A National Ass Day Tribute

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In a world where a holiday can be created by something as simple as a Twitter hashtag, it is rare to find an offbeat holiday that doesn’t reek of retardation. I’ve seen such ridiculousness as National Virus Day, Leif Erikson Day, and National TV Talk Show Day, and that’s only in the month of October.

While the idiotic trends of old will come and go, October 17th is not one of those days. Today, my friends, is National Ass Day, and this obscure holiday deserves to be thrust into the mainstream and celebrated by all accordingly.

I could tell you hundreds of ways to personally celebrate National Ass Day, but I’m sure there would be few you didn’t already know. Instead, I’d like to take a step back and examine what exactly about a curvaceous rear end drives the Ass Men of the world (myself included) absolutely crazy.

Boobs are a wonderful thing, I’ll be the first to admit, but the ass is a God-given gift that can’t simply be altered or adjusted. The term “Shake what your momma gave ya,” comes to mind, and it couldn’t be more true. A marvelous ass is nothing but the combination of some damn good genes (get it?) exposing themselves in a glorious display of voluptuous seduction.

Another clear advantage lies in the benefits of any lap related sexual activity. Nobody wants a Skeletor butt digging into their small intestines every time you try to pull off reverse cowgirl. Even something as simple as sharing a spot on the couch becomes an exercise in pain tolerance when you’re dealing with the assless of the world.

One of the most important factors is the ever important ass-to-waist ratio. Nobody wants lumpy fat girl ass, but a well toned tight individual with a minuscule waist is a resounding image of sex appeal. Evolution backs this claim up, as men are naturally hardwired to find a wide set of hips alluring to ensure survival of the species. How can you possibly argue with that (Please don’t give me a ‘Earth is only 6,000 years old and evolution is for Godless heathens’ argument)?

To the tit men of the world: I suggest on this wonderful holiday you try to break out of your mammary shell. Try not to pass up the unimpressive B-cup in your nightly prowl. Instead, evaluate by the assets visible only from behind. Most girls with a ravaging rump know damn well how to use it, and you very well could find yourself converted after a nut-busting hour of doggy-style. You’re welcome in advance for showing you the light.

In conclusion, I’d like to wish each and every one of you a glorious National Ass Day. If your girlfriend’s got ass, take an extra minute to grab it today. If she doesn’t, reevaluate the relationship. If you’re a girl with ass, might I suggest the tighter pair of jeans tonight. If you’re a girl without one, I’d just like to say I’m sorry for your genetic loss.

StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments. All shameless praise can be directed to: joe@grandex.co