Balancing Precariously

Balancing Precariously

Forgive me for writing in a muffled tone of type, with ocassional sniffs, I have a cold. I’m rubbish at being ill and I get ‘Man Flu’ every time. (sniffs enthusiastically and blows nose like a trumpet)

We were also kept awake last night by Sausage wailing for ‘Mummeeee’ about midnight, and then refusing to go back to sleep in his own bed. After a bit of battling I just gave up and let him sleep with us, so we got kicked lots and woken up at about 6am. At this point he went downstairs and brought his little Roary phone walkie talkie thing up with him, so we were treated to lots of Peter Kay recordings saying ‘Roary! There’s skateboards on the racetrack!’ or something like that. I can’t say precisely what the lines were because I had my pillow over my head.

The grand finale this morning was when Darlek finally came upstairs and said Sausage had run riot in her room and had pulled her light down. You see we put a lovely flower shaped light fitting in her room, and hung from it was one of those twirly bits of material that move in the breeze. On discussion with the kids, it seems they took turns to try to reach it, probably with the use of chairs and leaping around, which has resulted in disaster. There’s a very attractive modern art looking mass of wires where her light was now. Thankfully it’s too high for them to reach so they can’t electrocute themselves. Another job for Super Dad!! We’ll have to get that fixed. Another job for the list!

Speaking of ‘Super Dad’, I’m waiting to be transformed into ‘Super Mum!’ The blog tagline ‘balancing precariously on the edge’ has been all too true recently and the stress of being poorly and generally upset at being at home all the time, has tipped me over the so-called edge. So I began a course of anti-depressants about a week ago, and am patiently waiting for them to kick in. I’ve been very sick of hearing myself do the ‘Woe is me! The school run is too long! I’m bored! I’m tired all the time! The housework is too horrible to attempt’ etc etc. It’s tedious, self involved and I’ve had enough of it. So happy pills it is then!

On discussion with other mums I’ve been told that these tablets often just make you feel a bit calmer and more able to cope with stressful situations. Ie. when your child is swinging his fists and kicking you, you can walk away, close the door and leave them to calm down; rather than standing there screaming your little heart out, whilst bawling like a baby.

As I said I’ve been waiting for these tabs to kick in, and have high hopes for climbing out of this stupid metaphorical hole I’ve fallen into. So, I shall become ‘Super Mum!’ and be able to cope again soon. I may get some red lycra hot pants, blue tights, a tiara and a white T shirt with ‘Super Mum’ emblazoned across the front of it – just for that day when the tabs finally start working. I’ll be able to whizz around the house, cleaning bathrooms in the blink of an eye, pairing socks just with the power of my mind, and generally being ‘Super’.

Or maybe I’ll just feel a bit better and manage a day without staring out the window feeling lost. It’d be more fun to be Super Mum though.

think what your feeling is fairly normal for most of us at some stage of our lives, so Rule 1 – do not beat yourself up over it, guilt will not help and is totally a waste of what energy you have.
Please accept that depression is not a choice, or something you wake up one morning and think I am depressed – think I will feel sorry for myself today, and tomorrow I will give myself a shake and feel better, as you know it doesnt work like that, if it took you 2 years to get depressed then ( I was reliable informed by my psychiatrist when I was being treated for it) then it takes you 2 years to get back out. That not meant to sound more depressing its being realistic. Depression is an illness, and imbalance in the brain, that is not a life style choice it is an illness, that you have to accept just the same as any other illness.
You will not be the first mum either or the last to yell at your kids and feel like battering them stupid, I only asked for help after I threw my11 yr old up the stairs at the same time as the hoover cos she said it was too heavy for her to carry up and hoover her shit hole of a bedroom as I refused to go in! Im not proud of that day, but realised I needed help,
I had a few good friends who stood by me, and I stopped trying to be superwoman, and everything to everybody, and started delegating some tasks and realising that the world would not stop turning if I did not clean the toilet every day, or dust twice a day, or ignored the kitchen floor for a week.
Take my advise – dont try and be supermum, just be you, Kay, mother to 2 great kids, and wife to 1 other.
My other suggestion ( if you have read on this far and not fallen asleep or deleted this message cos it is waffling) is keep yourself a star chart ( or equivalent of) and every time you achieve something no matter how little – reward yourself, makes you feel good, gives you something to look at on your bad days, and realise life is not all bad. As for the negative things – forget them and move on

Having been through this a few years back I think the best way to describe how the anti depressants work is to imagine yourself in a thick fog, you can’t see a thing, no idea which way to go to get out of the fog. The tablets lift your head out of the fog so you can work out what you have to do to get better.
Tablets don’t mean you wake up one day feeling happy and super again, they just give you enough of a lift to help yourself.

Depression is rubbish, but like previous poster says, it’s not something to feel guilty about, you can’t bring it on yourself and you’re not some sort of freak because you’ve got it!

I hope your Super woman outfit gets an airing sooner rather than later.

You have a lot on your plate at the moment – but give yourself permission to ignore it all sometimes, walk outside and sit in the sunshine while it’s here …(without feeling guilty!). Think of it as boosting your immune system and a natural anti-depressant.

And as for Super Mum – none of us are. I had a colleague at work who used to think I must be the most amazing, compassionate, chilled out mum in the world (she had no kids, btw). I kept trying to explain to her that I seemed so calm at work precisely because of what I had just left: after a screaming row with a two year old about the importance of wearing shoes so we could get to nursery (complete with guilt inducing physical battle to wrestle shoes on), non-domestic stuff seemed easy. She remains convinced to this day that my kids are angels and I never raise my voice (?); to the outside world, you ARE a great mum with two beautiful, happy, healthy kids.

After screaming at a then 4-year old Spud who was being his usual obstinate self, “Just put your F@cking shoes on!!” and then locking myself in my bathroom in shame and crying my heart out, I decided to visit my GP. She, the lovely lady (with two kids of her own) diagnosed depression, rather than uselessness, and prescribed Prozac. I can’t say I actually felt any different and I was doubting their effectiveness, until about three weeks down the line when Himself said to me “It’s nice to see you happy!” and I realised that I wasn’t happy (silly @rse) but in control of my emotions for the first time in a long time. I took them for just over a year and know that if I felt that low in the future, I would definitely take them again. I can’t say that I haven’t sworn at my kids since then though (said with much shame :/)