"The Princess Bride"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-- the strictly unofficial script of the movie,
done in a fit of boredom by [BCT 05/Mar/94]
"Ray Tracey"; WWIV 119@7729
(btman@cco.caltech.edu)
The Cast (in order of appearance [roughly]):
THE KID: Fred Savage
MOM: Betsy Brantley
GRANDPA: Peter Falk
THE PRINCESS BRIDE: Robin Wright
WESTLEY: Cary Elwes
PRINCE HUMPERDINCK: Chris Sarandon
VIZZINI: Wallace Shawn
INIGO MONTOYA: Mandy Patinkin
FEZZIK: Andre the Giant
COUNT RUGEN: Christopher Guest
ALBINO: Mel Smith
YELLIN: Malcolm Storry
ASSISTANT BRUTE: Paul Badger
WOMAN (ANCIENT BOOER): Margery Mason
MIRACLE MAX: Billy Crystal
VALERIE: Carol Kane
PRIEST (IMPRESSIVE CLERGYMAN): Peter Cook
KING: Willoughby Gray
QUEEN: Anne Dyson
******************************
KID:
MOM: Hi, honey.
KID: Hi, mom.
MOM: Feeling any better?
KID: A little bit.
MOM: Guess what?
KID: What?
MOM: Grandfather's here.
KID: Mom, can't you tell him I'm sick?
MOM: You're sick? That's why he's here.
KID: He'll pinch my cheek. I HATE that.
MOM: Maybe he won't.
GRANDPA: Hey! How's the sickie? Heh?
MOM: I think I'll leave you two pals alone.
GRANDPA: I brought you a special present.
KID: What is it?
GRANDPA: Open it up.
KID: A book?
GRANDPA: That's right. When I was your age, television was called "books."
And this is a special book. It was the book my father used to read to
me when I was sick, and I used to read it to your father. And today
I'm gonna read it to you.
KID: 'S it got any sports in it?
GRANDPA: Are you kidding? Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants,
monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...
KID: Doesn't sound too bad. I'll try and stay awake.
GRANDPA: Oh, well... thank you very much. That's very nice of you. Your vote
of confidence is overwhelming. All right: The Princess Bride, by S.
Morgenstern. Chapter 1: "Buttercup was raised on a small farm in the
country of Florin. Her favorite pastimes were riding her horse and
tormenting the farm boy that worked there. His name was Westley, but
she never called him that." Isn't that a wonderful beginning?
KID: Yeah, it's really good.
GRANDPA: "Nothing gave Buttercup as much pleasure as ordering Westley around.
BUTTERCUP: Farm boy! Polish my horse's saddle. I want to see my face shining
in it by morning.
WESTLEY: As you wish.
GRANDPA: "As you wish" was all he ever said.
BUTTERCUP: Farm boy, fill these with water. ...please.
WESTLEY: As you wish.
GRANDPA: That day she was amazed to discover that when he was saying "as you
wish," what he meant was "I love you." And even more amazing was the
day she realized she truly loved him back.
BUTTERCUP: Farm boy! ...fetch me that pitcher?
WESTLEY: As you wish.
-------------------
KID: Hold it, hold it. What is this? Are you trying to trick me? And- where's
the sports? ...Is this a kissing book??
GRANDPA: Wait, just wait.
KID: Well, when's it get good?
GRANDPA: Keep your shirt on, let me read. "Westley had no money for marriage,
so he packed his few belongings and left the farm to seek his fortune
across the sea. It was a very emotional time for Buttercup.
KID: I don't believe this.
BUTTERCUP: I fear I'll never see you again.
WESTLEY: Of course you will.
BUTTERCUP: But what if something happens to you?
WESTLEY: Hear this now. I will always come for you.
BUTTERCUP: But how can you be sure?
WESTLEY: This is true love. Think this happens every day?
GRANDPA: Westley didn't reach his destination. His ship was attacked by the
Dread Pirate Roberts, who never left captives alive. When Buttercup
got the news that Westley was murdered--
KID: Murdered by pirates is good.
GRANDPA: --she went into her room and shut the door; and for days she neither
slept nor ate.
BUTTERCUP: I will never love again.
-----------------------
GRANDPA: Five years later, the main square of Florin City was filled as never
before, to hear the announcement of the great Prince Humperdinck's
bride-to-be.
PRINCE: My people! A month from now, our country will have its 500th
anniversary. On that sundown, I shall marry a lady who was once a
commoner like yourselves. But perhaps you will not find her "common"
now. Would you like to meet her?
CROWD:
PRINCE: My people: the Princess Buttercup!
GRANDPA: Buttercup's emptiness consumed her. Although the law of the land
gave Humperdinck the right to choose his bride, she did not love him.
Despite Humperdinck's reassurance that she would grow to love
him, the only joy she found was in her daily ride.
VIZZINI: A word, my lady. We are but poor, lost circus performers. Is there a
village nearby?
BUTTERCUP: There is nothing nearby, not for miles.
VIZZINI: Then there will be no one to hear you scream.
INIGO: What is that you're ripping?
VIZZINI: It's fabric from the uniform of an army officer of Guilder.
FEZZIK: Who's Guilder?
VIZZINI: The country across the sea! The sworn enemy of Florin! Go!
Once the horse reaches the castle, the fabric will make the Prince
suspect the Guilderians have abducted his love. When he finds her
body dead on the Guilder frontier, his suspicions will be totally
confirmed.
FEZZIK: You never said anything about killing anyone.
VIZZINI: I've hired you to help me start a war. It's a prestigious line of
work, with a long and glorious tradition.
FEZZIK: I just don't think it's right, killing an innocent girl.
VIZZINI: Am I going mad, or did the word "think" escape your lips? You were
not hired for your brains, you hippopotamic landmass!
INIGO: I agree with Fezzik.
VIZZINI: Oh, the sot has spoken! What happens to her is not truly your
concern. I will kill her. And remember this-- never forget this: when
I found you, you were so slobbering drunk, you couldn't buy brandy!
And you: friendless! Brainless! Helpless! Hopeless! Do you want me to
send you back to where you were? Unemployed? In Greenland??
INIGO: Vizzini... he can... FUSS.
FEZZIK: Fuss, fuss... think he like to scream at US.
INIGO: Probably he means no... HARM.
FEZZIK: He's very very short on... CHARM.
INIGO: You have a great gift for rhyme.
FEZZIK: Yes, yes... some of the time.
VIZZINI: Enough of that!
INIGO: Fezzik, are there rocks ahead?
FEZZIK: If there are, we all be dead!
VIZZINI: No more rhymes now-- I mean it!
FEZZIK: Anybody want a peanut?
VIZZINI: Dyaaggghhh!
VIZZINI: We'll reach the cliffs by dawn. ...Why are you doing that?
INIGO: Are you sure nobody's follow us?
VIZZINI: That would be inconceivable.
BUTTERCUP: Despite what you think, you will be caught. And when you are, the
Prince will see you all hanged.
VIZZINI: Of all the necks on this boat, Highness, the one you should be
worried about is your own. ...Stop doing that! We can all relax.
It's almost over.
INIGO: You are sure nobody's follow us?
VIZZINI: As I told you, it would be absolutely, totally, and in all other ways
inconceivable! No one in Guilder knows what we've done, and no one in
Florin could have gotten here so fast. ...Out of curiosity, why do
you ask?
INIGO: Oh, it's nothing. It's only, I just happened to look behind us and
something is there.
VIZZINI: What?
...probably some local fisherman, out for a pleasure
cruise at night... through eel-infested waters.
VIZZINI: Wh-- Wha-- Go in! Get after her!
INIGO: I don't swim.
FEZZIK: I only dog-paddle.
VIZZINI: Yaaaah! Veer left! Left! Left!
VIZZINI: Do you know what that sound it, Highness? Those are the Shrieking
Eels. If you don't believe me, just wait. They always grow louder
when they're about to feed on human flesh!
If you swim back now, I promise no harm will come to you. I doubt
you'll get such an offer from an eel.
GRANDPA: She doesn't get eaten by the eels at this time.
KID: What?
GRANDPA: The eel doesn't get 'er. I'm explaining to you, because you looked
nervous.
KID: Well... I wasn't nervous. Well, maybe I was a little bit... concerned,
but that's not the same thing.
GRANDPA: Because we can stop now, if you want.
KID: No-- you can read a little bit more, if you want.
GRANDPA: Hm... "Do you know what that sound is, Highness? Those are the
Shrieking Eels."
KID: We've passed that, Grandpa. You read it already.
GRANDPA: Oh... oh my goodness, I did. I'm sorry; beg your pardon. All right,
all right, let's see, uh: she was in the water, the eel was comin'
after 'er... she was frightened, the eel started to charge 'er, and
then--
VIZZINI: Put 'er down. Just put 'er down.
INIGO: I think he's getting closer.
VIZZINI: He's no concern of ours. Sail on. ...I suppose you think you're
brave, don't you?
BUTTERCUP: Only compared to some.
INIGO: Look! He's right on top of us! I wonder if he is using the same wind
we are using.
VIZZINI: Whoever he is, he's too late! See? The Cliffs of Insanity!! Hurry
up! Move the thing! And... that other thing! Move it!
We're safe. Only Fezzik is strong enough to go up our way. He'll have
to sail around for hours till he finds a harbor.
INIGO: He's climbing the rope... and he's gaining on us.
VIZZINI: Inconceivable! Faster!
FEZZIK: I thought I WAS going faster.
VIZZINI: You were supposed to be this Colossus. You were this great legendary
thing. And yet he gains.
FEZZIK: Well... I'm carrying three people, and he got only himself.
VIZZINI: I do not accept excuses. I'm just going to have to find myself a new
giant, that's all.
FEZZIK: Don't say that, Vizzini. Please.
VIZZINI: Did I make it clear that your JOB is at stake??
FEZZIK: He's got very good arms.
VIZZINI: He didn't fall? Inconceivable!
INIGO: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it
means.
My God. He's climbing.
VIZZINI: Whoever he is, he's obviously seen us with the princess and must
therefore die. You, carry her. We'll head straight for the Guilder
frontier. Catch up when he's dead. If he falls, fine; if not, the
sword.
INIGO: I'm going to do him left-handed.
VIZZINI: You KNOW what a hurry we're in!
INIGO: Eh- it's the only way I can be satisfied. If I use my right... over
too quickly.
VIZZINI: Oh, have it your way.
FEZZIK: You be careful. People in masks cannot be trusted.
VIZZINI: I'm waiting!
INIGO: Hello there! Slow going?
WESTLEY: Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this is not as easy as it looks,
so I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't distract me.
INIGO: Sorry.
WESTLEY: Thank you.
INIGO: I do not suppose you could-a speed things up?
WESTLEY: If you're in such a hurry, you could lower a rope or a tree branch
or find something useful to do.
INIGO: I could do that; I have got some rope up here. But I do not think you
would accept my help, since I am only waiting around to kill you.
WESTLEY: That does put a damper on our relationship.
INIGO: But-- I promise I will not kill you until you reach the top.
WESTLEY: That's very comforting. But I'm afraid you'll just have to wait.
INIGO: I hate waiting. I could give you my word as a Spaniard!
WESTLEY: No good. I've known too many Spaniards.
INIGO: Is not there any way you will trust me?
WESTLEY: Nothing comes to mind.
INIGO: I swear on the sword of my father, Domingo Montoya; you will reach the
top alive.
WESTLEY: Throw me the rope.
WESTLEY: Thank you.
INIGO: Wa- w-w-w- wait until you're ready.
WESTLEY: Again, thank you.
INIGO: I do not mean to pry, but you don't by any chance happen to have six
fingers on your right hand?
WESTLEY: Do you always begin conversations this way?
INIGO: My father was slaughtered by a six-fingered man.
INIGO: He was a great swordmaker, my father. When the six-fingered man
appeared and requested a special sword, my father took the job. He
slave a year before he was done.
WESTLEY: I have never seen its equal.
INIGO: The six-fingered man returned and demanded it, but at one tenth his
promised price. My father refuse. Without a word, the six-fingered
man slash him through the heart. I love my father, so naturally I
challenge his murderer to a duel. I fail. The six-fingered man leave
me alive, but he give me this.
WESTLEY: How old were you?
INIGO: I was eleven years old. When I was strong enough, I dedicated my life
to the study of fencing, so the next time we meet, I will not fail. I
will go up to the six-fingered man and say, "Hello. My name is Inigo
Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."
WESTLEY: You've done nothing but study swordplay.
INIGO: More pursuit than study lately. You see, I cannot find him. It's been
twenty years now, and I'm starting to lose confidence. I just work
for Vizzini to pay the bills. There's not a lot of money in revenge.
WESTLEY: Well, I... I certainly hope you find him someday.
INIGO: You are ready then?
WESTLEY: Whether I am or not, you've been more than fair.
INIGO: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you.
WESTLEY: You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die.
INIGO: Begin.
INIGO: You are using Bonetti's defense against me, ah?
WESTLEY: I thought it fitting, considering the rocky terrain.
INIGO: Naturally, you must expect me to attack with Capo Ferro.
WESTLEY: Naturally, but I find that Thibault cancels out Capo Ferro.
Don't you?
INIGO: Unless the enemy has studied his Agrippa; which I have.
INIGO: You are wonderful!
WESTLEY: Thank you. I've worked hard to become so.
INIGO: I admit it, you are better than I am.
WESTLEY: Then why are you smiling?
INIGO: Because I know something you don't know.
WESTLEY: And what is that?
INIGO: I am not left-handed!
WESTLEY: You are amazing.
INIGO: I ought to be, after twenty years.
WESTLEY: There's something I ought to tell you.
INIGO: Tell me.
WESTLEY: I'm not left-handed either.
INIGO: Who are you?
WESTLEY: No one of consequence.
INIGO: I must know.
WESTLEY: Get used to disappointment.
INIGO: Okay.
INIGO: Kill me quickly.
WESTLEY: I would as soon destroy a stained glass window as an artist like
yourself. However, since I can't have you following me either--
Please understand, I hold you in the highest respect.
VIZZINI: Inconceivable! Give her to me. Catch up with us quickly!
FEZZIK: What do I do?
VIZZINI: Finish him. Finish him! Your way!
FEZZIK: Oh good. My way. Thank you, Vizzini. ...Which way is my way?
VIZZINI: Pick up one of these rocks. Get behind the boulder. In a few minutes,
the man in black will come running around the bend. The minute his
HEAD is in view, HIT IT WITH THE ROCK!!
FEZZIK: My way's not very sportsmanlike.
FEZZIK: I did that on purpose. I didn't have to miss.
WESTLEY: I believe you. ...So what happens now?
FEZZIK: We face each other as God intended-- sportsmanlike. No tricks, no
weapons; skill against skill alone.
WESTLEY: You mean... you'll put down your rock and I'll put down my sword and
we'll try and kill each other like civilized people?
FEZZIK: I could kill you now.
WESTLEY: Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favor at hand
fighting.
FEZZIK: It's not my fault being the biggest and the strongest. I don't even
exercise.
WESTLEY: Look-- are you just fiddling around with me or what?
FEZZIK: I just want you to feel you are doing well. I hate for people to die
embarassed.
FEZZIK: You're quick.
WESTLEY: And a good thing, too.
FEZZIK: Why are you wearing a mask? Were you burned by acid, or something
like that?
WESTLEY: Oh no, it's just they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone'll
be wearing them in the future.
FEZZIK: I just figured why you give me so much trouble.
WESTLEY: Why is that... do you think?
FEZZIK: Well, haven't fought just one person for so long; been specializing
in groups, battling gangs for local charities, that kind
of thing.
WESTLEY: Why should that make such a difference?
FEZZIK: Well, you see-- you use different moves... when you're fighting...
half a dozen... people... than when you only... have to be worried...
about one...
WESTLEY: I do not envy you the headache you'll have when you wake; but in the
meantime rest well, and dream of large women.
PRINCE: There was a mighty duel. It ranged all over. They were both masters.
RUGEN: Who won? How did it end?
PRINCE: The loser ran off alone... but the winner followed those footprints...
toward Guilder.
RUGEN: Shall we track them both?
PRINCE: The loser is nothing. Only the Princess matters. Clearly this was all
planned by warriors of Guilder. We must all be ready for whatever
lies ahead.
RUGEN: Could this be a trap?
PRINCE: I always think everything could be a trap... which is why I'm still
alive.
VIZZINI: So... it is down to you, and it is down to me.
VIZZINI: If you wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward.
WESTLEY: Let me explain.
VIZZINI: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap what I've
rightfully stolen.
WESTLEY: Perhaps... an arrangement can be reached?
VIZZINI: There will be no arrangement. ...And you're killing her.
WESTLEY: Well, if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
VIZZINI: I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically, and you're no
match for my brains.
WESTLEY: You're that smart.
VIZZINI: Let me put it this way: Have you ever heard of Plato? Aristotle?
Socrates?
WESTLEY: Yes...
VIZZINI: Morons.
WESTLEY: Really. In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
VIZZINI: For the princess?
VIZZINI: To the death?
VIZZINI: I accept.
WESTLEY: Good. Then pour the wine.
WESTLEY: Inhale this, but do not touch.
VIZZINI: I smell nothing.
WESTLEY: What you don't smell is called iocaine powder. It is odorless,
tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more
deadly poisons known to man.
VIZZINI: Hm.
VIZZINI: Heh.
WESTLEY: All right, where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It
ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right,
and who is dead.
VIZZINI: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of
you: are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own
goblet or his enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into
his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would
reach for what he was given; I am not a great fool, so I can clearly
not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was
not a great fool-- you would have counted on it-- so I can clearly
not choose the wine in front of me!
WESTLEY: You've made your decision then?
VIZZINI: Not remotely! Because iocaine comes from Australia, as everybody
knows; and Australia is entirely peopled with criminals; and criminals
are used to having people not trust them (as you are not trusted by
me), so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
WESTLEY: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
VIZZINI: Wait till I get going! ...where was I?
WESTLEY: Australia.
VIZZINI: Yes, Australia! And you must have suspected I would know the powder's
origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
WESTLEY: You're just stalling now.
VIZZINI: You'd like to THINK that, wouldn't you? You've beaten my giant,
which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could have put the
poison in your own goblet, trusting in your strength to save you,
so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've
also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and, in
studying, you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have
put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not
choose the wine in front of me!
WESTLEY: You're trying to trick me into giving away something. It won't work.
VIZZINI: It HAS worked! You've given everything away! I know where the poison
is!
WESTLEY: Then make your choice.
VIZZINI: I will! And I choose-- what in the world can that be?
WESTLEY: What? Where? I don't see anything.
VIZZINI: Oh, well... I... could have sworn I saw something...ah... no matter.
WESTLEY: What's so funny?
VIZZINI: I'll-- tell you in a minute. First, let's drink: me from my glass,
and you from yours.
WESTLEY: You guessed wrong.
VIZZINI: You only think I guessed wrong; that's what's so funny! I switched
glasses while your back was turned! Ha ha, you fool! You fell victim
to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is "never get involved
in a land war in Asia," but only slightly less well-known is this:
never go in against a Sicilian when DEATH is on the line! A ha ha ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha--
BUTTERCUP: Who are you?
WESTLEY: I am no one to be trifled with. That is you ever need know.
BUTTERCUP: To think-- all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.
WESTLEY: They were both poisoned. I've spent the last few years building up
an immunity to iocaine powder.
PRINCE: Someone has beaten a giant. There will be great suffering in Guilder
if she dies.
WESTLEY: Catch your breath.
BUTTERCUP: If you'll release me, whatever you ask for ransom, you'll get it,
I promise you!
WESTLEY: Ha ha ha ha ha! And what is that worth? The promise of a woman.
You're very funny, Highness.
BUTTERCUP: I was giving you a chance. It does not matter where you take me;
there is no greater hunter than Prince Humperdinck. He can track a
falcon on a cloudy day; he can find you.
WESTLEY: You think your dearest love will save you?
BUTTERCUP: I never said he was my dearest love. And yes, he will save me;
that I know.
WESTLEY: You admit to me you do not love your fiancee?
BUTTERCUP: He knows I do not love him.
WESTLEY: "Are not capable of love" is what you mean.
BUTTERCUP: I have loved more deeply than a killer like yourself could ever
dream!
WESTLEY: That was a warning, Highness. The next time my hand flies on its
own, for where I come from there are penalties when a woman lies.
PRINCE: Iocaine; I'd bet my life on it. And there are the Princess'
footprints. She is alive-- or was, an hour ago. If she is otherwise
when I find her, I shall be very put out.
WESTLEY: Rest, Highness.
BUTTERCUP: I know who you are; your cruelty reveals everything. You are the
Dread Pirate Roberts, admit it!
WESTLEY: With pride. What can I do for you?
BUTTERCUP: You can die slowly, cut into a thousand pieces.
WESTLEY: Tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk. Hardly complimentary, your Highness. Why loose
your venom on me?
BUTTERCUP: You killed my love.
WESTLEY: It's possible. I kill a lot of people. Who was this love of yours?
Another prince, like this one? Ugly, rich, and scabby?
BUTTERCUP: No. A farm boy, poor. Poor and perfect... with eyes like the sea
after a storm. On the high seas your ship attacked, and the Dread
Pirate Roberts never takes prisoners.
WESTLEY: I can't afford to make exceptions. I mean, once word leaks out that
a pirate has gone soft, people begin to disobey you and then it's
nothing but work, work, work all the time.
BUTTERCUP: You mock my pain!
WESTLEY: Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling
something.
I remember this farm boy of yours, I think. This would be
what, five years ago? Does it bother you to hear?
BUTTERCUP: Nothing you can say will upset me.
WESTLEY: He died well; that should please you. No bribe attempts or
blubbering. He simply said, "Please... please, I need to live." 'Twas
the "please" that caught my memory. I asked him what was so important
for him; "true love," he replied. And then he spoke of a girl of
surpassing beauty and faithfulness (I can only assume he meant you)...
you should bless me for destroying him before he found out what you
really are.
BUTTERCUP: And what am I?
WESTLEY: Faithfulness he talked of, madam, your enduring faithfulness. Now
tell me truly: when you found out he was gone, did you get engaged to
your prince that same hour, or did you wait a whole week out of
respect for the dead?
BUTTERCUP: You mocked me once; never do it again! I died that day!
You can die too for all I care!
WESTLEY: Aaaaaaaas yyooooouuu wiiiiiissshhh....
BUTTERCUP: Oh my sweet Westley! What have I done?
PRINCE: They've disappeared. He must have seen us closing in, which might
account for his panicking and error. Unless I am wrong-- and I am
never wrong-- they are headed dead into the Fire Swamp.
WESTLEY: Can you move at all?
BUTTERCUP: Move? You're alive! If you want, I can fly!
WESTLEY: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?
BUTTERCUP: Well, you were dead.
WESTLEY: Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.
BUTTERCUP: I will never doubt again.
WESTLEY: There will never be a need.
--------------
KID: Oh no... no, please.
GRANDPA: What is it? What's the matter?
KID: They're kissing again. Do we HAVE to hear the kissing part?
GRANDPA: Someday, you may not mind so much.
KID: Skip on to the Fire Swamp. That sounded good.
GRANDPA: Oh. You're sick; I'll humor you. So now where were we: mm,
yeah, yeah... oh, okay. "Westley and Buttercup raced along the ravine
floor.
WESTLEY: Ha! Your pig fianc‚e is too late. A few more steps and we'll be safe
in the Fire Swamp.
BUTTERCUP: We'll never survive!
WESTLEY: Nonsense. You're only saying that because no one ever has.
WESTLEY: It's not that bad. ...Well, I'm not saying I'd like to build a
summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely.
WESTLEY: Well now. That was an adventure. Singed a bit, were you?
No. You?
WESTLEY: Well... one thing I will say: the Fire Swamp certainly does keep
you on your toes.
WESTLEY: This will all soon be but a happy memory. So Roberts' ship Revenge
was anchored at the far end. And I, as you know, am Roberts.
BUTTERCUP: But how is that possible? since he has been marauding twenty
years, and you only left me five years ago?
WESTLEY: I myself am often surprised by life's little quirks.
You see, what I told you about saying "please"
was true. I intrigued Roberts, as did my description of your beauty.
Finally, Roberts decided something. He said, "All right, Westley;
I've never had a valet: you can try it for tonight. I'll most likely
kill you in the morning." Three years he said that: "Good night,
Westley; good work, sleep well; I'll most likely kill you in the
morning." It was a fine time for me; I was learning to fence, fight--
anything anyone would teach me. And Roberts and I eventually became
friends. And then it happened.
BUTTERCUP: What? Go on.
WESTLEY: Well, Roberts had grown so rich he wanted to retire. So he took me
to his cabin, and told me his secret. "I am not the Dread Pirate
Roberts," he said. "My name is Ryan. I inherited the ship from the
previous Dread Pirate Roberts, just as you will inherit it from me.
The man I inherited it from was not the real Dread Pirate Roberts
either. His name was Cummberbund. The real Roberts has been retired
fifteen years and living like a king in Patagonia." Thank you. Then
he explained: the NAME was the important thing for inspiring the
necessary fear. You see, no one would surrender to the Dread Pirate
Westley. So we sailed ashore, took on an entirely new crew, and he
stayed aboard for a while as first mate, all the time calling me
"Roberts." Once the crew believed, ah-- he left the ship, and I have
been Roberts ever since. Except now that we are together, I shall
retire and hand the name over to someone else. Is everything clear
to you?
BUTTERCUP: We'll never succeed. We may as well die here.
WESTLEY: No! No! We have already succeeded! I mean, what are the three
terrors of the Fire Swamp? One, the Flame Spurt: no problem. There's
a popping sound preceding each, we can avoid that. Two, the
lightning sand, which you were clever enough to discover what that
looks like, so in the future we can avoid that too.
BUTTERCUP: Westley! What about the ROUSes?
WESTLEY: Rodents Of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist.
BUTTERCUP: We did it.
WESTLEY: Now, was that so terrible?
PRINCE: Surrender!
WESTLEY: You mean you wish to surrender to me? Very well, I accept.
PRINCE: I give you full marks for bravery; don't make yourself a fool.
WESTLEY: Ah, but how will you capture us? We know the secrets of the Fire
Swamp. We can live there quite happily for some time, so whenever
you feel like dying, feel free to visit.
PRINCE: I tell you once again: surrender!
WESTLEY: It will not happen.
PRINCE: For the last time, surrender!
WESTLEY: Death first!
BUTTERCUP: Will you promise not to hurt him?
PRINCE: What was that?
WESTLEY: What was that?
BUTTERCUP: If we surrender, and I return with you, will you promise not to
hurt this man?
PRINCE: May I live a thousand years and never hunt again.
BUTTERCUP: He is a sailor on the pirate ship Revenge. Promise to return him
to his ship.
PRINCE: I swear it will be done. ... Once we're out of sight, take him back
to Florin and throw him in the Pit of Despair.
RUGEN: I swear it will be done.
BUTTERCUP: I thought you were dead once, and it almost destroyed me. I could
not bear it if you died again. What more than I could save you?
RUGEN: Come, sir. We must get you to your ship.
WESTLEY: We are men of action. Lies do not become us.
RUGEN: Well spoken, sir. ...What is it?
WESTLEY: You have six fingers on your right hand. Someone was looking for
you.
WESTLEY: Where am I?
ALBINO: The Pit of Despair! Don't even think-- --don't
even think about tryin' to escape; the chains are far to thick. Have
no dream of bein' rescued, either; the only way in is secret; only
the Prince, the Count and I know how to get in and out.
WESTLEY: Then I'm here till I die?
ALBINO: Till they kill you, yeah.
WESTLEY: Then why bother curing me?
ALBINO: The Prince and the Count always insist on everyone bein'
healthy... before they're broken.
WESTLEY: So it's to be torture.
WESTLEY: I can cope with torture.
WESTLEY: You don't believe me?
ALBINO: You survived the Fire Swamp, you must be very brave; but NOBODY
withstands the Machine.
PRINCE: She's been like that ever since the Fire Swamp. It's my father's
failing health that's upsetting her.
RUGEN: Of course.
GRANDPA: The king died that very night, and before the following dawn,
Buttercup and Humperdinck wer married. And at noon she met her
subjects again, this time as their Queen.
PRINCE: My father's final words were--
------------------
KID: Hold it, hold it, Grandpa-- you read that wrong. She doesn't marry
Humperdinck, she marries Westley. Just sure of it. After all that
Westley did for her, if she didn't marry him... it wouldn't be fair.
GRANDPA: Well, who says life is fair? Where is that written?
KID: I'm telling you, you're messing up the story! Now get it right!
GRANDPA: Do you want me to go on with this?
KID: Yes...
GRANDPA: All right then; no more interruptions. "At noon she met her subjects
again, this time as their Queen.
PRINCE: My father's final words were, "Love her as I loved her, and there
will be joy." I present to you your Queen: Queen Buttercup!
WOMAN: Boo! Boo! Boooo!
BUTTERCUP: Why do you do this?
WOMAN: Because you had love in your hands! And you gave it up!
BUTTERCUP: But they would have killed Westley if I hadn't done it.
WOMAN: Your true love lives! And you marry another. True love saved her in the
Fire Swamp, and she treated it like garbage! And that's what she is--
the Queen of Refuse! So bow down to her if you want! Bow to her! Bow
to the Queen of Slime! The Queen of Filth! The Queen of Putrescence!
Boo! Boo! Rubbish! Filth! Slime! Muck! Boo! Boo! BOOOO!!
GRANDPA: It was ten days till the wedding. The king still lived, but
Buttercup's nightmares were growing steadily worse.
KID: See? Didn't I tell you she'd never marry that rotten Humperdinck?
GRANDPA: Yes. You're very smart. Shut up.
BUTTERCUP: It comes to this. I love Westley. I always have. I know now I
always will. If you tell me I must marry you in ten days, please
believe, I will be dead by morning.
PRINCE: I could never cause you grief; Consider our wedding off. You returned
this Westley to his ship?
RUGEN: Yes.
PRINCE: Then we will simply alert him! Beloved, are you certain he still wants
you? After all, it was you who did the leaving in the Fire Swamp; not
to mention that pirates are not known to be men of their words.
BUTTERCUP: My Westley will always come for me.
PRINCE: Ah. I suggest a deal. You write four copies of a letter. I'll send my
four fastest ships, one in each direction. The Dread Pirate Roberts
is always close to Florin this time of year. We'll run up the white
flag and deliver your message. If Westley wants you, bless you both.
If not, please consider me as an alternative to suicide? Are we
agreed?
RUGEN: Your Princess is really quite a winning creature. A trifle simple
perhaps, but her appeal is undeniable.
PRINCE: I know, the people are quite taken with her. It's odd, but when I
hired Vizzini to have her murdered on our engagement day, I thought
that was clever; but it's going to be so much more moving when I
strangle her on our wedding night. Once Guilder is blamed, the
nation will be truly outraged; they'll demand that we go to war.
RUGEN: Now where is that secret knot? It's impossible to find.
Ah. Are you coming down into the pit? Westley's got his
strength back; I'm starting him on the Machine tonight.
PRINCE: Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work; but I've got my
country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife
to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped.
RUGEN: Get some rest. If you haven't got your health, you haven't got
anything.
PRINCE: Beautiful, isn't it? Took me half a lifetime to invent it. I'm sure
you've discovered my deep and abiding interest in pain; presently
I'm writing the definitive work on the subject. So I want you to be
totally honest with me on how the Machine makes you feel. This being
our first try, I'll use the lowest setting.
RUGEN: As you know, the principle of the suction pump is centuries old.
Really, that's all this is, except that instead of sucking water, I'm
sucking life. I've just sucked one year of your life away. I might
one day go as high as five, but I really don't know what that would
do to you; so, let's just start with what we have. What did this do
to you? Tell me. And remember, this is for posterity, so-- be honest.
How do you feel?
WESTLEY:
RUGEN: Interesting.
YELLIN: Ahem.
PRINCE: Yellin.
YELLIN: Sire.
PRINCE: As chief enforcer of all Florin, I trust you with this secret:
killers from Guilder are infiltrating the Thieves' Forest, and plan
to murder my bride on our wedding night.
YELLIN: My spy network has heard no such news.
BUTTERCUP: Any word from Westley?
PRINCE: Too soon, my angel! Patience.
BUTTERCUP: He will come for me.
PRINCE: Of course. ...She will not be murdered. On the day of the wedding,
I want the Thieves' Forest emptied, and every inhabitant arrested.
YELLIN: Many of the thieves will resist. My regular enforcers will be inadequate.
PRINCE: Form a Brute Squad, then! I want the Thieves' Forest emptied before
I wed.
YELLIN: It won't be easy, sire.
PRINCE: Try ruling the world sometime.
GRANDPA: The day of the wedding arrived. The Brute Squad had their hands full
carrying out the Prince's orders.
YELLIN: Is everybody out?
BRUTE: Almost. There's a Spaniard giving us some trouble.
YELLIN: Well, you give him some trouble. Move.
INIGO: I am waiting for you, Vizzini! You told me to go back to the beginning!
So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will
not be moved.
BRUTE: Ho there!
INIGO: I do not budge. Keep your "ho there."
BRUTE: But the Prince gave orders!
INIGO: Only Vizzini! When the job went wrong he went
back to the beginning. Well, this is where we got the job. So is the
beginning. And I am staying here till Vizzini come.
BRUTE: You! Brute! Come here!
INIGO: I am waiting for... Vizzini.
FEZZIK: You surely are a meanie. ...Hello.
INIGO: It's you.
FEZZIK: True. You don't look so good. You don't smell so
good either.
INIGO: Perhaps no. I feel fine.
FEZZIK: Yeah.
GRANDPA: Fezzik and Inigo were reunited. And as Fezzik nursed his inebriated
friend back to health, he told Inigo of Vizzini's death, and the
existence of Count Rugen, the six-fingered man. Considering Inigo's
lifelong search, he handled the news surprisingly well.
INIGO: That's enough. That's enough! Where is this Rugen now, so I may kill
him?
FEZZIK: He's with the Prince, in the castle. But the castle gate is guarded
by thirty men.
INIGO: How many could you handle?
FEZZIK: I don't think more than ten.
INIGO: Leaving twenty for me. At my best I could never defeat that many. I
need Vizzini to plan. I have no gift for strategy.
FEZZIK: But Vizzini is dead.
INIGO: No. Not Vizzini. I need the man in black.
FEZZIK: What?
INIGO: Look. He bested you with strength, your greatness. He bested me with
steel. He must have out-thought Vizzini. And the man who can do that
can plan my castle onslaught any day. Let's go.
FEZZIK: Where?
INIGO: To find the man in black, obviously.
FEZZIK: But you don't know where he is.
INIGO: Don't bother me with trifles. After twenty years, at last my father's
soul will be at peace. There will be blood tonight!
PRINCE: Rise and report.
YELLIN: The Thieves' Forest is emptied. Thirty men guard the castle gate.
PRINCE: Double it. My princess must be safe.
YELLIN: The gate has but one key... and I carry that.
PRINCE: Ah, my dulcet darling. Tonight we marry. Tomorrow morning your men
will escort us to Florin Channel, where every ship in our armada
waits to accompany us on our honeymoon.
BUTTERCUP: Every ship but your four fastest, you mean.
BUTTERCUP: Every ship but the four you sent.
PRINCE: Yes. Yes, of course. Naturally, not those four.
YELLIN: Your Majesty.
BUTTERCUP: You never sent the ships. Don't bother lying. Doesn't matter;
Westley will come for me anyway.
PRINCE: You're a silly girl.
BUTTERCUP: Yes, I am a silly girl-- for not having seen sooner that you are
nothing but a coward with a heart full of fear.
PRINCE: I would not say such things if I were you.
BUTTERCUP: Why not? You can't hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds
of love; and you cannot track that, not with a thousand
bloodhounds; and you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords.
And when I say you are a coward, it is only because you are the
slimiest weakling ever to crawl the earth!
PRINCE: I would not say such things if I were you!
PRINCE: You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not
one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks
say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as
you will.
RUGEN: Not to fifty!
INIGO: Fezzik! Fezzik! Listen! Do you hear? That is the sound of Ultimate
Suffering. My heart made that sound when Rugen slaughtered my father.
The man in black makes it now.
FEZZIK: The man in black?
INIGO: His true love is marrying another tonight. So who else has the cause
for Ultimate Suffering? 'Scuse me. Pardon me, it's important. Fezzik,
please.
FEZZIK: Everybody, MOVE!!
INIGO: Thank you.
INIGO: Where is the man in black? You get there from this grove, yes? Fezzik,
jog his memory.
FEZZIK: I'm sorry, Inigo... I didn't mean to jog him so hard. ...Inigo?
INIGO: Father... I have failed you for twenty years. Now our misery can end.
Somewhere, somewhere close by is a man who can help us. I cannot find
him alone; I need you. I need you to guide my sword. Please... guide
my sword.
FEZZIK: He's dead.
INIGO: This is not fair.
-------------------
KID: Grandpa, grandpa, wait, wait. What did Fezzik mean, "he's dead"? I mean,
he didn't mean... dead? Westley's only faking, right?
GRANDPA: You want me to read this, or not?
KID: Who gets Humperdinck?
GRANDPA: I don't understand.
KID: Who kills Prince Humperdinck? At the end! Somebody's gotta do it. Is it
Inigo? Who?
GRANDPA: Nobody. Nobody kills him. He lives.
KID: You mean he wins? Jesus, Grandpa, what did you read me this thing for?
GRANDPA: You know, you've been very sick, and you're taking this story very
seriously. I think we oughtta stop now.
KID: No... I'm okay, I'm okay. Sit down. I'm all right.
GRANDPA: Okay. All right now, let's see, where were we? Ohh yes. In the Pit
of Despair.
----------------------
INIGO: The Montoyas have never taken defeat easily. Come along, Fezzik; bring
the body.
FEZZIK: The body?
INIGO: Have you any money?
FEZZIK: I have a little.
INIGO: I just hope it's enough to buy a miracle, that's all.
MIRACLE MAX: Go away!
MAX: What? What?
INIGO: Are you the Miracle Max who worked for the king all those years?
MAX: The king's stinking son fired me. And thank you so much for bringing up
such a painful subject. While you're at it why don't you give me a
nice papercut and pour lemon juice on it? We're closed!
MAX: Beat it, or I'll call the Brute Squad.
FEZZIK: I'm on the Brute Squad.
MAX: You ARE the Brute Squad.
INIGO: We need a miracle. It's very important.
MAX: Look, I'm retired. And besides, why would you want somebody the king's
stinking son fired? I might kill whoever you wanted me to miracle.
INIGO: He's already dead.
MAX: He is, huh? I'll take a look. Bring him in.
MAX: I've seen worse.
INIGO: Sir? Sir?
MAX: Huh?
INIGO: We're in a terrible rush.
MAX: Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.
You got money?
INIGO: Sixty-five.
MAX: Sheesh. I never work for so little. Except once; and that was a very
noble cause.
INIGO: This is noble, sir. His wife is... cripple. His children are on the
brink of starvation.
MAX: Are you a rotten liar.
INIGO: I need him to help me avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.
MAX: Your first story was better. Where's that bellows cram? He probably
owes you money, ah? Well, I'll ask him.
INIGO: He's dead. He can't talk.
MAX: Woo hoo hoo! Look who knows so much, heh! Well, it just so happens that
your friend here is only MOSTLY dead. There's a big difference
between mostly dead and all dead. Please, open his mouth. Now,
mostly dead, he's slightly alive. Now, all dead, well, with all dead,
there's usually only one thing you can do.
INIGO: What's that?
MAX: Go through his clothes and look for loose change. ...Hey! Hello in there!
What's so important? What'cha got here that's worth living for?
WESTLEY: Trruuueee..... lloooovve...
INIGO: "True love!" You heard him? You could not ask for a more noble cause
than that.
MAX: Yeah, sonny... true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for
a nice MLT: mutton, lettuce, and tomato sandwich, when the mutton is
nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe... they're so
perky; I love that. But that's not what he said! He distinctly said,
"To blave..." and as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff!" So
you were probably playing cards, and he cheated! And...
VALERIE: Liar! Liar! Liar!!
MAX: Get back, witch!
VALERIE: I'm not a witch, I'm your wife! But after what you just said, I'm
not even sure I wanna be that anymore!
MAX: You never had it so good.
VALERIE: "True love," he said, "true love," Max!
MAX: Don't say another word, Valerie!
VALERIE: He's afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence
is shattered!
MAX: Why'd you have to say that name? You promised me that you would never
say that name!
VALERIE: What? Humperdinck? Humperdinck! Humperdinck,
Humperdinck, Humperdinck! True love
lies expiring, and you don't have the decency to say why you won't
help!
MAX: Nobody's hearin' nothin'!
VALERIE: Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
INIGO: This is Buttercup's true love! If you heal him, he will stop
Humperdinck's wedding!
MAX: Wait. Wait. If I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?
INIGO: Humiliations galore.
MAX: Ha haa! That is a noble cause. Gimme the sixty-five. I'm on the
job!
VALERIE: Woo hoo!
INIGO: That's a miracle pill?
VALERIE: The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But, you have to wait
fifteen minutes for full potency. And, he shouldn't go in swimming
after for at least... what?
MAX: An hour.
VALERIE: Yeah, an hour.
MAX: A good hour. Yeah.
INIGO: Thank you for everything.
MAX: Okay.
VALERIE: Bye bye, boys.
MAX: Have fun storming the castle!
VALERIE: Think it'll woyk?
MAX: It would take a miracle. Bye bye!
FEZZIK: Inigo! There's more than thirty.
INIGO: What's the difference? We've got him. Help me here. We'll have to
force-feed him.
FEZZIK: Has it been fifteen minutes?
INIGO: We can't wait. The wedding's in half an hour. We must strike in the
hustle and the bustle beforehand. Tilt his head back. Open his mouth.
FEZZIK: How long do we have to wait before if we know the miracle works?
INIGO: Your guess is as good as mine.
WESTLEY: I beat you both apart! I'll take you both together!
FEZZIK: I guess not very long.
WESTLEY: Why won't my arms move?
FEZZIK: You've been mostly dead all day.
INIGO: We had Miracle Max make a pill to bring you back.
WESTLEY: Who are you? Are we enemies? Why am I on this wall? Where's
Buttercup?
INIGO: Let me explain: --no, there is too much. Let me sum up: Buttercup is
marry Humperdinck in little less than half an hour. So all we have
to do is get in, break up the wedding, steal the Princess, make our
escape-- after I kill Count Rugen.
WESTLEY: That doesn't leave much time for dilly-dallying.
FEZZIK: You just wiggled your finger! That's wonderful!
WESTLEY: I've always been a quick healer. What are our liabilities?
INIGO: There is but one working castle gate. And it is guarded by... sixty
men.
WESTLEY: And our assets?
INIGO: Your brains. Fezzik's strength. My steel.
WESTLEY: That's it? Impossible. Maybe if I had a month to plan I could come
up with something, but this...
FEZZIK: You just shook your head! That doesn't make you happy?
WESTLEY: My brains, his steel, and your strength against sixty men and you
think a little head-jiggle is supposed to make me happy? Hmm? I mean,
if we only had a wheelbarrow, that would be something.
INIGO: Where did we put that wheelbarrow the albino had?
FEZZIK: Well, with the albino, I think.
WESTLEY: Well, why didn't you list that with our assets in the first place?
What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak.
INIGO: There we cannot help you.
FEZZIK: Will this do?
INIGO: Where did you get that?
FEZZIK: At Miracle Max's. It fit so nice, he said I could keep it.
WESTLEY: All right, all right, help me up. Now, I'll need a sword eventually.
INIGO: Why? You can't even lift one.
WESTLEY: True, but that's hardly common knowledge, is it? Thank you. Now,
there may be problems once we're inside.
INIGO: I'll say. How do I find the Count? Once I do, how do I find you again?
Once I find you again, how do we escape?
FEZZIK: Don't pester. He's had a hard day.
INIGO: Right. Right. Sorry.
FEZZIK: Inigo!
INIGO: What?
FEZZIK: I hope we win.
PRINCE: You don't seem excited, my little muffin.
BUTTERCUP: Should I be?
PRINCE: Brides often are, I'm told.
BUTTERCUP: I do not marry tonight. My Westley will save me.
PRIEST: Mawwage. Mawwage is what bwings us togethah today. Mawwage, that
bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam.
YELLIN: Stand your ground!
FEZZIK: I am the Dread Pirate Roberts! There will be no survivors!
INIGO: Now?
WESTLEY: Not yet.
FEZZIK: I am here. I am here... but soon you will not be here.
INIGO: Now?
WESTLEY: Light him.
FEZZIK: The Dread Pirate Roberts takes no survivors. All your worst
nightmares are about to come true!
PRIEST: Then wove-- twue wove-- will fowww you fowevaw...
FEZZIK: The Dread Pirate Roberts is here for your souls!!
PRIEST: So tweasuah your wove...
PRINCE: Skip to the end.
PRIEST: Have you the wing?
BUTTERCUP: Here comes my Westley now.
WESTLEY: Fezzik! The portcullis!
PRINCE: Your Westley is dead. I killed him myself.
BUTTERCUP: Then why is there fear behind your eyes?
WESTLEY: Give us the gate key.
YELLIN: I have no gate key.
INIGO: Fezzik, tear his arms off.
YELLIN: Oh, you mean this gate key.
PRIEST: And do you, Pwincess Buhhcwup...
PRINCE: "Man and wife!" Say "man and wife!"
PRIEST: Man and wife.
PRINCE: Escort the bride to the honeymoon suite. I'll be there shortly.
BUTTERCUP: He didn't come.
RUGEN: Kill the dark one and the giant, but leave the third for questioning.
INIGO: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
INIGO: Fezzik! I need you!
FEZZIK: I can't leave him alone.
INIGO: He's getting away from me, Fezzik! Please!! Fezzik!
FEZZIK: I'll be right back.
INIGO: Thank you.
KING: Strange wedding.
QUEEN: Yes. A very strange wedding. Come along now.
KING: What was that for?
BUTTERCUP: Because you've always been so kind to me, and I won't be seeing
you again, since I'm killing myself once we reach the honeymoon suite.
KING: Won't that be nice. ...She kissed me!
INIGO: I'm sorry, father. I tried. I tried.
RUGEN: You must be that little Spanish brat I taught a lesson to all those
years ago. Simply incredible. Have you been chasing me your whole
life, only to fail now? I think that's the worst thing I've ever
heard. How marvellous.
WESTLEY: There is a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. 'Twould pe a
pity to damage yours.
BUTTERCUP: Westley! Oh, Westley, darling!
Westley, why don't you hold me?
WESTLEY: Gently.
BUTTERCUP: At a time like this, that's all you can think to say? "Gently"?
WESTLEY: Gently!
RUGEN: Good heavens. Are you still trying to win? You've got an overdeveloped
sense of vengeance. It's going to get you into trouble some day.
INIGO: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
INIGO: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
INIGO: Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!
RUGEN: Stop saying that!
INIGO: Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!!
RUGEN: No!
INIGO: Offer me money.
RUGEN: Yes.
INIGO: Power too, promise me that.
RUGEN: All that I have and more. Please.
INIGO: Offer me everything I ask for.
RUGEN: Anything you want.
INIGO: I want my father back, you son of a bitch.
BUTTERCUP: Oh Westley, will you ever forgive me?
WESTLEY: What hideous sin have you committed lately?
BUTTERCUP: I got married. I didn't want to; it all happened so fast.
WESTLEY: It never happened.
BUTTERCUP: What?
WESTLEY: It never happened!
BUTTERCUP: But it did! I was there! This old man said "man and wife!"
WESTLEY: Did you say "I do"?
BUTTERCUP: Oh, no... we sort of skipped that part.
WESTLEY: Then you're not married. You didn't say it, you didn't do it.
...Wouldn't you agree, your Highness?
PRINCE: A technicality that will shortly be remedied. But first things first.
To the death!
WESTLEY: No! To the pain.
PRINCE: I don't think I'm quite familiar with that phrase.
WESTLEY: I'll explain. And I'll use small words so you'll be sure to
understand, you warthog-faced buffoon.
PRINCE: That may be the first time in my life a man has dared insult me.
WESTLEY: It won't be the last. "To the pain" means the first thing you lose
will be the feet, below the ankles. Then your hands, at the wrists;
next, your nose.
PRINCE: And then my tongue, I suppose. I killed you too quickly the last
time, a mistake I don't mean to duplicate tonight.
WESTLEY: I wasn't finished! The next thing you lose will be your left eye,
followed by your right.
PRINCE: And then my ears, I understand, let's get on with it.
WESTLEY: Wrong! Your ears you keep, and I'll tell you why: so that every
shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to
cherish; every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who
cries out, "Dear God, what is that THING?" will echo in your perfect
ears. That is what "to the pain" means; it means I will leave you in
agony, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
PRINCE: I think you're bluffing.
WESTLEY: It's possible, pig. I might be bluffing. It's conceivable, you
miserable vomitous mass, that I'm only lying here because I lack the
strength to stand. Then again... perhaps I have the strength after
all.
Drop... your... sword.
Have a seat.
Tie him up. Make it as tight as you like.
INIGO: Where's Fezzik?
WESTLEY: I thought he was with you.
INIGO: No.
WESTLEY: In that case ...
INIGO: Help him.
BUTTERCUP: Why does Westley need helping?
INIGO: Because he has no strength.
PRINCE: I knew it! I knew you were bluffing! I knew he was... bluffing.
INIGO: Shall I dispatch him for you?
WESTLEY: Thank you, but no. Whatever happens to us, I want him to live a long
life, alone with his cowardice.
FEZZIK: Inigo! Inigo! Where are you? Oh, there you are. Inigo, I was at the
Prince's stables, and there they were-- four white horses. And I
thought, there are four of us-- if we ever find the lady... hello,
lady!... so I took them with me, in case we ever bumped into each
other. And I guess we just did.
INIGO: Fezzik, you did something right.
FEZZIK: Don't worry. I won't let it go to my head.
INIGO: You know, it's very strange... I have been in the revenge business so
long; now that it's over, I don't know what to do with the rest of
my life.
WESTLEY: Have you ever considered piracy? You'd make a wonderful Dread
Pirate Roberts.
GRANDPA: They rode to freedom, and as dawn arose, Westley and Buttercup knew
they were safe. A wave of love swept over them; and as they reached
for each other--
------------------
KID: What? What??
GRANDPA: Nah, it's kissing again. You don't wanna hear that.
KID: Well... I don't mind so much.
GRANDPA: Ah... okay. "Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five
kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one
left them all behind." The end. Now, I think you oughtta go to sleep.
KID: Okay.
GRANDPA: All right. Okay. ...Okay. ...Okay. All right. So long.
KID: Grandpa? ...Maybe you could come over and read it again to me tomorrow.
GRANDPA: As you wish.
*******************
Yeah, I know it's not perfect. There are spots where Fezzik's mumbling or
Westley's rapid-fire talk defeated even the most diligent attempts to
decipher them. Though those parts are few, they can be found easily-- they're
marked with a . If you can fill those blanks in, feel free. I'd
appreciate a correction as well. Oh well... enjoy the rest.