All of life's trials and tribulations wrapped into one stereotypical blog.

Monday, June 8, 2015

A work in progress.

Lately it is as if being tested has integrated itself into every waking moment of life.
And as I try and lead a more somber, peaceful, and enlightened life in my thirties, I have found that the universe is loving the challenge it dishing out. I welcome the defiance, and I find the trial exhilarating.

I have found that no matter how hard I try to bring small rays of sunshine to my life and the life of those around me, people are always going to be there to cover my sun with their grey clouds. I'm okay with it - most of the time. Balance is necessary in all things. I remind myself that maybe not everyone is as blessed as I am to have a wonderful upbringing, a desire for never-ending education, and the ability to have an open-mind. I feel much more grateful than I do conceited.

I didn't have the perfect childhood. Those who know me best know this quite well. I didn't have wonderful teen years either. I made super poor choices and I was really bad at being... bad.
The difference with me is that I took everything from the two different worlds I was living out of and blended them into one amazing one. It didn't happen over night. Hell, it is still "happening," but I am glad to be a work in progress!

But when I am tested, I am most gratified. I am reminded of how simple things can become very major ones. How one small breeze can become a monsoon. How one tiny little grain of sand can turn the tide. I am grateful for these moments every day. When I can get so mad at what just happened and come right back to the place I was meant to be: one of calm. Where anger doesn't matter anymore. Where nothing matters but what I have learned.

I deal with my biggest instigator every single day. Via text or just inside my mind, I am at a constant turmoil with what my heart says over what my head tells me. It's always challenging; however, I will say that I have tried so painstakingly hard to always let go of my past transgressions, my past irritations, my past bias, and start anew (and with love).

It doesn't matter that I was called an idiot this week or that my new book was ruined in a rainstorm.
It doesn't matter that my pond was eaten by a deer... or a beaver.
It doesn't matter that some people love to voice their opinions as loud as possible to get a rise out of others.
It doesn't matter my daughter disregarded my request and did her own thing.
It doesn't matter that I was eye-rolled by a mother at softball for the third week in a row.
None of it matters at the end of my day.

I am glad the annoying things happen because it makes the things I love so much sweeter.
So thank you for calling me an idiot. I know I am not stupid. My 3.8 proves that as much as my desire to continue learning.
Thank you for raining. I don't have to water my lawn or flowers, and I had already read the book anyway.
I am not glad my pond was half-eaten, but I am glad the deer/beaver isn't hungry.
Thank you to Alanna for always dancing to the beat of your own drummer. Your free-spirited self is inspiring. Don't let it happen again! ;)
Thank you for eye-rolling me on Tuesdays and Thursdays. You are exactly who I strive NOT to be.