Fact: It’s been two weeks since I’ve posted on here.Fact: At least 12 people have emailed me and asked me to post more often.Fact: Those people don’t listen to me or else they’d know I am currently on an eating, drinking, talking shit and acting like a moron tour of the midwest.Fact: When one is on an eating, drinking, talking shit and acting like a moron tour of the midwest, it is hard to find the time to blog.Fact: I do find time, however, to get Tweety and Facebooky so maybe if you whiners would join my BRAND SPANKING NEW Facebook fan page or follow me on The Twitter you would get your daily dose of my weirdness and not be so bitchy about me not blogging.Fact: I feel mega-douchey having a “Fan” page and find it slightly embarrassing, but it was the best way to handle all my friend requests in a way that would make my family stop worrying about me letting strangers into my life. Yeah. Like reading this blog in which I talk about my poop schedule and my period doesn’t let you into my life. But whatever.

I decided that on this vacation I would get the final bit of plankiness out of my system. Don’t get me wrong…I love planking. How could I not love something so stupid and pointless that makes people laugh and stare? HOW COULD I NOT?? Sure, some people don’t understand “the point” of planking, but those people need to get the big splintery sticks outta their butts, have a beer, and get laid. Cuz ya know what? There is absolutely no point in planking. And that’s what makes it so awesome. Word.

So I started my retirement tour with a plank that makes me so happy I can hardly stand myself.

For this plank I went to the home of my childhood friend John Williams and his wife Anita (you can read a bit about John here). John and Anita were away for the weekend but on the way to my friend Crystal’s house I noticed that there was a car in the driveway so I went to investigate. It seems that Anita’s lovely daughter was home and I convinced her with my hypnotic charm and abilities as a teenager whisperer, to let me inside although she’d never seen me before in her life. (FYI a few years ago I convinced Anita’s son to let me in as well, and then chastised him on my way out for letting a stranger in the house.) Anyways…once inside I began to look for something to plank and it was decided that I would plank the fireplace hearth, photograph it, develop it into an 8×10, then have it matted and framed. I asked Anita’s daughter if I brought the finished product back, would she be willing to display it on the fireplace mantle? She said “I can put it in front of their wedding photo.” And that’s when I knew she got my whole vibe.

So that’s what happened. And here’s the finished plank:

One of my proudest moments.And it’s worth noting that Anita told me that she also chastised her daughter for letting a stranger in her house and her daughter said she let me in because I was pretty. And that’s worth noting because that is one very smart and perceptive girl, and Anita should be way proud.

Then I went on a planking tour of The Ozarks, during which I planked the following items:

And the final plank that I would like to share with you all, is a plank that is very special to me. It is a plank that was not done by me, but for me, by a very special man who will be even more very special-er when he sends me my beer can helmet and my Koala Bear. It was done by a man who either cares a helluvalot about my happiness, and/or just got tired of me harassing him to do it. Here it is:

That’s Jason O’Mara, you guys. Mr. Terra Nova himself. After much peer pressure and badgering, he sent this to me and April as an engagement gift, with a note that said: “After a long day at work, instead of just getting in the van and going home, this happened.”

My work here is done, you guys.

I have now moved on to something new, and I will share that with you tomorrow…

(P.S. If you haven’t “Liked” Jason’s FB page yet, do it now. After you go like my page, of course. And don’t forget to tell him you’re one of my nutballs.)

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