Dr. Elaine Heffner: Gender difference questions

Tuesday

Jun 27, 2017 at 10:23 AMJun 27, 2017 at 10:23 AM

Dr. Elaine Heffner More Content Now

A new movie by Sofia Coppola — “The Beguiled” — has given rise to some discussion about a different perspective in films directed by female as compared to male directors. The movie is a remake of an earlier version of the same story — a wounded soldier in the Civil War recuperates in a girls boarding school — directed by a man. The question asked is whether this is a difference between two directors or does gender have something to do with it?

The question of gender differences is raised in relation to many issues these days with more interaction between men and women in the workplace and with men expected to participate more fully in child care and household responsibilities. But expected changes in behavior at times run counter to older attitudes and feelings about the respective roles of men and women.

During the 1980s, when feminist sensibilities were at a high point, I sat in on a consciousness raising group — popular at that time. A discussion ensued about trying to get men to do their share of housework. The complaint was that men’s idea of having cleaned the bathroom or washed the floor was a joke — meaning that they, the women, would have to do it over.

At a friend’s home for dinner, the man doing his part set the table. He said to watch, his wife would come in and change the way he had done the napkins. That was exactly what happened — a replay from a male point of view that women think men don’t do things the right way.

There are differences in gender perspective, some based on old ingrained social roles and others based in biology. These differences often give rise to familiar conflicts between mates, and between parents and children. Can we deal with such differences in perspective that are expressed in blame or irritation in relationships?

Perhaps a first step is to accept what can and what cannot be changed in any relationship. In the case of men not doing things the right way, how much of that is a woman’s investment in her former territory? The same might be said of male attitudes about women in the workplace. Can we accept differences in the way we function yet also think about the role of teaching in bringing about change?

In relationships between parents and children, developmental issues come into play that are expressed in children’s behavior running counter to parents’ expectations. During certain periods of development children don’t conform to what parents’ want, which parents may misread as defiance.

A couple came to see me about their 2-year-old son. The mother’s complaint was that the child no longer listens to her. An example was the fact that the child likes to play with the drapery cord in the living room and despite her repeated instructions to stop, he continues the behavior. Mom wanted to know what discipline to use. The father disagreed with his wife’s description, saying he was just being a child.

Helping parents see this behavior in the context of a 2-year- old, I added, “you have a little boy there — you don’t want to cut his b…s off.” Apologizing for the language, the mom replied that she was sure her husband appreciated it. His response was a big smile.

In this situation increased maturity along with parental teaching could bring about desired change. But mom in particular, had to accept that the child’s self-assertion, determined partly by gender, needed to be respected.

Respecting differences while using teaching to bring about change may be a good route to follow in many relationships.

— Elaine Heffner, LCSW, Ed.D., has written for Parents Magazine, Fox.com, Redbook, Disney online and PBS Parents, as well as other publications. She has appeared on PBS, ABC, Fox TV and other networks. And, she blogs at goodenoughmothering.com.