Dear Prudence: Here today, pawned tomorrow

Comment

By Emily YoffeSlate

Rockford Register Star

By Emily YoffeSlate

Posted May. 3, 2014 at 10:00 AM

By Emily YoffeSlate

Posted May. 3, 2014 at 10:00 AM

DEAR PRUDENCE: Four years ago my mother-in-law had a stroke and lost the use of her right arm. She felt that she couldn't use much of her jewelry anymore so she gave me a few of her pieces. Although the gesture was sweet, the jewelry was not my taste. I had kept it put away for many years, but finally this past winter, money was a little tight and I decided to sell some of my least favorite. I ended up using the money for groceries so we could have a little extra money for Christmas and a birthday for our youngest child. Just a month or so ago my mother-in-law called me up to asked if she could borrow for the very hoop earrings I sold and my heart sank! I told her the clasp was broken from a one time use and were unusable, and she left it at that. Then a couple of weeks ago she asked my husband if he remembered the heart necklace she gave me, he told her he did, she also asked for that back so she could wear it again. Well, I sold that one too! My husband has no idea I sold these items and I don't think he would say anything about it if I told him. Now I'm hoping she doesn't ask for it again, but I know she will. Do I fess up? - DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: I understand that such a gift could be considered handing down an heirloom, but unless the point is made explicitly that this is something that should be kept in the family, a gift is a gift and people are free to do with a gift as they like. There is also an informal statute of limitation on such things. If your mother-in-law had realized a few months after she had given you the jewelry that she had acted too abruptly and wearing her beloved pieces made her feel better, then surely you would have understood and handed them back. But this is now four years later. So if your mother-in-law is enjoying wearing jewelry again, that's great, but it's not fair at this point to ask for things back. Especially since you don't have them. What you do depends on the kind of relationship you have with her. If it is warm and friendly, you just need to tell her the truth. If it's not so warm and friendly, have your husband be the go-between. It might be easier to hear from him that things are a little tight financially, and you both thought it was fair to turn the jewelry, lovely as it was, into something more immediately useful for the grandchildren — emphasize the grandchildren. - PRUDENCE

DEAR PRUDENCE: I'm currently dating a great successful girl. We are serious and have talked about marriage and kids. Here is the issue. We both have dogs. I have a 7-year-old lab that I have spent a ton of time training and have owned since she was a puppy. My girlfriend has a small mix that is super food aggressive, toward other dogs and, in limited interactions, kids as well. She took food from a 3-year-old at a cafe. So I mentioned that I'm not sure I would trust her dog with a kid, and she said that if she had to get rid of her dog, my dog has to go as well. She won't take the dog to training, let me discipline the dog or even recognize that this is a problem. She has said that once a kid comes along, the dog will bond and everything will be fine. Any advice? - DOG LOVER

Page 2 of 2 - DEAR LOVER: Unless there is a serious allergy situation, which means someone cannot live with a pre-existing pet, my stance is that the pet is part of the package. Her pet is part of her life, and since you two haven't even gotten engaged, you're getting way ahead of things to be worried about how the dogs will bond with your nonexistent children. Nonetheless, there is something disturbing about the dynamic here. There simply are some dogs who are very difficult and almost beyond training — I had one for 10 years. But at least I hired trainers and recognized there were situations that required her to be contained. It's unfortunate your girlfriend doesn't realize her dog has issues. But I also sense something amiss with your desire to "discipline" it. The dog needs comprehensive training. Your occasional discipline will likely just make the dog (and her) hate you. But then the ante gets upped by the discussion of how if her dog isn't safe around a baby, your dog has to be dispatched, too. So at issue here is not what do you do with your dogs, but what do you do with each other. This is a really good opportunity to see how you two address conflict and arrive at compromise. So far, I'm not impressed. - PRUDENCE

Please send your questions for publication to prudence@slate.com. Questions may be edited.