Yesterday, I sat down to rock and nurse you, thankful for the reprieve from your fussing for a minute. Feeling a little stressed out, I habitually started stroking your hair thought about all that was on my plate: how we still had to go grocery shopping before 8 p.m.; your dad wasn’t feeling well in the next room, but I really needed his help; dinner had to be made, and you had yet to nap even with me trying periodically to get you down.

*Sigh* A lot.

But then I pictured my younger, teen self getting to glimpse this moment somehow. What would she see? What would she think?

Woke up today after experiencing Nurse-ageddon, a shell of a human being. Autumn was either on the boob or stirring for it. Bahhhhhh.

Nate watches her most mornings for a couple hours so I can sleep (6-8, usually).

I emerged from my room starving (forgot to eat dinner the night before) and “ugh”ed to myself seeing that the kitchen was a mess and remembering we needed to buy groceries. Grappling in a frenzied fashion for the gluten-free cereal I gave a groggy half-smile to Nate whom I heard singing to our music-loving Autumn but the song didn’t register.

You let out a cry during your nap. I went to you, but hesitated a bit to see if you might settle back into sleep. Your breathing quickened so I tried to nurse you – it wasn’t working.

I took you to our chair hoping I could rock you back to sleep and continue this too-short nap.

While rocking, I recall something Elizabeth Foss wrote: about how, in answering our baby’s cry and providing it comfort, the baby learns that the caregiver is a safe place.

& I question if I’m a safe place for you: We ‘Gentle Parent’, and I’m so glad that we keep you close, respond to you, and treat you with respect. Your words and actions have meaning to us; They hold weight. And we pray that in parenting you this way – a way we believe reflects how our Heavenly Father parents us – that we’re building a solid foundation for a strong relationship with you. One that makes it easy for us to be trusted and one that’s more easily transferable to a relationship with Him.

In the stillness and quiet, I’m wondering if it’s in the back-and-forth, swaying motion; the humming; and pushing through the ache and pain, that I become that safe place. I’m so tired, and I really do wish you would just go back to sleep. But I also trust that there’s a miracle happening here:

As you’re learning that I’m a safe place, Jesus is making it so. He’s here; sourcing me and gracing us; strengthening our bond.

Tying us closer together.

You’re learning, and I’m becoming.

I love the way you perch your chubby foot on top of mine; drape your little arm across your head, over your eyes. Your breathing has steadied and your tiny weight sinks into me and as we rock.

If you saw my last post, you know why I haven’t been able to blog a lot this month. But thankfully, even during Nap-agedon, We were still able to grow as people and reach out in Christ.

Socially
-The amount of playdates lessened while we tried to figure out Autumn’s natural sleep time. But we still managed to make some more friends. : D
-Nate and I to a Baby Wearing Meeting, found out there’s an Attachment Parenting group for Dr Who fans and made some friends there too : ) Physically
-The first have of the month, workouts took a total nose dive: all of my spare time was spent reading about infant sleep, trying to get Autumn to sleep, and trying to sleep myself. Ha
-Read Every Body Matters by Gary Thomas and it helped motivate me to get back to it. Along with Dr. Sears’ infant sleep book that was AWESOME and talked about the benefits of working out and sleep for moms that I hadn’t considered.
-Nate took an introductory class on Kung Fu!
-Autumn learned how to crawl! And pull herself up! And take steps while holding our arms! This from the girl who didn’t learn to turn over until she was 6.5 months old! I guess she’s kinda like her mama – nothing and then BAM 😀

{We were (quietly) cheerleading}

Emotionally
-As hard as it was to work on not letting my emotions take over before this month, it was *worlds* harder while struggling with sleep deprivation. I know this will always be a process littlered with ups and downs, but I’m comforted in know that change is happening. And even more comforted knowing that God sees me the way He sees Jesus. (Can we talk about how greatful I am that that’s apart of His plan?)
-My biggest hope right now is to get the point were I don’t become so faint-of-heart while facing a challenge. I’ll never be a “go with the flow” kind of person, but I know as a Believer I have access to Power and victory, and am more than a conqueror.
-The boy in this post y’all.

Spiritually
-Read Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas and it was so good! I love hearing about parenting from the perspective of past Christians during a part of time when they didn’t have as many distractions, but definitely didn’t have more time ( by that I mean, the time that we save by not having to go out and gather eggs, I whittle away on facebook . . . .)
-Looking at Colossians 1:24-29 as if I’m Paul and Autumn is my ministry.
-Digging into how Genesis 3, Matthew 4, and 1 John 2 connect. Seeing how Satan follows a pattern that appeals to our sin nature: Uses our fallen nature to entise us with things we need, but may taken in abudnance or from the wrong places, things we see and strive to taken but aren’t really gifted to us from the Father, and how we use these things or our own ambition to try to impress others.

Kingdom Speaking
-Autumn and I met with the director at a local Pregnancy Crisis Center! I was really worried about how this was going to go (Morgan, are you serious. You can barely see straight some days, why are you adding something else to your plate. You have enough going on right now) – but there’s no harm in trying. And I want to be useful for Him.

Other/Fun
-Have you heard of the store Tree House? We went there on Father’s day and fell in love. Wanted to buy everything, there’s really no point until we have land ; ( But we did pick up some plants for our place : )
And this last one for kicks haha

Didn’t think too much of it before, but going a week without a lot of sleep changes you.

I haven’t been writing nearly as much as I’d like to because my days have been spent caring for a 7 month old who’s in a lot of pain and really wants all her mommy’s attention. I used to be able to write while she was being worn, but she’s hating that too! haha

So most of my free time (when she’s not napping or outside at the pool or getting the mail with Nate) has been tied-up:

Reading about baby sleep.
Trying to get Autumn to sleep.
Sleeping myself.

But I’m taking notes! And we seem to be on the upswing so I’ll write about what’s been working for us and what hasn’t, and share some great posts I’ve found along the way.

I miss having this creative outlet, but man, I love this little girl. And once I stopped mourning the loss of time I’ve been experiencing and remembered that I’m her whole world, favorite person ever, and meal-source (haha), I feel honored and special and it makes me glad to be there for her.

Morgan (loves to) Reid

p.s. If you have any advice on teething or can relate to this experience, I’d love to hear about it : )

Morgan Reid

I'm wife and mama learning how to love Jesus, and love on others the way He does.
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Into crunchy and natural living; mindful parenting; social justice; and environmental advocacy. I like anything domestic (decorating, fabric arts, etc), Monet's art work, photography, ASL, and having real connections with other humans. (:
Currently living in Austin, loving all the 'weird.' Counting gifts and enjoying God. ‡
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MBTI: xSFJ. Enneagram Type 6.