Live-Blogging Project Runway Season 5 Premiere July 17, 2008

8:59 – Previously on Project Runway, Christian was FIERCE! Also, the show was on Bravo, which it will be for one more glorious season before moving to the much less cool Lifetime, Television for Women. Let’s make this one count!

9:00 – This is Project Runway, says Heidi. Shots of Atlas, while the designers arrive & introduce themselves. Okay, guys, same deal as Top Chef…you can probably be expecting me to start picking up names by maybe episode 5. I can tell you there’s a dude named “Suede.” This bodes well, I’ve decided.

9:01 – I always find it alarming when the designers have terrible fashion sense themselves, i.e. Angela from Season 3. One of the girls has a giant hideous flower on her chest. Meanwhile, Heidi & Tim Gunn have left a note for the designers to meet them on the roof.

9:05 – Heidi looks fabulous. Man, I’m so jealous of her. I forgot Tim is with Liz Claiborne now…maybe that’s why their stuff has been so fabulous lately. I bought the cutest purse the other day, did I mention that? …Oh, right, the live-blog.

9:06 – First challenge? No, fake-out! Heidi says the first challenge is tomorrow morning. Tim pops the champagne. I halfway think this is a fake-out fake-out & there actually is a challenge coming up, but there’s no telling. Heidi toasts the designers, so I guess it really is just a regular fake-out, which is good cause the other thing would just be mean.

9:07 – The next morning, bright & early in Project Runway tradition, Tim wakes everyone up, including one designer, who opens the door in a towel. Hee! You would think they would know to expect this by now. He leads the designers…somewhere. The designers interview guesses, which, um, has that ever worked? They are at a Gristedes Mega Store. It’s a rerun of Season 1’s first challenge! And to help as the guest judge, the designer who won that challenge…Austin Scarlet! Oh, hooray! Looove him.

9:11 – Austin tells them his corn husk dress made a big difference on his career. The designers flee for the store, where they buy a lot of stuff that doesn’t sound fabulous. One designer tells us she’s doing “what she does,” making pants & a vest using trash bags. Red flag, honey. If “what you do” has anything to do with a vest, you’re not the next great American fashion designer.

9:17 – I don’t even have the energy to make fun of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List anymore. Seriously, how can we not even have seen something funny IN THE PROMOS?

9:18 – Jeez, does everyone get a car? Kit Pistol from Season 4, who I swear was eliminated not anywhere close to the final 3, is designing an outfit inspired by the same freaking Saturn Astra that Christian got as the winner! Lame, yo. I mean, I didn’t mind seeing Daniel V from Season 2 get one, but Kit wasn’t even that interesting.

9:19 – Tim comes into the workroom & welcomes them to Parsons. The designers have been assigned models for this challenge. Tim says they have until midnight & the winner will get immunity for next week.

9:20 – One of the designers’ name is Kelli Martin, like the actress, which makes me not want her eliminated yet cause I’ll probably remember her. That Valentine’s Day episode of ER where Lucy gets killed is totally like one of the best episodes I saw, back when I watched ER, about 13 seasons ago.

9:21 – The designer who got the trash bags is shocked that her “fabric” is “bad.” Well, honey, you did buy TRASH BAGS. I’m just saying.

9:22 – Tim comes in for consultations. The first designer introduces him to his dress, Girlicious. Oh God. Please don’t name your dresses. Another designer is making a top out of plastic cups. It looks kind of awesome, I won’t lie.

9:23 – The trash bag designer is still hung up on the trash bags. Tim tells her what we already know, which is that trash bags were a terrible idea in the first place & she needs to move on with her life. Yeah dude. Let it go.

9:25 – The next five designers has used tablecloths & Tim is appalled. He makes an impromptu pep talk that they have to be more innovative. He thinks the judges will think they’re just slackers for choosing a traditional material when they went shopping at a grocery store. Also, the challenge was innovation. The designers using tablecloths collectively go, F!

9:30 – All the tablecloth designers are sticking more crap on their dresses to cover up the fact that they’re made out of tablecloths. The trash bag designer is completely resigned to the fact that she’s eliminated. Everyone else secretly agrees with her, but tell her to get it together.

9:33 – The next morning, the designers discuss their mutual fear of Nina Garcia. There is reason to be afraid. The models show up for fittings. Oh dear…there are a lot of ugly clothes. Jerry the token Asian has created what other designers call “an outfit for an axe murderer.” Oh good! That’s just the effect I bet he was looking for. Why doesn’t he just take off the clean-off-the-blood/don’t-leave-fingerprints gloves?

9:41 – The judges like a yellow dress with kale on the collar, which I didn’t like, & also? This might be the first time I think the model is not that pretty. Maybe it’s the terrible make-up. Everyone thinks the garage bag dress sucks & looks primarily like trash bags. Touche. The vacuum bag dress gets raves, even though there appears to be two coffee filters for the top. Finally, there’s this outfit that looks like a Playboy bunny outfit with trash sewn on it. The designer says he didn’t want to bore them. The judges assure him they weren’t bored so much horrified & confused.

9:49 – Judging. The vacuum bag dress, the plastic cup dress & the yellow kale dress all get high marks. The trash bag dress (described by Heidi as “butt ugly”), the serial killer outfit & the bunny outfit (which Austin Scarlet says is hideous…I think so too, Austin! Me and Austin are totally on the same wavelength!) are universally despised.

9:56 – One of the designers will be the winner, one of them will be out. Yellow kale dress girl is in. The winner is…Kelli Martin (vacuum bag dress)! Yay, one of the few designers whose name I know! She has immunity for next week. Plastic cup dress is also in. Bunny outfit is in. God, why? Serial killer versus trash bag… Jerry the token Asian is out! Aw. That’s a bummer. I thought the trash bags were uglier. Ah well. Bye, Jerry!

9:59 – This season on Project Runway…more drama! And a dress described by Tim Gunn as a “pterodactyl in a gay Jurassic Park.” OMG, I’m sold.