“People who got married in their 20’s — and are still married,” she asked.

Touché.

But, aren’t your 20’s for you to figure out who you are, and what you want? They were for me. Without a mother and father relationship to act as a visual and emotional guide of sorts, I was on my own as far as figuring out how relationships work, and how one would work for me. Sure, I dreamed about what I thought the ideal relationship was, and that I could emulate it. I believed a majority of it was instinctual and should come naturally, as if everyone is born with the necessary hardware to build a happy relationship — but realistically, figuring it out for real meant trial and error.

I did a great deal of growing up and self-discovery in those 10 years. With that, came the relationships that accompanied that growth.

I dated (some briefly and some not) mama’s boys, bad boys, businessmen, the unemployed, a chronic cheater, a writer, a dirt bike rider, a country club member, one with a child, one who never wants children, and one who failed to tell me he still had a girlfriend in another state. Each relationship seemed to symbolize where I was with my progress, and when I had a setback.

I reached the point where I thought I would never be able to fully understand what I wanted from a relationship, and maybe I should just keep quiet, nod and smile instead of demanding to be blissfully happy.

But, slowly, and somewhat painfully, I began to realize that being alone was better than settling.

I was 28 when I started this blog. And, a part of me was hopeless in the sense that I felt I lacked the knowledge other people have when it came to many things — relationships included. I remember a particular moment one day back then — I sat in front of my computer, with my head tilted back, resting on the soft, cushioned back of my chair as the scent of the lemongrass candle filled the room — and I thought, maybe not having a man in my life always was, and is, the theme. Maybe it’s just how it’s meant to be.

But, that kind of self-pity never gets anyone anywhere. And, after almost two years, I’ve learned more about myself than I did in a whole decade — maybe even ever. It’s weird — like the blog was/is a huge mirror, forcing me to look at myself more closely. I mean, there’s no hiding here…clearly.

I think even while I was barreling through my 20’s, each horrifying, tragic, laughable, eye-rolling relationship taught me something, even if I wasn’t aware of it at the time. Ultimately, I realized that if I had the strength to break my own heart…I could make my own heart, too.

Love this. And it’s so true – I find if I’m honest on a blog, it’s hard not to face the truth when it’s staring back at you from the computer screen.

I was married in my twenties, so I didn’t do all that dating – which means I had a lot to learn when I divorced in my thirties. We all have to learn sometime, if a good relationship is every really going to work.

beautifully written & it so reminded me of sex in the city or is it Sex & the city- whatever it is, I actually happened to catch the scene (have never seen the series)or is it a movie(?) and it was when the groom jilts SJP at the church & they pass in the limo’s, I was bawling!!!! I guess I must catch this movie/series at some point 🙂

Charge into your 30’s Amanda, w/a strong mind- I bet it will be the most rewarding decade of your life, I know mine is 😉

I think (based on the blog entries of yours that I’ve read) that you are a ‘down to earth’ person with a good head on their shoulders. I think your continued authorship here will attract the right mate for you, Amanda. Think of all the men you’re reaching with this.

I think that very few people take the time to listen to their own thoughts or get to know themselves very well. You have, through your writing, done this. It is interesting how writing helps you grow and growth enhances your ability to communicate.

This is something everyone always says mostly because it sounds poetic and cute, But really what does it mean. when you are 40 you will say you learned more in your 30’s, in your 50’s it is the 40’s , etc. etc. We always tend to just credit the recent past and not dig deeper. And remember what you feel now can never be deemed as certain.

dating in my 20s was the same way it is now, so many sluts, so many hookups except in my 20s i did meet a good woman once in a while. Now while i still meet sluts and while I still have regular hookups, there seems not to be a good woman in the place(my mandy excluded!)

Oh this actually brought a tear to my eye! It was so beautifully written with the perfect amount of self-deprication and nostalgia. I loved every word and it solidifies what I already have come to know about you as a writer, you are truly so talented and unique. Keep up the great work, we’ll all keep reading with pleasure. ♥

Good article, Amanda. Some people find it right away in their 20s and it works, for the rest of us it just takes some extra time. Social pressures be damned, it takes as long as it has to. Each failed relationship helps to defog the image we’re trying to see in the mirror. Its hard but we can figure out wants, needs and inner-self. As a 30 year old guy I’ll admit from personal experience, albeit anonymously, your closing line is full of wisdom. Nicely put.

I agree about learning so much at the end of your 20s. I am almost 29, and I have definitely learned more about myself in the last year. I hope that continues from 29 to 30. I wouldn’t mind a nice boy to come around too ;).

Those who are married in their 20s probably aren’t any more sure of themselves than one else.

My 20s weren’t figuring out who I was, it was fine tuning it. Life has always thrown events at me forcing me to either figure out who I was in that moment or fail miserably. My oldest daughter is special needs child, I had her at 22 and spent 3 months wondering if she would live until the next minute, hour, day or longer. My husband and I were married the next year after being together for 3 years. I didn’t know anything more about myself than any other 20 year old. Who I am has just evolved with my husband and children by my side.

The 20’s should be a time to figure out what you’re looking for in a relationship. Maybe the 30’s too. Who’s to say? Hopefully you don’t feel pressured to find the everlasting relationship now that you’re 30. When the right guy comes along you’ll know it no matter how old you are. Strong, independent, intelligent women who can live without needing a guy around every second of every day don’t need to worry about finding the right guy. They’ll find them.

Just a random thought – I wonder if people who got married in their twenties ever look back and wonder “what if?” Maybe they wish for more dating, love or even life experiences before settling down. But I suppose that is human nature about wondering-we all do.

And its never too late to learn and grow when it comes to yourself. No matter what decade of your life you’re living in.

To answer your question … for me, no. I got married at 24 and don’t wonder “what if”. I happened to find “the one” in my early 20’s. I may have forgone some experiences but to me, it was worth it. Some find it sooner, some find it later. I still did the most “growing” of my life in my 20’s. I grew independently of my relationship as well as dependently of it … consecutively, if that makes any sense.

Don’t you just love looking back? I can appreciate every good and bad experience for what it’s worth. But.. you got me thinking, are you finally at a place where you’re happy not only because you’ve grown but because you may NOW be with the right guy 🙂 I didn’t forget about Mr Saratoga

@25 – I was married when I was 21 and that was almost 23 years ago. I have never once wondered “what if” except when wondering “what if I HADN’T met my husband back then.” I have still experienced love and life experiences, just with the same person by my side for the last 23 years. There’s no life experience finer than that. May you all find the person you are looking for, no matter what your age!