It feels odd always calling you Team Purple when you are not even really team purple anymore. But I guess you’ll always be Team Purple to us. Although, I’ve taken to calling you both #TeamBruise, as you are Team Black, Hannah and you Team Blue, O, and you were Purple, before, so get it? Hahaha, such a silly joke, so anyhoo on with the LIVE Blogging:

Jane: Hello Gorgeous!

You there?

Lula: I. AM. Here.

Jane: Hi pretty!

Hey it’s pronounced

OH HI!

Reese lives in OH HI. I want to live in OH HEY!

Lula: Reese schmeese.

I want to live in New Zealand. Or Ireland. But that’s neither here nor there.

Jane: Haha….I know,…..it’s cool to see their rooms. Court is being PUSHED DO IT Court!

Lula: Courtney looks good in the red.

Jane: O and Hannah are big supporters I know, but I bet Irene is too!

Lula: This is a trend for her–she looks good in any color.

Irene needs a Pic, this is her, our Sayid-like Secret Ninja

Irene is the silent ninja-she is like the Sayid of the bunch.

Jane: She is indeed.

I enjoy that they ar ehaving a carpet picnic

WHERE’s BOB?

Lula: (I like how we always make Lost references. You know Olivia likes it, too.)

YES!

Jane: Oh it’s Sami

Lula: I was just gonna say–they’re popping a squat with their food. Cute.

Jane: Do we like Sami’s Aztec vest coast thing? I can’t decide

This is an odd challenge. So what’s a mile?

Lula: Um……..

I don’t know. It’s got that heart thing going on. It’s not my thing.

Jane: WINDYYYYY

Lula: Also not my thing–Austin’s unfortunate hair DON’T. oh, dear.

he needs a make-over.

Jane: Cleaning is burning of calories!

Ewww O, that sounds gross

Lula: Olivia ain’t no maid.

Jane: She ain’t!

Are they really counting their steps?

WOW! How boring.

Lots of Strateeejury going on here,…….but it’s boring ya’ll.

Lula: STRA-TEE-JURY.

Jane: Pick and panic

Lula: oh, Moses….

he’s looking good, though

Jane: It’s all over….ok what is happenning, just look at this.

What is it?

Who won?????

BURNNNNN

Get your BURN.

I love Hannah and Olivia’s back and forth

It’s HANNAH BANANA!

Kick it

Olivia is gonna clean for the Moms of Amercia

And I cannot spell America

Alone time with Court and Brett. WHere’d you GO?

What the hell is Brett talking about/

Oh wait Lili described that before. Where ya at?

Lula: I’m here.

Jane: I believe Lili more

than Brett

Lula: I always believe LiLi more.

Jane: GO COURT GO COURT

Lula: LiLi should be up in this show…on the Ranch…working on people’s fitness.

Jane: Oh how exciting it’s Cara <<< sarcasm

Lula: I just yawned. NO LIE.

Jane: Oh Ken….just OH

Lula: He’s a pastor. Bless him.

Jane: Yes, indeed. Oh Austin, you gotta BRING IT

That scares me a bit. Rulon looks Cray Cray

Lula: Where is Rulon getting this contraband from?

He does. He has that Silence of the Lambs look about him.

Sent at 8:20 PM on Tuesday

Lula: WHERE ARE YOU?

Jane: I am here.

BOBOBOBOB!

That was exciting.

BOB said what I said. Cleaning burns alories

Wait, with a C

BOB is making them SOLDIERS

Bob is concerned…….. Uh OH

Could be a nail biter.

Lula: SOLDIERS.

Olivia is already a soldier–in God’s Army. Oh yes, I went there. WORD.

Jane: I love that, “Not ME”. says O

Or Dumblebore’s Army, cause I love HP

Can Jill help Rulon? Can anyome?

He scares me….he does

Lula: he is not even owning up to his actions.

look at him laughing. NOT TAKING OWNERSHIP OF WHAT HE HAS DONE.

wrong. i am mad at him.

Jane: I reward myself with makeup when I lose

Olivia would be proud

I got the Bare Essentuals makeup stuff and I look beautiful

Lula: i reward myself with makeup, TOO.

Jane: I am bored by this now… cause he is annoying, but his eyes get cray cray

Lula: of course you look beautiful–BECAUSE YOU ARE. i love you, Janet.

Jane: Love you babe! and Thank you.

I want a ride on a horse. Jill loves horses too. I love horeses

Lula: Rulon needs to get some makeup for his cray cray eyes.

Jane: I add “es” on the end of silly things

Lula: (was that mean?)

Jane: NO

Jill is doing a very good thing now!

That is a good idea to help Rulon control his desire for treats

She is being awesome

Lula: She’s gonna beat his ass. I love her deeply.

Jane: JAY is killing BOB

I love it when BOB takes over! HE is crazy amazing.

What an awesome trainer. SOLDIER!

Lula: Bob is our people. Olivia has said it all along.

Jane: Thank gosh Jill has nixed Rulon juggling ropes

They are terrified of Jill! So funny. And BOB knows the whole time.

Lula: I love that they’re keeing their win from her. AWESOME.

Jane: Hahahahahaha! Hannah, so funny

Lula: Hannah is a comedian.

LOOK AT HER FACE>

Jane: Jill should go with them.

Burst a blood vessel in the eyeball. YIKES!

Oh no! They don’t drink do they?

Sent at 8:35 PM on Tuesday

Jane: Cleaning TIME!

It’s gross in there.

EWWW Sydney would eat that bug for them

Lula: that place wouldn’t be NASTY if Lula was up in there. SICK. I abhor a dirty kitchen,

Jane: I kinda like Jay going out with Hannah. It’s sweet….like a Papa and his daughetr. Rulon ruins this vision of mine.

Shoes, As big as my FACE!

Lula: OMS, I love YOU

“Rulon ruins this vision of mine.”

Jane: I want shoes as big as my face!

Lula: those are some jimmy-jack-em-up shoes.

Jane: Hannah looks amazing!

Hannah Banana is just awesome…..I can’t wait to give her big hugs.

“JayBird” awwww

Where they going???

Will they see YOU KNOW WHO???

Lula: To see HOT ALEX? I’d die.

Or to see Brody Jenner

see–i brought him up before you could!

Jane: YESSS

Awww their faces are great. I love the smiles.

Lula: SO FUN!

Jane: Yick thogh Hollywood Blvd isn’t where you go for fun!

Suset ya’ll. Sunset.

Geisha house, is cute and was in Knocked UP. It’s an old classic though.

DON’T DRINK!

Lula: Ewwwwwww–no seaweed salad. Gross.

KING CRAB, Yo. I’m all over that.

Jane: They are doing wonderful. I am so proud of them.

Esp Jay, he sounds like a proud Papa

Lula: look–water with lime. my fave.

Jane: NOOOOOOOOOO

Lula: THIS IS CREEPTASTIC.

Jane: That rando wanted to toast them because he wanted to be ON TV!!

He wanted to get his 15 mins

Lula: OH, what a smarmy marmy

Jane: Don’t leave HANNAH there alone with rando

AHHHHHHHHH

Sent at 8:45 PM on Tuesday

Jane: Hannah is being so nice about this. But looks pissed.

Lula: this guy isn’t even cute. she needs to RUN.

RUN RUN RUN.

Jane: Exactly…..so annoying. What a face?

She’s an older lady.

NO YOU’re NOT!

Lula: He is creeptastic.

Jane: This is so emotional and awesome, now. Quick turn of events.

GO Hannah.

Lula: He needs to get OFF camera. I mean–yay for flattering her.

and she is now making me cry.

Jane: I know, me too. She is ME!

Okay what is this Green Stuff?

Lula: you are beautiful, too. just not in heels that high.

Jane: Why are we here.

Hahahah not in heels that high.

Okay, really? WE GET THIS

Courtney is on her own team. WE GET IT!

Lula: Sigh…

MORE OLIVIA.

Jane: Yes, I want that…..less same conve and more Olivia. Court needs a Ben.

NO WALLS! Court

Do it Court

Lula: Dude….

Jane: So why didn’t they show them cleaning?

D00d

Lula: I had Wholly Guacamole for the first time a few weeks ago…

I texted Ben and said, “I want to marry this stuff and have its babies.”

Have you ever had it? IT IS SO AMAZING. Better than what I’ve had in restaurants!

Jane: I can’t eat avocado stuff.

Lula: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Guac is my fave.

Jane: It’s the one thing I am “allergic” too

My body can’t digest the high levels of protein in plant form.

It has to deal with some enzyme I don’t have….blah blah blah

I am LAME!

Lula: I am so sorry.

This ruins me. RUINS me, Janet. I praise Jesus daily for the avocados.

Jane: It’s OK. I also take Rat Poison known as Coumadin every day

I am playing my sad song now.

Sent at 8:57 PM on Tuesday

Jane: What’s Bob bringing? He cares and loves.

I LOVE HIM

Lula: coumadin, as you know, thins your blood. BE CAREFUL.

BOB IS OUR PEOPLE.

Look at O’s nails.

they’re Blue. of course. matchy-matchy. that’s our girl.

Jane: Of course I know! I been taken it for 5 years!

Blue nails rule.

I love that BOB is teaching them right. Wholly Guac! You were just talking about this.

BEST COMMERCIAL EVER! from BOB

duh

Lula: BOB IS MY HERO FOREVERMORE.

OMS, I just tweeted that I loved Wholly Guacamole.

We win.

OMS, WE SO WIN.

Jane: I complained a lot about me during our Live Blogging.

Dear People of the World: I will stop!

You go O!

Umm really? What Figher Fighters do.

Irene just does it. I love it.

I am ready for the weigh in, you?

Lula: You have not complained. Listen, you are a vital, important part of my life and of Olivia’s life.

Therefore, it’s not complaining.

Besides, I always say–if it matters to you, it matters to God. The end.

Also, I am so ready for the weigh-in. NO dramz, no dramz.

Jane: 🙂 That was me smiling.

Sent at 9:05 PM on Tuesday

Jane: Fighting fighting like fire fighting

I am going to ask for that work out at the gym

Laser beam focus! That’s right

Jill is amazing at getting Rulon to work

Sent at 9:08 PM on Tuesday

Where. Are. You?

Jane: It’s reconnecting

Lula: Oh, ok.

Jane: I lost it on the other thing

LAST CHANCE WORK OUT

Here we go ya’ll

This is INTENSE

Court looks adorable her make up is excellence

Lula: HER HAIR IS FAB!

Jane: Totally fab. I love it.

Cara will be heart broken….awwww

That was MEAN

I love Sami’s outfit

Lula: I love Sami’s outfit, too.

Cara’s lipstick is RIDICULOUS.

I mean–it’s her own fault.

Jane: She may be rediculous

Lula: she has Olivia there, at her disposal. She should be taking advantage of that.

Jane: Oh my gosh! This preview for WFE was good!

Lula: UH, I hated it.

Jane: I am so glad they fixed it

Lula: Florence in a trailer for a 30’s movie? Doesn’t fit.

Jane: Oh darn, well we can’t agree on everything. 😉

Lula: Change the song and it works.

No, the trailer is good–but the music is wrong. and you KNOW I love Florence + the Machine.

Jane: I see your point, but I likes it!

Lula: Also–Reese is NOT Marlena, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m not even going to see WFE, so whatever.

Jane: I was so nervous. In the 160’s. Amazing.

I am so proud of her.

Lula: SO proud of her. She looks amazing.

Jane: She is GLOWING. 80 pound total loss. That is amazing.

Oh, that was about Hannah by the way.

Jay’s turn. 6 pounds loss for him. Awesome.

Lula: Good for him!

He’s done well–coming back to the Ranch and getting a 2nd chance and all.

Jane: He has done great

Lula: Here comes cray cray…

I’m hoping he does well.

Jane: Oh no, it’s the Rougue’s turn

I am hoping for him too

But he just scares me. His attitude and dark stare.

Oh good. 7lbs

Lula: Good for him.

Jane: Wow Black team is crazy awesome!

Ohh no, I am worried for Courtney

Olivia’s turn.

O’s hair is adorable in a bun.

WOW the musak is scaring me

Lula: She looks gorgeous.

Jane: Commercial on O AGAIN!

Lula: COMMERCIAL, as always.

Sent at 9:22 PM on Tuesday

Jane: Oh no….Now I am nervous.

It was a hard week for her….but she stays positive.

Lula: I am not nervous…because…well…

I love her.

Her positive attitude is DOING IT for me.

Jane: Good Point.

She is very positive. I love positivity,

GO MOSES! MOSES MOSES

Lula: Look how amazing Moses looks–

Jane: Wow, he is half himself almost literally

Lula: DANG, SON! He is killing it.

Good job, Moses. Be all Biblical with that name.

Jane: 7 pounds for MO! Amazing

Lula: Moses is positive, too. I appreciate that.

Jane: I also like Sami’s hair this week. I want to know how to do that.

Go Irene Irene!

Lula: DANG, GINA. Look at Irene–what a transformation!

She is a hot piece.

Bob is pleased.

Jane: She is sooo beautiful! They DID IT! and Irene is FUNNNY

I love it

Lula: I enjoy a pleased BOB.

Jane: BOB is pleased to pieces

Blue team is SAFE!! Yeahhhh Olivia. Now we plan for Hannah.

Positive thoughts for the Hannah Banana.

Lula: She’s safe.

I think Austin will do well…

Jane: I think she is too, but you know….it’s always a nail biter

Lula: I like Courtney’s red ring.

Jane: I like it too. Their fashion accesories are adorable

Jane:

Ken’s turn. 4 pounds is good for an injury week

Lula: Well, 4 is good considering he had an injury

Jane: That is real good.

Lula: JINX!

Jane: OHHH OHhh OHH Cara. The way she says “all”

Lula: I like Sami Brady’s hair. It looks #goo

Cara makes me rage–I mean…

Why IS she? Why?

Jane: I want to know how to do that hair. I said this before, duh hehehe

Kaylee, why is she? Just Why?

Kaylee lost a pound. And she “did” all she could. And Wanted to go home with all her might.

65 pounds in total for Kaylee’s total loss

Austin’s turn.

Lula: Kaylee shoulda gone home last week. Or the week before. That’s mean of me, but that it is what it is.

Austin is a good lookin’ dude. He just needs that makeover something fierce.

Jane: But Kaylee was on the Red Team and we are supposed to not like them

Lula: DUDE. Lame.

Jane: Austin lost only 2 pounds. It musta been teh fire fighter trainin

Lula: And of course they have Courtney commenting on Austin. L-O-V-E.

Jane: Adorable.

Can I tell you that I think CAra looks like a ….no

Jane: Ok, it’s Court’s time. SOOOOO NERVOUS

I can’t even spell nervous.

Lula: She looks like Rosie Perez.

Jane: Rosie Perez would be an imporvement

Lula: You called it weeks ago. Rosie Perez, Jr.

Jane: except I can’t spell

Lula: “an improvement.” AWESOME.

Jane: Poor Courtney, bouncing around being nervous.

Lula: FREAKIN’ COMMERCIALS.

Jane: UGGHH Commercials are LAME unless BOB is in them, as we;ve said.

Lula: Right. BOB commercials are winners.

Sent at 9:43 PM on Tuesday

Jane: GOODNESS. TELL US

ON PINS AND NEEDLES

in ALL CAPS

Lula: ALL CAPS. DUDE>

SHIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Jane: EFFFFF

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(These are intelligent comments)

Lula: This is unbelievable.

Dramz. No.

Jane: Tears. They are making me teary

Lula: Look at Bob & Jillian–they are crying, too.

Jane: Oh Courtney you are amazing.

Lula: THEY ARE OUR PEOPLE.

OLIVIA IS CRYING. Dangit…I am crying.

Jane: Awful just awful

I want to tell Brett to shut it. Let Courtney have her positivity.

Lula: I don’t like Brett’s thumb ring.

He is ruining this moment for me.

GO ‘HEAD, BOB.

If he cries, I will die, Janet.

Jane: OHh BOB

You be selfish!

Lula: I am bawling.

And Olivia is bawling.

Jane: OHH this is sad

Lula: SHE IS WANTING TO SACRIFICE–that is our friend, right there.

I cannot deal. No, I cannot deal.

Jane: It’s awful….I am so teary and she is so positive.

I LOVE YOU COURT!

Lula: Sami Brady is about to cry, too.

Jane: Sami is sad and couldn’t even say that “Courtney, I am sorry you are not the Biggest Loser.”

OHH teary teary

I don’t know what to write.

Lula: I’m just snotting.

Jane: Bob’s face just made me laugh.

No Kayles, YOU ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE

And that is mean, but how I feel.

You shouldn’t have wanted to go home so bad.

Lula: AGREED. Her ass shoulda gone home 2 weeks ago.

I mean-that is so mean of me. BUT FOR REAL.

Jane: Not cause she is tiny, but cause she wanted to give up.

Lula: RIGHT. I mean, yay for her weight loss…

but she was all, “I wanna go home.”

WELL–GO HOME.

Jane: Oh Courtney! You are so inspiring.

I LOVE her todeath!

Lula: I love her. She’s our people, too.

And again, they’re playing contemporary Christian music up on this show. Amazing.

Jane: They are? Amazing. I love it and for Court!

I can’t wait to see her.

I want to see her lost more. Not 24 hours later. But glad to see her Mama

Hello my lovely team purple members and avid blog followers (editor’s note – hahahaha) . This is @brookelockart filling in this week, giving Jane a break from blogging. Hannah, you don’t know me, but I’m one of those “book club” friends of Olivia’s. I’m also on the mission to make you an east coast girl, so prepare yourself!

We heart "book club"!

Sorry for the late post, but it’s been one of those weeks, then it was one of those weekends when you get totally sucked into a book all the sudden it’s Tuesday and you haven’t posted (but you’ve read a series of 5 books…), I digress.

Similar to Lula and Janet, this is my first full season of watching the biggest loser. I’ve watched episodes here or there but do people always change colors this often? So this week you all became one big team, I’m all for team unity, but now I can’t change the channel when the red team came on (kill me, I like Glee).

As a team, you are supposed to lose more total weight than both teams did the week prior. If you do, no one goes home. Yes! I’m pumped. I have faith! Ahh, but the body is tricky and I swear all you girls are on the rag at the same time. Water weight bloat sucks!

This week’s episode shows before and after pictures for each of the contestants at their current weight loss. I’m just amazed at some of their progress. You can really see it in Rulon’s face. Olivia, you are of course looking fabulous and Hannah, soooo skinny.

There’s a challenge, I zone out. Teams appear to be struggling. Wait, the could lose it. OH! They win the challenge by mere seconds. Goooo Blue team! This will give the team some advantage at the weigh in.

When all is said and done, as a group they are unable to pull it off. Someone must go home and it’s between Marci and Kaylee. Kaylee gained 2 pounds (see previous on the rag comment) and Marci stays the same. Marci pleads for everyone to send her home, save Kaylee. Well, this just does it. I cry, I get emotional; I want a mom like Marci. Courtney is a very lucky girl. Marci is voted off and is not the biggest loser.

Yes, that is an OLE cake. DON't EAT IT

Well girls, you are safe for another week. I wonder if you’ll all stay as one team or change back. Maybe they’ll switch it up completely. Regardless, you have our support.

In an effort to actually blog on time, our dearest Lula and I decided to LIVE Blog via GChat. We laughed together, we cried together, we prayed together, we screamed together, we made up stories together while bored (Red Team) and we compared ya’ll to LOST, as we should. Boy was this one a total nail biter. So very glad we made it through together. So at last, I bring you Random LIVE Blogging with Jane and Lula:

Jane: And to begin

Hannah is amazing, but she needs to not argue with Jillian. Duh

Lula: YES.

Jane: Hannah you are capable!

4 reasons you do it

1) Tall and thin enough

2) Knowledge….what else? I missed it…

Lula: BECAUSE SHE’S SCARLETT O’HANNAH

I’m tweeting that.

Jane: that is it. And you know what Jill is right. mean she does look aazing

that was amazing

Oh crap she’s making me want to get teary

I could watch the Hannah Banana show all seasn* (*editor note – Jane is notorious for bad grammer and spelling. If it wasn’t in here, Olivia wouldn’t believe it was Jane)

Lula: She gon’ make me cry

Jane: How excited is it that Marci is now the captain? They needed a leader on that carebear team

I also think that I need to keep all bad spellings and grammer. That way Olivia will know it’s really me (*SEE)

Jane: How much do I lovethat my Mama calls Jillian, Jill. Bless her heart. She called me as I was leaving work and she kept talking about “Jill”. Hhaha

OLIVIA!

Lula: Look at her apron!

Jane: Betty Crocker O

Lula: BETTY CROCKER.

Jane: They called her OB

Love it!

Lula: MAMA OLIVIA and her SIX GIRLS! Bless it.

Jane: Bless it. Hummus…I wants it

Spin Bike YES

Lula: “WHAT WOULD A MOM DO?” And now Obird is gonna make me cry. Because we know. WE KNOW.

I am screaming. Please love me through it.

Jane: She will be the greatst Mama, WE KNOW

Lula: WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

See! We KNOW!

WE KNOW THIS, JANET. Oh, dear God. Let’s just cry now.

(apparant crying ensues)

Jane: Is it wrong that I want to yawn now?

Lula: NO. That they kept Kaylee (however you spell it) when she lost only 1 pound and sent Arthur home is RUDE.

(Marta just tweeted something awesome–we need to quote her.)* (* Never did find out what that was. LIVE blogging is fast)

Jane: RUDE

I just told off Chris Weitz on Twitter. He tweets now Olivia and he kind of loses control. Doesn’t he know the Team Purple show is on?

Jane – I must confess, I’ve called out for back up. I am still catching up with the past posts and still enjoying every minute of re-watching your show. But sometimes, you gotta call in the pinch hitter. Hence, Ms. (@_Freya, Meya) is taking over this evening and making my posting of tonight’s/last night’s show appear on time. #GOHER

The Biggest Loser Episode 9

A.K.A. The Importance of Family

A.K.A. Two Hours of Straight Crying

A.K.A. My Friend Olivia is HOT and I Want To Squeeze the HECK Out of Her

A.K.A. Find Me Someone Who is NOT Inspired by Hannah

A.K.A. Oliva + Ben = 4Ever

A.K.A Austin’s Friends are A-Holes

The subtitles never end with this one. I’ve been waiting for this episode forever. If you didn’t figure out the fact that these episodes were filmed months ago, then you haven’t watched enough reality TV. So I knew that the Biggest Loser contestants were home for two weeks around Christmas. I even got to chat with my girl Olivia online while she was at home, but I know she spent those two weeks spinning her ASS off. So it was good to see this episode.

When this episode began, I was finishing up watching RuPaul’s Drag Race. Oh, yes, I went there. That’s why I have the DVR. So my first question about this episode is why my DVR still has a picture of Sabrina The Teenage Witch’s aunt as the host of the show instead of the gorgeous Ali Sweeney? That’s just not right.

Of course, Ali Sweeney is bringing the “I’m bringing the PAIN” look at the beginning of the show. But instead of the usual “You’re going to be set loose in a raging river of chocolate being chased by piranhas and you need to swim a mile in under 10 minutes” she has GOOD NEWS! All the contestants are going home for two whole weeks!

Do we like the new Biggest Loser uniforms?

But then she drops the hammer—this isn’t a holiday, y’all. This is just your training ground for competing in a 5K when you get back! Have fun!

Olivia has some trepidation about her relationships. She knows that she’s made some big changes in her life, and wants to be supported and understood in all of her relationships. Pssh, girl, I could have told you you’ve got everyone on your side! No worries!

Then we get to see how great they look out of their sports bras and bike shorts and in real clothes instead! Mini-makeovers for everyone! Might I just say, first of all, Olivia is a HOT PIECE, and her hair looks fantastic. And Hannah is looking particularly hourglassy with some fab legs.

Every family and friend reunion is special, but of course Hannah and Olivia’s are the best. Their daddy makes me smile, a LOT. He says it’s like seeing a new Hannah. Everybody looks absolutely gobsmacked at Hannah’s hot new bod.

In between the sisters’ homecomings, I was especially touched by Arthur’s homecoming. He’s at his daughter’s school for his big reveal, and he tells about being afraid to take his daughter to school, not wanting to embarrass her. And his daughter held her head high, held his hand, and took him right into her school because she loves him. You can tell that he’s working hard to give her so many reasons to be proud.

Cut back to Olivia. If one thing is agreed among our friends, it is that she and Ben make marriage look GOOD. You can tell that they only have eyes for each other from the moment she walks in the room. And they are a sight for each other! Ben has lost 57 lbs since Olivia left for the Ranch. Of course my favorite bit is where Obird asks how much he’s lost, and he replies 57, and she crows “I lost 59! HA!” That’s my girl.

Yes, I found a pic of a girl in purple beating a boy at wrestling. #winner

More families loving on their Big Losers, then on to the commercials. As I fast-forward my DVR, I wonder: Why on earth is there a commercial for the Next Greatest Restaurant during the Biggest Loser? It just seems wrong to be talking about “grilled cheese for grown-ups” during a weight-loss show.

Courtney’s back at the DQ after the commercials, and is making the right choices. Arthur and Jesse have a heart-to-heart about the emotional roots of Arthur’s gain.

I’d like to diverge from the all-important topic of the Purps to talk about what major d-bags Austin’s friends are. Austin’s lost almost 100 lbs. He’s a pale as a fish’s belly, true, but a good guy, overall. His D & D buddies (I’m just assuming here) have all come out for a bowling party for his 21st birthday! Happy birthday, buddy! Here, here are cheese fries and cheesecake! Umm…a-holes. They all stand around gawping at him, almost daring him to take a bite. Offering him the first slice. Tempting him. How very supportive, friends! It almost has Austin believing that “I deserve a rest, don’t I?” It’s like a drug addict going back to his dealers for a party. One of his friends kind of mutters (after Austin holds strong & doesn’t eat the food) “I feel bad.” Yeah, you should, dickweed.

Moving on…and back to Astoria! Holla, Queens! Olivia takes the massive journey from her home neighborhood to Central Park for a little run with Ben. He’s always been a runner, and now she can join him! And I softly “squeeeeee” a little inside at their cuteness.

Kaylee continues to make me think that she’s totally ready to go home. She’s turning into a slip of a girl, and her take-charge attitude working out her family shows that she’s learned a lot.

Hannah was all over that court and in black. See Picture above.

Back in Nashy with Hannah, she faces the gym with her parents—specifically the volleyball court. After her sports-career ending injury, this is a challenge for her. She’s not getting into the groove very easily, and her doubts seem to be building up. Fortunately, some positive self-talk helps her out. She says “Give yourself a little credit, Hannah. Who cares if people are watching? Who cares if I mess up?” And once again she’s taking my heart by storm. I love that attitude! She gets her v-ball sass back, and even practices with her dad. Her relationship with her dad made me bawl again, as she says “It’s my favorite thing in the whole world when my dad is proud of me.” Yay, Daddy Curlee! We heart you.

Time to go back to the Ranch! They know about the 5k, but the stakes are news—it’s the same as their very first challenge—choose your trainers again! My first reaction is in all caps—THEY (Purple Team) HAVE TO STAY WITH BOB AND JILLIAN! I begin to panic a little. I know that working with Bob and Jillian has been key to their success so far, and they love those trainers with all their heart. So now I’m really rooting for them to be in the first seven finishers—those who decide their own fate.

We get a quick “Fitness Tip” with Bret and Kara. They make “taco muffins”. It reminds me again why I love Bob and Jillian. Kara looks like she’s going to vom up the taco muffin even as she says “so good!”

Justin and Rulon are dominating again. First to 1k, first to 2k. These are manual treadmills, and they kick people’s butts pretty fast. Sarah is dilly-dallying on the treadmill, because she’s decided she doesn’t want to choose. She wants to leave her fate up to…well, fate. She’s worked with all of the trainers, and feels like she could be with either team.

Lots of gratuitous steaming and sweating shots. Like, I felt I might need to towel down just from watching. Justin and Rulon finish first and second, then Kaylee in third, Jen in fourth, Austin in fifth, Marcie in sixth, and I SCREAMED when Olivia came in seventh (with the last position of control!). Hannah was close on her heels with eighth place.

The last place battle was the worst to watch. Arthur was working as hard as he could. He was pushing so hard. Sarah suddenly decides to care, and puts on the power, just edging out Arthur. He almost doesn’t finish, but his whole team pushes him to not be a quitter. Which is why I love team Black.

Can we talk about the weigh-in? About the fact that Bob and Jillian are both in LEATHUH? Like a couple of extras from Grease? Loving it. They are so badass. And Bob in the skinny tie—I die.

Bob and Jillian's next roles on NBC reality TV, GREASE LIVE!

The trainer choices are pretty predictable—until Jen comes out. Jen jumps ship from Bret and Kara to get Bob and Jillian back. Smart choice. Then Hannah comes out with a SHOCKER—she wants to train with Bret and Kara! Bob and Jillian look like they just got slapped in the face. But of course, it’s a fake-out—Hannah has her black sports bra on and isn’t going anywhere. Jillian’s reaction is classic: “I’m going to punch you out! Get in line! Not funny!” Oh, but it was, Jillian. It was HILARIOUS. Score one for Hannah!

Sarah is the deciding factor—if she chooses Black, Arthur will go to Red team, where he has no alliances. Biggest Loser pulls its usual cockblocking junk, and leaves us on a cliffhanger. Of course, this is where I run out of fast-forwarding time, and have to stick it out through the commercials to find out that, indeed, Sarah kicks Arthur over to the red team.

Black team kicks ASS on the weigh-in. Everyone makes double-digits, and Olivia’s 12 lb weight loss puts in her the glorious ONEderland! Under 200 lbs for our girl! I know she was in triple spin classes at NYC over the break, so she earned it! Hannah loses 11 lbs, too! For an all-girls team, they pull amazing numbers!

Then it’s Red team time, and I feel kind of disloyal at this point, because I kind of want them to lose more weight. Like Marcie, I feel torn, because Arthur needs to be on the Ranch so much! And if Red wins, they don’t have to get rid of him. But it is not meant to be. Ken, Moses, Kaylee and Justin only lose single digits. Ken and Austin both admit that being home was “stressful” (well, no doubt with your a-hole friends, Austin!). Arthur is shooting for immunity by being the biggest loser of the week, but he has to lose 18 lbs to make that happen. Unfortunately, he is 2 lbs short of that goal. Rulon is the biggest loser that week. (By the way, why is this the first episode in which I’ve noticed his cauliflower ear? I don’t think I’ll be able to look at anything else anymore.)

Again, Bob and Jillian react in a way that makes me love them more. While Arthur says that he’ll do his best at home, Jillian LOSES IT. She screams “Fight, PLEASE! We have fought for you to be here!” Bob pleads for Arthur, saying that it is not that important to play the game, when this is a matter of life and death for Arthur, that Arthur is exactly the person Biggest Loser was made for.

Dear Justin, This Pic's for you. Hugs, DTP

While Red team gives lip service to “thinking about” keeping Arthur, predictably, they stick by their alliances and vote him off. Justin’s speech about “I don’t feel like I can be the judge of who needs to be here the most” is absolute BULL. A professional just BEGGED for him to stay, saying it’s life and death! Can’t you SEE for yourself? Kaylee could go home, easily. Her weight-loss is slowing. But instead, they choose Arthur to go. And I’m angry.

Catching up with Arthur, we see him at 345 lbs! This is 300 lbs down from his highest weight, and he’s working out twice a day and eating healthfully. He is determined to win the at-home prize, and I wish him luck.