Supermarkets urge public to stop whinging on about their filthy chickens

Supermarkets throughout Britain are urging the public to stop whinging on about their filthy chickens and get on with the serious business of panic buying all sorts of shit in time for the festive bank holiday later in December.

A spokesman for the National Association of Supermarkets explained “We could spend money on non-filthy chickens but that would leave us a bit short and you wouldn’t get those wonderful jingly feel good Christmassy adverts. Anyway it’s only about half of the chickens that are drenched in dodgy bacteria. So it’s a bit like playing Russian roulette with your poultry which is even more fun. You can say to yourself before every meal ‘Do I feel lucky punk?’ A bit like Clint Eastwood would, probably.

“Of course it’s all OK if you cook the chicken properly. As long as you wash your hands after you touch it raw. And keep washing. Because unless you disinfect every little bit of your skin before touching your mouth or the cooked chicken….Anyway it’s all fine.”

Tesco who have the lowest occurrence of the Campylobacter bug at roughly 50% told us that their policy of selling chicken in random chopped and shaped lumps rather than fresh had clearly paid off. “You don’t get campylobacter from mincing chickens” a spokesman told us.