Does your child struggle to make friends? They could be suffering from social dyslexia

When Olivia Beck ‘preferred her own company’ and played alone in the corner when she started school, at first her mother Tori put it down to the fact her daughter was ‘just a little bit too advanced’ for her age.

When Olivia continued to say she found it ‘more fun’ to read her book at break-times than join in, Tori simply accepted it.But, a few years later, it was a wake-up call when her daughter’s Year 3 form teacher told her that Olivia had been giving some of the girls in her class her pocket money to let them include her in their games.

Today, her only child’s lack of friends is the main worry for this part-time lecturer from Potter’s Bar, Herts. ‘I thought she would find a friend to click with eventually,’ says Tori, 46. ‘But it’s heart-breaking to see her have no one to go on a play-date with and not get invited to the birthday parties.’

Every parent wants their child to have friends. And however reluctant they may be to admit it, every child wants the same. When the Children’s Society asked children what made their childhood happy, friendship was the factor they mentioned most.

Whether their children make friends is now the top worry for parentsCredit:
Ron Levine/Getty Images

According to new research whether their children makes friends is also the top worry for parents – above school work – with a third of parents expressing concern about it as they return to school.

Until now, it’s always been assumed that making friends is just something youngsters have to learn to do by themselves. However, a ground-breaking approach from the US is treating social difficulties in the playground in the same way as any other learning difficulty. Just as some children have trouble making sense of the letters they see on the page, it is thought that less popular children also have a sort of ‘social dyslexia’ - a difficulty understanding and interpreting social cues.

Considering that 75 per cent of communication is facial expression and body language, stance, volume and tone of voice - and 25 per cent is language - being sluggish at interpreting these cues can leave them at a serious disadvantageMichelle Garcia Winner, the California-based speech and language pathologist

Yet the new approach is not just for children on the autistic spectrum. It is also designed to help youngsters who just don’t easily ‘get’ the complex rules of friendship.

According to Michelle Garcia Winner, the California-based speech and language pathologist, who helped pioneer the new thinking, the reason some youngsters are left out is because they come into the world with fewer social skills than others and may also become anxious and frustrated, making the issue worse

While it takes the average youngster less than a second to read social cues, Michelle says it may take some children with social learning challenges a little longer, making it difficult for them to join in or say the right thing at the right time

‘Considering that 75 per cent of communication is facial expression and body language, stance, volume and tone of voice - and 25 per cent is language - being sluggish at interpreting these cues can leave them at a serious disadvantage.’

According to a study by Atlanta’s Emory University, 10 per cent of children have one or more problems in sending or understanding non-verbal signals - also known as dyssemia.

Friendship education is now on the riseCredit:
Agency

In a class of 30, that means up to three children will be left on the side-lines.

The result is that all too quickly they can be viewed as ‘weird’ by their classmates, a label which can be difficult to peel off. Michelle says: ‘It’s heart-wrenching to see the sadness caused by a child’s rejection. They may look stoic at school over time it can build into depression and anxiety. The goal is not to have these kids start to be considered ‘cool’, but just to help them feel included.’’

She believes children shouldn’t be left to struggle alone. ‘Many of these children can be spared this suffering. It’s never too early or too late to start teaching social skills.

‘Luckily the brain is very malleable. Sometimes it’s as simple as teaching a child the best way to use eye contact or what body language to use.’

A lack of friends can increase anxiety and depressionCredit:
Deborah Faulkner/Getty Images/Moment RF

'For example, in the playground many of these children stand on the fringes of games or tend to look away from the group they want to be part of, instead of looking interested.

'Teaching children to turn their body and shoulders towards the group and smile can often be enough to let the other children know that they want to be part of it.’

However psychologist Emma Citron believes it would help if all children were taught more about friendship because now they have to learn to deal with rejection and exclusion at an earlier age thanks to social media.

‘It’s true that some children pick up social skills just like anything else, like spelling. Some need to have unpacked and explained in order for them to get it. I would love to see more friendship education in schools.’

It is also the case that as digital friendships develop on-line there can be seen as less need to develop ‘real life’ friendships off-line. This means that a socially awkward child who may find it easier to make on-line friends where the rules around social cues and engagement are different, can further retreat into themselves.

Yet, according to child development experts this could be putting them at a disadvantage in the wider world where emotional intelligence is increasingly valued and can be a key indicator of future success.

Helping children develop their emotional intelligence through friendship, they argue, is as crucial as teaching them reading, writing and arithmetic.

Dr David Whitebread, Director of Cambridge University’s Centre for Research on Play in Education, Development and Learningsays: ‘Rough and tumble with friends creates strong emotional bonds and expressive awareness. Through this interaction, children learn to be sensitive and establish their limits.’

For Olivia’s mother, the idea that she could be ‘taught to have friends’ was a revelation because she thought it was supposed to happen ‘naturally’. ‘I found the possibility that other children did not like my daughter so painful, I just hoped the situation would magically correct itself.

‘'Now instead of feeling powerless on the other side of the school gates, I can finally do something and she is learning something I used to think was impossible to learn – how to be accepted.’

* Some names have been changed.

Tanith Carey is author of Girls Uninterrupted, Steps for Building Stronger Girl in a Challenging World.