Sunday, August 28, 2011

This should be the "I've been m.i.a for months and now I'm just bursting with happiness and joy and wanna talk ALL about it" post that I've been meaning to get to for a while now. But it's not. Those joyful, happy feelings have currently been put on hold. They've been replaced. By worry, anger, hurt, frustration.. feelings that are all too familiar. I'm trying to control my emotions, though (something I NEVER would have done before) and, even though it's REALLY hard to do, it's keeping me sane.. for the moment.

Alright.. snap back to reality. Emotional breakdown aside, things have been pretty good. Crazy, in unimaginable ways, but good. I haven't been partying lately, having crazy, single adventures, or just getting into stupid trouble with my friends. I guess I've been kinda.. detached. From everything. I've been inside this little bubble that consists of working, stressing out, trying to sleep, and working some more. This was, at first, a welcome change.. a slower pace. Now I'm starting to get anxious. I can feel this little voice inside of me screaming, "what's happened to you? WHO ARE YOU?". Little voice, I wish I knew. All I know, is that everything has changed.

I'm holding back.. a lot. If I weren't, this post would make a whole lot more sense. But for now this is all I can do. A weak attempt, I know. I guess I've just become boring now..

Monday, July 4, 2011

I wish this weekend never had to end. I'll admit, I was a little worried that it might be a rocky weekend.. but it was pretty much amazing. I guess everything is better when you're with your best friend :)

Mushiness aside for a second.. it really was an awesome weekend. Posting pics as soon as we get home!

Saturday, July 2, 2011

So I've completely been slacking on the blogfront lately. I'm gonna have to do a long catch up post when I'm on my computer and not my phone. Annnnnyway.. I am currently on a mini road trip, to Tennessee I think, with my boyfriend. Weird, right? A month ago, I never would have thought I'd even want a boyfriend. I definitely didn't think I would be at the point with someone that I'd want to spend 3 days straight with them. But I am absolutely, undeniably, totally and completely happy. It's about damn time.

We decided to spend our 3 day, 4th of July weekend out of town.. we didn't make any plans, just packed and left town (it was even his idea, which makes me so incredibly happy because I love spontaneity!) Other than me totally NOT being a morning person and him being crazy hyper.. it's been great so far.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Today was a good day. I guess I should say today IS a good day, though, since it's not over yet. So.. today is a good day. Aside from the little "surge" of emotions here and there, I've been in a pretty good mood today. I spent part of the afternoon at the river with my family, went for a boat ride, and just "lazed" (I need to start using my made up words more) around for a bit. Then I came home, changed clothes and went to the gym. I've decided to extend my "new chapter"/fresh start thing to every aspect of my life, including fitness. I set this goal for myself a while ago but I never really took the time to follow through with it. I've been doing a lot better lately and I'm proud of myself.

So, fingers crossed that nothing comes up, I'm planning on going to Charleston next weekend to look at apartments. I'm not sure what got into me, other than this rush of awkward emotions, and lit the fire under me to finally follow through with my plans to move. I guess I've just been feeling kinda "stuck" lately and I need a change. I'm excited for this. I'm not sure what I'll do when I get there but that's half the fun. Even though I DO know some people there I don't know enough that it will just feel like the same old thing. Besides, my plan is to meet new people and really put myself out there this time to every possibility. I've never moved somewhere new without a boyfriend or having a boyfriend back home and I think it will be good to be in a "new" place with no restrictions. Worst case scenario I'll be lonely and visit home a lot.. 5 hours isn't so far away.

I'm not really sure how I feel right now. I'm not sad, I'm not overly happy.. I just feel good. It's like I've found something inside myself that keeps saying "don't be afraid to do what you want or ask for what you want, do it.. take it.."

Saturday, June 18, 2011

You know what I don't understand? Well, other than people who have foot fetishes or wear socks with sandals.. I don't understand the way emotions work. I don't understand why, as humans, we can't just be happy with what we have. Or at least toss it aside and find something else to be happy with.

Exhibit A: Boy likes girl. Girl likes boy but in a different way. Boy waits a really long time to be with girl. Girl decides to give boy a chance. Boy is happy. Girl is not feeling the same way as boy so girl ends things with boy. Boy is sad. Girl knows this is the best decision. Boy says goodbye. Girl wants boy back.

What the heck?! Before I start ranting.. let me continue on with this little scenario. Alright, boy is gone and girl wants him back. Boy comes back and girl is happy. Boy wants to spend time with girl. Girl wants to be alone pretty much ALL the time. Boy gets upset. Girl ends it. Boy is sad but goes away again. Girl, who did not want boy, wants boy back.

This, obviously, is just a hypothetical situation (that, obviously, is a lie) but this whole scenario blows my mind. Why do we want what we can't have? Or why don't we just want what we CAN have when we HAVE it?! I hate this. I hate feelings and emotions with every fiber of my being. Yes, I realize that hate is a feeling and I hate it too.

Whatever it is that takes over.. that little thing there in the back of our minds when our head is saying, "you know this is the right thing, you need to let go" Yeah, you know that thing I'm talking about? Well.. I DO NOT LIKE IT. It's like the head is fighting the heart. For every logical explanation the head comes up with for why you shouldn't do/want/feel something, the heart just counteracts that. But not in simple debate form, no. The heart is a tricky little bastard and pulls out all these memories that you didn't even know you had. Completely irrelevant memories that meant so little at the time that you didn't even notice, or care enough to file them away, but now they're all you think about. The heart attaches every song, whether happy or sad, to that person and keeps replaying those obnoxious songs over and over in your head. The heart makes you type long, heartfelt letters to that person and pour out everything you have. Then, when your head tells you to destroy that letter and never actually send it, the heart makes you wait a day and do it all over again. I'm not sure what I dislike most.. the heart for feeling all this crap in the first place or the head for not being stubborn enough to tell the heart no. It's that simple. It should be anyway. Just say no. Even when it feels like your heart is being ripped into a million tiny pieces, your whole body just feels empty and numb, and you can't think about anything else.. JUST. SAY. NO.

It's simple.. right?

Oh well.. moving on. Tomorrow (technically today) is father's day. I'm looking forward to spending some time with my family. I just wish it wasn't Sunday already. I feel like the weekends go by so much faster than they used to. I dislike that almost as much as the heart. Anyway, I should have some pretty interesting posts coming up if this week plays out anything like I expect it to. Fair warning, a few will probably be containing more angry rants from me about feelings. Disregard this, I'm feeling highly emotional at this time. Nothing the right amount of drugs, alcohol and sex can't fix. Just kidding. Seriously though, I'm kidding.

I haven't blogged in a long time. So much has changed and so much has stayed the same.. it's weird. I've been up and down, back and forth with the same relationship for a little while now and it's been taking a toll on me. I can finally say, with total confidence in my decision, it's over. Honestly, I've learned a lot about myself and what I truly want in this whole process. While I'll always love this person, and always hold out hope that he can go back to being one of my best friends someday, he just wasn't "the one". Of course, hurting him hurts me but I have this peace inside of me now that tells me I made the right choice. I know God has a plan for me. I don't know what it is or where it's gonna take me.. but I know I have to do everything in my power to follow that plan, no matter what.

The wonderful job that I fell in love with from the start is proving to be anything but wonderful now. I really like the job itself but the drama from a specific person at said job is just insane. The last 2 weeks have been filled with drama and tension beyond anything I've ever seen. I thought getting a "grown up job" meant I might actually be working with grown ups. Boy, was I wrong! I have, for the most part, been able to get over the drama and not sweat the small stuff. After all, I have bills to pay and I don't go to work to play with my friends. At the end of the day, I leave the drama there and try to come home happy. Some days, I succeed. Other days I fail miserably. It's a work in progress.

For the most part, I'm pretty content. I've set a time frame for some things I want to achieve and I feel like everyday I'm just counting down to those moments. As frustrating as that is, it gives me something to look forward to and I can't complain about that.

One thing really weighing on my heart lately is how much I miss my family. There are moments when I feel so far away, so disconnected. This happens mostly when I get wrapped up in the drama and stress myself to the point of no return. Sometimes I don't feel like myself anymore and I find myself just longing to be around the people that keep me grounded and remind me to stay true to myself. I guess it's pretty easy to take your family for granted sometimes but life has a way of forcing you to think about what really matters. I'm blessed to have an amazing, supportive family. Especially in times like that.

I heard a quote the other day and even though I can't remember it word for word, I took a lot away from it. Basically it said that life is like a book, you have good chapters and you have bad. Well, I'm turning the page in my book. I've come to the end of a chapter filled with insecurity, doubt, and sadness. It's time to start creating a new chapter and that's exactly what I intend to do. I feel confident, powerful, in charge of my life for the first time in.. well, ever. I know what I want and I have the motivation and determination to get it all. I'm done taking life one step at a time.. I'm jumping, skipping, running head-on into life, full force. I'm alive, on fire, full of the will to just live. I can't wait to see where God will take me :)

Sunday, May 22, 2011

I don't even know where to start.. the past week was a little rough. I have to say it did go by pretty quickly but it was still just stressful enough to make me wanna pull my hair out at the end of every day. Next weekend will be a 3 day weekend for me, which means the week is probably gonna drag by at a glacial pace. Oh well.

This weekend was a disaster to say the least. Saturday night I had agreed to go to a bachelorette party with a friend, as moral support. Her new husband's ex was going to be there and I guess she felt like she might need backup in case, for lack of better words, shit went down. Of course, me being me, I agreed to be the good friend and go along. It might not have been so bad had I not gotten sufficiently drunk by 8 pm and said ex wasn't ugly and pregnant. Biting my tongue is not something I'm good at, nor do I enjoy practicing, but I took one for the team and didn't hit the boring, whiny, pregnant girl.

Anyone who has ever partied with me knows I pretty much never get sick. I mean, I might FEEL like I'm going to get sick, but I hardly ever do. Saturday night.. I got sick. And you would think that would be my cue to stop drinking liquor and start drinking water, right? Nope. Apparently, drunk me thought that meant my stomach made more room for drinks. Winning? I don't think so. So, things went downhill quickly and just kept going.. and going.. and going.

Needless to say, I was useless all day today. I got home around 9 am (WAY too early), then passed back out until about 5. I'm still exhausted and not, in any way, ready for work tomorrow. I am starting to get in a nice little routine though, which makes me feel less stressed about Monday. I'm sure it's gonna be as hectic and tiring as Mondays usually are.. but I need a vacation from my weekend. Seriously.

Monday, May 16, 2011

This one is personal. I don't know if he'll see it, doesn't really matter, I just need to say it.

From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry. I wish I could understand why things are, and always have been, this way between us. You know that I wish things were different more than anything but I've come to accept that it just "is what it is" with us. Does it hurt? Yes. Does it suck? A whole lot. I used to consider you one of my best friends. You were someone I could laugh, cry, be my completely insane self around. Why that could never translate into something more, I honestly don't know. I do know that it breaks my heart though.. to have hurt you, to have lost you, to think that things will never be the same with us again. If I know anything, it's that everything happens for a reason. What reason? That I don't understand.. but one day I will. Until then, it's probably gonna hurt and it's probably gonna suck. But I'm still gonna love you. I'm still gonna be here, be your friend. I will pray every single day for you. I will pray that you're loved, successful, happy beyond imagination. Because you deserve nothing less. I truly don't think anyone could ever understand me like you do, care about you like I do, or realize what we had. I miss you, I love you.

First, I deleted my facebook. It seems like such a silly thing to even call a "decision" but if you had any idea how much of my time I actually spend on there, you'd understand that this is a big deal. What made me decide to do this? Drama, temptation and the fact that I'm just plain annoyed with the shallowness of the people I call my "friends" on there. How long have I been saying I want to do better, be better? As if I think my life is going magically fix itself and smack me in the face when everything is all better. Nope. I'm done with the shallowness and immaturity. I don't want, or need, it in my life. I don't know how long this will last.. but I know I already feel better as a result from being "disconnected" with that part of my life.

My second decision, MAKE A DECISION. I know that I want things to be different.. but how? Where do I start? By making the decision to change.. and DOING it. I used to be madly in love with life. Literally wake up smiling. It sounds so cliche.. but I used to have this fire inside. And lately I'm not sure where that's gone. Frankly, I think I've just become scared. Scared to take chances, scared of failure, scared to look like an idiot. I've become so reserved, so self conscious, so worried about "what will people think". It's time to forget that. It's time to ask myself, "what do YOU think?" and I am.

Today I took a chance. I got hurt.. and in the past I would have closed up and acted as if I didn't care. Today I didn't. Did it make a damn bit of difference? Nope. But at least I tried. And you know what.. that IS all that matters. I tried. I put myself on the line, took a chance on looking like a fool, risked getting hurt a little. And it was TOTALLY WORTH IT. I want everyday to be like this. It's a little painful, I'm not gonna lie.. but it's also entirely freeing and exhilarating. I can sleep at night knowing that I put it all out there.. when I got a chance, I took it. That's me from now on. First comes God.. then comes happiness, joy, freedom. I think, deep down, I've been waiting around for someone to come into my life and bring all those things to me. All along, they've been in me.. waiting to come out, all I have to do is just LIVE.

That's my main focus right now. Living my life, putting God first, being happy. Honestly, I think they all go hand in hand. Even though I'm a little bummed.. I'm feeling lighter than I've felt in a long time. Somehow I feel like being disconnected from the wrong things is only pushing me to be connected to right ones. I hope so.. I want that, need that, more than anything right now. I don't understand it.. but I'm happy.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Your home and family life may face something of a crisis or turning point today. If you and your partner have not been clear on your future direction, you may find yourselves asking where you want to go from here. A loved one may be dealing with an emotional challenge.

Check.. check.. annnnd.. check. Wow. I'm not loving the truth in this horoscope. I demand some positivity from you, Universe! Okay, moving on..

Today was NOT a good day. Just what I get for being overly optimistic about this week. Positive note? It didn't rain on me while I was wearing a white shirt, no birds pooped on my shoulder, and I didn't split my pants. Yes, I'm now taking the "it could always be worse" approach now. Honestly, what's worse than bird poop? No answers to that, please.

This is gonna be a busy week for me. Which is a good thing, it'll go by quickly. I'm also gonna be dead tired by Friday.. but I am NOT complaining. Busy means productive and productive means happy. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..

Sunday, May 8, 2011

What did I decide today? God is like chocolate. The more you get, the more you want. Except too much God never makes you sick or fat. God is great :)

Today started out great. Actually, it started out with me waking up super late and barely making it to church on time.. but after that it was great. After church, I had mother's day lunch and spent time with the family. Since I got my new job I haven't seen them much and it was nice to just relax and hang out with them.

I feel really good about getting back into church. I've known for a while that it would be a good, positive change for me but I've definitely been slacking. It's amazing how much better I feel when I open up my heart completely and just let God take over. It seems like things just keep falling into place.. a very welcome change.

With everything falling into place, of course something would have to fall "out" of place. I thought I'd take a chance on someone that, against his efforts, has been on the back burner for a while. I've been on the fence about this, since I don't really have time for a relationship right now, but I decided to give it a chance. What's the worst that could happen, right? Well, he did exactly what I knew he was gonna do. He doubted everything and let his insecurity get in the way. Honestly, I think I'm better off. I'm not really upset about him not working out as a boyfriend, but I am sad that I've lost him as a friend. I knew it was coming though, so I guess I'm numb to it.

I'm really looking forward to this week. I don't know if I could possibly love my job more and I'm getting into a good routine. I even have less and less "mental breakdown" thoughts throughout the day. And now I have no relationship issues to deal with. Things can only keep getting better it seems :)

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Everything is gonna be okay. I know this.. I just have to keep reminding myself.

I've had about 8 hours of sleep total the last two nights. Aside from being exhausted, work has been great. I really love my job, which helps the days go by faster, and I'm so thankful for the chance to work with such awesome people. If I can just get caught up on sleep and eliminate some stress.. I think I might get out from under my little cloud of darkness and back to my oblivious state of "happy happy, joy joy".

On a positive note, I'm finding it a lot easier to blog now that I've gotten everything out. I mean, I don't really have a lot to talk about right now but, at the same time, I don't feel like I've hit an emotional brick wall. Progress? I hope so.

I've cut a few people out of my life. Some were cut out intentionally and some just kinda wandered out on their own. I think this has been good for me. I'm starting to realize who my real friends are and which people were just along for the fun, the parties, etc. I'm glad that's becoming a smaller part of my life. Don't get me wrong I still know how to have fun, and still want to, but I see nothing wrong with settling down a little. You can still have fun without going overboard and that's a good balance for me. I need a little stability in my life right now. I'm not saying no more partying.. but I'm definitely drawing a fine line between "party friends" and real friends. As well as making sure they stay very separated.

That being said, no more guys. I mean, the guys from the past that I've played the silly games with, etc etc. I neither want or need a guy who only comes around when one or both of us is drinking/drunk. Usually, that means I can only tolerate him when I'm not sober and who needs someone like that around? Not this girl. Not only am I starting to realize what I want in a friend, I'm starting to realize what I DON'T want in a relationship. Settling down is so weird. I'm still content with being semi-single, though. Mainly because I just don't have the time for anything serious in my life right now. I have enough craziness to deal with on my own without dragging someone else into the mix full time. I'm not exactly single.. but I wouldn't say I'm in a relationship either. I'm just taking my time to decide what I want. And you know what.. GOOD FOR ME. I haven't done that in a while. I always said I wasn't gonna settle for less than what I deserved or wanted. But the last few guys I've "dated" have all had something "off" about them and I had to talk myself into those things being okay with me. Finally, I'd just reach a breaking point and think, "What the hell are you thinking!? That behavior is NOT okay!"

I'm doing what I want, what I need.. for ME. And I feel myself getting happier by the minute. It will all get better with time.

Monday, May 2, 2011

I haven't blogged in a while and I don't really know why. I have so much going on in my life right now.. but for some reason, every single time I log on and find myself face-to-face with this blank screen, I'm at a loss for words. I guess I've done such a good job at keeping everything bottled up inside lately that it just doesn't wanna come out now. At some point, I know it will.. and chances are it won't be pretty.

It seems like everything that's happened has been over the span of several months, not just 14 days. I don't even know where to begin. I feel like everything has come together, exactly as I wanted it to be. I have a new, grown up job that I LOVE. I'm finally learning who should, and shouldn't be, a part of my life. I'm starting to figure out how to do this growing up thing. After a long and extremely hard year of joy, pain, changes, loss.. I'm finally where I've wanted to be. Aside from being finished with school, I've basically accomplished everything I wanted to accomplish for myself. I have everything I wanted. So why do I have this sinking feeling? Why does it feel like something is missing?

I don't want to complain or sound ungrateful.. especially now. I know that I am SO blessed. I have seen and done more in my short life than most people even imagine. Every single day I wake up healthy, with a supporting family that never fails to show me love or praise my achievements. I have most everything I could ever want and more than I need. Yet, somehow, there's this emptiness that just won't go away. Like a hole inside of me that nothing can fill.

That's hard for me to say. I don't like to be sad, especially not publicly. I WANT to be happy, always, and I want to bring positive energy to other people. How can you do that when you have all this dark, heavy, negative weight on the inside.. dragging you down? It's not like I'm always sad, walking around crying all the time, or anything. I hang out with my friends, laugh, smile, enjoy my life. In fact, most of the time, I'm pretty content. I really have no reason not to be. I have good days and bad days just like everyone. Yes, most of the time, I'm okay.

The rest of the time.. I'm not. It's hard to explain. It's almost like this force, taking over my body and leaving me totally drained. When I'm in this state, I am either sad or just totally numb. And no matter what I do, how hard I pray for it to stop, it doesn't go away. It's not a moment of self pity.. I realize that I have SO much to be happy for. It's not just hormones or an emotional reaction to something. It's this constant feeling of "I'm sad and I don't know why". Sometimes so sad that it's painful and causes me to be physically sick.

It's extremely hard for me to talk about this, even to people close to me. I guess part of the reason is because I haven't wanted to admit it. I hate being weak. I hate feeling frustrated or helpless. I don't want to EVER need help. But maybe I do.. maybe there's strength in accepting your weaknesses. Maybe talking about it will shed some light on where these feelings are coming from, or help me to deal with them. Sometimes they're so overwhelming that "dealing" with them seems impossible. I wanted to "put it all out there" for the purpose of figuring out more about myself.. maybe this is the next step.

I don't know where to go from here. But I know that I haven't give up yet.. and that has to be a good sign, right?

I was having a pointless conversation about turtles, that led to me doing a google search for pictures of baby turtles, and I found this blog post that I thought was cute. So, I'm sharing:

This weekend, Jason & I took a nice long walk/jog along the road that leads from our island to the next island.. As we were heading back towards our car (still about a mile away), something on the side of the road caught my eye. It looked like a shiny pebble at first… but on closer inspection it was a BABY TURTLE!!

Seriously, this turtle was the CUTEST thing I have ever seen! About an inch long, it was soo tiny yet so spunky.. Our running past it must have startled it, because he was scrunched up in his shell, but his little eyes were darting back and forth, perhaps wondering when it would be safe to pop back out. We backed off & watched it, wondering if it was headed back to the bay, or across the scary road to the marshland beyond. After a few moments, the baby turtle emerged from its shell & TOOK OFF for the middle of the road!

Now, let me explain something… while this road is not a highway, the cars do drive rather quickly, and a turtle of this size would never be seen by a car! This little turtle was bravely heading where he knew he needed to be… unbeknownst to any danger though. :( It made me so sad to think of how many baby turtles must die while making a trek like this!

So, we decided to save the little fella. Jason picked him up, and we carried him to his destination: the other side of the road. He still had a lot of ground to cover, but at least he’d be safe from cars! We watched for a bit because it was quite amusing and he was sooooo stinkin’ cute! He got stuck in a little patch of grass at one point, which was really cute, too (we helped him through it), then he had to face a mountain to climb (really a steep dirt incline about 6 inches high).

This tiny little turtle stretched its little neck waaaay out and strained with every fiber of its being… but made it over this hill! After that, I knew he’d be okay. This cute little turtle sure had a lot of spunk and definite perseverence… and I found it teaching me a lesson! This turtle had a goal, and it would face any and every hardship and obstacle that got in its way. Sure, at times it would hide in its shell, but it was always on the alert, checking for danger & moving forward when the coast was clear. When the going got tough, he didn’t give up or turn back… he kept pressing forward, straining ahead because he knew something better awaited him on the other side.

I hope I can say the same for my own life! I know I have a goal (aside from Heaven), and that is to be more like Christ. Hardships and obstacles will often try to stand in the way of that relationship and squash my faith or ruin my marriage… but these are things that must be faced! Sure it’s easy to hide my “shell”, tuning out those who want to get close… but that’s not what God wants us to do! We must be on the alert, pray without ceasing, and persevere towards our goal. When the going gets tough - when our marriage seems like its failing, our kids are disobedient, or a diagnosis of a serious illness comes in - we’re not to give up our faith or turn our backs on our relationship with Christ. Those are the times to keep going! Strive for that heart like God’s, because it brings more reward than anything we can possibly hope for!
God doesn’t promise us an easy life, an easy marriage, perfect kids, or financial bliss. In fact, he tells us that in this world we WILL face trouble! But we need to be at peace, knowing that God is in control. We can face ANYTHING with Him as our guide!

I thought this was a great post, and a great message. Here's the link to the whole post & her blog: http://thestrivingwife.com/lessons-from-a-baby-turtle/

Thursday, April 28, 2011

I can't believe it's been over a week since I last posted. I can't believe it's only been 1 week since last week in general.. I have soooo much going on! It's getting hard to keep things straight. I promise to be a super great blogger.. just not right now. There's a tornado warning and I just got home from work. Which means it's gonna storm.. and I'M gonna cuddle up in my bed. Lazy and completely content.

So, it's been almost a week since my last post. It's funny to me that, at one time, I couldn't have ever imagined NOT blogging for a week. I used to post three times a day like an addict or something! Life has been throwing stuff at me left and right and, although I'm happy, it's been a stressful few days.

First and foremost, I have to start off with my weekend. Friday night I went to a Lady Gaga concert in Orlando with a friend. I wasn't ever really, well, "gaga" over her like a lot of people are. I liked some of her songs and thought she was a little odd but never really cared much either way. That being said.. I am now obsessed! For some reason, probably because of the strange things I've seen her do, I didn't expect her to be so real. She interacted with her fans and is actually a really great live performer. A few times, I got chills just seeing how many people were there and how into the show they were. It was definitely a really awesome experience. An experience that we very nearly missed, by the way! We got "lost" and ended up being an hour and a half late. Luckily, we walked in, sat down and she came on 5 minutes later. So, thanks to the perfect timing and great show, Friday night ended up being pretty great.

Saturday we spent pretty much all day at the mall then went to City Walk. Our plan was to buy a pass that got us into all 6 bars/clubs and check each one out. However, when alcohol is involved, things don't always go according to plan. We made it to two places. Thanks to a lovely little drink called a "hurricane" we got completely obliterated. We ended up making new friends (I know what you're thinking, not all guys!) and all went back to our hotel room for an "epic afterparty". What ACTUALLY happened was.. we all drank a little more and passed out. The night was still insanely fun though and now we have friends in Orlando :) Sunday was, most definitely, a day of rest. Maybe not in the way it should have been.. but still.

After reading my last few posts, I've realized that my heart just hasn't been in it lately. Not for lack of things happening, just because most things going on are really personal. I absolutely cannot STAND when people complain about something, expecting you to be understanding and sympathetic, but they won't talk to you about it. It's like this, if I don't know what you're going through.. I don't know how to help you. I get that sometimes you just wanna vent without getting into all the details of something, but I find it extremely annoying when people are vague. So, I've been trying not to do that here. As a result, most of my posts end up being pretty boring and vague anyway.

I guess I'm just in a really weird state of "change" right now. Between a new job, new friends, cutting ties with old "friends".. I'm just learning that things can't, or shouldn't, always stay the same. Change is good. Change is healthy. For me, change is necessary. I have so many things I want to do and, without making some serious changes, those things aren't gonna get done. Here I go.. 1, 2, change.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

This is a word that many of you might be familiar with, I know some of you are really good at it *cough cough*.. this is not, in any way, expanding my vocabulary but I'm in a sarcastic mood today. Deal with it. This word of the day is from Urbandictionary.com

Creeperperson who does weird things, like stares at you while you sleep, or looks at you for hours through a window. Usually a close friend or relative. You know right away if that person is a creeper or does creeper things. It is not hard to spot the creeper.

Ex: Jeff was the "creeper" in the background.

The last line of this "definition" cracks me up. "It is not hard to spot the creeper" I'm beyond amused right now! It's a pretty true statement though. It is, almost always, NOT hard to "spot the creeper". I'm gonna go ahead and warn you right now that this post has no specific point or train of thought. Don't expect anything super intelligent to come out of this. Actually, now I just wanna spend the rest of this post sharing stupid words and definitions. Nexxxxt..

"It was in the news feed"

An excuse you can use after Facebook creeping and getting caught. It always works, though the suspicious individual will likely remain skeptical.

Ex:

Sarah: "Are you creeping on me? How did you know I commented on that picture?"

Derek: "No, it was in the news feed!"

"Just sayin'.."

a term coined to be used at the end of something insulting or offensive to take the heat off you when you say it.

"Don't take this the wrong way"

What you say to someone right before you say something that can only be taken one way: badly.

"This is actually happening"

A phrase for use to highlight an ensuing awkward or unbelievable event. Mentioning that it is 'actually happening' helps to address either the awkwardness or awesomeness in the situation to everyone present. Therefore, can be used as a positive reinforcement to encourage the behaviour or as a negative reinforcement to discourage the offender.

Use in positive situation: Three hot women approach man and his friends in a bar and ask if they can join them.
Lucky Man: "This is actually happening."

Use in negative situation: A friend among a group starts to complain about other members of the group in an irrational and mood-ruining manner.
Any other group member: "This is actually happening."

"Do you"

1. acting in a way that satisfies you, not caring at all about what others think nor about your actions and/or consequences

2. following your heart

3. possibly the best advice you can give anyone when they have a dilemma

Ex: when my friend asked me whether he should hang out with the boys or his girl, I told him to do you.

BMS

Bitchy Men Syndrome. Male version of PMS.

Okay, this is taking too long and I'm too entertained. To avoid getting evil hate stares at work, I'm done for now. Seriously, you should check this site out :)

Back in the day, when Myspace was the social networking tool of choice, I wrote this on my Myspace blog. About a year ago, I read it again and couldn't believe how much has changed. And.. more than a year later, once again, I'm in awe of how much has changed since this post but I feel like it's worth sharing, so here it is. The first one is the original and the second is my, almost 3 years later, "reflection". I almost can't even believe I wrote this at 18 years old..

They say you don't know what you had until it's gone. That may be true.. but it is also true that you don't know what you've been missing until it comes into your life. Most of the time we don't realize that with each door that closes, another quickly opens. Sometimes we meet someone & wonder how we've managed to make it so far in life without knowing them, or we finally find that answer to a difficult question that we've been seeking. Often, when we don't even realize that we've been looking, we find something even greater. One ordinary day we find all that we have been searching for and all that we will ever need. In that moment, our entire lives are forever changed. As everything slowly begins to fall into place, we know just how blessed we are. Our eyes open completely and we can see the beauty in all that surrounds us. We learn that there is purpose in our being. Also that whatever may come, we should not fear, but have faith and with that faith, we can overcome all things. We find that we are never alone and learn that we have found a love that never fails. That there really is something, someone greater than us that we cannot see, but that we can hear and feel in our hearts. How amazing, how glorious, how perfect is He.. that has given so much for us, and asks for only our love in return. If we speak and we listen, He will hear and guide us to His loving arms. Although we have made mistakes, lost our way, and denied Him.. He forgives us.. and loves us. Not only that, allows us to share that love with others and surrounds us with others who honor Him and help us to see what we are living FOR. He provides someone to walk with, to love, to honor as well. Through these gifts we see just how much He loves us.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows

_________________________________

It doesn't seem like it's been almost 3 years since I wrote this blog. So much in my life has changed & so many times I've failed to look at the bigger picture & be truly thankful for everything I've been blessed with. I want to always be at the place in my life that I was back then. To wake up everyday & just be grateful.

Even in the last year so many things have happened & I've changed in so many ways that I felt like I had to "let go" of my old self to move on & start over. But maybe some things AREN'T better left in the past. Even if you grow & become a better person from it, maybe you're supposed to keep a little part of who you used to be. I've learned so much in the last year, in the last 6 months, in the last week.. I've realized my dreams, changed my mind, acted selfish & immature, grown up, laugh, cried, been happy, been heartbroken & finally I have learned to be okay with me. It's hard to let go & trust your heart, hard to face the fear of rejection or failure & just go after what you want. But I'd rather have a few scratches & bruises from trying than be unharmed & always wonder "what if.."

My biggest revelation? YOU CAN'T ALWAYS MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY. No matter what. You will always be trying & failing. In the end, you have to do what makes YOU happy. Because no one else has to wake up in the morning & wear your regret on their sleeve. Sometimes doing what's "right" isn't right at all & sometimes being "right" isn't the most important thing. Never again will I rule out second chances, or third chances, or more. Because if I feel in my heart, truly believe, that someone is worthy of my love & respect, I will take that chance. Never again will I hold back my feelings, be guarded or shut people out. If I let someone in & get hurt, so be it. Because nothing hurts like knowing later that taking that chance would have changed everything.

This is a new day for me, a new life for me. Not a "new" me.. just a better, stronger, smarter me.

It's just been one of those weeks. You know what I'm talking about. No matter how much sleep you get you're exhausted, barely dragging through each day, and just when you think things can't possibly get any worse.. SURPRISE! Yesterday, as you know, I was just NOT in a good mood. I was tired, everyone was on my last nerve, nothing was going my way. I kinda just kept to myself for most of the day because I knew my negativity was only going to rub off onto anyone that came in contact with me. Until last night..

I don't know WHAT I was thinking. I put myself in a situation that probably would have already ended badly if I had been in a good mood, but only ended extra badly because I was in a totally rotten mood. I had an awkward attempt at hanging out, which led to an awkward conversation, which led to an awkward "non-fight" fight. Which, then, led to me calling a friend and saying, "I might cry but.. wanna go to Ihop?" Because, as everyone knows, pancakes solve problems.

Anyway, I'm shrugging off the awkwardness. I'm not going back to my "I don't care" mindset but definitely entering a "yeah, okay, whatever" one. I'm not mad, angry, or upset. I'm pretty much just indifferent. When dealing with emotions: Indifference is my friend.

Onto the drooling part of this post.. I've been wanting to see the movie "Source Code" and, last night, I finally did. Rating? I'd give it a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10. Honestly though, I'd probably only rate it that high because I'm infatuated with Jake Gyllenhaal. I mean, did you SEE his cute little bottom in "Jarheads"? DROOL. Anyway, I tried to explain the movie to my friend last night and I totally couldn't. It's one of those confusing, "this could never happen in real life.. or could it?" movies where you wait like 45 minutes to even get to the point and then it's basically over. Overall, I'd rate the movie a 4.5 I think. But Jakey will always be a 10 in my book. Cute bottom.. sigh.

Moving on. I think I've developed a little crush. On a guy who is the absolute definition of a "bad boy". Minus the flawlessly perfect looks. He's still pretty hot though. His personality, however, screams PLAYER all the way. Which is probably why he's so appealing to me. I could never take him seriously, or expect anything from him, but boy he sure is fun to look at. This post is coming dangerously close to "creepy" status.. time for a change of subject!

I'm realizing I REALLY need to kick myself in the butt and start getting some things accomplished! In case you've forgotten, I set some goals for myself in this post last month and have failed to accomplish any of them. What a bum! Now that I'm settling down (a little) from the craziness of "birthday month" maybe I'll participate in some adult activities again. Like getting my life together. We'll see how that goes..

spontaneous, silly, adventurous, curious, always asking questions, constantly setting new goals for myself, barely capable of sitting still for more than five minutes, never willing to settle for something that doesn't make me completely happy, trying to figure out this thing called life, hoping I'll figure it out before I die..

My favorite things are:

music, being absolutely ridiculous in public, dancing in the rain, perfect sunny days, wrapping up in a blanket when it's still warm from the dryer, making people smile, seeing the innocence & promise in children, holding hands, getting butterflies, those moments you remember forever, hugs that seem to last so long, getting real letters in the mail, finding money in the pockets of the pants you wore 2 days ago, that feeling when everything is new & exciting with someone & just the thought of that person makes your entire day better, learning from my mistakes & that moment of realization when I understand "this will make me a better person", painting, anything artistic, trying new things, traveling, photography, rollercoasters, really great pizza, italian food, mexican food, food in general :).. baking, cleaning when I'm upset, reading, having a perfectly organized closet, having real, true, deep conversations, every single second with my family, cuddling on rainy days, remembering the good times with old friends, being that person that someone can turn to, laughing, loving, just being..

I love to be happy.

I love to smile & make others smile. I want my joy to be infectious to everyone around me & brighten at least one persons day. Sometimes I have days where I just want to wrap my arms around my knees, lay my head down & cry just because. Some days life is so overwhelming to me & I feel like I've seen so much, been through so much. Other days I'm in complete awe of how much I still have to experience, how much I WANT to see, do, know..

I'm not an angry, hateful person with the worst intentions. When I hurt someone, even on accident, I can almost guarantee it hurts me ten times worse. I have the absolute worst guilty conscience in the world, so I've resorted to just being honest. Sometimes it's hard, sometimes easy, but most of the time people respect me for it.

I want a best friend. Someone that makes me a better me. That isn't afraid to say "I love you.. but what the hell are you doing?" I'm not perfect. I can be a huge pain in the ass, sometimes I'm annoying just for the sake of being annoying.. but I'm loyal, I'm relentless when it comes to standing behind the people I care about, I give 100% of myself to everything I do. Because I know I deserve 100% back. I will jump into things head & heart first.. I will try, I will fail, I will be hurt. But I will never settle for less than I deserve.

I want the things out of life that I think everyone wants.. to be happy, to be loved, to live. I have a million things I want to accomplish in my lifetime.. & no doubt in my mind that I'm just driven & crazy enough to do them all :)

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

For a while, I've been debating on getting a tattoo and/or getting my lip pierced again. Since I'm trying to be a little more grown up and responsible for work, I've kinda given up on the piercing idea for now. I know I want a bird tattoo but not a huge one.. anyway, these are thoughts:

I like where this one is at, if it was a little smaller.

Again, this one is too big, but I really like the design.

I like the idea of white, or skin tone, ink. You don't have to cover it up for work or anything, I might start out with this color.

I also want to incorporate Psalm 46:10 into the design somewhere too.. but I'm too lazy to actually sit down and draw a design on my own. Any ideas?

I am in a TERRIBLE mood today. But it's one of those days where everything goes so wrong that you just have to laugh. You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what they say, right? If that's the case, I'm finding myself pretty freakin hysterical right now.

This weekend I'm going to a Lady Gaga concert in Orlando then hanging out with friends there the rest of the time. I'm not sure if I'm starting to get tired of the party scene or just ready for relaxing, quiet weekends again, but I'm not really looking forward to craziness. The last 2 weeks I've just felt tired but still kept going. Now I think I need 3 days of rest just to catch back up. In the words of Garth Brooks, "I'm much too young to feel this damn old".

On a completely unrelated note, I am so glad Robert Pattinson is doing movies other than the Twilight ones. Not that I don't love those movies but I'm glad he's actually a decent actor. I don't, however, care for Kristen Stewart because she just seems socially awkward. Back to my point, I realllllly wanna see his new movie, "Water for Elephants".

It helps that Reese Witherspoon is in it too because I love her as well but it just seems like a good story. If you haven't seen it already, you can watch the trailer here: http://www.waterforelephants.com/

Along with my "All About Me" post, I'm working on a bucket list type post. On that list, among other things, is improving my vocabulary. Since I didn't stick to the pattern of adding "listening to" on each post, and my "current mood" is usually pretty evident, I'm going to add a "word of the day" to each post. Yeah, I'm that nerdy.

Monday, April 11, 2011

I'm totally having one of those "what the crap am I doing with my life?!" moments. I have all these goals and things I want to accomplish and I'm just slowly rolling through life, doing none of them. What do I expect, success to just hit me in the face? I think it's time to take a long, hard look in the mirror and repeat the following: "Life doesn't work that way, sweetheart. GET YOURSELF TOGETHER!"

I mean, I don't think I'm a total failure or anything. I've got my stuff more together than some, actually a lot of, people I know. I'm just not moving fast enough to satisfy myself. This being said, I'm getting my act together, with this in mind:

The only one who can stop me, is me.

The title of this blog is something I keep coming back to. We all have our war. What does that mean to me? We all have something, whether big or small, that we struggle with. Sometimes these are small struggles and sometimes we have multiple battles going on. Whatever gets us down, pisses us off, interrupts our life.. we all have our war. So, what is mine? What beats the hell out of me and kicks me when I'm down? At this current moment.. I do.

Anyone who's followed this blog since the beginning knows that things in my life, especially emotionally, are extremely inconsistent. Not that there's something wrong with me emotionally.. I'm just very up and down, back and forth. I think pretty much everyone is that way at some point though. It's not easy trying to figure out what you want and who you want to be when life's constantly throwing curveballs at you. There are times when I'm overly optimistic and positive through whatever is going on and there are times when I'm the complete opposite. These times, when I beat myself up over things I can't control or fail to measure up to my own standards of myself, I am my own worst enemy.

I'm a pretty lucky person. I'm healthy, happy, have(I think)a pretty good head on my shoulders. I don't have a lot to complain about and I don't like to complain but some days just suck. For whatever reason, sometimes life just ain't grand. I have to learn to deal with these days without breaking myself down entirely.

Every single day is another chance to make yourself better. To start over and become exactly who you want to be. That's how I choose to look at life. If I don't have the day I wanna have today, there's always another day to try again.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Oooooh my gosh what a blur the last 3 days have been. I don't know where my brain is right now, it seems to have wandered off with my mind and there's no telling when they'll come back. Thursday I was so exhausted that I came home right after work and knew I had to take a nap or I'd fall asleep standing up. I set my alarm for 7 pm, since it was 6 pm, thinking I'd get an hour nap and wake up ready to go! I still had to pack for our Tampa trip so I really didn't wanna end up sleeping the night away. Apparently, my alarm went off for a whole hour before I finally woke up. I don't know how this is possible because it was literally about 10 inches from my face and blaring relentlessly. I'm sure my neighbors enjoyed that hour. Anyway, when I woke up and the clocked said 7:57, I freaked out, jumped up and started getting dressed. Apparently I thought it was 7:57 AM and I was going to relive my entire Thursday, thinking I'd be late for an important meeting. I was halfway through jumping in the shower when I realized.. it's Thursday night, idiot. Like I said, lost my mind and my brain went with it.

Friday I didn't work so we left a little earlier for Tampa. The ride there was almost as ridiculous as our night out. Which.. I have been advised not to talk about. Which works because (1) I don't think I wanna talk about it and (2) I don't remember a whole lot of it. Yep, I'm back to that. It's birthday month, gimme a break!

I will say that it was a really good night and, if there's such a thing, I had too much fun. Remember the stupid guy from the last few posts that we hate? (Yes, you hate him too now) Well, of all the people and all the bars in Tampa, I would just so happen to run into HIS best friend. Not only is he his best friend, he's insanely hot. Which, apparently, prompted me to send a drunk text that said something like, "just saw your best friend in Tampa, he's sooooo hottttt". What can I say, I keep it classy.

Since my friend had to work today (Saturday) we drove back early this morning and I was borderline still drunk/about to throw up the whole drive. Not a fun time. All in all, I had enough fun Friday night to even out any shittiness. I came home, passed out for seven hours and basically wasted my Saturday night. Which is probably a good thing since I didn't wanna die from alcohol poisoning this weekend.

Now I am officially exhausted and have so much that I wanna post about but not enough energy to have one clear thought, much less organize multiple ones. Birthday month will kill me..

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

That's a pretty clear definition, right? The reason something is made. What is my purpose? Why am I here? Why did God make me? It's driving me crazy to not have a clear, straightforward answer to these questions. Somehow, when I ask, all I hear is this, "You will see. Wait, and you will see". 22 years on this earth and I have to keep waiting around for answers? Patience sure is frustrating.

Purpose, as clearly stated, is also the reason something is done. In that case, what is the purpose of all the crap I've been going through lately. Something tells me it's about learning a lesson. Cuz, let's be honest, it's almost ALWAYS about learning a lesson. How annoying. I just wish I understood things sometimes. Like feelings. I just don't get em!

For instance, how can you know with all your heart that someone isn't good for you, have the evidence right in front of your face that you shouldn't be with this person, be almost disgusted with their very existence.. and still miss them somehow? I will never understand feelings. Maybe that's why I hesitate to have them.. who knows.

Tomorrow is a pretty big day for me work wise. I won't really say why because I'm feeling a little in a "don't jinx yourself" mood lately.. but hopefully all goes well. Not much else has happened since the weekend. It's been a pretty rough week with crazy weather, barely sleeping, and the guest appearances of some pretty annoying characters in my life. I'm going to Tampa with a friend this weekend and I honestly have no clue how THAT will turn out. If it's anywhere near the wonderful disaster I expect it to be.. look forward to an interesting post at the end of the weekend.

I'm trying something new in the relationship area. I'm giving the nice guy a chance. I'm not sure whether this is a good idea (since I deserve a nice guy) or a really terrible idea (considering the whole drama that just went down, leaving me in the emotional state of a hamster) but I know I need something good in my life. I've prayed about it and this is what I feel now : I've come as far as I can with healing my heart on my own.. now it's time to let love do the rest. No matter what happens, I will have a smile at the end of the day knowing I gave it a chance.

I keep thinking about something I heard once in couples counseling. Yes, couples counseling.. I know. This guy, Jeff, was explaining the difference between the way men and women think. Basically, women are driven by feelings. Our thoughts are a "big ball of wires" that are all attached. So, even when we think about something simple, like sex, there are feelings attached. Men, on the other hand, have a different way of thinking. Mens thoughts are like boxes. They think about one thing at a time and that's what's in the box. Like, let's go back to this example, sex. If a man is focused on, and thinking about, sex.. that's pretty much all he's thinking about. There aren't wires going around in his head thinking about feelings and emotions and romatic thoughts. No, they're thinking about sex and when/where/how they're gonna get it. When that thought is over, they close that box and move on to the next box. Which, in my experience, is usually food or sleep.

I guess this makes a lot of sense. Guys can just have sex without the feelings or attachment because they aren't "wired" to think that way. While women usually associate sex with feelings like love and affection, because that's just how our brains work. I guess I didn't really understand how true this was at the time but now it makes a lot of sense. That's not to say that guys can't have feelings attached to sex and other things. Everyone has feelings. But I definitely think men and women think in completely different ways.

I'm not really sure what made me think of that. I guess because I've just been trying to figure out my feelings lately. It never does me any good because I could spend hours dissecting my feeling and always end up back at square one. I'm learning that's it just easier to focus on what you know you SHOULD do that act on how you feel right away. Growing up is so annoying.

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a productive week so far and doing better than I am making sense of life. Happy Thursday :)

Sunday, April 3, 2011

I never thought I'd say this.. but I'm so glad this weekend is over. Don't get me wrong, it has been GREAT. Amazing even. Friday night was one of the best nights I've EVER had out with friends. Add the fact that it was my birthday to that and I don't have a whole lot of complaints about it. I didn't get much sleep Friday night, so Saturday was a pretty lazy day and I didn't accomplish much. Some people came over that night and we hung out for a bit but I think everyone was just too tired from the night before to get wild. It was still a good time though. I did manage to get a few things done today but I've just been in a bummy mood all day. I'm not really sure why, I think I'm just overexhausted. (Is that a word?)

In order to get out of my bummy mood, I decided to text a friend to hang out. We went out for dessert, then to a movie. Apparently, ice cream is the cure for any and all things emotionally related. We saw "Limitless" with Bradley Cooper. If you haven't seen it yet, GO SEE IT. I'm always skeptical about going to see movies in theaters. One, because it's freakin expensive (especially if the movie ends up sucking) Two, because usually (mainly with funny movies) they show the good parts in the previews.. and those are the ONLY good parts. Movies are much like men, they just don't make em like they used to. Anyway, "Limitless", go see it.

I'm regretting eating ice cream at 9:30 at night. Even though I'm tired, I have these random bursts of energy and I don't see me getting much sleep tonight. This weekend, although good and crazy, also brought a lot of closure for me. I FINALLY (waaaaaay overdue) wrapped up the.. uhh, we'll call it an interaction. I'm done with the "non relationship/non friendship/over complicated and stupid"﻿ interaction from hell. I've spent a lot of time thinking about more changes I wanna make from here on out. I've had some moments of reflection on the past year. I just feel lighter, if that makes sense. All the small things that have been slowly piling on top of each other in the past few weeks, resulting in me being a walking ball of stress, just don't seem to matter anymore or have been taken care of.

I'm still a bit emotional but not for any specific reason other than I'm a girl and that's what we do, haha. I have to keep telling myself that it's because I'm tired and not to be dramatic. I seem to do much better when I'm honest, and a little mean, with myself. Funny how that works. Tomorrow is a new day and today's problems won't matter anymore :) Well.. actually it's already today, so today's problems do matter but.. okay whatever.

I guess I should probably at least attempt to sleep since I have to wake up early and pretend to be a responsible adult tomorrow. It's just not fair, why can I be 5 years old again? If only.. Happy Monday :)

Remember my state of "I don't know"? Well, now I know. God sent me a wake up call that smacked me in the face, hard. Sometimes you have to look at yourself, look at how you love people, treat people, and realize that you deserve to be treated the same way. I'm not saying I've always been my nicest when it comes to guys. I don't make a habit out of hurting people though.

When I care about someone, I'm all in. I don't "fall", I jump. I jump, head and heart first, into it with everything I have. Because I don't think you can really love someone with half of your heart, not the right way at least. So, I think I deserve to be treated the exact same way. This person, he was so closed. Talk about not falling or jumping.. he wasn't even going close to the edge. Which is fine, I'm not one to push. But I've been through a lot in the last few years, relationship wise. I've REALLY thought and really prayed about what I want and especially what I don't want. I do NOT want someone who's emotionally confused.

For a long time, I was completely closed off to the idea of a relationship because I was just not ready. I carried around so much baggage and regret and anger from the past and I knew, until I could let that go and fix me, I didn't need to drag someone else into that. It's nice to love someone else, but you have to love yourself first. Am I completely fixed? No. Do I love myself? Yes. So, I'm ready. I'm not looking, I'm not blindly jumping off the edge.. but I'm ready if it happens.

Now here I am, in my state of "know". I know what I want, what I don't want, what I deserve. I'm okay being by myself until the right person comes along. I'm happy, I'm enjoying my life. And I trust that, at some point, God will send someone who's not only ready to jump too.. but ready to jump with me.

I don't know if he'll see this.. but if he does, this is all I have left to say:

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days.. I get a little bit stronger

Now, I've put him, and the past, in a box. I put the lid on and pushed it way back where it can get covered with new, happy memories. No more confusion, no more tears, just "know" :)

With birthday weekend successfully out of the way, I've decided to fill the rest of my weekend with working out, spring cleaning : round 2, and blogging! Today I was thinking about all the things I've learned in the last year, and throughout my life, and have decided to share with everyone. This is a little series of random facts that I like to call.. I'VE COME TO REALIZE.. enjoy :)

I've come to realize.. that money can't buy you happiness.

I've come to realize.. that some guys would rather buy the cow than get the milk for free.

I've come to realize.. old habits die hard.

I've come to realize.. it's a lot easier to say you're going to do something than to actually follow through with it. I've also come to realize that you gain more respect if you talk the talk AND walk the walk.

I've come to realize.. family is the one constant in my life. At the end of the day, if I feel like I have nothing else, I will always have a family who loves me.

I've come to realize.. just because you CAN be with someone, doesn't mean you should. Sometimes you have to understand that you deserve more and know when to walk away.

I've come to realize.. that taking the high road is hard but so, so worth it.

I've come to realize.. communication is just as important as trust in any relationship.

I've come to realize.. I will have friends that I don't talk to everyday but they will always be there for me.

I've come to realize.. I'm a much happier person when I put God first in everything I do.

I've come to realize.. I will change, grow, learn everyday.. but my roots and past will ALWAYS be a part of me. I will learn from my mistakes rather than dwelling on them and I will appreciate the good memories and not focus on the bad.

I've come to realize.. that I am a strong person but love makes me weak.

I've come to realize.. that sometimes I complain too much. I am so very blessed and should always look at the positive side of things.

I've come to realize.. the people closest to you, who you love the most, can sometimes hurt you the worst.

I've come to realize.. staying true to yourself is the only way to live. Don't break yourself trying to bend and fit into someone else's idea of what you should be. EMBRACE who you are, live it, love it!

I've come to realize.. the people who assume they deserve your time/energy, usually don't. The ones who appreciate it are worth it.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I haven't blogged in a couple of days. Mainly because I just don't know what to say. To be honest, I STILL don't know what to say. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in things that, when I finally get around to posting about them, everything just comes out in one big, confusing mess of words. Explaining the whole story from the beginning would just take too long. Long story short.. here's what happened:

I met a boy, I didn't like him. Then, I liked him but I didn't want to like him. I liked him too much, I tried to stop liking him. That worked for a while since we didn't talk much. When we finally did talk again, something seemed different, he seemed different. So, I thought, "give this another chance, there's a reason you still care".

Fast forward to now.. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how I feel. What makes me REALLY mad is that I don't even know WHY I care about this kid. He's done things that have annoyed me beyond belief, and if I were to describe my "perfect guy", he's nothing like that. I'm not one of those sappy, love story types who believes in love at first sight and that everyone in the world only has one soul mate. I think you can be "in love" more than once, with different people, in different ways. I don't buy into that stuff. But I DO think you can have a connection with someone that's just unexplainable. That you can just be drawn to someone and feel something that, no matter how confusing, you can't control. And that's how I feel about him. He's addicting to me and I hate it.

I can't say that I "love" him, or that I'm "in love" with him because I don't think that's even possible. But I can honestly say that he makes me feel a way that I have NEVER felt before. Which is why, with him, all of my inhibitions go right out the window. All of the stupid things he's done and crap I've dealt with, all forgotten in seconds. I don't understand it, I'm scared by it, and I want it to stop.

Now I'm just in this state of "I don't know".. apparently waiting for some big sign or something telling me what to do. It would be really great if God sent texts. If I got a text from God that said, "Just do this.." I'd feel pretttttty obliged to listen. I guess it doesn't work that way though.

Other than dealing with, or the lack of dealing with, my emotions.. nothing else is really happening this week. It's been rainy and gross outside which makes me want to sleep all day long. I'm still looking forward to my birthday. We don't have any set plans yet, so I'm not sure what will end up happening. I just want a drama free night with my friends. Is that so much to ask? I don't think so.

Speaking of drama free nights with friends.. I guess we're having a "girls night" tonight. I'm pretty happy about this because I just wanna take my mind off of everything and laugh, be stupid and (not gonna lie) I kinda REALLY want a margarita right now! Should be fun. Cheers to this week getting better!

Monday, March 28, 2011

You know what? People. Don't. Fricken. Change! Not unless THEY want to.. or apparently unless someone else is actually worth changing for. I'm not worth that, I guess. But, hey, I tried. I said I was gonna put myself out there and I did. Maybe it wasn't the trainwreck that I thought it was, cuz I'll be honest I'm sort of an emotional mess right now, but it feels really bad right now.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

OH. MY. GOODNESS! It feels SOOO good to sleep in my own bed! I love traveling and vacations. But there's really no feeling like taking a shower in YOUR shower and sleeping in YOUR bed. Even better, I don't have to share my room with anyone who snores so loudly that I can't sleep. Yay for my quiet room! Even mooooore better?! DOING THINGS NAKED! Yes, I love to be naked and I'm not ashamed to admit it. For the most part, when I'm doing things "naked", I'm actually wearing (at least) underwear. So, maybe it's not full on naked activity, but still.. it's pretty nice. Once again, my favorite thing about living alone? DOING. THINGS. NAKED.

Back to my trip.. I didn't really take as many pictures as I had planned on. Mostly because it just wasn't the crazy weekend I was expecting. But my birthday is Friday and I'm getting more and more excited for it. I'm actually even looking forward to it now. Amazing! Anyway, I did take SOME pictures, mostly of me being stupid, and I was in the process of putting them on here when I realized.. I'm lazy and don't feel like it. And THEN, I decided to be a good little blogger and post some anyway. But the stupid photo uploader isn't working on my computer for some reason. So, as long as it's not my fault, I'm good. (Random note: I realized today that I have over 1,000 views. I understand that probably isn't much for someone who's been blogging since January.. but it means that someone is actually reading. Which makes me happy and a little nervous too. Sometimes I put things out there that I'm not sure I should. I guess that's what I was going for, though. Anyway, I guess what I'm getting to is THANKS to those of you that actually take the time to read/sort through my madness :) I think this has been, and will continue to be, a positive experience for me)

I'm getting excited for the summer now. I'm actually pushing myself to work out, developing healthier eating habits (I cheated this weekend, I WAS ON VACATION! I'm starting over, clean slate, tomorrow since it's Monday), taking my vitamins like I'm supposed to, and just trying to be happy in general. I've had a few moments where I just felt sorry for myself and thought about how suckish my life is. Then, I realized how many people out there have it SO much worse than me and still manage to be happy. It could always be worse.

Still no new developments in the whole "feelings" department. I'm not sure if I'm actually "feeling" what I think I'm feeling or I'm just being an emotional girl. Feelings and emotions are two very different things. Girls understand.. sometimes it's IMPOSSIBLE to control your emotions. Feelings, I can handle. Emotions are.. well, a bitch. But I made the decision to have a fresh start with EVERYONE (including myself) so I'm just going to be open to all possibilities and take things one day at a time. I will either open my heart up and get great results.. or it will get completely crushed and I'll be right back to square one. Either way, it's life. I can handle it. Bring it on!

I'm working on an "All About Meeee" post. In case anyone wants to know what I like/dislike, think about, try NOT to think about. I wanted this blog to be "real" and I don't feel like it's reached it's full potential yet. I need to get all the dirty little details out there. It should be interesting at least.

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going, coming, thought I heard a knock
Who's there, no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be OK

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the tv
thout something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming, don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings, but that's the path I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice, boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be OK
(Leona Lewis - Better In Time)

For some reason, this song describes how I feel right now. Except not really.. lol. It's more of a breakup song and I'm not really going through a breakup but more of a "I really, really care about you and I really fricken wish I didn't" situation. I've been going back and forth with myself about this, over and over in my mind for days.. and I still don't understand it. Anyone who knows me at all would know this is odd. I don't usually like to dwell on things, especially people. I think the fact that I'm confused, challenged even, is interesting to me. It's sorta like this.. I had a friend that would point a laser at the wall and her cat would be mesmerized. She'd chase it around for a few minutes, then just stare at it forever. Almost like she was thinking, "it's RIGHT there, it's so easy.. why can't I catch it?". That's how I feel. Except that my failure is due to my own stupidity, not the fact that you CAN'T catch a laser.

So, that's my dilemma. I'm mesmerized. I'm not used to things being complicated, being the one to care, reading too much into little things. Which makes me feel that, maybe, the person that has the ability to make me feel this way must be pretty damn special. Or I'm just totally off my game. I guess we'll see.

Aside from that.. my mini vacation was alright. Not nearly as "crazy" as I had hoped it would be but I guess I did have pretty high hopes. However, during this trip, I did make some plans for some crazy soon.. so I'm content :) A few beach trips, Lady Gaga concert, weekend getaways, and (fingers crossed) a trip to Philly to end the summer. If I didn't have to pay rent and a car payment, I think it might be the best summer ever. But I do.. so I have to fit work in there somehow. I'm still pretty positive that it's gonna be a great summer :)

Friday, March 25, 2011

I realize I've been a total Debbie Downer lately. I promise I'm working on that! Positive outcomes only, think happy, be happy. I'm getting back into a good diet/work out routine and I'd like to add positive thoughts/feelings to that. I mean, I'm pretty happy, I'll admit. I just need more stupid, silly, "what the heck?" -ness in my life. I'm working on that too :)

I've been finding a lot, lot, lot of (only word to really describe it) relief through prayer and scripture. I'm glad that I haven't let negative experiences close me off from God or my faith. If anything, I feel stronger as a Christian now when I'm going through difficult things. God is great.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Why do people ask for the truth, even demand it, when they don't really wanna hear it? And why do I feel like a total jerk when I only did the right thing and told the truth?

I guess I could explain. I have this friend, ex friend now I guess, that things have always been.. complicated with. I've always known that he had feelings for me but we've never been more than friends. Mostly because of timing. I can't even count how many times he's said, "I can't do this anymore.. I can't be just friends with you". Then, sent me a text a week later saying he would try to be friends because he couldn't not have me in his life. It always ended up with one, or both, of us being frustrated and that same text message.

Now, there are two reasons that it won't work. The first, I've told him in a nice way but not bluntly. I think I told him that I've put him in the "friend zone" for so long that it's weird to think of him being anything else. Translation: I'm not sure if I'm physically/sexually attracted to you and it might be weird to find out. The problem with this? He's such a great guy and would probably treat me like a princess. But I think you should at least not be weirded out at the thought of kissing someone if you're gonna start dating that person. He's not gross or anything, something's just missing. The second reason kinda goes back to the timing thing. Except this new reason just recently came back into the picture.

We got into the whole "why can't we try this out?" conversation again and he started getting mad. So, I said, "do you want the truth? Cuz it's gonna suck". I gave him him a chance to say no, I warned him that he didn't wanna hear it. Of course, he just had to know, so I told him. And did he like the answer? No, of coooourse not. What was the answer? I have feelings, really strong feelings, for someone else and I don't think it would be fair to myself (or anyone else) to not sort those feelings out. Well, of course he's pissed, hates me, never wants to talk to me again. Usually, I might feel worse about it. But I can't help how I feel. And if he wants to be an irrational child, so be it. I'm done. I'm finally doing something for me, something that (I think) will make me happy. He can't make me feel guilty for that.

About these feelings.. I'm in trouble. Seriously, it's worse than I thought. Someone needs to start planning an intervention, like now. Against ALL of my better judgement, ignoring what all of my friends have said/thought about it, I've given someone another chance. This isn't something I do. Second chances, maybe. Third, never. I can't really explain why I think things will be different this time. I just have this gut feeling that I need to give this another try. Maybe it will be the biggest mistake I've ever made, maybe I'll learn a valuable lesson from it, maybe it will be something good. I hope it's good. Right now, it feels good.. so we'll see.

I have a few days to escape from it all.. tomorrow is my cousin's 21st birthday and we're going on a much needed mini vaca. I'll be sure to post lots of pics :) Happy early weekend!