The Stealth Halal Jihadist Turkey: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying And Love the Muslim Trojan Horse

American Muslim communities celebrating Thanksgiving with a traditional Turkey feast represents an encouraging sign of integration with American values and rituals.

But, of course, we Muslims fooled you.

Yet again.

You should have known that our baked, brined, and deep-fried masala turkeys were simply veiling our nefarious, anti-American plots to replace McDonald’s arches with minarets and convert the White House to the United Colors of Benetton House.

Pam Geller, our anti-Muslim Paul Revere

However, not all patriotic Americans were gullible and naïve! Nay, some America-holic crusaders, like bloggers Pam Geller and her fearless co-horts, called out our “stealth jihadist turkey plot!” Like modern-day Paul Reveres, they blogged, tweeted and mass mailed our ingenious plot “to submit unassuming Americans to Islam by feeding them halal Turkey” this holiday season. (Halal meat is slaughtered according to Islamic custom, similar to Jewish Kosher laws.)

Our nation’s Cassandra, Pam Geller – the preeminent anti-Muslim blogger and conspiracy theorist aficionado – believes President Obama is a Muslim, illegitimate son of Malcolm X who once went to Pakistan for drugs and jihad. She also uncovered Arabic is not just a language, but actually a spearhead for anti-Americanism. Thanks to her, we discovered radical Islam has infiltrated our government, which is secretly being run by Islamic supremacists. She also accused Muslims of engaging in stealth cultural jihad by wearing their headscarves at Disneyland.

I guess the feathered, red wattled bird is out of the proverbial bag. There’s no reason to hide the secret any longer.

It’s true. The turkey is our new Trojan Horse.

After spending decades learning to cook and enjoy the famously-dry turkey, we Muslims decided to use the bird to launch our turkey jihad after successfully conquering it in our respective kitchens. We’ve evolved from creeping sharia into states to creeping cholesterol and obesity into American diets. After taking over all the street meat vendors in New York, the Islamization of the turkey bird was inevitable.

Turkey: The Greatest Weapon of Mass Distraction

The Turkey is our greatest weapon of distraction. Even more so than hummus, biryani, shwarmas, kebobs, naans, and Lupe Fiasco.

The fatty bird’s high levels of tryptophan act like a paralyzing agent, causing intense drowsiness and lethargy when Americans overeat on Thanksgiving Day. The ensuing food coma paves the way for The Muslim Agenda to stealthily accomplish its ambitious goal of radically transforming America into a radical Caliphate guided by Sharia law.

Across this great country, on Thanksgiving tables nationwide, infidel Americans are unwittingly going to be serving halal turkeys to their families this Thursday. Turkeys that are halal certified… [this] is just the opposite of what Thanksgiving represents: freedom and inclusiveness, neither of which are allowed for under that same Islamic law.

Blast her foresight and remarkable sleuthing skills!

In this land of religious freedom, tolerance and pluralism, it is utterly unacceptable – downright un-American, I say – to allow a diversity of slaughtering options for mass consumers! And allowing Turkeys to be slaughtered according to a religious custom similar to Jewish Kosher laws? Shudder the thought!

Indeed, it is more patriotic to consume a steroid-pumped, undernourished, traumatized turkey hurled onto a mechanical conveyor belt – along with thousands of its gobbling brethren – awaiting its rapture under the guillotine of economic efficiency and other profit-maximizing instruments of death.

That, my friends, is truly the American way!

Muslims, we’re like the Green Bay Packers

But, even American superheroes like Pamela Geller can’t stop our momentum. Muslims are like the current Green Bay Packers of fifth-column, culinary stealth jihadists– we’re on a hot streak!

First, we infiltrated America by creating a hot, Lebanese American beauty pageant named Rima Fakih who won Miss USA and stole the tiara from the infidels. Then, we installed a biracial man with Kenyan roots in the Oval Office, who happens to be a practicing Christian that celebrates Easter, accepts Christ as his savior, and has yet to step foot in a mosque during his three years as President. Moreover, he drinks alcohol and publicly eats bacon. Indeed, the hallmark traits of a Muslim President.

Most recently, we have invaded mainstream American television sets with our very own reality TV show, TLC’s All American Muslim. Move over Kim, Paris and Snookie, Arab-American Muslim Shadia is creeping to take over your botox and photoshopped US Weekly covers. According to Pamela Geller’s Justice League of Islamophobes, TLC’s real intention in creating the show is to force “submission to Islam through the hijab.” (Our clandestine plots foiled yet again!)

Halal Turkey Victory: The Icing on the Cake

But this latest victory is the icing on the cake, or I should say, the honey on the kanafeh. Ha!

Who was our mighty warrior leading us to victory, you ask? Our Alexander? Our Achilles? Our Obama? Our Aaron Rogers? The Trojan horse of our stealth victory was none other than the Thanksgiving turkey.

In fact, we’ve been so successful at integrating, we’ve inspired the mega corporation Butterball to become our preeminent stealth jihadist and unleash stealth halal turkeys on unsuspecting Americans and citizens abroad.

After all, what’s more anti-American than introducing a uniquely American bird, Turkey, to new global consumer markets thereby promoting American products, advertising brand names, and stimulating the national economy? That’s downright Communistic!

But, even this is too much for Geller, who is asking for Butterball to be held accountable for allegedly serving Americans unlabeled halal meat. She has created the “Boycott Butterball Turkey” Facebook page.

Even fellow American Muslims are upset! All this time they could’ve purchased turkey at affordable prices from their local supermarkets instead of shelling out extra money for halal-certified birds from their community butchers! How come no one told the rest of them about Butterball’s ingenious stealth halal turkey jihadist plan?

(We have to keep them in the dark. We can’t afford to activate all of our of culinary stealth jihadists at once. Most of them have to live as if they are actually moderate, peaceful, loyal, normal Americans going about their day to day lives dealing with real problems and concerns that are shared by their neighbors, friends and co-workers. Lateral thinking.)

The Muslim Agenda Fortune Cookie

If you’re lucky, you’ll find The Protocols of the Elders of Mecca (or, “The Muslim Agenda”) stuffed in your Butterball turkey this holiday season. It outlines the plans for our next American cultural takeovers. If you look closely, deep inside your Butterball turkeys, there will be leaked cell phone photos of a circumcised Easter Bunny praying towards Mecca right before he hands out Kosher eggs and crescent-shaped chocolates to kids from his Easter basket, which we imported from China.

Apparently he’s also developed an insatiable sexual urge for white female rabbits and has started his own “Hare’s Harem.” Rumor has it he’s been fasting during Ramadan and partying like it was Mardi Gras during Lent.

And, wait until you see what we have in store for Christmas! Red-nosed camels and a Santa Claus named Abu Qhlaws: a hairy, overweight Moroccan man with a bushy beard giving chicken tagine to school kids in the malls.

There’s a rumor that American Muslim families will be giving snickers and tandoori chicken pieces for Halloween. Trick or Treat?

We’ve successfully brainwashed the Tooth Fairy as well. She now wears a burqa and was forced to marry Imam Rumpelstiltskin (Come on, that wasn’t a shocker, right?). Instead of replacing children’s teeth with coins, she now places small Qurans published in Saudi Arabia under their bedroom pillows. She also sprinkles fairy dust on the children, consisting of turmeric and zaatar.

The battle of the absurd, paranoid, and demented is thankfully yearlong and not contained to seasonal limitations. This Thanksgiving, however, please do enjoy your Turkey, whether it be kosher, halal, vegan, vegetarian, American or even foreign.

To appease Pamela Geller and company, just please make sure your dead, cooked bird is tasty, America-holic and not a radical, stealth agent of jihad. Just to be safe, stab the bird a few times Pulp Fiction-style with the baster. Because, after all, you can never really know and you can never really be too sure.

Wajahat Ali is a playwright, attorney, journalist and humorist. He blogs at Goatmilk and is the author of the award-winning Domestic Crusaders. He will be basting his halal turkey in America-holic juices this Thanksgiving.

BEST ARTICLE EVER. period. I love you!!!!! Thank you so much for writing this. I love your style and for that (and since I agree with every singly thing you wrote), I am checking out your other work on your blog! Keep it up! 🙂

//Samira 24 November 2011 at 11:19 am

I love the sarcasm

//Elle 24 November 2011 at 12:08 pm

“Just to be safe, stab the bird a few times Pulp Fiction-style with the baster.” I lol’d. XD

//Spades 24 November 2011 at 2:46 pm

Fun, but I think the Cassandra reference is a mistake. Cassandra told the truth but wasn’t listened to. Geller lies and gets people to believe her.

//Gene Stowe 24 November 2011 at 3:39 pm

I dont want to burst the bubble… but no one should be celebrating a genocide like that of the native tribes of America

Especially Muslims!! Whos two prescribed celebrations are Eid-ul-fitr and Eid-ul-adha.

Do you know the histroy of thanksgiving?

(The real histoy not the hollywood version)

//Dua 25 November 2011 at 7:44 am

Dua

I kno but lets face it muslims only celebrate the spirit of eating on turkey dsy

//Elle 25 November 2011 at 11:16 am

Dua, the idea that the pilgrims were celebrating a massacre of the indians is a canard, if that is what you are getting at.

Similar to the smallpox blanket canard.

//anon 25 November 2011 at 6:37 pm

little tiger,

sup? what, you always say you hate my sarcasm. anyways i don’t get it, so is this Rima Fakih a true muslim? i don’t think she is dressed correctly, 40 lashes. wait it looks like she is a shiite too. better make that 80.

salim,

i wonder if her father is proud of her? whatever you do don’t google image her. she’s in a bikini! i can’t control myself. my god the horror.

i think i’ll follow the example i see from muslims sueing employers. it looks like both kosher and halal laws are bigoted against non-jews and non-muslims. i think i’ll go apply for a job at a kosher or halal food processor and see if they refuse me employment based on my religion, or lack there of. i smell a payday.

“Rabbis usually require the slaughterer, known within Judaism as a shochet, to also be a pious Jew of good character and an observer of the Shabbat. In smaller communities, the shochet was often the town rabbi, or a rabbi from a local synagogue, but large slaughterhouses usually employ a full-time shochet if they intend to sell kosher meat.”

“The slaughter itself must be done by a sane (mentally competent) adult Muslim, Jew, or Christian as they are considered “People of the Book” (Arabic: Ahl al-Kitāb‎); this is a point of consensus amongst Muslim scholars. They differed however concerning whether Sabians and Zoroastrians are also included under People of the Book as stated in Surah Al-Maa’idah, Ayat 5. Modern authors have proposed that Christians aren’t included in this dispensation, due to the Paulian doctrine of the Trinity.”

I left the christian ‘church’ years ago because it grieved me to hear them always speak of God as if he were a monster…………………. I have asked questions of people I know that are good people and do still go to the ‘church’ it is no better. Many people of the ‘church’ today are certainly not people of the book nor sane so one would not consider them to do the slaughter of meat that would be edible.
I have started reading the Quran and have connected to a few people willing to help me gain an understanding, I no longer eat pork, I enjoyed pork, I resisted my suspicions when unable to find anywhere in the bible this claim they have that Jesus made pork okay for ‘christians’ to eat…I liked sausage and pulled pork, so I continued to eat it…….. The first time I picked up the Quran, there it was….. pork is forbidden. Wow !… with all the many blessings God has given to me, this is such a little thing he asks, okay, now I understand so I am responsible….. I no longer eat pork, I may become aware of more reasons in the future, but for me, it is enough that it is a request from God.

//catt 27 November 2011 at 10:39 pm

Alas, Catt, God is just as much a monster in Islam as he may be in a church. There are many churches, if you don’t like one go to another.