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Ask the HoeMo #1: Queer Sexuality

So, I’ve decided to try something different with my blog, by taking questions from followers and answering them, here. Doing this for a few reasons:

Making my online presence more interactive, as a lot of the time, I feel like I’m just talking at people.

Letting followers drive more of the content, which can keep things interesting and fresh

Gives me something to do during dry phases where I may not have particular things in mind to expand on beyond a brief Facebook post or Twitter thread.

And the first topic I’m starting with is something easy: SEXUALITY. Particularly, sexuality that centers around Queer men, mainly because it’s something easy and innate for me (where I’ve done the bulk of my critical observation and personal theories and analysis throughout my 20’s). And in addition to the 3 objectives above, I also wanted to use this as a way to outline one of my goals for my work in 2017, where I expand my blog into more of a sex-positive space. So, here we are, today!

And without further ado…

How do you think mainstream America would react if a queer male singer or rapper was overtly sexual in their music? – @WakandanMikey

I’d imagine how they currently react to cishet female artists being overly sexual…except, in this case, you could add in a lot more women and/or Black folks to the equation. But honestly, if we’re talking purely about Queer men or other masculine-identified folks, I don’t know…I can’t even picture in my head a scenario where a Queer man could be overtly sexual and have it be embraced by a mainstream audience. At least with women’s sexuality, it’s consumable for the male gaze. So, as fucked up as that may be, it does get a certain amount of room to be viable. I can’t even see mainstream ‘Murica recognizing Queer male sexuality (that isn’t respectable) for them to fashion a reaction…double it for Queer, Black men. Some of us have discussed how, even with a wildly-successful film like Moonlight, the fact that Chiron and Kevin were played by heterosexual actors, who displayed very limited affection is likely a factor in said success. ‘Murica doesn’t know how to process our sexuality…

…but honestly, I’m not sure I want us to have that kind of visibility. I think a certain amount of freedom comes with living in the margins that we’d find ourselves losing if we move to the center of, what’s ultimately, still a white supremacist, patriarchal world.

Why are gay men so opposed to being remotely critical of condoms/condom first or only messaging when we know most of them aren’t using condoms all the time anyways, per research? – @westmigay

This one is kinda complicated because I think a few factors go into it. First thing that comes to mind is respectability politics…then sex-shaming (particularly, Queer sex-shaming). One of many remnants of the AIDS crisis is Gay/Queer men have seen our sexuality more heavily shamed and policed (relates back to the first question). Another part of it is fear. We’ve seen the devastating effects that AIDS had on our communities and it’s put us in a place where we’re scared of our own sexuality. This all made us ripe for the picking to be susceptible to internalizing heteronormative narratives around what “proper” sexuality is, for us. An image of recklessness or toxicity has been put on people who openly acknowledge their preference for no condoms and a lot of Gay men know they don’t want that perception for themselves. So now we see a world where common practice is to select “Safe Sex Only” in your Adam4Adam profile, only for condoms to not even be mentioned when it comes time to do the do (may or may not be speaking from my own experience).

Another issue is the science around HIV/AIDS, which shows viable alternatives to condoms, is still relatively new and/or slow to be adopted. It hasn’t yet sunk in that there are more effective methods for HIV prevention. Sex-ed has long been virtually non-existent for men who have sex with men, and old habits die hard.

My question for you is when did you first realize that black people were not easily accepted in the LGBT community? Thank you! – Richelle

I first realized we weren’t as sought-after sexually late in college. Granted, I’d say this was actually a late arrival, in hindsight. I went to college in a small town, where there was no real Gay scene to even dive into to find this out. I just eventually put two-and-two together after enough micro-aggressions, and a few “No Blacks” online profiles too many. As far as the actual LGBTQ community, I caught onto our lack of general acceptance, almost immediately upon moving to San Antonio, where there’s an actual “scene” to get into. So yea, in total, about 8 or so years of experience and/or observation.

I identify as queer. I am a cisgender woman and I present as straight (married with kids, the whole thing), but nobody else knows this about me. It’s depressing (literally), but I risk losing EVERYTHING by coming out. Is it possible to reconcile knowing that I’m queer with the fact that no one else knowing that I am? I feel like a coward, but I’m already in a monogamous relationship, so it wouldn’t matter. Can I find peace in the closet? – Anonymous

I’ve seen this a lot, unfortunately (although, usually with men). I’ve known them, either post-marriage or in the process of splitting up and it’s never a fun experience. I also know of Queer people in marriages with the opposite sex where they’re out and there’s no issues. Ultimately, any scenario I could paint would lead to urging you to come out. Hopefully, in your situation, since you’re already in a monogamous and (hopefully) loving relationship with your spouse, it wouldn’t make much difference, but it’s definitely a gamble. I’d recommend doing whatever you need to do to get all your ducks in a row to be prepared for a worst-case-scenario before saying anything, but you absolutely should come out, for your own sake. For however hard it would be to come out, in the long run, it’ll be 10x better than living in the closet. Of all the people I know who’ve been through a worst-case scenario, none of them regret coming out. Even if you’re not acting on same-sex attractions, being able actually affirm your whole identity makes a huge difference.

Do it at your own pace when you feel like you’re ready and don’t rush into it, but absolutely do it. Best of luck to you!

(SN: My answer is very “outside-looking-in,” as I’ve never done the closeted life well…if there’s anyone who’s lived this experience and has some wisdom to offer, please share in the comments!)

And now to wrap up with a “fun” question…hehe

So, I’ve had a few fantasies and such about double anal penetration by now, and while intrigued i am also pretty scared. I guess the bigger questions would be, if it is “safe”. So i guess two dicks wrapped in condom rubbing against each other could make them break? Also, I don’t know how safe it would be for one’s own rectum, so idk about that. I guess it’s a little pornstar sex (which is unrealistic anyway). So, I would be curious if you have made experiences with double anal, what your opinion on it is? Can I trust the “hype” or is it just silly, driven by the assumption that two dicks _must_ be bigger than one? – Nik

I actually don’t have a ton of experience with DP (more of a spit-roast kinda bottom, myself), but I’ve done it a few times. It can be a bit of a challenge, but it’s definitely fun to try. As far as it being safe for the rectum, it’s actually no different than one penis or anything else our creative, dirty minds might entertain shoving up there. Like with anything else concerning anal, it comes down to adequate lubrication, going at a pace that’s comfortable and not rushing it, and just, plain having the will to do it. Definitely not limited to porn stars, though. lol

As far as the condom issue, I do believe that this isn’t the most condom-friendly activity, so yea…could be a potential showstopper, but I don’t know…might just have to do more research on it to make sure. :-\ I think, with condoms, it’s a matter of using extra lube (even more so if you prefer water-based) and regularly checking to make sure they haven’t broken. Another alternative you could consider that might be more conducive to DP is the internal condom (a.k.a. the “female” condom). Feel free to send me an update…curious to know how it goes if you decide to try it!

Thanks to everyone who sent me questions…definitely looking to make this into a regular thing, so feel free to send questions and I’ll likely continue churning these posts out at my own leisure. Additionally, if you’re following me on social media, I plan on making calls for questions around different topics over time. So be on the lookout!

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