From owner-crackmonkey@crackmonkey.org Tue Jul 20 12:33:43 1999
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Date: Tue, 20 Jul 1999 12:26:48 -0700 (PDT)
From: Deirdre Saoirse
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To: crackmonkey@zork.net
Subject: [crackmonkey] FWD: the "Darwin" Awards... (fwd)
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Your daily humor dose.
1999 DARWIN AWARDS
The true high point of the e-mail year has arrived. Yes, it is the
1999 Darwin Awards. For those sheltered few of you who are not fully
aware of the Darwin Awards: These awards are given annually (and
posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human gene
pool by removing themselves from it.
DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:
#1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove
a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple.
A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent
of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to
watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from
the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window
inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches,
the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking
towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees.
Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died
of suffocation en-route to the hospital.
#2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.
Richards.According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian
roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more
traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired.
#3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death
on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a
local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the
dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
#4 - MOSCOW, Russia. A drunk security man asked a colleague at the
Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if
it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the
25-year-old guard
died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the
spirit of the
Darwin Awards.)
#5 - In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he
decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied
a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large
rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried
to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol.
The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him.
Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden
dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was
dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a
hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
#6 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to
commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by
the
fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his
terminally stupid
choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a
substantial
portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns
in public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police
patrol
car parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter,
having coffee
before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced
a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly
returned fire,
removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their
guns,
but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS.....
THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA.
Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed
early
Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was
apparently
attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn. Baker
had been
suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern
Manitoba
Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier
infraction
was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted
maintenance
catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told
coworkers
that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift
at the
station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero.
Microwaves can
heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat
food in
microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a
twelve pack
of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line
with the
strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost
in
microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in
holiday
long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the
daytime
watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odor he mistook for a
Christmas
roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also
reported
to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.
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