I started thinking what does this me too lesson mean to me as a mom. I often ponder the take-away and deeper lesson in things. People started posting “me too” as a status on social media last week in response to recent headlines concerning sexual abuse of women. Although deeply personal, I felt that it was important to post “me too” as well. To illustrate the cause intended. I didn't add my own story or take. The most difficult abuse I have faced was what stood out in my mind initially. But, it was too raw and intimate to share in this way. The more this subject poured across my newsfeed and my mind returned to it, the more that subtle causes of sexual abuse and degradation of the feminine stood out to me. The point of the me too post was to show just how prevalent and also silent of a snake sexual abuse is in our society. And the reason it matters is because we want to look at our daughters and be able to say “not her” and look at our sons and be able to say “not him” So, how can we fix this problem, by finding the root of it.

The thing about First world problems is that they are hidden. We have hunger here. We have extreme poverty here. We have torture and oppression here. It is systematic and there are laws that keep it going. The difference is that it is hidden. It is silent. It is ignored and denied. This denial and covering up of our problems is a sadly rampant social disease we face. We cover up with lies, excuses, drugs, money: transactions that keep people quiet. Things like police brutality, mental health and chemicals in our foods to sexual misconduct and abuse are all kept under the radar and off of media while our focus is placed on sensational, materialistic and emerging trends.

So this issue of sexual abuse, it is an undeniably huge problem, and one head of a larger monster. Not only is this denial and excuse response being drilled down onto women (and men) from above. We inhabit it within ourselves. We view it as normal. We are brainwashed to deny and make excuses for things that in all sensibilities should be nothing less than egregious. Leaving our feelings stuffed inside, our brains feeling insane, curtailing our ability to serve in our world, flooding our bodies with antidepressants, stoking anxiety and anger. And this applies to men too. The men committing these acts are brainwashed just as equally to act toward women as if they are superior and objectify women’s bodies. Men are taught to fear a woman’s power but to recklessly throw his own around whenever he wants something. Men are discouraged from expressing their emotions and encouraged to express aggression. Women are taught to please others and hide every other emotion. Women appear in images as sexual objects but are equally jeered for expressing sexuality and confidence.

The message to women: you are an object of affection and to be used for other’s pleasure, but you are not to celebrate your own power, pleasure, beauty and self. Stuff your unpleasant feelings and true desires, including femininity deep, deep down within where it can fester into poor self esteem, unhealthy sense of self, disorders and depression. The lesson to men; you are an object of money making power, to use others for pleasure and to get ahead, not to express any sensitivities, compassion, love or fears. But to stuff them inside where they can fester into damaging mental health and unhealthy expressions of sexuality and anger.

This translates into “me too” in a systematic way for both men and women. Because we know the most prevalent symptom. We know when we get that final diagnosis of the social cancer; what it looks and sounds like and how one cannot deny its destruction. We know the terms: rape, molestation, abuse. Do we know the causes? Do we prevent them? Do we see them or deny them? Do we look the other way or worse contribute actively without even maybe realizing it? I would say that as a society, as a whole 110%.

While these are my personal responses to ‘me too’, I would bet not ONE person could not say me too to at least one of these, in your own version of how it resonates true in your own life.

The thing is, most of these are so subtle yet powerfully deadly to the emergence of femininity, equality and humane treatment across gender. The point being, we must pull these weeds before they manifest into impossible to ignore and deeply hurtful effects.

Me too-when my father felt he needed to abandon his kids and go into the world seeking power, money and fame yet he is the most kind, sensitive warm hearted man I’ve ever known.

Me too-when my brother was shamed for his kindness, and artistic, sensitive soul.

Me too-when my girlfriends started turning their backs on me, as my value as friend became nothing in comparison to the threat of “stealing” their boyfriends, which I had no intention of doing but that didn’t matter.

Me too-When I too couldn’t see past that threat of women being predators and men being helpless victims to their attraction to others, or the reverse. Both notions not holding ownership for a person and his or her own choices.

Me too-every time I heard a woman hate the other woman and forgive the man, in words actions and deed, in response to betrayal.

Me too-when my boss said just sit there and look pretty with a wink, to me asking to be trained at a job he was paying me for, in fact it was my first job and I was about 13 years old.

Me too-when that same boss would say, you’re lucky you’re cute when I would mess up instead of teaching me how to improve.

Me too-when at my second job, now age 16, I asked for the position of cook and was told I’m too pretty for that and they gave me the position of cashier

Me too-when I felt awkward and ashamed around my bosses his wife as if I were somehow the problem and I questioned if my shorts were too short or my top too tight.

Me too-when working as a waitress and bartender and had to take endless thoughtless derogatory comments from men about my looks, my smile, my personality. Nothing was off the table and I was told many times to ignore it and smile even though it crushed me inside.

Me too-when a drama coach in middle school would wink at me and pat my back, and make comments about my looks until I quit the school play, walked away and never went on a stage again.

Me too-ten years old at camp and called a prude and also a slut and up until then had no idea what either word meant, yet suddenly as a not even matured girl had to reconcile those terms into my identity.

Me too-every time I bought and read a fashion magazine with a half-naked girl on the cover

And read it-

And internalized it-

And fed my low self-esteem with it-

And every time I straightened my curly hair to get “his” approval-

And lost weight to be loved

And gained weight to be liked

And every time I thought my worth was reflected in “his approval” not my own-

And every time I tried to hide my looks so I others would notice my personality or thoughts instead-

And every time I thought I needed to cut my hair short to PROVE I don’t need to look feminine, even though at the same time I am supposed to embrace my femininity, but somehow quieter, and in the corner where no one can hear.

And every time I read a princess story where the man’s love and approval and place of power was the girl’s happily ever after

And every time I cheered at my high school football games in a short skirt and the players broke through the paper banner we held for them to tear through as they entered the field grunting in aggression at the opposing team.

And in high school when my math teacher told me I was a girl so it didn’t matter when I didn’t know how to do the equations.

And in college, when it became really clear that women’s studies are a subject in a book and men study books to create today’s story and tomorrow’s history.

And even in my generation post women’s right movement, I heard that girls go to college to earn an MRS (find a good husband) and men to earn a degree.

And every time I spoke up in a meeting at my job and literally got ignored or at best a courtesy smile.

And every time a male colleague spoke up in that same meeting saying almost the same thing and got emphatic nods, and pats on the back.

And when that male colleague got promoted.

And when I had kids and my job became mommy and i became virtually invisible to society, friends even family at time because of how undervalued the job of motherhood is even though it is the epitome of feminity.

And when I started a business and because I was also a mother, my ability to perform was totally unsupported and ignored in terms of how much time and energy I had to give.

And yet when I see Dads in typical women dominated roles like parenting receive excessive praise for things like changing diapers, making dinner and pushing the baby in the stroller.

And every time I got dressed in the morning having to consider if it made me fit in and be accepted, or be targeted.

And the fact that the questions I am taught to ask are how to get others to accept me, not how to I accept myself, and is there a man around I need to be afraid of, not what other people will I meet and collaborate with or connect with in general, and what do my looks say? Not what can my voice say? These are the questions we are brainwashed to ask for every single move we make.

I could go on and on and on with just about one example from every hour of my life. And that is not an exaggeration. It is because these ideas and practices are so deeply ingrained into our ways of life. But, the beautiful thing is that these ideas are now being unearthed. We are beginning, to examine these ideas and see what is really going on. I think we are headed in the right direction. Because, we have another generation of boys and girls that need to not have to have this conversation anymore.

We have so much work to do. We have so many conversations to have. And the point of all this? So we can say not her for our daughters and not him for our sons.

I have a love/hate relationship with this word. I am fiercely tied to language. I come from a long line of literary and English mavens and lovers. I relate to words as if my being depends on the interweaving of their definition and manifestation into life. I want to define mompreneur. But, the definition has already been designated.

I want to discuss what it means to be one, in real life. I want to map out the intricacies of the minute-to-minute that is this life.

To begin with, the broadest scope of this word is a mom who creates and maintains a business venture, large or small. There are some things that do not exist in small. Motherhood and business being two of them. Both of these journeys are full time expeditions. They have no time boundaries. They have no cost boundaries. They have no boundaries on one’s mental, emotional and physical capacities. They both hold this sort of infinite realm of growth, possibility, scope and depth. No two days are alike. Imagine a combination of both in one life. There is a part of me that dislikes this word because it somehow feels as if it demotes the mom or the entrepreneur aspect. Similar to the term, boss babe. In my opinion,a boss need not be sexy, cute or babelicious in any form. A boss need not carry a special term that highlights her femininity and her distinction from her male counterpart; particularly a distinction related to sex and beauty. Babe is defined as an innocent or inexperienced person by dictionary.com. So with all due respect to those who use the term bossbabe, because many of them perform truly phenomenal work. I cannot understand the notion to choose this particular label and the coining of this phrase strikes a chord in me.

And what about mompreneur?

Do we need to drop the entire definition and replace it with just mom and business owner?

In relation to that desire to promote all things equally I would say, no. However, I must say on this one. YES, yes and Hell fucking YES! And here is why mompreneurs are an ENTIRELY different breed than entrepreneurs.

Let me tell you a story.

Once Upon a Time a mompreneur wakes up and creeps around in her house to get early morning work done because if she wakes a child her work time is squashed. Done. Finite. Morning work not done. Or she wakes to the sound of babies crying, older children making breakfast, or toddler climbing over her face.

An entrepreneur (according to most of the awesome and successful ones who blog and dole out life advice) awaken to a blissful morning routine specifically designed to enhance her chi, karma, productivity, stamina and flow of abundance. She stretches leisurely to yogic chanting and sound bells and basks in the morning sun. She pours organic coffee that raises her vibration because its fair trade and spiked with ghee and love. She carefully crafts a daily to-do list over a green smoothie and power bowl breakfast.

10 am: Baby wakes up from nap crying nice and loud and toddler crashing into the room alerting mompreneur that her hour (now reduced to fifteen minutes) of productive time is now screeching to a painful halt. Forget that she carefully intended mantras and planned out nappy time and snacky time to ensure she could get her work done. Plans mean very little when little ones are around.

10am in entrepreneur land, she gleefully sends out marketing posts to all her loyal followers, fresh from her shower, dressed to the nines, after a meeting with one influencer and before her next meeting with the next. She makes her own schedule. She is empowered and in charge of her own time. Soon, she will do a little yoga.

Lunchtime is literally a juggling act; trying to feed baby with the ‘thank-god-there-is-a-clean-one-in-the- drawer’ spoon; mom munches on crackers and almond cheese. It is vegan so she is raising her vibration and there are a few flax seeds sprinkled on there so she is staying on top of her nutrition. Forget about a meeting, she is covered in spit up and baby food. She might smell because she hasn’t had a minute to shower in days. She has work to think about, but her mind is slowly filling up way past the brim. The preschooler needs a nap. And there are those flyers she spots in the corner of her eye that need to be returned to the big kids’ school. She is having the first of a dozen mini breakdowns that ensue throughout her day. This is definitely not good for vibration raising. She says a prayer.

3pm and Entrepreneur’s energy drops. She schedules a massage as she takes a walk in the fresh air to clear her thoughts. They drift to some painful times in her childhood and some struggles she has about trying to change the world. She schedules an extra hour with her therapist to go over this in detail at their next session and decides she needs an extra shot of wheatgrass today to take the edge off.

In mom land the vacuum is on and toddler is carefully hidden under perfectly constructed safety fort so the noise doesn’t bother her. Baby in left arm, while the right balances cord and pushes around the edges of the couch. She sees blankets that need folding. Her husband texts her that he loves her which is a band aid to her wound for the time being. She decides to let the little one ride her tricycle and she pushes the baby in the stroller while sipping hot tea (and trying not to spill it) as a deserved break. T minus 30 minutes til big kids get home. Dinner defrosting on counter. Emails getting ignored. Chocolate being shoved in face. It’s 3pm in mompreneur land.

While entrepreneur schmoozes and connects over happy hour drinks and appetizers, mom desperately pleas with older children not to argue over the last waffle. And also, “we are eating in 30 minutes why are you cooking waffles,” and, oh my gosh the baby has the broom and the toddler never napped and is now crying that she cannot feed real food to her doll, on the carpet, in the living room. As cracker crumbs spill all over that rug that looked vacuumed for two seconds and the folded blankets are now a tent.

Entrepreneur winds down with a good book. Husband texts mompreneur that his train is delayed and will be an hour late and asks to please lay out clean clothes for him. E sips her wine and responds to a bunch of emails. M tries to get all kids showered, in PJs and in bed. M tries to quiet down children who increase exponentially in energy as her own energy drains at rapid pace. E orders takeout and laughs with partner about how life is so grand.

9pm. M is passed out with a baby latched on and nursing. Older kids are in bed but not asleep but she has nothing left to give. She may wake up around 10pm and sneak in two hours of work before passing out again, losing sleep and making her day harder tomorrow. But, we wanted this as women. We wanted to have it all. Motherhood, career, clean house, happy family. We are grateful right? This is the modern happily ever after.

This is a satire, and it’s dramatic and it might seem a bit unfair. Disclaimer to the hard working entrepreneurs out there that are not moms, you rock! I am one of your loyal followers too. You are creating awesome companies, jewelry, books, artwork and opportunities that enhance the lives of others!

But, to the MOMpreneurs out there. I’m in that gutter with you mamma! I salute you! I see you. I bow down and say, keep up the good work and give yourself a break.

I see you taking phone calls on the sidelines of soccer practice and feeling a little neither here nor there.

I see you checking emails on the playground and trying not to feel guilty.

I know you are nursing on mute on conference calls.

I know you aren't eating or sleeping enough.

I know you dream about naps and sometimes eat junk.

It’s okay and it’s going to be okay.

I know your type: you’re doing more than average yet you’re harder on yourself than those who make half the effort you do. You’re shooting for the moon, dancing with the stars and trying to rewrite history. You care so much about doing it right that no matter how much you squeeze into a minute of time, you regret not doing one more thing.

One day, when you miss your kids after they are all grown up, you can chant with the yogis and sip chai in the coffee shops all you want.

But on that day, keep calling yourself a mompreneur. You own that term, you rock that term. Wear it with pride.

]]>Define MompreneurHow Important is Preschool Education?olivia treubigThu, 05 Oct 2017 13:50:41 +0000http://www.designingmotherhood.com/blog-1/2017/10/5/how-important-is-preschool-education570196b2356fb0751504fa5c:58237ab9f7e0ab31fc14a5fb:59d635d68a02c7e2d818c3eaDo you need to send your child to Preschool, how and why to let go and let
your little one grow!How Important is Preschool Education?

I don’t need to send her to preschool, I said, as I felt the internal fear.

I don’t need to send her to preschool, I said, as I tucked her little body in for a nap.

I don’t need to send her to preschool, I said, as I watched her carefully chew her lunch, and again as we together noticed the leaves change at a local play group. And while she explained her water color painting in great detail.

When I made this statement aloud (to several people), the response was the same: what do you think is best for her?

The decisions we make regarding what we think is best for our kids weigh heavy on a mom’s conscience.

Preschool might be the first big decision a mom makes that requires someone other than mom as the one responsible for that decision. You might be sending your child to someone else’s care for the first time, long term. You are embarking on the end of your time with the child. It is as much a rite of passage, a momentous occasion, as it is a large decision. You might wonder if it’s even necessary. Couldn’t you just teach her the same things at home? Do you need to spend the money? Can’t you just spend more time with her until preschool? Regardless of whether you design a homeschool type curriculum and schedule of various play groups or choose an establishment to bring your child to-questions regarding preschool will be heavy and emotional when they arise.

For me, I knew it was time to let go. I knew it was best for her to have this experience. I also felt that pain and weight of knowing it was time. And herein is the struggle of this very important question.

How does a mom process and synthesize the plethora of information available? On one hand we do it the only way we know how, which is to say, we do our best with what we know. When we know better, we do better. We give ourselves confidence that our decisions are worthy of faith, in ourselves. It is easy to fall prey to a society that undervalues motherhood, slip into undervaluing ourselves, and most dangerously undervalue the contribution we make to our children. That contribution includes, all the many decisions we make in their trust, big and small. The decision to send your kids to preschool is a big one. It is one that affects many parts of your child’s development.

Let’s look at the considerations on the table. I propose while doing so, remaining open to your inner guidance system that knows your own child. That will help you sort through the options when none are good or bad and all are simply various paths and philosophies.

Right now, this is not the case. There are huge variances in current preschool programs available. I summed up what I believe to be most important considerations in this choice.

Hello, my name is….

Preschoolers are learning the most basic form of social skills within their own peer group. Manners, kindness, conversation cues, eye contact, non-verbal communication, turn taking and respect are all being learned intrinsically at this age. Preschools give the opportunity to do this simply by providing a safe place for a group of young children to be together. However simple, providing that space requires a great deal of developmental awareness. Teachers will facilitate social skills through guidance and modeling.

Mommy detective on the case…what to look for:

The number one concern I had when visiting preschools was, how are the teachers talking to the children? Are their tones of voice calm, patient, curious, understanding, and confident? I know my child will pick up on, reflect and respond to all of those, or lack thereof. Children will inevitably display their natural lack of social grace. This is the reason they are there; to learn socialization, right? When this happens, observe how the caregivers respond. Do the teachers reply with anger, promoting shame, or with loving correction and guidance? Do teachers model respect and kindness? Are expectations clear?

Let’s say you see a child not sharing a toy. Does the teacher admonish a child for not sharing or recognize that 3 and 4 year old children do not fully grasp the notion of possession and time, on a developmental level? Do teachers deliberately and slowly explain things at the child’s cognitive level? If you see this happening it’s a sign of a good program. If you see teachers ignoring, quickly placating, punishing, admonishing, using sarcasm, distraction or any guilt or shame methods, they may not have the education and training needed to fully understand this age group.

ABC and 123

This is actually not the most important part of a preschooler’s day. However, all preschools will include academics as part of their curriculum. It will be focused on pre readiness for Kindergarten. Beginning math, language and reading skills will be the goal. The way it is incorporated is much more important than ensuring your child attain any specific skills. This is because at age 3 or 4 many children are on very different readiness levels regarding skill based learning. This is also because direct acquisition of most skills is found to be beneficial at later ages. That said, there are a few things your child will want to know. It is more about exposure and providing language and listening opportunities for your child.

Mommy detective on the case…what to look for:

How are skills learned? Any program that teaches skills through hands on, multisensory activities and play is already off to a good start. For example, a 3 year old will not learn letters as well through completion of a worksheet as she will by singing the ABC’s and painting the letter of the week. The educator should know not to focus on doing anything perfect or even specific. For example, that painted ‘a’ might look more like a tree. The point is to encourage the child and provide a platform for developing self-confidence and exposure to these academic concepts.

You do not need to be concerned with your child learning any specific facts or knowledge. This comes later on.

I feel safe

You want to choose a place where you have full confidence that both you and your child can say this about the school. I once visited a preschool that had boxes piled in the corners and no covers on the outlets in a toddler room. The girl giving me a tour apologized immediately and explained that they were in the process of renovations. She then explained how a teacher she gestured toward is usually with a different age group and asked her for the name of the teacher usually in that room. Neither of them knew the answer. At another preschool, I observed a student eating a sandwich on the playground, not being supervised while three teachers sat off to the side chatting, not even facing the children. Meanwhile, the director was complaining to me that ‘the state’ needs to provide better training for preschool teachers. I was a prospective parent on a tour. I literally felt chills for the children in this environment for hours after. I certainly did not feel safe. I would never send my child to either of those schools. That might sound harsh and I could think of ten thousand reasons that could excuse those incidents. However, that was a line I wasn’t willing to cross with my child.

Mommy detective on the case…what to look for:

If for any reason at all, there are signs that safety and a secure environment are not a number one priority, I would choose elsewhere. Remember what you see during a tour is their best. Don’t compromise on safety for little ones who are too small to take care of themselves. Your child also needs to feel safe in order to learn, which will not happen in an environment that is not prioritizing safety and a sense of security and predictability. This will even take the form of anything from staffing, to scheduling to curriculum. Look for actual hazards such as outlet covers or objects that could pose danger, but also gauge the general sentiment of safety in these less obvious things as well, such as teachers’ tones, attitudes and accountability, in terms of best practices.

Freaking out or figuring it out?

This is a big decision and one that will ultimately be okay. Chances are, if you are reading this article to begin with, you are doing your due diligence on vetting out a good preschool. Be a preschool detective and don’t be afraid to go on many visits and ask many questions. Then, come home and tuck the little one in for one of the last of her mid-day naps at home; sit down and take a quiet moment to dig deep and check in with you. You are the mom. You are already achieving great success for having raised another human for 3 or 4 years. Have confidence that you will make the right decision. And the overall theme is still true for moms as it is for preschoolers. It’s not about perfection and getting it all right all the time. It’s about doing your best.

As my daughter said to me this morning on her first day of preschool, when I carefully showed her the contents of her lunch box and went over what to expect for the day. “Mommy, I know I feel a little bit shy, but I’ll freak out!” My older daughter and I surrounded her in hugs and said, ‘No, honey you don’t need to freak out-She gently pushed us away and said, “NO, I didn’t say I will FREAK out. I said, I feel a little shy but I will FIGURE it out! So, there you go. This is going to hurt a little, but you will figure it out!

]]>How Important is Preschool Education?What is the Girl Power Trend Doing For Our Daughters?olivia treubigTue, 19 Sep 2017 01:39:52 +0000http://www.designingmotherhood.com/blog-1/2017/9/18/what-is-the-girl-power-trend-doing-for-our-daughters570196b2356fb0751504fa5c:58237ab9f7e0ab31fc14a5fb:59c06e8eb07869c9d524acb1What are the messages that the Girl Power trend is sending to our
daughters? What can we do to promote self esteem and keep the REAL message
strong? A review of Girl Power from a mom's perspective.“They were not amazing exceptional children,” I told my husband. They were just normal kids, being kids. They were good-natured, calm yet excited at play, yet grounded: innocent, confident and free.

“Isn’t that exceptional?” he replied.

Isn’t that the point and what we really aim for, for our children? Yes, he is right. In both ways he is correct, in that to be natural is both exceptional and amazing. I started to ponder the current trend in Girl Power and how to push to be amazing and exceptional can sometimes squeeze out the importance of being natural and authentic. And I feel that my daughters, and girls in general NEED to be natural and authentic in order to find their inner (girl) power. Hmmm, so what IS the Girl Power trend doing for our daughters.

We aim for our children to be exceptionally typical kids. We strive to allow our girls to be themselves. While this sounds as if it should be a given, it is in reality something that requires a lot of focus and mindfulness. Let's start by taking away the stigma of the word, normal. Normal is actually defined as conforming to the standard or common type: usual: not abnormal: regular: natural (dictionary.com). So, let’s not reduce it solely to conforming to a standard. Instead let's Include the aspect of normalcy mirroring nature. Secondly, let's not reduce exceptional to one limited definition that one would have to conform and fit into a box to achieve.

In terms of being girl power, normal is good. Girl Power is really a promotion of that (power) which a girl naturally possesses, when it is not otherwise dulled or extinguished. It is a movement to not conform to pre-established standards for women.

It is a movement designed to NOT conform to others, or play it safe and dim your light for the sake of avoiding backlash. It is a vehement refusal to be shut down, either by peers or systematic flaws.

If you really stop to think about what you want for your daughter, it will always boil down to this: You want good kids. Not just kids who behave well, kids who are inherently good people. We want them to feel good about themselves and the world around them. We want them to possess confidence and self-esteem and relate to others through kindness and empathy. We want them to feel free to be and cultivate themselves, their truly powerful, naturally authentic selves.

There is a Girl Power trend happening right now. I have to be honest, part of me cringes at some of what is offered in the name of Girl Power. However, I completely love the movement to empower women and young girls. Historically and presently it is as much needed as welcomed. But it is not rebellion for the sake of the rebel, it is rebellion for the sake of the feminine. ONLY because that feminine, that powerful place and that authentic gift has been held back.

ALL girls are powerful. Let’s make and keep it clear. So, what Girl Power message do I want my daughters to hear?

This one; Normal girls are powerful girls. Quiet girls are powerful girls. Plain girls are powerful girls. Creative girls are powerful girls. Nice girls are powerful girls. Bosses are bosses. There is not really a thing as a GIRL boss and being on a team is JUST as important as being the boss. Girl Power is not about being the B-word, hurting others to get to the top, acting rude and callous, or being sparkly, loud, or flashy. Girl Power is not pink or gold or neon. Listen, if you are a girl who loves pink, gold and neon, sparkles and glitter than by all means, enjoy it. Just know that if you are a girl who prefers orange, muddy, cargo, libraries, baseball and science experiments that is cool too. This is about being you. Which mean being anything. Because we are all unique. You are a powerful girl no matter what. The power part means finding that piece of you that is your unique gift to bring to the world, holding on so tight to it, being so STRONG and BRAVE and dedicated to it that THAT POWER shall not be weakened. Just be clear on what it means to be a girl and that girl power literally has historically been limited. This is not about being super fit, it is about making sure every super girl fits in to her own splendid uniqueness. This is not about being extremely well off, it is about making sure every girl has the freedom to achieve extreme well-being. It is about being clear and committed to promoting every girl and every part of yourself that is ready to shine from the inside out.

It is not about breaking yourself to fit into a mold, but breaking through the molds to just be yourself.

Girl Power is about finding that girl inside and owning your own name. It certainly is not designer names, limited definitions and catchy slogans. It is about being kind and graceful and making a difference in the world. It is about feeling good and powerful INSIDE of yourself. Because this is not easy, and this was not always possible, and even today this possibility only grows in the notion of more and more girls embracing their own power. Own your power, girls. That’s the message here.

The goal is such so that our daughters can shine and live authentically. It is about gaining strength instead of feeling they are not “enough” and becoming vulnerable to things like drug use, abuse, or living within the sting of apathy or isolation. It is about eliminating antiquated structures, policies, and glass ceilings holding them back.

So, let’s celebrate Girl Power for our girls, let’s just be clear on what it is! I want my children to be happy. And to be happy doesn’t mean to avoid pain or fit into a box. To be happy means to navigate from a place within themselves to be able to conquer anything; to discover inner power and external opportunities to serve themselves and the world around them for good.

Looking for a How-to?

I find three key attributes harness the power I strive for my girls to cultivate: self-esteem, connection to nature, and empathy.

Help her build up her Self Esteem

Low self-esteem is that voice that tells your daughter “I can’t do it,” every time her interest is piqued or her skills are challenged. It is something that could cause her to give up before she even tries, robbing her of the actual confidence building that occurs when accomplishing a challenge. This is a dangerous loop. Girls need to foundationally know they are good, accepted, loved, and whole no matter what they accomplish, how they look, or who does or does not give them approval. These are foundational steps to eventually feeling empowered.

Low self-esteem is a thinking disorder in which an individual views him/herself as inadequate, unlovable, and/or incompetent. Once formed, this negative view permeates every thought, producing faulty assumptions and ongoing self-defeating behavior.75 percent of girls with low self-esteem reported engaging in negative activities like cutting, bullying, smoking, drinking, or disordered eating. This compares to 25 percent of girls with high self-esteem. (https://www.dosomething.org/us/facts/11-facts-about-teens-and-self-esteem)

The more we expose our daughters to environments where her leaders and peers speak of and react to her individuality and strengths, the more she can develop those within herself.

Give her time in Nature

Nature is the world stripped of society, expectations, and structure. Because of this, it’s the ultimate playground for a child to be and discover herself. Take your children out in nature and allow them the space to discover new things around them. There are few places where materialism, marketing and feedback is limited. Simply allow girls to discover themselves when all else is silent. There are few places where children can touch, feel real things, and tangibly navigate their own inner terrain. As my daughter said to me last week, when we were outdoors:

“It’s so much better to touch a real thing and build something we can feel (a fort) than to touch nothing but a screen and to only build things that are not real.”

Bingo! I could not have said it better myself. And that is precisely what natural environments bring out in children; intuitive, intrinsic discoveries and calculations about the world around them.

We are in a danger zone when it comes to empathy these days. Some people feel empathy is not a skill children can learn, that the concept is too large to grasp and that children are naturally self-centered. Self-interest can easily be confused with self-centered. We want girls to value themselves, but not at the sake of others. Children may not directly understand the actual definition of empathy on a deep level. However, to strip a girl from the awareness of others’ experiences is precarious. This can create the unfavorable type of girl power (with a lower case): the kind where girls act “better than” and entitled, all about her own sparkle without the link to how that sparkle lends itself to the greater good or those around her.

Children today are already more isolated and less connected due to high use of technology, parents working longer hours and commuting farther, and the decrease of neighborhoods where children of all types and ages spontaneously intermingle and navigate things like rainy days and healthy competition. Smaller villages and closer neighborhoods provided sights, smells, sounds and rules of various households and taken in as a part of the natural fabric of childrens lives.

Because of this change, empathy must be consciously taught. Self-empowerment is limited without the component of empathy. Empowerment and confidence will then serve society from a girl’s natural strengths.

]]>What is the Girl Power Trend Doing For Our Daughters?How “I do it with four”, and what it taught me that I wish I knew when my first child was bornolivia treubigTue, 05 Sep 2017 17:40:10 +0000http://www.designingmotherhood.com/blog-1/2017/9/5/how-i-do-it-with-four-and-what-it-taught-me-that-i-wish-i-knew-when-my-first-child-was-born570196b2356fb0751504fa5c:58237ab9f7e0ab31fc14a5fb:59aedfff579fb375f01e27bdI'm asked all the time, "HOW do you do it with 4 kids?" This is my answer.How “I do it with four”, and what it taught me that I wish I knew when my first child was born

“How do you do it? I don’t know how you do it with four, I can barely do it with one, or two or three.” This is what I hear almost daily and certainly every other time we socialize with other moms. By do “it”, I assume these questions are asking how do I “do” parenting. Or perhaps, how do I stay on top of things. Maybe, how do I stay sane? All legitimate inquiries. So, let me answer this question. First of all I will say, I am the first to admit, I also do not know “how” I do it. Secondly, I have much more to learn and feel being open to making mistakes is a huge piece of the puzzle. Third, I have learned a few things along the way, that I wish my newbie self would have known with my first child.

So, I’ll start by saying, I no longer see parenting as accomplishing an outside, external perfect looking goal. I do not “do” parenting, I am a parent. I am mom. My entire being is mom from morning to night. Sure, I have other important areas of my life. But, to me, mom is not simply a title; it is a way of life. It is a mindset. It is a hormonal, physical, emotional all-encompassing change. I’ve learned to accept that.

This is not to say I do not take time for myself and tasks that lie outside the realm of parenthood. It means, my children are not a project and I am not fulfilling a job title. Instead, they are living, breathing humans and I am as well. We are on this journey together, with me as the guide. And sometimes with the biggest lessons being the ones they teach to me. Why is this important and not as obvious as it may sound? IF your children are a project you are looking to keep track of the project. You are objectifying their growth in a way that could be graded, assessed and fitting into pass/fail type of boundaries. This leaves a lot of room for judgement; of yourself as task master and your child as the one who needs to comply. It takes out the spiritual element, it takes out the love. That being said, there are certainly places where measurements need to be taken; in school, at doctors appointments, when issues arise. However, the general mindset is that the children are constantly growing and changing. “We are always in a perpetual state of being created and creating ourselves. (p. 221)”― Daniel J. Siegel, The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are If you look even deeper into developmental theory, taking measurements too strictly and acting from them, ignores that children are often in a state of change, as are you. That being said, there are certainly concrete lessons and tricks in the objective life of parenting that makes the day progress smoother while also leaving space for optimal development in your child.

One thing that happens when you have four kids is that you lose your mind. I mean this quite literally. Although of course it rings true in the figurative sense often. When surrounded by 4 other voices, I cannot complete my own thoughts for hours at a time. When fulfilling the demands of four other beings, the attempt that my own mind makes to put in a request just gets rejected. It’s like trying to show up to the most popular restaurant in town at 6:30pm without a reservation, cut to the front of the line and think you will get a quiet table in the corner and a quick meal. My thoughts are like the “still loading” symbol on my computer when I already have four active high content streaming tabs open. In other words, my ego takes a back seat. In some respects this is a good thing. But on a daily basis, this may be the largest and most challenging sacrifice of parenting. To balance this phenomenon, take time for your brain. Seriously. This one tip will save you from feeling totally fried. Whether its ten minutes of meditating before the kids wake up, a podcast in earphones on the way to soccer practice, making sure you have 15 minutes alone to shower. You need your own thoughts and feelings to be processed. You need your own brain activated and also relaxed-daily!

My second lesson is to let go of little things and make the big things super serious priorities. When my 8 year old insists on bringing three bags, 5 stuffed animals, and a blanket and pillow on a 20 minute car trip, I let it go. This is a ridiculous idea of hers, but letting it go fits into my bigger priorities. When I tighten the reigns and give my children really clear ideas on what those priorities are, smoother sailing ensues. In this case, getting from the house to the car with relative ease, allowing her a space to make her own choices (that will inevitably harm no one, even though it could set me up to feel extremely annoyed if I allow it to) and making it to our destination on time, will be the guiding principles on this moment in time. Some may say, choose your battles and be clear on boundaries and all of that applies here too. On bigger things, such as teasing. I attempt to enforce a no tolerance policy. No teasing, no mean words, only kindness allowed at all times. My kids are taught that angeris okay, crying is okay, frowning is natural, bad days are inevitable and sour moods come and go. As much as I stress that processing and accepting negativity is accepted, I focus on the behavior that we use to express these emotions must be kind and respectful. Does this always happen? 100%-no. Every day my kids give sass, talk back and lose their tempers. But, do I let this one go? Never. I always repeat the importance of kindness and I believe these instances then become less frequent and opportunities for growth.

Since having four kids, I’ve gotten really good at multiplying, fast. For instance, when one child proclaims “ice-cream” as we drive past the local dairy bar, I quickly calculate 2.50 (the cost of a cone) times 4, plus tax and say yes or no according to the answer. This goes for, small treats, drinks, seats in a car, clothes for the next day, time it takes to prepare meals, serving sizes, just about everything I do requires space, money and time for four. I should admit, I am not very good at math and usually defer this task to the husband when possible. Basically, I think in bulk. I operate from the big picture. I know if I allow something for one child, I must consider the implications for all the others. There is a lot of checks and balances happening behind the scenes.

On the topic of planning, I have learned to strategize and (try to) plan like a pro. This is coming from a free spirited, creative tree hugger who in all honesty could forget the day of the week before having kids. In fact, I don’t think I fully grasped that I am NOT an organized person or what that even actually looked like until after my fourth child, who is only 7 months old! However, because the flip side of this lesson is that you MUST be able to go with the flow when you have many kids (I’m pretty good at this one, maybe even too good as we have ended up in many unplanned destinations.)

Surprises pop up endlessly. Whether it’s, ‘oops mom I forgot I have a huge project due tomorrow” (it’s 9pm; and yup this one got my free spirit-sorry!) to the toddler needing to potty the second all the kids are buckled up and your key is in the car ignition; the school nurse calling that one has a fever as the baby JUST fell asleep for a nap as the toddler JUST asked for a snack. So, I’ve learned that the more I have accomplished and planned out ahead of time, the more I can go with the flow and not get caught up in the flow turning into a raging river of chaos. I try to pack food, prepare food, stock bags with extra diapers, stock car with extra clothes, stock closet with extra diaper bags etc. Okay, one time this back fired when I took a spontaneous trip to a farm and grabbed the wrong diaper bag and ended up across town with no wallet. But, usually this trick saves me more than anything. Im still working on getting good at this, but the concept of letting go of perfection materializes here and yet I realize to keep improving is a neccesarry goal in this area.

Lastly, delegate and involve. There was a time when I was almost ready to run off to a monastery and trade in the kids for nun robes; and spend the next ten years deep in meditation. Okay, this happened a couple times. However, this is what I did wrong. I learned my lesson. Every challenge I face, I look for the underlying opportunity. I believe that every single place where I feel stuck is a place I need to learn. And in this case I learned that I was separating myself from my children. I was mom. They were the kids. I did the cleaning up. They did the playing. I made the rules. I allowed them to challenge the rules. I cooked the dinner. They ate the food. This ties right into the first point I made, that your children are not a project and you are not the manager. Your children are growing up, literally; before your eyes and in your hands. They are your responsibility but they are learning to be responsible for themselves simultaneously.

Embrace that you are all in this together and delegate and involve the kids in your shared life. Now, we all cook dinner together; they set the table; I get down on the floor and color and force myself to forget about work or the laundry; I work later while they are working; ie; on a project or at school. We swim in the ocean together and I naturally grab their hands for safety as we laugh and roll with the crashing waves. Rather than anxiously wade along the side of the shore, commanding them from afar to be careful. The metaphor applies everywhere. The blessings certainly do lie in every challenge and above all I am reminded daily; Childhood is fleeting and temporary. It expires in 18 years and each year, each age is constantly moving toward the growing of adults. One day they will get there.

The biggest most important, most profound thing I can think of to do each day is live this life fully, mindfully yet spontaneously, with flow yet with intention; most importantly with my children as they grow, as they will grow.

How “I do it with four”, and what it taught me that I wish I knew when my first child was bornInvisible after after; the real and unspoken story after a mom is bornolivia treubigMon, 21 Aug 2017 12:10:03 +0000http://www.designingmotherhood.com/blog-1/2017/8/20/invisible-after-after-the-real-and-unspoken-story-after-a-mom-is-born570196b2356fb0751504fa5c:58237ab9f7e0ab31fc14a5fb:599a084b8419c215258bbe66You never knew returning to work after baby meant it would be this way.No one ever told me the gut wrenching feelings that would stir and erupt forth when deciding to go back to work. No one ever told me how coffee would become my savior, or how running out of coffee would become as bad as one of those blockbuster movie moments where time stops for an instant. No one ever told me that the smell of my baby, when I leave in the morning (or think about leaving the next morning) the night before would literally tie my stomach in knots as a guttural, instinctual reaction that whisper screams, I cannot leave my baby is activated in my body and echoes into a society unheard.

The day the baby is born everyone cheers and cries tears of joy and brings balloons and sends flowers. People send onesies and diapers and soft teddy bears. Family members bring food. Everyone asks if you are okay. When you are pregnant, there is a constant influx of attention on every nuance of your life. Deli clerks and crossing guards smile at you warmly and knowingly. Scruffy strangers you would never think were friendly open doors for you or give you the last seat in a crowded room. In laws constantly check up on your progress, symptoms and journey. Family member wait by in excitement. Somehow, the idea of a child is more celebrated and nurtured than the actual life of the child, and mother itself.

After the baby is born, this tremendous honor of a new life is ironically halted. As quickly as the pregnancy brings on instant allies in the world, within weeks of birth a mother is more isolated then in any time of her life. As suddenly as the pregnancy months and creation of your child brings forth love and attention, well wishes and support, within weeks a new mother is alone, ignored, burdened by being part of a system that in no way supports the child, the mother and their connection once earthbound. Not to be unmentioned, she is simultaneously healing from a life changing event, physical, emotional and hormonal shift and major surgery. She often cannot fully walk or tend to basic tasks, has other children and a home and husband she is expected to provide care for during this time. This. Is. Insanity.

People slowly stop asking her how she is, and when doing so, it is a rushed sentiment on their way to asking about the baby itself. As the baby ages, they stop asking about both mom and infant. During her maternity leave, most of the time is spent healing and the bonding process is funneled into a quick 8-12 weeks of time. With very little paternity leave available, the father returns to work. Family may drop in occasionally. However, for 12-16 awake hours of each day, the mother is alone, isolated, facing a new chapter in life, sleep deprived and many times tending to older children and her home as well.

A time comes very quickly when the mother is expected to leave her infant behind and return to work. The phone isn’t ringing that night with questions about how it went. No one sends her flowers of encouragement. She leaves her baby behind for the first time they have separated in about a year (including the pregnancy). She cries alone in her car at the emotional pull on her heart. She pulls herself together and puts a smile on her face because she has a boss and colleagues relying on her to be productive, upbeat and successful today. As one mother experienced, “I was at work, but struggling and feeling overwhelmed because my kids were sick and I had to find other care for them-thank God for family members always willing to help. I was sort of venting to another manager of not getting sleep and feeling overwhelmed. His response? "You made the choice to have a baby, right? This is part of it. "Such a cold and unsupportive thing to say to someone barely keeping it together. It was so disheartening.” Allyson, NY

She might be taking breaks every hour to hide in a closet and hook an intrusive loud machine to her breasts as it sucks milk from her sore nipples, causing an influx of hormones and plain old human feelings that make her miss her baby. She worries if he is safe. She worries if he is being loved, cared for and kept warm and happy. She feels she abandoned him. But, who is there for her today? No one asks and if they do, she knows they don’t want the real answer, that she is a wreck, that one third or more of her salary is paying for a stranger to watch her child while she returns to a job she isn’t even sure if she wants anymore. She has to now choose between herself and her community and her child. She is in an impossible position. She feels guilty. She feels alone. She smiles and says, I’m so blessed to have a healthy baby. She nods and agrees that she is also lucky her employer took her back, and allows her to pump instead of take a lunch break.

Let’s talk about basic expenses: the average cost of childcare for a 3 month old in CT is $12,973.00. In NY it is $14,939.00. (https://www.bostonglobe.com/2014/07/02/map-the-average-cost-for-child-care-state/LN65rSHXKNjr4eypyxT0WM/story.html)

Some women do not return to working full time because if they have two or more children and do not make enough, they literally are working for daycare. So, she stays home or works from home which in itself has a whole other realm of difficulty. Not working puts her family in a very tight situation. On average nationwide, working families with two parents and two children require an income of $48,778 to meet the family budget. In major urban areas, expenses for this four-person family range from $42,106 in Oklahoma City to $71,913 in Nassau/Suffolk, N.Y. http://www.epi.org/publication/bp224/ If her husband is lucky enough to make an above average salary of $70,000, chances are the family is still close to or living paycheck to paycheck. This means, they count pennies and decide how much money to spend on groceries to ensure it doesn’t mean not paying the electric bill and having no lights. This means saying no when your 5 year old asks for the shoes they like for school and feeling bad, this means cutting coupons. It means riding in your car for weeks with the check engine light on hoping to make it to soccer practice. It means you cannot afford to live in the better school districts, pay for music lessons, buy new clothes regularly or own a car. This means further isolation as you stay in your home all day with the children because you cannot afford to take them out. This means a risk of post partum depression. That risk means cultivating a strained emotional and mental environment for the mom and the children. This means malnutrition when the mom does not have the skills learned to meal prep healthy food on a budget or manage her child's behavior to get dinner cooked. This means no outside help from a house keeper, or babysitter which means a twelve hour day with no breaks. It means going to bed hungry sometimes because you were so busy with the thousand responsibilities of motherhood that you were too tired to eat. The list goes on.

Moms who choose to stay home are challenged in another way. This is another subject for another post, but neither moms who return to work nor those who stay home have it easy, and that’s just straight emotional fact. Economics and social structure play a huge role in this. It is a time of life that requires strategy, navigation and a secure, resourceful network. Otherwise, the mom is literally abandoned and alone in the worst way possible-the invisible way-the way that is never noticed because it is built into structure not physical boundaries. She may look happy, look lucky and look like she is surrounded by people, but she is living a lifestyle that is far from supported and nourished by the network around her.

The good news is; it doesn't have to be this way. There are solutions to this problem. The biggest one being networks. Moms who have or seek out proper support during this time period do not have to experience most of these challenges. The key is having the awareness, courage and support to do that. With the right mindset, harmony can be reached.

]]>Invisible after after; the real and unspoken story after a mom is bornA somewhat unique, holistic simplified and nurturing method for preparing a baby registryolivia treubigWed, 02 Aug 2017 00:31:51 +0000http://www.designingmotherhood.com/blog-1/2017/8/1/a-somewhat-unique-holistic-simplified-and-nurturing-method-for-preparing-a-baby-registry570196b2356fb0751504fa5c:58237ab9f7e0ab31fc14a5fb:59811a6ccd0f684da6b9655aA somewhat unique, holistic simplified and nurturing method for preparing a baby registry.

Ten years ago, I was about 7 months pregnant with my first child. With the knowledge of an upcoming baby shower, I asked my friend for help preparing my baby registry. She had a child already. I had no clue where to even begin. We went to the huge baby item superstore and it admittedly felt like Christmas morning. I joyfully aimed that scanner thing at all the cute, pink, fluffy infant items one could want. I loved the idea of trading in my purse for a diaper bag. How exciting! It felt like a rite of passage. A twinge of nerves fluttered through me as I didn’t want to jinx the baby by “counting my ducks before they hatched” so to speak. I had thoughts about how wonderful life with baby would be and also hard hitting realizations that I was about to be responsible for a little human. I had never done this before. I felt overwhelmed, over joyed and over stimulated all at once. Now, years later, I realize it could have been more simple, effective and stress free had I known a few things. Most importantly, this ritual of preparation, left me no where near prepared for real life post baby.

Weeks before baby arrived my apartment was wall to wall with a huge amount of stuff. I spent weeks pre washing tiny cotton onesies with hypo allergenic detergent. I paced around waiting. At first it was exciting. Eventually, after baby arrived, all the stuff became a burden and more to clean and organize, as well as a waste of money and love. On the other hand, I suddenly had needs popping up, I never knew I would have. None of which were met. Motherhood, as we all hear often is extremely different in reality than our pre parenting expectations lead us to believe. Therefore, when you are registering for a baby, before the birth of your first child; it is difficult to know what you actually truly need. As a more practiced mom, who has been through quite a number of babyhood experiences ( I now have four children) ; take my advice below.

Ask yourself these three questions, and allow my answers to guide you.

Q: What will I need the most of after baby is born that I do not need now?

A: Sleep, Peace and Help

Before you even start thinking about baby gear, start off thinking about you. You may be thinking, this is totally backwards. Isn’t this the time of my life to be selfless, to think about the baby and put my needs aside? That is a slippery slope, I ask you not to journey along. While parenthood itself will inevitably propel you into a lifestyle that requires masses of selfless love and service; you have to keep conscious of what you need. In fact, there exists an even greater need to put yourself and your needs on the agenda, because the demands to give are so high. Trust me on this. A baby needs present, loving and joyful parents (at least mostly) The biggest factor in the transition from non-child households to parenting is the psychological and social adjustments the parents need to make. Not solely the gear one needs to buy. Many societies are aware and supportive of this time period. While we do not have a social system that recognizes and supports this chapter, you can individually pay attention to that which is needed proactively. Having a child greatly effects marriage and individuals. In fact, according to recent demographic studies, more than 40 percent of children born to two parents can expect to live in a single-parent family by the time they are 18.(psychologytoday.com)

To incorporate this into a baby registry, take the initiative and ask for contributions to several funds that are designed to increase your chances of a smooth and effective transition. You can do this on sites such as www.plumfund.com

Anything that doesn’t fit into these categories isn’t necessary. Focus on the type of quality of each item and register for one you really will love for each item then avoid repeats. Ie; one place to put the baby during the day other than the crib such as a swing, but not a swing and an infant seat and a play yard, and a bassinet etc. Whether you go with a doc-a-tot or a rock-n-play (both are items parents swear by) you only need one.

Sample list:

One quality set of bottles and a sterilizer

Or

Breast feeding cover, pads and bottles/pump only if you plan to leave the baby with others

Diapers and Wipes (you don’t even need a changing table) I used the floor, couch and bed on a towel or changing pad most of the time.

A safe carseat and a stroller you love. Having a good stroller is a big deal. It will motivate you to go out and make it easy when you do. Look for one that you can fold up and open with one hand easily, that turns easily and rides smoothly and baby will be comfortable in. This is one item worth spending more on. If you are active a jogging stroller or mini jogging stroller will enable you to easily make or keep a regular walk or run in your routine.

An awesome wrap or carrier that is comfortable, has pockets for your keys, cell, cash and a diaper.

A doc-a-tot, rock n play or similar item for baby to nap in during the day

Q. What will the baby need after 6 months of age.

A. One rookie mistake is only registering for infant/newborn items. Think ahead to the period from 6 months to a year. You don’t want to suddenly need to purchase a large amount of clothes and items as the baby gets older.

Safety items for a crawling baby like socket covers/baby gates and door locks

A food puree machine and storage cups

Yes, you will need a small amount of absolutely necessary items for your new baby. But, keep in mind and in your agenda that this is a huge life transition. While it may not be handed to you to also prepare for the mental and emotional needs that go along with this life change, baby registries and showers are a big part of our tradition. Thankfully, you can tailor it to suit the deeper needs as well. This will enable you to fully prepare to bring baby home with gratitude and ease.

]]>What you need to know (and no one ever told you ) about cooking with Infants; 12 Real Life Cooking Tipsolivia treubigWed, 19 Jul 2017 20:36:44 +0000http://www.designingmotherhood.com/blog-1/2017/7/19/what-you-need-to-know-and-no-one-ever-told-you-about-cooking-with-infants-12-real-life-cooking-tips570196b2356fb0751504fa5c:58237ab9f7e0ab31fc14a5fb:596fbf644c0dbffffba12230These are the best ever real life tips that no one told you about cooking with an infant (or children).

Remember those days you were hungry and a good meal was a phone call away, just dial up an order of drippy cheesy pizza, or indulge in some pork lo mein right? Or, remember when you and your Significant Other were dating, you strapped on that cute apron, slaved away with your pretty pots, in your spotless apartment for hours, surprising him with a 5 course home cooked meal? I bet you both held expectations of all of this wonderfulness carrying over into your marriage while you leisurely sipped your pre dinner cocktails; just add in a few kids eating peacefully, with cute spaghetti covered faces to the table and viola, happy family meal. Uh, yeah right.

I mean, it’s pretty pathetic that we have nearly no idea what real marriage and life with kids looks like. In fact, I know there is still a popular Glamour article circulating that has a recipe for Engagement Roasted Chicken and Hook him Apple Pie. By the way, I confess I have cooked this chicken and hoped for the promised promise, in the way-to-his heart-is-his-belly-so-he will-see-what-life-with-you-will-be-like meal! By the way, it worked. The chicken was delish! And he did eventually propose. Though, I would like to believe it had to do with way more than that meal! But, here is my point. Our expectations and our society’s portrait of life after marriage and kids is so incredibly misleading, and then damaging.

Because, once we land in this world and are slapped with the reality of the exact opposite, it hurts. Thankfully, there are a ton of resources and professionals working hard to turn this ship around. Until then, let’s go back to that moment we started with.

So there you are, its 5pm you and all the children are hungry and hangry (hungry plus angry and yes this is a real thing) You need a solution that is easy and healthy and fast including clean up. So, here you go. These are the best ever tips that no one told you about cooking with an infant (or children).

12 Tips for cooking with a Newborn and Kids

1. Keep it Simple

This is not the time for gourmet, calorie counting, designer meal, pinterest worthy meals. Lower your expectations way, way down, and then a bit more. Get your mindset in survival mode. You are pretending you are in the Amazon and your children need food to survive. A protein, a veg, a fruit and grain and go! Take it from there and add flair only as time and opportunity allow.

2. One Pot Meals are Your Friend

Crock Pots, Big Pots of Soup, Stews and Pasta/Rice Bakes are seriously life savers when you have a baby. Okay, I know I’m referring to the dreaded ‘casserole’ here. But seriously, make one big one when you have 30 minutes and eat out of it all week, on the days you have zero energy for anything, on the nights you need a break. Best part, you might even grow to love this meal. There are some really fantastic and easy recipes out there.

3. Cook the Main Dish- Buy the Sides

This is probably the best, most overlooked tip. You absolutely do not lose brownie points for not being superwoman here. This tip gets you back down to one pot to sauté your chicken, or veggie burger patties or whatever your Main Dish is that night, and that’s it- you are done! Warm up or dole out premade sides and enjoy the freedom of ease.

4. Stick to Recipes with Five Ingredients

This goes back to keeping it simple. You really can do amazing things with only 5 ingredients. The kids are young and their palette prefers simple tastes as well. This is actually scientifically proven. So this tip carries over to the table where you eliminate (or reduce) food battles. Less ingredients makes it easy to puree food for the baby too. Since you are sticking to nutritious basics and that’s what you will want to feed an infant.

5. Trader Joes/Adams is your friend

These guys are amazing resource’s when you are looking for those store bought sides, they provide recipe cards and meal ideas, healthy and organic pre-made frozen foods and precooked soups, chickens and other meals. In some locations you can order your meats and actually have them marinated or cooked while you shop for no extra charge, yet most people do not even know that!

6. Cash in on screen time or dinner time toys

If you wait until you are cooking to hand your older ones some screen time, or keep a box of mealtime toys (I use playdough) in your kitchen pantry that ONLY (this is the KEY to this trick) comes out while mommy is cooking, you are freeing yourself up to cook while they play happily with the coveted “new” goodies.

7. Activity Placemats

Another lifesaver for waiting time. One of the most difficult parts of cooking and serving dinner is that you cannot simultaneously entertain. Activity placemats keep the kids sitting and focused for a few precious minutes while you finish up cooking and get it all on the table. You can even make you own printables and have them laminated at a local copy store, give the kids a dry erase marker and switch them up periodically (pumpkin maze in October, wish list in December) to keep things interesting.

8. Whipped Cream and Jello (its not what you think)

Okay this is for you brave souls who will bare a little extra mess and you strong mamma’s that have kids (every toddler) who need sensory stimulation. Sit them at the table and clean off the surface really well, or use a big clean tray. Cover it with whipped crème and sprinkle various color jello packets (before its made)into it. Give them a few wooden spoons and just let them use their fingers to swirl it all around, make shapes, write letters, whatever keeps them happy! This is an awesome sensory game and if they happen to taste along the way, no harm.

9. Involve your children

When your kids are a little older allowing them to “help” by sorting chopped veggies into bowls by color or shape, or just stir something for you while you do the rest goes a long way. After all, most “ off behavior” is just a cry for attention and this way they feel empowered and included.

10. Timing is Everything

This one took me four kids to learn. The actual BEST time to cook dinner, is NOT dinnertime. Shocker, by when you have babies this is a total game changer. I now cook dinner in the morning whenever possible- when my kids and I are both still fresh and energetic and able to function with joy. Nap time is also golden (I know your really want to rest too and on those day-rest) As I said, whenever possible. Life with infants by definition is changeable by the second and highly unpredictable. Do your best.

11. Prep Every Possible Thing During a Better Time

So, this tip is another game changer. Take some time during naps or while the little ones are otherwise content, when your husband is home, when you have another adult around to help-to prep anything and everything. Do this in small chunks. Take 10 minutes to chop your veggies. Take 15 to grill your chicken and leave it in the fridge for later. Make and freeze things like broth, stews and casseroles to use another day when you have larger chunks of time

All in all, the main takeaway here is this. Dinner with an infant or young kid’s aint’ easy. It’s not going to be pretty or perfect and your main goal is to just try your best and get it on the table. And take care of you. Listen to music or sip a little chamomile tea or white wine while you cook and allow yourself to relax into the chaos. Believe it or not, it’s the best way to turn the mayhem into a tiny bit of joy.

Bon Appetite Mamma

]]>Post Natal Yoga or Yoga after Baby; may be the stretch back to sanity you needHealthMargaret KostelnikWed, 28 Jun 2017 14:57:26 +0000http://www.designingmotherhood.com/blog-1/2017/6/28/post-natal-yoga-or-yoga-after-baby-may-be-the-stretch-back-to-sanity-you-need570196b2356fb0751504fa5c:58237ab9f7e0ab31fc14a5fb:5953c0de4f14bc644c79cbd7You just gave birth! Along with the brand new life you are now eternally grateful for, and equally terrified of; your own body has become a brand new form of the former you. You might hear a lot of talk about self-love and self-care. And if you are like most mamma’s, you shrug it off with a small ping of guilt for even considering such an atrocity. But, here is a case for it. And here is a specific way to get it done. Whether or not you want to believe YOU MATTER; You. Matter. A therapist once said to me, if you care for your children more than life itself, what do you think of their mother? That one sunk in. Resonating because, if we go around believing that we are doing our children even an iota of goodness by ignoring ourselves, we are ignoring THEIR primary care taker, THEIR number one source of love, affection, safety, care and life. Is that okay?

We gave them life. We recently allowed them to cultivate and grow inside of our very own bodies. That body is now very different. Pregnancy changes your body, mind, hormones, your spirit, your emotions. It’s a transformative process. That body, that soul and that mental state needs TLC. I might even dare to say, every day! Post Natal Yoga, doing yoga after you have your baby is a 1,2 punch that takes care of Mamma in every way.

Mind: Yoga is meditative, therapeutic and focused. Nowhere else in the busy day of wiping, enrapturing and coddling do you get a second to breathe with intention? Not just to breathe, but to catch the moments in between breathes. To exhale slooowwly and send the negativity to the universe. To mindfully inhale while drawing your focus to your stretching arms, your intentions, your heart.

Body: This is a no brainer right? Here is the thing about Post Natal Yoga, it’s not just any workout. It is DESIGNED for a mother’s body after delivering a baby. For example, consider a few things your body might be experiencing right now.

-Weakened pelvic floor; caused by pregnancy and birth; resulting in urine leakage, loss of sexual desire, even organ prolapse in serious cases. This can be resolved through yoga moves such as Kegal Exercises.

-Weakened core and abs; your abdominal muscles are no doubt stretched and weaker, all for a good cause; but nevertheless a consequence. After getting physician clearance, many poses focus on core strength and abdominal work.

-Limited endurance; You’ve spent at least 9 months, if not more by now slowing down, exercising less yet at the same time creating life. You will adore easy to master poses that bring you almost instant feelings of strength and stamina in as little as 5 breaths.

-Fatigue; Maybe this should be number one. Fatigue rocks you and knock you after having a baby. Sleepless nights, hormonal changes, new worries and more all lead new mammas to feel over tired. Certain Yoga poses truly help bring back some energy. For example (from Yogajournal.com) Viparita Karani ( Legs-Up-The Wall Pose) helps to open your chest and deepen your breathing, leading to rejuvenation.

Soul: you do not need to ascribe to any certain religion to understand that Yoga and Meditation is good for you on a spiritual level. Yoga helps you to sift through your thoughts, beyond your limitations and pushes through your own boundaries. It literally brings you into new positions, stretches you to feel, to pause, to find your breath. Yoga creates an open space within you, where you can become mindful and still. Yoga leaves you with calm feelings and a sense of stability, strength and self.

Need more motivation for Yoga Post Baby, spend a little time over at http://rachelbrathen.com/ find an amazing resource from an honest and inspirational mom, YogaGirl. She has 87970 followers for a reason. See for yourself!

]]>A Free and Amazing Pediatric Resource All Parents Need to Know AboutSafetyHealthResearchMargaret KostelnikThu, 01 Jun 2017 19:02:32 +0000http://www.designingmotherhood.com/blog-1/2017/6/1/a-free-and-amazing-pediatric-resource-all-parents-need-to-know-about570196b2356fb0751504fa5c:58237ab9f7e0ab31fc14a5fb:593060ff2994ca96216d3b46The plethora of information available to today’s parent is abundant. This is a double edged sword. On the one hand, we can quickly google, Siri or echo just about any request. On the other hand, sometimes it can be difficult and too vast to easily receive and decode. This does not include the endless advice streamed into our consciousness through social media, hovering in our sub conscious plane through magazines and marketing and drawing in our attention; from playground hearsay to a well-intentioned MIL.

Within Infancy and childhood, the majority of issues parents find themselves floundering with, are health related. The majority of concerns entail physical, behavioral, emotional health. In these cases, it is advisable to turn to experts for advice, facts and even opinions. Although, having a pediatrician waiting with a hot cup of coffee at our kitchen table sounds nice, each time we have a question; it is not exactly practical. So, what is a viable alternative? The American Academy of Pediatrics is a very trust-worthy resource.

The mission of the American Academy of Pediatrics is to attain optimal physical, mental, and social health and well-being for all infants, children, adolescents and young adults. To accomplish this, AAP shall support the professional needs of its members. (AAP.org)

The AAP is a professional organization, yet also provides amble knowledge directly to parents. It is a very viable go-to source for parents in-the-know. They provide professional opinions on breaking news, like the recent events in Manchester to the newest recommendations and research on drinking fruit juice. They break information down into searchable stages from infancy to young adult. You can search for a pediatrician in your area. You can find CPR training information and many community based initiatives. They have a great feature that allows you to register your own Family Health Center on your homepage and receive important information precisely for your family. If you are interested in the latest on Immunizations, or prenatal health issues, such as preparing sibling for a new baby, you will find it all and considerably more here or look for publications by the AAP the next time you are looking for a new parenting book.

According to Wikipedia, the academy was founded in 1930 by 35 pediatricians to address pediatric healthcare standards. It has 64,000 members in primary care and sub-specialist areas.

The academy has approximately 390 employees, and it runs continuing medical education programs for pediatricians and sub-specialists. The academy is divided into 14 departments and 26 divisions that assist with carrying out its mission.

It has the largest pediatric publishing program in the world, with more than 300 titles for consumers and over 500 titles for physicians and other health-care professionals. These publications include electronic products, professional references/textbooks, practice management publications, patient education materials and parenting books.

]]>Baby's First Pediatrician AppointmentMargaret KostelnikTue, 23 May 2017 16:02:49 +0000http://www.designingmotherhood.com/blog-1/2017/5/23/babys-first-pediatrician-appointment570196b2356fb0751504fa5c:58237ab9f7e0ab31fc14a5fb:592458b1cd0f68d96f97dcebTips to Make Your Infant’s First Doctor Exam EasyAll that anticipation to bring baby home, and when you get there you suddenly realize the weight of the responsibility. You love this little being more than imaginable and will likely have a zillion questions. Many wonder what to expect at baby’s first pediatrician appointment. Bringing your baby to the doctor the first time may even be something you look forward to. You will welcome the professional advice and assurance regarding your baby’s newborn development. But, if you are wondering how to prepare for that first pediatric appointment, here is a quick overview. We know, you are tired and so we will sum it up and make this easy. Your infant’s first regular doctor appointment/ well visit is usually about 3/5 days after birth.

Six Informative Tips to Make Your Infant’s First Doctor Exam Easy

1. Make your appointment:

Ask if your baby will be allowed to wait in an exam room to limit her exposure to germs. If that is not their policy, ask for the least busy time of the office to make your appointment. Plan to be there about an hour, 15 minutes to fill out new paperwork, waiting time, exam, questions and extra time to make your next appointment. You are not traveling as light as you are used to, leave yourself time to get baby, bag, and gear in and out of car and office so you will not feel pressured.

2. Call Grandma, Sister Wife, Husband or Neighbor:

You will want an extra pair of hands to rock the baby while you ask questions, or listen to answers when your focus goes onto the baby. You are likely sleep deprived, a little anxious and all about the baby. You likely haven’t been given the thumbs up to drive yet either. You will want and appreciate an extra person by your side. It is normal to be nervous and forgetful around this time, so gratefully welcome support.

3. Prepare Baby

In a newborn exam, the doctor will ask you to undress your baby. So, limit buttons, layers and keep in simple with a one piece sleeper and diaper. Bring an extra diaper for after, since weight is taken diaper off. Bring a blanket for moments of waiting after undressing to keep your little one warm. Bring all other things you may be needing for baby in a normal 3 hour block; feeding supplies, a change of clothes, burp cloth, pacifier. Nothing extra will be needed.

4. Prepare You

This might be your first time leaving your home post birth. Do not stress about looking perfect or your own weight. Relax into the knowing that you get a “pass” for all of that right now. However, you can prepare by keeping a notepad nearby in the 2 weeks leading up to the appointment and jotting down all the questions that will pop into your mind during 3am feedings, and when you hear opinions and news on baby related topics. You will want clarification. Bring that notepad with you and ask away. The doctor will allow you time to express any concerns. Also, the doctor will ask you questions as well. Keep track of the following things so that you are prepared to answer questions, without having to recall every detail on the spot.

a. Feeding patterns/times

b. Sleeping patterns/positions

c. Quality of sleep for you and baby

d. Your own adjustment/mood

e. Immunization preferences and what baby received at birth ( this is a big topic, you may need to research to get a solid understanding of; and also totally okay to not be sure yet, hold off on anything not mandatory, and ask many questions about)

f. Digestive health, baby’s poo/pee texture and frequency

5. What to expect during the exam: The exam will usually start with the nurse or doctor taking the babies weight on a scale (undressed). She may ask you some preliminary questions. The doctor will check the baby’s weight, length, head circumference, heart, lungs, hips, genital and keep track of growth going forward. This exam will include an eye exam, listening to your baby's heart and feeling pulses, inspecting the umbilical cord, checking the hips, reflexes and expected development. Your pediatrician may say very little unless there is a concern or explain step-by-step. Either way, know you can always ask questions or to slow things down if you need more explanations. Your doctor will leave time for questions and discussion. This is for you as much as for them. You want to be comfortable with your child’s pediatrician. Note your own comfort level. Make sure your both believe in the same basic parenting values. As your baby gets older, this will enable you to parent with support and guidance

6. Leave with assurance: Make sure you are clear on what to expect when you go back home. You want to leave this appointment with knowledge to support your feeding, sleeping and care choices. You want to make sure you have gotten all your questions answered. Be aware of what would be considered typical or abnormal to watch out for. And anything you forget, don’t be afraid to call and ask.

When to call the doctor before your first appointment:

If your infant has a fever or is acting sick, isn't peeing, or isn't pooping normally or at all, is not eating or is in any way acting suddenly different than usual. Use your common sense and intuition. If anything feels off, calling is never a bad idea. Do not give medication to an infant younger than 2 months old without consulting a doctor first.

You are experiencing strong emotions, sadness, anxiety, moodiness and sleep deprivation are all very normal after birth. However, any time any of this becomes overwhelming or you desire help, call your pediatrician right away.

]]>Why Acupuncture is My Favorite Parenting ToolMargaret KostelnikThu, 16 Feb 2017 21:01:37 +0000http://www.designingmotherhood.com/blog-1/2017/2/16/why-acupuncture-is-my-favorite-parenting-tool570196b2356fb0751504fa5c:58237ab9f7e0ab31fc14a5fb:58a60fa31b631b9cd0c1fb57As a parent to two young girls (ages four and one) I am all too familiar with the stresses of parenthood. The sleepless nights, the juggling of scheduls and childcare, the constant awareness of safety, and the dreams of a bottomless supply of patience, I am LIVING it! The struggles are more than worth it and the joy that these two little people have added to my life is immeasurable, but there are days when it can be really tough.

As a licensed acupuncturist and board certified Chinese herbalist with a busy part-time practice in downtown Stamford, CT, I am constantly reminding my patients that self-care is NOT a luxury, it is a necessity. One of my resolutions this year was to commit to following my own advice.

What I love so much about Chinese Medicine is that it takes all of the systems of the body into consideration- from digestion to sleep to mood-and allows us to look at the interconnectivity of it all. Using acupuncture, herbal formulas, dietary and lifestyle modifications, we work towards restoring the balance of qi (loosely translated as energy or function) in the body. From a biomedical perspective, this is the balance of the physiological processes of all of our organ systems called homeostasis. Amazing research in the last decade has proven that acupuncture helps to regulate the body by accessing neuro-hormonal pathways by stimulation our bodies’ powerful self-healing mechanisms and by promoting production of neurotransmitters and natural painkilling substances, and can help to gently pull us out of the “fight or flight” sympathetic nervous system mode and back into the “rest and digest” parasympathetic mode- where our body does all it’s healing.

Many people know about the proven benefits that acupuncture has for general wellness, illness prevention, pain management, fertility support, insomnia, anxiety, digestion… the list goes on (and if you are curious- please ask!) But acupuncture as parenting tool? That’s probably a new one! In my clinical experience as an acupuncturist AND as a regular patient, I can confidently say that regular treatments can make a huge difference in managing all the stresses of modern parenting. I know that I am a better, happier, more energetic, patient and calm parent in the days following an acupuncture treatment. I sleep better and am better able to handle the curveballs that life throws when I am more rested. It is easier to keep my irritability in check when my body is producing proper endorphins (our feel good hormones) . I am happier and more energetic when my digestion is moving properly. I bounce back WAY quicker from the inevitable bugs that my little buddies bring home from daycare when my immune system is functioning at its best. And most importantly, I just feel great and that rubs off on my family.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the people who LOVES their work. I am so passionate about Chinese medicine and I love introducing people to a new way to look at their health. Nothing makes me happier than the emails I receive from new patients exclaiming things like “I slept like a baby every night this week!” or “I prepared myself for my normal painful menstrual cramps- but they never came!” or “I can’t believe it but my hands and feet are definitely not as cold.” (And that’s just a few I’ve received this week alone.)

Acupuncture is being covered by more and more health insurance plans now, and is very affordable when compared to conventional medical interventions and medications. The idea of being stuck full of needles may not sound relaxing, but it really is- most people say it’s the most zen they have ever felt. And while many people come to me as a “last resort” when their other treatments haven’t helped, I like to teach my patients about the strength of acupuncture as a preventative tool, to keep you healthy and strong. If you’d like to learn more, don’t hesitate to contact me at sarah@fairfieldfamilyacu.com or 203-658-7850.

Written By:

Sarah Swanberg, M.S. L.Ac. Dipl. O.M, a board certified diplomate in Acupuncture and Chinese Herbology through the National Certification Commission of Acupuncture and Oriental Medicine (NCCAOM) and is licensed to practice in CT. She holds a Masters of Science in Traditional Oriental Medicine from Pacific College of Oriental Medicine in NYC. Sarah is passionate about using the time-honored traditions of Chinese Medicine to help people of all ages, from infancy through adulthood, regain and maintain optimal health. She holds advanced certificates in Pediatrics, Pain Management, Fertility, and Facial Rejuvenation Acupuncture. Sarah lives in North Stamford with her husband and two daughters.Fairfield Family Acupuncture, LLC

]]>Infant Stomach Sleeping SleepMargaret KostelnikThu, 02 Feb 2017 21:22:06 +0000http://www.designingmotherhood.com/blog-1/2017/2/2/infant-stomach-sleeping570196b2356fb0751504fa5c:58237ab9f7e0ab31fc14a5fb:58939f2e3a0411f45289bdc8I have seen and heard the subject of infant stomach sleeping popup online, in personal conversations and even in yoga class recently. Looking through online threads, researching and as part of real life conversations it is clear there is no "answer." I often wonder when an infants rolls over in their sleep if it is a sort of early instinct to protect the most vulnerable part of their bodies? Infant stomach sleeping became a big no no in the early 90s and since that time we have seen a drop in SIDS. However, there is no direct scientific explanation only that stomach sleeping can be a factor in SIDS. According to babycenter.com, Babies between 1 and 4 months old are most at risk for sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), and 90 percent of cases occur in babies under the age of 6 months. By definition, SIDS doesn't happen after a child's first birthday. ... Another cause of sleep-related deaths in babies is accidental suffocation.What are parents to do? It looks like a quiet questioning and revolt to the stomach sleeping guidelines has been happening since the early 2000s. Often parents make choices based somewhere between science, knowing their baby and myth. Ultimately it comes down to doing your research, talking to pediatrician and having sleepless nights. Learn MoreDesign Blog RSS

Infant Stomach SleepingWe Are Not So DifferentHumanityMargaret KostelnikFri, 20 Jan 2017 16:45:54 +0000http://www.designingmotherhood.com/blog-1/2017/1/20/we-are-not-so-different570196b2356fb0751504fa5c:58237ab9f7e0ab31fc14a5fb:58823a9f197aeaa6fc3694f9Inspired by Junko Hata and all womenHere in the USA it’s the eve of the 2017 Women’s March on Washington. I cannot help but think how we are all more alike than different. As parents, parents to be and just as humans we all have the innate love of beauty and capability to day dream. We all crave to be loved and to receive acts of kindness. We all share in the need for sun, air, water and food to fuel our bodies. Whether we want to admit it or not we have all felt the disconnect from each other, from nature. At some point, we’ve been guilty of our eyes looking down on a device when they should have been focused up and outwards to the world in front of us. How can we begin to set aside our competition, our angst, our anger, our feelings of anxiety and judgement? How can we make our world and the world for children a better place? Like we teach children to turn off the faucet when they brush their teeth, we too need to remember it’s the small things. It starts somewhere in quiet moments of gratitude, simple acts of kindness, and the realization to slow down. So tomorrow whether you are man or woman, marching or not, I ask you to find it within yourselves for just a moment to open your heart and honor the incredible magnitude of life and to the feminine whose job it is to bring it into the world.
Design Blog RSS

Late in pregnancy my googling changed from wanting to know what the gestation of my baby looked like to the health and safety queries. Upon asking around we found a certified CPR trainer who came to our home. I gathered my husband and our pending nanny/babysitter in our living room for CPR and Heimlich training. Time moved along, my newborn became a healthy baby, we moved cautiously to solids and followed the latest recommendations on peanut allergies. My brother, a nurse, offered to give me a AHA family and friends refresher and I would sort of shrug it off, thinking we got this. It was late winter/early spring of 2016 I came across an article regarding a toddler chocking. It terrified me. Then life went on... one day I cut some cheese up to feed to my daughter. The next thing I knew- the Huffington Post article is flashing across my mind as I am trying to preform Heimlich on my daughter and thinking I am going to have call 911. Nothing short of a miracle the cheese popped out. My daughter hugged and pinched me (fair enough). It was in the moments after I calmed, I realized I never wanted another parent to be unprepared on how to give Infant and child CPR & Heimlich again. At first I did not teach classes I had a certified instructor come to my home and teach small private American Heart Association Heart Saver certification -CPR & Heimlich. Gathering training experience I learned not only did I want to become a certified CPR & BLS instructor, but I learned the importance of knowing CPR for adults as well as Infant and children. Through Design Motherhood we are able to offer private and group American Heart Association certification. Certification on your schedule in a setting you are comfortable with.