Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Um…Yeah, I searched and searched for something new and fresh for the baseball part of my baseball blog. I am just here cap in hand. I thought I would try to keep this place a little active and amuse those who enjoy me being an uber-dork with my non-baseball shit. So…enjoy it while you can. Once baseball is back on then we will have a new focus. Non-baseball but no less important

OverheardAt Borders in Coon RapidsMe: Oh hey, I know this song! (singing along to the music playing in the store)Elle: Who is it?Me: (thinking) Um…oh shit, it’s David Archuleta. Damn it.Elle: (chuckles)Me: Damn it! Now I freaking outed myself at Borders by singing along to David fucking Archuleta!

A bit later I had to solidify my coolness by heavily mocking the Jonas Bros display.(In case you’re interested…the song was “Desperate.”)

In our livingroomStacy (who I thought was on the phone): It’s too late, she must be drunk.Me (interrupting her conversation): What? Why would you say that?Stacy: What are you talking about?Me: Oh, I thought you were on the phone talking about me.Stacy: Jenny, it’s not always about you when I talk about drunk people.

In line at an Asian take-out placeCustomer: I don’t like dark meat, don’t give me any dark meat.My friend: Hahaha…that’s a “That’s what she said moment” if I ever heard one.Me: Then you should “That’s what she said-ed” it. Don’t leave it hanging.Friend: It’s too late now.Me: True that.Customer: I told you I don’t like the dark meat.Me: (barely contains snort of laughter)Friend: THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!Me: Shhh…fuck, I don’t think they heard you in Canada.

On Family Guy last nightLois Griffin: Daddy, we don’t want any special treatment. We’re here as a family and we’re gonna live as a family.Stewie: Are you serious? We come to a mansion and you want to live with the help? Ugh, it’s like going to a strip club on a Tuesday afternoon.[cutaway to Stewie sitting by the stage at a strip club]Stewie: Is there anyone here who hasn’t had a C-section?

The Big New Year’s Eve QuestionWho are you going to watch while counting down? Last year I loved seeing Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin (I hearts those two so much) but this year they may have a little competition. Fox station will have David Cook, Lynyrd Skynyrd AND Scott Weiland performing in Las Vegas. How can I not watch? How. Can. I. Not. Scott Weiland (Rock God) + David Cook = FANfuckingTASTIC!

Why…Is Scott Weiland so hot? Seriously, maybe it is the combination of his being a musical genius along with the fact he is kinda smoking. I will be doing an album review later this week…so just you wait! Just. You. Wait. (Most of you are joyous in the fact it is a non-American Idol album I am reviewing.)http://pics.livejournal.com/park_ave_pirate/pic/0010zctw/s320x240

Does Will Ferrell playing the Cow Bell guy so fucking hilarious? I think a clip of him playing Cow Bell could be used as therapy. I could put it on my iPod and play it during a particularly bad meeting. Who can stay mad when there’s Cow Bell? Who? (An asshole, that’s who.)

Music of the Day – Lucy’s a RockstarAgain, when Lucy becomes a certified Rock Star she will owe it all to me. Here she is singing along with Jason Mraz on his “I’m Yours” song. This video was taken yesterday morning whilst we enjoyed our cups of coffee and an impromptu show. Check it out…she really reaches those high-flat notes!

Friday, December 26, 2008

This is baseball?What the fuck! We just experienced what had to be the most boring Winter Meetings EVER! So, thanks…for nothing. Let’s hope we can get our team solidified before Spring Training.

/end random rant – but at least it was baseball related

Non-baseball but no less important

Some day you won’t laugh at me! I’m going out and have a real life! I’m gonna be somebody! - A Star is BornLast night Stacy, Lucy and I had a mini Christmas celebration (where the Baileys’ was finished off.) Lucy opened her present from me, her very first guitar. Like a true rockstar, she had a quick meltdown and then strapped on her acoustic. Stacy was quick enough to get her camera out to record Lucille Eskedar Anderson’s very first acoustic performance. I know I say it all the time but Lucy is the coolest fucking kid!

Dear Lucy,When you become famous I will be selling this video to TMZ, People, and Time to show how you got your start. Just don’t forget me when you become a multi-platinum Rockstar.

-Auntie Jen

Lucy’s first acoustic performance

Hey, I never said I was a nice personSo you know those holiday cards you get in the mail that have pictures of all the wonderful places they traveled, all the culture they soaked up, all the accomplishments that have achieved? You know the ones that have graduation pictures from fancy ivy league colleges, frou-frou engagement pictures, and published work? Yeah, those are the cards I mock. Honestly? If I sent out my own little picture card right now it would include me standing next to C3PO, me holding up my “When did rock and roll become so fucking boring” watch at the Kansas City baseball stadium, it would be me drunk on the streets of Minneapolis celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, it would be all of the pictures I have taken of my adult beverages, it would be me flicking off the camera, giving the rock salute, kissing Lucy and getting my tattoo. Those would be my accomplishments. Are they any less grandiose than yours? Yeah, probably but at least I don’t have some red-headed chick with an Ethiopia tattoo mocking me on her blog. Aw, snap.

Merry Christmas 2008!

Happy belated Birthday NealRemember how I prepared myself for mocking when I gave David Cook a birthday shout-out? Well, I have my Wonder Woman Cuffs on for this one too. Neal = guitar player that I have a rockstar crush on. I mean, come on! He has sleeve tattoos, snake bites (lip piercings, Aunt K), lobe-spacers and knuckle tattoos. What’s not to love? (Yeah, my aunt is having her second heart attack right now.)

Happy Birthday!

Motownphilly’s back again/Doin’ a little east coast swingYep, Boyz II Men are back again! February 20 at Jackpot Junction Casino. Who wants to roadtrip with me? Hmm? Any takers? Don’t be shy!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

First, I have to apologizeThere just isn’t that much happening right now! Rats! Well, you can read the non-baseball stuff for entertainment (well if drinking, swearing and odd photos are entertaining.)

Non-verbal That’ What She SaidWith International That’s What She Said Day fast approaching us (February 15) I am trying to compile all the rules and regulation to this most fantastic of holidays. The other day I found out there IS such a thing as Non-Verbal That’s What She Said. It involved a half-eye roll, quarter eyebrow raise, and a slight squint. Mix all those together you have a Non-Verbal That’s What She Said. This can be used for those moments when your mouth is full (that’s-what-she-said) or you are in a no-talking environment (such as the library or one of those commuter buses to the suburbs.) Start practicing NOW!

As God is my witness, next year everyone’s getting gift cards!Yesterday I used a precious day off to hit the stores and get some shopping done. It wasn’t horrible but I think my excursion to Menards scarred me. In case you don’t know, Menards is a Home Depot like place.I did “save big money at Menards” but I also lost 20 minutes of my life by being lectured on drill bits and other useless stuff that I can guarantee I will NEVER use again. So thank you Hello My Name is Joe Menards, I am soooo glad I could help you feel needed. I guess I didn’t really need to put on a layer of lipgloss for Menards now did I?I am only doing this because 99% of you will roll your eyes at meDavid Cook’s birthday is today, so…Happy Birthday David Cook

To all those of you who are rolling your eyes right now (*cough*Amy*cough*) – SUCK IT! (and…thatswhatshesaid)

St. Paul ShenanigansYesterday evening kicked off the Monday Night Happy Hour Crew Holiday Hoopla Extravaganza. It all started on a blustery cold Friday afternoon…We decided to cross the river and head into the other Twin City, St. Paul.

Photographic EvidenceI don’t know who gave me a gun (of course it was attached to a video game)

You know how I feel about deer so this game made me giggle (and fight for my life)

Vegan J hearts us allClap on, clap off, the clapperI kind of want a clapper. I don’t know what I would hook up to it but here are some ideas:1. The radio2. The space heater3. The coffee machine4. The blow-dryer5. The toaster

Music of the day – Local EditionSoul Asylum played at First Ave last night. I would be going in a heartbeat but it was the start of Monday Night Happy Hour Extravaganza Weekend Hoopla I was in St. Paul (random, I know.) This song of theirs is one of my favorites.

Even though I was properly warned…So, I live in the ghetto and I am always aware of my surroundings when I walk from my car to the backdoor. Sometimes I run, just because I psych myself out. Last night I creaked open the back gate and WHAM! There was a creepy shadowy figure looming in the backyard. My heart literally stopped. I froze. (This is the part where I have neither the “Fight” nor the “Flight” defense mechanism. So…I freeze. After I took a couple deep calming breaths I said out loud “It is only a snowman, it is only a snowman.” And you know what, I really was a snowman.

Lesson: When you live in the ghetto seeing a snowman scares the shit out you

Score: Lucy – 4, Bailey’s - 1The love/hate relationship between Lucy (age 3) and Bailey’s (thank god she’s cute) has taken a new turn. Last night I snapped a couple pictures in succession of Lu and Bailey’s. You decide the winner!

*Please note: No cats or toddlers were harmed during these moments.

The Family Guy ReportSo, I love this show, always have, always will. BUT now it is on every night and I get sucked into watching the reruns. Last night’s episode – The Father, The Son, and The Holy Fonz

The best parts:Peter Griffin starts a church of The Holy Fonz (eeeeeh)Stewie is in a bubble

Mutton Chops a la civil warA co-worker grew mutton-chops on a dare (with cookies as a prize.) I tried to be stealth to get a photo but he wasn’t having it. Instead, I will leave you with a drawing to describe it.

Here he is hiding from my stealth camera skillz

And here is what he actually looked like

GrapplesThere is a new fad sweeping the nation…Grapples – grape flavored apples. Why eat two kinds of fruit when you can now get one fruit with two flavors! Why have two forms of fruit servings and nutrients when you can get one with the added bonus of artificial flavoring. In reality, these things scare the shit out of me. I tried one and it tastes like Dimetapp children’s cough syrup.

Hair-don’tI walked around for…um, approximately four hours on Tuesday with a total hairtastrophe and all my so called “friends” (I made air-quotes when I told this story) didn’t even buddy-check me on it. Seriously! I had a huge hunk of hair sticking up. Yeah, I understand that ultimately it is my responsibility to brush my hair but come one! Someone has gots to help me out here!!! (It especially looks bad after a very public night of drinking.) I call Douchbaggery!

I am hunter!I killed a creepy, crawly, multiple legged bug that was racing across the floor. My weapon? A trashy romance novel (and old Nora Roberts to be exact.) Since there are now bug guts and little legs all over the book I decided to just throw it in the trash. I mean, it was an accessory in a murder. Yeah, I wasn’t done reading it but I lost the desire after seeing the little legs. Did I mention there were little legs all over it? Yeah. Little legs.

OverheardIn the kitchen while cooking breakfast-for-dinnerLucy: Mama, you are bringing me downMe: *snort* (and then I had to turn away)

Music of the Day – New stuffI don’t know Lykke Li (but I like the sound of her voice) and Bon Iver is a Wisconsin indie music darling known for writing his last album from a cabin in the woods.

Kaat, Olivia denied in Hall of Fame vote They were close with 59.4% and 51.6% (respectively) but they need 75% to make it in. Now, maybe this is the Girl Blogger part of me but I really want to see Oliva in the Hall of Fame. (It would give my autographed ball a little more street-cred.)

Twins looking to sign Punto Now, this specific topic causes a lot of drama around the baseball blogging world (well, Twins’ ones at least) because you either love him or hate him (hate is a strong word but it rhymes better.)

Christmas Spirit Attempt 2.9 - FAILLast night, in the hopes of finding the Christmas Spirit, Lucy, Stacy and I watched the old school Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town holiday show. (You know, the one with the freaky clay-mation stuff.) My Review (in which I think I am witty and snarky):* Well, the legend goes that Santa was an orphaned baby who found his way to be raised by the Kringle Family Elves (aka: mini-Santa Claus’.)* They made toys for no reason because they didn’t have a way to deliver them.* As their red-headed step/adopted child grewed up he thought of the genius idea of bringing the toys himself.* The Eve before his great adventure the Kringle Family Elves (ironically, not a singing group) gave him a red suit coat just like theirs.* Oh, and Santa’s Ho Ho Ho laugh is derived of barking seals. Yeah, fucking insane.* Back on track…Kris Kringle (he took the family name) had to make it through the scary mountain area (in which television feeds my hatred of all things nature) and Winter Warlock (no, you may not call him Winter it is Mr. Warlock to you.)* He passed through somehow (potty break so I missed it) and made it to SomberTown (aka: grey muted tones and no fun)* Herr Burgermeistermeisterburger (drinking game!) decreed no toys in SomberTown* Kris K delivered the toys, made goo-goo eyes at Jessica (aka: Mrs. Claus – saw that one coming from a mile away)* Toys kept getting taken away so Kris K made a list, checked it twice, gave a lyrical lecture to Jessica to pass on to the kids and then kept delivering.* One of the trips he ran into Winter Warlock and de-thawed his cold heart by giving Mr. Warlock a “Choo choo train.” WW had some trippy eye thing too and all was happy.* The whole chimney thing came along because the doors were locked so Kris K had to break in via the chimney.* The whole stocking thing came about because the poor kids of SomberTown only could wash stockings for fun and hang them above the chimney to dry.* Oh, Kris K and Jessica were married in a field on Christmas Eve which now makes me want to say “Merry Christmas, Happy Birthday Baby Jesus and Happy Anniversary Santa Claus!”* It all was made better by a secret underground resistance dedicated to bring toys to the brats of SomberTown.* Reindeer learned to fly by eating defunked magic golden corn kernels pilfered from Winter Warlock’s stash. As if we don’t have enough to fear about deer now we have to worry about magic corn!* They all lived happily ever after. Kris K eventually grew a beard (to help throw the police off his scent due to a beardless photo being used in a Wanted poster) and his hair turned white. PHOTO

In conclusion, even I had a problem grasping that Santa Claus/Kris Kringle had a life before being the Santa Claus we know and love. Imagine being 3 years old and trying to figure that shit out. Spoooooky. Overheard Whilst watching Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town Kris K: Mr. Warlock, or may I call you winter? Winter Warlock: No you may not. It is Mr. Warlock to you Me (to Stacy): Do you think that is where Janet Jackson got her “Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty” saying from?

Music of the Day – New Music EditionI have been pimping this song around all morning long!!! I can’t embed it because it is so new (yeah, that’s how fast I was on this one) but click the link below to hear the new song by Sara Bareilles (Love Song) and Ingrid Michaelson (The Way I Am.)

Friday, December 5, 2008

Baseball-ishThe only thing I got is that the Twins setting their sights on Casey Blake.

Non-baseball but no less important

Must be Santa, must be Santa, must be Santa, Santa ClausLucy and I headed to the wild suburbs to see Santa Claus for the first time this year. During the car ride (in between singing Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl”) we practiced what Lu would asked Santa for. Our list included: Chocolate, a pony, David Cook (I really tried slipping that one in there), a guitar, treats, spray bottle. When it got time to actually meet Santa Lucy clammed up. Little bugger, doesn’t she know that is the only shot we have for getting a pony or a David Cook? Argh!

What happens on the Ghetto #5 bus stays on the Ghetto #5 bus (Unless I post it on my blog)Last night I witnessed a HUGE black-market DVD exchange on the bus. This guy had a whole duffle bag full of the new releases (Twilight, Bond, Dark Knight…) and each one was going for $5. I was very tempted to buy a copy of Twilight but then I would have felt bad for posting photos.

Overheard

In my cubicleMe: Brr, it is fucking cold in here.C: Put your gloves on.Me: Oh yeah! I can totally do that. They are form-fitting.C: That’s what she said!Me: No! It doesn’t work that way. Fail!In my officeCo-worker 1: So these hobos put a cross up on this path…Co-worker 2: Hobo is not a politically correct term.Co-worker 1: Fine. So these “miscreants” put up a cross…Co-worker 2: Dude, seriously. Could you be any more redneck?Co-worker 1: What are you talking about?Co-worker 2: You and your demeaning terminology.Co-worker 1: Fuck it. The story isn’t that funny anyways.Me: Now it is.

Via text message - ThursdayStacy: OMG! When I asked Lucy where you were she totally said, she’s at the bar.Me: NO! You are lying.Stacy: She did. I almost choked. So now she’ll probably always say it.

Via text message – MondayStacy: I asked Lucy what you were doing and she said “Cooperating.”Me: Well, I am cooperating…with booze. Stop trying to get her to say “Auntie Jen’s at the Bar.”

Truefax: I order HoHo Mochas because I like saying “Ho.”I also like ordering Falala Lattes because it makes me giggle. Alas, I actually don’t like any of those drinks. The sacrifices I make for my own amusement. I had a moment at Starbucks when I wanted to fight the whole “We call it THIS but the other guys call it THAT so we will pretend we don’t know what THAT means” scenario. Alas, I didn’t carry through with my frustration except with a story in my head.Here is how it would go:

Overheard at StarbucksMe: I would like a falalalalalalalalalaaaaa latte.Barista: We don’t have those here.Me: Oh, well. I will have a mint mocha.Barista: A Peppermint Twist?Me: What? Oh, that’s what you are calling it these days.Barista: We always call it that. Me: Not in the summer.My conscience: Give up. Music of the Day – Trying to find the holiday spirit EditionHey! I almost went a whole blog entry without mentioning David Cook. Allow me this one moment of weakness.

Baseball is not necessarily an obsessive-compulsive disorder, like washing your hands 100 times a day, but it's beginning to seem that way. We're reaching the point where you can be a truly dedicated, state-of-the-art fan or you can have a life. Take your pick. ~Thomas Boswell, Washington Post, 13 April 1990