(My Internet dies one day. I pretty quickly narrow down the issue to the hub provided by our ISP; it’s dead, no lights, nothing. I have to work today, so I ask my grandmother to call up the ISP and ask for a new hub to be sent out. She calls them up and winds up speaking to a call center where, after performing all the routine tests, the “technician” on the other end declares the hub to be dead and says that a new one will be sent out in five working days. Feeling that this isn’t really quick enough, I call up. After going through all the menu options, I get to speak to a “technician.” I fill him in.)

Me: “I really would like to get my Internet service back as soon as possible. I don’t really want to wait five days for the new hub to arrive; is there no way we can do this faster?”

Tech: “No, sir. This is a standard process. It takes five days.”

Me: “There must be a means to get this quicker. I need my Internet; I work from home two days a week.”

Tech: “Let me get the floor manager for you.”

(After a long wait the floor manager comes on the line. I fill him in:)

Me: “…so, as you can see, five days is a long time to wait, and I need the Internet because I work from home two days a week.”

Manager: “Sir, you will just have to go into work.”

Me: “Actually, no. This isn’t possible. I have to be at home these days, and I won’t get paid if I can’t work.”

Manager: “Sir, that’s your problem; you should know an Internet service isn’t reliable.”

Me: “Wait a second… You are telling me that your service, which I pay for every month, is unreliable?”

(He seems to realize what he said.)

Manager: “No, sir. I just mean to say that you can’t guarantee that your Internet will work all the time.”

Me: “Well, there must be some means by which you can get me back online within a day or two.”

Manager: “No, sir. We must follow our process.”

Me: “Okay, great. Then let’s follow your process and cancel my service. I know that [Other Broadband Service] offers to get me online within 24 hours of signing up, so I might as well swap to them until their hub dies and then swap back.”

Manager: “Very well, sir. I will transfer you to the cancellation team.”

(I wound up speaking to the cancellation team, who were not in a call center. They were very apologetic and said that there was totally a means to send me out a hub faster on a next-day delivery scheme. The next day, a hub arrived and I set it up. Three days after that, another delivery came, this time with two hubs. I can only guess that the first one to arrive came from the cancellation team. The second two must have come from the initial call. They must have figured that sending two hubs made up for the slow delivery?)

(My girlfriend’s mobile phone switched itself off and won’t turn back on. So, she’s on the phone to her provider, talking to their tech support.)

Girlfriend: “My phone turned itself off and won’t turn back on again.”

Tech: “Have you tried turning the device off and back on again?”

Girlfriend: “If I could do that, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”

(I honestly couldn’t believe this happened, as it seemed too cliché. I understand these people have to ask you to try the simplest fix first, but what use is it asking you to turn your phone off and then on again if the issue is that your phone won’t turn on?)