4.26.2012

Male Sexual Abuse

James
Dean, Carols Santana, Greg Luganis, Robert Blake, Axl Rose and Henry
Rollins were all victims of sexual abuse. A sexually abused male will
frequently hide his experiences, only to suffer depression and other Post Traumatic Stress-related symptoms as an adult. Symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder include:

~Types of sexual abuse: Exposing a
child (minor under the years of 18) to sexual materials, sexually
inappropriate language or teasing, asking a child to watch the
perpetrator masturbate, asking a child to masturbate, touching of a
child's genitalia (either over or under clothing), coercing a minor to
touch another's genitalia (either the perp. or another person's),
forcing a child to give or receive oral copulation. Less common sexual
abuse includes anal intercourse (sodomy) and insertion of objects.

~The
abuser does not need to be of adult age - 18 or older. Courts typically
recognize abuse when the predator is 2-4 years older than the minor
child, e.g. victim is 7 and the abuser is 15.

Men
rarely disclose their past childhood abuse to girlfriends or wives
because they fear "looking bad" or being perceived as weak. In fact, men
frequently spend an entire lifetime keeping this painful secret from
everyone. The most common examples of abuse
typically include molest by a) older male sibs b) older male relatives,
and c) men in positions of trust or authority.

Men abused as children will ask themselves, "Why me?"
"Maybe he didn't intend to hurt me," "I should be over this by now," or
"I could have done something to stop it." No child ever does anything
to warrant or deserve abuse, sexual exploitation, or physical violation.Children are weak and vulnerable;
they trust adults and are taught to follow direction. Sexual behaviors
are strange and unfamiliar; children usually have no way of
understanding what is exactly happening in the midst of their molest
encounter. In the face of stress or confusion, children will freeze, or
"go along. " Frequently, children comply with an abuser in order to
protect another sibling or a parent, "If you tell, I will hurt your sister."
Children are easily tricked, lured, or emotionally manipulated into
believing that they (the child) will be in trouble, or, a parent will be
angry or upset at them, so they don't tell. Again, it is never, ever - not ever - the child's fault.

Men
who have been abused do not usually become abusers themselves. Men who
abuse almost always have been abused. Men who have been victims of
sexual molest or rape will not/do not become homosexual because of this
trauma, yet, these fears and shameful thoughts deeply affect male
survivors ("If I was picked as a molest victim by another male, I must
be gay," or, "Since I developed an erection while I was molested, I am
obviously attracted to men." )

If a
child tried to tell a mom or dad, and was not believed, this victim may
grow up feeling rage, rejection, helplessness, or worthlessness. These
feelings will intensify over time and ignoring them - pushing away the memories or thoughts - will not be effective over the course of a lifetime. Yes,
repressing or distracting will work for awhile, but eventually the
truth of our life experience must be brought into the light.

Research
indicates that men who have experienced childhood sexual abuse view
themselves in a negative light, feel contempt for their partners and
become defensive more frequently than men who have not been abused.

The sooner
abuse is dealt with, the better off the individual will be. It's common
for adult survivors to "wait" to deal with the experience until things
are calm enough to be addressed, financial security is in place, or some
major milestone in life is achieved i.e. college, promotion, grown
kids, etc. But, typically, men seek therapy when the banana's have hit the fan;
relationships are stalled or empty, substance abuse has hit break-neck
speed, or a partner is urging you to "deal with your past." Some
common thoughts that prevent men from seeking counseling: "Why does it
matter now?" "I should be over it at this point," "Talking about it will
only make it worse," or "If I allow myself to go there, I will flip
out/go crazy/want to kill someone."Therapy
helps an individual recognize the reality of their life experience,
reconcile the events into some form of acceptance, distance enough to
maintain healthy relationships with safe people, and finally feel
validation for the intensity of their painful and confusing thoughts and
feelings. Talking about the abuse, while difficult, will be the
difference between a happy life and an unhappy life, closeness to your
children, intimate partners, and learning to trust others. An
experienced clinician can work through this complex emotional terrain
with you.