Monday, March 2, 2015

You
know how you can be going along in a conversation with a friend or a loved one,
and it all seems to be good, and suddenly, you say something and the
conversation stalls or stops entirely. And you’re thinking "What happened?" You
didn’t say anything insulting or mean, you just voiced your opinion. Or so you
think…

I
had lunch the other day with a dear friend I hadn't seen in a long time. I
travel a lot for work, and she used to. I was bemoaning the tediousness of air
travel - TSA, the delays, crowded conditions and all the rest - and I said how
I would love some day to turn left instead of right when I boarded the plane.
Namely, to saunter into the first class cabin where surely conditions were far better
than in economy, my usual haunt.

My
friend said "You know what I used to do? I'd buy my coach ticket, but then, at
the last minute, right before boarding started, I’d go up to the counter agent
and ask if there were any first class seats still available. And often, they’d
say 'yes!' and I'd only pay an extra $200 instead of $2000 and get to fly
first."

I
immediately retorted with "Oh, that would never happen now. They jam the planes
so full, there's never an available seat to be had."

And
with that, the conversation ended - at least that part of it.

It
was only later that it hit me, I had unwittingly denied my friend's experience
of life. I had flat out slammed my reality in her face, as if hers didn't
matter.

There
are few things worse that we do to our friends and loved ones than make them
feel like they don't matter. We rarely mean to, yet we do it all the time. It
would have been so easy for me to consider her experience in my response: "I
never thought of that. I wonder if it would still work, given the general
overcrowding." I would not have thus denied either her experience or mine. And
there would have been a continuing basis for conversation, had we wished to do
so.

Simply
put, instead of listening competitively "My experience is more right than yours" "I know better than you do about
this," we need to (I need to!) listen to learn.
Listen to those we care about with an ear to "What does this mean to them? How
did they experience it? What about their experience might broaden my
perspective?"

Relationships
are about caring and sharing. What better way to do both than listening to
learn!

About Me

I'm a psychologist, consultant and speaker who has authored over a dozen books, all of which focus on empowering individuals to be happier, healthier and more successful at work, at home and in relationships. The power of appreciation is the theme that runs through all my books, the latest being "Happy Healthy...Dead: Happy Healthy…Dead: Why What You Think You Know About Aging Is Wrong and How To Get It Right.” If you'd like to know more, please visit www.noellenelson.com!
Thank you.