The Intimate Road

Mikvah helps to transform the act of intimacy into an act of holiness and the highest expression of husband and wife.

The Western world has considerable difficulty with the concept of sexual intimacy. One indication is the culture's obsession with the subject. On highway billboards, in magazine ads, in best selling novels, in almost every form of cultural expression from high art to low language, sexual innuendoes dominate the landscape.

It often reminds me of that incisive quip made by Hamlet's mother Gertrude: "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." Rather than showing a free-and-easy approach to our physical relationships, this need to constantly mention the topic betrays a distinct discomfort with it.

Ironically, though the Western world has worked determinedly in the past century to free itself from every religiously imposed moral and sexual restraint, it's been left with a souvenir that sexuality is somehow dirty.

Judaism stands utterly opposed to this outlook.

In Jewish thought, physical intimacy contains within it the highest potential for spirituality. It is one of the greatest means a married couple is given to express holiness.

Like any other means, however, its use depends completely on the expression given to it by the individuals involved. The sexual union is like a canvas in the control of the artists -- husband and wife -- and the spiritual message they produce can be meaningless, or it can be a masterpiece.

Classical Jewish sources describe sexuality as a mighty river. If harnessed, it can bring irrigation and magnificent energy to countless communities. If unharnessed and out of control, it brings floods and destruction.

At its highest use -- in a Jewish marriage lived according to Jewish law -- the sexual union brings holiness into the world, as it bonds husband and wife together, spiritually, physically and emotionally.

Closeness between a husband and wife is not just a nice thing, but rather, it is the re-creation on a physical plane of a deeper spiritual reality. According to Jewish thought, a husband and wife were originally one soul before birth, split into two halves when the younger of the two was conceived. When they reunite in marriage, their bond is unique because it represents the recreation of a single entity, of one soul.

In describing marriage, the Torah writes:

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and cleave unto his wife, and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)

Yet this "oneness" that is the central goal of a Jewish marriage is not easy to achieve. By marriage age, these two half souls belong to two quite distinct individuals, who grew up with separate histories, separate experiences, separate likes and dislikes. Fortunately, marriage itself provides abundant tools to overcome these superimposed differences and establish on the physical plane the same oneness that exists on the spiritual plane.

Perhaps the most powerful of the tools that foster oneness in marriage is sexual intimacy. All the wonderful feelings a couple has in a relationship culminate in the physical intimacy between husband and wife.

If God gave intimacy this extraordinary power, it makes sense that God would give us guidelines -- a medium -- to use it to its maximum potential. Indeed, that's the case. We call this medium: Mikvah.

Mikvah -- and the accompanying discipline called "family Purity" associated with it -- were once as well known and as universally practiced in Jewish homes as lighting candles for the Sabbath. No Jewish family would dream of living without them.

Today, not only has this institution been completely forgotten by the vast majority of Jewish families, but marriage itself has lost much of its status.

In former times, however, values were different. Marriages were stronger; Jewish marriages, indeed, were the envy of the world. In those times, Jewish families not only knew about mikvah and family purity, they risked their lives to be able to practice them.

A mikvah is a spiritual tool; it has no association with hygiene.

Mikvah means collection. In physical terms, it refers to a pool that is used to collect "natural" water, untouched by human hands such as rainwater, or water from rivers and underground springs.

Culturally, a mikvah is of such significance that the rabbis of Talmud ruled that if a community has neither a mikvah nor a synagogue, building a mikvah takes priority over erecting a synagogue.

Practically, a mikvah is used by both Jewish men and women who immerse in it before certain holy acts. Though it looks like a bath, it's not: When Jewish law mandates the use of a mikvah, the user must be perfectly clean and bathed before immersion. A mikvah is a spiritual tool; it has no association with hygiene.

The Torah mentions mikvah most prominently in connection with the Jewish High Priest, the Kohen Gadol, who immersed in its waters five times during the Yom Kippur services when the Holy Temple stood in Jerusalem. Today, the most important use of mikvah is by women, who immerse in it as one step in the cycle of reunion and separation between husband and wife known as family purity.

No brief description of the practice of family purity, like the one that follows, can suffice to insure its proper practice. And indeed, no brief description of the benefits of family purity can adequately explain its beauty. Only practicing it can truly convey the remarkable nature of it.

Jewish couples who were initially unaware of the mikvah discipline, and who learned about it and incorporated its practice into their lives, have told me that if they once had doubts the Torah was given by God, then mikvah and family purity erased them. The insight, or, as they describe it, the genius of this practice is so great that no human mind could have invented it.

And yet, to the modern mind, this practice may sound strange at first because it's so different. Because this pillar of traditional Jewish life is now so foreign to us, it's often misunderstood, as we try to apply our inadequate and often shallow 21st century understanding to its extraordinary deep ways.

In the practice of mikvah and family purity, a Jewish couple separates when the wife gets her monthly period, and physical contact doesn't resume until seven days following the conclusion of her period. On the eve of the night that the couple is to resume physical relations, the woman immerses in the waters of the mikvah, where she utters a prayer inviting God to sanctify their forthcoming intimacy.

After the husband and wife wait for this time to elapse, their union represents a reaffirmation of the powers of life over death.

Essentially, the sexual union is an affirmation of life, as the couple joins together in the sacred endeavor to draw a new soul from its heavenly source into this world. Conversely, the time when a couple is allowed no contact is associated with the period of time when the woman undergoes a loss of life potential, as the unfertilized ovum is expelled from her body.

When the husband and wife wait for this time to elapse and the wife employs the mikvah before rejoining her husband in physical intimacy, their union represents a reaffirmation of the powers of life over death. It is a rising above our mortality. The cessation of physical relations between husband and wife has no connection to a feeling of revulsion over the woman's monthly flow, as is often mistakenly assumed. Such a concept has no home in Jewish sources.

Interestingly enough, though the mysteries of mikvah are bound up in this interplay between life and death, it's clear that the role mikvah plays is deeper than our understanding of life and death, because Jewish law calls for the use of mikvah even among couple for whom procreation is not possible. Indeed, Jewish law also calls for the active pursuit of a healthy, wholesome sexual relationship in married couples of all ages, and considers it an independent value -- indeed, a spiritual value -- whether or not creation of a human life is possible.

If we want to understand mikvah in depth, we must return to the references to it in the Torah. In Leviticus, chapter 16, we read about the Yom Kippur service as practiced when we had a Temple in Jerusalem.

At the apex of the service, the High Priest would enter the innermost chamber of the Temple -- indeed, the holiest space on earth -- the Holy of Holies, or Kodesh Hakodashim, where he would ask forgiveness for the nation's shortcomings throughout the previous year. No one but the High Priest was allowed to enter the holy of holies, and he himself, as the holiest representative of the holy Jewish nation, was allowed in there only once a year, for one short interval on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year.

It's hard to imagine today the significance of that moment. For seven days beforehand, the High Priest prepared himself for it. The night before he entered the holy of holies, a team of great Jewish leaders kept him awake all night, quizzing him and pushing him to the heights of his moral and spiritual potential. The future of not just the Jewish nation but the entire world would rest on his actions in the holy of holies - actions that were done completely in private, witnessed solely by God and himself.

After the seven days of refining himself, and after the night-long vigil, the High Priest had one final preparation to make before the awesome moment in which he would enter the Holy of Holies and effect atonement for himself, for his nation and for the world: He immersed himself in the mikvah.

The resumption of the act of intimacy of a Jewish woman with her husband is a similarly awesome moment. After her seven days preparing for that moment, a woman immerses in a mikvah in order to elevate her relationship with her husband and to elevate the world itself.

How? How can immersing in something as plain as water have such a profound effect?

Water is the most spiritual of all the physical elements. The opening passages of Genesis (1-2:22) describe the creation of many impressive things including the earth and mankind. And yet, though water is referred to ("The breath of God hovered above the face of the waters" [Genesis 1:2]), there is no mention of its creation. Our sages learn from this that water pre-existed our account of creation, and pre-existed the earth itself.

A mikvah, containing waters untouched by human hands because they either fall as rain directly into the mikvah or were fed into it via an underground spring, is the closest thing we have to a piece of heaven on earth. It gives us the opportunity to reunite with our spiritual source.

Just before a woman immerses herself in these Godly waters, she says a prayer, inviting God to sanctify her marriage -- her most intimate and important relationship.

What she says through the prayer, in effect, is: "Almighty, this is the most sacred relationship in my life. This, our conjugal union, is one of the greatest expressions of that sacred relationship, and I don't want something as sacred as this to be devoid of Your Presence. I want You to join me in this act. I want you to be there." And then she immerses and, in a sense, touches hands with the creator of the world.

The late Rabbi Shlomo Twerski, who was my brother-in-law and a brilliant Torah scholar, said that it's particularly appropriate that going to the mikvah is a woman's responsibility, as opposed to a man's, because mikvah sanctifies the family, and it is the wife's wisdom, more so than that of any other family member, that builds the home.

In a sense, a woman creates her family. For nine months before their births, she shapes a perfect internal environment for her children; then, for nearly two decades after birth, she sculpts their emotional, mental and physical environment. If she doesn't have children, she's still the one, who, in most families, will have the most creative influence on the home atmosphere and those living under her roof.

When a woman goes to the mikvah, before she returns home to exercise once again her creative intelligence, she -- the human creator -- asks for the blessings of the Creator of the universe. She asks God to come back home with her, to join her in her sacred activities, and foremost of these, to join her in her marriage.

All mitzvahs are kindnesses, and mikvah is no exception. The Talmud, which expounds on the laws in the Torah, explains a simple rule of human nature in discussing sexuality: something constantly available to us eventually loses its luster in our eyes. We allow routine to replace excitement, and grow contemptuous and bored. Boredom in marriage is no trifling matter. It is extremely destructive and in our times, it is a leading cause of divorce.

Because of this monthly "vacation," a husband and wife become like a bride and groom to one another each month, again and again.

This is the first and most obvious advantage of mikvah. For approximately two weeks every month a husband and wife are off limits to each other. Because of this monthly "vacation," the Talmud tells us, a husband and wife become like a bride and groom to one another each month, again and again. There's a perpetual freshness to the relationship; if you doubt it, ask any couple who practices mikvah and they'll confirm it, although they may blush over this truth.

Second, mikvah teaches us the value of restraint. In a world where infidelity is as common as it is today -- there have been estimates that almost one of every two married men has been unfaithful -- people have to learn the art of restraint. Unfortunately, it's not taught in school.

Within the Jewish marriage relationship, if a husband and wife can't have access to each other at regular intervals, it means they must learn to control themselves within the marriage relationship. Outside the marriage relationship, when a temptation suddenly develops and they're called upon to exercise restraint, they know how to respond. It's not as if they're suddenly called upon to run ten miles when they've never run a block.

Third, mikvah gives us the invaluable asset of "spaces in our togetherness," to adapt the poet's phrase. It affords us the opportunity to be ourselves in a way not possible if there were no separation period.

One of the primary reasons our individual souls were brought down to earth is to actualize a part of ourselves that is unique and unlike anyone else. Yet in marriage it's easy for two people to get lost in each other and not know where one ends and the other begins. This is not the Jewish ideal. The "oneness" of a Jewish marriage is not a unity of sameness, of identical mates who neither oppose nor challenge one another. Rather, it's a dynamic interaction between two individuals who maintain their identities, even though they are joined by one goal; one heart and one soul.

Two people who strengthen their individuality during this time of separation join again and enrich each other precisely because they've strengthened that part of themselves that's theirs and only theirs.

Finally, mikvah teaches us that we are not objects. Because I don't belong to you and you don't belong to me in the same way we do during the togetherness period, I'm compelled to treat you as a whole person, not as an object for my pleasure, This is an invaluable lesson in our society which, for all its obeisance to feminism, continues to treat women as objects, in advertising, at the workplace and too often in the home itself.

During the two weeks without physical contact, a couple has to learn how to talk about everything.

We also learn to communicate better with each other through mikvah. Many problems can be glossed over by a hug and kiss. During the two weeks without physical contact, a couple has to learn how to talk about everything, including many difficult things. We get to know each other's inner thoughts in ways we might not otherwise. Intimacy -- real intimacy -- is the result.

As we stated before, these benefits just scratch the surface of the spiritual effects mikvah has on our lives and on the world. There are depths to this practice we, as humans, cannot fathom. But one thing is clear:

Without serving a higher purpose, our physical intimacy is just that -- physical. With mikvah -- and God's presence -- the sexual relationship changes from something that's completely physical, an act which subhuman species also engage in, to an act of holiness and the highest expression of two people.

In memory of my Mother and our Grandmother, Minna Brickman

Minna bat Yehuda Leib Z"L

by her son Barrie and grandchildren, David, Mandy,Tony,Graeme,Gael and Samantha

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Rebbetzin Feige Twerski of Milwaukee, Wisconsin has devoted her life to Jewish education and Outreach, giving lectures worldwide on a myriad of Judaic subjects. She is a mother of 11 children, and many grandchildren whose number she refuses to divulge. She serves as the Rebbetzin along side her husband, Rabbi Michel Twerski, of Congregation Beth Jehudah of Milwaukee.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 33

(33)
Maria Teresa,
May 2, 2013 6:34 PM

Thank you

I want to thank you for that beautiful explanation. I am a Christian who never really understood the practice until now. Unfortunately it had been misrepresented to me as a medium for subjugating women - I so appreciate the clarification.

(32)
esther,
April 30, 2013 1:30 AM

I 100% agree. Thank you for writing beautifully and clearly!

(31)
Marni Levin,
April 28, 2013 3:39 PM

Side benefits

I once read an article about an infertile non-Jewish couple advised by their doctor to abstain from intercourse for the same two- week period as taharas hamishpacha in order to increase their chances of conceiving a child. They soon discovered that the waiting period had a side benefit - it really improved their intimate life.

(30)
Anonymous,
April 25, 2013 7:19 AM

Thanks!

Thank you for this wonderful article. I don't think I could even contemplate a happy marriage without this.

(29)
Joey,
April 23, 2013 8:19 PM

Just an observation (admittedly one you may have already been pointing towards): Israel is often framed as the "bride of God." This makes the Yom Kippur service---seven days of preparation, immersion and then a uniquely close moment in the Holy of Holies---a clear parallel to the relationship between a normal husband and wife. Thanks for the insights, and God bless!

(28)
Anonymous,
April 22, 2013 11:43 PM

Mikvah attendant

I greatly appreciate this article as mikveh is one of the mitzvos that became incredibly difficult once my husband and I began experiencing infertility. For the mikveh attendant, I just want to let you know how appreciated your services are. I often sit waiting for the mikveh, trembling and upset, thinking of how to resolve my mindset of failure after going through yet another failed fertility treatment. The encouraging words that I have received from the mikvah lady regarding the beauty and joy of this mitzvah has helped me on many occasions. I haven't heard of having the "power" of a Rebbe to give berachot after going to the mikvah - but the interplay that Miriam describes between herself and the women she attends sounds like something that would give me great encouragement. Once again, thank you.

(27)
Rachel,
April 21, 2013 7:13 PM

So why can't post-menopausal women use mikvah?

I agree with everything in this piece. However, now that I'm "of a certain age", I miss the structure that taharat ha mishpocha gave to our union. So why isn't there a tradition of older women using the mikva?

(26)
Miriam,
April 21, 2013 6:43 PM

Mikvah

Thankyou for your excellent article. I read recently that for 24 hours following tevillah, a woman has the "power" of a Rebbe to give berachot. As a mikveh attendant, I have told this to many mikveh goers, especially the anxious, nervous and waivering ones. And I ask the woman to give me a beracha (as well as my giving her a beracha); is very empowering and we are both elevated by her tefilla and beracha. Does Rebbetzin Feige know exactly where this soecific concept is discussed?

(25)
Anonymous,
March 2, 2004 12:00 AM

Water- source of life

This is an excellent article. I used to teach science in one of the day schools. While teaching chemistry, I used a little gematria to bring a lesson home. Water's chemical composition is H2O. The molecular weight of water is 18. 18 is chai, life! Water is truly life. The girls never forgot that one, and many told me they brought that lesson to their Shabbat tables.

So you see, water is truly a miraculous substance, providing life and sustenance to all! Maybe that is also a factor in its use for the mikvah. It provides life to the marriage.

(24)
Anonymous,
July 22, 2003 12:00 AM

Excellent Article!

I'm so happy I came across your article on this topic. My husband and I took extensive classes on the halachot pertaining to Taharat HaMishpacha during our engagement period. So now that we're married, we are very carefull about following each rule. I can't begin to tell you what an enormous blessing it is to have rules like these in the marriage. I have friends that don't keep them, and they tell us straight out that they're bored with each other and that marriage is just not interesting -- and they're only married a year and a half!!!
The mitzva of mikvah with all of it's details are a true blessing bestowed upon the Jewish people and they bring true joy to all married couples that keep them.

(23)
Patricia Gelber-Wright,
July 4, 2003 12:00 AM

The Mikvah article was edifying, and made me feel more comfortable w/going to the Mikvah. Thanks!

(22)
Anonymous,
June 22, 2003 12:00 AM

Grateful for this article

Glad for coming back to your site and reading this article.
Been a woman and having many questions about intimacy,and having researched the scriptures over and over to find answers to some of them.
You only confirm what is written in the word of G-D. What a tremendous example the relationship between a man and a woman is to the world.It is an example of the intimacy G-D desire with His people.

(21)
Anonymous,
June 20, 2003 12:00 AM

Eye Opener

Words cannot express my appreciation for you posting this article. I've read and learned much about family purity and have never been inspired enough to actually want to observe it. The clarity about mikvah and its spirituality portrayed in this lovely article has certainly opened my eyes.
Thank You Rebbetzin Feige and all of Aish.

(20)
M.E.S.A.,
June 4, 2003 12:00 AM

This is REAL feminism

I always considered myself a feminist, and I had a hard time whenever people would bring up the idea that Orthodox Judaism is sexist.

Then, I got engaged, and I got private lessons in Family Purity from a lady who just blew me away. She taught me not only about the laws, but about the way that Judaism sees women.

Orthodox Judaism is the only society that sees women as holy and good. Even the most supposedly feminist societies see women as being less than men. Modern feminism is determined that women should do everything that men do, and nothing that women would do. Well, as a feminist, what's wrong with what women do? Plus, just how feminist is it when women have to get eating disorders and face lifts to maintain their value?

I think only Orthodox Judaism really believes the statement (I don't know who said it) that "behind every great man stands a woman."

(19)
Anonymous,
May 29, 2003 12:00 AM

importance of taharas ha'mishpocho

I was delighted to read your article.it coincides with my plan to increase awareness for taharas ha'mishpacha within the modern orthodox community.While I believe that the majority of the modern orthodox do go to the mikve I believe that the other rules are widely ignored and that might be out of ignorance.I myself grew up more modern but in my marriage to a "orthodox" orthodox girl we of course keep all the halachos and I can attest to the truth that you wrote about the separation period increases the intensity of the relationship.Now , in the moments before the ge'ula it might be the right time to spread the message of CORRECTLY keeping taharas ha'mishpacha in the more modern community - after all no one would even consider mixing milk and meat eventhough it's not a de'oraissa

(18)
Eddie A,
May 29, 2003 12:00 AM

Intimacy really means......

My Rabbi says that intimacy means exactly that which it sounds like-INTO ME SEE, Once a couple connects on the highest possible level, they see each other for what they really are and more importantly they allow each other to see into them. Most people don't want to be seen for whom they really are.

(17)
Rhonda Epstein,
May 28, 2003 12:00 AM

Ladies' Night Out

Going to a mikveh can be like going to a spa.In some communities,the mikveh is similar to a private hot tub,with very clean,well-appointed,private changing rooms.A female attendant leads the lady to the mikveh for immersion.Only one woman uses it at a time.There are also waiting rooms with magazines,a cleaning lady with fresh towels for each lady,an area for drying hair and applying makeup,mirrors,hair dryers,on and on.Please,all married Jewish women should call their local Orthodox shul or the mikveh itself for a tour to see for themself.Tours are given"off-hours"when it is not in use.Tours are always granted and hosted by a knowledgable attendant.

(16)
Anonymous,
May 27, 2003 12:00 AM

thank you.

i am married for nearly 2 years now and am pregenant with our first child. I really want to thank you for htis wonderful article.
BH thank god i am pregant (this means that the laws don't apply) however there is a freshness that is missing. The feeling you have the night you come home from the mikvah it just doesn't happen otherwise. The small act of pouring your spouse a drink becomes a very special moment.
Thank you Ais for this most wonderful article. My advice to everyone out there who doesn't have the guts to do it. GO AHEAD AND TRY IT JUST ONCE. IT PAYS!
GOOD LUCK

(15)
susan baim,
May 27, 2003 12:00 AM

Great article

very interesting and informative.

(14)
Anonymous,
May 27, 2003 12:00 AM

This is beautiful.

Rebbetzin Twerski,
Thank you for this beautiful article. I hope that many more people are as inspired and have as much clarity about mikvah and its spirituality as I feel I do after reading this article.
Thank you again and kol tov.

(13)
Anonymous,
May 26, 2003 12:00 AM

Wow, this is beautiful.

Thank you, this really is an eye opener.It sounds to me like this is the perfect way to create a deep, meaningful and LASTING intimacy between a husband and wife.

(12)
Anonymous,
May 26, 2003 12:00 AM

powerful

wonderul and enlightening . . . too bad boys are not taught this in school!

(11)
Barbara Grpmb,
May 26, 2003 12:00 AM

Thank you.

Thank you for the wonderful explanation of Mikva. Well done.

(10)
Shoshana,
May 26, 2003 12:00 AM

Toda raba

Thank you so much. I know about the mikvah, of course, but I never went to it, because I'm not married (yet).
I read about ti already and I see my mother going and I even have a girlfriend who converted who told me how she lived the expérience (because you go to the mikvah also to finalize the act of conversion, if I'm right).
But reading what you wrote gave me goosepums.
It's true non-jews and even non-religious jews often have a problem of understanding concerning the separation of husband and wife during the period of nidda till the mikvah.
Thank you for explaining this so clearly and so movingly to us.

(9)
anonymous,
May 26, 2003 12:00 AM

well done

i am just begining to learn more about family purity, already married. yes, boredom happens, and familiarity is really a barrier to intimacy. I think all jewish young women should be taught about this topic- even in the abstract so that they have a better chance at healthy marriages.

(8)
Joseph K.,
May 25, 2003 12:00 AM

Shalom and thanks dear Aish!!!

(7)
Anonymous,
May 25, 2003 12:00 AM

Re: The Intimate Road

What a gorgeous article this is...thank you.

(6)
Anonymous,
May 25, 2003 12:00 AM

Fantastic Article,but............

This was such an interesting & well written Article,but what about the Men... Going to the Mikva( and I am a single man) is definately one of the most spiritually connecting parts of Yiddishkeit that I know and should be encouraged to any man with access to a Mikva. Shalom

(5)
Kira,
May 25, 2003 12:00 AM

Great Information

Thank you for providing such frank discussion of a widely misunderstood topic.

Thank you Rebbetzin Twerski for this article. We have no mikvah here and the rains keep falling , I wanted to share the mivkah's beauty and spiritual power with my daughters you have given me a wonderful tool.

(2)
shavy,
May 25, 2003 12:00 AM

A topic that sorely reqires discussion and explanation for our young people.

Thank you for validating my thoughts on this topic. Being a young orthodox woman, I've had these holy thoughts many a time but felt extremely isolated and alone. Thank you for verbalizing something I've been always shy to discuss. The thoughts and explanations which you have portrayed, tell me that I am not alone. I've always felt a bit 'old-fashioned'in thought, when it came to this topic. You have shown me that I have always been on the right path. Thank you for validating my feelings and thoughts!

(1)
Anonymous,
May 25, 2003 12:00 AM

B'H

first of all let me congratulate you for this perfect article.

as an orthodox woman i cannot agree more,the source of my happiness & shalom bais is without doubt the mikve'.

i find the two weeks that i'm permited to my husband just amazing.

we are more united because of that great mitzva...

i guess this is a secret of survival among the jewish families who keep it,it's such a blessing,i mean it keeps the ralationship so cool...

i think that couples who don't keep yet this mitzva they must be boring in their relation after all if everything is permited & at any time it loses it savour & mostly the couple look for other sources ,not too kosher to stay excited

I have had a very difficult life, beset by illness, unemployment, and disappointment from those who had pledged to care for me. I am having trouble seeing the benevolent God in all this. What do you say, rabbi?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I am very sorry to hear about the difficult times that you have had to endure. The trials that you have gone through no doubt have obviously made your relationship to God a difficult one. I can understand why.

As a rabbi, I have witnessed the most horrendous situations imaginable. I have experienced a 20-year-old who lost both of her parents in a car crash. Can you imagine a girl so close to her parents and in one day they're gone? I've lived through a husband coming home to find that his wife has collapsed, and in two days she's dead. There was nothing wrong with her before. And on and on and on.

When someone is in the midst of suffering, that's not the time to offer answers. It's a time to listen and empathize and be with the person as best you can. If there's anyone going through a painful time and is looking for a sense of relief, I am skeptical whether these intellectual answers will offer any kind of relief.

Dealing with pain and suffering is never easy, particularly since we often feel so helpless and out of control. But one thing we do have control over and that is our attitude. Try to stick to this 3-part formula:

1) Look for the positive side to things.

2) Try not to judge God, Who knows more than we do.

3) Ask God for the clarity to understand how this is for the best.

Our perceptions of good and evil are directly related to our understanding of the world. An African tribesman who never saw a hypodermic syringe in his life could think upon seeing a doctor inoculate a child that the doctor was actually trying to hurt the child! Our perceptions change with information.

Therefore the Jewish approach to "suffering" is that everything happens for the good, but since we are finite and cannot see the whole picture, we perceive some things as bad.

God has more information than we do; thus we cannot judge Him and say He is doing something bad. We trust God and say, "I haven't yet figured out why, but God knows this is for the best."

The Talmud tells the story of Rebbe Akiva who was traveling on the road late one night. His only source of light, a candle, blew out; his mode of transportation, a donkey, ran away; and his only source of food, a chicken, died. The next morning Rebbe Akiva realized that armed bandits had plundered everything in the area. Had they seen his candle, or heard his chicken or donkey, they would have victimized him as well.

We can accept pain and suffering in the world by trying to see what positive side it may have. For example, a woman whose child was killed by a drunk driver went out and started MADD - Mothers Against Drunk Driving. This organization was responsible for revolutionizing the laws against drunk driving in America, and as a result has surely saved thousands of lives. It could be said that the purpose of this child was to elevate his mother to the towering heights of greatness that she indeed achieved as a result of the tragedy.

Of course it is not always easy to find the positive side. But even the attempt helps tremendously. It is interesting that if we look back on our own lives, the times we have grown the most are not when things have gone easy, but when they've been difficult. So many times what appears as "bad" or "negative" ends up being a blessing. A person could lose their job, for example, only to realize later that was the opportunity they needed to break into a growing, new field!

In the meanwhile, we have invested so much time and energy into worrying or regretting - all for nothing and all to our detriment. It is wise to remember that worry is defined as "interest paid in advance on a debt which often times never comes due." So when we are having problems, we can ask ourselves, "What have I learned or gained?"

Also, there are two excellent books I can recommend: "Why me, God?" by Lisa Aiken (published by Aaronson), and "Confronting the Loss of a Baby," by Yamin Levy (Ktav).

In 1973, a cease-fire resolution was passed by the U.N. Security Council to halt the Yom Kippur War. Shuttle diplomacy by Henry Kissinger compelled Israel and Egypt to accept the cease-fire. Fighting, however, would continue for another four days. In the war, Israel suffered the loss of 2,600 soldiers and 800 tanks. Four years later, Egyptian leader Anwar Sadat would visit Jerusalem and announce his readiness to forge a permanent peace deal.

I told a group of people to repeat, "I am grateful to my Creator" five minutes each day for a month. Some of the results were:

* "At first I found it difficult to keep this up. This gave me a jolt. The Creator is giving me life each moment of each day and He gives me the air I breathe. Why is it so hard for me to express my gratitude? This self-rebuke gave me a strong feeling of motivation. I was committed to use the power of repeating messages to myself to build up this gratitude.

* "I realized that I would only be able to repeat this for five minutes at a time if I would sing it with a tune. So I would sing this five minutes each day. It became my favorite song.

* "The first day when I heard this, I found myself having to wait for something to start. I began to feel frustrated. Then I said to myself, ‘This is a perfect time to repeat, "I am grateful to my Creator" for five minutes.' It totally transformed the waiting into an uplifting experience. Throughout the month, I chose potentially frustrating moments to practice this. After a while, the stirrings of feelings of frustration became a trigger to begin my exercise."

* "Someone saw me smiling while I was waiting in line at my local supermarket. He asked me if anything special is going on in my life. "There are a lot of special things that I'm beginning to become more aware of," I replied.

* "By repeating, ‘I am grateful to my Creator,' I began to realize that everyone who is kind to me in any way was sent to me by my Creator. I increased my gratitude towards those people and I increased my gratitude to the Creator of it all."

May He Who knows what is hidden accept our call for help and listen to our cry (Siddur).

The Talmud states that a person may be coerced to perform a mitzvah even if it is required that the mitzvah be done of one's own volition (Rosh Hashanah 6a).

But are not coercion and volition mutually exclusive? Not necessarily, explains Rambam. Inasmuch as the soul of the Jew intrinsically wishes to do the Divine will, and it is only the physical self - which is subject to temptation - that may be resistive, the coercion inflicted upon the person overcomes that external resistance. Thus, when one performs the mitzvah, it is with the full volition of the inner self, the true self, for at his core, every Jew wishes to comply with the mandates of the Torah.

There is a hidden part of us, to which we may have limited access, yet we know it is there. When we pray for our needs, said Rabbi Uri of Strelisk, we generally ask only for that which we feel ourselves to be lacking. However, we must also recognize that our soul has spiritual needs, and that we may not be aware of its cravings.

We therefore pray, said Rabbi Uri, that God should listen not only to the requests that we verbalize, but also to our hidden needs that are very important to us - but which He knows much better than we.

Today I shall...

try to realize that there is a part of me of which I am only vaguely aware. I must try to get to know that part of myself, because it is my very essence.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...