Wednesday, January 6, 2010

a couple of days after christmas we were at the movies watching avatar [btw it was good, didn't watch it in 3d but still i almost fell out of my chair] when i got 2 phone calls. i listened to the vm during the movie & it was a woman telling me my dad was in the hospital. after the movie i tried calling the hospital to no avail; so i ended up calling the woman back, she told me my dad has emphysema, his lungs are shot from smoking.

i did finally get through with my dad, but he wasn't very forthcoming other than saying he was tired a lot & tired of having to take himself to the doctor. so i called the woman back again & she told me my father had been mentioning suicide to the nurses.

my dad ended up getting transferred to a local hospital, so i went to see him on sunday. B went with me although we decided it would be better for him to stay out in the waiting room [my dad ignores me if B is present, great family dynamics huh?]. i wasn't sure what i was going to walk into & was surprised at how well he actually was doing. he wasn't on oxygen, his breathing wasn't labored, his color was good, although he was thin as rail, but he was the last time i saw him too.

he had eaten, he talked a lot about everything under the sun & finally he said he was tired [i was cross-eyed]. when i left i asked to speak with the dr to get the truth about my dad's status. the dr told us they were giving my dad methadone for his back pain, his emphysema was bad although he didn't need oxygen, he was almost finished with his tb recovery, he hadn't been eating bc of his back pain & was on suicide watch.

that's a lot to take in.

the next time i visited him, he asked me to bring him a hamburger & fried cheese sticks [for the man who had a heart attack in is 50s & has stints in his veins]. i asked the nurse & at first she said no [which was my choice] but then she said yes, to a grilled chicken sandwich. then when i told her what he wanted she said ok to the hamburger, only once & no fried cheese. then i had to go around & found out my dad's cell phone wasn't charging bc he'd put the charger plug in backwards too many times & both the charger & phone ports were broken.

i didn't stay long for this visit, i was tired before i got there. i did talk with his social worker though, she told me i was listed as his next of kin & decision maker if he's unable to. she asked if i was ok with that? i told her that we weren't close & that i would hope there was someone out there that was closer to him, but if he put me down, i must be it.

i told her one of my main concerns was once he was done with his hospital stay, he shouldn't go back to where he was living. he needs to be in a more social environment, he can choose not to participate in the activities, but if he returns to where he was, it'll just be a matter of time before he's depressed again. i know he has a quite a few major health problems, but i think the loneliness is what's bothering him the most.

i talked with my dad again today & it seems like he thinks can just add water & we'll be an instant family. he talked for over an hour about nothingness. he told me he wants B to take him for a drive so they can talk; i'd already had my fill so i told him he needed to work on his relationship with me not the one with my husband. he told me he wants me to bring him a hamburger every day; i told him his nurse only allowed that one time & he needs to eat healthy food.

i decided i needed to take a break from him; i can't handle this much of him in my life.