Thursday, January 31, 2013

Join the NRA Wine Club Today!

Fellow Gun Lover,

I’m writing to invite you to join the National Rifle Association Wine Club. Because, really, what goes better with loaded weapons than drinking? Wines in the NRA Wine Club have been chosen especially for our members by leading wine authorities who don’t just like high caliber automatic weapons, they like high caliber wines as well! Each month you’ll receive six bottles of the finest wines the world has to offer at amazing low prices. Our prices are so low, you might think we’d threatened the wineries to get them. Prove it.

For new NRA Wine Club Members, there is a limited time offer we think you’ll be unable to resist. Six amazing bottles of fine wine whose retail price is normally $180 retail for only $69! That’s six bottles of liquid courage for just a bit more than $11 per bottle. And look what you’ll get!

From My Cold Dead Hanzell2010 Chardonnay—A special bottling from one of California’s premiere Chardonnay producers, with a likeness of Charlton Heston on the label. Don’t drink too much or you’ll Ben-Hurl.

Newtown2009 Unfiltered Chardonnay—One of the great California wineries sold us the last few cases of their legendary 2009 vintage Chardonnay, with a portion of the proceeds going to fund a new school project in Connecticut, the Kindergarten Firing Range, where toddlers learn how to be comfortable firing guns in close quarters. Is it naptime, or was there a stranger in here? An armed child is a safe child.

Chateau du Gabby Giffords2009 Canon Fronsac—Robert Parker called 2009 “the greatest Bordeaux vintage of my lifetime…worth holding up a bank to obtain.” We couldn’t agree more. The 2009 Chateau du Gabby Giffords features the former U.S. Congresswoman's photograph on the label, a lovely head shot. That may be a poor choice of words.

Kosta Freedom2010 Pinot Noir Russian River Valley—A few deaths here and there, and what is that, gun lovers? Yes, it’s the Kosta Freedom. Another gun massacre got you down? Open this silky, smooth Pinot Noir and let it wash away your better instincts.

Gunlock Badshow2009 Zinfandel Sonoma—Background checks at gun shows are like checking ID’s at liquor stores—totally unnecessary, and bad for the small businessman. Here’s an old vines Zin that everyone can enjoy—from the mentally ill to your high school freshman. It’s killer Zin.

How can you resist this introductory offer? Six great bottles of wine for a fraction of their value if you join the NRA Wine Club today. This is a six-month trial offer, and if you’re not fully satisfied with each month’s selections, just give us a call, see if we give a rat’s ass. Yes, that’s right. We just don’t care! It’s the NRA attitude; it’s why you’re a proud member.

And there are more benefits of being a member of the NRA Wine Club! Here are just a few:

• Recommendations of gun-friendly winery tasting rooms. Show up with a weapon, and taste for free!

• An automatic vote in the annual NRA Award balloting, the award given to the outstanding member of society who has done the most to promote guns in society, the Bullet Surprise. Previous winners of the Bullet Surprise include Mark David Chapman, John Hinckley, and Junior Seau.

• An NRA Wine Club Membership Card good for discounts at gun shows, 7-11’s, and MW exams. (Bullets with MW names on them require an additional charge.)

Won’t you act now? Whether you’re a proud gun owner for sport, or hunting, or even if you’re just contemplating suicide, these six bottles of wine are guaranteed to enhance your life, no matter how much longer you put off ending it.

At the NRA, we believe that the two things most precious and valuable to the American way of life are shooting stuff and getting shitfaced. And that those two pursuits go together like the other great American rights—unprotected sex and getting shitfaced, driving without a seat belt and getting shitfaced, and carrying a loaded weapon and getting shitfaced.

Thomas,Yeah, I know. I thought the same thing when I was writing it. I wonder if the KKK has a Wine Club.

David,Whenever I write a "dark" post like this, I think it stumps people. Most want Quiddick the Critic, not satire with some painful stings. I suspect a lot of people won't find this post funny, and they may be right. Hell, what do I care, I wrote it with my cold, dead hands.

Ron My Love,Oh they'll think it's funny but they will feel guilty for laughing and that right there is the brilliance of your satire. I found myself wincing a couple times, that "oh, too soon" feeling, but it was the humor, your humor Love, that lifted the mood. Balance, isn't that what we wine folks are always yammering away about? You've got it Baby, in spades. I love you, like a lot and junk.

Docuguy,Thanks. Just a throwaway, but it struck me as oddly funny too.

Thomas,A hard-on for me, or a hard-on for the shooter. Most of those guys suffer from accidental discharges anyway.

My Gorgeous Samantha,Wincing is what I had in mind for this piece. I don't hate guns, but I loathe our gun culture. I don't hate members of the NRA, but the CEO is criminally insane. I'm 60, never held a real gun, so never fired a gun. Not proud of that, necessarily, but not ashamed of it either. I'd never own a gun, especially not after studying literature. There is an old wisdom in the theater that says a gun that appears in the first act must go off before the final curtain. Not how I want my life to have its final curtain call.

Dean,Right now it does. Several petitioned to have their wines removed from the NRA Wine Club website. But money always trumps what's right, as it will in the gun debates in Congress now. Having an indefensible position is unimportant when you have money and clout, dead kids notwithstanding. Not standing at all.

Scores a 0.001 on the super dry satire target! (So on target I'm afraid to show it to friends, as they're likely to understand only target but not satire!) Gads, everytime LaPierre opens his mouth you simultaneously shudder and applaud that he's supplying Stewart, Colbert (and the HoseMaster) with so much fresh material.

Charlie,Hope to see you at ZAP tomorrow, my friend. Quiddick the Critic was my repeater.

Fabio,I'm assuming that's a pop culture reference, though I don't know its origins. But, yup, lots of folks be crazy, and lots of them got guns.

Marcia Love,Thanks. There just aren't that many occasions when wine and politics intersect, but here was one. And, interestingly, my few friends that are gun enthusiasts liked this piece more than most. La Pierre is a satirist's dream, really, though, tragically, he speaks for far too many folks.

Gotta agree with you on LaPierre, scary though he may be. Frighteningly enough, someone's likely already run with ball and is heavily marketing a gun-toting, wine-drinking wine club. ("Buy a case and get AK-47 for free!") Have fun ZAPping! Looking forward to the glorious weather.

Meaningless Awards

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About Me

After 19 years as a Sommelier in Los Angeles, twice named Sommelier of the Year by the Southern California Restaurant Writers' Association, I moved to Sonoma County to explore the other aspects of the wine business. I've spent, OK wasted, 35 years learning about and teaching about and swallowing wine. I am also a judge at the Sonoma Harvest Fair, San Francisco Chronicle Wine Competition and the San Francisco International Wine Competition--so I can spit like a rabid llama. I know more about wine than David Sedaris and I'm funnier than James Laube. Stay tuned for an informed but jaded view of everything wine and everything else.
I'm living proof that alcohol kills brain cells.

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