It wasn’t you, it was me

I held you in such high esteem, I believed in you and I believed in the power you gave me.

You promised, you delivered and I ran with it; sky-rocket confidence, social prowess, the ability to charm the world and on-tap happiness.

I fell hook, line and sinker for your promises and you kept me hanging on for more. I was addicted to you and never wanted to let you go. Every time we met you took a little piece of me but in return you gave me so much more.

Trouble in paradise

I was destroyed the first time you let me down; you didn’t make me happy on that occasion, you made me mad, you made me scream and you ate away at my self-esteem.

Still, I gave you the benefit of the doubt, we were too enmeshed to not, our lives irrevocably entwined, I would have been lost without you.

After this you started giving me mixed messages and began to renege your promises. I was fragile now, you’d taken parts of me I could never get back and you weren’t what I thought you were.

It was downhill from here, you stopped delivering, you no longer took away my pain, you never did, you just hid it for a while and now I was being crushed under the weight. I was falling and when I reached out you no longer pulled me up, you pushed me further down.

Seeing the light

You hadn’t changed, you were and always had been exactly the same, you sometimes looked different on the outside but you were made of the same stuff. How could something so uniform be so changeable. Then I realised, it wasn’t you, it was me.

You hadn’t promised me anything, you were but a liquid drug, how could you? I had placed all my expectations upon you. I expected you to help me relax, to take away my stress and to enhance my personality. My expectations created a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I expected to have an exhilarating night out it often happened; if I expected the evening to be drab and the company dull, having you by my side didn’t change that.

It wasn’t you, it was me

It was me, all me, I had the power all along, not you. I freely gave my power to you and stopped believing in myself. What a feeling to get this back and to know that all along the strength was within me. I sometimes wonder, if I had the chance to go back in time to the day I met you, whether I would turn you down and walk away.