Positives? You’re going out on nights of the week when places aren’t too crowded. Weeknights are your friends because clubs offer 18+ nights to stay busy. Negatives? You’re not 21. Some places won’t let you in at all, which means you’re often regulated to sketchy clubs or Josh’s creepy frat house basement. Charming. And what’re you drinking? Anything you can get your hands on. Class, class, class all the way.

21: Sunday=Monday=Tuesday=Wednesday=Thursday=Friday=Saturday

“Hey there. Hey you. Have you heard of this awesome thing called drinking? Yeah, well, I can do it anywhere now, anytime I want. So that’s what I do.” Sound familiar? That’s because that’s you, dumb-dumb. It’s okay—we were all there at one point. Pretty much, 21 is the great equalizer for partying because everything is new, making you DTD (Down To Drink) any night you damn well please.

22: Friday, Saturday, Thursday, Wednesday, Tuesday, Monday, Sunday

Oh, Sunday. How 22-year-olds hate you. I mean, really hate you. Hate you like an app that turns sideways when you lay down. There’s simply no going out on Sundays—all they do is bring you hangovers and homework. Except instead of doing homework, you’re thinking how the hell Woody Harrelson gets all those hot girls on True Detective. He’s a cop, sure, but he’s not that good-looking, is he? And isn’t he in bumblefuck Louisiana? How’d all the perfect 10s end up in bumblefuck Louisiana? Stupid Sundays.

23: Friday, Saturday, Thursday, Wednesday, Tuesday, Monday, Sunday

Oh hey, Sunday. Still sucking ass, huh? Good for you. You’re as tough as last week’s bagel, but Monday’s gaining on you. Monday is now the start of the workweek, and it’s quickly becoming the bane of your existence. Still, there’s always Friday. Friday’s your elixir. By Friday, you can’t wait to get out of your work clothes and into a bar, drinkin’ wine and feelin’ fine. And hey, sometimes you can’t wait until Friday—but that’s why God invented Thirsty Thursday, amiright?

24: Friday, Saturday, Thursday, Wednesday, Tuesday, Sunday, Monday

These days, Monday wrecks you. See, you’re still partying like you’re in college, but there are no longer days when you don’t have class to sleep in, so Mondays become tougher than a woodpecker’s lips. Instead, there’s your alarm every day at 7 (effing) AM. You’re welcome. Still, Friday and Saturday have you flying high, so you got that goin’ for you…which is nice.

25: Friday, Saturday, Thursday, Wednesday, Monday, Sunday, Tuesday

And just like that, Mondays experience a bit of a renaissance. At first, it’s brought on by everyone’s collective hate of The-Day-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named, and a kind of camaraderie builds at work. What’s the next step? Going to the bar for a drink in defiance. With Friday and Saturday as your rock, and with Monday sucking less, things are looking up.

26: Friday, Saturday, Thursday, Wednesday, Monday, Sunday, Tuesday

If Mondays experienced a renaissance at 25, Tuesdays send you back to the Middle Ages at 26. If you’re thinking of going out on a Tuesday at 26, don’t. I knew a guy who used to call, shall we say, *less* attractive girls “Tuesday Nighters” because that’s the night they have to wait for to be asked out. Why? Because something better is going on every other night. Do less, bro. Do way less.

27: Saturday, Friday, Thursday, Wednesday, Monday, Sunday, Tuesday

You catch the ol’ switcheroo there? Uh huh, Saturday took Friday’s spot atop the food chain. That’s because as you get up there in age, legend has it, it becomes harder and harder to go out on Fridays. You’re just too tired. Is it your fault the recliner in front of the TV is so damn comfortable? Yes. Yes it is. Ask yourself this: Are you a partier, or aren’t you? If you are, get the hell out of that chair! Friday’s a big night too. You can’t be a NASCAR driver and be scared of traffic. Get out there.

28: Saturday, Friday, Thursday, Wednesday, Monday, Sunday, Tuesday

Sadly, my pump-up speech fell on deaf ears. If I’m lucky, your 27 year-old self might have thrown together a potluck dinner with friends, but that’s it. By 28, your Friday night inner struggle between Going Out and Staying In is a one-sided battle, and Staying In has all the weapons. It’s sort of like competing with a dog for a girl’s affection—there’s the doggie door, bro. Thanks for playing.

29: Saturday, Friday, Thursday, Wednesday, Monday, Tuesday, Sunday

Look at you, man. You used to be someone. You used to go places. Now? You struggle to go out at all, even Saturday night. Let’s be serious—you don’t go out on Saturdays anymore because it’s fun, you go out because you’d feel too guilty not to. Because if you didn’t, if you stayed in, that would mean you stayed in every single night of the week. And your conscience won’t allow that. 29 year-old you, I want to root for you. I really do. But when you’re only going out to party out of guilt? It feels like I’m rooting for the Washington Generals—no matter what you do, you’re a loser. Why is Sunday suddenly the worst day to go out? Because you’re so damn responsible now; you can’t go out! You have to stay in and prepare for the workweek. Gag.