Learn from sibling rivalry

Published 7:22 pm, Friday, March 30, 2012

Sibling rivalry is a theme that runs through many biblical stories. Cain kills Abel when God accepts his brother's sacrifice over his. Isaac and Ishmael are rivals for Abraham's inheritance.

The twins Jacob and Esau fight over the birthright and blessing and are separated for many years.

Sibling rivalry probably has its origins in the animal world and survival of the fittest.

A Pacific Ocean seabird pecks at its siblings and pushes them out of the nest to die of starvation while the parents stand idly by.

Piglets are born with a special set of temporary "needle teeth" to attack their litter mates in the struggle for the mother's prodigal frontal teats; the runts kicked back sometimes starve on the thin milk there.

Human children, on the other hand, fight not only over who got the bigger bowl of ice cream, but also over who decides what game to play, who controls the remote, who is supposed to do the dishes, who started it and who is loved most.

Sibling rivalry is, of course, based on comparison and competition. Jacob and Esau were twins and thus more easily compared to one another, as I can attest to from personal experience: My wife and I have a twin boy and girl.

When two babies grow up together, you cannot help but watch who reaches various milestones first.

The biblical twins had different talents, Jacob being more introspective and intelligent, while his brother was the big, burly hunter.

Like all siblings, they competed for the love and affection of their parents, Isaac and Rebecca.

The problem was that the parents showed favor for one child or the other all too easily, with Rebecca favoring the quieter Jacob and Isaac preferring the wild and strong Esau.

Tamar Brott grew up with an older brother who was a violin prodigy and a sister, a year younger, with a beautiful voice who is now an opera singer.

Tamar always wanted to sing but is tone deaf.

She remembers the parties that her parents threw for their friends when she and her siblings were still in elementary school.

Her brother would play a complex piece on the violin.

Then her sister would come, a beautiful girl who was tiny for her age. She would begin to sing in a baby voice: "Turn around and she's two, turn around and she's four, turn around and she's a young girl going out of the door." And everyone would weep.

Tamar said that this was a turning point in her life, when she realized that she could not compete with her siblings, that she would never be able to move people to tears like her sister or play a concerto on the violin.

That moment when we know that we will never be able to run as fast, or sing as well, or get as good grades as a brother or sister is difficult to accept.

When failing to surpass a sibling, we see our limitations in life for perhaps the first time.

Tamar was angry at her sister and all of the attention that she received.

But at some point, Tamar realized that she could either continue to obsess over her inability to compete with her sister, or she could just accept it and find wholeness.

After Jacob fled from Esau, he became a shepherd and acquired numerous cattle.

He married and had children. Finally, after many years, Jacob desired to reunite with his brother.

Jacob was naturally afraid that Esau would still be angry over the past.

When Jacob came before his brother, he bowed in humility and offered gifts.

Esau immediately told him to rise, they embraced, and the two brothers were reunited.

Both Jacob and Esau had found success in pursuing their own abilities.

Now no longer stuck on the past, they came together to begin anew.

Sibling rivalry is not easy, but it also presents us with an opportunity to grow.

When a sibling surpasses us, we learn the importance of failure, we see our own weaknesses and we also discover our talents and abilities. Jacob may not have been the burly hunter, but used his mind to acquire great herds.

Tamar Brott never became a musical prodigy, but she directed her creative energies to become a writer and has found success.

As adults, we benefit from leaving behind the sibling rivalries of the past and learning from them.

As parents, our task is to make the conflicts between our children into teachable moments. We can show our children that they do not have to win at everything, but that they can find ways to succeed with the talents and abilities that came from their Divine Maker.