sigh

it used to be that when i was feeling down, id go for a run and things would do a 360.
nowadays, running just makes me sadder. i dont know. its like theres this huge cloud hanging over everything i do. but i dont think im depressed beause im fully functional. i go through the motions of everyday life just fine. and when im around people i put on a happy go luck face that fools myself into thinking im okay. but then when its over and done with i realize it wasnt real.
im eating right, excercising... doing everything one should be. why do i feel this way? lately the only thing that helps is my photography. in the darkroom its comforting. but it cant be dark forever, and when you leave its back to the "real world".
i try, honestly i do. and sometimes i can make it through without even thinking about it. sometimes its even bearable. but then... well last weekend, it got too much, and i had alcohol. and i got drunk, and forgot. and it felt good. but it felt bad all at the same time. and i dont know what to do anymore. my parents found me in my room, apparently i was screaming/crying out real loud, and had thrown up all over the place. i remember everything from then onwards and from before, but not the screaming and throwing up bit. and then i realized thats what it must feel like to be dead. and it just seems so tempting. i mean to not remember, to have no recollection whatsoever. not be faced with a million issues- global and personal. why do we put up with everything when theres a way out?
the only thing that keeps me going is hope. i hate it. i hate how i still think things will get better. i hate how no matter what theres something inside that wont give into this fully. and the hope, well it always ends in dissapointment. and i dont have the strength to deal with that anymore. i dont want to... i dont know. hm...

Hi Nicola. Yeah I lost the ability to enjoy running (along with everything else) when I was depressed, too. Not being able to exercise sucessfully compounds the misery, and it makes you worse. But you mustn't beat yourself up about it. If you're depressed, you're ill, and if you're ill, you can't train. It's as simple as that. The important thing is that you are seeking treatment for the depression. Are you taking antidepressants or getting counselling for your problems? If not, you should seriously consider it.

well im not taking any anti depressants or any medicine. and no one really knows how i feel... but the thing is, i mean its not serious right? because i dont feel down all the time. and its not like i cant carry on with my life, ive just lost interest alot. so i dont know. i guess this happens to everyone at some point. maybe it'll just go away by itself.

well im not taking any anti depressants or any medicine. and no one really knows how i feel... but the thing is, i mean its not serious right? because i dont feel down all the time. and its not like i cant carry on with my life, ive just lost interest alot. so i dont know. i guess this happens to everyone at some point. maybe it'll just go away by itself.

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I personally think you would benifit from therapy and and medications, with a lot od depression after you are depressed for a certain amount of time it causes a chemical imbalance in your brain where you really almost need anti-depressants to level it out so you can start feeling better again and as for no one knowing, first step to getting better and feeling better is admitting you have a problem and talk about it with a therapist.

I agree with Carolyn. Just because there are people out there who are worse off than you, doesn't mean you're not deserving of help too. I wish someone had told me that, because I left it until it was almost too late, and wasted years of my life struggling on despite having what I now recognise as a treatable physical illness. You owe it to yourself - don't just struggle on despite how you feel: get the help that you need and deserve and be the best that you can be.