The Morning After Kid Nation

Cursing, Threats, Insults, and a brief appearance by God. Without a doubt last night was the best “Kid Nation” yet.

Hey, It’s Paul Scheer (From MTV’s Human Giant) filling in for Mark Zito, who is out sick with tonsillitis. But rest assured, I am just as much of a Kid Nation nerd as Mark is. I even own a Red Bonanza City Competition Jersey that I bought at the CBS store along with a kick ass Jimmy Smits “Cane” bobblehead. But enough about me, let’s get into the show. (By the way, please excuse my grammar…it’s bad. I know. No matter how many comments you leave. It won’t change.)

Last Night’s Episode: “Not Even Close to Fair”

It’s tough to sum up last night’s episode in a sentence but I think Anjay came close when he surveyed the situation by saying, “This is dynamite waiting to happen!” Not a bomb waiting to go off. Not a powder keg ready to explode. It was dynamite waiting to happen. What does he mean exactly? I don’t know. You might think that Anjay mixed metaphors, but I don’t think so. He’s too smart for that. I think he knows something about the actual construction of dynamite that relates perfectly to the situation. Alas we’ll never know.

As the episode starts all hell is breaking loose. These kids have changed. Which finally gives us an answer to the age-old question, “When is innocence lost?” We now know the answer is roughly 25 days after being abandoned by your parents to fend for yourself on a reality TV show. Anyway the Green District is flaunting their shit. Four of their team members have won gold stars. To make matters worse they are acting like Scrooge McDuck as they each take turns dancing and making out with the $20,000 gold star. If there was a giant vault in Bonanza City they would have totally swan dived into it, to swim around in their cash. Anyway seeing this type of behavior pisses off the other kids and the town council is called into action. Time to check the pioneer book for advice.

The pioneer book (which was left for the kids from the 1800’s in case of a reality show) tells the town council to split up the members of their districts. Which is interesting because I wasn’t aware that old west towns were split up in color-coded districts. Just another example of your social studies teacher not telling you the really important shit. After much deliberation every team decides to trade one of their members, except for Laurel. She feels like her district is perfect and doesn’t want to give up anyone. Somehow I think Anjay will take the blame for her selfishness.

The town council finally reveal this major decision to the rest of the kids in the mess hall and the normal stuff happens. Greg gets pissed. DK looks irritated. Morgan is in shock. Taylor shouts, “NO!” Olivia says something snarky but comes across like a weirdo and the Alex (the kid with one tooth and the sunglasses) quietly expresses his discontent.

As each district deals with the fallout from the council’s decisions. Probably the best moment of the night happens when a lollipop totting Jared goes nuts and threatens to kill Guylan in his sleep. YESTHATREALLYHAPPENED! What the F? That kid was quoting Shakespeare last week in a tie dye shirt and now he’s threatening to go all Lady Macbeth on Guylan’s ass. That’s crazy. Jared is so amped up that he decides that it might be best if he locks himself up in the jail cell for the night. Because he fears what he’s capable of. He of course breaks free minutes later with a karate kick. (SPOILERALERT: He doesn’t kill anyone…this week)

Tensions are high all over. In the blue bunkhouse Greg threatens to punch Anjay in the face. I have to wait through a whole commercial break to see what happens. It turns out that Greg doesn’t punch him. He and Olivia just start doing more permanent mental damage by verbally ripping him apart. Poor Anjay. I told you he’d take the blame.

Then we meet Hunter…Hey CBS don’t sneak this kid on me! I’ve never met him and he doesn’t have nearly as many ticks as my other favorite kids. Kid likes Michael who is growing into a more spastic Robin Williams with each passing week.

Time for the competition, this week, they have to literally haul 1 ton of bricks across an obstacle course. It was like watching baby Iron Man. Blue Wins! But they lose the prize, which was billed as the ultimate kids recreation room but it’s really just some shitty airstream camper with Chinese checkers inside.

Before they head back into to town, Guylan tells the rest of the kid nation that he felt that they didn’t work hard enough to win the prize. That really pisses off everyone and it leads to the first bleep of the season. Sophia curses out Guylan. What?! I have no idea what she said but it was long. I feel like it referenced his penis size. Classy. Now instead of diffusing the situation, the Jeff Probst clone just stands there as Greg makes it more awkward by asking the group to raise their hand if they agree with Sophia’s comment, they all do. Poor Guylan.

Back in Bonanza City, we find out that Randy is really upset and I’m like, “Who the Fuck is Randy?” We’ve never met her. This is the 2nd kid they tried to add into the show seamlessly. Not cool. Not cool.

Time to vote. The kids line up to vote for their candidates for Gold Star. No need to watch this. Just F >>> on the Tivo.

Later at the Town Hall meeting. Randy decides to go home but as she announces it. God makes a cameo by starting the most intense thunderstorm outside. God apparently loves Randy. But alas she doesn’t heed the word of God and she decides to leaves anyway. BLASPHERMER! The rain clears up. Blaine gets the gold star (for his fabulous hair). But the celebration is cut short by a surprise election announcement. DK, Michael, Greg and Blaine decide to run against the existing town council members. “Oh Shit! No they didn’t” Then just like R. Kelly does it, the worst words appear, “TO BE CONTINUED…” Which means we have to wait till next time to see who wins and who goes nuts.