Further Up and Further In

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Why I feel like a hypocrite

For all my talk about community, for all of my focus on how love comes around and is best known through a tight relational body, for all my belief that true friends get in your face - no one has asked me the difficult questions recently.

Not that my friends haven't been calling me or responding to my calls. I've not been neglected or trotted off to failure. The cold, lonely hands of time are not within sight or sound. I haven't been left begging for contact in the streets or hungry for conversation.

But I haven't been asked the difficult questions. I haven't been handled aggressively, shaken for all my fruits. And a large part of that is my intentional fault.

Really, who wants to be rankled? Who wants to be condemned, abused, mistreated? Who wants to be uncomfortable? Who wants to worry that a slipped word in conversation can lead to an ill-proportioned gossip-monster?

But I think the problem is, who wants to trust? Who wants to stop doing what he feels is convenient, comfortable or pleasurable? Who wants to be held accountable?

God is not mocked, we reap what we sow. I think, in some ways, I've sown the whirlwind.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Drive (unfinished)

sometime 'tween the beginning and the driving we were trying for the very first again a shoving, easy pulley out and in like a baby had lost her legs i don't know which way i should shop this grin

somewhere 'tween the end and the bendsbetween the engine 'n' the lead found myself pulling for breakfast made room at the top of the drag ice don't bear enough friction spun camaro pulled close into the snow

how often i travel faster than frictionfound in the relationship of the groovesand the gravel, pavement, is loosebefore fact pulls its queen of fictionbefore the devil's secretary takes dictionand i'm trapped between blue lights and no pavementno race, no movement

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

*taps on mic*

Did a look at the whore scare you all?

Have we abandoned this blog?

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

lol, sorry had to put that there.

I just wanted to come here and say HAHAHA, I'M GRADUATING, SUCKAAAAS!!! IN YOUR FACE DEVIL! Cuz you know, Satan has had a hit out on me since I was conceived (like *really*, he really doesn't like me!) But that's cool. I take it as a compliment.

Recently I wrote A-dizz and told him that I wasn't excited about graduating, and at the time I wrote the email I did feel that way. I was actually quite bitter about it all. But today, after waking up with tears in my eyes over a highly distubring dream (about my ex, ugh), encountering my mom's recent depression, having to deal with the heartaches that come with being a young aunt, and facing troubling woes with my father head-on, I HAD to pray. Prayer was the only thing that would keep me from crumbling into my own weary pit of hell. (You see Satan was attacking my emotions, because he knows that I'm an emotional person.)

Whomever said prayer doesn't work obviously doesn't know how to pray. I've never been so instantly relieved. God has been revamping my prayer life in miraculous ways...it's like a whole new creation is taking place in me. And my question is finally answered: A Creator never stops creating.

I got up off of my knees and understood that: I'm graduating with a degree in Grace. A little Christology certification at the side, and a minor in Abundant Life. God is setting me up for the big bad world, and at the same time, setting me up for greatness.

I prayed for my family.I prayed for my friends (I prayed that we all continue to develop in courage, success, honor and integrity).And I also prayed, for me.

I prayed that everything I touch, do, become and encounter will be blessed. And not only that, but strengthened with power that can only come from up above.

I thank God for that.And I thank God for my graduation.

It's nothing to take lightly, and I realize that now.

I'm learning to walk in victory y'all.And it's a journey that I hope to see all of you on, right along with me.

Monday, January 30, 2006

A Look at the Whore

Perfume wafted in the air, heavy like the steps of a man too heavy to walk home after carousing. It threatened to take down the unsuspecting, but to the familiar, to the one willing to part with some silver or gold, its bearer would willingly lay herself down like an old horse.

We had talked about her in the shadows, and deliberately avoided her name in the open - for fear that people would know that we know of her existence. She is a nomad, with no home; as one of our poet-prophets spoke years ago, "Like a rolling stone, no direction home."

There are other reasons we do not look in her direction. It is not so much fear of the elders. For maybe we know too much of the elders. Maybe we've smelled a bit of a waft on them also, as if they were washing their sleeves in her hair. No one wants to be brought out in public, or embarrassed, but it would not be a shaming finger from the elders that do us in.

I think it is her eyes. Not the mascara. Not the bruises that the mascara covers. Although we've wondered who these men are that would or could treat a woman in such a way. Or rather, how low a woman has to be before she is no longer considered a sister, an aunt, a mother, a daughter.

It is not so much her eye color, not the hazel, the rich light coffee. It is what is inbetween her eyes, the darting pupils. It is the slightest touch of life, as if she knows she deserves so much better and one day she will awake and demand much better, she will leave everything and everyone in her path like the furious winds that drag our homes into the sky, she will demand - no, she will forcefully receive - her dignity, her grace, her children, her true lot in life.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Chu'ch Girl (pt.1)

Disclaimer:This is a lil graphic. But it's REAL. And this DOES happen in churches all across North America, from what I know at least. I don't want any of y'all to be offended, but ummm...well, just let the story speak for itself. It's fiction of course, like ALL my stories on here. (Bet ya didn't know that!)

~

Sit up straight. Smile when they talk to you. Make sure you show how happy you are to see them. Make them believe it. Make them think you are genuine. And for Pete’s sake girl, make sure you’re face is washed and refreshed after the sermon. Nobody likes a sweaty little girl…

Instructions were what I was used to every Sunday. This wasn’t an intrusion on my daily life though, because this was the spiritual alternative to what I dealt with all the time.My mother.Head deaconess.Children’s and Youth Choir Director.Head Chairwoman of the Outreach Committee.And when the Nurse In Charge was sick on any given Sunday, she became the replacement. Her skills didn’t even reach past 2nd year nursing school in the Virgin Islands.She was Mrs. Williamson-Smith. The most respected and applauded churchwoman since 1927, when the Holy Ghost fell upon her in front of family and friends, and she began to prophesy. Up to this day, most members of the Southwind Holy Spirit of Fire Baptist church still don’t know what really happened that faithful day of March 16th, 1927. But older members proclaim it being the most spirit filled performance to date in the church.That word rang out annoyingly to me: performance.Did God execute church productions?I never thought so.But knowing my mother, I’m sure she made it seem that way.

He picked out the prayer closet by the empty storage room. We were on the second floor of the administration wing at Southwind. It was Sunday. 12:30 in the afternoon. Right when the hooping and hollering started up before the long winded sermon, I let out the most daring scream. It bellowed down the halls of the abandoned wing, but no one caught it. Or caught us for the matter.I lost my virginity at 13.I got pregnant at 14 and a half.

____________

-Ahhhh Deacon Randolf, nice to see you again.I forced a smile.-Same to you pretty little miss, how have you been doing?-Fine.

I stopped myself from saying anything else.He caught my taut jaw, and my glance down to floor. Slowly, I looked back up and saw his neck crooked--face incredulous--expecting me to say more.

I bet.

-You sure you’re okay little lady?-Yessir, today is the day that the Lord has made…

I faded off in hopes he would continue, and surely he did. With a wide mouth, head back, laughing gauntly with eyes shut tight. My eyes were black and pressed on him. He touched my right shoulder gently and said that my momma sure done raised me proper. That I’d be a fine deaconess one day. That God sure has favor on me. Maybe one day I’d even run the choir—Nausea hit me at that instant.I smiled ghastly, and said ‘good-day’ hurriedly so I could run to the basement bathroom. I didn’t want to be questioned why my puke was green with the cabbage sauce and saugage links I cooked up this morning. Or why when I peed it was yellower than usual. Or that my breasts were awfully full for a young, wiry thing like me. Or why Mrs. Delloware often heard gasps and grunts every other Sunday since June…

I swear on the Holy Book, Celia. People are in that prayer room during service. Oh why I was there? I needed to get art supplies for the children’s activities.Where is Lucia anyway? She hasn’t been in the front pews lately…has she?

I heard my mother smiling from across the atrium. I glanced over and bowed my head politely. Everyone was expecting me to glow on Sunday’s, and I never let them down. I saw Carlos by the secretary office and he smiled at me. I looked at him quickly, then dazed. I didn’t return the gesture, it would’ve looked too obvious. Everyone at Southwind had a second pair of eyes when it came to me and the boys. I was the prettiest little black girl to ever exist they said. Too bad I was so dark though. Black, but pretty.

Deacon Smith should’ve produced a lighter child…

I heard the pastor’s wife whisper that to the treasury lady one day after Sunday school. I rolled my eyes in my head just for the satisfaction.

If they ever knew how their sons wanted my bluish-black body. How they craved it. And came to my room at nights sometimes just to taste my flesh. But I wouldn’t let ‘em.Blackberries are the juiciest they say.Carlos had his fill more than anyone else...