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Identity and the Leader

I vividly recall, at age 17, jumping off the bus at the in-processing station of Ft. Dix, New Jersey, where a drill sergeant greeted me—screaming. By the third day, I was wearing a uniform, had a shaved head, and was organized into a squad and a platoon.

The drill sergeant shouted, “Look to your left, look to your right, and now look down at yourself. In nine weeks, one of you will not be here, because you do not have what it takes to be a United States warrior!” Gulp. He scared the crap out of me.

But looking around myself, I determined I was better than at least one or two of my fellow trainees. Yep, I would be OK.

A couple of weeks after I graduated as Private Marx, I entered freshman orientation at Colorado State University as a poster child for insecurity. I have no recollection of who spoke that day, but I do remember him saying that 80,000+ students had graduated in the past 100 years. I pondered the odds and decided that surely there were other bozos who made it, so I, too could succeed.

Since childhood, the comparison method had been a pervasive mindset. My identity had been in what I was rather than who I was. And I had based my success on what I could create rather than why I had been created. I floundered under that junior-high mentality of “I am significant because you are less significant.”

This warped attitude gave me a false confidence in the workplace. I compared myself to my peers and to those above me. Sometimes I would try to learn from others who were stronger and smarter than I, but more often than not I would pounce on their weaknesses to climb over them and up the career ladder. Sure, my skills and talents have helped boost my success, but I was also counterfeiting my identity and confidence based on others’ deficiencies and weaknesses.

Leaving that mindset behind, I’ve been searching for the real me and trying to live as the genuine Ed—insecurity surrendering to conviction.

After qualifying for the USA national championship Duathlon (run-bike-run) as an average athlete, I had just hoped to finish the darned race. Qualifying for a spot on Team USA was not only about to become a dream come true, but also a test of my desire to be the genuine Ed.

At first, I suffered second thoughts based on my insecurities. The odds for success were not in my favor. In fact, competing at this elite level, I would likely end up embarrassing myself. But there I was already comparing myself again. Yet this was my only shot to compete with the gifted.

When I arrived in Tucson and began the registration process, I started doing what most athletes do—comparing myself to others. That guy has less body fat. Another athlete was clean-shaven all over. The guy next to him had a $10,000 bike. The woman in the corner was sponsored … And pretty soon I stood there mentally defeated with the race a mere two days away. I was still basing my success on how I compared to others, not on who I was.

Damn that warped thinking! I stopped it and chose to walk in the opposite spirit. I decided that what I had—a strong heart, a decent bike, and an OK albeit hairy body—was sufficient. I chose to look forward and not to my right or left. The outcome wasn’t in my hands anyway. As an athlete, what mattered was, how will my stats in this performance compare to my stats in the previous races? Was I improving? Forget the guy racing next to me. If I was meant to represent Team USA at the 2014 World Championships, then that would happen.

Identity is a tricky thing. What is it? How is it formed? How does it impact who we are and our performance? Most of the time, I base my identity on how I believe I compare to others. I suspect most of us are mis-wired to think this way.

I don’t claim to have it figured out; I already proved that. My true identity is squaring who I was made to be and living congruent with this truth. I’m still working on it, but as I approach 50, I’m finally getting close. If these ideas help nudge you in the right direction, I will have accomplished my goal for this post.

Some self-reflection ideas:

Is my life/career mission about me, or about the betterment and growth of those around me?

Do my values reflect a desire to see others succeed, or do they revolve exclusively around my personal success?

Does my behavior reflect a value for the human soul?

What’s my gauge for comparison: other people or stable virtues?

Am I able to sincerely rejoice in others’ accomplishments, or do I have to one-up people all the time?

Do I go to bed praying that no one finds out how insecure I am?

Who are you really? And are you happy with you?

To view my full reflections in depth, leave a comment with a request and I’ll send you “Identity and the Leader” Part 2.

Ed Marx is a CIO currently working for a large integrated health system. Ed encourages your interaction through this blog. Add a comment by clicking the link at the bottom of this post. You can also connect with him directly through his profile pages on social networking sites LinkedIn and Facebook and you can follow him via Twitter — user name marxists.

I think this also feeds into the concept of courage to be yourself – Maya Angelou once said:
“Courage is the most important of all the virtues because without courage, you can’t practice any other virtue consistently.”

I so enjoy your articles. They do give me pause to think about so many things. I would like to have you send Identity and the Leader Part 2 and also How to create a life/career plan. I’ve made it through 62 almost 63 years of life and when I re-read your What do I Stand for section, it gave me such great pause. I hope it’s not too late to consciously incorporate these things into my life.

I hope you did well in Tucson. Thank you so much for your meaningful and inspiring writings. I really do look forward to them.

I really enjoyed reading this article, since I now realize I am not alone. How is it that we are well educated, successful in our careers, have decades of experience and still have significant doubts about our capabilities and fear of being ‘found out’ that we don’t know as much as we think we know!? I feel it everyday and also compare myself to others. I whole-heartedly agree that a tremendous dose of insecurity is unhealthy and paralyzing. I would like to offer that a tinge of insecurity probably keeps us in check and perhaps a bit more on our toes and has helped us get to where we are. Food for thought!

This post comes as I debate making the decision of whether to rejoin management, and apply for an open management position on my current team, or stay status quo. Am I a better person supporting and helping others grow, or doing my own work? I am not sure what my mission is….
I guess I need part two!

Ed,
Thanks for your candid thoughts and perspective. I believe you got it right with the focus pointed internally and self reflection. I also enjoyed your presentation at the recent mobility conference downtown. Thanks for sharing.

Comparing oneself to others is a crippling existence. I’ve been there and sometimes fall back into this weak mindset. The realization that being the real me is better than what anybody expects- and for those who don’t like the real me (or you), they aren’t worth the time or consideration anyway.

Be real and cuss once in awhile if that’s what you feel. People will respect you more for it.

I love it, helped me see my place in this world of career differently, please send me the rest. It is so easy to lose sight of our calling by focusing on the pressure to compare by the entrenched culture in healthcare.

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