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BLOGGY-LAND IS WEIRD: HOW TO NAVIGATE THAT SHITHOLE

The Internet Machine is confusing and troubling at times, and I’m not just referring to the sexually explicit material containing grandmas, spatulas, tiny dogs and Bratwurst sausages. I’m also talking about ‘wellness’.

Although I’m part of this overwhelming dialogue on food/health, I would advise you to be a discerning consumer of information or you might end up trying all kinds of silly shit:

– You might end up cutting up your perfectly fine garden hose, not for a DIY bong, no, to insert unusual ingredients into your rectum for that super-fresh-arsed glow. No.

– You might convince yourself that protein shakes don’t taste like penis. No, they do taste like penis.

– You might give up all carbohydrates and end up with a mouth that smells exactly the same as your anus, and a brain that functions so slowly you might as well be rotten-as-a-chop drunk.

– You might end up having to hunt and gather all your food and it is really hard to find M&Ms in the bushes.

– You might get really fucking hungry.

– You might end up giving up god damn FRUIT because it contains sugar. NO. Since when was fruit a fucking TREAT?!

To avoid these horrors, asking yourself the following may help you sort the shit from the clay:

– Should this knob be giving advice? Are they in any way qualified to offer this advice or are they just being a story-rooster?

– Are their only sources of evidence cherry-picked, small scientific studies or anecdotes/testimonials? Oh, Tom used to be fat, miserable and his whistle wasn’t worth touching, but then he signed up for our expensive diet and now he’s hot as fuck and has near constant whistle-touching. Show me the science, cunt. Mainstream nutrition and healthcare is based on consensus views by experts formed from a plethora of evidence found in countless peer-reviewed studies, not Tom.

– Are they wearing a dream-catcher as a necklace?

– Is this motherfucker trying to sell you something? (I may try to sell you a legendary cookbook in the future, but the chances of me actually finishing it are slim to nil, especially if Mr I Can Pull Out In Time jams a third human up in there.)

– Are they actively encouraging you to reject conventional medicine and treat yourself ‘naturally’? Food has a powerful effect on our bodies – we can all relate to that. Do I believe it can help with chronic health conditions like constipation, PCOS or Type 2 diabetes? Yes (but not always). Do I believe that it can solely cure cancer? Not a fucking chance. It can help put your body in to a balanced state that is better equipped to fight disease, and some constituents and molecules within foods can wage small battles on your behalf like little chemical gangsters, but if you have cancer you march your arse into your doctor’s office and take their advice.

– Are they censoring content with as much enthusiasm as China? (Pete Evans and the Food Babe are notorious for constantly blocking people who post valid questions. That’s a bit dickful).

– Are they incessantly posing looking hot as fuck in their swimwear drinking out of a coconut? Fuck them and their coconuts.

So, that’s how to spot the dingalings. Spotting quality content is even easier. I would recommend seeking inspiration from someone who has found the sensible middle ground. You are unique and your diet can be too. As I said to The Juice Daily,

“a one-size-fits-all diet is mythical. Every body is different. Some people can be vegan and thrive, someone else tries it and ends up with giant needles of Vitamin B12 in their butt. Some people are trim and energetic on a paleo diet, someone else tries it and ends up pissing out a giant kidney stone making their wee-hole resemble Hiroshima. Some people can eat/drink anything without consequence, John Candy tried that and things didn’t turn out so ace. Healthy eating need not be complicated: eat a shit-tonne of plants (mostly vegetables); eat a variety; processed food ain’t good; go easy on red meat; drink water.”

Just tailor it to suit your body and your lifestyle, and if you have a specific health concern, see a nutritionist or dietician. Don’t trust some random fuckknuckle on the Internet Machine who wants you to consume only juice for a god damn week, and has less accountability than Charlie Sheen.

You are a fucking legend. I have just had a third recurrence of breast cancer and have no more fucks to give for those who believe the crap and tell
me about it as if eating more kale will cure me. Loved this and laughed a lot.

oh my GOD, YES.
I’m a yoga teacher, (and a nurse, and have a biology degree) and if I have one more stupidly expensive juice cleanse suggested to me I’m going to lose it completely. Part of the reason I write Zen Bitch.