Hello again preppers and survivalist. Life changing reality.

Wow I have been away for a long time. I was one of the members who pushed hard for the survival forums on ATS. That was at a time when my life was
much better and focus came easy and I was happy. I use to tell people Me and my family survive together or die together. That was so long ago to me.
In that time I have gotten a new perception of reality. Back then I was the bread winner my wife was happy and my son was well behaved. My daughter
and her husband visited often and treated us all with respect and love. I listened to the survival podcast and never missed.

Things have changed for me in a very bad way. I began to seizures when I had never had them before. I lost my job and became a house husband. I
felt betrayed by life. My warm fuzzy feeling of self worth began to die as each seizure took its toll on my mind and body. I became some one who was
cold and bitter I had no self worth. I became very depressed and still am. I unknowingly chased away my family and lost there respect for me and in
the case of my wife her love. My son became out of control my daughter and her husband both dropped out of college and my wife put the last nail in
the coffin of my self respect/self worth, by saying she is no longer in love with me. She couldn't take my sons out of control behavior and drug
use. I began to smoke again after not smoking for 13 years.

So why do I invite you into reading my personal hell? Because It has opened my eyes to yet another aspect of survival and prepping. I had a
perception back then that my family unit would be there for me every step of the way and no matter what I did they would always Remain so. At that
point reality and perception parted ways. I had to wake up and relies I was the the reason my family became this way. Now my wife is gone 90% of the
time staying away for days on end so she does not have to deal with my sons action and in the early time my actions. My ideas of survival and my
reason for prepping became mute. I had based my whole life on a false idea. An idea that I would have my family no matter my actions. They were the
reason why I did what I did no matter what. I would have a job always. Now nobody will hire me because of the seizures. For the first time in my
life I am alone. I wake up do the house work then sit and veg all day alone with my thought. Trapped in my own head by doubt and self loathing.
For so long now I have done nothing to prep. My sit X stash has dwindled away to nothing. I quite hunting and shooting. We lost our house and had
to do the rental game. We went from making about $8000.00 a month to $1000.00. I can no longer legally drive. The track that I raced at banned me
as a competitor. I lost all ways of blowing off steam. sitting around all day feeling sorry for myself, Of late I have begun to change again.

I am waking up some and relies I broke it but I alone can not fix it. I may never get my son or wife and daughter back but I can try. I must start
with me. Changing Me back to a good person and treating them with respect and love no matter there actions. I can not survive and have no want to
survive with out my family. My family will not come back unless The one who breaks it does actions to fix it. Actions such as fighting the
depression and over whelming feeling. Treat them as I would have them treat me. They still may never come back. If they don't at least I can go to
my grave fight with love and politeness and the knowledge that I did try very hard to get them back. Its hard for me to be out of work and I realize
that I thought I alone could be the provider for my family, I was the job. Now I know I am not the job. What I did in the past Was not me it was
just a job and my self image should not be dependent on it.

I tell you all this so you may take from it the knowledge that even in non SHTF situations your world can be changed in a instant. Its a new kind of
survival one that you must be prepared for. Not only can life change it will. Your ideas of SIT X Will change. the littlest thing become huge.
This is mental prepping. Yes your cache of food and water is important but more important is your mental prepping. The knowledge that all will
change. Just don't base yourself on silly little things like a job. Base your prepping on the idea that not only can things change they will
change. Most likely you will not like the changes but if you prep in your mind with the idea that things will change for the worst you will be twice
as prepared. Ride the bad times with a smile and politeness with the ones you love. If you do not treat them right why should you expect them to
stay.

Change your mental attitude to positive when you life goes down hill towards the jagged razor sharp rocks below. Watch for hints from you loved ones.
My wife made lots of hints ware our relationship was heading but I did not see them. Know that all you base your life on can be taken away, because
of your actions alone. Do not base your own self worth on a silly little thing like a job. If your feeling over whelmed seek help before you become
depressed. Know that the idea of you alone are the means of your family's survival is false. as a family there are others who will help if treated
with respect and love. Love yourself for who you are and the world may not give a darn about you but your family does. If you treat them right they
treat you right and that is the secret to survival. You can not survive alone because you are not the only one who matters in this world. You can
not think as thow you are. If you do nobody will stand beside you to fight the fight of life. Improvise adapt and over come. learn from the
mistakes of others so you do not repeat them in your own life. If we want to beat the powers that be we must be positive. Life as I see it now.
Hopefully my views on life will help somebody or many somebody's. I will be satisfied if my personal hell posted here for the world to read helps
just one person to relies that a positive mental attitude is essential to survival.

While we do not suffer your medical issues (some, just not as bad), my husband and I both lost our jobs two years ago. It is really hard to have life
slap you in the face but you still have to fight.

I started my own job when I couldn't find one. Perhaps there is something you can do from home, on the computer maybe.

I don't mean this be ugly, its just my opinion. If your family truly cared, they would have fought for you during the bad times. That's what
marriage is - for better or worse. My husband is fighting depression now even though he won't say it out loud.

We are both over 50 and that makes it even harder to find a job. He, like you, feels he should be the provider and it eats him alive that right now
he isn't.

I won't, however, give up on him or our marriage. I will fight to the bitter end.

The way I treated my family is the reason they abandoned me and our way of life. I would have done the same thing If I had been treated the way I
treated them for as long as I did. While my wife says she is not "In love" with me she also says she still cares as for my son I was his hero and
when you see the chink in the armor of your hero it cause disillusion and for a teenager disillusion leads to bad things. I alone stand up and admit
freely I was the one who destroyed my family. That knowledge alone brings shame and anger. I am using that knowledge as a way of spurring me on and
changing me back to a nice positive person.

I can do only two things. I am deadly accurate with a gun. While great in military and hunting it doesn't help in daily non SHTF situation. I also
do CNC and G-coding. While I could do that at home it cost a fortune for the equipment to do so. no equipment no need for coding. I wish you luck
and positive thoughts to you while going threw what you are. and thank you dearly for your advise.

Thank you for the consideration, and I am sorry for your struggles... I firmly believe in mental sparring, but not only the typical "sparring" as in
just fighting... I think it is wise to really put yourself in "worse case scenarios" and try to vision it, live it, so you can have some bearings
when that possible situation arises. I am not so naive to believe that it will make all the bad "easy" to get through, but it may aid in
acknowledging the reality that we don't have control of anything, and that if you can place yourself in an understanding of that fact it will help
you through the tough times, and make the good times even more appreciable.

Having a faith in God, and Jesus, has personally helped me thru my struggles. May God bless you and your family, and use these trials as a way to
bring you closer to Him.

What worries me angryamerican is how you began to have seizures?
I am wondering if the reality of a SHTF scenario actually took a toll on your brain...
Worrying too much about it, inducing more than average stresses, etc.
Or if it was an underlying medical issue.

Either way I have the utmost respect for you and your family.
I see the trials of life destroy the best of families in today's age.
It seems that once you think you're in control, that's when you lose it.
So keep fighting the good fight.

I'm glad to read you are looking at life a little differently now.
Seeing so many people lose their well-being from a loss of income has changed me.
And I am thankful for all the stories that have influenced me to this day.

Prayers and thoughts go toward you and your family.
I hope you can straighten things out.

I do understand that and was not putting you or your family down in anyway. I also know about the bad treatment. One of the issues I deal with is
how he treats me at his worst stage.

Unfortunately, sometimes he drinks too much and that is when I get the worst of it.

I've thought many times on whether or not its worth it when I keep catching that abuse. None physical though just verbal. He never remembers it.
Otherwise he is the sweetest most loving person I've ever met and a far cry better than my first husband.

What are your hobbies? Maybe you could turn one of those into a job opportunity. I know this wouldn't fit you but I actually turned something I
hate to do at home into a job opportunity. Not so bad to do if you get paid for it - cleaning. I also do catering.

Do you have any ideas for new inventions? We have a friend that came up with an idea to help a/c units run cooler in the Texas summers. He hasn't
done anything with it and I think its a great idea that could make money if he would put some effort into it.

Perhaps there is something that you've done around the house to improve the operation of something that you could turn into a profit.

Don't give up on these things. When you are alone with your thoughts, direct those thoughts to what you can do instead of what's been done. You
already realize what you need to do to change yourself back for the better so focus your thoughts on how you can be creative and make money at it.

All the best to you and as others have said, trust in God and he will lead you through it. If you know the Prayer of Jebez (sp?) pray it everyday.
It does work.

Well I think this may be my first post in a year or more but i was very moved by your story . There is just something about pure honesty that draws me
in and your post has that in spades. I wish i could buy you a drink and let you vent even more but this forum will probably have to do . ~~~ Know
this . You have just changed your entire life .. almost like peeling off a layer that you will know longer need and has been holding you back from
your true self. A layer of yourself that you needed until the time you hit send on your post . I don't know if you will get your wife back (or even
if you should) but now you will actually have a chance because all of the intelligence that you obviously posses by being able to write so beautifully
will now be focused on things that will progress you forward in this life and beyond. There are no coincidences and everything happens for a reason
(cliche yes but so damn true!!) . In fact, the second that you changed you began to draw an entirely different type of energy to yourself and you are
going to see immediate results ..I mean like today, tomorrow , Right now! . When you have the opportunity to be around your family from here on out
that focus you now have and the direction you'll now take every step of your life will begin to draw them back in . If it doesn't then you
shouldn't concern yourself with it because of all the great things you have yet to do and are now on your way to doing will soothe your soul
irregardless of family matters. I've seen this happen before in people all too similar to yourself with a story that mirrors your own and I have seen
amazing results and transformations that were permanent and the originally afflicted became an absolute beacon of light for so many others. This
light becomes the energy needed to power through the daily grind to do greater and greater things. First you will gain your pride back because you
will know that you have the correct purpose powering your actions and as this happens confidence follows (any woman will tell you that confidence is
one of the most attractive qualities in men and vice/versa)..then the qualities in you that are attractive to those you love most will reemerge and
then you will find that little by little they will inch their way back into your lives through the natural attractions that family and/or lovers tend
to have with each other to see if the change is real in you. When they realize that it in fact is I believe they will get behind you and whether in a
love relationship or something else once again you will be allied with them for this life. As a result of this all of the little gifts that are found
in the simplest of life's daily happenings will re-emerge for you. (For an action a reaction) and now instead of a negative reaction powered by
negative thoughts your are going to find positive reaction to positive thoughts and actions. Better health should be another benefit .. now that you
have removed much of the blockage that has been holding you back on so many levels. Anyways ......Congratulations on your new perspective and i look
forward to hearing how this has changed your life for the better. Peace.

What worries me angryamerican is how you began to have seizures?
I am wondering if the reality of a SHTF scenario actually took a toll on your brain...
Worrying too much about it, inducing more than average stresses, etc.
Or if it was an underlying medical issue.

My doctors and I have taken a good long look at my past. According to my neurologist I have been having small seizures my whole life. It is not
epilepsy It has no name so they dubbed it seizure disorder, And stress was the catalyst that brought out the big ones instead of little twitches that
Ive had sense birth On the good side In Michigan I have to go thru 6 months with out a seizure to drive and work again. Another month and a half and
I am free to live out side the house again. We finally found the some meds that work. I am ashamed to say nicotine is part of the equation. Helps
me to calm down. Of course that is not the only thing there is another med that helps more. When I go with out cigarets I still don't majorly seize
but Have very bad twitches. The medicine stopped the major seizures but not the minor. When I started smoking the twitches stopped over night. My
brain waves smoothed out instead of jumping all over.

Either way I have the utmost respect for you and your family.
I see the trials of life destroy the best of families in today's age.
It seems that once you think you're in control, that's when you lose it.
So keep fighting the good fight.

I will keep fighting I have no chioce. I broke it I must fix it or at least try till the day I die. I too have seen our modern times destroy
family's and was always thinking in the back of my mind thank god that will never happen to me. Well not only could it happen it did.

I'm glad to read you are looking at life a little differently now.
Seeing so many people lose their well-being from a loss of income has changed me.
And I am thankful for all the stories that have influenced me to this day.

I could not agree more, Story's of others has helped me to relies I am not the only one. Others have gone ware I am going. They survived and as a
survivalist, I too must not only survive but prosper. More importantly tell others of my new reality so that they may not walk my path so they and
there loved ones will be a strong unit to fight off the bad time together and kick the butt of the SHTF situation.

Prayers and thoughts go toward you and your family.
I hope you can straighten things out.

Thank you very much. I don't know 100% if I can win my family back but I do know if I do nothing I will fail to win them back.

edit on 1-2-2012 by angryamerican because: Typing to fast and forgetting words

Thank you for the courage it took to post such intimate and negative details of your life in recent times. Your description of family and your own
attitudes before things fell apart...well..perhaps you've given me a few things to consider in my own life. I appreciate the fact you took the time
here.. Survival indeed. I think I'll put some thought into what you've said here about the mental side of bad times and keeping priorities. Hmm..
I'm not sure how I'd cope in losing my own family, and your words do hit pretty close in times being a series of crisis the last couple years.

Lost family - check
Lost job and ability to work - check
Always thought family would be together - check
Depression- check
Still alive - check

Just saying you're far from alone in this. I've met dozens of guys here on ATS that have been through similar experiences. The family unit is
breaking down because government, society and the media are pushing for it to happen. 2000-2010 was the great decade of selfishness IMO. So, it
wasn't entirely your fault - people have been given false expectations of what to expect from life and to think of themselves first.
We're easier to subjugate and control when separated from our families.
The biggest difference between you and me is that I went through my separation and divorce 15 years ago. Since then I've remarried, started a new
career and was doing well until I became disabled. I am most fortunate that my wife has a decent job and understands my limitations. As long as I'm
willing to try she's happy.
I think you can find the same happiness I have but it's a long road, I'll tell you that.
Keep up the good fight and if you have time check out some of my survival threads in my signature.

Not the welcome back I expected. When I decided to post my personal problem and hold nothing back, I expected to get flamed

and told that
has nothing to do with survival. I expected to have to defend my self. So far I have only received good positive post full of great advise. In this
day and age as well as in the past for a man to show his weakness is taboo. I believe that a person can only grow and prosper if he/she comes to
grips with there mistakes and if the mistake was huge as mine were have the guts to seek help and not be afraid to talk about. A person can not
expect to survive if they dwell/focus on one thing. That's what I did. If you focus on only that you miss the rest of the picture and and in a
personal survival sit x missing the whole picture can kill you.

I don't mean necessarily heart stops and they bury you death I mean personal death, death of the core you. only in helping others can you get the
wider picture and begin to live and reverse the downward slide into personal oblivion. That is what spurred me on to go ahead swallow my pride and
make the OP. As alcoholics already know being honest with your self and helping others can you fight your way back to a good place. Admit you have
a problem and that is the first step to healing.

While I am not an alcoholic the AA way is great for other things in life too. while I am ashamed of my actions only in helping others can I begin the
healing process. Only in admitting them can I begin helping others. which in turn helps me. I thank you one and all for not judging and welcoming me
back to ATS.

your a survivor, this too shall pass, and then there is bring it, this i say every day, bad back sore feet, bad eyes, yet i go to work. so then you
have different work, you have family where i have non, make it work no matter how bad they might be , they are your family. Money? yea so, you had ,
now have not, been there done that. Your illness this to can be over come, is it diabetic or epileptic? or do you not know, if not see if your state
have some health ins you could apply for , I keep trying, job only offers it to full time employees and the state is closed to enrollment.

Thank you very much for the positive post. As for my hobbies making money my hobbies are too expensive to get set up in. My most enjoyable hobby in
the and the thing that led me to the job I lost was CNC/G-coding. As said in a previous post its too much money to get started on a home/garage
basis. My second most enjoyable hobby is hunting. I cant do that because first there is no money in in my area, and second With out being able to
drive its hard to get to the woods ware the game is. But I do get the point. Another hobby my wife and I still do is making beaded necklaces. While
I have made a little extra cash from this the competition on the net is fierce. I don't have the funds to advertise more then the sites that are
competing with me. Below is one of my designs

I also am a closet gunsmith altering older firearms such as the 303 British and mosin nagont to except M4/AR15 accessories. I alter them in suck a
way so that they can be put back to original condition I do not sportrise. Barrels do not get cut and nothing gets drilled in the old stock or steel
of the gun. I wish I could do that for a living but again the set up cost is prohibitive and the cost of getting legally set up to do it is
ridiculous. So I just do my own weapons.

Once I get back to work however and catch the bills up Any extra cash will be saved for my garage CNC machine. Gotta have money to make money.

This is a great thing for craft shows and fairs. Perhaps there is someone who could you drive you to local ones. Usually the charge to set up a
booth is not very much. If you can theme the necklaces to different type events that would help a great deal.

From experience, motorcycle events usually have vendor booths sort of like an expo. Tailoring the necklaces to the biker crowd would definitely sell.
There are now a lot of what we call RUBs (Rich Urban Bikers) that go to these events and the women in particular are crazy about buying stuff to show
how "biker" they are. Usually all it takes to set up is a table and canopy.

Check your area for motorcycle rallies and see if you can get in as a vendor. The necklace you showed above with a skull or a thorny rose for the
dangle would probably go like hot cakes. Most of the rallies I've worked with around here charge no more than $30 for a vendor booth. Also they are
generally on the weekends so if you do get back to work you could still do it.

You also might meet someone that could get you back towards your beloved career. There are several in our area that are CNC machinists and those
machines have to be programmed.

your a survivor, this too shall pass, and then there is bring it, this i say every day, bad back sore feet, bad eyes, yet i go to
work.

I always did too. then I became a civilian that part of my military life has never left me. I approached my civilian life as I did my military life.
Start at the bottom and work my way up watching for and grabbing the opportunity. In my last job I started as a welding robot assistant. I would
skip lunch and stay on the work floor and taught myself to hand weld. When I felt I was ready I approached my floor supervisor about the welding
test. I passed it in with the 2nd highest score in the shops history. Then one of the guys on the cnc cutting laser crew quit. I once again
approached my floor supervisor about that position. After a week of bugging he relented and gave me a trial position on the laser. My job title was
laser assistant. with in the year the opportunity to learn the programming aspect of the cnc laser opened up. The HR manager was so impressed with
my drive he gave me the position as a programming trainee. Early the next year the laser team lead became our new floor supervisor vacating the
position of laser team lead. The new super put me in the position of laser team lead/programmer. I hand picked my own team and the laser department
productivity increased from 25% to 82% and rising by a percent every quarter. I then trained my assistant and that freed me up to still be team lead
but main job was programming the laser for new jobs. My assistant continued to run the department as I had. We quickly grew to 99% productivity with
100% accuracy. Then I started having seizures. I tried to hide them but it was effecting my programing. I was actually forgetting 5 years of
knowledge. Then I had a bad seizure and that was it for me they had no choice but to let me go. I would have to so no hard feelings.

so then you have different work, you have family where i have non, make it work no matter how bad they might be , they are your family.

Agreed Family is and always will be my defining factor. I may never regain there trust but I must try, and will try as I always have in a determined
military manner.

Money? yea so, you had , now have not, been there done that. Your illness this to can be over come, is it diabetic or epileptic? or do you not
know,/

It is not diabetic or epileptic It is just called a seizure disorder. They say Ive been having small seizures in the form of twitches. which Ive had
all my life. It does get worse with stress and that's what happened. I was stressed at work and that brought on the grand maul seizure. With out
know why I am wired this way they can treat but not cure. So even tho Ive been grand maul free 4 and a half months they could come back. I am
learning to control my reaction to stress and one way is what I am doing here. telling my story to help others and seeking advise in the process. So
long story short no cure it will not pass but It can be controlled.

if not see if your state have some health ins you could apply for , I keep trying, job only offers it to full time employees and the state is
closed to enrollment.

I am on a form of state ins. its called a spin down. Once I hit $500.00 in a month then the insures kicks in and acts as conventional ins. My meds
alone cost $800.00 a month. So Ive quite most of them the seizure med I will not quite. Its really expensive so I sell things to get it. Last month
I sold my race car. This month my race motor and tranny is being sold. month before I sold my hand gun. I am going to write the company who
manufacturer it they had a add on T.V. that said if you need help getting your medication contact us for discount offers. I am on permanent
disability that's ware $1000.00 a month comes from but it doesn't pay the bills. Rent alone eats $500.00 a month and the two meds that I cant live
with out would take up the remainder. So I sell my stuff to get the meds and pay as many bills as I can.

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