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I live in Brooklyn where everyone is into pickling. Not me. What I do to buck this stupid trend is, I go to an outdoor market, say the Brooklyn Flea, and buy someone’s ridiculously handcrafted, artisanal pickles. Then I go home and remove all the vinegar, salt, and seasoning -- I turn them back into cucumbers, their natural state before some hipster messed with them. (It takes many hours of gently squeezing and wringing the pickles, so as not to tear their delicate fibers.) Then I'll take the revived cukes to the grocery store and set them free on the shelf, with their friends. I think they’re happy, though it’s pretty hard to tell with cucumbers. Some people don't like what I do. I’ve been called an "unpickled pecker" -- which is fine with me! At least I know I'm doing something to fight the unnecessary brining and fermentation of vegetables that everyone does now, just to be cool. Stop the brining...stop pickling!

Are corporations people? No, and here’s why… If a person promotes his or herself too much on Facebook & Twitter, it’s considered un-cool. If a corporation does, that’s just normal. Take, for example, me. Do I promote myself a lot? Yes. But not as much as Wendy’s. Do I annoy people by tweeting and posting about my show? Probably. But, you could say, my comedy show is pretty harmless compared to the Baconator. And they promote the Baconator 100,000 times more. Wendy’s is also not self-conscious about promoting the Baconator. That’s the difference between a corporation and a person. Case closed.

As you may have heard, Hostess, the maker of Twinkies (as well as Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, Snowballs, and Wonder Bread) has announced that it will liquidate. Yes, the Twinkie is on its deathbed. In order to prepare ourselves (psychologically, spiritually, gastronomically) for the post-Twinkie epoch, let us look at the five stages of grief that we’ll all (sooner or later, but inevitably) go through:

1)Denial. This is the stage that pretty much everyone is in right now. People will tell themselves, “Twinkies aren’t going anywhere”…“They last forever”…“Matter can neither be created nor destroyed," and other happy horseshit. At this stage, people might indulge more than usual, hoarding or binging on Twinkies before they are gone. People will realize how much they love Twinkies. They may begin incorporating them more into recipes, and many will gain weight as psychological “padding” between themselves and the non-Twinkie world.