Sex Products Review: Something Sexy Planet

My goodness, the wonderful people at Something Sexy Planet were kind enough to drown me in toys and keep my vagina busier than I ever thought it could be.

And my boyfriend, well, since I allowed him to recuperate last week, he was more than rarin' to go this time around. And so I opted for a toy that I thought I could get really excited watching him use. And of course, I couldn't neglect myself; I got myself a toy that looked like it could do some serious orgasmic damage.

Oh, and I got us both some tasty body whip that my man used to satisfy me, yet again.

Although this thing can never measure up to the beauty of my genitalia, my boyfriend really seemed to enjoy himself. I must admit; watching him work it really excited me and after he let it all out, I took it all in.

WHAT IS IT?The Velvet Touch mimics a soft vagina and an anus. If that alone doesn't give you an erection, then imagine a vagina and an anus that vibrate. If only I had a penis — you know what I mean.

WHO IS IT FOR?This one's for you, kid. Just you, all for you. She has no business around this toy.

HOW DO YOU INTRODUCE IT?The next time she gives you that "I have a headache" crap, whip out this little dudette and bang it like it may be your last time. Even if it's not a real woman, she'll feel a little envious that you're relieving yourself elswhere. I'm just kidding; don't ever, and I mean ever, let her find out about this toy. Unless of course, she's cool like me.

HOW SEXY IS IT?7/10I have to admit; this thing looks pretty darn real. Except, of course, that it doesn't breathe, or have breasts, arms, legs, and all those unnecessary body parts that real women have.

Upon looking at this thing, I really expected to be blown away. I mean Gene Simmons has nothing on this little contraption. Little did I realize that this thing was a little too good for me.

WHAT IS IT?This is a bendable vibrator that has a jelly-like exterior and 3 metal studs for clitoral pleasure. And with a multi-speed vibrating option, this is one dangerous little toy.

WHO IS IT FOR?While this is predominantly for her, you can rub this vibrator along your anus while you get your groove on. But let's face it; chances are she'll be using it more often than you will.

HOW DO YOU INTRODUCE IT?First, ask her how she feels about vertebrae. Then, when she asks what that means, whip out this tongue-looking contraption and let it vibrate along her body until you bring her to unexplicable heights of orgasmic pleasure.

HOW SEXY IS IT?6/10To be quite honest, this thing looks kind of scary. And although it works way too fast for me, chances are that any woman who uses this is just about guaranteed an orgasm.

Although I personally think that milky products, such as whip cream, on the body make for a nasty smell, this is not your store-bought kind of cream. Oh no. This cream is fruity, not milky, and it tastes like rum.

WHAT IS IT?This is a cherry rum body whip that tastes awesome when added to any part of the body.

WHO IS IT FOR?It's for any and everyone. If she's in the mood for a little cream on her sausage, more power to her. And if you feel like adding a little whip to your patch, then go ahead.

HOW DO YOU INTRODUCE IT?Considering it's a cream, this is quite a tame toy, to say the least. All you have to do is tell her your hungry, and then head down to her secluded neighborhood and greet the pubic with your newfound flavor.

HOW SEXY IS IT?3/10It looks like a bottle of mousse, but it's not. It tastes good, no doubt, but the bottle doesn't stir up any sexual images. Although some guys might think that the blonde on the bottle is hot.