When I made the mistake of leaving my girlfriend I suffered all sorts of pains. There were the emotional pains, like anxiety and self criticism. And there were the physiological pains. I had pains in my chest and became ill from worrying so much that I would never get back with my girlfriend.

It was very difficult for me to let go of painful emotions that were in my mind at that time.

How Mindfulness Helps Neurotics Change

It was once thought that people with high degree of neuroticism couldn’t change.

But scientists are now learning that there are paths to change, and that one way to change is through mindfulness.

Drake and colleagues investigated how research affects levels of non-specific psychological distress, such as generalised anxiety (and anyone who suffers from that will like our guide Using Mindfulness To Cure Anxiety).

People with high levels of non-specific psychological distress experience emotional suffering and physiological disorders that cannot be labeled as any one singular health problem.

People with high levels of neuroticism struggle to handle challenging events and can react to setbacks in violent ways.

This, I’m glad to say, is something I did not experience (but then, I’ve always been a peace lover, to the extent of repeatedly telling my mother off for swatting flies). People with genuine neuroticism, however, are prone to violent reactions to negative events.

When we do this, we don’t judge our feelings but accept them. This removes us from the negativity and enables us to look at it objectively, in a calm manner. The result is that we are freed from the negative energy and we reconnect with the positive, with the present moment.

A couple of months after my breakup I started practicing mindfulness. In fact I used very many different meditation techniques. Those techniques helped me to observe my mind in a clear, conscious and objective way. The result was that I was actually able to see what was happening in my own mind, and once I could see what was happening, I was able to control what was happening.

As the famous Buddhist quote says:

“You are what observes, not what you observe”.

With mindfulness we observe the mind, and this gives us control over our emotions.

When I was going through my breakup, I kept thinking that I was worthless, that I was a bad person. And because I was consumed by these thoughts and emotions, they took over. But when I practiced mindfulness, I stepped back away from my emotions and was able to say “that’s just a thought / emotion. It isn’t me.”

When we practice mindfulness we step back, outside of our emotions, so that we can see clearly. This makes us calmer and gentler both on ourselves and on others.

Some people are naturally more mindful than others, says Drake. But mindfulness can also be learned.

When the researchers gave participants mindfulness exercises they observed a decrease in reactivity and an increase in calmness.

This research proves that we are not stuck as the person we were born as. We are able to change. And mindfulness is one of the most powerful tools for change.

The researchers suggest that anyone who is highly neurotic or prone to self criticism start practicing mindfulness right away.

5. Accept your negative emotions and learn from them

Negative emotions teach us important life lessons. Here’s how to learn from them.

6. Allow yourself to relax while experiencing that negative emotion

When you experience a negative emotion, breathe deep.

This one deep breath is an opportunity to calm your mind. Tell yourself “This negative emotion is natural. When I understand it, I will conquer it”.

Take a second deep breath. Let your body relax. Inhale deeply. Let that energy flow freely into your body. Then breathe out softly and smoothly. Relax.

7. Accept the negative, and understand that it is a healthy part of your natural being

Negative emotions are natural. As the rains that fall to nourish the land, your negative emotions must be released to nourish your mind and soul.

When you try to force negativity out, you actually let negativity deeper in. It’s a paradox.

To be a healthy whole, you must accept the whole. You cannot only accept the parts of you that you like. That forces your mind to split in two. Only by accepting the fullness of your existence can you become a healthy, unified whole.

Negativity will never vanish. It is always there. And that’s good. Because your negative emotions offer insight into your own mind.

8. Learn from the negative emotion

You have taken three deep breaths. You’ve meditate on those breaths. And you have relaxed.

Your mind is calm and open. You are receptive to the fullness of your existence.

Now is the time to awaken to the message your negative emotion is sending.

Take in one deep breath. Tell yourself, “I am receiving the message my spirit is sending.”

9. Listen with curiosity

Most emotions exist as a bridge. The bridge is the gap between where you are now and where you think you should be.

Negative emotions tell us two things. They tell us where we are in comparison where we thought we would be. And they tell us where we will be later compared to where we should be later.

Negativity represents a division between mind and reality.

Is we thought we’d be a million by age 30, and we’re actually struggling to pay off a loan, the mind creates negative emotions, saying “I am not where I said I would be.”

Negative emotions also inform us of where we are heading compared to where we want to be heading. “I want to become famous, but at this rate I’ll end up being nobody.”

In both those instances you have where you would like to be (now or late) and where you are OR where you will be.

With mindfulness we gain control of the mind. We stop being the observed, and become the observer. This can make a world of difference in times of personal crisis. It’s like we’re stepping out of the frantic tides of emotions, and sitting calmly on the shore to observe what’s happening.

With mindfulness I found my happiness once again. I reconnected with good me. I fought hard to become the person I needed to be and to beat depression. And I succeeded. I became stronger, the type of guy my girlfriend deserved.

We got back together a month later. We’ve now been together for nine years.

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Paul Harrison is a meditation teacher, author and journalist based in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. Paul has helped thousands of people to discover their true potential. Don’t miss Paul’s inspirational and enlightening book Journey To The Buddha Within You.