Jeff Toobin's fetish is too-hot-to-print. Outing Anderson is a national pastime and Barbara Walters has more sex than you do. If gravitas, hairspray, and that thousand-mile teleprompter gaze are your thing, here's your dossier for meth-smoking, anal-fisting, camera-loving news anchors.

In the Things We Want To Unlearn department, we have now heard what the Daily News couldn't…
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Last weekend The New York Daily News reported that CNN legal analyst Jeff Toobin's sweet nothings were too dirty to print in a "family newspaper," and caused one woman to say, "I couldn't believe my ears. It was so disgusting. At the time, I never even knew people did that." After a rousing game of "guess that fetish," Foster thinks he figured it out—but the whole affair got us to thinking: The news anchor's necessary embrace of confidence, narcissism, and taking oneself very, very seriously makes for the perfect storm of splashy, sordid sex fiends. And, they're in your living room every night!

Anderson Cooper: CNN AnchorOrientation: Glass-closet gayTurn-ons:Firemen, Benjamin Maisani's biceps, club kids, bicycles built for two, saving humanity.Turn-offs:Admitting the obvious.How to seduce: Slide down the brass pole in his firehouse, work yourself to a lather about the plight of Haiti, then jump on a banquette with a pack of gay scenesters and begin gyrations. You're competing with Maisani, though, so you will probably lose.

Overlord Nick Denton was so tickled to learn that CNN anchor and well-known gay guy Anderson…
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Lara Logan: CBS News' Chief Foreign Affairs CorrespondentOrientation: Straight, prone to love trianglesTurn-ons: Reporting from Baghdad, Logan ended up in a love triangle so complex, it was more like a prism: Two men—one a married State Department contractor, the other a CNN reporter—plus a bitter ex-wife freak-out, plus her own estranged husband. So I'm thinking drama, power, close proximity and dangerous geopolitical environments are Lara's favorite things.Turn-offs: Be nice to her baby, born amid mama's stormy sex scandal, with all kinds of media watchers breathing heavily through the third trimester.How to seduce Work your way up the ladder in an international bureau where war and terrorism run rampant. The hotties will come to you. Proffer war loot in lieu of flowers.

Apparently some CBS execs saw their foreign correspondent Lara Logan on The Daily Show last week,…
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Bill O'Reilly: Fox News Anchor, Chief Antagonizer of LiberalsOrientation: Straight, bicurious for Greek cuisine, into polyamoryTurn-ons: I can do no better than The Smoking Gun's one-year falafel anniversary summary: "vibrators, phone sex, threesomes, masturbation, Caribbean shower fantasies, a Thai sex show, falafel, stewardess trysts, vehicular coupling, and Al Franken." Wait, what about "big boobs," oral sex, subordinates, talking about his penis. O'Reilly's libido: Vast as space, timeless as infinity.Turn-offs: Nothing, actually. He doesn't even mind liberals, as long as they have vaginas.How to seduce: Billo does not get seduced. Billo seduces. And if he aims his powers of seduction at you, there is unfortunately nothing you can do, other than press charges.

Richard Quest: CNN ReporterOrientation: Gay, stranger-sex-friendlyTurn-ons: His 2008 Central Park meth bust revealed a passion for bondage (rope tied around his genitals), erotic asphyxiation (same rope was also around his neck, think "kinky bolo tie"), insertables (carried a dildo in his boot), all of which suggests one of those old-fashioned gay bacchanalia milieus, like they had back when Edmund White was a young, hot whippersnapper.Turn-offs: Kissing and telling. After going through rehab and making a comeback, Quest is presumably high on only life, now—and lamenting the loss of "prih-vuh-see." (That's British for "privacy.")How to seduce: Tap twice in a public restroom. Pretend you don't recognize him.

When selecting a mate, Barbara Walters did not limit herself to utterly reprehensible closet cases. …
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Collin O'Neal, CNN iReport Citizen JournalistOrientation: Gay, capable of keeping erections for long periods of time in front of rolling camerasTurn-ons: Sure, he's not an anchor yet, but he's got the best wet t-shirt look at CNN, so if cable news is still trying to win back young demographics (and if they want to just quit while they're ahead, who blames 'em) this man is your future! And, yes, he's a gay porn star. Which means the performative part of his sex life is well-documented.Turn-offs:Catty queens.How to seduce: You'll need a studio and klieg lights. The man is a professional.