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hard

Life gets hard, it’s suffocating me. Desperately getting harder and harder to breathe. Gasping for the air that won’t fill up my lungs. Constant attempts to rid the hate the outside world has towards my insides. I try anything and everything, but its nothing but a failed attempt. Everyday is a constant struggle that I have to face. Day after day, I pray and pray that it will get better, but it only gets worse. I guess it’s fair because I destroyed his life which in turn destroyed mine. I wish I never had done it, but it was too late to go back. It was too late to do anything. Not only had I missed the window, I was caught in the middle with nowhere to go.

I just got fed up with all this bullshit, and I just exploded like two and a half hours after eating 15 tacos from Taco Bell. All this hatred, fear and anger took toll of me. It fermented itself into gas, eventually there was too much and it had no where to go so it just blew up. I lost control of my body for such a long time. I felt myself standing there but my words, my muscles and my body was not in my control. The words slipped out of my mouth and the second they were said, it felt like my heart was stabbed. I was slowly bleeding, on the verge of wanting to be dead but there was no one to save me. I had put this upon myself and I had to spend the rest of my life with it. I woke up in another land, confused, frustrated and unable to move. I felt like someone took my heart, crushed it and stuck it back inside me.

He will forever hate me and I will forever feel like the inside of a toilet seat, just because of some words that weren’t meant to be said. They slipped out like a cartoon character slipping on a banana peal. They were never meant to be said, they weren’t even true. I used these god awful words to make him feel like shit; it was supposed to make me feel better about myself but it only made me feel worse. I was slowly losing the desire to do anything. Did I even deserve happiness, after I forced all this to happen?

I avoided looking the mirror because my reflection got too much for me to handle. My reflection only portrayed the beast inside of me. The beast I so desperately didn’t want to be; my worst enemy. How could I live with myself knowing that I was my own worst enemy? It’s getting hard to breathe, my thoughts, my mind and my actions compressing my lungs. Forcing all the existing air out and preventing any from entering inside; leaving me to die. I gasp for air that can’t fill up my lungs. For now it’s too late, I have failed.

I’m not like you. I don’t belong here. I don’t fit in. I’m don’t wear clothes just from the girls department and I don’t wear clothes just from the boys department. I don’t just wear girl deodorant and I don’t just wear boy deodorant. I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t have a girlfriend. I don’t have crushes on just girls and I don’t have crushes on just boys. I don’t dream about girls and I don’t dream about boys. I don’t hangout with just girls and I don’t hang out with just boys. I don’t play just girl sports and I don’t play just boy sports. I’m not a he and I’m not a she. I’m not just a gamer and I’m not just an artist. I’m not a just a guitarist and I’m not just a writer. I’m not just an athlete and I’m not just a fashionista. I’m not just a kid who’s favorite color is pink and I’m not just a kid who’s favorite color is burgundy. I’m not just a kid that reads the books and I’m not just the kid that watches the movies. I’m not just a kid going through a problem but I’m a kid with a secret.