1.18.2011

I try to make it a habit not to partake in things that do not fit me based on description alone. i.e. skinny jeans. I'm a lot of things…but frankly, skinny isn’t one of them. Now, I had my skinny day in the sun. But an overcast of about 25 lbs has long since clouded that day. I actually lost about 15 lbs a few years ago and simultaneously found the courage to attempt the skinny jean. After all, if Kate Moss can wear them...*blinks* The skinny jeans experiment went over quite well back then. Subsequently, I found the weight I lost back then (it was hiding in my fridge next to the Ben and Jerry’s) and my one and only pair of skinny jeans now mocks me from the corner of my closet. They think they’re so hot in all their skinny wonder!

I have grown to loathe the skinny jean which appears to have only been created to serve a life sentence as the bane of my existence. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse…The Gap (of all places) decides to go ahead and design…get this…the “really skinny pants”. That’s right folks…skinny is no longer in vogue...apparently really skinny is where all the action is now. Who wants to be really skinny anyway? Really skinny doesn’t have any friends…really skinny isn’t popular or even believable unless you're on a runway in Paris. I say down with really skinny and its stupid pants! It’s high time someone created fat jeans! What about ‘can’t lose this baby weight pants’? Or even Freshmen 15 capris? I know many women who would benefit from the ‘things just aren’t the same trouser’. It’s time for pants to adhere to people’s circumstances!

1.09.2011

As a Basketball Wives enthusiast, I was overjoyed by the latest installment. 30 minutes of pure fuckery. For those who haven’t succumb to the mind numbing, fooleywang known as Basketball Wives…here’s a summation. Set in Miami, the show chronicles the lives of 5 (sometimes 6) women who have been associated with a NBA player at some point in their lives. Now, don’t let the name fool you. Only one of the ladies is actually a “basketball wife“…and she is likely to be divorced by season 3. Since her soon to be ex-husband is now retired from the league…she doesn’t even technically meet the criteria either. Alas, we give The Real Housewives of (Insert Place Here) a pass on this, so we shall do the same here.

Meet the cast: Shaunie (see: Shaq) is the leader of the pack. She acts as narrator, mother hen, and sometimes drama ring leader. Evelyn is the resident bitch and ex-fiancé’ of a NBA player. Jennifer is the docile, doormat who is unhappily married. Suzie is the racially ambiguous, apparent recovering thumb sucker, who was once engaged to/with 2 kids by a NBA baller. Tami (lord have mercy what happened to her!?) is the ex-wife of a ball player. Last (and yes least) Royce is an ex-NBA dancer, baby mamma of some player, and an all-around horrible dresser.

To bring you up to speed, season 2 opens with Shaunie moving to Miami for an extended stay, whilst her 18 kids are with Shaq (see: nanny) for the Summer. Another notable happening is the ostracism of Suzie out of the inner circle due to her loose lips re: Evelyn‘s sexcapades in Sin City. Suzie should know better. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas (unless you don’t use protection). Jennifer is still stuck in a marriage that is on a speeding train…destination: nowhere. Royce has managed to shake her horrible reputation and convince some poor sap to by her man. And Tami - the newest “wife” is inducted into the Circle of Trust. Now you may remember Tami from her stint on Mtv’s Real World. But that was in a land long ago and far away before she was rich then poor, married then divorced, happy then bitter. Tami has replaced Gloria “That’s What’s Up” Govan who was apparently too good to return for another season (let her tell it). Yet, manages to sneak in a cameo before the opening credits.

Action: So Jennifer and Evelyn are sitting around being their normal fabulous/catty selves, when Evelyn drops the petty bomb. They have been purposely omitted from the guest list of a fundraiser *gasp*. Since the event is being hosted by yet another NBA ball player’s baby mama, who they have exchanged words with in the past - the invite oversight is deemed intentional and inexcusable. So they do what any classy, socialite would do…oh wait, that’s the real housewives…this is the real hoodwives…Jen and Ev choose to forgo the high road and crash the fundraiser. The type of poise and grace Evelyn displayed when she sailed passed the doorman elegantly uttering the phrase “we know we’re not on the muthf*cking guest list…get the f*ck out of here“ cannot be mimicked or learned. This type of class is only bred, passed down from generation to generation.

As the ladies who were invited sit around cackling about the absence of Ren and Stimpy…as if on cue, in walks Jennifer and Evelyn…feeling like a million bucks…looking more like $425 combined. Suzie…fresh out of exile, sees her best superficial friend turned nemesis (Evelyn) saunter in. Being the courageous warrior she is, she politely gulps down her Rosette and heads for the hills. Royce who has made the unfortunate mistake of placing an entire bag of Yaky 2B atop her head, stands frozen in horror. Shaunie mutters something to the key of “aww hell”. And the hostess (only known to me as Raefar Alston’s BM) just stands there…blank faced and stupefied.

As their first order of business, the ladies do what any respectable party crashers would…they march over to the hostess and demand an explanation as to why they weren’t invited. As if the presence of the uninvited guests wasn’t enough, Tami - who is clearly on the wrong end of her daily meds…instantly becomes agitated (although this whole thing has absolutely positutely nothing to do with her). Tami - in what she calls “a ghetto move in the 1st place”, decides it best to take her shoes off…because she is “drunk and her feet hurt”. As someone who has been known to take a shoe or two off in the middle of a shindig, I don’t take issue with this…especially since Tami’s shoes were clearly plotting against the cohesiveness of her outfit. In her defense, when you are wearing a blue dress of unknown origin whilst carrying a pink satin purse…you clearly have no smart place to go in shoe selection.

Anyway…once her unpedicured feet hit the cool tile of the Viceroy floor…both comfort and evil set in. Looking for a soft place to land off her alcohol (and what appears to be at least 2 different prescription pain killers) high…Tami attacks Jennifer. A few episodes ago, upon hearing that Tami was once homeless and on food stamps, Jennifer made the mistake of telling the other “wives” she had never seen a food stamp before. In all of Tami’s bitterness…she managed to take this asinine tidbit of information pertaining to someone else’s life as an insult.

As most indignant women, with horrible weave jobs do…Tami chose not to address this the gazillion times they were in intimate settings together…she wanted to pick JUST the right place to confront her. I mean honestly, can you think of a better place to address this than at a charity fundraiser? Jennifer calmly explains to Tami that she was picked up in a Porsche from junior high school and is not ghetto…ergo, she has never seen a food stamp. Shoes off, 12 sheets to the wind, certified platinum ghetto card validated and in her pocket…Tami calls Jennifer everything but a child of God. When this does not bring the satisfaction she seeks, she resorts to attacking Jennifer’s troubled marriage. Because as a divorced woman herself, the first thing Tami should do is make another woman heading down the same path feel bad about it. Duh. In the midst of Tami’s verbal assassination…she thinks to herself (in a confessional weeks later) “somewhere along the line…I feel like I heard the word bitch”. Although she has used this word to describe Jennifer at least 13 times in 5 minutes, this is below the belt for Tami.

Seeking vindication, Tami unsuccessfully resorts to a physical altercation. The funniest thing to me was that somewhere in the midst of this, someone else ended up in possession of Tami’s purse. And they were holding it the way you would hold someone else’s dirty undies you just picked up off the floor. Anywho…security intervenes, swiftly placing Tami in a Full Nelson as she is escorted out of the building. After the fundraiser is ruined, Jennifer and Evelyn flee the scene…but not before Jennifer declares this is THE ghetto-est fundraiser she has ever been to! How would she know how to properly identify ghetto? She’s middle class. *rolls eyes* The hostess (who is now nowhere to be found), was rumored to have locked herself in the ladies room where guests say she was heard crying hysterically through the door. Okay fine, I made that last part up…but it could happen.