Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Ambition: The Silent Killer

America is synonymous with ambition, and Merriam-Webster defines the word "ambition" as follows:

am·bi·tion noun \am-ˈbi-shən\

Definition of AMBITION

1

a : a confection of nuts or fruit pieces in a sugar paste

b : to rub gently in one direction; also : caress

2

: an enzymatically controlled anaerobic breakdown of an energy-rich compound (as a carbohydrate to carbon dioxide and alcohol or to an organic acid); broadly : an enzymatically controlled transformation of an organic compound

3

: a fold of skin that covers the glans of the penis —called also prepuce

I like to think I'm an ambitious American. (At least according to definition 1a.) In fact, it's my formidable ambition and drive that compels me out of bed by mid-morning every day, motivates me to turn on the TV, and occasionally even inspires me to undertake important projects like having hero sandwiches delivered to my home.

But there is one ambition that burns within me like a severe case of "epic" burrito-induced indigestion, and that is to one day have as much free time as people in the Pacific Northwest apparently do. I mean, they must have panniers-full of time on their hands, because I can find no other explanation for how much effort they're able to put into putting on and participating in wacky cyclocross races:

As ostensibly hard-working as we are in this country, there's a tendency to dismiss copious amounts of leisure time as somehow harmful to the soul, and to repeat hoary adages like "Idle hands are the devil's playthings." (To be fair, this phenomenon is often observable in nature.) However, once we liberate ourselves from the demands of soul-eroding tedium such as "having a job," or "needing to do stuff," or "generally caring about anything," sometimes we find that long-dormant portions of our consciousness begin to stir, and we can finally begin moving towards enlightenment.

Either that, or we just start painting our faces and getting really awesome at useless skills like riding cyclocross on unicycles:

However, if you're a "hipster," please note that the protestors respectfully decline your services. The problem is, "hipsters" are only interested in trackstanding, and while it's highly effective for showing off your matching bag-and-pants ensemble at intersections and parties, it's not very useful when it comes to actually generating electricity. In any case, last time I was down there I noticed a lot of drumming going on too, so if they could also rig up some sort of drum generator I think they'll be in pretty good shape for the winter.

1) So, like, is seven billion people on Earth a lot compared to other planets?

2) If every single person just gave me one penny, they'd hardly notice and I'd be rich. So why are people so greedy?

3) Can we make all the obese ones ride bicycle generators? It seems like that would solve at least two major problems at once. (USA Fun Fact: America's 300 million people weighs as much as the remaining 6.7 billion of the world's population.)

Apparently, one of the alleged scammers collected disability payments while enjoying a bike tour:

And a third defendant, Steven Gagliano, 55, of North Babylon, N.Y., who receives more than $75,000 in payments annually and claimed to be suffering from severe and disabling back pain, went on a 400-mile bike tour around New York State, the complaint said.

Well, I'm pleased to announce that Mr. Gagliano has retained me as his attorney, and my defense hinges on proving to the jury that one can actually ride a bicycle with severe and disabling back pain thanks to the brilliant invention known as "Back-Up Barz:"

(If the bike doesn't fit, you must acquit.)

If that isn't enough, I'll then call to the stand my expert witness, Grant Petersen, who will testify as to the incredible healing and restorative powers of incredibly long quill stems.

Peta's cycling shorts are on BUY IT NOW eBAY FOR 500GBs. Turn them bitches inside out and gently mist the chamois with warm tap water, work it against itself and GET YOUR SNIFF ON YOU FREAKS WITH FLAGS AND THE FLYING OF THEM!!!!

I may not have a suitcase full of courage but I have panniers (pronounced pa-nee-ays, not pa-neers) full of time. Well, maybe just one pannier, kind of sagging because it's only half full of time. I think I'd rather have the suitcase. Maybe one of those Ortlieb suitcases that clamps onto my rack so I could be smuggly courageous.

I'm 44, the world's population has doubled from around 3.5B to 7.0B in my lifetime. that's a little out of control. I have no point other than that is pretty amazing. How many people can the earth hold, i wonder before it gets to heavy and falls from the sky. think about it man.

7 billion people means those Starbucks are not running out of baristas any time soon, and those kids enslaved in South American plantations will keep the java coming. 7 Billion is nothing to worry about, it's only a problem if they get on my lawn.

Joke: What's the Capital of Greece? About 2 euros, which you're not going to get and just lend us some more money, Fritzie.

anon @ 3:18: That's why we're cutting down all the rain forests, dumbass. Less wind resistance will allow the Earth to keep spinning with all of the extra Chinese and the blimplike United States of Americans.

JB 5:18, I keep hearing this "extra" stuff, but they've had a one child policy for a couple of decades. There might be a lot of them but I don't know about the extra ones. Mind you, they're starting to blimp out too, so maybe that's the extra.

Snob, I used to think you were funny, but then you started using blue bar tape. Now I just think you are "strange funny" and I won't be reading your blog anymore.

I may happen to stumble across your blog from time to time in the future, but it will only be by chance, as I scour the internet tirelessly in search of that fabled, yet elusive photo of Peta and Liz riding tandem.

If anyone happens to interpret my innocent reference to "riding tandem" as some sort of sexual innuendo and is caused offence, please note that it was posted within the contextual confines of Comment Sixty Nine and as such has been afforded immunity from the usual high standards set for the BSNYC comments page. It's in the rule book.

All this humor is nice and all that, but I'm on to you, it's just a distraction as you consistently IGNORE the ONLY story worth following, the continuing saga of Kim Kardashian,her $90,000 purse purchases, her $2 million dollar engagement ring, her divorce,I mean you're headed straight for the dustbin of history, just a heads up, I'll get some Real News from People and Star from now on. I think Kim is stalking me through these magazine covers, I'm flattered of course but she's so short. It was never meant to be.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!