There is a secret that all people who believe in evolution know, but that we keep secret from Cretinists, Intelligent Design advocates, and other assorted septics.

It is this.

We know the fossil record is perfect.

That is, every inch of every layer of every deposit of sedimentary rock has been excavated on all continents, and under every sea and every ocean. We have also taken apart every building made of these rocks. This has been a spectacular feat of engineering, I mean, did you notice us replace the Himalayas? Did you see us rip out the grand canyon and replace it with multicoloured layers of concrete? And did you see us hide all that broken rock behind the bike shed?

The process of fossilisation is also perfect. Every single one of the 9 billion chickens eaten each year, regardless of what you do to it, is fossilised, and this is true of spiders, sparrows, dogs, frogs, antelopes, lions, beavers, hawks, sharks, crabs, and every other living thing on the planet, regardless of how, why, or where it dies; and regardless of what happens to the corpse.

This process can be directly observed if you blink very, very fast while turning your head left and right quickly. It helps if you are spinning around, say on an office chair. Do this and you will see a slight blurring of the ground. That is fossilisation taking place.

We even known who are doing it and how. It’s a function of the insect world, where ant and beetles have for millions of years been collecting each and every bit of dead living thing and returning them to their nests. In these nests there are numerous open chambers where the ants work their magic, sorting through all the rubbish they take (and the excrement the beetles bring; “Hey what have you got there?”, “Oh, just some bird shit, it contains the remains of spiders you need to fossilise”, “Dammit! We’ve got 15 tones of bird shit. Cant you get us some something else?”), sorting through the proteins, and when they’ve got all the bits of an animal that died, sit there welding them together in the chamber before back filling the room, and doing it all over again from square on in another chamber, while the queen ant screams “Jesus, we need another 69,634,001 workers for this whale…boy I’m gonna be tired..

This leads to some important conclusions about what we have found and what it means.

Firstly, lets take the Coelacanth. This fish is alive and well living off the coast of Africa and South America. But the last fossil of this creature were discovered from 65,000,000 years ago (ants get to the bones by scuba diving, by the way, and for really deep areas, they ride in genetically engineered spider crabs). Clearly this means that Every living Coelacanth around today has lived for 65,000,000 years. Yes, they are very, very, very, very old fish. Infact, so old that whales, sharks and sea cucumbers often go to them to benefit from their wisdom. Other animals avoid them because they start most conversations with “when I was sprat, a long time ago..”

Only about 30 Tyrannosaurus fossils have been found, mostly in the western part of the United States. Fossils have been found in the USA (in Montana, Texas, Utah, and Wyoming), Canada (Alberta and Saskatchewan), and east Asia (Mongolia). One T. rex footprint has been found, in an undisclosed location in New Mexico, USA, across the late cretaceous period.

Thus we know the following. Only 30 of these magnificent beasts ever, ever, existed but they covered vast intercontinental distances with a very efficient hoping motion.

The Rose and Brown study of a monkey population that showed speciation over 4 million years from 700 skeletons was complete and we know that no other skeletons will be found cause we tore the ground up. Thus we calculate that these monkey lived an average of 5714 years each. Very impressive compared to the human maximum of 110 years. Incidentally, the same calculation shows each Tyrannosaurus lives about 3,700,000 years each, which just shows to go how truly impressive these monsters were.

Another fact we know from the fossil record relates directly to the hominid line. A number of proto-humans have been found, clearly identified as such from foot, leg, hip and skull fragments. Actually, a lot of fossils have something of this nature to them.

What most people don’t realise is that there were no other parts. Yep, that’s right. Those isolated fossil sharks teeth weren’t actually attached to a shark (we would have found the complete fossil otherwise) but actually roved the ancient seas slicing up creatures and then slowly dying because they didn’t have a metabolism to support them.

The early humans actually did just hope around on one leg, with a perfectly formed human foot, and their internal organs supported and protected 2 ribs on the left hand side and three on the right. Their brains were almost completely unprotected and supported only by soft body parts, parts the ants really cant be bothered to extract from animal dung (though dung beetles keep bringing them more. Poor sods.).

Another fact we know from the fossil records is that we are completely wrong about the habitats animals lived in. Despite the pleasiosaur and the Icthyosaur being perfectly adapted for life in the water, no fossils of these creatures have ever been found by an underwater expedition. We therefore conclude that these creatures actually lived on dry land, obviously hunting fishes and other aquatic animals that also (unfortunately) had to manage on dry land. Fitness being a relative thing, and all of them being reduced to flapping around, the Icthys and Plesies managed to survive long enough to produce young (who died and the ants fossilised) and to grow to great size, even reaching 50 feet in length before Queenie shouted “Kill it!, that will take a age to rebuild if the bits get lost!”

So there you have it. Something all evolutionists know, something we’ve kept secret.

Of course, it is argued by some evolutionists that it may be impossible in some cases to identify one species as the ancestral species of another species -- simply due to the fact that intermediate steps were not preserved and due to the presence of a large number of closely related species across time (e.g., that the hominid family tree is actually more like a bush than a tree), but in some cases, there is a impressive amount of continuity in the fossil record. Please see: