Feel lonely

I’m also recovering addict and now I’m sober for 7 months. I feel that addiction was my coping mechanism for various issues so now I’m sober I find life very difficult. I’m not saying that I’m not happy with that I’m sober but it all came back at me.

When I share my challenges I’m accused by people close to me that I’m preparing another relaps.

That very much depends on how much you drink every day, Madworld. There's drinking... and then there's drinking, if you know what I mean.

Someone of my acquaintance has now been sober for many years. He's younger than I am, but looks much older. He's often spoken to me about his drinking days. Years of them, from his late teens. It reached the stage where he couldn't manage at all without drink in his system - and naturally, his system had adapted and adapted to his intake, so that he needed more and more. At the end, he was drinking two bottles of vodka and two 4-packs of strong lager a day. And he had to start first thing in the morning because he was shaking so badly. It had a serious effect on his health, and he came close to liver failure in his 40s. That was when he stopped. He still, after years without a drop, suffers ill-effects of his drinking.

I'm not anywhere close to that level of consumption, but I'm well aware that my drinking has increased very rapidly over the last four or five years. It used to be that I could drink a bottle of wine in an evening and worry that I'd overdone it a bit. Now, I can easily drink three bottles of wine in a day, then go out for more in the evening. At Christmas, I drank three bottles of scotch over a four-day period. I felt fine. But that's quite a serious development, as far as I'm concerned. My test is to go without drink for a few days and see how I feel. Not so many years ago, it wouldn't bother me at all. Now... I find myself, on those sober days, thinking more and more about having a drink.

I say - if you like a drink, and enjoy drinking, go ahead. Why not? Plenty of people drink heavily for years without many ill-effects. But if you know you have a problem with it (as I do), and you know where it's likely to lead... well, it's a different matter. I used to say 'I've never done this on booze, I've never done that on booze', and all my wise-ass recovering alcoholic friends would say to me... 'Ah, well... give it time.' And they were right. In the last dozen years, my drinking has gotten me arrested, cost me a marriage and another relationship, and lost me a home. So - for me, anyway - sobriety isn't over-rated. It's something I aspire to. Something I want. At the same time, though, I'm in denial. And I still want that drink. I know it's only a matter of time for me. Something will have to break in the end.

My dear father was a wonderful man. Warm, bright, witty, generous, kind-hearted. But he had a demon. Alcohol. And it killed him in the end. It's a demon I have, too. I hope I can stop before it kills me. But sure... there's a side of me that says the same as you do. It's my Jekyll and Hyde thing. I prefer being Doctor Jekyll, because it brings out the best in me. But Mr Hyde has that seductive charm. Always. I can be a really nice, funny drunk. But I can also be a very nasty drunk. And I can be a suicidal drunk. It all depends on my mood when I start off. It's a scary thing.

I agree Madworld. God bless the booze indeed. It helped me for many years. I don’t really drink any more, I don’t really like it, I never really did, my sister said I was the worst alcoholic ever cos I hated the taste and it made me so ill. But hey, if it’s you’re thing my friend, go for it. Who’s to say that it is any worse than the pharmaceuticals the government hands out willy nilly all the time. When the doctor wanted to put me on anti depressants, which were terrible, and then anti-psychotics, I said no thank you, I’ll self medicate and I did. Heroin was better for me in so many ways than their drugs were and I’ll always be grateful to it. I still love it but it is too delicious to only have it now and again so I do other things now. But I couldn’t agree with you more, if it helps you then I think it’s far safer and better in so many ways as opposed to being dependent on the government to hand out the pills each month. They even decide to stop certain drugs without a moments notice sometimes. When I worked in the mental health team we had clients going crazy because the doctors, all of a sudden, decided they’re not handing out Valium anymore, they didn’t even tell us before they made their decision. I was the only worker to get my clients back on them, other workers were having real difficulties, their clients were relapsing on other drugs and all sorts of s**t was happening. I told my clients gp’s that I wasn’t making a request, they were putting my clients back on the Valium end of. I never got to the bottom of it, I think it was a move to save money which for me was unacceptable and I wouldn’t allow it. I don’t know what happened after I left, the doctors probably whipped them off the prescription as soon as I left and none of the other workers or psychiatrists would insist the doctors keep them on it, which I refused to accept unless they could provide my clients with a better alternative. So yeah, it’s very very risky business relying on the government for your daily dose, it’s much better to sort that out yourself, if you can, I wholeheartedly agree.