I’ve had it in my head for a while that it would be hilarious to go to a nudist camp and spend a day, then write about it because why not? But what am I in for if I do such a thing? Aside from bits and bobs hanging out, what’s the deal with being naked all day in an allegedly non-sexual way? I looked into it!

No Sex!

Most if not all naturist camps and retreats are actually meant to be family getaways. They contend, fiercely in fact, that the naked body has been sexualized by society but in and of itself it is just our natural state and that sexuality exists in the mind. Isn’t that sweet?

This viewpoint is awesomely naïve and intentionally myopic, of course. To suggest the human body is not sexual in and of itself is to deny the basic laws of attraction. Can you be attracted to a person’s mind? Of course. The attraction to a mind can be stronger than a physical attraction but it doesn’t deny that physical attraction exists. T and A have not been sexualized by our culture, they’ve just been over sexualized. Breasts, lips, and our junk are hot to us because they’re part of sex, we use them during sex and so they are sexy to us. Don’t pretend they’re not, nudists!

Boners are Kosher!

According to most FAQs I read, asking about boners is a common question. After looking at the various photos available the question never occurred to me at all because, and I’m not trying to be judgmental here, but the kind of people I find attractive do not seem to want to be naked whilst camping. Nonetheless, it’s a concern some people have but don’t fear! Naturists understand that boners are natural, so that means leave your Viagra at home. And if you do have one, don’t flaunt it. I read that, word for word, on a website about this stuff. Don’t flaunt it. So I guess that means don’t hang your keys on it, use it to give directions, or deep it in beet juice and draw red mustaches on people while they sun bathe. Maybe try covering it with a towel.

No one Hates Your Menses!

Ladies, don’t think we forgot about you. While men have boner shame, surely some women have period shame, what with being out and nude and all. You’re welcome to use a tampon any time you like before going out and playing volleyball or bingo or whatever, but if you feel the need to use a pad, make sure your undies are not provocative. You wouldn’t want to entice people with your period panties. Also, just so you know, don’t go swimming if you’re using a pad. Because you will gain 10lbs worth of water and maybe drown.

Fun Times!

Nudists apparently really enjoy swimming, playing cards and regularly scheduled dance nights. I don’t know what else to say about that. I’d also been assured on most sites that nudists are entirely, awesomely friendly and will make you feel at ease all the time. A quick scan of journalistic articles on the topic confirms that yes, naked people will sidle up to you as soon as you arrive and just start chatting like an old person in line at the supermarket. Yay!

Conclusions

I still haven’t decided if I will attend a nudist colony for the purposes of writing an article. Would I be uncomfortable? Extremely. Should I be nude in public? Probably not. Would I make a killer comedy article out of it? Definitely. But I suck at volleyball and I really don’t like to swim all that much. I guess we’ll see.