Prisoners react badly to loss of voting rights

Parliament’s decision to refuse MPs the right to vote has been met with disappointment among the ranks of the serving prisoner population. The prime minister announced that the UK took the view that this was ‘Human Rights gone mad’ and that the country will stand proudly with our natural partner, Belarus, in refusing prisoners the vote.

Prisoner officers were also disappointed with the news. A spokesman told reporters ‘There is a real problem with the pent-up frustration felt by those prisoners who are denied the right to take part in the democratic process. When they are on the outside they can engage in democratic debate in a number of ways (although they usually pay for it around Kings Cross station), and thus exorcise their frustrations. Inside, they often take another younger, good looking prisoner and enter into what some might regard as an unnatural relationship to satisfy their democratic desires. You must understand that some of these prisoners have not seen a democratically elected representative of any political party for a number of years, and some of them will not think twice about dragging someone into their cell to vigorously debate matters of foreign policy and the effect of planning policy on the development of green belt land. It is not ideal that such relationships exist, but it is better than the anarchy that would ensue if we permitted the unrestrained venting of political frustration. We had hoped that parliament would help us with this problem. It seems that they won’t.

Some prisoners have decided to stage their own protests in response to the vote. John ‘Chopper’ Harris has started a week long dirty protest in his cell in HMP Wandsworth. ‘Who is going to listen to my concerns about the current fiscal policy of this government?’ he smeared on his cell wall, ‘I have many positive suggestions for economic development that are not just dependent on state funded infrastructure projects. This decision is a stain on democracy, and I'm not talking about my cell or the brown ink I used on all the letters I sent to my MP.'