SOMETHING ELSE, Not This, Not Now

Today is supremely painful. My soul hurts. One of those days when nothing seems right; or if it does, not for very long. My regular pattern is off.Dreams lingered without message; the beginning of the day felt awkward. My yoga practice was OK- but did not transport me as it so often can. The discipline of meditation was just that – the discipline. Routine that usually reassures was work, not framework.I hurt.

I reached out to find comfort; checking on line for what my peeps are doing in the field of yoga and recovery. This normally lifts me up. My heart hurts so much today that all I see is an example of what I am NOT doing.My ego fills my eyes.I am watching myself be in pain, in discomfort, out of balance. I say to myself – “this is me brushing my hair from my face.” I am not in my body. I am DIS-INTEGRATING. This is not good for me. I yearn to be whole again.

I send in the “second arrow”. I think to myself “I SHOULDN’T FEEL LIKE THIS.” Deny the feelings; not recommended but the instinct for survival. Hold me! Hold me UP! That is what I feel like shouting.

What I do, what I do with my time and energy, how I want to be in the world seems insufficient. I want to be something else, do something else, FEEL SOMETHING ELSE. But not this, not that, not that now.

I turn on the radio, the station bothers me. I try another. That is wrong, too. Turn it off. Pick up a book, no good. Reach for another. Same thing. No food fills. No song thrills.If everything seems wrong I know it is me.Even knowing that is no help.

I am usually so strong, the one who holds compassionate space: giving permission to the true feelings of the moment. But NOT NOW! Now I need the support, and I don’t know how to ask so that people will hear me.Depression could lead to emotional relapse. You often don’t see depression coming. It woke up with me today. No why. No where for. Nothing happened. It comes out of the blue – making me blue. My vision is skewed.Joy for others appears as sorrow for self. The poison of toxic thinking. I am not imune.

One foot in front of the other. This too shall pass. Reach out to others. Write. Cry. Then get to a meeting. Even if it is “lousy” one. I whisper to myself “be where you are”.

Kyczy Hawk E-RYT200 is the author of “Yoga and the Twelve Step Path”, a leader of Y12SR classes, and the creator of SOAR(tm) (Success Over Addiction and Relapse) a teacher certification training she holds with her good friend Kent Bond E-RYT500. Find out more about her, her classes and the training at www.yogarecovery.com