Check out Hot Topic’s brand new Twilight: New Moon collection. Back when I used to hang out at the mall, Hot Topic was the store for goth kids, which is why it seems weird that they’d be selling Twilight clothes now, because from what I remember, goths weren’t into abstinence. In practice, certainly, but as a theoretical concept, no. I also find it strange that abstinence vampires and ethnic temptation wolves get the same t-shirt treatment as fake wrestling guys. GRRR, MEANINGFUL GLANCE FROM THE TOP ROPE!*

They also have chunky charm bracelets, perfect for the fat-wristed. Er, husky-limbed. Anyway, toss one in the rascal on the way down to the food court there, lardy. Meanwhile, this fetching Edward Cullen hoody comes in dazzling, Salt Lake City Caucasian, and goes perfectly with this necklace you can put your coke in. And finally, don’t forget your “authentic prop replica jewelry” which contains no gold, but is truly the gold standard in oxymoronicness.

*Here are some other abstinence parable-related wrestling moves, courtesy of the guys at Kissing Suzy Kolber: