Today In Things Too Dangerous For The Public: Drumming On Empty Bean Cans

Listen to me very carefully, children of the United Kingdom. Don’t you dare click this play button. If you click it, you’ll see people singing, having what looks to be a nice time and playing the drums on tin cans. When you see that, you’re going to want to do it yourself. And when you do it yourself, you’re going to get injured. So don’t you dare click that button, you hear me?

You clicked it, didn’t you? I know you did. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Fine. Keep it up. But when you get yourself hurt, don’t come running to me or to the Advertising Standards Authority. There’s a reason they banned that commercial from broadcast television. They know you can’t be trusted with dangerous things like tin cans and must be protected from your own child-like stupidity.

In the ad, several people are seen singing and drumming on empty tin cans. The song has a positive message about love, but the ASA fears it carries more sinister connotations: If a child were to try replicating the song with his or her own cans, they might cut themselves on the sharp edges of the can’s lip or lid.

According to Heinz, who’s beans are being recklessly shilled in the above ad, no injuries have been reported, because of course they haven’t. But the ASA isn’t budging.

“We considered there was a health and safety risk [in recreating the ‘Can Song’] particularly if a child was to attempt to play the song with an empty tin without adult supervision,” it said in a statement.

I’m not trying to say it’s impossible to nick yourself on a can. I’ve done it once or twice. Much like paper cuts, it’s amazing how much those little scratches can bleed sometimes. But strangely, the only times I’ve run afoul of the can gods have been when I’ve been using them properly. Ditto for everyone else I’ve ever seen have this happen. So maybe we need to ban cans altogether lest a child try to prepare and eat something. Clearly that’s much more dangerous. And hey, cans have paper on them, and there’s a reason it’s called a paper cut. So yeah, down with cans, and down with paper! Thank you, ASA. You have no idea how many lives you’ve saved today.