Accumulated Debt without my knowledge....

I need help and advice. I have lurked on this group and wanted to join. You ladies always come with good advice, so I would like to get your thoughts on my situation.

My husband and I have been married for nearly 3 years. We got pregnant right after we got married. We never combined finances. I always thought it was weird. I have tried numerous times and confronted him to try and talk about finances. I have been really busy with work and our child that I have just let things go. I have been pressing him to combine our finances. We are both working professionals and make good money. I always have extra money in my bank account. We don't live an extravagant lifestyle. So I have minimal credit card debt. It is something that I manage and easily pay off. I learned recently by secretly looking at credit card statements (which I feel like I shouldn't have to do since we are married), that he has 2 credit cards with over $16K in credit debt! I cannot believe this. This is the second time he has hidden/lied about debt. He literally lied to my face last weekend when I confronted him. He told me had had $5K in credit debt.

I am floored. I feel like he lied. I feel like he has been hiding this. So now with my couple thousand we have nearly $20k in credit debt. Oh my god! This is a deal breaker. Not the debt (which I am angry about), but the lying. He lied a couple years ago when we were buying our home and was hiding debt. He never told me about. I know there is so much more I can write. I feel emotionally drained right now. I feel so hurt. This ruins everything. I cannot trust him. I wanted another child, but I can't with someone who lied to me. Curious how you would take this or if this happened to you. I appreciate the feedback/advice.

Comments (31)

matthewsmommy428 · Pass a Note!
Posted 13 minutes ago
I need help and advice. I have lurked on this group and wanted to join. You ladies always come with good advice, so I would like to get your thoughts on my situation.
My husband and I have been married for nearly 3 years. We got pregnant right after we got married. We never combined finances. I always thought it was weird. I have tried numerous times and confronted him to try and talk about finances. I have been really busy with work and our child that I have just let things go. I have been pressing him to combine our finances. We are both working professionals and make good money. I always have extra money in my bank account. We don't live an extravagant lifestyle. So I have minimal credit card debt. It is something that I manage and easily pay off. I learned recently by secretly looking at credit card statements (which I feel like I shouldn't have to do since we are married), that he has 2 credit cards with over $16K in credit debt! I cannot believe this. This is the second time he has hidden/lied about debt. He literally lied to my face last weekend when I confronted him. He told me had had $5K in credit debt.
I am floored. I feel like he lied. I feel like he has been hiding this. So now with my couple thousand we have nearly $20k in credit debt. Oh my god! This is a deal breaker. Not the debt (which I am angry about), but the lying. He lied a couple years ago when we were buying our home and was hiding debt. He never told me about. I know there is so much more I can write. I feel emotionally drained right now. I feel so hurt. This ruins everything. I cannot trust him. I wanted another child, but I can't with someone who lied to me. Curious how you would take this or if this happened to you. I appreciate the feedback/advice.

I'd be issuing an ultimatum; hand me ALL financial control or I'm out. I wouldn't combine finances until he's paid off the debt. And I'd have no problem keeping my word because I've BTDT, got the Tshirt with XH. I'm too damn old to put my financial security in jeopardy anymore. Not that I have to lead a glamorous life, but I don't want to be caught with no retirement, debt and no college savings for my DS. I'd also try to lock his credit reports (he'd have to be the one to do it) so he couldn't take on more debt easily.

You said yourself that this behavior is a deal breaker for you. I would advise you to confront him but I think you are so emotionally charged that you should take a breather first. Take some time for yourself to calm down and maybe write a list of your grievances. Confront him when you are both in a stable state. Don't attack him though, try to talk it over as calmly as possible. Nay e you can make a combined budget plan or see a financial advisor.

If you still don't see eye to eye then you might need to take further steps. What is it that you want from your marriage as a whole and how is he not contributing to that? Are there other areas of your marriage in which you don't feel fulfilled?

OP, you two need couples counseling, stat. You need a professional to help you decide whether you are willing to remain married to this financial liar and cheater, and what it would take for him to regain your trust.

You used the words "deal breaker," which seems to suggest that you're not really interested in finding out what your DuH charged or why. But if you do stay with this man, you will want to insist on total financial transparency on his part until he can demonstrate an ability to set priorities and manage his money like a grownup.

I agree with Mrs Veronica look at your marriage as a whole and decide if it's worth saving.

Although he did something terrible by lying to you, you also took vows when you married him to stick together through good times and bad. This is not something that isn't fixable. I would have him run a credit report in front of you and see what other damages there are. You need the whole picture.

When you get it visit the Debt Free board and get some help getting your budget (together budget) under control and paid off. You will need to be in control of all the bills and do them with him so he learns how to budget properly. You may not want a joint account but you need access to all his banking info and to work this out he must be willing to surrender it all to you.

You married this man for a reason and now you have a child together, really think about if it's worth fixing or not.

It can work, I did something similar to my husband and now we are out of debt with money in the bank. I never learned how to manage money when I was young and my parents always got me out when I was stuck. If you want to make it work you can it's just going to take some time to trust again.

I confronted him this evening. I cannot forgive him. As much as I want to try to forgive him, this is the 2nd time he has lied to me. It really makes you think, "what else is he lying about??". I feel betrayed and like he could care less about me and his son. I will not combine anything at this point. I have always been financially responsible. I cannot even understand how he has this much debt. As of right now, I'm walking. I cannot trust him ever again. I cannot stand lying!!!!

Ok, you made your decision. Now that you know that this is unfiaxable, you need to get your duckies in a row. It's great that you are financially responsible, that will absolutely help you in the long run. Are you kicking him out of the house, or are you taking the kid and leaving? Consider as many options as possible for now. Take any necessary important documents/files as you can, make copies, etc.

Op I understand that he broke your trust but please take a step back, cool down and then make your decision. While I don't allow lying in my relationship either I would look to see if there is a underlying cause. Could he have a spending addicting if so he might of lied about it because he is embarrassed and ashamed. I think he needs to go thru counsiling couples and indvidual while living apart. He needs to give you full disclosure to everything. Credit card statemnts, bank accounts, pay stubs, credit report. I would really hate to see you go thru the divorce and then wonder if it could of been saved by at least trying everything. Especially if he has a spending addiction.

I don't blame you for leaving. I'm not sure what I would see as worse 'financial infidelity' or an affair. I'm anti-debt other than a mortgage. No personal debt, school debt or car loans. So being married to someone who put our financial future at risk would not fly with me.

The fast that you had to find out by looking at statements would be a deal-breaker for me. You gave him a chance to be hoenst and come clean and he chose to lie.