Monday, July 5, 2010

Natasha

Thank you so much for inviting me to Killer Characters. I'm Natasha. Just the one name please, like Cher and my idol, Martha. This is such a wonderful opportunity for me to set the record straight.

Remember that advertisement where the woman said, "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful?" I live that. You see, I am a beauty queen and for some reason, jealousy, I suppose, that makes it hard for other women to be close to me. My best friend is Sophie Winston. She doesn't seem to mind that I'm gorgeous, maybe because we grew up together and she knows all my secrets. Sophie is short and round and, well, she can't really help that. It wouldn't hurt her to take more interest in fashion, though. And if she wore makeup and actually fixed her hair instead of just pulling it back into a ponytail or clipping it up with one of those hideous banana clips she could be attractive. She's not completely unfortunate looking.

But I'm not here to talk about Sophie. Krista has encouraged me to share the non-public side of my life. You see, I am a domestic diva. I have a local television show in Washington, DC, so I always have to put my best face forward. It's really not fair of people to be envious, because I have worked very hard to get where I am.

I didn't have a nurturing dad around to help me. The sad truth is that he left my mom and me when I was seven years old. Just up and left and we've never heard from him again. I don't know if he's living or dead. I worry about him. I imagine him living at homeless shelters, scruffy and unshaven. So I secretly volunteer in soup kitchens in the hope I'll find him.

My mom is a waitress at the Dixie Diner in my hometown. She works so hard. Obviously she brought me up all by herself, so I love and adore her. But, Mom is a bit of an embarrassment. Imagine a very superstitious Jamie Lee Curtis with all the taste of, well, a tramp. Miniskirts and cleavage. That's my mom. So you understand I have to keep her out of the public eye because I try so hard to be elegant and perfect. I can't have her publicly tossing salt around me or chanting things to keep evil spirits away!

Now, there is one more little issue that I really would like to address. There are those who believe that I stole Mars from Sophie. Here are the facts. Sophie and Mars were married. They are now divorced and Mars lives with me. We're not married -- yet. I'm working on that. In fact, other than taking my show national, which I *will* do someday, getting married to Mars is one of my very biggest projects.

It's been lovely visiting with all of you. Hugs and kisses to everyone. And I could use some advice. How did you trick, er, convince your husband to walk down the aisle?

Natasha, I'm so sorry about your dad and mom and I can see how that might affect your judgment. Perhaps you should look at Sophie in another light? Hmmm? She's so lovely and gracious and she's your friend even though... Have you ever thought about being nice and honest and well, approachable? Perhaps Mars would snatch you up in a second. Does he know everything about your mom and dad? Vulnerability and honesty are highly underrated. But good luck. Think about seeing a therapist.

Hey - Tally said there was someone on this blog thingie that wanted to find out about getting married. Sister, listen to a girl who knows. I've been married a time or two (or three or four), and it's really not all it's cracked up to be.

Oh, actually getting married is lovely. *Being married*, not so much. First, they stop wooing you. (At least, my husbands did.) And being married means disentangling your lives is a lot harder. Divorce is the butt-ugly yin to the lovey-dovey yang of the wedding.

Sounds as though you and Hillary Singletary, my boss Bennett's stepdaughter, would get along very well. And she doesn't live all that far. Hates the small town and craves action. And money, and power... A real sweetie, just like you.

Maybe one of these days you can come to Marshfield for afternoon tea and you and Hillary can chitchat. I'm sure you have lots in common. That would keep Hillary out of my hair ... er, I mean... make her happy.(and maybe give Sophie a break, too.)

Good morning, Dru. You know, I have noticed that Mars spends far too much time with Sophie. Thank you for confirming that. Maybe I should put a stop to it. You're quite right about moving. I would love to buy Sophie's house but she won't budge.

Charlotte, I hate to break it to you, but Sophie's freezer is a mess. The contents aren't even alphabetized!

Avery, I *am* approachable! Fans of my show adore me. I just have problems with women who envy me.

My, my, Tally. You round gals certainly are sensitive! Personally, I think round is a nice way to say chubby.

Oh, Bree! I so want to be married at least once. You've been married so many times -- couldn't you tell me how you managed to lure your husbands to the altar?

Grace, what a lovely invitation. I would be delighted to visit you and Hillary at Marshfield. I hear it's wonderful! I'll just have to bring either Sophie or Mars with me so they won't be together again while I'm away.

It's nice to meet you. Perhaps other women aren't jealous of you, but you're projecting your own insecurities on them. As a psychologist, I find that people who are happy with themselves are the most pleasant to be around. Just remember, looks fade and it's good to have a back up plan.

Natasha, maybe Mars is more afraid of the wedding than the marriage. What if you made it clear that you would prefer the simplest of weddings. Just you and Mars, the Justice of the Peace, and two witnesses - your mothers, perhaps? You could wear an elegant dress in your signature robin's egg blue. A touch of tone-on-tone embroidery would make it special.

And as far as Mars goes, they say if you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't it never was. Maybe try that with him; he just might not be worth all the effort you're going to. In reality, he may not even want either of you, and is just staying in his own comfort zone because it's the easiest thing to do. Think about it.

Nice to meet you. I could use a little fashion advice, actually. Whenever I have to dress up, I'm mostly stuck choosing between overalls and . . . well, short overalls. Maybe we could plan a shopping trip?

How lovely to meet you, Denise. Me, insecure? Well, maybe a little, but I cover up and march on! I'm perfectly happy with myself. It's true that looks fade. Back up plan: cosmetic surgery!

Willow, darling, how would it look if a domestic diva like me skipped the best parts of the biggest day of a girl's life? It's a sweet suggestion, but do without a huge meringue of a white dress? No flowers? No string quartet? No gala dinner or eight tier cake? I don't think so.

Oh my, Signlady! Perish the thought. Though I must say that since we're not even engaged, Mars is technically free. Maybe that's why he's over at Sophie's so much. I have to watch those two! Thanks for reminding me to keep an eye on them.

Becca, I would love to take you shopping! What fun. Do you have a signature color? Everyone should, you know. Overalls? Oh, sweetie, we need to take that shopping trip right away!

Hi Natasha, I know exactly what you mean about a "back-up plan"--plastic surgery. Lola, Dr. Maggie's mom in the Talk Radio Mysteries, has had so much plastic surgery she looks younger than everyone in Hollywood (maybe with the possible exception of Dakota Fanning. .)

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