Wednesday, January 11, 2012

There's no goddamn room outside

So it takes me a while to express how I'm feeling. And once I do, I don't repeat it or wax eloquent to add volume for emphasis. I articulate it and let it lie like a wound, expecting the other person to help. Well, bullshit, not really. More to take out like a wounded organ, watch it and try and fix it before putting it back inside. Some time, I don't have the tools to fix it on my own because I'm emotionally retarded even to myself I think. So I just put it back patched as best as and go on. Well, that;s how I've done it so far.

Now in this I have to help someone else when they put it on the table. The options are: listen, offer solution but making sure that in either event, to imagine it literally from the other persons perspective (the psychopaths empathy. Haha)The thing is, I can't do the same. In fact, I can't even do the former. When I was looking for a job, I had to not only keep my own inside (which killed me near about) but also fix the other persons. Now, with the job, I have fixed, to some degree, a major person of my own wounded part. But I haven't fixed the others. Even with mine, I hold it back for months on end, twice this past week I let it out, on my own to deal with it on my own. Yeah, that meant ignoring the others and that led to well, worse consequences for me.

This is the best I can articulate it, dispassionately. To not do so would well, be feeling that pain and I can't. Whoops, tried and felt it there for a second and no. not tonight.

I don't even want to say the two words out aloud to myself let alone commit them to 'paper'