Tonight's episode is supposed to establish Arthur as a charismatic leader of men; a force for good in a kingdom of chaos, dispensing justice like an olde English Judge Judy but with fewer testicles. By the end of this episode he's still just a skinny runt with a bunch of much manlier mates who point their massive swords at anyone who disagrees with him. The weed.

With Arthur off dispensing justice to unwashed villagers, Merlin is nowhere to be seen, having gone to ground since that unfortunate smash-and-grab he did on the sword-maker's place last week.

He's having drowned-girl flashback (k)nightmares and wakes up screaming in that way that no one ever actually does in real life. Igraine finally tracks him down to his grafitti-covered bedroom where he's made some kind of massive bunk-bed to hide in. He refuses to come down for his tea or tidy his room so Igraine leaves him to it.

So, back to Arthur the Wet and his merry Chippendales, galloping through the forest in a rainstorm – pathetic fallacy dictates that Arthur must be drenched at least once an episode – where they come across a bunch of muddy peasants about to hang a man while his daughter Katelyn begs them to stop. Arthur flaunts his lefty-liberal sensibilities and insists the man receive a fair trial. It's only when you see him with the ooh-arr rustics that you notice Arthur is unaccountably posh even though he was brought up in a mud hut.

Over at Castle Pendragon, Morgan tells Sybil to pack her wimple and do one. But she's having nun of it (sorry) and inveigles her way into Morgan's good books by paying a local ruffian to duff her up; nothing sparks public outrage like a nun with a black eye. She suggests a hearts-and-minds campaign targeting the disaffected peasantry, which instantly works because they're all too thick to realise they're being duped.

Guinevere takes Katelyn for a walk on the beach while the jury decide on her father's fate. "I sometimes come here to think," says Guinny as they stroll along the shore. Yeah, that and bounce up and down atop a limpid monarch while your husband stays at home polishing his sword.

Having extracted the truth from Katelyn with the unstoppable drippiness of her interrogation, Guinevere joins Arthur to confront her dad like the vegetarian stamp collectors they are and sort out all the bother with the sheer force of their combined blandness.

Igraine bumps into Merlin in a dark corner of the castle and tells him not to be a stranger before trying to suck his face clean off his head. While it's clear he hasn't washed in a while, she looks like she's fresh from a long session banging herself against some rocks by the river. The fact that she's making passes at fetid conjurers is perhaps a sign she needs to get out more.

Merlin goes all silly while Igraine tends to his wounds but he pulls away when she lunges in for the snog and minces off to, I dunno, scribble some more pentangles on his bedroom wall or something.

So Morgan is now poised to challenge Arthur's throne backed up by about 45 angry villagers and a Machiavellian nun while herself prone to frequent bursts of uncontrollable shape-shifting. What could possibly go wrong?

Vivian Watch

Total number of perturbed/concerned/cautionary looks in Morgan's direction = 14. When she finally gets to convey a new emotion – say happiness or lust – no one could blame her for really letting rip and putting in some extra gesticulations. She went to Rada you know.

Highlights

• Guinevere is washing her hair (again) when she is surprised by a farmyard animal. "Your goat was in my chambers again. That's the second time this week," she says to the farmer. As euphemisms go, it's pretty descriptive. "Keep your goat under control," she adds entirely unnecessarily.

• Morgan's voice is getting deeper with every episode. A couple of her lines tonight sound like actual burps. Whatever she's smoking, she must be pulling the filters off and chuffing down 10 at a time.

• "You want a woman's touch?" Guinny says to Arthur later in the episode. She talks entirely in sexy entendres. Someone isn't getting an adequate portion in the matrimonial cake shop.

• Arthur's ponytail gives him the look of a sixth-former called Katrina who's just off for netball practice. Katrina doesn't play in attack, mind, because she's too timid. No, Katrina plays wing defence and ducks every time the ball comes near her face screaming, "My teen modeling career!"