I had a nostalgic moment yesterday's afternoon. It was drizzling accompanied by series of thunders and lightnings, and I was sitting by my room window reading a book on negotiations in the dim room. My laptop was running because I was waiting for the thunders to calm so I could turn back on the internet, but my mind was fidgeting because I was reading manga online and was loading some outdated anime. I somehow managed to tame my mind to focus on reading.

As I turned the pages in the somewhat dark room and listening to the gentle pattering of the raindrops onto my window, my soul found some answers to life from the book. As I finished reading pages by pages, I realised how important motivation to life is. I closed my eyes and rest for a moment, and then look out to the rain, and ponder. The darkness, the rain rhythm, the laptop running with manga and anime travelled me back to my college days. I compared my life during that time and now.

Are there any differences between then and now? Yes, there were. It was motivation. I remember how much I cried in the dorm room or how long my prayers were, and it's all for excelling in my subjects and getting As for my assignment. I was focused to excel in the environmental field when I was still a student. Like the author of the book I was reading says to focus objectives on the minds eye. I did it unconsciously and I received degree with distinction.

And now ... I discovered I lost all motivation after reading the passage to do what I planned aeons and even to living. I closed the book temporarily and looked out to the window once more to ponder what I really want in life. I remember the last time I cried in such similar environment was back in June/July 2006 over an acquaintance's death, and I told myself I'd want to live a fulfilling life with no regrets. Am I keeping to my words? Obviously, no.

I tried to think hard of what would motivate me. I don't want to become a zombie anymore. I'm living but 'I'm not here.' I don't want to waste any more time.

If I know what I want, why ain't I chasing it?

Am I just like what the author said? I'm afraid of success? Or I'm afraid of the pain that I need to endure to achieve the success I dream of? Or I would rather be forever 'chasing' after the dream verbally so I would have something to occupy myself with until the day I die? In office terms, it is called 'pretending to be busy.'

Where do I stand? What am I? I never wavered from my decisions, so why am I now so easily to be convinced to detract from my original plans? I can't believe I could even let my vocal teacher to convince me not to polish my singing skills, just because she thinks the world doesn't need another singer.

I keep on encouraging people to take action, while I realise I'm just waiting for some miracles to happen to my life, where the ratio is 1 in a million. And yet, I wish to wish on a shooting star.

I don't think I'm having mid-life crisis, but more of identity and dream crisis. Because I'm not given a chance to discover who I am. Because I'm pressured silently to be rich at my age in people's eye without taking into account of what I really want. I'm just following the waves... where was me who used to say I would create the waves if there's no wave to be seen?

The perfect cliche word to end this entry would be 'there's light at the end of the terminal.' Another one would be it's never too late to take action.

I finally know how it is like to faint. I thought it was easy to pretend fainting, but it is not. Because consciously you know what you are going to do. If you are fainting, you don't know what is happening next.

I was surprised to find myself lying on my room floor. I found myself cluthing to my chest as I tried to wake up from the floor. I struggled to get up, as I felt pain shot through my chest when I fought to breathe. The left side of my chest is in pain every time I inhale and exhale. I didn't know how I fainted and how long I have fainted.

I remembered squatting on the ground because I was playing scrabble with myself. I rose slowly a few times because I wanted to check for some words on my laptop on the table. I have rose twice so I didn't expect the third time was so painful, as I felt my whole world spinning. I remembered leaning on my cupboard for support and then the next minute I dropped to the ground. I have no remembrance whatsoever what happen. I was on the floor... My mind drifted back with darkness, and I could hear myself screaming 'wake up' as I wriggled on the floor fighting to get up. As I gained consciouseness, my right hand cluthed to my chest, and my head was near to the base of my clothes hanger. I made 3 attempts to get up and I stared blankly at my uncompleted scrabble game. I tried slowly to gather my thoughts by first looking at my outfit. I just got back from jogging and was still in my sports outfit ... then I climbed to a sitting position. I looked around for other hints but my left temple hurts so is my chest. I must have hit my temple on my clothes hanger. Then I started to remember I tried to get up to look at my laptop.

I lost time of how long I stayed on the floor, and I spent many minutes sitting on the ground to gain strength. I could not imagine staying on the ground without people discovering me. My room door was open, but it is useless to hope my father would see me lying on the ground, because he is living in his own world - would appreciate if you don't say anything about me not understanding my father because he is not your father. I don't think my sister would notice anything wrong with me lying on the ground because I'm well-known to be able to sleep anywhere in any position.

One of my colleagues was found dead in his apartment last year. He died of brain injury; I could not imagine him dropping to the ground and not knowing what happened ...

First, I didn't win the award offered by my company just because my team and I submitted under the wrong category despite explaining flawlessly why we submitted under the category. We were told our application was not even read just because the title indicated the wrong category.

Never mind, I was excited to see in my bank account how much of increment I get. But it was demotivating again because I didn't get any increment while my other colleagues got it. I didn't even get a dollar of increment. How demotivating it is when I saw the salary amount deposited in my bank account was the same as previous months.

I feel like crying out loud "F****. I don't feel like going to work anymore.

You know what? I never asked god to be pretty. I never asked god to have guys falling for me. I never asked god to make me to some guy's fantasy. And yet, god has given me a beautiful face. For all my life, I have many guys falling for me, and I never even care or never even had a boyfriend. I simply don't care about my love life.

Why am I saying all this thing all of a sudden? Because I recently feel violated since Wednesday night. A male friend of mine invited me and another female friend for a cultural performance. And after the performance, we went for dinner. The three of us were sitting cozily at the corner of the restaurant, and chatting away with politics and cultural topics. And I don't recall how did we jump into the topic of sex. This male friend I know have always like me since 2008, and he even proposed me marriage several times. It's like every time we meet up, he will propose to me, and I decline as always. And he will always comment back that I 'jual mahal' (jual mahal is often used for girls who are picky in selecting boyfriend. It's a Malay phrase).

I never like to discuss about my love life. I never like to talk about why I'm not having boyfriend. I'm not like those girls who thinks she must have a boyfriend for whatever reasons.

Anyways, I don't know why this male friend suddenly talking about sex topic. And he was telling my friend who is the youngest among us that female has nine places of weaknesses. Because of this 'knowledge', he can drive any girls crazy about him. Well, I was not impressed so was she. She was answering back that people can resist temptation, so why would she be crazy? But his reply was disturbing. Just read the conversation we had:

Guy: You know girls have nine places of weaknesses... that guys can drive them crazy about them.
She: Huh??? Can?
Guy: Yea can ... like caressing her arm ... (he demonstrated on my arm)
She: Oh?
Renaye: (busy eating her pizza)
Guy: You know I can make any girls like you all go crazy...
She: (thinking pause) No ... I definitely can resist...
Guy: You definitely cannot because I know your weaknesses that can make you go crazy about me ... Another place is the knee...
She: Huh???
Renaye: (feeling disturbed but hidden in her chewing)
Guy: I definitely can make her go crazy, but I won't ... (fishy smiling)
Renaye: ...
Guy: Yea ... I can make her go crazy about me ....
Renaye: Are you not late for your meeting now?
Guy: Yea ... but never mind ...

We continue eating, but he still talked about making girls go crazy about him until ... he left our table for the subway.

Guy: Yea I can make girls go crazy about me ...
She: But why would I be crazy?!
Guy: No ... I would be able to make her go crazy ...
She: No ... I won't go crazy ...
Guy: But I would definitely be able to make her go crazy about me .. but I just won't do it ...

Did you know who the 'her' he was referring to? It was me. The way he said it... the way he emphasised the 'her' ... the way he said 'i would make her go crazy about me' while pointing at me... I feel so violated ....

I'm feeling even worse now than the time I was molested by my senior. The eyes .. the gesture .. the body language while directing that sentence to me... I have never felt such violation.

I'm taking it as verbal sexual harassment. Actions can be taken in working place, but among friends. Can it be done? I have told him from time to time that I'm not comfortable with this kind of topic, and have politely say several times to respect me and my love life decisions, but he would just say "I say whatever I like and whenever I want."

I actually never feel what I'm feeling now when we were in the restaurant ... I only reflected on it since yesterday and felt awful now... My friend who was with us would definitely say to forget it ... but if a serial killer has targeted you, would you be able to forget it? That is the feeling I'm experiencing now - being targeted. He is definitely not going to rape me whatsoever, but I was targeted in the whole conversation. Do you really know how I feel? It's disturbing. It's violating. It's offensive. I have been offensively teased.

That is why I have said many times that money is much better than men. Now you know why. And so what if men are more educated? Do you think some men will behave like what we expect to think? It's a wishful thinking, because this guy is a lawyer.