Bridesmaid Bullying Is Real

Being asked to be a bridesmaid is a huge honor—in theory. After all, one of your friends loves you enough to want to have you play an important role in her special day, be at her beck and call for months, and stick you in a dress you’ll never wear again. Still.

But lately we’ve been hearing a lot more stories of brides treating their bridesmaids like, well, crap. From demanding all bridesmaids dye their hair the same color for the big day to insisting that they help her pay for her wedding dress, some brides are getting out of control.

Unfortunately, bridesmaid bullying is happening more these days, says relationship psychologist Karin Anderson, Ph.D. “In the last 10 years, bridezillas have become a thing, and brides are being over the top,” she says. “The now thought is, ‘Well, I’m a bridezilla and I can bully people.’”

Licensed clinical psychologist Alicia Clark, Psy.D., agrees. “I have had more people really struggle to set limits with increasingly entitled and demanding brides,” she says.

Why is it happening? Jared DeFife, Ph.D., a psychologist and relationship counselor in Atlanta, says wedding stress is to blame. While weddings have always been intense to plan, they cause even more anxiety now that there are such huge expectations for the day and everything gets splashed all over social media.

That tends to create a competitive mentality with brides. “Pressure to be different, to be special, to be more memorable than others can create a backdrop of intense expectations, tempting brides to reach for higher and higher standards,” says Clark. “In a culture where so much credence is given to appearances, weddings give a socially sanctioned excuse to go all out, and make the best, most glamorous statement you can.”

The bride also gets the chance to be the center of attention and some women take the fact that bridesmaids are so accommodating to make her day special too far. Enter bridesmaid bullying.

What should you do if it happens to you? Experts say it’s important to stand up for yourself. “If you’re being bullied, you have no reason to put up with that,” says Anderson. But that doesn’t always mean you should confront the bride on her crummy behavior. “If you have a sense that she’s’ not going to hear what you have to say, there’s no point,” says Anderson. Instead, when the bride makes excessive demands, ease out of it with a simple “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that” or “I can’t make it.”

Clark agrees. “As hard as it is to say no or describe your discomfort with a certain request, agreeing to requests or demands that feel unreasonable will make you feel miserable complying and ultimately strain your relationship for the worse,” she says. “Being true to yourself, and your limits, will help offset whatever strains might burden your relationship.”

Of course, it’s possible the bride just isn’t aware of what she’s doing. “She may not understand when she is being unreasonable—her lens is skewed by her own excitement and expectations, as well as the demands she feels,” says Clark.

If you think she’s gone overboard and probably doesn’t realize it, you can sit her down and say that, while you’re there for her and want to do what you can to help, there’s a limit to what you can do, Anderson says.

While you can bow out of the wedding, experts say that should be a last resort. “That’s a pretty drastic stance,” Anderson says. “Someone could hold a grudge for quite a while over that, but if you’ve been bullied, you probably don’t want that person as your friend anymore anyway.”

Finally, keep this in mind: You don’t have to be a bridesmaid. If you suspect that a friend has bridezilla potential, DeFife says it’s a good idea to ask in advance what she expects of her bridesmaids. If it seems like too much, politely decline with something like “I’d love to be a part of your special day but I don’t think I can give you everything you need. Thank you so much for thinking of me—I’m honored” and leave it at that. Sometimes it’s better to shut down bridesmaid bullying before it even starts.