Sunday, August 22, 2010

I have too much going on right now to worry about affection. I've been duking it out with Financial Aid, haven't packed a darn thing, and still require books. But I am distracted. The one aspect of my life that could be neglected is plaguing my mind, constantly. My hope for this post is to try to map out the jumbled mess in my head, and hopefully get satisfaction from at least going through the motions of being transparent and honest to an audience. As a warning, this will just be a slew of incoherent, raw whining. This is mainly for me, and possibly the entertainment of whoever might read this. Pardon the typos and grammatical errors...

Historically speaking, I am not the most romantic person. Any boy that has held the position of "boyfriend" in my life has at most been a glorified friend. (That I make-out with). I always anticipated the relationship ending, and never got too bent out of shape over it. (But to be fair, this is in retrospect, and I could possibly have forgotten that I was devastated). I have remained friendly with almost anyone I have shared myself with, on any level. And honestly, I take a lot of pride in that fact. It's easy to part ways with someone and remain amicable with them when you didn't really take any emotional risk.

Enter Dominic. Dominic was/is, on the surface, everything my parents would describe as an acceptable partner, and everything I spent the majority of my adolescence avoiding. He was well-spoken, well-dressed, well-mannered, and attended church. He also possessed a sense of humor similar to my own, was outdoorsy, humble, enthusiastic about everything in Life, patient, and reminded me of everything that was comforting from my childhood. (Even some aspects that are a little destructive). He was the perfect storm for my own personal heartache. When I was with him, I could be as sloppy, silly, boring, moody, and stupid as I wanted to be. My triumphs and happiness in Life was multiplied with his presence. I wasn't afraid to share anything and everything with him. The only problem was that in the two years I was with him, I don't think he ever really wanted to evolve with me, but rather mold me into something else. (Does that make sense???). When we finally parted ways, I never have felt so foolish in my life. It was like that "LOVE THING" that movies/music/books glorify was just a big practical joke on me, and I was emotionally punched in the face.

Please don't get it twisted: all of that was not written to gain sympathy. I understand almost everyone has to have this happen to them once, at least. I am no one special. But right now, I DON'T LIKE IT.

Months have gone by, and I can honestly say I hardly think about him. It sort of worries me that someone I once claimed I was ready to spend the rest of my mortal days with could disappear from my consciousness so easily. Am I really that heartless? Or just really good at self-preservation?

What's even MORE CRAZY is when I started developing affection for someone else. I didn't compare him to Dominic, because GOD WILLING, he WON'T be Dominic. Our dynamic CAN'T play out the same way. That time has passed. I constantly go back and forth on whether or not this is a good idea. I'm not sure if this is just misguided affection out of loneliness, lust, or a genuine connection. I'm insanely paranoid if even the suggesting to pursue anything would be unfair to him, me, or the both of us. But I guess I really, really want to.

I have admittedly been vague with him, and ultimately unfair. Out of exhaustion and fear residual from my break-up with Dominic. God bless him, he still wants to at least communicate with me. I'm finally ready to give this, "Us" a serious try. Because no matter how infuriated he, the situation, my feelings for him make me, I'm still incredibly diggin' him/it. Unfortunately, he has in turn become vague and cautious with him. Rightfully so, but I hate when I feel like I have no control over a situation. Or at least can clearly see the possible outcomes.

The most unfair part about this "dating garbage" is that you can never foresee anything. You have to just jump in. And I'm a wuss.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

As predicted, I did INDEED became complacent with my blog. I'm OK with that. I started reading through my posts for class, and am horribly embarrassed by the spelling and grammatical errors. (Although, if I recall correctly, I still ACED the class). I could remove them, but I like to look back on my writing and reassure myself that I am improving. Hopefully my posts this time around will become more articulate, and have an easier time expressing my ideas... Anywho! "Lonely Hearts Season". I think I've declared every season this year that. Everyone around me has been struck with "Noah's Arc" fever; desperate to find a counter part. And I sort of feel caught in the crossfire. Whether it's being on the phone with a recently broken heart 'til the early morning hours, or the misguided object of lust for an especially lonesome fellow. What makes it all a lot funnier is that my two year-long relationship has recently met its demise. (Someone told me it had something to do with Mercury and where it's aligned... I think it's just because he couldn't pick up a phone). I can't be too much help in the relationship department. I don't feel qualified to offer advice, or good company for even temporary companionship. Folks are just going CRAZY! All everyone wants to talk about is how they're alone, and what they're course of action is to rectify the situation. It's hard to stay interested when I'm pretty determined to be on my own, and be OK with it. I honestly don't see the point. It's a lot of unnecessary stress. My equivalent to all of this I suppose is just missing those who have been in my life. Being home and not very social has given me a lot of time to reflect on the last couple years. I have determined several things in the relationship/friendship department:1) More often than not, people get bored with me. At some point, I stop being an amusing caricature, and reveal myself to be just another human. I watch TV, eat food that's bad for me, and sometimes just don't feel like having "intellectual discussions". And SOMETIMES, I can't always be clever and LOUD. This disappoints a lot of people I meet, I guess. They evaporate from my life. Soon followed by my heart cracking.2) The people I end up missing the most are the ones I've managed to always keep at arm's length. I know that I've idealized them to the point that the version of them that I think I know doesn't really exist. I am conscience of all of this, and it's OK with me. I reminisce and miss of their memory that can never disappoint me, and I'll always have a fondness for them, and pray to God that we don't ever actually meet. 3) I'm absolutely terrified to get to know someone. It's a combination of both "one" and "two". The way I disappoint people, I don't want to in turn be disappointed. And I want to always like them. 4) I can like just about anyone. And I can also alienate just about anyone. This is all done on a whim. If I were honest with myself, I'd admit I'm just as lonely as everyone else, just maybe in a different. It's equally pathetic. But I still haven't cried over the break-up. It's been about a month.None of this makes sense! But, as I've declared many times before, it's Lonely Hearts Season. I can be as illogical and self-involved as I damn well please. Especially since I am using a blog as the medium to express all of this. Blogs are fueled by self-importance. Thank you for reading, if anyone is : )

Thursday, January 7, 2010

So, I was sitting around the house, trapped in my own head, and my thoughts went back to freshman year at Keene State. I remembered this ridiculous class I took on blogging. The course description presented it as a class focused on gender roles. They lied... Instead, I read a TEXTBOOK on the Internet and its progression over the last decade or so. Horribly disappointed, initially. But I liked my professor, and really enjoyed the people that were (tricked as well?) in the class.

I used to keep a blog, or "online journal", when I was in middle school. Self-involvement was alllll the rage. I neglected it, and was upset when I realized that I probably wouldn't be able to archive my writings during my most angst-ridden years. (Perhaps it is better off that way). Undoubtedly history will repeat itself, and I will lose gusto for this in a matter of months. Oh well...

Very often, I get lost in my own thoughts to the point that I question my own sanity. I debate ideas and essentially converse with myself in my head. So hopefully by typing out said thoughts, I'll actually be able to progress as a human, and escape this mental imprisonment.