Super-Excited Conserva-Texans Give ‘Democrat’ Happy Ending

Hey conservative blogosphere, whatcha talking about these days? The birthday party Andy Breitbart missed ’cause he was, um, interred? Joining the totally gonna get sued Tea Party Facebook? COPYRIGHTS ARE NOT IN THE CONSTITUTION!!!!11!! Oh, and what’s this? A “committed Democrat” got a standing-O from a “room full of Texas conservatives”?? Wha? How can this be? Who could break through to the most conservatively conservative secession petitioners and make them clap while erect? Oh, of course, it was Pat Caddell, the “Democrat” Pollster Fox News, breitbart.com and Rush Limbaugh all have as a guest to say, “See? See? Even some Democrats think Barack Obama is ramming things down your throat.”

Pat Caddell spoke at a meeting for the not as sexist as it sounds group “Women on the Wall,” and was a major hit! He shared important facts you should know, like about how Al Gore sold Current to Al Qaeda, President Obama is the most disingenuous prez since Nixon, and that the fiscal cliff deal was “a raping of the American people.” Total Democrat. But his biggest knowledge dropping headline making news was that America “is on the verge of an explosion.” That sounds very, very bad. We do not want to explode! Tell us, Pat, what could cause such a thing?

Oh gah. Debt. But, shockingly, no mention of the wars. His only military reference was how terrible repealing Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is. And Obamacare. EVERYONE hates it, except the majority of Americans nowadays. And raising anyone’s taxes. Okay, okay, stop being such a Democrat. But then there was this – “government no longer operates by the consent of the governed, it’s rigged against the ordinary citizen by lobbyists, special interests, and corruption, and as a Gallup poll announced today, two-thirds of Americans believe Congress cares more about retaining their power, even to the detriment of the country, than they do about serving and preserving the country.” Well, yeah, that sounds about right actually.

But what about a’sploding? Well, Mr. Caddell, who did work for Jimmy Carter, Old Handsome Joe Biden and a bunch of other Dems before he got all pissy and law-suity against his co-pollster pals in 1988 (when Rick Astley was singing “Never Gonna Give You Up”? Yes, that 1988) explains that these are “prerevolutionary conditions” and when that many American people know that Congress is on the take, they will certainly do something grassroots. Like what? Get off the couch? Pitchfork something? Vote? (No.)

So what have we learned? Well, nothing, but if you want to make bank AND Texas Conservatives stand up and cheer, call yourself a Democrat, say TeaTarded things, and always, always, VIVE LA REVOLUTION.