Your facial hair (or lack thereof) can say a lot about you, but sometimes there’s a difference between what you think you’re saying with it, and what it’s actually telling people.

The Full Beard

What You Think It Says About You: I have written, or am currently writing three to four novels and or screenplays. I think deeply about things, and sometimes I’ll just sit and read, because I like reading. Yeah, that’s something I do. Is your unkempt hipster vagina moist yet? Plus, despite what my emo-swoop haircut may suggest, I’m comfortable with my masculinity.

What It Really Says About You: a)I never got laid in high school, and used to get the shit kicked out of me, then suddenly realized that if I grew a beard, it hid my nerdy face, b)I’ve gotten so much poontang in my life that I’m literally TIRED of banging chicks. Now in an effort to see how ridiculous I can make myself and still get laid, I’m growing this. or c)Don’t open a package I might send to you, and stay the F off my lawn.

Good For: Lumberjacks, the Unemployed/Homeless, Pyschos, Hipsters

Sentence Heard From This Person: "You should listen to this NPR podcast I downloaded."

Who Sports It:

The Goatee

What You Think It Says About You: I’m a little bit straight-laced, and a little bit wild. I can get down to business, but I can also party hard, too. Whatever you want, I’m up for it.

What It Really Says About You: I can tell you who is going to go far in the NHL playoffs, and most likely, if I have sex with you, I’ll leave my socks on. Also, I really want you to look at my mouth, so I circled it in hair.

Good For: Noah the Intern, Youth Group Ministers, Bikers

Sentence Heard From This Person: "Oh man, that shitter is going to remember me."

Who Sports It:

Mutton Chops

What You Think It Says About You: I’m some kind of artist who makes art that’s creative, but also a little bit rebelious.

What It Really Says About You: Ask me about my rebelious, creative art!

Good For: Rock Stars, People with Adamantium Skeletons, Civil War Generals

Sentences Heard From This Person: "The best I can do is just express myself, and hope that it connects with someone, somewhere, and they feel what I feel. Pain."

Who Sports It:

Manicured Scruff

What You Think It Says About You: I’m a relaxed guy who definitely cares about keeping up my appearance, but I’m also relaxed…like I said before. You remember when I said I was relaxed, right? Because I did say that.

What It Really Says About You: Right now, this is the only thing I have in common with Jason Statham, but I’m working on that.

Good For: Construction Workers, Garbagemen, Homeless Guys Who Found a Razor in the Trash Yesterday

Sentences Heard From This Person: "We’re sittin’ there, and the client doesn’t know WHAT the f*&k is going on, and all I can think about is, that new chick from accounting has some tits I’d love to smush my face in, you know what I’m saying?"

Who Sports It:

Clean Shaven

What You Think It Says About You: I care about my appearance, and I paid a lot of money for one of those five-blade razors, so I’m gonna get my money’s worth.

What It Really Says About You: I am afraid to experiment with facial hair, because I have no idea what would happen. It might grow in all patchy and I’ll look like the neighbor from The Burbs or something. It’s better to just avoid it altogether.

Good For: Children, Women, The Terminally Ill

Sentence Heard From This Person: "I’d love to get coffee with you, I just have to finish some work. Shall we say Coffee Bean at 8:30? Tentatively?"

Who Sports It:

The Soul Patch

What You Think It Says About You: I’m hip with the youngsters of today. I understand their television programs, and their music, and their youtubes. I sent a text message yesterday, too. That’s how hip I am!

What It Really Says About You: I’m playing in a 1998 high school baseball game tomorrow.

Good For: Ska Band Trombone Players, Beatknick Poets, Evil Alter-Egos

Sentence Heard From This Person: I just got a hold of this new Rob Thomas album, have you heard this guy? Great rythym."

Who Sports It:

The Chin Strap

What You Think It Says About You: I have the masculinity for a beard, but I’m also concerned about my appearance, and I take the time to make myself look good and manly. Plus, nobody else in my boy band has a beard like this.

Oh man this is priceless I love it. I go between goatee full beard and sometimes clean shaven, and I gotta say I sometimes feel like a douche bag in all three of them, and I’ve got friends with chops and a patch, and they fit those stereotypes perfectly.

And for all the dudes getting defensive, especially the guy who just sounded like he wanted someone to piss on his face, grow the fuck up.

Yuk people take things much too seriously. Look what youre reading…look….look…look right below it…see the greased up ass? Yeah. I see it. Anyway guy who will never read these comments because half the time they make him cry you forgot the mexi-stash, the halfassed, dirty lookin patchy mufuh. The mexistash can be found at clubs across the midwest, mostly on guys in their late twenties grinding on middleschool girls who developed early.

I dont get it nothing not one style wins. Everything you do according to this makes you a jackass or look really stupid. Even if you dont grow anything at all you still lose. WTF who wrote this shit. By far the worst thing i have ever read.

this guy is right u cant win with “mr reason” who is apparently unreasonable about facial hair or the lack therof. you should get someone to write this who at least has an idea of what looks good if you wanted someone to just dis everybody why didnt you get rosanne barr????

Who ever wrote this can’t grow facial hair. This applies to even the clean shaven comments. If you can’t grow facial hair you can’t be clean shaven. Also, if you have to shave, you know that buying a 5blade razor sucks but is necessary.

So clearly you can’t grow any facial hair and are:a) a guy wearing an obscure T-shirt that only he thinks is funny and who never gets laid.b) a guy wearing an obscure T-shirt that only he thinks is funny and who never gets laid.c) a guy wearing an obscure T-shirt that only he thinks is funny and who never gets laid.

THis article pretty much is just pissing on men. Your Damed if you do and Damed if you don’t. I have a beard to determine who my real friends are. And I still get laid plenty. THey piss on having a beard and piss on not having a beard. They are weak girly men. All you city folk have forgot what a real man looks like. You all want to feminize the males of our society. Goes along with all of that sexual choice out there.

So pretty much ANY facial hair has bad connotations . . . but cleanshaven is also bad . . . oh apparently the only ones left are the Abe Lincoln (beard, no mo) or the Fullmo, no beard? I experiment with all these styles and more, including the twin horns- two lines just to the sides of the chin. Yeah. And I just don’t give a fuck what ya think of me!
Great article.

A male? I guess . . . I was going to be like all the other Trolls and say “IT MEANZ YOU IS A FAGGATT!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!” But then I remembered that I’m not 14 years old and a repressed virgin homosexual. Not that there’s anything wrong with homosexuals.

wow, you must think you’re so cool, naming yourself after a dead guy and pretending like you dont care about anything by responding to a compliment to the authors with an insult that makes it seem like you’re trying to seem important. real cool.
*waits for ignorant, stupid come-back from a 3-year old*

this is just insulting people with facial hair. probably written by a guy who cant grow any/or a girl who got cheated on by a guy with a chin strap. good job judging people. nice article *oozing sarcasm*

Fuck you. that is the gayest shit i have ever heard. if you ever think of talkin or postin on this site or any other sitee in your sorry ass life. just don’t. You know why? Because you are a piece of shit and don;t deserve to lick the dirt off my feet you bastard . go suck a fuckin dick you fag

…so you’re saying that if you grow a beard you’re a pretentious douche bag, and if you don’t grow one you’re a wuss?
Why are there so many of these kinds of lists circulating on the internet these days? It’s like all the failure of VH1 is spilling out into the rest of the world.

What You Think It Says About You: I’m a Merchant Mariner and I work twelve hours a day. I don’t have time to shave.

What It Really Says About You: a)I got laid a lot in high school, and I never got the shit kicked out of me. I’ve gotten so much poontang in my life that I’m literally TIRED of banging chicks (I’m jaded, maybe Trannies?).

Good For: Lumberjacks, Merchant Mariners

Sentence Heard From This Person: Fuck you office pussies, you’re not men.

What You think it says about you: I’m a merchant Mariner and I work 3 1/2 hours a day.

What It Really Says About You: a) I never got laid in highschool and thought I was a such a badass because I told the captain of the football team to go away because I was to busy playing with squirt guns and pretending I was a real Marine.
b) I joined the Merchant Marines because I am to much of a puss to join the real marines and my mom said I was a bad ass once after getting beaten up and I had stopped crying.

Good For: Lumberjacks, Hipsters,fags who need to eat shit and die

Sentence Heard From This Person: One time i actually got to fire a gun on my uncles farm when i wasn’t learning how to stand on a boat properly.

I feel a primal need to respond.
However, my responding proves the pointlessness
and un-fulfillment in the response itself, yet
To not respond,
.is a non-response, countermanding my primal need.
I feel the need to respond, I must respond

Please help,

I respond, therefore, proving the pointlessness, and un-satiated fulfillment of the response.

I’m trapped in my own response back-loop!!
I respond, therefore, I am not.

that manicured scruff blurb pissed me off. first you say construction workers and garbage men rock it , than your quote is obviously from some office douche talkin about the chick from accounting.
im gonna grow out my facial just so i cud munch on yer ex girlfriends fish taco until her juice permanately stains it to the point where when we finally meet in person youre gonna recognize exactly what tuna scent is on my upper lip.

wow…..dude after the fish taco….well first NO…..no Fish taco, taco fine….no fish, and second if u had that fish taco your sick A. and not taking a shower or a quick wash to the face….wow, thats bad kid.

MY HUSBAND TIM HAS A GOATEE AND MUSTACHE AND IS HOT AS HELL!!! HE HAS NOTHING TO PROVE TO ANYONE EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT HE LIKES TO LOOK GOOD & HAS WONDERFUL HYGIENE! HOW MANY WOMEN CAN SAY THAT ABOUT THEIR MEN! P.S…YES…HE IS HYGIENIC FROM HEAD TO TOE IF YOU GET MY DRIFT,NOT LIKE SOME HAIRY BEASTS WITH HAIR FLOWING OUT OF THEIR EARS & NOSTRILS,LET ALONE THEIR PRIVATE AREAS!!!!! I LOVE YOU TIM!!!!!!!

Facial hair on guys have been accept for decades and now of the sudden it isn’t? You know, you seem like the type of person who gets uptight and has nothing but contempt for every guy with facial hair. Do you go to every guy with facial hair and scream “get a shave you dirtbag”?

I find it awesome that Brad Pitt is covered by 3 of these categories. But as Andy said, what DO we do with our faces? Chin whiskers perhaps? A Beavis & Butthead “beard?” I guess we’re all doomed to douchebaggery.

OK, so in order to be “cool” to the good folks at holytaco, what ARE you allowed to do with your facial hair? Since shaving clean, beards and absolutely NO type of maintenance is allowed without you being a “douchebag”? Just sayin.

It’s a joke, you moron. If you’re living your life, and deciding what to do with your facial hair based on what the “good folks at holytaco” say, then you’ve got far deeper problems than facial hair fashion. Here’s how you should do: whatever doesn’t irritate your boyfriends’ inner-thighs.

Say, why don’t you fags just keep writing the same cynical bullshit over and over again regardless of the fact that you did it yesterday, the day before, and every other day before that since you launched this titless waste of time you call a ‘web site’?

Those 5 blade razors hack my face to pieces, and I have a very heavy beard, which I’ve recently grown out full.

The funny thing is, I fit in with the some stereotypes for both “what you think it says” and “what it really says”. I really DIDN’T get laid in high school, but did to an almost ridiculous degree pretty much starting right after graduation.

I really AM righting screenplays- well, a screenplay, and I DO sit around reading much of the time, to the point that it’s kinda killed my social life as of late, which doesn’t really bother me, which I suppose is almost like being tired of banging chicks.

That said, I do light wet, unkempt hipster vag. Like the band Volcano the Bear said in their song “Hairy Queen”, ‘distribute her hair with mine!’

Realism is a vagicunt. Must think the world of himself, being so deep and philosophical as to use a screenname from which the nature and plausibility of which is one of the most hotly debated issues in contemporary metaphysics, perhaps even the most hotly debated issue in contemporary philosophy. The question of the nature and plausibility of realism arises with respect to a large number of subject matters, including ethics, aesthetics, causation, modality, science, mathematics, semantics, and the everyday world of macroscopic material objects and their properties. To assume such an exhaustive and complex concept as a screenname illustrates the egocentric paradigm in which “Realism” appears to exist.

I am, in fact, important, cool, and at least ,;”|: this many years older than the 3 year old referred to, for whom you are waiting (which I might add is a pointless and time consuming venture for a realist to undertake).

Anyway, the real reason I came to reply before reading “Realism’s” hate mail was to question if this article basically says that anything done/ or not done with your facial hair leaves one a loser? Is that the verdict? Assuming so, I guess I will just resort to a style not mentioned…the 70′s era flavor saver moustache. Cheers!

Wow I seriously thought I was the only guy who grew his beard just to try and keep the chicks the fuck off.

I say try because it doesn’t work. This one time I went and put ketchup on this girl’s shirt as I sat across from her. I just opened up the ketchup packet and put it on her like she was a fucking burger. She goes “WTF!” and I say “oh, I’m sorry”.

I loved it – desperately needed a laugh after a nasty day at work and just scrolling down the page what I read (and saw)just got funnier and funnier. At the last one, the picture of the penguin completely cracked me up.

this makes me wonder which facial hair the author has as they all are negative. except maybe the mutton chops. maybe he has mutton chops. which are gayer than at least half the other facial hair styles here. funny though. i laughed a couple times

Wow,
Yup Shizzle, this nailed me and my van Dyke to a tree too! I prefer to refer to myself as a “motorcyclist” or a “motorbike enthusiast”. Motorcycling for we with goatees is as much a fassion statement as a mode of personal transport. I only leave my socks on if I happen to be wearing any at the outset of the event. I hope Chuck Norris dosn’t see this…

Wonder how many of the screamers of ‘FAG!’ secretly wonder about what it’s like to suck a great big cock? They certainly do seem to obsess about FAG!s rather a lot, judging from how often they bring them up.

Who ever wrote this is a douche. You bag on every style of facial hair even no facial hair. You must be the biggest loser ever. Let me guess you tried every kind and your still a virgin. Guys, you have facial hair for a reason, have fun with it and you’ll still get laid, exept for the dumbass that wrote all this garbage.

What a shame that I can’t get a date because women are too shallow to date a guy with a bit of facial hair. Well guess what, I’m clean shaven now. So for you women who’ve given me dirty looks because of my facial hair, I hope some guy will reject you for shallow reasons.

Check out my latest impression, “OH GOD I CAN’T GET ALL THESE COCKS OUT OF MY ASS! MY NAME IS HOLYTACO.COM! I AM A WEBSITE THAT AIMS TO BE FUNNY BUT BOILS DOWN TO USING CRUDE RUDIMENTARY COMMENTS AND SAYINGS! OH NO NOW THE COCKS ARE AIMING AT MY FACE AND I CANNOT RESIST GOBBLING ON THEM!