Zima is Coming Back, and it's Zomething We Didn't Miss

For anyone who gave in to nostalgia and thought Crystal Pepsi returning to the shelves was a good idea, we’ve got great news for you: Zima is on its way back. That’s right! Miller-Coors, the beer company that barely makes beer, has been diving more into making malt beverages for the amateur alcoholic, announced that Zima — which was originally discontinued in 2008 — will be buddying up (probably briefly) with its lineup of Henry’s Hard Soda.

It’s been almost 10 years, and Zima was never relevant at any point to even make ironic jokes about, so why bother? Was there any kind of market research put into this? Are people really that nostalgic for bland alcoholish drinks? Maybe people are tired of hangovers and miss the sugar headaches they’d get instead. Miller-Coors certainly wasn’t giving any insight to the mind-boggling announcement, saying only “If you’re one of the zillion fans who have missed Zima, the answer should be clear.”

WE GET IT! Zima is clear. That’s super clever. But if you can get together a group of people and find even one that has really missed Zima, I’ll buy you a case myself. And you can’t ask your “cool” aunt who let you have a sip of hers when you were 13. Luckily, though, if any of your friends ARE super jacked to see Zima returning, you’ll know exactly who to axe from the Facebook friends list, so I suppose Miller-Coors is doing us that service.