This is what I know. I know that no matter how much I am learning about how to be a better woman, my husband also needs to be learning what it takes to be a better man. So often, these relationships are one-sided, and it’s time we stop fooling ourselves into thinking someone is as invested in us as we are in them, when they’ve made it clear that they are not. Have you ever heard the saying “trying to fit a square peg in a round hole?” That’s what it sounds like when I hear people talk about relationships that clearly they are the only one in.

If I had to think about the key to a successful relationship, I would say that it’s effort. Relationships take effort. I know that somehow we think in our minds that if a relationship takes work it may not be meant to be and that is just stupid. Okay that’s harsh, it’s just dumb. Lol. How can you expect two completely different people, with different upbringings, different insecurities, fears, etc., to move on one accord without any work? Sure some people may be naturally more compatible than others, but I guarantee you, I have not met a couple yet that will tell you that being together and staying together didn’t take work.

Sure the capacity of our efforts may vary. But you can’t be in love by yourself. Relationships will take putting yourself aside on many occasions for the overall wellness of the relationship. You both will have to try. And from the outside looking in, it seems that’s where many of us are lacking. We’re afraid to put in the effort. We’re uncertain that our effort will create the desired result and so what you have are lack luster efforts from both parties. You’re not willing and neither is your partner, yet you’re trying to make it work. Disaster.

Pardon my French, but half-assed effort just does not add up. If we could identify our selfish behaviors that would be the first step. But often we are so far in denial that we can’t even see where we have lacked in our efforts. We’re perfect right? And then there’s everyone else who clearly is messing up and doesn’t realize our greatness. But I assure you that there are peeps on both sides being selfish. Own that. It’s in our nature to be selfish. So it takes effort to be more giving of ourselves in the process.

If you are afraid to give a relationship your all because you may fail, you will never be successful. It’s like the person who wants to go to the NBA and never practice. Good luck. At the end of the day, relationships are a molding process. You will grow. There will be some pain, but ultimately on the other side there is something really beautiful about connecting to another human being in that way.

Listen, in my own relationship, we had growing pains. We had fights. I had moments when I was like “You sure God?” HA! And I am sure he had some of those moments as well. But we never stopped trying for one another. When we grow weary of trying, that is where trouble ensues.

So, you need effort for sure. But the other side of that is effort on both sides. Tell me, why have you been wasting your time with someone who is not willing to give you the effort? There are some dating practices that just confuse the heck out of me. I.e. you want a relationship, but he is telling you he is not ready, yet you are sad you are not in a relationship. Hmmm. He is telling you right there that he is not willing to put forth the effort that it takes to make you comfortable. Why are you sticking around?

We waste too much time. And I am not saying that every person that you date is going to be your husband. Nor should you be moving through the line quickly to find him. Live your life and have fun for sure. But I am saying that sometimes you can avoid the unnecessary heartache if one, you listened to what your partner is actually telling you and two, if you took the time to actually access what it is you want. You can’t be blowing in the wind expecting your partner to know what you want and you can’t pretend to ignore the part where his actions say, “he don’t want you,” but he’s cool sleeping with you. Like really? Where do they do this at? Have you ever took the time to decide what you want? Whether that is just something fun or something committed?

If I know I want someone who I don’t have to chase. Someone who will call, who wants to spend free time with me, why would I allow myself to be caught up with the dude that only calls at 2am, that is always hitting me with the “I been busy” text and that is Instagraming but can’t call. No effort.

At the end of the day, there is enough heartache that we will experience in and out of relationships. Listen, it doesn’t stop because you found “the one.” Sometimes I am still hurting from experiences in my relationship and I’m sure it happens vice versa. You’ll still feel misunderstood, maybe rejected at times, but true love is resilient. We find our way back from the misunderstandings and disagreements. But the situations that are completely avoidable, why would we be subjecting ourselves to that? Why would we let someone tell us, “I am not willing to put forth the effort,” and be okay with that? Because that is at the crux of this thang man. When you allow this type of behavior, you are telling yourself you are not worth the effort.

I never really liked the guys that didn’t like me. I know that’s a thing. But if I was feeling you and you weren’t giving me the time of day, I was good. Lol. But it helped me to be in healthy relationships where both people wanted to be there. You will go through a ton with the person you love, at the base, at the foundation, you need to create an atmosphere of love that ignites the want to try. Always trying to make each other happy, always trying to be your best for one another and for yourselves.

Set the standard. “You must want to give this relationship some effort.” That will weed out a lot of the jokers and set you up with some amazing experiences.