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Here we are again. As I’ve said before, I’m not a fan of resolutions. But I know I’m not perfect, by any means, unlike Calvin:

(I love that cartoon.)

So looking back at what I wanted to focus on in 2013 and setting the focus for 2014…

Physical health
I did get back to the gym on a regular basis. I certainly ran more. But then I broke my foot. I was in such great shape prior to that, and it’s been hard to get back into a regular routine with any sort of endurance. But this week has been good. So for 2014 I’ll keep working on going to the gym regularly, building endurance, and running more.

Food
My eating didn’t change much this year, although I somehow got a little sugar addiction lately. Boo on holiday food. So let’s refocus on that for 2014: more veggies!

Writing
My writing was definitely done in waves. I had stretches of lots of blog posts, and then nothing. (See: lack of posts in December.) So there’s the focus for 2014: more consistent blogging.

Dancing
Breaking my foot really made me appreciate dancing. Prior to that, I was going to more groups and practicing on my own. After I broke my foot, I practiced a lot because I was working on checking out. But since then, I’ve struggled to get into a routine. So after the holidays, it’s more group classes, more practicing on my own, and still appreciating it.

Creative hobbies
I stopped baking for a while in the last few months for various reason. I packed my grandma’s recipes, so I can’t go through those until after July. But I’ve baked more this week and will continue to do so. I did learn to crochet but didn’t practice, so now I need a refresher. I certainly knitted more this year and will continue to do so for 2014!

Relationships
No movement there. Meaning no action taken on my part to have anything happen. Stupid Mr Big still in my brain. But steps have been taken this week…more on that soon.

Money
I’ve made some progress towards my financial goals, although Christmas was not planned for as well as it should have been. Oops. So I’m going to take the first six months of 2014 and refocus on money.

Mental health
This year, I realized that my issues are like a chronic condition. I will always have them; I can only cope with the flare-ups. And I’ve done a better job of that lately. This will always be a focus for me though.

Whether you celebrate Christmas or not, I wish you the best of the holiday season: love, peace, joy, and happiness. Take a moment, too, to think of those who are struggling this time of year or who don’t have all that you have.

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August blogging challenge, day 18: The Bucket List – three things that you’ve achieved

Easy, I think…

1. Got married. While it didn’t last forever and it’s no longer a bucket list item for me (meaning I’m fine getting married again and I’m fine not getting married again), at one point it was a big goal. Because that’s what grown-ups do…get married, buy a house, have 2-3 kids, retire…right? At least society says so. I know realize that I don’t have to do what society expects. I can choose to, but it’s OK if I choose to do something else. So I’m not married, renting an apartment, and will retire at some point but probably not at 65. And I’m happy with that.

2. Learned to dance. I’ve written about that again and again. We all know how it’s changed my life.

Two immediately come to mind. One, sitting outside on a beautiful spring day with Mr Big while drinking coffee and just talking for hours. And laughing. Lots of laughing.

The second one that comes to mind is dancing, of course. I don’t remember which Showcase it was (I think it was early on), but I had one Showcase where it felt like NOTHING could have been done better. And I remember being so happy. So full of joy. Have you read the book “Flow“? It’s an amazing book. But dancing for me is a flow moment. I lose all sense of time and am truly deeply happy. And that particular Showcase was about as perfect as it could have been for me. I remember my teacher was so pleased and happy for me and proud of me too, because he felt it too. It was just such a special day.

Oh dance. What memories and special moments you’ve given me as well as such great friends and people in my life.

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A while ago, I talked about jumping back into the dating pool. At least more proactively. I went back to online dating, just to see if I could find someone there worth meeting in person.

Short answer? No.

I think it’s me. I need that spark to date someone. And it’s hard to find that spark in an email. Very difficult. Plus I’m terrible at first dates.

But, having said that…guys online do not do themselves any favors. I mentioned this before, and apparently nothing has changed.

One guy opened a conversation with me this way: “Hey sexy princess, what’s happening?” Um, not the way to capture my attention.

“What’s up?” was another opener as was “Hi”. Dude, you have to give me something to respond to. Prove to me you’re a good conversationalist.

One guy was really good at asking questions, and we had a good conversation going. Nothing spectacular, nothing that made me want to meet him in person. But a good conversation especially compared to some of the other ones. But we never got to the point of actually meeting. It just kinda tapered out.

A lot of guys use far too many text shortcuts and emoticons. (Really? You’re in your 30s and you use “ROFL” in an email? Really??)

Most guys want kids, and I know I’m not doing that. I”m open to dating someone who already has them, but I’m not having them. And apparently many guys do not read a girl’s profile all the way through, because I know I was clear in my profile.

So I decided to stop the online thing. Out of courtesy, I messaged each of the guys I had a conversation going with and told them. To save anyone’s feelings, I told each of them that I was dating someone and therefore canceling my profile. One guy wrote me a very angry message back saying that I shouldn’t have wasted his time and I shouldn’t have let him know I was canceling my profile. Dodged a bullet there, huh?

So I’m back to enjoying the single life and leaving it up to fate and the universe. My path will cross someone’s if it’s meant to. Meanwhile, I’ll keep myself open to the possibility of it.

And if you want to follow some really great stories about online dating, check out my friend KG’s blog. They have great stories!

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It’s been a while since I wrote about the thinky place…actually a month and a half. And it’s because I haven’t really gone there since I temporarily moved there after Dance-O-Rama.

I got there this weekend though. And of course, it started with dance.

In my lesson, I felt like I was messing up basic things, and I was getting frustrated. My teacher, to his credit, seemed surprised because to him, it felt like it was going really well. But I felt I was screwing up easy things I haven’t screwed up in a long time. And then I started thinking about how I was messing up. And I was getting more and more frustrated with myself. When I left, I wanted to cry. Which means I was super frustrated.

And then I realized (after brooding about it for a while). Saturday was Mr Big’s birthday. I haven’t told you much about him, and I’m still not going to. Out of respect for his privacy. But he was a very big part of my life and I do still miss him – or at least the idea of him. Even though it’s been 3 years, I still wonder how he is sometimes.

I think his birthday kinda caught up with me unexpectedly. I haven’t thought about him in a while. And I was caught off guard by the emotions that hit. And dance, I think, was simply the catalyst.

So tonight I went to the dance studio to try and pull myself out of it. And didn’t have much luck. Afterwards it hit me: I’m starting to go back to the place I was after Dance-O-Rama. I’m waiting for someone to make me feel better.

ENOUGH. Starting NOW, I’m going to fake it to make it again, just like I did after Dance-O-Rama. I will make myself happy. I will give myself a talking-to before I go anywhere, especially the studio. I will be positive.

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Did you think I was fooling ya? Or stuck in the ’80s? Nope, just need to tell you about my latest discovery…

My roommates and I decided not to get cable TV in our new place and just get cable internet. But, Comcast is so into their whole “bundling” crap that it was actually cheaper to get very basic cable plus internet than just internet. So this has been an adjustment for me; I’ve had cable since I was a kid. And I’m kinda addicted to TV. So this is good for me – to not have 150 channels to flip through. And you know what? I don’t really miss it.

The other day, SR and I were looking for something to watch. Neither of us had Netflix DVDs here, so we started flipping through Netflix streaming to find something. She flipped through “Psych” and asked if I had seen it. I hadn’t, she thought I’d like it, so we watched the pilot episode.

How has this show not been part of my TV-viewing life? It’s a mystery, which I love. And it’s funny, with quick wit that is very reminiscent of 1950s Hollywood movies. And watching James Roday and Dule Hill interact and act together is awesome.

Plus, Shawn Spencer is very much my type of guy. Dark-haired, smart, witty, funny, goofy, but able to be serious when needed, kinda rugged and scruffy…that’s for me.

A friend of mine writes a blog about dating and how she’s looking for her Ted Mosby. It’s a great blog; you should check it out.

For me, though…it’d be all about how I met my Shawn Spencer. We’ve talked about how I’m ready to date again; at least I think I am. So if you know any guys that fit the description, feel free to send them my way.

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I had two separate friends, unrelated to each other in my life, on two separate occasions ask me this weekend if I was dating anyone.

The answer to that is no, I’m not.

And actually, I’m fine with that. I have learned how to be happy single, and I don’t feel the need to have a relationship to feel like my life is happy. That being said, I do sometimes miss being in a relationship.

My divorce was quite amicable – I think we realized that we were not good at being spouses to each other and couldn’t make each other happy. We tried, and we did counseling, but in the end, we did what was best for each of us and split up.

After my divorce, I was involved with a really wonderful man who had some issues. I call him Mr Big.

(That’s the real Mr Big, not my Mr Big. Just in case you were confused.)

We were great together. We were best friends. But his issues just got in the way, and I reached a point where it wasn’t healthy or good for me to stay. So we ended things. That was almost 3 years ago, and I probably just got over him last fall.

So I tried online dating. It wasn’t spectacular for me. I think it’s really hard for me to get to know people and date them that way. Plus, I kinda suck at first dates anyway, and I don’t think I’ve ever been involved with someone who I wasn’t friends with first. So it’s tough.

But having my friends ask about my dating life this weekend made me think about it. I think I would like to be dating someone. But meeting single normal men in my age range is really difficult. Especially when you spend most of your free time at a ballroom dance studio.

Side note: Guys, wanna meet some great women and have really a good men-to-women ratio? Take ballroom dance lessons.

So I guess my question is how do you meet men if you’re not doing the online thing? Maybe it’s time for me to pay some attention this – at least, it seems like the universe is telling me to do so.

Because I do miss that. The being with someone. The knowing that there is one person out there to whom you mean the world. The love between you and someone.

(Didn’t you LOVE it when Mr Big showed up in Paris? And when he was FINALLY able to tell Carrie she was the one? I cried. I still cry, every time I see it.)

My Mr Big broke my heart, even though it was my decision to leave. And that took a long time to get over. But I think I’m ready to try again and risk it one more time.

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As many of you know, I’ve struggled the last week with how I matter in this world. I still don’t have any answers, but I’m becoming more OK with that.

What I haven’t told you is this struggle was actually a major depression. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t recognize it as such at the time and also because it’s hard to admit you struggle with depression. It rarely rears its head in my life anymore. Anxiety is mostly what I deal with, and even that is greatly less than it was. Depression rarely shows up in me anymore, although I’m realizing that it happens more than I thought it did. It tends to happen around major events with my family (like Christmas) and it tends to happen to around major events that lead to natural let-downs afterwards, like Showcase.

Tonight, I didn’t go to the dance studio for group class because I have a cold. I think I’m still in the contagious phase, so I didn’t want to go breathe on everyone there. When I got home, I started to check a lot of the blogs I follow since I didn’t get a chance to do so yesterday. I saw this post from The Bloggess. She is normally one of the funniest, irreverent bloggers out there, and I laugh out loud at her every time I read it. But her post yesterday was about her struggle with depression.

READ THIS POST. She articulates so well what the struggle is like. Thankfully, mine isn’t a physical manifestation like hers, but it is a mental manifestation in a way. Mine results in me being super-hard on myself and wanting to just crawl in a hole and stay there and not do anything and not talk to anyone and eat bread. Like most people who struggle with depression, I’ve learned to hide it from most people when I’m going through it. Consider yourself a very good friend if you’ve ever seen me in tears in the lowest depths of it.

The Bloggess talks about how cancer survivors are celebrated for their bravery and survival, because they deserve it. But her point is also that people struggling with depression should be celebrated for their bravery and survival. We don’t do that as a society, and we should. Because living with depression is a battle too.

Read her post. And then look at the over 2000 comments she got in response, most of whom are from people like me who found her post to really resonate.

And in reading those 2000 comments, you’ll realize that there are a ton of people who go through this. If you’re one of them, those 2000 comments will help you see you’re not alone. Even when it seems like you are, and you’re afraid to talk to your friends about it because you don’t want to be judged or have it change how they see you, you are not alone. Many, many, many others struggle with it too.

And there’s power in those numbers. It helps immensely to realize that when you feel the most alone, you’re actually not alone.

Recognize that there are probably people in your world who struggle with this. Let them, and all of your friends and family, know that you’re there for them and you love them. Even if you think they’re totally happy and healthy. They may be, and hearing those words out of the blue is great. And if they’re not, those words will be powerful and incredibly helpful.

And for every place above that I talk about depression, substitute anxiety and reread it. The message is the same.

Help spread the silver ribbon movement and be a warrior against the stigma of mental illness. You never know which of your friends you may be supporting.

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About me

Hi! I'm Cathy, a girl trying to reinvent herself while enjoying friends and food...and dancing as much as she can! I read, bake, cook, knit, drink and dance. Not at the same time, of course. Click the "About" tab up above to find out more fun facts about me. And then join me as I navigate this thing called my life.