In the 1980s a war was being waged in our suburban landscape that would split the nation down the line. No, I’m not talking about Transformers vs. Go-Bots. That war was long left in the dust with the rusting carcass of Leader-1 begging for mercy. Nor am I talking about Nintendo …

Panda Love

Pandas. We all love pandas. They are so freaking cute and adorable, yet they are the biggest assholes of the animal kingdom. Think about it. They are dying out, and we are doing our best to preserve their cuteness for all time. But do they care? No. They care so little our their own existence we have to force them to rape each other in order to procreate. What kind of species doesn’t want to have kids? All animals want to have babies. It’s basic Darwinian principle of survival of the fittest. The only animal that chooses to not always bare children are humans, and that’s sometimes by strategic choice. So Pandas must have a reason to not want to go on. I think they know something that we don’t, and choose to not procreate. They don’t want the panda line to continue; and if it weren’t for these pesky humans the panda’s master plan would have been complete, and they would only exist in our loving memories.

So let’s treat these animals with respect and stop having them sexually forced upon unwilling females. Let’s let them simply die out, or at the very least have them wear funny hats when we force them into mating.