The Top 4 Romantic Wishes of Men and Women

Why should men and women try to please one another? For love’s sake. The world of love can be an easily solved mystery of emotional giving and receiving best depicted in a quote from Dr. Leo Buscaglia: "What love we've given we will have forever. What love we fail to give is lost for all eternity."

In my own research, I have found that women are a slightly more faithful group, as confirmed by talks with sociologist W. Bradford Wilcox, Ph.D., director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. He says that just 14 percent of ever-married women reported an extramarital affair over their lifetime as compared to 22 percent of men.

So, yes, women do want commitment—but that’s not all.

Dr. Wilcox and his colleague Steven L. Nock wrote in Social Forces:

..."in examining women's marital quality and men's emotional investments in marriage, we find that dyadic commitment to institutional ideals about marriage and women's contentment with the division of household tasks are more critical. We also show that men's marital emotion work is a very important determinant of women's marital quality. We conclude by noting that "her" marriage is happiest when it combines elements of the new and old: that is, gender equity and normative commitment to the institution of marriage. What's Love Got To Do With It?(1)

WHAT WOMEN WANT

1. Loving devotion in a committed relationship. This is a very simple wish in which action speaks louder than words. A devoted man is respectful with time shared, respectful of her work, her friends, her family and their togetherness. After reading the words of Dr. Wilcox, this seems logical.

“We" is a state of mind and heart. It means that wherever one partner is, the other is present in their thoughts. Partners who consider themselves a "we" act that way. When you talk to partners who live with and in the heart of their beloved, you experience that commitment in every way they present themselves. They communicate a pride in belonging to their partner. It's a powerful feeling of "us" over anyone or anything else.

2. Thoughtful, honest behavior. One of our top wishes is emotional honesty. Women like men who stay in touch and are honest about their thoughts and whereabouts. And women require truthfulness: If a guy slips up he should say so, without crafting a carefully worded email. Essentially, if you slip up, you should fess up and not be embarrassed to do so.

Nicole M. Else-Quest, Department of Psychology at the University of Maryland, gathered 300 studies to compare women's and men's self-conscious emotions. In terms of pride and embarassment for women and men these are relatively equal. (2)

3. Generosity of spirit. Women appreciate men who are not only good money managers, but are also generous in spirit. Giving men value women; in talking to men it is refreshing to find how many really do enjoy coming up with gifts that they know will be appreciated. These men also understand reciprocity—that giving a woman pleasure will result in her desire to give pleasure to him.

4. Satisfying sex. Our definitions of satisfying sex ranges from romantic to wild and crazy. With 75 million readers of romance novels, the fantasy of being courted has not lost its attraction. And yes, it is sheer romance when two people experience the power of love by transcending all obstacles.

WHAT MEN WANT

1. Sex. Anytime, planned or spontaneous. One young man once complained to me: "Sometimes my girlfriend is in the kitchen and she looks so sexy in a cute domestic way. So I go over to her and try to be romantic and she says, 'Not now, I'm cooking.' That's almost as bad as 'Not tonight, dear.'" Also keep in mind that as women and men sexual desires change somewhat. Since the advent of Viagra, men's sexual desires remain at peak for longer periods of time, whereas many women may experience a diminished sexual drive at menopause.

Edward O. Laumann, Ph.D. a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago was lead author of a major survey of sexual practices, The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States. In earlier interviews he told me that at a certain stage, "men trade up for younger women." This often relates to sexual desire and he noted that this is the reason so many woman will die alone in nursing homes, while men will be in the arms of a woman. Sex makes for happy seniors, Providence Journal (November Gerontological Society of America Report)

2. Freedom. Many men desire to feel free and call the shots. They do not want to be boxed in by the questions, "Are we going out this weekend?" or "Why didn't you call?" If they do not answer phone messages, texts, or emails right away, perhaps it is because they feel that they are exempt. Should women quietly sulk; accept the answer, "I wasn't in the mood"; or decide that the partner is not worth the effort? That depends.

3. Forgiveness. The majority of young and middle-age men whom I have interviewed say that forgiveness is "huge" to them, and that grudges are wedges in their relationships. When these issues arise, they're ready to have the "relationship talk."

4. Appreciation. Men really do want to be respected and appreciated. For many, this means they need a lot of stroking. Their partners should be aware that praise and gratitude work wonders, emotionally and physically, as long as it's truthful. And along with the truth, men have told me, partners should "tell us what you want instead of nagging. Nagging makes us feel unappreciated."

Studies of long-term committed couples show that there are almost always ups and down within the phases of a relationship. Starting out with a positive attitude and trying to negotiate the differences are good ways to seek and maintain a relationship balance.

Once you understand what your partner wants and can be honest about what you want, then you might better evaluate how to proceed in the world of love and loyalty. And keep in mind that every so often, love needs a boost.

Love on-line and off-line Here is an interesting report from the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences regarding the survival of marriages of couples who meet online verses those who meet in a more traditional manner. Can this mean that those who meet on-line spend more time getting to know their partner?

. . .in a nationally representative sample of 19,131 respondents who married between 2005 and 2012. Results indicate that more than one-third of marriages in America now begin on-line. In addition, marriages that began on-line, when compared with those that began through traditional off-line venues, were slightly less likely to result in a marital break-up (separation or divorce) and were associated with slightly higher marital satisfaction among those respondents who remained married." Marital satisfaction and break-ups differ across on-line and off-line" (4)

My opinion: there is nothing wrong if you don't want commitment but you should find your match then. Personally I believe that marriages, relationships can work. Communication and honesty are the keys.

Andrea, my thanks. As started in the article:
Once you understand what your partner wants and can be honest about what you want, then you might better evaluate how to proceed in the world of love and loyalty. And keep in mind that every so often, love needs a boost. / R

This type of article is NOT research-informed, and it's irritating. Be very weary of anyone trying to tell you what you want, or what you should want, based on any aspect of your identity. The research on male/female desires in relationships are nearly indistinguishable, and there are more differences within gender than between genders. It makes it difficult for me to understand why rigid gender (and always binary, of course) distinctions continue to be reinforced - sometimes in the name of science! Pseudoscience at best, folks. If you want to know how to satisfy a partner's desires, try this - ASK THEM what they value. Or go to therapy, where any good psychologist will help you do this in a productive and healthy way that does not discredit an individual's unique preferences.

And for the record, this author is not a mental health professional, nor is she a researcher (who would trained in how be a good consumer of others' research through knowledge of stats and such). Be careful who you take advice from on the Internet!

You are right about that you should ask your partner's desire, and about that there are much more differences between genders, and not only genders but personalities. However this article is not irritating, the author tried to put the most common wishes for men and women, based on HER opinion. And with all article you read it and don't folow everything what you've read because you have your own realization. You think about what can be the advantage of reading this article in your life and if there is anything, it was worth reading it. You don't need to be a mental health professional or a researcher to give good, useful advise, or not ALL therapy, psychologist can give you the best advise. And yes, I agree that you should be careful who do you take advise from, but also your best advise is always your inner instict.

"This often relates to sexual desire and he noted that this is the reason so many woman will die alone in nursing homes, while men will be in the arms of a woman."

Do you have a source or study for this statistic? Anecdoctal evidence or observations shouldn't be cited as evidence by a psychology publication. I'm a nursing student and I've visited a nursing home. I found the proportion of male to female residents roughly equal. Perhaps, there are more women, because women live on average six to eight years longer than men. In addition, older men have a higher suicide rate. These factors could explain the higher numbers of women in some nursing homes. I find this statement sexist, and offensive to MEN. I believe that men have emotions and are capable of love and attachment, just like women. I also believe that most men have integrity, and strength of character. This is the exact sort of thing that encourages stereotype, hostiity between the genders, and anti-male discrimination. The professor you quoted is obviously unscientific and a misogynist. You should be ashamed of yourself for quoting him. I will be writing a complaint to psychology today, and starting a petition about this. Thanks.

Edward Laumann is one of the nation's leading authorities on the sociology of sexuality. He recently advised a panel of scholars who conducted the "Global Study of Sexual Attitudes and Behaviors" with 27,500 men and women aged 40 to 80 years old in 30 countries worldwide.

He is co-director of the 1992 National Health and Social Life Survey, the first comprehensive and scientifically accurate survey of sex in America. The study disputed many myths about sexual behavior and brought factual information to bear on public policy debates about sexual practices.

Regarding your visit to a nursing home -- I hope you make many more visits. We need people with passion advocating for the elderly.

Gerontology Award:

I spent 4 years in nursing homes with the elderly and am the 2012 recipient of a Met Life Foundation Fellowship in Aging studies through the Gerontological Society of America and New America Media and a 2013 award recipient of a travel grant.

Thanks for your reply. To be clear, I wasn't attacking the entire article, just the particular comment. I think you need to be more careful and critical of what type of evidence you cite. Just because Mr Laumann has credentials doesn't make everything he says true (appeal to authority is a logical fallacy). James Watson (a nobel prize laureate) also said that Africans were less genetically less intelligent. Does that make it true? Scientists are also humans and they can have racist or sexist biases. Mr Laumann is obviously sexist. I mean, is there a study which proves that men leave their wives to die alone in nursing homes? That is inaccurate and doesn't reflect reality. Most of the women that I've met in nursing homes were widows whose husbands had died a few years earlier. Most men value their marriages and wouldn't walk out on a 30 plus year marriage for purely sexual reasons. Also, I think it is offensive to imply that men are pigs who care about nothing but sex (why is sex #1 for men and #4 for women?) While good sex is truly important and essential for men, I doubt that it's the #1 factor in long-term relationships.

This article has many sources from mostly credible places. Although the findings may not be 100% accurate (how many studies are totally accurate and error proof?)at least the sources are there for us to check.

Your reply to this article is filled with opinions and a very small field of personal experience. It's also filled with bias remarks just like the ones you are blaming the article for (but it actually has sources).
I'm not saying the points you presented are bad, I'm just saying if you're going to fight points in this article at least provide some kind of evidence/source/study that show your opinions to have actual truth to them.

No matter how good/preferable your points may be in your own mind you don't have a hope proving your side has traction when you're basically saying, "I think it's actually different than what the article says, but I have no proof, just speculation."

Why was the other person's comment deleted? I've been following this article, and another commenter correctly pointed out the contradiction between "lifelong loyalty" and "men leave their wives to have sex with younger women". It doesn't say that men leave if their wives are not having sex with them, it says that at a certain age, men leave anyway. So if all men are going to leave their wives for younger women no matter what the wife does, then why should the wife put any effort into the marriage? Could you please explain this?