ECW on TNN by E.C. Ostermeyer

17.3.0

BLAH

This is your weekly journey into the Arena of Extreme, the "ECW on TNN" recap for Friday, 17 March 2K, and I'm ol' "Exudes Charm" himself.
Since this week's match is live on tape from Asbury Park, New Jersey, we open the show with the climax of the Chetti/Nova v. Impact Players tag match from the Worcester, MA. house show.
Joey Styles and Joel Gertner call the action.
A groggy Nova hits a fairly decent Senton bomb on Lance Storm, but fails to make a pin.
Dawn Marie Bytch submarines under the ropes and stops the count by raking the eyes of Nova.
Referee Jim Mollineaux is more than a little put out, and is just giving Dawn Marie hell! But Ms. Bytch is giving it back, syllable for descriptive syllable, with some very jiggly body language added for emphasis.
Whoops, there's Jazz rocketing past our friend Mr. Cameraman, and bulldogging Dawn Marie into the mat. Now Jazz, from a Schoolyard Straddle, is just beating the hell out of Dawn Marie's noggin. Jazz is clearly enjoying her work.

Styles: "This isn't a catfight, it's an ass-whipping!"

Well, it's too good to last.
Here's Jason (cf. "Guinness Book of Records under "World's Sexiest Man." Not!) in to pull Jazz off Dawn Marie.
A swung fist by Jason is ducked by the ever-nimble Jazz, who then nails him with her "Jazz Stinger" finisher.
Jazz then works the crowd, oblivious to Justin Credible's rodential presence in the ring.

"Behind you! Jazz! Behind you!" hollers Joey Styles, and Jazz finally does turn to look, only to get a mouthful of super-kick boot leather from Justin Credible.

Chris Chetti is in and, leaping over the fallen Jazz, super-kicks Justin Credible right in his lunch hole. Justin rides the Chetti whip across the ring, does a Flair Flip over the turnbuckles, and gets a stinging roundhouse kick from Chetti that sends him crashing to the floor.
Meanwhile, Lance Storm has gotten to his feet, and super-kicks Chetti out of the ring. Now Nova's back in the ring, (isn't this where we came in?) and boots Storm in the gut. Irish whip to the ropes is reversed, and as Nova rebounds, Lance Storm ducks out of the way, and Nova gets a knee in the back from Justin Credible, who had climbed back onto the ring apron.
Nova's groggy, but still has the presence of mind to duck out of Lance Storm's way as he comes charging in. Storm's momentum is too great, and he slams into Justin Credible, spinning him off the apron to the floor.
Nova, grabbing a handful of Lance Storm's trunks, pulls him into a Victory Roll. Nova's pin attempt only gets a two-count, as Lance Storm, with a tremendous flex of his legs, shoots Nova across the ring...
and into a kendo stick swung by Justin Credible. Whack! Nova staggers from the blow across his face. Lance Storm grabs a handful of trunks and executes a schoolboy press on Nova that has Nova's toes touching the mat over his head.

That's a winner for the Impact Players.

It's time once again for "ECW Poetry Corner", with your host, Joel,

"I make the women roar,
"Up and down the Jersey shore,
"And I always leave the sore...
(Joel's fellow thespian, Mr. Styles, does a theatrical wince so awful it would have shamed Jon Lovitz.)
"But they keep coming back for more...

Gertner!"

Joel is grinning like the kid who just swiped your lunch money. Styles is making a "just- swallowed-castor-oil" face as we go to

Opening Credits

And hey, not just any "Opening Credits" this week, but a sort of Reader's Digest version of the "Living Dangerously" PPV.

Gertner finally gets some backbone and stands up to "Cyrus the (Network) Virus." Cyrus, nonplussed by this show of aggression on the part of the normally pudding-like Joel, says Joel can call the PPV, and wishes him luck. Cyrus makes as to leave the ring. Gertner does his "Happy Chicken" dance, and gets Cyrus' $350 Tassle Bronzini in the chops for not paying attention.
Steve Corino is seen insulting Lori Fullington and her 10 year-old son, Tyler. Lori, obviously a woman with issues, pastes Corino one up side the head. This doesn't go unanswered as we next see Ms. Fullington in the ring, and being speared through a table by Rhino, as her groggy, beaten husband, Jim (the Sandman) looks on.
Later, in the "Texas Bull Rope" match, a crimson-browed Dusty Rhodes is seen getting a measure of revenge back for the Fullingtons by nailing Steve Corino with his signature "Bionic Elbow."
The lovely Ms. Elektra makes the most of the occasion by turning her back on "Dastardly" Danny Doring and "Angry Amish Warrior" Roadkill. She leaves, arm in arm, with the despicable Lou E. Dangerously.
ECW Heavyweight Champ Mike Awesome smashes an already 'squooshy' Kid Kash through a table.
And Holy Cow! They show that match where New Jack and ol' Grimes of "Da Baldies" leave a crater in the Danbury, CT arena floor!
The Impact Players win the "Three Way Dance" for the ECW World Tag-team titles.
Masato Tanaka shows Mike Awesome how to take care of an annoying quadriceps insertion injury.
Super Crazy wins the ECW World Television title, after getting a "Red Mist" facial from Yoshihiro Tajiri.
Rob Van Dam, still on crutches, confronts an enraged Rhino, whose blundering charge is neatly sidestepped by RVD. Rhino ends up with an unscheduled entree of "table garnished with ring-post!"
Super Crazy capitalizes, and moonsaults onto the fallen Rhino for the win.
Post match, Rhino gores RVD.
This concludes the ECW Opening Credits, and we return to

A close-up of Rob Van Dam.
Mr. Van Dam is smiling!
Apparently, he's none the worse for his being on the receiving end of a Rhino-powered spear through a table at the PPV.

"Welcome to "ECW on TNN!"
"I, of course, am everybody's favorite wrestler..."
RVD turns and says "Hey, say this with me..."
Mr. Cameraman pulls the shot back, and we see Bill Alfonso (with ball cap and whistle) and Super Crazy (with ECW World Television Title belt cradled in his arms.)

In unison, "Rob...Van...Dam!"

"Hey Crazy, this thing with you carrying my belt, I don't want you taking it too personally. You know, I just couldn't stand the thought of..."
(makes a face)
"... Rhi-no carrying my World TV title belt around, saying he's the champ. That makes me feel good!"
(Crazy is cradling the belt like it's his most prized possession. Fonzie is busy buffing the belt, making it shine, while trying not to drool all over it. He keeps patting Super Crazy on the shoulder.)
"I'm gonna be out a few weeks, so it might as well be you!"
(RVD slaps the belt. Crazy looks momentarily indignant, then grins hugely!)
"I mean, you're a superstar now, and I'm talking about limousine rides"...
(SC: "Whoooo!")
"First Class..."
(SC: "Taco tacos?")
"Green Cards...(?)...Yeah, ALL of that stuff!"
(Super Crazy looks positively beatific!)
"You're gonna be the hottest thing since that little Chihuahua!"
"Hey, and I don't mind a bit you carrying around 'my' TV Title, but just keep in mind that I'm gonna be coming back in a few weeks..."
(RVD looks directly into the camera)
"... and I WILL be coming back!..."
(Super Crazy looks troubled and hugs the TV Title closer.)
"...and in the meantime, while you're carrying My Title, just remember that it is MY Television Title, and we'll be, we'll be getting' along fine!"
"Hey, congratulations on your victory! Enjoy it!"
(BIG grin from RVD)
"As long as it lasts!"
"C'mon, say this one more time, okay? World Television Title..."
(All three in unison again, even doing the "thumb thing!")
"...Rob...Van...Dam! The Whole... F'n...Show!"
RVD: "Good luck, Craze! C'mon, Fonzie"
Super Crazy: "T'enk yoo!"
(kisses the title belt, then looks to see if RVD has truly "left the building.")

Then, to Fonzie, and in his native tongue, Super Crazy launches into a detailed analysis of Mr. Van Dam's existence on the planet in general, and his mental stability in particular. The gist of the analysis is that Mr. Van Dam is "mucho loco", and that the World TV Title is HIS (Super Crazy's) tonight!

Fonzie, smiling (ruefully?) says "Try riding with him for two years, Daddy!"
Super Crazy pantomimes a looong "bogart", points after Rob Van Dam, and looks quizzically at Fonzie.
Fonzie, again smiling ruefully, nods his head in confirmation.

RVD (off stage): "Fonzie, get over here. You talkin' business with Crazy?"
Fonzie: (blows whistle, startling Super Crazy) "Not a chance, Daddy, it's me and you!." and heads off after RVD.
Super Crazy cradles the TV Title belt like a newborn, and kisses it.
"Es mi ahora!"

Back to Asbury Park (GREETINGS! Sorry, couldn't resist!). The Baldies are already in the ring, trying to work up some cheap heel heat from the crowd. Angel is particularly evocative tonight.

Is that Metallica I hear?

Yup, and all the fans go berserk as the "First Runner-up in the "Best Easter Season Tune"- category at the Grammys fires up.
And there He is, six-pack o' Stroh's, twenty-one pack o' smokes, and Singapore cane in tow.
The Hardcore Legend himself. The Sandman.

Gertner: "EVERY day is St. Patrick's Day when you're the Sandman!"

Sandman's making his way to the ring, sharing brew-ski's with various appreciative fans as he goes.

Gertner is nattering on about how lucky Super Crazy's family is, since the gold on the TV Title belt could be melted down and keep all of them very comfortable in their mud hut for a couple of years, or words to that effect.
Then Joey Styles, (on behalf of ECW, TNN, and the American People!), apologizes to Super Crazy, his family, and the whole Hispanic community for Mr. Gertner's obviously flawed behavior.

Sandman's still touring the facility, and passing out guzzles to anyone with an open mouth.

N.B:
You know, WCW and WWF weekly expend thousands of dollars in stage design, costuming, and pyrotechnics just to make their wrestler's entrances look spectacular for us fans.
Yet, with all of that money, staging, costuming, and pyrotechnics that the Big Two expend each week, they still can't even get close to the sheer, awesome, testosterone-laden angst of several thousand die-hard ECW fans all howling the lyrics of Metallica's terrifying "Enter, Sandman" at War Emergency Volume!

The Defense Department should show a video clip of this phenomenon once a year to America's potential enemies.
Say nothing, just show them the clip.
Let the bad guys out there see what happens when we "Ugly Americans" ALL get pissed off about something!

Ahem...

To think that WCW had this guy as one of their very own...

And named him "Hak".

And kept him as a mid-card jobber.

Foley was right about you guys.

Sheesh! I wax poetic and highly agendized at the same time! There's only one cure for this:

Commercials

ECW Extreme Warfare, volume 2.
If you are a by-God wrestling fan, buy this video. Mick "Cactus Jack" Foley and Mikey Whipwreck put on one heckuva great match, even more so because it was Foley's farewell match in ECW before heading to the WWF, Mankind, and Mr. Socko! Spend your WCW "Uncensored" PPV money on something you'll ENJOY, not to mention OWN!
'Nuff said.
ECW Action Figures. Spot who's left and whose left!
hrblockdotcom.
Marijuana addiction can be cured with basketball.
Just don't have that pie-faced David Arquette-Cox (Cox-Arquette?) teaching it.
Polaris ATV's. Way cool!
Manny, Moe, and Jack: the Pep Boys!
Acclaim's "ECW Hardcore Revolution: the video game!"

The match opens with the Sandman popping a Stroh's in the ring, then stepping aside as Angel's charge thunders past. Sandman takes a cane swipe at DeVito, but gets nothing but air. Angel doesn't miss, however, and spears the Sandman to the mat.

DeVito picks up the Singapore cane, and rolls outside the ring.

Angel's got the ring microphone. This ought to be good...

"...on me bitch? Huh? Take this, you son of ..."
POW! Mic. shot to the forehead of the Sandman.
"... Whuz-up, Sandman, you f'n drunk?"
(to the fans) "Is THIS the hero you wanta cheer for?"
Crowd: "Yeeaaahh!"
Spinning heel kick flattens Sandman.
"Well, f' him, Git up! Git...Up! GIT..."
POW! Another mic. shot to Sandman's forehead!
"Whuts UP, bitch? Huh?"
Sandman staggers to his feet, then falls across the middle rope.
Angel: "DeVito, CANE his f'n ass!"
Whack! DeVito wallops Sandman across the head, busting up the Singapore cane, and the Sandman is down.
Cover by Angel, 1,2, but the Sandman kicks out.
Angel's provoked with referee Mike Heener about the long count.
Angel with a Big Left Hand to Sandman's forehead, then stuffs him into the corner.
However, Sandman's beginning to mount some offense.
There's a left elbow to the gut. And another. And another, staggering Angel. A Big Left hand from the Sandman, and Angel's kissing canvas.
Sandman with a rake to Angel's eyes, then grabs him by the collar.
Sandman looking around, as the crowd's cheering like mad, then Angel gets the bum's rush over the top ropes and onto the floor at ringside.

While all of this is going on, Messrs. Styles and Gertner refrain from calling the match.
In honor of St. Patrick's Day, they are instead discussing the merits of a purely xenophobic lifestyle.

Back to the action, where Sandman is out of the ring, pursuing Angel, but gets a boot in the gut for his troubles.
Angel's setting up the Sandman for another whack from DeVito's cane, but Sandman first blocks, and then reverses it into a whip into the steel guardrail, Angel landing very hard!
(We fans watching at home are treated to a good shot of the back of DeVito's head for most of this action. Mr. Cameraman must have trainees with him today.)

Gertner, ever mindful of the solemnity of the St. Patrick's Day holiday, utters the phrase "Erin Go Bra-less!"
To which Joey Styles rejoins, "I...I don't know Erin, but if she has a nice rack..."
Dead silence from Gertner.
Styles: "This is where you follow up with 'Dawn Marie Go Bra-less!', or 'Elektra Go Bra-less!"
Gertner: "That WOULD be nice! I echo those sentiments WHOLEHEARTEDLY!"

Ho ho ha ha.

Sandman's taking Angel to the ramp. Big Left Hand puts Angel on the floor. Grimes is on the stage entrance, and he's waving the Sandman's cane over his head. The Sandman see him and chases Grimes through the curtains to the back stage area.
Then Sandman reappears, carrying a section of steel guardrail. The crowd jacks up immediately. "ECW! ECW! ECW!"
Sandman scoops the section of guardrail high over his head, the suplexes it onto the unfortunate Angel, who becomes the unwilling filler to a floor-guardrail sandwich.
Sandman adjusts his fly, then sneers at the writhing Angel, lifts the guardrail off him and tosses it into the ring. Next, it's Angel who gets tossed into the ring, and Sandman climbs in after him.
Angel's doing a passable "Flair Plead", but it doesn't do him any good, as POW!, Sandman lands a Big Left Hand on Angel. There's a chop ("Whoooo!") that Angel sells like he just had his collarbone jerked out.
Styles: "That hurt!"
Gertner: (sarcastically) "Incisive commentary from Joey Styles in the overstatement of the obvious! Next, he'll tell us that the Sandman has a "slight drinking problem!"

The guardrail section is leaning against the turnbuckles.
Sandman moves in on Angel, and boots him in the gut, but gets one back that doubles him over. Angel throws Sandman in to the corner and starts pummeling him with punches and kicks. There's a big chop by Angel ("Whoooo!") Angel sets up for the whip across the ring, but Sandman reverses and Angel lands sideways with a sickening crunch across the steel guardrail, bending, but NOT breaking it!
Yeowtch!
Hey, Joey! THAT hurt!
Sandman moves the steel guardrail to the middle ropes, tests it for "spring", finds none, then gets Angel and wallops him with another Big Left Hand. Angel's back up, doing a punch-drunk "Put 'em up, put 'em up!" routine. Sandman's "shaking the bees" out of his left hand. POW! Again with the left hand, and Angel topples onto the guardrail griddle.
Sandman goes up top for the guillotine leg drop onto the groggy Angel, but Angel has enough grey cells left to see Awful Danger when it's coming, and rolls off the guardrail. The Sandman, deprived of his punch-drunk "cushion", takes one in the "in-seam" from the guardrail that looks painful as all get out!
It had ME wincing.

Styles: "He may have pulled a hamstring!"
Gertner: "Or WORSE!"

Angel's back up, and sees his opening. Quickly, he pinions the Sandman's arms behind him, hollering for DeVito to whack him one with the cane. DeVito steps up to the plate, sets up like Sammy Sosa swinging for the bleachers, but Sandman ducks and Angel gets DeVito's major whack from that busted cane across his noggin. Angel is down. Sandman's got the cane; one whack, then a "White Russian" leg-sweep and DeVito is down as well.
Sandman with a whack or three on Angel, and the "King of the Streets" goes down for the final time. Sandman does a recumbent pin, and gets the win (5:47).
Standing ovation from the fans at ringside for all concerned, and well deserved, too.

Joey Styles says that the "pot o' gold" for the Sandman is burying that Singapore cane in the skulls of Steve Corino and Rhino.

We see Cyrus and Rhino sitting, dejected, on a bench in the locker room.
Rhino looks like he's crying!
Cyrus: "You know, when this whole thing started, I was enjoying it. It wasn't personal, it was business. Network business!
"So now, Gertner, now that you've picked your teeth up off the floor, after I kicked them out. You go ahead and enjoy yourself with your dirty little limericks.
"Joel, you keep making your 'snarky' little grins, and your little inside jokes. You go ahead and enjoy yourselves.
"In fact, EVERYBODY here at ECW, you go out and enjoy yourselves as well.
"Just remember, I have the power to PULL THE PLUG!
"I could send this company back to the STONE AGE!
"Anybody who's followed my career knows I've killed territories before, and I'll kill 'em again.
"But the only thing even better than killing off the (makes a face) Extreme Championship Wrestling phenomenon, would be to keep it alive. So I could play with it, like a cat plays with a mouse.
"So I could mess with it.
"So I could TORTURE it!
"And THAT... is what The Network is gonna do to ECW."
(Cyrus cues Rhino with a nudge to his knee.)

Styles' face breaks out into a grin. Now he looks like a pious gecko with gas.

Still to come, Masato Tanaka gets another crack at Mike Awesome's ECW World Heavyweight Title, but right now, it's time for some more

Commercials

Half-naked pics of Elektra are up on the ECWwrestlingdotcom site. Whoopee.
Yamaha Roadsters. One big ol' Rice Rocket. Why not spend the extra money and buy a Harley? Hmmmm?
Census 2000 PSA.
"So where is it decided how $185 BILLION in federal funds gets spent?"
Hey, here's a thought: how's about we never send the $185 Billion in, and spend it ourselves? Just "eliminate the middleman", as it were?
BTW, anybody out there get the notorious Census 2000 "Long Form"? What about some of those VERY personal questions it asks? This is YOUR future, resting in the feds' hands.
And remember, if Gene Okerlund's arrest report can show up on the 'Net, how much of YOUR personal info do you want floating around in cyberspace? Or in the hands of the feds? The same bunch who left the White House email system wide open for everybody to read?
Food for thought. No?

Mentor a kid. Good idea.
Toby Keith. C&W recording artist. Wears 'spensive western duds. Shills for 10-10-220.
Must be his day job, hah?
Roller Jam! Where the girls just want to have fun! If your idea of fun is assault and battery. (Attention Cyndi Lauper! Contact your copyright lawyer!)
TNN Thrill Zone Friday promo. Rockin' Bowl looks to be on opposite the farm reports now.

And we're back. Steve Corino's in the ring along with his chief stooge, Jack Victory. Corino's wearing his "American Nightmare" outfit.
Victory is slightly more lifelike than Al Gore.
Corino starts to speak, but the referee beats him to it:
"Hey 'Dream', when you're through, you have a match tonight!"
The ref., grinning, shows Corino the booking sheet.
Corino glances at it, then stares in open-mouthed horror!
The ref's grin gets even broader.
Corino mouths a name to Victory.
It looks like... naw, it COULDN'T be...
Corino's suddenly smitten with a BAD case of cramps.
Victory goes over and checks the ref's sheet just to be sure.
He returns, and confirms Corino's opponent.

Corino is most definitely not pleased with the news:

"Excuse me. (whining.)
"Excuuuse Me!
"When did I get heat with the Office?
"I'm a "Yes" man; I've basically done everything that they asked me to do.
"All I've asked was to be on TV, and, once in a while, wrestle.
"But tonight, they've got me... I'm wrestling... him??!
"He's a convicted felon! He's a mass murderer!
"Don't they watch TV in Rhode Island?
"They've...they...oohhh, I'm gonna wrestle New Jack!"

New Jack comes out, wearing a do-rag and shredded camos, and dragging his "can o' plundah!"
Corino's pleading, begging New Jack to let him off!
New Jack points at Corino, then tosses the plundah! can into the ring, then follows it through the ropes.
Corino's frantically searching his pockets, looking for some cash, ANY cash, to buy his way out of this mugging.
Jack walks up and bops him one in the head, then starts digging through the can o' plundah! for suitable weaponry.

Out comes a cookie sheet.
Blap! "Cookie sheet-fu" on Corino's forehead.
Out comes a crutch.
"Crutch-fu" to the gut, but the crutch didn't break!
No matter, "crutch-fu" to the back, and that time it broke!
Out comes a REAL six-string guitar.
After an appropriate pantomime riff series for appreciative fans
STIFF "Guitar-fu" shot to Corino's head!

Jack Victory's in the ring, trying to save his lunch ticket.
A series of forearm shots drives New Jack out of the ring, and Victory follows him to the floor.
Only to run into
Yeowtch!
"Bite-the-eyeball-fu" from New Jack!
Big Right Hand from New Jack puts Victory over the guardrail and into the seats.
New Jack follows, grabs Jack Victory by the collar, and heads off toward the balcony, as we break for these

Commercials

(BTW, my thanks to Joe Bob Briggs of "TNT Monstervision" fame for the "-fu" idea used above. You rule Joe Bob! And your role in "Casino" was WAY too small!)

"Titus" promo. This show looks to be a hoot.
"Beyond the Mat" promo. Ditto.
Acclaim's "ECW Hardcore Revolution". Double ditto.
Now! Cure joint stiffness in oldsters with cow hoof extract!
PBR Bull-riding from St. Louis. Real f'n fans. Real f'n bulls. Real f'n HARD!
Besides, where do you think they get the cow hoof extract?
Support the National Kidney Foundation.
Really.
I mean that.

We return to the action in time to witness New Jack busting open Jack Victory on a convenient table just below the balcony.
Now, New Jack's doing "goat trails" up to said balcony.
Up. Up. UP!
Jeez, he must be twenty feet above the floor! New jack poses for a moment, standing over the "ECW on TNN" sign, when

Styles: " OH MY GOD!!"

New Jack dives twenty feet off the balcony, squashing Jack Victory through the table and onto the concrete floor of the arena!
Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!"
Jack Victory is unconscious from the impact, and New Jack is hurt: he's doubled up clutching his left ribs.
The ECW Security "Black Suits" and a couple of trainers are over to check on the combatants. Jack Victory's done for the day, but New Jack nods "yes", that he can continue.
So, we are treated to the sight of two "Black Suits" half-carrying, half-dragging a doubled-up New Jack back to the ring.
The "Suits" get to the guardrail and sort of... "pour"...New Jack over it. Then to the ring, and the suits gingerly boost New Jack through the ropes. Jeez Lou-weez, those ribs must HURT!
There's spent plundah! all over the ring, and Steve Corino's still lying in a heap to one side.
Referee Jim Mollineaux, still fresh as a daisy, tries to bring order out of chaos.
He doesn't succeed too well, as Yoshuhiro Tajiri is up on the apron to distract referee Mollineaux, while Rhino sneaks into the ring to spear New Jack.
It just isn't New Jack's day. Adding insult to injury, he clips the steel rim of the garbage can with the back of his head as he goes down.
Rhino picks up Corino like a sack of potatoes, and drops him across New Jack's unconscious body. Jim Mollineaux counts to three, and Steve Corino's your winner (4:19).

Afterwards, we viewers at home are treated to not one, but FOUR replays of New Jack's dive off the balcony, each one in excruciating detail.

Joel Gertner and Joey Styles are looking solemn. No smiles, not even little ones.

Styles: "This week, it was New Jack. Last week here on TNN, we saw Rhino destroy Little Spike Dudley, ECW's "Iron Man!"
"And now it appears that Spike Dudley will need re-constructive knee surgery, and be out a minimum of nine months."
Gertner, ('shooting' for once): " I've had my disagreements with Spike Dudley, but nine MONTHS?! That's rough for any athlete to suffer."

ECW catalog on ecwwrestlingdotcom
ECW Magazine, which has been dropped by the current publisher. Get your collector's copy today!

We end the commercial messages for the moment, and see Raven, seated in gloom, the lower torso of Francine lurking with intent behind him.

He speaks:

"Tommy, I understand what you're going through. Because I, too, have been left lying and had my woman taken from me.
"But to put this in terms that I think you could understand better, just pretend that life is like a game of cards.
"Except that the cards you and I are dealt are composed of fine, blown glass.
"And, as we build friendships, the bond between me and you, the love between you and Francine, we turn over more and more cards.
"But then, some day, something happens, and the cards are swept off the table, to shatter into a million pieces.
"And all we want is for those cards to be intact.
"But wasn't the point, in the first place, just to play a game of cards?"

Styles: " He (Awesome) stands 6'6", tips the scales at just under 300 lbs, and is perpetually p-o'ed!"

Referee John Finnegan shows the Heavyweight Title belt to all assembled, then checks each wrestler for foreign objects and other weapons of mass destruction.
Finnegan then calls for the bell, and Awesome immediately signals Judge Jeff Jones to toss him a steel chair, which he does.
Tanaka sees this, and wisely ducks out of the ring. Now Tanaka's back, and has his own steel chair.
Both men in the center of the ring, and
Whack! Clang! ,
begin dueling with the steel chairs.
"Clunk!"
and Tanaka's chair goes spinning.
"Whack!"
and Tanaka gets a chair shot right in the head.
There's another, but Tanaka's no-selling like crazy. A third chair-shot from Awesome is blocked by Tanaka.
Tanaka then counters with a kick in the gut, and takes Awesome's chair away from him.
"Wham!"
and down goes Mike Awesome.
Tanaka with an Irish Whip, sends Awesome into the corner, then follows up with a STIFF running elbow smash on Awesome's kisser.
Tanaka's up top and sets for the tornado DDT, but Awesome counters with a boot to Tanaka's gut.
Attempted Irish Whip by Awesome gets reversed with a neat go-behind by Tanaka, who then hits a nicely rotated powerslam on Awesome, bringing applause from the crowd.
Standing dropkick from Tanaka sends Awesome to the outside, and Tanaka climbs to the top turnbuckle and hurls himself onto Mike Awesome in a sloppy giant splash.

Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!"

Irish whip by Tanaka sends Awesome into the steel guardrail. Tanaka grabs a chair, but his attempted chair smash gets reversed, as Awesome kicks the chair into Tanaka's face, stunning him.
Now Awesome cinches up Tanaka for a suplex, and

Styles: "Oh My GOD!"

Awesome drops Tanaka chest first onto the steel guardrail! Jeez, did you see Tanaka bounce?
Tanaka's doubled over in pain, and holding his left side as we break (unbelievably!) for some

Back to the action, as we see Tanaka up top, and nailing Awesome with a Tornado DDT. The DDT took something out of Tanaka as well, because he's still holding his left side in obvious pain.
Tanaka goes back up top, and hits a Missile Dropkick from the top turnbuckle that sends Mike Awesome to the canvas. Tanaka's still holding his ribs, but manages a cover, although Awesome kicks out at the two-count.
A rebound off the ropes by Tanaka meets a sit-out Awesome Bomb from Mike. Awesome, exhausted, only manages to place a weak hand on Tanaka's chest for the pin attempt, which Tanaka rolls out of.
Awesome's now in three-point stance, as Tanaka gets groggily to his feet. A running clothesline out of the three-point stance levels Tanaka. Cover by Awesome, but no pin.
Another sit-out Awesome Bomb yields the same result as before.
Mike Awesome is getting frustrated as to just how to defeat Masato Tanaka.
Awesome Splash from the top turnbuckle, but that doesn't work, either.
Now Mike is calling for a table, which Judge Jeff Jones obligingly provides.
Awesome leans the table against the turnbuckles, then sets up Tanaka for the Running Awesome Bomb.
Tanaka, sensing danger, wiggles free, and ducks a follow-up running clothesline. Tanaka with two punches to Mike Awesome's breadbasket, then sets up Awesome for a suplex through the table.
But Awesome just keeps right on rolling through the suplex, reverses it, and drives Tanaka through the table.

Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!"

Awesome drags Tanaka from the wreckage, hooks the far leg for the pin attempt, but, unbelievably, Tanaka gets a shoulder up.
Referee Finnegan is trying to clear the ring of debris.
Mike Awesome slooowly gets to his feet.
He drags Tanaka up, then hits a running Awesome Bomb across the ring, then hooks the near leg, 1,2, Tanaka grabs the ring ropes.
Awesome calls for another table, (Crowd: "Table! Table! Table!") and sets this one up in the ring. Awesome picks up Tanaka, punches him in the gut, and plants him on the table.
Awesome climbs to the top turnbuckle, setting up for the Awesome Splash on the tabled Tanaka.
Tanaka's been "playin' possum', and leaps off the table, scampers up and crotches Mike Awesome on the top turnbuckle.
Awesome tries to punch himself free, but Tanaka's relentless. Both men are now on the top turnbuckle; you can almost see the ring-post bending from the strain, and the crowd's going out of it's collective mind, when

Styles: "Oh my GOD!"

Tanaka SUPERPLEXES Mike Awesome off the top turnbuckle, and through the table. Jeez, that looked STIFF!
Referee Jim Finnegan is over to check on both wrestlers. Looking for signs of life, probably.

Crowd: "ECW! ECW! ECW!"

Tanaka, still grimacing in pain, pins Awesome on the remains of the table he just destroyed, 1,2, no!
Tanaka gets to his feet, dragging Awesome along, and hurls him into the corner.
There's a couple of stiff forearm shots to Awesome's gut, but Tanaka can't follow up as the pain from his ribs nearly doubles him over.
Either Tanaka's in real trouble, or he's selling the hell out of the move.
Tanaka's pushing through the pain, and hits a half-steam Roaring Elbow on Awesome's noggin. A running clothesline from Tanaka gets reversed, as Mike Awesome does the go-behind, and gives Tanaka some "Frequent Flyer Miles" with a long release German suplex. But Tanaka bounces back up, does the run-in, short-stops the Awesome Boot, spins Mike Awesome around and NAILS a full-power Roaring Elbow. Tanaka with a lateral press and a cover, but Referee Jim Finnegan is distracted by Judge Jeff Jones capering around on the ring apron. Tanaka does his own three-count to attract the ref's attention, but Finnegan's not paying attention.

Raven with Evenflo DDT on Tanaka.
Raven with Evenflo DDT on Referee Jim Finnegan. (DQ 8:54 or thereabouts, though the bell doesn't get rung until MUCH later!)

Raven's telling the crowd at ringside to move WAYYY back, and take the steel guardrail with them.
Crowd complies.
Raven and Mike Awesome discuss aerodynamics and the theory of flight for a bit, then a
Super Awesome Bomb puts Masato Tanaka through the table on the outside of the ring.

Crowd: "Bull Shit! Bull Shit!"

Now Jado, Gedo, Super Crazy, and a whole lot of the other "international" wrestlers are out to extract Masato Tanaka from the remains of the table. Tanaka's not moving, and everybody's concerned. There's the trainer, who should be getting a combat-medic's pay for this evening's work.
Now Tommy Dreamer's in the ring, and gets off a flurry of punches and kicks on Raven. It doesn't last, as Mike Awesome decks him with a Big Right Hand. Raven with the Evenflo DDT on Tommy Dreamer, and then, adding insult to injury, follows it up with the "Bowery Booger Blower" to Dreamer's face.
Mike Awesome has another table in the ring. He collects Tommy Dreamer and, with a running Awesome Bomb, smashes Dreamer through the table!

Crowd: "Bull Shit! Bull Shit!"

Raven clears the remains of the table off Dreamer's unconscious body.
Then, Raven slumps down beside Tommy, as the ECW "Black Suits" and trainers are busy working on Dreamer through the ropes.

Joey Styles: "Mike Awesome and Raven have formed an Unholy Alliance! Tune in again, next week, to ECW, right here on TNN, as we try to figure out just what the hell happened here tonight!"

"New Look" closing credits look suspiciously like the Opening Credits, but have the copyright legalese at the bottom.