Commentary on lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender issues in sport from a long-time educator and advocate for social justice in sports. I am also author of Strong Women, Deep Closets: Lesbians and Homophobia in Sport. The opinions expressed in this blog are solely mine and do not necessarily reflect those of any organization with which I am affiliated.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Seattle - Last week a mother attending a Seattle Mariners game at Safeco Field had an apparent attack of “Lesbian Public Display of Affection Hypersensitivity Disorder” (LPDAHD) when she witnessed two lesbian fans “kissing and groping” (her description) in the stands. Her attack led her to complain to a Mariners “seating host” about the PDA that brought on her attack because she said she did not know how to explain it to her son who was also at the game. I should explain here that one of the most common side effects of LPDAHD is disorientation that results in a sudden inability to answer children’s questions about why on earth two people would kiss in public.

Unfortunately the “seating host” was also a LPDAHD sufferer who immediately sought relief by telling the offending sapphites to stop kissing because their untoward behavior was bringing on allergic reactions from other fans who struggle with LPDAHD. Imagine the outrage when the lesbians were insensitive enough to insist that, a) the PDA was only a “peck on the check” not “groping,” b) many other heterosexual couples at the game were engaging in similar public displays of affection and they were not asked to stop, and c) they would not stop even though their behavior was causing emotional distress for the lesbian-challenged mom.

A recent study by a respected medical doctor shows that LPDAHD sufferers have a tendency to amplify or exaggerate their perceptions of PDAs when they witness these activities among women. This doctor has developed the “PDA Conversion Scale” to help LPDAHD sufferers understand their warped perceptions when in the throes of a full blown LPDAHD attack. I present it here for you now:

Two lesbians sitting close together = A heterosexual couple holding hands

Two lesbians pecking each other on the cheek = A heterosexual couple tonsil ticklingwith their tongues

Two lesbians with their arms around each other = A heterosexual couple groping and fondling

Two lesbians kissing passionately = A heterosexual couple having sex in public

It is commonly understood by many medical authorities that attendance at athletic contests is likely to precipitate another more prevalent anxiety disorder, Homophobic Tourette’s Syndrome (HTS). HTS is more common among heterosexual men and is likely related to testosterone poisoning which is brought on by being in close proximity to large groups of other heterosexual men, such as is the case at athletic contests. Sufferers of HTS are prone to blurting out words like “homo” or “faggot” at sporting events when referring to members of the opposing team.

Whereas LPDAHD has been considered serious enough that the lesbian PDAs provoking the onset of LPDAHD at sports arenas must be stopped immediately, HTS is generally more tolerated by other fans and sports arena personnel and no known cure exists.

The next time you are attending a sporting event and find yourself hyperventilating at the sight of two lesbians kissing or holding hands, maybe you should ask your doctor if “Get a Life” is right for you.