I don't drink. You know this. You don't know why. Or maybe you do. Hell, I'm not sure I do - I can give some complicated reasons about it not interesting me, about self-control, about always being the person who has to drive anyway. But at parties, at the frats? That's no fun. No, it's much easier to make a brief quip, and try not to crack a smile through the lie. Some of them shut people up, some of them make people smile, some of them piss people off. I enjoy them all. So without further ado, the first 15 reasons why I don't drink:

1) I'm Muslim.
2) My Dad/Mom's an alcoholic.
3) It doesn't mix well with my anti-psychotics.
4) I gave a kidney to my brother after he had a car accident, so now my body can't process alcohol properly.
5) My liver got damaged in the war. Yeah, Vietnam.
6) I think it's Lent all year round. (Thanks Allison)
7) I'm straight-edge; Except for all that sex.
8) The women demand that I be able to perform sexually at all times.
9) I really, really like being probed about why I don't drink.
10) I only don't drink on days that end in 'Y'.
11) Can't you see I'm pregnant? Jesus, what's your problem?
12) I really like free soda.
13) I really like wearing plastic wristbands.
14) I'm diabetic.
15) It's so much easier to be a sexual predator on unsuspecting drunk freshman when you're sober.

Update (3/20/07):Times change, and people who once did not drink now do. This list did gain another eight reasons fifteen months later. Even though I now consume alcohol in moderation, the list still amuses me.

16) I got these X's tattooed on, and now no one will serve me.
17) I don't like the idea of drinking something that you can use to disinfect wounds (Brian)
18) I'm working on becoming a Mormon - Bigamy sounds so cool. (Ana)
19) The last time I was drunk, I hit a nun with my car. (Alex)
20) No, really, I really like being grilled on this. It's a conversation piece, if you will.
21) I want you to hate me, because I'm different.
22) God has forbidden me to drink. He says it's cool if you guys do, though.
23) I don't want to be that guy who takes a crap in the shower.