Last year, papers were full of stories about the Nuclear Performace Review (NPR) , but I thought they lacked critical details, so I wrote a FAQ.

1. Q. What is the NPR?

A. National Public Radio is a privately-run, federally-chartered collective of public radio stations intending to provide a broad array of cultural and political programming for America's listeners. An Fleischer's description of them as "a sickening, squirming rat's nest of bilious lesbians" was taken out of context.

2. Q. Why did they get the assignment to re-do our nation's nuclear policy; why not the Pentagon?

A. This administration believes strongly that the private sector works best without meddlesome interference from the government. Also, there was a mix up in the mail room.

3. Q. Why NPR? Why not Rush Limbaugh?

A. We called his house, but he just kept yelling "What?? What?? I can't hear you!" into the receiver. Howard Stern said he'd do it only if the female staffers were forced to disrobe. The military was OK with that, but the Los Alamos crowd turned out to be freaked out by any nudity whatsoever, so that was out.

4. Q. Does this mean that Garrison Keillor and Daniel Schorr have been given control over our nuclear policies?

A. Not at all. NPR's recommendations are just that - recommendations, which

the President and Secretary of Defense are free to adopt or ignore at their will.

Although they found the suggested sound track for Armageddon (from Fiona

Ritchie, host of "Thistle and Shamrock") to be particularly compelling.

5. Q. How can a bunch of talk jockeys know anything about the intricacies of nuclear strategy?

A. Three words: Click. And. Clack. If they can fix cars over the phone, they can do anything.

6. Q. Has the United States changed its nuclear targeting policies as a result of this review? Do we now target rogue states or China?

A. The NPR report is consistent with the current policy, doctrine, and strategy regarding the use of nuclear weapons. Consistent with existing practice, we will not comment on details of military planning or contingencies. We reiterate, however, that the United States does not target any country on a day-to-day basis. We have, however, added "Contemporary Adult Mix" and "Album Oriented Rock" to the list of weapons of mass destruction whose use may or may not result in nuclear retaliation.

7. Q. does the NPR no longer consider Russia to be any enemy of the United

States?

A. It never did. Daniel Schorr would never do such a thing.

8. Q. Will the NPR review require any changes to U.S. force plans?

A. Navy pledge breaks will be longer; the Air Force ones will stay about the same. New incentives at the $50,000,000 and $100,000,000 pledge levels - not available to China.

9. Q. Does the NPR call for a resumption of U.S. Nuclear testing, or the development of new low-yield nuclear weapons?

A. Not exactly. There is a recommendation that Howard Stern "be given a taste of nuclear mouthwash," but that is clearly a reference to an already-developed, full-scale weapon, not one in need of testing.

10. Q. Explain about the Muppets again.

A Muppets are from Sesame Street, which is broadcast on Public Television, not

NPR, even though both fall under the direction of the Corporation for Public

Broadcasting. As such, the Muppets' role in the review was peripheral, at best.

11. Q. I heard Big Bird did the Air Force sections.

A. Well, that's just wrong. If you must know, it was Snuffleupagus, and all he did was provide some technical edits based on his previous work in the Stealth Program.

12. Q. What's with these rumors about Letterman taking over for Cheney?