Browse Arts & Culture

Taking the pain out of a big problem

Q: I'm a 24-year-old male with a 28-year-old girlfriend. We've been together for a year and I love her with all my heart. We get along, she makes me laugh, and she even plays video games with me. How awesome is that?

But our sex life is less than great. I know there are guys out there who will hate me for saying this, but the problem is my cock. It's too big. I'm 6-foot-3-inches, and she's a foot shorter. I love oral sex, but she can't perform it on me, as it hurts her mouth and jaw. I've tried to work with her to find a solution, but she gets too embarrassed and has basically given up trying. Also, if we have vaginal intercourse for more than 15 minutes she's almost too sore to walk the next day. She is extremely shy in all sexual matters. Is there any way we can reach something good for both of us? Absolutely Wants Oral Loving

P.S. Thanks a million, and keep up the good work. Also, I'm from Pennsylvania and I'm not voting for douche bag. You know who I mean.

A: I don't normally answer questions from guys complaining about their big dicks. It's not that a big dick can't be problematic. It's just that any time I run a letter from a guy complaining about his big dick, AWOL, guys with tiny dicks start CC'ing me on their suicide notes. It's depressing.

But I'm making an exception for you, AWOL, because running your letter gives me one last chance to implore the people of Pennsylvania to get out there and vote Rick Santorum out of office on Tuesday, Nov. 7. The eyes of the nation are upon you, Pennsylvania! Don't let us down! Wipe Santorum off the floor of the Senate!

OK, AWOL, your dick isn't the problem here; your girlfriend is. She sounds swell, what with the relating and laughing and video-game playing, but her shyness about sex coupled with her unwillingness  not her inability, but her unwillingness  to communicate with you about sex is the problem. Do you even realize what you're doing, AWOL? You're blaming the victim! I want you to look in the mirror and say this over and over again until you believe it: "My dick didn't do anything wrong. It's not a crime to be big. There are plenty of guys with big dicks out there who fall in love with petite partners, male and female, who by working together as a couple learn to accommodate each other's special features and physical limitations."

And here are two ways to do that ...

Oral sex: By choosing to stay with her, AWOL, you're choosing a future without deep-throating, face-fucking or long, leisurely blowjobs. Take a moment to grieve. But tell yourself you can still have oral sex. Your girlfriend has to be willing to wrap both of her slobbery fists around your shaft and then work just the head of your cock with her mouth, and you have to be willing to regard that as the best blowjob you can reasonably expect, under the circumstances. It may not be full-blown head, AWOL, but it feels damn close.

Vaginal intercourse: Work within that 15-minute time limit, AWOL. Place your cock between the top of her thighs, running from the bottom of her twat, along her taint, and up the crack of her ass. Ask her to clamp her thighs together, then hump her for as long as you like. Be sure to give attention to her clit, AWOL, so there's something in this for her. Then when you're close, go inside for the last 10 minutes.

These accommodations are not only pleasurable, AWOL, but they will also take the buzz-killing pressure off your long-suffering girlfriend. Right now she's on a negative-feedback loop: Every time she blows you or you fuck her, she winds up sore or suffering. Break the link in her mind between sex and discomfort, AWOL, and you'll get your sex life roaring again. Good luck.

Q: A few years ago, I was involved with a guy who revealed himself to be a dangerous person. Let's call him "Ducks." He was a pathological liar. He threw screaming tantrums. He made himself seem so pathetic that most of his friends and I put up with his abuse because we didn't think he would survive on his own. Eventually, we cut off all contact with him.

A year later I received a phone call from Ducks' college roommate. He was concerned about Ducks' treatment of his new girlfriend. He asked me specific questions about Ducks. At first, I was reluctant about getting involved, but after the roommate described Ducks's behavior (lying, screaming, tantrums), I told him that yes, that was "typical" behavior. He asked if it had escalated into something worse. I told him it had. The roommate then put the girlfriend on the phone. She begged me to tell her how much worse. I told her of a specific instance of extreme psychological abuse. She ended her relationship with Ducks, and his roommate kicked him out. He was kicked out of college two weeks later for academic reasons. Now Ducks' family blames me for their son's difficulties, and I feel guilty about saying anything at all.

Should I have let Ducks' girlfriend find out for herself if Ducks was still the same person? Or should someone who has been abused warn the next possible victim? Butting Out Ain't Too Simple

A: Don't feel guilty, BOATS. You didn't go out of your way to persecute or harass Ducks  you didn't create a Web site, you weren't putting up posters with his picture on them, and you didn't seek out his new girlfriend. You answered a direct question about your experiences with Ducks. Period. You were under no obligation to cover for him, and it's past time that Ducks and his family learned that he isn't going to be able to run around abusing and manipulating people forever without suffering the consequences.

Q: Wisconsin needs your help! On Tuesday, Nov. 7, we're voting on an amendment banning gay marriage. As a married, hetero male I'm supposed to feel threatened by gays getting married, but I'm smart enough to realize it doesn't affect me at all. I also realize that I got to marry whomever I wanted, and everyone should have that right. Urge your readers in Wisconsin to vote no on the marriage amendment. Thanks! J In Wisconsin

A: You put it better than I could, JIW. I would add: The amendment in Wisconsin bans gay marriage and civil unions. Vote no.

And to my readers in Colorado, Idaho, South Carolina, Tennessee, Virginia, Arizona and South Dakota: Please vote against the gay-marriage bans in your states too. And in South Dakota, please vote to overturn your state's idiotic abortion ban. And to my readers in Canada: Be glad you don't have to put up with any of this shit.

Q: I had never had an orgasm in my life  despite my own and other people's best efforts  until the age of 18. First hit of crappy weed with a cooperative boyfriend and  bam!  six orgasms in five minutes. When people ask me why I'm pro-legalization I mutter something about bourgeoning prison populations. I do not say that pot saved my sex life. Forever Grateful