Thursday 13th February 2014

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I don't know how many more years I can realistically keep it up, but it was Februry 13th today, which meant it was time to go hunting for Ferrero Rocher. Tomorrow is the 7th (consecutive) Valentine's Day I have shared with my wife, which means that due to the verbal contract that I willingly entered into she needs to receive 64 Ferrero Rocher chocolates tomorrow. This is still a manageable number to purchase and carry home and I suspect that for the next two years I shall be OK (though I am surely bound to get a "Someone Likes Ferrero Rocher" from the check-out person), but soon it is going to become a problem. And yet still I stumble on blindly, continuing this romantic gesture with no thought for the implications it will have on my sanity, bank balance and the hazelnut crop. Will my legacy be that I am remembered as the man who made hazelnuts extinct? Will an oil painting of my disdainful face be on display in the Hazelnut Museum?

There was a reasonable deal on in Sainsburys (perhaps aware that it is not long before Valentine's Day and Ferrero Rocher Day will be synonyms in everyone's minds) where they were selling boxes of 25 Rochers for £5. Obviously I only needd 64 chocolates, not 75 (though am always hopeful that if there are extras left over that will prevent my choc-hungry wife from gobbling up this year's pyramid building supply) and so planned to buy two big boxes and a regular box of 16. But the box of 16 was also £5, so it made sense to buy 75 chocolates and perhaps give myself a starting fund of Rochers for 2015 - meaning I will just have to buy 115 chocolates (four boxes of 25 and one box of 16, with one spare for 2016 - depending on costs then - maybe five big boxes if it costs the same, leaving me with ten towards the next year's 256). If my wife doesn't eat the excess.

It struck me that now we're married and our finances are all shared that my wife might turn against this display of love. Today I spent £15 on chocolates, so next year (not allowing for inflation) £30 of our money will be spent. Another five years time (even allowing for bulk buy discounts) I will be spending close to £1000. And in just a decade my bill for one year's Ferrero Rochers will be over a million pounds. She might very well be cross with me for putting us so severely in debt, but what is more important? This charming display of the exponential growth of my love or money? I think by 2025 my wife will be firmly on the side of money. I think she will be infuriated by the proflicacy. This romantic gesture might also cause our emotional bankruptcy. At what point will this stop being romantic and start being relationship suicide?Not yet. For now, three boxes of chocolates is a manageable and delightful (and even edible) prospect. But the thing that brought us together may one day drive us apart.

Tonight's gig in Leicester was one of my favourites of the tour so far, with the additional benefit of a helpful and efficient and friendly crew at the theatre. A man in the audience mocked my suit, perhaps unaware that I am a comedian and that perhaps my attire is subtly trying to project my personality. Luckily my actual personality ensures that I will always be wearing quite ill-fitting clothing and look like a slob even when I am trying to look smart. So it cuts both ways.

I had to come up with some jingles for the new radio show tonight. My favourite one was "Richard Herring and Lou Sanders - Ripping you a new earhole." Tune in next week to hear that and the others (still no news on how you do that though!)