The MacGyver Cookbook

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
* Frequent flier coupons
* One medium paper clip (not plastic coated)
* One movie ticket stub
Now remember that chocolate chip cookies are supposed to be a nice relaxing kind
of food, so the first thing you'll want to do to make them is to go somewhere where
you can kick back and relax. Ecuador is good, so use your frequent flier coupons to
pick up a round trip ticket there. The stewardess will hand you a couple of bags of
peanuts, but don't eat them, since we're going to need those for the cookies.
You'll find yourself sitting next to an attractive woman who teaches archaeology at
Cornell; she'll explain that she's going to Ecuador to try to find her father--a
biochemist by trade, but he dabbles in archaeology as a hobby--who went down there
to find the lost pyramid of Sesquichachloride, well known in archaeological circles
as the fabled storehouse of the god Valhequesal who, according to myth, rode down
from the skies on a pillar of fire bringing with him a wealth of powerful but
somewhat failure-prone magical devices that, according to the priests of the day,
were pretty darn all-around nifty.
Now her father, after examining several stone tablets depicting the god Valhequesal,
discovered that he is always shown wearing a curious bracelet on his left wrist that
looks surprisingly like a digital watch, leading him to the conclusion that
Valhequesal did actually exist, but he was really an advanced space traveler with
comparatively poor taste in accessories, and that the lost pyramid of
Sesquichachloride must contain his spacecraft and untold other devices from his
world. About this time, the stewardess will bring by the main meal and you'll want
to be sure to save the little packets of salt and butter that come with your meal--
the woman next to you will be too worried about her father to eat and so you'll want
to take her packet of butter and go ahead and keep her crackers too.
When you get off the plane in Ecuador, just go out to the front of the airport and
try to locate a cab. There won't be any, for some reason, so you'll go inside to
inquire about where transportation might be found and some guy will stumble against
you and when you look at him, you'll notice that he's been stabbed in the left side
and is bleeding pretty profusely. With a weakly shaking hand, he'll thrust the key
to a safety deposit box into your hand, gasp something about "be careful of the
poison ivy" and expire messily on the floor of the terminal. You'll decide that maybe
waiting for a cab is the better part of valor and head back outside--on the way,
though, be sure to stop at the concession stand and ask for a half pound of chocolate
chips. The clerk will measure the appropriate amount and put it in a bag for you. Be
sure your movie ticket stub is visible in the handful of change you pull from your
pocket to pay her. She'll reach down under the counter and then surreptitiously drop
a roll of microfilm into your bag along with the chocolate chips, then hand you the
bag, saying, "On the house."
At this point, speed is of the essence--get back outside the concourse before a
swarthy man with a mustache strides up to the snack shop holding a movie ticket stub.
Moments later he and the clerk will run out the door looking for you, just as the
woman who sat next to you on the plane drives up in her rental car and offers you a
lift. Cheerfully accept, and hop in before the man with the mustache disconnects the
safety on his gun. If all goes well, you'll both be out of the parking lot and on
your way before he has time to squeeze off more than one shot--and he'll miss on the
first one anyway and the woman driving the car will think it was just another vehicle
backfiring. She'll be kind enough to offer to let you stay in her hotel room, but
she'll need to stop off at the bank first to take care of a little business. While
she's talking with the bank representative, you casually wander back to the safety
deposit boxes and open the one that matches the key. In it, you'll find a fair sized
paper bag containing bags of flour, sugar, baking soda, and a large bottle of calamine
lotion; take this along with the folded piece of paper lining the bottom of the
safety deposit box. Go back to the lobby just as she's getting ready to leave.
Once the two of you get back into the car and start driving, unfold the piece of
paper--it's a map leading to somewhere deep in the Ecuadorian jungle. Look more
closely at it just as your companion notices the map, gasps, nearly runs the car off
the road, and exclaims "That's my father's handwriting!" From this point on, it's
pretty straightforward--just trek through the jungle with her for a few days, evade
the occasional drug lord and that guy with the mustache, locate the hidden temple
and descend down a long pole into its depths, and locate the treasure room.
There'll be a large golden idol in the northwest corner with huge rubies for eyes, a
golden bowl in his lap, and a bird's nest on his head. Put the butter from the plane
into the bowl and stir until softened. Get the gold cup to the left of the idol and
add two cupfuls of sugar to the butter, stir until creamed. And two eggs from the
next, one swiss army knife spoonful of baking soda and two and a half cups of flour,
being sure to remove the large plastic bag of cocaine that was hidden in the bag of
flour first. Mix well, add the peanuts from the flight and the chocolate chips from
the bag, pocketing the microfilmed list of drug contacts first, and place by swiss
army knife spoonfuls onto the silver tray propped up against the back of the idol.
Once the cookie batter is on the tray, your companion will ask to lick the bowl, but
in doing so will bump against the gold torch held in the idol's right hand and there
will be a low grinding sound as the stone block that forms the doorway to the drug
smugglers' lab slides out of the way and you'll see her father chained to a lab table
being forced to refine drugs for the smugglers. While they're having a beautiful and
happy reunion, pick up a strange device from the outer room and bring it into the
lab where there's better light for a closer inspection. Be sure to bring the cookie
sheet too and set them next to each other on the lab table. Your companion and her
father will be trying to figure out how to get him unchained while you note that the
device in question is clearly of extraterrestrial manufacture and appears to be some
sort of highly powerful laser cutting device--except that it shows signs of being
dropped, breaking the actuator wire and misaligning the front partial mirror.
Tell them to be quiet for a moment as you use the fish scaling blade from your swiss
army knife to realign the partial mirror to one quarter wave and then unfold the
paper clip, using it to reconnect the high voltage trigger to the laser firing
mechanism. Have him stand back while you use the high powered laser to cut through
the chain holding him to the table and, incidentally, the wall on the other side of
the room, alerting the drug smugglers to your presence. They'll burst into the room
and one will fire a pistol at you, missing you but hitting the laser, forcing it
permanently on and cracking the rear reflector, bathing the area--the cookies in
particular--with high energy radiation. Now get chased around the interior of the
temple for a while and, just after the second brief romantic moment where you kiss
her and think "Gosh, for someone who's been running around the Ecuadorian jungle for
nearly a week, her hair's not greasy at all," the cookies should be done.
Run back through the drug lab, grab the cookie sheet, noting that the cooling system
for the laser has failed and it's about to explode, and run to the outer room where
the three of you scale the pole with the bad guys in hot pursuit. By the time you
reach the top of the pole, the bad guys will be halfway up it already, so uncap the
bottle of calamine lotion and pour it onto the pole, causing them to fall back into
the temple as you and your companions escape into the jungle depths just moments
before the entire secret temple explodes, destroying the drug smuggling operation
along with all the extraterrestrial artifacts.
By now the cookies should be cool enough to eat. Enjoy. Your companions will have a
few too, wistfully sighing over the loss of so much knowledge so senselessly, as
you take another cookie and notice that the metal sheet you baked them on has etched
onto it the plans for what appear to be some sort of space drive.
Anyway, this is the best chocolate chip cookie recipe I've ever tried--I've made it
dozens of times and haven't had a single bad batch yet.