Monthly Archives: June 2014

So I figured it out
I figured out why the war with Morgoth is so slow
think about it
elves are immortal
if nobody stabs them
they don’t die
EVER
so the only time a battle ever happens
is when a bunch of elves gets tired of living
which seems to happen like once every two or three hundred years

so he goes around convincing elves to join his army
but here’s the problem
Maedhros is one of Feanor’s kids
and everyone is still pissed at Feanor for the whole boat burning thing
so almost all of the elves are sworn not to help Maedhros
and those who aren’t
are either pissed off at Maedhros for demanding the Silmaril from them
or unwilling to help because they live in Turgon’s secret base.
But he’s still got Fingon, high king of the Noldor
plus all the Dwarves
and most of the humans
and when they’re on their way to stomp Morgoth
Turgon changes his mind and sends all his dudes to come help too
plus they’ve got a great plan
where Fingon draws out Morgoth’s forces
and then Maedhros comes up and takes those forces from behind
in a classic surprise-butt-fuck I mean pincer maneuver
so all in all it’s not looking too bad.

Here’s the problem though:
there’s still like another hundred pages in this book
and shit has to get way worse before it’s over.
Morgoth finds out about the plan
so he mind controls a bunch of shitty humans from the east side
to come west and join the army against him
just so they can betray it.
They do this in several stages:

STAGE ONE:
Some shitty dude named Uldor the Accursed
(why would you let a dude with that name in your army?)
goes to Maedhros like DUDE
SLOW DOWN
GRAB THE WALL
MORGOTH’S ON HIS WAY TO MAKE YOUR ASS FALL OFF
and Maedhros does indeed slow down
which means Fingon is left holding his dick in front of Morgoth’s fortress
waiting for his bro to show up for the pincer maneuver

STAGE TWO:
Morgoth sends a portion of his force out to taunt Fingon
they march out and stand just downhill from the allied army
waving their butts and being totally rude
but Fingon is like guys
we’re up on a hill
if they wanna attack us up on the hill we will RUIN them
don’t look at their rude butts
just stay cool.
But then the orcs send a couple of dudes up the hill
like OH HAI THERE
WE HAVE A PRISONER OF YOURS
WATCH WHILE WE TAKE OFF ALL HIS ARMS AND LEGS
DOES THAT MAKE YOU ANGRY?
And the brother of the dude they are dismembering
is like WHY YES IT DOES
CHAAAAAAAARGE
and all the elves are like oh shit are we charging now?
ok
and then BATTLE IS HAPPENING

STAGE 3:
IT DOESN’T EVEN MATTER
The elves are doing awesome in the battle
their swords are mad shiny and that is an advantage
but then all of a sudden
some of those shitty humans start stabbing the wrong people
and the elves and dwarves and other humans are like WTF
NO TEAMKILLING

But it’s too late
the team gets slaughtered
Morgoth wins
and all that’s left are Turgon’s guys from the secret base
who are trying to hold a mountain pass
along with some humans
and the humans are like DUDE JUST LEAVE
and Turgon’s like NO I’M NOT GONNA LEAVE
and the humans are like THEY DON’T KNOW WHERE YOUR SECRET BASE IS
YOU CAN TOTALLY HIDE THERE AND BE FINE
and Turgon is like oh yeah ok
totally leaving.

So he leaves
and all the humans die
and then the orcs take all the corpses from the battle
and just make a big ol huge pile of corpses
so big as to be visible from the remaining elf lands.
it makes the elves really sad
and the orcs are actually kind of creeped out by it too
to the point that none of them walk there ever again
but then some grass grows on it
and it actually ends up being the nicest place in Morgoth’s territory

so the moral of the story
is that when life gives you corpses
make landscaping decisions.

so this kid gets some soldiers for his birthday
these soldiers are made out of tin because this is the fucking stone age
and they’re not even made out of enough tin
because one of them only has one leg
and this is the dude our story is about
BECAUSE HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN HATES HIS CHARACTERS

so this soldier gets out of his box
and he sees this paper castle
and in this paper castle there is a ballerina
and because she is a paper doll and not a real person
she is constantly standing on one leg forever
and the soldier can’t see her other leg
so he’s like HOLY SHIT
SHE’S CRIPPLED LIKE ME
OBVIOUSLY WE ARE SOUL MATES
BUT WAIT
I’M POOR
FUCK
BETTER JUST STARE AT HER ALL NIGHT INSTEAD OF MAKING A MOVE
so he does

then at midnight this goblin shows up like
FUCK YOU STOP LOOKING AT MY WOMAN
and the tin soldier says nothing
because remember
HE’S A TIN FUCKING SOLDIERif you read this story carefully
you will notice that he does literally nothing the entire time
(it’s because he’s not alive)

so then the next morning the boy who owns him puts him in the window
and he falls out because he only has one leg
and no one can find him because they’re all blind assholes
until it starts raining and some street kids show up
and they prove that they deserve to be orphans
by putting this helpless soldier in a paper boat
and sending him on a one-way trip to drown town
aka the gutter
where he gets chased by a rat and then eaten by a fish
and then someone kills the fish
and someone else cuts it open
and they’re like HOLY SHIT IT’S A TIN SOLDIER
WE NEED TO STOP FEEDING OUR FISH SHIT LIKE THIS
SERIOUSLY
POLLUTION IS A PROBLEM
THOSE GUTTERS DRAIN TO THE OCEAN YOU GUYS
STOP THROWING TOYS IN, YOU SHITTY CHILDREN

but then guess what
THE SOLDIER ENDS UP RIGHT BACK IN THE SAME HOUSE HE FELL OUT OF
and the party is still going on
because these kids party hard
they party REALLY HARD
they party SO HARD
that one kid grabs the tin soldier
and chucks him in the fucking FIRE
and he MELTS
and then a breeze catches the little paper dancer princess
and blows her into the fucking fire too
and FWOOM
LOVE IS DEAD.
Later the fire goes out and the soldier has melted into a tin heart
the maid scoops it up and throws it in the trash.

WOW
REALLY?
So basically what you did, Hans Christian Andersen
is you gave feelings to an inanimate tin soldier
just so you could drag him through a sewer
and then set him on fire
and have it be a bad experience for him
GUYS
IS THERE A NOBEL PRIZE FOR BEING A BIG OL JERK?
BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE WE JUST FOUND OUR WINNER
FOR EVERY YEAR
FOREVER

Oh, you want a moral?
Fine
the moral is don’t fall in love if your legs don’t work
you’ll end up in a fire because children suck
you know what
don’t fall in love even if your legs do work
working legs don’t make you immune to fire
just hate everyone you meet
and stay away from fires.

So there’s this dude named Humpty Dumpty
NO HE IS NOT AN EGG
WHERE IN THE RHYME DOES IT SAY HE’S AN EGG, HUH?
NOWHERE
oh yes, some people say it’s a riddle
and the answer is “he’s an egg”
WELL RIDDLE ME THIS:
FUCK YOU

so this dude is sitting on a wall
he is wasted like a handjob on a paraplegic
probably because his name is slang for a really gross brandy cocktail
but whatever the reason
he falls off this wall
and he SHATTERS

Here’s what I think
I think a wizard did it
I think a wizard was sick of Humpty’s shit
his boisterous ways and his dumb name
and he hit him with a freeze ray
knocked him off the wall
and KA-SPLANK
turned Mister Dumpty into a mosaic-in-waiting
PUT THAT IN YOUR HISTORY BOOKS
NERDS
fuck, first put the original rhyme in history books
then replace it with mine
problem solved, let’s move on

so to make matters worse
all of the king’s horses have escaped
they are stampeding through the town
the king has had to assign ALL OF HIS MEN to apprehend the dumb beasts
so they all come gallumphing down the alley
grinding Humpty’s frozen giblets into even smaller giblettes
and then they’re all like whoa whoa
what the fuck
did someone let a wizard in here
god damn
it’s okay, though, it’s okay
we can fix this

no they cannot
primarily because horses and manservants are NOT DOCTORS
and even if they were
this dude shattered
and superglue won’t be invented for another ten years or whatever
I don’t even know why they’re trying
probably the men see that the horses have stopped for a minute
and they are just using this as a distraction to get the animals back under control

anyway that’s the end
a drunk man dies
a bunch of horses live
fair trade
but I think we all learned a valuable lesson
which is don’t fuck with wizards
they became wizards for a reason
and that reason was so you would not fuck with them

It was cold and muggy, and those weasely toves
were all jumping around and touching each other’s butts down by the river
the borogroves were drunkenly reminiscing about their childhoods
and the mome raths were screaming their faces off
(we live in a loud and inappropriate place
pretty sure it’s because we name our animals shit like “mome raths”)

then this old man was like:
“Son, it’s time I told you about the birds and the bees
the birds are called jub-jub birds
and the bees are not bees
they are an unstoppable hivemind called the Bandersnatch
which sneaks up behind you and grabs your taint
plus it’s frumious
which means it’s always angry and slightly on fire.
When these two creatures combine
they form a terrifying voltron known as THE JABBERWOCK(Y)
just stay the fuck out of the woods, basically
there’s no normal animals in there anyway
it’s all this nonsense shit.”

But this kid is immune to good advice
so he grabs an imaginary sword
and spends hours searching for this stanky-assed forest beast
until he gets tired
and decides to rest near one of those trees they use to make stomach medicine

He’s terrible at thinking though
one might even call him uffish
so he’s still thinking, when THE JABBERWOCK APPEARS
ITS EYES ARE ON FIRE
IT’S SWIFTER THAN A WHIFFLE BALL
(hurled by an expert at whiffle ball)
AND IT SOUNDS LIKE A CAULDRON FULL OF DRUNK FROGS

But see the reason this kid is so bad at thinking
is that he’s put all his imagination into making this sword
and that actually makes it a pretty good sword
other than it makes food noises when it kills things
and that’s exactly what it does
it takes that jabberwock’s uggulacious head straight off
and this kid is so hyped by his victory
he picks up that stangly head
and for the whole walk home
he pretends he’s a horse

then he gets home and his dad’s like:
“HOLY SHIT, YOU KILLED THAT?
YOU SMILE TOO MUCH AND I’M PRETTY SURE YOU’RE AN IDIOT
BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY YOU ARE A MAN NOW
LET’S GET SO DRUNK WE DON’T KNOW WHICH WORDS ARE REAL
AND THEN NAME SOME MORE ANIMALS.”

So yeah,
it was a pretty shitty day, weather-wise
and those filthy toves were playing grabass by the water
the borogroves were nostalgic
and the mome raths were hella loud.
Basically
nothing changed
except an extra thing was dead.

The moral of the story
is that violence doesn’t solve anything
but don’t tell your dad that
because you can still use it to trick him into loving you.