Cats, dogs and chronic illness

Category: The Daily Post

My anxiety attacks are as like the tide. Everything starts with a flow that builds up for what seems to be a painful long time. The quiet murmering of the waves turns into a terrifying roar as they race towards the coast. When they reach the shore, they come down with a loud crash, destroying everything on their way down. Then, all of a sudden, every little bit of energy is lost. The body of water lingers around limply until the ebb sucks it back into the ocean of my feelings. But as surely as the ebb is followed by the flow, it will rise again.

It took me years to notice the many warning signs my body and soul give me before I find myself in a situation I can’t handle anymore.

First, I become agitated. My fingers start tapping on the table or I hold on my purse for dear life. My feet move on the floor, even when I am sitting down. My back becomes rigid. In short, my whole body tells me to get out and take a break.

When I ignore these early warnings signs, my soul joins the chorus. Anxiety bubbles up from deep inside until I am unable to focus anymore. My eyes start searching for a way to leave the room – where is the door, how far away is it?

I learned the hard way that this is the last point where I can control the situation. Often excusing myself for a short bathroom break helps. After a few steps the adrenaline is going down and I start to relax. If possible I try to stay in the moment and notice as many things as I can: The cooler air outside the crowded room, the smell of detergent in the toilets, how the cold water feels on my wrists. When I come back, everything is back to normal. And nobody will be the wiser.

If I push myself further and don’t react to these warning signs, everything goes to hell and I have to go through a full-blown anxiety attack. This is something I can’t hide from those around me.

At first, I felt like I was literally taking the easy way out when taking a short break. But now I think dealing with it the way I do is rather smart: Ignoring warning signs leads to escalation, reacting to them to de-escalation. So my advice would be to listen to yourself and coming up with a coping mechanism that works for you.

During winter, when most trees are without leaves, you can see how many branches a single tree has. It surprises me every time. When spring comes, everything will again be covered in various shades of green. The whole tree is hidden beneath it, until you come close, you can only guess what the structure of the tree really is like.

The branches form the appearance of a tree. They can be long or short, some are sturdy, some are delicate. But they belong to the same tree.
Branches point away from the tree. They reach out into the world.

I think humans are a lot like trees. We too have a trunk, our body. From our body, we reach out into the world in many ways, like the branches. Our branches are thoughts and feelings. Often they are hidden behind our appearance and looks, like branches in the summer.

But sometimes, we can’t hold up our appearances, when bad things happen, when we are hurt or sad. And we lose our mask and shudder in the cold. But we are still beautiful, just in another way. And then, suddenly, there are buds on our naked branches, they slowly give way to leaves and we are back to normal again. Be patient, winter will pass. It always does.

There are times, where a branch is met with resistance, a wall, or another tree, and can’t continue to grow in an certain direction. This is when we are confronted with the fact, that not everything we long for comes true. But we have so many other branches that help us to explore the world.

We can learn so much from trees. They may stop becoming taller, but the trunk continues to get broader, and new branches keep developing from the trunk. When you can’t reach your original goal, find other possibilities to grow. And who knows, maybe the fence that prevented you from growing is gone tomorrow, and you can grow in the direction you wanted at a later point in life.

Be like a tree: Continue to grow, and don’t stop making new branches that reach out into the world!

When I was in my twenties, I never missed an episode of The X-Files. I was a shipper, meaning I was focussed on the relationship between Mulder and Scully. And of course there was this wonderful dialogue in “Amor fati”:

Mulder: Scully, I was like you once. I didn’t know who to trust. Then I… I chose another path… another life, another fate, where I found my sister. The end of my world was unrecognizable and upside down. There was one thing that remained the same. You were my friend, and you told me the truth. Even when the world was falling apart, you were my constant. My touchstone.

Scully: And you are mine.

When it was decided there would be new episodes on TV, I was thrilled. I enjoyed the two X-Files movies, but sitting in our living room with my husband and watching Mulder and Scully bickering on TV brings back the feeling of twenty years ago. So much has changed since I watched the first episode. I never was completely out of touch with the fandom, there was always wonderful fan fiction to read.

In Germany, we are a little bit late and season 11 will be aired in March. So please do not disturb us on Wednesday evenings, while we are glued to our TV and feel young again!

It is not that I don’t trust my subconscious: Pondering on the first thoughts and feelings plays an important part in coming to a conclusion.

It is not that I can’t be spontaneous: It can be so much fun to act on impulses, but not where severe consequences are to be expected.

But I like to make informed decisions. Gathering information by talking to other people or consulting the internet helps me to see aspects I otherwise wouldn’t have been aware of. I listen to everybody, but I have the final say.

Sometimes thinking things through makes me change my mind, and I end up doing something different from my initial thoughts.

Sometimes my train of thoughts takes me back to the beginning, and it is like I never spend time wondering what to do.

But taking the time to see an issue from all sides is never in vain. It helps me to calmly accept whatever comes after the decision has been made. Because I know I made the best decision possible, and this is all I can ask for.

I have to admit it, I am a creature of habit. Not extremely so, it is not like task A has to be completed at time B. But sticking to some points of orientation helps a lot.

I suffer from major depression and anxiety disorder to the point where everything can become a real challenge. Quitting work also robbed my of my daily structure. This is a blessing, because I am not overwhelmed by the daily events anymore. It is also a curse, because I have to make up my own daily routine now.

I forget things easily, so every new appointment is written in my calendar app asap. My mobile phone is always nearby, so this is the best solution. The kind of app I use syncs automatically with my laptop and tablet, so whatever device I use I know I am always up to date. Before I go to bed, I check the appointments for the next day and set the alarm clock if necessary. This gives me the opportunity to start the day as early as needed, so I don’t feel rushed or anxious.

After waking up, I take my meds and have breakfast. After that I try to do chores, it makes me feel better to know I did something productive. If possible, I try to schedule my therapy and doctors appointments in the late morning, because this is my best time. Later, when my husband comes home from work, I cook dinner. While I am up and about, I try again to squeeze some chores in, like washing the dishes, so I have the good feeling of having accomplished something.

After that, I take a nap, get online or whatever I want to do. My husband usually goes to bed around 10 p.m. and I usually take this as my sign to take my night meds, brush my teeth, check my appointments for the next day and join him. So I take my meds at the same time every evening and have regular sleep schedule.

This are many small things that make me feel like I have some control over my life, and it does wonders for my mood. In hectic times when sticking to my schedule is not possible, I feel more stressed and sad.

It was the day after I had surgery on my left leg to beat melanoma. A wide excision of the tumor and a sentinel lymph note biopsy had been performed. The surgeon came to me and we talked. First he told me that everything went according to plan, and that he was very sure that nothing of the melanoma was left. So I didn’t need further treatments like chemotherapy or radiation for now. He had a look at the incision and said, that it was healing well. But I still had questions.

“Do you have any idea how long ago the melanoma started to grow?” I asked. He hesistated and replied: “It’s difficult to say, but my guess would be about a year.”

I nodded. Everything made sense now. The tiredness, the ear infection that didn’t heal.

He went on: “We found dead cells in the tumor, that means your body started attacking it.”

I let this sink in for a while. My body had been fighting cancer all the time. But there was one more thing I wanted to know. I rarely got sunburnt in my childhood, I do not have many birthmarks or freckles, we rarely had been to southern Europe in the summer, I used sunscreen, so…