Grace Versus Abuse

It’s the line between grace and abuse that causes problems.

Extending grace to another person is kind and compassionate, and it’s normal to want to give someone you love the benefit of the doubt.

However, giving someone repeated grace, especially when their behavior does not change, may slowly creep into an abusive relationship where you tolerate the abuse time and again without even realizing it.

I Know Where the Line Is — Now

I tripped over the line between grace and abuse many times myself.

Remember that old playground jump rope you laid down as a boundary when you were a kid? And then kept moving because someone didn’t think it was in a fair spot?

Like that.

I kept giving grace over and over and over again thinking it would be better next time.

What About You?

Being in a relationship with someone who scares or hurts you is so tough.

Know that you are not alone at this line between grace and abuse.

Answer the following seven questions to know whether you may be giving someone grace (trying to get along or overlook hurt feelings) or accepting an abusive relationship (where someone is taking advantage of your forgiving nature).

1. What do abusive relationships look like, and how does that compare with my relationship?

Abuse happens when a person engages in patterns of behavior to gain power and control over their partner. Abuse comes in many forms, including physical, emotional/psychological, financial, digital and sexual.

Let’s consider emotional abuse as an example.

Perhaps, at some point in your relationship, your partner got really mad at you for something, and started screaming, calling you horrible names, and saying hurtful things. Maybe this is the only time something like this has happened, your partner was especially upset about this issue or having a particularly bad day, and they later apologized and never acted that way again. In that situation, it may be appropriate to extend grace to your partner.

If situations like these occur on a regular basis, especially if your partner never apologizes, sees nothing wrong with their behavior, gets angry about things that are not your fault/outside of your control, or says things that hurt or scare you, that becomes a pattern of behavior intended to control your emotional well-being — emotional abuse.

Try writing out exactly what happened in your situation, one moment in time that was particularly intense. Don’t write out any reasons as to “why,” just put down the facts. He did this, I did that, x happened, y happened. Then let it sit for a day or two, adding to it as needed. Step back and re-read what happened as if it were someone else. Does it seem reasonable? Would you act in the way the other person acted toward you? Why or why not? What advice would you give to a person in your role?

Writing about tough situations may be a painful process because you don’t necessarily want to re-live what happened in your mind. Sometimes, you even feel you may have triggered the other person’s behavior or made the situation worse with your response.

However, writing in a journal can help you keep track of your partner’s behavior over time.

When you can look back on the facts in black and white, it may help you see more clearly that what is happening IS abuse, not normal behavior.

Cutting someone a little slack or giving grace involves talking to them about what happened. If your partner apologizes and never treats you that way again, your grace might have opened that person’s mind to the possibility that they made a mistake.

If you don’t feel like you can talk about a particular situation with your partner, that’s a red flag that you’re in an abusive situation.

Fearing that you’ll hurt their feelings or that you misunderstood their intent is normal. Fearing that they’ll react in ways intended to blame, punish or threaten you is not.

3. Does the other person deserve my grace?

Pay attention to how you feel when your loved one’s behavior occurs. Do you think, “Oh no, not again?” Do you try to rationalize the person’s behavior?

This may mean you have an abusive relationship on your hands.

One way to tell if you’re in an abusive relationship involves fear.

Someone who repeatedly relies on fear and insecurities to manipulate other people is probably abusive.

Lashing out is intended to show power and instill fear into the other person to make them submissive.

Abuse is more than just anger, but if your partner reacts to anger in dangerous or hurtful ways, they need to get themselves under control. That’s not your responsibility, nor should you bear the brunt of their reaction.

If you extend grace to an abuser, that person gets another chance to exhibit the same abusive behavior all over again.

Reasons for your partner’s insecurity and fear are numerous. Perhaps they experienced a tough childhood. Maybe they feel a lack of social value.

4. Does my partner permanently change his or her behavior after I extend grace?

However, this could simply be a way for an abuser to suck you back into the relationship. Maybe they have no real motivation to stop their behavior and lied about a willingness to seek help.

Maybe your grace unintentionally set your abuser up to take advantage of you one. more. time.

Sometimes when you try to hold an abuser accountable for change, they use stealth to shift your attention and delay you leaving the relationship.

They might try to overtly flatter you with praise and gifts to distract you from the abusive behavior. Watch out for the language of abuse and narcissism. A narcissist might seem as if they have your best interest at heart, but upon further analysis, the opposite is true.

On the other hand, if you give someone the benefit of the doubt and they appreciate the opportunity to make the situation better, you’re giving grace. Rather than lash out in anger for calling out their behavior, they show you they can choose a better way to handle the situation the next time.

Giving yourself wholeheartedly to another person without consistent return of those same feelings may indicate an abusive relationship.

If your partner neglects your needs while demanding attention to theirs, holds you to a different set of rules, or makes you feel like you’re always in the wrong, that can be a huge warning sign of abuse.

As you give grace, you should expect a loving partner to return that grace in two ways. First, the person does not repeat their bad behavior. Second, your partner extends grace to you when you face a similar situation.

“Living with too many rules is legalistic, but allowing too much grace is enabling.” -Rachel Cruze

She helps smart, outwardly confident women who secretly have low self-esteem issues due to an emotionally abusive partner to take back control and begin to develop the resilience they need to be themselves again. Her Lifestory Laboratory course serves people who want to heal from their tough life stories.