New $7000 Sexbot will Guarantee you’ll Never Love Again

Are you tired of the dating scene but no longer satisfied by the simple joys of masturbation? Have you been caught with a prostitute one too many times, or are all the STDs they’ve given you keeping you from enjoying their services? Then you’re just the sort of man that Douglas Hines is looking for.

Hines is the creator of Roxxxy, a computerised sex robot that is guaranteed to please the creepiest and loneliest men of the world. For a mere 7000 dollars, plus 40 dollars a month for technical support and updates, you too can experience the thrill of permanently losing the respect of your friends and family! And while your purchase will mean that you’ll never again form a meaningful relationship with a woman, why would you even need one? Roxxxy comes with voice recognition, speech synthesis software and five different personalities, and Hines claims she has a database of hundreds of phrases. This means you can carry on an awkward, stilted conversation before you carry her to bed, have sex for five minutes and then fall asleep sobbing while she expresses her disgust. It’s just like real dating!

Oh, but the creepiness doesn’t stop there. A motor pumps heated air through Roxxxy’s body to make her warm to the touch. It’s a realistic addition, except for the fact that real women don’t constantly have the sound of a running motor coming out of their torso. Worst of all is that she can shudder to simulate orgasm, because nothing says uncanny valley like a shaking hunk of silicon screeching out in fake ecstasy from a tinny voice box.

But at least she looks realistic, right?

What’s most interesting is that Hines is a happily married man who says he spent three years developing Roxxxy because he couldn’t find any other marketable applications for his artificial intelligence program. If he’s telling the truth, then maybe the future isn’t going to be filed with HAL 9000 style machines so much as we’ll have lots and lots of creepy sex toys.

Hines’ website has supposedly already received 4000 pre-orders, which is roughly 4000 more of these things than should be allowed to exist in a civilised world. And ladies, in case you’re feeling left out, Hines is working hard on a male robot named Rocky. Just don’t let his fake semen mix with his circuitry or he’ll short out and melt Terminator style, and that’s a real mood killer.