A day in the life we are forced to live

Along the life we were forced to live we have met many wonderful people. People we will never forget. People we suffered with, treated with, grieved with.

One of our friends and fellow comrades lost their daughter, Sydney to this horrid disease in March, 2010. She explained how the day to day life is after your loss:

Faking it until we make it firmly explains how we are and have been dealing with this life for many years now..

We march along…doing all the necessary things…functioning like “normal” people…all the while living with this incredible weight…So, we basically fake it….we fake being like “normal” people…we go out, do things, interact with people..do all the things that society expects of us but it’s not real..not really…because inside we are carrying such a heavy burden..it can never leave you..no matter how you try…the fear when they are in treatment..and then the pain when they are gone..

So we fake it…

You have to look at more than just the words here…That doesn’t mean that all of our interactions with people are fake…that our smiles or laughter is fake..and especially that our love is fake….It just means that we learn to live…by living..It simply means that we are hurting…much much more than most people want to hear about or can handle…it is our burden…so we smile and live and function until the pain is a little less and those smiles feel a little less forced..the tears just a little less close to the surface..

We fake it until we make it…

Which is what we are doing now…we are hurting…we are grieving soo incredibly hard..but we are living and one day we will make it…one day the pain will be bearable..

Which is what we are doing now…we are hurting…we are grieving soo incredibly hard…but we are living and one day we will make it…one day the pain will be bearable…

We have been busy “faking it”…We went to Ohio and spent a week with our family which was initially soo hard to do…We have never made a trip without Sydney and it felt very very weird…like we were leaving her behind and it took everything I had to drive those hours without her with us….but, we did it and it was exactly what we needed…I feared that I wouldn’t be very good company as you just never know when the grief will hit you and you can’t function..and being at someone else’s house, you can’t get away and fix yourself…but, it was ok…there were some tears but lots of laughter and it was great for Baillie to be around all of her cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles…

We have been to West Virginia twice and also went to Nashville to take Baillie to see Justin Bieber in concert…That was fun!!! ; )

Baillie just started 8th grade and loves it already!!! I cannot believe that she will be in high school next year!!!! Wow!!!!! It hurts me so bad sometimes that she is now an only child..There are 5 of us so maybe that is why it hurts me so bad…we have all always had each other and I keep thinking who does Baillie have?? I know she has us, but there is just nothing like your siblings, especially when you get older and learn to appreciate each other more and get really close…Again, this is just something that we will all have to adjust to…There will be no more children for us and there is just nothing to be done about it…

Our sweet Abby would have been 12 years old on the first of September.. She was born at 9:01 am on 9-01-1998…I have thought about her a lot more lately…Thinking about the fact that she now has a sister in heaven with her…and imagining the time they are having..those two dark haired girls…heads bent, whispering,laughing,playing together…what a time they must be having!!!!!!!

But, boy do I miss them!!!!

Today we hurt…

Tomorrow we will most likely hurt…

And the day after that…

so until then…

We will…Fake it until we make it…

Love you all…who still love us…who still think of us…who continue to remember the sweetest of girls!!!!!