Can “Looking” be a Symptom of Sex Addiction?

Can “looking” or ogling be a symptom of your sex addiction? Does looking trigger you into deep fantasy leading to compulsive sexual thoughts that won’t stop until you act out? Often times “ogling” is a step in the wrong direction for sex addicts leading to other unhealthy sexual behavior. It hurts spouses too – the web is chock full of articles from the women’s perspective describing the hurt caused by excessive ogling. In fact, a Google search of “ogling and cheating” pulls up ads for cheating website Ashley Madison.

Excessive ogling is not healthy for either partner, especially when sex addiction is involved. That’s why we developed a series of tools to help sex addicts avoid this trap. Can looking be considered a compulsive behavior — one associated with a sexual addiction?

The Science of Ogling

Science says that checking someone out is driven by an evolutionary mechanism rooted in our biology and quest for the right mate to ensure offspring, says Robert L. Trivers in his famous Parental Investment Theory, which predicts which sex will be the fast, indiscriminate mating sex and which sex will be the more discriminating sex. This doesn’t mean that this is healthy behavior, however, when someone is struggling with sex addiction or compulsive sexual behavior. One study claimed that ogling triggers the brain’s reward system and that men react to women’s bodies like they do to drugs and alcohol and literally get high. This is particularly significant for sex addicts.

The Traits of the “Looker”

We’ve all seen “that” guy. Maybe you are that guy. The one who rubbernecks while driving to look at an attractive woman. The guy who routinely cranes his neck in the restaurant to follow somebody’s form as they make their way to their seat or to the exit. Men are visually-based creatures and respond to what they see more strongly than women, and science says that this behavior is rooted in evolutionary biology.

When we work with clients who struggle with a porn or sex addiction, a common trait is an overactive “looker.” We make the distinction between just noticing somebody and actually looking in a fixated kind of way. For an addict, looking takes on more of an obsessive energy that feels like it is almost impossible not to look. Someone dealing with sex addiction tends to objectify the person (or people) they are looking at and view them as a collection of body parts (“Wow. Would you look at ‘that’?”)

Lookers think that they may possess what we call “x-ray vision,” a fictional belief that they can actually see what is under women’s clothing! Our clients notice during these times that they stare the longest and fall more deeply into a trance. Oftentimes they are not even aware that they are staring at somebody. Wives or partners of the sexually addicted person often complain about this looking behavior — and how they feel it reflects on them. We try to help our clients understand how this “looking” makes their significant other feel.

How To Work With the Overactive “Looker”

Like most problems, you can’t change anything unless you are first aware that there is indeed a problem. When we work with men with sexually addictive behavior, we examine this looking element as part of the compulsive behavior. Men who struggle with a porn addiction, for example, may obsessively look at women as a form of foreplay, a way to “research” so that they can later find a picture, movie, or a Webcam girl who resembles that person. They essentially use looking as a tool to further their compulsive behavior.

Here are some tools we give our clients to avoid objectifying women and triggering addictive thoughts and behaviors.

Two-Second Rule

A simple intervention is to use a two-second rule. This is essentially a self-monitoring tool to establish some control and boundaries around the looking. If this sounds awfully close to something you would do with a child — to set limits on computer use, watching television, etc. — you’re right, it is. This behavior is young and regressive. Most avid adult lookers have been doing so since childhood. When a person notices that he is indeed looking too much, he then gives himself “permission” to look one time and one time only, but only up to two seconds. The idea is if you are aware enough to slap a limit on the looking, then you are aware that you are crossing the line.

Other Women’s Body Parts Are Not My Business

Reminding our clients the body parts of women they do not know or are not involved with are none of their business presents another valuable reflection. Men reveal that they often feel obligated to look, as if it’s a job, or they worry that they will miss out on something. A simple reminder, or mantra, is to remind yourself that a woman with whom you are not intimately involved is none of your business. She may not even know you. She did not wear those clothes for you. She does not welcome you. You do not need to look.

She Is A Person

Obsessive ogling usually involves objectifying. Notice what you are saying (internally or out loud). “Look at those breasts!” “How about that butt.” “Check out those legs.” The list goes on. Remind yourself that object of your fascination is a person by lending her some humanity. Remember that she is somebody’s daughter, someone’s sister, somebody’s mother. She is somebody. She is not an object.

Noticing when you cross the line and your looking takes on a more obsessive, out of control bent requires both awareness and practical tools and interventions to “snap” yourself out of this particular trance that can only hurt your recovery from sex addiction.

Comments 57

I found this site about 6 months ago and came across DJ’s word of choice for use when there is a slip up. I have to say that after reading what everybody has said, I have to agree that this is the hardest thing I have ever embraced. The code word lasted for the moment that we discussed it. Let me start from the beginning. I met my boyfriend just over 8 years ago and about six months into the relationship I realized he was always looking around as if he was looking for somebody or something. One day I started helping him and asked him what are we looking for so I can help you. He froze in his tracks and said I’m not looking for anything or anybody. You’re all I want. I looked at him strange because I really thought he was looking for something because he does this everywhere we go. I told him that I didn’t understand his answer because it doesn’t answer my question. He didn’t say anything. After months of watching I realized that he was not looking for anything he lost he was looking for something new for a keep sake to go and check out on his computer. I found porn and many different things on his computer. the girls he looked at and the people I’ve seen him look at. Almost like a copy cat. Now the arguing is back and forth and it’s bitter. We go out and he checks everybody out. Then we argue again. He get’s tired and keeps asking why I have to bring it up everyday. My response is that if you can do it everyday then you should be able to handle me bringing it up everyday. We lived together for short time and I decided that I couldn’t live with him until he got help. He didn’t like the idea of me moving out but it’s better for my mental health because being with a person like this put the miles on your mind and emotional being. He started going to his SLAA classes and said he’s going to be a new man. I thought I would stand by him and see where this goes. Everybody that may read this. RUN RUN RUN. As I am finding out from him. He’s has learned how to be craftier and sneakier. We sit and talk and like another mentioned in this forum. It only last until he is afflicted by a female from any possible manner. Stores, TV, magazines, ANYWHERE. I asked him a few times why don’t you ever try to work on what we talk about and his words are that I am and that’s why I have not had to use the code word. I had my new code words running through my head that was never discussed but he really started to disgust me. We can’t go anywhere without him looking and gawking at others. He used shiny objects and mirrors and even used a shiny car to watch girls coming up on the side. I can’t say I’m the jealous type but I can say that I have never felt so disrespected before in my life. When we are alone he says he loves me and doesn’t know what he would do without me in his life. Yeah, that all crap. We can talk for hours and he is truly sorry for all his wrong doings. He is never sorry enough to stop and never sorry enough to remember a conversation that just happened. For the person that used a stop watch, are you trying to show him and teach him something or are you just trying to figure out is you had those 3 hours of being calm. It never last for long. You can’t go anywhere with them. Mine would stop and gawk at all ages and told me that it doesn’t matter how old, they are because you can’t really tell how old girls are anymore. We have had fathers look at us and then I would look at him and he would have this stupid look on his face and then after he got a good look he would not be able to carry a conversation because he was going through something in his head and then go home and look for her on the computer. I am in counseling and he doesn’t know. I feel like I’ve been really hit in the head because there are those times that when he is good, he is really good. Please help me. This sounds just like being in a very abusive relationship that makes you afraid to leave. I have never done these things to him but I have recently been paying attention to men that talk to me and I will strike up a conversation with men if standing in line at a store because the end is near and I’m getting very comfortable knowing that he will be out of my life. I’ve begged, cried, pleaded and anything else in between. He won’t change. I will never be his go to girl. I will never be alone with him in his head. I will never have the person I thought I was getting. He is a cheater and now I’m finding out he was married twice and is still married to his second wife and left her to get involved with another and had a child and now he’s with me. He has no intentions of ever changing. We talked marriage once but he’s not the marrying kind. He’s the cheating kind and it doesn’t have to be a physical cheat because he’s always looking for the metal cheat and he would do it if the opportunity struck. I have tried and tried and he says he has tried. I don’t see much of a change between the then and now. Ladies, if he really wanted change, you wouldn’t have to beat yourself up and remind him of your conversations. I was told I was seeing things and made things up. I was crazy. The things on his computer was not his. Nothing is ever his when found and he is never doing anything wrong. Does this sound familiar? I have found him is chat apps because my life became consumed by what he was doing to me. He won’t stop and doesn’t have the desire to stop. I have never in my life wanted to slap somebody as hard as I have him. I don’t but the thought is what get’s me through the moments. Any help for me would be great. right now he is trying to be the good person but I know he’s not. If we can have a conversation and minutes later he’s doing the same things we spoke about. He wasn’t listening. He just doesn’t want to be alone and I”m the person he’s going to replace again. My anger sores high and mighty…. I don’t think I have been this angry at anybody and sometimes I think I stay because I would like to really hurt him then slam the door on him. What is wrong with me?

Conditioned response. You and your BF. You stay because that’s what YOU’VE been conditioned to do. He acts out because that’s what HE’S been conditioned to do. Minds are like hard drives and we need to update the software. Get our two books, “Breaking the Cycle” and “A Couple’s Guide to Sexual Addiction.” They’re on amazon.com….best sellers. They tell you how to change OUT the corrupted software and be here NOW with true intimacy.

I read your message in its entirety. You are correct. I do have thoughts about what he’s thinking. I do anticipate al future actions. I tell him that I feel he’s thinking this or that. He has denied everything and every thought I may have. Guess what. He had started going to a local counselor but that lasted about 70 days. All those things I thought he was thinking and then denied came out in counseling. HE WAS thinking those things. The porn has stopped according to him. He looks at females as if he is standing alone and Im not there. Then denies it! There are bouts of moments that something from his SLAA is mentioned and he kicks himself in gear and tries his hardest to be on the recovery train, again. When he still looks he turns away quickly. These moments are short lived. Not months but weeks. There was a time I used a stop watch to see how long it would take before he found his first hit. Because I told him what I was doing it took him 3 hours but normally its minutes. He said he thought he did good.
REALLY!!!!!! It took 3 hours before he could disrespect me and I should praise him. Those are choices and 9 out of 10 times, Im not the chosen one.

Things have got so bad that my anxiety was at an all time high. I couldn’t sleep and now deal with insomnia. Doctor gives me anxiety pills and depression pills. Didnt work because I have to face the abuser often. I took the pills back and told the doctor that this crap doesnt work.

After 7 years Im finally waking up. Ive witnessed downloads of dating sites, chat apps and of course he didnt do it. I saw he had money on a skype account attached to his number. I have asked him how are you doing with things when Im not around and he says he’s doing great. Then when he’s with me and he oogles, its always the same. I didnt do that. Did you see what my eyes were looking at. Your crazy and make things up. Im not looking at anybody.
Our highway goes right down strip club alley. The signs havent changed for 9 years and he gets this look on his face everytime we go by. He has been putting his head down the past few weeks but there are times that he tries to distract himself and ends about 20 feet from sings, billboards, anything with provacative stimulation. But still says he doesnt think anything.
I used to get sad thinking of him out of my life because besides these hardest issue he is a great person. I have a hard time looking at him and not have a messed up memory pop in. He says that I keep bringing up the past. Hes tight. I do nring it up.
The last time i did this is what he said.

“”””” You should go back further. It wasn’t enough. Try May 17 2016. Or October 3 2015. So rediciouls you go back in the past. It’s all good. I know what I am doing.”””””

Those are his words. I cant help nringing up the past when its still happening in the present moment or he tries to make sence out of nonsence like,

“””””I’ve realized today that it’s not that your seeing anything it’s what you anticipate. And that s not right. It’s really not fair to me””””” (his words)

He always becomes the victim in every conversation and turns it on me. I barely finish anything while talking. Im always cut off and he constanly says how I have to be right while he tries so hard to project the conversation away from him so he continues to think he’s done no wrong by yelling about my words but not the subject at hand. Its draining… I’ve realized through those short moments of recovery train not to let my guard down. Because now Ive realized that in order for change you have to really want it. While he has been wondering about the young girls to older ladies of what it would be like or look at those boobs, butt, ect. Ive recently started wondering about a different relationship. I read my post from last year and not much has changed since then. Still fighting about the same thing!!! Im constantly having to explain why this or that is not respectful. Yet, he still does it and still denies it. If thats not a punch in the face. They use to be tiny slaps to open hand and now it feels like a punch. Not literally but as an example. He’s never hit me….. the scars and open wounds are internal and never heal due to the constant salt pouring on them with a few drops of lemon juice. I cant let go of the past because its still a very big part of the here and now. Do I want help. Hmmmmm not anymore. The door is just about wide enough for me to slip through. He never fixes things when we argue. Its always been me to say sorry first. He says sorry to the exact same thing over and over. It makes me wonder which one he’s sorry about. The last time or time before that or time before that…. He’s not sorry because the actions still continue. I love him but I dont like him. I used to think fiture things but I dont anymore. Im lucky to get through the week. If we had our best friends telling us that they are going through this, what advise would we give them? Ive heard that the advise you give is usually meant for ourself.

Stephanie, Time for you to go unless he really embraces recovery and that becomes obvious. Does he have our books? Has he called me? If not, would he? If you don’t do something it will get worse. It’s progressive disorder. The time for worrying about this is over. Take action.

We have spoken and you have talked with the person in question. It’s been one heck of a roller coaster ride. This addiction goes very deep. The things that I have become to understand is that this one individual would rather climb a tree and lie instead of keeping both feet on the ground and tell the truth. The hurt, the manipulation, the lies can play a huge roll on one’s state of mental health. I have no more to give. I actually feel like my life has been sucked out of me.

I have also realized that he has no self control and his looking is so rooted inside of him that without it, he would find what happiness in a relationship would be about but he loves to fight and argue and insult me on every whim of his adventure. It’s draining. Since I’ve been battling this with him or for him. Still not sure because of all the twist and turns. I simply don’t care anymore. It’s crazy how the smallest thing has made me decide to let go. We were at a restaurant and the day before he stated how sorry he was and how he really wanted to get better and he’s trying his hardest. His hardest was 24 hours later and having to flip his hear around to see every single person coming or going. Then says that it’s about the look and not about who he looks at. The bottom line for me was that while sitting there, he reminded me of one of the kids that we have all witnessed that will stand in his chair in a restaurant with food around mouth looking at everybody and making sure he got attention. Then when asked to sit and behave, the child starts screaming. After talking to him about it, he argued and said he was doing it the correct way. There is no end in site for his behavior. I sat there the rest of the meal and was quite because I really had nobody to carry a conversation with nor did I feel like I had anything left inside of me. The behavior is situational to his surroundings. I can’t be in a relationship with an immature child in a grown mans body. I”m not angry and I’m not sad. I have nothing left. We did get your books and I did learn from it. The opposing party has to be willing to work at things for longer than a week for good to come out of it. My feelings at this point are geared towards my own personal feelings. I can’t sit around and let him consume me. The idea of paying him back crosses my mind but what’s the point it would be something that I would personally have to have effort in and I don’t. We came up with a word just like DJ stated. It’s never been used and I’m all out of trying. I don’t like him anymore and I don’t love him as much as I used to. I can’t stand him is a better fit. I do feel sorry for him because he didn’t deserve what he was handed as a child, but at some point a person needs to wake up and take a good look at their life. If you want to know what the future will be like with a person, look at what they did yesterday and the day before. That is your future. I’ve wasted years and I can’t get it back. But I sure can enjoy my future.

I found this site and I think my issue with my partner is somewhat the same. I’ve been living with him for more than 2 years and we have a kid. Lately I’ve been seeing photos of different women in his computer some of those are women from his past, some of my friends and some girls online which are really good looking and I must say they are pretty. We’ve been dealing with this for how many years and I’m afraid that one day my heart can’t take no more. He’s staying up all night or even when I am asleep I will caught him viewing those girl’s photos. I don’t know how to deal with this anymore. I love him and he said he do too but these actions makes me fell less and I think I am not good enough for him or he is looking someone better. My self esteem has gone low over the past months and I do not know how to deal with this. Please help

Great to hear from you. Best for you to get ahold of our book, “A Couple’s Guide to Sexual Addiction.” Have him call me if you’d like. I’d be happy to talk to him about what that’s about and how he can change. If he won’t cooperate with you….get out of there and find someone who can love you all the way.

My boyfriend of four years has a ogling problem and a pornographer problem. He denies both and says I’m crazy. We can’t even go out and do fun stuff cause the ogling tears me up inside and if I let it slide my hurt turns into anger. Then he says all I do is bitch but it’s just me telling him what he’s doing and expressing my feelings. I’m not ugly and I want to ogle guys to show him how it feels but that’s just not my style. Everytime we try to go out it turns out all bad cause I let him know how disrespectful it is and he will swear up and down he’s not ogling and I’m tripping. His junk mail is full of females looking for low pro sex or a sexting buddy so I know he is doing things on porn sites. He says it’s from when he use to search those websites but I’m not dumb and I wish he didn’t treat me as such. He has a masturbating problem and has effected him physically but he still won’t face the facts of life. Then to top it off he has a drinking problem and that leads him to turn his feelings off and really ignore my feelings. I know he loves me but I don’t know if my heart can continue to take much more. He’s so in denial about everything and it is ripping us apart I’m trying my hardest not to give up on him but if he doesn’t want to face the facts then the only choice is to move on. I know I can’t change him only he can change himself . How do I get him to see the big picture???? One addiction is hard to kick so him having and seeing two and wanting to get help feels impossible sometimes. We go to church but I feel he goes most of the time just to pacify me. Even church leads to problems cause of his ogling but I don’t want to stop going to church cause I know we need that more than anything. Please give me some advice to my reality please.

Star, Good to hear from you. You don’t have to suffer. The truth is: Unless your boyfriend gets help he’s going to stay this way and get worse. Addiction is a cruel master. I know. I suffered from it too. I’d be happy to talk to him if he’d like to call. You could also get ahold of our book, “A Couple’s Guide to Sexual Addiction.” It’s available at Barnes and Noble stores or amazon.com. If he doesn’t get help…..you need to leave and find someone who is clean and sober.

Star, I understand what you’re going through. My boyfriend has the same behavior. Church can be the absolute worst. Pretty Christian girls dressed in their Sunday best. Ugh…. I shudder to think how bad his ogling is when I’m not present and when he’s on campus or at the mall. Like you, I had some thoughts of getting back at him to let him know how it feels. I thought to ogle when we were out and about, or even to order a bunch of posters of seductive male models with bulging parts and tape them all over my dining room so I can enjoy them while we’re eating…. But I just couldn’t. I have no desire to look at other guys or see images like that. And yet, he hurts me this way continuously. Even though he admitted he has a problem and “tries” to not look, it seems he just finds new ways to look–ways that are more palatable to his conscience. For example, “I was just looking at her from the neck up so I wouldn’t be tempted.” Or, “I was just trying to figure her out. There is no attraction. I’m just trying to figure her out.” Ouch ouch ouch. NO MATTER THE REASON OR EXCUSE, IT STILL HURTS!! And, it always has to be drop dead gorgeous girls he’s looking at. And he expects me to believe there’s no attraction???? I finally ended the relationship just a few weeks ago. Let me tell you it was one of the most difficult decisions of my life, BUT I HAVE SO MUCH PEACE NOW. Star, know that you are highly valuable, precious, and cherished by God. “An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, not harm, all the days of her life.” Proverbs 31:10, 11

As I pondered how precious it is that God has prepared me to love my future husband and be his best friend and serve him (mutually) all the days of my life–and I pondered how my boyfriend squandered this gift by zoning in on pretty girls and investing his sexual energy towards them and other p0rn subs on Netflix, on line, etc., I just couldn’t participate any longer. The breakup, though excruciating, was the best decision. I’ve grown so much and eagerly look forward to the possibility of a relationship and marriage with a man worthy of this priceless gift God has prepared for him.

Star!! I’m going through the exact same thing from the ogling to the drinking problem. It’s so much worse with the drinking problem because like you said that turns their feelings off and makes them ignore ours. Idk what to do I moved away for school and now i worry even more. He’s the sweetest guy ever but when I think about what i see on his phone every time i’ve looked (by accident and by purpose) It kills me inside. KILLS me. He’s so perfect besides this horrible problem of his. When i try to talk about it he tells me “just stop. I don’t do it anymore” he won’t really talk about it or reassure me. Which leads me to believe he’s just trying to pretend it isn’t happening. The things he searches online are weird and concerning. I just don’t know how to break up with him without feeling like I am just insesure and overreacting. I never had this problem with past relationships and love him more than I loved them even though he does this! I don’t get it. It’s a constant everyday problem because I can’t erase what I saw. Laura, how are you doing with the breakup?

I found this by accident. The thing is: Society says these behaviours are normal. That they are okay and so men don’t feel like they’re doing anything wrong. It’s bro code and everything else; it’s what they do together. Society says porn and looking and fantasy is okay, it’s normal healthy. Doesn’t matter if it’s teen porn or whatever…

Me? I got tired of my husband always looking elsewhere, so I started having fun elsewhere myself. I just figure I’ll never find a guy who will be clean of these habit. I’m sure they are out there, but probably like winning the lottery. So yes, I’m not gonna waste my time being loyal. One might say having affairs doesn’t equate to porn/masterbating, but I don’t get off on porn/masterbating. It’s okay, I look occcasionally, but it leaves me feeling depressed and empty, not like what being with a man when his attention is on me feels like.

Does he know? Don’t know; don’t care. He’s got his teen porn. Always catching him looking at young girls. My lover, though, likes women his age. I think because he genuinely likes kids, boys and girls. He has a little more respect for people, regardless of gender or what they look like.

You guys need some solid couples counseling. And, your husband needs to do some individual work on his addiction. see my book, “Breaking the Cycle.” Click on the “get started free” button in the sidebar at the top of this blog page and I’ll send you the into and 1st chapter of my book as well as our book, “A Couple’s Guide to Sex Addiction.” That’s a great start. You can get the books on amazon.com or Barnes and Noble bookstores in the US. We also do telephone and Skype counseling with men and women from all over the world. Be happy to do a phone assessment if you wish.

There are some great ideas here but I don’t like the idea of trying to limit oneself. There is a better technique that seems to work for many things including this. The “looker” can be brought to realize that part of him wants to look, and avoid “missing out”, etc… but there is another part of himself that he can become aware of that would rather not spend any energy in this pass time and would feel a kind of calm relief and peace of mind by avoiding it. Now the ego/I/eye just has say well I’m going to take the side of this other part of me for a while and see how it works out. It’s not as easy to implement this for looking since the looking can be a very ingrained, reflexive reaction, but instead of having an arbitrary 2 second limit the looker can just remind themselves as soon as they notice themselves doing it that they had decided not to so they can stop right away and feel a sense of relief instead of a sense of missing out. Seeing everyone as just another human being like oneself, beautiful people on the one hand, or those who annoy us with illogical behavior on the other seems like a great way to avoid being overwhelmed by a world characterized by a constant stream of strangers walking in and out of our present surroundings.

Eric, Good to hear from you. I agree. IF you do your dialogues (Chapter two of my book, “Breaking the Cycle”) You will no longer need to practice the 3 second rule. It’s a process that works if you work it. Best, George

I read the book as a co-dependent at what I felt was the last stage of setting me free from the obsessive oggler. It worked! I realised at the end of the book that I was no longer the co-dependent. I had outgrown them both. It certainly broke my cycle!!

Interestingly enough, my husband started reading the book and as things appear at the moment, the cycle shows signs of breaking for him too. I know it is early days for us both as a couple, this is the best help card we have had to remain together.

I have been with my husband for 19 years and finally I shut off from him emotionally and sexually for a number of years. I had a near death experience and decided I wanted to try and make a go of our marriage. We went to Relate and put all of our cards on the table. Things improved but the rot didn’t go away. In a drunken rage recently he called me a prude which has caused a rift in our relationship. I wonder is it because he has had to curtail his looking and porn activities. He owned up to oggling in Relate but left out the porn. He does not understand about the impact of his excessive oggling and use of porn has had on our relationship. He swears it is all in the past and wants to brush it under the carpet. This alone worries me. I have ordered your book and am hoping if we can both get to the bottom of it all, we may be able to move on.

I have not read your book. I stumbled on your site. I feel like I’ve lost my mind. I have been in this relationship for a while and tried over and over to reason with his behavior of sex addiction. I found it out by accident and he had been told go to meetings or I’m leaving. This was 3 years ago. he has been going to his meetings and hasn’t missed many. He tells me that he has been sober for 3 years of self love and porn. I have noticed a change in the past 3 years but I notice that his staring hasn’t stopped and we have talked about it. He finds every reason to rationalize his looking. We go places and it’s the same thing. He has to notice all girls and watch them. If we walk into a store together, he walks behind me. He uses mirrors, or any reflective items to see behind him if he is trying not to make it so obsious. The commercials, magazines, billboards and everything else he can get a fix from is always in eye shot of him. I’m always wrong and I cause all of the issues. when I text him to explain my feelings today, he cursed me and said that my feelings are not real and that I never listen to him and don’t believe him. I don’t know where some of his thoughts come from. It’s like a different conversation at times. I really don’t know what else to do. I do know that he loves his girls of all ages and that I become invisible when we are out in public. The conversations only go well if I say nothing and let him tell me how I’m wrongs and I make things up and that I don’t see things clearly. What the heck is wrong with him. It’s makes me question myself at times but I’m not delusional. What can I do to help him? He was abused as a child and neglected and I feel sorry for him. I think he’s repeating the patterns of his upbringing. Not sure. Any help would be great.

Stephanie, Thanks for your post. You need to talk to someone. Give me a call. I will put you in touch with our female therapist who will be able to help you understand this better. If your partner is compulsively “looking,” that’s also sexual addiction. My book, “Breaking the Cycle” would be a big help to him. You could, also, read our book, “Couples Guide to Sexual Addiction.” Go to the HOME page here and right under my picture, order the free segments from both books where it says “Get started free.” I’d also be happy taking a call from your partner and talk to him about the harm that “looking” does to you both.

I really appreciate you responding. I will ask him to call you if we are ever on speaking terms again. It’s a roller coaster and I really don’t know if I want to stay on this ride. Everything seems to be around his issues and I feel that this has brought on some of my own insecurities from this. I really don’t know what’s happening to me. I’ve never been through this before. It’s hard to really stay in one place when his lips are moving and I don’t know what the truth anymore. He is clearly OK with a relationship that battles all the time. He doesn’t care as long as he’s not alone. Is there a good time that I can ask him to call. We are in Texas. I will reach out to you in order to speak with the therapist. It actually feels good to just put this in writing. I’ve kept this in for 3 years and have not been able to talk with anybody about it. I’ve felt embarrassed for so long. I do know that this is not my fault. I just don’t understand how a person can be so blind to things and be ok with his behavior.

It was so nice speaking with you. You book has entered the home for his reading. I glimpsed through it and he says that it’s not really for him since he doesn’t go to strip clubs, or picks up girls. I don’t think he does that either. Where is the book can I push the ogling of females? He says he’s not doing it but I see it all the time. One of your guys has text him and he feels that it’s not a good match for him because he doesn’t do the above things. His understanding of things is way out in left field for his own protection. That I do believe. I know he know’s what he’s doing but is not able to make the stop. UGH!….. I’m very close to shutting the door on this and never looking back. Is there anything else that I can suggest to him. Thanks.

Stephanie, Have him call me. Sounds like he’s in denial. If he won’t get treatment you need to leave and find someone healthy. Life is NO fun with a practicing addict. You deserve better. If you are serious about leaving he may reach out. We’re here if you need us. Best, George

Steph,
There is help, Please read all of this through before thinking on any one statement below first….

There is a lot more going on here than you might first recognize for both the problem and the solution. We like to think of things as black and white “Its not my fault….it’s his problem… I’ll leave and find someone else…”

First you need to realize that he doesn’t “make” you feel… you have the choice to react to any situation the way You want to. If you want to have a good relationship with someone you need to realize every issue needs to be owned by both of you in support and understanding.

Think for a minute, why are you being hurt by what he does? You probably have many ideas in your mind what you imagine he is thinking. Realize you don’t know what he is thinking, you can’t. Now consider when someone is accusing of another person, their instant reaction is what? To be defensive! Its how we all react. You want to really know what he is think though, don’t you? Then you will have to stop attacking and start empathizing with him. To get him as far away from being defensive as you can.

Men are easily manipulated. We put up guards because we know this and from past experiences…here she goes again (guard up)… But the good news is, as Men we dearly crave to let our guard down and know it is safe to say anything. I am sure you have been there with him like that when you first met, no fear, only good feelings, you smiled and everything was right with your world. Remember what that was like and why.

Rationalize all your fears. Understand how irrational many may be: He wants someone else? He likes her better than me? He wants me to change into that? He doesn’t respect me? He doesn’t respect women? If he cared he wouldn’t do this? … I am sure you have these thoughts and others. What if none of these are true? You would be beating yourself up for no reason, right? State your fears, write them down and hopefully when you get to a better communication point you can express these to him. Let him empathize with your fears, irrational or not.

Do you realize as Men what do we want most in our relationship? We want to know that we are making our woman happy, pleasing her. When he has sex he gets turned on by your reactions to him pleasing you, not what he is doing to himself. You may think he is doing things for his own gratification, but think about that. If a Man only want his gratification he would chose masturbation over being with you. I am sure he can do it exactly like he likes it, better than you or anyone else can, just as you can please yourself better than anyone…but that is so unfulfilling. Just like any sole experience he would have on his own, looking at women.

So if you want to start understanding what he thinks, you might consider for instance, sitting down with him side by side and let him open up and point out what it is he thinks when he is looking at any woman the both of you point out. You might be surprised with what he is really thinking. This may take some trust on your part and on his also. Explain that you want to share in this and see what he sees. Tell him you are not judging, and that you just want to be part of what he is interested in.

Next you need to understand that its not black and white. Th idea of Choosing another guy, thinking this one is all bad (Black) and a new guy will be perfect (White) is a delusion. All men and women have a natural tendency to look at anyone causing movement, especially for someone with ADD or ADHD. We all look, what we do next is where the issue is. Each of us has different degrees of it becoming something unhealthy or an addiction. If you make a point with the next guy when he first looks up at a woman, you will start conditioning him into the possibility of it becoming a problem. Just like stating “don’t look up”…everyone will want to look up. Also at the first (imagined or not ) sign you will think that you just chose another guy that was like the last…

You probably don’t realize that you notice women also. Maybe not for the same reasons, or you might even surprise yourself if you are truly honest. Do you notice when a really sexy woman, you know he is going to look at, walks by? How do you know she is really sexy? Because you looked at her. Why do you think he is going to look at her? Because you made a judgement about her appearance. Not so different from what he does, now is it? If you want him to stop noticing other women, you have to to.

Think about when you walk into a building. Do you have your defenses up thinking you have to watch him and make sure he didn’t see that pretty girl you noticed when you walked in? What good do you get out of “catching” him? Don’t you want to be able to trust him on his own? Do you consider what he is like when he is away from you?

Consider instead what it would be like knowing he loved you, thinks about you constantly, wants to please you more than anything, that nothing is more important than you, and that he doesn’t have to worry about doing the wrong thing or ever being caught doing the wrong thing if he even wasn’t aware of it if he did… And if some sexy woman walked by you could care less. Think about how that would feel.

You want him to know that you know he understands your issue with what (you think) he is doing. He needs to be able to see in himself the issue and state what it is to you. We can only hope to control what we see in ourselves. No matter what you say, if he doesn’t want to make it better, even if he is convinced its your imagination, he can see that he can do things that would stop the issue if you work together. To do that there has to be an environment that is supportive.

How do you get there? I suggest that you try using a code word. Sit down with him and discuss that you both realize he has a problem and you need to realize when he is working on it and is trying his best and he didn’t mean to stair but was unaware of his mistake. He caught himself but it had happened before he realized it. Use a code word like from the movie Ghost… say “Ditto”… meaning quickly in one word that you saw he was slipping but its ok, I know you love me and I know you are working on it, and I am here to support you, and its all ok, I know it will get better, I love you…and he can respond back saying in one word ‘Ditto’… meaning I’m sorry, I lost control for a second, I love only you, and I will do better with your support, thank you for being there for me, I can’t do this alone, I am getting better and will do even better every time I hear you supporting me with your love and understanding when you said that simple word, ditto.

Then you should smile at each other and hold hands, you just shared a great experience together, and no body got hurt….and no one else was brought into your secrete glances to each other, the rest of the world doesn’t matter!

It will get better and its not as hard as you imagine it to be. Take it as something positive for your future right now that you can say you got through. As someone that has done exactly as I propose, with someone that changed along with me, and got though it… it isn’t something we say we got through, because it isn’t even thought about as an issue…like it never was…

This fact devastates me as my husband is a recovering sex addict. He hid it well for well over a decade. I didn’t know he ogled. Now knowing he did kills me and I’m not sure I can move forward with this relationship. We have four children. Such a tragedy.

Hi I’ve bought your book today at Amazon. I’ll be starting my journey tomorrow, took a break with my partner to know if things should be continued forward or that I really loved her not just lusting for her. It’s just a waste for our relationship if we still linger but hurting the both of us together

Hi I’ll try to call as soon as possible but I’m from the Philippines so it might be expensive to call from here. Do you have skype or something? Can you please email me how much for the rates of sessions? Cause I really want to heal from this addictions, I want to see my partner real bad, too much addiction cannot help me appreciate and build intimacy with her. It’s destroying both of us.

Hi! I want to know if stopping pornography and sexual addictions would enable me to stop looking at women properly? I keep hurting my partner with looking and secretive viewing of pornography with associated masturbation. I watch them whenever I feel depressed, bored, or in pain due to relationship fights etc. etc. I use this as my escape mechanism in my life, I want to change. There is more to life not just sex, masturbation and pornography. I want to enjoy my life fully by engaging to develop my relationship with GOD, I know alot of people would disagree with me in this.

KL, Thanks for your comment, I believe that your questions about “looking” and sexualizing women would be answered by getting ahold of my book, “Breaking the Cycle,” and reading it. Also, our book, “A Couples Guide to Sexual Addiction,” could be a big help. You can get free samples of these books by going to the right hand sidebar here and clicking on the “Get Started Free” button. Let me know what you learn.

I love my boyfriend dearly. But I am so tired of his looking at every girl everywhere. He also watches porn everyday. He’s a sweet man but I’m tired of feeling like I’m not enough. Been together almost 2 years. Should I stay with him? He just calls me jealous and says I should just let him be a man. Hmm. It discourages me a lot.

Amber, See if you can get your boyfriend to read my book, “Breaking the Cycle” or our couples book, “A Couple’s Guide to Sexual Addiction.” If he won’t…..move on. Life with a practicing sex addict is NO life.

I am “that” guy and I hate it. All these points are correct and although I will never go further than ‘ogling’, my behaviour is wrong. As such my doctor will not refer me for specialist counselling/therapy and I cannot afford to fund it myself. The best I can manage is telling my closest friends and colleagues about it and requesting they tell me when I’m being inappropriate. Good on them for agreeing to help but it’s not really their job to do so, I wish I didn’t have to ask this of them.

I been married two years, 3 months and within two weeks of marriage, my great husband started staring at ladies. He stared so much at married ones, their husbands was upset. Then he advanced himself to churches, young teen girls, always looking at butts first. I have cried for the two years each day when he does it from being with him . He refuse to acknowledge it, he says I am just jealousy of them. He has treated me like trash. A lady from church, took a interest in him and each Sunday/Wed she runs to him, calling his name, holding his hand, wiping his shirt with her other hand. He refuse to stop her. I am jealousy he says. This went on 8 months. We stop going to church to keep me from crying. He is up to 51 blondes, one black hair, one brown hair, all I have witness. He want stop. When he bend over to see a 16 yr old butt I lost it. He says he don’t see nothing wrong with it. I can’t go in public with him anymore. One of the days, he will be touching them in the butt or other places. He has excuses for all he does. His ex tells me he has always been selfish, self center and he is. Always thinking of himself.

Nancy, Your husband appears to be in denial. He needs a wake up call before big damage is done. My book, “Breaking the Cycle” might help….if he’ll read it. I’d be happy to talk to him about this behavior if you can get him to call. Best, George Collins, Director

Please help! My husband and I have been married for twelve years together fifteen. He has had a problem with looking at other women this whole time. We have had thousands of fights over this. I am truly about ready to leave him. He is a wonderful man and does a lot for me and my children but I can’t live like this anymore. He had a very abusive childhood. And once he mentioned to me that he has slept with over one hundred women(this I believe). I had always had a bad gut feeling even before we got married and now more times then not, I wish I would have never married my husband. The bad thing is he is fifty seven years old and truly believes he has no problem. In his mind it is me with the problem!

Sandy, Good to hear from you. You might want to get a hold of our book, “A Couples Guide to Sexual Addiction,” by Paldrom (my wife) and myself and my book, “Breaking the Cycle.” They’re game changers. Best, George

HI me and wife has been together for almost 5 years been married for only 1 year and ever since we got married a little bit later I started looking at outher women almost all the time cars, mirrors , public , family , friends pictures how can I stop iam hurting my wife very badly over this she even thought of leaving me over this guy’s please help I don’t want to lose my wife and everything we have together over this problem I have please help me fix it

Nash, Good to hear from you. We CAN help you. Look around the website here. Watch some videos. Get my best selling book, “Breaking the Cycle.” Email me a contact form from our website and I’ll send you the intro and first chapter for free. We work, via phone and Skype, with men from all over the world. If you want to get over this stuff, get in touch. We care and we’re here. Best, George Collins, Director

My husband is 13 mos into a sexual addiction recovery program. He has a polygraph in a few days, and we have disclosure shortly thereafter. A couple of days ago I stood inches away as I watched him repeatedly steal glances towards an attractive woman. He was oblivious and unaware that I was watching him watch her. He has been working on not ogling since about June with what appears to be progress. Until this “slip”. He said he wasn’t fantasizing/objectifying/undressing etc. but was trying to figure out her age and wondering about the book she was looking at. This seems like a lie, yet his polygraph so in a few days. I don’t know what to make of it.

For me, this behavior is a trigger, and when I catch myself indulging, I’ve started using the 2 second rule. I really liked what you said too about the object of my ogling is none of my business. He didn’t wear that tight shirt or those pants for me and I have no right to know or guess at what’s underneath them.
What I’m working to remember is that catching that behavior is an indicator that I need to dialog with the looker and find out how he’s trying to help me. Then redirect that energy to something constructive. Otherwise the script starts and obsession begins to set in.

Hi Daniel,
Good for you that you’re trying these “reminders.” There is a big difference between noticing an attractive person and looking at a sexual object. Relieve yourself of this burden of looking. Looker is indeed young–just help that part of you grow up.

Got linked here via Reddit and this post is particularly useful! I feel that I’ve had a problem with ogling in the past, with recent resurgence. However I am able to consciously curb this, often telling myself that ‘she is a woman, not an object for your desire’.

It has a complex series of reasons but I think I am beginning to overcome it. Great post!

I’m happy you found personal value in this brief article/blog. It really is a personal choice as to decide whether our behavior crosses the line so good for you for tracking this. There is a big difference between noticing an attractive person and looking at a sexual object. Keep up the good work!