I came to the realization last night that I have felt more myself these past few days than I have in awhile. I am not certain how or when it set in, but I had felt withdrawn, unhappy, hopeless, and even when school and life were going well, I just couldn’t shake a feeling of guilt or the need to hide.

Why, you ask?

Some of the thoughts running through my head ranged from “You are not trying hard enough in school, do better.” to the more insidious “If you just worked at helping more, then your eldest’s emotional state would improve.”

As if her progressing Sensory Processing Disorder, ADHD, Generalized Anxiety, and Communication Disorder could be cured if I just found something that was the magic bullet, and in failing to do so, I was failing.

I hadn’t even seen the seeds sprouting, or the vines choking me, until I breathed free last night.

They are not my fault.

They were never my fault.

Any decisions that may have influenced her current diagnosis were made with the best planning and intentions possible.

Her being the way she is cannot be healed via me beating myself into dust to make amends.

I own my mistakes from the past, and forgive myself.

I fought to protect her, and confronted her abuser (my ex) about what he did to her.

My efforts are not undone when she has a bad day (even if it really feels like it).

I am strong enough to help her learn to become independent.

Doubt and fear is normal, but I can overcome them to become a better parent.

The road ahead is hard, unglamourous, and sometimes ugly, but we will make it.

I am allowed to wish for a break or time alone with my husband, that does not make me a bad mom.

I will not allow my fears or my anger to decide my actions, or how I interact with my daughters.

Breathing freely of the springtime air, and feeling cool winds upon my skin have cleansed away the clinging malaise of this winter.

We are stronger than these diagnoses, and we can remain a strong, healthy family unit despite our struggles.

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About darkbookworm13

I am a proud mom to 3 beautiful girls, and married to the love of my life.
I have been a practicing Witch since the summer of 2003, having studied many different paths over the years, ranging from Wicca, Goddess only worship (courtesy of StarHawk), Eclectic Paganism, Kitchen Witchcraft, Norse Paganism, Hearthcraft, Spiritual Luciferianism, and more.
I have worked with the Futhark runes, Brian Froud's Faeries Oracle deck, Tarot decks, and I am currently working on a customized divination set based on collected items.
I like to work with herbs, and gardening. I crochet and make handicrafts like wood burned items, paintings, drawings, toys, and hand sewn doll clothes for my daughters.
The only title I call my spiritual path is Witchcraft, as using magic entwines deeply with the worship of the Gods who call me Their own.
My Patron deity is Loki, who has chosen me as His kin.

One Response to Musings and thoughts

Having “lived” through an abusive relationship, more years ago than I can count, I think there is a guilt one feels at any happiness of personal.. we feel guilty if we do any little thing for ourselves and it takes so many years to shake it. We continue to beat ourselves up. Those of us lucky enough, reach a healing of sorts and realize we deserve love/happiness/even frivolity. You can only do what you can do and the best you can do.. there is no shame in that 🙂