When playing games with love can be a good thing

The creators of the app Kahnoodle definitely think so. The smartphone app has made a name for itself by providing couples with an intimate social network built for two, using a framework that integrates romance with game theory. Each half of the couple receives a digital “love tank” that they have to fill up on a regular basis by doing nice things for their partner. Kahnoodle allows users to send “koupons” that can be redeemed for date nights and sex, therefore reminding them to connect and keep their relationship and “love tanks” full.

Similar to the popular apps like Foursquare, which provide users with perks such as “mayorships” and special discounts when they regularly “check-in” at their favourite businesses, Kahnoodle is part of a growing trend of apps that use game concepts, like point rewards and badges, to engage users in non-game, “real life,” situations. There’s no doubt that “gamification” has proven to be an effective marketing technique, however should we really apply the same strategy to our love lives that we do to seeking out that discount latte?

One thing I learned from my last serious relationship is that love is a give and take. During the six years I was with my ex-boyfriend, our relationship ebbed and flowed. There were times when he needed more from me and vice-versa. Depending on what was going on in our lives, we looked after each other, with the silent knowledge that it would always even out in the end. When we did nice things for each other it wasn’t to gain novel rewards, but because we wanted to see that look on the other person’s face when the surprise was revealed.

Some of our favorite “love tank” fillers included: “I’m taking you out to dinner to that fancy restaurant you’ve always wanted to go to just because” (mine) and “I will watch the entire Lord of the Rings series with you and not fall asleep” (his). I can’t imagine needing an app to remind me to do these things – if anything, my ex and I needed less technology in our lives, not more. In other words, if staying connected to and doing nice things for your partner doesn’t come naturally, what’s the point?

According to Iona Monk, a registered clinical counsellor and founder of Vancouver Couples Counselling, apps like Kahnoodle can be beneficial to some couples. “I think the more ways a couple can connect, which includes ways that are both thoughtful and quick, premeditated and spontaneous, difficult and easy, the better it is for them and for the health and success of the relationship,” she explains.

Although there are definitely benefits to apps like Kahnoodle, what happens when a couple use them to “keep score” in their relationship?

“I think if a couple uses this app as a tit for tat thing, that’s more a commentary on the pre-existing dysfunction of the relationship,” says Monk. The app doesn’t create that, it just reveals what’s already there.”

In other words, when it comes to love, it’s not about who wins or loses, but how you play the game.