May 20, 2013

Gummi Vits! They’re Dangerous!

Jaxxxon gets loose? That kid is too big to sit in the shopping cart. Did Darby have him on a leash? Oh no! Look out for that irresponsibly stacked display of Gummi Vits!

Well, what did you think would happen, FoodCo? You stacked a bunch of colorful jars (trust me, I peaked at the color version) at chimp level, then you buffed the floor to a Steve Luhm sheen. How can you afford to keep your doors open? Given this high risk situation, there’s probably an opportunistic slip & fall attorney standing nearby with cell phone at the ready to record this whole fiasco.

Our astute commenters were already onto this latest twist: Bring on the junior douche of the Foley Law Group to offer injured Darby Kiser some unsolicited legal advice and then transition awkwardly into another request for an invitation to her pants.

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The twist I didn’t see is Darby suffering an exploded wrist and being on the DL for the rest of the season. (No playdowns for Mimi.) And winding up in the hospital. Where Knockers will offer to represent her and, yep, try to get into her gown.

it was close but I think she was safe at second. “And down goes Darby”. Not the first time she’s heard that. How far did she chase the little gorilla child? Did he run through the boys department, because he managed to change his shirt since the beginning of the chase……….

Well, Knoxy, not only has the chimp changed shirts, he’s added cargo pockets to his shorts since the earlier strip. To shoplift some Gummi Vits, perhaps? Or to grab some goodies for Mom on the five-finger (and opposable thumb) discount plan?

Did NOT notice the cargo pants. An entire ensemble change? That’s one talented little primate. She really should have some sort of choke chain on him.
And Richard….not too obscure, it was perfect. I can hear Cosell saying it.

OK, I got the details wrong. I thought Jaxxxon would take a header into the lobster tank, but no, it appears he has merely toppled a display of Gumm-Vits. Darby, however, I am willing to wager, has broken her wrist and is out for the playoffs. Let’s try to figure out this trajectory. Given that Knoxious has been utterly without redeeming social value thus far, it is out of the question he will do anything good for the injured Darby.

I will not pretend to predict how negligence will be assigned– the child-attractive but tippable display, Darby’s “failure” to control Jaxon, the condition of the floors. Given that Darby is a stand-up person, I suspect that when Knoxious tries to insert himself into the situation (sorry) Darby will explain that there is such a thing as a simple accident and backhand him with her cast.

The little poo-flinger could climb a lot of grocery store displays – meat and produce might be a problem.
Darby let him loose. In some jurisdictions, contributory negligence would kill any chance of her collecting damages.