Why Was My Childhood Unhappy? (The Hidden Story of Emotional Neglect)

In my therapy practice I see many adults whose parents were terrible. Yet parents don’t have to have hit or terrify or use cruel, biting words to leave scars. This seems difficult for people to understand. I hear phrases like, “They didn’t beat me.” As if a lack of physical or emotional abuse means that parents get a pass.

Not true! There are “sins of omission” as well as “sins of commission,” as I write about in The Emotionally Absent Mother. When parents fail to guide us, protect us, act as an admiring mirror, supply us with lots of affection, or fail to fulfill other important parental roles, this is neglect.

The invisibility of emotional neglect

Because the word neglect is often associated with not attending to our physical needs (food, clothing, shelter), emotional neglect often goes unrecognized. Especially when your parent(s) are physically present and do some of the things good parents do, like go to parent-teacher conferences. What’s to complain about?

The hardest abandonment to face is when the other is right there. Maybe you’ve felt this with a partner or spouse. It also happens with parents, who may even see themselves as good parents.

It is not that people intend to be emotionally absent. They just are, for a great variety of reasons. Maybe they have a hard time being present in general or making emotionally contact with another. Generally we’re talking about people who are emotionally shut down.

Outer circumstances may also contribute. Perhaps your parent was busy caretaking someone else, mentally or physically ill, working too much, or perhaps didn’t have an internal frame of reference for what good parenting entails because his or her parenting was so lousy. Many times it goes back several generations.

The reason I wrote the book is that this wound is often invisible. We know what an abusive parent looks like but the neglect caused by these sins of omission doesn’t reach high enough on the “bad” scale to know that something was indeed wrong.

What we don’t see is not only is emotional neglect harmful, there is evidence that it is worse than physical or emotional abuse. A child will cling to an abusive parent rather than be abandoned. What a young child can least tolerate is being left alone or feeling invisible.

Long-term effects of emotional neglect

There is so much we need from parents to create a foundation that will help us succeed in life. I’m not talking about being a super-achiever, but having a sense of self that doesn’t crumble when someone looks at you in other than an appreciative way. I’m talking about feeling innately loveable and that your needs can be met. About being secure enough to be vulnerable and have deep, loving relationships.

Emotional neglect in childhood leaves a wake of incomplete development. Often you’re scrambling as an adult to get attachment needs met (if you’re not denying them), trying to build a sturdy sense of self, patching up holes in your self-esteem.

If you were too busy as a child trying to get Mom or Dad to like you, you were focused on what they wanted and didn’t have the chance to learn what you want. Consequently, you may feel a little hollow and as if you don’t really know yourself.

Other common outcomes include feeling alone in the world, as if you don’t have a place that you belong. Or you suffer depression on and off throughout your life. Or feel cut off from your feelings and never quite feel deserving of asking that your needs to be met. Maybe you got caught in the trap of perfectionism, because doing things really, really well gave you at least a small chance of being seen. For more, see my list of long-term effects of neglect.

It’s never too late: healing from emotional neglect

It’s true that we can’t change what happened, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make up for much of it.

Healing from neglect isn’t about blaming (although we may go through some necessary anger), but understanding what happened, how it impacted you, and most importantly what you can do now to help complete your own development. Those deficits are not permanent defects, but rather places that need attention.

If any of this sounds familiar and you haven’t read my book, check out The Emotionally Absent Mother, now in its 5th printing. It’s available through most places that books are sold.

Working with adults who had tough childhoods is the primary focus of my psychotherapy practice, and I offer a free consult, if you are looking for a therapist to help heal these issues. Over half my clients are in other states and countries, so don’t let distance get in the way.

P.S. Thank you for reading. If you enjoyed this article and want to receive others like it, please sign up for more. If this piece sparks something in you, please let me know by sharing your thoughts below.

46 comments on “Why Was My Childhood Unhappy? (The Hidden Story of Emotional Neglect)”

A very sensitive post and very informative too for parents who fail to provide emotional support to their children. I have known a lot of such children who are unable to communicate this pain, which is of least significance to some parents. They end up as introverts, don’t want to share this part of their life, thinking they would be ridiculed or bullied. Some youngsters do confide if a teacher tries to be emotionally present but all teachers can’t be expected to be so understanding and sensitive.

Not blaming is easier said than done! It is not easy to forgive such parents at an immature and young age, may be they learn slowly, through therapy or an understanding partner and come to know the importance of forgiveness.

Thanks for adding to the discussion, Balroop. Yes, such under-parenting can leave children caved in on themselves, lonely and alone. One of the things that can most save such children is someone else who takes on some of that nurturing role – be it a teacher, coach, mother of a friend, other relative, or any caring person. We are like plants needing to be watered by some kind of positive attention.

I have just received your book today(the emotionally absent mother) and came on this website to have a look around and learn a bit more about the topic and the author. I come from a long line of emotionally absent mothers, my mother, grandmother and sister. I have always blamed myself, for being emotionally sensitive. I find I am too much in tune with the needs of others but I am starved of having mine met and I keep attracting emotionally unavailable people in my life, I am now fifty and isolate myself rather, than leave myself open to being more hurt but it is stopping me from living my best life. I hope this book gives me some answers to overcome this life long trauma and a way to move forward and heal.

Thanks for your comment, Mary. It does seem that emotionally absent mothers get perpetuated down the family line. I hope that as you heal, you will be free of the past and not continue to attract emotionally unavailable people.It is often thought that we continue with such people, hoping for a different outcome, to, in a sense, correct the past. Very best to you.

I stumbled upon your book after googling “absent mother” seeking help to heal the wounds of my past. I can’t wait to read the book and begin my journey to healing. This blog post is great. Thank you. (from right here in Boulder, CO!)

Thank you so much for your books, blog and for addressing this topic, Jasmin. I am 40 and came across your book on emotionally absent mothers after finally coming to realize that there was a lot of emotional neglect in my childhood. I was saddened and angered by the realization but, at the same time, so relieved! All these years, I had felt like there was “something wrong with me”, never had a sense of myself, didn’t know who I was, had dysfunctional relationship after dysfunctional relationship, so many other things….only to realize very recently that it was never something that was wrong with me/my fault at all; that most (if not all) of my life choices, desires, etc, were steered by things I didn’t understand and that I didn’t even know were there in the first place. The realization brought me to tears, the sense of relief and of someone UNDERSTANDING me was so strong. My husband also, unfortunately, comes from a background of emotional neglect, and so it’s been a hard road to walk. We have a much better chance now that we actually know why we do some of the things we do, now, though! Thank you so much for your work!

Thanks, Cindi, for sharing your story. This is exactly why I wrote the book: to help us move beyond self-blame to understanding, and to have tools to make healing choices. All best to you and to your husband.

I’ve always been on the fringe of social groups and experienced depression and anxiety. I unsuccessfully tried to “fix” myself by examining what was done to me to make me the way I am until I blurted out to a counsellor that “It wasn’t the things done so much as the lack of any emotional connection to my parents” I don’t know where that came from but it led to a week of tears and agitation and now I am slowly beginning to mourn a thing “not done” that seems much harder than an identifiable thing like a death or even physical abuse. I’m struggling to find out how to recover from a thing not done.

Great awareness that came up that day. I talk about them as “sins of omission” in The Emotionally Absent Mother, and it’s incredibly important that we recognize these more invisible injuries. You can heal from this. The second half of my book is about healing and proactive strategies for making up for the “things not done.”

Dear Jasmin…Thank you so much for your inspiration and for your love of this topic. I have just recently become aware of how my emotionally neglected childhood has impacted my entire life. I am 46 years old and have also struggled with alcohol and drug addiction since I was 15. All of the emotions of my inner child erupted about 6 months ago after being triggered by the second traumatic experience in my life. The first one happened when I was 5 and since then I have repressed heartache…helplessness…anger…fear…panic..abandonment…etc. I have been grieving constantly. It so helps to read your articles and I am so grateful to you. I plan on purchasing your books as well. God Bless…

Hi Jasmin,
I’m a 26 years old female and I’ve been going in circles for years now feeling more and more stuck as the years have passed…. It’s great to finally know there is a way to help myself but it saddens me to know how mean I’ve been to myself as a result. I am so eager to move on but at the same time I also understand that I have no idea what I like and what I don’t like or how to take care of myself which are just more effects. For years people have said to me your so capable and fantastic what aren’t you seeing but I was right about everything little thing I’ve felt this whole time… i feel proud. The work seems very hard to overcome my childhood trauma I’m so wanting to move on and bring love into my life but it’s so so hard for me. What I wanted to know is how in the name of God have the professionals I’ve seen for the past ten years not clearly seen this for what it is? …

I am 43 and just starting to realize why my whole life I have always been depressed and feel like I have no identity, like I am fake. I have always felt like something was missing from my life, like there is a hole in me and used addictions to mask the pain and hurt and shame which of course creates more shame, pain and hurt.

I had seen a tv show about loving yourself and I started to cry because I realized that I never loved my self. Then I started to wonder why I never loved myself There had to be a reason.

I started searching the internet and found many articles about if you are not shown love as a child and/or are abandoned then you will have low self esteem and no love for yourself, because how can you be lovable when you own parents did not show you love by spending time with you because they themselves were products of childhood trauma that they were never able to overcome.

I believe if you had childhood trauma you will not even know about it or be in denial of it like I was my whole life. I though that I had a perfect childhood, but now that I am older I am aware that I chased my depressed father for love but he had none to give.

Now I find my self not showing my son love, not spending quality time with him and talking to him about how he feels. I think this was the biggest reason that made me aware that I did indeed have childhood trauma because I could see I was doing the same thing to my child that my father did to me.

With this awareness I can now stop the cycle by learning to give myself the love that I never received instead of hiding behind addictions or trying to find a woman to give me the love I never got as a child. As I learn to heal from past neglect and start loving myself, I will have love to give to my children.

Thank you for writing this article and thank you God for showing me the way to healing childhood wounds.

Jasmin, I’ve just finished reading The Emotionally Absent Mother and wanted to thank you for writing it and for putting in the work that I’m sure it took to make this whole topic so clear and approachable. As part of my recovery from an eating disorder, I was searching for books addressing childhood emotional and psychological (but not physical) abuse and came across your book and just *knew* I needed to read it. And I was right. Although abuse was a part of my picture, this book so thoroughly describes me that I felt like you knew me through and through. What a relief to know that I’m not completely crazy! And to know that it is possible to fill those deficits.

My mother died suddenly shortly after I began realizing the role she played in my eating disorder and shortly after I purchased and began to read this book. As you can imagine, that has made everything much more complicated. While it sucks to have lost my mother, I actually kind of feel like I know her a little better because of your book. I’m disappointed that you no longer have the online support group but am grateful to have found your book at all.

MC, I’m so glad the book helped give voice to your story. Very sorry there was such a sudden loss. I hope you’ll continue to find just the right resources as you continue on your journey. Very best to you. Warmly, Jasmin

So glad I read this article. I have been mentor/friend to a friend’s teenage son for the past couple of years when I saw that he was really not functioning well. He was withdrawn, not attending school, not talking to anyone, always alone. I felt I had to engage him. I started at first by talking even though he would not look at me, gradually after many months I would get one-word answers. I have now spent the past two half years being there for him and he now confides in me and calls on me when he needs to. There have been times when I was not sure if I was doing the right thing but it always felt right.
I was comforted to read that a friend’s mother can be of benefit. I feel better knowing it was right to do what I have done. My question is, how will he deal with relationships going forward? What will he base his relationship needs on?

It was fantastic what you did and may make him more open to additional help, which he will likely need at some point–like a counselor at school or a therapist. If he can make social relationships with any healthy peers that will help a great deal, too.

I just wanna know how my momma could be a perfect mother to my older sister and make me watch her do that and at the same time, totaly neglect and reject my emotional needs from the day I was born? How bad of a baby and person was I that would make mother reject me but totally embrace motherhood to my sister who was 5 years older than me??

Sandra, there are many possible reasons a mother shows up for one child but not another. Some of these relate to the circumstances of the pregnancy, whether she was ready for the younger child, whether she identifies with one child, or projects onto one the parts of herself that she rejects. I’ve heard of this many times, so please, don’t think it was because you were bad. Best to you, Jasmin.

Same thing happened to me. My brother was six years older and my sister five years older. My mother adored them both. I tried for years to figure this out then one day overhead my mother telling a friend she was ‘done’ having kids but that I guess my dad insisted/forced himself on her/ something happened. So I wasn’t ‘planned on’ and then the marriage fell apart but stayed together. They glowed in her attention and even joined in with her hating me. The family was a club I wasn’t allowed into, including not being invited to my mother’s own birthday dinner. Her reply? “It’s my birthday. I can invite whoever I want.” Like I was a co-worker or pesky neighbor. I tried to kill myself several times but each time an angel intervened. I’m here for a reason no matter how difficult.

I was thinking that my parents are innocent and I have to take care of myself, but now i understood that they neglected me emotionally. I tried to make her understand how it feels when she doing things for her brothers which she refused to do for me. Now I clearly came to know that by trying to let her know my feeling I was frustrating myself.

When I see this site got a bit relief that there are others who have undergone parental negligence, and I am not the only one. Thank you.

I wish the title were “The emotionally absent Parent”. Mothers appear to get most of the blame. Both my parents were absent but my father was the tyrant who controlled the home. My mother was as submitted by him as the children. He was an awful parent who “loved” to have children. As an adult (I am 71 years old) I have come to believe that for him children were “proof” of his manhood. I was the middle child of five and the “whipping boy” of the family.

Over the past year I have become the primary caregiver for my mother. As a result I have come to understand (remember) that I was emotionally neglected as a child. Your article tells my life experience as a child. Until the past year I had not realized just how broken I am. I knew I had issues but I could never understand why and what was the root cause. Now that I know the cause I a desperately seeking healing and wholeness. This issue has left such a big hole in me and there are many days that I feel so overwhelmed by all the work that lies ahead of me in order to heal. I am going to purchase your book and I pray that it will help fill in the gaps. I journalled the other day that it’s not about blame, although I am angry. It does not help that I am now responsible for the very person who did not care for me. I am, however, determined not to let my past dictate my present nor my future. Thanks for this article; it lets me know that I am fixable.

I also became the one to care for my mother when she was diagnosed with cancer. I remember thinking the same thing: I have to take care of the one who never took care of me. I approached it this way: as I have tons of faith, I knew it was something I could do as if it were a person in India. I bathed her, got her meds, fed her and was holding her hand when she mumbled at the end: I hope we meet again some day. It wasn’t a lot but maybe it was all she could give. I mourned the loss of a mother I never had and her death at the same time. she identifies with one child, or projects onto one the parts of herself that she rejects. I’ve heard of this many times, so please, don’t think it was because

I plan to buy this book today. I am a 46 year old female struggling with a chronic digestive illness and major depression disorder. I have lost almost all joy in life. I am single and have never been married. As i dated, i always made excuses for why a relationship would not work. As i got older I could never find someone my very Roman Catholic dad would approve of so I stopped trying. Since I became ill I have lost most friends. When you physically can not do things, people stop asking.

As a child I was definately an over achiever, honor role, sports, etc. I worked full time and paid my own way through college. I was promoted quickly as I worked. I know my parents love me. I believe that they probably did the best that they could. But I never remember hugs, or I love yous, family trips or I’m proud of you. I remember talking to my mom and asking her to repeat what i just said. She couldnt. I had a friend who was a hugger and I would go rigid when she would hug me….she joked it was her mission to make me a hugger. It took her 8 years. Saying I love you to people took 44 years and only happened following an attempt to end my life.

In my 20’s I spent extra money on buying family trips to alaska, buying anniversary events for my parents, buying a rare breed dog my mom always wanted….and making sure my dad gave her the new car she wanted, the refridgerator she wanted and so on.

Now at 46…ill and unemployed and alone…my mom has been too busy to spend any time with me. I asked my dad why she was too busy for me…he said she doesn’t want to be around you because you make her cry. That moment was probably the single most painful moment of my life.

I am hoping your book helps the pain…helps take away her power…helps give me some confidence and maybe, just maybe, a chance at a life.

There is always hope for your own healing, even as you may realize there is no hope of what you wanted from your parents. I do think the book will be of help. You’ll have to really give yourself to letting go of mom and claiming your own power, like to become a hugger and to learn to connect. Very best to you. Jasmin

I wish the title were “The emotionally absent Parent”. Mothers appear to get most of the blame. Both my parents were absent but my father was the tyrant who controlled the home. My mother was as submitted by him as the children. He was an awful parent who “loved” to have children. As an adult (I am 71 years old) I have come to believe that for him children were “proof” of his manhood. I was the middle child of five and the “whipping boy” of the family.

I’ve spent my entire life with feelings of poor self esteem, i was bullied in high school on top of already not feeling good enough and feeling unloved by my mom most of my life. She stone walled, spent her days taking care of daycare kids, giving them outwardly what I never got. She cared for them lovingly but I felt invisible. Nights she fought with my dad or spent nights reading in her room withdrawn. When I did something wrong she would ignore me verbally and emotionally for days at a time. I feared her lack of attention. She would keep her door shut when fighting with my dad or to get away from being a mom. I spent my life trying to make her happy. I would miss the school bus on Valentine’s Day and walk to the dime store to buy her a heart shaped box of chocolates. Hoping to make her happy. I would skip notes or poems under her door to try and get her to talk to me again. I got attention and love but it was fleeting. My moms motto is ” life’s a bitch and then you die” she doesn’t believe in therapy or in medication for mental issues or depression. She is miserable but can pull it together an be a good grandmother somehow, giving my girls love like I don’t remember growing up. My parents have been married close to 50 years. She nags and wears my dad down. Though he is not perfect he has always been loving. I took a brunt of the abuse until I left. Now it’s him. As an adult I have broken free to some degree but I still find myself trying to help her, help her want to get better and be happy. It hurts me to see her in pain, every day painful and sad. She can put on a front and people can think it’s great but it never is, or it never lasts. She excludes herself from major life events, makes excuses for her behavior “I’m fine, just tired” “allergies bothering me” but I know this is not true. I still hurt by have distanced myself. I see her but unfrequently. I know I have loved my kids in a way I always wished I had been. I wish her peace and happiness one day but I know that after 38 years the scars will never be gone. Living with someone that is so hot and cold withholding of love and absent has scarred me and left me with holes I’m still patching. A child should never be told by a mom that they wish you weren’t born. I was around 10-12, and I remember it like it was yesterday. I am brave, I am strong and I have risen above this and not allowed it to define who I am, but it does not mean I do not wish and have the need for the mom I needed, need and want. I spend hours researching why she may have been and is still this way. I feel bad for her, mad at her and hurt all at the same time. I wish she could stop being negative and enjoy the rest of her life. It’s a battle to not try and fix things for her but knowing it’s a losing battle. I find myself reaching for her for support or love even when I know it isn’t something she’s capable of. It’s been a really really difficult life and even knowing and having a clear picture now as an adult doesn’t make it any easier. I’m sad for me and I’m sad for her.

It is sad, Jill. It is very hard to let go of longing for love that Mom cannot give. I think we need to learn to do our best, mothering ourself, receiving care where it shows up in our life, working through the feelings (for which therapy is most helpful) and finally let go. I’ll be writing more about this in my expanded edition of The Emotionally Absent Mother, coming out next April. Very best to you. Jasmin

I’ve just found this blog. I’ve always known there was a hole where my Mom should be. My sister, only 5 years older, filled it for many years, as best as she could – having holes of her own. When my sister died, I lost my sister AND my mother was the way I felt. Then, I had to help Mom cope and survive losing her daughter. I was there for her in ways she’d never been there for me, but it was what needed doing, so I did it.

Dad left us (I say us because of their 7 children, I was the only one who stayed with her after the divorce was final) when I was 12. He knew who she was and he didn’t fight for custody.

Mom is not an evil person. She’s a hurting person. Her own mother was as cold and distant as they come, at least towards her oldest child. I never knew my grandmother and often I’m glad.

Still, Mom had no skill for being a mother. No matter how many children she had, it never came naturally to her. By the time I was born, her body, spirit and ability had all dwindled down to nothing. She was empty. But, she still remembered the pain of never getting hugs or being told ‘I love you’. I got those from my mother, still, she wasn’t really present. Her own demons haunted her so badly, she retreated into fantasy books, endless TV, attempting to be an actress (local theater) ~ anything to allow herself freedom from the emptiness of who she was. And this is her legacy. I am her child. Lost, scared, knowing I missed out on essentials, but no knowledge of how to fix it.

Then, I married, becoming an instant ‘Mom’ with two stepchildren. I had no idea how to do this, so I just offered them all the love I had. I think I loved them more than their father!

When I miscarried, I was devastated. I was already 38 years old and was sure that was my one shot at motherhood. There was a small part of me that was relieved, though. I was so afraid I’d be a horrible mother.

At 40 I was surprised by my son. He is my blessing. He knows this. Our life is challenged by many things, not the least of which is both me and my husband bearing emotional scars from our parents. Still, I keep trying. I keep failing, but I still keep trying to be a good mother. I hope I’m reaching the ‘good enough’ status.

My son does see that I go through spells when I’m not there for him the way that I should be. He also sees that I fight against those spells and work to get back to him and the relationship I built with him as a very small child. He encourages me when he sees me returning to him, telling me how much it means to him when I do spend time with him, talk to him, listen to him, just be in the same room with him and relax, at peace with each other.

I still have holes. I still could benefit hugely from your book. Sadly, books trigger me (because of the years seeing my mother’s hair over the cover of a book instead of seeing her face). Still, I want to get it, read it and apply what I can learn. For my sake. For the sake of my still-living mother. For the sake of my stepchildren and son.