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Saturday, January 29, 2011

Well, fellow Prowlers, you know I'm not the only prowler out there. We come in all types, and today's guest post is from someone I'm sure you'll enjoy. I found him on Twitter (Chimpernel), and he has some excellent (and naughty) thoughts and advice for you prowlers and prowlers-to-be. I'm sure we'll be hearing more from him.

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Hello, a guest post from old Chimpernel eh? Well, who is this charming rogue? Contextually, I’m a white, mostly-hetero Englishman, indeterminably aged somewhere between thirty-five and forty-five. I’m married with one daughter. I drink, smoke and have been known to indulge in bullshit and outright lying. I’m a pervert, scope yet to be fully defined. But what does that encompass? Well, I’m a sadist; I like to cause pain during sex. I’m a “top” which means I’m typically the more active partner during sex. I’m slightly dominant, which means I’m comfortable with taking the lead and occasionally enforcing my wishes. I’m slightly bisexual, which means I’m comfortable with the male physique even when it isn’t my own. I’m greedy, which means I’ve quite a high sex drive and want sex a LOT. I’m a “service top” which means that I think my partner's own pleasure is usually more important than mine and that I’m prepared to delay my own gratification to that end. I like bondage, which means, in my case, that I like to tie pretty girls but that I don’t particularly like being tied up.

Well from that limited context info dump it sounds like old Chimpernel is a nasty piece of work, eh? However, can we posit that it is possible to be a sadistic dominant and retain respect and indeed affection for the person you are dominating and hurting? How does one love the person you wish to hurt? And BTW when I say hurt I don’t mean the odd slap on the arse, I mean really really hurt. I am a real sadist not a pretend one.

Let’s dig a little deeper into two key areas, sadism and domination. Both imply a degree of violation, a degree of non-consensual interaction. I mean, who could like being forced to do painful things or be restrained so that painful things could be done more effectively to them. I admit it’s not everyone who would. Luckily I have the woman of my dreams whose sexual makeup is a perfect complementary match for my own. She isn’t my wife though and that’s a whole realm of complexity and drama which we’ll explore at a later date.

But this is a blog for those on the prowl for extramarital complexities, so I’m going to give you my perspective of experiencing those complexities at the end of a marriage, because the problem with meeting the woman of your dreams is that it seriously throws into highlight how fucking awful your married life is and exposes all those justifications and rationalisations you’ve been using to mask how deeply unsatisfied, unhappy, bitter and angry you actually are. But let’s assume you aren’t there, maybe not yet or ever. Let’s assume this is just a bit of fun to spice up an otherwise slightly moribund life and hell, it might inject some much needed fun at home. It might be a meaningless one night stand, it might be something more substantial or it might be a mirror relationship, long term and fulfilling.

Either way, your first priority when you set out down this path, in fact even before you set out, is information hygiene, I’m assuming the whole safe sex thing is a given here people. Information hygiene is to do with, well basically, not keeping any information you don’t need to and thus not being caught via its presence or glaring absence. Email trails, SMS messages, phone records, MSN conversations, credit card statements etc. Handily, here I have some real expertise. In my vanilla trousers I’m a paranoid management consultant obsessed with information and records retention. The fundamental principles are very easy:

Don’t use your main email, use another hotmail account or such like

Don’t keep any of the emails/SMS, etc you send or receive. I know that re-reading them might provide some comfort doing a long and lonely night but you have a secure memory between your ears, use it, much harder to subpoena.

Online-only billing of credit cards is a wonder, same as online-only mobile bills, it means no one can accidentally open a statement and start asking awkward questions about common numbers, etc.,

Or just use cash for everything.

Now that you are aware of those principles, the next area is what do you want? Kinky sex with a nineteen year old, six foot, German nymphet and her adopted Zulu sister is unlikely if you are a charmless, balding fat lad from Romford with limited resources, though patently you have both imagination and great taste in sexual partners. In real life can you meet such a partner or partners? If not, then you might have to enter the world of online dating and possibly reinvent yourself by a profile which bears as little resemblance to reality as those of the people you will be talking with. Remember, if you have reinvented yourself as the third earl of Dudley the chances are that nineteen year old, six foot, German nymphet is another fat lad called Derek from Newcastle. I’ve found honesty is by far the best policy. Describing yourself as you are doesn’t mean you can’t use imagination and flair to expose the qualities you want people to focus on, and that doesn’t mean that charmless and fat has to equal “also has a 9” cock” to compensate for that*. For gents humour and evidence of both intelligence and a degree of respect is very attractive and for ladies. Whilst we are all very visually triggered, men actually care much less for small details and more for the whole picture and some evidence of “fucks like a crazed weasel,” even if that evidence is a cheeky smile and a hint of smoulder.

More next week folks, and I promise it’ll be much ruder too.

*On that note, the global average dick size is six inches and 99% of penises are within an inch of that length. If someone claims to have an eight inch dick, he’s either one in ten thousand or the lying has started right there.

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Want to hear more from Chimpernel? Keep checking back here for more posts! You should also visit his blog﻿, The Scarlet Chimpernel.