Aliens A Bit Like Lily Allen, Say Experts

EXTRA-TERRESTRIALS could already be bombarding the Earth with short bursts of self-promoting drivel, it was claimed last night.

Get daily Mash headlines:

Depsite their superior technology they have nothing to teach us

Experts believe they have identified short, coded messages, sent via space broadband, from interplanetary beings on subjects including their favourite breakfast, their second favourite breakfast and whether or not they’re tired.

The aliens also believe that ‘Graxone4 shud get over it’, which appears to be one of a series of references to a holographic reality television-type series in which squid-like beings perform demeaning tasks to win a date with something that looks like a massive scaly puffin.

Astrophysicist Dr Nikki Hollis said: “These messages appear to originate from a distant planet orbiting Ursa Minor, a place so different to our world and yet seemingly just as trivial and depressing.

“It’s a strange sensation, to look up at the night sky and know that someone or something millions of light years away is about to watch a DVD boxset of series two of Tentacle Cop and eat some semi-gaseous ice cream while under their favourite blanket.

“I certainly never imagined being indifferent to a distant civilisation. Actually, I should probably stop reading their shit rather than just moaning about it, but it does give me a darkly compelling sense of superiority.”

She added: “However it is exciting to think that one day we might be able to meet these emissaries of the cosmos, and give them a right good fucking slap.”