The Search Engine Obstacle Course: Blurry Nazi Jizz

You know how this works: I use a Random Word Generator and a Random Curse Word Generator to find a set of totally random words that I plug in to the Google machine. After that, I click “search” and I try to find the most ridiculous website and photo that the results bring back. It’s fun and most of the time is horribly offensive…which is a good way to describe the internet as a whole.

So, let’s get to it.

Today’s set of words is…

Blurry Nazi Jizz

The Sites: Christwire.org is a site that I’m familiar with. I ran across it a few weeks ago while working on a project for another site. It is home to some of the most ludicrous fundamentalist Christian ramblings I’ve ever encountered on the internet (if it is to be believed, more on that later). But, my words can’t prove a damn thing. Here are some actual headlines from a section Christwire calls “Moral Alerts”:

See all of those headlines above? I didn’t cherry pick those. I didn’t wade through tons of normal headlines just to bring you them most ridiculous of the bunch. These are all one after another right down the list of articles in the Moral Alerts section. In other words, this is what their daily content looks like.

In a way, though, I wish I had come up with all of those titles. If I did, I would be known the world over as the greatest satirist that had ever lived. Christwire’s entire site is loaded with shit just like this that propagates every awful stereotype of dangerously unhinged, xenophobic, homophobic, Christian. Need further proof? Here’s the headline on the page that I got linked to when I ran my original search:

I Am Extremely Terrified Of Chinese People

And, staying true to the title, the body of the article is filled with little gems of misplaced hatred and ignorance, like this:

I am extremely terrified of Chinese people, but I am not racist. You should feel the same way too.

Only 60 years ago, these Asian peoples joined up with Adoldf Hitler in order to destroy the most moral nation on Earth. Even though their attacks took the life of many good men on a day of infamy, America was blessed to rain bombs of freedom and nurture resultant liberty within a very dark Asian culture.

I think the author is confusing the Chinese with the Japanese, much in the same way that I sometimes confuse the author with a farm animal.

From the time it’s formed as a zygote, even every Chinese baby’s heart is innately filled with much hate for not only you, but your children as well. It’s a part of their cultural heritage to hate the good Eest.

I think the author meant to say “East.” I think she also meant to say “West.”

So, as you’ve seen above, the woman that wrote this has a very loose interpretation of history. So loose, in fact, that she may have let her grip on reality slip away as well. See if you can follow the line of logic here:

Liberals want nothing more than to see a small population of American overran by billions of Asians. This is why they support abortion.

To put the randomness and lunacy of this statement in perspective, let me make the same kind of point but in a different way: black people want to kill all white people because blacks are really good at tying their shoes. I hope that cleared things up for you.

It all ends with this:

Unfortunately, next time they may pick you and your precious family as their Pearl Harbor! Call your politicians today and demand a return of McCarthy, all for you and and the bring joy to your kid’s future.

When she says “McCarthy” she means Senator Joe McCarthy. In other words, she wants America to revert back to a time when we randomly accused innocent citizens of being enemies of the state. Yep.

Thankfully, I’m not the only one that thinks Amber, the author, is a little nutty. Here’s but a small sampling of the comments section under the article:

But here’s the weird thing about Christwire: no one on the internet is sure if it’s a fake site or not. Some believe it to be an elaborate satire on extreme Christian beliefs, others hope to God it’s fake, because if not, we’re all doomed. Christwire has never come out and stated if they were satire, but some speculate that it’s actually affiliated with The Onion, the masters of internet satire. Let’s hope it’s fake.

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I am the managing editor of this fine comedy site you're currently on, FunnyCrave.com, and I have been with the site since it began in mid-2009. I am also an editor and contributor for HolyTaco.com. I have also written for the prestigious Cracked.com, Playboy's TheSmokingJacket.com, along with a series of other sites. If you would like to contact me, you can reach me at LuisRafaelPrada@gmail.com