How do I handle not getting invited to my Nephews wedding?

by Mindy
(Vancouver, BC Canada)

My nephew is getting married, I live in the same city as him and have what I thought was a close relationship with him. He doesn't have a relationship with any of his other aunts/uncles because they all live thousands of miles away and he has had no contact with them or barely ever knew them. But I have been like a second mother to him since he lives in the same city as me and his parents also live in a different city.

I was devastated and broken hearted when he told me got engaged 3 months ago and I am just finding out now. It hurt a lot, I thought I would be one of the first people to know. The he told me that they've set a wedding date and they're not inviting any aunts or uncles. I had o hold back tears when he said it. I understand him not inviting aunts and uncles who he barely even knows and they wouldn't come anyway because they live so far away, etc. But I thought he viewed his relationship with me differently....I know I certainly had a much greater love and closeness to him than anyone else in our family. I have been labelled for yrs as M2 (meaning mom number 2) to him.

He said they want to keep the wedding small. I get that. And I want to be happy for him and I want him to do what is in his own best interest, but I can't get rid of this hurt and pain I feel inside. What hurts the most I think is realizing that he doesn't have the same feelings toward me as I've had toward him...he sees me as just another aunt, I thought we had a much closer relationship. And I feel like now I was wrong about our relationship all along. I don't have kids of my own, and I always treated him like a son. My Will was setup for him to inherit my entire estate because he meant that much to me.

I'm so hurt and devastated and have so much pain inside. I want to cut him out of my Will now, not as an act of revenge but so I can accept that the relationship is not what I thought it was because it was one sided and he didn't feel the same closeness to me that I felt to him. Amv I wrong in taking this approach? I don't want to be a miserable person, but I also don't want to be leaving my estate to someone who did not value their relationship with me.

Because he was in the same city as me and his parents were

never around, I was the one who took care of him when he was sick, I spent a lot of money on him, I went to his rescue whenever he had problems or needed someone, I helped support him through university (his parents only agreed to pay for his tuition and books so I helped out with his living expenses), etc.

Am I wrong in feeling the way I do? Am I taking the wrong approach. Should I just find a way to put the hurt aside and accept that it's his decision and say nothing to him about my hurt. Or should I accept that he doesn't feel the same closeness to me as I felt for him and make other plans for my estate and just not force my way into his life anymore?

Since this happened I have assessed the relationship and realized that he never contacts me or come to see me or call or texts or anything....if I didn't get in touch with him on a regular basis I'd never hear from him. I knew this all along but I thought it was because he's always busy with his friends and stuff. So I always stayed in touch with him and took him out for very expensive dinners all the time and gave him money, etc. NOw I'm starting to realize that maybe the reason he never contacted me was because he just didn't want to and only agreed to see me when I was offering to take him out for an expensive meal or showing up to give him money.

I don't know how to handle this. I don't want a confrontation. I just want to know how to handle this hurt and pain and how to deal with things going forward. Should I just distance myself from him and stop taking him out and stop giving him money and let him be the one to come to me if he wants a relationship with me, or should I continue these things to keep a place in his life?

I feel used and hurt and taken advantage of and tossed aside like garbage by someone I held so dear to my hear.

Please tell me if I'm over reacting. Please tell me if I should cut him out of my Will. Please tell me if I should distance myself from the relationship and set him free from me. Maybe he sees me as a pain in the ass and would be happy to be done with me. I don't want him to feel like he's forced to have me in his life...if he doesn't want me there I'd prefer to move on and set him free from the obligation.

Mindy

Comments for How do I handle not getting invited to my Nephews wedding?

​Since this is a family member with whom you feel close ties, please discuss this with him so it doesn't become a wedge in your relationship. Please do not assume you know the answer until you speak with him. You will be glad you had the conversation.

Good luck,
Ms. Practical Etiquette​

Rating

Give it Some Timeby: Anonymous

You are understandably distraught but I do think you are over-reacting to a degree. I don't know how old you are or how old your nephew is but I DO know that people change with time. If you're elderly and death is imminent, then, OK change your will. Otherwise, take some time to sort out your feelings and, perhaps, try to have a conversation with your nephew. This may be more a situation of his immaturity or, possibly, that of a possessive fiancé. However, if you continue to have such obvious anguish over the situation, you might want to seek some professional advice to help you sort things out. Best wishes and I hope things turn out well for you and your nephew.

Rating

seriouslyby: Anonymous

I and all my friends have the same issues (not the wedding part) I have never received a present or card from my newphew, who is also my godchild; I never hear from him unless he needs something, my brother and his mother are divorced and now his mother and her husband are divorced and he spends all the time when he is back in the state with his step father and family. I recently had a high grade tumor (big operation) and he was in town 3 weeks later; I thought I wld be the first one he wld see, but he didn't even call. All my friends feel the same, not like when we grew up and the did things for our aunts and uncles; I have no children and my parents are departed and he is my brother's only child. He is now having a destination wedding with 4 people from our family and everyone else hers. My brother was told rehersal dinner $7000 and where it wld be; Of course he was not mentioned on the wedding invitation, nor was my nephew's last name. Ghost wedding; Anyway, nothing from them about how to get from the airport, did I get a room, etc. I'm over it. They are all about themselves now and that's how it goes. I am proud of him as he finished lengthy college, which is what we used as an excuse that we did not see him.