Silent Stutterer

Working my way through something from which I first had to heal; now I can begin to recover (but how?).

I remember a dayUnable to answer your questionsWith your words circling around in my head.My wordsStuck somewhere in the back of my throatChoking, likeA stuttererUnable even to stut.Was that always me orDid you corrupt me here, asEverywhere else?I no longer recall.The haze of your controlTook those memories from my grasp.

Still, now, I realiseI am a silent stuttererUnwilling to let myself even thinkOf those unhappy sentences.I know they will not come out.To combat a demon, you needAn angelOr so I’ve heard.Catching the eye of someone on the busIt hits me:In these three years I have droppedAll pretence of being able to speak.I wish insteadFor them to speakTo me.

When he speaksI cannot answer.A reply does not cross my mind.

Broken now,By your hands and words on my throat,What do I need to doTo fix this?Rushing against a brick wallWill kill you beforeThe bricks fall down.Better to chip at the mortar.Without tools andUnknowing where to find that mortar IWander endlessly in circles.Your circles still.Your crushing will.

I dream a distant dayWhen words flow freely as a springAs love does from a heart unfettered, andA child looks up to its mother whoHas beaten the worst thing to ever happen to herAnd will make sure they do the same.