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Nick's G-Rated Humor List
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly,
but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank
.... proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and heat it, too.
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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton
fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became
known as the lesser of two weevils.
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A threelegged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up
to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After
about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he
said, "I can't stand chess Nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a
family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells
her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her
husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've
seen Amal."
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These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up
a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to
buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town
thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close
down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to
close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the
friars to get out of business. They ignored her too. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug
in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and
trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.
Terrified, they did so thereby proving ...
... that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
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... and a final thought ....
(no pun intended!!)
A computer without a Microsoft
operating system is like a dog
without bricks tied to its head.
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