My Thoughts

I am having a rough day today. Can't focus well. Didn’t study much today.

I can't stick to programming very well. Not sure exactly why. Just recording my thoughts live. I keep getting discouraged. I mean, I am on the course: “Intro to Javascript!” High school sophomore students take this class. I’m 34. I keep going back and forth whether starting to learn programming at age of 34 is worth it or pointless or... what am I doing? Should I just go back and get a job? Like, what am I trying to do or prove or achieve?

This feels familiar. The same reason why I quit learning to code over 10 times in 20 years. The frustrating progress. The inability to sustain the effort. The doubt. The confusion.

One of the reasons I started the blog was to be able to sustain the effort by having an outlet for my frustration while I make progress on this journey. I figured there must be others who share this frustration and may benefit from knowing that there are others out there... and hopefully I may become a statistic that overcomes this doubt and actually makes it through and reaches a level of proficiency in coding. That’s why I also have the blog. To make my life seem more tangible by documenting it... so whenever I say or ask myself: “What am I doing w/ my life? How am I wasting my life?” I can actually go back to my days, hour by hour, and say “Well, you know, I did do SOMETHING.” Also monitoring my life in 3rd person allows me to objectively assess myself and see and figure out ways to improve, in a way I can’t just do by thinking about my day everyday in my head. There’s only so much one can remember and debate with oneself. I figured the blog and me would have a positive feedback loop that forces me to write about my life, and maybe that would motivate me to improve my life, and live a little bit harder, in case there’s that one reader who may find it interesting or inspiring that I’m doing this.

I don’t understand why I can’t see the luck and appreciation in my having the time to pursue and study what I want, when I want, where I want. Weird. But that’s a different topic, for another blog post.

But anyways... back to programming. There’s a scene in the UFC Ultimate Fighter Season 1, where Dana White (the president of UFC) asks the contestants: “Do you want to be a fighter? Do you want to be a fxxking fighter?” I ask myself: “Do you want to be a programmer? Do you want to be a coder?” And I answer: “Yes, I do. I want this.”

Tonight, I built myself a programming prison in a small closet. Just a white table. And a computer. That’s it. It’s about 2.5 feet wide. See picture below. Tunnel vision. Coding is going to be life for 2 months — until February 28. On that day, I will re-assess.

It’s time to pick it up a notch. During the past week, I was just studying programming to see what it’s like. This time, I’m going all in. 100%. Massive effort.