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In honor of Valentine’s Day and all the cynical things it represents, I am going to share my best date cancellation story: I once had a guy cancel a date because he was being detained by military police. No lie.

Here’s the story:

Once upon a time I was stationed at the Defense Language Institute (DLI) in Monterey, California. And the earth was without form and void …

Like this

Hold on a second – that’s the wrong story. I’m sorry everyone! I need to go yell at the interns. Please stand by.

Insert smooth jazz here

Okay, now that I have the right script, where were we?

I believe we’ve already established where I was, so the next thing I should tell you about is when I was. When I arrived in the middle of the year 2000, DLI was what was called an “open post.” There were no guard stations and there were many easily accessible ways to come and go, in the form of both roads and walking paths. Many of us were more interested in the walking paths since we didn’t have cars. In fact, I had a particular favorite perpetually open gate in the border fence which was useful for greatly shortening my weekly grocery walk to Safeway.

Now, if you have a passing familiarity with military installations, you’re probably thinking, “Why would you go buy groceries? What was wrong with the chow hall?” Great question – I’ll tell you. I found dirty dishes in the “clean dishes” pile. Not once. Not twice. Three times. After the third strike, that was it – I started buying my own groceries. Plus the air being vented out of the chow hall always smelled like decaying food garbage and spoiled dairy, which wasn’t super comforting. I have to tell you, though – what I really didn’t understand was why more people didn’t buy their own food. Anyway – I digress.

When September 11, 2001 happened, the post virtually immediately went from open to closed. Very, VERY closed.

Do not enter

By mid-morning, all buildings were locked down. One entrance per building was guarded by active duty personnel and all other entrances were blocked. National guard units were mobilized and began arriving that evening. By the next morning, guards armed with M-16’s manned every post access point. The line of vehicles waiting to enter by the one open entrance stretched all the way down the hill and into downtown Monterey.

In short, it was absolute madness.

The one silver lining was that we were now perpetually in a state of “battle-readiness” which meant that we got to wear this uniform every day –

Comfortable AND functional!

and we got to skip the usual once-a-week dress-up day where we wore this –

After about a month of no successful or attempted terrorist attacks on our proud installation, they grudgingly agreed to open a second entrance. Now there were TWO WHOLE WAYS to get on and off post. Joy! Notably absent from our new, relaxed, anything-goes attitude toward post access was my favorite pedestrian gate that took a good 20 minutes each way off of my walk to Safeway. Bummer. Oh well. It’s not like I didn’t sign up for this.

Q: Didn’t you say this was a story about a cancelled date?

A: You know, a story is no good without a proper background.

Q: That doesn’t answer my question.

A: I’m getting there, okay? Patience!

One day in October, the unthinkable happened. Good unthinkable, that is. On my way home from class, one of my male Air Force compatriots named Vik fell in step next to me, started up a conversation, walked me back to my building, and then asked for my phone number. The next day, he called me and asked me out for that Friday night. With racing heart and fluttering stomach, I said yes!

I mean, up until this point I seriously thought that this sort of thing only happened in the movies. But it happened in real life!

No that’s not what happened but I really was THIS excited!

So Friday morning came and Friday afternoon came and finally FINALLY Friday evening came. About an hour before we were supposed to go out, I get a phone call.

Remember these?

“Hi – Athena? Yeah, it’s Vik. Listen, I won’t be able to take you out tonight. Jake(*) and I are being held at the guard shack until they can get ahold of the First Sergeant(**) so we’re going to be here awhile. I’m really sorry about this – I’ll make it up to you as soon as I can.”

Not quite sure what I was hearing, I thanked him for calling me and hung up the phone. I didn’t see him all weekend.

We had a Monday morning ritual called “formation.” It was called “formation” because all the Air Force personnel arranged themselves (i.e. formed up) into rows and columns in pre-determined groups. At 7:00 sharp we were called to attention (Flight – tenHUT), turned 90 degrees to the right in order to face the flag (right HACE), and ordered to salute (present ARMS) while reveille played.(***) After reveille finished, we were put back mostly the way we were (or-der ARMS, left HACE, pa-rade HEST).

For reference:

Attention

Present arms

Parade rest

From the left, the guide-on bearer and the formation commander began marching toward the middle platform in front of the assembled squadron. That was normal. What WASN’T normal was Vik and Jake marching behind them. They reached the middle and stopped. Plunk, went the flag, and the formation commander addressed us all in a booming voice – “SQUADRON! Ten-HUT!” First the low thunder of over a thousand pairs of boot heels snapping to attention, and then silence. The unnatural silence of over a thousand airmen at attention – not even the sound of breathing.

Again, from the left, the TSgt who usually addressed us every week began walking toward the platform in the middle. When she reached the middle, she called, “At ease!” Instantly, the sound of breathing and hushed chatter was all around. “Good morning!” came her chipper voice. For the next few minutes, she went over whatever communications were required that week, and then when she finished, she said, “And now Airman Jones and Airman Waverly would like a few minutes to talk to you all.”(****)

I see.

Picture your favorite articulate, intelligent, easygoing college professor calmly explaining a very important foundational concept in a conversational style to help the knowledge calmly settle into your mind, and you know exactly what Jake sounded like as he took the mike and explained to us all that it was very important to not jump the border fence and to only use the two post entrances that were open. He continued to explain that it was also important to listen to the guards when they tell you to stop. Vik then took over and added that the guards had M-16’s and that they were authorized to shoot if they thought they needed to.

Wow. Okay, then.

We gave them the obligatory round of applause and that was that.

Vik caught up with me later and explained that Friday after class, he was heading to Safeway to buy some flowers and things for dessert to “try to be all romantic.” He ran across Jake heading in the same direction, so they decided to go together. Upon seeing that the pedestrian gate was closed, Vik thought they should use the open gate, but Jake said, “Why?” There were no guards around, the fence was not that hard to climb, and it really was a big time saver if you’re walking to Safeway. Jake won. He went first. As Jake was climbing down the other side of the fence, the two patrolling guards saw from the nearby road.

“STOP!!! HANDS UP!!! DOWN ON THE GROUND!!!” Vik sensibly realized he had no other option, so he complied. Jake dropped to the ground and bolted. Well, wouldn’t you know – guards are equipped with radios as well as guns so within a few short minutes they had Jake, too. Shortly after they were taken to the guard shack, Vik did the polite thing and called to cancel our date.

Sometime between when the First Sergeant came to retrieve them and Monday morning it was decided that in addition to extra duty, Vik and Jake ought to address the squadron to help make sure no one else “embarrassed the squadron” like that again. So they did.

And that is the story of the date that got canceled because the guy was being detained by military police. At gunpoint, no less!

Not quite this bad. Almost, though.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

(*) Jake was another Air Force guy that I knew from my language class. He was a tall, strong, softspoken free spirit of a gentle giant. So he was a bad influence, of course, but he was a great guy so we all loved him.

(**) For those not familiar, the First Sergeant is a MSgt or above (E-7 – E-9) whom, among other things, deals with personnel issues. Such as when personnel are apprehended by guards, for example.

(***) Side note: after being jolted awake by reveille more times than I care to count, I have realized that anyone who has reveille as their ring tone is a sick fuck.

Last year, with the help of family and friends, I extricated myself from a physically and emotionally abusive marriage. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I understand that I’m lucky to have had relatives who were able to help me with legal fees and moving expenses (I’m on a payment plan and have repaid almost all of it by now), but now my family members make unreasonable demands for personal information about me, require I check in with them about decisions I’m making for myself, and have implied that I shouldn’t spend money on certain items (necessities like rent) until I’ve paid them back. They’ve gone so far as to repeatedly call and text me when I’m at work until I drop everything (even leaving meetings!) to answer whatever their questions may be. They make hurtful comments about how my past judgment was clearly not the best to have ended up in a relationship with an abuser and I can’t be trusted to make decisions for myself yet. They also say that I’m ungrateful, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve worked hard in therapy to understand how important boundaries are to recovering from past abuse, and this dynamic feels unhealthy for me. I’m hesitant, however, to be rude to family members who likely saved my life and seem to really be doing this out of a misplaced sense of caring. How do I balance my obligation to their generosity with my obligation to myself?

Dear Letter-writer:

I had a very similar situation when I lived with my parents after leaving my abusive husband. Suffice it to say, I had a terrible relationship with them when I was a teen and that parent-child dynamic was recreated for as long as I stayed with them. It was so bad with my parents that I actually went back to my husband because at least I was an adult in my own home when I lived with him. A miserable, desperate-to-be-treated-like-a-human-being adult, but an adult just the same. So don’t do that.

I agree with Prudence that you seem to have moved from one abusive situation to another. That’s really unfortunate, but I think that overall you are on the right path and there’s not much to be done about your situation right this second. You can try setting boundaries in the way Prudence suggests, but don’t be surprised if it doesn’t go well.

I hate to suggest this because it sounds so, so fucked up, but channel those skills that helped you keep your head down and bide your time before you left your husband. Use them here to de-escalate and evade. You mention that you’ve almost paid these people back, so you don’t have to do this for very long. Once you’ve paid them back, move on with a completely clear conscience. If necessary, cut them off completely.

These are people that appear to have bought into some of the myths about abusive relationships, such as the idea that any and all abusive situations can be avoided, and if you did get sucked in to a toxic marriage it’s because you have “bad judgment.” This is just a way of psychologically insulating themselves and reassuring themselves that what happened to you could never happen to them because they have “good judgment.” Once you get some distance from them, try to forgive them by thinking of them as people that simply have no clue. They have no idea how abusive dynamics work and that’s a good thing because they have experienced a version of the world that is closer to how it was meant to be.

But that doesn’t mean you have to listen to them.

I’m sure they mean well, but meaning well doesn’t magically make them not abusive. You can’t make them see how grateful you are, and you can’t make them see that they are treating you horribly. The only thing you can do is limit your exposure.

Dear Prudence:

We’ve had a string of (really) bad roommates, but recently a good friend moved in with us. He’s amazing. He makes delicious coffee for us every morning. He cleans up. He’s a great guy. He moved in with us because he just ended a five-year relationship with his fiancée. Since he’s recently single and my roommate, he’s very much off the table, but this past weekend we got drunk and hooked up. He confessed to me that he’s had a crush on me since the moment we met and that it’s hard not to kiss me every single day. I have a crush on him too.

We’ve talked and decided that this is a recipe for disaster, yet we can’t seem to stop flirting with each other. Is there any amicable solution here other than finding another new roommate?

Dear Letter-writer:

Wait – what? No! Honestly, you create more drama with the constant dance of we-shouldn’t-but-we-really-REALLY-want-to than you do by just going for it.

My questions for you right now are:

Who’s this “we”? If by “we” you mean yourself and a significant other, than you have some soul-searching to do on a much deeper level than wondering what to do about a roommate you hooked up with.

Do you actually like him or is he just someone available who happens to like you? I know you’ve known him for a while and he hasn’t been single until recently so it might be a difficult question to answer, but give it some thought and see what you come up with.

How compatible are you two and for which type(s) of relationships? A fuck buddy relationship? A friends with benefits relationship? A temporary dating relationship? A long-term relationship? Marriage and kids someday? What boundaries are you comfortable with and what expectations do you have?

The best way to handle this will depend on how you answer the above. I’ll be honest, I’m very biased in the “go for it!” direction, but I think if you sift through the questions I suggested, the right answer for the two of you will present itself.

After three lost pregnancies, my husband and I are expecting in June. We’re very excited! I’m normally a very affectionate person, but I’m having anxiety about the possibility of random strangers reaching out to touch my growing stomach. I think it’s terribly rude to touch someone in a vulnerable and sensitive place without asking, and I would never dream of doing it to another woman. If this happens, which I assume it will, how should I react that might get them to think twice about ever doing it again?

Dear Letter-writer:

Congratulations!

Seriously, though, why is touching pregnant women a thing? And who actually has this problem? I mean, I’ve heard from enough women who have suffered through having their pregnant bellies touched by strangers – clearly it happens to a lot of people, but I’ve been pregnant three times and never had anyone touch my belly.

What’s wrong with me that no one wanted to touch me? Do I look mean and scary? Do I give off an out-of-my-way vibe? I just think it’s ironic that I’m the one person who wouldn’t care about being touched, and yet I’m the one person it doesn’t happen to. Weird.

Dear Prudence:

My husband and I have been together for seven years now. We have a fantastic relationship except for one thing: We don’t know how to fight constructively. We don’t fight terribly often, but when we do, it goes a little something like this: One of us brings up something that upsets the other. The other takes it very personally and becomes defensive. A loud argument ensues. Feelings are hurt. One storms off to another room, and we ignore each other for a couple of days until we just quietly decide to act like nothing had happened. I know this is unhealthy, but he refuses to go to counseling because he says he’s already worked on changing himself, so now it’s my turn to work on changing. Until I do, he won’t even consider counseling. We’re at an impasse because I firmly believe I’ve tried to change my own behavior, and if it isn’t satisfactory, then the only thing left to try is counseling. And even though I will admit that he’s worked hard over the years to rein in his anger issues, I honestly don’t see any changes in the way he handles our arguments. Since we can’t seem to reach an agreement, counseling seems to be the only reasonable next step. He seems to think it is a waste of money and we need to figure this out on our own, but this clearly hasn’t happened.

What do I do? How do I convince him that counseling would help us sort out our feelings and give us better tools to argue without ruining several days on end? There are times when I feel so weary I want to throw in the towel, but I love him, and I made a vow for better or for worse.

Dear Letter-writer:

Oh boy. I feel you. My husband likewise disdains counseling, and what was really frustrating is that we were required to do some premarital counseling before our convalidation … and he completely wasted the opportunity. And yet, there’s a handful of issues that just keep coming up over and over and result in a big, blowout fight on average about once a year. It gets so ugly – mean things are said, and then he walks out and leaves me SO ANGRY. At one point we got as far as starting to hammer out the details of our divorce before he came to his senses. It’s just an awful feeling.

To answer your question – how can you convince him to go to counseling – I don’t know that you can. Here’s what I would suggest instead:

Go ahead and go to counseling alone, if only for the self-improvement aspect. I’ll be honest, he’s being a bully and fighting tooth and nail to avoid looking in the mirror. Because improving yourself is uncomfortable, so naturally the woman has to do it, amirite? At the very least, you owe yourself a better you.

Find a new hobby. Something that will fully occupy your time and attention next time you and your husband aren’t speaking to each other.

Now, those are just my suggestions to get by in the here and now. Do not treat these as a permanent solution. The purpose is to give you a bit more space and a bit less friction while you figure out the big picture. Do not treat these as a permanent solution. Got it? Good.

So what now? Well, you need to monitor what happens over time.

Does he improve over time? Generally, my husband and I don’t push the same hot buttons more than once. Or twice. We both work together to de-escalate and avoid the hot buttons when we find ourselves starting to get upset. We have worked together to get better at not fighting. Also, my husband does this thing where he will joke about some of the fucked up things we say to each other when we’re fighting – it sounds messed up, I know, but it helps make sure those awful fights have no power over us going forward. I don’t know what “improving” will look like for you, but that’s what it looks like for us.

Does he escalate over time? “Over time” is a relative word here, but if this is the pattern, get out. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Try a trial separation and tell him why. It may be a wake-up call for him and he may finally realize how serious this is. You will find out how much he is willing to do to keep you. If you do get back together, keep an eye on the overall pattern and make sure the situation is improving. It doesn’t have to be perfect, but it does have to be improving. If he continues to escalate after one trial separation, you will probably need to call it quits for good. No one should have to put up with this behavior, and if he continues to get worse it will only get more difficult for you to take care of yourself.

My background, in a nutshell – I was raised a conservative Catholic, I’m still Catholic, and I had a few very messy years in early adulthood. So I’m fairly familiar with conservative thought and Catholic apologetics, but I’ve had the experience of challenging a lot of my assumptions, sifting through to see what’s bullshit and what holds up. I’ve worked on seeing what works for me, what works for other people, what doesn’t seem to work for anyone, and occasionally what seems to work for most people.

Now, once you’ve established what’s true and good and beautiful at an individual level, you still have to decide what works for public policy. And while you have to keep in mind that the way you see the world is not the only way to see the world, I agree with Archbishop Chaput that “A healthy democracy depends on people of conviction working hard to advance their ideas in the public square – respectfully and peacefully, but vigorously and without apologies.” Unfortunately, this means that for many issues there is realistically no such thing as “live and let live.”

Meet the Perfectionist Conservative

When I say “perfectionist conservative” I am referring to the conservative that is shooting for the moon, social policy-wise. They want no same-sex marriage, no divorce, no birth control, no abortions, no sex outside of marriage, no single parents and NOTHING LESS IS ACCEPTABLE. They are unable to prioritize; they want it all at once. In no way does this represent all conservatives, but as Kayla Sue noted, there’s a bunch out there. So let me take you inside the mind of a perfectionist conservative, beginning with some baseline concepts:

Human nature – Human nature is corrupt. Without external constraints, humans will descend into ugliness. But we need people to behave to minimize the negative impact on innocents such as children. To get people to behave, we need to make the consequences of bad behavior unpleasant so people will not do those things. We also need to make unfortunate circumstances unpleasant so people will be sufficiently motivated to do something about it. Everything is seen through this punitive lens.

Feeding into this, I think, is the way many perfectionist conservatives were raised as children. Many will wax poetic about how their parents were successful at controlling their behavior with the constant threat of a spanking. For their own good, of course. So all they can conceive of for social policy is an environment of punitive control that should be put into place for everyone else’s good, too.

Theology of the Body – Shorthand for the grand unified theory of how our bodies relate to our souls, and based on that, how we should treat our bodies. Based on a series of talks by St. JPII. Note:It’s actually on my reading / blogging list because I keep getting referred back to this body of work in my struggles to understand and accept Catholic teaching on sex and birth control. Widely assumed that if everyone everywhere followed the guidance of Theology of the Body, various social issues would go away. Specifics include:

Sex – An acceptable activity only for married couples so that children have a safe place and stable household to grow up in. Leads to a lot of smug attitude from married conservatives, with an undercurrent of “nah nah ni boo boo” whenever they talk about how people shouldn’t be having sex if they’re not married. Also leads to a lot of hostility in abstinent single men who are being eaten alive with jealousy that other people are having more fun than they are. Anyone who has sex outside of marriage is a slave to lust and is party to an inherently abusive relationship, both with their own bodies and with the other person. Even if you have sex with your fiancée a half-hour before your wedding. Purity culture addendum: Men have sex because they “need” it; women have sex because they are trying to trick men into loving them. So women need to deny men the satisfaction of their “need” in order to wrest a commitment (i.e. marriage) out of them in order to satisfy their own need for love. It’s just the way men and women are; no use denying biology.

Birth control – Enables people to have sex outside of marriage without the “consequences” of children. Also enables married couples to continue to selfishly use each other for lustful purposes without the consequences of children. Note: All that being said, I have to think that the long-term effects of all of us dumping hormones into our bodies en masse cannot be benign. It would be nice if we collectively could maybe not assume that turning our bloodstreams into artificially-created hormone rivers is necessary and normal. It would also be nice if young women could go to the doctor for things unrelated to reproduction without being pressured into taking a prescription for birth control pills.

Marriage – the basis for the family, the building block of society. We need to encourage strong marriage … by making it supremely unpleasant to be in anything other than a monogamous, heterosexual marriage. And we need to make it difficult / impossible to divorce, because people only divorce for selfish reasons. Also, if people do “need” a divorce because of abuse, they need to prove it in court. Because abusers always leave a neat trail of evidence, and if they don’t then it’s not really abuse anyway. Also, abuse victims should be able to clearly and logically piece together their stories in a sequential fashion, because trauma isn’t a thing. If they can’t tell a clear, logical, sequential story in which they reacted to every stimulus like a “reasonable person,” it’s not because of the way trauma messes with your brain; it just means they are lying. Marriage is also a ticket out of poverty, and we will prove it by trotting out statistics of how middle class and rich people behave and make the logical leap that poor people can become like middle class and rich people by behaving like them, but only in ways that we care about, such as marriage. Note: No word on whether you can magically lift yourself out of poverty by buying a yacht and a vacation home in the Hamptons.

Family – the building block of society. We need to encourage strong families … by making it supremely unpleasant to be in anything other than a nuclear family.

Self-denial – Life is not about what you want and it is childish to use “but I want it” as an argument for anything. We need to be better than the animals and master self-denial and self-control. Note: A fair point, but too often used as a crutch. By itself carries no weight, even though it is often treated like it does.

Right to life – the foundation for every other human right. Liberty, bodily autonomy, equal protection under the law – none of those have any meaning without the right to life as an inviolable foundation. Touches a lot of specific issues, but for today we are only roping in:

Abortion – This is the only issue that is actually a matter of life and death.

Why the inability to prioritize?

You will notice that at the end of a very long section detailing the perfectionist conservative’s opinions on all the things that are wrong with society, there is one small sentence on abortion – the only issue that is actually a matter of life and death. But that’s not good enough for the perfectionist conservative – they want it all. At once. Right now.

I mentioned earlier that one of the defining characteristics of the perfectionist conservative is the seeming inability to prioritize one issue over another, and I think I see two reasons for this:

Cultural blend – not so long ago, American culture and Christianity were very intertwined. They still are, but not to the extent they used to be. Even so, this is why you see a lot of people falling back on Christian theology to explain their recommendations for social policy. They are unable to separate what every Christian optimally ought to practice with what you can reasonably expect people from a variety of backgrounds to conform to. So you ask the perfectionist conservative what his non-negotiables are for social policy and he says, “All of them.”

Perfect is the enemy of the good – the perfectionist conservative believes that ALL of their pet issues need to be addressed RIGHT NOW or any remaining permissiveness will once again rot society to the core. After all, with the very future of Western Civilization™ at stake, one simply cannot negotiate with terrorists. Note: I give them points for realizing that things are connected to causes, but then I take those points back away for refusing to listen to what actual problems and actual causes are.

In Part II we will talk about how the perfectionist conservative sees various social ills, how they want to fix them, where they are wrong, and where they are right.

Once upon a time, I went on a two-hour drive through rural Iowa with some classmates, and the girl who was driving taught us all how to play Cows and Graveyards.

Here’s how you play:

Divide the car into two teams: left side and right side. Note: It should be decided before the game begins which team gets the person sitting in the middle of the back seat. It is recommended that they be on the “left side” team, as the “left side” team includes the driver, who cannot really commit to playing since they are, you know, in charge of driving.

Each team watches their side of the car.

When you pass cows, count them. You must count them out loud, and you must stop counting when you can no longer see the cows. Cow totals are cumulative. For example, if you pass a herd of 15 cows and later pass a herd of 10 cows, you have a total of 25 cows.

When you pass a graveyard, all your cows “die” and you have to start over.

The winning team is the team with the most cows when you reach your destination.

It was a lot of fun! So naturally I taught my children how to play.

Good times, right? Wrong.

See, the problem I run into while driving through the Chicago suburbs is that there are no cows. There are plenty of graveyards, but no cows. So to make sure we had a playable game while driving to my parents’ house in Iowa, I made some … minor modifications.

General rule:

If you can see it, you can count it. All animals count – cows, horses, dogs, squirrels, birds, and even musk oxen. However, the unit of measurement is still the cow. So, for example, if you count five horses, two dogs, and three birds, you have ten “cows.”

Count modifiers:

Different things you see while driving will either add to or subtract from your total cow count.

Businesses:

Fast food: Some of your cows are hungry and stop to eat. -15 cows.

Gas station: Your cows are more energized. +10 cows.

Hotel: Your cows feel better after a good night’s sleep. +10 cows.

Starbucks: Your cows are more energized. And Mommy is in a better mood. +2 cows.

Wal-Mart: Save money. Live better. +3 cows.

Optional rule:

As a practical expedient while travelling on the highway, players may elect to use logos on blue highway signs (i.e. “Lodging next exit” or “Food next exit” signs) instead of looking for businesses from the road.

Catholic medical center: +110% bonus cows. THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU … to have more cows.

Churches:

Catholic church: +6 cows.

Any other church: +5 cows.

Note: Initially, passing a Protestant church required subtracting 2 cows for embarrassingly bad theology, but my 10-year-old protested, “Mommy, you’re not being very nice to people who believe differently than you.” Point taken.

Other landmarks:

Water tower: Some of your cows drown. -10 cows.

Community college or university annex: Yay for smart cows! +30% bonus cows.

Trains: +1 cow for every train car with graffiti.

Optional and proposed rules:

Optional rule:

When passing a graveyard, instead of all of your cows dying, a number of cows equal to the number of gravestones in the graveyard die. Useful for those small country graveyards with maybe 20 stones.

Proposed rule:

“Mommy, what about auto parts stores?” asked my 12-year-old. I don’t know – it seems like we should do something with auto parts stores, but I’m not sure what.

Proposed rule:

When crossing the Mississippi River, all your cows fall into the river and drown.

“NOOOOOO!”

Okay, fine: when crossing state lines, your cows are confused by the new surroundings and get lost. Lose 20% of your cows.

Proposed rule:

“Mommy, shouldn’t we get +10 cows for passing a barn because the cows are rested?” You currently have almost 200 cows – clearly you are doing fine. Why are you lobbying for more? “I don’t know. Just ‘cuz.”

The following rule is optional, but if adopted, it must be wholly adopted. Partial adoption is disallowed.

When approaching a barn, barn-like structure, or a cluster of barns or barn-like structures, if cows are visible from the road, players may elect to either: 1) count all the cows they can see (consistent with the rest of the rules); or 2) use the 10-cows-per-structure practical expedient. Before passing each newly-sighted barn, barn-like structure, or cluster of barns or barn-like structures, one option or the other must be verbally elected.

For each green highway sign (mile-markers and exit signs don’t count), one of your cows stops to read the sign. Lose that cow.

(And this is how you know your mother is a CPA.)

(P.S. The above proposed rule was NOT adopted in my car. I can’t imagine why.)

Obviously, you can do whatever you want with this. If you’re an atheist parent, for example, you may want to flip around the bonuses for the medical centers, or subtract 5 cows for ANY type of church you pass. Whatever makes it fun!

It’s crunch time for me at work right now, so unfortunately two things have happened:

I’ve been quieter than I would prefer

I haven’t been reading all your posts with any sort of consistency

Now, #1 isn’t so bad – it’s a big, wide internet with TONS of great things to read. But I feel kinda bad about #2 – I follow so. many. amazing bloggers, and you all deserve to be read and discussed by as many people as possible. I haven’t been able to make my usual contribution to your traffic and for that I apologize.

Moving on – depending on how long we have known each other, you may remember my deadline song from last year. Here it is again (below) for anyone out there that is buried under too much work and needs a little tune to hum; crowdsourcing request for improvements is still open. If we’re newly acquainted, enjoy!

Deadlines never bothered me anyway
(to the tune of Let it Go)

The lights are on in the office tonightNot another soul aroundWith stacks of my workpapersOn my desk and on the ground

Well, technically I haven’t forgotten it yet this year, but most years I do indeed forget my birthday.

If a robot sings Happy Birthday on Mars and there’s no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?

So.

For people that don’t forget their birthdays and want to celebrate, there is apparently a group of killjoys roaming the earth that would ban self-hosted or self-organized birthday merrymaking:

“But modern Western culture is predominated by a belief that the individual is owed recognition, accolades, respect, honor and gifts for reaching certain life milestones and if friends and family won’t do it, then they feel justified in taking matters into their own hands to make sure they are sufficiently and deservedly honored. Humility is a dying character trait.”

Or … people like excuses to party and a birthday provides the perfect excuse. Using one’s own birthday as an excuse to party is not inherently honoring oneself, because that’s not how birthday parties work anymore. Birthdays are fantastic excuses to drop everything and party – just by virtue of the fact that there are 365 possible days a year for people to have birthdays and only around 10 or so of those days are official holidays, there’s a good chance that any given person’s birthday falls between established holidays. It’s a nice deviation in the routine and a break from reality. Similar to how a beloved patron saint’s feast day works in certain cultures.

Yes, etiquette supposedly forbids hosting a party where people bring you gifts. But somehow hostess gifts are okay, as are wedding gifts. It is true that certain types of people cannot move past the idea that “birthday party” = “bring me presents,” and I agree that such an attitude and expectation is very childish. And yet they still accuse those of us who do not expect gifts of being childish, as if they simply cannot believe that people would throw a party and not expect gifts. Cultural norms change, and sometimes for the better.

In my circle, when it’s your birthday it’s your turn to host everyone. That’s how the reciprocation of hospitality works for us. As a result, I have been to many self-hosted birthday parties but never to one where the birthday person receives any sort of gift. The only exception is a hostess gift (which authorities agree is allowable) if they are hosting a party at their house with all the planning, decorating, cooking, and alcohol that it entails. Etiquette calls for reciprocation of hospitality; if you take your turn on your birthday because everyone takes their turn on their birthday, what does it matter?

Answer: It doesn’t.

But because that would limit our ability to be judgmental and haughty, we can’t possibly look at it that way.

TL/DR: Cultural norms change. It’s a thing; look it up.

Some other choice quotes:

Poor commenter Athena (not me!) asks:

“I’m holding a wine tasting party for my birthday, and I’m paying for everything. Am I consigned to eHell?”

My response:

It depends on who is on call the day of your Judgment. If it’s someone from a generation or two ago, you are certainly doomed. To be safe, you should avoid planning any sort of social event or even leaving the house (except for work and limited grocery shopping) for a full 30 days before and after each birthday or half-birthday, lest any intentional or unintentional frivolity be seen as shamelessly honoring yourself. It does not matter that you are paying for everything or that you do not expect gifts. Anything you plan in the vicinity of your birthday shall be deemed to be a “self-hosted birthday party” and you shall be found a “selfish gimme-pig.”

On the other hand, someone from our generation (say, ages 20 – 40 or so), will likely have much more sense. They would tell you not to give it a second thought and go have a blast. It’s your birthday, after all, and you clearly do not have the expectation of being “honored” or being showered with gifts – what could possibly be wrong with having a good time and sharing the occasion with whomever you want?

UPDATE:

I was totally joking about the “no events 30 days before and after” bit, but commenter Daphne contributed: “just don’t call it a birthday party, and better yet don’t have it on or near your birthday.” (emphasis mine) So what I said in jest apparently people are actually saying in seriousness.

Commenter kingsrings says:

“And now awaiting all the comments on here disagreeing with admin, crying foul over her opinion, and naming all the reasons why it’s okay to throw your own birthday party. I predict that the biggest counter-argument will be that it is acceptable practice in other countries to do that, so it’s okay.”

Um – yes. That’s how it works. Interesting that even though etiquette is a collection of culture-specific customs, we have people arrogant enough to insist, “Customs be damned – everyone must do everything in a way that makes sense to ME and MY culture.” We’re not talking about universals of natural law (ex. slavery, human sacrifice), we are talking about culture-specific, morally neutral customs.

In fact, commenter Goldie says that in her country, “As an adult, you were EXPECTED to throw a birthday party for yourself and invite people, especially if it was a big milestone like 30, 40, 50 and so on. People would be hurt and confused if a friend of theirs skipped out of throwing a birthday party – you kind of owed them a celebration.” RJ adds: “Living on Crete for a time I discovered that Greek people celebrate their Saint’s name day not their birthday: Dimitri would celebrate on St James, Costas or Cristina on St Christopher’s day. But no invitations were issued! Friends were expected to know all the saints’ days and to know that on Christopher’s day Costas would of course be ready to host guests. Costas would therefore prepare a feast and hope his friends turned up to the party!”

From the admin:

“The first question you should be asking yourself is, ‘Why do I need a birthday party after the age of 18?’ You and others appear to have this unrealistic and selfish expectation that the world owes you a party and if your cretin friends won’t do it, you’ll take matters into your own hands to make certain you get the requisite party marking some age milestone. The second question that apparently no ever asks themselves is, ‘If I consider my birthday that important, why have I not considered the feelings of others in regards to their birthdays and taken the effort to host a party for them?’ ”

To answer the second question first, everyone knows their own birthday. It’s administratively easier to plan something for a date you already know.

To answer the first question, of course no one “needs” a birthday party; no one is arguing such. Also, no one “needs” to socialize with friends or “needs” to host a dinner party or “needs” to meet coworkers for drinks. There are a host of things that no one “needs” to do and yet we do them anyway because they provide enjoyment to all involved.

What bothers me is that the specific prohibition from hosting a party (that presumably everyone would find enjoyable) on one’s own birthday lends far more weight to the idea that a birthday is “special” somehow than any party could.

From the admin again:

“There are 364 days and 51 other weeks in which to gather friends together to offer them hospitality yet quite a few commenters appear to have deceived themselves into believing they must have an excuse to entertain friends, in particular using the occasion of their own birthday.”

Yes. That’s how it works when times are lean and money is short. like it has been for a lot of people these last few years. You do need an”excuse” to do anything financially beyond the bare necessities. Goldie adds, “I guess maybe because we grew up with a shortage of everything, people weren’t throwing parties for their friends just because, for no reason. It would’ve been weird.”

As much as I ordinarily hate the phrase, it applies here: “Admin, check your privilege!”

Final thoughts –

It’s also pretty amusing to flip through the comments and watch people talk past each other on this issue. In reading these conversations one would never guess that the point of communication is to convey ideas toward a goal of mutual understanding. Apparently the goal of communication is a trial by combat in which one bludgeons the other person with the same words and phrases over and over until they walk away out of frustration.

I’m just glad I don’t have to put up with anyone like this in real life.

For those of you that have mastered the skills in the elementary course, now it’s time to step it up: this time I am going to give you some tips on how to communicate diplomatically. I am joined today by More Charitable Athena (MCA) who more accurately represents my true professional persona.

Scenario 1:

When the client gives you a supporting schedule that has no relation whatsoever to the area you are trying to audit:

Don’t say: Your stuff is fucked up. Fix this shit before you give it back to me.

Although this is probably the most accurate thing you can say, it is ultimately unhelpful. Mainly because if it were obvious to your client how fucked up their shit is, they would have fixed it before they gave it to you. So you have to point out specifics about where and exactly how much their shit is fucked up.

Also, the aggressive phrasing can be a bit off-putting. They might get defensive, cry, or worse, complain to your boss about what a big meanie you are. Bosses are notoriously unsympathetic to client misstreatment of their employees, so if that happens you’re really screwed.

Instead try: I am having some difficulty with this supporting schedule you provided (point out at least two or three specific things that don’t work). Could you please prepare a reconciliation between the supporting schedule and the account I’m looking at?

MCA says: Many people who work in private accounting (i.e. our clients) spend all day working in the trees. They see the bark on one tree, the sap on another, that damn squirrel that ALWAYS grabs those acorns that need to stay JUST SO to put the picture together. (Their training conveniently neglected to mention that goddamned squirrel, by the way. They had to figure that shit out all on their own.) They don’t see the forest because they have more than enough to do with just the goddamned trees. So when we auditors come in looking at the forest, we need to communicate with them in terms of the trees they understand.

Bonus: When the client gives you the exact same shit they gave you before that’s fucked up in the exact same way and says, “Here you are – I fixed it.”

Don’t say: What in the actual fuck? This is the same shit as before, fucked up in the exact same way. Try again, numbskull.

Same pitfalls as above. Do you want to be right or do you want to be effective?

Instead:Bring your computer over to them and ask, “Can you walk me through exactly how this reconciles these two areas?”

MCA says: I have found that a lot of people don’t know what it’s like to not know what they know. Sure, THEY know that you have to add these three numbers and subtract 1/3 of the fourth number and multiply by the average internally-assigned acuity code of the patient population because they DO it every month. But you don’t. If you ask them to reperform what they did, one of two things will usually happen: 1) you will understand it, too; or 2) they will see that the supporting schedule they gave you is actually wrong and will fix it for real.

Scenario 2:

When the client disagrees with you and you turn out to be right (duh):

Don’t say: In yo FACE, sucka!! Haven’t you learned yet not to argue with me? I’ve forgotten more shit than you’ll ever know!

So you know all there is to know about accounting and auditing. Fan-fucking-tastic. Is that really where your sense of self-worth comes from? Has it occurred to you that most people have priorities other than your particular area of expertise? Look, the unfortunate reality is that while you see how important it is for people who do accounting for a living to, oh I dunno, actually know something about accounting, the rest of the world doesn’t feel that way. And it shows. Don’t suffer under any illusion that you’re going to change this.

Instead say: I’ll go ahead and post the adjustment on my end. Would you like a copy?

MCA says: Most people care about doing their job right, but unfortunately may have been taught some incorrect or expired information. If you want clients to be more helpful, get good at explaining things. Talk to them in terms of the trees they understand (see Scenario 1 above) and walk them through how things work. Draw pictures. It helps.

Scenario 3:

When the client says to you on Thursday, “Let’s try and get these financial statements issued before I go on vacation next week.”

Don’t say: Well if you would quit having me change little LITTLE things that ripple through 7 workpapers, 2 adjusting entries, and 3 places in the report, maybe this would have already been done. Don’t expect me to fix your shit and then question the manner in which I fix it.

Instead say: ….

(I got nothin’ here. Ya just gotta do it at this point. Sorry.)

MCA says: Can’t think of a positive spin on this one. Your client’s just an asshole.

Note: This may or may not be inspired by my job right now. I will admit nothing.