Zack Blows at Dating: Trophy Husbandry

A terrible dating column from a terrible person. This week, Zack gives advice on texting etiquette and becoming a good trophy husband.

BY Zack Wintin

May 02 2014 2:09 PM ET

Clueless Reader: I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. Should I go through his phone and see if he's been talking to someone else?

Clueless Zack: You should only go through your significant other's phone if it's an emergency, and checking to see if he's been texting filthy home wreckers IS an EMERGENCY. People will probably tell you things like, “No don't do that” or “It's an invasion of privacy and trust” but it's your relationship so it's time to pick out some passive-aggressive emojis and rewrite the rules, sister.

I went on a couple dates with a guy, and it seemed like we really hit it off but then he suddenly quit calling and texting. I really like him, so what should I do to get his attention?

Well it sounds like somebody needs to get a little more proactive when it comes to getting what you want. Time to take up a new hobby called archery! There's nothing a bow and arrow can't fix. My advice is to hide outside his apartment and Katniss Everdeen the shit out of his tires. When he arrives to see the aftermath of your Hunger Games, jump out from behind his car and offer to give him a ride to work. It also wouldn't hurt to blame somebody else. Everybody loves a hero!

I keep waiting for a text from a guy I went on a date with but he never texts back. What should I do?

Sounds like you need to take matters into your own hands. And by “matters” I mean a “ladder,” because it's time to set up camp in a tree outside his house. Chances are, you probably freaked him out on the first date by talking about how many cats you own, which is TOTALLY normal. Now grab some binoculars, get up in that tree and do some reconnaissance. So what if he sees you spying on him? It shows heart and dedication. All great team players do it.

My ex keeps saying he wants to get back with me but I'm not sure if I should. What do I do?

You only get back with your ex for one of two reasons: 1. He agrees not to sign a pre-nup or 2. He agrees not to sign a pre-nup. Pretty cut-and-dry. Enjoy your new lake house!

Who pays on a first date if it's two gay guys? Do we just split the bill?

Uh, if you really want to be a trophy husband (and of course you do), he's buying. Just say you left your wallet at home or got mugged at gunpoint right before the date. If he wants to go dutch, I hope you wore good running shoes, because it's time to say “gotta go to the bathroom” and BOUNCE.

Send your requests for terrible dating advice to Zack on Twitter at @Zackblows. He puts his shoes on one foot at a time just like everybody else doing the walk of shame.