So after acknowledging the legitamcy of my same sense attractions it's kind of caused a spiral effect. For the first time I started to really notice guys in person and that was a sort of awakening. I try very hard to just accept for whatever reasons I have the attractions I have but truthfully it would be nice to know exactly why and exactly who I am.

My attractions to women never seemed on the same level as those around me, I'd be turned on by maybe one woman for every 100 my brothers and friends seemed to be turned on by.

I don't particularly recall my heart skipping a beat for guys I'd seen in person-until now but even then it's not a high percentage out of the guys I see. Until this point it had been exclusively focused on sexual acts. But for as long as I can remember men and sex with men has occupied probably 99% percent of my fantasies.

So I start accepting that these attractions were there and they pretty much started taking over my every thought. I began to notice my attraction to women as slight as it's been diminishing and started to do all this research in regards to coming out...within this process I started to read some things from Joe Kort and just when I was thinking I'd finally come to some clarification in who I am all the same old questions kicked in...and it's back to the What the hell am I?

I've been researching about sexuality being fluid which is a notion I can see but then that leaves other questions like how do I live truly to myself-the only answer seems to be to come out-to try and see if I can form an emotional connection with a man..but then that leads to the thought of well what if I go through that whole process and then bam my sexuality starts to swing the other way....

Now on top of the noticing guys in a different light since accepting the attractions there are somethings that I've remembered over the past few weeks that kind of solidify the thoughts as I remember them being before any abuse even occurred like passionately kissing a boy when I was 5 or 6 and my dad telling me that thats "not how boys kiss boys". He wasn't angry about it or a dick about it but I do clearly remember him saying that.

Then there are other things that I remember that I'm not so sure if they were before the abuse, during or after it. Like how I used to make my G.I Joe's have sex lol theres not much straight about that.

It's all so frustrating..

So my question to any of you primarily those that are out-did all the questioning stop when you started to embrace your orientation?

What in your mind made you sure that this was your natural orientation and not some result of the abuse?

One maybe different thing is for me was that while I fought the thoughts and fantasies for years I never once thought it had anything to do with the abuse I'd suffered until I stumbled across this site...

Then once I started reading stories that pointed to the abuse causing confusion-I went "that must be it" and then after reflection it's felt that that doesn't fit very well to me.

I keep looking for an easy answer to tell me clearly who I am but I know that isn't realistic...I am working everyday on accpeting myself regardless of the realisation I come to..

I tortured myself with huge amounts of guilt and shame over it all...wondering if I was gay or straight...but you see, it doesn't matter who you love. Just so long as they love you back.

Thank you for the well thought out response! This is pretty much the point I'm trying to get to-and just when I seem to get there some roadblock is thrown up.

When I started to remember things from my youth-things that would confirm a natural orientation geared towards men it felt good..it was another one of those "there it is!" moments and I felt a huge weight off my shoulders.

Then within 24 hours I recalled an episode I had in my eary twenties where I'd had this insane need to be penetrated-and searched like a maniac from some sort of object to do the trick..the memory of that hit me with a "oh shit that's not healthy" and then all the work towards acceptance flew out the window.

A part of the problem for me I think is that I've never explored the attractions in a particulary healthy manner. A drunken hook up, a random hook up but nothing healthy.

As nervous as I've been I'm working on pushing the boundaries with this and have met a guy-been talking for awhile online and developed a friendship with a newly out gay guy. In the past I've done this and than chickened out...I think I need to push myself to develop a real life friendship here and see where it goes...

I recognise the general issues within society that have likely put up road blocks for me outside of the CSA such as not see a place where I belong in the community etc

Then there are other things that I remember...Like how I used to make my G.I Joe's have sex lol theres not much straight about that.

OMG...never thot of that with MY GI Joes. Excellent. Did they ever invite Ken? Jus' askin'...

You bring up your heart "skipping a beat". I think that was my first clue...when I was in fifth grade and had a crush on a guy who sat in front of me in class. It continued into high school where he had some hot friends - like the T-Birds in "Grease" without the grease, but with ambiguous sexual orientation - and I desperately wanted to be part of that clique, but I was too nerdy. But, I knew.

My CSA was partially the result of abusive parents who wanted to "fix" me. In my desperation to have someone know about their abusiveness and to connect with other gay kids I was referred to the guidance counselor perp who abused me for a year. But that was decades ago...and, no, my CSA DIDN'T make me gay. However, being gay and abused made me a target for the perp. All the more reason, imo, for gay kids today to have the resources available for their protection.

As a young adult, yeah, I TRIED a couple relationships with women (even went to bed with one). But it didn't feel as though I connected. With one, she complained I never shared my feelings (go figure)...while she was also fucking one of my friends. Another was on a ship where I worked, but I was also messing around with "straight" passengers. Later, one boss commented he understood I was "sensitive". At the same time, though I enjoyed being around gay nightlife, I felt I never really fit (again). I recognize that some of it, too, was typical 20-something angst.

What finally connected in my late 20s was joining a group of gay-oriented 12-step meetings. I think what happened was I started to feel a sense of community with people who were...people. Today, many years later, one of 'em is still a best friend. I became completely comfortable in my own skin.

If I had to summarize, Irish, I'd say it wasn't just one man on which I was focused. It was a community and, yes, variety of people in that community. I could be as "gay" as I wanted to be...or not. But it didn't matter to them. They accepted me as I was. Took me a while, but I learned it was okay to jettison the facades I'd built up and even talk about the facades. As the facades came down, I used them less and less...even in the outside world. I cared less about what others thot of me because I knew I always had the support of a community "the others" didn't know about and didn't understand. My ace in the hole.

It felt like, "You can put me down because you have the perception I'm a 'typical' lonely and isolated fag, but I'm not. I have friends. So THERE."

I left behind my fiancee to find out what was behind my interest in men and male anatomy.

After about 7 years, I felt pretty sure it was not going to work for me as a primary relationship.

Maybe I never met the "right guy" maybe I was just not ready.

Social pressure was definitely NOT a factor in my case. Out to everyone, no issue there.

But the nagging sense of life purpose (and not an insatiable sexual desire for women) brought me back to my wife 7 years ago.

I have sexual blocks with women. But that doesn't necessarily mean I'm gay. I think I sexualized men because I felt male deficient and was trying to prove that I could make my mom (yeah I went there) satisfied.

Long story short.

God love you for hashing it all out with us.

I'm not done either!

yours,

M

PS if you are looking for a safe place to come out and really get support with that, I think this is a great place to do it!

I am no closer to figuring it out or who I am and it continues to frustrate me. In my mind I can make a clear rational argument for the ssa being a result of the abuse but then I can make an argument just as rational for that not being the only/sole reason for it.

So I fight to just accept that for whatever the reason it's there-it is. I'll get online and chat with local guys and find someone who seems compatible, chat endlessly and then when it's got to the point where meeting is the next logical step I chicken out. Then I'll go for a period of time (shorter as the years pass by) where I don't chat, look at porn and then the cycle will repeat.

My attraction to women is very slight at the moment but I've felt that way before then I'll meet someone and the attraction to women in general will increase. Whether it's an orientation issue or not I've had roadblocks with women my entire life. I'm a decent looking guy, out going, funny etc and never had a problem attracting women but even then my experience has been limited and my general out look is vastly different from any straight guy I know.

So ya the cycle continues...I just continue to work within myself on accepting me as a whole...it gets to be a lonely existence but this place helps with that a little.

Irish, because you are survivor you will always have troubles to make sexual contact with new guy... So take it easy, chat as long as possible, make gay friends, go out with them... and when you find someone interesting do not rush it.

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