Ask E. Jean: How to Get Over a Bad Breakup

"Do exactly the opposite of everything you're doing right now."

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Dear E. Jean: I'm 23 and a recent law school graduate, and I just failed the bar exam because I was too busy crying my eyes out over my 29-year-old boyfriend of five years who destroyed my life. He cheated, lied, and stripped me of my self-esteem and confidence. I'm now single, without friends (he wouldn't let me have any), and utterly seared. How do I get back up again?
—Heart Shattered

Miss Shattered: Oh dear. Being "seared" is very bad for our planet. As to the deleterious effects of being "stripped"—that's rarely good for a girl. You've written not a moment too soon! Here's how you "get back up": Do exactly the opposite of everything you're doing right now. If you're in bed, get up. If you're not eating, eat. If you're not showing up at your daily bar exam preparation course, get dressed and hie your tortured carcass to class. (Afterward, ask a couple of fellow students if they want to go for coffee. You're free to make as many friends as you'd like.)

Finally, if you're still releasing the water, lysozyme, lipocalin, lacritin, antibodies, glucose, and potassium—i.e., tears—stop. The oceans have expanded enough. As Mary, Queen of Scots, said after her close confidant David Rizzio was murdered in front of her: "No more tears now; I will think upon revenge." Nothing will kill the cad faster than seeing you billing $800 an hour as a worldclass attorney and looking gloriously loved, happy, and triumphant.