Tag Archives: humor

It’s the first day of Fall, I’m 9 pounds closer to making my skinny jeans shut the heck up. They have been sitting in my closet mocking me. “Ain’t no way you are fitting in me – – let alone zipping!”

I know. I know. A few too many #1’s from Chik Fil A, a few too many leisurely cookouts with a few too many margaritas. Add to the fact that, apparently, the closer you get to the big 4-0, your youthful metabolism takes a NOSEDIVE.

So I got serious. I am okay with not being skinny as a rail; that isn’t how God made me. But clearly I had gone off the rails a bit and needed to reign this crap in. So I started my standby – – Weight Watchers™ because it works. It helped me through the freshman 15, birthing twins, and then birthing my 3rd child less than two years later.

If you have ever been on a Weight Watchers™, you might have:

Curled up in a ball crying when you looked at what you thought was a healthy option and see it was a gazillion points. Thank you every salad on the menu EVER!!😩

Scoured the Tostitos bag for 12 WHOLE chips. If you are going to burn WHOLE points, you better believe you are not wasting any bites eating partials. Then you…

Slapped your husband’s hand when he tried to take one of your chips. Because just like Joey, Steph doesn’t share food. 😡

Savored a bag of Pirate’s Booty for supper, so you could still have the blessed 5 points for your wine.🍷

Ate an entire pint of strawberries as you washed them because, you know, they are free!🍓

Looked up the food you ate on my cheat day, and they are so bad that they aren’t even listed in the app. 😳 I mean come on – – Pimento Cheeseburger and Duck fat Fries…that can’t be so bad!! 😂

Realized how many times you finished the kids’ crust or took bites as you cooked since you are tracking everything that went into your mouth. 🙊

Got yogurt all over your face from licking the top and inside the container because, hey, you gotta maximize your points!😋

Found your motivation to clean your house when you saw that you earned FitPoints™ for doing it. 4 points, thank you very much! (then I looked up chasing kids, brushing teeth, anything to get more 😜)

Logged a food, then deleted it when you took a bite and it wasn’t Point-worthy.🙅🏻

Dethroned your BFF of 20 years to a mom that asked if you had lost weight. (Just kidding Jodi – you will always be my BFF. And Brea, you totally made my Tuesday 😘)

I joke about all of this, but I love everything about the program. Weight Watchers ™ helps you create healthy habits with your eating and your physical activity. And the app is super easy to use.

It’s not about getting skinny (or even into skinny jeans). It’s about getting healthy.

And that is all in the first five minutes of my 9 year old daughter’s sleepover.

Then in the next 5 minutes. . .

Huffing. Puffing. Foot stomping. And of course….the dreaded eye roll.

GIRL DRAMA. As irrational as it is, it is totally natural. Or as my husband, Eric, insists when there are more than one females in a room together…it is inevitable. 😜

I LOVE that my daughter has found other strong girls with likewise strong personalities. I can’t wait to watch them grow up, take on this world and see what God has in store for them.

However, when they are young, sometimes they can trip over their big personalities and bruise some feelings on their way down. That is where us big girls who have been there and done that can help. We can’t totally ditch the Drama. However, we can help our girls side step some of the theatrics and learn to face it head on when it can’t be avoided.

So this morning before our fruit, bacon and waffles, we had a Mama and girls pow wow. We brainstormed what we could do to take care of our friendships.

Here is what the girls pledged to Ditch the Girl Drama:

Be Kind. Kindness comes from the heart; it is love in action. I love my friends, so I will treat them with love and respect. But…

If I Get My Feelings Hurt, I Will Talk it Out With my Friend…Not Other Girls. The best way I can deal with a situation is to go straight to my friend and talk to her about it. Talking to someone else about it is just gossiping and may hurt someone else’s feelings. Who knows? Maybe I just misunderstood! But if not…

Ask for Forgiveness & Forgive Easily because…

I Understand We All Make Mistakes. No one is perfect! We all talk or act before we think sometimes. And then I will…

Learn From My Mistakes. I love and respect my friends, so I will do my best to make better choices next time. And, of course, I will. . .

ALWAYS Have My Friend’s Back! Even though we decided to ditch the drama, there are girls that thrive on drama. We will support and take care of each other. Always.

As I type this, they are again giggling, singing and dancing to JT.

Funny. I plan on doing that very same thing this weekend on my Girls Weekend with my girlfriends of over 20 years.

I pray these sweet girls will be doing the same with each other in 2036.

“You are totally rockin the Rachel haircut, but you may want to rethink the overalls and Birkenstocks”????

Probably, but I would like to think I have learned a few other things in the last 20 years that I could pass along…

Embrace your college years. It really is the time of your life.

I know you desperately want to move into an apartment and be grown up. You have the rest of your life to worry about paying bills. Enjoy the cafeteria and showers you don’t have to wash while you can.

Pay attention to the one class in college that teaches you about the internet aka “the world wide web.” It will kinda be a big deal.

Don’t be afraid to stray from the pack. Sometimes the pack takes the wrong path.

In a few years you will get your first cell phone. Several years after that, your iPhone will take the place of your watch, planner, calculator, camera, and Discman. Don’t let it take the place of real life. You never had all those things in your back pocket 24/7, so don’t feel like you have to now.

Pound the pizza now. Your metabolism sets sail at 38 with no return in sight.

You will never need to be ashamed of your NSync obsession. Get a poster of the curly headed one for over your bed, he too will kinda be a big deal.

Save your $$ and don’t buy those Rollerblades. Your mama will make you buy a ton of safety gear that will make you look like a dork. And you suck at skating.

Don’t just go for the nerd, be the nerd. Nerds rule the real world.

Go ahead and move to NYC after you graduate. If you don’t do it when you are young, you never will. Just know that you won’t have a big periwinkle colored apartment and drink coffee all day at Central Perk. And you can always move back home.

Listen to what your parents say. They actually have been there, done that and want to help you. And one day you will have kids and payback is a b!tch.

Embrace how God made you and quit trying to change it. (IE… no amount of squats will remove the junk from your trunk and put the flat iron in the drawer for good.)

Hold tight to your girlfriends. The same ones that stay up late watching “Fear” with you now, will be the ones that hold your hand and wipe your tears later. It will take a conscious effort to stay close as you age, but it is worth it.

You can’t change him. Love him the way he is or move on because one day you will have children with him and they will inherit all of his…quirks 😉

Enjoy whatever stage in life you are in…even if they last a little longer than you anticipated.

Learn to praise God in the hallway while you wait for the door to open. Look behind you. The door you expect to open isn’t always the one that does! Trust in God’s plan for your life.

Many things will go your way, but some won’t. It’s when they don’t that you will have the opportunity to become a better person.

Learn from your mistakes you made and forgive yourself immediately. God already has. You are no better than Him, right?

Be diligent about taking your quiet time with yourself and the Lord. These quiet moments are where you will find your true strength.

Life can be a series of highs and lows. My life has certainly been a testament to that. Met and married my wonderful husband Eric – High. Tried to conceive for a couple of years, failed fertility treatments, surgery – Low. Successfully got pregnant through IVF – HUGE High! High risk Pregnancy that left me on bed rest for what felt like most of my pregnancy – Low. Delivering premature but healthy twins – High/Low. Six weeks being separated from them in the NICU – Low.

I could go on and on. Today I wanted to tell you about one of my favorite Highs. He is my little Miracle High. Eric and I were told that there is absolutely no way that we could conceive. That is why we went through IVF to conceive Ethan and Ella. I have no doubt that it was indeed a fact. As I said this is a Miracle High.

Here is an excerpt from my family blog in 2008:

Ah I woke up just like the day before. I had no idea that this morning would change all our lives so much! Eric was getting ready for work and I was in bed watching Sports Center (his choice not mine). I remembered that I needed to call in a prescription that day. Before I could get it, I had to take a pregnancy test. My cycle was running way too long and I needed to get on progesterone to get me back on track. I always thought this was a funny thing for me of all people to have to do. I mean we know I can’t get pregnant. On top of that, I went back on birth control after I had Ethan and Ella. I simply was taking it for convenience sake. Eric and I often laughed about all the money we wasted on all those birth control pills early in our marriage. So off I went to pee on my little stick. Unloaded the dishwasher, sat down and watched TV for a minute. Should I get the kids up? Oh no wait….better go check the test and get that out of the way.

I walked into the guest bath and looked at the test on the sink. Double take…..was that TWO lines? Huh? I must be seeing things. I heard Eric say something, so I threw the hand towel over the test and jumped back in bed. Eric said, “Why do you look so weird?” I was still in shock so I said, “just tired.” He went back to the closet to finish getting dressed and I ran back to the bathroom for a second look. Yes. Definitely 2 lines. How did this happen??? I mean I know how it happens for most, but not us! We were told that we couldn’t get pregnant on our own. Holy cow. Eric’s birthday was the next day. Boy could I have fun with this!!! I ran upstairs to get the babies up and whispered my secret in their tiny ears. I am pretty sure they smiled.

Thankfully Eric left shortly after that. (I was told later that I was in MAJOR trouble for letting him go to work because he would have called in sick. Whoops 🙂 I quickly called my mom, my sister, and Kristen. Kristen, my personal OB nurse, reassured me that the home tests were pretty accurate. Even so I had my mom come over so I could get an official blood test at the doctor’s office. I still didn’t believe it. I went and looked at the home test again. Still 2 lines! When I called the doctor’s office to get the test they acted like I was crazy. “Mrs. Greer, we usually don’t do blood tests if you have a positive home test.” I replied, “I know, but I don’t believe it. When can I come in?” I went in immediately, got my blood drawn, and paid to have the results to me stat.

All day I was avoiding calls from Eric and his sister, Amy. How in the world could I play this one off? I couldn’t even sit down I was so excited! I finally got the “official positive” test results from the doctor. Hallelujah! Praise God!! I checked the home test one more time and finally threw it in the trash.

Now how in the world would I give Eric the total shock of his lifetime??? The way we found out we were pregnant with Ethan and Ella was so impersonal. We called into a voicemail box and listened to a stranger tell us the good news. Not that we minded one bit. We were finally pregnant!!

I decided I would get the kids Big Brother and Big Sister T shirts, take their pictures in it, frame it, and give it to Eric for his birthday. Well I am not sure how many of you have tried to get a 16-month old kid to stand still so you can get a good picture of them. Now throw in a second child. It isn’t possible. Just take it from me. So I decided the next best thing was to just wrap up the shirts and let Eric open those.

We waited on pins and needles until Eric got home. Of course since we were anxiously awaiting him, he didn’t get home until after 7. After the kids bath, Eric read them a story and they just had to give their Daddy an early birthday present. He didn’t know it, but I was recording the whole thing : )

I turned the camera off right after I told him so we could all snuggle. There were lots of happy tears all around. I was told later that Eric was thinking “Why in the world did she give me some shirts for the kids for my birthday?” Apparently what I thought was pretty plain isn’t plain to a man.

That is one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite movies when I was little. Why don’t they make movies like that anymore? Bill Murray plays Phil, who must relive the same day over and over. There are several times in my life where I felt like I was smack dab in the middle of “Groundhog Day.” In fact, when I was reading back through my book, Full Heart Empty Womb, I had to take that analogy out because I used it more than once!

My most meaningful Groundhog Day experience was when I was in the hospital on bed rest pregnant with my twins. I had been through a rough couple of years prior trying to conceive. When I finally was able to conceive through IVF, I had a high-risk pregnancy. I went into pre-term labor that landed me in the hospital on bed rest at only 22 weeks.

For 11 weeks, I felt like I was relieving the same day. I would wake up. Order my breakfast from the cafeteria (blueberry muffin, cheerios, sweet acidophilis milk – which we affectionately called my sweet ass milk ;). Pee. Lay and wait for my breakfast while I watched The Today Show. Pray. Sit Up. HOORAY!! Eat. Lay back down. Wait for my morning nurse to give meds. Drink water. Pee. Nurse comes gives me meds in my IV. Shift to my other side. Drink water. Pee. Finally the doctor comes to round on me. Tells me the same thing as the day before. “Every day we keep them in you, is four days less in the NICU!!” Pray. Then the best 10 minutes of my day – SHOWER!!! Lay. Drink Water. Watch Talk of the Town. Order lunch. Pee. Drink. Shift positions. Sit Up. Hooray!!! Eat. Lay back down. Crap. Gotta pee again. Get hooked up for my daily monitoring. Shift and try to get comfortable with all the cords. Stare at the contraction monitor and wonder why I can’t feel a single contraction. Pray. Shift. Count the flowers on the wallpaper. Drift off to sleep. Wake up when the nurse comes to turn off the monitor. Pee. Drink Water. Pray. Watch “Everybody Loves Raymond” in Spanish because I am that desperate for entertainment. Drink water. Shift. Stare at the clock. Eric is here with supper!!!! Pee. Sit up!! Eat yummy take-out. Lay down. Pee. Choke down chalky Mylanta for heartburn. Watch TV with Eric. Shift. Pray. Watch Eric make his fold out bed next to me like he does every night. Drink water. Pray. Take my Ambien. Pee. And fall into a peaceful sleep.

It was a treat when Eric would bring our dog, Majors, to visit me in the hospital!

Thankfully I was blessed to be able to do that for 11 weeks….or 77 days….or 1,848 hours…or 110,880 minutes. And because I was able to relive that same day over and over and over, my babies not only survived, they thrived.

I usually hear this in the check-out line in Publix. After I have battled my way through every dang aisle with my three children.

Put that back!

Don’t hit your brother!

Don’t hug your sister. That always ends bad.

Stay by me and the cart, so they can pass by.

OUCH!!! You don’t have to be on top of me!

Don’t stop in front of the cart!

OUCH!!! Don’t hit me with the cart!

For Pete’s Sake! Don’t put your mouth on the cart!!!!!!

Although I offer a sweet smile and nod to the little old lady, inside I may be gritting my teeth and spewing a few choice words.

But even deeper down, I know she is right.

Then there has been this week. We had two bursts of snow in Tennessee that has amounted to over 7 inches of snow and 6 out of the last 7 days stranded at home.

Don’t get me wrong; I LOVE snow days…. until I don’t 😉 I loved every minute of it until about hour number 96 of not leaving the house. My kids and I are all social creatures who get to a point where we long to be social with someone who doesn’t share the last name. And the homemaker in me is ready to let Chik Fil A cook a meal and give my dishwasher a break from the two loads a day it has been doing the last week. I just need a day for my sanity and, honestly, theirs too.

I know when my kids are off to college, I will miss it. I may see some sweet neighborhood kids out building a snowman and say to the mother, “Oh you will blink, and they will be all grown up!” They may force a grin with their tired, snow day weary bodies. And I hope I remember. I hope I remember that, although, there are fabulous memories being made, it is a lot of work.

This is what getting three kids ready for a snow day at my house looked like this week:

Run around the house to gather a hodgepodge of snow gear for each kid. Crap! Where is the matching glove!!!

Start to dress first child who promptly turns into a limp noodle – long johns, long sleeve t-shirt, hoodie, socks (help me out child!!), snow pants, gloves (one in each hole!!), coat, and finally 15 minutes later – toboggan.

Repeat with each child.

Start to try to get yourself dressed then….

Child #1 comes in and needs a new pair of gloves, because the other ones make her fingers feel funny.

Start to get dressed then….

Child #2 comes in and asks has played long enough to get Hot Chocolate. NO!!!!

Attempt to go to the bathroom then…

Child #3 comes in and asks if you are ever going to come out…

You finally get your own hodgepodge snow gear on minus your boots and gloves because your daughter is now wearing them.

Repeat at least 3 times a day.

It doesn’t just have to be a snow day. Sometimes just a Tuesday can run you ragged. Last week my husband was working late, so I was putting my three kids to bed by myself. My older two children read to themselves before bed. I was tired after a long day and ready to trim our 30-minute going to bed routine to 20 minutes. I asked my 7 year old, Matthew, if he wanted to read to himself instead of me reading to him before bed. He was SO excited to be a big kid reader. By the time I finished snuggling, chatting, and praying with Ethan and Ella, Matthew’s light was turned off.

I couldn’t help myself as I went back in his room, snuggled a little more, and got a book to read to him.

Because I am going to blink one day, and he will be all grown up.

Relish reading books, snuggles and the snow days. But give yourself a little grace if you need a minute to recharge your batteries because being a mom is hard work.

Last week I wrote about how I was going to CHOOSE to be positive in light of my dad’s cancer diagnosis. Well here it is in action:

Celebrating the small (not so small) stuff:

1. We woke up this morning.
2. We were well enough to attend church and come see Pa Pa (he stayed home to be safe)
3. Pa Pa still feels good 4 days post chemo!!
4. Getting to eat lunch with Mimi and Pa Pa.
5. Good…no awesome…hair days. Maybe we can use my trimmings to make PaPa an Awesome wig. Kinda like JT during the NSync years 󾌴󾌴;)

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About the SLM

Stephanie Greer is The Southern Lady Mama. She is the blessed mama of three children. She shares a humorous look at life as a wife, friend, lady and a mama.
Stephanie is the author of "Full Heart Empty Womb: How I Survived Infertility...Twice." This book chronicles her near ten year battle with Infertility and what she learned through the difficult process.