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07 March 2009

irish spring

so i had a really rough day. i still haven't figured out what to do to distract myself from the ever lonely train ride to work. everyday is still a struggle. i thought i had it all figured out. i was happy, i was having a good time, i've met a lot of new people, everything was going great. even i was convinced that i was doing great. have i been lying to myself all along?

compliments came from all angles, no one had a clue i was still having this crappy feeling. i looked good and felt good so i thought i was good. there was even a time when i asked myself, if i had one wish right now, what would it be? of course she popped in my head easily but somehow i lost interest. then i thought i would rather not have a wish right now for i really don't know what i want anymore.

and now here i am again. same old sh*t. typing words coming out of nowhere.

i clearly understand that the odds of me giving up is the same as she coming back. yeah, i could imagine you reading this right now, pausing for a couple of seconds just to raise that hand gesture of an "L" in your forehead. go on, knock yourself out. say anything you want about me. i just wish this doesn't happen to you. of course there are people who have worse problems than me thinking we should trade places. but do they seriously think that knowing these things will make things better for me? or even for them for that matter. oh crap, i'm throwing punches under water again, i need to stop.

this is me having a major relapse. far worse than the relapses i had before. great. just great.