Syrian top brass take break from war crimes to watch Hayley Cropper snuff it

While common ground amongst diplomats about how best to solve the ongoing war in Syria may be in short supply at the summit in Switzerland, one hot topic of conversation during the breaks for tea and hiding from the Iranians, is the sad passing of Hayley Cropper's wig in Coronation Street.

Russian representative Boris Bojinov said

"It's a nice distraction from all the death and torture and stuff to talk about something we all enjoy like Coronation Street. After dinner we're going to discuss our shared love of 'The One Show' - apart from the Qataris. They wanted to talk about The Chase but no-one else watches it."

"It was really sad to see that wig finally taken away by the undertaker, but passing away quietly after eating that out-of-date bacon and black pudding buttie from the cafe they owned was the way you would've wanted to go."

"Me and 'Big Bash' (President Al-Assad) were in tears watching it. Even his non-existent chin was wobbling. We'll be absolutely gutted if it doesn't guarantee them Best Soap at the National Television Awards!"

said President Al-Assad's Torturer-in-Chief

"If it doesn't win we'll ensure that an effigy of Dermot O'Leary wearing Hayley's red coat will be hung alongside the next group of people we kill."

Talks over which Countdown host is best form the main part of the final day's agenda.