Clinton Injected With Highly Unstable Experimental Growth Serum

Politics

WASHINGTON—Taking slow, labored breaths while clutching his distended abdomen, a bloated President Obama delivered a press conference Wednesday while seated on a couch several feet behind the podium in the White House briefing room.

URBANDALE, IA—Saying it was important that the candidate have a distinctive, relatable look, campaign consultant Brian Sims reportedly presented Republican presidential hopeful Scott Walker with several possible human sides to choose from Wednesday.

DES MOINES, IA—In an effort to accommodate the tremendous influx of presidential candidates pouring into the state, Iowa Republican Party officials announced Tuesday the construction of a massive town hall stadium to play host to the campaigning.

WASHINGTON—Noting that the field of presidential hopefuls currently exceeded maximum capacity, the Republican National Committee announced Monday it was offering a cash voucher to any GOP candidates willing to give up their spot in the 2016 race and run again in a later election.

Donald Trump made the financial disclosures this week required of all presidential candidates, divulging his job titles, assets, and other information in a 92-page report. Here are some things we learned about Trump in these documents

After 54 years of closure, the U.S. embassy in Havana and the Cuban embassy in Washington, D.C. each began flying their flags once more this week, a symbol of the restored diplomatic ties between the two nations. Here is what we can expect from the relationship going forward

WASHINGTON—After securing the 71-year-old to the hoist line of a crane and lifting him high overhead, officials at the Heritage Foundation think tank reportedly lowered retired GOP senator Saxby Chambliss into a giant vat of conservative policy experts Thursday.

BROOKLYN, NY—Hoping to send a message that this type of behavior would not be tolerated on the campaign trail, the Federal Election Commission announced Thursday that it had suspended Hillary Clinton for three weeks for spitting on one of her campaign volunteers.

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker formally announced Monday that he will run for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, bringing one of the frontrunners in early polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Walker

ARNOLDS PARK, IA—Appearing at a campaign event in the early primary state, real estate mogul and presidential candidate Donald Trump told an assembled group of dairy farmers Monday that his cows were 500 times bigger than theirs.

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Billionaire real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump announced Tuesday plans to run in the 2016 presidential election, marking the first time he will formally seek the Republican nomination after floating the idea in several previous election cycles. Here are some key facts to know about Trump:

Former Florida governor Jeb Bush announced his candidacy Monday for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, putting one of the early frontrunners in the polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts to know about Jeb Bush:

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DAVENPORT, IA—Expounding upon the many ways in which they’ve positively impacted the country at large, a tanned and impeccably coiffed Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) reportedly informed supporters gathered at a campaign stop Thursday that corporations actually have a tremendous amount to offer the American people.

Former Texas governor Rick Perry announced Thursday his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, hoping to fare better than he did in his unsuccessful bid for the Republican nomination in 2012. Here’s what you need to know about Perry:

South Carolina senator and retired Air Force colonel Lindsey Graham officially announced Monday that he will run in the 2016 presidential race, adding his name to the increasingly crowded Republican field. Here are some key facts to know about Graham

Former Maryland governor and Baltimore mayor Martin O’Malley announced Saturday that he will enter the 2016 presidential race, becoming the third Democratic hopeful to officially declare his candidacy. Here are some key facts to know about O’Malley:

Former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum announced his candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Wednesday, bringing the runner-up from the 2012 Republican primaries officially into the race. Here’s what you need to know about Santorum:

WASHINGTON—Arguing that the measure would help women fully understand the consequences of their decision, members of the House of Representatives introduced a new bill this week that would require anyone seeking an abortion to view images of the congressmen she will disappoint prior to undergoing the procedure.

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Barack Obama announced Tuesday that his presidential library will be built on the South Side of Chicago, with construction on the ambitious project due for completion by 2020 or 2021. Here are some features the new library will contain

ATHENS, GREECE—In a finding that provides new insight into the roots of Western civilization, a team of anthropologists from Cambridge University announced Monday the discovery of an ancient Greek super PAC that helped shape the world’s first democracy.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to aid and inform local residents ahead of next year’s presidential election, officials at urban polling centers across the nation recommended Thursday that those intending to cast ballots in 2016 should begin lining up now.

The result of two controversial 2010 federal court cases removing traditional restrictions on political action committee spending, super PACs are expected to have a significant influence on the results of the 2016 elections. Here is everything you need to know about super PACs

Former Arkansas governor and Fox News personality Mike Huckabee announced his 2016 presidential candidacy Tuesday, becoming the sixth Republican hopeful to officially enter the race. Here’s what you need to know about Huckabee

Retired neurosurgeon and rising conservative star Ben Carson announced his bid for the presidency Monday, the first African-American candidate of either major political party to do so. Here’s what you need to know about the Republican candidate:

Carly Fiorina, a former Silicon Valley executive, announced Monday her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election, becoming the first female Republican hopeful to officially launch a campaign. Here’s what you should know about Fiorina:

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Clinton Injected With Highly Unstable Experimental Growth Serum

WASHINGTON, DC—Forced to take desperate measures in a last-minute attempt to avert disaster and save the free world, President Clinton ordered top military scientists to inject his body with a highly unstable experimental growth serum Monday.

Military scientists prepare to inject Clinton with the controversial
superdrug.

"Earth is threatened on every side by danger. We must act now to save humanity," Clinton said in a prepared statement prior to receiving the untested super-serum. "Our rapidly fragmenting societal infrastructure faces myriad crises: drugs in our streets, guns in our schools, economic collapse in Asia, military aggression in Europe, and global environmental destruction creating an unstoppable army of six-legged mutant frogs. If nothing is done, disaster is imminent."

"This experiment, risky as it is, is a gamble I cannot afford not to take," Clinton said. "It may be our only hope."

The serum, still considered "extremely dangerous" by Pentagon researchers, was originally developed as a means of creating the ultimate fighting machine of the future, but rejected when initial readings indicated that it was too unstable to test on human beings. Despite being warned of the potentially disastrous consequences, Clinton demanded to undergo the controversial procedure.

"It's the only way," Clinton said. "Someone has got to take the risk."

Strapped into a chair and surrounded by bleeping equipment and digital displays in a laboratory located beneath the city, at exactly midnight Clinton was injected with the serum known outside of Department Of Defense high command only by the code name "Project Proteus."

The injection took place as scheduled, despite the 11th-hour protests of the serum's creator, Dr. Emilio Zardoz.

"Don't do it, Mr. President! It hasn't been properly tested!" Zardoz shouted, bursting into the lab just as technicians moved toward Clinton with a syringe. "In the name of science, man—stop before it's too late!"

In the confusion, the military scientists hesitated, unsure of whether to proceed, but Clinton countermanded Zardoz's urgings.

"Inject the drug!" Clinton said. "That is a direct order from the president of the United States!" When his command was not immediately obeyed—exhibiting what the scientists later called "heroic determination against all odds"—the president struggled free of one of the straps, grabbed the syringe from a technician, and administered the injection himself.

"I tried to warn him," Zardoz later told reporters, wiping his brow with the sleeve of his lab coat. "God help me, what have I done? Has science birthed a benevolent superhuman champion to save us all—or an inhuman mutation?"

White House spokespersons acknowledge the great risk undertaken by Clinton, but insist that he made the decision because "he had no other choice."

"We admit that the Project Proteus superserum was extremely unstable, and still required extensive research before it could be ruled safe," press secretary Stephen Drachler said Tuesday morning. "Yet, as the president himself pointed out, that could have taken months, and there simply wasn't time. Our situation grows more grim with each passing moment."

Drachler continued: "The interest on the national debt continues to swell, causing Earth to spiral ever closer to the sun. Baron Milosevic, although defeated for now, may return unexpectedly in future episodes, augmented by a powerful new missile-equipped Serbi-Suit. Clinton had to act now, before his enemies in Congress, working in conjunction with the Squadron Of Evil, finally complete work on the dreaded Bureauchronic Ray."

Several White House associates, including Zardoz himself, had begged to undergo the injection in Clinton's place in order to protect the office of the president from potential side effects of bioplasmorphic mutation. They report that Clinton refused, maintaining a courageous, patriotic stoicism in the face of their emotional pleas.

"The people of this country elected me to do a job, and I can't turn my back on them," Clinton said. "This is my fight. I am the president, and the responsibility must come down to me and me alone."

The second Clinton injected himself with the glowing, bright-green substance, chaos and confusion engulfed the lab. Clinton began to uncontrollably convulse, bolts of electricity shot out of his eyes, and his head jerked backwards, every muscle in his body straining.

"Power! Power beyond all imagining!" Clinton shouted. "The tortures of the damned! The swirling abyss of the void! I gaze into the very eye of God!" All the computers in the room then simultaneously exploded, showering the president in sparks as he collapsed, unconscious.

Many political analysts have come forward to denounce Clinton's move as a "rash action."

"This scenario leaves many unanswered questions," said Harvard political-science professor F. Jacob Hinden. "Will the president mutate and become an evil 'Anti-Clinton'? Will his controversial environmental-clean-up and tax-reform initiatives continue to be blocked in the Senate? And meanwhile, back at H.Q., will Buddy's malfunctioning Negato-Collar render him permanently invisible?"

Clinton is currently under 24-hour supervision, with doctors waiting to see if the serum will infuse him with superpowers or kill him.

If all goes well, doctors say, the president is expected to develop supergenius brain capacity, enhanced reflexes and agility, and the power of flight. In the event the serum drives Clinton mad and he escapes to wreak havoc on innocents, the National Guard unit mobilized on the White House lawn has been ordered to shoot him on sight.