*True Blood-*Bath: We’re All Just Pawns in a Game of Chess

There’s a scene in last night’s episode of True Blood featuring Eric Northman and Talbot playing a game of chess. The chess game is an obvious allusion to the strategy of the characters—or chess pieces, if you will—in the bigger picture of the entire season. And Eric and Talbot are just pawns in the greater scheme—kings and queens do battle while pawns are simply sacrificed. Ah, who am I trying to fool? Obviously everything that I’ve written so far is, well, bullshit. I’ve got nothing. Honestly, the only halfway enjoyable event up to the chess match scene was when Talbot, during the game, said, “I’m bored.” Because, when he did, I immediately spoke back to my television, “Yeah, me, too!” Soon after I vocalized my displeasure (the people inside the screen can hear me, right?), events got a lot more interesting. But interesting isn’t always a good thing.

Let’s start with Mr. Northman: Was there any point to Eric’s physical romance with Talbot, other than the shock of seeing Eric—a notoriously straight vampire—involved in actions that aren’t, um, notoriously straight? It’s not like Eric had to have a sexual tryst with Talbot in order to murder him—if anything, it just amped up the cruel factor. I kind of liked Talbot. How is killing him real revenge for what Russell did to Eric’s Viking family? (Also, when Eric told Sookie’s cousin to deliver a message to Sookie, why was there blood coming out of Eric’s ear? Did I miss something?) I usually make an offhand comment in these recaps about how I would like to be Eric’s friend. I have to admit, for the first time, I have no interest in being Eric’s friend. Hey, sometimes a person just has to stand up for what he believes in! (Even if it means retracting a statement about friendship with a fictional vampire.)

Also, the vampire-blood tears need to stop; they completely take me out of a scene. How does this work, anyway? Do vampires just store blood in their tear ducts instead of water, oils, and mucin? When a vampire visits an optometrist, does the blood in their tear ducts automatically exclude them from that horrible glaucoma test where the doctor shoots a burst of air onto your eyeballs? (If so, based on this theory alone, I would like to be a vampire.) I’m sure that somewhere a vampire wears contact lenses; wouldn’t the blood ruin the lenses? Or, once someone is turned, does that person inherit super vision? Optometric questions aside, my point here is that any emotional scene—such as the scene with Sookie and Bill at the hospital—gets pretty corny once the “blood works” start flowing.

I’m rethinking the part about Eric not being my friend. I mean, I’m sure he had his reasons, right?

Here’s what’s frustrating: So, it appears almost everyone is back in Bon Temps, and poor Sam and Jason still have nothing to do. Oh, sure, Sam has a new live-in brother who likes to start fights. And Jason Stackhouse is
still, well, Jason Stackhouse. But, then again, both of them did piss off Cal Norris (whom my girlfriend says does not hold up to the book’s version of Cal); I almost feel that at this point both Sam and Jason challenged Cal just for the fleeting hope of a stronger plotline.

Saying that I wouldn’t be friends with Eric
that’s a little harsh. Look, I’m disappointed in him. We all say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment.

Right after True Blood I watched Mad Men. I bring this up because, on Mad Men, Don Draper had a scene where he put a fresh coat of paint on an old friend’s house that he was visiting in Los Angeles. Sure, the wall he was painting looked a little dirty, but you know whose house could really use a fresh coat of paint? Sookie Stackhouse’s house. The paint chipping off of her home’s exterior has passed the charming stage and has sunk into that of decrepit. Yes, I know she’s been busy, but I’m not sure if the neighborhood board is going to be completely understanding of her excuses of “hospital stay,” “spurned lover werewolf attack,” or “mad hot vampire sex” as valid excuses. Maybe one of them, but all three?

“They killed my Cooter!” These four words were spoken on an Emmy-nominated television show.

I’ve had enough vampire-versus-werewolf fights. For one thing, are they even fair? Why do the werewolves even bother? They wind up getting themselves killed every time. I enjoyed Bill’s werewolf-killing training session with Jessica about seven times as much as the actual werewolf showdown. One caveat: Bill Compton using 21st-century (or, really, late-20th-century) American slang is painful. Did he really reply to Jessica’s “no way” with just the word “way”? Oh, Bill, you’re a Civil War hero! You should be using phrases like “bully for you” and “high-falutin,” not quoting Wayne Campbell.

O.K., look
things got a little out of hand earlier with this whole “not wanting to be friends with Eric” business. Sometimes I just don’t know what goes through my head. Look, I didn’t mean it. I will, for as long as I may live, always wish that Eric were my friend.