IRL Cleaning Hazards and Good Game Endings

I give up. Seriously. I surrender. Just send your kids over here, I’ll take care of them while you play games. One of us should play, and, as my life is basically 14 straight hours of craziness and ten hours of trying to sleep, you play.

I did play a little Tropico 5, but only to shush the kids up. It’s fun. Like Civ and Sim City all mashed up. Not sure you’d dig it, but Mr. O’ would, and it’s free.

Feminina:

I’d LIKE to send you my kids, but then I could never take them back, on account of the zombie epidemic. Not that it won’t get here soon.

I’m sleeping in two hour intervals, but the baby seems to have gotten the message (for now) that nighttime is for waking up, nursing, and going back to sleep, so there’s that going for us.

Today Mr. O’ is back at work and my mom is out looking at Gloucester with his mom (because sightseeing!), so things are quiet. I MAY even play if Grigio has a decent nap. It’s on my list!

Butch:

I knew it. I KNEW you were going to have a baby, go to the hospital, etc., and still manage to finish before me. Because. That’s the universe for you.

Grigio has? That message? In….what…TWO WEEKS?

I sort of hate you.

I mean, that’s great. Really great. Fantastic. Heh.

Two fucking weeks.

But well, good. That means in a couple hours we can talk about the end to UC2 OH WAIT WE CAN’T CUZ MY KIDS.

I’m ok. I’m ok. Breathe.

Oh, wait, that’s tricky, because do you know what I did with what little free time I did have yesterday? Did I play games? Why no, no I did not. I cleaned icky black stuff off the showers, which required bleach, of which I inhaled a ton, and then on the SECOND shower Mrs. McP forgot to inform me that she had cleaned a spot where Baby McP made a mess with Pine Sol, which has ammonia in it, which only mixes well with bleach if you WANT to create ammonium chloride, which, you know, is a CHEMICAL WEAPON.

I can’t talk, and I’ve been coughing up what tastes like hot tub water all day.

On the upside, I have very, very white grout. Sparkling. And my bathroom smells better. That is, if you like the smell of bleach. And I’m good. As long as I don’t talk. Or breathe too hard. Or go outside, apparently. I’ll be fine. I think.

Booze worked last night.

You finished, didn’t you?

I was inspired to do the truck bit, which I completed before Baby McP awoke. Good stuff. Made me feel very action hero. Died a whole lot before I got the grenades, which made me feel a lot better. Pulling dudes out of trucks, shooting drivers, nice design of level. I do like how they’re mixing things up. Give them that.

Feminina:

Yeah, the jumping from truck to truck, hurling guys around, shooting at other guys…good action.

I am now 97% done, but the baby woke up before I could finish this last fight with the big villain. (Chloe! Just kidding.) Some very nice levels, though. I’ll get it next time! Our the time after that, or something. This IS an excellent game for short playing sessions.

Butch:

97%. You now know how I felt in the last game, that six minutes away…….

It best not be Chloe. I won’t kill Morrigan. Won’t.

Elena is growing on me, sure. But she ain’t Chloe.

And it took two weeks to get back to form. Proud of us.

Feminina:

So…close…

You will be so sad and conflicted if you have to kill Chloe to finish the game.

Butch:

Hey given the “old god” thing I spent most of DAI in mortal fear I would have to kill Morrigan. Nope nope nope.

I am not (particularly) close and I STILL won’t get there. You got more sleep than I did, as I spent the night coughing up chlorine. I feel better today, though. It even burned when I blew my nose.

So tired.

But I have very white grout.

I find it very, VERY….what’s the word? Ironic? Frustrating? No…..predictable. Yes, predictable that I am behind you in both game and SLEEP despite the fact you have a TWO WEEK OLD BABY.

Predictable.

Tonight I’ll be all kid nuts, cuz Jr. has a late dr. appt so my mom will be here riling them up. But Mrs. McP has CLASS on Thursday, so returning to some sort of normalcy.

She might be getting yet another promotion at some point here, and may have to travel some, so then I’ll get the opportunity to finish games only two weeks behind you instead of three.

And you were SO worried the baby would stop you dead in your tracks.

Feminina:

With any luck, Claudia Black has it in her contract that she never has to be killed to finish a game.

On the bright side, your sinuses must be REALLY clean right now. In addition to the sparkling grout.

Butch:

I wish she had more contracts. My…um…admiration of Chloe and Morrigan aside, she is a hell of a voice actress. Indeed, this game has quite the cast. Steve Valentine is great, Nolan North is great. I don’t know who did Elena, but I like her.

Troy Baker, he of Joel and Booker DeWitt fame, is Drake’s brother in 4. He can’t stay away!

Claudia Black DOES seem to have in her contracts that she voices hotties. Yet another reason to root for more of her in games.

Feminina:

To be fair, there aren’t that many major female characters in games who couldn’t be described as hotties, so assuming she doesn’t want to just do single lines for minor NPCs, her opportunities may be limited.

Even the crones were hot sometimes.

It’s like a guy trying to find a major role that’s not a stubbly manhero. They’re not just growing on trees out there. (Well, OK, sometimes it’s a suave, cleanshaven manhero.)

Butch:

HA! As I was reading that, I was like “The Crones” and you undercut me while it was still but a thought.

Uh…. Flemeth. I’ll go with Flemeth.

Feminina:

Dude, Flemeth is super foxy. Don’t knock Flemeth. Ha.

Apparently her voice is Kate Mulgrew. Sweet.

Butch:

She did get foxier. But…..no.

Feminina:

Fine, we’ll table the debate about Flemeth’s foxiness, and we’ll both aim to make progress tomorrow.

Onward and upward! Eventually.

Butch:

Man, I hope so. I’m starting to forget the story past “Chloe is hot, there’s some stone thing. Dagger. There’s a dagger and I need that.”

Wait, IS there more story than that?

The Monastery (where I am about to start) looks long, hard, and time consuming. I have a feeling this is gonna be a “Hey! I killed the first guy stealthily! I’m going to sneak up on all these now we’re shooting.”

Feminina:

Bad guy wants mysterious artifact to use for evil. That’s the crucial rest of the story. Remember that and you’re good.

The monastery is rather long, but has some good climbing and jumping. And opportunities for stealth!–which frequently lead to everyone shooting at you, true.

Butch:

Oh, right, right. Use for evil. Forgot.

This…seems….wasn’t that why the Nazis wanted the Ark of the Covenant? Wasn’t it? It was.

If this ends up with him tied up going “Close your eyes Elena….don’t look at the stone….” while everyone melts….

My real problem isn’t the sneaking. It’s knowing when the dude is in the right spot to do the sneaky kill. I mean, in AC4, you just sorta sat in the hay hitting whatever button until the guy was there and boom. This one, you hit the button, and you TRY to grab him, which make you wave. So I’m all sneaky, hiding, it’s all good, then, when he’s pretty close “Hey dude! Over here!”

Which isn’t effective.

This was particularly embarrassing when I did it while hanging from trucks. “Can’t….reach….dude….” and the dude, I’m sure was all “Yeah…standing back and shooting….”

Feminina:

Using for evil is why all villains want everything. It’s not like you’re going to run into an evil mastermind who’s a pretty terrible person, but who just wants the Cintamani Stone because he thinks it would look great in his Mystical Stones of the World collection.

I mean, that would leave us with the danger that Drake might say “OK, fine, whatever,” and go home without finishing the adventure.

Ha–THAT would be a seriously awesome twist ending for some game sometime. Some game that secretly hates its players.

Hero, on verge of epic final battle: “All right, this is it…no, you know what, hell with this. I’m out.”

Hero gives finger to the screen, breaking the fourth wall, and walks off into the sunset while player frantically pushes buttons trying to make him turn around and get back into the fight, which is clearly awesome: colorful explosions rock the landscape and cool weapons are scattered everywhere waiting for someone to pick them up and use them. Hero ignores.

Credits roll.

Butch:

He won’t give up so long as they have Chloe.

But you’re right: it’s ALWAYS something.

It’s probably for the best so many of these things are buried and lost. It seems so many ancient peoples were good at making things that a) were pretty and b) could take over the world. It sorta begs the question: why are they so extinct? I mean, besides the zombie thing.

Feminina:

I’m just going with “the zombie thing.”

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About Feminina O'Ladybrain

As a woman, Feminina O'Ladybrain loves skimpy armor, the Smurfette Principle, and being rescued. She also enjoys setting things on fire, and is unusually fond of shotguns.
She likes lady games, such as 'Lady: The Game,' but since that doesn't exist, she plays a lot of series, like 'Dragon Age,' 'Mass Effect,' and 'Assassin's Creed.'