Saturday, 12 December 2015

So after falling into the same trap, finally, I moved my Facebook app to another less visited space on my smartphone. Thinking of deleting it permanently but then I will need WiFi to re-install in case there's something urgent online [that I need to see]. And to have WiFi, with a speed that permits installations and updates, is a faraway luxury.

Dear tough heart,

No one is comparable to you. You've overcome so many challenges successfully, despite your sometime-sad background. If the person who hold your jealousy were to be in your position, I bet, tough heart, she would've fallen.

Damn who can get two degrees, active in a club awarded as the best, and dang landed on a heart of a guy who is not just nice, but is willing to do (and actually is doing) all that he can to provide the life that is similar to what you're having or better, all in the same year?

Just because you don't share pictures or success moments does not mean you don't have all that in your hands.

Grow up and out of it. They're kids. You were a kid when you were like them, weren't you?

Live your life, one day at a time. Ignore people who make you feel worse. Like flies, they won't be around for long.

OKAYYY move on move onnn

So semester break is comin'!!!What should I dooooo???

Plan is:

1. To finish my writing2. To find a publisher3. To publish4. To learn Japanese5. To finish "Jerusalem" and start a new book6. To work part time as a tuition class teacher7. To have regular work out schedule (just for 1 month tough heart,...plish make it happen this time)8. To relax and enjoy breathingOkay tough heart, make sure you do this all ya!Back to the now...where finals are just a few weeks away with an essay on Kuhn still incomplete...

Friday, 11 December 2015

One fine day during my Thanksgiving one-week break, I was invited to a friend's friend house for my first ever American Thanksgiving dinner. It was in this hilly Indiana outskirt, very serene, very my kampung.

I remember seeing a green chicken egg for the first time. Talk about organic food.

Surprisingly the family did not feel awkward with the presence of 3 Muslims girls. I mean, us, 'moslems' in a strong Christian family's house, aren't you supposed to be in an islamophobic state? Well I guess when you understand religion, you don't have to feel fear for anything but God.

Prior to going to that house, we were at her friend's house. Okay so her friend, is a guy with one wife and I think 5 kids. The house that we had our dinner was his parents' house. So it's like a traditional culture of coming back to kampung to celebrate their 'Raya.'

At his house, we were sat in his cozy living room, getting to know each other. Well, without a cuppa tea it was awkward...but things went well, the couple were friendly, talkative, and very open to sharing their thoughts on religion.

Now it's almost time for dinner, we gotta leave the house by car to his parents', where all family members will gather. Since one car wasn't enough, my friends and I had to choose to ride with the wifey - awkward, because although she is friendly, but her face was tired when we entered her house. It was as if we are an add-on burden to her. Of course, 5 kids, the burden to the in-laws, expectation for an important feast...that hassle of being a full-time mom and still gotta look like angel fresh from heaven...and now, 3 moslem girls?

I was nervous at first in the car. But turned out she is friendly. So we talked and talked, and eventually she revealed her history. She was a top student at her college, graduated with a degree. I bet she perhaps was a summa holder. And she went on to talk about her marriage, starting with meeting her soon-husband on a friend-arranged meet up, riding his bike around town, sound like so much in love. And decide to 'settle down' and be a full-time mom.

I thought, what a waste. She could've been a CEO by now, having an empire of her own, a closet as huge as her house just for shoe racks, and all the Pradas, MKs, and Tag Heuers in the world. She looked like she's in her thirties.

I mentioned to her, when she asked about marriage, that I think marriage is the end to my freedom. I don't want, at least in the near future. Then she said something that have made me ponder till this day. Her words, two years ago, still new and fresh to my ears.

"Marriage is freedom."

HEHZ???

Selepas.Hikhik can't wait.

Semasa.

But really, for friends who got married lately, really you really need to promote your marriage life at public space? I mean I really don't mind if you get all high with your spouse at public, but not in public - Facebook, etc.

I know and truly understand you're happy, finally its halal for you to touch each other, hijab off, baby.

But really?

Some people might have been desperately trying to handle their goal towards a halal relationship. But because of religion and culture (and culture weighs the most, the culprit), these desperate, tortured souls have to hold back for a while.

I know someone who had to wait 12 freakin' years to get married with whom she believe truly her Mister Right. If I were her and not that strong, I would've two PhDs completed. Alhamdulillah she's amazing. And her husband too, for having to hold that manly lust for one girl when he can already got a grandson by then.

Opening Facebook is not to see any of your happy story. Well, of course, I'm happy you're happy. I am jubilant, in fact, because I know someone who at least live a life like another normal human being. I am exuberant to be a friend to yet another human. I am happy I am in the right society.

But really...all I wanted to see on my news feed is current news in my country and the rest of the world, interesting articles with eye-poppin' headlines from the Huff or Buzzfeed. And perhaps some quirky status from genius (read:weird) friends.

Ain't love supposed to be private, intense and intimate? If that is love than I need to find or create a word that represent so.

Some people perhaps have been trying for eons to get just one child. And there you just posted you fifteenth baby. It's sunnah to announce a birth, but proof is not necessary.

I may be sounding like a person with a dark hasad, jealous of everything. But I'm just another person looking at you from a side that you never saw maybe. I did upload several pictures of me in the States, but most of them just to share the beautiful sights. And I know perhaps someone did complain of my actions. But I think I did it moderately, but if I'm not, please tell me and help me to change.

Week 10: Helped prepare presenters list for lecturer. I'm so psyched that I'm gonna be in the first week. Can't wait to get it done. Slides are very beautifully done (minimalist concept with a theme of turquoise)

When you are working, you feel like you wanna be a student again (testimoni dari ramai rakan yang telah bekerja)

And when you're back studying, you feel like you wanna work cuz you just can't stand doing...

1. A 10-page minimum essay on Thomas Kuhn's mind. - Dude, I can't even understand myself now I have to study another person's head?- Actually, I chose Kuhn as my topic.- Cuz every good choices has been taken. Seelowe.

2. An unknown page number of essay on Sustainability- Problem #01: the minimum page requirement is unknown. - Expectation: A paper of several pages.

3. An unknown page number of essay on Japan catching-up process.- Problem #01: I think I know the minimum page requirement but somehow forgotten. I even forget if I have jotted in down...somewhere.

4. A 5-page paper on Taiwan- Problem #01: It's a work for group of twos.- Problem #02: None of us has decided to focus on what.

Apakata. Just stay away from me. If we're lucky, all stars align, then we will meet, and possibly that time, if I am still single - which is possible since...dah kena macam ni 2 kali baik aku membujang terus - and you're braver, bolder, then you may re-ask for my hand.

Sunday, 18 October 2015

OK I might be too young to even spell that word but still. I think I'm having a pre-premenopausal symptom.

Menopause is usually experienced by ladies of age 50 years and above. So, premenopause is probably during the middle to late age of 40s. Hence, a pre-premenopause is probably from...late 30s to early 40s. Arakian, a pre-prepremenopause is undoubtedly, based on my legit calculation here, is early to middle 30s, and a pre-preprepremenopause is...middle to late 20s. Considering I am 23 now so...the title up there should be..."pre-prepreprepremenopausal symptom."

All in all, driving in NYC is not bad at all. The cars are plenty, of
course. But the drivers are fundamentally well-behaved. Traffic jams, if
there is one, will be for a few minutes only. Oklah. Stuck in a traffic
jam pun setakat kat Time Square sebab ramai sangat orang kat situ. Nak
lengang sikit datanglah waktu musim salju atau awal musim salju.

Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Dulu aku selesa je jadi loner. Seldom do I felt lonely - ahh c'mon loners lone rangers dan sewaktu dengannya, sometimes we do feel lonely.Not all people are people-person. Sometimes, actually most of the time, our type like to stay alone. Be with ourselves and our thoughts. Do things we love without having to wait for another person to catch up with our pace, without having to consider whether he or she is bored or not, without anything holding us back from doing what we like. Watch whatever we like, eat whatever we love, buy anything we admire. Go anywhere our heart wants. Infinite freedom. And that is totally OKAY, it is fine. It is you. It is us. Allah did not create one man with one character, one attitude.Some of us maybe extroverts. But, like Superman, most of the time we are in our hiding places. We come out whenever needed, and when we feel ready. Many would think non-people persons are introverts. Though I think it is partly true, some introverts can be very people-attached. Our kind is special. We can be with all, but we have a few close ones. If we choose to be lonely, it would be with these people. Either them, or alone with ourselves. But many people misinterpret that. Thinking, assuming, we like to be alone, and lonely, all the time, forever. Nobody likes to be alone forever. No man is an island.Lately, that feeling is becoming more immense. It bothers me when I am spending most of my time, feeling happy and smiling, with an iPhone. Okay...tengah menangis sambil menaip ni. Dahla lagu Ed Sheeran tengah berputar di playlist YouTube. Great. Why are you so far away? Why are we not together yet? Why can't you understand? Do you feel the same?Why are you so cruel? You made me fall for you bit by bit - and yet again, previous episodes, previous history, are replaying -, but why are you not here, be responsible for what you have done? I know it's not your fault...I know, I understand.You don't have to answer all that. I don't need a word from you.Just your presence. It will answer all. Why am I so weak?God, I hate this weak-me.I should be your backbone, aite?I should be stronger.Honest, I don't like dragging you along into this deep, dark hole.You're a happiness, and should stay that way.

But, then again,whenever I wanna be stronger,the thought of you weakens my heart.I am not simply being poetic here.Cannot be more truthful than I am now....Why are you so far?
Dulu,
Dulula...aku selalu rasa nak tinggal sendiri.
Bebas.

Tuesday, 28 July 2015

Di Buffalo, rindu KK.
Di KK, rindu Buffalo.

Apakah.

Rindu hidup bujang sebenarnya. I mean, not that I am someone's wife, but hidup without parents, without family being too close. I really appreciate my time growing up by myself. I can judge, and truly grow. Kun anta, bak kata pak Arab fofular tu.

Alhamdulillah I earned myself two bachelor's degrees. Graduated with magna cum laude, which was my target. I got myself an Honors regalia. But I am not proud by either of them.

The thing that I am proud the most is being able to have all those, while being able to survive by myself. I am proud that I can install electricity, gas and WiFi connection at my house, while I was alone. Nobody helped my. I cleaned my residence, so that anyone who enters it could feel comfortable. And I had a neighbor who were eased with my presence. I am proud cuz I had overcome all challenges, and still got what I wanted.Alhamdulillah.
Tapi semua tu takkan terjadi kalau takde orang yang paling kurang, tunjukkan kat aku kat mana pejabat elektrik, atau ajar aku macam mana nak guna drier.May Allah reward all those people who taught me life.

Saturday, 25 April 2015

I feel fire upon seeing those names and positions, working, working working for KN.

While listening to Rihanna's Diamonds. Such worldly success. That urge, ecstasy. Drugged, spiked.Sometimes in dilemma, too much of the world where's my peaceful time on that prayer mat? But when all hope is gone what's there left to keep on reaching the top?

Go there faster, walk, run, hop. Whatever it takes, so that I can rest early.

Aku harap seseorang itu terus jadi insan baik yang he is and meant to be. Let me be the devil but then that kinda defeat the purpose of choosing me and defeat my own purpose of wanting to avoid hellfire.

Let me be the bad-ass one anyhue. Deep down I know I'm not perfect. Well you can say that to my face, slap me with reality.Deep down I know that I'm too rigid at times. Just because I am a fan of this one Companion, who was really just and fair in reigning his life. Maybe I admire Saidina Umar too much that I may have missed to see that, apart from his strict nature, he is also a really nice Muslim, and that if I do adore him, I should strive to be nice. Maybe I should start by ... loving a cat? My neighbor has cats so maybe I can start...petting them? With gloves. Many times I failed to follow his footsteps. To stay firm, far away from devil's temptation and deceit. And as much as that, I punished myself by becoming more firm. I guess this is a good time to create a new du'a. If I can enter heaven, I wanna meet him and book a coffee time with him. Have a chat, and before we depart, take a photo with him, let him sign the photo first, the I'll let him go. Haha. Yelahhh kau.Deep down I know I have tarnished your dreams to have this stage of your life perfectly crafted in accordance with the syara'. And as far as I imagined mine would be, you have done the same too. But I'm the bummer here because I should be the strong one. I'm not sure how far can a female be the weakness of a man, I never experimented this notion before. But to stay safe, I'm avoiding the fire here. We hear various love stories. Some had a good start, inviting barakah into the household. Some, well, might be shaky at the beginning. But only Allah knows what those couples have now. We can only assume the good. I know you want that too. I'm doing my best here. We have different backgrounds and expectations. I don't wanna say "I'm sorry" anymore. I do, I am sorry. But sorry alone without actions to remedy the situation is not an absolute apology. Thus I'm sorry. I'll fix everything. I am fixing. Tapi tak bolehlah nak rush into things. Tikus boleh je membaiki labu, if only people don't stress the mouse with time too much. I'm not sure where this is heading. I'm letting the kite to soar free in the sky. Though the string seems strong to me, but I have to prepare if there is a need be for a crash. Tawakkal and living it cool. Yeah. If this is the story that I [or we] shall present to God, then let it be known there I've [we've] done my [our] best to follow His rules.Okay jap...ada satu lawak ni aku yang aku rasa...haha. Entahapehape. Okay I actually have this one thought...yang lelaki semuanya nak bidadari di syurga. I mean, c'mon. If I were a man, of course I would want one. The untouched beauty. Unbeknownst to anyone, just for me. Created just for me. Wah.

So katakanlah lelaki ni berkahwin di dunia. Nanti kat syurga dia boleh ceraikan isteri dunia dia. Haha. Isteri dia pun nak enjoy syurga. Who knows to what degree of handsomeness a guy servant in Jannah could own. Pastu nak gi clubbing kat jannah. Jap...I wonder...say...is there any possibility for me to go to Ed Sheeran's gig di jannah? Aku doakan dia jadi muslim haha. But wait...is there like an angel boy band in heaven? Is there anything like the worldly entertainment in jannah? Hmm...I have to increase my knowledge in this rabbi zidni ilma. As for now, assobrun jamil. Patience is beauty, habibati.

Dan memandangkan semakin aku hampir kepada tarikh graduasi aku, semakin bertimbun kerja, aku set this one goal. Jangan gelak. I bought a pair of shoes when I went to New Haven during Thanksgiving 2014. I bought those shoes in a shoe store near Yale University. Dang it was a really beautiful place. Subhanallah.

Thursday, 12 March 2015

Aku reflex. Eh, okay, betul aku dah berubah. But what's wrong with that? Am I not being better than who I was before? Aku kaget. Risau kalau dikata perangai makin buruk. Of course, humans like to be perceived as nice in the core. And I am human.

Yes, I've changed. Not sure being better or not. What I know is I am satisfied with myself now alhamdulillah. There are still rooms for improvement, but still, I deserve an acknowledgement. That I've gone this far alive, braver, bolder. Ain't no one can kid me around no more. There's a saying that goes "A diamond is a chunk of coal that is made good under pressure.” -Henry Kissinger

Selfish.Let people say you're selfish if you're doing things that benefit you and those things, if you settle 'em, would benefit those people back when they are solved. Selesaikanlah urusan sendiri dulu. Urusan peribadi yang membantu lonjakan paradigma tu. Bila dah selesai, barulah fokus kat urusan-urusan picisan sayur sampingan (lurh...like writing this is my ultimate task right now...but somehow, yes. I need an outlet so here it goes...). Jangan nak menyibuk urusan orang lain, dan paling penting,
don't ever let other people messing up with your flow. Don't ever give
it a chance. Be sturdy in your path. After all, if you screw up, who
shall be with you, cleaning up your mess? Hakikatnya, at one point, semua orang pentingkan diri. So don't fall to deep in trying to be nice with everyone. Be nice, but always be aware. Tuhan sendiri berfirman, jangan sampai kita menzalimi diri.

Don't be afraid or worried of eliminating "junkies" and "useless ornaments" in your life. Junkies: People who not only cease to contribute to the betterment of your life, but also add problemS. Useless ornaments: Passersby in your life. Just there for the sake of "there". Saying I love you when they don't really mean it, just for the sake of being polite (on the side note: seriously, just say the truth or say nothing. Speech is silver but silence is gold). No need to carry them with you since they are of no purpose, just adding to the weight, hence, slowing you down.

Don't be afraid. Because you are not programmed to rely on people, but onto your Creator. Cuz sometimes relying too much (or even, in deserted cases, not even much but at a minimal amount) on some people, will just result in dismay, betrayal and disappointment. Keep your heart strong cuz you don't need no one except for Allah and Allah alone.Back to the main point,...cuz it's your life and who are they to interfere? Go away trespasser!

Lastly, have good thoughts about Allah, always. Yes, sometimes the difficulties that befallen us is a form of kifarah. Sometimes that might not be the case. Sometimes Allah wants to give you reasons to go to heaven. After all, didn't you ask to enter jannah when you recite the famous rabbana atina fiddunya du'a? Then you should be prepared to receive all kinds of challenges in life. No complains. Shut up and get your shit done.

Oh ye, kebelakangan ni aku banyak menggunakan perkataan-perkataan sumpah (read: swear words) dalam tulisan aku. Kadang-kadang kalau sembang dengan very very very good friends pun keluar jugak haha. Shoot. Anyways. It's a part of my change. I see those words as words of truth. I used to despise them. But now, am a fan. Bear with me. I only use them when in need to convey something I strongly feel about.