Thursday, February 19, 2009

Sometimes I compare myself to Crater lake. It's so blue and beautiful and there is plenty of life in it's waters, but there isn't a beach to play on. People who swim there have to want to swim the deep or stay floating in a boat on the surface. I'm kinda like that with my friendships. Floatys or scuba gear. There isn't very much room in me for splashing and sunbathing on the beach. I don't mean to be that way...just the way I was made. I have worked hard over the years trying to build beaches along my shores for surfacey relationships, and there is more places in me for that than there used to be, but I think those relationships are much more satisfying to my "kind-of" friends than they are to me. I always want to be allowed to really, really love someone, really commit and know that they'll commit back. I know that's rare, but I love the deep blue. I just do.

It's a pretty rare vocal chord dysfunction. They don't know what causes it or how to cure it. It's basically a twitch in my vocal chords that makes me unable to produce consistent sound. I could get Botox injections and that would help for awhile, but it has to be done every 2-3 months and who wants to do that? I get by. I'm used to it. I actually don't even know I sound wierd anymore until someone asks if I'm sick. I used to think Jesus would heal me someday so that I could sing again, but I don't care very much about that anymore. I mostly miss singing lullabys to my boys and they're getting too old for that anyway. And every once in awhile I think I'd still like to be an American Idol (lol), but only like once a year or something! I miss singing with Sandy though.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

...only, apparently that makes me unoriginal. I can't believe how many people put that very thing on their 25 things list. I suppose that's why there are so many books on the shelves now. I've started the process, thanks to Tyler. He's almost finished with his first book, and I'm jealous. I realized I'll have the summer off work and I can write...by the pool. Now you're jealous, right?Actually, I'm gonna go work on my book right now instead of sitting here blogging. Yay!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I sang, studied, recorded...even took a conducting class...yes, I know how to conduct.I went to Greenville College where Jars of Clay met and got their start...they were a year younger than me. I was actually friends with Joe Porter...one of the original drummers. He married my vocal coach, Miriam....and now I don't play or sing. I never know what albums to buy and I couldn't name any one of the top 10 songs on any chart, because I don't really follow that scene anymore. That's quite an unexpected twist in my life path. I would never have guessed that girl would become this girl. Hmm.

I LOVE having people in my kitchen...well, not as much my kitchen now, because it's sort of narrow, but I'm just as happy if they are sitting on the other side of the bar chatting with me while I cook for them. Cooking with/for people is something that makes me feel truly happy... It may even be a "friendship standard" for me. If we're close friends, you're most likely one of the people who likes cooking with me or loves to sit at my counter while I cook...hmm. And you probably know where the glasses are because I get so busy I always forget to offer you something to drink and you know that my ice machine doesn't work and that it's ok to just open up the freezer and stick your hand in! ...and you don't really mind that. :-)

I think that fire breathing dragons and sea monsters (especially sea monsters) were real once. I sort of think there may still be a giant sea monster or two in the ocean depths, but they are probably near extinction or something so they don't show themselves, of course. I think there had to be something to inspire all the tales and those pictures of the sea serpents that you always see on ancient maps, so I believe that there really was something huge and menacing, and monsterish out there once. Same with the dragons...there was once some scaly "dinosaur-like" creature that had an ability to do something that could be translated somehow as breathing fire... I'm quite sure of it.

Monday, February 09, 2009

I don't know many people who sew anymore. My grandma, my mom...but none of my friends. I've done a little of everything...clothes, curtains, huge roman shades, prom dresses, costumes, a custom slipcover for my hide-away sofa. Someday my tour de force will be an exquisite wedding dress. I don't know why, I've just always wanted to sew a wedding dress. I don't know who it will be for, and I will only agree to do it if it is out of the most sumptuously expensive fabric (I'm thinking Dupioni silk). The chosen pattern will have to be exquisitely difficult and perfectly designer fitted to my beautifully proportioned model. A perfectionist's dream, I suppose. Designer perfection in white...and to have my hands all over that fabric for days and nights on end. Delicious! Maybe someday.

Friday, February 06, 2009

...sometimes. I know, how wierd is that?I have a friend who owns an alfalfa ranch out in Christmas valley and I like to drill him on all the latest hi-tech farming techniques. I like to "buck hay". Ok...so I've only truly done it once, but it was late at night with a tractor and a flashlight and my whole family and we had to hurry before the rain came and that made it feel like the REAL thing. So fun! I dream of having a hay loft of my very own...and my very own chickens and ducks and a big plot with rows and rows and rows of daffodils. I'd do tulips, but the deer will eat them, so it will have to be daffodils. And then daisies in the summer...for my love. They're his favorite. And I think we'll grow raspberries to sell at the local farmer's market and we'll definitely try our hand at some hearty variety of grapes, because who doesn't want a vineyard, right?*sigh*I ache just thinking about it.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

True story. I've always had one leg longer than the other. My mom used to have to hem my pants different on each leg. My right arm is longer too, but I suppose that's good for when I have to reach the children in the backseat...(you know what I'm talking about, moms). But years ago, when I started exercising diligently, my hip on the longer leg side began to really cause me pain.

Then one day there was this woman I knew who had come over to my house to go over a Women's Bible Study plan we were making. I jumped up to go get a book and my hip grabbed as it would often do. I turned and said to her, "I think I should have you pray for my hip", and I proceeded to explain the long leg thing to her. "Oh, I have the faith to pray for that!" she said...which I thought was a strange response. But she sat me down in a chair with my two legs stretched out on a chair in front of me so that the difference in length was apparent. Then she prayed and three of us (her 9 year old daughter was there) watched my other leg grow... literally, right before our eyes. We looked at each other stunned...no one was sure what to say. Finally the woman said to me, with as much shock in her voice as I felt, "did you see that?" "Did you see that?" she said to her daughter. We all nodded. I remember what it felt like too...I think i would expect it to feel like stretching if your limb grew, but it actually felt like a sort of pushing or sliding...from the inside, along my femur. That was the part that had me dumbfounded even more than the watching...the feeling. So I stood up then, and as soon as I did I knew I was taller. I guess that makes sense, my leg grew, but that surprised me too. I felt taller.

I don't really tell that story to anyone, and I know that seems near heretical to folks who seek hard for healing miracles. I definitely have no doubt that it happened and that it was definitely outside of naturally occuring incidents, but here's the thing. My hip pain never got any better...it is aching right now as I sit here typing. I live around it and often ask Jesus if he'll heal me so that maybe I'll be able to nail my pirouette on that side someday, but it still hurts everyday. Even after all these years (I think that was at least 6 years ago), I can't make sense out of a growing leg on one hand and chronic hip pain on the other and I don't really think of it as a "miracle". It's more of a dog and pony magic trick to me.

But it did happen. When Steve got home that night I made him measure me. I couldn't get over the "taller" feeling. I measure 5'8" now. My medical records and driver's license insist that I'm only 5'7", but I can show you otherwise.I'm taller. I just don't know why.How's that for strange and random?

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Which is an interesting way to put it, because what I actually want to write is something like: "#9-I have a tattoo", and leave you all surprised and amazed. But I'd be lying. I don't have one and as much as I kinda want one, I'm not getting one, and here's why.

I hope to someday die a martyr.

(This is the part where you say, "...what in the world...that's a freaky thing to say")

But it's true. I have to die, at least that seems to be the general trend these days, so why not really die and have it maybe be meaningful? A martyrs death. The only trouble with this is...I don't really feel like being tortured. Firing squad would be ok, burned at the stake would be tougher--but still ok. But tortured for hours, days, years...I don't really want to do that, you know? Which brings me to the tattoo. If I got one, it would be a very small mark, just plain letters on my ankle and it would say Jesus' (note the apostrophe indicating posession). Not "Jesus" like the God person. Jesus', like the owner. But I think having that name singed into my ankle might be a really good excuse for some Muslim or Hindu radical to cut off the foot, torturishly. Someone once suggested I could put it on my neck instead because then if they went to cut it off, viola, Martyr's death, but I don't know. I think I'll stay unpainted and just know instead what I would have put there on my little ankle if I'd had the nerve to be tortured someday

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

I adore classical music. Mozart tops my list of all time best creative geniuses.I actually kind of like opera too, and broadway show tunes and Jason Mraz and Coldplay's Viva la vida. But my iPod playlist is so random, I can't play it around other people because someone always rolls their eyes and laughs at me..."you like that song?" Yeah. I usually apologize. I probably shouldn't.

A couple of things made me think of this today. We were trying to plan a trip to see our sweet friends in Seattle over Valentines. Heather is the loveliest hostess and I aspire to be like her. When we go there we get to stay in our own little apartment out back while the kids sleep together in the main house. It's so amazingly lovely. But the best part is that she always has a little radio playing in the room, set to the classical station, 24-7. You walk in and instantly feel like you're someone else... somewhere...else. I play the classical station more now.

But the main reason is that I came across another really wonderful TED talk today. I love these things. I really want you to watch this one. I really want you to be moved by it too...especially the very end. I enjoyed it so much I took some time to write down a couple of quotes. Maybe they will inspire you like they did me.

"The conductor of an orchestra doesn't make a sound. He depends for his power on his ability to make other people powerful. My job was to awaken possibility in other people."

Wow. I want that to be my job. Maybe I should have been a conductor.

Here is another:"You notice that there is not the slightest doubt in my mind that this is going to work, if you look at my face. It's one of the characteristics of a leader that he not doubt for one moment the capacity of the people he's leading to realize whatever he's dreaming. Imagine if Martin Luther King had said, "I have a dream…of course, I'm not sure they'll be up to it…"

Certainly that one has to be the topic of some bloggish exposition sometime doesn't it?

There is more amazing stuff. Go watch the talk. 20 minutes. It will change you...make you shiny eyed. And I'll bet you'll love classical music more. And then I won't be as much a freak from the very start of my 25 things. (grin)

I think those 25 random things lists that are flooding Facebook right now are really great. I have loved learning all these really fantastic random facts about friends I haven't seen in years and even things about the friends I see all the time that I never knew. So fun. I decided that what makes them so enjoyable is realizing how much we can relate to other people's quirks...and sometimes, even if they aren't our quirks, we kinda wish they were.

I decided I'm not going to post 25 things on Facebook. For starters, the fad has sort of run it's course. I'm not sure mine would get read at this point anyway...and that's a lot of random things to come up with at once just to have them not read :-) Then there's the fact that a lot of the ones I'd like to write are just copies of someone else's and that would feel so unoriginal...even if they were true. But mostly, as I think through what original random things about me I might write on my 25 things...I realize that I'm a freak, and I'm not sure I want to publicize it to all 129 Facebook friends. Mine are wierd, some more so than others, and I think instead of making people go "awww...I do that too..." they will make people go, "...what in the world...?!"

But still...It's stuck in my head and everytime I have a random moment these days, I phrase and rephrase it in my mind for writing on that stupid list. lol. Then today, I was reminded how much I love classical music by a video I came across and decided...I'm going to do my 25 things a little different. I'm going to post them here...one at a time. Just for fun. So here I go.