01/26/2013

Photographer Thea Coughlin, whose transformational online photography class I've been taking over at Squam this month, recently asked us to reflect on our feelings about being both behind and in front of the camera.

Gulp. Sharing all this with you, dear readers, feels pretty brave. But in hope that it will resonate with at least some of you, here's what I wrote:

1. Are you more a witness or a creator photographer? How does that feel to you?

I am a witness photographer. I want to see and illuminate the details, the simple and soulful
moments of interaction and presence that are happening with my
subjects. The life of a stone, or of water, or my children. To be a lens that captures something authentic and important about the world, even if small and simple.
To see my subjects as fully as they deserve to be seen. I don't want
to "create" anything contrived. The moment is happening
and I just want to be grateful for it and there with my lens.

2. Is there something or someone you would like to photograph more?

I want to take more photographs of my environment -- my city, both the open the urban spaces. I want to capture the history, the architectural details. We love it here. Providence is an
important backdrop to this formative time in our family life. I don't know how long we will
live here and I don't want to regret not capturing the spirit of our
place in this time.

I would also like to have more pictures of myself. I am working on putting together 2012 memory books for my children, and I have thousands of pictures to choose from. But there's about ten pictures total with me in them. I am with my children every day! How sad that their memory books will include an "invisible mother," narrating and photographing from the sidelines.

3. How do you feel about being photographed?

I am accustomed to being photographed in a very
posed way. This is how it was in my family growing up. "Smile, say cheese!" I get stressed out getting my picture taken. I want my hair to look good and my makeup
to be done. I want to have time to prepare, to decide about my
clothes, to make it all look effortless... but of
course, it's not.

Trouble is, my life is not like this anymore. I
don't have the luxury of an hour to get ready in the morning. I have
three kids aged 4 and younger. I am lucky if I get a shower at all,
much less time to dry my hair or put any make-up on, much less time to
figure out a cute outfit and have everything laid out and ironed. This
is the way I could have done a photo session with a photographer before
having kids. But not now. It's just not my reality.

Now when I see pictures of myself I feel old. My
skin looks thin, I see discoloration and wrinkles I didn't know were
there. I see my belly pouch, still stretched from having carried three children in
it. I see my flat backside and skinny legs from
not enough strength training or exercise. My eyelids droop. My roots
show. I have a big scar where my neck meets my right shoulder, where the doctors cut out a chunk of melanoma a couple of years ago.

I think I am a perfectly attractive 37 year old
mother of three. I actually have pretty good self-esteem and think I am a
beautiful person, in spite of all I just said above. I am a joyful and loving person, and I have no intentions of erasing my laugh lines or covering my scars.

But there's something about
being photographed that brings out my inner diva, where it's hard for me
to accept a photograph could possibly be beautiful of me if I'm not
prepped, hair and make-up and outfit and all. In reality, I often spend all day
with my unwashed hair in a pony tail, in my sweatshirt and jeans, with
no make up at all. But I am afraid of having anyone's camera see me like
this. Including my own.

4. Do you have any personal blocks that you can release that would enable you to be the photographer you wish to be?

I
am realizing through this journal exercise that there is a disconnect
between the photographer I wish to be -- witnessing and capturing real
moments of my subjects, simply and with soulfulness and intention -- and
my fear of being "seen" or photographed this way.

The vulnerability I
feel about my aging, about the lack of any glamour in my life, about the
raisins stuck to the knees of my jeans and the applesauce on my sleeve... these are things I would want any subject I photograph to overlook, to
realize is part of the authenticity of her life, which makes
these details worthy, and beautiful.

So my work, perhaps, is to go
there myself.

********************************************

Note:
after I journaled about this, I decided, then and there, to set up my
camera and take a self-portrait. This felt so risky, because I was not
wearing any makeup, my hair was pulled back in a sloppy ponytail (with Junebug's plastic hair tie), and I hadn't showered in three
days. But I took a deep breath and set the camera on the edge of my desk, with the timer on. Then I sat in the chair by the window and... click!

Here's the pic, sans any photoshopping. (eek!)

This little step of bravery led me to join Thea's Across the Room Project in February. To see and be seen. To capture what's true.

If
this post resonated with you, maybe you'll join the project, too? If
you are not a "photographer," please don't be intimidated! Beginners
are welcome. I promise you, Thea is wonderful, patient and very
accessible.

01/24/2013

I am excited to share with you a new monthly (or bi-monthly, if I can swing it!) series on the blog: Reflections from Mamas of Multiples.

This month, I asked four of my trusted twin mama friends to weigh in on this question...

What main
strategies did you use to survive the "fourth trimester" (aka months
1-2-3) with infant twins? What couldn't you have done without during that
time?

Response from Laura, mama of boy/girl twins, aged 2.25 years:

Accept help. Just take it. I am a proud person. I like things the way I like
them. Time and money (or lack there of) were my two biggest fears about having
kids. When we found out that we were having two, I doubled up. So, I had a very stern
chat with myself. Pretty, matchy things are not important. How someone cleans
your dishes or cooks you food is much less an issue than it simply getting it
done. Roll with it, lady!

As soon as friends got the word, the hand-me-down floodgates opened. I had
car seats, clothes, cribs, rocking chairs, breast pumps knocking down my door. We
had to buy very little. And, the charming finds in every bag made up for the
occasional dud.

I felt possessive of my maternity leave. Did I really want people all up in our space
for weeks on end? YES! Not everyone can sooth a crying baby but anyone can make
tea and flip the laundry. Some days, that’s what you need most.

When my babies were 2.5 months old, I broke my wrist. It was devastating.
The local birth community rallied around me. For one month, moms that I had
never met made us home cooked meals three nights a week. I didn’t love every
meal but that generosity was a singular beacon of light.

There’s no room for pride with twins. Take any help you can get. It will
free you up to appreciate your amazing children. Or maybe just get some sleep.

***********************************

Response from Kim, mama of boy/girl twins, age 10 months:

The 5 S's in the
Happiest Baby on the Block worked with my babies. They appreciated the
swaddling and swooshing in the ear, especially.

I doubt that I could have managed
on my own without my mom and my husband during those three months. Food prep
and laundry were their collective jobs. I just didn't have the time or energy to
will myself to complete these tasks.

Nursing in tandem using a breast pillow
worked for me. Sleeping when I could sleep was really helpful. And keeping a
food/nursing diary helped to find out what foods to avoid - my son was dairy and
brassica intolerant for a while.

***********************************

Response from Betsy, mama of fraternal twin girls, age 2.5 years:

We took a hiatus from trying to accomplish
anything regarding our household or professional lives. When we were happiest
and most at peace, we organized our days so that everyone got to
sleep and eat and play as much as they needed to in order to remain sane.

***********************************

Response from Sue, mama of identical twin girls, age 2.5 years:

1. First and foremost, we created a
rotating schedule of family and friends, who came and stayed at our house
throughout the first 3 months. We prioritized this kind of help from those who
we knew would be most up to the task (i.e., able to cope with extreme sleep
deprivation, realizing that we would not be cooking for them [ever], likely to
do necessary chores without us having to ask, and understanding that we were
not going to be at our best). We also accepted any and all help that was
offered from other people. If someone said that they’d like to bring us food,
we thanked them and asked them when we could count on the delivery.

2. A hospital-grade pump was also
indispensable. It allowed me to quickly increase my milk supply so that I was
able to feed both of our girls exclusively on breast milk. (Of course, this
won’t work for everyone, but I think it probably helps in increasing supply
above and beyond what it would be otherwise.) In addition, this allowed my husband
(and anyone else who seemed even remotely interested!) to help feed our little
milk-chugging machines.

3. Zoloft. I won’t lie: this was
key.

4. Reassurance from more seasoned
twin moms and dads that the “fourth trimester” doesn’t last forever, and that
the day would soon come when we felt indescribable joy and good fortune to have
had twins.

***********************************

If you are the parent of multiples, feel free to leave your answer to this question in the comments!

My hope is that this is the beginning of building more community for parents of multiples via this multiple realities blog, and to provide useful insights and information for parents, especially moms, of twins and other multiples.

If you'd like to weigh in on future questions, please email me and let me know!

Welcome

Greetings from Providence! I'm Jennifer, working mom of twins + 1. I'm also a writer, educator, activist, seeker, aspiring photographer and maker of things. I juggle multiple realities all the time and this is where I share about it. Thanks for stopping by!