The best new menswear you can buy this week – July 30

It’s your favourite time of the week! That time where you are no longer screaming “WHAT ON EARTH AM I SUPPOSE TO WEAR MOTHER!!” and are instead slowly whispering “I have bought a nice shirt, and I will be happy until approximately this time next week, mother.”

The reason you are saying this is because we’ve got a load of lovely stuff for you to peruse - our considered recommendations taking all the hard work out of the decision-making process. It’s so easy, this “life” thing, isn’t it? So, so easy.

You’re getting embroidery on your white shirts now? You better believe you are - how you gonna let everyone know you’re not a run-of-the-mill kinda fellow? There is literally no other way. So try your hand at a bit of something different with this poppy-splashed summer shirt, and wonder why you ever wore an all-white one in the past. It’s only up from here, kid.

Ok, I’ll admit - these aren’t for everyone. They might not even be for “many people”. In fact, let’s just say you’ve got to be a certain type of person to be able to pull these off. But if you can, then looky here, who’s got the most killer shorts in showbusiness? It’s you, ain’t it, with these absolute blinders. Team ‘em with a t-shirt as out-there as the bottoms (don some tie-dye to go matchy-matchy) and you’re set for whichever public space in which you wish to be the most obviously conspicuous person present. Start screaming if not enough people are looking at you.

These, I would hazard, would not be the the most considered purchase if you’re the type of person who likes to keep things simple. A pair of chinos and an Oxford shirt your kind of bag? It’s probably not best if you suddenly bowl into the pub wearing these and flicking your hair all over the place. However, if you’re the kind to take a lot of risks and dress a bit more uniquely, then whip these on. Side-stripes are big at the moment, and this one steps it up a notch - go on, give those legs a bit of attention. Every day is leg day.

Here’s your second “Oh you thought I was wearing just a normal white shirt? Well think again, bonehead, this here ain’t your granny’s kettle of Potpourri, hell nay!” item. This, like the opium design at the top, is spraying a much-needed coating of pizzazz onto a plain staple, and you know what? I don’t half like it. So if you don’t buy it, I bloody well will.

That was a direct threat, by the way. It is a race to see who can buy this shirt first.

How did The North Face become cool? We may never know, but it is, now, and you better deal with it. Maybe it’s something to do with them making wholly decent backpacks like this? Like, that’s a good backpack - you owe it to your back to pack this on top of it. Now, hit the road Jack, with your cool back, no more, no more, no more bad packs.

What’s going on here then? That sure looks like a classic loafer, right there, but hey, check out that wedge, baby. Now we’re dealing with a whole new shebang - this is a loafer, but a proper casual one, like. Lovely slab of summery footwear for you there, looking great in shorts or some cropped trousers alike - sack off those socks, too, you risk-taker, you. No, seriously, burn all of your socks immediately.

It’s difficult finding sunglasses to suit your face, but I’d hazard that no matter the shape of your head, these unbelievably slick shades will fit you perfecto. Just look at them - you can’t stop, can you? Like, think of the pleasure you’re currently getting simply from looking at a picture of them, then imagine how quickly your boxers would turn to ash if you had them in real life? It doesn’t really bear thinking about, does it?

These shoes are inspired by big anime robots, didn’t you know? The ones out of Mobile Suit Gundam, innit. And whereas these shoes won’t allow you in any way to pilot a giant robot and smash through a city, firing guns at other giant robots, they will look quite good on your feet. And I suppose, to ants you’ll look like a giant robot, won’t you? To the ants. The ants will think you’re big. Walk near some ants and you can be a large robot. Scare those stupid ants. Think they’re hard, do they? The ants? Well, put these shoes on and they’ll think you’re a deadly robotic warrior, come to smite them back into their sandy holes.

“I am the metal guardian!” you can shout, if you like, then you can shoot their puny houses with your water-pistol “The robot giant! I AM A BIG ROBOT ZIP ZOP ZIP ZOP ZIP ZOP!” Kill the ant scum! Stomping on their heads like a towering steel beast from above. All of them dead underneath the massive feet of their new shiny Jesus. They’ll rue the day they ever challenged you or your anime shoes!

Available in Footpatrol stores now and online August 11

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the screaming thing though.
@garyblogden