Saturday, February 04, 2012

my icies

It's sometimes hard to convince myself that A can hang on his own, awake, and be well. Well as in not bored not being stimulated, not somehow being made smarter by interacting with toys and me. But I can also tell it's good for him to chat with his own hands on a pillow in the sun - simple, quiet, reflective. Some baby zen. I'm watching him do that now... His little fists starting to rub at his eyes... he'll nap soon. I'm comforted by his ability to self-soothe, to sleep on his own accord. And these minutes I'm stealing for myself feel vindicated (this time).

We haven't been out in awhile. There is a thick sheet of ice at the bottom of the porch steps, all the way to the driveway. It's too close to the house to dump ashes on, but maybe I can find an old ashes-hole (that sounds funnily so much like another word) in the field and spread some of those. The general iciness of the world right now is a little scary to hold a baby in. Sometimes I think about what it would be like to be mothering back in Toronto - I could simply walk places, on well-travelled sidewalks, and see friends, and go to a cafe, and sit in the world. It would be easier to do that. I'm more isolated here, on the farm, tho it's only cos I choose to let that icy path stop me...

We were quite the pair last week while D was away. He was helping paint his parents' Owen Sound house in preparation for selling it (!). There's a beautiful house here we're hoping they can move into. Will be nice to have them closer, for both them and us, and of course Archie. Anyway, it was just me and babe for several days. It was exhausting to not have a break, but also I felt something special I hadn't tapped into so vivdly before - a very clear, calm feeling in my body. Whole, clean, focused, well. Those awesome breastfeeding hormones most likely, but also maybe motherhood.