3/06/2007

When I am King: Escapegoat

In my kingdom, people will always have someone to blame for their problems.

When things have gone horribly wrong and you feel awful, what's the one thing that can possibly make it worse? That it's all your fault.

It's a terrible feeling. Besides having an entire situation be in a shambles, you now have the humiliation of having caused it all. And you know that everyone else knows it, too.

You leave work, go home, shave your head, change your name, move to a hermit's shed in a dismal, rainy country, and still wake up every morning a know that it was all your fault.

How much better would our lives be if we could just blame someone else? Sure, the same things would still be broken, but at least it wouldn't all be so darned humiliating.

My administration will jump-start a new industry: Scapegoating. These will be individuals for hire that can be blamed for anything. Break a dish? Blame your scapegoat. Rear-end someone? Blame your scapegoat. Start a forest fire? Blame your scapegoat.

Of course, these members of the Scapegoat Guild will not be legally liable for any of these problems they are blamed for; you will still be responsible for any damages. But think how much better you'll feel if you can always point the finger and say, “It wasn't my fault. It was his.”

Imagine how useful this will be in society. Politicians can hire scapegoats to deflect accusations on the campaign trail. Celebrities can blame their scapegoats when they say stupid things. Every day. Children can feel more self-confident by blaming their mini scapegoats for poor test scores.

Senior members of the scapegoat profession can take on increasing loads of blame that extend beyond any single act or person. For example, governments may hire individuals or entire groups that can be blamed for wars, the state of the economy, and inflation. Congress may hire scapegoats to take the blame for bills that are either passed or defeated. Nations can hire them to take the rap for the environment. Religions might hire scapegoats to pin Original Sin upon. And the entire world may unite in hiring scapegoats to take the fall for everything else.

Life will be so much better and we can all rest easier when we know that it's someone else constantly screwing up, and not us.

About Me

I'm a software geek, working at Google, making Android graphics and animation more excellent. In previous lives I've worked at Sun on the JDK, at Adobe on Flex, and various other places in Silicon Valley, always working on graphics software.

In my copious spare time, I write. I write humor on my blog Enough About You... along with my G+ stream at google.com/+ChetHaase and on Twitter via @chethaase. I also occasionally post technical articles on CodeDependent. I co-wrote the book Filthy Rich Clients with Romain Guy, wrote another programming book Flex 4 Fun about Flex graphics and animation, and wrote humor books Round and Holy, When I am King.... and the long-anticipated sequel, When I am King... II. Like women and childbirth, I eventually forget the pain of the process of writing a book, and will probably make the mistake of writing another one eventually. As soon as the scars from the last one heal.

I also have developed a strange and disturbing attraction to the microphone. Any microphone. You may find me giving a technical talk at a developer conference or user group, or doing some standup or improv in a comedy show. I've also been seen in videos ("You may know me from such hits as DevBytes..."), either work-related or posted on my comedy blog and YouTube channel.

None of what I write in my blogs, on Google+, or anywhere else has anything to do with my employer; they're just my thoughts, my jokes, my mistakes.