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Saturday, May 11, 2013

I Learned Something New

The other day when I was researching dirty words that start
with G for an
ABCs of Swearing Challenge post, I learned of a new thing. Well, not new in
general, just new to me. I hate it when I say to someone “I learned a new thing”
and then when I tell them what it is, the jackass comes back with, “That’s not
a new thing, that’s an old thing, I’ve known that for years." What a jerkoff thing to say to
somebody, I mean, really.

The thing of which I now have awareness is the girlfriend
zone. The girlfriend zone is where you are when you’ve told a guy that you’re
not romantically interested, but he keeps hitting on you anyway like he hopes
you’ll change your mind, or more likely, break down and give in. As we all
know, the best relationships are founded on at least one party’s desperate
sense of resignation and defeat.

And then the jagoff gets his panties in a knot when you keep
on not being interested in him no matter how many times he makes unwelcome
advances. The jerkwad might even go so far as to call you a tease and will
almost definitely cry to all of his jizzpuppet friends about how unfair and sad
it is that you haven’t come to your senses and realized you’re in love with him
yet, and might even call “dibs,” because you are definitely an object that can
be possessed and are never to be treated as though you had legal rights. The
friends will probably promise never to steal you, and they might even comfort
him by saying stupid jerkcircle things like, “It’s just a matter of time, bro.”

As soon as I learned about this thing, I had that awesome
feeling of discovery that you get when you find out something you didn’t know
had a name does, in fact, have a name, and since it has a name, it must be an
experience you share with many others. And then you feel a much better about
thinking the person who did this to you was a jerkass, even though most of the
people who know you both think that it was maybe a little funny.

And yes, guys,
there is such a thing as a boyfriend zone, which is what happens when a woman
does this to a man. Feel free to have your moment of discovery now.

I didn't know there was a word for it, but I was definitely "girlfriend zoned" by this totally jackalopedick in high school, and when I did end up dating a mutual friend he cussed us out and wouldn't even be at the same party as either of us, even after we broke up. Nothing makes your male privilege shine like girlfriend zoning somebody,

Ugh, I know. I had a dude once bang on my door at 8 in the morning (it may even have been earlier than that) because I had slept with one of his friends and he needed to inspect my *studio apartment* to see who I was hiding in there. Good grief.