Peaceful Parenting from the Start: Pregnancy and Beyond

I wanted to talk about peaceful parenting from the start today, because I feel like a lot of Peaceful Parenting resources focus on peacefully parenting toddlers and older kids, but the newborn and pregnancy phase is skipped altogether.

I’m not sure why it isn’t talked about, because those early stages of development and bonding are so, so important.

Now, before we get started, I do want to give a disclaimer. Pregnancy, birth, and newborn stuff are all in the realm of medical issues, and I do want to point out that I am not a doctor. So, nothing that we talk about today is intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice. Definitely talk to a qualified physician if you have questions or concerns.

Okay, with all that out of the way, let’s dive in!

From the moment you find out you’re expecting a little one, tons of emotions wash over you all at once. Joy, fear, gratitude, worry, love, hope….maybe even panic or sadness, depending on your circumstance.

All of a sudden, you question everything you do. Should I drink coffee this morning? Is it okay to take a hot shower? Which prenatal vitamins should I take?

Nearly all your thoughts are consumed with this new life growing inside you. The Bible verse, “Pray without ceasing,” (1 Thessalonians 5:17) takes on a new meaning, as you constantly whisper prayers for your baby.

3 Ways to Parent Peacefully During Pregnancy

There are many ways you can start practicing peaceful parenting during pregnancy, but today we’re going to talk about three.

Now, obviously you aren’t going to be yelling at your unborn baby or threatening to put them in time out, but nevertheless, pregnancy is an important time for you to build a firm foundation for peaceful parenting throughout your parenthood journey.

Manage your stress.

If there was ever a time to master stress management, this is it! Lots of stress can cause health problems and studies have shown that mom’s stress may also affect the baby, too.

If you’re going through a particularly difficult time, be sure to reach out and talk to a counselor. Working through any “baggage” you may be carrying from past hurts will help you be better prepared to peacefully parent.

Another thing you can do is start practicing meditation. I like to search YouTube for “guided relaxation” exercises. You can also find videos of encouraging scripture verses being read, which is also great to meditate on.

Research everything.

When I was pregnant with my first, I read everything I could get my hands on about pregnancy symptoms and fetal development. While those things were important, I was very unprepared for all the decisions I’d have to make once my baby was born.

I hadn’t informed myself enough to make good choices for her, and that is something I deeply regret to this day.

Be sure to research everything you can about birth, breastfeeding, newborn sleep, attachment parenting, electromagnetic field exposure from cell phones/computers, safe personal care items, medication safety, and anything else you can think of. You’ll want to be equipped with all the knowledge your brain can hold so that you can make the best choices for yourself and your baby.

Nurture your unborn baby.

While you can’t physically cuddle your baby, there are many things you can do while pregnant to start building a close bond and laying the foundation for peaceful parenting.

Around the middle of your second trimester, your baby can hear sounds! You can begin to read books, sing songs, pray aloud, and speak words of affirmation over him or her.

You can also nurture your baby by rubbing your belly, which is really like a natural instinct for moms to do!

3 Ways to Parent your Newborn Peacefully

Plan a peaceful birth

If you think about it, your baby has been floating around in a warm bath, snug in a dark cozy environment for nine months. It must be a very rude awakening to be born into a loud, cold, bright world!

To make the transition easier on them, plan on birthing in a peaceful environment. I planned for a peaceful, natural birth with my first baby, but I didn’t do the first thing to prepare my body for actually handling labor and giving birth.

I ended up having an emergency c-section that was far from peaceful.

With my youngest two children, I planned a gentle cesarean with immediate skin-to-skin and both of those births were beautiful, peaceful experiences.

Delay or skip “routine” procedures.

Unless you’re having a homebirth, most likely your baby will be poked, prodded, injected, suctioned, and subjected to many more painful experiences unless you specify otherwise in your birth plan.

According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, newborns experience “too much pain” from “routine procedures.” The AAP says that prevention of pain in newborns should be the goal, not only because it is ethical but also because repeated painful exposures have the potential for harmful consequences.

Of course, every baby is different, and each circumstance is unique, but many times you can choose to skip or delay painful procedures.

Be sure to do thorough research on anything that comes into contact with your baby, whether it’s an injection, a medication, a heel prick, or a medical procedure.

Specifically, routine infant circumcision is one procedure you can skip entirely to save your son a lot of stress and pain. Peacefully welcoming your son without cutting off a healthy, valuable body part is really important.

As Christian moms, we know that God designed the human body with a perfect plan and called it “very good.” (Genesis 1:31)

The Bible also tells us that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalm 139:14)

God created every part of your child with value and purpose. Respecting God’s design and your son, is the ultimate way to start his life off peacefully. Circumcision is unnecessary from a Biblical and a medical perspective. Not only is circumcision extremely painful and harmful, but it also carries the risk of infection and even death. I do hope you’ll research this further. Recommended reading: LittleImages.org and YourWholeBaby.org

Breastfeed if you can

Not only does breastfeeding have a plethora of health benefits for both mom and baby, but it is also a great way to start off with peaceful parenting.

Breastfeeding and skin-to-skin contact are great ways to bond with your baby. This bond is so important because it lasts a lifetime. The close-knit feeling you have between yourself and your baby will last through the difficult toddler years and well beyond.

Breastfeeding also releases hormones that cause you to feel relaxed. The hormone oxytocin is called the “love hormone” because of its role in helping you feel more loving and nurturing toward your baby.

Just to recap, you can start your peaceful parenting journey even in pregnancy and in those precious newborn days. There are tons of ways to do that, and we’ve talked about just a few today. I hope this episode has inspired you to prayerfully consider all the many choices you have to make when you’re expecting a bundle of joy, and really do your homework so that you can be prepared to parent peacefully right from the start.

Join Marianna Chambers as she talks about practical ways to become a more peaceful parent. Having children is a wonderful blessing, but it can also be quite stressful. Every day we hear from moms just like you who are struggling to be the gentle parent they want to be. Moms desperately want to raise their children on a firm foundation of love, but those sweet kids sure know how to push our buttons. (And boy, do they push them!)

Marianna Chambers is a counselor, parenting coach, blogger, homeschool mom, and best-selling author. She’s passionate about supporting and encouraging moms. You can follow her on Facebook and Instagram, or read her blog here. You can also join her private Facebook group for Christian moms on a peaceful parenting mission.

Peacefully parenting through sibling struggles

I’ve been meaning to do a podcast on sibling relationships for quite a while now.

But honestly, each time I thought I’d cracked the code on peaceful sibling relationships, something would happen and my kids would prove me wrong.

Then I realized my thinking was flawed. No one has “cracked the code” on anything in parenting! Should any of us get that cocky, I guarantee something will happen to knock us off of our pedestal.

The one thing that I want to point out before we dive into this topic is, there are many, many different variables to every situation.

There’s birth order, age differences, personality traits, gender roles…so many things come into play when it comes to sibling relationships.

8 Do’s and Don’ts for Handling Sibling Struggles

1- Don’t play favorites

It’s so easy to show favoritism to one child over another. In fact, we may not even realize we’re doing it!

2- Do spend 1:1 time with each child

When we invest our time and energy, pouring into each child individually, they don’t need to act out for attention.

3- Don’t put a child in the role of parent

Try not to ask an older sibling to discipline or “parent” their younger sibling.

4- Do encourage and facilitate positive interactions between them.

Provide opportunities for each child to fill the others’ love bank.

5- Don’t jump in and try to solve their disagreements for them.

Moms love to fix things! But in most circumstances, we need to give them space to sort through things themselves.

6- Do teach your kids how to communicate their feelings with each other.

Teach your children how to use “I statements” to communicate calmly and clearly how they’re feeling. This skill will last them a lifetime!

7- Don’t forget that each child has their own unique personality.

Have you ever worked with someone who’s personality just clashed with yours? Some siblings just have personalities that clash. Be sure to pray for your child’s sibling relationships and push through the difficult times.

8. Speak to your kids the way you want them to speak to each other.

If you snap at your kids and speak harshly to them, chances are they will do the same to each other. It’s up to us to model gentle and kind communication.

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In this episode of Peaceful Mom Talk, we’re going to talk about the struggles of peacefully parenting the spirited child, plus practical strategies to end the power struggles once and for all.

What is a spirited child?

A spirited child has sometimes been described as “difficult” or “sensitive” or “hard-to-parent.” Spirited children can be very energetic, questions authority, engages in power struggles, etc.

You may have a spirited child if you’ve tried everything, but they still don’t listen or obey.

So how can we support our spirited child and bring more harmony to the family?

Let’s be intentional about how we speak to our children. Spirited children often receive more negative messages than average.

One thing we can do is put ourselves in their shoes to imagine how it feels to be barraged with negative messages. Then, we can be intentional about replacing negative messages with positive ones.

We also must stop comparing. Each child is made in the image of God. Each child is unique. When we compare our child to others, that really does damage to their self-esteem.

As parents, we must have the faith that our spirited child will be okay.

The thing is, the same qualities we worry about with our kids, we admire in adults!

An adult who is energetic, confident enough to question authority, persistent..those are great qualities to have. So shifting our perspective a bit to view these traits as a good thing, rather than something to be admonished.

We must also be careful to notice the good in our spirited children.

Most of the time, we notice when they’re doing something “bad” or “wrong” and we call them out on it. But we must also be careful affirm our kids and notice when they’ve done something well.

Power struggles in the spirited child

We must let our spirited children have some control.

If you’re a mom who likes to be in control, you probably enter tons of power struggles with your child. A spirited child doesn’t like being told what to do and how to do it.

We need to consider giving them the freedom to get things done their way. If you try to force a spirited child to do something your way, they will resist.

Understand that many times, defiance and frustration equals anxiety. Anxiousness is sometimes hard for children to verbalize. When we have a child who experiences anxiety, we must be very careful not to name-call or be overly harsh with them.

We have to try to avoid labels like “rude” or say things like, “what were you thinking?!”

Resources for parenting the spirited child

Join Marianna Chambers as she talks about practical ways to become a more peaceful parent. Having children is a wonderful blessing, but it can also be quite stressful. Every day we hear from moms just like you who are struggling to be the gentle parent they want to be. Moms desperately want to raise their children on a firm foundation of love, but those sweet kids sure know how to push our buttons. (And boy, do they push them!)

Marianna Chambers is a counselor, parenting coach, blogger, homeschool mom, and best-selling author. She’s passionate about supporting and encouraging moms. You can follow her on Facebook and Instagram, or read her blog here. You can also join her private Facebook group for Christian moms on a peaceful parenting mission.

The holidays can sometimes be super-stressful and can leave even the most peaceful of moms feeling snappy with her kids.

As we’ve talked about before, stress is a really common trigger. Moms who are stressed and overwhelmed are much more likely to yell at their kids. Since our goal is peaceful parenting, let’s dive in and talk about some common stressors, and how you can alleviate those to avoid blowing up at your family.

1. Family relationship stress

The first common stressor that we have during the holidays is family dynamics. Around the holidays, most people have to interact with family or friends who they may not get along with, or who may be outright toxic.

We may dread coming face to face with that one person who always seems to push our buttons. We might even daydream about how we can avoid that person altogether.

While we may not be able to avoid family drama, we can control how we respond to it. In order to make family encounters less stressful, be sure to set some boundaries with yourself. If someone pushes your buttons, you don’t have to engage with them. Just don’t take the bait! It isn’t worth it.

Be sure to take breaks as often as you can. Stepping out for some fresh air every now and then can help you regain your composure and remind yourself not to take things personally.

2. Financial stress

The holidays can get really expensive. Between buying gifts, decorations, stocking stuffers…oh, and don’t forget all the extra food for Christmas dinner. Plus travel expenses if you have to go out of town…whew! It really begins to add up!

If we’re stressed out about money, this could distract us from the things that truly matter, and could compound other stressors.
One way to combat the money stress is to understand that less is sometimes more. It’s okay to cut corners sometimes!

No one will notice if you have three side dishes instead of four. If someone gets a gift that’s on clearance, they will appreciate the thought.
Also, don’t under-estimate the power of sentimental or homemade gifts. One of my favorite gifts I ever received was a sweet hand-written letter from a relative. It honestly meant more to me than any store-bought gift could have ever.

And chances are, the gifts you get your kids will end up broken or not played with. The kids will remember how you made them feel, not what you bought them. They’ll value the time you spend with them, way more than any gift money can buy.

3. The stress of high expectations

The holidays are such a meaningful time of year, usually filled with good, nostalgic memories of the past and we often dream about the perfect Christmas.

We might imagine our family happily decorating a magazine-worthy Christmas tree. But reality looks much different. In real life, the kids are fighting over whether we should use white lights or colorful lights, your favorite ornament falls to the floor and breaks into a thousand pieces, and the tree falls over as soon as you put the star on top.

So how do we fight against the stress of high expectations? Well, one thing we can do is to remind ourselves that things rarely turn out the way we imagine they will. Having high expectations for how things will go, or how someone will react to a gift, really sets ourselves up for failure or hurt feelings.

It’s best to keep our expectations low, not saying that we should be pessimistic, but just more rooted in reality. We don’t have to over-complicate things for them to be meaningful or special.

4 The stress of busyness

The holidays are the busiest time of year. There’s shopping to do, cards to write and address, recipes to cook, gifts to wrap, parties to attend, decorations to put up…and don’t forget the added pressure to make sure your children have special memories and are sufficiently taught the true meaning of Christmas.

And that’s on top of the normal stuff like laundry, dishes, and school work. I’m tired just thinking about all that!
Being super busy can lead to exhaustion and burn out. It can also cause us to miss out on the small moments. The holidays come and go and we were too busy to enjoy them or soak up the moments.

This year, let’s be intentional about saying no so that we don’t have to be quite so rushed. If someone asks you to volunteer to host a Christmas party, don’t feel obligated to say yes. It’s perfectly okay to say, “I wish I could, but I can’t this year.”
Or if you’re asked to bake cookies or coordinate something and you’re already stretched too thin, just say no. “I’d love to help, but no, not this time,” is a perfectly acceptable response.

You also don’t have to attend every function you’re invited to. We have a large extended family and it is literally impossible for us to be in five places at once. My thought is this…if a family member is THAT upset you can’t make it to Christmas, perhaps they could spend some time with you one of the OTHER 364 days of the year.

About guilt…

And let me add, you can say no without the stress of guilt. I know what it’s like to be a people-pleaser. I know what it’s like to experience guilt when you can’t do something or when you have to say no.

So friend, if you’re feeling guilty or stressed about any of these things, take a deep breath…and give yourself permission to let it go. Replace that guilt with thankfulness and joy. You got this!

Join Marianna Chambers as she talks about practical ways to become a more peaceful parent. Having children is a wonderful blessing, but it can also be quite stressful. Every day we hear from moms just like you who are struggling to be the gentle parent they want to be. Moms desperately want to raise their children on a firm foundation of love, but those sweet kids sure know how to push our buttons. (And boy, do they push them!)

Marianna Chambers is a counselor, parenting coach, blogger, homeschool mom, and best-selling author. She’s passionate about supporting and encouraging moms. You can follow her on Facebook and Instagram, or read her blog here. You can also join her private Facebook group for Christian moms on a peaceful parenting mission.

Today we’re going to talk about perfectionist parenting pitfalls. If you have any perfectionistic tendencies or if you expect perfection from your kiddos, this episode is for you.

Recently, I was watching an episode of Shark Tank. One young woman pitched the sharks for an investment in their company, but the potential investors noticed one big problem with this particular entrepreneur…she was a perfectionist. Mark Cuban said something really profound.

He said, “Perfection is the enemy of profitability.” And in business that’s so true. But it got me thinking… perfection is also the enemy of peaceful parenting.

Think about it. When we hold ourselves to impossibly high standards…when we hold our children to impossibly high standards…when we try to control every little detail…it just doesn’t work. We feel frustrated and overwhelmed, and that’s when we snap. That’s when we start yelling or nagging … we lose control because we were never in control to start with!

So let’s talk about 4 pitfalls of perfectionist parenting and how we can avoid them

Perfectionist parenting discourages kids from being kids

I think one common frustration a lot of parents have is that they expect their children to behave perfectly 100% of the time. Many parents expect a level of maturity from their children that’s well beyond what they are capable of.

Many concerns we moms have about our kids are just normal developmental phases for our children. For example, it’s normal for kids to have a lot of energy.

It’s normal for kids to struggle to sit still for long periods of time. Kids spill their juice. They get mud on their shoes. They argue with their siblings. It just happens.

The key is to not shame them for their mistakes. We’re all human, and no one is perfect but God.

When kids feel safe to make mistakes, they feel more willing to take risks, more willing to come to you when they have a problem, and more willing to try new things.

Perfectionist parenting notices the negative

When we’re focused on being the perfect parent or having our children behave perfectly, we tend to notice every imperfection…every little negative detail that isn’t perfect.

This is a slippery slope because it can make your child feel like they can’t do anything right…that nothing is good enough to please you.

When a child feels like they aren’t good enough, their self-esteem starts to suffer. They also tend to withdraw and put up walls between the two of you. They may appear more distant…or they may act out even further.

Instead of noticing the negative, let’s be intentional about noticing the positive. What is it about your child’s character that you admire? How can you affirm or encourage them?

It may be something simple, like leaving a sticky note beside their bed. Or, you may want to plan something a little bigger, like a mother-daughter getaway or dinner date out.

Let’s be sure to remind our kids that they are loved unconditionally — the love that we have for them is a no-matter-what type of love. A love so big, so wide, and so deep, that it mimics in a small way, the love the Father has for us.

Perfectionist parenting doesn’t leave room for fun

When we’re busy trying to control or manipulate every situation…or when we’re living in a fantasy of what we’d hoped things would be like, we tend to be caught up in that.

When our kids have to be perfect … make perfect grades, perform perfectly in sports or music, behave perfectly all the time, that’s a heavy burden for them to carry.

Sometimes it’s just nice to kick off our shoes and have an impromptu dance party in the kitchen. Or make up silly jokes and laugh until you cry.

It’s okay to have fun and be silly!

Perfectionist parenting sets yourself up for failure

When we, as moms, hold ourselves to perfection in our parenting, we’re doomed to fail. As I’ve said many times, there’s no such thing as the perfect parent.

As someone who liked to make straight A’s in school, this is a bit of a tough pill to swallow. But, I decided to give it a try in my own life. Maybe not striving for B-, but maybe A- to start with. And let me tell you, it was so freeing. Every time I tried to be a perfectionist, I told myself, “Strive for B-. Everything doesn’t have to be A+.” And it worked!

It totally goes against the grain of who I am, but striving for B- instead of perfection is definitely something I’m learning how to do.

I think it’s similar to parenting. If we strive for A+ parenting 100% of the time, it can leave us feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated, and defeated.

The next time you blow it at your kids, remind yourself that you don’t have to be an A+ mom all of the time. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s apart of life!

Give yourself permission to take it slow and be patient with yourself as you learn to let go of some of these perfectionistic tendencies we talked about. Today is a new day to choose grace, encouragement, and freedom.

Join Marianna Chambers as she talks about practical ways to become a more peaceful parent. Having children is a wonderful blessing, but it can also be quite stressful. Every day we hear from moms just like you who are struggling to be the gentle parent they want to be. Moms desperately want to raise their children on a firm foundation of love, but those sweet kids sure know how to push our buttons. (And boy, do they push them!)

Marianna Chambers is a counselor, parenting coach, blogger, homeschool mom, and best-selling author. She’s passionate about supporting and encouraging moms. You can follow her on Facebook and Instagram, or read her blog here. You can also join her private Facebook group for Christian moms on a peaceful parenting mission.

Today we’re going to talk about peaceful parenting fails – when you want to parent peacefully, but you just seem to blow it time and time again.

If I’m being completely honest, I have to tell you that sometimes I feel like the biggest hypocrite getting on here and trying to help other moms parent more peacefully.

The reason is, I’m not a peaceful parent 100% of the time. I want to be.
But I’m not.

And I’ve talked to so many of you, too. So many listeners deeply desire to build a close connection with their kids. They want to stop yelling. So many moms want to be a positive, peaceful parent.

And we try! But we fail over and over again.

4 Reasons why Moms Struggle with Peaceful Parenting

1. We don’t have realistic expectations.

The fact of the matter is, toddlers whine and cry. Kids whine and cry. They’re literally not able to sit still for a long period of time. They are full of energy and life. Kids are curious, chatty, and they ask “why” a million times a day.

That’s just developmentally normal.

Sometimes I forget that my two-year-old is only two. It seems silly to say that out loud. But I sometimes forget that it’s developmentally appropriate for her to tantrum and push limits.

Many times we feel frustrated with our children because we expect them to behave a certain way that is outside of the realm of realistic possibility.

When we lower our expectations and remind ourselves of what’s developmentally normal for their age, this can help us to feel more compassionate and be more patient with them.

2. We struggle with our own emotions.

So many brave mamas said that anxiety, depression, stress, and feelings of overwhelm absolutely prevented them from being the peaceful parent that they want to be.

If you’ve never experienced depression or anxiety, I don’t know that you can fully comprehend how difficult it is.

I feel like some people minimize how difficult these struggles can be or how profound the suffering really is. You might think that your loved ones are just being dramatic or exaggerating how bad their symptoms are.

But for some people, anxiety and depression (or any other emotional health struggle) can be really debilitating.

I know for me personally, when I’m feeling really anxious or panicky, it can make me feel really irritable.

When I’m stressed or overwhelmed, I know that my tone of voice isn’t as gentle or nurturing as it would be if I were feeling peaceful and calm.

So if you’re listening to this podcast today and you feel that depression or anxiety causes you to struggle with parenting peacefully, just know that you are not alone.

And you can take steps today to help yourself finally feel better. For some, it may mean continuing on with the treatment regimen you’re already doing. Putting one foot in front of the other.

For others, today might be the day that you finally reach out for help. You might make that phone call to your doctor or to a counselor you trust.

Whatever you decide, you don’t have to suffer alone.

3. We’re not taking care of ourselves physically

As moms, we often put everyone else ahead of ourselves. (Which is oftentimes very necessary!)

But there are certain things that are non-negotiable.

The biggest one being sleep.

I know sleep is a loaded subject for moms. If our kids don’t sleep well, we don’t sleep well. And even if our kids are sleeping well, we tend to stay awake worrying about them or running around preparing for the next day.

But the bottom line is, we have to prioritize sleep in our lives. Again, if you have a newborn or a baby who doesn’t sleep through the night, I know it may not be possible to wake up in the morning feeling totally rested.

Along with getting more sleep also comes diet and exercise. I know that personally, I feel so much better in general when I’m getting tons of veggies and doing a bit of exercise.

My family and I love to take evening walks together. There’s just something about being in the sunshine and fresh air that makes me feel so much better.

4. We’re relying on our own strength

If we’re able to succeed at parenting peacefully the majority of the time, it won’t be because of our own determination or willpower.

It will be because God is faithful and He is our strength.

Psalm 46:1 says, “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.”

Friends, I want to encourage you today. If you feel like a failure at this peaceful parenting thing, you’re not.

No mom is perfect.

So, remember that even in the most stressful difficult times in your parenting journey with your children that God will be one that really is our strength and he will help us in the difficult times.

Each day is a new day for us to love, nurture and support our children in all that God desires them to be. Lastly, remember that God loves you very much, you are his child and he delights in you, and he is always there for you.

Special Thanks to Our Network Sponsor – Change is in the Air Movie

This story embraces the imperfections that make us human, offers a way to set ourselves free and asks us all to take a good, long look at the wild birds in the sky.

Join Marianna Chambers as she talks about practical ways to become a more peaceful parent. Having children is a wonderful blessing, but it can also be quite stressful. Every day we hear from moms just like you who are struggling to be the gentle parent they want to be. Moms desperately want to raise their children on a firm foundation of love, but those sweet kids sure know how to push our buttons. (And boy, do they push them!)

Marianna Chambers is a counselor, parenting coach, blogger, homeschool mom, and best-selling author. She’s passionate about supporting and encouraging moms. You can follow her on Facebook and Instagram, or read her blog here. You can also join her private Facebook group for Christian moms on a peaceful parenting mission.

Becoming a Peaceful Parent: The 5 Stages of Change

I have the amazing privilege of talking with many moms. Nearly all of them have different parenting styles, convictions, and goals…but one of the things that most of them have in common is that they desire to parent more peacefully.

The moms I speak with want to stop yelling at their kids. They desperately desire to keep calm under stress, but desire doesn’t actually bring about real change. It’s just one step in the process.

Today, we are going to discuss the five stages of change as it relates to parenting. By the end of this podcast, you’ll be able to see where you fall on this change continuum and you’ll also know what you need to do moving forward to get the results you want.

First, I’d like to give you a little background on the stages of change. The five stages of change were first developed by two researchers named Carlo C. DiClimente and J.O. Prochaska.

They first introduced the five stages of change in order to help professionals working with patients who struggled with addiction. (Stay with me, though! These stages aren’t just for people with addiction struggles, but for people who wish to make any type of behavior modification.)

Precontemplation

The first stage of change is precontemplation, which is basically a fancy word for, “I ain’t doin’ it.”

If you’re in the precontemplation stage, you don’t think there’s a problem with your parenting style.

If you come across an article on “how to stop yelling at your kids,” it might ruffle your feathers. You aren’t thinking about changing your behavior at all.

Contemplation

The second stage of change is contemplation. I believe that many, many moms are in this stage of change. If you’re in the contemplation stage, you may be thinking to yourself, “Hmm, I really need to stop yelling at my kids.” Or, “I really want to be more self-controlled and not lose my temper so much.”

You might also be weighing the pros and cons of shifting your parenting style.

Now in this stage of change, it’s so easy to get stuck here. I personally know several moms who have pitched a tent and camped in the contemplation stage for YEARS. They feel hopeless to make a change, or they may lack the motivation or energy to try it.

If this is you, I want to encourage you that change comes not by our own might, willpower, or patience, but by the power of the Holy Spirit.

If you feel stuck, be sure to spend some time with God in worship and in prayer. Ask Him to give you the ability to change.

Preparation

In the preparation stage, you now believe that you MUST make changes to your parenting style. The realization that you’re losing your child has hit you like a ton of bricks.

You start taking baby steps…perhaps reading articles on peaceful parenting. You might even buy a book on how to parent more peacefully.

But ultimately, you’re at a crossroads. You’ve decided that you’re ready to prepare for a change…but now you’re faced with a decision.

Some people reach this point and they decide, “Nope, I can’t do it. Peaceful parenting isn’t for me after all.” Others make the choice to move on to the next stage, which is:

Action

This is the stage where you make a conscious decision to do whatever it takes to parent peacefully. You decide that you’re going to stop nagging and start nurturing. You’re going to start to build an unbreakable bond with your child and work to repair any damage that has already been done.

You decide that you’re going to connect with your child emotionally and spiritually, treating him or her with respect. You pour your heart and soul into taking action, and you do it.

What exactly are the action steps you’re going to take? This varies from person to person. For some, an action step may be recommitting your life to Christ and recommit your life to Him. It might mean getting back into church regularly. getting yourself into counseling so that you can get your hands dirty and work on the things from the past that are buried deep inside you, holding you back from being the person you want to be.

If you are currently in the action stage of change, I’d like for you to take some time to pray about what specific action God would have you take.

Now, we all have bad days, and no one is perfect at peaceful parenting…but for the most part, you’re able to stick with your commitment and real change begins to happen within the walls of your home…and your heart.

Maintenance

The last stage of change is called maintenance. That’s when you really hit your stride and you’re doing well, parenting peacefully, and you’ve made some really difficult changes (and are sticking with them). At this stage, you’re able to successfully cope with anger and stress, without blowing up on your family.

Of course, everyone has bad days. Let’s be honest, we’re all human. There’s no such thing as the perfect parent. I don’t know of a mom who parents peacefully 100% of the time.

When we do make a mistake, we don’t allow ourselves to be held back. It’s important not to beat ourselves up to the point where we’re falling back into old habits. Sometimes when we do slip up and make a mistake, it’s easy to just abandon our convictions with thoughts like, “I’m done! I’ve failed at this, there’s no use in trying anymore.”

When those negative thoughts creep in, let’s remind ourselves of Romans 8:1. “There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.” We can ask for forgiveness and move forward.

Which stage of change are you in?

Before we recap those five stages of change, I want you to be thinking about what stage of change you’re in. For lasting change, we must first identify where we are on the continuum.

Precontemplation – “I ain’t doin’ it.”

Contemplation – “I might try it.”

Preparation – Taking baby steps

Action – Doing whatever it takes

Maintenance – Consistently reaching your goals and not giving up

Now that you’ve identified where you are, the next step is to thoughtfully and prayerfully consider what you need in order to move to the next stage.

If you’re in the contemplation phase thinking, “Do I really want to do this or not?” and you’re weighing the pros and cons of changing your parenting style…. begin praying about what God would have you do in order to move to the next stage.

For example, if you are in the contemplation phase (where a lot of moms get stuck), think about what’s holding you back. Do you feel like you have a fear of failure? Or do you feel stuck in your ways where you feel hopeless to make any kind of lasting change? Or maybe in the past you’ve tried this before and you don’t feel up to trying again.

If you’re in the preparation stage and you’re taking baby steps…weighing the pros and cons…now you’re at a crossroads and you have to decide if you’re really going to go all in. You must ask yourself if you’re willing to do some really hard things..to say no to some things…or to invest financially to see a counselor if that’s what you feel is needed. Are you willing to do whatever it takes to parent peacefully? And if so, what is that thing that you need to propel you from preparation to action?

What we know is that change isn’t easy. No matter what it is. But I think making parenting changes is particularly difficult because parenting itself is difficult. Sometimes it feels impossible!

But I’ve got good news for you today. Our God works miracles. Even if you feel that parenting peacefully is hopeless for you, it’s not hopeless for God.

Wherever you are on this parenting journey, on these stages of change, I want to encourage you to grab a pencil and a piece of paper and prayerfully jot down two things that you believe God is laying on your heart that you need in order to move forward.

Maybe you literally need to make a list of pros and cons. Or maybe you need to get on your knees before God and ask Him what it is that we need to do and pray about our parenting and our relationship with our kids. God will reveal to you what He wants you to do.

Or perhaps you need to finally make that phone call to schedule a counseling session to start working through some really difficult things that you’ve been going through. Again, I don’t know what your action step will be. But God is faithful and He will guide you.

Join Marianna Chambers as she talks about practical ways to become a more peaceful parent. Having children is a wonderful blessing, but it can also be quite stressful. Every day we hear from moms just like you who are struggling to be the gentle parent they want to be. Moms desperately want to raise their children on a firm foundation of love, but those sweet kids sure know how to push our buttons. (And boy, do they push them!)

Marianna Chambers is a counselor, parenting coach, blogger, homeschool mom, and best-selling author. She’s passionate about supporting and encouraging moms. You can follow her on Facebook and Instagram, or read her blog here. You can also join her private Facebook group for Christian moms on a peaceful parenting mission.

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Staying connected to your child

In this fast-paced world, it’s easy to let distractions and everyday stress creep in and build a wall between ourselves and our kids.
Today, we’re going to be talking about how to stay connected to your child even in the midst of day-to-day life.

If you’ve been listening to my podcast or reading my blog, you know that I am all about building a close bond with your kids.

I believe that God calls us to be compassionate and gracious to our children and nurture them to the best of our ability. So I’m excited to dive in and talk about five of my favorite ways to connect with my kids.

1. Laugh and be silly

Laughter is a wonderful gift from God. And it’s also a great way to bond with our kids!

A child’s laughter is something that we should always be thankful for. Psalm 126:2 says, “Our mouths were filled with laughter.”

Laughing, goofing off, and just being silly can help improve our mood and help establish a close connection. I mean, don’t you just love being around people who make you laugh?

For my son, he is the comedian in our family. He loves to laugh and tell jokes. When we’re doing our homeschool lessons together, I always try to incorporate humor because it helps him to have fun and really helps our bond. He loves one-liners and cheesy knock-knock jokes, so I’m always on the hunt for a new joke to tell him.

2. Tell them about your childhood

Let’s face it — we know our kids inside and out. But how well do our kids know us? After all, most of us have lived a big chunk of our lives before they were born!

My kids love hearing me tell stories about when I was a kid. Even telling them something that I would consider mundane or boring, they are a captive audience. They love hearing me talk about family vacations, my embarrassing moments, and even the times when I disobeyed and got into trouble.

And, they also love hearing about when their dad and I first met. The places we visited together, the dates we went on, where we lived – they soak it up.

I loved how talking about my past could let her get to know me – and learn from my mistakes. (There are so many valuable “teaching moments” from our childhoods!)

I searched for a devotional that focused on helping a mother and child get to know one another better and build a close bond, but I couldn’t find one!

So I wrote my own. And I made sure to include talking points every day to allow moms to teach their kids about when they were young, as well as speaking words of affirmation over them.

Which brings us to our next idea…

3. Affirm them

We tell our kids we love them every single day. But is that enough? I kind of feel like I say those three little words so much that they lose some of their meaning.

Sometimes it may mean more to say, “You know what? I think you’re a really great kid.”

Kids love to hear that we’re proud of them – not just for what they do or things they accomplish – but for who they are as a person/their character.

My oldest daughter is incredibly kind and nurturing – and she also happens to thrive on words of affirmation. So I constantly remind her of how much I admire her kindness.

I also love to tell my kids that I’m so thankful that God made me their mom. I’ll say, “Out of all the kids in the world, I’m so glad God picked you out for me.”

Not only does this help them feel special and wanted, but it’s also a good reminder to me. Because let’s face it, there are hard days. There are days when there’s lots of whining and my nerves are fried. Days when I don’t feel like being affirming or nurturing.

But affirming my kids always brings me to a place of gratitude. I’m so grateful that I have the privilege of being their mom.

4. Remind them you think of them

When you’re apart, let them know you were thinking of them. As moms, our kids are never far from our thoughts. We constantly think about them, worry about them, and wonder what they’re up to.

When I go into the office, I miss my kids like crazy. If I have time, I’ll grab a scrap piece of paper and draw each child a little picture. It’s nothing fancy. I’m not an artist by any stretch of the imagination.

But I’ll sketch out a little picture of their favorite cartoon character, animal, or whatever they’re interested in. For my oldest daughter who can read, sometimes I’ll write her a quick letter. She has a whole photo album filled with those little scrap pieces of paper – little notes and drawings I’ve brought home over the years.

Those kids love it when I bring them a simple, amateur drawing. It helps to remind them I was thinking of them. It reminds them that I know what they’re interested in. And it means a lot that I took the time to make them something.

5. Give them your undivided attention

Okay, I have a confession to make. If you see me, you’ll generally also see one other thing. My phone.

I always have it with me. I’m also a chronic multi-tasker, so it seems I’m always doing at least three things at one time.

The problem is, my attention is divided. When one of my kids wants to spend thirty minutes telling me a story they made up, they don’t feel like I care.

I’m really working on this area of my life and I want to encourage you, too. It’s really amazing what leaving the phone in the other room will do for your relationships. It helps your child feel valued. When we pause what we’re doing, get eye level with them and make eye contact, offering a smile, they feel valued.

They feel wanted. And they feel important.

And they are important!

Way more important than how many likes we have on Facebook or how many followers we have on Instagram.

My son is kind of obsessed with animals. Especially endangered animals or ones that have gone extinct. He loves telling me about rare species and one of the ways we bond is by learning about rare animals together.

Now honestly, I’m not very passionate about Tasmanian Tigers. But because it’s important to him, it’s important to me. I love his enthusiasm and I love that he shares it with me.

And if I listen eagerly to the things that matter to them when they’re young, my hope is that they’ll talk to me about the things that matter to them when they’re older. You see, there’s a bigger purpose behind putting intentional effort into cultivating closeness with our kids. Yes, we love them and we want a close-knit relationship with them. But bigger than that is a God-given responsibility to be a role model to them. We are to be a reflection of God’s love for them.

Romans 5:5 says that “God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit.” It’s only through God’s love living in us that we can truly show love to our kids.

If you’ve been struggling lately with feeling annoyed with your kids…or if harshness has driven a wedge between you and your child, I want to offer you some encouragement.

Today is a new day. Today you can start building a bridge and reconnect with your child. One of my personal mottos is “progress, not perfection.”

There’s no such thing as the perfect mother. But each day is a new day to try again.

Join Marianna Chambers as she talks about practical ways to become a more peaceful parent. Having children is a wonderful blessing, but it can also be quite stressful. Every day we hear from moms just like you who are struggling to be the gentle parent they want to be. Moms desperately want to raise their children on a firm foundation of love, but those sweet kids sure know how to push our buttons. (And boy, do they push them!)

Marianna Chambers is a counselor, parenting coach, blogger, homeschool mom, and best-selling author. She’s passionate about supporting and encouraging moms. You can follow her on Facebook and Instagram, or read her blog here. You can also join her private Facebook group for Christian moms on a peaceful parenting mission.

If you struggle with your child pushing back, or if you ever feel like your child just doesn’t listen, this episode is for you!

Today we’re going to talk about three powerful phrases to help us communicate better and more peacefully with our children.

These three phrases are tools that you’ll be able to put into practice right away to help your child feel more understood and more valued.

Not only that, but you’ll also be able to diffuse power struggles before they even begin! These three phrases are ones that counselors like myself use every single day in their practice. So once you learn them, you can use them not only in your parenting…but also with your spouse, your friends, your boss…anyone!

Peaceful Parenting Phrase 1

The first phrase we are going to talk about goes like this, “So what I hear you saying is…”

This phrase is a type of reflective listening, or restating what your child has just told you. When we paraphrase something that’s just been told to us, we’re doing two things.

1- We are showing the child that we actually hear their primary concern.

2- We are giving them the chance to clarify if we misunderstood them.

Let me give you an example of how this technique is used. Imagine you and your family have just come home from church one Sunday.

You ask your son, “How was Sunday school?” He responds, “First we had circle time and our teacher had on a new blue dress. Then we had Bible story time but during the story Sam kept trying to talk to me and I told him to shush but the teacher only saw me talking and she moved me to the other side of the class so I couldn’t hear the story anymore and it’s not fair! Then we had a snack and music time.”

Whew! That’s a lot of information! How do you process all that?

Using reflective listening, you might say back to your child, “What I hear you saying is, Sam kept talking to you and you got the blame for interrupting story time.”

See, you just summarized alllll those words with just a few. Now your child feels heard. He feels like you truly care about what he’s saying. (It also gives him the chance to clarify if you misunderstood!)

Peaceful Parenting Phrase 2

The second phrase I want to teach you is, “It sounds like…”

By using this phrase, you are offering empathy and validating your child’s feelings.

In the case of the Sunday school example we just talked about, you might say to your child, “It sounds like you felt frustrated.”

Again, now your child has the opportunity to say, “Yeah! I did!” Or, “No I didn’t feel frustrated, I felt mad!”

Now that your child has identified his feelings, he’ll be able to regulate them better.

Peaceful Parenting Phrase 3

The third phrase I want to teach you is, “So where do we go from here?”

As parents, we very much want to solve our children’s problems. We’re busy and we need to fix this situation so we can keep moving to the next item on our to-do list.

However, when we jump in and intervene on their behalf, we are missing out on an opportunity to teach our kids how to be problem-solvers.

Not only that, but we could also be setting ourselves up for another power struggle.

In the Sunday School example we talked about earlier, we might be tempted to tell our child what to do. Instead, you might say, “So where do we go from here?” This will allow your child to come up with his own solution.

You are empowering your child to feel more in control. (And you’re also teaching him a valuable skill!) If a child has had all of his problems solved for him his whole childhood, once he enters adulthood, he’s not going to have the skills he needs to solve his own day-to-day struggles.

Now you may be thinking, “But I’m not a counselor and that kind of language doesn’t come naturally to me!” That’s okay! It didn’t come naturally to me at first either. Like anything, this takes practice.

The more you do it, the more you practice, the more natural it will feel and the easier it will come.

To summarize, here are three key phrases to use with your kids to improve your communication:

So what I hear you saying is…. (This is reflective listening.)

It sounds like…. (This is validating your child’s feelings.)

So where do we go from here? (This is empowering your child to problem-solve.)

Join Marianna Chambers as she talks about practical ways to become a more peaceful parent. Having children is a wonderful blessing, but it can also be quite stressful. Every day we hear from moms just like you who are struggling to be the gentle parent they want to be. Moms desperately want to raise their children on a firm foundation of love, but those sweet kids sure know how to push our buttons. (And boy, do they push them!)

Marianna Chambers is a counselor, parenting coach, blogger, homeschool mom, and best-selling author. She’s passionate about supporting and encouraging moms. You can follow her on Facebook and Instagram, or read her blog here. You can also join her private Facebook group for Christian moms on a peaceful parenting mission.

One of the most common concerns many moms have is that their children are constantly whining and not listening.

I’ve spoken to dozens of moms who feel frustrated and at the end of their rope. They desperately want to parent peacefully, but their kids really push their buttons!

I’ve been there! Over the years I’ve developed five strategies that I use with my own kids to help them thrive — and listen!

Secret 1 for happier kids

The first secret I want to share with you is, “catch them doing well.”

Just like anyone, kids love to be appreciated. Sometimes I tend to take my kids for granted when they’re doing well. But I try to make it a priority to let them know that I see how hard they’re working. I notice when they help a sibling.

After my youngest was born, my oldest daughter really stepped up and helped. And at the same time, I feel like she felt a little jealous of the new baby who was getting all the attention.

I wanted to show her my appreciation, so I sat down and wrote her a letter of thanks. She cried when she read it! Those simple words really meant a lot to her and she still has the letter to this day.

It’s so important to remind our kids what we admire and appreciate about them!

Secret 2 for happier kids

The second secret is, “set clear expectations and give warnings.”

Kids of all ages really do well when they know what to expect. Mentally preparing your child what is going to happen and why is key to avoid protests!

With giving warnings, I think it’s important to think about being respectful of their time and what they are doing. Sometimes we tend to demand that our kids do something *right now*! However, if we can give a 5-10 minute warning (and setting a timer!) can help your finish what they’re doing so that they aren’t expected to stop playing abruptly to do what we ask.

Secret 3 for happier kids

Secret number three is, “be consistent.” This is probably the most important tip! In peaceful parenting, we try to avoid empty threats or punitive consequences.

So many times we hear moms rapid-fire threatening their kids. “Stop it! I mean it! You’re going to time out! I’m not going to tell you again!” And on and on it goes. No wonder the kids don’t listen! So many threats and no follow-through.

Personally, I’m more in favor of connecting with the child rather than punishing or yelling. But I do set clear limits and related consequences when needed.

When I set a limit with one of my kids, they get one warning. I calmly and plainly say, “If you don’t stop arguing over that toy, I’m going to take it away for the rest of the day. This is your only warning. Please work it out together.” And if there’s more arguing? The toy goes away until the next day.

(What has happened is that my kids have become expert problem-solvers and turn-takers!)

Secret 4 for happier kids

Secret number four is, “use a rewards system.” Using rewards is somewhat controversial in the peaceful parenting community, but I find that it works well in our family.

This year I started homeschooling my son for the first time. At first, he was unmotivated and protested each day. I created a chart for him to earn stickers for each day he happily completed his school work. (He is much happier, and so am I!)

Secret 5 for happier kids

Secret number five is, “pour on the attention.” Kids crave attention! (And if you don’t give it to them? They act out to get it in any way they can!)

Whenever you can, spend one on one time with your child. Think about your child’s love language and invest your time and energy filling their little love banks. Be sure to make eye contact with them. Be interested in what they have to say. If you take the time to listen now, they’ll be more willing to talk to you when they’re older!

Bonus secret for happier kids

Here’s a bonus secret for you. Keep the end in mind. When your child is an adult and they reflect back on their childhood, how do you want them to remember you?

What type of relationship do you want with your children 10-20 years from now?

On the really hard days, remember your why!

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Join Marianna Chambers as she talks about practical ways to become a more peaceful parent. Having children is a wonderful blessing, but it can also be quite stressful. Every day we hear from moms just like you who are struggling to be the gentle parent they want to be. Moms desperately want to raise their children on a firm foundation of love, but those sweet kids sure know how to push our buttons. (And boy, do they push them!)

Marianna Chambers is a counselor, parenting coach, blogger, homeschool mom, and best-selling author. She’s passionate about supporting and encouraging moms. You can follow her on Facebook and Instagram, or read her blog here. You can also join her private Facebook group for Christian moms on a peaceful parenting mission.

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