When you stop blaming the other person for what's wrong in a relationship, it's easy to start pointing the finger at yourself. But the key to success is to find a third position, where you take responsibility for your share of the problems in a constructive and caring way. Here's a guide:

Blaming the other

Blaming yourself

Taking personal responsibility

What you tell yourself

"He's such a jerk." "It's all his fault." "She's got no right to feel that way."

"It's all my fault. I'm no good. Things are hopeless."

"I'll try to identify the errors I've made so I can learn from them and take steps to help resolve the conflict."

How you feel

Angry, resentful, irritated, frustrated, hurt

Guilty, ashamed, inferior, anxious, hopeless

Conscientious, curious (mixed with a healthy sadness and concern), and, if appropriate, remorseful

How you communicate

You argue, insisting he or she is wrong.

You withdraw and refuse to engage your partner.

You listen and try to find some truth in your partner's point of view. You share your feelings with tact and respect.