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Sunday, 4 May 2014

So here’s a little sneaky look into an alternate future where George Lucas set out to do an ill-advised remake of the original Star Wars: A New Hope. Actually, it’s an unused script for an animation I wanted to make some time around early 2012, then the Disney buyout happened, Lucas stepped down and the whole thing suddenly no longer seemed relevant. But, you know, it’s Star Wars day, so what better time to dig it back out again…

STAR WARS: NO HOPE

By Tom Cheshire

Set in 2027, for the 50th anniversary of Star Wars, 82 year old George Lucas is about to begin production on the remake of A New Hope.

Ewan McGregor's house, phone starts ringing.

EWAN

Hello?

GEORGE

Hey Ewan, it's me Geoorrrge.

EWAN

Oh f***. What do you want?

Interview cutaway with Ewan McGregor

EWAN

I told him I was done. I didn't hold back. I told him, after episode 3, I said, George, I respect you, you made me a lot of money, but I don't want to see your pug-ugly face again. I wanted to sever our working relationship for good, y'know? But thing is with George, people say that to him every single day anyway. He doesn't even know what it means.

Ewan McGregor's house - Ewan is arguing with George down the phone

EWAN

No George, just no. There is no way … look it's not gonna happen George.. George! I'm not going to be a part of it! Not for 5 million, not for 10…

GEORGE

I can give you 2 million now, plus 15 once we make the movie.

EWAN

… 17?

Interview cutaway with Ewan McGregor

EWAN

He knows exactly how to get what he wants. It's really simple with George. Money solves everything. I should have asked for more.

Interview cutaway with George

GEORGE

We had to get Ewan back, there was really no other option. People say Alec Guinness was the perfect Obi-Wan but what they don't realise is he was a terrible Obi-Wan. Not the Obi-Wan that I had intended. I can't even bring myself to watch his performance. That was one of my main motivations for doing this new picture.

Cast roundtable, doing a read through of the script (really badly)

GEORGE

OK scene 17, Luke, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru at the dinner table.

GUY PLAYING LUKE

Gee Uncle Owen, I think the R2 unit we bought might be… have been stolen.

GUY PLAYING UNCLE OWEN

What makes you say that?

GUY PLAYING LUKE

I stumbled across this recred… recording he… and he said he began… begonged… er… belonged to someone called Obi-Wank… er.. Obi-Wonk, Obi-Wan Kennedy, Kenobi, sorry, George.

GEORGE

Why are you saying sorry? That was perfect! All that emotion in your performance, I’m right aren’t I Rick…

Producer Rick McCallum is sat opposite

RICK

It’s so dense…

GEORGE

Carry on!

GUY PLAYING UNCLE OWEN

Don't worry about that Luke, you can go to the academy next year.

GUY PLAYING LUKE

(turns the page of the script) … Yippee!

RICK

Oh… George… Oh it's so dense… So dense!

Rick is having some kind of orgasmic seizure all over the table. Ewan makes eye contact with George and slowly shakes his head.

Interview cutaway with George

GEORGE

People sometimes ask me since I have the technology, why don't I just do the whole picture in CG? That’s not how I roll. I'm a traditional filmmaker. I like working with actors in real physical locations.

George and the cast walking onto his massive green screen set

GEORGE

Here we are! Isn't it great! How are the costumes guys?

The cast walk on screen wearing entirely green onesies

RANDOM CAST MEMBERS

Great. Terrific.

Interview cutaway with George

GEORGE

Absolutely the best set I've ever worked on. The set designers really outdid themselves.

George and Ewan arguing on set

EWAN

Where's the set?

GEORGE

I'm sorry?

EWAN

Is this it? Is this what they've been building for 6 months?

GEORGE

Yeah. We're here.

EWAN

It's… We're doing the whole film like this?

GEORGE

Of course. It needs to be realistic. What do you think, Steven?

Steven Spielberg is visiting

STEVEN SPIELBERG

It's just a green screen George! How is this the best set ever?

GEORGE

My green screen is bigger than your green screen.

STEVEN SPIELBERG

That's… A very good point.

Interview cutaway with George

GEORGE

Directing is a really difficult job, really, one of the hardest and most tiring things you can ever do. I'm really hardworking, I'm always looking to shoot the most interesting shots and get the most out of my actors.

On set, George sitting in his director's chair with coffee.

GEORGE

And… action!

George SLOWLY lies back in his chair, all the fat bulging out and making squelchy noises.

(Montage of scenes of them filming the remake)

Ewan is about to film Obi-Wan's fight scene with Darth Vader

GEORGE

Ready Ewan?

EWAN

Yeah. Hang on, where's Darth Vader?

GEORGE

Oh, he's gonna be added in post processing. The suit isn't good enough for my vision so we're doing him digitally this time.

EWAN

Are you having a laugh? What the f*** am I supposed to do?

GEORGE

Just swing your lightsaber around. It'll look good!

EWAN

If you say so…

GEORGE

Action!

Ewan flails about randomly with his lightsaber whilst saying quotes like 'if you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine'

GEORGE

Cut! Perfect! That's a wrap everyone!

EWAN

When do I get paid?

GEORGE

Soon Ewan, soon, you'll get your 5 million don't worry…

EWAN

5? You promised 17!

GEORGE

Oh… well…

George pulls Ewan in close.

GEORGE

I am altering the deal. Pray I do not alter it further.

EWAN

This deal gets worse all the… no wait come back here! This isn't fair. You made me sign a f***ing contract!

GEORGE

By signing that contract you agreed that Lucasfilm Ltd, i.e. myself, has the right to alter individual budgets, performances and credits at will without mutual consent. You quit then fine, I don't have to give you anything, I'll replace you with a digital puppet that does everything I want, the stupid kids cannot tell the difference!

EWAN

This isn't fair! I've been bored to death for the past 14 months in this snot coloured room wearing this embarrassing sweaty latex piece of shit and you drop my salary?

RICK

What's going on here?

GEORGE

This is MY MOVIE! And I'm making it the way I WANT TO!

George starts poking Ewan with his stick.

EWAN

Ow… what are you doing! Stop that!

GEORGE

Only now at the end do you understand!

EWAN

Hey, you can't do this! Piss off!

GEORGE

You are paying the price for your lack of vision.

EWAN

Rick … please! Get this jerk to stop will you?

Even though Ewan is barely getting hurt, Rick looks really worried and looks side to side like Darth Vader when the Emperor is electrocuting Luke.

GEORGE

And now, Mr. McGregor. You will die.

EWAN

Ow. That's… this isn't funny now George this is just pathetic. Stop it… George. Stop it. Rick?

RICK

No… No!!!

Rick picks up George and pathetically throws him on the floor

GEORGE

Ow… my back. That's not good.

George is rushed to hospital and is then lying in his bed in similar pose to Darth Vader's death. God appears before him and tells him he's rubbish, showing him scenes from the prequels as he dies. At the end George finally realises the error of his ways and pleads to God to give him another chance. So, God reincarnates him as a guy working in a supermarket. An Ewok walks past him. George does a double-take, then shrugs and gets back to work.