A blog about video games and not much else. Updates at intervals of time.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Principles of Persuasion Mini-Paper

So as has sometimes happened in the past, I was suffering writer's block for a paper I didn't want to write, and in an attempt to alleviate this wrote a fake paper instead. It didn't do much to help my productivity, but it was pretty fun to write. It can be found below, unedited.

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Principles of Persuasion
Mini-Paper

Part One: Principle

Since the far-off and distant times of like, the invention of
cup holders, people have practiced the subtle and intricate art of persuasion. No
one knows exactly where persuasion comes from; though some ancient tribes
speculated that persuasion is actually just self-respect exiting the body. Modern
day persuasiotician scientists have often tried to recreate persuasion in laboratory
conditions in the form of rats trying pick-up lines on slices of cheese, but
have yet to meet success in their trials. Lacking any real scientific proof,
methodology, or research whatsoever, there is really only one logical conclusion
our society as a whole can come to: that persuasion is Voodoo Space Magic from
Space.

Webster’s dictionary notably does NOT define persuasion as ‘ritualistic
shaman hoodoo from the deepest reaches of the galaxy’ (source: Professor Captain
Webster, PHD). But on the other hand, what the hell does Webster know? Who made
him the authority on what words mean? I mean have any of you even met him? I
don’t think I’ve even met a SINGLE person named Webster in my life. Webster
sounds like the nickname of the tech geek in some cheesy B-movie around the
time the internet was first invented, and such movies are notoriously bad
sources for anything apart from high fashion and string theory.

So now that I have conclusively proved that Persuasion and
Voodoo Space Magic from Space are one and the same, I would like get to the
specific focus of this paper. There are many types of Persuasion/Voodoo Space
Magic from Space (hereby abbreviated to VSMfS), but the exact principle of VSMfS
I’ve chosen to focus on today is Nagging.

Discovered by Christopher Colombus in 1243 upon ancient
tablets deep beneath New Jersey, Nagging is an extremely well-known and explored
variety of VSMfS. Especially by my ex-wife. Hey-OOOO! (source: god damnit
Barbara the game was only another 15 minutes, you harpy). The methodology of this principle of VSMfS is simple: The
target of the technique or ‘Persuadotargetman’, as it is technically referred
to, shall have the ever-loving shit annoyed out of him by the persuader or ‘Assmaster’,
as it is technically referred to. The target will then shower positive responses
and reinforcement on the persuader even though they clearly don’t deserve it
after what they did with your estranged half-brother.

Like all VSMfS, Nagging only works due to the shadowy machinations
of a cabal of cosmic sorcerers from beyond the stars. It is theorized that in
particular, Nagging occurs when a Zylaxian Moon Elder sacrifices a space whale
in the middle of an asteroid field. The dark blood magyks then drift on
celestial breezes into the nearest asteroid, which causes it to ricochet in the
general direction of their target. Once the magyks reach the correct solar
system, their advanced tracking technology seeks out and infests everyone I’ve
ever loved. It is still unknown to this day why the moon elders do this, but I
wish they’d cut it the fuck out.

Part Two: Example

In
order to properly explore the concepts of my principle, I shall now provide a
real life example of myself attempting to put it in action. My particular
example of this principle of VSMfS took the form of me attempting to convince an
employee at my local Burger King to give me his life savings. The exchange
began when I pulled up to the speakers in the drive-thru and my target said
something unintelligible that sounded like it was coming through Beelzebub’s
echoing plastic rectum. Nothing unusual having occurred so far, I began to
inquire exactly how much money he had in the bank and if he would kindly wire
all of said assets to me. After awkwardly pausing and asking me to give my
order again more clearly, I repeated myself. At this point the target awkwardly
replied that he couldn’t do that and could I please give him my order. Seeing
an excellent opportunity to employ my VSMfS technique, I asked him the same
thing again but in a wheezing, irritating voice, following up by mentioning
that he NEVER did anything I wanted. With growing concern in his voice my
target still refused to give into my demands. At this point I repeated my previous
requests with the addition that maybe if my target would get his ass off the
couch and his hands off the whiskey for five damn seconds I wouldn’t have to
ask him this. It was at this juncture that my target informed me that he was
contacting the authorities, and the speaker went silent. My further attempts
met no response, and so I concluded that my study had reached completion and
left.

Part Three: Evaluation

Though I have been eagerly checking
my bank account for a sudden transfer of thousands of dollars for weeks now, I’m
afraid I may have to determine my efforts a failure for the time being. That
being said, the remainder of this paper will be spent analyzing why exactly my VSMfS
was unsuccessful.

At first glance, one may merely
suspect that my attempts were ineffective because I did not offer proper
tribute to the Zylaxian Moon Elders. However, in accordance with the scientific
method, I performed a naked rain dance and devoured the heart of a yak in my
neighbor’s back yard the night before my test trial. I can confirm with 110%
certainty that this is the proper way to summon the attention of these moon
elders (source: books, probably; like really reliable ones), so clearly I
cannot be at fault for my recent failure.

In light of this information, we can
only reasonably conclude that the Zylaxian people have something against me
personally. Though clinical studies are still being conducted, our researchers
suspect that this is due to jealousy of my rugged good looks and charming, devil-may-care
attitude. Now that we have determined
what went wrong with my attempt at VSMfS, the next step is to consider steps to
take in the future to prevent a repeat failure.

In regards to improvements for next
time, I have realized the most logical course to take next and have since been
taking preparatory action for my solution. I found a schematic for an advanced
laser rifle in either some ancient ruins and/or some kid’s deviantArt account,
I can’t recall which. Next, I assembled a near-identical, functioning facsimile
of these blueprints by combining various parts from my local hardware store and
some fancy looking bits I extracted from my radio. I then approximated the
chemical reaction necessary to power the lasers with some stuff I found under
the sink. This leaves me almost entirely prepared to take my next rational step
towards future improvement: War.

After purchasing what a legitimate
car dealer assured me was an authentic Native American space canoe, I am but
one step away from initiating the final stages of my plans. At daybreak four
days from now, I shall launch my craft from the back parking lot of the K-Mart
on 5th street. But I cannot man the vessel without able hands to assist
me in navigation, operation of space sails, and in-flight puppet shows. I
thereby offer forth an open invitation to noble souls who dare to fight with me
in the struggle to rid the universe of Nagging forever. Meet me at launch day
and we shall assault the Zylaxians head-on, striking at the very heart of their
empire. In a stunningly brilliant tactical maneuver, we will capture and hold hostage
their high priestess. Then we shall order their moon elders executed and ensure
that never again shall their vile magyks be used for the evil of isolating hard
working men from their friends and family by way of irritating back chat. Then,
with the last of their art dead and space-buried, we shall take up their mantle
as our own and make use of those dark sorceries to extract our grim revenge.