Friday, November 27, 2009

Yesterday was just about perfect. I woke up to the sounds of my family laughing and talking in the living room and making waffles with strawberries and whip cream (which is probably one of the best breakfasts ever). Afterwards we sat down to just watch TV together. This might seem like the simplest, most monotonous activity to some, but to me its a treat. I can't remember the last time I'd just sat down to spend time with my family like that. Especially with these cousins and grandparents. Its a rare indulgence that all of us are in the same place at the same time. We watched "Curious George" (which is not a Thanksgiving movie of any sorts) but is one of the most adorable movies I can think of, maybe its just the monkey thats adorable. We ate lunch together and had a big family dinner too. We even went bowling later. I love being here.

What I noticed most about this week is how much I rely on and enjoy the company of my mother. She's a rock. I love turning around and seeing her there in the kitchen or on the couch. I love hanging onto her arm while we walk or just having her ask me whether or not I want to go to Walmart. Its so special to me to be able to ask her where something is or whether or not I have a fever.

I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready to be alone. I always say that I act like I'm a kid still, and it can be so true. Being an adult is boring. I want to go back to playing in the pool for 4 hours at a time, and wanting to eat the entire box of ice cream, and fighting to stay awake for just 30 more minutes to watch one more episode on nick@nite. I want to make home videos about my cat, and make forts in the woods, and have birthday parties with "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" and relay races.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

I can't do anymore. I'm out of ideas. Nothing I say helps, and everything I do doesn't seem to make a difference.

It hurts when someone you care about tells you how their life is falling apart, and no one likes them, and all they want to do is drink their cares away. I tried. I said what I thought might hit a nerve, hit her heart, hit something with feeling, but there is nothing left for me to do or say. All I can do is love. But why me? Why, God, did you decide to give this to me? I feel so drained, and its only been 2 days! I feel emotionally and spiritually empty. She says there isn't any hope for her, and now I'm starting to feel the same way, only about myself. There doesn't seem to be any hope left for me to save her, except through your mighty hand. But I have nothing. I've said everything I could think of. I've told her everything of importance.

A Day In The Life

There is no Webster definition of my life. That doesn't mean, though, that i have to define it for myself. Most people do define their own life. They work hard to make money, build a good reputation, become powerful, and be known as "good people." I don't have that burden on my shoulders because my heavenly Father defines my life. My identity is revealed in the person of Jesus Christ. I don't need to worry about making a lot of money, or having a good reputation, or being popular, or powerful. I don't need to work my butt off to get in good with the crowd. I love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and my identity is found right there. It's not that I'm never worried, scared, or angry. I am human afterall. My life isn't carefree. I just know that everything is in the Lord's hands. Now that I've given it to Him, He does what he pleases with it. He defines my life. He IS my life.