The ‘F’ Word

It is three o’clock in the morning and you are still awake. Strange. Strange because you are a very sleepy girl, one who can sleep just about anywhere, and in the long twenty one years of your life, your bed has never been this stiff. Maybe it is just because you came from the salon earlier on in the day and the hairdresser was not as gentle as you would have liked her to be. But we both know that the reason you are still awake is far from insomnia, a stiff bed or even a visit to the hairdresser. You are looking for flaws somewhere you once believed was as perfect as can be.
He was perfect, or at least that is what you wanted to believe. The first day you set your eyes on him, you knew you had to have a piece of those well-toned muscles and a perfect jawline. Problem is, you did not realize at first that all you really wanted was the whole meal, not just a piece.

He was older, just perfect for you, after all, you were in your ‘sexy twenty-one ‘ . He was always there to listen to your far-fetched dreams of how you wanted to change Africa, be a voice to the voiceless. He never asked you how a mute could be a voice to others. He read through your weak lines that you called poetry and swore that he loved it, maybe he only did that because he realized that you stayed up late to weave those lines together. Perhaps, it would have been less painful if he had just spoken up.

You loved Ed Sheeran while he loved his music local, but he sat through your karaoke performances and even sang along, just to make you happy. Probably he was a little too perfect and you did not deserve it.

He was the kind of person to stay at home and read a George R. Martin book rather than attend a concert, you liked that. It showed that he was into deep stuff, but that did not stop you from dragging him to acoustic music concerts, although he did not even like it. He was everything you could ever ask for.

In the twenty-one years of your life, you had never met someone as good as he was. He understood that you sometimes threw tantrums like a two year old when you needed attention and attention he gave you. He was not like all those boys in your class who wore skinny, ripped jeans and all they could give was a glass of juice and ask for sex in exchange. He was a real man. A real man who knew what a sonnet was. 😂

You had promised to keep yourself for your husband, but when he came along, you gave up waiting . What was the point anyway, when you saw a husband in him? You gave it up to him and he sure made that moment special, just like you always wished. He was so sweet and gentle with you, you swore you saw butterflies and daisies. What more could a girl ask for?

You had dreams, of you two together. When you closed your eyes and thought of a future, it was him you saw, strange, because he never revealed to you what he saw when he closed his own eyes.

As juvenile as it may seem, you thought you were meant to be. You thought you will age alongside each other, but the script now reads different. Here you are now, unable to sleep and suddenly you can relate to all the lyrics on Post Malone’s ‘I fall apart ‘ .

Why did he not come with a warning? You wonder to yourself. Why was he that perfect? Why did he not just reveal his true self from the beginning? Perhaps if he did, you would have known that he would have left just like the rest.
Memories of how you used to star gaze together flash through your mind. You never really liked it because it meant staying up late and being bitten by mosquitoes, but for him, you would do anything.

Today, you are up at three o’clock, perfect time for a talk about nothing at the rooftop and gazing at stars, only that this time you are alone and even if both of you were to look at the sky, he wouldn’t see the stars, and neither would you.
He left, just like the rest, but unlike the rest of them, he left you with a void that not even a make-over, endless bars of chocolate or an analogy of sad poems could fill. You’re still wondering what you did wrong, but maybe he just wasn’t the one, afterall, it’s still ‘sexy twenty-one ‘ right?

You’re yearning to blame Disney movies for your pain. They made you believe in forever. There was a certainity about forever in your heart, unfortunately it didn’t last that long.

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