EPIC FAIL: Super Committee Inflicts Economic Waterboarding

Remember that Super Committee that was going to save the greatest country in the world from another epic economic collapse while demonstrating true bipartisan camaraderie and teaching us all the meaning of fiscal responsibility? You know, the one that, if it failed to cut the deficit by $1.2tn, the metaphorical gun-to-our-heads would go off and a “trigger” of cuts would be fired at us, the biggest of which would affect our defense department.

Well, guess what? The League of Extraordinary Congressman isn’t so extraordinary after all – unless of course you’re referring to their super powers of impunity. As it turns out they can’t even protect America from the “friendly fire” of the economic cuts that they themselves set up as a motivational prompt.

The Super Committee is predicted to declare failure in just a few hours meaning guns will be a-blazing as triggers will be triggering all across the America’s economic board.

Unfortunately, the threat of friendly fire has panicked the natives on Wall Street. The Dow and other markets have taken a heavy hit in an epic trading shoot out. The Dow was seen stumbling backwards, arms flailing wilding as it grabbed its chest, threw its head back and hit the floor. Bystanders ran to its side only to find a small trickle of blood escaping its mouth.

Oh, dear god! What to do?! What to do?!

Oh, I know, I know! Quick! Focus on something else! I mean, heck, the stock markets are goners anyway.

Let’s focus on the one thing that we had total control over since the beginning. Let’s get rid of the automatic weapons! Then there will be no chance of any motivational triggers purposely going off. Instead we’ll just kill the economy with threats of violence!

And that’s exactly what Congress seems to thinking as well. According to Alan Fram of the Associated Press:

[T]he same legislators who concocted that budgetary booby trap just four months ago could end up spending the 2012 election year and beyond battling over defusing it. …

With nearly $500 billion in defense spending and an equal amount of domestic dollars at stake, plenty of lawmakers are ready to try blocking all or parts of those automatic cuts, if only to win favor from backers of programs whose funds are on the chopping block.

And thank god for that! Because, you know, the only thing that matters is this fight over the deficit. The markets may be dying but they can handle the torment. It’s just economic waterboarding, not torture.