It’s Bridget and Andrew’s wedding day. Everything is perfect. Andrew beams. Baze mopes. Bridget stumbles slightly when she has to say her name – which one will she use?! She’s still pretending to be Siobhan, although the encouraging nod and smile from Andrew seems to suggest that he knows the truth. They’re surrounded by friends, basking in their happiness. Even Bodaway Macawi steps forward to kiss the bride and offer his congratulations. That’s when Bridget wakes up.

Bridget goes to an NA meeting and receives her 1-year sobriety chip. She blah blahs about her gratitude to Malcolm, and other than a passing reference to an unidentified body in Hoboken, that is the last mention Show makes of him. Fare thee well, Malcolm. You deserved better.

Baze and Siobhan are looking forward to bringing their (unseen) baby daughters home. They also need to decide on names. Baze likes Franny and Zooey. Siobhan favors Portia and Regan. Or course she does. It’s actually a nice nod to her penchant for wordplay. The names are both Shakespeare and an expression of love for money and 80’s era Republican politics. Baze drops the subject and announces that he wants to move to Chicago. Siobhan is both taken aback and underwhelmed at the idea. Baze wants to put all of the lies and schemes behind them and start fresh. Before they can do that, Siobhan has to let go. If they’re going to move on together, she has to move on from hating her sister and wanting revenge. All of this sense talking leads me to believe that Baze will be dead by the end of the hour. After mulling it over, Siobhan is on board with the move. Baze is thrilled. His sister has already found them a house on the lake, and Siobhan offers up her ill booten Martin/Charles gotty for the down payment. It’s time they start their life together.

The next day she opens the mail and discovers the paternity test results. She lies to Baze that he IS the father, and he happily accepts her word for it. I begin to wonder if he suffered a head trauma during the commercial. But, HA-HAH! The joke’s on me – and Siobhan. The letter from the hospital? It was a test. Baze already knew the results before she opened it. He could handle not being the girls’ father, “but I cannot take another lie.” So he drained her bank account, leaving her with nothing. NOW GET OUT!! “I’m sure you’ll figure something out. You always do.”

Solomon drives Bridget home, and counsels against revealing her identity to Andrew. She’s finally safe. And does she really think there’s going to be an aisle to walk down once he knows the truth? Solomon is such an intelligent, rational voice of reason. I bet he’s killed of in this episode.

Bridget walks into the penthouse to find Officer Jimmy waiting for her. Wait, is this another dream sequence? How did he get out of prison? How did he get to New York? HOW DID HE GET INTO THE PENTHOUSE?? Andrew and Bridget’s building has the worst security EVER. (Ed. Note: Second only to the Social Services Center Jack Bauer’s kid is housed in on Touch.) He’s not there to hurt her. This is business. He’s wants 50 grand, just like before. We flash back to Wyoming and the night Billy Abbott (Yay! Billy Abbott!) and Siobhan engaged Officer Jimmy’s services. She pays, or he tells Bodaway that he’s found Bridget. Which, he has, but … never mind. Bridget pays him off with the stacks of cash she and Andrew just keep lying around the apartment, because sure. Then she whips up a gourmet meal – the chocolate coating make the truth go down easier. Not that she gets that far. Juliet excuses herself to answer a 911 text from a girlfriend. Andrew tells her he’s been working on his vows. He reads a few lines from “Marriage Song” by Yehudah HaLevi. It is beautiful and moving, and I could totally get behind the #saveringer campaign if I knew that Season 2 would be 22 episodes of Ioan Gruffudd looking directly at the camera and reading love poetry. Maybe every third or fourth episode he could give Nestor or Mike Colter a go. Anyhoo, Andrew promises that for the rest of their lives he will find Bridget in every poem, see her in every work of art, and hear her in every love song. She’s made him a better man. Ioan sells this cheap dime store dialog like it is 24 carat gold. In the distance, a grifter slow claps. Bridget somehow manages not to burst into tears or melt into a puddle. She also totally chickens out. It’s a long way to fall from that pedestal. She resolves to tell him after their going away party. She wants to enjoy the fantasy for one more night. She gets five minutes. Andrew knows the truth about ‘her’ affair with Baze, courtesy of Tim Arbogast. Shelly from Twin Peaks as all like, ‘Hey, why I don’t ask the guests to leave so you can discuss this in private’. YES SHELLY FROM TWIN PEAKS, THAT IS A CAPITOL IDEA! GET OUT! ALL OF YOU, GET OUT! THE CEREMONY IS OFF BECAUSE MY WIFE IS A LYING, CHEATING WHOOOOOOOORE!! Okay, Andrew doesn’t say any of that because he’s Welsh and far too polite – even under emotional duress – but that would have been awesome, right? WHY AREN’T YOU PULLING OUT THE STOPS, SHOW? IT’S THE FINALE! HAVE SOME FUN ALREADY! At least have Juliet throw a drink on Bridget or push her into a koi pond. Something.

The guests clear out and Bridget tries to salvage what she can. I DIDN’T CHEAT ON YOU BECAUSE I’M BRIDGET NOW WHO WANTS TO GO THE TURKS AND KHAKI PANTS CAICOS AND GET VOW RENEWED? Andrew’s gruffudd gruffudds. He does not take this for the glass half full news it could be. The worst part is, he does love her, but it’s all been a lie. Bridget goes all in. She has so many regrets, but the one thing she doesn’t regret is loving him and Juliet. “For what it’s worth, I’m a better person for loving you.” Andrew is moved, but it’s too little too late. His face hardens and he tells her to leave. Then he goes to Baze’s and punches him in the mouth. HIT HIM AGAIN! HIT HIM AGAIN! “I’ve been wanting got do that since the day I met you.” Yeah you have.

Bridget goes to Shelly’s, and repeats her confession to Juliet. The girl is heartbroken. She knew it was too good to be true. She tells Bridget she’s exactly like Catherine. No, actually, she’s worse. Catherine is sick. “What’s your excuse?” Andrew decides not to let a perfectly good beach trip go to waste. He and Juliet leave for the Turks Hamptons, just them against the world. As they leave, Siobhan and her Cruella de Ville coat slip into the building. She gets into the penthouse, because sure. You’re going away on an extended trip and you’ve just thrown your fake wife out on her ear? There’s no need to lock the elevator or tell the door man to call the police if said fake wife shows her face. As Siobhan is ransacking the closet for small, easily hockable valuables, all of the security cameras go dark. Bridget walks into the building and absently waves to the puddle of blood and rapidly cooling corpse at the front desk. Bodaway Macawi is nothing if not subtle. She tells Solomon to call 911. Not knowing that Juliet and Andrew have left, she races up the eleventy million flights of stairs to the penthouse. Upstairs – fight fight struggle fight slash slashy the giant vanity WHORE portrait “you have the wrong girl!” Bodaway realizes this when Bridget appears, gun drawn. She tells him to drop his huge honking knife, and when he tries a fake out, she shoots him. SHOOT HIM AGAIN! SHOOT HIM AGAIN! No, seriously Bridget. Shoot him again because he’s not dead. He pulls her to the ground and begins choking her. Batmanuel calls out from off camera for him to freeze. It’s all the advantage Bridget needs to SHOOT MACAWI IN THE FACE LIKE A BAMF! Well. Way to tie up at least one plot point in a wholly satisfying way. The only way it could be better is if we got to see Batmanuel and the ghost of his dead stripper girlfriend dancing on Macawi’s grave. Batmanuel assures Bridget that Andrew and Juliet are safe in the Hamptons, and *Carrie Bradshaw voice* she has to wonder, who was Bodaway attacking?

After the police leave and the blood is mopped up, Solomon shows Bridget surveillance footage he uncovered in the Hamptons. Footage of Siobhan and Billy Abbott together – 3 hours after she drowned. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL SEASON, SOLOMON? YES BRIDGET, SIOBHAN’S ALIVE, AND YOU SHOULD HAVE DISCOVERED THAT SIX EPISODES AGO INSTEAD OF THE :58 MINUTE MARK. PACING. IT’S CALLED PACING, SHOW. SEE ALSO: THE VAMPIRE DIARIES. GAH!

Bridget goes to Baze’s house, somehow intuiting that he knows Siobhan is alive. He knows more than that. “She knew that someone was trying to kill her. And she wanted you to take her place … for what you did to Sean.”

That’s right, your sister wants you dead. That’s the big season, maybe series, ending reveal that we as an audience have known since the pilot. Are we all feeling a little unsatisfied? I’m feeling a little unsatisfied. Thank the maker that Revenge is back from hiatus. Victoria Grayson’s hatred is all I need to keep me warm.