How I Secretly Quit My Secret Habit of Secretly Drinking

Fake It Til You Make It

Two or three times a year I am invited as a guest speaker for teenage girls involved in a local “personal development” program. I love to listen as the young women talk about their goals and perspectives, and I often leave feeling that I’ve learned more from them than what I came to teach.

One such lesson was “Fake It ‘Til You Make It”.

I was a bit taken aback to hear a 13 year old extolling the virtues of “faking it” – wasn’t this program supposed to teach these girls to be themselves and celebrate who they really are inside? Ah, but this wise young woman went on to explain that the process is a means of overcoming fear that holds you back from doing things you want or need to do. It means that when you need to be brave, but don’t feel brave, you must “act” as a brave person would in that situation. When you must stand up and speak, but you don’t feel confident, you must fake it and ACT confident.

Usually, we feel first and then act according to our feelings. Sometimes this works well, sometimes it gets us into trouble.

If our emotions are holding us back from what we need to do, however, we must set those feelings aside and get to the task at hand. Usually once we get going, comfort and confidence settle in.

If I were to go with my feelings right now, I would go straight home to enjoy the InStyle magazine that arrived yesterday and have myself three or four glasses of cold sauvignon blanc along with it. Am I having a diet coke and a salad at my desk instead? Damn skippy! Not because I feel like it, but because that it is what I need to be doing instead.

When it comes to this whole alcohol-free journey I’ve embarked on, I rely on “acting” like a non-drinker (and therefore not drinking) until I truly start to “feel” like a non-drinker (soon, I hope!). I find I have to think about it constantly and I am exhausted by the end of the day. My head aches from the awareness, constantly assessing each situation and protecting myself, reminding myself.

Last night we celebrated my husband’s birthday with a big family gathering in our home. It has only been 11 days since I quit drinking, but for the 4th time (already!) I found myself playing hostess and pouring drinks for others. Not only would I have loved to pour myself a glass of wine along with them, better yet I’d have loved to take the bottle up to my bedroom and drink it all alone watching Survivor and Modern Family.

Instead I had to act like a non-drinker and pour for others while having nothing myself (which, by the way, no one noticed or mentioned). Once I acted like a non-drinker, I started to feel more like one, and I enjoyed the evening.

I hope this comes more easily, in time. I hope I start to really feel like having herbal tea and diet ginger ale.

I do know this much….

When I realized I needed to quit drinking, it hit me like a two-by-four between the eyes. It caused my heart to ache and pound; the desire to become this new me, this non-drinking me. Just recalling it as I write now has caused me to tear up and catch my breath.

And here I am, a go-getter with success in life and in work because I do what needs to be done. If I think something should take place I make it happen. I always say “You can get any ball rolling with six phone calls or less.” Problems fixed, opportunities seized, challenges met, threats faced.

It shook me to know I wanted something so badly it hurt, and I wasn’t doing anything about it. Every morning I woke up and promised myself I wouldn’t drink that day, and then every evening I’d drink.

I could pinpoint the moment in each day when I pivoted and made the decision to drink. I figured all I’d have to do was overcome that one hurdle each day – somehow I thought it would mean changing that one decision a day.

Wrong!

As it turns out, my habit is like a persistent, bratty 3 year old that says, “Can I have candy?” (No.) “Now can I have candy?” (No.) “Noowwww can I have some candy, pleeeeease?” (No.) “I WANT CANDY!” (No, darling.) “Wahhhhh, candy! Candy! Candy! (No, no, no.)

I guess it’s no wonder my head hurts at the end of the day. Wahhhh, I want wine! I want wine now. How about now? Now can I have wine? Please? (No, no, and no.)

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Published by UnPickled

I am learning to walk without the crutch of alcohol. As I begin I am 1 day sober. Gulp.
I drank in private and hope to quit just as privately. The purpose of this blog is to help make me accountable - just by following you will give me enormous support and encouragement.
View all posts by UnPickled

UnPickled – I know you published this over five years ago, but it was EXACTLY what I needed to read today. I am on Day 12, feeling good about that, but like you were — exhausted from being on full alert most of the afternoon and evening. I look forward to reading your entire journey (from old to new) to pick up tips and encouragements.

Ditto. Amazing how I can feel confident(mostly) and sure in the morning and then the switch happens. I feel like I have a double personality. And the person who commented about her husband drinking when he gets home, ditto. Mine goes straight to the fridge and pulls out a beer.
Yikes. Today, is the 1st day again. What do I do with that 1/2 bottle of Sauvignon Blanc in the fridge? Maybe I should get rid of it with some kind of ritual. Any suggestions?

What if some days you can handle the cravings and don’t drink, but, when your husband comes home and doesn’t support your trials. How do you stay sober while he drinks? I find it a losing battle and it makes me very sad.

This is when you reach out to a sober network that does support you. Are you in a program or do you have someone you could text or call? Stay true to yourself – keep honoring yourself and your recovery. Readers, chime in please. Have any of you been in a similar situation? What helped?

I stumbled across your blog from Crying Out Now. YOU are an incredible writer. WOW….can I ever relate to your struggle!! I am day two of being sober. I was 14 days sober, then drank a bottle of red wine. Now back to day 2. You are right about the pivitol moment in the day. And , ya,,,, 4:00 is crutial for me! I am trying to keep my blood sugar up…as wine instantly would relieve that for me. I actually even have been drinking a small amount of grape juice in my wine glass…..then perierre water and lemon the rest of the night….and/or tea.
I turned 50 this year……and I’ve struggled with drinking more than I should for quite awhile. But most people wouldn’t know that….I drink alone, starting while making dinner. But, I’ve been trying to hide it from my 17 year old son…as I know its not a good example. Ok…..so did you talk alot about this with your husband? or girlfriends? Or only the blog?? Reading other peoples stories is very helpful to me. I’ve thought about going to a “recovery” class at my church….but a little nervous about then having EVERYONE know my problem. 🙂 Even though my close girlfriends know my issues. If we go out occasionally, they will ask, “ok, so are you off or on now…..I can’t keep up”! Because I’ve quit so many times….then think I can handle it…..but only to go back to downward spiral
Please keep writing….I love it!!!

Ug. When I am slugging through the difficult part of each new booze-free day (4:30 pm to bedtime is a battle in my head) I remind myself that the struggle not to drink is a tradeoff for the equal amounts of bad emotions that came with daily drinking. However, the good news is that by NOT drinking, the negative part of the day (i.e. missing the booze) will eventually fade away and I’ll be stronger and healthier for it. My health and happiness were doomed if I continued in the direction I was headed.