Tuesday, May 28, 2013

For many reasons, both political and personal, I never thought I'd be married. And now I am. I'm still processing the glory of yesterday's experience, and I think it'll be a while before I can write about it with any degree of cogency. Instead, I'm going to provide the text of the ceremony for those of you who are interested in checking it out, along with the menu and list of people toasting. I do not have the text of the actual toasts, which is especially unfortunate because they were some of the real highlights for me.

Before I launch into the text itself, however, there are a few thoughts I'd like to share. Yesterday, I found myself asking: why is getting married important? I pondered this question in both its gay context and empirically. I certainly know many couple, gay and straight, who have spent years and decades together without any of the bru-ha-ha of a wedding and I don't think they're any less in love than a married couple. There is, however, something significant about taking a few hours out of your life and celebrating two people's love for each other. Standing in front of your community and taking oaths (or, incorporating your community into your oath-taking, as we did) is powerful. It binds you to your partner, and to your community. Like in a Racine play, the word is the event and vice versa. Yesterday, I promised Rafael that I would honor, cherish and respect him. When next I'm feeling petty or unhappy, I hope to summon the memory of those oaths and use it as a talisman to inspire me to better. And I do believe that the formality of the event, and its publicity, will make it more potent that if Rafael and I had done it by our lonesome, or without a legal state.

I WELCOME

I
am deeply honored to welcome you to this joyous occasion.

Today
we are here to share in the marriage ceremony between Rafael Ascencio and
Michael Barakiva and to mark this important moment together. We want to welcome both family and
friends who have traveled far distances to participate in today—people who have
been such meaningful supporters in the lives and journeys of both Michael and
Rafael, including John Iacovelli from Los Angeles, a city Michael loves, Marco
Barricelli, Beatrica Basso, Ariel Ford and Durand Ford from the Bay Area, and
Charlie and Laurie Beth Rose Engbring, who bought an RV five days ago and drove
up from Savannah, Georgia. We especially
want to acknowledge Rafael’s family who came here from Mexico City: his mother
Margarita, his brother Luis Antonio, his Godmother Sylvia, his aunt Evangelina,
his cousins Adriana, Ana Luisa, Alejandra, Eduardo, and Eduardo’s partner,
Alicia and his friends Carlos and Carmen, as well as Francisco and Ricardo who
came from Italy and Mercedes, who came from Canada.

Michael
was my first real friend in New York.
We became friends over the course of one week at Lincoln Center,
participating in a program for emerging theater directors. I think all of us who became friends
that week are here today. That was back in 1998.

Since
then, we laughed and struggled our way through our 20’s, he supported my own
relationship and helped me navigate career, love, family—and when Rafael
entered at the top of the second act, here in our 30’s, they have cooked for
me, introduced me to the best authentic Mexican chefs across the country, and
were there for me and my partner Makela when we decided to start a family with
the birth of our now almost three year old son, Max.

It
gives me personal joy as well to welcome you to this space, this historic
setting, The O’Neill, where I have had the honor of being Artistic Director for
almost 10 years now. Beneath this
copper beach tree, some of the greatest theater artists have worked—honing
their craft and telling profound stories that have impacted the world. Indeed
Eugene O’Neill himself, considered one of the greatest playwrights of all time,
grew up down the street in New London, and was inspired by this landscape. It
is fitting that in this theatrical setting we come together to share the story
of Michael and Rafael’s relationship and to all celebrate their union in
marriage. Many of us from the theatre consider this space, this land, even
right under this tree, to be sacred space. It is a space where our ancestors
walked—it is a space where we feel the ghosts who pass this legacy onto us.

I
would be remiss if I didn’t mention that one of the important people in
Michael’s life, playwright Wendy Wasserstein, began her own theatrical journey
here and often returned to The O’Neill throughout her life. We lost Wendy too soon. And that loss was felt on a very
personal level, I know, for Michael.
I know Wendy is here today.
She wouldn’t miss the wedding day of Michael and Rafael and she would be
so incredibly happy for you both.

Wendy’s
characters sought to find love, as we all do.

Maamoun Jibali, my un-boyfriend's actual boyfriend, designed our flowers and rings. Fab, no? The runners and chuppah were designed by Shoko Kambara, one of my fav set designers, from the same material shown here.

Jamie
Blumenthal in Wendy’s play Isn’t It Romantic said this about marriage: “When
I’m 28, I’m going to get married and be very much in love with someone who is poor
and fascinating until he’s thirty and then fabulously wealthy after that. And we’re going to have children who
wear overalls and flannel shirts and are kind and independent with curly blond
hair. And we’ll have great sex and still hold hands when we are travel to China
when we’re sixty.”

I
think we can all identify with Jamie’s dream—the notion to have someone who
evolves with you over time, someone who will grow old with you and hold your
hand as you move through time.

It
may sound very old fashioned, but it is indeed in this space of romance and
love Michael and Rafael began their relationship—

II. First Song – Kiss Me Each Morning

Michael
and Rafael made each other CDs with their favorite songs, early in their
courtship. Michael heard the Bettye
Swan cover of the song KISS ME EACH MORNING and knew that it had to go on
Rafael’s next mix. The song will
be performed by Maria Thayer, with Jim Russell and Glen DeVries on Guitar and
Uri Attia on Percussion.

III. First Reading – LOVE IN THE TIME
OF CHOLERA

Another
passion that Michael and Rafael share is a love for the writings of the Magic
Realists. Our first reading will
be a passage from LOVE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, read
by Rafael’s best friend Mercedes Aldana, a lawyer and an actress from Garcia
Marquez’ native land, Colombia.

Quotes from Love in the Time of Cholera

“Together
they had overcome the daily incomprehension, the instantaneous hatred, the
reciprocal nastiness, and fabulous flashes of glory in the conjugal conspiracy.
It was time when they both loved each other best, without hurry or excess, when
both were most conscious of and grateful for their incredible victories over
adversity. Life would still present them with other moral trials, of course,
but that no longer mattered: they were on the other shore.”

“Very
well, I will marry you if you promise not to make me eat eggplant.”

“And
how long do you think we can keep this coming and going?

Florentino
Ariza had kept his answer ready for fifty three years, seven months and eleven
days and nights.

Although it was chilly to have our ceremony and reception outdoors, our perseverance was acknowledged by a beautiful rainbow that appeared high in the sky.

IV. ON MARRIAGE:

Like
any great love story with a happy ending, the initial days of Michael and
Rafael’s courtship were marked with difficulties. Although they met and were immediately drawn to each other,
Michael was leaving to travel the world for a directing job.

However,
just days after he left, Michael penned his first letter to Rafael and their
real story started.

Thus
began a long period of letter writing and great anticipation built as they
would each wait for each other’s missives. In Germany, Michael asked the front desk staff of the hotel
where he was staying if a letter had arrived for him every morning. The staff felt so bad when they saw the
disappointment on his face that they actually wrote him a letter themselves.

Once
back in the same space, New York, Rafael and Michael continued getting to know
each other. There was a day when Rafael
said he was having some doubts about their future, but Michael said “I just
want to walk with you around the park, that’s all.” Both Rafael and Michael are modern men, with fast paced
lives so the idea of just being together, in the same space, outside with that
sort of singular focus, a focus on each other is something Rafael remembers
fondly as a true turning point. It
culminated in a kiss outside the lobby of Rafael’s office building. Even that
moment felt complicated, but as Rafael recalls, he knew he had to track Michael
down and work toward something with this man. No matter where their travels took them, whether it be
Mexico, Europe, Philadelphia or Ninth Avenue.

Both
Michael and Rafael felt drawn to each other for many reasons and those reasons
continued to drive and guide their relationship for these beginning years. It is clear that these ties will
continue to be very meaningful in their marriage.

Michael
and Rafael come from rich cultural backgrounds, and their love for their
families and their cultures are strong.
They are both passionate about their ideals, and their work. Both have a great spirit of artistry
and it draws them to each other—Rafael has now officially inherited the world
of the theatre, which he embraces and draws inspiration and joy from as
well. Rafael also paints and learned
to appreciate the importance and role of the artist since he was a little boy,
from his Grandmother Tita, who sang professionally in the 1930s with her
sisters, The Navarro Sisters. Rafael
has talked to me about Michael’s passion, and it is a large passion—and that he
feels they have a good balance in their relationship between being passionate
and grounded.

And then we got our second rainbow, a glorious, full-sky, full-arc affair. If you think roasting two lambs in caja china boxes to feed 125 guests was tricky, you should see what I had to do to get these rainbows.

And
then of course there is food. Both
Michael and Rafael love food. They love to cook, they love to shop for the best
ingredients, and one of their
favorite things about traveling is the opportunity to eat at some of the best
restaurants in the world. —they
have introduced each other to their favorite foods, and Rafael has taught
Michael how to make his pomegranate guacamole and Michael has taught Rafael how
to make hummus. They have taught each
other about their cultures and hearts via meals and conversation, and are
founding a new Israeli-Armenian-Mexican fusion movement that they’re sure will
be the next hot thing. They see
the act of cooking as one of love, like great art, meant to draw people
together. Michael even made Rafael’s
favorite mole recipe, after spending an entire 24 hour period grinding the
appropriate spices, putting energy and love into that mole—bringing their
cultures and families, together.

And
that brings us here today. A day
of union. A day of celebration and reflection.

While
on a trip home to Mexico, actually a sad occasion—it was the memorial for Rafael’s
father who had passed away—Rafael noted Michael lagging behind to speak to his
mother and brother. Rafael assumed Michael was privately passing along his
condolences, but he also sensed some sort of feeling of joy. Actually, what was happening was that
Michael was asking if he could have their blessing in asking Rafael to marry
him—which they agreed to—Rafael’s father had already given Michael a “10” and
he did so because language was limited because of his aphasia—he would rank
people, and Michael ranked the highest.
Rafael still speaks about that moment when he didn’t know what was
happening, but felt joyous. He now
knows it was his father dancing, and celebrating for him and for Michael.

V SECOND READING – WILD
NIGHTS

Our
last reading will be Wild Nights by Emily Dickinson, performed by Lindsey
Gates. Michael directed Lindsey in
a one-woman show about Emily Dickinson through the Lake George Theater Lab,
which Lindsey founded eight years ago and where Michael proudly serves as
Resident Director. This play, The Belle of Amherst, was the first play
of Michael’s that Rafael saw. When
Rafael saw that Michael had dedicated the play to him, it brought tears to his
eyes.

In
the email where she accepted the invitation to read this poem at the wedding,
Lindsey wrote:

I
remember sitting in your apartment working on this play, eating avocados and
watching you fall in love. Mostly I remember the look on your face, realizing
it was merely time that would make the inevitability of this relationship
happen. It was summer. It was hot. They were wild nights.

Lindsey Reads WILD NIGHTS:

Wild
Nights – Wild nights!

Were
I with thee

Wild
nights should be

Our
luxury!

Futile
– the Winds –

To
a Heart in port –

Done
with the Compass –

Done
with the chart!

Rowing
in Eden –

Ah,
the Sea!

Might
I but moor – Tonight -

In
thee!

VI. Vows

When
Michael proposed to Rafael, again in the spirit of romance, he led Rafael to a
bench on the bank of the Hudson River on the West Side of Manhattan.

This
bench had been a special place for them both, a place they walked to, talked
on, dreamed about life and possibly a life together. They had spent celebrated every monthly anniversary at this
bench, going their each 24th, since they started dating on May 24th,
2009.

However,
on their three-year anniversary, May 24th 2001, Michael led Rafael
to the bench and something was different.
Rafael admits his eyesight isn’t the best, so at first, he didn’t see
it, but then, Michael proposed to Rafael by reading “100 REASONS WHY I WANT YOU
TO MARRY ME/I WANT TO MARRY YOU,” which he had written on the bench the day
before.

Michael
would like to invite the guests here to recite these reasons, as his vows, to
Rafael. If you received a yellow
index card, please take it out now.
Please speak clearly, articulate well, and make sure to say your number
so that the next number knows when to go.
Michael, would you start us off?

100 Reasons Why I Want You To Marry Me/

(100 Reasons Why I Want To Marry You)

1.
We make each other happy and I believe we will continue to do so for the rest
of our lives.

2.
We’re learning how to disagree.

3.
When I asked your brother for his blessing, he gave it and called me hermano.

82.
The world is a place of possibility for you, a place to surprise
and be surprised, full of joy and marvel.

83.
Your ex-wife is your best friend.

84.
Wendy Wasserstein would’ve approved.

85.
You massage my feet. With lotion.

86.
You enjoy a good dinner party.

87.
We have followed each other, through Central New Jersey and Hell’s
Kitchen, for most of our lives.

88.
The 24th.

89.
With you, three years feels like a long time in all the ways it
should and a short time in all the ways it should.

90.
You don’t pry.

91.
But are inquisitive.

92.
When you smile my hearts sings.

93.
I trust you will appreciate this gesture.

94.
I feel least self-conscious and most myself when I am with you.

95.
You prefer experiences to objects.

96.
When it’s chilly at night and we cuddle, you glow.

97.
You’re not scared to haggle.

98.
I’m not sure what your response will be.

99.
You’re the love of my life.

100.
You would’ve forgiven me if I only came up with 99.

Rafael
was genuinely surprised that day on the bench, one year ago. He had no idea
this would be the day for this proposal.
He didn’t immediately say yes, which Michael says, made him “want to
hurl my body into the Hudson River”—in his Romantic Hero way.

But
a few moments later, Rafael did accept and a few days later, Rafael returned
the proposal with a resounding and passionate “100 REASONS WHY I SAID YES.”

Yet
again, romantic, inventive and artistic, their proposal and its acceptance was
marked with their unique style and homage to Love.

Rafael
would like to invite the guests here to recite these reasons, as his vows, to
Michael. If you received a green
index card, please take it out now.
Please speak clearly, articulate well, and make sure to say your number
so that the next number knows when to go.
Rafael, would you start us off?

You are my love

Our love has evolved and grown from within

We are learning to disagree gracefully

Your eyes

You love my country

We adopted PJ, our teddy bear

You don’t mind that my hair gets crazy in the rain

Your beautiful curly hair

You love your family

I love your mother

I love your father

You don’t like the suburbs

Plays never direct you

You direct plays

The people you work with love you

You write handwritten letters

You found the letter that I sent you to Berlin

You made three books for me

Your sense of space is magnificent

I am never blue thinking of you

You read my poems

I feel secure when I am holding your hand

You give love to strangers

You know what you want

The world is interesting through your filter

Your friends love you and they show it

You include me

Your brother and sister

Creative space is a priority for you

It is important to make time for our love

You love passionately

You sing out loud with your earphones on

Your hands

We sometimes live in my cat Taco’s world

You inspired me to paint again

We meet every month at the same bench and write our
initials

You open the door for me

You cry when you’re moved

You take pictures of small dogs

You like my dog Mezcal

You drink tequila straight up like Mexicans do

You surprise me with details

The art of giving is something you’ve mastered

Nothing makes me prouder than walking into a room with
you

You know how much I loved my Grandmother Tita and you
love her too

You take pride in your work

You write beautifully

You have big feet

Cooking is an art that you master

You learned how to make mole

You love Puerto Escondido

Your name is like San Miguel

You believe in magic realism

I lived in the same building as Wendy Wasserstein

We might have met each other in another life

People smile when we are holding hands on the street

You taught me to love Wild Nights

You bought me a cinnamon ice cream on the street in
December

I wrote a poem about it and you framed it

You know when to apologize and you accept an apology
gracefully

You know how to say no

You know when to say yes

I cried at your Grandmother Nana’s funeral

Nana’s painting is hanging on our walls with mine and
I feel honored

You came to my father’s funeral

My father, Pepe, gave you a 10

You understand how much I miss my Dad

You love my mother

You learned all of my cousins’ names

You feel at home in Mexico

Understanding why I love my city came naturally to you

You have been kind and graceful to my family and
friends

And they love you

You know how to treat me

We laugh together

We love good food

We believe in the future of us

We are patient and loving with our families

My brother responds to your affection

You play soccer

We talk every day

You put your arm around me

You once said “I want something more” and this changed
our lives

Your legs

You do yoga

You allow me to be myself

We love Oaxaca

Fear of risk is not in your agenda

We loved Umbria

We had a Roman Holiday

You have allowed me to collaborate with you in your
projects

Mercedes loves you

You know when to kiss

You had a green umbrella

We dream of a beautiful future together

When the time comes, I want to be with you

You got tickets for Barbra Streisand

You kneeled when you proposed to me

I only wrote 99 reasons why I said Yes

100.Because
the 100th one cannot be written in words

VI.5 – Unity Ritual

(At this point, Ana Luisa gets
three containers – two contain clear liquids and one is empty vessel. Rafael and I are each handed one with
liquid and she holds the empty one.)

Before you met, your lives
were separate roads, each going in a different direction and seemingly leading
to different destinations. But you met, fell in love, and today you find
yourselves standing together at the entrance of a new path that will forever
join your once separate journeys

You each hold a vessel of
liquid. Each represents the separate journeys you once were on, as well as your
own sets of friends and families that once were apart. When you combine them,
it will represent the coming together of your friends and family, through your
marriage, into one. And as the two liquids are poured into one container, your
once solitary journeys will now be one of companionship, as you walk a single
path together into your future.

"I now ask that you
pour the liquids together.

(the liquids are now poured, forming a new pink
solution)

As the liquid has been
joined, your lives are now joined, your separate journeys through life are now
one. Your friends and family are as one as well, for now you will share those
who are in your lives and will walk hand-in-hand along the path of your
marriage - united and strong, as inseparable form each other as this new
solution."

VII. RING VOWS

Ayden,
could we have the rings please?

(Ayden, my nephew, delivers
the rings. I take Rafael’s ring
and recite)

I,
Michael

Give
to you, Rafael

This
Ring

As
a symbol of my love and loyalty

And
I promise

to
honor, respect and cherish you

In
good times and in bad

In
sickness and in health

For
all of the days of my life.

(I put the ring on Rafael’s finger. Then Rafael recites:)

Yo,
Rafael

Te
entrego a ti, Michael

Este
Anillo

Como
símbolo de mi amor y mi lealtad

Y prometo

Honrarte, respetarte y adorarte

En buenos y malos tiempos

En la enfermedad y en la salud

Por todos los días de mi vida

(Rafael puts the ring on
Michael’s finger.)

By
the power vested in me by the State of Connecticut, one of the twelve states in
the United States where gay marriage is legal, I now pronounced you
married. You may kiss the groom.

(We kiss.)

VIII.
Post Declaration Ritual

In
the Jewish tradition, a glass is broken by the groom on the wedding as a
reminder that we must remember temperance even during times of extreme
joy. It has evolved into a more
celebratory ritual.

My sister brings a glass
wrapped in a napkin and I step on it.)

The
meaning of this ancient pagan ritual is that the egg, as a living cell, is
rubbed to absorb the evil spirits and purify the soul of the new couple. The
egg is then broken in a glass, for new beginnings.

(Ricardo takes an egg, wave
it around us, then crack it into a bowl.)

FINAL
COMMENTARY:

Michael
and Rafael, you both learned to trust each other, you have the blessing of your
family and friends and as Janie says in ISN’T IT ROMANTIC:

“All
you have to do is trust me a little bit.
I believe a person should have a little originality, a little “you
know”—otherwise, you just grow old like everybody else. And you know, I like
life, life, life. Relax and let me
figure it out”