Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Sacred Cow

I am a modern man. I am a fairly liberal individual. I need to be for my job. Therefore, I am open to many things. I understand that not everyone believes the same thing. I also understand there are a few things you just cannot say or do or tread upon. I don't talk about politics, religion, or how to raise kids, simply because most people disagree on the finer points.

It is one thing to disagree over whether it's colder today than last year, we can disagree and be okay with the other person disagreeing. But when you get into religion, politics or some other things, you simply cannot be allowed to disagree with someone, they have to try and turn you or they will be mad at you forever. I don't like that.

I don't, personally, usually consider myself as having a sacred area upon which others may not tread.

Until this morning, when I realized my coffee was weak. Weak is an understatement. It was more of a coffee flavored tea. In fact it was lightly coffee flavored. So lightly flavored that my taste buds, armored from years of drinking strong coffee, failed to register ANY coffee taste. Obscenely tasteless, really, more like hot water. In fact not coffee at all, this was brown water. I don't like brown water. In fact, I HATE brown water. This brown hot water in my cup was NOT coffee! I was suddenly filled with rage at brown water!!

This constituted a deeply personal and gravely important problem. In those three seconds where I took a sip in the dark in front of my computer screen, I flashed upon all the things I had just done. I saw myself grinding the shit out of the fresh beans, I saw me placing a generous helping of ground beans in the filter, then adding a wee bit more for good measure. I saw me adding fresh water to the reservoir. I saw me turning off the light and going back to my chair to wait for it to brew, and start up the computer to check my email. I saw me pouring that first cup in the dark. I saw me tasting it right then. I then imagined me standing up forcefully and becoming a Godzilla-type monster and throwing a super-big mega-atomic world-class temper tantrum.

I realized right there, I may have found my sacred place. My moment that must not be messed with. This is my sacred cow.

Thou shalt not screw with the morning's first sip of coffee, for it is written that Jim will become unhinged!!

As it turned out, my emergency filters (the ones I use when I run out of or cannot locate the regular filters) are just a little too large and when the hot water rushed out of the port, it pushed the filter over so only a portion of the water actually mingled with my finely ground coffee. The water, thus bypassing the coffee, came out a sickly looking brown color. I would have noticed this if I wasn't accustomed to pouring my coffee in the dark.

I'm really quite good. I have noticed that I can safely pour almost to the rim simply by listening to the sound of the coffee as it enters the cup.

You are addicted. You need to go to rehab and learn the 12 step rule. Thou shalt not drink coffee in the dark. Thou shalt not pour coffee in the dark. Thou shalt not use wrong filters. Thou shalt not raise voice when coffee is not done properly.