Day 8: Headbang

VLOG #8

LYRICS:

Sometimes you’ll see me ‘round talking about the things that I don’t even seeBut I need to believe in them because if I don’t I’m an average prickEvery time the sun is up I kinda start to feel like the pressure’s on and I need some time aloneI’d rather pretend like it needs me for energy

So I grab my headForce myself to just get out of bed and re-envision all my stupid shitPretend it’s better ‘cause it’s artisticI guess I’ve seen some shit for a white kid who is just perfectI guess it’s time to plead head illness as if I’m even really worth that trick

Banging your head against the wallYou know you’re all okayYou know you’re all okayThink about it for a min, you’re better than thisYou know you’re all okayYou may be sick but you’re okay

When you’re mental royalty you’re really not inclined to see the things that are real, the things insignificantThey have their worth but you doubt it all the timeThere are days I long to live in a house that I never did and yet all the while the comfort is hard to leaveI claim to need sleep but I like it for the dreams

Original Demo:

Journal Entry #8: You may be sick, but you're okay

This song is a little hard for me to talk about...

I'm not sure what to say. When I was 16, growing up was such a weird time. I was overwhelmed with jealousy, misogyny, and insecurity. Things I definitely couldn't see at the time.

A lot of that would turn into fits of rage. I remember one night in particular where I threw my chair across the room.

Eventually this led to more self-inflicted fits of rage that I don't think I can really get into.

I started to examine this in a very meta way. The pain wasn't something that felt good to me. It wasn't a physiological addiction or compulsion. It was more like, I wanted attention. I wanted to be victimized. I wanted to superimpose a 'burden' on myself. That people wouldn't be able to understand without checking in on me.

This seemed so crazy to me. It felt like I was almost trying to appropriate the suffering of others. I felt like I wasn't -really- doing this for any clinically backed reason.

...but...

Isn't a willingness to hurt yourself reason enough to be considered sick?

I didn't know. I wrestled with this. I didn't know how much of this even mattered. I felt like during all of this, I had a narrative in the back of my head that was always saying "You're just doing this arbitrarily. You're totally fine." THAT felt like I was being disingenuous, and again, perhaps even faking a struggle that someone else might be legitimately having.

Nonetheless...my rumination of this whole thing became this song. The chorus is an oxymoron: "You may be sick, but you're okay." I learned that somehow, this can be true. And it's arguably more dangerous.

If you need any help with self harm, in whatever bizarre and confusing headspace in can stem from, please do not blame yourself or overanalyze, like I did. There are examinable reasons for feeling compelled to harm yourself and someone is very happy to help you.