Template for health-related media story

A survey commissioned by [not disinterested party, usually a group of healthcare professionals] has found Australia’s [healthcare type] services are woefully inadequate. Approximately [x billion] Australians are on the waiting list for [healthcare type] services, which leads to [all sorts of negative consequences].

[The not disinterested party] called for [healthcare type] federal funding to be boosted, especially in [rural and regional areas/indigenous communities/outer suburbs with lots of young families/marginal electorates].

Federal health minister [Tony Abbott] blamed the state governments.

“It’s not our responsibility; the state governments decide how to allocate health spending. Why don’t you whinge to them instead?” the [wingnut-eared cunt] told [Alan Jones/Sky News/The Daily Terror].

[State] health minister [whoever, they’re all the same] commented,”Without more funding our hands are tied. Why just the other day I flew first class to Monaco to attend on conference on world’s best practice in government blame-shifting which completely vindicates my position that we can’t possibly use any of our obscene poker-machine revenues or property taxes to pay for something as unimportant as [healthcare type].”

Opposition health spokesperson [Julia Gillard] said Labor would have a policy that would address the shortage of [healthcare type] services any day now, or at least before the next election, no, definitely.

“The government has once again turned its back on ordinary Australians and caused this crisis, which has every chance of leading to the complete collapse of society,” she told [the ABC/The Sydney Morning Herald].

As usual, no one made the obvious suggestion to get rid of the state governments entirely because they’re a disgusting waste of space, time, money, resources and effort without which we would all be better off.