My Inner Russell Brand

There are a lot of unnerving things for your wife to say to you the second you walk into a room. For instance, “Why do you have a giant leech attached to the side of your head and what is that green stuff it keeps spitting?” is, without a doubt, one of the last things you want your wife to scream when you sit down next to her on the couch.

While that is one of the more obvious things you don’t want to hear, yesterday I encountered one that, while seeming innocent enough, might be the most alarming thing you could ever hear.

It was late when I walked up my stairs. Looking around, I saw my wife holding a book. She spends a lot of time reading, although she may just be holding a book for kicks. She’s a very busy person, so I’m not 100% certain how she manages to have time to actually read. I’ve never really pressed her on the issue, though, lest she get angry and throw a hardcover novel at my skull.

This night she was reading (or holding) a piece of classic literature titled Booky Wook 2: This Time It’s Personal, a memoir written by actor and comedian Russell Brand.

As soon as my feet hit the top step, she sat down the book. Then she said it:

“You know what? You’re a lot like Russell Brand.”

The words flew through the air and hit me like a ton of bricks to the face (Figuratively. Her words do not actually have a mass to them). There are a lot of people I may be like, but I never would have pegged Russell Brand for one of them.

For those unfamiliar with Mr. Brand, you may not understand why this affected me in this way. You are also most likely an American and are more familiar with his nickname “That guy with the long hair that was in ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall.’”

Mr. Brand has lived a crazy life. There have been drugs, addictions, Katy Perry, not to mention all of that hair. Being compared to a person who is in AA, NA, as well as several other acronyms that I’m sure I’m not aware of, is certainly not the most flattering person to be lined up next to.

The most disturbing part, though, is she was right. I am Russell Brand (Once again, figuratively. I can’t believe I repeatedly have to explain this to you).

Compare us side by side. The similarities are astonishing:

Russell Brand is notorious for his drug use in his younger days. He smoked, snorted, injected and consumed many, many, many substances.

I am basically the same. For instance, one time on a dare, I snorted a bit of a raspberry pixie stick. You would not believe the sugar rush I had! Also, I have been known to exceed the recommended dosage of ibuprofen from time to time.

Russell Brand has had four books published and starred in ten movies. I myself have read four books and have seen at least ten movies, a couple of those even starring Russ!

Brand is married to international pop star phenomenon Katy Perry. I am married to a local nanny phenomenon.

Brand is into transcendental meditation. I can also sit comfortably with my eyes closed.

After thinking about it like that, it’s like looking into a mirror. We are one in the same. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that, in a Fight Club-esque twist, we are actually the same person. I am he as you are he as you are me, my friend.

With this new revelation about my personality, my wild side is ready to fully emerge. Before long, I’m sure to be dating supermodels (Yes, I do mean plural and yes, it could happen.) and freebasing all kinds of hard drugs like Benadryl tablets or Flintstones chewables (the Bam-Bams are the best). Local pharmacies will see me coming and immediately lock their doors because everyone knows how crazy I get when I am looking for a Flintstones fix.

Of course, this probably won’t happen. Supermodels are all taller than me so I would look like an idiot next to them. Plus, I’m fairly certain you can’t freebase vitamins and even if you could, the worst thing that would happen is you might get too much B12.

I guess there are worse people to be compared to. It’s not like my wife said, “You are so much like Charles Manson,” or “Every time I see you, you remind me of one of those Jurassic Park velociraptors.” Brand is a man who seems to have turned his life around. Plus, that hair is spectacular.

Maybe I should try to be more like Russell Brand (the current Russell Brand, not the drugged out one). He seems fairly successful. Like I said, he has written four books. Conversely, I have written one fairly crappy blog.

Besides, I don’t view it like I am similar to Russell Brand. I think that somewhere in the world, Katy Perry is probably reading this blog and saying, “You know, Russeypoo (Oh yeah. She calls him Russeypoo.), you are a lot like Nathan Badley.”

Now that’s an unnerving thing to hear.

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Tell your friends that their life is meaningless without reading this:

Just how did he get his hair that way anyway? Was this photo snapped while he was in a Science Museum’s static electricity room or something? By the way, the pixie sticks won’t burn so much if you snort a crunched-up Sucrets first!