ARA: I overheard my boyfriend’s mother talking badly about me

It’s not always easy getting along with your mother in-law (or in my case, soon-to-be mother in-law). I feel as though boys (especially) have a close bond with their mothers, much different than that of a typical mother-daughter relationship. More often than not, mothers question their son’s choice in girlfriends, and from experience being “the girlfriend”, it seems like they feel as though they are losing their little boy. I have a fairly good relationship with my boyfriend’s mother–at least I thought so.

My boyfriend, A, moved thousands of miles away from home to be with me. Because of this distance, he often Skypes his mother, L, once a week. Once and a while L will call or text my cell phone to reach him, and I am 100% OK with that. She needs to be able to speak to her son; if I’m the middleman, so be it.

On Sunday, her boyfriend, J, decided to call my phone and leave an offensive, immature voicemail from a number I didn’t recognize. It wasn’t until later I found out it was him that called my phone–that’s how distorted and unclear his probably drunken voicemail was.

I have met J on several occasions, and I don’t like him. Nearly every time I have spoken with him, I have ended up in tears. He’s rude, offensive and often vulgar (I have stories about him in public settings that the TU probably wouldn’t approve of on OTE). When I’m around him, I tolerate it, but I draw the line at receiving immature phone calls from him. Everyone makes excuses for him: “You know how J is, he’s always messing around”, and that’s fine. I accept that he’s a jokester, but I do not appreciate being the target of his pranks.

I thought I was being the bigger person by confronting my boyfriend’s mother about J’s rude behavior, but apparently that wasn’t how she saw it. Since I didn’t have J’s information to contact him, I sent a Facebook message to her explaining that I would prefer it if J didn’t call my phone anymore–his voicemail was offensive, and this isn’t the first time he’s made me feel uncomfortable. Also, I said that it would be better if she Skyped A and me sans J (it’s just easier to talk to his mother without J interrupting, and persuading my boyfriend that he needs to come home). I explained it wasn’t about her, and I hoped that she understood. I heard no response.

Yesterday, she and my boyfriend were Skyping (I was doing miscellaneous chores around the house). I overheard her mention the incident and then she went on a rampage.

First, she said I sent her an extremely rude message, I have no right talking to her the way I did, and that I shouldn’t try to control her. She also went on to say I was preventing my boyfriend from contacting any of his friends and family (which is untrue–I was the one who suggested he Skype his mother), and that she felt like I was forcing him to stay with me. “You are good friends with J, he’s done so much for you–when are you going to try to contact him? Or are you not allowed to do that either?”

She proceeded to guilt trip my boyfriend. It was his grandfather’s birthday Sunday, and she claimed the reason J called my phone was to reach A, that it would be nice to get the whole family on the line to “say hello”. She then continued to vent to him for a good 20 minutes while I was standing in the kitchen, stunned about what I’d just heard. I felt like I had just been stabbed in the back.

I marched into the living room so I could be heard on Skype, said in the most cheerful voice “Oh, hello L. How are you? Good?”, and then I left the house. I then heard her mutter “See, I can’t even talk to you in private” (A is in my house on my laptop–plus, there shouldn’t be a need for secrecy). Yes, I know it was immature of me, but I was so angry I was literally shaking. I could not let her think that I didn’t hear her bad talk me for a half an hour.

So, now what? Thanks to this whole ordeal, A is stuck in the middle of an argument between his mother and his girlfriend. There is tension between us over the issue, and neither of us know how it can be resolved. Confrontation (well, via message) didn’t get me very far. Clearly, L would rather talk about me than to me, so I’m not sure how even attempt to “patch things up”. Yes, A needs an alternative means of communication–we are working on getting him onto our cell phone plan, but for the meantime, his means of communication are via computer or calling cards. She needs to realize that.

How do I attempt to make things right between his mother and I when she continues to believe that I am purposefully breaking his ties with his family and friends, and forcing him to be in a relationship with me? Was I out of line to confront her about my issue with J?

41 Responses

Family — there are times it seems you can’t live / win with them or without! They are who they are. The reader needs to move forward with her relationship knowing that L and J are who they are and if it is something she can tolerate. Or, better yet, A needs to let L and J know, in no uncertain terms, how he feels about his girlfriend and that he won’t tolerate her being treated so poorly.

There is no way to replay the skype conversation, however, it would have been interesting to have appeared in the picture behind A while mom was running off her mouth. It may also have been interesting for L to hear J’s crude message for herself. To tell someone about poor behavior/nasty remarks is one thing, for them to see or hear for themselves could be priceless. Reader, do you still have the voice message?

A should have dealt with the obnoxious prank call, and A should have stopped his mom from smack talking you – I mean A KNEW you were there and didn’t put a stop to it??? You seem to have obnoxious in-laws, fortunately you live far, far away from them. Let the skype thing go, paste a smile on and let time pass, they aren’t going to change so do your best to deal. I would be way more concerned about the guy who allows his mom to talk about his finacee like that (esp when she’s in earshot!!!) and also why can’t he arrange his own means of communication??

Sounds like 90% of the problem is communications — between your BF and his mother. Tell him to step up to 1997 and get his own cell phone, and start keeping in contact with the people he should have been all along since the move.

Reader – I feel for you. I had to deal with this same type of behavior from my former roommate’s mother for a while, and we weren’t even together; that may have been the problem.

It must be a difficult situation for everyone involved – his mother for feeling that you are pulling “her baby” away from her, and being thousands of miles away, your boyfriend for being away from his family, even though he loves you and clearly has chosen to be with you, and you for having to deal with all that you are.

The other ladies are right – you are not going to be able to change his mother, or her boyfriend. The only thing that you can change is how you react/deal with his mother/family. You don’t need to be treated like crap, nor should you have to walk on eggshells. But keep in mind that this is a woman who probably feels that she is losing her baby to you, and maybe you should talk with her when A isn’t around and explain that you are not trying to take him away from her and the family. A should also explain to his mother that you are not controlling him, or separating him from his family.

This seems like a difficult situation all the way around. You both may have to evaluate your relationship, and see if it is truly worth it to be together if this is what your future is going to be. Because like it or not, you are not just marrying him, your’re marrying his family too. Good luck reader – keep us updated :)

There are so many red flags here. I know the question was about the in laws but it begs to be asked about A- why is this grown man who has moved in with you unable to have his own means of communicating? He doesn’t own a cell phone? A computer? Please say he has a job or at least some savings since you’ve moved this man into your home…

As to the other stuff? Also red flags. He was on Skpe, the man should have immediately cut mama off and informed her that you were at home and she was being rude. Red flag. You’re headed into a lifetime of in law issues. Far away or not, this is not a great set up.

RUN!!! If she feels justified in talking that way about you, you are always going to be on the losing end of the relationship. Your boyfriend should have stepped up to her immediately especially since he was in your house on your computer.

yikes. i think your bf needs to stand up to his mom a little more – i can’t believe he would let her badmouth you knowing you were in the house! it is a fine line when dealing with a guy and his mother – and this one sounds like a nightmare. be glad she lives so far away and you have the option of leaving the house while they skype. you don’t need to be put down in your own home! i’d wait for it to blow over, and in the meantime, be proud for standing up for yourself! you should be.

You are someone “new” to their family dynamic. Tread lightly. You are aware that it’s easy to misinterpret the written word. I understand that you were upset by the inappropriate voicemail, but I think there was a better way to handle it. You should have gone directly to BF and discussed it with him. Let him contact Mama or Mama’s BF. He is more familiar with his family and how to approach the subject. At this point, you should just forget about the voicemail. If it happens again, address the issue with BF.

Since you can’t unring this bell, for the sake of harmony, you should talk to Mama with BF present. Swallow your pride and apologize to her. She is the Alpha. No good can come of trying to fight her.

Then thank the heavens that she lives 1,000 miles away, tell BF to get a phone, and find an activity that takes you out of the house during their Skype bonding sessions.

I agree with Jennifer, #6. It seems you’re acting a bit more like his mother than his girlfriend, which is only further enabling his mama’s-boy attitude. He needs to tell his mother and her boyfriend where his priorities are (or at least should be, if he’s marrying you), and if she can’t be respectful and polite and try to get along to extend their family, then that’s her decision, no one else’s.

“Your daughter is your daughter for life, your son is your son until he takes a wife.”

I hate to jump on the negative train here but I have to agree with several people who brought up the point (or question rather), what was your BF doing to stick up for you when his mom was being a b*tch? Was he telling her to stop? I know if that was my husband, he would’ve stopped her immediately and not continued the conversation if she continued to run her mouth. Regardless, that might be problem number 1. Problem 2, (along the lines of Jennifer), does he have his own money, does he contribute, how does he not have a cell phone? Good luck reader, I do feel bad that you have to deal with that from his mom, it’s BS.

There should be no middle-man. The son should communicate directly with his mother. The person in the middle only makes matters worse; can end the relationship either for a long time or permanently. Hearing her say something negative about you is less important than your being in the middle of their relationship. You can join the family, but when a woman attempts to micro-manage her new husband’s or boyfriend’s family relationships basically the family structure is doomed. The more time that passes, the greater the chances of the damage being permanent.

I think the first thing you need to tell yourself is that this particular situation will smooth over. It’s not like you’ll be struggling to defend yourself, because you can show A exactly what you wrote to his mom in that Facebook message and he will see that you weren’t being disrespectful (which you say you weren’t, and I’m believing.) But please realize that this is a red flag, and now’s the time to deal with it by talking to A about standing up for you and himself. If he’s old enough to move thousands of miles from his mommy (and her apparently very creepy boyfriend) he’s old enough to tell her when she’s out of line. And, oh, lordy, is she out of line.

One thing that worries me is that L is involved with this guy, J, who appears to be, at the very least a boorish drunk. Where is this woman’s head at?

You have to sit down with A and talk about how, yes, there probably will be similar conflicts in the future and how you’ll deal with them. His mother is no longer the most important woman in his life and that’s going to be tough for her to accept, but she’s going to have to. I agree with the people who are saying you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of animosity if this isn’t nipped in the bud.

I agree with myra. While I think L was completely out of line, she probably has a sense of desperation. In her eyes, you’ve taken away her son. The only way she can reach him is through you. She probably feels like he’s given up his independence to be under your rule. Is she right? NO. But that’s most likely how she sees it.

I’m sure you felt you needed to address the voice mail from J, but remember, intonation and reason are not always conveyed as intended when you write something in email, Facebook message, etc.

We’re constantly faced with choices. Sometimes it means choosing between family and your significant other. It’s not easy, but it’s time for your boyfriend to choose you completely. He felt strongly enough to move across the country for you- so why can’t he stand up to his mother (and J) for you?

I think that your boyfriend should have stuck up for you. He should have corrected his mother right away when she started making negative comments about you. I’m sure it is a tough position for him to be stuck in the middle between two people that he loves. I don’t understand why your boyfriend has to wait until he can get on your plan before he gets a cell phone. If he wants to communicate with her it shouldn’t be through you if you don’t get along with her. I would write her again but I would inform your boyfriend that you plan on doing so. Maybe he can help you write something that would get your point across without his mom thinking you are attacking her.

Take if from someone that has ‘been there and done that’ – this is not likely to get better. I know there are exceptions, but the odds of this ‘boy’ growing a new set and standing up for you, and himself, is slim to none. I’m sure he has wonderful qualities that you love and that he is good man in many ways, but prepare yourself to receive the silver medal in this relationship because he has the gold reserved for his mother.

My situation is slightly more complicated than what I have shared. Let me clear a couple things up. First, my boyfriend isn’t from this country. We are working on obtaining a Visa to make him legal to work here in the States, so essentially he has no real job at the moment. We are planning to get a cell phone for him, but want to wait until he has a regular income. Skype is the cheapest, easiest way for him to contact family/friends.

On A’s behalf, during the Skype conversation, he did attempt to stand up for me. He explained to L that he had read the message before I sent it, and that it had not meant to sound rude or disrespectful. Unfortunately, he is good friends with J, so he did not find J’s voicemail offensive at all, but humorous- his mother felt the same way. When he did try to defend me, however, L would cut in and say something else about me, so she never really heard what he was trying to say.

A did know about the voicemail the second I received it. And when he found out it was J, he dismissed it and basically told me that I was overreacting. I did ask A to text his mother and tell her about the voicemail, and he did. He asked that J not contact my phone- before I even messaged her myself, so I don’t see why L thought my message was so “out of the blue” and rude.

Unfortunately, A is sick and tired of hearing about this ordeal, and no longer wants to talk about it. He said that it’s not fair that he got in the middle of it- that it’s between L and I.

If he’s sick and tired of hearing about it now, then how is he going to feel twenty years down the road? No, the onus is on him to be the mediator. He’s in the middle whether he likes it or not. “It’s between you and my mother.”??? Um, no. Nope.

That was the longest ARA in the history of ARA’s – I can’t force myself to read it, not now at least. Hopefully I’ll have time later and can add my 2 cents…if not, I’ll just agree with whatever Leigh said.

Someone grab the scissors the umbilical cord appears to be attached still. Yes he should be in contact with his family but there is a big difference between maintaining contact and invading the life y’all are trying to create together. The issues are there now and will never go away just need to find a way to deal with them. I have issues with my in-laws that are an OTE write up all on their own.

Send A back to his homeland. You will ALWAYS lose in a battle between his family and you. This is a minor battle – be prepared for far, far worse ones should you ever marry and have children. If I were you, I’d get out before it’s too late.

No ma’am it is not between L and you. I actually do think it was a little disrespectful of you to text/message his mother directly. You’re not her daughter-in-law yet. You’re only adding fuel to the fire and making it easy for her to dislike you. “A” should be loyal to the woman he fell in love with and moved thousands of miles for, and he needs to tell his mother it is a situation SHE is creating to cause him stress with the woman he loves, and unless she wants to completely lose her son, she needs to knock it off. But…it’s tough for you to say this to him, so:

Don’t talk to his mother, and do not talk bad ABOUT her to him. Don’t complain about her. Let her keep rambling on and on and let her make herself look like the bad guy. PTV, baby. Play The Victim.

No matter how nice you are as a girlfriend, it won’t matter because his parents will not change their mind. I am a very nice person, and my ex-boyfriend’s parents never liked me and I always knew it. They were never rude like A’s mother, but they were always reserved no matter how kind I was (I actually walked a mile in a rainshower to buy her roses when my ex-boyfriend graduated from college because I didn’t have a car). People are people and you can’t change them. Don’t even bother trying.

I also think that in the future you need to follow A’s directives when it comes to his family; he told you to let it go, you did’t, now it’s much worse. He knows what the dynamics are – and he didn’t think the inital call was a big deal – you should be able to trust your partners judgement when it comes to dealing with his family. You should have let him tell his family to leave you out of thier pranks.

Run. Don’t walk. Away from this situation. Nothing good will come of it. They sound like a bunch of losers and will bring you down, too. And if you stay with him and have trouble down the road, we’ll all say, “Well, we told you so. You have no one to blame but yourself.”

Oh my God I feel for you. I was in almost the exact same situation, feeling like a go-between between fiance/husband and mother-in-law. After YEARS of it (and I mean almost 20 years), I had enough. A man’s wife can NEVER measure up to his mother, ever. You will never win this one. I see it with my mother and my brother’s wife, too. Example after example of how a mom thinks her son’s wife has “stolen” him from her.

I too think your fiance should have defended you, but it was the same in my case. So you have two choices: 1) you can either accept the fact that your mother-in-law will never really accept you and you will always have a somewhat strained relationship and be ok with that or 2) get out of your relationship with your fiance now and find a guy who no longer has a mother.

Boy I really hate to be the only one, but I just am having a hard time being empathetic (note to self: then just shut up before it’s too late).

On the peripheral stuff, I wouldn’t generalize based on gender. Anecdotal, I’m sure but I have seen all sorts of parent-child combinations where one or the other had a difficult time cutting the string. The other small concern is that he seems to have given up a lot to come and be with you. But, at the first sign of anger, he’s *your house, using *your* laptop. I think that would bother me if my “partner” tried to gain an advantage in an argument like that. I also do feel for your boyfriend (I’m already lost with all the initials), While I believe that cords need to be cut, I don’t think people should have to completely turn their backs on their parents and, even in disputes, I don’t thin kit should be all or none, especially if there is reason as opposed to merely blind loyalty involved.

I agree with a lot of the negative things directed against the mom and the mom’s boyfriend. OTOH, I feel like I am looking at mirror image relationships/incidents here. The mom’s boyfriend was an ass (but it also sounds like people, including your own boyfriend have made allowances for that; I wouldn’t automatically discard the possibility that you are, as he says, overreacting) and you are completely in your rights to tell him to eff off. However, intentionally or not, you attacked him to the mom, disparaging both her boyfriend and her own choice in boyfriend (kind of like her skyping to her son). Her reaction then, is probably not unlike your reaction now. I’m not sure that there is really a way out of this, other than out altogether.

Absolutely not!!! I feel and have had this discussion with my husband about my complaining about his mom, that if I cannot discuss my feeling or thoughts with him without him getting angry then who can I vent to. We moved in with his mom after his dad died to help with the house she’s had for over 30 years. We really didn’t want to uproot her out of the only home she’s known for so long and besides the house becomes ours after she dies. It was either sell and she goes to an assisted living home or move in and maintain the house. There is a plus to this, she’s deaf and if she makes me angry I can just turn around and spout off as long as there isn’t a mirror or window she can see what I’m saying. At first we were at each other constantly, but in the last few years she’s grown appreciative of what I do for her. I do all the cleaning, grocery shopping and cooking. All she needs to do is keep her own room clean.
My advice is that if he doesn’t get a grip on his mother and tell her to cool it, then it’ll never be peacefull and the only thing that’ll remain and fester is resentment. To me it doesn’t sound as if you’re the one with control issues, it’s her not letting go of her baby! And a mamma’s boy you do not want! Been there before I met my husband, that isn’t pretty either!!!

I had a similar situation, long story short, found out my MIL was bad mouthing me to others about my allegedly inept housekeeping and not ironing my husband’s shirts and how I wasn’t a “good wife”. Difference? She was always a stay at home mother and I was/am working full time. And I do run a tight ship, just not to her standards. Difference? My dh stood up for me to her, MADE SURE he was heard, and it never happened again. I never even had to address it myself. That’s what your boyfriend should have done.

The mother and the boyfriend aren’t going to change their ways so you need to find a way to deal with it. If you can’t avoid them completely, at least be cordial to them so you do not create any more tension. I think you need to be the bigger person in this situation. Also, A needs to stand up for you. It’s one thing if the mother doesn’t like you, but I would not tolerate being bad-mouthed. If she can’t say anything nice to you or about you, then she should keep her mouth shut. Unfortunately, this probably won’t be the last time this type of thing happens. If you really love A and want to spend your life with him, you need to find a way to deal with his family. If you can’t do that you need to break it off now. Just be thankful they live thousands of miles away!

My future mother-in-law is passive aggressive. If we do something she does not approve of, she sends us a letter about it. At first it was frustating but now we just let it go. It makes her feel better to get these things off her chest. The letter never changes our opinion about the issue so we just read it and throw it out. Now we even joke when we make a decision that we know she will not like that she’ll just send us a letter about it. Unfortunately, my mother-in- law hasn’t been able to accept that not everyone wants to live life the way she does so I anticipate several more letters coming our way!

Moms and Sons have a strange relationship, and like Goose, I didn’t read it entirely either. But I make it a rule to never, ever, ever get in the middle of a mom and son thing. And I never take what a mom says about me personally because of this weird relationship issue; unless of course she’s going to live with us…that’s a whole ‘nother can o’worms…

I am inclined to agree with Amanda (#24) and that comment. Understandable, you wanted to stick up for yourself. But it is so sticky when it comes to the family, especially the mother itself. Your boyfriend should have stood up for you after that awful voicemail and tried to be a mediator.

Sadly, he never will/shouldn’t cut ties with his mother totally. But you are still the love of his life and he needs to be there for you as well.

From personal experience, I saw this play out in my own family and the end result was awful. Good luck to you

Not sure if this will work for your situation, but you should try Vonage. My fiancee and I struggled with a way for him to contact his folks and this worked out best because his family isn’t good with computer/tech stuff (like skype). It obviously depends on where A is calling but it is pretty reasonable and can be used as a regular phone line here too.

I say run from your boyfriend and his family as fast as you can! None of them will ever change and A should have defended you. If he doesn’t have a backbone where mom is concerned now, he never will.

I have been married to an A for almost 10 years and he has only defended me once (at the beginning of our relationship) against his mom. Momma’s boys are brainwashed and have no respect for any woman except mom. THEY WILL NEVER CHANGE!!! Your man should ALWAYS defend you, no matter who it is or what the situation is. He can disagree with you in private, if necessary.

I wish someone had told me to run the other direction before I married this man. Do yourself and the rest of your life a big favor and find a man who will ALWAYS have your back and RESPECT YOU!

i am kinda going through the same thing only difference is my boyfriends mother is not sending me inappropriate voice mail / texts messages…but she is always talking about me and i told him so many times but he brushes it off like he doesn’t care!!!