van nasty

Saturday, July 28, 2007

the fifty hottest revisited

ive said it before, and i'll say it again: d.c. is hollywood for ugly people. there is nothing shameful about that. its okay to say "im smart and thats sexy." the funniest thing about the hill's top 50 list is that it so clearly displays d.c.'s vulnerable underbelly, proclaiming to the world: "we were losers in high school, and yeah, we belonged to model u.n., and student government, but look at us now!" it's a sad but true fact: no one cared then, just like no one cares now. and apparently to us insecure d.c. wonks, its not enough to be working in politics, drafting legislation and making the decisions that impact the country, and in some cases the world, you have to also have been a cheerleader!

as far as i know, the hill doesnt publish a commensurate a "fifty smartest" or "most influential" list on the hill. you have to shake your head and chuckle (and try not to vomit).

let's start with the highlight, the cop:

every year the hill list includes one u.s. capitol police officer. why? because they need at least one person on the list who fits within the traditionally defined parameters of the word "hot."

the cheerleader: the cheerleader states that its her job is to "preserve and enhance benefits and quality-of-life programs for members of the Navy, Marine Corps and Coast Guard," thats code for "i can suck a golf ball through a hose," right?

speaking of, lets move on to the token asian: the word "suck" is used twice in her bio. why doesnt the hill just come right out and say what they're so obviously thinking: me suckysucky, me love you long time!

the-entitled-child-of-well-connected-parents: "i know everyone in this town!" wow. why not just wear a shirt that says "i used to be a madison girl; now i belong to late-night-shots. i love smith point, and hate adamsmorgan (ethiopians scare me!)."

the-twenty-two-year-old-flip-flop-wearing-staffer: gwenstefani and fergie are supposed to be your guilty pleasure; if thats the music you confess to listening to, i fear for your ipod. i bet you listen to c&c music factory and ace of base, dont you?

the-staffer-who-left-her-car-running-in-the-garage-overnight: are you also the reason hairdryers have warning labels instructing you not to use them in the shower?

the cheerleader-gymnast-beauty-pageant-winner: its a good thing you kept your head girl; ruptured tendons heal, but a scar is forever.

honestly, when the writing is this awkward its almost not even worth mocking. its like picking on the boy who wore a cape and monocle to class in high school and sat home on saturday playing dungeons and dragons.

you have to feel bad for the hill writing staff because clearly it doesnt pay well; as best i can figure, they are all forced to free lance writing copy for lava life commercials ("the fit, full lipped aquarius...is just as comfortable in a dive bar drinking beer as he is enjoying a super-expensive bottle of champagne. one of his favorite dates, in fact, was a day of rock climbing, followed by a ballet presentation at the kennedy center and dessert at morton’s.").

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

they say that politics is like hollywood for ugly people. i think its more like high school with bank accounts and ugly suits - proof of my theory arrived today via the 50 hottest people on the hill, which is like the superlatives of congress.

unfortunately, my duties at headquarters are getting in the way of my mocking this list of the hottest people on capitol hill (which, by the way, i look forward to all year). commentary to come, or, leave your own (any guest bloggers?!).

look for the girl in the cheerleading costume, and let the mocking of the LNS-georgetown-douchery begin!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

things that confuse, annoy, disgust and scare me (in that order)

4) fantasy congress: for those who arent lobbyists, and want to play along at home.

3) last night i left a gallon of water in the fridge; someone obviously drank it and refilled it with tap water. remember how in high school you would break into your parents liquor cabinet and drink their vodka, then fill the bottle back up with water to hide the evidence? remember how you never really got away with it? it's kinda like that. unlike when you switched my coffee with folgers crystals, i did notice. how did i notice? well, the taste of chlorinated river water kind of gave it away.

2) late night shots. my memory is a little fuzzy, and i dont remember if i blogged about this "exclusive" d.c. based social network before or if a.h., d.l. and i just exchanged snarky and disgusted emails about it, but they have finally lived up to the full weight of their asshat potential. look no further than groups (and people) like this for reasons why i hate d.c.

is the article unprofessional and over-the-top? yes. but, that doesnt make it untrue. read the comments if you need proof.

which brings us to this question: people in d.c., are they bigger douches than people in other cities? discuss. (having grown up in the area, its hard for me to gauge, since sadly, this is what i know and use as my basis for comparison). its all a little too patrickbateman for me.

with practice, and some guided instruction, you will find the door to my building operates just like yours.

the front door to my apartment building is glass. it adds to the "curb appeal" of the building by creating an open, inviting space where upon arrival you think to yourself, "i could live here!" making the leasing offices job that. much. easier.

however, just as you do not expect to walk up to a house on connecticut avenue in washington d.c. and discover the door wide open, you similarly should not expect to find the door to my building to be unlocked. after pulling on the door and discovering it to be locked, you will notice a box with a button located against the wall to your left; do not push it. and whatever you do, do not push it and hold it down. the button is not an intercom, but a doorbell. holding the bell down will irritate the girl behind the desk (in this case me) making it unlikely that i will assist you in opening the door when you need to leave.

assume that i have both seen you approach the glass door that i am positioned directly in front of, and heard you tug violently on it, and will proceed to unlock the door allowing you to enter. after making eye contact and smiling at you, giving you every indication that i have seen you and am aware of the situation, do not proceed to ring the doorbell; i simply cannot stress this enough.

when you hear the click, you will know that the lock has been released, and it is now safe to open the door. the door does not open on its own, making it necessary that you pull open the door again. please feel free to do so; please do not wait for me to pantomime opening the door before you attempt again as it will make us both feel stupid.

on your way out, remember that you pushed the door to enter, and will have to pull the door to get out. forgetting this will again embarrass us both by forcing me to explain how doors operate.

things that currently live in my purse

i like big purses. and since its silly to cart around a huge purse with only your keys, wallet and phone in it, i tend to load up. in my purse right now im dragging around:

1) a black long sleeved sweater (in case brunch was cold).2) a black short sleeved sweater i bought in may and need to return to the mall (in case brunch ended early and i had time to go to pentagon city mall [which it didnt (which was fine!)]).3) my blackberry4) my house keys5) my spare house keys (and yes i appreciate that carrying them both together is a disaster waiting to happen).6) my wallet7) my cell phone8) a bottle of balsamic vinegar. yes, you read the right. a bottle of balsamic vinegar. (its for the salad i brought for dinner - which is in the fridge, not my purse).9) fluke: or, i know why the winged whale sings by christophermoore.10) coyote blue also by christophermoore. i finished it on the metro, so i had to bring a spare, and since im in a christophermoore phase, i have to read everything he's written. im about halfway through the list.11) a diet coke (one can never predict when there will be a diet coke emergency).12) a full size bag of pretzels.13) a pound bag of peanut m&ms (see #11).

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

cspan: the watched pot of cable channels

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

is that why people on the hill always think im an intern?

recently my office installed cable in our offices. those of you who know me know i dont have cable at home. i choose not to have cable not as any sort of statement, but rather because if i had it, i would never sleep choosing instead to watch infomercials until 5 a.m. eating take out and drinking red bull to stay awake long enough for bare essentials to go on sale at qvc. in other words, i would weight 900 lbs and when i died, i wouldnt fit out my door, rather someone would have to knock out a wall and use a crane to lift me out.

it therefore goes without saying that putting cable in my office was a bad decision and my productivity has gone from 20% to zero.

admittedly, headquarters put cable in our offices so we could watch cnn and cspan (which by the way, is like watching the security camera at the men's warehouse store). this was pointed out to me when i was caught watching "what not to wear" on the style network (in my defense, it was during recess!).

i have since been tuned into cspan all day every day (except at 4pm when i watch the daily show and the colbert report, natch) leading me to ask: is there some sort of time warp in the house of representatives that slows down time whereby a "minute" in the house is equal to five minutes everywhere else on the planet? and if so, do congressmen age more slowly? i demand an investigation!

in parts of the country, this is considered news

last month bill o'reilly "reported" that there are over 150 lesbian gangs in the metropolitan dc area. if thats true, then i ask "why is there only one home depot in d.c.?"

shockingly, bill o'reilly and his "investigative reporter" didnt have their facts right.

according to rod wheeler: "During the O’Reilly Factor segment on June 21st, while engaged in a discussion on Lesbian gangs, I inadvertently stated that gang members carry pistols that are painted pink and call themselves the “Pink Pistol Packing Group.” I was not referring to the gay rights group “Pink Pistols” who advocates for the lawful rights of gays to carry weapons for protection. Further, I mentioned that there are “over 150 of these gangs” in the greater Washington DC area. What I actually meant is that there are over 150 gangs in the Washington DC area, some of which are in fact lesbian gangs. Lastly, I mentioned in the segment that there is this “national epidemic” of lesbian gangs. A better choice of words would have been to say that there is a growing concern nationally, and especially in major urban areas, of increased gang activity, which includes some lesbian gang activity. I apologize for any misunderstanding this may have caused."