Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Genie, you bitch, give me what I want!

There are moments in my life when I just wish that I had my
own personal Genie with unlimited wish supplies. And I swear that I would only use the wishes
for good, never for evil…..well, never for like super evil bad purposes and I
would never hurt anyone, well I would never hurt anyone who DIDN’T deserve it….if
you are a douchebag you are going down.

For instance, the other day, I picked up my girls from
school and there is roughly a 30 minute wait in between when Ankle Biter #1 and
Ankle Biter #2 get out of school. So,
our usual M.O. is to go to the park right by the school and wait for #1 to get
out of class. It’s at said park where
the Mom’s all gather around and rummage through the kids backpacks to discover
a few things.....

Why the
hell didn’t you eat the lunch I packed you?
Jesus H. Christ, I fucking made you that sandwich and you didn’t eat it……or
the snack? Because you what?? You bought a fucking donut at recess time
with your hot lunch account?? What the
HELL…..Arrrgghhh...... (You are too young for me to be closing accounts because
of bad spending habits)

Crap your teacher writes a huge weekly summary and I get
exhausted reading all the things that I am supposed to be doing at home with
you. Thank God for Nanny……if I have to
do multiplication with you one more time and you tell me that I don’t know what
2 times 2 is….I will bang my head repeatedly.

How do you end up with seven socks in your backpack? Did you put them in here? Are they yours? Did you have a sock puppet show and tell day?
Or what??? My god, this must be the
other side of the sock black hole that enters through my washing machine and
exits out into your backpack….EUREAKA….I found a match!

The Park Moms are bitchy and I want to stab them in the
eyes. Oh, I am sorry that I was in your
way and you felt the need to hustle me out of the way because I was in “your
spot”. I didn’t realize that your name
was emblazoned on the park bench and that your precious spot next to your “park”
bestie was in danger due to my fat ass sitting here. Yeah, and I loved the “huffing” noises that
you made while turning your back away from me to craw about how difficult it is
for your child to be in first grade. And
boy was I ever excited when all your “besties” left you that I would be so privileged
for you to look down your nose and finally talk to me. I guess my rolling my eyes at you and walking
away, cemented my status as the outkast of the “Park Biotch Club”. F-U-C-K Y-O-U.

So, it was out of this angst that I started daydreaming my
Genie Wish list…..in between clapping for my little Mary Lou Retten on the
monkey bars.

In no particular order…..

I wish that Carrot Top would just go away, every time his
picture appears on the internet or on TV, I get very nervous. He looks like he eats people in a Peppermint
Patty crossed with Silence of the Lambs kind of way. I could just imagine him saying that he wants
to cook you with carrots and brown sugar in the microwave, Clarisse….fffffttttt.

I wish I could freeze time, like this one show that used to
be on when I was a kid. I can’t remember
the name of the show, but he could totally freeze time with this really cool
old fashioned pocket watch (apparently Google knows what I am talking about
because it was called, “The Girl, the gold watch and everything” and it had Pam
Dawber in it) Who the hell doesn’t love
Pam Dawber…..I kind of hate her because I have a slight crush on Gibbs and she
has been married to him ….like FOREVER.
Anyway, I would totally freeze time and draw mustaches on those park
biotches.

I wish that I had a money tree in the backyard that bloomed
whenever Nordstrom’s was having its ½ Yearly Sale. That way, I could get whatever I wanted
totally GUILT FREE and its ALL ON SALE!
DOUBLE POINTS

I wish that Pandora would always be on in my head. That way, whenever I needed music to motivate
me, it’s there. For instance, who wouldn’t
want to hear “Bottoms Up” by Trey Songz while you are guzzling champagne and
dancing around the house? Perfecto….. Or belt out Little Lion Man and all the rest
of the awesome songs from Mumford and Sons while you are stomping around. ‘Cause they fucking rock. Or you want a little makin whoopee music….some
Barry White or a little Red Light Special….for you know…da mood. Or when you need a good dose of the Cure, Siouxsie
and the Banshees, Lenny Kravitz, Garth Brooks, Colbie, Robin Thicke, Sugarland
and all the other artists that I love in random genre’s.

I wish that I push a mute button on people. You know those people, the ones that open
their mouths and its like nails on a chalkboard. For no particular reason, you hate them. Hate the way they talk, hate the way they shuffle
paper on their desk, hate their squeaky shoes, and hate how they try to
interact with you when they know that you hate them. MUTE….it solves so many problems.

I wish that my Office Voodoo Kit really worked.

And last but not least, I wish that my friend Jenn and I
could always work together. She is the best! I miss her……she
will always be my one hope. (PS - I'm trying to upload our video....) done