Archive for the 'funny' Category

What would happen if a certain foul mouthed but popular TV chef met a monosyllablic one man killing machine post-traumatic stress disorder suffering Vietnam Vet. Needless to say the language is ‘choice’…

“Food Poker is an innovative take on a cookery show for BBC Two combining the thrill of a poker round with the competitive edge that always ensues when you put two or more top chefs in a kitchen together.”

Food and Poker?! Poker..and Daytime? Who commissioned that? Monkey Tennis factor of 8/10. It’s worth noting that one of the other ideas Alan Partridge pitched just before he hit monkey tennis was ‘Cooking in Prison’ surely it’s only a matter of time…

So, with sports/food hybrid all the rage… here’s one I prepared earlier.

The Pitch: Cooking on Horse Back sees Clare Balding and Angela Hartnett squeezed into jhodpers and aprons to achive epicurean equine ecstasy. BBC Two 7pm.

It’ll appeal to horsey loving upper middle England: Plenty of big strapping girls, stallions, chefs and stablehands and sexual chemistry. Featuring special guest spot from Zara Phillips. Blob of history talking about Mongolian ‘saddle meat’ and game cooking demo. Segment called ‘Angels on Horseback’ where we take the local gymcarana for a lunch. Canter round the paddock – credits.

I reckon 2.4 Million audience share and a really high audience appreciation amongst horsey county pursuit types and absolutely no horse meat eating!

Actually one of the most interesting food show on TV at the moment I think is ‘Take away my Takeaway’. But it’s part of Channel 4’s learning strand so not many people have seen it (Did you know that the modern kebab was invented in Germany). It is however, on 4oD. In a sense it follows on from the likes of Jamie’s school dinners and River cottage treatment. Only it’s aimed squarely at teenagers, who are a much under served food audience, having not seen any programming aimed at them since Get Stuffed.

TV exec 1. I had a dream last night, that [my programme] got 6 million views and I walked into the office, and everyone stood and applauded.
TV exec 2. Right…
TV exec 1. Yeah, but then I had a second dream straight after where it only got 1.4 million.
TV exec 2. And what did it really get?
TV exec 1. 1.2 million…
TV exec 2. That’s your subconscience trying to tell you something.

This evening in the Kings Arms, Roupell Street, SW1 while Lou Lou was at the bar:

Me: (pointing to a copy of the Guardian on the table) Is this your paper?
Guy: That? No, not the Guardian
Me: ….Let me guess, The Times?
Guy: No, Telegraph
Me: Ahhh.
Guy: Well it’s got a good Sport section and a good Business section.
Me: Right.
Guy: The politics I leave to the wife. If she can be bothered…

Had a session entitled ‘Play’ yesterday headed by Tony Ageh and centred on the future of the i>Player. it was interesting in that a lot of the group thought tagging was going to be one of the best things about the project, but as Matt Locke pointed out, Flickr and de.licio.us don’t really care if you tag stuff.. we do. The other thing about the i>Player is that people believe it’s a bleeding edge technical project, it’s not really. It’s a series of products and services from other companies cleverly put together to achieve an objective. What it is I think is a (and I hate this phrase) ‘hearts and minds’ exercise convincing people, particularly BBC Execs and programme makers, that this is a good thing.

I’ve had some meetings with telly people recently (see below) and blimey the 30 or 60 minute programme format and 8pm slot is hard coded into their DNA. A lot of them just do not get the internet, and those that do just see it as another ‘channel’ to broadcast on or somewhere to host character biogs. They believe in broadcasting in the classical sense, they work in a highly top down ‘this is my vision’ way, they are extremely professional and driven. Qualities that were needed to get things made right? And they probably still are, but not all the time. I wonder who’s going to be the first cross genre multi-skilled Producer to make something 42:78 long that only goes out on the player, while TV gets say a 30min version. Think directors cuts or multiple endings. The leap from black & white to colour TV was obvious, programme makers and the public could literally see the benefit. I want to see the i>Player actually affect how programmes are made and structured, and that perhaps takes a new approach to content…

Which leads us on to this from the big boss at the end of one of his recent mailshots..We need to preserve the level playing-field between BBC and independent producers, and to find ways to stimulate cross-media thinking across both production and commissioning to make sure that we keep pace with what our audiences expect of us. New Media and Technology will clearly also be vital to helping us do that.

I reckon that could have said ‘New Media PEOPLE will clearly be vital…’ Sounds like a challenge, so I’ve taken it up. Yup, you heard it here first, (unless you work near me) I’ve been working on a pitch for the past 6 months and am in the process of talking to commissioners about getting it made. Can’t say what it is exactly yet. But if it gets the go ahead it’s gonna be ace….