Saturday, October 31, 2009

Forgive me for not writing recently. Life has been very busy and I think I am fighting off the flu or something. So, to hold you over, here is a song I wrote about my husband not too long ago.

Oh My Dear By Adrielle Bollin

With your few imperfections I can't help my affections I am smitten by you Oh yes you're so dang cute

And when you turn to me I tell you all that I see Are those two oceans of blue Enchanting all that you do

Chorus: Oh my dear How we've loved through these years We have gone through times Times of trials and tears But still hear we are We have come so far You're still loving me I'm still loving you

Sometimes it's like we just met They way you flirt and caress me You know just what to do To get me churning for you

You love me just how I like And when the day turns to night I'm wanting only to be with you Oh darling how I love you

Bridge: You know we've been through The good times and bad But in the end you know I love you happy or sad The vows we made are more Than castles of sand Oh they're top grade I know that our love will stand

Sunday, October 25, 2009

We've all known people who were and are hurting and struggling but are unwilling to talk about it, preferring to keep the source of the pain private. We wonder what to do and how we can help. We pray for them as best we know how and hope that our prayers are useful and beneficial. Still though, we want to talk with them and see how they are doing, what they are thinking and how we can help them more specifically.

I am experiencing this at present. I want so bad to hug this person and let them know that I am here and that I am behind them no matter what. It's hard when people refuse your direct help. Yet these are the times we must be more dependent on God. These situations force us to rely on Him to a) listen to our prayers, b) answer them, and c) to know what they actually need and perhaps impart that information to us through revelation or random thought. This is hard because we all want to see results and progress. We want to send up our requests and get a "yes I will" or a "no I won't/can't". Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Yet if we are patient, we do hear of progress, though not always. If we are patient, we will finally hear how God worked in their life at that trying time. Still though, not always.

We've been falsely taught for a long time that if we do this, then this will happen. This simply is not the case! I wish it were, but as I mentioned earlier, God likes (or perhaps needs) to change the way He does things on a regular and often basis. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow, but He is eternally creative too.

Creativity is defined as "the ability to transcend traditional ideas, rules, patterns, relationships, or the like, and to create meaningful new ideas, forms, methods, interpretations, etc.". So though his character is the same, his character is creative, thus allowing the constant change in how He works. Yet still sometimes He will seem to repeat Himself too.

He breaks down these false teachings and rules by amazing us by doing things in ways we never would have imagined. Hence His word that says "My ways are high above your ways, my thoughts above your thoughts." And they should be, He is God after all is He not? I would hope that the God I serve was not only smarter and more creative, but also knows the entire picture that we cannot see.

Still, we humans are incredibly impatient and want more than anything sometimes (or always, depending on your personality type and life story) to be in control. We want to know our destiny.

Sometimes God will even let us glimpse that destiny, and I think God would even like for us to see what is planned for us. I have even glimpsed my own, but like many, I am not entirely sure I believe it most of the time. I think this is probably why most of us do not glimpse our future, because God knows we probably won't believe it.

I can't remember where this story is in the bible, but a prophet was arguing with God saying "Tell me what will happen" and God was saying "You wouldn't believe me if I told you" and the prophet says "Yes I will, please tell me!" and when God relents and tells him, he says "I don't believe it!". All that is paraphrased of course. I can't even fathom how often that must happen, lol. x-D

I imagine God gets a real kick out of us sometimes...and yet how saddening that would be as well. I know how frustrating it can be to simply tell someone how beautiful they are and they cannot believe me. Yet I see it as plain as day! Imagine now how frustrating it would be for the One who knows and sees all to tell someone they are a king, yet they continue to live as a slave.

So before this gets even longer, let me leave you with this thought that even I must soak in... What if God doesn't lie?

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

With the best of intentionsWe all say I'll follow youThen we go on our wayTrying to be and to do

Although I am just as guiltyI am seeing a new lightShining brightly withinCalling me to new heights

You say let me be the centerLet me be near you moreLet me love in and through youLet me dwell in your coreIf you let me stay thereYou'll see wonders untoldYou will love with my loveTouching everyone, young and old

I have seen the way of the hurriedRunning in the wilderness aloneAching for worth and valueLonging just to be known

Grace has taught me to danceThough the storm is raging onMercy is beauty in knowingThe need for control is gone

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Well I had a great weekend which I spent with a few of my favorite people. My grandma, aunt and adopted aunt who have been mentors and counselors to me all of my life. I thought that the weekend would end without our usual deep conversations as it was turning into a movie weekend. This was just fine by me as we watched hilarious movies and just enjoyed each others company. But praise God, inevitably Sunday morning, the conversation began.

I had been struggling with feeling powerless and insignificant at work mostly, but also in other areas as well. I have done well to deal with it by immersing myself in books on CD at work so as to stay awake. For some my job would require a great deal of concentration, but for me, it is mind numbing and boring and I can hardly stay awake to do it. So to fix the near constant problem of (as I like to call it) fighting a coma, I began getting books on CD and listening to them while I work. This has worked wonderfully, however it has also helped to cease all thoughts of anything else really that I probably ought to have dealt with. Then again, I truthfully didn't want to deal with...well...anything at this period of my life. I think I had gotten so overwhelmed by all of the happenings throughout the spring and summer that I just emotionally crawled into a hole and planned to stay there until I had gotten tired of the darkness.

Darkness is an interesting thing to throw yourself into. You think that since it is your choice that you are there, that it's somehow better and less harmful. In reality, I didn't know until after I chose to crawl out how much life had been sucked out of me because of my choice. I told myself I was resting, waiting for God to do something impressive to draw me out of my sorrowful and self pitying corner. Until that impressive something happened, I told myself, I wasn't moving. My faith, though still alive, needed a big awakening and no typical awakening would suffice.

I have seen so much in the christian realm, heard so much, known so much...so much that I have become a bit jaded. Things had gone so well for me all my life, that when it finally seemed to fall apart, I could not even begin to understand. All the prayers I prayed seemed utterly useless. All of the arguing with God seemed to be with a close mouthed statue. In fact in the midst of it, it seemed to me that the more I prayed, the worse things got. This was when I gave up. I gave up whatever control I thought I had and simply decided to sit down, shut up and wait for God to fix it. I was exhausted. This was the breaking point and though the flood waters receded and peace finally returned, the "end" of that battle seemed utterly disappointing. Now that I am on the other side of it (I think), I can see clearly the good that came out of it and the grace that was provided although I cannot say that I am rejoicing yet. It's on my to-do list.

The biggest good that came out of that storm was the wonderful realization that I could love my husband, the same way I love God - I don't have to compartmentalize it or separate it. I have struggled with that concept for a long time. Through this hard time, I grew much closer to my husband. We were able to work as a team to figure stuff out and became more understanding as we communicated better and better. He became to support I needed too. As I was the one loosing it, he stayed relatively calm and even forgiving when I was having a really hard time doing so. I am the one trained to forgive and yet I was the one having trouble filling those shoe's I had worn so comfortably before. I had once again gotten to that point of "I'm sick of forgiving all the time, I want justice!", only to find that justice never came how I had originally wanted it. This of course was frustrating because it somehow showed me that God's ways made more sense than the way I wanted to do things which is not what I wanted to see or hear.

God was proving to me again and again that though I didn't understand, I was not expected to. He was showing me that He will not do things the same way every time. He was getting rid of my rules and formulas of Christianity. Since I am an oldest child of 4, I was the one who followed the rules. Breaking my system of rules and formulas... sucked. There's just no better way to put it. I like rules - not always, but they at least provide predictability and therefore some sense of security. This, I found out, is not OK. It was and is an idol. I was relying on rules and formulas to make me feel safe instead of relying on God to make me feel safe. This is another good that came out of it was the breaking down of a long standing idol in my life.

The craziest thing of all though is that even in this lowest of lows in my attitude, faith, and demeanor, God still managed to use me in wonderful ways. How he does that despite us and even somewhat unbeknown to us, is beyond me. He just does. And I am glad. So now with a renewed sense of focus, I think I can move forward. I believe I have found solid footing once again with the help of my mentors. More to come...

Friday, October 16, 2009

I am soooooooo happy right now!! My youngest of three brothers announced via text message that he proposed to his girlfriend and she said yes!! I literally jumped up and down squeeling like a school girl because I absolutely LOVE this woman! She is the ultimate in sweetness and kindness. Her Facebook quote under her picture describes her PERFECTLY. It says "Arise Shine! For your light has come! And the glory of the Lord is risen upon you. For behold, the darkness shall cover the earth, and deep darkness the people; But the Lord will arise over you, and His glory will be seen upon you." ~Isaiah 60:1" God's glory literally does shine upon her. She's awesome. Anyway, I'll stop gushing...but I am also so very happy for my brother too obviously! They go together so very well and I have been waiting for this day for months. Congratulations Joe and Lauren!! May God bless you both in all you do together! :)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

It's not one of my smoothest writings, but I like the point behind it...

Fine and DandyAdrielle R. Bollin

You say that youAre not upsetBut here you areYour face is red

You say that youDon't care anymoreBut your wordsCan't hide your sores

Oh but you're, fine and dandyYou think you're, sweet as candyYou think you're, over itBut inside you are truly sickThat old seed's still brewingPoison gives disillusionsSo while you smile and pretendI'll be prayin' for you my friend

It is plainAs day and nightAll your angerPain and strife

You tell meYou left it behindFrom where I sitI only see denial

One day you'll seeThat there's a step you forgotIn that road of healingSomehow you got lostYou should knowI'm rootin for youTo find your wayBut until you do

Sunday, October 11, 2009

There is something about listening to the Blues that brings a huge smile to my face. The fun beat, the freedom with which they play and then the expressions on their faces as they play make it the most enjoyable concert I can think of to watch. I think that since my mom was involved in theater from the time I was very young, I developed a huge appreciation for facial expressions and the energy of stage presence. Folks who play Blues or Jazz are by far the most interesting and enjoyable subjects to watch. Their faces contort and smile and frown to match the lyrics and the highs and lows of the tempos and pitch. Their bodies too contort and seem to interpret for the audience the lyrics and notes as they are not immune to the expression that flows through the music either.

I went to see Davina and the Vagabonds on Friday night at the Dakota Jazz Club in Minneapolis and what an immense pleasure that was! Each band member was unique in their expressions which I am going to describe as best I can.

The least expressive was the drummer, Dan Olson. I don't think his face made so much as a twitch most of the entire set except for the occasional smile as if he was remembering that perhaps the crowd would like to see one. Since I am (as my husband will attest) quite easily amused, I found this in itself to be kind of funny.

The stand up bass player Michael Carvale had slicked back black (or dark brown) hair and reminded me of a character in an old mobster type movie. His face was serene looking, smiling most of the time as if he could not imagine a better thing in the world to be doing than plucking away at the massive strings. When he sang he did it so naturally and easily that he had the suave on stage confidence of Frank Sinatra.

Scott Agster played trombone. He had a mischievous presence and quite obviously had a ball playing to the crowd. His hips swayed side to side with the beat like he had an invisible dance partner. His solo's were so fun and creative. His vocals, like his instrument teased the crowd like he wrote the song's story himself. He always had a slight smirk on his face like he knew something we didn't and couldn't wait to tell us.

Zack Lozier played trumpet and was slightly less expressive but no less talented. His solos were also incredibly fun and creative. His presence and character seemed very matter of fact and sang his solos flawlessly in this manner. Although you could tell he enjoyed himself, it was not as obvious as the trombone player next to him.

Last but not least, Davina Sowers played piano and headed the vocals. She was by far the most interesting and fun band member to watch. Whether she sang and played or just played piano, her feet never stopped moving, stomping with the beat in her black high heels. I think the music literally took over her body as she played. I could not look at her without feeling an incredible urge to dance in my seat as she did when she played. Her facial expressions were absolutely priceless and showed all the emotion one would be feeling as they wrote the song or went through the situation. Her stage presence was downright delightfully theatrical. Her throaty vocals were like that of Billie Holiday that made you feel every word she sang. Davina personally involved herself in every song and lived and felt the lyrics as she belted them out in perfect pitch and rhythm.

The whole ensemble played their parts perfectly and improvised beautifully. I can only imagine how much fun it would be to be onstage with them. However, having a small amount of stage experience myself, I also know that they must seriously work their tails off in practice to be so tight and in sync with each other.

I'll definitely make it a point to see them all in concert again only next time I think I'll make sure there is a dance floor so I won't have to restrain the music inspired urges to get up and dance. :)