May 2009

When Laurie David’s on the west coast, she lives in huge energy-sucking home high in the hills above Santa Monica. When she’s on the east coast, she lives in Martha’s Vineyard.

Martha’s Vineyard is also where her hypocrisy is current residing.

According to the New York Post, David, the executive producer of Al Gore’s global-warming documentary “An Inconvenient Truth,” was busted and fined $900 by the Chilmark Conservation Commission.

David was cited for violating the Wetlands Protection Act during the construction of a tennis court on her sprawling Chilmark property, when workers installed boards and stones to construct a path to the court.

But David — who spent weeks on the road with Sheryl Crow in 2007 during their Stop Global Warming College Tour — let her contractor, Bart Thorpe, take the fall for the violations. “She’s obviously a very busy person, and she trusted the contractor,” Thorpe told the Gazette. “I inadvertently made a mistake. It’s something she had no knowledge of . . . It’s a minor thing.”

Maybe it wouldn’t be such a major deal on the Vineyard if the supposed eco-obsessed celebrity hadn’t been cited for the exact same violation four years ago. In 2005, David constructed a stone fire pit, a barbecue area and a children’s theater stage in a wetlands area without a permit.

You can’t make this stuff up. If her ex-husband wrote it into a sitcom, you wouldn’t believe it.

What’s going on in Seattle? Bad behavior is running rampant in the Northwest People’s Republic libraries.

In just the first four months of 2009, security personnel have already tossed out 432 library patrons for offenses like assault, drug dealing, intoxication and lewd conduct.

Looking back at conduct violations reports from last year, security booted 113 patrons for being disruptive, 42 more for fighting or assault, another 75 for “making threats,” and an additional 34 for lewd conduct.

American Indian Public Charter School has a better idea: make student achievement a priority now.

Shocker number two: This report on Oakland’s incredibly successful American Indian Public Charter School comes from the ultra liberal Los Angeles Times:

Not many schools in California recruit teachers with language like this: “We are looking for hard working people who believe in free market capitalism…Multi-cultural specialists, ultra liberal zealots, and college-tainted oppression liberators need not apply.”

That, it turns out, is just the beginning of the ways in which American Indian Public Charter and its two sibling schools spit in the eye of mainstream education. These small, no-frills, independent public schools in the hardscrabble flats of Oakland sometimes seem like creations of television’s “Colbert Report.” They mock liberal orthodoxy with such zeal that it can seem like a parody.

School administrators take pride in their record of frequently firing teachers they consider to be underperforming. Unions are embraced with the same warmth accorded “self-esteem experts, panhandlers, drug dealers and those snapping turtles who refuse to put forth their best effort,” to quote the school’s website…

Among the thousands of public schools in California, only four middle schools and three high schools score higher. None of them serve mostly underprivileged children.

At American Indian, the largest ethnic group is Asian, followed by Latinos and African Americans. Some of the schools’ critics contend that high-scoring Asian Americans are driving the high test scores, but blacks and Latinos do roughly as well — in fact, better on some tests…

The short answer is that American Indian attracts academically motivated students, relentlessly (and unapologetically) teaches to the test, wrings more seat time out of every school day, hires smart young teachers, demands near-perfect attendance, piles on the homework, refuses to promote struggling students to the next grade, and keeps discipline so tight that there are no distractions or disruptions. Summer school is required.

Back to basics, squared

We’re not sure what gives us more pleasure: the success of the school or the turmoil it must cause over at the California teachers union headquarters.

What, you may ask, does this story have to do with the media? Well, you’ll just have to read all the way to the end of this item to find out.

Here’s how MSBNC reports the story:

Typically, sufferers of the nerve condition include construction workers or police officers with heavy, low-slung belts, pregnant women or obese people; it also can result from a pulled-tight seat belt in a car accident.

But over the last several years, experts say they’ve been seeing more young women at a healthy weight complain of symptoms. The culprit: too-tight jeans.

“The nerve, in some people, is susceptible to compression,” says Dr. John England, a New Orleans neurologist and a member of the American Academy of Neurology. The femoral cutaneous nerve, he explains, runs from the outside of the pelvis and through the thigh. “It is a pure sensory nerve — it doesn’t go to muscles or provide strength. Anything that is tight around there could potentially compress the nerve that goes there.”

Odd, isn’t it, that the network home of Chris “Obama Sent A Thrill Up My Leg” Matthews should also issue a report on “Tingling Thigh Syndrome?”

We are highly-trained physiologists here at IHateTheMedia.com. And our research suggests that the thrill that went up Matthews’ leg may have been caused by tight pants, not by President Obama’s stirring oratory.

If we could just get the guy to loosen his pants, he might end up switching parties.

Harry Reid called in reinforcements at his fundraiser Wednesday night in Las Vegas.

Here’s how the Huffington Post described the event:

“So, yesterday, the first big political fundraiser of the year was held here at Caesars Palace to kick off Reid’s reelection campaign. Bette Midler, Sheryl Crow, Rita Rudner and Clint Holmes entertained. But the big draw was President Obama.”

Sounds fabulous. Nevadans must have turned out in droves to see President Obama and all those world class entertainers. Tickets must have been hard to come by.

Or maybe not. Here’s the next paragraph from HuffPo:

“At any rate, the fundraiser was a great success. (Even though a limited number of tickets were given away by a business called House Seats that is utilized by local venues to ensure a full house.)”

To repeat, they had to give tickets away because they couldn’t sell ’em. An empty room would given visual evidence of Reid’s shaky grasp on power.

The Las Vegas Review-Journal quotes a Republican on Reid:

“‘Frankly, it speaks to the Democrat Leader’s deep unpopularity at home that he is already calling in reinforcements from Washington to help boost his sagging approval numbers in Nevada,’ Brian Walsh, a spokesman for the National Republican Senatorial Committee, said in an e-mailed statement Tuesday. ‘Once again tonight, Harry Reid is simply reminding Nevadans that he’s more in touch with the Democrats in Washington than with the voters in his state.'”

It may be true that Harry Reid is completely devoid of personality and popularity. But in his defense, we don’t think Jesus Christ could draw a full house in Vegas if Midler and Crowe were his opening acts.

After a pregnant pause, Representative Anthony Weiner has officially pulled out of the New York City mayoralty race.

“He is out for sure,” an elected official confirmed.

And size does matter, at least when it comes to a candidate’s campaign funds. Weiner said the primary reason for getting out of the race is the size of Mayor Bloomberg’s war chest.

“In this case, a sports analogy is apt: If one football team has 110 players on the field, the team with 11 has a hard time getting through the blocking and tackling on the crowded turf,” Weiner lamented.

We hope someone puts together one of those celebrity insult dinners for this guy, just so we can run a headline that says, “Weiner roast big success.”

It’s too bad no one watches MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow anymore. She just plain went off on President Barack Obama Thursday night. If it weren’t so painful watching Maddow’s tortured delivery, we would say it was a joy to watch.

Believe it or not, she actually finds President Bush’s terrorist detention policy preferable to President Obama’s. In fact, she’s absolutely appalled by Obama’s plan.

“How can a president speak with the kind of poetry that President Obama does about the rule of law and call for the power to indefinitely preventatively imprison people because they might commit crimes in the future? How can those two things co-exist in the same man? Even in the same speech?

She concluded:

“…You could get arrested today and locked up without a trial, without being convicted, without being sentenced for, say, ten years, until the threat of your future criminal behavior passes. Prolonged detention he’s calling it. This was a beautiful speech from President Obama today. Patriotic, moving, even poetic language about the rule of law and the Constitution. And one of the most radical proposals for defying the Constitution that we have ever heard made to the American people.”

Relax, Rachel. This plan is much more likely to be used against Janet Napolitano’s right wing extremists than any actual terrorists. Which means readers of IHateTheMedia.com have a lot more to worry about than Abu Hussein Abu bin-Abu al-Abu does.

Have you ever noticed that Colin Powell never smiles? Or that Republicans never smile when they discuss Colin Powell?

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell wants everyone to know that he’s still a Republican. Especially Rush Limbaugh and former Vice President Dick Cheney. “Rush will not get his wish, and Mr. Cheney was misinformed; I am still a Republican,” Mr. Powell said on CBS’ “Face the Nation” Sunday.

Cheney and Limbaugh can be forgiven for mistaking Powell for a liberal Democrat since he endorsed Barack Obama over his “friend” John McCain last year.

“I have always felt that the Republican Party should be more inclusive than it generally has been over the years,” said Mr. Powell on “Face the Nation”. Somehow Powell found McCain inclusive enough to campaign for in 2000, but not in 2008.

Remember, it was one of those not-inclusive-enough Republican administrations that appointed Powell as the first black Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Then later as the first African American Secretary of State. But never mind.

Now Powell is saying, “The Republican Party has to take a hard look at itself and decide what kind of party are we.” So what kind of party does Powell think it is?

“We are the party committed to lessening the burden of taxes, cutting government regulations and reducing government spending, all for the purpose of generating the higher economic growth that will bring better jobs, wages and living standards to all our people.”

Whoops. Hold on. That was the 1996 Powell. Here’s the new, more inclusive 2009 Powell: “Americans are looking for more government in their life, not less.”

Obviously Powell is just as committed to the values of the Republican party as Arlen Specter is. Or was.

Don’t you hate it when Islamist extremists threaten your life? Especially when they do it by mistake?

That’s what happened to radio talk show host Rusty Humphries. He was the target of a fatwah issued on a vile blog called “The Jew Report.” Unfortunately, the genius jihadists confused Rusty Humphries with Rusty Shackleford, a pseudonym used by the author of My Pet JAWA Report, a website that exposes online support of Islamic terrorists.

The threat, which included a photo of Humphries, said: “Yes this Fat descusting (sic) pig you are looking at is the boss of the website Jawareport.com but their are many fat kafirs like him you might ask why are we talking about him here’s why.”

“The Shaabab and muslim Leaders have said enough is enough he has to go and they dont mean move….Inshallah we will see his Fat rottan (sic) torso dumped in the side of the road or in some Florida swamp.”

In other news, the same Muslim extremists hage declared a fatwah on spelling and grammar.

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi beginning a press conference in which he promised to resign if caught lying about allegations of an improper relationship with a teenager. They say Italians talk with their hands, but this is a bit too illustrative.

Consider the city of San Francisco a microcosm of what’s happening in the rest of California. A bankrupt microcosm.

As you’d expect, it’s doomed by its own socialist spending spree, the cost of providing education, medical and jail facilities to illegal aliens, and a bloated bureaucracy.

But the salaries it’s paying city employees are absolutely insane. In 2007, the city had more than 8000 employees who “earned” more than $100,000 per year. Here’s a list of the city’s twenty highest-paid public employees:

$350,324 for a Special Nurse. $325,452 for the General Manager of the Municipal Railway. $270,171 for a Captain in the Fire Department. It’s insane.

How can a nurse make $350,324? In a word, overtime. Here’s how Special Nurse Christian Kitchin’s income broke down:

Not so fast. Turns out Denmark’s windmill miracle is more hot air than hot news. When the recalcitrant winds refuse to blow, the country draws its power from Sweden, Germany and Norway.

Uh-oh. Sweden and Germany generate their power with coal and nuclear.

Another uh-oh. Under the Kyoto Protocol, Denmark committed itself to a 29% reduction in green house gasses in the 2008-2012 period. Even with outsourcing their power production to other countries, the country’s 2006 emissions rose 1.7% above its base year emissions.

Of course, as you might expect, Danes pay the highest prices in all of Europe for their power.

This may not be scientific, but it looks like the only way this wind power thing is going to work is if Al Gore puckers up and blows.

Over the lips, through the gums, watch out hypocrisy, here it comes. Amen.

This is one of the most worst stories we’ve ever read. Really. One of the worst.

“Union leaders, clergy and liberal members of Congress gathered in the mostly empty U.S. Capitol Visitors Center early Tuesday morning,” according to CNSnews.com, “to hear multicultural choir music, speeches from religious leaders–and to pray for the passage of the Employee Free Choice Act. The prayer breakfast was sponsored by Faith Leaders for Workplace Fairness–a coalition of liberal religious groups that was formed for the sole purpose of promoting the ‘card-check’ bill.”

Yes. You read that right. These people prayed for the end of the secret ballot in union elections.

Why stop there, you slackers? Why not pray for the end of democracy? Pray that Jimmy Carter will fly in to monitor all future American elections. Pray that Obama takes over every industry he hasn’t yet taken over. Pray that Joe Biden becomes intelligent.

U.S. House Speaker and dim bulb Nancy Pelosi is visiting China. Rumor has it that she made the sudden trip only after getting a fortune cookie that said, “Chinese reporters don’t ask you about waterboarding.”

While speaking at Tsinghua University, Pelosi tried to link human rights and environmental justice and confused those who speak English just as badly as she confused those who speak Chinese.

“I do see this opportunity for climate change to be … a game-changer,” she declared. “It’s a place where human rights — looking out for the needs of the poor in terms of climate change and healthy environment — are a human right.”

She then turned to the president of the university and asked for an order of fried rice, orange peel chicken and pot stickers.

Would someone at the L.A. Times, San Francisco Chronicle or Sacramento Bee please explain how it’s possible for San Diego County to run up a $700 million surplus while the state of California is running up a $45 billion deficit?

These esteemed newspapers seem to think the only solution to the state’s legislature-induced suicide is more taxes, higher taxes, and really creative taxes.

Perhaps they should watch as Dianne Jacob, Chairman of the San Diego County Board of Supervisors, explains that California has a spending problem, not a revenue problem.

“The Goode Family” premiered last night on ABC-TV. It was created by politically-incorrect Mike Judge, who also created King of the Hill and Beavis and Butt-head. Most reviews (including our entire staff) agree it was funnier than hell. Here are the top 10 lines we heard.

1. “We can’t shop there. They don’t even have a mission statement.”

2. Ubuntu: “Sorry I used so much gas, dad.” Dad: “That’s okay. The important thing is you feel guilty about it.”

As you can see in this video, a group of students has launched a hunger strike to protest Governor Schwartzenegger’s budget cuts. This seems short sighted, considering the fact that UC Santa Cruz has a well-deserved reputation as the marijuana capital of California.

Democrats have a nasty habit of passing bills they don’t read, like the Stimulus boondoggle. In this instance, Henry Waxman (D-CA), Energy & Commerce Chairman and author of the National Energy Tax, is unclear on what’s actually in his own bill. But never mind that. Democrats voted it out of committee anyway, 33-25.

In this video, Waxman is questioned by Ranking Republican Member Joe Barton (R-TX) when he admits to ignorance of his own handiwork: “I certainly don’t claim to know everything that’s in this bill…I don’t know the details…”

Totaling over 930 pages, this bill is quite the packed sausage. If We the People are forced to pay for these things, is it too much to ask that lawmakers who supposedly write them at least be forced to read them?

No reason to be embarrassed anymore, Fido. You're saving the environment.

An Australian company is selling carbon credits to make up for farting pets and people. (We agonized over that sentence, but it is what it is).

For just $27, Easy Being Green will sell you enough carbon credits to offset your dog’s annual anal methane production. Making your cat carbon neutral is a bargain at just $6.

And if you’re looking for a special anniversary or birthday gift, imagine how happy your loved one will be knowing that you spent US$16 to offset two years worth of their personal trouser trumpet production.

This is all well and good, but as highly-trained environmentalists and marketing geniuses, we think Easy Being Green is missing an obvious business opportunity.

Here’s our idea:

Wind power is intermittent, but dog farts are a constant. We propose erecting a mini-windmill in every Aussie home. Tie each windmill into the power grid. Train all Aussie dogs to fart into the windmills. The windmills spin. Power is generated free of charge. Oil imports are slashed. The economy booms. Australia becomes an ecological role model for the rest of the world.