I know it has been so long since I’ve sum up my goings in here. But I promise I’ll try to do it more often this upcoming year. I have so many plans and my life has FINALLY started to roll to right direction – well, the direction I wanted it to go for so long!

If I should check how my promises for the year 2014 went. Here they are!

Saerwen’s goals for the year 2014!

1. STAY HEALTHY AS POSSIBLE

– Well I think I was surprisingly healthy, but towards the end of the year I had one flue and really bad stomach flue. Had like 5 flare ups during the whole year which isn’t much.

2. Get in to school – finally

– YES. Yes I did! I’m currently in school for becoming a laboratory assistant and going to definitely apply further after finishing this school. Now I feel like I’ve started to work towards my ultimate profession and it makes me feel super greatful.

3. Lose some fat and get my bf around 20%

– I didn’t get around 20 %, but I did loose some fat and gain a lot of muscle. Which is good. Although now looking back this promise I feel a bit silly, but hey, that’s what I wanted and that’s what I aimed for! Haha.

4. Live life

– I have experience so many new things past year. I went so see ice hockey, went on a cruice, got into this floorball team, got plenty of new friends… Woah. So much happend in this year. In good in bad. And I can say finally that I LIVED the year 2014.

Last year had in one of the most shcoking thing in my life. Never thought I would be experience that much pain as I did, even though I kind of understand it – believe it or not. Life is too short to live hoping your dream come true than making it true and I got cruel reminder about it. But I’ve moved on and let go of it. It hurt and almost tore me apart, but I’m stronger than that. I wish best of the luck all of them and have no hard feelings!

It’s been really amazing rollacoaster ride though. Not all that bad. So many people I wanna thank about this amazing year, but one above all is my bf. He’s been my rock when everything else has come falling down and I thank him for putting up with my sh*t. I got lucky, truly did! And the other is my family – having that one place to go and turn everything off is truly a blessing.

He’s also one of the main reasons I started playing floorball again. I didn’t have any faith in my skills and I still am a rookie taking consideration my age, but I never would have thought that I would be able to be part of something so amazing as my team. They are amazing, talented bunch of ladies and I am so honored to be able to practice and spend time with them. Go Welhot!

Here’s pictures about the year 2014 and the best parts of it!

So what am I wishing for the year 2015

1. Keeping my health as good as it is now

2. Be a much better floorball player

3. Be successful at school

4. Learn to be as positive person towards myself as I am towards others

This year’s wishes are actually more mental than physical. Yes I wanna keep improving my skills as a player but more importantly I want to learn deal with myself as a player. As this new me that I am these days. My life is hectic, my life is living a day by day hour by hour and can’t much schedule my life ahead. So I need to learn to except it and grow with it. It is a pretty amazing year coming and I wanna make the most of it!

Since this has been a lot on the plate lately I decided to make my opinions clear.

Source: click the image

As anybody who knows even a bit about me knows that I adore WC games and Olympic hockey games. Lately my opinions about the great big hockey countries have made some people start arguing with me about the topic. Let me get this straight: YES, I’ve said that I have this kind-of-sort-of hatred towards Canada and US hockey teams. Why? Well, I can say now that maybe hatred is a bit too harsh word. I do have huge amount of respect for both countries and their input to this marvelous game, but when it comes to international stage of hockey I can’t help but wonder why they are treated differently? I mean, in Olympic games there are rule that in very Canada and US games there must be a NHL referee no matter referee’s nationality. I actually do get this and understand it, no problem. But still, I find it a bit controversy that you can have Canadian head referee in Canadian’s game… Or likewise with US. Is that really equality when it comes to other European countries? I mean if that’s the case then why can’t there be a Russian referee at Russian’s games? Yes, they are professional and blaablaa but I have to wonder can you really put all that aside if you have at least that ichi bitchy intrest in hockey?

I also won’t be afraid to tell that how I see things. In this game winning is the only thing that counts but if the loosing team played better in my mind or in paper or fight well I will state it. Absolutely. It’s need to be said even though they loose and it’s not about being a bad looser, it’s about stating the facts and saying “Yes we lost but we did do some good things”. As a Finn I hear way too often how our own people disminish our wins and try to find reasons for why we lost. “Omg we didn’t have that good goalie so that’s the reason why we lost”… Usually it ain’t just one thing why you loose. You just simply didn’t do better and/or didn’t have that little bit of luck that is absolutely needed in these games in my mind.

And the other thing: All the big countries trash talk about WC games when they don’t exceed in them. Because there ain’t all the best players and blaablaa.Then they suddenly say that U20 WC games are WAYYY important. So all I wanna say here is that: shut the eff up and be humble! My country’s like “arch enemy” is Sweden and I get a bit horrified every year how great scale that trash talk can get during the WC games of ice hockey. I think the same thing goes around with USA and Canada. It’s insane! Nope. I’m not saying that there shouldn’t be this at all – To a certain mount it’s good and it needs to be there to make the games more interesting, but c’mon…

Source: click the image

It should always be an honor and priviledge to be playing for your country, no matter if the stage is WC games or Olympics. And there are no easy nations in the field of ice hockey these days. For example look at Switzerland – great game at WC 2013 and they almost won gold! Way to go! OR how Slovenia beat Slovakia in Olympics this year. I think the diversity in everything is beautiful. Not all like or should like roses, since lilies are as equally beautiful flower. And we should respect the others even though the healthy amount of nationalism in hockey is always at its place.

I’ve been pondering this thing over the last few months or so. Not only I’ve started a new relationship I’ve had a lot health things going on. And the people that really know me understand that when I’m sick I concentrate 100% on my well-being and nothing else. That’s probably the reason why I’ve lost so many great friends over the years – they just don’t understand it.

I don’t like to talk about my personal life since I feel like it’s all I have left in my exposed life with these illnesses and everything. I try to keep the talk on the matter and not discuss at the office’s coffee table about what I’m planning to do on the weekend. Some people understand it, some don’t. A lot of times people see me as a really mysterious and cautious person. Then the other part of people don’t even know what I’m going through and think that I’m perfectly normal garl in her 20’s. I dreaded that I should have to talk about what I’ve been through with total strangers. Why would I? Every time people ask me about my background I could feel the butterflies in my stomach.

But I’ve learnt over the years that I wasn’t afraid of everyone else’s opinions about me. No. I had this huge fear of myself. I weren’t came to grips with what had happened to me. I was ashamed for a long time. Then I met Stascia. I had this sudden courage to speak out loud to her after I’ve read her story. At one night I did. I could feel how she spread her courage in me and couple months afterwards I asked her if she would like to read my story and make the necessary changes to it so it would came out good. And the rest you can read here on the page “The broken curtain call”.

I’m currently at work about to take off and start my weekend. These past few months got me thinking that time when I kind of came out with my story and let myself have a peace. I don’t fear myself anymore. I’ve accepted the facts and moved on. Do I feel bitter at time to times? I do, I’m not gonna lie. All the pains and aches I feel these days are just cruel reminders of my past that try time to time bring my mood down. But I won’t let it happen. I can’t. It’ll be the end of me and I don’t want that. I wanna see what life has to offer me and even though as a bit of pessimist I’ll try to see the good in it.

It’s so strange these days to see that old fear raising its head about the most odd things. I guess you can’t never truly erase any fear, but you can always fight back.