Chat Server Project & Tutorial | WiFi-remote-control sailboat (building) | Joke Thread
ôRational thinkers deplore the excesses of democracy; it abuses the individual and elevates the mob. The death of Socrates was its finest fruit.ö
Use XXX in a comment to flag something that is bogus but works. Use FIXME to flag something that is bogus and broken. Use TODO to leave yourself reminders. Calling a program finished before all these points are checked off is lazy.
-Partial Credit: Sun

If I ask you to redescribe your problem, it's because when you describe issues in detail, you often get a *click* and you suddenly know the solutions.
Ches Koblents

A girl's first time

A girl's first time!!
------------------------------------------------------------
It's your first time.
As you lie back your muscles tighten.
You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,
but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.
He has had more experience,
but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.
He probes deeply and you shiver;
your body tenses;but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and
tells you to trust him - he's done this many times before.
His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider
to give him more room for an easy entrance.
You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he
slowly takes his time, wanting to cause
you as little pain as possible. As he presses
closer,going deeper, you feel the tissue give way;
pain surges throughout your body and you
feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He
looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.
Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake
your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill but you
are now too numb to feel him within you.
After a few moments,you feel something
bursting within you and he pulls it out of you,you lay
panting,glad to have it over.
He looks at you and
smiling warmly,tells you, with a chuckle; that you
have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding
experience.

You smile and thank your DENTIST. After all,it was
your first time to have a TOOTH pulled. Naughty,
Naughty! What were you thinkin'? PERVERT I know what
you were thinking!

Comments on this post

ryjyd agrees
: I love that joke... I've heard it, but thanks for reminding me that I heard it.

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.
My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Comments on this post

dotancohen agrees
: hehehehehheheheheheheheheheheh

The No Ma'am commandments:

1.) It is O.K. to call hooters 'knockers' and sometimes snack trays
2.) It is wrong to be French
3.) It is O.K. to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder
4.) Lawyers, see rule 3
5.) It is O.K. to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes
6.) Everyone should car pool but me
7.) Bring back the word 'stewardesses'
8.) Synchronized swimming is not a sport
9.) Mud wrestling is a sport

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items
the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote
control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
shopping with me,and I
figured this was the most evil thing I could do to
him legally."

------------------------------------------------------------------------
---
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

------------------------------------------------------------------------
---
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day..
30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything
to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked,
"What?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------
---
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you
can be so stupid and
so beautiful all at the same time.

" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to
me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

------------------------------------------------------------------------
---
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee
each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we dont
have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should
do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait
for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that
the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the
top of several pages, that it indeed
says.........."HEBREWS"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he
ould need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she
would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover
it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go
and see why his wife hadnt wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper
by the bed.

After a Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

"America's abundance was created not by public sacrifices to "the common good," but by the productive genius
of free men who pursued their own personal interests and the making of their own private fortunes. They did not
starve the people to pay for America's industrialization. They gave the people better jobs, higher wages and
cheaper goods with every new machine they invented, with every scientific discovery or technological advance --
and thus the whole country was moving forward and profiting, not suffering, every step of the way."
--Ayn Rand

I'll say it now......this is pretty bad........

Comments on this post

Dictionary agrees
: I was gonna post this, but you already posted it. Good for you! lol

The No Ma'am commandments:

1.) It is O.K. to call hooters 'knockers' and sometimes snack trays
2.) It is wrong to be French
3.) It is O.K. to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder
4.) Lawyers, see rule 3
5.) It is O.K. to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes
6.) Everyone should car pool but me
7.) Bring back the word 'stewardesses'
8.) Synchronized swimming is not a sport
9.) Mud wrestling is a sport

Dude... That isn't even the original picture... Just someone using the other picture for the idea.

Whatever.

Chat Server Project & Tutorial | WiFi-remote-control sailboat (building) | Joke Thread
ôRational thinkers deplore the excesses of democracy; it abuses the individual and elevates the mob. The death of Socrates was its finest fruit.ö
Use XXX in a comment to flag something that is bogus but works. Use FIXME to flag something that is bogus and broken. Use TODO to leave yourself reminders. Calling a program finished before all these points are checked off is lazy.
-Partial Credit: Sun

If I ask you to redescribe your problem, it's because when you describe issues in detail, you often get a *click* and you suddenly know the solutions.
Ches Koblents

3 guys are walking on the beach of an island, because their ship crashed, and they're stranded. They're the only survivors. Suddenly, a tribe of cannibals come rushing at them. They can't get away! The cannibals carry them back to their tribe. The leader says to the men: "Go out, find some fruits, and bring them back." They go (accompanied by gaurds) to find fruits. Two of the guys come back, one with cherries, the other with blueberries. The leader says to them: "Stick these one by one, up your butt, without making noise, or any sudden movements." The guy with cherries tries, but he sneezes on about his 5th one, so they kill him and eat him. The second guy (with the blueberries) tries, but about 3/4 of the way through, he laughs, so they kill him and eat him.

So the two guys are up at heavens gate, and the first says to the second: "What happened man, why'd you laugh?" The second respondes: "I saw the third guy coming back with watermelons."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table. The Lockets take one look at jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly baby blood. He then turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me?"

Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree met on a coach journey. It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar; he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said. "I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. Ms Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he decided to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising...So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbert and gave her a Gob Stopper. Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with All Sorts.

The No Ma'am commandments:

1.) It is O.K. to call hooters 'knockers' and sometimes snack trays
2.) It is wrong to be French
3.) It is O.K. to put all bad people in a giant meat grinder
4.) Lawyers, see rule 3
5.) It is O.K. to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes
6.) Everyone should car pool but me
7.) Bring back the word 'stewardesses'
8.) Synchronized swimming is not a sport
9.) Mud wrestling is a sport

Quick Witted

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but *****s and hockey players up there."