The Lord, the Son, the Holy See, and other Doings

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Christ Appears In Roman Court To Contest 2,000-Year-Old Riot Charges. ROME—Complaining that He had better things to do than get up early to contest the “totally bullshit” claims, Jesus Christ, Light of the World and Lamb of God, reportedly appeared in Roman Municipal Court on Wednesday to face several 2,000-year-old riot charges.

“Like, I wasn’t even in Jerusalem during the Cleansing of the Temple, so I have no clue why I’m being accused of all this stuff,” said Christ, who elected to represent Himself in the proceedings, during which He forcefully denied a series of millennia-old allegations including disturbing the peace by overturning the tables of moneylenders, incitement to riot by pouring out their coins, and flouting Roman open-container laws by carrying a chalice of red wine in the streets of Galilee.
Pope Francis Scouring Papal Tombs For Final Easter Egg Of Vatican Hunt. New Evidence Reveals Christ Lounged In Tomb For Extra Hour Before Finally Rising From Grave. JERUSALEM—Saying they now understood the earliest moments of the Resurrection in greater detail than ever before, archaeologists from Cambridge University announced compelling new evidence Tuesday revealing that Jesus Christ lounged for an extra hour in his tomb before finally rising from the dead.

“It’s important to understand that Jesus had been deceased for three whole days—he didn’t just pop up from the grave, ready and raring to go,” said Dr. Marian Sullivan, adding that physical traces she and her colleagues had discovered suggested Christ had sat at the edge of his burial slab for several minutes staring at his own feet, his death shroud still half-covering his face.
Pope Francis Spotted Sunbathing Nude In St. Peter’s Square. God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice. Pope Francis Sneaks Leftovers To False God Moloch At Back Door Of St. Peter’s Basilica. God Announces Plans To Shift Majority Of Resources Tied Up In Humanity Project To Birds, Rocks. THE HEAVENS—Telling reporters it would be a more worthwhile enterprise in the long run, God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, announced plans Monday to shift the majority of the resources tied up in His humanity project to birds and rocks.

“The cherub came out perfect this year!
Onion Studios. Huffingtonpost. Explosive intervention by Pope Francis set to transform climate change debate. The most anticipated papal letter for decades will be published in five languages on Thursday.

Pope Francis Recalls Starting Out At Some Real Shithole Churches. VATICAN CITY—Saying he never imagined he’d one day be filling a basilica as large and prestigious as St.

Peter’s, Pope Francis recalled to reporters this morning how he started his career preaching at some real shithole churches. “Back in the ’70s, I was just an up-and-coming minister driving my van from village to village across Argentina to deliver sermons in front of audiences of 10 or 15 people,” said Francis, noting that in those days, as a recently ordained member of the clergy, he typically was one of the last priests to go up and perform worship service each evening. “I’d get there and the place would be an absolute dive: no stained glass, just a single cross on the wall, and nothing but a few rickety old pews.

Pope Francis has led a pep rally to boost faith at Rome's soccer stadium, packed with more than 50,000 Catholics who follow charismatic movements. (AP Photo/Riccardo De Luca) Vatican City • Pope Francis on Monday warned married couples against substituting cats and dogs for children — a move that he said leads to the "bitterness of loneliness" in old age. The pope made his comments as he celebrated daily Mass with 15 married couples in the chapel at the Santa Marta residence, where he lives inside the Vatican.
Pope Francis Pursues Sinner Across Vatican City Rooftops.

VATICAN CITY—Numerous onlookers confirmed that His Holiness Pope Francis could be seen Thursday sprinting along the Holy See’s rooftops, darting between the chimneys and marble sculptures of the apostles atop St.

Gay Couple Weirded Out By Pope Francis Standing In Back Of Wedding Ceremony. BELLEVUE, WA—While emphasizing that they appreciated the pontiff’s support, local newlyweds John Greene and Adam Liu admitted today that they were nevertheless a little weirded out by Pope Francis standing in the back of their wedding ceremony on Saturday.

John Greene told reporters that shortly after he and his new husband heeded the ordained minister’s request to join hands and face each other, the pair took one last glance at the audience and noticed the Bishop of Rome standing quietly near a back wall and smiling. “I guess I’m flattered that he decided to come to our wedding for some reason, but at the same time, I have to say, it was a little off-putting,” Greene said of the ecclesiastical leader’s presence at the non-denominational ceremony, which he attended alone.

“Every once in a while he would give a little nod, then go back to just standing there with this smile on his face.”
Here’s The One True Way To Heaven. People ask me all the time about the Christian path to heaven.

Resigning Pope No Longer Has Strength To Lead Church Backward. VATICAN CITY—Citing his advancing age and deteriorating health, Pope Benedict XVI announced his resignation from the papacy Monday, saying he no longer possessed the strength and energy required to lead the Catholic Church backward.
Pope Benedict Stops By Prayer Writers' Room To Say Goodbye. VATICAN CITY—Making the rounds at Vatican City Thursday as he said a final goodbye to colleagues on his last day as pontiff, Pope Benedict XVI reportedly took a few moments in the early afternoon to stop by the prayer writers’ room and wish his team of ecclesiastical writers a fond farewell. Poking his head into the casually furnished room on the ground floor of St. Peter’s Basilica, the resigning pope reportedly sat down at the messy writers’ room table and chatted lightheartedly with the young staff of nine writers responsible for penning the masses, sermons, tweets, and encyclical letters delivered to Catholic followers from the Holy See.

Being Pope Was Great, But You Can’t Play Make-Believe Forever. For the past eight years, it has been my distinct pleasure to serve as head of the Roman Catholic Church. Spreading the message of the Bible around the world and sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ is an experience I wouldn’t trade for anything.

Honestly, I had a ball. But at some point, you just have to face the facts and realize that you can’t play make-believe forever. Hey, everyone has to grow up eventually—it’s just a part of life. And several weeks ago, I decided it was time for me to finally move on and put all this pretend, fantasy stuff behind me. Don’t get me wrong, serving as pope was loads of fun.
Pope Insanity MXLV Selected. VATICAN CITY—Following the ceremonial rising of the white smoke and pealing of the St.

Peter’s Basilica bells earlier this afternoon, black clouds suddenly darkened the Vatican City sky as Catholic Church officials announced that the College of Cardinals had ended their two-day session and selected Pope Insanity MXLV. Moments after the announcement, the newly named Pope Insanity MXLV abruptly materialized on the St. Peter’s balcony to an applauding crowd gathered below, and then raised his arms and emitted a piercing, high-pitched shriek as blood streamed down his forehead and thick smoke swirled around his body.

Sources confirmed that after five minutes of complete silence, Insanity then clicked his tongue violently, calling hundreds of ravens, eagles, and vultures to surround the balcony and land upon him.
I Am Old And Confused And Paralyzed With Sexual Frustration. Hello. I am a 76-year-old man who gets overwhelmed easily and has a difficult time keeping his thoughts straight. I’m confused a lot, and sometimes I don’t remember things that have happened just minutes ago. This is what happens when you are this old. You speak slower, your mind wanders, and doing simple tasks becomes difficult because concentrating is hard.
Bold New Pope Shows Crowd In Saint Peter's Square How To Apply Condom.

VATICAN CITY—Less than a week after succeeding Pope Benedict XVI as the next Bishop of Rome and inheriting a deeply divided Catholic Church, Pope Francis I on Sunday signaled a bold direction for his papacy by demonstrating to followers gathered in Saint Peter’s Square how to correctly use and apply a condom.