Senate Relief Bill Excludes People Who Did Not Vote

Washington, D.C. — Buried deep in the latest version of the Coronavirus relief bill passed by the United States Senate, is an amendment limiting relief payments for those Americans who chose not to vote in at least the past two elections.

Senate Bill 3548 passed after deep partisan division, and late in the debate process, two key provisions were struck from the bill. The first was disallowing the Trump family from benefiting from any relief payouts and disallowing “unpatriotic Americans who refused to vote in at least two prior national elections” from receiving a $1200.00 relief payment.

Under the plan as it was being negotiated, single Americans would receive $1,200, married couples would get $2,400, and parents would see $500 for each child under age 17 unless they’ve avoided voting. When pressed on such the controversial amendment, no member of the Senate acknowledged sponsoring the provision that in the words of one anonymous staffer, “assholes who complain but never vote.”

According to the same staffer, the amendment was especially aimed at “douchebag libertarians who rail against the central state” who were “licking their chops at taxpayer money.”

“They think all these Senators and Congressmembers are just a bunch of enemies anyway,” said the anonymous Senate staff member. “They claim they don’t have to vote, and that the central planners can’t run anything. So they just figured they didn’t need the money.”

“Voting just endorses the unjust,” said North San Juan, CA Anarcho-Capitalist David ‘X’. “If you vote for the lesser of two evils, all you get is more evil. Voting breeds apathy, and apathy is our worse enemy. Plus, these statists don’t represent me or my interests, so why reward them at all?”

When asked if he will take the $1200 of relief money if offered, David ‘X’ grinned.

“Well, my mother says I should take it, but I’m not so sure. I probably will and spend it all on guns and bitcoin before the statists shut them down too. It’s like Hayek and Mises warned us…[Editor’s note: Mr. ‘X’ continued on a 45-minute libertarian rant, mostly comparing classical liberals, whom he considers himself to be, to modern ‘communist’ progressive liberals. We spared you the lecture.]”

In an ironic turn of events, the congressional phone lines have been flooded with so-called anti-voters demanding their relief checks. It’s unclear if the messages are being relayed to lawmakers.

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