"We've thought about this for a long time," said Adobe spokesperson Hans Serif. "We've been watching the growth of the MMO industry and the wild success of subscription-based franchises, so we figured 'why not us?' "

The hugely popular design program, considered the industry standard in numerous fields, will be available for $49.99/month on a one year commitment, or $74.99/month with no commitment, a rate that Serif assured us was "a fucking steal."

"You're getting the finest graphic design program out there, which if you've used previous versions, you might recognize as the exact same program you've used for years. But now you have to pay for it, every month forever, and in our opinion that always makes things more valuable."

Serif added that Adobe had lined up a talented suite of house media staff who would be contributing cutting-edge graphics and sounds to the program's "robust" features.

"The launch window and icons are going to be amazing, we're talking HD shit, yo!" said Serif, rubbing his hands together with glee. "And the error ding, we've totally re-recorded and resampled it in a huge sound studio. It's still going to signify utter program failure and immense user frustration, but now it's going to sound way sweet, man."

"Also we got Chris Metzen to voice the New User tutorial, which is totally banging."

In addition to the monthly subscription fees, Serif told press that Adobe would also be launching a real-money auction house with Photoshop Online's release, where users will be able to browse, sort and purchase rare brushes and legendary fonts.

A trial version of Photoshop Online will still be available for download from Adobe.com, but will come a new range of limitations - one 37 pixel brush, two fonts (Comic Sans and Papyrus), a twenty-minute duration limit, and access to only three colors: black, lime green and mauve.

At this morning's press conference, Adobe CEO Hue Jackman said that the company had "rested back on its brilliantly-painted laurels for far too long."

"People think we're just a design company, and you know what? We are. But that doesn't mean we're not connected. I paid close attention to the huge publicity Electronic Arts received with SimCity, and thought 'Holy crap, why isn't that us? Hans, why isn't that us?' And then they won the Worst Company in America! And I said, 'Dammit Hans, that could have been us! WE should be winning that award, not some two-bit sports game schmucks. What the hell am I paying you for, anyway?"

"Better get ready, EA, Blizzard and NCSoft! Oh and whoever does Rift. Wait, is Rift even still around? Whatever. Anyway, Adobe's in the game now, and we're going to take over like an accidental click of the fill tool on a blank document. And there ain't no history button on this A-Train! Ctrl-Z? MORE LIKE CTRL-ME!"

"YEAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" he screamed, before dropping the mic and walking offstage.

Beta testing for Photoshop Online is scheduled to begin July 1, 2013.

This entry was posted on Monday, May 6, 2013
at 1:45 PM and is filed under gnews,silly. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response.