Everything tastes better in the Hidden Valley of Death

There’s plenty of news, but none of it worth lampooning. And it’s a holiday week, so we’re all mailing it in. Admit it.

Devoid of substance and motivation, I will now continue this week’s meme of faux alarm that began with the blog about lawn watering. Fear mongering and news manipulation are the keys to success in the news business, and after 30 years of doing this, I am finally catching on.

Today’s installment: Salad Dressing

Death and buttermilk goodness from above.

Storms have battered the Midwest for the past two weeks, and the flood waters that followed caused billions in damages. But America’s greatest natural enemy used the natural disaster as a diversion to infiltrate our homes. It’s hitting us where we live — where we live!

Ranch dressing flooded several Clintonville, Ohio homes. The official story is that it leaked from a factory nearby. Those of us in the know about ranch dressing (TOUITKARD for short) understand the real implications here.

It’s the latest development in ranch dressing’s assault on America. It began with a simple dude ranch for rich people in California. Soon, it evolved into a cult. And now, it has taken over our youth. America is now a “big boned” nation and ranch dressing is the main culprit.

Great salads = the end of America

The “ranch” in ranch dressing is the Hidden Valley Ranch, which started in 1954 near Santa Barbara.

The owners began serving the dressing to dudes at the dude ranch. Once hooked on a creamy buttermilk flavor of the devil’s elixir, the owners began selling it in the ranch gift shop. Then it became viral, as Hidden Ranch Junkie Dudes began pushing the satanic salad dressing to their friends.

In 1972, Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing was sold to Clorox. Yes. The bleach company. That’s bleach, as in toxic for consumption. And bleach, as in “whitewashing.” Coincidence? I think not.

Today your salad. Tomorrow, the world

Ranch dressing is now the most popular salad dressing in the country. First, it was used as a baked potato topping. Then it became a regular fixture on the chicken strip and pizza scene. Now, it’s appearing in burgers and on french fries. Holy crap! What next? On hot dogs? Or basements?

TOUITKARD are eternally vigilant.

I blog every weekday about the Web, the world and culture. Check back throughout the day for updates. Catch up with what you’ve missed by clicking the links on the left. Share your opinion in the comments section. To reach me about items unrelated to blog content, send an email.