While most women would not be aligned with this cause, Cruz does have one guy in his corner: author Mack Major, who recently penned an impassioned Facebook post arguing that dildos are the work of the devil and female masturbation is but one brick on the footpath that leads to eternal damnation.

Major — author of the charmingly titled tome Diva, Goddess, Queen: Breaking the Power of Soul Ties, Lust and Sexual Demons — posted on the Facebook page for Christian publisher Eden Decoded:

"Too many Christian women are losing their salvation because they masturbate," the post read. "Dildos and all of those other sex toys have been used for thousands of years in demonic sex rituals. It's one of the main ways ancient pagan societies worshiped their demonic gods."

Major added that masturbation is a "direct path to Satan. There's nothing normal about it. And shame on any Christian that says so."

Hear that, ladies? Your compulsive wanking is a roadblock to your eternal salvation, so stop playing with your vagina and start, we don't know, knitting sweaters for rabbits or donating canned meats to inner-city middle schools or singing hymns door-to-door or whatever the hell good Christian folk do in their off time.

So Major's actually right about one thing here: Dildos have been used for fertility rites in pagan rituals, as well as in ancient Greece, so women could get off while their husbands were off fighting in war. He also might be right that flicking the bean absentmindedly during Magic Mike 2 is the first brick on the pathway to hell. We don't know. We've never been there, so we can't say for sure.

If that is the case, though, hell is going to be pretty freaking crowded, considering an estimated 95% of men and 89% of women report having masturbated at some point in their lives.

To be fair to Major, his most recent post is extremely on-brand. In his ebook Hedonism: Destroying Demonic Sexual Strongholds, Major writes that "people who cannot control the urge to masturbate or watch pornography are almost always plagued with a sexual devil," and that tugging the ol' whoopie stick might very well summon those sex demons:

Unfortunately for Major and all those other souls on the path to salvation, that passage is actually the hottest thing we've ever read. If that doesn't make you want to go home and play with yourself immediately, nothing will.