Friday, September 5th, 2008...12:31 pm

#120: Neutralize Your Crazy Old Sperm

Yes, John McCain, I’m talking to you. Lest you and Cindy decide that a fifth child would provide, ala Palin, a political advantage, I direct your attention to this new study that shows that children of fathers over 55 are more likely to develop bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses. Maternal age, I hasten to point out to all you guys out there who try to blame women for everything, was not a factor.

Finally, a solid reason — beyond, you know, imminent decay and death — for older guys to put some limits on how long they go around spraying out babies. Why anyone would want to make it through the enormous job of raising a family only to go out and raise another one is totally beyond me, unless you’re the kind of guy who wasn’t much involved in raising the first batch of kids and won’t do much about raising the second or third batches either.

Of course, you might believe that your sperm, mutant as it is, still deserves to flourish wherever it finds purchase. If so, I’d appreciate it if you’d go around singing this Monty Python song, if only to give women warning.

So far it seems as though maternal age influences more though. Something about how women have aging eggs whereas men only have aging sperm production equipment rather than actual aged sperm. In younger men, bad sperm actually tend to self-destruct. Not so in older men.

I have to totally disagree with this one. My father had me when he was 58. I’ve always felt that I had a huge advantage as a child growing up with an older father. The main advantage is that I think didn’t feel pressured as a parent – it wasn’t his first time – and with his age came wisdom and a kind of self-confidence in his place in the world that was passed on to me. I imagine that a lot of the “old-folk” your preaching to would tout their overall life-experience as a boon, despite whatever shortcomings they may face with today’s youth-culture. So, if we’re to believe that our elders have, indeed, more to give in this regard, shouldn’t it be the case that they are exactly the sort of people who would make good parents?

I grew up listening to Benny Goodman, Frank Sinatra, and all the big-band hits. I had a 1st person account of WWII and other events from him that most of my friend’s parents couldn’t even imagine. I was tought how to appreciate your time, how to take care of things, and all that it means to really know when you’ve got things good,
I know in a lot of ways my experience was exceptional: my father was healthy and active for almost all of my life, running his own business until he was 77. Your point about less time as a parent is a good one. My father died when I was nineteen. I’m sorry that I haven’t had him around to see me become a young man; it’s sad for me sometimes that I can’t ask him for advice. But I’ve never felt my position a tragic one, because I am confident that I received so many advantages by him, growing up, that I was given all the tools I could ask for.

Thomas, what a beautiful tribute to your father. Thanks for sharing it with us.

The New York Times Bestseller

BUY“How Not To Act Old, The Book”

Want hundreds more ways not to act old? Craving instruction on everything from how to grind to ways to die cool? Order the New York Times Bestseller book version of "How Not To Act Old," before you, you know,.....what was I going to say?

LOVEfor “How Not To Act Old, The Book”

"Ms. Satran's take on the latest generation gap is as insightful as it is entertaininga comic blend of advice and anthropology that skewers both young and old."-- Christina Binkley, The Wall Street Journal

"The great genius of How Not to Act Old is that it simultaneously taps into our anxieties and deflates them." --- Hanna Rosin, doublex.com

"You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll tell all your friends to run out and buy it. This is the funniest book I've read all year."-- Best Selling Books

"A must-read for anyone who wants to communicate with today's youth -- or just seem youthful! I actually don't know where I'd be without this book. I can't thank Pam enough for making me give up wearing sunglasses over my bifocals...and for making me laugh out loud."-- Meg Cabot, author of "The Princess Diaries" and "Size 12 Is Not Fat"

"A welcome jolt of fresh wit: wryly, smartly, and crisply devoted to the subject that dare not speak its name among those of us who fully expected, against all odds, to never become unhip. With How Not To Act Old, we'll get our wish." -- Sheila Weller, author of the New York Times bestseller "Girls Like Us"

"Shimmers with a multitude of wise and hilarious insights on the pitfalls of acting your age. Don't just read it, memorize it. And buy it for everyone you love. It's original and brilliant! " -- Dorothea Benton Frank, New York Times bestselling author