"My boyfriend and I had been living together for a year until I moved out four months ago for graduate school. I have to admit, things have been rocky but for the most part we've been able to get past all of our obstacles of long-distance hardships and trust issues. Recently, I found out that he had downloaded apps on his phone (Tinder and HowAboutWe) sometime after I moved away. I assure you I didn't find out in a dishonorable way; it was purely an accident that I wish I could forget. I'm scared to argue over the phone about this so I investigated my leads and found his profile to be deactivated but that still doesn't necessarily demonstrate his intentions on those sites. I'll be seeing him in less than a week for the first time in months to celebrate our four-year anniversary, and I don't know what to do and how I should address it assuming I even mention it. I'm scared this might be the end of our perfect love."

Oof. It could not have been pleasant to find that. I should point out that our friends at HowAboutWe do have services for couples, not just singles…but I can't really explain away Tinder, so I think you're right to be concerned. That said, I don't necessarily think this spells certain doom for your relationship. Don't get me wrong: In your shoes, I would be upset, but I think it's possible you can get through this. Here's how I think you should do it…

First of all, I think you're right to not have this conversation over the phone. Since you're seeing each other so soon anyway, you might as well have this tense conversation in person, where you can read each other's body language and facial expressions. It sucks that it might mess with your anniversary, but I'm thinking you guys have a lot you should talk about face to face. I'd bring it up sooner rather than later into your visit (after hellos but before any fancy, romantic anniversary dinners, if possible). Tell him frankly but calmly how exactly you came across the information (be prepared for some defensiveness, even if you came across it honestly), and then say that while you aren't accusing him of anything, you'd really like to know his motivation for downloading apps for dating.

What I hope is that he'll tell you openly and honestly why he downloaded these apps and how far he went once he did. And what I really hope is that he either has a good explanation or that it didn't go any further than a moment of curiosity. Then, you can get to the heart of why he did it. (If it went further, well, that's a much bigger issue. Let's assume for now that didn't happen.)

It's hard to speculate since I don't know much of your background together, but I'm wondering if your guy was really all that comfortable with and supportive of your decision to move away to grad school? You admitted that things were rocky, so maybe when you left he was angry or unhappy or nervous about the future of your relationship. If so, he might have acted out by downloading these apps just to see what all the fuss is about. Hopefully, his inactive profiles mean he never took any action to actually use them. If he just looked, I think you can probably move past that temporary lapse in judgment, even though it's definitely hurtful and inappropriate. But I'm still concerned about your relationship status. Moving away after living together, even for a good reason like grad school, is a big change. I think that the dating apps are the surface problem you need to scratch, but then you'll need to dig deep to address your future together, how you'll handle the time apart, and how you'll communicate any problems that arise down the road.

Good luck, and please know that there really isn't such a thing as a "perfect love" anyway. But there should be honesty and trust, and I hope you guys can get back to a place where you have those things.

What do you guys think? How should she address the problem? Would you totally freak if you found out your guy had made a Tinder profile?

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