John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

To be your son's leader, you need to learn how to deal effectively with your own losses! (Published 2/12/2013)

Q:

I’m writing to you today because I lost my fiancé of six years, two years ago. I feel like my entire life has been a struggle. I had an abusive husband and many other difficult things. I met my fiancé just after my father died. Because of that, I bonded with him quickly, since that was a hard time for me. We spent every day together, at work, at home, everywhere. Very soon thereafter, we bought a house and farm and moved in together. I worried about him all the time because I knew that the combined stresses of work and keeping up the farm were getting to him. He left one night to close a gate on the back of the farm and did not return. I went to bed thinking he would come to bed when he got back. I woke up around three in the morning to see he wasn't home. I went toward the back of our farm to try to look for him and found him dead in his truck. His death was ruled a suicide, which I feel in my heart may be true, but it almost looked like an accident from the way it happened. It’s been two years and I am in therapy and on medication and it doesn't seem to help the roller coaster of emotions. I have never been content with anything since this happened and don't know if I can ever move forward or not be afraid to love again. I have a boyfriend who is a wonderful man, but every time he gets close, I push him away. Please help me. The only contentment I really have ever had was my life with my kids and Robert. Nothing feels normal now. Thanks for you help.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and poignant story.

Some of the losses that befall us are beyond comprehension, and your story is one of them.

One problem is that if you ever were to know exactly what happened or why, it wouldn’t do much to help you.

A question we sometimes have to ask people is, “Would you miss him any less if he’d died some other way?”

Of course the answer is always no.

The other thing we want to comment on is the loss-inside-of-the-loss for you which is the massive “loss of trust” that has made you fearful of getting close to someone and/or letting someone get close to you.

Next we have to say that even though you have sought therapy, you indicate that the therapy and the drug intervention haven’t done much to help you. Sadly, that doesn’t surprise us—it’s a lament we hear all too often.

The problem is that most therapies don’t contain a series of actions that lead to recovery or completion of what was left emotionally unfinished for you at the time of the death. And obviously, drugs no nothing more than cover up the pain a little bit, if that, but don’t cause anything good to happen.

And of course, faced with the persistent feelings you have, you can’t imagine wanting to live that way for the rest of your life—which is very understandable.

We can’t promise you anything, but perhaps we can give you some hope.

If you’ve read some of our articles and some of the questions and answers we’ve posted on Tributes.com, you’re probably aware of our book, The Grief Recovery Handbook [available in most libraries and bookstores]. The key to hope for you is in the sub-title of the book which is, The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith. It may well be what you’ve been looking for when you went into therapy. Obviously you wanted to feel better and we assume that you would have taken helpful actions if they'd been suggested.

Get the Handbook and start taking the actions it outlines. In part, it will help you realize that you have major losses before you met your fiancé who died. Example:being in an abusive marriage is a huge loss in many ways, not mention an incredible “loss of trust,” along with the other losses you indicate when you say “I feel like my entire life has been a struggle…”

Do it now! Your son at age 12 needs you to be a guide. He has had many grief events in his life also. To be his leader, you need to learn how to deal effectively with your own losses so he can learn from you.