New here and kind of want some advice.(Trigger) Update page 6

Hi, I'm "newish" to Babycenter. I joined over a week ago officially, but I had lurked on my daughter's birth forum ever since I was six months pregnant with her..

I apologize ahead of time for posting this here becasuse I know my situation is no where near as horrific as some of the stories I've read here. That being said I am in desperate need of some advice and after lurking here I figured I should give it a try.

A little BG; I have had a bout with infertility issues and I had two miscarriages a few years back. My SIL is also had serious issues with infertility and we ended up miscarrying (my last miscarriage) at almost the same time. Because we both struggled with loss and not being able to easily get pregnant we grew pretty close and would talk to each other and vent to one another often. I really enjoyed having the love and support from someone not only in my own family but from someone who was literally going through the same exact issues as myself.

Well all of that changed when I got pregnant with my daughter (who is now almost 16 months old). For the first few months during my pregnancy things were okay between us but I noticed her not calling as much and she would often cancel set lunch plans ect ect. When it became obvious that my pregnancy was progressing with little to no problems that's when our relationship took a turn for the worse. I found out through other family members that she was telling my MIL that I was purposely shoving my healthy pregnancy in her face. I would NEVER ever do something that heartless. She eventually took me off of her facebook and stopped returning all my calls. It's not like I called non stop, but I would call once a week, or eventually every two weeks. Right around the time our daughter was born she contacted me via facebook and apologized for how she had been acting and even admitted that she had been hurt and jealous of my husband and me. I cried with her, but told her not to worry about anything because I knew the pain of infertility and completely understood jealousy (I had been there myself watching some of my friends have babies). Our daughter was born and she and her husband came up to visit us in the hospital, and bought my daughter a few gifts, one was a onesie (sp?) that had the quote "my god mommy is my favorite" on it. I didn't make a big deal about it because I figured she was just excited, but we hadn't even talked about them being the God-parents yet, and we had another couple in our friend circle that we were thinking of asking.. BUT because of everything she's been through and because of the onesie, my husband and I both agreed to just let them be her god-parents. She was really ecstatic, everyone was happy. Especially me. I know being a god-parent isn't the same as being an actual parent, but I felt we did the right thing by giving them that gift. Christmas 2011 came and something rather odd happened on Christmas eve night. We had all been over at their house and just as everyone was getting ready to leave (my husband, daughter and myself included) my BIL started setting up a pack n play and casually mentioned something about hoping my daughter sleeps okay in them. WE NEVER DISCUSSED HER SLEEPING IN THAT, so I was confused and laughed asking what he meant, and made a joke about how he should have pulled that out BEFORE we were getting ready to leave. This is when my SIL jumped in and so very casually said, "well we figured you guys would want some time to yourselves tonight, so we planned on keeping LO".... I was pretty uncomfortable and irritated, so I tried laughing it off and making some excuse that she couldn't stay because I didn't have enough diapers or enough changes of clothes for her, plus I was still breastfeeding her.. She then informed and showed me that "it was no big deal because she had taken the liberty to buy a few outfits, a pack of diapers, and a can of formula".. My husband and I both just looked at her like she had just lost her damn mind and firmly told her "no" and packed our daughter up and left.

My BIL called my husband the next day to apologize and said he honestly had no idea that SIL hadn't even asked us ahead of time if this was okay, and he had been under the impression that she had asked us and we were fine with it. He told my husband that he completely understood why we were so upset, but asked us to please just drop it and move on because SIL was embarrassed and hurt. My husband accepted his apology but I wanted to hear an apology from SIL, and she refused to give me one. Over the last year this event has caused a LOT of stress on our family, and we have distanced ourselves from them. SIL has yet to apologize and has tried calling a few times (specifically over the summer and then around our daughters birthday). Every time she's called she's defended her actions and refuses to give me any sort of sign that she realizes that what she did was not only uncalled for but kind of crazy. I'm writing here because 2 weeks ago she called yet again and chewed me out over the phone saying that I was blowing all of this way out of proportion and accused me of keeping her god-daughter away from her and causing division between my husband and his brother. Am I over reacting about this? Do I have a right to think that her actions (and early accusations regarding my pregnancy) were wrong? Should I drop this and allow them to spend Christmas with us, never again expecting an apology from SIL?

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“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

Comments (142)

Sorry, posted when you did. If your DH has indeed backed you up several times before then I stand corrected in how he views your feelings. But since you have had a good relationship with SIL in the past and it's only recently that she's been behaving badly then yeah, this meeting plan comes off as stong-arming a person who needs a different approach.

That is my main concern. I love SIL. My heart breaks for her, and I do know how she's feeling. In part that is why we were able to get so close. I was thrown through a loop when she reacted the way she did to my pregnancy. I knew there would be hurt (as I have been there watching my friends and sisters have children) but I didn't think it would ever come down to this. Her talking with my MIL behind my back and saying that I was intentionally shoving my healthy pregnancy in her face is the fathest from the truth it can be. I never once even accidentally did so. I tried to be careful in what I would say to her because I knew she was hurting. But when someone asks you how you're feeling, I'm not the type of person to lie. I thought our friendship was better than that. The biggest issues for me are her emails, what she said to my MIL and the last straw was her ignorance over Christmas. This was our first Christmas with a baby we had wanted and waited for for years, and she didn't understand why we told her no. She was upset, embarrassed and angry instead. The whole god-parent thing hasn't really bothered me as much as everything else, the only regret I have from that is that now we're not close and my daughter is missing out. I cant just "let this go".. as selfish as that may be on my part, I can't. It's not about me wanting to be "right", or have the last say, it's about me expecting better from someone I once considered to be my best friend. At this point I am ready to just drop everything and walk away. If someday she comes to me and tells me how sorry she is I can see things getting better... Although I don't think they'll ever be the same.. A whole year has passed and this has been nothing but tension and drama. No one can get this past year back.

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“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

You're wrong on your husband being "the furthest thing from sexist", op.. A man fitting that description doesn't tell an adult woman "point blank" that she will take a certain action, ESPECIALLY after she has expressed discomfort with what he wants. I find that very disturbing, and all other issues aside, I would think hard about that dynamic in your relationship, and seek counseling together an apart to understand why you're both so comfortable with an imbalance of power like that.

As a friend she should have been happy for you, end of story. As a sister she should have been ecstatic for you, no matter what. That's. Love and friendship. Instead she threw a tantrum and tried to ruin the happiest moment if your life bc she couldn't have what she wanted. She is toxic. She was jealous and didn't care enough about you to be happy for you. It was always all about her. She wasn't happy to have someone to share the pain with, she was happy that someone else was hurting too. There's a difference. Cut her out.

Normally I'm the last person here to ever excuse mean and asshole behavior due to mental illness or one going through a rough emotional time. But in a case where the person has not been an asshole in the past (you say she gave you lots of love and support before you had LO) and their latest behaviors are out of character for them, then I would be willing to give them a chance. IF they are willing to listen that they need help (and not try to "force" them to listen) and IF they get help then I would be willing to SLOWLY attempt to rebuild the relationship. I'd be willing to do this ONCE. OK, maybe twice if I really liked who said person was before they started acting badly.

Your DuH is "giving her one more chance to see what she has done wrong"... How fucked up does that sound to you? Is she his child?

You and SIL used to be close? Any hope at all of you two reconciling (if you so desired someday) in the future will be destroyed if you go through with this.

All I can think about is how SIL is going to feel ganged up on at this "sit down" and you even said her DuH is on your side! Wtf?!! How fucking awful for her that her DuH is throwing her under the bus and doesn't have her back. And by have her back I don't necessarily mean condoning her behavior or even supporting her decision to take certain actions, but getting her help/recognizing needs it.

I bet she doesn't want to do this sit down either!

Your DuH can't MAKE you tell SIL all the things ahe has done to make her such an awful person.

Do not participate in this shit fest and just leave SIL alone.

Sorry this is all over the place, I am just getting annoyed that the three of you want to shove this down her throat.