​Darwood & Smitty - Chapter 5

“Assassinate the president?” said Darwood gloomily as he and Smitty bumped their way back down the long, dirt road.

“For the greater good,” Smitty pointed out. “If the president is working for planets that want to invade us, then we’ve got to stop him. As he dismantles the world’s special interests, he dismantles the global corporations. Then we’ve got no global unity and the invasion becomes imminent.”

“Well if they want him dead so badly, why don’t they hire some professionals? We’re going to end up in prison, and we’ll probably botch the job, too. I’ve never killed anyone. You’ve never killed anyone. Neither of us wants to kill anyone. But they put us to the task.”

“Because we can get in close. They don’t have anyone else in place who can get so close to the president. We get to walk right up to his face and end things before they get any worse.”

“How? By punching him in the head? We still have to go through security. We’re not getting any weapons by them.”

Smitty could see how miserable Darwood was, but he decided to push it a little further. “We pop him right in the throat. Right in the jugular, you know? He won’t be expecting it, so we can get him off guard and take him out with one quick blow.”

Darwood was so distraught, Smitty’s calm about the situation hadn’t struck him as unusual until now. “Aren’t you even a little upset at the idea of assassinating Earth’s president? I mean, an hour ago you were on the guy’s side. And now you’re talking like you’re some kind of judo expert, which I can most definitely certify that you’re not.” He stopped, suddenly perceiving the glint in Smitty’s eye. “You don’t think we should kill the president.”

“Of course not, Darwood.”

“Why didn’t you say so?”

“Much more satisfying this way.”

Darwood shifted in his seat and sighed his relief. “So what gives? You seemed totally on board with everything this guy was saying.”

“You don’t think I wanted to tell Squatting Man to take a flying leap, did you?”

Darwood laughed. “Yeah, I figured I’d call him Squat.”

“Exactly. And that didn’t sit right with me, the way he never told us his name. Maybe he thought we’d understand because it’s an underground situation, but for me, it makes it hard to trust him.”

Darwood laughed again. “Now there’s a surprise.”

“Hey, you’ve got to give me some credit,” said Smitty. “I had to pick someone to trust and someone to not trust. I’m still trusting the president. For now.”

Darwood looked genially over to Smitty. “You’re right,” he said, thinking it over. “I’m impressed. Only, what do we do now?” Bam went the van. Bam bam bam. Darwood slowed them down and worked his way around a series of potholes. “Let’s say we trust the president but everything Squat told us is true. If we talk to Keane, he’s going to know he’s been exposed and he’ll have us killed.”

“If we don’t go to see him and we just keep delivering packages, pretty soon Squat’s going to know that we’re not taking care of things and he’ll have us killed. So take your pick. What’s the better option?”

“Packing up and disappearing, as far as I’m concerned.”

“Sure, because you’re such an outdoorsman and can handle forest living for the rest of your life.” Smitty coughed sarcastically. “We don’t know enough to disappear into the cities without getting caught, and I do not feel like getting by on squirrel for the rest of my life.”

The two men chewed on it as Darwood navigated the dirt road, and with the few last bumps behind them, Darwood threw the truck into neutral and let it coast onto the metallic entrance ramp of the main road system. Eli’s magnetic field blipped on and the roads took control, speeding up the van and lifting it up three feet off the road. The wheels retreated into the body of the vehicle as the van slipped into traffic.

As the cars all zipped along, the deliverymen kept thinking over their situation when Smitty suddenly called, “Orange and blue.”

Once upon a time, it was more of a strategic means of driving to see who could spot cops on the road or shooting people’s speed from the side of the road. But now that the roads themselves maintained every vehicle’s speed, cops weren’t there to hand out tickets. Their focus these days was solely on the criminal element, and spotting the cops became a game, the way spotting VWs had been years before.

It was pretty rare to see a cop, too, which made the game a challenge. If you committed a crime and then took to the roads, you wouldn’t get far on controlled speeds, so the police force didn’t exactly need to line the streets. Anyway, the cops could shut down an entire road if they wanted to, then cruise in on level four to nab someone. So basically, criminals had to find other escape methods or highjack a cop car. The problem with highjacking was the cops.

When the other planets made contact with Earth, it wasn’t long before Jupiter convinced New York to use their people as the new, global police force. The Jovians would work for almost nothing and, since they weren’t from Earth, they had less sympathy for the criminal element even than Earth cops had. Besides all that, they were intimidating.

Your average Jovian was around sixteen feet tall and, though gangly, was menacing. Their skin tended towards dark green with yellow patches on their bellies and elbows. They had, in fact, a fair resemblance to trolls as Earthlings usually depicted them. And they had ungodly strength, generally able to heave a good 500 pounds with one hand. Their mere presence all but eliminated stupid criminals, because if you weren’t sure you could outsmart the Jovians, you didn’t commit a crime. The only exceptions were those criminals who were so stupid that they thought themselves brilliant.

Of course there was the usual banter by the less-than-trusting, who felt it was a mistake to put an entire police force in the hands of a foreign power, but the government kept reminding people that the military was still made up of pure Earth forces. Except their equipment, of course, but if we wanted the most advanced weapons and vehicles, we had to rely on foreign products until we could mimic what the other planets were producing. Even that was tricky, because system law involved patents.

Darwood was startled by Smitty pointing out the cops, partly because Smitty rarely caught sight of them before he did, and partly because he was feeling on edge, even a little guilty — like the law would be after him because he’d met with someone who had asked him to kill the president. Worst of all … he had wondered, for a little while, whether he should kill the president. If the cops could read minds — which they still couldn’t yet — they’d probably haul him in at least for a couple of years, just for thinking he might kill President Keane.

A moment later they were zipping past the cops along with the rest of the traffic, so it was a quick relief for Darwood. Out of sight, pretty quickly out of mind.

Only … the cops pulled into traffic behind Eli 2140 and set their lights ablazing. Orange and blue, orange and blue the lights flickered. Same hues as the police cruisers themselves because, it was rumored, orange and blue were the favorite colors of Jovians.

“Dear God,” said Smitty.

“What do we do?” asked Darwood.

“Probably pull over, but I’m trying to decide if there’s any reason they would kill us right away. You know this isn’t coincidence, right Darwood? We’ve never been pulled over in all these years because we’ve never committed any crimes. And now, today of all days, they’re pulling us over. Why?”

“Right. I’m with you. But our van is programmed to make deliveries. We didn’t decide to head out and see that guy.”

“But they might have had the place wired. Hell, ol’ Squat could’ve been G.I.[1] to see if the president could really trust us. We made it look like we agreed with him and they have no record that we don’t trust him. All they know is that it looked like we agreed with the guy. This is not good.”

“The exit ramp is coming up, Smitty. We can pull over there. What do we do?”

Smitty’s eyes were darting back and forth as he thought it through. If the Jovians thought they were a threat to the president, would they just kill off the threat and deal with legalities later? Probably the president could excuse them in two seconds anyway. If it was a matter of Global Security, laws pretty much went out the window anyway. Plus, Squat could have all the evidence needed to get the cops off the hook. Still, trying to escape the cops was pretty pointless without a plan and would just corroborate their guilt. It wasn’t a pretty choice, but it was the only one. “Eli, pull over for the cops.” They were just seconds from the ramp, and in moments they were slowing, off the road, with the cops pulling in behind them.

The police cruiser was enormous because of its occupants, dwarfing even the delivery van. Darwood and Smitty found themselves swallowing like two comic characters might but without any comedy intended. They were scared.

When the cop cruiser came to a stop, it continued to hover for a faster start off the block if needed. Its doors opened on a lower hinge, swinging down to create a ramp to the ground. As the deliverymen watched out their rearview mirrors, both doors opened and one towering Jovian made his way down each.

Their strides were enormous, and with a couple of steps, they stood beside Eli’s doors and bent down, one knee to the ground, to get to eye level with the riders. The doors slid back into the body of the van and Darwood and Smitty found themselves face to ugly face with the Jovians.

The grimace on both of those Jovian mugs told the men in brown and gold that the giants probably had in mind to chew on their heads for a while. And to make matters smellier, the Jovian’s enormous nostrils heaved steamy blasts of air. “You boys with busy day, have you?” snorted the officer on Darwood’s side. Their poor handle on English wasn’t just about being foreign. Few of the Jovian’s were markedly intelligent.

“Uh … yes, sure have,” said Darwood. “That is, how do you mean?”

The two officers looked across the small cabin of the van at one another, their eyes then narrowing. “You not play dumb with us now, human? You not think president out of normal?”

“Right. Well, officer,” Smitty jumped in, “we weren’t sure if you meant busy like lots of work, or busy as in interesting. Meeting the president … yes, that was interesting. Is there a problem?”

An enormous head pressed itself up against the outside of the delivery van, two gargantuan eyes bulging almost inside the van and a rubbery nose nearly touching Smitty’s. “Not with you boys. Not today,” said the officer, pointy teeth flashing, saliva beading on his lips. “But there’s matter of big with president, and we take you to handle, ’cause your life depend. So what say, boys — up for ride?”

“A ride?” asked the deliverymen together. They were both getting the distinct sense that they weren’t going to get their packages delivered today, and that meant they would have to eat all the late delivery fees. That didn’t sit too well.

“Don’t worry,” said the first officer, “we lock van up real good — fry anyone who touch it. Bzzawwww!” he exclaimed suddenly, startling the humans as he acted out someone getting electrocuted to death.

The second officer spoke again. “Get you back half hour. Deal boys? Just little trip.”

“If we don’t end up in a river somewhere, I guess we’ve got a deal, especially since you’re probably not too keen on us refusing, hey?” said Darwood. Smitty was left to shrug and nod. Darwood had made their point well.

The back of the police cruiser was very much a prison cell, and getting closed in was disconcerting. They could easily be whisked away and never heard from again. But they doubted the Jovians would bother making up a story to get them into the cruiser when they could just as easily have picked the men up like lunchboxes and carried them back to the cruiser with hardly a second thought. So as their prison door snapped shut and the doors closed beside the creatures up front, Darwood and Smitty decided to relax and take things for what they were. They’d rev up the worry again when the doors opened once more.

The cruiser shot forward, up the ramp to the emergency level, then sped along a short distance before launching at another sharp angle and accelerating so fast that the deliverymen found themselves unable to pull themselves away from their seats. In a few minutes, it began growing dark outside, and in a few more, it was pitch black but for stars. They had headed into orbit and traveled to the dark side of Earth. Ok, so they weren’t expecting this kind of ride.

The cruiser slowed substantially, and out their small windows, Darwood and Smitty saw huge, metallic ship walls passing alongside them — that is, they were passing alongside the ship walls. They were heading inside a mother ship, set in orbit above Earth. All the inhabited planets but Mercury kept ships in orbit around the other planets — that kind of presence was always part of a trade agreement. And the Jovians had more of these mother ships around Earth than anyone else because they home to the police force, as well as shuttles for the cops when they had vacations and wanted to head back to Jupiter for a break.

The cruiser finally came to a rest, the doors opened, and the cops unlocked the prison doors and let the humans out. The men walked down the door-ramps beside their giant escorts and found themselves marveling at the size, complexity, and population of a mother ship. There were several hundred Jovians just in this landing room, all busy, all enormous. As far as the visitors could see, they were the only ones here from Earth … or anywhere besides Jupiter, for that matter. Most of the crew, though, didn’t pay them any mind at all. They were focused on their own tasks. The few that saw them didn’t seem to care. The men knew, at any rate, that their hosts shouldn’t be too bothered, because a couple of humans would never be a threat.

The cops led them all the way across the open room to a Zert[2], the group gathered on top of it, then one of the cops spoke in Jovian. They phased into nothing and appeared again in a control room. Seated in the middle, overseeing all the room’s operations, was a giant among giants, the captain of the ship. It was said that the biggest Jovians could stand up to 22 feet, and this one was no less than 20 on his feet. He also had the sourest face the Earthmen had ever seen. His eyes seemed permanently half-shut, the pupils diminished, the skin more wrinkled. But he emanated a terrible sphere that probably few would dare to challenge, even among the Jovians themselves.

He looked away from his crew to the police and spoke briefly in Jovian, then looked to the humans. They suffered another comic gulp and wondered if they should at least have asked about alternatives to flying up here. “So, you have made acquaintance with the great president, is that so?” The men nodded, surprised at the captain’s use of English. “And do you know our position with your president?”

“No,” said Smitty.

“No,” said Darwood.

The captain raised one shoulder and then the other, as if stretching a weary back. “We Jovians are an ancient people,” he said. “We have largely satisfied our material needs and, as even humans do when their lower needs are met, we have turned to a higher purpose. We have offered ourselves as a dominating police force for your planet at a very low cost for two reasons: first, to make sure you are protected from outside threats while you make the transition to a more stable and united planet.” He leaned his head to one side and then the other, an enormous popping sound emitting from within. “And second, so that you can use the money you save on other important issues such as poverty upon your own planet. In other words, it is a short-term sacrifice on our part to help you enter more smoothly into the Solar scheme and to advance in our own spiritual growth. I believe that is how you humans would put it.

“We can only make this sacrifice for a certain period, however. After that, we must return to our own planet and take care of our own needs. If our sacrifice is to have been worthwhile, then you need to have reached a stable unity by then. Do you understand?” The men nodded again. “Good. So it is the duty of your president, while he yet has time, to move forward quickly in his agenda. It is our very deep concern, though, that President Keane is poking too gently at the world’s special interests. He promotes legislation that will break their power, but he knows all too well that these powers will sway the votes as they like. Until the people are really aware, that is.

“If he gets Earth’s people behind his legislation and can make them rise up, hounding the politicians to the point that the lawmakers can no longer ignore the voice of the people … why then you have got yourselves a democracy again. Then you will have honest laws made, especially in regard to these interests. Keane needs to address the people. He needs to let them know what he knows about these interests — if the people understood to what degree their lives are controlled and made worse by the most powerful conglomerates, they would demand change. And change is what we require, if we are to stay and help your people. We make too great a sacrifice on our part to watch global politics go on as they always have: slowly, ineffectually.

“You are friends of the great President Keane. He would take our message, perhaps, as a threat, which it is not. It is, however, a necessity. We felt — that is, our queen felt — that we ought to pass this message on through you. Coming from a human, it might be better received.” The captain paused now and, with great effort, stood from his seat. It was true: he was at least 20 feet, and much broader than even the police. The nails on his hands were lengthy and sharpened, and Smitty imagined that he even saw something like flesh dangling from beneath one of them. The giant looked down from his great height on the humans and asked, “Can we count on the two of you to do what is necessary for the Solar life? Can we count on you carrying this message?”

Darwood looked to Smitty. Smitty looked to the monster’s eyes. “You bet you can count on us, sir. We’ll reroute our truck to New York right away.”

The captain’s mouth spread wide — not up, as in a smile, but wide. The deliverymen guessed this was the closest that face could make it to a smile. “Excellent, Smitty Jones. I thought you to be an advanced human being. I am seldom wrong in my estimations.”

[2] Teleportation systems were well-established technologies on other planets long before this time. On Earth, however, billionaire Robert Zert was the one to buy global rights to the technology. He bought, however, from the Martians, who sold him old and unstable technology. It wasn’t until about the time of this story that Zert was investing his last pennies into the more modern and stable technology used by the Venusians and Jovians. So at this point, the term “Zert” was known for this technology, but it wasn’t yet in wide use on Earth.

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