Terror Under Wraps

“I knew that the terror threat to Britain had reached a dangerous new level, when an Egyptian mummy came crashing through my French windows one evening,” says Deputy Commissioner Robert Blate, the man spearheading the Metropolitan Police’s anti-terrorism initiatives. “The fiend was absolutely unstoppable! It was impervious to everything I hit it with – billiard cues, pokers, antique swords, the lot! It was hell-bent on throttling me to death – I really thought I was a goner!” However, by an amazing stroke of luck, Blate’s wife – who rushed into the room midway through the attack – turned out to be the reincarnation of an ancient Egyptian Princess the mummy had been infatuated with in life. “As soon as he saw her, he just stopped, mid throttle! He just stood there staring at her,” explains the policeman. “I shouted to her to order him to go, and he did! He just vanished back into the night! I couldn’t believe my luck!”

Blate is convinced that the mummy was revived and sent on its murderous mission by a High Priest of Karnak in the pay of Al Qaeda. “This could be the beginning of a major new terror offensive,” he opines. “I have no doubt that they were trying to take me out so as to throw London’s anti-terror measures into chaos! There are undoubtedly plans to send mummies against other prominent public figures such as the Prime Minister, or perhaps even the Queen!” Whilst some sceptics have suggested that Blate’s latest threat warning was the result of his falling asleep in front of a late-night TV rerun of Hammer’s 1959 dabble in Egyptology, The Mummy, many senior figures are taking the threat of terror attacks by long-dead Egyptians very seriously. “Clearly we have to devise a strategy for dealing with this new and very credible threat,” Prime Minister Blair recently told a packed House of Commons, as he announced plans to inter the British Museum’s stock of ancient Egyptian mummies in a high security prison. “I shudder to think of the consequences if we do not take action now! Just imagine what carnage might result if a number of these unstoppable undead monsters were to run amok on the London Underground!” Home Secretary Charles Clarke has also authorised the police and security services to start compiling lists of known High Priests of Karnak, with a view to putting them under house arrest. “Frankly, anyone who has had any close involvement with Egyptology could be suspect,” he told journalists in response to complaints from museums and universities that the police had been harassing curators and academics. “Anyone of them could have come under the influence of pagan religious fanatics! I’m even considering allowing the authorities to check lending library records to enable them to check out anyone who’s ever borrowed a book about Egypt or mummies!”

Blate is currently focusing his energies on devising am effective means of countering the mummy threat. “Obviously, the ideal solution would be to stop the blighters from reanimating the mummies in the first place,” he muses, although he admits that intelligence on the reanimation process is somewhat contradictory. “Whilst some authorities claim that the ancient Scroll of Thoth is used, others maintain that Tana leaves are the key to reviving mummies. Just to be on the safe side, the Home Secretary is going to ban all imports of these leaves and make possession of them, or any form of ancient scrolls, for that matter, a criminal offence!” The Deputy Commissioner also believes that it is essential for the public to remain vigilant and attempt to spot rogue High Priests of Karnak before they can carry out their villainous schemes. “Of course, they’re most easily spotted when they’re actually attempting to revive a mummy! So, if you see some foreign-looking wallah togged up in robes brewing up Tana leaves in the Egyptian galleries of the British Museum, you should contact the police immediately,” he says, sucking on his pipe. “Mind you, the chances of catching them in the act like that are pretty slim – generally they go around looking fairly normal, wearing regular business suits. However, in my experience, they do tend to wear a fez and favour moustaches. They also have tendency to harangue ordinary decent Brits about how terrible it is that we desecrated their tombs and stole their archaeological heritage. So if you see anyone fitting that description, raise the alarm immediately and give ’em a good kicking into the bargain!”

Blate has also been attempting to formulate a set of effective police tactics for dealing with rampaging mummies. “It seems tome that one has three choices when faced by a mummy: find a reincarnation of his lost love; obtain an ancient scroll containing an incantation which might cause him to tear himself apart; or chase him into a swamp by brandishing flaming torches at him,” he says. “In my opinion, only the third option is practical.” Consequently, specially trained mobs of police officers are to be equipped with blazing torches and put on standby to meet any mummy offensives in the capital. “If the police tell me that they need flaming torches to combat this menace, then I believe it is my duty to provide them,” Tony Blair has told Labour dissidents objecting to his proposals to flood several areas of East London in order to provide swamps into which rogue mummies can be chased. “Clearly, they know better than anyone else what is needed in order to ensure our security!”

Critics of the government’s anti-terror strategy are worried that Blate is simply whipping up anti-Egyptian feeling in the UK with his mummy scare mongering. Indeed, inflamed by tabloid reports of the mummy threat, a mob recently stormed a Leicester museum, dragging its collection of mummies outside and hanging them from lampposts, before burning them. Curators who tried to stop them were beaten up and accused of being ‘collaborators’ and ‘mummy lovers’. However, Blate remains undeterred, believing that the mummy attacks are simply the first wave of a supernatural terror onslaught against Britain. “Vampires who have sucked their Eastern European homelands dry will be next Al Qaeda recruits,” he claims. “With all these ex-Eastern Bloc countries joining the European Union, the blighters will be able to travel here without restriction!”

Consequently, he is urging the Home Secretary to authorise the issue of wooden stakes and crucifixes to police officers. In an even more controversial move, Blate is also urging the Ministers to allow evidence obtained through seances and psychics to be admissible in terror trials. To the dismay of his many critics, it is clear that Blate has the support of the Prime Minister in his crusade against evil. “It is no accident that these terrorists are now turning to pagan gods and supernatural monsters in their war against freedom,” Tony Blair recently told a meeting of the Women’s Institute. “This is nothing less than a direct offensive against our most basic Christian values! We must unite behind Jesus to defeat them or face the prospect of these fiends drinking our children’s blood and eating our babies!”

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Publisher, Executive Editor and Chief Writer of The Sleaze, the Doc is in the forefront of the campaign to preserve historic 1970s moustaches, and is currently the owner of a fine 1970 Alain Delon, which he wears with pride every Thursday. Before founding The Sleaze, the Doc had the singular honour of being dismissed from the Ministry of Defence's Defence Intelligence Staff following his involvement with the original 'dodgy dossier', which sparked the civil war in the former Yugoslavia. Nevertheless, he stands by his controversial assessment that there is satellite imagery clearly showing Serbian leader Slobodan Milosevic enjoying a three-in-a-bed romp with Princess Margaret and Richard Branson. Following his dismissal, the Doc crossed the Atlantic to enter the film industry, where he quickly became Tawny Kitaen's pubic hair stylist. The proud possessor of the world's largest collection of pornography discovered in hedgerows, the Doc is considered one of Britain's leading experts on smut, and acted as an advisor to the BBC 4 series A Pornographic History of Britain. Now in his early middle years, Doc Sleaze lives quietly in Southern England where he is sometimes allowed to teach Government and Politics to local A-level students. He can be reached through the site's main e-mail address - just don't expect a reply.