Recently, I watched the movie Fences, in which Troy Maxson (Denzel Washington) makes his living as a sanitation worker in 1950s Pittsburgh. Maxson once dreamed of becoming a professional baseball player, but was deemed too old when the major leagues began admitting black athletes. Bitter over his missed opportunity, Troy creates further tension in his family when he squashes his son’s (Jovan Adepo) chance to meet a college football recruiter (source IMDb)

In this movie, Troy decides to build a fence around his house and he does this over several years and it is finally completed near the end of the movie. What has the name Fences got to do with the movie? It could be a depiction of Troy’s way of keeping his fears out or could be construed as him trying to build the emotional barriers between himself and his sons. It could also be interpreted as Rose’s (Troy’s wife) way of keeping her family protected and safe.

As I was watching the movie, I was thinking of what Fences are we building around our self and which of them do we really need?

What are the fences that we need to build and what do we need to get rid of ?

⇒6 Fences you may want to consider to build

1.Lighten Your Load

Often, when we travel, we carry heavy baggage that slows us down. A lot of this heavy baggage, in daily life, comes from negativity and getting stuck in our way of thinking. You can break the fences, by keeping an open mind and a positive attitude. Keeping a frozen mind does not help us to see things from a different perspective.

2.Believe In Yourself

The grass looks greener on the other side and it does not have to be if you believe in yourself and keep your expectations optimistically positive. Unless and until your trust yourself and believe in your abilities and work towards your dream, no one else will.

3.Be Accountable

Are you clear about your priorities? Do you evaluate and reflect on them often? It is important to determine what is important along a time frame – 1 year, 6 months, 3 months, and so on and fine tune it to a daily basis. Trying to please everyone is not possible and take responsibility in setting boundaries that will help you to say yes only to things that are important.

4.Listen

Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves – Dale Carnegie.

As a human being and a leader, it is about how well you listen. You may have the gift of gab and it takes self-regulation and awareness to step back and listen. Are you building fences in a way that stops you from listening to others?

5.Care

Do you care for your team and build relationships? Do you connect with your team and build rapport and trust with them? Are you, your clients trusted advisor? Make people with whom you work realize that they matter and appreciate them for things they do well.

6.Personal growth and development

Do you give enough time for your own personal growth and development? A leader recognizes the importance of willingness to grow and develop their skills and thinking. Break down the fences that stops you from investing in your learning and development, be it your negativity, your excuses, or anything else.

I received a text from a friend of mine asking me how I was doing and specifically on something that I had discussed with her that was worrying me. I felt thrilled on receiving the message from her. Another friend of mine who was with me, while I received this asked me why I felt so thrilled with the message. I told her that I felt thrilled because it is the thought that counts.

A simple wish, a message or phone call asking you how you are or wishing you for your birthday or good luck means much more than someone who does not bother to wish you or ask you how you are. Most of us have friends or relatives who rarely think of us and may be buy us a gift once in a while and make a big ado about this. Yet, there are others who with their simple thoughts and kind deeds make your day. It is not the big or expensive gifts that necessarily count but a gift or thought no matter how small, is much more precious because at least that person has made an effort to think of you and is doing it with their heart and soul.

Life is made of moments and every little thing counts because it these little things that make up life’s moments. Significant and big things are important to each of us and yet it is the little things that make each day and give us that pleasure and joy. Let us learn to recognize it, feel it, sense it and appreciate it

Life is what we make of it and there are many things which is beyond our control. When life throws you a curve ball and she does throw this ever so often, you can build your resilience by the attitude you take to life’s challenges. It is appreciating those little things in life which will enable us to see the positivity in the negativity that may surround us.

Here are some things which I appreciate in life:

1.Gratitude

Reminding myself of things that went right no matter how small even on a day which felt horrible because of the events that happened on the day.

2.Exercise

Taking time consciously in a day to do gym and yoga. It is these moments which energizes me and helps me de-stress and live in that moment.

3.Nature

Time with nature when I do have the time to hike. Being with nature helps me find myself and provide clarity to me.

4.Appreciate

The special people in your life, the thoughtful things they do for you, the good wishes they send your way.

5.Grounded

One of my yoga instructors made a great comment recently. While we were seated, she said, feel the grounding of any part of your body that is in contact with the ground. When she said that I immediately felt a gratitude for my hands and feet that work and is able.

10.Listening

Give your undivided attention to your family, near and dear ones and to your team.

11.Remembering names

“Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” -Dale Carnegie. How do you feel when someone addresses you by their name? Each of us feel good when people remember our name. Let’s give that joy to someone else.

12.Asking About Personal Interests

Get to know a colleague of yours at a deeper level. What are their interests? Asking questions or commenting on such interests before or after a meeting or at lunch or after work builds a bridge of connection. This connection helps you to make that relationship stronger.

One time, during one of my travels, I was standing in the queue to go through security. The person standing ahead of me removed his belt placed it on the tray, emptied his pockets, then took out his laptop, put his bag on the trolley, thereafter zipped his laptop bag and then put that on the trolley. He took a good 5 minutes to do all of this. He seemed like a regular traveler and one who definitely was in the know. Yet…

Consider situations when people push you, or don’t bother moving out of your way when you say “excuse me”, on the road or in a lift, they barge in before you can get out. If you were to ask them to not do so, instead of saying sorry, they get into a fight and argument.

What is the common thread in these incidents?

⇒ATTITUDE

That traveler was in the know about what needs to be put on the belt and yet did not care about being courteous in making an attempt to remove his laptop from the bag ahead of time or be adept with the way he put the things on the belt. His behavior seemed to be one of lack of care and courtesy to the passengers queuing behind him.

⇒How many times have you been in situations where people tell you that they know and yet act differently?

⇒Being in the know is useful, if you chose to behave according to your actions.

⇒Being in the know is of no use if your resultant behavior and action is one of apathy.

⇒Not knowing is better than knowing something and choosing to be apathetic.

In order not to be apathetic, consider these 6 key points

1.Attitude

Attitude is one each of us can chose because that is the only thing we can control.

To keep your attitude in check, are you
-asking the right questions of yourself and others,
-challenging the obvious
-willing to step out of your comfort zone
-being courteous in your actions and behavior
-ignoring your true dissenting inner voice

2.Pride

We need to celebrate our achievements and those of others. Each of us need to feel the deep pleasure derived from our accomplishments and successes. However, when we refuse to acknowledge those of others or are so narcissistic about ourselves, we turn our pride into being egoistic. As a leader be proud but not egoistic.

Are you being courageous to do what is right even if it is not the most popular?

3.Amiable

We need to be connected to each other because as human beings we are social animals and cannot survive in isolation. Connection happens when you are genuine and amiable. If you are indifferent and rude, you indicate a behavior of apathy.

4.Taut (not be rigid)

Being adaptive helps us to connect with others. You can be assertive and yet be adaptive. In showing rigidity in your actions, behaviors and the way you communicate, you are showing indifference.

Do you not ask questions because you fear resistance?

Do you stop advocating an idea for the good of your team and co., because it is not met with eyes of approval?

5.Haughty

A leader is one who has humility in the way they act and behave. By being haughty you do not inspire others in who you are or what you do.

⇒Do you surround yourself with people who don’t question you?

OR

⇒Do you surround yourself with people who can challenge your thinking and whose strengths make up for your deficits?

⇒Is your action and behavior disdainful and arrogantly superior?

⇒What are you doing with being in the know?

6.Yourself

Be authentic and Be yourself. Authenticity is being genuine but does not include being brash or uncourteous. Being authentic means you manage your EI and don’t forget your humility. In being EI, you chose to reframe your communication in a way that suits your audience and the context, without lying or using flattery.

“As a #leader, you inspire others when you refuse to act and behave in a manner that is not apathetic.”

It takes Courage to become old. This is what a friend of mine stated as she was recollecting what her mother had mentioned to her when she was alive. We were both having a conversation on our parents, their health and on life in general. As I was going home, the words that “It takes courage to become old” kept ringing in my ears.

I was thinking about my parents and what they have been through recently and my mom’s fight with Parkinsons’. Despite my Dad’s recent illness, his will power to look at life on a bright side and my mom’s innate ability to deal relentlessly with the challenges thrown by Parkinson’s are inspiring. Despite her down moments, I admire her resilience.

Throughout our life, there are many of us who wonder if we are leaders, are we inspiring others, are we motivating others. Yet, we forget that who we are, what we do, how we behave and how we deal with the downs of life, if done right, can be a leading example to many.

What is key to Who You Are ?

1.Your Attitude

You need to believe in yourself and you are stronger than you think. This is a matter of your attitude. Life’s events can be daunting and many moments may be such that you want to give up. I have learnt from my parents that you cannot allow yourself to be defined by what gets given to you- let life’s moments not define you, you can define life’s moments by the attitude you take. Many of life’s moments are not chosen by you, but the attitude you take to those is entirely your choice.

You may want to cringe, get angry, frustrated and by doing all that, you unfortunately make yourself worse. Deal with the emotion you are undergoing, share it, journal it and do something constructive that will enable you to move forward.

As a leader, you realize that sulking on disasters and disappointments in life is not going to help you. You need to believe in yourself, lead from within and only then can you possibly inspire others.

2.Your Values

Very often whilst coaching my clients, when I ask them to state their core values and if their actions and behaviors would exhibit those values, many of them get insights.

It is important to know who we are, what are our core values, how do our actions and behaviors define our values?

Every time I look at my parents or speak with them, I realize that they are resilient and manage themselves well emotionally. They don’t give up. They are willing to see the light at the end of a dark road. And for my sister and I, that is inspiring and encouraging.

3.You are a Risk Taker

It is easy to give up when you choose to see your obstacles as hurdles that cannot be surpassed. Yet, you have a choice to see it as challenges or opportunities and way to move forward. It encourages you to think differently, move out of your comfort zone and challenge the way you are.

For my mom, dealing with Parkinson’s is new to her. There is no prior experience and she has to face those challenging moments with a lot of grit. She does get discouraged and yet she gets out of it by the way she reacts to it and the mindset that she adopts.

As a leader, you can inspire others by the perspective you take to the troubles or challenges that come your way and overall your attitude to come through those stronger and better.

4.You Prioritize

My parents are old and the assumed tendency is that they will be slacking off and not be bothered about time. They have not done in the past and do not do so even now. They are disciplined about their time and others time. My parents still wake up early and manage their affairs well, despite many a challenge.

Are you consistent with walking your talk? How committed are you to your word? You will motivate others when you lead by example and when you value your time and those of others.

5.Your growth and development

My dad keeps himself abreast of news and developments around the world. He reads and watches news channels on TV.

Personal growth and development is fundamental to the way you come across to others. It affects your Executive Presence. When you focus on your personal growth and development, you are willing to expand your horizons and be on a continuous cycle of development and a willing learner. Humility is essential to be on the path of growth and development.

6.You are not alone

I did not realize for many years that my parents need appreciation. They don’t say it and when they do get appreciated, they feel nice. Reminders about the positive things they have done and how it matters to you is a nudge to them that they are not alone.

Praise and appreciation is required by each of us, no matter our age or gender. Even leaders who lead by example need to be appreciated and reminded that they are not alone.

You can be a leader by taking those little actions that matter. You can act and behave in a way that tells yourself or others that you are not a sum of your beliefs, fears and doubts.

Three weeks back, I was facilitating a presentation skills training and during the break I checked my phone and saw a message from my sister- pumping heart problem, call and please come urgently. I was in shock when I read the message and in that shock did not unlock my phone and check further details of the message.

My mom had been discharged just the day before, on Sunday, after spending 3-4 days in ICU. I was wondering how from Parkinson’s she was suddenly having heart problems. Little did I realize that it was my dad who was serious, till I called my sister and thereafter quickly read my messages. I was in a state of confusion and the break was only for 10 minutes. I was caught between thoughts of my dad and praying he gets ok and giving my fullest to the participants. There was a fear that was constantly pulling me away from keeping myself focused. Yet, I put my fear and panic aside and delivered the training.

My sister described to me on the phone later, when I arrived home, the events of that morning. She was caught between panic and having to act swiftly to rush my dad to the hospital. She acted in a timely manner, arranged for the ambulance and she and her husband managed to get my dad to the ICU in the nick of time.

Fear is part of our life’s journey. There is a fear that is created by our imagination and letting our mind wander wild and there is a panic that takes over us, when events rock our world.

Yes, in that moment of fear, our emotional part of the brain takes over and we go into a freeze, fight, flight or appease mode. The executive center of the brain or the logical part of the brain shuts down when we are in a state of fear.

Are there ways to manage this state of fear and have our rational part of the brain take over?

I’m reminded of Katherine Paterson’s quote on fear “To fear is one thing. To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.”

Ways to manage and overcome fear

1.Breathe

Deep breathing is something we hear often and yet forget about doing so. When we are in a state of panic, our breathing becomes shallow thereby sending a signal to the brain of anxiety.

When you are in fear, consciously take the following steps

-Tell yourself to stop whatever you are doing. This gives you a moment away from the emotion you are going through.
-Consciously breathe in and out and count the no of breaths in and out. Breathing in and out consciously is difficult when you are in an emotional state – be it fear, anger or feeling of overwhelm. Thus consciously forcing yourself to do this is important.
-Once you focus on your breathing… It becomes easier to increase the count you breathe in and breathe out. Counting your breath in and out allows you to focus and bring your rational brain into play again.

In a matter of less than 2 minutes, I was able to focus on the training by reminding myself to breathe in and out.

2.Focus on the task at hand and desired outcome

Ask yourself how important is the task at hand and will that be affected if you allow yourself to remain in the state of panic? Sometimes rating your fear on a scale of 1-10 v/s the importance of the task in hand on a scale of 1-10 helps to put things in perspective.

If there is a repetitive pattern of fear before a particular activity or task or even an unexpected event, reflecting on what you can do different, so that you don’t get into a fear mode is another way to gradually overcome fear.

Both my sister and I got ourselves to focus on our tasks at hand and didn’t allow our imagination to go wild.

3.Imagination

We imagine and imagination within limits is good. Imagination going wild can cause anxiety and fear. Think about the number of times you were worried about something and finally actual results or reality was far different from your wild imagination.

The thinking process that we go through, usually without realizing it, to get from a fact to a decision or action are based on our prior experiences and beliefs. Our prior experiences or beliefs can thus lead us to making our own interpretation of what the events mean and we draw conclusions based on these interpreted facts and our assumptions.

Fear and anxiety often arises from our uncontrolled imagination. When you get into this mode, either

-Ask yourself, “what is the worst that can possibly happen?”
-Prepare to accept the worst.
-Try to improve on the worst
and
Remind yourself of the exorbitant price you can pay for worry and anxiety in terms of your health. Decide just how much anxiety a thing may be worth and refuse to give it more.

There are things beyond one’s control and for such things it is best to Cooperate with the inevitable.

The past can be used as a guide for future, as an inspiration but never as a source of worry and anxiety.

Use your imagination to see yourself in a positive, present (in terms of where you want to be) and powerful state with regard to upcoming events and that will help you prepare and be in a calm state of mind.

On the day when my dad was hospitalized all I could do was to pray and hope for the best. By worrying and thinking about my dad at that point in time, I realized I would lose my focus on the task at hand. I also told myself, that the earliest I could leave was that evening because there were no flights earlier.

4.Cultivate a peaceful mental attitude

Our mind can be a monster and we should encourage ourselves to consciously fill our mind with thoughts of peace, courage, health, and hope. Keeping yourself constructively busy mentally and physically will help the mind and our brain to focus on achieving something and not wander away.

5.Gratitude

Reminding yourself of things you are capable of and what you have done builds the positivity and in that positive state of mind, creativity is encouraged and fear is reduced.

Having a mindset of gratitude to things you have, things that you are capable of and challenges that you have overcome helps to ease doubt and fear.

Fear is a state of mind and with some or all of the above points, we can learn to control our monkey mind.

Fears and self-doubts will come up when you take on a new role, take on greater responsibility, manage a larger team or new team or speak up. Find out what you limiting beliefs are by going through the above steps or hiring a professional coach.

Jack started off by telling us that the bank that he was working with, had just announced a reorganization and that the division he had been working in, was going to be sold to another bank. He started preparing his CV, met few headhunters and specifically stated how one headhunter, Gina, was a bit different, in the way she asked questions and discovered more about him, his skills, and his background.

She put him up for an interview with a company, although she felt that he was probably not an exact fit. He goes on to describe the various stages of the interview, the ups and downs, the excitement and the apprehension. Jack then interviews with the Managing Director, and he describes how he articulated to the Managing Director, that he was the right fit for that job. He lets the audience feel every moment of this interview, describing the room, the behaviors of this MD, his own feelings, and he continues to build it up, the audience waiting with abated breadth and thereafter he ends the story on a climax, bringing it all together. His story made us think, care, feel, and emotionally connect with his experience. He took us through the high and low, the action, an element of suspense and overall kept us riveted and engaged throughout.

We are emotional beings and emotion is the critical element that makes information relevant and memorable. Storytelling is an art, science and craftsmanship and it relies on our real life experiences and creative thought processes. Through stories we inform, engage, entertain, convince, add depth to ours and others lives and give meaning to our relationships. A well told story provides the relevant context in our work.

A leader should be and want to be a good story teller. Here is why

1.To Communicate

We are bombarded on a day-to-day basis with never ending flow of information and numbers. Never ending stream of data may be useful but can get boring. Communication happens if it reaches the ears of the listener in the way it was intended. An interesting and well told story is able to capture the attention of the audience, convey the message which reams of data may not be able to. One of the qualities of a great communicator is credibility and connecting with the audience. No one else will be able to tell your story as well as you do because you have experienced it and thus earned the right.

2.To Empower

Story telling not only empowers the story teller but also the audience. By telling a story, the story teller reminds himself or herself of how strong they are and the lessons learnt. The audience listening to the story is empowered to act in the desired manner based on the lesson learnt from others stories.

3.To Inspire

There are many movies based on true stories, and be it in a movie like Race, which is based on the incredible true story of courage, determination, tolerance, and friendship, and an inspiring drama about Jesse Owens fight to become an Olympic legend or Catch me if you can, which is based on a major con artist, Frank Abagnale Jr. who was successful at stealing millions of dollars, acting as a Pan Am pilot, a doctor and a legal prosecutor – all before his 19th birthday. Each of these have a story from which you can be inspired by the grit, determination, the courage, the EQ or IQ of the person whose life, these stories are based on.

4.To Educate

Leaders often need to educate people on policies, procedures and on the way to do things. All of this is necessary and yet you may feel it is mundane and boring. What better way to educate than by way of stories.
Stories not only inspires us but educates us, in that, we can learn lessons based on the theme of the story. Stories enables us to remember and apply the lesson, learnt from others’ lives. “Think before you speak” or “Learn from your mistakes” is great advise to receive and yet one that we hear so often that sometimes we may tend to ignore this advise. When you hear stories from people of the consequences of thinking before speaking, and the lesson learnt, we can remember it because it lands on us well and it educates us.

5.To Reinforce Positive Behaviors

Jack through his story conveyed his confidence, positive attitude and presence of mind to create a positive impression on the managing director of the company with whom he was interviewing. By his narrative, he was able to reinforce to the audience, the positive behaviors of wit, EQ, adaptability and being present.

Story telling is only effective when it is legitimate, when you relive that moment so that you take the audience to that moment and you connect with the story and the audience emotionally.

Stories are great when they are authentic, genuine and based on real events in your life and you need to tell your stories in a way that you evoke the necessary response in your audience and it inspires them.

How are you communicating, inspiring, educating and engaging your audience?

What stories are your telling?

Please feel free to share your thoughts on the Power Of Storytelling.

The narratives that you tell yourself affects and impacts who you are, it drives your self-confidence and it can be damaging too. Please feel free to connect with me for one-on-one coaching, team coaching, facilitation or as a key note speaker.

Three weeks back, I was facilitating a training, where we had just completed a module on capturing attention of the audience by way of brief and captivating personal stories. In the debrief, a challenge that was expressed by some participants was that they are no good at thinking of and telling stories. I did not want to disagree with them or persuade them otherwise. Instead, I got the group together in a circle and I said I’ll start by saying one or two words and we continue clock wise with each participant adding one of two words that link and make sense, till we build a meaningful story. Initially, some participants took a little longer than others. In the second round it got more interesting and quicker and we built a fun and captivating story at the end of 5 minutes. Five minutes is all it took to build a story and a conversation. The conversation flowed, creativity was at its best and the participants who were skeptical of their story telling skills at the outset, realized that they were unnecessarily giving in to their inner fears. There were smiles, positivity and a rise in energy at the end of this activity.

A month ago, I got an email through my website. I normally do not click open these random emails. This time, I clicked open only because the name of this person was the same as that of one of my school friends. When I opened this email, lo and behold, it was her. After 25+ years she had found me. We connected and chatted for almost an hour. It seemed we hadn’t lost contact. There were no inhibitions, no judgment and a conversation that just flowed.

How many times have been in conversations that felt like the two above?

How many times have we felt inspired by the conversation where the words and ideas are flowing like a painter painting with inspiration on his canvas.

What is the secret to such Good Conversations ?

1.Be Genuinely Interested In The Other Person

How have you felt when someone talks endlessly about themselves, their achievements, whom they know ?Boring.. and maybe you want to run away.

One of Dale Carnegie’s principles of Building Rapport with others is to “

In his book “How To Win Friends and Influence People“, one of the examples he gives is when he met a distinguished botanist at a dinner party and the conversation that flowed thereafter. Dale Carnegie had never met a botanist before and found meeting the botanist fascinating. He, during the entire conversation with the botanist listened to the botanist. On his way out, the botanist was singing praises about Dale Carnegie to the host of the dinner party and called him a good conversationalist.

Dale Carnegie had listened and listened intently and he did so because he was genuinely interested.

Best conversations begin by showing genuine interest in other people, their world and what interests them.

2.Listening To Connect

Most of today’s conversations miss the mark because people are so involved in their smart phone that they don’t listen to understand. They do not even hear, forget about listening.

Even when listening happens, people are listening to react and respond.

If we don’t feel good when we are not listened to, why would we want to not listen to someone else? Listen, Listen, Listen and there is no short cut to this .

3.Ask Questions To Engage

. Ask open ended questions and listen to the answers to engage in a good conversation. Probing and deep dive questions should be avoided if you are meeting the person for the first time or haven’t yet built a rapport. In fact, if you are genuinely interested in the person and the conversation, it is not difficult to ask relevant questions.

Questions are a great way to have a great conversation and be engaging, as long as they are relevant and appropriate.

4.Add Value

In any conversation, especially business conversations, always look for opportunities to add value.

Asking questions, listening and observing are some ways to add value to the conversation. Where possible lend a helping hand.

5.Meaningful Connection

Reach out to people in meaningful ways and have an open mind about building rapport when you meet somebody for the first time. Good conversations are those where a meaningful connection is made irrespective of when and with whom you connect. Be aware about time and the space where you have these conversations. Time pressure and lack of distraction free space may mar conversations, even before it starts.

What are some of the characteristics of a conversation you would call good? Please feel free to add that in the comments box.

If the way you communicate is standing in between where you are and where you desire to be in terms of achieving our goals, consult me either for one-on-one coaching, group coaching , facilitation, training or to be a key note speaker.

As soon as you walk into the airport check in counter of the specific airline that you are flying with, you may have observed that the flight personnel approach you and ask you these questions

Which class are you flying?
Where are you flying to?
Are you flying business class?

For a seasoned traveler and a traveler who is in a hurry to check in and go through immigration and security, answering these irrelevant questions is probably a waste of time. They know where they are going, which line they need to check in and which class they are flying.

Even for relatively new travelers, answering those barrage of questions asked either loudly or as a matter of fact, may be a waste of time.

Probably a better question may be
How may I help you ?
Do you need help?
In case you need help, please ask me, my name is …..

No matter what services you are offering or what you are doing or whom you are being, self-awareness is crucial.

Often, when I am either coaching my clients or conducting workshops or facilitating, I am often asked how does one become self-aware?

Cultivating Self-awareness can vary from person to person. Hint: observe, listen and self-coach.

Self-coaching can be done by asking questions of yourself. Asking pertinent questions of yourself and others is a great way to engage in fruitful conversations with others and also with yourself (by way of self-talk).

What questions can ask yourself to cultivate self-awareness?

→1.Did I show genuine interest whilst conversing with others? If not, why not? How can I improve myself?

→2.Did I accept my mistake when I made one? If not, what was the reason for the hesitancy? How can I become better at accepting my mistakes ?

→3.Do I know what made me uncomfortable in that specific situation ? If yes, how can I get over it, if something similar happens next time?

Last Saturday, we went to a Restaurant which was highly recommended by one of our friends. We reached the restaurant 5 minutes earlier than the time we had been booked for. As we entered the restaurant, we were “lost” because no one seemed to be asking us, “do you have a reservation”? or “may I help you”? We hung around there for a while and since no one seemed to be attending to us, I decided to proceed further in and ask one of the staff from the restaurant, if this was in fact the right place. He immediately confirmed we were and directed us towards the entrance, saying the lady near the computer will be able to help us.

She seemed totally disinterested in the way she took our name, and cross checked the details of our booking. She then as a matter of fact stated that the table was not ready and that we would need to wait. She asked us if we would like a drink and we placed our order. To add to the indifference that was shown till then, we got the wrong drink. Finally, after 15 minutes, we get accompanied by a lady who looked lost, confused and did not know how to communicate. She showed us to one table which didn’t look very clean and then she turned around and said, that we need to wait for another 5 minutes before they can arrange a better table. By then, I lost my patience and asked if they were interested in serving us or should we find a different restaurant.

Right from the word go, here was a case of someone not caring to show courtesy. Courtesy is important and should be part of each individual’s behavior in their day-to-day dealings.

Courtesy builds rapport, enhances relationship and yet in the busy state of life, people tend to forget to be courteous.

For one-on-one coaching or group coaching or training or facilitation or training on Conversational Intelligence within a team, one on one, with your boss or any difficult conversations, please consult me.

Last Friday, I went to see my doctor to get my results on the Nerve Conduction Test, that I had done several weeks back. My GP just read out the report and said I had Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and Peripheral Neuropathy. When I asked him, the further course of action, he replied with the utmost caution. Well……. , you could go to the Orthopedic surgeon or wear a splint. I was curious about the options, despite having already read about the options, which I had explored through Google.

He didn’t give me any direct answers and worse still, he started saying that even with surgery for the carpal tunnel syndrome, there is no guarantee of relief and complete cure. He also remarked that being a diabetic means that, the healing process could get complicated and for neuropathy, control of diabetes is essential.

I sat there listening to him and not giving into my emotions. First of all, no one expects a guarantee. Life is short and there are no guarantees. Secondly, he did not tell me anything new and worse still, instead of being emotionally aware about the language and tone that he uses, he was trying to put the entire blame on me being a diabetic and making judgements on the control of Type 1 diabetes.

I was sitting in his room thinking … Do you even know the life I have lived and have you walked in my shoes? Do you even know and understand how I have managed and controlled my diabetes for over 35 years ?……

→How many times have you been a victim of being judged by another, though they know nothing of your life?

→How many times have you typecast and stereotyped a person based on their gender, race, figure, and some traits that you may have observed in this person which happens to be the same as another person or group of people you know?

→How many times have you been emotionally unaware of the impact that your tone, your choice of words and indifference creates on your audience?

→Have you honestly tried to see things from the other person’s point of view?

As a doctor, a manager or a person empowered to lead a team or organization, how emotionally intelligent are you? Emotional Intelligence is about being

1.Self-Aware

Self-awareness is the capacity to introspect and the ability to recognize oneself as an individual separate from the environment and other individuals. It is being aware of what impact your behaviors have on others. Having self-awareness allows you to see where your thoughts and emotions are taking you. Knowing this, you are able to take control of your emotions, your behavior and make changes you want.

Clearly the doctor was unaware of the impact his behavior had on me.

2.Self-Regulation

Knowing when to say what and how is crucial for anyone and especially those who are in a position of impact.

3.Motivation

. Being optimistic and realistic and knowing why you do what you do helps you to stay motivated. Doing something without being motivated not only impacts what you do and who you are but also affects the enthusiasm and morale of others.

4.Empathy

Empathy is about putting yourself in someone else’s shoes and seeing things from their perspective. A leader or anyone in a position of impact and influence, has to try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. They cannot allow their moods or the events of their day to affect the way they communicate or behave. Yes they are human and they need to think before they speak and regulate and manage their moods and emotions before they converse with other people.

5.Humanity

We are social animals and we live in the world of communication. It is not only what we say but how we say (tone, body language and facial expression) that has an impact on other people. People who are human are engaging and energizing communicators in that they pay attention to the words, tone of voice and also their body language. They learn to appreciate the value in another person and engage in constructive feedback.

Be direct in your communication and yet be aware that the way you communicate can create doubt, disengagement and mistrust. If you are someone who is in a position to influence others with your behaviors and actions and not able to guard your feelings, and see things from the other person’s point of view, you lack the EI. And in not being emotionally aware, you do not lead by example nor do you inspire others.

→How Emotionally Aware are you?

→How are you becoming EI in your journey of life?

Transitions in life can cause us to be emotionally challenged and overwhelmed, please consult me for one-on-one coaching, group coaching, facilitation or as a speaker on Emotional Intelligence and Transitions.