For people who identify as non-binary, or wake up identifying differently from one day to the next, traditional shopping can feel judgmental and anxiety-inducing. Having no choice much of the time but to shop in either womenswear or menswear sections, it’s quite common to face choices that may fit one’s gender presentation, but not one’s body—or vice versa. A standard misconception is that all non-binary people are on the androgynous side, but this simply isn’t true. Just because many a woman has rejected the oppression involved in being forced to wear pink, doesn’t make “gender neutral” a rejection of all traditional signifiers of being female, as many retailers seem to believe. In other words, if jeans and hoodies can be gender neutral, skirts and lingerie should have the same morphing power.

While it’s true that the line between the traditional male and female binary is becoming increasingly blurred, and more designers are choosing to create gender neutral lines, there’s still a ways to go! Even among the most gender fluid fashion items, that persistent menswear/womenswear binary often lives on. For many female-bodied, male identified people, a rejection of the male-female fashion dichotomy means heading straight to the menswear section. But ‘gender neutral’ hoodies, sweatshirts, and t-shirts though they may offer, there is a long way to go toward clothing that actually fits well, and markedly even more room for growth when it comes to femme fashion designed specifically with the male-bodied in mind.

It’s a hard femme life

If you really think about it, it’s no surprise that femmey/feminine anything continues to get consistently deprioritized in the face of arguably “easier” to create butchy/masculine wear—regardless of whose body it’s actually intended for. This, of course, extends far beyond fashion…to life. A gender advocacy centre I worked at for the better part of six years (which had, like many such centres, once been a women’s centre), had a clearly biased focus. Controversial though this may be, positions of influence appeared reserved for f to m trans people, who largely exuded a very masculine energy, perhaps at least in part as a reaction to the centre’s former identification as “for women.” The result, however, was a problematic environment in which m to f people were scarcely if ever welcomed, and cis women’s still-very-valid issues were often overlooked.

Parallels with the fashion world are no coincidence: non-binary though a designer may identify, the fact remains that we live in a world where girls who dress like boys are usually referred to as tomboys rather fondly, while boys who dress like girls are generally subject to significantly more stigma, perhaps because we as a society still believe masculinity to be a show of strength and femininity to be a show of vulnerability or weakness. Womenswear, as an unfortunate rule, tends to be more showy, flattering, flamboyant, colorful, soft, sexy, and revealing, while men’s clothing tends to be made up of bland, muted colours, and give off a rather shapeless, utilitarian, emotionally unavailable vibe. Coincidence? I think not. Male-bodied non-binary people should not have to shop exclusively in the womenswear or menswear sections, and neither should anyone else who doesn’t love up the false binary power still at play in the world as we know it.

Can you imagine living in a world where clothing for the male bodied (the kind that shows off curves)—or really any flattering clothing for non-cis bodies more generally—was easy to come by? I like to think we’re getting there, at our snail-like human pace. One thing’s for sure: WickedMmm is an exciting place to start.

]]>
https://wickedmmm.ca/blogs/news/cis-life-what-did-you-call-me-and-why2018-10-31T08:53:00-04:002018-12-07T17:52:36-05:00Cis life: what did you call me and why?Maya Khamala
Cis life: what did you call me and why?

The Oxford English Dictionary defines the word "cisgender" as "denoting or relating to a person whose self-identity conforms with the gender that corresponds to their biological sex; not transgender." Cisgender has its origin in the Latin-derived prefix cis, meaning "on this side of,” which is the opposite of trans, meaning "across from,” or "on the other side of.” The term can be traced to 1994, when biologist Dana Leland Defosse, used 'cisgender' in a newsgroup post.. Yet examples of a cis/trans dichotomy in reference to gender go back further—it is found as early as 1914in German sexological literature.

I learned the word “cisgender,” or “cis” years ago—whether it was before or after starting my 6-year stint working at Montreal’s Center for Gender Advocacy is now beyond me. But I do remember the oddity of learning a word I had never heard before used to describe myself. I observed it rather objectively, if such a thing is possible, and it was interesting. It made sense—nothing more, nothing less. The simplest way to think about it was that it was “the opposite of transgendered,” except for the fact that when you’re trying to assert the world’s non-binary nature, opposites don’t really hold water. So, put another way, it’s the dominant population’s silent identity marker.

Controversy or fear of the unfamiliar (as usual)?

So why the controversy around the use of “cis”? Because, in case you missed the memo, there is controversy. Along with a huge rise in media visibility for transgendered people, there has of course come predictable pushback from people uncomfortable with the term, who claim it is yet another unnecessary label that serves to divide us, with some even insisting it’s offensive. There are those who believe the term promotes binaries of what it means to be male or female. However, others argue that if a person does not identify with their assigned gender or the transgender label, they can call themselves gender nonconforming, or non-binary. There is no shortage of labels, they would say. As far as I’m concerned, language is limiting, especially in the flawed minds of humans who manipulate it to their will. But that doesn’t mean we can’t use language for the greater good instead using it to slap each other upside the face.

Non-binary critics of the term

“Cis” has also been criticized and hotly debated by LGBT and intersex scholars who believe it does not take into account other complex factors to do with sexuality and gender. Writer and transgender Navy veteran Brynn Tannehill argues that when used by LGBT people, "the C word" often has a negative connotation. "When someone is referred to as a 'cisgender lesbian' or 'cis gay man' by a transgender person, it is often in a negative way,"says Tannehill. "The addition of 'cis' or 'cisgender' is used to imply a certain level of contempt and a desire that they leave discussions on transgender issues. It also implies that they don't, can't, or won't ever understand transgender issues.”

Genderqueer writer J Nelson Aviance rejects the label as well, in their article,I am NOT “cisgendered.” To Aviance, its meaning is “akin to what we might call ‘normatively gendered,’”meaning one’s gender identity is within a limited range of what society considers “normal.” Something not always true of cis people. “If gender isn’t binary,” posits Aviance,“if it is fluid and can transgress boundaries, than a binary between cisgender and transgender cannot exist. If it does, then we must delineate what “real” transgender or “true” transgender means, and who is allowed to inhabit it.” I do agree, on a level, but at the same time, there we wily humans go, possibly missing the point in spite of technical prowess when it comes to making points…I could be wrong, of course.

Resistance to confronting privilege?

While it’s true that pissed off hashtags exist on the outskirts of social media (#DieCisScum), the identity crisis among cisgender people defiantly resisting the label seems misplaced and disproportional to me. That’s because the term’s usage seems far more about trans solidarity than anything else. It’s not actually about cisgender people. Those who embrace the word argue that it gives language to a privilege that many have never examined. K.J. Rawson, a transgender scholar and assistant professor, says he has never heard the word used in a derogatory way, and views the word's growing popularity as a step toward meaningful allyship with a population that experiences violence, discrimination, and poverty at mind-blowing rates.

At its crux, the issue comes down to how you feel comfortable identifying yourself, right? No one is forcing you into a box, but if you’re homosexual, bisexual, queer, heterosexual, or anything else, you can identify that way. And if you do fit the mould of a cisgender person but don’t want to be labelled that way, ask yourself why, especially given that the very point of the term is that it’s not all about you. The term represents your lived experience, and is used just as heterosexual would be for a straight person.

"It’s an incredible and invisible power to not need to name yourself because the norms have already done that for you,” says Rawson.“You don’t need to come out as heterosexual or cisgender because it is already expected. Since it isn’t a derogatory term, those who take exception to it may be uncomfortable with trans issues or perhaps they are unwilling to confront their own privilege.”

If you happen to be even a mild pseudo-observer of human culture, you know we have a long ass way to go along the body positivity road. We’re a strange bunch: it seems the ceaseless proliferation of sensationalized, sexualized, and pornographic content inundating us rather constantly has little if any positive effect on body positivity or sex positivity, and some might say it has the opposite effect. Regardless of the precise reasons so many people of all genders continue struggling not to hate on their bodies, it’s a reality, especially in this online era of hyper-representation.

While there has been a good deal of discussion over the years about the empowerment promoted by the body positivity movement, there have also been a number of critiques that bring about important yet subjective questions: How does health play into it all? Where do we draw the line? Does “the movement” direct judgement at those who choose to modify their bodies—for whatever reason? Where do men fit into these discussions, which have focused almost exclusively on women’s bodies? It's true that women's bodies have historically been scrutinized more than men's, which has led to long-term problems we're still coping with. But men too face pressures—to be stronger, taller, and more masculine—and theytoo need to be addressed. Remember: issues that affect men also affect everyone they come into contact with (same goes for women).

Here are a few ways body negativity manifests for men in case you just don’t know:

Shortness of depth

I am just as guilty as the next woman of feeling like I have a hard time feeling attracted to a man that is shorter than I am. And yet, before online dating became all the rage, I was definitely attracted to men who happened to be shorter than me. Any issues I have with it now (working on it) have more to do with the idea of a shorter guy than…shorter guys. The fact is, toxic masculinity as we know it posits that men should take up more space and women less. And we all spend a hell of a lot of energy trying to satisfy that. Interesting fact: short men tend to get the short end of the stick professionally too.

Dick size

Along the same lines as height is the almighty big dick. Penis shaming is just as misguided as porn’s obsession with “tight pussy.” It shouldn’t be surprising that men are insecure about their cock size. Terrorized even.Mainstream porn promotes the inaccurate notion that the average cock length is 6 inches minimum. According to one study, the average length of a flaccid penis is 3.61 inches, while an erect penis is 5.16 inches. Meanwhile, girth is 3.66 and 4.59 inches respectively. In spite of the fact that exercises, pills, or special equipment cannot alter dick size, the industry runs rampant. The least anyone can do is not use small dick size as an insult!

Gym obsession

The fitness and beauty industries have aggressively targeted the male market in recent years, pushing a male beauty paradigm that is sculpted and muscular. Could this explain the seeming obsession of many men with going to the gym these days? Up to 45% of men suffer from muscle dysmorphia or bigorexia at some point in their lives. Bigorexia’s symptoms are the inverse of anorexia, with sufferers constantly striving to get bigger and more muscular, regardless of the health risks involved. The distorted self-image, need for control, obsessive behaviour, and lack of joy make the issue similar to an eating disorder.

Non-binary traits?

Over 30% of men deal with enlarging breasts at some point in their lives. Man boobs, aka gynecomastia can take a real psychological toll. No guy with boobs wants to go topless, am I right? Don’t get me started on why women aren’t “allowed” to go topless as men are. A subject for another day. Man boobs are largely caused by hormones."It's an important issue that has typically had guys living in the shadows,"says Jay Pensler, M.D., "It plays a critical role in one's self-esteem.” Apparently men now account for 40% of breast reductions.

Hairline horror

While many men shave their heads when (if) they start to lose too much hair, these days guys are spending the megabucks tending to their personal recessions. From hair transplants, to a wide host of over-the-counter products, to hair tattoos, the male hair loss industry is booming. A study in Psychology Today found 51% of men would rather lose their damn minds than their hair.

—

3 body positive men to watch

These dudes are inspiring men worldwide to make peace with their bodies, whatever that means to them:

Instagram celebrity impersonator Mina Gerges is known for his unique “diva images”of iconic stars, but last winter, he got more serious, opening up about his struggles with eating disorders and body image: “I’ve struggled with my weight and body image my whole life. I grew up surrounded by unrealistic pictures of men and women that convinced me that I have to look like that to be considered attractive and desirable. Especially as gay men, where unfortunately so many of us struggle with achieving that unrealistic standard to feel beautiful.”

Kelvin Davis is a body positive advocate and author who models, blogs, and dances. His book, “Notoriously Dapper” tries to make sizzling style accessible for men of any size. One of the minds behind the @EffYourBeautyStandardsInstagram account, Davis gets a lot done. But he’s really motivated:one shitty shopping trip made him pledgeto never again apologize for his body, and he's encouraging other men to follow suit.

Ryan Sallans is a transgender public speaker, diversity trainer, and author. A few months ago he posted about his journey with anorexia on Instagram: “20 years ago, at age 19, I nearly died in my dorm room due to anorexia. I was female-bodied at the time, scared and hopeless. Thankfully, my spirit told me it wasn’t my time to go, and I decided to dedicate myself to recovery…”

Here’s to body love and the body-lovin’ underwear that can help make it a reality. <3

]]>
https://wickedmmm.ca/blogs/news/sex-positivity-among-men2018-08-07T09:00:00-04:002018-08-07T09:00:00-04:00Sex positivity among men: what does that even look like?Maya KhamalaSex positivity among men: what does that even look like?

“Sex-positivity,” a term often associated with sex-positive feminism, is meant to signify a social and even philosophical belief that embracing sexuality and sexual expression is healthy and desirable—provided it’s safe and consensual, of course. It’s somewhat of a reactionary term in the sense that its existence is a response to the sexual oppression imposed by organized religion, conservatism at large, as well as certain flavours of feminism that are viewed as discouraging free sexual expression and/or sex work.

Our current limitations

Setting aside the plethora of ways one can interpret or indeed enact any defined concept, I want to first acknowledge that a) the sensational depictions of sex that we see everywhere are not evidence of a sex positive culture, b) people rarely talk about what sex positivity might look like among men, and c) people of all genders still hold onto starkly sex negative beliefs and values. No matter what our reasons are, many of us still struggle with sexual shame, fear, and judgement, both of ourselves and others.

Being a sex-positive man

So if those who have heard the term “sex-positive” associate it with empowered women; with feminism that doesn’t urge the abolition of sex work; with the acceptance of all genders and orientations; with top quality sex ed for kids in schools; and with a society that doesn’t slut shame, lock up their daughters, or clam up when faced with important conversations about sex, where exactly do men (or those who identify as men) fit in?

Well, if we take the same principles that already apply to sex positivity and superimpose them onto the world of men (cue dramatic background music), I venture to say that the resulting vision is a reality that would include the following elements:

Men who are not disgusted by their partners’ bodies and make this known

Think body hair, menstruation, curvaceousness, cellulite, stretch marks, imperfections of any kind not normally represented in those aforementioned sensational depictions of sex. It’s hard not to be disgusted by our own or others’ bodies (even if the disgust is extremely subtle or occasional), regardless of our gender. I once dated a man who refused to have any sexual contact whatsoever if I produced even a tiny drop of menstrual blood. He was also a prude. Coincidence? I think not. The “and make this known” part? The reality is, we inhabit a world of imbalances. Men who are inspired to make known their attraction to features that mainstream voices say we should be grossed out by known, are, in their own small way, simply doing their part.

Men who put consent and safety above all else

This means believing womens’ #metoo stories, it means not degenerating into “not all men” rhetoric, and it means standing up for those who could use it. It means discussing sexual boundaries and desires with one’s partner. It means not battling it out every time a partner wants one to wear a condom, but taking initiative oneself. It means not sacrificing one’s own or another’s safety for instant gratification. “Safety” here includes respecting women enough to help them prevent unwanted pregnancies.

Men who don’t judge others for what they enjoy sexually

Imagine a world in which the status quo man is someone who, regardless of his own sexual identity, is secure enough in himself and his masculinity (or femininity, or androgeneity, or whatever the case may be), to not just “tolerate” people (and indeed, other men) with different sexual identities, but to actually able to learn from and welcome them. None of this half-assed, deeply problematic “I don’t care what others do, as long as I don’t have to see it” crap. And none of this cringing at the image of another naked man while nurturing an addiction to images of naked women. Get a grip.

Men who derive pleasure from both receiving pleasure and giving others pleasure

Both points are key here: giving and receiving. Men have trouble doing both. While some men are selfish lovers and still treat women’s pleasure like a potential/occasional byproduct of their own pleasure, other men are highly generous in bed and yet cannot relax into their own bodies enough to receive pleasure, achieve release, or even stomach simple compliments. The ideal, of course, is balance, as always. Easier said than done—you don’t have to tell me.

Men who are open to trying new things sexually

Many men say they are open to trying new thing sexually. Maybe this is in part because men are told they are supposed to be virile and sexual and raging with testosterone—so much so that any lack of sexual drive can be perceived as less than masculine. And then there’s the narrow slice of sex that mainstream porn focuses on—a slice that shapes us all. No matter what the reasons, many men are afraid to explore new territory sexually. For example, a fear of anal penetration/prostate stimulation is fairly common among straight men, although I do believe this is changing. Many men are also uneasy about dressing sexy or prettying up for their partners. Interestingly, the popularization of BDSM culture, problematic as it may be sometimes, has opened some men up who would have otherwise been afraid to dominate or submit to a partner.

Men who are comfortable talking about sex

And the emotions that can sometimes go along with sex, of course. Communication is both King and Queen, and it’s about time aloofness and the default anger setting that so many men fall prey to stop being associated with some vapid concept of manliness. Men who communicate are more capable of feeling, both physically and emotionally. And men who feel are more capable of giving and receiving more freely. And men who can do that, in large enough numbers, could change the world as we know it.

Men who love and care for their bodies

There is no substitute for self-love, and none of the rest of this shit holds any water without it. No matter how any of us feel about ourselves, most of us instinctively know this to be true. Many men (and indeed people in general) have their shit together in numerous ways, at least on a surface level. But when it comes to their eating, sleeping, or grooming habits, something is amiss. Why? Because they don’t necessarily love, or even like themselves. Let me tell you something: it’s hard to be aware of one’s body and in tune with all it can do and feel when one is grossed out by or at odds with said body. Being at odds with oneself makes it hard to make anyone else feel good without doubting their own experiences.

I think all any of us can do is encourage the men in our lives to express their sexualities (and their fashion sense) freely—with respect for the above principles. And we all, each and every one of us, has our own part to do in the fight for self-love. Let’s win this thing! <3

]]>
https://wickedmmm.ca/blogs/news/up-close-and-personal-with-masha-will-of-wicked-mmm2018-06-12T10:00:00-04:002018-07-12T18:53:15-04:00Up Close and Personal with Masha & Will of Wicked MmmMaya KhamalaUp Close and Personal with Masha & Will of Wicked Mmm

On the lookout for more sizzling gender commentary? I sat down with Masha and Will themselves to get to the heart of what Wicked Mmm is all about. Assume we were giggling or snickering through the parts of it that seem to require a giggle or a snicker.

Can you tell me how Wicked Mmm started?

M: We’ve come to realize that we have 2 different version of the origin story.

W: For me it started with rope (shibari). I was looking for panties to do performances in, about 2 years ago, and we went around looking. I had been doing performances for a year at the time, and was wearing shitty boxer briefs—which were not appealing to my sensibilities.

W: We went to sex shops and stuff, and it was really horrible. And Masha was like, I can make something better for you. So she made a bunch of prototypes, and actually surprised me with them a month later. She came with the first one, and was like, try this on. And I was like, ok. I ended up wearing them for performances and they were awesome and held perfectly, and people were like, “Where the hell did you get those? They’re awesome. Can we get some?” And I was like, “Um, maybe,” and that’s how Wicked was born. We started with Etsy, and went on to do our own website.

Masha, what’s your version?

M: We met and started dating in October 2015, but the first item I ever made for Wicked was before all of that. It was actually a strap-on harness, because that was what I wanted. I was calling it Wicked Bliss at the time, on Etsy. But the panty stuff started even before that. I was dating a burlesquer, and he had asked me to make him a g-string. He brought me one he already had to make a pattern from. And I went shopping for supplies and bought some lace, and started to wonder, what would that be like on a guy? But, for whatever reason, he didn’t really inspire me, so I had the lace just sitting around, collecting dust. But when Will asked me to make him panties, it was a natural progression. It was like, oh yeah, you are totally the guy that I will use that lace for.

So really, Wicked was born of your love.

M: Yeah, it’s our love child.

You say the one guy didn’t inspire you so much, but Will did. Can you say anything more about what role muses play in what you create?

M: Well, my background is in design for theatre, and the approach is all based on emotional response, which influences how I design. I talk with people. I want to know what excites them, what they think they look good in, what makes them feel pretty, and sexy. That really inspires me. So as a designer, I prefer to design for specific people. And when there’s one person liking a thing, there are always others who will like it too.

You have women on your site too (scrolling through their site).

M: I’m still struggling with that part, because there are so many lingerie designers for women, so it’s just not as interesting. But I do want to make stuff that I want to wear, so pretty much everything that’s for women is there because I made it for me and I said, “Meh, let’s put it out there. Maybe someone will want it.”

W: And there are lots of people asking for it too. Our friends who wear the stuff are like, “Oh my god, I’m never wearing anything else, make me more. I need, like, 6.”

How did you come up with the name Wicked Mmm?

W: Well there’s the initials of our names, but that’s a lucky coincidence…

M: Among other reasons, the 3 Ms are meant to encompass “Mr.,” “Ms.,” and “Mx.”

W: We’re actually developing 3 sections on our site to explain what we’re doing for each of those specific segments of people.

M: Cis 40-50 year-old men are actually a big part of our demographic.

And trans people must make up some of your customer base too?

M: Yes, but not as much yet. But those are the customers we’re most concerned with, because even though we want to keep encouraging cis men to find new ways of defining what it is to be manly, we want to reach out to everyone, and we know it’s harder for some than others.

Do you still make custom lingerie for people?

M: I do. It either takes the form of someone liking something already on our site and asking for it in a custom size, or else I make a true custom piece that ends up becoming a thing that other people can buy. One time I had a customer who asked for a humiliation item, for example—a crotchless pair of underwear.

How would you describe the aesthetic of the brand?

M: Modern, edgy, sexy…

W: Basically, anything that makes you go “Mmm.”

M: Especially for the stuff I do for men, I see a lot of sissy stuff—feminizing men, and it’s all frills, and it seems like the inspiration, is, you know, 1800s petty coats. I’m more about clean lines. It’s just as much about the body as it is about the lace.

W: We’re kind of in the process of evolution now, as to defining exactly what Wicked is. A lot of what we make is inspired by what we want to see in the bedroom.

M: Not just in the bedroom.

W: In a setting where bedroom articles are accepted.

M: In a setting where good things happen….We’re definitely very sex-positive.

W: We do fetish events, and stuff like that.

M: We’re not following trends, but we’re going with, “this is what I want, this is what I’m finding pretty at the moment. Of course I’m inspired by other designers, but I’m also trying to cater to trans women who are pre-op and want sexy underwear that are not fetishized, that are just something that any cis woman would wear, but that would fit right. That’s important. Many of our most popular items are common sexy styles made to fit male parts.

Can you boil down Wicked Mmm’s philosophy into a few words?

M: Gender is a construct that society builds into separate binary ideas, and we’re saying, “fuck that.” Gender is not so black and white, and neither is fashion.

W: “Performance-tested.”

Do you get feedback from customers?

M: When we have repeat customers or anyone else who has contacted me or shown interest, I actually follow up with them to check in about the fit and comfort of a new item. That’s really fun.

W: Sometimes there’s a lot of interest. People want to tell us how amazing whatever they got was, and—

M: And sometimes it’s too much information, like they want to talk about their kinks and how our lingerie plays into it, and you’re like, “that’s cool, I’m glad you’re having fun!”

You can save that for your case studies manuscript, or your coffee table book.

W: Speaking of coffee table book, yes.

Right?

M: Also worth mentioning that sometimes people ask me why handmade lingerie is so expensive, and I’m really trying to keep the prices reasonable, but these things take time.

Will, can you comment on your experience being a muse and model to Masha? Anything specific to being a male-bodied muse and model?

W: Masha makes me feel more like me, is the best way that I can put it. I was unhappy before I was 30, really because I wasn’t me. Finding the kink community, that’s a whole aspect of it. But, accepting myself as a queer, non-binary person, is a whole other level that really was a process. And that acceptance, I’ve only ever come into fully with Masha. And it’s still a learning process, because I wasn’t exposed to that my entire life, and I didn’t have words for what I was feeling before. So, it’s a big topic. As soon as she gave me the first panties, I was like, “Oh my god.” And I haven’t worn any other underwear since I started wearing her stuff.

Sounds like a monogamous relationship with the underwear.

W: Not one pair, obviously.

M: It’s a monogamous relationship with the brand.

Have you ever felt shy?

W: No, I’m a very internal person, but I’ve always enjoyed people seeing me, and challenging their ideas of what a male-bodied person should look like. And confusing someone to the point where they’re like, “Oh, look at that lady…Oh—my god.” It really makes me feel good. As introverted as I am, I’m an exhibitionist. That idea that I’m causing someone emotions…

Does mixing business and pleasure work for you two, being in a relationship and all? Do they ever get in the way of each other?

M: I would say it was easier in the beginning. Now, our business roles are more defined. We still get along great and we’re always able to talk through our issues, but it’s not always smooth sailing.

Are you able to turn off pleasure for the sake of business, and vice versa?

W: I can.

M: Mmmm. Working from home is hard. There’s the bed, there’s the fridge, but somehow I manage to fill orders.

W: And right now we’ve got crunch time coming up. We’ve been invited to Fetish Weekend, and we have a fashion segment there—at Café Cleo on Friday the August 29th.

M: It’s going to be more like a play, or 4 very short plays. The motivation behind it is to explore who our ideal customers are, what they’re into, but done in a way where it’s entertaining for everyone.

How do you want the company to evolve in the coming years? Is being subversive a priority?

W: I never want to drop the subversion.

M: Right now its subversive because what we do is still not widely accepted. There’s a long road ahead for trans people, for example, to be treated like people. And, I would like to keep the business smallish and handmade. I’d love to have people working for us, but getting rich and abandoning ship is not on my list.

W: So long as gender constructs are an issue, they’re one we’ll fight for.

Human beings are obsessed with certainty: formulas, definitions, sure things. Indeed, this obsession of ours may just be the root of all suffering—if you really think about it. Because every time something is defined, something else is cut down to size. The same is true of “radical” communities—even those focused on gender marginalization. Indeed, bisexual erasure is just as prevalent as the effacing of people of colour in many self-proclaimed gender-aware circles. While one may think that sexual orientation and race should both be heavy considerations in said environments—where self-determination is supposed to be everything—shitty multi generational habits die hard.

Identifying Freddie Mercury

Born Farrokh Bulsara, the late (and legendary) Freddie Mercury of Queen had a notoriously flamboyant stage presence but he was a rather private figure and there is still much misconception surrounding his personal life (specifically his sexuality), over 25 years after his untimely death in 1991 at just 45. Today most media still portray him as gay even though he was openly bisexual. He had relationships with both men and women and never identified as gay. Unsurprisingly, very few people know that Mercury was a bisexual of colour too: he was of Persian descent and grew up in the Sultanate of Zanzibaras well as in India before moving to England in his teens.

On top of the persistent stigma around being bi, the fact that Mercury’s death came just a day after rumours that he’d been suffering from AIDS were confirmed, only fed representations of his gayness. Back in the 1980s, the disease was demonized,and mainly associated with the gay community. Fun fact: AIDS used to be known as Gay-Related Immune Deficiency (GRID). But this, combined with the fact that his last long-term partner was a man is still no excuse for the misinformation.

Mercurial Misinformation

Dan Savage is infamous for saying that, whenever he meets a young self-identified bisexual, he replies, “I was, too, when I was your age.” Kurt Hummel from “Glee” once said, “Bisexual is a term that gay guys in high school use when they want to hold hands with girls and feel like a normal person for a change.”

Bisexuals today are very often portrayed as immature, and/or greedy. In spite of this, it wasn’t long ago that promiscuity was associated more with gay communities specifically, and Freddie Mercury, who was notoriously promiscuous, got lumped in for this reason as well.

Take this Freddie Mercury meme that says, “Didn’t actually like fat-bottom girls. Still did his job.” Clearly the all-holy meme-maker in question failed to fact-check, because Mercury did like fat-bottom girls. He also wrote the song “Love of My Life” about Mary Austin, his lover of 7 years.Contrary to popular belief, Mercury was, according to his obituary, ” a self-confessed bi-sexual” with both male and female lovers.

Pansexual vs Bisexual

In our current day and age, where more and more people seem to be identifying as Pansexual (a gender-blind openness to people who identify as men, women, or any other gender), bisexuality continues to be erased, and is sometimes simply seen as a less inclusive version of pansexuality. This, in my opinion, is a disservice to the particularity of being a bisexual who might not feel an attraction to trans people, for example (I can hear a few offended gasps, but I’m just keeping it real here).

Bohemian Rhapsody: the movie

Some are saying that the upcoming Freddie Mercury biopic,set to be released in November, will present a false version of the bisexual superstar.When it was announced, it was flagged for erasing the musician’s bisexuality and the circumstances of his death in the context of the AIDS crisis in 1991. Borat’s Sacha Baron Cohen was supposed to play Mercury, but he ultimately left the project after reported conflicts with the band, who supposedly didn’t want to focus on their late mate’s sexuality.

Awareness is on going work

Not convinced the erasure of one random group of people is worth your attention? According to the San Francisco Human Rights Commission’s report on bisexual invisibility, in 2008, not one of the US grants slated toward LGBTQ activism addressed bisexuality specifically. The report shows bisexuals have a higher risk of suicide and poorer mental health than the general population, and that there is indeed a correlation between the lack of bisexual visibility and these issues. That’s why we need initiatives like Bi Visibility Day. Popular education has no end, friends.

Who wants to go see the Bohemian Rhapsody movie with me this fall to celebrate one of the sexiest bisexuals to ever walk the earth? We can stage a protest if the rumours are true.

]]>
https://wickedmmm.ca/blogs/news/is-queer-culture-bigger-than-ever2018-04-24T08:30:00-04:002018-05-13T16:05:09-04:00Is queer culture bigger than ever?Maya Khamala
Innocent onlookers and passersby may at times wonder to themselves if the number of queer and LGBT people has in fact grown exponentially in the last couple of decades, and more with each passing year. Even I have a touch of innocence to me. But answers don’t come in black or white—rather, they span the entire spectrum of the rainbow, and then some. While there’s no doubt in my mind that the visibility of LGBTQ people and therefore communities has grown due to increasing acceptance, and while I am certain that people feel more comfortable identifying as queer or gay or trans now than they once did, I do not believe that the number of people who identify that way internally has really changed all that much. Yes, the vocabulary has changed, and yes, social media has happened to all of us. But discussion and magnification do not change the core of real, lived queerdom, do they?

The digits are indeed higher

Figures drawn from the largest representative sample of LGBT Americans collected in the US show that the number of American adults who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender increased from 3.5% in 2012to 4.1% in 2016. These numbers indicate that over 10 million adults now identify as LGBT in the US—about 1.75 million more than in 2012.

A 2015 report by the Public Religion Research Institute (PRRI) on the sexual attitudes of millennials found “seven percent of millennials identify either as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender.”The last major meta-analysis of the size of the LGBT population in the US, produced by the Williams Institute in 2011, estimated that 3.5% of adults identified as lesbian, gay, or bisexual, and that 0.3% identified as transgender.

Labels offer more pride and less shame than they once did

The fact that these numbers all point to an increase is what it is: an encouraging sign that people’s reluctance to come on out and self-report may be going the way of the dodo. As social acceptance of LGBT people rises, being labeled “gay” is not a big deal as it once was. While I’m in no way discounting the fresh hell many LGBTQ people undoubtedly suffer out in the world or at home with their families, we also live in an age where OKCupid offers 12 sexual orientation options and more than 20 gender ones.

In Canada, trans people’s right to use the name and gender pronouns they choose is protected by law–a hard-fought victory won by generations of queer and trans activists, artists, and scholars who continue to fight to ensure these legals rights are reflected in people’s behaviour. No easy task.

Strategic stats

Early gay activists claimed that 1 out of every 10 people strayed from the straight and narrow. But as Gary J. Gates of the Williams Institute notes in a Washington Post op-ed, this 1-in-10 statistic, which continues to circulate informally today, was actually more strategic than it was factual. Interestingly, however, what the new data suggests is that more older Americans may be lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender than previous estimates led people to believe—indeed, the 1-in-10 stat may have in fact been closer to correct than critics thought. It seems highly unlikely, then, that the overall proportion of LGBT people has changed much over the last few generations. According to a recent study in the Journal of Sex Research that analyzed data from 1991 to 2010, the prevalence of reported same-sex sexual behavior has fluctuated a lot over the years, yet “the percentage of people reporting a pattern of predominantly same-gender sexual behavior has neither increased nor decreased over time.”

From the stats to the streets

L, G, B, T, and Q, and all the identities outside of these and between these are not the same, and cannot be conflated, but stats are as of yet limited—as is the very notion of a statistic to begin with. If anything is clear, however, it’s that the existence of alternate genders, sexual orientations, and lifestyles are slowly but surely taking up the space they should. Still, outside the little circles of freedom that queer and trans communities have carved out, some level of repression is still required to stay safe and/or accepted in most places. Which is precisely why growing visibility—both in the stats and in the streets—continues to be integral to LGBTQ lives.

In 2013, French photographer Olivier Ciappa did a set of shots with celebrities to help dispel homophobic rhetoric. In the series, called “Les Couples Imaginaires” or “Imaginary Couples,” straight actors, artists and athletes were among those Ciappa shot, including Quebec directors Denis Villeneuve and Jean-Marc Vallée (it was particularly challenging to find Quebec participants), and actress Eva Longoria. The main idea was for the subjects to pose as same-sex couples or families, in order to combat homophobia. Sadly, the exhibit has been repeatedly vandalized in Toulouse, France, and finally, the entire show stolen.

Ciappa has explained that he decided to create the series after a picture of himself, his partner and their baby was shared millions of times online. “I wanted the viewer to confront the gentleness, the simplicity of these images in order to change their [out]look … and keep only the essentials: love, nothing but love.” But, big surprise: one of his shots of Olympic gymnasts Benoit Caranobe and Thomas Bouhailgot taken down by Facebook after a complaint. We’re talking one man’s naked side exposed, here.

I’m pretty certain that what prompted the “complaint” was not so much about the vision of bare skin as it was the vision of intimacy, vulnerability, and sexuality between two men. Toxic masculinity, yo: in case you missed the memo, it doesn’t mean all masculinity is toxic; it means the very narrow views of accepted expressions of masculinity and femininity are toxic.

In December 2017, the Sherbrooke, Quebec school board scheduled a series of anti-homophobia workshops with Prima Danse, a non-profit that uses dance as a means of social intervention and to promote a healthy lifestyle. In workshop number two, when the group showed an image of former Montreal Alouette safety Étienne Boulay and former Montreal Impact player David Testo closely embracing (an image from Ciappa’s exhibit), one father in attendance approached the school, asking them to stop the workshops because his child was embarrassed after viewing the image. The workshops had been provided 50+ times and this was the first-ever complaint, FYI. According to Prima Danse’s Katrina Journeau, the parent told her “Sherbrooke isn’t necessarily like Montreal” and“students in the sixth grade shouldn’t necessarily need to hear about homosexuality.”

Imagine if there did exist arbitrary age and geographical borders within which homosexuality and therefore homophobia was relevant? Not even sure how to begin to touch that one. But guess what? Even in avant-garde Montreal, with its protests and its concerts and its gay village, the struggles remain. Sadly, Wicked Mmm itself just had their very own Facebook page taken down for the following photo

of the fabulous Tristan Ginger in a one-sided thong. Wicked Mmm has had similar issues in the past: their ads show the same amount of skin shown as in other ads (read: ads with scantily clad or naked women), and yet the "sexual nature" of theirs has been called into question.

Double standards: a thorn in our side

Suppressing male expressions of beauty and tenderness, thereby also further suppressing the female gaze, is a major thorn in the side of our (man’s) world. The double standards are deeply ingrained: although progress is being made at a snail’s pace, male nudity is still largely unaccepted, and still clearly makes a lot of men uncomfortable, especially if the imagery in question can in any way be perceived as less-than-masculine, or effeminate, or goddess forbid, feminine! Meanwhile, we all know female nudity is accepted, expected, sought after, hyper sexualized, exploited—and yet also stigmatized. Indeed, 2018 though it may be, we women are often damned if we do, and damned if we don’t. I’m talking about slut shaming on the one end, and prude shaming on the other, à la Madonna-Whore Complex.

Apparently our man’s world can dish it out but can’t take it whatsoever. And by “it,” I mean a little bit of objectification (not that I’m saying we shouldn’t revise the tenets of objectification!). Sarcasm: goddess forbid we a) acknowledge that women have eyes just as men do and that we might wanna see a little skin sometimes too, and b) that homosexual men (and women) have just as much a right to visual representations as anyone else—and that said visuals do not exist to please straight men—as seems to be expected by the world at large, Facebook included.

Language may not be everything, but given that human beings are inextricably and intimately intertwined with the words we create and the meaning we assign to them, and given that textual and verbal communication are deeply integral to much of the conversing we do, words matter, and they’re anything but cheap.

Anti-oppressive language

While some of us may be more than conscious of the need to put work into mastering the nuances of anti-oppressive language, many of us have no idea what on earth oppressive language might be to begin with. Sometimes it presents as the in-built and normalized linguistic problematics of deeply racist and sexist terminology (a map of history really), while other times it can manifest amid the arguably more complex and challenging maze of gender pronouns and non-binary language more generally—a topic that has seen a lot of (increasing) attention in the media in recent years as horizons broaden and human minds open more and more to the wide expanse that is the universe.

A 2013 report from Intelligence Group found that 60% of people between 14 and 34 think gender lines are blurred and nearly two-thirds say it’s their generation that’s pushing those boundaries. MTV’s Colin Nash tells Variety: “Gender neutral is kind of the new thing…Trans almost feels like a couple years behind for our audience.”

All-inclusive language

Having personally worked in a gender advocacy center for upwards of 6 years, I was well-positioned to learn how to respect peoples’ chosen pronouns, no matter where on the gender spectrum they happened to land. Sometimes this meant saying “they” instead of “he” or “she,” sometimes it looked like switching “he” for “she” or vice versa, sometimes it took the form of “ze” and “hir,” and other times it involved keeping up with a person’s ever-evolving identity by checking in regularly. But people not steeped in such environments often find it extremely difficult to grasp such linguistic alterations, much less the reasons behind them. In other words, there is a real accessibility problem. Not to mention, the task can become immeasurably more difficult in inherently gendered languages like Spanish, German, and French. Many things to consider.

Non-binary language in business

While using gender neutral/ non binary language in the day-to-day is one thing, from a business perspective, it can be altogether more challenging. Companies that want to reach adolescents and millennials have to show they “get it.” Facebook made it official when they told the world that limiting binary-gendered options is a thing of the past. From a drop-down menu, users can select from 58 different identities, including agender, androgyne, gender fluid, trans female, trans male, trans person, cisgender, and two-spirit. (Each term refers to a subtle variation of gender and sexual identity and expression.) For users who don’t fit into the 58 pre-populated list of gender identities, Facebook offers a 59th option: “fill in the blank.”

A small company selling products to individuals, however, simply must deal with more challenges than a mammoth dealing in social media does when it comes to struggling with the binary-centric language of business and capital. While on the one hand, a business may deeply value inclusivity and the use of language that reflects this properly, and while their target audience may indeed respond better to the use of such language, on the other hand, using language that encompasses status quo word use is often more conducive to being found by would-be customers/clients, especially online. The fact is, in spite of slow and steady change, we still live in a largely capitalist / binary universe, and moving beyond simply surviving to thriving while at the same time staying true to one’s values and worldview can be extremely daunting. While ad/web copy is known to work best when concise, to the point, and snappy, using inclusive language can create long-windedness and confusion, making it a bit scary to follow through on.

Thought of the day: in addition to ramping up discussions on the use of non-binary language, should we also be talking about why snappy and concise is valued so much over detailed and in-depth? Would this perhaps help us to unlock a barrier or two on the road to true, successful, ever-evolving language that everyone can understand and learn from?

]]>
https://wickedmmm.ca/blogs/news/stop-judging-men-who-care-about-their-looks2018-01-30T10:00:00-05:002018-02-28T08:41:29-05:00Stop judging men who care about their looks: Why men should put more effort into looking good (for women)Maya Khamala
Stop judging men who care about their looks:Why men should put more effort into looking good (for women)

Ever noticed that (in mainstream society), while women are criticized for not putting effort into their appearance or “taking care of themselves,” as the coded language goes, men are often judged for just the opposite? It’s likely that you’ve noticed the former but not so much the latter. Let me be clear: I think there is just as much of an issue with the male-imposed critical gaze and unrealistic body images that women have had to grapple with forever, as I do with the also male-imposed notion that “real” men don’t spend time on their appearance. I don’t think men should be held to fucked up beauty standards as women have been, just as I don’t believe men should ingest damaging hormonal contraceptives as women have; endless wrong never make a right. I do, however, think that notions of beauty for both women and men need some attentive revision.

Society polices men who care (about their looks)

The term “metrosexual” originated in an article by Mark Simpson published in 1994 in The Independent. Simpson wrote:

“Metrosexual man, the single young man with a high disposable income, living or working in the city (because that's where all the best shops are), is perhaps the most promising consumer market of the decade. In the Eighties he was only to be found inside fashion magazines such as GQ. In the Nineties, he's everywhere and he's going shopping.”

The typical “metrosexual” is a young man with money to spend, living in or within close proximity to a city, because that's where all the best stores, clubs, gyms and hairdressers are located. Although he might be gay, straight or bisexual, this is irrelevant because whatever his orientation, he clearly loves himself a little too much. He is clearly too invested in his own pleasure. But why is a man who does something a woman is known to do (care about her appearance) automatically over-the-top?

It’s precisely the unflattering portrayal of the “metrosexual” that has contributed to a backlash against the term from men who simply wanted to feel free to spend more time, care, money, (you name it) on their appearance than had been the norm in the 1990s.

Women also have eyes

I have a friend who used to complain to me about her boyfriend’s horrible fashion sense. How ill-fitting his pants were, how he was completely unaware of his physical appearance. It bothered her that he didn’t put more effort into “looking pretty” for her. She wasn’t talking about spending (much) money really. She was mostly talking about wanting to feel like she was important enough to him to warrant a glance in the mirror; she knew she did it for him, after all, and that he appreciated it. Ultimately, said friend communicated her feelings honestly to her man, and lucky for her, he was receptive. She offered some fashion pointers, as did a few of their mutual friends, and for weeks I didn’t hear the end of how much better their relationship was and how much more attracted to him she was. And it was way more about the fact that he’d been willing to put in an effort for her (which ultimately made him feel better too), than the specifics of any given outfit or any dollar amount.

5 harmful stereotypes about men (and why they hurt everyone)

The hush around sexist attitudes and ingrained misogyny as it targets women is slowly fading, in favour of frank discussions and heated online debates, many of them unintelligent. To say there is still a boatload of work to be done is the understatement of the century. Thankfully, people are starting to understand that gender stereotypes, no matter who they directly target, are hard on all people. In case you missed the memo: everything is truly and inextricably connected!

Men often feel pressured to act like “real men.” This pressure comes from the same toxic system that oppresses women. Contrary to what some believe, embracing feminism can address gender stereotypes and get people of all genders imagining a better way forward—men included.

Consider the following 5 harmful stereotypes about men and masculinity that fuck with us all:

1. Boys don’t cry…and neither do real men.

I find this to be one of the worst, and most pervasive. My father did it to my brother. Every guy I talk to has experienced it in some way. Being made to believe, from a young age, that boys should not express emotion unless it is very minimal and necessary, and that to break this rule constitutes being “dramatic” or feminine—as though these were somehow bad things. The stereotype at play here is that men have no emotions, and women are therefore hyper-emotional, to the point of being irrational. As a result, men are often too self-conscious to express themselves honestly, and women often worry about being taken seriously.

2. “Boys will be boys”

It's often considered weird for a straight guy to turn down sexual advances from a woman deemed attractive by mainstream standards. This comes from the harmful stereotype that men are uncontrollably sexual, and that women have no sexual desires. The truth is, we still expect men to want sex and women to turn it down, play hard-to-get, etc.This is problematic in oh-so-many ways. For one, men often think that persistence pays off and therefore see no issue with being coercive, and women that are honest about being sexual beings are slut-shamed. If a woman wears clothing that is “too” revealing and happens to contend with unwanted attention, society often excuses men’s actions. Because, well, men have no self-control, and it’s up to women to keep this in mind when they dress themselves. Don’t kid yourselves: this is socialization, not biology, people.

3. Short men are less masculine

I have personally been among the women who say they don’t want to date men shorter than they are. I’m working on it. The ideas and feelings run deep. As a result of society’s alignment of height with masculinity, a lot of shorter men feel self-conscious. In hetero couples, both men and women tend to gravitate toward pairings where they fall into the appropriate height category. This is connected, of course, to the idea that men should be more dominant than women. If a woman is taller, some see this as a backward power imbalance, and it is viewed as emasculating for a man to have less power than a woman in a relationship—because women are not supposed overpower men, ever. Now consensual power play should be enjoyed of course, but systemic, enforced roles are really no fun for anyone.

4. Men are supposed to have more money

I’ll admit it. I have often enjoyed it when a man pays for me—but mostly because I feel that in a world that doesn’t pay women as much as it pays men, women should have less costs. For me, this is also compounded by the fact that my mother supported our family, and my father never chipped in any cash or work of any kind. Of course, what would actually solve the problem would be equal pay, and an updated validation of “women’s work,” rather than the deeply gendered expectation that men should always pay, and that if they don’t make more money than a woman they’re seeing, that they’re somehow less of a man. Also: ever noticed how many bars and clubs advertise nights where “ladies drink free?” Unfortunately, this is not a noble offering. The desire to let women into parties for free while charging men creates an alcohol-fuelled environment that places men’s sexual desires above women’s consent. After all, men should get what they pay for, right? Gross.

5. Men shouldn’t spend time or energy on their looks

While I enjoy being able to choose from a variety of colours and styles, it’s important to recognize that part of the reason women are given so many fashion choices is because we’re often judged more on our looks than anything else. There are many men out there who would love to get a little crazy, a little flashy, a little flamboyant—but there’s a stigma, since a lot of clothes are considered “gay” or “feminine” for a man to wear—again, as though these were negative. If we can change the way we think, we can change the way we dress. Prince may’ve been ahead of his time wearing lacy panties on stage as he did, chest hair and all, but if he can pull it off, so can the rest of the world.]]>
https://wickedmmm.ca/blogs/news/on-suppressing-the-female-gaze-a-fear-of-male-beauty2017-12-12T10:09:00-05:002017-12-12T10:12:42-05:00On suppressing the female gaze & a fear of male beautyMaya Khamala
On suppressing the female gaze & a fear of male beauty

I have a picture hanging in my bathroom that people react to. Let me rephrase. That men react to. It makes them uncomfortable. It’s a black and white photo, cut from an old art magazine, of a very fit nude man—from neck to mid-thigh—and he’s holding his hard cock in his hand while he lets go and pisses; the clear, strong stream of liquid splashes magically upward. I quite like the image, and it seems appropriate, hanging there in my bathroom. But the appealing visual is not the only reason I just may leave this thing hanging in my bathroom forever. As those who know me know, I like to shake things up. And the fact that men who have spent time in my bathroom have almost invariably been somewhat put off and uncomfortable with this image is a sad reminder that we still live in a world molded by the unescapable male gaze.

Objectification…brought to you by the status quo

The male gaze refers to the way the universes we know it (and women, particularly) are portrayed from a masculine and heterosexual POV, as objects of (most often white) male pleasure: in the arts, literature, pop culture, and everywhere else by extension.

Regardless of our gender, it’s no news to most of us that women are objectified by society at large. In fact, it’s so yesterday’s news that it’s become both normalized and expected. But this does not change the fact that this totally widespread, systemic objectification is made possible by the status quo power imbalances that be.

But women are art!

I’m pretty straight. I love men, and I find men’s bodies beautiful. Yet if I had a nickel for every man who waxed poetic in my presence about how beautiful women’s bodies are, how the nude woman is an inherent work of art, etc., while in the same breath denouncing or downplaying notions that a) this is objectifying, and b) that men and women alike might benefit immeasurably from an evening of the scales and an acknowledgement of men’s inherent beauty, well, maybe I wouldn’t feel so economically marginalized in my womanhood.

Generally speaking, men, especially straight men, squirm a little (or a lot) at the possibility of the gaze shifting, at the idea of being the visual object rather than the almighty artist. I dated two men in turn, one a photographer, and one an illustrator, and I’m sure you can guess what both of their favourite subjects were: naked women. It would be one thing if the occasional male visual artist landed on the beauty of the female form, but unfortunately the obsession with men’s portrayals of women has come at a cost: women’s portrayals of men are virtually non-existent and often frowned upon as inappropriate, distracting, immature, or even disgusting when they do happen to make it through. So when we laughingly discuss how well sex sells, let us keep in mind that what we actually mean is that sexualized women sell, and that variations on this theme often do not. And the fact that men have more money than women with which to buy or consume art does not help anyone achieve balance.

Flipping the gaze

I was speaking to an incredible woman artist friend of mine (a painter) just the other day about the flipping of the male gaze—the female gaze in painting. Although she was able to point to several instances of women artists who portray other women, or gay male artists who portray other men, these are still quite rare, and the straight female gaze as it pertains to men’s bodies is all but completely erased. Of course, things are slowly shifting, but I personally look very much forward to the day that art collections like this one, or even this one, are no longer considered fringe, daring, or “controversial.”

One of my favourite instances of the (black) female gaze brought to life can be found in Spike Lee’s new TV series remake of his 1986 film She’s Gotta Have It. The series is controversial (gasp!), and the season ends with the female protagonist (a painter) inviting all three of her male lovers over for dinner to introduce them to each other. After dinner, she unveils a painting she’s completed, entitled 3-headed Monster. Truly my hero(ine), this gal has done the unthinkable: she has painted three naked men, side-by-side, with their—ahem—heads exposed. “Objectification is a bitch, right?” she says to their initially shocked faces. The entire series is a still ahead-of-its-time comment on men’s tendencies to rewrite women in their own image, and one woman’s efforts to flip the effect this has on her own life. The good news is, TV in particular is making some noteworthy strides when it comes to flipping the script of late.

So how fast can things change? Beats me. But one thing is for certain in my (female) mind: if we can ever balance power in such a way that the “female gaze” enjoys just as much if not more airtime as the currently all-permeating male gaze, the world as we now know it will cease to exist, and everything from relationship dynamics to fashion choices will need to be reimagined. Time to get imagining.

If there’s any one preference my partners in feminism (friends) and I share when it comes to men (and I must say our tastes vary wildly, since I’ve never once been attracted to any of my friend’s boyfriends and neither they mine), it’s height. Tallness, to be precise. It doesn’t seem to matter that I’m hardly conventional or mainstream by many stretches of the imagination, since it’s all a spectrum, isn’t it?

Besides, the heart wants what it wants, right? And attraction is attraction, yeah? We don’t control it. It’s coded into us. Like urges, cravings, daddy issues. If all this is true (and I’d never insist it was, but if it is), can we unearth the seeming roots of our desire? And are there any good reasons to do so?

I’ve given this question a lot of thought. Because problematic as they may be, I’m attached to the roots of my desire. Both literally and figuratively, dontcha know? My particular daddy issues have time and again led me down the path to the alpha male; tall, large, bearded, dominant, powerful. That’s a long list of qualities, all of which are open to interpretation, and all of which are inextricably connected to our pheromones—you know, actual chemistry, checked box or no checked box. For the purposes of this post, we’re focusing on “tall.” You know, versus short.

Criteria: what are your deal-breakers?

I didn’t start out saying to myself, “I want a tall man, or at least a man taller than I am.” But I know many women who do. We’re taught that it’s attractive to be multi-level smaller than men, after all, so it’s not that shocking that many of us are attracted to men who make us feel that way. As it turns out though, one of my first and still-favourite loves happened to be marginally shorter than me. True story. And he was the bar to which I raised all others for many years thereafter, never giving a second thought to his height.

Online dating: shaping how we filter and eliminate

Since I’m already a ripe old 35, I came of age pre social media, and I can remember our first computer. Hell, I can even remember our first VCR. For me, the total permeation of clickable, swipable, all-too- visual man profiles has been anything but hot. Will this one make it through my contrived outer ringer and into my circle of datable options? Will that one survive my current mood? Online dating’s near-total takeover has turned me into a pro-pruner—and one that has been known to weed out the shortest man-flowers first (please forgive the term), never knowing for sure how my body, mind, or heart would respond to theirs in an actual face-to- face.

Are we limiting ourselves?

Every woman friend I’ve ever engaged on the subject, be they online or voraciously offline, has expressed a marked, somewhat shamefaced preference for taller men. We feel like bad feminists for being so deterministic. Some will say it’s biological, and there’s always a study out there to back up any “fact” we choose to highlight. But I wonder: are we limiting ourselves? Maybe our (people of all genders’) collective dissatisfaction and even loneliness stems from this deep-rooted lack of ability to imagine beyond identity indicators like height (I know many men who prefer smaller women too)—which I would argue technology is exacerbating. And, in broader strokes, is women's preference for taller men a kind of internalized misogyny? Does it perpetuate and replicate shitty power dynamics, over and over?

Personally, I don’t take kindly to being told to check my desire, or analyze my attraction, or open my mind to someone I’m not really “feeling.” But, since I’ve started mulling these questions over, I think it’s really worth mentioning that I’m attracted to a broader range of men than I was before, many of them shorter than me. So I think what I’m getting at here is that attraction is at least in part learned, and that a good ol’ dose of reflection can often free us up to be more open to those who do not conform ideally to what we think we want. Once we’ve got that kind of freedom, there’s no telling what can happen.

]]>
https://wickedmmm.ca/blogs/news/spotlight-on-prince2017-11-07T10:00:00-05:002017-11-18T15:06:06-05:00Spotlight on PrinceMaya Khamala
intro blog post, I mentioned that I would at times be profiling the lives of sexy gender revolutionaries. Since I also mentioned my lifelong infatuation with Prince, and since there’s no one else I’ve been more inspired by as an artist, and as a human, I figure he’s a good place to start.

The Music

If you know anything about Prince, you know Purple Rain, Little Red Corvette, or any of about a dozen other 80s funkadelic hits. What many don’t know is that this guy was prolific. His ever-expansive creative drive may or may not be ultimately what sent him to an early grave, but it sure as hell saw to it that his life was rich and full while he was around. He released 40 albums in a 38-year time span, and had a secret vault (you heard me) where another 80 or so albums’ worth of never-released music was discovered upon his death. It may take a die-hard fan to tell you that he was good for way more/deeper/bigger genius than the mainstream generally promoted (i.e. masterpiece piano, soul, and jazz albums). He could play 50+ instruments (so, any instrument) and voice powers ranged from his signature falsetto to lesser known throaty ballads and even rap. The versatility of his music could only have come from a man spinning versatile magic.

Here I’ll invoke a few telling lines in Prince’s We Can Funk, circa 1990, off his album Graffiti Bridge:

“Listen, I said I will be your little baby Yeah, I can be your big strong man I can be your girl or boy, I can be your toy Alright, let's dance.”

That about sums it up for me. Fun fact: both of Prince’s ex-wives still love him.

The Man

Standing not-so-tall at 5’2, some might say Prince (born Prince Rogers Nelson) was an over-achiever in the Napoleonic sense. Small man, big moves. He was born poor and had a lot to lose, yet always seemed to recognize what was at stake should he betray himself.

Prince made it okay to simultaneously embody the following identities: cis, hetero man; black man; tiny man; alpha male; slut; feminist; husband; sexual renegade—to name a few. There’s not enough time in this life to get into all the ways he was. But one thing’s for sure: in both his music and his life, he broke the rules—even when people said it would not be lucrative to do so,and that he might sacrifice popularity, which was sometimes true.

The Clothes

Prince was famous for his large collection of high heel boots. They were an extension of his body, lending him a few extra inches, but more importantly, they were an extension of his unique creative style. Clothing-wise, he ravished audiences around the world with an astonishingly wide range of get-ups, from skin-tight, to revealing, to flamboyantly colourful—at times presenting as very “feminine,” at times willfully androgynous, and at times unclassifiably daring. He also made a number of unforgettable public appearances in little more than skimpy underwear; indeed, several of his album covers show off his exposed body, body hair, and even exposed pubic hair as he owns his shit in little more than a thong. Although much of what I’m referring to went down in the 80s and 90s, it’s still considered pretty daring for a man to present in such a way in 2017.

Although he later started covering up more as he evolved as an artist and a human, the one constant that I find truly mind-blowing is how, through it all, he remained a) exceedingly confident, b) hot and manly, c) very popular with the ladies.

Secure Manhood

Just as he pissed off many a record company for trying to box him in or weigh him down with labels, he also bit his thumb at society’s gender and sexuality conventions. It’s clear from his actions, his wardrobe choices, as well as his daring lyrics that Prince embodied a manhood so secure that many were convinced he was gay, or at least bi, but he never bothered to correct them; manhood so secure it could be swaddled in lace and spandex and still be hetero hot.

Here’s to hoping the funky one’s having a good after party.

Moral of the story? Don’t betray who you are, ever, and don’t think that just because you’re a man, you can’t get really colourful, creative, and skimpy with your attire if you feel like pushing the envelope—or the package, as it were.J

]]>
https://wickedmmm.ca/blogs/news/this-is-about-so-much-more-than-men-s-panties2017-10-17T16:35:00-04:002017-12-02T13:42:14-05:00This is about so much more than men’s panties.Maya Khamala

First and foremost, this first-ever panty post is about loving the word panty. And of course, it’s about loving panties proper. Being the particular kind of woman I am, I love wearing panties of all kinds: the skimpier the better. And being the particular kind of woman of colour I am, I love my lingerie in rich, popping hues or bold fluorescent shades.

But it took my destined meeting with the Creatrix of Wicked Mmm, Masha herself, and her muse boy, WillCat, to be reminded that my lifelong infatuation with the late musical genius and sex symbol Prince is also a deep attraction to an artist ahead of his time whose every move (and wardrobe choice) brazenly interrogated gender norms—masculinity in particular.

I’m honoured to be commencing an official blogging practice for Wicked Mmm here today. Think of this as my intro post. As blog writer, the avenues I’m excited to explore include but are not limited to:

The lives of sexy gender revolutionaries and how exactly they use panties to express their badassery

Interviews with Wicked Mmm customers and the Wicked Mmm founding duo

Interviews with men who are challenging mainstream masculinity

Men’s body types and public perception

The damaging idea that spending energy on appearances is women’s work

Trends in men’s panties around the world

Self-love via under garments

The origins of the macho esthetic

Vital reasons for men of any sexual orientation to take the leap and exercise their goddess-given right to wear panties

Harmful stereotypes about men

Masculinity and race in pop culture and how it affects us all

People who harbour concerns about the “feminization” of men and why this is problematic

Ways personal clothing choices can strengthen romantic relationships and society at large

Masculinity, creativity, and sensual men

Domination, submission, and panties

The ever-evolving concept of manhood

And what better than Masha’s high quality, lovingly designed lace lingerie “for people with packages” to inspire and provide perspective on these myriad complex discussions?

I look forward to exploring all of this and more with you, faithful Wicked Mmm readers, as we navigate the uncertain but exciting terrain of men’s intimate apparel and all the potential excellence this fruitful exercise can bring.

Who am I, exactly?

I’m a Montreal-based freelance writer: journalist, poet, storyteller, erotica-writer, blogger, copywriter, and lover of clear communication. Words are my favourite thing in the universe. Nothing gets me hotter than the right choice of words. Nothing. I did my BA and MA in Creative Writing and English Lit at Concordia University. I was a full-time community organizer at Montreal's Centre for Gender Advocacy for 6 years, and did a lot of popular education and solidarity work around violence against Native communities, reproductive and sexual health, sexual assault awareness, intersections of race and gender, and even co-founded a Men and Feminism collective while there. What else? I’m a lover of men and give a lot of thought to what makes one (a man).

Looking forward to embarking on this hot and manly voyage with y’all. Stay tuned!