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Peace. Tranquility. Insanity.

20 Fun Things to Say to Your Partner Just to Be Annoying

1. “Is there a particular reason why you can’t unload the dishwasher? Is it a religious issue?”

2. “That button on the DVR remote that says ‘Erase All’? What happens if you accidentally push that? And what happens if I’m the one that pushed it?”

3. “You think it’s okay that the Christmas boxes are still stacked in the den? Let’s put you in the attic and see how you feel about things being in the wrong place for 11 months of the year.”

4. “I hung up on your brother. Never liked him. Too whiny.”

5. “Can I borrow that book you read? You know, the one that told you it was okay to pick all the meat off the leftover pizza and then shove it back in the refrigerator? That one.”

6. “Do you think I’m prettier than Eva Longoria?”

7. “You do realize that the people on ‘Survivor’ can’t hear you, right?”

8. “What was the name of that restaurant we ate at that one time where they had breadsticks?”

9. “Do you think pudding has feelings?”

10. “I’m taking the kids back to the store. I don’t think these are the ones we ordered.”

11. “I love pencil shavings.”

12. “What’s a word that rhymes with ‘orange’?”

13. “The hard drive was getting full on our computer, so I had to delete some pictures. You remember what your family members look like, right?”

14. “I wrote a poem about our relationship. Want to hear it?”

15. “No, really, do you? Wait, why are you crying?”

16. “You know I love you. But can we talk about your toenails? You could harvest bamboo with that mess.”

17. “I think we should start making our own ketchup from scratch.”

18. “You know that little whimpering noise you make when you want to have sex? It’s not as cute as you think it is.”

19. “I might have done something I shouldn’t have with that thing you told me to never touch.”

20. “Would it be possible for you to sneeze in a way that doesn’t sound like a cow exploded?”

Originally published in “The Sound and the Fury” on 11/10/10. Considerably revised for this post, especially the second half where I was apparently winging it without any degree of skill, and most of the items hit the recycle bin. And yes, I realize this one is a bit mean-girlish, but the true intent is just exasperated silliness, the hallmark of Bonnywood…

Run with the wind and have a great time! (And yes, I do pause before posting things like this, as I fully understand that it can be a little discomfiting for some folks, dealing as they are with things gone awry, but I hope the humor soothes things a bit.)

Hubby sympathies with the ‘partner’ in this hilarious little list. Because he NEVER (willingly) did any sort of ‘woman’s work’ type chores, #7 was (if you inserted football, boxing or racing (cars)) his ‘thing’ and yet he didn’t see the irony when I’d get frustrated and yell at the TV; and he was guilty of saying some of those things on the list to ME (as if I’m not absolutely perfect and he had nothing to bitch about)…well he’s dead now and can’t contradict me…so that’s my story and I’m sticking to it! Thanks for the chuckle, btw, I really need to trying laughing more…I think my giggle box thinks my throat has been slit or something… 😉

You know I am fully invested in the health of your giggle box. Don’t tell the other folks who are commenting, but I really relish hearing what you have to say about each of my posts, hoping that at least one bit or another got you to a happy place. And to be fair, many of the things on this list actually apply to me as well, but I’m not going to officially admit it unless a judge looks at me and says “the defendant must answer the question”…

Fair enough. Clean pipes are essential to healthy living. But perhaps there could be some type of warning beforehand, so I don’t dive under the coffee table, convinced that it’s an air raid I might not survive…

Consider the amount of space a dishwasher takes up in a home percentage wise. Consider the value of that space as a percentage of the total property value. Then consider the amount of time it actually serves a functional purpose. Then and only then will you understand the need to use the space in order to get your moneys worth. Leaving the dishes in maximizes the usage. See?

I’m pretty sure I’ve done #8, or at least some variation of it. Such as, “What was the name of the movie we saw with that guy in it and they did that thing and I think someone died, didn’t they? Or maybe they got married. Anyway, see if it’s on Netflix.”

On the flip side, there are those times when, despite my description admittedly lacking in detail, I know dang well that Partner knows exactly what I’m talking about but he refuses to meet me half way. Argh! 😉

I’m all about the 8s. I can’t even remember how my favourite film ends. There was a comedy sketch once that went along those lines as per CJ above. It ended with ‘Didn’t he use to be John Wayne?’ If anyone knows where that came from. I’ve searched for years as I regularly quote it. Excellent use of a sarcastic tone. The more facetiousness the better.

See, now you have me banging around on Google, trying to figure out this comedy sketch of which you speak. I’m finding nada at the moment, but right now I’m still fully determined about this mission…. 😉

If you do pursue this mission, it was possibly as far back as the 80s and I want to say it was a sketch show (rather than a sit-com), probably British, but could be wrong on all counts. Is that vague enough? While you’re at it, could you also research the 1970’s British advert that had the tagline ‘Every one’s a fluffy one’. Then that will be another mysterious quote of mine solved. Thankyou.

Sigh. I really did intend to do some serious excavation, but now you have me questioning my dedication to this pursuit. Oh, screw it, where there’s a will there’s a way, or something like that (my apology to the quote purists out there) and maybe, someday, I will find the nuggets we seek. Which reminds me of certain amorous conquests in my early Twenties, but that’s a story for another time…