12/05/2012

Dear Satan

Sorry, misspelling "Santa" as "Satan" just tickles me.Last week we talked about what to get for other people, and this week I am gonna talk about what I want, and y'all can talk about what you want. I get fatigued during the holiday season, shopping for everyone, then I get to the point where I just want to buy stuff for myself and say fuck everybody. I don't actually do that, though, I just fantasize about it. Actually, not only do I not buy myself stuff, I don't even really get presents from the people who live in my house. Everybody's birthday is in October, and mine is at the very end of October, so we usually just get Nona presents so her childhood isn't destroyed, and buy something for the house instead of Drew and me getting something in particular, since we all just got presents a month ago. Not very fun. Last year we got a chest freezer. This year I think we are replacing our chipped up dishes. Whoop-dee-dooooo!So, this is my fantasy Christmas list, if I actually got Christmas presents and also was rich haha.

DEAR SATAN, I WOULD LIKE:Bon Bonnie Hoodie: This is my favorite thing, probably, next to my Sloops that I told you about before. You get all the cozy, depression-casual feel of a hoodie, only it is cut more like a biker jacket, and you can pop the collar so it looks more like a funnel neck, which is pretty sweet and more fashionable than an American Apparel hoodie. Also, the asymmetrical zipper/biker jacket thing gives you an extra layer of warmth in the triangle area where it overlaps to zip, so it is good if you are constantly freezing like I am. I got a grey one last year, and a black one for my birthday this year, but I think they have burgundy, too, so I'd like one of those, please, so I can mix it up and also wash my other ones once in awhile.Angel skin cream: I like wearing this perfume in the winter, and I always want to get the skin cream so I can layer and smell fancier, but then when I go to look for it, I see it is $80 and decide it is probably a better idea to just use cocoa butter like always.

Marc Jacobs Stam bag: This thing is fucking beautiful. That color. The kiss lock. The chain. Ugh. I wasn't really feeling this bag much when it first came out, but then this one showed up with silver hardware and that color and I changed my mind 100%. I thought I would save my points on my Amex card to buy one, but I did the math and realized that I would need 198,000 points to buy it, which means I would have to spend $198,000 to get it for free, so it wouldn't really be free seeing as my family would lose our house and probably starve from me trying to spend that much. OH WELL. Who better to ask for a $1400 purse than Satan, right? Feel free to pass the hat around, guys, if you are in the mood to get a present for your humble narrator.2013 BMW M5: Murder it out, please... I want it flat black with black interior and black rims and tinted windows. Also some subs in the trunk. It is ok that it doesn't get shit for gas mileage, I got my current car in 2005 and I don't think it has 70K on it yet, and I bought it used. I don't clock a lot of miles. I could get one of these cars, totally tricked out, brand new, and charge it on my Amex and still not have enough points to get a free Stam bag, by the way. Damn. All them horses!iPad case: I am pretty much gullible for iPad cases/computer cases. I get one and then I spend the rest of the time I have whatever piece of technology wishing I had bought a different case. To my credit, I refuse to buy a thing if I already have another thing that serves the purpose, so I just have angst instead of a ton of iPad cases. BUT, IF IT WAS A GIFT, IT WOULD BE FINE!! Basically, the more frivolous the better, anything to make it clear that I am doing absolutely nothing constructive with my computer shit, aside from playing Bejeweled, browsing Nordstrom, and writing blogs where I list all the stuff I want. I'm essentially a moron. Illamasqua nail polish: I basically want all of them. Their colors are pretty rad, and I dig the ones they have that are rubbery-looking. I am also gullible for nail polish.Extra Dark Splits: They're pretzels! And they're burnt! I love burnt stuff. They are so burnt, in fact, that they leave carbon marks on the paper towel you're eating them off. If I got a case of these for Christmas, I would HAVE to eat nothing but pretzels, or else I would be ungrateful. I remember the first time I saw these at Fresh Market, it was like my whole life was worth something.OKAY!! So, that made me feel shallow and simple-minded, but I guess it's not really a good present unless it is something you wouldn't buy for yourself. I wouldn't buy any of this, except the hoodie and the nail polish, so that makes up for how vapid I am, I guess. What do y'all want for (insert your holiday here)?

79 comments:

This year was the first year I caved into those fantasies about buying something I wanted while shopping for others. I ended up with a pierogi shaped rug and pierogi Christmas lights. Because no one in their right mind would buy those for me... except me.

Idiot purchase can be made here:http://www.whatonearthcatalog.com/whatonearth/Categories_100/Whats-New_1AA/To-Collect_1BB/Item_PIEROGI-STRING-LIGHTS_CG7516.html

Thinkgeek has a mini build-your-own theremin for a tenth of that price! Then you can either build it and get really good at it and justify spending $400 for a real sized one, or hate it cause you can't figure it out and boom, saved yourself four hundred clams.http://www.thinkgeek.com/product/ed82/

I have a digital photo frame that is STILL in the box...i am feeling festive aka giving....Also, well I guess its different because you are (I am assuming) located in the USA, but we got the Apple TV up here in Canada and it was blah. We went with Sony Google TV but now I can just use the internet on my TV....no thanks. I do want the USA Netflix codes though so we can enjoy more movies than we are restricted to....

My list was 100 miles long, and then I found out the other day that Death Cab for Cutie released a limited edition box set (as in 1500) of the albums from when they were on the Barsuk label in Seattle, including 3 that have never been on vinyl. It is also individually numbered and signed by the band. That is ALL I WANT, as in screw everything else.

i want a goddamn vitamix blender, but i can't justify spending that much on something that chops up food. especially since i eat like, the same 5 things over and over every day of my life and probably wouldn't use it as much as the vitamix people have convinced me that i would....

Ooh, and a Keurig. The middle-of-the-road one, not the uber one that's over $200. I do know for fact my mom has gotten me this (she's not one for surprises, given or received; I ordered it on Amazon with her card and had it sent to her house, yawn). Teas, ciders, cocoas and occasional coffees in single servings? Hot or cold? And all my lazy ass has to do is fill a water tank and hit a button? Yes please!

The color of that MJ bag is fabulous. I've had the MJ nylon slingy for a week now, as per your other gifts post, and were I not already hitched I'm sure I'd marry it and make out with it. A crossbody that doesn't tear up my lower back and is roomy and pretty too! So glad you told us about it!

that slingy is my everyday bag... it's usually mostly empty, but it is so nice being able to stow everything in there. i even fit my knee-length down coat in it in the winter when it is super cold, but i don't want to wear it around the grocery or something.

they have "cups" from brands different that work in keurigs these are mostly made like teabags and they also have reusable cups that you can buy and fill with whatever. But yes in general they do create a bit of waste.

I would love a new drumset. If anyone was dumb enough to spend that much on me. I would also really love a nice gaming computer because my shitty laptop wont run the Arkham batman games. I want a shit ton of new lipsticks. I'm addicted. And I want my student loans paid off.

My mom brings back bags from PA and they are just the best. They briefly made an appearance at my local whole foods and then disappeared just as quickly. So much sadness.

My cell phone and ipod are super ancient in electronics time, so I would love a 64gb iphone 5 (mostly because I can't get an iphone 4/s from my carrier with 32/64 gb) with a nice case and warranty to go with it.

A couch that is comfy and a legit couch and not a crappy futon.

The butter london holiday polishes are beautiful and would make my heart/nails so happy. I have a few from them but they're too expensive to justify purchasing otherwise.

A vitamix because my blender is jacked and I would love to have smoothies & pureed soups that are actually smooth!

A large hard drive and a new os for my old macbook. It hasn't worked right for a while and I would love to back up everything and install a newer OS than my current one. I mean, a new macbook would be even better obviously because then I wouldn't have to update anything.

Valhalla Brooklyn is an etsy shop with beautiful (but out of my range) purses, I would love a black bag with silver hardware and a bright, durable lining. But that MJ bag is pretty freaking gorgeous.

I tried to comment twice. Browser ate it both times. Baby Jeebus is displeased with me for being materialistic. Tool box to match the tool cart I got last Christmas:http://www.sears.com/shc/s/p_10153_12605_00987613000PVarious glass and tools for beadmaking. Including the 800 dollar badass torch. Cool book that grosses out my husband:http://www.amazon.com/Pheromone-Insect-Artwork-Christopher-Marley/dp/0764946196/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1354760620&sr=8-1&keywords=pheromone+marleyPortable sewing table.http://seweziusa.com/Going on a trip to San Fran with husband in early Jan, a trip we have been wanting to take for a very long time. I am probably going to buy tons of shit I don't need there. So there is that. I wanted the Urban Decay Sustainable Shadow Palette, but no...it apparently left the website. I don't know what makes it sustainable. But I liked the colors. Old lady-flavored iPad vera bradley sleeve in "Indigo Pop":http://www.verabradley.com/product/Category/Tech-Cases/Tablet-Sleeve/1001535/defaultColorVariantId/177655/pc/638/c/0/sc/821/p/1001535.utsWinning lotto ticket?

I went into the Juicy Couture store for the first time in a while and found 2 things I really want:Lana Luxe Rocks purse- http://www.zappos.com/juicy-couture-lana-luxe-rocks-pink even though it's a ridiculous color. I love it.Glam Rocks bracelet in purple- http://www.juicycouture.com/Multi-Gemstone-Pave-Toggle-Bracelet/YJRU6270,default,pd.html?dwvar_YJRU6270_color=580&cm_mmc=pepperjam-_-text-_-genericdeep-_-40236&utm_source=pepperjam&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_campaign=text&utm_content=genericdeep&utm_term=40236(Sorry that link is so long, lol) This is like the only toggle bracelet small enough for my tiny wrists.

I'm in the middle of some hardcore decluttering because I have about thirty times more stuff than I have space for, so the only thing I really want this Christmas is for that lady from Hoarders to come over and chuck all my stuff out for me.

My main desire is a new iPod. I use mine every single day at the gym, but it is from 2008 and now most of the buttons don't work and it keeps turning itself off every ten minutes for no apparent reason. So that is high on my list.

I also am jonesing for some nail polish, and I would absolutely LOVE a serger but that is the kind of thing I am only getting if someone who loves me a whole lot wins the lottery, so I'll take what I can get.

Oooooh, that Stam! Beautiful. I have actually already bought myself a couple of Christmas gifts - a Marc Jacobs pocket satchel in maroon (2nd hand on eBay, duh) and a very fancy pair of Sidi mountain bike shoes that I've wanted forever and ever. I absolutely intend on wrapping both and putting them under the tree like a dork.

I've just fallen in love with the sweater and bag. I buy hoodies only on sale at places like Aeropostale, the most expensive one I own cost me about $35 so obviously I don't spend $90 on hoodies...and my purses are less than my hoodies, so...yeah I'm SOL on those.

I really want a bread maker, I just got married and have being trying to bring out my inner Domestic Goddess. So far I like to think I'm doing okay, but if I started making my own bread I would feel like the ultimate housewife. I'm not a particularly good cook, though, so the ones that you just dump the ingredients in & push a button then it does all the hard shit would be ideal. Or fuck ideal, let's be honest here, it would be necessary.

I'd also love some new acrylics in fun colors for my nails. The EZ Flow collections sets of the small pots in a bunch of colors are my favorite, I mostly only do my own nails so I don't need big pots of anything but clear. I want to start playing to see what kind of designs I'm capable of but I want a shit ton of colors to choose from!

My local thrift stores almost always have a bread machine or two hanging around. That would be a good way to at least dip your toe in, least you become like everyone else who bought a new machine only to donate it.

I want a Siamese kitten. Because they are HOLYSHIT SO CUTE.I want a gym membership so I can start whipping my fat ass into shape so I can have any hope of wedding dress shopping by July and looking halfway decent.I want that freakin' BMW. Although I would prefer a sporty coupe since I don't need a backseat...my current car is from 1996 and sports the following features: a tape deck, non-functioning rear turn signals, a creaking noise in the front end, and duct tape on one of the taillights. Oh, and some rust. It's a real beauty. All I need is a built-in can coozie and I'll be good to cruise through the trailer park in style :(I would also like a pair of real Doc Marten boots. And a leather jacket. I think that's all.

Oh, just one of these: http://www.kitchenaid.com/flash.cmd?/#/product/KSM95ER/I see it on sale every once in a while, but I just can't justify the cost. It's the one thing I really, really, really want, but no one loves me enough to spend $250+ on something that is only for me because if anyone gets their grimy hands on it, I'll cut them something fierce.

And this: http://www.target.com/p/melie-bianco-amelie-handbag-pink/-/A-14098388#prodSlot=medium_7_42I'm not crazy enough to think I need a purse that costs more than $50 so it's on the "maybe when I make enough money to add this super cute purse to my collection of too many purses already" list.

This is my first time commenting! Natalie, can I just say I love all of your and Drew's websites - you guys are hilarious! I've been a fan for several years and regularly rock my 'Will Knit for Tattoo's tshirt.' Brown nosing aside though, the only thing I really want for Christmas is this glorified fanny pack. I love going to see live music and my purse strap starts to hurt my shoulders after a while what with all the crazy dancing.

I just had those fantasies yesterday when I was shopping for gifts, and I definitely spoil my loved ones each year. I think you should replace those dishes and get yourself just 1 thing on that list of yours. Why not, you only live once - that you can remember!

i'm a weirdo about presents. i love present-shopping for other folks, but i've felt weird about telling people what I want as gifts. it makes me uncomfortable. plus, the stuff i want is usually wonky by my family's standards and the few times I've specifically told them what I want (the cheaper things of course), they laugh, and say, "oh don't be silly" and get me something for the house that I don't need (last year it was throw pillows that cost twice as much as the DVD set that I actually wanted). i usually tell everyone to not get me anything and just buy the things i like for myself.

that said, if anyone out there wants to blow some cash on me:

i want a Nook HD+...or an ipad. whichever. something that will cater to the basics of my online life. my desktop is ancient, but i don't feel like i really need a laptop.(a new iPod Classic would be nice, too. mine is 8 years old, or more, and its hanging in there, but its a rough life, being my ipod. )

My tale is a tale of fantasy rejection. My mom wanted to buy me a pair of Simple Louboutin Pumps because she felt super guilty for not getting me an x-mas or b-day gift a couple years in a row. I made her buy me a UD Naked Palette instead. Don't gift under the influence of guilt y'all, you could end up $625 in the hole.

Those Sloops? LOVE. But they don't make the black suede ones in my size. SAD FACE. I am a hair stylist, and I have to wear lots of black, so I never buy pricier shoes unless they're something I can wear to work too. But those leopard print ones are so adorable I might just get those instead.

Side note: I, too, am in love with Cinderella flats! I've wanted a pair just like hers since I was a little girl. Unfortunately every pair I have ever found has only fallen apart within a year. Damn you, Sloops! Make them in my size!

I fell in love with the Urban Decay Vice palette at Sephora the other day. I already have so much eyeshadow and it's $60, but I've got my fingers crossed because I'm totally in love with the hot pink color in it.

I have a hoodie just like that from Candy Couture. It's dark green. It's exactly like you said: i feel all depression-cozy but still look like a person who is dressed.

I want a really nice old fashioned (hell, if I'm asking Satan for it let's say antique) desk with drawers down one side like a built-in filing cabinet, and I want a really nice set of speakers, like Bose or something, and an MP3 player with decent capacity instead of the 1 gig thing I have, and I want an expensive vibrator instead of the second-cheapest kind that exists that I buy once a year when the previous one breaks.

-An iPad even though I have a netbook... so the only difference is I have a keyboard...-A better car than the piece of junk I have.-Chocolate bars because I never buy them for myself but always want one.-New sweat pants-A service that prepares all of your meals and snacks for a year so I don't have to cook!

Hermes Birkin bag. I'll even take one of the Kardashian zombie's leftovers.Or a Louis Vuitton Speedy bag with matching wallet. Lego Death Star (boyfriend's mom has ordered it for us!)All of the episodes of The Muppet ShowFirst editions of every Maurice Sendak book everLanvin ballet flats

*I'm not a huge bag person, but I saw those Jumpfrompaper bags at the Baltimore Museum of Art and I wanted one so badly. They look like they've been drawn! They look 2D! But they are real live bags you can put things in!*A Nook HD (I already have a ton of books on my first-generation Nook so it is time to upgrade)*The entire Skyfall OPI nail collection, because it is a combination of my two great loves, James Bond and nail polish.*Tickets to see Purity Ring when they come to D.C.I get so excited around this time of year. My birthday is four days after Christmas, so there is that one week of the year where I can ask for things and I will get them. My parents always feel guilty that my birthday is getting buried under the holidays, and they always try to make me feel important and make sure the two are very separate.

Since a little the Kindle came out, I have not-very-subtly hinted to my loved ones that I would enjoy receiving one for birthdays/holidays. I already have a ton of books, so I can't really justifying buying a digital form of book storage for myself, and I was also one of those assholes when it first came out that was like "oh yeah because that's what everyone needs, a book with a battery that can die, and that you can't read during take-off or landing on an airplane. How convenient." But the more I read about it the more convenient it actually does sound... so if someone else were to get me one, then, hey, awesome! I'm not a hypocrite! So far NO ONE has picked up on the hints, though, so I guess one of these days I'm going to have to nut up and buy my own.

I also want jewelry. I am a nerdy gamer chick and the men in my life always buy me games. But if there's a game out that I want to play, I have already bought it for myself. You know what I won't buy for myself? Jewelry. Come on, men! I guess the moral of this post is that the people in my life are really bad at picking up hints.

Hi Natalie, well I too want to send out best holiday wishes to your family of awesomeness. After reading through everyone's requests I see that I can fulfill two of them! 1 for MiltonCat with the digital frame and I thought I read someone else wanted a serger...well I got one of those too and its been in a box for 3 years...but now I cant find that person's name...maybe me just trying to get rid of it!I am much more of a gift giver than asker. I too would like to be able to buy the things that I feel would make me happy and share the happiness with the people who are important to me. Merry Ho Ho everyone!

Aww I want that hoodie but even the xl wouldnt fit my shoulders/bust so pretty I mostly want nail polish and stamping plates and a frickin trip to the uk also I really want the asus slider tablet and a new router

If you're interested in cute ipad cases (and glow-in-the-dark iphone skins!), here is my shameless plug for my cousin+cousin-in-law's line of products, Adaptation LA. http://www.adaptationla.com/ It's shameless because I'd buy this stuff too, if I had any of them fancy igadgets! Also, hi Natalie, I love your blog and comics. Long time reader.

When you click on those Splits pretzels, the "customers also viewed" items are like, Illamasqua polish and Sloops. I think this means you own the internet now :)

I hope you got some of that stuff you wanted!

Man, I always give in to the "fuck everybody, buy for myself" impulse. This year I bought myself I mean Satan gave me 2 rare Transformers plushies that transform from robot to car, and glitter mascara from Sephora. And a biker jacket from H&M. And boots from shoedazzle. And I'm going to stop admitting my selfish impulse purchases because I'm starting to feel shame. But, I did do some pretty good prezzies for my friends and family so maybe I'm ok.