Telling what it's like to work on recovering from the effects of alcoholism through Al-Anon

Monday, June 10, 2013

A boundary on drunk dialing

The picnic was a fun time. We had about 15 people, most either in Al-Anon or AA, who ate, talked and strolled around the grounds. The weather cooperated so there wasn't any late afternoon thunderstorms. Everyone left saying that the food was excellent which makes us happy that no one goes away hungry.

It's so good to be able to have friends over and not worry that anyone is going to get drunk, stay until 1 AM, or throw up in the bathroom. And to hear so much laughter and happy talk from a bunch of people who aren't drinking alcohol is remarkable, especially when the social scene in this town seems to mostly revolve around people drinking.

So yesterday, we chilled out. We had plenty of left overs so there was no need to cook anything. We did go out to check on the garden and picked enough blueberries to have them with meals this week. All was going really well until I got the call last night from my recently deceased cousin's wife.

She was drunk and slurring, ranting and screaming into the phone. She had traveled back to their home to spend a couple of days. Somehow my cousin's death notice had gotten on the internet, and a friend had called her to say how sorry he was that R. had died. This made her angry because she now fears that she won't be safe in the house once people know her husband is dead--this being a house that hasn't been lived in for about six years because they were both staying at her mother's house in another part of the state to be near the major medical hospital there. She kept yelling over and over that "No one had the right to put that he had died in the paper or on the internet". I explained that his death notice is part of the public record and couldn't be hidden from people.

N. was also telling me how she had done everything she could for my cousin and didn't think that she was responsible for his death. There was more ranting about his mother and how her shadow person had sucked the life from him. More tears and drunken mumbling. This went on for about 40 minutes during which time I was doing my best to get off the phone with her without being rude. Finally, I told her that I was going to hang up because she needed to get some rest.

I have now decided that I won't answer any more calls from her in the evening. I am hoping that her drunken call was a one time occurrence. I know that she used to drink and party quite a bit before she and my cousin married. She would occasionally get drunk when I would visit them, but over the past 8 years, she has been sober and caring for him. Now that he is gone, I hope that she doesn't start drinking with regularity. It's not my problem, and I plan to keep it that way. Thankfully, she is two states away. No service is planned, so I won't be going up there to visit.

It's strange that I felt angry at myself for listening to her go on and on. I wished that I had told her after about ten minutes that I had to go. Next time, I won't answer. If I do talk to her and she is irrational, I will get off the phone. I sat through one phone call and that's enough. I am sorry that she has lost the love of her life. I feel compassion and sadness about that. But I am done now with the irrational blaming, anger, and drunken mumblings. I cannot have a sensible conversation with a drunk. And I don't have to.

Evidently, drunk dialing has become a problem phenomenon. The New York Times reports:
".......drunk dialing usually limits itself to times long after the close of business and beyond the daily commute. It is in those dark hours of late night and wee hours of early morn, when most people have retired their cellphones for overnight charging, that intoxicated revelers flip open their cellphones and dial into regret."

I have this disease late at night sometimes, involving alcohol and the telephone. I get drunk, and I drive my wife away with breath like mustard gas and roses. And then, speaking gravely and elegantly into the telephone, I ask the telephone operators to connect me with this friend or that one, from whom I have not heard in years.—Kurt Vonnegut

23 comments:

I only had someone drunk call me once. At the time he was a guy I was interested. I didn't know him that well so the phone call was actually just silly ranting that either had me laughing or scratching my head in confusion. I had been told about drunk calls before but that was the first time I had one. Thankfully mine was just silliness and that was it. I remember telling him about it and he said he never remembered. That was kind of a red flag for me. I am kind of glad that intrest never went everwhere.

With that said I am not new to drunken fits and rants however. It was usually in person or I heard my parents fighting, or was in the bar with them when they were ranting at someone else. Like you I wanted to get away but yet I felt trapped. I was a child and couldn't really escape if I wanted too.

The childlike feeling of being present at a horror show and immobile comes to mind. I was paralyzed for a few minutes and then knew after the call went on that I was going to extract myself from the craziness as soon as I could without being rude.

I guess people process grief in different ways. Not only grief but I guess many of the hardships we encounter in life. Guess it is just my limited way of thinking and not being a place others get too, but I don't understand how the answer is something mind altering like alcohol or drugs.

Maybe it is not for me to understand but accept that is seen as a solution for some. Some solution?

Still laughing - - - not at your frustration - - - nor at your cousin-in-law's grief-stricken drunken phone call - - - but at the last quotation in this blog: 'driving wife away with the breath of mustard gas and roses.' Somehow, this really struck me as hilarious.

On the serious side, Syd, you handled a naSty situation very diplomatically; however, only you will probably remember it. You were kind to someone who has that horrible 'disease' and I love you for that. You are right - - - now, leave the danged phone alone for a while. All that could be done has been done.

It is good she thought of you in her lowest time. You were kind when she was needed someone to listen. When you take care of someone that is ill for so long it is like living with alcoholism when they are gone you have no job no identity. You are starting over. Sad.

Grace-WorkinProgress said it pretty well. This poor woman is lost. She has been taking care of her husband for so long, displaced herself into another home for years to help him get better care. Now she is back "home" and alone and doesn't know where to begin. She got drunk once that you know of. It may have been an isolated occasion, or might not. If you feel up for it, try reaching out to her during the daytime sometime and talk to her while she is sober. She might not remember the conversation, but while she is sober anyway you can let her know about your boundaries so she won't attempt to call you next time.

When my boyfriend of many years and I split up, it was burning flames. I had to quit a job to put distance between us, and I was very lost. He was the drinker and the party person, not me. However there was one night when feeling lost and scared I went out. I still remember that unwise choice. It doesn't mean I am/was an alcoholic though. I was just grieving a severe loss, and made a bad choice in my moment of grief. I learned from it for sure, and I moved on and never made those mistakes again.

Nobody's perfect after all.

Now, if you talk to her and she has no regrets for that phone call, then thank her kindly for thinking of you and move on. Don't let her drunk dial you again.

No, I don't know that she has a drinking problem now. But I do know that she had one many years ago--not alcoholic probably but a wild party girl which she admits to being. She is much older now, and I believe too that she is sad and lonely and grieving the loss of her husband. I will talk to her during the day and reach out to her. Right now, I am going to give it a few days.

Wow. That would be a pulse-elevating situation, at least it would be for me. It was kind of you to listen for awhile, but once is enough. And as mentioned already, she may not even remember she did it, or your kindness either. Screening future p.m. calls is a good idea, in my opinion.

I'm sorry you had to go through that Syd. I don't talk to drunks on the phone and remember all too well my own drunken calls to people late at night. I don't recall what I said and was oblivious to what they said. Active alcoholism or drunk dialling is abusive non-communication.

One thing stopped me in my tracks and you might consider this. A friend whom I had called at 2am once called me the next morning and asked me how I felt. I was hungover and full of excuses. He told me how my call had kept him awake much of the night and how angry he had felt, and then he told me never to do that again and to get some help. I was shocked and never called him again. It took me longer to get help.

Your timing of this post was very ironic. I received a similar phone call in the evening right after reading it. My son did not like something I said and then started to yell and scream at me. Angry words were said on both sides. I wish that I had just cut our conversation short and got off the phone.It would have been better than getting into it with him.

As a former drunk dialer, I do not engage drunk people on the phone. It is a complete waste of time, whatever they "process" on the phone is forgotten tomorrow, and you are left with the memory of whatever nonsense they spewed at you. I wish people had told me they had to go to bed or whatever excuse to get off the phone. I had to make many amends for those phone calls when I got sober.

There are people whose phone calls I don't answer after about 6:00 p.m. sadly.

I use to often shut my phone off at 9 in the evening. The last late night call I got was from a county jail. It was my son telling me he wouldn't be making his flight in the morning because he had been picked up on a DUI. Nothing good every comes from late night call in my experience! It sounds like everyone had a good time at your house - that's great. Just once I would love to go to a gathering where there is NO alcohol. It's unheard of where I live. Often I will want to leave sooner than later and not so much because of drunk people but, more so because I am tired of everyone trying to push alcohol on me. People can't seem to except that I choose not to drink and they feel I must have at least one to have a good time. That really angers me. After about the third push of alcohol I just want to leave.