Wednesday, 1 June 2011

The darkness

Brave women have bared their soul to all on my blog to help remove the stigma of depression.

and I sympathised, I said that I knew how they felt.

I realise now that I really didn't.

I've been ill for weeks now. It started with a chest and throat infection, then a kidney infection which left me hospitalised and hooked to fluids and IV antibiotics, then I developed a sinus infection which gave me neuralgia and now as icing on the cake I have developed thrush from all the antibiotics which were designed to stop me being ill.

The descent into depression has occurred so fast that I really don't know how it happened. I understand WHY. But sometimes it just really doesn't matter why it happening, it just IS.

I feel as though I am screaming, loudly. but no-one is listening. But even if they were. I wouldn't know what to say to them anyway. Chances are I would plaster a huge smile on my face, crack a joke and try my hardest to seem like the old me.

Because at the moment I feel as if my world has split, there is the "old" me. and now the new me, and as much as I tell myself this is just a temporary state I worry that the old me is now dead forever instead of just a little lost.

I've felt low before, but never so desperately sad as I do now.

Some people retreat inside themselves to work things out for themselves, others reach out, desperate for people to notice how they are feeling and even while they are smiling, there are tears in their eyes.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I just wanted to share how I am feeling at this moment. I WILL get better. On doctors advice I have stopped the antibiotics, I feel that they have had a HUGE impact on my mood and hopefully once they start leaving my system I will start to notice the sunshine again.

I have the support of some really great friends who have been there with me every step and I know will continue to support me while I try to find my way out of the darkness. I've lashed out at people who didn't deserve it, and reached out to people who weren't there. I live and learn.

But with my friends, no matter how alone I feel I know I'm not alone.

and maybe I have to feel this low to appreciate the highs in my future.

17 comments

The most massive of hugs. Following some huge emotional upheaval at the end of last year and a flare of a chronic health problem (christ I sound like a barrel of laughs!) I got as close to being depressed as I ever have recently and know exactly what you mean about slapping on a smile and getting on with it. I found once I accepted it and was able to talk about it, it helped - so well done for putting this out there, hopefully it will help you. You cant be the life and soul all the time & whilst we are all missing you, we all want you back when you are ready - just as soon as you are feeling kick ass again! xxx

I hope you are feeling better soon, when it grips you it takes a lot to shake it. But as you say you live and learn, and the things that have made you feel low can be changed and lessons learnt. I have a really personal journey of depression, not myself but close family members, it's a horrible horrible illness and one that needs more honesty and understanding before we can conquer it.

Huge hug Kellie, you are going to make it through. It's a rough patch, a terribly rough one, but you will get over it. Meds can sometimes be harsh on our stomachs, but on our brain and spirits too.I can somehow relate. I got the flu last week, thought i was over it on Friday, then woke up Sunday morning feeling absolutely awful. In total I've been a week sick, but feeling so physically sick brought out the worst feelings. Loneliness as I'm living in a new town with my OH abroad, disappointment at myself at being unemployed, sadness as I miss some friends I've lost along the way... I cried, lost my appetite, then got hungry and gorged myself...I'm lonely, sad, weak and depressed. But I keep repeating, is a rought patch, you will get through it. And I know I will, I know I will smile again and be all "brave Jess" and get on with my life.We can't always be in top form, we can't always deliver, and that's ok. You will get better, I know you will, deep down you know you will, and when you do, we will all celebrate it with a cup of tea in your honour...although I will choose cava as you are THAT fabulous xxxx

As someone who has struggled with depression on and off for most of my twenties, I understand what you are going through. It sounds as though you have pushed yourself too hard recently and the illnesses are your body's way of saying 'woah there'. Whenever I can feel depression rearing its ugly head, it's always because I have stretched myself too thinly and forgotten to take time for me.

Be patient and kind to yourself. You'll gradually start to feel stronger each day.

Oh Kellie. I knew you were ill, but didn't realize it was that bad. I had depression last year and didn't know when or if it was going to end, but with the help of my wonderful friends I am almost out of it. I am sure you have equally wonderful friends and will be back to you normal amazing self soon xxx.

Kellie I'm so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time at the moment. So many people say you'll get through it but I know it is difficult to see it that way at the time. I had a pretty rough period when I first fell ill and almost wanted to scream about how awful I felt, but just smiled politely instead. It always made me think of the poem 'Not waving but drowning'. I didn't know how much more obvious I could make it that I was suffering but it didn't get through, friends and family thought I was dealing with it all really well, I guess in a way becuase that is what they wanted to think. I definitely relate to the split person sensation you describe, I still see me before I was ill and me after that time as separate entities, but luckily the divide is beginning to blur a little.

I do also think from personal experience that medication can have a huge impact on these kind of things. I take a cocktail of meds each day but had to stop a drug recently as I didn't feel myself at all. Hopefully now you are off the antibiotics you will see and feel an improvement.

You know I know your pain! I'm so glad you recognise what's going on and know where to go to get some help. Heck, it's only been the last couple years that I've finally managed to get a handle on that element of being ill and I've been struggling with this since before I even went to primary school!!! I love that you're so open about it and that your blog is always so supportive of people that deal with depression in all its different forms. It's something super close to my heart having seen what happens to people that go undiagnosed and untreated. It baffles me that society and the medical profession are still so in the dark about it. From my perspective, and seeing as mine is clearly genetic, I see it like any other medical illness. Big hugs, lots of love and I'm going to show you a fabulously fun time next week! R xxx

are you starving?? dying?? homeless?? then GET OVER YOURSELF, really your moaning when there are people on the waiting list for a kidney that would love to have your problems. Think about how lucky you are and get on with your life, if thats worrying about shoes and bags so be it....

I can only sincerely hope that whoever left that anonymous comment never, ever suffers from any form of depression, because nobody knows how bad it is until you go through it. And I hope you feel proud of yourself, leaving a nasty comment for a lady who's been brave enough to bare her soul on more than one occasion, to try and help others going through the same things. That type of comment is a complete step backwards in trying to get rid of the taboo surrounding depression. Kellie, Ignore.

I'm not going to go into any great detail here, but I DO know how you feel, and I DO know that it will pass. The best advice I could ever give you is to take every hour as it comes, and do something specifically for you. I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope to see you back here soon, healthy and happy, we all miss you xxx

I've been on and off anti-depressants for 15 years and I've been back on them since November. I've also had loads of illnesses, chest and sinus infections and every month since December I've had something and missed a lot work. If I wasn't on my medication for depression I would even be more depressed. I feel like my body has taken a battering but I'm holding strong and I know you can too.

It's good that you have such a great support system online and offline too!

I'm sorry to read that you feel like this, and I hope you recover. The antibiotics-candida thing is so typical, and it can also contribute to depression as I'm sure your doctors have told you. I can't say that I fully understand what you are going through but I had a similar problem.

What helped me was changing my diet (temporarily) to an an anti-candida one. It lifted the fuzziness and the physical symptoms that exacerbated my anxiety and depression. I know you probably want comfort and understanding rather than practical advice but trust me, it works! Even if it is a bit hell giving up sweets and carbs for 2 or 3 weeks, it is worth it for how it makes you feel.

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