Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Dear Mommy & Daddy,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Veron when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Veron's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Veron in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Suyong got mad at Veron for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Veron said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?

The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Suyong gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Suyong said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Suyong is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Suyong wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Veron was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Suyong isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Suyong said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Love, Johnny

Monday, August 8, 2011

The story is related to a wholesaler in New York who sent a letter to the postmaster
Of a small Midwestern town. He asked for the name of honest lawyer who take
Debt collection cases for a local debtor who had refused to pay for shipping
of wholesaler's products. He sent the answer.

"Dear Sir:

"I am the postmaster of this village and acknowledged your letter. I am an honest lawyer, i
Will be pleased to accept the lawsuit against the local debtor. In this case, I also happen to be the person you sold those lousy goods to.I received your demand to pay, refused to honor it. I am also the banker whom you send the plan to draw on the merchant, and I sent it back with a note stating that merchant had refused to traders pay. And I, to replace our local church pastor for the time being, i Will say the only place where you can stick to your claim. "

Yet another Lawyer joke for your amusement :

A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn't want
to pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,”" replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it's only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him.”

Friday, August 5, 2011

This is what a guy wrote to systems analyst
(Marriage Software Division):

Dear Systems Analyst,

I am desperate for some help! I recently upgraded my program from Girlfriend
7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected Child Processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during systems initialization and then it monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as "Boys' Night out 2.5" and "Golf 5.3" no longer run, and crashes the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate selected "Saturday Rugby 6.3" always fails and "Saturday Shopping 7.1" runs instead.
I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications. Be it online or offline.

I am thinking of going back to "Girlfriend 7.0", but uninstall doesn't work on this program. Can you please help?

... AND THIS IS WHAT ANALYST SAID:

Dear Customer,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding of the functions of the Wife 1.0 program. Many customers upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITY AND ENTERTAINMENT PROGRAM. Actually, Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its Creator to run everything on your current platform.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0, as Wife 1.0 was not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the System once it is installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors' Fees).

Having Wife 1..0 installed, I recommend you keep it Installed and deal with the difficulties as best as you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the.........
C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE Program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-Key for it will freeze the entire system.

It may be necessary to run C:\ APOLOGIZE\ FORGIVE ME.EXE a number of times, and eventually hope that the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0, although a very high maintenance programme, can be very rewarding.
To get the most out of it, consider buying additional Software such as "Flowers 2.0" and "Chocolates 5.0" or "HUGS\ KISSES 600.0" or "TENDERNESS\ UNDERSTANDING 1000.0" or even Eating Out Without the Kids 7.2.1" (if Child processing has already started).

DO NOT under any circumstances install "Secretary 2.1 " (Short Skirt Version)
or "One Nightstand 3.2" (Any Mood Version), as this is not a supported Application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly CRASH.

BEST WISHES! and if everything fails, contact software maker- tech support and ask to speak to the Head of Operations - named GOD for solutions to all your wife.1 software problem.