Wednesday, June 22, 2011

"I'm as corny as Kansas in August,I'm as normal as blueberry pie.No more a smart little girl with no heart,I have found me a wonderful guy!"

When I was in preschool, I used to listen to the entire soundtrack of the Broadway version of South Pacific on an LP as I jumped up and down on my mini-trampoline. The floorboards must have been strong, since I don't remember the record skipping and I wore what was politely called 'pretty plus' sizes at the time.

I liked the film version of South Pacific, too, but even then I preferred the stage to the screen.

According to my mother, the only way to make me sleep as a baby was to play Broadway. South Pacific was my favorite as an infant. Perhaps it was one of mom's favorites, too, since it's all about a blonde girl from a small town who finds love in the arms of an exotic man, after they learn to tolerate their differences. Ironically, the love between an Irish-Italian-German Jewish girl and a Greek-American man proved to be far more difficult to navigate in 1980s New Jersey. A failure to make mountainous piles of pastitio, speaking English, and having two eyebrows made the obstacles of two biracial children from a hidden marriage in the 1940s seem pretty tame.

I used to sing "I'm In Love With A Wonderful Guy" in the summer and then ask to eat blueberry pie as a snack (usually Entenmann's, sometimes Delicious Orchards if I was lucky).

"Some Enchanted Evening" didn't do it for me, though--not then and not now. I liked Rex Harrison's "I've Grown Accustomed to Her Face" from My Fair Lady much better.

Needless to say, I adored pretty much every tune from The Sound of Music and Annie. (The latter was an early introduction to Tim "Dr. Frank N. Furter" Curry).

My mother's favorite musical film was The Wizard of Oz. She liked to tell me the story of seeing it in the theater for the first time--how disappointed she was when it began in black-and-white, and how magical it seemed when the technicolor spilled forth from the door, opening up into Oz.

My mother loved musicals because of the escapism they offered her--into fantasy, elegance, and easily solvable problems--as did I. I suppose they taught me some bad lessons about life. Even the most horrible threats of the 20th century could be solved by singing and dancing across the green hills of The Sound of Music.

I wanted to be just like Judy Garland--she was one of the few brunette heroines in a sea of blonde Disney princesses--but I hated the end of the film. I read my way through all of the Oz books and reminded everyone who would listen that in the BOOKS Oz is a REAL PLACE and Dorothy goes to live there as a PRINCESS FOREVER. (And yes, even at that tender age I liked to explain how Julie Andrews could really sing and Audrey Hepburn was DUBBED in the movie version of My Fair Lady).

As you can see, given my natural pedantic tendencies, baby, I was born to get a useless degree in the humanities in college!

I'm sure that some overpaid Freudian analyst would have had some interesting things to say about my upbringing if I'd been born a gay man in 1950s America, versus a heterosexual woman in the late 20th century. Fortunately, in today's more enlightened times we can all listen to South Pacific and eat blueberry pie without thinking too much about it. Or listen to Lady Gaga and eat this yellow brick of a lemon blueberry loaf.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

A few weeks ago, a woman from my yoga studio noticed that her cat Sukhi was experiencing some signs of distress. When it became clear that this was not due to a hairball, she rushed the cat to the nearest emergency room. After probing the cat and determining that it wasn’t poisoned, the vet performed an internal examination. Lodged within the feline on the X-ray was a perfect representation of the Greek letter omega.

Omega, as well as being the last letter of the Greek alphabet, is also the symbol of Lululemon, the upscale yoga clothing and accessory store. Lululemon had recently had a sale on yoga mat bags, and the dangling omega-shaped zipper proved to be far too tempting for Sukhi to resist. From alpha to omega to a $4,000 vet bill for surgery to removed the lodged Greek letter.

I once read that long ago, rabbis used to teach children the Hebrew alphabet by writing the letters in honey on a plate for the children to eat. Sukhi’s desire to eat the Word, bypassing alpha to go straight to omega, alas, proved to be less sweet.

I sympathize with Sukhi. It is a very human impulse to seek Enlightenment with an easy fix—a pill, a self-help book, a single practice (therapy, running, a low-carb diet), or a guru. Like Sukhi I have thrown myself into different pursuits in a single-minded fashion, rushing the result—telling myself because I wasn’t good at math, I had to publish a book by age 23, telling myself that because I wasn’t athletic or pretty, I had to be smart. Focusing on a goal and being the best and refusing to try things from A to Z, from alpha to omega, was my mindset. It didn't matter that I might enjoy some activities at which I might be mediocre. I was determined not to be humiliated and to prove everyone who had ever mocked me in grammar school to be wrong.

The path to Enlightenment is treacherous one—the children’s game Chutes and Ladders is actually a version of the ancient Indian game of karma ‘Snakes and Ladders’. The game is a metaphor for the human condition: it is very easy to fall back on the path to Truth and hard to rise. Pursuing a goal with steely determination by trying to edge myself up a long slide, rather than taking the longer and more comfortable path of going up some ladders is my usual sway of blundering through life.

But I was told by my friends who consumed the bread that this is as close to inner serenity as you can achieve in a few, swift, Enlightening bites…and even after sliding your credit card through to pay a $4,000 vet bill you will feel better about the world.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

This may be one of the creepiest photographs I've seen of a politician. It's made even creepier by the fact that this is a politician with whom I've agreed many times in the past. And the fact that the arrow pointing to 'Me' is actually pointing to a photo of an adorable little white dog in the back of the Anthony Weiner's office.

But all things, even the most random and innocent objects look somehow obscene and creepy when you put a small sign that says 'Me' next to them.

Friday, June 3, 2011

If you're reading this blog, it's unlikely that you're a hipster. However, if you live within the radius of a major metropolitan area, you will occasionally spot hipsters when dining out, particularly if you are a vegan or like swilling obscurely-named drinks.

I fall into neither of these categories. But I have observed that if you are trying to raise your Personal Hipster Quotient (PHQ), these tips may come in handy. Once again, be aware that I myself am not a hipster, merely an observer of the species.

1. Attire: Tattoos are a must, preferably illegal and/or extremely expensive tattoos obtained in foreign countries. Extra hipster points are given for tattoos of obscure bands and tattoos in Eastern languages you don't speak. The nice thing about tattoos is that even if you are forced to wear non-hipster attire for occupational reasons or because you are dining with a non-hipster (AKA your parents) you can still communicate the fact you are a hipster to the world. Because the world cares. Oh. So. Much.

In the absence of tattoos, a scruffy beard and Buddy Holly/Alfie-style glasses can be substituted. Female hipster plumage usually takes the form of body piercing--belly rings and multiple earrings are a must, tongue piercings are optional.

2. Conversation: A small, expensive phone is essential when dining out as a hipster, particularly in small cafes in which the tables are located close to one another. This enables you to have a loud conversation with your dining companion and someone else at the same time. Other patrons with less exciting lives will really appreciate overhearing your fascinating conversations about your recent snowboarding vacation, how disappointed you are in Obama and the cool new gearless bike you purchased.

3. Sustenance: A special diet is a must. Vegan and gluten-free are popular hipster grazing patterns, although it should be noted that some members of the subspecies make exceptions for extremely expensive sushi, or beef if the venue is sufficiently cool enough. Other hipsters go the other way and adopt the paleo and CrossFit lifestyle.

The essential aspect of hipster dining is not the actual food itself but the attitude towards those who do not Eat As The Hipster Doth. For example, if you are a vegan hipster and someone brings in homemade chocolate chip cookies to work, it's essential to remind them IMMEDIATELY and IN PUBLIC that not even cage-free eggs are guaranteed to be ethically sourced. Adding that you like to go to a cool, vegan and gluten-free bakery in Brooklyn (it must be in Brooklyn, not in Manhattan) is also a must. Conversely, if you are a paleo who only eats grass-fed beef and lifts weights, make sure to throw in some nasty comments to the woman training for the charity 10K at your office that "CrossFit is the only way." If you bike to work, don't talk to people who drive cars, regardless of where they live.

Regarding allergies--hipsters seldom have full-blown allergies. However 'sensitivities' (such as gluten-sensitive, wheat-sensitive, dairy-sensitive) are frequently observed in the hipster species, which does not require medical proof and enables hipsters to occasionally sneak a cupcake from Magnolia when Babycakes bakery is too far of a hike.

4. Hipster transportation: While it might be assumed that all hipsters either take public transportation or drive hybrid vehicles to their dining locations, that is not always the case. Some gas-guzzling vehicles are so showy and outré in their design,they are impossible for hipsters to pass up. However, this does not stop the urban hipster from making comments like: "red paint is made for people who wear leather hiking boots" or "I could never wear a running t-shirt that might have come from a sweatshop! My friend makes t-shirts like that for only $50 each at his store in the Village."

5. Filthy lucre: Are hipsters rich? How do they afford to eat out so much?

This is an interesting question. Many of them have hidden sources of income, such as wealthy parents bankrolling their efforts in hipsterdom, were successful enough to store away a bit of income due to some non-hipster job in finance or IT, or have a wealthy, non-hipster spouse.

Hipsters do work, as any non-hipster who has ever tried to futilely get served in a restaurant with hipster staff will know. Bike shops, where they will stare right through you as you wheel in your vehicle, often have hipster staff, and small stores that sell clothing or useless objects.

However, even if you're not a trust fund baby, you can still be a hipster. Remember, the essential attitude of the Hipster at Work is this: "Are you talking? To ME? I'm going to stare right over your head and continue with my conversation and ignore the fact that you water glass is empty and/or your child's bike needs a new kickstand."

More dedicated hipsters may pursue careers in the arts. Musically-inclined hipsters identify themselves by their shocked attitudes when you say you like the Rolling Stones or The Black Eyed Peas and gravitate to restaurants with blaring soundtracks. They seldom listen to what other people are saying, except on their tiny cellphones, so the deafening blare is a bonus.

Occasionally, one will spot a hipster yoga instructor. They usually manifest themselves at studios with extremely expensive towels and exorbitant fees for bottled water. These studios also have trained staff to look through you if you are unable to their afford expensive workshops. Hipster instructors are identified less by their way of dressing (as many yoga instructors have a deceptively hipster appearance) and more by the fact that they tend only 'adjust' cute thin rich people with body piercings who make major contributions to the instructor's pet causes and follow the instructor wherever he or she might teach. However, hipster yoga instructors are usually detoxing, so you don't need to worry about dealing with them while dining out.

6. Social relations: If your non-hipster dining companion makes a comment about a favorite television program or book, or a favorite entertainer, or going to the theater, make sure, oh aspiring hipster, to have a pained and shocked expression as you say: "I can't believe people are watching the royal wedding when people are starving to death in Africa and Americans buying bottled water everyday." However, as a hipster, it is totally okay to spend lots of money on your music, clothing, vacations to see cool shows, do extreme sports, and have paid enough for tattoos and piercings to feed a Third World country. That is self-expression. It's so totally different from watching Glee and reading cooking magazines.

It is okay, as a hipster, to have a few mainstream pastimes. In fact, it's encouraged to have one or two non-hipster interests to let everyone know that you are a human being, like knitting. But always remember that your pastimes are okay to spend money on, and everyone else has shallow and decadent pursuits.

7. Food shopping: Hipsters generally like Whole Foods (the CEO's lack of support for universal healthcare doesn't bother them, because that is such an American issue and hipsters seldom adopt local causes). But, oh hipster aspirant, don't bother to bring a reusable shopping bag. All hipsters ever purchase are bottles of essential oils, fancy iced teas, and prepared lunches at Whole Foods, since hipsters don't cook. They often know the cashier and hold up the line giving him or her a hug and a kiss--or if they don't, they just talk on their cellphones the entire time to avoid contact with non-hipsters in line.

8. Drinking and smoking: Some hipsters indulge, other hipsters do not. Regardless of your choice, if you are an aspiring hipster and a smoker, do so without any regard for non-smoking signs, because the whole non-smoking thing is so authoritarian and stupid. If you drink, regardless of your favorite tonic, remember that what you drink is totally cool--whether it is an ironically consumed American beer or a pricey cocktail or bottle of organic wine--and what everyone else consumes is totally inferior.

One final warning: If you do not follow these instructions and occasionally see hipsters where you dine, shop, and pursue your hobbies you may still be under the mistaken notion that you can pass for a hipster, and go up to said hipsters and say things like: "Hey, I'm a vegan, do know any good vegan restaurants?" Or "cool! where did you get that bike?" Or "I love those checkered sneakers." If you do you just have so. Not. Gotten. This. Post.

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About Me

I have a small dog, I run and do yoga, I love horses. I used to be a vegetarian, now I'm a pretty 'healthy' eater--mostly low-carb during the week, with the baked goods you see on here, added in for treats.