In this episode, I focus on the Third Agreement – Don’t make assumptions.

Don Miguel Ruiz summarizes this agreement as:

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want

Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama

Don’t Make Assumptions

Easier said than done.

We have a natural tendency to make assumptions.

That’s not the real problem.

The problem is to believe that the assumptions we make are the truth.

As I referred to in episode 18, in Social Psychology, there are researchers who study how individuals explain their own behavior as well as that of others. I spoke about the Attribution Theory that helps us understand how people make these interpretations and attributions.

We can understand assumptions as a type of attribution we make about other people’s behavior.

It’s the reverse of the coin of the second agreement – not to take things personally, because what others say and do is a projection of their own reality.

Following the same logic: the way we interpret what others do, is a projection of our own internal reality. It’s based on our personal stories.

Because we take our assumptions as the best explanation of reality, it’s easy to fall into the cycle of complaining and blaming others for what we feel and do – it’s their fault.

It’s easier to to try to make others wrong, than to have the courage to face our own gremlins.

Think of This scenario…

We send out a work proposal via email.

After a couple of days, still no response.

Our assumptions start to take over:

“I knew that I was asking too much.”

“They are ignoring my email.”

“After so much time I spent for free with them, they could at least answer.”

Why not pick up the phone and check what’s going on?

There are other possibilities that explain their lack of response.

And sometimes, even if our assumptions are true, remember, it’s not about you – don’t take it personally.

For Instance, Imagine That…

We meet in a conference and have a great conversation, even exchange contact information.

Then, you are in the airport waiting for your flight to go back home.

You see me at a distance. For a moment you think I also saw you, but I walk away.

You can assume I have ignored you – and there is the possibility that you are right.

If your next assumption is that “I don’t like you” – you are probably wrong.

During a busy conference, I use all my extrovert energy to the maximum of my capacity.

As soon as I get into the airport, my introvert self takes over.

I usually withdraw from social interaction, and if I saw you and thought that you didn’t see me, I would probably walk away.