in which I reflect upon gender, then go out & explore

Three years on testosterone

I’m nearing my third year on testosterone, and although I could say “three years have gone by so fast!”, it wouldn’t be true. I feel like I’ve lived a whole lifetime since starting T — not necessarily because of transition-related reasons, but because I’m 21 years old and still growing at a really intense pace.

But I’d like to summarize –real quick– what’s been going on with my body. My first year on T was the Year of Most Changes: my voice dropped, most of my body fat redistributed, my face got more angular, and so on. The second year was the Year of the Beard; at that point I had stopped paying attention to physical changes until I suddenly realized that I could grow a decent beard (and I never shaved again).

And this third year, apparently, is the Year of MOAR HAIR. I already had hair everywhere –even pre-T– but now it seems to be thickening in odd places (like my wrists) and spreading even further across my stomach. And, to my great joy, my beard seems to continue to fill in, although I did accept it in its previous sparse, patchy glory. All of this is actually too slow to observe; I only noticed because I gradually had to increase the frequency of my beard-trimming to once a week instead of once a month.

It’s true what they say, then — testosterone continues to change your body even a few years after starting. I’m not sure, though, if my changes are still specifically transition-related or if it’s all part of growing older in a testosterone-fueled body (cisgender men continue to get hairier way beyond puberty). Whichever it is, I’m really enjoying growing into my body and love it more every day =)

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I’m curious, did you also experience any psychological/emotional changes due to testosterone? Did it make you more aggressive or more difficult to cry or anything like that? When it comes to nature vs. nurture debates about the nature of gender, people often claim that hormones are responsible for levels of aggression, empathy etc., thus taking more of a “nature” stance, as opposed to nurture. So I was thinking that asking trans-people about their experiences with hormones could shed some light on this issue. What is your personal take on this?

If you have written about this before, just let me know – I only recently started reading your blog :)

Nope, I didn’t notice any major psychological/emotional changes. Sure, I’m happier now, but that’s because I’m happy with my life — it isn’t a direct effect of testosterone.

I *do* find it harder to cry, but it seems to be a physical thing: I still feel like crying in emotional situations, but the tears just don’t come out. Lots of trans men report having a higher libido on T, but it seems to be very variable (it hasn’t changed much for me).

When it comes to gender expression or gender roles, I’m firmly in the “nurture” camp. I don’t deny that hormones might have some effect on the brain, but I think the largest changes come from being perceived as male instead of female in our society.

For instance, when I was a girl, I was expected to be compassionate and caring. Now that I live as male, people aren’t constantly demanding that from me, so it’s easier to forget. It has nothing to do with hormones, and it isn’t even about how I was raised — gender roles are being reinforced all the time.

So true about nurture. It’s amazing to experience how people no longer expect you to be nice or express emotions and will even penalize you for it and even more amazing to note how one’s behavior changes in response.