10 Things Divorced Men Have in Common

These traits may surprise you — and teach you a few things about how to keep your marriage together.

Though their reasons for divorcing may vary, men whose marriages fell apart are fairly similar  beyond having ex-wives and legal bills thatll keep their attorneys in silk ties for decades. Here, the traits many formerly married guys share  even before their relationships end  with expert advice to prevent your husband from joining their club.

1. Theyre shocked. Thats because about 70% of the time, its the wife who files for divorce. Women tell me, Ive been warning him for years. The husband responds, But I didnt know she was serious! says Michelle Crosby, a family attorney in San Francisco and co-founder of Wevorce, a company dedicated to amicable divorces. Lesson: Air grievances before they fester, suggests Kimberly Friedmutter, a life-management coach in Malibu, CA  and be specific. Instead of saying, You always embarrass me! explain, When youre late for dinner with our friends, I feel embarrassed. If you arent getting across, seek counseling. Sure, it costs money; divorce costs more.

2. Technology takes precedence over their relationships. Ever see some guyyapping on his cell, ignoring his wife? Bad move, says Damona Hoffman, a Los Angelesbased relationship coach whose website, DearMrsD.com, provides love-life advice. Not only are computers and cell phones disruptive, but if your husband always texts or e-mails you instead of calling, it can create distance, she warns. Lesson: Tell your husband how you prefer to communicate (I want to hear your voice), and dont let tech interrupt couple time. Leave phones and computers out of the bedroom if possible, and on date nights, ignore calls unless its the babysitter, Hoffman recommends. Getting undivided attention can keep you together.

3. They stopped wining and dining after the I dos. Speaking of date nights, skipping them hurts your marriage, says Hoffman. Sadly, romantic evenings often fade out once careers and children get demanding. Lesson: Date each other again  even if you have to initiate. Tell your husband, Id love it if youd invite me out, Hoffman says. A simple stroll while Grandma watches the kids can keep romance on the radar.

4. A lack of work/life balance. A guy whos married to his career often fails at his real marriage since his wife takes a backseat, says James Honeycutt, PhD, professor of communication studies at Louisiana State University at Baton Rouge and author of Cognition, Communication and Romantic Relationships. Lesson: Help your husband take a break. Dont say, you need to take it easier, which could put him on the defensive, and points out that you feel separate from him, Dr. Honeycutt says. Instead, try: We could use time to relax. Itll help us recharge our batteries and focus better when its time to get back to work. If his job is so demanding that hes chronically short on time, plan an exciting evening close to his workplace, so he doesnt have to spend time traveling. And if your partner is the breadwinner, consider taking a part-time job to share the financial load  that way, he wont feel the pressure is only on him to earn for the family, Dr. Honeycutt says. If your husband has a small business and you have clerical or sales skills, pitch in there to free him up more for fun with you.

5.A feeling that my wife and I grew apart. Divorced men frequently say they developed new interests that their wives didnt appreciate. As a result, they lose their connection. Lesson: Learn about the things that grab your husbands attention. Surprise him by saying, You seem to really enjoy kayaking. Mind if I come along? (Cant hurt to try once!) Just not into it? Give him space to do his thing on his own. Its healthy to have some independent interests, points out Friedmutter.

6. A newfound appreciation of sex. Thats because their marriages didnt include a lot of it, especially as the relationship deteriorated. These men swear theyll never settle for sexual starvation again. Lesson: Just as we need our husbands to communicate with us, they need sex, says Hoffman, and variety too. Tell him, Honey, Id like to try X, Y or Z. Its the rare man wholl say no to that!

7. They do boyish things with their money. A sports car. Skydiving lessons. Divorced men do it all!My male divorce clients often say they felt constrained in their marriage, and typically go through a phase doing everything their ex-wife wouldnt allow them to do, says Joleena Louis, a matrimonial attorney in New York City. Ironically, this immaturity stems from their spouses treating them like children. Lesson: Avoid mothering your husband and telling him what he can and cannot do, cautions Louis. Set up his-and-hers accounts so you each have some financial freedom. And hold your tongue if your sweetie spends his bucks on silly stuff: As long as your bills are paid, and its just an occasional thing, look the other way, Louis says.

8.A longing to hear theyre attractive.Many divorced men were starved for compliments during their marriage. Often people forget to say nice things to each other like they did early on, observes Friedmutter. Lesson: If your husbands leaving for an important meeting, say, Dont you look handsome! Praise the things he does well too. Show him you think hes the greatest, and theres nothing he wont do for you, Friedmutter adds.

9. Difficulty expressing emotions. We need our husbands to share their innermost thoughts, but men are taught to suppress their emotions, since its not manly, Friedmutter says. This disconnect can create marriage problems. Lesson: Help your husband learn not to keep things bottled up, Friedmutter says. If he comes home and seems glum, ask whats wrong, but if hes reticent, dont push. Just say, Im sorry, its just that you seem down. Im here if you want to talk later. That space will help him come around.

10. Lingering affection and gratitude. After years of venomous anger, corrosive conflict and even disdain for their former wives, softer feelings of appreciation surface in divorced men, says Ken Druck, PhD, a family and executive coach and co-author of The Secrets Men Keep: Find Out What They Think How They Really Feel. Lesson: Make gratitude and affection part of your everyday interactions, Dr. Druck recommends. Thank your partner for coming home early or doing a chore without being told. Youll both feel better.

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