You Can’t Always Get What You Want How to manage your kids’ wants vs. needs

You Can’t Always Get What You Want How to manage your kids’ wants vs. needs

All of my girls are back in school, and though I absolutely adored having them around all summer, I secretly relish those few hours every day when I have the house to myself again. September, for parents, is kind of luxurious in that way, isn’t it?

Of course, the kids are all home by 3:30 p.m., eager to tell me about their days. I love getting the recess report from Fiona and the who-got-in-trouble report from Lola.

Sometimes, I also hear about all their friends’ great clothes, gadgets and toys. When they see what their pals have procured, they suddenly develop new wants. Well, I call them wants. My kids call them neeeeeds—always with multiple e’s. Sometimes, it’s hard to make the call on whether it’s a want or a need. I don’t want my children to ever be so focused on keeping up with their peers that they base their self-worth on what they own rather than who they are.

But, of course, it’s hard to always be the deliverer of no’s. Sometimes, I do bend, and here are the circumstances under which I might.

They’ve passed the two-week test: Kids’ whims change so quickly that when they think their need for something is dire (for example, they’ll die without those shoes or that skateboard or that new music player), I’ll hear them out, and then just kind of put a pin in it. Let it sit for a while; put it on hold. I’ve found that more often than not, they forget about it or change their minds altogether before that time passes. And if they’re persistent like my Lola, we can talk more about it.

If they “chip in”: If it’s something reasonable that my kids want, and they’re willing to work for it, I’m usually willing to meet them halfway. Asking them to chip in their own money, even if only symbolically, helps them understand the value of things. And I find that when they use their own “hard-earned” cash, they really appreciate things more, and sometimes even decide that it’s not the best use of that birthday money Gramma gave them.

They can explain why they want it: If they can make a case for themselves on why they need a particular item, I’m always willing to listen. However, they know their case shouldn’t be built on the phrase “Because so-and-so has one.” That just doesn’t fly with me. And given those parameters, let me tell you, I’ve heard some very inventive rationalizations. So if nothing else, I figure I’m teaching them to think creatively, to be persuasive and above all, to look inside themselves and examine the true worth of things.