Dec 16, 2009

As is so often the case, town rivalries can crop up and get out of hand even in peaceful, environmentally friendly, largely liberal states like the Great State of Washington. Oftentimes, small towns will pick out a bigger, more obviously gifted (geographically, managerially, demographically, etc!), tourist-friendly town to 'get even with' - like a 'little man' will pick out the biggest, most handsome guy in the bar to fight with in order to somehow 'right the scales of Justice' in a seemingly unfair and unfriendly world! Unfortunately, as in real life, more often than not, the little town gets its 'rear end' handed to them and they are expelled from the above referenced establishment with a big black eye and beer on their new shoes. But every so often the little scrapper can get in a lucky (or sneaky!) punch and can saunter off being the victor - only to wake up the next day and still be 5' 3" and 107 lbs soaking wet - but anyway!

In an effort at fairness (and to avoid potential conflict of any kind, given that we are shameless cowards!), the lowly Lamont Blog would like to spell out the various merits of the two (2) incorporated entities and let the obviously well-above average readers of this humble rag decide which of the two locations deserves the laurel wreath of victory in a competition that, on its very face, is just about as foolish and nonsensical as can be imagined (but not to Lamont where stubborn pride still reigns supreme, doggone it!) "Well, first off, we wish Lamont well and feel no need to compete with them at all. In Long Beach, we pride ourselves on that whole 'live and let live' concept. If Lamont wants to be better than Long Beach, that is fine by us - they can have it. There is room enough for both of us in this State. Let's move on as friends, shall we?" said an unnamed (and outrageously gracious!) Long Beach spokesperson with that calm assurance and natural dignity that is sure to send the Town of Lamont into a lathering rage not seen since the movie "Mommy Dearest"! "Oh, so they want to just give it to us, do they? The cheeky effrontery! The outrageous gall! What are they saying - that we can't win it on our own merits? Oh, this is war. WAR, I SAY!!" said the corresponding unnamed Lamont spokesperson from the Mayor's home phone. "Darn their eyes! They ain't giving us anything we can't win fair and square! Just because they have the beautiful ocean and eager tourists and an actual city-wide sewer system (versus septic!) and fancy restaurants and plush hotels and people want to come and visit them and the value of their average home is more than a good used car and they have more actual people than cows does not mean the judges won't choose Lamont!" he bellowed! (thank goodness there is no sobriety test before voting - that is Lamont's 'ace in the hole'!) "Let's let the doggone chips fall where they may!" concluded the Mayor/unnamed spokesperson, who foolishly yet indirectly referred to one of a number of unfortunate cow byproducts which might hurt the Town of Lamont in the eyes of the judges!

The Facts: Long Beach is gracefully nestled on the largest ocean in the world (named Pacific or Peaceful!) while Lamont is wedged (some would say 'shoe-horned!) up against 'The Scablands' - a hellish wasteland of jagged rocks, alkaline ponds, quicksand bogs and blood-thirsty rattlesnakes.

Long Beach sports the 'Longest incorporated beach in the world' while Lamont has that guy with a ball of string that is almost as big as a basketball (it is very tightly wound, however!)

The Long Beach town logo has pretty kites and sea grass and Lamont's does not! (darn their eyes!)

Long Beach enjoys a year-round cornucopia of fresh seafood drawn right from the clear waters of the Pacific while Lamont is forced to resort to "Rocky Mountain Oysters' once a year - right around 'gelding time!' (okay, that one is not a plus!)

Long Beach has cool whale sightings and neat sea creatures that come washing up and occasionally those awesome Japanese glass floats will wash ashore while Lamont once had a crazed llama from an outlying farm run amok in town after it shamelessly chased the Mayor into a strategically located Porta-Potty! (thank goodness for road construction and Century West Engineering!)(Lingering Question: In a Porta-Potty, can anyone hear you scream?)

"Okay, okay!!! We give. We give, already!!!" whined the Lamont Mayor. "Darn their eyes, but I guess Long Beach is pretty darn cool, after all. Let's let bygones be bygones. No hard feelings, right?" he said while extending the supposed handshake of friendship while trying to get in close for a cheap kidney punch or something! (metaphorically speaking, of course!)