Wednesday, March 2, 2016

You can't spell "salmon" without sal, mon.

Morning in New York City. The wind carried the faint scent of impending spring along with its usual halitosis. I gazed across the rivulet of diarrhea that separates Manhattan island from the mainland, its untreated fecal matter being vigorously churned by collegiate Water Freds:

See? Water Freds:

Crossing the lift bridge and alighting upon Manhattan I followed a bus festooned with Vision Zero propaganda:

It's depressing to consider that if they were making "Pee-wee's Big Adventure" today the studio probably wouldn't release it unless he was wearing a helmet:

Helmetless cycling is right up there with smoking when it comes to stuff you're not supposed to show people doing anymore.

Incidentally, by far the most common bike-related dream I have is that the bike race is about to start and I'm rushing to put on my bib shorts but I can't because I'm caught in the Lycra like it's a spider web or some sort of super-sticky goo:

(Okaaay...)

If you've ever tried to put on your cycling attire while you're still wet from a shower then you are familiar with this frustrating sensation. In fact I'm surprised nobody's ever held a contest to see who can get "kitted up" while wet the fastest. They could do it right after the trackstanding event and right before the Brompton fold-off.

Anyway, in the evening I more or less reversed my commute. It was the usual fair-weather shitshow. You know, drivers blocking the protected bike lane even though there's parking available five feet over:

And food delivery professionals salmoning at high speed:

("Whoosh!")

And idiots just hanging out in the bike lane with the car door open while they mash their stubby fingers against their fucking smartphones:

I like to imagine that, thanks to smartphones, the morons of the world are interconnected by a worldwide spoodge glob of stupidity just like the one ensnaring He-Man up there.

Speaking of food delivery professionals, while I'm mostly against salmoning (I did invent the term, after all), I tend to cut the food delivery people some slack. The truth is these people work hard, and there is a way to salmon without being obtrusive about it. So as long as they're not getting in anybody else's way I'm fine with it.

However, yesterday evening, one particular food delivery person took his salmoning too far. In fact he was coming right at me in the bike lane. For a moment I considered swerving out of his path. After all, I was on the diminutive Brompton, and he was on some sort of pizza delivery tank complete with a front rack aimed right at my clown bike's steering stalk:

But then I decided "No! I will stand my ground! No salmon shall oust me from the bike lane that is rightfully mine!"

And so I looked right at him unwaveringly, and even my ridiculous bicycle could not undermine the magnitude of my determination. At the very last moment the salmon swerved, and as I turned to watch him I noted with glee that he was forced to plant both feet on the street in order to regain his balance.

I'm proud to report that between my fury and my lack of a helmet yesterday's ride would have cost me nearly one thousand of your Australian dollars, or "koala foreskins" as they're colloquially known.

By the way, it appears you can also incur a $106 fine for riding a bicycle "in incorrect position." To this end, police in New South Wales have been trained in the latest bike-fitting technique, and if your position is not set up for maximum efficiency and power transfer then you will be charged accordingly.

Nevertheless, instead of doing something sensible like getting rid of the stupid law, they've come up with some ridiculous disposable liner system that works like those ass gaskets you find in public restrooms:

As another major feature of the smart bikes, each bike will be equipped with a basket that holds a helmet, replacing the previous plan to store reusable helmets inside vending machines at each bike shareThe company’s smart technology and helmet-in-basket design significantly reduces capital and operational costs given the system’s ability to allow for smaller bike stations and the elimination of any need for costly helmet vending machines and return receptacles, as previously proposed by Motivate.Instead, each bike will be equipped with a basket that holds a helmet that will contain liners for people who will want to use it for hygiene purposes. The helmets, purposely designed by Bell Helmets for Vancouver’s bike share system, will be free for bike share users and maintenance crews will service the helmets on a daily basis.

Pathetic. These idiotic helmet workarounds just go to show how these laws serve no real purpose and are basically religious/superstitious in nature, no different from a ritualistic diet or refraining from performing arbitrary tasks on the the Sabbath--though I suppose "helmet service technician" does look good on your resume.

93 comments:

123. If you think that big government interferes in your life too much NOW, just wait till the government starts regulating the genetic constitution of your children. Such regulation will inevitably follow the introduction of genetic engineering of human beings, because the consequences of unregulated genetic engineering would be disastrous. [19]

I read on the internets that BSNYC,INC. is partnering with Specialized to develop an anti-salmon bike. It will have a full windscreen on it, so that its rider does not get splattered with Chinese food.

If you've ever tried to put on your cycling attire while you're still wet from a shower then you are familiar with this frustrating sensation.

On a number of occasions I've climbed out of the Hudson and tried to put on socks & bike shoes quickly. (It's called, 'Transition one'). It helps to have a spare bidon to spray the salty river water off your feet. I know the 'experts' will ride without socks & jump on the bike with their shoes clipped in first, but I don't want to be part of anyone's highlight reel.

Two things: (1). A big resounding YES for the bike bell girl in white. Nice legs. And (2) Since when does a company who is already in the business of making bikey type things start a kickstart program in order to make more bikey type things?

You should have yelled ..."Ramming Speed", as the food delivery guy approached. (If you had a set of large drums mounted on your bars, you could have beat them, to increase your cadence)PS. You need to cut off at least a foot off of that quill stem. That, and a picture of you on the "altered" bike, in a long sleeve skinsuit, would make "Photo of the Year".

I've noticed at the movies that people smoking in the flick will earn you a PG rating; suppose biking wihtout a helmet will get you there too? In that case if a movie showed a helmetless rider smoking on a fixie would it be rated "X"? If not it probably should.

So, every bike will have a helmet sitting in a basket on it? How do you ensure that people get the right fit because, as well all know, a poorly fitted helmet can be less safe than no helmet while a helmet you can't even get on your head is equal to no helmet.

"These idiotic helmet workarounds just go to show how these laws serve no real purpose and are basically religious/superstitious in nature"

Odd you saying that today as on the ride in this morning I was chuckling to myself about your referring some time ago to a bike helment as a "styrofoam yarmulke" (something must have reminded me of it, dunno what. Maybe I saw some polystyrene.) Anyhoo, it occurred to me that it's an apposite description as the helment and the yarmulke have in common that they are headgear worn to demonstrate that the wearer is of a particular faith position.

So if you're riding a bike with the curved handlebars like they use in the Tour de France is it more important to have your hands near the dick-brake levers or near the bell? Watching that guy tear up the shared-use path with only the bell-shield readily to hand gave me the willies.

Why would you shower and then put your lycra on. Showering before you get sweaty seems a little neurotic. Or, are you showering before dressing in your finest formal bike kit to attend an haute couture event?

whoa nelly! never saw the vancouver video, but at the 4:45 mark if you had turned right (to the west), you'd have been at patisserie lebeau! WHICH IS THE BEST!!! accidental caps lock there, but if you love pastries, you should know this.

Luckily, I backed the Knog Oi bell before you posted it here. It's probably sold out now! And when are you going to be in Vancouver again? We can Cat6 on those new bikeshare bikes.With or without a helmet.

I don't know about Vancouver, but in Seattle, you mostly don't get bothered about being helmetless if you're a middle class white. I mostly where mine because it helps when dealing with cops if I crash.

I remember back in college the "F*** the Jews" sign my friends and I would hold up in front one of the sororities now and then. They still wouldn't sleep with us, though. I guess it wasn't a very persuasive sign. In retrospect, probably should have said "please."

Still No Deaths on Citi Bike, 2.5 Years (reported in Dec. 2015) and we are a year and a half past 23 million rides and no deaths reported in August 2014, and still no fatalities and very few injuries (like 3 in NYC, and 5 in 6-7 years in The Mini-Apple, MN) and still the helmet worshippers continue their brain dead arguments for helmets. So apparently helmets cause gross stupidity. So why not helmets for things which are more dangerous, like well: Everything. Somebody has probably died from knitting in the last 7+ years of the bike share era. On rare occasions some pedestrian moron tells me to wear a helmet, and i have dispensed with all civility, just flip the bird, and tell them "you should wear a helmet, Fucking Moron!"

One bike share customer has died in Canada, but they were wearing a helmet, which probably was at least partially responsible for the fatality, cause helmets really do suck that bad.(Oh and i guess canadians don't count)

Well cross off Vancouver, New South Wales, and Seattle off my vacation list. Are municipalities that cash-strapped they need to extort fines from cyclists for not wearing helmets? I mean we all know a foam hat does nothing to protect a cyclist from a 2 ton automobile.

I can't stand it any longer! The world has gone stark, raving mad. Sure, Snobberdoodums: the rest of YOUR day passed as if in a dream, but in my books every single fucking day is a nightmare, living in a world where a narcissistic, borderline personality like Donald Drumpf has even a remote chance of holding America's nuclear codes. WTF are you people THINKING??And on the other side of the planet, you can get a $400 ticket for riding hard? Are you fucking kidding me? Meanwhile, no single government on Earth is prepared to actually stop drivers from speeding or even texting whilst in control of a vehicle, and thus every single day thousands of people are maimed and killed by cars out on the roads.Healments for bikeshare bikes are just a great way to spread lice. No. Thank. You. Very much. These are dark, desperate days indeed. The Canadian courts struck down legislation denying people the right to die with dignity, but honestly, if you're really ready to check out once and for all, it's not that hard. Hell, there's a road on every corner, and billions of entitled motorists happy to help you out of here, once and for all.

Marky, if you have been riding for 50 years without a helmet I think you are a very lucky man to still be alive, I sincerely hope your luck doesn't run out any time soon. Some people like to test fate or have a death wish, maybe you are one of them. Good luck riding, stay safe.

I'm guessing the author of the above asinine shit is a stupid fat fuck who can't see anything wrong with driving their monster SUV to MacDonalds drive-thru. Stupid fucks who wouldn't have a fucking clue indulging in censorial nonsense give me the shits.

Fabulous post today, just fabulous. I am so sorry I missed it yesterday. I so much want to be a part of the fabulous comments that enhnce the fabulous nature of this fabulous blog. Really, all involved, this was the most fabulous edition of this fabulous blog.

Speaking of Helment Laws, over in the Northern end of NY's grundle, aka Rockland County, they also have a Helment Law requiring anyone riding a biek to wear a helment, a step up from the NY State law requiring helments only on persons below age 14. But the maximum fine is only $50 in Rockland County, same as the NY state law. And I've never seen it enforced. Unlike Piermont police staking out their red light and pulling over every cyclist that runs it, and Nyack police, who periodically have stop sign pogroms against cyclists. Maybe they just add the no helment fine to the red light and stop sign tickets they write.

The next time I read a blog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as much as this one. I mean, I know it was my choice to read, but I actually thought you have something interesting to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something that you could fix if you werent too busy looking for attention. Jianhuaedu.comDid08.comHotelsinvenice-italy.com

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!