Monday, January 23, 2006

Looking at their performances from the last year or so, I woke up this morning and thought what would these Pakistani players be like if they were rockstars,

Inzamam-ul-Haq:Unarguably, Inzi would make the cut as an opera singer. He would make his debut performance at Lords to an arena full of stuffy English old farts that have given up their bowling careers (the fearsome Shaun Udal comes to mind). Inzirotti will blow the crowd away with his already legendary anthem “Bismillah Inshallah all thanks goes to the boyzzzz”.

Mohammad Yousuf:Can there be any doubt that MoYo would be a gospel singer? Here would be his story in his own words, “Well own day I was playing spanking cover drives off the bowling of Ashley Giles while singing the praises of our lord Jesus Christ when I heard one of my mullah teammates back in the dressing room singing some Sufi techno. I ran into the pavilion to see that it was Mushy who was not only singing but also doing a convulsion like dance as if he was possessed by a powerful being. I said to myself, ‘Jesus Christ aint got nothing on Sufi techno’, and I was sold on it. Now I sing Sufi gospels”.

Mohammad Sami:After Sami’s conversion to a slut over the past year or so where he happily abides by the wishes of every batsman, especially the wishes of Indian hunks like Sehwag, it is fitting that Sami would be a Britney Spears. Singing classics like “Hit me baby one more time” and “I’m a slave for you”, we would find Sami and his beautiful streaked locks in the tabloids creating a stir over his alleged affairs with Indian hunks who like to spank him silly.

Shahid Afridi:Afridi’s disregard for the conventional converts him into an 80’s hard rock rebel. With his silky ankle length locks we would find Afridi wearing snake-skin tight leather pants and a dirty banyan, that will expose a tattoo that reads “Kumble is my hoe”. We will find Afridi bellowing some macho tunes like “Welcome to the Jungle”. At the end of every concert, Afridi will not only toss his broken guitar into the crowd but will also toss his band members into the chaotic melee and will himself have to be escorted (forced) off the stage by security after doing one too many pelvic thrusts in the direction of Kumble.

Shoaib Akhtar:Pretty boy Shoaib will no doubt be a sex symbol and a boy band member. Gently lip syncing bubble gum pop beats like ‘Quit playing games with my heart” in his Irish-Australian-American-Paki accent, we will find Shoaiby constantly being thronged by teenage girls like Ganguly. Always controversial, Shoaiby will sell his soul to consumerism and will have a tattoo of “fair and lovely” plastered on his forehead. His pursuit of the fast life (media attention, teenage girls and drugs) will wear him out and he will move into the movie business where he will play the lead role partnering Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic.