WASHINGTON --
A report released today by the President's Collectivist Commission
On Mothering Affection (PC COMA) says that their 50 million dollar 1 year
study of lap sitting clearly demonstrates that children who are allowed
to sit on their mother's laps tend to develop a disorder known as Hyper
Security Syndrome. Victims of HSS have a strong aversion to military, corporate,
and industrial indoctrination as well as a much lower tolerance for what
some sociologists have termed "bullshit".

Concerns are spreading that the next generation of workers will not
be able to sustain America's elaborate fossil fuel, war based economy.
Public officials (and corporate lobbyists) are scrambling to rectify this
crisis before President Bush launches the US into a new era of international
conflict and over-consumption of unrenewable natural resources.

Widespread Effects

Dan Jingoist, a spokesman for Lockheed-Martin, a top military industrial
contractor, had strong words for the press this morning. "We've just built
an entire fleet of F-22 Supersonic Stealth fighter jets armed with Fuel-Air
bombs and tactical nukes. Who the heck is gonna use these things to kill
little brown people for oil if we’re all a bunch of sensitive, lap sitting
panty-wastes?"

"Carpal Tunnel syndrome is painful as is getting your head

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caught in a conveyor belt at the end of an exhausting 14 hour shift,"
notes David Cheaperwidget, General Electric Board of Trustees. "People
with high expectations of their work environment make terrible factory
slaves. Mass production of just about EVERYTHING could grind to a screeching
halt with over-nurtured momma's boys tending the assembly lines."

Pentagon General, Les Love, was equally appalled by what he described
as a "downward spiral toward international peace" emanating from the rank
and file of the US armed services. Last weeks wave of conscientious objector
applications was the 3rd such mass demonstration in as many years and sent
panic through the pentagon community. When ask for further comment, Love,
flushed with anger, shoved reporters aside yelling, "Get out of my way
you pussies!"

None of this came as a surprise to Jean Bitchalert, a human resources
consultant to the Fortune 500. "Even the white collar sector isn’t what
it used to be,” Bitchalert explains. “This new generation of sissy-fied,
well-nurtured, home schooled executives can't be trusted when it comes
to lying about layoffs and stock options, covering up illegal toxic waste
dumps, repressing alternative technologies, or enslaving the western hemisphere
with NAFTA. And the CEO's are getting mighty tired of all this caring and
love for other human beings," she added emphatically as she removed a half
empty bottle of valiums from her briefcase.

Study is Criticized

The reliability of the PC COMA study is hotly contested by some

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radical human rights organizations claiming that the study was biased
and the results misinterpreted.

However, voices of dissent have been well rebutted by respected
analysts like Stanford’s Dr. Howard Paidoff. “This research is a definitive
landmark in our ever expanding knowledge of human resource development,”
explains Paidoff. “HSS is costing our nation billions of dollars in lost
productivity every year. We must get the word out to parents across the
country: Lap sitting kills.”

Possible Measures

Today President Bush met with corporate leaders, pentagon officials
and the NEA to discuss possible measures to combat HSS and the other maleficent
side effects of lap sitting. Out of that meeting came a decision to not
only LEGALIZE mental and physical child abuse, but to MANDATE it for all
preschool aged children on the floor of the House and Senate. Measures
to enforce this legislation would include requiring homeschool parents
to provide proof of “substantial levels” of trauma and neurosis in each
child.

Already there’s a groundswell of grassroots support for this measure
as industries across the nation prepare to abandon worker safety requirements
and increase work schedules to 6 days per week, 12 hours per day, and vacation
time awarded based on workers’ ability to demonstrate random meanness on
and off the job.