Having trouble even giving half a shit about this douchebag these days (I have the same problem)? Here’s a little something to rekindle your hate. Start at 1:53 to skip straight to LeBron’s loyalty pledge:

Cleveland, of course you know I love you all…of course. I love Ohio and I’m not going nowhere. I’ll be here.

You should have listened to me. As I predicted all along, LeBron James has abandoned you. You can now see LeBron’s despicable douchebaggery for the despicable douchebaggery that it is. Actually – it’s less “can now see” and more “you have absolutely no choice but to be forced to watch.” He took your money, snagged a few MVP trophies, quit on the team, and then hopped on the first (well, second) bus out of town.

I must applaud Dan Gilbert for dropping the truth on that spoiled crybaby in public. I have never seen such a thing in my entire life. And I’m so old that I actually smoke a pipe, so that’s saying something. It’s one thing when the Bernard Watkinses of the world rant on jerks, but it’s another thing entirely when the owner of a sports team goes off on somebody on the record. In an open letter. Posted to the team’s official website. Not surprisingly, EPNBAvid $tern has already mobilized his crack squad of goon journalists to shit all over Mr Gilbert and his message. But whatever, Dan Gilbert is no Al Davis. And he speaks the truth.

Unfortunately, it’s not all Kumbayah, assholes. Frankly, the pain you feel right now is your penance for forcing the rest of the NBA to watch you stroke your rock-hard LeBoner in public for the better part of a decade. And you deserve it. Accept your punishment and let the painful truth wash over you. Embrace it. Because when the pain subsides, you will be left with only hate. Let the words of Dan Gilbert inspire you in 20-point comic book font:

You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal…

“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”

You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

Let’s get something clear – LeBron James is a straight-up cocksucker. Deadspin declares it so more eloquently than I ever could, fulfilling a Nostradamus-like prediction I made long ago that the rest of the internet would eventually become indistinguishable from ihatelebronjames.com. That might be why I’ve been so shitty about updating this site – there wasn’t much of a need, was there? Plus, being right about everything all the time has kept me pretty busy.

But here I am, back in the game. Let’s recap all of the LeBron James-related shit that’s gone down since I’ve been absent.

LeBron wasted no time playing games when it came to his Nike contract, unceremoniously signing a contract extension way back in May. Strange, considering NBA free agency was months away at the time and one would think that LeBron’s value to Nike depends mightily on the size of the market of LeBron’s next team. Did LeBron give Nike the inside scoop on his NBA free agency decision? Did Nike give LeBron orders to move to a major market? Or did Nike and LeBron (correctly) conclude that jackoff fair weather fans will buy LeBron jerseys no matter where he lands?

Well…this kid won’t buy a LeBron jersey any time soon. But most other kids (who have not been directly and personally insulted by LeBron) will continue to think that LeBron is totally awesome and shell out big bucks for his shoes and shit. So as long as the fair-weather fanbase stays intact, It doesn’t even matter if LeBron stays in Cleveland or leaves for LA. Hell, Nike probably just assumes that since LeBron is a just a humble kid from Akron, loyal to his community above all else, he would never bail on the state of Ohio. He even has a loyalty tattoo on his rib cage, for fuck’s sake. People really want to believe that LeBron is staying in Cleveland:

James, who wasn’t wooed and recruited by colleges because everyone knew he was NBA-bound, probably will visit several teams come July. Big on drama, he might let the suspense build to a crescendo. But in the end, Cavs fans should let these words from James comfort them.

“The city of Akron means so much to me,” he said. “Akron, Ohio, is my life. I love this city.”

Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, who sat on stage with James, is convinced, or at the very least, feigning conviction, saying, “I’m sure we’ll be here next year with MV3.”

With Nike stuff out of the way, let’s move on to the playoffs…

At the first sign of trouble, LeBron preemptively prepared a nice little excuse for losing, Pete Sampras-style (as if most of you fuckers even know who that is). Then things get worse. Turns out, LeBron has been spoiling his teammates with his exemplary play for years. They never really learned how to play basketball! Fuuuuck! That’s the kind of shit that playoff competition exposes. Fortunately, LeBron was clever enough to abandon the flawed “give the man a fish” philosophy and adopt the obviously superior “teach a man to fish” approach. Unfortunately, however, LeBron’s teaching method involved forcing his team sit around and watch him clang every basketball in sight off the iron and into the stands. Whoops! Not a good example to set for your impressionable students.

In the end, the Cavs continued their predictable regression with LeBron and Mr. Potatohead at the helm and were again dumped from the playoffs (well, I predicted it, anyway). LeBron’s 2010 playoffs in pictograph form, for fans of the old site:

All was not lost for the Chosen One, however. Finally liberated from the annoying basketball-playing part of basketball, LeBron was able to concentrate on what really matters – free agency. King James wasted no time assembling his all-star team of advisors. Of course, Mark Cuban jumped the gun and got fined 100K right out of the gate with some vague comment about a sign-and-trade. Sorry, Mr. Cuban – you can’t have the Chicago Cubs and you can’t even talk about having LeBron James. Then Steve Kerr got fined. It wasn’t long before Jay-Z got himself in the mix. Then all hell broke loose. LeBron and friends had a free agency super summit. Sportscenter jizzed its pants. Repeatedly. The already out-of-control hype reached an unprecedented level of mega-annoying. Then LeBron kicked it up a few more notches when he decided to literally hold court. It was decreed that if any of the King’s subjects sought an audience with their ruler, they had to grovel at King James’ feet as guests of the royal court. The Nets are set to be first up. The city of New York threw a party in the King’s honor. Not sure what happened with the Mavs or LA. I think the Bulls were up last. It’s a mad house all around.

LeBron interviewed his suitors in one frantic week. The Knicks prepared a ridiculous powerpoint presentation (of course it was leaked) that basically amounted to a list of the various reasons why LeBron should not go to other teams. And why coming to New York would not necessarily get him a title, but would surely land him the billionaire status he covets. In Miami, greasy-ass Pat Riley showed off his rings. The Bulls probably tried to talk up the franchise’s winning ways and major market earning potential (without using the words “Michael Jordan,” “legacy,” “high expectations,” or “asshole Chicago fans will turn on you like a rabid badger the second you fuck up and we all know you will because that’s all you’ve ever done and remember that one time Jordan took Craig Ehlo’s face off and fucked Cleveland off the map for a decade we fucking hate Cleveland you dick”).

Now Bosh and Wade have committed to Miami. Stoudemire has signed on with Knicks. And who gives a fuck about Joe Johnson? All will be revealed tonight during a ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME PRIME TIME TV EVENT!!! Only then will I know if I have to change my website’s colors. With any luck, some asshole will leak the decision and totally ruin the special.

While you’re waiting, entertain yourself with this little sideshow – a few months back, LeBron continued his annual tradition of losing at basketball to some random dude off the street (this time to a busboy on national television). Enjoy.

Seriously, read the story. What a bunch of bullshit. A couple of egomaniacal pop icons unite to wine and dine a bunch of rich jerks and fool themselves into thinking that they have discovered a revolutionary new business paradigm. Okay. Sure. LeBron and Jay-Z are business pioneers like dudes smoking weed in the parking lot of Dairy Queen at 3 am and staring up at the stars are astrophysicists.

“We don’t want to do endorsement deals anymore,” said James as he stood next to Jay-Z. “When I talk to Jay, we always talk about creating relationships and friendships not endorsement deals where you pay me money and I hold up a product. We don’t do that. We all got money in here.”

No more endoresments? Okay. These quotes are from February. It’s May. Shockingly, I have seen hundreds of LeBron commercials. I’ve even seen one as recently as five fucking seconds ago. What happened?

(with Yankees hat)

Ugh. Obviously, I left out dozens of examples. I was getting bored. And nauseous. I think I made my point.

So LeBron’s quest to be the world’s first billionaire athlete continues. Too bad Michael Schumacher already got there in 2005, so that distinction is no longer up for grabs (thanks for the info, Brian). With Tiger Woods on pace to cross the billion dollar threshold in 2010, LeBron will be, at best, third to that party. Behind a race car driver and golfer.

So, poor, misguided Clevelanders, stop pretending that this New York deal isn’t going to happen. It is going down. Knicks, Jay-Z’s Bronx Bombers, whatever. LeBron is gonna get that munny. If that doesn’t work, LeBron might sell clones of himself. Or shill for Coke and Pepsi. Or sell his soul to the devil (wait, I think ESPNBAvid $tern already owns that).

“Green is the most beautiful color in the world,” said James as he raised his glass. “That’s how you create partnerships, with the color green.”

Recently, Lebron threw Clevelanders a bone by mentioning that he might agree to a contract extension ahead of his 2010 free agency. For some reason, Clevelanders seem to have bought it hook, line, and sinker (considering all the “see, that proves LeBron loves us” emails I’ve gotten). Oh, how quickly you forget, gullible residents of the Mistake on the Burning Lake. I’d like to take this chance to remind you all just how many times LeBron has insulted you and your fair city before you get too giddy and buy into LeBron’s empty little PR ploy:

First, here are some choice quotes and news stories from the LeBron/NY love affair (weight this against his single “I might consider…possibly, perhaps staying in…*cough*…Cleveland” quote):

You have to stay open-minded if you’re a Knicks fan. … If you guys want to sleep right now and don’t wake up until July 1, 2010, then go ahead. It’s going to be a big day.

We got really close. Coach D’Antoni gave me a lot of freedom, he allowed me to play every position I wanted to play, I was the leader of that team, but I was also like the overseer of some offensive plays.

To be a part of that chemistry, be part of the offensive mastermind that Coach D’Antoni is, that was great.

We were able to do some things on offense that were really unstoppable with the Olympic team.

When asked about the prospect of joining the Knicks:

It would be unfair to bring that kind of distraction to our team and my teammates, the coach and the rest of the organization,” James said. “I think July 1, 2010 will be one the bigger days in free agent history.

Sure, buddy. Then there was the leak from LeBron’s NBA power-player pal that he favors a Knicks trade. Pretty damning stuff. As if anybody outside Cleveland didn’t know that already, considering LeBron unveiled his new Big Apple shoe in New York, during a game against the Knicks, to a thunderous round of applause from New Yorkers. Applause LeBron gladly accepted.

Then there was LeBron’s overly-defensive reaction to Charles Barkely calling him out. It never escalated to a proper feud, but it was nice.

Charles: The outside forces should never affect your locker room. I think LeBron has made some of the right comments, but he hasn’t made the perfect comment. He still alienated 11 guys in his locker room…

If I was LeBron James, I would shut the hell up.

LeBron: He’s stupid. That’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Charles: LeBron James is one of my favorite players, but he’s been 100 percent wrong in this situation Barkley said. It’s unfair to the city of Cleveland and it’s unfair to the Cleveland Cavaliers team. If it was a year away it would still be unfortunate. I wish he would sign a lifetime deal with the Cavaliers.

LeBron: I guarantee that I will move to New York. I’d rather die than stay in this shithole. Le-Bron Ja-Mes. Clap. Clap. Clap Clap Clap.

And don’t forget LeBron’s public displays of disrespect for Ohio’s other sports franchises!

LeBron’s perverse love for the Yankees has been well-documented ever since he showed up at an Indians playoff game and openly rooted for the Yankees in an explicit “fuck you” to the entire city of Cleveland. At about the same time, LeBron created a special Yankees-themed shoe with Nike to rub salt in the wound. Then, as if to drive the point home to the few Clevelanders who didn’t get it, LeBron did a few interviews in which he publicly confirmed his love for the New York Yankees. Any remaining microscopic grain of a doubt as to whether or not LeBron is a fair-weather fan has been completely obliterated with the not-so-shocking relevation that he roots for the Dallas Cowboys.

Wow. How terribly predictable. If somebody were to ask me to venture a guess as to what NFL team LeBron cheers for, my first guess would have been the Dallas Cowboys. Why? Because they are a bunch of dispicable, obnoxious, hissyfit-throwing jerks and/or prima donnas and they’re usually in first place or “supposed” to be. Also, they get all the calls and have blubbering legions of uneducated, casual fans who can’t name three starting players on the team. Sound familiar?

Three peas in a pod:

Tony Romo crying like a little baby

TO crying like a little baby

LeBron crying like a little baby

Fun fact: Distance between Cleveland and Dallas – 1,200 miles. Distance between Cleveland and almost every other NFL city – way the hell less than that.