Sunday, January 31, 2010

How to Shut Up a Chatty Person

First, calm the person by asking them to breath deeply from a pure oxygen source. Then apply anesthetic intravenously. Keep them sedated through use of an LMA (Laryngeal Mask Airway) which sounds harmless enough (though this video indicates otherwise). Now, pull the person's tongue from the mouth with two small forceps. Once the tongue is secured inject some radioactive dye into the targeted malformed veins. Observe the route of the dye using highfalutin imaging equipment. Once you are sure you've targeted the correct veins, inject a small amount of Bleomycin into the veins. Release forceps. Retract LMA. Rouse patient in recovery area.

Wait approximately 36 to 48 hours. Patient's tongue should now be swollen so much as to impede speech and make swallowing difficult.

Congratulations. You have now successfully shut up a troublesome chatty person.

Warning: patients may substitute speaking with mewing, moaning, low-level growls or the more annoying whimpering and whining.