What do you get when you cross the plot and graphics of a videogame with Reform School Girls and then toss in a PG version of Japanese schoolgirl porn?

Sucker Punch!

As much as I hate to be obvious they got part of the name correct and that part is the first four letters of the film’s moniker. It sucks. It truly does. Believe any easily manipulated online “votes” about this film that say it is good at your own peril.

Everything is wrong with this movie. It isn’t so bad that it is good and kitschy, it is so bad that it is just bad, a kind of mediocre bad that just bores the hell out of you. Exhibit A is the look on Emily Browning’s face throughout the film; is she sad? Is she afraid? Is she constipated? Regardless I would suggest more bran in Ms. Browning’s diet.

When the constipated look appears the camera, on cue, swoops in for a close up to get that full Ex Lax moment. But it is unfair to blame actors for this. If you could resurrect the young Katherine Hepburn and put her in this role there would be nothing that she could do with it. I am sure the actors tried. I am sure they secretly want to be in The King’s Speech but their agents suck.

Then there is technology being used as a rather wobbly crutch. I suppose Sin City and The 300 looked super; the former is a good film, the latter an over-rated one (unless you are rating on the He-Man & Masters Of The Universe scale of homoeroticism). But the thing is, technology has moved on since. And even if it hadn’t Sucker Punch just doesn’t look that good. I can think of numerous video games that are more interesting to look at: Bioshock, Batman Arkham Asylum, Dead Space, Spongebob The Movie, Pong...etc. Watching someone play any of these games is less painful than Sucker Punch.

The girls in this are just props and the men mostly monsters. The exception is a cliché spouting Scott Glenn. He is good I suppose. I guess the screenwriters thought having him toss out a different idiotic phrase (adapted from the likes of Sun Tzu and Malcolm X) at the beginning of each level would be kitschy fun. It makes me want to punch someone in the mouth instead. Perhaps the point of the film is to inspire random violence? Oh, and if you try to tell me this movie being like a video game is a metaphor or part of the blurring of the real and unreal in the film? You will get punched or maybe poked in the eye.

I am not even going to get into the plot or pacing or any of that. That is like discussing the theological implications of a J-Lo tweet or the culinary importance of a Taco Bell chalupa.

I also hate this movie for a more peculiar reason; it gives ammunition to all the people who whine incessantly about the evils of CGI or, God forbid, 3D. The problems with this movie have nothing to do with computer generated images or its ham-fisted use of those same images. The problem is shitty writing and the utterly flabbergasting belief that style trumps substance, which is then compounded by there not being any STYLE either.

Yes, all this green screen crap is often used excessively in the worst of the worst in film. But there is no reason it has to be. The luddites are more enraged by 3D these days. This irrational hate of technology recalls when silent films gave way to sound. There were those who felt sound wouldn’t last and others who felt sound would end artistry (sometimes this latter group was people who had earlier derided the notion that films could be art). Sound turned out to be here to stay and it didn’t end the artistry of film—it just changed it.

Anyway, just because Sucker Punch sucks and Avatar was a slightly altered version of Pocahontas (one friend of mine likened it more to Ferngully) it doesn’t mean someone won’t write and produce a something good using CGI or even, GASP, 3D. In fact many animated 3D films are pretty damned good. Coraline springs to mind.

Of course, Hollywood being Hollywood, effects are always used to cover plotlessness. And when one 3D movie makes money soon ALL films must be 3D. Why the HELL was The Green Hornet in 3D? I didn’t hate the movie but 3D just meant I had to spend three dollars more for my ticket. But is it surprising Hollywood wants to rip us off? XD my ass.

That is the one good thing about Sucker Punch. At least it isn’t in 3D for no reason. There are parts where you can TELL someone was thinking about it…shit flying at the screen all 3D-style…So thanks for that at least. Otherwise I want my $10 back.