Nothing will fuck up your twenties more than thinking you’re supposed to have your shit together.

My younger sister sent me a picture of that quote the other day and its true. I believe I am the only one who has no idea what they’re supposed to be doing, everyone else seems to have it altogether but is that because I’m looking at their life through Facebook, Twitter and Instagram; all social media sites but they appear perfect. Maybe that’s my problem, I look at all these pictures and posts of people my age going out having a great time, partying, spending time with friends and making memories and I’m sat here, with nothing to do, writing this blog. But as sad as it sounds, I don’t have any friends, I never really have. I’ve always been that person who was good for the in between times but never for the long run, clearly I’m doing something wrong as I am the common denominator.

Since I was little, I always longed for a best friend, a best friend that never left my side, some one who became part of my family to the point where we were practically inseparable; I haven’t found that friend. I am someone who is insanely loyal and that is my hardest struggle because I have never found anyone as loyal as me. I had a group of girl friends, they knew I wasn’t always in a great place but I never let that affect any situation and if I wasn’t feeling great I just wouldn’t go meet them so that I didn’t spoil the event. When I got put onto anti-depressants, I waited a couple weeks until I told them individually, (which was a huge thing for me) and they all responded pretty similarly which wasn’t supportive but more ‘ahh, thats good’ I didn’t want a massive fuss, I just wanted to know that if something bad were to happen then I’d have someone to turn too. Just under a year ago, they all fell out with me, as a group and told me that when I’d sorted myself out then maybe I could talk to them and be friends again. It hurt and I’d be lying if I said it still didn’t. Just as I was coming to terms with my depression, it just got thrown back in my face and I feel embarrassed about it.

My mum wants me to join a club, a band or even internet date (I don’t think I’m ready for that yet, haha), something where I can make friends and have a social life but I can’t. I am so afraid because ‘that’ best friend doesn’t exist even though I have stopped fixating on it, don’t worry and all of my friends have left me, who is to say that won’t happen again as it has happened continuously throughout my life.

On a positive; I did book my TEFL course today so hopefully next summer I can go travelling and teach English then September 2015, providing I get into uni, I will start studying again. The only thing that is sad about it is that I have no one to share it with. I could post it all over my social sites but why would I want people to pretend they care or give an interest when they haven’t spoken to me in years and if it wasn’t for my profile picture, then they would have most likely have forgotten what I looked like.

I am proud that I am beginning to follow my dreams, seeing that I can do them instead of always thinking… maybe one day. If that one day isn’t today then that day may never be and I will only live in regret. You do just have to deal with stuff and move on.