El Taco de Oro: Fooled Again by the Suckiness of Alviso (Also, World’s Worst Bulletproof Device)

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El Taco de Oro: Fooled Again by the Suckiness of Alviso (Also, World’s Worst Bulletproof Device)

Alviso, I feel like the Tina to your Ike and I just keep coming back and then you bitchslap me with your suckiness once more. I really want to like you – your sultry historicalness, your quirky location bedroom eyes, that tight marsh ass – but then I eat your food and it’s two star quality all over again.

I thought eating in Alviso would be a good call this time (despite my best previous best meal in Alviso being the so-so at best, Maria Elena’s). After all, the El Taco de Oro taco truck had the highest rating on Yelp of any restaurant in the ENTIRE SOUTH BAY. In fact, the El Taco de Oro taco truck was so successful they’d taken over the restaurant next door. I’d been to that location a year ago when it was Andiamo’s and it was the suck. I should have known the location had the sucky food curse…

I got two tacos at El Taco de Oro – they’re $1.25 for a regular taco, $1.99 for a super taco (with guac, sour cream, tomatoes, lettuce and cheese). This was the SADDEST guacamole I’ve ever seen. It’s offensive to other guacamole to even call this stuff guacamole. It was more like a vinaigrette than guacamole.

Despite the salad dressing-esque guac, the super taco was still better than the regular just for the addition of tomatoes. I got one pollo asado taco and one carnitas. The pollo asado consisted of seasoned chicken, but the seasoning didn’t taste good. The carnitas were a little better. The whole time I was there I kept wishing I was at Super Taqueria instead which I’d visited the previous week. I couldn’t believe I ordered tacos at a place renowned for its taco truck, and their tacos suck donkey balls.

The tacos are served in the traditional soft taco way with two tacos underneath a pile of meat that you fold up yourself. I distributed my meat to make four tacos. At the time I thought, “At least lunch is only $3.25 before tip and tax. At least it’s a total bargain.” But then I realized that I was still hungry (so bargain no longer) and I didn’t want any more of their sub-par tacos.

I debated on ordering anything else because other than seeing the server to order and to get my food she was AWOL. Thankfully another friendlier server came by so I ordered their basic cheese quesadilla ($3.50). So then my meal came to $8.50 after tip and tax for sub-par food. Oh wait, I’m jumping ahead because I haven’t described the quesadilla yet. (Spoiler alert: it’s sub-par.) It was definitely better than the tacos at least. It was still below average for a quesadilla though and was dribbled with more of the guacamole vinaigrette.

The whole time I was seated in the back room which is nice and sunny. However, it’s also Siberia in terms of getting any servers to come check on you after 1 p.m. since you’re not visible from the main restaurant. Even with the friendlier server I still gave up on getting my check and went ahead to the register to pay.

Oh yeah, for some reason there’s a big plastic shield that curves around the whole register counter. There’s a rectangle cut out of it at the place where you give them money. It’s like the WORLD’S WORST BULLETPROOF DEVICE. You know how when you go to some post offices or fast food restaurants in the hood sometimes there’s that thick plastic barrier and contraption to receive money so that at no time someone can hold up the employees with a gat? At El Taco de Oro they just used some thin bendable plastic and forgot that someone with a gun could just put it through the rectangular cut-out or point it at the employees from above the plastic shield, since the plastic shield lacked a plastic ceiling.

Next time I start talking about visiting a restaurant in Alviso again, please stop me. Friends don’t let friends eat in Alviso.