Asbos to be replaced by compulsory street dance

Young offenders who would have been issued with Anti-Social Behaviour Orders will have to serve time performing street dance, the Home Office has announced.

‘Everyone knows that street dance prevents the young from getting involved in crime,’ said Home Secretary Theresa May, ‘which is why any young person found behaving badly will now be forced to join a hip-hop crew and learn to lay down some moves.’

Young offenders will be expected to stay in the system until they can demonstrate a fully choreographed routine to be judged by the local community. ‘Before they leave, I want to see these kids krumping, grinding and performing a backspring flic-flac,’ said Mrs May, ‘I like to see it as a short sharp body pop.’

The Home Secretary also announced that the police are to be issued with the power to impose ‘on-the-spot moonwalks’ whereby troublesome kids would have to spend the rest of the day gliding backwards, making committing further misdemeanours much more difficult.