1. Put on your stripy woolly hat, the one that makes you resemble Benny from Crossroads. Get on your Vespa and, while singing to Supergrass, hurtle round the kitchen like a kid who's had too much sugar.

2. Turn on the illiterate patter that has made you so popular with the middle classes. "Today I'm bigging up sarnies. I'm talking home-baked Mr Happy Chappie Ciabatta and Signor Pinky Perky Panini, yeah? Or just go to Sainsbury's. Save yerself some wonga, some moolah, some dosh. Some how's your father, have a banana. Simple as."

5. Next: vegetables. "I'm talking cucumbers, toma'ers, spuds. I'm talking apples and pears and a nice cup of Rosie Lee." They're pointless, but show off your chopping skills. Take care not to chop off the end of your tongue.

6. Now some raspberry jam. "Smell that freshness. Nature is so cool. Work it through your fingertips, yeah? Knead it. Feel the brambles and the mud. How do Sainsbury's do it ?"

7. Bosh on the other piece of bread and stuff the sandwich into your fat face, groaning: "That is the dog's bollocks, the top banana, the koala's potatoes."