Made in Chelsea series 7 episode 1

It's the SEVENTH series of Made in Chelsea, so
it better be a good one, says Sophia Money-Coutts...

8th April 2014

Have all the girls entered some kind of weird Rapunzel
competition?

Do you know what guys? Seven is a significant number. Seven
Wonders of the World. Seven deadly sins. God took seven days to
create the world, or actually six days and then he had a little
rest, but whatever, there are seven days in the week. Seven
continents. Seven hills of Rome. Seven dwarves. Anyway, the point
is seven is a big deal. And now, JOYOUS NEWS, another cultural and
historical highpoint has been reached with the seventh series of
Made in Chelsea slash Fulham.

Thing is, I'm a pickled egg if I can remember what happened by
the end of the last series because, basically, every single cast
member had boinked every other cast member. But that's got to be a
good thing, right? Because no doubt those Bafta-winning script
writers have been hard at work since Christmas, toiling away on a
mind-blowing new storyline to justify the SEVENTH SERIES.

Well, what tosh. Within five seconds of the opening credits we
were back into the same old bickering between Lucy and Jamie. It
made me want to poke out my eyeballs and eat them, and then wiggle
a chopstick around in each ear until everything went dark and
quiet. I didn't though, because I have a job to do and also because
I was enjoying the new spectacle of Louise dressing like Mary J
Blige.

To be fair, there is ONE new storyline. Turns out, Alex, Binky's
boyband boyfriend has porked someone else. Who could this be? I was
thinking what a good laugh it would be if it was me. He lives round
the corner. But actually I couldn't sleep with Alex, because I'd be
too worried that we'd mess up his quiff. Binky finally challenges
Alex on this, but he denies it. Although he denies it while looking
shiftier than a chap caught halfway down a drainpipe, at midnight,
in a stripy top, with a bag labeled 'SWAG' over his shoulder. So
it's probably true. Nevermind. It's a brilliant excuse for Binky's
mum to ride to the rescue on her broomstick.

There are a few other things I feel we should note. Binky hasn't
appeared to have had a haircut. In fact, have all the girls entered
some kind of weird Rapunzel competition? Their hair length is out
of control. We must send a care package or a harvest festival box
to the poor village in India where women walk around clutching at
their bald heads. Meanwhile, Mark-Francis wore a coat that looked
as if it was made from pubic hair. Also, everyone was apparently
given Groupon teeth whitening vouchers for Christmas and Stevie
appears to have had his eyebrows done. Honestly, have a look.

The episode climaxed, if you will, at the birthday party of one
of those eccentric German ones. Bit confused about the theme of
this party. Deranged minotaur headgear theme, maybe. There were
pantomime glares at Alex when he and Binky appeared. Apart from
Stevie and his new eyebrows, bless him. 'It's nice to see a public
show of togetherness from Binky and Alex,' he declared seriously,
as if the Obamas had just strolled in.

Oh welcome back, Made in Chelsea Slash Fulham. The
happy land of no jobs, eyelashes as long as spider legs, dubious
sexual health, fluffy dogs and daytime drinking. Here's to a
corking SEVENTH series…