Valentine's Day Myths Revealed

Do You Believe Any Of These Myths About Valentine's Day? You'd Better Read This

As a woman, I’m here to give you straight men my personal opinion on the monstrosity that is Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark holiday. We all know this, but at its core it’s about appreciating the person you are with at that moment in time or if you are single celebrating sex and love in general. There’s no right or wrong way to do Valentine’s Day, but there’s a lot of people who would tell you otherwise. (Okay, I mean, dumping your girlfriend with a singing telegram that says, “Get your crap out of my place tonight and take flight” is pretty dark, but I would like to think none of you readers are that devoid of basic decency.)

According to sweet fables of ancient history, Valentine’s Day honors the day that the goddess Aphrodite punished her son Cupid (who was a God) for his relationship with a mortal, Psyche. Although Aphrodite was a loving, nurturing woman she was also painted as an extremely jealous woman when it came to the men in her life, including her own kin. (What an original idea to attach to a woman, can we whip out the Bible next and talk about how manipulative and evil Eve was?) Cupid and Psyche did not work out for the differences in their mortality and their crazy families, but Cupid did famously shower Psyche with luxurious gifts on their first night together. Then, Hallmark got involved, like, way later.

In the name of fables, let’s dig into some more modern myths surrounding Valentine’s Day that should be challenged:

Myth: You Have To Break The Bank

According to a survey performed by The National Retail Federation, in 2014 the average American spent $133.91 on their significant other for Valentine’s Day. Although it was reported that men spent twice as much on gifts alone (men reported $108.38, while women were at $49.41), it seems that the numbers are telling this: you do not need to break the bank on Valentine’s Day. When you really think about these numbers, $133 is not a lot for an evening out. Keep it simple. Valentine’s Day is about spending time. Showing you care. It’s the most cliché concept in the book of love, but come on, man it’s not about the money, and if it is, then you might need to check the vitals of your relationship.

Myth: Chocolate

Yes, a lot of people like chocolate but the whole idea that the way to a woman’s heart is flowers, diamonds and chocolate is about as old as my grandmother’s car. The way to a woman’s heart is through great orgasms and friendship. Yes, chocolate never killed any woman (in fact, it only made Jeanne Calment stronger until age 122), but when it comes down to it great sex always beats chocolate. Always. Why do you think the women in the commercials eating chocolate are sexualizing that truffle? (Many reason, we know commercials are crap. I hope you get my tone, man.)