The Psychology of "Courting" in Ignorantism

Another culture of Ignorantism that starts during this period or shortly afterwards is the psychology of courting. Young men and women raised in a self-interested, selfish way begin to form distorted male-female relationships and prepare themselves for an equally distorted concept of marriage in the period that follows. A young man who suggests to a girl that they go out together is also offering her a complete package, including his behavior, his manner of speech, troubles, caprices, the places he goes and manner of approaching people. The structure of this package, based on mutual insecurity, is such as to demean both parties and help cause them lose their personalities when put into practice. This relationship model between people maintains its fundamental elements for years, altering only in terms of places attended, clothing, style and behavior in accord with conditions of the time.

During the courting period, both parties share the same state of mind, ways of thinking and looking at events. Indeed, the precondition to experience such a period in the first place is to possess the state of mind it requires. It is impossible to adopt the behavior this system requires with a normal state of mind. This particular state can be experienced only in an environment when emotions hold sway and reason and moral judgments cease to apply.

In deciding whether to go steady, the major factor is how much display this partnership can achieve. Even if the other party isn't much liked, still it's important to have someone around to show and so not to have to go places all alone. It is hugely embarrassing for a student to have no one to go out with. Neither party uses their own true personality or behaves honestly in order to bind the other to them. They assume a second personality instead.

There is a certain way of meeting and beginning to talk and to date, for every two people who want to date each other.

The girl starts going to particular places in order to meet the person she likes. She first identifies someone at a party, in school or on holiday. She starts to walk around and laugh in such a way as to attract his attention, and seeks to join the group and meet the other party's friends. It's essential in doing this not to allow the boy to sense her interest, though her attention is actually entirely focused on him.

After they have met, the first features to come up for scrutiny are physical appearance and wealth. Make of car, where the other person lives, where they spend the summer, the school they attend, the accessories they wear—all give a fair idea of whether to take an interest. All these are analyzed and a plusses and minuses drawn up before making a decision whether to invite this person out.

There then follows an exchange of phone numbers and an invitation to go somewhere. It's important that the boy should be the one to issue the invitation. He also has to pay when they go out. The next day, the girl spends all day waiting by the telephone and generally doesn't leave the house. The boy will generally not call immediately, so as not to appear too keen. When speaking on the phone, they behave in a manner learned from films, and all contact with the outside world is cut off. The girl has to put on a show of reluctance, even if she actually feels nothing of the sort. After they have spent a certain amount of time in each other's company, romantic behavior begins. They lose themselves in romantic songs and in an artificial mist.

Once they have started going out together, all their tastes are readjusted. A process begins of dressing according to the taste of the other party and listening to music of the other party's choice, of giving the impression of understanding things one really does not—in short, falsehood. Seeking the other's approval, which is the fundamental motive of the Religion of the Ignorant, takes place at the very highest level. As matters grow more serious, gifts begin to be purchased, and their price tags increase over time. These presents are shown to their respective families and friends. The recipients make it clear that they are sufficiently well liked to be worth such valuable presents. Both parties seek information about the other's families and acquaintances. If one's family is rich, they will immediately seek to show the other where they live. If the family is not rich, then false appearances will be given and the other party kept at a distance. The dissemblers will behave as if they own things they do not, and have gone places they've never been to. Since they know that this will determine the value the other places on them, great expertise will be demonstrated in this area. Having a wide circle of acquaintances is a sign of wealth. They will speak of people they have never met as if they actually know them. There are always certain subject matters of conversation.

In male-female relations, no effort is made to seek the approval of Allah or to observe the bounds set by Him, just as in all other areas. In this ignorant and wicked rationale, it is not acceptable to be known to be devout and in awe of Allah. The subject is closed by meaningless expressions such as "Everyone has his own beliefs."

Going out is extremely important in terms of showing off to one's friends. The more people a man is seen with, the greater his status. In addition, the point of his going out with a pretty girl is to provoke his friends' envy and admiration. Girls generally prefer to go with a boy who has a flashy car, because their prestige will rise enormously when their friends at school see it. It's also important for the other party to have a nice home, for their friends to see and admire.

Their relationship is never based on love and respect. It is based on spending empty time together, wandering about, eating, showing off, mutual whispering, so signs of conflict and boredom eventually begin to appear. Girls generally weep every time there is an argument, while boys seek to appear indifferent and unemotional. Their seeking to impose their will and place pressure on each other, and the climate of insecurity between them, soon develop into major problems.

There are no such concepts as devotion and loyalty between them. Both parties know that when the other finds someone more attractive or more handsome, more wealthy or more popular, then they will be dropped at the first available opportunity. They live constantly under the strain this causes. Indeed, this subject is raised whenever possible and used as a threat. Mutual respect soon evaporates. Since they gradually realize that the one they so admired is actually just a helpless human being, even the slightest hint of this puts them off, and their love gradually fades away. Seeing the other person after they have just gotten up, sweating, with acne, or ill with a cold causes the love they feel to diminish rapidly.

They frequently humiliate one another in public. In order not to appear stupid, they say they don't like the other person, talk about their faults and laugh at them in front of friends.

Despite all this, the relationship still persists—out of the fear of failing to find anyone better. Despite all the arguments and break-ups, they still get back together if they fail to find anyone else. It seems better to have someone to go out with, no matter how unsatisfactory, than for everyone to know one is all alone.

When breaking up, it's also very important to make the first move. People often split up just for the sake of not being the one who gets dumped. Arguments and caprices are important with regard to not being easy to get along with. In the event of getting back together after a break-up, the make-up gift is of the greatest importance, because its cost will show how much that person is valued.

The courting period is when the boy and girl's personalities, moral values and self-respect gradually disappear. Such a period, largely built around show, materialism, pessimism and insincerity, will have permanent destructive effects on the later life of young people just beginning to mature and learn about life.

All this shows how empty and troublesome the relationship model of Ignorantism known as courting or going out together truly is. Yet for many people looking in from the outside, that period appears most enjoyable and delightful. Films are largely responsible for that image. Thousands of movies have depicted this period as one that makes two people in a relationship see the world through rose-colored glasses, and constitutes the happiest moments of their lives. However, this fine picture has nothing to do with real life. Just as with all other relationships in the Religion of the Ignorant, male-female relationships are conducted with insincere and self-interested logic. Both parties enter a troubled, depressive state of mind due to their pride, urge to show off, insincerity and insecurity.

This is in fact a consequence of the hollow life of this world being adorned with baubles, which fact is frequently emphasized in the Qur'an. The main characteristic of satan, who will endeavor until the Last Day to turn people from the true path, is portraying the world as so attractive. Satan's promise on this subject goes:

He said, "My Lord, because You misled me, I will make things on the Earth seem good to them and I will mislead them all, every one of them." (Surat al-Hijr, 39)

If a person fails to use his reason, he will fall under satan's spell and be deceived by the false façade of things in this world that are actually hollow, transitory and troubling.

This also applies to courting, or dating. A young man or woman enters the emotional atmosphere they have viewed in films or learned about from those around them. They imagine that by entering a relationship, they will be the happiest people on Earth. But the fact is, they will soon realize that there is no perfect relationship such as they had imagined. Yet even that will not inspire them to think. They will simply believe they got bored with their old flame and need to start looking for a new one.

Alternatively, they see marriage as a great ambition, imagining that true happiness will begin once they have achieved it. They thus enter a vicious circle, which they can never escape until the day they die, since they fail to use reason. They have now fallen under the scope of the verse in the Qur'an that reads:

To those who disbelieve, the life of this world is painted in glowing colors... (Surat al-Baqara, 212)

They have joined the ranks of those described here:

And what of him the evil of whose actions appears fine to him so that he sees them as good?... (Surah Fatir, 8)

In another verse the situation of such people is revealed in these terms:

As for those who do not believe in the Hereafter, We have made their actions appear good to them and they wander about blindly.(Surat an-Naml, 4)

The adornments of this world are deceptive, because they are not real and permanent. The blessings in this world have been created only as an imperfect example of the true blessings in the Hereafter. It is possible to take true pleasure from these blessings only when one realizes that they have been created by Allah as poor examples of the true blessings of the Hereafter. The only way of attaining peace and comfort in this world is to turn to Allah. As revealed in one verse, "... Only in the remembrance of Allah can the heart find peace" (Surat ar-Ra'd, 28).

Since members of Ignorantism are unable to comprehend this, they forget Allah and, imagining that the adornments of this world are real, solid and permanent, they turn from the true path—and suffer as a consequence. The way that deniers are taken in by the life of this world is described as follows in one verse:

But the actions of those who disbelieve are like a mirage in the desert. A thirsty man thinks it is water but when he reaches it, he finds it to be nothing at all, but he finds Allah there. He will pay him his account in full. Allah is swift at reckoning. (Surat an-Nur, 39)

In terms of hopes, dreams and expectations, there is no difference between a male-female relationship lived according to the criteria of the Religion of the Ignorant and far from the approval of Allah, and a mirage, which looks highly attractive and adorned from a distance. When one encounters the truth, however, one sees that these expectations and dreams are hollow and worthless, full of trouble and tension. In the model described, people live in a manner that runs contrary to their true natures. In fact, a person will be pleased by the moral values revealed in the Qur'an and by those values being shown. Since the opposite behavior, words and deeds contradict this nature, they cause everyone unease and distress. For example, there are compassion, trust and tolerance in the love revealed in the Qur'an. In the love that prevails in Ignorantism, on the other hand, there is jealousy, ruthlessness and a general lack of respect.

This conception of love needs to be avoided rather than chased after. The right thing to do is to act in the light of the human nature created by Allah, to show compassion and nourish love.

ADNAN OKTAR: First of all, romanticism itself is ridiculous. It is both ridiculous and difficult, and it is a torment for a person to act like an artist; he acts and hides his real face and has totally artificial gestures, style and speech. They live as if on a theatrical stage. It is also very difficult to talk to such a person. I see many people being very artificial. A rational person strongly avoids being artificial. It is very disturbing to watch and talk to an artificial person. Women also display such artificial attitudes towards men and vice versa. A grown-up man cries like a woman, acts in an unnatural manner and speaks emotionally. All this behavior makes a woman angry and annoys her greatly. The woman, on the other hand, also displays artificial behavior, pretending to love although she does not, she states that she has suddenly been smitten and has never experienced such feelings before when she meets someone wealthy, handsome who owns his own home and thus deceives that poor fellow and gets him just where she wants him … The truth is, a giant theatrical play is going on in a large part of the world. There are the actors in many plays. They perform for one another. In the time of Hazrat Mahdi (as), the curtain will come down and people will become real people. They will approach one another with real love, they will reveal gunuine wisdom and show their genuine faces. Masks will be removed. A great majority of people use masks. These masks will be removed. People are not happy due to these masks. When I go out, I do not see people smiling, I do not see them happy because people just see masks. A person likes a genuine human being. A mask is hugely disturbing. Likewise, artificial attitudes are very disturbing.

In other words, there is a genuine violet and a plastic violet. These are also sold, made of plastic. Artificial ones are used in many places. That is, they try to imitate real violets. Likewise, a person imitates a lover. Like an actor he acts the role of a lover. But the other person immediately catches on; when asked; "Why do you love him?", she answers, "For his car, house and good looks." It is evident that there is no love there, because when the man's good looks are gone, she will hate him and abandon him. In case he loses his car, it is again evident that she will leave him. So what is the point in this game? But they deceive such poor people, who really believe in them.

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