Friday, March 21, 2008

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride. Unlike Space Mountain, I don't like this roller coaster. So far everything has been going really well. Until yesterday. I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down. Again. I went for a CT scan on Tuesday, and yesterday I got my results. The lymph nodes in my left groin area are enlarged. It is right near the area they removed 15 other lymph nodes. So now I have to go for another PET scan. It's possible I may have to have another surgery to remove them. I hope they turn out to be nothing, but I have at least a week before I find that out. It's the not knowing that kills. Everything seems to be going fine, and now this. When the "Why me" part of my life was gone, here it is again. Why me?

Thursday, March 20, 2008

I must say thank you to everyone who replies to my posting, on the blog or via email. Sometimes I think I'm wasting my time posting here, even though it is a good outlet for my feelings. But all of your replies & message really help me to validate what I'm feeling and make me feel like it's not all for nothing. As I have learned that time is short & precious, and do I really want to spend that time typing a blog? Sure. I'll continue. You all help me, and it seems that you too can release what you are feeling in your replies to me :) So we can help each other.

Through all of this, I have to give credit to my good friend Lori. She is the best friend I could ever ask for. What she has done for me & my family are more than anyone could ever ask for. I will eternally be indebted to her. She took me to my very first infusion at the hospital. Before we entered I told her about my first time I had to enter the infusion center. I warned her of what to expect once we entered - because I did not know the first time, and I was caught off guard. We sat there and cried. And held each other. I didn't check in until all of the tears were gone, which took a while. But she waited, and listened, and was seriously concerned. I gathered my composure and checked in. They called my name and we went back to the infusion center. My first infusion was at least two hours. As we sat there, we talked and laughed and just enjoyed each others company. While there, she noticed all of my other appointments. She pulled out her calendar and marked on my sheet all of the days she could take me to my appointments! She marked about 80% of my calendar! The only days she didn't mark were the days Sab didn't work and he was going to take me. After my appt she took me home and helped me make chicken soup. Shortly into making it, I got sick and had to go lie down. Her & Reanna finished it up, and before she left she came to see me in the room to make sure I was ok. She covered me in the blankets, gave me a kiss on my check, and left. Appointment after appointment she was there to take me. She was always on time, always had a smile, always helping. One time I was really sick, and when the nurses came, she was telling them. She was saying I looked sick, I lost weight, etc. She made them pay attention to me. They ran all kinds of tests and gave me some prescriptions, etc. She went to the pharmacy and got my prescriptions, got me 7up, fluffed my pillow, did all kinds of stuff for me. Although I was sick, her attention to my needs did not go unnoticed. I must've been there for 4 hours that day. She was there with me helping me the whole time. One time I was too sick to get out of the car, so she ran into Safeway to get me some jello & pudding, because that was all I could eat. Even now, when I'm better, she still goes out of her way to help me. The other day she stopped by just because. When she was leaving we were talking about hair.... I just love her hair.... and she loves mine... lol... I hate mine! Anyway - we were just talking about hair and then I thought aloud - "Oh man, I forgot to get hair gel today" and she left. She came back an hour later with mousse, hair spray, and a leave in treatment. She didn't have to do that! But that is just her. She goes out of her way. She would give me the shirt off her back. That is a friend. I wish I were that type of friend. Never in a million years could I be like that to someone. That is the friend I can only long to be. Lori - I love you. You make me want to be a better friend.

As for my other "friends" I'm just keeping my distance. It's really not too hard as they do the same.