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Wednesday, October 23, 2013

48 hours to go

I've gotten through the majority of the 10 day wait till my ultrasound by keeping busy, but I have to admit this week is dragging. Late last week I was walking home from work, and I started to worry because the perpetual exhaustion I generally feel had subsided for the day and I almost felt normal. I worried that the respite from this pregnancy symptom meant I was having a miscarriage. And then I reminded myself of two things - first, pregnancy symptoms subside all the time and then come roaring back, as my exhaustion certainly did the next day; and two, if this pregnancy isn't going to work out, it's a foregone conclusion and there's nothing I can do about it. I realize that might not sound like a very comforting thought, but it actually helped me. It reminded me that there's really nothing I can do at this point, and overanalyzing pregnancy symptoms is probably a waste of time.Still, the time is dragging now. The last book in the Divergent trilogy (called Allegiant) came out yesterday, so I started reading that right away and it's been a pretty good distraction. I've been cooking a lot this week. I'm not allowed to read pregnancy-related books right now. So instead I'm focusing on Thanksgiving recipes. Last weekend we went to visit Jeeves' brother and his family in Pennsylvania because it was our nephew, J's, first communion. As usual, it was fun and great to see the kids. J is 8 and A is 5. They are wonderful, loving, energetic kids. And they are fucking exhausting. And loud! So loud! Even my sister-in-law's sisters said to me that they think J and A are the two loudest kids they know. It is common when we spend time with them that we can't sleep past 8:00 in the morning on a Saturday or Sunday because the kids are up and so very loud. And when you stagger downstairs, they want your full attention before you've even had your cup of coffee. Even though I love seeing them, when we do see them, I worry that I have romanticized parenthood. Last year when my oldest nephew, Connor (my sister's kid), came to help me with the preparation for Thanksgiving dinner, I came downstairs early, poured myself a coffee, and then Dad and I sat bleary-eyed at the table while Connor talked and talked and talked. My dad and I are not morning people, we need, like, an hour of quiet to drink our coffee and wake up. My nephew takes after my mom - preternaturally cheerful in the morning and full of things to say. It was very fun to have Connor help me in the kitchen, but that kid talks a lot and he asks a lot of questions. He is 11 after all. My point is this - I love all my nephews. My relationship with them has enriched my life and they are very dear to me. But my nephews, and indeed, all kids, are also exhausting. Parenthood isn't 24-7 fun, it's not easy. I always knew that logically, but it's a little bit realer to me in this moment. My sister-in-law is completely sleep deprived. She's up early to get the kids ready for school, then she either goes to work herself or has about a million chores/errands, then kids are home, homework, dinner, baths, bedtime. As she explained it to me, she stays up far too late at night because after the kids go to sleep and her husband passes out on the couch, it is finally her time to watch TV or play on the computer. That's her only time to herself when no one needs anything from her, and she chooses that over sleep. I came home from the weekend a little scared about the possibility of being a parent, which I know sounds ridiculous coming from an infertile, but I've read many other bloggers have similar musings after spending time with nieces and nephews. I'm trying to look at it thusly - we will be good, hard-working parents, but we will enter this knowing full well that this is going to be challenging. Two more days. I'm really hoping that Friday will give us an answer.

Parenting really is the hardest job. I've been a nanny so long I don't romanticize it much any more, but I do try not to think of the sleep deprivation. That's the thing about nannying—usually I get to give the kid back and get a good night's sleep. I used to do overnights a lot and it was.. Heh. It was different. But you will do wonderfully. If you're not scared, I think you just don't know what you're headed for :)