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I know that when your mother told you to never get in a car with strangers, it seemed like a pretty compelling argument. Yeah, it's tough to argue that mom had some pretty damn good points about the hazards of hurling down a secluded highway with some lazy-eyed steelworker named Griffon. It's absolutely true that he could pull down some dirt road, have his way with ya, and leave you for dead in a junk yard. Sure, it could happen. But are you really going to let that outside chance ruin one of the few totally bad ass rights of passage we have left in this shitball of a country?

What your mom didn't tell you is that while it's true that most people who pick up hitch hikers are perverts, the vast majority of perverts can be a hell of a lot of fun! Usually I find that once I decline the guy’s offer to let me hold the steering wheel while he jacks off, he gets so embarrassed that he buys me drive-through and lets me drink beer in the back seat.

Besides, do you really want to tell the story about the time you drove across Canada by yourself, and nothing happened? Wouldn’t it be better if years from now you could sit your grandkid on your knee and tell her about the time you got ringworm from some mangy dog in the back of a schizophrenic’s pickup truck?

Call me crazy, but I’ll take parasites and perverts over a shitty rental car any day.