So there are a lot of things people warned me about when I was about to become a mom. Some of those things were:

How hard breastfeeding is.

How you will learn to function on 2 hours of sleep.

How you will always worry.

To be prepare for your infant to poop/pee/barf on you.

How you will never, ever sleep again. Ever.

We’ve made it through my child’s infancy and the first year of toddlerhood. Now that we are well into toddlerhood and Nellie is about to hit her preschooler phase, we’ve been faced with the hardest challenge yet, and that’s potty training. There are some things people (kind of ) warned me about potty training:

It will be frustrating.

It will be hard.

It will make you want to pull your hair out.

Your child won’t do it until they are ready.

But do you know what no one told me? Not a single fucking person?

That my child would shit on the floor. Repeatedly.

For the past week or so my daughter has waited until bedtime, liberated herself of her Pull-Up, and shit on the floor of her bedroom. The first time, she just cried for us. We opened the door to her standing and pointing, yelling, “LOOK, MAMA. LOOK WHAT HAPPEN”. It was all over her hands, smeared into the carpet, and on the walls. We frantically worked as a team to get everything cleaned up; me taking the shit-covered child and Josh dealing with the clean-up of her bedroom. While standing in the bathroom as I ran the bathtub, she got excited that she got to take a bath and began clapping her hands together while I frantically tried to get her to stop without barfing.

Look what happen in-fucking-deed.

After about a week of that, she began to (kind of) put 2+2 together and realized that her poop goes in the toilet. So instead of squalling for us and pointing at her feces, she decided she would – literally – take matters into her own hands. And by matters, I mean HER SHIT. She’d scoop it up in her little hands, quietly open the door to her bedroom and sneak out into the hallway to bestow her gift unto the porcelain gods. Then she would come back into the living room and announce, “I put my poop in the potty! …..It on my hands…”

Sunday night’s debacle was particularly trying. It had gone on for over a week, and I’ve walked a thin line between wanting to clearly convey to her that what she’s doing isn’t acceptable without shaming her. I have kept a very neutral tone and face, and have said things like:

I’m disappointed that you took your Pull-Up off instead of coming to us and telling us you pooped.

I wish you had sat on the potty and pooped.

Please do NOT take your Pull-Up off again. Come tell us if you poop.

While inside my head, it’s really more like:

MOTHER. FUCKER. AGAIN? REALLY?!

IF YOU KEEP CRAPPING ON YOUR FLOOR, YOUR ROOM IS GOING TO SMELL LIKE A ZOO.

Her little incidents have only happened at bedtime, so I’ve dubbed her the Midnight Crapper. Josh calls her the Shit Giver. We’re both hoping that this is just a phase and that SOON, she will learn that yes, her poop goes in the potty. Just not the way she has done it.

Poop In the Potty: UR DOING IT WRONG.

Parents: What the eff am I supposed to do to remedy this? Wait it out? Should I be more firm? WHY DOES MY CHILD NOT CARE THAT SHE HAS CRAP ON HER EVERYTHING?

A few months ago I wrote this post about potty training Nellie. I bitched and moaned about how frustrating it was, wondered aloud if it was too soon and if we should just wait, and called Llama Llama an asshole. Because he kind of is one.

At the time of that post, we had really only scratched the surface with potty training. Little did I know how frustrating it would become once we jumped right in and committed to getting it done. Let me tell you this now: Potty training is, hands-down, THE most frustrating I’ve ever had to deal with as a parent. Like, WORST. EVER. My kid is stubborn (don’t know where she gets it), a little sensitive, and cute as shit so it’s hard to stay annoyed. And also you don’t WANT to be annoyed at them with this, because making potty training a negative experience will most likely make them fail at everything forever in life and during their graduation speech they will be like WELL I COULD HAVE BEEN VALEDICTORIAN, BUT MY MOM LOOKED AT ME FUNNY ONE TIME WHEN I WAS POTTY TRAINING AND I’VE NEVER BEEN THE SAME SINCE.

Parenthood: You will fuck up, guaranteed. Have fun!

I wish I had some wise or clever tips for how we got Nellie pee-trained but I don’t have anything for you. One day after constant accidents and meltdowns over just sitting on the toilet, we sent her to school in panties and BAM. No more accidents. She just up and decided she could pee in the toilet. Yay! Parade! GIVE ME SOME DAMN CANDY. I don’t know why I thought this would be any different than any other milestone in her life. She has ALWAYS done things HER way, when she was damn well ready.

She’s had one regression that lasted about three days which prompted a visit to the doctor’s office to make sure she didn’t have a UTI or anything like that. During the regression she pissed all over my in-laws’ rug, which was really a bummer because that rug really tied the room together.

We are still struggling with poop training. She went once yesterday and I cheered and clapped like a drunk cheerleader at a pep rally. We haven’t even attempted nighttime training yet. As for me? Well, I have seen new and exciting bathrooms that I’ve never visited before thanks to my toddler’s new skill. We patronized the bathroom to the local T.G.I.Friday’s three times in one visit the other night. Three! I haven’t gone to a public restroom that frequently since my days of getting super drunk and vomiting in public restrooms at family restaurants. Fun times.

If I could give one piece of advice to parents of potty-training toddlers, it would be this:

Give up all sense that you are in control here, because you aren’t. They will piss and poop on that damn thing when they are good and ready. In the meantime, buy them lots of candy and stickers, get ready to dance and clap and squeal like a crazy person when they DO make it in the potty, buy yourself some vodka, and have a seat on the floor of your bathroom because you’re probably going to be there for a while.

A few days after venting my frustration toward my daughter’s lack of toilet motivation, Pull-Ups contacted me with some encouragement which was just awesome. She sent me a cool infographic about potty training, and asked if I’d like some special Disney character Pull-Ups to help get Nellie excited about potty training.

I got my Potty Break Package last weekend and when I opened up, I was absolutely floored! Not only did they send me two packs of Pull-Ups, but they also added a Cinderella Pull-Ups Potty Timer, a reward chart with Disney Princesses on it, Minnie Mouse stickers to go along with the chart, AND a $25 American Express gift card to spend on potty training supplies! As soon as I pulled the Cinderella watch it out of the box, Nellie was practically dancing around me with excitement.

She wore her “potty watch” for the rest of the night and is so proud of it. Her potty chart is great – it’s divided into five categories (pulled pants down, sat on potty, etc) separated by different Disney Princesses, and each category has several spots to place stickers when they complete the task! Nellie’s chart is almost full.. Well, minus actually peeing on the potty.. We haven’t gotten there yet. But the chart is helping to motivate her where she didn’t really care before, and the watch is DEFINITELY helping. She is also always asking me to wear her “big girl Pull-Ups” with Cinderella on them.

Pull-Ups’ website has a lot of great resources for potty training for all stages of the potty-training process! They have a community of parents for support, great tips and tricks for potty training, and they even have a very special way to help get your child excited for potty training: an encouraging phone call from a Disney character! We haven’t set up Nellie’s Cinderella call yet, but we will be doing it soon. I know she’s going to be super excited.

Pull-Ups has generously offered to host a giveaway here, and one lucky reader will win a Pull-Ups Potty Break Package containing:

A pack of Pull-Ups Training Pants with either Cars 2 or Cinderella & Minnie Mouse designs

And remember, everyone can visit Pull-Ups’ website and check our their great potty training resources, tips, tricks, and schedule a special phone call from a Disney character to motivate and encourage them!

Nellie will be 2 ½ in July and is completely and utterly uninterested in potty training and all things having to do with the potty. Everything I’ve read says don’t push, wait ‘till they’re ready. Don’t worry, they won’t go to kindergarten in diapers! You’ll turn them into an anal retentive, shotgun-wielding maniac if you push them to use the potty before they’re ready. Not to mention it can cause bladder infections and a multitude of other problems.

So everything I’m reading/hearing/making up in my head because I’m crazy seems to point to the “don’t worry, it’ll happen when she’s ready” but HOLY FUCK KID, I AM READY FOR YOU TO USE THE DAMN POTTY.

We have tried gently suggesting:Us: “Hey Nellie, would you like to use the potty?”Her: “Nope.”

We have tried being REALLY EXCITED about it:Us: “OMG! NELLIE! USING THE POTTY IS THE GREATEST EVER. LOOK. MOMMY IS PEEING ON THE POTTY RIGHT. NOW. Don’t you want to be JUST. LIKE. MOMMY?”Her: “Nope.”

We have tried being REALLY EXCITED and talking about all the AWESOME PEOPLE who use the potty:Us: “Nellie, did you know that Spider-Man uses the potty? And Thor? And I’ll bet Rapunzel uses the potty, too.”Her: “Who else uses potty, Mama?”
*getting excited. Uses more enthusiasm*Us: “Well, daddy uses the potty! Gran uses the potty! Pop uses the potty! Tiana and Belle use the potty! IRON MAN USES THE POTTY. Don’t you want to be a big kid that uses the potty, too?”Her: “Nope.”

FUCK.

We bought her big girl panties. They have Disney princesses on them. She chose them herself. Woo! Sirens and bells and whistles THROW A PARADE, IT’S UNDERPANTS, PEOPLE.

She wants to wear them, sure.

OVER her diaper.

We tried picking a special potty book – a book she only got read to her when she was sitting on the potty like a big girl. The result of that was ten repeated readings of “Llama Llama Mad At Mama” (and no pee pee), which is cute the first time but right around the ninth reading I wanted to take that little drama queen llama and throw him into a wood chipper. STOP THROWING PASTA YOU LITTLE ASSHOLE.

We haven’t tried a reward chart yet, but that’s probably my next plan of attack. Her teachers at daycare keep casually asking us if we’ve tried potty training at home yet. I always shake my head and explain that we feel she’s just not really ready, and we’re trying not to push it. Her teachers are totally understanding and assure us there’s no big rush, but HOLY FUCK KID JUST USE THE POTTY.

What do you think? At 2 ½, should we be a little more aggressive, or is it still a little early for that just yet? Should I paint the toilet seat like Elmo’s face? Or will that just teach her to take a leak on every Elmo she sees?

….That last one’s actually not a bad idea. TAKE THAT YOU ANNOYING RED BASTARD.