Quarter of a Century Blues

The Quarter of Century life crisis is something that I didn’t even know existed. Near my 25th birthday, I don’t remember if it was before or after, I was having this feeling of being both overwhelmed and dissatisfied with my life. I posted on Facebook that I must be experiencing an early mid life crisis. Then I friend of mine replied and said, “Its called a quarter life crisis.” I began googling this term and realized that I wasn’t alone, it is a real thing, and I wasn’t crazy for having these feelings.

In our society the way your “supposed” act or things our supposed to be doing at certain ages seems to have pretty much been erased. The ideas that 40 is the new 30, kinda means that 30 is the new 20. But those of us who did things the “traditional” way, meaning getting married and having kids in there early 20s seemed to have been left in the dust. We are not in the same place as our 20 something counter parts, but yet sometimes feel out of place with the 30 somethings that are married with kids, like us. I find myself wishing I could “hang” with my friends. I also find that when I do, I have to force myself to not talk about kids and marriage. When other friends pick up and go for the weekend, before I do that I have to make sure there’s somebody to babysit and/or if its not an outing that includes my other half, see that he has everything to “survive”. Then I finally get some fun out on the town and its mixed with wishing they were there, wondering if they’re ok, and trying to keep my friends from seeing my nodding off at 10.

Then there’s the other side of the big 2-5. Looking at what others have accomplished and comparing yourself to that. I have friends and acquaintances that have doctorates, own houses, businesses, are C.E.O. of companies and they are all still in there 20s. So on one side I’m thinking maybe I jumped into this adulthood too quickly, then on the other I’m wishing I’d buckled down and accomplished more. I mean, after all, I’m just a lowly “gym teacher”. (anybody that knows me, knows I hate that terminology) Sometimes I wonder should I just go find a job at some office, where I could possibly move up in my career and pay. I could stop teaching and go to grad school full time until I’ve reached my ultimate goal of having a doctorate. No, wait, I can’t do that. How will we pay rent, daycare, groceries, ect. with just the little I’d be able to bring in as a full time student?

Its not just the career advancements that bother me. Its every time I do get ready to visit or hand with some of my friends and I think about what they might be wearing, or doing to their hair. I look in my closet that included probably 2-3 outfits per season, that I really like the way I look in. I’m constantly plagued by trying to not look like a 30 year old “mom” all the time. I can wake up early and go on you tube and figure out some nice style to put the thick crown of natural hair I have in. But, I choose sleep and laying around every time. Its a sickness I can’t help thinking about and comparing myself to others. Its not that I wish bad for them, I just wish I had to the skill and organization to have it together myself.

Today is my husband’s 25th birthday. He has had some trials in his life, but threw it all he has managed to be the best husband and father anybody could ask for. Yesterday I told, him, to make a goal for himself, a realistic one. Something that in a year, if he had accomplished this he would be happy with himself. So I am going to follow my own advice. In 1 year, if I am pursuing my Master’s degree, 15 pounds lighter, and debt free, I will be happy with those accomplishments. I will let everything else fall into place. I am a mother of a wonderful beautiful son, a have a fulfilling job, and a husband that supports me in everything I do. I saw a meme on Facebook or Instagram, I don’t remember which, but it said something like, whenever you see someone and wish your life was like their’s, there’s someone else thinking the same about you. I try to keep that in mind. I may not be exactly where I want to be in life. But there is time to make it happen. I’m 2 years into the 2nd quarter century of my life. My plan is to spend this time making sure that when I hit 50, I can look back at my life and be happy, with no regrets.