Loud NOISES!

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

You know that most of you broads are ruining Tinder, right? It was invented so people could get their fuck on and you guys changed the damn rules and it ain't cool! Knock it off! Seriously, be an adult and screw if you wanna screw and if you don't, don't. But you're a free, grown woman who can decide what she wants to do at any given point. Want a real boyfriend? Go to eHarmony. If you're taking me too seriously, get lost. I'm way to bold for you, son. 500 characters limits you so... Here are several ads I thought might be funny to post. Alas, not many of you bitches get my inordinately crude humor. Those that do..... Find me, take me, love me. PLEASE! You're so rare! Enough. Dig this tripe I tried on Tinder. Some worked well, most ran stuffy broads off.

1. Hello! I'm a bad, bad, BAD man. I work hard, I'm tall @ 6'3", caring, funny and fun. I really want a relationship with one woman I adore in every way, but I'll be one of the few honest men - If you just want to get down, I'm not against the idea. I've recently learned the hard way that some women are just as bad as men and won't hesitate to use your heart to "get theirs." And frankly, it sucks. I'm open to all sorts of fun. Love to go see live music, dance my butt off, good coffee and adventure!

2. How's this for honesty? I'm a jerk. I mean I'm super nice and all, but I am a jerk. I still get with lots of women because I'm genuinely uber sweet, kind, well mannered, charming and ultimately, fantastic in bed. Unless they're all lying which is entirely possible. I'm not too proud. What I really really want is to find the love of my life so I can quit being an asshole. I'm flawed like no tomorrow, but if given the chance, with the right woman, I will be perfect in every way, for her & her only.

3. Dear Diary,

The office was empty again. No leggy blondes, no little girls with slanted glasses, no neat dark dames with gangster's eyes.

I sat down at the desk, put my feet up, and watched the light fade. The "going home" sounds had died away. Outside the neon signs began to glare at one another across the boulevard. There was something to be done, but I don't know what. Whatever it was it would be useless. I'm all washed up in this town.

I was about to go back to stalking that bluebottle fly with a certain amount of earnestness when I sensed the slightest cough cut its way through the wing overs. I hadn't heard the knock and I had forgot to lock the office door again. Never mind the desk.

"How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough."

From the quiver in her voice, she sounded like a twist in trouble. From the looks, my kinda trouble.

"Ever think about ringing a guy up?"

"I don't think this is the kind of conversation we can have on the phone."

"No, they usually aren't."

I pushed that gut feeling way down deep and smoothed back the neck hair. She was starting to relax some herself. I opened the lower desk drawer and rummaged around, looking for some Chamomile Tea.

"I was fixing some hot tea. Would you like a cup?"

"Sure, unless you've got some Tanqueray that's not working."

...yeah, straight from the bottle.

"That's a honey of an anklet you've got there."

"There's a speed limit in this state, Mister. Fourty-five miles an hour."

"How fast was I going, officer?"

"I'd say around ninety."

"Suppose you get down off your motorcycle and give me a ticket."

"Suppose I let you off with a warning this time."

"Suppose it doesn't take."

"Suppose I have to whack you over the knuckles."

"Suppose I bust out crying and put my head down on your shoulder."

"Suppose you try making it a little colder."

"Damn. That tears it. I think we need ice."

We went downstairs to the little mom and pop store on the corner, the kind where the hair gel is right next to the cherry jello. I was a regular. The shelves were always packed with last year's prices and this year's dust. I picked up the ice. She picked up the tonic and the lime.

"Do you make your own breakfast, Mister?"

"Well, I squeeze a grapefruit now and again."

It got so quiet you could hear the temperature drop. Guess I was trying to too hard. Its rough getting anywhere with a dame like her. You get there fast and you get there alone -- or you got a trip for biscuits.

Later, I was upstairs thinking about the dame, and the way she looked at me, and I wanted to see her again, close - same chair, same perfume, same anklet - without that silly staircase between us.

Ah, you dumb mug. At least you're not dizzy with some bunny on the phone.

There's still time.

Well boys, see you in the funny papers.

Big

OK, that one is clearly too long. Sue me!

4. I pick you up. In my Kia Sorrento. There's candles burning in the car. You go, "Isn't that dangerous?" And I go, "Yeah, but I like danger!"

We drive to your favorite restaurant. We have a fantastic meal and a great time.

We leave the restaurant and find my car is on fire. You go, "OH MY GOD! Your car is on fire! Aren't you freaking out?" I whip out a bag of marshmallows and a stick and I go, "No, baby, I planned this."

And we kiss... In front of my burning car.

5. Hi! I'm just the next "jerk" on Tinder. Surely a wonderfully caring, charismatic, loyal, honest, intelligent, creative, ingenious, and loving man craving adventure, coffee, wine, dancing, silliness, wild food, hella cuddling, great sex, all with infinite laughter and love for ONE woman, that guy wouldn't be on Tinder, would he? I really want to try this "crack" that everyone keeps raving about. Want more laughs? Check out my other hilarious dating ads @ http://noiseybastid.blogspot.com/

Did not laugh? - left
Unable to pull the stick out yo butt? - left
Think every man wants just to hook up? - left (Truthfully, we do and any dude that says different - chronic masterbator.)
Think that even scum like me could actually be a great guy? - right
Funny, sexy, laughed at my lame jokes, smart, gorgeous, educated smart ass? - RIGHT.

And right now! Welcome to the dream Mrs. Perfect!

7. You wanna laugh? - right
You wanna get crazy and have an assload of fun? - right
You wanna change me in any way? - left
Uptight? - left
Right wing? - left
Not that bright? - left
Gold digging bitch? - right, wait, left
Completely awesome in every way and super hot? - UP!!
Get my jokes? - right

The next woman who says "not looking for a hook up" will get digitally punched right on the camel toe. Spare me! So dumb!

8. I have one simple wish. I want to have fun, with one woman, forever.

Still a kid who takes care of business like a man. When I grow up I want to be a corpse. Or a zombie. Avid religious? Beat it!

We are all free, American adults here so keep some perspective. Sometimes hookups happen. Sometimes hookups lead to epic love. Sometimes they are just one night of crazy fucking fun! Sometimes the slow simmer is just as fun. Pull the stick out yo ass and let's have some fun!

9. Take a good hard look at the my pictures. I'm the man you've been looking for, so grow a vagina and be bold enough to swipe right. I don't date chicks who ain't bold, ever.

10. Since most women, like most men, are full of shit, how about this... Let's just get together, drink or smoke out, shove awesome grub in our faces, laugh until we're in agony, crank the tunes, put on crazy ass colored lights, get naked and do horribly disgusting, yet awesome things to each other until we're in a steaming pile of filth cuddling under the covers until breakfast. And all at the same time. Then we can decide if there should be a second date... Or a wedding. Be bold bitch!

11. Lately my motto had been this:

If it's wet I drink it.
If it's dry I smoke it.
If it moves I fuck it.
And if I don't know what it does, I load it up on hurt truck.