Is it Any Wonder They Call it… Amazing Grace – a Ragamuffin Blog

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Marriage Advice

It is your wedding day.
In many ways it has been a long time coming, but at the moment it seems
surreal that the day is here. It is an
exciting day and I am hopeful that everything goes smoothly, but even if
something doesn’t, don’t let it steal the joy of this moment.

I haven’t had the chance to talk to either of you much about
marriage, but I have a few thoughts I would like to encourage you with as you
embark on this new chapter of life – one that extends through the rest of your
life. Forever and always is not guaranteed and will require significant effort,
grace and humility to have a chance.

Fairy tales are illusory. The vows
you make today, as I know you are aware, mark a covenant before God. This covenant is a sacred promise to not
forsake the other no matter the adversity you face. And you will face adversity. From financial strain, to job demands, to
relational difficulties, to child-raising, to where to live, to…. Life is both beautiful and challenging. Whatever challenges you face they need not
drive you apart, though they do for many.
Adversity faced in isolation drives wedges between you, but adversity
faced with your spouse is, many times, the instrument God uses to forge you
into one. You need each other. Steven you need Kendra – yes, as the man you
are the leader and protector, but this does not mean you are meant to bear
every burden alone, to not share your difficulties, your questions with
Kendra. She is your partner in this life
– including its struggles – don’t rob yourself or your marriage of availing
yourself of this God-designed help in an attempt to isolate Kendra from the
storms of life. Huddle together in the
storms and find your strength in God together.
Kendra, don’t be afraid to give Steven your counsel and your insights he
needs them as you need his. While marriage is not like a fairy tale – there is
something stronger that is found in marriages that thrive – joy forged on the
anvil of difficulty. This kind of joy in
each other and together found in God, is the mortar that will cause your
marriage to last.

Be quick to forgive and slow to
anger. One of the challenges of
having two human beings marry is that we are sinners. This means that you will at times hurt each
other. Sometimes the offending party
won’t even know they are hurting the other.
I remember when Mom and I first got married – I was so excited to sleep
in the same bed and cuddle with this “the woman for whom my soul craved” and
having mom unceremoniously remove my arm from her person and roll AWAY from
me. I felt rejected. Mom felt hot. She didn’t mean to make me feel
rejected she just was too hot. My sense
of rejection was based on expectations that were unmet. Unmet expectations could be its own point but
I’ll include it here. You both have
expectations you are bringing into the marriage that the other person is
probably completely oblivious to. You
may not even be able to speak to what your expectations are, but you have them
nonetheless. The process (possibly life-long process) of working through your
expectations and desires of your spouse and their expectations and desires of
you is best accomplished by non-defensive, open communication. When those expectations go unmet and
undiscussed they will often create anger, resentment and frustration – even
sadness. So when (not if) that happens
be quick to forgive – quick to listen – be patient with each other – look to
see the best in each other rather than the worst. “Love covers a multitude of sins.” The people closest to us have the most power
to hurt us and so when one party feels offended our human tendency is to close
ourselves off. DON’T do this. Move towards your spouse even if they have
hurt you in understanding, humility and love and you will find that almost any
offense can be overcome – more just as in adversity – these offenses if shared
and responded to appropriately – will draw you together.

Pursue each other until death. I was trying to say this to you a few weeks
ago Steven, but I’ll try again here. The
wedding day is not the finish line or the peak or the highlight of the
marriage. The wedding day is glorious –
the bride dressed in white – the groom looking with eager expectation – the
wedding party celebrating the union – BUT for all its glory the wedding day
pales in comparison (or should) to the glory and beauty and joy of a life lived
together in pursuit of each other. What
I mean by pursuit is for you Steven – that men enjoy the hunt, the chase but
often lose interest once the game is caught (not that you are game Kendra, but
for illustrative purposes only). But as
I stated before, the wedding day is the starting line not the finish line, and
the race that is to be run continues for the rest of your lives together. As much as you now know about each other, as
much as you now are captivated with each other, there is so much more to learn. Discuss life together – music, movies, God,
philosophy, books, animals, nature – Invest time in each other. This gets harder when children come. And children are precious BUT the center of your
family is always the two of you. This is
the priority and should not be neglected.
Continue to date (again easier now then when the children come)
eventually you may have to schedule a date night. Put your phones down at dinner. Invest in experiences. Go and do things together. Steven, you have the McLain sense of the extravagant,
but this does not have to cost a bunch of money to be enjoyable and Kendra sometimes
it is ok to spend the money for the experience 😊.
Make it a practice to continue to move toward each other and you will
find that the love you have now is great but is replaced by deeper love in 20
years. This is one of the greatest joys
of marriage – to be with someone who knows you at your worst and sees the best
because they know, like no one else, who you are and love you.

Smell the Roses. Don’t be in a such a rush to “arrive” at some
notion you have created of a “destination” that you don’t enjoy what is going
on in the moment. Life is not a future
destination – you are living life now – enjoy it. Life is not defined by money or jobs or
success or house or kids. These opening
notes in the symphony of marriage are incredibly precious. You both have goals and aspirations and dreams
about where you are going. But don’t
make the arrival or achievement of those goals the place where you expect to
begin to enjoy life. For one is very
likely those goals will change over time and what is important to you now will
be different in the future. But even
more importantly, not to be trite, there is really no arriving in this life,
instead it is about the journey. Enjoy
these early days. Find friends to share
life with. Join a church and be part of
a Christian family. Laugh together.
Enjoy being broke (if you are).
Don’t stress about every problem.
Learn to enjoy these moments together even if they don’t quite measure
up to where you hope to be. You can
live your whole life in pursuit of “arrival” and miss all the beauty and joy of
the trip. I’m 42 – I haven’t arrived –
and I wish that at times I wouldn’t have been so focused on not having what I
wanted and more focused on enjoying my wife and boys and the little things of
life. Ambition can be a good thing – but
it can also rob you of the simple joys God has given.

“A Three-fold Cord is not quickly broken.” Marriage is meant to be a human picture of a
larger reality. Over and over in the
bible, the love God has for his people is compared to love of a groom for his
bride. Everything I’ve mentioned above
while essential I believe to a “forever and always” marriage is ultimately not
enough if God is not included in the center of your relationship. The bible pictures this as a “three-fold
strand” which means that God is woven into the joining of the two of you. This has several implications I believe for
how we thrive in a marriage. First it
means that neither you Steven or you Kendra are the other’s ultimate answer to
the longings of your heart – instead you point each other to Christ who
is. Second it means that while the
marriage is the paramount relationship above all other relationships on a human
level, your relationship with God is of the highest significance over even the
marriage relationship. Instead of making
the marriage weaker by virtue of it being of second importance to knowing God,
when we place God first the marriage is strengthened. Just like your relationship with each other –
knowing God requires investment of your time.
Reading your bible, going to church, spending time with other Christians
are not “religious duties” to be done to look good or be good – they are means
to know your maker. And just as you
cannot in this life get to the end of all there is to know about each other
though finite beings, you even more cannot reach the end of knowing the
infinite God. Paul says in Philippians
3:8 “Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of
knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.” Your
pursuit of knowing Jesus, or better said your surrender to His pursuit of you
is your highest calling and greatest good – His love is truly forever and
always.

Lastly, I want to say a few things to each of you. Steven, you are my first “arrow” into the
world. I am proud of the man you are
becoming. You have been given gifts that
amaze me – you can do almost anything well the first time – you have great
thinking abilities – you can teach others.
These have been given to you so you can serve God and others – find
opportunities to use them. Be patient
with yourself as you find a career – it will come. I love you and am looking forward to a
life-long conversation with you (as least my lifetime 😊). Kendra, I am glad to embrace you as a
daughter. I have waited a LONG time to
have a daughter and I could not imagine a better one. You and Steven have contrasting strengths –
his boldness – your reflection – his fiery logic – your compassion. These, I believe, will serve you well in
strengthening each other. He has found
his match in you and I am grateful.

The bible says a man should leave his father and mother and
cleave to his wife. This is right and
true. However, that doesn’t mean you
shouldn’t come around…frequently😊.
While we don’t want to overstep in anyway – our door is wide open to you
at any time and Mom and I both desire to see you as often as possible. And if visiting is not an option we would
love to talk by phone.

I hope your have a great honeymoon – enjoy every minute of
it – Alabama is a great honeymoon destination from what I hear – snakes
everywhere (and knowing your love for animals, Kendra, I’m sure you’ll love it)
😉

Ok time to get ready for the big day – “May the Lord bless
you and keep you. The Lord make his face
shine upon you and give you peace.”