How To Be Attractive To Women

These tips are about making yourself more attractive to women (if you are a man). Men are awesome but most straight men are considerably less awesome without the backing of a good woman. You need to attract a woman before you can win her over – so let’s crack on, with the tips, shall we?

1) Women don’t care what you look like. They don’t. They care how you dress and present yourself but they won’t even notice that you are short, fat, bald, skinny, lanky, wearing glasses etc… If you follow my other tips. I mean, they won’t in 90% of cases, the other 10% are shallow bitches that don’t deserve you. This is a tip because just knowing it makes you more attractive.

2) Smell nice. Unless you’ve just rescued them from a fire, or you are sweating in the gym, women prefer you to be clean. Undies are washable BTW. And so are socks.

3) Wear black. It really IS that simple. Black is sexy, badass and flattering. Everybody looks better in black. And leather. Black leather. A nice full-length black leather coat is going to make you wonder where all the girls came from. Black leather trousers, however, will make you wonder where all the men came from, so give them a miss.

4) Have an arrogant posture. Really. Head up, slight swagger, exuding your (possibly fake, it doesn’t matter) confidence from every pore. Confidence is sexy. You know now that your minor physical defects don’t matter, you smell divine, you’re dressed like Neo – frankly, we’re only up to #4 and you’re already a sex GOD. Is it hot in here?

5) Manners. Have some. Then have some more. Manners are sexy.

6) Be realistic. This is going to sound harsh but not every man can date a nymphomaniac Swedish model. The wider you throw your net, the more chance you’ll have of getting a date. Give the girls with “good personalities” a chance… At the very least they’ll be practice.

7) Get a dog. Buy, borrow or steal a dog. Chicks like dogs (especially puppies). You’ll look more approachable with a dog and more lovable by association. Oh, avoid dogs that stick their heads up women’s skirts, that isn’t going to be conducive to you doing the same later.

8) Pretend you are healthy. I know you’re not. Single guys never are. I’ve never ever read a blog entry by a single man that didn’t mention at least one of his many and varied minor ailments. When you go out, dose yourself up and forget the whining. She’ll play nurse when she’s in love with you but most women aren’t actively seeking a sick man.

9) Don’t stare at women’s tits. Very important. Don’t. It is a common mistake and horribly creepy. I know you’d love a woman to gaze longingly at your dick but trust me, it isn’t the same. Practice looking cool instead, if you ignore her “assets” she might be miffed and find excuses to shove them in your face, or rub them against your arm. Wouldn’t that be more fun than furtively mumbling replies to them as she talks?

10) Talk first. You may as well and she’ll love you for it. Ask for the time, ask if you are in the right building… Asking is good, it’s an excuse to talk and it makes you seem kinda vulnerable (despite your new found sexy coolness). Don’t use a cheesy chat-up line though. Ugh.

11) Listen. Guess what my favourite subject is? Me. I know it’s a shame but it’s true. Now that you are talking, I think you should discuss her. If she DOES ask about you, be vague, keep your mystery and be brief. Never admit to being a LARPer, for instance. If you are witty you’re probably getting laid already… If you’re not, I’m afraid quoting huge chunks of Monty Python or The Office is not the same thing. Ask her about herself, pay attention and nod.

12) Learn to play the saxophone. That isn’t a euphemism, I really mean it. Possibly the best tip of all. Saxophones are totally sexy. If you are not musical, you might want to show her your scars instead. All men have scars and girls love scars. But stick to the accidental ones.

27 responses to “How To Be Attractive To Women”

Also, that I almost never get caught looking at tits, because I’m a total ass man, so if I’m face to face with a girl I’m actually looking at her (and wondering when she’ll have to go to the loo, so she’ll turn around and I’ll get to see her bum.)

Also, strangely, the one thing that has gotten me laid more than anything else is simply about a half hour into the conversation, leaning forward and whispering “I want to fuck you.”

For some reason that works better than any chat up line, funny story or subtlety I’ve ever tried.

I think it’s because girls figure we want to fuck them and t hey are not used to dudes being honest and direct about it.

I’m glad you found me too Rob – Especially as I came to your journal, a while back, to see how you were and point out where I was… And you’d taken me off your flist! I could only see an old entry! *sniff* I thought “He hates me and wants me to die!!!1!”, so I just left it.

This is a true story, absolutely not kidding: many years ago at what I would consider to be an upscale establishment, I was sitting with a group of people, across from a guy that was clearly interested in me. As we sat, he was using the – I don’t know what you call it – skinny little straw they put in drinks (swizzle stick?) to scrape the plaque off his front teeth when I appeared to be looking away. Oh, no – that’s not all: he held out his drink – with the straw in it – and offered me a taste.

Just thinking about it, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit…

I came home from work the other day, and took my husband into the bedroom – I said, “Take off my blouse.” So he did. Then I said, “Take off my pants.” So he did. Then I said, “Take off my bra.” So he did. Then I said, “Take off my panties.” So he did. Then I said, “I don’t want to catch you wearing my clothes again.”