Two weeks ago hubby told me that a friend of ours died in a car wreck that morning. We hadn’t seen him in a while, but we used to hang out pretty regularly. He was a member of my husband’s volunteer fire department, he worked full time as an EMT in a neighboring county, he was on the rescue squad in our county, and he dreamed of being a medic for Lifestar. He was 20 years old. He dedicated his life to saving people and he died in an ambulance on the way to the hospital. We weren’t really close with him, but last week was the longest week of my life.

Sometimes the world is a horrible dark place. Sometimes I’m afraid to walk out my front door. Sometimes it feels like my life is full of death. Sometimes I struggle to find the joy.

I’m not looking for sympathy or even encouragement. I’m just trying to figure things out. I’m trying to understand. Sometimes I ask myself if this is what being an adult is—learning just how unfair and scary the world is.

One thing I have learned is to cherish life. I tell my husband every day how important he is to me, and I’m learning to see through the brokenness of others in order to just appreciate them. Sometimes this isn’t a good thing because it can be crippling to be too aware of how fragile life is, and every once in a while I find myself fighting down the panic that something could happen to those I love. Because it could. I’m fully aware of worst case scenarios.

I guess it all boils down to trying to see life. I’m trying to see life. It’s hard because there is so much death, but I want to choose joy and see life. It’s a work in progress, but that’s where I am.

Thank you all for your kind and honest comments on my last post. I’ve tried hard to be honest in this space, and sometimes that means that my posts aren’t very pretty and show a side of me that I’m not comfortable with. I struggled for awhile with those feelings, and I didn’t want to write them because I didn’t want to upset bloggers who are pregnant or parenting because no matter how upset or angry I am about our situation and no matter how hard it is to feel left behind by those bloggers, I do actually care about them. I didn’t put any sort of disclaimer on my post because I wanted to be raw and honest and not apologize for my feelings, and I’m glad I did because it helped a lot and I don’t feel as stifled by this space now that I have said what has been on my heart for a long time.

One of the reasons I stopped was because I was tired of writing about infertility, pregnancy, and loss–I’ve been stuck in the cycle of pregnancy and loss for so long and I felt like I need some mental distance from it. And honestly, I still feel like that. But I do miss writing, and this adoption stuff is pretty overwhelming so I’m going to try to keep up with this blog by writing about adoption. I’m not sure how often I will be able to write because my workload as a funded graduate student is pretty heavy, but I do want to use this space to work things out, vent, celebrate, etc.

I also took the step to make an appointment with a counselor, which is something I’ve been talking about doing for over a year but never actually did. My school provides free counseling services for students, so I am meeting with someone tomorrow. If nothing else, I figured that the school counselor can refer me to someone who specializes in infertility/pregnancy loss (I have already checked the Resolve website and there is nothing in my area). It’s a start.

Also, blogland, thanks for making me feel less alone. I know, logically, that I’m not the only one going through this and I’m nothing the only one who has had these feelings, but it’s nice to hear sometimes. You guys rock.

I’ll leave you with this. It’s one of my favorite songs because it is honest about pain but it also contains hope. Sometimes I just sit and listen to it on repeat:

“After The Storm”

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won’t rot, I won’t rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won’t rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That’s why I hold,
That’s why I hold with all I have.
That’s why I hold.

And I won’t die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I’ll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I’m scared of what’s behind and what’s before.

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.