Monday, February 4, 2013

Facts About Kids

So, I woke up this morning and thought “Hey!It’s been a while since I’ve scared the shit
out of all my childless readers.I’m
going to put that on my to-do list today!”

And, unlike every other thing I have on my to-do list today,
I actually remembered to do this one!Lucky you!

Today we’re going to discuss facts about kids.There are certain truths in parenting that exist
no matter who you are; doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, if you’re black
or white, if you parent like Mother-of-the-Year or if you parent more like…well…me.No one can escape the reality of these
situations.Ready for a glimpse into
your future?Let’s roll.

Ok, the first thing you have to know about kids is they run
on their own time.

They do not now, nor will they ever, take your schedule into
consideration.If you planned a play
date, a doctor’s appointment, a trip to the park etc. during the afternoon your
child will almost certainly take an extra-long nap that day which will run over into your scheduled activity. They can somehow sense that you have
somewhere to be and take immense pleasure out of their ability to ‘eff with you.

Conversely, if you plan to sit on the couch and catch up on
some shows you’ve had on the DVR for months those bastards will close their
eyes for 20 minutes and wake up raring to go!

And there is nothing you can do about any of this.

Sorry.You’ll think
you can.You’ll think you can mess with
their sleep schedule and come out a winner but that’s a fool’s bet.If you put them to bed early, they will wake
up early.If you put them to bed late…they
will wake up early.That’s just a fact.

Another fact is no matter how smart your offspring is when you
are alone with them they will never demonstrate their impressive skills while
in the company of others. Your child may be able to recite Hamlet…in Latin…yet
will suddenly forget how to recite his own name if you attempt to make him do
it in public.

On the flip side of that, a kid will freely talk about stuff
that happens in your home that you would rather they NOT repeat in public.If, for example, your husband accidentally
hits your son in the face with a toy car he will go into school with a black
eye and, when asked what happened, will say “Daddy did it!”

There are lots of things you'll say/yell/scream at the top of your lungs and no matter how many times you repeat yourself your child will always ignore you completely. For example, saying "Don't touch that" is like putting up a huge blinking neon sign that says "YOU MUST TOUCH ME!" and then covering it in glitter and puppies and candy.

Here’s another helpful tip that I have:If your kids are being quiet GO FIND OUT WHAT
THEY ARE DOING!It’s almost never good.

Occasionally, however, kids will sit nicely and quietly...maybe
they’re watching a movie and are relaxed and content. You might think that would be a good time to
take a quick shower.But no matter how
quietly they were sitting, the second you step into the shower and get that
soap in your hair all hell will inevitably break loose.

Know that movie ‘Field of Dreams’?And the whole “If you build it, they will
come” thing?Well there’s a phrase like
that I use when referring to my kids.It
goes “If you’re eating, they will find you”, no matter how sneaky you think you’re
being… and then you’ll have to share…or fight them off.

Oh, and a quick note about playthings: the second you throw
out/give away an old, unused toy will be the exact second they discover that’s
the ONE TOY they can no longer live without.

Fact:If you do
everything for your children they will never become independent.Other Fact:Everything in your life will now take nine times as f’ing long.

Then you’ll come to the part in your life when your kids are
potty trained.And you don’t need to
carry around all that extra diaper stuff.Hooray!But be warned, your fully
trained, completely accident free toddler will choose the ONE TIME you leave
the house without back up clothes to pee himself…at the library…during circle
time.

My last pearl of wisdom goes out to the formerly childless
but currently relatively new parents.If,
by some miracle of life, you have the opportunity to get all dolled up and go
out do not…I repeat DO NOT…go near the baby right before you walk out the
door.Your precious little bundle will
take that opportunity to puke on you.Every.
Time. Blow that kid a kiss and run like hell!

There you go, my friends! I hope I’ve been able to open your
eyes to some of the, um, joys (?) of parenthood.These are just the facts, don’t shoot the
messenger.In fact, get the messenger a
cocktail; she worked hard to bring you all this information!

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About Me

I'm a sarcastic tell it like it is mom who knows that parenting is hard...but tequila helps...
Here I tell my story about being a mom of two wild and crazy boys. Enjoy my son's antics, would ya? Someone really should after all...
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