Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Conquering Fears

The other day I was having a intense conversation with my therapist, um I mean, my buddy about something very interesting. Based on the fact that I have so many episodes of rage from the stories I talk to her about, and the fits of rage I document on my blog which she reads, she thought it would be therapeutic to talk about the things that I am scared of. At first, when she mentioned this, I couldn't think of anything I am scared of. See, like I have said before, I lack the ability to be scared of any person. Not trying to sound like a tough guy who can't be beat, I know I can get my ass kicked like anyone else, I have always lacked the ability to be scared of a person that's all. When I expressed this to her she gave me a "what are you an asshole look" look as she said, "You don't have any inanimate fears?? Come on HumanityCritic!" I got to thinking, so here are a few.

Heights: The sad thing about this fear is that it seems to be getting worse with age. Granted, if I have to get on a plane I will, I'm not that scary. But the first time I knew I had an issue with heights was in High School when I took my girlfriend to one of those local makeshift carnivals that comes to your town. Anyway, she had just seem me fight a kid in the cafeteria in her honor a few days before so in her eyes I was her "knight in shining armor" and shit. We get on this ride called "The Spider", where each compartment that you are in is suspended high off the ground, and it spins out of control. About 2 seconds into the ride I knew I was in trouble, trying to play it off as best as I can. Then I couldn't contain my fear any more, I started screaming like a woman in a slasher flick as I grasped my girlfriends arm as tightly as Lois Lane did when she flew with Superman. When the ride ended she gave me a look of disgust, as if she had just found out that I possessed female genitalia or something.

The most recent example of my fear of heights is when I was staying at some swanky hotel in Time Square. I thought that my biggest problem in New York City would be crazy drink prices and women who charge too much for the "services". I was surprised to find out that my arch nemesis would be a motherfucking elevator! I was staying on the 8th floor or something and I used the elevator to my room, no big deal. But when I went down in the elevator it freaked me out, beside the fact that it was entirely glass, but also because it flew downward with breakneck speed. I thought I was going to shit myself, plus it was embarrassing hyperventilating in front of supermodels because my black ass is afraid of heights.

Snakes: I think my fear of snakes was amplified when I was in grade school and a person from the local zoo brought one in. While the kids were petting this enormous snake, that reptilian motherfucker started bugging the fuck out and slithering like it was hopped up on crack or something. Most of the kids were reasonable, simply just running out of the room. Not me, I not only ran out of the room but I ran about 2 blocks down the street. To add insult to injury, I forcibly made my point known to the principle and my teacher that I wouldn't set foot back in that classroom until that animal trainer had left the premises. I was a strange kid.

Another episode where I faced my fear of snakes head on is when I "dated" a woman with a fucking python as a pet. Usually I would have never been caught dead in the house of anyone with that type of "pet", but when she had company over she kept it in a gigantic glass cage, and she had "2 scoops" that Baskin Robbins couldn't fuck with and she had a backside that you could put a drink on.(hey, I'm a guy..) One night while I was sleeping along side her I woke up briefly to find her snake slithering beside me. I was so scared, and knew that any sudden movements might mean my demise, so I managed to whisper in my her direction that her snake was loose in a why that told her, "I am pussy, hear me roar!" She gently got up, grabbed her python, put it back in it's cage and fell back asleep. Well my ass was still horrified, but to save any shred of dignity I went outside her house and hyperventilated until I threw up. If I ever meet any of you bloggers and I go off on some sort of "tough guy" rant, just simply say "Remember that time you threw up because of your fear of snakes?", that should shut my ass up immediately.

Clowns: I don't know if I'm scared of clowns or just extremely irritated. It's funny, because I had a friend who was horrified by snakes and I used to give him shit about it constantly. But something funny has happened over the past 3 years, whenever I see a clown I get irritated and downright testy.

I was at my friend's kids 4th birthday party. The kids were having a great time being entertained by a clown that my boy hired, as the adults are getting shitfaced off of Jamaican rum. The clown, after finishing his time with the kids, comes over to me and says "Would the Man who looks like Lennox Lewis like a balloon??" I reply, "What motherfucker? Beat it, get the fuck out of my face before I strangle you with those fucking balloons!" He walked away and that was that. A few minutes later he comes to me with a fake dreadlock wig, putting up his fists and mocking me by saying, "I have dreadlocks and I'm a tough-guy!!" I smile and try to compose myself and say, "Hey buddy, you're pushing it!!" He spends the next few minutes clowning me, and I wanted to beat up Grimace's homeboy in the worst way but the fact that kids were around prevented me from acting a fool. Until I noticed that the clown was leaving early, so I followed him to his car and tried to beat the clown nose off of that motherfucker. I should have just walked away, I knew that, but the mere fact that my friend said, "Look, HumanityCritic is whooping Ronald McDonald's ass!!" will always be the funniest thing in the world to me.

My brother's "hanging attire": My brother is 11 years my senior and I love the guy, no doubt about that. Also, what I am about to explain to you isn't exactly a "fear" but the sight of what I am about to explain to you guys actaully keeps me up some nights. My brother, whenever we stay in the same residence,(due to a family outing, etc) not only walks around with his shirt off but either walks around in his drawers, or some extremely tight short shorts. I couldn't tell you how many times I have told him, "Put some fucking clothes on before I kick you in the chest, no one wants to see that shit!!" But I would have been better off just staying silent, because he does it even more now based on me being critical of him. This one time I could have sworn that I actually saw one of his butt-cheeks because the shorts were so tight, fucking disgusting. I could understand if my brother was a flamboyant gay man, or one of Madonna's dancers or something, then maybe I could be more accepting of the fact he wears "nut huggers". I even bought him a shitload of sweat pants and baggy shorts and said, "Here, this is my gift to you. No one wants to see ANYTHING riding up your ass, do it again and I will choke-slam you motherfucker!" That's what I call brotherly love. Even typing this makes a brother nauseous, so let me stop now.

My Mother Leaving this Earth: This is extremely difficult to talk about, I would even guess that this is the hardest thing I have written about this far. My mother means the world to me and I love her so much. She not only has constantly believed in me from day one, but her advice has always been spot on. A guy couldn't have asked for a better mom, and the mere fact that she knows who De La Soul and Big Daddy Kane is should make her a candidate for mother of the century by far. When I think about the days when she won't be around any more it truly scares the shit out of me. Shit, I went on a 6 month alcohol induced suicide mission over a man that said "You ain't shit" constantly and crippled my self esteem for years to come, just imagine when I lose someone who has been an absolute Ray of light in my life. I think the reason for my bad relationships, beside me being an absolute asshole, is that my mother set the bar so high concerning women that it is hard for anyone to compare, which is unfair, I know. If you are reading this mom, I love you, I promise that I will try to walk away from fights, and the therapist you recommended me too is robbing me blind!!

36 comments:

That was absolutely stunning (the things you said about your Mommy). I know Black men have an undying love for their mothers but you have put words in actions.

Is she like Cam'ron's mom...does she do the Rocafella sign as well? LOL. My basis on Black American mothers is based on Cam'ron's mom. LMAO.

I'm stupid, I'm stupid!

Well if you set the bar high, it means your Mom is a woman of caliber... and so should the woman you date/marry. Ain't a thing wrong with it... just make sure you're not a mama's boy. Har. I do the same with guys and my Daddy. Nobody can really compare, so I think that's why I'm still single.

Somebody once told me my fear from clowns stems from the inability to tell what kind of emotions they have. They have a constant ass smile, and it throws people off. Especially since movies like Attack of the Killer Clowns...you remember that shit?

There are two things in this world I can do without...clowns and monkeys.

I have two sons. I want to be the best mother without spoiling them too much. Maybe one day you can do a post, or send me an email, about all of the things your Mom did to make her your ray of sunshine.

I'd love some insight on this subject. I want to protect my boys yet prepare them for adulthood.

One of my biggest fears is raising them so carefully and then watching them become the kind of insensitive assholes that would actually tell someone, "You ain't shit". I want to do the right thing by my boys. But sometimes I don't know what the right thing is.

I'm sure that your mother is very proud of you, and I echo the sentiments of the other posters...there's nothing wrong with having high standards, I'm sure there is someone that will be perfect for you.

Personally, I'm also very afraid of snakes and reptiles of any sort. I will go stone crazy if one is near me or if someone acts like they have one.

I am leary of heights, but I stare that in the face, everytime I get on those goofy rides at the amusement parks. I'm usually the one in all of the pictures with their eyes closed and teeth clenched shut.

Most people are afraid of failure. I'm surprised and glad that you didn't put it there.

Before I even got to the part about you hating clowns I began to think about my fears ...Large insects, deep waters, Hieghts, and CLOWNS! (blame the movie "IT" for that). I would have paid good money to see you whoop Ronald's ass, that clown is so annoying.

Once again great post, especially about your mom, I feel the same way about mine and I would hate to ever think about losing her.

For years I thought that my fear of clowns was irrational as hell. But I just could never get over it.

However, since the blogosphere has launched, I've found so many others who share this fear. It makes me feel much better.

I can't stand those makeupped MFs. And there are only two things worse... clownfaced ventriloquist puppets and short people in clownface or other excessive makeup (the original Oompa Loompas terrified me to no end as a kid - but I can tolerate them now because I like Gene Wilder in that movie so much).

Okay, I feel you on the fear of losing your Mom. I have the exact same fear. I worry about it a lot now that my Grandmother has passed away. I love my Mom and don't know what I would do if I lost her. I guess everyone with a great Mom feels the same way.

I'm supporting you on beating up the clown...clowns and mascots think cause they entertain children they can slide on irritating adults...We have block parties where I work and since the area is Pigtown the mascot is a guy in a Pigsuit...one day he will not make it off the block...

The other day I was going through a box of crap we had in the garage and I found two little ceramic faced clown dolls that Michael's mom gave him. I wanted desparately to throw them away. There's just something evil about them, like somebody said you don't know what their real emotions are. I just imagined them singing silently to themselves..."we are two happy little clooooowns! and when you go beeeeeeed! "we will chew on your faaaaaace! Until you are deaaaaad!"

And what you wrote about your Mommy was wonderful. I was watching The Real World Austin last night when Danny from Boston got the news that his Mom died on Valentine's Day. Dude was straight broken. A sista got all choked up both for his loss and thinking what I would do if in the same situation. As crazy as my Mom makes me, I still love her to life.

i love your writing style...i so wish i could have seen you beat up that clown...i to am irritated by clowns...they think they are soo funny. i remember going to see the ringling bros and barnum and bailey as a kid and rolling my eyes through the clown act. i always wondered how those people can live their lives like that...its sick.

tell your brother to discontinue the bootycutter briefs...nothing worst than a man in too tight shorts...i cant even stand to watch bikers in those races.

i have the same fear with both of my parents. they dont make people like that anymore. parents in this new generation are practially in the same generation as the kids.

The way you were talking about your brother...I am crying laughing over here. Be careful. If he's anything like mine - he'll read and disown you. Something tells me you'd handle it a little differently then I did.

I feel u on the snakes, I am not scared, but dang-if I sleep in the same building as one. u hear all kinds of stories about kids being strangled or suffocated from a snake trying to warm it's temp. up.

I do not do oceans and dark water. I have feet and lungs, not fins and gills. I can swim like a pro though.

Moms are tops, and for those who not experienced "top" moms, my heart goes out 2 U. I'm sure this post put a smile on your moms face, and also shed some light on the "fearless" attitude your first started to right about, at the beginning or your post. The lost of momz, or ANYONE extremely close to you, can definitely put one, on a "fearless trail."And I definitely feel you on clowns, I get an unsettling feeling around people in the character costumes, like Barney, and Mickey Mouse, etc etc....But we part ways there, I LOVE that ride the "Spider." And I had 2 pet snakes. Well they were my boyfriends at the time, and you know us girls motto, what's yours is mine, and what's mine, is "still" mine. Lol. Thanks 4 sharing....

In a word, Wow. I strive EVERY day to be my son's "ray of sunshine" and his constant in a world of ever changing circumstances.That was great and like someone else said, I knew that the mother-son bond was "no joke" (seeing as though 99.99998% of the men I've dated ran the gamut from "loving their Mom to worshipping her on high"....I've never dated someone who had ill feelings about their Mom) and I just hope that one day my son will speak of me and feel the things that you've expressed about your mom. Absoultely beautiful.

but um....er....the nuthuggers have me STILL crying over here....LMBAO!

Hey there HC... Sorry for my late comment! I moved to a new blog and have been re-arranging the furniture so to speak.! I'll email you the 411 later.

Anyways... I'm thinkin we have more in common than I thought. We definitely share the same fears. I am deathly scared of heights, snakes, and clowns... I can relate to all of them, except loosing mom... I already lost my mom (almost 2 years ago) and well... that's a whole nother story... I don't want to blog in your comment section, so I'll leave it at that for now.

Anyways, I just wanted to say Hello and let you know I'm still an avid reader, just been a little caught up at the new pad for a minute. :~)

Your are absolutly hilarious. I wish I had half the comdedic talent you have. You ever thought about writing for a tele show? You seem to have a good grasp of the comedic side of reality. Keep up the good work brotha.

Your are absolutly hilarious. I wish I had half the comdedic talent you have. You ever thought about writing for a tele show? You seem to have a good grasp of the comedic side of reality. Keep up the good work brotha.

Wow, now this was special. What you said about your mom...that touched my heart. She seems to be your rock, your everything and one day you WILL find a woman that comes close to being like her. God won't disappoint you baby! :)

I am in tears after reading your fears about your brother in his short shorts. I swear I had a flashback of my daddy (RIP big man). I swear if my dad ever had on pants in the house, I'd be a millionaire. Thank God I never saw any of his private parts, because as his daughter I know I would have been scarred for life, but he always had on some raggedy drawers or some tight ass coach's shorts. Mind you my dad was 300+ so that was a sight for sore eyes. I can't think of any fears that I have, except of irrational ones like being hit by a car or having my throat slashed. I also get ill with the thought of my grandparents dying. I already lost my dad when I was high school and that was hell to get through. I was raised in a truly extended family and my grandparents played as much a role in my life as my parents and I know when they transition from this world a sister will be seriously shook!