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The L Word

The L Word (2004–2009) was an American and Canadian co-production television drama series on Showtime portraying the lives of a group of lesbian, bisexual and transgender people and their friends, family and lovers in the trendy Los Angeles-area city of West Hollywood, California.

Dana: When are you going to make up your mind between dick and pussy? And please spare us the gory bisexual details.

Alice: Well, for your information, Dana, I am looking for the same qualities in a man as I am in a woman.

Dana: [to Tina, gesturing] Big tits.

Shane: It has nothing to do with you guys. You know, it's the... it's the new male.

Dana: What? What do you know about men, I mean, you've never even been with a man.

Shane: Well, the new male is more spiritual than the old male. He sees his sperm as an extension of his inner being, whereas the old male shot into any female without thinking about what would happen. The new male totally cares what becomes of his seed.

Alice: Oh, my God, it's Yoda.

Dana: Yeah, they teach that at hairdresser school, by the way.

Bette: Well that's great. Why do they have to go all sensitive on us just when we need them to keep on being the same old assholes.

Alice: Well, you're going to have no trouble getting that kid into the Center for Early Education. It's gonna be, like, diversity poster child.

Bette: [trying to ascertain Lara's orientation based on the limited data that Dana's provided] Dana, honey, we can't, you know, possibly make any kind of accurate analysis when you haven't even had a conversation with her. I mean, we need something to go on.

Dana: She... she sends me vegetables on skewers, with, um, with like these perfect little grill marks on them? And, um, sometimes she sends me these dipping sauces with like no fat or anything else heavy in them, not to mess up my training, you know.

Tina: These skewered vegetables? Did she come up with them all on her own, or did you order them?

Bette: No, no, no, Dana cannot do that. And that's totally understandable. You don't want to put yourself out there for someone who maybe is just being nice to you, because, you know, you're an important person at the club.

Dana: Exactly.

Alice: Please don't encourage her.

Bette: It's okay, Dana. We are gonna take care of this.

Alice: You mean?

Bette: I mean.

Dana: What?

Bette: We are going to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent of one Miss Lara Perkins.

Alice: [Bette, Tina, Shane, and Alice have just visited Dana's country club to see if they can figure out if Lara is gay] All right. So far, it's neck-and-neck.

Bette: Well, she's got some good lezzie points for her walk, and the way she [gestures with hand] moves that chopping knife.

Shane: Yeah, but she's way femmy on the coiffure tip.

Alice: Yeah, and her reaction to the two of you kissing was split because she didn't freak out which was a good sign, but she hardly paid any attention.

Tina: Yeah, but you guys, she's got 9 in the lez column and she only has 7 in the straight.

Alice: Yeah, but the margin of error is plus or minus 5 percentage points.

Bette: You know what we have to do.

[They all look at Shane who looks back warily]

Dana: [after seeing an exchange between Jenny and Marina] I thought Jenny was straight.

Tina: What are you gonna tell her? You're gonna say, "Gabby, I really enjoy the time we've spent together, but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship, and I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way."

Bette: "It's clear to me now that you are an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love."

Tina: "And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you."

Bette: "So step off, bitch!"

Alice[to Gabby]: Gabby, I really enjoy the time we've spent together, but it is obvious to me that we are in different places in our lives and we want different things out of a relationship. And I respect myself too much to let you continue to treat me this way. It's clear to me now that you are... an emotional cripple without any kind of capacity to understand true love. And I'm no longer willing to waste my valuable time on you... So... Step off, bitch.

Jenny: [to Marina] I don't know what to do. [sighs] Every time I look at you, I feel so completely dismantled.

Police Officer: [to Tim] That's why this country's homosexuals are so dangerous. When you got two people, they got the same equipment, and they both know how to treat it. How could anybody of the opposite sex compete with that?

Jenny: [to Marina] What happened between us was a terrible mistake. It is never gonna happen again. I will never see you again. Do you understand that?

Kit: What is wrong with my baby sister to go off and leave her pregnant wife all alone for some crazy-ass bitch to go off on? Bring her on. I wish she would bring her face up in here, that would be the last time. Look at all these women! [sees Lisa] And dude. We... will... kick... ass. [everyone agrees] I mean, what's wrong with her? I'm sure the man has enough sperm for everybody.

Marina: Jenny's responsible for her own actions. As we all are. I don't think it's me you're angry with.

Tim: Don't tell me how I feel. [angrily] Do not! You preyed on her. Pretended to be her friend! Playing your phony intellectual games just to get into her pants! You know what? You are fucking pathetic, Marina.

Tina: I just want to know, are you into him as a lesbian, or as a man?

Dana: Maybe you should call yourself a transsexual.

Alice: [leaving a message for Shane] Shane! Where are you? It's really, really lonely here at The Planet and your roommates are over here saying "twat" like they have Tourette's Syndrome. Dana and Lara left, and all they were doing is giving me the "we fucked all night and no one else in the world matters" vibe. It was gross! Anyway, I wish you'd come be... surly and cynical with me. Bye!

Shane: Hey, guys. Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.

Alice: Ugh, do you have to make that joke every time we play this game?

Dana: We've seen this happen to other couples that we've known. Janet and Sue for instance. Claudia and Tammy. Oh god, especially Mimi and Ivy. Wow. It would kill us, you guys, if you wound up like Mimi and Ivy. And we wouldn't be your friends if we just stood back and let you get so... so...

Alice: I know this is painful. Denial is very common, it's okay. That's why we've actually made this list of incidents and this multiple choice self assessment test, which we'll go through with you, and then the two of you can fill it out together and tally the results.

Annette: So it just... came outta nowhere and bit 'ya on the ass? Just like that? Because I mean, y'know... [turns to Jenny] I love women. Yeah, for companionship, I figure I could do without the company of men entirely. Except, dude... can't get down with the puss. I love a dick.

Jenny: I think I'm bisexual.

Annette: Oh, brother.

Jenny: I do. I really do.

Annette: Jenny. Is this just your way of telling me that you had a huge crush on me in college?

Jenny: Why couldn't I have been born with a trust fund, you know? All I wanna do is just sit at this desk and just write and...

Annette: That's because most people with trust funds aren't tortured enough to write.

Francesca: [to Jenny] The thing about Marina is that when she focuses on you, you feel like you're the only one that exists. It's her gift. I don't blame you for falling in love with her. [to Marina] But maybe you use your gift a little too freely.

Alice: [to Dana, who is moping in bed] Some of us have it worse, you know, Dana. Some of us are dating lesbian men. Okay? C'mon.

Dana: [about her mom] It's like I came out to a piece of wood. I mean, she didn't even mention it.

Alice: That's good. She's accepting it through denial.

Dana: She's setting me up on a blind date with her friend Mildred's son!

Alice: At least it's not shock therapy.

Andrew: You know, I don't understand why you need to be set up. When your mother showed me your picture I was, like--

Dana: Was it a Subaru ad by any chance?

Andrew: Oh, you did a Subaru ad?

Dana: Yeah. The slogan was "Get out and stay out."

Andrew: Oh, is that like an outdoorsy kind of...

Dana: Gay thing? Yeah, look, um... That's me, okay? I'm... I'm a lesbian! [Andrew looks at her weirdly with lust] Don't look at me like that, okay? I don't wanna have sex with you and another woman, okay? I'd just... I would want to have sex with a woman, alright. I'm that gay.

Tina: [telling them how she and Bette first met] So then, that night I go home and I realize... I left the earring at her gallery even though I could have sworn that I put it back on my ear. [chuckling] Call it fate.

Gene: Well, the, um... the one female was running away from the five males. She stays in heat for a month and the... the bulls spend the entire time smashing into each other, trying to have sex with her then they just kinda ditch her once she's pregnant.

Jenny: Gosh, that sounds like a lot of humans.

Gene: If you wanna have dinner sometime... I could tell you everything I know about manatees.

Marina: [to Robin] The Greek word eros denotes want, like, the desire for that which is missing. The lover wants what he doesn't have. It is by definition impossible for him to have what he wants if as soon as it is had it is no longer wanted.

Bette: [leaving a message] Fuck, Tina, I know you're real busy saving the world and everything, but I need you to start answering your phone.

Shane: [to Cherie] You know... my entire life, people have said that... I would become a psychopath if I didn't learn how to feel. But I wanna know, Cherie, what the fuck is so great about feeling? Because I finally let myself. And I feel like my heart's been completely ripped out.