Eager to cash in further on what seems to be everyone’s favorite season Autumn, Starbucks, the tax-evading and relentlessly ambitious ‘coffee’ mega-company has announced plans to broaden their range. A representative for Starbucks has kindly commented ‘after scrolling through Instagram for new inspiration, we realized that the same people who were buying our ‘spiced pumpkin latté’s ‘ were the same people who are eager to point out that where they live it is also Fall’ (the Starbucks representative is American and didn’t realize that it’s actually Autumn). Continuing, the representative added: ‘Since our customers seem to love taking photos of our drinks with the fallen amber and russet leaves as a prop, we thought why not take it further? Lets just collect the rotting leaves off of the ground and mush them down into a paste and they can enjoy the real Fall flavors to their full depth. And it’s going to be a Cappuccino so we don’t crowd the latté market.’

Craig, a friend who over heard this remark, opinionated, ‘why do people like Autumn so much, it’s the process of death, the process of darkness. And the idea of a Spiced Pumpkin Latté sounds fucking disgusting.’