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Donald Trump in Church Roles

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I recently opined on Twitter that Donald Trump would be the greatest youth pastor ever, except for maybe Eric from Boy Meets World. The concept of Trump serving as a youth pastor spurred some good Twitter feedback, so I decided to go down the list and see how The Donald would do in the various roles of the American Church:

Front Door Greeter

“Eh, okay. Why not. You can come in.”

“You’re wearing that? I mean…okay. I guess we’re under grace.”

“Can I see some ID?”

Usher

“Okay, no. I thought my rules were clear. No coffee in the sanctuary, all right? Go sit your ass down in the lobby, finish your beverage, and then you can enter my sanctuary. Let me tell you something: this is not a Starbucks. This is the Holy of Holies and you’re bringing a friggin’ CRAPPUCINO in, sloshing your pungent backwash into the pews? No. No. You disgust me.”

Youth Pastor

“We’re going big this year, boys and girls. We’re going to show those losers at First Baptist how Trump’s Teens do a fellowship! You know why–I’ll tell you why–because every other church has “lock-ins,” and–frankly–lock-ins don’t do it for me. Never have. We’re going to have a lock-out, because we will literally be forced to lock the doors to keep all those wannabe Christian teens out. It will be the most luxurious, most incredible gala for God that you have ever seen, and TobyMac will be there, and there will be an open energy drink bar, and we’re going to kick Satan in the balls because that’s how Trump’s Teens roll!”

Music Minister

[interrupts rehearsal]

“Okay hold it. What was that? Was that a drum fill? That was a drum FAIL, and you, frankly, are disappointing me very much right now. I could have the drummer from MercyMe here in three hours to take your place. I really could. Now let’s take it from the top, and I want YOU to show me how serious you are about praise.”

[interrupts rehearsal again]

“What are we doing here? That’s not a rhetorical question. What are we doing here, mmkay?”

[silence]

“Everyone on this stage thinks that they’re Chris Tomlin…which, to me, is ridiculous. Let me tell you something: I know Chris Tomlin. Tommy’s been on my jet. Tommy has a key to my villa. Tommy is a dear, dear friend of mine, and–frankly–none of you people are Tommy.”

Pastor

“For God so loved the world…and listen, that was yuuge. Just yuuge.”

[puts on hat that says MAKE THIS CHURCH GREAT AGAIN, keeps preaching]

“…and you know who Satan is? A loser. Always has been, okay?”

[clicks power point remote]

[new slide: MISS CHRISTIANITY PAGEANT]

“And you know…I was talking to my dear friends John Piper and Russell Moore, who–by the way–are both beautiful, beautiful men, and they’re telling me ‘Donnie, you’re crazy, this pageant is a bad idea,’ but you know what? We’re going to make modesty sexy again. We’re going to find the most attractive, most lovely Christian ladies and it will be classy, and it will be fun, and there will be a swimsuit competition, and we will make Satan so jealous he’ll crap brimstone for a week, and it will be YUUGE.”