Fashion blogging. To some it’s a tainted term, to others it’s a dream job. And if you’re gonna be CEO/HBIC you can’t just fashion blog. You must be Fashion Blogging. You must be almond milk latte art, discontinued Jeffrey Campbell platforms, casual arm parties, aggressively staged #rawvegan breakfast art, and whirlwind trips to LA.

But while the internet is technically a democracy, don’t also just think anyone can rock up to the Fashion Blogging HQ armed with a WordPress login and a StarbucksTazo tea. Fashion blogging is just like any other job: You must start from the bottom (Brooklyn,) know your questionable tastemakers (Terry Richardson,) avoid the snack machine, and try not to consciously start a fashion blog at all.

Luckily there is a rather bizarre interview with blogger Rachel Lynch of IHateBlonde on TheGloss today, in which she spills her secrets about what it takes to make it as a fashion blogger. Bottom line? You gotta werk, bitch. (But only on an empty stomach.)

1. Be thin.
You will look taller in photos and better in clothes. Constantly Instagram your thigh gap. Occasionally “binge” on a bowl of cabbage.

2. Obscure everything you’re actually wearing with bigger sunglasses and even bigger shoes.
This will not only make you look thinner, but more important.

3. Realize that other fashion bloggers like 4th and Bleecker are only famous because of their parents.
Laugh flippantly about this, toss your hair extensions, and remind yourself that you pay your own rent.

4. Live in New York City.
Not in one of those “apartment” things, you poor, in an expensive condo. You might have to start by living in Brooklyn (ew) surrounded by built-in, ineradicable grime like graffiti on your balcony and Colt 45 posters in your kitchen. But it’s worth familiarizing yourself with the L train so you can later return to shoot edgy editorials on Bushwick’s Castle Braid rooftop. Remember you’re an “editorial fashion blogger” rather than a daily outfit poster.

5. Don’t buy any clothes yourself.
There are so many people that are trying to do fashion blogs. The difference between them and you is that they’re suckers and you’re not. Remember this isn’t a hobby. It’s not a drill. It’s real. Live. Raw. (But still dreamy.)

6. Don’t actually intend to start a fashion blog.
Only start a blog so you have a place to post film photos of your hot friends. Then slowly start to realize that you are the stylish one. You are the star. You are the blog.

7. Aim to shoot with Terry Richardson.
Or if that fails, underbut photographer Jason Lee Parry.

8. Never eat food.
Go on a wine kick. A champagne-only diet. Get YOLO and order champagne at dive bars. You can still pose with vintage glass bottles of Coca Cola, you can’t put them anywhere near your mouth. And if you have to consume a solid, remember the calories quadruple if you forget to hashtag it #rawvegan.