I chronicle nonsense, mostly about the news, sometimes about pop culture. If you don't think it's nonsensical, then yell at me in the comments.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

@Almost_Tuesday Archive 09/12: The Magic Elixir!

I don't write as much as I used to on this blog, mostly because I write for my friend's radio show, Almost Tuesday. You can listen to us live on 104.3FM (if you live in Rochester) or at wayofm.org, Every Monday night at 9:00pm EST, or check out the MixCloud.com page for archived shows.

In this episode, I discuss a new drink that I discovered. Read on and listen to my clip here.

CHRIS: I found a new all natural drink that is delicious, and it makes you feel rejuvenated! I’m selling it in droves.

WOODY: Well, congratulations. That sounds very interesting. What exactly is in it?

CHRIS: It’s actually only one ingredient. I brought a case. Here’s a sample bottle!

WOODY: Whoa, hold on, Chris. We can’t have alcohol in the studio! Those look like little vodka bottles.

CHRIS: No worries; There is no alcohol in it. Like I said, it’s just one ingredient. I will admit though, it is pretty intoxicating.

WOODY: Well, if it’s not alcohol, why’s it in such a tiny shot bottle? Is it like a 5-Hour Energy or something?

CHRIS: Hm...I guess it could be described like that. Here. Have a sample.

WOODY: [AFTER SAMPLING] Well...It tastes kind of salty, but at the same time, it’s very sweet. I’m not sure I get what’s happening...

KARA: Oh my God, this may be the most delicious thing I’ve had all day. I need more!

MALCOLM: Yeah, this must be what drinking heaven is like! How is this just one ingredient? What is this?

CHRIS: It’s a delectable little drink I like to call “White Male Tears”.

[KARA AND MALCOLM WHISPER THE PHRASE: WHITE MALE TEARS]

WOODY: White Male Tears? [WHITE MALE TEARS] Is that named after a spring or river where you bottled it?

CHRIS: Well, it IS named after the source, but it’s not a river or spring.

WOODY: Well then where can it be from?

CHRIS: They’re actual tears. I first noticed them when the it was announced that there would be a black Spider-Man. There was a stream of tears flowing from the ducts of straight white men who bristle at the advent of diversity or change in their old fiction and sci-fi canons.

CHRIS: Yes, but I was not sure how they would taste. It wasn’t until Marvel announced that the next Thor would be a woman that I dared try to drink White Male Tears [WHITE MALE TEARS], and try, I did! And they were delicious!

KARA: You’re telling me! I could drink this all day!

CHRIS: Careful, Kara! You don’t want to get to drunk on the whiny smugness.

WOODY: So, how on earth do you collect the White Male Tears? [WHITE MALE TEARS]

CHRIS: I just wait for news of some popular cultural icon in geekdom to be remade in a more diverse vision, and then wait with a tiny funnel at my local comic book store or movie theater! It’s really easy.

WOODY: That seems like a hassle.

CHRIS: Oh, it’s not a hassle at all! I collected my first batch when white men were complaining about the new Star Wars having a woman, a black guy, and a Latino as the main characters. They threatened to boycott the movie; they talked about an “overzealous PC culture”, and some even claimed it was proof of white [WHITE M-] NOT YET! Of “white genocide”. That batch was extra salty sweet, because it mixed sexism AND racism together! I have to say, those were some tasty bottles of White Male Tears...I SAID...Those were some tasty bottles of White Male Tears.

KARA: Oh, now? Sorry. [WHITE MALE TEARS]

WOODY: Well, I guess that sounds easy enough, but don’t know how lucrative that would be. I mean, Hollywood and geek culture still doesn’t do that well with diversity in the first place. That’s why it’s always news when a big name character is portrayed as a woman or person of color. It sounds like you’d have to always be on the lookout for news of Hollywood trying to diversify.

CHRIS: Oh, don’t worry! I hit a payload. You should have seen the gallons I collected when the all female Ghostbusters was announced. And then when it opened, I collected enough to rehydrate the State of California! I was nearly swimming in White Male Tears! [WHITE MALE TEARS]. If there’s a lull, I have plenty in reserve.

WOODY: They don’t go bad?

CHRIS: Not at all! In fact, the longer they sit on the shelf, they get a little bit of a sour taste to them. I store them in front of a news article about the black woman scientists to keep them in pique condition.

WOODY: But a lot of studios and publishers are starting to listen to their audiences and bringing in diverse backgrounds to create books and movies. What’s going to happen when geek and showbiz culture get more accepting of changes?

KARA, CHRIS, & MALCOLM LOOK AT EACH OTHER: HAHAHAHAHA!

Malcolm: Octavia Butler had a crossover success with her sci-fi books, all the way back from the 1970s up to her death in 2006, and publishers STILL acted like people of color didn’t belong in Sci-Fi.

CHRIS: Yeah. Even if a unicorn flew out of my butt and Hollywood and the publishing world got completely inclusive, I have some backup sources.

WOODY: What backup sources?

CHRIS: Well, I went to a Trump rally, and a lot of people were talking about how Brown Group X was taking over the country and Group Y didn’t belong in office. Their fear produced a special limited edition White Male Tears Supreme. [WHITE MALE TEARS, Then Kara says, Supreme!]

CHRIS: Also, there is a whole army of people who claim that history books and movies that highlight the achievements of people of color, women, and even LGBT people, are either “re-writing history” or attempts at erasing white men’s achievements. I’m bottling those whines of sorrow as White Male Tears Classic. [WHITE MALE TEARS, Then Malcolm in a deep voice: Classic]

CHRIS: Also, any time someone misrepresents Affirmative Action as taking away people’s jobs, or when they bristle at having a black or female boss, or if they say that a company is being “Politically correct” because they have a woman CEO, I have White Male Tears On The Go! [WHITE MALE TEARS, THen Kara says: On the Go]

WOODY: Well, I guess you’ve got this all figured out. Well, I hope this goes well for you.

CHRIS: I don’t. If more people would this a little bit outside of their social boxes, we’d be in a lot better shape. But until then, I’m going to go dress up as black version of Flash and start a rumor. Drink up all those White Male Tears! [WHITE MALE TEARS]

I also strongly suggest you listen to the whole show. We had a lot of fun! Listen at your pleasure.