This blog is devoted to stuff that white people like

Archive for February, 2009

Since all white people consider themselves to be “creative,” they are constantly in need of products and accessories that will allow them to capture their thoughts. One of the more popular products in recent years has been the Moleskine notebook.

This particular type of notebook is very expensive and was quite popular with writers and artists in the olden days. Needless to say, these are two properties that are highly coveted in the white community. In fact, it’s a good rule of thumb to know that white people like anything that old writers and artists liked: typewriters, journals, suicide, heroin, and trains are just a few examples.

Much like virtually everything else that white people like, these notebooks are considerably more expensive yet provide no additional functionality over regular notebooks that cost a dollar. Thankfully, since white people only keep their most original and creative ideas in the Moleskine, many of them will only be required to purchase one per lifetime.

But the the growing popularity of these little journals, is not without its own set of problems. One of the strangest side effects has been the puzzling situation whereby a white person will sit in an independent coffee shop with a Moleskine notebook resting on top of a Apple laptop. You might wonder why they need so many devices to write down thoughts? Well, if a white person has a great idea, they write it by hand, if they have a good idea, it goes into the computer.

Not only does this help them keep their thoughts organized, but it serves as a signal to the other white people in the shop that the owner of both instruments is truly creative. It screams: “I’m not using my computer to check email and read celebrity gossip, I’m using it to create art. Please ask me about it.”

So when you see a white person with one of these notebooks, you should always ask them about what sort of projects they are working on their free time. But you should never ask to actually see the notebook lest you ask the question “how are you going to make a novel out of five phone numbers and a grocery list?”

When you think about tattoo parlors, it conjures up images of sailors, gang members, hepatitis, and spring break. All of these are things that white people do not like, except for sailors but that only counts if they were sailing before Vietnam. Yet in spite of this, more and more white people are getting tattoos.

But do not make the mistake of thinking that white people like all tattoos. In fact, they hate a great number of them:

* Anything with an American Flag or Eagle

* References to Military Services

* Tribal Arm Bands

* “Heritage”

* Faces of children, spouses, or dead people

* Tattoos with more than one color

A white person getting a tattoo is a major step in their life as it presupposes that their taste at this given moment is good enough to sustain them for the rest of their lives. Needless to say, this is a near impossible task. This is why you don’t see a lot of white people with R.E.M. or Strokes tattoos.

White people can only get tattoos of the only thing that they are guaranteed to like in five years, and needless to say it’s a short list. But two things will never go out of style with white people: humor and irony.

An ironic/funny tat can come in many forms: a piece of bacon, old Nintendo characters, mustaches on the inside of their finger, or Asian Characters that say something funny and self-aware like “dim sum,””chicken fried rice,” or “I can’t read Chinese.”

The Chinese or Japanese character is an interesting case study about the dangers of getting a tattoo with a personal meaning. You see, about fifteen years ago these were considered to be acceptable. Then the wrong kind of white people started getting sentences like “trust no one” or words like “beauty,” “truth,” or “endurance.” To make a more modern analogy, it would be like The Arcade Fire being featured on a Jock Jams CD.

White people learned their lesson.

A white person with the right kind of tattoo is generally very popular within the white community since they have shown a demonstrated commitment to irony, humor, and in some cases, self-deprecation.

If you find yourself competing socially with one of these people, there are a few things you can do in order to defeat them.

Your saving grace is the fact that white people not only enjoy getting funny/ironic tattoos, but they really enjoy talking about them too! Therefore, it is essential that you already have 2-3 clever tattoo ideas ready to drop into a conversation.

“Yeah, that finger mustache is pretty cool but a lot of people have it. (Note: this is the meanest thing you can say). I’m thinking about getting a tattoo of a donut around my belly button or a picture of a hamburger on my forearm so I can order food when I’m in Japan.”

Your conversation partner will likely then tell you about the clever tattoos that they have been thinking of and before you know it they have forgotten all about your competition.