Diamond Decisionpoints

The Kid was trying to explain for himself the speed with which The Professor catalyzed himself from being a stranger, to moving me into his home. “I think your impulsivity is what attracts these men to you,” he essayed.

Alone in the shower of this beautiful house just now, lathering my long hair with expensive, organic, and fine-smelling lotions, warm caffeine fomenting connections in my brain and the diamond-epiphany from the last blog still brilliant in my inner vision, the clarity just struck me that it’s not that, exactly.

Instead, it’s exactly that connection I spoke about, between the diamond-dust Mexican stranger and I. I unlock that bonding for them.

And through me, they connect back to Life.

I just hit on the mechanism by which I do this, too. It’s because frankly, I’m weird as fuck. This out-of-placeness I’ve despised about myself all my life? It’s the hobbling that saved the last kid in Hamlin. I can’t keep up; I cannot sell out to the latest trend, the local heavies. I’ve never been “from here;” I don’t know how.

So the social systems of the world never quite knows what to do with me. And that means, too though, that the world never quite imprisons me in place; I never quite fit into any organized organization’s definition. Too hard, too weird; unusable to any other programmatic machine, I keep my own pattern.

And the jeweled matrix of that pattern holds space for clarity; it holds open a lens all the way down. Clear like calm water down and down into the substrate of what’s real.

Crystalized by pressure, I’m hard enough to sustain the transmission of light and energy that powers others’ vision through me into what’s true: I am the trial-tested artist that lets them see the world anew, through my eyes.

Impulsivity is part of it, yes. Because following an impulse breaks the script. Each of the three main men now in my life leapt through a choice-point away from logic; allowed a leap of faith away from staid safe slow-thinking and threw in with me completely based on a real feeling.

This is what special-forces operatives do; trust themselves and real feelings and act from these free of confounding doubtful thoughts.

This is how choices can be made instantaneously — and actions instantly following-on directly from those choices.

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This is how I can catch up from all the time I’ve lost being dissociated and cut off from my own life’s driving purpose.

Instant actions derived from true insight.

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This was a heckin’ insightful shower, let me tell you.

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And it let me see cleanly (!) what I love about the three men in my world.

At one instant in each of their lives, they each:
– Saw me;
– Saw reality;
– Saw the alternatives;
– Threw in completely with me and how I made them feel.

THAT is precious and sacred and I will not let them down.

* * * * *

And this now is why I am going to wake up The Kid and go get us pancakes.

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Next Blog: Cowboys and Indians (the tropes of the self-assured commando and the spirit-world-assured Indian).