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B.I.T.D.S YOU'VE BEEN GIVEN A WRONG ANSWER! I'm also a happily married bisexual woman and it's hard to come out but necessary. You can be an out bisexual without breaking your marriage vows, in fact many bi women enjoy sharing this side of themselves with their partners. Guess what, your husband might just love this news if you deliver it while acknowledging how much you love him and your life! Many partners of bisexual people are quite proud that OUT OF ALL the people in the world, their love CHOOSE them. Consider yourself lucky to be dating or facing the uncertainty of the single life! Visit www.facebook.com/groups/binetusa to find more people just like yourself happyand free. Other bisexual folks will have a wealth of information on how to come out and keep your marriage alive AND THRIVING!

First of all, thanks Abby for recognising that BitDS's sexuality is a real and valid thing, and not something false or bad. It's depressing that this is unusual and noteworthy, but still, it's worthy of thanks.

That said, I don't feel that your advice was sound, and in response I will share a story. I founded a discussion and support group for bisexual six years ago, and I am still the facilitator. A few years ago, a woman in her late 40s came for the first time, talking about how she was happily married and monogamous, but for some reason she felt she just had to be open about her bisexuality, and she wasn't sure how to do it.

This woman's husband was loving and supportive, but very puzzled. He couldn't understand why it was an issue; his reasoning was that, since they were married and had no plans to either split up or have an open relationship, why did it matter?

Everything has now changed. His wife has blossomed within our group, and now runs a group of her own in her outer suburban neighbourhood. Her husband was so impressed with how happy it made her, that he started coming along to the discussion group himself, and is now a dear friend of mine.

Never underestimate just how powerful a thing being true to yourself can be. It doesn't matter that this woman had no plans to start a relationship with a woman; what mattered was being honest with herself and honest with her friends and family. She has transformed in the most wonderful and beautiful way, and both she and her lovely husband are happier as a result. Both of them even marched alongside our group at out city's annual Pride March.

So thanks for running this letter and being compassionate toward BitDS, but in future please remember how suffocating it can be to deny who you are, and liberating it can be to be open and honest about it.

I think this comment was amazing....very good points. I don't feel keeping secrets is the way to go either. If someone loves you (the husband and family in this case) they should love ALL OF YOU. Not just the parts that they feel are "acceptable". Who would want to hide who exactly they are??

There is a difference between hiding who you exactly are and using a little common sense in divulging the details. None of us would be served well in knowing the exact details of our spouse's historical sex lives or knowing to whom, and to what extent, our spouse has been hot for others during our marriage to them. Lack of discretion in divulging those things, especially if you care about the person and wish to remain married to them, can only cause a lot of unnecessary pain. I disagree that being discreet in these matters is tantamount to "denying who you are." That is just ridiculous.

Where is it written that one must publicize, then act upon, one's every sexual turn-on, no matter how much it costs others (like, you know, that pesky unsuspecting person to whom you vowed sexual fidelity for life, who, on the strength of your promise, gave up his whole single life for you, which likely included hitting on as many attractive other women as he could)? Being "true to yourself" doesn't include airing every private thought or desire. If it did, then a great proportion of married men would be openly drooling after, and hitting on, barely pubescent blond schoolgirls. If BitDS thinks she is bisexual, then that means she is also sexually attracted to men, which would include her husband. Unless she feels she must have sexual contact with others outside her marriage to be "true" to herself, what is to be gained in airing her private feelings (versus how much damage such a revelation might cause)?

Dear BIDTS. I was sad to read Abby's response to you; she is usually very right-on in terms of bi issues, but she fell prey to a biphobic myth on this one. The above commenters are right; a person needs to be true to themselves, and can do that while still being monogamous. A straight man can desire blondes and redheads, and be married to a mousy brunette, and stay faithful to her by using self-control; we bisexuals are the same. I am a bi activist, and know tons of bisexuals in long-term, monogamous, happy marriages to straight or gay people. There is research going back to 1985 corroborating that Mixed-Orientation Marriages work.

However, since you live in the Deep South, I would be careful about coming out. Up here in the Northeast, no one really cares that much any more, but it might be a great deal more difficult for you. There is a huge bisexual community online that you can connect to. I would suggest making an account with not your real name, and connecting, as was suggested, to BiNET USA, the BiNET USA Yahoo group, Bisexual Resource Center, and the Bisexual Support Group on Facebook. Then just drop something casual in conversation about bisexuality, like "Hey, did you hear that a bisexual (Kyrsten Sinema) got elected to Congress?" See how your husband and friends react. If they think it's a good thing, those people are safe to disclose to. If they don't think it's a big deal, probably also safe. If they start to preach to you on how she is going to Hell, well, I would not disclose to those people.

Finally, even in the Deep South, there ARE actual physical bisexual support groups. There is nothing like sitting in a room full of other bisexuals. Some of them are listed on the BiNET USA site; some on the Facebook Bisexual Support Group page, and you can ask on the BiNET USA Yahoo group, if you join it. The Yahoo group is very private; you can set it so you just go there and don't get emails. Good luck!