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Perfectionism Is The Enemy Of Everything

During a session with my former partners, our coach posited a theory: that we were all perfectionists and that was a big part of our problem. I thought he was crazy—about the problem part, not the perfectionism—and I protested mightily.

Two years later, I can see that he was right.

I’ve thought a lot about that insight since then. It changed my perception of my own perfectionism, which I used to wear as a badge of honor. Nowadays, when I start to feel dissatisfied or angry, I first check in with myself to see if the cause is the fact that a person or situation is different from what I envisioned as “perfect.” I’ve been surprised at how many times that disparity is the culprit underlying my discontent.

Of course, perfectionism has its benefits, especially in work, where it motivates over-achievers to pursue high standards and new visions. Perfectionists are driven to improve and innovate. They are disciplined and detail-oriented; both of which are critical in professions where there is no margin for error.

Culturally, we prize perfectionism; Steve Jobs and Martha Stewart are frequently credited with insisting that their teams strive for perfection. We don’t usually talk about the impact of working with a control freak or the collateral damage to creativity.

The problem arises when perfectionists take things too far. They set standards that are impossible to meet and then devalue work that doesn’t meet the impossible standards. It’s a toxic loop.

Self-oriented perfectionism, in which individuals impose high standards on themselves

Socially prescribed perfectionism, where individuals feel others expect them to be perfect

Other-oriented, in which individuals place high standards on others.

Most people have some combination of these, with varying emphasis on one. All three types, left unchecked, are potentially fatal to partnerships. Why? Because everyone has their own version of perfectionism—and its very nature prevents partners from melding them into one vision. It can also become an impediment to effective leadership, because the time and neurosis required to make something “perfect” comes at the high cost of flexibility, responsiveness, creativity, and cooperation.

Self-oriented perfectionism is problematic because it can lead to obsessiveness; inefficiency; and a multitude of serious mental health issues that affect attendance, performance, and morale. You’ll often see a perfectionist procrastinate because she’s afraid of failing before she starts. Alternatively, she may position herself as a martyr, “the only one” who cares/thinks/works enough about getting things “right.”

When one partner can’t let go of a particular vision, or doesn’t value her own work product, it puts her partner(s) in the difficult position of arguing against a perceived, but ultimately unattainable, notion of greatness. Conflict about the value of work product is an express ticket to mistrust. The deep fear and insecurity that underlie perfectionism inevitably also impair open, authentic communication.

Socially prescribed perfectionism also threatens business partnership. It doesn’t take long for a partner to buckle under the pressure of unrealistic expectations. It’s hard to ask for help when you believe that it will be interpreted as a sign of weakness or incompetence.

Other-oriented perfectionism may be the worst of all, though. Partners who have one or more of these types of perfectionists in their midst will face a lack of empathy and forgiveness when they make mistakes. One partner may fear open communication because expressing his real feelings or thoughts will disappoint the other person.

I’m not sure there is a balanced approach to perfectionism. Having both coped with my own perfectionism as well as someone else’s, I’ve experienced first-hand that its rigidity is difficult to work with and build on, especially in a team or partnership setting. The insistence on a perfect solution doesn’t make space for the messy business of collaboration, which is what a partnership is. Because perfectionists tend to both expect and dole out criticism, it alienates them from partners who can offer support and encouragement.

What can you do to overcome perfectionism?(If you’re not sure you’re a perfectionist, try taking this test.)

Cultivate mindfulness by asking yourself if your disappointment over an outcome is actually rooted in your perfectionism.

Practice accepting imperfection—in yourself and in your partners.

Acknowledge effort—on your part and on the part of your partners.

Embrace iterative processes; there are almost always chance to improve upon your work.

Invite feedback. If the prospect of criticism terrifies you, ask your partner(s) to give you constructive feedback regularly so you can get used to hearing it without feeling judged.

Here are some more articles that explore various aspects of perfectionism in greater depth:

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Wharton Professor Len Lodish says “It’s better to be vaguely right than precisely wrong.” There is nothing wrong with perfection – at the right time and place. Start broad. Test. Refine. Then, narrow in towards perfection when all are aligned and it matters.

Analytic article looking beyond the carpet with logical points. However, there are number of visible benefits of being a perfectionist accruing considerable desired results which becomes yardstick for success and a cutting edge for survival in this competitive environment but in the world of diversity, strict adherence to perfectionism precipitates dis-harmony in the surroundings and make injury to the relationship. Setting high standard in personal life may be good but measuring the frequency in the environment and matching it for making it workable is very much required. Harmonization can not be brought without understanding the environment and due adaptation to make fluvial action. However performance does not necessarily demand for conformance but acceptance of common view ca not be denied for better results. Acceptance of virtual realities to the extent not making injury to the spirit of the subject and life should be give due weightage to weave the different threads for making a neatly woven apparel. Thank for posting which is not only meaning and learning in text but also throw light on practical aspect. There is no meaning of any thing if drafted or crafted without considering the ground realities and not found workable.

Glad you came around to seeing perfectionism as a drawback, which it is. It is not at all the same as having high standards, which is what confuses people. As you note, perfectionism is setting impossible or unachievable standards and– this is important – punishing yourself harshly for failing to meet them. The punishment often comes in the form of a self-abusive dialogue, e.g., “What’s wrong with me? This is easy. Why am I so lazy?…etc.”

Other perfectionist traits: grandiosity (things that are difficult for others should be easy for me), shortsightedness, focus on product instead of process, focus on external rewards and validation, and relentless labeling, comparisons, and negativity about self and others. And there’s more! Perfectionism is a real toxic brew, but you can train yourself to overcome it. Along with reframing your thoughts, I also recommend desensitization exercises where you intentionally fail as noted here.

Hillary Rettig, author, The 7 Secrets of the Prolific: The Definitive Guide to Overcoming Procrastination, Perfectionism, and Writer’s Block. www.hillaryrettig.com

amazing article !!! I’ve faced someone like this.. who has mosltly the third kind of perfectionism…. it was so hard to deal with him.. I must say that perfectionists may be successful in their work and study but in relations they are definitely not!!

Very nice article, and very powerful theme. I would like to share an idea about it, that I’ve been working on with my clients (primarily business executives).

We can see perfectionism will be a sort of strive for perfection: if there is any potential improvement, a perfectionist will try it, until there is no more improvement potential (which is kind of impossible), or until the time runs out! Perfeccionism will then most probably steel too much time from other pending activities, reducing the global quality of work in the big picture.

They know they shouldn’t do it, and we all probably agree that it’s not about logic. It’s an emotional conditioning. And mostly rooted on fear of failing, and that can give good clues to the antidote…

The idea is we clear some objective analysis of the success criteria we are using to judge (ourselves). And to do that, you must access your sense of “mission”. This is useful for all the roles with act upon: parent, worker, … The magic question: what’s the mission? what is the purpose? how would you know if you are succeeding, what would be some metrics for that? I think this notion of purpose can do a lot to clarify how good we are (or are not), so we can balance it against an “intuitive sense” that just maybe is playing tricks on us…

If by any chance you would be curious to read a bit more on some work on “success criteria against perfectionism” with high performance executives, I have a summed up an article on this right here: http://www.whatsthetrick.com/noticias.php?id=26.

The issue I take with this idea of adaptive perfectionism or “positive” perfectionism is it doesn’t take into account the destructiveness this perfectionism causes interpersonal relationships. You can’t be intimate with an individual that is psycologically incapable of rationaly processing their shortcomings and isn’t able to self-disclose. They may strive for high standards without being socially maladjusted, but they aren’t intimately connected with others and God help their spouses.