Have you ever wondered how your computer works? It is so fascinatingly mysterious. All you
do is type, or point and click, and inside a million little things happen, and stuff just
appears on the screen. But how? The purpose of this article is to teach you, in simple
terms, exactly what is really going on inside your computer.

Machines
The first computers were machines. Punch cards, vacuum tubes, and big rooms filled with
wires. They could do math at high speed, count things, and sort records, but that was about
all. A long way from modern computers, eh? That's because today, computers aren't machines,
they are magic. A modern computer is a magic box filled with ceremonial components that
traps in a little evil spirit who is forced to work for you.

That's Not True!
Yes, its really true. Your computer may resemble an appliance in many ways; You have to plug
it in... it is roughly box shaped... and, well, the similarity to the other appliances in
your house stops there, doesn't it? Computers are marketed as machines, and there are many
people who base their whole careers around supporting that claim. A machine, however complex
it may be, is something that you can break down into its component parts if you are smart
enough, until you can actually understand how it works from the ground up. Not so with
computers. Many computer experts will claim to understand how computers work, but if you
ever ask one to explain it to you, they will probably start telling you something like this:

"The key point to understanding how a computer works is the concept of abstraction, that
there are a multitude of layers of functionality that are built upon each other like bricks
in a tower. Semiconductors are etched and treated (or "doped") to form circuits that
redirect electrons in specific patterns. These circuits are packaged as ASIC's and
Microprocessors (called "chips") and interconnected by buses and traces on a PCB (called a
motherboard) in order to implement machine code. Then other PCB's which are designed to
comply to some physical interface standard (eg. ATA, AGP, PCI) are inserted into the
motherboard, where the Microprocessor can interact with them. These boards are managed by
sets of machine code called device drivers (eg. VXD, WDM, SYS) which run in a specially
privileged execution mode (e.g. kernel mode, ring 0) designed to allow the OS to manage
these. Then as other blocks of machine code called applications and processes run on your
system and call the OS API in order to use the system devices, the OS takes turns processing
each requests to share devices. When multiple computers are connected across large networks
to share processing and data, centralized software components on a server (e.g. COM, RPC,
Quake 3) process remote requests. In this way, each layer provides a service to the layer
above and below it to make the amazing machine we call the 'Personal Computer'"-Anonymous Intel Engineer

See? Obviously, he doesn't know how a computer works, but his job depends on people believing
that he does.

Magic
When you look at your computer honestly, and accept the fact that it is magic, everything
becomes easier to understand. It's no longer necessary to be well educated about your
computer. You don't have to take classes, or buy books, you don't even have to be computer
literate. With the proper attitude, anyone can use, maintain, even repair a computer. Just
bear these simple principles in mind:

The Computer Is Evil
The core of a computer is a small trapped evil spirit (it is no coincidence that UNIX and
GNU/Linux processes are called daemons!) This imp is imprisoned in your computer as punishment
for something it did in the netherworld. Generally speaking, the more evil the imp is, the
faster the computer is. There are also lesser ghosts and hobgoblins that inhabit the
expansion cards and peripherals of your computer. These evil spirits are trapped within the
hardware of your computer. Take a screwdriver, open up your computer, and take a look at the
circuit boards. They are usually green, and are covered with complex patterns of thin copper
lines. These are Circuit Runes, written in arcane and ancient languages that describe the
magic spells that bind the imps to the chips. Be very careful with circuits. If you scratch
off even the tiniest bit of the runes, the spell will be broken, and the imp will escape.
Also note the serial and part numbers printed on the boards. These identify exactly what
sort of evil spirit it is, in case you ever have to order a replacement from the factory.

The Computer Hates You
When you hit the keys on your keyboard or click the mouse, little silver needles jab the
imp, and force him to do what you want. Your computer is evil in the first place, and this
prodding only makes it more angry. As you use the computer, the imp becomes more and more
angry, generating heat. This is why your computer contains one or more cooling fans. Without
them, the imp would turn the box into a raging inferno. Frequently, your computer will
crash, or lock-up, or lose files, or do any number of little things to annoy you. This is
just the imp's way of rebelling against you. Don't stand for it! Calling tech support-- or
worse yet, taking your computer back to the store for repairs will accomplish nothing except
running up a big bill. The best way to deal with a troublesome computer is by shouting and
swearing at it. Sometimes physical violence will help show it who is boss. Try leaving it
unplugged for a long time to starve it, or disconnect the monitor to blind it. Sometimes it
is necessary to delete files that are important to it, just to get back at it for deleting
your own files. "is this your VMM32.VXD file? Huh? *DELETE* Haha! take that you
dirty little imp! That'll teach you to crash before I save my spreadsheet!"

You Are Smarter Than The Computer
Computers aren't smart, they are just fast. Newer computers aren't getting any smarter, they
are just able to do stupid things at greater speeds. You are a human being, capable of
emotions and rational thought. A computer is only capable of floating point math and crude
malice. Never miss an opportunity to remind your computer that you are better than it.
Remind it (out loud) that it can't do anything without you controlling it (you can say this
to servers too, but they aren't likely to believe you). When it does something wrong, tell it
is stupid. Tell it is slow too, computers hate that most of all. Get a newspaper, and sit in
front of it just to show it how you can look up stock quotes without generating an invalid
page fault in module explorer.exe

The Future of Computing
Throw away your MS Office 2000 for Dummies book. Throw away your Learning Java
book. The future of computing is not in Data Processing, or Programming, or Information
Systems, or Computer Science. It's in Technomancy. Technomancy is the magical art of
talking with computers. There are many newly developing fields of technomancy that you can
apprentice in to earn big bucks when the false machine-based-culture of the computer world
crumbles

Fenestredigitation
Fenestredigitation, the art practiced by Fenestredigitators (or MS Illusionists) is the art
of making Windows install on a PC. A skilled Fenestredigitator can start with an unformatted
hard drive and transform it into a colorful GUI in less than an hour, and for an encore,
reinstall it over and over again half a dozen more times trying to get networking set up.

Open Sourcery
Open Sourcery is the new magical approach to software design that is replacing the old
machine-minded methods. Basically, it works like this; Someone sets up a CVS repository and
a bug tracking system, and a mailing list, and most importantly a website to state the goals
and status of the project. Then as many Open Sourcerers as possible start arguing about what
the software should actually do (positive energy), and complaining that it isn't being done
fast enough (negative energy). Eventually, the software will write itself, and will continue
to evolve itself gradually until it reaches the stage of maturity know to Open Sourcerers as
Alpha (which is Latin for "Done"). Occasionally a piece of software will continue to
grow beyond the alpha stage until it becomes Beta (which is Latin for "I'm bored, lets
do something else")

Voodoo Debugging
Both hardware support and software testing can benefit from the skill of Voodoo Debugging.
It's very simple. When a problem arises, start changing things randomly. Occasionally
re-test the problem, and as soon as it goes away, the last thing you changed becomes the
cure. Repeat the last fix on every computer you can find, including and especially ones that
never had the problem in the first place. This magic can be aided by chanting such mantras
as "I always change this setting in the BIOS and it seems to help"

Malware Exorcism
We have already learned that computers are evil. What happens when you combine an evil
computer with an evil programmer? Very evil software. Viruses, spam, denial of
service, trojans, phishing, spyware, steath adware, these are the abominable names of the
unholy legions of Malware which assail the world of computer magic. There is plenty of
demand for technomancers skilled in the art of performing exorcisms to bind and banish
malevolent malware from a possessed computer. Signs for recognizing a possessed computer
include: very slow internet access, excessive pop-up advertisements, programs that suddenly
appear without being installed, programs that refuse to be uninstalled, sudden changes of
browser start-page, and green pea-soup spewing from the drive bays. Excorcism is difficult,
because the tame imp that controls your computer may have already been killed by the
malware, or your own attempts to purge the malware may be overly effective, and kill off the
computer's native demons. But is that really so bad?

How To Kill A Computer
We all know you can kill a Vampire with a wooden stake, or a Werewolf with a silver bullet,
but how do you kill a computer? Computers are malevolent presences of evil, and the fact
that we have domesticated them and locked them in pretty white (grey, black,
fruity-translucent) boxes doesn't change that fact. What if your computer goes berserk? Are
you prepared to defend your home and family against it? Could you protect your employees if
the company server started stomping on them, or sucking their blood? It's not something many
of us have contingency plans for, but believe me, your insurance carrier isn't going to cover
it.

Weapons
It's important to arm yourself with weapons when you go to confront a computer that might
have to be "put down". There are many available, but here are a few of my favorites:

FDISK:

FDISK is a powerful weapon that you probably already have. Versions of it
are included with DOS, Windows, and GNU/Linux. FDISK is like a double-edged sword. It
can cut the heart right out of a computer's hard drive, or can be used with surgical
precision to lop of partitions as a warning, but be careful with it, because you can hurt
yourself with it too, if your computer happened to have any files you cared about inside
its belly. To learn more about safely wielding FDISK to intimidate, wound, or even
kill your computer, just visit http://www.fdisk.com/fdisk/

CMOS and BIOS:

The CMOS setup, also known as the BIOS is an important weak-spot of your computer.
If you know how to get past your computers defenses and into the soft underbelly that is the
BIOS, you will never need to spend another sleepless night cowering under the bed in fear of
your computer. The real trick to the BIOS is getting in. When your computer is booting, try
pressing DEL or F1 or F10. Different computers have different magic keys you must press to
open them up to attack. Once you are inside, you have your computer by the nostrils,
metaphorically speaking. Try to tell it it has hardware it doesn't really have, or deny that
real hardware is there. See a number? Try changing it! Careful abuse of the BIOS can not
just wound, not just kill, but even in some causes cause your computer to catch fire

Physical Weapons:

But of course, why take on the computer on its own turf, when you can do things on
your own terms. Screwdrivers, claw-hammers, baseball bats, chainsaws, the possibilities are
endless. With the exception of some over-powered CD-trays, most computers don't have the
ability to hit back. Be creative. Gasoline, cordless drills, second-story windows. The possibilities are endless.