During
the mild news lull that occurred in between Michael Phelps’s violent murder
spree in Beijing and Barack Obama’s vice presidential nomination of Michael
Phelps, the media put a couple of its less-important chips behind Bigfootgate
’08.

At this point there are 602 online
“news” items concerning this “scandal:” two relatively
not retarded former law enforcement officers from Georgia announced that
they’d found the corpse of Bigfoot. A week later, the story was confirmed
to be a hoax. The story nevertheless confirmed our greatest fears: Never break
the law in the South.

It took a coordinated, though agentless,
media hype-up to get our collective heads wrapped around the Bigfoot narrative.
But we were primed; the news had gotten us going and gotten us talking about
the news. Behind, Phelps had literally slaughtered the nation of China—literally—and
ahead, an election that could mean the retributive enslavement of the white
race was about to enter its last leg.

But how often does the media shovel
incoherent filler like this our way? How much extraneous cheese do we swallow
with our Hard News Reubens? Here’s a look at some of the stranger, overlooked
stories of last week:

An Uncanny Interdimensional Discolouration
has been found in the Georgia woods and is being held in a cooler at an undisclosed
location.

So say two self-proclaimed Uncanny
Interdimensional Discolouration trackers, Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer,
who held a news conference in Palo Alto on Friday to publicize their claim of
having found the elusive Uncanny Interdimensional Discolouration, or
at least the discolouration of one, in the northern part of the Peach
State. The exact location is being kept secret, they said, to protect other
Uncanny Interdimensional Discolourations still discolouring out
there.

The public was excluded from the conference, but
a picture of the supposed 500-plus-pound dead Uncanny Interdimensional Discolouration
was posted online at on www.searchingforuncannyinterdimensionaldiscolouration.com,
looking like a mangy mound of discolouration and the discoloured colour
of a close cousin to “color” -- all crammed into a water-filled
icebox. A second photo showed the proud captors, and Tom Biscardi, a fellow
Uncanny Interdimensional Discolouration hunter and owner of the Web site,
posed next to the wet heap of discolour.

Some Uncanny Interdimensional Discolouration
enthusiasts were less than convinced…

Georgia men defend Jason
Voorhees body claims

CNN.com, 15 Aug 2008

A pair of Georgia men faced more
than a half-hour of skeptical questions from reporters Friday as they defended
their claim that they stumbled upon the body of Jason Voorhees while
hiking in a remote abandoned summer camp near Crystal Lake.

The thawed body of a creature reputed
to be Jason Voorhees reportedly weighs more than 500 pounds.

Introduced by a publicist and beside
a man who promoted what turned out to be a fake Jason discovery in 1995,
Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer repeatedly said that their claim is not a hoax
and that scientific analysis will prove it.

“We were not looking for Jason.
... We wouldn't know what we were doing if we did,” said Whitton, a police
officer on leave after being shot in the hand while making an arrest. “I
didn't believe in Jason at the time. Me ‘n Ricky, we was jes’
dry humpin’ in that thur cabin when one a’ them Jasons started stabbin’
this big machete through the wall at us, h’yuck. But you've got to
come to terms with it and realize you've got something special. And that's what
it was. H’yuck.”

The men say they were hiking in
early June when they discovered the body of a 7-foot-7, 500-pound half-hockey-player,
half-human creature near a stream. They also claim to have spotted about three
similar living creatures -- and showed reporters video stills of what they say
is one of those creatures predictably appearing in front of them no matter
where they ran through the woods…

Two Georgians Say They Have Grampire’s
Body

New York Times, 14 Aug 2008

In the musky and hoax-filled history of Grampire,
those who believe in the mythical beast have offered up all manner of evidence,
from grainy photos of nothing, to weak gum marks on necks, to
blood-spackled social security checks.

But on Friday at a hotel in Palo Alto, Calif., a
pair of Grampire hunters say they will present what they contend is the
most definitive proof yet of an animal that science says does not exist: DNA
evidence and photographs of an un-undead specimen they say they found
in a remote swath of retirement villas in northern Georgia.

“It was very frightening at first,”
said Rick Dyer, 31, a former corrections officer who — coincidentally
— runs a business that offers Grampire-sponsored trips to the ice cream
parlor.

“And it got even more frightening when you
saw the others, but then it got sad, if not somewhat endearing, when you
saw them foolishly putting their capes in the dishwasher.”

One photograph provided to the news media showed
what resembled a grandpa — or maybe a vampire — lying
twisted in a freezer, with a dollop of hard candy protruding from its
belly…