Three ways to emotional self-care when you’re trying to get pregnant

Three ways to emotional self-care when you’re trying to get pregnant - By Brigid Moss

Brigid Moss is a wellness writer, editor and consultant. Contributing Editor at Red magazine. Author of IVF: An Emotional Companion

When you’ve been trying for a while, as you probably know, it consumes your thoughts. It also takes sex off the nice-to-do list and onto your actual to-do list. Which is possibly the least sexy thing ever. It wasn’t until I’d let go of trying to get pregnant that I could look back and see how much I’d been obsessing about trying to get pregnant. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, right?

But I did learn something about looking after my emotional health in those years. During my third cycle of IVF, I was writing a book: IVF: An Emotional Companion (PUB) which involved interviewing 21 women about their fertility experiences. And it was while doing that, that I found some much-needed perspective and advice that worked for me, which I’ve described below.

Just because these three things worked for me, doesn’t mean they are right for you. And if you are deep in the fertility abyss, please don't feel you have to improve your approach as well as all the other stuff that comes with fertility issues. And please don’t take any of this as a criticism of the way you’re approaching it. You’re doing your best, and that’s all you can do.

A little bit about my background: we first tried for a baby when I was 31, and finally conceived my son via IVF aged 35 (with more than a few medical tests and procedures during those four years, which you may have experienced too). The reason I ended up needing IVF was because my Fallopian tubes were blocked. A couple of years later, I had a failed frozen cycle of IVF, then a year after that my third full cycle ended in a positive test, then a miscarriage at 15 weeks.

1) Don’t bottle things up

The longer it takes to get pregnant, the more pregnancy announcements at work, pictures of beautiful baby showers, cute baby spam and social media pregnancy reveals you have to endure.

For the first couple of years of trying, my horror of being pitied stopped me telling almost everyone but a small handful of friends that we were even trying, let alone having problems. I could talk to my husband of course, but my need to discuss every possible treatment and every outcome of every test before it happened wasn’t always the best thing for our relationship; usually, after discussing an issue twice, his strategy is to stay positive by thinking positive.

While writing the book, I spent hours on the phone, talking women about fertility, sex, tests, doctors, clinics, treatments both medical and alternative. But, most of all, about how we felt. As they confided in me, I’d do the same with them. I found there was a huge advantage in talking to people who can speak the shorthand of fertility: who know what your hormone levels mean, or what it’s like the first time you have to inject yourself in the stomach, can’t visit a lovely friend who’s just had a baby. There’s also an instant bond of confiding the guilt you feel when you’re jealous of another woman’s accidental or instant pregnancy. So whether it’s online, or a specialist fertility counsellor, or just a group of friends, try to find your group of fertility friends.

2) Let it out

One friend going through treatment had what turned out to be an excellent way to deal with the grief of a failed cycle. It’s worth trying for the days you get a negative test or an unwanted period, too - or perhaps the weekend afterwards, if you’re at work that day. What she used to do, is shut herself away for a day - or even two - and let herself fully cry, feel all the pain, experience it completely. She’d prepare for this: make sure her bedroom was nice with cosy sheets, she had lovely pyjamas, she had both good and junk food in the house. And she’d have selected friends as well as her partner around to be with her, too. After a day or even two, she’d get showered and dressed. She’d still have allowing herself to be sad when she needed to but would have accepted and lived the grief. Wallowing may be your idea of hell, of course. And perhaps you find the grief too overwhelming, in which case a fertility counsellor might be a good idea.

3) What story are you telling yourself?

There are some clichés of fertility treatment: almost everyone I interviewed described it as a ‘rollercoaster’, of being ‘over the moon’ or ‘devastated’. But, digging down, I discovered the ‘rollercoaster’ isn’t the same for everyone. What I found is that two people could have, on paper, the exact same experience - say, a failed IVF cycle - but describe it, in fact live it, in radically different ways.

For some women, for example, the clinic receptionist was rude, the doctors were dry and uninformative, the pain was bad, the nurse was unhelpful. For others, whose cycle had also failed, the story they’d tell themselves was that they were just unlucky this time, the staff were lovely and supportive, and they’d come away from the cycle talking about what they’d learnt to take to the next cycle.

Of course, clinics do vary in the level of support they give, as well as in their success rates. I’m not saying it isn’t really, really painful. Please don’t take this as some Pollyanna suggestion about bucking up and being perfectly composed or pretending bad things don’t happen. But realising there were different ways to choose how to experience the ‘rollercoaster’ did make me think: am I like the first group of women, or the second? Am I seeing every period or cycle failure as a disaster or am I seeing it as the next step? And I wish I’d learnt this in the first year of fertility treatment, rather than my last.

Blog

what is proceive & who is it suitable for?

According to recent media reports, mounting evidence suggests that male factors may be the contributing factor in nearly half of all infertility cases.

Sperm DNA fragmentation - a term used to denote abnormal genetic material within the sperm, which may lead to male subfertility, IVF failure and miscarriage - is an increasing focus for discussion amongst researchers and fertility experts.

So, what can be done to support men who present with higher than average DNA fragmentation in their sperm?

I was 43 years old and genuinely thought the opportunity for me to have kids was gone. I was also concerned that my hectic lifestyle and questionable diet in the last 20 years might have affected my ability to have children. Eventually the question of children came to a head as we discussed whether to have nice wedding or try for a child. Myself and my fiancé were both desperate not to hurt each other’s feeling but fortunately we both wanted to give it a go. All that said it was an awkward conversation.

Deciding to start trying to conceive was an exciting time – I remember having ‘the chat’ with Aaron six years ago and thinking that in a year or two’s time we’d have turned into a family of three! Sadly, despite our best efforts we are still just two, thousands of pounds poorer but not too mentally scarred from four cycles of IVF, three miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy. I think the key to this has been the strength of our relationship, the support of our family and friends and the acceptance and calm that eventually comes from years of fertility struggles.

Trying for a baby can be just that: trying. Which is why when I set out to write a book about that special moment in your life where it seems like the time might actually be pretty right to have a baby – not least because everyone else you know suddenly has one – there was no other name for it.

‘I just want to be pregnant!’, a common thought for anyone trying to conceive, whether a couple experiencing infertility or a single person or same sex couple who, because of their relationship status, had planned to conceive with assistance. Friends, family members and sometimes our partners too, will suggest that we relax, try not to think about it and ‘it’ will happen.

When you’ve been trying for a while, as you probably know, it consumes your thoughts. It also takes sex off the nice-to-do list and onto your actual to-do list. Which is possibly the least sexy thing ever. It wasn’t until I’d let go of trying to get pregnant that I could look back and see how much I’d been obsessing about trying to get pregnant. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, right?

Sarah Walsh, now 39, and her husband Ivor, 41, celebrated the birth of their daughter, Sadie, eight years ago. Having managed to conceive naturally after only a couple of months trying, both assumed they’d have no problem producing a baby brother or sister for their little girl. Read the full article in the Mail Online.

Most women with PCOS grow many small cysts on their ovaries. That is why it is called polycystic ovary syndrome. The cysts are not harmful but lead to hormone imbalances. Early diagnosis and treatment can help control the symptoms and prevent long-term problems

Caffeine consumption is a much debated subject when it comes to conception and fertility issues. Coffee can be described as a double edged sword. Coffee beans come from a plant so they are essentially a healthy food choice. They are packed full of health promoting plant chemicals. When the beans are picked, they are roasted and this process increases their health promoting anti-oxidant levels.

All nutrients used in PROCEIVE® formulations are of the highest quality and are sourced in the UK and can be fully traced to source. All PROCEIVE® products are manufactured in the UK to Good Manufacturing Practice(GMP) in a MHRA approved facility. PROCEIVE® are food supplements and comply with EFSA legislation.