Soap Opera Scotland's Game of Gnomes - Series Oneby Rab Christie

Genre:DramaSwearwords: None.Description:EPISODE NINE - Will you push the button?_____________________________________________________________________You’ll remember, if you’ve been following the story closely, that we left Scott MacGnome last week waiting for an email response from Only the Lonely. Re: international gnomehood.

He waited a while. Only the Lonely was very busy ducking and diving, bobbing and weaving, avoiding actually making a stand on anything while telling everyone he was taking a stand on everything. Given the date, he was probably also getting ready for the spooky season which follows the silly season and comes just before the festive season. Who says we’ve lost touch with the seasons in Gnomeland?

But eventually Only the Lonely got back to Scott. His response was short, some might say terse:

What are you suggesting?

But this was enough for Scott. He had a way in. He took it. He went for a meeting at Only the Lonely’s office, which, he noted, was still a lot plusher than the converted stationery cupboard he and Angus inhabited. It didn’t matter. Scott didn’t intend to be in the dusty corridors of power at MOP for the full five years. No. His plan was much more audacious. And he wasn’t going for a transfer to Hillywood. He was going to push the button. Actually, he was going to get somebody else to push the button. And that was what his meeting with Only the Lonely was about.

While the Prime Mover was doing his moving and shaking around the economy, cutting a bit here, cutting a lot there, taking money from the poor to help boost up the rich who were not getting as rich as quick as they believed was their right, Scott was, if not cosying up to Only the Lonely and the Ineffective Opposition, at least infiltrating their ranks. And pretty rank some of them were.

Only the Lonely gave Scott the time of day. Not much else. Said he was in principle agreed with Scott’s plan – which has to remain secret for now to retain suspense true serial fashion –but pointed out that he would not press the button. He had said once for all and categorically he would not push the button.

‘I’m not asking you to blow up the gnome world,’ Scott pointed out. ‘But we need to make a stand.’

Only the Lonely agreed a stand had to be made. He also agreed that the MOP was not fit for purpose. In any way. And they both agreed that November was fast coming upon them. A traditional time for gnomes to build bonfires and burn things to the ground.

Are you beginning to get the hint? The plan? What they’re aiming at?

Let’s just put it this way. As Scott explained it obliquely to Angus – ‘The MOP could do with a bit of a make-over, don’t you think? Structurally?’

Angus was opposed to such precipitate action. He was a career politician in the making. Which meant he needed a place to ply his trade. And in his heart of hearts he was losing confidence that the Hills of Home at Hillywood would ever be a place he could be a free independent gnome. He was, you might say, having a crisis of confidence. It happens to the best of us. He thought he should go and tell the leader of #TeamMacGnome about it. He was worried about Scott.

‘Don’t worry,’ Scott said. ‘Warnings will be given. And I’ve got a plan. I’ve learned some politics in the last few months, enough to know how to achieve the result without the smallest trace of gunpowder on our fingers. After all, you can’t copyright an idea can you? Words that do not match actions are unimportant – aren’t they?’

Against his better judgement, Angus kept quiet. After all, he and Scott were buddies. In it together. Going through some pretty bad times. I don’t think we can blame him for his silence, can we? There are so many buttons needing to be pressed in Gnome Nation right now. A winter of discontent should be on the cards, but with the One Nation Party riding roughshod over everything and everyone, the gnome in the street had stopped paying attention – given up – gone back to watching dancing competitions and talent competitions and the modern day bread and circuses dealt up by the media to keep them in a state of compliance even while their birthright was being snatched from under their gnomic noses. Apathy and boredom are close bedfellows as the nights draw in. There’s a bit of Angus in all of us, isn’t there?

It’s too dark. It’s too cold. There’s no point. We can’t win. I need to make life a bit better for myself because no one else gives a damn.

Which in an ironic sort of way might explain how the Ineffective Opposition were beginning to win ground in becoming Effective in their Ineffectiveness. It was infectious ineffectiveness, if you will, which is a form of Effectiveness, but not a very useful one. Except if you want to be a career politician. Then it can be quite handy. You say you want a revolution? Yeah, right.

Let’s not cast blame unnecessarily but #TeamMacGnome seemed to be sitting on the sidelines. They kept turning up. They kept trying to have their say and they kept being kicked out of the park. The smarter ones among us could have predicted as much. One Nation power and glory was back with a vengeance. And things will only get worse. Much worse. Unless someone presses a button. Words that don’t match actions, remember?

Scott (and he wasn’t the only one of #Team MacGnome, but he’s our ‘hero’) kept sending memos and trying to get motions and all the talking shop kind of stuff that keeps the wheels of the MOP so squeakily oiled. The cynic might say he was getting nowhere. The optimist might say he was throwing them off the scent. All I know is, Halloween costumes notwithstanding, it’s getting pretty desperate at the last chance saloon.

Here’s a sample of Scott’s ideas – since you’ll never hear them debated in the chamber.

First. Debates in the chamber. Scott wrote: ‘It has come to my attention that a lot of time is wasted in debates. ‘Catching the speaker’s eye’ is a ridiculous idea. We all know that the questions are lined up in advance and that the whole event is a piece of ‘theatre’. Might I suggest that we are not actors, we are politicians and that we might make things work more smoothly if the topic of each debate was circulated electronically around all members in advance. All members were given a cut-off date to come up with their thoughts, responses, ideas. This ‘big data’ could then be analysed and collated into thematic concerns and time allocated to debate each of the issues which are agreed by all to be of most importance. The best speeches would be given the debate proposition/opposition status and then debated. Each party is given a chance to speak for each topic - and the debate is a focussed REAL debate rather than a talking shop, a points scoring exercise or the attempt to ‘talk out’ an idea which doesn’t appeal to the government. Further, I suggest that all members should attend the weekly IMPORTANT debates which are of national importance and committees deal with the more run of the mill issues.’

This was sent back to Scott with a red pencil mark saying – essentially this is what we do already - More specifically: ‘Cannot see how you are improving the system. Also. Note the chamber is not of a commodious size to facilitate your request were it sensible. And please do not employ the use of capitals in your emails. It is not appropriate etiquette for a member of this place.’

You sigh. You ask yourself: Where is the honesty? Where is the transparency? Where is the doing this for the good of the gnome population? But Scott, though he sighed, didn’t give up.

He sent another suggestion: ‘RE: Votes. The way this is done is completely inadequate. It wastes time and isn’t effective. We live in a digital age. Voting can and should be done electronically. In the hours this would save, we could have more substantial debate about issues of national importance.’

The response: ‘Electronic voting is subject to the possibility of corruption through hacking or other cybercrimes of which we are not authorised to talk. We don’t have the infrastructure.’

Scott replied: ‘You acknowledge that we do not have the physical or the technological infrastructure to do our jobs properly. This suggests you agree that the MOP is not fit for purpose. I want a debate (in whatever form you will accept) to discuss this matter. As a matter of urgency.’

The response: On the record. ‘We have much parliamentary business of more pressing importance to deal with this session so are afraid that this issue will have to be mothballed until a later date. We’ll keep your comments on file.’

Off the record, Scott was collared in a dusty corridor. The response was a little more revealing. You might say he’d got them rattled. If he could work out clearly who ‘they’ were. It was dark. Faces were obscured. And of course it’s off the record. Which means it didn’t happen? Did it?

‘Watch what you’re saying, sweaty!’ he was told. ‘No one’s going to let you cause trouble and suggest that things aren’t going the way they should be. If you don’t like it, we can help you transfer.’

‘Is that a threat?’ Scott asked as amiably as he could from his position pinned face inward to the cold, dark wall and his hands up his back.

‘A bye bye election is always possible,’ he was told. ‘We can always dig some dirt which will smear you…’

‘Only if you have no regard for the truth…’ Scott began, at which point a sliver of light strafed past from the opening of an office door and Scott saw the smile creep onto the creep’s face.

‘Now you’re getting into the spin of things,’ he was told. ‘It’s a dirty old river, Scott, remember that. And more than one troublesome gnome has drowned in the sewer that runs past the MOP. We don’t need to worry about the truth. We have the power.’

Dark days indeed. The plot thickens. That’s your lot for this week. Maybe you want to spend a bit of time reflecting on the nature of representative democracy in the modern Gnome world. Or maybe you’ll just go back to watching sparkly dancers and tuneless singers. We all deserve the luxury of our 15 minutes of fame after all, don’t we?

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About the Author

G. R. Christie (Rab) is from a farming background. His political awakening started in 1996 with the BSE crisis and matured in 2001 with Foot and Mouth. He then studied journalism and politics and he now combines the pitchfork with the pen – or the crap with the computer!

Rab is familiar to many from his political/cultural commentary/rants on McRenegades and is editor in waiting at Deveron Press – launching in December 2015. He’s having a go at satire with the latest McStorytellers McSerial, Soap Opera Scotland’s Game of Gnomes – Series One.