Are You in Love With a Controlling Perfectionist?

At the beginning of the courtship, the controlling perfectionistic man presents himself as a very good catch indeed. Meticulously dressed, exceedingly well-mannered, conscientious, hard-working and considerate, the controlling perfectionist presents himself as a very good catch indeed. He is so thoughtful that he remembers your birthday by giving you a front row ticket to the concert of your favorite band andtakes you there in a rented private limo. Heck, he even celebrates your mother's birthday and takes her to her favorite concert and then afterwards caps that off by planting a small orchard of her favorite fruit trees!

This guy is amazing! Diligent, hard-working, attentive, he always seems to say and do the right things.

As the relationship progresses however, there appears to be a darker side to his controlled and reserved nature. Their initial ardor soon disappears and he begins to rarely show affection. If you ask them, for example, to say the words "I love you" they will reply with comments such as "I wouldn't be here if I didn't love you". Or "I told you already I love you. I'll let you know if that changes." He never seems to want to make a connection with you and always find some excuse. When you try to schedule some together time, you find that he is "just too busy".

Things worsen when he begins picking on you for nearly anything. "Do you have to chew so loudly; must you scratch your feet before you put on your shoes; do you always chew your gum so loudly?" Or even things like "Are you gaining a few pounds? You could run with me if you would only get up at five o'clock in the morning like I do." Nothing seems to please them, they seem to have a knack for finding the 1% that is wrong and ignoring the 99% that is good.

Moreover you find that he is intensely finicky, controlling and critical. Everything must be done his way. The dishes have to go into the dishwasher is way, the pool cover must come off at exactly the same date each year, and the car must be driven only at a certain speed. The neighbors don't cut their grass correctly; your best friend never combs his hair right, your mother talks too loud. And, yes it is true; they are always "secretly correcting your grammar." You find that nothing you do is good enough. In spite of all of your best efforts; and believe me, you have probably tried just about everything, they are "Impossible to Please".

Things progress from bad to worse. The once ardent lover's lovemaking becomes mechanical and antiseptic. They become emotionally detached and indifferent. You learn that they are only attentive in matters of intimacy because it is the "right thing to do"; not because they feel like doing it.

So who are these people and how did they get that way? Perfectionistic and controlling people; especially when they are extreme in these behaviors are referred to as having Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder by psychologists. According to DSM -5, personality disorders are a unique group of psychological disorders in which there is an "enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual's culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early adulthood, is stable over time, and leads to distress or impairment. Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, according to DSM-5, is a particular type of personality which there is a "pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental and interpersonal control, at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts..." Some other symptoms include preoccupation with details rules and lists, excessive devotion to work, over conscientiousness, being scrupulous and inflexible about matters of morality and ethics, and ability to discard worn out or worthless objects as well as stubbornness, miserliness, and insistence upon doing things their own way. (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition, 2013.

One of the unique characteristics of Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder is the fact that these individuals often see their symptoms as virtues. This makes them think, feel and behave quite different than other types of mental disorders. Thus the person with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder would not see nor accept their controlling perfectionism; rather they would claim that they believe in doing things correctly and that other people should as well as them. Alarmingly, most of these individuals go through life thinking that they really have no interpersonal issues and are perfectly normal; perhaps even super normal.

One thing that many people do not know about the controlling perfectionist is that they are just as critical with themselves as they are with others. Thus, they are their own worst enemy. Arguing with them or pointing out their flaws only serves to validate their concerns regarding their own shortcomings thereby making the argument escalate as they argue vehemently to defend themselves.

The thing to keep in mind is the fact that these individuals have a distorted view of human perfectionism. They set the standards way too high, far above what any human could achieve. Thus they feel they are always falling short, yet they keep striving. Worse yet, they inflict the same ridiculously high standards on others as well.

So what can you do if you're involved with one?

In our latest book, Impossible to Please: Dealing with Perfectionistic Coworkers, Controlling Spouses and Other Incredibly Critical People, (Lavender and Cavaiola, 2012), we offer many suggestions on how to manage the controlling perfectionist in your life. Here are some suggestions:

First of all, you need to recognize that you are not this defect laden person who they see you as. He is not some personality expert in human behaviors who is qualified to proclaim which of your personality traits and behaviors are acceptable and which isn’t. Sure, it's difficult to keep your self-esteem when the person you love is hammering away at you night and day. But this is no place for the faint hearted, so stand your ground and lose the idea that they are in any position to deem you worthy or not. Take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself the question "am I relying too much on this individual for my self-esteem? Am I an approval seeking people pleaser?" If you answer that question yes you will need to address your own issues before you go on to interact effectively with your controlling perfectionist.

Secondly keep in mind that their controlling and perfectionistic nature is not your responsibility. You didn't cause it. Moreover, you can't change them. And don't even think about curing them; you won't. Forget about trying to give them a "personality overhaul". Although these individuals can do very well in psychotherapy, therapeutic improvements usually take time and should best be handled by professionals well-trained in the treatment of personality disorders.

Also, bear in mind that the controlling perfectionist thinks they're normal and any attempt at telling them that they are critical will usually go nowhere. You'll find they usually respond by making such remarks as "listen, things are either right or they're wrong. Do you have something against doing things right? Isn't the world screwed up enough without one more person screwing it up even more?"

Look for teachable moments, such as when you're controlling perfectionist expresses genuine emotion or gives up some of their control. In other words, when he expresses his true human nature with all its frailties and blemishes and lets down his guard momentarily. Express your appreciation but then let it go. Don't talk it to death with remarks such as "Remember when you let me pick the vacation? You had fun right? If you did it before why don't you do it again this time?" Recognize the fact that they're letting down their guard and being human; that's right, truly human and not some distorted perfectionistic machine that they sometimes think they are. Just be accepting. Respond nonverbally, for example by squeezing their hand or simply kissing them on the cheek.

These will all go a long way in helping you to transform your relationship.

Impossible to Please... by Drs. Lavender and Cavaiola

And don't forget to check this column regularly. Both I and my colleague Dr. Alan Cavaiola will be blogging regularly to give you more insights on the "Impossible to Please" person in your life!

It's common for codependents to be perfectionists. Striving for perfection holds the appeal of reversing their low self-esteem and underlying shame. Unfortunately, attempting the impossible leads to inevitable failure, thus reinforcing the problem they're attempting to avoid.
Darlene Lancer
Author of Codependency for Dummieswww.whatiscodependency.com

Thanks for this thoughtful comment. I agree. Both are C cluster (anxious) personality disorders and you often see overlap in these folks. Some similarities are external locus of control, not feeling adequate and both can be "people pleasers". Shame seems to underly many personality disorders.
Thanks again.
Neil Lavender

And not in a "social anxiety" kind of way. They grew up in an emotional and physical warzone where they did everything required just to survive. Shame had little to do with it. And they don't know how to not-survive, so they keep surviving through life. Each day is another minefield, praying something (or someone) doesn't go horribly wrong. It's like living your an entire life on a tightrope! Too much terror to even think about shame!

A very helpful article that has helped me understand more this characteristic in my wife. Over the years I have kept notes about situations, discussions, arguments, not to use to point or blame but to understand. Reading this article sounded like reading my notes especially about the early years changing. My wife and I have been married 49 years 1 month and I don't see her changing for her good, not just for me. I am sure I have traits that are troubling to her.

This article has helped me to know someone else sees this personality as I have experienced living with it, and that I have not been making up the idea.

Wow! After reading this it made me feel like this is what I've been living and it exists...its not just me over reacting. My ex boyfriend has this mental disorder and what's sad is that I have a three month old with him and I wish that we could be a "normal" family. It has caused me lots of pain and greif in our relationship. I noticed myself becoming co-dependent and its just a battle back and fourth like we feed of making each other feel bad and good and then the cycle continues. I now realize that I can't make him change but I have hope. We are currently seperated. I keep hoping that he will realize his actions and come to his senses. I guess I just have to except that he most likely won't change. He is willing to go to counseling together because he also suffers from PTSD, but I don't think he knows he is like this, or if the counseling will help our relationship.

Wow! After reading this it made me feel like this is what I've been living and it exists...its not just me over reacting. My ex boyfriend has this mental disorder and what's sad is that I have a three month old with him and I wish that we could be a "normal" family. It has caused me lots of pain and greif in our relationship. I noticed myself becoming co-dependent and its just a battle back and fourth like we feed of making each other feel bad and good and then the cycle continues. I now realize that I can't make him change but I have hope. We are currently seperated. I keep hoping that he will realize his actions and come to his senses. I guess I just have to except that he most likely won't change. He is willing to go to counseling together because he also suffers from PTSD, but I don't think he knows he is like this, or if the counseling will help our relationship.

Thanks for the input. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate but the good news is he is willing to go for counseling. Perhaps his addressing the issues he is having with PTSD might eventually help his other issues as well.
Best wishes to you!

I have lived with this man for thirty years. I stayed with him for the kids. When the children were gone, I hoped he would change the controlling behaviors. Everything in the article matched his behaviors. Last year he burned all his clothing in our big grill, spoke of leaving, living under a bridge. He wanted me to let him control my pay check. Therefore he stopped working and sit home until we lost everything. At times he would move all my clothing from our bed room, if i went out of town to visit our kids on hoildays . We are living apart for now, we don't have a home again. I am getting afraid of him. Should I be? Could he hurt me some day?

Thank you for your comment. This certainly seems to be a severe case of control.
It is difficult to answer your questions from my position. My advice to you would be to get the best professional help you can; especially as you seem to be concerned about your safety. This sounds serious.
You have all my prayers and best wishes to be able to move on in your life.
Dr. Lavender

I've married almost a year now and living together is at times (for me) pure hell. Trying to adjust to how perfect and precise everything in the home has to be. He did renovations prior to us marrying so we have a very nice clean home (which I like) the problem is since living together as husband & wife I have managed to scratch, dent or damage something in the home and I struggle with low self-esteem and feel unworthy with certain comments made or the speeches I've endured like I'm some child is bothersome to me. It's like I have to do things to continue to appease him. I like walking barefoot but continue to get lectures of how dirty the floor is and then it turns into how I get in bed with dirty feet and obvious bother him if I accidently touch his. What is the underlying issue with this man? from how to use a paper towel so crumbs don't go all over the place to the bathroom sink not being wipe if water is on or around the faucets......What have I married? and how can I cope or manage his upbringing because everything is the way he was bought up and taught. I am this person who does things wrong in his eyes or even dirty. I do love him and the relationship started in the similar way described. Help me please

Your comment really resonated with me. I could relate to it a lot with my husband, especially the bit about being treated like a child. When we disagree he calls me "disobedient." He doesn't want me walking around barefoot either. And he has crazy high picky standards for food, but he grew up in a house where his mother was amazing and did everything and still didn't meet his standards — he used to throw out half his dinners in secret — so he doesn't know how to achieve them himself. Life with him feels like a constant battle to meet his basic needs and I don't even know if it is possible. I wish I could have a break and just eat easy meals without worrying about the long list of foods that he doesn't eat and the specific ways everything needs to be prepared.

Greetings;
Wow, sounds like this is a real serious problem, tough to address this through the internet.
Why not seek out professional counseling? It would be well worth it if it can help you turn things around. Don't be afraid to ask a prospective therapist if they have experience working with personality disordered people.

Your article describes me in so many ways, and I know I am making my husband unhappy yet just cannot seem to stop. We're definitely codependent; the more he does what I ask or quietly pulls away from me, the more critical I get about every...stupid...thing. (You just wouldn't believe the stuff I can obsess about.) I keep wishing he would confidently stand up to me and say something like, "Are you kidding? Get a grip, girl!" But instead he just gets more hurt and withdraws even more. I am truly aware of my issues and wish I had some kind of mantra to help me get through my day without nit-picking everything to death. I need some behavioral suggestions that have a chance of working. What do you suggest? The last thing I tried to tell myself was: "Every time you open your mouth to ctiticize, you guarantee he will love you less. Is that the choice you are opting for?" But my behaviors are so entrenched, I speak (and criticize) before even recalling the thought. Help!

I recently broke up with a boyfriend that I would describe as Narcisitic. We both met at a time in my life where I had just lost my father and he had just lost his mother. Now looking back, both parents we lost were extremely narcisistic people. We grew up like them thinking that we had no fault and that the other was always to be improved or in the wrong. Hopw silly of me to not have realized that I was in many ways looking at a mirror. This article served me as a break-through, at least now I now that not only do I have to deal with being a co-dependent which is what I have labeled myself to be for the past years, but I am also a narcisistic.

I hope I don't put my children through the hell that I went through and somehow I feel that, without knowing I was becoming my father. Rigid and obsessed with doing thinks a certain way" the rigth way". Thanks for opening my eyes, maybe now I can look inward and fix me first, before I go out there and point the finger at another human being.