The Story of Easter

As best I can remember.

On a dark and stormy Friday, way back in the year 1492, a young lad by the name of Jesus Marvin Christ was preparing for his execution. He was to be hung on a crucifix until the life drained from his body.

Don’t worry, things get happier…

Right after the whipping part. And the part where they mock him and give him a crown of thorns. And the part where he had to carry his cross up a big hill. And the part where they gave him putrid wine and Jesus was like, “nah, I don’t drink.” Then there was the part where they jabbed him with a spear. And of course there was the whole dying thing.

They called this day “Good Friday” …because of course they did.

Skip ahead, skip ahead… here are the happy bits…

Sunday came. Jesus’ body was just laying in a tomb, being all dead and stuff. Jesus and God were sitting up in heaven watching football. Jesus didn’t know a thing about football and kept asking God annoying questions.

“Farv? I don’t think that’s how you pronounce that. Look at how it’s spelled. I think it is Fahv-ray. And aren’t balls round? They should call it a ‘mini hand-zeppelin’ or something.”

God couldn’t take it anymore, so he decided it was time to resurrect Jesus back to Earth.

Now a lot of people like to joke and say that because Jesus rose from the dead, he must be a zombie.

This is not true.

That is a ridiculous notion.

Absurd.

Offensive, really.

You could not come up with a more preposterous idea.

The more logical conclusion is that God filled his innards with robot parts to reanimate his corpse.

He downloaded his consciousness into a 50 petabyte holographic storage device located in the left butt cheek. I know, the head would have been the more traditional place to put the consciousness, but the robot laser eyes took up too much room.

So robot Jesus activated and sat up in the tomb. It was pretty dark in there, so he turned on his night vision. He came to the entrance and found that some jerk had placed a giant boulder there. Thankfully, God had replaced his nipples with hellfire missiles. Just as he was about to fire, a bunny hopped in front of him. He was like, “Dammit bunny, I almost killed you with my nipple missiles!”

Jesus used his magic finger rays on the bunny. His intention was to magically transport the bunny to safety. Instead, the bunny just sat there and glowed for a while. Jesus hadn’t read the manual for the magic finger rays and didn’t really know what he was doing. All of the sudden the bunny laid an egg.

“Dammit… I must have had it set to decorative egg laying.”

“Why is that even a setting??” the bunny replied.

“I really need to figure out this magic stuff or Dad’s going to start calling me a muggle again.”

Holding the bunny safely under his arm, Jesus fired his hellfire nipple missiles and blasted the stone from the tomb entrance. His disciples heard the explosion and gathered around, staring at the tomb opening. As the dust cleared, a figure could be seen walking forth. Jesus stepped out into the light, looked at his followers, and said, “I’m back, bitchez!”

The people were filled with joy and praised him loudly.

The crowd was gobsmacked with his return. Disbelief quickly turned into exuberance. They all rushed to be at his side. A silence suddenly overcame this gathering of disciples.

One of them, with their voice quivering, spoke to the newly risen Jesus.