Anti-Protest Protest

Record-breaking numbers of people gathered in London today to protest about the disruption and expense caused by protests in the capital. Whistle-blowing Peter Fellingham, of Battersea, had joined the crowed to make his voice heard. "We've all had enough of these protests," said Mr Fellingham, "they clog up our great city and cost a fortune to police, which is of course paid for by you and me - the tax-payer!"

As the sea of people moved down the strand to cries of "No more protests!", I spoke to a young girl, banner waving Madeline du Poit of Kensington, who was very angry at the seemingly limitless rights granted to those who wished to protest in this country, "Ziis is so stooped!'' spat Ms du Poit, "I move over ere to escape zi French farmers oo regularly bring Paris to an alt wiz zair szmelly protests. I come to London only to find out zat it is zi same ere - ziez protests should not be allowed to 'appen!" The march continued throughout the day growing ever larger in size as people, keen to protest about the inconvenience caused to them by protests, joined the crowd.

Organiser, Jonathan Falcon-Goldsmith, declared the march a success, "I think anyone witnessing our march today will acknowledge that this kind of thing really isn't on; protesters are scum and consist largely of three main demographic groups: students, the elderly and the homeless - all with far too much time on their hands. These people don't take time of work to march or make any kind of sacrifice, they just come for the free entertainment". Falcon-Goldsmith backed up his claim by pointing out that marches never clashed with the protester's favourite television programmes, such as Antiques Roadshow or Ali G.

He continued his robust defence of the Anti-Protest protest by initiating a charge at police lines, followed by a token attack on the local outlet of a well-known fast food chain. Your man on the inside took this as his cue to make for safer ground, but as I squeezed past a group of disgruntled taxi drivers I managed to glean one last insight into the proceedings from confused Betty Longbottom of Devon, "Isn't it nice to see so many people come together to protest about a common cause,'' said Betty, "that Poll-Tax really has to go."

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