A Football Halftime Pep Talk Given By Someone Who Knows Nothing About Football—Namely, Me

OK, guys. Something happened out there. You ran a lot, and sometimes you threw and caught the ball. Anyway, somehow we wound up being down by 28 points. And that’s not good. Even I know that. That’s four touchdowns. Or maybe it’s four touchdowns and four kicks. I think you only get 6 points for a touchdown and then you have to kick the ball. And you probably have to kick it from a certain distance. I don’t know. But listen. Here’s the thing. You guys have got to do better in the second half. Because there are only two halves. The halves are about 30 minutes long, and there is a halftime show, sometimes with John Fogerty.

I didn’t even know that guy was alive, and sometimes I think he’s Peter Frampton, and sometimes I think he was in Dire Straits. Was he? Anyone?

So look: I don’t know who to direct this to, because I can’t tell you apart. That’s a big part of why I never watch football. I can’t see your faces, so the sport lacks the inherent drama of baseball or basketball. And there are so fucking many of you on this team that it confuses me. Because only 11 of you can play at once. Or maybe that’s soccer.

Let’s do this: if you played in the first half, raise your hand.

Really? Wow. I don’t recognize any of you.

All right. Well, here’s what I can tell you. You have four chances to get a first down, and to get a first down you have to advance the ball 10 yards down the field. You can do that by passing or running the ball. I don’t think you can kick it, but I would not quote me on that. Before each play, you’ll get together in a huddle, and the quarterback will tell you what to do. Then you’ll line up facing the other team. Some guy will move before everyone else. Most of the time that’s OK, but I think sometimes he goes too soon and that’s called a “man in motion.” Maybe. Anyway, the quarterback will then pass the ball through his legs. Nope. Strike that. The guy who hikes the ball will pass it through his legs to the quarterback. And then the quarterback will either pass the ball or run it.

Now, this is important. If he gives you the ball, run toward our goal and try not to get tackled.

So, that’s it, it’s simple. Oh, and if you know what any of the following things are, try not to do them:

1. Holding

2. Facemasking

3. Excessive celebration

OK, you guys. I know you’re probably bored shitless out there, and you want to claw your own eyeballs out for forgetting to bring a magazine. I know that you probably got involved in this whole football thing because you were pretending to like it to impress a guy. But now you’re stuck actually having to play through an entire game. So just—I don’t know—maybe think about what you’re going to do after the game or tomorrow. If you can find a way to get drunk, maybe you’ll start actually finding this fun. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn’t. If all else fails, just concentrate on how good the shiny pants look on your teammates. Yeah, that’s a little gay, but fuck it. We’re down by 28 points, so we have to do whatever it takes. Seeming a little queer is the least of your problems.

I guess what I’m saying is try to do better. Or don’t. Whatever. I’m not going to pay any attention.