Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Bike Jousting With Windmills: Opinion, Irony, and the Search for Sincerity

As the summer wears on, so does the war between cyclists and, well, everybody else--at least in the press. And the latest skirmish appears to be taking place on the bike path in downtown Manhattan, where according to the Downtown Express (whatever that is) cyclists are disregarding signs telling them to dismount their bicycles:

Let's be honest--barring the presence of stairs, no cyclist is going to dismount his or her bike in any outdoor space (especially if he or she is wearing road shoes). Yet as a cyclist, it pains me to read this. Not because my fellow cyclists are disregarding the rules, but because every cyclist should know the proper technique for riding your bicycle where you are legally supposed to walk it, and that is to remain on the bicycle with your feet on the pedals but to squat down on the top tube and roll through slowly without pedaling. Like a dog perking its ears up and wagging its tail, this communicates to pedestrians and law inforcement a message of submission, and while you may not technically be walking the bike you're not riding it either, and that's usually good enough for them. On the other hand, riding through with your hands in the drops and your ass in the air is a clear sign of aggression, and is akin to flattening your ears on your head, barring your teeth, and salivating. And running next to the bike and jumping on and off of it like some kind of confused cyclocross racer (as in the excerpt above) will just make you look stupid.

So while cyclists may be in the news for all the wrong reasons lately, it's important to remember what Oscar Wilde once said, which is that "The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about." I'm not sure what that means, but I'm guessing it's somehow relevant. But one thing I do know though is the only thing better than being talked about is being talked about by the Opinionated Cyclist:

A reader made me aware of OC a few months ago and I became a fan almost immediately. In fact, I was so enamored of him that I emailed him repeatedly with interview requests like a desperate suitor. Unfortunately, though, no reply was forthcoming, and I eventually resigned myself to a life without OC. That is, until a reader notified me that I had become the subject of a number of his videos.

It seems OC had been put off by what he saw as disrespectful treatment of him on this blog, particularly my portrayal of him in his green face paint, and he has requested in one of his videos that I not post any pictures of him in a "derogatory manner." He's also added a dialogue bubble to his video for emphasis, as you can see above. (I'm hoping that he does not interpret my posting the very picture of him admonishing me as "derogatory.")

Although that video is interrupted by what appears to be a phone call from his mother, in the second video he goes into some detail about how he felt when I contacted him, and in the third he continues to discuss me while simultaneously and deftly incorporating a plug for airfree tires. Perhaps most intriguing (to me anyway) is the proposal he makes to me in the most recent video, in which he suggests we fill in for each-other when we take vacations, and also alludes to his expertise in the area of the "whores in the Philippines."

I would gladly entertain such a proposition (whores excluded), though I'm reluctant to give him my Blogger username and password as he suggests. I'm also reluctant (though oddly tempted) to don the famous OC green face paint and make Youtube videos, which is another one of his ideas. However, I have emailed him as he requested, and I'm hoping that we can find a way to work around these minor impasses and somehow collaborate. Because while such a collaboration would undoubtedly be quite lucrative as he points out, it's you, the reader, who has the most to gain in the currency of entertainment, and as always I will continue to put you before myself.

The truth is, I have a weakness for quixotic quests, and unlocking the riddle of Opinionated Cyclist is one of them. Another one of them is the complete eradication of all pie plates, except for those on fixed-gears. And yet another new one I've recently undertaken is to discover a completely unironic bicycle.

As you may have noticed, the world is now filled with ironic bikes. It's the rare bicycle that doesn't have at least one slightly ironic element, whether it be a tongue-in-cheek sticker, or a retro component on a carbon frame, or an intentionally juvenile bell or something. Even I myself ride an ironic Orange Julius bike (which as I revealed last week does have fenders--a necessity when riding through goose leavings).

But as any resident of Brooklyn, or San Francisco, or Portland can tell you, being surrounded by irony can get quite tiring after awhile. Sure, it can be entertaining at first, but after awhile it becomes really annoying. It's like how when you first get to England you're amused by the fact that the cars are on the wrong side of the road, but after about three or four days you're sick of "looking left" and wish they would just drive the normal way.

So I've been searching for a competely unironic bike. And by "searching" I mean that I've been looking at bikes people are emailing me, as well as at internet galleries. Of course, as you can imagine, this isn't exactly the best way to find a sincere bicycle. For example:

This bicycle, forwarded to me by a reader, is about as ironic as it gets. Modifying a Bianchi so that the downtube reads "Biach" and then placing it in front of a shrine to the Virgin Mary (at least that's who I think it is--remember, I'm an Ultra-Orthodox Jew apparently) is ironic enough to make even the hairs of the most stalwart fixster's ironic moustache stand on end. No sale.

This bicycle was found and photographed in Goa, India by another reader. While also ironic, I feel as though I'm getting closer here, if only because the irony is not intentional. I'm sure whoever labeled the bike did mean to sincerely imply that the bicycle was formidable. Of course, irony abounds here nonetheless, especially because while the bicycle is in fact deadly that's mostly because it's a serious tetanus risk.

This bicycle, forwarded to me by yet another reader, arrived in my inbox only this morning. While bizarre, clearly it is the work of someone who is almost painfully sincere. As wacky a contraption as it is, the rear rack, fenders, and internally-geared hub scream practicality, and the hammock seat is probably supposed to be perineum-friendly. The guy who built this bike probably wears wool socks with sandals, is somehow affiliated with a university, and likely builds lots of other stuff too--he might even have a breakfast machine like Pee Wee Herman. But still, he probably revels in the bike's ugliness, and that's a form of irony, so I'm not going to allow it.

First, Aerospokes were just crappy wheels a few people thought were cool. Then, they were hip. Then, people started spelling it "Arrospok" and they became ironic. Now, like any number of ironic accessories and like the fixed-gear craze itself, they've broken on through to the other side and are, once again, just crappy, except now a lot of people think they're cool instead of just a few. Like this guy, which is why he has two of them.

Likewise, showing off both your bike and your torso in a gym is ridiculous, but it's not ironic. Gyms may be full of iron, but they are irony-free zones, and the people who patronize them are generally irony-free as well. For this to be ironic, he would have to know how ridiculous he looks, and I don't think he does.

I guess maybe the fact that he calls himself "Fatty" but isn't might be ironic, but I'd argue instead that it's vain. He wants you to notice he's not a fatty and that he works out. He may or may not also want you to notice that he bears an eerie resemblance to B-Real from Cypress Hill:

However, for me he evoked something more profound that I could only express in this Nigel "The Torch" from "Top Secret!"/Pete Steele from his Carnivore days/Ogre from "Revenge of the Nerds" triptych:

Somehow it just seems to capture the spirit of island-inspired jewelry and testosterone.

There's certainly irony in this shot of the owner in motion:

And that irony lies in the fact that it evokes that same look of surprise, fear, and kinetic urgency you see in the famous Sasquatch photo:

Of course, this irony was probably not intentional, so it should reflect on neither the owner nor the bike. So, having concluded to my own satisfaction that the owner is not an ironic person, and thus is incapable of having built an ironic bicycle, I'm going to declare this bicycle completely irony-free.

barring the presence of stairs, no cyclist is going to dismount his or her bike in any outdoor space (especially if he or she is wearing road shoes).

Yeah, I used to think that, until I took up mountain biking. My new rule is: (1) ride down the stairs on any bike; (2) ride up the stairs too if the bike's tires are 700x30c or fatter and it's a cross bike, a MTB, or your buddy's Colnago C-50.

guilty of flagrant disregard of said signage. i do the top-tube thing occasionally; the fixed version is getting out of the saddle and doing this exaggerated pedaling-while-standing thing that says I SEE YOU AND I AM MAKING SURE YOU SEE ME SO WE CAN BOTH AGREE THAT I AM NOT GOING TO HURT YOU.

I though that last pic was BSNYC walking through Central Park on his way to his very successful laser hair removal treatments back in 2003. I've ironicized my Bike Snob NYC stickers to "Bi YC". It's way cooler that way. Way cooler.

I also scraped off all my Cervelo letters and have "Phuc yew" on the downtube. It's Chinese.

i'm starting to think that the word 'ironic' is getting overused in situations where another word is called for. But if it turns out that ironic means "these parts or this hairstyle are either shit or unattractive, but I have them anyway because I'm a nonconformist" then yeah, that's a new definition of ironic, i guess. I don't know.

Aw, being transgressive on the Xtians is pretty lame. About all they do when angered is ask for a special donation on one of the TBN network shows.

Now, if he had parked his "bitch" bike in front of The Jewel of Medina, that would have been cool. I'm assuming Osama would respond with one of the bike bombs he's apparently building since the military has recently closed the bike trails through places like Camp Lejeune.

Which makes me wonder: Would al-Queida choose Cervelo? Or would a "big tube" C-dale better serve their purposes?

Implying that the Holy Lady of Guadalupe is a Biach may have some irony to us lapsed christians. That's what the holy pedophile priests tried to do to Mary Magdalene. So maybe this Biach rider is suggesting that he is Jesus.

OK, I fell for that crap and my IQ now tests 10 points lower than it did 5 minutes ago. I don't think the suicide levers are ironic either. If you fast forward to the end, there are a couple shots of the OC wearing some kind of straw hat. No grease paint, though.

I have a question: Does riding a store bought, stock, Specialized Langster road bike, with 2 brakes, singlespeed on the free wheel hub (I've got an option for fixed) make me a pussy/poseur? I'm not sure if all the fixed gear riders are looking at me because my bike is lame or because I'm pretty fly for a white guy.

I have followed your blog for a year and am a big fan of your humor, a humor largely based on making fun of people. However, I have to point that that I think you went a bit far in this post by making a joke out of sexual human trafficking in the Philippines. I hope you can apologize for this formally to your readers, especially those of us who are Filipino, because of the seriousness of the subject.

yokota fritz - i saw you on bikesnobnyc. i was eating an english muffin, mousing with only one hand, when i you passed by between george and anonymous. i wanted to chat it up with you but i was blocked by the powers of the internet. i was thinking to mice elf "man, i would like to know more." coffee sometime? do you feel the same way about me?

BikeSnob,I'm afraid I must disagree with you on "Fatty's" irony-lacking bike, as it is the most ironic bike in your entire post. To wit; his downtube advertises "Leader", yet his dual Aerospokes literally scream "follower".Oh sweet irony!

Oh Snob, I'm so dissapointed that you were unfamiliar with the Pedersen! At least you didn't attack the Toyota Van its attached to. Then I'd have no choice but to drive my YO BUS down to NYC and run down every chicken suit wearing, orange julius ridin', jew I could find. The toyota van has been my misunderstood vehicle of choice for six years and counting.

Um, I guess it's also ironic that I'm too stupid to post a link correctly.

@bikewhorderI had an 86 Toyota panel van for a while. No heat, no A/C and you had to kick the rear hatch while pulling on the handle to open it.But I could fit 4 people and their bikes/gear all INSIDE the van.I loved that thing....

Your beef is with the OC not RTMS. He was just referencing a quote from the OC where he basically says "between my opinions of the whores in the phillipines and your opinions of cycling in NY... I mean what else is there, we've got everything covered." Not sure if you were serious, but if you were, there you go.

OC is not the 'retarded kid' at school, he's the 'school idiot'. There's nothing wrong with him. He knows better, but he just chooses not to take that path.

But, he's at least 1/2 a step up from the 'roided out, gym guy with the poseur bike running flat pedals. I guess he doesn't need brakes or clips/straps to slow him down. Cars and peds must just avoid him because he oozes 'attitude'.

I wasn't put off by BSNYC's quoting OC... i was upset that BSNYC used it in the next sentence as a part of joke and thus trivializing the whole issue, when I feel it is offensive to use such a serious issue in that manner:

I am sure for the usual bag of golden ducats that your solicitor and the OC’s parole officer and medical adviser can come to a suitable business arrangement. And given “the riddle about the OC” perhaps he can become the next Riddler in Batman , where it allows him to paint his face in technocolour glory and receive funding… but there again he would probably trade that off for a bag of non prescription medications

I'll admit I'm not very familar with the severity of sexual human trafficking in the philippines, I'm sure its not a funny situation, BUT, I will maintain that snob is innocent of any wrong doing, because if you watch the videos where the OC makes totaly out of the blue referances to philippineo whores and the need for more of them, you simply cannot comment on his monologues without addressing the "whore issue". I'll grant you that technically, yes, adding "whores excluded" to the next sentence was a bit of a stretch when you really analize it, and I'll admit I did laugh when I first read it. But I think you also have to admit that taken in the context (or lack there of) of the oc's rants, it is only a normal human reaction to laugh at his bizarre train of thought. I too have been a daily reader of the snob for close to a year and I believe he is about as decent and moral as we humans get. His brilliance is in his ability to percieve and articulate all that's wrong with this world and I'm sure his comment was not meant to poke fun of the human trafficking that is going on in the philippines. You sound like a bright guy, surely you can see that.

If we were arguing about the intent of BSNYC, you might be right. But what I'm sayting is, irregardless of his intentions, the fact that he consciously used a reference to filipino whores in a joke crossed the lines of comedic decency ("whores excluded" bud dum chhh). Its one thing to point out how rediculous OC's comments were... its another thing to take those comments, spin it, and use it for a cheap laugh - bottom line is I was offended and I wanted to speak out... if you were not offended then lets agree to disagree on this one.

First, you dorks despise me for driving my H1. Then you trash my Lexus grocery getter. Now you sneer at my ironic coffee car. You schmucks would no doubt find something wrong with my AMP mountain bike that came with one car or another. I love that bike. I even ride it on trails sometimes, but I get the same kind of looks I get when I drive my Escalade down to do my community service at the shelter. Envious little jerks everywhere!

Regarding the opinionated cyclist;Before engaging in a relationship with him any further, might I recommend a book called 'The Gift of Fear' by Gavin DeBecker?What you will learn may very well save your life..

You know riding down the road with Alex K. behind you would have a calming effect on those road raging motorists! Try and run him down he might just flip your car over with you in it.

Oh, and if you fall off a bridge into a river he'll jump in and save your ass even if the water has a thin layer of ice on it.

I have to admit though he doesn't look like your typical cyclist nor the artist type. I guess I should stop stereotyping, because my first thought was that he was training to become a pro-wrestler or the next American Gladiator.

'that crazy multi-mixte-looking thing w/ the hammock saddle is either very old vintage or a repro.'...it sure is! its a bike made in Denmark over 100 years ago. More info here:http://www.pedersen-bike.dk/history.htm

We spotted a guy on one of those Pederson bikes on Governor's Island last weekend and wondered what it was. It was being ridden by an older gent, definite academia type, no socks-n-sandals, but I'm sure I remember seeing some tweed in his ensemble!

Hey, I'm offended by people that are offended by practically anything anyone says anymore. It's really a power trip thing, I think. The Tyranny of Minority or a new kind of Facism is what it smacks of. I don't believe that dude that says he has been "reading the blog for a year" and just now got a bug up his ass. If he'd been reading for a year he would have been offended a long time ago. Hey 6:16 if you're so damn upset by conditions in the Philipines go there and do something about it, don't jerk off here.

It was nice of BSNYC to apologize. I'll bet he has nice table manners and and is always courteousand polite around his Bubbe (sp). Now RTMS on the other hand ...

BS, I spent a few months being OC's (Opininated Cyclist) best fan until he kinda lost it. I've moved on but it good to see the good OC is back again and on Utube. If you want some more insight on OC check out my Blog.

sometimes (often) i wish that bs had a vagina (or three) and the opportunity to procreate with oc(not that he doesnt have the

chance to try at this point).their genes, having the chance to mingle and assuming that all positive qualities each possess prove dominant, would birth forth a creature with superlative cycling/satirizing/kosherizing capabilities this planet yet to experience!

the opposite would be an unimaginable catastrophe!

either outcome, i definitely think bs was going in the right direction when he mentioned peewee herman

thanks for the apology, i really do appreciate your acknolegment of my response to this post. i know you probably didn't intend to insult of make light of a serious racial/gender issue, i tend to give the benefit of the doubt to everyone. but the effects of this post, given your exposure and audience, reach further than your intent and degrade the image of my culture's women etc. etc. its always risky to invoke race/gender in jokes, and theres a fine line between appropriate and offensive (regardless of intent) so thanks again :]

I know I should let it rest, but it just bothers me to see the snob apologize over such a minor mis-step, now if he had said "I welcome the proposition, especially with reguards to OC's experience with those filipino whores, those bitches are Fun-Tarded!" Then I could see where that might be viewed as offensive to some.

I think the $6,300 Fuji is a bit more ironic than the $666 Surley don't you? If you are going to recommend a tri bike why not a $1,200 Cervelo - you know a good race bike that someone in there 20's who is actually competing might be able to afford. - really there isn't that much that is ironic about biking - ironic are the folks who bought a big gas guzzling Ford 3 years ago and moved to the burbs.

Snob says that there is nothing ironic about gyms... I would like to add that that may be true, only where nobody drives a car to the gym, and all gym users ride bikes or walk there. Driving to the gym so you can sit on a stationary bike is about as ironic as it gets imho.

oh, and i <3 toyota vans from the 80s. almost as much as i <3 bicycles of any kind, ironic or not.

I KNOW FATTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!He got the nick name fatty because he was as skinny as a starved ethiopian in grade school then he started training and got big but the name still sticks. his girlfriend made that shirt for his birthday. that's not a show bike its his vehicle he's a car hating hippy not an OG! funniest guy i know! can't believe the inability to comprehend humour on this site! If you think his ride is ugg then you've got no sense of aesthetics. if you think he's serious than you r then you've got no sense of humor! he's gonna fall on his ass laughing when he reads this.....

oh if you wanna know who fatty really is he's the best artist i know:http://kleiderstudios.com/about.htmland he's the closest thing to a super hero you'll ever meet:http://adventuresofedrocker.blogspot.com/2007/02/real-life-hero-finally-recognized.html

I thought those Aerospokes were stationary bikes, hehehe. Would you mind if I use your Aerospokes photos in my article http://www.dogengine.com/used-stationary-bikes.php its about used stationary bikes and any input would be great! I'll be adding more content soon. Thanks!

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!