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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

"She's getting married soon…" She told me as she chopped up carrots she was putting into her vegetable soup she was making. Country music played softly in the background of the kitchen, Scotty McCreery singing 'See You Tonight', my latest song obsession. "She's planning the wedding and I guess really excited."

I reached into the fridge for the tub of Ricotta cheese for the homemade manicotti I was preparing. "Oh, really? That's nice. Sooo… whose the guy?" I grinned "What's he like? What does he do?"

"He uhhhh… he doesn't do anything." She told me.

Silence.

I stood there at the kitchen counter staring at her "He what? I'm sorry… he does NOTHING?" I echoed in shock, not sure I heard her right. How could someone do nothing? "When you're single you work. That's what you do. I don't understand."

As she scraped chopped vegetables from her wood cutting board into the stainless steel pot sitting on the burner she nodded "Um, yeah, I know." She carried the cutting board across the kitchen to the sink where she began rinsing it with cool water. "She's a lawyer and supporting him. Their engaged and she wants kids really bad."

"Yeah, but…." I said with a raised eyebrow… "Wait, they don't have kids yet, right?" I confirmed… snapping a square off of my Perugina milk chocolate bar and popping it in my mouth.

"Right." My mother affirmed and looked over at me. "I know, I know what you're thinking. I've been thinking the same thing. It's all ridiculous." She added resignedly.

"How can he be at home? And do nothing?" I asked incredulously, still trying to wrap my head around that. "There aren't any kids to care for. What? They need him to water and talk to the houseplants? I mean, what kind of partnership is THAT?!" I exclaimed.

She sighed "I know… you're saying all the things I've been thinking… and I agree. She's in love and apparently blind to what's already going on."

"What do you mean? What's going on?" My brows furrowed as I mixed ingredients in a small stainless steel mixing bowl.

"Well, she comes home and the place is a mess. He hasn't done anything all day. I mean, here she is, she's worked all day and she comes home to a dirty house and he can't even clean up and contribute to the household. She has to do everything." She explained.

"I guess my tolerance levels for bs have lowered significantly since divorcing my own toxic ex… " I snorted. "But this is a whole new level of insanity. She's running around doing everything after a long day at work and how is he helping her? This is not a partnership. This is nottwo people who are each putting in one hundred percent. This is one giver and one taker. He will eventually no longer be capable of being pleased. He will demand more and more of her. Expecting more money, less responsibility on his part which is already nil and never being satisfied. He will be the 'other child' she has and she will come to resent him for it. He will one day no longer have her respect because he's so emasculated. And he may not respect himself. She may think this is the 'way to run a marriage' because it leads her to being in the driver's seat, the superior one, the one in control, the one who will make the decisions. But this will lead to a mess guaranteed. I see the writing on the wall." I told her.

She nodded "I totally see your point and I agree." She sighed "Try telling her that, though. You know how it is… no one can tell these things to someone whose in the situation. Emotions muddy everything and make it difficult to see down the road… into the future especially. Everyone has to make their own mistakes. And sometimes they are costly. Sometimes who we shouldn't marry is like a flashing sign to everyone else... yet people continue to choose the wrong person. They get older, they want to have kids, they want to settle down and so they finally just pick somebody. And it may be the wrong one."

"Yeah…" I replied as I began carefully piping the ricotta, mozzarella, fresh parmesan and egg mixture with Italian seasonings into the manicotti noodles I'd made. "I just hate seeing people marry the wrong person. I mean, I have an almost physical reaction. It makes me want to throw up. I hate seeing that, it's like a runaway train that can't be stopped. I guess because once you've been married and divorced you don't want to see other people go through that pain. Plus the effects on the kids. It's awful." I told her.

"I know…" She said. "It's hard to watch and yet there's not a thing we can do about it." She sadly shook her head "She, like everyone, has to learn the hard way. That's human nature."

When dating, searching for a man who is marriage material, we need to begin by looking at men… not little boys pretending to be men who are only capable of growing chest hair and that's as far as they mature. As women we need to first know what a man looks like and familiarize ourselves with that image.

5 Signs He's A Man Not A Boy:

1. He's a provider. He needs to have something called ambition, some drive, some goals and dreams. Idleness is not a characteristic of a man but a boy.

2. He's disciplined. He knows how to manage his finances and not spend his paycheck before he's even received it. He takes care of his health and knows it's fleeting and a blessing from God. He goes to church regularly, reads his bible and prays. He strives to become all that God desires him to be including the husband his wife needs.

3. He needs to be able to communicate in a calm, loving way without losing it. He needs to have a hold on his emotions and be slow to anger. If he is explosive it will turn everyone away from him and make them fearful which will leave little room for love and trust.

4. He needs to have humility. Can he admit when he was wrong and not place blame on you? If he screws up, if he added to the argument or what not, he needs to own up to it and how he contributed. Pridefulness will be the death of a relationship if he won't ever admit his failings.

5. He needs to know that women aren't to be objectified, used, raped, hit, abused verbally or emotionally in any way shape or form. He needs to live a life that his strength is for protection not for hurting and teach his sons this example.

As women

we may get caught

up in society's ideals

of what to look for in a husband…

like physical appearance,

status... his vehicle,

his personal style, home, etc.

Standards & Preferences:

It's fine to have preferences when it comes to blonde, brown or red hair... it's okay to prefer boots over loafers or a truck over a Jaguar or vice versa. It's okay to want quirky, cheesy, romantic or a weirdness that matches up with ours. We all have a certain look, personality, sense of humor, etc we may be attracted to over another... and yet when choosing a future spouse we also don't want to lose sight of what really matters... their character, their beliefs, their values, morals, their love for Christ, their temperament, their ability to communicate and show love in a healthy manner.... someone who knows our difficulties, our failings, our weak spots and yet would never use them against us. A man who is like a protective bear, who walks the side closet to the sidewalk, a gentleman who ensures you're safely inside a building before pulling away from the curb. A man who is patient, kind, loving and humble.

Just like a woman, a man must use caution in who he marries. If he's drawn to women who exhibit very strong, overbearing personality types it's important he has a strong sense of who he is. Both partners need to feel heard and contribute to the relationship as partners. Otherwise the union takes on an unhealthy balance and the wife plays the role of a parent. If he's depressed he needs to seek therapy and possible medication to deal with where he's struggling.