John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

Opening the emotional door to all memories, not just the painful ones. (Published 3/15/2016)

Q:

It's been two years since my dad died and I feel like I'm in a black hole. I have a lot of anger built up. My Dad and I were really close but every time I try to think of good memories, I think of him laying in his casket. I want to see good memories but I just can't. Is there anyway I can find a path to be able to see good memories?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Beth,

Thanks for your note and question.

It’s interesting to read that you and your dad were so close, which makes us wonder what the anger is about.

Of course we can’t tell you how you feel or define your feelings for you, but somehow we get the sense that anger may not really be at the heart of it.

In fact, we’d imagine that your broken heart is what’s generating the feelings that you interpret as anger.

We’re making our assumptions based on the few lines you wrote. You didn’t mention your dad dying in violent or diabolical circumstances which could make you feel angry; nor did you mention anything that might indicate there were things he’d done to harm you over the years at which you’re still angry.

In helping grieving people over the past 35 years, we have three objectives for them:

1. To remember the person who died the way they knew them in life, not only the way they were when they died. 2. To have fond memories of that person not turn painful on them. 3. To have a life of meaning and value even though someone important to them has died.

We think those three goals are exactly what you’d like to achieve, if only you knew how. So If our guesses are correct, and those objectives appeal to you, we suggest you go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. The net result will answer the three goals above.