Blood, sweat, tears, and..shit, basically.

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Smile.

It vexes me and it messes with my head, how people these days don’t bother to get to know one another anymore and how people are so quick to summarize others based on hearsay, social media or even a glance or two.

People see what they want to see and they miss out on everything – the full spectrum of a person eludes them because they’re so fixated on one aspect. You know what else vexes me? The people who prance around staring down at others because they fit in better.

I’m awkward. I over-express and under-express at.. inappropriate times. I’m anxious around people, and I’m overly self conscious. More often than not, I am burdened with many things, most of which, are my own thoughts. I am sensitive, and the smallest gestures may lead me to think that people are thinking or feeling negative things about me. To people like myself, who know exactly what I mean, the little things mean everything. A timely ” You’re okay” could mean the world to us, me. I am, admittedly, very much conflicted, and I often feel misunderstood. But I am myself, and still I try, conflicted as I may be. I struggle, but such is life.

Here’s an idea – the world is pretty messed up as it is and if you’re adapting so well..one might suggest that you’re a part of the problem, if not the pinnacle of it. No, you don’t have to be trapped in negativity every day, you just have to realize that there are problems out there that are worth paying attention to and while you may perceive yourself to be a good person, think about the little things that you do to other people that say otherwise. The little things that you try to sweep under the carpet. There is nothing wrong with adapting. In fact, everyone should, in some way, adapt and find their place in this life.

It’s how you go about doing it. Stepping on people and putting them down isn’t a nice way to do it.

I spend a lot of time ruminating and obsessing over the things that people say to and about me, or think about me. It has always been an issue of mine. I have always been overly self-conscious for as long as I can remember. I spent most of last year thinking about and feeling hurt by the things that people were saying about me. It took me quite a while to admit it and write about it freely as I do now because of pride, perhaps. Or that I didn’t want to be perceived as weak.

The irony was that my inability to admit and acknowledge the full impact of these things was, or rather, is my inherent weakness. I didn’t want to give them that power, or satisfaction. But things have changed, and I am moving forward now.

Yes, these things hurt me. It makes me want to curl up in bed at home all day and do nothing. I’ve distanced myself from people, significantly. Yet, I’ve found ways around it, so much so that it does not impair my functioning in any way. Who’s to say that that’s a problem? Why should I do things that I don’t want to do? Things that would make me have feelings that I do not desire to have?

That said, I am not nearly narcissistic enough to believe that the world should adapt to me. No, but the world shouldn’t force me to either. We have the freedom (most of the time) to avoid certain situations. It is, if I may, my prerogative to do so, and I have, and will. It vexes me. It destroys me. But it hasn’t defeated me. Last year, I decided, quite simply, to smile, be it in the face of awkward situations or impending doom. Smile. Life’s simple solutions, one step at a time.

People are inherently different. Diverse. Some thrive in groups, some prefer to go at it alone, in smaller groups or with another person. Just a year ago I would have said something like ” don’t let people make you feel bad about who you are“.