News & Stories from the Holsworthy Mafia

Social media in Holsworthy went into complete meltdown today. In the words of absolutely no one, Holsworthy went FULL Holsworthy this afternoon. What caused this catastrophic breakdown in relations between the residents of the greatest town in the world, nobody asked?

Well today started of like any other day on local social media. There were a couple people asking for recommendations, one person praised delivery service ‘Herpes’, Thomas Barkwill was probably tagged in a post and the Lions club advertised their Christmas shindig. However at lunchtime things went tits up !!!! At exactly 12 o clock ish, someone dropped this bombshell post.

“To the driver of a yellow seat registration WV10 ALO you seriously need to watch your speed, specially down the back road! Just pulling out of a junction that has poor visibility so had to pull out to be able to see and you come flying down the road and didn’t even attempt to slow down, if i had been a slightly faster then you would be slammed into me, absolute moron!!!!!! Also I know that horses are ridden down that road, you WILL cause an accident one day”

Now in fairness to the original poster the junction she may be on about is probably like every other junction around here, and obscured by overgrown hedgerows and covered in potholes (we’re looking at those bastards from DCC here). However, in an all to frequent sign of the times, instead of finding out who the driver was, by I don’t know, using the police, the dark web, or just by asking anybody in Holsworthy, because lets face it he’s driving a bright yellow car (so he isn’t going to be that hard to find). She chose to go down another route. Instead of doing any of those things, the person took to social media to express her outrage, and to let people know that she was truly ‘Fuming’. Well as sure as jam goes on cream her post was soon met with the seriousness Holsworthy is famed for.

Pretty early on in the comments the owner of the car admitted it was him, and also admitted ( as in actually said out loud for all the world to see) that he owned (as in he really did admit this) a bright yellow Seat. Now we don’t know what type of Seat he drives, but we’re gonna say it’s a 1lt Seat Mii. As soon as he admitted this, it turned out that really neither party was at fault, as it came to light that he was driving within the speed limit, and the original poster was pulling out of a notoriously shitty junction. However this did not stop the people of Holsworthy adding their 7p’s worth (inflation and all that). We heard from an outraged granny who posted in full caps lock, a women who drives an American car that can only go in straight lines, a world rally car champion who doubled up as the dashcam wanker in this particular case, and even the Overlord of moan and groan himself, got involved (skol). Offcourse someone also checked to see if the car was taxed and MOT’d, because this is 2018 and no one can mind their own goddamn business. In the end everyone had their opinion and most people agreed that whoever was to blame, threads on social media like this make the day go quicker, and provide entertainment for 4 or 9 minutes.

We at the Holsworthy Mafia spoke to the owner of the bright yellow SEAT Mii ‘Jack Days’, who had this to say:-

” I was driving along when a car pulled out a little bit, I drove around it and carried on with my day. No biggie really” We asked what he thought about all the media fuss, and how could he drive a Seat considering the Armada and all that. He said ” Doesn’t really need to be on facebook, does it ? And you lot could find something better to do with your lives. As for the ‘Armada’, what’s that? Is that the DJ’ing duo who brought out that song ‘Superstylin’?.

We also spoke to former world rally champion ‘Debbie de sprunk cox’ who also happened to be the dashcam wanker in this case. She had this to say:-

“I did record it of my £9.99 dashcam from Lidl, but my hobbit feet got in the way, so I couldn’t post that footage to social media and get many likes and shares. I really should find someone to take a look at my hobbit feet. I have heard that the Holsworthy foot health clinic are pretty amazing” (yes Debbie they are 😉 )

Now normally we would get a comment from our supreme leader ‘Darth Lord Hutchings’, but with an issue of this severity we thought it right that we spoke to the actual power in Holsworthy. So we got a comment from the Queen of the Andals and the first men, and the true ruler of Holsworthy, Queen Tammitha of House Hutchings. She had this to say :-

” I would have beheaded them both, like I did with Lord Stark. How dare they disturb me on a day of the week. Now begone you peasants before I burn you with wildfire”

I think we can all agree that whoever is at fault here, the true blame lies with Devon County Council for the shit state they keep our roads and junctions in. You can complain to those useless wankers here at :- we don’t give a fuck about you and your potholes

The Holsworthy mafia will not be updating this story as we are of to get a brand new Seat Tsi FR 2.0 … (true story as well)