You keep talking shit about Best Korea and the BRILLIANT COMRADE gonna fuck you punks up yo.

How you like we do to tha Shenzen special economic zone what we be doing to those muthafucking NIGHT ELVES be all fucking with our shit, huh. Cos we gonna do that you don’t stop talking shit about us yo.

And then the Chump Corea newspaper Chosun Ilbogoes and fucks shit up by reporting about the porn stash we got going up here in the North.

Give a nigga a break, yo. I’s living a very stressful life.

I mean, what if my old man finds my stash? Big Ass Ebony Hunniez Volume 48 ain’t exactly juche-orientated democratic-proletarian culture to uplift the masses, you know. It sure be uplifting Jong-Un Junior if you know what I mean.

So fuck you, Chosun Ilbo. Why can’t you stick to reporting about sensible shit that actually gonna matter to a nigga – like your story about tha “human torpedoes” that we be apparently developing to blow your shit up with.

I rang all the military chumps I know and they don’t know nothing about that shit. Some of them thought it was a good idea, though. Major Choe thinks that nigga in the photo looks a bit like his room mate from his first year at the Kim Il-Sung Military Academy, except that nigga got posted to a diplomatic mission in Pakistan. And you know what that means, right? Yeah, he growing weed.

That’s right, they be hosting tha G20 summit in Seoul. That’s tha meeting of the leaders of the 19 wealthiest and most influential playas in tha world.

Plus Ausfalia.

Guess who ain’t invited, yo?

That’s right, the Fresh Prince of Pyongyang.

And that be suiting me just fine, yo. Fuck those chump ass Mexican Koreans and fuck all y’all Round Eyes chumps. Your parties suck ass, man. I be hearing there gonna be a half a million cops there, yo. Man, fuck tha police, yo. You can’t party with a half million pigs on your case. Fuck that shit, amirite?

I got a better idea, yo.

How about I just nuke those chumps?

Fuck you Obama, you’ve fucked with my shit one too many times. Fuck you, Zhou Xiaochuan, governor of the People’s Bank of China. I’ll teach you to deny me an overdraft the night before a big ass date with four Cambodian hookers. Fuck you, Geithner you sanction-loving punk ass nerd, enjoy 20 million mega-tonnes you fag.

And fuck you, Saudi Finance Minister Ibrahim bin Abdulaziz bin Abdullah Al-Assaf, I know you been telling Kim Kardashian not to return my calls. And I know Saud al-Faisal been telling her not to friend me on MySpace – you think you can get away with that you fucking sandnigga punk? I know You hairy ass sandniggaz are all in it together. Fuck all y’all, yo.

Quit getting in the way of me fucking my cousin Kim Kardashian, you Saudi punks!!!

So check it. If I get 1000 friends hit me up on MySpace by November 12 when that punk ass meeting be starting, yo, I’m gonna nuke that joint all to shit.

So once again tha J to tha K to tha muthafucking U gotta come at choo with some pissed off shit, yo.

So once again chump ass niggas be getting all up in a niggaz shit, where they got no right poking they chump ass nigga noses, yo.

I’s talking about Yongbyon, y’all.

Pussy ass southerners and the Round Eyes be all pissing themselves because we doing a little building work at the nuclear complex.

So fucking what, amirite?

I mean, they be pretending like WMDs ain’t the birthrite of the mighty Korean nation, yo. They saying that cos I is so young I gotta restart the nuke joint just to get my props. Fucking dumb asses don’t know I got mad props and big love from all my Choson niggaz already, yo. They don’t even know that it ain’t about a muthafuckas age, but about the joint he bringing. Check my nigga Soulja Boy. Or you wanna go old skool, my nigga Bow Wow.

In any case, all those niggaz be way off this time, yo. It ain’t like that at all.

Come here, yo. I got some big ass news to share with you all.

You wanna know what the ruckus up at Yongbyon really about, yo? Check it:

That’s right. The Fresh Prince of Pyongyang is starting a record company.

Yongbyong gonna be like my Paisley Park if y’all are loving on the old Prince – yo check it, he short enough to be from North Korea ha ha.

We making a recording studio up there and a pool house like tha old skool Fresh Prince used to live in in Cali and we be making a bball court and a nightclub.

Should all be ready next summer. We gonna kick that muthafucka off something feirce, yo. Be the party of the 2010s, y’all.

So chillax, bitches. Yongbyon my dealio and the J-Unit got it all in hand, yo.

Check it. Tha A to tha C to tha little ass d and tha B be some kind of foreign representative of the Culture Ministry. He run this punk ass crew called the Korean Friendship Association in Spain. They organize tours for tha Round Eyes and shit and tell the world about the Juche ideal and how it be all ideal and shit and all the shit they be talking about tha D to tha P to tha R to tha K be all make believe and shit.

So basically he do all the chump ass shit that no one in the Master Race wanna do, yo.

And check it: we don’t even pay tha nigga. We just throw some scrawny ass hookers his way from time to time and make sure he got plenty of skratchy ass Mao suits and Kim Il-Sung badges and that nigga be good to go.

Funny thing is, he believing pretty much anything we saying to him. He believe shit that none of us even believe – and we be tha niggas that make it all up to begin with.

He say he wanna be a “soldier for Kim Jong-Il” and shit.

Maaaaaan. Most of my homies are for real “soldiers for Kim Jong-Il”. Lemme tell you man, it ain’t as much fun as he be making out, yo.

So there be a lot of suspicion about this nigga in the corridors of Choson Power. Also in the State Ministry for Gas & Water Supplies. Some people thinking he just some crazy nigga to be all loving on the DPRK. Some doctor said that it was a case of Yellow Fever that went all crazy ass. Like he just be digging on skinny ass bug chicks but somehow it all go messed up with fidelity to the revolutionary line of Kim Il-Sung and Kim Jong-Il or some shit.

Me, I just wish that Round Eye nigga wouldn’t clap and cheer so loudly at Party meetings.

For real. He be hollering so loud at that Extraordinary meeting we had that I could hear him from down the front from where he be sitting in the cheap ass round eyes seats way up the back.

You know what else I hate about the chump? The way he always posing and walking around like he some action figure. Check it:

He thinks he’s Buzz Lightyear or something.

And I hate the way the Old Man be all loving on him and shit. He be saying to me all the fucking time, “why can’t you be a faithful soldier of Kim Jong-Il like Alejandro?”

That shit’s for chumps, man.

He be all like, “Alejandro would never have endangered the security of our Peoples Republic’s counterfitting operations by ordering the printing houses to make up phoney US $69 dollar bills and then release them on the black market in Hong Kong strip clubs. Alejandro wouldn’t have gotten drunk and spewed up in Kim Dae-Jung’s limosine and endangered historic diplomatic talks. Alejandro wouldn’t sleep until noon every day. Alejandro wouldn’t contract dengue fever from screwing around with Burmese street hoes on a trade mission to Vietnam.”

Man. Some times I think the Old Man wishes that Alejandro was his son.

That gets me all hurt inside and shit.

I think I’m gonna plant a bag full of fake US dollars and a US passport in that niggas apartment when he’s next back in town. Let’s see how Mr Faithful Soldier explains that shit, yo…

But for real. To the delegates from the Communist Party of Great Britain (Marxist-Leninist) who be visiting us, this is my message:

Fuck all y’all cheap ass Round Eye lily white muthafuckas.

For real. Major Choe and me be working on this Chuseok weekend to greet these niggas, yo. Part of my ascendancy to the throne of this here Gangstas Workers Paradise. What a waste of time.

First of all. Why y’all so old, yo? I dig Round Eyes bitches, but you all just a bunch of old men.

Second of all. We all know the Korean Workers Party be the shizzle, yo. We all know the Old Man be the vanguard of the international proletariat, yo. We all know the DPRK struggle be the struggle of every freedom-loving muthafucka in the world, yo. We all know the North Korean path be the British path, yo. So why you gotta keep ragging on about it, yo?

Save the fucking speeches for someone who gives a shit, amiright?

Worst of all. When you bring gifts, bring a nigga something he actually want, yo. Like the new Flo Rida joint. Or a copy of Zoo magazine with those big titted British bitches in it.

What you bring me? A signed copy of Billy Bragg’s new CD.

I be like, who the fuck this nigga, yo?

And they be like, “the voice of the labouring masses of the British People (Marxist-Leninist)”.

Nigga, wot?

If this be the voice of the British people, I’m glad I can’t understand nothing the nigga be saying.

So you be all like, what else they bring J-Unit?

That’s just it, yo.

Nothing.

For real. They come all this way to give props to the KWP and the Old Man and the J-Unit and they don’t come with nothing but some shit CD.

So my nigga Woo-Sung who writes for the Central News Agency be saying to me afterwards when we be smoking up to calm down, “how I gonna write this, yo?”

So I say, “well, we can’t go insulting their lily white asses. That not be diplomatic. Just say they gave us a gift, but don’t write about how shit it was. Say I gave it to the Old Man or whatever.”