We’ve Made Barber’s Imaginary Friend Really Mad

If there’s one recurring them in the wingnuts’ reaction to the reelection of President Obama, it is that the country is now bringing down the wrath of God — and deserving it, according to many — for the terrible act of enraging their imaginary friend. Here’s Matt Barber’s version:

America has tasted the poisonous fruits of lust, pride, passion, and envy – sloth, frivolity, iniquity and entitlement. She has tasted of their sweet deception and found it irresistible. She has danced in the streets, intoxicated by the very poison that will be her undoing.

America has rebelled against God. She has shaken her fist at Him and arrogantly cried, “We don’t need you. We don’t want you. We know better than you. Now go away.”

And so He’s going away…

We have mocked God.

God will not be mocked.

“Millions of Americans looked evil in the eye and adopted it,” wrote Liberty Counsel’s Mat Staver the day after the election. “Abortion, same-sex marriage and immorality carried the day.”

Indeed, evil carried the day. America has willfully chosen a Democratic platform – a Romans 1 platform – upon which to stand. We have chosen a party that thrice denied God, and then returned his name in vain – amid deafening boos – to its platform.

God will not be mocked.

Yeah, neither will my invisible leprechaun buddy. He’s going to be so pissed about this. And he’s going to cause some really bad things to happen to punish us. And every time a really bad thing happens, that will only prove me right.

After spending several years touring the country as a stand up comedian, Ed Brayton tired of explaining his jokes to small groups of dazed illiterates and turned to writing as the most common outlet for the voices in his head. He has appeared on the Rachel Maddow Show and the Thom Hartmann Show, and is almost certain that he is the only person ever to make fun of Chuck Norris on C-SPAN.

http://www.ranum.com Marcus Ranum

Wow! All that happened under/because of Obama? I’d have voted for him twice if I’d realized he was that good!

marcus

“God will not be mocked.” It’s like wingnut poetry.

Bwahahahahahhaha!

Trebuchet

The typo in the post title made me giggle a bit. “Mad Barber” Sweeney Todd, anyone?

beezlebubby

I can’t wait to see what type of scandal will bring him down. I just hope it isn’t something that involves underage victims.

Taz

It is impossible to overstate the sheer depravity of voting for a slightly right-of-center politician over a slightly more right-of-center politician.

Crip Dyke, MQ, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden

Isn’t the entire point of freewill in Xian mythos so that we can reject their god?

God will not be mocked? If you believe the Xians, he structured creation specifically so as to permit the mocking of their god.

Further, is it freewill if someone holds a gun to your head? What if it’s a revolver and you don’t know whether a bullet is in the chamber…but the violent bully promises to point the gun at person after person until it goes off? Moreover, he’s doing it with your back to him so you don’t know if you’ve been spared – you never know if you’ve been spared.

Is that freewill?

But seriously (accepting Xianity arguendo), if we dont’ have freewill, why punish us with hell? If we do, then God created us specifically in a manner such that some of us would choose to mock him.

Whence the claim that God will not be mocked? He obviously will or Xianity is wrong.

busterggi

“America has tasted the poisonous fruits of lust, pride, passion, and envy – sloth, frivolity, iniquity and entitlement. She has tasted of their sweet deception and found it irresistible. She has danced in the streets, intoxicated by the very poison that will be her undoing.

America has rebelled against God. She has shaken her fist at Him and arrogantly cried, “We don’t need you. We don’t want you. We know better than you. Now go away.”

I think he swiped that from Judge Hathorne’s trail notes from Salem, 1692.

Stevarious, Public Health Problem

She has shaken her fist at Him and arrogantly cried, “We don’t need you. We don’t want you. We know better than you. Now go away.”

Apparently Barber thinks that he is god. Hey, Matt! We were just telling YOU to go away!

http://www.holytape.etsy.com holytape

From what I hear, passion fruit isn’t poisonous, but is high in vitamin C, and is very health.

eric

@9 has it exactly right. With the exception of the particular issues, most of that speech has been said every election since the first one – and before.

I would love for some good historians to make a top 10 list of the most trivial and dated political issues for which ‘God will not be mocked’ or some variant of ‘God will now punish us’ has been invoked. Bimetallism? Peace with Mexico? Bringing Hawaii into the union?

iknklast

“And so He’s going away…”

Please?

hexidecima

“And so He’s going away”

Really? Promise? well, tell him not to let the door smack him on his immense glowing fanny on the way out.

conway

God liked us a lot better when we were the country of genocide, slavery, misogyny and racism. Damn hippies!

John Kruger

Indeed, evil carried the day. America has willfully chosen a Democratic platform – a Romans 1 platform – upon which to stand.

Ah, the problem is Democracy. At least he is being honest in his theocratic goals.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1520169291 carolineborduin

Wait, isn’t God in charge of everything?

otrame

Whence the claim that God will not be mocked? He obviously will or Xianity is wrong.

Don’t forget pot. We love the high from smoking that (mostly harmless) wacky tobacky!!

Ok, so I’m not the least bit interested in it for myself, but still, the point stands.

http://www.pandasthumb.org Area Man

So before the election, when the wingnuts were agog over “unskewed” polls, they declared that Romney would win because it was God’s will. Now that Obama has won, not only is it not God’s will, but God is going to punish us for exercising our own will.

Do they really not understand the contradiction here?

hunter

Purple has never been my favorite color for prose.

Amphiox

I presume that Barber believes in Acts of God(TM).

So let’s see, this election we had not one, but TWO hurricanes.

One struck right in the middle of the Republican National Convention, and afterwards Romney got no bounce, unlike every other previous presidential challenger, like, ever. And then the Democrats had their convention and Obama got a bounce, and a big, big lead.

Then the second one struck just at the end, and (at least according to the Republicans) halted Romney’s momentum, and “froze” the race in place, with Obama ahead, and thus assured Obama’s victory.

God methinks is sending a message here, and it’s not, it seems, one that Barber wants to listen to….

Its just like those times when Jesus was doing a show in a remote area and it became apparent that no-one bothered to bring a packed lunch and he turned around and said “get a job hippies”.

http://www.facebook.com/den.wilson d.c.wilson

And so He’s going away…

Promise?

I mean, if he’s going away, doesn’t that mean we won’t have to worry about him breaking out the smitey hammer any more?

F

I love how these nutters imagine all these things (the real ones) somehow just happened to come about this past Tuesday. And as if hardline Christians aren’t doing these things.

dan4

@16: Uh, I think Barber is talking about the Democratic PARTY, not “democracy.”

Doug Little

This god character is such a drag. What ever happened to the cool god? Sounds like he needs to hang out in Colorado or Washington for a while and chill the fuck out.

http://timgueguen.blogspot.com timgueguen

If supposedly omnipotent God isn’t going to use his powers to make us do what he wants he has no excuse to get upset and smite Baltimore or what have you when we don’t. If he’s not going to show up and tell us in a clear and concise fashion what he wants us to do he has even less excuse.

had3

So much for omni-present if he’s just gonna leave.

criticaldragon1177

Ed Brayton,

Yeah the almighty creator of the universe has nothing better to do than kill us all because some of us have mocked him in some way. What is God, a child? seriously wouldn’t he have something better to do?

Ichthyic

Yeah the almighty creator of the universe has nothing better to do than kill us all because some of us have mocked him in some way. What is God, a child?

“It is impossible to overstate the sheer depravity of voting for a slightly right-of-center politician over a slightly more right-of-center politician.”

I hope you’re not considering Romney to slightly right-of-center. I’m not sure what he is but it’s not slightly right-of-anything.

“And so He’s going away…

We have mocked God.

God will not be mocked.”

With apologies to Jacques Brel, but then, the original was pretty insipid.

If you go away post-election day

Then you might as well just take hell away

All the demons that flew out of your butt.

And your blessed son, the demi-godly mutt.

Who is said to have done things that we’d kill him for.

He spoke of love and peace, such a fucking bore.

But if you stay, I’ll pray all day.

Like no prayer has been or will be again

We’ll rail at the Left, yeah we’ll be barking mad.

We’ll gibber like loonz and bark at the moon.

And when you come back, bring your smitin’ hand.

But please leave behind those KKKristian “rock bands”.

Ellie

“Millions of Americans looked evil in the eye…” and decided to vote for Obama, instead.

Synfandel

And so He’s going away…

God is omnipetulant.

http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=523300770 stuartsmith

“America has tasted the poisonous fruits of lust, pride, passion, and envy – sloth, frivolity, iniquity and entitlement. She has tasted of their sweet deception and found it irresistible. She has danced in the streets, intoxicated by the very poison that will be her undoing.”

Didn’t all that stuff happen under Reagan?

jnorris

Please Mr Barber, pleases give us a list of what we, the American people, have to do to get God back. We need that list so we know what to avoid.

pacal

Just why in hell would God care who was elected? Aside from if God is all knowing and all powerful he will have always known who would win the 2012 election in which case why would he be angry?

http://polrant@blogspot.com democommie

GOD, just before HIS cataclysmagazm:

“You know, in some ways I blame MYSELF. DIE PUNY EARTHLINGS, DIE!!”

thebookofdave

“Indeed, evil carried the day. America has willfully chosen a Democratic platform – a Romans 1 platform – upon which to stand.”

Does that mean we’re getting a Romans 1 type punishment to fit the crime? If so, Matt Barber should begin looking for nice man to settle down with right away.

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About the Author

After spending several years touring the country as a stand up comedian, Ed Brayton tired of explaining his jokes to small groups of dazed illiterates and turned to writing as the most common outlet for the voices in his head. Read More...