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Topic: With "Friends" Like These... But Is He Right? (Read 20093 times)

So your ex was "Good Time Charlie" on your dime the entire marriage? His friends are used to him having endless cash flow and don't want that to change. Too bad. You are not responsible for his (or their) good times any more.

My jaw is on the floor. Good for you OP for not caving in. Those inner doubts are vestiges of your doormat days. Continue growing that spine. (It takes time, I know...)

That said, I think you should spell it out for him that you are not going to pay for your XH's activities (or DD's) unless XH works it out with you in advance. Furthermore, any financial transactions are between you and XH and you will not be giving money to a third party.

However, I do worry somewhat that the friends might take it out on your DD. It might be worthwhile to agree to pay for half of DD's admission this time (emphasizing that you will not in the future unless you've made prior arrangements). Bonus: if you look into it and realize that DD is young enough that she should have been admitted for free, you can act completely baffled that XH would have borrowed money for DD when he didn't need it.

"XH did not make prior arrangements for me to fund this excursion. He is not my dependent, so I'm not going to fund his activities unless we work something out ahead of time. In the future, I'd like him to discuss admission for our daughter ahead of time. I don't want you to resent paying for my DD, so I'll reimburse you for half of her admission this time. I'll call the water park and have a check in the mail as soon as I can. In the future, though, don't assume that I have agreed to pay for activities that don't involve me. If XH needs to borrow money, it's between you and him. It doesn't involve me."

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That said, I think you should spell it out for him that you are not going to pay for your XH's activities (or DD's) unless XH works it out with you in advance. Furthermore, any financial transactions are between you and XH and you will not be giving money to a third party.

However, I do worry somewhat that the friends might take it out on your DD. It might be worthwhile to agree to pay for half of DD's admission this time (emphasizing that you will not in the future unless you've made prior arrangements). Bonus: if you look into it and realize that DD is young enough that she should have been admitted for free, you can act completely baffled that XH would have borrowed money for DD when he didn't need it.

"XH did not make prior arrangements for me to fund this excursion. He is not my dependent, so I'm not going to fund his activities unless we work something out ahead of time. In the future, I'd like him to discuss admission for our daughter ahead of time. I don't want you to resent paying for my DD, so I'll reimburse you for half of her admission this time. I'll call the water park and have a check in the mail as soon as I can. In the future, though, don't assume that I have agreed to pay for activities that don't involve me. If XH needs to borrow money, it's between you and him. It doesn't involve me."

I disagree. Please don't do this! If you do, any words you speak pertaining to how finances will be handled going forward will go unheard, and both STBX and his buddies will continue to see you as an easy mark.

STBX and you are divorcing soon. You have no obligation to give him 'fun money'. I don't recall seeing how old the baby was, but very young children are often free or reduced price and don't eat much food so the exorbitant price probably included ex's ticket, food, and other stuff.

It sounds like ex and ex-friend deserve each other. I bet ex-friend is going to disappear when his formerly 'generous' (on your dollar) 'great guy' of a buddy suddenly is hitting him up for money. Ex-friend was a jerk for insulting you after you refused to pay. If friend resented spending that much money, he should have told ex 'no'. If he did decide to spend the money on ex, he certainly shouldn't expect you to pay it back. I wonder if ex's friends will still think he's a 'great guy' when he continues to hit them up for spending money? I'm glad to see you used your spine. Unless ordered by a court, your don't owe your ex a cent. I like LifeonPluto's statement. If they continue to bug you after you say that, you are not rude to hang up and block their number.

Reading this story, it sounds like your ex is an immature 14 year old boy who wants mommy to pay for his fun.

Not in a 'what are you going to do today?' or 'of course she can go to the park' way or 'if your friends are going on your visitation day why don't you and baby go as well as' way but a 'Take babymoss to the waterpark on Tuesday' way or 'I can't swim so next time you go can you take her'

I disagree that you should pay a single penny, no matter what, even if you suggested the outing. If you start down that path, you will be on it forever. When your child is with him, he pays, period. He has to learn that now.

However, is he right and do I owe him the cost of Babymoss' attendance?

No, he is not right, and likely deep down he knows it. It's simply easier to hound you than it is to hound the "Great Guy" who probably lavished generosity on him in the past - and reminders of past generosity may well be how your STBX got everyone to pay for him at the water park to begin with, which may be the reason this guy isn't comfortable trying to get the money back from STBX instead of you.

I took a deep breath, remembered this board, and said, "No." I had to listen to a bunch of reasons why I was supposed to, and while I didn't JADE, I did ask him a few questions that were probably not e-hell approved, like, "Did you tell STBXH all of this while paying for him?" and "Why would I pay you for something I didn't attend?" Friend actually told me that I had to at the very least pay him the cost of Babymoss' attendance, but I refused that, too

Actually, I don't think that those questions are non e-hell approved--they seem to be perfectly polite (albeit sans sugar-coating).

I'm in agreement with the contingent that says "continue to say no" to any reimbursement whatsoever, and should anyone dare to ask you again, just say that is something they'll have to take up with Babymoss's father. I would not offer *any* reimbursement and any attempts to get you to pay even a portion should be met with the broken-record "You need to discuss this with STBX, it's his obligation to repay you, not mine."

I'm sure my ex paints me evil to some, too. You basically have to just take the attitude that anyone who thinks ill of you because of things your ex says is a pitiable idiot but that your doctor ordered you on a low-idiot lifestyle.

That said, I think you should spell it out for him that you are not going to pay for your XH's activities (or DD's) unless XH works it out with you in advance. Furthermore, any financial transactions are between you and XH and you will not be giving money to a third party.

However, I do worry somewhat that the friends might take it out on your DD. It might be worthwhile to agree to pay for half of DD's admission this time (emphasizing that you will not in the future unless you've made prior arrangements). Bonus: if you look into it and realize that DD is young enough that she should have been admitted for free, you can act completely baffled that XH would have borrowed money for DD when he didn't need it.

"XH did not make prior arrangements for me to fund this excursion. He is not my dependent, so I'm not going to fund his activities unless we work something out ahead of time. In the future, I'd like him to discuss admission for our daughter ahead of time. I don't want you to resent paying for my DD, so I'll reimburse you for half of her admission this time. I'll call the water park and have a check in the mail as soon as I can. In the future, though, don't assume that I have agreed to pay for activities that don't involve me. If XH needs to borrow money, it's between you and him. It doesn't involve me."

I disagree. Please don't do this! If you do, any words you speak pertaining to how finances will be handled going forward will go unheard, and both STBX and his buddies will continue to see you as an easy mark.

Seconded. If you buckle to this, he will expect you to keep on funding his fun.

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If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,Five things observe with care,To whom you speak,Of whom you speak,And how, and when, and where.Caroline Lake Ingalls

I have to wonder if STBX and Friend were in cahoots to get you to fund their fun...

I'd bet this month's mortgage payment on that.

POD, or that while the friends enjoyed STBX's "great-guy" largesse over the years, they knew you were the one bankrolling it. So now they're going to the bank to make sure their friendship with STBX can continue to get funding.