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So, basically I have a girl crush on Hellogiggles (I think of the site in the feminine terms. Like a ship), I also have a role model/big sister crush on the creators of the site, Sophia Rossi, Molly McAleer, and Zooey Deschanel, and I’m so psyched to be their Illustrated Tweet of the Day!

I’ve been posting this all over the internet, so if you follow my junk on any other site expect that this will be the only thing you’ll be hearing about today. Just let me revel in my moment!!!

Hey, guys. So, I have nothing to give right now. It’s 1pm as I write this, so, obviously, it’s my usual nap time. I can’t nap, though because I need to be able to go to bed early, and if I don’t get my nap I get cranky and don’t want to do anything, which I’m pretty sure everyone thinks is really adorable. Sooooo, here’s a lil something for your Funny Friday… the only thing I could muster with such profound sleep deprivation.

This is We Can Be Heroes written/starring Australian comedian, Chris Lilley who is probably my favorite male comedian. This show was made before Summer Heights High, but was never featured in America. If you like SHH you’ll like this, too.

Here’s another 7 Minutes in Heaven that just came out! It features Amy Poehler! Queen Amy! Probably my favorite one so far.

Today I’ll be teaching you how to make what I like to call the Caroline Manzo. Really, it’s an italian drink made from coke and red wine called a Kalimotzo, but I saw it in an episode of RHONJ, and you know I’ll make a Manzo and/or Laurita reference at any opportunity.

After my gym class I picked up some Diet Coke and wine- a nice and complete shopping list for a Thursday at 10 am. I didn’t want to spend too much as this was just for a blog, not for some serious, down-to-business drinking. I’ve got to say, I think it’s nothing short of a tragedy that my local Trader Joe’s doesn’t carry alcohol, thus no tried and tested Two Buck Chuck. Other than TBC, I’ve never gone below $8 for wine because I’m such a vino snob and all, but today was a new day. I have a trip to Las Vegas coming up, so I need to be frugal with my drinking habit. I managed to get it down to $3.49 with Golden Gate Vinters! I didn’t try it without the diet coke, but I sense some slight Manischevitz undertones.

Mmmm mmm mmmm, this is actually very refreshing. It also allows me to put ice in my wine and drink it with a straw, judgement-free, which is what I really want to do in the first place, anyway.

I was lucky enough to have two and a half American Girl dolls: one was a gift from my aunt and uncle- the kind that you could pick their hair, eye, and skin color. The other was Felicity (because I’ve always been pro-ginger), and the half was an asian bitty baby, which I was confused about for a very long time. I think my mom’s rationale was that I “looked like an eskimo” when I was born, so I resembled the asian baby more than the blonde white ones. It was very important you looked like your American Girl dolls because…. God forbid someone thought you adopted them? I’m not really sure what the reasoning was for this, but I just remember everyone wanting to look like their doll.

I think American Girl dolls were my first example that some people have more or less money than others. Like, I knew girls that didn’t have any because their parents thought it was crazy to pay $80 for a doll and couldn’t afford it, then there was girls like me who had one or two and COVETED their dolls because they were EIGHTY DOLLAR DOLLS.

Then there was the spoiled category of girls. I remember going to this girl’s house for a Super Bowl party and walking through her mansion and seeing, I kid you not, 1-3 dolls in every room of her house. Just strewn about like common Barbies!!! Their limbs all askew! Naked! It was Law and Order: SVU up in that house, and there was a serial doll abuser on the loose. I was probably 8 or 9 and can remember being horrified that these dolls were being treated so poorly. If I had ever treated my dolls like that my parents, Benson and Stabler, would have killed me.

I don’t know the girl with all the dolls anymore, but I imagine she’s a monster now. How can someone be expected to grow into a well-adjusted, humble young lady if she was taught from an early age that American Girl dolls were not to be respected?

I like to think of myself as a good judge of character (or extremely judgmental), and when I have a first time interaction I can figure out pretty quickly if I could be friends with someone or not.

Usually when I introduce myself to someone, it goes 1 of 3 ways: 1. They hear my name and make a Dora the explorer reference. If you do this, it’s all over between us. The people who call me Dora, or worse, Dara the Explara, always think they are just so darn clever, and I must be so taken with them and their unique observation. I have never met a person who called me Dora and was tolerable to be around.

The other option is 2. They don’t say anything about my name expect for maybe that they’ve never met a Dara or whatever…because why exactly do you need to figure out what my name relates to, anyway? Like, I don’t meet a Lindsay and go “ohhh like Lohan! Do any coke lately?! HIGH FIVE!” but maybe that’s just me and people actually do that. Anyway, this is a toss up, you’re still in the game here- we could get along.

Option 3. They ask me if “I remember that show Daria.” I can tell that we are gonna be friends (did you sing that in your head? If not look up the White Stripes and learn the song. It enhances this experience). I dig these people because for one, they don’t get all up in your face about the reference. Dora the Explorer people lose all sense of physical boundaries with me because they are so psyched with their pop culture reference. People who think of Daria when they hear my name are just a chilled out group of people. I assume these people can hang. Daria was one of my favorite shows when it was on and you can tell a lot about a person based on the TV they watch…and if they tell you they don’t watch TV because they’re just too busy, then they are the worst people of all. Get off your high horse! Don’t make me feel judged because I watch Ice Loves Coco! Ice and Coco have a beautiful and genuine love for one another- how could you not want to watch that?!

Like this:

I just thought I’d do you a favor and show you these videos. Basically, I’m always just doing you a solid with Funny Friday and enriching your life with comedy. These are the funniest videos I’ve seen in a while!

Sorry this isn’t a longer post, but I gotta go to work and sell body butter to middle aged house wives BUH BYEEEE.

Last week for Thirsty Thursday I infused some vanilla vodka with blueberries, and this week I’m employing my spot on follow up skills and letting you know how it turned out with this blueberry pancake martini.

Surprisingly enough, the finished product just tasted like booze and not an actual pancake. I mixed 2 parts infused vodka and 2 parts butterscotch schnopps and one part fat free half and half (garnished with a maple salt water taffy).

Oh, ya know, just a little blogging and drinking. Excuse me, I had one sip and can’t type anymore.

I’m so very lucky to have been birthed by a lady who will drive great lengths for food (usually of the fried or pastry variety). So, for no reason my mom and I drove an hour to the beach to get a bunch of food.

My grandmother says this sign used to say something along the lines of “Salisbury Beach: No Dogs, Jews, or Blacks,” but no one asked me to leave, so I think they’re cool with it now.German fries. If I were on the “Best Thing I Ever Ate” my list would include: German fries, a brie sandwich from the Baltimore airport, and a Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit from the TX fast food chain Whattaburger, so uh, ya, you can call me a foodie. What we came home with: cannoli, pizza, caramel corn, salt water taffy, cotton candy, cellulite.

I was doing some cleaning in my room and found a binder I had around the third grade when I wanted to be a fashion designer. There’s several pages of work, but these three drawings were easily the most impressive of the bunch, what with the construction paper and all. What I find most interesting about this (because I won’t pretend to assume that any of you find these pictures interesting) is that it’s so obvious these were made in the 90’s, and I can tell you exactly what I was influenced by when I drew them.

I really put some time into this one- just look at those fireworks! I just want to point out that those shoes (that have toes inside them, but no foot or body attached to said toes) are jellies. For some reason I think Kirsten Dunst was my influence for this one- I think I had just seen the movie Dick.

Okay, first of all, that hat is supposed to be pleather. Secondly, that shirt is influenced by the shirt the girl wears in the video for the song “Lovefool.” If you were curious, the “W” on those shoes stands for “Whatever.”This outfit has to be my favorite. The shoes are all sorts of Spice Girls. Do you remember the Spice Girl days? Everyone had some version of platform shoes, and the girls with the highest platforms were the coolest (and according to your mom, had the most neglectful parents. Smaller the platform, better the parent). Now may I direct your attention to the trim on every available seam- this is marabou! If you can remember, Mary Kate and Ashley (on Two of a Kind) always had the fly-est marabou trimmed everything! Also, marabou was all over Clueless the TV show (the movie had decidedly less marabou). Someday I hope to be rich enough to get this entire outfit made.

I recently started doing temp work (which, I believe, is what people mean by the saying “living the dream”) and this past weekend I did some promos for Chandler Farm body butter and lotion. Basically, I just stood at a table in front of a display and tried to get people to buy it.

Now, yes, this is actually a good product, but this post is partly about that and partly about me spitting some truth on all you lotion users because now I know a thing or two.

So the reason why this stuff is good is it’s natural and organic, but what’s more is there’s no petroleum in it- because oh, guess what? Petroleum gives you breast cancer, and it’s in practically everything. In Europe, you can use petroleum in cosmetics, but it has to be completely pure and safe, but in America petroleum can be any level of purity, so the same petroleum used in shoe polish can be used in your lotion. I hope you sleep well tonight, FDA!

The lotion also smells/feels nice…and, again, doesn’t give you cancer, which is always considerate. You can get it here.

Here’s some other information that will make you feel depressed. It’s all the ingredients thats are going to kill you/bad for the environment but are legal in the US, anyway (from the Chandler Farm site).

Palm Oil: Over harvesting of palm oil has threatened the survival of the Orangutan in the wild. With our current rate of harvesting, the Orangutan could be extinct from the wild in as soon as 10 years. Palm oil is prevalent in Bodycare, Food, Bio-Fuel.

Parabens (methl-, ethyl-, propyl, butyl, isobutyl-): “Parabens are chemical preservatives that have been identified as estrogenic and disruptive of normal hormone function. Estrogenic chemicals mimic the function of the naturally occurring hormone estrogen, and exposure to external estrogens has been shown to increase the risk of breast cancer.”- Gorgeously Green

Phthalates: “These horrid little synthetic chemicals are known to cause a broad range of birth defects and lifelong reproductive impairment in lab animals exposed during pregnancy and after birth. They are often hidden under the term, “fragrance.”- Gorgeously Green

Sodium Lauryl Sulfate (SLS) and Sodium Lauryl Ether Sulfate (SLES): “This ingredient is a foaming agent that is derived from coconut oil. It is used in brake fluid and antifreeze and also in a huge variety of skin care products, including toothpaste, shampoo, bubble bath, and soap.There is a great deal of controversy surrounding SLS, as many feel that it is not only a proven skin irritant but also could be carcinogenic. The Environmental Working Group considers it to be a carcinogen.” – Gorgeously Green