Memoirs of Middle Aged Men

Between the moment you come kicking and screaming into this world, to the times you've narrowly avoided being thrown out of it, there are brief moments of reflection where one is forced to contemplate their utter awesomeness. This blog is dedicated to the plethora of those moments.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Just saw a dude in skinny jean cut offs...as if skinny jeans weren't stupid, someone had to make shorts out of them. And as if that wasn't stupid, someone had to wear them when it is 40 degrees outside. --Eric

Belgian beers are homing beacons for gay-dars...take a "beer", typically a masculine drink, throw a wedge of fruit in it, and poof....everyone in the room knows you smoke the pole 3 at a time. Nice job Florence Nightengale. -- Joe

Come to think of it, belgian beers are also for guys with names that could be masculine or feminine.

If you research the brewing process, it's actually the most simple beer to brew. You drink good beer all day, like an ale, you piss in the empty bottles, cap it and voila! You just made a Belgian beer.

If installing a moat, bypass the bridge and just hire a scary looking guy like The Undertaker to "ferry" people across.

Indoor waterfall, lazy river, sweet pool and grotto: the waterfall would be in the entry way of the house and the lazy river would spiral throughout, exiting into the backyard and finishing off into another waterfall that spills into a pool. Behind this waterfall is a hot tub, similar to the features of the playboy mansion's grotto

Ghost town with Saloon: saw this on Dale Earnhart Jr's Cribs episode. He had a full on old west "ghost town" complete with a Saloon that had a bar and game room.

Look Out tower w/ R. Lee Ermy: this is based on previous entries. For those who want to protect their property, you can station yourself up there with a paintball gun, cannon, or M16 assault rifle and really keep people off your lawn. When you wanted to come down, R. Lee would get up there and "show" people his war face.

Indoor wind tunnel parachute thing: perhaps in order to get into the house you have to get in it and shoot yourself up.

So I was thinking to myself, after setting up all of my decorations for the Christmas season, and then watching a neighbors dog piss on one of the oversized christmas lights I have running across the front of my lawn all the while their fucking asshole owner was watching and did nothing...what kind of absolutely over the top home upgrades would I really want to do to my home, but would never happen? I came up with;(1) install a moat and drawbridge, (2) an electric fence, and I mean the kind that electrocutes you for even THINKING about pissing on it, it would bear the reputation of being "the Jack Bauer of electric fences", (3) a full time sniper on the roof to frickin blow sparky's planted back leg off as he raises the other to piss on anything of mine.

For those of you who did not know, today was my sisters birthday. All she wanted to do was to have breakfast with her friends and go up to Big Bear and go mountain biking. I showed up as she was finishing the dishes, breakfast had been a success. Her sidekick, Amy, was a no show at breakfast, we waited about 45 minutes while I haased down the leftovers, and we decided"Fuck it, let's go" and off we set. We made it to BB in about two and a half hours. On the way up the mountain, she was driving like she went to the same driving school as Brandon...I was hitting the oh shit break every 15 seconds as she would zoom up on peoples asses, and then curse them for driving slow. Mind you we were going up a fucking mountain, and yes I see the irony in me being the one bringing this to your alls attention.

We get to the bike place right at the base of BB and the guy asks a silly question, "hard tail or full suspension?" Julie looks at me and then without missing a beat blurts out "Full suspension". We get set up with these sweet ass Trek bikes, helmets, the whole 9. We head up the hill on the bikes, leaving the car at the shop. By the time we get to the lodge, we are both pooped, but figured out the shifting of gears and what not. At the lift, we go to purchase our tickets, and BB is free on your birthday! Julie's $25 lift ticket was free. I paid $12 because we didn't know how long it would take us to get down and the lifts close at 5...it was about 2, so I paid for a single trip and then could upgrade later. Last time she had been there, she and Amy had gone up some crazy ass hill and then it took them 2 hours to get down. When we got off the lift, which was a fucking trip to walk off of a ski lift, we decided, well you went right last time, lets go left. If you know anything about BB the black diamonds and double blacks are this way...totally forgot this little fact. We ended up on a single track that was FUCKING INSANE. Julie wiped out 3 times before we were halfway down. I went down twice. I was riding the back break and some of the drops were so steep that I went over the handle bars...it was a warm day and my cockles missed the tube that connects the handlebars to the bike by mere millimeters. Another time I was going through a rotted log, caught the pedal and ended up dismounting the bike as it skidded out from under me. Then there were the serious bikers that were flying down this insanity at mach 3 with full on face protected motorcycle helmets and they were wrapped up like one of the fucking mythbusters. They were fun to get out of the way of. It was a hell of a lot of fun, but just fucking CRAZY!

We eventually got down the mountain, and decided let's go again. So as we pull up to the chairlift, I am bullshitting with the operator who was missing half of his fucking ear, and he advised me to go back to the bike shop and get my back tire looked at. When he asked where we had been, and I told him, he said "I would hate to see you get up on top of the mountain and get stuck." Remember this line. We go to the shop, the guys swap out the tire with a fresh one and off we go. Get to the lift, they wave my 12 bucks and get us on our way. The lift guy set us up with an awesome series of fire road trails that would be much more our speed. We get to the top, head right, blow by some people and are hauling ass....then I realize, I have no back breaks. They are hydraulic disc fucking brakes, and I know they worked earlier. I end up stopping carefully with the front brake hop off and start to look at the brake mechanism. I am fucking around with the brake, and then I get the bright idea to dust off the disc...that was awesome. It was so hot, that I didn't even feel the heat, I did however see the white smoke coming off from under my FINGERS. That was even more awesome, or the fact that the edge of the disc melted right through the skin of my first joint of my pointer finger or that I could feel the layers of skin slip against each other. I now have these really cool blisters in the shape of the holes of the disc brakes on my thumb, my pointer finger and my middle finger on my right hand...writing on the board will be way fun. By this time, it's 3:30, lift closes at 5, shop closes at 6. We are too far down to walk up, oh did I forget to mention that the brake had completely SEIZED. The back tire couldn't move...not at all. There was no release lever or anything....so anyways. We couldn't walk up, we decided I would run it down dragging the back tire as we went. I kept taking a pedal to just above my knee...even more awesome is the bruise and the bloody marks I now have. After about a mile or so, we stopped some guys coming up the trail. They had a wrench and disassembled the rear brake. "In all my years riding, I have never seen anything like this" so they already think I am a tard. Then I blurt out, "I burned my fingers trying to look for a release lever." both guys stop, and look at me and say, "Yeah, brakes can get hot." SO I coasted down the hill using only the front brake. I would ride for 5 and walk for 5 because I didn't want the front brake to seize also...we would really be fucked.

We finally make it to the bike shop, and as we pull up the same dipshits who changed the tire ask "How was it?" Julie responds, "Oh we had some problems" They respond with, "I am sure, it occurred to us after you left that we put a tire from a smaller frame on the bike, and they have different sized calipers. When we called the lift to stop you, you had already gone." I showed them my fingers and recounted the story. One of the kids comes in, I guess he was the manager, and tells the guy behind the desk to only charge us for 2 hours for each bike. Now I had kept my cool pretty well with the situation for the most part. Came a little unglued at the thought of spending the night on the mountain, or at the thought of having the shop close and being stuck with two fucking bicycles and Julies car. At this point, I turn to the guy behind the desk and ask "I burned the shit out of my hand because your bike broke and you want to charge me for being forced to run it a mile or so, and have some stranger MacGyver the fucking thing so I could make it down. Are you serious?" Whole nother run around, but we got the bikes free for the day. In the end, we ended up spending 12 bucks total. On the way out of town, stopped for a fountain drink so I could hold onto something cold because my fingers kind of hurt and Julie decides she wants beef jerky. At the checkstand, the total comes to 17 bucks...she managed to grab a 16 dollar bag of fucking jerky! Jesus Christ was that the best jerky ever! --Joe

"So if you eat pineapple, your jizz tastes like pineapple the next day. So if I gave a blowjob yesterday, what do you think my jizz would taste like today? I mean...I'm just wondering....you know what, just forget I asked." --Joe

Get in the elevator and as the door starts to close, stick out your hand so that it opens and ask the empty doorway, "Well aren't you going up also? Jeezus I swear, you wouldn't ever get anywhere without me!" and then continue a random conversation with a non-existent person.

Answer all questions in a very LOUD VOICE....people will never ask you another question.

After someone attempts to make small talk, or better yet, while they are initiating it, offer them a breath mint

Ask the question, "Have you ever thought about how many pounds of fertilizer it would take to bring this building down?"

Get in and randomly bust out a Michael Jackson crotch grab complete with pelvis thrust while pointing to the sky with the other hand and letting out your best Michael "WOOO-HOO"

Get in with a pissed off look on your face, pull out a pair of tight leather gloves, put them on and start punching fist into open palm....all the while muttering "YOU EYEBALLIN ME???"

Ask the fellow riders, "IF you were OJ, looking back on it, how could you have done the crime and gotten away with it? My bitch...I...I mean I was just wondering."

just make the frmpf noise every time you take a step.

Act as though you are a robot complete with sounds and robotic movements.

When you get into the elevator, stand directly in front on the person, facing them, with your back to the door, put on a pair of sunglasses, and clasp your hands in front of you and act like a statue.

Ask, "how much did you have to drink this morning? my God it smells like a bar in here."

Just start chuckling, then laughing, slap your knee laughing, stop and turn to face the fellow riders and just stop.

Get in, and ask, "Have you ever gotten in your car and forgot that your kid was in their car seat on the roof? I think this is going to be a long week."

Ask, have you seen a 6 year old running around in the building? If you do can you call me at...give them a false extension...better yet, ask them if they have seen a baby in a blue car seat with a red handle...if they do have them call the extension.

Ask "Why did we stop getting the white out you could sniff and get a buzz from? My days have gone to shit since."

After they make some lame remark come back with a completely random animal question....
-Who would win in a fight, a gorilla or an ostrich?
-What's the difference between an alligator and crocodile?
-Who would win a Panda or a Grizzley?
-Is it wrong if your wife calls your dick her little koalla bear?
-Who would win in a foot race, an alpacca or a zebra?
-What is the physiological difference between a zebra and a mustang?
-Why did ford decide to produce a car and name it after a wild horse?
-How much does a mountain lion weigh?
-If you could make a mythical creature, what would it be??? Mine's the liger.
-What animal has the biggest dick?
-What truly is the difference between the African and European Swallow?

I work in an office building, 6 floors. I ride the elevator everyday since I work on the 6th floor. When there are two people in the elevator there always seems to be that obligation to talk. It is usually something stupid like "Whew, its hot out there!" or "Man, only two more days til Friday." I hate those. I know its fucking hot and please, I don't need a count down about what day of the week it is.

So, I sit here pondering...what are great things to say to people in the elevator in order to avoid these lame conversations. Below are a few I came up with...please help me and provide your suggestions.

"Do you mind if I fart?"

"Whew, this heat is causing me some serious swamp ass."

(While talking on my cell) "Bitch, that ain't my kid. I pulled out. How many times do I have to tell you?"

Saturday, April 10, 2010

I have been cleaning house since 11am. Just cleaned all the bathrooms...didn't make it 10 steps before I ran in and sprayed mud all over the shitter. Luckily the cleaning products were right there, cleaned it up, good to go. Doing laundry 10 minutes later, sprint upstairs, worse mud! -- Joe

Monday, March 29, 2010

I don't think you quite appreciate my relief...imagine going in for an annual physical with a new doctor, and on shaking his hand he damn near crushes your hand with his ginormous sausage digits...you sit in fear in your back-less gown waiting for the rectal exam...picture the relief you feel when he tells you, you are done and the $5 foot long fingers never entered a single orifice of your body...i'm right there. I almost had a celebratory beer. -- Joe

So not drinking blows when you go home. I am helping Judes clean the garage...perfect occasion right? So I strapped on my old bike helmet and started running into shit with my hand across my chest going "Arrrgghhh" thump! I'm losing my mind!!! -- Joe

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

I just told Brandon you got him a keg of Man Gravy...I bet it will have a Dildo as a pump handle! He will be so happy! I can hear it now... "Hey Mark, who's the guy with the plastic cock in his hand, the goofey grin and semen dripping from his chin?" -- Joe

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Situation report: Attack and capture of rats has taken the night off. Zero kills or captures and attack by ants was squelched when I hosed the biggest damn Ho Chi Minh trail of ants I have ever seen with ant spray! It was AWESOME!!! Maximum kills, minimum effort. -- Joe