I am 1 in 4

I’m new to Instagram, courtesy of my Dr. Bookworm blog. As I was posting about Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness on October 1, I noticed this lovely trend on Instagram. Everyone was posting pictures of themselves or graphics talking about “I am 1 in 4”. I had just finished telling my sisters recently that I was the ‘face’ of Special Delivery because of course I’m the face—I’m the sister whose baby passed away. But it’s something more and something in seeing all these Instagrams triggered something in me: pride. I’m proud of all these women for standing up and spreading the word. I am proud to be a survivor, to have survived the loss of my child, but there’s something more: I couldn’t have done it without you.

Yes, I’m using the generic ‘you’ and when I use it, I mean I’m grateful to my sisters for helping me with Special Delivery, I’m grateful to my cousins who help out at the OC Walk to Remember whenever we are there to distribute books, I’m grateful to my other two daughters who pull me through every day, and I’m definitely grateful to my strong and patient husband who literally has been my rock through every single thing. I’m not sure what I think of when people say their husbands are their rocks, but if any one has anchored me, humbled me, loved me, comforted me in this storm of grief, it’s him. And he’s the only one who knows exactly what I’m going through.

Yet, there’s something more. I’ve survived because of my friends and my community who checked in on me in so many different ways. And I’ve survived because of this community—you parents who have lost a child of your own. Every time I meet someone who I can listen to their story, who can listen to my story of Macy, every time I can give someone a copy of Special Delivery, every time I hug someone at the OC Walk to Remember this weekend, I remember that I am not alone in my grief. And that I am okay.

I have survived. I have made it through the other side. But I haven’t done it alone. So thank you—thank you to each of you I’ll be meeting this weekend. And thank you to one family I met yesterday who inadvertently reminded me why I love to participate in the OC Walk to Remember and why I will continue to give out books there until we run out. Because it matters, it makes a difference, even if the difference is just a little bit, and just for me. But maybe, just maybe, I’ll touch someone else’s heart who needs a little healing.