I rate every animal

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It’s not often that we at Rate Every Animal have the chance to cover breaking news. But when there’s a brand new animal out there, you need to be able to trust your favorite animal-rater to let you know just how it fares.

The mainstream media has lit up with word of this new creature discovered this month: the iPhone 5. Wait, no, that’s something else. The animal I’m thinking of is known as the lesula.

As you can see, its screen face is taller than ever.

Special powers

The lesula, like the baboon, boasts brightly colored buttocks. And I do mean boasts. The lesula will not shut up about these buttocks. Of course, it’s hard to blame it for its vanity considering even the researcher credited with finding it has remarked, “And adult males have a huge bare patch of skin in the buttocks, testicles and perianal area. It’s a brilliant blue, really pretty spectacular.” So he’s no help when it comes to deflating the lesula’s ego.

Weaknesses

Its vanity (see Special powers).

The lesula is also a tremendously poor guesser. It has never won a game of Battleship in its life. And it’s really sensitive about that fact.

Number of legs

Four.

Do I own a Beanie Baby of it?

Bizarrely, Beanie Babies for this species were discovered a decade before it was. Ty Inc. refuses to comment on the discrepancy. But I don’t have one.

What if it fought a bear?

The lesula is too timid to engage in something as aggressive as close combat. That’s why it would deploy one of its drone strikes against the bear.

Is it noble?

Yes.

Final rating

It’s worth noting its really quite creepy uncanny-valley style eyes. And honestly, why does it even have access to drones in the first place? This thing is new, and we don’t know much about it yet. It had a strong entrance onto the scene, but let’s see how it handles itself in the future. This monkey is one to watch. Those buttocks certainly seem promising.