Lindy West

Attractive people. Why should they have to "pay for stuff" and "get jobs"? Haven't attractive people suffered enough, what with all the not-being-taken-seriously-as-scientists-in-movies and having-to-wear-fake-glasses-to-get-promotions? I'm getting choked up just thinking about it. And rich people! Why should rich people have to "develop social skills" or "think of their partners as human beings instead of just collections of measurements and 1990s birthdays"? Won't somebody please think of the rich people's socially awkward erections?!

Well, someone finally has! MissTravel.com is "the only online dating website for travelers, and more specifically, we match Generous travelers who hate to travel alone with Attractive travelers who would love the opportunity to travel the world for free." (Here's a video.) So basically it's like one of those "sugar daddy" websites, only with a jaunty globetrotting theme. It's the Explorers Club meets Ashley Madison. (Do you like your Sherpa guide, but just wish he had bigger boobs and less interest in you as a person?) Who moved my sexy pith helmet?!?

But wait! There's more:

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The website provides an incentive system that allows Generous members the ability to gift frequent flyer points to Attractive members (hence gifting them the gift of travel). Attractive members who accumulates enough frequent flyer points may redeem them for free airline tickets and hotel rooms, allowing them the opportunity to travel the world for free.

So...the big incentive at MissTravel is that by going on enough creepy trips with enough rich dudes (and/or ladies, I guess), you can eventually "earn" enough "points" to be able to go on a real trip all by yourself? That's the prize? Getting the fuck away from these dudes? (And/or ladies? I guess?) That's reeeeeeeeeally taking the long way around, you guys. You could just, you know, get a regular job.

I wanted to poke around inside MissTravel, so I signed up as an Attractive Female (that's like 87% true!—I am one quarter Romulan) with the username goodpersonality69. And it's pretty much exactly like a regular dating site, only if scientists figured out an algorithm to filter out any human who you might possibly relate to. There are chiseled orange heirs on yachts who are probably liars, bewigged white executives looking for "black or mixed females only," faux-poetic blowhards spouting bullshit they think makes them sound sensitive ("You have been accused of having too much heart but you know in your soul this is the only way to be"), really really sad and lonely people who are painful to look at, and a FUCKTON of gross married dudes. It's pretty boring in there, honestly. (Also, I've been a member all day long and I've gotten zero attention from Generous Males. I know my picture hasn't been approved yet, but it says right in the name that I've got a "goodpersonality69"! So much for personality, I guess. 69.)

So what's the problem? I mean, none, in theory. I have no problem with sex work (and that's what this is, no matter what they say), lonely people deserve to be able to buy company, and women deserve the right to make their own (possibly bad) choices. Let them have each other and be happy. Fine. But there's just such a giant window for dishonesty and coercion here. You're not just on a date with this person—this rich, powerful stranger—you're on a boat, you're in a hotel room, you're in fucking Thailand or some shit. And you can say that the women are using/objectifying the men just as much as the men are using/objectifying the women—technically that's absolutely true, it's almost a win-win—but tell that to the girl who winds up 5,000 miles away from home with ExecutiveDong4U and realizes she doesn't want to put out.