The once great bastion of rural England, home of the "Archers", has
fallen to the New Religion. At a public meeting, on the anniversary of the
Queen's Accession, the village divided 25:21 in favour of merging with
Darrington and sharing their "Priest", the lovely Janet Fisher. This
much is true to life, i.e. abuse of the Pastoral Measure and a complete split in
the community. But...

As members of the clerical "Ambridge Appreciation Society" have
noticed, she is already winning round the opposition by her charm, common sense
and attractive personality.

Members reactions have been varied. One has returned all his books and
memorabilia vowing never to listen again. Another has written demanding that, in
the interests of equality she should be every bit as dull, wet and pathetic as
the series of liberal no-hopers that preceded her. While another confessed to
"not having listened to the tosh since they got urbanite writers more
interested in sex than farming."

One thing is for certain the original role model and advisor the late Fr.
Leonard Birch, a staunch traditionalist, would not be amused.

KUHRTAIN UP ON EVO HEAVE-HO

The overdue preferment of the workaholic evangelical Archdeacon of Lewisham,
Gordon Kuhrt - off to be Chief Secretary of ABM - and the imminent retirement of
Peter Hall, Bishop of Woolwich removes all vestige of evangelical representation
from the top ranks in Southwark diocese. This leaves the evangelically reared,
Bishop Roy, with a problem if he is to avoid the howls of protest from the
increasingly united ranks of Renewal, Reform and the Diocesan Evangelical Union. Applications
on a postcard from suitably qualified persons can be forwarded by "30
Days".

VICAR ROGER'S THE LAY CLERK'S HUSBAND

When Dr McDonough, former prison psychologist, applied for the post of
Baritone lay Clerk at St George's Chapel, Windsor the Dean and Chapter made a
ridiculous and wholly inexcusable assumption - that "Dr Mac" was a
man!

Not so. She is, in fact, the wife of former prison chaplain, Roger Stokes and
they have taken the Windsor toffs to an industrial tribunal for sexual
discrimination. Roger, out of full time ministry since 1989, describes himself
as a "freelance vicar" while "Dr Mac" is now studying
theology at Leeds University. Who knows, given time she may be able to apply to
be Dean for, as she perceptively pointed out, the Queen is a woman and Windsor
is a "Royal Peculiar".

SLEEPING WITH THE ENEMY?

Fr. John Greatbatch, Vicar of St John the Evangelist, Tipton was surprised to
see that the Lichfield Diocesan Directory had moved him to St John's Vicarage,
Heath Hayes. As a member of Forward in Faith, he was even more amazed to find
that a lady priestess was, apparently, living with him at the same address.

In order to defend the lady's honour and reassure his parishioners, he has
asked 30 Days to make clear that he has not moved geographically, morally or
doctrinally.

POKE IN A PIG

In early January advertisements in several national dailies invited comment
and evidence to a special advisory group on "Xenotransplantation" - no
explanation offered to those lacking a classical education. A phone call to the
Department of Health revealed this to be the transplantation of animal organs
into humans which "raises a number of ethical issues". So ethical, in
fact, that while Polly Toynbee of the Independent is on the expert panel, no
room is found for a religious leader of any persuasion.

Current work, we are told, is on "pig possibilities" - presumably
for men only - or perhaps this is just the long overdue revenge of the Gadarene
swine.

COMING APART AT THE EAMES

In an outbreak of intolerance, remarkable even by liberal standards, the
Assistant "Bishop" of Washington, Jane Dixon, has forced herself on
traditionalist parishes. On February 4th she informed the people and priest of
the Ascension and St Agnes that she would visit and celebrate whether they
wanted her or not. They did not. Her insistence was backed by the Diocesan,
Ronald Haines instruction that unless the priest opened the door and was present
throughout the service his license would be revoked.

Clearly our Ronnie has forgotten the Eames Commission as well as the original
General Convention promise not to coerce or penalize any conscientious objector.
Reminders can be sent to: Episcopal Church House, Mount St Alban, Washington
D.C. 20016

THREE DAY WEEK

A conservative parish in the Southern Province felt it was "being
loyal" to the C of E by not passing the resolutions. There is now an
interregnum. Reassured by diocesan platitudes that their "situation would
be respected", the wardens prepared for a visit from the Archdeacon with a
"suggested " incumbent.

The favoured diocesan candidate turned out to be a woman. The wardens
swallowed hard. Ten minutes into the conversation the Archdeacon felt that they
"ought to know she was a divorcee". Again they swallowed hard. The
lady spoke: "I want you to know, from the outset, that, although I am
divorced, I am in a relationship."

Able to contain himself no longer one warden had the temerity to ask,
"What sort of relationship are we talking about?" "Well",
replied the incumbent select, "my friend comes on Sunday and stays until
Tuesday."

Ecclesiastical detectives are believed to be looking for a priest or
priestess with no Evensong and Mondays off.

PUT IT THERE

Often wondered why you're depressed, bored, avoided by polite society,
unlucky in love and never get the job you go for? It may not just be your
membership of FiF! It may be because you have failed to grasp the principles of
Asymmetry, your colour scheme is wrong, your potted plants are misaligned and
you've bought a house in the 'Eye of the Tiger'.

Rubbish? Maybe. But it's expensive rubbish. Feng Shui, the Chinese art of
Geomancy is sweeping the chattering classes. Simply impart oodles of spond to
your local oriental Grandmaster and he will rearrange your home (and your bank
account). A Hong Kong Bank recently spent a fortune realigning its escalators,
while members of the North London Glitterati (or idle rich as they used to be
known) are frantically competing for the services of experts in this new form of
'take away' (strictly cash).

Don't be left out! 30-Days offers its own exclusive Readers' Service! Simply
take all your jewellery, antiques and bank bonds (with their debilitating
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