Do you ever wish that sometimes you could just write a long list to your spouse of all the things he does that drive you insane?? I have done this. Yes, miss marriage advice lady. But there have been nights when I have been so freakin’ mad and hurt where I sit on my bed crying and thinking to myself, “How could he act like that?! Doesn’t he think of me at all??” And then, after looking through my list, I begin to realize that sometimes I struggle with #3, too. And he probably thinks that I do #5 a lot. And then I begin to realize that if he wanted to, my husband could write an entire list himself of things I do that drive him nuts. And we could exchange lists… and then what? I realized that a lot of the problems in my marriage weren’t actually my husband’s fault at all. Sometimes they were. But a lot of the time, I was just as guilty as him for a lot of things I had on his list. So I crumpled up the list and thew it away. I wrote my own list of things that I knew I needed to work on in my own life. A couple years later, here is a list of some of the worst marriage habits, and what to do instead.

But first….

To the wives (or husbands) who need to hear these tips most, these are some things I’d firstly like you to know:

I am not condemning you. Please please please know that at one point or another in my marriage, I needed to hear just about every single one of these tips!

Not everything in this post is going to be easy to hear, you might not even like some of it. But who ever said that fixing and/or improving a marriage was going to be easy? I know, marriage would be a lot less hard if we could just tell our spouse everything he/she is doing wrong and get them to fix it. But the hard truth is, sometimes they’re not the problem. Sometimes the problem rests with us.

Why should you listen to these tips, anyway? Hey don’t take my word for it! Be an observer. Look at the marriages around you and think about the ones who follow tips like these and those who don’t. I think you might begin to notice a difference.

1 Complaining to your friends

This point is number 1 for a big reason, guys. Believe me when I say that I know the feeling of just needing to complain to someone! I mean, some things are just really hard to bring up to your spouse but you feel as though you will have a mental breakdown if someone doesn’t know what you’re dealing with. I get it. But being totally real here, complaining about your husband to others is one of the worst things you can do for your relationship with him. Having a friend who will actually fight for your marriage is hard to find. What (sadly) too many friends will do is blindly side with us because 1. they don’t want to hurt our feelings and tell us if we’re overreacting or 2. they’re biased (probably why we went to them in the first place, and 3. it’s not their marriage. It honestly doesn’t really affect them if you have a healthy one or not, other than maybe having to listen to more future complaints. I have seen so many well meaning friends give awful, extremely selfish advice to their married friends. Be so very careful.

*JUST AS IMPORTANT*

I’d like us to take a moment, grab your husband’s loafers, and take a walk in them. Imagine a scene where he met up with one of his buds for coffee (or to workout? Whatever he does). They spend the first few minutes of the hangout chatting about life and then his pal asks how you (miss wifey) are doing. He says you’re fine and then begins to open up about how you nagged him earlier or how he doesn’t feel appreciated for all his hard work and how sometimes you can just be plain mean.

Now, do our husbands do that? I’m going to say no. Anything past “What’d you have for lunch today?” Is probably veering towards too personal for them. We as women, though, could probably open up to the cashier at Wal-Mart without thinking twice. Sometimes we just need to be heard. We find it way easier to express our feelings, complaints, and fears to our peers. And yeah, this can be a great thing but that can also be hugely detrimental to the moral of our spouse if we use it to complain about him to our pals (or family).

Next time you feel the urge to complain about your spouse to a friend or family member, think about how it would make him feel if he accidentally overheard you. This simple thought has saved me from many would-be regretful complaints!

2 Laying in bed on the phone

I’ll be the first one to say that this is something that Josh and I have done a lot. Honestly, it’s just our go-to thing to relax and wind down before we hit the hay. But. I can’t help thinking about the moments lying in bed spent not talking, not thinking about each other, scrolling through Facebook, Pinterest, what have you, and letting the moments slip by where we could have been talking about our future, our past, our son, praying together, or just cuddling and laughing! (You know, the way you thought going to bed together would be like before you started living together). It might sound cheesy but just think of all the special moments that are lost in the few minutes between getting in bed and falling asleep.

Instead- Josh and I have made a rule that phone time needs to be done by the time we’re both in in bed. If he’s waiting for my in bed because I’m putting 200 lotions on my face, then fine, scroll through Twitter. But once I’m in bed, you better be cuddling. Give it a try and see if you don’t regret it 🙂

3 Knowing your spouse too well

Ever say something like, “Husband, can you fix the running toilet, paleeaaase???” and get a response like “Um… yeah, ok! I’ll do that tomorrow!” And you think,”Um, no. No, you will not. You will forget I even asked you in T minus 2 minutes.” and then you respond out loud pretty much the same way.

But again, let’s take a walk in those Johnston & Murphey’s and pretend this was us. Actually, I don’t have to. Do you have a chore that you HATE doing? Mine is laundry. Our pile of clean laundry that has yet to be folded is the bane of my existence. More than once (probably about twenty-three hundred times to be exact) I’ve told Josh, “Sorry for this huge pile of laundry, I’m going to try and tackle it today.” He looks and me, bites his lower lip, looks sideways and says, “K.” And I KNOW he thinks I won’t do it! He’s right, anyway. I won’t. But he’s learned by now that if he says what he’s really thinking, like, “Chels. Let’s be real, that pile of laundry isn’t going anywhere.” I would probably have a fit and start explaining to him all the other things I have to do in a day and bla bla bla.The point is, give your hubs the chance to do what he says he’s going to do and even if you think he won’t. Have a heart-to-heart with him if you need to. Just remember to give him the benefit of the doubt and be forgiving. We all need to be cut some slack here or there!

4 Resenting sex

I never felt this more strongly than when our son was under a year old, and I’m sure it’ll come up again. As a mom, I got so tired of feeling so needed all the freaking time! My baby needs me, my work needs me, my friends need me, and my husband too? Can you just go play for a little while and let me do what I need to do?? Sex began to feel like another empty box on the to do list rather than a release and time of intimacy that I got to spend with my husband and partner in life.

If you’re feeling as though sex is another chore on the to-do list, try to communicate with your husband that you want to have this intimate time with him, you might just need some time to mentally prepare. And hey, there’s no harm in scheduling sex, either (as long as you still allow for some spontaneity and initiate it yourself now and then!). They say that your biggest sex organ is your brain. Try to sort out all the things that are distracting you from being alone with your husband- body and mind- so that you are able to be all there during the times you can be intimate together.

5 Having friends of the opposite sex

I’m going to lay down the tough love on this one. The only friend of the opposite sex that a married person needs is their spouse. Yeah, you have coworkers, acquaintances, and mutual friends, but not friends. If you need to confide in someone, let it be your spouse or a friend of the same gender. I know this might not be a popular one, but cutting out the possibility of jealousy, competition, and suspicion makes marriage a whole lot simpler for both you and your spouse.

EDIT**

I wanted to take a moment to clarify point #5. My point here is not that men and women can’t have any friends of the opposite sex. I’m friends with all of Josh’s friends. They text me to say hello, congratulations, happy birthday, etc. from time to time. The thing is, they’re mutual friends. I have male friends that Josh didn’t know before we started dating, but over the course of our relationship, he now knows them and is mutual friends with them. my friends are Josh’s friends and his friends are mine. We’re transparent about our friendships.

My point in writing this section was that I really believe there’s a problem when married women confide in men and married men confide in women, especially about their spouse. In those cases, we’re looking for a type of validation and appreciation that should be coming from our spouse and if there’s something we feel we can’t talk about with them, I would recommend that that person try to work hard on bridging that gap with their spouse, or talk to it with a friend or family member. Of course, not everything is black and white and of course there are special cases, etc. But in general, I believe that’s is the most healthy for husbands and wives to be best friends with each other. The end.

6 Not being happy to see your spouse when they come home (or when you come home).

Most of the time when this happens, we actually have no idea that it’s affecting our spouse negatively. When we or our spouse come home from work, our minds can be in 10,000 other places than our spouse and how their day went. Maybe they’ve been missing us all day but we still have the sound of a crying baby ringing in our ears. Or maybe we’re just really caught up in our own thing and we kind of just give a quick, “Hey” when they walk in the door and not much more than that.

Do this instead: When you or your spouse gets home, try your best to set aside what you were doing and/or thinking about to be in the moment with them for at least the first 10 minutes that you are together. That way they know that they were missed, you are happy to see them, and it makes a difference to you that they are home.

7 Always doing your own thing.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. SO many of us ladies can become loners- I’ll do my thing and you do your thing- cat wives after a while (no, it’s not a super power). By all means, be your own person, love your own hobbies, have your own preferences BUT do stuff with that man you married over there! I mean, you live together, you might as well do stuff together. Josh and I love to binge on Netflix shows. How I Met Your Mother, Friends, Dr. Who, anyone??? And then after the show, we talk about it, look up fan theories. We’re total geeks but hey it’s our thing! We also love working out together.

8 Forgetting to laugh

I usually try not to take myself too seriously. But sometimes if I’m busy with something and my husband is trying to have fun with me at the same time I can easily assume that he doesn’t know (or care) how much work it takes to keep our home nice, or whatever else I’m worrying about in that moment. Instead what I need to remember is that all he’s really trying to do is have fun with his best friend. He does appreciate how much I do and he’s not making light of that. Let’s be real, our husbands didn’t get married so they could have an in-house maid. They want a friend, a lover, a companion! Don’t forget to be your husband’s friend, live in the moment, and laugh together!

So, see anything that needs to be added to your own list? I’m still working on some of these myself, and my husband has a list of things that he’s working on too (not one that I wrote up for him, but things that he has come up with on his own because he also cares about our marriage just as much as I do). A funny thing happens when you realize your spouse actually cares about you and your marriage.

Anyway, remember guys, if you totally loved this post, share with your friends! Don’t forget to look me up on all of the socials as I LOVE to chat with you guys!

And lastly, got any bad marriage habits to add?? Share them in the comments below. Get the discussion going!Love you guys!

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Comments

These are all great tips! I found myself saying yes, yes, yes and also feeling guilty from time to time. Definitely things to continue to work on!

Respecting one another’s privacy is a huge thing for me. I like to be able to do my own thing without my husband constantly wanting to know what I am doing. I like to write in my journal and keep some thoughts to myself. And I respect his privacy, too. I don’t need to know every conversation he has with his friends, or what they’re up to when they’re out on a boys night, or even check his social media accounts. SO trust and privacy 🙂

My husband and I have had an agreement that we will never be alone with anyone of the opposite sex. It’s not appropriate, and making a point not to let it happen shows respect to one another.
I also make a point to never, ever dish about my husband to anyone, even my close family.
Great post! Some people won’t like what you said, but I agree with it. Marriage is tough and takes sacrifices. But it’s worth it!

Absolutely! I know some friends that are adamant that they can have make friends and their husband isn’t going to talk them silently. That just doesn’t work. I appreciate that he won’t go to lunch with female coworkers or be alone with another female. It’s not because I don’t trust him. It’s because we respect each other.

Great list and reminders for myself and my own marriage. I often forget to let things go and take life way too seriously, and I should remind myself of this little thing daily. And just overall communicating… I shouldn’t assume he can read my brain or knows what I’m trying to say. When in doubt, ask and you shall receive. At least it’ll go over much better than getting in a tizzy and assuming your partner is on the same page.

My biggest take away is to keep things between us and us alone. Don’t make my problems someone else’s and don’t throw by hubby under the bus. He deserves much more respect and love than that.

This is SUCH a good list!! I especially love your point about the phones- we find ourselves doing that too and I HATE it. I also think your point about opposite sex friends is s true- not worth it at all. We’ve already got the best guy friend we’ll ever need. Found myself shaking my head yes so much while reading. Great post!

The phone is a huge one for both of us. I’m usually on it for blogging reasons or to take pictures and he’s playing games. We’re making an effort to actually put them away for awhile each night, though.

We both have close friends of the opposite sex – some are friends from childhood – and he’s frequently out with them without me. It doesn’t bother me…but then again, I was older when we got married (first marriage for both of us) and we began as a long-distance relationship before spending 2 years in a commuter marriage where I was out of town Monday-Friday for work. If I couldn’t trust him to maintain appropriate boundaries, I wouldn’t have married him.

My husband and I are the same way. Our only policy when it comes to the opposite gender is if an acquaintance or friend is an ex or someone either of us feels has romantic feelings towards us, we aren’t alone with them ever. There are friends we both feel are siblings that don’t fit that, and we trust each other.

I love the other ones, and definitely have to remember them. Especially number 1 is something I have to focus on not doing.

I agree with all of these except #5, which I don’t TOTALLY agree with. I will totally admit that I would be uncomfortable with my husband meeting a female friend and spending time alone with her. But most of my friends before my husband and I met were guys. He would never expect me to give up those friends, just as I would never expect him to give up the female friends he knew before we met. The friends of opposite sexes we’ve met since being together are all mutual friends.

All I can say is you’re setting yourself up for sure disaster if this is how you think about about No. 5. Some way some where down the road a flirtatious word or act will happen and that one small Crack will become the downfall of your marriage. Coming from experience.

I agree! We each have 1 friend of the opposite sex from prior to our relationship. I am not going to isolate him or keep him under my thumb and likewise him to me. These 2 people have played a very important role in our lives (not sexually) and cutting them off would not respect their worth. That being said, new close friends of the opposite sex are a no-no. It is hugely disrespectful to meet and confide in a new man and that is not something I would ever jeopardize our relationship over.

Loved this.. It really made me reflect.. My X boyfriend smacked profusely , while not eating and silently talked to himself.
**SIGH .. I truly adored him but the other things on the laundry list made me question my sanity. Thank you for being so very sincere and honest..

I have been married over 31 years. We have been through major storms. I have read tons of material about how to get throughout troubled times…yadda…yadda…..I love these type of books. Having said that, I have never come across a condensed list that is TOTALLY on the mark. The only thing I might add is that no matter how bad of a childhood your spouse had…..no matter how bad his or her parents treated them……..sympathize but shut up. It is a strange thing but for some odd reason your spouse still loves his or her parents and to hear you put them down (even if you are right) does nothing but eventually hurt your relationship. Practice active listening and shut up…….unless in marriage counseling. Oh….and don’t be afraid of marriage counseling…..with the right one, it could save a lot of heartache. FANTASTIC POST!!! Right on the mark and very well said (even if it hurt). We all need to LISTEN…just not hear…these points.

We have been married eight years, this is not our first marriage. I have become little more than his eating partner. There doesn’t seem to be any relationship to this relationship, no intimacy. If there is a serious talk, it ends with a joke which negates the seriousness in my opinion. I feel like he over gifts things to me….he gives too many gifts, like he is compensating for what is lacking. I never can figure out what his true feelings are. He is not the person that I used to spend hours talking to on the phone before we were married. There is no affair going on, his morals are too high to even think of doing that. He did stop our date nights saying he didn’t like scheduling our private time. I just can’t figure this out.

My relationship is exactly like that too. It is awful. I’m am a maid, eating partner, prostitute and fishing buddy. No intimacy or talks of a serious nature. When I bring up marriage or our future, he changes the subject.

It sounds like your husband may have learned that gift giving is a way to show love–this is a valid love language and he may have picked up the habit from his own parents! If you receive love a different way, I think it would benefit you to tell him so.

BMT- you sound just like my hubby and me. But we love each other in a protective way- we are very rarely intimate- maybe 4 times a year. I blame it on fading hormones and lack of friends in common. We go places together- mostly shopping and to visit grandkids- Church, tv, Housework and yard work And jobs take up most of our time. I am bored but I don’t know what to do about it. He rarely talks to me except to agree or explain why he doesn’t agree. It is a sad life but it is safe since we are far from wealthy. I would love to have another man who would be a best friend ” with benefits” but none are available except one that I really like but he does not feel the same. I have even told hubby that he is welcome to have a mistress as long as he continues to stay with me and provide for my needs. This after 45 years of marriage..

Oh my Mary, Eat the right foods to bring you alls libido up, and do an exercise together like tennis, or small walks, ect. Just because you’ve been marriage for a long time do not mean you have to let the spark run out your marriage. Great sex will make a partner talk. And don’t forget a new hair cut and hair color.

I hate to be the one to bring this up, but I want to be honest. It sounds like your hubby has something pre-occupying his mind. I’m thinking a pornography habit, maybe? This sounds like addict behavior. Even guys with really high morals somehow get wrapped up in pornography. I may be wrong, but the signs are there. Good luck and take care ❤

Im in the same boat. My hubby shows absolutely no emotion. And so CALLOUS and sarcastic. Could care less about sex or any kind of emotional InteraCtion. Its so sad to be lonely in a maRriage. Not sure where to go from here.

right of the back you aRe comPlaining about what your husband doesn’t do for you. I have been maRRieD 18 years and been together 25 years. It is never prefect but i never exPected to be. By nature i’ve been doing all these ruleS from day one. If you aren’t getting what you need in your marriage let him know but best thing is to do it yourself. initiate your sex life, start Talking by ask him questions about his day, be the driving for of the marriage. The grass is not greener on the other side. Don’t wait for your spouse to bring the sprak back do it yourself. One thing i’ve Learned is men don’t need the same connection woman need so its up to us to remind our men the needs we are seeking. FoLlow these rules and things will change. The rule be happy to see him when he comes home is big!

Awesome post! I think a lot of people need to read this. I found myself afreeing with almost everything. The only part I personally don’t agree with is the friends of opposite genders, but thats just me. Even with my super, now ex, jealous husband, he understood my male and female friendships. Maybe because I have dates both men and women, I don’t know, either could be a threat. My now amazing husband was very aware of who I am and the friends I keep by my side and there has never been an issue. I love him for that. I realize not everyone can have this in their life. My ex couldn’t have female friends because he was a ho, lol, he cheated all the time. Thank you for posting this!

Oh my, these are dead on! I am guilty of some. I am been married almost 8 years & I know that it takes work. & that there are things that we may do that we do not realize are hurting our marriage. We have to keep our spouse number one! Under God of course. Thanks for posting.

All great advice but I just hope #5 does not apply to me and my relationship, or else I’m in trouble. I work in a male dominated industry, I play in male dominated sports, I think like a man, and all of my best pals are men or women who are similarly wired to be less interested in the things most women like to do – talkiing, shopping, having coffee, kids, whatever. If my spouse or any of the spouses of the friends with whom I identify and spend time with are jealous, competitve or suspicious, I’m in trouble. When we go out with couples, my hubby usually ends up locked into a chat with my female counterpart and me with his male counterpart. I know this isn’t the norm…maybe there is an exception to every rule?

I absolutely agree!!! I think there is a line, if things become sexual flirtations you need to reevaluate so I can see where she’s coming from with this article and obviously NEVER talking to any other guy would secure the lack of affair, but, I am just like you. I gravitate life towards men, I love sports, I joke like a guy, think like a guy, and guys are easier to be around. I do have a girly side but I find it hard to be around a lot of women in general. I dont generally confide in guys though, unless I’m asking advice from a true guys perspective.

Really lovely advice but I must admit I struggled with the one about not having friends of the opposite sex, my hubby and I have friends of all different genders and sexuality etc… And we never get jealous, I love seeing him look out for his female friends the way a real friend would, he’s been out at midnight before because his single female friends house was flooded and she felt like he was the one she could rely on to help her. And my hubby always encourages me to meet up with my male friends when they’re back in town knowing we will have a glass of wine and a good giggle. I truly believe that real friendships, the ones where you can dance together all night long or cry on their shoulder when times are tough are hard to come by, I would never find a friend like that and reject them because they were the same gender as my partner. I love that we have that trust in our own relationship, in each other and our love that those insecurities don’t ever occur. Obviously I totally understand if you have a partner who might feel insecure or jealous etc… Then you would try to ease that, but I couldn’t give up a real friend.

This is a well thought out list! Thank you!
I love reading marriage tips, even though I am single. I think avoiding these habits would have helped some of my relationships. I am saving this for when I am married! Thank you for sharing!

I completely agree with all your advise. Number 5 is a great one… I have male friends but they are my husbands friends also. No contact with them without my hubby in on it. From experience I know that a guy friend can turn from just a friend to trying to be something more!! I had a very close guy friend that I wld confid in and I would have never thought he would think of me as anything but a friend but that quickly changed and I found my self in a sticky situation! My husband and I lost a good friend because of it. And it threatened to come between our marriage! I still have guys that I am “friends” with but my hubby is always part of it… Double dates ect. Same goes for him and his female friends. I have been married 15 years and my one piece of advice would be don’t try and change them!! There will always be things that bug you but the same goes the other way. You married them and unless they hid the way they were, you knew them! Give and take where needed:)

I strongly disagree with not having friends of the opposite gender. If you (generally speaking, not you specifically) cannot or do not trust your spouse to not cheat or be tempted to cheat simply because they have opposite gendered friends, I’d have to question why you’re married to them in the first place. Same goes for feelings of jealousy and competition. And with those two, I’d not only question why you’re married to that person, but also whether you have the maturity to be married.

My husband and I both have friends of the opposite gender and it has never created conflict during our 6 year marriage. Why? TRUST. Additionally a high number of the male friends I do have are either 1. More than 15 years my senior 2. Married 3. In no way attractive to me or I to them. In my husband’s case, it’s pretty much the same thing.

MOST women cannot handle the types of attention given by any kind and caring man, i.e., friend, when there are communication problems in a marriage. I know several women who trusted their husbands all the way to the point of him cheating and vice versa! I was able have male friends without trouble because of three things. 1. My relationship with God was stronger than my relationship with anyone else. 2. I grew up in a family of nine kids, with six boys. I understood, loved and respected men very much. I’m not a femenist at all! 3. I helped him lovingly understand that I would take him for everything he ever dreamed of having, if he ever divorced me…taught him to respect me!! We will be married for 44 years this Fall, VERY happily for the last five years. Hard work and commitment to God and my marriage paid off and it was worth the wait!

It’s not a matter of trust. It’s a matter of respect for your spouse. You never know if the friends you are meeting may decide to have romantic notions about you, our you are possibly giving out the wrong impression. If you have a friend if the opposite gender, just don’t meet then alone. Take a group with you, include your spouse.I’ve known to many that were just friends and out ended up ruining their marriage. It really is good advice and it seems to be the one mist people fight against. How do people think affairs get started? They don’t plan on cheating. It happens because of contact, continued, and then they start confusing on each other and it turns flirtatious. You don’t mean for it to happen, but it does.

IF YOU ASKED ME 5 YEARS AGO, I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE SAID THE SAME THING. MY WIFE IS/WAS A CHRISTIAN WITH STRONG PRINCIPLES AND I TRUSTED HER FULLY. SHE STARTED PLAYING TENNIS AT A CLUB WHERE THERE ARE ONLY MEN. THEY ARE HER FRIENDS. SHE BEGAN AN AFFAIR WITH ONE OF THEM FOUR YEARS AGO. I DISCOVERED IT ABOUT A MONTH AGO. IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE.

I personally agree with #5 – mostly. While I believe friends of the opposite sex ARE okay, one should never allow themselves to be alone with them. You have a best male friend from before? Cool. Now he’s your husband’s friend too.
To the women that disagree, from experience I can promise you it’s NOT ok. My father has spent the past 20 years of his marriage having friends of the opposite sex. Phone calls, lunch dates here and there, etc. and he never lied to his wife (my stepmom) about these ‘friendly’ moments. What he has lied about, are the affairs with his ‘friends’.

Your father’s experience doesn’t mean it will be the same for others. I have spent time in the company of male friends alone and not once has either of us made a pass at the other. My husband has, no doubt, been alone with women and I can assure you he has no interest in making a move on them.

One person’s experience is no guarantee it will happen to another. I trust my own husband to be alone with women and he does the same with me. And both of us are borderline bloodhounds so if anything ever felt suspicious, neither would get away with it.

Wow, you are a wise gal. I completely agree with all of your points.
I agree with the opposite sex point. It is not a matter of trust really, I think of it as more of a respect thing. If I was out with a friend of the opposite sex and my hubby’s co-worker or something saw me…akward ! I try not to do anything that even has the “appearance” of evil.
I agree with the previous post, we are a unit and together, any male friend of mine is now – our friend.

A marriage mistake I have made ( and still struggle with frankly), is how he deals with and disciplines the kids. I get really critical of him. This has been the #1 cause of conflict in our marriage. We have had to talk about it and made some “house rules” for how we deal with the munchkins. He still gets frustrated with them, but he knows he made a mistake and usual apologizes to all involved if I keep my mouth shut;)

It’s because these experiences are so common that it’s not recommended. It’s not just one person’s experience. Keep those friends, but don’t be alone. I guarantee you that is how 99% of affairs start. And they also start with the denial that nothing will happen and they are just friends.

I agree with no friends of the opposite sex., being alone etc. It is human nature to see that person in a sexual non friendship way. It has nothing to do with trust, jealously and all that. When you spend 13 hours a day at work with someone things are gonna be said, offered and sometimes there is follow through (affair). To all those that say “I get along better with guys or all my friends are males” stop it. Give them the chance and they are gonna go for it.

I need to work on not taking things too seriously, and greeting him better when he gets home. I’m so tired by the times he comes home, my “Hey” is one of relief!

We make it a point to always know each other’s passwords for social media and email. He can look through my phone and I can go through his at any time (not that we’ve ever needed to unless we lost a text). He’s promised not to push clean laundry off the bed, and I have tried to keep it off his side (as he reminds me, it isn’t a shelf!).

Thank you for these great tips! I agree with so many of them, especially the first 10 minutes when both are home. It is so easy to start with the to-do list before he had a chance to lock the door behind him. And forgetting to laugh! We really need more laughter..

Do not make the mistake of thinking that marriage is 50/50 because it isn’t, it’s 100/100. If you’re giving all you should, focusing on your mate, rather than self, you won’t be focused on how much of his/her percentage they’re giving.

Has everyone read Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs? Some of THE best marriage advice out there, much along these lines, about growing your marriage by serving your spouse. This doesn’t mean you become a doormat, it’s actually very liberating.

Your blog is fabulous! I wish I’d known all you do about marriage when I was your age.

Beautiful and insightful. As my husband and I work together toward our 35th anniversary, I applaud you for your wisdom. Your blog is simple, straight forward yet very deep. I wish I ‘d learn those things earlier in our marriage, but, thankfully we did. Laughing, working together, heartfelt affection and seeing things from the others’ perspective have been some of the key reasons we are so happy together today. My husband recently made a sign to hang in our home (wood-working is a hobby we enjoy together), that says “nobody does ‘I do’ like we do.”

Congratulations Chelsey on the legacy that you are building with Josh.

I’ve been married 21 years & that makes me sound so old but I still feel so young. Anyway our biggest problem after 21 years & 5 kids (we got twins the last time & no we didn’t plan on having 5 just 4. Lol. But they are a huge blessing & I can’t imagine life without them!) is the same problem we had within the first year of marriage. Getting too comfortable with one another & no longer dating each other. I think you should always still maintain a sense of hygiene so to speak throughout a marriage. It’s mostly my issue with him but my dad never passed gas nor did my step dad. Or at least not out loud or in our company. My hubs on the other hand was raised with his dad who passed it as freely as the wind & whenever & wherever he felt the urge. So of course my hubs grew up thinking this was normal. However, he didn’t do this around me until about a year after marriage. I guess the new had worn off enough. Burping doesn’t bother me unless you purposefully burp in an obnoxious manner in public. And my hubs doesn’t do it with any sound in public. He knows I would never be seen with him if he did that! But we have been at the store & he would say don’t stop just keep going. I would need to stop because I saw an item I needed but then I would get a whif & bolt from that area in embarrassment. He’s learned if he is having tummy issues he can’t hold in public then he needs to go walk outside & away from me! But at home it’s all the time. And he could care less when he lets the rip. Granted he now has to use a cpap machine due to sleep apnea & any excess air does go into his stomach. So he passes gas now in his sleep. I don’t hold that against him. And when he wakes in the morning he has to burp several times as well. But when he’s awake, about to get out of bed but is just laying there scrolling thru Facebook & just starts thrusting them out it honestly makes me fighting mad! I’ve begged, threatened & basically given up. But he knows & ive told him that it’s a massive turn off. Please act like we are dating & at least leave the room to do it. Or pass it silently. He claims he can’t control if they are noisy are not. He’s 42 not 82! And I know he’s always been 100% faithful. He works a full time job & a part time job. We live in a small town where if you get a new hair do everyone knows that day. He’s a good man, a wonderful husband otherwise & I couldn’t ask him to be a better daddy to our children. But he stays so tired that he doesn’t seem to mind if we go awhile without doing what married couples do. And I’ve tried everything in the book even trying to pass gas myself just so he could see how unattractive it is. Well I can’t pass gas at will like he can & with his selective hearing he never heard the ones I managed to pass. If I was lucky enough that it smelled bad too he didn’t even smell it. I think his are so bad it’s singed his sniffer. Lol. I don’t mean to complain & I guess if that’s all we have wrong that’s not too bad. And it could be a lot worse so I’m thankful it’s just this. But if anyone has any suggestions I’m all ears. And I’ve tried over the counter anti gas meds for him but they didn’t seem to help. Anyway thanks for the article. It’s a good read!

Nikki,
I too, had this problem early on in our marriage (after the first year). I felt like it showed a real lack of respect toward me. As you mentioned, passing gas can be controlled at work, with company, etc., so why not with me? I sat down with my husband when I wasn’t angry about it, and told him that I really felt disrespected and also that it was a real turn off. He changed! It really doesn’t happen unless I am out of the room now. It is funny sometimes, I get up in the morning and head out to the kitchen and the moment I leave the room I can hear those sounds, but he respected me enough to wait. Maybe you should show him your post – hope it helps and I hope he comes around.

I agree except for the friend bit. My husband and I have been together for 22 years, married for 17. He was in a fraternity and has a ton of very close friends, at this point, they are truly like my brothers too. I call them to schedule get togethers for him, many don’t even include me. They sleep over when they are in town. It’s great to have extended family. Basically, if you have to worry about your husbands honesty and commitment, and you don’t trust them, you got other problems. And it is good to blow off steam occasionally, just don’t share deeply personal info, remember you will forgive your spouse after an argument, your sister/best friend won’t. I do need to nix screen time at bed time. I just love to read 🙂

I love this list! It’s such a true list and a great perspective. My husband and I need to work on number 2. We’re guilty of coming to bed and laying there on our cell phones. He’ll usually be checking social media and I’ll be reviewing the day or browsing Pinterest. I had to laugh when you mentioned the IDEAL of marriage. My ideal of our nights together was much different than the reality is!

How did you approach your husband to let him know that you want to ban phones during bedtime togetherness? I’ve mentioned it in the past, but it didn’t change our bedtime routine.

You have the wisdom of someone who has lived a LOT longer than you have! You are a talented writer, and this post hit me like a bolt of lightening! I wish someone had gone over these points 31 years ago when hubby and I said, ‘I do!.’ Number 5 is what almost tore our marriage apart more than once. Having an affair doesn’t have to be physical. Talking excessively to a person of the opposite sex is cheating, plain and simple. Many men, however, don’t necessarily think this is true (sadly). I’ve learned a lot about the male ego, but mainly I’ve learned a lot about my husband and what makes him tick. We’re committed to make things work, but it’s not always easy. Our grown kids help keep us connected, and hopefully we’ll get over this bump in the road. Please keep writing about relationships…it is so encouraging!

Love this list! It’s SO hard to remember to cherish your husband/marriage. My husband and i have been together for 4 years and we have a one year old. We only recently started trying to schedule in romance! We made up a new rule that every time we pass each other, we kiss! Even when we’re just walking to the bathroom. It takes absolutely no time out of our day, but it has completely changed our marriage!! And even lead to a few mid day make out sessions! Lol! 😉

Also, i totally agree with not talking bad about your husband to friends, but keeping it in seems to always make me more frustrated with my husband! My grandmother used to say that she knew when someones relationship was in trouble when they stopped complaining about their husbands! Lol! I think it’s healthy to complain to family (aunts, sisters, mothers) in an environment where you won’t be overheard by your husband/children. A conversation as simple as, “Oh my gosh, John never takes his sweaty clothes out of his gym bag! It’s SO gross!” / “I know! Brad does the same thing! What is that about?!” Can keep your frustration in check. Next time you see the gross clothes in the gym bag you’ll think about the conversation and laugh about it vs blowing your top and yelling at your husband for not being about to put his damn clothes in the hamper! Lol, just an idea! I think family is far more reliable and trustworthy (in terms of martial complaining) than even the best of friends!

I knew before scrolling to look at the comments that a lot of people would disagree with #5. The way I see it, is yes my friends and our friendships are important but the most important relationship is with my significant other therefore they come first and their trust and feeling of safety in the relationship comes first. I totally, completely agree #5 and I think it is unwise to have close friends of the opposite sex. If you are married then why would you want to be alone with someone of the opposite sex, like what possible reason would there be for that? I’ve been on the other side of things and had good guy friends distance themselves from me once they got into a committed relationship and it did hurt a little but because they were my friend then I tried to be understanding. I think they did what was best for their relationship.

It’s because these experiences are so common that it’s not recommended. It’s not just one person’s experience. Keep those friends, but don’t be alone. I guarantee you that is how 99% of affairs start. And they also start with the denial that nothing will happen and they are just friends.

Actually, it’s just the opposite if that. It’s not a matter of trust. It’s respect for your spouse. It’s also being mature enough to give all to your spouse, not immature to think your friends are more important. Also it’s being marie enough to know not to give appearances if cheating you those that may see you. And being mature enough fyi admit affairs ask start this way. I trust my husband completely. He respects me enough to not even go to lunch with female cowirkers and I reciprocate.

I have to giggle at number 5… being in a same-sex relationship this just seems funny. Imagine if my partner were bi! No friends for her 😉 Giggles aside, I can see that this could be a useful rule for certain people. For me, trust issues in relationships have been a function of mismatched communication styles rather than the sex of a friend. Even though I don’t agree on all of them, fun list to read! Thanks for posting 🙂

I LOVED these tips! These were things I struggled with before my husband went to boot camp for the Air Force. The two excruciating months of almost no contact left me with A LOT of reflecting and repenting. I literally wrote him a six page apology for all my flaws and now that we see one another on the weekends (training school takes up his week) I see the differences in our relationship and the amazing changes that happened once I cleaned up my act. He too had time to reflect and is working on his issues and honestly we’ve never been happier 🙂

Jamie, that’s so awesome that both of you have been able to be reflective and see where you both can improve on yourselves and in your relationship. That’s a rare skill to have. Always look for ways in which you can improve! Thanks for the encouraging comment!

Yes Kacy! That’s great advice. Sticking to a firm budget that you both agree upon is a great way to avoid fights in the future, because even if one of you wants to break the budget, you can at least point to what you firmly agreed upon.

I truly found this article to be very helpful. I live in my own head sometime with my own thoughts. I will be trying to communicate with my hubby more. The friend thing is not a challenge in our relationship seem we are each other’s best friends.
My biggest challenge aside from the one mentioned is the stress of being a stay at home mom with another on the Way. I feel that is what my biggest challenge is. I’m going to work on ways to help with that. Thank you for the great advice

I’m sure that’s really stressful! Yes, sometimes I forget that my husband can’t read my mind and he has no idea that certain things upset me. It really is an acquired skill to learn how to openly communicate before we get frustrated.

Reading through the comments on a post such as this is always interesting – I like seeing the different perspectives people have. For #5, try thinking of it this way: none of your other relationships should make the one you married feel jealous, etc. It’s YOUR (generally) job to make sure your spouse doesn’t feel insecure, and if it’s something you’re doing or friends you have, then you both need to discuss some ground rules. For most couples, that means no friends of the opposite sex, and for those, I agree with it. Some can have close friends of a different gender, like my fiance & I. Aside from each other, we each have a best friend of the other gender – mine is a guy I’ve known for almost 20 years, his is a girl he’s known for around 5 or 6 years. We’ve hit the sweet spot of being able to have good friends without worrying about whether they’re male or female AND being entirely secure within each other.

We also don’t intentionally make each other jealous. We remind our loved ones we love them, and do our best to do so in their love language. If that were missing, I think #5 would ring true for us.

Wonderful article!

Some things I would add:
1. As someone else mentioned, say please & thank you! I’d like to take it a step further & say BE COURTEOUS!!! Asking him to watch his own kids isn’t demeaning, nor is it acting as if those kids aren’t his. It’s called using your manners. Granted, it’s not really something he can say no to without good reason, but still – ASK. Courtesy is VERY IMPORTANT with your life long mate.

2. If money is something you argue/fight about often, create a budget both can agree upon – then stick to it.

3. Do surprises, not secrets. I stumbled on this one as a way to protect children from possible bad situations, but I think it’d work well within a marriage too. Obviously, there are some things you keep to yourself (different things for different people, such as period, gas issues, or whathaveyou), but don’t intentionally keep something from your husband/wife – unless you plan on surprising them with it later.

Wow, this article is completely on point. i feel like this article was written for me as I have seen each of these bad habits play out. While I know I am far from perfect, I wish I could share this with my wife to work on. I dont think it is possible as she will only see it as accusation and blame. Personally, I have been talked about, cheated on due to her having “guy” friends at work, late night social media, etc. I see her actions as completely selfish and wrong, yet I still love this woman and know I always will. After 17 years of marriage and 4 amazing kids something just went hay wire in her head. Call it a midlife crisis, a selfish phase, whatever it was it has torn me apart. After finally packing up the car to leave for seperation last week, she decided to give it one more shot and we are trying. i feel that i am the one trying and unfortunately you cant make the other person change. I wish it was possible to share this article with her and both work to fix these habits as they would save my marriage. They are all so true.

I agree with all of these except number 5. Me and my husband both have friends of the opposite sex, we have an open relationship and have threesomes with other lady’s and our relationship is awesome we rarely ever fight or argue. We are very happy 🙂

I think the point about not spending time alone with members of the opposite sex is a good one. When I was still with my ex, I didn’t have a problem with him befriending other girls and spending time with them. He managed a bar and became friends with a lot of the bartenders (girls and guys) which never bothered me because I also befriended guys that I worked with and never had any sort of romantic feelings towards them.
The thing that crossed the line, was when he started driving the girls home late at night and staying at their homes for long periods of time to talk and drink. One time he even drove a girl home and stayed to watch a movie. It was ridiculous. He started texting the girls constantly, even when I was in the room, and he would ignore me to respond to texts. I would confront him about it, and he would say I had no reason to be jealous, “they’re just friends.” He didn’t realize that this sort of behavior might make the girls think he was interested in them.
Needless to say, this behavior ended our relationship, and I can’t help but feel like I gave him too much freedom to begin with and that we should have set boundaries earlier in our relationship.

PS. He’s now dating one of the girls that he was constantly talking to while we were together. It hurts, but it also is nice to know I wasn’t crazy the whole time.

I think it’s an archaic and outdated belief that men and women can’t be friends. My best friend is a man-who is also married. I have always gotten along better with men and my generally twisted and dark sense of humor combined with my brutal honesty doesn’t always go over well with female friendships. My husband is also friends with him, and I’m friends with his wife and we do sometimes hang out the 4 of us or also in groups with other people. I think that’s why it works. When I need a guy’s perspective on something my husband is doing that drives me crazy, he’s my go to person. I can’t tell you how many times he’s helped bring me down from the ledge so to speak and helped me approach my husband with a more rational and level head. Yes, my husband is still my number one guy and I do have other friends I’m close with that are female. My husband trusts me completely and has no reason not to, he can read my text conversations at any time but he’s never had to. I should also note, I am bi and if infidelity and trust issues are the reason not to have friends with someone because you may cheat, I wouldn’t be able to have any friends at all.

I’ve been married for a little more than a year and even though I’m still a young new wife, there were some points that you really hit it on the nail for me. I love my husband to the fullest and after reading some of these, I just had to sit back and really analyze what I was doing in my marriage. I’m glad I came across your post and knowing some of these I’m willing to break those habits and make my marriage stronger. Thanks again for this post!

This is a great piece, and I agree with almost all of it, aside from only having friends of the same sex.

I grew up in a quiet area with 4 male cousins living in the next house and a brother in the next room, I also spent a lot of time with my dad and my grandad over time with female members of my family (aside from my mum) due to distance and work schedules. Most of the good friends I have left over from my schooldays are guys, and I tend to have a better sense of humour match with men at the office than I do with women. If I was only allowed to be friends with other women, I’d be very limited to who I could spend time with, as I find it harder to bond with women due to my upbringing. Additionally, it’s important as a woman with a career to be able to get along with men, as the sad truth is that in most organisations they are still the ones pulling the strings. To pretend they don’t exist is to sacrifice your advancement in the work place, and a little piece of your own worth along with it.

Instead, perhaps it would be better if there were limitations on the amount of time spent with the opposite sex in a social setting, and how that time is spent. For example, my boyfriend had an ex that still tried to hustle him into spending time with her – I respectfully asked that he not see her due to her being an ex, and also due to her not wanting to acknowledge my existence whenever he mentioned me. He’s fine with that and we’ve both moved forward without her involvement in our lives. Same goes for anyone that has made a move on either partner, or expressed feelings beyond friendship. While I don’t think it’s a good idea for members of the opposite sex to spend a huge amount of time together if a) either are in a relationship with someone else and b) they are both straight, especially in date type settings (dinner, movies, anything with mood lighting) I think there are situations where it shouldn’t be an issue. If they’ve been friends for a long time, for example, or if they have a working relationship that is close in the office, but doesn’t extend past work hours.

To cut out all contact with the opposite sex shows an inherent lack of trust in one another, and sets so many limitations out in the real world. Which is just sad, and a sign of a much bigger problem than mild jealousy…

Thank you for writing this wise and insightful list. It’s not often that you find a blog post with fresh and unique tips. It brought a lot to my attention.

One thing that has really turned things around in my marriage is to discuss expectations. I was resenting my husband because I thought he wanted gourmet meals each evening. I would spend hours making them. Turns out he was happier with taco night because it was cheaper, faster and cleaner. What a relief!
Discuss roles and expectations from the start. What is most important to each of you?

Great marriage post. There was some excellent tips here. I agree married people should only talk to one another about their problems and not to anyone else. Also communicating in the bedroom instead of being on the phone is excellent advice.

I’m going to jump on the “I don’t entirely agree with #5” bandwagon. Hubs had childhood friends, but I know them, have met them, and most of them are married. (The opposite about my male friends isn’t true, but that’s because we live two countries away from where I grew up! He does know all the male friends I made in this country before starting a relationship with him.) But I think that goes along with our privacy agreement. He has the password to my computer, and I have the passcode to his phone. If he wants to get on my computer and read my e-mails and messages, he can. If I want to read his Whatsapp conversations or check his phone call list, I can. But, quite frankly, when I can send him a super-sweet message anonymously and he replies directly to my phone number, I see no reason to be worried. And on my end, I *chose* him. I didn’t choose any of my other male friends, just him. So, if he wasn’t what I wanted, I shouldn’t have done that. I’m not saying he’s perfect or he doesn’t annoy me sometimes, but it’s all a part of growing up and being mature and responsible adults.

As for the rest of them, I agree wholeheartedly. His job has him away from home for long periods of time; so I do have a lot of “do things alone” time, but when he’s home, that’s “us” time. It’s rare that we spend it apart. If he has to go to the bank, I go to the bank with him. If I need to buy cat food, he goes to buy cat food with me. There are rare exceptions to this, such as a prep class he’s going to for the bar exam here (but I was there when he signed up for it) and him stopping by the grocery store on his way home from work (but he’s on the phone with me asking what I need/want). Some people insist that you need your alone time as you’re two different people with different interests, but we spend enough time apart. So, our “alone” time really looks like him watching soccer or the news on TV with me sitting next to him reading a book or doing a Sudoku puzzle.

I’m not actually married but my goal with my current boyfriend is to get to marriage material. Right now we’re going through a phase so that we can learn ourselves and improve ourselves more. Quiet a few of the things in this article are things my boyfriend will tell me every now and then, and I don’t really take it seriously and I always end up being more difficult than I need to be. It was an eye opener for sure, that these are things people actually take issue with.

I have a really important one that I think many women (myself included) struggle with. We have to stop resenting and blaming our husbands for not meeting needs that we haven’t told him about. He isn’t a mind-reader and if you aren’t telling him what your personal needs, he’s going to assume that he’s meeting them all, don’t expect him to read your mind. Body language can be misconstrued a hundred ways, sit down with him and kindly, respecfully, and lovingly tell him what needs you have and give him ways you consider them met. Unmet needs are dangerous and drive a wedge of miscommunication in a marriage, prevent it from ever becoming an issue by openly communicating them.

Hi. I was Surprised WITH and grateful for this POST. It’s it often you find someone who thinks like yourself. The Advice given is extremely beneficial and anyone who does not agree with #5 is leaving themselves open to betrayal either from or to their partner. Chelsea never says you can’t have a friend of the opposite sex but not to be alone with them. So stop trying to justify yourselves everyone and just take her advice for the benefit of your marriage. Yrs I know it’s possible to HAVE friends of the OPPOSITE SEX and have no attraction between you – but we never know when things might spark. A shoulder to cry on here and a sympathy there …. from my own experience the unexpected happened with someone who was a mutual friend to both of us but too much TIME spent TOGETHERNESS (and not even alone) led to an unexpected attraction that had to be battled as we both wanted to do the right thing and hurt noone. Our families still had to spend TIME witheach OTHER iver the years as children were friends and we are in a small church but care has to be taken and rules followed to safeguard our marriages. So I fully agree IT is EXTREMELY unwise to be alone with the opposite SEX. Keep up the great work chelsea

Wow that came out mess – and whats with all the CAPITALS?? Anyway its NOT often you find someone who thinks LIKE YOURSELF just be careful with alone time spent with the opposite and there will be no heartache or jealousy

Was so good until I stopped reading when it said not to be friends with the opposite sex. That’s ridiculous. If you have a marriage where you want to control who each other or don’t trust each other, then I guess that’s for you and not for us.

The longer the above issues remain unresolved in ANY marriage, the more these habits intertwine, intensify, and steadily reduce the flow of love and connection in your life. Each day, love dwindles and stress builds until even formerly happy couples reach their breaking point.

Hello,
This is a rEally interesting List and I agreed with a lot of the comments that you made. however I do have a real issue with this point
“Having friends of the opposite sex”
I’m honestly wondering where this comes from, maybe it’s your own personal experience or a trust issue within your own relationships, but I think restricting friendships because of A gender isn’t good guidence.
you should have enough trust within your relationship to not worry about your partner with someone of the opposite gender. and friendships that exist before your relationship don’t need to be jeopardize just because you’re in a relationship or marriage.
NOt an At attack on you in anyway just another perspective on that point.

Not having friends of the opposite sex is ridiculous to me. If you have self respect and respect your spouse there is nothing to fear if you both trust each other. The key is communication. You don’t go behind your spouse back to see your friends of the opposite sex. Tell him/her where you are going and be there, what time and when you will be back and if you will be late. Introduce them to your friends and even invite them along. The majority of my friends are of the opposite sex and if any of them disrespected my relationship with my SO they know I would have nothing else to do with them. A true friend would do nothing to jeopardize your relationship no matter what sex they were.

My husband and I do a lot of things on this list. He works overnight, I work during the day. We often just end up sleep in separate beds beCause we both need to Get the right amount of sleep and have diffe health problems.
So mAny of these “rules” as listed are broken.
I get anxioUs if i’m Held For too long.
We’re both introverts and don’t really talk to other people. We don’t have normal hobbies.
However, maybe some of the things or all of the things work on the list for normal, extroverted people.

Hello. I am so happy that someone knows the pain of marriage. My husband cheated on me with a family member 4 years ago, and now has a severe porn addiction .he is not the same person. He says I have changed, that I have become cold, I ignore him, and so on. But, I do not believe in divorce. I know he is not happy with me anymore. But he really hurt me. I was pregnant when he had the affair and I found out through my sister. I confronted him and he acted like it was my fault, like I pushed him to do it.

Hi! I'm Chelsea and we're the Damon's. We spent the last two years in WA state paying off student loans and just bought our first house in SC! I love a smooth black coffee, Josh's first love is the Seattle Sounders. Our kids are huge dorks and constantly make us laugh and we all love spending as much time outside as possible.