‘We Would Have Won The War If I Was In Charge,’ Low-Ranking Afghanistan Veteran Says

OKLAHOMA CITY, Okla. — A low-ranking enlisted Marine who deployed to Afghanistan for seven months in 2009 claims he could have solved the myriad issues of tribalism, corruption, and lack of government reach that has plagued the country for thousands of years if only he were in charge of the U.S. war effort, sources confirmed this morning.

“Bottom line: Things would be drastically different if they would’ve listened to me,” said Lance Cpl. Frederick Udall, a former infantryman with 3rd Battalion, 4th Marines. In addition to being a terminal lance criminal, Udall has a masters degree in “hajji-stomping,” according to a document he proudly displays in his home office.

Indeed, the American efforts in Afghanistan have been marred by various setbacks. From installing Hamid Karzai as president — only to have him complain about everything the U.S. has done since then — to using a military that prides itself on blowing shit up to build schools and offices for corrupt government officials, the ordeal spanning over a decade has been a long, costly slog.

“All we had to do was go out there and take the fight to the enemy,” said Udall, reached by phone in between classes he was teaching on U.S. military strategy as a student at a local community college. “If we just kill enough of the sons of bitches, they will be so broken down, they’ll be running home to mommy.”

In a follow-up, Udall emailed Duffel Blog reporters what he called a strategy document for the war effort, which was a Google Maps satellite image of the region circled by a black marker that said only “Bomb this back to stone age. Murica!”

At press time, the Pentagon was considering Udall’s approach, as its latest strategy in Afghanistan to just pretend like the entire country was not a huge clusterfuck was showing signs of possible failure.