Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Bump Into Your Former Husband At The Marshmallow Festival Day

Bump Into Your Former Husband At The Marshmallow Festival Day!

Your new husband read about the festival in his guidebook last night at the motel just outside of Indianapolis. The guidebook mentioned that there would be booths selling toasted marshmallows four to a skewer, but it didn't say Keith would be there doing the toasting.

"How'd you find me?" he'll ask.

"Well I certainly didn't look," you'll say.

He'll explain that when he ran off he thought he was doing what was best for both of you, because he felt like he had nothing but failure waiting for him at every turn. In the years that followed he's learned that he was just hypoglycemic and he didn't know it. He'll introduce himself to your new husband.

"He's a beaut!" Keith will tell you.

"Do you live here now?" you'll ask.

He'll say yes, for six months now he's lived in Ligonier. He had planned on it only being for a few weeks, but when he heard that the town was home to an annual Marshmallow Festival, he decided to find himself some work and stick around.

"You remember how much I loved marshmallows," he'll say.

"And festivals," you'll add.

He'll give you a thumbs-up. Then he'll ask your new husband for a word alone with you, to which your new husband will consent.

When Keith's got you alone, he'll tell you that he still loved you when he left and he's never stopped. He'll ask if you'd like to leave your new husband and stay there in town with him.

"Here?" you'll ask.

"Is there a Marshmallow Festival where you live?" Keith will ask, his hands on his hips with one eyebrow raised in superiority.

"No," you'll say.

Keith will say, "Then I rest my case."

Say, "No, I mean, no. I won't stay here with you. Fuck no would I ever stay with you."

Then walk away. Tell your current husband that if he'd like, he is welcome to shout at Keith over his shoulder, "Have fun trying to keep them from melting too much and falling off the sticks, jerkface."