The Eight Worst Christian Christmas Movies We Could Imagine

If there’s anything we can expect from Christians, it’s that they will ruin movies.

Since we know Nashville’s top Christian execs are skimming this post for movie ideas, we’ve assembled a few family-friendly (mostly), heartwarming stories they are more than welcome to use in their forthcoming Christmas films.

Ron feels deep stirrings of love in his heart for Jane, but he’s conflicted because of her blatant atheism. Jane could see herself loving Ron…but clearly he’s an intellectual ignoramus.

When Ron’s pastor gets sick, he is left with the last-minute responsibility for preaching the Christmas sermon. In an effort to gain his love, Jane goes to hear Ron speak.

Halfway through his sermon, Jane realizes: God’s not dead. He’s living on the inside, roaring like a lion.

She immediately quits volleyball to become a housewife with Ron, and she mothers seven children in their first five years of marriage.

Starring: Kirk Cameron

Herod: A Roman Musical

Herod rap battles his way to Bethlehem to try to find a baby boy rumored to be the long-awaited Messiah. The movie opens with the following lines:

How does a Jewish, baby, son of a girl who’s aVirgin, born into a stable cause such an urgentSeeking by the wise men and the shepherds,Born in poverty and squalorGrow up to be a Savior and a scholar

In the end, Herod learns that the key to good rap is not pride but humility.

This one is a smash hit—I promise.

Starring: Kirk Cameron

Candy Cain and Abel

Phil Vischer got bored with cucumbers and tomatoes, so he decided to take his movies to the next level.

This animated, yet deeply personal retelling of the story of Cain and Abel includes an especially gut-wrenching scene in which Cain cuts off the bottom half of his candy cane body to turn it into a shank.

It’s dark, we know.

Starring: Kirk Cameron

The Christmas Ch(urn)

Directed by recently converted M. Night Shyamalan, this drama/thriller tells the story of a young Amish boy’s mission to fulfill his father’s deathbed Christmas wish of serving others.

The boy knows only one way to do his father justice: churn his father’s ashes into 2018’s final batch of butter so they can be dispersed to the homeless at Salvation Army’s soup kitchen.

The big twist?

The boy and the father look exactly alike, and the dead person has been the son the whole time. He’s been carrying around his own ashes.

Starring: Kirk Cameron

Love at First Blight

Derrick and Ashley always let their family feuds determine how they felt about one another. They were constantly feuding.

That is until a winter parasite kills every crop on their families’ farms. Strapped for cash, Derrick decides its time to give his family the greatest Christmas gift of all: the love they receive from Ashley’s family after he asks to court her.

Starring: Kirk Cameron

The Birth of the Christ (Directed by Mel Gibson)

*sigh*

Starring: Kirk Cameron

Elisha the Bald-headed Prophet

This heartwarming claymation reminds us of everyone’s favorite Christmas story: the time 42 children were mauled to death for mocking the Lord’s prophet.

Starring: Kirk Cameron

Hollywood producers, these ideas are free. Take them. Use them. And give us 90% of the royalties.

I'm a husband, dad, writer. I drink too much coffee and know too much about Star Wars. I created The Blazing Center. I've also written some books which people seem to like. You can follow me on Twitter and Facebook