07 November, 2009

CIRCA 2020We were living in curious times. A Hindu Right-wing organization deduced that the Rig Veda was rigged!! This innocuous piece of diatribe sent shivers through the heavens. No God had ever been accused of corruption. They had been accused by the human race of inefficiency, procrastination and favoritism, but never of corruption!!

For someone who had been ruining running the universe for a dog light-years, Brahma decided to restart from scratch, and re-build an earth that would not have wars, crimes, politics, pollution... etc.... and not even 'corrupt Gods' etc. One of his trainee interns suggested that babies are the most pristine form of human beings, and may be, the new world should have only babies as the citizens. Brahma liked the concept and forwarded the note to the United Gods' Commission. To jump the story short, the resolution was finally accepted in the United Gods' Convention.

Some Gods - especially the Chinese ones - were horrified at the thought and so they decided to do it step by step - 'baby-fy' the least productive and most boring country first and see how this 'Pilot' worked. That's how India's citizens were destined to a transformation into BABIES. A ray of bright light dawned on 1st Jan 2020 and BIFF!! India was a "Baby Country" now - a populace of 1.5 billion babies, yours truly included. That is approximately the number of Christians and Muslims and Hindus and Muslim apologists and Hindu apologists (and other apologists and miscellanea ad nausea) India will have in 2020. In fact, we were faced with a Baby Crisis... .. and other assorted crisis. For example, I was a baby, and my father and my grandfather were babies too - and there was no generation gap!!

Switch to a tense present tense in Circa 2020Apparently, the universe is flooded with rumours that this has excited Angelina Jolie Pitt. Given the plentiful choice available now, the serial-baby-adoption-maniac is interested in adopting her next kid from India. We are still dealing with a 'sources said' gossip, but it sounds pretty believable. Angelina has been known to adopt kids from craziest of places and already owns an island full of babies. Casting some Indian extras in her household will provide a cutting-edge balance to the ethnic-mix.

Full-page advertisements were published in leading as well as mis-leading dailies. My dad got interested in the deal, "This sounds good!! We have the opportunity of a lifetime to get rid of this white elephant, ....with due apologies to the elephants!!", he remarked pointing at me. "Well... even I would not mind letting Angelina adopt you, father. Mind it, you are a baby too now. But then, the last thing I want is to have Angelina as my grandmom. So, pardon you!!", I retorted. "It was hell bringing him up for 30 years. And, we can't start all over again!!", my father sounded my mom, wrapping me in onion-like layers of the new diaper, "And... ...let me tell you that the society is fed of this leech; and he may as well try enriching the American culture with his blasphemous habits. "

On the auspicious day, some of the most disposable babies were crib-lined for Angelina to choose from. I was positioned in the 7th crib from left. Apparently, Angelina Jolie got immediately attracted to my crib, because to my pot-belly protruding four-fifth outwards. "This baby is huge! Was he ever small at any point of his lifetime?", she asked looking at me. Before she could proceed, Hollywood's latest adopto-phile, Madonna appeared in a yogic posture demanding the first right to rejection. "You zee, I have a more durable relationzhip with Indhiaa, and this particular boy - whatzhhis name... ...emm... Sudarzhan... should be under my care." This let loose another public brawl between Angelina and Madonna, with both of them pulling my arms in opposite directions, unconcerned of my writhing pain. As an adult, driven by my hormonal instincts, I would have lusted for this 'affection'. But in a 'babified form', these were menacing and painful advances. I looked around, and saw rest of the babies in the far corner. The pain of the two Holly-ladies slugging over me was unbearable, and for the first time in my life, I wanted to be a 'common man'.... oops... 'common baby'.

It is the third day now, and the marathon slugfest on my adoption continues into a still-unfolding story. I am just now sorting through a whole mine-field of convolutions and grappling with a stir-fry of emoticons. For example, I have forgotten whose baby I am except that I know I am a baby now. I can still see my father - a fellow baby now - thoroughly enjoying the Almighty's successful biological experiment that has pushed me into this weird, traumatic, psychological complication. Arrghhhh....

This post was published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 4, the fourth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; and - needless to mention - was a loser hands-down. The fellow Blog-a-Tonics, most of whom did better than me in this event and links to their respective posts can be checked here. My personal suggestion will be to never ever visit or follow Blog-a-Ton.

36 comments:

Hi buddy.. nice 2 hav u onboard.. will gt back 2 read this post as um sure its gonna b hilarious.. bt the reason 4 which i dropped by right now is 2 request u 2 change the title as per the rules (no alternative title has been categorically mentioned).. if i relax thm 4 one prsn, i'll hav 2 do it for evryone.. u cn use ur title as a subtitle within the post.. I hop u find this request not tht demanding :)

Hi Vipul,Sorry for inadvertently floting the rules. Actually, I gave it a long thought if "IF I WERE A BABY AGAIN" needs to be replaced by the blog-title. But, seeing others, I decided to play safe and write the title separately. I have re-posted my links.

I am standing and clapping for your creativity, uniqueness, originality and mostly the the unsaid sarcasm on many issues.....loved it....both the content and the narration.....Imagination at its best....Contemporary and relevant ...I may end up voting you before i complete other readings....keep creating... :)

Hi Mahesh: This is THE BEST COMMENT I have ever got in my 8-months of blogging. A zillion thanks. I have been awake all night completing a client presentation (was busy writing the post on Fri-Sat), and you gave me the nicotine I needed to keep awake. ThanQ again...

I had read your post earlier in the day and you are in my current Top-6 list too.... :-) Incidentally, I was unable to comment on your post as the "Comments" link goes right under the "Links" hperlink on my browser (IE). Will try again tomorrow. Meanwhile, you may want to rectify this.

The idea was hilarious, the execution, better! Rather than just funny, it was sarcastic, and I love nothing more... The baby-fication was the icing! :)All the best for Blog-a-Ton 4, you are pretty near the top, I'm sure!

Huff... it just took me 2 days to read all the posts! I read all of the posts on Blog-a-ton and have come up with 2 deserving posts (except mine). I am a raving fan of your creativity! Your posts has a lure for hilarious ideas, original and unbeatable! Being a baby again, well you have done a justice to this topic in the true sense. Most of the posts I came across, sounded monotonous. Next to your post, I like Vipul's creativity too! But you were simply outstanding for me!

Sudarshan is a blooming nerd and has intermittent fits of verbal diarrohea. This is when he vomits on this blog-page. The views expressed on this blog are those of his alter-ego and represent neither his personal thoughts nor those of his organisation, clan or family. In fact, Sudarshan and his (alleged) alter-ego are fine examples of a person using his freedom to the fullest while trying to deny it to his fellow-citizens. The best way to deal with him is to ignore him.

About Sudarshan Bengani

Sudarshan (a.k.a. Talking Skull) belongs to a special species that is rapidly proliferating. As a rabid capitalist, all he wants in life is a good job and spouse, 8-digit salary, material comforts and lot more. However, Sudarshan believes in the general irreverence for all human beings. To him, almost all of them provide simple, but wholesome food for free critical comments and deserve gross ridicule. And despite others' perception of him, he is perpetually happy and content. He blogs because nobody risked publishing a book by him. But, he sincerely hopes that some of these posts make you laugh or at least make your lips pout a little.