The screening room

Time for 'Celebrity Rehab: Academy Awards Edition'

Don’t feel the need to apologize if you
slumbered through that star-studded circus on Sunday night; it was
barely worth staying awake to witness.

If last year’s Oscar ceremony — hosted by
an all-too-eager-to-please Anne Hathaway and a nearly somnambulant
James Franco — was a fascinatingly misguided mess, this year’s fiasco
was almost as exciting as being served a TV dinner that had languished
in the far recesses of the freezer since 1995.

A cat may have nine lives, but an Oscar
host does not, as Billy Crystal learned when he returned for his ninth
stint as emcee. Joke after joke clunked — apparently to Crystal’s great
surprise, since he frequently paused after a punchline to wait for the
guffaws that weren’t coming — and even such once-reliable gimmicks as
Crystal’s opening spoof of the nominated films and his “what are the
stars thinking” segment barely registered. Aside from an eye-catching
Cirque du Soleil spot and a couple of entertaining acceptance speeches
(supporting actor winner Christopher Plummer got more laughs in his
first 30 seconds than Crystal did in his first 90 minutes), the show
lumbered from start to finish.

As never-quite-made-it movie star Nancy Reagan used to say, “Stop the madness.”

It’s time for the Academy Awards to come back to the land of the living. Here’s a strategy plan.

Hotter, hipper hosts: No, don’t
summon Hathaway and Franco back from exile (heavens, no). Get some
sharp, snappy people who can think on their feet, like Tina Fey, Kristen
Wiig, Neil Patrick Harris and Ryan Reynolds. (Don’t laugh at that last
name: In person, Reynolds is one of the most engaging, quick-witted guys
around — how strange that so many of his cinematic comedies don’t take
advantage of his natural flair for ad-libbing.)

Or the Academy could go for elegance and
class by asking former winners like Colin Firth, Meryl Streep, Helen
Mirren or George Clooney to host the show. As for Crystal and his stale
shtick, let’s chip in for an all-expenses-paid trip to the Catskills.

You’re saluting movies — show us some of them: This
year’s Oscars did a slam-bang job of concealing most of what it was
supposedly celebrating. There were about 30 seconds of clips from best
picture winner “The Artist,” and they were shown repeatedly. Viewers
were treated to maybe 12 seconds of “Man or Muppet,” which won the best
original song Oscar. There’s something to be said for brevity, but the
Oscars producers have taken it to absurd extremes. Go back to showcasing
the nominees instead of squandering so much time on celebrities
reminiscing about favorite movie memories or lame sketches like the
“Wizard of Oz” focus group (a rare misfire from director Christopher
Guest and his ensemble).

Make some dreams come true: The
2013 ceremony will mark the 85th year of the Academy Awards. Sounds like
a perfect time for a massive contest to select 85 film fans that could
be part of the show. Imagine getting to walk the red carpet with Amy
Adams or helping Tom Hardy present the best editing award. There’s
enormous potential for calling attention to the anniversary — and
bringing new life to an old establishment — by letting some
celebs-for-a-night share the spotlight.

Loosen up the format: Of course,
the best picture award should remain at the end of the night. But can’t
the Academy do a better job of spreading out the other major awards
throughout the evening, instead of asking viewers to slog through a
solid hour of technical honors and tributes before getting around to the
supporting actor and actress prizes?

Incorporate some viewer feedback:
Put a little strip along the bottom of the screen between awards and
share some of the Twitter and Facebook conversations going on about the
show. Hey, most of the wisecracks I read Sunday night were much funnier
than anything Crystal and his cronies were delivering.