Sunday, April 20, 2014

#Because of Him

It’s been 15 months. 15 Long, Hard Months. I often look back at the time and think, “how is that possible? What have I done and accomplished with that time?” Upon reflection, I see that I (and the boys) have had to do many hard things.

hard things:

hearing the words, “he didn’t make it” those words ring in my ears

having to tell the boys their dad died

Feeling so helpless as I held them while they cried

His funeral

Touching his hands one last time

Having to walk away from his body so he could be buried

Moving out of our home filled with memories

watching two little boys walk to school, thinking, “they are too little to be without their dad”

holidays, birthdays, family events

receiving his diploma that he worked so hard for

holding them, as they cry “that they miss their daddy”

not sleeping, because the bed is so empty

seeing someone in scrubs

being so physically and emotionally exhausted, when they ask you to sing them goodnight, you just want to say, “go to bed”

moving into our new home without him

watching the boys play football/sports without him

making family decisions without his input

The list could go on, but this is what I want the boys to know.

I have done hard things, but not of my own strength!

As I have faced each of these hard things, I have thought, “I can’t do this. This is too hard. This is too much!”

See the real me, the weak me, is the one that sobs in the shower or stoplight. The one that crawls into bed, because I can’t continue. The real me, answers, “go to bed.” instead of singing. The real me has a hard time finding the old me who was happy, kind, patient, fun, loving.

But inevitably, just like in the hospital when strong arms surrounded me and held me up when I couldn’t stand, a still, small voice whispers in my heart,

“Jesus said unto him, “if thou canst believe, all thing are possible to him that believeth.”

Mark 9:23

If there is anything I learned while sobbing at stoplights, it's this...

I am not the only one that cries at stop lights.

Every one has their own trials.

Jesus Christ is there for each one of us.

He loves each one of us.

He weeps with us over our sorrows,

and smiles with our joys.

Lucky for me, the real me doesn’t have to do this alone.

I have never been alone.

Even during the darkest moments, my Savior Jesus Christ has been there for me.

It Because of Him that I can face each day. It is “Because of Him” that I know I will see Damond again.

3 comments:

Thanks. You don't know how much I needed to hear you say those words, to know that it's okay to hurt and say so when life didn't work out the way you wanted it to for you or your children. I really feel your pain in a similar way in my own world. I love and admire you and wish you lived closer. You give me hope by your great strength. You're amazing:)) You and the boys are in my thoughts and prayers. Love, Stacy