Saturday, September 24, 2011

I've had to cancel my retreat at Benediktushof. I apologize to everyone who signed up and to the staff at Benediktushof. But right now I'm in no condition to fly. With any luck, I'll be able to make the rest of my European dates.

Here comes the over-sharing part. Please do not read the following if you get grossed out easily. I'm sharing this mainly so that I do not have to keep telling the story over and over and over to the many people who are asking about it. If you're not curious, I suggest you not even read. This isn't pleasant.

Some people were guessing I had a colonoscopy Friday. You were close, but wrong. You missed by about six or seven inches. I don't want to brag, you see.

I had a little camera inserted into my weenie to have a look around up there. It's supposed to be a routine procedure with few complications other than discomfort. I was one of the lucky few for whom the procedure had some unexpected side-effects. No one yet seems to know why, but the procedure led to an inability to urinate.

Thus, screaming like a baby in agony, I had to be driven to the emergency room at about midnight by a long-suffering and very good friend. They placed a catheter in my thingy (hey all you people in San Francisco who don't like me not saying "cock" or "penis" -- Go suck my dick! But not yet. Wait about a week.) It's still there now and I will have to endure this for the next two days.

I can't say the catheter is painful. But it is extraordinarily uncomfortable in a way I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. It's just wrong to have a rubber tube up there. Consequently, although the folks at the ER said I could live a more-or-less normal life with this thing in, I have so far not really done so. If I sit very very still, I can let the thing sort of rest and then kind of forget about it. When I move around, it moves around too. It has subtle ways of reminding you that it's still there. Little pinches that I react to as if a crazed bald eagle were champing on the end of my wang -- although in truth the pain really isn't that bad.

I've always said that we should be aware that our independence is largely an illusion. We are not really independent at all. Nothing will remind you of this more clearly than having a medical procedure. I have been reduced to pure dependency. Though when you really look at it, your life is pretty much pure dependency no matter how healthy you are.

Friday was my first experience with anesthesia. It wasn't my first visit to an emergency room. I've taken other people to ERs before and I've been to the ER when I had kidney stones. But last night was my first visit to the Akron, Ohio General Hospital ER. Emergency rooms in Japan are quite different.

As for the anesthesia, that was the easy bit. I went out like a light at the first hint of drugs introduced to mys system. All I really remember was getting light headed then waking up. I initially thought the procedure went really well.

I didn't feel most of the pain they'd warned me I'd feel after the procedure. I was told I'd have a sore throat from the intubation. I barely felt anything. I was told I'd have pain urinating. But the first two times I went it wasn't that bad. It was a little sore. But I've had kidney stones, baby. That kind of sore is nothing!

But the third time I tried to go, nothing came out. I tried and tried for about two hours. You know how it feels when you hold your pee like in a long car ride or something? Imagine that times about 10,000. When at last I finally accepted that I was gonna need to be catheterized I was hurting bad (I'd called the ER & they told me about that possibility, I did not want another thing shoved up my weenie so I resisted).

The long-suffering and saintly Erin drove me to Akron General's emergency room. I was not in a good mood when I arrived. I guess they deal with a lot of distressed people in the ER. So the first person I spoke to had all of her professional defenses up. It was interesting to note. She was prepared for me to go off on her, as I'm sure others have in the past. But I didn't. I tried as best I could to articulate my problem.

Pretty soon I was in a room, waiting to be seen. Luckily the ER was not too crowded. But it still took them forever to get to me. I suppose having to pee really bad is not considered one of the more urgent concerns. Unless you're the one who has to pee real bad.

Finally a doctor came in an accessed my situation and the decision was made to insert a Foley catheter. Much as I dreaded that, I knew it would relieve my pain so I was all for it.

I shook like a maniac as the insertion was done. I'm not really sure if I started shaking before or during the insertion. But by the time they were finished it was like I had the most uncontrollable shivers you can possibly imagine. They said that was a common reaction and that it would subside. It did. But nearly two days later I still ache.

I nearly died on Friday night. Seriously. Without the ER I would have been dead, and it would have been a very bad death. But I'm not dead. So that's good. It's interesting how many things we consider to be fairly minor ailments these days are actually deadly. A wild animal in my predicament would have died. A person living in more primitive conditions would have too -- although such a person wouldn't have had the procedure that led to my ER visit in the first place. Still, a blocked bladder is actually pretty serious stuff.

The fact I could have died makes me very aware that I am extremely dependent upon others. I'm a guy who prides himself on independence, so this is something I often attempt to deny. But there ya go.

I've been reading a book lately called God Is Not One: The Eight Rival Religions That Run the World. The book takes the standpoint that the stuff we've been hearing for years about all religions being basically the same thing is bollocks. They aren't really the same at all. A Christian who tries to be nice by saying that Jews, Muslims, Hindus and Buddhists are also saved is missing the point. Those other religions don't consider it important to be saved.

Anyway, according to the author the goal of Islam is to free us from pride and arrogance and the feeling that we are independent of God. The ordeal I went through the other night has gone a long way to accomplishing that for me. It's hard to be proud when you're walking around carrying your day's accumulated urine in a big plastic bag connected to a garden hose shoved up your dick.

I'll just end there since I've gone on a very long time. I hope your weekend was better than mine!

Hope you are feeling better, Mr. W., as your humor and American punk sensibilities would be missed. Hope the initial problem turns out to be nothing after all, although it might actually peeve you some at this point if that turned out to be the case.

I've had medical issues my whole life, beginning with a pretty serious heart defect that required open surgery before I was a year old. Much of my childhood up to the age of around 6 or 7 was spent in the hospital. So I've always been dependent on doctors. Less so now, in adulthood. Still, I gotta pay a visit to my heart doctors once a year and have tests to make sure things are running ok. And I may still require a little "maintenance" every now and then (such as a cardiac ablation I had to have 6 years ago).

It's always the "little" things in medicine that seem to come round & bite us in the ass. I hope you recover quickly, and (being a quiet but steadfast fan of your writing) I am very grateful that you are still around to tell it like it is.

Having a tube up your 'thingy' is wrong but not being able to pee is way wrongerDiscomfort trumps non functioning every time

Strange, but just last week old co-worker of mine had an ultra sound done for stones in his bladder and then some kind of sound wave shock and awe to break up the stones (yes, he was sedated and he also found himself unable to pee He took himself back to MD where they catheterized him and they told him he had just saved himself from hours of pain in an ER...So he's awaiting further treatment.

It is only when things start to not function so seamlessly, so smoothly that there is appreciation for simple things taken for granted....

Brad, been reading you for about a year now.... best chapter title: "...in which I dedicate the rest of my life to being an asshole"

i think you may dig my band, we're called Stop Motion. www.reverbnation.com/stopmotionofficial

if we ever have the resources, i'm going to combine calculus, buddhism and music into their rightful singularity. we will drop to the floor instantly, all together. the lights cut off at the same time. after a moment we jerk back up and act like nothing happened. trying to illustrate the fact that time is discrete...not continuous

I've been through the same procedure, but out of completely different medical reasons. But after about two weeks I really got used to the tube'n bag so much that I really was annoyed when I had to take care of peeing myself again.Though every dog seems to be a master in urinating it takes more effort and planning ahead than you may think.I hope that you will not make this experience too, becaus probably you get off the tube very soon.Hope you get well soon!

Unfortunately, three years ago I also suffered from a bloked bladder and had to carry the same pouch around for a while. Then, to make it more conmfortable (!) they just punched my belly and introduced the catheter there directly. Some advantage (but I could sit confortably...).

As a practitioner, some kind of heroism is necessary. That is to say, it’s not trying to proclaim yourself as better than somebody else. At the same time, it seems to be good to have some kind of heroism within yourself. It’s not so much based on the example of each president in the United States, who says, “I’m making history, and this is fantastic. I won the elections,” or whatever. But some kind of heroism is needed, that you are doing what you are doing. It seems to be very simple. It’s heroism toward yourself.

If only this were true.. I guess it might be true in some respects. But the body is not made to last forever. It will keep breaking down more and more often until it stops. Then things could be better, or worse. But it all depends on how you look at it.

Very interesting piece, I'm wondering how you feel about stories of Zen masters who endured what would normally be insane levels of pain through the discipline of zazen? No doubt some of the stories are fancifull, but we have on video the monk who set himself on fire and didn't flinch until he was dead.

Do you think you could do that after so many years of sitting or is something missing? Or is that really not the point of zazen, just a type of parlor trick that's cool to know can be done but isn't the primary purpose of meditation?

As a practitioner, some kind of heroism is necessary. That is to say, it’s not trying to proclaim yourself as better than somebody else. At the same time, it seems to be good to have some kind of heroism within yourself. It’s not so much based on the example of each president in the United States, who says, “I’m making history, and this is fantastic. I won the elections,” or whatever. But some kind of heroism is needed, that you are doing what you are doing. It seems to be very simple. It’s heroism toward yourself.

I'm glad you're recovering. I think about my dependence, especially around my birthday, because I was born with my umbilical cord around my neck. If someone hadn't helped me I wouldn't have made it to day two.

"Realizing Genjo Koan" is great! I just started it a few weeks ago. I picked up my copy at the SFZC bookstore while on tour with the Charles Sharp Quartet.

"To study the buddha way is to study the self. To study the self is to forget the self. To forget the self is to be actualized by myriad things. When actualized by myriad things, your body and mind as well as the bodies and minds of others drop away. No trace of realization remains, and this no-trace continues endlessly."

Brad, you've expressed your great dislike towards Thich Naht hahn more than enough times in your books, yet you have continued to do it subliminally. Can you please spill the beans once and for all and admit in front of everyone that you despise this Sri Lankian cocksucker and give us reasons why?

Ah man... that's really terrible, glad ur okay. It's odd that you were so overly concerned about the procedure in the first place. Maybe ur subconscious mind saw something in that doctor that 'you' missed?

Hey dude. A little warning. The first couple o' times you micturate post-catheter, it will hurt like, well, you just had a tube removed from your johnson. I had one, and the first leak I took post-catheter it felt as if I had razor blades coming down the chute. But it hurt even more to try to hold it. You just gotta let it come out. A little advice. - The Joonya

I had the same thing done but they only gave me a local. nurse with pecker in one hand and eyedroper in the other. hurt so bad to piss afterwards it took hours to let it flow. I think the camera wa a 35mm panovision

No, I don't have a weenie (harhar) but the same thing (not being able to pee post-procedure) happened to me and it was awful...I seriously know how bad it hurts when your bladder is holding a liter-plus. Or was it two liters they took out of me with the first catheterization? (sp?) I forget but they were shocked. They didn't tell me I could die from it, though....yours must be much worse. Glad you didn't die.

I sure hope you get better soon! Oh and thanks for sharing lolol (it's not funny but you wrote it funny ya know :)

"Korey said...Brad, you've expressed your great dislike towards Thich Naht hahn more than enough times in your books, yet you have continued to do it subliminally. Can you please spill the beans once and for all and admit in front of everyone that you despise this Sri Lankian cocksucker and give us reasons why?4:12 PM"

Thich Nhat Hanh is NOT a Sri Lankan cocksucker.He is Vietnamese.And he lives in France.Even if you meant that he sucks Sri Lankan cock(s) I doubt that there is any credible evidence to support that claim either.Do you have any other slanderous allegations and/or insults that you would like to share with the group?

Cool, another Harry... as if to prove the point that Dogen turns people into schitzoids.

'Two heads are better than one', and all that. Brad, I hope yer 'wee head' is feeling better. Never had any major plumbing problems, but reports of cocktastrophies such as yours evoke very real tugs in the gut of Genjo-Koan.

Sorry for your pain, Brad. Glad you're reading about other religions. No, they all are not the same, but some do lead to similar 'places'. I've found the christian book "Cloud of Unknowing" to be very helpful with my zen practice at times....and I'm what most would call an atheist. The writings of Ramana Maharshi were also invaluable.

I've been doing zazen for about 3 years daily (even more than 3 years but it wasn't always on a consistent, daily basis) and i've been to this one sangha about half a dozen times to this Sunday public service they offer. They're always using words like "love", "compassion", "enightlenment", "cultivate a heart of enlightenment", and talking about giving donations generously to the temple to help "cultivate generosity".

Treading along in this dreamlike, illusory realm,Without looking for the traces I may have left;A cuckoo's song beckons me to return home;Hearing this, I tilt my head to seeWho has told me to turn back;But do not ask me where I am going,As I travel in this limitless world,Where every step I take is my home.

" Korey said... I've been doing zazen for about 3 years daily (even more than 3 years but it wasn't always on a consistent, daily basis) and i've been to this one sangha about half a dozen times to this Sunday public service they offer. They're always using words like "love", "compassion", "enightlenment", "cultivate a heart of enlightenment", and talking about giving donations generously to the temple to help "cultivate generosity".

"They're always using words like "love", "compassion", "enightlenment", "cultivate a heart of enlightenment", and talking about giving donations generously to the temple to help "cultivate generosity".

Should I be weery of this?"

last night i was reading bodidharma's dialogue with the emperor wu who asked the same things, was there virtue in donating to support religous institutions and bodhidharma said NO

1. it's dangerous from a circulation point of view, also possibly destructive to the knees

2. it takes too much brain power to sit properly because it's such an unnatural position

what i do on some sort of daily basis is just sit in a chair or ly in bed just thinking or what might be called shikantaza, i think it's vaguely productive

i honestly have to say and this is not some snitch i have on zen that people who sit get more damaged than they already are and i know of several people who sat who died from some sort of thrombotic condition !

interesting the koreans are not so much into sitting, rather lying down, standing or endless walking and chanting which imo is more sensible

kwan seum bosal, sort of hypnotic really !

can't say i would willing do the chanting tho, but if you are doing solitary retreat it's important to vocalize a bit to get the immune system going in the lungs and sinuses !

man, i leave town for FIVE minutes and all hell breaks loose! Glad to hear you're getting back on yr feet Brad, may it pass quickly. I know what penis trouble is, but i haven't had any bother for years... touch wood :)

I've been reading a book lately called God Is Not One: The Eight Rival Religions That Run the World. The book takes the standpoint that the stuff we've been hearing for years about all religions being basically the same thing is bollocks.

Even the various Jesus of the various Christian are not really the same. Tell me what connection there may be between the big blonde American footballer Jesus of the Mormon and the emaciated suffering gore Jesus of the Latin American, and so on...

"Nor even do I believe in this teaching as the "One True Buddhism" of my own Zen teacher -- because, on the basis of experience, I refuse to believe a single word anybody says, and especially that deluded old bastard."

Angry Buddhists are everywhere.Nobody has their nose up NettiNetti's ass. There's no merit there.