GWAR Not Only Wants To Play The Super Bowl Halftime Show — They Want To Play In The Actual Game

Eric Goldschein

10:29 am, September 27th, 2013

You might have heard that there’s a petition going around in support of GWAR playing the 2015 Super Bowl halftime show (Bruno Mars got the nod this year). The petition now has the official support of the band itself, and an awesome press release announcing GWAR’s plans to field a team to play in the NFL has also been made available.

I could explain why this press release is so awesome, but like they say in creative writing class, show, don’t tell. Via RVA Magazine (the first three paragraphs are the most salient):

“Madness at the Core of Time” Tour Kicks off October 2nd

After a week and over 35,000 signatures, Antarctic overlords GWAR finally have officially reacted to the petition started by Jeff Cantrell of Morehead, Kentucky on Change.org to have GWAR play the Super Bowl Halftime Show. The petition can be signed at Change.org/GWARBOWL.

“It has long been the joy of GWAR to submit the human race to any number of hideous tortures, and I can’t think of anything more horrible than you having to watch acts like The Black-Eyed Peas and Bruno Mars perform. So the temptation to ignore this is great! But then you start thinking about all of the people that who have never experienced GWAR before, and will be forced to do so if we do get the gig, well, at that point my colossal mega-ego kicks in and I am all over it.”

After a long and wet fart, Oderus continued…”I really don’t think we should be limited to playing the halftime show…I am offering GWAR as an actual team that could complete in the NFL. Think of the titanic struggle involved as the NFL submits their best players, hell, we could play against all the teams at once and still emerge victorious. For too long has the NFL ignored the obvious fact that the players should be naked, blind-folded and armed with battle axes, that land mines should litter the field and whalers should hurl harpoons randomly from the stands. GWAR is throwing our entire cosmic weight (and we are fairly hefty) behind this petition, and command all of our followers, their families, and indeed anybody who has ever existed to sign this fucking thing, and in fact for those who have already signed it to create multiple fake email addresses and sign it again!”

And now to top it all off, today GWAR is ready to bring everyone a little holiday cheer with a select number of shows this December. That’s right it’s Christmas Time with Santa Oderus. These three shows are set for December 27th in New York at Irving Plaza, December 28th in New Haven, CT at Toad’s Place and finally a show in Richmond, VA on December 29th at The National. Tickets for all three shows go on sale this Friday.

In support of Battle Maximus,GWAR will be heading out this fall on the “Madness at the Core of Time” tour. The tour, which features a completely brand-new show full of slavering creatures and deserving victims, is set to kick off October 2nd in Columbus, Ohio and runs through November 17th in Washington, DC. GWAR shall be joined by deathcore heavyweights and label-mates Whitechapel, Richmond, VA thrashers Iron Reagan (featuring Municipal Waste singer Tony Foresta) and A Band of Orcs (who are actually a band of Orcs).

GWAR’s Battle Maximus features twelve brand new tracks that not only honor their departed ally, but tells the story of GWAR’s latest struggle against what may be their greatest enemy yet…the insidious “Mr. Perfect”, who has travelled through time itself to steal the power of GWAR–the power of immortality, and use this power to mutate the human race into his twisted vision of what the “perfect” human should be. Once again GWAR finds themselves as the only thing standing between the human race and the latest super-powered shithead bent on the destruction of GWAR and the enslavement of their worshippers.

Though Rick Chandler drew some ire for saying that GWAR isn’t his cup of tea, I’ll go on record and say that this is a fantastic idea, and I’ve already signed the petition. Sure, the band is “satirical,” but they rock hard and rather than some artists acting tough to the cameras and/or showing me their weird breast rings, I’d prefer to be entertained in between my Super Bowl halves.