What do you do when you wish to die and the Universe obviously has other plans? Argue?

Several days later I woke up in the hospital. My mother was there. I realized, to my horror, that by my own hand I had confirmed every negative opinion she had ever pronounced about me and my flawed character. I had given the whole world evidence that Mother was correct: Laura was “not quite all right”.

I knew I would not be released from the hospital as long as there was any indication I might “finish the job”. I also knew enough about psychology to convince the doctors that it would be safe to release me to my mother. Since I hadn’t died, I wanted to get on with things.

At home, I found Mother, the stepfather, and Grandma all back in residence at the Tampa house. Their whispering stopped instantly when I came into a room. Artificial conversation was spoken in tones a bit too loud and forcefully “normal”. I was being “handled”. Adult rights and privileges were revoked. I was to be treated like a small child who could barely dress herself, a damaged child who could not be told the truth about anything. Everything said to me was carefully weighed to avoid setting me off. Most significant of all, pills of every kind were removed from the house. There wasn’t even a bottle of aspirin! Well, they didn’t know about my secret stash in my dressing table. But I opened the drawer, looked at the bottles, and decided it was now or never. I took them in the bathroom, opened them one by one, pouring the contents into the toilet, flushing, and dropping the empty bottles in the trash.

I was about to experience cold turkey withdrawal after eight years of amphetamine dependence.

Withdrawal is similar to the worst case of influenza imaginable. None of us knew this, and simply assumed that I was sick.

My body was alternately racked with shaking chills or raging fever. I felt voraciously hungry, only to lose everything I ate after a mad dash to the bathroom. I was bent double by abdominal cramps as the system that had functioned so long on artificial support struggled to right itself. All I wanted to do was sleep, but often sleep would not come for hours that seemed interminable. Then exhaustion overcame me with a sleep full of nightmares, soaked in cold sweat. I lay in bed listening to my heart speed up and slow down, sure that it would either burst in my chest or stop completely.

I felt utterly cast aside by God. Weary of life, I prayed to be delivered from my existence. Another attempt by my own hand was unthinkable. If I failed, my position would be even more desperate. My life seemed to consist of blunders, misdeeds, lost opportunities, inadequacy, guilt and now humiliation at being unable to “do the deed” in a competent way.

Nothing in Nature lasted. All turned to dust in the vast blackness of the Universe. Riches, fame, love, youth, health, all vain illusions. My heart entombed itself in a chilly vault of despair.

I had believed for so long, against all evidence to the contrary, that love and kindness and benevolence were our birthright. The realization that humanity could do little but “fail with good grace” was insupportable. I was inconsolable at the possibility that everything good, noble, clean and pure was, in the end, merely ephemeral. I recalled Poe: “And the angels uprising, unveiling, affirm, that the play is the tragedy, ‘Man,’ and its hero the Conqueror Worm”.

Day after day, with no relief, I suffered this intolerable desolation. After years of seeking God, all I had known had been the Evil of the world disguising itself as good. When I looked ahead, I saw far more pain in life than happiness and long years of agonizing struggle until the grave.

My interior strength had been annihilated. I cannot say that I wanted to end my own life any longer, but the desire to be out of this world was now more present than my former desire to engage the world in order to learn about it. I agreed with Tolstoy: “What is truest of life, there is nothing even funny or silly in it; life is cruel and stupid, purely and simply. …What will be the outcome of what I do today? Of what I shall do tomorrow? What will be the outcome of all my life? Why should I live?… Is there in life any purpose which the inevitable death which awaits me does not undo and destroy?”

And these questions are buried deep in every soul. In some, the question grows inside until it emerges and demands an answer. And, without an answer, it is impossible to go on. But an “observer” part of myself watching these mental torments offered one idea: there may be a pool of water beyond the next dune of sand in this endless desert of burning thirst.

Hope had not died.

At last the physical symptoms receded. Such disillusionment is like tasting of the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of Good and Evil. Everything was now a burden to be borne. I, like every other being on the planet, was accursed. Sacrifice and atonement were required to achieve the living water that was promised. “Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest…”

How desperately I needed that rest!

***

Eva was the only one who was “allowed” to visit me. One day she told me that after the hypnosis seminar, she’d received an announcement in the mail of an upcoming appearance of an important new psychic, Al Miner. His abilities to give spontaneous channeled readings in deep trance similar to Edgar Cayce’s work had rapidly developed, and his fame in the psychic underground had spread.

Al soon became involved in research conducted by the Association for Research and Enlightenment, the Cayce group known as A.R.E. Of a large group of other psychics tested for accuracy, Miner received the highest scores. He was appointed to the Advisory Board for Atlantic University, a sister organization of ARE and The Edgar Cayce Foundation.

This was interesting, indeed.

Eva’s brochure explained that Al’s spiritual contact, called Lama Sing, was not a single entity, but a group. They needed no names or titles. Information came through Universal or God Consciousness, by a group of souls dedicated to the service of God and humanity. They were able to transmit this information through Al because he was a member of the soul group, the last one still incarnate. When he departed the earth, the entire group would move to higher levels and be no longer accessible for communication. Someone remarked that the voice sounded very much like an Eastern monk he’d met named Lama Sing, and the name stuck. So the entities became known as “Lama Sing”.

Al had been given the “A.R.E. Seal of Approval,” and Eva thought perhaps he was the new Edgar Cayce. Outstanding psychic ability is rare, so I didn’t want to spend money for a reading with this guy. But I did encourage Eva to “check him out”. A few days later, Eva invited me to go to her appointment with Al Miner just to keep her company. I agreed, and we were off to Clearwater again.

It seemed like centuries since I’d been out of the house. Driving across the bay bridge with the windows down and the brine scented air blowing our hair felt invigorating. The almost fluorescent blue of the clear Florida sky shimmered with the dazzling sparkle of sunlight on the water of the bay. The atmosphere danced in a surreal way. I had a strong sensation of something teasing at the edge of my mind but when I focused, it slipped away. The hollow inside me seemed to recede.

Al was staying at the home of friends who were also active in the ARE, the Cayce group in Virginia Beach, and they made everything available for his comfort and the reception of his clients.

We were greeted at the door by a smiling, buxom blonde who cheerfully invited us inside. There were no trappings of weirdness that I had come to associate with the psychics I had visited: no dark drapes, icons of the Virgin, crystal balls, or long, flowing robes. On the contrary, this house was very ordinary, and this woman wore jeans and a Western shirt.

Apparently Al was already in trance, and Eva went directly into a small bedroom set up for this purpose. After a half hour she came out with a look of total amazement on her face.

“You must have a reading,” she whispered urgently. “I’ll pay for it if you don’t want to spend your money!”

I was skeptical as all get out, but the appointment time was available, so I agreed. This was really a perfect set up for a valid test. I had not even made an appointment myself, so there was no way the guy could have collected any information about me in advance. And I had definitely mastered the art of asking questions completely ambiguously. After a quick consultation between Eva and our hostess, I went into the little room.

It was just an ordinary bedroom, but almost completely bare, with a frosted glass window without drapery and plain white walls. A tape recorder and small lamp on a cheap card table stood next to an army cot. Al was lying supine, covered by a light blanket, a hand towel over his eyes to block the light. His hands rested on the cot, extended at his sides. During the entire reading, the only part of him that moved, other than his lips, was one little finger, which sort of vibrated every time he spoke.

I wanted to open with a really ambiguous question to do a reality check. Controlling my voice to give nothing away, I asked for a general health commentary. I was prepared to mislead if he made vague statements assuming nonexistent health problems.

But I was surprised by that inert man who had no way to read anything about my expressions or body language. His voice was a deep, gravelly baritone, with a peculiar accent that was sort of British East Indian. In sonorous tones he inquired:

LS: Is there a specific area in your body that concerns you? We note about you now a generalized condition that seems to be relating not only to your bloodstream, but seems to be affecting somewhat the assimilating of foodstuffs, and seems to be causing somewhat of an imbalance in your body. We note that the indications of the bloodstream in terms of the lymph cells and productive secretions thereof are of such a nature then to indicate a minor infection… Also we note that the white cell count is somewhat erratic, but seems to be consistently higher than is normal. The red cell count seems to be weakened and somewhat diminished in terms of the elemental carrier conditions of the body’s reservoir system…it means concisely that your body is not dispersing properly foodstuffs, do you see? Now, lymph reaction seems to be due to inflammatory condition on uterine walls. We find somewhat of a tilted condition of some of the internal. …one moment please [long pause] Have you recently been with child?

That certainly took my breath away. I answered yes.

LS: Well, you are still bearing some conditions in regard to this. We find somewhat of the distension on the wall structure of the uterus. We find this to be due to… [long pause] did you have a difficult delivery?

Obviously, this guy was right there inside my body looking at things. I couldn’t figure out why he didn’t know that I didn’t deliver at all, but maybe his ability to access information was based on the structure of the question. So, I answered: “No, I had an abortion.”

LS: Very well then. This perhaps is the reason for this then. We see that there was an irritant along the uterine wall. We find this to have caused an inflammatory condition here. This seems to have caused a secondary infection causing discharge, causing also some natural production from lymphoid tissue. …There seem to be several of the capillaries here that are very irritated, and there is indication that they are, from time to time, erupting.

That was certainly true. I had been bleeding off and on, mostly on, for nine months or so. Lama Sing, speaking through Al, then went on to prescribe corrective treatments and dietary adjustments very much like the old Cayce readings.

Okay, he could do a physical reading similar to Cayce’s, and he was on the money in that regard.

“I would like to ask about my association with an individual named Grant?” Is that ambiguous enough? I thought so. And that is why the response was so interesting.

LS: There seems to be some confusion here in terms of this relationship. It does not seem as though you have both placed each other in harmony here. (That was an understatement!) There seem to be some aspects of this that you are not telling one another. If you would seek to make this a lasting relationship, it would require that you both express yourselves more completely. And to keep the expressions of an honest nature, so that there are no items that are hidden and no barriers to hide behind. Here there can be a lasting relationship if it is chosen. But it seems that there is not, indeed, a true choice here.

That pretty much summed it up. I wanted to see if he could just come right out and tell me: who was lying? Who was choosing and who was not?

“You say that something is not chosen. By me or by him?”

LS: Well, it is almost as though both entities are somewhat reserved in certain areas. Now, you know yourself, my child, that you do not seem to be totally releasing self.

It was certainly true that I had spent all my energy hiding myself, suppressing myself, and feeling at fault for everything that had happened.

“Yes.”

LS: And this seems to be forming a cloud here around this relationship, you see. The clouds must be dissipated.

Sure, I knew that. “How?” I asked.

LS: By becoming quite honest and forthright with one another. To be vague and to be of a nature then, which is evasive and elusive in terms of your confidences, you shall have then a relationship which is of that same nature: elusive. You will find often there are times where you could become more open by saying what, truly, my friend, you feel about this or that, or by stating what you truly wish for the future in regard to this.

It was certainly true that there was no honesty in the relationship, and I didn’t see how I could convince Grant to be honest when he had clearly chosen not to be. That seemed to be the central issue. Since Grant had not “chosen” the relationship, and had said he couldn’t, I figured that I would try to discover the source of his confusion. I asked: “Why is Grant so confused?”

LS: The great confusion, as it is defined here, is merely a lack of defining self and then accepting that which is defined. He is not in confusion, he is being confused by those incidents, guidance, lurings and temptations that surround him. He dwells too heavily in what has been, and listens to the words of others as guidings and temptings from without. This causes certain balancing factors in his body to become askew. It makes him weary of mind and body, and tends to cause pains both mental and physical. These imbalances also drain his energy and make him despondent to the point of non-functioning. His mental body has no means of expressing itself. This is the normal course of events, as sadly is seen in the earth, when entities have no identity established within self. They seek for those false identities and attention and concern from others who do have an identity. Past persecutions are seen here for this entity was on the earth during the time when profession of faith was an act worthy of demise of the body.

That was interesting. Did it mean that he was afraid to commit because he remembered commitment as being dangerous? Maybe I had persecuted him in some way, explaining his need to hurt me so much. I asked: “What was our relationship in that time of persecution and how does it relate to our present day situation?”

LS: Here we find this was an opportunity for some greater strengthening to wisdom and knowledge which could, at the emotional and mental level, be passed from you to him. But confusion should be avoided here as well. This relationship should not be drawn to… one moment please, comments are forthcoming… [long silence] We are advised of several matters here which are quite pertinent to this situation. Do not be confused. Do not confuse matters of mind and spirit with matters physical. For any relationship which can be found on the earth plane will have, at best, a short duration when it is based upon physical relations. Grant must learn to find meaning behind the mental and spiritual aspects of all those with whom he dwells. In terms of interaction with you, my child, this could have been a possibility, though seems to be passing.

I didn’t want to hear this. I desperately wanted to know something that would give me hope. I wanted a clue to enable me to change Fate, to turn back the clock, to make it end differently. “What is the purpose for Grant’s incarnation in this life, then?” I asked.

LS: The purpose of this incarnation is among the clearest we have seen in these many readings. This entity is struggling to relieve himself of a karmic bond which is saddening and binding to a level which is not proper. He struggles very desperately in the spiritual sense to convey to an outward expression of a physical being, that All that Is continues throughout time and should not be eradicated to the point of transcending common sense and common judgment. Briefly stated: heavily laden with karmic debt.

I was stunned. I had never heard so dire a pronouncement in any of the literature I had read on psychic readings and channeling. It almost sounded as if Lama Sing was saying that Grant was either possessed or deliberately evil. It was like a diagnosis of terminal cancer. What could I do? How could I save him? I needed more details. I asked, “Can we look at the situation that brought about this condition? What is the explanation for this?”

LS: Very easily done. We are viewing this at this time. Here there is domination by those from the East, the Romans. We find the entity as a professed follower of the Master. A large group of others as well, who we see encaptivated at this point of time we are now viewing. Given the opportunity to affirm or deny the association with the Master, and thus save the physical life, we find the entity, Grant, denying same, thus saving his body. A depth of sadness cannot be conveyed to you in words relating to this effect upon this entity’s soul remembrance. But mark you, it bears a heavy imprint. This should be viewed in no different light than one whom walked with the Master and held firmly to his tenets and teachings. For all are equal in God’s eyes. It should be viewed as an opportunity to expand and grow to the proper position with God.

So that was it! Indeed. I must have been involved in some way that hurt him dreadfully! That was why I felt so great a guilt when I was around him, why I felt it was so essential for me to help him. It was only natural for me to compensate for a wrong done in the past. I needed to know more: “How did I relate to him in that time?”

LS: You were one of the leaders of this group. Yes, indeed!

“I don’t understand.”

LS: A leader of the group following the Master’s teaching; a companion of Paul on his journeys. You were a teacher of teachers among those who taught in those days. Yes. Met your death at the hands of these opponents. Some died from beasts, and some from the mere pleasure of sport at the hands of other men. Look at the entire grouping of souls around you. It bears the mark yet of the entire scene we have just described. Some of those you interact with, including your mother, were among those to be found seated in the Coliseum, not to be found following the Master. Again, being mindful not to judge on that basis. You are seeking to find again that same motivating belief that was ever present then. It is no further distance away from you than a mere thought. Only your own will can separate you from God.

With stunning clarity I saw a flash vision of that death I had experienced as Lama Sing described. I had wanted to know that, somehow, all my suffering was deserved, not that I was a victim lifetime after lifetime! If being a martyr for Christ had not conferred upon me some special grace, if it was still necessary to struggle and suffer, what was the point?

I asked for a comment on Carol to discover if I had possibly committed some terrible act against her in another time to cause her to betray me in this life. I most definitely was looking for excuses for the behavior of others, and justification for their actions. After all, I was the one who was being pursued by the Hound of Hell. Regarding Carol, Lama Sing had this to say:

LS: Yes, we find involvement here. One occasion involving three entities currently prominent in your experiences. We find this in the tenth or eleventh century following the entry of the Christ consciousness to the earth plane in that land now known to you as Languedoc. We find the relationship here that of the feudal system; that involving serfdom, the dominance of families with power, and land and wealth, having governing ability.

That was certainly interesting! Not only that, but it rather confirmed the hypnotically recalled past life Carol had described; she’d accused me of being a privileged “Norman” while she was merely a lowly “Gaul.” I asked: “What was my relation to Grant in that time?”

LS: Seems to be one of blood relationship, yet very close to the current relations as we view this. But there was controversy here. Seems to have been in regard to matters of protocol or custom. There seems to have been a reaction between you in terms of what your place was and what his place was, and a seemingly endless discussion in this regard. The female you have mentioned was a very close companion of yours but died at a very young age in that lifetime and the relationship perhaps never did reach its fullest point, but was one treasured well in that time, but abruptly ended. It caused you some sadness in that time. We find your mother in higher stature in that life, having governing control over all of you, having the say of where you went, what your future was to be. Hence, there was always an attempt to maintain good favor with her and to attempt to ploy her with various ways to obtain what you wanted. Some reluctance between you and her in that lifetime in terms of what pathway you should have followed, and we find that this seems to have repeated itself again in this lifetime.

This was getting more interesting by the minute. I wanted to know about more of my lifetimes. In childhood I’d once been attracted to the idea of living as a Native American. Now I wondered if that had been an impression of an actual experience in that milieu. I didn’t quite know how to ask it without leading, but managed to fumble out: “What about a life as, perhaps, an American Indian?”

LS: Yes. Well, we noted that very quickly when we greeted you. It was one which was very strong for you. In fact, several of the entities with whom you dwell now dwelled with you in that time also.

“Grant?”

LS: Yes. It seems that you had a high position here involved with religious practices and healing. We find your position in the gathering to have been of honor. The entity Grant, you have mentioned, seems to have been a comrade, though not of your standing. You would call him a warrior in that time. The female entity… your ally in this lifetime…

“Carol?”

LS: No…

“Eva?”

LS: Yes. Well, we find her here as well. We find her as a maiden again, and there seems to have been a fondness between you and she, though you did not accept marriage in that incarnation. There was a great fondness here. We are finding this to be in the Northern and Eastern segment of your country.

So that was why Eva and I seemed to know each other so well! Ha! It was funny the way Lama Sing worded it: almost as though suggesting that we had been married in another life that was not being described.

At last I decided to ask just exactly what caused my recent “depression”. I most certainly didn’t want to say that I had nearly taken my own life, so I asked, “Could you give me some insight regarding my present psychological or spiritual progress?” Is that not a very clever open kind of question? I thought so. I was trying very hard not to lead in any direction.

LS: There is deep sadness, then, as defined here. There is that loneliness that comes from a weary heart; one who seeks only one to share with in this lifetime those joys, those sadnesses, and that part of life which is fulfilled only by having those about self with whom can be shared a complete and fulfilled portion of love. Do you see? This is wanting in you at this time.

You feel, at this time, that your life has brought you to a point of what you would call stagnation. This point should not be assessed in this way, but rather that self has been brought to a point wherein you can search carefully within. Develop and flower into that which is truly within you.

It matters not what the vehicle of your being is, but what is contained within that being. For it is to be said very learnedly that that which is seen in its outer appearance to be of glistening, of glimmering radiance in terms of earth plane desirability, may oftimes, upon closer evaluation, be not that at all. A true beauty is vivid from within that entity once it is fulfilled in confidence and the knowledge that God is alive within self. Respect that temple within that is of the living God. Call upon that, learn to be with that, and you will find that outwardly your body will change, your skin will change, your body structure; all that which is a living part of your physical body will change. As long as this is not recognized, there must be, no doubt, sadness here and the body not responding as you would like it to.

And how difficult it has been to change your body. You have tried and tried. Yet seemingly nothing seems to work. But is it not, my child, perhaps you begin at a point here that is not at the beginning? You are working on the result, rather than seeking the cause. And it is not a serious cause, dear child. You must know that you are loved dearly, and know that this love comes to you because we are with you eternally. Your dwelling on the earth plane is to expand your soul’s experience and expression. It is to have that opportunity to develop, to find that which is truly of love and beauty and to allow that to lie fallow, then to grow and become an example for others, do you see?

A departure from the earth plane, then, should be discussed here, we see.

(This remark was a shock.)

One can say that it is easily done to depart from the earth plane. One can merely will it to be so and find that, after a time, the body responds to the mind’s command and you become ill of body and depart. But what do they find upon that departure? That they, themselves, are studying those very things that they had seen as a cause to want them to depart, you see? Only in this plane, or from this aspect, it is done with a joy and some small, shall we say, relationship to humor here. But it is not done with the seriousness of your minds on the earth plane, but just as one would evaluate their ability to do this or do that as an actual deed on your plane. Not in a hardness or critical sense, do you see? After that, then, the entity ultimately will decide to return to the earth plane, or one similar to this, to experience and to develop and strengthen itself.

What is your greatest desire? That should be your goal, see? We are slightly humored for we find that you know the solution to what you consider to be your problem. But your are just a bit, shall we say shy, in order to pursue it. Dear child, you must know at this point that, as your mind builds, and as your heart feeds to that thought which lovingly is your desire, so does it become manifest. Not with anticipating, but in a loving, kind and willing way, know in the comfort and silence within self, that as you desire and as it is beneficial to you, so is it given. Fare thee well, then dear one. We depart.

And that was that.

It was a huge amount of information to assimilate. Driving home with the tape of the session in my hand, all I could really remember was that this man had suggested I had been a Christian martyr, and they thought it was humorous that I couldn’t figure out what to do!

Well, I wasn’t laughing, but I was, at long last, thinking.

And the sun danced on the waters of the bay as we sailed home across the bridge.