Monthly Archives: November 2014

Ever wonder if other infertile women think the way you do? I’m talking about those really crazy, twisted thoughts we sometimes feel. The ones we don’t speak out loud and cringe to even be thinking them.

You know the ones. I know you do.

The thoughts that would prompt a knowing nod or laughter from other infertiles…and condemnation from the rest of society.

Here are some thoughts I have maybe had on my lowest days… {queue disgusted face}

-Peeling the stick figure families off those minivans. Would you spare the pets or just leave the couple standing alone? I flipping LOATH stick figure families on the back of cars. I mean really….

-Buying a sort of ugly baby outfit you know, the ones with tons of bows on it…or a Diaper genie… for a baby or shower gift because the thought of 100+ dirty diapers crammed into the nursery corner would bring me a shred of comfort during an unbearably painful event.

-Running into the back of a minivan with a “Baby on Board” plaque. I really don’t think you need a sign that screams that considering you are driving a freakin’ minivan.

-When I see a kid’s “binky” go missing in a public place, maybe I let the inattentive Mom scramble a bit to find it so she can learn her lesson.

-Have you ever been in such a bad mood that, instead of mustering a smile, you actually kind of “stared down” a baby when its mom wasn’t looking…and it cried? And you didn’t feel guilty?

-While shopping in a store and a toddler is running around pulling everything off the shelves while Mom is chasing behind franticly picking up after it. Maybe I smile to myself. It’s nice to enjoy my Trader Joes visit calm, cool, and collected.

If you related to any of the above scenarios…or have your own list…it doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human. Occasional jealous or angry thoughts are common when you are infertile. No judgments here.

Once again Justine, writer of Ever Upward has written a “hit home” article, this time it was featured on The Huffington Post! Thanks for the great article.

“Infertility and IVF are finally beginning to gain some attention in the media; as more and more celebrities own their stories of conceiving their families through IVF and/or surrogacy, The Today Show portraying a couple throughout the entire process of consultation, injections and pregnancy and the incredible story of Ashley and Tyson and their four miracles.

I am encouraged and proud that the veil of silenced shame is beginning to lift. Especially in the stories that tell more than the traditional stories of infertility. Like the story of just keeping trying, as if we all have endless resources, thank you Bobbie Thomas for breaking this silence. And, like the story of the only happy ending being with children, thank you Aisha Tyler for breaking this silence.

We must continue to break this silence. It is only through talking about our stories that we will be able to embrace it all. Through this embracing we will be able to practice our recovery no matter what our version of the happy ending is. This is how we own all the parts of our story. This is ever upward.

So here they are, the parts of our infertility stories that are often silenced and left out.

It’s a great way to make sex the least romantic and most planned out part of your relationship.

Guys, get ready to go in a cup in a cold, sterile room all alone and possibly without any reading material and all the good sites blocked by hospital.

A baby isn’t the only way to find wholeness and happiness.

You can meet some amazing women through the online or in person support groups, message boards and blogs.

It ONLY works about 30 percent of the time.

It doesn’t always end with a baby.

Sometimes it ends with two.

Or three.

Or eight.

Or none.

There are couples it is never going to work for.

It’s painful; the Clomid crazy train and it’s beyond up and down roller coaster mood swings.

It’s okay to stop.

It’s even okay to stop before you get the baby.

It’s healthy and healing to talk about it; to talk about all sides of it and all the possibilities and outcomes.

You may feel the time crunch pressure to start the next round as “your eggs are dying by the second.”

The message of “just keep trying, it will work” feels invalidating, unrealistic, shaming and denying to many of our realities.

It’s SUPER expensive.

You may have to make emotional and financial life altering decisions immediately after you just lost a dream (embryo, baby) and are actively grieving.

You or your partner may discover you have a phobia to needles and are quite the fainter.

You may never feel panic quite like the panic you feel when you realize that your last chance didn’t work.*

You will feel that breath stealing, throw up panic and sadness. And yet, it can also come with a sense of bittersweet freedom of at least knowing something and having an answer. Even though it was not the something we so wished and hoped for.

You will wait, a lot. In waiting rooms for procedures, for appointments and consults, and therefore find the funniest and weirdest things on YouTube to help pass the time and lighten the suffocating pressure of the process.

You will endure the wait of the tortuous and infamous two-week wait, probably several times.

Either way you’ll need to choose change and recovery, and do the work to be okay.

Because it will be okay.

Because, it is worth it, baby or not.

And, because you can find your own ever upward within the journey and in owning your story. In this journey we will find and grow more love, acceptance and understanding, more fertility compassion, for the many ways a family is made.”

I have decided to be honest with myself. I need a little help right now.

I have worked hard on trying everything natural first to deal with my anxiety and depression over infertility and everything surrounding it. Using essential oils, meditating, exercise, but it’s just not cutting it. I have been feeling worse and worse this past year and more intensely the past few months. My highs are high and my lows are lower. The lows seem to occupy most of my days, more than the good ones. I do a good job faking it, but inside I am hurting. I am breaking.

I decided to see a therapist and my primary care doctor last week because I seriously thought I was having a nervous breakdown at one point. I was hesitant, but accepting of both their advice to take Zoloft for a while. I hate that my infertility has led to me this. It makes me sad and angry all over again! But, I am for the first time, in a long time, hopeful that getting a little help from my friend Z might help me in big ways. I have had a few friends take Zoloft while they were going through infertility and they both said it worked wonders for them. Zoloft is non habit forming and is easy to wean off of when I feel that I am ready to do so. This anti-depressant is also recommended when trying to conceive because you can continue taking it if you do become pregnant. {in the case that I do become pregnant I am pretty sure I will stop, since my depression is situational}. Zoloft also helps with motivation, anxiety, and not letting things effect you as much. I mean I still want to feel, but I am hoping I won’t feel so intensely. I know Z isn’t a magic pill that is going to make everything rainbows and butterflies. I am just hoping it will make things blue birds and waterfalls 🙂 This is scary to write and admit that I need a little crutch at the moment. If I am going to get better and stay sane in my life, my head, my heart, and my journey, I need to own it. It is ok to have a little help.

Other rituals I have started to help with my mood in conjunction with Zoloft:

-Taking fish oil with DHA, which I have read and heard from a good friend, helps with mood and depression.

-I have started listening to nightly meditations before going to bed to help me relax and fall asleep easier. {thanks Justine for the great advice in your book}

-Opening all my blinds in the morning to let the sunshine in. My doctor told me that starting your day off with a little bit of sunlight helps with happiness all day long.

-Cutting back on the caffeine. Now, I am not a big caffeine drinker, I only have a half a cup in the morning and I may get a Starbucks in the after noon and drink half, but doctor told me I should not be drinking caffeine after 2pm. So I will be giving that up.

-No boozing. Ok maybe I will have a glass of wine here or there. You aren’t really supposed to drink when taking Z, so I am going to try and follow that as good as I can!

-Step up my exercise routine. I am climbing 2 days a week, but I need to be going at least 3 along with cardio. I am hoping Z will help step up my motivation.

Z isn’t an instant fix. It will take a couple weeks to feel its full effects. I am just hoping it will be as my friend put it…”It’s like waking up one morning to the most beautiful sunshiny day, when all you have been seeing for weeks is the biggest thunder storm.”

Recap of our trip to Tennessee… it was AMAZING. I forgot how much I love that state. I love our family there. I love the scenery. I love the moonshine. We had a great week celebrating my birthday and spending quality time with our cousins. It always goes by so fast!

Highlights::

We drove the loop in The Smoky Mountains, which was insanely beautiful and we made it just in time because the next day it snowed!!

We homemade some moonshine. {Rye is my favorite}

We went to Gatlinburg, which is such a fun little town. We drank more moonshine.

We sat on the front porch in rocking chairs.

We had family dinner at my husbands Aunt and Uncles house. It is so awesome. It is a log cabin that they built from the ground up. Auntie Kris even made my favorite cake for my birthday. LEMON!

We antiqued. And found a cool vintage moonshine mug that we couldn’t live without.