October 23, 2006

Lists I made during today's daily commute

It's only Monday but I feel like it's already been a long week. Damn! Since I didn't want to dump or unleash my problems and stresses onto you guys, I decided to just post random thoughts that occured to me during today's commute on NYC's finest subways. Here's 15 minutes of nothing....

FIVE THINGS I DEEPLY REGRET HAVING TAUGHT MY DAUGHTER

1. Picking your nose and wiping the boogers on your shoe.2. Feeding leftovers to the dog. 3. Taking the batteries out of the remote control.4. Splashing in the bathtub.5. Wet willies.

FIVE THINGS I TAUGHT HER THAT ARE STUPID BUT HIGHLY AWESOME

1. Giving people a high-five while saying, "Up top, yo!"2. Bras make great hats.3. Panties on your head are even funnier. 4. Running around, pointing to your ass and yelling, "Poop! Poop!" (even when you haven't.)5. Waking her mother up by sticking your finger in her belly button.

FIVE THOUGHTS ABOUT "BLUE'S CLUES"

1. I find myself mesmerized by Joe's eyebrows. Is it me or are they freakishly bushy? 2. Whenever BossLady refuses to do something, I pretend to write in a notebook. 3. I always thought Blue was a guy but then I saw him/her in a bikini. Blew my fucking mind. 4. I know a job is a job, "Joe," but why take one that all but guarantees a life of celibacy? 5. I think watching "Sesame Street" on mushrooms would be fun but "Blue's Clues" would scare the shit out of me.

FIVE QUESTIONS ABOUT "SESAME STREET"

1. Are Bert & Ernie (a) roommates, (b) brothers, or (c) totally gay? 2. What the fuck happened to Snuffleupagus? Did someone put a hit on him? 3. Who owns Hoopers? Some rich dude driving a Cadillac who lives in the suburbs? 4. Are the Birdketeers and the Grouchketeers like the Crips and the Bloods of Sesame Street? 5. Was there any lingering bitterness when Kermit left to front his own show and become a big Hollywood movie star?

1. Jin from "Lost" (Being barechested all night sounds like a good way to freeze your nipples off.)2. V from "V for Vendetta" (When I tried on the mask, I scared the shit out of the Peanut.)3. Elmo ("Mommy, why is Elmo smoking cigarettes on Hudson Street?")4. Michelle Wie (I'm damn fugly in drag.)5. A Gay Redneck Asian Nascar Driver (not sure if anyone would find this as funny as I do.)

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1) Bert and Ernie gay, um I thought we all knew that years ago. 2) My pic for your costume is #5. Have you been to Oregon lately? You have just discribed my neighbor. I wish I was kidding. Hope you cheer up soon, if you need to laugh your ass off, may I recoment this blog: http://www.girlsgonechild.blogspot.com/ Her clip today made me snort.

Comments for Metrodad
(1) Chris says, in reference to the bath spashing: "Ooh, I did that tonight and thought 'I'm going to regret this.' It was totally funny though."

(2) My favorite subway rider was the guy on the L who chatted up my sister for 15 minutes while I sat across the aisle laughing at her. The fidgeting and dancing were great, as was the attempt at flattery that involved making fun of the face she makes when she laughs.

(3) Did Kermit really leave? I always thought he remained on SS as a roving correspondent kind of character.

Joe's predecessor (and alleged older bro), Steve, went on to be a pretty cool indie musician who probably gets lots of chicks. Any geek can strap on a Stratocaster and all memory of the fugly stripy shirt and talking to a blue cartoon dog will melt away. Check out www.steveburnsrocks.us

No, no, no - Snuffleupagus is still around. In fact, this morning he received a magic ukelele in the mail. I only wondered where he got the money to order such a thing since as far as I can tell, he has no job.

Kermit's success sent Grover into a hard life of drinking and drugs. I don't remember where I read it, but it was somewhere in the internet, so I know it's true.

Being Jin would be awesome, but you'd have to speak in Korean all night and carry subtitles around with you.

Oh, and I believe that Alan owns Hooper's now, but I've never seen his car. I picture him in a Honda, though.

Hey Bro you should go as my Finance professor because every night I'm stuck in class I crack up at the strange fact that he looks exactly like you. I'm thinking of going as Chozen, the wife Tamlyn and the Kid as little Danielsan and every few minutes I'm gonna throw my shirt at her and YCFYC real loud. Then I'll let the kid beat me up with that ridiculous drum technique.

Dude,you are way late on the whole Bert and Ernie thing. Although, I think Big Birds trying to wedge his way in with all the Journey to Ernie stuff.

Also:
-I always thought Joe was pretty cute (he's my age so that makes it easier). All you have to do is look Donovan Patton up on imdb.com and look at the message board (I only looked to prove my point.) and you'll realize that with some exceptions (people who think he looks like Jay Leno), most girls think he's still fuckable.

-Steve was better.

-I miss Kermit. My kids barely have any idea of who the hell he is, I have to sing Rainbow Connection to them every night to keep the memories alive.

-I don't miss Snuffy the Snorting Snuffleupagus.

-Something that might keep you entertained, Matt Harding's travel blog. He doesn't travel anymore but you could check out his archives. He's not a bad writer actually, a little on the whiny side, but hey, he's a fat lazy american and he's my age.
www.wherethehellismatt.com

Kermit's success was the beginning of the end for Grover, "a monster who ultimately allowed his own weaknesses to overcome him and nearly ruin his career. A genius, a tyrant, a womanizer or just a washed-up drunk?"

While I personally don't get the attraction, Steve from Blue's Clues has a massive mommy following. Plenty of ladies looooove him. Maybe they need to get out more. Then again, I have a favorite Wiggle, just in case someone ever made me pick.

Ah, NYC! Such a mixed bag of complete, total wierdness and divinely inspired humanity. Memories of my old subway commute rush back to me now...

For a laugh, go to this article from the Onion archives. It's called "Fire truck! Fire truck! Fire truck!" Having a two-year-old, you will appreciate it and them some.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/41917

You are too funny, MD. What is it with men and putting bras on their heads? My husband taught our daughter to do the same thing. She thinks it's so funny. Whenever she sees a bra now, she yells "hat, hat!"

1. a and c
2. He is real now, but he doesn't show up much because of the heroin.
3. Alan. He's from Hawaii.
4. I don't know, but if they are I am joining the grouchkateers because I'd love to wipe of the birdkateers in their entirety. A genocide of sorts. I don't hate any other group of kids this much except any child appearing in Barney or singing KidzBop.
5. Yes. I think it is why Snuffy started on the horse in the first place.

(ps - Maurice Morris is the running back who scored more points than Edgerrin James this weekend. Sukka.)

1. Do not mess with Bert and Ernie. They are roommates and rank only second in my delightful childhood memories bank to Mr. Rogers.

2. Do not mess with Mr. Rogers.

3. Blue is a girl and I think that was a secret. Magenta is also a girl. Paprika is a girl, and she is the daughter of Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper. My kids are way too old for Blue's Clues, which makes me knowing all this more of a problem than the lot of it combined.

here's a hilarious/insane youtube video. I cannot believe people even think about doing this kind of prank.
If the link doesn't work, just search for "japanese port-a-potty prank.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XQNLQrMqVZ0&search=japanese%20potty

I vote for the NASCAR driver. After the geisha costume debate, I formulated a get up that I thought about wearing where I live. I think it would be hilarious, but some people say I'd get an ass whooping if I wore it. Damn.

John recently had the brilliant idea of telling our five- and three-year-old sons, in his spooky ghost voice, in the pitch black car ride home late at night, the halloween story of the "man with the golden arm"... THAT would have to be #1 on my list of things I wish I hadn't let him teach them. We walked inside the house, and Quinn, the three-year-old, amidst Bryce's nervous whimpers after the horror story, put his hands up and looked at us and said, "Shhh! Everyone! Be quiet! Do. You. Hear. That? I think it's the man with the GOLDEN ARM!!"

i completely agree that Joe, from Blue's clues, his eyebrows are just weird looking. Personally, I like Steve better. and i miss Sock Puppet. (i spend too much time with my son and nephew watching these dumb shows!)

Oohhh I love lists. 1. I fully and completely agree with you on the bathtub splashing and I'm extremely glad I never taught my kids how to do a wet willie.
2. Panties on your head are funnier.
3. Blue's Clues is completely dead to me.
4. Snuffleupagus was an imaginary friend. If he had a hit put on him, how do you know it wasn't Big Bird and he just choose to disappear?
5. Ewwwww.
6. I love to see people give away food to homeless people, especially ones who you know can afford to buy their lunch everyday. It makes me feel better about society in some small way.
7. I think you should be a "Gay Redneck Asian Nascar Driver" and I want photo proof.

Blue's Clues is on our TV as I read this, LOL. I was so shocked and confused when I realized Blue is a female. What's next, a special about Blue and Magenta being lesbian lovers? And did you know the purple Teletubbie with the purse is a male? They are brainwashing our kids -it's a conspiracy.

Those "5 People" who made you fall in love with NYC all over again? Seriously - you saw all of that in ONE TRAIN RIDE? That's amazing! And touching! And hilarious! Although I would definitely find the rapping guy annoying. The DC metro is nothing like the NYC subway and we treasure the QUIET. Anyone who is talking too loud or god forbid SINGING OUT LOUD is going to get a hundred people giving him the evil eye. (No, of course we wouldn't have the balls to actually SAY anything to the person about it. We just sit and stew.) And it's "illegal" to eat in the metro system so no Egg McMuffins here! (THANK. GOD.)

While I prefer the other answers about Snuff, I think a few years back SS realized that it was bad to teach kids that people might not believe them when they told someone about a friend. I guess they were worried about kids being abused and thinking they couldn't talk about it? I don't remember the exact reasoning, but it was something like that.

I prefer the image of the poor baker tumbling down the stairs embedded in reddish brown fur.