Monday, February 07, 2005

The Puppy Bowl

If you watched the Super Bowl last night, rather than Animal Planet, you missed out. Sure you saw a close game and the amazing comeback of the most obnoxious player since Milton Bradley, but you didn't see any puppies.

Animal Planet took the idea of niche programming one step further and showed nothing but puppies. FOR 12 HOURS.

Starting at 3pm (and running until 3am-in case you are bad at math) they showed a faux football arena full of puppies.

It started off with the line up being announced by the great Phillies announcer Harry Kalas. Harry tells us the stats of such superstars as Amos, Ruthie and, my personal favorite, Hooter.

Then some soft music starts and the puppies fight with each other. The field was covered in dog toys and dog treats and they fought over them.

That was IT.

Occasionally a dog would "tackle" another and we would get a slow motion replay. One dog took "did his business" on the field. Then the referee came out cleaned it up and announced a "10 yard penalty."

I'm not sure what that meant, should he now go and relieve himself in 10 people's yards? I guess so because the penalty couldn't have been in football terms because they weren't actually playing football.

I'm not sure why I watched this for as long as I did. I started to watch just because, admit it, puppies are cute. Perhaps I kept watching it because of the total insanity of it.

They had a water bowl in each end zone. In the bottom of the bowl was the "bowl cam" I had never seen a dog drink out of a water dish FROM THE BOTTOM before. It was like living inside Robert Downey Jr.'s head.

On the Animal Planet's website you can watch a trailer, buy the DVD and you can vote for the MVP - not the Most Valuable Player but the Most Valuable PUPPY!

Now, you must excuse me I have to laugh at that until I pass out... preferably at the bottom of a water dish.

You know what would be AWESOME?? If for a half-time show, Animal Planet had Janet Jackson and Just Timberlake sing for the crowd, but Janet Jackson had a wardoble malfunction, so half-time show producers felt the need to dig up the fossilized corpse of Paul McCartney to perform. After they mumified his remains, the producers prop him at the piano like in "Weekend at Bernie's" and he performs a very dull half-time show featuring songs that were written before Hilary Duff was born. But then he slowly decomposed on the field and the puppies began the bones from McCartney's body and bury them on the field. So the half-time show producers had only one choice, they needed to hire Evel Knievel to jump over the stadium, while Cheap Trick rocked the house, and fireworks went off all above the stadium. And then Knievel landed and told police to lock Justin and Janet for indecent exposure, chuckling to the officer, "I'll bet they feel like real boobs." Then he found a proper burial place for Paul McCartney and a marked the grave. Then the groud burst into tremendous applause. Oh man that would be SSSSSSSSSSSWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!

What the hell is this....a Puppie Bowl? I watched it...and they only had one bowl...this is something Peta should be made aware of. The whole thing reminded me of my first marriage...all the animals did was sniff each other and fight. I must admit it was better than the half time show during the Super Bowl...that McCarteny dude is older than me...and why have a friggin englishman on for an American Event?Whats next...... A Top Ten List From Guy Sweetie on...... How Many Foriegners have sung the national Anthem?