that hair though

I’m not sure how the time got away from me. The phrase “the days are long but the years are short” couldn’t be truer. How is my baby almost a year old? How is my other baby almost 5? I know all mother’s say this and we are all in awe of just how fast time goes when a milestone hits, but honestly this has me in tears. The fact that I will most likely never carry another child. Never feel that baby growing and moving inside of me. I will never hold another tiny human that came from me. I will never nurse that baby and the real kicker: I will never feel this needed ever again. Madison has already asserted so much independence. She makes it clear she doesn’t need me for much anymore. So, is it that bad that I am holding onto Emma extra tight? I don’t even mind still waking in the night to nurse her. In fact, I usually stay a little longer than necessary. Just watching her breathe and looking at her tiny hand gripping my single finger. But the thing I will miss the most is watching their hair when I rock them to sleep. I know this might sound crazy but when I look back I know it’s what I will remember the most. Their hair lightly swaying in crazy tendrils sticking out in all directions with each rock of the chair. Back and forth. I could watch it forever. And soon I’ll never get to see it again. Soon she won’t even want me to rock her.