According to an exclusive investigation conducted by our newspaper, The Pasadenoid has found that Secretary Ash Carter knows nothing about the military and is merely a figure-head who must stand around looking pissed all the time.

“The Secretary should maintain a strict demeanor of disgust or displeasure at all times,” reads Carter’s job description, according to documents obtained by The Pasadenoid.

Secretary Carter responded to the leak with disbelief and indignation.

“This is absurd. I don’t have time for this shit,” he told reporters in a press conference today.

“At least that’s what the manual says I should say in this situation,” he added.