Alone and Fully Aware

Feeling my heart ache, echoes off my wall of loneliness. I feel the pain sink to the bottom of my stomach. Nothing I can do can fill my loneliness; I try to eat hoping the full feeling of food takes away the pain of a broken heart.
The memories flood to me when I should be concentrating on my surroundings (war, kill, stay, and alive). I feel the pain slap me in the face each time I think of J and I so happy together in the past. It burns my tongue each time I think of how much in love I was. Love made me a fool, a fool to believe people love people for who they are. It does not matter what color, sexual orientation, social status a person is, once you find love in that one of a kind person, love concurs all. Well love made me a fool to believe that. One special person ran away from love because it was not natural, accepted in society, and did not offer the same security as an apple pie life.
Loneliness follows me wherever I go. It smothers me like a black hole. I run ahead of it, and then as soon as I think I lost it, I turn the corner and it awaits my presence. Being away from family and friends has brought me pain as well. Being in a country that feeds off of negativity of killing each other and killing Americans feeds into the emotions I am feeling. Darkness seems to cast itself over the city of Baghdad. I see hungry and poor people; I see buildings falling apart, garbage stacked a mile high, garbage burning and the putrid smell. The whole city has a negative image of life. Their only happiness is having kids and dreaming of safety.
I feel their pain and loneliness of being in a country I am not welcome in, having a broken heart with no way to mend it, being alone from family and friends, and not knowing if I will come home alive is why I feel alone and fully aware.