A Pastoral Missive to Gen X Women

My day (and avocado toast) was ruined by the well-meaning forward of an article called The New Midlife Crisis for Women. It is on Oprah’s website, naturally. So while I was expecting some #liveyourbestlife -ness, I was slammed with the reality of your lives. I gotta say, I am worried.

I was born in 1982. I am a bi-generational (just made it up) person: Gen X and (likely more) Millennial.

My closest girlfriends are all 5-10 years older than I am. I need them to tell me what comes next in this thing called life and they need me to tell them it is okay to order prescription glasses on the internet.

But this in depth study of Gen X women in middle aged crisis has got me scared. I need 40 to look good. But according to this piece of writing you ladies are one bus stop away from killing the driver and running everyone over with the bus. And since y’all have been haunted by the idea that you have to do ALL OF THE THINGS, I’m not totally sure you won’t figure out a way to both drive the bus and run over yourself with it.

It sounds like there was a cataclysmic collision of bad things that happened along the timeline of your lives. You are like Forest Gump without the chocolate. You were born into the AIDS crisis, your young working lives have encompassed two recessions, and you got terrible advice about which hormones to be taking (take the hormones, girl!). Unlike millennials, you were still told that buying a new car, new house, diamond ring, and cereal were great ideas! We have since learned that the first two may not be as good an investment as we were told, the second one is covered in blood, and the last one is full of carbs.

HALF OF THE ARTICLE WAS ABOUT PERIMENOPAUSE AND HOW IT LASTS FOR A DECADE. Which frankly has me wondering where I can get my bus driver’s license.

There was even a bit about how hard it is to be the sandwich generation and to listen to your parents opinions on things (child rearing for starters). Girls, we need to have some #realtalk about the parents of Gen X’ers. Some of them were great. And some of them smoked weed through the Civil Rights movement and now they believe in crystals. Say it with me, “Th-er-apy.”

For me, the crux of the article was the fact that you were all the first Title IX babies. Which meant that everyone from your second-wave-feminist-algebra-teacher to your rose-colored-glasses-almost-went-to-Woodstock-mother told you that you could be anything you ever dreamed. Which is perhaps the most damning thing we can tell a child. And so there is this theme of exhaustion, emptiness, and meaningless that came up over and over again in the piece.

Ladies, you were lied to and you should be just as furious as you sound. Work won’t make you happy. But neither will kids. And both of them at the same time can feel impossible. You were told to invest everything in stuff that just falls apart: your family, your house, you job, or simply you. And now you’re staring at the next few decades and thinking, “What is the point exactly?”

What is the point? Falling apart is the point. Just fall apart. Like completely.

Let your marriage fall apart, your children fall apart, your life apart. And then see what rises to the top.

My favorite women, and the ones I hold dearest as friends, have let it all fall apart. They are broken and they know it. Related: They are all Christian. And not the kind that just keep trying to optimize their faith, but the kind that place their wrecked lives at his feet and just say, “Jesus be a Healer.”

The difficult thing about this suggestion is that we don’t get to choose it. A child gets sick, your husband cheats, you lose your job, and/or your mental health collapses. And you can choose to keep going on that treadmill of misery or you stay on it until it hurtles you into the air. Because this is no way to live.

If this sounds like a terrible option for your plans this year then I have another suggestion.

Find a hospice to volunteer at. Go to an AA meeting. Google “grace” and “church” and your zip code. Hang out with people who life has sliced into two. You will see yourself in them. And you will find relief there. Jesus might just show up too.

8 comments

When you said you found that article on Oprah’s Web site, Sarah–I knew it would be about ‘Having It All’, for Gen-X’ers and Millenials!! What other sort of article would it be??

I’m a Baby Boomer (mid-60s): no husband, no kids–and yet, still being bombarded with stuff that says ‘you-can-be-ANYTHING-you-want-to-be’. I’m with you, about figuring out how to ‘both drive the bus and run over yourself with it’!!

I wish I could post a pic of myself in my funky old-lady glasses frames. Thanks for this article. At 48 (1971) I am finishing about a 4-year period of falling apart. By God’s grace I have not ended my marriage or done any extra damage to my children. I’m not sure enough emphasis was placed on the way we began parenting without smart phones and then had to parent through them. My inadequacies at least are built into the time I had to spend learning to parent while learning to live my life through this 6×3 rectangle with no grossness blockers. I also think that we move a lot more often which adds to feelings of loneliness and alienation. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement!

Brokenness is the only way to go! Been there done that and the process is on going. Painful! Ugly! Messy! And downright worth it because for me it led to freedom, redemption, love, healing, and a New life in Jesus Christ! Being loved by God can hurt sometimes but in a good way!
Behold I am doing a new thing!
Is. 43: 18-19
And when he does brokenness is always involved. He won’t put new wine in an old container.

Loved this article! I’m a mid-60’s Baby Boomer, single (as in the never married type but I came close twice to getting married) and total get where you’re coming from. However, I had no idea that Gen Xers and Millennials are essentially experiencing the same thing but with the “You can do and be anything!” message from the cradle up that Baby Boomers didn’t get. Since I had no kids of my own, I have little experience with the cultural differences between me and those younger then me (Gen X and younger). Seems we all end up in the same kind of mess no matter what our age is, eh? Thanks for writing this great piece. It made my day!

Had a full-fledged meltdown last night about this very thing which you’ve assigned words to, so thank you, thank you for your timeliness. Pair this with the complete, seeming invisibility of Gen X across the culture and then wonder why we’re all losing our mid-life minds. Gen X ladies, solidarity.

My husband attended a women in wine event yesterday . He got to meet some of his wine making hero’s . He was excited to bring me the promotional material a bag , a planner … yet among the treats a marketing card stated “ women represent 10% of all the winemakers in California……. Share your support and enjoy so and so’s wines .”
1. Why the percentage? Why separate .. why can’t wine makers just be wine makers ?
2. It made me as a woman feel like a child at a craft fair . Expecting people to buy your product based solely on supporting a gender seems so childish .
3. We also went to a local brewery where they used the “ the only Ohio woman malt farmer’s malt “ they cried as they used her malt . I’m not the best historian but surely this is not the FIRST woman to farm malt .
It’s belitting and almost embarrassing . Just be a malt farmer , just be a good winemaker … That should be enough.

Excellent piece and very encouraging. We have so many women that came before and did heroic things only women can do. Today we are faced with percentages and numbers . The presidents SOTU address numbering the slots that have been filled by women . All seems so childish. Just do the job if you are called .
We have chickens, so we can watch similar events unfold in the coop. It’s ironic .

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