4.29.2013

Today marks my two years of sobriety. It doesn't feel real- sometimes it feels much longer than two years and sometimes it feels like last week. Either way, I'm so grateful that I was given the chance at life again. For anyone who knew me while I was drinking, you know that I was definitely a nightmare. Although I'm still usually a nightmare, I can't imagine how much worse it'd be if I was drinking on top of it.

I am so glad that I was able to get back in school and that I'm set to graduate in December. I never thought I would see the day. I'm also grateful to my boss for giving me a job when I needed it most- and for allowing me to do my homework while I'm at work. Things aren't perfect, but they are so good.

I have the best friends and girlfriend I could ask for- and even when I haven't slept in days and I'm grumpy, they are here for me. Since working graves and going to school full-time don't allow me to be as social as I used to be, I have been a pretty bad friend. I'm grateful for Sof and that she is always supportive and encouraging me to be my best- even when I feel like giving up. I'm also very grateful for April and Britt for being my friends- even when I was drinking/being a crazy ass. I'm also so grateful for many other people for always being here for me.

Since I've been sober I'm glad to call my siblings some of my best friends as well. Joey is my main man and I love that I get to talk to him and see him every day. Buddy and Anne are also very important to me and although we don't talk every day, I feel like I am more a part of my family than I ever have been.

I'm also very grateful for my dad. He is the one who helped me get into rehab and for cheering me on the whole way. He is still one of my biggest supporters and encourages me to do my best in everything. When I told him I wanted to go to Nepal a month ago, he helped me get things lined up and has helped me financially as well. I'm lucky to have him as my dad and for his example of what it means to be a good person.

I know I post a lot about being sober and perhaps it's obsessive, but I just like looking back and remembering how I was feeling at different points. The past two years have been some of the most challenging and rewarding that I have ever had and I'm so grateful that I have my life back.

It's Monday morning. 3:04am to be exact. Sof left last night before I came to work and that always makes me sad, but I do want to remember the fun times we had and it's easier for me to blog it than actually write in my journal.

Sof came to Cedar on Wednesday and we just did the normal go to school and work thing. On Friday my parents invited me to go to their house for Joey's birthday but since Sof was here and she couldn't come, I decided that I would just take Joey his present and have our own little party later. Saturday morning after work I was feeling really sad/depressed because I feel like I'm stuck in a place where I want to be a part of my family and things have been going really well, but at the same time, I have to pretend that I'm someone else when I'm with them. Sometimes it wears me out and makes me feel bad. I feel bad that I get to meet Sof's family without question and that they accept me and invite me in to their home and that I can't do the same for her. I know it's not in my control and that it's not my decision but sometimes it just gets to me.

I was planning to sleep all day on Saturday but then Sof and I decided to go for a drive. We decided to go to Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Kanab! We took a tour and got to go to Cat World! Best thing ever. I've been on the tour/volunteered lots of times at Best Friends, but Sof had never been. It was a lot of fun and it was nice to get out of Cedar- even if it was only for a day. On our way to Best Friends we stopped in Colorado City, of course.

By the time we were leaving Best Friends we were both exhausted because we had been up for 24 hours. It was worth it though. We had lots of fun and got to see some cute animals. We got home on Saturday evening and I slept for about 24 hours. Felt so good. Sof had to go home Sunday afternoon and I was pretty bummed but I'm glad she could come!

I am still plugging away at my final papers and studying for my exams. I will be so glad when this week is over!!!!!! Wahoooooo!

4.22.2013

Lately I've been super stressed, tired and overwhelmed with finals and other random things. You know, like life. Today was especially long as I had a commitment to go to St. George this morning after work- going on no sleep. Luckily April came with me and it turned out to be quite enjoyable. By the time I got back to Cedar I was ready to collapse but I wanted to see my sister before she headed back to Salt Lake. She was downstairs with her boyfriend so I went down to say goodbye. I'm not sure how it came up but somehow I managed to tell her boyfriend that I've met twice that I'm on my period. Then my sister joined it. We told him that's why we have zits and we're pissy.

He laughed and probably felt a tiny bit uncomfortable. And then he said something along the lines that he was glad boys only have testosterone and no other hormones. Ha ha. Oh, to be a boy.

On days like today, I wish I could be a boy. No periods or weird zits that come for my period and by the time they decide to leave, I end up starting my period again. Such a vicious cycle.

Bad hair days? No problem if you're a boy. Shave that shit. (Yes, I know women shave their heads too and I love it. You go girl).

Want to wear shorts in Nepal? No problem if you're a dude.

Tampons are expensive, skirts are annoying, and hair takes a lot of work. Somehow though, I guess I'm still very glad I'm not a man. I love being a woman and I wouldn't actually change it- it just seems so much easier to be a dude sometimes.

Here's to an awesome 19 hour flight whilst being on the rag. Bring on the biggest tampons you got, Wal-Mart. Lets do this.

4.15.2013

I'm not lazy, I just wait until the last possible minute to get shit done. Why? I don't know. But it works for me. Sure I'm a nightmare while it's happening, but my best work is done under pressure and when I have a tight deadline. Doing a research paper weeks early has never been my strong point. I'll admit, I think and stew and worry about it for weeks and weeks and then a day or two before it's due, I bust it out. And I do well.

Right now I have a few different research papers due in the next couple of weeks and I'm stressed to the max but it's almost impossible for me to do any of them because "they aren't due tomorrow". I know this is probably ridiculous and stupid, but I guess I do what works for me.

I just finished my semester long project (all of which I did tonight) and wrote my reflection (which was supposed to be a semester long effort) all in about 3 hours. Had I done this all semester I would have put in far more time and effort for a less than great job. I guess I've perfected procrastination to fit my needs and I'm not sure how I feel about it.

For now, I think I'll enjoy some netflix or pinterest. Maybe tomorrow I'll start in on the research papers. Or maybe not. I'm still feeling pretty sick and I just want to sleep all day- which I did today and it felt wonderful.

Here's to the end of the semester! Bring it on. And bring lots of caffeinated beverages with it.

4.13.2013

This week a lot of my classes were cancelled for "The Festival of Excellence" and other various reasons, so instead of being an overachiever I went to Las Vegas for a few days. I was happy to get out of the snow in Cedar! While I was there it was jam packed with fun stuff and by the end I was feeling very tired and very sick. I think all the immunizations are finally catching up to me and I'm exhausted.

On Wednesday when I got into town, Sof and I did a little shopping and then went to the Tegan and Sara concert with her friend Lucy. It was really nice and I love that I remember it this time. I have seen them twice before but I've never been sober for a Teg and Sar concert...they rock! It was outside and the weather was perfect.

On Thursday I woke up early and went shopping and got some things for Nepal. Mostly clothes and stuff since I can't wear the clothes I actually own/like. I found some things I really like and that I'll wear even outside of Nepal. Yay. That night, Sof's step dad had a BBQ and some of her friends came over. It was nice to get to know them a little more. We ate outside and it was beautiful. I think this is my favorite time of year in Vegas right now- it's perfect!

Friday I woke up and did a little more shopping and then we went to the gardens at the Bellagio (I think) and hung out. Then we went out to her dads house in Red Rock - well somewhere near there and had dinner. It was so good and her dad and step mom are so nice. Her dad is an artist and I got to see his work- which was really awesome.

By Friday night I was feeling like I was going to die- Sneezing my brains out and headache from hell but we went downtown for a little gambling. That didn't last long and we went home to go to bed. When we got home it was still pretty early so we went swimming and then crashed.

I got home today in time to sleep before work for a bit and now I feel full blown sick. I hope it's just all the immunizations that I've had over the last few weeks and that it doesn't last long because I have lots of stuff to do for school! I can't wait to go back to Las Vegas.

4.06.2013

This week has been busy, as usual. I got my first rounds of shots on Wednesday- it's Saturday morning and my arm feels like it might fall off and it has a nasty looking rash from one of the shots. I have felt nauseated and gross since Thursday- hopefully it's just from the immunizations and I'm not actually getting sick.

I bought the rope sandals this week and I can't decide if I'll actually take them to Nepal or not but I like them either way. I am getting Chacos to take with me and I'm trying to "pack light"...so we'll see. Packing is the worst for me! I take 3 bags on an overnight trip- so I'm not really sure what I'm going to do for a 3 week+ trip out of country. All I know is that I would rather wear the same clothes the whole time and be able to bring tons of cool shiz home- I guess we'll see when it comes time to leave. As long as I have ample underwear, we'll be good. I will not wear dirty underwear. Ew. It's bad enough that there aren't going to be real toilets everywhere I go!

Anyway, I'm getting stoked to go! I already forgot how to say "my name is ..." in Nepali, so this should be stellar!

4.03.2013

I just made my schedule for next fall- no biggie, right? For the past 10 years I have been dying to graduate from college and "get a real job". While I would still like that, as I register for my last semester of undergrad I can't help but feel a little melancholy. I feel like there are so many classes I would still love to take and that I feel would help me in my future career, whatever that may be. That's one part of me...

The other part of me is bursting at the seams with happiness that I am actually going to graduate from SUU. It's been a long, painful-at-times, well worth it journey. I can't imagine what life would be like if I had done it any other way. There are so many things that I have gotten to experience, both good and not-so-great, during the last 9 years. Although sometimes I wish I hadn't started college right after high school and messed up my GPA horribly, it also brought me to the place I am right now: I know what I want to do and that is only because of the things that I have experienced along the way. I'm not like those people who just know what they wanted to do since birth...I had to try things and then decide. I'm happy with the way things have turned out and I'm stoked for what is to come...whatever that is...

I am also very grateful for my parents, who paid for a lot of semesters of "wasted" school- where I dropped out or worse, flunked out. They have been my biggest supporters, especially my dad. He never gave up on me, even when I had given up on myself. I love that I can share things I am learning at school with him and he's actually interested. I have so many people that haven't given up on me: professors (they've seen me at my worst), friends, and many others.

Now I should probably get back to research so that I actually graduate. I'm sure it's getting reallllly old, but I want to remember these things and I guess I'm too lazy to actually journal. Maybe someday this blog won't be so boring- but doubtful.

4.01.2013

Easter was good. I saw Jordan Hulet, my fam, April and researched human trafficking. And after a few failed attempts, I even got some good sleep in before coming back to work.

Since being at work I have read several hundred pages about trafficking; I should have started this research weeks ago because I am very interested in it and there is a lot of information. I have a very long few weeks ahead of me and I'll be grateful when school is over. I'm mostly just so anxious to go to Nepal that it's hard caring about anything else...except that the things I am researching are very relevant to why I want to go to Nepal in the first place.

I also have 3 other research papers to do. Oops. My ass is gonna get used to no sleep, even if it kills me! The library will be my best friend since I no longer have internet access at my house. Damn.

I am looking forward to the Tegan and Sara concert with Sof coming up! She bought my ticket and I'm so excited to see her and go to another Teg and Sar concert as well. Yay. I think I'll also get to meet her dad and step-mom this time, which should be good. I'm just super awk and anti-social, so I don't do well meeting new people. Guess it's time to grow up.

Anyway, life is wonderful. I know I say it a lot, but it's true. I have the best family, amazing friends, the sweetest girlfriend, I get to go to school and my job lets me do my research while I'm getting paid. Oh and the cutest kitties on earth. I don't have much to complain about at all! I never knew how good life could be until now and it just keeps getting better.