October 27, 2006

But I reminded him and he’s checking my hormone levels – I go back on November 6th at which point I’ll likely be referred on to a lady doctor who has with fertility to do. I’ve heard good things about her, too.

Just the idea of getting help has taken a good bit of the panic away and I feel – at the moment – a good bit calmer than I have in a while.

October 17, 2006

Heaven bend to take my hand and lead me through the fire – be the long awaited answer to a long and painful fight. Truth be told I tried my best but somewhere long the way I got caught up in all there was to offer and the cost is so much more than I can bear.

We all begin with good intent when love is raw and young. We believe that we can change ourselves – the past can be undone. But we carry on our backs the burden time always reveals… in the lonely light of morning, in the wound that would not heal…

October 15, 2006

So my chart, started on day 9 (see last post) looks like this. I find this encouraging so far. I mean that upswing, that means something good. Of course, we still have the muskelknuter – being, as far as I can tell, fibroids – hurdle to get over, but hey. Optimism.

That last low temperature day was day 18. This may explain some things. Like why doing it on days 8-14 hasn’t quite been doing the trick.

I see my doctor tomorrow morning. I have no idea what his plan is. I hope to convey the proper amount of craziness so that he takes me seriously, without that oh-so-familiar segue into hypochondriasis. I’m considering taking up biting my nails. Or perhaps wringing my hands. Maybe having my sweater on backwards.

Oh, and this Thursday would have been the baby’s 12th birthday had he lived. I find that hard to wrap my head around. I have some things to say about that – what it meant then and what it means now – but don’t know how to start.

Of course they’ve scheduled a meeting at work for that afternoon. Heads may roll. I have no patience and very little respect for the New Boss. She apparently feels an irresistable need to tell me every little thing that goes through her head. Insecurity, I think. Plus she nods and smiles 85% of the time – even when family members are complaining. I mean, honestly. Get a brain.

October 6, 2006

I didn’t get past the price of ovulation predictor kits when I went to look at them… but I have been tracking my temperatures this cycle. I did search for a basal thermometer and I think they might not exist in Norway. At least – the pharmacy and where the pharmacy sent me didn’t have them – neither had they heard of them. But that’s okay! I have a regular thermometer.

September 24, 2006

Yesterday – 9pm-ish – I was a nutcase, obsessing over those early pregnancy symptoms (see #2) and working myself into a frenzy. So much so I had trouble typing coherently. Karen talked me down. Which – thank you, Karen. Seriously.

But today? At least I’m calmer. I will call my doctor Monday and go talk about why nothing is happening after a year and a half of trying. I mentioned it earlier this year and he said let’s wait until after summer to worry and yesterday was the last day of summer.

I …

Otherwise I don’t know what to think or feel. When I take two steps back and look I realize I’m getting so focused on conception that everything else is taking a backseat ride on the tailgate of the pickuptruck. Nothing seems interesting. I pick up a book and read a page or two. I knit a row and put it down again. I consider changing the sheets on the bed and continue to sit on the sofa. I fantasize about moving back to North Carolina, where somehow everything will be fine or at least I’ll have a garden.

If I take 3 steps back I’ll realize all this is just the lack of estrogen talking.