Never, never insult dogs or veterans

Thursday

Aug 29, 2013 at 6:00 AM

By Dianne Williamson

I am not, technically, a high-powered public relations professional. But I would nonetheless like to offer my services to Russell Ireland, the diner owner from Oxford who's in the doghouse over his treatment of a veteran.

Granted, Ireland made a huge mistake when he tossed a retired Air Force master sergeant and his service dog out of his diner. It was a bone-headed move and the media latched on to it like ticks to a canine, because nothing gets our juices flowing faster than the opportunity to shed light on injustice, unless it's bemoaning the backside of Miley Cyrus in a thoughtful feature story that details, with many pictures, how she has achieved her destiny of becoming a tasteless strumpet.

To make matters worse, Ireland managed to insult two of the most revered species on the planet — United States veterans and pets, and not necessarily in that order. Had Ireland tossed an infant into a trash can, or set fire to a fluffy kitten, he couldn't have done worse damage to his business and reputation.

But Ireland had no way of knowing that. This misguided man from a small New England town was exercising what he believed were his rights on Saturday when he booted James Glaser and his Jack Russell terrier from Big I's restaurant in Oxford, saying he didn't believe Jack was actually a service dog because he had misbehaved during an earlier visit.

"Get that fake service dog out of my restaurant!" Ireland was quoted as saying. When the veteran tried to prove that Jack was indeed a legitimate service dog for his war-related PTSD, Ireland reportedly said, "I don't give a (bad word). I don't have time for that. Get out of my restaurant."

Since then, Ireland has only made matters worse by speaking his mind, which is a big no-no, as people who screw up in public should never, ever say what they're actually thinking, and should in fact never speak at all without the aid of a high-powered public relations professional, because we can't handle frank and honest dialogue anymore. We're not used to it. Instead, we're waiting for Ireland's spokesman to issue one of the following statements:

"Mr. Ireland's words were taken out of context. While Mr. Glaser thought he heard my client say, 'Get that fake service dog out of my restaurant,' he was actually saying, 'Let's make that nervous dog a biscuit!' "

Or this: "My client misspoke when he called Jack a 'regular mutt' and scoffed at the need of a service dog for people with emotional injuries. He also misspoke when he asked Channel 7, 'How much emotional support do you need when you are eating breakfast?' My client was under the influence of a powerful painkiller prescribed after he was mauled by a pack of Russell terriers while volunteering at an animal shelter."

Or this: "Mr. Ireland plans to check himself in to a treatment facility for people who insist on expressing opinions in public without first consulting a pollster. No one educated him about this issue. He's a victim, too."

Or, "You didn't hear it from me, but this veteran has a profile picture on his Facebook page showing what appears to be a Chihuahua doing his business on a photograph of President Barack Obama."

This happens to be true; perhaps it's another form of therapy. Speaking of Facebook, a page calling for a boycott of Big I's had over 32,000 "likes" by Wednesday afternoon. Meanwhile, Ireland has received death threats and obscene phone calls from many patriotic Americans. He has since apologized.

"I know I'm not a very eloquent guy," he said. "But the next time? I will handle it very differently."