Friday, November 20, 2015

Disneyland: an Appreciation

It seems like I’ve been going to Disneyland my entire life. And that’s
because I have.

And my delight upon experiencing it as a child only gave way to my wonder
upon seeing it as an adult which has become a sincere appreciation of being
there as a grizzled old silverback.

I was lucky enough to grow up in Orange County. No, wait: I HATED living in
500 square miles of housing tracts, strip malls and business parks. A
metropolis so deeply, lobotomically Republican that I didn’t even know there
WAS a two-party system until I went off to college.

There were precious few escapes when you grew up behind the Orange Curtain.
Surfing was about the only thing that held a hint of the Wilds of Nature that
had been bulldozed to make more Leisure Worlds. But we alone had this…..oasis
of Thrills, Fantasy and Fun right in our backyards.

I was lucky to grow up in Orange County because we had the worlds greatest

Parachutists eye-view

theme park for our very own. But Disneyland was more than a Six Flags to me. It
was a Portal away from the pre-programmed solipsism of Suburbia and to an
inclusive Magical Realm, where we all belonged.

Yeah yeah yeah, I KNOW about the Conservatism of Walt and his personal
State. The racism, sexism and homophobia of the times that distilled into a
white-washed fiefdom of small town, Midwestern NO-ness. All true. Also true was
that it was WAY WORSE in the reality of living in the real world outside of the
park.

1970. Note pith-helmet on my smoking dad.
(foreshadowing)

Disneyland, whitebread-beerless-beardless-no-gum-for-sale Disneyland was
the only place in my childhood that encouraged me to think for myself, to
explore, and consider alternate realities. It was the safe haven for my
Imagination.

Some Reminiscences

I don’t remember my first visit as I was 2 in 1967. From 1970 I have a few washed out snapshots but not my long-lost
set of mouse ears. Soon though the visits became so frequent that they all blurred
together. Back in the wild, wild 1970’s my mom used to drop off 12 year old me
(and my friend Richard) and then pick us up 14 hours later. I doubt few parents
attempt such stunts now-a-days!

From 1985. Unlimited rides for less than $15.00!

I have wonderful memories embedded about every 60 feet of the parks walkways.
I can sit on a bench in New Orleans Square and see myself walk or run by at
about 10 different ages. And each time my expression is pretty much the same.
:-)

A couple of memorable memories:

·The only time my entire family went was when I
was 5, my Sister Joni was 10, my parents, and my brother Michael was 17.
Mike had brought a buddy and they took off and disappeared as soon as we got
inside the park. The rest of us headed for Tom Sawyer island to burn off a
little kiddie adrenalin. We were walking near the South end of the island
(where one day the Fantasmic! stage would be), when a bush started talking to
us.

And the bush said: “Will the Latham party please report to Security at the
top of Main Street. Thank you.” We hurried back to the mainland - no waiting
for the Becky Thatcher raft when you say you need to get to Security - and when
we got to the top of Main Street we looked around for Security, which of course
we couldn’t see (because its EVERYWHERE). But then a kindly old gentleman
stepped out of the “Photo Supply” shop, called us by name, and ushered us into
the back of the shop, where we all sat down in a small, sparsely furnished
room.

2002: Blasé on Space Mountain.

Grandpa calmly explained to us that my stupid brother and his buddy had
been caught on the Skyway tram, pouring Coca-Cola onto people below. We all hid
our smiles. My father then asked if we would have to leave the park, and
Grandpa said Yes. We all hung our heads.

But, Grandpa continued, with a twinkle in his eye, WHEN we leave is up to
us. He then explained that if we liked, we could continue on with our day and
they would “watch” our morons until we came to claim them. The four of us
Latham’s looked at each other and shrugged. Then we all smiled, shook Grandpa’s
hand, and headed for the Submarine Voyage.

“The park closes at Midnight tonight,” Grandpa called to us, “and don’t
worry. We’ll take GOOD care of them.”

1987: My brother, Dad and I, on the riverfront.

11 or so hours later we returned, feeling exhausted, delighted and a bit
guilty, and reported in to claim our idiots. Another kindly gentleman met us
and escorted us down Main Street. We asked, a bit sheepishly, if they had been
locked up all this time. “Oh no, no no no” Grandpa #2 laughed, “We wanted them
to have a bit more……stimulation during their stay with us.”

He then explained that they had spent the day on a bench at the foot of
Main Street, watched over by a variety of Security Grandpas, who also got them
lunch and dinner. All day long they had to watch thousands of happy people
stream past them. And every fifteen minutes the Marching Band would set up and
blast a Sousa march or two - right over
their heads.

2015: Ryan and I, waiting for the train.

When they saw us Michael and his friend rose to their feet and hung their
heads. They could not have looked more tired, or ashamed. We looked back at
Grandpa #2, who was conferring with Grandpa #15 (or whatever). The kindly old
gentlemen then waved at us, smiled big smiles, and headed back up to the “Photo
Supply Shop”.

The teenagers did not say word 1 to us on the way home, and by tacit
agreement this episode was never mentioned in my stupid brothers presence,
ever. But he would always leave the room if I put on marching band music.

1982: On the brand new Big
Thunder Railroad.
(I DO have a chin!)

·In 1981 Richard and I, aged 16, had the
brilliant idea to attempt to go on every single attraction at Disneyland in one
day. We hit the turnstiles at the 9am opening bell, grabbed a map and ran to
Space Mountain.

The rest of the day was literally a blur as we ran from land to land,
discussing strategy and circling the things we had already done. I'm not even
sure we ate at all. 14 hours later we had just three more things to go and one
hour to do them in:

1.The cute
young girl piloting our Storybook land Canal Boat found it hilarious that two
young, exhausted sunburned boys wanted to ride at 11pm. But she dutifully
grabbed her spotlight and guided us through the miniatures, while we struggled
to stay awake.

2.Last up
was the deserted Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln, which we slept through,
standing up, leaning on each other.

3.On our way
out of the park, we double checked our soggy, ripped map, now all but
obliterated by our pen circles. And damnit - we forgot something - there, on
the weird piece of land between Fantasyland and Tomorrowland - the fucking Motor Boat Cruise. Jesus. We shambled back through the emptying park and somehow
convinced a very dubious guide that we did indeed wish to ride his stupid
kiddie ride at 11:45pm.

A lot of my memories of the park are Music-related. My Father and I used to
go there in the 70's, back in the 'ticket coupon' era, and just get a general
admission. We'd go just for the Big Band and Dixieland bands. I saw Bob Crosby
and his Bobcats at the Carnation Plaza Gardens, a slightly seasick Kid Ory on
the Mark Twain riverboat (motion sickness smells like bourbon, right?), and a
very bemused Pete Fountain on a raft in front of Tom Sawyer Island. "I've
been adrift many times onstage - but this is the first time I've ever had the
stage drift!"

Before I came along my Dad used to go see the Firehouse Five + Two at the Golden Horseshoe, and later Richard and I once spent two whole hours listening
to the Teddy Buckner band blow the baguettes out of the French Market Restaurant.

2015: Karen, Kim and Ryan about to go on
Indiana Jones. Ryan is driving, OF COURSE.

(I remember that Teddy's bass player was so ancient that the entire band
had to help him up to the stage. They then inserted his double string bass into his hands,
and he slapped the hell out of the thing for two full sets. Then the band
gently took it out of his hands and helped him down off of the stage.)

Imagineering Lines

I've written before about why I think Disneyland will always be the best
Theme Park ever (In short, because you are almost never out of sight of water),
but I will add that a big part of the charm of the place is that it seems
small. Disneyland - crowded, blistering, screamy Disneyland is HOMEY. How is
that accomplished? Engineering, boys and girls.

16 is the new line complex on the Jungle Cruise.
15 is the way to Indiana Jones. Pirates is just off to the left.

Take the stretch from the Jungle Cruise up to Pirates of the Caribbean.
Picture that. Walk it in your mind. Its only about 100 yards. On your right are
bathrooms, open-walled shops and a restaurant. On your left are 3 of the
biggest rides of the park. 16 million people walk through here every year, and
yet foot traffic is always smooth and serene. There is even room for a
kajillion strollers to be left behind (On any given day 40 of the parks 160
acres are occupied by empty strollers).

So where are all the millions who want to ride the rides?

On the Jungle Cruise* the crowds are packed
into an ingenious two story maze right on the dock.

For Pirates, the line snakes all over a
pedestrian overpass and also alongside the building.

Forget Johnny. We all know who the REAL star of Pirates is.

And between them, the Indiana Jones ride (which barely has a
footprint next to the Swiss Family Robinson Tarzan Tree house) has a line that cleverly sneaks you out of the park completely and into a huge building that
used to be the 'Eeyore' part of the parking lot.

(In true Disney fashion that obscure fact is immortalized by having one of
the Eeyore signs visible way up in the rafters of the queue.)

The only constant is Change

Walt was very adamant about the fact that Disneyland would never be static.
I've seen a lot of things come and go in my 6 decades of attendance. I remember
the hype of Space Mountain opening in 1977 - now the park had TWO
rollercoasters. (Big Thunder Mountain in 1981 boosted the total up to THREE!!)

2016-2017 will see the opening of a 14 acre Star Wars land, located between
Big Thunder Mountain and Fantasyland. My question here is what will they then
do with Tomorrowland, which is already decked out in plastic light sabers and

1970: Me and Joni with a real, live "Red Indian".

Chewbacca mugs. I mean Tomorrowland was always pretty pathetic, but the only
thing it had going for it recently was the Star Wars stuff. Take all that away
and you'll be left with 40-year old Space Mountain, Astro Burgers at the
Tomorrowland Terrace and a lot of shuttered buildings on display.

Cultural sensitivity is also on display. I remember the embarrassing
'Indian Village' from the 60's and I paddled the 'War Canoes' around the Rivers
of America, before they were renamed the 'Explorer canoes'. On Splash Mountain
you will see all of the cartoon characters from the never-ever-ever-to-be-released-again
"Song of the South" movie, but not one mention of Uncle Remus.

I love Karen's grimace behind Kim.

But its not just the rides that have changed. On my recent day there
(November, 2015), I was happily astounded to see Female ride operators, even on
such traditionally 'Macho' rides as the Jungle Cruise and Pirates. And in
general, the whole Gender Equality thing has really taken hold at the park.

Beards and goatees on the male employees, benefits for same-sex domesticpartners, a rainbow flag mickey-shaped pin - this is not the same park I loved
as a child. But now I love it even more.

Customer Service

Rudeness and trash at other amusement parks were the two factors that
motivated Walt into making his own.

Litter is simply not present at Disneyland. I think its instantly vaporized
by translucent drones or something.

As for treating the customers, well, there are four places where I have
been

And I will return to those places precisely because I am so well treated
there.

An example from my recent trip to the Mouse House:

I left Admiral Karen, her sister Kim, and my 11 year old nephew Ryan at the
Jungle Cruise line and went to the Aventureland Bazaar (my only obstacle being
the 11,000 strollers forming a Great Wall of WTF).

Wearing my Father's pith
helmet. No other part of this
outfit is endorsed by my Dad.

I was looking for a pith helmet. Actually, to be honest, a replacement pith helmet. My father had
bought one here back 1970 and it was finally just about worn out.
But alas, the modern ones were too small for my enormous skull. I asked the two
clerks if there were any other sizes available. They glanced at each other and
said "store room" at the same time. The younger fellow then leaped
out the back door and I saw him running down a hallway.

Running.

Meanwhile the other guy turned on the happy chatter (a mixture of Holmesian
observation and careful listening). I was wearing a "Mickey 28" and
he asked me if I knew what the 28 meant. I said it was Buster Posey's number.
That got a chuckle out of him. But then I said it was the year Mickey debuted
on the silver screen.

"In?"

"Plane Crazy".

1987: Fantasyland with Biddy

He shook my hand. "And that sir, is why our pith helmets do not fit
you. You have too many brains."

The younger fellow then reappeared, out of breath, and told me that there
was only one size, and it fits "most".

The older one then smiled and shrugged. "Sorry, you are just not one
of the Most."

2002: Hangin' with Mr. Mouse

What is excellent Customer Service? The ability to tell the customer
"no" and have them want to return to your place of business.

Well done, Gentlemen: I'll be back.

Tips and Tricks

1.Download the app. Seriously. The Disneyland App showed us
real-time wait times for the rides, the location of the nearest bathroom
relative to where we were, where all the characters were going, nearby food
places, times and locations for the fireworks, and on and on. Quickly
indispensable.

2.Smart phone in general. D-land has the most interesting line queues in
the world, but you are still waiting in a line. Doing my Scrabble turns on my
iPhone made the wait go by in a breeze.

3.Good food is everywhere. (The best is at the Blue Bayou in New Orleans

The Monte Cristo sandwich from the Blue Bayou.
This is everything that civilization has pointed us
towards. (From Disneyparksblog.com)

Square, but you must make a reservation as soon as you enter the park.)

·I had an excellent lunch at the French Market (with
a live swing band): French Dip with crispy onions and lots of tangy horseradish
and a generous portion of handmade potato chips for $14.00

·Mid-afternoon snack was a churro in front of
Big Thunder Mountain. Not as good as the ones at a San Jose Giants baseball
game, but nothing is.

·Dinner was at the "Galactic Grill"
(A/K/A the Tomorrowland Terrace), where the burgers are still there, but now
available in 'dark' and 'light' versions, cuz its more Star Warsy that way. I
paid 12 bucks for a "First Order Specialty Burger" that had Me beef
with chorizo, fried cherry

"Served in a 'Han Solo in Carbonite' Lunch Box"

peppers and a spicy lime aioli. And a dark bun,
because its evil, EVIL! This was all kinds of spicy goodness and came with
fries. I washed that down with a 'light side' drink (Odwalla lemonade with
yogurt 'meteors') that included a small, plastic Millennium Falcon that lights
up a different color every time you press the button. So yeah, I paid 20 bucks
for a burger and fries dinner, but every part of it was above average and geeky
fun.

Yes, pentacle just above Mickey.
And I would venture, not the first time
that these two paths have crossed.

·Plus! We had drama in our short line at the Tomorrowland
Terrace Galactic Grill. Three people ahead of us some douchehat wanted to
buy 25 Chewbacca mugs, but he didn't want them full of soda. Just the mugs. Our
server, Carissa from Pico Rivera, did her best, but this item wasn't
technically on the menu. She graciously handed Douchehat over to her
Supervisor, who then got an earful from Douchehat about how terrible Carissa
had been. While she's standing there 6 feet away. (Meanwhile, back in our line,
another employee sidles up and makes sure we are doing okay with this bizarre
scene.) Supervisor then adroitly laterals Douchehat to the Manager, who
stone-facedly hacks the register programming and gets him every single

1981: Me and 'rents On Main Street. End of Day.

wookie
cup in the place (even though I'm sure they sell them at 6 different gift
kiosks throughout Tomorrowland). Douchehat then leaves, via a gauntlet of
snarky remarks from the rest of us in line. When it was my turn, I told Carissa
that she was the hero of our line and asked if is she allowed to accept tips.
She blushed a bit, smiled, and looked suddenly tired.

·So the quality of the food is uniformly
excellent, but everywhere we went we were also presented with healthy
alternatives. Doing Disneyland with two diabetics was a real, and pleasant, eye
opener.

4.Hidden mickeys are the BOMB. Every land, every ride, every gift
Hidden Mickeys are yet another layer of Imagineering throughout the
park that added great fun to our day.

2015: Karen, Ryan and Kim on Main Street.
End of Day.

shop, every churro stand has one or more "hidden mickeys" somewhere
on it. The subtle outline of big-round-circle-with-two-smaller-circles may be
in the handle, or woven into the paint job, or maybe its in the 'tree-topper'
up high. Once we started looking we found them in bunches of painted berries,
in the footprint of light poles, the shape of the planters in the parking
garage (!), in a rope on a dock, even in the sample bread bowl at lunch. Once
we found a couple we couldn't stop and we found ourselves scrutinizing leaf
clusters on live trees and staring intently at the fake snow patterns on the
Matterhorn.

Ryan, asleep on the escalator
going up to the parking garage.

More overlays

I could gush on and on about Disneyland, but this is already 3,300 words
long and I think you get the idea. So I will leave you now. I will be sitting
on my bench in New Orleans Square overlooking the Rivers of America, wearing a
silly hat, listening to a live band play Hot Jazz, and people watching.

There I go in a stroller, wearing mouse ears and looking confused and
sunburned. Here I come with a plastic sword, holding my sisters hand and
walking as fast as I can to keep up. Stepping off the Becky Thatcher raft is my
entire family looking confused (and amused). That blur is me and Richard
running by with our map, laughing and geeking out. More sedately my Father and
I are strolling along, eating Fritos, headed for the Carnation Plaza Gardens,
discussing the possibility that Peanuts Hucko may be sitting in with Bob Crosby
tonight. Admiral Karen and I are singing the "Yo Ho" song as we walk
quickly up to the Haunted Mansion. And my nephew Ryan and I just got off the
train and he's telling me all about our Solar System as walk along the
riverfront, with all the minute detail and enthusiasm that an 11 year old can
muster.

My face all these years? Its pretty much this face.

Thank you, Disneyland. You are a delight, you are a wonder, and you are
appreciated.

Angus McMahan

angusmcmahan@gmail.com

@AngusMcMahan

*Rechristened the "Jingle" Cruise for the
Holidays, and seeing wreaths on the elephants, a star on the
rhinos horn and ugly Christmas sweaters on all of the 'natives' is flat out hilarious.

Buy my DVD!

About Angus

angusmcmahan@gmail.com

(831) 431-0636

Angus is a carbon-based, bipedal, ape-descended life form who has evolved his thumb-laden hands into two specialties: Writing stuff, and whapping on things in a rhythmical manner.

The rest of his hairy arms are now good at swimming. His legs have been running and pedaling bicycles for decades. And his enormous cranium seems to be engaged mostly in getting sunburned, playing video games, and yelling at the Giants on his TV.