(The battery for my laptop is about a month out of warranty, but it is getting REALLY hot. I call Laptop Manufacturer, say the magic word, ‘burning,’ and am promised that an exception will be allowed. All I have to do was give an exception number to any Laptop Manufacturer retailer to get a new one.)

Me: “Hi, I need a replacement battery for my [Laptop].”

Worker:*in a bored voice* “I need to see the computer to run diagnostics to make sure it’s actually an issue with the battery.”

Me: “Actually, I have an exception.”

Worker:*basically repeats what he just said*

(This goes back and forth for a while, with him insisting he needs to see the computer and not believing I have an exception.)

Me: “Look. You don’t need to see my computer. You do need to look up this number, which will prove what I’ve told you multiple times now.”

(I recently left a small computer shop I was working at to work for myself. On the last day of work, I gave my manager a gift, a small electronic noise maker that can be set to various volumes, timers, and sounds. About a month after my departure, my coworker sends me a message.)

Coworker: “You b****! [Manager] just came clean with that stupid noise maker!”

Me: “Whoops. I’m surprised it took this long. I thought you would have put it together that on my last day there you were hearing noises.”

Coworker: “I might have, except it kept going, and he moved it around and had it set to go off randomly, even when he wasn’t here!”

(We’re looking for a new digital camera. I find one I like and go to reserve it.)

Salesperson: There is a deal today: when you buy this camera you can buy this 8 gigabyte memory card for only £14.99.

Me: “No, thanks.”

Salesperson:*a bit rudely* “You have to buy a memory card, or it won’t work.”

Me: “Really, that’s okay, thank you. I know what I’m doing.”

Salesperson: “How about you buy it and if you don’t like it you can return it?”

Girlfriend: “Maybe we should buy it then, if we need it anyway?”

Me: “Trust me; we don’t want that one.”

Salesperson: “Suit yourself, then!”

(The camera turns up just a few days later. When I go to collect it I see the same salesperson standing there. She motions her colleague, as if to ‘show off’ what she is going to do next.)

Salesperson: “I remember you.” *hands me the camera* “It’s still not going to work if you don’t put a memory card in it.” *I can hear her coworker laughing at this point*

Me: “Yeah. You see…” *I open the box* “I do know a little about cameras. and this…” *I pull a SDHC card out of my pocket* “…is not only double the size, not only two models faster, but it was also £5 cheaper than the one you tried to bully us into buying.”

(The salesperson stood there for a few moments, with an open mouth, then rushed our transaction through in complete silence. When I got it home the memory card worked brilliantly, and it turned out the camera had an internal memory that wasn’t listed, meaning that she was completely lying about it needing a card in the first place.)

(I order an apparently great half-price laptop from a nationwide PC company, after [Assistant #1] assures me they have lots in stock. She says she’ll ring me in two weeks when it arrives).

Me: “Hi. It’s [Name]. I ordered a [model] laptop a couple of weeks ago, but I haven’t gotten a call yet. Could you tell me if it’s arrived, please?”

Assistant #1: “Ah, no. It’s not in yet. According to the system, it’ll be four more days.”

(One week later, I ring again.)

Assistant #2: “There’s been some delays with the deliveries, so unfortunately it won’t be here for another month.”

(One month later, I’m feeling pretty fed up and I’m contemplating cancelling. I get a call from the shop.)

Assistant #1: “Hi. I’m ringing about your [model] laptop. It seems that we don’t actually have any available in stock anymore in any of our shops. We can give a full refund, though, and I’ll personally give you a 20% discount if you buy another laptop with us before the Windows 8 launch next week.”

(I go into the store, and look at a few laptops on display.)

Me: “Do you have this model available in store right now?”

Assistant #2: “No, but I can order it for you! It would only be a couple of weeks until delivery.”