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Being Married to a Pedophile: A Wife Speaks Out and Offers Hope to Other Wives of Pedophiles

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Letter from the wife of a pedophile explaining why she stayed and how she finally got out. Encouragement for other wives of child molesters.

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Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The LORD, the LORD himself, is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. Isaiah 12:2

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Some of you may have read the following comment from last night, but it just will not leave my mind. A courageous woman, Anon 3, who was married to a pedophile reached out to address the wives of pedophiles involved in the Sovereign Grace Ministries lawsuit. Her words were beautiful and gave hope. In a later comment, she said that this was the very first time she had disclosed it publicly and felt that maybe God was prompting her to do so. I, too, feel compelled to make Anon 3’s comment into a post in order to reach a wider audience via internet searches and so it will not be merely buried in the comments area.

To those who have stopped by via an internet search on this topic, welcome. You may be in a very difficult place. No one knows the path each individual takes. Some agonize for months and even years on whether to stay or whether to go. On this blog, we talk a lot about spiritual abuse, but haven’t delved into the topic of what it is like to be married to a pedophile. I happen to know a wife who is married to a pedophile and has remained married to him. Although she would say things are fine, when I look at their marriage, I do not see that. I see pain and emotional distance. There is no intimacy, but two people living two separate lives. She never got the courage to leave and it has taken its toll on the entire family, including extended family. But she believes that she has made the right decision.

No one can make that decision for anyone else. It comes with a cost. That might be why Anon 3’s comment struck me profoundly. This brave woman chose a difficult path of leaving the familiar behind and venturing out on her own with her children. Her words speak for themselves. If you are the wife of a pedophile, know that as I type these words, my prayers are with you – – that you will be able to make the best decision for you and your family and that you will also continue to surround yourself with safe and loving support from friends/family who care. You should not have to be alone in this process whether you decide to stay or leave. ~Julie Anne

A Letter from the Wife of a Child Molester

I actually do feel compassion for the perpetrator’s families. And I have a message for the wives:

I want you to know how sorry I am about your situation – both for you and your children.

You are not the only Christian woman who married a pedophile. I did too. I left him more than a decade ago because I knew that someday I would end up on headline news, just as you have. I am so sorry for the embarrassment and humiliation you’ve suffered.

Each of us makes our own decision. I stayed a long time with my husband too. I’m probably about your age. I hoped that my love would fill that empty place in his heart. It didn’t. I had fasted and prayed during my entire marriage. We tried years of counseling and even an in-patient treatment center. My husband got a masters in marriage and family therapy from a Christian university. It didn’t help.

One day, I found out about a new incident, and I realized I had to get out for the sake of my children and everyone around us.

I felt the Lord saying, “You are like a bird in a cage. But see? I have opened the door. You may fly out or stay in. But that door won’t open again.”

I flew out. And I am so happy I did. I asked my husband to leave – exhibiting a strength and toughness I never knew I had. I got him out of my home, out of my church, out of my neighborhood, and out of my town. I did not hate him; but I knew he was a walking disaster area.

Yes, the first couple of years were hard financially, but God was faithful. My children suffered at first, but they have turned out as lovely whole people. They are winners in every sense: personally, academically, and spiritually. They don’t have the level of damage in their lives that their father does. They love him but see his limits. I told them the truth when they turned 21. (They hadn’t been victims themselves and hadn’t known.)

I want to give you hope that if you want to fly out the open door, that life is wonderful out here. Yes, you will hurt a lot for a year, maybe two. But the joy of living without the burden of a pedophile in your life is incredible.

• I thought God could never use me again. But he has.
• I thought I would never be in ministry again. But I am — even more than before.
• I thought people at church would condemn me. But they didn’t. They surrounded me with love.
• I thought I would never be financially solid again. But I am. In fact I have 10 times the assets I did when I was married, and my retirement is nearly fully funded.
• I thought I was disqualified for God’s best. But I know now I am a daughter of the Lord, and am blessed.
• I thought my children would be damaged and hopelessly dysfunctional. They aren’t. They tell me that they feel the same as everyone else. In fact, they look at their friends’ mothers and see a lot more dysfunction there.
• I thought I would never have any honor. I’ve been put on many corporate and non-profit boards and served in far more leadership positions in church than I did when I was married.
• My children are proud of me for what I did.

I hope this has given you hope.

Whatever you decide, the choice is truly yours. I am thrilled I was set free. My life is incredibly happy. There are much worse things in this world than divorce.

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Update 7/27/13: Even though this blog post is not current, the comments are being followed by others whose lives have been affected by pedophilia. Feel free to reach out in the comment section (using a pseudonym is perfectly fine). I keep all e-mail addresses strictly confidential.

If you are struggling with the fact that your spouse/family member or close acquaintance is a pedophile and need help, please let me know. I will try to find help/resources for you. I have been in touch with others behind the scenes gathering resources on this subject.

You must know that you are not alone. There are many wives/families who have walked your journey and would love to reach out to you. ~Julie Anne

328 comments on “Being Married to a Pedophile: A Wife Speaks Out and Offers Hope to Other Wives of Pedophiles”

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Anon3 posted this action plan to Carmen on May 30th in the comments above.
I think the advice is sound.
“You have something good in your life that Brenda and I did not have: You have time to plan. I would recommend you get out a piece of paper and figure out how you could start a new life without your husband. It might take several weeks to get this information together. Give yourself 90 days.

My 60 year old mother just married a man who had previously been my landlord for the past 2 years. Due to health issues I have been out of state and lost my apartment during my treatment. My landlord/now stepdad has always appeared to be a good man. I am glad my mom found happiness. However, due to my circumstances I am now living with them while I recuperate and was called for a family meeting with a close family friend/counselor. During this they tried to take a preemptive strike by informing me, before I got too close to his daughters and heard it from them, that he cheated on his ex wife 30 years ago and molested his 9 year old daughter 15 years ago. And he had disclosed this to my mother before marriage, but they were afraid it would be a “dealbreaker” for me and I would cut my mom out of my life. Needless to say I feel I’m in shock. My heart bleeds for his kids. I have a recent history of sexual assault and rape too so I was especially triggered. I feel angry at my mother for KNOWING this and still marrying him. AND having me move out of state to live in a home with someone with this history and not tell me until I settled in!! Then ONLY because they don’t want me to be dissuaded by his daughters even though he openly admitted it. He showed obvious remorse and extreme guilt and swears he would never do it again, but I’m having a difficult time trusting either of them. I am completely broke, my car battery died, I am literally stuck where I’m at and can’t leave and I don’t know what to do or how to handle this. I’ve felt sick to my stomach all day since and locked myself in my room (he has a spare key). I just feel unsafe and not sure where to turn. I’m not a child, but a young adult; however, I have PTSD and childhood memories of my own abuse and I would appreciate advice and any support out there. Anyone have an idea?

Dear Aly,
First of all, I am so sorry for the pain and confusion you are feeling. I know those feelings. I did not learn about my ex-husband’s molestation of children until three years into our marriage during my first pregnancy. It is a devastating and overwhelming grief.

Here’s what I know about child pornography from a personal and professional perspective: it is progressive–what titillates and excites today won’t work tomorrow so more graphic material must be found. It is all-consuming–it will demand more and more and more of his time and energy. It requires secrecy and hiding, which will spill over into all of his relationships. Even when he seems to be present to you or your daughter, he isn’t completely–his mind is absorbed either with maintaining his secret life or reliving what he has watched or viewed. It will eventually render him incapable of normal relationships and work productivity. One day he will be caught and you and your daughter will be in harm’s way when that occurs.

If I could give advice to that pregnant 23 year old who was me when I first learned of my ex’s behavior, I would say “RUN!” I am remarried and the layers of grief and pain that are now healing are rooted in my marriage to a man who was and is a fake. I have over three decades of “junk” to heal from–times when I was blamed and accepted that blame for his criminal behavior, times when I felt less than as a woman and wife because I could not satisfy him after I “grew up.” I still struggle with disrupted sleep because I learned as a 23 year old to stay alert during my sleep to the potential cry from one of my children. I struggle with trust and with shame. I struggle with fear and anxiety. I live waiting for the “other shoe to drop.” I live with trauma responses.

My children? In one day they lost the dad they thought they had. Had he died, it would have been easier for them. What Velour quoted above is so true of pedophiles–they have a different relationship to truth than you or I have. That will color every day of your marriage and life to this man–not only for you but for your children. So I say to you, unapologetically, “RUN!” Run and don’t look back. Save yourself and your daughter because you are married to a predator. Child pornography is not a victimless crime–the children depicted in the pictures your husband loves to look at did not willingly pose for those pictures. They are documents of some of the worst days of their life and your husband gets off looking at them. RUN!

First, I don’t know if you used your full legal name. If you used your last name too, you may want to have Julie Anne remove it (if she can) so that only your first name appears. [JA note: I removed last name. Thx, Velour]

I am sorry you lost your apartment and are struggling with health issues.
And I’m sorry that you are having to live with a man who seems nice but is unsafe, your mom’s current husband.

I would recommend that you up the self-care such as low-cost therapy if it’s available in your area (call an advice nurse to ask where you can get it).
Sometimes students in training under supervision will have sessions.
Catholic Charities also is known for it with therapists/social workers. Just an idea.

*Suggestion for safe support/help with action plans, etc: Debtors Anonymous where they deal with debt, underearning, cash flow, medical problems, etc. If you are in an urban area there may be a meeting near you. If not, there are phone in meetings. There is also one just for medical issues and the participants focus on that. Ask for a Pressure Relief Meeting.

Dear Aly, I am so sorry you have found yourself in this position. My heart hurts for you.

You have already discovered the important thing about pedophiles (a man who is drawn to child pornography is a pedophile): they lie. They are liars from the very heart of them. None of his promises are trustworthy. He says he has not molested a child, but his words are meaningless. He says he is attracted to girls the age of 9, why do you think he says that? So that you will think your baby girl is safe from him for years.

It is so hard to realize someone is not who you thought they were, it can be very scary, actually. But look at the clues. You say, “he decided he wanted to be there in her life as her father,” there is your clue. Think about it. In fact, he may have already molested your baby girl. Please put her safety first. She has no one to look out for her but you. You aren’t trapped, it just feels that way. There is help for you.

Do not discard the image(s) until directed to do so by law enforcement. When directed to do so by law enforcement, ensure the image is permanently destroyed. (18 USC § 2258B) Ask them how to destroy it.

Aly,
Please turn him in. I found child pornograpy on my husbands phone too and I turned him in. Do not take picture or print any of the pictures. When he is asleep take his phone with his passcode to the police department and turn him in.

Good Evening,
I am writing to try to find help for my dad. I recently found out that my stepmother had sexually molested my 2 year old son. My dad believes it 99% but is probably not going to leave her. If he doesn’t I don’t think I can have him in my life anymore and my brother and his family are standing by our sides. My dad will lose all of us if he doesn’t leave her and I think he is just too weak. He just keeps making up excuses for not leaving. I really want to convince him that standing up for his grandson is the Right thing to do but it’s getting impossible to get through to him. He feels like if he leaves her he is abandoning her when she has a mental illness and she needs him. She hasn’t admitted to it and continues to lie about it and is a sociopathic liar. How can I help him to see that he can do this?
Any advice you can give would be great.
Thank you,
Mergirl

You are in a particularly tough situation. I understand your dad’s perspective and I understand yours, because my story includes elements of both. I stayed with my ex-husband out of a sense of loyalty, being true to my vows and compassion for him. I stayed because of poor theology and because I felt his criminal behavior was my fault. I was wrong. So very wrong.

After my world exploded, two beautiful granddaughters joined our family. I spent the last two weeks with them and we shared so many delightful moments and created some amazing memories. As I sat on the beach cuddling my youngest grandchild early one morning, I realized anew that if I were still married to my pedophile, I would not be able to enjoy these wonderful moments and these precious girls would not be safe. I’m so grateful for our world explosion because I cannot imagine life without these girls and I know I would be unable to keep them safe from my ex.

You are right to protect your son–that is your job. I encourage you to stand firm in that. Your dad needs help in understanding what he is dealing with. If your stepmother is an addict (and she probably is), this will not get better, no matter how hard he tries to placate and contain her. Addiction is a progressive disease and perpetrators violate in plain sight. He might find some help by reading my blog (A Solitary Journey), attending S-Anon or reading some of the books I list on the sidebar of my blog. He is not alone and neither are you. I’m proud of your resolve and I hope you realize how courageous that is.

My only addition is to say you can invite your father (alone) to come visit your children even if he chooses to stay married to your stepmother. He sounds trapped in codependency, and his self-worth is probably too low to leave her at this point.

You won’t be able to rescue him or coerce him to leave. He’s a grown man and he’s will make his own choice. There are many good articles on male codependency online. I hope he discovers his true value, gets out, and eventually finds a healthy woman to share his life with.

For decades Brenda and I were both tied (by our own codependency) to our pedophile husbands, but we both left, found our healthy identity in Christ, and discovered new healthy relationships! Even if your dad is codependent, he can break free and have a loving and nourishing relationship next time. He is not trapped in a cyclical pattern. What joy!

I am in a situation currently. My husband was inappropriate with my younger brother in his teens. He’s 34 now. When he came to me and disclosed, he was 18. We decided we could keep quiet and watch dog my husband. We both believed it was isolated, wouldn’t happen again, still feel that way. My brother came out and is married to a man. My marriage was strained due to loss of respect. Had an affair with a teacher of our daughter. We decided to tell my family. They were pretty upset, and my parents want nothing to do with my husband. We separated 6 years ago. I hoped with time, my husband could search proper counseling. He says at the time he didn’t know it was wrong but does now. He thinks he needs no boundaries and we should all forgive and move on. We have been in counseling. He wants me to reconcile the marriage, regain respect, first. I would like him to appologize to my brother and parents, so that I can respect and rebuild trust. He is covered by statue of limitations. Our struggle is he simply believes he didn’t walk away from my brother who made himself available after the first encounter. He doesn’t think he abused my brother or that he is a child molester. They both exposed themselves on the first encounter and there was a minor touch from my husband. He doesn’t understand the position I’m in. I wish to reconcile because I know God is gracious and i should be also, and I believe aside from this, he can be a redeeming, valuable person. Like the saying, “don’t throw the baby out with the bath water”. But also tempered with the scripture that talks about harming a child, that person should be thrown in the sea with a weight around their neck.(Matt 18:6). What help or encouragement could you give me?

Dear Jody,
Thank you for having the courage to reach out for help and maybe a reality check? You spent the bulk of your marriage being a “watch dog.” I did as well from a mistaken belief that I could actually prevent him from molesting again. We know that perpetrators often molest in plain sight precisely because they are trusted members of a family or social group (i.e. church). I know the pain that serving as a “watch dog” for the man you are married to can cause.

I’m wondering if you are being “gaslighted” by your husband. Gaslighting is a term coined from an old movie by the same name. It is used in psychology to describe an attempt to alter someone’s reality. Minimizing, blame-shifting, denial and counter-attack are common gaslighting tactics. The reality is that your husband molested your brother. End of story. It doesn’t matter if he didn’t know, or if your brother made the first move. Until your husband can admit this reality and begin facing this fact, it certainly seems like he is attempting to gaslight everyone about what occurred.

Perpetrators do not like boundaries–they do not respect them. They often encourage the “forgive and let’s just move on” stance. Someone in recovery who truly understands and accepts what he did will welcome boundaries and truth-telling and accountability. And they certainly will not minimize or diminish in any way the pain they have caused another.

You are right–God is a gracious God. But only God can redeem–He doesn’t call us to do His work. Your husband’s redemption is not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to care for yourself and any children in your life. What we know about perpetrators is that they usually do not stop but rather progress. Without qualified and ongoing treatment, they are most certain to re-offend and even with that treatment there is no known cure for pedophilia.

My advice is to heed the airline safety mantra: “put your own oxygen mask on!” Marriage to a man who has offended can be incredibly damaging to a woman’s sense of self, value and identity as a woman. Get yourself to safety before you are caught up in another one of your husband’s “indiscretions.” I’m sorry but I have no encouragement to offer for staying in the marriage. Some may disagree with me but my concern is first and foremost for you and for any children in your/his life.

So true, Lydia. Both Brenda and Anon3 have played such an important part of many women’s worst nightmares, coming along side during the height of their crises and giving them hope. I am so grateful for their involvement here and on the forum.

I am in a situation.. My husband, my hero, a retired state trooper and all around good guy, has blown up the world as I know it. A year ago myhusband of nine years was charged with involuntary sexual intercourse with a minor under 13. He was 49 at the time. This charge along with six other charges against him were made by his niece. He admitted to me that he did do improper things with her, and messaged her extremely improper messages on social media. I have a daughter myself who is the same age as the accuser, but I KNOW he didn’t do anything to her as she would tell the world. He swears it was only that one time. Because I have a daughter in the house, children’s services are involved, and my daughter is tired of the intrusion into her life. My son is over 18 and just ignores the situation. My step daughter is over 21 and has special needs. I thought we could work through it… I thought I was strong enough. My children depended on him and the stability he gave them that their biological father did not. I’ve been living in a fog for three years. Faking happiness and professing his innocence. But I know better. And I’ve finally told him I need to breathe. For me, and for my kids, and his daughter who has chosen to stay with me. He is in the process of moving out. But I’m so sad. Sad for the loss of what I thought was a good marriage. Mad that he did this to her, to me, to us. And confused that I feel guilty. Guilty for believing him. Guilty for still loving him. Guilty for asking him to leave his home. I feel guilty for hurting HIM when he’s shattered my heart and soul. What is wrong with me!? How can I feel this way?! I’m so lost.

Dear Conflicted,
I am so sorry for your pain and for that of your children. This betrayal is just about as bad as it can get. The only thing I can imagine that would be worse is the death of a child. All of the emotions that you describe–anger, sadness, guilt, shame–are normal. It is perfectly normal to hate and love him at the same time so your moniker is a good one for any of us who have been in a similar situation.

Please know that the guilt you feel for believing him is misplaced. It is misplaced because these guys are incredibly skilled at convincing everyone around them that they are really the good guys. And it is misplaced because you love/ed him–you trusted him because he was/is your husband. You were not evaluating his behavior forensically–you were accepting and valuing him because of the nature of your relationship with him. Does that make sense? Hindsight is always 20/20. When we know, we know but until then we are often the very last ones to discover what our husbands have been up to.

Nothing is wrong with you–you are experiencing an incredible betrayal and the breakup of a marriage that you valued and believed in. But you did not do this, you did not cause this, you could not control it (had you known) and you cannot cure it. For the sake of your children, it is right and proper that he leave the home. He did this to himself, he did this to you and to innocent children. He is the criminal, not you.

I’m glad you found us and that you were courageous enough to post. You have a community here who believe you and will support you but who will also speak truth to you, gently and compassionately. I will soon celebrate five years post world explosion and I can honestly say that life is good again–very good. It will be for you as well.

Conflicted, I have no good experience/advice except to echo Brenda that you have no reason to feel guilty. I don’t know how much that will help, you may have to just work through it, but you are doing what is best for you and the kids. I am glad you think your daughter is safe, but I would not trust this man at this point.

Brenda… Thank you for the boost… My heart and soul have taken a blow. I don’t know how to act around him as I still see him when he comes to get his daughter. I want to hate him. I’m just not there yet.

Lea… I do know my daughter and she is safe. She does NOTHING she doesn’t want to and would NEVER let him touch her that way. She is disappointed in him as we all are. Several years ago, there was a gunman in our area. My daughter was put in lockdown at her dance school. Once the gunman was found and the girls were let out… She ran straight past me into his arms… He was her rock of safety, too. Now…. She’s angry.

My husband and I was married 10 years before I found out he was sexually abusing my then 15 year old daughter (his step daughter) I’m still married to him, but we’ve been separated for 2 years now. I have 3 other children, 4 total 2 girls and 2 boys. The one whom he committed the act with is turning 18 soon and leaving home after graduation this summer to join the military. He’s receiving counseling and I feel like it had helped but, I’m still afraid to live in the same house with him again.
I feel so very trapped like I should leave him completely but at the same time I dont want to divorce him. I’ve been shunned and ridiculed by my family because this. I’m often feel embarrassed, depressed and feel so very alone. I do receive some support from friends, which I have few of.
I’m afraid of being in a new relationship because I feel like it would open the door for this to happen again but to my younger daughter, that’s the main reason for the separation and not the complete divorce.

It must be heartbreaking to be mistreated by your own family. After this betrayal by your husband, you most certainly don’t need that.

What on earth would your family have against you? That you’re separated from him, or that you haven’t divorced him yet? Either way, I can make no sense of it. Why can’t they see that their love and support is exactly what you need now?

I am so sorry that you are experiencing this enormous betrayal, not only from your husband but also from your family. This is not uncommon, unfortunately. It is also not uncommon for the partner to feel a reluctance to divorce the perpetrator and while some may disagree, I believe it is partially due to something Patrick Carnes wrote about–a betrayal bond. A betrayal bond forms when someone is both incredibly kind and loving and cruel to you. You can often see a betrayal bond at work in abusive relationships and the cycle of violence. Women stay through the tension-building and explosive phases because they know that when the violence is over, the man they fell in love with will re-emerge, if only for a brief period of time.

While many find fault with the idea of betrayal bonds, I think they may partially explain the dynamic that is at work when we find it hard to let go of a marriage that has been destructive to children–we long for that man that we fell in love with. The notion that he has done heinous things to a child is so incongruent with our experience of him. Recovery involves really looking at that experience of him and understanding the manipulation and deception that he used to keep us from knowing the truth about him. This is often a very difficult process.

You are not alone in your experience. But let’s look at the truth of it, shall we? He has molested a child and you still have three vulnerable children in your home. Can you really allow him to have access to them? That is what remaining in a relationship with him means–access to additional victims. He may sound like he has changed but few actually do. Pedophilia is incurable–the most we can hope for is to contain it. What would genuine repentance look like? Would a man who has molested and is truly sorry for that behavior actually want to subject himself to additional temptation? I don’t think so.

You are remaining tied to a dead corpse of a marriage. He may have singled you out because you had children–potential victims. You deserve better than this and your children do as well. I encourage you to find a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist and begin the work of disentangling yourself from this man, for your sake and for your children’s safety. You are worth so much ore.

i am the ex-wife of a child molester. i found out that he perpetrated crimes many years ago and discovered the horrific truth 18 months ago when he was arrested. My three adult children and I are not supporting him. He did not abuse them. I live with the concern for the victims and worry for my kids’ future knowing he is a child rapist.The trauma of the situation is not only the worry for the childrens’ lives he has abused but the fact that my kids and I must live with the repercussions of having conflicted feelings about him. Our reaction to these crimes is visceral and feel the crimes are heinous and unforgivable. I am hoping that time will heal somewhat.

My heart goes out to you. You and I have similar stories, except that you found out after your children were adults.

It’s okay for your children to have confllicted feelings about their father. They have a two-part relationship with him. One is that he’s their father, and they feel some level of affection for him simply for that. The second part is the horror of knowing they were raised by “a monster” (“monster” is my son’s word, the day he found out the truth about his dad).

It’s okay to feel both. My children feel both love and deep disapproval for their father. (They weren’t victims.) They have their own relationship with him, now that they are adults. My daughter keeps him at arm’s length. She sees him a self-centered, shallow, and manipulative. My son and ex-husband enjoy a few hobbies together. My son sees his father as immature but a worthwhile companion for adventures. Neither of the kids enjoy spending more than 24 hours with him.

Your kids will sort out that relationship themselves. It’s okay — no matter what they decide. But once they have children of their own, I plan to remind them that pedophilia doesn’t go away in old age.

My husband of 20 yrs was sentenced to 27 yr this morning…. while I feel some relief I still am so incredibly sad… and in mourning for a marriage and family Iife that will never be… I struggle with he did and the love I feel for this man… a man I know I never really knew…dealing with the pain that he inflicted on my daughter. Hoping she can forgive me for staying married to him for now… all I want to do is give her innocence back