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Friday, November 15, 2013

When one walks around the Karachi Gymkhana these days he or
she will be hounded by longtime friends (old
farts smelling of strong cheap ittar) who are today strangers that will
take a sudden interest bearing a cheap plastic smile and after asking their
wellbeing will usually ask “Are you Temporary or Permanent?” (membership status that is – BUT in reality
are you that diaper rash I want to deal with or can brush aside to carry on my
duties for the Demi-God (presidential candidate) that I serve whilst stripping
myself of my own dignity by being the biggest schmuck going)

Test this
theory if you are in your mid-thirties / forties f you reply “Temporary” their
smile will drop into a dismayed look but will pop up again into a fake hopeful
smile when they ask you using your last name “____ sahab kaisay hain?” (as in is your old man still alive, and if
so is he sane and able to move around on a stretcher / wheelchair or has an
ambulance where he may be dragged through the gutters to cast that damn vote that
this scoundrel is trying to bag) Should you say that you buried your father
3 years ago and never saw this Johnny at the funeral where the Biryani was free
he will leave you with a big FAH-Q!(shout
the abbreviation out as a single word and you have your answer)

Now the FAH-Q is (oh by the way it stands for Frequently
Asked
Hard Question,
children are reading so come on no profanity please!) “Aap permanent ban na chahian gay!” (emphasis on the word “gay” is duly stressed)
the reason is because this monkey who escaped from the looney bin will now use
what he has as a last resort and that is try to grow a tail on you like he has with
one of the seven deadly sins which is greed
by bartering the cost of a permanent membership against the hopes that his “Pakora,
Samosa or Fruit Chaat” (by the way all
these fried unhealthy desi treats have one thing common in them and that is
Aaloo’s) or whatever group wins the elections of the KG! So now in order to save your hard earned 7 or
8 lacs (I do not know the going rate as
these jokers seem to inflate and deflate it to meet their own needs as and when
they require) to become permanent he will expect you to abandon all forms
of common sense and become a club lobby rat and start soliciting those
community members and trade your professional respect as he himself has done so
for some ridiculous cause you could not care for.

Hanging around the Karachi Gym Khana these days has become a
pain and a nightmare it seems that people are more focused on investing for 30
days to strip the club dry of (forget
money) but the ethos behind what it stood for in the rule book for the next
eleven months. If you have any form of
common sense you will understand that you do not need Quran TV, Hum TV, Geo
Super, or even Star World this is because a simple visit there to the bakery will
leave you with an experience where you will experience more dramatics, satta &
obnoxious hypocritical piety there than anywhere in Pakistan. Maybe if you want to find safe haven you
might go and hang out at the Parliament in Isloo where you will find that Pakistan
will progress faster than the KG because there is a system in all this
organized social chaos you will witness at the club.

I have a feeling that we will be able to resolve the Kashmir
issue with India quicker than rid ourselves of this lot of merry pirates who
every year propose “temporary solutions to a permanent problem which in
actuality is themselves” This year when you vote kindly ask yourselves the
following questions in the following order.

Has the person been in
touch with you as a “Fraand”
throughout the year?

Has the person remembered
you at other times of the year when it did not benefit him in anyway shape
or form?

Is the person asking for
the vote bitching about his opponent to make himself look good?

If he is so then is it
about club issues or the fact that his childs driver is having an affair
with the complainants maasi? (or any
other ridiculous non-relevant matter to the club you can think of)

Lastly is your self-respect
and dignity that cheap that you will settle down for what this clown is
offering in the form of the price tag he is putting on the value of his
friendship with you?

I for one am running around the KG with a big badge saying “FAH-Q am
I Temporary or Permanent?” whoever answers it correctly will get a big lollypop!

Thursday, November 14, 2013

As all we can ever do is produce soaps that
are focused around tribulations and warring factors between the Saas & the
Bahu and all the misdemeanors of horrors of being the middle class our society
has dragged its self and become addicts towards the “Silver Screen Slavery” of
the Indians. Therefore rather than
Jinnah & Iqbal I feel its befitting to quote the late Mahatma Gandhi “If I had an army like the 72 soldiers of Hussain, I would
have won freedom for India in 24 hours.”

As of late our cities are a blaze
by the clerics who have fueled senseless masses with tensions which speak ill
of any and all form of what Islam stands for and rather have ignited Fires
burning those daigs of celebration into the ashes and last rites of the
innocent bystanders and rather than the masses watching religious programs they
are yet once again glued to the news channels where all they hear are wailing
sirens of ambulances as they carry away the dead bodies of those who did not
deserve it.

To all my suicide bomber friends if
you feel that you will get 72 “Virgins” in heaven for such a cowardly act of hurting
another soul you should read our Holy book and try to understand its value before
you bestow a bucketful of tears upon unwilling widow’s, and parentless
children. Thank you for making every mothers
nightmare a reality when she has to bury her own children who unwillingly died
at your hands because you were under the illusion you are getting lucky with 72
of Allah’s finest!

Sadly you illiterate lot forgot
to read the actual meaning of the Quran and it is mentioned below quoted from (Wikipedia)
etc. & multiple sources as well that ironically the 72 virgins you so like to
refer to are the chosen few who are unmatched in “spiritual” beauty just as the
72 of Hussain. They did not die in vein,
they died for a cause and that cause was love not hate. You cannot ever compare yourselves to the number
72 because it is a holy number whether you like it or not (for once don’t look
at my references and google it)

Now I refer to our most beloved
Holy Prophet and what he had to say (P.B.U.H)… * "Hussain is of myself and I am of
Hussain. O' Allah be pleased with those who please Hussain and hate those who
hate Hussain." These holy words
were uttered by the Holy Prophet (P.B.U.H), the one who never speaks of his own
desire but only as inspired to him by the one Mighty in power.

Last but not least *
"Hassan and Hussain are masters of youth in Paradise." Therefore I
justify my analysis that the number 72 is a holy reference and by no means
should it be misconstrued for the satirical facade displayed by those who strap
on RDX and take the lives of unwilling sons and daughters of Islam

When the Noor believed in
peace and all his bloodline direct and indirect believed in the philosophy of “love
shall conquer all” it was understood that a life that was extinguished was an
honored soul going up to join the chosen few.
How on earth can mortal common men with their own preconceived notions
of what Islamic justice means dictate to the masses how to behave in society
and how can be so righteous as to pass judgments in the form of “Fatwa’s” upon
us “Muslims”. Ironically if it is not
the Jews then it’s the west and if not that then some other concoction which
will fuel the masses is set ablaze to dishonor every and anything that our beloved Prophet (P.B.U.H)
and his blood line stood for!

How can a cleric compare
himself equal to the likes of Allah’s chosen one (P.B.U.H) and his favorites
whilst sitting in some cave wielding any form of weapon. It is so sad that these clerics feel that this is
Islamic Monopoly and they all want is a “go to paradise FREE card” yet none of
them wants to pay the cost for going there. (As in you have
to die to go to heaven) Our religion
is one of love and not one that instills fear in children about the “Shaitan”
rather when our Holy Prophet (P.B.U.H) asked people to listen to him they embraced
Islam because he gave them a choice of love and more love, he did so with love
and not fear. So the 72 of Hussain did
the same. They closed their eyes in the
faith of Allah and marched to their eternal happiness and chosen destiny by the
Almighty out of love.

I do not know what Satanic Verses
these cowardly lot read or decipher but I do know the fact that if you read our
Holy Quran it is a perfect way of life and most of all it asks you to embrace
each other with love and respect and to accept those who you cannot stand because
it is his will as told to you by “One” (P.B.U.H) you will never
become equal to. So rather than trying
to ensure your time on earth is politically correct you should spend it here in
living as well as “Dying” by the sword of “Hazrat Ali”

Now as I close do thing of my
reference to the number 72 and if you agree with me then do share what and how
you feel about the situation today! If you
feel anger and hate then turn it into love and embrace the one next to you
forgiving and washing his sins away with the tears of those who had to bury
their loved ones today and half our battles are already won!

The
houri have variously been described as being "restraining their glances
(chaste)",[7][8] "modest
gaze",[4] "wide
and beautiful/lovely eyes",[3][7][9] "like
pearls",[3] "spouse",[10] "companions
of equal age",[2] "splendid",[1] "voluptuous",[11] and
much more besides.

Still
all in accordance with the Quran, the basic fact of the description of this beauty is how
good deeds take the ideal order and proportion to physical forms, how they
won't fade away over time, and how they accompany their performers.[12] This
description is widely used in Sufism and mysticism.[13]

The
houri are mentioned in several places in the Quran, although in plural no
specifics are given as to the number of houries available. Likewise it does not
appear from the Quran that they are only women; both sexes are mentioned
(although their descriptive qualities are feminine, as alluded to, by the hadiths). They are
made available to all believers, not just martyrs.

Thus
shall it be. And We shall pairA them with
companions pure, most beautiful of eye.

And
among His wonders is this: He creates for you mates out of your own kindC so that you
might incline towards them, and He engenders love and tenderness between you:
in this, behold, there are messages indeed for people who think! ... And He it
is who creates [all life] in the first instance, and then brings it forth anew:
and most easy is this for Him, since His is the essence of all that is most
sublime in the heavens and on earth, and He alone is almighty, truly wise.

Allah has promised
the believers, both men and women,D gardens
through which running waters flow, therein to abide, and goodly dwellings in
gardens of perpetual bliss: but Allah's goodly acceptance is the greatest
[bliss of all] -for this, this is the triumph supreme!

As for
anyone - be it man or womanE - who does
righteous deeds, and is a believer withal - him shall We most certainly cause
to live a good life, and most certainly shall We grant unto such as these their
reward in accordance with the best that they ever did.

And, O
our Sustainer, bring them into the gardens of perpetual bliss which Thou hast
promised them, together with the righteous from among their forebears, and
their spouses, and their offspring - for, verily, Thou alone art almighty,
truly wise

The
Islamic traditions (hadith) also mention the houris. The hadith are divided into several types by hadith scholars,
and among them, there are groups that have been poorly documented and
therefore, are not valid as a reference.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Pakistan is a country that has almost as many beggars as it
does fresh graduates. Now we are country
that is thought to be filled with beggars because the begging starts right at
the top. Our elected professionals must
have the following qualities in order to hold any office of choice.

They must possess an
authentic college degree

They must always be
lackeys to the west and irrespective of what they feel must have the
ability to twist all national causes to suit the red white and blue

They must know how to portray
the entire nation after their own political faction as a victim of any
senseless cause they wish to adopt

They must know how to hold
a begging bowl and scream for alms and attention thus claiming they are
the puritans that society has abandoned

In order to do this they
must constantly be in a reactive state of mind rather than proactive
developmental frame

We have always screamed at the west and blamed it for our
issues but sadly we have not done anything to prevent this addiction of
begging. You see we are so addicted to
begging that if you stand at a traffic light you will see that is exactly where
the signals begin. Professionals will
come to you and tug on emotions claiming helplessness and you will hear dire
stories of misfortune from your own staff as to how a relative has managed to die
at least 3 times over a period of a year.

If you think about it your own household staff or office
people never seem to run out of people that are dying but if this is the case
then I question how can we be facing such a huge population explosion and why
aren’t the morticians and gravediggers busy all the time? Also I am quite surprised as to the amount of
relatives that seem to befall upon illness due to some mysterious cause or the
other yet the same sibling seems to be immune enough to struggle through it
whilst working in your home over and over again year after year.

Being an Islamic nation we have our follies and these
problems tend to arise usually around our religious holidays when we are
overtly emotional and only harp one tasbih “zakat”! Maybe it is my bitterness but I do not have
any sisters but sadly have become a mamu many times as have you over the past
year and am tired of that. Also I fail
to understand why we as an educated lot would rather provide money and try to
buy our way into heaven when all we need to do is practice common sense.

I studied this mafia of street beggars for over a couple of
months. It is remarkable the rate that a
signal goes for in cash. Actually it is
an entire hidden economy and to understand it one must be open minded. Let’s begin.

A contractor comes along and takes the signal at a “Bhara”
(rate). Then you have your freelancers
who hop from car to jeep selling flowers, towels tissues or anything to strike
an impulse buy from the traffic etc. The
contractor then places the right mix of beggars that are women with drugged out
babies or conveniently pregnant and then adds on his list of favorite amputees.
The more hideous you are or can express
constipation adds value to your ability to earn for the boss and you get placed
at a signal of higher value where more Burgers hit the roads. These sorts watch and see who has bought
anything off an impulse buy and conveniently pop up to take the change as mercy
money from the traffic because the street vendor always delays it just enough
to pay you until the signal opens.

After this you have your army ants, these are a vicious lot
known as the “Samad bondi’s” (glue sniffing street kids) should you argue with
this lot or any other lot they will scratch your windshield and even strike a
match to your emotions by spitting on you and dart away into the cars where you
cannot catch them. Usually they come
with water bottles and wiper blades to clean windshields but then again I guess
any form of additional revenue goes very well into the kitty.

The street beggars take all the their notes and then believe
it or not bundle the different denominations of currency and eventually sell it
back to the state bank where dirty notes get replaced and new bundles are handed
over with a fee for the processing. Also you will notice that some beggars also
possess mobile phones and have the ability to SMS quite well. Whilst you and I may possess a “China wala
phone” these chaps often mock you because hidden under the layers of clothes
they actually do have an i-Phone 5S. I
am seriously not kidding! Begging does
pay! This is the same lot that once they
pick up a routine form of movement from you that you always stop at the same
signal at the same time with the same people will tell someone via a call or an
SMS what phone you possess and somehow along the way you will be held up by
some random guys on bikes!

If you look at the studies in the west of traffic flows you
will notice that 73% of all accidents and these incidents happen close to where
you live or work (100 – 500 yards) or an area you are familiar with this is because
you are off guard in a comfort zone so you relax your senses.

Surprisingly enough none of these chaps will have hunger
pangs because if you give them one hundred rupees for food they will still be
lurking at the same signal after 3 hours.
I guess you mistook the fact that you thought they wanted daal &
roti when they actually are trying to make enough to hit Jason’s Steak House at
night for the Australian Rib Eye! In Pakistan
we have the most number of NGO’s in the world as a single country which is a
fantastic racket as they are all extremely well-funded locally and also source
their funds from the west and specially overseas Pakistani’s to quash poverty
yet we seem to always produce more beggars than our NGO’s can seem to absorb
into the system.

My advice to you is that in order to stop any form of
addiction one needs to go cold turkey & by the way thanks giving and
Christmas along with Ashura is on the way so please do not encourage these beggars
to make more money than you and take you for a ride. If you want to test my theory ask that woman
who comes to you with a sleeping child to wake up the baby in her arms and hold
in your hand a thousand rupee note. If
the child wakes up then I am wrong and this blog post is null and void! If I am right and the child does not wake up then
seriously think would you give you money to a woman who would drug a child
senseless and violate your emotions!