Thursday, December 29, 2011

If you ever want to hate your house, and I don’t know why you should but we all get strange cravings from time to time, just hire an inspector to look at one little thing. Like the face boards out front, or the drainage out back. Or the fireplace in the middle.

As for the last, I hired an outfit, one highly recommended by folks I trust, and A and C came by, sweet-smelling and handsome (oh yes, they were) at 8 a.m. (oh yes, they did).

“Nice,” said A, patting the brick monolith on the thigh. It looks solid.”

While C cleaned the fireplace, A climbed up on the roof. And that’s when things went south.

“Kar-een!” he said (A is German). “Kar-een! I must show you something.”

And he climbed down the ladder and played back some photos. “Who did this…this – what’s the word to describe the flashing around the chimney, I could say it in my own language …”

“Abomination?” I’m a walking App for the missing word or phrase, thanks to immigrant parents.

“Yes,” he smiled, impressed. “Exactly. Abomination. Let me tell you why we have a problem…”

Well, two things, here. First of all, on a yearly basis, I have some new roofer walk the house and tell me how every guy who ever nailed my shingles has been either an idiot or a scoundrel. I expect they’ve all been right about that.

Secondly, when it comes to almost any problem other than nouns and verbs, I don’t want the back story. I don’t want, for example, to hear all about the history of the Roman sewer system just because my bathtub won’t drain.

Similarly, I don’t want to feign interest in gunky spark plugs or my dental x-rays. I don’t want to look at my dog’s hookworms under a microscope. Why must these people continually parade the incidentals of their disgusting job in front of me, as if I didn’t have my own disgusting job to do. Just hang a dollar sign on the problem, is my motto, and I’ll take two aspirin and think about it in the morning.

But of course, no one cares what I want. For three hours today, it was nothing but, “Kar-een! Kar-een! Come here! I found something …” Of course, that last sentence never ended in “fabulous.”

The estimate to fix all these problems is … well, I don’t know how they say it in German or English, but the French have a word for it.

After they left, and as I was hanging a painting above the indoor structure which we will now refer to as the giant brick easel, it turns out A left the check behind. So twenty minutes later:

“Kar-een, it's me …”

And then, twenty minutes later, he came back again.

“Kar-een, I have a question …”

And then six hours later he delivered a 24-page pictorial of my naughty fireplace. Amazing service, really, from a company that requires a three-week wait for the initial appointment.

Anyway, A could have saved himself the fourth trip of the day. When many, many thousands of dollars stand between me and cozy, cold and bleak looks mighty appealing.

Posted by
altadenahiker

54 comments:

Very informative and interesting. I've always wondered who were the type to hire "The Smell Good Plumbers." I think I have a solid clue now... "He came over and cleared my pipes. And, he smelled real good doing it too!"

OMG, Karin, what are all the problems? How much can go wrong with one chimney? Have you ever used your fireplace?

My chimney - the top third - was redone after the 1987 Whittier Narrows Quake because it was spun around on its axis. I have fires in my fireplace from time to time, but other than once, I haven't had it inspected. Now I'm nervous.

I can just hear him calling your name with that German accent. What a naughty chimney you've got!

We moved into a very old house in England that needed a cement condom in the chimney to stop the smoke leaking out into the bedroom. The cost was astronomical, so we left the problem to the next owners.

I have a chimney sweep in the family. (I'm sure I told you this before, but you probably thought I was kidding.) I don't know why I'm telling you again, as he is clearly geographically opposed to being of any help whatsoever. Can I at least send you some art for your new easel?

Well, as u know I had a roofer in and he told me (what I DID not want to hear) that most new construction only uses ONE sheet or layer of paper when they lay the roof.. He said 2 layers is what is needed....L-O-V-E-L-Y isn't it.,. I bet you felt like a punching bag every time they said your name...Me, I cringed hoping the roofer and the heating guy didn't say 'ah, I hate to tell u this'. Maintenance is a biatch.

I know it likely doesn't apply in your case, but I keep thinking of those TV shows where many of the "I hate to tell you this" are based on pure fiction. I even wonder if sometimes you might have people who aren't wrong, but they're going way overboard. Like hiring Picasso to see if your wall mural needs touching up.

Bellis is exactly right -- my chimney needs a condom, else sparks can waft into the attic.

Unfortunately, it's probably true, as A made me watch Chimney, The Motion Picture. I got to see all the cracks in the 1922 mortar, the part of the chimney that wasn't rebuilt and conveniently hidden behind a wall.

We traded the wood pile for a nice propane gas tank and installed a ventless gas fireplace. It brings the cozy and warm into the house without the chopping, stacking, and fetching. Of course, there is no crackling and no wonderful wood smell, but I can cope with that.

I'm pretty sure those guys with the lovely pictorials jack up the problem and price by a factor of at least 3. Can't you find an old Italian mason to take care of it? That's what we'd do hereabouts. Never mind the fancy, handsome men.

I had a guy like that who wanted to rebuild my incinerator chimney. Said it had issues. He told me to pay in advance. I told him where the door was, and Thor helped him through it.

The tuckpointing is shot, the Chicago style brick is crumbling, the flashing was installed by an idiot and then caulked over, the liner is gone . . . don't trust anyone who needlessly points out so many things. Or who uses ellipses.

We've never used our fireplace. The inspector said, "Well, it's not up to code, so it's safe until it burns down your house, you know?" I don't know what it would cost to bring it up to code. More than we're spending at the moment.

I LIKE V's f'in suggestion, as with the french words (did I mention my sweetie works for a french company? I'm learning, slowly).

"every guy who ever nailed my shingles" is that a commentary on your dating choices? Sorry, I haven't dated in over 20 years, I'm not up on the "new" terminology. Yes, old, boring, married, folk. That's me.

I'm thinking it is time to find your and Petrea's Lincoln Heights buddy and ask HIM for a referral. May smell less yummy, the accent won't be the same, but I bet the price might be better.

Mr Earl---I saw plenty of those chimneys after Whittier---amazing to see them spun like that, or just one row of bricks pulled out.

We've had our fireplace inspected at least two or three time, and everyone says unless we spend thousands, we'll burn our house down or smoke will come pouring in. I have a feeling they are selling us. We haven't used our fireplace once.