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just madness i think.

It’s a difficult situation to manage. If we believe that everyone exists within a conscious bubble of subjective perceptions of the world, which I think is the most reasonable way of looking at people at the most fundamental level of what makes them human, truth becomes fickle and hard to manage.

One of the big problems with truth is that there are so many layers of it and humans aren’t capable of looking at all of them at once. For example, consider the workings of a computer. It is true to say that a computer computes things. But how true is that? Is that true enough? It’s also true that a computer consists of 5 main components, the Input, Storage, CPU, ALU, and Output. Instructions are formatted as 1’s and 0’s and processed in the CPU. But how are they processed? Do we need to start talking about how logic gates are designed, transistors, differences between static and dynamic memory? Is that useful to us? Does use define truth in any way? It’s true, but it’s not Truth, with a capital T. Can we as humans even understand Truth? Is Truth, which I am assuming is an objective term, even possible to find within a subjective conscious bubble?

These are the ramblings of a madman, seemingly, yet they have a very real effect on the world, especially in our world today where the lines between truth and fiction become more blurred by the month with the advent of VR, gender dysphoria run amok like some kind of fad, LGBT propaganda promoting an unhealthy man-hating form of lesbianism, AI algorithms running the Internet, and all the rest. But all of those things I just mentioned are only one layer of truth, and this is where the issue comes in: Some layers seem to be more useful than others, so if one person is focused too far up (too shallow) while another person is focused too far down (missing the bigger picture), we’re both looking at the same truth but completely missing the middle point where we want to be.

What this led me to conclude some years ago was that I needed to erase the social conditioning as much as possible and start forming ideas from the ground up as best I could, making note of inconsistencies in both the mainstream and anti-mainstream narrative as I went along. It’s been… a painful journey, to say the least, and continues to be painful. Because there’s a far deeper issue in our modern society than your truth vs. my truth: Truth vs. Virtue, specifically the cases where the two are not equivalent.

Let’s consider the classic train thought-experiment, where one is asked whether they would push a fat man onto a train track to save a group of people on the tracks from a runaway train. Let’s first change the man into a woman. I wonder how that would make some people feel? Perhaps we should reflect on those feelings for a moment… alright, let’s move on. I think the answer is inanely obvious: I would, without hesitation, push the fat woman, child, cat, or whomever it was. Not only I would but I should. Anyone should. The philosophical musings about whether said fat woman could be the one who finds the cure for cancer can be equivalently attributed, and with a greater probability, to the group of people on the tracks. I don’t see the philosophical conundrum and it’s really a boring experiment at the end of the day; you can change it however you like and I simply give a reasonable answer in response based on least death and most probable benefit based on known variables:

“What if the group on the tracks were elderly and the one being pushed was a child?” Then don’t push, the child has more to give to society assuming we know nothing else about the elderly people.

“What if two of the group of five on the tracks are murderers?” Then don’t push. We don’t know in this case how many people the murderers may kill, but assuming the two murderers carry out one homicide each, if we push, we’ve killed three innocent people (the one pushed and the two murdered) and if we don’t we’ve killed three (the 3 non-murderers). Best save yourself the psychological torment in this case.

Let’s consider a more interesting thought-experiment, more relevant to the current times and better illustrating the failures of modern society to uphold truth over some abstract moral virtue… Let’s say that if we allow pedophile fiction to be sold in adult stores, we know for a fact that the rates of child rape will drop by 50%. Knowing this, would you vote on the bill that allowed pedophile content to be sold? Apart from the most unprincipled of us out there, I would hope most would say yes. But many will not.

What if we change it a bit: If we allow pedophile fiction to be sold in adult stores, there is a 1% chance that the rates of child rape will drop by 50% and not a chance that it will increase. Knowing this, would you vote on the bill that allowed pedophile content to be sold? Now let’s now ponder how our answer or hesitation to answer makes us feel. Why hesitate? There is no chance that the rate will increase, so this can only be a positive or neutral outcome. Then it is reasonable to conclude that the only possible factor in determining your hesitation is internal, society-driven virtue. Abstract, unsubstantial, and in fact harmful in this case if one were to vote against it.

But statistically speaking, in the West, people still would. It has in fact been shown that the rape statistics in Japan, the center of fictional loli content, are significantly lower than in the West. There are, of course, multiple factors to consider, but if we take the psychological fact that people become more aggravated when you forcefully remove something than less, and also the fact that robust studies have shown illegal fictional content does not correlate with increases in that illegal behavior, it’s very, very clear if we are objective that objections to loli content are entirely virtuous and not truthful.

The most distressing aspect of this particular issue, for me, is that as the censors censor, they use the fact that proliferation of loli content is actually increasing as a result as evidence in favor of continuing to censor. Because it looks good to protect children, provided everyone agrees that’s what you’re doing, even if it is quite the opposite.

The point is, this is my thought-process. There are a lot of reasonable things that have been painted as unreasonable in this day and age. As far as loli is concerned, I’m not interested in the virtuous arguments against loli content. I’m interested in its effects on people, and more specifically, the negative effects of its removal. It shouldn’t be counter-intuitive if we look at any other relationship humans have with fiction; I so dearly wish that we could collectively wake up from our programmed minds, abstain from our selfish disgust for content with no documented adverse effects, and see this.

But ah, well.

I’m practically alone here, anyway. Who wants to tell the truth when it makes you look bad? It’s reasonable, I suppose. I eagerly await the day (coming soon) that the world eats itself alive and then turns around and stupidly asks “what happened?”

Following this dream, on the same page, I wrote about my strange half-awake experiences that night to try to calm myself down. I do not recall how I knew that I woke up at 1:44AM and 2:24AM; I assume those were just conscious mental notes made prior to dreaming.

There’s a lot to the beginning of this dream I feel I’m not remembering, but from where I do remember, I was on my desktop computer. I can’t remember what I was doing on my computer, but I believe I was communicating with strangers.

Suddenly, I went into this strange loop of falling asleep and waking up (in the dream) where I would wake up and cross the basement to the bathroom and I would stare at a hole in the ceiling where the light is. I vaguely remember that I was doing this because sometimes strangers’ voices would be speaking and wanted some sort of help.

I seem to recall this whole process was frightening to me, but I kept doing it: getting in bed, waking up, and coming to stare at the hole in the ceiling.

Sometimes, instead of a voice, it would only be a fly, and I would become uncomfortable and back out of the room, never taking my eyes off the hole (or maybe the hole was following my vision, because I remember shifting my eyesight, but the hole was always there).

I would think something like “Oh, it’s you again. I’m not helping if it’s just you.”

Things are fuzzy here, because the real world and the dream world were starting to join, but I seem to recall thinking I was making all the voices up in my own head.

I went to sleep again and suddenly I couldn’t move. My own voice spoke to me. I can’t remember exactly what it said, but it was something like “Are you in control of your dreams?” That might be completely wrong, but it’s the first thing that comes to mind.

I remember my eyes forcibly closed, I answered myself, and then based on whatever I answered, my voice told me “Ok then, you’ll be sent to Belgium” or something.

I remember I was afraid because I couldn’t move and I knew my voice talking to me wanted to hurt me and that if I didn’t wake up I’d be attacked any second. It was difficult to come out of the sleep paralysis, and I almost gave up a couple times, thinking “I’ll just see what happens for once”, but fear eventually got the better of me and I forced myself awake.

For the first few seconds before remembering to record this, I wondered if perhaps I was still in a dream where my room had been sent to Belgium and if I looked outside there’d be jungle out there. I was reassured by the lights on my router being on, knowing if I was connected to the Internet, this couldn’t be the case.

Tonight has been strange. I woke up at 1:44 AM and I remember wondering “why tonight?” but for some reason can’t remember why I thought that.

I started having these weird delusions between sleeping and waking where I was using an app that allowed me to specify things like “close my eyes” or “close my eyes after a certain time and fall asleep” and other things like this.

I was trying to stay awake, so I mentally unchecked the “close your eyes” boxes because I was having trouble keeping them open. Actually, this might have been around the start of my dream.

I also remember that I woke up at around 2:24AM, but for some reason my light was on and I was holding onto the top of a poster hung on the wall near my bed, keeping it from falling down.

I’m only now realizing how strange that situation is as I write this. Did I take it down while half-asleep? Did the fan blow it down and I reflexively caught it and then woke up? When did I turn the light on?

Tonight has been very frustrating and unsettling, and as I write this I have no desire to go back to sleep, though putting that in writing does seem to calm my nerves a bit.

I was so unsettled that after the dream I just wrote, I sat back in my bed and told myself to calm down and figure out “why this was happening”, whether it was stress, too much food before bed, or something else.

When I thought about the hole in the bathroom ceiling in the dream and the fact that I do actually check it for bugs every time I go in there, I was prompted to record this dream.

Up until recently, I was never a huge fan of Descarte’s philosophy. There was something about it that struck me as nihilistic and dangerous, and I treated it more as a thought-experiment or cute curio than anything. After having it better explained to me, however, I began to realize how rigorous his thought-process actually was; it’s not a thought-experiment, it’s simply true. If I remove every subjective experience, everything in the universe that has a changeable essence, everything I can’t have 100% knowledge of, I can indeed come to the same realization as Descartes: the only thing I can actually have knowledge of is my own mind (consciousness?), the thing that produces these thoughts to begin with.

I think the real challenge, then, comes with what you do with that information. It’s no surprise that most people simply ignore it as I did for so long and get on as if everything in the world was an objective part of reality and therefore worthy of complete and serious attention. This is a mistake, in my estimation. How much anxiety, depression, and anger exists in the world today as a result of treating the universe objectively? Imagine if people were able to fully realize the profoundness of Descarte’s thought, and that money, technology, and science’s “discoveries” are constructs and beliefs, not knowledge, not worthy of considering beyond the natural human desire to project the patterns within our minds onto the subjective canvas we see before us. Certainly not worth killing or fighting over.

It’s become so bastardized, this human project of ours…

But I had another thought just this morning as well, which is what prompted me to write today. I was thinking about the egocentricity of Descarte’s philosophy, before coming to realize that perhaps it’s not so egocentric at all. After all, the idea of “I think therefore I am” was instilled in me by another human being. Yes, the idea has always been there for the thinking within my mind, but it was brought to the surface by another mind. This, to me, is hard evidence against solipsism; other thinking minds must exist because they have brought to light these very thoughts that prove to me my own existence. I believe this 100%.

However, this does not, for me, discount the possibility of philosophical zombies in our midst. Not just as a thought-experiment, mind you, I mean true philosophical zombies that walk and talk and have existed since the dawn of humankind. More specifically, I think my zombies fall into the “soulless zombie” category; they act and behave in ways indistinguishable from how we would classically expect a human being to behave, but they do not have this thought “I think therefore I am” because they lack thoughts.

The difference between my zombie and the “thought-experiment” is that I think they make it plainly obvious that they are not thinking minds, because that does not actually go against normal human behavior. In fact, I am the weird one for seriously considering this, no? Is it really such an unreasonable idea? How many people do we know who would never, in a thousand years, ever seriously consider the idea? How many people do we know who don’t seem to think about philosophy at all or even care about it? I think these people have truly lost their humanity, because this curse of meta-thought and self-reflection (which is only a curse because of the proclivities of the modern world, which was created by philosophical zombies) is the most distinctly human aspect we possess. It’s in fact the only knowledge I have of the world that is objective.

Now, I must clarify that this does not make philosophical zombies without purpose; just as they were conceived by thinking minds as thought-experiments, their very existence in reality drives thinking minds to continue thinking and philosophizing, about the nature of human beings and human behavior. That, to me, is why we as thinking minds perceive them, because without them our thought would, perhaps, not have the motivation to progress as far as it has. There is a problem, however, which becomes more obvious I think as time goes on: even thinking minds can become philosophical zombies, and misery loves company.

Consider a world full of only truly thinking minds. What need would they have for scientific advancement and creation of things whose only purpose is to distract the mind from its thoughts, the only reality that truly exists? They would be content in the universe as it presented itself to them, content in the infinity of information and experience that exists internally (and manifests itself externally in the universe). It is the “animal-humans”, the philosophical zombies, who concern themselves with animal-like pursuits, taking their subjective experience and using it for personal gain, a process which has lead up to our modern society that pushes us closer and closer to the ultimate death of thinking minds: AI and virtual existence.

I only just began thinking of these things today, so I need some time to sort through the thoughts before making another post, but I fundamentally believe all of this. I feel, constantly, the pressure of non-thinking entities around me to stop thinking and to simply exist like they do in a state of blind obedience and animalistic indulgence, but I don’t want that. There’s something locked within my mind that is difficult to get out. I can’t describe it, I just feel it and I want to find that thing, the true meaning of human existence that can’t be found in the projections my mind shows me in the external world. I need to get away from everything… but it will be a while before I can do that.

It’s astonishing to me how predictable the women in my life have been, to a fault. Regardless of intelligence or belief or professed virtue, if there’s one commonality between all of them it’s an intense disinterest (inability to understand?) with regards to matters of principle and philosophy.

They’d rather talk about shopping. Or men (as tools for their own self-satisfaction). Or celebrity gossip. Or whatever the new “hot” thing in the media is. And while I don’t think any of these things are not worth talking about at all, it’s painfully obvious to me that such a person completely self-absorbed in material things and trivialities should not be given the ability to vote on matters of principle for principled people.

It’s really quite obvious if you just look at what’s happening; one could feel free to consider the words in this post misogynist or whatever else they like, but it doesn’t change what’s happening. Women clamor about rights and fairness, which is all well and good, but that’s as deep as the conversation goes. “If men have it, we should have it.”

…Why?

If a woman came up to me, before women’s suffrage became a thing, and she explained to me that her belief in women’s suffrage was based on the principle of human beings sharing in the misery of the world together and therefore being deserving in a say to how it is run, I might prick up my ears. But all I ever hear is “Men have it so we should have it.” “Equality.” “Freedom.” Why? If you have no interest in principled matters and principled rules for governing people that are non-dependent on your own selfish desires, why in god’s name would I want you to have any say in how the world is run?

Do you understand what I’m saying? When men talk about freedom of speech, you’ll notice their discourse runs deeper than themselves; it hearkens back to the origins of free speech itself, Christianity and the Enlightenment, it’s something they feel is deserved by all not just because of this vague notion of “equality”, but because there’s an inherent worth in every human being that deserves dignity. When women talk about freedom of speech, they crudely scrape off the most surface level aspects of the arguments, cry about women being historically oppressed, and then say they deserve it without offering a shred of evidence that suggests they do.

The woman who deserves the right to vote on principled matters is the woman who:

Is willing to sacrifice her well-being and livelihood for the people she “loves” because she is principled.

Is willing to put up with the existence of loli art and VR rape porn targeted at men with those fetishes because she is principled.

Is opposed to the feminization of men because she is principled.

Will stand up for all kinds of speech, however distasteful, based solely on the knowledge that it is necessary for a free society to exist, because she is principled.

Sadly, despite just being principled being a particularly low asking price, I haven’t found said woman. Many men go above and beyond just these points for women. It’s fantastic to me the lengths men go to in supporting women, their sexuality, desires, and lives, while women simultaneously attack men’s sexuality and call them predatory and gross inventing terms like “the male gaze” and “rape culture.”

I don’t want such self-absorbed, rude, ungrateful, and unprincipled creatures dictating the course of my life… do you?

It’s a dangerous place, the Internet. Not because someone’s feelings might get hurt. Not because the Establishment has decided banning fictional loli characters is a swell idea (maddening as it is). Not even because popular narratives that work against freedom of expression for all people are boosted and rationalized by unhinged autists and mentally ill persons who are certain that believing you are literally something you’re not is acceptable as long as it is made sexual.

No, these are in fact the symptoms of the underlying problem, which is an unsolvable problem, and that is moralmob stupidity. The majority of the people who post in forums and comment sections on the Internet are retarded, and I mean that in the clinical sense (ie they have < average IQs, poor social awareness, and exhibit infantile reactions to stressful life developments or subjectively objectionable material they encounter online or off). These sorts of people have an impossibly hard time encountering new ideas with an open mind and generally go along with the simplest-to-understand ideas presented by others that seem reasonable. This means if you’re an intelligent person with bad motivations you can control people by either A) taking away attention from nuanced ideas that more properly describe the world or B) using “morality” and “ethics” as the inherent nuance in an otherwise illogical argument.

The loli debacle is a great example. Loli drawings are fictional depictions of young girls. They do not, objectively speaking, harm anyone or do anything really other than exist. You can not find pictures of loli girls fucking each other without searching for it specifically. They, along with all other fictional material, are a non-issue. Why then is media of this particular sort being proactively removed? Well… I don’t know. There is no argument for it I have encountered other than “it’s gross.” or “Pedos will use it.” or “Creepy.”

In other words, it’s just moralmob stupidity.

As I’ve pointed out in an earlier post, I find any media of a sexual nature containing men to be absolutely revolting. I immediately block posters of that content. Would I be happy if the world was just filled with pictures of beautiful girls doing lewd things to each other and no men at all? Yes, I wouldn’t mind that at all! But despite my intense adverse reaction to this material, you will not see me telling people it should be removed because I find it objectionable.

The problem, then, is the subjectivity. Loli is easier to target because more people find it objectionable. That does not change the fact, however, that’s it’s the same thing as finding ANY other form of fictional content objectionable. Why should those preferences be any more valid than mine? But if one person is arguing that “the damn pedos will like it” and another person is arguing “well, whether I like it or not, it has a right to exist”, who will a mob of autists and closed-minded people gravitate towards? The virtue argument, of course.

After all, if pedos would like it, it must be banned. They should be preying on REAL kids, not consuming fiction!

……………….oh, that wasn’t the argument? I straw-manned it? Did I, though? Because I haven’t heard any other argument than “it’s gross”, which is subjective, and doesn’t change the fact that A) most consumers of loli material are not pedophiles and B) those who are use it as an outlet, which you are arguing to remove, which has a negative real-world consequence that is more dire than your sensitive little feelings about its existence.

“Someone surely must recognize the cognitive dissonance a work here”, I think to myself. But they don’t. I have pointed out that Japan, the country in which loli hentai content is produced, has lower rape statistics than the VAST majority of the developed world, including the West. The response? I’m a pedophile. Yes, indeed, well at least I’m a pedophile trying to argue a point that seems to be of benefit to people, using facts, rather than moral grandstanding for a point that seems to harm people.

You know, this is not difficult to understand. I realize that. Ultimately, it’s that they don’t actually care about kids. They just find the content objectionable and “protect the kids” is a great excuse for them to seem like the wonderful, angelic human beings they are.

Remember, no matter what a person contributes to society or how intelligent they are, if they’re a misogynist or a pedo they deserve to be murdered in cold blood! 😀

It’s a fucking carnival out there, it really is.

What, you’re still here? Do you not see this disgusting, pedophilic, misogynistic, victimless, really sexy piece of media I posted? Btw, it’s a statistical fact that there are literally 100 people with functioning brains in the West who agree with this stance, and I doubt you’re one of them, so stop following me you moral, virtuous fucks; go back to working your 9-5 for the Establishment until you die. Jesus…

A tumultuous relationship that ultimately ended in a baby and a break-up 6 months later. The onset of bipolar disorder. Grades slipping from A’s to C’s over the course of a single year. Depression. Can’t get out of bed. Can’t look anyone in the eyes.

“What happened to him/her?”

“Who cares. S/He’s a lazy and a worthless child.”

Disowned. All these internet people living happy lives and saying “oh, just tell someone! Just get help! People love you!”

Yah. Enough to start taking things away and punishing me for not being able to meet expectations. There’s no such thing as a mental disorder.

I deal with it all alone. Silently. I never made a fuss. I never made an excuse for myself based on my condition. I finally said I can’t go to school anymore. “Then move out.” I moved out, worked a job, suffered through every day like a good American citizen so I could pay rent, buy food and have just enough left to buy a videogame every month.

If I can do that, I must be a normal, functional human being.

Contemplated suicide so many times. Still do. But the well-to-do Catholic child in me leaves a doubt in my heart.

“I’m living what I perceive to be a worthless life, but what if forcibly ending it is going to get me sent to hell?”

Then again, maybe I’m already in hell. It feels like it.

I came back home. “Stay here rent-free and finish college,” they said. “But you’ll have to rack up the debt and pay for it all on your own. Because it was your fault you dropped out. Yours alone.”

Yah, I guess it was. I know in my soul, that there was and is so much wrong with my mind, experienced those days my body physically felt so weak from inexplicable emotions of sadness I couldn’t move for hours on end, remember staring at busy intersections on my way home at night and wondering what would happen if I just leapt out there. If I died, that would be alright. If I didn’t die, maybe someone would beleive me. Win-win, surely?

…But if I say it wasn’t my fault, I’m weak. It’s all in my head, after all. I’m in charge of my own thoughts… right?

I live for work now. Without it, I’d have nothing. I get all A’s in school. Smile for “friends” and outside family when they come over.

I’m normal. Because I have to be.

I start crying out of nowhere one day. All these dark thoughts come unbidden into my mind and they won’t leave. Why am I atoning for a sin I don’t remember committing? Why do I always think everything is my fault? Is all the responsibility of life mine alone, or did my family have some responsibility they shirked when it looked like it might be more difficult than initially anticipated? Am I selfish even for thinking that?

My mother found me.

“Do you want to see a therapist?”

“Yes.”

“Let’s figure out how you can pay for it.”

I’m thousands of dollars in debt from college. I have to start paying for my own insurance next year. It costs almost a hundred dollars a visit.

“Can you help me?”

“……”

No, but I you’ll allow my sister to take two years off of school to attend to her mental health. You’ll pay for her medications and therapy.

“Because she’s a child.”

I was a child.

“……..”

Do you even believe me? I’m only an adult for you when it’s convenient. I know I always look gloomy around the house, that I speak quietly, avoid eye contact, all these things. This is me trying as hard as I can. Because I’m afraid that if you really saw what was wrong with me, you would tell me to just leave. Like you did before.

“You’re an adult now. You’re better now.”

I got better because I got away from all of you. I wasted those 4 years of my life. Now I’m back and it’s coming back worse than ever.

I just have to keep suffering long enough to leave this place. I’ll never look back. I’ll never call. I won’t come for holidays, I won’t answer texts, I’ll leave you all behind like I never existed. I despise this house I live in, this room I sleep in, and these strangers who are supposed to be my family.

I’m an adult. But I never had a chance to become one. I’ll admit it, I need help. But there’s no one listening.

I get it, that’s an edgelord statement or whatever, right? Since that’s what society tells us: “when people say stuff like that, they’re just edgelords and you should avoid them, because not being happy all the time is MESSED UP because look at what a wonderful life you have! Refrigerators! Cars! Electricity! How dare you say life is pointless, why don’t you go to AFRICA or something and say it’s pointless?”

It doesn’t matter where you live. Everyone struggles to survive in different ways in different places; why? What’s the purpose? Is it in the struggle itself? The uphill climb to… what? The top of the hill? Why am I struggling, who am I pleasing if I’m not pleasing myself, and do I want to please them when I don’t even know who they are or what their motives are?

I don’t understand why I’m here. I go to school and get good grades. That’s my life right now. People say weird things to me at school like “well, you’re smart, so you’ll go far” and it just makes me angry and I wish they’d stop. I come home and nobody here says anything at all because I doubt they could care less what I’m doing and THAT makes me angry and I wish they’d disappear.

Then I stare at a wall for an hour wondering why I’m alive, do some pointless easy homework that isn’t teaching me anything, entertain myself somehow: watch a different movie which is actually the same movie I’ve seen a thousand times before, listen to another over-produced soulless song, read about the next idiotic cognitively dissonant “news-worthy” event, go to some subreddit where everyone wants to shoehorn in their own agendas and desires instead of letting all the other broken people there just enjoy the fucking topic of discussion, get mad for no reason, get mad at myself for getting mad, pace around my room until 4AM, masturbate to the most hardcore Japanese lesbian porn I can find because women here are revolting, go to bed, wake up, do all that shit again, so that eventually I can get some stupid fucking piece of expensive paper that says I can take bullshit tests well and that I spent a lot of money, then work my ass off until I’m 65 and too old to enjoy my life, retire and then be a burden to someone (if I have anyone that cares) until I die.

Wow, fucking great life we have here. We’re so lucky to be slaves to some bullshit system that I have absolutely no control over. HOW am I supposed to find meaning when I’m just some pawn in a game that I HATE and I’m FORCED to play? I HATE IT. I don’t want to do this. I don’t care about good grades. I don’t care about pleasing people who don’t like me. I just want to live a peaceful fucking life somewhere doing… whatever! I can code, I can cook, I can write music, I can edit videos, whatever, why do I have to jump through all these hoops and waste my life on pointless SHIT just to LIVE?

BUT NATURE IS BEAUTIFUL AND SOMEONE LOVES YOU AND YOU SHOULD BE THANKFUL BLAH BLAH BLAH SHUT UP. How selfish can you possibly be to think that EVERYONE is just like you? Maybe, just MAYBE some people DON’T see beauty in anything, maybe they DON’T have someone that loves them, and maybe they find the things you think they should be thankful for DISGUSTING. Ever thought about that?

Fucking selfish, telling me to live. You don’t know me. Go wag your tail and accept your next dog treat from the system for being obedient. If that gives your life meaning, good for you, man. It doesn’t work for me, but apparently people like me don’t get a choice in the matter; we’re just scum, and the system is set up so that no matter what we do we’ll fail, lose our minds, become psychopaths, do some stupid thing and get our faces plastered all over the news as being nothing but mentally insane people who didn’t fit the mold.

There is more to this dream, but I only remember a small part of it now.

I’m in one of the pews of what looks like a church. Everyone is facing away from the podium, however, looking towards the back. I remember we were talking about something, but don’t remember how the subject made me feel.

I saw everyone suddenly stand up and begin moving towards the podium, which didn’t really look like a church podium, by the way, it was just a stage elevated a bit off the ground.

I heard someone ask “what’s going on?” and I casually said “it’s back.”

I moved towards the stage as well. I knew that what was coming looked like a cave troll from the Lord of the Rings movies, but a bit smaller. I knew this because it had appeared earlier in the dream, but as I mentioned, I can’t remember what happened exactly.

I should mention while I remember that the church had no roof or walls, it was more like a large, long room surrounded by stone. I simply thought of it as a church in the dream.

I watched as the troll lumbered into the church. I remember feeling afraid and thinking specifically that this wasn’t a dream and that getting out of here would be life or death.

I told myself “just take deep breaths.”

I slowly inched around the edge of the stage and noticed there was another troll on the stage with me, right in front of me, but I instinctively knew this one wasn’t malevolent.

I remember how it stared at me as it tried to push me back whenever I tried moving forward. I made eye contact with the other, malevolent troll coming towards the stage as I was trying to catch a glimpse of it behind the one pushing me.

I remember thinking that it wouldn’t ignore me because for some reason it wanted to kill me specifically.

I became frustrated as the troll on-stage impeded my movement, and despite thinking I should be careful because my life was on the line, I rushed past the troll and began leaping across the tops of the pews towards the church entrance, as the troll that had been pushing me on-stage followed behind.

At this point, the perspective became 3rd-person. A little counter appeared in my vision, something like a timer in an old video game, and I said to the troll “let’s do it again!”

I watched a cartoon version of myself and the troll leaping across the pews to safety. It happened very quickly as the counter went up to “4” and I counted along. It sounds funny now, but I remember thinking while this was happening that I was still scared and was trying to make myself feel better.

Suddenly, I was back in first person and was sitting on a bed which had a single, small, old-looking TV on it that was just white noise. I think it was in the basement room at our house (the room I currently sleep in), but the light from the TV only illuminated my immediate surroundings and it was hard to tell.

I was telling myself that I needed to “turn bad things into something sweeter,” as I looked at what appeared to be the severed head of the clown from IT sitting on a plate. I violently smacked the top of it’s head with the intention to crush it and it turned into a piece of chocolate cake, which I immediately ate in an attempt to prove to myself that I was in control (though at this point I was still scared at what might happen next).

I turned to look back at the TV screen, which was playing a scene from the original IT, but it was must have been a made-up scene because I haven’t seen the movie in my waking life. I can’t remember exactly what the scene was about, only that it was supposed to be the clown intimidating some kid, but Matpat was doing an episode on this movie and making fun of it by zooming in on parts and adding reverb to certain words.

I specifically remember thinking this when the camera zoomed in on the clown’s smiling face as he said “pussy!” and it reverberated like it was a comically bad video edit.

I then woke up and remember wondering if that had actually been the original movie, and all the fast and crazy cuts were just intentionally bizarre.

It feels like there was more to the dream before this, but the first thing I remember is being trained for some sort of job. I think it was a retail job and my trainer was a cute brunette girl wearing an all-black uniform and a cap.

I was in a large room and there were a lot of people seated off to one side and a long line of children on the other side lined up for something. I was led by the girl to a desk my coworkers were standing around and I remember saying something like “the change in my work done will be at least as much as hers” (I think this was supposed to be a Physics joke) and everyone rolled their eyes at me.

I was then put in the line of kids, I guess as part of my first job. It seemed like some kind of Christmas event, as the kids at the end of the line were holding wrapped gifts.

I think I heard someone say (or it might have been my own intuition) that we were passing out gifts to elderly folk.

I noticed some lanky guy with glasses was handing blue envelopes out to people in the line. Once it got to my turn in line, he said something like “we don’t need any more people, you guys can go enjoy the show.”

I felt a bit relieved, but said “sorry guys” as I walked over to the seats.

For some reason, I had the impression the kids lined up behind me had wanted to participate in the show, though I had no reason to think that.

I sat next to a couple people I didn’t know and was wondering if I should try to make some kind of conversation when I heard my mom call me over from another side of the room, asking if I wanted to sit over there. I said yes and went to where she was.

I can’t remember who it was, but someone else was already sitting next to her, so she motioned for me to sit next to them. I think it was my brother, S.

Jealous of every girl they see, so they try to block them out wherever possible and/or call prettier girls “sluts”

Manipulative

Whenever they see “Yuri” they just have to talk about “MUH BL” because they get so triggered. Pathetic.

Smelly

I honestly feel bad for any guy stuck with a fujo. You can do better for yourself; get you a sweet yuri-loving girl. Better yet, the pretty yuri-loving girls should be with other pretty girls while fat fujos are tossed in a pit somewhere in Oklahoma.

Ahhh therapy blogging. I need to do this more often. Here’s a triggering picture for fujos of two girls way prettier than you who are also more in love than you’ll ever be: