BART winners and losers, Day 1: “Kneel Before Sal!”

One of the only good things about this BART strike has been watching the rapid ascension in power of the local traffic reporter.

These hard-working folks are the under-appreciated worker bees of Bay Area radio and TV news. They get up at 3:45 a.m. They appear to work in tiny cubicles made by Keebler Elves. They have to say “Back to you, Pam” a lot.

But in the world of the BART strike, the man who monitors the metering lights is king.

I’m imagining Sal Castaneda* pulling into Frank Somerville’s parking spot at KTVU this morning, walking past the news meeting with two middle fingers in the air, referring to himself in the third person a lot and celebrating co-worker birthdays by grabbing two fistfuls of cake before the candles are blown out. “Sal Castaneda ain’t got time for utensils …”

WINNER: San Franciscans: Ever since this strike started, my friends who live in San Francisco have turned into a bunch of smug jerks, flooding social media with all the ways this BART strike is actually bettering their lives. “Look at me, I’m walking to work! It’s a beautiful day and I’ve never felt healthier in my life. I think I’ll skip home today and drop by Bi-Rite Creamery — you should do the same thing! What? You can’t skip home because there’s a HUGE BODY OF WATER between your work and your house. And you don’t have Bi-Rite in Oakland? Wow …”

(Photo: CBS Television)

WINNER: Daytime television: In full “telecommuting” mode on Monday, I found myself turning on daytime television, probably for the first time since I stayed home sick from middle school in 1984. The programming is pretty much the same. (“Leave it to Beaver” FTW!) But those Mormon “Who Broke My Window!” commercials seem to have been replaced in ubiquity by TV ads seeking people with open wounds on their leg for a research study. Does watching “CSI: Miami” cause these leg wounds, or do people with leg wounds just tend to watch “CSI: Miami” more? Is that what the study is trying to find out? In any case, KBHK Channel 44 is going to have its highest ratings since the Reagan administration.

(Photo: Columbia Pictures)

WINNER: Anyone making a sequel to “THX 1138,” “The Pursuit of Happyness” or “Speed”: Here’s how I know BART management’s crisis PR team isn’t earning its money: No one from BART has announced that the stations will be opened at no charge to film students who want to shoot a low budget science fiction sagas on the platforms or in the tunnels.

In related news, someone needs to start pre-production on “Speed 3: Off the Rails” while they have the track to themselves. Pop quiz: Your BART train starting at the Fremont Station is heading north, and must go faster than 40 miles per hour or a bomb will explode. Can workers complete the SFO to Fremont extension to finish the loop in time?

(Photo: Courtesy Sal Castaneda)

WINNER: Traffic reporters: In less than 24 hours, Castaneda, George Rask, Kate T. Scott and Kim Wonderley have become the General Zods and Ursas of the Bay Area, controlling all of the up-to-the-minute information to the traffic-snarled community. If they were smart, they would align together, and each demand rulership of a mid-sized city (Alameda = Wonderleyland) in return for their continued traffic updates. Kneel before Sal!* As I said yesterday on Twitter, I’m glad I’m already married. You can only hope that Mike Inouye doesn’t institute his omniscient BART strike traffic reporter right of Prima Nocta.

(Photo: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

LOSERS: BART negotiators: The low for me is when Sunday afternoon came, and word got out that they stopped talking. We’ve decided not to bother any more today. Good luck getting a spot on the ferry tomorrow! I don’t care if there was zero chance of an agreement — at least offer the illusion that you care enough about your ridership to talk frantically until the clock strikes midnight. Patronize me! Walk upstairs and play Stratego with each other in silence, but please pretend that you’re burning the midnight oil in a desperate attempt for a solution.

Hoping both sides come to an agreement soon. Otherwise, Day 2 winners and losers …

*UPDATED 12:04 p.m.: To be 100 percent clear, I have the utmost respect for Sal Castaneda, who is a very nice guy and a solid professional who would never raise two middle fingers in the air or eat cake without utensils. (I do hope he takes Somerville’s spot, though. Just for one day …)

I’m sure he won’t use his #BARTstrike powers for a General Zod-style overthrow. But if he was our supreme leader, I’m sure he would rule with kindness.

PETER HARTLAUB is the pop culture critic at the San Francisco Chronicle and founder/editor of The Big Event. He takes requests. Contact him at phartlaub@sfchronicle.com. Follow him on Twitter @peterhartlaub. Follow The Big Event on Facebook.