But Wait, There’s More!

I don’t like pitchmen. I really don’t. These shills on tv (and in real life) are a step above the carnival barker convincing people they can’t live without a glimpse of KoKo, the Dog Faced Boy.

As I flip the channels, these guys are yelling at me to buy Snuggies and bogus lint rollers. They make hollow promises of a more fulfilling life for only $19.95. Is that a good deal? It will be after they pile on the schlock.

This sales tactic reminds me of my mother-in-law. She can’t just get a little gift card that my kids will actually use and appreciate, she will cash her monthly check and get forty-seven gifts for each of my three kids at Dollar Tree.

Everyone knows one crappy gift is only a crappy gift. If you can manipulate the laws of physics, a hundred crappy gifts equals love and admiration.

Same here with these devious bunco artists. “Are you a lonely retiree with bushy eyebrows? You need our laser hair removal system! If you order in the next three seconds, we will quintuple your order. That’s right! You will have five laser hair removal systems. If that didn’t get hook you, we will toss in a nifty keychain so you won’t lose those car keys! You lost your driver’s license for mistaking the brake pedal for the gas and plowed into a deli? No worries. That same keychain can be used for a paper weight.”

Who needs five of anything? It’s the classic method of making junk appear to be treasure. Do you really NEED five hair washing trays? Come on, you don’t even need one. Take a shower and be done with it.

Every time I see one of these commercials, I want to throw a brick through the TV. I just can’t do it because I’m in the middle of Sanford and Son.