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Five easy steps to becoming a liberal

1) Oppose anything that favours wealthy, white men and their corporations

Whites are the most depraved race on the face of the Earth. The male of the race are particularly deplorable, and should they also be wealthy, you will know that they are the primary cause of all problems in the world today, and should be opposed.

2) Oppose anything that looks as though it relies on individual responsibility

The only valid moral judgement comes from our community. Self-interest, self-advancement and self-defence are unacceptable, because they come at an unacceptable cost. All toil and our labour must be for the greater good, for the rest of society, not for ourselves. We must equalise the world, by force if necessary. Individual success should be punished, and individual failure should be rewarded. The community, not the individual, is in charge of decision-making, because the individual will only make selfish choices that harm the community. You should go to work, not to get paid, but because your society depends on it. So go on, jump to it.

3) Oppose anything that resembles human betterment or ambition.

Humans have gone far enough in the wrong direction. We are the plight of this world, more than any disease or beast of the jungle. Our selfishness has resulted in nothing but misery. All human betterment comes at some other unjustifiable cost: global warming, poverty, the death of beautiful animals. We have plundered and mutilated to get where we are, and it needs to stop as soon as possible. We should scale back our ambition and proliferation. In fact, it may be better if we all just rolled over dead.

4) Oppose anything that derives from the United States of America

America was founded upon the idea of individual responsibility. As mentioned in Rule 2, individual responsibility is evil, and therefore should be opposed. Fast food, the suburban lifestyle, planes, shopping malls, private property rights, personal firearm ownership, food processing techniques, automobiles, jeans, Hollywood movies, Coca-Cola, large American corporations and all other American influence is therefore necessarily evil, and need to be avoided and/or resisted as much as possible. These are collectively referred to as the result of American imperialism. If you should feel the need to visit America (shudder), try and restrict your activity to one of the more ‘balanced’ centers of liberalism such as New York City, Washington DC or San Francisco.

5) Avoid talking about liberal alternatives

You may have noticed that the above four steps involve simply opposing the positions of others. Unfortunately, the world is not ready to hear what we would propose to do instead. Therefore it is recommended that you avoid talking about liberal alternatives to the problems of the world. It is not that we are embarrassed of, ashamed of, or unable to provide our solutions; but they’re simply not convincing. So, instead, be anti-whatever it is we are opposing, rather than be pro-whatever it is us liberals actually believe. Thank you.

Take these five steps, and you will become a perfect liberal, without the requirement of much thought or effort.