Reading Rainbow – encourages children to read books but never has an episode about The Art of the Deal. Sad!

Planned Parenthood – who needs to plan parenthood? Just grab ‘em by the pussy and whatever happens, happens. (Always have a rock-solid pre-nup though, since women are always after your money.)

The Shriners – Anti-American tiny cars. When did America stop winning? When we stopped having big cars. Also, those things don’t run on coal so they’re destroying American jobs!

4-H Club – Animal husbandry, are you kidding me? Marriage is supposed to be between one man and one woman, then another woman whenever he wants to switch things up.

The Democrats – Losers. Always whining about how they won the popular vote. Since when is being President a popularity contest? By the way, they didn’t actually win the popular vote, I did. If I’d wanted to win the popular vote I would have done it. Next time I will, believe me. Looking to beat Stalin’s record of 99.9% in 2020!

Collector and curator Reinhard Schulz, who is definitely Swiss and for sure not a German, in cooperation with Life Magazine, has made public images of Eva Braun, companion and later wife of Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler. The pictures, which portray Braun in situations that would be totally banal and uninteresting if it weren’t for her connection to one of the most-reviled figures in history, are for some reason only appearing now, more than sixty-five years after her death and the end of World War II. And The History Channel couldn’t be more ecstatic.

“We had heard rumours that the US Army had confiscated the personal effects of Hitler and Braun at the end of the war, but they were just that–rumours,” explained History Channel spokesman Jack Lawton. “We were intrigued, but had our hands full with footage and archives that filled hours and hours of programming. But after years of mining every angle we possibly could about World War II, we thought the story was completely tapped. With the timely release of these images–powerful, disturbing images that shed new light on the struggles of the Greatest Generation–we, and our shareholders, were absolutely thrilled. We’re starting next week with a six-part mini-series, “History’s Deadliest Mistresses” with a heavy focus on Eva Braun cavorting with the Nazi elite. It’s going to be titillat-… I mean, educational.

“The photo of Braun in blackface is just gravy.”

Life Magazine promises to next release previously unknown photos of Stalin’s housekeeper, a clown hired to perform at Mussolini’s birthday party in 1942, and a dog belonging to the youngest son of Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels. When asked to comment on this new treasure trove, Lawton tilted his head back, lolled out his tongue, and made a Homer Simpson-esque gurgling sound.