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Sunday, March 8, 2009

I find all our new commieislamofascist friendships around the world so confusing these days.

I mean, when do I have to start acting like a character in Animal Farm? Are we down with the Bible and up with the Quran? (If so, I think 72 virgins is a little much for me…I’d prefer to have just one…I’m sort of monogamous…plus it’s hard enough keeping one woman happy, no?) Am I no longer allowed to have Jewish friends? (If so, there are some things I’m going to have to tell Allah Akbar! about my support of Israel.) Should I be dressing my wife in a burkha? (GAWD I just LOVE how hot she is when I can see only her eyes!) Should I be preparing for the Sunday night party meeting (with a dog-eared copy of The Communist Manifesto – after I run it through the dryer a couple times – in tow)? Should I be ignoring all the Tea Party messages that are vibrating my crackberry and, I have to admit, kinda turning me on?

I just don’t know what to do. Life was pretty simple when I had F-16s flying over my house because the Twin Towers had shockingly been attacked and fallen, when I had a nice warm gun in a shoulder holster next to my heart (oh, I assure you: it’s still there), when you could easily define all enemies as being either “with us or with the terrorists.”

That hawkish philosophy not only made this crazy, screwed up world a little easier to comprehend (and explain to my kids) but also had style, substance, and stability.

These days, it’s hard to tell where bedrock lies because the number of olive branches we’re passing out among our enemies is mindboggling. The envirowhackos are gonna be REALLY pissed, too, when they find out how many trees we felled to extend those branches. But…then…again…change the shapeshifter is upon us!

And we should embrace change because it is good for us! His eminence b. Hussein tells us so! I don’t mean to be so cynical.…(Oh, hell, yes I do!) The left says that even though I don’t support b. Hussein, I have to respect the Office of the President. I’m not really sure what that means. Do I call b. a dick (I’m not a liar, so I have to be honest…) and then say, “but I love the presidency?” Do I keep printing my “hate speech” here but then send the president little Valentines to let him know I care about how hard his job is, about how he has a “mess” to clean up? (And such a FINE job he’s doing!)

Yes, it’s a wonderful time in American history. Isolation is over. Ignorant acceptance is everywhere.

The orgy is on.

I mean, it’s just AWESOME that we’re now buddies with the Palestinians. On the one hand, we’re giving old Mahmoud Abbas (محمود عباس‎), chairdude of the PLO, $130 million so he can train a Palestinian “security force” in that bastion of freedom, Jordan, which, on the face of things, would seem as though we’re siding with, and legitimizing, the Palestinian state. THEN b. Hussein turns around and sends $900 million – 8 times more – to the United Nations Relief and Work Agency in Gaza, in effect giving the money to Hamas. Sounds a lot to me like b. Hussein is a lobbyist playing both sides in the event of a close finish, so he can be friends with the winner.

THEN, THEN, we’re becoming buddies with Iran. How so? By inviting a bunch of loonies who just tested another missile, think the Holocaust is a myth, and will have the bomb by the end of this year, to hang out with us in Afghanistan while b. Hussein tries to pay off “moderate” members of the Taliban (ala W. and the Sunnis in Iraq, to the miniscule amount of $800,000 a day) not to fight. My question, respectfully put to the dickhead in charge, however, is…if we don’t have enough TAXPAYER money to save our banks, our carmakers, our insurance brokers, our homeowners (who took out bad loans), and our own friggin’ government (the failure of which just might, indeed, be a blessing), how can we afford to pay two sets of radical Islamic groups who’d rather see us dead…and will resume trying to kill us…once our money dries up…and it will…all while engaging a third group of radical Islamofascists who want to see us dead even if we never set foot on their fetid oil-soaked sands again?

But that’s not all! We’re about to give Cuba some good luv and ease restrictions on travel and trade and, eventually, end the embargo. During his campaign, I thought b. Hussein was obviously trying to act like John F. Kennedy. But…low and behold!...apparently he ain’t no Kennedy…foshizzel!...not even FRIGGIN’ CLOSE....

I got news for ya, b. Hussein…contrary to fat-ass Micheal Moore’s claims, Cuba’s health care isn’t at all better than ours, and I can get far better cigars from people who had the common sense to leave that island of horrors and practice capitalism elsewhere. So…tell me again why we need to be friends with yet another government that wants us dead?

But…it…gets…better.

We’re even buddies with Venezuela, now, so much so that b. Hussein is getting pressured by Hugo “Citgo” Chavez to follow the path of socialism, the “only” way out of a global recession. (I can’t wait until Chavez and b. Hussein get gold money teeth together.) “Imagine a socialist revolution in the United States,” the dumb prick we could squash with one H-bomb says. (Happy Happy Joy Joy!)

The good news is we’re still working on getting the word “reset” straight in Russian from the word “overcharge,” so we can’t quite yet slather sloppy kisses all over the birthplace of the Evil Empire.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could “overcharge” the events of Nov. 4 (or…maybe we already did)? I’m betting it won’t be long before quite a few of the 66 million who voted for b. Hussein think so.