Soldier Field: The soft sell

September 05, 2003

The Chicago Park District wants to show off its shiny, renovated Soldier Field, but park bigwigs realize that the odd-looking facility has an image problem. So they've dreamed up an event -- giant screens showing Hitchcock films like "Psycho" -- to help draw a crowd that doesn't care much about offense, defense or special teams. It's a good start, but the Tempo Subcommittee on Making a Silk Seat Cushion Out of a Sow's Ear has more ideas:

- The bulldozers that tore through the old Soldier Field vs. the bulldozers that played tic-tac-toe on Meigs Field will face off in a Monster Bulldozer Showdown.

- The ubiquitous "Queer Eye" Fab Five will give a group makeover to the Chicago City Council -- with Dorothy Tillman and Burton Natarus in a grand finale on the 50-yard line.

- To win the hearts and minds of plumbers, Soldier Field will host Toilet Bowl Day, where all the stadium's fancy new facilities will be flushed at the same time. (A film by Ken Burns on the lost legacy of the men's room troughs will also be shown.)

- During an Aviation Festival, small aircraft will land on the football field. And in a bid to rebuild relations with disgruntled pilots, Mayor Daley will skydive from a turboprop.

- At UFO Night, fans will chant rhythmically in an effort to lure an alien spaceship -- a mate for the new stadium.

- Taste of Soldier Field: An entire weekend devoted to exploring the culinary delights of the stadium's touted "350 concession points of sale."

- Ravinia on the Lake: The music festival's shushers will get a workout quieting the masses who will spread across the stadium's lawn with blankets, candles and chardonnay to vaguely hear occasional strands of music filter back to them (not unlike Highland Park's version, really).

- The Colonnade Climb, luring mountaineers from across the Midwest who will scale the towering columns, inspiring people to exclaim: "So that's why they kept those darn things."

- Borrowing the genius of McDonald's new slogan, all Chicago residents get a big oval pin that reads: "The New Soldier Field: I'm Lovin' It."