That’s the big takeaway from Sunday night’s live two-hour special, The Bachelor: Sean and Catherine’s Wedding. A picture-in-picture window continually cuts to the “Honeymoon Suite Cam” during the pretaped segments. What’s the big deal you ask? Well, as we are constantly reminded, the couple are holding off on the lovin’ until their wedding night. And cut to the Honeymoon Suite Cam!

While the ceremony at the Four Seasons Resort The Biltmore in Santa Barbara, Calif. is live, all the background material is pretaped (much like how this article is structured!). Sean proposed at the end of filming of the 17th season in November 2012, and the pair rode off into the sunset on the back of an elephant in Chiang Rai, Thailand. Since then, we’ve seen the Texas-based fame whore businessman lumber his way through Dancing with the Stars (with Guiduci cheering/seething on the sidelines, depending on which gossip rag you believe).

Sean and Catherine’s first one-on-one date included some fun in the snow on the Columbia Icefield

And there’s a Canuck connection to all this foofaraw: on their first one-on-one date (only in reality TV land would I have to include that modifier), the pair took a snow bus at Alberta’s Columbia Ice Field and later cuddled in an ice castle outside the Chateau Lake Louise. “I want everything with him,” Catherine said at the time. Sean was just as smitten: “Sometimes it just clicks, and it just clicks with you.” Of course, that didn’t mean he wouldn’t make out with a myriad of other women before he eventually popped the question.

We get a clip package of the pair’s journey on the reality-TV franchise before they head out on a road trip to relocate from Los Angeles to Dallas. I’m sorry, is Sean driving with his knee? Won’t be able to have much of a life together if you keep that up, dude! Once they arrive in Texas, Catherine moves in with Laura, one of Sean’s good friends. He will stay in his bachelor digs until the “I do’s” have been said. And the picture-in-picture cuts to the “Honeymoon Suite Cam.” Heavy-handed much, Bachelor producers?

Next, we get video of the “Lowebirds” letting Sean’s family know that they’ve picked a date. Hold up, the live feed is showing Andy Dick chatting with Sean’s dad at the wedding. What? You know this is LIVE, right? Back in pre-recorded land, we see Sean’s dad, Jay, telling Catherine they like her more than they like Sean. “To be on that launch pad with you guys, that’s something special” Papa Lowe says. He and Catherine tear up, of course.

Sean and Catherine’s first one-on-one date on The Bachelor culminated in some alone time in an ice house at Lake Louise.

(Remember, when Sean first brought her home to meet his family, Jay told Catherine that is she became his daughter-in-law, she would “never have a bigger fan than me, and that’s the truth. I will love you like my daughter.” And as I wrote at the time: remember: Catherine’s father tried to kill himself in front of her and her sisters, and they have a difficult relationship. “I love my dad, but my dad hasn’t been my cheerleader for a long time . . . . It feels like a dream to me,” she said of Jay’s acceptance.)

When Catherine talks about how excited she is for the honeymoon, it’s time to cue the Honeymoon Suite Cam once again. And after the commercial break, host Chris Harrison mentions that one of the things that makes the day more “special” is that Sean and Catherine are saving themselves for the wedding night . . . and cut to the wedding planner. Wha?

Oh, it makes sense now. Catherine’s theme for the wedding is “grown sexy.” She and Sean have been fun and silly together, she says, but the wedding day is the start of the next phase of their relationship. The planner asks flat-out if they are holding off on having sex. When the Honeymoon Suite Cam pops up this time, though, a chambermaid is straightening up the bed. Why? Did someone jump the gun?

Don’t even think of being embarrassed for the couple, though. Catherine has to explain to Sean what “grown sexy” is and comes up with Robin Thicke. Uh, Robin Thicke is an oozing pool of communicable disease, honey. John Legend, Bruno Mars, Justin Timberlake: any one would be a better reference point. No matter though, as Sean is looking forward to getting “freaky on the dance floor.” Catherine, for her part in their no-nookie deal, is looking forward to getting’ “freaky off the dance floor.” Where is the Honeymoon Suite Cam when you need it?

On Saturday, Catherine sent out this photo of her and her soon-to-be-hubby Sean via her Instagram account.

Back at the venue, we get a glimpse of Catherine as she’s being prepped for the ceremony. But wait, we’re only 35 minutes in, so there’s no way the wedding will start yet. First we get footage of Catherine visiting designer Monique Lhuillier at her bridal boutique. The 27-year-old looks ah-mah-zing in everything she tries on, but worries about which gown Sean would like best.

She needn’t fret, though. The next clip is of Sean hitting up the local La Perla, looking for items for his “chesty woman.” He doesn’t want to come across as a “perv,” and decided to go with a “less is more” approach. This leads him to the “naughty section,” from which he selects a few pieces for his bride-to-be. “We need to make this happen,” he says of the garter belt and stocking combo.

This segues into the sex thing again. Chris Harrison says the topic of the couple saving themselves for marriage has all of America talking. Um, no. The fact that Sean springs the lingerie on his wife-to-be on national TV, yes. That will have some tongues wagging. “Baby, that’s so sweet,” Catherine says after she stops giggling. And she shows her goofball side when she describes the lacy concoctions as “icing” for her body. M’kay . . .

To keep the emphasis in right where the producers want it, next up is a segment on Catherine’s boudoir photos. Egads. Will this never end? Catherine says she is doing the photos to remind Sean of her womanly side, something she has been supressing so far. And her man won’t get his paws on the pics until they’ve said their vows. “I want these photos to be super sexy for Sean,” she tells the camera, then tells the camera to get out.

Sean and Catherine have said they are waiting until their wedding night to consumate their union. No pressure . . .

Cut to Chris Harrison, who, for once, is short on a smart comment. “Sean, my friend, have a great night,” he says. WE GET IT: THEY’RE GOING TO HAVE SEX TONIGHT. During a sit-down with the couple, the host asks how they know they are right for each other. Sean, funnily enough, doesn’t recount how he chose Catherine the morning of the proposal. Hmm, wonder why that is? (“Clarity” came to him during the night, leading him to choose Catherine over runner-up Lindsay Yenter.)

Cut to the Honeymoon Suite Cam once again as Harrison brings up the “virgin Bachelor” thing. Sean says it’s only one aspect of his faith, and he finds it odd that people focus on it. Um, like the producers of this show? “I am going to perform masterfully,” Sean laughingly says of the wedding-night pressure.

“For the record, I will leave them alone tonight,” Harrison says as guests take their seats. Phew! I was beginning to think that ABC was financing this whole thing with an after-hours pay-per-view special event, if you know what I mean. An hour and 20 minutes into it, the show finally gets on the road as Sean walks up the aisle with his parents. He’s soon followed by the 12 (!!!) bridesmaids and assorted groomsmen.

Sean’s dad, Jay, looks together, while the groom appears a tad nervous. (And what’s up with the Calvin & Hobbes hair on Sean? It’s sticking straight up!) Never mind, the cutie patootie kids making their way up the aisle make up for the follicle faux pas.

Here comes Catherine! Wait, we cut back to Sean, who is staring intently down the aisle. Catherine takes a deep breath, gives her mom a kiss . . . and we go to commercial! Argh!

We’re back, and Sean is definitely looking a tad teary. Catherine receives one last fluff (not the porn term, the fluffing of her train, pervs) and comes down the aisle (to what sounds like a cello-ized version of Michael Jackson’s Human Nature).

The pair stands in front of Jay, who is positively beaming. (For that, I will forgive him using “journey” in his speech.) He tells Sean how proud of him he is, and how much he and his wife love Catherine, too. “I do,” Sean says in reply to his father questioning him if he is prepared to love and honour his bride. Catherine also says “I do,” to taking Sean as her wedded husband.

“We’re all privileged to watch to watch this marriage tonight, but I believe with that, comes a serious obligation. And that’s to love them and support them and most importantly pray for them as they begin this journey as husband and wife. So my question to all of you is this, will you do this? . . . and if you do, will you please say, ‘I will,’ ” Jay tells the crowd.

What, wait? While I will cop to being overly invested in my reality-TV relationships, I draw the line at this being a two-way street. Amiright, reality-TV devotees? Those in actual attendance, however, don’t share my misgivings, and deliver a hearty “I will.” The silent moment of prayer devolves into a well-orchestrated moment of prayer as the cellists get busy. That, plus Chris Harrison pops up to say that there will be a short commercial break before the couple say their vows.

Catherine is up first. She tells Sean that he is “my dream and my reality, my future and my present, my whole heart and my best friend.” Sean says that “from the moment I met you, I wanted more.” To laughter, he says, “We met in the strangest way you could possibly meet someone,” but what they have is real. He promises to always put her first and to be the best possible father he can be for their children, and that he is going to love her for eternity.

“Those were great,” Jay says, which makes Catherine start, saying she forgot he was there. “With this ring, I pledge my love and loyalty to you for the rest of my life, in the name of the Father, and the Son and the Holy Spirit,” Sean and Catherine say in turn, placing bands on each other’s ring finger.

“Are you ready? This is about to happen,” Jay says, pronouncing them man and wife to great cheers. (And cannons, can’t get married without those cannons blasting flower petals over the celebrations.) The newly minted Mr. and Mrs. Sean Lowe walk back down the aisle to the conveniently camera-covered kiss-and-cry spot where they kiss, cry and glide on the high of being married.

After yet another commercial break, Chris corrals two other couples who met on the franchise and subsequently married: Trista and Ryan, and Ashley and J.P. “It is beautiful to see,” Trista says. And with that, the evening comes to a close. Well, for viewers anyway. After all, the honeymoon suite awaits.

]]>http://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-sean-and-catherine-marry-on-live-bachelor-wedding-special/feed0w-proposalrmylesSean and Catherine's first one-on-one date included some fun in the snow on the Columbia IcefieldSean and Catherine's first one-on-one date on The Bachelor culminated in some alone time in an ice house at Lake Louise.On Saturday, Catherine sent out this photo of her and her soon-to-be-hubby Sean via her Instagram account.Sean and Catherine have said they are waiting until their wedding night to consumate their union. No pressure . . .Ruth Myles: It's a silver medal finish as Des picks Chris on The Bachelorettehttp://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-its-a-silver-medal-finish-on-the-bachelorette
http://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-its-a-silver-medal-finish-on-the-bachelorette#commentsTue, 06 Aug 2013 05:20:04 +0000http://blogs.calgaryherald.com/?p=67025]]>Des takes a page from the Steven Stills playbook to make her final decision on The Bachelorette: “If you can’t be with the one with you love, love the one you’re with.”

So, after Brooks trashed Ms. Hartsock’s heart by leaving the show last week, Des decided that his presence clouded her judgment and she is really in love with Chris Siegfried. He now gets a last name, seeing as he got down on one knee for Des.

So, they are engaged. Yay?

And Juan Pablo is the next Bachelor. YAY! (Or the Spanish equivalent thereof.)

As for Brooks, he was nowhere to be found during the first two hours of The Bachelorette finale. (I know, I know, there is no time in Hell. But we have to account for our evenings somehow, so let’s just all agree that the show ran 120 excruciating minutes, ‘kay?) That stymied many a theory that the lanky beau from Utah would realize the error of his ways and return to beg Des’s forgiveness and her hand in marriage.

Nope. Didn’t happen. Instead, Des goes through with the Rose Ceremony with remaining suitors Drew and Chris. They know something awry, however, when she can’t talk without crying. “You might notice that Brooks isn’t here. He actually chose to go home on his own,” she says. (Is anyone else eyeballing that muumuu she’s wearing for Hagan-Dazs stains?) “It was a surprise. It turned my world upside down.”

She practically begs them not to accept the rose if they have any doubts about being there. And she cries while doing so. How’s that for a “red flag,” Chris Harrison? Sheesh! The guys, of course, are only too happy to accept a tear-stained, mucus-encrusted bloom from Des, seeing as both of them are in love with her.

She, however, is pretty clear that she’s not sweet on Drew, so why did she make him go through that farce? Oh, right, there’s those 120 minutes to fill and all . . . Anyhoo, their date is first, and Des makes short work of it. “To being madly in love and to wanting to be nowhere else than here with you,” Drew says, embodying every Ralph Lauren soft-focus ad ever in his blond tousled perfection.

“I really need to talk to you, especially after that,” Des replies, finishing up her drink. “I would be so lucky to have you in my life, but I don’t know if I see our future together if I can’t be 100 percent for you. I just feel like maybe there’s something missing.”

Drew was shellshocked when Des told him that she wasn’t in love with him on The Bachelorette finale.

(And by something, she means Brooks.) Drew looks stunned, holding a hand to his head and clenching his jaw repeatedly. (Both are done in a very esthetically appealing manner, it should be noted.) We learn who the grownup is when he tells her that she doesn’t have to be sorry that she doesn’t love him like he loves her. “I hope you find your happiness,” he says before walking away, cementing his good guy status for all time. (Also, by pulling off those pink Bermuda shorts. Not every man could make those look so fine.)

Hey, look a rhyme! That must mean it’s time for Chris. And don’t you know it? Here is the poet! He and Des meet on the beach for their date. “Seeing Chris walk up felt different than Drew, and that makes me feel hopeful,” she says. And he chalks up another point in the “keep Chris” column when he tells her that he really wanted to comfort her at the Rose Ceremony, but didn’t out of respect for Ken doll Drew. Going forward, she’ll never have to stand alone again, he tells her, as he will always be the shoulder that she can lean on (or cry on, because, c’mon, we’re talking about Des here).

After spending the day sailing, the pair discusses their relationship. And Des is feeling it. (Or is that the wine?) “I have never felt that anyone has loved me as much as I have loved them,” she cries to the camera. “And I think that’s why it’s so hard to feel so loved. Is that so weird? So it feels good. It’s just hard. I feel guilty, like how could I have not loved him from the beginning?”

She shows her hand to Chris when she toasts him with: “To the greatest man I have ever known, not to mention a loyal friend.”

Classic case of getting wrapped up in the show. He's the only person left on the show…NOT THE WORLD.

Her family echoes her sentiment after meeting Des’s sole remaining suitor. Even brother Nate is on board. “Settle for nobody,” he tells her. Word! Nate, you are the truth teller of The Bachelorette franchise. You pinned Sean as a playboy for playing with your sister’s emotions, and you always put Des first, like a good brother should. Let’s all look past Nate’s hand tattoos and prisoner-y striped shirt and see the love in his heart.

“I could tell you really cared about Brooks, but now that ship has sailed, are you disappointed, hurt?” he asks Des, forcing her to actually examine her emotions, rather than just seeing the televised travesty through for the sake of seeing it through.

“To be honest, I was really hurt,” she says. “I did put a lot into my relationship with Brooks because it took a long time for me to give up on it.” Not to rain on your parade, Des, but it’s been all of what, a week?

Someone did propose to Des on the finale of The Bachelorette. But who? Drew? Brooks? Chris? All three?!?

But enough of that doom and gloom and self-examination! It’s time for Chris to pick out the traditional Neil Lane engagement ring (all rights retained by said jeweler in case of a post-finale breakup). In the limo ride to the final Rose Ceremony, a nervous Chris says, “I will either be very happy for the rest of my life or be massively heartbroken.” Lucky you, you can be both!

See, Des loves you, Chris, really, and will accept your proposal, but you need to know that just last week, Brooks was the man she thought she would be married to. You okay with that? Des makes it all very clear for him, after she stops him when he starts to get down on one knee.

“I was torn apart by Brooks leaving. I loved him,” she tells Chris, crying all the while. “But I feel like I was blindsided by my feelings for Brooks. I couldn’t see the one thing I always needed was right in front of me. You have been by my side from the very beginning. . . . I thank you every day for never giving up and you mean the absolute world to me. I love you.”

Juan Pablo shows his stuff during The Bachelorette. The former pro soccer player from Venezuela is the next Bachelor.

And with that, they kiss, and then Chris gets down on one knee once more. “I want to be your first and I want to be your last. Will you marry me?”

And for those naysayers who said it wouldn’t last after Chris saw how head over heels Des was for Brooks: the couple are moving in together this weekend . . . in Seattle, where Des is moving to be with Chris.

So, that’s another season down, folks. What did you think of the big shocker? Did you know it would be Chris after he pulled that stunt of going down on one knee to tie his shoe mere steps out of the limo on the first episode? Will Chris and Des stay together, or will Brooks’s slightly shaggy ghost haunt their relationship? And most importantly, hands up if you’re applying to be a contestant on The Bachelor so you can see how caliente Juan Pablo is in person? (Married moms are welcome to apply, right?) Share your thoughts below!

]]>http://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-its-a-silver-medal-finish-on-the-bachelorette/feed0w-des red dress cryingrmylesChris Harrison and Desiree Hartsock discuss Brooks's departure from The Bachelorette.Drew was shellshocked when Des told him that she wasn't in love with him on The Bachelorette finale.Someone did propose to Des on the finale of The Bachelorette. But who? Drew? Brooks? Chris? All three?!?Juan Pablo shows his stuff during The Bachelorette. The former pro soccer player from Venezuela is the next Bachelor. Ruth Myles: Chris Harrison says Brooks raised "red flags" before leaving The Bachelorettehttp://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-chris-harrison-says-brooks-raised-red-flags-before-leaving-the-bachelorette
http://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-chris-harrison-says-brooks-raised-red-flags-before-leaving-the-bachelorette#commentsThu, 01 Aug 2013 19:20:12 +0000http://blogs.calgaryherald.com/?p=66776]]>He’s just not that into you.

Bachelorette host Chris Harrison tried to point that out to Desiree Hartsock about Brooks Forester, but to little avail. Instead, the 27-year-old bachelorette was blindsided when Forester left the show because he wasn’t madly in love with her.

“I knew there were red flags, warning signs, that something was amiss,” Harrison says in a conference call promoting Monday’s three-hour finale. And while Hartsock’s other suitors (Chris Siegfried, Drew Kenney and Zak Waddell) professed their love for her, Forester was mute on the subject.

“I just kind of kept bringing that up and she kept reassuring me that he would affirm his feelings in other ways, non-verbally. She felt sure.”

Instead, on this week’s episode, Forester broke up with Hartsock on their date in Antigua. (As much as one can break up with someone who is also dating two other people, as Siegfried and Kenney are still in the running, theoretically.) He was as wishy-washy ending it with Hartsock as he was in trying to explain his decision to Harrison.

“For the life of me, I couldn’t understand what the heck he was trying to say to me,” the host recalls. And if you listen to what Forester told Hartsock on that fateful day on the dock, “honestly, for the first 10 minutes of that talk … Des would have thought he might be about to propose.”

That didn’t happen and instead she was left crying on the end of the dock. About 15 minutes later, the host sat down with Hartsock for a talk in which she said she was pretty much done. And although Harrison considers Hartsock a friend, didn’t some deep dark corner of his heart rejoice at the prospect of some jaw-dropping TV? Yes and no, he says.

“My first thought was as Des’s friend. I thought this is going to suck and this is going to be brutal. At this point, ratings wise and drama wise, usually we’re done. . . This was more of a hindrance, more of a pain for us, as producers … The entire show was dumped upside down in the final two week of shooting.”

On Monday’s finale of The Bachelorette, Chris Harrison and Desiree Hartsock will discuss what she wants to do following Brooks’s departure from the show.

Filming the aftermath of that emotional bombshell demonstrates how the franchise has changed in the course of its 11 years on the air, Harrison points out.

Instead of stopping the action and setting up lighting and cameras to make everything pretty, the crew just filmed what went down “warts and all.”

“That episode last Monday was so different than anything we’ve ever had before … It was so organic and raw and we let you see everything.”

Well, not everything, of course. There’s still the big reveal to come. Will Hartsock walk away from it all or will she give it a go with either Siegfried or Kenney, both of whom are ready to propose? Or perhaps Forester will get some starch in his shorts and return to declare his love.

(Juan Pablo as the next Bachelor is something else a lot of people are hoping for. Harrison says the popular single father from Venezuala is in the running, as is Zak W. As for Brooks’s chance, he says, “We’ll have to wait and see what happens next week. . . . Obviously, he has trouble committing to a relationship, although I think he was sincere on coming on the show.”)

The Bachelorette finale and After the Final Rose airs Monday on OMNI and ABC.

]]>http://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-chris-harrison-says-brooks-raised-red-flags-before-leaving-the-bachelorette/feed0w-brooks againrmylesOn Monday's finale of The Bachelorette, Chris Harrison and Desiree Hartsock will discuss what she wants to do following Brooks's departure from the show.Ruth Myles: It's Des Miserables as Brooks leaves and The Bachelorette breaks downhttp://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-its-des-miserables-as-brooks-leaves-and-the-bachelorette-breaks-down
http://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-its-des-miserables-as-brooks-leaves-and-the-bachelorette-breaks-down#commentsTue, 30 Jul 2013 03:47:50 +0000http://blogs.calgaryherald.com/?p=66524]]>For once, host Chris Harrison wasn’t lying through those pearly whites of his when he teased the “most dramatic finale EVER” on The Bachelorette.

See, Brooks’s inability to communicate has raised red flags among viewers for weeks now. For Des, though, it’s no biggie. “He almost doesn’t have to tell me that he loves me for me to know,” Des earnestly tells the camera during the two-hour spectacle. “It’s unspoken.” Thud. Once again, head meet hard surface.

Brooks, however, knows something’s rotten in this contrived fairy tale and tries to work it out with a heart-to-heart with his mom and sister. “The idea of me proposing to her at the end of this makes me uncomfortable,” Brooks tells them. And while he insists that “I want to be in love” his sister points out that he already knows the answer to his own question. He just doesn’t want to tell Des she’s not the one.

Des greets Brooks on the beach in Antigua. It was the last time she would be smiling on Monday’s episode of The Bachelorette.

That is easier said than done, however. Brooks hightails it to Antigua for his “exotic date” with Des to tell her what’s what. He talks it out with Chris Harrison, who asks him direct questions such as: “Are you not sure or are you telling me ‘I am not in love with this girl?’ ” “Are you 100 percent sure, she is not the girl for you, even with more time.”

At one point, Brooks says “I feel like if I don’t feel it at this point, I’m not going to feel it with more time. I don’t feel like I’ll regret it. . . . I don’t feel like Des is the love of my life and that is what is so difficult.” But at other times, he is wishy-washy and straight answers are nowhere to be found. Then there’s this telling tidbit:” I so badly want to be in love, although I feel like I have given it everything I had and I really do love so many things about Des. I am not in love with her entirely.”

Huh? “Entirely?” What does that mean, exactly? And here comes poor unsuspecting Des, strolling down the beach to meet her man. “I am excited to see Brooks . . . today is just going to be Brooks and me hand in hand, stress-free, no worries.” Oh, sweet, deluded, needy Des. “I am in love with Brooks and I miss him every day when I am not with him and . . . I feel with him it can only get stronger.”

Or, go away entirely. (There’s that pesky word again.) Des welcomes Brooks with open arms, but immediately senses something is not right. “What’s wrong?” she repeatedly asks him as he leads her to a bench on dock. And while she implores him to “talk to me,” he gets out that babbly half-talk where he doesn’t really say anything concrete.

Saying goodbye to Des wasn’t as easy as Brooks thought it was going to be.

He tells her there are all these things he loves about her, but y’know, feelings, more time, better person, y’know. Seriously, there are no complete sentences in there. But then Ms. Des takes her destiny in her own hands and flat out tells him “I don’t know what to say. I love you, I do.”

This, of course, rankles Brooks. “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” Because she was contractually obligated not to, moron. Haven’t you ever seen this show before? Thud! “I told you I was running,” she reminds him, referring to their code for falling in love.

Then after Des tells Brooks that he’s breaking her heart, she breaks ours. “I have never have felt reciprocated” when it comes to love, she says. “That’s what f…ing sucks. . . . for once in my life, I was hopeful. I never felt completely loved.”

Sure, Des is in love with Brooks, but that doesn’t mean she can’t have some fun in the sun with Chris, right? Right?

“I do love you, regardless, I do. I can say it. I don’t care that you just broke my heart. I love you,” she tells, looking him right in the face. He tells her that “I do care for you, I do. Believe that.”

“Doesn’t matter,” she says, and it doesn’t. She is in this for the whole shebang, no “caring” half measures allowed, thanks anyways Brooks. (And good call on the waterproof makeup, Bachelorette makeup team. It’s holding up remarkably well to the unrelenting torrent of tears.)

In the interview room, Brooks is even more wishy washy. “I am surprised at the love that she has for me,” he says. “I didn’t want to leave her. I wasn’t expecting that.” He’s crying, too, and adds that “I really question myself.” That makes me wonder if the door is open for him to come back in next week’s finale.

As Des walks him partway to the waiting limo, Brooks keeps apologizing. She tells him to stop it, but he says it one more time as he hugs her goodbye. “I can’t,” she says, then puts her arms around him too before walking back to the dock by herself. She sits down at the end and folds in on herself, sobbing all the while. Brooks, too, is overcome by emotion. “It’s the worst day of my life. There’s nothing I can say to make it better,” he says as he, too, crouches to the ground and cries. “It was way worse than I thought it was going to be. I feel like I never want to say goodbye.”

But he does, in this season’s most dramatic Limo Ride of Shame EVER. Des, meanwhile, has to talk about it all “It breaks my heart knowing I have two amazing, unreal guys who do want to love me and who do love me but I just can’t love them,” she tearfully tells the camera. “Honestly, for me, it’s over.”

Or, fun in the sun with Drew. Because, y’know, abs! “He looks great. His abs, his eyes, his face, his body, he looks amazing,” Des pointed out for those who have never seen Drew.

Oh yes, funny you should mention those guys, Des. She had dates with Drew and Chris in Antigua and both can be summarized thusly: fun, chemistry, journey, I can see a future with him, abs (that’s Drew, obviously), family approves, fantasy suite.

So, what’s going to happen on the finale next week? From the previews, part of the two-hour episode takes place in Antigua, while Chris Harrison teased that there will be a studio audience involved as well. Gossip mags are reporting that Des is, in fact, engaged. So, will Brooks turn that limo around and come back for his lady love? Or will Des realize that it’s better to love the one you’re with and go with Chris or Des (both of which, it should be pointed out, don’t have an issue expressing their feelings)? Share your thoughts below and I will see you back here next week for the most dramatic finale EVER! (And can I just say I’ve been waiting to use that headline for weeks now. Weeks!)

The Bachelorette airs Mondays on Omni and ABC.

]]>http://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-its-des-miserables-as-brooks-leaves-and-the-bachelorette-breaks-down/feed3brooks once againrmylesDes greets Brooks on the beach in Antigua. It was the last time she would be smiling on Monday's episode of The Bachelorette.Saying goodbye to Des wasn't as easy as Brooks thought it was going to be.Sure, Des is in love with Brooks, but that doesn't mean she can't have some fun in the sun with Chris, right? Right?Or, fun in the sun with Drew. Because, y'know, abs! "He looks great. His abs, his eyes, his face, his body, he looks amazing," Des pointed out for those who have never seen Drew.Ruth Myles: Juan Pablo wins hearts, Ben earns boos on The Bachelorette: The Men Tell Allhttp://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-juan-pablo-wins-hearts-ben-earns-boos-on-the-bachelorette-the-men-tell-all
http://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-juan-pablo-wins-hearts-ben-earns-boos-on-the-bachelorette-the-men-tell-all#commentsTue, 23 Jul 2013 05:13:48 +0000http://blogs.calgaryherald.com/?p=66396]]>For a two-hour “special” (oh yes I did) billed as highlighting the “bad boys” on this season of The Bachelorette, The Men Tell All didn’t deliver the goods.

Bad boys? Please! I dated guys in high school more menacing than these milque toasts. Come to think of it, a kid kicked out of my son’s preschool had more edge than Ben et al. The “villains” are merely mildly annoying and that is just one of the problems plaguing this season of the reality-TV franchise. Other spurned suitors for the hand of one Des Hartsock are sanctimonious, bewildered and apologetic. Host Chris Harrison draws wild applause from the studio audience for merely name dropping the three men still in the running – Chris, Drew and Brooks. And that’s about all for those three, as they will be nowhere to be found for the next 120 minutes. We’re here to wallow in the misery of the rejected, people, so let’s get to it!

But first, we hit the road with Des and host Chris Harrison as they crash various Bachelorette viewing parties. The odd couple creep a house in L.A. where a posse full of women are watching the show. They are welcomed in, much hugging ensues. (Wait, why does Harrison get the remote? And why are there men at this party?)

On to the next fete, where a man opens the door for our rascally party crashers. Well, they do have giant, Cougartown-sized wine glasses, so that explains that. Cut to New York, and former Bachelorette Ashley Hebert and her hubby J.P. Rosenbaum join the festivities. “They’re welcoming us with open arms,” she enthuses. “And open bars,” he adds. (This is why I love J.P., even though I didn’t watch his season. His Tweets alone are swoon worthy. See?)

Then former Bachelor Jason Mesnick, wife Molly Malaney and baby join the party, as does the woman who started it all: Trista Sutter. She really doesn’t bring much, though, other than to say that Des deserves love, just like everyone else. So, she really doesn’t bring much. Of more interest is when Chris Harrison says that the next season of The Bachelor will air in January, which is a much longer break than usual.

Then former Bachelor Jason Mesnick, wife Molly Malaney and baby join the party, as does the woman who started it all: Trista Sutter. She really doesn’t bring much, though, other than to say that Des deserves love, just like everyone else. So, she really doesn’t bring much. Of more interest is when Chris Harrison says that the next season of The Bachelor will air in January, which is a much longer break than usual.

Ben was roundly booed during The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All special.

And speaking of not getting started, former Bachelorettes hang out with Des in a tropical backyard to offer her advice for The Men Tell All. Emily Maynard sums it up for the group (which include Ali Fedotowsky and Hebert again) when she tells Des that part of her “is glad I ripped him a new one.” So, go for the jugular is the consensus.

Now’s the time, seeing as we’re finally in the studio with the gents who didn’t make the cut. Robert, Dan, Nick M., Brad, Jonathan, Bryden, Brandon, Will and Zack K. receive polite applause, while James and Ben draw loud boos. James gets scattered applause, which is totally overshadowed by the roar of approval for Juan Pablo. Kasey (honestly, once again I had to look up his name, as he’s such a non-entity) gets claps, as does Michael G. and a very tan Zak W. gets cheers.

And that go for the jugular reference? Should have saved that for Chris Harrison, as he sprinkles salt in the freshest wound, which belongs to Zak W. “It was so easy to fall in love and let myself go,” Zak says of his time on the show. Don’t worry, Zak. Chris will get back to you later so we can all really see you suffer.

The guys talk a bit about how it was to be in the house, with a highlight reel to remind us all of the misdeeds committed by Jonathan (who tried to talk Des into visiting the fantasy suite the first night and was shown the door), Brian (girlfriend showed up on set and confronted the dirty dog) and James (who had the temerity to discuss what might happen in his life if things didn’t happen with Des).

We see the rise and fall of Ben, the single father who initially charmed Des by introducing her to his charming four-year-old son, but who earned the wrath of the entire house for – say it with me – not being there for the right reasons. Even he admits that he behaved less than gentlemanly during his exit interview in the Limo Ride of Shame. “I think everybody has to realize exactly where I was at that point. I was just dumped by a girl I really like,” he says, adding he felt like he had been “battered for eight hours” by Michael’s unrelenting questioning. “The only thing I regret about the show were the things I said in the limo.”

Who is this guy, anyway? Anyone? Bueller?

There’s some back and forth on what the mother of Ben’s child may or may not have said, but not much is resolved in the end. (Is there shorthand for that? Can we just agree to NMIRITD? Or should I just write never mind?)

Next in the “hot seat” is James, whose sin is to have maybe discussed what he might do if he wasn’t chosen by Des with his bro Mikey. There’s plenty of he said, he said, with Kasey interjecting that he heard that one of them said they could “meet all these tall girls with a lot of money!” What’s that acronym again? Oh right: Never mind.

The next segment is much more enjoyable: a good five minutes with Juan Pablo. “In the history of this show, no guy has made a greater impact with less screen time than our soccer-playing single dad,” Chris Harrison declares. “He’s the fan favourite we barely got to know.”

Well we don’t know too much more about him when his time in the spotlight is over, other than the native of Venezuela seems devoted to his daughter, he doesn’t date a lot because he has his child on the weekends and he can rock the heck out of a Speedo. But we already knew that, right ladies?

The 31-year-old talks about how he just wants to find a step-mother for his daughter and have more kids. When footage of his touching exit interview airs, women (yes, more than one) in the audience tear up (and probably more than one lady at home reached for a hankie). Just think of the crossover potential: Juan Pablo as the first Latino Bachelor. Ole!

Zak W. didn’t see it coming when Des sent him home last week and returned the ring he gave her.

Now it’s back to Zak W. to pick at some of those scabs that have yet to heal. “I spend half my year out on the rig. There’s not a lot of girls out there,” says the Texan. He’s getting older, his friends have settled down and are having kids and he has fallen behind. “You get to a certain age and it becomes a lot more difficult,” he says. And now for more salt in that open wound: Chris Harrison pulls out the journal Zak gave Des. He intended for her to fill it with moments from their time together, but it was not to be.

But there’s more: Zak wrote a poem to Des in the journal in invisible ink. And Chris gets him to read it. One line reads, “Love is our only hope for happiness.” The audience applauds, but Zak doesn’t look too happy. When Chris asks if he’s still in love with Des, he replies, “Yeah, it won’t go away.”

Here comes the woman herself: Des walks in, wearing a gold minidress. Taking a cue from Tierra, she hasn’t lost her sparkle, as the outfit is yet another in the long line of bedazzled duds she’s worn this season. She takes on a lightweight first, referring to Jonathan’s first-night’s antics as “a disgrace to all men.” She accepts his apology, then moves on to Brian, then Ben, whom she dubs “insincere.”

She sets her sights on James, taking him to task for what he allegedly said. “You don’t talk about your second wife while you’re still with your first,” she says, adding “I was being manipulated by you 100 percent.” When she tells him that he shouldn’t have been talking or thinking about life outside the show, as “You were in a relationship,” he’s had it. “But you are in a relationship with 25 guys,” James points out. Which is the more realistic outlook? Again, much is said, nothing is resolved, never mind.

Then it’s time for Zak and Des to work it out, which they don’t really. At one point, she tells him “you were very similar to me, you hide behind your smile.” And then she smiles at him! This show can be totally bat-poop crazy sometimes. But Zak does perform a song he wrote about his experience on the show, and whoa! Someone’s been practicing! Way to go Zak, you even pulled some Juan Pablo-sized tears out of the audience.

And what better to follow honest-to-goodness heartbreak but a blooper reel? The highlight has to be Des and Bryden being strafed by glass votive holders crashing around them as the candles burn the strings that tie them to the tree branches above. (Although Des’ stinkface at having to use a Porta-Potty is pretty amusing, too.)

But wait, after almost two hours of filler and farce, they’re dangling the promise of a “season’s ending is like no other, due to circumstances that none of us could have predicted,” according to Chris . . . And with that, my PVR kicks me off of the early Eastern feed and won’t let me access my recordings. Thanks Shaw! Fortunately, I followed the sage advice of IT departments the world over and unplugged the box, which rebooted itself pronto. Whew! Crisis averted.

And thank God! Because wow does this look like a total train wreck. “It’s unlike anything we’ve ever seen on this show,” Harrison says. A blond lady in the audience serves as our stand-in, rolling her eyes to the high heavens. “I know I’ve said that before, but I really, really mean it this time.”

Now for the preview: we start with the usual of L-bombs of love, love, love; making out, making out, making out; tears, tears, tears. But then it all seemingly goes awry: “I just want to go home, to be honest,” Des seems to tell Chris Harrison in a tropical locale. We see a shell-shocked looking Drew saying, “I don’t get it.” There’s Chris in a suit, so it looks like he makes final two, but then Des tells him “I don’t know if I see our futures together.” Or is that a trick of editing? There is a ring. There is Brooks crying. And there is Des: “Honestly, for me, it’s over.”

So, what do you think? Will there really be a game changer next week, or is it just the classic Bachelor bait and switch? What about The Men Tell All special? Did you manage to watch it all without the aid of a mind-altering substance? (I only got through by taking a mental-health break to watch the trailer for the Veronica Mars movie.) Share your thoughts below and I’ll see you back here next week for (say it with me) the most dramatic Rose Ceremony EVER!

]]>http://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-juan-pablo-wins-hearts-ben-earns-boos-on-the-bachelorette-the-men-tell-all/feed0w-chris harrisonrmylesBen was roundly booed during The Bachelorette: The Men Tell All special.Who is this guy, anyway? Anyone? Bueller? Zak W. didn't see it coming when Des sent him home last week and returned the ring he gave her.Ruth Myles: The Bachelorette is on Cloud 9 with Brooks in Portugalhttp://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-the-bachelorette-is-on-cloud-9-with-brooks-in-portugal
http://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-the-bachelorette-is-on-cloud-9-with-brooks-in-portugal#commentsTue, 09 Jul 2013 04:19:46 +0000http://blogs.calgaryherald.com/?p=65642]]>Love is in the air on this week’s instalment of The Bachelorette saga, but while three of the guys say they are in love with Desiree, only two manage to convey their feelings . . . sort of. And in the sage words of host Chris Harrison, maybe they should just call the whole thing now, since Des says she is in love with one of the guys (okay, maybe two!).

Des and her five remaining suitors are on the Portuguese island of Madeira, off the northwest coast of Africa. There will be three one-on-one dates this week, as well as a two-on-one. The latter, however, no longer means sudden elimination for the gent who doesn’t receive a rose, so we have two hours of making the “journey” to slog through to find out who got the boot. Des is glad with that last bit, so there won’t be “an elephant in the room.” and she’s not talking about her “surprise” visitors.

And up pop three of the women who were on The Bachelor with Des last season: Jackie, Lesley and Catherine (‘cause there’s nothing weird about getting advice on your love life from the women who used to date the same dude you did). The ladies (using the term loosely) chug sip their cocktails while discussing the talent on this season.

After Des chats up the positive aspects of her boy toys, we get down to business: Catherine whips out the binoculars to get a better look at the final five by the pool. “You definitely have some hotties,” Jackie says. The ladies pepper Des with rapid-fire questions: Best kisser? Drew. Best body? Drew. Most sensitive? Michael. Most athletic? Chris. Best eyes? Brooks. Most adventurous? Zak.

Brooks and Des really connected on this week’s episode of The Bachelorette

Who has the bleepity bleep? “I don’t know, probably Chris, if I was daydreaming” Des says, laughingly replying to Catherine’s totally not ready for prime time question. Then, the producers cut in Des’s suddenly optimistic outlook: “I feel so much better. These girls made me so excited about these guys again.” Umm, sure.

That’s a natural segue into the “not a euphemism” section of tonight’s recap. There were just so many of them this week, I had to corral them all in one section. “These dates are big, very big,” “hidden pearl,” “I have something else to share with her,” and “How about you two go at it?” Moving on . . .

Date with Brooks

Brooks folds his lanky frame into a teeny European two-seater and the couple drive to the top of the island. They picnic above and in the clouds, before heading back to town for dinner. The big takeaways from this date are: Des can picture a life with Brooks and says she is falling in love with him. (And that was after seeing him in that hideous purple and olive brown cardigan.) If they are on a journey from like to love – with graduated steps being stepping, skipping, running and finish line – Brooks is jogging, while Des is running. He’s a bit more reserved, but would like her to meet his family. “I could definitely see him as the one,” Des says.

Date with Chris

The mortgage broker from Seattle and Des head out on a yacht to a “deserted” island (it has a path and at least one building I could see, so really?). Chris talks up their chemistry. “It’s hot. There’s passion,” he says, but it’s more than just hot and heavy. Chris is determined to express his love for Ms. Des, but gets a tad tongue tied at dinner later that night.

The poet (and he knows it) has an ode at hand, however, and it finishes with “In every kiss, I truly mean that I love you.” Des gives him some lip lovin’ and is thrilled with his declaration. “For him to be so open and ready for that is huge. It let me know that I am falling for him.” Uh, wha? For his part, Chris is unclear on a basic tenet of The Bachelorette.

“It’s so exciting being in love, knowing exactly what the other person is thinking without them having to say anything,” Chris moons at the camera. Dude, she is contractually obligated NOT to tell you how she is really feeling. Even if she was head over heels, mad like a hatter, in love with you, she couldn’t tell you so until the final Rose Ceremony. Take heart, though, Des does tell the camera “I could picture a life with him and it is so exciting.”

Date with Michael

The federal prosecutor from Florida draws the short straw, date-wise, this week. He and Des wander around a picturesque town, sampling fruit and sipping wine in a park overlooking a waterfall. Snooze. Things speed up a bit when the couple take a wild ride on a loveseat-like street toboggans down winding roads, handily guided by two street gondoliers. At dinner, Michael opens up, sharing that his mom raised him with help from his grandparents. His father was out of the picture, but he’s not bitter about it. Instead, it taught him what kind of father he wants to be. While he shares with viewers that he is falling in love with Des, she never echoes that sentiment.

Date with Drew and Zak

The trio get behind the wheel at a go-kart track, but Drew’s heart is racing for another reason. “Today is the day I tell Des how much I love her,” the earnest blond says. He’ll have to wait, though. Zak wins the one-on-one race against Drew, so he gets facetime with Des first. He shows her some artwork he’s done of their journey to date, but doesn’t show his true hand: he, too, is falling for Ms. Hartsock. However, he feels it would be disrespectful to tell her so right before she spends time with Drew, so Zak is keeping his emotions to himself.

Not a good move when there’s a rose up for grabs, though. She and Drew talk about hometown dates, and how excited Drew’s severely handicapped sister will be to meet The Bachelorette. Then, he does it: “It’s the best feeling in the word: I’ve fallen in love with you. I’ve never had that before, I’ve never had these feelings,” he tells her, before they kiss it out. No surprise: Drew gets the rose.

Before the weekly Rose Ceremony, Harrison earns his host pay by quizzing Des on where she is in the process. Relationships have formed, she tells him. While she didn’t say so on the date (that we saw), Des agrees with Chris that Drew is marriage material. Plus there are a few other factors as well: “Drew is the best looking guy I have ever met, but what’s so great about him is how sincere he is in everything he does,” she says.

Harrison says that he wants to say a name and gauge her reaction. “Brooks.” Des smiles and starts to laugh. “I am 100 percent myself with him,” she says, and he is the same way with her. “It’s a good mix.” He asks about the adjective system the couple cooked up to detail their journey from like to love and Des drops a bomb. “I think I’ve hit the finish line. I think I can confidently say that,” she says, tearing up.

And while Brooks hasn’t told her that he loves her, Desiree is cutting him some slack: “I was in the same position with Sean,” she says, and she knows that Brooks has strong feelings for her. “Is this over?” Harrison says, referring to Des’s journey for love. “I wouldn’t say it’s over. I would say that I am still keeping an open mind and an open heart.” See, there’s this other dude, and Des “can picture a life with Chris. I feel it would be full and lasting. I would say with Chris I am falling in love with him. Oh great.”

Michael couldn’t make his case with Des and was sent home on this week’s episode of The Bachelorette.

“That’s complicated,” Harrison says. “Welcome to The Bachelorette,” Des replies. But hold up a minute: if she is in love with Brooks and on her way with Chris, shouldn’t she do the right thing and cut the other two guys loose? There is precedent: Brad Smith went his own way on The Bachelor Canada, sending extra women home if he didn’t feel a connection with them, production schedule be damned. And next episode is hometown dates, which means Des will be rejecting not only Drew and Zak, but their families.

But that’s just me and my Canadian, don’t eff-up everyone else in your own quest for happiness, socialist outlook on love. At the Rose Ceremony, the first rose goes to Brooks, followed by one for Chris. The final bloom goes to Zak, which means it’s case closed for Michael. “I feel like my heart just exploded in my chest,” Michael moans in the Limo Ride of Shame. (That, Michael, is another show, Under the Dome. And if I wrap this up quick enough, I can still watch this week’s episode.)

So, what did you think of Des and her decision to keep all four guys in the running for her finish line? (Yes, it’s a euphemism.) More importantly, what is her brother doing lurking in the hotel lobby in the promo for next week’s episode? And who knew that Catherine, engaged to “my faith is everything” Sean, was such a sparkplug? Share your thoughts below, and we’ll see you back here next week for hometown dates. If anyone finds a good deal on Kleenex this week, let me know: I think Imma gonna need if for Drew’s hometown date.

]]>http://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-the-bachelorette-is-on-cloud-9-with-brooks-in-portugal/feed0Brooks and DesrmylesBrooks and Des really connected on this week's episode of The BacheloretteMichael couldn't make his case with Des and was sent home on this week's episode of The Bachelorette.Ruth Myles: The Bachelorette gambles on love in Atlantic Cityhttp://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-the-bachelorette-gambles-on-love-in-atlantic-city
http://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-the-bachelorette-gambles-on-love-in-atlantic-city#commentsTue, 18 Jun 2013 03:32:43 +0000http://blogs.calgaryherald.com/?p=64248]]>For a show that’s all about throwing the dice on love, The Bachelorette missed out on some pretty obvious gambling metaphors on this week’s episode, which takes place in Atlantic City. After all, the producers could say that Des is doubling down on love! Um, okay, perhaps that conveys a NSFW connotation. Maybe she’s betting the spread . . . or not. Hole carding? Moving on . . .

Des, as always, says “This week is huge” ‘cause her feelings are growing for the remaining 13 (ahem) men. “Dude, it’s basically like Las Vegas on the ocean!” enthuses High Hair upon the gents’ arrival in AC after flying in from Cali. (What? There are still 13 guys in the running. I can’t be expected to know all their names until Week 6, Week 7 if my fave wine has gone on sale. Later in the episode, I learn Kasey is the surfer boy who delivered this rad description of Atlantic City.)

We get some pimp shots of the guys’ suite, which is pretty sweet, at the Revel before the assembled group finds out that Brad is getting the first one-on-one date of the week. Des and the single dad from Denver get a behind-the-scenes tour of saltwater taffy factory and climb to the top of a light house, neither of which is a euphemism for anything sexual or interesting.

But despite Des finding Brad “gorgeous” and fun to be around, the conversation doesn’t flow, so she declines to give him a rose. “Well, Brad,” she starts as soon as they get to the top of the light house, “I don’t see it being forever.” Soooo no summer lovin’ down in the sand for him. Brad gets the lonely Walk of Shame down all those stairs in the lighthouse to the Big Yellow Taxi Ride of Shame. Double whammy.

On to the group date: it’s Des with Brooks, Bryden, Zak K., Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Zak W., Mikey, Ben, Michael and Chris (which means James gets the second one-on-one). Host Chris Harrison greets the group and introduces everyone to Miss America 2013, Mallory Hagan. And he breaks the news that they’ll be competing in The Bachelorette’s own version of a Mr. American pageant. Michael G. says he often dreamed of becoming Mr. America as a child. Sad thing is, I don’t know if he’s kidding or not.

To help the guys get their pageant on, coach Christopher Dean will help prep them. There’s an array of props for the “talent” portion of the evening, from a guitar to roller skates to a pair of high heels. The guys rifle through them, and start trying them out. It’s a bit of a schmozzle. Or, as Drew likes to call it “a hodgepodge of tomfoolery.”

There’s also going to be a question portion to the contest, so Miss America throws some rapid-fire questions at the boys for practice. While they don’t excel, there are no “create education better” level of responses, so there’s that. Then, the bathing suits are delivered, already pre-selected for each contestant. While Drew sweats getting the dreaded “mankini, a banana hammock,” he is spared that fate. Instead, Juan Pablo, Zak W. and Ben draw the short (short!) sticks. And yes, the indignity is going to go down in front of an audience, in addition to, y’know, the millions of people watching The Bachelorette.

The question portion is a snoozefest, other than we learn that Juan Pablo has a daughter and that gym rat Mikey says that women need to look at men as so much more than meat in the deli shop of life. The talent portion livens things up, with Kasey kicking things off with a lively tap dance number. (And by “lively” I mean sucky.) Then, Mr. I Am More Than a Piece of Meat Mikey comes out and takes his shirt off. Way to back up your stance, bro. Brooks sings a song (and by “sing,” I mean warble) before smashing a ukulele on stage, while Chris swings hula hoops from his arms while wearing heels. Not quite Ginger Rogers, but we’ll give him some credit. Bryden gives everyone an eyeful with his crotch-thrusting and Zak W. does a passable job of strumming a guitar and singing a song he wrote.

Chris brings a smile to Des’s face when he rehearsed his talent act on The Bachelorette.

Now the moment we’ve all been waiting for: the swimsuit competition. Good God, do they cast on abs alone? There are more six packs on display than at the beer store on the Friday before a long weekend. (Also, would it have killed them to spray tan Brooks? The glare of his pale torso is enough to blind viewers.) In the end, Brooks is the second runner-up, Zak W. is first runner-up and Kasey takes the title.

It’s at the après-pageant pool party, though, that the rose gets handed out. All the guys make moves to get alone time with Des, with mixed results. Meanwhile, we get shots of James getting ready back at the penthouse. Egads! Does he have calf implants, ‘cause those things are cut up. He lounges about in the penthouse, eating strawberries and taking a bubble bath before reading his date cared.

Back at the pool party, Zak W. plays the other half of his song for Des. “This is a girl that I am starting to fall in love with,” he tells the camera. Well, she must feel something, too, as Des hands him the rose. Poetry-writing Chris is “a little bummed” that he didn’t get the flower. Perhaps a haiku would make him feel better? Still looking for love/In a cool hot tub with Des/Rose floats by his grasp. Oops! That won’t cheer him up, either.

And the itinerary for the one-on-one date won’t be making anyone smile either: a tour of an area of New Jersey “absolutely pummelled” by Hurricane Sandy. “It was like Hurricane Sandy took New Jersey and just shook it up,” says the guide during the helicopter ride that takes James and Des over the devastated shoreline. Houses are pushed far inland, cars are flipped, a roller-coaster half-submerged in the ocean waves. They land and walk through Seaside Heights, an area that still has sand on the streets and houses in pieces, months after the storm in October 2012.

They meet a couple, Manny and Jan, who share their experience of being caught in their home during the killer storm. “It was out of a nightmare,” Jan says. The couple was evacuated to a Red Cross shelter, where they spent their 38th wedding anniversary. (Contact info for the Red Cross is put on the screen sporadically during this segment.) Des and James give the older couple their night out in Atlantic City and off they go in a stretch limo. “This is my first time in a limousine it’s not something you get every day, y’know!” we hear Manny says as the sleek black car pulls away.

And in a nice touch from The Bachelorette team, we follow Manny and Jan on their dinner/dancing date. Des and James, meanwhile, head to a corner bar that still has a cigarette machine in the corner. They eat at the bar, drinking beer and sharing a conversation and some kisses, too. James feels so strongly for Des, he feels he needs to share the fact that he cheated on his girlfriend of five and a half years in college. Des says that she was cheated on, so she knows the damage it can do. While James says he has grown since then, Des tells the camera that it does bring up trust issues. On the plus side, though, she thinks he has learned from it and had the guts to tell her the truth.

Coach Chris Dean puts the men through their pageant paces on this week’s episode of The Bachelorette.

Afterward, Des and James come see Jan and Manny at The House of Blues. How much do you want to bet there’s a concert coming? First, though the older couple shares their wisdom. “It’s not always smooth. You make the best of it,” Manny advises the possible soulmates. The couple make their way to the music hall where Darius Rucker steps into the spotlight and starts singing. (And Manny shows why Italian is the language of love. “So sexy. So sexy!” Jan whispers when he breaks out the “bella noche.”) After Des gives James the rose, they join Manny and Des on the dance floor. “There’s a lot that we can learn from Manny and Jan’s story. No matter what struggles happens, you can keep the love alive,” Des says.

Damn you Bachelorette! Once again, genuine emotion is tucked away amidst all the fluff. Of course, it’s soon extinguished by Des saying that she “could see a lifetime with him.” That would be James, whom she’s known for less than a month. James, for his part, says, “I can feel my love growing.” (Hopefully, this is not a euphemism although there is some making out during their slow dance.)

Back at the penthouse, Bryden is facing the opposite feeling: he’s not sure he’s in it to win it anymore. If Des gives him a rose, he’s not sure he’ll accept it or not. During the cocktail party, he tells her how he’s feeling, or not feeling, as the case may be. He says he feels like he is “falling behind” where he would like to be with her. “We do have a connection,” she reassures him, and he should take his time with the whole finding love on TV thing. The Rose Ceremony is a tad anticlimactic, as everyone but Zak K. gets to stay. Wait, is the exit interview the first time he’s talked on this episode? ‘Cause that’s usually a good sign that you’re on the way out.

Next week, the journey goes international, as Des and her remaining suitors head to a place with “lots of sausages and beer.” So, they’re heading back to the bachelor’s mansion in California? Nope! It’s Munich, Germany. From the preview, it looks like Ben and James will vie to be the biggest douchebag of the season. So, what did you think of this week’s episode? Was the bathing suit competition all you had hoped it would be? And what did you think of Des’s and James’s visit to the Jersey Shore? Share your thoughts below and we’ll see you back here next week when we can offer up a “Prost!” to Des and the guys.

]]>http://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-the-bachelorette-gambles-on-love-in-atlantic-city/feed0w-zak w.rmylesMiss America 2013 Mallory Hagan offers Ben some tips for answering pageant questions. Chris brings a smile to Des's face when he rehearsed his talent act on The Bachelorette.Coach Chris Dean puts the men through their pageant paces on this week's episode of The Bachelorette.Ruth Myles: The Bachelorette navigates the minefield of love . . . and dodgeballhttp://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-the-bachelorette-navigates-the-minefield-of-love-and-dodgeball
http://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-the-bachelorette-navigates-the-minefield-of-love-and-dodgeball#commentsTue, 11 Jun 2013 05:10:07 +0000http://blogs.calgaryherald.com/?p=63710]]>If love is a battlefield, the carefully constructed artifice of looking for one’s soul mate on television that is The Bachelorette is a minefield. Cross the line from just needy enough to Oh my God this man is looking for his mother and . . . Boom! You’re outta there. (See you Brandon. And didn’t mean to make fun of your moms, for reals.) Play hard to get? See yah, there are 20 other muscle-bound jug heads who spend a third of their salary on deep-V Ts who are happy to take your spot. Hedge your bets by having a girl at home just in case your reasons for macking on Des are deemed not to be the “right” ones? Man, you’re not even going to make it to the Limo Ride of Shame. A premature ejection kablooey to you sir. I said, kablooey!

The latter is the case for Brian, or, as I like to call him, “Who?” In a largely drama-free episode of The Bachelorette (I maintain that Brooks’s finger was injured by someone pulling on it too vigorously, no names, Harrison), Brian’s girl back home provided some much-needed dramatic tension. (And cleavage, too. Did I fail to mention the girl has modelled for Playboy?) The show producers keep hyping the Ben vs. the men divide, but I’m not buying it. The guy doesn’t have the legs to make it to the end (or the personality, for that matter).

First though, we have a group date to muddle through. In order to prove their worthiness for the hand of one Desiree Hartsock, the 10 assembled suitors must compete in a cage-match version of dodgeball. (Seriously, Des talking heads that how the guys compete will show her how they go after what they want.) The guys were split into two teams: Blue (Drew, Ben, Zack K., Brad and Brian) and Red (Mikey, Brooks, Michael, Brandon, Chris, and Chris Michael.)

The lads practice their moves before donning the dodgeball uniform of shame. (Note that Brooks, centre, is still in possession of all his fingers. He will be later, too, but one will be broken.)

And of course, they are paraded in front of an assembled crowd dressed in absolutely ridiculous outfits of colour-coded tanks, with matching shorts and headbands. The knee-high socks are not optional, in case you were wondering. “I love to watch grown men in teeny tiny shorts,” Des trills.

Quick: which quotes are about dodgeball and which are about The Bachelorette franchise? “There were balls flying everywhere. It was intense.” “It was a quick hole.” “Man down.” “Today was supposed to be fun. I didn’t want any of the guys getting hurt.” “They’re going at it, back and forth, back and forth.” Ha! They’re all about the game . . . of dodgeball, but they could so easily fit in that other slot, too.

In the end, the Blue team won, but hey, no hard feelings: Des is taking them all to the after party. Um, except for Brooks, who is in the hospital, having his broken finger “realigned.” Apparently, it takes oxygen to make this work. Back to the good times: Who No. 2 says he has to tell Des something: “I have a three-year-old son,” he tells her. “Do you miss him?” Des asks. OMG, your stock just plummeted, Des. Of course he misses his flesh and blood, and if he doesn’t, he’s sure as heck not going to tell you that he has no feelings for his child on national television. Run, Who No. 2, run! (Seriously, though, producers, you guys are usually so on it with the intrusive name tags on the bottom of the screen. Why no love for . . . Brad? And a big thanks to Google image for that.)

Chris and Des spend some time together on the roof. “I think I might get the rose,” Chris muses. Um, not so fast, Sensitive Man: here comes Brooks, injured finger and all. He whisks her away and in a pause in the conversation, he shrugs, says “Okay, then,” leans in and starts a makeout session. But wha? Chris gets the rose! Don’t count out the quiet mortgage broker from Seattle! The pair head off to “enjoy” a “private” concert from Kate Earl. More kissing ensues (with Chris, not Brooks, just want to be clear on that), which upsets Peeping Brandon, who wants his own sexy time with the Bachelorette. And point to Chris: Des says she “loves” some of his personality traits. Hmmmmm. “This moment is the start of something great,” he voiceovers while the two slow dance.

Oh no he didn’t! Stephanie showed up to tell Des that her boyfriend, Brian, is definitely not on The Bachelorette for the right reasons.

The next day, Des gets a phone call from host Chris Harrison with some “bizarre info:” one of the guys has a girlfriend back home. Busted! And by back home, I mean in the mansion the guys are staying in. First though, Des gives Brian more than enough rope to hang himself. He keeps drawing that noose tighter and tighter, without even knowing it . . . until Des gives Stephanie a “welcome to reality TV” hug in front of him. “Don’t sit here and lie on national television,” she admonishes him, charging that he told her that he needed some space to get himself together. Oh, and she has a son whose life Brian is involved in.

Brian says this is all poppycock, but Chris Harrison wades in to the debate as well, so it’s three against one. “Her and I have had a very rocky, toxic relationship,” Brian says in his defense, and Stephanie has seen other guys. Des points out that if they were seeing other people, he was dating, too, and shouldn’t have applied to be on the show. He is formally given the boot, and the ladies hug it out. Stephanie gets a limo ride, home, but Brian is demoted to the Van Ride of Shame.

This, of course, put a damper on Des’s one-on-one date with Kasey, but the real emotional fallout lands on Brandon. Sweet, sweet, Brandon, whose father left when he was five and he grew up with an addict for a mom. He’s upset that Stephanie’s child will now lose Brian, a situation he recounts happening to him growing up. His mom would bring a new guy home, telling Brandon that this one was different, he would stick around, be a part of his life. Inevitably, though, the beau would leave, breaking young Brandon’s heart in the process. Run, Brandon, run! This is not the place to work out your mommy issues, or your abandonment issues, or your issues on not being good enough.

Kasey and Des share a brief moment on their one-on-one date before the whole endeavour went to heck.

As for the one-on-one, it goes from good (dancing on the side of a building, via tethered ropes) to bad (the winds kick in while they’re trying to talk on a romantically lit rooftop) to ugly (Kasey and Des jump into the pool, only to find that the water is freezing). He gets the rose, though, even though the day has been a bust.

The next group date finds Juan Pablo, James, Dan, Zak W. and Bryden courting Des the ol’ fashioned way: by throwing punches and doing some rootin’ tootin’ gunplay in a cowboy boot camp, as taught by the stunt team from the upcoming The Lone Ranger flick. There’s some ropin’, some quick draw and some playfighting with the seasoned pros. In the end, Des thinks Juan Pablo fills out those cowboy britches the best. (It helped that Dan actually split his pants getting up on that high horse of his.) The newly minted couple gets an early screening of The Lone Ranger. “It’s the best date I’ve had in forever,” Des enthuses. Hmph. Can’t be that good, J.P. is still wearing those britches . . . although they did log in some makeout time.

Des walks into the (pretend) sunset with Juan Pablo, and does an admirable job of keeping her eyes up here.

The five guys and Des spend some time around the campfire, but soon enough, she and Bryden hang out on their own. Des points out (to the camera, of course) that Bryden won’t make the first move, but soon enough they are making out, too. But hold up: now Zak W. has some alone time with Des. There’s no kissing, but there is much laughter at Zak’s fumble at trying to kiss her earlier in the day. Now, it’s James’s turn. He’s having it tough, missing his dad and all. His father is sick, and he usually talks to him every day. He wants to hear from Des that he has a shot with her, so he knows he isn’t wasting his time. She answers by giving him the rose. (And some smooches, too.)

The weekly cocktail party is overthrown in favour of a “chill” pool party, but Ben trashes any idea of a relaxed afternoon by ambushing Des when she arrives at the house. “How about a 15-minute car ride?” he proposes, and off they go in that sweet ride of hers. (Or the network’s. Small quibble.) When they come back to the house, the pair share a big ol’ kiss, which some of the guys see. The pool party gets started, and Des mixes it up with the guys. (Side note: does she have an entire team of stylists following her around? Wet hair to pin-straight hair in the blink of an eye!) Some of the guys who saw Ben and Des kissing bust him lying about it. “I don’t kiss and tell,” Ben says. Dude! Soooo the wrong show to be on if that’s the way you want to live your life.

Brandon spills his guts to Des, saying how much Brian’s double-dealing affected him, bringing up those feelings of abandonment in childhood. “To be honest, I am falling in love with you,” he tells her, then leans in for a kiss. Des laughs through it all. Stock is starting to go into freefall, Desiree. Even if you’re feeling uncomfortable with Brandon’s overabundance of feelings, laughing at him is not appropriate behaviour.

Of course, she does the right thing at the Rose Ceremony and sends him home, along with Dan. Dan thinks she’s been “duped” by Ben, who got the last rose. Brandon tells her that he doesn’t understand, to which she replies that he is a great person, just not the right one for her. He leaves, but Des goes after him. “I wanted it to be now, not later, when it was too far gone,” she tells him. He tells the camera that he is in love with Des, no equivocation. “I can’t even cry,” he says. “Just out of tears.” Awwww, Brandong. We will shed a tear or two for you . . . before we all party down in Atlantic City next week. The guys compete for Mr. America Bachelorette! Woo hoo! On the flip side, more Ben drama.

So, what do you think of this week’s efforts? Did your opinion of Des change? Is Ben the snake everyone is making him out to be, or just a garden variety insect?

]]>http://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-the-bachelorette-navigates-the-minefield-of-love-and-dodgeball/feed0w-benrmylesThe lads practice their moves before donning the dodgeball uniform of shame. (Note that Brooks, centre, is still in possession of all his fingers. He will be later, too, but one will be broken.)Oh no he didn't! Stephanie showed up to tell Des that her boyfriend, Brian, is definitely not on The Bachelorette for the right reasons.Kasey and Des share a brief moment on their one-on-one date before the whole endeavour went to heck.Des walks into the (pretend) sunset with Juan Pablo, and does an admirable job of keeping her eyes up here. Ruth Myles: The Bachelorette sings the same old songhttp://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-the-bachelorette-sings-the-same-old-song
http://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-the-bachelorette-sings-the-same-old-song#commentsTue, 04 Jun 2013 03:38:18 +0000http://blogs.calgaryherald.com/?p=63259]]>It’s the same old song and dance on this week’s episode of The Bachelorette. How so? Well, Des Hartsock and her clutch of eligible men resurrect some of the franchise’s most infamous bachelors . . . in a rap. Yup, it was that bad.

Of course, all the familiar sayings were trotted out ad naseum, as well. “I couldn’t have asked for a better group of guys,” Des gushes at the start of this week’s episode, the second of the season. We get lots of “He’s not here for the right reasons,” later on in the two-hour episode, as well as some passive-aggressive posturing and the always popular “I’m not here to make friends.”

First though, host Chris Harrison stops by as the guys are settling into their new digs. (Speaking of which, is this the same house they use for Bachelor Pad? And, if so, is there enough disinfectant in the continental U.S. to make that place safe for human habitation?) Chris explains that there will be three dates each week: group dates and one-on-one dates. The latter is “a little more complicated.” Let me break it down for you: rose = stay; no rose = go.

The first one-on-one of the season goes to Brooks, and it’s a doozy: they start off by trying on bridal wear at a high-end store in L.A. No pressure, right? At first, I don’t get the buzz about Brooks, who is a part-time model in addition to being a marketing consultant in Salt Lake City. When he models a green tux (with matching ruffled shirt), though, and Des tells him he looks like a leprechaun, he replies, “Could be a lucky charm.” So, points for an easy-going sense of humour. And then dah-umn: out Brooks comes in a traditional tux (with sneakers) and makes it look good.

(And points to the Twitter fan who pointed out that on a previous season of The Bachelorette, Ashley and J.P. played wedding-cake topper dress up as well, and they ended up getting married. Just sayin’.)

The date continues with a cake tasting, then continues on to the Hollywood sign, where they hang out (literally: I hope they were tethered while sitting on that giant “L”) and talk. It all leads up to the big moment: their first kiss. “This could be the first kiss with someone I will spend the rest of my life with,” Brooks says.

There’s more making out on the third part of their date, which takes place in the middle of a closed bridge that’s been done up with chandeliers and a lot of mood lighting. (And is this the same bridge that Jack jumped off in Season 3 of Lost? If so, not the best karma.) Brooks shares that his parents divorced when he was 13 and he didn’t talk to his father for six years after that. He wants to spend the time with his eventual family that his dad didn’t spend with him, he tells Des. Of course, Des gives him the rose.

(And while we might attribute the red eyes Brooks and Des are sporting to the emotional sharing they’ve engaged in, Canada’s Bachelor, Brad Smith, puts it down to something else.)

After being on this show.I can tell you 100 percent.Dez and Brooks were wasted!!I know that look!!!!!! #thebachelorette

On to the group date, this exists in its own circle of Hell, which is reserved for those of us with zero musical talent. Dan, Juan Pablo, Kasey, Zak k., Will, Brian, Drew, James, Mikey, Zak W., Nick, Michael, Brandon and Ben meet up with Des at yet another mansion. Rapper Soulja Boy is on hand to help the whiter than white crew make a rap video for a painful construct of a “song”: All the Right Reasons. Brandon, Michael, Ben and James are selected as featured players, while the rest are relegated to booty-popping backup dancers.

Des and Brandon film their segment of a music video on The Bachelorette.

And each of the four plays a memorable bachelor from seasons past. “I’m you knight in shining armour, here to guard and protect your heart, I’ll never lose your number girl, it’s tattooed on my man part,” croons Brandon, as he channels Kasey Kahl, who got a tattoo to impress Ali Fedotowsky. Of course, he does this while wearing only a T and some skimpy undies. (“No pants guy: I can relate,” talking heads Zak W.) “I cry so much it’ll make you sick. Oh wait, this is called a Mesnick,” Michael raps in a bit that slams Jason Mesnick.

Canada’s Justin Rego took it on the chin with this beat down from James: “I’m homeless, I’m jobless, she’s a means to an end, I wanna get famous, I’m not here to make friends.” And then there’s Ben. The single father is shaping up to be this season’s villain, but right now, he’s just doing his best Wes Hayden impression, complete with cowboy hat: “If you love me the most, some may get queasy, but one thing for sure, love don’t come easy.”

And I can’t move on to the next segment without giving Brandon a shout out for bravery. The poor dude had to run around all day in just a T-shirt and undies so short, they kept having to black box his butt. “I have to jiggle my junk in her vicinity,” he tells the camera about shooting his spot with Des. It doesn’t help that the guy has his own penis peanut gallery, with the other men shouting down at him from a balcony overlooking the room his scene is being shot in.

The guys get to hang out with Des at an after-party, and a few of the men do their most to make a good impression. “I don‘t want you to think of me as the clown. When you see me smile, this is how I experience life,” Zak W. tells Des after giving her an antique journal to fill with words of their time together.

Des and Soulja Boy (centre) lead the guys in performing The Right Reasons for a music video on The Bachelorette.

We get much talk about “I don’t know if he’s here for the right reasons” vis a vis Ben. The much-disliked one, meanwhile, swoops in on Des. He asks her if she would mind if he kisses her, then moves in without waiting for an answer. Des doesn’t seem to mind, though.

Brandon sees this, and is shown sitting pensively by himself. “I never expected the feelings I have right now,” he says. Creepy or romantic? Mikey, meanwhile, takes Ben aside to straighten things out, as he didn’t appreciate Ben horning in on his Des time. Good luck with that one, Mike. Time to put on the big boy pants and drop the “Y,” dontcha think?

The second one-on-one date goes to Bryden, and it’s a road trip sponsored by the California Board of Tourism. Seriously, Des talks about how much she looooves California and how there’s so much to do and see. . . blah, blah, blah. The day-long date ends up in a hot tub in Ojai (don’t they all?), where our Bachelorette takes things into her hands (or mouth, if you pay attention to the close-up). After some awkward chit chat, Des tells the military man, “Just kiss me already!” He does, she does and we have our first hot-tub makeout session of the season. I can promise you, however, it won’t be the last.

And rather than the traditional Bachelorette drinking game (liver transplants don’t come easy, just like love), let’s try a new one this season, shall we? For every trite quote, just add “in bed” to the end. So, when Des says, “The more I learn about Bryden, the more I want to get to know him” . . . in bed! See! So fun!

It’s even better when you use it on the drama that does down at the cocktail party preceding the Rose Ceremony. Ben is called out on his B.S. behaviour by Michael. He whisked Des away from chatting with Michael, who was telling her about the fact that he has Type 1 diabetes.

“You are rubbing the guys in the house the wrong way” in bed! Michael tells Ben, and the other guys seem to agree with the whole “Ben sucks” vibe. We’ll see where this goes next week, which looks to have some major drama, if the promo is to be believed. (And really, when have the producers ever torques the footage to make things look more dramatic?)

As for those right reasons, let’s let J.P. tackle that subject.

I gotta tell ya, I married one of these chicks & I still haven’t a clue as to what the “right reasons” are! #marriage#thebachelorette

Going into the Rose Ceremony, Brooks, Ben and Bryden have roses. “It’s so fun looking at you guys,” Des tells the assembled men. Um, maybe for you, but they are feeling a tad nervous. “I’m so thankful that you guys were able to open up . . . so many of you are husband material,” she says. And with that, cue the dramatic music!

So that means Will (“I put myself too far into the friend zone”), Robert (“It’s a nightmare, absolute nightmare”) and Nick M. (“Heartbreak is like a pit in your stomach. It doesn’t go away”) are tonight’s participants in the Limo Ride of Shame. (Note: it’s too early in the season for an actual Limo Ride of Shame, so instead, it’s the Garden Walk of Shame. Condolences.)

So that’s two more hours of our lives that we’ll never get back. Was it worth it? Are you going to keep up with The Bachelorette this season, or join the other lemmings that are fleeing the show in record numbers? Is Ben really all that bad, or is it just a severe case of cockiness? And how can we sneak into the mansion and hide all of Zak W.’s shirts? Sound off below!

]]>http://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-the-bachelorette-sings-the-same-old-song/feed0w-Des and dad guyrmylesDes and Brandon film their segment of a music video on The Bachelorette.Des and Soulja Boy (centre) lead the guys in performing The Right Reasons for a music video on The Bachelorette.Ruth Myles: The men dress to impress Des on the premiere of The Bachelorettehttp://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-the-men-dress-to-impress-des-on-the-premiere-of-the-bachelorette
http://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-the-men-dress-to-impress-des-on-the-premiere-of-the-bachelorette#commentsTue, 28 May 2013 04:14:00 +0000http://blogs.calgaryherald.com/?p=62869]]>Mr. Dressup would have been proud: the men went all out raiding the Tickle Trunk for the premiere of the latest season of The Bachelorette. There’s a guy in a suit of shining armour, another in a motorcycle helmet with a bandana draped mysteriously across his face. Still another sports a white dentist’s coat while another wears a coat of many colours he designed himself. (I hate to break it to him, but I think he might be colour blind.) And, this being The Bachelorette, there was a dude wearing nothing at all. (Where oh where will Des pin the rose?)

But that’s putting the horse before the bedazzled cart, isn’t it? First, let’s catch up with Desiree Hartsock, our very own Bachelorette. The 27-year-old bridal stylist is shown into the sprawling house in the hills overlooking Malibu that will be her home during her time on the reality TV series. If you didn’t know Des from her time on the last season of The Bachelor (she got the boot from Sean Lowe on the hometown visit episode), chances are you warmed to her tale of growing up poor, but rich in love.

Once a knight is enough, apparently, as Des wasn’t overly impressed with Diogo’s armour.

“My brother’s room was the living room. There was not a lot of money, not a lot of nice things, but every day I felt blessed for what we had. And I think that’s because my parents taught me that love and family are the most important things you can have in life,” Des says.

We get a quick recap of her journey with Sean, and while she was “devastated” to be cut loose, she still believes “love is out there, no matter what.” She’s ready for her own Cinderella story, and she has her own coach for it, too: a robin’s egg blue convertible Bentley. “Ooooawww! Fancy!” Des says, revving the engine. “Love it!”

We get a montage of her hanging out at the beach in short shorts and a blue bikini top, while she talks about what she expects from the experience. “I am ready to put a ring on it,” she laughs, holding up her left hand. She’s ready to meet the 25 bachelors selected for her by the production team, although she can’t quite believe it’s happening to her. “Just pinch me.” Well Des, with 25 dudes in the house and an open bar, I think that can be arranged.

Host Chris Harrison chats with Des for a bit, warning her that she’ll soon be hit by a case of serious nerves. But he also says that he can see her genuine happiness and excitement about the process. “It’s contagious,” he exclaims. (Hey Harrison, this isn’t Bachelor Pad, may it rest in peace. Let’s keep it clean, K? )

Before the limos arrive to discharge their precious cargo, we get to meet some of the bachelors in extended video introductions. There’s:

Bryden, the army man from Missoula, Mont. whose time in Iraq helped him realize what he wants in life

Will, a 28-year-old banker who high fives random people on the street in Chicago when he’s not doing vikram yoga.

Drew, a digital marketing specialist from Arizona who survived a tough childhood (alcoholic father who left the family, including Drew’s mentally handicapped sister). Twitter has already christened him as a needy, Jake Pavelka-light type.

Nick R. a tailor/magician (not a typo) from Chicago. To his credit, he is rather nattily dressed.

Zak W. from Texas. Officially, the drilling fluid engineer (bow chicka wow!) l is “from the middle of nowhere,” which is good, given his penchant to drop trou. Also good: he is in crazy good shape.

Robert, a 30-year-old advertising entrepreneur who lays claim to inventing those spinning signs people shill pizza with on busy street corners. Then we meet his one-eyed dog, a boxer, and forgive him his outrageous claim.

Mike, a dental student in Dallas who is British, but has no accent. “I would be at least 30 percent more

And then there’s Brandon, a California adrenaline junkie. His dad left when he was five, and his mom “was a great mom, when she wasn’t struggling with addiction.” Sob! But it’s all good, he says, as his grandparents showed him what life could be when love was in the mix. “Attitude is everything,” the painting contractor says. “Every little thing I have in my life, I appreciate it.”

And now that we have met some of the men, it’s Des’s turn. She rolls up to the mansion where the men will be living and is greeted by Chris.” I am ready to meet my husband,” she informs the host. Normally, you say these words when you have, y’know, an actual husband to meet. As in, “I have just had my nails done. I am ready to meet my husband and return to my life of daily drudgery.” But y’know, this is TV, so let’s go with the whole Cinderella fantasy thing, shall we?

Des looks stunning in a floor-length silver dress (and that’s not me editorializing: at least four of the guys say “You look stunning.”) as she awaits her suitors. First out of the gate is Drew, and he is just as cute as he was in the video bit. Des agrees, letting out a throaty “Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm,” as he walks into the house. Brooks is next, but Des couldn’t tell you that, as the sales and marketing specialist from Utah forgot to tell her his name. (And dude, you might want to get that schmutz off your face. Stubble needs to be stubbly, not smudgy.)

Zak W. asks Des, “Will you accept these abs?” After much studying of the subject matter, she eventually said, “Yes.”

Brad, Bryden and Michael round out the first limo contingent and it doesn’t look like any of them set off fireworks for Des. Next up is Kasey, an ad exec who peppers his conversation with conversation stoppers such as “hashtag: #perfectbachelorette #marriagematerial. Fail. There’s Will, the high-fiver from Chicago, who is followed by Mikey, a plumbing contractor from Illinois who reassures Des that he know where her brother was coming from when he took on Sean.

She might want to call the hulking Mikey back: the next bachelor up, Jonathan, presents her with a card that asks her to forgo all the men and proceed with him to the Fantasy Suite. “I’m not that kind of girl,” she tells him firmly. “Not the first night. No way.” She gives him the key back and sends him on his way . . . inside the house, which just delays the inevitable.

Thankfully, Zak W. is up next and he seems to have left his shirt back in Texas. Des laughs as he walks across the courtyard to stand across from her. “Will you accept these abs?” he asks her. “You don’t have to do it now, but think about it. You look amazing.” And she feels the same. “You do, too,” she says as Zak walks into the house. “Damn!”

James, an ad exec from Chicago, stresses the importance of loyalty, while Larry the ER doctor ruins his Rico Suave dance move when he tries to dip her, but ends up having her dress catch on her heel instead. Nick, the tailor/magician, makes a white rose appear from thin air and Zack K. is wearing sneakers. Really, that’s the thing that stood out most from his meh appearance.

We finally get our man in shining armour, but the metal suit seems to be the most memorable thing about Diogo, who slowly, slowly makes his way into the mansion. Chris, a mortgage broker from Seattle, stands out, though, when he gets down on one knee in front of Des . . . to tie his shoe. “Nice,” she tells him, laughing at his stunt. Mike, the dental student from Texas, wears his white coat in a bid to impress Des, while Robert (of one-eyed dog fame) gets her attention by taking off his tie. “Are you taking more off?” she asks hopefully. Nope, we’re all shut down on that one Des. Thankfully, Zak W. will log in more than enough shirtless time for everyone.

Juan Pablo, a former pro soccer player from Venezuela gives Des some candy (and an actual chocolate, too) before smoothly making his way into the mansion. Brandon rides into frame on a motorcycle, and Des declares him “cute” as he makes his way inside. Brian is up next and his soft jacket and jeans are a standout for Des.

Also a standout, for an entirely different reason, is Micha, a law student who is wearing a suit he designed himself. It looks like it, too. Nick M. recites a poem that rhymes season/reason, emotion/ocean, you/too. (My notes here read: “Thank God it wasn’t poo.” Can you tell I have two kids?) Dan comes in with lots of hugs and smiles, but no gifts, which is a bummer, seeing as he is a beverage director in Vegas.

But the sneaky TV people save the biggest (and smallest) entrance for last: a little foot extends from the limo and out comes Brody, a little boy who walks over and hands Des a yellow flower. He’s soon followed by his dad, Ben. “This is my everything and I wanted you to know exactly who I am from Day 1,” the entrepreneur from Texas tells Des. Brody is soon back in the limo with grandma, lamenting that he wishes he could go to the party with Dad. (Hold off on with that “Awwww!” though: the promo for the rest of the season paints Daddy Dearest as a villain, so we’ll see how it plays out.)

Ben, a single father, brought his young son along to meet Des on the season premiere of The Bachelorette.

The meet and greet in the mansion follows the expected tropes: the men scramble to get the coveted one-on-one time with Des, start trash talking each other and give gifts to the Bachelorette. (Brandon gives her a sobriety coin that belongs to his mom. He flipped it to determine if he was going to go to an interview for the show or his birthday party. Des can give it back to his mom during the hometown date, he tells her.)

Ben, of course, gets the first rose, with Des saying that “he is husband material.” And just like Sean did last year, she distributes roses throughout the cocktail party. Zak W. sticks with what he knows, drops his pants and cannonballs into the pool. Des, for her part, wanders off, so that went well . . . for the viewers at least. (She puts a bloom in his pants a bit later. Ewww! Not a euphemism, not a euphemism!)

The big drama comes when Jonathan won’t let go of the whole Fantasy Suite shtick. He goes and gets ready in one of the bedrooms. “I am a guy who does bold things,” he says, which seems to include doing one-leg push-ups when he is preparing for sexy time. “I am going to try to kiss Desiree on the mouth,” he promises. He tracks down his lady love and makes more noise about the FS, but she is having none of it. “Unfortunately, I have to take some time to greet the other guys,” she says, making her escape.

“I don’t know. My mom sys I am good looking,” Jonathan tells the camera, adding that his “love tank” has not been depleted for many years. Ummm, Bates Motel is filming over on the A&E lot, Jonnie boy. When he pulls her aside for the third time and tries to march her into the bedroom, Des has had enough. “We are not going anywhere. You are making me feel very uncomfortable,” she tells Jonathan, and then escorts him out of the house.

Chris immediately comes in to start the inaugural Rose Ceremony (day late and a dollar short, Harrison). Des thanks them for coming on the journey with her and reminds them that she is looking for a man who can communicate. While Ben, Zak, Drew, Nick M., Bryden and Michael G. already have blooms, Brandon, Zak K., Will, Brooks, Juan Pablo, Brad, Kasey (hashtag: #whatwereyouthikingDes!), James, Robert, Brian, Dan, Chris (who looked like he was going to break into tears the longer the ceremony went on) and Mikey. That means ER doctor Larry, magician/tailor Nick and knighty knight in shining armour Diogo are all passengers during the limo ride of shame.

In the preview of the rest of the season, we see lots of tears . . . and not all of them are from Des. There’s the standard “You are not here to fall in love with Des!” accusation, and a “He’s a cancer” thrown in for good measure. There’s the standard stuff (making out in a hot tub, making out in the ocean, making out in general) plus some spicy additions (a girl walks in while a man says “That is his girlfriend!”, accusations that one man is there solely to become the next Bachelor).

So, what did you think of Des’s first outing as The Bachelorette? What do you think of the crop of bachelors? Will Zak W. ever put on a shirt? Is Ben the big bad for the season? And what lies in store for Des’s brother, who will surely flip his lid on at least one of these guys? Share your thoughts below!

]]>http://calgaryherald.com/entertainment/ruth-myles-the-men-dress-to-impress-des-on-the-premiere-of-the-bachelorette/feed0w-desrmylesOnce a knight is enough, apparently, as Des wasn't overly impressed with Diogo's armour.Zak W. asks Des, "Will you accept these abs?" After much studying of the subject matter, she eventually said, "Yes."Ben, a single father, brought his young son along to meet Des on the season premiere of The Bachelorette.