One mom's journey through life, love, and loss.

June 12, 2018

I haven’t been writing very much the last while. I think it’s because I’ve been feeling good and feeling like I don’t have much to say. It’s a weird feeling to say the least. It isn’t that I feel like this is a place I can only talk about the tough stuff, I just really feel like its been a boring stretch of life and nothing extra ordinary is happening. I’ve been keeping myself very busy getting ready for Aunty Rayleen’s wedding. Baking cupcakes, painting a window, writing on said window to make a menu, getting stuff ready to take up to the wedding. A few surprises up my sleeve for Aunty Rayleen, just because she’s been so good to us. She’s been so strong for your Mama, she deserves all of the help I can give her. I have so much fun doing this stuff and so much love for your Aunty Ray, that this is perfect! I feel pulled to do things for her lately – you know anything about why, baby girl? I bet you do!

I had a good day today. It started with a session with my therapist and she told me something so powerful that made perfect sense to me. It helped me feel more acceptance of our situation. We were talking about believing in a plan. Believing that when we are born we are given our start date, our life is set out before us already that day, and we are given an end. We never know when it will come but looking back on your short life I feel comfort knowing that it was all planned. That as much as I wish I could change things, it happened just the way it was supposed to. It’s oddly comforting, and what Nicole said comforted me even more. She told me, “Some people believe that we agree on our journeys before we are born. That our souls know before they are given to our human form what they are going to earth to do.” Wow. That really made Mama think. Not only that your journey was set but that maybe, just maybe your soul new life would be short but still chose Mama and Daddy to spend that time with. That Mama and Daddies souls knew what they were getting into as well. That Mama and Daddy were truly meant for this journey. That the three of us were meant to be together beyond a shadow of a doubt, and our souls knew that before any of us were even born. Kinda cool, right? You are probably up there in the clouds yelling “Yeah, Mommy!” and probably laughing your little head off.

It felt so good to hear that and to come to that realization today. The acceptance part of this journey is hard, it is scary. Accepting this feels sometimes like you might slip away. I’ve been learning that it’s not that at all though. Accepting this means that I can maybe move away from the pain and still move closer to you. Accept the terrible things and look forward to doing great, good things to honor you. You have a big future, even though you can’t physically be here, your name will live on. Mama has great big, huge ideas that I’m working out in my head right now, to do in honor of you. I have no idea where to start, but as always you will guide me. These things take time but one day the whole world will know your name. That I will promise you!

I miss you everyday, little pumpkin. I hope you are having fun up there. Is it fun to be up there? Is everybody happy? Are you happy? I’m sure you are. I heard another thing this week that really hit me in the heart. “Everyday is one day closer to when I get to see you again. That doesn’t mean I want to die, it means that I am going to live my life to the absolute fullest that I can. I’m going to go on and live for you. Then one day, I’m going to leave this world and you will be there in the next waiting for me. After all the teaching I did for you, it will be your turn to teach me how to be an angel. That one day you will tell mom how good life is up there and one day I will get to have my heart to heart with god. I might yell a little, but you’ll be by my side to tell me to “Mommy, ‘marten up!” We will talk with God, and maybe I will get to understand life, the before, the in-between, and the after. The good, the bad, and the overly frustrating!

I love you, little Turkey Bird – Man I wish I could hear you say “My not a Turkey Burd” one last time! One day soon, one day soon.