Now, Old Man Duff was so doggone tough
That they called him dynamite.
On a mattress filled with a lot of bedbugs
He slept so well each night.
Combed his hair with a garden rake,
He ate his vittles raw.
Combed his hair with a garden rake,
And he shaved his beard with a saw.

Chorus: Old Man Duff was doggone tough,
And as rough as a man could be,
Had big flop ears twice as long as a steer’s,
And the hair grew down to his knees.

Old Man Duff had fourteen sons,
But he beat them all to death.
He choked all the cops so doggone hard,
They died from lack of breath.
The sheriff went out to arrest old Duff,
But he made a big mistake.
Old Duff picked him up by the seat of the pants,
And he threw him out in the lake.

(Chorus)

(Mr. Duncan: “Third hemorrhage.”)

Old Man Duff had a daughter fair,
But she died a poor old maid.
A lot of fellows would have went with her,
But they were all afraid.
Duff once caught a fellow with her;
Then they heard him rave and shout,
And he rammed his hand down the poor guy’s throat,
And he turned him inside out.

(Mr. Duncan: “Final spasm.”)

Old Man Duff lived a thousand years,
And when he died, he went below.
Old Saint Nick took a look at him,
And he smiled and he said hello.
The fire was mighty hot, you see,
When they put old Duff in there,
But he laid right down and he went to sleep,
And it never scorched a hair.