Tar Sands Facial Mud Masks Latest Craze

by The Lapine ·
Published September 1, 2013
· Updated February 1, 2015

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NEW YORK — The New York Times is calling it the hottest beauty and skin-care product to hit the market in years and millions of mostly young professionals agree.

Usually sold by the barrel, Canada’s tar sands petroleum is now being sold in 7 ounce (198 gram) jars and used as a mud-pack facial.

“This oozy stuff still has some greasy chunks but it is the hottest selling skin product this fall without a doubt,” wrote Adell Cinqo, lifestyle writer for the New York Times. “Users swear it tightens up their skin and gives them a cheeky glow.”

Manufacturers and retailers say they are scrambling to keep up with demand.

Estee Lauder is the latest beauty and skin-care company to launch a tar sands facial mud-pack called “Pure Energy” which retails for $125 and joins other products with names like “Mineral Revival” and the sassier “Face Fuel.”

As Americans and Canadians goop up and give themselves facial masks “right from the earth of the Canadian north”, the Times is calling oil sands face masks the biggest selling skin-care product to hit the market in years with an estimated 2.5 million jars of the gummy petroleum selling within the last three weeks.

“My face gets all tingly after just a few seconds,” said Kate Beeson, a publishing house rep who says she was getting tired of avocado facials.

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The Lapine is Canada's Best Satirical Online Newspaper. It satirizes politics, life, media and the human condition, with a special focus on Canada.
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