A series of fake letters written to fictional people about fake subjects that didn't happen.

A Letter From a Celebrity Actor to His Ex-Girlfriend.

Dear Vikki,

Hello! I am just writing to say hello and tell you that I hope you are doing well in Kentucky. It seems like you are, from what I can gather by googling you.

Anyway, I just want to clear the air a little bit now that I’ve made it and you’re “back home” in Kentucky. I want to make sure that my success doesn’t turn me into the kind of douchebag we always used to make fun of. I like to think even though I’m a pretty big star and no longer have to work at BJ’s Wings, I have class.

I realize now that you and I were headed down different paths. Right before I got the lead in “Ninja Hamster,” you were telling me about how your mom was sick or something and how you felt you needed to be in Kentucky. Totally understandable. Just unfortunate timing for you and your mom, because my path involved two things – nunchuks and a hamster wheel! Turns out the next step on my path was renting a big house in the Palisades and yours was playing the fiddle down in the hills of Kentucky.

But I want you to know I haven’t forgotten our time together working at BJ’s Wings and our time together as struggling artists. I still remember that play you did by Chekov (can’t remember the title) and you were so hot! That’s what really kills me is that you were actually pretty enough to make it too. But like I said, different paths.

Also, I never felt our age difference much when we went out, but after we broke up, I realized that maybe you were a bit young for me. Then again, not long after you moved to Kentucky I started dating an 18-year-old girl. That particular relationship didn’t last long, but a few weeks can seem like a lot when you’re just beginning your adult life. Or a celebrity.

In pictures I’ve seen of you, via google image, it seems like you are getting better and better looking everyday. Which is great, I don’t want to sound like I feel cheated. I can’t help but wonder though, how good are you going to look? Are you peaking now-ish or do you plan to get even better looking? I hate to sound shallow, but as far as the 6 months we went out, did I get the second-best time period, like the Knicks when they had Latrell Sprewell, or did I truly get the dark ages, like the current Knick team? (In your present state, you’re obviously the Knicks of the mid-90’s with Patrick Ewing at center. Don’t let it swell your head too much though, they never won a championship). Not that I’m complaining, I’ve since had my share of Lakers championship teams and even a couple 1990’s Chicago Bulls. But just so I have a sense of where I came into the picture, which Knick team did I get?

Anyway, I sincerely hope that you are doing well down there. And I want you to know that yes, I still think of you.

As for how I’m doing, besides the obvious success and everything, terrific! I couldn’t be better. There are a whole host of things I plan on getting into now that I’ve made it, including but not limited to: yoga, meditation, organic cooking, jogging, Buddhism (yeah, I’m talking Buddhism-happy), stuff to do with hemp, gardening, taking classes (on pretty much anything you can think of), politics, classical literature, and a lot of other amazing things. It seems like there’s not enough time in the day to do all the many things that I am interested in these days. But it also helps that internet porn is not as much of an issue as it used to be.

In conclusion, even though our relationship did not ultimately work out, I want to say that I’ve learned a lot in the past few years, about myself, about us. And I realize you were definitely right about some things. Especially the fact that I was, indeed, selfish. And I definitely shouldn’t have cheated on you those times. So if by some chance your mom is no longer sick or you want to taste what life could have been like, feel free to drop me a line and we’ll see what we can work out. I’m serious about that. And if it helps sweeten the deal, I have a hot tub now.