Ask Allie- How Do I Know If My Boyfriend Is Cheating?

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and I feel that he’s cheating on me.

He works as an installer of kitchen counter tops (marble, granite), so almost every day he is out in the streets going to empty houses [for work], apartments, houses with people, very nice homes, beachfront houses, and very expensive apartments.

I have a feeling that he meets women either on the way to work, around work, or at work. He is an insecure person that needs attention from ANY women so he likes to flirt and call the attention. He happens to be very well built. He does take care of his looks, he lets weights and is fit, so he does not need too much in order for women to look at him.

I am a lot older than him but don’t look my age. He gets really jealous if a man talks to me or if I happen to see another guy. Before he used to live alone and I went through his phone and found him talking to several girls. He was on several dating websites but he denied it and he cheated on me with another girl, which I confronted him about and he stopped. Then after a car accident, he moved in with me. Now he lives with me in my house. He is checking out girls all the time and he acts like he is single.

He says that he loves me and that he is with me because he loves me and that I am his life, but I have the feeling that he is still very much cheating. He is using my iPhone because my company provides me with a company phone

so I gave it to him so he doesn’t have the extra expense. I am able to check his phone calls, texts, and now his location (and he knows it). But his company provided him with a work phone for during the day that he has only brought home twice because I checked it before and started asking questions. He got really angry and said that he is not the only one using the phone, blah, blah, blah, to the point that I told him if he does not let me check his phone, he cannot check my work phone either. I don’t have a problem with him checking my work phone because I do not have anything to hide, but now he makes sure he does not bring his work phone home so I am almost sure that he uses the company phone once he gets to work to talk to his other women.

When he is on the way to do an installation, he does not drive and has a driver. So he has the time to talk to anyone during the duration of the trip. The trip can be anywhere from 30 minutes to 3 hours, one-way. I have a feeling that during the transportation and work day, he is talking to other women on the company phone.

I don’t have a way to check his work phone and when I tell him what I think, he said that he is not doing that but I do have my doubts because one day we crossed each other’s paths on a street and because he was not driving, he could not see him but I saw him and he was texting. When I asked him who he was texting, he said “Oh no, I was putting the address into Mapquest for where we were going.” I don’t believe him because he was smiling when he was texting. I think he might be on dating sites from his work phone. And he carries my phone with him also. He makes sure that he doesn’t call me from his work phone. So basically I am between a rock and a hard place.

I love him. That’s why I haven’t left him, but all of this is driving me crazy and I would like to know the truth. I hate lies and basically I don’t have the time to spend if he is playing me. I really need your advice. Is my boyfriend cheating on me?

-Don’t Know What To Do

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Dear Don’t Know What To Do,

From what you’ve told me, there is clearly a lack of trust in the relationship (rightfully so), which is not an easy battle to overcome. Unfortunately, your boyfriend has given you plenty of reasons to not trust him (esp. since he’s cheated on you before and you’ve caught him). But rebuilding trust is possible. However, it is a two-way street and both parties have to be willing to put forth effort to make this relationship work and heal.

If this relationship is important to the both of you and you both want to work at it, there has to be transparency between the two of you. At the end of the day, your boyfriend can do what he wants (he is a grown man), but that does not mean he is free from consequences. You do NOT have to put up with the lack of respect he has for you and your feelings. That is your right. There are men out there who do not have a problem with their women looking through their phone, because they have nothing to hide. There are men that WANT to be faithful to you, especially a woman who is equally faithful back.

I wish you the best of luck. Rebuilding trust can be a long process but it is very much possible to rebuild trust between two people who truly want to make the relationship work.