True Health, Balance, and

Self-Remembrance

a spiritual memoir

Meditation

I spent years ritualistically forcing myself to sit with my legs crossed, in a quiet and dark room, meditating every morning and night. Sometimes my tics were so bad that it looked like I was a psychopathic masochist sitting in the chair and torturing myself with involuntarily body movements, as I tried to meditate. I was always told by meditation teachers that just the discipline alone of being willing to sit there and “try to meditate” was sufficient, and would free me one day. I won’t ever believe in that nonsense again!Also, my mind would often play the role of a spiritual dictator and portray itself as God telling me that I must meditate if I want relief from my tortuous symptoms. In reality, the forceful act of me trying to meditate just amplified the self-torture. Later I realized that it isn’t “not meditating” that is the problem; its believing in the thought that says not meditating is a problem or the thought that says we need to meditate longer. When I believed in those thoughts and didn´t meditate more, my mind would beat me up for not trying hard enough. This is a subtle trap that I‘ve seen many fall into.

To be even more precise, when this form and play of absurd thinking is looked at more deeply, it's actually not our thoughts that are the real problem. It is the subtle identity-- the image of who we take ourselves to be, which believes in these thoughts. This has to be understood and really looked at, because this is the real core of our incognito, egoic identity. Our thoughts are talking to something, and we mistakenly take this something that they are talking to, to be our real self. If we can really be quiet and aware, we will discover that not only are our thoughts being witnessed, but the reaction to our thoughts is being observed. It’s subtle though. Who is this “me” that is talking, and who is this one that it is talking to? Who or what is this “me” that believes in these nonsensical thoughts that are constantly changing and causing the body-mind to experience incessant pain and anxiety? Investigate this, but not mentally; just feel and sense your way into these questions. Is it pure Consciousness that is talking? Or is it just the mental imagery of a limited and falsified me that is chattering away. Contemplating these questions will silence the mind because they direct our consciousness beyond the mind into a field of stillness, which is what the word meditation alludes to. Meditation isn´t concentration; it is alive emptiness.