I know quite a few people who claim to have had success on CollarMe. I am not one of them. There was the guy who had not one punctuation mark in his message. There was the guy who wrote me a semi-decent message, only to write another message 34 minutes later berating me for not answering quickly enough. There were several guys who emailed me orders without asking me a single question first. So, perhaps, it was these terrible messages that made an ok message stand out as really promising.

What I shall call him:Mr. Good on Paper

How he earned the name: I’m either not that creative or a bit lazy, because I like literal nicknames. Although, obviously anyone I decide to meet in person will probably look pretty good on paper, this guy seemed like a particularly good match at first. We were both just looking for some fun. However, looking back, I did miss some things.

We chatted online trying to set up a first (and, little did I know, last) meeting. The first sign of this not working out, we’ll call it a pink flag, was when I mentioned that I wasn’t available that weekend because I was going to a co-ed bachelor-bachelorette party. “Well, THAT’s not going to be any fun! Why would you want to do that?” I told him that I was sure it would be a blast. “But, you can’t have strippers or anything!” At this point, I wasn’t sure whether to question why we couldn’t have strippers or why we couldn’t have fun without strippers.

After explaining that 1) there may or may not be strippers, 2) contrary to his deep-seated belief my group of mixed-gender friends might have male or female strippers and be into it, and 3) it would be a great deal of fun in any case, we set a date for two weekends away.

Flag on the Play: We meet over coffee and he asks what my trip was the prior weekend that caused us to delay meeting. It happened to be Dark Odyssey Leather Retreat 2009. Still in a bit of post-LR glow, I told him a bit about the event. “Basically it’s 4 or 5 days of getting to do almost anything you want.” His response was but a sign of things to come. “You mean the girls can do anything they want. A guy couldn’t just walk up and ask some girl to fuck him.” I explained that guys can, do, and often succeed in asking just that. He seemed to not believe me.

Flag: This is more of a recurring theme over the evening, rather than a single comment. One of the areas we were considering was my pegging him. I’m not at all against it, but when I say maybe later, later does not mean 20 minutes from now.

Red Flag: This is where things become unsalvageable. He asked why I had picked this location for our meeting. I answered truthfully that I had friends near by that I could easily escape to if the meeting had gone poorly (If. Ha!) First, he was stunned. “Where did you tell them you were going?” I explained that they were also pervs and I had told them the truth. I also commented that even if they weren’t, I would have just said I had a date I met online. I realize I’m having to explain things a lot, and I start to feel a bit tired of it. And then… “Oh, well if they’re into this stuff, maybe we could go to their place.” I explain that, no, that won’t happen. They don’t know him, and I barely know him. He made a pouty face that belongs on a five-year old and asked if I was sure. I was sure. A bit later he asked again, and I added that they had a not-yet-two-month-old infant in the house. Mentally, I checked out of the date and wondered if it was just a bad day. When he asked again, (yes, again) I knew this was a no go.

What I learned: There are a lot of people out there who don’t have much (or any) experience with exploring their fantasies in real life. As a result, they’re not entirely convinced that pervy kinksters actually exist. So they doubt you. And if they do believe you, they think you’re the only one in your zip code.

Better luck next time: He was polite and respectful (mostly). He was eager, and that should help him with someone. Just not me. If I were up for training or mentoring someone at the time, it might have worked out. As it was, I was looking for a fuck buddy, not a project, so I wanted someone more ready-to-eat than made from scratch.

About the Author

Amethyst Wonder

Amethyst Wonder was spawned from the mind and libido of a then-32-year-old kinkster and self-proclaimed slut as she surfed the internet looking for kindred spirits. She identifies as a queer, femme, poly-capable, pansexual, switchtastic, geeky pervert of color.