It was always my dream to own a trenchcoat. A gorgeous, camel colored trenchcoat. I think they are classic and sophisticated looking. And for years, they didn’t make them in my size, and if they did, they were not flattering – it looked more like a big ass camel colored tent.

So, last fall, I decided that I was going to reward myself with one for the spring. I ordered a lovely trenchcoat, size 14, from Chadwicks. It came shortly and it was beautiful. Gorgeous. And too small last fall. But that’s ok – it was a spring coat.

And my body has changed in six months. I’ve lost body fat and inches, even if the pounds have been creeping off slowly.

Besides, it’s a Spring Coat. Meant for warmer weather. Which we have not had. Until this weekend. It is supposed to be nearly 70 degrees today before I leave work, and it was nearly 50 this morning. Now, I had tried the coat on a few times this winter, just to see….but it was always a bit tight and kind of gaping a the buttons. No pretty.

But this morning, I crossed my fingers and thought, “What the hell?” And I put my beautiful camel colored trenchcoat on.

And it fit!!!!

Size 14!!! A REGULAR size 14. Not a plus sized 14. REGULAR. From a shop that runs small!! (I can wear some 14s already…but my coat…my beautiful coveted coat…well, I knew it was going to run small because Chadwicks does). And it looks great. And I felt grown up. Now, I know that sounds funny coming from a 38 year old woman who has 8 grandkids…but I felt like a grown up.

You see, when you are fat, you feel like you are perpetually dining at the kids table. A metaphore so to speak. As if to say, I want all those pretty grown up sophisticated things, but they don’t fit, and therefore I have to settle for wearing clothes that look as if they were designed for a 70 year old woman to wear on a cruise, or items that were made by Tessie the Tent Maker. The constant wearing of clothing from the Kid’s Table.

Every now and then, I’ll catch a reflection of myself – either in a mirror, or a window – and am surprised to realize that it’s me. Once in a while, I’ll glance down at my lap while seated and actually see a lap. Occasionally, I’ll look down at my feet and legs and marvel at how, well, “normal” I look.

Mentally, that fat girl is still there poking fun at me. Sometimes it’s hard for my brain to digest the fact that my boobs (which even when I was fat were a small C cup) actually stick out farther than my stomach does now. It’s completely wild for me to see collar bones, or the tendons in my neck, hands and feet. It amazes me to see that I actually have slender fingers.

It makes me feel normal. I’ve never felt normal.

Things are so different for me today than they were one year ago. I can sit on the bus and instead of spilling over into the seat next to me having to sit with one cheek on the seat and one cheek hanging in the aisle, now I don’t even take up an entire seat. I can walk the six blocks from the bus stop to work without getting winded. In fact, I don’t feel the strain at all – it almost feels as if I’m floating. I don’t feel as if I have to apologize to people for taking up more than my allotted space on the sidewalk, elevator or bus. I can go up the stairs in my house without feeling as if I’m going to pass out. When I go to the gym, I no longer feel as if everyone is staring at me wondering what in the heck the fat chick is doing there. I’m no longer the largest person in the room. I’m smaller than my husband. I have bones and muscles. I have self-confidence.

When I set out on this journey in April of 2009, I honestly felt deep down that even this wasn’t going to work. I was doomed to be fat – destined to be ridiculed, to be sick, to die young. Now, even with all the possibilities that lie ahead of me, what feels best now is feeling NORMAL.

Over the weekend, my mom had asked me what I wanted for Christmas, and I told her that she didn’t have to give me anything – we’d like to keep our Christmas spending to the children this year – which is still expensive seeing that we have eight grandchildren and a brand new great nephew that I lump in with the grandkids. But she said she’d already gotten my sister something, and felt it was only fair. I told her I honestly didn’t need or want anything, but I’d think about it. So two nights ago, she called me and with great pride said she’d figured out what she was going to give me for Christmas this year. $100 to spend on a pair of “sexy” boots. I had mentioned that I’d like to get a pair, since they never fit on my calves before. She said she wanted me to pick them out, but that’s what she wanted to give me. Then, with a catch in her throat, she said that she was sorry that all my life I’d had to dress like an old woman. I deserved to have some sexy things.

I woke up to a beautiful day, and after three days of exercising inside, I’m heading back up to Havre de Grace for a walk at the pier today. It’s chilly, but that’s ok…I love the fresh air and to see the beauty of the Bay as I’m walking.

I have found the walking to be so beneficial. It gives me time alone with my thoughts – and time to plan my day. Today will be a good day. I’m cleaning this morning because my girlfriend is coming over for a craft day/girls’ day today. Her boyfriend Mike is off hunting with my husband, so we can do girly things. Cleaning is great exercise as well.

I had a NSV last night. When I got home from my Mom’s, I decided to try on some 22/24s that I had tried on last week that were still too small. This included 4 blouses and a pair of jeans (without lycra). I put the blouses on, and although they are still a bit tight, I can wear them, so I should be able to be comfortable in them in a could of weeks. I also tried on the jeans. The last time I tried them on (which was only about a week and a half ago) there was no way they fit.

So, last night, I pulled them on, got them up over my hips (farther than they went before) and thought, “There is no way these are going to even button.” And then low and behold, they buttoned. And then I though, “They are tight, there’s no way they are going to zip.” I sucked it in a bit, and boom, they zipped. OMG they zipped. O.M.G. They were tight, there’s no question about that, but they fit!!!! In a week I’m figuring they’ll actually be a little more comfortable.