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Parenting: Part IV

Part I discussed how to decide which battles to pick and how to win without your or your child incurring collateral damage.

Part II described a time-effective approach to helping ensure your child gets a good education.

Part III explored how to decide how much freedom to give your child, how flexible to be with rules, and musings about what your child might do extracurricularly.

Here, we turn to tougher terrain.

Encouraging good friends

Deflating to we parents who think our efforts are dispositive, the Pulitzer Prize-finalist book, The Nurture Assumption, argues that peers have greater influence on how kids turn out than we do.

Whether or not that’s true, peers sure are influential. So the obvious behooves all parents: encourage good friendships. That’s easy if your child is naturally attracted to bright, well-adjusted kids who take only reasonable risks. But what if your kid is attracted to multi-pierced, tattoo-covered Goths who delight in shocking adults with their ever more outrageous and risky behavior, for example, serious drug abuse and driving under the influence?

Here, I advocate being firm. I’d tell my child something like:

I’ve seen you make some good choices but nothing is more important to shaping how you turn out than who your friends are. And to be honest, I’m worried that your friends—whether you realize it or not—are hurting how you’re turning out. They focus so much on shocking people and--perhaps I'm wrong--engaging in some very risky behaviors. I’m not asking you to turn yourself into a person you’re not or to like people you hate, but is it just possible that there’s a kid or two you might like whom you think would be better for you? Would you like to invite that child to join us at (insert the child’s favorite family activity.)

If my child doesn’t come up with a possibly acceptable kid, I’d do a little reconnoitering: I might ask my child’s teacher or think of my friends’ and relatives’ kids and set up a play date, for example, taking one or more of them with my family to an amusement park.

What about sex? Of course, parents legitimately can hold different views on when it’s appropriate to do what. All I want to advocate is to, early on, have one or more open conversations about sex. The following is the sort of thing I’d say to my child, male or female:

My sense is that most teens strike the right balance between prudishness and promiscuity by saving intimacy beyond perhaps kissing to someone really special and not falling for such lines as “Baby, if you loved me, you would." Honestly, how do you feel about that?”

I’d end such a conversation with something like:

Whatever you end up deciding to do or not do, I want you to know that you can always come to me about it. I may not be able to agree with your choice but I’ll try to be a good listener and maybe discussing it with me will help.”

As you know, I’m not a rule-follower by nature. I defy convention when I believe it’s wise. But here, I’m going to sound like a fuddy duddy. I would be very worried if you decided to do drugs. No, the world won’t end if you occasionally sneak a beer but I’ve become aware, for example, that even casual marijuana use permanently changes your brain’s structure, affecting your emotions and your motivation.

I’d ask my child why she wanted to, for example, smoke pot. Here are some possibilities and how I’d respond:

“My friends are all doing it.” I’d bet not all your friends are. And if they are, and if they disliked you because you said, “I’ll pass,” are they really the kind of people you want as your friends?

“It’s cool.” Is a bad memory cool? Is losing your motivation cool? It can only be cool to someone with values I don’t think you’d respect.

“I just want to experiment. I’m young.” Trying it once or twice won’t kill you. But young people forever have said, “I won’t get addicted.” And millions do. I know that young people think they’re impervious and that they can stop, but I beg you to trust me on this one.”

Dear reader, this ends my four-part series on parenting. But I invite you to, in the “join the discussion” section below, post any questions you’d like me to address.

Marty Nemko was named “The Bay Area’s Best Career Coach” by the San Francisco Bay Guardian and he enjoys a 96 percent client-satisfaction rate. In addition to the articles here on PsychologyToday.com, many more of Marty Nemko's writings are archived on www.martynemko.com. Of his seven books, the most relevant to readers of this blog is How to Do Life: What They Didn’t Teach You in School. Marty Nemko's biois on Wikipedia.

You have to let your child find themselves. They can't do that if you won't let them be friends with "multi-pierced, tattoo-covered Goths" because you have prejudice. No, these kids aren't just trying to shock adults with their "outrageous" and risky behavior. Sometimes it is just a phase, sometimes that child is finding themselves, trying new things, figuring out what they do and don't like, or just expressing themselves. What if your child grew up to be a pierced, tattooed "goth"? Would you not love them the same? What if your child was a type of person that other parents warned THEIR children about? That wouldn't feel too good. Stop the prejudice. Don't tell your kids they can't be friends with whoever they want; teach them instead to be kind to EVERYONE regardless of superficial things like tattoos and piercings, which are means by which people can express themselves. You want your child to be surrounded by supportive friends who accept them for who they are. If they so happen to be "goths," but they really care for your child as a friend, what's the harm?
Teach your child the ability to make his or her own decisions, regardless of if it's "cool" or if everyone else is doing it. Teach them to make choices based on what makes sense to them - as long as it makes them happy and they're being responsible, there should be no harm done. This applies to all three things you wrote about.
Sorry, but your kids will have sex regardless of what you or their school says, so at least make sure they're being safe. For both young men and women, it's important that they know about the responsibilities that are associated with sex; for example, it can result in a child. They should also be aware of preventing STDs. Make sure they know to take responsibility for their actions! If you have a daughter, talk to her about birth control when she's nearing high school. If you have a son, talk to him about the importance of respecting women and also about being safe. It will happen no matter what you do to stop it, so give your children the knowledge they need.
Teenagers shouldn't be using drugs habitually, but more likely than not, it will happen; for some, maybe only a few times, while for others, it will be more than a few times. Cannabis does, in fact, negatively affect teenagers, especially those under 16. But about 50% of American adults have tried it at some point in their lives. It should be understood, to your child, that you don't want them using drugs. You should also create a relationship in which your child would be comfortable enough to talk to you if they have any questions or need advice. Yes, your child may drink a few times, maybe smoke, but you might never catch them. You probably won't if it's very rare use that doesn't affect your child's life much. If, however, they at some point begin to use it often and you catch them, first of all, don't yell. You should never yell in the first place, but in this situation, they will most likely respond the best if you speak to them with a clear head, in a calm voice and with respect. Treat them as they deserve to be treated - with respect, not as if they're too young to make their own decisions. Your child is CHOOSING to drink/smoke. Ask them why they do it. Express your concerns about their drug use. Give them a minor consequence for this first time, but make sure to explain that the next time, there will be much more serious consequences. Try not to use fear as your only incentive though. Just keep your tone calm, serious, and respectful and the message should come across clear.
If the problem persists, you should seek professional help. If your child is using drugs, it's very likely that they have some emotional/psychological problems which have not been properly addressed.
Your child won't be perfect, they won't follow all of your rules, you can't shelter them from all of the evil in the world, and they'll make tons of mistakes (but also have many learning experiences). But it's all part of life! Embrace it, love your child as they are, teach them to do the same and love themselves, and also teach them to respect themselves by being responsible. Your child will be much more likely to follow your rules. I should know, I'm 16. ;)

It is all dandy but we (parents) know our children. In theory it all works but in reality, we need to step up and be truthful to our children. We need to give our children love and support as mentioned but we also have to be the adult and guide them. I as a parent remind my child that all is a "privledge and not a necessity". My child is an independant child and makes mistakes but we talk about the issues and find ways to "fix them". Parenting is a work in progress so at the same time, we have to keep studying and learn ways to improve.