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This year one of the things figured out is an apparent lack of ability to sense discomfort. It doesn’t apply to acute pain. Typically, this results in getting super amazingly sick to the point medical professionals wonder how I was wandering around unawares of the severity of the problem. General good health made this pattern less obvious but it’s slightly disturbing the alarm bells don’t go off.

The odd part is the psychological correlate. How long a problem is allowed to persist before manifesting. An acquired ability to endure through bad situations.

No matter how cavalier I am about L.G. coming to visit, there’s clear anxiety tap tapping.

I’m not sure I’m the relationship kind. I don’t really have any proof of the fact. My best romances are at a bit of a distance, the close ones have been volatile and very unhealthy – always in new ways. I’m sick of the variations and wonder if they’ll ever actually stop; how many ways can this problem manifest itself before it ends.

And I don’t know how to explain my relationship with my family, which every time I think I have a grasp of it appears to grow a new head. It’s not normal, but it’s not the normal kind of dysfunction either. There’s no tangible behavior and it’s something other people who know can see but appears to be invisible to everyone else. Like most things it’s spectrum. I worry about whether to explain it at all. His family is different. I fell in love with his mom immediately, she has this natural warmness, our conversation was the best conversation I’ve had with anyone’s parent – ever.

The anxiety is obviously irrational but has brought certain things to the surface to try and sort things out.