Welcome to the forum, take it one day at a time. Look forward to seeing your posts, please keep posting, whether it's a good day or a bad day. And please consider having a look at your nearest GA meeting.

In Unity

Simmo

One day at a time. My last bet was 15/03/2016 and I hope and pray each day that it stays that way.

01:40: Day 1 Completed
Notes: Thoughts about first time I gambled. How different times call for different treatment. Sometimes I gambled to avoid emotional outcome of sports result. Sometimes to avoid career. Sometimes it was fun and in control. However this gateway into always wanting to be one up and martingaling escalated out of control. So sometimes I think I just want one last big bet so I can quit forever as a winner. From all gambling. And then maybe have a small bankroll for pot shots as entertainment as opposed to trying to get rich or settle a score. But then I know I think differently in an irrational emotional state I can't predict which is scary and annoying.

Overall day 1 was easy enough. I'm a bit concerned about where the energy goes though. Like if I'm not gambling then I'm concerned I may gamble in covert ways with spiritual predictions and so forth.. This is why I get confused. Also starting to doubt already if 90 days of quitting a specific behaviour of putting on a bet is enough. Like I am surrounded by advertising and past reminders. One thing keeping me going is I have never quit anything for 90 days before so partly inspired by novelty.

Thinking about weird things like what if someone hands me a scratch card at Christmas as a gift or invites me to a house party where there is poker. These things will probably not happen but I don't know how to participate in society and not have vices.

Furious try not to over think it after a day or two. Find a GA meeting so that you can talk to fellow compulsive gamblers and get some day by day advice about abstaining. You are also worrying about things which haven't happened yet so try not to do that, it might cause you to stop your recovery.
If you are offered a scratch card for some reason, just say no thanks, you don't gamble any more. Keep it simple and just for today. Good luck.

17:08: Day 2 Completed
I count myself as ~£xx down from gambling, and a bit of time and stress. I think it is mainly due to mental health and no job. Being able to cancel a loan from this means I could actually be up lifetime but thinking in those terms it gets all a bit meaningless. I keep thinking I want to triple down on an area that hurt me the most. On the other hand I don't know. I don't think a win solves the problem. I don't know anything that does. In this way I see that my compulsion is logical. It is kind of like an understanding nihilism that comes after being happly betting, being addicted to winning, being drained chasing. ******. The world won't care.

Is there a sense of bargaining going on? In early days of stopping, this can be the case. Remember why you want to stop in the first place, and keep reminding yourself. Have you looked at getting to a meeting?

In Unity

Simmo

One day at a time. My last bet was 15/03/2016 and I hope and pray each day that it stays that way.

I keep thinking about things when I am abstaining. Like how I still had some previous bets coming in when I wasn't gambling. It is just I put them on ages ago in advance. So then I don't know if this ruins abstinence or not. I had a thought to put on a bet on something I normally put a bet on. I didn't because I had no option to. If I had the option to, I was going to pretend I put a bet on it and instead put a fake bet on it. I have created a fake sportsbook in the past that proved to myself I was saving money using it instead of putting on real bets. Again I don't know how much of this is messing with abstinance. It is quite a bit I guess. I feel as long as I don't put I real bet on then perhaps that would be enough for now. But it is weird watching my mind finding ways to do everything but that behaviour.

Regarding groups in real life, I live in a pretty isolated place. I have been to 12 step groups before in other cities and tried to join others nearby but I have failed in the past. It causes me more stress to attend these things or to keep inquiring.

Recovery isn't easy, it requires things to be done that go against the grain. The path of least resistance is to gamble. Connect with others, it make be uncomfortable at first, but stick with it. i know it causes stress, in time once the gambling is less prevalent and the stress will reduce.

In Unity

Simmo

One day at a time. My last bet was 15/03/2016 and I hope and pray each day that it stays that way.