Chief Sports Columnist, Sydney Morning Herald

LA-la-la-la-la. Here we are on another wonderful, controversy-free day in Happy Happy Sports Land. A place where all our games are beyond reproach. Where athletes are cleaner than Mr Sheen's bench tops. Where everyone is so wholesome, nice and just downright lovely they make the cast of Modern Family look like villains from a Quentin Tarantino toe-curler.

In Happy Happy Sports Land, they still wear their yellow wrist bands and proudly Livestrong. They wonder what happened to that charming Marion Jones who blitzed them in Sydney. They are nostalgic about the incredible strength of the great East German shot-putter. Don't the silly sceptics realise she was participating in an early eastern European version of Movember?

The people of Happy Happy Sports Land invest complete faith in their athletes and officials. When those cynics from the Sporting Badlands turn up with their nasty reports, they put their fingers in their ears and shout Oi Oi Oi! until they take their horrid allegations and so-called ''facts'' away.

In Happy Happy Sports Land, The Peptides were a one-hit wonder in the 1980s. Natural performance is already so jolly great there is nothing in Victor Conte's Kelvinator that could make you faster, stronger or higher. The Happy Happy Sports Land leagues do not employ integrity units because they are vulnerable to criminal activity. They pay them to gather figures assuring their sponsors they remain more wholesome than a parish picnic.

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In Happy Happy Sports Land, an entire AFL team being investigated for suspected use of a banned substance would be no big deal. Especially if the team came clean itself. Even if it turns out it wasn't. No, if the team's former champions are confident it was someone elses fault, that would be good enough for the people of Happy Happy Sports Land.

But the people of Happy Happy Sports Land would get cross if the impeccable reputation of their sports was questioned. They would stomp their feet and demand to know why the results of the investigation had not been released. Even before the investigation had started. They would use phrases like ''tarred with the one brush'' and accuse the accusers.

This would be easy because the Happy Happy Sports Land media is very consistent - in its inconsistency. So no one would find it strange if the television networks promoted programs about ''sport's blackest day'', then used them to reassure everyone there was nothing to worry about. No one would ask why, if that was so, the programs were produced.

The people of Happy Happy Sports Land like this because it allows them to reflexively dismiss nasty problems without thinking for themselves - and too much thinking is frowned upon in Happy Happy Sports Land. They have the officials, coaches and players to do that for them. This is particularly useful if these people are from a club under investigation. In Happy Sports Land, the accused are always considered the most reliable source of balanced information.

In Happy Happy Sports Land, it wouldn't seem strange that Australia could play a match against a touring West Indian team while, simultaneously, touring India. Fans would faithfully watch the West Indians take on the Ryobi Cup All Stars, while scanning the results of the match against the Indian Board XI. It would never occur to them that, given Indian first-class cricket now travels in economy, it seemed more like a Bored XI.

Boxing is the No.1 sport in Happy Happy Sports Land. There, Don King is truly king. In the old days, there was just eight world champions. Now there are hundreds. To Happy Happy Sports Lander, this is the sporting equivalent of the miracle of the loaves and fish.

The favourite fights in Happy Happy Sports Land involve active footballers. Other boxers and footballers show only a singleminded dedication. These guys are showing a doubleminded dedication. That makes them twice as good.

In Happy Happy Sports Land, no one would find it odd that Craig Foster claims all soccer's potential problems are overseas, but that soccer is superior because of its links with the rest of the world. And if that's not true, then it's the AFL or NRL's fault.

In Happy Happy Sports Land, jockeys can bet on whichever horse they want. Even if they are in the same race. The people figure that if you can't trust a jockey, who can you trust?

Happy Happy Sports Land is a wonderful place because, well, everything is just swell. So unquestionably marvellous it is a wonder some criminal types, cheats and even those running the sports themselves haven't tried to exploit the naive, unquestioning faith of the fans.

Email- rhinds@fairfaxmedia.com.au

Twitter- @rdhinds

1 comment so far

Couldn't agree more. If I have to listen to one more whinging sports official saying every athletes reputation has been tarred I'm going to explode. Get a grip Phil Gould et al