Monday, May 21, 2007

Government, mules: "Rep. Ken Kennedy, D-Greeleyville, said if the marsh tacky was going to be recognized as part of the state's heritage, then the mule should also be noted. He proposed an amendment to recognize the mule as the official work animal of South Carolina."

Maybe he should've checked that out first: "Conservatives in Action, a Greenville-based organization, has produced a television commercial opposing [State Appeals Court Judge Don] Beatty's selection … When asked Saturday whether Beatty had made any rulings that concerned his group, [Conservatives in Action spokesman] Matney said he would have to look at the group's research to see whether any of his decisions raised a red flag."

Eet mor donkee: "At the South Carolina Republican Party State Convention Saturday, Gov. Mark Sanford likened the party candidates to Chick-fil-A franchisees….He stressed unity and the absence of conflicting signals, the same principles that allow a Chick-fil-A sandwich to taste the same in Texas as it does in South Carolina."

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NEWS FLASH – BELDAR RETURNS!

May 21, 2007 – Beldar of Remulak has returned! And, he’s assimilated the body of the half-human creature formerly known as sic(k) williefolks. He can be recognized by his total lack of ethics, his constant rumormongering, his fat shiny head and his pudgy bloated face.

Beldar has never been known for being fashion conscious and may be wearing a crew neck white t-shirt when a vee neck would make more fashion sense.

BELIEVEITNOT.NEWS located Beldar recently in the Vista consuming mass quantities of fermented beverages in his attempt to build up his empty beer can collection for a duel with Boss Hogg. He invited us to join him as he drank a six pack – all at once.

In an exclusive to BELIEVEITNOT.NEWS Beldar said, “My return to Earth was prompted by U.S. immigration reform. In light of my previous illegal status I will apply for a Z Visa. I desire Temporary Worker status so I can continue to spread slimy false rumors, sling mud and attack those who do not believe in the Remulak Platform.”

When asked about other family members who came here with him in 1993 for world domination, he responded, “They are “Remulakians In Name Only!” True Remulakians, like me, never give up on world domination. True Remulakians never stop spreading gossip and lies and attacking those who don’t agree with the Remulakian Platform!”

Beldar has started his own Midland’s area political consulting firm, ViewRemulak. He is pictured here holding a list of his paying clients as he sucks on a lemon seed.

May 22, 2006 – In his second exclusive interview since his return to Earth in the assimilated body of the former half-human sic(k) williefolks, Beldar of Remulak has announced he is a candidate for S.C. Supreme Court Justice.

Making the announcement from his Red Bank pig farm, Beldar told BELIEVEITNOT.NEWS that he was inspired to announce after reading there are no minority judges on the Court.

When asked what his qualifications are Beldar said, “I am a real Remulakian! You will elect me! The other candidates are Remulakians In Name Only.” When told there are no other Remulakian candidates, Beldar belched and seemed confused and angry.

“I am starting late and have a lot of catching up to do,” he explained, “and, I have to overcome the stigma of deceit, deception and moral corruption earned over the years by my half-human former self, sic(k) willie.”

When asked how he would overcome that he responded, “It is impossible! So, the staff of my imaginary political consulting firm, ViewRemulak, is working hard to spread slimy rumors about the other candidates and to buy as many votes as possible.”

Beldar plans to visit the State House Wednesday. When asked about his plans after the vote Beldar responded, “I will consume mass quantities of fermented beverage in the Vista until I make an even bigger fool of myself, puke or pass out. Developing…