Just me using this blog to write what comes to my mind, express my feelings, bring out some of the issues I have been dealing with, and to help me overcome the ghosts of my past.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Time for common sense to kick in

Today started out very sleepy, i longed for my bed but instead i chose to go to the gym... why i dunno, but i saw the hot guy there again, i guess i may have creep ed him out by staring too much but if he looked in the mirror maybe he could see the sexy body i was looking at.

on another note Jeff is still away on business, James is not happy with me because I'm staying at Jeff's house while hes away, but he expects me to jump into his bed whenever he demands it on his schedule, as much as i like him and sometimes love him... i cant do that on a promise and an empty one too with nothing to really back it up other than sweet nothings kisses and i couldn't even say promises for the future.
Seriously ..! I'm supposed to leave my bf for someone who has girlfriends <- yes plural i knew this from the start and he knew about Jeff from the start. so i don't get why its bugging him, torture myself by moving back in with my mother so i could be closer to him ... i don't know how since hes leaving in a few days ? doesn't want to come back... fuck it ... i put my self out there i let him know when I'm available if he cant take me up on the offer then its too bad i don't control my schedule neither do i have the luxury of that .

then he shows up on messenger knowing that i was online since 4pm telling me he wished he got my message earlier cause he has the other chick over for dinner and studying and hes exhausted and blah blah blah then flips it around to me saying i was the one who isn't available etc.. this is too much

i love both of them but someone is going to get hurt.... probably me. I'm hurting already.

2 comments:

OMG that sounds like Liam and Jack! Liam would see I'm online for hours and hours then say he didn't get the message. He would miss me and talk every day for a week then fall off the fking earth! AND blame me because I wasn't available. This is where you realise: He is a nutcase. Drug probably did it. Demented. Nothing to love about him. Feel sorry, yes. Love, no.Then don't get me started on Jack. I was really pissed at him this week for not keeping me points for our next Euro trip so I could upgrade. Instead I see in his airline chart that he has this week (con fucking veniently) used up all his points on a family holiday later on in the year.We are fighting so much lately. Mainly money I think. He gives me fifteen grand when I get back, but nothing is for exciting things. Just bills, getting new apartment, fixing my car, bills bills bills. And now nothing. I hint that I have forty dollars to my name (I calculated that's how much I should have, after all expenses), and I get nothing. Nothing. Then I get so depressed because I'm having some sort of an enurism (??) and beg him to come over before going 'home', because I need a hug badly and he's the only one who can do it. AND he tells me I'm backing him into a corner. A FUCKING WHAT???!!! A corner?? I need a hug and this is threatening him? Am I missing something? So all the thousands of times he tells me he loves me, he really just loves texting and talking. All the times he tells me he wishes he could give me a hug. All the times he tells me he is here for me. It's all talk. It's all crap to say he is the winner of the legion of gentlemen. But he doesn't realise he's not a gentleman. He's an asshole. He is a szitsophrenic (?? God my spelling is bad today!) creep.

Just think. If you would behave like the men in your life do, would they dump your ass? Perhaps they would love you more, the sick assholes.

I need to read the Stop Kissing Frogs book again... Also, He's Just Not That into You... You need to also! We need to remind ourselves that we are getting depressed, because we are not getting the loving men we deserve.. and we are teaching ourselves how to love the men we shouldn't even have in our lives.Thanks for checking up on me, actually I've had a really hard time this year with everything. The worst actually. I think it's from not working and being secretly independent from Jack. I have no other BF (dumped Liam, he was a rollercoaster weirdo). I just need to get my finances sorted out, independence going a bit better, and my expenses down a little, so I can break off from the torture of Jack. He is bullying me more and more all the time. As soon as I appear weak, I kicks me down.Like my lawyer said regarding me being able to file for a defacto (Mistress) divorce settlement: you are young, it was your choice, he didn't force you, you took the opportunity. She suggested I get my act together and get a real man. Not a cave man. :-)