Fluidity, continual motion and the importance of really decent movement right from the back. The Fiver has long appreciated all these things, even more so since the start of its three-week mini-break at the somewhat cramped traditional Austrian guest apartment of its Teutonic bubble-permed third cousin Funfzer von Teezeite-Ho-Ho - a sojourn which has involved the consumption of cake, cold meat, goose fat spread and huge weepy slices of cheese at breakfast every morning. So it was that the sight of the twinkle-toed Dutch thoroughly doing over a bunch of gloomy-looking world champions in Berne was almost enough to bring a tear to the Fiver's eye.

Such feelings were apparently shared by terribly depressed-looking Italy keeper-captain Gianluigi Bouffant. "Against Holland we have played the worst game since I joined the national team 12 years ago," Bouffant sniffed after his team's 3-0 fondue-ing, somehow not quite striking the right note. Predictably, the Dutch - whose tactical masterplan of deploying one vast loping giant, a goal-hanger and several gnome-like scamperers is already being hailed in the Fiver's underground suite as a masterstroke - were a bit more jolly. "To win 3-0 against Italy, a team with so much experience and quality in their team, we didn't expect that," said coach Marco van Basten, managing to sound a lot like the smug bloke in the roll-neck sweater off the Fast show, who used to say "... which was nice" all the time.

"The whole team gave a performance and then to win 3-0, it is a fantastic, historical performance," he added, running his fingers through his weird new creepy serial-killer haircut. Quite right too. Italy may have spent the last week lounging around their Super-Grossen Vienna Hotel Suite eating hand-peeled schnitzel and practicing their bobbing podium huddle, but it looks like Marco has been taking the "group of death" extremely seriously, right down to the crazed stare and Lee Harvey Oswald short-sleeved shirt. Creepy stuff indeed. In fact, the Fiver's going to put its mask back on now and get into its heavy oak chest again. Turn the lights out, will you, cousin Funfzer? ... Cousin Funfzer?

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QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I hope things go well for him at Tottenham, that he gets the minutes he wasn't given at Barcelona and that he shows what he can do. He is a very good player and let's hope he can then move on to a better team" - Arsenal's Carlos Vela welcomes his fellow Mexican Giovani dos Santos to north London.

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FROM CARDIFF TO CARLING (CUP)

Everybody likes to feel wanted, so it came as no surprise to the Fiver today when, one week after Manchester United loudly declared that they had agreed a deal with Cardiff to sign Aaron Ramsey, Ramsey turned round and told them he'd rather sign for Arsenal. Sir Alex Ferguson has been holidaying in Europe, you see, but assumed a signed photograph and complimentary tour of the Old Trafford car park would be sufficient to seal the deal. Arsene's Arsenal Wenger, however, simply laid on a private jet so Ramsey could come visit him in Switzerland.

"Cardiff City were informed on Friday morning that Aaron Ramsey's preferred destination this summer is at the Emirates Stadium," read a statement on Cardiff's website today, struggling under the weight of its own gravitas. "We will now continue the dialogue with the Gunners with a view to Aaron's move being completed."

Ramsey, who also turned down a move to Everton, will become the ninth teenager in Arsenal's first-team squad and will not return to Cardiff on loan next season - something he would have done under the terms of the deal Cardiff had agreed with United. Both Wenger and the Gunners' own website, however, remained stoically silent over the player's imminent arrival. Which is fair enough really. After all, the Carling Cup doesn't even kick off again for another two months.

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THE RUMOUR MILL

Stewart Downing and Nicklas Bendtner keep sticking their heads into the dreams of Liverpool fans and turning them into nightmares.

Human Rights FC's Chinese utility man Sun Jihai will be broadening his horizons, looking for new dawns and enduring other solar-powered puns in either Bolton or Stoke next season.

Aston Villa and West Ham have gone down the amusement arcade with mallets in their hand, waiting for Andrew Johnson's bald pate to pop up out of a hole.

Fulham's Jimmy Bullard. Bolton Wanderers. £3m. You do the math.

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NEWS IN BRIEF

The decision to allow Ruud van Nistelrooy's 'offside' goal last night was the correct one, according to Uefa general secretary David Taylor. "If we did not have this interpretation then what could happen is the defending team could step off the pitch to play offside and that is clearly unacceptable." Clearly.

Rafa Benítez says he'll stay put at Anfield despite the carelessness of Tom Hicks and George Gillett, who have lost £33m since their takeover of Liverpool.

Yet another day of tough love for jailbird Joey Barton with Newcastle offering him severely reduced wages or the sack.

Guardian scout Steve Claridge has been given a six-month jail sentence, suspended for two years, for dangerous driving.

Fenerbahçe manager Zico won't be so concerned about finding that elusive cedilla on his keyboard now that he's left the Turkish club.

Gregg Roughley talks balls. Ha ha, not for the first time, eh? Arf, arf etc and so on.

It's too soon to wave the white flag just yet, says Paul Doyle, but a ZZ-free France need to find some form ... and find it fast.

Almost live from the Gösser Bierklinik in Vienna, James Richardson and barely alive Barry Glendenning star in the latest episode of Football Daily.

And in tomorrow's Big Paper: David Hytner reports on Spain v Russia and Daniel Taylor lays out a smorgasbord of analysis on a smashed plate following Greece's game versus Sweden; Fight! Fight! Fight! Dominic Fifield looks ahead to Switzerland's clash against Turkey; and there'll no doubt be the usual TV listings, weather and world news.

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FIVER LETTERS

"Re: Alan Redhead's assertion that Scots' interest in Euro 2008 will increase because England are not present [yesterday's Fiver letters]. I say quite the opposite - loyal Scots have had interest at least up to the quarters in recent tournaments: who will they cheer to win on pens this time?" - Mike Barrie.

"Surely the author of [yesterday's] letter was working under a pseudonym which made a light-hearted stereotypical reference to our ginger-wigged Scottish brethren - or is his name really A Redhead?" - John Wood.

"Presumably the drunk man from Belfast [yesterday's quote of the day] failed to recognise the Fiver" - Martin Perks.

"After watching the hugely interesting and informative video clip of your intrepid podcasters in Vienna I would hazard a guess that 'TV's Barry Glendenning' is a phrase not likely to trouble the Fiver subeditors anytime soon. Nice face for a podcast though" - Laurie Smith.

"Imagine my shock when the Fiver arrived 22 minutes early in my inbox this Monday tea-time. Then I remembered that Fiver staff had decamped to Europe and the email was therefore the usual 38 minutes late" - Samuel Baker (and 1,057 others).