Wednesday, September 30, 2015

I never wanted my blog to turn into this

My blog has no readers, I get it. But i started it as a project for myself, just to keep myself occupied because i had too much time on my hands and nothing to do with it. I had no plans for it. But i did know one thing. It is not going to be a place for me to rant. Unfortunately that is what it has turned into. At least for the time being. So here goes another rant:

what do you do when you got to make a decision right then and now?

i have to tell my decision by tomorrow evening

my choices

1. going back home, living with mom, no transportation to go anywhere so
basically my life will be hex and watching videos on the internet and
just with too much time on my hands and nothing to do, financially
secure in the sense that i will be a freeloader on the parents. they
have no issues with me being a freeloader on them. in fact, they want it
and make sure my transportation can't be figured out so that i can't do
job, the only people i will ever see or interact with is people the
parents know, there will never be anybody for me outside the internet

2. the possibility, i repeat, possibility, not any guarantee, of a
degree depending on financing, using mom's words "you and i will be
going our separate ways", financially in a mess because i will need to
figure out financing on my own, ability to step foot out of the house on
my own, ability to use public transportation (no access to a vehicle),
possibility of being in paid employment depending if i can find a job or
not

Ethically i guess the first one is what i am supposed to go with... but my heart leans to the second one. Because what i have always wanted in life is to live in quiet peace and dignity and have my own income to support myself. having my own income was something that was always important to me. and i had so many hopes and dreams for myself. i thought i could have a job, my own income, some mental stability and my mental state being in a much better place than it is, have some social interaction other than with people the parents know, eventually getting a pet cat, because seriously, animals are better company than people. i'd love to come home and be greated by a pet cat than any person. it should be an easy decision but it is not. i don't know what to do. overnight is not time enough to make such a decision.