5 More Reasons Your Cocktail Waitress Hates You

Regarding the guy who decided to use his credit card rather than cash at the last minute. “You may not know this, but I already paid the bar — in cash — for your drink. See, I’m allotted money at the beginning of the night with which I buy drinks from the bar, getting reimbursed by you. But I can’t tell you that because then I look like the difficult one. You just wasted five minutes of my life, asshole.

Eh, that never happened when I was a cocktail waitress (a sexy pirate cocktail waitress with an eyepatch). But fortunately, I have a list of things that did happen! Wow, this is like time travelling back into the days where I always stank of spilt scotch and lived off bar food. Suffice to say, these things made me hate customers, so maybe you should stop doing them when you go into bars.

1) Use your big boy words. When I say “do you want a drink?” You have to say something. It can be “yes”. It can be “no.” It can be “I like monkeys because I’m an underwater sea leopard.” (The last one means, “no”.) I don’t care what you say. Just don’t roll your eyes into the back of your skull in some sort of elaborate code. All it does it make me think that you’re having a seizure, and I will refer to you as Julius Caesar for the rest of the evening. You won’t get it. No one will get it. I hate you.

2) Tip me, jerkface. Especially if you think I did a good job. I don’t need you to tell me I’m pretty. I don’t need you to tell me I’m too smart to be a cocktail waitress. Your compliments do not help me or Marilyn Monroe at the automat. I do need you to tip me. A dollar a drink is standard.And when you pass me a fistful of nickels as you would a homeless person? I hate you.

3) Do not attempt to haggle with me. It’s New York. The drinks do not cost what they cost in Podunk. Do I think $5 for a jello shot is outrageous? Yes, I do! But then, I do not know why you are eating alcoholic jello to begin with. Did they run out of all the real drinks in the entire world? Whatever. No matter how many times you exclaim that you could get 17 of these for 25 cents in Bumblefuck, the price will not change. And I will hate you.

4) Do not assume I’m an idiot. If you repeat your drink order to me, slowly, with ellipsis in your voice, more than three times, I will get it wrong, just to spite you. Because I hate you.

5) Do not sexually harass me, fucktard. That guy who used to think it was really funny to raise his fingers up in a V for Victory sign to his mouth and waggle his tongue back and forth? It took him about a month to realize that I was always spilling drinks on him deliberately. Because I hated him.

As a former sexy schoolgirl waitress, Agreed! On all counts! And I’m a little jealous that you got to wear an eyepatch.

mcavity

wear one anyway.. =)

Kat

You need both eyes to correctly assess depth perception. It makes job harder (not to spill drinks, place them, etc.)

If you’re wearing an eye patch, you get tipped extra. For the effort.

Jordan

400lb+ bouncers and megaphones help a great deal with points 2-5. i know this from my days of dancing atop a bar in cutoffs, cowboy boots and a bikini top (oh, jeez).

Jennifer Wright

Wait – Coyote Ugly or Hogs ‘n’ Heifers?

Fuck You

Don’t work in the public sector if you don’t like dealing with assholes. Don’t bitch about it, either–it’s better than being unemployed, you self-righteous bitch.

Patrick M

Wow, you sound like a self-entitled ass. Please die, preferably in a fire.

Roger

Public sector? Like a cocktail waitress for the government?

Ermott

Please do us all a favor and get a different job. You sound like the sort of cretin that ought never to have such a job in the first place. “5″ is the only one I agree with. Nobody ought be harassed. Just make sure you don’t troll for tips dressed as a hooker, because it tends to bring out the worst in people who have had a few.

Why is it that the service industry so consistently attracts the people least suited to it?! Go be a dishwasher, or a window washer or a something, ANYTHING else.

Jen

Well, most of us ARE suited for the job when we start. But years of being subjected to the sort of behavior that most people engage in when dealing with someone being paid to provide a service for them will quickly, QUICKLY make anyone unsuited to it.

Dylan

So I’m to take away from this that me, the customer, needs to bend to you, the SERVICE WORKER, or I will be hated and/or be given the wrong drink?

Jennifer Wright

Yup. But that’s obvious, right? And the needs really just amount to “don’t be an asshole”. So, duh.

Dylan

It’s not my job to not be an ass hole. It’s your job to serve drinks. And let’s be serious here, you are a COCKTAIL WAITRESS. You signed on knowing full well exactly what you were getting yourself into. You sound like a soldier complaining the other side is shooting at him.

Jennifer Wright

You’ll still get drinks. You’ll just be hated. I don’t see how one has anything to do with the other. Your cocktail waitress probably isn’t going to do anything to even indicate that she hates you because she’s being paid. She just will.

Patrick M

You don’t need to bend, you just need to be respectful. You know, like you should be anyways. Or is that too hard?

water00boy

6) Perhaps if waitressing is so anxiety provoking, you might consider another line of work; say, ditch digging? Many waitresses flirt in order to improve their tips. We’ll remember not to reciprocate in your case (fucktard).

idiot babysitter

I work in the service industry, and ALL you people suck!! I am just doing a job, babysitting you jerks so you can have a decent time out, and you treat me like your retarded sister. If you had to deal with the s**t I have to, you would be just as upset as I am.

Brandon

If you hated it THAT much, you’d find another line of work.

Michael C.

You’ll get tipped IF you give good service, not “especially.” I’m guessing with your shitty attitude, you don’t get very good tips. Whiny cunt.

Patrick M

What a witty response. May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your nethers.

Kat

And your sir are a misogynistic pig. Oooups sorry, Nope, not a pig. It is not fair to ask pigs to compare to you.

Patrick M -> I am stealing your quote :) Trolls beware

Brian

Lucky for me I don’t care what my waitress *thinks*, only what she *does* and how well/poorly she does it. I imagine it’s much the same for the wiatress, as ti should be.

RaisinCain

Spell much Brian? Wiatress, Ti? Idiot. If you’re going to comment at least have the decency to spell correctly. Ti would not appreciate the reference.

Mario

I mostly agree with you and having worked in food services when I was younger I believe the jerks who make stupid remarks like the ones above prove your points. I bet most have never worked in any service jobs and like most people are asses.
You get what you give. If you act like an ass you are one.

benjitek

You kinda sorta want your server, food or cocktail, to like you. Regardless of how you feel about the topic, it’s the way it is. If one staff member dislikes you, they all do — word spreads quickly. Your drinks will be much weaker than the norm… Your soup will be mostly broth as it’s ladled into your bowl… You’ll have to ask for more dressing for your salad, and wait (and you won’t be finished with your salad when your guests entrees arrive)… There won’t be nearly enough butter for the bread in your basket, and, you’ll wait a while for more, if only your water glass had something in it to help you swallow that mouthful of butterless bread… Your medium-well steak will be bleeding on the plate, and, you guessed it, you’ll wait a while while it’s cooked as you requested it. Coffee and dessert? Don’t drink that to fast, refills won’t be happening as quickly as you’d like and a teaspoon of hot fudge on that sundae will have to do; if you want more, just ask — it’ll go great on melted ice cream.

If you’re a jerk, we’ve written off the tip and our goal is not to have you back…

shimrod

Wow – im glad most of the civilised world doesnt tip – sounds like you americans need to review this practice

Andrew Martens

I’m amazed by the commenters who seem to think that they’re entitled to treat service workers poorly. Guess what? The world works much better when you treat other people – regardless of their profession / ethnicity / religion / etc – exactly how you would like to be treated.

Don’t pull that ‘well they shouldn’t be a service worker’ crap, either. Try rewriting those 5 annoying behaviours as though they are being done by your boss at the office (or whatever your ideal of a ‘real job’ is). Do they seem stupid and unreasonable? Then why would you subject service workers to that kind of behaviour?

I’m surprised at the number of assholes who can’t read. Seems that some of them missed that this was a discussion about the past as this line seems to point out-”that never happened when I was a cocktail waitress “. Maybe your post just hit too close to home for a few of the fucktards.

porkchop

At anyone who thinks bitchy waitresses need to find a new line of work: Sometimes, waiting tables is one of the few job options available. You probably recall this fact from “Reservoir Dogs.” Waiting tables requires attentiveness and efficiency, not an insatiable appetite for abuse.

At men breaking out the C word because their cocktail waitress was only PRETENDING they were cute: You made it clear that you’ll pay us for acting like we want to sit on your lap. For us, that’s a strict commercial transaction. Secretly hating you does not mean that we aren’t worthy to serve drinks.

Marissa

I have been a waitress for the past seven years (through high school, college and weekends to supplement my entry level salary), and I have seen it all. Yes there are the occasional patrons who respect you, understand that they can’t have everything immediately when you’re also waiting on 13 other tables, and realize that when the kitchen messes something up I wasn’t the one who cooked the food.

Like this article discusses, however, there are many people that feel when they are out to eat they deserve to completely disrespect their servers. If someone showed up at any other woman’s job, asking if they could go home with them at the end of the night, would anyone find that acceptable? The answer is no. You don’t have to be overly nice to your server, and you should complain when you get terrible service because when you go out to eat and are paying for your food, you deserve to have what you want. But if a server is doing a great job, you should tip and not hit on them. They are there to do a job, and without your tip, they are probably earning little more than $3 an hour.

I just don’t understand why some customer’s feel that any one in a service role is a lower form of human life.

Emily

Well said. I waited for tables for years to get myself through college and then afterwards when the economy tanked. I took this article as a vent session; meant to be humorous and not necessarily taken 100% seriously. I’m somewhat shocked at the outrage and insult taken by so many of the readers. After a shift (or two if you’re working a double) of dealing with rude and ungrateful customer anyone would get pissy, just as any business person would probably be irritated after a hard day. I think what to take from this article is simply to respect your server.

ilold

It’s not my fault your employer only pays you 3 dollars an hour.

I am only paying the advertised price of the drink on the menu. If you hate me for not tipping you I don’t care, your goal in life is to bring me a drink for money.

I want you to hate me so much that you quit your job.

Brandon

Well said, sir!

BG

Well you cheap elitist piece of dung. Hows about this tough guy: Tell the waitress or waiter that before you order or are you a gutless coward too?

Rubyred763

Actually, my goal in life is to pay my way through college so I never have to serve an asshole like you again.

I hope you end up with a miserable life and die a slow, painful death, alone.

Venus in Furs

I sense from the outrage provoked by this opinion piece that a lot of you out there are cheap, classless rubes. If you can’t afford to tip, you can’t afford to go out. It is usual and customary in America to tip the wait staff. Failure to do so is indicative of low breeding. The only excuse for not tipping is bad service, in which case, you should also complain to the manager. I do not work in the food service industry, but I am sensible enough to know that you don’t fuck with the people who prepare and serve your food.

Some Asshat

I worked as both a waiter and a bartender for quite a number of years. I loved my job, and while it was a lot of work, and we all have bad days, your job is to represent the business you work for.

I agree, there are a lot of idiots. Nobody likes to be under appreciated, and nothing is clearer than NOT receiving a tip, especially if you know you did well. Let’s go through your points (really, your attitude) point by point:

1) Use your big boy words. When I say “do you want a drink?” You have to say something.

Yeah, if this is a problem, maybe you should speak a little louder. Maybe you see two people involved in an intense conversation, and expect to be the center of attention just because YOU have 13 other tables and walk up in a hurry. Remember, these are guests. They don’t really care that you have a lot going on. Don’t take it so personally.

2) Tip me, jerkface. …. I do need you to tip me. A dollar a drink is standard.And when you pass me a fistful of nickels as you would a homeless person? I hate you.

Wow. What you need to do is provide excellent service. Seems like barring none, you’re one of the employees who, at a yearly review, scores herself as a 100% across the board. YOU never screw up. Any problems or delays or poor service is OBVIOUSLY the result of a different customer. If you aren’t controlling and managing your tables correctly, this happens. Then you need to step up your habits, learn how to invest in tables and be more understanding if someone needs more time deciding on their initial drink. I have to decide if I want beer, wine or liquor drinks for the evening. You storming up to me and demanding my order, expecting me to have my order ready as if I pondered this decision for you in the cab on the way over is stupid. Let me take a moment and decide already.

I’m going to guess a few people said, “No thanks” and left, just because of this approach.

When I served OR tended, this “a dollar is the standard” is nonsense. I made it my goal for people to make their own standard per drink, and it was sure a hell of a lot higher than a f***ing DOLLAR. I would work so that my service was worth 2, or 3 dollars per drink if I possibly could. I laughed at dumb jokes, grinned when I was ribbed, had mock “arguments” with a waitress who knew we were joking, and flipped bottles for people who wanted to see that. For almost ten years. And it worked splendidly. Your attitude is the wrong side of the scale.

Jerkface.

3) Do not attempt to haggle with me. It’s New York. And I will hate you.

Funny. In almost 10 years, nobody tried to haggle. They either paid, or they didn’t. I had no problem telling people, “No, that’s the price. _______ (cheaper place acorss the street) is cheaper if you want more liquor for less money. Here, you get me and my sarcastic humor and quick wit. If all you want is a drink, go to the liquor store”. And said it with a smile. Sounds like you’re uncomfortable in telling people how it is – without hating them more.

4) Do not assume I’m an idiot. If you repeat your drink order to me, slowly, with ellipsis in your voice, more than three times, I will get it wrong, just to spite you. Because I hate you.

This is odd. “Don’t assume I’m an idiot” coming from someone who says condescending stuff like, “Use your big boy words” in the same article. That’s awfully telling that you enjoy stepping on your customers, but expect them to meet your standards. Again, as backwards as it can be.

The only time I ever got treated like an idiot was because I didn’t get it right the first time, and that in itself is pretty idiotic. Taking responsibility doesn’t seem to be your strong points here. If you repeated your order at my bar because you were drunk and a little obnoxious, then I understood that you were drunk and obnoxious, and still did the classy thing by treating you with respect, or joking with you, or repeating it back to you a fourth time “so that we were both soberly clear” and that this order “was as clear as beer goggles” or something that breaks the ice. Making people laugh or easing tension – seemingly absent from your “I hate you rants” – is a diversion concept that went way over your head, didn’t it?

5) Do not sexually harass me, fucktard. It took him about a month to realize that I was always spilling drinks on him deliberately. Because I hated him.

And I agree. Nobody deserves that, and I’ve dived over the bar a few times to defend my waitresses. However, again, you failed to do the responsible thing and have the person escorted out. If your place of work allows that, and surely they don’t, then you had other avenues to go, or you just put up with it. As your bartender, I’d have sent him packing But also, I wouldn’t have served drinks that you spill on the same guy, and I wouldn’t laugh at their demise or share your stupid childish inside joke. I’d have asked you to take a break or notified a manager or pulled your eye-patch and let it snap back on you (okay, not the last one), because you’re giving poor service, and being incredibly immature. 13 other tables watched you spill a drink and think you’re a rookie with your little game. And you still think those other tables are being cheap when they tip based on the fact that you look like a beginner, or are nervous that you have the inability to hold a glass of liquor without spilling it on them. If I saw you spill a drink twice on a guy where I was drinking, I would try to find a new waitress. If I couldn’t do it inconspicuously, I’d have worried that you’d spill on me, and tip you nothing for my fear. And find a bar where waitresses can carry a FREAKING GLASS on a TRAY, because that’s an expectation when I go to a bar. When you show you can’t, you make me nervous and take away from my experience.

That said, having spent time IN the service industry, I’m a huge tipper, even for “just okay” service becuase I know it’s hard out there for people who DO try hard, even though you found it more appropriate to disdain your customer base. But reading your crap-sensical article from your arrogant, “I hate you” point of view, regular patrons would now be LESS likely to tip their server if they even HINT that their server has some deep-seeded class-warfare hatred for customers who “don’t dance when you shake your booty”. Hell, I feel like stiffing my next waitress that gives me a glimpse of “I might hate you, let’s see…”, and I’ve “been there, done that”. I can’t believe I’m thinking that. I’ve never thought that.

But then, I’ve never worked with you, either.

Hint, dummy, and I’m glad you’re out of the industry. Hell, I’m glad I’m out of the industry after reading this: Being a waitress isn’t about getting your expected income just because “a dollar bill” rather than “a person” comes through the door. It’s about raising the expectation of a patron’s experience and encouraging them to tip MORE than the standard 10, 15 or 20% that “loser” servers “expect” – and rarely receive. So why should you get paid? Because you were amazing. Or at least really good.

Not just because you have a delusion of “a dollar a drink”. If it’s a shitty drink, I’m not sending you back. I’ll go to the bartender myself and get it fixed. It’s obviously too difficult for you. Or him. But I’ll get to the bottom of it, close out my tab, and sit where my drinks are right.

People who write, or say, or complain about tripe like this are the ones who couldn’t cut it, and moved on to write on websites about putting Wii on your Registry and putting shoulder pads on bras.

But this is the sad part:

Obviously years later, you still fail to understand that people tip based on the experience they have. Your judgmental hesitation to provide that service “because this…” and “because that…” shows that you still failed to see why your attitude uncovered the asshole in people you served… who ARE assholes. I won them over, and got paid. You torked them off and mocked them.

Let’s Review. According to you:
1. Customer has to know what they want
2. Use your “big boy words” and this smacks of “my customer is an idiot”
3. Tip me
4. Don’t assume *I* (author) am an idiot (see #2)
topped off with the only valid point:
5. Don’t harass me.

I can see why you have such anger.

Really! A fistful of nickels throws off your whole night that you remember it years later? You have the wrong stuff for customer service. Cause if that’s all it takes, I’d hate to be your next table. And by hate, I mean, get up and leave without paying after telling the manager why I’m not paying, and with you standing there hearing it directly from me. And not when I sense it, but after I finish my experience or I’ve just had enough crap from your horrible attitude.

It’s clear. It’s because you don’t trust me. I’m a dollar bill a drink to you, or else I’m a piece of crap to you. Not a valued customer, not a personality, not even a human. And because you hate me so easily. You don’t even know me. I’m not your boyfriend, and I’m not going to take your shit, and I don’t care what you think the going rate is.

I tip based on the service. If you serve me 5 drinks, and you don’t smile, don’t at least ask how I am, or show any enthusiasm for my presence as a patron, you didn’t serve me a drink, you carried a glass to me and gave me attitude. My experience was worse with your “service” cause you’re such a money grubbing sour grape.

I screwed up a lot over the years too. A lot, especially when I first started. But when I got a nickel as a tip, I realized that the problem was not “all the assholes”, the problem was ME and how I dealt with something, and if I didn’t change something, that’s what I might expect all night.

You held it in for years, and then rant about it childishly on a website.

I had a hell of a lot of fun, even with assholes. I’d ask if you knew why we both did essentially the same job and came out with such different experiences, but I’m afraid I’d still end up taking responsibility, and the world is just full of assholes that seemed to find their way to your tables, and have the audacity to call you pretty or compliment you without giving you a hundred dollar bill for your awesomeness.

some other ahole

This is spot on. Everyone in every job has to deal with people that make life difficult but you are in the service business and your pay is a measure of the service you provide. The more you internalize these negative experiences the more your service will suffer even if you aren’t aware of it and eventually you end up like the OP – with a sense of entitlement that ignores the premise of your position.

You are the customer facing side of the business. Don’t want to be complimented on your looks by a bunch of drunk people at a bar? Don’t work there. If you’re going to work there, then why not maximize your tips by focusing on what you can do to avoid pitfalls instead of ranting about it like the world owes you something for the incredibly difficult job of carrying drinks on a tray. It’s not a particularly hard industry to get into, but as OP suggests it is a particularly hard industry to thrive in.

Regardless of whatever your experience is with past customers in the world of sales, service, or anything customer facing you have to realize that while you may have done this same dance a million times over, the customer is experiencing it with you for the first time. To the extent that you can figure that out and why it’s important you can be successful.

Otherwise you might just be that bitch nobody tips well.

porkchop

no way. That can’t be real. I only had the pleasure of one year working in food service, but my much more experienced coworkers were able to boil down success in waiting tables to basically this:

1. Don’t let your customers see you unless you are about to do something for them

2. Heartily endorse expensive menu items

3. Confide to customers which menu items to avoid.

Actually winning people over through kindness — that sounds like too much work ;)

Lauren

Wow, these comments are cracking me up. I guess some people are sensitive, but I’m pretty sure that this article is a humorous hyperbole based on fact. Anyone who has ever had to deal with customer service in anyway knows that you get the customers who are jerks about everything before you even say hello to them. I think that’s who she was writing about. Not every customer she ever had. No need to get so bent out of shape over a funny article people! And clearly she is a writer now, and great one in fact that entertains me throughout my day, so she isn’t currently a cocktail waitress, some of you seemed to miss that point.

Wayne

You want a buck to walk to the bar, repeat my order, bring it back to me, and set it on the table without spilling it in my lap? The bartender didn’t get that much for making the damn thing, and he’s got to know how to make the concoction. Your particular skill set was perfected by the time you were 6, and any other justification is likely due to genetics or a good plastic surgeon. If it’s that much of a problem for you, I’ll walk over there and get it myself. Half the time, I do, anyway, because you’re flirting with the oompa-loompa colored guido, or out chain smoking.

Outside of the bar, likely you wouldn’t even give me the time of day. ‘Scuse me if I check you out. I know your smile is as fake as your tan, and you’d rather be flirting with the orange guido at the bar than spending 30 seconds standing at my table, but I spend my life in a server farm, and it will take a minute to remember you “don’t date outside your species.”

Dump a drink on me? I hope you’re closing, because I know a dozen ways to make your closing time an absolute hell. “Sweetie” is intended to be a genuine compliment, despite what your room mate double majoring in french lit and women’s studies says.

Yeah, I’m paying with a credit card. I’m not going downtown with wads of cash in my pocket, and I just found that they make drinks in new york out of stuff more expensive than printer ink. The number I write down on the check depends on how much you contributed to my (rare) night out. Somewhere between me staring at an empty glass for 15 minutes, and asking me if I’m ready for another one before the glass is even half empty is a happy medium. If you’re too much of a pain, I’ll abandon my table and go sit at the bar.

I suspect that the real reason you hate people paying with a credit card is that you have to declare your tips and pay taxes on them. Tough. You should see what my taxes are like. Maybe sometime we can talk about how you can amortize your investment at the plastic surgeon’s, or if tanning is wear and tear, maintenance, consumables, or utilities.

When I ask for a glass of ice water, yeah, I’ll happily tip you a buck for it, but not for a highball glass, 20 minutes later, with an ice chip floating in it.

Yep, drinks in new yawk are freaking expensive, especially when compared to, well, anywhere else on the planet. I get it that you live in the center of the civilized universe, and anyone who’s area code isn’t 212 is an inbred, uncultured hick. Still, allow us people who are stuck traveling to NYC on business, (or stupid enough to let our spouses sell us on the idea that NYC is a tourist destination), a brief moment of freak-out when we don’t get change back from a $20 for two well drinks.

T

Wow! so that last cocktail waitress you tipped well blew you off? such anger!

Lou

who cares if you hate me? I most likely hate you too

Joe

Wayne is a typical IT guy. Angry and defensive. Nothing to see here.

Kris

Tips are not, and should not be mandatory. You receive tips for exemplary service. Expecting a tip is clearly, in my opinion, a reason to not leave a tip at all. I have left tips of 50% to servers whom I felt deserved it. You, however, would most likely receive much less. Enjoy the Penny. You clearly have the wrong attitude to be working in this industry.

Rubyred763

Excuse me? If you live in the United States, you should know that most waitresses make about $2.13 an hour, before taxes are taken out of their paycheck. Servers make basically no money if they are not tipped. How am I supposed to pay my way through college on less that two dollars an hour? And why would you only leave tips for half of or less than half of the servers who deserved it? You’re a cheap asshole. I feel sorry for anyone who has ever had the misfortune of serving you.

Ashley

I think that there’s a difference between “respecting your waitress” and “making sure your waitress’s experience is as pleasant as possible.” Yes, please excuse me if I happen to hesitate over my first drink order. If that means I’m going to get crappy service for the rest of the night, I’ll just leave now.

I worked as a waitress for awhile. This means that I ALWAYS tip because I really don’t like the people who say “it’s not my job to pay the employees.” Well it’s not their fault either. However, I got a different job because I realized that I was not the kind of person who could remain polite and upbeat even when confronted with rude, disrespectful people. I know jobs are scarce, but if you hate it that much, quit.

LewdaKris

This article is freaking funny!!! Entertaining for anyone in the service industry!! I really don’t think it’s meant to be taken literally, lighten up people!!!

LewdaKris

Funny!!! Lighten up people!!

Jennessa

I am a cocktail waitress in a small town in Arizona. I don’t make money off of anyone who appears to have lots of it. I usually get tips from middle to lower class people who know what it’s like to work hard and hussle to make a living. I appreciate everyone out there who is trying to make an honest living. If there weren’t cocktail waitresses, the rich ass holes from the city visiting my beautiful town would be pissed because they have to wait in line at the bar to get a drink. Word of advice… if you are too cheap to tip your servers or bartenders stay home.