As a category 4 cyclone crosses the Queensland coast with winds of up to 263kmh causing destruction in several towns along the coast, the attending media, all vying to outdo each other with a scoop are heard to say:

“Is there any wind?”

“Is there any rain?”

“How secure is your home?”

“How many cyclones have you lived through?”

Reporters telling people to remain inside their houses while they remain outside in the wind and weather of the category 4 cyclone with no personal protective equipment!

Has all the other news disappeared?

Have you experienced anything like this before? “No, we are from Norway!”

It has been often said “that marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” Nor is this blog going to give advice on marriage, but I was recently interested to read that Twitter users have shared their tips for a happy marriage with the hashtag #BeforeGettingMarried, which rocketed to the top of the social media site’s trending list on Tuesday.

Thousands of suggestions – both humorous and wise – poured in, covering all elements of marriage, from money, to religion, and the dreaded in-laws.

Some users joked the jarringly honest responses, many of which simply said “don’t do it!”, were enough to scare them off marriage for life.

“Don’t try to change them”, “don’t rush into it”, and “enjoy being single first” were common refrains, while some offered tongue-in-cheek suggestions like “sober up”.

It’s unsurprising the hashtag took off the way it did – in an era where divorce rates in some countries hover around 50 per cent and marriage is the topic of several reality television shows, people are desperate for guidance.

In it, de Botton reasoned there was no “right” person for anyone, but rather, suggested seeking out a “not overly wrong” person.

“The good news is that it doesn’t matter if we find we have married the wrong person,” de Botton wrote.

“We mustn’t abandon him or her, only the founding Romantic idea upon which the Western understanding of marriage has been based the last 250 years: that a perfect being exists who can meet all our needs and satisfy our every yearning.

“We need to swap the Romantic view for a tragic (and at points comedic) awareness that every human will frustrate, anger, annoy, madden and disappoint us – and we will (without any malice) do the same to them.”

Many of the tips shared under #BeforeGettingMarried echo de Botton’s sentiments and provide practical advice for making a marriage work despite the many challenges married couples will inevitably encounter.

Here are the responses, broken down across the five most common topics discussed.

Money

By far the most tweeted-about topic was marital finances. Should you combine bank accounts? Keep things separate? Start a secret savings account for when things inevitably turn sour?

While the jury was out on the best approach, there was agreement marriage is not a financial plan and both parties should be financially independent before saying ‘I do’.

Others went further and suggested setting up a solid plan for whose family you’ll spend the holidays with to ensure no Christmas crises in the future.

Shared values

Whether religiously, politically, ideologically, or even just culinary, most people urged those thinking of taking the plunge to first see if there were any major discrepancies between what they value and what their partner values.

Experience

Others urged the unwed to make the most of their freedom while they have it and to use their alone time to develop as a person.

Travel was up there as a necessary solo experience, as was being financially independent, having fun, spending time with friends and family and dating around before settling down.

The living situation

Nearly everyone agreed one of the best ways to test your compatibility with someone else was to live together.

If that’s not an option, many suggested travelling together to get a taste of some serious one-on-one time.

Epilogue

When I was in the Australian Army, one of the senior Warrant Officers cited, “It’s better to have loved and lost, than to ever have loved and married!”

Ask anyone who’s lived overseas and they can confirm Australians have a reputation for being loud and relaxed – as compared to Americans being loud and rude – despite living in a fairly scary environment. But life in Australia isn’t anything like Home and Away‘s Summer Bay or Neighbours’ Ramsay St, probably our two most famous cultural exports. Here is a breakdown of 11 common stereotypes about the way Australians live.

1. Everyone lives by the beach

It is true that around 80 per cent of Australians live within 50 kilometres of the coast line. But beachfront real estate is very expensive so tourists might be disappointed to find out we’re not all tanned, blond-haired surfers.

2. It’s hotter than hell

OK, we do get snow sometimes but, yes, it is disgustingly hot here. Most primary school kids try to convince their teachers there’s a rule that if it is over 40 degrees you can go home, though I’ve never heard of this being successful. It gets hot enough to brand yourself with a seat-belt and every year people try and cook eggs on the cement.

3. Australian are all rowdy

It probably doesn’t help our international reputation when Australians keep getting arrested overseas for doing “shoeys” and stripping down to their speedos – also referred to as budgie-smugglers. In the last year alone, the number of Australians arrested overseas increased by 23 per cent and the number of Aussie larrikins hospitalised increased by 15 per cent. Maybe part of the reason Australians party so hard when they go overseas is because nights out are expensive here and we have lockouts in New South Wales and Queensland, so travellers take too much advantage of freedom overseas. No, that’s bullshit, Australians just love a good time wherever they are – especially in Bali! Another reason people think we’re a nation of hard party goers is we sell wine in enormous plastic bags, known as goon sacks.

The Budgie Nine, arrested in Malaysia earlier this year for “international insult”. Photo: AP.

4. All Australians have pet kangaroos

We ride them to school. They are also found in the main street of large towns, including Sydney. We also have dingoes as guard dogs and wombats as house pets. Not koalas though; those things may look cute but they won’t hesitate to rip you to shreds. Then there are the vicious native drop bears!

5. We’re surrounded by dangerous animals

I was going to say this isn’t true but there were two venomous spiders in my house this week. It’s not only enormous spiders that seem like they’re trying to kill us, there are sharks, stingrays, crocodiles, insects, snakes, wasps, octopi and even killer birds, always waiting for unsuspecting victims.

6. We’re always eating brunch

Guilty – and if you agree with The Australian’s columnist Bernard Salt, our obsession with smashed avo is preventing us from buying houses. Sorry Bernard, but there are many other reasons why first-home buyers find it hard to break into the housing market and it’s unfair to lay the blame on the humble avocado.

Smashed avo should be our national dish. Photo: Kate Cox.

7. We always cook meat outside

We love doing a BBQ, but no Australian has ever said “put a shrimp on the barbie”. They’re prawns, mate.

8. We don’t wear shirts or shoes often enough

On any given day there is an Australian in a public place like an airport or shopping centre, wandering around barefoot without a care in the world. We don’t even get dressed properly when we vote.

Shorts, singlets and pluggers, mate! That’s the go.

Australians voting at Bondi. Photo: Edwina Pickles.

9. We don’t heat our houses properly

Or any other buildings really. Australians would prefer to put on an extra three layers and whinge about the cold than turn the heater on. Architects seem to forget that it does actually get cold here for three months of the year when they design huge, improperly insulated houses.

10. We abbreviate too many words

Once you start shortening all words, it’s totes difficult to stop. Arvo, brekkie, avo (smashed or not), Maccas, barbie, sanga, bickie, chuck a sickie, rego, bowlo, are all words that may not make sense outside the Great Southern Land.

11. We constantly change prime ministers

We do, it’s very exciting for political tragics but can also be confusing, and frustrating that we keep having unelected leaders. Unfortunately, we all too often give them a second try at it too! Traditionally, hospitals ask a patient who the current prime minister is after they’ve come to, but in Australia that test doesn’t help to prove there’s anything wrong with you – it’s too hard a question. We haven’t had a leadership spill for a year now so we may be due for another one…

A coffee shop has opened in Cardiff, Wales for people who hate mornings.

Grumpy Fuckers’ Coffee Shop opened its door yesterday and was overwhelmed by demand.

Manager Clive GrimGrits told WalesOnCraic: “I had to get up at 5am to get the bastard shop open. I hated it. Most people are still sleeping at that time. We opened the shop at 6am and by 7am, we’d already sold out of ‘Fuck You Frappuccinos’ as well as our ‘Piss Poor Tea’. Every fucker who came in had a face on them like a slapped arse so I closed the shop at 8am so I could go home and get some proper sleep like most people do.”

One customer said that she would visit the coffee shop again, despite everyone bumping into each other and not saying a word.

“It was perfect for me. I could just sit there, thinking how shit my life is and how I hated going to work. They guy next to me was asking whether they did any cooked breakfasts but the manager told him to fuck off and get a life. Everyone was grumpy, which was fine because we were all grumpy together.”

One became a cop and eventually was promoted to detective–shield number 2762.

The other fell into the life of a small-time crook, racking up at least 31 arrests before being sent away for a two-year stretch in state prison–inmate number 00R2807.

But for the brothers Lane, it wasn’t a case of their unique names sealing their fates.

“I went a totally separate route right from the start,” said Loser Lane, 41, a detective working in the 40th Precinct in the South Bronx of New York City.

Loser, a star student and athlete, went on scholarship to an elite prep school–Pomfret in Connecticut-and to Lafayette College in Pennsylvania. Then he joined the police force because “my mom really wanted me to do this.”

Winner Lane’s life has gone the other way. Now 44, Winner got out of jail in June after spending two years in Southport prison outside Elmira, N.Y., for breaking into a car. He sometimes lives in Camp LaGuardia, a homeless shelter in upstate New York, shuttling back and forth between the camp and the city, trying to get his life on track.

Why did he commit so many crimes?

“It’s just some situations I got in,” Winner said. “It wasn’t really for the need.” He declined to talk further about his trouble with the law.

The brothers rarely see each other now. Winner will call Loser when he’s short on money, but they’re no longer close.

“I’m a cop,” said Loser, who is known as Lou on the job. “And I have a way with me where I don’t tolerate a lot.”

It wasn’t always that way.

The Lane boys ran in the same circles growing up in Harlem’s Wagner Projects. Their names never aroused even curiosity, much less ridicule, from the kids in the neighborhood.

“When you’re young you don’t know that it’s a bad name, and by the time you hit grade school, everybody knows you. It was a regular thing,” Loser said.

The story of how Loser got his name is simple. On the day he was born, their father, Robert, asked his daughter Dinelda what to name the new baby.

“My dad comes home and asks my oldest sister what to name me, and she said, Well, we’ve got a Winner, why don’t we have a Loser?’ And there you go. That was it.”

Winner Lane said he’s not sure how he got his name. Because their father was a “baseball fanatic” and semi-pro player, Winner said he thinks his name “had to have something to do with baseball, but I’m not sure what.”

In any case, by adolescence the lives of Winner and Loser started down routes as divergent as their names.

Around the time Loser entered prep school on a scholarship, Winner began his descent into the criminal justice system.

He was first arrested at age 19, in September 1977, on a charge of recklessly causing physical injury. His first conviction came five years later, a burglary case on Long Island. A steady stream of arrests followed: domestic violence, car burglaries, trespassing, resisting arrest and at least nine arrests for jumping subway turnstiles.

In April 1999, he was arrested for breaking into a car – weeks after serving 135 days for another auto burglary. This time when he pleaded out, the judge gave Winner 1 1/2 to 3 years.

After graduating from college, where he played football and wrestled, Loser joined the New York Police Department in January 1984.

Ronnie Barker: We interrupt this website for a special bulletin: The Metropolitan Police today denied that prisoners in their custody are excessively pampered. This follows yesterday’s report that a man was hustled out of New Scotland Yard with an electric blanket over his head.

Ronnie Corbett: And we’ve just heard that a juggernaut of onions has shed its load all over the M-1. Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on.

Ronnie Barker: Following the dispute with the domestic servants’ union at Buckingham Palace today, the queen, a radiant figure in a white silk gown and crimson robe, swept down the main staircase and through the hall. She then dusted the cloak room and vacuumed the lounge.

Ronnie Corbett: After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he’s looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.

Ronnie Barker: The perfect crime was committed last night, when thieves broke into Scotland Yard and stole all the toilets. Police say they have absolutely nothing to go on.

Ronnie Corbett: And we’ve just heard that in the English Channel, a ship carrying red paint has collided with a ship carrying purple paint. It is believed that both crews have been marooned. And now, back to our regular programme.

Ronnie Barker: And now a sketch featuring Ronnie Corbett whose wife thinks he’s the salt of the earth. That’s why she keeps him in the cellar.

Ronnie Corbett: Good evening! It’s wonderful to be back with you again, isn’t it, Ronnie?

Ronnie Barker: Indeed it is. And in a packed programme tonight, I shall be having a word with a man who goes in for meditation, because he thinks it’s better than sitting around doing nothing.

Ronnie Corbett: And we’ll be talking to a car designer who’s crossed Toyota with Quasimodo and come up with The Hatchback of Notre Dame.

Ronnie Barker: And we had hoped to have been bringing you Arthur the Human Chameleon, but this afternoon, he crawled across a tartan rug and died of exhaustion. But first, the news: The House of Commons was sealed off today after police chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime Minister’s question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.

Ronnie Corbett: West Mercia police announced tonight that they wish to interview a man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable said they must wear their normal uniforms.

Ronnie Barker: Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of Fred “Chuckles” Jenkins, Britain’s oldest and unfunniest comedian. In tribute, the vicar read out one of Fred’s jokes, and the congregation had two minutes silence.

Ronnie Corbett: Latest on the bullion robbery: At Wansforth Police Station, a man who’s as deaf as a post, and doesn’t speak English, with a terrible stutter, bad breath and squeaky shoes, is not helping the police with their inquiries one little bit.

Ronnie Corbett: …in this wretched, dreadful old husk of a town – absolutely nowhere near Watford – I must make that clear, I wouldn’t want people ringing in complaining. No, no, it’s true… some of them are on the telephone now.

Ronnie Corbett: My wife and I had a bit of a fight, there was some high-spirited name calling, and I had stormed upstairs to fetch my birth certificate.

This Is Me

George Brown is a decorated soldier and health professional and 40 year veteran in the field of emergency nursing and paramedical practice, both military and civilian areas. He has senior management positions in the delivery of paramedical services. Opinions expressed in these columns are solely those of the author and should not be construed as being those of any organization to which he may be connected.

He was born in the UK of Scottish ancestry from Aberdeen and a member of the Clan MacDougall. He is a member of the Macedonian community in Newcastle, and speaks fluent Macedonian. While this may seem a contradiction, it is his wife who is Macedonian, and as a result he embraced the Macedonian language and the Orthodox faith.

His interests include aviation and digital photography, and he always enjoys the opportunity to combine the two. Navigate to his Flickr site to see recent additions to his photo library.