The Truth Should Withstand Scrutiny

I have read everyone of the stories on this site and there
is a quote
from one of your stories that really stands out in my mind,
"THE TRUTH
SHOULD WITHSTAND SCRUTINY." That quote, alone, really
inspired me to
learn the truth behind the LDS Church.

I was born in a small town in Utah. My mother was from a
very
dysfunctional family (Whose aren't these days?); in fact she
was living
with foster parents when she met my father. She had been
raised LDS, but
neither of her parents were ever active in the church. My
father was
raised in a strict LDS family, but somehow got away with not
going on a
mission. He met my mother and they were married soon after,
however not
in the temple. They were divorced about a year later. I was
the only
thing that came of their short-lived marriage.

I lived with my mother who was inactive so going to church
was never an
issue, especially after we moved to Nevada when I was five.
The only
time I went to church was with my grandparents who lived in
Utah, so I
never had to go except when visiting them. However, it
would just so
happen that our neighbors were Mormon and they had a
daughter my age, so
back I went. They were very religious and made it their duty
to bring me
back into the church. They arranged for me to have the
missionary
lessons and took me to church with them every Sunday. They
were upset
when they found out that I was going to be baptized by my
grandfather in
Utah rather than by one of the missionaries, they actually
argued with
my parents about it.

I continued to go to church with these neighbors, even when
I moved
across town they would pick me up every Sunday for church.
When I was a
teenager I moved in with my father, because of the crowded
schools and I
was being a typical teenager so my mother and I weren't
getting along
very well.

Every one of my friends were LDS in Utah (big surprise), so
I started
going to church every Sunday. I remember one lesson was
about the Second
Coming, the teacher was telling us all about the "bad"
people who were
going to die. I asked her to define "bad" for me; she went
on and on
about sinners. I asked her what would happen to people who
didn't keep
the word of wisdom. Were they "bad" too? She didn't say no,
she didn't
say yes, she merely skirted the whole question. It was at
this point
that I realized if you want a question answered that isn't
outlined in
the lesson plan; you better go find it yourself.

It was important for me to know details like that, because
both of my
parents drank and smoke. I was consumed by the idea that my
parents
would die in the Second Coming. As I grew older I started to
think that
something wasn't wrong with my parents, it was the church
that made me
view my own parents as sinners. In high school I stopped
going to
church, except on special occasions, i.e. missions,
blessings, etc.

The summer after I graduated from high school, I started
seeing a former
class mate and one thing lead to another and you can guess
what
transpired next. I was so ashamed afterwards that I didn't
tell anyone
for 2 months. The thing was, I didn't even enjoy it, I felt
dirty and
regretted it every time I saw or heard anything having to do
with sex.
The worst part of it was that 6 months later, when I was in
college, I
found out he was going on a mission in the next month. I
couldn't
believe it. Would the church let him go on a mission after
only 6
months? Whatever the reason was for him to go, I felt even
more guilty.
He repented and had come to terms with this long ago and I
was still
feeling sick about it.

All of my roommates in college were strict Mormons so they
eventually
got me to start attending church at the institute ward. All
of my own
faults and shame piled up on me while I attended, so the
next logical
thing for me was go to the bishop and repent for all of my
sins. I had
never gone to the bishop to repent because I never
understood why it was
necessary in the repenting process and I still don't. I
decided that a
bishop at a college ward would surely have heard worse than
my sins, so
I might as well go through with it. I went there and sat
before a man I
didn't know anything about, other than his last name, and
told him
things I hadn't even told my sister, mother or friends. For
all the
shame and anxiety I went through to bring myself to that
step in the
"repenting process" he gave me a sheet of paper with a
checklist on it.
If I would abide by everything on that list, I would someday
be
forgiven. How do I know when I will be forgiven? He told me
that he
would let me know.

A month later I threw his checklist away. God would forgive
me, not the
bishop.

I married my husband about a year and a half later. We
didn't get
married in the temple, not because of premarital sex, but
because we
both knew we weren't prepared to live an LDS life. We both
had every
intention of going back one day when we had a family.
Although I had my
doubts, I figured I just wasn't ready for it at the time and
the few bad
experiences I had weren't worth throwing away my "eternal
salvation".
When we decided to have a family we would commit to the
church once
again for the good of our children. It was then that I
started thinking
about all of the doubts that I had and whether or not I
still had them.
If I doubted the church, I couldn't teach my children that
it was right.
I didn't want our children to go to the LDS church, though I
didn't know
why I felt that way. I couldn't tell my husband my feelings,
because I
didn't know why I was feeling them so I thought that maybe
it was just
me.

We moved to another state about 8 months after we were
married so my
husband could go to school. I started going through the
various chat
rooms and bulletin boards on the Internet, due to the lack
of people I
knew up here. I was having a religious conversation and I
happened to
bring up the fact that I was LDS and this woman started to
inform me
that my religion was wrong. Well, no one but me can put down
my
religion, so I argued with her back and forth. I felt that
she must have
been taking scriptures from the Book of Mormon and Bible out
of context,
surely the BoM wouldn't contradict the Bible? I argued back
and forth
with her for 2-3 days, until I decided to find evidence on
the Internet
that would refute her "baseless" arguments.

The only evidence I found supported her arguments against
the church.

I couldn't believe it. How could that many intelligent
people believe in
this massive lie the church had been founded on. I ran to
the library
(thanking God I wasn't in Utah anymore) and checked out
every book I
could find about Mormonism, good and bad. My husband found a
few of my
books and casually tried to ask me why I was reading so many
books
against the church. Dreading this moment, I told him about
my experience
on the Internet and what I had learned. I shared some of the
information, not surprisingly, he hadn't heard of most of
it. He had
never heard anything about the Book of Abraham, Mark
Hoffman, and he
wasn't even aware of Blood Atonement. He went to church on a
regular
basis and took seminary classes in high school and he didn't
know about
any of the things I was explaining. He was calm about it and
told me
that he didn't mind if I left the LDS church for another
church, but to
just leave religion altogether would bother him. He feels
that when we
have children they should be raised in a religion. I will
try to look
into various religions in the future, for now I just want to
feel free
and not have the guilt that I always associated with
religion.

I had decided to have my name removed from the church
records, until I
told my husband about my plans a few months after we had
discussed my
problems with the church, he didn't take it very well and
for some
reason that surprised me. I remembered that he said it
wouldn't be so
bad as long as I left for another religion, I guess he never
thought I
would actually go through with it. I decided that it wasn't
that big of
an issue since I didn't recognize the church as having any
authority
anyway. Sometimes I think that all it does is keep my
husband's hope
alive that I'll come to my senses someday, but I can firmly
say that my
name being on the records will not change my decision to
leave the
church.

I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off my
shoulders (a
cliché, I know). I no longer feel as though I have to be
perfect. I
don't have to go to their church to be a good person. I know
that the
people in the LDS religion are no better than any one else.
It reminds
me of a joke I heard in college:

A guy dies, goes to heaven. An angel gives him a tour
pointing out the
various groups of people. The guy sees a bunch of people
dancing and
laughing, so he asks the angel, "Who are they?" The angel
says, "Oh,
they're Baptist." They continue walking and the guy sees a
group of
people having a picnic and playing games, so he asks the
angel again,
"Who are they?" The angel says. "They're Methodist." Then
they come upon
this great big wall and the guy asks, "What's with the
wall?" The angel
says, "Oh, that's the Mormons, they think they're the only
ones up
here."

I have decided not to tell any of my TBM family members.
Though it was
a big decision for me, I don't believe it changes who I am
or the way I
feel about my family and friends. There are times I want to
let the
whole world know, but I don't know what it would accomplish,
other than
hurt feelings on both sides.

I want to thank you Eric for this site; it has helped me see
that I
wasn't the only one who thought something was wrong with the
LDS church.