i think i just have a problem with letting things go. i can never do that. its just really hard. i feel like i have to get my point or my feelings across and i never shut my mouth which gets me into messes.

im just really down about this because i have to do what i did last year to deal with it and i know i might do something or say something (not intentionally) that will just be worse. i find myself doing and falling on the same mistakes and its so frustrating for people who care about me and it's really frustrating for me as well. and so the best situation is just to not talk at all and hope things don't turn that bad. i have to build up trust again. and that takes time.

08:07 ami drank last night and it was enjoyable. feels like i haven't drank anything in like forever.

heinenken costs too much though. i need to buy a mixer and a mix drinks book or something so i can learn how to make all different kind of stuff. i think the only thing i would be wary of is martini's cuz the last time i had those i was sick and in the bathroom all night. ugh martini's.

10:03 amits like last year all over again. exactly what i feared and wondered about seems like it might happen again. alot of my friends told me i would get hurt again. and to be honest, its my fault for bringing back my feelings. i should of just been her friend and nothing more because that's all she wants. thats exactly how i started it when we started talking again too. i should of just took things slowly being a friend and only thought (not ever mentioning or bringing up) about someday in the future, maybe we'll get a second chance. i put my feelings behind me and they eventually came back because i care about her and that's just the way i am. but i have to feel low because of it now.

i feel like i will never get back what i had, friend or something more. she will always look at me different now and will never realize just how bad i would go out of my way to do things for her. i'm worried she might keep her distance from me and never let me in and never let me be a close friend becuase of what happened last night. and that just sucks and im allowed to feel this way. i have feelings too and if she really cares about me like she say's, she'll realize it. all i wanted to do was just be nice and sweet and it wasn't good enough. i never meant to smother you and i wouldn't force you or push you into anything. dont' think im going to do that if we remain friends.

she's a close and personal friend and i don't want to lose that because of my feelings. i got over it before, i obviously can do it again but i don't want to become some random friend to call or hang out with every 3 months. im not asking to call and hang out everyday either. i'd do anything for her yet i feel like im doing something wrong becuase of it. who wouldn't want someone in your life who would honestly do anything for you? all i ask in return now is that our friendship doesn't get jeopordized like last time and to just care about me like a close friend. in your letter, you apologized for everything that happened and blamed yourself. it was both of our faults. that letter meant something to me, it meant alot and even though you wrote it in august, you still gave it to me now so i thought that meant something. regardless of things "changing" you still wrote it. I remember when you were hurt in december, you kept blaming yourself for your past relationships and that hurt me because i know you didn't do anything wrong and didn't deserve it and i hate it when your hurt. But when im hurt, i just feel like its differnet. i tried to be there for you. and i will continue to be there for you. i hope you utilize it. You've said when you thought you were in a "trial" period with me that you didn't want to make any mistakes and fuck up. You said this. Not me. And you said this, not even a month ago. So now, since "things" have changed, do you still mean that? all that meant something to me but now i feel like you might want to push me away again, and i don't want that to happen...

its just not fun when someone you care about calls you childish and boring because they don't talk about feelings. Her opinion of me matters so much but when shit like that happens and i get talked too like that, i get hurt, im only human. thats what happens. You were hurt in december and i was there for you. i would never say or do anything intentionally to hurt your feelings. i was always there for you when you said you'll always be alone and every boy is the same to you. well that is how im feeling now becuase every girl i care about and like never winds up feeling the same. its the story of my life.

i don't want what happened last year to happen again, so im dropping this. im not going to talk about it in my journal again but this is the only way i can express myself and sometimes the only way to get through to someone when there mad or upset with me.

im going to put behind all my feelings for you. im sacrificing a part of who i am for our friendship. all i wanted was for you to be happy regardless of how im feeling and i hope you are and i hope you can at least see me for the close friend that i can be. but that's in your hands, not mine.

06:33 pmyeah im alive.and alot has happened in the past two months.really good.and some not so good.

right now i feel like i don't have it in me to write it down. maybe next time.

i really want a girlfriend. someone to truely care about me.i really feel like im back at that point where im ready for a relatinoship. but i just don't want anyone. i want someone specfic and im going to try to let things happen and take things slow but im worried about getting hurt. but after all it was my fault to begin with and its hard for me to not blame myself all the time.

and i really feel like i could give someone my all. after everything ive been through with girls, don't i deserve it? ive been hurt too many times and i fucked up the best thing that could of happened to me last year.

For once, why can't i catch a break?

I'm trying my hardest to be different, to have changed, to not mess anything up. But will it be good enough? Will i get a second chance? i feel so strongly that i do deserve it and i won't let anyone down again. I don't care what anybody else thinks, this is what i want.