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April Fools and 13 Short Jokes

Playing doctor
Susie and Johnny were playing doctor, when Susie suddenly started crying and ran to her mother.
Later the Susie’s mother confronted the Johnny’s mother. “My Susie said that your Johnny was playing doctor with her!”.
Johnny’s mother responded calmly, “that’s OK, kids are always exploring. I wouldn’t worry about it.”
Susie’s mom screamed out, “but he took out her appendix!”

Have ya heard the one about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well, well, well….

What do you call a dinosaur that knows a lot of synonyms?
A thesaurus.

Lost my watch at party once..
I Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl.
I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose.
No one does that to a girl…. not on my watch.

I went to go update my cymbals….
But then they crashed

A mathematician walks home drunk at 3am and his wife is fuming.
“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”
“No,” slurs the mathematician… “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

I took the shell off my racing snail, hoping it would make him faster.
But, unfortunately, it just made him more sluggish.

Did you hear the one about the new chemistry teacher?
He’s getting mixed reactions

If you’re a doctor and you’re delivering dinner to a couple of patients, and you accidentally give the first plate of food to the wrong person, you need to be very careful about how you say, “I’m sorry, sir. You’ve got her peas.”

Would you call a drunk…
…working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

Did you hear about the guy who tried to lock himself in a shed for 1 hour?
In the end, he couldn’t contain himself.