Category: War on Education

As a class of young students at the vaguely Hitler-esque named Adolf Reichwein School learned: German commie porn!

Parents were stunned by pens donated by the German Communist Party that light up and project erotic images of women. And you know that if German parents are shocked, that these are some very disturbing erotic images, indeed!

Last week, Kalgoorlie-Boulder Community High School students were assigned a project–a terror project to be exact. The assignment was to plan a chemical and/or biological attack designed to inflict the most civilian deaths possible.

We took that news with a grain of salt because, if there’s one way to make sure teenagers don’t do something, it’s to assign it as schoolwork. (This is why we still haven’t read The Red Badge of Courage.)

But now–NOW–a Catholic school in Perth gave its top costume award to a nine- or ten-year-old boy dressed as Hitler!

We’re not saying it’s time to distrust all Australians in your midst as potential terror Nazis, just any that seem particularly interested in Hitler, terrorism, scapegoating and your television.

Somehow, a quote from the worst person in human history was printed onto page 190 of their yearbook, and attributed by name, yet nobody knows how it happened. Some believe though that it was one of those rare full sentence typos because, as Christian Bardales put it: “Our diversity is very strong so I believe it was just a mistake.”

Oh yeah, Christian? If your diversity is so strong, then how come there aren’t any Nazis at your school?

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College is about to begin, which means it’s time for the annual Beloit College Mindset List. Every year, Beloit College composes a list of technology, fads and people that incoming freshmen never learn about because high schools spend an entire month on the Civil War* and a week on everything after World War II.

This year’s freshmen, the Class of 2014, for instance doesn’t use email because it’s too slow and generally requires something more substantial to write about than today’s lunch. They also don’t know:

Snoop Dogg’s middle name (Doggy).

How Clint Eastwood’s “tour de force” as an old, violent racist gun nut in Gran Turino was just a reprisal of Dirty Harry where he didn’t have to run so much.

That communism was once an entrenched and very real threat hiding behind a wall in Berlin, not just the side effect of Glenn Beck’s masturbation guilt today.

That Band-Aids were once only sold in a universal peach-colored shade that matched everyone’s skin. Now they have to prove that Band-Aids are for everyone–black, white or green–by selling black, white and green ones.

The descendants of legendary Apache, Geronimo, found out what happens when you sue a notorious secret society that has included two of the last four presidents in its ranks: the case never makes it to trial.

The family attempted to sue Skull and Bones, Yale University for the theft of Geronimo’s remains. They were rumored to have been stolen by Prescott Bush and later used by his son, George H.W. Bush, and grandson, George W. Bush, to snort various drugs and do things that aren’t necessarily gay if you’re wearing a cowl and will one day rule the world.

Unfortunately, Judge Richard Roberts dismissed the suit because the world’s most famous Native American doesn’t count as a Native American artifact because he was “excavated or discovered before 1990.” (Which seems to imply that the theft of a federal grave equals “excavation or discovery.”)

As providers of news and entertainment, The Guys listen good and hard when it comes to your tastes. In that vein, we bring you TEENAGE SEX!

Talk dirty to them
A New York City judge ruled that it was wrong for the Department of Education to suspend a sex education teacher for using vulgar terms in class. In the reading of his decision, Judge Jack Weinstein said, “At least she didn’t f#@k them.”

That’s a wrap
Washington, D.C. officials are now giving out bigger condoms to high school and college students after receiving complaints that the previous ones were too small and brittle. The male students are happier, adding that now they just need to find people to have sex with their “giant monster dongs.”

If there’s one thing The Guys hate, it’s animals. But if we could choose another thing to hate, we’d say racism. We hate any white devil who doesn’t see people of different colors as their equal. This is why we have to deal with the issue of children.

According to a study, most white kids are biased toward lighter skinned people, the same is true to a lesser extent with African-American kids. Why are our kids so racist? Really, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that we eliminate children from our society, because their time for preaching hate is over. We need to start picketing outside classrooms, protesting them at their homes, and even deny them cookies as punishment.

The future is too important to leave in the hands of a child.

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All the illusions of “school life” that have been built up in the fragile psyche of those that love Japan have now been shattered, as the traditions and strictures of school no longer match those of Japan’s reality.

Accordingly, an increasing number of public and private middle schools have begun switching their school terms to a semestral system instead of the traditional trimestral system. For students, that means ten to fifteen more school hours in a term, and teachers are more free to deal with their classes rather than prepare report cards. That’s a lot of school.

It’s over.

Now, I was lucky enough to graduate from my podunk little high school (“What high school did you go to?” “Culpeper.” “Where’s that?” “Culpeper.”) before they began the switch to block scheduling. As such, all I know of is the period system, and as such, I know not of these new-fangled academic systems that schools these days use. But this system? It just sounds rough.

We all know where school lunches come from, people: animals. From the Salisbury steak to the bacon bits in the green beans to paste in kindergarten class, animals are fattening themselves up on hormones and protein to disable our fighting men and women.

But that’s not all: animals are also trying to curb our exercise.

Water aerobics classes in Darwin, Australia are canceled until a crocodile leaves the pool or at least promises not to eat anyone. Without water aerobics, how will Australia’s military get into shape? HOW?