Hank Moody: Hell-A Magazine blog number 1. Hank hates you all. A few things I've learned on my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One, a morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness. Two, I probably won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. And 3, while I'm down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I'm not talking about a huge 70's Playboy bush or anything. Just something that reminds me that I'm performing cunnilingus on an adult. But I guess the larger question is why is the city of angels so hell bent on destroying its female population.

Hank Moody: I think you should still buy the car and then run over whoever created that turd.

Hank Moody: Well, your breasts are obviously real... and... eh... you have an abundance of pubic hair, which is really nice and... eh... there's no evidence of vaginal rejuvenation. I'd say, aside from the fact that you worship a space alien, you just might be the most beautiful woman I've seen in a long, long time

Hank Moody:(to Meredith) Try not to forget all the times I brought you to fruition. 33 to be exact.

Hank Moody: Hey. You know, it's not fair to say BRB and then never actually BRB.

Hank Moody: 'B' to the 'I' to the double 'L'. What's up, my nig nog?

Bill Lewis: I need to talk to you.

Hank Moody: Well, you should have called. I wouldn't have answered, but you could've left a message, which I would have quickly erased.

Radio show host: What's your latest obsession?

Hank Moody: Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber. You know, I mean we have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically four figure wank machines. The internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all it's really given us is Howard Dean's aborted candidacy and 24 hour a day access to kiddie porn. People... they don't write anymore, they blog. Instead of talking, they text, no punctuation, no grammar: LOL this and LMFAO that. You know, it just seems to me it's just a bunch of stupid people pseudo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people at a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King's English.

Radio show host: Yet you're part of the problem, I mean you're out there blogging with the best of them.

Hank Moody: Hence my self-loathing.

Marcy Runkle: You can have the ass if you want.

Charlie Runkle: You can keep it.

Hank Moody: Can I ask you something?

Karen: If you must.

Hank Moody: In this past life of ours, was I mean... To you? Did I ever, did I make you feel stupid?

Karen: You weren't mean, no, but you can be pretty hard on people Hank.

Mia Cross: Rome is burning, he said, as he poured himself another drink. Yet, here I am knee deep in a river of pussy. Here it comes, she thought. Another self indulgent, whiskey soaked diatribe about how fucking great everything was in the past. And how all us poor souls born too late to see the Stones at - wherever, or snort the good coke like that they had at Studio 54 - well, we all just missed out on practically everything worth living for. And the worst part was, she agreed with him. Here we are, she thought, at the edge of the world - the very edge of western civilization and all of us are so desperate to feel something... anything... that we keep falling into each other and fucking our way toward the end of days.

Hank Moody: "Just because something is bleak doesn't necessarily make it true."

Hank Moody: "You see, I try to live in an ivory tower, but a tide of shit is constantly beating at its walls."

Becca Moody: "You never mean to let me down.....but you do."

Hank Moody: "Yeah I guess I do."

Becca Moody: "It's all well and good to talk about happy endings, but if a person can't deliver, if he keeps screwing up, well eventually I guess you kinda just have to say 'fuck you'...or words to that effect."

Marcy Runkle: "I want the little one; she looks like she knows things."

Runkle: (Sees himself masturbating on camera) So, what? You going to shit-can 15 year of experience because a guy messes up one time? (Sees himself masturbating multiple times) OK! That's it! I'm ankling. Runkle is ankling! WOOOOOO!

Becca: The man is too pretty for jail mom

Mia: What if he is being someone's bitch right now.

Becca: Instead of being yours.

Hank: What am I going to write about? You were born a poor black child and now you're an icon where everything you touch turns to gold?

Hank: (After a girl gets up from under the table giving Ashby a blowjob) Cool. Very cool.

Hank: Really? Because I think it's going to be like a cue tip shoved up my urethra. For three hours. Without lube. Which could be fun if you do it.

Hank: I was hoping that you would make an honest woman of me.

Hank: I love you Karen, and I want to spend the rest of my life annoying the shit out of you, and I want the rest of my life to start right now. I'm sick and tired fighting about the past. We're not going anywhere, I get that now. This is my home, because home is where you and Becca are. I love LA. Seriously, I love it, I can't get enough of it.

Karen: You're so full of shit

Hank: Will you marry me Karen? Queen of my dreams, mother of my child. Lady of the Valley.

Becca: I don’t want you to be guilty. I don’t want people to look at you that way. I want them to know how great you can be.

Hank: You shouldn’t be thinking about that. That’s too much for your brain. All you should be thinking about is boys and rock ‘n roll and stealing your old man’s car keys. But not anymore because I’ll chop your hands off. Okay?

Becca: It was a nice day wasn’t it?

Hank: It was. It was really nice. It was the perfect day.

Becca: Right up until I ruined it.

Hank: You didn’t ruin anything. You just made a mistake. A really terrible mistake, we all do. Look at me, I take a breath and make a mistake. Then we just get back up and shoot for another perfect day.

Karen: You tricked me, you know? You tricked me, I would hear the doorbell ring and I would be running towards it. I’d be thinking, “I don’t even like this guy, this is just some stupid fling.” Then I would open the door and all of those thoughts would disappear, because I’d see your smile and I was a goner. I trusted that smile.

Hank: He was a good guy, that smile. I don’t see him around much anymore. I miss him.

Karen: Strange, it changed so fast. Once you were my future, then you were my misery…

It's almost like the pursuit of this one woman, this one relationship became its own form of heroin. I was strung out. You know, I was driving her crazy making my kid miserable. When you finally give up and let go, good stuff starts to happen. She's better now. My kid's fantastic. I'm keeping it simple. Such a sad sweet tale of woe. I'm surprised you made it through the whole thing. I thought I might try to hang yourself there at some point.

Hank: [to Charlie] It's all right. It's all right, baby boy. Tonight we drink. Tomorrow you start making some phone calls. An opportunity will present itself. If not, we can always stuff our pockets full with rocks and walk hand-in-hand into the Pacific.

Charlie: That sounds romantic.

Charlie: Just don't come off as one of those snotty, pretentious fucks who looks down on television.

Hank: Me? Never.

Charlie: How is it? [points to a script in Hanks hand]

Hank: To be honest, it's like a colonoscopy of the mind.

Charlie: Hank.

Hank: But if he asks, I will tell him it's "totes fuckin' brill."

Hank: I have squandered a lot of opportunities, it's true. I could give you a bunch of excuses. I could blame it on my masturbating agent or I could chalk it up to fear and self-loathing in Los Angeles, but the truth is that... I'm trying to grow the fuck up for once. You know, I'm on a quest to reclaim the best parts of myself before it's too fuckin' late.