What Have You Done For Me Lately

I bathed my ass, chocked a cow, cleaned the coop, fed the dog, peed in the yard, saved a life, smoked a joint, had a one morning stand with my wife, got dressed, ate a jalapeño, discovered an old Beatles album, solved a South Korean conflict, baked a cake, danced to Lady Gaga’s tunes, cleaned the car, deep fried some beans, unleashed my wrath on a group of gardeners, rolled some sushi, played black jack online, read a book and had a cup of tea around 9am.

Then I decided to tackle my day.

I later boiled some hotdogs and biscuits with gravy. Built a kite, kissed a frog, designed some jewelry, wrote a thesis, tested the fire alarm, shaved my abdomen, trimmed my testicles, planted a cactus, sewed a sweater, called my mother, flossed the donkey’s teeth, created a presentation, filed my taxes, learned to play the ukulele, sniffed some blow, tangoed in Paris, watched Gossip Girl, complained about the weather, heated the pool, delivered a baby, tore a pair of shoes, sampled some wine, plowed the field and sodomized a bird.

Had a nice nap and woke up at 2pm.

Went for a run and hitchhiked my way back. Protested for the rights of the LGBT’s, aided an old lady with crossing the street, pitched a new business campaign, prayed for Jesus, fasted for an hour, drained a slurpy, picked some fruits, rode the horse, found the needle in the haystack, consulted a fortune teller, painted my scooter, scooped the bat’s shit, checked for flights to Poland, fought a rabbi, recreated history, deleted my yahoo account, dug a hole, glazed a chicken and sat down to enjoy the evening breeze as the sun went down.

I was blessed with a second wind around 8pm.

Won a chess match with my eyes closed, fixed a fan, drove a train, scared a child, raised my flag, changed a station, educated a pack of ravens, asked for a raise, started a debate, cheered for the homeless and DVRd a full season of some vampire related tv show. Filmed a movie, acted out a play, stole a spoon, sculptured an ape, fueled the dishwasher, modeled in the nude and fell asleep on the couch unexpectedly.