There’s been many metaphors involving the “hot and crazy ex-girlfriend” when it comes to Roy Halladay and the Toronto Blue Jays, and also Randy Moss and the New England Patriots. These comparisons are pretty goddamn terrible. I do not care for them, and I’ve ready like a dozen of them over the last week. The Blue Jay bloggers and fans get off because they’re my boys, even though they pretty much, to a man, find me distasteful, as I sort of call for the mass suicides of some of our dumber commentators. But Christ, the ESPN and Fox Sports hacks are tripping over themselves with this, THROWIN ELBOWS to be the first to submit this garbage:

I want to take that analogy a step further, and only because I wrote this entire column before reading that Whitlock excerpt. Hate when that happens. In fact, I swear on Larry Bird’s life that I wrote the following paragraph about the Crazy Hot Chick before seeing Whitlock’s piece.

(If one of your awful peers beat you to the punch in making a terrible point, consider that a favor.)

Plus, it’s hilarious coming from dorks and whales like Bill Simmons and Jason Whitlock. I don’t respect their backgrounds enough to “buy in” to what is ultimately a metaphor they don’t have the dating experience to make. Though that’s really the best way to get a crazy, hot chick: be an unfunny sports dork that hates everything and constantly points out how ironic things are.

So from now on, I demand – I demand! – that if you’re going to make a really awful sports analogy involving the “crazy hot chick,” then you need a signed affidavit from the one you banged as a PDF link. She can sign it in blood, that’s fine. You can put the document on your car’s windshield and she can sign it in lipstick. That’s OK, too. But let’s get some supporting documentation here.