College ladies, you know how sometimes you fill your birth control prescriptions at your student health center? Well, turns out you're taking up space that should be reserved for people with more important problems. Allow a fellow student to mansplain it to you.

Writing in the East Carolinian, the student newspaper of East Carolina University, Ben Cochran lays out his predicament: "I'm sitting in the Student Health Center the other day, sneezing my eyes out and coughing up green oysters, wondering what in the name of great Zeus's beard is taking so long. I'm just trying to get seen and have this mucus-extricated from my hacking body." Poor guy! So what's standing between him and treatment? Chicks, man:

Half an hour later, I finally see some movement stirring from across the waiting room. A nurse exits with about half a dozen girls. In their hands, they carried what seemed like a solid 36-month's worth of birth control.

First of all, not even porn stars need that much birth control. Second of all, do you mean to seriously tell me that I've been sitting here in misery for the last half an hour just so this gaggle of girls can get a regulated period and avoid babies?

His recommendation for remedying this injustice: "Go read your Redbook in the lobby of a specialist as you wait to get your lady-bits inspected. Leave Student Health for those of us that are in actual need of medical attention."

First, I'd like to point out to Mr. Cochran that women who have many sexual partners (i.e. porn stars) don't actually need more birth control pills than women who have just one. You take one pill a day no matter how many people you're boning — it's kind of a neat thing about the Pill. Second, I'd like to thank him, for introducing me to a form of misogyny I never even knew existed. I did not know that guys were mad at chicks for clogging up doctor's offices with their slutty ladyparts, but now I do, and my faith in the human race has decreased proportionally. Third, I can tell him why thoughtless women are going to his student health service rather than to the "plenty of places to fill prescriptions" that the college town of Greenville offers: convenience and cost.

Being able to get your pills on campus presumably means ECU women can get to their classes, dorms, and dining halls more easily, which Cochran, with his interest in timeliness, should appreciate. It also means they're less likely to miss a dose and get pregnant. Also, a mere few minutes of research will turn up ECU's student insurance policy, which charges a $10 copay for prescriptions filled at the Student Health Center and a $20-$100 copay for those filled at other participating pharmacies. Given the apparently massive amounts of birth control the women in question were receiving, that's a big difference in cost.

However, Cochran may not find these arguments convincing — especially since an unedited version of his article turns out to be even more, um, colorful than what appeared in the paper. North Carolina blogger Rebekah Todd has the unexpurgated text, which concludes thus:

I don't take issue with sex mongers. They serve their place. Hell, according to the bible, it's the oldest known profession on earth. So you sultry sex fiends are clearly established, but this is a place of higher being. Please take your gaping holes elsewhere for medical services, and leave the real health issues to those that actually belong on a college campus.

Opinion Editor Kelly Nurge contacted us to let us know that "the unedited version was unacceptable and the author, Ben Cochran, was alerted to this." She added that "neither the unpublished nor the published are a reflection of my views, the Editor-In-Chief's views, The East Carolinian's views, or even the university." Nurge also asked that we not post the unedited version, apparently under the impression that it had been leaked exclusively to us. Unfortunately for Cochran, his views were already online for all to see.