No Coast Bias

5 Ways Chris Hansen’s Investment Group Could’ve Convinced the NBA to Move the Kings to Seattle

On May 15th the NBA rejected a group of investors’ bid to move the Sacramento Kings to Seattle, Washington, the home of the one-time Seattle Supersonics. The team, the league’s Board of Governors (*Author’s note: this is the part where I started imagining Marc Cuban wearing a powdered wig and shouting out “Nay, good sir! Nay!” during an antiquated voting scenario. Board of Governors? They shouldn’t be allowed have such an awesomely old school name without wearing black robes and wigs worn by the Whigs. Your move, David Stern.) ruled on Wednesday, would be staying right where they are.

This comes on the heels of the Seattle group’s latest attempts to woo the oft-times waffling Maloof brothers, the current owners of the Kings, with another fat valuation increase that saw the potential northern invaders offering up an additional 50 million in cash for the team; a kind of financial middle finger to the league for rejecting their initial proposal. A kind of, “oh, you don’t think we want the team bad enough? He’s another 50 large to calm your nerves.” Or as Chris Rock playing a the ghost of a black guy trapped inside a living white guy’s body once said, “Shut up before I crush you with my wallet.”

So why did the NBA reject the offer from the Seattle investors? It certainly wasn’t money. Maybe it was something else. Something less in the public eye. After all, the cliché mongers say, it’s the little things that count, right?

That got me thinking. What could the Seattle billionaires have done differently? What could they have used to sweeten the pot, to entice the all-powerful Board of Governors to appease their request and return a franchise to the once-great basketball city of Seattle? Here’s a few ideas that I firmly believe would have let the Board of Governors know they really meant business. Had they utilized these options, I think we’d be discussing what to call the newly purchased Seattle Kingersonics and talking about the ramifications of another team headed further north on the west coast.

1. Make every night a Detlef Schrempf bobblehead night.

Say his name. Go ahead. Try it. You’ll sound like Elmer Fudd after his fourth keg stand. That name will gloriously roll off your lisping lips and crash-land onto someone’s ears with all the grace of a Kamikaze airplane. Detlef needs to be remembered. Not for the 13.9 career scoring average, or even his delectable cocktail of ‘80s hair (*Author’s note: Two shots flat-top, one shot military buzzcut, two shots mullet. Mix in a blender and pour over goofy whiteness. Enjoy!). No, Detlef needs to be remembered as a Seattle Supersonic. A team and a place where a guy who looks like this can get his own Taco Trading card. (*Author’s note: how did I NOT know there were taco trading cards?!?!?!?!?!?!?!)

2. Get Sir Mix-a-Lot on board as a minority owner.

(*Author’s note: no, not that kind of minority. Racists.)

Seattle doesn’t have much of a hip-hop past. I checked Wikepedia and there really wasn’t much. So who should the Seattle investors have rolled out as their rap-game mogul that wanted in on the action? Look no further than Mix-a-Lot. Yeah, I understand we’re all completely sick to death of hearing morons do karaoke impressions of “Baby Got Back.” But Sir Mix-a-Lot had a ton of other hits, right? Right?!?! Well I still love this song, and besides, who can’t picture Boogie Cousins, Jimmer Fredette, and John Salmons all doing the “jump on it” dance at the start of the second half?

3. Hire Shawn Kemp as the team life coach. Then have the team do the exact opposite of everything he tells them.

The team could air these little segments called, “It’s Reigning Men”, on the team’s big screen during halftime of the games. Who could say no to that? Plus, Shawn Kemps 18 kids need the money. Here’s one guy who we know not only had a taco trading card, he probably used that taco trading card to buy a few 6 Pack and 6 Pounds meals.

4. I’ve said it once, I’ve said it twice, I’ve said it fiftyleven times. Get Phil Jackson on board with the team in some capacity.

How hard could it be to get Phil, his bong, and his motorcycle collection to a place that has legalized weed, a salivating (*Author’s note: or on Salvia) fan base and long stretches of isolated coastline to ride on? He’d be in faster than you could hotbox a hookah tent.

5. And speaking of legalized marijuana. . .

Pot brownie concession stands. Think of all the revenue that would generate? Sure it’s a nightmare for the league’s image. Sure Boogie Cousins would be spotted during 30-second timeouts hammering down a gigantic brownie loaded with canibus, but if you think people spend a lot of money at the concession stand now? Wait until they’ve gotten stricken with the munchies and their team is down 23 in the 4th quarter.

In short, the Seattle guys totally botched this one. Thankfully, in about 15 minutes the Pelicans, Bobcats, and any other terribly-run organization will probably be looking to pack up and ship out. Hold onto your money, boys. And next time, call me when you’re getting ready to do the negotiations.