23 Feb 2013

Good morning. Have a lot to do again today. Going to spend a little time on my journal assignment this week for childhood sexual survivors group. The topic this week is your family now. This is going to be a hard one for me to write so I will just start on it today and start thinking about some of the questions so as to get some of my feelings up to the surface so later on I can start writing the journal homework.

This is not an easy group to go through, but I would encourage anyone who was sexually raped and abused as a child to take the first step toward healing. I still have a long way to go, but I hope this journal will help you decide to get help for the PTSD. You don’t have to suffer in silence anymore.

first question they want us to think about is what is satisfactory for you in relating to your family of orign now?

Being that my mother just died and my father died many years ago, the only ones left in my family of orgin is my sister, brother, and nephew. Even though I have a brother in FL, he wasn’t part of the family until I was 12 and he was married and had two children and on his way to Viet Nam.

I would like to develop a solid relationship with him as I always wanted a big brother to protect me. Because of how things were with him and our dad it was very difficult for us to form that deep love and special bond we would have had if we had been together from the very beginning.

My sister and I share the same mom and we are real sisters because we have been together since the beginning.

So the Satisfactory part of the orginal family is the relationship I have with my sister and nephew.

2nd question and last question for right now is what is irritating, infuriating,frightening, painful?

My mother was a big part of that as I was emotionally and verbally abused by her. She loved me, but she didn’t like me or the people and things I loved. There was always a battle between us. We were like oil/water and didn’t mix for long periods of time. I loved her, but I didn’t like the way she treated me.

I always try to be a voice of reason, but once my mother believed something to be true, their was no showing her, that she was wrong to think that way about people or events.

I also have pain regarding my brother in FL, as time and time I give him my heart and try to develop a real brother/sister relationship only to get my heart broken time and time again, when it doesn’t really happen. I know that I could have my heart broken once again if I go and see him, but I love him inspite of everything. Why is it when someone enters my heart that I love them forever unconditionally no matter what they do?

Because their dad and I have no real relationship, I don’t have a real relationship with my brother’s two children.

I need to stop for now, as I am feeling emotional and a total failure.

I also feel STUPID for never giving up on someone, once I love them. That my unconditional love for others leads me to always welcome them with open arms, no matter what pain they cause me.