Friday, October 31

Trick or Treat

We’ve traveled down this road before, and honestly, it’s one of my favorite columns to write of the year – our annual Halloween Costume Primer. So, with only a dozen or so hours before it’s time to get your trick on, here, as a courtesy to our readers, are the Top 5 Costumes for Sonic fans this season:

1. The Littlest Hobo – It’s a classic that’s been updated for today’s modern kids! Comes complete with Aubrey McClendon mask, a spoooooky stock values chart, and a terrifying invoice from West Virginia for $400 million. Also available in Tom Ward.

2. The Manipulator – Do your kids have trouble getting as much candy as they want as they go from home to home? Well, put The Manipulator to work for them! Comes with David Stern mask and a pretend list of ‘other homes’ that are ‘more willing’ to ante up the kind of candy you’re looking for. Sanctimonious and condescending attitude extra.

3. The Weasel – Face it, sometimes failure happens. But if your child struggles with keeping promises, then we’ve got the costume for you! The Weasel is perfect for children who like to make ‘five-minute plans’ about how much candy they’re going to get, then sell their bags to another kid, then sue the kid to get it back, then abandon the lawsuit when it’s no longer expedient. Comes with bag of espresso beans.

4. Sad Sack – Flannel? Check. Morose attitude? Check. Bottle of Jack Daniels? Check. Pearl Jam on the stereo? Check. Then you’re set for the Sad Sack Sonic Fan costume! In addition to all that, this outfit comes complete with Sonic pennants, VHS of the Sonic-Suns playoff game that those damn refs stole from us because they just wanted Barkley and Jordan, and couldn’t they see that the Sonics were clearly the better team? Oh, no, they had to have their precious game for NBC ….

Ahem, sorry about that. Anyway, it’s the ultimate costume for the depressed basketball fan in your life. Does not come with Blazer paraphernalia.

5. Il Signore – No Halloween would be complete without a reference to Il Rainman. Now get the continental version of this holiday classic! Includes rump filler, bag of cappellini, a liter of limoncino, 40-pack of condoms, and a one-way ticket from Rome to Houston (no return). Buona festa!