Honestly, don’t even watch this video where I definitely won the Texas Exes Chili Cook-off in New York City using the Magary family chili recipe. If you do, you’ll just see that I had a super easy and not sad time gathering the votes it took to annihilate the competition and validate my hubris.

If you must watch the video, I would ask you to please not spoil it for anyone here because they will probably be confused. Actually, I’m confusing myself just writing about it. You know what, it’s cool to be the definite winner and making my Deadspin colleagues proud. There, I said it, that’s what this video is about. Not about confronting the drawbacks of hyper-competitiveness, not about seeing my own failings and improving upon them, but about everyone seeing what great WINNERS my associates and I are.