Holiday Sex Toy Gift Guide

We may finally be reaching the point that sex toys are common in American bedrooms. Gone are the days of pretending a Brookstone “back massager” is actually for your back. Nowadays, pretty much everyone knows that Hitachi is a wand of immeasurable pleasure. That’s a good thing; that’s a damn good thing. Life is too short not to get off. These sex toys will help you get there. Wherever it is you want to go.

Doesn’t matter if you celebrate Christmas, Kwanzaa, Chanukah, or Boxing Day, we’ve got just the present for you. After scouring online reviews, poring over products lists, and flipping through forum posts, we’ve gathered a Holiday Gift Guide for Sex Toys for the sexually adventurous.

This may go without saying, but do not share your sex toys.

- Dr. Ava Cadell, certified sex counselor

Novelties

First off, is a gift that’s intimate, but also good for you buddy who wins your fantasy football league. Nothing says “Happy Holidays, asshole!” quite like a blow-up barnyard-animal sex doll. Just wait till you see your buddy’s face when he tears open the wrapping paper and sees an “inflatable party sheep” winking back at him with her/his rubber eyes. It’s a great gift for any football fan … not just the dude who loves the Rams.

Yes. It’s a kit that you use to clone a pussy out of chocolate. Okay, we’ve all been there, the dude you’re living with is going through a dry-dick phase. This is just the gift for him. It’s the perfect gift for those times when you want to eat pussy and there’s no pussy around. Only trouble … you do need a vagina to make the chocolate mold. Maybe this is a better gift for that cool lesbian couple upstairs.

It’s a candy cane sock for his cock! Perfect for holiday gatherings, romantic get-aways and holiday gift card photos. Is Steve wearing a candy cane sock or is he just happy to see us? Who even cares. Don’t just deck the halls … now you can deck your balls.

She thinks you never listen to what she cares about and what she likes? Well, if you know your girl loves candles, have we got a candle for you – it’s a mold that allows you to make a candle in the exact shape of your dick. One tip: shave and trim before you use the mold, otherwise it’s more of a bikini wax-job with a candle to remember it by.

Going one step further it’s the … Make Your Own Dildo kit! What a perfect way to spend a wintertime weekend. It’s a DIY dildo shop. If you act now, you could give out anatomically-accurate pussy-pleasers for presents this year.

Don’t forget to buy lubricant, which can make toys smoother and silkier (especially if you’re going to insert them).

- Dr. Ava Cadell, certified sex counselor

Lubes, Sprays, Ungents & Potions

Most folks underestimate how much some lube can change your life. For some women, it’s the difference between an orgasm and oh, not tonight. Guys, you ought to get in the habit of keeping some lube on hand – both for her needs and yours. We also have some sexual enhancement products to make things smoother, hotter … and numb.

Some couples like to bring the kitchen into the bedroom. That’s sexy. Well, here’s a way to have your pussy and eat it, too! Chocolate-flavored lube! For a hint of holiday fun when you’re stuck sneaking sex at her parents’ house – whip out the chocolate lube and keep things tasty, while you try to keep the squeaky bed quiet.

How can you resist something called the China Brush Home Party? Like, what the hell is that? Well, we don’t exactly know. Supposedly, it’s a balm that enhances orgasms by decreasing penis sensitivity. According to reviews of the product, if you experience a burning sensation … it’s supposed to feel like that. One question we have: what woman wants a dude with a burning dick to come anywhere near her? But Chinese emperors and their concubines swear by it. All we can say for certain: it’s all-natural.

We didn’t have the luxury to road test all of the genital desensitizers on the market, but this one is very popular with guys who need their dick a little number to last a little longer. If you have a cousin, friend or co-worker who’s confided in you that they wish they had more stamina … be a real bro and hook ‘em up with Stud 100. You might see a change in them greater that the switch of the Grinch. Suddenly, your cousin sullen Sam is all smiles … thanks to you and Stud 100. Plus, how often do you get to say genital desensitizer?

You never want to insert an anal sex toy into the vagina (or vice versa) after using it.

- Dr. Ava Cadell, certified sex counselor

Vibrators

All right, pay special attention to this section. Like, seriously, a vibrator will help you learn all sorts of highways and byways, avenues and backroads to a woman’s clitoral stimulation. Just as a dog once helped a man hunt, a vibrator helps you find new, more lasting pleasures.

A Little Advice on Giving a Vibrator as a Present:

Good for a woman who you already know like thatBad for a co-worker, especially your bossMaybe a good gift for a Secret SantaGreat gift for your girlfriend/wife (nothing says you care like the gift of a vibrator)

There’s nothing wrong with giving someone the gift of some pleasurable me-time. Just be smart about who—if sexual harassment could be an issue, maybe get them mulled cider and be done with it. Save the vibrator for your cousin, the single mom complaining about her dry spells at Christmas dinner.

If this vibrator had a first name, we’re pretty sure it would tell you, “It’s Britney, bitch!” Let your gurl know she’s special by getting her this Crystalized vibrator that comes standard with a USB charger. It’s a bedazzled techno-pleasure wand for the girl-on-the-go looking to get herself a big “O” ftw. Basically, this vibrator is like Vegas for a vagina.

Imagine you and the woman in your life are enjoying a night-out, and then, casually, with the press of a button you give your partner a hit of some secret pleasure. That’s the promise of this pussy-pleaser. It’s a vibrator she can wear in her panties for a night on the town. It comes with a remote … and after a little stimulation, she will, too.

With a nickname like “the Cadillac of vibrators,” you expect a smooth and powerful ride. This vibrator delivers. When it comes to user reviews, you can not beat the Magic Wand. One reviewer, GivesMeJellyKnees wrote: Holy lord of thundering orgasms, this thing reduces me into a quivering, whimpering puddle of pleasure in seconds. In case you were wondering … reduced to a whimpering, quivering puddle is what you want.

Imagine a vibrator that’s a simple lil’ handheld pleasure machine that works based on how hard you squeeze it. That’s the beauty of the Minna Ola. It even has squeeze memory. (Yes, that’s a thing.) It remembers how much vibration you like based on how hard you grip it. You give it a squeeze and then vibrate your way to an orgasm. Minna Ola’s got you, boo. You just go ahead and fall back into that orgasm.

Each sex toy has it’s own cleaning protocol, depending on the material used. Non-porous toys, like hard plastic, glass, acrylic or silicone, won’t absorb fluids and can be safely disinfected with dish soap and water. There are also manufactured sex toy cleaners, but when in doubt, follow the manufacturer’s instructions.

- Claire Cavanah, co-founder of Babeland

Cock Rings and Masturbation Sleeves

If he doesn’t do BDSM, there are basically two big gifts to buy a guy: cock rings and masturbation sleeves. Neither are what you would call casual gifts you get a friend or a co-worker. We recommend you only get these gifts for your close friends, partners or someone with whom you openly discuss masturbation, otherwise, just like with the vibrators, you can get into dicey legal ground pretty quickly.

This product is very simple to use, but not widely understood. A cock ring, essentially, keeps a dude’s dick hard by restricting his blood flow. Slip the ring down around the base of your shaft, or else all the way down the shaft and pull the testicles forward and rest the ring behind your balls so that your cock and balls are bunched together like a bouquet bound by the ring. And when you slide it on … lube is strongly recommended.

Some guys don’t want the shine and weight of metal, and if that’s the case, go with the more laid-back rubbery feel—both will keep you stiffer than a oak tree. The silicone cock ring offers more give and flex, which can be a good or a bad thing, depending on what’s going on. Some men feel that metal pinches or bruises them. There are also leather models. Either way, cock rings are cheap enough you can buy one to try and it’s basically the price of a movie ticket.

This product is basically a dildo you wear like a condom and it comes in two colors. White and brown. Which one do you think costs more? That’s right—the dark one. Go figure. Regardless of any racial implications of a penis extender, we recommend them purely because of the reviews. Like this gentleman who screamed his in all-caps:

I DIDN’T TELL MY WIFE THAT I BOUGHT ONE, SO WHEN I USED IT ON HER THE FIRST TIME, WE BOTH GOT SURPRISED, SHE COULDN’T CONTROL HERSELF FROM HAVING A “SCREAMING ORGASM”.

Settle down, buddy. We get it, you’re both very excited.

Masturbation Sleeves

This is a sex toy for the man who loves NASCAR and jerking off. It’s a very powerful, highly-engineered fuck toy for your dick. The name is ridiculously masculine: the power piston multi-speed masturbator pump. Try to say that three times quickly. When it comes to masturbation sleeves, this one sounds … the fastest!

Okay, this is, essentially, a fake, rubber mouth you stick your dick into … while you imagine fucking a real live human being. As unsexy as that sounds, it does boast an easy-grip coating so when your hands are lubed you won’t keep dropping your masturbation sleeve. That’s good. You want that.

Finally, we come to the name you know: The Fleshlight. It’s the flashlight you fuck. It’s the industry standard. Now, you can customize your fleshlight. Not only do you pick the color, but you can pick the rubbery insides, too. Hop online and you can scroll through pages of options. Do you prefer a super-tight grip … with or without grooves? Or, how about lil bumps? You like more of a twisting action like the rifling you’d find inside the barrel of a gun? They offer that. Do you like to feel like you’re having sex with someone with a raging case of hemorrhoids? Well, they’ve got that option, too. They’ve got you covered. You really have to see it for yourself – Build Your Own Fleshlight.

Don’t put all of your sex toys together in a box, because they may get stuck together. Pack them individually.

- Dr. Ava Cadell, certified sex counselor

Stocking Stuffer

We saved the best for last! As FOX News likes to say, “He’s the reason for the season…” and now you can shove him up your ass!

It’s the perfect holiday gift for any self-righteous asshole. This company also sells a dildo called the Jackhammer Jesus. There are options for your sexual blasphemy. One of our favorite sexperts, Kara Sutra, wrote a wonderful review recounting all the holiday fun you can have when you shove Baby Jesus up your ass. We’ll take her word for it.