BS IRISH TOASTS:• “May your codpiece always be a size too small.”
• “May you never have to hear that caterwauling lass from the Cranberries ever screech again.”
• “May Samantha Mumba fondle your blarney stones.”
• “May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef & cabbage you had for lunch.”
• “Here’s to getting shille-laid!”
• “Git yer hand off me arse or I’ll rip yer head off and puke down yer throat.”

BS CELEBRITY BUZZ:A ‘Wall of Fans’ (http://walloffans.com/) is being created in Shania Twain‘s hometown of Timmins ON where her diehard fans can have their names engraved — for just 100 bucks (um, are we missing something or does this sound like a rip-off?) . . . Word is trouble-prone Princess Stephanie of Monaco has now run off with a circus owner, breaking up his 20-year marriage (her life is a 3-ring circus — engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering) . . . Jason Priestley , who recently wrecked his Porsche and served a 5-day sentence for drunk driving, has been added to ABC-TV’s “Indy 500″ broadcast team . . . Dr Dre is trying to persuade Eminem to sample songs from ‘70s TV show “The Partridge Family” on his next album, including the teeny-bop mega-hit “I Think I Love You” . . . The 35 money-losing “Playboy Clubs” worldwide were closed down in the ’80s, but word is Hugh Hefner is quietly finalizing deals to open new ones in Las Vegas and London THIS YEAR.

TODAY’S MOVIE OPENINGS:Jude Law and Joseph Fiennes in “Enemy at the Gates”, a historical drama about a Russian sniper during World War II and the German sent to kill him . . . The action drama “Exit Wounds” stars Steven Seagal (is he still around?) as a tough cop in an inner-city precinct who discovers a web of dirty cops and corruption (ex-con DMX has a supporting role).

WEIRD WORLD OF BS:• For the first time since 1840, the British Post Office will begin issuing stamps with pictures of something other than royalty. (They’re planning ahead for when King Charles’ ears won’t fit in a 1-inch square.)
• A Kenyan man who lost his mobile phone called the number from his land line and his dog’s stomach started ringing. Seems his German Shepherd swallowed it! Both ‘Snoopy’ and phone are doing fine following a retrieval operation. (The owner has warned his pooch if it happens again he’ll hit the pound key.)
• Dozens of witnesses told Russian police they watched 4 men stuff a cow — into a hatchback. The thieves were spotted driving in another part of town with the cow’s head sticking out the window. (And charged with genuine cowhide.)
• With British horse races cancelled by the outbreak of hoof-and-mouth disease, promoters have started hamster racing (how do they get the saddle on?) and bookies are taking wagers on everything from the outcome of TV plots to bets on people’s life spans (like the life span of the Spice Girls without Mel C).
• The first-ever ‘Transvestite Beauty Contest’ has been held in Cambodia. A dancer picked up a tiara and the equivalent of $130 when crowned ‘Most Beautiful Ladyboy’. (The Ricky Martin tour is now scheduled to move on to Singapore.)

BS REASONS TO PARTY . . .TOMORROW is “St Patrick’s Day”, the Irish national holiday that began as a ‘solemn religious observance’ to honor St Patrick (389-461 AD), patron saint of Ireland, bishop and missionary, who purportedly drove the snakes out of Ireland. It’s been an Irish holiday for 1500 years, first celebrated in Canada in 1765 in Quebec City. This year, Dublin’s 4-day St Patrick’s Day festival has been postponed due to the foot-and-mouth outbreak, as have parades all over Ireland. The world’s largest St Patrick’s Parade is in NYC where over a million spectators and 100,000 participants are expected. A tradition since 1762, the 2-mile parade lasts about 6 hours.

AND REMEMBER . . .[Sat] Clean Your Closet Week (that could take a week)
[Sun] Supreme Sacrifice Day (is this going to involve a long diatribe from your parents?)
Humorists Are Artists Month (and this morning’s show is my masterpiece)

BULL’S BITS . . .
ST PATRICK’S QUIZ:
• What do you listen for when tracking a leprechaun? (The sound of his shoemaker’s hammer.)
• What do you get if you kiss the Blarney Stone? (Nope, not foot-and-mouth. You supposedly get the ‘gift of the gab’ or ‘blarney’.)
• What’s the original Irish language called? (Scottish is the language called Gaelic, whereas Irish is actually called ‘Gaeilge’.)
• What invention did 6th century Irish monks call ‘the water of life’? (Irish Whiskey)
• How do you spell whiskey’ in Ireland? (Whiskey in Ireland is spelt with an ‘e’ before the ‘y’. Scottish Whisky [or Scotch] is spelt without the ‘e.’ The same applies to the US vs Canada.)

BS TAG LINE:If you’re lucky enough to be Irish, it’s all the luck you need.