An open plane.A witch's cauldron sits in the middle of the stage.Three WITCHES enter, as lightning flashes and thunder
rumbles.Their names are
WITCH-WITCH, WEIRD-WITCH, and SPELL-WITCH.Suddenly the cauldron lights up with the words "THE WEIRD
SISTERS" and the Witches burst into song with a boogie-woogie beat:

WITCHES
(singing)
When shall we three meet again?
In thunder, lightening, or in rain?
When the hurly-burly's done.
That's when the battle's lost and won!

It's lost!
It's won!
It's lost!
It's won!
That will be 'ere set of sun!

Where shall we three meet once more?
At the beach or on the shore?
When it's time to cause some pain!
Then it's time to vex the Thane!

We'll pain
The Thane!
We'll pain!
The Thane!

Then we'll do it all again!

The Witches end their song and curtsey to the
audience.Witch-Witch introduces
them.

WITCH-WITCH
Thank you!My name is Witch-Witch.This is
my sister, Weird-Witch.And this
is my other
sister, Spell-Witch.And together, we are The
Weird Sisters!

The Witches perform a brief encore to the same
tune as their earlier song.

WITCHES
(singing)
Fair is foul, and foul is fair!
Fair is foul, and foul is fair!
You've got to hover through
The fog and filthy air!

A camp of Scottish soldiers.Enter KING DUNCAN with his sons MALCOLM and DONALBAIN.King Duncan is a painfully infantile idiot.His eldest son should be played by a mature, bald, fat man who wears
shorts.Donalbain is his younger
brother.Also enter LENNOX, a
Scottish soldier, and a bleeding SERGEANT, along with some ATTENDANTS.

KING DUNCAN
What bloody man is this, with the cuts and the
wounds, and the ow-ies.Somebody
get this
man a Band-Aid!

MALCOLM
Pop, this is the sergeant who fought in that
battle with your cousin Banquo and with your
other cousin!

KING DUNCAN
My other cousin?Oh, you mean Mac—

Malcolm slaps his hand over his father's mouth,
to prevent him from speaking the unlucky name!

MALCOLM
You crazeee!Don't say that!!!How
many
times do I have to tell you? It's
unlucky to
say the name of your other cousin!People
who say it die!

Malcolm takes his hand off of his father's
mouth.

KING DUNCAN
They die just because they say Mac—

Just in time, Malcolm slaps the hand back.

MALCOLM
Stop that!If you weren't my father, I'd give
you such a hit!Now why don't you
ask the
bloody sergeant about the battle?

KING DUNCAN
What about the battle, bloody sergeant?You
look like you're got hurt very badly.

SERGEANT
The doctor predicts that I shall live, provided
that my wound does not reopen.

MALCOLM
Tell us about the battle!

SERGEANT
Doubtful it stood; as two spent swimmers that
do cling together.

KING DUNCAN
That doesn't make any sense.How
can it stand
like two swimmers.Swimmers don't
stand!They float!

MALCOLM
That's right, Pop!You tell him!Can I hit him?

SERGEANT
Please don't hit me.If my wound
reopens, I
shall die!

KING DUNCAN
All right.Just tell us about the battle.But no
swimming!

SERGEANT
As you wish, your Majesty.It was
going badly
for our side, when your two cousins joined the
battle!"Who are those two
new warriors?" one
of the enemy soldiers asked.And
another enemy
soldier answered, "It's Banquo and –"and then
he said the name of your other cousin.And
as
soon as the soldier spoke that unlucky name, the
tide of battle turned, and victory was ours!But
I am faint. My gashes cry for help!

KING DUNCAN
You mean we won just because the other side
said Banquo!

SERGEANT
Not Banquo!Mac--.Oops,
that was close.I almost said "Macbeth."

As soon as the Sergeant says the unlucky name,
his wound opens and blood spurts across the stage.He screams and dies.

SPELL-WITCH
No!I mean Banquo shall be the father of
kings!So all hail, Macbeth and Banquo!

WITCH-WITCH
Banquo and Macbeth all
hail!

MACBETH
Wait a minute!Wait just a minute!You
can
call me all sorts of nice names, but you're not
fooling anybody.I'm the Thane of Glamis, but
I'm not the Thane of Cawdor.And the idea that
I could be King!It's ridiculous!It's
absurd!

Macbeth pats Banquo on the back as the
witches exit, unnoticed by Macbeth and Banquo.

BANQUO
You, a King!It's enough to make me lose
the haggis I had for lunch!

MACBETH
They must think we're
pretty dumb, believing
I could be King, or even Thane of Cawdor!

Enter Ross.

ROSS
Hail, Thane of Glamis!The King has just made
you Thane of Cawdor.

Macbeth does the world's biggest double take.

MACBETH
But the Thane of Cawdor
lives!

ROSS
Not for long.He has been condemned for
treason!

Macbeth steps away from the others, lost in
thought!

MACBETH
I'm the Thane of Cawdor!Boy, is my wife
going to be surprised to hear that.She always
said I'd never amount to anything, but now I'm
two Thanes:
the Thane of Glamis and Cawdor.I
wonder where Cawdor is.I better
find out.While I'm at it, it's about time I learned where
Glamis is.

At King Duncan's palace at Forres.Enter King Duncan, Malcolm, Donalbain, Lennox, and various
Attendants.

KING DUNCAN
Is the execution done on Cawdor?

MALCOLM
I heard he's dead, Pop!He put on a really
good show.They
said that nothing in his life
became him like the leaving it.

KING DUNCAN
He put on a show!Wait until I die!I'll show
you a show.People
will be dying to see me
dead, I'm going to die so dead.

MALCOLM
What if you die off
stage, like the Thane of
Cawdor.

KING DUNCAN
He deserved to die off
stage!I trusted him!He
fooled me completely!No one will ever
fool me like that again!

Enter Macbeth.King Duncan greets him with open arms.

KING DUNCAN
Oh worthiest cousin!

Enter Banquo and Ross, behind Macbeth.

KING DUNCAN
I'm glad you're all
here!I have an announcement
to
make.I've decided to name the
person who
will become King of Scotland when I die!And
that person is . . . my son Malcolm!I name him
Malcolm, Prince of Cumberlain!

Macbeth is shocked by this news.He stands apart from the others and considers.

MACBETH
The witches promised I'd
be King!What am I
going to do
now?I've got two living kings in
front of me. Stars, hide your
fires.Let not light
see my black
and deep desires.

He exits.

KING DUNCAN
Hey, where's the Thane
of Clams and Chowder
going? He
was supposed to invite all of us to
dinner at his castle at Inverness.Let's go after
him. He is
a peerless kinsman.

King Duncan leads everyone else offstage as
they follow Macbeth.

*********************************************************

Scene 5

In Macbeth's castle in Inverness, Lady
Macbeth enters and reads a letter.There
should be a chair onstage, with a large cushion on it.

LADY MACBETH
(reading)
"They met me in the
day of success, and predicted
my promotion to Thane of Cawdor, and then said
I
would be King.Now I am Thane of
Cawdor.I know not what to make
of it."

LADY MACBETH
Glamis thou art, and
Cawdor!And you shall be
what you
were promised.But I fear your
nature.You are too full of the
milk of human kindness.I will
have to take things in hand, myself!Come,
you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me
here!

WITCHES
(singing)
We'll unsex you
here!
Do not show any
doubt or fear!
Just growl and
sneer,
Scratch your crotch,
And swig a beer!
And we'll unsex you
here!

The witches gesture magically.There is an explosion of flash powder, and suddenly Lady Macbeth has
become a man – a tall, waspish man, with a neat little mustache.I will continue to refer to Lady Macbeth as "she" in the
stage directions, but starting from here, for as long as she lives, she should
be portrayed by a man.

The witches exit.Enter Macbeth.

LADY MACBETH
Great Glamis!Worthy Cawdor!

MACBETH
Who are you?

LADY MACBETH
I'm your wife, Gruoch!

MACBETH
Who?

LADY MACBETH
Gruoch!That's your wife's name.

MACBETH
I never heard that.Nobody ever told me her
name was Gruoch!

LADY MACBETH
I was keeping it secret.If your name was Gruoch,
would you tell everyone?

MACBETH
So if you're my wife,
why are you telling me now?

LADY MACBETH
To prove I'm her.She was the only one who knew
it, so I must be her!

MACBETH
You're not my wife!My wife isn't a man!

LADY MACBETH
Oh that!That's nothing to worry about.I
just said, "Spirits that tend on mortal thoughts,
unsex me
here," and I was turned into a man.But I'm sure it's only temporary.It's nothing to
worry about.

MACBETH
That's easy for you to
say!What's King Duncan
going to
say when he sees you?

LADY MACBETH
The King?Is he coming here?

MACBETH
Tonight!

LADY MACBETH
And when is he going
hence?

MACBETH
Tomorrow.

LADY MACBETH
Never shall sun that
morrow see!I can read your
face
like a book.I know what your
planning.

MACBETH
I'm planning to get out
of here!

LADY MACBETH
I like your plan, but
you've got to make sure no
one else finds out about it.You've got to look
like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under
it.

MACBETH
Oh, you want me to make
an asp of myself.

LADY MACBETH
No!I'm talking about appearances versus reality.You've go to convince King Duncan that you're
his most loyal
follower.We'll practice!I'll
pretend to be the King, and you be you.Come
and tell me that dinner is being served.

Lady Macbeth sits on a chair, and acts like a
King lost in thought.

MACBETH
You're the King and I'm
me, and I'm supposed
to tell you it's time for dinner.I think I can manage
that.

Macbeth steps up to Lady Macbeth and makes a
slight bow.

MACBETH
Excuse me, your majesty.Your meal is ready.

Lady Macbeth stands, grabs the cushion from
the chair, and starts beating Macbeth over the head with it.

LADY MACBETH
On your knees, you
pestilent dunghill!How dare
you
speak to your King in such familiar tones?

MACBETH
I'm sorry, your royal
highness.

LADY MACBETH
You are the sorriest
excuse for a man it has ever
been my misfortune to meet, you lumpish, clay-
brained pig!

MACBETH
What did I do?Tell me, what did I do?

LADY MACBETH
You dare to question
your King?What are you,
some
vile assassin?

Lady Macbeth hits Macbeth even harder with
the cushion.He begs for mercy.

LADY MACBETH
You apologize?No, it is I who should apologize.I was so caught up with affairs of state, I didn't
stop to see your
side of things.I was unjust to
you. Will
you accept my apology?

MACBETH
Sure, your majesty.

Lady Macbeth starts to beat him with the
cushion again.

LADY MACBETH
You would let your King
apologize to you?Who
do you
think you are, you wretched, whey-faced
villain!

MACBETH
It was your idea!I was only trying to do what
you wanted!

LADY MACBETH
So now you're blaming me
for your insolence, you
dog-hearted knave!Why don't you just plunge
a knife in my heart?

MACBETH
I'm sorry!It's all my fault!I
don't deserve to live!

Lady Macbeth stops beating him.

LADY MACBETH
What have I done?My poor cousin!I've reduced
one of my bravest warriors to a weak, effeminate
milk-livered coward.I beg you to
tell me what I
can do to make it up to you.

MACBETH
You do whatever you
like!

LADY MACBETH
No, I insist.Tell me what I can do to make up
to you for my thoughtless cruelty.

MACBETH
Nothin'.You don't have to do anything for me.

LADY MACBETH
As your King, I order
you to tell me what I can
do for you!

MACBETH
You order me?

LADY MACBETH
Yes, I do!

MACBETH
Well, you could stop
hitting me so hard.

Lady Macbeth starts hitting him again.

LADY MACBETH
You dare to tell the
King how hard he can hit
you? Is
this too hard?Is this too hard?

MACBETH
I'm sorry!I'm sorry!You're
the most magnificent
king who ever lived, and I'm just a dirty dog.

Lady Macbeth stops hitting him and listens to
his apology.

MACBETH
No, I'm a dead dirty
dog!No, I'm a maggot eating
the
rotting corpse of a dead dirty dog!No,
you
know what I am?I am the
excrement left behind
by a maggot who's been eating the rotting corpse
of a
dead dirty dog!That's what I am!

LADY MACBETH
Oh, stop bragging!You always thinking of yourself!

MACBETH
I'm just a poor innocent
flower, not the serpent
under it!

Lady Macbeth stops hitting him, and stops
pretending to be the King.

LADY MACBETH
You're learning.Just remember to act like nothing
is up, and leave all the rest to me.

She leads Macbeth offstage.

*********************************************************

Scene 6

In front of Macbeth's castle in Inverness,
Duncan enters with Malcolm and Donalbain, followed by Banquo, Lennox, MACDUFF,
Ross and various attendants.

KING DUNCAN
This castle hath a
pleasant seat, I hope, because
my rear end is so soar from riding all this way
on my horse, so I need a pleasant seat to sit
down on.

LADY MACBETH
I suffer from a slight
case of witchcraft, your
majesty.I
am sure I will be myself again soon.

KING DUNCAN
I hope so.Where's the Thane of Clams and
Chowder?

ROSS
Glamis and Cawdor!

LADY MACBETH
He is inside, waiting to
serve you.

KING DUNCAN
And I am ready to be
served.By your leave,
hostess.

Everyone follows Lady Macbeth offstage.

*********************************************************

Scene 7

In Macbeth's castle Macbeth enters, talking
to himself.

MACBETH
If it were done when
'tis done, then 'twere well it
were done quickly when 'tis done, if it were
done
when 'tis done, if it were done.

Enter Lady Macbeth.

LADY MACBETH
What are you talking
about?

MACBETH
I don't have the
slightest idea!

LADY MACBETH
The King's been asking
about you!You have to
go see him, and act like everything's normal, so
he won't know about our plans.

MACBETH
I don't want to go any
further with our plans.

Lady Macbeth is furious.

LADY MACBETH
How can you try to back
out now?Do dare you
call
yourself a man?

MACBETH
I dare do all that may
become a man.Who dares
do more
is none!

LADY MACBETH
I know all about
becoming a man!

MACBETH
You're telling me!

LADY MACBETH
You know what your
problem is?You have no
honor!I had a son by my first husband, before I
met you, and I used
to nurse that baby boy.But
if
I'd sworn to do to that baby what you've sworn
to do to Duncan...

MACBETH
I didn't swear!

LADY MACBETH
. . .I would, while it was smiling in my face, have
plucked my nipple from
his boneless gums and
dashed his brains out, had I so sworn as you have
done
to this.

MACBETH
You'd smash out a little
baby's brain?

LADY MACBETH
Yes, if I had sworn to
do it, I'm proud to say I
would.That's
how strongly I feel about honor.

MACBETH
You should bring forth
men children only.Men
children
with really, really strong skulls.

LADY MACBETH
Are you going to take
care of Duncan or not?

MACBETH
But what happens if we
fail?

LADY MACBETH
Then we fail!But screw your courage to the
sticking place, and we'll not fail!

Enter the three witches, singing and dancing.Macbeth and Lady Macbeth don't notice them.

Screw
your courage,
That's
your plan!
Screw
your courage
And
be a man!
Screw
your courage
To
win the race!
You've
got to screw it to the sticking place!

Screw
your courage!
Screw
your courage!

The witches dance off stage.As soon as they are gone, Macbeth and Lady Macbeth resume their
discussion.

MACBETH
You're right.All I've got to do is smear blood
on the two servants in the King's
chambers, and
everyone will think they did it!

LADY MACBETH
Of course they will!

MACBETH
Away, and mock the time
with fairest show:false
face
must hide what the false heart doth know.

They exit.

*********************************************************

ACT II

Scene
1

In
the courtyard of Macbeth's castle, Banquo and his young son FLEANCE enter.Banquo looks up at the night sky.

BANQUO
There's
husbandry in heaven.Their
candles are
al out.

Enter Macbeth.

BANQUO
Who's there?

MACBETH
A friend.

Banquo takes a closer look at him.

BANQUO
Oh, it's you.Why aren't you in bed with that weird
looking wife of yours?

MACBETH
She doesn't normally
look that way.She's suffering
from a slight case of witchcraft.

BANQUO
That reminds me.I dreamt last night of the three
weird sisters.Don't you find it remarkable that
they said you'd be Thane of Cawdor,
and now
you are?

MACBETH
No, that was just a
lucky guess.I haven't given
a thought to their saying I'd be King.Not
a
thought. It never crossed my
mind.Not once.Well, I think I'll be going to bed, where I won't
think at all about being King.

BANQUO
Good night to you then.

Banquo exits with Fleance.As soon as they are gone, the three witches creep on to the stage.One of them has a dagger which she lowers in front of Macbeth using a
fishing pole type of apparatus.Macbeth
spots the dagger in front of him and does a double take.

MACBETH
Is this a dagger which I
see before me?Come,
let me
clutch thee.

He tries to snatch it, but the witch jerks it
away from his grasp.This
frightens Macbeth.He turns and
calls for Lady Macbeth.While he
does so, the witch retrieves the dagger.

MACBETH
Hey, Gruoch!Gruoch!

Lady Macbeth enters!

LADY MACBETH
Quiet down!You'll wake the entire household!What is it?Did
you take care of Duncan yet?

MACBETH
I was going to do it,
when suddenly I saw a dagger
floating before me, it's handle toward my hand.I
tried to clutch it, and it floated away.

LADY MACBETH
Don't be ridiculous!That wasn't a real dagger.That
was a dagger of the mind, a false creation
proceeding from your heat-oppressed
brain!

MACBETH
It was?

LADY MACBETH
Certainly!Just tell yourself you don't see any
daggers, and you won't.

MACBETH
Tell myself I don't see
it and I won't.Okay, I'll
give that a try.

LADY MACBETH
Now go take care of
Duncan, before you wake
everyone up with your foolishness.

MACBETH
But. . .

LADY MACBETH
Go!

She points toward Duncan's chamber, and then
exits in the opposite direction.As
Macbeth watches her go, a witch lowers the dagger in front of him.When he turns back from watch Lady Macbeth leave, Macbeth
sees the dagger and nearly jumps out of his skin.

MACBETH
I don't see the dagger!I don't see the dagger!

The dagger is still there.He turns to call for his wife, and as he does so, the witch withdraws
the dagger.

MACBETH
Gruoch!

Lady Macbeth enters again.

LADY MACBETH
What is it now?

MACBETH
I told myself I didn't
see the dagger, but I wouldn't
listen to me.

LADY MACBETH
I'm tired of this
nonsense.Do you see a dagger
now?

MACBETH
No.

LADY MACBETH
It's clear to me that
you're just making excuses
to avoid doing what you promised to do.Now
go take care of Duncan, or I'm going fix it so that
you see a dagger
in a place that will make you
very uncomfortable.

While Lady Macbeth is making this speech, the
witch with the dagger is pouring ketchup all over the dagger.

Once again, Lady Macbeth points her husband
in the direction of Duncan's room, and then exits in the opposite direction.As Macbeth watches Lady Macbeth leave, the witch dangles the bloody
danger in front of him.Macbeth sees it and tries to speak, but he's too frightened
to speak.He tries to scream, but
can't.He nearly weeps with fear.

The witch moves the dagger so it prods
Macbeth toward Duncan's chamber.Reluctantly,
Macbeth moves in the direction the dagger wants him to go.A bell rings.Macbeth
would like to say the line about "it is a knell that summons thee to
heaven or to hell" but he is still to frightened for the words to come
out.He exits.

*********************************************************

Scene 2

In another part of Macbeth's castle, Lady
Macbeth enters drinking out of a goblet.There is a bucket of water on the floor in one corner of the stage.

LADY MACBETH
That which hath made
them drunk, hath made
me bold.I've
drugged the two grooms who
attend the King, and I put their daggers where
even my husband could not miss them.

We hear Duncan scream as he is murdered.A moment later, Macbeth enters.His
hands are bloody.He carries two
daggers in his upstage hand, but the audience cannot see them yet because they
are upstage of his body.

MACBETH
I have done the deed.I thought I heard a voice
telling me that I would sleep no more, that I
had
murdered sleep.I'm a bad Thane.

LADY MACBETH
No, you are a worthy
Thane.You did something
right
for once!Wait a minute, why did
you bring
those bloody daggers with you?You were
supposed to leave them with the grooms!Go
back and do it now.

MACBETH
I can't go back there.There's blood everywhere.There's
blood on the King's sheets, and his shirt,
and that little skirt he wears...

LADY MACBETH
His kilt.

MACBETH
I know he's kilt!I'm the guy that kilt him!

LADY MACBETH
Give me those daggers,
you coward!I'll go
place them by
the grooms, and smear them with
the King's blood!

Lady Macbeth takes the daggers and exits.

MACBETH
I didn't mean to kill
the King.But as soon as he
said
my name, he jumped out of bed, right into
the daggers I was holding.Now he's dead, and
I've got blood all over my hands.

Enter Lady Macbeth.Her hands are covered with blood.

LADY MACBETH
See?My hands are the same color as yours,
but I'm not afraid.Look how pale you are!Come
on, get some color in your cheeks.

She smears blood onto her husband's cheeks.

LADY MACBETH
That's better.

MACBETH
You could use a little
lipstick yourself.

Macbeth wipes blood onto his wife's lips.

LADY MACBETH
You're still too pale.

She smears more blood on Macbeth's face.He smears blood on her face.Soon
they're frantically smearing blood on each other.

As the blood begins to run out, Lady Macbeth
dashes offstage for barely an instant, and then she's back with her hands
dripping with fresh blood to renew the attack!Macbeth jumps in terror as she runs at him, and then they resume
smearing blood all over each other.Finally,
they are interrupted by a knocking on a door off stage.

LADY MACBETH
Someone's at the door!Quick!

Lady Macbeth hurries over to a bucket of
water and sticks her hands in the bucket.They come out clean.

LADY MACBETH
A little water clears us
of this deed.

Her statement is ridiculous.Her hands may be clean, but she's got blood all over the rest of her.

Inside Macbeth's castle, a PORTER slowly
heads to the front door to answer the knocking.He is an overweight man with a large red nose, who speaks with a
pronounced nasal drawl. He enjoys using flowery language.

PORTER
Knock, knock, knock!If a Man were a porter
at the gates of hell, he would be so busy
answering
the door, he wouldn't have time to drink.That's
why they call it hell.

There is more knocking at the door.

PORTER
Knock, knock, knock!Don't they realize what
hour it is?They should be at home, drunk, like
decent people.

The Porter opens the door.Enter Macduff and Lennox.Macduff
turns to Lennox.

MACDUFF
I know this porter.He is a humorous fellow.Let's
talk to him, and he will amuse us with his
merry talk of equivocators, and
English tailors
who steal French hose.What
do you have to
say for yourself, witty porter?

PORTER
I say, get stuffed.

MACDUFF
Do you know who I am? I'm Macduff, the
Thane of Fife.

PORTER
I don't care if you're the Thane of Fife, Six
and Seven. I say get stuffed.

The Porter exits, drinking from his bottle.As he exits, Macbeth enters, wearing his nightgown.

LENNOX
Good morrow, noble sir.

MACDUFF
Is the King stirring?

Macbeth looks anxiously around for any sign
of the King's ghost.

MACBETH
He better not be.

MACDUFF
What?

MACBETH
I mean, he was up late
last night, so I hope he's
getting a good sleep.

MACDUFF
He commanded me to wake
him early.I will go
call on him.

Macduff exits.

LENNOX
What a night that was.I'm amazed anyone could
sleep through it.The wind shrieking like a banshee,
the sky ablaze with shooting stars.There was rain
and snow and hailstones big as your head!Some
people say that corpses arose from their grave and
moaned at the
living, the rivers ran red as blood,
horses ate each other, and I swear I felt three
massive
earthquakes.

MACDUFF
Oh gentle lady, I fear a
woman could not hear
the terrible news and live!

LADY MACBETH
What is it?

MACDUFF
I dare not let your
delicate ear hear the awful truth.

Enter Banquo.Immediately, Macduff tells him the news, although he's standing right
by Lady Macduff.

MACDUFF
Banquo, the King is
murdered.

Lady Macbeth shrieks.

LADY MACBETH
In my house???

Enter Macbeth and Lennox, bringing in the two
bloody, young ATTENDANTS from Duncan's room.Macbeth guards them with a huge sword.

MACBETH
There's nothing serious
in mortality!All is but
toys!

Enter Malcolm and Donalbain in pajamas.Malcolm also wears a nightcap.

MALCOLM
Did somebody say
"toys"?

MACDUFF
Alas, Malcolm and
Donalbain, your royal father's
murdered.

MALCOLM
My Pop?Who did it?

MACBETH
It must have been these
two attendants.We
found them
with their daggers drenched in blood.

FIRST ATTENDANT
We didn't do it!

LENNOX
Then who did?

SECOND ATTENDANT
It could have been
anybody!It could have been
the porter, or Lennox, or. . .

FIRST ATTENDANT
It could have been the
guy who owns this castle!

SECOND ATTENDANT
You mean Mac-

FIRST ATTENDANT
(interrupting)
Don't say it!

The First Attendant
runs over to the Second Attendant to stop him from saying the unlucky name.

SECOND ATTENDANT
Don't say what?

FIRST ATTENDANT
Macbeth!

SECOND ATTENDANT
Why shouldn't I say
Macbeth?

Lady Macbeth edges
slowly to a spot behind her husband, and puts her hand on the pommel of his
sword.

FIRST ATTENDANT
People die when they
say Macbeth!

SECOND ATTENDANT
What?People die just because they say Mac -

Lady Macbeth pushes her husband's sword, so
that it plunges into both attendants, killing them instantly.As the Attendants die, she steps back and stares accusingly at her
husband.

LADY MACBETH
Oh!Look what you did!

MACDUFF
Why did you kill them!

MACBETH
I didn't do it!Someone pushed my sword!

LADY MACBETH
Be a man and admit your
deed.I know it seems
rash,
foolish, thoughtless, stupid, even moronic,
something only a brainless dolt
would have done,
but you did it because you were overcome with
the need to
avenge your King's death.It's
perfectly understandable.

MACDUFF
But now we'll never know
for certain if they were
the culprits!

LADY MACBETH
Look at all that blood!I think I'm going to faint.Help
me!

BANQUO
Look to the lady!

Lady Macbeth faints dramatically, and is
caught by Macduff and Lennox.Everyone
helps her offstage, except for Malcolm and Donalbain.

MALCOLM
What do we do now?

DONALBAIN
Let's go back to bed.

MALCOLM
What if someone stabs
us, just like that did our
Pop! I'm
going to go hide in England!

DONALBAIN
I'm going to go hide in
Ireland.

MALCOLM
Good idea.Let us not be dainty of leave-taking
but shift away!

Malcolm and Donalbain try to go past each
other in opposite directions, but they keep stepping in front of each other.Finally, Malcolm takes off his nightcap and whips Donalbain with it.Donalbain stops, and lets Malcolm pass.They exit in opposite directions.

*********************************************************

Scene 4

Outside of Macbeth's castle, Ross and Macduff
enter from opposite directions and greet each other.

ROSS
Good Macduff!Is it known who did this
bloody deed?

MACDUFF
Everyone assumes it was
the attendants who
were slain by the Thane of Cawdor.

ROSS
But why should the
attendants kill the King?

MACDUFF
It's rumored they were
paid to do it by Malcolm
and Donalbain, who have fled to England and
Ireland.

ROSS
I assume the Thane of
Cawdor shall be appointed
King, being nearest in blood.

MACDUFF
He's already been named,
and has gone to Scone
to be crowned.

ROSS
Will you go to Scone?

MACDUFF
No, I'm going home to Fife

ROSS
I suppose I will go to
Scone.I can't believe that
gross
imbecile is to be our King.

MACDUFF
Well, may you see things
well done there.Adieu,
lest our
old robes sit easier than our new.

They exit in opposite directions.

*********************************************************

ACT
III

Scene
1

In Macbeth's castle, Banquo enters, lost in
thought.

BANQUO
Thou hast it now:King, Cawdor, Glamis, all,
as the weird women promised, and I fear thou
pay'dst most foully for it.

Enter Macbeth and Lady Macbeth.

MACBETH
Banquo!

LADY MACBETH
You are coming to our
feast tonight, aren't you?

BANQUO
Your Majesty, I was just
thinking about you.Now
that
you've proved the witch's prophesy came true
for you, I suppose that means my
descendants will
be kings.You
know, I never would have murdered
Duncan.It's a horrible, horrible thing to murder a
King. But whoever did it, did a great favor to my
children.

Lady Macbeth hauls her husband aside, out of
Banquo's hearing, and speaks to him sharply.

LADY MACBETH
What does he mean, his
children shall be kings?

MACBETH
That's what the witches
said.They said I would be
King,
and his kids would be kings.

LADY MACBETH
You never told me that!

MACBETH
You never asked!

LADY MACBETH
So now we have the
King's blood on our hands,
all for the benefit of Banquo's children!

MACBETH
So what, we don't have
any children of our own!

LADY MACBETH
And we aren't going to
have any as long as they're
likely to be dethroned by Banquo's brood.

MACBETH
What do you mean?

LADY MACBETH

I thought maybe it was
time for me to ask the
spirits that tend on mortal thought to sex me again...

Macbeth looks at
her hopefully, happy at the idea of having a woman for a wife again.

LADY MACBETH
(continuing)
. . . but I can see I'm
going to have to remain
unsexed until we solve this problem!

BANQUO
You know I wouldn't miss
a plate of haggis for
the world.I'm
about to go riding to work up an
appetite.

MACBETH
Is your son Fleance
going with you?

BANQUO
Why, what's the matter?Are you afraid he'll stab
you while you're asleep?Don't look so shocked!I'm
only teasing you.Fleance is too
young to be
stabbing kings. . . yet.

Banquo exits, laughing at his jest.Macbeth hears a noise off stage.

MACBETH
Who's there?

Enter two MURDERERS, although they might
better be described as two idiots.The
FIRST MURDERER is fat, completely bald, and speaks with a squeaky voice.The SECOND MURDERER is bald on the top with frizzy hair on
the sides.

MACBETH
Good, it's you.Do you men remember what I
told you yesterday?

FIRST MURDERER
You told us not to
forget anything you told us!

MACBETH
What else did I tell you?

FIRST MURDERER
I forget!

SECOND MURDERER
I remember!He said you were an idiot!

FIRST MURDERER
No!He said you were an idiot!

SECOND MURDERER
No, he said I was a
moron.He said you were the
idiot!

FIRST MURDERER
Oh yeah!That's right!

MACBETH
Let's go over the whole
thing again.Do you
remember, when you were in the army, how I was
always giving you extra punishment drill,
and making
your lives miserable?

FIRST MURDERER
Yeah, I remember that!You were a real louse!

MACBETH
Well, that wasn't me!It was Banquo!

FIRST MURDERER
Banquo!

SECOND MURDERER
We always thought you
were the louse!

MACBETH
It was Banquo who signed
all of the orders against
you!Don't
you hate him?

SECOND MURDERER
No!When we left the army, we let bygones be
bygones be bygones.

FIRST MURDERER
We never let them be
anything else.

MACBETH
I've got news for you
boys.Banquo is going to
draft you back into the army!And the
only way
you can stop him is to murder him and his son
Fleance!

FIRST MURDER
I don't know about this.Isn't murder a criminal
act?

SECOND MURDERER
Yeah, you could get ten
years for an act of
murder!

MACBETH
Not if I tell you to do
it.I'm the King, and if
you do what I tell you, it's an act of patriotism!

SECOND MURDERER
How many years do you
get for an act of
patriotism?

MACBETH
If you do this for me,
I'll appoint you to high
political office.You'll be important politicians.

SECOND MURDERER
Not me!I may be willing to commit an act of
murder, but there's no
way I'll commit an act of
politics!

FIRST MURDERER
Yeah, we've got our
reputations to think of!

MACBETH
Okay, if you boys will
murder Banquo and
Fleance, I promise never to appoint you to political
office!

FIRST & SECOND
MURDERERS
It's a deal!

They all shake hands.

MACBETH
Banquo and Fleance are
going out riding tonight.
If you
wait for them by the stables, you can kill
them after they bring their horses
back.

FIRST & SECOND
MURDERERS
You can count on us!

The two Murderers exit.

MACBETH
It is concluded.Banquo, thy soul's flight, if it find
heaven, must find it out tonight.

Macbeth exits.

*********************************************************

Scene 2

In the kitchen of the castle, Lady Macbeth
enters and goes to a table.There
is a bowl of eggs on the table, and some dishes.A servant enters.

LADY MACBETH
Is Banquo gone from
court?

SERVANT
Aye, Madam, but returns
again tonight.

LADY MACBETH
Go find the King and
tell him I want to see him.

SERVANT
Madam, I will.

The Servant exits.Lady Macbeth ruminates.

LADY MACBETH
I'm Queen of Scotland!So why do I still feel so
unhappy?It's because I know that little worm I'm
married to will find some way
to louse everything
up!

Enter Macbeth.He doesn't look any happier than Lady Macbeth.

MACBETH
Hi.

LADY MACBETH
What are you looking so
unhappy about?Are
you still
feeling guilty?Remember, what's
done
is done!

MACBETH
This isn't turning out
like I planned.I thought, if I
were King, everyone would look up to me.But
everybody still treats me like a little worm.

LADY MACBETH
Well of course, they do.You're still you!Having
a crown on your head doesn't change who you are!

MACBETH
It doesn't?

LADY MACBETH
Of course not!Look at me!

MACBETH
You've changed!

LADY MACBETH
No I haven't.Oh, since I became Queen of
Scotland, I might seem to glow with an
added
royal luster, but I'm really still the same simple
girl I've always
been.

MACBETH
But you're a man!

LADY MACBETH
Will you stop obsessing
about that!I've told you,
this
is only temporary!I'm only
staying this way
until we're sure you aren't going to louse everything
up.

MACBETH
Don't worry about that!I already took care of
everything!

LADY MACBETH
What have you done now?

MACBETH
Believe me, you don't
want to know.But you'll
applaud
what I did when you find out about it.

LADY MACBETH
That will be a first!

MACBETH
What are you doing here
in the kitchen?

LADY MACBETH
I wanted to check on the
haggis I asked the
servants to cook for tonight.Banquo asked us
for it.

MACBETH
What's haggis?

LADY MACBETH
How can you be King of
Scotland and not know
what haggis is?

MACBETH
Tell me and I'll know.

LADY MACBETH
You take the lungs and
heart of a sheep, and you
mix it with the fat from around the sheep's kidneys,
and then add oatmeal, and you cook it all in the
sheep's stomach.

MACBETH
And that's haggis?

LADY MACBETH
Certainly!The Scottish people love it.If you want
to be King of Scotland, you have to love it too!

MACBETH
I love it!I won't eat it, but I love it.

LADY MACBETH
Why won't you eat it?

MACBETH
It's not clean!

LADY MACBETH
But that's what we're
serving tonight!Everybody's
having haggis.

MACBETH
Everybody but me!I'm not eating anything that's
been in someone else's stomach.

LADY MACBETH
So you won't eat
anything that's been in someone
else's stomach, and you won't eat anything
that's
been in someone else's mouth!What
will you eat?

MACBETH
I'll have some eggs.

LADY MACBETH
You'll have some eggs?How many do you want?

MACBETH
I'd like two eggs.

LADY MACBETH
Here!

She takes a couple of eggs and breaks them on
Macbeth's head.

LADY MACBETH
Come on!It's time to get ready for dinner.

MACBETH
So prithee go with me.

They exit.

*********************************************************

Scene 3

Outside of Macbeth's palace, the First
Murderer and the Second Murderer enter and are joined by the Third Murderer,
who is a bossy man who wears his black hair in bangs.

FIRST MURDERER
But who bid thee join
with us?

The Third Murderer hits the First Murderer on
the Head.

THIRD MURDERER
Who do you think?

FIRST MURDERER
Was it the merry wives
of Windsor?

SECOND MURDERER
I bet it was the happy
husbands of Hastings!

FIRST MURDERER
Maybe it was the
depressed daughters of Dover!

THIRD MURDERER
No!It was the grumpy grandmothers of
Greenwich.

FIRST & SECOND
MURDERER
Really?

THIRD MURDERER
Of course not, you
morons!It was the King
who sent me!

SECOND MURDERER
I don't think the King
trusts us!

FIRST MURDERER
You're right!This could hurt our reputation as
professional hit men!

THIRD MURDERER
Professional hit men,
eh?How many men have
you boys
hit?

SECOND MURDERER
Two!

THIRD MURDERER
Two?

FIRST MURDERER
Yeah!I hit him, and he hit me!

The First Murderer and the Second Murderer
point to each other.The Third
Murderer slaps them both.

(A word about stage slaps - it would be best if
the Three Murderers could slap each other on the cheek - but that hurts and
the actors might be reluctant to hurt each other. If the actors aren't
willing to slap each other hard on the cheek, they should slap each other on
the forehead. A strong, loud slap on the forehead will work better than
a soft, timid slap on the cheek.)

THIRD MURDERER
There, now I'm even with
the both of you!

The First Murderer squeals in anger.

SECOND MURDERER
Okay, I admit this is
our first job.But everybody's
GOT to start somewhere!

FIRST MURDERER
If only murderers who
had already murdered
people were allowed to murder, then pretty
soon nobody could ever murder anybody!

THIRD MURDERER
Listen up!To be a successful murderer, you have
to be cruel.

SECOND MURDERER
How cruel?

THIRD MURDERER
Watch this!

The Third Murderer pinches the nose of the
First Murderer in his left hand.Then
the Third Murderer hits his own left hand with his right hand.The First Murderer yelps as his nose his pulled down.

THIRD MURDERER
See, I'm so cruel, that
didn't bother me a bit!

Unnoticed by the Murderers, Banquo and his
son Fleanace enter.They quietly
observe the Murderers.

SECOND MURDERER
Let me try!

The Second Murder pinches the nose of the
First Murderer in his left hand, then hits his left hand.Again the First Murderer squeals.

THIRD MURDERER
Did that bother you?

SECOND MURDERER
A little.Let me try it again.

The Second Murderer again pinches the First
Murderer's nose in his left hand, then hits his left hand, causing the First
Murderer to squeal.

SECOND MURDERER
It didn't bother me as
much that time.

THIRD MURDERER
It shouldn't bother you
at all!Watch this.

The Third Murderer starts to take the First
Murderer's nose, but the First Murderer objects!

FIRST MURDERER
Wait a minute!Wait a minute!Let me try!

The First Murderer does the trick on his own
nose.He yelps in pain, then
barks at his own hands.

BANQUO
You're daft!All three of you are crazy!

FIRST MURDERER
We're not crazy!We're killers!Professional
murderers!

BANQUO
What's your specialty?Lethal nose pulling?

SECOND MURDERER
We've been hired by the
King to kill Banquo!

THIRD MURDERER
Wait a minute, you
knuckleheads!That is
Banquo!

The Three Murderers draw their daggers and
advance on Banquo.

BANQUO
Hold on!You can't kill me!!

THIRD MURDERER
Why not?

Banquo begins to get very nervous as the
hired killers advance on him.

BANQUO
I don't deserve it!I'm an innocent man!I'm
not
guilty of anything!I've
never even said, "Macbeth"
– oh damn.

Banquo realizes he's said the fatal word.

BANQUO
I just said,
"Macbeth," didn't I?

The Murderers nod in confirmation.Realizing his fate is sealed, Banquo presents himself to the
Murderers for execution.They
stab him.

In the great dining chamber of Macbeth's
castle, a banquet has been prepared.There's
a big pot of steaming haggis on the table.Enter Macbeth, Lady Macbeth, Ross, Lennox, and various other Lords.Macbeth addresses the Lords.

MACBETH
You know your own
degrees, sit down.At first and
last, the hearty welcome.

LORDS
Thanks to your Majesty.

The Three Murderers enter timidly, and signal
for Macbeth to come over and speak to them.Macbeth sees them, and excuses himself from his guests.

MACBETH
Pardon me.

Macbeth moves away from his guests to speak
privately with the Three Murderers.

MACBETH
There's blood on your
faces.

FIRST MURDERER
It's Banquo's, then.

MACBETH
It's better on your
outside than his insides.What
about Fleance?Did you get him
too?

The Third Murderer and the Second Murderer
respond as if this were a ridiculous question.

THIRD MURDERER
Did we get him?

SECOND MURDERER
Did we get him?

The First Murderer takes the question
seriously.

FIRST MURDERER
Well, did we?

THIRD MURDERER
We had everything
planned perfectly.First we'd
smash his skull in!

FIRST MURDERER
Then we'd break his
neck!

SECOND MURDERER
Then we'd slice him
into little tiny pieces!

THIRD MURDERER
And everything went
exactly according to our
plans, except for one small thing.

MACBETH
What was that?

THIRD MURDERER
He got away.

MACBETH
He got away!!!!

SECOND MURDERER
Before we could even
lay a hand on him!

MACBETH
Fleance got away!Do you know what this means?
Fleance
gets to beget a whole line of kings, and
I don't get to beget anybody.I was looking
forward to begetting lots of little kings... little baby
kings running all over the castle.But
now I don't
get to beget nobody.

THIRD MURDERER
We're sorry.

SECOND MURDERER

Is there anyone else
we could kill to make it up to
you?

MACBETH
I'll let you know.But are you sure Banquo's dead?

THIRD MURDERER
We're sure, all
right.He's got twenty mortal
gashes
in his head!

MACBETH
Okay.Go home, for now.I'll
let you know if I have
more work for you.

He gives them some coins, and the Murderers
exit.Then Macbeth goes back to
his guests.

MACBETH
Friends, it's time for
dinner.I'm so glad that all
my loyal friends have come here to dine with me.I
only wish my cousin Banquo was here to join us!

Unnoticed by Macbeth, or by anyone else the
Ghost of Banquo enters and sits at the only vacant spot at the table.

ROSS
Come, your Highness,
grace us with your royal
company!

Macbeth looks around, but doesn't see any
empty seat.Banquo's Ghost is
facing away from him, and there is no blood on the Ghost's back, so Macbeth
doesn't know yet that there is a Ghost at the table.

MACBETH
The table's full.

LENNOX
Here's your place, my
Lord.

Lennox points to the chair occupied by Banquo.The Ghost turns to face Macbeth, and Macbeth sees the Ghost and all his
bloody wounds.Macbeth quakes in
fear.He tries to speak, but
words won't come out.Finally, he
manages to shriek:

MACBETH
Which of you have done
this?

No one knows what he is talking about.Only Macbeth can see the Ghost.

LENNOX
Done what, my Lord?

Macbeth tries to speak, but once again he is
to scared to utter a word.He
tries to run from the room, but Lady Macbeth grabs him.

LADY MACBETH
Where are you going?

MACBETH
To pick some flowers for
the table!

LADY MACBETH
You can't pick flowers
in the middle of winter!

MACBETH
You can in Africa!

LADY MACBETH
What's the matter with
you?

MACBETH
Don't you see that
Ghost?

He points to the Ghost, then turns back to
Lady Macbeth.The Ghost exits,
unseen by Macbeth as he leaves.

LADY MACBETH
What Ghost?You're imagining things again!Just like that dagger you thought you saw!

Macbeth turns back to look at the table, and
finds the Ghost is gone!

MACBETH
You're right!He's gone!

LADY MACBETH
He was never there!You imagined it!

Macbeth goes back to address his guests.

MACBETH
I'm sorry, my friends.I was distracted.What was
I saying?

ROSS
You were saying you
wished your cousin Banquo
was here to dine with us.

MACBETH
Did I say that?

LORDS
Yes!Yes, you did!

MACBETH
If I said it, I must
have meant it.I wish Banquo
was here!

Banquo re-enters, and takes the vacant seat
at the table.Macbeth sees this,
and quakes with terror again.He
starts to weep silently in fear and frustration.

LADY MACBETH
Please, your Lordships,
forgive my husband.He has
these minor little fits from time to time, but it's nothing.Lots of kings have it, from all that royal in-breeding.I know how to bring him to his senses.

The Ghost exits as Lady Macbeth goes to her
husband and slaps him.

LADY MACBETH
What's the matter with
you?

MACBETH
I'm sorry.

LADY MACBETH
I thought you said you
didn't see the Ghost!

MACBETH
I didn't!But then he came back!

LADY MACBETH
When?

MACBETH
When I said I wished
Banquo was here.

Accepting the invitation, Banquo enters
again.Macbeth has had enough.He turns and screams at the Ghost.

MACBETH
What do you want from
me????

BANQUO'S GHOST
I want my haggis!

The Ghost takes a bowl out of the folds of
his costume.Macbeth grabs the
bowl and fills it with haggis.

MACBETH
Here!Here!Take your haggis and
go!

The Ghost takes the bowl of haggis and exits,
licking his lips with anticipation.

ROSS
Who is he talking to?

LADY MACBETH
He's getting worse and
worse!I'm sorry, but I
must ask
you all to leave.

Macbeth starts to exit, but Lady Macbeth
grabs him.

LADY MACBETH
Not you!!!

The guests begin to leave.

LENNOX
Good night, and better
health attend his Majesty.

LADY MACBETH
A good night to you all.

Everyone exits except for Macbeth and Lady
Macbeth.

LADY MACBETH
I hope you realize you
ruined our party!

MACBETH
It wasn't me!It was the Ghost!

LADY MACBETH
I didn't see any Ghost!You know what your
problem is?You
don't get enough sleep!

MACBETH
I want to sleep, but I
have bad dreams.

LADY MACBETH
You think I don't have
bad dreams too?I have
horrible
nightmares!But I don't let them
keep me
awake, because I know you need a well-rested
Queen. But you stay awake because you only
think of yourself!

MACBETH
Tomorrow I'm going to go
to the weird sisters.More
shall
they speak.For now I am bent to
know by the worst means, the worst.I
am in
blood stepped so far that, should I wade no more,
returning were as
tedious as go o'er.

Macbeth and Lady Macbeth exit.

*********************************************************

Scene 5

In most published editions of MACBETH, ACT
III, Scene 5 is a short scene in which Hecate scolds the Three Witches.However, many (if not most) scholars have strong doubts that
this scene was written by Shakespeare.I
have my own doubts, and I have decided not to include that scene in my parody.Accordingly, although the scene that follows below is Scene 5 in
"Scots On The Rocks," it is based on Scene 6 in most published
editions of MACBETH.

Somewhere in Scotland (the location doesn't
really matter), Lennox enters with another Lord.

LENNOX
I say things have been
strangely borne.First
Duncan was
killed, and now our new King blames
Duncan's sons, for they fled.Next, Banquo was
killed.I suppose our King will blame Banquo's
son Fleance, for Fleance fled.Have you heard
any news of Macduff.He was not at the feast
where the King acted so strangely.

LORD
Macduff has gone to
England, to join Malcolm in
raising an army.

LENNOX
Our new King will not
like that.I hope Macduff
returns soon, and safely.

LORD
I'll send my prayers
with him.

They exit.

*********************************************************

ACT IV

Scene
1

At the Heath where Macbeth first met the
three Witches, the Witches are putting ingredients into a large cauldron.The cauldron should either be large enough to contain an actor, or else
it should have a hole in the back so that one of the Witches can stick her arm
through it.The reason for this
is that sock puppets will come out of the cauldron later as apparitions.The sock puppets may either be worn by one of the Witches or by someone
hidden in the Cauldron.

WITCH-WITCH
Round about the cauldron
go;
In the poisoned entrails
throw.
Toad that under cold
stone
Days and nights has
thirty-one.
Sweltered venom,
sleeping got,
Boil
thou first in the charmed pot.

She throws ingredients into the cauldron.All three Witches begin to sing.

SPELL-WITCH
(singing)
Fillet
of a fenny snake
In
the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye
of newt and toe of frog,
Wool
of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder's
fork and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's
leg and owlet's wing,
For
a charm of powerful trouble,
Like
a hell-broth, boil and bubble!

WEIRD WITCH
(singing)
Add
a splash of herbal tea,
Dandruff
from a chimpanzee,
Next
mix in some rancid fat,
Furball
from my kitty cat!
Nostrils
of an aged bear,
King
Lear's dirty underwear!
Whatever
this is, I forgot!
Throw
it all inside the pot!

MACBETH
Don't you start.If you start with the names, I'm
going home!I'm going back to Glamis and I won't
be King any more!

LADY MACBETH
All right!

Lady Macbeth turns to the Witches and
addresses them very politely.

LADY MACBETH
My husband was hoping
you could give him some
information.

WITCH-WITCH
Speak!

SPELL-WITCH
Demand!

WEIRD-WITCH
We'll answer!

MACBETH
All right!Can you tell me if this story is going to
have a happy
ending.

WITCH-WITCH
Oh yes!

SPELL-WITCH
Very happy!

WEIRD-WITCH
We'll be simply
delighted!

MACBETH
Not happy for you!Happy for me!

WITCH-WITCH
Oh.

WEIRD-WITCH
For that, you'd better
ask the spirits of the
cauldron!

The Witches hover around the cauldron, and a
sock puppet soldier emerges as the FIRST APPARITION.It can be on the hand of one of the Witches or someone in the cauldron.The Apparition speaks in a high, squeaky voice.One of the Witches can do the voice of the Apparition out of the corner
of her mouth like a very bad ventriloquist.

FIRST APPARITION
Macbeth!Macbeth!Macbeth!Beware Macduff!Beware the Thane of Fife.

LADY MACBETH
Why should he beware of
Macduff?

FIRST APPARITION
Macduff's going to kick
his butt.

LADY MACBETH
Him and what army?

FIRST APPARITION
The English army!They're all going to kick his
butt!

LADY MACBETH
I'd like to see them
try!Bring them on!Do you
think that scares a mighty warrior like my husband!

Lady Macbeth leans in closer to the First
Apparition and speaks to it privately.

LADY MACBETH
This army you're talking
about, they're not going
to kick my butt, are they?

FIRST APPARITION
No.Not your butt.

The First Apparition disappears back into the
cauldron.A SECOND APPARITION
takes its place.This one is a
sock puppet of a child.

WITCH-WITCH
Here's another, more
potent than the first!

This sock puppet also speaks in a high,
squeaky voice.

SECOND APPARITION
Macbeth!Macbeth!Macbeth!Be bloody, bold
and resolute.Laugh
to scorn the power of man,
for none of woman born shall harm Macbeth!

Lady Macbeth turns triumphantly to her
husband.

LADY MACBETH
See?You don't have a thing to worry about!

The second apparition disappears back into
the cauldron, and is replaced by a THIRD APPARITION.This one is a sock puppet of a child wearing a crown, and holding a
tree in its hand.Like the
others, it speaks with a high squeaky voice.

THIRD APPARITION
Macbeth shall never
vanquished be, until Great
Birnam Wood comes to Dunsinane Hill.

MACBETH
Who's acting?I'm going to kill Macduff's wife
and his kids and his servants, and
anyone else
who is in his castle.I'll
kill everybody.No more
boasting
like a fool!This deed I'll do
before this
purpose cool.

*********************************************************

Scene 2

In Macduff's castle, LADY MACDUFF enters with
ROSS.They are followed by
Macduff's SON, who has his back to the audience for now.Lady Macduff is a very stately, proper woman.

LADY MACDUFF
What had he done to make
him fly the land?

ROSS
You must have patience,
madam.

LADY MACDUFF
He had none.His flight was madness!To leave
his wife and children - to run off to England!If
he wanted to fight the new King, why not say and
do it here?

ROSS
You husband is noble,
wise, judicious.He is doing
what
he thinks is best.

LADY MACDUFF
As far as I am
concerned, my husband is dead!

ROSS
He loves you and will
return.But now I must take
my
leave.

Ross exits.Lady Macduff gazes sadly at her son.

LADY MACDUFF
Poor boy.Your father's dead.And
what will you
do now?

Her son turns, so that the audience can see
his face.Although he is only
seven years old, he has a black greasepaint mustache and smokes a cigar.

SON
When do I get my
inheritance?

LADY MACDUFF
How will you live?

SON
If I sell the castle and
all the land and all the serfs,
I should do pretty well.

LADY MACDUFF
What about me?

SON
Well, I don't think I
can get more than a few shekels
for you, but every penny helps.

LADY MACDUFF
Would you sell your own
mother?

SON
Whose mother should I
sell?I'm sorry, but you're
the
only mother I've got.Believe me,
I'm sorry.But not as sorry as
you.You're the sorriest mother
I've ever seen.

LADY MACDUFF
You're just like your
father!Your father was a
traitor!

SON
What's a traitor?

LADY MACDUFF
Why, one that swears and
lies.

SON
Do all traitors swear
and lie?

LADY MACDUFF
Every one that does so
is a traitor and must be
hanged!

SON
Who must hang them?

LADY MACDUFF
Why, the honest men.

SON
Then the liars and
swearers are fools, for there are
liars and swearers enough to beat the honest
men
and hang them.

LADY MACDUFF
God help thee, poor
monkey!

SON
Forget the sweet talk,
Mom.You're still being sold.

Enter the Three Murderers who killed Banquo.

FIRST MURDERER
Where's Macduff?

SON
He's dead.Where are you?

SECOND MURDERER
We're right here!

SON
Well, if you're ever by
the moat, drop in and say
hello.

THIRD MURDERER
Oh, a wise guy!Listen, we're here from the King!

FIRST MURDERER
So if anyone's going to
make wisecracks, it's us!

SECOND MURDERER
If you want to talk,
limit yourself to straight lines.

SON
In that case, I think
I'll just say, "Macbeth" and get
it over with.

THIRD MURDERER
What, you egg!

SECOND MURDERER
Young fry of treason!

FIRST MURDERER
The yolk's on you!

All three murderers take out their swords and
stab Macduff's son.

SON
They have killed me,
mother!And about time, too!

He dies.Lady Macduff runs off stage screaming!

LADY MACDUFF
Help!Macbeth's men murdered my son!

The three murderers follow her off stage.

*********************************************************

Scene 3

On a field in England, Malcolm enters with
Macduff.

MALCOLM
Let us seek out some
desolate shade.

MACDUFF
You must rid us of this
devil who wears your
crown.

MALCOLM
But how do I know you're
not his spy?

MACDUFF
I give you my word!

MALCOLM
Why should I trust the
word of a spy?

MACDUFF
I'm not a spy!

MALCOLM
You wouldn't be a very
good spy if you didn't say
you weren't a spy, would you?

MACDUFF
Think of Scotland!Your country needs you!

MALCOLM
If I were King, what
would you do for me?

MACDUFF
Whatever you wanted!

MALCOLM
Would you get me toys?

MACDUFF
If you wanted toys.

MALCOLM
Could I have all the
toys in Scotland?

MACDUFF
That's a lot of toys.

MALCOLM
Do you want me to be
King, or don't you?

MACDUFF
All right!You'll have all the toys in Scotland!

MALCOLM
What about all the candy?

MACDUFF
You can't want all the candy!!!

MALCOLM
Why not?

MACDUFF
You couldn't possibly
eat it all!

MALCOLM
I want it!I want all the toys and all the candy!

MACDUFF
All right!Anything else?

MALCOLM
All the girlfriends.

This is too much for Macduff.He draws his sword and chases Malcolm around the stage.

MACDUFF
You're not going to get
any toys, or any candy,
or any girlfriends!!!

MALCOLM
Stop it!Stop it!Can't
you take a joke!

Macduff stops chasing Malcolm.He puts his sword back in its sheath.

MACDUFF
A joke!You were testing me, weren't you?You
wanted to make certain I really did have Scotland's
best
interests at heart, didn't you?

MALCOLM
Yes, I did!It was all just a big, silly joke!

MACDUFF
I beg your forgiveness.I never should have doubted
you, my worthy King.

MALCOLM
Does that mean I can
have the toys?

Macduff starts to draw his sword again, but
before he can, Ross enters.

This scene takes place in a room in Macbeth's
castle at Dunsinane.There is a
bucket of water on a table.A
small dish is next to the bucket.Enter
a DOCTOR and a GENTLEWOMAN.They
speak softly to each other.

DOCTOR
I have two nights
watched with you, and I still
haven't seen her sleepwalking.

GENTLEWOMAN
Be patient.

Enter Lady Macbeth, sleepwalking.She goes to the table.

GENTLEWOMAN
Lo, here she comes!

Lady Macbeth takes the dish and dips it into
the bucket so that the dish is filled with water.Then she puts the dish down on the table, and dips her hands into them.She takes out her wet hands and rubs them together.

DOCTOR
What is she doing?

GENTLEWOMAN
Washing her hands.I have known her to continue
it for a quarter of an hour!

Enter Macbeth.

MACBETH
Hey, what's going on?

DOCTOR
Pray, be silent your
Majesty!

MACBETH
Why?

DOCTOR
The Queen is walking in
her sleep.It is most
dangerous
to wake one who is sleepwalking!

Lady Macbeth seems to notice a spot on her
hands.

LADY MACBETH
Yet here's a spot.

MACBETH
What's she doing?

GENTLEWOMAN
Washing her hands.

LADY MACBETH
Out damned spot.Out, I say!

Lady Macbeth tosses the dish of water into
Macbeth's face.Then she fills
the bowl with fresh water from the bucket and washes her hands in it.

LADY MACBETH
How can you try to back
out now?Do dare you
call
yourself a man?Yet who would
have thought
the old man had so much blood in him.

Once again Lady Macbeth tosses out the water
from the dish into Macbeth's face.He
decides to move.

MACBETH
I think I'll stand over
here.

Macbeth moves to the other side of Lady
Macbeth.She fills her dish with
fresh water, and washes her hands in it.

LADY MACBETH
The Thane of Fife had a
wife.Where is she now?Will these hands never be clean?

She tosses the water from the dish into
Macbeth's face, even though he has changed his location.Macbeth questions the doctor.

MACBETH
Are you sure she's
asleep?

DOCTOR
Certainly!It's a classic case.

Lady Macduff fills the dish with water again.She dips her hands into the water, then lifts her hands out of the bowl
and rubs them together.

LADY MACBETH
Here's the smell of
blood still!

While she is rubbing her hands together,
Macbeth takes the bowl and empties it back into the bucket.He replaces the empty bowl on the table.

LADY MACBETH
All the perfumes of
Arabia will not sweeten this
little hand.

She shakes the bowl so that if there had been
water in it, the water would have splashed in Macbeth's face.However, the dish was empty.Macbeth
laughs in triumph.Lady Macbeth
seems to hear something offstage.

LADY MACBETH
There's knocking at the
gate!Quick!Clean yourself
of this deed!

She picks up the entire bucket and tosses the
water on Macbeth.

LADY MACBETH
What's done cannot be
undone!To bed!To bed!

She puts down the bucket and exits.The Doctor goes over to Macbeth.As they speak, the Gentlewoman begins mopping up the floor.

DOCTOR
I wish you hadn't been
here to see that.

MACBETH
You and me both.

DOCTOR
Her mind is infected.

MACBETH
Can you cure her?

DOCTOR
I'll try, but she needs
the divine more than the
physician.I'll
still keep my eyes upon her.So,
good night.

The Doctor exits in the same direction that
Lady Macbeth went in when she left.

GENTLEWOMAN
Good night, good doctor.

Exit the Gentlewoman and Macbeth.

*********************************************************

Scene 2

On a field near Dunsinane, Scottish soldiers
meet to plan how to join with the English forces to attack Macbeth.They include MENTIETH, CAITHNESS, ANGUS, Lennox, and other
SOLDIERS.

MENTIETH
The English power is
near, led on by Malcolm.

ANGUS
Near Birnam Wood shall
we meet them.That
way are they
coming.

MENTIETH
What does the tyrant?

CAITHNESS
He fortifies his castle
at Dunsinane.Some say he's
mad. Others that lesser hate him do call it valiant
fury.

ANGUS
Now does he feel his
title hang loose about him, like
a giant's robe upon a dwarfish thief.

LENNOX
Make we our march
towards Birnam!

Everyone exits.

*********************************************************

Scene 3

In Macbeth's castle in Dunsinane, Macbeth
enters with the Doctor and SEYTON.Macbeth
speaks to SEYTON.

MACBETH
Bring me no more
reports.The weird sisters said
I
didn't have to worry until Birnam Wood came to
Dunsinane.They also said no one born of woman
would harm me.So what do I have to be afraid of?What?

A SERVANT runs in.

SERVANT
Ten thousand English and
Scottish soldiers are
marching on Dunsinane, my Lord.

The Servant bows and runs off.

MACBETH
Does anyone think I'm
afraid of a mere ten thousand
soldiers?

The Servant runs in with a new report.

SERVANT
Five thousand French
soldiers have landed on our
shores!They're
joining the English and Scottish
soldiers.

The Servant runs out.

MACBETH
Does anyone think I'm
afraid?I'm not afraid!

The Servant runs back in with a piece of
paper.He consults the paper as
he reports to Macbeth.

SERVANT
The English, Scottish
and French soldiers have
been joined by five thousand Italians three thousand
Russians and a thousand Moors.

MACBETH
More what?

SERVANT
Moor soldiers.

MACBETH
I know they're more
soldiers.What's their
nationality?

SERVANT
They're Moors!Like Othello!

MACBETH
How many soldiers in all
are coming against us?

SERVANT
Twenty-four thousand.

MACBETH
How many have we got on
our side?

SERVANT
Only six.

MACBETH
Just six thousand?

SERVANT
No, just six soldiers.Everyone else deserted.

MACBETH
Well, I'm still not
afraid because Birnam Wood
hasn't come to Dunsinane and because I can only
be
harmed by someone who isn't of woman born.
Seyton, go get my armor!

Seyton exits.Macbeth turns to the Doctor.

MACBETH
How's my wife?

DOCTOR
She's troubled.

MACBETH
Can't you un-trouble
her?

DOCTOR
No.She has to do that herself.

MACBETH
Then can you rid me of
these enemy soldiers?

DOCTOR
No.You have to do that yourself.

MACBETH
What can you do?

DOCTOR
I can hand you my bill.I'd be grateful if you'd pay
it before the enemy soldiers get here.

The Doctor hands Macbeth is bill and exits.Macbeth crumples up the bill and throws it to the floor.

MACBETH
I will not be afraid of
death and bane, till Birnam
Forest come to Dunsinane!

Exit Macbeth.

*********************************************************

Scene 4

In a field by Birnam Wood, Malcolm enters
with several soldiers including SIWARD, his son YOUNG SIWARD, Macduff,
Mentieth, Caithness, Angus, Lennox and Ross.

MALCOLM
What wood is this before
us?

MENTEITH
The wood of Birnam.

MALCOLM
Let every soldier cut
down a branch and carry it
before him as camouflage.

They all exit.

*********************************************************

Scene 5

In Macbeth's castle in Dunsinane, Macbeth
enters with Seyton.Macbeth is
now wearing armor.

MACBETH
Our castle's strength
will laugh a siege to scorn.

There is a cry of women from off stage.

MACBETH
What is that noise?

SEYTON
It is the cry of women,
my good lord.

Seyton exits to investigate.

MACBETH
I had almost forgot the
taste of fears.

There is a long pause while Macbeth looks
anxiously off stage.Seyton
returns.

SEYTON
The Queen, my lord, is
dead.

Two servants enter, carrying the body of the
Queen.It is the female version
of the Queen, as she was before she was un-sexed.The servants lay the body of the Queen before Macbeth.

SEYTON
She spoke your name and
died.

MACBETH
She should have died
hereafter; there would
have been a time for such a word.Tomorrow,
and tomorrow, and tomorrow creeps in this
petty pace from day
to day to the last syllable
of recorded time, and all our yesterdays have
lighted fools the way to dusty death.Out,
out,
brief candle!Life's but a
walking shadow, a poor
player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage
and then is heard no more.It is
a tale told by an
idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

Enter a MESSENGER.

MESSENGER
My lord, I was on my
watch, and I looked toward
Birnam, and the wood began to move!

MACBETH
Liar and slave!

MESSENGER
I swear it's true!A moving grove!

MACBETH
I begin to be aweary of
the sun.Blow wind, come
wrack,
at least we'll die with harness on our back!

Everyone exits.

*********************************************************

Scene 6

On a field in front of Macbeth's castle in
Dunsinane, Malcolm enters, carrying a bough of a tree.He shouts to his soldiers off stage.

MALCOLM
Your leafy screens throw
down and show like those you are!

Malcolm throws down his branch.His soldiers enter behind him (including Siward, Young Siward,
Macduff, Mentieth, Caithness, Angus, Lennox and Ross) and they all cross the
stage and exit.

*********************************************************

Scene 7

On another part of the field in front of
Macbeth's castle in Dunsinane, Macbeth enters with his sword drawn.

MACBETH
What's he that was not
born of woman?Such a
one am I to
fear, or none.Nobody else!I'm not
afraid of anybody who's born of woman!

Enter Young Siward with his sword drawn.

YOUNG SIWARD
What is thy name?

MACBETH

Nice try, but I'm not
that stupid!

YOUNG SIWARD
Not stupid?Then you can't be the King!

MACBETH
I'm the King! I'm the King!

YOUNG SIWARD
Then say your name!

MACBETH
"Your name."

YOUNG SIWARD
You coward!

MACBETH
If you're so brave, you
say it!

YOUNG SIWARD
All right!Macbeth!!!

They fight.Young Siward is slain.

MACBETH
Thou wast born of woman.

Macbeth exits.Macduff enters and finds the body of Young Siward.

MACDUFF
Tyrant, show thy face!

Macduff exits, in search of Macbeth.

*********************************************************

Scene 8

On another part of the in front of Macbeth's
castle in Dunsinane, Macbeth and Macduff both enter, with their backs to each
other.Macduff turns and sees
Macbeth.

MACDUFF
Turn, hellhound, turn!

MACBETH
There's no point in
fighting me because I have a
charmed life.I can't be hurt by anyone born of
woman!

MACDUFF
Despair thy charm, and
let the angel whom thou still
hast served tell thee, Macduff had a Cesarean
birth!

MACBETH
I don't care what your
nationality is, you're still born of
woman!

MACDUFF
The doctor cut my mother
open and ripped me out of
her womb!

MACBETH
That's not fair!

MACDUFF
My mother didn't like it
either.

MACBETH
Okay, so Birnam Wood has
come to Dunsinane,
and you're not of woman born!I'm still not giving
up.Lay
on, Macduff, and damned be him that first
cries, "Hold, enough."

They draw their swords and fight.

MACDUFF
You lay on, Mac-Bozo!

They fight some more.

MACDUFF
Lay on, Mac-big-butt!

They fight some more.

MACDUFF
Lay on, Beth!

MACBETH
Ha!You said it!

MACDUFF
Said what?

MACBETH
You said my name!

MACDUFF
No I didn't!

MACBETH
You did too!I heard you!

MACDUFF
I just said
"Beth."

MACBETH
No, you said my whole
name!

MACDUFF
You are such a liar!

MACBETH
You said it!!!I heard you say "Macbeth!"

Macduff smiles.Macbeth starts to sob as he realizes he is doomed.

The two soldiers fight their way off stage.

Enter Malcolm and his soldiers.After a moment, Macduff enters, with two soldiers following
him carrying a table.There's a
tablecloth on the table which goes all the way down to the floor.There's also a bag covering something on the table.Macduff kneels before Malcolm.

The
author grants all internet uses to print these scripts for their own,
personal, non-commercial use. No other use may be made without the
author's permission. Without limiting the foregoing, the plays may not
be staged without the author's express permission.