: Breakfast!

Michael: ...No. Family.

George Michael: Oh right! I thought you meant of the things you eat.

Lucille: If you're saying I play favorites, you're wrong. I love all my children equally.

[Flashback to that morning]

Lucille: I don't care for Gob.

Narrator: Then, mistaking a group of garishly dressed men for pirates, Tobias boarded a van full of homosexuals.

George Sr.: [regarding Buster] Maybe it was the eleven months he spent in the womb. The doctor said there were claw marks on the walls of her uterus. But he was her "miracle baby." And I — I was just too burnt out on raising you guys to care. So ... he turned out a little soft, you know... a little doughy... I dunno. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe. Maybe I just ignored the guy. [the camera slow zooms out to show Buster sitting between Michael and George Sr.]

Buster: [After yawning for a long time] Wow. We're just blowing through nap time, aren't we?

Gob: Let me ask you something. Is this a business decision, or is it personal? 'Cause if it's business I'll go away happily. But if it's personal, I'll go away... but I won't be happy.

Lindsay: Well, you and I have different management styles. I believe work should be fun, and you try to crush people's spirits. What's next, Michael? Are you going to make dancing illegal? Is this the tiny town from Footloose?

Lucille: I sent her on a wonderful cruise. You just missed a wonderful call from her. She just came back from a wonderful costume party that the captain threw. She gained ten pounds, there's so much food on that boat. She's up to 74. She tried pesto for the first time. Imagine that, 92 years old and she never tried pesto. It was wonderful. Just wonderful.

Gob: It's zero hour, Michael. It's the end of the line. I'm the firstborn. Sick of playing second fiddle. Always third in line for everything. Tired of finishing fourth. Being the fifth wheel. [thinks for a moment] There are six things I'm mad about, and I'm taking over.

Michael: I might not be the best witness either. I got a call from Kitty this morning.

Barry Zuckerkorn: Your secretary?

George Sr.: My secretary.

Michael: She says that she's got some evidence and she's threatening to bring down the company unless we meet her demands.

Gob: Oh, that is just great. Now I'm expected to climb back on top of Kitty and do my thing again. I mean, this family runs into problems and it's "Oh, let's have Gob [bleep] our way out of it."

Michael: Tell me the truth, okay? 'Cause there's been a lot of lying in this family.

Tobias: You know, Lindsay, as a therapist, I have advised... a number of couples to explore an open relationship where the couple remains emotionally committed but free to explore extramarital encounters.

Lindsay: Well, did it work for those people?

Tobias: No, it never does. I mean, these people somehow delude themselves into thinking it might, but... but it might work for us.

Barry: Oh, sure. It’s called emancipation. But you’ve got to prove that you’re living in an unstable environment.

Maeby: Both my parents are trying to have affairs. Of course, they haven’t succeeded yet.

Lucille: What are you doing home?

Buster: Army had half a day.

Michael: I think George Michael's hiding Ann in the attic.

Lindsay: From who? The Nazis?

Tobias: Here he comes. Here comes John Wayne. [imitating John Wayne] I'm not gonna cry about my Pa. I'm gonna build an airport. Put my name on it. [speaking normally] Why, Michael? So you can fly away from your feelings?

Narrator: As a child, Buster had a beloved parakeet. But after landing on his mother's housekeeper's head, it flew away. And into a transformer. When Buster found out, he destroyed the family's kitchen, believing this to be where Rosa lived.

Lindsay: [to Maeby] You know what? I'm going to throw on a skirt, take off my underwear, and make your Pop-pop proud!

Lucille: She’d love to get at me any way she could. That’s why she’s been flirting with Gob. She’s trying to prove that she’s closer to my children than I am, but the joke’s on her, because she doesn’t know how little I care for Gob.

Michael: I think that makes the joke on Gob.

Michael: [looking at a gift basket] Didn't you get one of those, too? You bought Lindsay at the same auction.

Tobias: I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run if you will, so I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.

Michael: There's so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.

Tobias: Well, Michael, you really are quite the Cupid, aren’t you? I tell you, you can sink your arrow into my buttocks any time.

Michael: Okay, you know what you do? You buy yourself a tape recorder, you just record yourself for a whole day. I think you’re going to be surprised at some of your phrasing.

Tobias: [after Michael asks Tobias to buy a tape recorder to record himself speaking] You know, Michael, perhaps I should buy you that tape recorder. Do you have any idea how often you say the word "afraid"?

Michael: Well, I know I did in the jacuzzi.

Tobias: And I apologize for that. I thought it was a pool toy.

Narrator: On the next Arrested Development, Tobias listens to a day's worth of his own recordings to see what Michael was referring to.

Tobias: [on tape] Even if it means me taking a chubby, I will suck it up!

Tobias: Nothing wrong with that.

Tobias: [on tape] I've been in the film business for a while but I just cant seem to get one in the can.

Tobias: That's out of context...

Tobias: [on tape] I wouldn't mind kissing that man between the cheeks.

Narrator: And he realizes there is something distinct about the way he speaks.

Gob: Pardon me if I don't burst into tears, Michael. At least he promised to take you. [bursts into tears] He just let me blindly enjoy my childhood! [sobbing] I didn't even know there was a cabin... he wasn't taking me to!

Gob: Well, I will tell you this, Michael: I don’t have a son...

Narrator: He does.

Gob: ...But if I ever do, I'm either going to take him to the cabin in the woods, or I'm going to promise to take him and then not take him. But the one thing that I will never do is not tell him that I'm taking him to a cabin in the woods, and then not take him!

Narrator: Gob was growing up.

[Later, waiting for Michael to take him to the cabin]

Gob: There's only one sleeping bag, so we're going to have to double up. Pigs in a blanket!

Michael: Sorry, pal, something came up.

Gob: It is worse to know.

Narrator: Gob was getting life lessons all over the place.

Lindsay: We did it, Mikey! We're super-rich again. And I'm going to buy a car. The Volvo. [hands Michael a piece of paper]

Michael: No, Lindsay, you're not going to start spending money. [looks at paper] And this is not a Vol-vo.

Lindsay: Oh, that's from sitting on the copier. Michael, I've got nothing. My husband dumped me and ran off to Vegas with Kitty, that bleached-blonde whore.

Michael: He's definitely got a type.

Lindsay: I can't believe he left me. I mean, this? [points to her face] And these? [points to her breasts] And this? [holds up paper]

Michael: Besides, I already got George Michael the big present for his birthday...

George Michael: A suit! Dad, is it Jack Welch?

Michael: I want you to look under the pants.

George Michael: Quicken! Premiere! Dad, I hope you kept the receipt.

Michael: You want to return that?

George Michael: What? No, I want to deduct it.

Gob: Hey, maybe that's it. Maybe we should do to the Japanese what they do in their movies. Build a miniature city, put it outside the window, tell them it's far away. It'll look real if you squint. God knows they're squinters. [looks at Larry the surrogate] What do you think, Dad? A whole, tiny town.

George Sr./Larry: Another brilliant idea, Einstein.

Gob: Really? You'd like to build it with me?

George Sr./Larry: Larry really never knows how to sell the sarcasm. It's a stupid idea.

Gob: I've got this Christian girlfriend now and she's trying to get me to be a better man and reconnect with my son and I'm trying to get her to renounce God and [bleep] me and I just want to prove to her that I'm worth it.

George Sr.: I have changed, Michael! I cry at the drop of a hat and I hate the way I look. I actually had one cute hat, and it... [starts sobbing] blew off at this CVS parking lot... and this whole car full of black kids ran over it—for no reason! And they saw it! THEY SAW IT!

George Sr.: "I'm so sorry, I thought you were a successful Republican strategist."

Gob: [Upon getting shocked seeing a picture of Jesus] For a second, I thought that was a real guy.

Gob: What... what... is it? I... [laughs] You... It's the-the-the-the... the-the questions... you ask so many, of these, of these, of these, these-these questions, that-that-that-that you keep asking f-for me... for-for-for-f-for, sh-should-should-should, should I, should I, should I? Sh-should-should the, should the, should the, should-should the guy, should the guy... [voice breaks] should the guy... Sh-should the guy in the the $32... In the $32, pink-p-p ba-bath-bath-bath... Sh-should-should-should... should the girl in the $6,000 tuxedo, should the guy, should the guy, in the $32... in the $3,400... should the guy, come on! Come on! [sobbing] Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Gob: [to a group of migrant workers] Who wants to help me build a wall... [Workers show interest] ...to keep Mexicans out of America? [Workers throw garbage at him] Alright, alright... Who wants to help me build a wall for no reason? It's a different wall!

Gob: It's really just the age we live in, isn't it? Take a pill and forget your problems. Take a pill to go to sleep. Take a pill to forget your problems. Need an erection? Take a pill. Need to forget your problems? Take a pill! Take a pill and your problems are forgotten! Take a pill... What an age we live in! It's great!