Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Great Cover-Up: Dermal Revisionism

Generally speaking, I don't have time for regret, and I feel it's best to make a quick peace with your mistakes and move on. I mean, who hasn't had a few too many vodka Kool-Aids and shaved the cat? Nevertheless, I admit that recent events have caused me a small amount of regret with regard to my Lance Armstrong tattoo:

However, I'm pleased to report that after an "epic" sixteen-hour cover-up session I've now transformed it into something I can wear with dignity for the rest of my life:

Of course, quality ink like this is expensive, so it will probably be another few years until I save up enough money to cover up that Rock Racing tattoo.

By the way, the artist responsible for the Robs Halfords transformation is an esoteric character known as "BK Jimmy," whose other works include this, this, and even this.

If you've ever forgotten how to have sexual intercourse midway through you know how embarrassing that can be, and clearly this person is not about to let it happen again.

In other Lance Armstrong news, as his mounting legal fees become increasingly burdensome, word is that he's seeking more affordable representation and has engaged the experts at Macks Solicitors. Here's their advertisement, as forwarded to me by a reader.

Hit by a "lorry?" Crashed into a pedestrian in a "ZEH-bra crossing?" Crushed your "bollocks" on your "topping tube?" Then hire Macks! They have the Bret seal of quality, so you know they're good.

Speaking of Bret, his ubiquity has reached the point where I'm beginning to believe he's actually a vital clue in the universal Easter egg hunt for spiritual enlightenment. That's why I am now resolved to do whatever he tells me to do. If he tells me to hire Macks Solicitors, then I will hire Macks Solicitors. If he tells me to make a difference with a career in biology, I will make a difference with a career in biology:

(Spotted by another reader.)

And if he tells me to strap a reflective armband around my diminutive bicep, you better believe I'm going to do that too:

I was glad to see the package designers went so far as to add the armband to Brett:

However, I was dismayed that the phone on his arm doesn't have a picture of Bret wearing an armband with a phone with a picture of Bret wearing an armband with a phone with a picture of Bret wearing an armband with a phone with a picture of Bret wearing an armband with a phone with a picture of Bret I feel dizzy.

Jackson Twenty-One is a plan long in development for an entirely new village of sorts in central New Jersey, with apartments and stores, a hotel and an Imax movie theater, surrounded by hundreds of acres of green space. It will have an eye toward creating a community for artists, and also, the developer insists, toward “nice” people. All in all, the proposal and its packaging are as idealistic, ambitious and delightfully unusual as the man behind it, the Tony Award-winning composer of “Man of La Mancha,” and the white-haired man from the commercials, Mr. Leigh.

Intrigued, I visited the website, and despite the fact it's supposed to be an idyllic place for nice artsy people to traipse around I didn't see a single bicycle in any of the illustrations:

I hear Lance has retained Matthew McConaughey to act like a lawyer and take his shirt off and get in Travis Tygarts' face and get all excited [like he does when he is convincing you] and start bouncing around until his charming routine disarms the CEO and USADA drops everything.

This reminds me of that subdivision for total pricks I invested in a few years ago. XL Hummer garages, no sidewalks, no biek lanes. Every house got three kinds of cable tv. Buses were labelled as "loser shuttles". A liter of milk bag was a minimum 30 minute drive from anywhere. Dunno what came of it, some rumors indicate its now called "Toronto" . Sounds made up.

this is the type of development that goes up in the netherlands. it would be too easy to blame legal weed (an endless house that is endlessly building and devouring itself), but since it's the dutch and they're into bicycle-cycling I'm saying it's a house with a built-in velodrome to which a first year architecture student who just learned how to use 3D software applied " manipulations" to. either way it'll be a 5 million dollar concrete vagina you can ride your bike in.

Mob Commie.Tom Cruise is a spectacular choice, L Ron's testes where surgically implanted into his scranus 13 years ago. So between him and L.A. they have 5 nutz which will be impossible to resist or deny.

Yes, but who´s to say that Lance or Rob or Letle Viride aren´t virtuous, just because they inserted foreign materials into their body in a dare to explore the inner/outer reaches, to reach their ends, to pursue happiness?Not a robot, just a slightly drunk human.

VeloNews makes Faux News look like the Economist. I stopped reading after their celebrity "wrench" Nick Legan actually wrote in words that Cavendish had "pre-won" a big race by choosing a helment with the vents blocked up. Spends more, go faster, right Nick.

...stay in brooklyn, become an isles fan when they move into 'big rust' which is like 46.37 seconds from your door OR being a nice & creative person, move to jersey into the 'nice development' & be 98.74 seconds from your faved hellacious devils...

...islanders are a fallen but storied franchise & will likely get a $$$ injection once in the new barn (bloomberg will likely insist)...the devils have remained a top-ish team for years now...

I hereby ban all multi gear bicycles from the greater NYC area. These multi geared machines tempt the rider to break the law! Breaking the law by running red lights and running stop signs. Only single gear, fixies I am told they are known as will be allowed in the metropoitard area and it is my sincerest hope that State gov't will follow my lead re this issue.

Also all recumbent bikes are immediately banned as they are to sexually suggestive.

My study committee which consists mainly of people knowledgeable in the bike world their being bike messengers earning their living riding the machine suggest that we also do away with bicycle brakes as they are a definate safety hazard.

...anon 7:54pm...therein lies the seeds of an arguement i have firmly refuted many times over...

...what you're saying is absolutely correct in one sense BUT i suggest comparing where any number of those teams have moved out to...(i know...don't end a sentence in a preposition...but my sentence was a proposition)...

...google map santa clara & you'll note that it is essentially san jose...san jose is, in & of itself, a burgeoning major city searching for it's own identity & although there are those who'd dispute that status, it definitely is...

...therein lies my upset & angst...

...cowboys new stadium in arlington ???...15 miles from downtown...49-ers new stadium in santa clara ???...'bout 40 miles from downtown sf...

...most irksome is the fact that our old heroes eddy dibartolo & joe montana lobbied hard for santa clara so that they could get the sweetheart deal to build a hotel, shopping complex which wasn't going to happen in 'the city'...

Yo Babble what's the tensile strength on that Doggystyle Ass Control Harness? It's all fun and games until you experience strap failure and things are errantly thrusted where they are not supposed to go.

I'm riding from San Francisco to Santa Cruz next month to raise money for the Cycles of Change program in Oakland. Please visit my page and make a donation, last year the Bike -Go -Round gave 200 bikes to residents.

I'm riding from San Francisco to Santa Cruz next month to raise money for the Cycles of Change program in Oakland. Please visit my page and make a donation, last year the Bike -Go -Round gave 200 bikes to residents.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!