This site is about my own coming to grips with gender identity, things that interest me, and plots of cetaceans such as porpoises to take over the world.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Fear and Doubt

I wonder if I'd have an easier time deciding what to write about today if I smoked pot. Drugs are something I've never had any real desire to do, thankfully. Still, there are times when writer's block hits and you realize there's very little you can do about, except write on crappily and hope you hit upon something. Maybe I should give up on trying to post once a day. It's not like this is a daily column and I have to write it.

I realize my spiritual journey has been stalled and I have made little progress since I entered the fear stage. This is sort of the thing that keeps me from moving forward in most areas when I really need to make progress and it is something that I must overcome.

It's been the same way throughout most of my life. I always hold myself back instead of doing what might be best for me because I'm afraid of how others will view me. I know I shouldn't care, but this is one of those earliest training things that is so hard to shake off. How often is a young Mormon told that he or she should avoid even the appearance of evil? As slightly twisted things go, this is better than the attitude of “Endure to the End.” (How many Mormons does this keep miserable because they don't do anything to improve the situations they find themselves in? Just continue as things are and you'll be rewarded sometime after you die.)

Add to that considerable self-doubt and doubt about religious experiences related to a family drama that occurred two years ago. I feel that I should be over it, but find it still affects me. Is there anyway to get past fear and self-doubt other than conquering it? Probably not. I just wish there was some magical courage pill that would just cause these issues to go away, but much like my poor coordination, it'll probably continue to plague me for the rest of my life.