A bunch of inane cynical rants on gaming and other entertainment by a stereotypical British person, who is so self conscious he has to hide under a pseudonymn called John Smith (or shortened to Jonith.) Also has a fondness for tea.

Welcome all

Hello all and welcome to my blog (this is one of the nicest things you will ever here me say), in which i will whine and be cynical about different things until you'll either want to put a bullet through your head or drown yourself in your own piss.

I am now Jooseman, the Artist formerly known as Jonith, and I have stopped using the name Jonith regularly (however do still have many accoun named Jonith, so go by both) as it got confusing, So call me Jooseman or Joose or whatever. Call me TwatBucket if it pleases you.

Our Youtube ChannelRants up on this blog on Friday if I've done one, just too add a little bit of schedule here.

Monday, 25 April 2011

Lego Star Wars III: The Clone Wars

Do you want to know something amazing, I liked the Star Wars the Clone Wars series. It had characters that were more believable than standing outside and waving at pedestrians. Then you had its storylines, which fit in with the Star Wars canon better than fit woman in an orgy. The characters do absolutely nothing to make themselves come across like they’ve had their brain replaced with a pumpkin, and you always want to watch more.

Now if you have an IQ higher than a retarded cabbage you will have realised that I’m lying about this more than O.J Simpson in a murder trial. However there will be some Star Wars fans that read this, and see it is as my undying love for the Star Wars prequels and the Clone Wars. Well I don’t, those films were awful, I would rather stick my cock through a shredder than watch them. The characters are not believable at all, and have less personality than that rock in your garden, basically they all have the personality of scarecrow.

So that is why when I got Lego Star Wars 3: The Clone Wars, I went into it expecting less than an animated film about Mohammad made by Saudi Arabians. And I believe I was right, this game is fucking awful, I don’t see why anybody would want to play this game. If any of you have played any of the previous Lego Games then this is more similar than a creepy twin brother who follows you around all day. There basically another Super Mario series.

So where does the game start, ah yes at the end of the Attack of Clones, because one of my wishes in life was to be reminded of the shit fest of that film. This scene is just you constantly tapping buttons to use your lightsaber, while unending waves of droids attack you as if your there ex lover.... and you shot there new boyfriends.

After this level which seems to add about as much to the story as parrot adds to a football team, your sent back to your central hub in a space ship somewhere. Why, I don’t fucking know as it doesn’t explain it anywhere in the game, even during one of those annoying scrolling texts things at the start of every Star Wars film. By the end of the game you are so annoyed at the scrolling text it makes you want to blow up Microsoft’s studios to stop them from making Word anymore.

Now I will give one compliment now. Some of the large battles (which there are few of) are very good, as the amount of characters on screen makes you feel like you’re part of a larger thing. Now that’s enough of that, if you want happiness (and I want it less than I want to live in a house with Colonel Gaddafi) go to a Disney land you idiots.

The game is more repetitive than playing more than 5 games of Call of Duty online. The whole game just involves you doing the same thing over and over again as if you are the world’s most boring accountant. It just involves, kill enemies, use force, kill enemies, and use different character to open door. By the end of it I thought I was just watching the news about the Libyan troubles it was so repetitive.

The enemies are also extremely similar; I can’t remember one who couldn’t be killed by a lightsaber blow to the face. There is less practicality in this game for the force than there is a turtle in an American Civil War re-enactment. There is so little use for it that at times it shoves it in your face, like it’s a photo of their new child, and makes you use it in some boss fights, but even these are easier to kill than it is Barcelona to score against Accrington Stanley.

Then you have the humour, which seems about as funny being run over by a truck. It is constant slapstick humour, which would only entertain an idiotic American. And the characters never talk, and instead just make stupid faces, as if they have just seen a storm trooper giving a blowjob.

All the time you are doing this, you unlock points for killing things, fixing things, breaking things and smoking pot with Anakin Skywalker. You’re basically the world’s worst handyman. You then use these coins/points to unlock other Star Wars characters, who only the world’s biggest fan will ever have heard of, shame he probably never wants to go outside to tell us. You don’t even need to buy these characters anyway, they all pretty much follow the same 4 templates as each other, as if they have been cloned at the world’s most retarded cloning facility.

So what can I say about this game other than it is mind numbingly repetitive, if you have ever played any of the other games in this series, and I have, playing and kind of liking the original (it wasn’t a great game or anything, it was just quite different to what had been done before), then you know exactly the sort of things expected here, just as you can expect the storyline of the next Super Mario game.