The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer.

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a Delta Force marathon on Satellite TV.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Who is this poor girl?

Disclaimer...

Let me make this perfectly clear...Names, ages, genders, locations, hospitals... All fake. Totally and completely fake. Any similarity to any event that's ever taken place in the history of man is purely coincidence. My thoughts, beliefs, etc. are my own and may or may not be the thoughts, beliefs, etc., of my employer, my school, or anyone I know.