Another government shambles. There's a new one every day. This time they've lost Henry I. Sir Tony Baldry, the MP who represents the Church Commissioners, spoke to the Commons about the bones of Richard III. MPs have been fighting over who gets the mortal remains recently discovered under a car park in Leicester, if they prove to belong to the late king. (How do the scientists decide? I know the skeleton is hunchbacked, and there are axe wounds to the head, but have they found a crown with a few hairs stuck to it for the crucial DNA test?)

As various MPs suggested that Richard should be interred in their constitutency (if it is him, he is likely to wind up under Leicester Cathedral), Sir Tony said in a baffled sort of way that he had been worried about how many other kings have vanished, "but the only one who is still missing is Henry I, who seems to have got lost somewhere in Reading."

Can't this lot get anything right? Losing your growth targets is one thing; losing a king, and in Reading of all places, quite another. Or take the badger cull, now postponed till next year. At least. The environment secretary, Owen Paterson, was assailed by all sides over this U-turn. He coped by shouting very loud. We had to "bear down on wildlife". He meant "bear down on the disease in wildlife," but that's not what he said.

Indeed, he seemed to be distracted throughout. MPs pointed out that bovine TB might be reduced by 23% in the area of the cull, but around the cull – no doubt where badgers scarper when things get too hot at home – the figures were up by 28%.

I got the impression Mr Paterson had been poorly briefed, possibly by a senior civil servant who doesn't much like him. Or who had a secret passion for the outgoing minister, Caroline Spelman. The new secretary of state even looks a bit like Jim Hacker, as played by Paul Eddington in Yes, Minister. Like Hacker he tends to get flustered. Several times he confused bellowing with logical argument.

I had a rumination about how the chaps in Whitehall might handle their new man. Take the Defra campaign for "ugly vegetables". They want to persuade people that veggies don't have to be perfectly shaped; if people were willing to eat peculiar looking food they might save a lot of money. A junior minister, David Heath, declared "ugly veg is still tasty veg!"

The scene is in the Defra office. Sir Humphrey is holding up a bulgy celeriac. "Take this one, minister. It resembles a pregnant octopus. Perfect for our campaign, I think."

Bernard chips in. "We've had a call from Esther Rantzen. She's sending over a parsnip with a dangly bit that looks rather like a willy. Makes our point rather well."

"Yes, minister," says Sir Humphrey, as smooth as black velvet, "if you hold up this carrot up to the light at this angle, you might see Jimmy Savile's face."

Paterson: "Aaargh!"

No wonder Labour's Kerry McCarthy tweeted that she had seen him storm out of the Chamber, saying: "I can't stand any more of this!"

• This article was amended on 26 October 2012 because the original described Kerry McCarthy as male. This has been corrected.