a stream of consciousness

Syd and Sash, a Chronology

October 27, 2015

Introducing Sydney Celeste at 5lb 4oz and Sasha Adele at 6lb 2oz. Born on a full moon and absolutely perfect.

November 2, 2015

My baby burritos. Now I finally understand there is no other love in the world like the love for your children. 💖

November 14, 2015

This just might be the most spectacular birthday ever. I could not have asked for a more perfect gift than these two beautiful, healthy and precious children. Every day, I am in awe of the magical power of the creation of life. I always knew that I had a lot of love to give, but I had no idea just how much I could love these little bambini.

November 22, 2015

Sunday fun day. Raising the next generation of acro yogis.

December 25, 2015

Merry Christmas! Wishing you and all the world peace and joy this holiday season. We asked Santa if he would sprinkle magic dust on everyone everywhere to be more kind, tolerant and compassionate to one another and hug a little more and love a lot more.

11 Weeks – January 11, 2016

One of the most precious moments of my day is the opportunity to be with one of my children when they need comforting. They know no stress, sadness, pain or anything horrible. They are pure love, innocence and joy. That moment and place we all wish to get back to. Over and over again. What a privilege and an honor it is to become a mother. What if all we did was hug each other all day? We would certainly feel more peaceful and calm. Go hug someone will ya?

Valentine’s Day – February 14, 2016

16 Weeks – February 17, 2016

We are all yearning for someone who loves the totality of us. ~ Kamini Desai

Newborns are a manifest aspect of source, but are born in polarity. They don’t have judgment about what is good or bad. Flowers and dog poop are the same to them. Because they are in this polarity, they are in harmony with all that is. They trust that whether they are screaming, crying or laughing, they will be loved anyway. But at some point, with our development, approval and disapproval, reward and punishment, separation from the whole is created. These things generate a split in us. We lose our stability and groundedness in ourselves. We go from feeling secure to insecure and living from a place of fear instead of from the deep knowing that life is to be tasted and experienced in all of its flavors. We begin trying to control everything and we forget that our happiness lies within us. If we could all just get back to love.. To the heart.. To the knowing that we are good enough… Then maybe we will heal that split that separates us from each other. Maybe then we will remember what it is like to be happy little babies like these two. Life Lessons from the babes.

4 Months – February 27, 2016

These kids think they are pretty cool sitting up in a chair. Hitting milestones at 4 months.

Baby Naming – March 12, 2016

Today my babes were officially given their Hebrew names. Syd was named Rivka in memory and honor of my dad. Rivka was a nurturing, feisty and passionate woman. And Sasha was named Ahava, which means love. No further explanation needed if you have spent any time with my kids. It was a beautiful Shabbat service at Brith Shalom welcoming my children into the Jewish faith.

5 Months – March 27, 2016

6 Months – April 27, 2016

Tiny hands gently palm my face, exploring with genuine curiosity at what I can only imagine is love.
Their lustrous eyes discover mine and their mouths fall open to adorable smiles.
Indiscriminate tones incite them to giggle, pleasing the senses in the most heavenly way.
As they discover new tastes, a delayed reaction produces sounds from their lips with exuberant glee.
My heart swells with enough propulsion to explode out of my chest, leaving me susceptible to the deepest kind of vulnerability.
I feel an uncontrollable desire to drop to my knees and thank whomever is in charge for giving me the honor of guarding their souls.
After 6 months, it is all things. Equal parts an indescribable kind of love, exhaustion, elation, loss of distinction between self and children and the most awesome responsibility imaginable. Happy 6 months.

Mother’s Day – May 8, 2016

For the last 16 years, Mother’s Day has always been a day of reflection for me. A day of remembrance that always carried the sting of sorrow, for it was the day we buried my father. But now, the day has been renewed as I revel in the wonders of motherhood and in celebration of my little babes. Fascinating how the sweetness of new life can be measured against the bitterness of death and how the light and dark are always in a dance with each other. I introduced the girls to their grandfather today and I believe he would have fallen madly in love with being a grandpa. If only.

7 Months – May 27, 2016

7 months brings the first set of baby teeth, the sweet sounds of Syd’s first word “mama”, the babes both exploring the world from an entirely new perspective once they learned how to sit up, an appetite for all the new foods I give them to taste, all the babble and coy looks, hugs galore and the smiles and giggles at the discovery of each other. It is a brilliant occurrence to witness the milestones and also all the little things.

8 Months – June 27, 2016

It was inevitable that at some point someone would dress my twins in Twinkie outfits. So here they are, my 8 month old babes and my first born fur baby all together for one photo. There is no better sound than the laughter of babies entertaining each other. And there is no greater happiness than watching the wonder in their eyes as they discover the world around them.

9 Months – July 27, 2016

9 months. No longer pint-sized and immobile tots, but full of life and motivation at the experimentation of movement and exploration of the world around them. Abundant with expression in the forms of babble, grunts and squeals, laughter and tears for what they can’t yet put into words. Pain for the never ending process of teething. Excitement for learning how to clap and the revelation of everything tactile when chubby fingers grasp the edges of the table and bright eyes peak over the top. A tiny birthmark literally in the shape of a heart taking up residence on the left chest of my sweet Sydney reminding me of the innocence, vulnerability, complete dependence and pure love that she represents. The fast pace with which Sasha is progressing from a hybrid crawl to pulling up and standing. Babies beginning to emote consciousness about the back and forth usurping of a commonly shared learning toy and what happens when things disappear. The flavors of novel foods tasted and the eagerness to get in that bite even if it means the whole hand has to go with it. The beautiful way they smile at each other first thing in the morning and the ease of baby laughter at the simplest of games like peekaboo and ah-oh. The curiosity and attentiveness to everything mommy does from eating breakfast to yoga on my mat. Sponges soaking everything in and absorbing all of the newness. The way they look at me with inquisitiveness in their eyes and love in their hearts showing me every day what an honor it is to be their mom.

10 Months – August 27, 2016

I have been trying for 2 days to capture these girls together for their 10 month photo, but they have foiled my plans at every turn. So this is what I got and it is evidence that everything is not sunshine all the time. This job.. Mama of twins is no joke. These adorable pint sized tots are mostly happy (except when sitting in grass) and I feel fortunate that they have graced me with ease through all of the growing transitions in their lives. However, there are plenty of days when I find it all too much for me to handle by myself and I fall into bed after they go to sleep and all I want to do is cry. But then I wake up to a new day and their smiling faces look up at me in their cribs and my heart just melts at the beauty of all of it.

11 Months – September 27, 2016

11 months and I am in awe every day of these babes development. Sasha is cruising, yet she only has 2 teeth. She is actively listening and understands when I speak to her. She is learning how to wave and blow besos and likes to watch me turn upside down. Sasha also cries like someone left her behind, but one smile from her and all is forgotten. My sweet and funny little Sydney is not so tiny anymore. She has the belly of a Buddha and a future career as a musician. Sydney has a whopping 8 teeth, yet is just figuring out how to get around and pull herself up. She can make music with just her hand to her mouth and especially loves when I sing to her. She also has a talent for blowing little bubbles with her lips. She hugs me and snuggles into me and I melt as though we are an inseparable unified whole. The girls make each other laugh and interact on a whole new level, talking to each other in their own little babble language. They rock my world in every way and the love just keeps on magnifying.

12 Months – October 27, 2016

A Letter of Love to My Babes on their First Birthday.

I now realize that I have been walking around my whole life, while my heart carried two little pockets sewn onto it. And when you were born, the essence of both of you floated effortlessly into those pockets and filled up my heart, such that every time I hold you and you smile at me or put your arms around me and nestle your head into my chest, I literally feel tiny explosions of joy from the inside out.

In your sweet innocence and wonder in everything you experience, I find you come as close to perfection as I could possibly imagine in any human. You see the world with confined acquaintance and limited understanding of its complexity and yet, maybe it is through your eyes that the world is in impeccable harmony with all that is.

One of my favorite moments of the day is coming to wake you in the morning. I pick you up and instantly, with your sleepy eyes, you smile and search for your sister. “Buenos dias mi hermana!” I say, and you both begin to giggle and babble and I am in bliss.

Sometimes in the middle of the night, you wake up with night terrors. Most of the time I let you soothe yourself back to sleep, but sometimes I just want to be the one who comforts you back to that deep, twitching slumber. To feel you breathing with your whole body as you lean into me and to know that all you needed was your mama.

It is an epic responsibility to be charged with your safety and care on a daily basis. To know that everything I do, whether right or misguided will impact you in some way. There is strength in my desire to protect you, but not too much. To teach you how to be kind, considerate, independent, conscious and loving people who regard all life with dignity and respect. I want to impart all the ways that there is so much more to life than staring at technology all day or test scores or even what everyone else has that you don’t. I want to show you how important it is to listen to your sister and everyone else and how valuable face to face communication still is. I want to teach you that you will always have more than you need and the value in giving to anyone who is in need.

I want to present you with a wide eyed view of the world and tell you that your life can be a manifestation of whatever you are big enough to dream. I want to see you running through the grass at Elm Flats chasing butterflies and looking up at the sky wondering what else is out there. I want to turn over rocks in remote corners of the world with you and watch as your eyes grow wide with fascination, wanting to taste and feel everything. I want to see how you learn to discern from what is valuable and needed and what is not.

But for right now, I am happy to bear witness to all of the tiny moments, such as which teeth will come in next, what your next word will be, when will be the day you walk across the room grinning so big, your smile wraps around your head. When you will figure out the star goes in the star hole. When you will give each other your first hug. You already know how to give eskimo kisses and now I am just waiting for a really big slobbery kiss on the cheek.

You have so much love around you. Your tia and your grandma adore you and that abundance of love has brought all of us closer together as a family. You are the place where our attention is turned to, where our focus is on what is best for you.

On this, your very first birthday, I wish you all happiness and love and magical discoveries. You are so loved. Happy birthday #SydandSash.

~ Your adoring mama

13 Months – November 27, 2016

When everything is topsy turvy and hectic, all I have to do is take one moment to breathe in my children, see them smile and I feel the greatest relief. They bring me back to everything that matters. They have every bit of my heart. So in love.

Thank you to the ever patient, beautiful and gracious Marla Carter of Marla and Shane Photographers for capturing my babes at 1 year.

14 Months – December 27, 2016

Babe numero uno: A little lover with a sly sense of humor. Needs her mama, but is also independent and strong willed. She loves sweetly and flirts shamelessly, all the while trying to catch up to her little sister. Musically inclined, she can blow on a flute, bang on a xylophone or make music with her mouth. This is Sydney.

Babe numero dos: Loves the camera, completely intentional and present to her surroundings, soft, gooey and sweet. Soaking up everything now that she has her two feet grounded beneath her. Happiest little huggy bear. This is Sasha.

15 Months – January 27, 2017

First off, toddlers never sit still. Trying to take a photo of the twins simultaneously is like trying to wrangle donkeys. Second, they are the cutest thing ever and they are also little terrorists. They both love on me so affectionately, but also need my attention at the same time. They are developing their independence and learning how to walk up the stairs rather than crawl. They want to do everything together, including splashing around in the bath, taking naps and stealing what the other one has. The challenges presented at this age are that I can’t move an inch without a toddler around my leg or in my arms. The bliss is that they are magnificent little bundles of love and joy, both of which I am so elated to experience.

16 Months – February 27, 2017

Extraordinary love abounds and with it, piercing susceptibility to the fluttering dance between being over protective and fostering independence. Adorable and clever personalities with one child learning to balance a ball on her feet and the other pitching tantrums for no sensible reason. The ability to understand and respond awakening in them, whereby creating new forms of communication between mama and babies without the use of words. Tender sweetness felt when Sasha puts her hands on the different parts of my face with a grand smile at her accomplishment of call and response. The bonds forming with Sydney when she looks deeply into my eyes while I caress the hair away from her delicious little face. Sometimes, she will sit and gently rub my legs telling me mama, please give me a massage. New words spoken: bubbles, nigh nigh, ball, water, goodbye baby, hi to almost every stranger and the dancing has begun. Sasha loves acro and gymnastics and Syd loves anything musical and related to a ball. Teaching them how to be gentle and how to love, although from the looks of it, they came born that way. They lean into each other and hum while they hug and snuggle and are certainly influenced by each other’s behaviors. I am somewhat concerned that I will fail miserably with discipline, but I am allowing for the possibility that I am doing the best I can to raise happy and kind little people.

17 Months – March 27, 2017

My little bubelas delight with playful giggles and joyful glee. Growing quicker than I could have imagined and displaying the ability to repeat words and create their own little universe of toddler babble. They delight at running around the park and discovering things as simple as flowers. They give wide smiles when they accomplish a new activity at the Little Gym. There is shared pleasure in the willful participation of brushing their teeth with mama in the mornings. And there is familiarity and eagerness to engage in their bedtime ritual of rolling around on top of all the stuffed animals in the nursery and removing all the pajamas out of the bottom drawer over and over again until I am able to distract them with back rubs and promises of night night. When they were babies, they were in harmony with all that is. There was no split or divide that separated them from me, each other or anything else. I have wondered often how old they would be before they realized they are not physically one body and it seems that moment has finally arrived with their blooming understanding of their individuality and their unique wants and needs. The less pleasurable aspects of their development have come in the form of tantrums and not sharing, which leads to hair pulling, pushing and pulling. Those moments are not constant. There are also extraordinary moments of sweetness and tenderness between them, along with sharing too. And there are clear and unmistakable moments of knowing that exists between the two of them whenever one is distraught about something. The things that get easier are often accompanied by something new that makes child rearing more difficult. A balance in all its forms. But above all else, there is immense love.

18 Months – April 27, 2017

We have officially entered into toddler mania y’all. I don’t know what personality is going to show up on any given day or moment. Equal parts sweet, lovable, huggable, kissable babies mixed with hellacious, tantrum throwing, snot dripping, crazed lunatics. I’ve decided handling toddlers is like playing a game of chess, except for I have no idea how to play that game, so I am making it up as I go along. For example, if I turn on the cartoons before I put cereal in the bowl, I’m less likely to have said bowl thrown across the room than if there are no distractions. The nuance is like a trigger wire between cool kid and kid who has gone off her rocker. Words are beginning to develop faster and thus the countdown has begun to Operation Clean Potty Mouth or else my kids will be running around the playground saying fuck, fuck, fuck. All I know is this though… no matter what kind of day I have had, I can still come home to their ridiculously magnificent little snuggles and they bring me back to what is most important. And that is love.

19 Months – May 27, 2017

Chasing mama all over the house. Not even the toilet has privacy. Grunting, whining, crying, laughing and mimicking. Running, stomping, twirling and dancing. Pointing and saying “kah” to everything, which I have surmised is actually “que” for what is? Understanding both English and Spanish, it is unclear which one they will choose to speak. More aggressive behavior is showing up at the frustration of not being able to communicate their needs. But heavenly moments still exist when chubby hands wrap around my neck for a delicious hug or one says mommy like she is about to ask me a most important question. Little lovers and fighters. The paradox of everything.

20 Months – June 27, 2017

There is finally a break in the crazy. Both girls have returned to their normal happy little personalities. My favorite moments right now are when Sydney stomps her feet as soon as she hears the Count on Sesame Street start singing the counting song and when both girls clap with Elmo as he sings the letter of the day. I can see how they are learning even at this age and I am amazed. I also love that Sasha will let me read an entire book to her without needing to turn all the pages. My least favorite moments however, are the increasing resistance to all the foods they used to eat and when one child wants to take a bite out of the other. I am putting the padding on for the next round, whenever that storm may come. But until then I will love them and teach them the best I can.

21 Months – July 27, 2017

These kids are exhibiting an explosion of new vocabulary. Learning the distinction between how to be gentle with each other rather than too rough. I am fascinated to watch them share with each other when I request that one hand over the water to the other one. Sometimes they engage with such sweetness, I can’t help but feel pride and sometimes they outright refuse and well I have learned to just be patient. This month, we all experienced our first really difficult sleep regression that almost sent mama over the edge, but like all things, change comes and the house is back to its crazy version of normal. My kids are happy and loved beyond measure. They know how to HUG and scratch each other’s backs and I have now heard my first “I WUV You” and all of those things tell me I am doing my job well. This connection to my children is like nothing I have ever felt. I would go to the ends of the earth for them.