Monday, March 16, 2009

The Forsaken Frontiers of Sex

When you look at the progress that as a species we've made in the fields of math or science, say, it is quite impressive. Or aerodynamics. You could study that stuff for years and STILL not know all that is possible to learn on the topic. There is also no way you could invent or discover all those enlightening things in one lifetime. It took us thousands of years of generations each building on what the other had learned to get to the insane amount of complex truths we have nowadays.

Back in the day, your father would come up to you when you turned eighteen. It would be time for that talk. He would say, "Look, son, there's something I have to talk to you about. I've been doing quite a bit of studying and research over my years, and now I'm getting to be an old man. But in that time I've learned that you can take one big rock and ADD it to another big rock, and then you'll have TWO big rocks!" It was simply amazing back then.

And then you could go on and study and research and discover that, wow--if you took those two rocks, and MINUSED one of the rocks from it, you'd be back at ONE rock again! So you'd pass that on to your son, and he'd go on and discover something new and wonderful in his lifetime. And eventually they were getting to cool things like division and Pythagorean theorems and nuclear physics. Today it takes at least twelve years just to get the minimum of knowledge you need to survive in these times.

See why the human race has such a problem with good sex? --You can't pass that kind of thing on to your kids!

Imagine your dad: "Hey, son, I want to show you this little trick that I learned on your mother." --It just doesn't work like that! One generation hasn't been able to build on the knowledge of the others before it, and thus discover great and wonderful new things. If your dad told you anything about sex at all it was probably vague and far too minimalist to actually do you any good. So here we are, still stuck in the sex stone age adding big rocks together.

Eventually they invented sex experts, who try to do their best--but we've already lost thousands of years of time that could have been spent discovering wonderful new things about this crucial field of research. We're still like, "Uh, I just put it in and wiggle it around, right?" when, imagine, we could be onto polynomial orgasms to the thirteenth power and astro-fusion sex positions. This deeply saddens me.

So, it's up to us. (Someone has to take sex seriously.)

I commission you, for the good of humanity, to go out and learn all there is to know about sex. But once you've done that, don't stop there! Build on that. Discover new things with your partner. Multiply! Divide! Calculus..ify!

And write it down! For God's sake write it down so other generations can benefit from it, and discover more, braver, newer things. And we, we will not be satisfied until we have sent a man to the moon! It has finally come the time to push back the forsaken frontiers of sex in the name of higher learning. In the name of mankind!