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Swingin’ in the City

It’s time for a reader’s question!

My long-time boyfriend suggested that we go to a swingers’ event. He said that we could just go to “check it out” and that I don’t need to do anything if I don’t feel comfortable. I’ve never done anything like this before. Should I go?

Answer: Thanks for your question! As with all private sexual matters, there’s no right or wrong answer here. But, I do recommend that you obtain more information before you make your decision.

With respect to your relationship, have you and your boyfriend talked about going to a sex club, engaging in sexual voyeurism, or bringing in a third party before? Did his request catch you by surprise, or was it something you expected? Has he attended a swingers' party before? Do you know his motivation or the impetus for his suggestion?

Watching other people engage in sex, having others watch you, or having sex with another person outside of your primary relationship can all be healthy under the right circumstances. It's important, though, that you and your boyfriend are clear and open about why you would be attending the event and what you expect from doing so. (It would be incredibly uncomfortable and potentially hurtful if he expects to engage in sexual activity with another person at one of these events or to have sex with you in front of others if those acts aren’t of any interest to you.)

I would also do some reconnaissance on the event itself. Will there be rooms at the club for just drinking, talking and/or dancing? What are the rules for attendees? Is there any information that provides a newcomer with an idea of what to expect?

If you decide to go, discuss some ground rules with your boyfriend beforehand. Make sure that you won’t be stuck there longer than you want to be and that he will be okay not participating in any activity or going inside any room that is not of interest to you. If you are open to trying something new, what is the safe word or phrase that you can use if you'd like your boyfriend to stop? There also should be an understanding that if either of you wants to leave at any time, you both leave immediately no questions asked. With all those disclaimers, if you choose to attend, I hope that you both enjoy the evening!

If you decide not to go, remember that your boyfriend should respect your decision and not pressure you into doing anything that you don't want to. It's also worth figuring out what your boyfriend’s motivation was for suggesting a swingers' club in the first place. If he’s interested in spicing up your relationship and you’re open to that on some level, are they other ways that could be achieved? You might wish to check out my post with ideas for mixing up your bedroom routine with new positions, toys, techniques, and sexy games.

Whatever you decide, trust that it’s the right decision for you. Good luck!

Have you gone or would you go to a swingers' event? Do you have any other advice for this reader?