Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Bachelor Pad Week One: Meet the Sluts

Chris Harrison introduces the show, promoting the competition for money and suggesting that participants "may even hook up and fall in love." Because falling in love is a direct result of hooking up...has anyone found this to be true? Please share if so.

We get a close view of some the contestants. Chris from Emily's season mopes on a leather couch about his pathetic love life and ABC finds it necessary to get several shots of that. Horseless Lindzi recognizes that she lost to Courtney on Ben's season, but admits that she has gained the bonus of not trusting anyone. ABC therapists have their work cut out for them. Reid is from Jillian's season. I don't know who he is but he's adorable. Ed is from Jillian's season, her ex-fiance to be exact. He confesses to cheating scandals that ended their year-long engagement, but blames his infidelity on his hesitance to commit. I wonder what to blame his white pants on.We all fondly remember Blakely as the stripper who created a scrapbook for Ben. She is very excited about her career of...waxing! Seems a natural promotion for a "VIP cocktail waitress." I wonder what poor unsuspecting client was cajoled into getting waxed on national television to demonstrate her skills. Jacelyn would wear her college diploma around her neck if that meant getting taken more seriously than Blakely. Unfortunately, her voice is enough to cross her off my favorites list. Kalon embraces his infamy from the backlash of Emily's season and chooses a nice black pair of volleyball spanx to wear for the casual-push ups-on-a-plush-rug routine. Paige is our first fan! Openly admits to worrying about peeing her pants when meeting her idols. Chris, the SWAT officer fan, "kicks ass and takes names" but watches the show in plaid pajamas with a glass of wine. Fan Donna prances around in four different bikinis whilst detailing her need for attention. Especially from fan favorite, Michael Stagliano. Unfortunately for her, Michael and I's connection is much stronger. Does SHE have a love note from him? Cuz I do! All I learned about fan David is that he likes to wrestle boys. Brittany/Erica are the twin duo that supposedly slept with The Situation on a Jersey Shore season. They're back to drain the last seconds from their 15 minutes of fame. I immediately decide to hate them after one vehemently declares that butt chins are ugly. I have a dimple in my chin. :( The twins see their pairing as an advantage. Tyler points out that it may have something to do with the fact that "together they have four boobs. That's two more than every other girl." Limos begin to arrive at the mansion and we meet the people that aren't important enough to have complete bios in the episode. Nick is from Ashley's season. Rachel openly describes herself as "Ben's reject." Sarah is from Brad's first season. Ryan was the 28 year old virgin from DeAnna's season who is now the 32 year old virgin that requests water instead of the typical alcohol flowing at BachelorNation festivities. Might I suggest ChristianMingle.com? Tony is the man who cried against a brick wall during Emily's season. Jamie, in desperate need of a stylist, is the awkward kisser from Ben's season. Erica Rose, the dumb blonde with a law degree, talks entirely too much for someone with such an annoying voice.

Let the mayhem begin. Ed the Drunk strips down to his tighty whiteys and socks to take a refreshing leap into the pool while Chris Harrison tries to maintain order long enough to explain the rules of the game. Everyone looks trashed, I'm hoping ABC will provide a hangover hard copy to refresh any blacked-out memories.

The first competition is as couples so everyone pairs up and struggles not to fall "out of love." Also known as giant red hearts lifted high off the ground that tilt every few minutes, encouraging a dumping. David and the twins win the first face off, and get the off-campus date as a result. The first date on Bachelor Pad WOULD be a threesome. Already setting a kinky standard, and the skinny dipping that follows doesn't scream class.

The elimination looms closer and emotions run high. Fan David is honest about his game plan to take out Erica, resulting in a target fastened to the rest of the fans. Michael Stagliano SMH's and laments, "just avoid conversations and if you DO talk to someone then lie to them!" Preach it. When Erica hears about David's plan she understandably lashes out, but her words may be harsher than she intended. She isn't shy about saying that she hates the fans, people that would be nobody without the show. Well Erica, my dear, you were nobody before you came on The Bachelor. None of the contestants would be in that position without the fans that clamor to watch them make fools of themselves. Everything quickly spirals down the rose ceremony where fans David and Paige are sent home.

This was a tricky recap, especially with all the people that I am unfamiliar with. Hope you are all just as excited as A Very Lucky Girl is to watch drama unfold in strangers' lives in the next weeks.