by Christopher Robin Zimmerman
WrestleLine/WrestleManiacs
MAD PROPS: Victor Alicea sent me the best package I've received all year,
and maybe ever. I can't possibly repay him simply by writing the best RAW
recap I can....but maybe it's a start!
Hey Victor, if I can give up a plug for your company, too, let me know.
I forgot to ask last week but don't want to get you in any trouble,
either. (All this, of course, is really just a cheesy way of saying "hook
me up again some time, wink wink.")
QUICK QUOTE: WWF 15 3/16 (+ 5/16, last year at this time 25) - that's a
"no E" WWF, as now we're reporting quotes from the NYSE, and away from the
NASDAQ.
TONIGHT: #1 Contender's match - Rock vs. Jericho! The waiting is over as
Austin takes on Rikishi in the steel cage! Coming up at the top of the
hour!
One World Leader Attitude - WWF!
TV-14-DLV-CC Let Us Take You Back to SmackDown! with a clip package
featuring Rikishi and Steve Austin - RIKISHI IS A MONSTER
Opening Credits
PYRO welcomes us to the Fleetcenter (Fleet: It's a bank, it's an emena) in
Boston, MA, from WWF New York, and transmitido en espanol SAP - it's
30.10.2K on TNN and tonight, RAW is WAR! Hey, look! There's a cage up
there, and
TONIGHT: it's a steel cage match between Steve Austin and Rikishi!
TONIGHT: The Rock takes on Chris Jericho for the #1 contendership!
BAZOOKIA JO(ANI)E is out to start. MTV's Diary will replay Wednesday, if
you need more (clothed) Chyna in your life. "There's something that I
would like to show all of you." Yikes! Oh, wait. "Roll the footage,
please." Let Us Take You Back to Heat where the Kat debuted as....
Chynette. "Eddie, I think that you're a little bit confused, you see I am
definitely over you...I was over you from the moment that I found out what
type of person you really are. And now, Eddie, you want to challenge me.
Okay. Well I think that being in a relationship with you was probably one
of my biggest challenges in life, but I say we make this a real challenge -
come out here tonight, put your intercontinental title on the
line...because, you see, Eddie, at one time I really was in love with you
and you broke my heart. At one time, you broke my trust. But now, the
only left to break is YOU. Come on." Hell, I thought she was gonna say
"your balls" - didn't you? Must be too early in the night.
WWF INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP: THAT SLUT CHYNA v. EDDIE GUERRERO (with
Chynette) - Guerrero makes a show out of handing the flowers over to
Chynette. Chyna with a surprise elbow as Guerrero hits the ring, right,
into the ropes, Guerrero ducks, Chyna with a kick in the gut, and swinging
neckbreaker. Chynette is up on the apron, and Chyna is over to talk to
her, allowing Guerrero to get in an axehandle. Chyna tossed through the
ropes, and while he talks to referee "Blind" Jack Doan, Chynette tries
several field goal kicks. Guerrero out, putting her back in. LOUD "Eddie
sucks" chant. Right hand to the back of the neck by Guerrero. Chyna with
an uppernut. Crappy elbow, Eddie to the eyes. Head to the buckle. Again.
Going for a death suplex, but Chyna backflips out, ducks a swing, and hits
a death suplex of her own! Both slow to get up - Chyna blocks a punch,
crappy forearm, block, crappy forearm, into the corner, into the opposite
corner, crappy handspring elbow, gutshot, DDT, Chynette on the apron AGAIN,
so Chyna brings her in the hard way. Got her by the weave - quick cut to
the replay screen (must be ending soon) - press and a slam onto Guerrero.
STEVEN RICHARDS is in - Stevenkick! Guerrero covers - 1, 2, 3. He
retains. (2:40) MR. ASS is quickly out to get a piece of Guerrero, who
takes off. Guerrero and Chynette up the ramp as "Latino Heat" plays again.
And THERE'S the replay of the Stevenkick.
Outside, a limousine pulls up. It's Kurt Angle...and Edge & Christian!
Limos totally rule! It's Edge's birthday and they totally have the night
off, and they owe it all to Stephanie...who now leaves the limo, blowing
her nose and looking sick. She still manages a wet handshake for Edge,
though. Angle and Stephanie get to WALKING as Edge and Christian chat:
"Dude, you were like totally born today." "Dude, this is gonna be the best
birthday ever!"
"Mick Foley's Christmas Chaos" ad
Saturday was the XFL draft - contain your excitement
AL SNOW offers Jerry Lawler a tray of candy to say yes ("they're great,
they're like drugs.") Yes to what? Yes to be his partner against Tazz &
Raven. You think Lawler would JUMP at that chance, but he's suddenly
remembered he thinks Snow is loopy.
GOODFATHER & BULL BUCHANAN & IVORY (with Steven Richards) v. HARDY BOYZ &
LITA: Ivory: "Excuse me, I have an annoucement. Now many of the
superstars here at the World Wrestling Federation - they don't realise the
incredible responsibility in being role models to it's viewers...the Hardyz
and Lita being a perfect example. Jeff and Matt, the clothes that you
wear, the colour of your hair, the company that you keep is not only
disgracing you but it's a disgrace to all the people that look up to you.
You are judged by the company that you keep - and the company you keep is
CHEAP. Lita, the fact that you would even compete in a bra and panties
competition makes my stomach sick. Your apparel is appalling. The tops of
your underwear coming out of from the top of your pants - well, it sends
the message that all women are just objects, and that cannot be tolerated!
You should all be ashamed of yourselves! And your actions should and will
be censored here tonight!" Tonight, those two matches we've been talking
about! Jeff Hardy starts with Bull Buchanan. Gutshot, right, right, into
the corner, it's all Buchanan - got him on his shoulder - Hardy shoves him
to the corner, dropkicks him into another turnbuckle. Tag to ... Ivory?
She wants Lita. Lita wants the tag. Lita GETS the tag! Ivory hitches up
her skirt and kicks her in the gut. Hairpull helicopter. Lita counters
with a drop toehold. Blind tag, into the ropes, Buchanan stops her in her
tracks...oops, she forgot about Ivory, who puts a forearm in the back.
Lita manages to go through the legs, tagging...both of them? Double leg by
Jeff, tandem legdrop. Matt stays in, right, right, right, right, right,
stomp, stomp, referee "Blind" Mike Chioda pulls him off and Goodfather gets
a clothesline from the apron. Double axehandle by Buchanan from the second
rope. Tag to Goodfather, into the ropes, gutshot by Buchanan, kick to the
head by Goodfather. Into the ropes, back elbow. Off the ropes with an
elbowdrop, leg is hooked, that's 2. Head to the buckle, tag, into the
ropes, Goodfather downstairs, Buchanan with the swinging neckbreaker.
"Will-he-won't-he" top rope clothesline gets 2. Tag, doubleteam to the
mat. Into the ropes, Hardy ducks, and counters with a surprise DDT. Both
men down - tag ...no, Matt runs at Goodfather and gets slammed. Goodfather
with a shot for Jeff and Lita (taking her to the floor) on the outside.
Censor Train splash MISSES on Matt, but Ivory tags herself in (note to
Ross: Ivory is not Lita) - elbowdrop by Ivory to Matt's back. Matt manges
to reverse into a slam. Tag to Jeff. Buchanan and Goodfather are in -
popping back and forth between them with rights, but Buchanan finally
manages to block a punch and throw a clothesline that takes Hardy into a
Goodfather full nelson. Buchanan trying to get a free shot, but Hardy gets
the boots up while in the hold, taking Buchanan into the corner! Back
elbow for Goodfather, doubleteam whip into Buchanan - Poetry in Motion on
the stack! Matt tosses Goodfather whlie Lita comes in and spears Ivory.
Triple DDT on Buchanan and Ivory! Lita with a scoop slam in the ring as
Matt flies from the top rope onto Buchanan and Goodfather - but caught, so
Lita climbs to the top and SHE hits the pile on the floor! Jeff with a
swantonbomb on Ivory! But Richards is in - STEVENKICK! Chioda back in as
Ivory's got an arm on him...1, 2, 3! (5:00) That's two for the RTC
tonight...here's a replay of the swantonbomb, the Stevenkick, putting Ivory
in position, and the ref coming back to count the fall.
In the locker room, Edge & Christian celebrate the Hardyz' loss. Funny
hats all around for Edge, Christian and Angle. Edge's first present is an
Edge & Christian T-shirt. "Killer threads!" The next gift is a Rock
Bend-Em. "Now we can totally turn it sideways and stick it up his ass,
huh? Hey, Kurt, get it?" "Yeah, that's great guys. Steph, maybe you
should see a doctor." Stephanie assures us she's okay. Triple H comes in
and wonders what the hell's going on. "Since the Game's here, why don't we
play some?" Both Angle and H try to convince Stephanie that she should be
recovering elsewhere, while she assures them that she's fine...right after
she quickly hits the bathroom, that is. Pan over to our blonde friends
again..."Scissors totally cuts paper!" Christian makes the drat face.
RAW is WAR returns to the San Jose Arena 8 January 2001! Tickets go on
sale THIS Friday! Smack down your vote!
Rikishi tells Tony Garea to go find the Rock and tell him that he wants to
see him. And if the Rock won't see him, then he'll go see him
himself.
Look at that cage! It's one fall to a finsh, and it's coming up tonight!
WILLIAM REGAL is out with a...scroll? HE'S THE GENIUS! "Normally I would
saunter down here bringing good wishes and cheer, being the goodwill
ambassador that I am. But today is not such a day. I have a bone to pick
with you, my friends - more specifically with your ancestors. I am
referring to the Boston Tea Party. Now if your ancestors had a problem
with King George's taxes on tea, the proper thing to do would have been to
lodge a complaint with Parliament, not dress up as natives and throw
perfectly fine tea into the harbour - that's ghastly! Now it's not just
the Boston Tea Party, because I've noticed in the short time that I've been
here that you, my friends, haven't behaved yourself very well. So,
therefore, I have prepared a list of 127 ways in which you, my Bostonian
friends, can improve your life. Thank you." Ross: "It's only a two hour
show!" "Number one: chowder and beans are fine as long as a napkin is
present - I cannot stress this enought. Number two: I realise that you
people are bitter since your baseball team hasn't won a game in...since
Woodrow Wilson was president, but that's no reason to take it out on the
rest of us. Number three: I've noticed that you have problems
pronouncing--" BONG. Are you scared? He's here. HEY HEY HEY HEY and out
on his beautiful Titan bike...he's back. Damn, I should have *noticed*
that the STEEL steps have magically sat on end and moved away from the ring
- there's only one man with the power to do that, and he's the one driving
around the ring. Bike parked, the American Badass is in - gutshot, Last
Ride - no, wait, Regal's too heavy - no, Undertaker double clutches and
DOES get him up - and powerbombs him down. Play his music again! He's got
THE STICK! "You know, I think you talk funny." He tosses the mic onto
Regal's carcass. Play his music AGAIN! Replay doesn't show that it took
Undertaker two tries to get Regal up. You know, if they'd just LET THE MAN
DO HIS DAMN MOVE, he wouldn't have had that problem. Undertaker up the
ramp...
Meanwhile, Rock talks on his cel phone...until Rikishi shows up.
"Rock...didn't you get my message?" "Get your message?" "Yeah!" "Yeah,
the Rock got your message, but obviously you didn't get the Rock's
message." "What's that?" "So now that you've come in here, bustin'
through the Rock's locker room, let the Rock give you your message
personally. One last time, crystal clear: the Rock wants nothing to do
with you, so Rikishi...stay out of the Rock's life." "Stay out of your
life. Stay out of your life? After all I've done for you? After every
time I came down there to save you? Listen, Rock, I've never asked you for
anything, but tonight I just need a little help with this Stone Cold Steve
Austin match, this cage match tonight. I need to know before I go out
there: do you have my back?" "Does the Rock have your back?" "Yeah."
"Cage match, you and Stone Cold Steve Austin." "Right." "Yeah...the
Rock's got your back...the Rock's got your back." And he takes
off...Rikishi smiles. "I know you got my back. You owe me one, Rock...you
owe me one."
And now, the WWF Slam of the Week, presented by THQ's "Summoner" - Crash
gives Albert a trashcan lid to the back, allowing Matt Hardy to pin him in
their six-person intergender match. From Heat last night.
Earlier Today at the T&APA offices, we saw Trish's makeover - plants,
centerpieces and a red tablecloth. Test: "This is starting to look like my
grandmother's place - how am I supposed to get any chicks like this?"
Albert provides an ashtray...but Trish turns it into a candy dish. Albert
goes for the candy...but Test stops him, and gives him Diet Pepsi instead.
Crash walks in the office and gives some righteousness. "I already took
care of you last week, and...you're next!" Test says he thought the midget
division was over. Crash removes the tablecloth and tosses it on Test.
"You're dead, Max Mini - you're not foolin' anyone even without the mask!"
TEST TEST THIS IS A TEST (with Trish Stratus - the fitness model) v. CRASH
in a hardcore match - Test catches a garbage can as Crash tosses it in -
then tosses it onto his head. Test out on the floor, and away they
go...alongside the aisle and to an open area. Test whips him into a safety
rail. Test on the stage, jumping down to the floor with a garbage can lid
swing - 1, 2, no. Backstage, Steve Blackman watches the doin's on a
monitor. Hmmm, does he have interest in Crash? I think this is the second
time we've seen him watching one of these. Test whips Crash into the apron
when we look back. Rolled inside the ring, Test back in over the top
rope...just like Diesel! Crash removes his shirt and climbs on his back
for a choke. Got him down to size...trashcan lid at the ready, but Stratus
climbs on the apron and pulls it away from him. They fight over the lid
until Test runs at them - Crash steps aside and Stratus takes the collision
and falls to the floor. Crash with the lid swing - cover - 2! Ross says
Adam Sandler is rumoured to be on SmackDown! this week. Into the ropes is
reversed, Crash ducks, gutshot, DDT, leg is hooked, 2. Crash up top -
missile dropkick! Again he gets 2. Off the ropes, but into a big boot.
Test watches the virtual field goal..it's good! Cover....2. Test outside,
got a can - put on Crash's head. Kendo stick to the can. Test
outside - Savage elbow to the trashcan! Leg is hooked - he ain't gettin'
out of that can. 1, 2, 3. (3:06)
Kurt Angle's present for Edge is a personalised photo. "To Edge: I think I
know you!! Your friend Kurt Angle - it's true." Edge asks where the real
gift is. Stephanie coughs again for our benefit. Once again, Angle asks
if she's okay. "Hey, Edge, look at this - kazoos and streamers."
"Streamers rule! Long live the stream!" "Yeah, and long live the 'zoo.
Hey, listen to this, I'm gonna play our music!" He starts humming as Edge
chants "you think you know me - you think you know me." "That does it, all
right - get out! Get out!" "Relax, man, I can play your music too."
"IT'S MY TIME! IT'S MY TIME!" H clears the building of Canadians. "Kurt!
Kurt!" "I'll see you guys later!"
Steve Austin is pacing about - we'll hear from him NEXT!
Here's a look at the FleetCenter.
MICHAEL KING COLE asks Austin about this set of clips from SmackDown! "He
did exactly what he said he was gonna do, but he didn't do it by himself.
But you know, that don't even matter because Commissioner Mick Foley is
living up to his word. Tonight, it's Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Rikishi
in a cage, and I invite the coward son of a (beep) that hit me with that
steel wrench to come on down to ringside, park his ass right there in a
chair and watch Stone Cold whip Rikishi's ass. As far as Rikishi goin' out
and askin' for help tonight, that's bogus, that's a bad deal, it ain't
gonna happen 'cause he can put his little hands together, pray to the big
guy upstairs, and it ain't gonna do no good 'cause he's probably watchin'
RAW and he's got a cold beverage in his hand, and I think you know what I
mean. Tonight I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna bash Rikish's head off
one side of the cage, off the other side of the cage, I promise I'm gonna
leave Rikishi bloodier than he left me last Thursday, stun his ass and in
the middle of the ring, and that's a promise - no no no, that's not a
promise, that's the bottom line because Stone Cold said so."
Back to Angle and the Helmsleys. Angle is happy he's not facing one angry
Rattlesnake. Stephanie coughs some more. Triple H tells him that she's
too sick to be here - she needs to get back in the limo and go back to the
hotel. She says she'll go, but not until she's seen the cage match.
Everybody agrees.
The music rises and the cage lowers. One fall, sudden death: NEXT!
Doesn't this TNN ad with all the action figures remind you of the tOA Toy
Strip?
RAW is WAR at the San Jose Arena ad #2
RIKASHMONEY (with RAW credits & TV-14-DLV-CC boxes) v. STONE COLD STEVE
AUSTIN in the STEEL cage - Rikishi stands at the entrance to the cage, but
doesn't go in. Austin is back to vest, trunks, and wicked lookin' knee
braces. Vest is off and they meet at the bottom of the ramp. Each man
gets to punchin', Austin decidedly more than Rikishi. Around the ring we
go - Austin puts Rikishi's head into the side of the cage. Another big
shove into the cage. Rikishi fires back - trading punches - now it's all
Austin with the punches again. Rikishi decides to get in the ring, just in
case it's safer there. The bell rings and we're underway officially.
Rikishi begging off - Austin right, right, right, right, into the ropes,
duck, Thesz press. About twelve rights. About seven more rights. Austin
with a shoulerdrive in the corner. Whip into the opposite corner is
reversed, Rikishi whips him back to the first corner - and there's the fat
ass splash. Austin flumps down...will he get the stinkface? No, Austin
lowblows him to prevent it. Austin pulls himself up and clotheslines him
down - Rikishi with the flip. Austin with a stomp to the groin. Rikishi
goes outside and Austin follows - head to the STEEL steps. Austin
slams the door on Rikishi's head - DAMN! Warriors of Might and Magic
presents the Double Feature. This second angle isn't as brutal looking.
Looks like Rikishi bladed. Austin stomping away. A second shot with the
door of the cage. Rikishi shoved back in the ring, and Austin follows.
Right hand. Right, right, right, forearm to the back, Rikishi's trick knee
acts up. RIKISHIKICK! Double Feature of the low blow, since we needed a
better camera angle. I guess. Rikishi runs Austin's head into the cage.
But Austin comes back, right, right, Rikishi with a headbutt. Drumstick
drop! Austin pulls himself up and hits the corner. Rikishi stalks him,
but Austin puts up the kick, kick, kick, but Rikishi fires back with a
right. Rubbing his head in the cage - and then ramming his head in the
cage. Austin pulls himself up again - right hand by Rikishi, right, right,
stomp, knee, knee. Rikishi tries to put Austin in the cage, but it's
reversed - Austin rams him to the opposite side of the cage, back to the
first, into the second again, Rikishi is out on his feet - KICK WHAM
STUNNER - 1, 2, 3!! (5:13) And that's the finish we DIDN'T get at No
Mercy. Timekeeper Mark Yeaton tosses Austin two Budweisers, which he pops
open at the top of the ramp. Replay of the first cage door shot and a few
angles of the Stunner. Ross says this probably isn't over, though.
Austin's in prime shape, by the way. Must be why he doesn't have to settle
for LIGHT beer tonight! Hey....didn't Rock say he'd have Rikishi's back?
Moments Ago, Steve Austin ran a cage door into Rikishi's head. You were
watching, weren't you? There's that Stunner.
During the break, two refs helped Rikishi walk back.
Triple H and Kurt Angle walk Stephanie back to her limousine. "But I'm
being a bad business partner!" "Screw business!" Angle says he can handle
the #1 Contender situation on his own. She finally gets into the
limousine. "Thank you guys...thank you so much. Makes me feel good."
They simultaneously say "you're welcome" and exchange some interesting
looks. "Man, she did not look good. Looks like she had some bad chowdah
or something, you know? You know something, Hunter? I'm glad you and I
could bury the hatchet - it makes me feel good." Hunter's demeanor quickly
changes. "I hope you brought your gear, 'cause you're in for a long
night." Angle expresses that he thought he had the night off as Helmsley
walks away.
Our commentators are a pair of kings - LARRY KING & JERRY LAWLER. Al Snow
appears again with a pitcher of lemonade...and a stack of Playboys. Will
he be his tag team partner?
STEVEN RICHARDS is already in the ring. "Billy Gunn, I find the use of the
name 'Mr. Ass' to be repulsive, disgusting and totally unacceptable! So if
you're any man at all, Mr. Gunn, you will give me the opportunity to
personally censor your profane name! And after I beat you and win this
match, you'll never be known as, and never be able to use the name Mr. Ass.
And I do it in the name of censorship, and for the good of each and every
one of you!"
STEVEN RICHARDS (with Bald Venis) v. MR. ASS (with That Slut Chyna) - Gunn
has cut off all his bleach - can the moustache and six shooter be far
behind? "You know there isn't one person in this arena that doesn't want
me to shut your censoring mouth up. So I accept your challenge on one
condition - if *I* win, you put your mouth on these lips" - and he points
to the logo on his derriere. Richards rushes him - I guess he accepts.
Ass ducks and right, right, right, right, right, kick, kick, kick, stomp,
stomp, referee "Blind" Jim Korderas tells him to stop with the corner
shenanigans. Big beal by the neck. Another collar toss. Gunn with a
tie-assisted hangman's neckbreaker. Cover - 1, 2, no. Ass steps on the
tie, preventing him from leaving the ring. Stomp, stomp, stomp. Ass takes
the tie and wears it himself. Stomp. Adam Sandler to appear on
SmackDown!, which Ross refers to as "RAW, Thursday on UPN." Richards
manages to come back with a shot to the eyes. Right, into the ropes, Ass
ducks a swing, jackhammer gets 2 - Venis pulls the foot into the ropes,
saving him. Ass outside and swinging at Venis - now he runs into a crappy
elbow from Chyna, another, but the whip into the barricade is reversed.
Venis with a kick in the gut. Got a chair...but Korderas pulls it from
him. Chyna with a gutshot and DDT, and Korderas falls backwards as there's
no opposing force tugging on the chair. Back in the ring, where Ass hits
an avalanche on Richards. And there's the Fame'Asser, but EDDIE GUERRERO
is out - intercontinental title belt to the head - and he's out cold.
Richards has an arm on top - Korderas back in - 1, 2, 3. So long, Mr. Ass!
(2:25) Commentators are stymied as to what to call him now - hey,
maybe you could call him...Billy Gunn? The rest of RIGHT TO CENSOR are out
to celebrate.
In the commissioner's office, Foley said he's sent Kane home on threat of a
two month suspension. Chris Jericho says with Kane out of the picture,
there'll be no doubt who the #1 Contender is after he beats the Rock. As
he goes to leave, Triple H comes in - and they share a brief staredown. H
asks Foley if, just because he told Angle the title doesn't have to be
defended tonight, that doesn't necessarily mean he wouldn't have to avoid a
nontitle match, perhaps...perhaps one with Triple H? H and Foley do the
"Boston, Massachusetts" spot and both look around for the pop - and get it.
H says he'd like to prove to Kurt once and for all that "while my wife
might be his manager, after tonight, Kurt is gonna be my bitch." Foley
says he'll be happy to book that match. H gives him a high five. Man,
they're sure chummy, aren't they?
"Hell Yeah: Stone Cold's Saga continues" is the November WWF Fanatix
presentation! Only $9.95!
There's some NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS in the front row.
Earlier Tonight, Austin busted open Rikishi with a cage door...then found
that Stunner.
EMT'S work on Rikishi's head.
Here's a look at WWF New York. Earlier Tonight, X-Pac was enjoying some
beer and hors d'ouevres when Tori showed up out of nowhere and slapped him.
I guess X-Pac didn't ever visit her after she went through the table at
King of the Ring and she's all uppity and breasty now. Oh, and she's got a
new 'do with her new attitude. And I've already spent too much time on
this segment so let's move on to
Bushy beard COMMISSIONER McFOLEY is out. "I've gotta tell you all how much
I love being your WWF commissioner. Just a few minutes ago, I made a
special nontitle matchup between Kurt Angle and Triple H...because these
two men have a common bond, they were more or less fighting over Stephanie
McMahon-Helmsley. Now, as ridiculous, as senseless, and as inconceivable I
find it that two grown men would fight over Stephanie, I made that match
because I knew that it would make Triple H happy...knowing there was a
change that Kurt Angle would get his butt kicked would make *me*
happy...but more importantly, I knew that it would make the great fans,
right here in Boston, Massachusetts...very happy. Now I also made a match
between Y2J Chris Jericho and another guy...ah...the Rock...and I've
decided that will be a #1 Contenders match, meaning whoever wins that match
later on this very night will face the WWF Champion Thursday on SmackDown!
But I've gotta tellya, these ...these commissionary decisions are not
coming as easily as they would have - to tell you the truth is a lot harder
that I originally thought. Unfortunately, it's proven to be a job too big
for me. But before I leave here tonight, I want to tell everybody how much
I've loved being the commissioner...it's really been a dream come
true...I'm not quitting! I just need some help! So I've thought long and
hard about who I could possibly get to help me make these important
decisions, and I have found a person who personifies guts, and testicular
fortitude, a person who personifies courage inside the ring, one of the
true greats in our industry, a former WWF Champion, and this person will
now become my lieutenant commissioner - ladies and gentlemen, may I
introduce to you...DEBRA." Oh man, I was SURE it'd be Bob Backlund. Our
comes Mrs. Austin with a fresh set of bangs, a pink business suit, and Jeff
Jarrett's music. It's funny, but I haven't missed Lawler saying "puppies"
ONE DAMN BIT. Oh well. "Now, Debra, may I say if the looks on the faces
of the New England Patriots are any indicator, I've made a very wise
choice. I know that you're gonna help me make many a great decision. I'm
looking forward to serving with you, and I know with Debra by my side as
lieutenant commissioner, I, Mick Foley..." "We want puppies!" "Looks like
they're glad to have you back, but I know that I as commissioner, with
Debra, will have many, many nice days. Thank you very much!"
Angle laces up his boots - and complains to Edge & Christian. "I thought
we could be friends!" "Yeah, he's the Game all right - if the game is Pin
the Tail on the Two-faced Reekazoid!" Edge tells him to take care of
Triple H, kick the snot out of his never-ending nose, and afterwards
they'll all have cake! "Yeah, cake rocks the body that rocks the party!
Come on, Kurt, man, cheer up. Listen, I'll play your music." Christian
brings it with the kazoo as Edge invents some lyrics - "An-gull - An-gull -
An-gull--" "Cripes on Friday! Would you give me some time alone, please?
Please?" And they take off. "An-gull..."
Smack Down Your Vote! Visit www.vote-smart.org and www.youthvote2000.org
(and www.lp.org - oh sorry)
KING KURT ANGLE (with RAW is WAR is brought to you by THQ's "Summoner,"
Skittles and Magic: the Gathering!) v. THE NEW MAN in a nontitle bout -
Angle is still in his warmup gear, with the belt on outside it. H pops him
with a surprise punch. Right. H removes the championship belt, right,
head to the buckle, right, right, right, right, right, stomp, stomp, stomp,
referee "Blind" Tim White pulls him off. Into the ropes, back elbow.
Right hand. Into the ropes, big back body drop. Running clothesline takes
Angle outside. Angle manages a hot shot as H tries to bring him back in.
Angle in...running...and H sidesteps and puts him over the top to the
floor. Following outside, removing the jacket - ewww, Angle is all Shane
McMahon under that jacket. Right, head to the commentary table, back in
the ring. Angle tries a clothesline but H ducks it - there's the hangman's
neckbreaker. H outside and pulling Angle's ankles to the post - and *that*
will stunt your social life. H back in - clothesline. Right hand. Right
puts Angle down. H to the corner - second rope - but Angle catches him
coming off and hits an overhead belly-to-belly suplex! Angle finally gets
a chance on offense - kick, kick, kick, kick, right, right, right, into the
opposite corner, running at H - but hitting the post when H moves out!
Right by H, whip into the corner, reversed, do si do, and H goes over the
top rope to the floor - dare I saw HELMSLEY FLIP? Angle outside - H's head
hits the STEEL steps. Right hand puts H over the barricade. Warriors of
Might and Magic Double Feature of the Helmsley Flip. Brawling in the crowd
- Triple H comes back with a clothesline that puts him back on the other
side. Head to the commentary table. H rolls in...and back out. H
removing the table top...and the monitors. The commentators clear out as
Helmsley puts Angle on the table, then shoves aside the candy tray. Is he
gonna give him another Pedigree on the table? YES! Now, you'd THINK that
White would disqualify him here, but apparently not. Warriors of Might and
Magic provide the Double Feature from multiple angles. Back in the ring,
where he should have no problems getting the pin....oh, unless he decides
to forego that by mounting him and punching away. Seven punches later and
White pulls him off - a brief discussion ensues...and now Triple H is
BEALING HIM BY HIS SIDEBURNS! Well, golly, you can do whatever you want to
Angle but don't you DARE touch that referee. Champ wins. (DQ 5:52) H
goes outside to give Lilian Garcia what for. "You people want a
disqualification? I'll give ya a damn disqualification!" Coming back in
with a chair...but White manages to pull it away. Triple H promptly
Pedigrees White instead. Now he's got the chair...Angle staggering to his
feet - WHACK! Here comes EDGE - WHACK. CHRISTIAN gets the edge of the
chair in his gut - and there's a Pedigree for him. Play HIS music, 'cause
he LOST! He may have four guys laying out cold in the ring, but he LOST!
Say...you get the feeling that that loss isn't as important as people
harping about wins and losses might have you believe? There's only one guy
standing at the end of this segment, after all. Replay of the carnage.
XFL cheerleader shower scene ad. Remember, you're gonna see all
kinds of flesh at an XFL game...except when it's snowing or raining or too
cold. Ohhh..wait, a minute...it's ALWAYS gonna be like that, isn't it?
WWF on TNN "pop" ad
This weekend on Superstars, go behind the scenes with the Dudley Boyz at a
commercial shoot! I tried watching it last Sunday, but it was pre-empted
by car racing. I think they hate the west coast.
Moments Ago, Triple H gave Kurt Angle a tabletop Pedigree, gave Tim White a
porkchop beal, gave Angle a "vile" chairshot, gave Edge a chairshot, and
gave Christian a chair poke. Oh, and he lost the match by DQ.
TONIGHT: #1 Contender match! The Rock and Chris Jericho!
Michael King Cole stands with BOTH the Rock and Chris Jericho. Jericho
grabs the mic for the first word: "Hold on one second, Mitchell Cole, this
is not an interesting situation, this is RAW is JERICHO, and what that
means is..." Rock puts up a hand for him to talk to and swings Cole's arm
his way. "Finally, the Rock HAS COME BACK to Boston! You know the Rock
says that tonight's the night..." Jericho swings Cole's arm back HIS way.
"I don't give a Brahma Bull's ASS what the Rock has to say. You with your
unibrow and you're "justbringit..." Bring what? A vomit bag? A Fig
Newton? Or how about a Y2J telling you to SHUT THE HELL UP! Because all
that matters is tonight, Y2J WILL become the #1 contender for the WWF..."
"So let the Rock understand this. Y2J, tonight you actually think that
you're gonna become the #1 Contender for the WWF title?" "Nonono, not just
think, I KN--" "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK! The only thing that
matters, is tonight--" "Nononononono, Rock, you're wrong. The only thing
that matters it that I've tasted WWF Championship, and I know what it
tastes like, and I love it, and I want it again. And the only thing that
matters is that the coffee-fearing Kane is not in this arena to spoil my
chance, and the only thing that matters that matters more than anything
else is the fact that every single Jerichoholic in this arena and watching
at home wants to see the WWF Championship around my waist again. If ya
smelllllllllllllllllllllalalalalalalalalalowww what Y2J (pantomimes as the
Rock) is cookin'." Long pause. "Smell what Y2J is cooking? You ask the
Rock to smell what you're cooking? Well, let's just say for argument's
sake that the Rock does indeed smell what you're cooking, 'cause the Rock
will smell anything one time. So here goes. (inhales) Ahh yes, there it
is. Indeed, the Rock does smell what you're cooking, and quite frankly,
Chris Jericho, what you're cooking smells like 100% Grade-A, money back
guarantee, one big bucket of Canadian moose (beep)! You see, Chris
Jericho, you come out here and you run your mouth about how you've tasted
WWF gold, but the fact of the matter is this: is that the Rock has LIVED
WWF gold, and the Rock'll be puttin' it down on anybody who stands in his
way, so whether it's you, Chris Jericho, Chris Jericho's daddy, Chris
Jericho's momma, Uncle Joe Jericho with the glass eye, or maybe it's
Grandpa Jimmy Jack Jericho with the iron lung, or hell, if might be even
Grandma Jezebel Jericho with the double axe dirty panties - the only thing
that matters, Chris Jericho, is we have one big family reunion, you bring
'em all so the Rock can take his hand and layeth the smack down on
aaaaaaaaaaall their candy asses! And what you fail to realise is this,
Chris Jericho: when it's all said and done, all the dust has settled, all
the smoke...has cleared...and the Rock is done whipping that candy ass, and
the Rock goes on to become #1 Contender for the WWF title, and the Rock
goes on to become WWF Champion, you, Y2J and the entire Y2J family, will
never, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER be the same again." Commence to staredown. Holy
shit!
Even the WWF stops for the legend of Zelda! Or so they say. Looks like we
just got a sneak preview of our WWF Armageddon sponsor...
CHRIS MONDAY JERICHO (with Warriors of Might and Magic present Survivor
Series! But the graphic is missing!) v. IF YA SMELLLLLLLLLL in a #1
Contender's Match - Looks like Rikishi is watching on a monitor backstage.
Why is he still here? Either we're running late or this is gonna be a
pretty short match! Jericho doesn't let Rock part the ropes,
knocking him from the apron to the floor. Kick, right, right, chop, head
to the barricade, again, towards the timekeeper's table, Rock's head to the
table, right, head to the table, choke with the mic cable, pounding with
elbows. Into the ring, where the opening bell sounds. Jericho stomps,
slaps his head, knee, kick, Rikishi still watching, chop, into the ropes,
reversed, Jericho with a flying jalapeno! Running clothesline gets 2.
Right hand. Knife-edge chop. Into the ropes, duck, Rock takes Jericho
over the top rope to the floor. Lawler asks if Rock having Rikishi's back
meant nobody interfered in the cage match, maybe. That's a pretty good
point. Rock goes out after Jericho, but he pulls him out by the ankle.
European elbow by Jericho, right hand, into the STEEL steps is reversed and
Jericho collides...HARD. Right by the Rock - Jericho shoved into the
barricade. Crotching him on the barrier. Running at him with a
clothesline - and Jericho falls over the barricade. Rock over to bring him
back - Rikishi watching from backstage. Jericho put back in the ring -
Rock blocks, throws a right. Into the ropes, Jericho with a kick, ducks a
clothesline, nice heel kick for 2. Rock put in the corner, Jericho kick,
kick, kick, knife-edge chop. Another big chop from Jericho. Into the
opposite corner is reversed, but Jericho puts up the elbow - up to the
second floor - double axehandle doesn't hit as Rock buries a foot in the
gut, and there's the DDT! Both men are down and referee "Blind" Earl
Hebner puts on the count. Both men stir at 5. Rock with
"Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again, right, right, right, NOW KISS
THAT...ohh, Jericho ducks and *Hebner* takes the spit punch. Or did
Jericho pull Hebner there? Jericho with an uppernut since the ref is out.
Jericho out to shove Yeaton and grab the timekeeper's chair. IT'S MARTIAL
LAW, ROSS! But Rock ducks the wild chair swing, lands a right, and hits a
spinebuster on the chair!!! But there's no referee! 1, 2, 3, but the
crowd's count DOESN'T. Rock pokes Hebner...then walks back - Jericho with
a double leg...and the Walls of Jericho!! Rock thinks about tapping...but
referee "Blind" Mike Chioda is out, so he doesn't. Instead he crawls to
the ropes - "Rock E!" - and does finally grab that bottom rope. Chioda
manhandles Jericho out of the hold when he refuses to break before 5.
Jericho's ready to take a swing at him, but decides against getting
disqualified. Back to the Rock, who catches the gutshot, dragon screw leg
whip, Sharpshooter! Will HE give it up? Jericho starts a crawl to the
ropes...and HE reaches the bottom rope! Rock breaks the hold after a fair
bit of protest from Chioda. After THEIR conversation, Jericho catches Rock
with a death suplex and both men are down. Chioda puts on the count...but
here comes RIKASHMONEY, bloodied and bandaged. Chioda leaves the ring and
meets him at the bottom of the aisle...and actually gets bleeped telling
him he's got no business at ringside! Rikishi's right hand begs to
differ...then he takes Chioda to the STEEL steps. Inside the ring, Jericho
hits the Lionsault and hooks the leg...there's STILL no ref and his back is
to Rikishi....Hebner stirs...1.......2...... of course not! Jericho tells
Hebner to get up...turns back to Rock - but falls into Rock Bottom!
1......2.......3! THEY'RE HOLDING JERICHO DOWN! (7:08) Rikishi hits the
ring post-match and...DEMOLISHES ROCK! WOOOO! Fat ass splash! Jericho
tossed outside the ring. RIKISHIKICK ON ROCK! Rikishi thinks about
dragging him to the corner for the Banzai Drop, but decides to just sitdown
splash him then and there. And now he's got THE STICK: "I have a
confession to make! I've lied to Stone Cold Steve Austin! And I've lied
to you people! You see, the Rock knew all along what I did to Stone Cold
at Survivor Series! THERE lies the man who helped me do this all along!
THERE lies the man who gave me his car keys and begged me to run over Stone
Cold Steve Austin! And Rock...now...you got some explaining to do on your
own." Play his music. Rock struggles with consciousness as the War Zone
credits come up - the WWF logo is up...and we're out of time at ten after.
Well, now.
AFTER THE FACT: Two on-sites slide in, so skip it if you don't want
Metal/Jakked spoiled!
First, from Brian Heavey: Hey CRZ -
I was on hand at RAW tonight, live from the lovely Fleet Center in
beautiful Boston, MA, so I thought I would send in a note for you.
Starting with the dark matches:
Jackie and the Hass Brothers (sp?) defeated Mona (or whatever they call
her now) and the Dupps when Jackie pinned Mona. The match itself was
really good. You could tell that these guys could use some polish, but I
was definitely impressed.
Next was some guy whose name I couldn't hear, but whose tights said "The
Fuller Effect" on them. He looked like a really large version of Raven. He
jobbed in short order to Scotty 2 Hotty.
We then went into Jakked tapings, Kevin Kelley et. al came out.
First up, Gangrel defeated Funaki by means of the Impaler. Finish kind of
came from nowhere. Not much heat for either of them, despite my continuous
cheering for Funaki.
Raven defeated Essa Rios in a pretty poor match. I don't really know what
the finish was supposed to be, but it didn't go off too well. But
whatever, I like both those guys. One point, though... that discus punch
that Raven does is just silly. It's as lethal as the worm, or the People's
Elbow, or the Road Dogg's lethal shake, rattle and roll. At least it's not
his finisher.
Steve Blackman soundly thrashed Just Joe, finishing with his trademark
kendo stick from the top rope. Did you see the episode of Heat where
Blackman tied a belt to a trash can and whipped someone with it? He hasn't
used that spot since, and it's too bad because that's a great spot.
Anyway, I popped for everything Blackman did, and the crowd seemed pretty
into him.
After the Jakked matches, there was another dark match, between some team
that didn't get any entrance and the team of Saturn and Malenko. Saturn
and Malenko won, of course. I don't really remember how.
That was about it, RAW got underway soon after. The pop for Chyna is
absurd. My personal highlights included no less than THREE appearances by
Steven Richards, which amounted in no less than THREE RTC victories.
Steven Richards is my personal Steve Blackman. Nohting happened after the
cameras stopped, either. Rikishi beat the Rock down, told the crowd that
Rock knew about it all along, then left. Rock stumbled to his feet a good
minute or two later, and they playted his music. Jericho got up afterwards
and they played his music. Lilian tells us to drive safely, shop WWF, and
goodnight. The real highlight of the evening for me came when we were
leaving the building. As you would expect, there was a crowd of people.
Anyway, when we got to the bottom of the stairs we heard some guy yelling
to the Undertaker. We all figured he was full of crap, but two seconds
later, Kurt freakin' Angle walks RIGHT BY ME. It was insane. I could have
reached out and touched him, if I had wanted to. But, uh, I didn't want to
touch the man. Anyway, I was in complete shock from that. I didn't realize
the wrestlers used the same exits we did. So we turn the corner and who is
there but JR and Kevin Kelly. Again, I was marking out like crazy. A
minute later, we turn around and Bull Buchanan and the Goodfather are
standing at the top of the staircase, waving at their fans. I shouted that
this was "unacceptable," so unable to control my markishness was I. But
damn, that was fun. It's two hours later and I'm still freaking out about
it. I saw King of the Ring at the Fleet this Summer, and I actually
enjoyed this ten times more. In addition to all the extra stuff, just an
excellent episode. Edhe and Christian, Rock, and Jericho were all in top
form. Damn. Well this is getting too long winded. Keep up the good work
(I'm enjoying the WOW recaps) and check you later.
And from my long-time, close, personal friend John Oriquola from OUR
so-called SPORT: CRZ,
Some notes in no particular order from the live RAW at the FleetCenter
last night:
We were seated exactly across the arena from the Titan Tron. Great seats
and we saw and heard everything. The audio within the arena was really
good so the skits came off great and so did the Jericho/Rock promo, which
was the best those two have done since the last time they cut promos on
each other the day Jericho debuted. Edge and Christian were unbelievably
funny with their skits. The cage match came off flat in house because
everyone was awaiting a run in from Rocky or the Accomplice that never
came.
We couldn't hear William Regal because of the crowd heat. So much for
improving our lives as Bostonians. (Regal should have polled the audience
as to how many actually know what the Boston Tea Party was.) What's more,
we NEVER saw the ring steps be moved by anyone. They were just magically
on the side all of a sudden for the Undertaker's entrance. He really does
have magical superpowers. Taker actually drove halfway up the ramp and
stopped because the Rikishi/Rock skit came on the Titan Tron, and he had
to cut the engine so that the audio would come through. A bunch of refs
ran down the ramp to push the bike backstage, and Taker dismounted, raised
his fist to the sky and walked off.
Off camera happenings: We couldn't get enough of those wonderful Dupps.
The Dupps and Mona (named Lady Ophelia, and she's suddenly 100% hotter in
leather pants) jobbed to Jackie and the Hass Bros. in a dark match. Mona
and Jackie were surprisingly over although Mona hit no moves; she just
sold for and was pinned by Jackie. Scotty 2 Hotty blew the roof off the
place and pinned Rick Fuller with the Worm of all things. (Rick Fuller is
famous for jobbing to Goldberg seven times. He has "The Fuller Effect"
written on his tights.) Raisin opened Jakked and pinned Essa Rios,
Gangrel won(!) against Funaki with the Impaler (good to see the Ring of
Fire again, it looks cool), Steve Blackman squashed Joe in a hardcore
defense, and Saturn and Malenko with Terri defeated NECW Champion and
Boston's own Mike Hollow with some bald guy as his partner. In a way I
enjoyed the Jakked tapings more than RAW. I love cheesey wrestling and it
was good to see Raisin, Funaki and Gangrel.
Lillian was a revelation. I had absolutely no idea how hot she is in
person. Seriously. She was the hottest woman at the show, even more than
Trish. Some girl at ringside showed her breasts to Lillian, but there was
some altercation soon after and a fight broke out. I don't think Lillian
made a mistake all night. Good for her.
The Rock was booed quite a bit. The first time he appeared on the Titan
Tron, there was a flash of cheers and then a strong undercurrent of boos.
The Rock's cheers are high pitched indicating women and kids like him, but
the heavy bass of the boos tell me guys are not hot on the Great One.
Austin was over but no one was impressed by his performance and so he
didn't blow the roof off the place. Rikishi garnered little in the way of
heat or interest and his getting wrecked by Austin doesn't help him at
all. Rikishi got a good reaction when he attacked the Rock, but it would
have been better had he cost Rock the match.
Jericho's entrance pop was subdued and Angle also didn't get quite the
reaction expected. I think people were confused about Jericho's
heelishness all night. The breakdown was that women and kids loved the
Rock, the men loved Jericho.
Triple H got a massive babyface pop and his entrance was the best of the
night, especially from our vantage point. He was scary over in destroying
Kurt Angle, although I disagree with his utterly destroying the WWF
Champion and I think it was unnecessary to feed Tim White, Edge and
Christian to the Game, even if he was in front of his hometown crowd.
Undertaker also got a huge pop and the Kid Rock song is crazy over. We
were hoping Taker would be Rikishi's mystery accomplice, but no such luck
there. Foley was welcomed with open arms and everyone was also happy to
see Debra.
Eddy got an incredibly loud "Eddy sucks!" chant. The RTC was also over as
heels, especially Ivory, who cut a really good promo. The long skirt
works for me, I must admit. We definitely missed seeing Chris Benoit,
Kane, and Tazz.
There was no happy ending. The Rock staggered to the back and his music
played. Then Jericho's music played and Jericho headed up the ramp. We
didn't even know Jericho was still there.
The show seems to have been well received but the endings came off a
little flat to me. It was a fun show but it was the promos and skits that
blew the crowd away, not the wrestling. The commercial breaks are kind of
a drag but are shorter than how slow as molasses SmackDown tapings can
be.
You don't mind the cheap plug, do you?
Not at all, 'cause I LOVE that site! Go visit oursocalledsport.com RIGHT NOW
(or read the Nitro report - depending on what order you're reading them
in. Ha!)
Christopher Robin Zimmermanwww.CRZ.net