The someone I am, in spite of infertility, recurrent miscarriage and failed adoption - and now, the adoption of our son

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Crap It

This is my new 'expletive', which I'm unfortunately getting much opportunity to use. 'Crap it' seems to fit my life quite well. My period is late - Crap it!!!!!

I know why - I ovulated late. My period is usually like clockwork, explaining the utter shock of my infertility diagnosis. There was NO HINT of any problems in my body whatsoever.

I ovulated late due to stress, I'm sure. We had our 2 home study interviews in one week's time, and the flood of emotions as I cleaned my house - you'd have thought they were bringing a baby to our house to stay that week - and I really wanted them to - were surprisingly volatile and sustained for that whole week.

Not to mention during the interviews themselves. Discussing the most intimate details of your life with strangers, no matter how nice they are, is daunting for me. All the most painful moments of my life are out in the open for everyone to read in the home study document. It's alot.

Then we went home for my birthday on July 18. Going home elicits tremendous pain for me, not the least of which is due to having no child to take home to his/her grandparents. As per usual, I cried myself to sleep the first night.

Then there's the Pain From the Past. My father was a very angry man, and while he is different now, he really hasn't changed inside, if you know what I mean. He's white-knuckled it and held it in and beat himself up for still being angry inside, but he has been unable to lay it down at the feet of Jesus. Jesus is the only way this weak woman can make it one step, and my father needs more Jesus. Crap it, I know I surely do.

My PMS has been sustained for almost 2 weeks now. All I've wanted to eat is Z@xby's and cheesecake and chips. Usually I can handle it for a few days, which is normally all it is. But this 2 week thing is killing my motivation to exercise and eat well. And just so you know, my motivation to eat well is very easily killed. Very.

I'm the chocolate girl at work. I always have candy around, in my drawer, waiting to be purchased. I work at a pharmacy in a grocery store, so the options are many. I have very little time to eat, but great need to do so. The public knows I am dangerous without chocolate. So do my co-workers.

To make up for it, I exercise regularly. I have a gym membership - notice I did not say I go to the gym. I used to be very good about it, going 3 to 4 times a week for months. But the heat from this summer, and the varicose vein treatments I've been enduring that have left my legs sore and bruised, have busted my motivation.

Excuses, excuses. I know! I have done some WiiF@t Act@ive workouts. They are challenging and work my muscles pretty well, allowing me to burn more calories at rest! Yea!

Enough already. I need to just get back on it. Me and my swollen, period-late, depressed self. Crap it!!

And I will, right after I have maybe some Za@by's later today. (yes, it really is 3:40 am right now - long story)

So. Period - get here! I know you're out there! And if you're not coming, please let my boobies go! Rarrrr!!

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When you are joyful, be joyful; when you are sad, be sad. If God has given you a sweet cup, don’t make it bitter; and if He has given you a bitter cup, don’t try and make it sweet; take things as they come. Shade of His Hand, 1226 L, Oswald Chambers