In February of 2005, Phil Belfiore was teaching his seventh-grade students how to write a parody of the Robert Frost poem “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening.” He liked the sample that he had written for them, so he recorded it on his home answering machine: “Whose phone this is I think you know/I cannot answer it now though/So state your name, be very clear/I’ll call you back when I get home.”

That act would lead to one of the most unusual friendships of his life.

When Phil and his family returned to Maryland from Easter vacation, he listened to his voice messages. One gentleman caller apologized for dialing the wrong number. But, he added, he’d heartily enjoyed the poem (“My little dog must think it queer/To hear my voice when I’m not near/It causes her poor heart to ache/And fills her with a pang of fear”). Phil laughed and thought nothing more of it—until the phone rang a few days later.

“I recognized the voice immediately,” recalls Phil, now 57. “He said that he was sorry to bother me, but he was calling to hear the poem again.”

The two men talked. John, now 73, lived in Cheyenne, Wyoming. It turned out that his brother’s phone number was different from Phil’s by one digit, thus the wrong number. Phil inquired about John’s raspy, hollow voice. Was he feeling OK? Sure, just some heart trouble. Had a bypass.

“Before hanging up, I told him to call back anytime,” recalls Phil. Whether to hear more of the poem (“She gives her tiny tail a shake/As if she knows it’s a mistake/If I were there, she’d get a treat/But since I’m not, a nap she’ll take”) or just to talk.

That was 11 years ago. They’ve spoken on the phone a few times a month ever since.

John initiates most calls, but Phil will ring if a while has passed and he has any reason to worry. “We seem to always connect when there’s been a storm or a big sports event,” Phil says.

The men discuss football and family. John will reminisce about his life or update Phil on folks he has been in touch with. “Slowly over the years, our conversations have grown much more personal,” says Phil. “We talk primarily about John’s health, finances, and love life. Also our relatives, hobbies, and whatever else comes up. Sometimes we just talk for a minute to see how the other is doing.”

“Like old friends?” I prod. I’m trying to understand from Phil what draws these men to each other.

“We are old friends,” Phil says.

No need to overthink it. John, who over 11 years has shared a little of himself at a time, has woven himself into the fabric of Phil’s life.

I call John and find him an engaging storyteller with an exceptional memory. He tells me that as a child visiting Capitol Hill, he had lunch in the Senate dining room with Wyoming’s Frank Barrett, whom he’d recognized in the hallway and charmed. (The senator was on a popular citrus diet and had grapefruit.)

In the years since, John’s 25-year job working for the Veterans Administration provided enough spending money to travel, mostly to visit family and friends. He has been to China, Israel, Turkey, and all 50 states.

Three years ago, 50 people came from far and wide for John’s surprise 70th-birthday lunch. Phil couldn’t make it. They’ve planned to meet twice since, but circumstances conspired against them.

Neither minds this latest “haven’t.” Phil and John haven’t gone to a game together, had a cup of coffee together, or sat on the other’s sofa. Their friendship is based on the simple act of picking up the phone. Two men checking in, talking about football, and maybe sharing stories.

“My best friend is someone I’ve not yet met in person,” says John.

It’s as simple, and as extraordinary, as that.

]]>11 Ways to Move Past a Friendship Fighthttp://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/friendship-fight/
Mon, 28 Nov 2016 12:00:06 +0000http://www.rd.com/?post_type=slideshows&p=2322629 Social Media Mistakes that Can Damage Your Relationshipshttp://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/social-media-mistakes-relationships/
Wed, 23 Nov 2016 11:30:49 +0000http://www.rd.com/?post_type=slideshows&p=233275Here Are 8 Types of Best Friends Every Adult Woman Should Havehttp://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/friends-every-woman-have/
Thu, 17 Nov 2016 12:00:06 +0000http://www.rd.com/?post_type=slideshows&p=232220What’s With the Hype Over Hygge? How to Incorporate This Danish Philosophy into Your Daily Lifehttp://www.rd.com/culture/what-is-hygge/
Thu, 17 Nov 2016 11:00:49 +0000http://www.rd.com/?post_type=slideshows&p=232286Quiz: Santa’s Asking … Have You Been Naughty or Nice This Year?http://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/are-you-naughty-nice-quiz/
Wed, 16 Nov 2016 17:00:55 +0000http://www.rd.com/?p=232329As the year winds to a close, it's time for some introspection. Be honest: Santa will know if you're lying!
]]>]]>This One Magic Phrase Will Stop Gossip in Its Trackshttp://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/stop-gossiping/
Tue, 15 Nov 2016 22:00:37 +0000http://www.rd.com/?p=231962Rumor has it you’re trying to stop badmouthing people.
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Just about everyone gossips, and once you start sharing juicy tidbits, it’s hard to stop.

Psychologists have studied the societal uses of gossip—learning from others’ mistakes, knowing who to avoid, and developing social rules—but there’s no denying that gossip can be just plain hurtful. “Spreading a malicious rumor doesn’t just hurt the subject of the gossip, but it makes the person gossiping look bad in a rude and immature way,” says Sharon Schweitzer, an international etiquette expert and founder of Protocol & Etiquette Worldwide. Talk badly about people too often, and your reputation of being a rumormonger will make others stop trusting you. (Related: These magic phrases will make anyone trust you.)

Resisting the temptation to bring up dubious rumors or badmouthing other people is one thing, but things get trickier when you’re talking to a group of gossips. “Sometimes people start saying something benign, and someone makes a comment that initiates a full-blown gossip session,” says Schweitzer. If your conscience tells you the subjects of the discussion wouldn’t like what they were hearing, it’s time to bring that conversation to a close.

When a friend is launching into an offensive story about someone you know, your best tactic is to ask why they’re telling you, says Schweitzer. That will be their first alert that you’re not happy with the discussion. They’ll probably say they just thought you’d be curious, but you can shut the conversation down by showing you don’t want to talk about it. “Say, ‘I don’t appreciate it—let’s change the subject’ or ‘that’s my friend, and I won’t listen to someone badmouthing them,’” she says.

Try changing the topic to a safer choice, like travel plans or current events. If the person goes back to dishing dirt, your body language can make it clear you don’t want to hear the gossip. Cross your arms, and give a firm—not ugly—look that says you’re not interested, says Schweitzer. “If you are letting them know ‘wow I don’t want to hear this’ and looking around like you want to get out fast, they’re going to get the message,” she says. “You’re not smiling and nodding.”

]]>This Sales Clerk’s Story Will Make You Long for a Small-Town Christmashttp://www.rd.com/true-stories/inspiring/holiday-season-christmas-shopping/
Thu, 10 Nov 2016 18:00:11 +0000http://www.rd.com/?p=229972Like clockwork, this neighbor showed up before closing for his annual Christmas Eve shopping.
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I worked lots of extra hours my first Christmas season as a clerk for Dancer’s, the department store in my small hometown of Wayland, Michigan.

I’d started the job, which paid 85 cents an hour, that summer of 1966 after getting a work permit at age 15. Our neighbor Arnie Wilde was the manager, and I soon learned how to fit shoes, measure and cut cloth, and keep the shelves of shirts and underwear nice and neat.

We closed at 6 p.m. on Christmas Eve, and at 5:55 a local farmer came in to find gifts for his wife. Arnie told me this was a holiday habit of Mr. Johnson’s, and that we’d do our best to take care of him.

I knew Mr. Johnson, whose daughter was in my class and in the band, so I went to help him. We wandered through the sweaters, dresses and skirts, the pretty towels and practical flannel nightgowns. We talked about size and color and what I thought Mrs. Johnson would like. After nearly half an hour of mulling, Mr. Johnson decided on a flannel nightgown with pretty pink fuzzy slippers to match and a piece of jewelry that I’d pointed out to him. I wrapped his gifts and completed the sale, and Arnie and I walked home for dinner.

The next Christmas Eve, like clockwork, Mr. Johnson came in at 5:55. We went through the same process, taking lots of time again to choose and wrap gifts. Tired but happy, Arnie and I headed for home.

By my third Christmas at Dancer’s, I was an experienced salesclerk. Mrs. Johnson had come into the store in late summer to buy school clothes for the kids, and we visited while I helped her shop. As she commented on pretty colors and the lovely way a dress was made, I made mental notes.

When Mr. Johnson made his last-minute appearance on Christmas Eve, I was ready. I told him, “Mrs. Johnson was in not too long ago, and I noticed how much she liked this royal blue sweater and the plaid skirt that goes with it so beautifully.”

She’d also told me that she really needed new boots, confiding that she was ashamed to walk into church with her old ones.

I’d found some perfect boots in her size and had put them aside for Christmas Eve. Well, Mr. Johnson was impressed, and I think more than a little relieved. We had him out the door by 6:10 with everything wrapped in paper and ribbons!

I worked for Arnie three more holiday seasons and was always there just before closing on Christmas Eve, when Mr. Johnson knew I had the answers he needed. The big stores in Grand Rapids had more merchandise and lovely Christmas fantasies in their windows, but it’s only in a small town that neighbors take care of neighbors.

]]>These Are the 2 Words Never to Say to Someone Going Through a Crisishttp://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/crisis-support/
Mon, 07 Nov 2016 21:00:05 +0000http://www.rd.com/?p=229753What you don't say is as important as what you do say.
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When a friend approaches you in the heat of a moment, it can be hard to know what to say. There’s no blanket approach for every person through every crisis, but a few guidelines could help you offer the best support.

Friends going through a crisis often just need someone to vent to and explore their feelings with, but the trick is to listen without sounding like you’re judging. Reframe “why” questions, which can imply you’re questioning their judgment, says Nancy Lublin, CEO of Crisis Text Line, a support line that connects those in a crisis to a counselor via text. “‘Why’ questions are kind of judgy and seem patronizing, but ‘how’ and ‘what’ questions, and ‘who’ and ‘when’ seem genuinely caring and inquisitive,” she says. For instance, ask loved ones how they felt about an experience, rather than why they felt that way.

Open-ended questions that can’t be answered with a “yes” or “no” will also help friends dig in to their deepest feelings during a crisis. While your loved ones talk through their replies, practice active listening by focusing on their answers—not distracting yourself by listening for a break or thinking about how to respond, says Michelle Kuchuk, director of training for Crisis Text Line. “Traditionally, we listen for our own agenda—not in a cruel way, but it’s human nature,” she says. “Part of the beauty of active listening is it’s preventive and takes pressure off someone struggling with something, and is not necessarily ever going to fix a problem.” After all, your friends probably just need someone to listen and validate them, rather than hearing you offer potentially unhelpful advice. (Related: This is what good listeners do in conversations.)

When you do respond, avoid telling friends in crisis how they “should” be feeling. For instance, telling loved ones that they should feel strong when they’re feeling weak and ashamed could suggest those low moments aren’t acceptable. “‘Should’ is an invalidation, saying it’s not OK for you to feel these societally ‘weak’ feelings,” says Kuchuk. “If you’re only hearing ‘you should feel great,’ you’re never going to speak the truth again or get that weight off your chest if you think other people will judge you.” (Related: Here are more “helpful” words you should erase from your vocabulary.)

On the other hand, tying those positive feelings to a specific action can feel more genuine. If friends hear “you’re so strong” without an example to back it up, they might never believe it. But if they’ve been explaining how hard it was to talk to someone else, praise them for taking that brave step. “People say, ‘you’re strong and brave,’ but if you don’t feel that way at all and it’s not specific, it can feel really general,” says Kuchuk. “Make sure those words aren’t disingenuous and they’re based on something you can observe and see.” Praising friends on a smart decision or commenting on how proud they sound reaffirms their strength so they can discover how those coping skills help during a crisis, says Lublin.

Mirroring your friends’ emotions can also help prove you’re there to listen without judgment. Just don’t use the same words your friends do, or it will feel like you’re just repeating what they said. “Give a word back in response that’s one level deeper. If they say ‘I had a bad day,’ I’ll say, ‘I’m sorry your day was so rough,’” says Lublin. “It’s a way of showing you really swallowed what they had to say.”

Ultimately, it’s more important for a friend to know you’re there for support than stressing about saying the right thing during a crisis. “If you’re trying to be a therapist or counselor, it can feel uncomfortable for a friend going through something,” says Kuchuk. “Just be a friend and really listen to that person, not with your own agenda but ‘what is this person really going through?’”

]]>7 Signs Your Friend Is Actually a Frenemyhttp://www.rd.com/advice/relationships/frenemy-signs/
Mon, 17 Oct 2016 17:00:05 +0000http://www.rd.com/?post_type=slideshows&p=226260Friends are supposed to build you up, not knock you down. These red flags will help you spot the so-called pals that could be more toxic than true.
]]>Friends are supposed to build you up, not knock you down. These red flags will help you spot the so-called pals that could be more toxic than true.
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