I have to wait in the middle of the night at the central station. Two steps from me is an anorectic guy with a hole in his head. Hole is apparently medically treated, but it is still funny feeling. Another guy on the same bank like me smokes some strong hash.

As I told that one friend of mine, he asked if I am not afraid. He never travels with anything public, only by car. I am somehow zero afraid and feel actually pretty comfortable. Probably because I feel that the people around me are predictable, I mean the guy with a hole in his head will not go after me. And I feel that here no one is excluded. So it doesn't matter what I am, this place won't ostracize me.

I have to wait in the middle of the night at the central station. Two steps from me is an anorectic guy with a hole in his head. Hole is apparently medically treated, but it is still funny feeling. Another guy on the same bank like me smokes some strong hash.

As I told that one friend of mine, he asked if I am not afraid. He never travels with anything public, only by car. I am somehow zero afraid and feel actually pretty comfortable. Probably because I feel that the people around me are predictable, I mean the guy with a hole in his head will not go after me. And I feel that here no one is excluded. So it doesn't matter what I am, this place won't ostracize me.

diametrically different waiting experience. Have choosen today to sit into a posh hotel lounge during my waiting time for a train. Only one guest exept me. Live piano, my favorite tea and internet. Somehow do feel the same way comfortable like on a bank surrounded by shady human wrecks. Probably because the price of a tea makes it totally unprofitable for anyone to ostracise me here.

I bought an iced caramel coffee in large. The twisted logic was that I pay for large about 15% more for 33 % more of iced coffee. So I have 400 ml portion of junk ****. I drank about 100 ml of it, and I feel that I had enough. But I had payed for it. So I can't just leave it. That post should reinforce how dumb would be now to drink the remainder of that coffee, although it tastes disgusting and I just don't want it.

I bought an iced caramel coffee in large. The twisted logic was that I pay for large about 15% more for 33 % more of iced coffee. So I have 400 ml portion of junk ****. I drank about 100 ml of it, and I feel that I had enough. But I had payed for it. So I can't just leave it. That post should reinforce how dumb would be now to drink the remainder of that coffee, although it tastes disgusting and I just don't want it.

I wish him to die in a grease fire. He broke so many things in me, made me more insecure, more cynical. Because of him I think, that most men are just somewhere from useless to harmful. Because of him I have troubles to get pregnant.

He has approximately same feelings for me.

But we are grown-ups. We never verbalize this **** with each other. He helped me a lot with technical things and money. I helped him to move and to find a new job and now do my best to support him, because his dad is dying. I am a shine of very empathetic, very therapeutical friend. And I know that it does somehow help him, this all right things I say and do. But the thought in my head is " There is a God/Karma/higher justice. You totally deserve every piece of **** that is happening to you!"

I am old. Old enough that the disapproving tone of the voice from my mom, shouldn't stress me. But it does. It bypases my ratio completely. Slight intonation of being annoyed or being hurt from my mom, and it upsets me in 10 sek.

I wish him to die in a grease fire. He broke so many things in me, made me more insecure, more cynical. Because of him I think, that most men are just somewhere from useless to harmful. Because of him I have troubles to get pregnant.

He has approximately same feelings for me.

But we are grown-ups. We never verbalize this **** with each other. He helped me a lot with technical things and money. I helped him to move and to find a new job and now do my best to support him, because his dad is dying. I am a shine of very empathetic, very therapeutical friend. And I know that it does somehow help him, this all right things I say and do. But the thought in my head is " There is a God/Karma/higher justice. You totally deserve every piece of **** that is happening to you!"

Pfft to acting like a grown-up, if it means to you stuffing all of the hurt and pain.
You need to get past these feelings. They are eating you up inside. I'm not saying that you can't have some sort of relationship, but not if it keeps you hurting inside.

When the pain exceeds the pleasure, it's time to walk. At least until you have come to some sort of acceptance of the past, and are healthy enough to set new boundaries and create new expectations.

The thing is, that I am unforgiving, revengeful *****. I have my distance to him. But the things are still hurting, especially because I have now to deal with consequences of his behavior. The only thing that soothes is to see him in pain. Now instead of trying to inflict pain on him, instead of telling him, which coward and douchebag he is, and how he deserves everything he gets, I try to provide him some comfort. On the first glance that makes no sense. But ... whatever I could tell or do to him now wouldn't give him even 0.001% of pain that life gives to him. He don't care for what he has done to me, so what use is of telling him that. He don't care for me. But he cares a lot for himself, he cares for his father. And exactly in this two points life is kicking him now. And I totally drive some comfort from seeing that. At the same time I do not give him the same satisfaction. He won't see me down.

You are totally right, that the best solution would be to leave him in the past. I can't do it yet. May be when this pregnancy thing is resolved.

edit: "acceptance of the past" - I can't have it. That isn't working.

edit: And I also think, that my problems and hurt, are also kind of higher justice/ deserved. Especially all pain connected with this guy is punishment for being a coward. I was to afraid to be alone to leave him the moment I knew it isn't working. Result: whole thing got HUGELY disfunctional. And I pay for that now.

You are unforgiving and vengeful? To yourself. Some of your posts, like this one, are almost too painful to read.

"You should have known better." This phrase should be stricken from the vocabulary of every parent and teacher everywhere.

I have more to say to you, but I need some time to think how to phrase things.

At this point, I am assuming that he is the cause of your present difficulty (physical) in getting pregnant. But, because you chose to stay with him when you did, you feel that it serves you right. You got what you deserved.

If this is so, it takes my breath away how unforgiving you are to yourself.

At this point, I am assuming that he is the cause of your present difficulty (physical) in getting pregnant. But, because you chose to stay with him when you did, you feel that it serves you right. You got what you deserved.

Precisely.

Have I left him earlier, I would have more time to deal with this issues. Now it is all under time pressure. Next step is IVF.

I don't believe that I am writing it on the internet in a poker forum. Gosh, I am crying and laughing at the same time.

I hesitate. I am an old. Obviously, my thoughts can be seen as dated. I may be seen as not politically correct. Oh well. Never stopped me before.

You have worked like a warrior to get your financial house in order.
Physically, you push your boundaries with exercise and diet. You are relentless in your efforts, and unforgiving of your physical lapses.
Are you so surprised then, that your mind and emotions are filling with the joyous thoughts of love and life, and there is less room for the judgement and pain that is presently taking up all of the space in your psyche?

When you read this, you will either blow it off as being nonsense, or it will resonate with you. If it is your truth, it's time to speak to someone, to help you clear out and let go of some of this. To make room for more important things.

Don't hesitate granddam. Don't censor yourself. And don't force yourself to write here anything. I don't have any expectations here. Somehow you do follow this thread, so it resonates on some level with you. And whatever comes I am completely sure, that you mean it well.

I was laughing, because I find it highly misplaced to write here about IVF and pregnancy and such, but somehow the thoughts just slipped from my brain through my fingers to the keyboard. Pretty much an indication that I don't feel threatened here in any way.

Next week to much to do. Have written a to do list for tomorrow. I think I already have written here, that my brain is completely non-multitasking. It is serial. Just a thought of two tasks at the same time blocks it completely. So a to do list is not bad instrument, to have just one task at the time there. What I do find also helpful, is to divide the the points from my to do list in "contextes". It is an idea from "Getting things done". Basically that you have groups like "Phone calls", "Errands in the downtown", "Things at computer". It saves the time for jumping between different contextes.

I don't get how comes that so many people stay in jobs they hate. There are so many threads here, where people write that they just spent again a day in a soul sucking job, feeling more dead than alive.

I can't say that about me. I mean clearly my job is stressy, and there are many conflict situations, but I like my job. I always had. I have always done exactly what I like for money and the moment stress and conflicts sucked to much, I left in max 6 months direction new job.

How much is my health worth? Especially is it really worth to pay XY for a 10% 40% or 60% probability of improvement on anything?

I don't know. I mean if you have a health problem and there is a guaranteed remedy, then, I think, it is worth anything. But if there is no guarantee?

I am currently paying about 6 to 7 k for a 10% probability of getting pregnant. I have a feeling, that that is a complete rip-off, especially because the doctors don't do much. I do hormonal injections myself, they don't even really control results. I hate that. I feel that I have ZERO control over anything in the whole procedure and I desperately try to get control over something. I know that they have put me on an average dosis of meds, that normally/usually should work OK. But I also know that actually they should procede differently. I HATE THAT.

And I don't have a choice regarding a doctor due to the fricking, stupid, dumb, horrible, dumbest possible, ****ed, *I have to expand my vocabulary of expletives* german law.

I speak three languages pretty OK. English is my weakest, Russian and German are on the native speaker level. In every of this languages there are words, that you can't really translate well. You can describe them with many words, but nuances of the meaning require sometimes a paragraph in one language, for things that can be said with one word in another.

My mom said shortly, that she asks herself, why I am constantly at such "Nadryv" (Russian word used in literature by Dostojevskij and other authors, describes a state of unpleasant high emotional tension. But there are many many many nuances in that word, so that I could write walls of text to really define it. )And it is true. It is how I feel as long as I can remember.

Due to german laws I am on my own in making a number of medical decisions.

The situation in Germany is so, that the only way to get any kind of infertility treatment is to be a part of married heterosexual couple. That is so, because if the doctor helps a single woman or a lesbian couple or any female, who is not officially married to a man, to conceive then he can be made responsible for a child support. Nothing can change that. If I can proof, that I am perfectly able and have financial means to raise a child on my own, does not help. There is no way to get this medical treatment in Germany. Octuplets mom in Germany is not possible.

Consequence for me is that I go to a doctor in scandinavian countries. I have to travel 10 hours to get to an appointment. That has again a consequence that a doctor can not monitor some things the way she should. In addition it is about three times as expensive, as the same treatment in Germany. I mean I can understand the clinic. There are 5 clinics in northern Europe, who provide infertility treatment for all lesbian, single women in Germany and France. They can take basically any money they like, they will still have clients. They also clearly do push the most expensive treatments. They just can not have a proper diagnostic run on me, to eliminate some simple possible causes for not conceiving.

So for me this cyclus is the question do I have a hormonal stimulation or not. And there is no doctor to help me to make this decision. There is no doctor to monitor this. I HATE THAT!

That is a good point for this serenity prayer: Dear God, please help me to have courage and strength to change things, I can. Grand me serenity to accept the things I can't change and wisdom do differentiate between both.

Hi Lapka. So sad to hear about your fertility issues. My own daughter is adopted, after three years of attempting to correct fertility issues, but that occurred over 30 years ago, and medical treatments were in their infancy.

But I do know your pain and frustration. And the guilt I felt at the time. I'm wondering if you have considered the option of freezing your eggs? I've only read about this briefly, but it seems to be an option that's available.

Store them now, at a younger age, to increase the chances of a healthy birth if you delay pregnancy until later.