Welcome To Brokesville: Population Everyone Else

I was a Communications major in college, which means I have a low paying job with zero marketable skills to transfer into another industry. I didn’t even take a business minor, instead senior year I took acting! Woo. So yeah, needless to say I’ve been going broke since graduation. There was the 6 months of unemployment (thank god for graduation money) that drained my money, and now there’s the low paying job(s) which don’t pay enough for me to save.

I’ve gotten pretty good at being broke, in that I can eat the same exact meal for dinner for a week after spending four dollars on groceries on monday (grilled cheese? yes please) Alas, many of my friends from college have not spent the last year honing their broke skills. They were smart and got jobs in finance and on Wall Street, things of that nature. Unfortunately for them, everyone that got there before them really fucked shit up beyond all recognition (FUBAR!!) So now, for some, they find themselves out of work and struggling to exist in this broke state. Well I’ve decided to put together a handy guide for them to use as reference. I am going to translate the not broke life style to its broke counterpart.

First up, naturally, ALCOHOL!

Many of my formerly non-broke friends hear the term beer and think of this:

Unfortunately, you’re broke now so that above picture is no longer beer. I mean, you can drink that beer if you get it from a store i GUESS, but in the bar that isn’t beer. You know what beer means now? This:

Yup, that is what you have to order at the bar now, because it is the only beer you can afford to drink 15 of to drown your broken sorrows. There are other choices, like the “house” beer which is really just a leftover keg of some long defunct microbrew, but whatever, at seven bucks a pitcher you can’t be beat. Also, you can’t go to the bars you used to go to, the only bars that are now allowable look like they haven’t been updated since 1983, also, if they have a giant pig standing outside, it’s probably a good place to drink cheap.

As far as mixed drinks go, your spirit of choice can not have a proper noun. For example, your Jack & Coke should now be ordered as a “Whiskey” and Coke. Grey Goose and Tonic is now vodka tonic.

“What about bottle service?” you ask. Well broke people have bottle service too, but its not when you spend upwards of 500 dollars on a 20 dollar bottle of vodka. No, broke bottle service invovles sneaking a flask into a bar and spiking your drinks in the bathroom. (note: this also works at restaurants and social functions with a cash bar).

So now that you know how to drink, you should probably learn how to eat.

Well lets start with dinner, remember dinner:

Yeah, now dinner looks less frequently like that. Usually dinner resembles this:

or this

Those are both wonderfully awesome dinners, but they may take some getting used to. Also, you can’t take “clients” out and “expense” awesome steak dinners anymore, sorry about that.

Lunch is also important too. If i were you, i’d memorize this jingle, cause you’ll be thinking about it a lot in the coming weeks:

You could also make your own lunch and bring it in, but I am SUPREMELY lazy so I can be of no assistance in that category. I apologize profusely for that.

One last category i will cover is vacations. Look, i know you’re smart and hard working, so you’ll wind up with a new job soon. This job will probably come with vacation days, much like your last one. Unfortunately, this job probably won’t pay so great. So your vacations will look less like this:

and much more like this:

Welp, have fun adjusting to your new life. If you need any pointers don’t hesitate to ask, and I look forward to hanging out with you down the jersey shore next summer. I’ll be the one who is still going on vacation with my parents.

HAHA this is spot on!!! While I was unemployed for two months, I pretty much sat at home and did nothing because I had no money. However, I did allow myself the luxury of Bacardi with pina colada mix to make myself believe that I was actually on a fun vacation instead of unemploymentville.