‘Moon on a stick by 2015’ says upbeat Cameron

Following a month of mass protests, international catastrophes and a continual rise in unemployment, Prime Minister David Cameron has sought to boost the morale of the nation by publicly renewing his pre-election promise that Britain will have ‘the moon on a stick’ by 2015.

During a recent Commons debate, Cameron insisted that the MOS (Moon On a Stick) project is on target to be completed by 2015. He went on to reveal that his flagship policy has moved closer to fruition with the successful completion of phase one. ‘I am delighted to announce that the ‘Stick’ part of the plan is currently in its final stages, and will be unveiled early next month,’ he said. ‘Let that be a lesson to all those on the opposite side of the house who doubted this policy.’

Cameron also revealed that the second, ‘Moon’ phase is expected to begin in 2012, following a feasibility study into the two viable alternatives for attaching the moon to the stick. ‘Basically, we can either launch the stick into orbit manually and hope that it reaches its intended target, or we look at a longer, more comprehensive programme of staggered moves to bring the moon closer to Britain.’

According to cabinet colleagues, the Prime Minister remains confident that Britain will have stick-to-satellite capability by the end of 2015, despite the project being dogged by controversy – not least the diversion of public funds from hospital and police budgets into a trust fund designed to pay out enough dividends to buy a really big pole. The government has also had legal wrangles with the United States over the right to affix a stick to the lunar surface, problems locating the nearest point to the moon in the easternmost point of Britain, and fears from Cornish constituents that ‘mice will run up and eat all the cheese.’.

While Cameron has easily dismissed accusations that he plans to ‘annoy Scottish farmers’ and forcibly change the current implementation of British Summer Time by directly controlling the celestial body from his office, he has been less successful in quelling dissent from his own ranks. Lord Chancellor Kenneth Clarke is said to be particularly opposed to the initiative, having recently mooted a scaled-down version: ‘I very much doubt there’s any practical value in having the moon on a stick,’ he said during an interview with Andrew Marr. ‘Budgetary constraints being what they are we’ll probably end up slipping a broom handle up Nick Clegg’s naked arse and saying job’s a good un.’