Sunday 27 May 2012 15.00 EDT
First published on Sunday 27 May 2012 15.00 EDT

Age: In its present form, 200 years old.

Appearance: Red, white, blue and ubiquitous.

It is everywhere at the moment, isn't it? To think that MPs in 1953 tried to outlaw the sale of union jack knickers! Actually, you're not allowed to call it the union jack any more, because of the imperialist overtones. It's union flag.

Oh. Well, imagine trying to constrain the uses of such a brilliantly versatile piece of vexillological wizardry, anyway. Good for everything from cakes to racism! And so cheerful! Those primary colours, most uplifting.

How did we end up with such a jolly thing? Was it to make up for our funereal national anthem? No, it was the happy result of combining first the St George's Cross of England –

Red on a white background? All the better for distracting dragons? Quite so – combining that with the St Andrew's Cross of Scotland in 1606 to commemorate the ascent of James I (or VI if you're Scottish. Gosh, you lot do like to complicate things for a Sassenach scribe) who united the two kingdoms. Then, 200 years later the St Patrick's Cross was incorporated too, giving us the double red lines and really making the whole thing pop.

What about the Welsh? I think they're dreadful.

No, I mean, their representation in the flag. Oh, I see. Well, because they were conquered by Edward I and made part of England in 1282, long before the flag was thought of, they just get included in the George Cross bit.

Ouch. Can't they have something added? Run a leek down the side? Daffodil-yellow corners? A central escutcheon of Nerys Hughes in magnificent silhouette? No. The Labour MP for Wrexham, Ian Lucas, did propose in a 2007 House of Commons debate that a red dragon be added, but nothing seems to have come of the suggestion.

People would just think it was another St George thing, anyway, wouldn't they? They'd have to be a bit stupid to think that.

It is a banner deeply beloved of the BNP. Point taken.

Do say: "God Save the Queen, and I'm really looking forward to Euro 2012, and the Olympics too. I'm brimming with national pride that stops well short of jingoism."

Don't say: "I'm having the whole flag tattooed on the bulldog tomorrow."