• Someone normal enough to be married to a person who refuses to stand nearby in stone-faced silence during apologies for sex with prostitutes, staff members, cocktail waitresses or random passers-by.

• Someone firm enough to force Cabela's to stop calling itself Michigan's largest tourist attraction. A store, no matter how popular, is no tourist attraction.

• Someone with enough vision to insist traffic-ticket money should be donated to charity. Then we will have no need to wonder if police write tickets to make money for government.

• Someone sensible enough to like fudge. No one should represent Michigan without passing the Doug Murdick test.

• Someone honest enough to admit having personal ambition. The next politician who runs for office to "give back to the community" ought to know no one believes it.

• Someone bold enough to outlaw cute signs like "Colts" and "Fillies" on rest-room doors. Bathroom-related cuteness is a leading source of confusion and humiliation. Take it from a man who walked straight into the lassies room at Bullinger's last week.

• Someone who loves freedom enough to allow neighbors to do anything they want with their own property short of a health or safety hazard.

• Someone who values all of Michigan enough to declare "U.P. Awareness Day" before the Yoopers form their own state. Perhaps smoked chubs could be served in schools.

• Someone smart enough to know which costs most, a gallon of milk, a gallon of gas or a Whopper combo meal.

• Someone shrewd enough to favor pay bonuses for legislators every time they repeal a law. That should keep them out of trouble.

• Someone compassionate enough to give us a walleye in every pot and a snow machine in every garage.

There you have it!

Find a candidate like that and you can count on at least two voters: Me and the lady at Bullinger's.