I Hate New Jersey

I don’t know why the impulse came over me. I was just having some afternoon coffee, reading a few blogs… thinking about local elections, issues, governors — and for some reason I suddenly hated New Jersey.

This isn’t like me. I’m usually a nice person. Really.

And I’m sure all this snark has nothing to do with living near Portland, Oregon. Which basically means I’m just a hapless flea, with no choice but to hang on to this dog’s tail of a town as it wags the heck out of the rest of the state.

Oregon has a lot in common with New Jersey. We don’t have self-serve gas, we freak if we get a few inches of snow, and we would make the Castro brothers our senators if our tails were given the opportunity.

However, that last item may be in question now, ever since New Jersey put Chris Christie in control of their state.

You know, come to think of it, that might be what’s hacking me off. I mean, look at the candidates in the Oregon gubernatorial election. So-and-so and Chris Dudley.

Sorry. I can’t spell the Democrat’s name, and there’s really no point in looking it up. It probably rhymes with “I want to take your money and run your life.” Our Democrats are basically interchangeable. Drab figures in a long, Soviet-gray procession. Always the same, year in and year out, decade after decade. I’ll just keep it simple and call him Yuri Andropov, how’s that?

And on the Republican side, just to show the world that we Oregonians are really in a rut, we have Chris Dudley, the latest in a long boring line of Oregon RINOs. They’re all the same, too. Year in and year out, decade after decade.

In the meantime, New Jersey elects Governor Awesome, who terminates taxpayer funds for intra-uterine butchery with the flourish of a pen and then shuts up the whiners accusing him of denying women preventative care by saying, “Family planning has nothing to do with mammograms, and don’t put the two of them together.”

As I’ve noted a few days ago, Governor Chris Christie was attacked by two liberal, pro-abortion legislators in Trenton, Sen. Loretta Weinberg (D-Bergen) and Assemblywoman Linda Stender (D-Union) calling on Governor Christie to restore $7.5 million of funding to 58 “family planning centers” Christie made cuts to.

Governor Christie made it clear that the state had to make cuts, including Planned Parenthood. As we all know, Planned Parenthood has shady operations, including abortions among young girls without the consent of the parents.

Governor Christie today vetoed $7.5 million in grants to 58 Planned Parenthood clinics all around New Jersey. Governor Christie is pro-life, but according to the governor, this is a decision based upon the economic circumstances of this state.

Not the old I-personally-don’t-agree-with-poisoning-burning-and-tearing-apart-tiny-humans-but-I-don’t-want-to-impose-my-views-on-others routine. Has anybody even tried that in the past 25 years?

But that’s your garden-variety Oregon Republican candidate. (They usually remain just that, candidates, not that it matters.) Trail-blazing iconoclasts. Original thinkers, every last one of them.

I’ll vote for him because of the alternative. But I will hate it. In my view someone who would consider skull crushing a solution to any social problem is not qualified to make decisions on behalf of others. Except maybe pick out tile for the Governor’s washroom. But that’s it.

So, that’s what I have against you, New Jersey. It boils down to my Chris and your Chris. The Christie and the Dudley.

That’s right, I admit it. Petty jealousy, pure and simple.

I’m stuck with the Dudley, and you expect me to take the high road and smile while I pop Dramamine and cling desperately to smelly old Fido here.

Well, not so fast. It’s irrational, it’s babyish, and it’s unfair, but I’m going to hold this grudge for at least another five minutes.