Questions “Nightline” Should Ask Jesse James

Published May 20, 2010 at 10:32 AM | Updated at 2:43 PM EDT on May 30, 2012

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Tiger Woods has already gone through his damage control cycle: giving press conferences and controlled interviews and finally returning to applause on the golf course. His life is a shambles, of course. But America is pretty much done with his story. Now glorified mechanic and Sandra Bullock ex-husband Jesse James gets to start his own spin cycle. It started with a written public apology (just like Tiger!), and now James is moving on to a televised interview with Vicky Mabry over at “Nightline.” Lynette Rice over at Entertainment Weekly has all them juicy deets:

Nightline scored the first interview with Jesse James since the break-up of his marriage to actress Sandra Bullock. In the installment airing Tuesday May 25, James talks to Vicki Mabrey about the split and why he went to rehab. He’s also expected to address the role he’ll play in the raising of Louis, the baby boy Bullock recently adopted. James issued a public apology after Bullock spoke to People (magazine).

James’ predicament s a little more difficult than Tiger’s because Tiger, all along, had golf to salvage his reputation. He’s a worldwide sports icon. James is a dude who builds stuff on basic cable. There aren’t a lot of people right now who are saying, “The best way James can fix his public image is by doing what he does best: Turning a dishwasher into a miniminivan.” Most people (women, especially) will always consider him a random dirtbag who lucked into Sandra Bullock and threw it all away. Oh, and that Nazi photo from US Weekly wasn’t a big help, either.

There’s little James can do to salvage his public reputation, because he didn’t have much of one until just now. That’s why I suggest that Mabry use the thirty minutes she has with James to ask him the most entertaining questions humanly possible. Such as:

-Could you please cry on camera? Right now? America will only accept you if you’re groveling.

-Are you sexually rehabilitated? What if I were to bring out these three Suicide Girls for you? Still not tempted?

-America would like Sandra to have full custody of your kid. Please sign these papers.

-Why a Nazi mistress? Why not a Satanist?

-Don’t you think other men are extremely annoyed at you and Tiger Woods for making wives all round the world assume their husbands are lying, cheating dogs? YOU’RE RUINING IT FOR EVERYONE, YOU IDIOT.

Stuff like that. Interview airs Tuesday. Prepare yourself for a very mild case of redemption.