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Note: PLEASE do not reply in this topic. Please use the discussion topic for all commands and discussion![???]:BZPSTUCKYou find yourself visiting one of your old favorite places on the Internet. It's been awhile since you've been to this little community but that classic logo and striking visage still stare down at you with a pleasant and not at all unnerving glare. That open mouth. Those cold eyes. What's not to love?Better log in fast.[???]:LoginYou shudder as you enter in the old username. You wonder if anyone even remembers that name on the forums anymore. It wasn't long ago that your posts were considered legends, a regular accolade of clapping and shouts of "hear hear!" accompanying each in succession. You would find yourself hoisted upon the backs of your servile fans, and though you would humbly murmur "no, please, you don't have to" they would insist on carrying you lovingly to a place of honor atop the highest point of the forums. Yes, you're pretty sure that's exactly how it used to happen. You're absolutely certain of it.[???]:Enter PasswordNever can be too careful.

[???]: Check the ForumsOh.Right.You forgot the forums have just gone down for a series of upgrades. The news said it should only be a few days. You guess that's not too long to wait, even if it stretches out for say, a week or two. At least you'll have something to take up your time[???]::::[???]: Log offYeah, you've been letting this electronic gizmo take hold of your life for too long now. Time to get down and get busy. Time to take this to the next level and really STEP UP. What you're trying to say is it's time for you to get some REAL SERIOUS IMPORTANT BUSINESS taken care of.BUT HOW CAN YOU GET BUSY WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME??[???]: Well?Yeah, that looks absolutely perfect. Good job.[???]: Okay seriouslyOh come on that first name was perfect! You guess you can begrudgingly accept this secondary obvious cipher. Life's rough sometimes.[s]:%5BREALITY%5D:SHIFT

(All [s]: links will have SOUND!)

Did....did reality just blink for a second there??Frivolation Indulged? What is this some lame achievement system? Yeah, that's basically all it could be.Man you feel so incentivized to waste more time doing pointless tasks now!

[Ray]::::Well, now that you know who you are, you figure that it's probably about time to introduce yourself properly to yourself. That's right. Better get your Shift key ready, we're about to get SERIOUS.Your name is RAYMOND ADAMS, but you go by RAY for short. Today you are waiting inside your ROOM for a PACKAGE sent by a mysterious FRIEND, on behalf of an even more mysterious BLOCK MANUFACTURING EMPIRE. You're getting pretty tired of waiting. Luckily, you have the magical ability to PROCRASTINATE THROUGH IMAGINATION. Like pretending you don't know your own name and turning it into a GAME ABSTRACTION.You are a man of varied interests. Seriously. You have at least three or four. You have a love for those miniature plastic men called ACTION FIGURES. They act as little enablers for your somewhat CRIPPLING ADDICTION to creating fanciful worlds in your mind. Perhaps your greatest dream of all is to someday truly visit other worlds, to explore the depths of the cosmos. There is almost no chance of that happening.You love to exercise your ARTISTIC MERIT and have leveled up in that skill almost exclusively since you were a child. Some people would say you should try to balance out your abilities by having a varied approach, but that smart form of playing IS FOR CHUMPS. In real life and the virtual world you always tend to focus on maxing out one powerful ability while leaving the others crippled and begging for nourishment. FEED ME they cry out, but you just look down and smack the empty bowl from their hands.Sometimes your imagination is kind of MESSED UP.Finally, you tend to have something of an INFLATED EGO. But of course that's just what the losers call it. Bunch of WHINERS. Luckily you have a group of pretty great FRIENDS who back you up. When they're not trying to mess with you.So, you have the entire world at your disposal. Almost limitless potential here. What you gonna do PUNK?

All limbs here and accounted for captain.What formulaic joke should we explore next, officer?

[Ray]:Indulge Frivolation

Your amount of FRIVOLATIONS INDULGED has just increased by 100%, from one to two. In other words, you have climbed another pointless rung of success in a game where the only winning move is to gag yourself and hope and pray into your porcelain toilet that the floating head reflected by their waters has nothing left to retch up.You're pretty sure these annoying things don't do anything, and you're even more sure they're going to pop up as often as possible for the most trivial of achievements.This is going to be a long day.

[Ray]:Look out the WINDOW.

Window?

What window?

You try not to look at that set of walls very often.

[Ray]:Play with your ACTION FIGURES.

Play?Please, these are just icons of a bygone era. Sure, you still have fond memories of pretending to harness the elements and bending them to your will. Who hasn't fantasized about creating lava tornadoes, honestly? Still, you've grown since then and insist all your inner fantasies be based on far more mature content.YESSIREE, THESE PLAYTHINGS OF YOUR YOUTH ARE JUST A NOSTALGIC MEMORY AND NOTHING MORE! SURE NO CHANCE OF YOU DELVING INTO A FANTASTIC WORLD OF IMAGINATION HERE!

You let out a noise not unlike what a fictional mechanical hummingbird would make if they accidentally caused so much friction that their room was in danger of combustion. In order to put out the fire you have to make use of the only liquid you have on hand at this point. You go ahead and suck it up, better alive and ashamed than proud and extra crispy, you almost never say.The fire is out, the disgusting deed done. You agree with yourself to never speak of this to anyone.That was your last soda and everything.

[Ray]:Open Inventory.

Burnt, covered in carbonated soda, and dropped? This toy is gonna need some serious cleaning. Your MOOD RING MODUS codifies your extreme disgust at the mess and calculates the exact emotional spectrum for your CAPTCHALOGUE CARD so that you can CAPTCHALOGUE it into your SYLLADEX.There's no way any of those ridiculous made-up words make even the slightest bit of sense to anyone.

[Ray]:Brace for REWARD

You tense yourself in preparation for that aggravating congratulatory ding dong of mediocrity you've come to know and despise, but it seems this action looks a little too much like it's actually -achieving- something for it to be worthy of a pointlessness trophy.Oh but it's coming. You can feel it.

Dr. Pepper? Never heard of him. This fine nectar you've so precariously splashed about your abode is none other then CANNUS GENERICUS, the PLAINEST OF PLAIN. His noble fight to assure the innocuous and un-infringing rights of otherwise insufferable copyright dodgers everywhere is to be looked upon with admiration and love. He served well and fought many a successful battle for anonymity. This is why he is to be given a WARRIORS funeral barge. This flaming nautical navigator will carry his once lustrous carapace into a beautiful land of aluminum wonder, a place where all good cans are said to travel when emptied of their contents. After all, everyone knows that emptying a can is essentially killing it. In our own little way, we're all murders, each and every time we feel the need for some of that Chicken Noodle Sloop or Freeze Dried Vegefables.And that's terrible.

But in reality you're nowhere near a body of water, so your sadness codifies the next handy captchalogue card and again deposits it into your sylladex. Alright, starting to get the hang of it! Congratulatory backslaps are definitely in order for you buddy.

[Ray]:pick up that cool helmet over there and see if it fits your head

Okay this helmet is clearly not made for you. For some reason you still get excited about pretending to be a buff space marine on mars or whatever dumb videogame thing it is you would do.Okay stop it. You're just getting weird

Man that was not a good decision. You decide to space out on your computer for awhile so you can regain your composure.

[Ray]: Check for other games on computer.

Amongst your list of digital FOG games, there lies the fan favorite PARTICLE DECAY, a striking adventure that ends on a gripping cliffhanger. Needless to say the ten years you've waited for a sequel have been somewhat...cantankerous. It also spawned thousands of imitators and copies, most of which weren't very good. You've tried a few but frankly all of them feel a little pale and tasteless in their direct thievery of concepts and themes. You'd like to think people would be more original then that.

With any luck, you'll be adding a new game to this list very soon.

[Ray]:Engage in socialization.

After a few more minutes of spacing out, you are suddenly accosted by an AGGRAVATING ACQUAINTANCE, which is another way of saying a BFFF. Nobody's really sure what any of those letters stand for.

Spoiler

glamGuitarist (GG) began aggravating IrritableRevenant (IR) at 12:15 CST GG: hey dudeIR: Woah hey manIR: sorry I was uhIR: busy there for a secondGG: busy?GG: *eyesbrows go up and down*GG: eyebrows*IR: Put those eyesbrows downGG: neverGG: these eyebrows are straight up dangerous addictsGG: if I don't keep them up, they're gonna take another hit of archGG: again and againGG: then they'll move onto furrowingIR: oh man that stuff's dangerous don't you knowIR: listen man you need to seek helpIR: I worry about you browsGG: i'm trying to browbeat them into seeking help but the situation is pretty hairyIR: I can see expressing yourself is pretty difficult, and I fur it will not get any easierIR: we can't monobrow this to go onGG: yeah, that's be a unibrow-laterally bad decisionIR: alright gonna just go ahead and stomp on this little punnery thread now it's embrowsingIR: and also this is the third time we've used the word browIR: pretty sure that gets a disqualificationIR: no champion belt for us GG: IR: so hey today's the dayIR: he's been talking about it for foreverIR: I'm pretty excitedGG: the day?GG: doris day?IR: yeah man the dayIR: the day of "our reckoning" GG: oh man, hahahaGG: thatGG: the day we'll all have pestilence and terror and blood-curdling screams if we don't play this thing our boss is shoving on us?IR: that day exactlyGG: you know, I'd forgotton until you used the 'Reckoning" thing he keeps sayingGG: forgotton? forgotten? I don't even know anymore.IR: Straight up FROGOTIR: Frog IR: RobotIR: ribbitGG: straight up amphibian cyborg boss right thereGG: gonna use his prehensile robotongue to fight evilIR: haha this is the worst idea I've ever heardIR: let's do something with it laterGG: I'll file with top priorityIR: absolutelyIR: so do you have the game ID's supposed to be sending us on Lego's behalf?IR: mine hasn't shown up yet I don't thinkGG: uhhhIR: Probably need to check the mail againGG: I haven't checked my mail yet but my housemate got home a few minutes ago so he might've grabbed itIR: oh god not that guyGG: haha yeah, godGG: let's cling to the hope it's safely tucked away at the leasing office or somethingGG: othwise we're gonna have danger of some straight up MISANPHILLIC ANTRICS for me to get that packageIR: I can imagine nothing more antithetical to your interestsIR: well secretly I do hope he has it though. I love playing gamesIR: I wish we knew more about this oneIR: other then it takes two players...which means us, since nobody else is on other than our Canadian brotherIR: and I'm a little mad at him for sending all those parts to my bro.GG: ughIR: still, it's Lego, it's gotta be fun right?IR: lego things are always fun...right?GG: wellGG: I don't knowGG: they did make galidorIR: SHHHHHIR: shhhhhhIR: well you should go see if that game has come yet. I probably will too pretty shortly.GG: man, see, it's easy for youGG: you just have to go to your mailbox and fetch a little packageGG: I've got to deal with serious danger to my dignity, patience, and positivismIR: That violent monsterGG: you don't know the half of itGG: always hittin' me with those negative wavesIR: I have no doubtIR: it must be tortureIR: luckily all I have to deal with is steely eyed machines who won't hesitate to crush me in a second if I get in their wayIR: no where near the sameIR: Well, I wish you luckIR: meet back here in fifteenGG: all right cool i'll immediately start dicking around like alwaysIR: I agree dicking around is probably the most crucial part of this whole planIR: good luckGG: <3glamGuitarist (GG) ceased aggravating IrritableRevenant (IR)

Spoiler

technicalDropout (TD) began aggravating IrritableRevenant (IR) at 12:17 CST TD: Hey rayTD: RayTD: RayrayrayrayrayIR: holy cowIR: it has been literally less than a secondIR: are you just existing in some hyper accelerated state or somethingIR: typing at a thousand words per second and wondering why it takes everyone an hour to respond?TD: No man just wanted your attention to talk to you about some stuffTD: You know like the absolute most chill bretherenTD: Speaking of how was your brothers last shipment did that come inTD: (no worries if it didn't i suppose)IR: ughIR: you know I hate talking to himIR: and you know I hate you working with himIR: seriously why would be so eager to facilitate what is almost 100% certain to be the cause of my death some dayIR: do you hate me man?IR: what did I doIR: I will grovel if that's what it takesIR: look, here I amIR: sacrificing an animal to make peace with your familyIR: let it settle this ancient feudIR: "baaaa"IR: stab stabTD: No stop stabbing the lamb that is totally not coolTD: Its nothing personal man i just cant help but spread the miracle of soundTD: Its likeTD: Its what i was meant to doTD: Provide mirth to the massesTD: And your brother he is my congregationTD: A weird little robot loving tabernacleIR: I can see it nowIR: you all have beautiful robesIR: frankly I don't think the popemobile is tall enough for you though IR: your head would poke right through the roof of that thingTD: Popemobiles notwithstanding i think hes really starting to get the cut of my jibTD: And if you werent such a technophobe you might see thatTD: He just needs to learn to be less creepy with his choice of framesTD: (what is up with that weird fox one)IR: oh godIR: please don't bring that upIR: I mean having a gigantic robot staring at you while you sleep all night is one thingIR: but then that robotic nightmare zoo?IR: UghIR: I get night terrors manIR: screaming, cold sweat, everythingIR: anyway I need to go play with AndrewIR: I meant in a game btwTD: Yes yes I know the gameTD: Thats what i wanted to talk to you aboutIR: did I lose the game?IR: shootTD: ShooooshTD: I just wanted to let you know that this game is getting me all kinds of excited and i cant wait to play and everythingTD: But i think we also need to be a little cautious before we all go off the deep end and play with each otherTD: Game-wiseTD: Do you even know how to play itIR: pretty sure it's WASDIR: spacebar is jumpIR: left click let's you shoot, right click is useTD: Ray this is seriousTD: I mean im pretty sure it isTD: (from what i can gather)IR: I remember ID gave us all a huge lecture explaining the importance of this gameIR: that's how I know it's gonna be something to put off and not do till the last minuteIR: which as it turns out is something you're helping me with right now!IR: sweetIR: *checks off on checklist*TD: It s just okay i know this sounds a little weird but ive been dreaming about playing this gameTD: And the way i understand it is its kinda like lego universeTD: Only people will be playing itIR: heheh oh snapIR: so like, collect parts, build cool things, blast around space on cute little rockets?IR: sounds about right for a Lego gameTD: This is all very true and great and accurateTD: But i guess you could say that its a little more immersive than anything beforeTD: I dunno i imagine ill have a better idea when i actually get my copyTD: Did you get yoursIR: that's what I'm going to find outIR: was just about to go out to the old mailbox and checkIR: I've got a hot date with GG to play it and I don't want to miss itTD: OkayTD: Excellent well i wish you the best of luckTD: Keep me informed of your progress if you would be so kindIR: I will if you promise to stop cavorting around with my lil broTD: Haha no worries that one is definitely the last shipmentIR: bout dang timeIR: alright, peace outTD: Will doTD: See you soontechnicalDropout (TD) ceased aggravating IrritableRevenant (IR)

Man, even when they're aggravating you, jammin with your friends like that always puts you in a good mood. You decide to let loose a little and dance a snappy jig. Yeah man, you go. You definitely look like the coolest kid in the whole club. Back. and Forth. and Back. and Forth. Are you taking notes yet? THIS STUFF IS IMPORTANT.

[Ray]: Retrieve arms from safe.

OKAY SERIOUSLY DIDN'T WE JUST DO THI-Okay, okay, caaaaaaalm down....no need to get EnRAYGed.

In all seriousness though it couldn't hurt to check on the contents of your safe. Your little...event...there with the dancing has put you into a good mood. This safe is a real piece of engineering wonder. Thoroughly reinforced, with double locking mechanisms, secret compartments in the back, electronic XTRA SECURE ™ backup features and of course a complementary packet of candies in the bottom compartment for emergencies. This is the most expensive thing you own.Naturally there's only one thing you could possibly be keeping in there.

[Ray]::::

Oh man. This is getting intense. You have to duck down a little bit because your bed hangs so low, but now you're ready for this major reveal. This is gonna be so good. Nobody knows about this, not even your LIL BRO.Yeah. Breathe in. Breathe out. Suck in that tasty suspense.Alright, enough teasing. Time to crack this omelet.And a one, and a two, and a....

Man, this tension is killing you. With how long this opening has been drawn out you've started to imagine all sorts of terrible things that could have replaced your prized possession. You nervously open the door.

[S...?][Ray]: REVELAWESOME

Man, just imagine if there were some awesome revelation music here. It'd be like, Ba...Ba...BA...BA...BABABA!!! Close your eyes for a second. Can you hear it?That's awesome.

[Ray]:Grab CANDY from SAFE, disregarding OTHER CONTENTS

Oh man. You can't do that, those are for emergencies! Instead you check out your prized possession, the STUFFED PENGUIN that you've had all your life. It serves as an heirloom and a constant source of comfort. In retrospect having this stuffed animal locked in an incredibly overpriced safe makes your weird obsession with toys seem almost normal by comparison.

[Ray]:Investigate pockets for any items on your person.

Pockets? These lines on your pants are purely decorative. Everyone knows you use a SYLLADEX to store and transport pointless items! Your mix of sweet child-like love and happiness again causes the MOOD RING MODUS to codify a card with that specific emotion, and then stores it along with the rest. This system of storage seems to be pretty convenient for someone who wants to carry around a good amount of objects, but you're starting to feel nervous about what happens when you run out of cards. Or for that matter, how you retrieve the items now that they're in there.

[Ray]::::

Oh good. Now it's a treasure hunt also. You definitely think the next thing you should do is scrounge around your house in every conceivable corner looking for the rest. Right after you smack your head into a wall a few thousand times.

Yeah, you're right, you've definitely wasted enough time. Let's get serious about this thing with some important adult decisions that grown up adults should make. You very maturely and sensibly make your way to the door only to stop. When you pull slightly on the door you can feel some very heavy weight pushing down on the other side. Luckily your door swings inward, so it's not blocking your escape. That's the kind of existence you dread, feeling so utterly incomprehensibly lonely in this little void of a room, no exit, no form of communication outside of this little internet connection. You'd be forced to be entertained only by the contents of your favorite website and all it's various members good and bad.

Continuously forced to refresh the same page over and over on the same forum waiting for replies. Stuck, if you will, in a sense which possibly borders on the titular.

[Ray]: Prepare Thyself for trouble.

That weight on your door is making you extremely nervous. You can feel your FIGHT OR FLIGHT instinct kicking in, which luckily for you activates a secondary function of this inventory system you call a SYLLADEX.

This secondary function is called your TOOL CACHE. It allows you to select one type of...."tool"....to wield in battle against foes. Unfortunately once you've set the tool type, it's forever locked as your permanent SPECIBUS.You don't even want to relive the fit of stupidity that led you to allocating the PENCILKIND attribute to it. It basically leaves you with only one option, hoping to give your enemies LEAD POISONING. For some reason this hasn't been very effective against the only foes you've ever had to face, those ROBOSTROCITIES your LIL BRO calls a hobby.

Like usual, your TOOL CA- okay you are tired of holding the shift key enough already!Like usual your tool cache automagically snaps up any drawing utensils nearby and gives a readout of their battle effectiveness. It seems these two #2 pencils aren't very strong. How weird! You sensibly disregard this information because you're sure that it won't ever come up as some kind of major obstacle later on down the road. Yep, that's right, you feel as safe as a small child would playing with their favorite plugged in toaster and a knife

You begin examining the robostrocity. You examine the heck out of it for a good minute or two.

After your foot starts hurting you stop and actually look at the thing. It has to weigh a ton! That could have seriously injured you if it had actually fallen on you. Your LIL BRO is always causing you problems but this is whole new level of irresponsibility.

[Ray]: Take the robot apart, remove Lego Mindstorms Intelligent Brick and rebuild it into a video game console

You try to take apart the robot and fail spectacularly. The only TOOL you have available is your pencil, and it ain't doin' nothin' for you here. Is it lefty loosy, righty tighty? You always forget.

You give up because you're pretty sure this isn't made out of LEGO and more to the point you don't really have the MECHANISKILLS to build something else anyway.

Speaking of stats....

[Ray]: Wonder how you did that flip

You press an esoteric combination of keys, buttons, and clicks to access your personal files. You open up your APTITUDE DOSSIER, an index of every describable ability, skill, and trait you possess. Sure enough, your Athleticoolness Coefficient has increased exponentially. Before, your level was somewhere that could be described as equivalent to an extremely agile snail. Now you're suddenly flipping through the air like it's nothing?? Maybe........it was just the rush of adrenaline? Your ordinarily creative imagination somehow fails to concoct any more complicated explanation then that, and you solemnly accept it without a single question, even though that kind of incredible increase in almost any skill is nearly unheard of.

[Ray]: Examine other files

Well, while you're busy being obscured by this needlessly large menu screen you might as well examine the other files. This is your HIEREQUEUE, a ranking system that shows how far you've gotten. You've been busy waiting in this QUEUE for as long as you can remember. No matter how impatiently you tap your foot, look at your watch, sigh heavily, and cough it just keeps moving at granular pace. You're not even sure what lies at the end of this wait. It's so far in the distance you can't even make out whatever new product release or free item giveaway it is you've locked yourself into. Sadly after waiting for so long you've become invested in the outcome and deciding to leave now would be tantamount to failure. So you breathe heavily and stand on your toes once more to see if the line is moving up ahead.

Nope.

Your DENOMINATIONS ACCRUED are now in the upwards of HUNDREDS of monies! Such an incredible fortune must be guarded carefully.

you are so psyched about completing this list you almost can't contain it. Oh wait you just found a small thimble that would be perfect. You pour your single drop of excitement inside to keep it safe, but accidentally spill it. If by accidentally you mean 'accidentally threw it out your window that we've all agreed not to acknowledge'.

[Ray]: Ask Penguin about the PENGUIN EMPIRE and its glorious EMPEROR

NEVER!

The PENGUIN EMPIRE and it's glorious EMPEROR were long ago overtaken and ravaged by a CRUEL POTENTATE, Whipper of the Low, Destroyer of the Prostrate, Queen of the Northern Frost...she goes by many titles, but her unending domination of the avarian world will never be forgotten. To even mention this desolation to your beloved Penguin would bring only misery and tears to its fake plastic eyes. He can never forgive these terrors, and so never can you.

[Ray]: Contemplate metaphysical ramifications of what just went down.

Silly Puffin fantasies aside, you can't help but consider what just happened. Although you successfully avoided being hurt, for a brief moment you hallucinated that the falling robot had succeeded in its deadly duty of using gravity to destroy you. You remember almost disturbingly vividly feeling the cold weight crushing you and your mind slowly drifting from this world to a place you had but only dreamt of. The fantasy was so real...so haunting...You are more than a little shaken by it. You decide it's your solemn duty to kick your LIL BRO's butt the next chance you get for forcing you to feel the cold grip of mortality, even if only in your imagination. It had to have just been in your imagination after all. Reality doesn't just blink back and forth like that. That'd be ridiculous.

[Ray]: Less contemplatin' more locomatin'

You step out of your room finally and head out into the Hallway. Look at this mess! You wish you knew why he insisted on piling these things outside your room all the time. Granted, you can't help but smile at a few of his aesthetic choices for their forms but why can't he just keep them in his room instead of clogging up your travel path like this!!

No treasures here. Just dust. He ran out of fuel a long time ago and you are not the type to stock the alcoholic beverages that power this little guy, so he just stands here and occasionally acts as a nice coat rack.

[Ray]: Take zamor launcher from robostrocity

You think you might have the perfect plan for your revenge. You quickly try to remove the Zamor Launcher from this Ignika look-alike and fail. It may look like Lego, but that thing is almost solid iron. There's no way you can remove it. It also looks like it's not even a real launcher - the entire mechanism is just a single piece of metal made to look like it is functional. This is really more of a statue than a robot.

[Ray]: Program the robotic dog to break down your little bother's door.

On to Plan B: Sparky's Revenge. You poke and prod the E-CyboPooch but don't make any progress in programming it to hunt down your LIL BRO. Probably because you don't really know anything about robotics. or programming. or really anything of a technical nature.

[Ray]: Observe WARNING TAPE.

You suppress a shudder, and if anything Captcha-loggable was nearby you would have snapped it up as quick as a cobra who has eyed a particularly plump field mouse snoozing in the afternoon sun as the emotion of pure unadulterated FEAR courses through your veins. The worst part is how far it managed to chew through the door before it finally shorted out. It would have taken two, maybe three more inches max and you AND your bro would have been dead where you stood.

[Ray]: Ignore WARNING TAPE and open the door.

ARE YOU INSANE?? You were the one who insisted on putting those warnings on there in the first place! Sure, it's PROBABLY shut down. Sure, it PROBABLY can't do you any harm now. Sure, if it was still alive down there, it would PROBABLY have already come back up and finished the job. But man, it would be just its style to lure you into a false sense of security, to think you could finally travel down into your flooded basement and retrieve a few lost items and then BAM, you're fishfood.

You're sure that's exactly how it would go down, because that's how it went down that day.

That day changed everything. That was the day you began to fear the world of robotics.

It's so incredible to think before that day, you and your lil bro were pretty tight.

Before that day, you both saw the future as a shining utopia, you with your belief in humanity's expansion to the stars, him in his trust that robots would be our faithful companions along the way.

That day changed a lot around here. You began to fear and hate anything to do with robotics, and he began shutting himself into his room almost 24/7. It was clear he would come out for food and other necessities, but you almost never caught him in the act.

Was he preparing? Was he just scared? You never got the chance to ask. All you know is....

You've never really felt safe since then.

[Ray]: Push Bender look-a-like through hole in the door.

The fact that you think this idea is not only completely sane but a practical manuever shows what a dingus you are.

Ya dingus.

[Ray]: Move it along...

You think you have had QUITE ENOUGH of this hallway for one day. You've got two options here, to your right is the BATHROOM, and in front of you is your LIVING ROOM, which is probably the smarter option since it leads to the front door which leads to the OUTSIDE, which was supposed to be like, your goal or something. Since you certainly haven't wasted nearly enough time yet, the chances that you take the direct route are pretty much zero at this point. So, where will you go?

[Ray]: Forget about where you should go and just go into the bathroom.

An errant thought deters you from what almost seemed like a chance to get things done, and you maneuver into the bathroom. This place is just incredibly too big. It's larger than your entire bedroom! It's not even at the same isometric angle as the rest of the rooms in your house! Alright, clearly whoever built this place had no idea what they were doing.

[Ray]: Sit down and speculate as to why the bathroom is bigger than your own room.

What's to sit and think about? It's obvious whoever built this house had some pretty poor understanding about what architecture is. Probably someone more interested in fitting things into elegant shaped grooves then considering what a realistic amount of space for a bathroom should be. Someone a little more concerned about entertainment value than real-world aesthetics. Who really knows? Not you.

Then again the more of these pointless tasks you complete the more you find yourself kind of curious about the secrets in your house. Maybe this bathroom is just a decoy, hiding some secret place or purpose! You decide to search out the secret in spite of your disdain for the FRIVOLATIONS

No no no that's not how you do things at all! You're a man of SCIENCE, not MYSTICISM! You leave that dippy magic and love stuff to your friends. You are a cold empiricist, a man with an eye only for the rational even as your heart calls for the unobtainable. You do recognize that there is a weirdly light tile in a suspiciously centric placement....perhaps a trap door? You squat down to feel for latches but find nothing.

Suddenly you get the feeling that you are being watched! You feel like someone or something must be hiding in the tub. Those shower curtains are never closed except when in use! You suspect immediately that you're brother has once again laid some painful, mechanical trap. WELL NOT THIS TIME BUDDY!

[Ray]:Make sure no robotrocities are vandalizing the shower

GOTCHA

Oh my!

Why, this is no robostrocity! It is in fact your treasured rubber ducky, sir Francis Waddlesworth, who you have shared many a distinguished and reputable morning sharing daily lathering as you inquire as to the goings on of the world of finance and politic, guffawing quietly at the latest scandalous reports and enumerating such phrases as "My word!" "Indeed" "Quite Right, Quite Right" and "Could you pass the Caviar?".

[Ray]: Be rewarded

Are you KIDDING ME?

THAT's the secret???

YOU ARE SO INFURIATED!

Predictably your real feelings of anger force another card to be emotionally codified. Looks like Waddlesworth is coming with you.

[Ray]: Wish you had a Gravity Gun and thus could use the toilet as a weapon

Woah, gotta calm down. You never let out the INNER RAGE like that if you can help it. Luckily, you've adapted quite well to calming yourself down through fantasy immersion therapy, which is a thing you made up just now. You pretend for a minute that the Gravity Gun, a weapon from PARTICLE DECAY that lets you move objects without physically touching them is real and that you could wield it to screw around with your house.

Even though in real life tearing up your plumbing like that would be horrible, when you use your IMAGINATION like this it's just awesome! Luckily you're pretty sure there's no way magically levitating toilets will ever be an issue for you.

[Ray]: Attempt to flush self down toilet.

Sadly, the powers of IMAGINA-wow why do you keep capitalizing that anyway-TION are not easily contained or controlled. Your mind shifts to another vision, one that brings about a very real sense of disgust. Gross!

Tahu, who was codified with the emotion of disgust(remember?) comes flying out of your Sylladex.

It looks like retrieving these items is a matter of duplicating the emotional state you were in when they were first captchalogued! This whole system seems like a great way to train a person in controlling and focusing their emotions in addition to being an inventory system. Too bad you haven't figured out how to really do that yet!

[Ray]: Deep-clean your Bionicle in the bathtub.

Well, at least you can get that done while you're here.

Good as new!

Okay....now how to put him back where he came from.

[Ray]: Be Sad

In the interest of science you decide to see if you can fake an emotion to put him back in your Sylladex. You try sadness because you also want to get rid of that stupid empty can while you're at it. Hmm...

Maybe you just need to try harder?

YOU CALL THAT SAD? I'll SHOW YOU SAD BUDDY! YOU'LL BE CRYING FROM FIVE DIFFERENT PLACES WHEN I'M DONE WITH YA yeah okay this isn't working.

[Ray]: Be FRUSTRATED

Luckily, your failure with fake sadness produces some very real frustration. Looks like that counts! Sweet!

[Ray]: Inspect strange items on the counter next to the sink

What? Strange items? You guess maybe not everyone has access to standard hygiene products but you figured most people would know what this stuff is. You got your hand soap, bar soap, a couple toothbrushes, and a cheap disposable razor for that wild mane of facial hair you've got going on there.

In fact, looks like that bad boy's trying to come in again. You just shaved two weeks ago and everything! Being an adult is hard.

Careful....Careful....

You finish up and then freak out when you look in the mirror. Why, who's that incredibly handsome young man right there and how did he get into your house? Is this perhaps a burglary performed by a daring troupe of attractive rouges? A heist by baby-bottom smooth ruffians who deep down still possess a heart of gold, looking only to feed their impoverished young orphan friends? Oh no, now you see! That dastardly good looking man in the mirror was you all along! Give yourself a thumbs up you little heart breaker.

[Ray]: Get outta there.

The longer you stay in that bathroom the closer and closer you come to being forced into the dark halls of that all knowing terror, that of TOILET HUMOR, and nobody wants that to happen. You head into the living room.

Well, here you are, the living room at last. Your goal is within sight, just a few more steps to the door and you're done. Somehow though, you suspect it won't be this easy. For one thing, your SMART PHONE is beeping away incessantly over there with new messages from your acquaintances. For another, there's suddenly a tight sensation in your stomach that says you require sustenance and fast. Sure, we could pretend that there's any chance you'll just move forward and ignore these distractions but let's get real here. You've got the kitchen on your right, your brother's room on your left, and the patio straight ahead.

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]After all, the ceiling is already busy being occupied by something so much better.[/font]

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]Oh man. This movie. You have no words.Positively the most believable alien movie you've ever seen. You couldn't believe your eyes when you saw this poster for sale. You wanted to hang it in the living room, but of course despite your agreement of complete decorative control in here your LIL BRO was adamant about not having this monstrosity being placed on the walls. So naturally, you hung it on the ceiling where he couldn't reach it. Hehehe.[/font]

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]Stop it. Do not put that in your mouth. Hunger is not an emotion and your stomach is not a sylladex.[/font]

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][Ray]: Answer[/font]

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]It looks like GG was bothering you about something or other, but he logged off before you could respond. You're sure he's just being dramatic like he always is.[/font]

Looks like another friend is also trying to aggravate you. Looks like she hasn't logged off yet, so you can still respond.

Spoiler

MoochyMensch (MM) began aggravating IrritableRevenant (IR) at 12:20 CST[color=#66CCCC;]MM: sup butt[/color]IrritableRevenant is Away[color=#66CCCC;]MM: >:|[/color]IrritableRevenant is still Away[color=#66CCCC;]MM: ok you're not here but remember when i went on that trip and got flocked[/color][color=#66CCCC;]MM: me and PI[/color][color=#66CCCC;]MM: look look at this[/color][color=#66CCCC;]MM: See?[/color]IrritableRevenant has Appeared[color=#DB9900;]IR: Haha woah oh man[/color][color=#DB9900;]IR: That's amazing[/color][color=#66CCCC;]MM: hi[/color][color=#DB9900;]IR: Haha hey sorry[/color][color=#DB9900;]IR: I've been uh[/color][color=#DB9900;]IR: causing trouble in the bathroom[/color][color=#66CCCC;]MM: uh oh[/color][color=#66CCCC;]MM: what kind of trouble[/color][color=#DB9900;]IR: >>;[/color][color=#DB9900;]IR: I'd rather not talk about it[/color][color=#66CCCC;]MM: that's fine i don't want to actually hear about your smelly shenanigans[/color][color=#DB9900;]IR: Man it ain't like that I've just been like, dealing with robots all day and I don't have anything to fight them with[/color][color=#DB9900;]IR: 'cept a few pencils[/color][color=#DB9900;]IR: but they're made of metal so stabbing's out and trying to give them lead poisoning is not really working either[/color][color=#66CCCC;]MM: pencils aren't made of lead dunkhead[/color][color=#66CCCC;]MM: pencils aren't mightier than swords either[/color][color=#DB9900;]IR: what[/color]

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][Ray]: Realize that PENCILS don't (and indeed NEVER DID) use LEAD; they use GRAPHITE.[/font]

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"][/font]

Spoiler

[color=#DB9900;]IR: Oh god it's true[/color][color=#DB9900;]IR: and I was just about to go into the kitchen[/color][color=#DB9900;]IR: you just know there's something hiding in there and now I've got nothing[/color][color=#DB9900;]IR: and I'm soo hungry ;_;[/color][color=#66CCCC;]MM: [/color][color=#66CCCC;]MM: i'd send you something[/color][color=#66CCCC;]MM: but you know this thing only goes one way[/color][color=#66CCCC;]MM: someone else will have to be your cavalry today : ([/color][color=#DB9900;]IR: well thanks anyway[/color][color=#DB9900;]IR: if you don't hear back from me[/color][color=#DB9900;]IR: then I leave all my fries to you[/color][color=#66CCCC;]MM: haha[/color][color=#66CCCC;]MM: like you ever had a choice[/color]MoochyMensch (MM) ceased aggravating IrritableRevenant (IR) at 12:23 CST

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][Ray]: Be Anxious[/font]

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"][/font]

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"][/font]

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]The scientific fact that whatever fictional cartoon world it was you were living in where pencils used lead instead of graphite no longer exists causes you a great amount of anxiety. Now your formerly useless weapons tools have been downgraded to COMPLETELY useless. Unless you wanted to write your enemies a particularly nasty note.[/font]

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]The kitchen is your LIL BRO's domain, much like this entertainment/living room is yours and you just know he's booby trapped it to keep you from snarfing down all his snacks. Granted, it was probably wise of him to do that since snarf is exactly what you'd do otherwise but still.[/font]

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][Ray]: Watch TV[/font]

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]Man, you are just not ready to face whatever lies in the kitchen yet. You decide the best medicine might just be to space out completely by watching whatever brain-numbing entertainment you can find on your GIGANTIC TELEVISION. [/font]

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][Ray]: Ponder what sort of DARK MAGICKS or rather TRUSTY SCIENCES could possibly have been required in the creation of such a monstrous telly.[/font]

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][/font]

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]Okay that command is clearly way too long. In any case, the story of the acquisition of this humongous moving picture deliverance device is quite long and interesting. It was quite awhile back when....you...were...spacing...out...[/font]

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][Ray]: Space Out[/font]

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]You suddenly lose focus of reality. You slip into a trance like state that can only be described as "spacing out"[/font]

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]WHERE ARE YOU???[/font]

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][Ray]: SNAP OUT OF IT![/font]

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]UGH what is with you today?? It's like some kind of nexus of weirdness centers around this day and you're standing smack dab in the middle getting hit with pieces of freaky debris and flying cows and ladies on bicycles. Shake it off![/font]

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][RAY]: Stand on the RUG in the center of the room and SPIN[/font]

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]Why, it's nothing but a fun game you like to play with your LIL BRO, your one communal experience together. You play by moving your piece then leaving to wait for him to respond in kind. It's a great form of non-vocal companionship that's right up your alley. You lost the last game, but you've got pretty high hopes for this next one. Sadly since he plays WHITE you can't yet make a move till he takes the first step![/font]

[font="verdana, geneva, sans-serif;"][Ray]: Be Foreshadowed[/font]

[font="'courier new', courier, monospace;"]Please, you think you've had more than enough strange and disturbing events that seem to point towards a mysterious and unhappy future, plus why would Chess have anything to do anything anyway? It's just a silly game and you think that anyone who believes it holds more significance is going to be pretty disappointed.[/font]

Alright alright, enough of this nonsense! You're a hungry young adult and you're going to get yourself a sandwich if it's the last thing you do. You put your determined face on and get ready for whatever encounter it is that waits for you. You are TOTALLY DOING THIS MAN, you are MAKING IT HAPPEN.

Whatever the heck your objective was, it sure wasn't screwing up your kitchen like this! Look at all this, especially that Pepper. You just know it's going to get into -everything-. You'll be finding pepper on things months from now, you just bet. It was lucky you took down this hunk of junk before it started throwing a bunch of eggs at you or something equally dumb. Even luckier was the fact that this robot was dumb enough to be fooled with your standard SPAM OVERLOAD, a necessary technique for any budding Robophobic.

You figured such an exciting battle should have given your fellow line-goers in the HIEREQUEUE enough incentive to let you move ahead a few places, but it seems they are completely unmoved by your acrobatic endeavors! Even after all that work they just cry for more, more! Vultures, you swear. Maybe a few more epic and flashy battles will be enough to convince them to let you sidle forward a few measly steps towards your unknown destination.

[Ray]: Salvage food from FRIDGEBOT'S CORPSE.

done and done. Fridgebot's processors were fried, but it looks like his compressors are in fine working order. Everything inside is still fresh, if a little crushed by the hidden parts inside that take up most of the space so it can transform. Honestly you can't store much more than a few small vials and maybe some slices of bread, meat, and lettuce between layers of flesh-rending metal.

[Ray]: Discover what was behind the fridge.

Huh. A note. Probably something cantankerous from your LIL BRO.

Yup.

You don't have a good feeling about this cliche you're using. Or this situation.

Leather jacket, purple shades, Vox amplifier...who do you think you are, a 1960s rock and roller? I mean come on, dude; the British Invasion ended around 1966; who even uses Vox amplifiers anymore? Brian May, sure, but his band died with its frontman. And don't even mention The Edge; that hack doesn't 'use' the amp so much as he defiles its good name with his commitment to defecating on the very art of guitar-playing.

Geez, whoever you are, you sure have some OPINIONS about things.

[???]: What's your name?

No, no - you're just HIGHLY DISCERNING. Ain't no need to be sending out those negative waves, man!

[???]: So get on with the bloody name already

Your name is ANDREW ARTHUR

Sweet JESUS do you love MUSIC.

Doesn't matter if it's classical, orchestral, minimalist, jazz, swing, blues, motown, showtunes, folk, metal, sunshine pop, choral, punk, gospel, mbaqanga, a capella, worldbeat, electronic, western, eastern, retro, neo, or anything in-between. All genres have their merits and everything's worth a listen once. Whether it's worth a second listen depends on its artistic merit, and you can be a bit of a SNOB when it comes to assessing that.

Of all genres, however, the one that fascinates and captivates you most of all is GOOD OLD-FASHIONED ROCK AND ROLL. We're talking Chuck Berry, Little Richard, Carl Perkins, and their successors. Dreck aside, that such a humble musical movement could grow to such incredible artistic heights and cultural importance inspires you. And when it comes to instrumentation, few things move you as deeply as the searing leads of a FENDER TELECASTER, the bluesy crunch of a STRATOCASTER, or the energized rhythm of a nice, hollow-bodied GRETSCH. You live and breathe the guitar.

Music is the language of life, heart, and soul, to you. Peace, love, and music, man. That's how you roll. You're the fella with the maxed-out IMAGINATION and CHARISMA stats, leaving little in the STRENGTH or TECHNICAL areas. If a problem can't be solved with a guitar solo or your roguish charm, you're ######.

It should be noted that your high Charisma stats are linked to an exceedingly high PROFANITY proficiency, though you're easily bested by a WORD-FILTER ATTACK.

Anyway that's irrelevant. You just logged off the computer after speaking with your good friend RAY. What will you do now?

Oh god. This shmuck. Oh hey look at me, I'm the Edge; I'm going to rig my guitar up to so many echo and delay effects that I just have to strum once and the chord repeats itself until I need to switch to a different one. Hurr hurr look at me I'm not actually playing my guitar! I'm "filling in the notes that aren't there!" Hee hee!

No, Mr. The Edge, the way you fill in "notes that aren't there" is by ACTUALLY PLAYING THEM. You are a hack and the fact that you're trying to present yourself as an actual guitarist is an insult to real guitarists everywhere. Those pedals are for shaping tone and using your guitar to paint a soundscape, not forplaying the friggin' guitar for you. Experimentation and trying new things is great, but this isn't experimentation - this is called FAKING IT. You are FAKING IT, Mr. The Edge.

You couldn't do that to your SEA FOAM GREEN FENDER TELECASTER. This instrument is your LIFE. It is the most beautiful of all guitars, oh yes it is. Aren't you the sweetest and most rocking of all instruments, aren't you, girl? Oh yes you are. Kisses for you. Muchas Smooches.

[ANDREW]: Captchalogue Guitar

You sing "Guitar and Pen" by the Who.

"When you sing through the verse and you end in a screamAnd you swear and you curse 'cause the rhyming ain't cleanBut it suddenly comes after years of delayYou pick up your guitar, you can suddenly play"

The GUITAR is snatched by your SYLLADEX and stored in a CAPTCHLAGOUE CARD with the LYRIC MODUS. With the Lyric Modus, you must sing a song relating to the item you wish to captchalogue. It doesn't need to be wholly literal, but the modus can be persnickety. You usually sing the Beatles' "While My Guitar Gently Weeps," but the Sylladex sometimes finds that one too existential.

[ANDREW]: Fix your hair

...Fix?

[ANDREW]: Check your cell phone

Looks like you got a message from PI, one of your close FRIENDS. Friends are the best. You don't know what you'd do without your friends, always there for you, always providing support and laughs and good times. Most of your best pals live out of town, some of them even in different countries, so it's good to have phones and computers to keep in touch with them. To be honest, keeping in touch with friends is about the extent of your ability with technology - well technology that isn't musical, anyway.

Truthfully, that's part of what worries you about this whole GAME thing. Sure, playing something with your friends sounds great, but you don't really do video games. You just can't keep up with anyone when you're coerced into playing a video game - all the buttons and the motion and the lights and graphics confuse you. Maybe your motors skills are underdeveloped, or maybe you just suck at them instrinsically, but video games are just too much for you to handle. Ray and company managed to convince you to play along with them, but inside, you're very worried you're going to blow the whole thing and upset everyone.

[ANDREW]: Wax poetic with yon skull

"Ah, now is the winter of our discontent, made - " ... wait, wrong play

"If music be the food of love, play - " ... wait, not, still not right

"To be or not to - " ... wait, okay, getting closer

"ALAS, POOR YORICK. I KNEW HIM, HORATIO. A FELLOW OF INFINITE JEST, OF MOST EXCELLENT FANCY; HE HATH BORE ME ON HIS BACK A THOUSAND TIMES." There we go.

Haha, just kidding, you have that whole play memorized; you even directed it once.

"And yet, how abhorred in my imagination is is. My gourd rims at it! Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment, that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one now, to mock your own grinning? Quite chap-fallen. Now get you to my lady's chamber, and tell her, let her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must come...make her laugh at that."

Oh Yorick...dear, sweet Yorick.

[ANDREW]: Examine record collection

Ahhh, vinyl...music the way it's meant to be. CDs and mp3 players are great for convenience, when you're on the go...but when you want to really sit back and EXPERIENCE the music, you need to listen to it on a record. The warm analog sound caresses and consumes you, like a gentle, loving zephyr of auditory sensory experience. Music sets you free.

You have about 300 records, crossing all kinds of genres - from jazz to blues to rock'n'roll and everything in-between. The fact that you can grab them for a dollar apiece at the local used bookstore feeds your addiction. One time you got a pristine double-LP album of Tommy Dorsey Orchestra songs, some featuring a young Frank Sinatra on vocals, for TEN CENTS. The record hadn't even been opened. It was a grand day. Of course even that doesn't beat the time you got the entire Velvet Underground discography from a shady guy on a street corner in the city. That pretty much COMPLETED YOUR LIFE.

You pull a record off the shelf at random. LED ZEPPELIN's fourth! A boss choice. Let's give 'er a listen...

All right, time to place this bad boy on the turntable and - well hello, what have we here??

Oh yessssssss!

You found your flask of IRISH WHISKEY, or as you like to call it, your GOOD BUDDY JAMESON. This stuff bolsters your BRAVERY and IMAGINATION statistics exponentially, and it's also the most delicious stuff in the world. Uh, you know, for legal, responsible adults, obviously. Don't drink and drive, etc.

You sing "Have a Drink on Me" by AC/DC ("My glass is getting shorter On whiskey, ice, and water") to captchalogue the FLASK while you put the RECORD on the turntable.

[ANDREW]: Enjoy "Stairway" on vinyl, brother

Spoiler

GlamGuitarist began pestering MoochyMensch at 1:17 PM ESTGG: OH MY GODDDDGG: I'm listening to Led Zeppelin's fourth album on vinyl and oh my godddddGG: it's too goodGG: it's too good to be realGG: MM: good things can be realGG: but it's just impossibly greatGG: it's so rock and rollGG: and it's hard, it's so hardGG: but it's also vauntedGG: it takes the blues and rock and roll and lays them out with the pounding bonzo beats and jimmy's overdriven sustainGG: but it takes them somewhereGG: it takes them to new places, this galvanized, electric voice, it takes all the things that came before and says "but is it art?"GG: and it takes the core of what drives the blues and rock and roll, which is feelingGG: and it makes the whole record about that, even when it's nonsensical feeling, because nonsensical feelings are real feelings tooGG: so often when you turn ont he fuzzbox or the OD, that core gets lost; it's so easy to lose that emotional core when you're plucking the screaming leadlinesGG: #### you could even argue that Zeppelin lost track of it sometimes, too, in some of their excesses. I think that'd be valid to argueGG: but not here, not in these tracksGG: the whole structure of the album is built to accentuate the moods, the build up to something, quiet down, and then build up again, to a different feelingGG: I think so many people get so caught up in Led Zeppelin's image that they forget what made the band so great, which was that they really were all virtuosos - they really were all artistsGG: "hard"/heavy rock is very often a very dumb genre. Most of the time, even. As much fun as it can be despite that.GG: but it never had to beMM: *nodnod*GG: much of this record is very, very heavy (though not all of it; there's a lot of textural variety and even textural variety among the heavy songs), but it's not dumb at allGG: things like thisGG: things like this make everything worthwhileGG: this, these things, things like this, that's justification for being aliveGG: and alsoGG: justification to createGG: and yeah im just talking your ear off by this point, and also i'm crying to this guitar solo, i guess that's the point iw as trying to make, sorry!!??? :X

MM: coolMM: super coolGG: anywayGG: what's upMM: same oldMM: i'm drawing this comicMM: about pigeonsMM: maybe you've heard of itGG: I'm trying to think of a pun involving pigeonsGG: something to really annoy youMM: D:<GG: BTGG: how aboutGG: uhGG: ######GG: i'm all dried up hereMM: goodGG: it's absolute horseFEATHERS that i can't come up with any good punsGG: it's really bringing me DOWNMM: goddddGG: I can't think of a single joke that could take FLIGHTMM: i'm leavingGG: all right see this is just you pigeonholing me on account of my humourGG: <---- I DID ITMM: goodbyeGG: GG: don't be like that doggGG: can I see the comic??MM: it's not done yetGG: godddGG: i guessGG: maybveGG: I deserve it for all t he awful punsGG: that'll be my.............................................GG: wait for itGG: PUNishmentMM: D<GG: <3GG: (they weren't awful at all they were totallya wesome)MM: i'm going for realGG: mann GG: sorryMM: yeah yeah yeah yeahGG: i guess I've got to go too, ray wants me to play this bloody gameGG: you should play too; are you playing?GG: (please play)MM: yesGG: (you can play for me)MM: noooMM: play for yourselfGG: bro you know how i am about them video gamesGG: you know I am THE WORSTMM: wellMM: get your rear in gearGG: godddGG: miss cranky tonightMM: yeah see comics don't draw themselvesGG: okay i'm sorryMM: miss hassled tonight!GG: wellGG: i'd say show the comic to me when you finish but you'll totally REFUSE because you're totally LIKE THAT >:[GG: so i'm gonna suggest you show it to rayGG: you guys are comic bros like thatMM: natchGG: (that was I can get him tos how it to me)GG: GG: but okay fine ifne i'll stop distracting youGG: byyyeee, good luck witht he comic etc etc etc, your comics are the ####, ok byeMM: catch you laterMM: btwMM: are you going to eat those?GG: man i ain't even got any fries, man!!!!GG: not one! i swear!!GG: they keep DISAPPEARING whenever i make 'emMM: dang : (GG: i think my room-mate keeps santching themGG: snatching*MM: i bet GG: you know how he isGG: he's always looking to put things in his mouthMM: i knowMM: is that like a household thingGG: hn?GG: ohGG: HEY D:<MM: MM: ;)GG: (never change)GG: peaceMM: lllaterglamGuitarist ceased aggrivating moochyMensch

[ANDREW]: Empty Jameson into motuh

Aye aye, cap'n.

What - did you think you'd pass out on the floor or something? If you were a lightweight, would you have accepted that command? You know your limits, bro.

[ANDREW]: Take a look at ratty old couch

Ah #### yeah. This ###### Green Couch. You've had this forever; it's a relic of your college days. The sofa's surface is riddled with tears and stains, with stuffing poking out of rips everywhere, but the ding-dang thing is SO bloody comfortable, you could never reupholster it, or get rid of the couch. Your ROOMMATE calls it "The Couch that Hugs You." Indeed, you still sleep on the couch, as you've yet to save up enough funds to purchase a bed.

Really, you'll probably just keep it until it literally falls into pieces, and you'll give it a proper funeral under the visage of the Lord David Bowie.

You run your hand over the soft, smooth green fabric, gently fingering a hole in the cushion. Ah, this old thing has such character.

Wait...what's this between the cushions?

[ANDREW]: Remove item gingerly - come on, it's not that difficult

Oh my. Hello.

Well this brings up an interesting conundrum. It sure isn't going back to where it came from, so what are you going to do with it?

[ANDREW]: Wear the bra. Regret nothing.

You could just keep it and use it in an act like this. It could be YOUR bra now. Androgyny is totally glam-rock, after all.

[ANDREW]: Go full glam

Hoo!

SHE'S SO SWISHY IN HER SATIN AND TAT

IN HER FROCK COAT AND BIPPETY-BOPPITY HAT

OH GOD, I COULD DO BETTER THAN THAAAAT!!

Oh man. Oh MAN. This, this is your dream, Once, there was merely rock and roll in your life. But ever since you found THE RISE AND FALL OF ZIGGY STARDUST AND THE SPIDERS FROM MARS at the local thrift store and placed that record on your turntable, you knew GLAM ROCK was in your blood. The screaming guitars, the surging power, the lyrical and sexual ambiguity, the bursts of feeling, the theatrical grandeur...songs like "Time" and "Rock and Roll Suicide" and "All the Young Dudes" just make you tear up in awe and FEELING.

To be honest, you're pretty certain David Bowie actually is a god. Only a divine being could be so impossibly perfect and beautiful. Oh David Bowie...you want to BE David Bowie.

With every note you record, every lyric you write, you can feel yourself getting closer to your dreams. Nothing is more thrilling, more exciting and fulfilling, that playing a music to an enraptured audience. SHARING your music with others is an electric connection, one for which you live and create. To share your art and your message with just one person...even just one...just being able to say to one person "you're not alone"...that would make it all worthwhile.

You're going to save the world with rock and roll music.

[ANDREW]: Hey, you, get off of that cloud

Yeah, yeah...you guess you should stop with the serious, important pursuits and instead focus on demonstrating your AMAZING LACK OF VIDEO GAME PROWESS by CHECKING YOUR MAILBOX for the game. Unfortunately, you know the mail has already come - you heard your room-mate return earlier, which meant he probably got the mail. And to be honest, you really feel like avoiding a conflict with him right now.

Your relationship with your room-mate is one of mutual annoyance. He was the bassist in your BAND back in college, the fearsome PREDACONS. You're often PONDERED THE IDEA OF RE-FORMING THE BAND, but you don't know how that would pan out. Your drummer's off being some kind of RESPECTABLE TEACHER now and who knows what happened to your keyboardist. And your room-mate is, well, your room-mate, and things are weird between you and him.

Yeah, you know what; forget that. You're going to fool around some more.

Yorick? Why, as you've said, he was a fellow of infinite jest and most excellent fancy, who hath borne you on his back a thousand times.

I mean, doesn't everyone have a skull in their house? Isn't that a thing? How else would you soliloquize solemnly and pay tribute to the Bard? Yours in particular was attained from a friend as a gift to adore your desk back in your college days, replacing the GREEN SPARKLY SEQUINED PLASTIC SKULL you'd previously possessed, which was beautiful but SOMEWHAT GAUDY. Yorick here soon saw much armchair monologuing and even served a brilliant cameo as himself in your aforementioned production of Hamlet.

Did you forget to mention your love of the THEATRE? That's kind of a thing. Your ROOM-MATE and you were both theatre majors in college, which is how you initially met. You still engage in IMPROV BATTLES on occasion, sometimes over dinner. Now that he rarely plays his BASS GUITAR anymore, it's one of your few modes of connection.

[ANDREW]: Consider your favourite album you don't haveAbsolutely and without a doubt that would be The Kinks are the Village Green Preservation Society. It's absolutely criminal how little-known the Kinks are in this day and age, given what pioneers they were not only of rock music, but genre fusions and pristine songwriting in general. Ray Davies is one of the finest songwriters of the twentieth century and Dave Davies, despite his lack of general notoriety, remains one of the most influential guitarists of all time. "You Really Got Me" and "All Day and All of the Night" effectively invented chord-driven riffs in rock and roll and kickstarted the use of fuzz, distortion, and other tone shaping for all guitarists who followed. But heavy riff-driven rockers were far from the only face of the Kinks, a band known also for witty satire, music hall explorations, and theatrical concept albums. The Village Green Preservation Societyshowed the band exploring yet another direction entirely. While their peers delved into heavier rock (riding the trend largely begun by the Kinks), Davies and his band looked back to forgotten childhood and wistful notions of a simpler, rural England. The album uses a constructed nostalgia to allow a deep and poignant self-examination. The songs are generally soft, intelelctual, and unifying; all impeccably played and sung with gentle harmonies that highlight the human emotions and feelings they touch upon. At a time when everything had grown louder, the Kinks made the boldest statement by becoming quieter.If you ever find a vinyl copy of this record, you will flip out so hard that you'll leave a crater.

This probably is another one of the 69 SECRETS to unlock, but your ineptitude at video games prevents it from registering.

[ANDREW]: Captchalogue Yorick

You sing some sad songs about death and stuff an that does the trick. Hopefully you won't need to retrieve that skull; remember what you sang would be a pain.

[ANDREW]: Grab dem strings

Ernie Ball regular slinkies the lime pack, your brand of choice. You've been considering trying the pure nickel variety, but these have been your standby for years, so you're hesitant to switch things up.

[ANDREW]: Equip strings

You equip the GUITAR STRINGS in your TOOL CACHE. You're a dude of peace, so you don't really dig using things as weapons - but sometimes whipping these out is the only way to keep your HOUSEMATE from taking the last DOUGHNUT. That guy would take all the doughnuts if he could. He would commit DOUGHNUT GENOCIDE. So in a way, you use the specibus to keep peace. PASTRY PEACE.

That's about as far as you're going to take this cop-out line of rationale, before you completely urinate on all your principles.

What's something more fun to think about?

[ANDREW]: Convince your friends to form a band with you

That is a GREAT IDEA. You sit down at your computer to sign in--oh...

Right...

[ANDREW]: Look under desk

It's your bright orange OTTOMAN, something you can sit on and that you keep hidden under your desk on purpose, not at all because a comic author forgot to draw a chair in your room, oh no. That would be too obnoxiously meta even for this charade.

That's four out of 69 SECRETS UNLOCKED, for you kids keeping score at home.

[ANDREW] Sit down and convince your friends to form a band with you

Spoiler

glamGuitarist began pestering cardinalPuffin at 1:18 PM ESTGG: OH GREAT EMPRESSGG WE MUST ROCK TOGETHERCP: Lay off the sauce, guycardinalPuffin signed off at 1:18 PM ESTGG: :(

Spoiler

glamGuitarist began pestering moochyMensch at 1:18 PM ESTGG: Hey I know you're still working on that comic, but I had a great idea; we should form a bandMM: nop.[/color]

Spoiler

glamGuitarist began pestering passiveInfiltrator at 1:18 PM ESTGG: HEY. Let's form a band!Away message from PI: I'm not here, so here's some bubble wrap for the time being.

Spoiler

glamGuitarist began pestering technicalDropout at 1:18 PM ESTGG: HEY BROGG: brobrobroGG: broman polanksiGG: broman empireGG: brokeback mountainTD: Greetings, my bromide solutionTD: What words do you bring merrily?GG: wellGG: if suggestions of great weight cause tremors, i'm about to rock the broatGG: I think.................................we should form a bandGG: bro band. brand.GG: (bro)TD: Haha whatTD: Didnt we already do thatTD: Something like the Degenertones or something like thatTD: Or was that even meGG: You're thinking of that time CP wanted to form a punk bandGG: oh no waitGG: that was meGG: and I asked her to join and she said noGG: ...GG: this is like the eighth time i've tried this, isn't it?TD: Okay well sure lets form another band that sounds like a totally awesome thing to do that will totally happen and not be a complete waste of time i guessTD: I will play the nothing as per usualGG: I thought you had a keyboardTD: Well yeah i do but i cant really use it since its more for just laying down some sick beats when i feel like itTD: (which is never)GG: um, so, lay down sick beats for the band, manGG: and i mean you can learn to play itGG: do you think my housemate knew how to play bass when we formed the Predacons? did that stop him?GG: did the factt hat she knew nothing about music stop paul mccartney from making his wife the keyboardist in Wings?GG: basically i'm asking you hereGG: be my wifeTD: Sorry man im just not into you like thatTD: (musically)TD: But im totally down for listening to what you got to demoTD: I just put in some new stuff that will really make the people next door crazyTD: IfTD: There were people next doorTD: (which there is not)GG: you're breaking my heart manGG: uhGG: what have i got that i feel comfortable sendingGG: uhhGG: OH well i did record this cover todayGG: you might like itGG: i still need to fix up the drums on all my original stuffGG: (am I being to perfectionist?)GG: (am I terrible)GG: (will i never finish)TD: Haha no worries i just want to test the parameters of this equipmentTD: Which reminds me you havent forgotten have you**GG is trying to send TD thatthing.mp3**GG: uh...forgotten?TD: SIIIIIIIIGHGG: i haven't forgotten....my dedication to THE BANDGG: by which i mean the band, because "the weight" is perfectGG: but also our new bandGG: brandTD: Why yes our bandTD: Our band of exactly eight membersGG: !!!!GG: waitGG: whatGG: are we gonna be a prog-rock outfitGG: is that what you're suggesting hereGG: are we gonna have three guitarists and two keyboardistsGG: ar eyou going ot BECOME rick wakeman?GG: am i robert fripp now?GG: who's gonna be roger waters?GG: should we name ourselves after a continent, like Asia?GG: could we be Antarctica?TD: Hush your pretentious prattling you goofTD: For the gameGG: that'sGG: that's not a prog-rock albumGG: i mean, queen's earlier stuff isGG: but that's just pop rockTD: The game that we are about to playGG: ...TD: The one that might possibly save our livesTD: PossiblyTD: MaybeGG: ???TD: The one ID is getting us to playTD: The one from legoTD: Stop doing that silly thing where you forget about stuff like thisGG: OHGG: ohGG: oh ######GG: i told ray i was going to get that, didn't iGG: and then I kind of GG: forgotGG: on purposeTD: Andrew please you have to playTD: Our success depends on itTD: I thinkTD: (possibly)GG: :|GG: manGG: manGG: man...TD: WhatGG: look, dude, I justGG: okay I'm going to confess somethingGG: it's a secretGG: so don't go telling everybody like i know you want toTD: I am mr zipperlipsTD: zzzzzzzzzzipGG: broGG: i really, really blow at video gamesGG: [THE FOLLOW LINE WAS REMOVED FOR INDECENY :) :) :) :) :) ]GG: i just don't think i'm going ot be able to handle this thing :/TD: Can i let you in on a secretTD: A real one and not like the pretend one you did just now that is a secret to absolutely no oneGG: you mean this is an open secret too?GG: first everyone finds out about all the stuff i did backstage in college, now this?GG: goddddTD: Please everyone knows about you and your hipster ironic charm but this is importantGG: ignoring that commentGG: important?TD: I think it just might beTD: See from what i have gathered each participant will bring to the game their greatest weaknessesTD: But also their strengthsGG: i'm not sure how my raw sexual magnetism can help in a video gameTD: You would be surprised at what things will affect this gameTD: But one thing to remember is while you will be challenged greatly on the road aheadTD: Your part in all of this is very important to our success as a wholeTD: Oh wait hang onTD: I just finished downloading your demoTD: I am just going to put this onGG: whattechnicalDropout signed off at 1:20 PM ESTGG: ButGG: But I love yoooou

The lid is knocked off your ottoman in the fall, revealing the terrifying and mystical secrets inside. Beads of sweat drop from your brow as you come face to face with your greatest folly, your greatest error, and your greatest foe.

Your blood runs cold and your throat catches. A scream rises to your lips, but no sound comes forth. You are paralyzed in fear.

It's been waiting.

An amorphous form spills forth from its prison. Its tentacles whip tauntingly, ensnaring you in their constricting grasp. Like a being possessed, it lunges at you, and there is no escape from its suffocating entanglement.

Oh the humanity! Oh the agony!! Oh the terror! Is this our brave hero's last stand??

IS THIS THE END OF THE LINE?

Is this...just your imagination running away with you?

This is STUPID. That is what it is.

It's just all your bloody instrument and microphone cables in a tangled mess, you big dramatic baby. That's what you get for just throwing them in your ottoman rather than coiling and hanging them in an organized fashion. Moron.

[ANDREW]: Play with Pinkie Pie to feel better

Oh yes.

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE FILLY, AND THE SUN WAS GOING DOWN

THE DARKNESS AND THE SHADOWS, THEY WOULD ALWAYS MAKE ME FROWN

I'D HIDE UNDER MY PILLOW FROM WHAT I THOUGHT I SAW

BUT GRANNY PIE SAID THAT WASN'T THE WAY TO DEAL WITH FEARS AT ALL!

SHE SAID "PINKIE! YOU'VE GOTTA UP TALL; LEARN TO FACE YOUR FEARS!

"YOU'LL SEE THAT THEY CAN'T HURT YOU; JUST LAUGH AND MAKE THEM DISAPPEAR!!"

HA HA HA!

Unfortunately, singing PINKIE PIE'S SONG captchalogues the toy and you're snapped harshly back to the cold and significantly less magical reality.

[ANDREW]: Stop horsing around

Yeah. Yeah, okay. You decide that it is time to leave your room and go somewhere else in your house. You've got to do it for Ray. You've got to do it for TD and PI and CP and MM and everyone. You've got to do it for friendship. Friendship will give you the strength and loyalty to overcome that which you dread.

Well, you made it to the hallway. You guys keeps things fairly sparse in here.

[ANDREW]: Examine posters

Ugh. Must you? Your housemate's obsession with all things military-related just gives you the creeps. You understand his interest from a historical standpoint, but all the tanks and guns and swords...it gets to the point where he glorifies war and that just makes your heart sink. Why do people hurt each other? Why turn to violence? Why is this horror still going on today? It's all such pointless pain - nobody wins when war is involved. You're a big proponent of "make love, not war."

Plus, I mean, given the choice, doesn't making out sound WAY better than hurting people? Kisses, not killings! Redheads not warheads! Blondes not bombs! You're talking about brunnettes, not fighter jets!

On a deeper, more personal note, another thing that bothers you about violence is the requisite viscera. You just can't stand to see blood and guts everywhere, not even on a television screen. Your housemate gets a kick out of tricking you into watching gory war films with blood splattering everywhere and you always get the heebie-jeebies. Man you don't even like the WORD "blood." Ugggggh.

You do crack a smile upon seeing your sole poster of protest snuck in among your housemate's warmongering...

WAR! HUH! GOOD GOD, Y'ALL. WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! SAY IT AGAIN!

You always have a smile when you see that Edwin Starr poster you snuck in the center of your housemate's military paraphernalia. Few protest songs were as perfectly done as his. Though if you had to choose a favorite, you'd probably go with John Lennon's classic "Give Peace a Chance." Both have messages that ring just as true today as they did decades ago.

All we are saying...is give peace a chance.

[ANDREW]: Get Pestered

Suddenly your phone pings. Ah, it's that rapscallion, GP.

Spoiler

graphicalPerfectionist began aggrivating glamGuitarist at 1:22 ESTGP: ?GP: are you thereGP: because it says you are notGG: i am here! GG: most unusualGP: okay so we're both invisible or somethingGG: so this is a double-secret-maxi-extreme conversationGG: we're both spies, or both batmanGG: or bothGP: dunununununuh batspies! GG: yesGG: i'd watch itGG: haha so how've you been man what's the happeningsGP: oh you know, the usual thingsGP: workingGP: putting off things for that guy we work for on bzpGP: getting hit by carsGP: no bigGG: oh man you know i'm the master of not doing work for th wait whatGG: ??? GP: wait what what? i am putting off these reviews i owe himGG: no you brickweed the car thingGG: ar eyou in a hospitalGG: ar eyou on life supportGP: no worse i am deadGG: NOOOOOOOOGG: <--- THE TEARSGP: this is me talking from beyond the veil broseGG: oh ######GG: the undiscovered countryGG: from whose borne no traveler returnsGP: no isn't that star trekGP: i am dead not in spaceGG: bro, you know i was goin' all hamlet, not all shatner GP: are you trying to imply that shatner is not the telvision and film moder-day equivalent of hamletGP: is that what you are sayingGP: because i probably have to agreeGG: that's an interesting proposition. it may be more far out than my idea that horatio is the unreliable narrator of hamlet and that he actually murdered everyone in the playGG: haha i actually argued that in a paper in collegeGG: i may not have been soberGP: did your professor give you a bad grade because you kept talking about shakespeare being one personGP: i mean we all know he was a collectiveGG: NO shut upGG: the bard manGG: the dude from avonGG: he's my homeboyGG: don't you be talkin' ###### about my homeboyGP: he's my homeboy nowGP: because we're both deadGP: and he told me he was a collective when we ate dinner at his place in the beyond yesterdayGP: all four of them made a delicious pizzaGG: whaaaatGG: whaaaaaaaatGP: i tell you whatGP: female shakespeareGP: you'd like herGG: ! GG: tell me moreGG: doesGG: does she have curly hairGP: yesGG: be still, my heartGP: and she's the one who wrote the yorrick skull passageGP: and a midsummer night's dreamGG: i'm all a-titterGG: what about twelfth nightGG: aka, the greatest play ever written in the english languageGP: she said she didn't write that one, but she might as well haveGP: i guess she was the final editorGP: and it was one of those "if this was a movie i'd better be an executive producer for how much rewriting i did"GG: tell her I commend her fine workGP: i will tell her you think she is fineGP: don't worryGG: and that maybe she and I should have a chat all up in this sometimeGP: secret message decodedGG: whoopsGG: exposed for the libidinous literate I amGP: it's okayGP: i think MM will be okay with itGG: man what you even meaning by sayin a thing like thatGP: are we really doing thisGP: the whole "i don't know what you're talking about" thing againGP: i've got you on video on a loop saying thatGP: so let me just go hit play so you don't have to type it outGG: come on we all know that if I ever hooked up with someone I've been friends with sicne we were tots, it'd be TDGG: obvsGP: yeah but that's likeGP: a friends with benefits thingGP: totes not the same thingGG: please, you and I are a friends with benefits thingGG: TD it would be likeGG: some sort of clone/incestual horror showGG: we'd just make everyone gape at our forbidden loveGP: just as long as you keep it out of the blogsGP: i already had that whole corey/shane thing way back in the dayGG: maybe I'll make shipping banners or something GG: also corey and shane are awesomeGP: yes they areGG: don't be hatin'GG: <3GP: i'm just saying be more originalGP: the blogs have already had that relationshipGP: you'd be old newsGP: but you and MMGG: man if I were any more original, i'd be biting an appleGP: that's likeGG: i am the original sin of bzpowerGP: the hawt newsGG: pleaseGG: she'd make me dress up like a pokeman or somethingGG: not cool timesGP: you know you've always wanted to show off your inner squirtleGG: bro that may actually be the most disgusting thing you've ever said to meGG: and we both know it's got stiff competitionGP: whatever i am all above those sorts of things now that i'm on the other side of the veilGG: bro GP: did you know they keep the good side of the veil facing outwardsGG: I think what you're doingGG: is you are playing hard to getGG: this whole death thingGG: and this whole MM thing you keep tossing outGG: you're just trying to keep yourself from admitting........your true feelingsGG: the steamy feels you've got.......for meGG: GP: hey broseph are you from the USSR because you're clearly stalin hereGP: trying to avoid the pointGP: which isGP: you plus MMGP: equals sweet salty french fry goodnessGG: i'm only stallin' because you've gotta ketchupGP: I'm sorry, i mustard you wrongGG: look you've just gotta stop grilling me about thisGG: i'm getting steamedGP: you know, you keep this up and we're going to have a beefGP: it'll be a giant pickleGG: man if you make one more pun, i'm gonna toast your bunsGP: lettuce stop now thenGG: pie have to agreeGG: we've registered our troubles, put 'em on the counterGG: time to drive through to resolutionGP: we should change the topic hereGP: this conversation only breads contemptGP: it'd be butter to move onGG: what, are you chicken? GP: you know i'd fry you at thisGP: i don't want to insalt youGP: by peppering my language with too many punsGG: you're puns are soda weak by nowGP: you know they're well seasonedGG: i'll meat a new one in every lineGP: i don't know, we might have ground them outGG: well, at least they're all in good orderGP: we need to table this talkGG: yeah, ###### this mayonoiseGP: i think you're getting fizzed offGG: don’t ice me, manGP: i knew you'd be crushedGG: you read me to a teaGP: sorry we have to stop god says he's tired of puns on this side of the veil because i'm dead and whatnotGG: okay i'll stop before i make him milkshake with angerGG: okay but seriously what's this about this car funny business? GG: tell me moreGP: uh, me plus bike plus car turning on a red light equals giant bruise on my chest from the handlebar deciding to try and merge with my torsoGP: and a wheel that looks like a figure 8GG: what!!! GP: oh and dyingGP: okay you caught me i'm alive sheeshGG: oh no bro i totally thought bruises were fatalGG: i thought that was a thingGP: it is a thingGP: but my bruise is yellow now and that means pause, don't dieGP: if it was green we'd be in troubleGG: also if you were hemophiliacGP: because bruises come in stoplight shadesGG: rightGG: everyone knows thisGP: it's a thingGG: they're funky light showsGP: i'm in college GP: so i am qualified to say this is a thingGG: you think you're so hip because you're still in collegeGG: pfftGP: whateverGG: rest of us workin' stiffs just out here makin' our livingsGP: it took me two years of hard work to get back to collegeGG: okay good pointGG: so instead of hipGG: you're more likeGG: hip replacementGG: ZINGGP: yesGP: because if i were hip i would be playing video games with ray, because he's the hippest and he keeps trying to get me to play some game with himGG: ughGG: you too eh? GP: yesGP: and i'm like GP: "bro meno, do i look like i play video games? no, because i'm in shape." GP: and he's likeGP: "dude me too, that's an unfair stereotype"GP: and i'm like "i know, i'm just trying to avoid playing"GG: he said the same thing to me when I was lke "do I look like I live in my mother's basement?" and "do I look like I promote an infantile, misogynistic culture that tries to present itself as an intellectual superiority?" GP: oh, so you went the whole "look at my big words i am smart now leave me alone" routeGP: i debated thatGP: but the pathway looked too full of thornes and i just couldn't handle going that hemingway, so i split it in twain insteadGP: god the punsGP: they keep happeningGG: oh god if you get me on literary puns i will never stopGG: we have to nip this int he bud before it startsGP: agreedGP: soGP: uhGP: video gamesGG: video gamesGG: godGP: what is ray's dealGG: I don't know manGG: I love the guy but come on dudeGG: do i even look like i can do a thing like thatGP: i think he's just lonely being in the flyover states now all by himselfGG: trueGP: now that i live on the coast i have an automatic bias against america's heartlandGG: see i've always had that deep-seated, being born and raised on the coastGG: i've got over two decades of disregard for the flyovers, true storyGP: mine is only shallowly seated right nowGG: oh it'll growGP: but when i started paying rent on the coast it was nice of them to send me my unfounded superiority complex free of chargeGP: it makes me feel good insideGG: probably slower for you since you're out west and all and we're a little more snobbish here in the eastGG: i mean, with good reason of courseGG: but I digressGG: coasts are the mostGG: end of storyGP: back to rayGP: because i want to know why he keeps bugging us allGP: i was like "ray, i got hit by a car"GP: and he was like "great, does this mean you'll have free time to play video games with me?" GP: after he said things like "man that must have sucked are you okay?" GG: hahaha whatGP: because only after expressing concern and appropriate levels of condolences is it okay to make that kind of jokeGG: usuallyGG: sometimes if you know the person reallyw ell you can skip right to the jokeGG: I thinkt hat's a "I have seen this person without clothes at least twice" level of comfortGP: or "i have slept in your bed" comfortGG: right! so what you and I shareGP: absolutelyGP: and almost TDGP: because he slept in my chairGG: oh believe me, TD and I share that level of comfortGP: anyway, i should probably go to bedGP: it is late and i have to make people their stimulants to get them through their day in the morningGP: let me know if you figure out why ray's so obsessed with something that's not Halo or that dumb webcomic he keeps talking aboutGG: oh man well i will tell him you send all your kisses to himGG: and you ought to give that comic a chance actuallyGG: MM got me to read it finallyGG: it's actually not too badGP: man who even wants to read terrible comics made in mspaintGG: i was surprisedGG: yeah, i knowGG: i thought it'd be p awfulGG: but it's actually pretty funGG: and fun's cool and stuff?? GP: but bro namath, a comic based on fan commands sounds awfulGG: yeah in princicle i have got to be int he agreeing with you on thatGG: who knows what kind of ridiculous ###### could sneak inGG: like fizzing on toys or somethingGP: man i don't evenGG: or making a visual reference to some hit single fromt he 80sGG: yeeshGG: plus there's the danger of getting so metaGG: you never want to be meta in a comicGP: god i hate it when comic authors get metaGP: they think they're so cuteGP: "wink nod what fourth wall"GG: especially when it's a bunch of mary-sure inserts being metaGG: the bloodyw orst, manGP: the fourth-wall is almost essential to proper storytellingGP: breaking the fourth-wall better have some super important literary meaningGP: it needs to stand for something when it doesn't standGG: rightGG: like when Fabian says "if this were a play upon a stage, I would condemn it as an improbable fiction!" GG: the line functions wholly within the narrative but also makes a subtle and knowing wink to the audienceGG: that's how you're meta with class and subtletyGG: i'm going to believe Lady Shakespeare wrote that lineGP: Or the whole "All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players"GG: right! GP: speaking of which, since we all have our exits and entrancesGP: i need to exit stage right to bedGG: are you sure this wasn't your debut? GP: broseph gordon-levitt, i don't need a debut yet, i don't think my cue has been calledGG: haha, well, until then, GG: stay sexy, my friendGP: i willGP: sleep well brosephine humphreysGG: you too, bro and arrowGP: hehe <3graphicalPerfectionist signed off at 1:25 EST

GG: wait, hang on a secondGG: it's not even 1:30. Isn't it like only like 10:30 where you are? GG: what do you mean, "you need to go to bed"?graphicalPerfectionist is offlineGG: eh whatever

[ANDREW]: Enter HOUSEMATE'S room

Of course. You reach for the doorknob and -

DUDE, what are you thinking?! No no no. The point right now is to AVOID that guy.

[ANDREW]: Smash the key bowl on the floor

Well, all right. You take a swing at the key bowl and send your keys, the bowl, and the table crashing to the floor.

Man, why did you even do that anyway. That's not exactly the sort of thing you do ever. Either you're way too stressed out about your HOUSEMATE, or the author has a poor grip of your character.

[ANDREW]: Ride the tiny tank

There we go, that's significantly more whimsical. Under your direction, the vehicle of war becomes the PEACEMOBILE, firing blasts of PEACE, LOVE, and BEATLES throughout the hallway.

[ANDREW]: Willy-nilly about with that Nerf gun

All right well you're not much of a gun guy but -

OH GOD MAKE IT STOP

[ANDREW]: Captchalogue Nerf gun

I NEED A FIX 'CAUSE I'M GOING DOWN

DOWN TO THE BITS THAT I LEFT UPTOWN

I NEED A FIX 'CAUSE I'M GOING DOWN...

...

HAPPINESSSSSSSS IS A WAAARM GUN (BANG BANG, SHOOT SHOOT!)

Man that song gives you chills every time. Definitely one of the best tracks on the white album, possibly the finest eclectic mess in all of musical history. You were lucky enough to land a first-printing copy of that record, straight from 1967. Also a good album to get frisky to, strangely. Must be all the experimentation.

[ANDREW]: Something something BE PRINCESS GR.

No, no no. Now is NOT the time to BE PRINCESS GR. You don't even have the accoutrements, let alone the impetus. NOT NOW.

[ANDREW]: Kick down the door to the next room you want to enter

Yeah, sure, why not.

::::

Problem is, there wasn't a door between the hallway and living room. It just leads straight in.

You find yourself in your LIVING ROOM. The furnishings are a touch sparse and threadbare: some old chairs and tables you found on a street corner; a television set and video game box thinger of your housemate's, and so on. Neither of you is on the especially AFFLUENT side of things, so everything you guys own tends to be secondhand. The fact that you've got such a spacious apartment is only because of an under-the-table deal of questionable legality and questionable morality that you two worked out with the landlord.

Life in the city is fast, kids.

[ANDREW]: Play Atari thinger

Okay uh let's see the joystick controls the box thingie and the button fires the...wait...that's...okay way can i back up...um...oh...is that it? Did I get points?

Okay yeah this is entirely futile.

[ANDREW]: Read the large red book on the table in one sitting

Ah, the NORTON SHAKESPEARE, you mean, arguably the finest collection of the Bard's complete works? You've already read it all multiple times. This is certainly more your speed - far easier to handle than the electronic thinga-ma-bob.

Ohhhhh yes. Oh yes. Diana Ross...Florence Ballard...Mary Wilson...has there every been a finer union of voices? Never before and never since has any music had production values as high as the MOTOWN label, and the SUPREMES were one of their crown jewels. Ross' calm, glistening vocals soar into your hear with Ballard and WIlson's harmonies and some of the most accomplished, pristine music of the twentieth century serving as the foundation. It is nothing short of stunning music performed by three stunningly gorgeous women. Be still, heart; be still. If the concept of beauty were distilled into auditory form, it would be indistinguishable from the Supremes' music.

The glamorous, feminine beauty of the Ross, Ballard, and Wilson also made an important statement at a time when institutional racism meant labels and audiences alike imposed an image of black performers as "unrefined." The Supremes pointedly refused to cow-tow to this bigoted stereotype and broke barriers with their regal grace, boldly making a statement that should have been common sense: everyone deserves to act and appear however she or he wants, regardless of race (or creed). We still have a long way to go as a society, but the Supremes show that people can use their music and art to bring positive change in this world. And that's beautiful.

And speaking of beautiful, have you stressed enough how beautiful they are? Oh Diana Ross. Oh, oh. Take me in your arms, baby love. Whenever you're near me, I hear a symphony.

Yeah, actually, that's probably not BZ appropriate. And it's personal. You slip is back behind the chair.

[ANDREW]: Do something that actually advances your plot.

Geez, someone's cranky! Fine, you'll just proceed to the kitchen and not do ANY EXPLORING there. No phantasmal commands, just PURE PLOT. YEAH. The conceit of this whole exercise was DUMB anyway!!

The bounty you seek lies on the counter. You draw a sharp breath. Extant is the moment where turning back is rendered impossible. Seize this quarry and you won't be able to ######## your way out of participating in this tomfoolery.

[ANDREW]: Indulge in a momentary distraction

A scent lingers in the kitchen, the heady aroma of heated oil and crisped potatoes. Your interest piqued, you turn to investigate the source. The fryer, still warm, sits cooling slowly, filled with oil. You can tell it's been recently used.

[ANDREW]: Examine kitchen table

A bowl sits neglected, the spectre of sprinkled salt hanging in the conditioned air above it. A note confirms your olfactory observation: your housemate has been here very recently, and has cooked a batch of fries for himself.

It has become something of a discontented tradition in the household to make french fries, following an incident months upon months before. You'd made a bowl of fries for yourself and left the room momentarily, only to find the bowl emptied upon your return. Your lying cur of a housemate claimed to have not eaten them, but no-one else was in the residence at the time. Since the incident, every time you've made fries, they've vanished the instant you turned your back - always with only one plausible culprit.

But the plot has thickened as the months have worn. Bizarrely, your housemate has begun accusing YOU of stealing HIS fries as well, staging strange settings such as this. An empty bowl, a missing batch of fries, an accusation of you being the one to eat them - when you know quite factually that you did not. Is he making fries, eating them, and then accusing you of doing so as some sort of complex mind game? You wouldn't put it past him. But the whole situation is approaching its breaking point.

An anxiety attack? What? Why ever would you do that? I mean, it's not like lightning just struck a tree TWENTY FEET AWAY FROM YOU or something! It's not like there's now a blaze threatening your home for the second time today or anything! No! perfectly good here!Predictably your high levels of anxiety release your smart phone from that increasingly ridiculous inventory system you call a Sylladex. You quickly note that your initial fear you experienced during the strike also managed to lock the game inside a Captchalogue card, only to be released when once again you can experience the joys of nearly soiling your own pants in terror. Thank goodness we noted that so everybody could be clear about what happened.You should probably try calling the fire department before your entire house has burned down.[Ray]::::Unfortunately, someone starts bothering you the very second you try to call the local emergency services. And a good thing to, or you might have done something silly like responsibly responsd to what is clearly a dire situation.

Spoiler

InebriatedDictator (ID) began aggravating IrritableRevenant (IR) at 12:28 CST ID: Hey.IR: 911IR: Ugh dang I meant to call that. You kind of popped up as I was typing it.IR: I'll get back to you in a bit. Kind of an emergency.ID: Don't.ID: Do not call them.IR: Um....Why?ID: They can not help you.ID: There is only one way to stop the fire now.IR: Right right, of course, how stupid of me! I just need to summon the magic rain fairies that will bring with them the great torrents of sky water that flow from the beards of a thousand atmowizards onto our humble mortal shoulders.IR: We are so blessed for their gift, and unto them I say an offering.IR: I am offering up my absolute defiance of this idiotic idea of not calling the fire department.ID: Shut up.IR: Bossman, what's with the attitude?ID: I.ID: Sorry.ID: It has been a rough few days.ID: And I'm running low on intoxicants.ID: Look man I can not talk about it too much.ID: Just...trust me. Ok?IR: Hold on.IR: I never told you there was a fire.IR: Annnnnd I'm officially creeped out. IR: I always knew you were working for the man but I didn't know you had spy satellites trained on me. I'll bet your thumb is just hovering over the "fire missile" button.ID: Oh god I have such a headache.ID: There are no satellites. I know there is a fire the same way I know what you need to do to save yourself, and to save your home. ID: What you must do is take that game, put it in your computer and play it with Andrew.ID: Yes. It is stupid. Just.ID: Trust me.ID: Also, it is an order.ID: Do not make me fire the missile.

[Ray]::::You're really not sure what to think now. On one hand, you can't think of a stupider thing to do than try and play a game while a fire rages. On the other hand, he is your friend, and for all his faults he has never steered you wrong. Maybe he knows something you don't.This game has been surrounded in mystery. No press, no screenshots, just whispered rumors on forums not to be mentioned, and then the mysterious invitation from the boss on the behalf of Lego themselves. But why you? Why any of you? You're still way outside of the demographic of eight to ten year old boys who would be buying this stuff, no matter how childish you try to act. Perhaps...perhaps it will give you a way to solve this.Or perhaps it will provide a wonderful distraction as you burn to death.[???]::::Suddenly, you find yourself through the looking glass. You are now a mysterious individual, doing mysterious things with mysterious motives.Before you lies eight screens. Eight screens, eight players, and eight chances to screw this up.By the looks of it, thanks to these numbskulls you are going to be about as successful as a snowball on a summer day.God you need a drink.[???]: Reveal yourself!You attempt to reveal yourself only to be whisked away to yet another deeply shadowed room containing a strange computer screen, a silhouetted individual and some mysterious motivation and loyalties! You're starting to get a little burned out on mysterious figures sitting in rooms in front of strange computer screens. I mean what is this, the third one in a row? We get it, you're teasing important characters, get over it already! You can't just string a story along like this with teaser after teaser without actually giving some solid content out once and awhile too!After all, you're quite the storyteller. In fact, you could say it's your job to tell stories. Not just any stories though - the best kind of stories, visual ones! If there's someone who better understands how to write a comic you'll eat your hat. In fact, you are working on a new series of comics right now that you just know everyone will love. It's a shame you're so busy, because if you were in charge of certain other comics you might be able to salvage a usable story from that burning heap of wreckage. Not that you're naming names, you're just saying. Oh well. Back to work!

Excuse me? You are no mooch! You've just a crippling addiction to salted potatoes. It's a real problem! You're pretty insalted, and in any case you're way too busy making comics to be in one. You're just gonna have to stay mysterious for now!

[???x2]: X2 PSYCHE OUT COMBOAnother new character, this is starting to be quite arduous. Who could this suave gentleman be?

[???x2]: Reveal Name Post-Haste!This.... this simply will not do.

[???x2]::::

[Brian]::::Your name is BRIAN LAWSON. You love MYSTERIES and SECRETS, particularly ones you are neck-deep in unravelling. As referenced earlier, you are a member of the BETTER ROYAL CANADIAN ORDER OF SUAVE GENTLEMEN; an organization of totally real people and not something you just made up to look cool to your many Southern friends. Solicitations for your friendship are numerous in quantity.When you were young, like a true gentleman, you put all of your points into your HEIGHT and INTELLIGENCE attributes. It is a PAGE taken right out of your favourite story, PROBLEM SOOTH. At your current level of SKEPTIC EXTRAORDINAIRE, your bars are maxed to the nines. You are pretty sure this will bear no ill will to any future events. A gentleman like you has no need for costly imagination.You share a kinship with your friends over a certain PLASTIC BRICK CONGLOMERATION. While your friends still play with their Bionic Mans, you have adhered to the much more conventional brick style. You have so many houses and cars and square-chested robodroids at your disposal! You get along fine with your friends though, even if this is a HUGE THING within the fan community and entirely silly to EVERYONE ELSE. You pay these zealots no MIND.[Brian]: Inspect Room.One could surmise that sound equipment is one of your many interests since your floor and furniture is littered with chips and cords of all sizes. This is something that one of your friends absolutely loves, and another absolutely hates. It is the source of a great rivalry. By the layout of your items, one could also guess that you are a really messy person, but they misunderstand your order of chaos. You know where everything is at all times.In tune with that interest, you also have a large assortment of movies and music, as well as books on movies and music. You don't plaster your walls with movie posters because they are already on the cases of your favourite flicks, and because that would be tacky. The act of putting posters all over your wall has always confused you.[Brian]: Inspect Teddy BearsYou are quite positive there has never been a teddy bear in your room, and never will be. Frankly, the notion strikes you as childish and silly.However, you love knives and playing with knives, like any good Canadian. You are an avid fan of hunting even though you have never actually caught anything. It definitely has nothing to do with the way you scamper through the woods in your back yard noisily with tiny blades against large local fauna faster than you.[Brian]: Resist Urge to Jump in the Knife PileJump in the knife pile? That sounds like it would be ungentlemanly and quite dangerous.You should have no difficulty wait what are you doing?[Brian]::::YEEEEOOOOOWWWurnnngh?

[Brian]: Wonder Why the Carpet in Your Room is WhiteYou cannot wonder why your carpet is white for a few reasons. Item the first, you already discovered the secret behind your accomodation's flooring many years ago! Item the second, your floor is not carpet. It is actually some manner of ceramic or hard monomer. Quite easy to clean, and electrically inert! Fitting for an electrical wizard such as yourself. Your floor has always been this way, ever since you discovered it in infancy.[Brian]: Be Too Sexy For Your ShirtIt -is- pretty warm in here. Perhaps you have some apparel more suited for your current environment. Luckily, your CLOTHESET is at the ready for such an occasion![Brian]: Open ClothesetAll right, let's take a look at this thing.[Brian]::::Everything is arranged by clothing type. Items that are listed at the top show you what you are wearing. They are also faded out in the lower inventory panel. You can wear and change into any items listed except for any grayed out ones. Grayed out items are universally understood UI convention for nonaccessability. You have not unlocked these outfits, and you are entirely unsure how to do that yet![Brian]: Wear HatIt's a pretty sweet hat, but you currently aren't solving any mysteries! You leave the hat where it is.[Brian]::::No sense changing out of one identical outfit into another. You step out of the clotheset.

[Brian]: Recall Previous InvestigationsYou happily recall your many cases in perfect detail. Too bad your terrible imagination is awful at rendering your near-perfect memory.[Brian]: Recall How You Stole Andrew's PRIZED FEDORA and Re-Purposed it as Your SLEUTHING HAT. Balderdash! You've been wearing this fabulous hat since you've had the investigrit to do so! As a matter of fact, you keep a photo documenting such truths in a very, very safe place.[Brian]: Retrieve photo from very, very safe placeThis is a great idea, considering you only JUST broke your safe place moments prior![Brian]::::Look at this guy. That is such his hat if ever there was one. To imply that this hat belonged to both you and your best bud at the same time would require some manner of time shenanigans to be involved. How preposterous![Brian]: Pester SomeoneWhat were you doing again? Oh right, mysteries! It never hurts to get some outside perspective on puzzles like these. And you know just the dame. She is all over puzzles like you on a case.[Brian]::::Oh for Pete's sake, your computer isn't working either. This is a real pickle you've stumbled upon. What could be affecting all of your electronics?[Brian]: Crawl Under DeskYou crouch down to have a look-see. It then dawns on you why nothing is working. Nothing is plugged in because there isn't even a plug on the wall to use! Why would you even put your computer here in the first place?[Brian]: Inspect Sweet EquipmentOh what, this ginormous 80in LED High Definition Smart TV with full 5.1 surround sound and full WIFI capabilities? Yeah, you suppose that is pretty sweet. You have all this jazz plugged into a weird green hub you found a while ago in this very room. It is more than accommodating for the ridiculous power draw you can only imagine this nifty set-up requires.

[Brian]: Attempt to Lift Your TV Above Your Head for no Apparent Reason.You attempt and fail. That sucker's just too heavy for you to lift. You would require the help of someone with brutish strength to to that.[Brian]: Try to Turn on the Television. The television is already on! You have this hooked up to your computer via a wifi connection. It currently refuses to play anything other than this grey screen of inactivity. You know, for a guy who's a super-whiz at technology, you have a lot of useless electronics.[Brian]: Fondly Regard Green Picture on WallYou ogle disconcertingly at your hero. You plan to one day finally reach the end of his harrowing deeds.[Brian]: Equip Your Weapon SlotGotta be careful with this. Sometimes things just get...[Brian]::::Calamity![Brian]: Equip All Your KnivesNah, you've learned your lesson. You simply can't hold all these bears.[Brian]::::The mystery deepens...[BRAIN]:::: Now if only wait what?[BRAIN]:::: Why it's your good friend, Brain! He's sort of a help function of your TV you guess? Looks like he's trying to tell you something![BRAIN]: A Good Detective Always Knows the Case Inside and Out.Good idea, Brain! If it's one thing detectives are good at, it's stumbling hazardously into situations they are not familiar with to solve the case! It almost always works![Brian]::::Here goes...[Brian]::::Uh...[Brian]::::Well, then.[Brian]::::No. Just no. You have never been much of a gaming completionist, and you're not going to start now.

[Brian]: Insert your Teddy Bear Into Electric Outlet.This room doesn't have outlets, remember? You carve one in the wall out of frustration instead.[Brian]: Lament the Absence of a Place to Plug the Power Strip. Nobody knows the troubles you've seen. Nobody.[BRIAN]: Assist BrianWhat's got this little guy excited?[Brain]::::Of course! You forgot how useful that hub is, even if you know next to nothing about it! If there's a better idea than playing with electricity in quantities you can't even comprehend, you don't even want to hear it.[Brain]: Plug Power Strip into HubYou trade your notebook for the cord in your inventory. This Modus has its finicky moments. If you did not already know its intricacies, you imagine the task of simply using the cord would have been long and arduous and most silly indeed![Brian]::::Yeah, you kinda figured that would be the next step. You grumble something rude about brain science.[Brain]: Plug Computer into Strip to Complete the CircuitStep OFF, homes, you got this![Brain]: Turn on Your Computer to UseSorry buddy, but you're not about to play this on easy mode. You have neither the time nor the patience attributes.[Brian]::::[Brian]: Turn Off BrainArrivederci, Cerebellum.[Brian]::::The system boots up. You hear the triumphant chime of success boom over your loudspeakers. The grey screen of inactivity has been defeated!