Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Source of Slumping Offense Discovered

Though it took some time to get to the bottom of the problem, the source of the slumping offense was finally discovered late Monday evening by a clubhouse attendant.

"Earlier in the season the front office decided that we were spending too much money on clubhouse snacks. To help supplement Soriano's contract they decided to go with a generic brand of sunflower seeds."

Though the cost of the generic brand of sunflower seeds saved the Yankees at least one of Soriano's opt out clauses, it came with some severe side effects.

"Every time the guys would eat them, they'd become overly relaxed and tired. Lethargic, and uninspired, kind of the way you've seen them at the plate of late. And that's when I thought to look at the sunflower seed packages." Explained the clubhouse source.

What he found still surprises the Yankees.

"I read the package and it says on it 'May have been processed on machinery that also processes muscle relaxants. Sorry.' When I opened up the pack, I'm pretty sure there were muscle relaxant pills interspersed with sunflower seeds."

"I thought it was strange that my sunflower seeds had numbers and letters written on them." Explained Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira. "But if you don't eat them, what else will you eat?"