Dadequate

Parents, Let Your Children Be Weird

I’m reading an excellent book right now called The Geeks Shall Inherit the Earth. It’s the newest title from Alexandra Robbins, the best-selling author of Pledged and Overachievers. It’s a fascinating look at kids on the “cafeteria fringe” in high school — loners, gamers, band geeks, nerds — and how the characteristics that tend to set these teens apart from their more popular peers tend to be the same characteristics that will lead them to success as adults.

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After all, Bill Gates spent more time programming than socializing with friends. Lady Gaga was a social outcast for her originality. Steven Spielberg was an unapologetic film geek. NONE of them were popular. They stood out from their high school peers because they were passionate about things that weren’t always cool. Those passions — and the drive to pursue them — are precisely why they are so highly respected today. Robbins labels this idea “Quirk Theory.”

There’s a lot of great stuff for parents in this book. I can’t recommend it highly enough, and I’ll blog more about it in the weeks to come. But today I wanted to focus on something from the book that inspires and challenges me. In her reporting, Robbins spends a ton of time with several real-life high school outcasts. It’s not surprising that all of them struggle to fit in with their peers, but what IS surprising is how much pressure to fit in comes from their parents…

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Well-meaning moms and dads who want their kids to be “normal” or popular.

Parents who criticize their teens for not conforming to social standards related to weight, clothes, mannerisms, haircuts, and interests.

Parents who want their own teens to be accepted by the cool kids, and end up asking them to tone down the things that make that kid unique — and primed for success — in the first place.

Robbins writes:

Imagine what it must be like for teenagers like Wade or Eli, who don’t feel they have room to breathe in their own homes. If you are a parent reading this book, you care about your child. If she is quirky, unusual, or nonconformist, ask yourself whether you are doing everything you can to nurture her unusual interests, style, or skills, or whether instead you are directly or subtly pushing her to hide them.

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I was a high schooler with unusual interests and skills (religion, art, creative writing). I didn’t often fit in, though I desperately wanted to. I can identify with SO much in this book. And my wife and I are raising two kids who are definitely unique. One of them is so much like me that I worry about the next few years, because I know how hard it can be. It’s tough not to fit in.

But I don’t dare try to dull my kids’ weirdness — because those very quirks are what make them one-of-a-kind, and primed to succeed once the teen years are in the rear-view mirror. I should be feeding those passions and letting them grow wild rather than trimming them back.

(Disclosure: I was sent a free review copy of The Geeks… by the publisher, but without any expectations attached. I get sent a lot of free books, but don’t always blog about them. I’ve been pleasantly surprised how good this one has been.)

Thanks for this recommendation! My nine year old is already a huge SSF geek and my 11 year old is definitely quirky. I waffle between encouraging the geek/quirkiness (I am a big SFF geek too), and wishing they fit in just a little better. Middle school is hard enough without ending up on the fringes.

I want my kids to grow up with their identity in Christ and celebrating who He made them to be. I don’t want to stifle what God is doing to develop them into the men that He needs. I don’t know how Doctor Who and Yugi’oh factor into that – but I’m willing to bet that God does.

Man, I am intrigued to check out this book now. I was a smart kid in high school and tried to in but not of the popular crowd. I jumped from social group to social group as a way to combat my inner weirdness and introverted nature.

And now I have two daughters, the eldest with tendencies just like me.
Not having read the book (though I now want to), and just reading your review of it makes me want to encourage my daughter to embrace her uniqueness instead of striving to fit the popular crowd.

I am not yet a parent (though we are due to welcome a son at the end of october), I have great fears being a good parent. I viewed myself in my teenage years as an outsider/non-conformist type that also wanted to fit in in some way. I am afraid that my child may end up on the outside wanting to be on the inside.

I know that whoever God has created my son to be, I want to embrace that and encourage that.

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Jason Boyett lives in Texas with his wife (whom he’s known since preschool), one daughter, one son, and one Yorkie. Jason is a self-employed copywriter and the author of books about the end of the world, the afterlife, and religious doubt…among other things. He has not written any books about fatherhood. Read more about him at jasonboyett.com.

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