So I know that I've made a lot of posts and sort of createed a persona here that a lot of people have responded realy strongly too. While it's true that I've made some remarkable strides in my own healing with the love and help of lots of friends here, I want to take a minute and show the softer side, the part inside the shell as it were.

I know that I've been one of the loudest, most poitive voices here advocating for rights to get the help we need and our ability to do what we need to do for ourselves. It occurs to me that some people might think of me as somehow different, or more resiliant. Maybe some of y'all think that I'm just made of tougher stuff or that I don't have to deal with quite as much.

Here's some of what I don't talk about:

Every day I still struggle with the pain. Every day I am lonely.Every day I feel the sting of my experiences and my fears and my sadness.Every day I question myself, question my courage, my intelligence, my passion, and my hopes. Every day I spent at least a part of feeling like a failure.Every day I wonder why no one loves me. Every day I have a part of that just wants to curl up on the couch and cry, but I never can.Every day I wonder why I fight so hard.Every day I have to remind myself that I am good (some days it's not so easy, either).

I hate all of this. I used to hate me because of it. I don't any longer, and I know that that is a big step and sure sign that I'm healing. But it's not easy. I wish these thoughts and feelings would just go away, but they don't.

On the other hand, I also know that it's okay to feel like this. It's who I am, and what I am. This doesn't mean I'll spend the rest of my life like this. It's okay to be me. And it's ok for each of you to be you as well.

Chris

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"I am not a mechanism, an assembly of various sections.And it is not because the mechanism is working wrongly, that I am ill.I am ill because of wounds to the soul, to the deep emotional self...."Healing D.H. Lawrence

We try so hard to be supportive of each other, to offer hope and inspiration. Those aren't lies--they're our real ideals and real insights speaking.

But here I am at my desk, not really able to focus on simple tasks today, my mind racing, struggling against tears, and fighting to "look professional" (look like nothing's wrong) at all times. That's every day for me now.

Yeah, I know it's good, I'm getting in touch with my feelings, processing stuff that's been blocked for years, understanding more every day, etc. But it's lonely and exhausting, this hurting human being stuff. God, I want to go back into hyper self-indulgent denial again sometimes!

Your feelings are real, and you're entitled to them. Just a reminder from outside that you're not alone, and nobody here is doubting your intelligence, passion, or courage. (And we're a hard group to fake out about that!)

But thanks for the reminder that it's OK not to be "Mr. Recovery" all the time.

Thanks, it's very thoughtful to post this; maybe remembering this will remind me that it doesn't have to be "all or nothing", we all have personal strengths and weaknesses, just as we all have different stories. I don't ever rejoice in the falls or failures of others, but it's easier to hear someone who gives more than lip-service to being a work in progress, though they may have certain hurdles behind them. I've encountered problems w/ identifying not so much here, as i have in RL, where i've run into folks who have traded one "la-la-land" for another, in the sense of having to deny any whisper of self-doubt or struggle; people who use the excuse of "trying to give back" as a way of stroking their own egos, and who seem eager to rattle off a list of posessions and accomplishments as proof of their "having seen the light". People like that are only decieving themselves- i know there are certain things i do well that others don't, but if that's all i ever focus on, who am i really trying to convince? What is the true measure of "success"? What yardstick is being used, and why? I'm starting to ramble again.. uh, "thanks for posting, it helped"

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Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speakWhispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

Chris, this post reminds me of the time you and I were standing on the subway platform. I told you a latin maxim of mine, Petera perfectum consiqui excelentia, 'seek perfection, atcheive excelence." Remember what you told me? You said that that is a dangerous way of looking at things be cause it sets one up for expectations of success without failure and then a scence of shame because of the lack of sucess.

I know that you know that no one is perfect and its important to remember and reemphise that.

BUT, I think this post could have been titled 'why I'm not perfect, but why I am Great!'

As I said before that no one is perfect, and to aknowlege this is the step to realizing how we may be weak in certain areas and Strong in many others. For it is human and natural to not be superb in everything that we atempt, it is the human condition.

In my mind You have to deal with the same obsticales that we all face (remember the relationships discusion). I never believed that you were some how exempt from having to face the same type of struggles that other survivors do.

I'm really glad that you made this post. It shows me how aware you are of your own personal obsticles and how they abraid at the very strength that you present to all of us--I'm not saying that they are a good thing, just that it is good to recognize that they exist.

What stands out to me, Chris, is that iron will that you seems to have. An inner voice that refuses to quit, or lie down, or give up. This inner stength/resiliance, acts like a demonstrated model of how one can perservere though the pain and still have the motivation to keep going. This sutle yet powerful display , instills a great deal of hope in me to continue the fight and keep going forward with this prosses.

RThe fact that you say that you feel like giving up, that you feel lonley and question your motives for doing this make me feel more inspired to keep pressing on and moving forward. It say to me, "he has to deal with the say things that I do. The same questions of dought, the fears that arise, the same type of pain and questions that bring anguish: will I ever have this..., will I always feel this lonleyness no matter what I do or how hard I try, or how far I have come and progress I have made. Is it (the struggle) worth it?Chris, I am really sorry that you feel this way, but some how it make me feel more empowered. I feel that because you deal with this, that when I feel this way, its ok. Its ok to feel this way. I CAN feel this way and still poses the will to fight.

It speaks to me by saying that as stong as I am, I still feel dought about myself; as strong as I seem on the surface, I don't always feel that way.I speaks volumes to me that I don't have to feel strong all the time to know that I am getting better. I am allowed to feel scared and still be a good person, doing the right thing.

thankyou so much for posting this.I looked up to you before and, not to put pressure on you, what you have said only strengthens that feeling. I truely believe that healing is possible and although you may not always feel that way that you are an example of that!!!

Your Brother,Logan

Edited by Logan (11/10/0702:03 AM)

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"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"-Blade Runner

Hey bro, it's okay to be all those things, and I think it shows a lot of your strength and courage that you are able to put up a list like that. Always remember that being vocal and visible here and elsewhere doesn't cancel your right to be vulnerable too, or as Michael puts it, to be human.

Much love,Larry

_________________________Nobody living can ever stop meAs I go walking my freedom highway.Nobody living can make me turn back:This land was made for you and me.(Woody Guthrie)

Every day I still struggle with the pain. Every day I am lonely.Every day I feel the sting of my experiences and my fears and my sadness.Every day I question myself, question my courage, my intelligence, my passion, and my hopes. Every day I spent at least a part of feeling like a failure.Every day I wonder why no one loves me. Every day I have a part of that just wants to curl up on the couch and cry, but I never can.Every day I wonder why I fight so hard.Every day I have to remind myself that I am good (some days it's not so easy, either).

I hate all of this. I used to hate me because of it. I don't any longer, and I know that that is a big step and sure sign that I'm healing. But it's not easy. I wish these thoughts and feelings would just go away, but they don't.

Chris: you have a way with words that strike those cords within me. Thanks for expressing what I feel. I know that I am better now because these thoughts and feelings are not nearly as loud now.

Peter

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There is a destiny that makes us brothers; No one goes his way alone; What we send into the lives of others,comes back into our own. (Edwin Markham)

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