So here’s what I’ve seen so far: Fred Chipmunk has been stealing the cedar shingles off your house and using them to smoke cashews. Sylvia Squirrel, she’s my wife and I love her, but she’s been taunting that panting beast you call Captain Cuddles. And Norman Gerbil? Well, let’s just say he’s still mad that you brought Captain Cuddles home, so he’s been leaving you “presents” under your pillow.

Cute Overload Holiday Tip: The holidays are a traditional time for many and often include roasting chestnuts on an open fire. But, “chestnuts” are a prickly bunch, so always be sure to first check for blemishes – and disgruntled squeaks…

I get it. You think it’s adorable to take pictures of me doing silly things. And because you consistently provide adequate food and water, I humor you. To a point. But tread lightly owner, because let’s not forget who’s boss here. Need I mention the term “feral” to you…?

Perhaps looking somewhat thuggish, they still seemed gentlemanly enough, so when Clarice Starling spotted them on her way to work, she didn’t think twice about it.

As she passed them, she gave them a shy smile. And when she received a smirk in return, she realized the worst: They were mockingbirds. Roosting over a construction site.

“Hey, chick! Nice flanks – they could kind of use some work, dontcha think? And what kind of flight feathers are those? You know, in some human worlds, they’d call your tarsus a cankle! Anyone ever tell you your rump is bigger than a toucan’s mandible?”

No. I’m sorry, but they won’t go for this. The lighting is all wrong – I’m not all “gorgeous amber” that they like to talk about. And this angle does nothing for my paws except scream baby-like – and we know they don’t like that.