Thursday, June 13, 2013

On Father's Day, 2011, Geoff and I came to the conclusion that we didn't want to be married anymore.

We cried, we talked. We asked ourselves, "What happens now?"

To make a very long story short, it came down to this.... I would move out and the girls would live with Geoff. (More on that in a minute). RAPTOR was building a caretaker cabin at our new facility and I was offered the position of caretaker. Unfortunately, the position of education director was taken from me at the same time.
Great. Now what? I needed a job.
After pestering the owner of our local Wild Birds Unlimited, I was hired.
The cabin was completed in February of 2012. Eight months after we decided to divorce. I thought at the time those eight months be the most stressful time of my life.
I was wrong.

The euphoric cloud of freedom I was initially floating on quickly plummeted to earth and I found myself thinking, "What have I done??"

The divorce became final in December, 2012. It was anti-climactic, after all the drama of getting there.

This has been nothing like I thought it would be. Sure, I'm now a free-wheeling single woman. But that doesn't even begin to cover what I am. I'm not really free. I'm more trapped now than I was when I was married. Pressures and stress and outright fear. I never feel....safe.

Would I do it again? Absolutely.
Would I do things differently? Probably.
Have I learned from my experience? Yes. And no.

They say what does not kill you, makes you stronger. I'm not dead yet, but am I stronger? In some ways, I am. I can look back at This Last Year and say, "I survived that. I can do this." But I feel a hardness in me...a sharp edge I didn't have before. I'm jaded and it's hard or me to trust. I've dated, and there's one man who stands above the rest. But how good can I be for someone if I feel the way I do? I don't know what will come of it, and I guess for now, that's okay. I hate the thought of ever getting married again or even living with someone, and my body is prematurely shutting down the baby-making equipment, so what's left for someone who loves me? I don't know yet.

Moving away from my children..... Hardest thing I've ever done. I'm only two exits away and I see them everyday. But I feel that some of the connections I had with them are gone. Forever. All I can do is hang tight to the ones we still have and do my damnedest to forge new ones.

This Last Year. I've been ground under the heels of things I can't control and I still stagger to my feet. I keep saying to myself, "This is going to get better. I'm going to improve my life and when I get smacked down, I'm going to get up again. And again. And again."

Click on this link when you are having a bad day and need a giggle

A Glossary for newcomers to the blog:

"Embrace your Inner Sheep": You'll just have to read back a ways for the explanation of that one.

FTS (Also known as F*** the Swainsons): When you just cannot, under any circumstances, get out and look at another bird today. That's it. I don't care what it is. F*** the Swainsons!

The Flock: A group of women (and a few men thrown in for good measure) who met here in Cyberspace and now travel together to birding festivals. We are unique in this because birders don't usually travel in "packs".

Learning Lemur: (See Science Chimp)

RAPTOR: A Cincinnati-based rehab center for birds of prey (also where I work)

Science Chimp: A term coined by Julie Zickefoose. Meaning anyone who sees something nature-oriented (whether it be scat or bones or the scene of a predator strike) and MUST figure out the circumstances. There is much grunting and "eep-eep-eeping" involved in a full-on Science Chimp display. Someone who is learning the art of Chimping can be called a "Learning Lemur".

"Squeee!": This is a noise you make when something is so cute or perfect, no other word will do.

"What? Lynne has herpes?": What your blogger heard and said during a quiet moment at an owl prowl when someone said that Lynne (Hasty Brook) has groupies.