Baath Tubs, or, how your google searches become ad profits

As I shared in two earlierposts, I spent a prior life editing article titles for a suite of self-help websites. My job was to turn your real internet searches into cheesy articles, at $0.04 a title, and I easily made $15-20 an hour while living in a third-world country, just by rearranging sentences on one half of my computer screen, while watching Colbert on the other. Some unemployed writer would then churn out content to match my titles (sorry, DS writers!), with all ad profits going to the company.

It was a good way to pick up money while in grad school, but I left it for a real job. Below, though, is my last archival collection of real Google searches, perhaps typed by someone close to your heart:

“Top Ten Reason for Year Around School”: Searching for Educational Materials

How Does Critical Thinking Effect the Way Read & Write? (apparently not)

What Is the Meaning of the “Talk Less Work More” Proverb?

Very Large Bugs Found in California

Names of 1850s Gold Mining Camps

The Best Dragon Card in Yu Gi Oh

Paul & Silas in Jail Crafts

How Long Does it Take for the Average Cumulus Cloud to Disappear?

Do Ocean Fish Sink or Float When Dead?

Does a Platypus Have a Belly Button?

Stories of the Great Composters

How did the COD War Influnace the Vietnam War?

What Is Human Nacher?

Ways to Have Thinker Hair

Collage Referee Salary

What Are Holly Rollers?

Painting Noah’s Arc

The Cast of the Devil Wears Nada

What Page in to Kill a Mockingbird Does the Mob Come to the Jailhouse?

Typimg Exercises

The Narrative Structure of the Bluest Eyre (cross-genre literature!)

What Did People Eat in the 1900s?

What Did They Eat in the 1800s?

Who Invented the Atomic Boom?

Where to Find Books on Deere Hunting

Feudalism in Midevil Europe

A History of Fonts

Irritable Vowl Disorder

What Kinds of Rocks Are Formed When a Lake When it Dissloves?

What Language Does Ontario Canada Speak?

Songs From World War 11 (Say it ain’t so!)

What Are the Signs and… What Are the Signs & Symptoms of of ADHD Adults?

Bermuda Cruises Deporting From Baltimore MD (I’m torn between the joy of a cruise and the fact it would deport me a) from Baltimore b) into the Bermuda triangle…)

“Does Driftwood Lower Your pH Level?”: Health Ed Via the Internet

Does Seabuckthorn Oil Heal a Leaky Gut?

List of Helpful Bacteria

How Much Muscle Does It Take to Get 52 Inch Pecs?

Help Lose Man Boobs

Why Amputation?

Should I eat Matzo Ball Soup or a Bowl of Raison Brand Cereal?

The Chinese Takeaway Diet (uhh…)

How Long After Eating Chicken Bones Should a Dog Have a Bowel Movement?

Is Black Mold Bad for You If You Eat it?

Emo Oyster Calories

What Is Skinned Milk?

Raison Brand Cereal Help You Lose Weight

What Happens When the Body Takes in More Energy Than Calories?

The Difference Between Aerobically Gifted Dogs & Non-Аerobic Dogs

A List of Muscle Parasites in Humans (couches, TVs, chairs, cars…)

Is It a Bad Thing If There Are Black Dots on Your Male Hamster’s Butt?

What Do Ows Eat?

Over the Counter Pills for Pain Pill Addiction (is this progress?)

Accomplishments of the Salivation Army

Salary of a Blood Splatter Analyst

Can Drinking to Much Vinegar Make You Nauseated?

The Difference Between Knocked Out & Comma

Am I at Risk of Becoming Pregnant If My Boyfriend Is Not Circumsized?

Fish Oil Supplement & Squizofrenia

Small Painful Blumps* Under Skin (*great new word!)

Foods to Avoid for Blood Type A

How to Tone the Back of a Woman’s Arms Without Bulking Them Up (your arms, or someone else’s?)

How to Lose Weight While Being Sedimentary

How Long Is an NFL Graft?

Do Kitchen Sponges Hold Bacteria?

Side Effects of Marawana

What Is Post Pardon Depression?

Why Are Cashews So Tasty? (the perennial question)

The Best Jeans to Wear With White Shocks

Stigmata or Chronic Liver Disease (These are your two options?)

“How to Install a Baath Tub & Shower”: Practical Uses of the Internet

How to Cook With Stinging Nettles

How to Donate an Eye to India

How to Grieve the Loss of a Job

How to Decrease Serotonin (if you’re too happy?)

How to Make a Small Breast Look Bigger

How to Lactate From the Breast

How to Report a Fraudulent Marriage

How to Make Squirrel Proof Birds (do you mean bird feeders?)

How to Raise Your Ebenezer

How to Tell an Employee Not to Be So Cocky

How to Conversate With a Girl

How to Use Medicine to Cure Gingervitis

How to Do Karate Moves on Three Ninjas

How to Preach the Word of God on the Internet

How to Make Women Start Producing Milk

How to Take Permanent Scratches Off a CD

How to Make an Obsiticle Curse

How to Clean Macaroni in the Dishwasher

How to Test Paper Currency for Drugs

How to Stop Global Worming

How to Remove Russian Dubbing on MASH

How to Cut a Man’s Hair Who’s Growing It Out (Delilah? Is this you?)

How to Make a Red-Headed Man Fall in Love With You

“Why Do People Live in North Carolina?” Problems in the American Heartland

When I Take Out a Mortgage Can I Get an a Little Extra for Appliances?

Can a Married Woman Give Her Baby Another Man’s Name in Florida?

Does Omaha Nebraska Only Have 2 Public High Schools?

Where Can I Rent an Exotic Car in Nashville, Tennessee?

Training Fish to Swim in Harmony

How to Stay on the Volunteer Fire Department & Make Your Wife Happy at the Same Time

Why Can’t People With Flat Feet Join the Military?

What Part of teh Eye do you put eyeliner on?

How Far Is it From Niles, Ohio to Baghdad, Iraq?

What Happens If You Lose the Holly Spirit?

Should a Wok Catch on Fire?

What Is the Difference Between a Jewry Salesperson & a Jail Guard?

How to Bait Frozen Anchovy

Is Deer Meat, Peaches & Ketchup Good to Cook in a Crock Pot?

What to Twitter When Someone Dies

Assembly of God Guidelines

What to Call a Girl Besides a Hottie

Why Pay Taxes When the Feds Can Just Print More Money? (good question!)

In the State of Arkansas What Makes a Search Warrant Invalid?

Do Cucumbers Run on Chicken Wire? (Chicken Run?)

Can You Refuse a Certified Letter From a Sheriff?

The Best Direction to Point a TV Antenna in Minnesota

Hobo Signs During the Great Depression (another 2010 recession search!)

Growing Dried Flowers

What IQ Do You Need to Be a Nurse?

Can I Get Rabies From Water That a Skunk Died In?

Things That People Collect of Hitler

Deer Legs on a Gun Rack

Define: “Heil Hitler”

How to Tell If a Tomboy Likes You

Probability of Encountering Icing When No Icing Is Forcasted (I encounter vanilla icing regardless of the forecast…)

“How Good Are Colombian Red Tail Boas Around Kids?” Family and Parenting

How Many Hours of Sleep Should a 2 Year Old Have? (As much as they’ll take.)

What Kind of Animal Is Barney?

I Am So Lonely in My Marriage

Spray Tanning a Baby for Beauty Pageants

Will a Child Get Shocked by an Electric Blanket If She Wets the Bed? (shock therapy?)

Teaching Chess to 4 Year Old

Crock Pot Scalp Potatoes

I Am Having Full Blown Panic Attacks at 38 Weeks Pregnant While Driving

Do Kids Study Global Warming at the YMCA?

Making Sense of a Teenage Mind

Dream Symbolism of Chocolate Milk

Thoughts?

So readers, help a searcher out. What’s the Dream Symbolism of Chocolate Milk? Feel free to share any other answers for the pressing questions above.