After much thought and planning, I have moved this site to www.ljmaggie.com. My web designer and I have been hard at work to make it live which is why I haven’t posted in a while. I also have a Facebook Fan Page, www.facebook.com/ljmaggie.

…you can’t walk the next day. (Warning- this post is for adult eyes only!)

M and I had made plans to see each other on Wednesday for an early celebration of our favorite holiday, Cinco de Mayo, and also to see each other before he leaves for the next nine to ten months. We hadn’t seen each other since right after I was in the hospital and since we wouldn’t be seeing each other for the rest of the year, I knew it would be an afternoon of mixed emotions. I was feeling sad on my way there because I knew I wouldn’t see him for a while. When I saw him he had a huge smile on his face. We settled in a booth in the back, ordered our usual of margaritas and the combo fajita plate, and talked. We talked mostly about his work and then it switched to us. He told me how much he appreciates me and our friendship. He thanked me for being so understanding of his crazy schedule and always being so good to him. When he said that I thought he was going to tell me he didn’t want to see me anymore. So I told him of course I understand we have known each other for six years and if at any point I didn’t like it anymore I could have walked away. I told him he has been a good friend too because he has seen me through some highs and lows and always listens to me when I need it. Then he told me that he thinks about me all the time. He also told me he didn’t take the job where he would be gone for the rest of the year. Instead he took one where he would only be gone for a few months and would be coming back and forth. I was one happy girl.

Then I told him I have been reading Fifty Shades of Grey. He said he has heard of it but wanted to know what it is about. I told him the story and about the relationship the two main characters have. His eyes lit up a bit. Then he started talking about different things he wants to experience with me. While we were waiting for the check he grabbed my arms and started putting his hands under the sleeves of my sweater and rubbing my arms. He was getting antsy to leave. After what seemed like forever we got our check, paid and left.

We walked next door to the hotel that has become so familiar to us. When we walked in the room, it was nothing like it had been before. He grabbed me, pulled me close and started kissing me. He wouldn’t let me go. He apologized for being so aggressive and I told him he doesn’t have to apologize I like it. He said he is obsessed with me, in a good way of course. After what seemed like 10 minutes of making out, he let me escape to the bathroom for a minute while he poured us shots of tequila. I came out in nothing but my sweater, lacy boy short and heels. He liked what he saw, got undressed and pulled me into bed. He continued kissing me and eventually everything but my heels were off. He pulled me on top of him and made sure I enjoyed every minute. He told me this has been building up for years. It is always good with him but something inside of him lit up because the sex was even more intense than ever. It was the best five hours ever (this of course includes our lunch and the nap we took).

Then it was time for him to leave, I gave him a hug and kiss and he was off until the next time. I went home with a smile on my face, replaying the afternoon in my head.

Thursday morning I woke up sore from the neck down and I think I pulled a muscle. Oh yes it was that good.

The day before JS came over for dinner night in I asked him why someone that much younger. At first he said he hadn’t thought about it and asked me, “Why does it bother you for some reason?” Umm F*ck yes it does, is what I really wanted to say but instead I told him I was just curious and that I have another guy friend who is dating someone 12 years younger than himself (this is true). JS told me he hadn’t thought about it but he finds that 40-something women don’t want to date. I almost had to laugh when I got that message. What 40-something women is he talking to? Obviously not single ones. So I asked him if he meant more casual dating. Honestly that is what I was thinking he meant but he said, “Not necessarily, just in general”. Then I said I am sure there are some and even older 30-somethings that do but as long as you are happy. After that I switched to talking about what time he was coming over the next day.

That Friday he came over and things were awkward. I didn’t notice it right away but as the night went on I did. It wasn’t anything he said or did, it was the fact he wasn’t saying much of anything. We had dinner, he took the plates into the kitchen and when we were ready for dessert, he plated it up and served it. We watched a movie and then watched one of the TV shows I have on DVD. He asked me about a couple of characters on the show and we even laughed a bit. There was one instance when his phone vibrated but he took it out of his pocket, turned it off and put it back in his pocket. When he went to leave I gave him a hug like I usually do and he was weird about that. He even hesitated a bit before he walked out the door.

I thought about it more after he left and asked him if everything was okay because he was so quiet.An hour and a half later he finally responding he said he was okay but it is frustrating getting a question like that while he was on his way home and wouldn’t it be better to ask him that before he left or the next time I see him. I told him I wasn’t trying to frustrate him and I thought about it after he left. Then no response all weekend.

That Monday I asked him if he ever got a call about the item he lost when we went to the amusement park and also about the midnight showing of an upcoming movie. He told me he is pretty busy these days and if I wanted to make other plans that was okay. So I suggested going sometime over opening weekend and also asked him if actually meant he didn’t have time to go with me at all. He told me he would let me know but pretty sure the midnight showing was a no-go. Okay why didn’t he say that in the first place. Why all of the beating around the bush? Then I told him it was good I asked him that question on Friday because it sounds like I won’t see him for a while. No response. I was able to find someone to go with me for opening weekend of the movie and told JS that the next day. Again no response.

After talking with friends about it I got a few thoughts on what is going on: there is trouble in paradise with the new girl, he wanted to talk to me about something or he wanted to start something with me.

On Saturday JS and I went to a local amusement park. Since it was Spring Break it meant spending a good part of the day standing in line. Since we hadn’t seen each other in a couple of weeks, we talked a lot about writing, family, movies and of course the rides. It was a great day and the longest we have spent together in months. (And yes we are still just friends.)

Since we had so much fun that day, on Monday I asked him if he would like to do dinner in, either order in or I cook, and watch a movie sometime this week. He said sure and suggested Thursday or Friday. I immediately said Friday. He said he would have to check his schedule as he has started seeing someone and his schedule isn’t as open. Now I sort of had a feeling he was seeing someone because on Saturday while we were talking about a movie he said he went to go see it, which I thought was strange because when I had mentioned the movie weeks before it sounded like he had no desire to see it. I had also asked him if he got talked into it and he said yes. Normally when he gets talked into a movie by his friends he will mention their names, this time he did not.

So I told him I had a feeling he was seeing someone but wasn’t sure then asked how long it has been. He told me about a month and taking it as it goes. I then asked how they met. He told me they me met at work which is tricky. Well naturally because dating someone you work with is not always ideal. My next thought was she must be closer to his age, (JS and I are nine years apart.), so I asked him. He said no she is 30. WTF? I honestly felt like someone had stabbed me in the stomach. It wasn’t because he started seeing someone, though that didn’t help, it was the fact that this girl is 14 years younger than him. I told him I was even more confused because she is even younger than me but quickly apologized for that statement. He seemed to understand. I told him if he doesn’t have time for me, it would suck because I don’t want to lose him as a friend, but I would understand. He told me us being friends would never change no matter if he is seeing someone or whom and he would spare me further details. I told him it is fine, I would just need a day to process and figure out why not me. It was a valid point and I asked him if it was something I did or didn’t do or something I said or didn’t say. He said there is no such thing to have or not have it is way more complicated and confusing than that but it can feel that way.

Umm yeah it is way more confusing. What does this 30-year-old have that I don’t? Granted when I was 30 I had been separated from my ex for little over a year, M and I had known each other a year(he is 10 years older than me and we weren’t dating but for a reason other than age), and I had just gotten out of a relationship with someone who was six years older than me. So I had been through quite a bit but I couldn’t imagine dating someone 14 years older than me. In my twenties I dated someone who was 12 years older than me but even that was more of a just a casual thing.

And on his side, what does he have in common with this girl? There are things from his childhood that he talks about that sometimes I don’t even know about or remember. It’s all so weird to me.

The even weirder thing is he said we can do dinner night in on Friday. Shouldn’t he be going out on a date with his new woman on Friday night and not doing dinner night in with a friend? I’m not complaining though.

Last week RC got into an argument or more I got upset with him. I saw that he was going to be performing locally so I asked him if I could get a ride home after. He said sure and might be able to get me into the gig for free and then asked if after we could hook up. We have had the discussion before about why this isn’t a good idea. I have told him before that I don’t want casual sex anymore with anyone. (I of course don’t tell him about M because he doesn’t need to know about that.) I have told him before that I want to find someone to have a relationship with and won’t be able to if I am sleeping around with people. He then tells me that we were so good together and we both have needs.

Well of course we both have needs and it is tough for me too. (And for as little I see M, trust me it is very tough for me.) He keeps trying to push the issue and in his words, “You suck”. I ask him again why he can’t understand where I am coming from and why do we keep having the same discussion. He tries to compliment me by telling me how much he enjoyed sex with me. I told him I enjoyed it too but I just can’t anymore because that is all you want, you don’t want a relationship with me.

He then said he doesn’t know why he keeps asking. My guess is he is hoping my answer will be different.

Then when I asked him if he still wanted to do lunch or something before he leaves again, he said he is trying to save money. I told him I could pay for myself but no response. Now he is gone for seven weeks. I probably won’t ever see him again because it seems every time I suggest we hang out, he wants sex and I tell him no. Then he gets upset and doesn’t want to do anything. I told him to find a girl who wants something casual.

I get that he has needs, I have them to, but don’t judge me because I want something more than ‘just casual’.

I realize that I haven’t posted since my birthday last month and a few things have happened since then.

School has been busy, my screenwriting class is exciting and we had to turn in our short outline/pitch for our screenplay idea. The idea is visually forming in my head which makes it exciting. I also met someone and we had two dates, even though after each one I was wondering if he liked me or not. I could be honest with him and found out he is just very shy.

Then the big scare happened. I was coming back from school and a quick run to Target and my chest started to hurt. I though maybe it was from carrying my backpack and shopping back or even heartburn. I spent the night relaxing and even had a healthy salad for dinner. The pain was not lessening at all and spread into my right armpit and neck. Now I was getting worried. I called the on-call nurse and she recommended I call 911. The paramedics came, ran some tests and asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. I decided it is better to be safe than sorry. I went in, they did lab work and x-rays but couldn’t find anything. I also went in for the fun treadmill stress test and everything there was good. Doctor has said everything was fine and just might have been stress or exhaustion.

I did get to see M before he possibly leaves for the next nine months. It was good to see him after the big scare because it made me feel even better.

Then that guy I went on two dates with, cancelled on me 45 minutes before we were supposed to meet up for our third date. He told me he just wasn’t feeling it and apologized. I made sure to tell him it was pretty crappy to cancel on me with such short notice and he should have said something sooner. He said he just wanted friendship. But I haven’t talked to him since and have no plans to.

The even bigger news is I will be having a new website coming soon. My graphic designer just finished my logo and it looks great. Let me know what you think!

I have been having a hard time with this birthday. I told my friends I was going to be like Charlotte from Sex and the City and celebrate 34 again. I had a similar celebration like she did as my friends and I met up in Las Vegas last weekend. We stayed at the MGM, did a VIP Club Crawl, saw Frank Morino’s Divas of Las Vegas (which I highly recommend), ate great food, did some shopping and of course some gambling. I did win a little bit. I also got to see my cousin and her family before I left.

I guess the reason I have been having trouble is because I am not where I thought I would be at this age. I thought I would be in a long-term relationship. It has been especially hard because I have had many friends get married or have babies in the past three years. And everyone keeps saying, “Don’t worry it will happen when you least expect it”, honestly a line I am sick of hearing. It has been tough but good things have already been happening, and I have a great support system.

When I started this blog it was not long after a bad relationship. The person had tore me down lower than I ever thought possible. Since then I have been on good dates and some really bad dates.

A couple of weeks ago I had a bad, an interesting and a good date. Two of the dates are guys I started talking to from Plentyoffish.com and the other was JS.

The first date was bad. The guy got to the outdoor mall we were meeting at a few minutes before I got there. When I arrived he hadn’t figured out a restaurant for us to go to. He did bring me purple lilies which was sweet and I told him. We decided on The Cheesecake Factory and the food was good. The conversation was okay. I could tell he was a bit nervous and well I wasn’t really that interested in him. After dinner we walked to our next stop, mini golf. As we were walking there he told me that he has been on the site for six months and I am the first who has agreed to go out with him. I started to feel a little bad for him but he kept saying it over and over and thanking me. I was getting turned off because he didn’t stop talking about it. We played mini golf and arcade games. Then on the way to my bus stop (yes I’m still without a car), he was saying again about how happy he was I agreed to go out with him. When I found out the bus I wanted to take was not leaving for another 15 minutes he said, “Good more precious time to spend with you”. It was a just a little much for me after one date. Days later I sent him a message saying with everything going on with my family I am not up for dating.

The second date of the week was POF guy number two, the interesting date. We met up at a bar/restaurant. We sat at the bar, ordered beer and food and talked. He was a nice guy, good looking and likes sports. Already things were going good until the check came. He told the bartender to run the card he gave her when we sat down. She ran it and then asked him if he had a different card. He was embarrased and started to check his bank balance on his phone. After scrolling through his phone he showed me that he didn’t have enough to pay the bill. REALLY? How do you not know how much money you have in your account? He then said he remembered he bought gas earlier. Again REALLY? So then we had to split the check but he insisted on paying the tip. I was not happy. He kept apologizing and telling me he wants to make it up to me. We walked around a bit and then there was the kiss. It wasn’t one of those where the moment was there and it happened. It was us walking next to each other, we stopped and he pulled me towards him. It was a little awkward. I let him drive me home and we kissed again. Still a little awkward.

The third date was dinner and a movie with JS. So I guess it isn’t really wasn’t a date since JS and I are just friends, but it was the best one of the week. And when he drove me home, he gave me a hug and a quick kiss on the lips. The kiss threw me off because we haven’t even been close to doing that in months.

My start to 2012 was a bit of a roller coaster, which is why I haven’t posted in a while. After midnight on new years eve, I started talking with that guy I met at the bar on Christmas day. He told me about himself and there was lots of flirting. Then at 4am, yes I said 4am, the bar was closing. This guy offered to take me home. I being a bit intoxicated didn’t tell my older brother and sis-in-law that I had a ride home. I thought they were also leaving. The guy drove me home and we sat in my parents’ driveway making out, which is all that happened. We were stopped by my brother knocking on the window. He was worried about me. With that I got out of the car and headed into my parents’ house. My dad was pretty upset that no one can find me. but by morning all was forgiven. I am still in touch with that guy and hopefully will see him when I go back home.

Then a couple of weeks ago, some of my clothes were stolen from the laundry room. I think I know who did it but I can’t prove it. Still upset about it but that is nothing compared to what happened a couple days later, I got a call from my mom saying my uncle passed away suddenly. It was sudden as he was very healthy. I had just chatted with him the week earlier about my upcoming trip to Las Vegas for my birthday. I was going to spend the last day hanging with him and my cousins. We were both very excited about it. I was in shock when my mom told me the news, I didn’t cry because I didn’t want to believe it was true. He was a great man and will be dearly missed. We know though that he is making his way back to my aunt who passed away five years ago.

Last week my mom called me and told me that my oldest brother was taken to the hospital. They thought it was a heart attack but after testing they ruled that out. He does have something in his neck and back that is hereditary and they doctors are trying to talk him into back surgery. My brother is now back home which is great news.

Then my little brother got news that his ex, my nephew’s mother, went crazy at the hospital. It always worries us when this happens but everything is okay and my nephew is safe.

It has been a lot to handle but I am making it through and have some great friends.

The new year is starting out with a bang for a lot of people, including myself. For me it is mostly because I had such a great holiday week.

In November, my dad called me to say that as mine and my mom’s Christmas present he was paying for my plane ticket back home for the holidays. Tickets were not cheap and I just couldn’t pay for it myself so I was very excited. We decided to keep it a surprise from the rest of the family. Which we did manage to do but my dad did tell my uncle the week before I got there, it must have been during happy hour.

The night before I left JS and I celebrated the holidays. It was a low-key night of staying in with Chinese food, gifts and watching movies. It was also the second time we have hung out since October when he told me we should just be friends. It was a good night.

I flew out on Christmas Eve and headed for the Midwest. My parents and my 9-year-old nephew came to the airport to pick me up. My nephew was surprised as he also didn’t know I was coming. We made our way to my older brother’s house for our family celebration. When we got there my younger brother was so excited to see me he was crying. Everyone was so shocked and excited to see me there especially since I threw them off the track the day before saying I would Skype with them again this year. The day was filled with kids, great food and my amazing family.

Christmas Day my parents and I headed to the bar to watch the Packer game. While we were there, I met someone who I saw again on New Years Eve (more about that later). New Years Eve my brothers and I went out with my parents, no little kids allowed. It was a great night and my parents were so happy to have their children together and go out with them.