“Straight ako when I was in high school, but now…”

I am fond of reading your blog.
I am Ayan. Straight ako when I was in high school, Iâ€™m sure of that. Marami akong naging girlfriend nun. Until one time, I need to have a tutorial in Math because of my low grades. so i went to my tutor’s apartment at around 6pm. he is one of the best math teachers in my school by that time, but he didn’t handle our class. i am well-known in our school, that’s why he offered me his help. Malakas ung ulan nung gabing nun, i didnt bring my umbrella so i got wet.. when i entered his apartment, he told me to take off my clothes baka daw sipunin ako. hinubad ko naman kasi ok lang naman siguro un parehas naman kaming lalake, walang malisya un.

Thank you for sharing your story. Alam ko, mahirap ang kalagayan mo. It’s tough feeling confused. On the other hand, I hope you realize that confusion is there precisely because there are choices available for you. It’s not because you are stuck, or do not have any choice — you do, and you are the only person who has the power to make that choice. You can decide to go straight, or gay, or whatever way you want. In that decision, dear Ayan, as many of us went through something similar, you do it on your own. Ikaw yan, sa iyong buhay yan. But, let me tell you that as you are making your decision, you can ask for help. By writing this letter to me, I can see that you have made one good step already. Another step you might want to consider is talking to a professional counselor. If you are interested, I know of someone from Ateneo who can help you through professional counseling. He does it especially for those going through similar questions of sexual preference as yourself. I’ve talked to him and he said he can help you. Let me know if you are interested.

Meanwhile, I would suggest for you to keep in mind that what you’re going through is not something abnormal or dysfunctional. You’re good. What happened to you and your Math tutor may be the source of your homosexual feelings and leanings now, but, let’s accept that what’s done is done, di naman natin kayang ibalik ang nakaraan. Ang importante, okay ka ngayon, at puwedeng maging mas okay pa sa darating na panahon. I hope you really consider talking to a professional counselor — he’ll be able to give you more specific advice on how best to tackle your situation. For now, smile, and rest assured that there are trustworthy people who are willing to support you if you allow them to. Be well!

Siguro my life would be the exact opposite if it wasn’t screwed up by some people in my past… I guess your 19 now but your still a kid… I hope your OK now. Just remember, whatever option you choose doesn’t matter as long it’s yours. 🙂

In terms of fluidity of human sexuality, I agree with Niel or Dr. Niel (I donâ€™t know the proper way to address the counseling psychologist). Indeed, Ayan is still young and on the process of developing his gender identity and sexual orientation. I also believe that itâ€™s important for Ayan to keep an open mind and be more lenient on himself while exploring his issues. Sometimes we become very rigid in categorizing ourselves within socially constructed identities that we have internalized. I hope that Ayan will not condemn himself because of the ambivalence and confusion that he is currently facing. On the other hand, although itâ€™s good to explore things, we also have to be mindful of safety issues and possible consequences of our actions. For Ayan, I personally believe that the sexual abuse that happened to him maybe a factor for his current issues, but itâ€™s not an ultimate determiner of his sexual identity. The trauma of sexual abuse may have resulted in negative outcomes but certainly is not a predictor of sexual orientation. I also agree on the notion that it is an interconnected web of life-long issues and biological and experiential/environmental factors. Ayan is only 16 and is still on adolescent stage. I guess many major changes will still take place and more realizations will occur. And to process these issues, I think having counseling sessions with Niel will be of great helpâ€¦and doc Niel, kindly give Ayan a discount ha? hehehehe. joke.

AYAN,
u are now in confusion because of that pervert man.
if u still have time, stay away from homosexual lifestyles, ask a professional psychologist..
mahirap ang buhay ng bakla weather patago or out!
rejection is everywhere!
kayanin mo pa, with God’s help, stay away from pornography..

well, ayan, you should have sued that teacher for that….that is already a sexual harassment in nature and part of child abuse. that incident had ruined some parts of you personality (if not all). and now you are confused of what you are now. whatever it may be, just be it…you need some counsellings to help you in your problem…

hindi ko nagustuhan yung ginawa ng math teacher mo. nararapat lang na kasuhan siya. the gay math teacher should have been more careful to control himself. another case of MOLESTATION. dapat inisip niyang BATA KA/MENOR DE EDAD. and your future might be ruined because of his act. this will cause trauma to you forever if you would let that incident destroy your life. you really need professional help. pray lang ayan and be strong.

It’s sad that people such as that perverted math teacher of Ayan’s still exist. Isa siya sa mga dahilan kung bakit nawawalan ng tiwala ang ibang mga magulang sa mga bading na dapat sana ay gagabay sa kanilang mga anak. If I did my math right, Ayan was just 13 when this happened. Kedemademanda talaga. I find some loopholes in his story though. Whatever it is you are feeling now, Ayan, I hope you’re not blindly pointing fingers. As always, Migs is right, you might need professional help.

Ayan, I’m a gay guy and it feels great! I was straight “Before,” have had several girlfriends “before” as well, and it feels great! The question is, what do YOU want? Be straight or be gay? Migs gave you a good advice; you experiencing that Confusion is the start, the next step is by choosing your next path- straight ave or gay st? If you really don’t want to be gay, with all due respect, go.

We’ll pray for you to be enlightened with whatever path you choose.

and please, imagine if what you’re going through right now will pass on to the next generations of students that you left in your school; file a case against him! you’ve seen all the comments…

God bless and thanks for sharing!

and Migs, for everyone reading the net, thanks for being our net-angel.

Zemansky – being gay is not a choice. its fate.
and for that teacher.. I do hope matauhan ka sa nangyari lalo na its against the will of your student. sana nilandi mo na lang yan after he graduated. at least your morality is not questioned na and the gravity of impact is not that condemning

hey. im 17 and confused too. if you could choose dude, choose to be straight. you’re not meant to be gay. and and and there are less struggles and more acceptance. that’s the reality fellas so don’t criticize me for it. I just hope that the teacher rot for destroying ur life. dammit i love the calculus. screw him 4 giving it such a bad name. Xoxo

To Ayan: You’ll make it through. Label lang naman yung pagiging straight or gay. Hindi talaga ito importante. Ang mahalaga, kilala mo ang sarili mo and you must understand that the bad things or experiences that happened to you does not define who you truly are. It was never your fault, yun dapat tandaan mo. Kaya mo yan… it may take time for you to sort out your thoughts but I’m sure, this experience will make you a much stronger person. It took me a while to get over my similar experience and I must admit, minsan napapaisip pa rin ako na kung hindi rin nangyari sa akin iyong naranasan mo, bading kaya ako ngayon? But then I realize that what’s important is not the path that lies behind me but the path the lies before me. You’ll make it through.

I feel sorry for you. Not because you’re confused now with your orientation, but because of what happened. I must tell you that you shouldn’t feel bad for whatever orientation you are right now. Now, as for what you should do next. i suggest you sue the Math tutor and go with Mig’s suggestion of seeking professional help

I understand how you feel Ayan. I’m in the same stage right now where i am very confused of my preference though before I am also famous to the girls in our school and had many girlfriends. Though I did not experience the thing that happened to you, I totally understand the “ILANG” factor to the guys on many scenarios. I really don’t know what to do about it, and I am really looking for somebody I can talk about it. I am actually afraid to reveal it to my friends – which means noone knows I’m going through all of this. I am just living my life.

I feel sorry for you. That Math teacher is a rapist, imagine making ” dagan ” to you.

Anyway, that experience had probably awaken ” something dormant ” inside of you ; that will explain your reactions and attitudes nowadays.

At any rate, don’t suppress it, just let it flow. The river will take its course naturally. Meanwhile ,follow Migs advice. Get a professional help. He will be the proper authority regarding this matter. Cheers.

(“kung dati nalilibugan ako sa babae, ngayon parang sa lalake na. naging habit ko na ung panunuod ng gay porn.”)
–this statement only shows that somehow you’re enjoying of what had happen to you!
–its your choice man you just can’t blame a certain person for a thing that you let it to happened( you were forced? ans.? YOUR A DUDE man….. a GROWN UP not a fetus!

Ayan,
That was so wrong and criminal and you were ABUSED! You were very vulnerable and he took advantage of you. I suggest therapy to come to terms with PTSD. Am not trying to make a diagnosis here but it was so wrong. I hope that pervert goes to jail! Walanghiya!

ozzzzzzzz… i guese his math teacher will be able to go to jail.. unless he fuck Ayan… but he only suck.. ^_^.. am.. Ayan will not be turned to a gay if he dont have a blood line of being gay.. hehe anyway.. i can see that ayan are proud to be a gay cause he watching porn… All i want to Advice to you Ayan.. even you are gay dont ever used GIRLS WEAR… just be like a simpleman.. and dont be shy to used sando.. make your self more sexy and there are more, girls or man will love you… make your self look more handsome.. hehe.. yes that is the only way to be happy…

omg!! its a big foul for your math teacher. He should be facing the consequence of his actions. What he did is agains’t the code of ethics for teachers. It is stated in Article VIII (the teacher and the learners) section 5. A teacher shall not accept, directly or indirectly, any remuneration from tutorials other what is authorized for such service. Section 7. In a situation where mutual attraction and subsequent love develop between teacher and learner, the teacher shall exercise utmost professional discretion to avoid scandal, gossip and preferential treatment of the learner.

Many gay teachers are guilty of doing this to their students, and students just keep it to themselves because they are too ashamed to accept the fact that they have been molested, or too confused on what to do. These teachers abuse their authority over their students, some even require sexual favors in order for students to get a passing grade. And the education department seems to do nothing about it! Sino ba taga DepEd dito? Do something to stop this!

I agree with itsonsms, you should have filed a criminal case against that math teacher, he should go to jail for what he did to you. I know its tough, but do it for the reason na he could continue doing that to other students, think about his future victims, and with your silence, nagiging accomplice ka na rin, who knows maging student niya ang younger brother or cousins mo and gawin ulit niya yung ginawa niya sa yo. Now is the best time for you to speak up about what happened, kasi wala ka na dun sa schhool na yun, so di na ganun nakakahiya, unlike what happened to me when I was in grade 6, my scout master sexually harrassed me while we’re on camping, I was sleeping, unaware of what’s happening, and he got caught, by my classmates, they reported him and he got fired, The bad thing is, tinukso ako ng mga classmates ko kahit wala ako alam sa nangyari dahil nga tulog ako. But now, I was glad he got caught, even if naging hellish ang last remaining months ko sa elementary, kasi naexpose ang ginagawa niya, and if it were to me, he should have been given a far worse punishment.

Greetings from a Filipino-American gay guy from the Chicagoland area. I’ve been reading this blog for the past few months, and it’s been awesome having an “inside look” at GLBT life in the country of my blood. Only after reading this letter, however, have I felt totally compelled to respond:

Ayan, NO MATTER WHAT your sexual orientation was, is, or will be, NO MATTER what you eventually decide to settle on for yourself… what happened to you was WRONG. Plain and simple.

I get the feeling that some people mistake fantasies, porn, titillation, etc. for real life. Watching porn, reading erotic stories and the like regarding a situation like this: okay, whatever – it can definitely be exciting and hot. What happened to you, Ayan: now THAT is REAL LIFE, and IT WAS WRONG.

It doesn’t matter if you were out & proud gay, shouting it off from the rooftops: if you don’t want to sleep with someone, YOU SHOULD NEVER FEEL FORCED TO. And coming from a person in a position of authority?!?! I am disgusted. If I were to have heard that this happened to a friend of mine (and especially as Ayan describes it, as in, NOT WANTING IT, or feeling ambivalent), I would’ve pressed charges! Jesus freaking christ, this was rape, pure & simple.

Now don’t get me wrong: I can see if someone really does want it to happen – then okay, once you hit puberty, you have a sex drive (hell, I definitely know what that was like when I was that age!) HOWEVER, if you say “NO”, then everything should STOP THERE. This type of behavior should NEVER be condoned, no matter what age the people involved are.

Ayan, I truly wish you the best, and I just hope that you don’t let the actions of that pathetic, waste of a f*cking life math teacher of yours negatively influence your views on the GLBT community or gay people in general. The HUGE majority of us DO NOT force ourselves on people who say no. Everyone should be free to explore their sexuality at their own pace.

I had homo experiences before with my bespreyn. I was 13, he was 14. We were “STRAIGHT”. Honestly, it was mere give and take thing. I sucked, to be sucked in return, because the feeling of getting sucked was great. He sucked well too.
That time, i was doing well in academics. Siya naman sa basketball. Ako ung tipong shy type, siya naman ang loud, boisterous one. I caught him many times wanking while smelling the undies of their Maid, at pati maid namin. This is aside from the Boso. He would ask me to join. Yuck. I wouldnt even dare: yung katulong namin was there since birth.

My bespreyn turned out to be str8. He is a certified chick boy. He is now a philandering husband. Wala talang nalalanghap kahit na katiting na gay signal ang radar ko sa kanya. We are still good friends. We shake hands. We hug even. We talk about the past, excluding of course the sexcapade. Nagkakahiyaan na kpag ang topic papunta dun, dinadivert na namin with a smile.

I’m really sorry that this happened to you. Don’t think that all gay men are this way. And most of all, please don’t think that this happened because it was your fault.

In any case, I’ll recommend you seek counseling. But if you wish to explore this side of your sexuality, please engage in safe sex. If you need a friend, you can contact me by responding to this post..