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Scott Wegener is a multi award-winning creative writer who believes in looking on the lighter side of life’s predicaments but still values how serious life is. This site features a wide variety of Scott's published and performed works. If you want to use any of these pieces, or commission something origional, contact Scott Wegener

Nov 4, 2006

How to answer the age-old question, “How are you?”

The Edge, November 4, 2006

A recent study has shown the question “How are you?” is clearly the most commonly asked question by humans. For animals, it was “Shall we sniff?” and computers, “When shall I randomly close this application?”
The “How are you?” question came in oodles ahead of second place “What’s the meaning of life?” and there was a tie for third, “Would you like fries with that?“ and “Do I look fat in this?”

While “How are you?” has many, many answers, here’s a list of the top 50 responses:

Good

Fine

Well

Terrible

Pleasant

Sick

Not telling

Do you really want to know?

Nifty

Novel

Nauseous

Better than you

Irritable, go away!

Because I am

Why do you ask?

Are you serious

Speak up

65 per cent water

You tell me

Mind your own business

Did you hear that?

If only I knew

I have leprosy

Don’t bother me

Do I know you?

Don’t beat around the bush, just say it!

Who sent you?

Let’s take this outside

Not in front of the children

I beg your pardon

Do you really, really want to know?

I didn’t do it

5 kg over my goal weight, you?

Still breathing

Open to suggestions

Fighting fit

Over it

I could tell you but I’d have to kill you

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that

No speak English

Can you write that down

Interesting statement you make

What a ridiculous thing to ask

And you kiss your mother with that mouth?

That came out wrong, didn’t it!

Craving sweet potato ice-cream

Signed, sealed and delivered

Not interested

Like a duck in the mud

Do you really, really, reeeeeally want to know?

You definitely need a Tic-Tac or something because your breath STINKS!

The very first person to ask the question “How are you?” was Adam when he first met Eve. In the Edeenian dialect they spoke, “How are you?” is pronounced “Hubber hubber.” Keep that in mind the next time someone asks you “How you are”!

Did you know: if 6 billion humans said “How are you?“ only once in one day (taking 1 second to say it ), more than 190 years of time would be wasted from the small talk. in this time another billion people would have been born. This time could have been used far more productively playing solitaire. (though a billion births is pretty productive—hey, maybe if we all stopped saying "How are you" that would solve the population problem???)

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Scott Wegener holds the copyright to this piece, along with everything else on www.ScottPublished.com , but he may well let you use it elsewhere, just ask! This was written by Scott Wegener to accommodate a specific brief. If you want something written specifically for your needs, just ask for a quote!