“There is a classic story amongst some of my colleagues,” says Dr. Rob Reiner, a clinical psychologist on the Upper East Side who is my own personal-relationship advice guru, “about a man who seemed normal but actually broke up with women if they drove faster than him. Of course, he wouldn’t tell them this was why he was breaking up with them. But he was so methodological that he would learn what their fastest driving time was on certain roads, and if it was faster than his own, then he would dump them.”

So all these women are left wandering around, crying themselves to sleep feeling like they aren’t pretty enough, aren’t sexy enough, when they are simply hardcore Sammy Hagar fans who cannot drive 55.

For example, SP told me last week, ever-so-sweetly: “You are welcome to spend the night, if you want.”

And what did I hear instead?

“I don’t know where this relationship is going. So while I’m not going to ask the doorman to escort you out, I have no strong feelings whether you stay or go and what happens to you the rest of your life. Nightnight.”

Dr. Reiner explains that my problem is I have done what so many of us do: I’ve looked way, way too obsessively at one specific thing.

“The problem is,” he says, “that the brain acts like a high-powered lens. If you get too close to anything, everything looks bad.”

See, what it comes down to is that SP’s message to me is basically this. Ready?

“You are welcome to spend the night, if you want.”

Isn’t that nice? Isn’t that simple?

But the problem is all of my inordinate baggage of previous relationships with men who resembled Speedometer Guy.

If you’ve dated a single Speedometer Guy in your life, then suddenly a Kind, Considerate, Neutral, Nothing statement is no longer a KCNN – it’s a small science experiment.