No matter the medication, I certainly didn’t tell my dentist to leave the TV locked on ESPN, nor did I say I was a fan. But there was the match, punctuated by odd guttural noises both within and without the room, and I gripped the chair while the Tooth Grinder™ revved and the racquets swung.

The sports mascot ecosystem is a strange and unsettling place. The animals within it act in ways that are both familiar and wholly unexpected. Even if we put aside pressing questions about the suspension of traditional predator-prey relationships during games, and focus on their biographies, we still know so little about the interior lives of these creatures.