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Self Talk: The Ties That Bind

Generally, we use the term “the ties that bind” to
indicate all the special ways we connect with those we love. Ties are the
conditions, actions, and emotions that draw us to them and keep them part of
our lives. Those ties may be kinship, marriage, trust, friendship,
support, history. They get stretched and twisted and ragged, but they
don’t often break. Our bonds are generally strong.

But there’s another side of this term that’s not as appealing, yet it is the
reality of life. It’s when certain ties bind us to the negatives and
shortfalls that are sure to come. We get connected to behaviors that keep
us marking time, and we are unable to release ourselves from them. We are
mentally handcuffed. Mental handcuffs are limited thoughts that box us in
to the status quo whether good or bad, and we’re unable to grow anymore or
change. For example, if I want to start my own business, the mental
handcuffs only permit me to think of the expense, the loss of regular income if
I’m giving up a job, and the possibility of failure. Though all of these
are realistic risks, there is also the other side of the spectrum—increased
income that I’ve never had, living the life I’ve always wanted, doing the type
of work that brings me joy and financial independence. These desires are
just as possible or even more possible than what I fear. If I don’t check
my thinking, then I will remain bound up by my own self-imposed, mental imprisonment.

There is a wonderful story about an elephant who as a baby was bound by a heavy
chain around one of his legs. The elephant learned from the length of the
chain how far he could go so he only went as far as the chain allowed. As
he grew into adulthood, the owner changed the heavy chain to a thinner, smaller one.
The elephant weighed more than 10,000 pounds, and could have easily broken free
of the small chain. But he had been conditioned over the years to only go
as far as the chain would allow him. He never realized when the time had
come for him to flex his strength and no longer be a victim to limitations.

We are like that in many ways--limited by barriers and roadblocks. But
rather than finding ways around and over them, we let them stop us. Maybe
it’s a job promotion you know you deserve, but the difficult manager attached
to it who seems to hate you stands in the way. You believe you’ll never
be able to get that promotion as long as he’s in his position so you stop
trying to go for it. Or maybe the desire to be a parent fades as you get
older and remain single. Because you haven’t found the spouse you wanted,
you believe you’ll have to throw the dream of parenthood away. Therefore,
you keep it out of your thoughts, conversations, and future plans. The
dream slips away with time. Or what about the trip you long to take to
Rome, Italy because it’s a place you believe would be wonderful to visit?
But your limited funds and fear of flying have caused you to keep going to your
usual vacation spot. You’ll never see Rome.

It’s time to let the familiar go—the same actions over and over again that bind
you up. The key to unlocking the mental handcuffs is to change the way we
perceive how to get what we want. If we believe the effort to get our
dreams fulfilled is too hard, then we will give up before we get started.
If we think that the roadblocks to our goals are insurmountable, we won’t even
make the effort to try to find ways around or over them. We’ll simply
talk ourselves out of trying. The whole battle starts in our minds, and
that’s where it should be defeated. If your thinking is hindering your
success, then you must resolve to strategize against negative thinking—not
against success. You have to affirm that you can and should move forward
on your passions and desires because you know you can. Your achievements
are possible. Will it be hard to get to them? Maybe. But not
impossible. Change your self-talk. Find new dialogue in your
internal conversation. Boost your own morale with affirmations and words
of encouragement.

Your belief in what can be has to exceed your doubt in what can’t be. The
power of the mind is far greater than we give it credit, yet we yield to our
fears daily. We must think about how we think. Are our thoughts
creative, without limits, and motivating? Or are they
self-defeating? It’s time to dump the head trash, the tumbleweed of
timidity that blows us this way and that, and choose to change possibility to
reality. Reinvent your thinking. Recharge your internal
conversation. And watch your life events change to embrace your passion.

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About Me

Betty is an expert communicator with 25 years of speaking experience. She is a skilled trainer in leadership development. She has served her clients in a variety of ways--facilitator, trainer, coach, speaker, moderator, and panelist. She lends her talent and skills to corporations and individuals who desire to grow professionally and personally. See her in action at Sharper Development Solutions, Inc.