Sunday, May 3, 2009

XMEN: Origins-Wolverine

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD, BUT THIS STORY'S BEEN OUT FOREVER...

Here is what happens in "X MEN: Origins-Wolverine." Cute kid ends up killing after someone kills his dad. Kid and brother run into the woods, on the lam. Ten minute opening montage (nice camerawork) of killing through various wars from the Civil (I think) to Vietnam. Boys end up in Africa working for some mercenary team, killing. Despite the fact that they've been killing for a long time now, Wolverine suddenly has a crisis of conscience which causes him to leave the group. The rest, it is assumed, go on killing.

Wolverine begins a life of simple basics in Canada with the woman he loves. She tells him a mystical story about Wolverine. Brother, meanwhile, inexplicably starts killing. The woman Wolverine loves is involved. Revenge set up. Wolverine is willing to go through unspeakable amounts of torture and nearly die to avenge this wrong. He bolts out of the tank naked (OK, that was cool). Runs away.

Meets the best characters in the movie, two sweet kind farmers who give him clothes and food. Major FX scenes, they (of course) get killed. Lots of stuff blows up real good. Wolverine kills one bad guy who was really on his ass.

Drives away on a cool motorcycle.

He finds rogue members of his mercenary band who (inexplicably) haven't yet been killed. They tell him of another mutant who escaped "the Island," where the bad guy is doing his experiments. Wolverine sets out to find him.

(Now, as an aside, Wolverine can supposedly hear/feel/sense things that most can't. This power seems to only work sporadically, since the biggest things that happen he is unaware of, or, as he says: "I didn't listen to my instincts." --When was the last time a superhero didn't listen to their instincts? But I digress.)

In a flurry of flying cards, the luscious Taylor Kitsch (from "Friday Night Lights") is introduced as Gambit.

Wolverine's revenge mission now (supposedly) is to find this Island, so he can kill his brother. Wolverine is again ignoring his instincts as the guy he's seeking is currently right out back, smacking the living tar out of another guy he brought along. OK, he gets killed too.

Screaming, "I will never go back there," gorgeous Gambit rips a hole in the wall. Wolverine falls out of it and finds his brother. He proceeds to try to kill him.

Gambit inexplicably stops the fight. Lots of stuff gets destroyed in the process. Wolverine's brother, known in later movies as Sabretooth (played in the first XMen by a different actor), inexplicably leaves, even though his mission is ostensibly to kill his brother.

Gorgeous Gambit and hunky Wolverine team up to seek out the runaway brother and kill him. And kill everyone each man hates just for good measure.

Double cross. Major double cross. Things are not what they seem. Wolverine wants to kill. Bad guy has been created to fight Wolverine, named Deadpool. (This is only relevant for the inevitable sequel.) Both Wolverine and Deadpool are indestructible, you see.

Major kick ass set piece on the top of a major notable landmark. Wolverine, his brother and Deadpool involved. Fight, fight, fight. Landmark destroyed, Deadpool decapitated, Wolverine's brother (now inexplicably on his side) disappears.

Gambit (who was who knows where all this time?) reappears. Rather than helping him (when he clearly needs it), Wolverine tells gorgeous Gambit to go save some kids. "I'm on it!" he says, cheerfully. By the time they get there, the kids are getting safely into a chopper guided by a character we know and love from the other XMen movies.

Gambit shrugs his shoulders, goes back to help Wolverine, whom if he'd stayed there, he could've helped in major ways. Instead, death and major injury occurs. Wolverine, as a consequence, loses his memory.

Buildings are crumbling, authorities are coming. Gambit realizes that Wolverine has no memory, tries to convince him he's a friend and get him out of there. Wolverine wants to "go it alone." Despite the fact that he has no memory and obviously shouldn't be wandering around alone, Gambit lets him do so.

The end.

WHAT a CROCK.

So, yeah, if you like killing and stuff blowing up real good, this could be a movie you wanna see in theatres. If you are a person who craves a semblance of a believable plot, you might want to avoid this. On the other hand, Taylor Kitsch is gorgeous and makes a stunning movie debut as Gambit. He alone is almost worth the price of admission.

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I’m a hard-working journalist/blogger who takes this job every bit as seriously as one in a brick-and-mortar location. I’ve been a critic (film, theatre, music) and an entertainment writer. I’ve worked just about every job in a newspaper or magazine except sales and cleaning crew. I’ve watched technology jump leaps and bounds, and am still trying to keep up. My manifesto, in this blog and elsewhere in my writing, is to always be honest to my audience. I hope you enjoy my writings. I’m still trying to figure out a way to make this more interactive. So please comment! Let me know what you think. Thanks.

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