she cant tell her ex about us

My g/f and I have been seeing eachother for about 6 months now..I belive it was love at first sight. We connect on so many diffrent levels. Any ways,,when we met, she had a b/f of 5 years. He was very unsuportive and all that. She knew they were over and wanted out. She had been looking before we met. Well everything was going great, on new years eve they officall broke up. He was her first everything,and now she cant tell him about us. She says she dosnt want to be mean. He calls and she talks to him in front of me,,its all friendly and i was ok with it., but now were getting serious. I went through the same thing, i was engaged,house,car,dog,,she left one day,,and i was happy,,i dont talk to her ,,really dont care about her..so i cant figure out why my g/f cant tell her ex after 6 months. Were talking about me moving 4 hours away to live in her hometown (she graduates collage may 8th).. i had a check list of what needed to happen for me to comit to moving to be with her and all have happen except her telling her ex. i belive he thinks they have a chance because she dosent try to hurt anyone,,but this over nice thing needs to stop.. I dont know if ill be able to restart my life with her if she dosent tell her ex. what to do ??? any help??

My g/f and I have been seeing eachother for about 6 months now..I belive it was love at first sight. We connect on so many diffrent levels. Any ways,,when we met, she had a b/f of 5 years. He was very unsuportive and all that. She knew they were over and wanted out. She had been looking before we met. Well everything was going great, on new years eve they officall broke up. He was her first everything,and now she cant tell him about us. She says she dosnt want to be mean. He calls and she talks to him in front of me,,its all friendly and i was ok with it., but now were getting serious. I went through the same thing, i was engaged,house,car,dog,,she left one day,,and i was happy,,i dont talk to her ,,really dont care about her..so i cant figure out why my g/f cant tell her ex after 6 months. Were talking about me moving 4 hours away to live in her hometown (she graduates collage may 8th).. i had a check list of what needed to happen for me to comit to moving to be with her and all have happen except her telling her ex. i belive he thinks they have a chance because she dosent try to hurt anyone,,but this over nice thing needs to stop.. I dont know if ill be able to restart my life with her if she dosent tell her ex. what to do ??? any help??

My advice would be to come right out and tell her that it needs to happen, she needs to tell him. If she loves you, she should be able to understand why you need her to tell him and not act like it's a secret. It looks like she cares about his feelings because she said she doesn't want to be mean to him. Ask her how she feels about your feelings? She will realize that your feelings mean more to her than his.

She's got the guilties about ending a 5yr relationship and diving into another one so soon..

She is too keeping the door open for her ex guy...She was w/him 5 yrs..
You only 6months...

She had no alone time for herself, she went straight from a long term relationship to an exciting new relationship...You mentioned this girl knew it was over with her boyfriend of 5 yrs but was looking? Was looking to get involved with a new guy before ending it with her boyfriend?
What does that tell you?

I'm sorry if I'm being blunt...I have a girlfriend who has done this not once, not twice,..but three freakin times...Because she is afraid of being alone and having a relationship pumps her ego and she too..keeps her ex's within reach and they didn't know about the next new boyfriend in line...

I think people do this for one reason - there are still feelings there and the door is being kept open. I say, if something seems fishy, it is fishy. People can drive you crazy trying to justify their actions in the face of what seems clearly off behavior to you. . You cannot spend time trying to analyze her behaviors that bother you. You can only lay down the law of what you will and won't accept and let her decide if she can live with those requirements. If you bend on what you need in a relationship now, it will not get easier later.

That's not necessarily true. WHen I broke up w/a guy I dated for 2 1/2 years, it was because we had a lot of issues that could not be resolved. It wasn't because I didn't love him or that he didn't love me. We still care very much about each other--even though we split up over two years ago....

I had been hoping against hope that he would "wake up" and realize that he had become complacent and comfortable and was taking me for granted (though that was only one of many many differences that we had)....by the time I finally ended things, I had really done most of my greiving for the loss of the relationship. But he hadn't. I started dating someone (very casually) after we split up, but didn't want to tell my ex. He was really hurting. And I am not a heartless B***h!! It even took me a while to get up the guts to tell him I was engaged last summer. He was really upset....but I wanted to tell him myself--wanted him to hear it from me.

SHe might be telling you the truth. That's all I'm saying. It may have nothing to do with you or your relationship with her!! If it is that important to you, by all means, talk to her about it, but I wouldn't issue any ultimatums. She has a much longer history with him than you. And she probably doesn't want to get back together with him. But she spent 5 years with him.....you don't spend 5 years with someone and not give a rat's behind how you affect them (unless they beat you/cheated...ok....NORMAL realtionships!!) Does that make any sense??

And when you move back to HER hometown (4 hours away) and she's out "job searching" for nine hours where will your mind take you? Whenever I have a major issue I take a year for myself, not only to ponder and grow from it but to make sure there are no rebounds. Thats fair. She didn't take 24 hours, let alone some time to get over her relationship. Hate to say it but you're not a new guy, you're someone she compares her ex boyfrind to and won't even tell him about you.. Tread carefully please.
So many red flags popping up in my head you could supply the matadors organization for a year.

Her mind is messed up she, she is fresh out of a 5 yr relationship with another guy. This guy was not just any ol' boyfriend he was her first at everything. I think its great that they are still friends but I am afraid that she may still have feeling for him deep down.

5 years is a long time and during a relationship like that there is a lot of talk about future and marriage. I am sure they have discuss this and she once saw her future with this guy then it just all ended. By her talking to him her old feelings are not letting go and she may still have some left.

You need need to say somthing to her and know what her true feelinga are. See where her mind stands..

Is there something wrong with you? Do you have a problem other than completing this so called check list? If it was me, "I" would get on the phone and have a serious straight conversation with the guy.

Is there something wrong with you? Do you have a problem other than completing this so called check list? If it was me, "I" would get on the phone and have a serious straight conversation with the guy.

With the guy? If I have to talk to the guy in order for my girlfriend to get the message, the gf is not worth it. I always felt like if you have to warn someone to stay away for your man or woman, you better question if your man or woman is worth keeping.

Ok, guess I didnt see it before but...
You started this thread with "She can't tell her ex about us".
What it should be is "She refuses to tell her ex about us because I allowed those behaviours before and now I'm trying to change them or maybe she just doesn't want to". Its sad but a LOT of people say certain behaviours are ok at the beginning thinking they will stop later. Then when they don't, all of a sudden we "have a problem". Another expression I like is when someone has one foot in yesterday, one foot in tomorrow and in that process of indecision is peeing all over today. Its not that she cant, its just that she chooses not to. You need to act on that, not react to that.

With the guy? If I have to talk to the guy in order for my girlfriend to get the message, the gf is not worth it. I always felt like if you have to warn someone to stay away for your man or woman, you better question if your man or woman is worth keeping.

Who said anything about warning the other to stay away? I would get on the phone and explain to the guy that she is not interested in him anymore and try to convince him it is over. Why prolong the situation when it is inevitable. It is not helping any of the 3 people involved. I would have decent conversation with the guy and try to get this situation over with once and for all. I wouldn't warn anybody over the phone. If it came to it, as a last resort, I would take care of that personally but I'm not a person that reacts irrationally.
In the end though, the decision still rests with the girl, which one of the two guys she will choose but still, that doesn't mean she has to be the one to let the other guy know where she stands.

I agree with Salinas. You'll just end up ticking off your gf. If you mean that much to her....she'll tell him.

Well, at the moment, he seems to be the one getting ticked off waiting for this situation to get resolved. Is that any better a situation than vice versa? One can also make the argument that if she means that much to him... he will talk to him. As Promisez said "You need to act and not react" one way or the other instead of just waiting around.