After working this program to one degree or another for just over five years, I find I have slowly worked my way into a space of consciousness where I am spending long extended periods of time in serenity. Not that I have timed myself but to guess I'd say up until now on an average day I may go for say one hour or two then something will come along and I'll go on program mode accept it turn it over and return to serenity for another hour or so. Like someone cruising on the highway happily and going over the occassional speed bump.

Lately, big changes are happening. It seems to be tied to self will. For the last week or so anytime I have had a strong impulse to "do" or "want" some person place or thing to be a certain way namely my way (selfishness) I have developed enough of a "pause when agitated" to buy myself just enough time to choose to detach from my own self will. The first day or so I had to do it about every half an hour to stop the "agitation" buliding now I'm not having to do it more than three or four times a day and consequently letting go completely as deeply as I can has extended my serenity out to about three to four hours at a time. I don't seem to have to dip back into acceptance quite so much like a swimmer hopping in and out of a pool.

The freedom from self will seems to have submerged me in the acceptance. I have no idea if that made any sense. It doesn't matter either to care would be self will.

I remember one night, when I was a few months sober -- and I called and woke my sponsor up at 3 am in the morning. I was having a panic attack.

My problem was: I observed that I wasn't thinking about drinking!

I thought if I wasn't thinking about drinking and I wasn't fighting off the next drink -- it was a sign that I was about ready to get drunk. I took it as "the insanity of the next drink".

Needless to say -- my sponsor (and his wife) were not very happy with me calling them at 3 am in a panic attack! Let alone, for my panic to be over "not thinking about drinking!"

I'll never forget hearing his words to me: "That's what's supposed to happen! It means you've been doing some of the work!"

I've been sober for nearly 25 years, and I get so happy at times -- that in a meeting, people will act as though I'm the odd ball -- being sober and happy at the same times.

It's hard to believe the number of times that newer people in sobriety will smirk with something like "Watch out! It's a long fall when you fall off that pink cloud!" My reply? "I wouldn't worry about it, if I were you -- I've been on my pink cloud longer than you've been sober!"

It's amazing -- the high number of people in recovery -- that still don't know or understand that "happy, comfortable and sober -- is what really does happen when we do the work!"