Speak it, let it out. That's the first thing that comes to my mind. If you keep it secret or you keep it buried, it stays silent. When you write it down or speak it out loud you take the power out of it. That's all I can think of.

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

I've ritually burned a few symbols / written statements / written descriptions of events... taken pictures of the paper as it burned, so I can always look back at myself destroying it. It's really just a matter of taking a metal trashcan outside and keeping a few big bottles of water nearby just in case.

Sounds like an awesome pagan festival, Iíll have to try this when I get back to frozen NH.

Cee

added:

If youíre interested pm me just please understand youíll never be able to get this back, itís that bad, heck if the consensus would be to post it I would, just even I think itís not for general consumption.

Cee

Edited by cosmos (02/11/1308:59 AM)

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"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

I agree that saying it outloud takes the power out of it. Someone on MS once said to me: "Abuse is done in secret, but healing is done outloud". I doubt you would shock most of us considering some of the horrific things that have been posted by others, but you might try telling your therapist first if you have one.

BTW you mentioned that you're in NH. I'm in VT near Lebanon-Hanover. Wr're neighbors!

Jude

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I will remember youWill you remember me?Don't let your life pass you byWeep not for the memoriesSarah McLachlan

[quote=SoccerStar]If youíre interested pm me just please understand youíll never be able to get this back, itís that bad, heck if the consensus would be to post it I would, just even I think itís not for general consumption.

Cee

I've heard things, horrible things, I don't know if there is something, any sentence or any amount of words put together that would for me at least, be that bad as to be unspeakable. But for you and your experience and meaning in those words and how it relates to you, I can understand why for you, it seems unspeakable. I'm just saying, I can handle to hear it if you want to get it out of your system.

But what SoccerStar said sounds like the next best thing if you truly don't want to speak it. I've burnt photos that held deep pain and meaning to me. Anything to get it out of you I would think can only help.

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"The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it." - Albert Einstein

Is this when it begins when you see yourself for the first time through their eyes what you were to them not what they were to you. You realize if it wasnít you then someone else, that you were just a temporary thing you were nothing, not even by their blasphemy of standards.I never told, I never told anyone, I never even acknowledged anything to anyone before, no one knew the extent no one cared to even ask, they took my silence as complicity as it was my fault, they didnít want to know the truth, I didnít either, I couldnít admit to myself that what he said was true, that is all I was Iíve fought my entire life around his words not being true not being fact not willing to face up to my reality, to my pain, my struggle, my life. I never had a choice here never had a choice anywhere with anything, even me writing this is all his doing still controlling me from the grave, making me shake, scared in the knowledge that nothing I do will ever be free of his wants his desires, he made me, me.My whole experience, everything I am is here to please him, if heís angry he beats me, if Iím not pleasing him he beats me, heck he even beats me when heís fucking me, there was just no other way, why the beatings why, wasnít I compliant enough, didnít I do it good enough, I was just a little boy you were a man, I looked up to you, I worshiped you as a god, what else was I supposed to do what else could I do, you made me into what I was a terrified little boy who would do anything to make you happy, anything for you to not beat me how many times did I plead with you to stop, how many times did she plead with you, you just hit us harder and harder, said even more unpleasant things, even then I tried to understand how, why, I will never understand how you could take the most beautiful things in the world, your grandchildren and destroy them, why? Sex, money ,power? Whatever it was I hope it was worth it, I hope your soul knows the hopelessness that I knew, knows what itís like to get beaten just because, no way out never, still after all these years you torture me, Iím still this little boy cowering in fear, nothing I can do, nothing youíll let me do, just waiting for the next fist or the next rape, what else is my life, just your torture. It stopped so long ago, the beatings, the abuse the words, the torture just started, this time its me to you, me, refusing to let you win, not knowing which way to turn, just knowing I need to find a way out a way not tainted with your vile machinations, can I ever possibly find some other alternative that you havenít destroyed or left in ruins, or like me are they all refuse in the gutter of life, no redeeming value, just discarded, no return for deposit, just garbage, all the good is gone and left me there, with the others, those like me, those whose fates were decided by others, relegated to hades, heaven, try hell on earth, heaven is for them, not us, we are the low of the low, Jesus knew us, knew he belonged , we belonged, no one ever gave us a thought, not even the time of day. Some of us survive, why I donít know, itís so cruel, death would be so welcome, it would mean the en d, no more pain, no more torment, and no more hell on earth. It would be over, all my dreams come true, the end. When your nothing not even yourself, what have you, nothing! Thatís it isnít it, Iím still here, I stood up and took everything, your fists, your anger ,your venom, the best you had, everything you could do everything you could think of every sick twisted thing, I stood there and took it, you forced me to watch you treat another like you treated me, I stood there what else could I have done, nothing, I had no choice, you decided for me before I was ever born, thatís ok cause Iím here I survived and Iím talking about it you sick twisted bastard, go die in a fire! I start now I will no longer be defined by you your comments, your actions, your desires; I am so much more I am everything you couldnít be and so much more.

el diablo rest in peace

Cee

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"it has never yet been discovered how to make man unknow his knowledge, or unthink his thoughts"

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