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It’s getting to be the Christmas season, and lucky for us we have our first bizarro pop-culture gift. Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta (hey, I just realized they could be Brangelinad as ‘Olivia Newton John Travolta’!) have released a Christmas album together, as far as I know their first collaboration since Grease. And with it comes a video. A video so mystifying it looks like it was a collaboration between David Lynch and the Lifetime network. A video that you, you luck folks, are about to watch. And of course, I have many thoughts on this here video, which I share below. So strap on your seatbelts and clutch your completely heterosexual wallet chains, ’cause here we go!

-I would like to point out that youtube is showing this video with an ad for absolute vodka below it. It knows what you’ll need shortly.

-What is that font? Oh no, you guys. No. Already this is no good – the beginning of this video looks like it was made for a Midwestern 50th anniversary party. Remember when Frank and Mitzie went on that plane that one time? That was so romantic.

-Hey, there’s a car! Nice car. But where are we? And why can’t the camera stop wiggling when it’s staying in one place on solid ground? It looks like it’s thinking about making a break for it. I can’t blame it.

-John and Olivia! Doin’ a little two-step. Remember that two step – you’ll see it about fifty more times.

-Now we’re seeing John through a brown window. Is he in the car from before? What is he smiling at? And most importantly, was that suspiciously plush hairline painted on, or rolled out like astroturf on his head?

-Oh, he’s in a plane!! God I hope the pilots of planes that I’m in aren’t laughing at nobody and singing vaguely country Christmas tunes.

-Although it does really amuse me to think of a cameraman strapped to the outside of the cockpit window completely petrified.

-Okay, so Travolta’s in a plane flying into his hometown, and Olivia Newton-John is in a car driving somewhere, with presents stacked up next to her that will clearly fly away at any moment. Convertibles aren’t so cool if you have to drive them at 5 MPH to prevent present carnage.

-Did anyone think about the fact that it might not be a great idea to have a shot of Olivia Newton-John riding in a car whose license plate says ‘Antique’? Worst. Vanity Plate. Ever.

Check out that plate!

-Why is Olivia Newton John waving?! She’s singing about smiling at people on her street, but we just saw that there’s nobody there, besides the camera rig we just saw reflected in the side mirror. Between JT laughing at his invisible co-pilot and ONJ waving at nothing, these two really are meant for each other.

-Wait, they’re in the car together, then he’s getting out of the plane, and they’ve been dancing together this whole time? Is this video like Memento?!? And WHERE ARE THEY?!!?

-Okay, now Kelly Preston is coming into the airport. Intrigue!! Does she know that her husband is two-stepping with ONJ in some ill-defined alternate plane of existence?

-The whole family seems to be gathering, while TJ and ONJ are singin’ it up in a car. Are they driving to the airport to be discovered by the family? This is about to become the world’s most awkward lifetime movie ever – I’ve got chills, they’re multiplyin’.

-But hey, wait, if they’re driving to the airport, how did John Travolta get out of a plane somewhere else? Was that just someone’s lawn? Is this the better, nicer airport, more appropriate for things like banquets and family reunions?

-Hey! Soldiers!! That’s… totally random?

-Aww, one of the soldiers isn’t a member of this enormous family group. Good thing there’s a sinister-looking cop to welcome him with open arms. I’m starting to think this whole thing is a metaphor. Or maybe everyone’s already dead? Is that the secret? Is there a secret escape hatch? If so, can I use it to get out of this video?

-TJ and ONJ are now dressed in matching outfits and watching ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’. Presumably while the whole family is still busy hugging each other and the armed forces at Limbo Airport.

-Is the ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ reference some kind of clue? Maybe JT and ONJ canoodling is what would have happened if Kelly Preston had never been born? Or this whole video exists to make you wish that you, the viewer, had never been born?

-By the way, video, if you show people doing a two-step for three solid minutes, it’s no longer a two-step. At this point it’s more like a 2,632 step. My kingdom for a time step or grapevine.

-“AND THEN WE’RE GOING TO HIDE AWAY MAKING LOVE ALL NIGHT?!?!” Seriously, John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John, what is going ON in this video?!!? You’re telling each other you’ll “do a little dance for you, I think you’ll like it,” your whole families are meeting at an airport, and you’re watching ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ and then driving away to bang all night? You are getting lumps of coal in your stockings, you two.

-John Travolta just said “and I like it” in a way that I think he thinks is sexy but really makes me want to take a Silkwood shower. It also isn’t helped by the fact that it’s so badly lip-synched. It’s like even his voice is running away from having to say it.

-Sure, just drive away laughing, you two, while your families are forced to dance in an empty airport somewhere.

-You know what? I’m just going to go ahead and blame Scientology for this whole thing.

One Response to “John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John Duet, And They Think You Might Like It.”

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