Announcer: [voice-over] Futurama is brought to you by ... [The oval retreats the right side of the screen and is replaced by a man with enormous teeth.] ... Thompson's Teeth: The only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth.

[The man eats a spoonful of teeth from a bowl.]

[Opening Credits. Caption: Bender's Humor by Microsoft Joke.]

[Scene: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff sit around the table and Zoidberg wears a suit.]

Hermes: I will now read the mandatory speech. [He opens a book called "Minimum Obligations Manual".][reading] Dear employee. Has it really been five, 10 or 15 years? If not, please disregard this and get back to work. Distribute token of appreciation and applaud.

[He gives Zoidberg an envelope and claps. Zoidberg opens it and takes out two coupons.]

Zoidberg: Look! Coupons! I can get two oil changes for the price of one! Now if I could only afford the one ... and the car. Ah, the years! So many memories, so many strange fluids gushing out of patients' bodies--

Hermes: Yes, yes. Now here's your pension statement. [He hands Zoidberg a piece of paper. Zoidberg reads it. He has accumulated a grand total of $0.00.] It's empty because you haven't paid into it, you dumb stinkbug!

[Zoidberg wipes away a tear.]

Zoidberg: You kept track of it all these years!

[He hugs Hermes. Fry smacks his head.]

Fry: Oh, no, I'm boned! I haven't paid into the pension either. What'll I do when I retire?

Nixon: [on $1000 bill] Shoot them in the back! Quick! While they're not looking!

[Scene: Famous Original Ray's Superior Court. Fry and Bender are represented by the Hyper-Chicken lawyer. Bender wears a tie and jacket.]

Bailiff: Court is in session. The Honourable Judge Whitey presiding.

Whitey: The charge is bank robbery. Now, my caddie chauffeur informs me that a bank is a place where people put money that isn't properly invested. Therefore, robbing a bank is tantamount to that most heinous of crimes, theft of money.

[He bangs his gavel.]

[Time Lapse. A surveillance camera is in the witness box.]

Hyper-Chicken: As the surveillance camera for the bank what all the judge was a-jawing about, could y'all tell us what you done seen the day of the crime?

Camera: Well, let's see. My memory's a little fuzzy, but it went exactly like this:

[It projects a black and white picture of Fry and Bender taking the money from Roberto. The court gasps.]

Hyper-Chicken: Your Honour, I move that I be disbarred for introducing this evidence against my own clients.

[Time Lapse. Fry is in the witness box.]

Hyper-Chicken: Mr. Fry, do you recognise the robot a-huggin' on you in this here hologram?

Fry: I sure do! That's the real robber and I'll never forget his name as long as I live. And that name is--

[The projection goes off and Fry gasps. He sees a badly-disguised Roberto at the back of the court. He waves his knife at Fry. Fry chokes.]

Whitey: Yes? What? You say if I testify I'll be killed? Oh. It's for you.

[He holds it out to Fry. Fry takes it.]

Roberto: [on phone] ...and the other hamburger will...

[Roberto sits among other people who don't seem to notice he is talking on a phone.]

Roberto: ...also be made of your lungs. So long, pal.

[He hangs up. Fry gulps and leans into the mic.]

Fry: I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be chopped up into a patty.

Whitey: Ah, the 67th Amendment.

[The Hyper-Chicken leans in to Bender.]

Hyper-Chicken: I may be a simple country Hyper-Chicken but I know when we're finger-licked. Whattya say we plead insanity?

Bender: A few months in an insane asylum? I could do that standing on my head.

Hyper-Chicken: If you start now, it might help our case.

[Time Lapse. The Hyper-Chicken pecks and scratches at the floor.]

Whitey: Counselor, what evidence do you offer to support this new plea of insanity?

Hyper-Chicken: Well, for one, they done hired me to represent them.

[Whitey bangs his gavel.]

Whitey: Insanity plea is accepted. Mr. Bender, I hereby commit you to the asylum for criminally insane robots until such time as you are deemed cured.

Bender: Yahoo! The system fails again!

Whitey: And, Mr. Fry, I sentence you to the home for criminally insane humans.

Bailiff: Your Honour, that facility has been full ever since you ruled that being poor is a mental illness.

Whitey: [banging gavel] Order! Order! The only poor people I want to hear about are the people who tend to my pores at the spa. Just send them both to the robot loony bin and let's go.

[Two men wrap Fry and Bender in bubblewrap and one stamps "Defective Electronics" on Fry's forehead. They are put into a cardboard box and it is taped up. The men then "roll" the box out of the room by tipping it onto each side.]

Fry: [from box] Ow! My head! Ow! My feet! Ow! My head! Ow! My feet!

Farnsworth: Keep your chin up!

Fry: [from box] Ow! My chin!

[Scene: Hal Institute For Criminally Insane Robots. Fry, Bender and other robots move through a room along a conveyor belt. Fry taps Bender on the shoulder.]

Fry: I don't belong here, Bender. This is an asylum for insane robots!

Bender: Well, you meet half the qualifications.

[He laughs. The robots move through a door with a sign saying "Physical Exam" over the doorway.]

[A chute sucks his clothes clean off his body leaving him with nothing but his naked, pink skin. He moves along the belt, through the door and screams.]

[Montage: In another room, Bender is picked up by a magnet and taken through the ceiling somewhere. The magnet tries to pick up Fry but just prods him. Fry screams. Later, a drill bit drills through Bender's head as he hums. Fry is next and screams when he sees the drill. The drill goes into his mouth and rotates inside. Next is a gamma ray scan. Bender passes through and we see a bat flying around in his chest cabinet. Fry gets one next. His stomach acid boils.]

Fry: What the--

[He burps.]

Bender: [shouting] I find that offensive!

[Scene: Hal Institute: Dr. Perceptron's Office. Dr. Perceptron, a doctor of Freudian Circuit Analysis has what looks like a cheap plasma ball for a head and a casing that looks like a white coat. He speaks in a robotic voice. Fry falls through a hatch in the ceiling and lands in the floor. He hauls himself up.]

Dr. Perceptron: Greetings. I am Dr. Perceptron. Let me give you something to help you relax.

[He presses a button and Fry gets an electric shock.]

Fry: Look! There's been a terrible mistake. I'm a human being. See? [He lifts up his gown and grabs his belly.] I'm all squishy and flabby. Also, I complain a lot.

Dr. Perceptron: Yes, you do. You need to relax more. [He gives Fry another shock.] Terrific. Now, consider the following: You were admitted to this robot asylum. Therefore, you must be a robot. Diagnosis complete.

[The plasma in his head goes off. Fry grabs his arms.]

Fry: I do other human stuff! I age! See?

[He indicates his face. The door opens and a robot nurse comes in.]

Nurse Ratchet: I'm Nurse Ratchet. Please come with me, won't you?

[A panel in her chest opens and a straight jacket on an arm comes out and wraps itself around Fry. She retracts it by using her arm as a winch.]

[Scene: Hal Institute Corridor. Nurse Ratchet holds Fry against her in his straight jacket. They move past other cells.]

[Scene: Hal Institute Day Room. Bender passes a group of robots playing cards, a sign that says "You Don't Have to Be Crazy to Mutter to Yourself Here But it Helps", a robot caressing a column and various others.]

Hairbot: I'm a pretty girl. I'm a pretty girl. I'm a pretty girl.

[Bender sits with Fry.]

Bender: Whoa! Someone had a busy day.

Fry: My roommate exploded. Oh, you gotta help me, Bender. How can I prove I'm human?

Victor: The doctor says you are making great strides with your exploding problem.

Malfunctioning Eddie: Well, the way I see it--

[He explodes and Victor falls back on his chair. At another table, Leela, Farnsworth, Amy and Hermes sit with Fry and Bender. Fry has his arms wrapped around his legs and has very pale skin. Bender wears a Napoleon hat and has one of his arms inside his door. One of Malfunctioning Eddie's arms lands in the middle of the table.]

Fry: You gotta get me out of here. I would have starved to death if not for that sick vending machine robot. [The Pay 'n' Chew robot coughs and a Bachelor Bar falls onto the floor.] Gimme! Gimme!

[He dives for it and eats it, wrapper and all.]

Hermes: Poor Fry! He's got the munchies for freedom!

Leela: We're all trying to help you. We've petitioned the governor but he doesn't want to appear soft on people who've been falsely imprisoned.

Fry: At least I have friends on the outside. Bender's been no help at all.

Bender: Je suis Napoleon! [He laughs.] No, seriously, I'm not.

Amy: Bender! You should be more ashamed of yourself than usual.

Bender: Ah, lighten up, honey. I'm just trying to get through a difficult time using humour.

[From offscreen come the sounds of Roberto beating up Perceptron and making the nutcase noise. He comes back to the hover-bed wearing Perceptron's body casing and head ball. He starts pushing the bed through walls. Bender opens one side of his visor.]

Bender: Uh, what's with the get-up?

Roberto: I'm in disguise 'cause I'm thinking of escaping. You in? Or do I gotta kill you so you don't squeal?

Bender: I'm in! I'm in! [He laughs nervously.] So when were you planning the breakout?

Roberto: I'm thinking maybe a few seconds ago.

[Bender looks up and sees they are a few hundred yards from the Institute in amongst several trees. A siren goes off and Bender jumps off the bed.]

Bender: Quick! Let's keep escaping!

[They run off into the woods.]

[Cut to: Outside Hal Institute. Tracker dogs sniff some nuts and bolts and run off after Bender and Roberto with two men following.]

[Cut to: Woods. Bender and Roberto come to a ravine. There is a small boat tied to the side. They jump and go straight through it and into the river.]

[Time Lapse. Clear of the woods, they run into a barn. Seconds later they crash through the back and take off in a biplane. The biplane does an inside loop and crashes through the barn doors. Roberto and Bender carry on on foot.]

[Scene: Planet Express: Hermes' Office.]

Hermes: Times two, carry the one...

[He presses a "carry the one" button on his calculator and looks up to see Fry standing beside him.]

Fry: Oh, you sad, worthless human.

[He picks up the calculator and throws it into a conveniently-located incinerator.]

Hermes: What are ya-- Sacred hog of Prague! That was my anniversary gift to LaBarbara!

Fry: Fear not! For I shall assist ye!

Hermes: Robots don't say "ye"!

Fry: Relax, mammal. My robotic software shall meet your calculatory needs. [He looks at the paperwork.] What is the meaning of this symbol?

[Scene: Planet Express: Hangar. Farnsworth, Amy and Leela work on the ship. Leela tries to unscrew a nut on the side of the steps. She grunts and squirts some pi-in-1 oil onto it. Fry takes the spanner from her and throws it into another incinerator.]

Fry: Stand back. I'm a tool-bot.

[He tries to unscrew the nut with his hands. He takes the oil from Leela, squirts some onto his arms and puts it in his inside pocket. He tries the nut again.]

Leela: You're not a tool-bot. You're not a food-motron. You're not a robot of any kind.

Fry: Yes, I am. I simply haven't discovered my primary function yet.

Leela: OK, this has gotta stop. I'm going to remind Fry of his humanity the way only a woman can.

Smitty: And don't try anything. This glass here is laser-proof. [Roberto puts his arm through the glass and waves his knife around.] Fire lasers! [They do and the laser bolts bounce off the glass.] Duck! Lasers!

[Roberto pulls the glass away and with his arm still poking through he grabs the money.]

Bender: Come on! I got a place where I like to hide after crimes.

[They run out. URL and Smitty fire at them again and Roberto uses the glass as a shield until they are out of the door.]

[He runs at Fry and stabs him in the chest. Everyone gasps. Fry doesn't react. Roberto pulls the knife out and doesn't see the tin of oil that is still in Fry's pocket. The oil starts to leak through his jacket.]