15 Unintimidating Mascots Least Likely to Steal Your Girlfriend

The college season has come to a close with Alabama mopping up LSU to win the BCS National Championship. The game was more lopsided than a see-saw with Justin Bieber on one end and Clay Matthews on the other.

LSU was not the formidable foe as predicted on the field, but what about off the field?

Represented by a ferocious tiger, it seems pretty safe to say that this beast would come out victorious over the gentle and gregarious pachyderm that represents Alabama. would it not?

According to Answers.com, it has been noted that elephants often pick up tigers with their trunks then throw them down on the ground, sometimes killing them. It is rare a tiger will attack an elephant.

I stand corrected. Case closed right? Not quite. Alabama’s mascot couldn’t even pick up a tiger hairball with its floppy, dilapidated trunk.

So why do schools opt for a goofy, non-menacing representation of their school? Is it lack of savage creativity, or just simply a mascot seamstress that is too nice for her own good?

A mascot should scream school pride, pump up the crowd and strike electrifying fear in the opponent. How is an elephant supposed to get the crowd rocking with a trunk that looks like a flaccid male body part?

We've also all been there before—you go up to get the sweetie a popcorn, only to come back to some muscle-bound, brazen Aztec, Lion, Bulldog or Warrior mascot getting acquainted with her.

Consider your relationship safe with the mascots found on this list.

Some of them you may have seen before. Some you may have regrettably seen when you accidentally opened a door that should have been locked at your Uncle’s house when you were eight.

Oski : University of California Golden Bears

If Mister Rogers and Yogi Bear were able to conceive a baby, Oski is the offspring that would result.

I’m fairly certain Oski’s life started out just like any other mascot, rummaging through various picnic baskets while hanging out on sets of children’s shows before ultimately taking the gig on Berkeley’s sideline.

Intimidation Rating: 6 if you’re scared of grandfathers, or bears or grandfathers that look like bears wearing cardigans; 3 if not.

Fighting Okra: Delta State Fighting Okra

Unless your Mom is also on the sidelines nagging you to finish your vegetables there is nothing fear-inducing about an okra, especially one that looks like he is about 10 seconds away from urinating in his okra suit.

Somebody give that okra a bathroom break.

There is nothing wrong with a college promoting good eating habits, but doing that when trying to amp up the defense on a key 3rd-and-1, I have a problem with it.

Ephelia the Purple Cow: Williams College Ephs

This friendly bovine won’t put the kibosh on a fast break or scare a streaking receiver, but you have to admire her aspirations.

Pictured here reading her favorite book, The Cow, The Witch and The Wardrobe, Ephelia had always longed for the spotlight. In 2007 she appeared in a College GameDay commercial for ESPN, and the Purple Cow was introduced to the world.

Unfortunately word on the farm is the spotlight was too much for the small-town heifer. Ephelia was last seen at a run-down trough addicted to cow hormones.

The Blue Blob: Xavier University Musketeers

If you think that characters that look related to those Yip Yip martians from Sesame Street are menacing, then the Blue Blob is the mascot for you. The rest of us are left with jaws agape, wondering what went wrong here.

Whatever the case, the Blue Blob is the closest we have to a mascot snuggie on the list, unless of course you think an artichoke is comforting to snuggle with.

Xavier does have a second mascot, so they get a pass here, but there is nothing daunting about a Blue Blob unless it is fungus on your window sill.

Speedy: Evergreen State University Geoducks

There is absolutely nothing fast about Speedy, the second mollusk to grace this list.

Evergreen State has adopted this giant clam with an elongated siphon as their fun-loving mascot. With the phallic selection also came a fight song with more hidden references to the male genitalia than a Tommy Lee porn video.

“Let it all hang out,” and other sexual overtones I will omit in case women and children reading this make up the lyrics.

If any of you are dieting and trying to limit your caloric intake, just Google “Geoducks” right before every meal. Guaranteed you’ll lose your appetite and 20 pounds.

Take that Jenny Craig.

I can only imagine the inappropriate pick-up lines from Speedy, so make sure your lady is well prepped and wearing her chastity belt just in case.

Big Red: Western Kentucky University Hilltoppers

Big Red has been a fixture at Western Kentucky since his creation in 1979, and is a hit with the Hilltopper fans.

However, should he fall out of favor, a modeling career certainly seems like a viable backup plan. This David Hasselhoff-like sultry pose is not likely to scare opposing teams, but it is clear he is a natural behind the camera.

On second thought, I suppose seeing a red blob spread eagle would likely cause me to drop a wide-open touchdown pass.

Scrotie: Rhode Island School of Design

If you’re first reaction to this slide, is to think about where it falls on the intimidation scale, you may have some other issues going on. Consult a therapist immediately.

RISD took things one step further than Evergreen State and instead of adopting a mascot that looks like the male genitalia, they actually adopted a mascot that IS the male genitalia.

Scrotie represents RISD’s hockey team, “The Nads,” and the basketball team formally known as “The Balls.” Since you’re probably clicking through this in hopes of seeing a hot college cheerleader and not a grown man dressed as a penis, we’ll move on.

On a side note, if your lady is not immediately repulsed by Scrotie's advances, then you may have the sexual deviant you've always dreamed of on your hands. Just keep Scrotie at safe distance.