Sunday, February 9, 2014

So, it's been a month (today) since Dad died. Life's kind of starting to go back to "normal." Not everything we do somehow relates directly to his death. And it's weird.

I know I've heard and read people say this. That it feels like you're leaving your loved one behind. That's kinda it. I mean, my dad lived to be 80. He had a GREAT life. It's not that his death was shocking. Old people die. But he was MY dad. And I don't really know HOW to leave him behind. I know people say…"you're not leaving him behind…he'll always be with you." Yes, I get that. But he lived in my house with us…and now there's just a hole. It's not like he lived across the country and I was used to not seeing him, you know?

He had many serious health problems. We knew his death was coming. But even still…death is shocking. It's hard to process, even when you're absolutely certain that your loved one is in a better place.

I guess there is a certain "comfort" in grieving, too. I know that sounds weird. But immediately following someone's death, you grieve…and that's exactly what everyone expects from you. But then as time moves on a little bit…you start to participate in life again…and it's SO uncomfortable. Does that make sense? It's SO exhausting to try to be "normal."

Monday, February 3, 2014

My life has turned upside down. It feels like everything that I'd gotten used to has changed. That is an over-generalization…but I'm still reeling.

A few times in the past weeks/months, it's occurred to me that I could journal/blog some of what's going on…but then I just feel like…why? Do people still blog? Would it help me? Would it help anyone else? I don't know. Is it worth the effort? Probably.

Sigh.

I think I'll do a little "unload" now, just so if I decide to come and blog again, I don't have to do an even "huger" catch-up post. But I think I will do the Reader's Digest Condensed version. As much as I'd love to share it all…I guess that may just have to come with time. I don't have it in me to type it all tonight. (But as I'm typing now…it does feel good to begin to let some out.)

The biggies are that my dad died and I've (temporarily) withdrawn from school and am (most likely) changing my program of study. OK there. The band-aid has been torn off, and now I can just begin to share again. (Anytime I have lapsed in blogging…so much happens that it becomes this enormous speed bump to getting started again. "Ugh, I'd blog, but there's too much to say. Where to even start?")

Anyway. Yes, my dad passed away on January 9, 2014 here at home. He entered hospice just before Christmas and weakened dramatically every day. It was very hard and scary to watch, but also beautiful and "satisfying???" (gosh that's the wrong word…but maybe you know what I'm saying) to know that (the bulk) of his care was in our hands. His death was peaceful and beautiful. I will never regret the time we got to spend with him at the end of his life.

And then, yes…I decided that I needed time to grieve. Time to help my mom with her grief. Time to be with my family. I withdrew from school, initially just for this semester. But then, very quickly realized…and this will be a story for another day…that if I was withdrawing, that it was a perfect opportunity for me to switch to a program that more closely matched my personality. It's a very difficult thing to realize that just because you love something, and are good at it, that it's not necessarily a "match." Holy upheaval, Batman!

So, I feel like I blinked and everything I'd come to accept as "how it was" has changed. It's hard to come to terms with. It's hard to look at your future (at age 42) and see a blank canvas. I don't want to whine or complain. I've been given a beautiful life, and I am so grateful. I've gotten to enjoy my parents for a lot longer than many, many people. Still…it's just hard.

I'm reeling. I'm slowly (is it slowly? It's "only" been about 3-1/2 weeks. But it feels slow.) seeing the "fog" lifting. I just don't know exactly where to turn now.