Friday, July 29, 2016

I actually drafted this post months ago, intending to continue writing as and when I am able to find time to pen down my thoughts. Well, it never happened as it's still sitting in the draft folder with the same words, however with my birthday just round the corner I suddenly have an urge to finish this post.

4 years ago I wrote a blog post My Story, All 39 years of it, Dedicated to Me for a linky party with fellow mummy bloggers. It was a post that allowed the public to have a glimpse of my life story and in that post I ended with a note that I'll probably talk to Me again in a decade's time, guess it will have to be a little bit earlier than that.

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Dear Me,

I know I said that I will write to you when you turn 49 but I decide to write to you just before that. What prompted me to write this 2nd letter at such a short interval? Well, it's this photo that came up on my facebook newsfeed.

If I could write a note to You, my younger self with only two words, it will be...

It has been a roller coaster ride these 4 years, along with Mum's sudden departure in November 2013 came the lowest, saddest, darkest moments in your life. You missed her nagging, the bickering you had with her and then hated yourself for being rude, cruel, disrespectful to her when deep down inside you know she cares about you a lot to fuss over you. Few months after her departure, you wrote that you just needed a good cry to move forward, we both know it didn't made you go far before you went into hiding again, till date you still can't get over it.

Then things at home started to spiral downwards, one thing led to another, suddenly we are a single-income family with all the burdens and responsibilities landing on your shoulder. Many a times you felt overwhelmed, suffocating and an urge to scream the hell out loud at every one to just STOP IT! And I know, there were times where you can feel that your brain is going to snap, you were so so close to crossing that thin line to do something stupid and regretful. You even felt the presence of depression approaching. I am so glad your willpower is much stronger than we both thought it is, we fought and won the battles with them.

Some nights you cry yourself to sleep, sometimes calling out for Mum in your heart, asking her for directions, talking to her in your mind and thinking what she would have advise you if she's still around. Surprisingly, the next day you felt so much better, maybe Mum did really hear you, took away the worry and whispered assurance in your dream that "Every thing's going to be ok."

Your biggest problem and worry is DinoBoy. You were afraid that you have not done a good job in raising and moulding him to be that better child. "Tiger Mum" - some of them labelled you as one, it was not a good feeling to be labelled but you turned a deaf ear and did what you thought was right at that moment,. You taught him using the ways Dad and Mum taught you, instilled in him the core values and discipline of life when he was younger. Give yourself a pat on the shoulder because you have successfully mould him to be a sensible child. He may still have his flaws but no one human is 100% perfect, he just needs time to grow out of them. This is already half the battle won right?

Every one in the family has their own dynamics, including you but you did not have time to deal with yours as you spend most of your waking time trying to help the others deal with theirs because they were lost and stuck at that moment.

The stressful environment in the house caused DinoBoy to be exceptionally difficult, creating trouble in school and student care, it was taking a toll on you and hurting your relationship with him. You made a hasty & shocking decision to pull him out of student care when he did something disastrous in the centre that day. I know, you have had enough of it, removing him from the cause of the problem is the only solution at that moment, of course you know you will not be able to take it if such things keeps happening. You thought there will be huge quarrel or argument with DinoPapa that night but instead both of you sat down to discuss the next steps to take in a calm manner. Though it was a battle lost but there is still hope.

Months later, you secretly praised yourself for making that decision as things becomes quieter, your spirit felt lighter as a huge chunk of stress were removed from your shoulder, most important thing is that DinoBoy also becomes happier, more responsible and responsive to your requests and demands too. Hey, we won that battle! High five for that!

The other day DinoBoy look at you while you were working on your crochet project and casually said "You are frowning again Mum. Don't frown!". It struck you that frowning seems to be the permanent expression on your face since god knows when, we both know all the stress are reflecting on your face and it has become a habit that you didn't realized you were doing it.

Later that night you sat at the work table thinking back, flashes of the unfortunate, unhappy, tense moments in the past 4 years appeared in your mind and you wonder when will this end. Then you remembered DinoBoy's words. Yes, you have been worrying for the family for far too long, it's time to start living for yourself, time to enjoy life.

Well, I know you will be doubtful about that, of course you can Be Happy! No one is destined to live their life in misery if they choose not too. People says changes require baby steps to start with, I say happiness need no baby steps, you can jump high up in the air at this instant to feel happy immediately.

Still not convinced? Well, you are a Abraham-Hicks believer, you love the phrases they shared and agreed to the words. You've even tried the methods they shared and received positive results, so here's a couple of phrases to you off with.

Yes, look at an issue and instead of finding faults or questioning the "reason" the "why", try looking for a solution. You've done that before last year by pulling DinoBoy out from student care and look at the result today! Need I say more?

You've read 5 Love Languages of Children, you know that by filling up his emotional tank and attending to his love languages you are able to get DinoBoy to respond to your requests much easier. And he loves being praised because it's one of the way he felt assured that he has done right. The more you assured him, the better he will perform. Looking back, he has not been giving us as many heart attacks as before. And let's be frank, you were beaming with joy when you shared with others that he did his homework, assessment book revisions, learning his spelling without us having to nag/scold/yell at him?

And lastly, this... Yes, what done's is past. You have come this far and from what I have shown you above I am confident that you have learn a huge load of things since the last time I wrote. You will be able to tackle every lemons that Life throw at you. Oh ya, where is your Lemonade Empire huh?

From this moment on, I wish you well, I wish you health but I demand you to Go Forth in Joy and Get On with It, live the life in a happier & light hearted tone, TODAY!

Happy Birthday Jenn! I believe that your life experiences will make you stronger in life as you are stretched beyond your comfort level. Your determination and your grit is what Dinoboy will emulate when he sees his mama go through life without quitting. And it's great that he's also reminding not to frown so much. May you find your happiness and fulfillment in life Jenn, and happy birthday once again :)