How To Support A Friend Or Relative Who's Trying To Come Out Of The Closet

In the average Indian living room, conversations about homosexuality are either non-existent or used for insulting someone. Gay people continue to be treated as aliens who have nothing to do with “us.” This othering is a part of the systemic segregation of queer people from those of us living our socially-sanctioned, heteronormative lives. Whether you’re a Hindu or Muslim, a north Indian or south Indian, rich or poor--there’s one thing that unifies you in India, and that is regressive chauvinism characterised by: “Humaare samaaj mein aisa nahi hota. Ye sab bahaar se aaya hai. Ye humare sanskaar, humaari sanskriti nahi hai.” You can change the language a little, but nearly everyone’s immediate reaction to homosexuality is that it is “not our culture”--the one thing that brings India together as much as misogyny and cricket.

But within this India, there is the closeted gay uncle married to a woman. There is the lesbian mausi living with her “friend” as a “spinster” for years. There is that effeminate cousin who does a better “Kajra Re” than Aishwarya Rai herself, but to his parents’ embarrassment. There is the teenager who is made fun of by her female classmates for being a “lesbo.” Who is to say that their culture is not as Indian?

As straight people, we are in a position of power due to our orientation being the norm. We, therefore, have the responsibility of being allies to our queer friends, cousins, siblings, and more. When the whole world is hell-bent on quashing their identity like it’s a dirty secret, it’s our job to make sure they have the support necessary to feel safe and not vulnerable while wearing their queerness with pride or while coming to terms with their identity in a society which treats it as taboo. There are many things we can do in this regard.

Speak out when you hear parents or relatives deriding queer people, especially in front of them

When you’re conflicted about your identity, hearing people you love and grew up with insulting it does no good. It makes you question your own worth. Don’t let your queer loved ones go through that. If you hear someone being homophobic, don’t be complicit and condone it. Call them out and defend the LGBTQIA+ community. It’s the least you can do.

Normalise homosexuality in your circle by treating it as you would heterosexuality

For friends and family to warm up to ideas that they consider odd, normalising it is important. Watch movies about queer romances with your parents. Talk about homosexual celebrity couples who are out like you would about Deepika and Ranveer. Watch a lot of Ellen. Give your circle exposure to queer culture so that they realise that it is as normal as being straight.

Lend an ear and be their shoulder to cry on when need be

Sometimes a non-judgemental person to talk to is all one needs. Your LGBTQIA+ friends have probably already been made to feel weird about who they are, and don’t need more dissuasion about being their unapologetic selves from you too. So, how about you let them unload on you once in a while without interrupting them, and actually listen?

Those who are in the closet have very few people they can speak openly to about their fears and experiences, making them feel very lonely and isolated. Often, that feeling is what leads to suffocating mental health issues for queer people.

Cover for them

You cannot be honest about yourself if people aren’t ready for you to be your true self. That’s why queer people can’t always live their lives unapologetically. So, if you have the chance to help them have opportunities in that regard, be a good friend and cover for them. Whether it is Rajkumar Rao’s character in Ek Ladki Ko Dekha To Aisa Laga or Betty Cooper in Riverdale, there are many good examples of how to provide a safe space for your queer friend in pop culture too.

Stop yourself and others from forcing them to come out

Not everyone is ready to face society as a queer person, because society isn’t exactly forgiving to queer people. Everyone has a different story and different reasons. Give them the safe space and emotional security to come out in their own time, when they feel up to it. Nobody deserves to be outed when they aren’t ready, and it is not your truth to tell. They have all the right to be unsure, un-ready, and do what they want with their lives.

Don’t ask stupid and/or offensive questions about marriage or babies

People who haven’t come out aren’t in need of more reasons to stay in the closet. They need an environment in which they feel comfortable coming out. So, reminders of what they’ll lose out on if they don’t act straight, get married, and have kids, are not needed.

“Don’t you want to have kids?” is not something your queer friend needs to hear. Someone can’t just disregard their identity for the sake of having a conventional marriage and children resulting from it. Besides, there are many ways to become parents, ranging from surrogacy to adoption. Don’t be a discouraging and pessimistic jerk under the guise of being a “voice of reason.”

If they need shelter, provide that for them

Sometimes, people who are in the process of coming out are met with hostile family members who oust them from their homes. That’s why so many queer people end up homeless or couch-surfing. If they need the comfort of a home and you can provide that to them, then why not?

Remind them they don’t have to please other people and that you’re there for them

There is such a thing as a “chosen family” for many queer people who are disowned after coming out. Be that for them. Remind them that you and other loved ones are there for them even if many others aren’t. There will be people they will meet along the way who will become their family, so there’s no reason to change themselves for the sake of those who don’t want to understand.