"What it must look and smell like when a movie brain vomits. Truly worthless."
-Variety

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Some Pledge 'Allegiant'

While we're all waiting with baited breath for the big fight between Batman and Superman, we've got the latest and greatest installment of the "Divergent" series. And of course, all the headlines are knocking it because it only came in #2. Same thing happened to the third installment of The Matrix. If memory serves, it was #1, but only made $50 million, as opposed to the second one which opened at $90 million. Why, they were showing it today on ... IFC? Really? Don't they ever show Clerks anymore? Or films by and about lesbians with a small 'l'? Where's John Pierson, damn it? Man, but IFC's gone corporate. Warner Brothers is not independent cinema!
Anyway, they're already hard at work on the next chapter of this "Divergent" saga. It's apparently called Ascendant, and I am the only one who doesn't find it corny? The co-star of 2011's The Descendants is now Ascendant?
The only other debut this week is the vaguely Christian sounding Miracles from Heaven. Don't let me down, A.V. Club!... wow. No sympathy for Jennifer Garner? She broke up with Benjamin Affleck, for Gawd'z zake! She needs our love now! How can she resist the charms of Matthew McConaughey? They did at least two movies together! ...wonder if McConaughey's actually gay. I wonder that a lot these days. These nice lesbians that my brother used to work with always did that. "Brad Pitt? Gay! Matt Damon? Gay!" And on and on it went. Is nothing private anymore? Is there no respect for sexual orientation? Was there ever?... where was I? Oh, right. Miracles from Heaven. It's the story of someone recovering from a digestive disorder, with a touch of the Jesus for good measure. If Jesus came back to modern day America, well... foodies beware. I think he would be horrified by our food choices. Positively horrified. Why, he would get crucified anew when he would say "America... what's the deal with this new-found love affair with bacon? When did you become Homer Simpson?" Personally, I think it's the yet to be named Environmental Affective Disorder. You know, you're an average American, and you hear about the overpopulation problem, that the oceans are too acidic, the sky is too acidic, global warming is soon to become unreversable... time to snuggle up with a few tons of comfort food!
Oh, which reminds me. I hate to tell Bill Maher how to do his job, but I think his next New Rule should be about Merrick Garland. He's currently struggling with the seeming contradiction of Orrin Hatch formerly liking Merrick Garland, but now not wanting to put him on that nasty ol' Court Supreme. I think the New Rule should be something along the lines of, we need to stop saying that there are judges that both sides can agree on, because clearly there aren't now. Mitch McConnell is openly worried about the conservative "progress" that's been made on the Supreme Court. He doesn't want to lose that. Not on his watch. So, clearly, judges that both sides could agree on are a thing of the recent past. That's not what the Republicans want anymore. Now they want judges who will repeal Roe v. Wade. No reasonable judge is going to do that. ...anyway, that's a start for you.
...damn! I totally forgot. Now, everyone's already written off Borat's latest venture, (The Brothers) Grimsby. But I noticed that it just slipped from #8 to #9. In all my years of watching this pesky Top 10, I don't recall a film doing that. Well, usually what will happen is an indie film will get some traction, and hover around the bottom of the Top 10. But with a big studio film, they'll usually plummet if it's a flop. Well, anyway, we'll see what happens next week. Maybe it'll still be sticking around, who knows. I'm keeping my hopes up... not sure exactly why.