Sexual Abuse as a child

Monthly Archives: February 2015

Yesterday I was able to hold my grand daughter and so was did my husband. My husband said, “This Saturday goes down in the record books as the best Saturday ever.” It made me think, yes, it’s the small little wonders in life that make life worth living. As I held her little fingers and kissed her little head, it made me feel so alive. I cannot dwell on my vast array of mistakes or my molestation any more. I can move on, try to raise awareness, but I am no longer angry about it, not that I quit wishing justice had been served, I just cannot stay in victim mode, because I’m not. I am a survivor that is flourishing. I wish that I had a mother, and I wish my real father were alive, I wish my mom would get help and there could be a new beginning, but there may never be that chance, so I don’t dwell in the what could be’s. I look at the good things in life, although simple, they make me smile on the inside and out.
My friend there is hope, you don’t have to be the constant victim, you do not have to dwell in what has happened to you. Get the help you need, you must for recovery, you won’t ever forget, this I know. You can live a full life though. Anger, hatred, and being vindictive will only hurt you. Do what you must to move on, you can be even better than what you were before, because, you survived and you are strong.

My friend Jori Nunes wrote a book called Chocolate Flowers, that is fiction based on true life experiences, about the sexual abuse she endured as a child at the hands of her own biological mother to whom had serious mental illness. I was disappointed in the Dr. Phil show yesterday, as my friend, Jori was on it, trying to raise awareness on the subject of sexual abuse. Instead she was attacked by her own brother, that wasn’t even alive for most of the actual sexual abuse, he wasn’t even born yet. She was called a liar, and the show didn’t even cover the effects of childhood sexual abuse, which is what Jori wanted along with help for her and her siblings. Well, I wish that Dr. Phil’s producers had been more interested in raising awareness on childhood sexual abuse instead of ratings. Please Dr. Phil have another show, (if Jori would even appear on it now), and rectify this situation. I love you Jori and those of us who have the pleasure of knowing you, are honored to know you.

As you go through life, especially living in a small town, it’s a given that you will eventually come face to face with your past. Good or bad, your fault or the fault of someone else.
Sunday, at church, I came face to face with the people that helped throw me and my two girls, 11 years ago, out on the street. We had no where to live except my mother’s house, AKA, (stepfather/molester’s) house.
I was given a kind courtesy call first though, so I was prepared. The two people, my ex-mother and ex-father in law from my second marriage. They are the type of people that think they are above reproach and can intimidate anyone, if it serves their purpose. The can’t intimidate me. I hope, honestly, that they have changed. I hope they are able to see how wrong they were, 11 years ago, and maybe even apologize. So far, I see no remorse in either of them. As for me, I will be the bigger person, I refuse to sink to their level or mirror their behavior. It also doesn’t mean I have to chit chat, or have a conversation with them though. Forgiveness Not Permission!!!!! So J & J, I hope God convicts you of the way you treated two innocent little girls and the wife of your son in 2004!

I am so overwhelmed with the love I have for my granddaughter. She just seems so perfect. How could my mother, ignore her family to stay with a molester. Can anyone answer this question for me? It’s not that I ever expect her to, I know better. I just don’t understand that mind set. An innocent child, me, my daughters, my granddaughter. She gave them all up to stand behind a man that has no self respect or respect for others. I try to not be angry, I think I have dealt with it, then I see and innocent baby. How? How my dear, ignorant mother can you live with what you’ve decided and done. I am disgusted with you. You are a disgrace to the word, “Mother”. How dare you give all of us up for him. You are a disgrace to all mothers, and grandmothers, not to mention, a human being. I hope you have nightmare about what could have been, if you had made the right choices. You are ignorant and selfish, you will live a lonely life in solitude. Be afraid of your future, when he is gone, all of your true family will NOT be there for you. You chose your destiny. Live with it, and feel cheated, it was in your hands. You dropped the ball!!!! LOL

I heard something on a TV series today, What If. You can spend your life asking that question. What if I had a different mother, what if I had never been sexually abused, what if I hadn’t made such bad choices….. Does that help you move forward? No! It keeps you stuck in the past and in a fantasy world. Life is life, bad things happen, the survivors thrive. I am a survivor, and the bad things, like it or not have made me what I am. What am I? A wise, well rounded, survivor. Tough, straight forward and to the point. I tell you what I think, and that’s the way it is. I am transparent and honest. Don’t do it. Don’t play the What If game!

My perspective has changed so much as I get older and now as of 2/2/2015, I became a Grandmother, (Mi Mi). I have made it through all of the crap to see the positive. I am alive, I am a mother, a stepmother, and now, a Mi Mi. I am blessed. So no more what if’s, it is the now!! Now I am wise, now I am a survivor, NOW I AM HAPPY!!!!!