Give And Take

I first came out as a lesbian when I started college as an undergrad. I went through all the rites of passage that the white queers had set up for me, and I abandoned the straight desi girls. I’m not necessarily sad that I abandoned them. I missed them later and tried to play catch-up, but their never-ending conversations about how their evil parents wouldn’t let them buy that coach purse, and how scary black men are were ridiculous and tiring. And somehow I always managed to subconsciously find my way back to the closet whenever I was in their company.

I first came out as a lesbian when I started college as an undergrad. I went through all the rites of passage that the white queers had set up for me, and I abandoned the straight desi girls. I’m not necessarily sad that I abandoned them. I missed them later and tried to play catch-up, but their never-ending conversations about how their evil parents wouldn’t let them buy that coach purse, and how scary black men are were ridiculous and tiring. And somehow I always managed to subconsciously find my way back to the closet whenever I was in their company. I stopped forcing myself to be friends with desi girls, and instead just saved my friendship for those that deserved it. It meant I made friends with a lot of people who didn’t understand my family, culture or religion.

Eventually, more progressive women of color came out the woodworks and I really survived off of these friendships. These women let me be open about my sexuality and my race… at the same time. But their being straight was an ever-present barrier. I could talk to them tirelessly about racism, sexism, shopping and make-up. There was always room for it all, but as soon as I got the queer theory out, their eyes would glaze over. They undoubtedly expected others (rightfully so) to look up and understand race theory, but, following the same logic, I was put off by their lack of desire to understand queer theory and my queer self. I would love to call myself a womanist and feel welcome in that space, but I just don’t.

I am wondering how to feel about the connection between racism and queerphobia. Is it reasonable to compare the two types of oppressions and identities? Although race is something you are born with, some may argue that being queer is too. I feel that my being queer is a choice, and although I was born an Indian and a Hindu I made the choice to stay connected to my race and my religion. I view my race, sexuality and religion as very equal parts of my identity, however they are received and experienced so differently. I feel that people are often more mindful of racial oppression because race is seen as something we do not choose, however I find that problematic. Just because I choose my sexuality, I shouldn’t have to feel ashamed by it, and my experience of my race feels just as much of a choice as my experience of my sexuality is.

A lot of what you’ve said, resonates with me. I find myself going back into the closet when I’m around desis.
I, however, don’t think that being queer is a choice. Acting on it, might be a choice – but being queer isn’t, imho.

For a long time ( and there is still a part of me) that says being queer is not a choice. Because as I see it and feel it , it could be nothing else – why would I choose such diversity ( to put it kindly) upon anyone?
Yet while I hear opinions on the other side, I propose an agnostic response – perhaps its a spectrum as sexuality is claimed to be? To some there is no other way. It is all else but a choice. And for the others, its a process. A conscious deliberate undertaking for myriad reasons.

However, there is one downside to being queer and it being a choice, Anurag – Race (not a choice) and Religion (a choice) have come, hashed it out (still do) and made their peace in society, Queerness has yet to and strategically, thinking of it as a decision? It steepens the rainbow slope.

I’ve heard the “Why would I choose to be oppressed and marginalized” perspective before, but I don’t identify with that because I LOVE being queer, brown, and many other things despite being marginalized for it… It isn’t easy to be a minority or part of an oppressed group, but the positives outweigh the negatives for me and make me stronger. I say “of course I would choose to be queer, because I love it and enjoy it”. I don’t want to be that skinny, straight white girl with blonde hair and blue eyes, I’m happy the way I am and I don’t feel that I have to justify why I am this way.

I understand why people find solace in thinking it isn’t a choice, and I can respect and empathize with it. When conservative Christians (and many, many others) are saying if we have a choice, we should choose to be straight, then of course we’re going to want to say “It isn’t a choice”. But I do not feel I am in a place (and I understand that others are not in this same place as me) where I need to please those who are out to invalidate my identity… I mean, will conservatives EVER be satisfied with me? Probably not. When we start speaking within the dialogue that has been set-up by the right-wing, I feel like that gives them something that they do not deserve – power.

The “its genetic/I was born this way/It’s not a choice” argument also leads conservative scientists down a road of trying to prevent queer sexuality in fetuses, and that is just sick.

I completely empathize with how you feel; I’m just trying to give a more clear reason for why I personally feel the way I do.

Intersting view point. I think in a larger context we should also be looking at a relationship beyond sex. And while some of us see this as a choice , others are not. This is more so in the trans community where you feel what you are really way before the hormones (based on the physiology you were born with) at puberty kick in. In that context, I cannot read that as anything but congenital that it is NOT a choice.

My personal view point is that gender and sex are not the same thing, and gender is a social construct.

My point, however, is that we should be given (and give ourselves) the freedom to live however we want to (not because we can’t help it, but because we enjoy it), whether that means straying from gendernormativity, straying from heteronormativity, or both.

At the end of the day, it doesn’t bother me if others do not believe that I choose my sexuality, as long as they are not invalidating my place in the queer community. My ish with the lesbian community was the feeling that they would say I wasn’t welcome anymore, or that I wasn’t a real lesbian, since I felt that it had been a choice for me. That is why I now identify as “queer”. I reject the idea that I have to live within gender binaries and a sexual identity based on binaries.

I would have to say that I don’t think being gay is choice but who who date/partner with is. I guess one could choose to be gay ie choose the gender of the partner I guess. No wait why am I thinking of just sex…isn’t it about love too? And the all the glorious qualities you are attracted to regardless of gender?

I love it that you brought up the fact that sexuality is a choice. I find the theory that you’re born gay or straight a bit apologist. As a friend once said to me, I think everyone is born with a sexuality, i.e. a relationship with themselves and their own bodies and the feelings that we construe as carnal or sexual. Whom we choose to direct these to is immaterial and I think that should be the point of the LGBT movement.

I totally connect with you. I still have problems mentioning about my queerness to desis. Initially I thought it was a fear on my part that i would be judged, but lately I figured that it is because, I try rather hard to convince why I am the way I am to my desi friends than my american friends. To worsen, even my most progressive of desi friends , those who call themselves “open-minded” still roll their eyes or show signs of slight discomfort when talking about LGBT stuff. Feel like slapping them and calling them a hypocrite.
I am curious ” why do you think being Q is a choice for you?”.
As for relation to race and sexuality – racism has been there for 200+ years- everyone knows about slavery, the mississippi burnings, the KKK, the colonisation, sugar and plantation workers,… and so there is a lot of awareness in the media. But sexuality is still finding its way in.
Sometimes we need to blame it upon ourselves. Many gay folks have no idea what it is to be trans and they continue to misgender people and slight it off when being told? So when Q folks who are suppsedly our brethren do not understand issues like this, how could we possibly reach out to the mainstream?

Beautifully written piece Naomi. I like how explore the intersection of ethnicity and sexuality. Sexuality is so complicated within Indian culture without adding homosexuality into it.
Hopefully your writing will help other girls who are caught in the same intersection you are.
I look forward to your future writings.

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