When your life begins to unravel….when you can see your children slowly becoming unhappy, enraged and just SAD….when you feel like you are at the end of your Motherly rope – all you do is try DESPERATELY to continue to try to be the tie that binds.

As I alluded to at the end of my previous post, my children were becoming out of control. It escalated so quickly (or so I thought) that they were even “kicked out” of their daycare!! I was appalled!! WHAT type of daycare cannot handle 4 and 5 year olds?? I mean SERIOUSLY! At this point I had been a mother for 17+ years and ALL of my children had been in care since before their 1st birthdays and I never had an issue with any of them. According to the employees – “M” would take off and run. Bolt at the 1st sign that he would be facing consequences for whatever actions had previously occurred. And he was FAST. He and another child (the same one from the bus) would also wreak havoc and completely ignore all workers, then get all of the younger ones going as well….at 5. “H” would apparently throw huge tantrums and knock over book shelves and kick and scratch and bite! Behaviour I had NEVER seen previously! (Behaviour that at this point was also not being seen at school).

“WHAT THE HELL DID THEY DO TO MY KIDS?!?” was my first thought, the second was “WHERE THE HELL DID YOU LEARN TO LOOK AFTER KIDS?!”.

Even today, knowing what I know, I still hate that centre. I learned that they had a VERY high ratio of “behaviourally challenged” kids and a very LOW ratio of properly trained ECE IIs! They also didn’t implement things they were taught via workshops, so I DO feel they held some responsibility in the way my children acted.

That started the next roller coaster ride! NO CHILDCARE FOR A WORKING MOM OF THREE! The frantic search resumed for childcare!! Calls and emails, pleading and begging…..nothing in our catchment. The school the next catchment over was full, daycare in that area wouldn’t transport to school and busing wasn’t available……can you FEEL my stress through this post??? I can feel my blood pressure rising re-living it in this post!! LOL!

With the help of the daycare coordinator, I found a space for “H” in a pre-school age program, but it was based in a school quite a distance away, and there was no space for “M”. Plus we weren’t sure the school had room for an out of catchment student anyway…. Well we had no choice but to take the space for “H” and start praying hard that something came up for “M” – and fast!

Oh and there was still another kicker in this story – I had an ACL repair surgery coming up! Guess who would be immobile for the next 4-6 weeks – OVER Christmas? THIS LADY!

During this time, we were blessed with an AMAZING Principal at “M”‘s school who graciously transported him to and from school for me while I was on medical leave, and Miss “H” stayed with Dad who transported her to and from daycare with short visits in between.

I DID receive some great news – the school WOULD accept “M” out of catchment so he and “H” would be in the same location, unfortunately still no space in the centre. This meant PT hours after recovery to transport to and from school until care was found.

This was a VERY rough time for everyone. “M” had to change schools mid-term, KNEW he had been “kicked out” of daycare and that things were stressful for everyone. It’s no wonder things got worse…….much worse…….

I know I have been focusing on my journey and some of the issues I had been dealing with regarding “V”. That isn’t to say there weren’t ones with my babies – It is just hard to keep my blog posts concise.

I am going to finally admit I had a REVELATION! My kids are NOT perfect. WHAT?! I know, right?!

But in all seriousness, I was oblivious to many issues that they had been exhibiting – chalking a lot up to being a girl, being a boy, high energy, just a princess, it’s from all of the changes, etc; etc. And to be fair to myself, I was never made aware of the seriousness of some of the issues while they were in care until very recently. The daycare handled the situation because they were trained in how to, and left it at that. Hindsight is always 20/20 though, isn’t it?

When we moved, that meant a change in child care as well as “M” would be starting school the following fall. This was a very arduous task as child care here in Winnipeg, especially SUBSIDIZED childcare, is very hard to come by, and I really wanted the kids to stay together. After MUCH emailing, cold calling, utilizing my MLA, Daycare coordinators and social media use, I FINALLY found a daycare – a centre that could take BOTH kids and transport “M” to school!

The daycare wasn’t my “ideal” centre. It was definitely a downgrade from their current one, and was located in a not so favourable location. But the staff seemed nice and competent….*ahem*.

I don’t remember any “issues” at the centre before the renovations began. In fact, they seemed to enjoy it there. Miss “H” took to her favorite girls, and kept mostly to herself. “M” was his usual social self. But they received a grant to renovate and the kids were all whisked away to a church basement – and then all hell broke loose, so to speak….and this is really where things began to unravel……

Assault, Appendicitis, Anxiety and Antidepressants…That pretty much summed up our 1st September in our new home. Pretty “awesome”, hey?

The assault happened in our old neighbourhood, which ended the commute for my daughter to continue attending her highschool there. She was attacked by an intoxicated woman of my age while she waited in a bus shelter to catch a bus home – over not having a cigarette to give her (non-smoker). She suffered quite a severe concussion. They never caught the assailant.

Less than 3 weeks later I received a call from her at work telling me that she is in severe stomach pain. I took her into the nearest hospital (the 1st time) and after waiting for 6 hours left. The next morning I took her to the Children’s Hospital, we find out she has appendicitis and she is admitted and scheduled for an appendectomy.

YIKES!!! This definitely wasn’t the “new start” I was hoping for!!!!

So “V” had started at the local Highschool (just prior to her appendectomy) and the school is less than a 10 minute walk from our house. I was so much more comfortable with that over the commute by bus to our old neighbourhood of course! Unfortunately, with the good also comes some bad…..

I found out “V” was continuing to indulge in the Mary-Jane (yes – my drug use suspicions had been confirmed by way of a suspension from school prior to our move – and my first cell phone ticket as well!). So, in order to curb her destructive behaviour, we took a trip to see her pediatrician where she was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Some other scary, personal information came out as well regarding “V” and self-harm and her reason for her drug use. We elected to go to counseling through MATC – well I decided for the both of us. “V” was prescribed Prozac but hated the medication and side effects so I didn’t force the issue as we were attending MATC regularly. At the time she hated the meetings, but in the long run, it opened up our lines of communication and our relationship is stronger than ever.

“V” has grown into an amazing, strong, beautiful young woman and I could not be more proud of her! She makes me proud to be her Mom and continues to make ME WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON EVERY DAY.

I want to share this. This is an excerpt from her IG account:

I’m not usually someone who opens up or likes to share personal stuff with the world. But seeing as how lots of people often ask ‘what does your tattoo mean to you’, and everyone does have a special meaning behind their own tattoo, I thought id explain to everyone at once what mines about. I’m doing it because the one thing I’ve learnt in the past year is, honesty is the most important thing. No matter what. You find out who your real friends are through honesty, even which family is worth allowing to take part in your life, some don’t always appreciate it and some really do. But honesty is something I’ve began to appreciate myself. The feather breaking off into the birds is essentially like a new beginning, almost like a sense of freedom. The past few years I wasn’t putting myself in the best places, I made some silly choices, drugs, self harm, etc. my mom found out and it’s actually because of her that today I’m healthy, clean from everything and I honestly believe she’s the reason I’m still here. She helped me climb out of what felt like the deepest hole. She really did help me through it every step of the way. Not a lot of people actually know any of that, just a few. Today, I rarely go out, and I honestly have taken a different route. The feather was me at my worst time, and the birds are parts of me breaking free and onto new beginnings. This tattoo as my first tattoo is the most honest and pure thing in my life. And I’m sharing it with you. All I can say is, anyone in a dark place you’ll get through it, I know that’s so cliché and easier said than done. But honestly don’t ever be afraid to share what’s going on with someone because I guarantee they’re open to guiding you towards helping you through it and essentially freeing yourself. You have to learn to love yourself and always remember you’re something worth climbing out of the darkest holes for. ~”V”

I sat and talked with my Real Estate agent and we decided to put in an offer on the last day – at asking price. She told me to trust her, so I did.

Man – I was sick and scared shitless. I had been outbid on EVERYTHING and that was going ABOVE asking. But she knew something I didn’t……

I was the ONLY offer on the house – and they HAD to accept!! I don’t know HOW or WHY (the house isn’t perfect, but it is sound and has zero issues), this happened, but it did – and suddenly – I WAS A HOME OWNER AGAIN!!!! YIPPEE!!!!!!

Our new family home ❤

I am STILL in awe as to how we acquired the house. My Grandfather’s photo sits on our fireplace mantel. I believe he was instrumental in us getting our home – it just should NOT have occurred how it did! We are feeling truly blessed right now!

So now it was time to move again! Things weren’t all fun and games at home – my eldest “refused” to switch schools, so we agreed she could commute as long as she got there, and I had to book time off of work during a time while everyone wants holidays! Thankfully we had the house for almost a full month so we were able to move in slowly – I truly believe this is will be the best thing for my family!

So in my previous post I mentioned that a HUGE new change was happening in my life – and that was that I was going to become a home owner again. This was even more exciting as I was doing it on my own (well kind of – the down payment was loaned by someone near and dear to me) but my “own” as a single Mom.

I knew that I wanted to move to the west side of the city as that is where my Mom and sister lived – they are both my anchors. I honestly don’t know where I would be in life without them. The issue here is, is that this is also one of the more expensive areas to buy a home in. And with 3 kids, one being a teenager, and a little dog I needed space.

OOPS! Did I forget to mention our new addition? We rescued a little Chug named Max. The poor “little” guy was going to be put down and I just couldn’t allow it. Although he was already 4 when we got him, it seems like he has always been with us.

When Max first came to see us on the left and last summer on the right

So I started the hunt! I was so excited about the possibilities as I felt I had a decent budget – but those thoughts were soon thwarted by crazy bids on the houses I wanted. I was being out bid faster than I could blink :(.

Then I found it.

I saw a photo on the Real Estate site and I HAD to go and look. It just seemed to call to me.

Although it was a 2 story, and I was looking for a bungalow, it had everything we needed. 3+1 bedrooms, a huge fenced yard with a play structure and an ISLAND OF MY DREAMS. As I mentioned in this post, I make cakes on the side. I had slowed down as they were becoming too overwhelming, but had picked it up again recently. Plus I LOVED to cook – and even to do crafts with the kids – it was perfect.

The play structure in the backyard, and THE island. See those cupboards and drawers – those are on BOTH sides!! EEEEK! ❤

But the house was also priced upwards of my max budget, and the area it was in – I was very worried I would be out bid – by a LOT.

Soo… this is where the fun part comes in that I mentioned in my previous post. My gf was having a Pampered Chef™ and medium party – and I was attending. I had never been, to either actually, but was most excited by the medium part. We saw a lovely lady named Lisa Scrivens – she can be found her website here or on Facebook here.

I felt immediately at ease when I met her and our session began. She asked my name and then asked a weird question. She asked if I did Reiki. (I did not – but more to come on that at a later date). She asked about me working in healthcare, which I do in a way; she knew it was not my dream job, but that I was content. She followed with a tarot reading, and OMG. I mean she hit ALL OF THE NAILS ON THE HEAD. My past relationship, issues with my kids (which had escalated a bit), everything. Then I was able to ask a question – and of course I did – about the house I wanted. The answer was simple: The person helping me was going to be asked to do some things by the broker. Do them – the house is yours. Then my Grandfather came through with his old dog Shep, and for the first time in a long time, I felt sure of my future, and glad that I knew <for sure> who my son’s Guardian Angel was 😉

When a couple separates after half a decade+, you really find out who your friends are. They take sides, stop calling, come out of the woodwork to help, call to see if you are ok – or start dating your ex.

It was when the latter happened when my life changed drastically. My depression has been under control for the most part for years, and suddenly I was spiraling into a really dark place. I tried to hide it – after all I still had my teen to worry about, who was exhibiting symptoms of drug use, my 2 babies that I had pretty much full time, a Foster Daughter I had taken in and a new job I had just started when I moved back to the city. But I wasn’t doing well – at all. I was either drinking more at a gfs house, or out with her (on weekends that I didn’t have the wee ones), or I would lay in bed all weekend and read. And I cried – a lot. Not in front of anyone, again trying to hide everything, but still….. a lot.

So back to the Dr I went, and back to counseling. My doctor upped my meds (doubled them in fact) and my counselor patiently listened to me crying about my ex, and my so called friend, and me questioning if we made the right choice separating, and was it best for the kids… etc etc…

When I was done, she looked at me and asked what I really remembered about my relationship. She said I seem to have this perfect house, with a white picket fence version in my head, and everything was mostly good (and she held her hand up high, like I revered that ‘memory’). Then she put her hand down and said – “Crystal – let that version go. That is NOT what it was like. I have been your counselor for years, and you two had issues from day 1. It’s like you are both addicted to each other – to the adrenaline of being mad all of the time. You need to find a way to be happy”.

And just like that – the darkness was gone. Not the sadness, not ALL of the guilt for what I have put my kids through – I still harbour some of that to this day – but that EMPTINESS. I don’t know how else to describe what I had been feeling other than pure emptiness until that point. She showed me, and again TOLD me, what I NEEDED to hear, point blank and blunt. Next step was making me and my kids happy again.

My son had also been acting out – throwing tantrums and actually taking off, mostly at home but some at daycare – so she directed me to a wonderful place called New Directions, which would help with my parenting skills. She also advised me to try and get active – endorphines are the best medicine!

My sister has become my best friend, and was so incredibly supportive through – well everything! Her and I decided to join Zumba! We found a Groupon™ and tried it out – LOVED IT!!!! This is who we went through: http://winnipegzumba.com/, HIGHLY recommended!

Then she dropped the big one on me! She asked if I wanted to go to CUBA with her for a friends wedding – HELL YA! I had never traveled anywhere exotic, we worked our asses off at Zumba, my Mom agreed to watch my kids, and in April 2012 I took my 1st trip away – and it was AMAZING. Seriously – I fell in love and I can NOT wait to go back. Next trip will be with “V”!

Beautiful Veradero Cuba – no matter how much weight I had lost, the bikini shots don’t lie! Still had a way to go in my fitness journey.

When I got back, my FD’s worker informed me she would be leaving 😦 and I also received a notice that my rent would be increasing – BOO! BUT this meant one other thing for this Mamabear – time to BUY HER OWN HOUSE!

And that is where I am going to leave this crazy year off….. there is so much to tell about the house hunt……it’s a neat story anyway – from the beyond…… :-O

So fast forward to almost 2 years in our home… and things aren’t so peachy.

There is stress between us (still going to counselling), stress with “M Sr’s” exes and stress between the boys and myself. I feel like I am slowly dying inside. I am not happy, I have gained a TON of weight and our children are REALLY unhappy – mostly the older ones, as they know what’s going on.

I treated ALL of the kids equally and as my own, I always had. This meant discipline as well. I would not tolerate back talk from anyone, and I was getting a LOT of it from “J” and zero support from “M Sr”. It was a HUGE stressor for me and one day my top finally blew. And that was it – we were done. I won’t go into specifics, but it wasn’t pretty (no one was injured and no abuse of any kind took place, let’s be clear on that).

During a previous session, our counselor had asked us something. I can’t remember now what it was, but I remember her response to ours, and that was: “You should not be together”. It was blunt and point blank. We should have listened.

As quickly as we moved in – we moved out. “M Sr” left first and I stayed with the house, my daughter and the babies. Once the house sold we all moved back to the city and started our lives over……..single again, but now with experience (and three kids).

Left to right: Me (Mamabear), “M”, “H” and “V”

I had this piece commissioned by my cousin’s gf. She made it as per my requirements and I love it SO SO much. To this day it reminds me of my WHY – my reason for BEING – and that is:

that I am a MOTHER to three GORGEOUS children

I am their leader in our journey called life. I have to show them the way, hopefully the RIGHT way,

this is also where my new personal journey begins. One where I learn to love ME again; to find myself and get back to being healthy and happy (and hopefully before I’m 40)!

So needless to say (or is it since I’ve found the need to blog about it), being in a house with 5 kids in a small town while on mat leave is NOT the most entertaining lifestyle – especially when we got down to one vehicle, and my brother and SIL decided to move!

You start to CRAVE adult company….. you NEED it – before you go completely insane!

I was always fascinated by those great baking shows – you know the ones, where they create these cake monstrosities and you wonder to yourself – how in the HELL did they get so talented?? Well…I wanted to learn. I wanted to do that! After all – I had enough kids to make cake for!

So I decided I needed a new hobby! My gfs were really busy, and me leaving for weekends with 2 kids under 2 wasn’t feasible, so scrapbooking had become very infrequent. And you just don’t have the time, or the space, to do it during ‘nap times’. Therefore, I enrolled in a Wilton™ cake decorating course at the closest Michael’s’™ location to me, to learn this craft (and talk to other adults!). Cakes like THIS just weren’t cutting it!!

My step son J’s bday cake – KIND OF looks like a yellow sub, right?!?

Well after 3 levels, turns out I’m kind of good at cake decorating!! Who knew??

This was my final class cake 🙂

I still make custom cakes – but I do it more as a hobby and for friends, family and regular customers. It was getting too time consuming and was starting to feel like “work” and not a hobby – blech! Plus as you will learn shortly – life was about to change yet again!

October 16, 2009. Woke up feeling weird and moved to the couch. Ended up asking “M Sr” to stay home as I had a feeling today was the day.

I didn’t realize what I was experiencing were contractions for most of the day as my 1st 2 babies were induced and THOSE contractions were hard, in my back and hurt like hell. These were different….more like pressure…. and a baby’s head knocking to come out! LOL!

After FINALLY timing them on the advice of a friend we started to get things together and make our trip into the city. We had a few stops to make along the way, including dropping the kids off to be watched, and being driven to the hospital (parking is insane). I was also REALLY hungry! Being induced with my 1st 2, you have to have an empty stomach, and are STARVING 12 hours later after it is all said and done, so I didn’t want to take that chance. Man – I was so naive!! Contractions 3 mins apart and I am eating a Superboy burger and sharing fries and a drink!

Arrive at the hospital and check in – contractions now 2 mins apart and REALLY starting to hurt, and I am now feeling sick….hmmm…..I wonder why?!

It took a while to get registered, ‘checked’, monitored and then I am told to go for a walk – yeah, that lasted less than 10 mins. Suddenly I can barely walk and I am told “Yup! It’s time” and “Let’s get you to a room”! We barely got settled in and she was on her way – FAST! Daddy almost caught her – the Dr didn’t even make it into the room!

Checked into hospital at 19:10, she arrived on a water slide at 20:51 – no drugs, heck, almost no pushing! 7lbs of pure perfection – wide eyed and ready to conquer the world!

Welcome to the world my sweet baby girl “H”! We have been waiting for you! ❤

It was nice to have a baby girl again – pretty dresses, blankets and, of course, pretty scrapbooking things!! LOL! Her Big brother “M” ADORED her – and her right back, from early on. These two would become inseparable.

Pure adoration ❤

Such a beauty – I am one lucky Mamabear (and maybe a tad bias).

Biggest of all my babies at a “whopping” 7lbs, she still fit perfectly into her Daddy’s hand!

She was such a character early on – and really was just “cute as a button”.

Of course they grow so fast – but always so many smiles for Mommy and her infamous camera! (And yes – BALD! ALL my babies were bald until they were at least 2!)

Have you noticed the difference in my scrapbooking styles over these last few posts? The right tools and experiences REALLY make the difference. In this time I was also introduced to a nifty little machine called a Cricut™. You can find more on that here – just know that it is a game changer for letters and photos and layouts and more!

7 in the family was the max for this lady! 3 months after Miss “H” was born I had a tubal Ligation (NOT an experience I would recommend to anyone btw), no more bambinos for this Mama! I am blessed with 3 ❤