Jeans Were A Bad Choice: 83 Thoughts You've Had While Dry-Humping

You had your third date with Tommy. It was a fabulous night. You had dinner at your favorite restaurant (yes, he remembered it after your brief mention), and the two of you walked hand in hand all over New York City for what felt like five minutes but was actually three hours.

Finally, Tommy walks you back to your apartment. And just like he’s done for the last two dates, he says goodnight with one sweet, unassuming kiss outside your front door.

But something has changed. While that sweet, innocent kiss was more than enough for the first two dates, you find yourself wanting a little bit more this time. You’re not sure exactly what you want, but you know you definitely want something more than this kiss. So you invite Tommy inside.

He excitedly accepts your invitation, and you lead him up the four flights of stairs up to your apartment. You give him the grand tour of all 1500 square feet of your apartment, and you strategically make the bedroom your last stop. In a power move, you throw yourself on the bed, and Tommy quickly follows by plopping himself on top of you.

You guys start things off with a little makeout session. Next thing you know, you’ve landed yourself in Dry-Hump City, population: two.

Let me help you relive every thought and emotion that overcomes your mind when you rub your dirty bits against Tommy’s with a good, old-fashioned, G-rated denim barrier.

1. LOL, #TBT to high school, amirite?

2. Wait, seriously, when was the last time I did this?

3. It was high school.

4. Yep, definitely James Smith, junior year, Mom and Dad's bed.

5. I wonder how James is doing…

6. Wait, is he married?

7. I think he’s married.

8. NO! James Smith isn’t the last guy I dry-humped! I definitely dry-humped Todd last month…

9. OMG and we made that playlist!

10. The sexy dry-humping playlist…

11. Should I put that on?

12. I’ll put it on.

13. Why would any guy ever want to dry-hump?

14. Is it because he respects me too much to have for-real, no-pants sex with me?