You (The Conception Of Loneliness)

Once she had dreams. Danced on stage at the Apollo. Hair whipping about her, lean thighs quivering as she strutted to the pounding drums of a disco medley. The lights dimmed, curtain fell and the audience faded into a smoky haze as she remembered her lit cigarette still settled against the porcelain dip of the ashtray sitting on the bedside table.

Thoughts drifted to the afternoons of gay laughter as she turned and waved goodbye to her mother before trotting down the sidewalk. Dog in tow the leash tightened then loosened as he struggled to break free from her grasp.

She met “him” four city blocks away as he sat on the porch picking his afro. So suave he was with that dimpled smile that made all the neighborhood girls swoon. Innocence stood before him. Skirt hiked just enough to glimpse tender young thighs. She leaned in close so his nostrils could inhale the flowery scent emanating from her slender neck.

She loved him in all the ways young love consumes those not wise enough to know. Then the leash slipped through her hands and the dog found his way home. The only remnants of love remained in a tiny seed of loneliness that became you.

Many nights She fought the truth and drowned herself in the sorrows of cheap wine from convenient stores. Looked in your face and saw the bitterness of her failures reflected back. Your smile resembled the Cheshire Cat, mocking her with a vile contempt that she could not escape. The liquid burned going down her raw throat. The result of screams used as daggers to pierce your delicate eardrums and tainted the promise of peaceful slumber. A reminder of the dank place you resided in her heart...

and she felt alone because of you.

He wanted her... and the momentary blindness was necessary to survival. A prospect of evenings shivering underneath the worn blanket of her makeshift bed trumped whatever the night held in store for you. She turned away. Then called to him in the dark, he obviously wandered into your room unintentionally…and at some angles your body resembled hers. Intoxicated and longing for touch he nestled against you, but it was her he wanted.

She refused to see and the gifts he gave consoled her wandering thoughts but still he left... because of you.

So she changed her religion because the one before wasn’t working out. Lit aromatic candles and chanted in dull monotones for inner strength and positive karma. Cut pork from her diet (at least when he was around) and lamented the black man’s plight in America. She bowed on bruised knees in the quiet cathedral of her youth. Silently praying for the window of a brighter future to open and shed it’s light upon her. You gave her no slack and dulled the light of hope. Disappointment at every turn she kicked at your knotted belly. Hoped you would leave yet everyday those sank as she walked through the door, there you stood…

Alone

Then rays of sunshine filtered through the shabby blinds of her bungalow shack. The day they placed that leather bound document in your hand. She held it to her dainty nose and sniffed the faint scent that smelled of freedom. Free of you and of the chains of loneliness as she eyed the tall slender frame of the man attired in dress blues. It was not a fairytale but surely there stood her knight in shining armor.She waved a brief goodbye at the threshold of the bungalow and wished you well with the slightest tug of a envious heart. Turned her back and prayed you’d never return. Now happiness was inevitable.

No longer alone because of you she basked in the embrace of another.

As 365 days came and went in cycles of monotony and predictability, she began to wonder if you’d ever return. Moments slipped away and time marched on like the quiet footsteps of Blue Jays in spring. She waited for the familiarity of you to darken the halls of my dwelling once more.You never came…although someone who resembled you arrived from time to time. Gone forever it seems, when all she wanted was to sit you down at a rickety table and tell you of her woes since you’d been away.

So she sat alone at the sturdy table…and waited.

Snow fell heavily then soon melted to nothing, the greenery of their landscape looked spotty amongst the brown weeds. Night fell and she trudged to the bedroom in her large suburban home. Laid in a large cozy bed and stole a glance at her left hand adorned with a big finely cut diamond. All was quiet. She clapped twice then the room went dark, except for the blue glow from the television. Listening for him as the minutes tick away, her mind wandered once to thoughts of you. He sits downstairs in his big plush chair staring blankly at the television until he thinks she’s fast asleep. The predictability of this routine she knew well. Eyes grow heavy unable to avoid the whispers of another tortured slumber.Her ears catch the sound of his chuckles as they turn to sobs of a life he once longed for.