You Want To Have Sex WHERE?

Having sex in a bedroom is so 20th century, so…. well, something your parents would do. (Apologies for the mental image.) But it doesn’t have to be that way. 2015 could be the year you bring some carnal theatrics to your life, and take the sex outside the home where it belongs.

Sound too kinky? Not according to science. Women are actually kinkier than you think. But how do you keep it interesting without, you know, ending up in handcuffs? As with anything dangerous in life—mountain climbing, major surgery—it helps to get some pointers from somebody who’s been down that road before.

Somebody like, well, me.

I also know a few people who’ve made brave sex geography choices. They’re seasoned vets of outdoor sex— the Indiana Jones and Lara Crofts of lovemaking, if you will—and they’re more than happy to share their stories.

Let’s take a closer look at some of your options.

Location: Airplane bathroom

How It Can Go Right: On a flight from Los Angeles to Mexico, my boyfriend at the time and I thought we were being stealth, slipping into the restroom one at a time to become a member of the elite Mile High Club. The best sex positions involved having him sit on the toilet (seat down, of course) with me on top. Reverse cowgirl is actually a good position for this one, because the girl can keep her hand on the door just in case the sky marshal breaks in.

We thought we’d gotten away with it, until we returned to our seats and two flight attendants walked up, silently put our tray table down, and laid out a tablecloth, two champagne glasses, and a small rose in a vase. “Congratulations,” they told us.

How It Can Go Very, Very Wrong: If you’re lucky like me, you get rewarded for your kinkiness. But in this post 9/11 world, any suspicious behavior, like locking yourself in a bathroom, can get you naked for a whole other reason—a body cavity search by TSA.Location: A public stairway

How It Can Go Right: My date and I had instant chemistry, and all the neck nibbling and “what I would do to you” dirty talk was making it very difficult to wait. So he escorted me into the bar’s back stairway and instantly pinned me to the wall, facing the wall. (I digress, but guys, this is truly nearly every woman’s favorite move, and most of you simply do not do it enough.) He pulled my leggings down, just past my ass, as I arched for easy entry. The excitement and foreplay at the table was just too much, and he came faster than you can say, “Check please!”

How It Can Go Very, Very Wrong: In this case, coming fast is encouraged because just moments after he pulled out, a group of people came down the stairs to have a smoke. If you’re actually pre-planning public sex, don’t knock one off before you head out on your date. Quickies are the best way to avoid having your racy little romp revealed.Location: On a merry-go-round

How It Can Go Right: It was “one of those old metal merry-go-rounds that you spin yourself,” says Scott, 48. “She wanted it spinning while we had sex, so I obliged. With my manhood dangling, I started running that thing around as fast as I could. I hopped on the ride and she hopped on me. There is nothing like a simultaneous orgasm while spinning.”

How It Can Go Very, Very Wrong: Be careful not to spin the merry-go-round too fast. Nothing kills a boner like your girl puking all over it.

(For non-playground-equipment-induced sickness, find out whether it’s actually a good idea to Have Sex When You’re Sick.)Location: Ferris wheel

How It Can Go Right: Working at a carnival game booth has its privileges for Richard, 52. “We were at the top of a Ferris wheel at an amusement park,” he says. “She had on a mini skirt and took off her panties. When we got to the top, I slid into her kind of sideways doggie style.”

They were definitely seen by people in the building across the street, which he says “made it more exciting. About a minute after we got off the ride, the cops came running up. I guess they didn’t have a good description of which couple was having sex on the Ferris wheel, because we got away.”

How It Can Go Very, Very Wrong: These two lucked out by being so nondescript that the rent-a-cops didn’t find them and cite them For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge. If danger is your middle name and you want to try this, remember to bring a blanket, and wear something nondescript.

Location: Closet

How It Can Go Right: I hosted a surprise birthday party for my friend at my house, and passion overtook any sense of etiquette. When no one was looking, my date and I snuck into the living room coat closet. Hearing the voices of the party guests directly on the other side of the door made it all the more exciting, and everyone was having so much fun that they didn’t even notice when we exited the closet and rejoined the party with ear-to-ear grins.

How It Can Go Very, Very Wrong: While my daring dalliance didn’t get discovered, another friend of mine had a similar experience that went horribly awry. “My boyfriend’s mother invited me over for a home-cooked meal,” says Mari, 31. “Just as he was going down on me, his mom swings open the door and says, ‘Dinner’s ready!’ The look on her face will haunt me forever.”

And it just got worse. “The really awkward part was sitting at dinner, making small talk with his mom as my boyfriend silently hung his head in shame.”

Location: Hospital

How It Can Go Right: Instead of “Sex Sent Me to the ER,” as in the TLC reality show, the ER actually sent Sean, 20, into hyper-sex mode. “I was in the hospital for knee surgery,” he says. “It wasn’t that the hospital made my horny; it was just a way to relieve stress. If you have a high sex drive like I do, an orgasm calms you down even if you’re in a stressful place. The chance of getting caught was an adrenaline rush, but knowing the nurses’ schedule helped us know how much time we had.”

How It Can Go Very, Very Wrong: Your enemies here are a squeaky bed, a door that doesn’t lock, and thin walls (or curtains) that reveal every moan and groan. “Sean suggests “doing it doggy style on the floor holding the door closed,” but that may not be enough to keep the medical staff away.

Location: A moving car

How It Can Go Right: Sound dangerous? Meh. Here’s how I successfully accomplished this the safe sex way. First, the guy must keep his seatbelt on, eyes on the road, and hands at 10 and 2 at all times. Let your partner do the, ahem, heavy lifting.

While carefully mounting him at a red light, I placed my head to the left of his and facing backwards, so he could see—this is not the time for Reserve Cowgirl—and rode him for miles. It’s easiest when she’s petite, flexible, and wearing a skirt. It’s also a good idea to stay in the right lane, so if you swerve right it’s into the shoulder and not another car.

How It Can Go Very, Very Wrong: You might be tempted to thrust back, hold onto her hips, or suck on her breasts, but please don’t. Never take your hands off the wheel—just sit back and enjoy the ride. [EDITOR’S NOTE: Please don’t try this. Seriously. This isn’t a good idea. All of the sex stunts in this story have been performed by professionals, but especially this one. Leave the car in park. Don’t be like the guy who watchesJaskass and then ends up in traction. Just don’t.]