What Actually Counts as Sex?

When it comes to hooking up, some terms are clearer than other. You and your friends all probably agree that kissing with tongue is called a French kiss, and that "second base" means boobs are involved somehow. But when it comes to sex, there seems to be more confusion. Like, what happens if you only did it for two seconds? Or what if you had sex with a girl?

Honestly, the exact definition doesn't matter at all. What really matters is that you and your partner both gave consent and that you're using protection.

You're probably rolling your eyes at me right now like, "Hannah, I know, I still just want to know if whatever happened last night was legit sex."

So with that in mind, here's Sex 101: a nitty-gritty discussion of what counts as sex and why.

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What if I've masturbated before?

Masturbation does not equal sex, and has nothing to do with your virginity. However, it's totally normal to masturbate before or during sex to lead to a better orgasm. You and your partner can definitely "spice things up" with masturbation.

It's a super safe way to learn about your body and prepare you for sex, as it'll help you figure out what turns you on — or doesn't. Bonus: There's no need to worry about STIs or pregnancy.

What if I didn't have an orgasm?

You might think it only counts as sex if you reach an orgasm, but that's absolutely not true. It's SO normal for you or your partner (or both) to not get that out-of-body experience during your first, second, or hundredth time having sex.

According to Planned Parenthood, about one out of three women "have trouble reaching orgasm when having sex with a partner." Plus, everyone's body "responds differently to various kinds of sex, and every woman has different preferences for how she likes to be stimulated." So do NOT read too much into it if you have yet to reach the big O — it takes time!

What if it was only outercourse?

Outercourse can be defined in many different ways depending on who you're talking to, but Go Ask Alice!, Columbia University’s Health Q&A Internet Resource, describes it as "lovemaking without penetration into a vagina or an anus. It allows a couple to be sexual, more intimate, and even orgasmic with one another without having sexual intercourse."

Some examples are: making out, masturbating together, playing with sex toys, and dry humping. This is technically sex, but again, the definition is up to you!

What if it was just for two seconds?

Yep, that's still sex. Just for two seconds.

Here's what's more important than the Sex vs. Not Sex label: No matter how long sex lasts, your partner needs to wear a condom to prevent the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.

And just so you know, if you're sexually active, you should be getting regularly tested for STIs, and you should encourage your partners to do the same. You can visit clinics like Planned Parenthood (which offers confidential testing — your parents don't need to know), or Google to find out where your town or city offers free STI testing. But even with testing, you still need to use condoms.

What if he put his penis like halfway in and that was it?

There's no Official Book of Sex Rules that details exactly what percentage of a penis has to be inserted in order for it to count as Real Sex. It's just sex, or an attempt at sex.

And again, no matter how far in he got, condoms are a must.

What if it was just oral sex or anal sex?

Some people don't consider either to be "real" sex because you can't get pregnant, or because some people refer to oral sex as third base. But oral and anal are definitely types of sex. The word "sex" is in the term for a reason. (And BTW, even if pregnancy isn't a risk with either one, STIs are, so use protection.)

What if it was with a girl?

Sex doesn't require a penis. Girls can have sex with each other in all kinds of ways, including fingering, oral sex, and with sex toys.

FYI — just because pregnancy isn't a risk factor here doesn't mean you can forget about safe sex. You are still at risk for STDs, no matter who you’re having sex with.

What if my partner says it didn't "count"?

Honestly, what gives them the authority? Sex might mean different things to different people, but what ultimately matters is how you feel about the encounter and that you’re protecting yourself. And seriously, anyone who's going to pick a fight about how to label a hookup is someone you probably don't want to hook up with, anyway.

What if I didn't consent?

If you didn’t consent to sex, it’s called rape or sexual assault. It doesn’t matter at what point in the hookup you said "no" or "stop" or changed your mind. Consent is a one-time thing and can be withdrawn at any point. If you suspect you might have been assaulted, please talk to a trusted adult (you can even virtually chat 24/7 with a trained counselor from the National Sexual Assault Online Hotline here).

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