Reading Rainbow – encourages children to read books but never has an episode about The Art of the Deal. Sad!

Planned Parenthood – who needs to plan parenthood? Just grab ‘em by the pussy and whatever happens, happens. (Always have a rock-solid pre-nup though, since women are always after your money.)

The Shriners – Anti-American tiny cars. When did America stop winning? When we stopped having big cars. Also, those things don’t run on coal so they’re destroying American jobs!

4-H Club – Animal husbandry, are you kidding me? Marriage is supposed to be between one man and one woman, then another woman whenever he wants to switch things up.

The Democrats – Losers. Always whining about how they won the popular vote. Since when is being President a popularity contest? By the way, they didn’t actually win the popular vote, I did. If I’d wanted to win the popular vote I would have done it. Next time I will, believe me. Looking to beat Stalin’s record of 99.9% in 2020!

Lots of people have said it much better than I ever could, and in many different ways, but Batman vs Superman was a really, really, epically horrible movie.

I could talk at length about why this is the case, but for brevity’s sake, I’ll just offer reason #3182:

You know what the most unbelievable thing about Batman vs Superman is?

It’s not that Superman’s bulletproof or can shoot laser beams out of his eyes.

It’s not the idea that Perry White is the editor-in-chief of a major newspaper but is sending Clark Kent to cover a local football team.

Those are nitpicky criticisms of poor writing or the absurdity of fantasy. I can suspend my disbelief about the laser beams.

It’s the notion that the United States would convene a Senate hearing on the deaths of innocent civilians in a third world country in order to bring Superman to justice. American soldiers kill civilians all over the world without a second thought from the vast majority of Americans. Zack Snyder presents a righteous vision of America that would only be familiar to the most blindly patriotic Republicans, and doesn’t exist in reality. It’s a vision of an America that puts itself out into the world in order to do the right thing every time, and is always looking out for the little guy. In reality the United States does exactly what Superman does: drops into volatile situations it doesn’t understand, throws its muscle around, protects a narrow version of American interests, and leaves without any concern for the chaos, destruction, and death it’s left behind.

Sports are integral to the American experience. Baseball is famously “America’s pastime” and the Super Bowl is the biggest game in the world. Basketball, though invented by a Canadian, is a quintessentially American game that is rapidly expanding across the globe. And as much as Canadians will tell you that hockey defines our national identity, there are far more NHL teams in the United States than in Canada, and they’ve had much more success than Canadian teams over the last twenty years.

Many pundits divide America into Red and Blue states, but if there’s one thing Americans can agree on, it’s their love of sports. It crosses all boundaries: class, race, geography. Or does it? It’s interesting to take a look at the distribution of major league sports teams in the United States, and what it may mean for the country.

The “Big Four” sports are generally agreed upon to be Baseball, Football, Basketball, and Hockey (even though college football or basketball are arguably bigger draws than hockey). These are the biggest professional leagues in America. There are 113 major league teams in the United States divided between these four sports, an average of more than two teams per state. But would it surprise you to know that all of these 113 teams are located in just 25 states, plus the District of Columbia? It’s true, which means fully half the states have no major sports team whatsoever. The concentration of teams in larger markets is well-known, but the fact that there aren’t more outliers dotted around the country in smaller population centres means that many Americans don’t have a local team to root for, in any sport. As a proud Montanan baseball fan, which team do you support? The closest teams are in Seattle, Colorado, or Minnesota, not even in neighbouring states. Here are the 25 states that have no major league sports teams:

New Mexico

Maine

New Hampshire

Vermont

Alaska

Hawaii

Connecticut

Rhode Island

Delaware

Virginia

West Virginia

South Carolina

Kentucky

Alabama

Mississippi

Nebraska

Iowa

Arkansas

Kansas

North Dakota

South Dakota

Wyoming

Montana

Idaho

Nevada

You might say that the divide between have and have-not states looks fair, being split 50/50, but look even further. Of the 113 major league teams, fully 48 of them are based in just five states: New York, Pennsylvania, Florida, California, and Texas. But here’s where it gets interesting from a political perspective: only 36 teams reside in states that vote predominantly Republican. And of the 25 states that have no teams whatsoever, 15 of them–or 60%–are Republican strongholds. Just 15 states hold 77 of the nation’s major teams… and those states vote overwhelmingly Democrat.

So what do Republicans have against sports in America? Why have they left it to the Democrats and their Blue states to dominate sports?Are they too busy shooting guns, stopping a woman’s right to choose, and having tea parties to enjoy well-executed double-plays, fast breaks, Hail Mary passes, and goals in the five-hole? Why have the Republicans fallen down in providing a local sports experience for their hard-working, family-values constituents?

In a recent speech, U.S. Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney spoke about American exceptionalism, and his belief that God has big plans for the United States. In fact, Romney believes that God (not just some Mormon God, because Romney also wants you to know that he believes in the same God as you do, as long as you’re a Christian, because he’s a Christian too, even thought most Americans believe Mormonism is a cult and not Christian at all–much like many evangelicals believe Catholics aren’t really Christians either) created the United States for a higher purpose, which hasn’t been fulfilled, despite fears that American hegemony is over and that China will soon rule the world. Not so! says Romney. America is just getting started! The twenty-first century will be a century of American dominance! The United States remains a beacon to all freedom-loving peoples everywhere, with the possible exception of the French! America is not done with you yet, planet Earth!

In light of Romney’s confidence in the ongoing supremacy of the United States, it’s interesting to look at the rest of his speech, in order to see what he believes God’s plan is for some other countries. After all, this could be the next President of the United States of America, and the rest of us ought to know where we stand in Mitt’s vision of the coming world order.

The first in a series of posts in which I question the veracity, quality, and sincerity of classic television theme songs.

1) Hey Laverne and Shirley, if you never heard the word “impossible” how can you sing about it, huh?

2) “Burned your breakfast–so far things are going great!” A little sunnier outlook first thing in the morning might lead to a more positive day, Friends. Could you be more sarcastic?

3) That Peanut Gallery really leaves something to be desired, Howdy Doody. Half of those kids are off-key, lots seem to barely know the words, and don’t even get me started on singing in sync. It’s no wonder that these are the kids who went on to be hippies, die in Viet Nam, and vote for Reagan in the 80s. I hope you’ve done a lot of searching in that little wooden heart of yours, Doody ol’ pal. America was built on discipline, not the kind of anarchy embodied in this sloppy tune.

As the deadline to raise the US debt ceiling approaches and Americans and financial markets become more and more concerned about the inability of politicians to come to an agreement, the rhetoric around Washington, D.C. has become elevated. Here are some excerpts from recent speeches:

“The term ‘debt ceiling’ is just a metaphor which places limits on American growth… let no one tell America we have limits! Imagine that America doesn’t live in a house with a single ceiling, but lives in an apartment complex with many, many ceilings… I think we can agree that there is almost no end to America’s potential to borrow and spend and grow and borrow again…!”

“Someone once told us that man would never fly… but the Wright Brothers proved them wrong. Later, someone said that it was impossible to fly faster than the speed of sound… but Chuck Yeager said ‘Fuck that shit.’ Then people said we couldn’t go to the moon… and President Kennedy, in his eloquent way, said ‘Lick my balls, commies!’ Anyway, my point is, you’re telling me we can’t raise a fucking debt ceiling? Bullshit.”

“Okay, if we can’t raise the debt ceiling, can we build a dormer or something to give ourselves a little more room? Plus, it’ll allow a little natural sunlight to come into America, and if we build it south-facing, maybe we’d even save on some heating costs. I know this guy who can do it cheap, and if we buy the supplies from Walmart we’ll save tons…”

“If we can agree to build a debt roof, rather than raising the debt ceiling, then we’ll have all sorts of room in the debt attic, allowing us to continue to borrow for years to come. I have the experience, the knowledge, and the dedication… I understand the working man. It’s better to do one job well than two jobs… not so well. Can we fix it? Yes we can!”

“I am calling on all Republicans to support my plan, not to raise the debt ceiling, which is what the President wants, but to build a separate ‘debt doghouse’ into which we could put all the excess spending that Obama (who wasn’t even born here!) is forcing upon the American people… America isn’t going ‘broke’–it’s going ‘Barack’! Who let the dogs out? Obama! Who’s going to put them back in the doghouse? The Republicans!”

Over the weekend a video surfaced of Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell admitting that she “dabbled in witchcraft” in high school, with the politician brushing aside the story, saying “How many of you didn’t hang out with questionable folks in high school?” Her remarks have angered the Wiccan community, who have found themselves in the position of being the reasonable side in an argument, for the very first time ever, anywhere. They are also being completely adorable in their belief that anyone actually cares about them.

“Any political candidate that is going to equate witchcraft with Satanism is ill informed and is not likely to get the support of people involved in nature religion,” Reverend Selena Fox, the High Priestess & Senior Minister of the Circle Sanctuary, told the Huffington Post. Her non-profit organization is dedicated to promoting paganism and nature spirituality, and is blissfully unaware that Republicans are not, have not, and never will court the “nature spirituality” vote. Fox believes that O’Donnell’s flippant remarks about her religion show a lack of respect. “Whether she intends to do that or not as a way to try and get herself out of this political problem she has created for herself, the fact is America really needs to be a place where you can celebrate diversity and practice your religion without getting ridiculed or defamed,” she said, with a completely straight face, having clearly not watched any news programming or read any newspapers in the last three months. When asked if she sees any connection between O’Donnell’s comments and the Park 51 project near Ground Zero, Fox replied that “as Wiccans, of course we support parks, which bring us closer to Mother Earth.” Seriously, she had no clue what Park 51 actually is.

Sylvia T. Webb, first officer of the non-profit organization Covenant of the Goddess, told ABC News that O’Donnell’s remarks were “bizarre” and contribute to the public’s misunderstanding of the religion. Let me repeat that: a representative of Covenant of the Goddess believes that the American public doesn’t have a clear understanding of Wicca. Islam has over a billion followers, and Americans don’t understand it, and Webb is surprised that they don’t understand Wicca?