Cousin Bucket’s Guide to Surviving Apocalypse Sandy

This was a piece Brian prepped for Man Cave Daily. Didn’t get to make edits and run it in time with other content queued ahead. Given the extent of its damage, running it now might be a little inappropriate. Sure, prior to all that guaranteed destruction, we could make jokes there, but once that threat became real, running it from a CBS site just seems a little mocking. Anyway, here on Bankshot the humor’s a little darker and the setting’s more intimate, so here it is, just you and us, ain’t meaning no harm.

As almost everyone knows, the eastern seaboard is getting hammered by Hurricane Sandy right now. If this is the first you’ve heard of this, please, please call your family right now, and go visit the news website of your choice. There’s some serious shenanigans going down and this is one of the few times your attention shouldn’t be on those lovely ladies to the right.

As a public service, Man Cave Daily wanted to remind everyone of a few helpful ways to stay safe and prepared for the storm. All you need to do is follow these handy rules, have a nice cup of tea, and wait for this whole thing to blow over.

Rule #6: Ziploc Bags

One of the biggest issues you’ll face during any emergency is making sure your food stays fresh. Our advice? Fill up a couple of gallon-sized Ziploc Bags with water and freeze them. If you lose power, you’ll have a supply of ice cold blocks to keep your food fresh for awhile longer. When it melts? Potable water! Just like that! Prep time only take you a couple of minutes, but this move could pay huge dividends in the long run. After all, in an emergency, you’ve got enough problems. Fresh food shouldn’t be one of them.

Rule #5:The Buddy System

During any emergency, it’s recommended that you touch base with your friends and family to make sure they know you’re safe and sound. If possible, check in with your neighbors to make sure they’re all right. It’s herd instinct, you know? We’ve got to make sure we’ve got each others’ back. For instance, the guy at my bodega promised he’d check in with me after the storm hit, and I promised to do the same. Weird thing, though. Not only does his store appear to be closed, but there’s a big board nailed in front of his door. I know we’re expecting wind and rain, but I don’t know. That seems excessive.

Rule #4: Shake it Off

Listen, the next few days are going to be different than your usual schedule. We could be without power, water, or transportation for several days. We’ll all have to learn to cope with a different set of circumstances. But remember, it’ll be over soon! So keep your chin up and shake it off. Take those guys outside, for instance. Here we are at the precipice of the “end of the world” and they’re just sauntering along at a casual pace like it’s no big….

…is that blood?

Rule #3: Always Carry a Change of Underwear

Ohhhhhhh-kay ok ok ok ok so there’s this storm coming but there are definitely two guys COVERED IN BLOOD at my front door but that’s all right I’ll just call the police on my ph-

Heh. Ha. HAHA! The phone’s not working! I’m sure it’s just the wind impacting…the satellites? Is that how science works? Anyway. I’m sure they’re just drunk or something. Yeah. They got drunk and spilled cheap bloody marys from one of those trashy boozy brunches. That’s what happened! But, no big deal. My door is locked and they’ll have to seek shelter from the storm soon, right? Haha, well sir, no coming in here! No way. Safe and sound from uhhh…those slow moving fellows with what absolutely looks like authentic blood. And the wind and rain and stuff. But it’s ok. I mean, can I just say one thing? I’m not going say “chin up” or “keep calm and carry on.” And I’m not going to bombard you with cliches. But what I will say is this: It’s not the end of the world. Just some drunks about to get caught in the rain.

Rule #2: Cardio

ok running while typing this on my phon so bear with me

turns out those slow bloody guys are WAYY STRONGER THEN you d think and they tore my door down so fo,r any emergency make SURE YOU ARE IN GOOD SHAPE I sadly am not and this run isn’t going so well remind me to wo

holy hell they’re all out here

Rule #1: When In Doubt Know Your Way Out

During any emergency, you should have an emergency evacuation route planned out well in advance. If said route happens to stop by a place that sells, I don’t know, an umbrella and some shotgun shells, that’s probably ok. Also, gauze to patch up this nasty scratch that I think I got from one of them.

Sadly, I did not plan out an evacuation route. I’m currently hiding in a trashy British pub with some antique looking guns on the walls that, you know, I’m hoping I’m not going to have to use. In the meantime, I’m going to have a cold pint and wait for this all to blow over.

So, to review, run for your life, abandon all hope, and know that all the people you love have probably turned into incredibly strong, slow-moving cannibals who are nothing more than a husk of their former selves. In conclusion, we’re all doomed, and have a nice day.