Engaged to a Man, but I Think I'm Gay

"I'm Engaged to a Man, but I Think I'm a Lesbian"

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our community. Add your advice in the comments!

This is all a little too much to discuss with my friends. I have tried with a few, but I just don't think they understand. I have been in relationships, mostly with men, constantly since I was a teenager. I feel like I was looking for something, jumping from guy to guy, enjoying the initial excitement, but after that wears off I am bored, unhappy, and confused.

I thought I was looking for something, and I couldn't figure out what. The few flings I have had with women were passionate, but ended badly, probably because of my confused state. I've been in my current relationship for three years, he proposed and I said yes. I feel like I've been pushing myself further and further into this relationship and commitment, because I feel like I'll reach a point where I'll be completely happy and satisfied. He is honestly everything I should want. But I'm not happy.

I only have sex to hide what I'm really feeling, and it's rarely that we do. I am not attracted to him at all — I am not attracted to males at all anymore — progressively I have found males more and more repulsive. I recently cheated with another guy because I was so frustrated and confused, and when it came down to it, I was still repulsed and felt no sexual attraction. I have known I was bi from a young age, but now I honestly feel like I am a lesbian. But I love my fiancé so much I feel like I can't leave him.

Recently, I've been thinking about women a lot. I am attracted to one in particular, and have had a series of serious attractions over the course of the last year. I feel like I am trapped because this is the life I am supposed to live, and I don't know what to do. I do love him, but I feel like I am lying to myself and missing a big piece of myself. But the friends I have spoken to think I will get over this "phase," even though it's been going on for so long.

I never said marriage should have no defined rules. I just don't think it's exclusive to a man and a woman. There's no logical reason to prohibit 2 men or 2 women from marrying. Even in an historical context, same sex marriages and contracts have been written since earliest times. Doesn't mean I agree or disagree with the act - it isn't something I would do - but I see no reason why it shouldn't happen, or why society should rule against it. Just like there's no real reason why a man cannot have more than one wife, or a woman have more than one husband, or 2 men cannot both marry 2 women.
I do, though, ascribe to a morality and a code of conduct. I just don't force my morality and ethics upon anyone. It is not my place to proselytize.
As much evidence as there may be concerning "role models" of a m/f union on children, there are as many that state that it really doesn't matter so long as the parents are a nuturing, loving and caring.
As for what brings down societies is not morality but greed and corruption, or over-extending themselves to the point they can no longer protect themselves effectively.
Roman immorality is infamous because it goes against Christian "doctrine" and the church's need to strike fear in the peasantry of hell and damnation. Keeps them in line and marching in step. Yet that same church apparently conducted same-sex marriages in the church from 800 to 1600 AD.
It was greed, corruption and over-extending that did the Romans in. It was over-extending that did the British Empire in WWII. It was greed that did the French in. The Greeks were absorbed by an overwhelming force of Romans and an inability to join together for self-protection. Morality, or lack thereof, had nothing to do with it.
The only thing I'll promote is considering the other person(s) involved needs, desires, hopes and dreams before you act. In my mind, there is no higher morality.

I never said marriage should have no defined rules. I just don't think it's exclusive to a man and a woman. There's no logical reason to prohibit 2 men or 2 women from marrying. Even in an historical context, same sex marriages and contracts have been written since earliest times. Doesn't mean I agree or disagree with the act - it isn't something I would do - but I see no reason why it shouldn't happen, or why society should rule against it. Just like there's no real reason why a man cannot have more than one wife, or a woman have more than one husband, or 2 men cannot both marry 2 women.I do, though, ascribe to a morality and a code of conduct. I just don't force my morality and ethics upon anyone. It is not my place to proselytize.As much evidence as there may be concerning "role models" of a m/f union on children, there are as many that state that it really doesn't matter so long as the parents are a nuturing, loving and caring. As for what brings down societies is not morality but greed and corruption, or over-extending themselves to the point they can no longer protect themselves effectively. Roman immorality is infamous because it goes against Christian "doctrine" and the church's need to strike fear in the peasantry of hell and damnation. Keeps them in line and marching in step. Yet that same church apparently conducted same-sex marriages in the church from 800 to 1600 AD.It was greed, corruption and over-extending that did the Romans in. It was over-extending that did the British Empire in WWII. It was greed that did the French in. The Greeks were absorbed by an overwhelming force of Romans and an inability to join together for self-protection. Morality, or lack thereof, had nothing to do with it.The only thing I'll promote is considering the other person(s) involved needs, desires, hopes and dreams before you act. In my mind, there is no higher morality.

Yes, @BiWife, I read her post. She is free to make that decision, but that does not make her right, nor the poster with whom she agrees. (Remember, she is the one who is currently seeking help -- so long as it doesn't challenge the real issues in her life.)I am disappointed that so many posters only speak the "party line" and aren't open to differing views.

Yes, @BiWife, I read her post. She is free to make that decision, but that does not make her right, nor the poster with whom she agrees. (Remember, she is the one who is currently seeking help -- so long as it doesn't challenge the real issues in her life.)
I am disappointed that so many posters only speak the "party line" and aren't open to differing views.

Pax, the OP did respond and she stated that while she thanked the rest of us for our good/kind/thoughtful advice, she did not appreciate the awful things you had to say. Free market spoke, you just missed the post back on page 1.

I used to be christian until they started getting political. My reverend (before the ones that made me leave) really believed that you should love your neighbor as yourself, and to love the lord your god with all your heart and mind and soul. He (Jesus) didn't say anything about, except for gays, lesbians, Jews, Islamists, Buddhists, druids, or Democrats.
Maybe that's in the Fox/Falwell version of the Bible.

I used to be christian until they started getting political. My reverend (before the ones that made me leave) really believed that you should love your neighbor as yourself, and to love the lord your god with all your heart and mind and soul. He (Jesus) didn't say anything about, except for gays, lesbians, Jews, Islamists, Buddhists, druids, or Democrats.Maybe that's in the Fox/Falwell version of the Bible.

Wow! Some passions running here... I'm a Christian, straight, and I guess I want to defend my religion by writing this post as much as I want to offer an advice.
Ladies, while there is a streak for unfortunate intolerance in the church, it does not mean that all Christians are baaaaaaaaaaaad! :) Well, may be KKK is :)
Hun, don't hurt him or yourself. Talk to him, approach the subject - if he dismisses you again, he is probably not mature enough to appreciate the fact that life is more complex than a video game. From your post I gathered that he can accept you as either straight (therefore into him) or bi (therefore not into him), - and thus he sounds like he has some thinking and growing to do. If you both jump into marriage now, without this resolved, it may become a cause of pain later.
On other note, did you ever thought that he insists on you being straight because he is afraid that he will have to be jealous of women flirting with you as well as of men?
If he is - oh god please put some brain into that man's head! :)

Wow! Some passions running here... I'm a Christian, straight, and I guess I want to defend my religion by writing this post as much as I want to offer an advice. Ladies, while there is a streak for unfortunate intolerance in the church, it does not mean that all Christians are baaaaaaaaaaaad! :) Well, may be KKK is :)Hun, don't hurt him or yourself. Talk to him, approach the subject - if he dismisses you again, he is probably not mature enough to appreciate the fact that life is more complex than a video game. From your post I gathered that he can accept you as either straight (therefore into him) or bi (therefore not into him), - and thus he sounds like he has some thinking and growing to do. If you both jump into marriage now, without this resolved, it may become a cause of pain later.On other note, did you ever thought that he insists on you being straight because he is afraid that he will have to be jealous of women flirting with you as well as of men? If he is - oh god please put some brain into that man's head! :)

Lol postmod, actually no! I was fortunate enough to go to a Jesus Camp led by *real* Christians, they may have felt homosexuality was a sin (unfortunate so many Christians do) but throwing out insults like 'human wreckage,' advocating hate speech and continuing to push an issue even after being told what they were saying was hurtful and offensive- never. True Christians wouldn't do any of those things.
So pax is a dude... wow. Not only is he a homophobe, he's also a misogynist! That explains a lot. And married... poor wifey.

Lol postmod, actually no! I was fortunate enough to go to a Jesus Camp led by *real* Christians, they may have felt homosexuality was a sin (unfortunate so many Christians do) but throwing out insults like 'human wreckage,' advocating hate speech and continuing to push an issue even after being told what they were saying was hurtful and offensive- never. True Christians wouldn't do any of those things.So pax is a dude... wow. Not only is he a homophobe, he's also a misogynist! That explains a lot. And married... poor wifey.

4 years

You are all smart women and I know you know this, The more you engage the trouble maker... the more trouble is made.

I can relate to what you are going through. I am engaged and before I got into a serious relationship with this man, I was into a woman, one which I still think about and I don't understand why. She was just a great [person and things ended bad because I ended up with the man I am with now. I sometimes wonder if I am a lesbian, but I know in my hear that I am not.
But if you really believe that you are not, then you have to be honest with yourself, stay single for a while and figure yourself out.
Good luck to you.

I can relate to what you are going through. I am engaged and before I got into a serious relationship with this man, I was into a woman, one which I still think about and I don't understand why. She was just a great [person and things ended bad because I ended up with the man I am with now. I sometimes wonder if I am a lesbian, but I know in my hear that I am not. But if you really believe that you are not, then you have to be honest with yourself, stay single for a while and figure yourself out. Good luck to you.

It's your parallel pax, not mine. 6 million people were murdered and you think Jews have "done well" despite hate speech? Time to operate in reality.
"Being insulted is an option of the person receiving the comment." If you take something personally, that's your problem.
Banhammer yes! This site is way too LGBT friendly for the anti-gay agenda.

It's your parallel pax, not mine. 6 million people were murdered and you think Jews have "done well" despite hate speech? Time to operate in reality."Being insulted is an option of the person receiving the comment." If you take something personally, that's your problem.Banhammer yes! This site is way too LGBT friendly for the anti-gay agenda.