Dr. Know: Post-Apocalyptic Suspension

Which Portland bridges are capable of surviving the Big Quake?

After the big one hits and we Mad-Max our way out of
the rubble, which bridges will be available for pedestrian, biking and
automobile use? I am preparing a post-disaster beer-run map as part of
my emergency kit.

—You Fly, I’ll Buy

A few years ago, I started pushing the
Portland doom-quake story so hard my editors actually had to pull me off
of it, like a little humpy dog being pried off a larger, presumably
more passive dog.

Little
has changed. I’m not quite ready to put on a long white robe and parade
around with one of those “The End Is Near” signs (though such a career would
suit my temperament), but I can tell you this: If you’re hoping to
hoist a cold one after the quake, you’d better have either a basement
full of PBR or a knack for brewing lager out of the fermenting remains
of your friends and neighbors.

Like a passenger on the Hindenburg
wondering whether the fire is going to affect the supply of in-flight
peanuts, your question suggests a failure to appreciate the scope of the
problem.

You see, literally
none of the bridges currently serving our city is guaranteed—or even
likely—to survive the coming 9.0 Cascadia subduction zone earthquake in
usable condition. Your beer run will have to be more like a biathlon,
with both swimming and looting stages.

However, there is
hope. Let’s have three ragged, forced cheers for government, that
yearbook staff of adult society—they’re solving this problem for us,
even as we snicker at their mom jeans and pocket protectors.

Both public bridges
currently under construction in Portland—the light-rail bridge and the
new Sellwood Bridge—are actually designed to survive the horror-quake.
Of course, healthcare.gov was designed to work, too. But, hey, at least
they’re trying.