Miami Ranked Most F*ckable City

In the first study of its kind, the Pew Research Center
today released a nationwide municipal “Marry, Fuck, Kill” survey that placed
Miami squarely in the middle classification.

Over 20,000 individuals from diverse racial, gender, and
sexual preference backgrounds ranked the relative attractiveness of 80 U.S.
cities. Results indicated that 98% of respondents would happily copulate with
Miami—preferably in cowgirl position, though doggy and side also earned high
marks. This granted the Magic City top score in the most lascivious of categories.
For context, the runner-up (Santa Monica, CA) only received a 74% rating.

Conversely, only 12% of polled individuals stated they would
tie the knot with Miami.

“I don’t think we’d work out,” explained Emilia Clarke, Esquire’s
2015 Sexiest Woman Alive. “Sure, it’d be fun for a while, but there are some
serious red flags. Commitment is key, and honestly, I don’t know if it’ll be around
in 40 to 50 years.”

Boulder, CO led the “Marry” rankings, while the undisputed leader of “Kill” division was Newark, NJ.