No, I’m not married

I’ve gotten a bunch of emails from readers asking why they never heard about my wedding. Several months ago I switched my “status” on MySpace (who knew you were checking that out?) to ‘married.’ Why? Well, for me MySpace is a place to reconnect with friends from high school and college, to keep up with past and present coworkers and to find great new music. It’s also an amazing tool for reporters. I can track down people with specific interests thanks to all the MySpace Groups and can learn additional details about the people I’m writing about- and their friends- by checking out their MySpace.

For me, MySpace is not a place to pick up dates, arrange for hookups or, um, hotel (motel) meetings. It’s not a place to check out (or post) scantily-clad pictures and it’s not a matchmaking service. Thing is, many, many people use it as a “shoot and you’re bound to hit something” dalliance site. I’ve received propositions from men who send the exact same e-mail to my girl friends- just change the name (sometimes, sadly enough, they even forget to do that). I am not special, or unique- these guys approach everyone with the exact same introduction, and clearly without reading the profile (ex: they will ask what I do for a living or what kind of music I like- which is clear on the page).

When I had my status set to “single,” I was an easy target for all the aforementioned propositions. Men using the “search” feature can break it down by status, and then batch approach everyone who comes up within their zip code. Since I changed my status to married, I’ve received only two such pick up emails. That’s a serious reduction, and means I’m keeping my “taken” status up and running.

Below the jump is a story I did about a year ago on my introduction to the social networking site.

Getting dumped is bad enough, but learning about it on MySpace ? Ouch. After hearing several friends and readers lament they found out they were dumped _ or in a relationship _ after seeing their partners’ MySpace page switch from “In A Relationship” to “Single,” or vice versa, I had to see what love in the land of MySpace was all about.

Dating actually is its own activity here. You’ve got dating, mating and hooking up, as in, “Hey, Boo. Wanna meet tonight. Holla back.” The “holla” is crucial, it’s the line I see more than any other on my MySpace , um, proposals.

MySpace is nothing new, I know, but it’s new to me. Outside of this column, I’m kind of private, and MySpace is anything but. All the lawsuits and negative stories in the media make that quite clear. But everyone – yes, everyone – insisted I get on there (damned peer pressure). So I created a page and waited.

I wanted “friends,” dates even, but didn’t know how to get them.

I called my 15-year-old cousin and begged him to be my friend; he obliged. I’m sure he wanted me to collect others, as I doubt it’s cool for a teenage boy to have some 29-year-old female on his friend list. Not to mention, this was getting me nowhere on the dating train.

But, hey, he’s family and Christmas is coming. Can you say gift revenge?

After letting my page sit stagnant for weeks, I looked up my college crush, sent him a message and a friend request. I figured I had to start somewhere. He accepted my request, and wrote back. He’s now in my top eight. That was a good afternoon.

I moved on to ex-boyfriends. Maybe they had cute friends. Either the exes don’t have pages, or they go under pseudonyms.

I did find one’s sibling. She wants him to “hurry up and ask his girlfriend to marry him,” according to her blog.

Eventually the messages started coming in. I guess it’s a matter of working the odds; if you’re out there long enough, somebody will find you. Just not always the right somebody.

Skin is clearly in on MySpace . Lots and lots of people are barely clothed. Apparently they don’t care who (bosses with the power to Donald Trump them, weak-hearted grandparents) see these photos.

From a dating perspective, this is interesting. Unlike Match.com, Yahoo Personals or others, MySpace isn’t as regulated. If I get a witty, fun, unique e-mail from a guy, I won’t write back until I view his page, which means not only looking at the types of pictures he posts, but checking out the friend comments, blogs and the general look or background used for the page.

Guys use three themes of design: Music, sports, women. Of course, the last one is far more prevalent. Straight guys like breasts and butts. I get that. And I don’t mind, but there’s a difference between images that could appear in FHM and Maxim and those in Hustler.

A couple months ago, there was this guy. Let’s call him Chris. He was engaging enough, said he liked golf, called out my taste in music and movies and made some witty remark about upstate New York. He looked pretty good in his photos, was tall and in his 20s. It seemed too good to be true.

It was. As I perused his page, I found images so explicit, they turned my usually free-thinking stomach.

Gynecological close-ups just don’t impress me. In fact, they turn me off. Messages from those men get the standard reply, “Thank you for your message, but I am really on here reconnecting with people from high school and college, mostly. Take care.”

Yes, I reply to everyone – once – I figure if they take the time to write, even for one of those “meet me now” propositions, they deserve a response.

On a near daily basis, I’ll get a half dozen or so “friend requests” from guys I don’t know. Usually all their “friends” are female – sexy ones. What average guy actually knows this many hot girls? And, if he does, what does he want with me?

These are what I call the Scavenger Hunt Men. They get the “take care” response, too.

Thongs and bras are the norm on their pages. Um, the most skin I’m showing on my site is a vacation picture where I’m wearing shorts and a tank top or one where I stand chest-deep in the ocean.

On the other hand, I have gotten a few requests from guys who address me by name, call out something in my profile and seem legit.

Then there are those who just don’t do their research. Take Paul. He wrote a short, yet flattering, message when I was a MySpace virgin. He liked golf, was 30 years old and didn’t smoke.

That was enough to at least catch my interest.

Something about how he described himself seemed familiar. I had been paired with a guy with the same name on the golf course a couple weeks prior. Same guy?

This guy’s page said he didn’t smoke or drink. When I asked him about it, he “remembered” we’d met.

Hey, first impressions are everything.

Next.

I met several

other golf partners, who seem fine, and I’ve gone out with a couple guys whose words and page presentation piqued my interest. They weren’t as captivating in person. (Although I may not have found a man on MySpace , I discovered lots of great musical acts.)

While I’ve never gone on to blog about these not-so-fun encounters (I just e-mail my friends and share the stories in the office), some people do get, um, feedback on their performance far greater than being “dumped” or “taken.”

The day after one of his MySpace meetings, a friend of mine read this on his date’s page:

“Alrighty … I just had the worst date of my life … This guy was the biggest dork in the world. Seriously … think about all of the sterotypes sic about dorks … gotta a good picture in your mind?? Alright. Now multiply that by about 100 and you’ve got the guy. I swear … the WORST (expletive) DATE EVER!!!”

Now, that’s feedback you won’t get from any other dating site.

Kristi Gustafson can be reached at 454-5494 or by e-mail at kgustafson@timesunion.com.

11 Responses

“Not special,” you say? How many ways are there for a total stranger to introduce himself and express an interest in you? Since he really doesn’t know you his icebreaker will be quite generic. Maybe he can get more interesting once a dialogue gets going. But if you shoot him down, how long is he supposed to mourn? When should he start new with somebody else? Should he first ask if she knows you? What should he write in his icebreaker in case she knows you and tells you? Your expectations are not realistic. All relationships start from absolute zero and must be built from the ground up. Nothing is “special” until both of you make it special.

Would you like to come over and discuss this over Earl Grey tea? (evil grin)

Dude, we’ve already established that a great many people who are charming, suave and witty on the internets are, uh, less than Valentino when viewed in the flesh. Trolling for companionship on dating sites is one thing, but I get the desire to be left alone on Myspace.

If I switched my marital status I wonder if all these chicks in their underpants will stop inviting me to their hot cam sites. I mean, I’m good-lookin’ and all, but seriously…

Our reporters are encouraged to be on both Facebook and MySpace, so I do do both but rarely log on to Facebook. More of my high school, college and industry friends are on MySpace (and the music/bands are much better), so I still prefer that site.

You’re probably right about the hotel meetings and the hook-ups being the same.

Guys will actually write to you and say, “Hey, Boo. Wanna meet tonight? Holla back.”??? What are they, 15? I don’t think I know a single woman that would ever even respond to something like that, much less say yes!

I do Facebook because it seems more…mature to me. My 13 year old daughter is on My Space! But honestly, I don’t find that many people I know on there, I wonder if I’d have better luck on My Space? I’m not sure I could get past the stigma though. Plus, Facebook might have cool bands- you do hear about people being discovered there all the time but they don’t have Scrabulous. And I am so addicted to Scrabble.

Ok, I’m dating myself here…but I have a son who is a third year law student at UC Berkeley…He’s 23 years of age. I asked him about these websites and his comment was facebook is a connection for college kids, He is one there to connect with his former college friends as an undergrad. my space is for high school, and or old people who want to be kids.