Monday, October 30, 2006

Coffee-Free Ohio: Let's Clear The Air

When I was young, I used to drink a lot of coffee. But later in life, I quit.

As I found, coffee irritates my stomach and triggers my migraine headaches. So I stopped drinking it altogether. In fact, these days, even the smell of coffee makes me queasy. I do not have the facts yet, but I am sure there has to be scientific proof that smelling coffee is bad for my health.

With that in mind, I propose a law to ban all brewing and drinking of coffee in all public places, including but not limited to: places of employment, bars, restaurants, bowling alleys, and, naturally, coffee shops. (Starbucks may continue brewing whatever it is they sell, as it is clearly not coffee.)

Of course, I realize that many people have been coffee-drinkers all their lives, and are addicted to caffeine. It will be difficult for them to quit. There are also many people who are not heavy users, but enjoy a cup of coffee every now and then. By instituting a coffee ban, I will stop them from enjoying their beverage of choice.

It is not my call, some say, to tell these people what to drink and when to quit drinking it. I say, baloney. It is obvious to anyone with more than two working brain cells that coffee-drinkers are morons, incapable of deciding what's good for them. Somebody needs to step in and make that decision on their behalf. I will be more than happy to be that person. To further help them, I'm going to make coffee-drinking a criminal offense, punishable by law. They'll thank me later for saving them from the dangers of yellow-stained teeth and coffee high.

If you think I am being ridiculous here, then vote for issue 4 and against issue 5.