Where are you right now? At home? On a laptop at school? Maybe even at work? What are you doing right now? I know you’re reading this article, but what are you doing? Are you on track to advance in your career? Are you working towards graduating high school or college? Both? I know I can tell you what you’re not doing. You’re not sitting on your twin-sized anime throne, making lists of your favorite anime boobies. There’s already someone doing that. His name is Ross Faries.

Ross with favorite Sonic hoodie. Not pictured: self-awareness

Ross, a graduate of the Drunk Elmer Fudd School of Acting, is one of the hundreds of nerds trying to waddle their greasy forms into the stagnant internet reviewer world. The kind of people that think if they scream about Dino Crisis 2 into their laptop webcam hard enough, they too can develop a fandom that will validate their lives and lifestyles. Ross has decided to throw his fedora into the risky world of Anime Reviewing and squeeze out a nice bit of butter-flavored fame all for himself. There’s a ton of assholes giving half-formed opinions on anime on YouTube already, so Ross had to mix things up a bit. He decided to focus entirely on the type of anime that gives him awkward nerd boners and hosts a show called Fanservice Fiesta on his blip.tv channel ParadiseandFaries.

A dumping ground for console reviews, Japanese only games re- discovered, pervy anime dissected, the Neo Geo Pocket Color exposed, and that’s just the beginning.

The show, or at least the basic form of it, has only existed for little more than a year so far. Let’s take a look at one of his special episodes, Fanservice Fiesta Special: Top 5 Anime Boobies.

Right off the bat we’re greeted with a montage of huge-chested anime girls squirming around and being molested. Once your family and friends suddenly feel a profoundly strong sense of shame for you, Ross presents himself and prefaces his list with this:

Unfortunately for me, being a fairly unattractive white male – and a nerd – I unfortunately have limited access to the real thing.

Ross not only details which cartoon girl designed to pander to awkward virgin nerds excites him the best, but also rates them on how much the anime itself focuses on their chests. Highlights include his number two pick, a catgirl character from some anime named Cat Planet Cuties, whom he refers to as “a sexy little pussy,” his distaste for lemon-shaped anime breasts, and choosing his number one on which breasts were drawn the most realistically (according to his anatomy textbooks).

Considering how objectively terrible his anime reviews are in both content and direction, it’s amazing how well he’s managed to keep a low profile online. He doesn’t seem to have much of an online presence at all beyond his anime videos and forum accounts on all the regular inept nerd hangouts (That Guy With the Glasses, ScrewAttack, etc.). I’m kind of amazed by this, since anime nerds are usually more than happy to barf out all the minor details about how exhausting it is trying to be special and live just like their animes. So kudos to you, Ross, for having some kind of idea of privacy. I’m looking forward to your Top Ten list of sexy anime toddlers.

I have to say, i can’t believe someone took this much time and effort to bash a mostly unknown critic like me. If you really hate my work that much, then why go through the effort? All your doing is inadvertently promoting me. The internet can be such a weird place.

Hey, what’s your problem man? I’ve seen his reviews and they may be rough and unpolished, but he’s not that bad. He’s still trying to find his voice, to find his place in the world, why attack him? The boob ep was mostly meant to be a jokey review anyway, but you attack it like it should be Chaucer or Racine! Look, I know the guy, he’s a really nice guy, lay off the kid. And seriously, most of your criticism is just calling him names and acting like a jerk! And another thing, you’re making fun of his ties to That Guy With Glasses as though it sucks? I have had TGWG reccomended from several people to the point where I checked it out and it was actually good! Never heard of YOU though, big shock.. Just another nobody tearing someone down to make themselves look and feel like a somebody! Grow the hell up and stop being such a rude prick!

No, dumbass, my name is Alesia Inkster. Look me up on Facebook. I am not Ross, but I am a friend of his. Sorry if that confuses you, some people actually HAVE friends, not surprising that a hateful prick like yourself wouldn’t get that..

For one thing, Ross is polite and respectful, even though you don’t deserve it. I offer no such consideration to one who would harm someone I like and respect. I take it VERY personally, you no-talent hack! So why don’t you have a nice tall glass of Go Fuck Yourself! MmmmK? Have a nice day, dickcheese!

aww…you guys mad i stumbled into your little troll’s nest? i thought you’d like to know that i took the liberty of posting this article on those “inept nerd hangouts” you were speaking of. figured you could use the promotion. oh, and glenn? be thankful that i have an ironic sense of humor, lest the flames grow to high to bare.

Bet none of you little ass holes know how to shoot a REAL firearm or ride a REAL motorcycle!!! I taught Ross how do those and much,much more…He can probably kick all of your geeky asses since his martial arts academy rented in my studios

I can’t speak for the others, maybe they just don’t like bullies. But, I DO know Ross. He’s a nice guy who I don’t like seeing picked on, especially from some mouth-breathing douchetard who just feels like giving him shit. If it had been a true objective review of Ross’ work, I’d have no problem with a negative review.

However, this little bitch is just making fun of him. He’s just tearing down a good person under the delusion that he’s the God of Anime Review, rendering his own solemn judgment over who should be allowed a voice. All he does is say Ross sucks, but not once going into specifics unless there’s a cheap jab to be taken.

And good job, picking the easiest to mock vid, a fluff piece made just for the hell of it. He doesn’t bother with Ross’ serious work, instead going for one not really meant to be taken seriously! That’s like comparing Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure with Citizen Kane!

He went in looking for something to mock, under the pretense of an objective review, selling his integrity for cheap laughs.

Hey, fucktard, you, the guy who owns this shitty little site: Who the fuck are you to decide who gets to play in the sandbox, Sparky? Do you get off on ripping into other people, does it make you feel like a big man? Did mommy and daddy not love you, didn’t get that puppy for christmas you wanted??

You are goddamn pathetic! You are just like every asshole that ever made fun of us for liking anime, a weak little pussy tearing others down to feel strong! Grow the fuck up and stop making life suck for everyone else, you stupid, arrogant, narcissistic little troll!

Who is this GLENN? I’d like to meet him in person to see if he’s an ill-mannered little prick in REAL life! Can he back up his words???? Ross has been playing these stupid video games since he could walk & although I don’t understand them , I’m sure he is experienced enough to give an educated opinion. Glenn …I look forward to meeting you I..R..L !!!!

Does it even matter, loser trolls troll. This is just boring and dumb at this point, and it isn’t gonna get any better.. fuck it, I’m done, this is too sad and pathetic. Good job, Glenn, I guess you “win”. Good for you…