by Jacob Holdt
Note: these jokes (uncensored and certainly not all
politically correct) are shown in the order I received them
in emails from good and really "bad" American friends.
I may have many jokes, but even I don't "get them all."

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,
screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an
examination room and has him put his dog down on
the examination table. The vet examines the still,
limp body and after a few moments tells the man
that his dog, regrettable, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept
this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with
a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet
and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,

"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the
vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm
sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the
vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650.

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you
$50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was
for the cat scan and lab tests."

___________________________________________________________

Reasons Tinky Winky can't be Gay:

1. The Purse doesn't match the shoes. Purple AND Red, I mean really,

clash-o-rama!

2. He's kinda' obese. Everybody knows that gay men (especially public

figures) are in remarkable shape.

3. That headpiece. While I rate it for its FABULOUS height, it really

doesn't have much in the way of frills, its just a triangle. A true

gay person would have accessorized it with beads and/or something

frilly.

4. He hangs out in a meadow.....ummmm skip that one, George Michael in

the park ruined that analogy for me.

5. He's a really bad dancer. Nuff said.

6. The name Tinky Winky. I don't know a gay man on the planet who

would go with a name like that.... I mean HELLO, it screams "I'm small

"down there" and I don't care who knows it"!

Sorry, Tinky can't be gay.

_________________________________________________________________

Insights from Leaders Of the Right

"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. it is about
a socialist, anti-family, political movement that encourages women
to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft,
destroy capitalism, and become lesbians."

-Pat Robertson

"The courts are merely a ruse, if you will, for humanistic, atheistic
educators to beat up on Christians"

-Pat Robertson

"You say,"You're supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians, and the
Presbyterians, and the Methodists, and this, that, and the other
thing"--nonsense! I dont have to be nice to the spirit of the
anti-christ!

I can love the people who hold false opinions, but i don't have to be
nice to them."

-Pat Robertson

"Its very healthy for a young girl to be deterred from promiscuity by
fear of contracting a painful, incurable disease, or cervical cancer, or
sterility, or the likelihood of giving birth to a dead, blind, or brain-damaged baby
(even ten years later when she may be happily married)"

-Phyllis Schlafly

"In the end all your knees will bow to Jesus Christ whether you want to
or not"

-Kevin Tebedo, director of Colorado for Family Values, to an audience

composed of various religions

"Who are the beneficiaries of the court's protection? Members of
various minorities including criminals, atheists, homosexuals, flag burners,
illegal immegrants (including terrorists), convicts, and pornographers"

-presidential candidate, Pat Buchanan

______________________________________________________

And Just Plain STOOPUD!

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old

man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two

(counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his

49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him,

while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's

head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect

safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging

the use of safety goggles on the job. According to

Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory

industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers

suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening

room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven

stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while

watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on

nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating

one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in

St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene,

fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to

complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13

years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took

the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it

reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker

confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington, DC, then a

few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for

robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to

see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized

his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse

in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a

suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and

connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.

The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and

police pressed the copy button each time they thought the

suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie

detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia,

Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated

robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still

refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of

walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph

chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the

vehicle to a stop.

________________________________________________________

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a
priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red
lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He
opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned
to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too
much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized.

"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had
arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

_________________________________________________________

REASONS TO KEEP AN OPEN MIND ABOUT THE OPINIONS OF OTHERS

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.'
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"But what ... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
1968, commenting on the microchip.

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
Equipment Corp., 1977

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of
no value to us."
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who
would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for
investment in the radio in the 1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible."
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred
Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives
for 3M Post-It" Notepads.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed
Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
--Bill Gates, 1981

__________________________________________________________

This Texan decides to try skydiving. He jumps out of the plane,
pulls the ripcord and nothing happens.

On the way down he passes a guy going up, so he hollers, "Hey, y'all
know anything about parachutes?"

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

Now count ALOUD the F's in that sentence.
Count them ONLY ONCE: do not go back and count them again.
See below...

Answer below:

ANSWER:

There are six F's in the sentence.

There is no catch. Many people forget the "OF"'s. The human
brain tends to see them as V's and not F's.

Pretty weird, huh? It fools almost everybody

___________________________________________________________

FAMOUS QUOTES FROM J. DANFORTH QUAYLE

Recently, DePauw graduate Dan Quayle announced his intentions to run for
President of the US in 2000. Since the average attention span in the US
is about as long as the average sitcom, and since many voters may not have
been watching the news when these were said the first time, we provide you with
this list of famous Quayle quotes. Enjoy these thought-provoking words of
wisdom from the man who would be our next president.

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with
those people." (J. Danforth Quayle)

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." (J. Danforth Quayle)

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and
child."
(J. Danforth Quayle)

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same
distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures
where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that
means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." (J.
Danforth Quayle)

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is." (J. Danforth Quayle)

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in
this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in
this century." (J. Danforth Quayle)

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and
democracy but that could change." (J. Danforth Quayle)

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and
that
one word is 'to be prepared.'" (J. Danforth Quayle)

"May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." The
Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though.]

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the
polls" (J. Danforth Quayle)

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and
the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame
for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The
killers are to blame." (J. Danforth Quayle)

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having
it." (J. Danforth Quayle)

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." (J.
Danforth Quayle)

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan
Quayle may or may not make." (J. Danforth Quayle)

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on
the mistakes we may or may not have made." (J. Danforth Quayle)

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it." (J. Danforth Quayle)

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system." (J. Danforth
Quayle)
*********

___________________________________________________________________

An Anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. No
letters can be used twice or left out.

The following ones are exceptionally clever (someone out
there either has
way too much time on their hands or is deadly at Scrabble)

Word/Phrase Anagram
___________________

Dormitory/ Dirty Room

Evangelist/ Evil's Agent

Desperation/ A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code/ Here Come Dots

Slot Machines/Cash Lost in 'em

Animosity/ Is No Amity

Mother-in-law/ Woman Hitler

Snooze Alarms/ Alas! No More Z's

Alec Guinness/ Genuine Class

Semolina/ Is No Meal

The Public Art Galleries/ Large Picture Halls, I Bet

A Decimal Point/ I'm a Dot in Place

The Earthquakes/ That Queer Shake

Eleven plus two/ Twelve plus one

Contradiction/ Accord not in it

_____________________________

This one is truly amazing:

"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether its
nobler in the mind
to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

ANAGRAM:

"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our
insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."

And for a contemporary one:

"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for
mankind."

(Neil Armstrong, on the moon)

ANAGRAM:
"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins
flag on moon. On to Mars."

___________________________________________

And a final one, a perfect accompaniment to the impeachment
trial;

you're not going to believe this:

"President Clinton, of the USA"

ANAGRAM

"To copulate, he finds interns"

________________________________________________________________

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and
feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a
newsstand
and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk,
"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says happily.

A little while later he goes to McDonalds for lunch and asks the order
taker the same question, to which the reply is, "I'd guess that you're
29?"

"Nope, I am actually 47."

He's starting to feel really good about himself. While standing at the bus
stop he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was
young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down
your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell
your exact age."

As there was no one else around the man thought what the hell and let her
slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

______________________________________________________________

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and
thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to
see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History and Logic.

"What's 'Logic'?", the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying: "Let me give you an example.
Do you own a weedeater"?

"Yup. Sure do".

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard", replied the
professor.

"That's real good!" says the redneck.

The professor continues: "Logic will also tell me that since you have
a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck says: "Amazin'!"

"And, since you own a house, logic dictates that you probably have a
wife".

"That's Betty-Mae! This is incredible!"

The redneck is obviously catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, I can logically conclude that you
are heterosexual", said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I
ever did hear! I can't wait to take that there logic class!!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back
into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes
are ya takin'?" asks the friend.

"Math, History and Logic!" replies the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is 'Logic'??" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first
redneck.

"No", his friend replied.

"Fag!"

_______________________________________________________________

Dear Cassius:
Are you still working on the Y-Zero-K problem?
This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't
much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong
way around.

Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start
thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it
earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at this last minute.

I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done
something about it when he was sorting out the calendar. He said he could
see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus, but he simply said
that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged
a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely we will not have to throw out
all our hardware and start again?

Macrohard will make yet another fortune out of this I suppose.
The money lenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all
usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to
takeout loans.

Its an ill wind ......
As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards.
We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been
working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's
all over.

I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the
turn of the year as there are fears that they will stop and try to run
backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life.
Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition.