WOMAN: Well, I'm still woozy from that terrible meal at the Guy Fieri restaurant in Times Square, but mostly, I'm upset that we have no idea what to purchase our beloved (FRIEND/SON/SPOUSE/RELATIVE/INDENTURED SERVANT)! I know that he/she is a comic book collector and lover of fine comic-related material, but as I am uncertain as to his/her want list, I have no idea where to begin purchasing him/her/it said items for the upcoming gift-giving season! Woe! Woe betides!

MAN: Why, you silly goose! Every sane and decent person knows that Metropolis offers easy-to-give, easy-to-redeem Gift Certificates in many denominations, which you can give to our beloved (FRIEND/SON/SPOUSE/RELATIVE/INDENTURED SERVANT) to redeem at their world-famous website, or by calling their harried but still reasonably helpful staff person people! They are available in amounts as low as $50, and as high as $2500, and never expire!

WOMAN: I did know that, but completely forgot on account of a non-debilitating head injury! Oh, thank you for reminding me! How may we purchase these wondrous slips of papery magic?

MAN: Nothing could be easier! You may purchase them online by clicking this convenient link, or by calling our Sales Director, Frank "Really Pushing His Luck With This Whole Funny Advertisement Thing" Cwiklik at 1 800 229 METRO! They will ship immediately and FREE SHIPPING FOR ALL GIFT CERTIFICATES between now and Dec. 24th in the US! They can even include a little message to the recipient on the Gift Certificate, as long as it's not obscene or long-winded!

WOMAN: Land sakes! I feel better already! I'm going to order some right now! THE HOLIDAYS ARE SAVED!

SOUND OF SLEIGH BELLS, CHOIRS, HALLELUJAH CHORUS.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND SCENE.

please note that the performance rights to The Year That Metropolis Saved Christmas are held in perpetuity by Metropolis Collectibles and are available for performance by little theaters, schools, churches, and prison theater groups for an extortionate and frankly laughable fee -- inquire with our theatrical agents, Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe, who can be reached by waiting patiently near the dumpster behind the Cracker Barrell with a suitcase full of unmarked small bills