Question

Mother emotionally up and down during pregnancy and after childbirth, happier alone, advice pls?

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Single Father, trying his best to understand the strains of pregnancy and postpartum.
Partner is hyper sensitive, crys so easy, beats herself up for letting herself get hurt, then leaves the relationship as a means to solve that situation.
Doing the pregnancy had un healthy thoughts i might harm the baby, throw it off a bridge or drive into a dam. Now she is born and we both are so happy about our little girl, she has un healthy thoughts i'll go to court and take the baby away from her. To the point i watched her have an episode while sleeping of tears and jolts and opening her eyes while asleep to see the baby is there, then going back into this crazed panic state.. so much so it made the dog start to bark... until i woke her up with cuddles.
So had no idea, said she just dozed off, then i told her what i had just witnessed and she could feel the wetness from the tears. Then started to tell me of these fears she has i'll take the baby away.
Any idea ladies?

Mom Answers

I think what i'd like to hear from women on here is... what was your PND like?
Seems the stereotypical imagine of it is being depressed, not wanting to be a Mum, wanting harm baby or yourself.
Yet i have found from speaking with Mums that went through PND, is it can be TOTALLY different in symptoms.
Lots of Mums loved being a Mum, and loved their baby, but just had unhealthy thoughts about their partner or strangers etc They also looked beautiful every day, wore make, were out going etc.
I think this is the biggest problem, when you try and suggest to someone they might be having issues that are not"'normal" or "normal for them", they just shun you, because so much in their life is ok and good, and the stereotypical symptoms of PND aren't there..... So in their mind, everything is fine.

Mother and Baby just left after another visit, this time it was much better, no tears.
It seems she is leveling out, but feels that the situation she has made for herself (being single is the reason it is now working so much better).
Yet i get up the is morning and was showered and dressed nice, and she came out of her bedroom, took one look at me and ran to me for a cuddle and kiss and couldn't stop telling me how good i looked and smelt????
Then once she realised i had taken the bait and wanted to kiss and hold her, she backed away??? Mixed messages once again.
She has had a passed where a lot of guys stopped her from living her dreams, so know she wants to do it all on her own (her words), and she doesn't seem to realise, what she is doing to me, is EXACTLY what she resents all these past partners for. But at least she seems to be kind of coming around. The not talking about PND has helped her, because she doesn't fell threatened. But not dealing with it, is not solving a thing.

I had very severe PPD and anxiety issues. After struggling for 3 mo, medication and therapy helped me. A PPD group really helped a lot! It is a completely crazy time, for both of you. I'm sorry you're going through this. Please look for local resources for PPD help, there are often groups at your local hospital and your OB should also know of a social worker/therapist in your medical group who can help. Good luck, hang in there.

You have summed it up very well, that is exactly what is going on. As i did suggest that to her and she agreed.
The baby is giving her all the love and intimacy she needs, she is even too scared to have another child, because she is not even sure how she could love another as much as this one.
She also gets all the platonic day to day conversation from a close gay friend that has taken my role in her business and is really helping her out.
So out side sex, she pretty much has all bases covered.
But you are so right, all i do is be there as a friend and father. I have worked out it is not my role to play therapist in our relationship or her affairs, as it will only come back to bit me and make me look like the enemy even more so.
Funny, as in every other aspect she is the perfect loving partner, happy to come and visit, happy to bring food and things for my home, happy to be cuddled, happy to say she loves me... But if she gets any idea i want more, she mores away fast.

You sound like a loving and kind person/father and its a shame that your ex is having a hard time trusting you. It sounds like you're doing all the right things but maybe try not to rush things. I was with my partner for 5 years before we had our son and as soon as he was born I realised I had more love for my baby than I had ever had for my partner. I loved my baby so much that my partner almost became unimportant, I wasn't interested in having sex with him and I didn't really care if he was around or not. I felt as though I didn't realy love my partner anymore but only because the love I felt for my baby was so much stronger. Maybe your ex just feels as tho shes getting all the love she needs from your daughter and she doesn't have to worry about being hurt emotionally if you're not around. Keep trying to stay involved and in her life but try not to push the PND issue as it may just make her push you out more but make sure she knows your their to talk or help

I feel so helpless now... Like anything i do only makes the situation worse.
It seems, i am the ONLY person that can hurt her. And everyone else can make her happy. It is so hurtful and upsetting for me. I do know she enjoys her time with me, and coming to my house with our daughter lets her relax and escape. We still love each other at a platonic level. I guess a level where my Ex feels safe she can not get hurt again.
And maybe i am wrong.... God knows i am starting to doubt myself (thats why i ask on here) as maybe she is happier alone, and doesn't want a traditional family with me at all.
Although this weekend she cried for the fact that she "never" got married and had children when she was young. That having our daughter has made her realise the love she can have for a little life and that she regrets not having that opportunity to have a family of 4 children when she was in her 20's. She has been very hurt by some previous partners in her life.
I know she see's the same in me.

This time she wasn't as receptive of my sexual/loving advances, but was happy to enjoy the moment... Until it went a bit too far, then the tears started, she closed up, wrapped her arms around herself and started to cry.
I felt so terrible... it went from loving to horrible in a heartbeat.
She explained to me that what i was doing brought up bad memories of when she was sexually assaulted as a young girl by her brother.
I did know of this situation, but thought it was long gone, i feel so horrible for making her relive those thoughts, i am so angry with myself.
She has made this perfect trip to come and see me and bring our baby, and now its ended in tears, which is all she will remember of the stay now, being upset.... again.
I then tried to use this moment to say i was worried about her, the hormones and PND and lack of sleep. She just turned and looked at me with evil cold eyes. She saw me as the enemy, and once again, told me she was fine and everything was ok in her world.

Ok, we just visited again with the baby. It was for my Birthday.
We had a wonderful 3 days, the girls have there own room at my house, but my partner wanted me to stay in with them sometimes.
There was even a moment of pleasure when i was giving her a massage which brought her to orgasm (no sex, just foreplay stuff i was doing on her) She couldn't have sex with me, that would be crossing a line with her.
We continued to enjoy the day, board games, drinks, she cooked a wonderful dinner.
I have tried so carefully to bring up the subject, but she will not have a bare of it. Say's she is fine and just doesn't understand why people worry about her, because in words, "There is nothing wrong with me".
She seems so defensive, that she is being picked on and that "Why is it all my fault" type comments.
This morning, we had another little play in bed, i was just hugging her and kissing her back, i went to kiss between her legs before they went home, and the tears started.

I can relate -- definitely postpartum depression it sounds like. Its really difficult for her to even though you are also enduring hardship. It can get better but she should talk with someone - her OB would be a good start. Sorry you are going through this but its so hard on her too....Prayers...

I can relate to your wife as I too was waking up thinking I had dropped my baby in the bed or had fallen asleep holding him and just waking up in absolute panic. Is your baby sleeping well?? Because although she may feel like she is coping, it may be the lack of sleep just taking a toll on her body and mind. Your doing the right thing by making sure you give her plenty of cuddles but keep offering to look after your baby while she has a proper nap or send her to go and get a massage. Giving her some rest and ME time might really help her to just get a break because that's exactly what I needed. Her life is now revolving around this little baby and it is demanding and this combined with the lack of sleep may make her feel anxious and scared that something may happen to her little baby. Be supportive and keep communicating with her, ask her what she needs or if there is anything you can do to help her more. Hope this provides any help

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