I don’t think of Jeremy Shockey as a man so much as a piece of public lice on a protein-heavy diet. So I couldn’t help but get a little grossed out when I saw that he was actively whoring himself out on Facebook for dates.

[all sic’d] Ok LADIES heres the contest.. Post a video on the “just fans” section of my fbk fan page explaining why u deserve to have me take u on a date 1 nite this offseason… Contest ends sun night 4/18 at 8pm est… Lets have fun w this so be creative but just be careful its not too inappropriate where fbk deletes it!! good luck!!! –Shockey FB page, via Last Angry Fan.

What are you waiting for, ladies? It’s the opportunity to get that millionaire strand of Shockey AIDS. I hear it makes coins grow around your pubic area. Alright, now we’re just getting gross. But seriously, any woman deserves whatever they get with this guy. He’s like the white Tiger Woods. Except for that whole cheating thing. And he doesn’t play golf. But other than that, just like Tiger Woods!