Brother
in your
pain through
life; through
this world
of pain and
strife, eve-
ry moment
night and day, as you journey
on your way--shun the whiskey
bottle. Know you not that in each
one, hid beneath the sparkling rum, lies a
deadly serpent there? Brother, do not
drink, beware!-Shun the whisky bottle.
In that bottle too, there lies guarded by
this serpents tongue, anguish, poverty
and crime. Heed the warning-turn
in time. Shun the whisky bottle.
The woe, the ruined lives of the
mothers and wives. Heed their
tears; oh, stop and think of the
misery caused by drink. Shun
the whisky bottle. Brother, if
you wish to find happiness
and peace of mind, wealth,
contentment, comfort,
friends all on which suc-
cess depends--shun the
whisky bottle. At last
when death is at your
door if you would live
forevermore, if you
would gain celestial
prize, and live with
God beyond the
skies, shun the
whiskey bottle.

WHAT WOULD
JESUS DRIVE?

One theory is that
Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth
because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the
Garden of Eden in a Fury."
But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac
and a Geo.
The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your
Tempest
and terrify them with your Storm." Perhaps God favors Dodge
pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go
up a mountain "until the Ram's
horn sounds a long blast." Some scholars insist that Jesus
drove a Honda
but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a
verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd.
"For I did not speak of my own Accord..."
Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle,
as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of
Moses' Triumph
is heard in the hills." Joshua drove a Triumph
sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph
was heard throughout the land." And, following the Master's
lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda...
"The Apostles were in one
Accord."

The
PREACHER'S ASS

A
preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being
told that
there was a fortune in horse-racing,
decided to purchase one and enter
it in the races. However at the local auction, the going
price for ahorse
was so high that he ended up buying a donkey
instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead
and enter it
in the races. To his surprise, the donkey
came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S ASS
SHOWS.
The preacher was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race again, and this time it won.
The paper read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT FRONT.The Bishop was
so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the
preacher not to enter the donkey
in another race.
The next paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES
PREACHER'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the preacher
to get rid
of the donkey.
The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have
to get rid
of the donkey,
so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to
buy back thedonkey
and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.The bishop was
buried the next day.