The Caregivers' Thread

^BORU, I like your suggestion. I'll just add to it... If you offer to help, be reliable, and show up on time. When I needed full-time assistance in 2011, I had two wonderful caregivers. But the couple friends who offered to spell them occasionally ended up causing far more stress than they relieved.

^BORU, I like your suggestion. I'll just add to it... If you offer to help, be reliable, and show up on time. When I needed full-time assistance in 2011, I had two wonderful caregivers. But the couple friends who offered to spell them occasionally ended up causing far more stress than they relieved.

I hope the links helped someone. Home health has been a Godsend for me. It allows me to go to my own doctor appointments, grocery shopping, etc. Hopefully, my COPD and other health issues will not get any worse for some time to come. Otherwise I may need help for me.

BORU and Tora, long ago I used to drive to visit Mom and get her out of the house for a while. I'd take her to dinner or shopping for a couple hours.

One time, we came back (in Dog Days of Summer/August) and Grandma had turned the HEAT up full blast! After that, I moved in to help Mom take care of her. Later we discovered she'd had Alzheimer's, which explained much of her behavior, once I read up on it. Shortly thereafter she was hospitalized and spent the last 3.5 years on Earth in a very good nursing home.

^ Yes, home health is a godsend! I've had visits two-three times a week for over a year and a half now. Without that, I couldn't have been living alone all this time. And, because it's skilled nursing, it's covered by my health insurance, which does not cover personal care (i.e. an aide).

^ Yes, home health is a godsend! I've had visits two-three times a week for over a year and a half now. Without that, I couldn't have been living alone all this time. And, because it's skilled nursing, it's covered by my health insurance, which does not cover personal care (i.e. an aide).

That should have been 4:30 AM - I'm at my desk by 5:45 AM sucking down major cups of coffee!

By 5:31 PM I'm pretty much brain dead and on auto pilot - not a pretty sight mind ya. Course that's also the time the little rugrats will go in for the kill when you're not at your sharpest!

And yes People, it's nice to offer and have good intentions but follow through, don't tease the help then show up late. Don't offer unless you truly think about it cause it's harder than it looks. I won't fault you for not wanting to sit with the charge, I'd understand. Better to not offer than to show up late or makes us feel worse by saying how hard it was.

Amen! Another thing I hate to hear is, "Why do you bother? Just put her in a nursing home."
My answer is always the same, "Because she's my Mom and I love her. Go to a nursing home one time and you won't ask again."

Amen! Another thing I hate to hear is, "Why do you bother? Just put her in a nursing home."
My answer is always the same, "Because she's my Mom and I love her. Go to a nursing home one time and you won't ask again."

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Your mother is so very very blessed to have you! That you have to do so much if it by yourself makes you all the more extraordinary!

^What about respite care? Does thinking about it as a caregiver make you a bad person?

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No. You cannot care well for others if you let yourself get run down. And some situations require more help than your situation allows. For example, an ambulatory adult can be a danger to themselves as we'll as others.

Also, sometimes assisted living or a nursing home is a necessity. And sometimes it has advantages beyond the basic caregiving/safety issues. My father was in assisted living for three years, and he enjoyed the activities and the people. He was a handsome and funny widower, and the little old ladies fought over him. The one who won was very sweet and had about the same degree of dementia as he did. I can't tell you how cute they were together!

^What about respite care? Does thinking about it as a caregiver make you a bad person?

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A few people have told me, "You can't take care of your Mom if you don't take care of yourself." This includes taking care of my health, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Respite care helps you better take care of your loved one because you come back refreshed. Whether that break is for a few hours, a weekend or a vacation... YOU NEED THAT BREAK SOMETIMES.

Today was grocery shopping day. Believe it or not... that is my respite at this point. I get out to meet people other than doctors and medical personnel (Mom's and mine). It helps that we live in a moderately small town, where I run into people I know who work or shop where I do.

In short, whatever respite (break from the monotony, weariness, etc. of caregiving) helps to refresh you... do it. Even a hobby, like STAR TREK or TrekBBS, helps refresh.

His insistence on caring for her at home may be part of his grieving process. He now realizes how fragile she is. Giving her the best care he can is part of his telling her how much he loves her and dreads her leaving him. His inability to give her care to others may in part be an inability to let her go, whenever that may be. You will all be in my thoughts.

^I think you may be right, KimM. Honestly, my dad reminds me a bit of his uncle. His uncle took care of his wife who had Alzheimers. He was exhausting himself and Dad wondered why his uncle didn't put her in an assisted living facility when the house wasn't properly equipped and his uncle wasn't physically right for the job. The other thing was my great-aunt was still ambulatory until she broke a hip.

I wish my dad would see respite care as a good thing, not something he needs to do "at some point."

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I don't know your situation, so I cannot judge by any means. If you can even convince him to go out to eat or over to a friend's for a meal... that is a start and will give him that respite time. Perhaps he would let a family member take over for that short a time.

My brother doesn't realize how much it means when he calls to invite me over for a steak on the grill or out to eat. I've told him, but it hasn't sunken in yet.