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Topic: My daughter's houseguest is rude ! (Read 10860 times)

To be honest, I again see this as more a problem on your daughter's end. She should know your expectations in terms of boundaries for guests and consult you on things like dinner and whether her friend can stay another night. Really from your responses, I get the feeling that you are willing to find any excuse to mitigate your daughter's fault in the situation while jumping on any possible way to blame this girl. She may very well be a horrible person and a negative influence on your daughter, but that doesn't necessarily mean that everything in this particular situation is her fault.

Why, if you dislike her so much and don't want your daughter to have anything to do with her would you actually invite her to spend the night?

Well, I will try to keep this short. Again, my daughter is Bipolar and has spent the better part of the last 2 years in either a hospital or residential facility. During this time, she lost all her friends because while they have all grown up, made new friends, changed, she came back hoping to still fit in and except for one girl, it didn't happen. In her quest for new friends, this one is who she has latched onto the most because instead of my daughter overcoming her anxieties and growing herself, this girl tells her how things are gonna be (this is where you will go to school, this is where we will work, this is where we will live'. ) While I was not into this, I knew if I pushed, she would just latch on harder so I was nice to this friend, opened my house to her and just waited for what seemed like the inevitable petering out In the last 3 weeks, this girl has left her home after arguing with her mom and moved in with another kid who has the same issues as my DD and decided that my DD would also move in...immediately. So when I was informed that she was going to this girls house for a few days, I was under the impression that it was actually with the girls family. And yes, the fireworks when I found out my daughter lied to me were legendary...I honestly don't think I let up on that tirade for an hour, but my DD said she wanted to come home and they were driving her. That is when the excrement hit the fan and culminated with police, mental health professionals (not for my child) and my brother taking a road trip to get her. The girl and roomie came to me the next day and apologized and admitted they were wrong and they hoped I would forgive them. I told them in no uncertain terms how angry I was, how they were lucky I didn't have then charged with custody interference and that they were not ever going to be trusted again for a long time. After speaking with my DD's therapist, she suggested to not ban all interaction so as to not have them decide that they have to prove me wrong, but to make sure all interaction happens on my home turf where I can supervise and when they get sick of traveling in bad weather and high gas prices, it will hopefully end or when she turns 18 in a few months, then she can go do what she feels she needs to do. I would love this to go away today, but part of letting my DD grow up is to let her, within reason make decisions on who her friends will be. With having this girl come here, she can see how she treats others and how she keeps making decisions my DD knows aren't right, we are hoping this will just fade away. I know this makes no sense, but living with someone with mental illness makes no sense and sometimes the basic rules of the game get thrown out the window. Again, the girls does not drink, smoke, do drugs, is educated and has an ok job..if it weren't for the controlling factor I probably would tell my daughter to be just like her.

OP, I'm going to be somewhat blunt. Your DD being bipolar is a red herring. Being bipolar has NOTHING to do with being called on bad behavior. (Full disclosure. I have bipolar disorder, have been diagnosed as such for over 10 years.) I had bad friends too. And you know what? On the advice of my parents I cut them off. It's easier than you think, especially since your daughter is a minor. There was no reason to let this girl into your house.

Your DD can, and should, be held to proper behavior. Not extending stays of guests without asking you is proper behavior. Knowing you were making dinner and being able to tell this other girl that no, we're not ordering food because that's rude is proper behavior. And being mentally ill has little to do with that. It is not an excuse. Therefore, I agree with a lot of the PPs. Your daughter is just as much to blame, if not more so. And she should be held accountable.

Oh, and from someone who was bipolar....they know you don't like the other girl. They'd know that if they were neurotypical teenagers. Sixth sense and all. But I was well aware of who my parents wouldn't like. Even if they never said anything. They never had to.

Again, my daughter is Bipolar and has spent the better part of the last 2 years in either a hospital or residential facility

I agree with Kiara; bi-polar has nothing to do with the issue, and it doesn't excuse your daughter's behavior. Going on about your DD's therapist and the bi-polar is really reaching.

I respectfully disagree. I think her being bipolar has a LOT to do with it just from the fact that she missed out on a couple of years with her friends and really had to start all over again. That DOES matter. The prior friends enjoyed many social experiences that the OP's daughter missed out on. She's going to be playing catch up for awhile now.

And she was told by a "professional" to not do anything to actively discourage the relationship between her own daughter and the 'new' friend. Are you saying that she shouldn't listen to the person(s) who actually know her daughter and have dealt with her themselves? Maybe the professional person is wrong. You could be totally right. But I hardly think it's fair to bash the OP for doing what was suggested by someone else who is at least supposed to know what they're doing!

I think *inviteseller is in a situation where she can't avoid or cut off this person without negative repercussions occurring in the relationship between herself and her daughter. Yes, she could cut this person off completely from her home, but that will most likely result in driving her daughter away faster. Yes, the daughter is making bad decisions, but it sounds like *inviteseller can pin point who is influencing the decisions. I think what she needs at this point is suggestions for where she can set her boundaries. It's like someone who doesn't get along with their in laws, and doesn't invite them into their home, but will still meet them in public places, family events, or occasionally at the in laws home because they are making concessions for someone they love.

Telling *inviteseller to take a hardline with her daughter and the friend isn't going to be helpful because the daughter is going to be 18 soon, and *inviteseller's won't be able to help anymore unless the daughter wants help.

OP, I'm going to be somewhat blunt. Your DD being bipolar is a red herring. Being bipolar has NOTHING to do with being called on bad behavior. (Full disclosure. I have bipolar disorder, have been diagnosed as such for over 10 years.) I had bad friends too. And you know what? On the advice of my parents I cut them off. It's easier than you think, especially since your daughter is a minor. There was no reason to let this girl into your house.

Your DD can, and should, be held to proper behavior. Not extending stays of guests without asking you is proper behavior. Knowing you were making dinner and being able to tell this other girl that no, we're not ordering food because that's rude is proper behavior. And being mentally ill has little to do with that. It is not an excuse. Therefore, I agree with a lot of the PPs. Your daughter is just as much to blame, if not more so. And she should be held accountable.

Oh, and from someone who was bipolar....they know you don't like the other girl. They'd know that if they were neurotypical teenagers. Sixth sense and all. But I was well aware of who my parents wouldn't like. Even if they never said anything. They never had to.

I don't use this as an excuse..never have. In fact, if anything, I set her standards higher than my younger DD because her behavior can be outrageous. She is Bipolar/ADHD/ severe anxiety disorder/ODD/Depression...we butt heads constantly...it is exhausting. No matter what I say, she automatically will do the opposite. She is sketchy on taking her meds...when she is taking them and following her course of therapy, things are good. We can talk without her taking everything I say and twisting it...she is the classic victim..nothing is ever her fault. But since hooking up with friend, she has been cancelling appts, not taking meds, and in the state I live in. after the age of 14, they have a complete say in their treatment, so if she chooses not to take meds or go to appts, there is nothing I can do unless she starts cutting again (4 1/2 mos free of that!) I guess it looks like I am absolving her...I am not, but I also know how she operates and how this girl operates. The girl chooses to do something and my DD will not say word one against it because she is so dingdangity desperate for this friendship, and when I say something to her (I have said that she needs to stand up for herself and not let anyone tell her to change her dreams of what she wants to do) but that as seen as criticizing her BFF and herself. Until she is 18, I am legally responsible for her...after that, she can do what she wants (yeah, that is ulcer inducing with her issues) but until then all decisions are final with me. I guess now I am sorry I posted this because I just wanted to make sure in my head before I talked to my DD about it if it was rude for a guest to order in food like it was their own house. My DD knows how I feel but I will no longer talk about it. Thanks to all for your insights and thoughts. I love seeing the differing opinions ! And as a small update, I am being told there is no way for this girl to get home today and she will leave when her ride shows up tomorrow and because I said something, tension is so dingdangity thick, I am dropping it, cancelling other plans and will talk with DD tomorrow when it is said and done and she is gone that my hospitality will never again be extended to said friend. Again, ty!

Again, my daughter is Bipolar and has spent the better part of the last 2 years in either a hospital or residential facility

I agree with Kiara; bi-polar has nothing to do with the issue, and it doesn't excuse your daughter's behavior. Going on about your DD's therapist and the bi-polar is really reaching.

I respectfully disagree. I think her being bipolar has a LOT to do with it just from the fact that she missed out on a couple of years with her friends and really had to start all over again. That DOES matter. The prior friends enjoyed many social experiences that the OP's daughter missed out on. She's going to be playing catch up for awhile now.

And she was told by a "professional" to not do anything to actively discourage the relationship between her own daughter and the 'new' friend. Are you saying that she shouldn't listen to the person(s) who actually know her daughter and have dealt with her themselves? Maybe the professional person is wrong. You could be totally right. But I hardly think it's fair to bash the OP for doing what was suggested by someone else who is at least supposed to know what they're doing!

I have no opinion on the pizza thing, but for her to arrange to stay at your home uninvited (because you sure don't want her there another night, from your posts) is amazingly, incredibly rude and presumptuous.

Do you have anyone who can drive this person home? I saw you don't drive, but how about putting her in a cab? She had money for pizza, she can pay for a cab. There is no way I'd let her stay another night in my home - she doesn't call the shots in your home. You do.

I think that , as others have said, you are willing to dump all of the rudeness (or what you consider rudeness) on your daughter's friend and are unwilling to assign any to your daughter....particularly that pertaining to dinner.

If you display the derision to the friend that you do here, then the friend may not have felt welcome at your dinner table, despite your words.

Honestly, everything else is not relevant, you don't like this girl and consider her actions rude. I don't have teenagers, but imagine what was done is considered the norm for someone their age. Rude? Possibly. Hard to know because her actions may have been in response to your attitude.

Again, my daughter is Bipolar and has spent the better part of the last 2 years in either a hospital or residential facility

I agree with Kiara; bi-polar has nothing to do with the issue, and it doesn't excuse your daughter's behavior. Going on about your DD's therapist and the bi-polar is really reaching.

I respectfully disagree. I think her being bipolar has a LOT to do with it just from the fact that she missed out on a couple of years with her friends and really had to start all over again. That DOES matter. The prior friends enjoyed many social experiences that the OP's daughter missed out on. She's going to be playing catch up for awhile now.

And she was told by a "professional" to not do anything to actively discourage the relationship between her own daughter and the 'new' friend. Are you saying that she shouldn't listen to the person(s) who actually know her daughter and have dealt with her themselves? Maybe the professional person is wrong. You could be totally right. But I hardly think it's fair to bash the OP for doing what was suggested by someone else who is at least supposed to know what they're doing!

And my mother was told by the head of the #1 psychiatric program in the country that bad behavior was bad behavior and she should call me on it every single time. I'm giving another perspective from someone who has been there. I was incredibly self destructive. I started my entire life over again at age 25. I missed out on a lot, and I screwed some things up that I can never fix. It's never an excuse to act like a jerk. It can give you understanding for why something happened, but that's all. She still needs to apologize for what she did as part of this.

(And yes, if I was the OP I'd be questioning the professional pretty severely on why I should let my minor daughter continue to associate with someone who makes her behavior worse, including compliance with her treatment plan.)

You keep saying your daughter is easily influenced, etc and this girl is telling her how its going to be etc.

Well by you blaming this other girl and not your DD, you aren't teaching your DD to take responsibility for herself. Why should your DD stand up to this girl and exert her own ideas? When the other girl calls the shots your DD escapes getting in trouble. Great outcome for her. You have given your DD the perfect reason to never be the one in charge - the one in charge takes the heat.

You can't control the other girl. But you can to a certain extent control whats going with a minor in your home.

As many others have posted, I think your DD is way more at fault here then this other girl. And perhaps if you treated your DD as the one who royally screwed up and royally punished your DD, your DD would have some incentive to learn to take charge of situations, because your DD will understand she's the one who will have to pay the repercussions.

I think that , as others have said, you are willing to dump all of the rudeness (or what you consider rudeness) on your daughter's friend and are unwilling to assign any to your daughter....particularly that pertaining to dinner.

If you display the derision to the friend that you do here, then the friend may not have felt welcome at your dinner table, despite your words.

Honestly, everything else is not relevant, you don't like this girl and consider her actions rude. I don't have teenagers, but imagine what was done is considered the norm for someone their age. Rude? Possibly. Hard to know because her actions may have been in response to your attitude.

JMHO

She lives a little over an hour away so a cab would be very pricey. And, I have been lurking awhile, and isn't retaliatory rudeness unacceptable? And again, I have never said a cross word to this girl or disparaged her in anyway, but if she feels that I don't care for her, she might want to look at her actions to figure out why I might not be feeling the love. But obviously from the large consensus, I will let my DD take the fall for this and I will just sit back and wait til this girl leaves my house. I still haven't figured out my rudeness as, since about 15 minutes after the girl got here in which we had a nice conversation , she hasn't spoken 2 words to me. I also do not believe I have shown any derision to this girl, but I am questioning her etiquette, but again, the majority rules that I am in the wrong to assign the blame on the guest, so I will adjust my way of thinking and just wait out till she leaves tomorrow. I am mad about cancelling plans but I have not said a word, in fact DD I don't think at this point knows i did so, that will just be my knowledge.

Willy & Kiara..ty for your observations. Yes, my daughter is wrong for going along with unacceptable behavior. She has been taught better and her and I will discuss it, but this is not the time with friend in house. I have been trying to get DD to take responsibility for herself for a long time. There are good times...there are bad times...I can only continue to try to guide her when she is willing to listen. And my DD will face the music, as this girl will NOT be allowed back, but this whole thread has gone down a rabbit hole. I admitted my DD made bad choices from the word go, but the girl set up her transportation on her own (because right before she got here yesterday DD told me about movies before she would leave so she did not know) and as for the pizza it was an idea the girl came up with and my DD went with it blindly. Stupid? Yes? But the original question was really, was it rude for a guest who knew she would be provided with not only shelter but food for her stay order out for their own little party? Even if DD had come to me and said "hey, don't worry about dinner, we ordered out", is it not rude for if not the one ordering and paying but both telling the host before hand like when they were told what would be for dinner? And Kiara, I can question her therapist's professionalism all I want, but it is not their or my decision unless she is actively hurting herself again, because again, in my state, after the age of 14 a patient can accept or deny any or all mental health treatment. I have talked to dr's and therapist's till i am blue in the face but we cannot force her, all I can do is encourage it. It is something we live with everyday...it is an adventure I would not wish on anyone, and I am always heartened to hear other posters who have battled mental health issues and came out so successful. I am going to step away from the thread now because, I admit, it is getting hard being bashed for what is considered maybe bad parenting on my end..I do try on a day to day basis to get it right and I beat myself up enough, but by posting, I (rightfully) opened myself up to the opinions ty again...you have all given me some insights.