Five Things NOT to Do to Babies

When I had a puppy, he hated to be ignored or left alone. At those times he would chew up the furniture. Babies hate these things too, but they can’t damage the furniture to let us know. Instead, their development gets undermined and we and society have to live with the anxious and depressed results.

What should we NOT do to babies?

1. Ignore them (don’t)

Under natural birth conditions, newborns are ready to communicate with mother, father and others. Colwyn Trevarthen has videos showing newborn communication with a parent. Of course, they cannot talk but they can grunt and move their arms (the left arm is typically self-referential and the right arm focused on the partner). Some mothers communicate with the baby in the womb through singing, reading, talking, or even thumping. In indigenous cultures, the mother is responsible for shaping the spirit of the child with communications like these to the baby before and after birth, even creating a unique song for that child (e.g., Turnbull, 1983).

Grazyna Kochanska’s (2002) program of research shows that it is a “mutually-responsive orientation” that leads over time to the most positive outcomes, like conscience, prosocial behavior, and friendship skills. Mutually-responsive means the parent and child both influence each other, building a relationship cooperatively. Trevarthen (1979, 1999, 2001) suggests that this type of companionship care provides an optimal environment for emotional and intellectual development. The parent and child together develop their own ongoing creative stories and games that continue to change over time.

Why is a companionship relationship particularly important for babies? The first three years of life is a time when tacit (non conscious) understanding of how the social world works is developed and it gets wired into how the brain works (Schore, 1994, 1996). With responsive care, the brain’s systems learn to work well and thereby keep the person healthy and socially engaged. What is learned during early life will be applied ever after to relationships (unless changed with therapy or other significant brain-changing experiences).

Babies who are born early or experienced non-soothing perinatal experiences may need to be gently wooed by caregivers into a back-and-forth communicative relationship. This means caregivers have to be especially calming and sensitive to the baby’s signals—teasing her into relating, but only when she is ready. Skin-to-skin touch, singing and whispering comforting words may be helpful for the very withdrawn.

2. Let them cry (don’t)

Imagine being in pain and asking for help and being ignored. How does that make you feel about yourself (bad) and about your family (angry)? It’s so much worse for a baby because he is in the midst of rapidly growing brain systems that are learning their dance patterns for social living and for physiological functioning (health). We have to remember that a large part of child development occurs after birth when 75% of the brain is developed (mostly in the first few years) and epigenetic effects take place (gene functions established) based on the type of care received.

For a baby, being left to cry is like torture. Why do I think so? Because technically, physiologically and maturationally babies should still be in the womb until 18 months of age. So if babies regularly get distressed, their bodies are being trained to be anxious and distrustful of themselves and of others. Most of what they learn from undercare is tacit knowledge that may not be noticeable until later when they are inflexible, self-centered and easily stressed out. Know anyone like that?

When young babies cry they are not having tantrums or being little emperors. They have needs and communicate them the only way that they can.

But if you wait for a cry before alleviating discomfort, you are waiting too long.

From the beginning of the relationship with a baby it’s important to learn not to let him cry. This is ancient wisdom. Young babies have a hard time stopping crying so you don’t want let them start. They may get then into a habit of crying. Distress for too long can kill brain synapses (brain networks scheduled to develop at that time) which are growing at a phenomenal rate in the first years of life.

To keep babies from crying, caregivers must pay attention to the nonverbal signals babies give (restlessness, frown, grimace, flailing arms) and nip discomfort in the bud. This is what wise grandmothers do. Whatever babies “practice” in the early months and years creates pathways in the brain that will be used again and again. So if you want a disagreeable, uncooperative, aggressive child (and adult), let him cry. Otherwise, keep babies happy. Distressing a baby regularly will build a disagreeable child that will distress the community later

Young babies need to breastfeed frequently as human breastmilk is thin but filled with the body’s building blocks which are needed often for optimal development. Babies also need to move a lot which helps them grow. So if you know the baby just had a good feed, then keep him calm with patting, bouncing, rocking. They expect the caregiver to be emotionally present with skin-to-skin contact so talk, sing, be.

In the first four months of life, babies are likely to be more fussy (but that doesn’t mean they must cry). This is also the time period that seems to set the level of responsiveness between baby and caregiver that lasts for years after (according to our and Ruth Feldman’s research; Feldman, Greenbaum & Yirmiya, 1999). Caregivers should be especially attentive to when a young baby starts to fuss by noticing facial expression and gestures and offer preventative comfort that relaxes them again. Preventing crying in the first place is the goal (and ancient wisdom).

A mother visited my class with a baby a few months old. We passed the baby around until he began to grimace. Then the mother took him, stood up and held him in her arm, stomach down and rocked and bounced him back and forth. He looked very content and remained quiet for the rest of the period.

Now, I should say that if a caregiver is feeling so frustrated that she is ready to throw the baby against the wall, in that case it is best to leave the room and let the baby cry. (See Period of Purple Cry for guidelines; and see these cautions.) But of course, it is best not to let such a regular crying pattern get established in the first days and weeks of life.

3. Leave them alone (don’t)

Solitary confinement is one of the worst things you can do to a human being and eventually leads to psychosis.

Babies are built to be physically connected to caregivers. They do not understand why they are alone. Babies internalize a sense of wrongness and badness that will color their lives.

Imagine being suddenly left alone in a strange land where you cannot move or take care of yourself. It would be terrifying, even if you understood what was going on. Why do this to a child?

Children are mammals who rely on the companionship of adults to care for their needs until they can do it themselves. Although people talk as if you can force babies to learn independence, this is a delusion and an imaginary outcome. If you isolate babies, the opposite happens--they become whiney and needy or quiet and torn up inside, in both cases preoccupied with themselves. They internalize fear and insecurity and carry this with them into their attitudes towards caregivers and the world. This is how to grow a narcissist. What else can be expected? Isolation teaches them to think only of themselves. One of the hallmarks of people who don’t help others when they are in a situation of need is personal distress (Batson, 2011). Personal distress makes empathy and compassionate action very unlikely. Making babies stress reactive from undercare is a good way to build an easily distressed personality, and create a society of self-concerned folks.

4. Not hold them whenever possible (please hold them)

Babies are meant to be held. This should start immediately. First impressions of you and the world are fundamental. Can they relax into being? Learning a deep relaxation and sense of peace is what they will carry forward into life. If they don’t have a regular experience of relaxing into loving arms, they may never learn to relax and let go. Such a letting go is vital for health (Kabat-Zinn, 1991).

When babies are physically apart from caregivers (not “in arms”), pain responses are activated, influencing the presence of various hormones and neuropeptides right when systems are beting established (Ladd, Owens & Nemeroff, 1996; Panksepp, 2003; Sanchez et al., 2001). Separation dysregulates multiple systems over the long term. For example, the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis (HPA), a part of the stress response system becomes dysregulated and hyperactive (Caldji, Tannenbaum, Sharma, et al., 1998; Levine, 1994; Plotsky & Meaney, 1993). Even a 3-hour daily separation (in infant mice—and human babies are much more needy and social) caused enough early life stress to induce epigenetic effects that heightened stress reactivity and caused deficits in memory function in adulthood (Murgatroyd & Spengler, 2009). Moreover, limited touch in early life leads to an underdevelopment of serotonin receptors, endogenous opioids and oxytocin—the chemicals that are related to happiness (Kalin, 1993; Meinischmidt & Heim, 2007).

So don’t take untouched babies lightly.

Babies should feel welcome in adult arms apart from the times they themselves feel the urge to explore (though a fearful toddler may sometimes need encouragement to explore). When babies want to explore, it should be allowed as much as possible.

Here is an interesting anecdote. When an American was visiting an African village, she saw a young child reaching for the fire and automatically slapped his hand away. An African elder scolded her for doing so, saying, ‘if you do that you will have to watch him carefully for the rest of his life.’ That is, children need to learn about their own world without being overguarded or they will never learn to behave safely on their own.

Numbers 1-4 are punishing. I would actually call them baby torture. Babies are not meant to be without adult caring companionship at any time (and feel pain) and don’t grow as well without it. But there is one more specifically about intentional punishment of babies.

(f) Physiologically, punishment will activate the stress response, which is not advisable in early life when thresholds and parameters for functioning are being set. Such stress can permanently hyperactivate systems related to stress, undermining wellbeing and intellectual growth and making social relations more difficult.

If you want to optimize a baby’s brain, health and wellbeing for the longterm don’t do these five things.

Warm, responsive parenting is one of the best predictors of positive child outcomes (e.g., getting along with others, doing well in school). Responsive caregiving means attending to the individuality of the child in the particular situation. So caregivers have to be emotionally present, not distracted by their own worries, phones or work.

“But I’m a tired, frustrated parent”

Clearly babies take a lot of care to get them off to a good start. That’s why the adage “it takes a village to raise a child” is often mentioned. Yes, it takes more than one person (usually mom) or even two people (usually mom and dad) to meet one baby’s needs. So if you are a frustrated, tired parent, get help with caregiving. Here are just a few examples from experience but parents, please add suggestions:

(b) Lower expectations for your personal goals. I remember hearing a mother say after several months of struggle that she learned to surrender to the needs of the baby. Taking care of baby’s needs is an investment you won’t regret.

(c) If you can, have one parent or adult family member not work outside the home so she or he can focus on childcare (which should decrease stress). Apparently, stay-at-home mothering has been increasing. This is a good idea as long as parents don’t isolate themselves with their children.

(d) Parenting is not meant to be a soloist affair. Parents should structure their lives around support systems. And everyone should all give parents help whenever possible.

Kochanska, G. (2002b). Mutually responsive orientation between mothers and their young children: A context for the early development of conscience. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 11(6), 191-195. doi:10.1111/1467-8721.00198

Schore, A.N. (1996). The experience-dependent maturation of a regulatory system in the orbital prefrontal cortex and the origin of developmental psychopathology. Developmental Psychopathology, 8, 59–87.

NOTE on BASIC ASSUMPTIONS: When I write about parenting, I assume the importance of the evolved developmental niche (EDN) for raising human infants (which initially arose over 30 million years ago with the emergence of the social mammals and has been slightly altered among human groups based on anthropological research).

The EDN is the baseline I use for determining what fosters optimal human health, wellbeing and compassionate morality. The niche includes at least the following: infant-initiated breastfeeding for several years, nearly constant touch early, responsiveness to needs so the young child does not get distressed, playful companionship with multi-aged playmates, multiple adult caregivers, positive social support, and soothing perinatal experiences.

Thank you so very much for these wise words. As a specialist in loneliness I see people all the time who have been treated 'well' as babies, but who have a lifelong sense of powerlessness as a result of being left on their own when they were very young. They feel they cannot trust grown-ups and have a hard time feeling at ease with other people. I think we all should know more about the issues you brought up and take better care of our children.

Thank you so much for this post. I am a mother of a 15 month old wonderful boy and my husband and I have chosen to enable him to grow up in the way you describe, which is not always easy. We live in France and here the general rule is something like "we promote individualism and self-sufficiency, therefore let your kid manage his life". When our son was born, we were told (by a pediatritien) to put him in his own room (where he would spend nights and beter parts of days alone), not to hold him too often, and to give him to a daycare as soon as possible to avoid him becoming "tres fusionel". I am 40 years old without any experience with babies, parenting or the like, but fortunatelly with the ability to recognise nonsense when I hear it. So, our child spends most of his time with at least one of us (we have decided that I stay at home until he is at least three), we kiss him and hug him as much as he wants and needs, and we try to understand his needs to our best abilities without suffocating him with our care. As a result, he is becoming a curious person open to the world who is not afraid to try and fail and who brings out the best in people whom he meets regardless of their age. So, thank you again for this post, it was a real pleasure to read it.

If child abuse was so rare as to be remarkable, then this list of suggested abuses might be funny. Maybe. But since the abusive behaviors you describe actually do happen all too often, and the result is tragic for the child (death, injury, psychosis) its not funny at all, just kind of disturbing.

I love your humor and I believe others do as well. However, there are some people that need things to be explained rather bluntly. So here goes.... Hey Lady, it was a joke, not a dick. Don't take it so hard.

Probably being pedantic here but I do not agree with answering a child "What?" I know when my children answer my call with "What?" I am far from impressed. How about "Yes?" or "Sorry, I missed your question?" or "Can you say that again for me, I didn't hear you properly". Actually talking to babies/children in a way that we expect them to talk to us and others is just as important as the other points the article mentions.

well i must be a terrible mother . my children are both well ajustied,well rounded children. i left the to self sooth as babies, i slaped my daughters hand when she went to touch and oven infact ive done most the stuff you have said not too.You're theory is wrong, how do i know this, im actually a mother.I didnt look after a puppy or watch some mice . i had kids, love them ,cherish, them and care for them.i really think that people who wish to work in child development need to actualy have a child before they start trying to teach others to be parents.wouldnt you be grumpy if you where passed around to strangers, Yes , well so would a baby. The baby was happy and content when passed back to its mother because it was alowed to be still and not handed to people it didnt know . this is all you're opinion and my opinion is that you are a moron who clearly wasnt left to cry for long enough.

As was I. ive had to once with each of my children to stop them hurting themselves.i would much rather them have a slap on the hand than seriously hurting themselves on a firee which could well have serious long lasting damage. Letting a child stick its hand in a fire is abuse. As a parent you have a duty to safeguard.

I could write a book in response that "observation." In lieu of acting on that sad urge, just a few crumbs for thought:

1. "I turned out fine" is a subjective declaration. A hermit masochist with a PhD and an income of $150K/year living alone in a well appointed bunker in the hills of Tennessee might feel inclined to make the same declaration; especially if one defines "fine" the way they teach it in A.A.

2. A rose is a rose, et cetera; however, not all spankings are delivered equal. If the Anonymous author of the quote did indeed "turn out fine", then bully for you. And thanks for helping to make the misery of those who missed that happy boat, feel just a tad more angry over (a) their childhood hell; (b) its lifelong consequences; and (c) the impotence of medication and therapy to exorcise the ghosts of those violent, narcissistic "caregivers" we are taught to call parents, and/or their equally screwed up surrogates.

3. Please don't take these remarks as a personal attack. To do so would only further serve to undermine any remaining claim to possession of "empathy" you wish to preserve.

To whatever small degree of sincerity I have managed to hold on to, I do wish you well.

"The thought of wanting to help me is a sickness and has to be cured with bed rest."
--F. Kafka

And slapped, and shaken by the arms, and knocked to the ground, and when mother was really angry she would beat my sister and me with dad's belt, being careful to land the blows where the bruises and welts and broken, bloody skin wouldn't show easily. My sister and I grew up afraid of our own mother and her hair-trigger temper. I developed ptsd symptoms and disconnected from feeling my emotions in order to cope, and my sister developed blocks of amnesia of her childhood years and young teen years.

In some European countries now, corporal punishment of children is considered bad parenting and looked down upon, and in some countries corporal punishment of children is even illegal.

Truth is, the most well-adjusted, happy, successful people I've ever met as adults were not physically disciplined or smacked around by their parents, when I've asked them about it.

Just because a practice has "always been done" doesn't mean its a good practice.

Yes, you must be a terrible mother. Good thing your children were surrounded by other people, sounds like they fortunately got love and support from others. I could be cruel and mention the numerous and obvious grammatical errors in your comment, but that's irrelevant, even though it was difficult to understand what you are trying to state. I found this article to be directly on point, very informative and without a doubt, CORRECT. so glad to see society is finally catching up. When I was raising my children (both grown), everyone told me to let them cry it out, to put them down, or even - spank them. I chose not to, despite constant criticism. My own mother, thank goodness, agreed with me and even commended me on my choices. Do you want to be left alone to cry yourself to sleep? Do you want to be shut away in a room, by yourself, when you need something? Babies are not tiny dictators. they are not trying to control people. They are humans and should be treated with constant care and love. Sure, it's a tough job, but society will the winner when parents start parenting. As for your last sentence of your comment, "anonymous", well, I think we know who the moron is, and it's NOT the author of this article.

Yikes your response was as harsh as the original posters was defensive. I think what works well for one child might not work for another so I take the advice given in the article as good general advice.

I personally don't think spanking is effective in the long term, there is enough evidence to suggest that it hurts a child's self esteem and often creates an environment for lying. If the OP find it differently, then I suspect she made up for her shortcomings in other ways that produced a positive effect on her children. More power to her.

I had one child, I knew I only had enough emotional energy for raising one child and I was right. She turns 24 next month, has a college degree, a good job and is very loving. To me she is perfect.

She always tells me what a great mother I was. I wasn't. I made a lot of mistakes, I never spanked her but did raise my voice when upset (something I have learned to suppress with lost of maturity and St. John's Wort) I suspect her memories reflect happy times because she is such a great person.

You would have had some interesting points if it wasn't for the claim that all the author did was state her opinion. I'm not saying I necessarily agree with every single point of the article but she clearly did not just type out her opinion, that's why there is what is referred to as a 'reference list' at the bottom of her article which backs up her 'opinion' with actual evidence.

I'm also a mother, of a very happy and well-adjusted child who has never been hit. If my child went to touch something that wasn't safe for her, I told her no and re-directed her. That worked perfectly well for me. I don't think you're a terrible mother if you love your children and do your best, but if you feel good about what you've done, then why are you so angry and calling those who believe differently morons?

I agree with this mother. I slap my childs hands away from the stove, i allowed her to self soothe when she was a baby. some times being held was over stimulating for her and sometimes you just have to put them baby down and close the door until they stop crying. I think this article is stupid. what are children going to grow up like if they don't learn if you talk crap or disrespect someone you're not going to get stabbed and there are no consequences for your behaviors. my daughter calls me her best friend and fallows me around and wants to be just like me. I think she trusts me.
my parents never spanked me and I wish they had, i wouldn't have been so stupid when I was growing up. all of my friends who were spanked are incredibly successful and better people. All my friends who were not spanked well theyre all f-faces. my husband was spanked and he has more ambition and determination then anyone I have ever met. GOP candidate Ted Cruz (he's not even american) publically admitted to spanking his daughter when she lies. Should you not spank a child when they lie? should you allow your child to grow up thinking dishonesty is acceptable? what do these modern parents think not spanking their kids is going to accomplish? I think it builds character, helps strengthen morals, words Don't always work.

If a child grows up relatively mentally healthy even though subjected to emotional abuse or to physical abuse peddled as "spanking", it's *in spite of* the abuse, not because of it. And, some children have more resilient temperaments than others.

Parenting can be firm and effective, and necessary discipline can be meted out without physically assaulting your child or emotionally traumatizing your child with toxic, soul-crushing emotional abuse.

Note: If your child is extremely clingy towards you that is NOT healthy, normal behavior; you may have traumatized her with harsh verbal abuse and slapping/spanking her.

Please note that the article is specifically discussing babies and toddlers under two-and-a-half. Hitting a child that tiny definitely does more harm than good.

Parents who are relatively mentally healthy most often "snap" and begin hitting their kids to "discipline" them when the parent is frustrated and angry at something or someone unrelated to their child's behavior or when the parent is tired, sick, worried, etc., but that's the worst possible time to attempt to discipline a child who is misbehaving.

Parents who are not mentally healthy, who have rigid and unrealistic expectations of children, parents who are substance abusers, or those who have untreated mental disorders, parents who actively resent or even hate their child (or step-child) or view a child as an object for their personal gratification, aka sadistic monsters should not be considered healthy and responsible enough to be parenting AT ALL, or at the very least, not without constant supervision.

ALL the most current research from multiple studies done in multiple countries concludes that children raised without being physically or emotionally or sexually abused have the most healthy, successful and joyous lives as adults. All the research.

But humane parenting requires education, practice, patience, and much more time and effort, and most people like things to be fast and easy these days.

It's the children who pay the price when their parents take the "easy" route.

My sister used a form of parenting like this and her daughter is a nightmare. Bratty, disobedient and obnoxious. Without discipline she treats her mother as a slave to cater to her every whim. As you don't know me you cannot make assumptions about how much I love my children. You mentioned my grammar and spelling. I'm dyslexic so unfortunately I have issues and do not at all mind this being pointed out. Every child is different and this may work for some but not me. My children are high achivers and I have been told by numerous health professionals,teachers and family members that I am doing a fantastic job. My own mother is a psychologist and has also comended me. parenting has to be learned through experience and not a text book. I can see that we are not at all going to agree on this subject and I refuse to let your comments bother me.

How is it that you're apparently an adult who doesn't understand that not disciplining at al is just as bad as spanking? Disciple does not equal hit. It's perfectly possible to a very strict parent while never raising your voice or your hand.

Oh my goodness…this is exactly whats causing the demise of our nation. Children need limits! There is just as much "research" that shows that discipline and firm boundaries are enormously beneficial to a child's psyche. I do agree that babies should be held (I rarely ever put mine down and even slept with them until around 18 months) but sometimes babies cry and NOTHING will soothe them. Implying that a parent should be able to somehow figure out exactly when and why an infant is screaming is unrealistic at best. I'm not a huge fan of letting them "cry it out" but sometimes it gets to that point. Sometimes they just need to have a good cry and go to sleep. Haven't you ever felt that way?? As far as not spanking…I'm not even going to go there except to say that kids these days are hell to be around and I believe its because parents are codling them and failing to effectively discipline them. My kids feel loved and secure because I held them constantly as infants, taught them how to self soothe around 14-15 months, and spanked their butts from 2-5 years. Now I RARELY have to discipline them because I was consistent with both affection and discipline.

Most Americans still spank, so the whole "American kids today are hell to be around" isn't an argument that makes sense to me. Of the kids I know who are on the... wilder side... most of them are spanked. By and large, the gentlest, happiest kids I know really are the ones who experience gentle discipline (but that's purely anecdotal, and I know everyone has a different perspective and their own biases at play as well).

But also, the article is talking about babies specifically. I think if anyone is punishing BABIES, then they don't understand much about child development (or moral, compassionate behavior). And a significant portion of Americans who spank begin while their child is under the age of one, so saying "Don't hit your babies" is sadly necessary advice for many.

There are too many of us "anonymous" people in here now so I am now anonymous 2 just for ease. I posted the comment previous to yours and I totally agree with you. Dispite just being told I dont love my kids by a total stranger I to love to hold my kids.They get sick of hugs and kisses . I make sure I tell my kids everyday that I love them.I totally disagree with this article and im so glad im not the only one.

Dear parents, your job isn't hard enough so we decided to write this article to make you feel like crap about yourself. We thought loading you down with unrealistic expectations phrased as absolutes would really twist the knife. Enjoy your worthlessness. Sincerely, Dr. Narvaez, et al.

Couldn't agree more! Every time I hear or see something that talks about a new way to parent or the right way to parent, I can't help but think great, another article that's going to tell me how much I've screwed my children up. There is so much information out there and all of it contains dire warnings of what you'll end up with if you don't follow the 'right' advice.

I have to say, this is fairly bad advice. Then attacking the person who let them learn to self soothe and be alone...because that is exactly how we are born and die? Being alone in this life, at times, is inevitable. Seriously, you want to talk about "getting in the habit of crying," well, what about them getting in the habit of needing attention to feel good about themselves or to feel like they belong? What if they are so addicted to attention that they will do anything to keep it?

For example: "Mother," Yes? "Nothing."

Mom? Yes? well, nothing.

Mom? Yes dear? Let's go play. I am busy dear, we will play later.

Mom? Yeah? Can we play?

etc etc etc etc

How is that healthy?

Yes, with infants, they need more attention and holding and caring, absolutely. But this is extremism and you are damaging a lot of people's families and their children's ability to be well adjusted. By three months they better learn to be alone, because otherwise they will be sorely disappointed. Especially by three when their little sibling comes along. Oh hell no! Now that baby gets 100% of the attention? BAM! You are in a world of hurt now, friend.

Anyone who isn't attacking me, silently sitting at your desk wondering whether this is the way to raise children, please, go read the following book. We lost our way when we followed Skinner in the 50s, then about faced and have no boundaries or setting up of self empowerment and autonomy. It has led to a ridiculous amount of mal adjusted mental health in this country. I know, I am in the field. For those who attack me, I am sorry. You deserve better.

I'm going to guess that the author has no children. Because anyone who can make a direct correlation between letting her child cry and her child later becoming "inflexible, self-centered and easily stressed out" obviously hasn't been a parent (or perhaps, not a parent of multiple children). The children (and I've raised 5) I let cry the most as babies are the most relaxed, easy going, and caring of the bunch.

Claiming an absolute here causes you (the author) to lose all authority.

I am so glad to see that the last 4 comments actually make sence. Personally i have no problems with people i dont know telling me that i dont love my children. I know i do and thats all that matters. As i said my kids are well adjusted,loving,well mannered and beautiful inside and out.I am not saying they are angels but they are perfect in my eyes. A profesional can tell a parent all the text book rules of parenting but no one knows thier child like a parent.

"This means caregivers have to be especially calming and sensitive to the baby’s signals—teasing her into relating, but only when she is ready."

What's with the female pronouns? As a male victim of horrific child abuse at the hands of women for my crime of gender (something I think is far more common than our society is ready/willing to understand) I am deeply offended and utterly alienated by your wording. I'm seeking a psychiatrist and it's frightening to see that trained professionals can be as ignorant and insensitive as this. It makes me think twice about seeking help.

But my little Sister and I didn't have even that. Our mother was mentally ill; she had a severe personality disorder that impacted her ability to care for us in anything close to a normal way.

I, her first-born, received the brunt of my mother's negative, disordered perceptions and feelings and her acting-out behaviors when she triggered into rage and/or paranoia. My mother actually believed that I, her first-born, an infant, hated her and was critical of her. She also felt that I'd trapped her in a marriage she was ambivalent about (which makes no logical sense, because I arrived over two years after my parents were married; I was planned!) Yet, my mother retained that view of me, for life.

My younger Sister was actually wanted and loved by our mother, who identified with Sister as the second-born girl, and yet our mother's disorder made my little Sister's life a living hell of abuse. Sister and I were able to share our experiences with each other as adults; as children, I was too jealous of my Sister's arrival to want to be friends with her. I sensed that she was my replacement. My mother herself actually corroborated this for me, when I was an adult. I hadn't wanted to believe it, but it was true.

Bottom line: there are variations within child-rearing styles that are healthy and OK; this is demonstrated when the children arrive at adulthood relatively mentally healthy and functional, joyful, and self-actualized.

But I invite psychologists and psychiatrists and mental health researchers to investigate really thoroughly those households where the child is severely dysfunctional, suicidal, aggressive, violent, highly manipulative, or unmanageable at a relatively young age.

I'm willing to bet that in such cases covert parental emotional abuse and/or physical abuse and/or sexual abuse, or emotional neglect by the parent or parents, is present in the child's life, even if its denied and covered up.

Why do these articles always include romanticized anecdotes about "natives" who, in their poverty and simplicity, know so much more about parenting than the selfish western white women? Africa is an entire continent with an incredibly diverse array of cultures. Are we to believe that all African mothers let their children learn about fire the old fashioned way -- by getting burnt? This is the Noble Savage trope, and it's tired, and insulting, and racist.

These are cultural differences. Small-band hunter-gatherers (our 99% and found all over the world) accepted the mammalian needs of their children and gave them what they evolved to need--as a community of adults (not just mom, or mom and dad).

We know now that these evolved parenting practices build health brains and bodies and also the underpinnings of cognitive, social and moral skills.

When modern cultures advocate against these practices (the myth of the modern human?), they are mistakenly assuming that biology and development don't matter for whom a person becomes. Not attending to and providing 30 million-year-old social mammalian parenting practices (even more intense for humans) undermines the development of children (and resulting adults).

Babies will cry - sometimes it will be difficult to determine the reason. Telling parents that their little bundle of treasure should not cry would only add to their stress - this stress will be passed on to the child who will probably express that stress the only way it can - by crying!!

You are right--when young babies start to cry it is often hard to help them stop (they have not yet developed the mechanisms to do so). So the key is to prevent crying in the first place by being attentive to their signals (facial, body). Keep them content and everyone will be happier in the short and long run.

I appreciate the spirit of your post. I try my best to catch crying before it happens, but this maxim is unrealistic. To expect someone to be constantly aware of their child simply isn't plausible. We can try our best, but we can't be perfect. To state this as black and white, as you have, sounds judgmental and lays guilt upon parents who are genuinely trying their best.

The fact that you believe one type of parenting skill to be better than others is completely ridiculous. You obviously have no idea that humans are completely different from infancy. They are born with their own sense of atittude and personality. By the way, I take no offense to this at all. I believe your opinion be comical. Have you ever given birth to twins or to any multiples? To say that this type of parenting would work on multiples is ridiculous. To give one child all the love and attention required in this would be to neglect the other. It is yet physically and mentally impossible to do this without going insane. Now I don't blame you for thinking this way, you obviously have never been abused or neglected so this idiotic idea is just coming from the lack of knowledge in both situations, being a parent, or a child of abuse. By the way all your sources are invalid for the fact that I can find sources like those to prove you wrong. Every child Is different just like all human beings, so remember that works for some does not work for all. I know someone who raises their children like you explain in this article. It doesn't work. The children are rude, abusive, and down right crazy to their parents and other children. They have to be put in special classes in school to learn how to work with others and one of them has actually been kicked out of a pre-k already. So unless your a child psychologist or even have a clue into psychology, you might want to rethink your position on telling parents how to raise their kids.

Four years ago, I began following a protocol very similar to the one outlined here -- always holding my infant son, doing whatever I could to keep him from crying, paying close attention to his cues, etc. I pushed myself to the brink of exhaustion trying to meet his needs and keep him content, because I believed that was the biologically-appropriate way to care for a baby. I have to say, though, that my experience with the results have so far been the opposite of the ones described. My four-year-old son, bright and well-loved, is a constant whiner, unable to play, sleep, or be alone for more than a few moments, desperate for our unceasing and undivided attention. I have seen many other young children who were raised differently (left to "cry it out" at bedtime, confined to strollers and bucket carriers, fed on schedule instead of on demand, etc.) who have none of the anxiety and neediness of my son. I'm not trying to make blanket prescriptions for a general population, but I know from personal experience that the above behaviors don't always result in the intended outcomes (calm, confident children). We still believe strongly in being attentive and responding to cues, providing lots of holding and touch, avoiding strollers, etc. but will take a different tack in terms of attaching with our new baby when he or she arrives in a few months.

The post is about how to treat children under about 2.5 years. After that children become more independent and autonomous with different needs (e.g., as little hovering parenting as possible). But children also inherit epigenetic changes from their parents and grandparents, like a proneness to anxiety from trauma in the prior generations. These also influence the child's temperament, along with birth experiences and other early life effects.

The evolved developmental niche or nest is intended to provide a buffer against a variety of insults but some are ingrained.

A child under five is still under development and so I would give your son more time and your being responsive is the best thing.

I have absolutely the same experience as Melanie. My baby who is now 3.3 yo was extremely unsettled baby since the day he was born and I went out of my way to be accommodating to his needs, which has cost me a lot. His first year was the worst year of my life. It did ease up a bit, but parenting is still pretty much a challenge. I was always there for him, settling, hugging, taking care. Seen many doctors, health is ok. I believe he grew up to be a very demanding kid as a result, requiring a lot of attention, not liking being on his own even for a minute. He is a happy kid, but our family life suffers a lot. Now I believe that you should build boundaries for kids from day one. I know that there are kids that I very easy to handle for which it is not an issue and you can give them all the care in the world as they are not asking for much, but there are also others that need reasonable approach. Also with spanking. I opposed any sort of spanking before my boy was born. Now I think there are exceptions. For example, when he constantly hit our pet-chickens with sticks, throw stones at them not once, not twice, but hundreds times. We explained, put him in the naughty corner, shamed, talked, denied pleasures - nothing worked. Spanking is the only thing that shakes him a bit. Or when he runs on the road despite many explanations..

I know he seems so much bigger than when he was a baby, but 3 year olds, 4 year olds, even 6 year olds are still INCREDIBLY young. It sounds like you ladies need a book on what's developmentally appropriate at certain ages. There are also massive variations from child to child.

I've parented 4 children the way this article suggests. My 14 year old is a wonderful child. Kind, helpful, generous. My 10 year old is a loving child, but unfortunately has several mental health problems that have nothing to do with parenting. If I'd him first, I probably would have thought it was the parenting, not the child. It's quite likely that he would have been far worse without the early investment of touch & care, though.

This article is about what science, biology & anthrpology show about what children need, not about how an individual child raised this way doesn't live up to his parents misguided, culturally imposed expectations.

I never met my mother. She buried me in the sand in the beach and I had to crawl out and crawl down to the water while my brothers and sisters were picked off by seagulls and crabs. Once in the water I had to teach myself to swim, then hide in a floating patch of seaweed until I was big enough to discourage would-be attackers from swallowing me whole.

A little more attention and nurturing and a little less abandonment would have been MUCH appreciated. ARE YOU READING THIS, MOM?!?