Friday, December 23, 2011

Greta Ghoul's Dark Christmas Tree

Greta Ghoul, your mistress of evil, with steps to making your own dark Christmas tree.

First, find yourself a tree that was infused with the blood of druids. Do not make the mistake of asking the guy in the small mobile home -- with the lights strung out on poles -- which of his inventory is infused with druid blood. He will call the police, or possibly that meddler Cool McCool.

If you can't find a tree infused with the blood of druids (and believe me, it's not as easy as it sounds,) then you can substitute any old tree covered with corn syrup and red food coloring.

Next you need the eye of a cursed demon bat-snake, who goes by the name By-Tor. OK, yes, I know. Look, it's hard enough getting through this so yes, yes I know. Neil Peart stole that from me. He can put those sticks and his gong where the sun don't shine!

Again, if you need to substitute, you can always get one of those bubble gum eyes out of a vending machine. The forces of evil are pretty lax in the exact ingredients department.

Next, hang up some nice lights and garland. Even the dark ones love pretty flashing lights!

Finally, set the whole thing on fire. Hell fire, only. OK, you can use regular fire ... or that effect they use in Pirates of the Caribbean ride ... or that yule log video ... or just make a crackling noise with some paper. Really, it's the evil thought that counts.