(atmospheric music)
Timothy Simons: A black hole.
Timothy Simons: An enormous well of gravity
in the very fabric of space.
Timothy Simons: But what do we
know about black holes?
Timothy Simons: What are they really?
Timothy Simons: They don't exist.
Timothy Simons: If it doesn't say anything
about it in this book,
Timothy Simons: then you don't
need to think about it.
Timothy Simons: Our vast infinite universe,
has been the source of
Timothy Simons: questions since the dawn of mankind.
Timothy Simons: But all of those questions
can be answered quite easily.
Timothy Simons: The answer is, God did it.
(seagulls squawking)
Timothy Simons: In this beautiful white church
minivan, we can go
Timothy Simons: anywhere. from the event horizon
of a wormhole, to
Timothy Simons: a picketing of a Planned Parenthood.
Timothy Simons: We all know God lives in heaven,
but what do we
Timothy Simons: see when we look to the heavens?
Timothy Simons: Planets. Stars. Constellations.
Timothy Simons: I see something. A man's face.
Timothy Simons: That man is God.
Timothy Simons: So God is just some old white man
with a big bushy beard
Timothy Simons: looking down on us from heaven?
Timothy Simons: Yes.
Timothy Simons: Yes, he is.
(God signs)
Timothy Simons: But who created the heavens
and the stars?
Timothy Simons: God.
Timothy Simons: But why did he do that?
Timothy Simons: Tsk-tsk-tsk.
Timothy Simons: That's not for you to
question, or know.
Timothy Simons: We know from fossil records, that our planet was once ruled,
Timothy Simons: by giant ferocious reptiles.
And what happened to them?
Timothy Simons: Nothing.
Timothy Simons: They never existed.
Timothy Simons: Satan put these fossils on earth
to trick you.
Timothy Simons: Did he get ya?
Timothy Simons: Don't worry about it. Never
to late to come back into the fold.
Timothy Simons: Satan, you old jokester.
Timothy Simons: Carl Sagan said, "We are all
made of star stuff,"
Timothy Simons: and he was right, but God made
that star stuff.
Timothy Simons: We are all made of star stuff,
Timothy Simons: except for woman who are made
from the rib of a man.
Timothy Simons: And what about the sun?
Timothy Simons: God made it.
Timothy Simons: The only sun you need to be
thinking about is the holy son,
Timothy Simons: Jesus.
Timothy Simons: The moon.
Timothy Simons: Man walked on it. God made it.
Timothy Simons: Ants? God made them.
Timothy Simons: Dogs? God made them.
Timothy Simons: Trees? God made them.
Timothy Simons: Gay people. God didn't make
them. They chose that for themselves.
Timothy Simons: Cars. America made them, but
God made America.
Timothy Simons: Sandwiches. God made them.
Timothy Simons: Everything. God made it.
Timothy Simons: Well, we were supposed to do
six more episodes, but we've
Timothy Simons: seemed to have answered all
of your questions in the first
Timothy Simons: two minutes. so we're going to
air color bars with
Timothy Simons: subliminal messages for the
rest of our time.
Timothy Simons: I'm Jared. Community outreach
leader of the Creationist
Timothy Simons: Baptist Church of Alabama.
Timothy Simons: Thank you for your time.
Timothy Simons: God bless.
Timothy Simons: Good bye.
(beep)