Saturday, February 28, 2009

previously: natasha was too much like a buddy to bret. a male buddy. bret banged ashley, charming her by telling her that he liked her in a hot sexy girlfriend way. three new girls were introduced to the tour, but i still haven't learned their names. except i know kami is the fuggo.

the brunettes hate the blonds. the blonds think the brunettes are fat.

one of the new girls (who wears a pancake layer of makeup to bed, apparently) starts to miss her recently deceased father and questions going on the show. better not let bret hear that. the girls head to nashville and are asked to even out their buses. brittanya, formerly of pink, deflects to the blue bus, where she should have been in the first place, obviously, with her brunette head. kami (also a brown head) changes buses as well.

Bret's Mudbowl! Yes! I hope no one pops an implant today. something hilarious is that the closest thing the pink team has to a natural blond is kelsey, who has light brown hair. but there's such brunette hatred. i guess we get to see what these bitches look like pre-peroxide when this mud gets everywhere. teams are split up by bus, and the winning team gets a group date, while the MVP (who can come from either team) gets a sleepover date. i would lose on purpose. these bitches are vicious. they kick each other's asses, of course ripping clothes off along the way. it looks like mindy might be headed to MVPville. the game goes on forever. blue bus finally wins and the MVP is between ashley and mindy. mindy gets the mini trophy and the dallas date.

there is more drama about new blond's dead dad. meanwhile, the dallas date bret took mindy on is just a bret michaels concert. man, he loves himself. they go back to the hotel. there's making out, there's leopard print lingerie, i'm thoroughly disgusted.

so, mindy comes back from her date and the girls spew hate rays at her. bret is in high spirits until Something Happens. He gets a letter saying a buddy was killed in Iraq. I'm kinda getting the feeling this guys was less a buddy and more a fan. insensitive? maybe. true? i'm pretty sure of it.

all the girls on the winning team, save for mindy, get to meet up with bret. he tells them about his buddy and reveals this was a guy he "got close with" during his three week visit to iraq. so i was kinda right. everyone is all downer now. bret requests some time with brittanya. again, he tries to get her to talk, and again she says nothing. she is so dumb. like, there is nothing going on in there. at least she knows it.

jenny (new blond) spills her guts to bret about her dead pa. bret barely keeps his eyes open but is all "i'm listenin', i'm listenin'"

eliminations. bret calls taya first. mindy is all "i thought Bret gave the first pass to the girl he's feelin' the most, so where's my pass?" which translates to "bret always gives the first pass to the one he banged the night before, so where's my pass?" mindy is called second. maybe taya snuck into his room. next, bret calls kami (? why), beverly, jamie, ashley, and farrah. this leaves Brittanya, jenny, and kelsey. kelsey is safe. so, it's between the hot idiot and the dad drama. bret calls brittanya and asks her if she wants to be there. she's smart enough to know to answer him this time, but dumb enough to say yes. brittanya gets the final pass, and jenny goes home. and i finally learned her name.

ha! instead of walking jenny off the set, bret walks her back to the platform and then peaces out with big john. ha. what a gent.

Monday, February 23, 2009

as with last year, i'm not going to give a recap of the oscars, because many others do it much better than i could. might i direct you to mimi coco's liveblog or the sum up from this new blog i read (shout out, kristen!), redacted. if i had a laptop, this post would probably be different, but alas i do not. i will say how much i truly loved the part in hugh jackman's opening number that highlighted The Reader. I was guffawing. i thought all in all it was a pretty entertaining show. though i hated how i couldn't see the dead people during the in memoriam. mimi coco said it best when she described it as the Bourne Ultimatum of death montages.

anywho, what's really important here is to talk about what good guessers we are! i got fifteen right out of the 24, besting my total from last year. i was on such a roll in the beginning, but then i foolishly gave some stuff to benji butto that i obvs should've given to slumdog.

again, i was three for four on the acting noms, incorrectingly giving mickey rourke the best actor prize. i was pleased with myself for getting penny cruz right though. i must say, i used to think she was nothing special in the acting department as well as the looks department, but she's definitely grown on me with both. she's a completely different actor in her native language. and switching between english and spanish = hot. i was correct again this year with the director and picture prizes, but let's get to what i'm really proud of-- choosing the winners in Live Action Short (based on title), Sound Editing (Dark Knight!), editing (the deductive reasoning always works), documentary short AND feature, and costume design (always go for the elaborate royal dresses). the other ones i guessed correctly were pretty obvious - adapted and original screenplay, animated feature, and visual effects. i think what's most impressive here, if you'll allow me to continue patting myself on the back this year, is that the only movies i've seen out of all the nominees were Benjamin Button, Dark Knight, Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Wall-E, Iron Man, and Hellboy II (which I TOTALLY thought would take it for makeup. benji butts for visual effects, yes, but not for makeup.) And Benjamin Button was the only one that really counted of those. Wall-E and the Dark Knight both had a good amount of nominations (6 and 8, respectively), but they were in like, sound mixing and original song.

anyway, that's enough bragging. the big winner was obviously slumdog millionaire, winning 8 of their 10 nominations. next closest was benji with three, and milk and dark knight (!) tied for 3rd with 2 each. how did you guys fare in your oscar pools? what were your favorite parts of the show? i personally got really excited to see marion cotillard there. have any of you watched "Love Me if You Dare"? i also, like my dear friend kate reilly (holla!), was confused at zac efron's constant presence.

heroes is one of the few shows out of many that i watch (seriously, i counted it out the other day and it's like, in the 30's) that i will actually see live (or semi-live...gotta hold out long enough to skip through the commercials). i've always loved superheroes, probably thanks to my brother, and i used to be so in awe of this show. most people lost the magic in season 2, when hiro got sent back to feudal japan for way too long, when they brought in those annoying twins, etc. but i didn't give up on the show-- i even held out from bad mouthing it at this point. but then season 3 started and i couldn't hold my tongue anymore.

it used to be that i would watch the show, enjoy it for the most part, and then think of plot holes/continuity errors/ridiculous parts only after the fact. but for season 3 everything was different. i was so pulled out of it that i would sass my tv. i'd call out the show's stupidity right to its face (meaning, i'd talk/sarcastically laugh aloud to myself). things were getting bad. but then poor pushing daisies got cancelled and there's was this great hope that bryan fuller would go back to heroes and everything would be better again.

this new volume, Fugitives (i think), has definitely shown improvement. granted, they didn't have to do too much to improve on the crap they were airing, but still... while they are still working out the kinks, though, why don't we all just talk about what still irritates us. i'll start, and then anyone else can continue in the comments.

these are mostly just from last week's episode --

1) nathan smugly walks into the scene where zeljko ivanek is bitching about something. ZI makes some comment to nathan and he responds that he was just getting his "double espresso" and then holds up a large coffee cup. uh, who would serve a double espresso in a large coffee cup?!

** side note -- the other day, somebody ordered a large americano (which is a shot of espresso and hot water, for those who don't know) and when i handed her the cup she was like "this isn't all espresso is it?" ... uh lady, if i would've filled up that whole cup with espresso, we would've been there at least half an hour, and you would have never been able to sleep again. and secondly, do you...know what you ordered?

2) i don't understand why these people keep using the future telling device to figure out their next step. if it's supposed to happen, then shouldn't everyone go about their business until it comes to pass? seriously, that power is less "read the future" and more "create the future because whatever you paint, stupid hiro is going to look at it and figure out a way to make it come true". and why do characters keep referring to past futures? (did i just blow your mind?) things have been altered, so those versions of the future shouldn't happen anymore. are they trying to say you can't ever change things, or is it just lazy writing? why did we waste all that time going to the future with the purpose of changing it, if they are still referring to it as unchanged?

3) why is Tracy such an idiot? can they kill her off and bring the third ali larter out?

4) "Can you apologize to his blood stain? It's still warm." -NathanWhat? The guy that died because tracy froze him solid and shattered him? he's the bloodstain that's still warm? did they let him thaw out, then leave the pieces alone for a while until they came up to room temperature, then heat them up with a blow dryer before cleaning it up just so nathan could say this? do you think a better line could've been "Can you apologize to his blood stain? It's frozen solid." or even "Can you apologize to his blood stain? It's the consistency of crushed ice."

Friday, February 20, 2009

preevs: marcia was wasted all the time, most likely to make the idea of hooking up with bret palatable. but that didn't work so she went home.

the girls head to st. louis. ashley and farrah decide to hate natasha because they don't like her face or her low "man voice". bret isn't feeling a special-time connection with any of the girls, so he cooks up a scheme. the girls are taken to the hustler club and ashley feels excited and comforted at the sight of stripper poles. bret brings out three girls that are "in need of makeovers" and assigns one to each group. let's just say the wardrobe people could've done a more convincing job here. it must be the same stylists that turned the girls fug for RoL: Charm School. the winning captain gets a date with bret. Jamie comes out and bret praises her bralessness. then he says that bras should never have been invented. do you think he's ever seen natural boobs that had been braless lifelong? i don't. jenny comes out, followed by kami -- who looks a little like megan mullally, but not in any sort of positive way.

bret chooses all three as winners, so he'll go on a date with all the cap'ns. god forbid he ever has to go on a date with just one person. he also says that the three new girls will join them on the tour. some girls are stunned, others clap. bret's ego is bruised by the clappers.

natasha says she doesn't mind making friends here. so you know she's probably going home, because rule 1 of reality tv is that you aren't there to make friends. ashley goes to bret and airs her complaints about this plot twist. she also says she thinks natasha's a man. she thinks she wears tutus all the time to hide her junk. she complains about not getting time with bret, so he says he'll make time for her.

the team cap'ns go on a riverboating date, and bret proposes that he may just like these 3 in a friends with benefits way and not a relationship way. meaning, he'll bang them, but he doesn't like being around them. bret takes mindy aside and tells her he thinks she's awesome. they make out and the way it starts is seriously one of the grossest kisses i've ever seen. bret tilts his head, opens his mouth, then moves in.

the three new girls go to the others to try and make friends and brittanya flips the fuck out. bret comes back from his date and hangs with the "3 news". beverly confronts bret about his motive behind bringing the new girls. bret then basically admits he did this to get a rise out of the girls, but was pissed when they clapped at his announcement. he throws a fit and goes to hang out with ashley on the bus. he sings her a bad song, tells her he likes her in a "hot sexy girlfriend way", then presumably bangs her.

woah, speaking of WO-man, farrah, you are not so ladylike without all your makeup. new girls get new jeans and a bowling date. they tell bret how brittanya got all crazy, so bret gets turned on. then they tell him how she said she'd hit kami and doesn't care if that would send her home. that's another ego bruising.

bret is in the weight room and brittanya comes in and what. is. she. wearing. it's like...what. a belt with suspenders made out of tinsel. for real. that's it. i would've loved to see her eye this in the store, hold it out and consider it, hold it up to her body to see if it 'fits'. bret's all "talk to me" and brittanya speaks her mind. meaning, she has not a thing to say. finally, he prompts her to talk about her feelings about the new girls. she's not happy about it.

eliminations. the new girls are all safe, as is ashley. bret then calls mindy, taya, beverley, kelsey, and farrah. this leaves natasha and brittanya. but only one of them is wearing a belt with suspenders which, unlike the tutu, leaves little room to imagine any unwanted male parts. natasha goes home and dimples is safe another week.

Friday, February 13, 2009

so valentine's day is tomorrow. i bet all you happy taken people are excited that it's on a saturday. how perfect for you. i personally think valentine's day is the worst. and whenever i tell that to people, i can just see the pity in their eyes. "she hates valentine's day because she's eternally single." well save your pity because either way i don't like it. it's a made up holiday that allows people to believe it's okay to grossly makeout in public everywhere. the one day people allow themselves to be super nice to their s.o.'s. and buy unnecessary gifts. (that's another thing i wouldn't like about not being single on valentine's day---buying a gift. ugh.) i was going to link back to that awesome video i made you guys for valentine's last year, but it seems to have disappeared from the internet. like, i can't even get the site to load.

anywho, normally i can avoid valentine's day. as stated previously, i'm usually flying solo, so i don't have any of the pressure building up to it. and i just go about my business until the pink and red things disappear from all the stores. but, thanks to my current place of part-time employment and the special v-day treats, i'm constantly reminded of how much i dislike it.

i was recently verifying in my head that it's true that i dislike valentine's day regardless of my status (don't get me wrong -- i do love exchanging valentines, but that's just fun) and i thought about justin from 8th grade who got me like, a dozen roses (that i told my mom were from a secret admirer). i bought him a single fake rose from the school valentine fundraiser. i believe it put me out a whole dollar. even then i wasn't into it.

thinking about justin reminded me of all my elementary school luvs and y'all what was i doing right back then? there was robert, chris mike, freddy, and of course, brian presley. (i believe brian presley *swoon* gave me a couple of stuffed gingerbread valentine people and some jewelry on valentine's day. we were in fifth grade.) i had better relationships from K - 6 than i've had in my twenties. this leads me to my next question: am i benjamin button?

stay with me here. people are still commenting on how young i look. surprised to hear 26 when they are expecting 15. i thought this trend would have died by now, or at least people would stop thinking i'm in my teens. between my youthful looks and my early success in finding loves, how is it that i'm not going through life backwards? what if i don't have anyone like cate blanchett to make out with when i'm a toddler baby old/young person? should i go out to sea?

Friday, February 06, 2009

big john gathers everyone around and says that maria had some medical condition and needed to be rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night. yuh oh. i wonder if it had anything to do with how often she stated she was an ex-model. i was pretty repetitious when i had a concussion. big john's all "bret's going to bang her in her hospital bed and then we out." tour must go on, i guess. she probably would've won.

the girls head to chicago where they (and we) yet again have to endure Bret's "show". marcia, as usual, starts drinking early. she also has bruises all over her. what a mess. they are all actually wearing lingerie for this daytime event. for the challenge, they must dismantle and pack a stage in two teams. winning team gets a date and vip treatment. marcia is the odd girl out after teams are chosen, so not only does she not have to do the challenge, but she'll get vip treatment with the winning team. oh piss, i think someone's gonna pee herself. oh, she makes it to the bathroom. phew.

OH SNAP!! Bwahahahaha... So taya ex-penthouse is wrapping cords and directing people like a pro, and bret's telling her to be careful, because she's too sexy for him to lose, and she backs straight of the platform. haha. ouch. i rewind and rewatch about seven times. and then vh1 replays it another five. awesome. she gets right back up all "it's coo" with like, little birdies flying around her head. then she maniacally pulls things apart whilst crying. again, i must repeat, they're all in lingerie.

marcia, idiot, pulls bret aside and tells him she's not in love with him. well, duh, dummy, but you don't tell him. he's just a fragile old man. the red team -- ashley, brittanya, natasha and beverly join marcia for VIP treatment.

have i mentioned that marcia's boobs have been blurred in every frame she's in this challenge? they get lavished with gifts. the losing team gets four cell phones and whoever has the phone that rings bret michael's latest tune (aka the RoL theme song) wins a slot with the VIPs. so basically, bret could only get 6 backstage passes to his own show, and this was the roundabout way of determining the 6. kelsey is the winningest of the losers and poor farrah is stuck with lameoids taya and mindy. she can use the time to think of new catchphrases.

my suspicions were correct! this IS the Rock of Love Bus Tour. i think bret was like "send me on a tour and i'll bang some bitches on camera for you." but neither would exist without the other. what a paradox. like the chicken and the egg. uh oh. marcia gives away her VIP bracelet gift to some random crowd member.

so, bret's a tired old man. he goes to take a nap while his band parties with the girls. ashley spots beverly kissing bret's drummer (after kissing farrah herself, but in bret's world, that doesn't count)

the vips go on their date to some brewery to sample 'bret's brew'. bret brings up beverly and the drummer and she awkwardly denies any memory of that. then he is told of marcia's regifting.

eliminations. beverly thinks she's out. first up is ashley. ashley looks like a mix of Ev from the RR/RW challenge and ellie from degrassi. farrah, natasha, and kelsey are all safe. don't worry guys, all blondes are in. taya is in. at the very least for that spectacular fall. brittanya is also safe. bret sends big john and the remaining passes away, so that everyone thinks three people are getting cut. he gets all dramatic, but eventually saves beverly and mindy. which means brazil is out! as tom cruise would say, Adios!