DEAR AMY: I am good friends with a woman who was born in England but who has lived here in the United States for more than two decades. She’s well-educated, gentle, soft-spoken, and fun to be with.

Here’s my problem. Several times during the last few years, with no apparent blushing or hesitation, in a group of people we both know, she has described a movie, a TV show, etc., as being “too Jewish.”

Is this code in England for something else, like maybe “too New York-y”?

I don’t know what to do or say. I think she would be horrified to have weirded me out as much as she has. I’m especially put off by it because my children are part-Jewish through my ex-husband’s family.

Should I wait until she uses the phrase again and say something like, “I don’t understand. Can you explain what that means?”

It seems cowardly to wait, but I am enough of a coward that I am having difficulty imagining starting a conversation about it. I am leaning toward a brief, non-accusatory email.

Upset

DEAR UPSET: In my experience, “Too New York-y” is code for “too Jewish,” — not the other way around. Maybe in England, however, the casual anti-Semitic code book is reversed (after all, they drive on the left-hand side of the street).

If you have a question about statements your friend has made and your questions linger long after she has made them, even to the extent that it affects your opinion of her and your friendship with her, then you should ask her to explain herself. Many people would find this offensive, but you should let her know how her statements affect you.

If you want to do this via email, craft a short note, read it several times, then wait a day or two before sending.

DEAR AMY: Several years ago, after we got a piano, we lent an electric piano to our neighbors for their son to use.

Recently, they moved to a new house. I noticed an electric piano that looked different from the one we lent them. The son said the one we lent them “burnt out” and that he had received the new one as a Christmas present.

I am bothered that our friends appear to have swept our piano under the rug. One of our grown sons asked about the keyboard for his apartment. I would like to understand what happened to it? I only want an apology, not reimbursement.

Feeling Used

DEAR FEELING: Lending someone an item for several years makes it sound more like a gift — unless you were specific about terms at the time, which you don’t seem to have been. When families hand over items their household has outgrown, it’s reasonable to think that this is something being passed along, not lent. Certainly with an electronic item (and not an heirloom), you should assume it has a shelf life. Inquire about this — an explanation and expression of thanks is called for, but I’m not sure you’re owed an apology. This seems more like a misunderstanding than a deliberate act.