~ My life on the other side of chaos

I am a BEACH/TROPICAL weather kind of girl…or at least, I like the weather to be warm enough not to need gloves and hats and heavy coats to survive it. I am NOT a fan of snow and cold.

I am trying very hard to not let this icky weather affect my daily life. And I’m failing. It has zapped my energy, mood and desire to be productive at home or work. I am pretty sure I could be correctly classified as lazy for the entire month of January so far.

We are facing one more week of this nasty weather. So…how am I going to overcome my laziness? Or CAN I overcome my laziness? And really, do I WANT TO OVERCOME my laziness? I think the truthful answer to that is NO.

I see friends posting on social media sites about how much they get done around the house since they don’t want to venture out into the snow/cold and I feel bad looking around my less than spotless home, but not bad enough to get up and do anything. I have done the bare minimum all weekend.

You’d think I would feel rested and ready to go to work on Monday to accomplish things there since I did next to nothing all weekend but… again… nope. I am dreading the drive to the office, the workday tasks that face me, and even the drive home again in the evening.

And then I will be babysitting for a friend’s son all evening and, while I love that kid, I am feeling too lazy to even cook dinner… we will be eating out tomorrow for sure!

So the point of this post is to confess that I am, at heart, extremely lazy right now. And probably will be until there is warmth in my world again. Those around me better hope for an early Spring. Come on groundhog… don’t let me down!!!

OK… so I quit writing my blog because my posts seemed to be blaming my family for the things that were wrong with me. That wasn’t my intent, of course, but they told me that they felt that way so I stopped. I never want to cause my family any pain.

I am going to try to keep this strictly about me.

Also, my goals were a little too big for me to be successful in achieving them. So I am going to start much smaller this time and celebrate the little victories.

So let’s set the first goal.

This weekend, I am going to try to spend less time “zoned out” on the computer and TV and more time interacting with my husband and kids.

Obstacles:

1. Lack of energy from a long work week and my own inability to sleep enough and a slight bout of depression over money (or lack thereof).

2. I like to play computer games (Candy Crush Saga, Monopoly, Solitare, Fishdom, Purble Place, etc. etc. etc…) -They help me not think of all the crap that bothers me.

3. It’s fooball season and there are so many great games on TV on Saturday.

4. This house is a WRECK!!!! Must clean just to not have the health department declare it unliveable.

Since I’m starting small, the first weekend goal is to be off the computer by noon on Saturday and not on again until after 9 p.m. During that time I will try to get as much done around the house as I can so I can spend Sunday with Mike and the girls at my great niece’s birthday party without a “to do list” to come home to Sunday afternoon. Sunday afternoons are usually when the “OMG I haven’t done anything all weekend but play on the computer” guilt starts and I start to freak out about getting the trash out, the house vacuumed, the laundry finished, the kitchen cleaned up, etc.

So, this week , AGAIN, I didn’t do anything on my ”personal wish list”. Why? Because when I had time I had NO ENERGY and when I had energy I had NO TIME. It’s as simple (and lame) as that. When I got home in the evenings, after a long day of thinking and creating at work, I was mentally and physically spent. I seem to have the most energy from about 10 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. but during that time, at least Monday through Friday, I’m always at work. On the weekends, that time is usually “chore time”. Although on Saturday and Sunday from 9:00-9:30 I am devoted to my Looney Tunes addiction. Thank you Cartoon Network for still playing those classics. They make me “MUY HAPPY”!

My job is important to me since I’m the sole breadwinner for my family (other than that laughable amount Uncle Sam donates through my husband’s Social Security Disability check). But even when I wasn’t the only one contributing to the bills, I took a lot of pride in my work. I get frequent recognition at work and the promotions and pay increases show that I am successful at work. As hard as I work, I can’t help but challenge myself to do more, do better, go farther. The question is, why can’t I do the same for myself in my personal life?

Let me give you some background on why I think I can’t:

We are on year 4 of my husband’s total disability and for the 2 years before that, his income started declining because he worked commission and as his health deteriorated he couldn’t work as much or as hard. What I make now is almost what he used to make 6 years ago (but with inflation, that’s still not doing it) and he makes WAY less than I did during that time. But our bills have not decreased. They, in fact, have INCREASED and we had to add a lot of Medical bills to it as well. Thank goodness we have outstanding health insurance because it could have been waaaaaaaaaaaaaay worse! So, for the last 6 years, we have blown through what little bit of savings we had and are pretty much living “paycheck to two paychecks from now”. Gasoline, utilities, food, mortgage, insurance, taxes, education… everything went up but our income went DOWN.

My husband was extremely active before he became disabled. He coached youth sports, officiated football and softball, was active in clubs, church, family activities. So, his disabilities have been very hard on him. But he still tries to do what he is able and does a damn good job of it too. He is motivated, positive, brave and strong. And I begrudge him that sometimes. I get so worried about paying the bills and taking care of our home that it has “shut me down” in the sense that I don’t want to DO anything for fear that it will cost money that we DON’T HAVE. Even if in the long run it is good for us…

I haven’t bought myself anything that I didn’t have a gift card from someone for in YEARS (like clothes, recreational items, etc.) And when I do buy something I really need (underwear, work clothes, etc.) I feel SOOOOOO guilty. Even though I know I shouldn’t. But then I remember that last paycheck we had $32.74 to get through the last 4 days of the week until my check was deposited into my account and that ‘s what makes me think that I SHOULD feel guilty.

So, maybe the problem isn’t Time and Energy… maybe the problem is MONEY. But then again, isn’t it always???

I was hoping that my post this week would be a testament to having given something a try to define myself, even if I failed at it or found that I didn’t like doing it anymore. But life got in the way… a family funeral and other obligations, lots of happenings at work, and the usual housework and other things daily living requires.

I did allow myself to do most things at my own pace. That’s something. I didn’t let the CHAOS that normally defines my life rule it. And I did try ONE of the things I had on my list in the last post… I expanded my mind by doing some of the “Trig for Dummies” book and workbook I have had for a few years. I did it while doing laundry and catching some rays of sunshine on my back deck. That, folks, is called MULTITASKING… which is the only way someone like me can accomplish all that is required and not stay up 24 hours a day 7 days a week. But I only did it for a little while and didn’t give it my full attention. So does that count? I’m not sure.

When I did have some down time that I could have tried something else, I wasted it by playing on FaceBook, Candy Crush, Solitaire, watching TV… mostly MINDLESS things. So, apparently, I missed some opportunities. Why do I do that? Is it because I’m tired? Stressed? Lazy? Unmotivated? Maybe all of the above.

So, my assignment for this week is to try to waste less time and do something productive for me.

I have to admit that I lied just a little bit in my first post. I do remember some of the things I used to enjoy before I became wife, mother, employee… I loved cheerleading and still do, motions and all (but who wants to see a nearly 50 year old fat chick do that!), dancing (ditto on the fat chick observation) and creative writing. I know… why can’t I still do that you say? Well… I write a LOT for my job and, in the evenings, my brain is usually to worn out to really put thought into writing a novel, short story or other piece. I used to love playing piano as well but I don’t have one now and have probably forgotten all the things I used to know about it.

Like I said in the first post, I have tried taking up a few more age appropriate (and physical fitness appropriate) activities through the last 10-15 years. I am going to make a list of them. And then, in an effort to shame myself into giving something on the list another try, I am going to document the excuses I have told myself and others about why I don’t do them anymore. I’m hoping this will be the equivalent of the process that a 12-step program uses to “admit you have a problem” and “identify the barriers”. Then, maybe I can choose one or two and give them another try. My goal? To find something to do to define MYSELF and not me as an extension of my husband or daughters.

I have plans to document other issues as well, the challenges I have faced in caring for my husband’s disabilities over the last few years, my need to excel at my job at the expense of my health and mental wellbeing, my devotion to providing a “great childhood” for my daughters, and my own personal insecurities over who I am physically and emotionally. This post is just a small facet of that last topic but there is so much more.

So, without any further procrastination or explanation, here is my list of things I have tried over the years (in no particular order):

Yoga

Cross-Stitching

Cooking/Baking

Walking in the Evenings

Studying a Science or Trignometry

Gardening

That list seems pretty harmless and enjoyable to most of you, right? (Well, you might have raised your eyebrow just a little on #5 but all in all, pretty normal stuff.) Now for the harder part… admitting to the excuses I’ve given through the years. Here goes:

Yoga: I can’t bring myself to do it in “public” like a class or something because I don’t like others to watch me make a total fool of myself in some of those “positions” (even my own family), so I got a DVD intended for senior citizens called “Easy Yoga for Arthritis”. It was truly easy and the instructor explained things well. I recommend it as a nice way to get started. BUT… I didn’t feel the “Namaste” feeling that everyone who is “into” yoga felt… maybe my brain is too jammed with worry, stress, responsibility, etc. to relax and let go. I am also a bit lazy… to avoid my family watching, I would have to do it early in the morning before they get up and I really enjoy my sleep way too much. To get up 30 minutes earlier (or more if I did the whole DVD) to do it only worked for about 3 days… then I was hitting the snooze button and then just not setting the alarm earlier to do it.

Cross-Stitching: This one I blame on my vision and aging. I started learning to cross-stitch in my 20s and did a few small projects like Christmas tree ornaments and wall hangings for my baby’s room. Then I got busy with motherhood and didn’t do it again for a long time. In 2001, I found myself having to travel for work for 11 weeks so I started a large project, a full sized Monopoly board that can be framed or put under glass and used to play the actual game if desired. I got a LOT done on it during those 11 weeks. Then, when the travel was over, I worked on it more while my kids attended various sports practices (softball, cheerleading, basketball, etc.) I guess I got it about halfway done during that year. Then… I hit 40 and started needing BIFOCALS. But, even with the bifocals, the very small holes in the cross-stitch fabric were a challenge to see and I was having to hold the stupid cloth about 2 inches from my eyeball to find it (which is DANGEROUS!) so I never went back to it. I would love to finish it but even with updated bifocals, I just can’t see the darned thing well enough to do it. And again, I’m lazy… I would rather mindlessly play solitaire on the computer than do something that requires thought and effort in the evening after a long day at work. Weekends? I’m pretty much a SLUG on the weekends. Getting the weekend chores done takes what little effort I can force myself to put out.

Cooking/Baking: I LOVE to eat. I love scouring the cookbooks or internet for recipes. I love to mix the recipe up and create it. But… I hate to shop for ingredients (or actually, part with the money to make something expensive or not necessary to a meal that feeds my family) and I HATE cleaning up afterward! Cooking dinner is one thing… necessary to nourish my family and not as much fun as cooking for “fun” is… but just can’t bring myself to spend the money to cook for fun except at the holidays with the grandkids and daughters and stuff.

Walking in the Evenings: I KNOW I should… my DOCTOR says I should… but I’m so tired after work and by the time we figure out dinner (usually that’s what I’m greeted with… “What are we doing for dinner”) and either cook it and clean up or go out, it’s too late to walk. But… lamer than that… I am SPOILED. I really don’t enjoy walking anywhere but in Ritter Park in my home town. Growing up in that beautiful setting, walking along the roads in the town I live in now just doesn’t do it. I also have some knee issues which I am sure walking would help but I’m not self-disciplined enough to work through the pain to get there. I know… WIMP.

Studying a Science or Trignometry: I used to love astronomy and did some things with my dad growing up. I didn’t do well in high school biology though so I didn’t take anything that I didn’t have to. I also got out of taking an advanced math class in high school because I already had enough math credits to graduate and I got the opportunity to do an unpaid but graded internship at a local TV station so Trig was one of the classes I dropped to get to do it. Now I have a renewed interest in developing my mind but I’m too lazy to even do the “Trig for Dummies” book and workbook I bought for my youngest daughter when she had to take Trig in high school. I do watch a lot of Science Channel stuff on space and the universe but it’s not like studying it. Truth is… I’m too lazy and don’t have the self-discipline to self-study anything even though I really want to. Even watching the Big Bang Theory hasn’t lit a fire under my butt enough to make me take action. I think about it frequently but I just never do it.

Gardening: I have a “brown thumb”… not quite black because I can usually keep things alive most of the growing season (summer into fall around here). Mostly my excuse is spending the money to buy the plants. I can think of many bills I should be paying with that money instead of just spending it on something that will die in the late fall/early winter. I do have one of those Aero-Gardens in my kitchen to grow basil and herbs that I use to cook but even buying the seed pods for that seems to slow the process. Just can’t make myself do it very often.

So… there ya have it folks. My excuses are mostly lame, sometimes due to money but mostly just due to “inaction” on my part. I didn’t say they were going to be GOOD excuses. But maybe, now that I have forced myself to admit the excuses, I can shame myself into saying that they aren’t GOOD excuses and get off my lazy rear end and do something.

When I was 18 and fresh out of high school, I was going through some tough times. But at least I had “interests”.

Well… very soon I met my future husband, got married, had a baby, dropped out of college, and became “wife and mother and employee” and started to lose who I was and what I liked to do for myself. Everything revolved around my husband, children, extended family and job. I only kept in touch with a very few friends and even then, it wasn’t “my friends” but the families of my husband or kids’ friends, or friends at work. It wasn’t until around my 20-year high school reunion that I realized that I didn’t have a real connection to anything in my life before age 18 that wasn’t family related. My daily activities related to job, kids and husband’s activities (mostly sports and school related).

Through the next couple of years I started reconnecting with some of my friends from school, got a FaceBook and reconnected with more, and started trying to remember what I used to enjoy doing. I struck out horribly. I really can’t remember what those things were.

Then I tried to find something I enjoyed doing now but so far, no luck. And I think it’s because I really don’t know who I am personally. I am an extension of the other people in my life.

But I’m not giving up… I’m gonna keep trying out things and maybe one day I will find me. This blog is going to allow me to document that process.