A young man call Courtney from Jamaica moves to Miami in 1991 and goes to a big
Department shopping complex looking for a job.

The manager says, “Courtney do you have any sales
experience?' The Jamaican young man says. 'Bossie, mi was a salesman back home
on di streets a Kingston .”

Well, the boss liked him so he gave him the job. “You
start

tomorrow. I'll come down after we close
and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough but he got
through it.

After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How
many sales did you make today?”

The Jamaican young man says, “Man, Just ONE sale”

The boss says, “ Courtney
Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a
day. If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one
sale”. “By the way, how much

was the sale for?”

The Jamaican young man says, “$301,237.64”

Boss says, “$301,237.64? What the hell did you
sell?”

The Jamaican young man: “Bossie, Fus mi sell him one little fish

hook. Den mi sell
him a medium size fish hook. Den mi sell him 1

big fish hook.

Den mi sell him one
fishing rod an sum fishing tings.

Den mi ask him whey him a go fishing an him seh
dung de coast, so

mi tell him sey him a go want one
boat, so we go dung a de boating

department an mi sell him one twin engine
Chris Craft.

Den him seh him nuh think him Audi Car caan pull
it, so mi tek

him dung a wi automotive department
an mi sell him di 4X4 Blazer.

Then mi ask him whey him a go sleep, an since him neva have nuh

weh, mi tek him dung a di camping
department an sell him one a di

new Igloo 6 sleeper camper tents.

Then the man seh, while we deh pon it, mi might as
well fling in

about a $100.00 wut a groceries and two
cases of beer.”

The boss said, “Courtney, You're not serious? A guy
came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a Boat, a 4x4 truck and a tent?”

The Jamaican young man says, “No sah, him com in
yah fi buy one box of Tampons fi him wife, and mi seh:
Well, since yuh weekend mash

up, yuh might jus as well go ketch
fish.”

The Three Jamaican Contractors

Three contractors were bidding to fix the fence at
Jamaica House. One was from Montego Bay, another from Kingston and the third, from Mandeville.

The Mandeville contractor also does some measuring
and figuring, then says, 'I can do dis job fi $70,000; $30,000 fi material,
$30,000 fimy
crew and $10,000 profit fi MassMe. '

The Kingston contractor doesn't measure or
figure, but leans over to the Jamaica House official and whispers: '$270,000.
The official, incredulous, observes: 'Yuh didn't even tek measurement like de
addah contractah dem! Weh yuh get such a high figgah?' 'Easy man,' the
Kingstonian explains, 'Look yah! $100,000 fi you, $100,000 fi me an' we hire de
breddah from Mandeville'

The Loving Husband

A Jamaican man and his ever-nagging wife went on
vacation to Jerusalem.While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the
husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here, in the Holy Land, for $150."The man thought about it and told him he
would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend
only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and
three days later he rose from the dead.I just can't take that chance."

The Beggar at Long Lane

Every morning John would drive by
Long Lane. And every morning he would stop and give the resident beggar $10.00.

After a while John started to give
the beggar $7.00. The Beggar noticing that his money has been reduced was not
too pleased, but said nothing.

After a while John started to give
the Beggar $5.00. The Beggar noticing this further decrease became noticeably
upset and decided to speak to John about it.

He stopped John one morning after
accepting $5.00 and asked, "What's happening man?" "Yuh used to
gimme $10.00, den you cut it down to $7.00 . . . now dis?"

John replied, "Bwoy, time
hard. Mi eldest son just start university an' mi daughter is now at High School
... so yuh know how it guh."

The beggar looked at him with impatience
and asked, "Exactly how many children do you have boss?"
"Four" replied John

The good ol' Jamaican days Let your mind take you back to those days ...

Let your mind take you back to
those days ...

At primary school

- an icy mint was 1 cent

- a fudge was 5 cents

- free vegetable patties

- free cows milk, cherry
milk

- free uniform material

Walking through the Malls in Constant Spring at

Christmas lighting sparkles.

The song "Arlene a mus'e dream yu deh
dream"

Far less crime and poverty

Ring Ding when it was in black and white, or Colgate

Cavity Fighters club.

Sunday Matinee in black and white.

Running between the roller-coaster, tilt-a-whirl,

Scrambler and bumper cars at CoconutPark.

J.O.S. buses.

Paper fifty cents.

Hello, my name is Tamara Dobson..even though you may know me as Cleopatra Jones."

The radio soap opera
"Dulcemina".CeeBert.

Topps and Epiphany night clubs.

A.P.I. TV programming, shortly followed by JAMA L- Into the Light.

When splinter was called grass bottle and mirror was
looking glass.

When travelling after SIX the only thing to be afraid
of was DUPPY

When people went to parties to
dance with each other and not to cut pose.

When school children looked like scholars.

The Fortunes of Floralee" radio soap opera.

Please ah beggin u sumting for my two children dem
mam" ....

Schools Challenge Quiz with Dennis Hall, or Dennis

Hall for that matter.

Fun-For-All video game house.

Ina Pine's weather forecasts: Kingston, 85 degrees and

sunny; MontegoBay, 85 degrees and sunny,
Negril 85 degrees; Port

Antonio, 85degrees and sunny; SpanishTown, 85 degrees

and sunny; Mandeville, 70 degrees and
partly cloudy".

Skateland.

The New Market floods.

Shouting repeatedly at the tuck-shop: "One
patty an'

coco-bread an' a box juice an' a
drops!", until you were acknowledged.

Buying paradise plum, icy mint, sky juice, suc
k-suck

or busta through the fence.

Black Heart man stories.

Anansi and Bredda Tukoma stories.

The Back Tax Axe TV commercials.

Lawd, Ah confused"...."Ello, Carltons.."

Shelly-Ann Jeans: No one can, like Shelly-Ann.

When "Roaches" were the shoe fashion; and

"Napoleon" was the hair style of choice
for guys (who could grow enough hair);

Big League Football" on Sunday afternoons.

Peter Red and Peter Blue

The revolving Craven 'A' box at Tom Redcam Avenue and

Old Hope Road

The Kentucky 'turtle' building in Cross Roads

Getting up Harry? Yes ma,.......
Laaad a feel peckish!!!

when "T" shirt was called
ganzee and soda "airated wata"

Maskita one, maskita two, maskita jump inna hot
callaloo

In the middle of a fight "
HOT PATTY ,HOT PATTY box it

nuh if yu brave"

I'm a Horlicks kid, soon
I'll be Horlicks big..."

Pass the dutchie pan di lef' han' side...

King Kong kisko pops and cherry milk

"Spider man, spider man, does whatever a spider
can"

"Love is all I bring, inna mi khaki suit an ting"-

Uptown Top Ranking

SIGH!!!

Three Jamaicans and three Trinidadians

Three Jamaicans and three Trinidadians are traveling
by train to a hockey game.

At the station, the three Trinidadians each buy
tickets and watch as the three

Jamaicans buy only a single ticket.

"How are the three people going to travel on
only one ticket? " asks an Trinidadian.
"Watch and you'll see, " answers a Jamaican. They all board the
train. The Trinidadians take their respective seats but all three Jamaicans
cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor
comes around collecting

tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door
and says, "Ticket, please. " The door

opens just a crack and a single arm
emerges with a ticket in hand. The

conductor takes it and moves on. The
Trinidadians see this and agree it was quite

a clever idea.

After the game, they decide to copy the Jamaicans on
the return trip and

save some money (being clever with
money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single
ticket for the return trip. To

their astonishment, the Jamaicans don't
buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket? " asks one perplexedTrinidadian.

"Watch and you'll see, " answers a
Jamaican.

When they board the train the three Trinidadians
cram into a bathroom and

the three Jamaicans cram into another
bathroom nearby. Once the train

leaves the station, one of the Jamaicans
leaves and walks over to the bathroom

where the Trinidadians are hiding,
knocks on the door, and says, "Ticket,

please".

Di
Jamaican, di donkey and di raffle

A man from Kingston moved to the
country and bought

a donkey from an old farmer for
$100.

The farmer
agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day,
the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry,

but me have some bad news. The donkey dead."

"Well den,
just gi me mi money back."

"Can't do that.Mi spen dat already."

"OK, then.
Just leave the donkey with me."

"What you
a go do wid him?"

"Me a go raffle dat."

"You can't
raffle off a dead donkey!"

"Yeh man! Watch me. I just nah tell
nobody seh 'im

dead, ok."

A month later
the farmer met up with the Kingston

man and asked,

"What happen wid dat dead donkey?"

"Dat get
raffle off boss. Mi sell 500 ticket fi $2

apiece and mek a

profit of $998."

"Suh
nobaddy nuh cuss?"

"Ongle di
man whey win. So me gi im back im $2"

Sunday Sermon

Sunday's sermonwas---Forgive
Your Enemies.

Toward the end
of theservice,
the Minister asked,

"How many
of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up
their hands.

The Minister
then changed his question to "How many of you

will forgive your enemies?"

All responded
this time, except one small elderly Lady.

"Mrs.
Jones?"; "Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't
have any."She replied, smiling
sweetly.

"Mrs.
Jones, that is very unusual.How old are
you?"

"Ninety-eight."
she replied.

"Oh Mrs.
Jones, would you please come down in front & tell

us all how a person can live
ninety-eight years & not have an

enemy in the world?"

The littlesweetheart of
a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: "I
outlived all those bitches."

Serious Praying -
For My Jamaican Friends

1. The Lord ah mi one boss, and mi nuh fi want nutt'n. Ah Him ah

Prevent mi from tell off people everyday.

2. Ah Him ah gimme peace, when so-so madness a gwan roun' mi.

3. Ah Him ah remine mi fi pray and fi do everyting widout
complain,

Murmur or kiss mi teet.

4. Ah Him ah remine mi dat ah Him ah mi source, noh
mi job, although

lickle more pay
woulda nice.

5. Ah Him ah 'top mi from mad a daytime, an' ah guide mi decision
dem

So mi can honor Him inna hev'ryting.

6. Ah Him ah prevent mi from shoot up di wholeplace, an' tun' all mi

supervisor dem inna
duppy, so mi no haffi go ah prison an' live

'mongst ah bag ah teefin man or get heng.

7. Even though mi get one whole heap of e-mail, fool fool deadline
fi

Work wid, have some co-worker dem whey a chat mi behine mi back,
some big

and the forty
the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog gave
back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay,"
said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why
the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and

Enjoy ourselves;
for the next forty years we slave in the sun to Support our family;

for the next ten years we do monkey
tricks to entertain

The
grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at
everyone.

Life has now
been explained to you.

High Tech Jamaican

An American, a Japanese, and a Jamaican were sitting in the sauna.

Suddenly there is a
beeping sound.

The American presses
his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at

him questioningly.

"That's my
pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a
phone rings. The Japanese lifts his palm to his ear.

When he finishes he
explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip

In
my hand."

The Jamaican, feeling
decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone,

decided he had to do
something just as impressive.

He steps Out of the
sauna and goes to the toilet.

He returns with a
piece of Toilet paper.

The others raised
their eyebrows and said, "Wow!

What's that?"
"I just sent a Fax," he explains.

Show-off YardieJoe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend
college and law
school. He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big
Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened
his new law office in New Kingston. The first day, he saw a man coming up
the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this new client
when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He
motioned the man in, all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle
this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to
hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the
other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll
meet with him next week to discuss the details."

The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the
man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone
and turned to the man,
"I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do
for
you?"

The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the
telephone company, I came
to hook up your phone."

Jamaican Assassin
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all of the background checks, interviews, and
testing were done there were three finalists - An American man, a English Man and a Jamaican man.

For the final test, the CIA agents took the American man
to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions,
no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."

The American said."You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife,"
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The English man was given the same instructions. He took
the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the
agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried blokes, but I can't kill my
wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."

Finally, it was the Jamaican's turn. He took the gun and
went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. Then they heard
screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the Jamaican. He wiped the sweat from
his brow and said, "Unnuh nevah tell mi di gun was loaded wid blanks....
mi di haffi to beat har to death wid di chair!"

Ginnal

My
Brethren, Ginnal, applied for an engineering position at a Kingston

based firm. A Trini Engineer applied for
the same job and both applicants

having the same qualifications were asked
to take a test by the department

manager.

Upon
completion of the test, the manager went to Ginnal and said, "Thank

you for your interest, but we've decided to
give the man from Trinidad
the

he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he

returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston.

The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway.

He decided to make a big impression on

this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up

the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in

New York that I won't settle

this case for less than one million. Yes, the

Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the

primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.

Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes.

All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.

Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay

but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone

company, I came to hook up your phone."

JAMAICANCOURTROOM

A Jamaican, country prosecuting attorney called

his first witness to the stand in a trail, a

grandmotherly, elderly woman, Miss Ivy.

He approached her and asked "Miss Ivy, do you

know me? She responded, "Why, yes me noe yu

Missa Williams. Me know yuh since yu ah young

bwoy an quite frankly, yu a one big

disappointment. Yu lie, yu tief, bokkle and bruk

people shap; yu manipulate

people an talk su-su pan dem behine dem back. Yu

tink say yu a big shat, an yu no noe say yu a go

come to nutten. Dat fool-fool brains yu ave mek

yuh a two-bit papishow, me noe yu - yu liad good

fe nutten ...".

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what to do,

he pointed across the room and asked "Miss Ivy,

do you know the defense attorney?". She again

replied, "Why, yes mi do. Mi noe Missa Bradley

since 'im was a bwoy too. Mi use to put on 'im

nappy wen 'im pee it up. An 'im too is a real

disappointment. 'Im lazy, 'im a drunk-areaddy.

'Im law practice is de wos inna de entiya Parish.

Not fe mention 'im cheat pan 'im wife.

Yes, me know 'im".

The defense attorney was also surprised and

shocked. At this point, the judge brought the

courtroom to silence, called both counselors to

the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If

any a oonu ask har if she noe me, oonu a go a jail

fe contempt."

Jamaican Romeo &
Juliet

Romie looking exasperated threw one
more pebble at the window. His frustration mounts and his patience is wearing
thin)

Romie: Cho. Mi tell dis girl say
me a come over after mi done play ball and she must leave di winda open and now
she nuh deh yah. Mi is a man can't tek badderation enuh. A
what time now (peers at fake Rolex). Rahtid, half past nine. (Whispers loudly) Jules! Jules!
Wait deh, see her light come on deh. Jules!

Julie: Is only yuh name me no like, Romie. What kind a last name you have,
McIntyre? It sound like a burger in a car tire. Is not
your hand, or yuh, foot, or yuh arm or yuh face that bother me (well, yuh face
bother mi sometime), but is yuh name. Yuh know say, the Johnson dem nuh like
the McIntyre dem and if mi father ketch yuh over yah him limb up yuh warra-it.
But what's in a name, my sweet Rom-Rom. Mi no care bout yuh name. If yuh call a
rose by any other name it will smell just as sweet. Nuh true.

Romie: Yuh a hear mi Jules, mi
can't take this foolishness no more. Big man haffi a hide and come check yuh a
night time like a some punk. But mi a tell yuh the
truth, anything mi can do fi wi stay together, mi will
do. If mi haffi change mi name mi wi do that. (shouts) From now on mi no name McIntyre no more!

Romie: (kneels on the ground) Well
mi not even know how fi say this but mi love mi car, mi love mi bike, mi love
mi money and ting but most of all me love mi Browning" (wipes away a tear)
Is de fus ina mi life man have feelings fi cry. Yuh know yuh a mi Fresh
Vegetable and mi no stop cry fi yuh.

Julie: (starts to cry too) Oh
that's so sweet, but first of all, yuh no have no car and the only
transportation yuh have is the piece a bruck up fix-wheel bicycle yuh
grandfather gi yuh. But mi still love yuh anyway. But
"baby are you up for this, to give me all that loving so that I can turn
and twist.."

Romie: (whistling softly as he
walks by the dog gnawing on a tough piece of saltfish) "
dem a go tired fi see mi face… "

Jamaican Directions
I was trying to find my dressmaker, and asked someone on the street for
directions.
This is what she told me:

"Tek a red and white mini-bus to Parade, den walk til yu reach de patty
stand on Bruk-Down carner. Hask de gentleman deh how yu fi reach de lady
wha mek de high culcha frock dem. Him will send yu to Miss Edna (she haf
a likkle fry fish shop further down), and is her cousin who live near de street
where Maas One-Yeye stop. Is fi him girlfren niece who know de address of the
guy wha live near to de chile wha wok at de butike, and is her bwoyfren wha haf
de motor bike. After yu reach Lik-Me-Down carner, tun right till yu come to de
yard wid de four bad mongrel dawg dem.

(Fling stone after dem and dem will run whey). Knock pon de winda five time and
Miss
Eliza will come. (Memba fi keep two stone inna fi yu han
case de dawg dem
cum back). Miss Liza will tell yu how fi reach de guy wid de motor bike.

Him is a nice bwoy; jus give him a smalls and him will
carry yu safe. Buthole on tight cause him young and him drive fas'. Him don't haf him licence
yet, so if yu see de police dem, jump offa de bike. Him will tek yu to
Drop-Dead
gully - it not too wide - jus jump ovah and mine yu no bruk yu foot, den
tun lef', and yu see de shop. It easy; yu caan miss it."

Jamaican Bus T'ief
Trevor and Tony are walking home from Greater Portmore to Waterford after a night of drinking. They
have no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they
find themselves outside the bus depot. Trevor has an idea and says to Tony:
"Go in deh and tief a bus so we can drive home and mi wi
stay out ya and watch out fi di police". Tony duly breaks into the garage
and is gone for twenty minutes while Trevor is wondering what the hell he is
doing so long. Eventually Trevor sticks his head around the wall and sees Tony
running from bus to bus and looking very worried. "What di hell you a do Tony, move it!" to which Tony replies "Mi caan
find a Waterford bus anywhere Trevor!" Where upon Trevor, holding his
hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "Yu stupid idiot Tony, jus tief a
downtown bus and mek wi get off at di T-Junction and walk di rest of di
way!"

Had the Titanic left
Jamaican waters!
The Titanic was about to set sail from Old harbor with hundreds aboard.
Fitzroy Brown said his goodbye to his wifie ' Awright baby Love
..tek care til mi come back yuh hear, yuh done know sey when mi reach a
Englan' an get mi paypas straight mi wi sen fi yuh soh wi can live nice seen'

Later that evening on board, the lower deck was pack filled with a massive
crowd packed in like sardines. Some were nodding to
the heavy base rydym as DJ Daag Heart spin di wickedest tunes on the "Sea
Love" sound system. The "deckhall" crew was partying like it was
1949. The ship was owned an operated by Pot-head. The ship's Captain was
preoccupied with kissing up to the big spenders on the ship.

Sammy and Rupert worked hard locking the steering to the right. The ship was by
now sailing on the side and the passengers all fell on top of each otherSome panicked:
'Oye Driva Tek time roun di carna noh man. Try yuh bbes jus let mi aff, mek mi
ketch aneda ship before yuh kill mi inya'

Meanwhile, on the deck the three men watched in horror as the ship came
dangerously close to the iceberg. The Captain trembled: 'Eternal fada bless our
land.. RUPERT and SAMMY unu sey a likkle praya caus wi bout fi pinnie walli up inyah.

SAMMY: Jus res yuh foot Capn', wi dun safe .wi a go mek it man
..a years mi a drive ship! And so as Sammy
predicted, the ship cleared the iceberg.
RUPERT: Respec! ..what a wicked one wheelie dat was.. kiss mi neck! Di Captn peepi im pants! They all laughed and
hugged and touched fists as a sign of relief.
The CAPTAIN spoke in the intercom: Ladies an genklemen ,dis
is your Captain speaking we about to land ..a mean
about to dock in about anodda half hour. Sit tightly and tank unu for sailing
the Titanic..your continued patronage is always
welcome.

Half eediat, full
eediatSome men were working on a construction site. The job
for the day was to carry building blocks from a delivery truck parked on the
road to the place on the site they would be laid. All the men not wishing to
strain themselves - especially their backs - were carrying two blocks each -
well almost all. One 'gladdis' who was always trying to impress the boss, face
contorted with effort, staggered around the corner with six bricks, nearly
colliding with a co-worker. After the job was finished, the co-worker said to
the 'six-block-man': "Tell me John, you is 32 years old, no true?". Surprised, John replied: "Fi real, Killa, de
man have judgement star”. How yuh guess dat?" "A no guess mi
guess," Killa declared, "Is simple Maths." "Wha'
kine a Maths inna dat?" John demanded. "Well", Killa
replied, "me have a bredda whe is 16 year ole an im is a half eediat, so
if yu a carry 6 brick one time yuh is a full eediat!!"

Mi waan go Jeopardy now!!

A man went to a travel agency in a panic, demanding that the travel agent write him a ticket to jeopardy, as he needed to get there ASAP

(As Soon As Possible). Thinking that she had not heard the man correctly, the lady asked him to repeat his proposed destination, to which he

replied: 'lady, mi hah fi get to Jeopardy'. The agent, still feeling quite perplexed by the man's request yet noting his agitated state, decided to

search her airline computers on the chance that she may find such a listing, but her fears were soon realized when the computer came up with

a blank as an answer. Her attempts to scan the Official Airline Guide for a routing proved futile also and by this time the man had begun to pace

the floor. "Sir", the agent beckoned to the man, "I have exhausted all my contacts and cannot find this 'Jeopardy' that you say you must get to.

Are you absolutely sure you have the correct name?" she enquired in exasperation as the man came to sit by her. "Lady", he replied, "Mi hear

over the radio that over 5000 jobs will be in JEOPARDY an' a deh mi waan fi go!"

A Jamaican Love Poem

You're the ackee in my saltfish

Condensed milk in my tea

The patty in my coco bread

Without you there is no me.

Just like coconut water

You're good for my heart

And Mr.Wray without his nephew

Is like when we are apart.

When you wrap your arms around me

Like banana leaf on blue draaws

There is nothing I wouldnt do for you

You know that im all yours.

I want to be with you always

Like when tin milk get short

An dem marry it with it to de mackerel to make sure de mackerel get bought.

Like carrot juice on Sunday

Mango in the summertime

I cant get enough of you

Please tell me you will be mine.

A Rastaman

A Rastaman went to visit an old family friend. The Rastaman knock pon di door and smaddy inside seh: " a who dat?"

The rastaman said: " It is I and I, Jah Rastafari, Kings of kings, Lord of lords, conquering lion of the tribe of Judah, son of Haile Selassie I" .

The person inside replied: " A me one dey yah and mi nah open mi door fi so much a oonu".

Mix Up!

Lecturer: Use the words: 'defence','defeat' and 'detail' to make a complete sentence.

BA Student: Di dawg jump over de fence and de feet went before de tail.

ONLY IN JAMAICA.

-citizens have to protect police from gunman.

-you will have police cars parked at rum bars.

-girls fat up themselves with fowl pill and bleach out them skin with toothpaste.

-country people a carry water and wood pon dem head and cell phone pon dem waist.

-the more mess politician mek is the more pay dem get.

-you have bicycle-by shootings.

-police go to arrest tief and dont have a handcuff.

-is the greatest tourist attraction: RENT A DREAD!

-traffic is so bad dat you reach work quicker walking than driving.

-firefighter reach di fire scene and have no water to out the fire.

You know you are in Jamaica when you have a pothole so big when you drop in, you caan come out.

Nowhere else in the world could you go and find such peace and contentment wid so much madness and confusion at the same time.

The Car Crash

Tragically, three Jamaican friends die in a car crash a doctor,a teacher and a

hotelier, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven.

Before being allowed to enter, they are each asked a

question by St. Peter. "When you are in your casket, and friends

and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say

about you?" asked St. Peter.

The doctor answered, "I would like to hear them say that I was a

great doctor and I took care of all my children"

The teacher said, "I would like to hear that I was a

wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge

difference in children's lives.

The hotelier replied, "I would like to hear them say,

"RAHTID!HIM A MOVE!!!!'"

Diary of a jamaican who just moved to South Dakota, USA

October 8th

We have arrived in America!!! Finally! This marks a new chapter in our lives.

It's very nice here. It's a little cool, but who needs HOT weather? This is perfect ... not too hot, not too cold.

October 15th

It is getting a little cooler, but we are adjusting. We bought some sweaters today and went

for a short walk. Loving America!!! This is what life's all about.

October 30th

The weather is definitely cooler now. We taped all the windows shut, so cold

air cannot creep in... Outside may be cold, but it feels like Jamaica in this house.

November 11th

The news reports say snow is on the way ... we cannot wait!!! We have never seen snow and it should be pretty exciting

to see it for the first time.

November 14th

Started snowing. The first of the season and the first real snow we have ever seen.

The wife cooked buttered buns and we sat by the window watching soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground.

Could never do anything like this in Jamaica. IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT!!!

November 15th

We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape.

What a FANTASTIC sight! Every tree and shrub was covered like a beautiful white

mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time and loved it. I did both our driveway and sidewalk.

Later, the city snow plow came along and accidentally covered up the front of our driveway with compacted snow from the street.

The driver smiled and waved and I waved back and shoveled again.

Americans are so friendly!

November 18th

It snowed an additional twelve inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around four degrees. The cold weather is not so bad... we

can take this, not at all as bad as we imagined. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our

driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snow plow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray.

November 19th

Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice again.

Bought snow tires for both cars. I slipped and fell on my "batty" in the driveway,

paid $130 for the chiropractor, but fortunately nothing was broken.

More snow and ice expected.

November 20th

Still cold. Sold my wife's BMW and bought a 4x4 in order to get to work.

November 21st

On my way to work, the 4x4 skidded into the guardrail and did considerable damage to

the right fender. We had another 15 inches of white stuff last night. The

vehicle is covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me again.

If me can ketch a flight, at least mi will reach just in time fi Christmas dung a yard.

'Merica a nuh fi everybody!!!!

Glad to meet the
DevilThis woman had a
husband who had come home drunk every payday. He had to walk past a graveyard
to reach home. She decided to scare him out of his bad ways so one payday she
put a white sheet over herself and hid in the graveyard. As he was passing she
jumped out into the road and at the top of her voice shouted: "Ahoooooooo!
Ahoooooooo!". Staggering and with slurred speech
the man peered at the figure and said: "Who the hell is that?"
"I am the devil", she replied. The man smiled broadly and advanced
with hand outstretched: "Damned pleased to meet you. I'm Harold Jones. I
married your sister."

All a u life...A pastor visiting
from England asked a Jamaican dread to carry
him fishing one day. Before beginning their journey the pastor asked if the
dread prayed. "No iyah, man no fi pray", replied the dread.
"Quarter of you life gone my brother, quarter of you life gaun", answered
the pastor and they took off on the dread's boat. At lunchtime the pastor took
out his lunch to eat and asked the dread if he ate pork. "No iyah, man nuh
fi eat pork", replied the dread. "Hauf of you life gone my brother,
hauf of you life gaun", answered the pastor in return. After a while the
boat developed problems and started to sink. The dread asked the pastor:
"Can you swim?" The pastor replied: "No I can't swim". To
this the dread said (feigning the English accent): "Well...whole of your
life gaun my brother, whole of your life gone!"

Firing Squad MishapThree men, a
Jamaican, a Trinidadian and a Barbadian were given death sentences and
scheduled to be shot at dawn. The firing squad assembled and the Barbadian was
the first to face them. He thought furiously how he could save his life, and as
the command : "Ready, aim..." was given he
shouted "Earthquake!". Terrified at such a natural disaster, the
firing squad ran away and the Barbadian escaped. When the Trinidadian's turn
came, after "Ready, aim..." he shouted "Hurricane!". Again the firing squad was terrified and ran away
and he escaped. The Jamaican smiled as he was led to the execution spot; he was
sure he would escape. As the command "Ready, aim..." was given, with
a broad grin he shouted: "Fire!"

Danke like yuh
puppa!
A certain staff member at a tourist resort had just started learning German and
had been told to practice as much orally as possible. The staff member decided
to start practising with a co-worker who had absolutely no knowledge of the
language. The co-worker did a good deed one day and, in reply, the German
practicer said politely "DANKE" (which means 'thank you'). The
co-worker, shocked, replied loudly and defensively: "Donkey like yuh
pupa!"

Jah will save me
A small village some miles away experienced heavy rains. A rastafarian's
home was flooded out. On the roof the rastafarian
prayed to Jah to save him. Feeling sure that his prayer would be answered he
waited patiently. After a few minutes some men came in a boat and asked him if
he needed help. To this he replied: "Jah will save I and
I." So the boat left. A few minutes passed then a plane came to aid
the dread followed by a helicopter, and each time the Ras replied: "Jah
will save di I."
Alas, the Ras drowned. When he was resurrected and met Jah in heaven he asked:
"Jah, why yuh mek mi drown? You never hear mi
prayer?"
"Of course mi hear, dat is why mi send boat,
plane and helicopter fi yuh."

Ina De Pool
One day dis rich man was having a party at him yard.
Him was loaded, and he had everything; money, a big house pon di hills, drugs,girls, cars, planes; anything him wanted. Dis man was also
a little eccentric, and he had filled his pool with crocodiles.
So there he was, him and him fren dem, all standing around drinking, getting
high and partying next to de pool.
Den him get up pon di lifegard tower and all him fren dem look up.
Him call for silence and says "OK, the first
person fi swim cross mi pool will get all mi money." Nobody
nuh move.Him look ova di crowd, draw pon him
joint and says "OK, di first person fi swim cross mi pool gets all mi
money and mi house." Still nobody nuh move.
"OK den, the first person fi swims across mi pool gets all mi money, mi
house and all mi cars and planes." Still, nobody nuh move, not even a eye blink dis time.
"OK den, all mi money, mi house, all mi cars, all mi planes, all the dope
yuh can handle, all mi property, all mi stocks and bonds and investments and
all di girls yuh can handle; everyting mi own." "Splash!"
Someone's in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but him roll ova like
Tarzan, him all over di place, fighting and dodging. Finally him
get outta di pool on the other side. Di rich man on di tower jumps down and
runs over to him. "Hey man, dat was incredible! I neva
thought that mi woulda ever see dat done.
Yuh want di money now or latah?"
"Ah don't want di money."
"Yuh want di house now or latah?"
"Ah don't want di house."
"Yuh want di cars and planes now or latah?"
"Ah don't wand the cars or di planes."
"Yuh want di bonds, stocks and stuff now or latah?"
"Ah don't want none ah dat."
"Yuh want di girls now or latah?" "Ah don't want di girls."
Di rich man look pon him and seh "Woh what de hell yuh want?!?!"
"Ah want di owl eediat who push me inna di pool."

Go back to the $20
ears
Tony was sitting in a crowded bar when Bobby, a 'friend' of his who was always
broke, approached him and whispered in his left ear: "Tony, beg yuh a $20
nuh?" Tony, pretending to be hard of hearing, said: "Whe yu seh? Ah
caan hear yuh?"
Bobby repeated: "Beg yuh a $20 nuh?" Tony pretended to be still
unable to hear. Bobby then went around to Tony's right ear and said:
"Begyuh a $50 nuh?"
Tony replied: "Boss, ah beg yuh go back to de $20 ears!"

How Manley found Jamaica
Fidel Castro of Cuba, Maurice Bishop of Grenada and Michael Manley of Jamaica were returning from a meeting
with Mikael Gorbachev in Moscow in the late 1970s. However, there
was a powercut over the entire Caribbean, so the pilot of the plane they were in could not
identify which country they were over so the plane could land.

The three leaders reassured him that they could identify their respective
nations, as long as he opened a window. This the pilot immediately did. After
flying for a while, Castro shouted: "Si! This is my beloved Cuba. I smell the sugar!" The
pilot then located the landing strip, let off Castro and took off again. Bishop
then erupted: "There she is, my spice island.
Smell that nutmeg!" The pilot landed, let off Bishop and took off again,
with only Manley on board. "What about you sir?",
he enquired, "How are you going to identify your country?"
"Everything is under control" Manley replied. He then stuck his hand
with a $50,000 gold watch outside the window. When he took it back in, the
watch was gone. "We're over Jamaica!" he announced.

Mango tree stoning
Two men were stoning a mango tree, trying to hit down a large mango right in
the top, when one said to the other: "All de stone we a stone, suppose de
mango no ripe?"
"True," said his friend, "Check it out nuh."
The first man then climbed the tree, went way to the top where the limbs were
dangerously thin, felt the mango and came back down.
"It ripe," he said to his friend. "We naa fling stone fi nutten
man." They then began to stone the mango tree again.

Jamaicans in heaven and hellSt. Peter came to the Lord and said, "Lord, I have to talk to
you. I have a problem. I know we have affirmative action and we are supposed to
have 20,000 Jamaicans in heaven. But they are causing so many problems!

They have torn down the Pearly Gates by swinging on them. They have stolen my
horn. They have gotten jerk sauce all over their white robes. Drumpan chicken
is being sold all over the Streets of Gold. Some are walking around with only
one wing because they are "styling". Angels must have two wings to
fly!

The white robes are eternal and must be washed five times a day. Some haven't
washed their robes since they arrived because they don't do "day's
work". Many who came here because they used salt are still using it
because they don't like "ital" food. Some have refused to take their
turn in helping keep the Stairway to Heaven clean. Some refuse to wear their
halos because they don't fit right over their hairstyles. Reggae music is
blasted at all hours of night at their "bashments", disturbing all
the other residents. They have planted marijuana in the Garden of Eden since
the soil is so fertile.

What should I do?!" The Lord said, "It wouldn't be fair to not let
Jamaicans in heaven. They have just as much right to be here as other
nationalities. Maybe we just don't know how to deal with them; maybe we are
using the wrong approach. We need to check with someone who has more experience
dealing with them. Let's call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone and said, "Hello, Lord. What can I do for
you?" The Lord said, "We have a problem up here, and we'd like to
talk to you about it." The Devil said, "Just a minute, I've got to
put you on hold." The Devil was gone five minutes. He came back to the
phone and said, "OK Lord, I'm back. What's up?" The Lord said,
"Well, I would like to talk to you about a problem up here." Once
again the Devil excused himself and put the Lord on hold. This time he was gone
for fifteen minutes. Finally, the Devil came back to the phone and said,
"Lord, I am really sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to go.
These damm Jamaicans down here ... They have just put out the fire!"