Saturday, May 1, 2010

To Be Witnessed

Today was my third OA meeting. I woke up early, almost instantly thinking about the meeting I'd be attending in a few hours. There was an eager sense of anticipation that surprised me a little. What about it was calling me, I wondered?

Driving to town, the thought came to me that I was looking forward to saying the words, Hello, my name is "Peacefulbird" and I'm a compulsive overeater. What was that about? I didn't know at the time. But I said it 4 times during the meeting and each time I recall feeling good, smiling, looking at the other people around me as they looked at me with understanding and compassion in their eyes.

I am telling a truth about who I am. It's not the whole truth, but it is an important truth and one I have never told anybody (except, perhaps, in a half-joking way) until now. I am a compulsive overeater. The other people at the meeting are witnessing my truth. They know what I am saying. They know it intellectually, experientially, intuitively, emotionally and spiritually. Each time I say these words, they are witnessing my truth. It feels terrific!

When I started this blog, I thought of it as a private journal, not written in anyway for the benefit, entertainment or support of anyone else. If anybody wanted to read it, fine. But I wouldn't go out of my way to encourage readers.

Today, I'm rethinking that position a bit. Today, with the contentment of my truth being witnessed fresh in my mind, I'm more open to an exchange of this service with other bloggers who are in recovery.

I also hope that some of my closest friends (L, J, S and C for sure) will want to read what I write here. I want them to know me better, to know a more truthful side of me and to witness my journey of recovery. Is that a lot to ask? Yes, it is.

4 comments:

I want to know you better, too. A lot to ask? YES. Because in return, I must share myself - it is only fair, after all, amongst friends...

I myself, am not good at revealing. I don't trust easily, especially women. I don't go fast with new people in my life, I need experiences with them to gauge where their thinking is situated. Huge for me is, DON'T LIE. Say nothing but do not lie.

So, PeacefulB, I am loving your truth...whatever it is, however hard it is, it is YOU. For me, that is all because it is you and I accept that totally.

Thanks for visiting my blog, Peaceful Bird. I came, I read, and I was struck with your honesty and hope. When I started my own blog, I also did it for me... not as a private journal, but as a way to motivate myself. Then I also found power and support from readers. I do admit I sometimes regret having a few people I know read... sometimes I don't say what I might, knowing they are out there.

The other thing I wanted to say is that one thing I have learned with my entry into the blogging community, because indeed it is an amazing community, is that even though our stories and journeys may be different, there are so many commonalities and we can learn and be inspired and motivated and touched by each other.

Thank you so much for your beautiful comment on my saddest blog post ever... It was (still is) very hard for me not to go back and deactivate that post (and I still might). It's hard to know it's "out there".

Yesterday, I was thinking about how I hoped that no one "new" would read that post, because it is such a startling revelation (IMO). In my short blogosphere life, I've visited many blogs and reached out to those bloggers that I feel are worthwhile for me to have a "dialog" with. (I avoid the all-commercials-all-of-the-time blogs - after you've surfed around a bit, you'll know what I mean.)

I will follow you! We all have a lot of work to do to help ourselves and others. I will ruefully admit that I'm a techno-zero, so my little icon shows up as the standard-issue, creepy silhouette with the moniker "cookies4spartans", which is part of an irrelevant email address. As soon as I figure out how to change that, I will!

Sorry to read about your life's struggle with compulsive over-eating; many of us can relate to that. Let's all heal, together! C'mon, we can do this!

About Me

I am a compulsive overeater, a "food" addict. I am as hard-core as any down-and-out drug addict, only my substance is legal, I have the money to get it, and I can still pass as normal. For more than 60 years, I have taken big hits of sugar/fat to blot out sorrows, to stuff down my fears, angers and pain... also to celebrate any and every little thing you can imagine... until I feel almost nothing at all, until I'm stupefied and numb. In March of 2010, I razed the bottom. I went to my first Overseaters Anonymous (OA) meeting and have begun a journey of recovery. This blog is my journal of healing.