Mike’s Take: That’s all she wrote

WASHINGTON – Most long-time columnists fantasize about what their last offering will be: Do you do a tell-all expose? Do you humbly thank fans and friends (assuming you have any)? Do you bare your soul one last time?

Or do you simply exit stage left?

In my case, I have decided – after years of research, study, trial and error (mostly error) – to go out with a bang and answer the oldest question … one that men, since the dawn of time and the birth of language, have asked.

What do women really want?

Some of the greatest minds ever, from Plato and Spinoza … to Freud, Jung and Gary Busey, have asked it. None has come up with a satisfactory answer.

Until now.

I owe my new-found brilliance to time, experience and the book “50 Shades of Grey.” It seems that every third woman in America has either read it or is currently reading it, even though they already know the answer.

For men, not so much.

The book seller who reluctantly handed over my copy wanted assurance that it was for my sister or some other woman. Any woman. Men are not authorized to read it. Or even own it.

I could sense (and sensitive is good, right?) that the thought that I would actually pore over it clearly repelled and frightened her. For good reason.

She didn’t even ask if I wanted a bag; she insisted I have one. It was on the house. That’s how serious and secretive this stuff is.

I only got to page 269 of the first book when I felt like Sherlock Holmes when his inner light bulb went off.

Eureka!

Shazam!

Like so many seemingly complex things, the answer to the “what do women really want” question is fairly simple, once you’ve got the formula worked out.

I think.

First, you will need masking tape and a rope, which, because I haven’t got that far in the book yet, I assume is for mooring your yacht? Also, knowing how to spank with love and authority is good … I think.

It helps to have grey contact lenses, to be a billionaire and to have tousled hair (which assumes you have hair). There may be some other physical and mental attributes that are spelled out in the rest of the book.

I kind of hope so because, other than the hair thing, I’m coming up a little short. The hardware store near me was closed for Memorial Day, but I can easily get tape and rope this week.

I can sense victory, and yet…

Seeing this in black-and-white is a little sobering. I thought I was so close, but now I’m not so sure.

Maybe for a Plan B, somebody could send me George Clooney’s private cellphone number. I swear I won’t tell him where I got it.

Then I’m off for a fresh new start. I wonder if Helen Mirren lives in the London area? I just might have a little surprise for her.

It’s been fun. Now you can return to your life.

While Mike will no longer be writing a weekly column for WTOP, his daily column for Federal News Radio lives on! Mike discusses the latest pay, benefits, and retirement issues for federal employees in his daily Federal Report column.