“I’m Afraid to Fail” And Other Excuses for Being Average

How many of your daily decisions revolve around avoiding failure? How many calls go unmade? How many projects remain dormant? How many big dreams play out only inside the fail-proof space of your imagination? How much bullshit do you endure purely because you know you can be really, really accomplished at bullshit and because it’s reassuring to have your name on an embossed business card with a fancy title underneath:

John DoeManaging Director of Bullshit

How to avoid failure.

If you’re determined, you can go to extraordinary lengths to avoid failure. Pursue a boring career and marry a person you don’t love. Add to that a mortgage for a suburban crapbox, car repayments on a 4WD that’ll never leave the city, a few dull friends, and a yappy dog that pees on the carpet, and you can be unpleasantly distracted for an entire lifetime.

Keep telling yourself: “This is good enough, this will do,” and learn to tolerate the chronic sadness that nags from the core of your heart.

That way, you’ll never have to fail.

But really, isn’t your whole miserable life a failure, John Doe?

So ask yourself this:

1. I’m afraid to make a fool out of myself.

Let’s say your epic plan blows up in a spectacular mushroom cloud and now you have to face friends, family, and coworkers with a sooty face and singed eyebrows. Everyone will see you’re a loser. Sucks to be you.

But guess what? Other people don’t care. They’re too focused on their own plans, fears, failures, and shortcomings. Stop playing out cocktail party conversations in your head starring you as the subject of mockery. “What a loser that guy is! Ha-ha-ha! Oh, dear, I just laughed so hard that I squirted Cristal out my nose.”

Nope. That’s not happening in real life. You’re not that important. It may seem earth-moving to you, but your failure will be an insignificant spec of dust among 7 billion people.

Nobody cares. Get it? So remove your tail out from betwixt your thighs and stop rolling around in the stink of your self-pity.

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
―Thomas A. Edison Click to Tweet

2. I’m afraid of being wrong.

Perhaps there’s someone in your life who will give you a hard time if you fail: A husband or wife, a boss, a parent, your talking parrot Petey. “Gahhh. Loser! Loser! Gahhh.”

This person doesn’t believe in you and if your plan fails, you’ll give them the satisfaction of being right. Right?

Listen up: These people are assholes. Let them do a pathetic mocking monkey dance until they fall and drown in the cesspool of their jealousy. Their energy is toxic. Associate yourself with positive, supportive enablers, cut the naysayers from your social circle, and practice quick-drawing your middle finger to those who say: “Ha! Told you so!” Read more about naysayers here.

“If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
― Steven Wright Click to Tweet

3. I’m afraid to discover that I’m not awesome.

Uh-huh! The truth comes out. If you try and fail, you will arrive at an ugly reality: You’re not The Most Amazing Person Who Ever Lived. You’re a standard, floundering, fleshy human being who is not perfect. Fantasy = popped.

You may enjoy telling yourself: “It only appears as though I’m a single guy who sits on the couch all day watching reality TV while scratching my balls, but I’m actually The Most Amazing Person Who Ever Lived. However, I’m just going to keep that little secret to myself.”

You’re fooling nobody—not even yourself. This kind of delusional thinking breeds jealousy and resentment, and in order to feed your starved ego, you’ll end up knocking down others like the naysayers mentioned above.

A failure can be a harsh reality check, but without risking it, you’ll never see what you’re capable of. And if you take a chance and give it everything, you may get a different kind of reality check: You’re more amazing than you ever imagined. So let go of your ego, the TV remote, and your nutsack, and see what happens.

“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”
― Henry Ford Click to Tweet

4. I’m afraid of ending up in a worse place than where I started.

Sure, you can lose the gamble. You can lose your investment, the time, the energy that it took to get your enterprise up and running. That would be a shame. But do you know what’s an even greater shame? You’ll never, ever know true success.

In the end, we’re all going to fail epically. We’re going to die. What you do between now and then will define your time on this earth. Don’t settle for being John Doe, Managing Director of Bullshit so that you can pretend you’ve never failed.

“… rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.”
― J.K. Rowling Click to Tweet

Here are two people who are not afraid to fail:

With their son Cole (plus a new baby on the way), they travel the world and live in exotic locales while supporting themselves through a range of online projects. They continually bite off more than they can chew, and then somehow manage to chew it. I have no idea how they do what they do. Just watch them pack their suitcases in this Kickstarter video, and tell me you don’t feel like napping afterwards.

Right now, they’re working on a documentary about a new generation of people who are taking their careers online in order to travel the world. They’re asking perfect strangers for $35,000 in order to finalize the project. Clearly, their fundraising plan is idiotic and they’re most certainly going to fail. Nobody can raise that kind of money from strangers and …

Thank you thank you thank you. It’s such a basic concept, but as a society we’re all too comfortable and scared to leave that comfort to pursue what we really want. This spoke so much to me, because where I’m at right now has a huge potential to fail, be the wrong thing, or put me in a worse place than now. But I’m going to do it anyway. Because I can, because I’m pushing myself off the proverbial ledge and taking a leap of faith. Pretty much because of everything you’ve outlined above, though I’ve never been able to put it so succinctly.

Next time someone comes up with doubts and reasons to stay average – be it towards my plans or their own – I’m just going to point them here I loved this post!

Delurking to say that this is really great! I think one of the most important life lessons is that failure is really a prerequisite to success. By avoiding failing, you’re avoiding trying at all! How boring. My biggest fear has always been “but what if someone out there in the world won’t like me??”, but really, not being liked by every person ever is inevitable anyway.

thank you. great post. but I’d like to read more about being afraid to succeed. a friend asked me that a couple of years ago and I just laughed it off. who is afraid to succeed? we all want to be successful, don’t we? I now start to wonder if she knew (knows) me better than what I gave her credit for. because I do think it’s both. fear of failure as much as fear of success. because nothing is more alienating than even just proclaiming you want to change/to be or do more/to do x,y,z. being mediocre keeps you safely within your friends’ and family’s comfort zone and thereby part of it. any thoughts on that???

Good question, Petra. I’m facing that at the moment. My book is going to be published in 2013 and I’m experiencing a range of emotions and fears on what is to come. My fear of success is much greater than any fear I had of failing when I first set out to write a book. In success, you cannot hide and be deliciously insignificant. The limelight is on YOU and your opportunities to fail grow out of control.

So I’m scared to succeed with it, but I’m also scared to fail. This leaves me standing here, looking towards next year like a deer frozen in the headlights. Check back in mid-2013 and find out if I’m still alive or if I’m smeared all over the road.

I just keep reminding myself that it’s all a part of the journey. Success is scary, but it’s yet another adventure to experience in life.

“… being mediocre keeps you safely within your friends’ and family’s comfort zone” — In truth, people DO reject you after you succeed. It’s sad to witness, but in the end, this is how you sort the duds from the shining stars.

I wish more people knew that by sharing and being supportive in others successes will bring positive energy to them.
I have also heard that people who reject you after you succeed do so because they see in themselves their own mediocrity. You did it and they were unable. Good luck.

Oh Torre – what a great post, thanks! I am completing my first novel/memoir and live in that perpetual fear of failure…so this article is a breath of fresh air. Love the bit about naysayers…yes, rid life of them and surround yourself with positive people.

Thank you! This was just what I needed to read today (and everyday). While my husband and I aren’t sailing round the world, we do voluntarily move to a new state every few years (which seems to rank in the “crazy” category with a lot of folks, esp since we’ve got two kids). We’ve only recently stopped pathologizing and apologizing for this and begun to embrace it as just how we want to live our lives, but that doesn’t mean we’re not hounded by fear that we’re making the wrong choice. So, like I said: this post is just what I needed to read, and thank you for posting it!

I’m working my way up to a blog post about it, once I get clear about what deciding to be nomadic really means in practical terms for a family that’s not buying an RV (or maybe I’ll just wait until I get tired of trying to figure out what it means and blog about it anyway).

Great post Torre. It really hits home for me at the moment as I’m going to be back in London for a day next week. I have a connection there on my way to some travel blogging conferences, and am going to stop by and see some family. Every time I speak to them, they ask how my “holiday” is going. They believe I’m on a permananent vacation and have no idea how much I’m working despite my protestations. I learned a long time ago not to rise to them, but it can be hard not having the support of family – it can feel like a sort of failure – but you’re right that it’s best to ignore them. I huess it will be a good exercise in grinning and bearing it!

I think a lot of digital era “kids” are having this problem. If you’re not getting a steady pay-check, there will always be those who think you’re being self-indulgent!

My family are quite alternative and also very supportive, but even they were a little confused when I took two years off my career to write a book (though selling it to publishers made it seem less crazy in the end).

I love this. We tried and failed (because we trusted someone to make our product correctly) but life does go on. And sometimes failing is just the universe telling you there is something better out there for you. I miss chatting with you, Torre! I hope you are doing awesome.

Thanks for sharing your wise (yes, really!) thoughts and the quotes of others. I agree with Josh that Dr. Seuss says it best, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
We are all eagerly awaiting the new release of your novel and will celebrate your success no matter what … honest, we will still love you when you are on the NYT best-seller list. No further butt clenching with horror over failure, please.
When you get to my age (67, going on 40) it becomes very clear that way too much time was wasted in years past worrying about success or failure. From now on it’s all about maintaining an attitude of gratitude for every single day and full steam ahead with every dream. I know that’s easier said than done when you are young but it’s well worth a try … and Drew and Christine Gilbert are a fine example of this. How exciting to watch them move on to Sundance!
It was through their blog that I first discovered you!

Yay, love these ideas! I think there’s a little voice in everyone’s head that warns them about failure, and what that entails, but you just have to squash it and remain POSITIVE. That kind of energy will change the world (and your life)!

You’re thoughts are so fitting to me as well. I hate failure. In fact my life has been pretty cush and I’ve never really fallen on my face. But next year the leap I take could land me in a big muddy puddle. Hopefully my back up plans (someone who is afraid of failure always has a back up plan) will carry me through if things do go sour. But failure is always lurking behind every step of the way but it is up to the us to ignore it and proceed on and give it the last laugh instead. To all that feel what she’s saying in her blog just remember it is okay to fail. It’s all about how you come back from it. Maybe your plan just had a few holes in it. Patch it up and move on.

I am really sick of hearing that one has to be travelling from country to country if one wants to live life to the full. I want to have friends for longer than a year and I want to be near my boyfriend who does not have a wireless compatible career or skills – does that make me average? I wish my parents hadn’t dragged me across the globe when I was young, I might’ve been able to continue ballet, study computer science, be part of a Doctor Who fan club.

Pursuing whatever it is that makes you happy doesn’t make you average! Travel is a great way of life if (and only if) it’s an activity that you find exciting. It’s not for everyone! Don’t apologise for your likes and dislikes. Anyone who says you have to travel to be fulfilled in life is an idiot.

Ahh … it’s a little too complicated to explain over a comment! I made the site myself, but with the help of 10+ years of web and graphic design experience. Google ‘How to set up a Wordpress blog’ and go from there.
Best,
Torre

Ha! Gorgeous post! Thanks for this. I’ve been spending a lot of energy learning how to ignore my fear of failure over the last few years but it’s always very useful to have a reminder pep talk from someone else

A few months ago when I was working on a couple of big things in tight timeframes and was struggling and not sure I could make it, I said so on my Facebook status and asked people for encouraging nudges. One of the most useful things someone said to me was “remember, it’s just a series of little tasks”. I put up two big sheets of paper on my wall above my desk: “I CAN do it!!!” and “It’s JUST a series of LITTLE tasks!”

In the last few years I’ve also become very ruthless about who I make time for in my life. I prioritise the people who make me feel like anything is possible, who make me feel excited and vital. I still have people I love and spend time with who don’t, but I make sure they’re not my dominant influence.

And you know what? I’ve been having the craziest, fun, creative ideas since I’ve made these changes. It’s hard to think big when you’re shutting yourself up in a little “scared of failure” box.

Thanks for your comment, Rose. You’re right—big accomplishments ARE just a series of small tasks. This was a very reassuring reminder for me when I was sailing the Pacific. It’s an enormous ocean to cross, but remembering that we were doing it mile by mile made it seem accomplishable.

Excellent article! I think one of our biggest issues in life is that we care what other people think of us. Now, we should all care about what people think to a point but most of us take it much further than that and allow it to control what we do in our daily lives. BIG NO-NO!

This was just a month’s trip. We are a bit time-restricted, as my husband Kari is still a corporate slave. I resigned last spring.

We drove at leisurely pace from Finland to Mediterranean shore in Italy and back. This time it was about 6000 kilometers, as we took a ferry from Finland to Sweden, from Sweden to Germany and now from Poland to Finland. Kari wanted to drive the mountain passes in the Swiss Alps and they sure were a delight. He drives and I just sit in the back, enjoying the scenery and taking photos.

As we love Italy, we stopped there for couple of weeks, mostly going around Piemonte area. The area is famous for its food, and boy, did we stuff ourselves with fine food and wine! The Italian people are lovely too. At some point I definitely want to live there for a while.

When we reached the sea, we took a nice swim and started the drive back home

Everything went fine and the bike needed only minor tuning – Italian Yamaha-service did the work for free! This time we avoided the poor-condition eastern countries’ roads and the route was just perfect. We got all the accommodation on the run and only once we hit a town that was so full of locals that we had to drive on late at night.

Europe is so fun and easy to travel around. What we miss is the weather you have there in Thailand…

Wonderfully put. Sometimes you take a risk and it all works out beautifully, other times it just blows up in your face, but risks are still work taking. Sometimes the “failure” teaches you something. Risks just make you a more complete person, one willing to work towards being the best they can be.

one thing though. Fear is also their to protect you. I would be all for going for things and over coming fear but only if the consequences of failure are managable. Many people dont do things, out of fear of loosing all their money. Fear of dying. Fear of living on the street if they bomb. I wish their were more articles comparing the two types of fear.

In order to make awesome things come true, you need to go all out. People who achieve extraordinary success often times lay everything on the line, their life savings, even their life sometimes. Entrepreneurs who believe in their product, film-makers who won’t get funding and they go into debt to finance their vision. Someone extra-extraordinary is Robert Rodriguez, the director of El Mariachi. He went into debt and subjected himself to experimental medical testing and used the funds from both to finance his movie. This effort and investment led him to become big Hollywood player, making movies with Tarantino. Ellen McArthur, the fastest solo round the world sailor saved every penny since she was eight years old to buy a boat. In the process of saving money she lived under the boat in a shed during construction of her boat. She’s now a millionaire and most respected member of the sailing community. There are lots of examples like this out there. This people did indeed face prospect of having no money left or losing their lives. But their passion for their projects was greater than their fears, and in the end, they succeeded. Not everyone succeeds, but even in failure one learns valuable lessons. If you want a safe, predictable outcome, then your choices will be limited to everyday jobs. Which is fine if that if what one aspires to, but you you want greatness, you’ll need to take some risks and accept the outcome, either good or bad.

The story and video of the Christine and Drew Gilbert is amazing! So inspirational! It’s great to see people not only working whilst travelling, but doing it with a baby (and another one on the way? what????)!

I’ve lost two jobs this year and feel like a big loser. I don’t really care what people say nor am I afraid to make mistakes. The economy isn’t doing too well in my part of the world but I still think I’m entitled to a decent job.
My only feat of the past year is turning a close friendship into love. It is the biggest gamble I have ever taken and I’ve never been happier. Losing her might be my only fear in life, otherwise I’m bullet proof.

Very inspiring read. I think many of us are conditioned from early age, by our surroundings, parents even, to place great importance and crazy amounts of energy on not having adventurous spirits. Society would like us boxed in for the sake of “progress”, and we quell our passions for it and reinforcing the 4 thought mechanisms your brought up.

I’ve just started work on a personal project that I’m passionate about, and it’s quite a ride. Jumping from fear to feelings of “this is so awesome, I love doing this”.
Thanks for helping me focus my energy where it matters!

Torre? Did you write this, yes? I’m here…bawling my eyes out at the sense of relief that’s overcome me. Sad..I know. I’ve been scouring the internet for anything….anything at all that could help me (for the sake of my wonderful family), and the power of your words – well, it’s tremendous. I’m waking up tomorrow and arranging an interview for this job I have my eye on. I’m so deeply sad and afraid to get out there, but this is time I feel I can. What honest, wonderful words. Thank you so very much. xxx

Any thoughts on what to do if your dream/passion is inherently not a money-earning endeavor, i.e. non-commercially focused arts, or wanting to be devoted to self-education/spirituality/higher understanding?

This was such an awesome read, thanks Torre. I started a new career recently, way out of my comfort zone and involving a lot more creative thinking than I’m used to. I’ve been so paralysed by the fear that my ideas might fail, or that I might make a mistake, that ironically I spend so much time worrying about it that I can’t think creatively or work productively! Brains can be such a pain in the arse sometimes

it seems to me that as kids or younger adults, we ARE fearless. we try things, we take the plunge. i’ve moved to the other side of the world without ever thinking i might fail. i knew i will make it, and i made it. but it became so easy to forget this journey when i got older, and put down by my boss or other people’s opinions. in my case, i simply forgot who i was and how i got where i am now. it may sound weird, but it’s true. i had to remind myself of my own strengths, and stop letting doubters bring me down.

Sadly what if one fears being the under dog , fears working from the bottom up , fear conformity, fears the working class or even strangers and wishes they had a faithful nonjudging friend by ones side.

I’m full of big ideas, but lately I keep running for cover any time one of them flies out of my head. I just quit a great job (well, it would probably have finished in three months anyway) last week because I realised that I had become so uninterested in what I was doing that I could no longer do my job well. But even though I had a smart plan (to do what I love) when I quit, I had to stop myself looking through job ads this evening. I had even stopped looking at good jobs and started looking at jobs in rural areas that I thought *no-one else would want* because then I could reduce my chances of wasting time writing a job application. At some point before the *worst location possible* search I had begun writing a job application and then stopped when I realised I just couldn’t be bothered talking about more stuff that I just don’t care about. The fact is I’ve saved enough to keep me going for at least a little while without worrying about this stuff, but I’m still scared that that isn’t enough of a guarantee!

Anyway, I shall persevere in trying to make the right moves to freedom and love, despite running backwards every now and then!

What I actually do fail at everything I do?
What if I am always wrong?
you get the point, here’s something I wrote elsewhere.

“Greetings.
I’m here to explain how I’m a failure in life, these days whenever I look into my future I see either a lonely life of sorrow and misery, or an eventuall suicide.

I was born in a country I don’t belong, and I’m sure I’ll fail at getting a citizenship elsewhere. I was recently accepted at a university in the uk and am starting this september, and I’m sure I’ll fail at the foundation year let alone the actual degree (yes I’m not from the uk, though I look Caucasian somehow even though my parents don’t).

I suffer from extreme social anxiety and am completely terrified of social events, just walking on some sidewalk is hard work. I can’t even speak to my family anymore. I’m such a failure I can’t even write an application without doing something wrong.

My writing hand is bad, I stutter, I speed walk in public fearing sounding foolish over making small talk and avoid eye contact fearing harmful thoughts or misjudgement from people.

I doubt every action I do, as I fail at everything. Everyday I wake up wishing I had died in my sleep. Even while writing this I’m sure someone out there is thinking “what a pathetic wimp.”

Thanks for reaching this far.”

I always get jealous from hearing about some prodigy from a poor family who’s the smartest person his country ever saw. and I should be because I could never excel at anything and that’s not just negative thinking that’s just the me.

here’s how I think my life would turn out.
1-I’d fail trying to get my bachelors and commit suicide.
2-I’d graduate and either go straight to graduate school or work for a year first, either way i’d end up either committing suicide after failing or living a life of lonely misery..after failing.

I’m below average because I am just that, no chance of getting any higher. i’m pathetic. and right now i’m absolutely sure whoever is reading this thinks the same of me.

The first paragraph is hilarious. This comedy together with, practical reality checks have tickled my spirits and I’m a little higher in my well of funk. Thank you for this piece, I’m going to continue reading other posts.

Dear Torre, I love this piece! I’m sending my book to the printer tonight. It should be ready for sale by Thursday. I’m secretly praying my heart will just stop beating. You nailed it, suddenly I feel like I want to embrace my invisibility.
Does it get better? Please say yes!
Thank you….

Thanks for this. I keep telling my 5 year old ‘well done for trying’, but could not tell that to myself. Last year has been one of repeated failures in exams. And its not easy when your wife tells you that ‘you dont have it in you anymore’.

this was great but what if you fear isn’t only because of dissipating someone. It wasting their money. Like my mom a single parent paying for a 60,000 dollar school as I study theater!! What if I don’t make it as an actor and my mom working two jobs and working her ass off is nothing. What if she’s says told you so you should of done nursing

hi..pls clue me on this. i dont know if it makes any sense, but my excuse is that i may be lazy and hence afraid of hard work. though everyone tell me dat i got so much potential and compare my past and wonder why i am average.

That story is awesome! My wife and I roil and toil. We wont give up. I’m a journeyman electrician that lives to draw portraits. Art is my real love, but you have to live til you’re discovered, or appreciated. Are there truly any Angels out there?

Right at this moment, I’m in the intersection between the prospect of a lifetime mediocrity (by staying at my job) and the uncertainty (by quitting and focusing on my project). Thinking about these two choices and consequences, I am starting to feel stressed. Mostly because I can’t seem to see any fail-proof plan. There are always possibilities of things went south, no matter what action I take.

In the midst of all this, Your article give me a brief reminder of why I want to do all this. Main reason is just for ensuring the me-in-the-future able to look at the past without regrets for not trying. Thank You!

Warm Regards,

Akbar

PS. I’m living in Bali. Looking forward to see you and have a chat in Bali.

i don’t no what to say,and what to write. beacuse i fill like a low BP. my mind , my heart totally fill veary veary low BP. my thinking is stoped.cloud comes in my mind.my taired from my self.totally upset .iam married man.iam 44 . 3daughter. i don’t like my work. i have to work in presser from boss.and iam not earnig enough salery allso.and iam away from my familly. i love my familly. i don’t have money to do some thing. and i like to live with my family.but not possible for me. i can not get job their.and nothing to make bussnesse. iam totally afraid from boss i can’t face him allso.my life totally lose .i fill to cry…..

Hopelessly devoted to words, art, travel, and the search for meaning. I'm a writer who travels. I'm a painter who potters. I'm a designer and an illustrator by trade. Love with a Chance of Drowning is my first book. My home is Melbourne, Australia.