Inadequate

I know it been quite a while since I blogged and I don’t even count the couple posts I reblogged while I was deployed to Louisiana; however, I once said that the best bloggers don’t blog all the time, so by now I should be a friggin Albert Einstein. All joking aside, I’ve legitimately been busy the last month and now I just have a lazy Saturday to update my blog.

Actually there were a number of topics I wanted to write about after coming back from Louisiana, top of which is the nearly two weeks I was off all my meds due to a rapid deployment. I’m not sure it would have worked out anyways even if I had time to pack and hadn’t needed to make an emergency run to Wal-Mart to have clothes for the deployment. It was an interesting look at detransition and a post for next time.

I’m at a point of feeling inadequate, and hating it. I’ll have been on hormones for a year in about a week and a half, I’m not quite where I wanted to be physically (compared to the last time I traveled down this path). Though I’m taking Estrace instead of Premarin, which is a weaker estrogen. I’m ahead of where I was emotionally and everything else, so I call it a draw I guess. The inadequacy comes mostly from my genitals, or lack thereof.

I can accept a lot, heck Janet Reno has to face the world every day, so can I (no disrespect, Ms. Reno, if you’re reading this). I can’t describe it as anything else but feeling like less of a female, second class even, simply because I lack the requisite genitals. I didn’t choose to be born with the wrong parts. Yet, somehow I’m inferior to the Janet Reno’s of the world (again, no disrespect) because I lack certain parts.

Never mind the fact that my skin is soft, my boobs are definitely beyond moob size or the fact that my partner thinks I have unusually female cheekbones (he doesn’t know otherwise). I’m an inferior woman, in my own mind, even, because I have an outie and not an innie. It’s not going to be any different until I get it corrected. I have no specific plan for transition so it’s all simply abstract at this point anyways.