Simpson, 23, of North Waterford, Maine, was taken into custody in Tallahassee February 18 on charges of making false bomb threats, petty theft and disorderly conduct. According to investigators, the bizarre incident unfolded at around 4pm last Wednesday when Simpson tottered into the bar on crutches, ordered a Bud Light beer and then offered the bartender a rock to cover his $10 tab.

by Sir John Hawkins

John Hawkins's book 101 Things All Young Adults Should Know is filled with lessons that newly minted adults need in order to get the most out of life. Gleaned from a lifetime of trial, error, and writing it down, Hawkins provides advice everyone can benefit from in short, digestible chapters.

When the staffer rejected the pebble as an acceptable method of payment, the 23-year-old Mainer tossed a torn dollar bill at a female employee and said he would pay her ‘in other ways,’ according to a probable cause affidavit cited by the Huffington Post. In the course of his stay at the Monroe Street bar, Mr Simpson reportedly boasted to another patron, that he was ‘shot up in the war.’

But when his new acquaintance, who turned out to be a veteran, inquired which military branch he had served in, the 23-year-old replied, ‘if I tell you, I have to kill you,’ the court documents stated. After Simpson’s rock-for-beer barter failed, the suspect allegedly left the bar without the aid of crutches, and then returned carrying a credit card that did not work. Simpson then left the bar again, only to return later dressed in a grey suit and carrying a briefcase. One eyewitness later told police he overheard Simpson ‘speaking in tongues.’

The situation took an unexpected turn when Jared Simpson placed his briefcase on a booth table, opened it, then closed and locked it before backing away from the bag while holding a cellphone and a beeper in his hands.
The 23-year-old man warned everyone in the bar, ‘Anyone touch this, they will die,’ according to the affidavit.
Fearing that the briefcase contained an explosive device, bar staff and patrons immediately fled the premises. Once outside, Simpson was observed doing a handstand near El Jalisco’s Mexican Restaurant on North Monroe Street.

Actually, I think the handstand is a wonderful adage to this story. Variety is the spice of life.