Jon Stewart opened The Daily Show on Monday by chiding Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) and other conservatives for their responses to Hillary Clinton’s official entry into the presidential race.

Despite preparing for the former secretary of state’s announcement “since 1978,” Stewart said, the best Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) could offer was a pseudo-dystopian attack ad, while Republican National Committee chair Reince Priebus was handing out thumb drives.

But even that, the host argued, was better than Cruz releasing a short online video criticizing Clinton for representing “the failed policies of the past.”

“Are you f*cking kidding me?” Stewart asked. “Rand Paul’s got Saatchi and Saatchi on the case. Priebus is manufacturing premiums, and you’re banging out a quick Vine on what looks like the set of a 1970s porno shoot?”

But Cruz’s real secret, Stewart joked, was that he was actually holding a panda’s severed head under the camera.

“I knew it,” Stewart said. “First time I saw Cruz I said to myself, ‘I bet that guy chops up pandas.’ He taped that in his panda-chopping dungeon. Nut.'”

Stewart also mockingly impersonated National Rifle Association executive vice-president Wayne LaPierre’s apocalyptic warning to his group’s members last week that electing the former secretary of state would put Americans through “a permanent darkness of deceit and despair.”

“And when you and your children are walking this haunted wasteland, feasting on the bodies of the dead, crying out to God to save you from your cursed existence, you will rue the day you voted for a center-leftish establishment Democrat,” Stewart exclaimed before breaking character and adding, “Holy sh*t.”

Stewart joked that Clinton’s online video announcing her candidacy looked like “a State Farm ad gone viral.” He also noted that the former first lady’s plan to drive from New York to Iowa marked a departure for her.

About the Author

Arturo R. García is the managing editor at Racialicious.com. He is based in San Diego, California and has written for both print and broadcast media, including contributions to GlobalComment.com, The Root and Comment Is Free. Follow him on Twitter at @ABoyNamedArt