Trump approves contentious pipe pipeline

WASHINGTON—Yesterday, President Donald Trump signed an executive order to build a massive pipeline through the western portion of the United States. The pipeline, set to be called the Piperloop, will extend from southern Washington to eastern Montana and deliver pipes to every pipe smoker in the western half of the country.

According to Census estimates, one half of all US citizens west of the Mississippi River smoke pipes. After the Great Recession, the cost of shipping from East Coast manufacturers dramatically increased. White House documents state that building the pipeline will create millions of permanent jobs. Estimates on the cost, the exact numbers of jobs added and the effect of the pipe on the environment were not disclosed.

The pipeline is dividing Congressmen along party lines with Republicans unanimously supporting it and Democrats wholly against it.

Right-leaning Montana Representative Ryan Zinke said in a statement, “The great State of Montana welcomes the Piperloop because it helps all residents, not just the ones who smoke with pipes. Our most famous residents, actress Michelle Williams and that one rancher with the most land, agree with me wholeheartedly.”

Neither Williams nor the rancher could be reached for comment.

Zinke went on to note that the new pipeline fulfills Trump’s campaign promise to fight for the forgotten American. At every single one of Trump’s speeches, chants of “Build the pipe” broke out. It quickly became a unifying rallying cry for his supporters.

However, various national media outlets will not pipe down about the proposed plan. David Fahrenthold of the Washington Post reported that the pipeline will cost over one billion dollars and the plan has not been reviewed by any federal agency. The Observer’s Celia Wan is claiming Case Western Reserve University President Barbara R. Snyder contributed $500,000 to help construct the pipe. Coincidentally, tuition is expected to increase eight percent next year and 15 percent the following year. Additionally, the Clark Hall renovation timeline has been extended another three years.

In addition to the economic cost of the pipeline, there are also dramatic environmental costs. Environmental groups including Greenpeace, the Earth Liberation Front and the CWRU Student Sustainability Council are gravely concerned about potential pipeline leakage. Trump promises there will be no leaks unless former President Barack Obama organizes them.

Following up on another one of Trump’s lies, Alexander Burns of the New York Times reveals that millions of undocumented immigrants, or as Trump calls them “bad hombres,” will be used to build the pipeline. Astute readers may remember that the president received criticism when it was revealed in August that Trump Tower was built by illegal immigrants. Burns also said the company responsible for building and maintaining the pipeline is headed by Vladimir V. Nitup, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson’s best friend.

Trump responded to all of these criticisms, as he normally does, on Twitter. He tweeted hours ago, “FAKE NEWS (failing @nytimes @washingtonpost @cwruobserver) LIES about pipeline. They should apologize for making up stories. Sad!”

Though it looks like the pipe is all but certain to be built, various anti-Trump groups are organizing members to act against it. A march planned through Facebook to protest the pipe’s construction, the People In Protest Event (PIPE), already has over one million people interested, though only 30,000 are actually planning on attending as of press time.