Half-baked pie deal says a mouthful

I thought some of asking the cashier on the way out about the free-pie deal, but I knew I’d just be starting something I couldn’t finish.

Sometimes I think breakfast would be the best meal of the day if it didn’t come while we’re still too sleepy to enjoy it.

When we eat it at home, we each get our own. We don’t even talk, just eat in the den and read the morning paper, swapping sections as we finish them. Mine consists of orange juice, cereal with banana slices, a cup of coffee and a ginger snap. That’s it. My wife’s is even more spare — an eight-ounce bottle of Ensure nutrition shake. Period.

Well, it does include two dozen vitamins and minerals, according to the label. Once in a while, we break the spell by having breakfast out, usually after a visit to the doctor or his blood lab. On these occasions, we’re lively and alert, especially if the news there has been reasonably good, which I’m happy to say it usually is.

OK, but the subject today is not breakfast, or even doctors. It’s the strange things people say to each other. Especially in everyday communication.

As we were seated, I noticed a large cardboard sign at the end of our table promoting a special restaurant promotion. “Buy three whole pies,” it read, “and get the 4th one for free.” I spend a lot of my time while dining out critiquing menus and other printed material, a constant irritation to my wife. “What do they mean, THE 4th one?” I asked her. If I’m going to buy three pies, that’s all there are, isn’t it? If I ran this place, I’d say ‘Buy three pies and get A 4th one for free.’ Actually, I’d probably say, ‘get a 4th one for nothing,’ because you don’t need the word ‘for’ in there. You’d get it free. Not FOR free.”

“Oh, oh,” she groaned, “I can see you’re having one of your days. I sense a column coming on.” I assured her I was only trying to be grammatical.

Just then the waitress came by to take our order. “I’m Joannie,” she said brightly. “Is there something I could bring you?” I stifled an urge to reply that, yes, there were all kinds of things she COULD bring us, possibly even a deck of cards so we could get in a quick game of Crazy Eights. But we ordered. I, coffee, OJ and two scrambled eggs with hash browns, and she an omelet with bacon and mushrooms. See, we really go to town when we go out, and besides they don’t carry Ensure.

When we were nearly through eating, Joannie returned. “Is there anything else I could bring you?” she wanted to know. My wife shot me one of those looks that means, “Just play it straight, wiseguy. We don’t need any more classes in word usage from the retired editor.” I told her no, we were ready for the check. Before she brought it, I glanced at the sign on the table again. At the bottom, it showed photos of four different kinds of pie, and the headline read, “Pick Out Your Free Pie.” “Notice that?” I told my wife. “If I actually ordered three of them, and they gave me the fourth one free, what difference would it make which pie it was? I’d be getting all four anyway. But for the purpose of this conversation, I think I’d pick the pumpkin as my freebie.”

“You’re impossible,” she said.

She’s probably right. I thought some of asking the cashier on the way out about the free-pie deal, but I knew I’d just be starting something I couldn’t finish.