Spoof news stories from July 2014

There were 336 spoof news stories published in July 2014. A selection of the most popular stories is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get news stories from a day in this month.

New York - Russian mobster Roman Abramovich and Persian royal wannabe Reza Pahlavi are among dozens of foreign VIPs ousted from their respective armor plated SUVs this week and made to walk in a NYPD crackdown on unlicensed taxi drivers.
Adding i...

London - An anti-Putin groundswell is threatening to explode into the murky world of oligarch assets like Roman Abramovich's London gold vaults.
On Monday British Prime Minister David Cameron will sign an order for Diplomatic Protection Racket cop...

Social media was a buzz with outpourings of immense grief, a sense of universal loss and then feelings of anger; after it was announced actor James Garner, whose whimsical style in the 1950s TV Western "Maverick" led to a stellar career in TV and fil...

Born on the mean streets of Canterbury, British tough guy - actor Orlando Bloom - knows a thing or two about violence. Raised by a pair of hippies, Bloom was well known for his fighting skills - he was after all the leader of the Canterbury Cunts -...

US Soccer coach, German born Jürgen Klinsmann has been denied entry back into the United States after immigration officers held him for 8 hours for questioning before deporting him back to Germany.
Klinsmann, 49, who was born in Göppingen, West Ge...

JK Rowling, whose crime novels written under the pseudonym Robert Galbraith will eventually outnumber her Harry Potter books, has announced that she is planning a crime spree.
Our informant "Mick", who generally hangs out at the bus station rubb...

Zürich, Switzerland - Busy soccer fans can now extend their hectic days with a new World Cup innovation from FIFA. Called My Time™, the futbol souvenir puts the power of soccer scheduling into the hands of ordinary spectators.
Delivered wit...

"I blame President Obama for this," said an angry President Obama as traffic snarled on the I-95 just south of D.C. Honking his horn and cursing at other road users the angry President shook his head, "This is his fault, this traffic jam - and this s...

American soccer fans are furious after being knocked out of the World Cup thanks to a goal from third in line to the British throne, Prince Harry.
Despite the scoreboard showing the goal, scored in the seventh minute of extra time, being credited...

As Bob Dylan croons, "The Times They Are A-Changin'."
For years, experts had advised thinking OUTSIDE the box. Be different and unconventional, we were told. Look in areas where no one else is looking. Find unique solutions.
The problem is -- everyone who is anyone began thinking OUTSIDE the box. It's become too crowded out there. Thinking OUTSIDE the box has become the conventional,...

A good Samaritan, who helped an old lady across a busy street in Fort Lauderdale, has been revealed to be a total and utter 'cunt' by family members, and not the caring passer-by who helps old people.
"When I read about this 'Good Samaritan', who...

The entire Leeds United Squad has been transfer listed after they collectively refused to follow new owner Massimo Cellino's request of moving to Leeds.
The plan was for the players to become a close-knit squad, capable of obtaining an ever elusiv...

The head of the U.S. Border Patrol, James Bratcatcher, highly stressed from dealing with the sudden influx of children and young mothers with children from Latin America, has claimed that a solution to the international problem came to him in a dream...

Game of Thrones producers have announced that they are close to accomplishing what no other TV show has done before; cast, in some form or another - every actor born in the UK.
Already having featured every British thespian born in Scotland, North...

A Tybee Island man is threatening to sue 20th Century Fox for misrepresentation after watching the sequel to the 2011 film Rise of the Planet of the Apes; Dawn of The Planet Apes.
Scott Parker, 34, has filed suit claiming that after viewing the mo...

New York - Former mayor Michael Bloomberg personally demonstrated the safety of flying commercial jets to Tel Aviv recently, with a well executed publicity stunt in which he down played the threat of terrorist rockets that have been raining down on t...

New York City - Warner Bros. studio has announced plans to make a new movie called 'The Splurge' after the success of 'The Purge' films. But not everyone is happy about the idea.
'The Splurge' is about a 12-hour period one night each year when...

HELL---Longtime tabloid talk show host Jerry Springer was pronounced dead from a gorilla attack on Friday, soon after beginning his Final Thought segment at the end of the show, but was eventually revived by EMTs at the scene.
Friday's show, which...

Detroit - Rabbits' feet have proven to be unlucky for what used to be the world's largest car maker. The key chain charms have been fingered by General Motors engineers as the cause for sudden ignition shutdown that could affect millions of vehicles.

It was anything but a normal morning at Todd and Sarah Palin's Wasilla Alaska home. "I thought it was the garbage truck" said a befuddled Todd Palin "Then we heard all of these people outside, I thought it was just some fans, but then I looked out t...

Rome - Snubbed by The Holy Father, New York Mayor Bill de Blasio had a private audience with The Godfather on the first day of his Italian vacation. The meeting paid off immediately, with the mob boss agreeing to take over the operation of the New Yo...

Washington - A poll commissioned ahead of Independence Day has voted Barack Obama as America's worst ever president since George W Bush started the Arab World War III.
Second worst was Dubya himself followed closely by George Bush Senior, Preside...

New York - A mean-looking pregnant giant Mexican red rump tarantula, Brachypelma vagans, on the loose in Park Slope, NYC, has been reported scurrying close to the human frights lawyer's home.
This morning CCTV cameras picked up strange arachnid m...

Moscow - Russian President Putin has become bored with not having a worthy adversary on the foreign policy landscape due to President Obama's lack of interest in world affairs. The Russian leader always welcomes a challenge and believes having a...

Washington D.C. - An epidemic of hard drive crashes is sweeping this city and, for the first time in history, the number has exceeded the total number of car crashes that have occurred within the city limits since 2011.
It is truly uncanny how man...

New York - The Oscar-winning producer of One Blue Over The Cuckoo's Nest famously blamed his now-cured throat cancer on a bout of dodgy oral sex in a 'tasteless' quip that wife Catherine Zeta Jones said had left her feeling uncomfortable and down in...

Texas - In a move to signal to the nation how serious he is on solving the border crisis in Texas, President Obama launched a new Twitter campaign aimed at forcing the hordes of illegal immigrants trying to come into our country to instantly lose...

Washington D.C. - Ambassador to the United Nations, Susan Rice, has been dispatched to Russia by President Obama to assist President Putin in his cover-up attempt to hide the damage his soldiers did when they murdered nearly 300 innocent people a...

Egypt - Leaders of the Muslim Brotherhood and members of ISIS have made their strongest and most hard-hitting threats so far toward the United States in their bid to thwart US intervention into affairs in the Middle East.
The Brotherhood has h...

HARFOLD, Vt. - A study released this week by Harfold State College indicates that at least two out of every three happy Facebook status updates are posted by pathetic sons-of-bitches with miserable lives.
Junior Bertrand Russell produced his Faceb...

A Royal Performance by a mixture of Variety and Illusionist acts to mark Prince Phillip's Lifetime Award for not doing very much was topped by a spectacular hypnotic trick by Derrek Brown.
Prince Phillip was convinced by Brown that his hands were...

Gotfried Right was today jailed for life at a ground-breaking trial in the Superior Court of San Francisco. Gotfried, a professor of graphic design at the Academy of Art had set up a printing press in his garage and proceeded to print what the prosec...

Minneapolis - While it's not exactly a "Remember the Alamo!" battle cry, First Lady Michelle Obama is screeching that she will defend her signature school lunch program 'til the bitter end.'
Ironically, this is how a majority of Americans view...

Boston - Liberals are seething over the Supreme Court decision which allows Hobby Lobby to not have to offer certain birth control products which they believe induce abortions and which violate their religious beliefs.
Hateful people took to t...

The Nutrirocket food extractor is the latest, most scientifically-proven way to extend one's painful, lost existence indefinitely. Thanks to the most innovative in 21st century euphemisms, we have magically turned a 40 dollar blender into a $120.00 (...

Wilfred "Willie" Makett, star shortstop and fan favorite of the Detroit Tigers broke his right leg last night in a freak accident at his home during the All-Star break and will be sidelined for the balance of the season. He told hospital personnel th...

The state of Nebraska has passed strict regulations prohibiting texting while in a car accident. They have added the clause describing any such accident as "fatal or not," adding what they consider to be "real strength" to the law.
A spokespers...

Breaking research from the public interest group Consumers Committee for Responsible Consumption (CCRC) shows that the blood of newborn babies, long-touted for its high iron content and other supposed health benefits, is actually detrimental not only...

The office of Prime Minister Benjamin "Bibi" Netanyahu has explained obliteration of four twelve year old Palestinian boys yesterday was due to a likely connection to Hamas rockets buried nearby.
According to witnesses the boys were playing near t...

Washington D.C. - President Obama thinks he hit a home run today with his solution to the ever-looming Keystone Pipeline project that has been haunting him for several years now.
The president has decided to have the pipeline constructed and use i...

Wimbledon, London - World number one seed Serena Williams is up the duff if Wimbledon tournament rumors are to be believed.
A 3-0 game of double faults saw the winner of 32 Majors pull out early citing women's problems and a 'lack of balls'.
U...

Washington, DC Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner admitted calling the police on President Obama due to what he said was "terrible blight" conditions at the White House.
"Obama has let the grass get knee-high, with a couple of junk cars...

With the Football world cup winding down, there has been a number of different reactions to teams as they head back to their respective countries.
One team that was especially nervous before the world cup was Iran.
They failed to win a single...

MANHATTAN -- NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that he will no longer penalize players for domestic violence, noting that consuming large doses of performance-enhancing Red Bull tarnishes the integrity of the game much more than smacking a...

New York City - Saturday Night Live had their skit for 'Bad Idea Jeans.' Some ideas, even if they worked okay the first time, are just bad ideas the second time around.
The latest example of this skewed thinking is the return of Rosie O'Donnel...

Today's Supreme Court decision, that money (as with "money speaks") is entitled to first amendment protection and the rights of personhood, has again been hailed with the word "freeeedomm!" on conservative twitter sites.
This new "money speaks" de...

Rio de Janeiro, Brazil - The new Vatican hex-messaging service has kicked into action with Pope Francis and Pope Benedict both tweeting like crazy about their influence with 'Him Upstairs'.
Online oddsmakers Aintgottaprayer.con has responded acco...

Iowa City - A doctoral student at The University of Iowa has uncovered a startling number of falsified resumes within the fast food industry.
Ichabod Alchemy was working on his thesis which is a study of underlying economic trends that affect the...

HUNTINGTON, WV--The Robert C. Byrd Bridge, a bridge spanning the Ohio River between Chesapeake, OH and Huntington, WV, collapsed on Thursday, killing twenty-two members of the Tea Party Movement. The Tea Party activists were reportedly on their way...

Washington DC-Florida judge Alex Ferrer, the host of the syndicated courtroom TV show Judge Alex, is purportedly talking to representatives of President Barack Obama and House of Representatives Speak John Boehner about hearing the lawsuit which the...

San Francisco - First Lady Michelle Obama has unveiled her latest plans for getting the nation to adopt her healthy eating guidelines and this one might hurt a bit.
After tackling the country's school lunch program and transforming it into a train...

Mosul, Iraq - The wanton bombing of a Mosul mosque today saw much of the Iraqi city spattered with nearly half a ton of fossilised biliary secretion from the guts of an Old Testament sperm whale that did for the prophet Jonah.
The seer was buried...

Washington DC - Located in a damp and ugly 200 sq ft teardown behind Bladensburg Metrobus garage at 2251 26th Street NE the new legation's HQ aint's exactly swish by international diplomatic standards.
But hey, it's about to get a fab five hundre...

Gaza - Ok, so the title of this article is the only remotely funny part of this story and is really just to get your attention.
This latest attempt to kill innocents in the Middle East by using animals as a way to get bombs close to crowds in...

Malibu, CA - Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you seek out professional help. Such is the case with two well-known people in recent weeks.
Michael Moore and Hillary Clinton have both checked themselves into a Wealth Rehab clinic after...

Wall Street - Economic inflation has pushed the price of "your thoughts" to nine and a half cents ($0.095) and most investment experts agree that it is usually an extremely bad investment yielding not only no actual positive return, but it has the po...

PANDERING FALLS, ALASKA -- Sarah Palin is calling for the impeachment of LeBron James as the king of basketball, noting his pursuit of a max deal at the expense of loyalty to his most recent employer, the Miami Heat, is despicable, reprehensible, loa...

Philadelphia, PA-- A six-foot tall statue of the Virgin Mary inside a local church has been doing something strange. Parishers at the church of Our Lady Of Hysterical Weeping say the statue has begun smoking marijuana. The statue begins exhaling sm...

Cerne Abbas, Dorset - A crop circle has been blamed for emasculating the huge erect penis of a 180ft ancient Neolithic colossus known as the Cerne Abbas Dick. Uh, Giant.
Carved into a Dorset chalk hillock over 10,000 years ago the club-wielding f...

A new movement for a special day of celebration is popular with the President, backed by Senator McCain, with enthusiasm showing in the mainstream press.
The Blame Russia and Putin Day, or BRAP Day, is gathering steam.
A summer day, probably in...

HOFBRAUHAUS, MUNICH -- Germany continued its World Cup championship celebration Monday, as its highly intoxicated and blindly aggressive government ordered troops to invade Poland.
"After a few dozen steins of Augustiner Maximator, we got a little...

Palestine - Mossad is hunting a gang of radicalised drug mules that strapped a bomb belt onto a three year-old donkey that blew up in the Rafah area of the Gaza Strip today.
Israeli bomb squad farces said they used a frozen lollipop to lure the b...

Tel Aviv - A professional confidence trickster specialising in celebrity stings has been hired by the Israeli secret service ahead of all out war on Hamas.
Mazher Mahmood, former Murdoch investigative reporter (sic) and suspected serial perjurer...

New York - Decades of off piste shagging have brought Robert F Kennedy Jr to his carpet-burnt knees.
Cited as a co-respondent in a former squeeze's divorce case RFK's cell phone directory of cheap and tacky hos was being touted as exhibit one in N...

Lima, Peru - In what promises to be a future Disney love-story movie, murderer and all around bad guy Joran van der Sloot married a psychotic chick this week in prison, where he met and impregnated the brainless female.
Van der Sloot, who gained n...

McAllen, TX - A Honduran woman accidentally let the cat out of the bag yesterday when she unwittingly explained to a reporter the real reason she and tens of thousands of her fellow Latin American citizens travelled thousands of miles was for the...

The new DDSS party, inspired direct from President Obama's name for his foreign policy, the "Don't Do Stupid Sh*t" policy, is set for a two year run to take the Presidency.
It emphasizes program, not personality. A founding principle begins: "We h...

SOMEWHERE IN ALASKA Former vice-presidential candidate and governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, a devout creationist, stated today that it was true that dinosaurs and homo sapiens existed at the same time because she remembers that her grandparents had to...

President Obama is once again aboard Air Force One giving the traveling press corps updates on his DDSS (don't do stupid sh*t) foreign policy.
The world well remembers the formulation of this policy, aboard his jet, on the President's trip to Asia...

Middle Of Nowhere, Montana - Doug Fir, a 200-year-old coniferous evergreen, took a tumble last week while enjoying his afternoon of standing in the same spot he'd been in his whole life thus far and swaying in the breeze.
"The wind all of a sudde...

New York City - As the "I" word starts to gain traction in the national media for President Obama, Chris Matthews broke down on air today and offered himself up as tribute as a preemptive hit against any possible future impeachment attempts towar...

Four members of a doomsday cult, calling themselves Scientopolists and followers of Ronnette L. "Old Mother" Hubbard have been taken away by a spacecraft with huge colored lights making strange "Close Encounter" type musical notes, from Area 51 nea...

Plenty of driving rain and overcast skies, muddy beaches, dilapidated resorts, cultural heritage and spectacular pre-glacial and post-glacial peat bogs, Wales is the perfect destination for a family mould spotting holiday.
For most tourists, a h...

An elderly couple recently told how they were terrorised in their own home for three days by a cat!
Royston Munt needed hospital treatment after being attacked by the intruder, which got in through a bedroom window.
Retired taxidermist and WW2...

No sooner was I back in Baghdad from the journey to Mosul with Hillary than I got this strange call on my cell.
I was at my favorite cheap digs, the Hotel Alzubra, ready to move back towards Syria, but it was Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi saying I should return north to Mosul.
"If this is Warezabar," the voice said, "I have something. Urgent."
"This is Pepe Warezabar."
"Yes?"
His English is...

Spearheaded by Senator John McCain, a new bipartisan movement inside the Congress is working toward tearing down and replacing the Statue of Liberty.
So far no one in the government has raised any objections, with the President himself saying, "We...

Detroit - The verdict is still out on whether the new-car-buying consumer will ultimately be swayed by General Motors Corporation's (GM) new advertising campaign. GM launched the campaign three weeks ago at the beginning of the third quarter. To dat...

Tel Aviv - With his country deep in the midst of major crises and problems which demand his attention, including the current war with Hamas, Prime Minister Netanyahu headed out today for a quick cash-and-grab fundraising trip.
The Prime Minist...

Pop Slut Superstar Mylie Cyrus posted on her Facebook page today that she is cancelling her upcoming Gaza Strip concert tour due to the escalating "war and stuff" in the region.
"I know my fans in Gaza will be really heartbroken that I'm not comin...

Long Island, NY - Long Island Pest Control lifeboats were out in force this weekend when a red tide of algal bloom slimed the beach at Howard Schultz's Gracie Lane teardown bringing phytoplanktonic chaos (WTF dat? - 'Ed') to the East Hampton spread.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obama is losing favor with Americans at such an alarming rate, that if they could do the 2012 election all over again, they'd overwhelming back the former president of the Confederate States of America, Jefferson Davis.

HOLLYWOOD--The sequel to "God's Not Dead" will hit the theaters next week, and the much-anticipated sequel is, like the first movie, expected to fill theaters with evangelical fervor, only this time from the opposite side of the debate.
In "God's...

Washington D.C. - Next month, after a grueling schedule of signing executive orders, President Obama and his family will take a two week vacation to the dilapidated ruins of Martha's Vineyard, Mass., for some much needed rest.
The president's...

The NRA and GOP have finally found a free school lunch program that they feel comfortable endorsing. The "Kill Your Own School Lunch Program" is a pilot program in selected rural areas that teaches firearm safety, hunting, trapping and self sufficien...

From an Unknown Secret Location It was discovered today that many of the most evil people in the world have formed a super secret coalition in order to have a no-limit, no girls allowed, he-man poker game camp out.
There were a few others not allo...

Los Angeles - It has been announced that Prince and Bono will team up to record a follow-up to the 1980's anthem "We Are the World" to raise public awareness about the latest immigration crisis along our southern border.
Many other artists wer...

Pope Francis has announced that the Vatican will become a major sponsor of sporting events such as the FIFA World Cup and the Olympics, and called on churches around the world to get more involved in sporting events in their communities.
In conti...

Under a new Tory law, pubs that predominantly cater for the unemployed have to employ a thin, disheveled middle-aged man to smoke at the front door to ensure no upstanding citizens accidentally go in for a pint.
The law, entitled 'fag means f**k o...

And BOOM!!! Google HQ exploded to bits. Just as they had their amazing "Google Glass" on the Product Line.
"Google thought everything was over", said Google C.E.O Larry Smith. "Alas, until thy young , innocent pink poodle appeared from out of the...

HARFOLD, Vt - A new study at Harfold State College suggests that exposure to hydrogen sulfide gas, that is, what your body produces as bacteria breaks down food, could prevent mitochondria damage.
This is good news for the Miss Harfold Diner which...

Washington D.C. - After the release of the top-selling book by Ed Klein, "Blood Feud," Michelle Obama has come forward to clear the air about reported animosity between America's two royal families - The Obamas and the Clintons.
"There never was a...

Texas - According to the House Judiciary Committee, two-thirds of illegal children who have requested asylum after crossing our southern border will be admitted and allowed to stay in our country.
But why would any child want to live their lif...

Olaf Soxoff, a German-Swiss skier has alerted the world to an incredible find. An experienced veteran of the piste, the sixty-three years old Olaf decided to try an unfamiliar route on the South side of Switzerland's highest mountain, the Matterhorn.

It has become the most popular surgery in the UK, and is now widely available on the NHS, to the shock of tabloid editors all over the country. So why are we all having to fork out for Brits to have an operation to become Welsh?
Gryffythyth Thejon...

Jerry Seinfeld, former network star, was involved in an auto accident yesterday while filming an episode of "Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee" in Branson, Missouri. According to the Branson Police Department five people, including Mr. Seinfeld and...