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How do I stop a three year-old with potty mouth?

A friend of mine is at her wit’s end because her three year old son is constantly swearing. It seems that he knows what he's doing because he doesn't seem to let any bad words slip at day care or when Nana is around. His verbal deterioration seems to occur at home around his older sibling, when friends are visiting, through frustration, or when out in public places! His mum has tried using soap, Tobasco sauce, curry powder, ignoring the swearing and rewarding good behaviour, all to no avail. Do you have any tips on how to turn his potty mouth off?

Dr Justin says:

Reading this story reminds me of soggy chips syndrome.

Kids want our attention. The very best we can give them if possible. That good kind of attention is a little like a good bag of fresh hot chips. They’re crunchy, crispy, and just right. They make us feel great. But even if they can’t get the good chips, our children will often settle for any old chips. Even soggy chips. Those are the kinds of chips where they’re a little cold, mushy, and, well... soggy. That kind of attention – soggy, lousy, ewww kind of attention – is still better than no attention, just like soggy chips can sometimes be better than no chips at all (especially when you’re a child, and particularly when you’re hungry).

My immediate feeling is that this three year-old is getting big payoffs for his swearing. He’s getting substantial attention from his mum every time he does it. It might be soggy chips he’s getting (in the form of punishments), but it’s still attention, and he’s eating it up.

What should your friend do about the problem?

Be a model

If your friend has a potty mouth herself, or other significant people in the child’s life are big swearers, then the child has little likelihood of learning differently. Kids mimic us, so we need to ensure that the examples around them are good ones This idea of modelling also includes making sure that movies, YouTube content, and songs he hears contain only appropriate language.

Teach him explicitly

When I say ‘explicitly’, I don’t mean in an M-rated way. I mean have conversations with him. Wait until the emotion is gone and things are calm. Then explain what language is appropriate and what language isn’t. Talk about how bad language makes you feel and how it makes others feel.

Find out if the child knows what the swear word means. If the answer is yes (which is unlikely given that the child is three), it’s time for a big conversation. In the likely event that the answer is no, teach him that the word upsets people.

Ask questions to help him learn

Children under the age of four to five years don’t take others’ perspective too well, but asking him questions about how swearing makes other people feel and helping him discover the answers can help him internalise why he should speak nicely.

Teach him what is appropriate

As parents we spend a lot of time telling our children what not to do. Help him know what is good – that is, speaking kindly and gently. Asking for help. Telling mum if there’s a problem, and so on.

React gently

Rather than blowing up and making a big deal about it, keep calm and cool. Don’t make it a big deal and he won’t either. Politely ask, “is there a more polite way you can share how you feel?” It sounds trite and almost foolish, but you’ll be surprised how effective it can be. But don’t take my word for it, try it.

Kids will swear. It’s a given. When we come down hard on them, we simply push the behaviour underground, make it more insidious, or alternatively we give them a reason to keep doing it for the attention. If we spend time with our children teaching them good ways to speak and patiently, calmly, gently, work with them (rather than doing things to them), our teaching will be more effective and our children will internalise the values we are teaching at a much deeper level.

This article was written for Kidspot by Justin Coulson, Ph. D. Justin is a relationships and parenting expert, author and father of five children. Find him on Facebook, Twitter, and at happyfamilies.com.au.

You can find more information that will help you with this situation in Dr Justin's book What Your Child Needs From You: Creating a Connected Family, at his website: www.happyfamilies.com.au.