OK, my secret is out. I am a big fat load and my out of control eating caused my son's autism. The minute I found out I was pregnant I started eating all the food I could get my hands on. I ate a lot of tuna fish. My doctor says it is good for the baby and perfectly safe if I ate it 3-4 times week. I was 45 when my son was born and my husband was 70. I am told those are the typical ages of new parents who later have a child diagnosed with autism.

When I wasn’t eating I laid awake at night scheming how I could secure a disproportionate amount of our city’s educational services for my unborn child. If Christian had to have a disability so be it! I wanted those easily available free services given to all children with disabilities. In fact I actually sought out the autism diagnosis because I heard that a lot of families in my neighborhood had autistic kids and were receiving all these incredible therapies. As Dr. Peter Bearman says, autism is socially contagious! Don’t I know it!

As I got fatter and fatter I got social security to pay for a jazzy scooter. How I loved zipping around town, knowing I had, yet again, figured out a way to work the system!

I lived on the edge when I was pregnant. I watched a lot of TV (now I know TV is a major autism trigger.) I walked in the rain (apparently very dangerous to unborn children.) I knew I was playing with fire but I loved it!

Whenever I was slightly sick I immediately scooted over to my doctor’s office and demanded all the medication I could get. Like all Moms I liked to take a lot of medication during pregnancy. I never gave a thought to how it would affect my unborn child. Anti-biotics, SSRIs, you name it I took it! A healthy Mom is a happy Mom, right?

Then there was the stress. In retrospect I have learned that stress probably causes autism as well! Who knew? Stress was hard for me to avoid while pregnant. Do you think it’s easy dreaming up schemes to rip off the government? Well it’s not. Sure I loved my government paid for Jazzy scooter but getting around when you are obese turned out to be hard, stressful work. While I was pregnant I was really worried and stressed out that my child might not qualify for all the amazing, free educational services in my town. I needed a back up plan. I scouted out other towns with more services and made plans to move if I lucked out and autism was in the cards.

So imagine my shock when I had a healthy baby boy who reached all his developmental milestones on time and did not qualify for any free services! What a disappointment!

I had heard that postnatal factors are not relevant to autism causation. After all, almost all research is done on the prenatal period. So I accepted my lot. It looked like I would have a healthy, typical child with no developmental problems.

Despite the fact we almost never left the house and I only allowed about 4 people to hold Christian as an infant I decided that the CDC was right and my son needed to be immediately vaccinated for 6 different diseases at 2 months old. Measles is only a plane ride away you know! I have heard a lot of parents claiming that so many vaccines so early could be dangerous. What nonsense! I checked the CDC website and it assured me that lots and lots and lots of vaccines were perfectly safe for newborns.

Sure Christian had a day long super fever, felt really stiff and would not eat drink or sleep for 24 hrs after the vaccinations but that was just a coincidence. Plus my son kind of rebounded afterwards so I am sure there was no real damage done. After the 12 and 18 months round of mega shots Christian had the same bad reactions. This time the fevers lasted for many days and bad diarrhea started. It was such an inconvenience to me. I mean I did not want my son to be sick, just be quirky enough to get free services. However, pediatrician assured me that these fevers were perfectly normal.

Soon after that I started to notice that my son was sick a lot. Christian caught strep a bunch of times. His diapers were filled with really gross liquid BMs like 5 times a day. He developed eczema all over his body and seemed really “checked out” went I tried talking with him. This had nothing to do with autism but I wanted these weird problems to go away.

The pediatrician told me that these post vaccination problems were no big whoop and Christian would be fine. Strangely enough by the time he was about 20 months old a friend of mine said that Christian might qualify for special services after all. Naturally I was thrilled! It would be like getting a private school education for free!

Unfortunately the early intervention services did not seem to really help my son, maybe because he was sick all the time? Who knows? Well it turned out autism was a lot more than I bargained for. The sicknesses got worse and Christian started waking up for hours every night. Experts told me Christian would be fine and to stay away from “special diets and other unproven, crazy biomedical interventions.” Good advice I heeded!

It is really annoying that my son now has severe autism. It turns out that those “special services” barely pay for anything! I actually have to shell out a LOT of my own money most of the time. What a crock!

Some people tell me that all the negative reactions to the mega vaccines injections might have something to do with Christian’s autism. I say no way! First of all the CDC and the AAP assured me that his reactions were normal, secondly postnatal problems cannot cause autism. And finally everyone knows that those “anti vaccine” parents are just looking for something or someone to blame. Looking back I am certain Christian’s severe autism was, unfortunately, caused by my fat genes. Autism is a lot tougher than I thought it would be. I really regret being obese while pregnant. None of this was worth the Jazzy scooter.

P.S. Members of the CDC and I are holding a big fundraiser for more research on “how parents caused their child’s autism.” Hope to see you there!

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Dear TJ

Good point! I sincerely apologize for being insensitive.
I was trying to create a Mom who fits the ASD media / research community stereotype of
a greedy, dumb, lazy person who wants far more than she is entitled to have. ASD parents are often accused of bilking the system in a wholesale manner. This Mom was not entitled to a scooter but wanted one anyway, just as we are often portrayed as wanting special educational services our children don't really need.

I do understand that this was supposed to be farce and sarcastic at the incredibly stupid pronouncements by the scientific community, however, it was a bit insensitive to some of the parents of kids with Autism. For example, you said "I got social security to pay for a jazzy scooter". My wife, who suffers from Multiple Sclerosis and is the mom to our 12 yo Aspie, did have to get social security and bought a jazzy scooter, but unfortunately now can't even use that as she is bed-bound. The point I am trying to make is that you need to be more careful and sensitive when using examples in your farce as you may insult the very audience you are trying to solicit.

Since we are listing here - I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings but these deserve to be put on the same list as the obese Mommie;

*Living up wind 500 miles away from a coal fire electrical plant.

*Mecury is being picked up from China at ground level thrown up into almoast outerspace and winds sweep it all the way across the Pacific Ocean, the United States and heads right for Maine, or Minnisota.

I've been at this game since 2004 and I wish I had kept a timeline of these "dumb" pronouncements that interestingly seem to reach even those who live under a rock. Also interesting is their proximity to any nugget of truth that manages to scratch the surface ie. USA Today full page ad- Gen Rescue. And there is always a "choice" revelation in the month of April. Just say'en.

I know that Katie was just having fun with their latest display of stupidity, I the dad of a very severely VACCINE damaged child, just cannot understand how these
creatures sleep at night. For they truly have the Blood,
of thousands of children on their dirty corrupt hands.

This mother almost got the ultimate prize,burying her own son of 11 years.

This really should have been headlines, and breaking news across the world.

“Oh my God! There’s a little boy trying to cross the freeway,”

NORTH RICHLAND HILLS, Texas - An 11-year-old boy with autism found wandering around on a local freeway is safe thanks to a North Texas woman who followed her instincts.
Police were already searching for the little boy who had disappeared from the motel where his family was staying. Dozens of motorists most certainly passed him on the busy Loop 820 in North Richland Hills. But only Stephanie Hines stopped to help.
“Oh my God! There’s a little boy trying to cross the freeway,” she can be heard telling a dispatch officer. “Oh my God! He’s running. Oh my God!”
Hines called 911 just after stopping her car in the roadway and leaving her own two kids belted in the backs eat to stop the boy who seemed oblivious to the danger.
“[The dispatcher] told me he was autistic but I didn’t hear her the first time and then when she told me the second time I said, ‘How do I contact him if he can’t hear me or can’t speak. What do I do?’” she said.
Hines managed to grab the boy before anything happened to him.
“Come here baby. I got him!” she said on the 911 call.

Total waste of time and money on the part of these researchers. South Korea has higher rates (1 in 38) of autism than the USA but an obesity rate of only 3.5%, compare that to the USA rate of 34.3% and you can see it's not even worth researching. They do however vaccinate, eat pesticide laden food (even more I would imagine as their fresh produce consumption is much higher than ours) and eat more mercury containing seafood than the USA.

we're constantly told that our sugar consumption and soft drink consumption is the driving force causing the obesity epidemic. It's just as obvious that the REAL cause of autism is 'Big Sugar'.

My bmi was 24.5 exactly when I got pg with my most affected child. I gained exactly SIX pounds with her. She weighed just shy of EIGHT pounds. I know, for a fact, that my blood sugars never climbed over 110 my entire pregnancy. My A1c Just prior to conception was 4.8 (try that at home folks!) and my fasting insulin was FOUR.

But, no one pay any attention to the TWO amalgam fillings I had drilled out while breastfeeding her when she was 2 WEEKS old. Or the upper respiratory infection she developed just a week later. No connection at all. None.

Oh yeah, she was also hepb vaxd WITHOUT my permission. I had explicitly informed the nurses/neonatal docs not to vax her. She'd nursed like a champ prior to that. Afterwards, not so much with the great nursing.

But, according the pedi who offered me risperdal when she was 2.5YRS old, 'it's genetic, it's nothing you did'. LOL. 'it's genetic, it's nothing you did'. HAHAHAHA. Catch the snark? 'it's genetic, it's nothing you did! LOLOLOL. I'm sure I don't have to tell any of you that as the pedi told me that there was a noticeable smirk. Hubby was so angry he wanted to complain to the practice. We did better. we fired the practice.

Katie and other parents of children with ASD I just wanted to write and say that I have been reading a lot about this lately. That is probably an understatement, as I spend ALL my spare time reading medical journals, to the point where my pop-up adds are now for continuing my medical education! Hah.

Anyhow, for what it is worth I just wanted to tell you that I believe you about what you have seen happen to your kid(s). I don't have a kid with autism (I do have one with T1 diabetes diagnosed at age 2!). There are many out here who see your observations as valid part of discerning what is happening. Sometimes it takes awhile for the scientific to catch up with the anecdotal. Who knows what we will find in the future, but good luck in it all.

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I can clearly see how our behaviors caused our children's autism: wearing glasses, watching SpongeBoB, scented candles, marriages between young fat women and elderly men, pet dogs....The CDC must research these obvious environmental triggers with great urgency.

Now I would like to see all researchers who commented with such confidence that obesity can cause autism to submit pictures of themselves or their wives at 9months pregnant so we too may published a detailed commentary on their weight.

Katie-- What a great antidote to the odd world at the Sacramento California capitol today.

Assemblyman (?) Pan--introducing the bill that will require parents to get a doctor's permission slip before their exemption will be accepted--actually did say "didn't it just come out that autism is caused by obesity"?

Doggone it. . .he was ON to us . .. I didn't want to admit it was caused by my twinkie habit, so I was unfairly blaming it on injecting neurotoxins into infants!

You all haven't even gotten to the best part yet, after letting my son redecorate the walls of our home with his head and getting kicked out of these special schools that can't handle difficult behaviors. he now is living the high life at a residential facility. Just think, your child doesn't even have to live with you, strangers can care for your child, you can luxuriate in the knowledge that you'll never fully know what is happening in and with their lives. YOu can visit on weekends and holidays, what more could you want, after all who really wants to raise their kids and see them grow up to be independent people...there's jazzy's to ride

Katie, your article was so hysterical I tinkled myself a bit! Of course, this sudden onset of incontinence will sure be traced back to my son's autism.

My pastor once said, "Truth and Time".
They are running out of ways to blame the parents.

I'm sure some sort of canine investigation is already in the works. I mean we DID have a black laborador at the time my son was being poked by greed's needles. But enough about vaccines...let's start researching those Fidos!!!

Ladies and Gents- Be kind to the medical community. Just as we all must be kind to the educational community. I've mentioned the very special perks one garners from the ponzi scheme a.k.a. Autism that our children and families/friends/co-workers and ah-ha moment pundits who know we're on to something special here. Special as in special needs but be kind - one month a year, you know.

There's only one medical/governmental solution - DO NOT THINK! Please one and all... do not belabor the point. There will be psychiatric drug panaceas for our children and for us, as well. As I was told a number of years ago, "Hey, mommy there's always Respirodal... your son will be flapping no matter what. Side-effects, you'll never know the difference. Maybe you, Max and his teachers will get some much needed relief." I'm sure many if not all of you have heard this gem before. And, hey if that doesn't work maybe you should endure the alphabet soup of pharmacopia.

So, stop the "stinkin' thinkin' (another IEP treat). As advocates we are all doing our best - whether we think so or not. Yes, there's plenty of blame to go around and typically we are blaming ourselves. PLEASE BE KIND TO YOURSELVES. Goodness knows, it's in short supply these days. Every presidential candidate wants to be the "Autism President." Wow, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

My Burt Bacharach moment for one and all is "Say a Little Prayer." I know I just danced like a mad woman with my kids - who I should have Clonidined already - but Max in all his "oops, don't know how to clean myself after evacuating my bowels everywhere" and Kathryn's disgust over said situation yet galavanting about with her pants off, eczema on full display not to mention her nether regions - just joined in.

I may have missed it, but did anyone mention that it is just the really smart talented people that have big brains and super smart to begin with that have kids with autism because the kids were just overloaded with smarts.

have we all forgotten the water? Did you cast your hat to the wind and drink from a bottle? (plastics) or were you daring and drank from the tap? Did you use a mug glazed with lead from china? Or a lead filled crystal gobblet? Forget the Koolaide!! What about the water!!

Gosh! We knew we had really made it happen as my cousin-husband (don't forget that study) and I hobbled our old, fat butts out of bankruptcy court this year. We thought nothing could top the euphoria of selling our house in exchange for sub par speech services in a crowded, dirty, useless facility. Everything we wanted for our baby boys when they were born. Those friends of ours that couldn't secure special services for their cherubs are grrrreeeeeeeennn with envy as we speed nightly around the hood breathing in highway fumes on our government Jazzy humming "If they could see me now...." Ahhhh it's good to be us:) maybe we should make the version of that song by Connie Francis the theme of our movement? Good Lord the CDC is NUTS!!!

LOL! With the extreme frustration, and did I mention extreme frustration, that surrounds getting a child with autism help, it's good to vent in humorous ways. It's really the BETTER option as compared to other ways to vent.

I know what you mean. I had 2 beautiful kids, a terrific husband, a career firing on all 8 cylinders in a field I loved, a lovely home, and lots of great friends.

I thought, how boring! I mean who is going to want to make a movie about this charmed life??!! I needed to spice things up a bit, add some major drama. Plus I was pissed that I had paid so many taxes and so much into our medical insurance premiums without being able to suck on that government tit, or claim some real insurance moolah.

So I went for it big time, and not only got an autism diagnosis for my son (cha ching!), but also a cancer diagnosis for my husband!! At the same time!! Sorry Katie, but I think I beat you at this game--I was going for the whole enchilada, the full monty! I got to add cross country flights to cancer centers to cross country flights to autism doctors! And there were other benefits. Loss of my career!! The thrill of teetering on bankuptcy for ten straight years!!! Constant battles with our insurance company and school district!!!! The crazy fun anticipation of press articles that portrayed autism correctly--that never ends because it never happens!!!!! The intellectual, physical, and emotional challenge of being my son's lawyer, doctor, teacher, advocate, director of programming, researcher, best friend and mom, ALL AT THE SAME TIME, WITH NO SUPPORT and NEVER ENDINGLY! Yaaaaaaaaaaay!

So I feel your joy...but am a little upset that I missed out on that scooter. I'll be hopping off now to check that out.

In terms of the autism rate in Utah--strange I pass through there often as a airport hub and I haven't notice the ancient fathers chasing after those obese mothers. They must be hiding. In the fabulous Fifties moms smoked, drank, and consumed a pot of coffee per day and still managed to give birth to normal, even high achieving children, without batting an eye or feeling a twinge of guilt. And with no birth control some of those women smoked and drank their way through multiple pregnancies with 4 or 5 being the average. Could it be that chain smoking combined with drinking alcohol and coffee might be preventative? If Utah were the only examplar then the smoking, and drinking hypothesis might be worth pursuing. But then there is New Jersey where religion does not banish those party hard moms. So, I guess it's back to the fat moms and ancient dads thesis.

Personally, I think it's the Jazzy scooters. I used a Rascal scooter with my older son and he is much less affected than my younger/Jazzy scooter son. (sure, he also received fewer vaccines, but that's beside the point)

At least we can be certain that right now, as we speak, studies are being conducted looking at the link between autism and motorized wheelchairs. Where would we be without the "scientists"?

Thanks for highlighting this profound discovery! Those poor fat, scooter-less, TV watching, rain-strolling, pharmaceutical scarfing, freeway squatting moms of the past, in concert with older men of course, never even knew what they were missing. Such advancement of modern medicine, awareness, more of the "greater good!"

Great post, Katie! I made all my friends so jealous when my son got to go to a special preschool, and I know they're still jealous that he gets to be bussed an extra half hour in the cool short bus to elementary school while their kids ride those ugly long buses to the neighborhood school 5 minutes away. If only I'd known how to score a Jazzy!

Michelle - I put a lot of blame on the mouth full of fillings I had, too. I had them replaced after my first pregnancy, when I started reading about mercury, and my two younger kids are NT. I also realized when I was putting in my contacts one day that the bottle of cleanser said "Thimerosal free" and I thought back to how long that had been the case since I'd begun wearing contacts at age 12. I'm sure at least through the 80 and 90s that lens solution was NOT Thimerosal free, so that's 10+ years of leaky mercury fillings and daily Thimerosal in the eyes to set my toxic womb up, then the vaccines to swoop in and finish the job at 18 months, when I took my son in to the ped with double-ear infections and eczema from that yet-unknown milk allergy, but "we might as well save a trip and get all the shots while you're here!"

I got this one off of a blogger over from Huffington post on the article slamming Donald Trump for speaking out about vaccins.

"Rise in autism comes AFTER the 1980's when cocaine abuse becomes more prevalent in western societies. Before the cocaine era, autism was rare. Vaccine use has not changed, but human behavior regarding consumption of brain altering substances has. "

Okay - I admit it - I have never ever touched alcohol - it is againest my religion - so thus I really did need that cocaine.

Also, all those scented candles I use to burn around Christmas time -- I suppose that is called huffing???

Of Course Katie! We all know that in 1970 only 1 in 10,000 women were obese and this was BS (Before Spongebob). But I am confused. Wasn't there a groundbreaking study a few years ago saying that autism dads preferred skinny women? What would I know I am just another overeducated mother.

well. Anne got it first but remember the time you rode your
jazzy scooter on the freeway to meet Mnookin for lunch?
Or how about the time you watched Sesame Steet 3 hours in a row? And did you ever have your lungs checked to see if they were odd shaped? Lots to think about. Thanks, maurine

Oh Katie, you made my morning with this... You hit the nail on the head and wonderfully pointed out the absurdity of so many of these theories. I am going to have to watch out for you on your zippy Jazzy (LOL)! I assume that at the fundraiser all beverages will be served in BPA-containing cups and we will snack on genetically-modified veggies????

It angers me so much when I hear "experts" claiming that we parents are somehow gaming the system and seeking out an ASD diagnosis for all those "benefits" or the social cache (I can just see that conversation... who has the better car? who just bought a vacation home? who took an exotic trip? Oh, you have child with autism? Wow, you win - that is definitely "A list".)

I will tell you part of this IS my fault prenatally, however. I have been having all my crowns and fillings replaced by an Hg free dentist recently. He has told me about all the mercury and nickel he's removing from my mouth. When I think of all these leaking amalgams into my body while I was making my babies, I feel ill.

April 17, 2012 Prevent Autism Now (PAN) collected statistics from 5,000 families in 2004 and found that abstinence from vaginal intercourse prevented autism 100% of the time.

Diane Farr, spokesperson for PAN says, "in light of recent statistics showing that 1 in 38 boys have some form of autism this has to be very exciting news for families wishing not to have a child with autism or a developmental disability."

"More than 10 million vaccines per year are given to children less than 1 year old, usually between 2 and 6 months of age. At this age, infants are at greatest risk for certain medical adverse events, including high fevers, seizures and sudden infant death (SIDS). Some infants will experience these medical events shortly after a vaccination by coincidence.

"These coincidences make it difficult to know whether a particular adverse event resulted from a medical condition or from a vaccination. Therefore, vaccine providers are encouraged to report all adverse events following vaccination, whether or not they believe the vaccination was the cause"

Can someone please explain to me why public health officials would deliberately expose children .. less than one year of age .. arguably their most critical time of development .. to 10 MILLION VACCINES A YEAR .. KNOWING those vaccines may exacerbate the "great risk for certain medical adverse events" that already threaten their fragile health?

A few thousand "precursors" following vaccines leading to autism may be coincidental .. but .. common sense dictates that TENS OF THOUSANDS of parents reporting the very same precursors leading to autism is likely CAUSATION.

Every medical expert knows that there is a clear link between sex and Autism. The first warning sign is having children as a result of this dangerous activity. Prevention may be possible as early as "first base" - early intervention is the key. Diagnosis of sexually transmitted Autism typically occurs 2 years (4 if you're really lucky) after the onset of parenthood.

LOVE IT...my sentiments exactly...:P...everyone keeps saying why worry about how your child GOT IT...well for a trouble shooter like myself. You can't fix a problem if you don't know how it happened. If you know how they got it you can prevent it. That is just the way Im wired. My child - was born this way due to my own health Im sure - but I had exposeure to chemicals that make people sterile...most people don't. Anyway they choose to give Angel vaccinations even though she was only 2 lbs 13 oz...and I said WTF? if she is 90% underweight for her age can't the shots WAIT...for Christ sake. I tested her for metals and though its not mercury...she has tin, antimony, and uranium...WTH did she get uranium? good luck on your childs path to recovery...look up a machine called the ASYRA AT3...and see if there is one near you...homo pathic medicine is the only kind Angel will take...my autistic 6 yr old. I have to goto regular doctor though when her funds run out for the year from the phoenix center here. They pay for some natural medicine and out of pocket things here.

Wow, you've done it now Katie. The big secret is out. When my son and daughter were diagnosed with Autism I thought I had it made. I mean 2 disabled kids? Talk about initiative. I thought I had finally realized the American dream. Now thanks to parents like you too many families are taking advantage of this life altering opportunity. Is it any wonder that there are so few services available to all the joiners? You really had to get in on the ground floor, you know, like Amway.

Oh, well... obesity (a.k.a. The New Refrigerator Mothers) older fathers (a.k.a. The New Daddy Issues) better diagnosis by more qualified pediatricians (my kids first pediatrician back in the 90's was also our barber, dentist and part time alchemist).

I can only hope the CDC doesn't make the obvious genetic link between autism and mothers who require eye glasses. I wore them during both of my pregnancies.