Coultergeist

30Jul

By Brian M. Howle

You know, some times you hear or read things that simply defy all reasoning, all common sense and everything that your parents, teachers and those with your best interests at heart ever tried to impart on you. And then you listen or read it again, just to make sure you got it right.

But even after rechecking the facts, you’re still stunned when you realize that another human being out there could be so incredibly stupid, or crass, or hateful, or something that one descriptive word just doesn’t seem to fully explain to your satisfaction.

So here I am, a self-avowed wordsmith, and words just don’t seem to cut it when it comes to defining the incredulous shrillness, moronic asininity and wretchedness of GOP pundit and author, Ann Coulter.

Never one to shy away from controversy, the condescending gravitas of Ms. Coulter has long grated on the minds and ears of mere normal mortals in our country; usually, those of the Democrat persuasion.

But now she’s just flat out gone way out of bounds in the realm of socially acceptable behavior, common decency and the uniquely American right of free speech. And this time, even her former Republican supporters are putting distance between themselves and Ms. Coulter.

Congress recently considered legislation that would make it a felony for anyone to picket or demonstrate anywhere near the funeral of an American serviceman or woman. This came about due to the over-the-top stupidity and deeply retarded hate-based philosophy of religious zealots (the particular targeted group are the wacko church members from Kansas) who have recently made a practice of spewing anti-gay rhetoric towards the families of ANY American military personnel who have died in service to their country.

The warped reasoning for these complete wastes of human cells? Because God wants these brave servicemen and women to die, because America condones gay rights.

I think it’s fairly obvious that it isn’t just religious fervor at play here. These people are beyond the pale when it comes to any semblance of what could possibly pass for intelligence or Christian compassion. Their lack of education, understanding, compassion and realization of true Christianity literally make me – and everyone else out there – sick to one’s stomach. It’s a true wonder they can actually find their way to church on Sundays, where they gather and incite each other with their spitting vile and venom in the name of God. I’m sure He is so proud to have them on His team.

Yep, I bet it just absolutely makes His day when they taunt the grieving family and friends with screams of “God is happy your child is dead!” and “The only good faggot is a dead faggot!”

With the exception of these (and a few other) inbred pricks and prickettes, all other normal people in our country just roll their eyes and shake their heads when they hear about this. And, thankfully, that’s the way it should be.

So, it truly stumps me when someone like Ms. Coulter – who apparently has had the benefit of not only basic education, but higher education, as well – dives head-first into the sewer of hate-drenched drivel that is in no way that far removed from the rantings of this particular group of idiots.

And once again – before I go any further, let me reassure the majority of you fine Republicans out there – I’m not blaming you for Annie’s diatribes against humanity as we know it.

I don’t even think that most dyed-in-the-wool, true-believer Conservatives buy into this latest pukefest by this patently biased excuse for a human being.

That being said, you should take note of those who have come to her defense – and remember them on down the road. Because they are not that far removed from the Kansas heretics.

For anyone who missed the abomination Ms. Coulter unleashed last week, allow me to bring you up to speed.

Annie is not just a Republican, or more clearly, a Conservative. She is a vehemently acrid spokesperson for her party who has come under fire before, more or less for making the usual dumbass, partisan remarks and observations that dominate the more “creative” types on that side of the political aisle.

She has authored a couple of books, including “How to Talk to a Liberal (If You Must),” and her latest offering, “Godless (The Church of Liberalism)” – which, in a cunning marketing move, was released on 6-6-06.

For the record, it should be noted that David Lee Roth was also clever enough to release his latest album, “Strummin’ with the Devil” on the same day, utilizing the same pathetic reasoning.

Coulter has made the charge in her latest book, and then expounded on it in a recent Today Show interview with the glib Matt Lauer (as recently defined by that mental giant, Tom Cruise) by claiming that the “9/11 Widows” were happy their husbands died in the attack on the World Trade Center towers.

Of course, the “9/11 Widows,” also known as “The Jersey Girls” by some talk-radio retards, are the widows of men who died when the towers collapsed and their offices plummeted to the ground, vaporizing nearly 3,000 souls instantly.

Annie believes these women have no right to speak out against their government and president in the post-9/11 world. She thinks that their participation in the 9/11 Commission’s hearings, as well as their much-publicized criticism of the Bush administration, are simply political rhetoric unfit for American auditory consumption.

Well, of course you do, Annie! The entire Incompetence Support Group – otherwise known as conservative-leaning talk radio – just revels in demeaning and degrading these women and their kind, because they dare to engage in freedom of speech in a manner that is not steeped in glorious praise of President Bush and all things Republican.

In a TV interview, she called them “witches who acted as if the terrorist attacks happened only to them” and “professional victims.” Perky Ann continued, “these women got paid, they ought to take their money and shut up about it.” (Like whores & prostitutes, Annie?) In her new book she also writes, “…And by the way, how do we know their husbands weren’t planning to divorce these harpies? Now that their shelf life is dwindling, they’d better hurry up and appear in Playboy…”

Wow. What a class act. Conservatives must be prouder than hell to have Ms. Coulter “Stuck on Stupid.”

When the maelstrom of criticism against Ann erupted, she countered by saying that if these women we going to use the deaths of their husbands to criticize the Bush administration, then it was justifiable to go after them in the manner in which she has chosen.

I guess she means that if you speak out against her beliefs, she has the right to make unwarranted and non-factual statements against the character of her opponents to level the playing field. After all, this is a democracy, you know.

Ummm … according to the talk show boys, it’s not a democracy, it’s a republic, where that pesky will of the people is trumped by the will of the elected representatives. I guess the rules get bent to fit the prism of your particular political view.

And in the event some of you have forgotten, you should recall that Ann severed her relations with National Review Online (not exactly the “Drive-By Media,” eh, Rush?) on October 3, 2001 after spewing similar crap concerning Muslims and an Invade-and-Convert Christian rant.

“Coulter had submitted ‘a long, rambling rant of a response to her critics that was barely coherent.’… Running this ‘piece’ would have been an embarrassment to Ann, and to NRO. Rich Lowry pointed this out to her in an e-mail. She wrote back an angry response, defending herself from the charge that she hates Muslims and wants to convert them at gunpoint.

But this was not the point. It was NEVER the point. The problem with Ann’s first column was its sloppiness of expression and thought. Ann didn’t fail as a person — as all her critics on the Left say — she failed as WRITER, which for us is almost as bad.

Rich wrote her another e-mail, engaging her on this point, and asking her — in more diplomatic terms — to approach the whole controversy not as a PR-hungry, free-swinging pundit on Geraldo, but as a careful writer.

No response.

Instead, she apparently proceeded to run around town bad-mouthing NR and its employees. Then she showed up on TV and, in an attempt to ingratiate herself with fellow martyr Bill Maher, said we were ‘censoring’ her.

By this point, it was clear she wasn’t interested in continuing the relationship.

What publication on earth would continue a relationship with a writer who would refuse to discuss her work with her editors? What publication would continue to publish a writer who attacked it on TV? What publication would continue to publish a writer who lied about it — on TV and to a Washington Post reporter?

And, finally, what CONSERVATIVE publication would continue to publish a writer who doesn’t even know the meaning of the word ‘censorship’?

So let me be clear: We did not ‘fire’ Ann for what she wrote, even though it was poorly written and sloppy. We ended the relationship because she behaved with a total lack of professionalism, friendship, and loyalty.

What’s Ann’s take on all this? Well, she told the Washington Post that she loves it, because she’s gotten lots of great publicity. That pretty much sums Ann up.”

Keep in mind – this is from those who were her friends.

And of course, there were a couple of the talk radio guys who thought Annie’s comments were just brilliant. And, not to disappoint the faithful in their fully flawed flock, one of their defensive rationalizations – in response to the immediate wave of female commentary attacking Coulter’s lack of taste and decency – was that those women on the left who did so “were just jealous of Ann Coulter’s good looks.”

Excuse me? “Ann Coulter’s good looks?”

Hmmm … well, if you think a skeleton with an Adam’s Apple and some skin pulled over it looks good, then so be it. From my perspective, she looks more like a broom with breasts than an attractive woman.

But I gotta tell ya, speaking as a fully heterosexual man, I would unequivocally rather have sex with a broom than with Ann Coulter.

For starters, I know – for a fact – that a broom originated on this earth as an organic, living thing, and therefore actually had a soul at some point in time.

Secondly, a broom is naturally blonde.

Thirdly, a broom has a much softer surface, and far more natural lubrication.

And perhaps most importantly, a broom has a superior purpose on this earth – for sweeping away trash like Ann Coulter and her ilk.

Plus, a broom can’t talk.

You see, Ann, the basic flaw in your idiotic claims against these women – as well as anyone else who dares to disagree with this administration or any other that may follow – is that they actually do have the right to speak out, in any manner they choose. Just like you have the right speak out with your version of whatever twisted interpretation of the truth is in your anorexic-clad world.

Perhaps the boys in the ‘70s band, Grand Funk Railroad, had Annie in mind when they wrote their great ode to overly emaciated women – a catchy little ditty entitled “T.N.U.C.”

Figure that one out in “The Arena of Ideas,” kids.

And I’m not a liberal, so save your crayons.

Yep, Ann is a great role model for your kid, if you want your kid to look like a survivor of Aushwitz without the beaming glow; if you want your kid to smoke like the ashes of 9/11 and cut down their life expectancy, and if you want them to engage in partisan hate-mongering instead of compassionate conservatism or progressive liberalism.

And especially if you want them to be a total bitch.
###The previous article originally appeared in Alternatives NewsMagazine, June 15, 2006.