I never cared much for fantasizing about my future wedding, nor do I believe the (Western?) myth that all little girls do it. It was not until I had to plan my own wedding (with help from my now-husband) that I fully realized what madness is going on.

I observed—with apprehension—that weddings are becoming increasingly lavish. They cost incredible amounts of money that could otherwise be used to establish a somewhat secure life for a couple. They involve great and greater amounts of complexity in terms of clothing, food, gifts, decoration, and entertainment. They invite many and more members of extended families and circles of friends and acquaintances. And it’s not only in North America (where I live); I’ve heard tales of enormous, bank-breaking weddings from friends in India, China, and other places—tales that would strike fear into humble hearts.

Now, somehow, our permissive culture has turned wedding-related materialism and selfishness into “entertainment”. Sarah Haskins sums it up with insight and humor in one of her “Target Women” videos (which satirize advertising that employs gender stereotypes):

These “reality” shows paint brides as manipulative, controlling, shallow, and self-obsessed. Grooms are painted either as impotent slobs or indifferent chumps. Where is the equality in that? These shows highlight inequality as well as the widening gap between the rich and the poor.

The most beautiful and touching weddings I’ve been to have upheld both bride and groom as contributors to a new family, a new social institution (however small in scale), and have asserted that both members accept responsibility for the well-being of their relationship.

I suppose I can only speak from my experience when it comes to equality on the ground, so I will:

As I began to plan my own wedding, I made efforts to strike a balance between humility and hospitality. We wanted to host and be generous to our dear family and friends, yet we wanted to emphasize that the marriage was to be more important than the event of getting married, no matter how joyful and reverent it was. We took to heart certain examples set by the humble and greater-purpose-driven figures of religious history—in particular, those from the Baha’i Faith, since my husband and I are Baha’is: we read about the modest weddings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá and Shoghi Effendi (in The Priceless Pearl). We found it valuable to seek inspiration about principles and attitudes, even in the matter of wedding planning.

Yet we also had to contend with the extravagant climate. For example: I walked into a bridal shop last summer and was immediately bombarded by an overbearing busy bee who aggressively insisted that I fill out a form with all my personal information and details about my wedding (date, theme, etc.) before I peruse the store merchandise—which I was afterward sharply instructed to do (quickly, and with no shoes on, presumably so as not to sully anything). The gowns began at $1000 and ranged in color from “white” to “eggshell” to “ivory”.

I left the store. I won’t bore you with the details of my wedding, but I wore a reasonably priced blue dress. A select group of immediate family and dear friends gathered for a weekend, went tobogganing together, ate vegetarian food, and played board games. We wanted not only a just, moderate, joyful wedding, but a just, moderate, joyful marriage. We had a brief but lovely ceremony, and then it was over. On with the business of being married—and it is going very well; we both work to be equal participants in a balanced relationship. Now the only thing left to do is keep at it for the rest of our lives….

Ever since I started writing here, I’ve really started to think about what it means to see the equality of women and men in practice. I recognize that our true identity is not these secondary aspects of our character and physicality but rather that part of ourselves that is the source of love, compassion, friendliness and generosity. I’ve also thought a lot about how the document tells us that we should question underlying assumptions that promote a certain way of thinking. Ask anyone who’s been around me these past 6 months; I’ve done a lot of questioning. Some of them have managed to make it onto the blog. Many of them (lucky for you) have not.

For the sake of brevity, I’ll offer only one example here. Given that it seems that many people around me have been getting married lately, I’ve had the pleasure of attending several beautiful weddings. A popular custom of the wedding is the official announcement of the bride and groom after they’ve exchanged vows. The Master of Ceremonies might proudly declare, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I’d like to introduce Mr and Mrs. X”. Applause breaks out as guests indicate their happiness, love and support for the couple. It’s a wonderful way to allow the guests to show their love for the newly betrothed couple. This is also the time in which I turn to the person next to me and say, “I’m not going to change my last name, no one better introduce me like this at my wedding.” The wonderful thing about the world today is that for many changing their last name is a choice, one most do or don’t make happily and of their own accord. For me, it’s the assumption that I’ll change my name that I don’t like. Why should I, after years of holding a name, be expected to change it? Why is it just the natural expectation that the woman would change her last name? Those who have engaged in this conversation with me often bring up the idea of the unity of the family under one last name, the idea that you love someone and you want to be associated with them, among others. Those are both wonderful reasons to change your last name. But why are questions and assumptions of name changing rarely, if ever, directed towards the groom-to-be?

In questioning the cultural and social assumptions underpinning such a practice, am I really promoting equality? Does my insistence that I will not be changing my last name promote this principle? I think it’s easier to bring attention to more overt cases of sexism such as not getting a job or being ridiculed because of your gender but there are also smaller instances of inequality that creep into our lives. Often times the sexism that we will have to face will not be clear cut because it will have become so normalized in our society. There are layers of social norms and customs that reflect notions of male superiority at the level of thought and behaviour as well as in the structures of society. Is changing your last name one of them? Maybe not. But generally, how do we recognize and address these customs without resorting to negating every social practice?

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Welcome

At the core of this blog is the document “Advancing towards the Equality between Women and Men” prepared by the Institute for Studies in Global Prosperity. However, engendering equality is not just a catchy name, it’s also a process we are all engaged in. In order to give us inspiration to be working towards engendering equality this blog tries to create a space in which actions and reflections are shared by individuals on the promotion of the equality of women and men within their social space.