Monday, December 22, 2014

The Struggle - May Be Triggering

The scale: One of the scariest things I can think of right now. The numbers go up, the numbers go down, the numbers stay the same..... Numbers, numbers, numbers.

Food: the next scariest thing I can think of. Last week, I went 2 days without eating anything. I drank some milk, but mainly just water. I just didn't feel like eating. I wasn't hungry. My stomach wasn't growling. I had no desire to get up and get food.

Today marks 2 weeks of my dads passing. I've called my mother twice. The first time was to ask for some of my dads ashes. She told me the she "didn't know. That she would have to seriously think about it." Talk about a slap in the face! My parents and I have never really gotten along. I mean, the last time I saw them before the hospital was in 2012. In court.

The second time I called her was last Tuesday. One day after the one week mark. I called to check on her. She told me to never call her again. I was stunned, to say the least. I busted out in tears and had a panic attack. A bad one. A two Xanax one.

Having to deal with everything going on in my life, then my dad dying, then my mom acting the way she is...... I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do anymore.

My depression is at an all time high. I don't want to do anything. Ever. It takes everything out of me the three days I have doctors appointments every week. I would honestly love to just sit on my couch, look out my sliding glass door, alone & cry. All day. I don't even remember the last time I put on make up.

I'm anxious all of the time. Jumpy as hell, (like my cat jumping down from the fridge makes me panic)

Ana, stupid anorexia, is constantly yelling at me. "Not good enough!" "If you were thinner your dad would have loved you!" "That's going to make you fat, stupid!" "If you eat that, you'll regret it!"
Constantly. All day.
Then, when I am able to eat, the only thing I want to do is get the food out of me! (Which I can't because that's when hubs is home.)