Before this weekend's Iowa Straw Poll, now is the time to superficially judge the Republican presidential candidates. So here, a surface-level trip through the Grand Old Party

8. Newt Gingrich
Some professors are sexy in a tweedy, Kevin Kline kind of a way. And they say power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. So having been both a lecturer at West Georgia College and a lecturing bore as House speaker in the '90s, you'd think Gingrich (thrice-married letch that he is), might rate well here. But somehow Newt just makes us think of our pocket-watch-collecting, Civil War-memorializing uncle who hasn't had sex with the lights on or his socks off since Reconstruction.

Obama or Gingrich?: There was that $500,000 "line of credit" at Tiffany's, but he'd probably propose afterwards. Or worse, during.