Steve: "I dunno, Wolfbeam, it seems like he might be okay once we get past the fact that his head is a hand grenade."

Zack: Meanwhile, in Steve's dreams...

Steve: Last night was the recurring dream where I try to stop the Indians from going extinct, but the last Indian dies because he can't see the sky in the white man's cities and he doesn't know how to use a telephone.

Zack: If you can lucid dream try giving him a medical alert bracelet.

Steve: He keeps asking for bananas.

Zack: We did it!

Steve: Was that it? I didn't hear the buzzer.

Zack: It hits a frequency only audible to a certain pan-dimensional, pan-sexual blue dog.

Traci Lords goes on a journey of vengeance and squibs while making the same stupid face constantly.

About This Column

Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.