Firefighters Called to Scene of ‘Massive Semen Explosion’

When I saw the phrase “Massive Semen Explosion” trending on social media, I thought maybe my favorite porn star, Bailey Jay, had a new video or something. But it was a literal explosion of semen. Specifically cow semen. Newsweek had the details. Man, remember when they covered actual news and politics? I like this better.

Country Fire Authority Gippsland commander Chris Loeschenkohl said the crew had to be wary of “projectiles” coming at them while they tackled the blaze.

“The liquid inside the cylinders was rapidly expanding and essentially the lids of the cryogenic cylinders were just popping off the top and projectiles were being thrown from the building,” he told ABC.

Next time my girlfriend gives me a blowjob I’m going to tell her to “be wary of projectiles” that might smack her in the face. I’m just saying.

Now that the fire is out, someone is going to be putting in a lot of overtime jacking off bulls.

Yarram Herd Services Committee vice chairman Aaron Thomas said the loss of 100 cryogenic cylinders of cattle semen will be a “huge blow” for the farmers.

“The actual cylinders are worth between $500 (U.S. $342) and $1,000 per unit but the semen inside them varies in price,” he said.

“We’re coming into the AI season so there would have been substantial amounts of semen inside the tanks that we’ve lost, which was owned by our local farmers, and it can range in value from $5 per straw to $95 per straw.”

According to my indefatigable research, a “straw” is sort of like a bullet full of bull cum you shoot inside a cow’s vagina to get it pregnant. I’m 100% sure I’m on some sort of list now for Googling “bull semen,” too.

Just remember that when you think your job sucks, at least you aren’t getting an RSI from refilling Australia’s dangerously low bull semen supplies.

To add insult to injury, Newsweek classified the semen explosion as a “huge blow” to the cattle industry. I’m just not going to be able to top that.