“Both of us, actually. I don’t know how you came up with this. Is this something men are into?”

“I dunno, maybe a few. I haven’t really talked about it with anyone.”

“Why do you think you’re into this?”

“It just sounded like a good idea. I watch a lot of porn, and this kept coming up in scenes about other subjects. I got curious but no one really explored this specific thing so I guess I got more and more curious.”

“What are you going to do once you’re in there?”

“I don’t know. I’ll just see where it goes from there.”

“Aren’t you scared?”

“No. A little. Should I be?”

“I’m just wondering how much you’ve thought about it.”

“I’ve jacked off to it a lot.”

“I thought you said you couldn’t find it anywhere.”

“It comes up in related videos. I have to pause the video or make a GIF loop of it, usually.”

“Ah, okay.”

“So… you don’t mind doing this?”

“Like I said, it’s weird. Really weird. I’ve never heard of this before.”

“Please don’t shame me.”

“I’m not! It’s just… incredibly unusual. You have to admit that.”

“I guess.”

“But no, I don’t mind doing this for you. You know me, I’m always up for new things. And you sounded so happy when you talked about it, how could I say no?”

“Well, thank you. It means a lot to me.”

“And I don’t see how it’s going to hurt me at all, so, why not?”

“But it’ll be a little irritating, right?”

“I thought about that. I’ll be fine. You’ve been more irritating than this could be, I’m sure.”

“Tha-a-anks.”

“Hey, you don’t get to give me any lip, for what I’m doing for you. When do you want to do this?”

“Right now? I thought that was why I came over.”

“Okay, well… then start taking off your clothes. I’ll get the Vaseline.”

“Can you draw the blinds? I don’t want your neighbors to see.”

“They can’t, they’re not home at this time of day, but sure. Are you wearing the hearing aid?”

“Oh yeah, we should test that.”

“I like how you fold your clothes.”

“It’s your place, I don’t wanna make a mess.”

“Are you hungry or anything?”

“I probably shouldn’t eat right before this.”

“Ah! Right. Turn on your earpiece and I’ll call you from the living room.”

” ’K.”

“…”

“I can hear you in the other room, but not through the earpiece.”

“−ow about now?”

“Awesome, there you are. Can you hear me?”

“Well, duh.”

“Just wanted to check before I go inside you. I think it’d be easier for me to hear you than for you to hear me, once I’m inside.”

“That sounds so weird, inside me.”

“If this is too weird for you, you don’t have to do this.”

“I know I don’t, believe me. If it was too weird, I’d say something.”

“You sure?”

“Promise.”

“Okay, good.”

“And after this, you’re gonna owe me.”

“What?”

“Kidding. Maybe.”

“What do you want from me?”

“I’ll think about that. You want me to grease you down or what?”

“I got it. Maybe you can get the spots I can’t reach.”

“How much are you supposed to be covered?”

“Not sure. The website just said ‘make sure it’s enough but not too much’.”

“Oh, nice. I talk about spiking a drink and you go straight to roofies. I see how you are.”

“No, I just meant−”

“Wow, that stuff works quickly!”

“Oh, my God. Oh, my God, you’re so tall!”

“Ha ha! You’re so short, look at you!”

“Maybe this was a mistake.”

“Too late for second thoughts now, my friend. You’re committed!”

The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round!

“What the fuck was that!”

“Didn’t you read the manual on the earpiece either? Jesus, you’re a lazy little fuck. The Synose two-way radio has a panic mode. Whenever you start freaking out, it plays children’s songs to help you calm down.”

“That’s supposed to be relaxing? That’s more annoying than anything else.”

“Can’t help it. Here, don’t be scared, I’m going to pick you up.”

“Okay. Come at me slowly.”

“Wow, I can only hear you in my right ear, with the earpiece. Good thing we thought of that. Here are my hands, see? I’m your friend, I’m going to be gentle.”

“Holy Christ, your hands are cold!”

“I’m setting you on the table. Don’t go walking anywhere, you’ll probably slip and break something. If you run off somewhere, I probably won’t be able to find you. I’m going to warm up my hands in the sink, for you.”

“That could be fun!”

“Yeah, you’d be hiding from me, and then the mixture would wear off and you’d crush your idiot self behind the fridge or under the couch or something.”

“Shit, that’s scary. Wait, it wears off?”

“You really didn’t read… you’re unbelievable.”

“Hey, be nice! I’m all tiny and scared and stuff!”

“You are so small! Look at you. Hold up your arms. Incredible! Can you walk around a bit?”

“We didn’t agree to that before this. We’re going to do one thing and one thing only, that was the agreement.”

“But it wouldn’t be any work for you!”

“This isn’t a discussion.”

“How about your butt? Please?”

“One more word, and I store you in a glass of cold water for the next 20 minutes.”

“I only have 20 minutes?”

“Dammit. We’re not doing this again, ever, until you read all the instructions. You’re unbelievable.”

“Sorry, sorry. But if we have only 20 minutes…”

“Okay, I guess you’re small enough now. But I want to test the panic mode.”

“How?”

“RAAHR!!”

Three blind mice, three blind mice. See how they run! See how they run!

“That is the funniest fucking thing I’ve heard in my life.”

“I thought you were gonna eat me!”

“I wouldn’t do that.”

“But your mouth was so huge, and all those teeth. I saw your throat flex way in the back.”

“Whoa, trippy! For real? Maybe we should’ve taken pictures.”

“But that would just be your normal-sized phone taking pictures of normal-sized you.”

“Not if I put you in my mouth.”

“You’d do that?”

“If I thought it was funny enough.”

“But I thought you said−”

“You’re right. Hold still.”

“Wait!”

“No time to waste! We’re doing this, buddy!”

“Oh, my God!”

“Here I come! I’m comin’ for ya!”

Hickory, dickory, dock! The mouse ran up the clock!

“Wait, wait, hold on!”

“Hold still!”

“Just wait a second, I’m not ready!”

“Now or never! Look at how hard you are!”

“Aah!”

“Oh. Oh, God. Hold on, I didn’t get you all.”

The eensy-weensy spider went up the waterspout. Down came the rain and washed the spider out!

“Are you okay? Stop screaming for a second, are you okay? Hey! Just breathe. You’re safe, calm down and just breathe. Can you do that? Just breathe for me.”

Here we go looby-loo, here we go looby-light. Here we go looby-loo, all on a Saturday night.

“Are you calming down? I can’t tell. Stop squirming and calm down. Ca-a-a-alm down, there you go. There you go. Ca-a-a-alm down, it’s o-o-o-okay. Good, just like that. Are you better?”

“I… think so…”

“Good, just keep breathing. You’re safe. Did you hurt anything?”

“I don’t think so…”

“Good, great. That’s good news. You did it, you’re inside me! Just think about that. Are you doing okay?”

“Yeah… yes, I am. I’m okay. I’m okay.”

“There you go, buddy. Is it what you thought it’d be?”

“It’s cramped. It’s really cramped. I can’t move my−”

Sing a song of sixpence, a pocket full of rye. Four-and-twenty blackbirds baked in a pie.

“Calm down, calm down again. You’re okay. Do you need me to take you out?”

“No. Maybe. No.”

“You sure?”

“Don’t do that yet. Let me figure this out.”

“Okay, but you have to stop squirming. I can feel you very closely, and I can tell you’re not done shrinking, but it’s slowing down. Can you tell?”

“Yeah, there’s a little more room.”

“Good, but don’t wiggle so much. You’re gonna make me sneeze.”

“How are you? Are you okay? Does it hurt?”

“I’m fine. It’s really weird, like I thought it’d be, but I’m okay. It’s just like having a cold in half of my head, really. Is it gross in there for you?”

“No, it’s not. It…”

“What?”

“I don’t want you to think I’m weird.”

“That ship has sailed, my friend. What were you going to say?”

“It’s beautiful.”

“What? Really? What’s beautiful about it?”

“I can still see light inside your skull. Not a lot, but it’s glowing through your cartilage. It’s this beautiful deep red.”

“Crazy!”

“Yeah, it was yellow and orange when you first snorted me, but now it’s like this dull glow. It’s kind of peaceful, actually.”

“Huh, I guess that makes sense. Kinda like being in your mom’s womb, like in all those biology pictures.”

“Yeah, I guess. I can see all these tiny little veins, I think they are.”

“Oh, God. Can you see my hairs? Is my nose full of hairs?”

“My head’s past that. I can feel your hairs on my calves.”

“Gross. I’m so sorry.”

“No, don’t be! This is wonderful!”

“Is it everything you ever dreamed of?”

“Better. It’s so much better than I ever imagined.”

“Even though you can’t move?”

“I can move a little. But yeah, actually. It’s a tight fit, but I’m really snug inside you. It makes me feel close to you, like, I can feel you all around me. I can hear your air in the next nostril, or sinus, I guess. I can hear you breathing all around me. And when you talk, it rattles my entire body.”

“Sorry, I’ll try to be quiet.”

“No, it’s nice. It’s nice, I like it. What’s it like for you?”

“Well, weird, like I said, but it’s not bad. I know what you mean about the closeness. I’m sitting here with a tiny little man up my nose, but you’re my friend. We’ve been friends forever, haven’t we? And I’ve always felt close to you, but now you’re inside my head. You’re literally in my head. It almost feels like you’re a part of me.”

“Yeah, I feel like that too. All mashed up inside your tissues and skull, like I’m supposed to just… dissolve inside you or something.”

“I wasn’t thinking about that. But what if you did? What if my body just absorbed you, and you became a part of me?”

“…I think I wouldn’t mind that.”

“Really? You’d lose your friends, your apartment, your crappy job.”

“I can’t even think about those right now. I don’t want to. All I want to think about is being inside you.”

“Okay, that’s fine. Let me try humming.”

“Oh, my God, that’s amazing!”

“You like that?”

“Could you keep humming? Like a whole song?”

“Sure, I guess we’ve got time.”

“…”

“Uh, what are you doing in there?”

“It feels incredible. Please keep humming.”

“Are you jacking of inside my sinus?”

“Please, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me.”

“I don’t want your cum in my sinus!”

“I’ll keep it in my hand! Please!”

“You know what, I think you’ve been in there long enough.”

“No, just a few more minutes! I won’t touch myself.”

“What am I supposed to do?”

“You could watch TV or something, I guess. Read a book?”

“I couldn’t focus on a book right now. I’ll see what’s on.”

“You’re tickling me!”

“I just wanted to feel your tiny feet. You’re still sticking out of my nostril. Hold on, I’m going to the bathroom for a mirror.”

“I’m kind of at a weird angle but I think ‘up’ is behind me. Otherwise, I just hear your breathing and your voice is extremely loud, coming at me from everywhere. I think I can hear your pulse, but that might be mine.”

“You’re not scared about being stuck in there?”

“No, I guess not. It’s like getting an intense hug from you everywhere. Something’s squeezing me, is that you?”

“Yeah, I was trying to palpate you. Feel you inside my nose. I think I felt your knees and thighs but after that you’re deep inside.”

“That was kind of cool, getting squooshed like that.”

“Do you have autism?”

“Why?”

“Some autistic people find it really comforting to wear tight clothes or be compressed by someone sitting on them or putting something heavy on them.”

“Isn’t that just a human thing? Like, doesn’t everyone like that?”

“You’d have to ask them. Hey, I know I asked you, but are you feeling cramped?”

“I said I don’t know. Why, what’s going on?”

“I can’t tell if my nasal tissues are finally getting irritated with you or if you’re growing back up.”

“You can’t let me enlarge in here!”

“No shit, Sherlock. I didn’t list having my head exploded by some horny little perv on my day’s agenda.”

“I can’t move!”

“You don’t have to, just−”

“I can’t crawl backward! I can’t crawl out of you! I can’t breathe!”

“Whoa, hold on, you have to relax.”

Sarasponda, sarasponda, sarasponda, ret-set-set!

“That was a weird one. I haven’t heard that in 20 years maybe.”

“I can’t breathe! I’m getting crushed!”

“You’re not, I’d know if you are. I’m not in pain yet, but I really need you to relax right now.”

“Wait! Wait, I think I can move my shoulder.”

“Listen to me! You have to relax! I need you to go limp.”

“Hold on, just let me−”

“You have to go limp! You can’t be tense at all! I need you to relax and go limp! Listen to me!”

“If I move my knee this way, then my hips−”

“Goddamn it!”

Do your ears hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow?

“Ow…”

“Shuh ub!”

“Where am I…”

“Shuh ub!”

“I can’t move…”

Had a little cat by the barnyard gate. That little cat was my playmate. That little cat went meow, meow, meow…

“I’m in your throat! This is your throat! Don’t eat me! Aah!”

“Hol’ ong…”

“Ow! I bonked my head on your tooth.”

“I told you to relax.”

“I know, I just wanted to see if I could crawl in deeper or something.”

“You didn’t listen to me. You were in serious trouble and you wanted to fuck around in there.”

“You were in control, I knew I’d be okay.”

“You didn’t listen to me! We both could have died because you had to fuck around, and you didn’t take me seriously!”

“Okay, jeez, I’m sorry.”

“I’m not going to do this again with you!”

“What? Why not?”

“You didn’t read the instructions! You tried to change your mind and play with my boobs! You wouldn’t hold still when I was trying to hork you out of my nose! You could have injured yourself, and you could have seriously fucked me up!”

“I said I’m sorry, Christ. Where are you taking me?”

“Where does it look like?”

“Don’t flush me down the toilet! I said I’m sorry!”

“You don’t know what the word means. I was going to wash you up in the sink and give you a little thrill, but you fucked it all up.”

“What? What were you going to do?”

“You’ll never know. I’m just going to set you in this soap dish, and I’m going to draw a warm bath. All you have to do is not fall in and drown, and when you get big enough, you can wash your own stupid ass.”

“Wait, come back!”

“I’m shutting off the earpiece and making a snack and going for a walk to calm down. Your clothes are where you left them in the kitchen. You’d better be gone before I come back.”

3 Comment on “Answering the Need”

If he’d treated her with respect instead of trying to get away with something, if he’d respected her as a peer rather than an object for his desire, who knows where he could’ve gone? But I’m sure there’s nothing the casual reader can glean from this cautionary tale, none of this has anything to do with anything.

I have to think that a sinus intrusion and post-nasal drop would be exceedingly uncomfortable for all parties. Add in the unanticipated factor, the risk of premature enlargement, oh and nonconsensual masturbation and you’ve got some really shitty behavior.