Thursday, February 11, 2010

Before I begin doling out sex advice, I’ll state my qualifications: One, I’m experienced. This will be my 50th year of having sex (not continuously). Two: Granny is no prude – I invented the lap dance in the front seat of a 1957 Chevy at the Olympic Drive-In. Later I was a foot soldier during the sexual revolution. I got crabs at Woodstock so that the next generation of women could enjoy randomly giving away the milk without making him buy the cow. So, please, have some respect.

Fellow women - want to know how to get men to stop hating Valentine’s Day? Make it free. Free him of the torture of buying you a gift or a fancy dinner. Be the first on your block to reward your First Dude with this Get-Out-of-Valentine’s Day-Free Card.

MY PLAN

HIM: All he has to do is come home, take a shower and follow you into the bedroom (Believe me you will get no argument).

YOU: All you have to do is all the work; but you’re used to it. Valentine’s Night, you cannot go wrong giving him his own private Victoria’s Secret fashion show. “But Granny,” you’re whining, “what if I look more like Kirsty Ally than Paris Hilton?” Not a problem. Two things all men like (whether they know it or not) - black and lace. Comes in all sizes. Still too fat? There’s an app for that – it’s called the 25-watt bulb.

Trust Granny on this: Spice it up and he will be like putty in your hands and vice versa. After your show, let nature take its course and a good time will be had by all. Spice it up and Valentine’s Day will become BOTH your favorite holiday! Spice it up! ***