Trump Tests Negative For Empathy

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has tested negative for empathy, the White House doctor confirmed on Monday.

In an official statement, Dr. Sean Conley said that Trump submitted to the empathy test even though, in the physician’s opinion, “it was not really necessary.”

“I expected him to test negative,” Conley said. “Empathy-wise, he has been entirely asymptomatic.”

The White House doctor attributed Trump’s empathy-free status to his established practice of social distancing from anyone showing even the faintest sign of compassion, kindness, or humanity.

“At the first indication that someone is about to open his or her mouth to emit an expression of concern for others, he is careful to move as far away from that person as possible,” the physician said.

Instead, Conley said, Trump has been spending time exclusively with people who have also tested negative for empathy, such as Stephen Miller, Mitch McConnell, and all of the adult Trump children except Tiffany.

Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.