ascension

hi, i've actually followed these forums for a few years, but apparently my user got deleted or lost in the depths of the interweb.

so, i'm probably gonna kill myself <mod edit - timelines>.

my reasons, as stupid as they may sound, are as follows:
1. i feel like this world isn't for me, nothing to aspire to, nothing that excites me to the point of actually being interested in succeeding.
2. as hard as i try, i am unable to create and maintain relationships(not just romantic, mind you); friendship doesn't interest me, lovers don't excite me.
3. i have no feelings. i don't care about anything, even though i have tried to force myself into feeling anything, for example pain or sadness or happiness.
4. i just feel alone, with nowhere to go, nothing that would make me want to pursue said target or location in the future.

i am on antidepressants and antipsychotics, i am not an idiot, my parents are both extremely intelligent(both also mildly-extremely depressed), i'm in a nice place in my life, it would seem.
i suppose for anyone else in my shoes, it would seem so.
im good at most everything that you could think of: first aid, math, physics, survival, english, physical education, computers and all things IT, etc.

i just can't seem to find motivation or reasoning, so i was thinking why the fuck shouldn't i kill myself? maybe i'll come back to life in the future, maybe in the past: it's gotta be better than this.
This world is messed up, even by my standards(and those are quite high, trust me): people killing each other for religion, land, money(of all things); just so that they could live a happier life, by having more things which have been made by someone else and then try to express their individualism by other people's creations. it's just silly.
i hope one day existence will be more humane, less concentrated on materialistic possessions and all.

and, inb4 "people love you, think about them": my life is my own, no one elses.

I'm.so sorry to hear that you are suffering and that's not nice. Please don't do anything as we care about you and that must mean something. I know that your suffering with medication but you remember you are still here. That's says something about your character and means something. I might be a stranger but it's shows that someone somewhere does care about you. You are not alone in suffering.

You asked "why the fuck shouldn't i kill myself?" but that can obviously countered with "why the fuck should i kill myself?" You talk about coming back, but given what we know right now, there is probably no such thing as coming back.

I have not found any point in living, but the one thing I know is that if I kill myself I'll never find any point. But staying alive there is a (n admittedly very small) chance of finding a point.

I am not going to tell you ''everything will be better tomorrow'' however I can say for sure that suicide is not the right decision, there are so many options, like a game of lego the blocks are building every day in the mental health system, I just wish the stigma around mental health in general is very ignorant. You cannot know for sure you will go to a better place when you leave this one...no one does. I suggest you make the most of what you have now (I know sounds incredibly easy but a massive effort to succeed) but at ;least give it a go. There's no shame in saying you need some help or advice, after all 1 in 4 people on the planet will suffer with depression at some point in their lives.

i'll answer in depth later on, but for now i'd like to share a collection of reasons, why suicide is not that bad a call.
besides, life, as far as i've survived it, seems to be nothing but suffering and pain and bullshit, day in and day out.
sorry for being a fuck-up, guys.
<mod edit:encouraging suicide>
all the reasons written there are reasons i have thought of several times, so i'm just happy that someone managed to write those things down.