Seven worst father’s day gifts

This post is kind of cheating. The following list of the worst father’s day gifts is actually recycled from a column I wrote two years ago for the Datebook section of the Chronicle. Think of this as one of those “Three’s Company” clip show episodes where the characters sit on a couch and reflect, leading to flashback after flashback.

Chronicle/James Merithew

Don’t let this be you …

That being said, this was one of my favorite column-writing experiences. (The entire fathers-get-shafted column is here.) I spent half a day walking around downtown San Francisco trying to find the crappiest gifts possible for the photo shoot. As a rule, any week that ends with me expensing a ThighMaster has to be pretty good. But mostly I look back and enjoy the totally unchecked rage, which usually doesn’t surface in the finished product of my Chronicle writing. I recall receiving mostly positive feedback, but there were at least a dozen e-mails from people who thought the column was too dark and gift horse mouth-looking and set a bad example. So be ready for that.

Full disclosure: I made the coupon, not my kid. I thought this would be pretty obvious with the creative misspelling and such. But I have it hanging on my wall at work and several people have said, “Oh how cute … did your son make that for you?” No, actually a 36-year-old man drew it …

Here are my choices for the seven worst father’s day gifts. Yours in the comments …

World’s Greatest Dad T-shirt ($9.99)

It seems contradictory for a store to have shelves that are filled with World’s Greatest Dad T-shirts, hats and mugs. Shouldn’t there be just one of each? And what happens when two fathers wearing the World’s Greatest Dad T-shirt run into each other? Do they have to fight to the death?

Consider if they handed out an Oscar to every film, regardless of quality. “Spider-Man 3” gets a best picture Oscar. “Hostel, Part II” gets a best picture Oscar. “Garfield 2: A Tail of Two Kitties” gets a best picture Oscar. At what point does the award lose its value altogether?

Finally, imagine if you really are the world’s greatest Dad. How does it make you feel, watching some guy wearing your shirt who doesn’t go to all of his daughter’s ballet recitals?

Someone really needed to think this through.

Dancing Hamsters, Dogs, Frogs, etc. ($9.99)

Whether you receive the hamster with nunchuks that performs “Kung-fu Fighting,” the hip-hop frog that sings “Ridin’ ” or the Chihuahua in a sombrero that plays “Tequila,” two things are certain about these gifts: They are vaguely racist and completely useless.

Big Mouth Billy Bass, the wall-mounted fish that sang “Take Me to the River,” was once the single most idiotic gift on the planet. But it has since been passed by the dancing Chihuahua, which emits the most grating sounds in history — even worse than Side 2 of David Bowie’s “Let’s Dance” album. Why not just jab Dad in his ear canal with a screwdriver for Father’s Day?

Chronicle/James Merithew

The gift that keeps on grating.

Old Spice ($5.79)

It’s impressive that in 2007, you can still buy cologne for under $6. At some point in the next six months, a gallon of Old Spice will probably be less expensive than an equal amount of gasoline.

But Old Spice at any price is a bad deal, when you realize that you’re going to end up smelling like the inside of a Muni 38-line bus. It’s one of the worst smells ever created by science, third only to burning tires and French onion-flavored Sun Chips.

Has anyone in the history of dating or marriage actually gotten some action while wearing Old Spice? Unless you’re a kid who doesn’t want any more siblings, it’s best to avoid this product, along with English Leather, Chaps and any cologne with a sports figure on the box.

Cartoon Ties ($7.99)

If your boss has two employees and one promotion to give, who do you think is going to be the new assistant to the regional manager: The guy who dresses like a normal human being, or the guy who came to work in the Donald Duck tie?

Neckwear for Father’s Day can be a nice gift, but a tie featuring the Tasmanian Devil, SpongeBob SquarePants, comic book characters or any of the Transformers is a recipe for doom. Dad will feel pressured to wear the tie at least once, he will lose respect at work and be passed up for promotions if not demoted altogether. Mom will divorce him, the custody battle will get ugly and both parents will have to sell the house for less than market value. Total cost to the family? At least $435,000.

If you do receive one of these ties, learn a lesson from your teenage daughter: Have the tie on when you walk out the door. When no one can see you anymore, strip down to whatever you really want to wear to work.

Bad Golfer Greeting Cards ($2.79)

OK, we get it, we’re bad golfers. We’ll never be on the PGA Tour. But you know what? Some day you’re going to have dreams, too. And when they’re crushed to bits, and you’re forced to work a 9-to-5 to pay off your student loans, do you really want a card to arrive each year reminding you of your failure?

It seems as if every other Father’s Day card is designed to ridicule a man’s golf game. At one Target in the Bay Area, there’s an entire section of the card aisle devoted to bad golfer-themed messages. When it comes to cards, stick with The Far Side and half-naked women.

The ThighMaster ($14.99)

This is actually the all-time worst gift that you can buy for your mother. But it makes our list on a technicality, because we found a few of them in a Father’s Day pile at the mall.

If you’re going to get Dad something from the “As Seen on TV” store, buy him the Clapper. Everybody loves the Clapper.

Worst gift ever …

The Worthless Coupon ($0.00)

Yes, we’ve always taught our children that it’s the thought that counts. Except in this case, it doesn’t.

While a well-thought-out piece of artwork from your child can be pretty cool, nothing says “I waited until the last minute, Dad” like a free coupon with no actual monetary value. (“Good for one free hug” … “good for two back rubs” … etc.)

Fathers who get this should stockpile the coupons until the kid reaches prime parent-hating age, and then demand to cash in when she’s in front of a large group of friends, or when he’s on his first date.

Or better yet, bust out the crayons and give your kid the exact same thing for Christmas, insisting that it’s his only gift.

“But Dad, I want a bike!”

“And I wanted a new cordless drill on Father’s Day. Do you want your free hug now?”

Later, after he stops crying, be sure to bring out his real presents. You’ve made your point. And you can still find solace in the knowledge that someday he’s going to have kids that do the same thing.