Expense Report

It is my job and I do take great pride in whatever I do as part of that job. Yeah, you fancy Certified Public Accountants can wave your frilly degrees around, your memberships and whatever else it is that makes you so certified, I check expense reports. Unfortunately, I am just now starting a new job since I got fired after thirty-seven years working for my previous employer.

Okay yeah, I hear what everyone is saying, that you really have to screw up bad to get fired after thirty-seven years. Well it's not that way, I mean when Victoria's Secrets suddenly begin appearing on someone's expense report. I do understand that we all have secrets, but hey, not on expense reports, at least not on my watch.

Yes, I realize there may be circumstances when a traveler may need to purchase under things and granted, there may be a series of events where a woman might purchase the said under things at Victoria's Secrets, but when nearly two thousand dollars is charged by a male employee, I become suspicious. Anyway, upon discovering the questionable charges, I did a bit of research confirming the sizes of the items purchased and found that the employee in question did have an attractive, but over size 14 assistant traveling with him on the trip.

The next step was to simply report the transgression, which I did with no particular relish, and then offer my interpretation of the facts and results. As it appeared to me, our culprit purchased the racy under things for the assistant with plans for an evening dalliance with her. At least that was what I included in my report.

Well, when it turned out that the employee was the son of the company president, a son who was sent out on a trip with such short notice that he had to purchase some clothes, a son who had a personal preference for satin frilled under things, a son who had recently been released from psychiatric care. Once word got out about the entire investigation I quickly found myself in the office of the company's president, who thanked me for my thirty-seven years of dutiful service to the company with a final check and a quick boot in the ass.

Well, to help minimize expenses I moved to a small town near Las Vegas and got hired by a nice, family business called Katydids, you know, after the insect. I initially figured it was either an exterminators or a cute day care center, but when I visited I found out it was kind of a mixed entertainment center with a bar, hotel rooms and some slot machines. Anyway, it's good to get away from that old company anyway, at least now I can get back to some old time accounting practices and some reasonable expense accounts.

Okay, so anyway I reviewed my first expense account, a charge for clear lip gloss – denied. Condoms? Ah, a bold choice, but sorry – denied. Oh and here it is, not the secrets of a certain Victoria, no, just a bit sluttier Fredrick's of, yes, you guessed it. Most certainly I denied that one.

The second one wasn't much better, personal lubricant? Pornographic movies and a Brazilian Wax? No, I was just going to have to teach these folks something about allowable business expenses. I figured I better nip this thing right here. Grabbing the phone I looked at the first expense report, okay it was submitted by Tina Fine.

"Okay, Tina, let's just have a talk about allowable expenses, shall we," I said to myself, dialing her number. It rang a few times, well, more like about eight. She finally answered.

"Tina, hello... oh, did I wake you? Okay, okay, it's almost eleven a.m. how was I supposed to know you would still be asleep. I mean the work day for me starts at seven.

"Well, no I really don't want to kiss that... oh, okay, just a figure of speech, I understand. Look Ms. Fine, the reason I'm calling is that I am the new accountant for the company and well I wanted to ask you a few things about your expense report?

"Oh, okay, good. The first item was the clear lip gloss, why are you putting that on your expense report? You say it's for Bobby Joe? And why does... Oh, he doesn't like a red lipstick ring around his... No, no, I don't imagine that's something he'd want to show his wife. But could you tell my exactly how your lipstick would get on his... Ah, yes, I think I understand, but tell me how is that a business expense?

"So you're not just a waitress, you're not a waitress you are a... Well no, of course I wouldn't call you that, but you say the company has hired you to... To be honest I hadn't really thought of it, but yes I guess it is legal here outside of Las Vegas.

"And so the condoms... yes, okay and Fredrick's? Well yes I might like to see you in... I don't know if I can afford... Oh, an employee discount, I didn't know about that. Okay, well I think you answered all my questions here. Thank you and again, I'm sorry I woke you up so early."

Wow, I guessed the second expense report didn't look so bad. Perhaps I do have a bit to learn about this accounting and expense report thing. After thirty-seven years I guess I need to learn a few more tricks... ah, things.