Conor Cawley: Picking Halloween Costumes – A Timeline

The beginning of September reminds you that summer is over. In a desperate attempt to console your sadness, you start thinking of all the great holidays on the horizon. That’s when Halloween pops into your mind and you get excited to plan your costume. You aim to avenge your poor decisions last year when you put on a blue shirt and red shoes and told everyone you were Sonic The Hedgehog with no hair dye, no gloves, and a “ring” you carried around that was just a miniature hula hoop that you didn’t even paint gold. Pathetic.

The possibilities seem endless this year. There are craft stores and costume shops that haven’t even opened there doors yet whose selections of costumes, masks and accessories will be more than plentiful. You could be your favorite video game character, a topical reference to pop culture or even a silly pun that combines two unlikely but delightful costumes in one!

One Month Until Halloween:

No progress has been made whatsoever. The sheer volume of options has frozen you in a state of constant debate. Should I try to look sexy or funny? Will it be too cold to wear outside or should I dress for the great indoors? Would it be easier to not wear a costume at all and instead brainstorm a pretentious quip to say when people ask who I am, like “I’m a casual Republican BWAHAHA.”

You’ve realized now that the key to a fun, stress-free Halloween costume is to commit as soon as possible so you can plan accordingly and shop around as many stores as possible to find the exact items that will prevent people from asking who you are at all.

One Week Until Halloween:

After collecting random accessories from thrift stores and garage sales, you now have one item for four different costumes. You’ve spent hours upon hours thinking of how a diamond tiara, a boxing glove, a king kong mask and fireman pants can be turned into one comprehensible outfit. For future reference, they cannot.

Of course, every costume idea you’ve been interested in requires somewhere between $100 and $1,000,000 to adequately pull off. Affordability has become your main concern. Can you repurpose a clothes hangar into a suit of armor? Probably not, but hey, it’s worth a try!

One Day Until Halloween:

Affordability is out the window and availability has become the prime objective. At this point, you know what your plans are for the following night and need to adjust any previous ideas quickly and accordingly.

In the meantime, the costume shop near your office has been nearly empty for days and the only thing you can find is a wig that feels like an old mop without the handle. You agree to hang out at friends’ houses for the sole purpose of looking through their closet to find the suit jacket that will make your “Reservoir Dogs” costume work.

One Hour Before You Go Out on Halloween:

The world is coming to an end. Nothing fits, everything looks gross and you’re guaranteed to be under-dressed for the weather. Your friends’ costumes look like George Lucas designed them himself and your ghost outfit leaves literally everything to the imagination. There is no hope for an interesting conversation with a stranger because of your witty reimagining of Captain Crunch and you won’t be let into any parties for free because your Avatar costume is “on point.”

One Minute Before You Go Out on Halloween:

Who cares! It’s forty-five degrees outside and you’re wearing nothing but a thin bed sheet and a smile that only processed sugar and cheap alcohol can produce. You are going to see fighting couples dressed as Mario and Luigi, drunk nuns throwing up in bathrooms and more Borats in one place than previously conceivable. This is what fun looks like!

Halloween is a holiday. You’re supposed to be stressed. Just be sure you look as much like a train-wreck as everyone else when you do it.