After a night of insulting male strippers and calling each other whores, the cast of The Real Housewives of Miami is in trouble. They have woken up late! They are going to miss their flight! Joanna Krupa will go from the sexless fiance to the runaway bride! Classic Vegas problems, I chortle while eating spaghetti raw from the packet. I blame Lisa Hochstein for all of this. BECAUSE SHE MAKES IT EASY TO DO! Quick, someone give me more ice to throw at Lisa! Thank you!

Wait, now stop, because Lisa is throwing up and the girls are forced to drive to San Diego. They missed their flight, the topless wastrels. Lea Black broods and calls Adriana de Moura evil, and Joanna pouts. Hand me my flagon of mead for toasting -- 'tis a glorious finale, yon minions, glorious!

And now, the wedding of the season! Somewhere Frederic Marq is shaking his fists angrily at the heavens. He is probably on his boat. The boat reminds me ofGhost Ship. Romain Zago and Joanna's wedding apparently cost a cool million. I wonder how much of that went into her crazy mullet dress. I want that dress. I want to name it Billy Ray Cyrus the Dress and keep it in my house next to my collection of Billy Ray Cyrus's scabs. #realtalk #skincollections #buffalobillswagger.

The wedding itself was only marred by Joanna's stilted interactions with her sister. What is that about? I feel like if you can't be happy for your sister on the day of her wedding, don't bother showing up. Additionally I would like to now advise you to go Google Romain Zago's brother. Go on, now. Back? I KNOW, RIGHT? In other news, because Romain is a tender flower, the minister had to read his vows to Joanna. Now Joanna is secretly married to that minister. May next season's hi-jinks ensue.