22 December 2011

Classic £40,000 a show Alan Hansen last night on Match of the Day condemning racism in football by using racist language, after orange tinted, fake tanned Gary Lineker asked him whether racism was rife in the modern game and red faced Lee Dixon looked on in horror.

He finished by conceding without a hint of irony that, "there's room for improvement." Not as far as ironic comedy on Match of the Day is concerned though...that was fucking genius.

"No it's not. If you played twenty-five … I think it's better, not only with the players but with the supporters. I think there's a lot of coloured players in all the teams, all the major teams, and there's a lot of coloured players that are probably the best in the Premier League and, as I say, if you look twenty-five, thirty years ago, it was probably in a bad way, not as bad as some of the nations in the Continent, but certainly there's always, always room for improvement." -- Alan Hansen

Lesbians are brilliant aren't they when they're nice looking like these two. I'd say nice looking lesbians shagging are in my top five aesthetically pleasing things along with an open fire, a clear starry night, a rough sea and a bombed out French city.

I still don't really 100% accept that lesbianists are for real. I think it's choice rather than biology. Essentially it's like being a vegetarian, you know like a phase, eventually all of them need some meat.

The only female friend I ever had who went through one of these phases managed about six months before she had to confess she missed cock. Those were her exact words..."I just...I missed cock too much."

She was gasping by the time she finally admitted it to herself and she was quite a big girl too..whoever it was who helped her relieve her frustrations her first time back must have had lungs like a racehorse.

I shouldn't think a natural genetic lesbian would join the Navy. A profession requiring her to spend months on end on a ship with about 300 needy cocks. She might insist she's just trying to make it in a mans world or striking a blow for lesbian sisterhood, but I should think it's more likely she just wants to be drenched in buckets of jizz.

16 December 2011

"Here’s a thing I will say now without hesitation, unqualified and important. The one word that comes to mind when I think of my brother is ‘courage’. By this I don’t mean the lack of fear which some people have, which enables them to do very dangerous or frightening things because they have no idea what it is to be afraid. I mean a courage which overcomes real fear, while actually experiencing it." -- Peter Hitchens

There's a kind of impertinence in mourning someone else's loss. Fannying about on the internet explaining to everyone how saddened you are by the passing of someone you never met or had a conversation with, is a peculiar almost self-indulgent thing. So I hope his family will forgive me if they read my blog, which I'm sure they do else wise where will they learn about sandwiches?, for hi-jacking their loss.

Marco Simmoncelli's death earlier this year genuinely upset me. Very different people, but for the same reasons, Christopher Hitchens' death has also. There are so few people left in this world who are able to think for themselves let alone force other people to think too. Perhaps that's why we describe them as being larger than life, because they lift us above the foggy sluggish tedium of it.

Both men did this in vastly different ways. It is something I admire in people more than anything. Of all the people eulogising over him today I bet I'm the only one comparing him to Marco Simmoncelli.

15 December 2011

13 December 2011

Darren Fletcher has had to take an extended break from the game because he's Scottish and therefore obviously a heroin addict he's got a poorly stomach. Good luck Darren from all of us here at the blog. That can be nasty.

9 December 2011

They're a funny old business emotions aren't they? Do you ever find you're so fucked off you can't even type out a light hearted text message to someone who is completely unconnected with your current mood?

I had occasion recently to be so pissed off I couldn't even tap out a humorous response to a text message. It was just pressing buttons, but I couldn't find it in me to type them out.

I can only think the section of ones brain that stops one from being a miserable bastard to all and sundry instead of just directing ones anger towards the source has become mouldy from staying in too much.

7 December 2011

4 December 2011

Alan Pardew is such an insufferable prat. How does someone so average become so arrogant? As we speak he's trying to insist his team are a "top six outfit" and have proved this by how they have played the last three games.

"Everyone said Newcastle would struggle when they played a decent team," scoffed the appalling cockney twat on Goals on Sunday just now. "Well we've proved the last three games how competitive we are."

Did they 'eck as fook. They had to play both Manchester teams and Chelsea in those three games; they lost 3-1 to City, drew 1-1 with United and lost 3-0 at home to Chelsea.

According to Pardew this is proving everyone wrong and showing how competitive they are? One point from nine, giving up seven goals. One wonders what a thrashing might have looked like if this is being competitive.

That's like saying, "I proved to my wife what a fantastic lover I am by ejaculating after 30 seconds and falling asleep before she'd even had time to wipe the mess off her nightie."

Someone needs to remind him Birmingham were in a similar position to Newcastle at this stage last season. A shit team always does well early on. I still fancy there's enough games left in the season for Newcastle to get relegated.

Hopefully there's enough time also for Pardew to get sacked, lose his house and end up working in a call centre in Dundee with anxious people who should be kept chained to radiators in dank basements.

1 December 2011

I was just now reading about this big bastard! Heaviest insect in the world at 70g they said it was. Wing span of 7 inches. Found in New Zealand's north Island. Wait a minute!.....a fecking wing span?

The smegger can fly???

Jesus Christ why was I not told about this sooner? New Zealand isn't that far away for a creature of that size.

Imagine waking up in the middle of the night and finding one of these circling above your head. You'd need artillery to bring it down. I feel weak. I need to lie down. Barricade yourselves in people, they could be here at any moment.

29 November 2011

Do you watch Dexter? Do you? I do. I loves it. Season 6 is getting mixed reviews but I think it's been briwyant. There's been a twist and everyone thinks it's terrible as it was predictable but I reckon they're being sold a dummy and there's a double twist.

I think it's Louis the intern who's been doing the killings and he wrote the message on Travis' wall with the hand from the Ice Truck Killer case. He's the nasty bastard in all this.

Did you want me to tell you that? Sorry if you haven't seen it yet. Tee hee.

Also, I reckon eventually we'll discover that young Deb has known all along that her brother is a serial killer. I fancy it would be very difficult as an inquisitive child to grow up in a house with a killer and not know about it. For my money she has known all along her brother likes to cut people up into little pieces and may have even become a cop to protect him.

You heard it here first. Now if you'll excuse me my crumpets are ready.

28 November 2011

I hate hate hate the mainstream meeja in this country. Why can't they just report the facts of a story at least once per year? No, everything has to be misquoted, out of context or simply made up.

This of course is because there's no investigative journalism anymore, just merely churnalism - regurgitating quotes - whether there's any truth in them or not.

This Judge Bean dude for example was supposed to have let a feral youth, who had sworn at police, off a £50 fine for his breaching section 5 of the public order act - essentially suggesting according to the newspapers - that it is OK to swear at the police as they hear bad language all the time.

Wrrrrrooooooooong.

Even the Police head cheeses haven't bothered to check the facts of the case. Neither did Boris Johnson, but he's mad.

Here's what happened right. A dude was arrested and gave the police a mouthful of verbals. He was fined £50 for a breach of section 5 of the public order act, which is something like harassing, alarming or distressing people with naughty words and making angry faces.

However, in order for someone to be charged with this offence, the witnesses - in this case the police - have to actually state that they felt harassed, alarmed or distressed. They didn't. They didn't because the prosecutor, who I imagine works in a call centre now, forgot to ask them. D'oh!

It's not enough that the feral youth just said the naughty words - they have to have caused harassment, alarm or distress and it needs to have been recorded that caused these things. Otherwise you could get arrested for merely saying the F word.

The prosecutor didn't bother to ask the police if they felt threatened because he was assuming they had and this is what the Judge's judgement was referring to. He was saying the court can't just assume the police felt harassed because they hear language like that all the time in their line of work and if a policeman swooned or fainted every time they heard the F word there'd be no police force.

There has to be clear evidence of harassment and there wasn't here as it wasn't recorded, so no case. Bad prosecutor, bad reporting, good Judge.

27 November 2011

Very sad about Gary Speed. Even sadder, any compassionate feelings I may have had were immediately crushed by the cynic in me which wondered what sort of scandal he must have been involved in to do something like that out of the clear blue sky?

I'm gonna have a few quid on a tabloid preparing to out him as a whoopsie. Although I shall confess my initial suspicions involved the kind of thing where by computrons are removed for examination.

Not sure what kind of a person this makes me that I haven't been able to summon up even an ounce of sympathy. Probably best not to ask. It's a cracking world we live in.

26 November 2011

I've told myself not to get involved when it comes to wagering on sports and to just steal the advises of people who know better, but having mixed Irish coffee with codeine recently it seems I've had to get involved in Premier League betting and why not?

It appears, although I have very little knowledge of this, that a few days ago I placed an intriguing yankee including four selections from this weekend's fixtures and I think we better discuss them before it's too late.

According to my research which I almost certainly didn't do, QPR of Rangers will win today. Norwich for all of their plaudits from people like Phil Thompson, are actually a toothless outfit floating around like yellow butterflies. Unfortunately unlike Muhammad Ali Norwich float like butterflies and also sting like them too.

QPR of Rangers probably do OK away from home, although I have no statistics to support this, but Loftus Road is a shed so you'd think they'd be happier in anyone else's stadium. And also I hate Delia Smith.

I've also got an inkling that Manchester City will lose this weekend. I'm not convinced by them at all. The Sky Sports Soccer Saturday people make the same mistakes every year when they're sizing up potential Championship winners.

Every year, EVEEEEERY single year a team will manage to separate itself from the pack at the top of the table around this time of year and immediately the trophy is awarded to them. It's always the same; they aren't likely to drop points, their squad is too big, they can add to it in January, no one looks capable of catching them etc etc.

About a month later the nine or ten point gap is two points and the Championship is wide open again. The Sky Sports people all exclaim how they never would have thought it could happen and seem genuinely surprised such a huge points gap could disappear in only a few weeks, despite it happening every season.

Many teams collapse after a long unbeaten run. I fancy they will lose this weekend and then disappear for a month, meanwhile Arsenal will win every game and be top by Christmas. I have seen it, it is so.

My other selections involve overs (3.5) in the Manchester United - Newcastle fixture. I have no idea why I thought that might happen, unless Manchester United win 4-0 it's highly unlikely. Newcastle are so deferential in their approach to this game they may as well just award the three points to Man Utd and stay at home.

My final selection is for the evil of Sperz to beat West Brom. I have no problems at all if I don't enjoy a full return on my investment in this wager.

Michael Owen tells a room full of people about his sex life yesterday.

I haven't seen Football Focus on BBC1 for years, but I have just now seen that Saturday's programme will feature an interview with Michael Owen conducted by Alan Shearer. Haha I'm laughing as I type this.

It is difficult to imagine quite how mind numbingly dull this will be. They could reminisce about how they both had anal sex with a series of French prostitutes during the 1998 World Cup and it would be boring. They could confess to having anal sex with each other in fact and it would still put people to sleep.

This is an interview that could be used as a sedative for people who are about to have major surgery. It's almost worth watching for comedy value actually. I am struggling to think of anyone else with less charisma than these too. I think I'd even rather spend Christmas Day at Willie Thorne's house than spend ten minutes talking Michael Owen or Alan Shearer.

Grrr I have always hated Michael Owen. "STOP BEING SO BORING YOU CUNT" I would shout at the telly whenever he was on. I have to confess I want him dead for being so rich and having such an exciting lifestyle and being so boring. He should by rights, if there was any justice in the world, work for the Department of Work and Pensions. So glad I don't pay the license fee.

24 November 2011

How come there are no coffee creams in Quality Street or Roses tins anymore? They were the best ones. I will have to email in to someone about this. They'll be getting rid of the strawberry ones next. Bastards.

Hooray Thanksgiving. This of course means three NFL games on a Thursday and some stuff about Pilgrims too, but mostly the NFL.

I usually take my NFL advises from an awesome blog which you can find here. This guy really knows his stuff. And as luck would have it, just as I managed to lose a tidy sum by doing my own thinking, this man's biggest bet of the season has come along in the shape of a Baltimore Ravens win against the 49ers.

I was going to paraphrase the write up, but then I thought why bother? What's the point of having a copy and paste facility if you're just going to spend valuable napping time typing stuff out.

It's long but if you're into NFL and wagering it's a must read. So if you're sitting comfortably, we'll being...

OK, here we go... Harbaugh vs. Harbaugh... I probably don't have to write too many words here because the match-up ought to be clear... In many ways these teams are so similar... Great defenses, efficient offenses (except on odd occasions when Cam Cameron forgets to give Ray Rice the football)...

I really don't think the public has seen the TRUE Ravens yet. They've lost 3 games this year to crappy squads (Tennessee, Jax, & Seattle); two of those losses came the week after they played the Steelers.

Most of the reasons for those losses were sleepwalking on offense & costly turnovers (3 vs. Seattle in the RED ZONE, 2 on kickoff returns)... I don't care who you're playing, you just can't hand the other team 17 free points & expect to win in the NFL. Basically the same things happened vs. Tennessee & Jacksonville...

San Francisco is undefeated (save for the overtime loss vs. the Cowboys). Since that's in the back of many people's minds (& with only one loss), the 49ers are being discussed along side the Packers as the best two teams in the NFL right now.

What makes me grin is that the same 'experts' can't even see fit to put the Ravens in the top "3" of just the AFC!!! Most recent I saw was Nick Mangini (ESPN) ranking the Ravens behind the Patriots & Steelers (even though the Ravens beat the Steelers twice already this year, as well as beat the Houston Texans by 15, and annihilated the Jets (whom many consider somewhat neck & neck with the Patriots)...

Whatever...

I understand the 'emotion' of siding with the Steelers or Patriots (but the 'logic' still escapes me)...

Actually, the most dangerous thing for the Ravens would be to put the whammy on San Francisco here on Thanksgiving Night. At that point, it's likely that the Ravens could follow up that victory with losses to the Browns & Colts...

Impressive as the 49ers have been this year, I just don't think that they ought to be compared with (let alone 'elevated above' the status of the Ravens) until they've proven more... A LOT MORE...

A lot of folks have come & gone into M&T Bank Stadium with their shiny little records only to go home with a few more players on the PUP list, another "L" on their resume, and their tails between their legs...

Think it's so easy?...

Nobody... NOBODY... In the Joe Flacco era - west of the Indianapolis Colts (& that was a 'Peyton Manning' led Indianapolis Colts that um went on to play, & were 'favored' over, the New Orleans Saints in the Superbowl) - THOSE Colts barely managed to beat the Ravens (17-15).

The only OTHER teams to beat Baltimore at M&T were the Steelers, TWICE, (both times by a field goal - once, in OT, & both times where Baltimore held 4th quarter leads & BOTH times when the Steelers went on to play in the Superbowl that same year). Also, the division rival Bengals beat them once (17-14) on a TD pass from Carson Palmer to Andre Caldwell with 22 seconds to play.

That's it... That's the BEST 3 Superbowl bound teams were able to manage in Baltimore (an 'overtime' win, a FG win, & a 2 point win).

Most will forget also (BEFORE the Joe Flacco era - when Baltimore had to exist with Kyle FUCKING Boller as QB), that the undefeated New England Patriots (yeah, THOSE 18-1 New England Patriots), barely escaped with their lives in Baltimore late in the season on a winning drive that had the benefit of shady penalty after shady penalty.

Oh, but I'm sure ALL of that past history is just a fluke... I'm SURE the 49ers, who haven't managed a season better than 8-8 in a DECADE, are going to waltz into Baltimore & show the Ravens who is boss... I'll have to look, but it seems to me that the Ravens have more ROAD PLAYOFF WINS during that same span.

Alright look... I don't want to say that the 49ers are bad... They've had a nice season & they're coached well... I'm going to have to go with older brother JOHN here though... It may not be apparent to the fucking HACK TV sportscasters out there, but this is a huge jump in class for the 49ers.

It's one thing to beat up on the Rams, Seahawks, & Cardinals (in your division) twice a year, then have the Cleveland Browns & Tampa Bay Bucs come to town & beat up on them... But it's a whole damn other thing to travel all the way East & play in a prime time game against a team that the PITTSBURGH STEELERS (who as I mentioned before are the team that all these 'expert' sportscasters have as being BETTER than the Ravens)... The STEELERS THEMSELVES know that they have to bring their A+1 game into Baltimore if they hope to win (Didn't work in week 1 when they were smoked 35-7)... Then #2 are the Patriots (according to the same 'experts')... Umm - the Patriots got smoked by the Steelers...

Anyway, if the Steelers are usually 3 point DOGS to the Ravens at M&T... You mean to tell me that the 49ers ought to be 3 point dogs too???... The Steelers have played in 3 Super Bowls (& won 2) since the 49ers even sniffed the playoffs...

Come on Man!

Couldn't have put it better myself. Biggest single bet of the season for me. And why not?

23 November 2011

I know this is old now but I want it on my blog for posterity. What a brilliant name Fenton is for a dog. Originally it was thought the dog's name was Benton, but the bloke is quite posh it seems and Fenton sounds much posher. Benton is a Rottweiller's name or a Pit Bull.

If you haven't seen this yet or don't know anything about it, this is a man caught on video shouting "Jesus Christ" many times trying desperately to retrieve his labrador on Richmond Park who he had let off the lead but went tearing after a herd of wild deer.

18 November 2011

Premier League footballers; when sneaking around behind your girlfriends' back fixing to play nice with wannabe porn stars, don't text her your number on Twitter. Private messages are very rarely private.

Although I have kept his number in the interests of being able to call him a cunt next time he lets an easy goal in, in the interests of sparing our legendary goalkeeper's blushes I have redacted his number here, but of course not everyone will be understanding.

He really must stop trying to shag awful chavs who spell literally "litrally" (see her profile) and adopt a porn star name to further her career. I'm going 10/1 her name is really Letesha.

17 November 2011

Twitter's self-importance reaches new heights with every scandal. Sepp Blatter has casually dismissed racial abuse as something that can forgotten with a handshake.

But while a comment of this nature would instantly require the resignation of a politician in this country, Blatter is essentially a dictator so in the words of a 10 year old, who's gonna make him?

People become dictators so they can say what ever they like and do what ever they like without having to resign. In other words, to dictate. I think that's why they're called dictators.

The progressive sandal wearing Twitterers RTing each other the "BlatterOUT" hashtag will unfortunately not change this. Twitter is a fairly liberal social network, but most people aren't liberal in the real world.

Which is why this is not a big deal in any other country. No one in Spain or Italy for example cares about this. I'm not in fact convinced it's a big deal in this country. I think we are still just as racist in this country as Italians or Spaniards. We have just made a better attempt at hiding it in very public places.

The FA is very pleased with itself over the progress it claims to have made with racist behaviour. But I don't think any real progress has been made in terms of people's attitudes towards racial discrimination.

The people who were racist in the 70s are still racist now and have brought up kids who will also be racist. Usually the people who claim we're not at all as prejudiced as eastern European countries or Italians or Spaniards, or the French or the Senile Swiss community, are fairly well off Guardian readers who don't like in places where racism is obvious.

It's in most pubs though. Most lower league football grounds that don't have quite so much CCTV and most work places. But we're so tangled up with Political Correctness now I'm not even sure if most people can define racism. We know have racist people and sort of reverse racist people who discriminate against white people to show how progressive and liberal they are. People who scream racist whenever any reference to race is made regardless of context.

In real terms and in actual fact, the true ignorance comes from those Twittery people in their open toed sandals and olive oil based diets who seem convinced that Sepp Blatter's comments are exceptional. But they're not. The heat of the moment argument was used by many journalists to explain away John Terry's possible racial abuse.

It's not Blatter's comments that are the real problem per se, it's the response to his comments, or more importantly, the lack of response. So to single out a mental old Swiss (Cough German cough) duffer from a generation who took racial distinctions to never to be forgotten levels is to miss the point.

14 November 2011

This advert, or the original version anyway, is wrong in every way. It's wrong to have Christmas adverts the first week of November of course, but that's been happening now for decades. But it takes wrong to a new level of wrongness for a Christmas advert for a department store to use a song by the Smiths.

A band who are supposed to hate all that Capitalism stuff, but more than that, a band who have been playing on the record player in the room of more teenage suicides than any other band I would think. The song covered in the advert is really about the very opposite of being given a shiny thing as a present for Christmas.

This reminds me in terms of wrongness of the BBC getting the whole country to sing heroin addict Lou Reed's "Perfect Day" at the same time - a song about a man who spends the day shooting up - because they thought it was a feel good song. It would have been cheaper for them and more effective for us had they just given us all heroin.

And finally it's so sooo wrong for women with teeny tiny pea sized brains with emotions as fragile as bone china, following the collapse of their marriages and descent into compulsive chocolate eating, to get all teary eyed over it and point to this advert as the true meaning of Christmas without even a trace of irony.

It makes me hate Christmas just that bit more than last year and resent having just bought an office chair from John Lewis.

13 November 2011

So typical of the footballing Gods to give England a victory just cause I had so conclusively blogged about how they can't win. While we did offer up the caveat of rain for a shock result in England's favour, Spain still absolutely thrashed England and lost 1-0. Silly game.

A less silly game of American football will allow us to stick one in the eye of the footballing Gods today however as the NFL is out of their jurisdiction. We have an interesting game in particular we want to focus on so let's do that now shall we yes?

So then, according to my research the Las Vegas bookies are going 65% 35% on the Lions for this game, yet the handicap is rising in Chicago's favour from -1.5 to -3 (-2.5 in the UK). This tells us of course that Las Vegas wants more money on the Lions.

Why? Why? Well cause Chicago is going to win according to them and who am I to argue with Vegas? My betting expert sausage dog Ralf is telling me the conditions are suited for a Bears win. It's cold and windy. It'll be a game where a field goal may decide the difference and the Lion's kicker is injured. We may see field goal attempts blown miles of course and end up in Pittsburgh. Top quality winter fooootbooowl.

I will also be wagering on the Cowboys and the 49ers - all after the spread - and I was able to include a points win for Manny Pacquiao to conclude our most awesome Sunday Yankee.

12 November 2011

This is a funny old business. England playing Spain at Wembley and Spain only being a touch below even money? I know it's a friendly and of course betting on friendlies is only slightly less an efficient way of burning money than actually setting fire to it, but despite that, it is still England we're talking about here, who are bad, playing at Wembley, which makes them worse, playing Spain, who are good, playing at Wembley, which makes them better.

I can only assume this price is down to the standard English brainless patriot who wears his heart on his sleeve along with some food stains, and has a bet when England play "big" teams, because that's what real fans do, especially at this time of year when we respect the memories of our warriors. And other infantile guff.

Being Mexican when it comes to international football, I didn't get the memo about how a 'flying in the face of facts' bet on the football makes you a real fan, but considering how many England fans do this, there must have been one.

I like the Spain -1 on the handicaps. I don't see how Spain don't score at least three goals in this game. Unless it absolutely pisses down or England are allowed to use weapons, a two goal winning margin for Spain seems the least we can expect. This will be more like a bull fight than a football match. Spain will tease England like eleven matadors and I know only one thing about bull-fighting; don't bet on the bull.

This for me is one of those games where people try and search for a bet that isn't there. There is no value in betting on the home team. England are bloody awful, their manager can't speak a word of the language, everyone hates each other, no one likes international football anyway, and this isn't even a proper international, it's also Saturday and the players will be more focused on which nightclubs they'll be borderline gang raping someone tonight.

9 November 2011

England's FA, I know you read my blog so will you please shut the fuck up about this poppy wearing business. Jeeeezoooos Christ if it means that much to you just wear the damn things against Spain anyway and pay the fine or just cancel the game altogether.

Why are they making such a fuss about this? It's just a symbol..it's not essential these things are worn. There are other ways of remembering and recognising and honouring the dead. It's a fair enough rule. If the England team get to wear poppies then other nations will have to be allowed to honour their war dear in a similar fashion too.

What if some other country wants to drench their team in the blood of their fallen comrades or wear ceremonial swords or something the Japs for example might want to do? Where would it all end?

If it sounds like I'm not taking this too seriously it's because I'm not. How hysterical people get about poppy wearing is just pathetic, depressing navel-gazing. We're at a point now where people wear these poppies not to honour the dead from the World Wars, but just so they can be seen to be honouring the dead. It is epiphenominal (never thought I'd get to use that word) of the syrupy shows of public emotion that have become acceptable.

I think we're at a stage now wear the British Legion might have to end the Poppy wearing tradition as it has completely lost it's gravitas. Wearing a poppy has become an entity in itself rather than a symbol of something.

There should be no obligation to wear one. The people who fought in those wars did so to protect our right to choose. And if people choose not to wear a poppy and pay their respects in other ways then fine. It's also fine if they choose not to pay their respects. The lack of respect comes in not knowing you ought to do one thing or another.

This is a completely empty gesture. The England team won't have any idea what the fuss is about anyway. John Terry for example, will just be keen to get the game over with so he can go out and urinate in someone's drink. And Sepp Blatter is just a senile old duffer who hasn't got even the slightest clue about reality.

If the FA feels so strongly about this, why not leave a poppy on every seat? Too much hassle is why, which means they don't really care about this at all, they just want to be seen to be caring. And cancelling the game would be too expensive.

Like people who travel for miles to leave flowers at the location a small child from Doncaster or some other place was murdered, or furious cro-magnon men chasing after police vans carry convicted paedophiles, these people don't believe they have to actually care about those who have suffered, so long as we think they do.

Squarehead Pius Heinz has won the WSOP main event and with it the $8.5m first prize (which is approximately €13 by the time the exchange rate and Pius' bank has gotten hold of it thanks to Greece) and there are a few things we need to discuss about this victory so let's get to it shall we. Let's not spare the horses.

Now, he seems a pleasant enough chap. But I have to say I am always unnerved, as I think we all are, when individual Germans are successful in sport as it gives the Teutonic collective sinister ideas.

Especially when the final push, as it were, involves defeating an eastern European nation as was the case here when Pius eventually rolled over Martin Staszko from the Czech Republic echoing Hitler's Panzar tank division's inexorable occupation of the Sudetenland in 1938.

OK technically poker isn't a sport and has a tiny audience in Germany compared to football, Ze X-Factor and Strictly Come Schuhplatter, but it's popular enough to ignite that fire of desire to world domination that is inherent in all of the Bosch.

I can only hope that the fact that we're all doomed and on the brink of financial collapse will mean news of Pius' wictory vill go unnoticed as the Germen press, unlike our own, have not been refrained from reporting the coming of a depression that made the one in the 1930's look like a party made up of a physical manifestation of people's spam email - which is essentially what Las Vegas is really.

As for the poker itself, it might be that I'm just a cranky old man, but given how much money these people are playing for and given how taxing on the mind the game can be at that level, I wonder if ESPN, the WSOP people and Harrahs have really thought the way they stage the final table through properly.

For the purposes of TV they have turned it into a massive game show. People in the crowd shouting and cheering, pouring beer over each other they're not supposed to have and composing appalling chants which are neither clever or funny - no surprise these were coming from the Germans and 'mercans.

I'm wondering in fact if the players don't deserve a bit more respect from the organisers than that? I know TV has its demands and really the first thing that is sacrificed when they get involved in sports is the purity of the sport, but I think their modus operandi, their mantra, that loud is good, big is better, is wrong.

You don't need people screaming utterly banal bullshit to create an atmosphere. Tension creates an atmosphere. Total silence can be deafening. Poker creates these things all by itself. Have these people not seen any horror movies?

What I'm saying is, I reckon their approach to broadcasting this specific poker final table with it's near $10m first prize should have been more classy tuxedo wearing deathly silent chess and less something that involves Graham Norton on a Saturday night.

Poker needs thought, it needs concentration, it needs conversation between the players, it needs evil stare downs. This event needs more respect. The game itself can create it's own atmosphere. You don't need to try and artificially create one with twats in silly t-shirts who are only there anyway because they hope their guy will buy them something afterwards.

This is what happens when you give something valuable to children, they ruin it. It's a rule everyone knows just like the one about not running with scissors, although to be fair I'm fine with children running with scissors. I'm fine with them drinking bleach too, but anyway I digress.

Poker has been hijacked by children and they have ruined it. They have turned a beautifully atmospheric, nuanced, complex, analytical game and turned it into a weird subculture, with it's own language, uniform and identifiers.

Unless you're a pasty, sunken-eyed, hooded, computron boffin who hasn't been outside for more than twenty minutes this year, can't drive a car or work an oven but can grind twenty tables at once online for eighteen hours a day, the game is dead to you.

I blame the sandal wearing hummus eaters who insist children should be respected and treated as equals. Bearded sexually dysfunctional liberals who think discipline is oppression and would rather let a delinquent stab them to death and steal their wallet than call the police.

I hark back to the days of David Copperfield, the Empire and fighting wars against tribal armies armed only with bits of wood. An age where children were shoved up chimneys and made to feel lucky about it.

If an urchin had found the temerity to four bet shove his elder light in those days he should be lucky if he escaped with his life. Now he gets $8.5m for it. It's enough to make you weep.

8 November 2011

I wasn't going to blog about this as it's a bit unpleasant, but it's also fascinating so I'm gonna.

Now then, for those that are new to the blog, I canny breath no more due to my having Cystic Fibrosis. So I am connected to an oxygen thingy at all times, even when I just go to the sammich place or make a poo.

Now then, sometimes the nasal cannula I wear slips off at night. If I am asleep at this time this can cause me to feel very breathless or, on occasion, can cause me to actually stop breathing altogether and I wake up gasping as if I've just made love to a large woman.

Now then, this is the fascinating bit; what wakes me up are my dreams. When I'm in this condition my distress becomes manifest in my dreams in the form of really rather nasty death deaths.

For example, I will be drowning, or choking on a sammich. Or on one occasion, an unidentified man will put a pillow over my head. And as I struggle in the dream to free myself, I wake up. It is the struggle and the alarm I feel in the dream that wakes me. Brilliant!

I am then able to replace my nasal cannula when I wake up and return to a state of breathing. While this is obviously unpleasant, I find it also incredibly clever on the part of my brains. I wish I lived in a time when the science boffins had more of an understanding of how our brains work.

That our brains have a subconscious level that remains alert and awake while we sleep to keep us from succumbing in situations like this is very very clever. To be able to alert us via dreams is fantastic stuff. I find it amazing. How does it work though? How how?

How am I aware that I'm not breathing in the sort of corporeal world even though I'm asleep and then able to warn myself by making movie about it and showing it to myself straight away before it's too late?

Our dreams are so mysterious. They are clearly very important. It is for this reason I am alarmed that dream suppressants have been developed and prescribed to people. If I had taken any such medication I'd be a goner.

If any science boffins are reading this I suggest you stop making that kind of medication and focus more on tablets that make you feel like when they give you morphine only without the addictive aide effects.

4 November 2011

Hoorah! It's Friday and while that means nothing to me as time is all but irrelevant as far as I'm concerned, I know for many of my loyal readers it represents sanctity from the soul destroying relentless grind of the working week.

So to kick the weekend off on a high let's enjoy a collection of the Daily Mail's heart warming images of elderly people looking worried half to death about the increasing cost of heating their homes, or being abused in various different settings including NHS hospitals, care homes and out in the street.

Here we see an old crone contemplating topping herselfso she won't be a bother to her family any more.

This sour old bag is shown here all alone in a retirement homewhile her carers watch X-Factor in the staff common room.

Here a defenseless old biddy is subjected to a prolonged verbal assault by some feral youths, which also involved pointing. The photographer arrived just as it was beginning, but didn't intervene as he was unsure who started it.

This mad old coffin dodger gives herself over to the trance inducing fuzzy abandonment of Chlorpomazine.

A knackered old octogenarian turns herself onto her side as shewonders how much longer she'll have to sit in a pile of her own faeces.

This lady is actually being spoon fed the waste from her own urine catheter! A classicold joke all new med students are obliged to carry out when they begin their ward training.

Hilariously this senile old duffer refuses to let her own daughter into her home believing her to be a German spy as the paranoia brought on by her continued use of controversial dementia medication overwhelms her.

2 November 2011

I've just now had a small wager on the final table of the WSOP main event this weekend. It is of course time an English man was successful in this post-Moneymaker era main event and I have therefore invested some of the Queens sovereigns at 12/1 on young Kent native Sam Holden.

I believe young Eoghan O'Dea is chip leader and favourite and in truth we here on the blog don't mind if he wins. We would in fact feel sorry for him in fact if he were to succeed as his $8m prize money will be worth approximately €8 by the time the exchange rate is finished with it thanks to the Germans and Greeks.

What we really would like to avoid is of course a native of the US of States colony to win. Especially I'm afraid to say, young Phil Collins. He appears to be a nice enough chap in himself, but if his cheering section insist again in singing those lines from "In the air tonight" every time he drags in a pot I shall probably wish him to bust out first in a horribly unfortunate circumstance.

31 October 2011

So many times we broke the golden pub quiz golden rules. Never ever ever change your answers.

If you think you know the answer but are in the minority have the courage to jolly well over all everyone.

And of course the most important one of all, get more question correct than every other team.

To take my mind of the horror show final two rounds that did for us yesterday, I have spent this afternoon replacing the sherbet in a batch of Flying Saucers with Movicol for the Trick or Treaters tonight.

So now, a few weeks ago I stumbled upon an NFL blog authored by a sports bettor who, should I ever meet him, will drink for free whenever he is in my company.

His analysis of games is incredible and his selections have won me two bags of sand in the month of October for an initial outlay of £55.

If it wasn't for me fucking my profits up with my own bets I'd have myself a money printing machine.

I'm getting greedy this weekend. No doubt he'll have a rare stinker and I'll lose my monies, but such is this man's forensic analysis of these games I don't care as I'll be sure to make it back again in the remain weeks of the season.

I've placed a Heinz wager this week. We don't expect all six selections to come in but 4/6 is quite possible. We can expect somewhere win the region of one and half bags of sand however should all six of; Tennessee, Houston, St Louis, Baltimore, Miami and Washington - come in.

29 October 2011

Robin van Persie has again won the blog's coveted 'Robin of the day' award and indeed, why not? It wasn't just his typically ruthless finishing that has secured him the award for the 2,300th consecutive day. It wasn't just his technique, his intensity, his leadership and his passion. All of these contributed to his nomination, but what won the award was his sarcastic double Sieg Heil goal celebration towards the Neo-Nazi Chelsea support.

Nicely done sir.

When in Rome: Robin van Persie's Roman salute to theaggrieved Chelsea support after scoring his second goal.

28 October 2011

This is a bit of a funny business. This thing about Kate Middleton of Cambridge the Duchess being Queen ahead of male heirs. You would think that given that the Windsors are a bunch of Germans who own Great Britain purely on the strength of fate, that the usual rules of equality and fairness don't really apply to them.

I mean don't get me wrong, I'm pro-monarchy, I just think that if you're someone who cares about gender discrimination, you're probably meritocratic in which case you would think the very idea of a Royal family in the first place would be anathema to you.

So, rather than focus on who should fairly head these "inbred Teutonic parasites," you ought to be focusing first and foremost on campaigning for a Republic Great Britain no?

Of course, we all know what this is really about. The Queen doesn't want Harry in charge should William die in a Chinnock accident. They know as we all do that Harry hasn't got a drop of Royal blood in his veins and would rather Kate take over as someone that has actually got some Royal fluids in her of some description, than give the country over to that ginger bastard child of an ex-Army officer and that whore who got what was coming to her.

26 October 2011

I just now had a look around various betting accounts to have a look see at any outstanding wagers I might have and came across one I have no memory of ever placing. I can often be found at 2am buying stuff off eBay, so I can only assume this was a similar investment. A 2am pre-bedtime wager to help me dream of bags and bags of your Earth sand.

The wager in question involves the Carling Cup. It's a Trixie. And if I may say so, an optimistic nay foolish trio of selections. For a full return we would require Arsenal, Everton and Stoke all to win in 90 minutes.

Arsenal have sneaked into the next round courtesy of Bolton being useless without the backing of 20,000 screeching de-evolving monkeys urging them on from within that dung smelling cage of a ground they insist is actually a football stadium.

Everton, useless, have to over-come a Chelsea side who seem to have become irksome recently. And like the Hulk, I fancy Everton won't like them when they're angry. Not a very promising selection.

Stoke however, might have a chance as unlike Bolton, they will have the backing of 20,000 screeching de-evolving monkeys urging them on from within their dung smelling cage of a ground they call a football stadium. And Kenny Dalglish is Liverpool's manager.

Stranger things have happened of course, but I shouldn't think I'll reschedule nap time to keep track of these results.

25 October 2011

I'd be walking on sunshine too if I could blow£400 billion and get it all back from the tax payer

Halifax Bank - which fucked about with their customers money, lost it all essentially by playing roulette with it, and then got it all back again from the tax payer and told by the Government to be more careful next time, while doing exactly the same thing again as we speak - has put together a series of the most infuriating blood boilingly condescending adverts which is nothing but a blood chillingly calculated message from Lloyds Banking Group written in the shit scooped from the pants of everyone who has no idea how they're going to feed their kids this month, which says

WE DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU!

And AND...just in case that wasn't cold hearted enough, the tax payer is paying for these adverts too. We're paying Lloyds, to make adverts that mock our poverty. We're paying for them to tell as many of us as possible, during prime time TV, that we are all going to die and they are going to dance on our graves.

Have you seen the other one where they sing "I'll be there"? My Gah how dare they offer themselves up as some sort saviours. A good day for the Halifax is when they've put millions of people in debt for life. Yet they present themselves as some sort of charity rescuing abused animals or caring for the elderly.

I don't recall little Michael Jackson singing anything about I'll be there to repossess your home and put you and your family out onto the streets. I don't recall him mentioning anything about gambling a trillion pounds investing in Greek bonds. How do they seriously have the nerve to make these adverts? You almost have to admire the evil.

And these poor saps in this advert don't even realise it. They think it's company bonding. Especially that stupid woman bobbing and swaying in time with the music....urgh and the utter utter cunt at the end with his fist pumping crescendo. I can only assume he's actually the CEO in disguise and is driving his message home while he reaches a powerful climax in his trousers which cost more than most people's home's that have now been repossessed.

As for the rest of them, the fat gay man, the other gay men, the relatively nice looking blonde, the fat divorcees....you're dead too you stupid fucking morons. You're dead we're all dead. DEAD. Dead.