View full sizeWe can all benefit from reminders on healthy parenting. http://www.flickr.com/photos/annbrasco/11139546613

Before parenthood, I had visions of a brood of little Von Trapp’s singing away before bedtime. I assumed that if I selflessly put the time and energy into sitting down and selecting a story to read, that my children would calmly sit mesmerized by my every alliteration. Then I had children.

I’m a sing-songy Julie Andrews once a year. I’m more of a Miss Hannigan once a week.

I try not to let work, pressure, and life itself nudge its way into the chasm between the parent I aspire to be and who I am in action. Parenting is an unequal formula of patience, consistency, humor, gut-trusting, thinking-outside-the-box, and occasional bribery.

We all have days littered with tantrums, mismatched socks, uncombed hair, and bribery. The right path is a wide and wild road with more than one-way to get there. Its bumpy roads, however, are filled with tight turns and low bridges. Sometimes we all need those flashing, bright indicators to let us know we’re off track.

Here is my own* list of warning signs:

1. You spend more time texting others than talking to your children.
2. Your idea of unconditional love is never telling your kids 'no'.
3. Your child’s schedule is rigidly regimented yet their behavior is not.
4. You believe manners are for the British and really old people.
5. Your child’s birthday parties are thrown for your friends not theirs.
6. Your child is an Amadeus at the piano, a Michael Phelps in the pool, and has a major meltdown when processing the slightest disappointment.
7. You think ‘crap’ isn’t really a curse word until you ask your daughter what she is doing, and she replies, “I’m just trying to straighten all of this crap up!” Suddenly, your verbage is not so cute.
8. You compare your child to other children daily and in front of them.
9. Cereal has become an acceptable dinner choice several times a week (for your children, you’re given a free pass).
10. You don’t know where your laundry room is.
11. When your child bumps into the furniture, you’re more worried about the condition of the coffee table than the condition of your kid.
12. You have attended more professional sports games this past year than your child’s own sporting events.
13. Bartenders call you by your first name.
14. Your own children call you by your first name.
15. You’re on Facebook posting more selfies you took of yourself on your smartphone than candid pics of your kids at play.
16. You turn down an invite to a fake tea party to go watch TV.
17. You spend more time cross-training than carrying your own toddler around.
18. Your children don’t have a favorite movie they like to watch with you.
19. You spend more time on Pinterest planning little things to put in your kid’s lunchbox than talking with them about how their day was.
20. You accept “because every other kid is doing it too” as a valid excuse from your child.
21. Your child whines more than Caillou.
22. You allow your kid’s momentary wants to supersede the parental obligation of keeping them safe and alive.
23. Your children know the names of all of the Kardashians.
24. You know the names of all of the Kardashians.
25. You fail to have a persuasive argument as to why your 4 year-old can’t wear a tank top outside in the snow or why your 14 year-old can’t wear an ultra-tiny miniskirt outside - snow or blistering heat.
26. Your daughter can only play with ‘girl toys’ and your sons play with just tools, cars, and dinosaurs.
27. You believe a bag of fruit snacks qualifies as one serving of fruit.
28. You don’t know anything about your child’s best friend.
29. You take more naps than your child.
30. Your child gets most of their social cues regarding normality from Yo Gabba Gabba.
31. You have more tantrums than your toddler or teenager.
32. You don’t understand why your 25 year-old should get a job.
33. You think Honey Boo-Boo’s mom ‘has a point’.
34. Your child is over the age of 2 and doesn’t own a toothbrush.
35. You expect your child to comply with rules you yourself don’t respect: yelling, telling the truth, etc.
36. You outsource your child’s spiritual development. You have no input in what they believe.
37. You fail to waste a day or two a year just doing nothing with your children.
38. You fail to be your child’s biggest, loudest, strongest cheerleader.
39. You fail to believe that your children can be anything they want to be.
40. You’re so busy typing great, idealistic parenting articles that you forgot your children should have been eating dinner forty-five minutes ago. Oops.