Planning to punch me out? It’ll hurt you more in the wallet than it will me in the kisser, because this state will soon have a hefty surcharge on surliness.

Spreading nasty rumors about me?

The lowdown is that you’ll have to cough up a buck for the official gossip tax.

Wasting time? There’s a stiff levy on loitering.

Napping? If you snooze, you lose — financially.

Messing around on your spouse or significant other? Illicit sex can be taxing — in more ways than one.

That’s the way it’s going to be under my bold and innovative tax-reform plan. You’ll be making a substantial payment to the public coffers every time you engage in bad behavior. This will result not only a state in which a majority of the population is polite, accommodating, faithful, and industrious, but also one in which the substantial minority of angry, adulterous, lazy, and generally unpleasant slobs guarantees that the books will be balanced even in the worst recessions.

Damn. I should have known real tax reform couldn’t be that simple. I just got a letter from the Maine Revenue Service informing me I owe unreasonable-expectations tax.

But even if it’s not possible to tax every sin (that tooth-gnashing sound seems to be coming from Michael Heath of the Maine Family Policy Council), it ought to be within our power to put a heavy financial burden on at least a few of them, beyond the usual scapegoats of liquor and tobacco.
Take, for instance, legislation introduced by Democratic state Representative David Webster of Freeport, which calls for a statewide ban on trans fats. Webster told the Bangor Daily News he believes the tasty-but-unhealthful glop should be outlawed because of its financial impact on the health-care system.

“The fact is that it costs us because of MaineCare,” he said, “it costs us because of high rates of disease in this state, and it costs us as taxpayers.”

Well then, why not make those gourmands who insist on the traditional greasy methods of making French fries, doughnuts, and corn dogs pay for their plebian palates? All it would take is a Maine trans-fat tax to settle their stomachs and the government’s debts.

Republican state Senator Walter Gooley of Farmington wants to legalize fireworks, because this state is running behind the national average for people with only one eye or less than 10 fingers. But there’s also a monetary aspect.

I think he’s underestimating the potential. As a big fan of blowing things up, I’d be more than willing to pay an explosive tax rate to get my hands (so far, with all fingers intact) on some serious rocketry. And imagine what we could make selling this stuff to the North Koreans.

Shaking up the school system Rhode Island education commissioner Deborah Gist’s take-charge style could make a winner of a state that often seems destined to fail. But critics say her free-market approach won’t work.

Call for health-care reform The November 7 passage of health-care reform, the Affordable Health Care for America Act, in the House of Representatives was a very important and exciting moment for everyone who is dedicated to the idea that all Americans need and deserve access to high quality, affordable health care.

Instead of cuts: guts Let’s assume, reader, that you’re concerned about economic and social justice. For those in real need — people who are poor, sick, old, mentally ill, addicted, disabled — you want decent care. You’re concerned, too, about proper funding of schools, community colleges, and university campuses.

Mean everything to nothing My favorite movie-advertising phrase is "based on a true story." Translated into English, it means: "more or less, a big fat lie."

Weapon of choice As amazing as it seems in this age of 24-hour-a-day punditry, there are still issues about which it is permissible not to have an opinion.

Here it comes again Is it possible to tax stupidity? If so, Maine could generate enough revenue to eliminate the income tax, property tax, excise tax, inheritance tax, and sales tax.

Can the Netroots triumph in Rhode island? Stories of State Representative David Segal’s nascent, underdog run for Congress invariably make a nod to the Progressive Change Campaign Committee. And rightly so.

Free and easy With a beach season approaching in which most people will be squeezing quarters till the eagles fart, it's fair enough to ask aloud, "Is this going to be the worst summer ever ?"

SMILING FACES | November 03, 2014 In an attempt to ease the state’s severe cognitive-dissonance shortage, the arbiters of good taste have spent this election season beseeching candidates to practice both civility and sincerity.

REASON HIDDEN | October 24, 2014 Late last year, Michaud publicly acknowledged his homosexuality. The experts were quick to claim it wouldn’t be a big factor in the gubernatorial race.

SOMETHING BORROWED, SOMETHING BLUE | October 16, 2014 Want to save the taxpayers of Maine over $60 million? It’s so simple even somebody with no political skills at all can do it.