They Will Grow Up

I share this as a reminder that all kids grow-up, even those who have driven us a little crazy in their teenage years.

We don’t often receive a lot of feedback from students, particularly those who were not overly successful in school. So, that makes notes like this one (received last week) all the better. This is from a former student at a school at which I was the principal about 10 years ago. I share this with his permission:

Mr Kennedy,

I want to start off by thanking you for never putting up with my garbage in high school, and putting me in my place when I needed it. In spring of 2003, I came back to Vancouver for a visit and to re-enrol at Riverside in anticipation my family would be moving back to BC from Alberta. I was being a loud mouth as usual, and you came by and said “if it was up to me I wouldn’t have you back at my school.” Those words caught me off guard, until that point in my life I never thought the things I did affected anyone, and that was when a change began in my life. I was still a pain in the ass throughout high school, and I am positive that no one thought I would make much out of my life.

After graduation, I had a daughter at the age of 20, I was following the plan people assumed I would. In 2007, those words you spoke, along with a few from [another teacher], motivated me to prove everyone wrong. Although my idea of success was extremely skewed, I attained my goal that year of making $100,000, and was driven to exceed that goal the next year. By mid 2008, I had a talk with a mom who questioned my motives, and after a deep conversation, she helped focus my goals, and told me the best way to prove to someone was to change the world, and leave a legacy.

In 2009 I changed my focus, I switched industries and got into finance, quickly becoming one of the youngest Managers at TD Canada Trust. I began travelling the world every year for 2 months organizing charity events, and building orphanages and even starting a volunteer agency in Kenya. Kenya was my first trip, and before I left I received news confirming that my daughter was not biologically mine. Not of our anger, but out of determination to prove that I was not affected by the genes of my daughter, I built Madison House orphanage in Kenya. Since then I have travelled to over 40 countries, and helped raise nearly $200,000 for orphans in over 20 of those countries.

I am writing you because I want to thank you. Those words still ring in my head when I feel like I need to accomplish a task and have little or no motivation. Last June I made the decision to attend post-secondary school to get a degree, and eventually into law school. I was granted acceptance into BCIT’s full-time program and currently sit in the top 3% of the business department. I have a 90% average across all 7 full-time classes, and on Friday i was contacted by the University of Geneva in Switzerland in regards to my application.

I want you to know none of this would have been possible without you. I was a young punk, who cared about no one else but himself, but as time went on, I learned that I was never actually an extrovert as people assumed. I have always been an introvert with tendency of an extrovert to deal with my self-consciousness.

Regardless of our past disagreements, I want you to know, that you helped shape my future, my decision-making process, my outlook, and my ability to step back and make choices in my life. So one more time thank you Mr. Kennedy, and I can only pray you continue to move, shape, and teach kids like you have done with me.

Warmest Regards,

There is a lot in there and good reminders for me as a parent and educator. Sometimes, even in a ‘culture of yes’, a strong “No” is an important message.

And, as Stuart Shanker regularly reminds us — there is no such thing as bad kids.

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12 Responses

Thank you Chris. This young man’s letter to you is a powerful reminder that “no” in the right place is necessary – most child psychologists agree that boundaries are a ‘child’s [people’s] best friend’. Children must learn that they are not the center of the universe. I read a most interesting book in the summer called “You are not Special” – a reminder that everyone is important.

The letter from your student reminded me of the students in my life who have contacted me later in their lives to thank me for taking the time to care enough about them to put some limits on their behavior and offer/model a different way. In my opinion, this is the first work of all educators.

I believe if we really want to assess our success in schools it has to be more that GPAs and graduation rates. It would be wonderful if we could contact students 5-10 years after their K-12 experience and ask if we made a difference. Certainly difficult to quantify but stories like this are worth exploring from many perspectives.

It is interesting that we have 100’s of interactions everyday with students and we never can be sure which ones are the ones that will stick for them. A good reminder that we always have to be on our game -and even if we have talked to 500 kids in a day – for the one student in front of you this might be a defining time.

What I like about this story is how Success is connected to Giving – appropriate for this time of year! It sounds like this person’s real sense of accomplishment came from helping others, and that allowed him to turn his life around. I think we all have a need to belong and you challenged his place in the community with your comment all those years ago. Good thing he was listening!

With Mindfulness, Self Regulation and projects like “365 Give” at our schools, I am hopeful all our students can connect to themselves and others, and find their own sense of belonging. Like Dean, I agree that success in school (and life) is about more than academic standing.

Chris, this is the kind of letter that reminds us all that we never know just what it is we will say or do that will make a difference in someone’s life. At the West Van TedX I talked about Clifton who a couple of years ago was struggling in Grade 6. I got a message at the end of November that he was marching in the Grey Cup Parade as part of the Nisgaa band – and doing well in Grade 8. Without his teachers, this would not be happening. Without your providing a bit of a wake up call to this young man, I wonder where he might have ended up. Thanks! Judy