Random footballer comparisons

Come up with two obscure and completely randomly remembered footballers, compare them, and decide which one would most likely win in a game of football to the death. Elements that may or may not decide the outcome of said game are numerous, for example:

- Vision
- Close control
- Finishing ability
- Long passing accuracy
- Their ability to withstand an argument over football with the Chief for more than three minutes
- Being or not being Quinton Fortune
- Head shapes
- Number of burglars they've beaten up

I'll get the ball rolling.

Mickäel Silvestre vs Duncan Ferguson

Most of you remember Agent Silvestre for the splendid work he did at Arsenal, denying them the perk of having an actual defence for the best part of two seasons. But he had many other abilities, for example the supreme shape of his head, which amongst others Freddie Ljungberg felt the full force of at one occasion. However, let's take nothing away from his biggest ever achievement, namely being the only being on the planet capable of having a child with a man over the age of 50. Having made Arjen Robben pregnant, the end result was that the glorious lovechild that is Gabriel Obertan graced and occasionally played football at a host of Premiership grounds during the last couple of years. Part kidney, part chronically old, Obertan is true proof of Silvestre's abilities on and off the pitch.

Duncan Ferguson, on the other hand, was a notoriously violent thug who scored some goals. It is once told that he beat up a burglar who broke into his home, but the most probable explanation is that he woke up dazed and confused, and simply thought Mark Wright had entered his home in the middle of the night, thus deciding to "give him a lesson".

VERDICT: In a game of one v one football, Silvestre would probably win, due to having at least an ounce of actual footballing ability, or more likely, one of his 80-yard crossfield passes to no-one in particular would end up in goal. Ferguson would probably try to head Silvestre's head into the goal, while occasionally muttering something about Bjørn Tore Kvarme being a pansy. Better luck next time, Big Dunc!

I know, I know.. The world would probably implode if those two ever met in a game of, well, anything, but football until infinite death in this case.

Ignoring that, this is a matchup of proportions. While Balotelli is proven to be clinically insane, drives around handing out money to alcoholics and homeless people, and also probably murders kittens at the middle of the night seemingly unfazed, Gascoigne is by far the worlds biggest consumer of alcoholic liquid. In fact, 60 % of the consumption of alcoholic liquor is his responsibility, and that's after he's supposedly quit drinking. Both of these had the world at their feet, but instead they decided to fire rockets out of their bathroom windows, or in Gazza's case, have the world at the tip of your nose, faceplanted in the tarmac after yet another boozefest.

VERDICT

This would be a peculiar game. It would start off with Balotelli not getting his shirt on, while Gazza would repeatedly fail to get in a career ending tackle on him, and instead hurt himself. Then, Balotelli would start throwing money at him, mistaking him for a random alcoholic, and also occasionally throw money to Bebe at the sidelines, who would be watching. Then, Gazza would get out his fishing rod, and try to convince Mario that they've known eachother the whole life, causing Balo to unveil a t-shirt saying "Why only me?".

The game would end with a moment of magic from Balotelli, before Mancini storms onto the pitch and drags him off. At this point, Gazza will not be able to walk.