The sleazy state of TV and the FCC

THIS IS THE story of nearly naked supermodels, Mickey Mouse and the poor, dithering Federal Communications Commission. It is about our inalienable right to view women in underwear and the sales curve of push-up brassieres. It's a comedy.

Perhaps you saw the TV show last November. ABC, which has been tanking in the ratings big time, took a desperate wild swing during sweeps, putting on a prime time "Victoria's Secret Lingerie Party."

Frankly, it wasn't much of a party. One after another extremely slender women hoofed it down a ramp, turned around and flounced back. Oh yeah, they were wearing teddies, thongs, sheer shawls and see-through wraps. Also transparent wings for some reason.

Unfortunately, although I enjoy your nearly nude supermodel as much as the next person, it was not much of a success. For starters, although their peppy pace down the runway was probably supposed to look energetic and bouncy, many of the models had that vaguely anxious look you see on the elephants at the circus when they are pushed to trot a little faster than they'd like.

Also, after a few trips up and back you begin to get the general concept. If they'd met "Survivor's" Jeff Probst at the end of the runway and been challenged to eat an African beetle, we'd have had something. Or, they could have taken a swing at Paula Jones. Or better yet, Bill Clinton.

ANYHOW, THE SHOW lasted an hour, and today, some four months later, the repercussions are still rolling in. None of it is likely to raise your opinion of the participants.

Begin with floundering ABC. It was left to defend the idea of putting underwear models on national TV before kids went to bed (8 p.m. in Central and Mountain time zones) as . . . a public service? A documentary on the push-up bra? A medical dialogue concerning surgical implants?

Andrea Wong, ABC "executive of alternative programming," said, "There has certainly been racier things on television than this."

Racier maybe. Sleazier? Not likely. We should remember that ABC is the Disney network. Once upon a time Walt Disney created Mickey and Minnie Mouse and Disneyland, the happiest place on earth. Now, just picture Uncle Walt sitting at the end of that lingerie runway. Does that creep you out or what?

There was, naturally, a huge uproar. E-mails, phone calls and telegrams flooded in. They were right, of course. But you also had the predictable bandwagon-jumping by special-interest groups with an agenda. By the time they were finished screeching, you didn't want anything to do with them either.

FINALLY, THE FCC stepped up. For nearly four months the mighty arbiter of American morals considered the facts. This week they announced their ruling. "While we understand that you are offended by the programming described, it does not appear that we have any basis for action at this time," said Charles Kelley, head of the FCC's investigations and hearings division.

"At this time?" Is that guy a career bureaucrat or what? TV fell off the good-taste cliff years ago and the FCC has wrung its hands and done nothing. This just confirms that they are wienies.

Hey, he said, we're just an underwear company. Now we're the talk of the country. The outrage? The protests? They were counting on it.

Because here's the beauty part. For all the talk of the "huge" audience for the show, it basically tanked. "Lingerie Party" finished a distant third in its time slot, behind "Will and Grace" and "CSI."

It was, in other words, a flop on every level. So is that the end of it? Not so fast. "We are," Razek told the Herald, "always looking for overarching concepts."