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Friday, February 8, 2008

Rent a...what?

First, I have to admit that after I read Eden’s insightful post about erotic romance, a thought-provoking blog topic came to mind and I truly had the best intention to post it. However, seeing how it’s Friday, I decided to share this nugget of internet insanity that recently found its way into my Inbox instead. (BTW - the person who sent it to me owes me a new wireless keyboard…I spit coffee all over mine this morning. You know who you are.)

Anyway, move over Blockbuster Total Access and Gamefly, because Rent-A-Dildo is you're new competition. Yup. You read that right. Someone has come up with Netflix for sex toys.

Now, I could paraphrase the Q&A off the RAD website, but I think it’s too mind-boggling not to read yourself:

How do you keep the toys clean and safe?
We've developed a patent-pending process for thoroughly cleaning each toy before it is sent out to a customer. Our extensive research and testing indicate that this will allow us to provide safe, hygienic sex toys without the fear of transmission of disease. Customers who are still concerned about safety can simply use a condom or other latex barrier with each toy.

What is the selection like?
We offer a full range of sex toys, from anal beads to rabbit vibrators to nipple clamps and cock rings. Not to mention dildos in every shape, size, color, and material. Each toy is tested for quality and performance before it is added to our collection.

How does the free shipping work? We ship each toy to you in a discreet, unmarked box. Inside the box you will find a return mailing label. When you are done with the toy, simply put it back in the original box and mail it back to us. You never have to pay for shipping!

What if I want to buy a toy?
If you enjoy a toy so much you want to keep it, you have two options. You can simply keep the toy you currently have, and we'll charge you a low replacement fee, or you can order a new one at our low discounted prices. Either way you enjoy a try-before-you-buy option unavailable elsewhere in the sex toy world.

Do you include batteries?
Many of our toys are battery-operated. When you order a toy, you can select the "batteries included option" for a small fee and you'll get the appropriate batteries to power your toy right in the box!

What about lube?
With each toy shipment we include a package of our own specially-formulated silicone-based lube. We encourage you to use this lube with the toys. Not only is it extremely high quality and pleasurable, it is safe for use with latex condoms and barriers and cleans easily.

How long can I keep each toy?
You can keep each toy for as long as you want. There are no late fees, only a monthly subscription fee: $19 for one toy out at a time, $29.99 for two toys, and $49.99 for the Golden Dildo plan with three toys out and priority to receive new, unused toys as rentals.

$50 a month for the Golden Dildo Plan and you’re still not guaranteed the new toys? Sheesh! And I’m sorry, “try before you buy,” is fine on things like cars and computer programs, but sex toys – not so much.

Now, I have no idea if this is real or not. Frankly, I am hoping and praying it’s fake, (or if it’s not, they change the name to rent-an-std.) Either way, this entire concept has completely derailed me today. My head is still trying to wrap around it. I mean, who would pay $20 a month to use a second-hand sex toy, even with their patented cleaning process? And who is cleaning them? Is that actually someone’s job?

“What do you do, Bob?”

"Oh, I’m a dildo washer at the local RAD distribution center.”

Ew! Just ew!

So, what do you all think? Ingenious money maker you wish you thought of or wrong on so many levels? Either way, I hope it made you smile this fine Friday.

Okay, I'm betting someone has a wicked, tongue-in-ass-cheek sense of humor. No way, Jose', this is real. Or, we could call the FDA, let them do something useful, other than giving out bad drugs that kill.So, who's the writing genius behind this funnier-than-most-sitcoms piece?

Ooooo. I hope its a joke. It reminds me of a story a co-worker told me one time. She was moving and had packed up some of her old "toys". She was carrying them out to the dumpster, looking over her shoulder to make sure no one was watching, when something in the box turned itself on! She said she dropped it right beside the dumpster, (because it was full)and hurried away. When she left for work about an hour later, the box was gone!