Friday, August 5, 2011

The Next Chapter

Well...it has been an EXTREMELY busy summer around my house. I have sat down to post several times, but just couldn't think of what I wanted to say. So tonight, I decided I would begin to share the story of the next chapter. It'll take a few posts to get it all out there, so bear with me...

I started talking to my mom about the friend of my dad's that was sending me messages on Facebook. I did not know who she was and where this was all coming from. It was so random. I questioned if my dad really wanted to contact me or if this was just a curious friend. The friend left me a number to call to talk to my dad, but I just couldn't do it. I was scared.

Over the week or so that followed, my mom was having an extremely difficult time with everything. It was like she was reliving my relinquishment, regretting what she did, wishing things had played out differently, talking about how my dad was absolutely no help and didn't care about her while she was pregnant or me. It was awful. She kept telling me that I should not trust him or this "friend" of his. She felt like it was all some plan to hurt me because he didn't care about me...and according to her, he never cared.

I felt like I was reliving everything that happened when I told my AP's about my bmom finding me and wanting to be a part of my life. I was confused, I didn't know what to do. In the meantime, I am still getting messages from my dad's friend. I had started answering my brother's messages. He would send several a day. I asked him if his mom knew about me and he said yes. He would tell me things about my dad and my other brothers. We would message back and forth about lots of things. I even asked him, at one point, if he knew who this frined was. He never responded. I like messaging him because it wasn't heavy. We would talk about sports and things we liked and stuff. It was fun getting to know him. It was the first real sibling relationship that I had. I knew my half-brother from my mom, but he rarely talked to me and was not interested at all in having any kind of a relationship. So, this brother wanting to find out about me made me feel really good. I don't think I had ever felt that from anyone in my biological family. Definitely not my half-brother and not fully from my mom.

My mom kept warning me about getting my brother involved. She would call me and talk to me for hours on the phone crying and worried about me and what was going to happen. She kept telling me that she didn't trust my dad and she didn't think his wife would be OK with me. I told her that my brother had said that she knew and my mom told me that she didn't believe it. She warned me about how my dad was and how he's had 9 years to get to know me and he's refused to even try. My brother had asked for my number so we could text and my mom told me that it was not a good idea to give it to him because then my dad might find out and start calling me. My head was spinning. I didn't know what to do. I was slowly realizing that talking to my mom about my dad was not helping the situation.

After the fourth or fifth message that I got from my dad's friend, my mom asked me to give her the phone number the friend gave me and she would call and find out who it was. I did...looking back, maybe not such a great idea but I was at a loss. She called and ended up talking to my dad. What happened next?? NOt at all what I was expecting. But then again, what about reunion goes as expected? I'm still waiting for that moment.

4 comments:

I understand your mom's anxiety. I went looking for my daughter's father, before I found my daughter. I did it because, while I knew he loved her, I didn't want to spring her on him yet again. I wasn't sure how she would react if he was reluctant - and I really wasn't sure how I would react to seeing him again if he chose to get involved..... It is scary.

I understand that a lot of times the birth fathers left us in a rather undesirable situation to deal with everything on our own...however, what I don't understand is the way your birth mother reacted!

I know everyone is different and all that but come on! It has been how many years? Who's to say your birth father hasn't grown up and matured? Who's to say that he doesn't regret the way he treated her? Who's to say that he doesn't want to have anything to do with you NOW? Who's to say that he didn't come looking for you because he thought it should be you to find him because he didn't want to disrupt your life?

What ever the case, I can't see why she would not support you and love you through this time with your birth father. Your relationship with him is completely separate from your relationship with her and just because they had some difficulties in their relationship does not mean he will be that way with you.

I am sorry she is adding to your anxiety about not knowing what to do. So if their talk was something you would have never expected to happen I am going to guess that they were able to work thru their very OLD differences are he said he was sorry and now they are on good terms? Am I close?

This happened with me and my son's birth father when I found him and it was quite refreshing to let go of all the hurt he caused me. Even though he had hurt me tremendously, I would NEVER have discouraged my son from having a relationship with him.

About Me

I have known that I was adopted my entire life. Despite seeing reunions of adopted children and their natural parents on daytime talk shows growing up, I never consciously thought or imagined it would happen to me. Unexpectedly, at the age of 24, I was reunited with my natural mom. Upon meeting her, my life has been forever changed. I started this blog to journal about my adoption and reunion and the emotional roller coaster I've been on for the past 8 years. Thanks for coming along and joining me on this crazy ride.