Thursday, April 26, 2012

Matt and I are going camping this weekend. In a tent. In the woods. Which will be a far cry from the way we have spent our last two weekends, at the weddings of two of my co-workers. Two Fridays ago and again last Saturday, Matt and I got all dressed up and ate fancy food and had intelligent conversations about politics and constitutional rights and how we can't believe Jessica Simpson is STILL PREGNANT. I felt very grown up and elegant.

Except for the moment during cocktail hour when I drifted a little further away from my strategic position next to the door to the kitchen than I would have liked. The server came out with a fresh tray of appetizers and I was afeared that I might not get my hands on one. Luckily Matt sensed my panic and started to walk over to the server.

And then before I knew what I was doing I called after him, "GO MATT! BE AGGRESSIVE!"

DON'T GET BETWEEN ME AND A SPOONFUL OF CHICKEN SALAD WITH GRAPES AND ALMONDS NESTLED INSIDE A MINIATURE PASTRY.

I doubt that I will be eating any of those in the woods this weekend, but oh how I wish I could. They have changed my life for the better.

I talked to Matt a little while ago and he asked if there was a particular campsite job I was dying for. I graciously offered to provide a real live musical soundtrack for the weekend, EVEN TAKING REQUESTS, but I don't think that was quite the answer he was expecting. And so I volunteered to search around in the woods for sticks that we might need to use for kindling/marshmellow roasting/self-defense.

I will report back on how that goes.

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On a completely unrelated note, I just cleaned out my purse and found the fortune cookie from my sushi lunch the other day, so I ate it OF COURSE. And here is my fortune.

I'm not sure how to take this exactly, but I guess the person who wrote it thinks praying only gets you so far.

What I need to know is whether chicken salad with grapes and almond nestled inside a miniature pastry falls under "want" or "need."

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

One morning last week I had to go to a hearing at the courthouse, and there just so happened to be some GALE FORCE WINDS going on that morning. I was so preoccupied with the task of keeping my hair from getting blown into my freshly glossed lips that I forgot to grab my work ID when I got out of my car. The ID that conveniently
allows me to bypass security at the courthouse entrance.

When
I got to security I plopped my enormous purse on the moving belt and
walked through the scanner. Which beeped, OF COURSE. While one of the sheriffs
pulled me to the side and waved that little wand tool all around, the sheriff manning the bag
screener yelled over to alert me that they had identified some
contraband in my purse.

"Excuse me miss," he called, "I think I see a camera in your bag. And is it also possible that you have some silverware in there?
Specifically, a fork?"

For a few seconds I toyed with the idea of telling him that I must have put the fork in my purse instead of my lunchbox in a moment of absentmindedness, or maybe that I carry a fork around at all times JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.

But since I'd hate to lie to an officer of the law, I just said, "Yes sir, that is quite possible."

And then I watched him put my contraband into a plastic bag, label it with my name and phone number, and tell me to pick it up on my way out.

After the hearing I had to go to the security desk and tell the sheriff on duty that "My name is Laura, and I am here to pick up a Sony Cyber Shot camera and a...fork."

That was fun.

Fast forward to yesterday.

I had another hearing, but this one was in the city. After we were finished my boss asked if I wanted to walk a few blocks to get sushi, to which I said yes because HOW FANCY AND SOPHISTICATED.

Problem was I had never eaten sushi before. And when my rainbow roll came out wrapped in salmon that was probably swimming in a cool mountain stream JUST THAT MORNING, my panic level rose to a 7. I took a long swig of my peach Snapple and prepared to dig in.

Except I couldn't find my fork.

AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED THAT I WAS ONLY PROVIDED WITH CHOPSTICKS.

THIS LUNCH WAS GOING DOWNHILL FAST.

My performance was less than perfect, but I managed to make the chopsticks work. And I ate the sushi even though I typically prefer my lunch to be, you know, COOKED.

And as we left the restaurant I thought that maybe it's not such a bad idea to carry a fork in my purse at all times. JUST TO BE ON THE SAFE SIDE.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

The weather was gorgeous last Sunday, so I called Emily and asked if she wanted to go for a walk in the woods with me. When I arrived to pick her up, she came downstairs in a pink blouse, a long, flowing skirt and platform flip flops with pink sequin straps.

Not really the look I was expecting.

I've known Emily for her entire life, and if there's one thing I've learned about her over the last sixteen years it is that if she has her mind set on something, NO ONE CAN CHANGE IT.

And on Sunday she had her mind set on that skirt and those flip flops.

And so I set off with my spiffy sidekick. About ten minutes down the trail we started to walk down a slight incline. And Emily started to regret her choice of footwear.

It was a little dicey there for a few minutes but Em and her flip flops made it safely to the bottom of the hill.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Since my brother and I have both recently moved out, there are now two empty bedrooms back at home. That means that Emily was finally able to move out of the teeny tiny room where she's spent the last 16 years and into the gigantic room my brother used to have. Along with the upgrade came some redecorating, and last Friday I went home to see the finished room. It is adorable and BRIGHT and after I spent a few minutes looking around I climbed on the bed and Emily and I caught a cases of the giggles. We took several photographs, most of which ended up looking like this...

Emily had the soundtrack from the movie A Walk to Remember playing, and I thought I would burst with joy when I heard the song Someday We'll Know. I hate to toot my own horn but I sound pretty much EXACTLY LIKE MANDY MOORE when I sing it.

I ended up getting a little bit carried away with the opportunity to showcase my Mandy Moore-esque vocals, and recorded myself belting out a verse on my iPhone. We replayed the video on my phone and it turns out that I sound a lot more like Mandy Moore in my head than I do in reality, but we laughed hysterically when we listened to it.

Fast forward to last Monday.

There was an event going on at the courthouse and the paralegals from my office were invited. A coworker and I decided to head over together, and I offered to drive because my car was parked closer and I am a wee bit lazy when it comes to how far I have to walk in heels in excess of 1.5 inches. The two of us hopped in Old Blue and even though the drive to the courthouse takes less than five minutes, I plugged my phone into the stereo system.

Looking back to that moment in the car I should have just left the regular radio station on. Hindsight, it really is 20/20. But no. I had to go and play with fire. After I plugged the phone in, I selected "Play USB," and cranked the volume up.

I think you know where this is going.

Guess what came blasting out the speakers.

ME.

SINGING MANDY MOORE.

I turned the volume down as soon as I realized what was going on, but it was too late. My coworker was silent for a few seconds, and then looked at me and said, "Was that............you?"

Yes. Yes it was. You mean to tell me that you don't record yourself enthusiastically performing cover versions of songs by 90s pop stars and then play them over the speaker system in your car?

I THOUGHT EVERYONE DID THAT.

By the time we got to the courthouse we were laughing so hard we had tears running down our cheeks because really, WHAT ELSE COULD WE DO?

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

I am so happy that tomorrow is Thursday. This week has gotten better each day, but I will be honest. This week and I did not start off on good terms. I'm not one of those people who hates Mondays. I mean, I'm not jumping for joy when the alarm goes off, but in general I accept them because they come around every seven days and CARPE DIEM and all that.

Until two days ago. Two days ago I suffered from a bad case of The Mondays. The first hour or so was fairly pleasant, but then I arrived at work and had to stare reality STRAIGHT IN THE FACE. And the reality was that I apparently did A LOT of talking at work last Thursday and Friday and not a whole lot of working.

That meant that I had a lot of little things to finish up because last week I put conversations about lip stain vs. lip stick and hypothetical breakfast food combinations before actual work, and OH, A LESSON I DID LEARN.

I also learned that Cover Girl makes the best lip stain and that a toasted flatbread, turkey bacon, and peanut butter is an unexpectedly delicious breakfast, so I guess it wasn't a total loss.

By 10:00 on Monday I was making some solid work-related progress and was feeling SUPER FOCUSED AND NOT ONE BIT DISTRACTED BY THOUGHTS OF MAKEUP OR MEALS, when I had to unexpectedly go to a court hearing. Normally that would not be a problem. However, when I got dressed on Monday morning I made the poor decision to sport these bad boys.

And despite what is portrayed on The People's Court with Judge Marilyn Milian (weekday afternoons at 2!) you're not really supposed to wear leopard print high heels in the courtroom.

Especially when you're the paralegal.

Unfortunately I didn't have an extra, more understated pair on hand, so my shoes and I headed over to the courthouse where I sat in the back of the courtroom and thought about how untrue the quote, "Confidence is your best accessory" really is.

The saying should actually be, "A sensible pair of plain black high heels is your best accessory"BUT WHO AM I TO REWRITE HISTORY?

My leopard kicks and I got back to the office just in time for lunch, which delighted me because if there's one thing that can put a smile on my face it's a solid meal. I sat down at my desk and took a giant spoonful of yogurt and almost got sick.

I looked at the label on the container.

Black forest cake flavored yogurt.

Yogurt was on sale 10 for $10 on Sunday, so I BOUGHT TEN OF COURSE. I must have gotten so caught up in the low price excitement that I just grabbed the first ten containers without reading the flavors, because out of the ten yogurts that I purchased, eight were flavored like baked goods.

Call me crazy, but if I want to eat something that tastes like a Boston Creme Pie, I want to actually eat A SLICE OF BOSTON CREME PIE. The same goes for lemon meringue pie, key lime pie, and peach cobbler, all of which are yogurt flavors that I have eaten this week.

I toughed my way through the black forest cake yogurt, encouraged by the fact that there was a light at the end of the tunnel in the form of a delicious banana in my lunchbox for my snack. I bought a fresh bunch when I was at the store on Sunday, so imagine my dismay when I pulled this out of my lunch box.

Apparently when you store a banana in the fridge, it turns brown almost immediately.

Now I know.

Even though this poor banana appeared to be several days past its prime, I still ate it and it tasted normal inside. I was disappointed though, because everyone knows that a banana with brown skin kind of loses its APPEEL!

See what I did there?

I didn't just purchase an ill-fated banana and yogurt masquerading as delectable desserts at the food store on Sunday. Oh no. I also purchased a container of fresh salsa. And since I was UNDERSTANDABLY STARVING after work on Monday, I opened the container as soon as I got home and as I did, I came up with the brilliant idea to add some of my cilantro to the salsa for a little extra kick!

I haven't used any cilantro yet, so when I opened it up and saw what it looked like, I thought SWEET! BONUS! IT'S NOT JUST CILANTRO, IT HAS CARROTS AND GARLIC TOO!!!!!!! THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST SALSA EVER!!!!!! I AM SO LUCKY AND SUCH A GREAT SPICE SHOPPER!!!!

Upon further inspection, I realized it was not orange and tan because it contained carrots and garlic. No. It was moldy.

Yum.

All jokes aside, I actually am really confused about what happened with this cilantro. It had never been opened and the package said it was good until SEPTEMBER 2013! I found it in the cooler section at the store, so I put it in the fridge when I got home and I'm thinking that may be where things went south.

I immediately disposed of the moldy cilantro, and I am happy to report that my life has been mishap-free since Monday evening.

Of course, that may have a little something to do with the fact that I have worn plain back shoes.