I am a writer who is deeply committed to helping to change how older women are perceived in North America. There is a beauty, intelligence and inherent eroticism about them that a younger woman can only dream of, and there is a significant pool of men out there who “get” it. I am not so much interested in the cougar stereotype but rather, it is the authentic older woman who inspires me. My role models are Helen Mirren and Meryl Streep.

Friday, January 6, 2012

On Kissing: What Matters?

Having recently been treated to the company of a sensual and distinguished gentleman, I’ve experienced a most gentle stirring of all things visceral; places tidied up, shelved or ignored. It’s nice. Though I haven’t met him yet – our contact has been limited to the telephone – he brings to our conversations a strong and intriguing presence, and a certain something that I cannot yet identify, but draws me to him.

The other day, he asked me what kind of kissing I liked. Nobody has ever asked me that before, and it got me thinking. It got me thinking about how intimate the act of kissing is, and is in some ways more intimate than intercourse. I thought about past lovers; the ones I felt inclined to kiss, and the ones I did not. I thought about the times that kissing a man repelled me, and what it was about it I didn’t like. I remembered the kisses that made my heart want to burst with joy, or that stopped my world.

As with many other things in my life, it was only with experience and the passage of time that I really got to know, and trust, my deepest of sensibilities. And just as there are thousands of ways to make love, there are just as many ways to kiss somebody. I’ve got a pretty good range, and I’m fairly confident that my technique rivals that. But as most of us know, a good kiss can only go so far without someone responsive on the other end. And responsiveness is limited by what we are willing to experience.

I’ve had some decent kisses in my time, a few of them pretty hot. But my quest for the Holy Grail continues, and by that I refer not so much to an ideal but to a quality; something open and dynamic, an eroticism born of both heart and passion. That I am entering my “second adulthood” is fuel for that inspiration. I’ll be 50 this year, and I am far keener than I ever was to nuance. I’m ready for a whole new world of kissing, and for the first time in my life I’m beginning to feel I deserve it. To be desired sexually is one thing, but to be kissed, by someone who longs to kiss you – that is quite another.

That’s just me. So when he asked me that question, I did my best to answer it. I was shy. I like almost kissing, I told him, those tentative moments. But I also like ones that are sure; kisses deep, raw and lustful. So much of it depended on the mood, I told him. I tried to be eloquent, not sure how I fared. Inside, in my most private fantasies, I roamed. I imagined kisses that tantalize, or dance on the edge of something. I imagined foreheads kissing in tender communion. And I thought about the soft animal kiss; the one that explores, or indulges a primal yearning.

I remember the time that Adrien Brody surprised Halle Berry at the Oscars with a passionate kiss when she went up to accept her award. I remember the way he held her, and cradled her head. It reminded me of the way Clark Gable kissed Vivien Leigh in Gone with the Wind. We don’t see that style much any more. A lot of big screen kisses look and feel similar to me, even when there is chemistry. We live in an era of “everything you need to know about kissing” books. Maybe we need them because the average person lacks imaginative kissing abilities. While I’d be the first in a room to pick up a book on the “art of kissing” out of sheer curiosity, I think courage of heart matters more than skill.

At least in our later years, when hopefully, performance gives way to an earthly presence, and kissing becomes an expression of something that really matters.

Yes, Cara, you put it very well. I think if I had to pick a word to describe a bad kiss it would be "icky" as well! And about the bucket list reference, I assume you refer to the movie? Makes me think about something quite the opposite -- in an episode of Sex and the City, when Charlotte is at a bar with her gay friend, telling him that she had this really good sex with a guy she found icky (I think she used that word!) because he was bald, and crude, and had hair on his back and other such things. And his response was basically to say, honey, don't knock it -- ugly sex is hot!

Sometimes a kiss is best when it's not a kiss. When lips are millimeters apart and heated slow breath is literally exchanged. Or lightly licking teeth..or lightly sucking a lip.. Or holding her head in between my hands and repeatedly kissing fully but just lips...these all, with a caress of a cheek or back make a kiss.

Oh my. This. is. hot stuff. 4 comments. NO! I will rest when it's 104.I'll be 50 next year. And newly, not of my choosing, single. You make the world of new kisses feel like something I could imagine enjoying, toying with, playing with, being tantalised by. Thank you. I didn't think that was going to be possible for quite some time, if ever. PS. Since you're now my sensual saviour, would you please consider including some kind of honorary UK presence in your stated Northern American reach? #thankyouverymuchinanticipation

I think one of the hottest scenes I've ever seen in a movie is in Bridges of Madison County -- when the guy puts his hand on the back of the woman's CHAIR. Things don't have to be anatomical to be amazing. ;-)

I like your reference to nuance - so endangered in the overwrought world we live in, wherein kissing seems to have become less spontaneous, more like the act you have to accomplish on your way to getting on with the good stuff. That being said, I do love this idea from the Zohar (Kabala)-- that when two lovers kiss at the point of orgasm, it is the truest union of two souls.

I share your sentiments entirely, especially the bit about kissing having so often become about a thing to accomplish on the way to the good stuff. I often wonder why today, so much emphasis is on alternative forms of sexuality, or the right to free sexual expression or whatever, and so little talk about kissing. Thanks for your feedback and thoughts!

Sensually, a kiss can be everything. There need be nothing beyond because it is true communion, slow and luxurious and tantilizingly sweet, surrender and passion, erotic because it promises so much and is succulent nourishment all on its on. And that we cannot do alone!

The Theme of This Blog

I cover a variety of topics on this blog, but I endeavor to relate them, in some way, to the honoring of older women, or to challenging conventional ideas about aging. So while I enjoy writing on all kinds of subjects, my aim is to tie each post into one of these themes -- though at first glance, I'm sure it doesn't appear that way! I am just getting my feet wet; I am a "young" blogger, if you will. Thank you for joining me here.

Who I Am

I am a writer, editor and journalist looking to stimulate, inspire or encourage public discussion, on a national level, that helps change attitudes around aging for the better. Toward that end, I have come up with the concept of a dating site that celebrates the sensuality and wisdom of the older woman, and have found two incredible men working hard to make it a reality. SeptemberMay will be launching soon.
I produce and host a radio program, Being There, on campus radio, featuring in-depth interviews on a wide range of subjects. And as a writer, I specialize in being able to articulate with eloquence exactly what a person is trying to say but cannot find the right words for - a form of ghostwriting, but much more than that. I do web sites, book projects, BIOs, resumes and much more.