Trapped in a world he is not designed to cope with, Dave-El (the true Kryptonian name of alleged Earth creature David Long) writes about comics, Doctor Who, politics and whatever damned thing pops into his unbalanced mind.

Monday, February 2, 2015

This (Non) Sporting Life: Dave-El's Super Bowl Report

Hi there! Dave-El with a special installment of This (Non) Sporting Life, the blog post about sports by a guy who does not know much about sports. Today I'm going to reach back through the beer blurred haze of memory to provide my report on Super Bowl 49. The Performers

John Legend sings "America the Beautiful" and like most songs Legend sings, it makes women want to have sex with him.

Idina Mizell does the National Anthem and does NOT segue way into "Let It Go".

Katy Perry enters the arena astride a giant metal robot lion, sang "I Kissed a Girl" with Lenny Kravitz (really!), performed with dancing sharks (really really!), got her funk on with Missy Elliot, flew around on NBC's "The More You Know" logo and changed outfits 147 times. In other words, just another day for Katy Perry.

The Commercials

Lindsay Lohan is sorta your mom and Bryan Cranston brings back Walter White to be sorta your pharmacist. Thank you Esurance for two really funny spots.

Then there's the boy who lists all the things he won't do when he grows up and I think its rather amusing until he tells he won't do these things because he's dead. Fuck you Nationwide for messing with my head.

Kim Kardashian West tells all the reasons its important to save your data on your smart phone and they're all surprisingly relevant to me.

McDonald's plans to charge randomly selected people to pay with acts of kindness. So these people will not have to use real money to pay for their not quite real food.

A kid makes a pig fly to get a bag of Doritos from some dude. I know it was cute and everything with the flying pig but really, the kid should just go home and ask his mom to buy him some Doritos. It would've been far more cost effective than creating a porcine rocket.

I like the Pierce Brosnan ad for Kia except the very unrealistic ending: there's NO WAY Pierce Brosnan would actually want to keep the Kia.

Jeff Daniels = What the fuck?

Marcia Brady eats a Snickers and stops being a rage filled wrestler. However, Jan still looks like Steve Buscemi.

There were a lot of dad-centric spots in the Super Bowl this year. Apparently its a really big life changing thing being a dad with depths of love and emotion that can shake a man down to his core. Or so I gather. Meanwhile I have to remind my daughter to stay focused on finishing that school project due tomorrow that she had all damn weekend to work on.*

*Every year she whines about my wife and I watching the Super Bowl. This year she decides to get into it.

A bunch of Victoria's Secret models are in the mood for love and quite frankly I can't remember any more commercials after that.

Oh yeah! The Game

The Patriots start off the first half strong but the Seahawks tie up the score by the end of the half. I guess somebody remembered to inflate the balls or something? I don't know, I'm not a sports guy.

Apparently revved up by Katy Perry's half time show, the Seahawks move ahead and the score gets to 24-10, the Seahawks win, pack 'em up, let's go home and...shit, the game is not over, is it?

Two touchdown passes from Tom Brady and the Patriots are up 28-24. OK, I admit Tom Brady was having a great night as he broke the record of all time TD passes in a Super Bowl. But c'mon, the Patriots can't win this thing!

In an amazing show of speed and skill, the Seahawks move up the field and with half a minute to go, Seattle is really close to the goal line. I think Richard Sherman could trip on his dreadlocks and just fall into the end zone for a touchdown. But the Seahawks go for a pass into the end zone... which is neatly plucked out of the air by the Bastards...er, I mean the Patriots.

Then there's a brief but frenetic brawl right out of a Benny Hill episode but fun time's over as the clock winds down and New England wins the Super Bowl. I think I saw Coach Bill Belichick crack a...well, I don't want to say "smile" but it was some faint glimmer of emotion. I'm sure his dark lord and master Beelzebub is also similarly pleased.

And that's what I got for this year's Super Bowl. Thanks to my father-in-law for letting us do this thing at his house. Before I wrap this up, your moment of puppy!

Awww! Don't worry, the puppy gets back home just fine, reunited with his emotionally co-dependent human and his best pal, a Budweiser Clydesdale horse. Afterwards the puppy enjoys a nice cold Bud Lite and all is right with the world. You all be good to one another. Dave-ElI'm So Glad My Suffering Amuses You