Putting Family First-- Even (Especially) in an Election Year

"Give up on the idea of winning. Don’t try to convince the other person. It’s not about winning; it’s about diffusing a situation that could potentially break a family or a friendship."

If I were to write an advice column today, I might call it “How to Keep Friends and (not) Try to Influence People During a Crazy Off the Hook Divisive Ridiculous Hysterical Election Season.”

Reader 1: “Dear Ms. Moon, I hope you can help me. I’m a liberal Democrat. I don’t hide it, in fact I’m proud of it. I believe Hillary Clinton will make the best President but I would have been okay with Bernie.

Here’s my problem. Everyone else in my family hates Hillary and loves the Donald!!! How could they? Drumph is a bigoted, classless, ignorant, xenophobic, sexist, Islamophobic, lying idiot!!!!!! How can I help them see how wrong they are?”

Reader 2: “Dear Ms. Moon. So, here’s the thing. I’m a Republican. I love Donald Trump. I think he’s DA BEST and love that he says exactly what’s on his mind and isn’t politically correct. I agree we have to keep America safe, protect ourselves from illegal immigrants, keep Muslims out until we know what’s going on, and we need to take our country back from Obama’s failed presidency.

Here’s the problem. MY SISTER. She LOVES Hildebeest! I can’t believe my own sister supports that lying liar who lies!!! What about Benghazi!! I thought she was smart, but obviously not. How can I make her see the light?”

Whew. These hypothetical people are too far apart. I’m glad I’m not a real advice columnist.

But this is happening, all across America and maybe in your own life. Families, friends, co-workers—people we know are finding themselves on opposing sides of a chasm that seems to be growing wider and more un-navigable with every passing week.

I really don’t know what to say to my two imaginary advice seekers, so I asked a real expert for help.

Dr. Carlyn Tamura is a clinical psychologist who works with a lot of couples, families and children. She is seeing a lot of this in her practice.

“I see it in some of my couples who are there for other reasons,” Tamura says. “The political conflicts reflect the power struggles the couple is going through. Usually it’s an indication of something deeper.”

Remember that sometimes people do change. As they live their lives they change their values, their goals, and even their political views. That applies to everyone, even you, so love, accept and treat people and their views with respect. Observe, don’t judge.

If they clam up then no one talks at all. That may seem like the perfect solution to conflict-haters everywhere. But avoidance, Tamura says, is bad because, “If it’s too taboo then the families are disconnected.” And a disconnected family means a weakened family bond, and everyone goes their own way.

Talking is better, but talking often leads to shouting, and that leads to fights. And if people fight, “They often get caught up in winning the battles,” Tamura says. And that can lead to everyone losing in the end if it leads to permanent rifts in the family or relationship.

One of the keys, she says, is to be open and genuinely curious about the other person’s point of view. Being curious doesn’t mean you agree. It just means you want to understand what makes them think the way they do. Just listen, and try not to take things personally.

And if the discussion starts out or becomes contentious? Then, Tamura says, act like a therapist. Take an observer’s position. Ask questions and LISTEN.

“That’s interesting that you take that position.”

“Tell me more about what you feel.”

“Why do you feel that way?”

The key, Tamura says, is to give up on the idea of winning. Don’t try to convince the other person. It’s not about winning; it’s about diffusing a situation that could potentially break a family or a friendship.

“Look for the overlaps,” Tamura says.

For example, even those on extreme opposite sides can probably agree on what they want for an end result—to make the United States a better country. To make America stronger. You don’t have to agree on how to get there. That’s an overlap.

The important thing is to not lose sight of what really matters—the family. The friendship. You can, Tamura says, “love the sinner but not the (perceived) sin.”

Remember that sometimes people do change. As they live their lives they change their values, their goals, and even their political views. That applies to everyone, even you, so love, accept and treat people and their views with respect. Observe, don’t judge.

Remember, we change our President every few years, but family is forever.