Children to be replaced in education shake up

Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced that children are to be replaced in state schools.

Speaking today in the House of Commons, Gove said: "We need to reform our education system to restore public confidence. The little thugs and greasy ticks who populate our comprehensives are the nub of the issue.

“Let’s face it,” he told stunned MPs, “These foul-mouthed pukes are ruining our country with their penchant for Rihanna and reality television.

Instead of children, classrooms will be stacked with works of literature (paper copies), economic treatise, and classical music (paper manuscripts). The concept has been dubbed ‘iPupils’, as it seeks to introduce intelligence into the classroom environment.