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I’m deciding to leave this as untitled, my first ever one, because I’m not pretty sure whether this is gonna stay on my blog for good. But, the heck, yeah, I am still posting it. Well I don’t know exactly why. Hmm, I am quite certain that I’m not okay lately; you know, my sleep cycle was totally reversed, I wake up two in the morning, sleep around noon, I eat a lot of goddamn chocolates—white chocolates, to be exact—watch a lot of movies and TV series (those are the only ones that make me pretty happy), I always say to my best friend I am sad and that I am contemplating about ending my life, my purposeless life. Well I really don’t know what’s going on with me. Maybe it’s just some sort of mood disorder. Or maybe depression. Or maybe I’m just knowing what life really is all about: nothing.

Well every time I wake up, I feel I’m getting a lot more insane. And a lot sadder. I now realise why other people do drugs and I can’t blame them. Sometimes, or most of the times, we just get really really depressed and don’t know what the hell exactly is it and don’t know what to do and instead do drugs—I have nothing against these people, but for now I guess drugs, illegal ones to be precise, aren’t on my options.

That’s why I just decided to write about it, about how I feel. How empty, miserable, lonely, and combine all other unwanted emotions. That’s totally how I feel. Well I don’t believe in god or gods (I don’t want any argument about this), I have few friends, my family’s quite not okay as of the moment. I mean I have almost nothing to hold on to continue living. I seem to kinda lost inspiration in my life. And it’s really really sad. I have to face everyday with the dilemma of: should I continue with my life or just let go of it? Well, nobody cares about me anyway. The universe doesn’t care. Who the hell am I? I am not special. I’m just a being that randomly existed—or actually not; that is still debatable—in this pool of black space and randomness.

And I hate it. I hate everything that is about me, that is about life, that is about humans, that is about feeling and hurting. I hate to having the choice to live, but quite lucky anyway; at least I have an option as some people do not—okay, that made me feel better.

But I don’t know—do I actually know anything? Well, I’m planning to see my University’s psychologist next week and get some advice from him/her. Or maybe take some antidepressants. I read St. John’s Wort is kinda good, I’m just gonna ask the psychologist about it.

By the way, sorry for the many em-dash interruptions I’ve had on this. My mind’s just completely disoriented right now.

Anyway, I’m not sure if I’ll still be here tomorrow, if I’ll still be alive…or dead—that, nobody knows. But for now, good-bye. Thanks for reading. It means a lot to me.

I’ve been working on theories that are intimately related with index of refraction or refractive index but it’s just now that I read literatures about it (besides the book I use for my Physics class, Young and Freedman’s University Physics 13th Edition). It’s really surprising for me and at the same time enthralling to know new ideas about it that open a lot of gateways for me to think about and to conceptualise new theories on.

But before I share the things I just read, I’ll answer first the question you might have in mind: What exactly is refractive index and what is its significance to relevant applications?

In the study of light, the refractive index n of a substance is defined to be a quantity that describes how light, or any other radiation, propagates through that medium. [1] It is commonly (and historically first) seen in Snell’s Law of Refraction, n1sinθ1= n2sinθ2, where θ1 and θ2 are the angles of incidence of a ray crossing the interface between two media with refractive indices n1 and n2. [2]

It is usually exploited in “identifying a particular substance, confirming its purity, and measuring its concentration.” [3] Also it is utilised “in ray-tracing to account for the radio propagation delay due to the Earth’s electrically neutral atmosphere.” [3]

Commonly, indices of refraction of materials are measured to be approximately equal to 1 (for the case of air and most gases) or greater than 1. However, we note that this is not always the case. For example, it is an erroneous concept to most people that the refractive index of a material should always be greater than 1 in line with the concept of Einstein’s Relativity Theory. But, we recall that v in v = c/n is not the velocity at which the light is propagated but is rather the phase velocity of the radiation (the speed at which crests of a wave move). Hence, n is not always greater than 1.

As we’ll see, the refractive index is not always greater than 1 and is not always real. As what I’ve read from a wikipedia article, we know that: when a refractive index is below 1 but greater than 0 (i.e., |n| < 1), in contrast to the misconception of its inexistence, it implies that the phase velocity is faster than the speed of light in vacuum; when a refractive index is less than 0 (i.e., it is negative), it implies that permittivity and permeability have simultaneous negative values and implies a reversal of Snell’s Law; and, lastly, when a refractive index is a complex number (i.e., it is in the form ñ = n + jk), the real part n indicates the phase speed and the imaginary part k accounts absorption loss when the electromagnetic wave propagates through the material.

Today, I finally had a chance again to be taught by my Physics professor personally. To be honest, every time I’ve had this kind of opportunity (in addition to my everyday Physics class, which is, however, less delightful because it’s freaking 7 in the morning) I feel very happy. Physics has always been my favourite field of study (and Prof Lao, my current professor—and also Dr de Vero, my Physics professor last term—have been my favourite professors in my more-than-a-year-stay in the university). I always indulge myself with the many questions about and wonders of the study and devote most of my time reading books and other references about the field. I prioritise my learning in Physics courses more than anything else. I always clinch that I understand well the lessons we discuss in class (that’s why I hate it so much when I do not perfect multiple-choice exams which for me means that there’s something wrong with the way I understand the concepts). And that’s how much I love Physics.

But sadly, I’m studying Electronics and Communications Engineering. And the closest I can get to Physics, specifically Electromagnetism (my favourite branch), with the field I’m currently studying is Communications Engineering. I’m really upset with the truth that I’m choosing not to be happy, that I’m deciding to continue my study of Engineering instead of my dearly loved Science. And now I’m thinking, again, of shifting out of the program I’m enroled in. I’ve asked my parents before about this and they’re letting me do whatever I want.

But for now I’m still undecided. It’s a very big decision to make. My future depends on it. Everything does. My third term in the university will end in few weeks time. I’m about to finish studying 35% of my degree. And I know I have to have my decision as soon as now.

And so I realised, that maybe, change is one the things that I fear most. But, maybe, one day, hopefully, I’ll overcome it and finally have the chance to do what I love most.

On a different note, my other plan, instead of shifting out, is to continue my study of Engineering and just instead take-up electives about EM in my institute, Electrical and Electronics Engineering Institute, such as Microwave Engineering courses, or in National Institute of Physics such as Electromagnetic Theory courses, or just study again after I graduate.