Spoof news stories from Tuesday 10 August 2010

LOS ANGELES - After months and months of back and forth speculation, it is now official. The cast of Survivor: Nicaragua has finally been announced.
Host Jeff Pobst has said that the two tribes will be the Espada Tribe and the La Flor tribe. Lead...

Annoying busy body Peter Tatchell has announced that most homosexuals are in fact gay.
The news was received with stunned silence, with most newspapers afraid of appearing bigoted, and therefore refusing to publish it. Gay charities welcomed the a...

Good evening. In the first of our interviews with leading British celebrities, tonight we're talking here in our London studios to Katie Price. Now, Katie Price, why would anybody want to watch you on television or read about you in the newspapers?
Jeremy Paxman: Hang on, do you mind, you're in the wrong studio…
Katie Price: Wot u talkin bout?
Jeremy Paxman: I'm supposed to be interviewin...

EL PASO - The Colombian hip shaker Shakira had just finished performing to a sold-out crowd at El Paso's La Chupacabra Convention Center when she was asked about her extra curricular activities during the 2010 World Cup Finals which were recently hel...

For those who begin their day looking at "death caught on tape" videos, their ghoulish appetites were sated with an amusing little piece this Monday: The deadly shooting at a south Atlanta hotel on Sunday that shows an armed robber accidentally killi...

No one whom we talked to ever expected this album to be done, but it's almost completed and on it's way to release by January of next year. What's more, it's a hit already as fans of both are delighted.
Talk about weird combinations, Taylor Swift...

LONDON - The developments in the Peter Crouch - Monica Mint Scandal are developing faster than Heidi Montag's breasts.
It now appears that the gorgeously sexy Spanish prostitute has told a very close friend of hers that her next goal is to take Ch...

An attorney for Lindsay Lohan says that his client has launched a lawsuit against the Los Angeles correctional facility where she served some time recently.
Lindsay claims that she had no privacy, even to go to the bathroom.
Attorney Samuel Liv...

Having had much success with the iPod, iPhone and more recently the iPad, the technology to money firm has introduced the latest gadget in its iWant range of otherwise live-without gadgets.
The new iRon is a speciality domestic unit produced for w...

Following the government's announcement that the Royal Air Force will be cut down to World War I numbers, it appears that one of the first casualties will be in the world famous Red Arrows. It's enough to have Henry Allingham turning in his grave!...

'Why are diamonds so important, Mum?'
'They indicate love because they last for ever. They are also shiny and beautiful and look good on a dress.'
'What are boody diamonds?'
'That's the name given to the diamonds in this case involving Charles Taylor who seems to have given diamonds to Naomi Campbell. The diamonds were obtained by killing people so they are called blood diamonds.'
'So Ch...

BEIJING: Shocking reports coming out of China show infants and babies developing breasts. Chinese health officials have ordered an investigation into the contents of the baby milk powders fed to them. It is feared that producers of baby-food and oth...

For hundreds of years Biblical scholars have believed that the remains of Noah's Ark were to be found somewhere in the Middle East. Most expeditions had confined their search to parts of Turkey. Now in a breaking news report coming out of the Siache...

Dillingham - (RIP Mess): Alaska's near defunct Corrupt Bastards Club is in mourning today following the news that Ted Stevens was one of five fatalities in a downed DeHavilland DHC-3T accident.
Stevens, 86, the longest serving Republican in the h...

Canada's popular conjoined Dionne quintuplet sisters pulled off a major upset at the Canadian Open Wednesday when they defeated top-ranked sisters Serena and Venus Williams 6-1, 6-2 in a match that lasted barely 20 minutes.
The shocked Williams si...

A chicken nugget junkie "Hooligirl" attacked a waitress in Toledo, US (where?) today because she was refused them.
The reason: the restaurant was serving breakfast at the time and chicken nuggets were not on the menu?
Actually she was offered p...

In between slashing and cutting the wastrels of government expenditure and separating a few million people from their jobs, Prime Minister David Cameron announced that he is "just an ordinary sharp elbowed middle class person with £30 million".
T...

Don't be surprised if you look out your car window to see a Triceratops passing you in the next lane. No that's not a new Ford model - but the real thing. Boffins worldwide have concluded that the current climate changes world-wide are actually a reg...

Blooperstown, FL - As if being the most famous baseball player in the minor leagues wasn't enough of a bitter-sweet moniker, Chad "Chin Music" Tuttleman was inducted into the Minor League Baseball Hall of Fame yesterday amid lukewarm applause and a f...

In a joint statement issued today, Admiral Thad Allen and a representative of BP Oil announced that the Gulf Oil spill was not only over but the environmental impact from it had been totally eliminated!
A stunned press corps shouted questions at t...

Things haven't been going well for model Naomi Campbell lately. Firstly, she received some precious stones that weren't as big and sparkly as she had hoped. Then, she got cross-examined at the International Criminal Court and called a liar. Now, ther...

The English footy team are hoping thousands of 'Boo Boys' come to Wembley tomorrow to watch a meaningless game against a second-rate Hungarian team.
Captain Gerrard issued this surprise statement before the game:
"Please come and boo as loud as...

UNIVERSAL CITY, California - The 2010 Teen Choice Awards were held in Universal City, the city that has more teens than any other city in America.
The popular event was hosted by Katy Perry, who grew up just up the Pacific Coast Highway in Santa B...

A recent survey made on 10,000 people has revealed that the one act that would split up most couples is if either partner slept with the other person's mother.
The survey, published in the women's magazine "OMG!" showed that 65% of those surveyed...

Just hours after the story broke in GQ magazine about the woman claiming to have been kidnapped and made to smoke pot from a bong by Rand Paul, another bombshell has hit the newsstands-Rand Paul may be the person behind the pop culture saying "Bo...

A three year study was just completed on how different nationalities treat their computer equipment. The study found the following:
The Japanese are most likely to clean their keyboards after every use.
The Americans are most likely to spill food on their keyboards.
The Russians have a red button on theirs, but are afraid to use it.
The Swedish have heated keyboards for those long, col...

The English FA and the Premier League have got together in a new merchandising deal worth twenty million pounds, releasing a line of food products.
First in the freezer cabinets of local supermarkets will be Aston Vanilla ice-cream, said by food c...

London - (Second Coming): Customers at the Alley Barber Hookah Bar & Cafe in Tooting High Street were gobsmacked today.
The goddess's image appeared suddenly and unexpectedly in a plume of exotic tobacco smoke just ahead of closing for the Ra...

Shocked Aston Villa supporters woke up this morning to the news that Martin O' Neill had left the Midlands club just five days before the start of the 2010/2011 season. Many speculated that O' Neill left because he couldn't take the club any further...

Olympic and world sprint champion Usain Bolt has been ruled out of competing for the rest of the 2010 season, after a doctor diagnosed a serious penis injury.
The Jamaican's famous 'third leg', normally strapped to his leg with duct tape, could be...

Peter Crouch has today sensationally stated that he both wants to have his cake and eat it.
In a bold move he voiced the thoughts of a thousand footballers admitting that whilst he had a tall, slim, attractive girlfriend/wife at home he still wan...

It's the question on many people's lips - who does Ashley Cole think he is?
Major bloopers in the left back's recent 'career' include cheating on former wife, Cheryl, texting photos of his meat and two veg and underpants to various women, laughing...

Tomorrow (Wednesday) is the Ventnor Children's Carnival, that point in the Isle of Wight's social calendar that all children on the island look forward to, coming into Ventnor from as far away as Shanklin and Sandford.
This year's was set to be th...

The Hague - (Haemorrhage News): Oh, the sheer bloody unfairness of it all!
The singer is said to be feeling upset this week that lesser divas are hogging all the limelight at the Prince Charles Taylor whore crimes trial.
Although never official...

Peruvian Prison Officials narrowly averted public embarrassment after an elaborate scheme by Joran van der Sloot to escape confinement was revealed after a routine pregnancy test on the detained serial killer.
It is widely known in the Peruvian Ja...

A shopping list written by John Lennon has been sold at auction for £1.6m.
The A5 piece of paper was discovered in Lennon's pocket after he was gunned down in 1980. It has been reported that the list is still blood stained to this day, after Lenn...

The Health and Safety department has released a new list of dos and don'ts for UK citizens to keep them safe (and presumably healthy) around the house and workplace we can exclusively reveal.
Speaking on behalf of the Government Department Mr Flan...

As the world of football was once again left reeling with revelations of yet another sex scandal - the fiancee of Peter Crouch, the delectable Croxteth raised Abbey Clancy, friend of roly poly TV comedian James Corden, decided to consult an expert in...

Cheryl Cole has today dramatically revealed the real reason behind her recent weight loss - a friendly tape worm called Graham.
Speaking from her London mansion the superstar and her new friend sat comfortably together in the luxurious gardens si...

The landslide in China which has so far claimed 337 lives, is retribution from God for the scant regard the Chinese government has paid towards its citizens, according to that claims of a madman on a bus.
The man, speaking to a passenger on the 52...

For the foreseeable future, Ryde pier will be closed to vehicles. Ryde council have announced this measure following a safety inspection that discovered defects in the structure's structure.
Ryde Pier has long been a popular tourist destination fo...

World superstar, Robert Pattinson has some bad news for his female fans. His most prized possession, his stunningly kissable lips will be out of action until the spot that has appeared on them goes down, for it currently causes him intense pain whene...

Reporting from the State of Maine. To get to Maine from Boston you must drive north on interstate 95. On the way stop in New Hampshire and pick up some bargain liquor. At least it seems to be bargain liquor prices until you add in the road tolls that subsidize the State Liquor Store. It may end up costing the same as at home, but you will be stocked up for the stay.
In the interest of ke...

Punk poseur Avril Lavigne not only visited ex-husband Deryck Whimbly in a hospital where he was being treated for injuries suffered in a bar brawl, she visited him the next night at his gig; ordering a number 4 value meal,large, with a diet Coke.

Donald McGill is famed across the length of breadth and Britain for his saucy seaside postcards, but few know that he was born on the Isle of Wight and lived her for seventy of his sixty-four years.
Now a permanent museum in Newport will house a c...

The annual Ventnor Country Show that happens every year will not be stopped because of the restriction on horse movement put in place last week.
Show organiser, William McWilliam, 44, is adamant: "The Ventnor country show even took place during th...

Two of the most beautiful cats in the world, known as Mia and Naomi, have been keeping not only Holland, where they are in conflict, but the whole world, awake with loud caterwauling.
The reason for their conflict is due to Naomi getting a present...

WASILLA, Alaska - Levi Johnston, the ex-future son-in-law of the ex-governor of Alaska Sarah Palin has just announced that he plans on running for mayor of the town of Wasilla.
Johnston, who got back together with his baby's mother, Bristol Palin,...

ST. JEAN-CAP FERRAT, France - Queen Latifah, the hip hop rapper with the deep voice, manly figure, and crotch bulge that would make Lady Gaga cry is vacationing off the French coast with her fitness trainer Jeanette "Li'l One" Jenkins.
The happy b...

HOLLYWOOD - Mary Hart wasted no time finding a job after being fired after 29 years as host of Entertainment Tonight.
The South Dakota native has signed on to join the cast of the top rated sit-com Two and A Half Men.
Hart will portray Inger Sv...

Deflating corporate balloon H&R Block announced on Monday that it had elected a former eBay Inc. executive to its board.
"Apparently there is this network of computing machines," says the H&R Block CEO, who wishes to remain anonymous. "And...

Unable to find time to be with her husband on his birthday, Michelle Obama, called by New York Daily News reporter, Andrea Tantaros, a "Modern-day Marie Antoinette" for her extravagant holiday in Spain, visited a bar in Sacromonte, Granada in Souther...

Meet Horace, a 44 year-old fire safety inspector. Horace is married, with 2 teen sons who excel in math, and a daughter who is on the Varsity soccer team at her high school.
Horace has discount cards for Walgreens and Shop-Rite on his keychain, along with the key to his government-issued Ford Crown Victoria (Horace exclaims, "Its got the same engine as the police version!") as well as his wife'...

Last night in a concert at the Cricket Wireless Pavilion, Trace Adkins made a sexual advance to those who don't like Sheriff Asspayu. The inebriated doped up hillbilly screamed. "anybody who doesn't like sheriff Asspayu can blow me".
Every singl...

"You are no longer alone in your body," was the message of Stephen Hawking's latest talk on whether or not aliens do, in fact, exist on Earth. "You have been looking outside yourselves for little grey men with big bug eyes and brains the size of wate...

After the past week of words and fists flying between actor Robert Pattinson and ex-friend Tim Sturridge, Pattinson has now challenged Twilight co-star Taylor Lautner about his relationship with Kristen Stewart.
"I don't know what you're talking a...