Saturday, December 31, 2011

Good Morning..Everyone....
Going to be in the 50's today...
But their calling for really colder weather
next week...
Everybody ready for the New Year??

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Time to take my leave......

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As in many homes on New Year's Day, Lesley and Mark, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the New Year's lunch.Hoping to keep the peace Mark ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.Some minutes later, Lesley looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Mark.She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was.Mark told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0'See?' Lesley said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.

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Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

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A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'."

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A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to reception, she hammers on the bell. ?Yes,? says the receptionist irritably. ?Excuse me,? says the woman, ?but I?m in a frightful hurry, could you check me out, please?? The clerk stares at her, looks her up and down.?Not bad,? he smiles, ?not bad at all.?

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A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.

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Wanna lifetime membership?I'm opening a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50...

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How Computer Changed Our Life - Virus was considered a flu. - Mouse was an animal wife’s were afraid off. - Hard Drive was a road trip in which we had hard times. - Cut was done with Knife and Paste was done with a Glue. - Apple and Blackberry were fruits with nutritional value. - Keyboard was a Piano and was for entertainment and not work. - Web was spider’s home and we needed to remove it every 14 days. - Window was a hole in the wall of a room for ventilation purposes.

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A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30. One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading."Darn it woman!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"

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Today's Thought;

Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind.- John F. Kennedy

Rae's Trivia....

The pigments in leaves (carotenoids) which are responsible for the fall colors are actually present in the leaves all during the growing season of spring and summer. The colors are eclipsed by the green chlorophyll. Toward the end of summer, chlorophyll production stops and the colors of the carotenoids (yellow, orange, red, purple, etc.) become visible. Different trees turn different colors, e.g. sugar maple and sumac turn flame red and orange; popular, birch, tulip trees, and willows turn yellow.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Morning...not a good morning...
I have posted these pictures 3 times..
and they disappeared twice already...
Been trying to post for an hour and a half....
Last try for today.....
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The birthday study......It is proven that the celebration of birthdays is healthy.Statistics show that those people who celebrate the most birthdays become the oldest.

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A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married.

Of course, they dated about once a week for the past sixty years,

but he was so timid he just never got around to

suggesting marriage much less living together. But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone, "June." "Yes, this is June." "Will you marry me?" "Of course I will! Who's this?"

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A man and woman are at their 10 year reunion......The man trying desperately to impress the woman says to the woman "You know, when we were in high school, most of the other guys likedall the pretty girls, but I always liked you"

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Now this is a wise man.....A co-worker returned after lunch carrying a dress from thecleaners. "Pretty," said one of the guys. "Big date tonight?""I picked it up for a friend," she replied, adding, "Do you reallythink I could fit in a tiny thing like this?"Jerry smiled and said, "Do you really think I've lived this longby answering questions like that?"

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Doc: I've got some more good news and bad news....Patient: Give me the good news. Doctor: They're going to name a disease after you.

Doc: I've got some good news and some bad news....Patient: What's the bad news? Doctor: I'm gonna have to amputate both your legs. Patient: Oh my god! Well what's the good news? Doctor: The lady in the next bed wants to buy your slippers...

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking!!' The doctor calmly responded, "Now settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

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The Internet is so wonderful.I started using it just a few years ago and since then, so many incredible, beautiful things happened to me!I got ripped, enlarged my wewe, bought cheap quality Viagra, a new Rolex and met hordes of gorgeous young horny women from around the neighborhood.Now I have to pay for everything, but that's OK - just have to wait for the call from my new Nigerian friends and collect my jackpot. Boy, the internet is full of nice, honest wonderful people!

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Todays Thought:

"Life is not complex.

We are complex.

Life is simple, and the simple thing is the right thing." - Oscar Wilde

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Good Morning... Readers...
Partly sunny in the morning...
then becoming mostly cloudy.
Highs in the upper
40s.
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Yesterdays Sunrise.....

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,“Thou shall not kill.”

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Electric cars are silent by deaf ignition.

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On New Year's Eve, Ann stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.As the clock struck - the bartender was almost crushed to death.

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One R-ville restaurant advertises:"Our beef is so tender, we don't know how that cow could walk."

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The restaurant customer had been waitinga very longtime for his dinner when the waiter walked over and said, "Sir, we'll have your fish ready in just a few more minutes." The customer says, "Maybe I can help, if you'll tell me whatbait you're using."

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Chuck Norris and Superman once fought on a betThe loser had to wear a leotard and put his underwear on the outside.

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Ponder these: Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? A: It becomes wet. Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? A. No time at all it is already built..How many ears has Captain Kirk got? Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.

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Todays Thought:

When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it. - Henry Ford

Rae's Trivia.....

Hurricane-generated waves frequently toss tons of fish onto beaches. The eyes of many of the fish have popped out because of sudden changes in pressure.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Good Morning...
Today we're having Sunny weather...
Highs in the mid 40s.
West winds 15 to 20 mph with gusts up to 40 mph.
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Parsimony: when someone cheats at golf and then

bribes a priest for forgiveness.

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You might be a redneck if...On stag night, you take a real deer.You use a 55 Chevy as a guest house.Your back porch is bigger than your house.There is more oil in your cap than in your car.You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.Your secret family recipe is illegal.

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Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack!

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You're At A Lame New Year's Eve Party if-1. To give it a Times Square feel, everyone is groped, fondled and pick-pocketed.. 2. The 'Party Hats' look suspiciously like stolen traffic cones.. 3. There's a "Happy 1995" sticker on the packete of shrimp you've been eating all night.. 4. It's January 6th.. 5. Prison regulations require lights out at 10:00 pm.. 6. The guests have decided to start the midnight countdown at 10,000.. 7. At midnight everyone gathers around to watch your Uncle Earl's pants drop.. 8. You hear a guy doing a count down before using the bathroom.. 9. The 'Champagne' tastes suspiciously like apple juice mixed with Alka Seltzer..

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yo momma so fatshe has a tattoo of hulk hogan on her butt cheek..... a life size one.

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Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about. So Max told the Doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently. The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds." "That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it." "Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease." "What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Max. "That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."

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One evening a preschooler and her parents were sitting on the couch chatting. She turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss of the house, right?" Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the boss of the house." The little girl added "'Cause Mommy put you in charge, huh, Daddy?"

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I need to remember Not to wear a red shirt the next time I go shopping at target. So many people bugged me that I forgot what I went in there for. However, I did manage to sell three computers and a flat screen TV.

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What is the difference between a person buying a lottery ticket and a man arguing with his wife? The ticket buyer has some chance of winning!

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Todays Thought;

The universe is a pretty big space. It's bigger than anything anyone has ever dreamed of before. So, if it's just us, seems like an awful waste of space, right? - Carl Sagan

Rae's Trivia.....

Long ago, when chickens were wild, roosters crowed so loudly to attract a mate that they were in danger of being pounced onby a predator. To avoid being seen, they began to do most of their crowing when the light was dim - early morning and late afternoon. Today roosters still crow most at those two times.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Good Morning, Everyone....
Rain...mainly in the afternoon.
Highs in the mid 40s.
Chance of rain near 100 percent.

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I ate too much Christmas dinner...I wish I had this much gas in my car.

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One snowy Saturday, Jerry was having a coffee with his friend Matt, a city bus driver. "What's new at transit, Matt?" "I got a commendation the other day." "Congratulations. What did you do?" Jerry asked. "Well, Tuesday, just after the start of my first run of the day, a drunk got on the bus and fell asleep. After watching people avoid the seats near the drunk for one and a half loops of my run, I finally took the man and dragged him off the bus." Jerry was shocked! "You got a commendation for throwing a poor drunk off the bus, into a snow bank?" "No, no," Matt replied. "On my next run, I noticed the drunk was STILL lying in the snow. I dragged him back into the warmth of the bus. "Someone saw me do that and phoned it in."

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A heavy woman walked into a clothing storeand said "I'd like to see a swimsuit in my size." The clerks said, "So would I."

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Year after year Bubba's wife pleaded with him to take her fishing but he kept telling her she would not enjoy it. She, finally wore him down, he consented, and early one morning they took off to the lake.They had not been there very long when the fish began biting. Almost as fast as they cast, a fish would bite, and they reeled it in. After catching their limit, Bubba said, "Martha, sweet thang, I'm sorry. You've been good luck and I'm gonna bring you with me the next time. If you'll mark the spot where we caught all these fish, we'll go home."On the way home, Bubba turned to Martha and said, "Sweet thang, how did you mark the spot where all the fish are so next time I'll know?" "Bubba darlin', I put a big X on the side of the boat right down closest to the water.""Sweet thang, that's about the dumbest thing I ever seen you do. Don't you know that won't work? We may not get the same boat the next time!"

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Anyone who starts a sentence "With all due respect..." is about to insult you.

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In 2010 a 67 year-old Wisconsin man made headlines after he became so upset that he shot his TV. ....... Why? Because Bristol Palin had advanced to the finals on Dancing with the Stars, and he didn't think she deserved to.

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Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

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A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.He steps up to the bar, sets the monkey on the bar,slides the peanut bowl over to the monkey, then orders a beer. While the man is drinking his beer, the monkey takes a peanut,hulls it,looks at it, sticks it up his butt, then eats the peanut. the brtender sees this and tells the man,"Hey! Get that nasty animal outa my bar.""What nasty animal?" The man replies. "That monkey"says the bartender,"He's hulling those peanuts ,sticking them up his butt, then eating them.""Oh, He's not being nasty ..... He's being cautious.""How do you figure that?" ask the bartender. "Well you see," explained the man,"my monkey used to be a gluttion. Then one day a woman gave him a peach, and after passing that pit,now he makes sure it fits before he eats it"

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Todays Thought:

"Three Rules of Work: Out of clutter find simplicity; from discord find harmony; in the middle of difficulty lies opportunity. - Albert Einstein

Rae's Trivia......

Thresholds have historically held significant symbolic value, and a vampire cannot cross a threshold unless invited. The connection between thresholds and vampires seems to be a concept of complicity or allowance. Once a commitment is made to allow evil, evil can re-enter at any time.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Good Morning, friends....
I hope everyone had a great Christmas....
Now we gotta work on having a great
New Year...
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A fellow who was quite obviously under the influence of liquor was trying desperately to catch a subway train back to his suburban home. Three times, however, he got on the wrong train. Each time he was told that he would have to take a different train.When he boarded the fourth train, he slumped down in a seat beside a clergyman -- whose eyes, ears and nose told him this new passenger had been a boozer cruiser due to drinking too much.He told our besotted friend, "Brother, may I tell you that you are traveling the rough and rocky road to damnation and Hell!"The drunk replied, "My God! Don't tell me I'm on the wrong train again!"

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I once had a job crushing coke and sprite cans. It was soda pressing....

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What does the starship enterprise and tiolet paper have in common? They both circle around uranus and wipe out klingons.

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill out his schedule. The only one available was Wildlife Zoology. After one week the professor gave the class a test. He passed out a sheet of paper divided into squares.In each square was a carefully drawn picture of some bird legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs. The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs. The student sat and stared at the test and got more and more angry. Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever taken." The teacher looked up and said, "Young man, you have flunked this test....... What is your name?" The student pulled up his pant-legs and showed the professor his legs and replied, "You tell me!"

Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels into the ball park. The game is really exciting and they are enjoying themselves immensely...mixing the Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go. Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base? Think! Answer: It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded!

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There is no problem so great that it can not be made worse with a little Federal involvement.

On the first day of university, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules."The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."He continued "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season ticket?"

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While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay, I looked from his muddy boots to my newly-scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down some newspapers for you.""That's all right, Lady," he responded..... "I'm already trained."

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Todays Thought;

You can teach a student a lesson for a day; but if you can teach him to learn by creating curiosity, he will continue the learning process as long as he lives.

Rae's Trivia....

If laid out in a straight line, the average adult’s blood vessels would be nearly 60,000 miles long...enough to circle Earth 2 times. The heart pumps blood through this labyrinth and back again once every minute.

A redneck checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, “You’ve given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?” T The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd. Have you looked for the door?” The redneck says, ” Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom. There’s a second door that goes into the closet. And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”

A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, “Hey, bud, this is my car!” “OK,” the man says, “You take the front and I`ll take the back.”

The coming New Year, 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication. The other involves a groundhog.

Clint Eastwood once had a special security system installed in his Jeep. The alarm would issue a warning to would-be intruders: "Go ahead," it said. "Make my day"

Picasso once visited a cabinet-maker to commission a wardrobe for his chateau in France.He quickly drew a sketch to show the desired shape and dimensions, then handed it to the craftsman. "How much will it cost?" Picasso asked. "Nothing," the cabinet-maker replied..... "Just sign the sketch."

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

I bought a book on procrastination ButI have not started reading it yet.

If you meet some idiot who can't pour water out of a bucket,.... Just tell them that the directions are on the bottom.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Good "Christmas Eve" Morning....
Are you ready...? The age old question...
Anyway today;
Mostly sunny.
Highs in the mid 40s.

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Yesterdays Sunrise.....

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Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because

"The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

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Hanukkah Songs That Never Quite Caught On:

- Oy to the World
- Schlepping through a Winter Wonderland
- Hava Negilah - The Megamix
- Bubbie Yetta Got Run Over by a Reindeer
- Enough with those Gosh Darn Jingle Bells Already...Sheez!
- Matzo Man (by the Lower East Side Village People)
- I Have a Little Dreidel (the Barking Dog Version)
- Come on Baby, Light My Menorah
- Deck the Halls with Balls of Matzos
- Silent Night? I Should Be So Lucky

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A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out,
"Don't take a step further."
She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she
would have otherwise been.
She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the
voice calls out again.
"Don't take a step further."
She stops and a car skids past.
Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel,
and I will warn you before something bad happens to you.
Now do you have any questions to ask me?"
Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

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A bought a faulty bamboo toboggan from a panda.

The panda ripped me off....... Now I feel bamboosled.

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A medieval astrologer prophesied to a king that his favorite mistress

would soon die.
Sure enough, the woman died a short time later.
The king was outraged at the astrologer, certain that his prophecy
had brought about the woman's death.
He summoned the astrologer and gave him this command:
"Prophet, tell me when you will die!"
The astrologer realized that the king was planning to kill him,
immediately, no matter what answer he gave.
So he said, finally, "I do not know when I will die.
I only know that whenever I die, you will die three days later."

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A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to

have a baby.
One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband
rushed her to the hospital.
He held her hand as she went through a trying birth.
In the end, there were two little baby boys.
The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said,
"All right, who's the other father?"

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I tried to go Christmas shopping last year, but I didnt have no money.

I just went window-shopping with a brick.

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Kansas City, Missouri, where our

unidentified bozo wanted to pull off a carjacking.
It was his method that was questionable.
He jumped on the hood of a car, pointed a gun at the woman behind
the wheel and ordered her to drive...... And drive she did.
Straight to a nearby police station -- where she crashed the car
through a garage door. Our bozo, uninjured in the crash, was quickly
placed under arrest.

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Bought this really nice tree from a guy last night.

It already had lights and everything on it.
The guy sold it to me for $20,
I got a little suspicious tho,
1st thing he said was, You're not a cop are you??

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My dog kept chasing people on a bike

So we took his bike away.
Then he just sat in the yard and barked all day.
So we gave him his bike back.
Because his bark was worse than his bike.

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Todays Thought;

Don't send funny greeting cards on birthdays or at Christmas. Save them for funerals when their cheery effect is needed. - P. J. O'Rourke

Rae's Trivia...

Cancer is any of a group of more than 100 related diseases characterized by the uncontrolled multiplication of abnormal cells in the body.