Tuesday, 11 April 2017

Beero Quest, or Heroic Brew

It
all started with being sent a mysterious video about how great
the board game Hero Quest is, and my admission that I probably still
had the game at my parents’ house. I’d begged for it one
Christmas, and surprisingly received it among my booty that year. I
say surprisingly because the year before I’d begged for Dingbats,
and received Blockbusters. Only a few weeks ago I saw Dingbats in a
local charity shop for £2, “certified complete”. I bought it,
and when it came time to play, it turned out it wasn’t complete.
The original board had been replaced with a Scrabble board. Having no
idea what the board was supposed to be like, we had to make up our
own rules. And it turned out to be shit.

Anyway,
back to Hero Quest; I never actually got to play it. All I really did
was photocopy the blank level template and create hundreds (artistic
licence applied for) of my own solid quests. I was hoping they would
still be in the box when my parents got it down from the loft (which
is where it was sure to be), but alas there was only one; “The
Treasure of Shortakan”. Perhaps we would get around to playing that
one.

Also
missing from the box were the four combat dice, but that was quickly
remedied because I spotted it early and got my parents to find them
well before the date of the game. They called to say they’d found
it. At which point I told them there were supposed to be four. They
found the other three.

Also
missing were three standard dice, but that was quickly remedied by
raiding three other games from the spare room. You may be wondering
why it was necessary to raid three games when, given that most games
come with two dice, I should have been able to get a third from a
second game… well, that’s how I roll. Oh dear.

Being
that David from the Standard Supermarket Blended Scotch Test
would be one of the participants, I invited him to share the burden
of seeking out beers from the various supermarkets. I took
Sainsburys, Aldi, Lidl and Morrisons while he took Asda, Tesco, Co-op
and M&S. We set out some rules which were:

They have to be own-brand beers.

That’s pretty self-explanatory. Ideally the name of the
supermarket needs to be on the packaging, whether it is front and
centre on the label, or just states “brewed and bottled for…”
in tiny writing on the back. Nevertheless certain representatives of
the budget supermarkets don’t quite adhere to this rule. Galahad
Export for example, states nothing of the kind, but it is
available exclusively through Aldi and everyone knows it’s an Aldi
beer. So you’re not getting out of this one so easily, Galahad.

They ideally should be cans that are available as 4-packs.

The thinking behind this one was that I was skint and needed to pick
up some cheap beers that I could dip into in the weeks leading up to
the challenge, such that there would be a can or two left over with
which to carry out the test. It also seemed the most utilitarian way
of making sure we bought beers that were roughly in the same
category. There are so many own brand beers these days that it
nevertheless seemed likely some leeway would have to be allowed here.
As you’ll see, Co-op and M&S couldn’t fulfil the can
criteria, so David took an executive decision and got some bottles –
M&S’ Italian lager came in a 4-pack of bottles, while [I think]
Co-Op’s Czech lager were individuals. You’ll see in the next
point how these Czech ones were acceptable.

Don’t get anything below 4%.

It’s a personal rule of mine (only occasionally broken – say, for
output from a favourite brewery, or sheer desperation for something
distinct) that I never buy beer that clocks up less than 4
ABVs. The reason for that goes back to the time at the Bearded
Theory festival that I drank Carlsberg all day, from breakfast,
and didn’t even register a slight buzz. I concluded at that point
that there’s no point in drinking sub-four-percent beers. They’re
basically the equivalent of celery, which is famously the food that
takes more energy to eat than you get from eating it. Beers that are
weaker than 4 percent make you lose in urine more alcohol than you
can possibly absorb by drinking them.

Another reason for this rule was to make sure David didn’t buy the
super shit 2% beers that so many supermarkets include in their range.
He likes to take things to extremes and would happily have done so –
perhaps so that he would have been able to drive home afterwards.

On my first visit to Morrison’s I actually found that, while they
do a standard 4% lager, they also do a “premium” 4.8% lager.
That’s more akin to the Holsten Pils and various other “premium”
lagers I’ve been known to drink from time to time anyway, so I
decided we should get those wherever possible. It also turned out
that when I went back to Sainsburys, expecting to pick up their
standard 4% lager, they did a premium one too, that was also 4.8%.

Going back to that Czech lager from Co-op then, the point is that
Czech lagers are precisely representative of the type of beer that
we’re trying to test the supermarkets on here. And that’s why it
was acceptable.

Right,
shall we see who our contenders are and what we thought of them?
David left me his notes, so I’ll quote directly from those if
necessary…

Uninspired
packaging, in keeping with supermarket beers in general .This one
comprises a plain grey can with an unobtrusive design that is
reminiscent of barley and presumably hops.

David
says: refreshing, flat and sweet.

I
say: unremarkable. I failed to make any notes, so I’m working from
memory and re-tastes of beers that were left over. While
unremarkable, you have to admit that most branded beers of this genre
are unremarkable also – Kronenbourg, Stella etc. So all you have to
do is refrigerate it sufficiently… and get it down yer neck.

A
red and silver can, worked into a kind of rosette shape and capped
off with a fleur de lys.

David
says: soda water with a mellow fruit flavour; sweet but not nice.

I
say: while there are subtle but definite differences between this and
the previous beer, and indeed between this and the next, one’s
perception of that difference fades after the second sip so, if it’s
cold enough, you can just get it down you and you’re well on your
way.

David
says: has a dull flavour which it soon loses, leaving only fizz.

I
say: David has provided a fair assessment. At 4% it is disadvantaged
next to the others in the test (with the exception of the next one),
but at this price – and at the right temperature, of course –
there’s no reason you can’t enjoy this, guilt-free.

A
blue and white can with red and silver trim and a silver action shot
of a knight.

David
says: very fizzy and retains its head. He also says something about
summer pubs and wasps, but I can’t fathom what he means by that.
We were inside at night time and there definitely weren’t any
wasps… perhaps he is alluding to a turn the conversation took at
this point.

I
say: Excelsior is perfectly acceptable. Again, a great price and
meets the minimum 4%. Easily preferable to Fosters, Carling or
Carlsberg as well as various others.

A
different approach to graphic design marks out this one. You have a
mountain image and the bold claim that it is made with pure Italian
Alps mountain water.

David
says: nice, bitter, smells like wine.

I
say: I distinctly remember almost being appalled by this one. It does
have a bitterness, but that is soon superceded by a cloying sweetness
that I found abhorrent. It’s a bit of a shame because I can see
from my Untappd log that I’ve tried two beers from this brewery
before – the 150 Anniversario Ambrara and 150
Anniversario Bionda, both of which I awarded 4 stars. For my
personal taste, every one of the other contestants in this experiment
are preferable to this one.

The
design of this label literally bores the shit out of me, so the only
way I could write anything about it was to say something dismissive
and crass. It is notable that, besides the varieties of Staropramen
(which include Premium, Dark, Granat, Unfiltered, Svetly, 3.5%,
Selection, Decko and Jedenactka), this brewery also makes
Sainsburys Czech Pilsner lager.

David
says: rich, fizzy, too eggy, dry.

I
say: This is probably one of the very best on offer here. It is a
standard premium, Czech-type lager, but what is particularly
remarkable about it is that, despite it being brewed by Staropramen,
I strongly prefer this to Staropramen itself. I used to like that
brand when it first hit these shores, but I soon noticed an unwelcome
bitterness which is thankfully notable by its absence in Co-op’s
offering.

So
is there an overall winner? Well, there isn’t really. As long as
you’re openminded enough to rise above your ingrained beer snobbery
(as you well should be by now), you have to accept that in every case
(except the M&S one, in my personal opinion), these beers are
perfectly acceptable for the price. Generally I do say the
stronger the better, but even the 4% ones are sufficient to give
you that buzz and, in spite of the price and volume variations
between these, they are all cheaper and better value than the brands
they emulate (or are cast off by) and really, in this genre of beer,
the heights to be reached aren’t that high anyway. Save yourself
some money and give them a go.

Thanks
to David for attending and keeping some notes – and providing some
of the beers, of course (and leaving some behind) – and to the
others for playing Hero Quest with us and providing some laughs. I’ll
try to think of another genre of drinking to investigate the next
time something like this happens and, as ever, I’ll keep you fully
informed.

Definitions

What happens when you zone out after having had a cheeky lunchtime pint.

Alcothusiast:

Not an alcoholic, someone who appreciates booze.

Anxiety, The:

The uneasy feeling that accompanies any noteworthy hangover.

Booze Buffet Mentality:

The propensity people have to go nuts whenever there's a free bar.

Booze Porn:Photos of alcohol.

Bread Chest:Not booze related, but this term describes the indigestion you get from eating too many bread products too quickly. Just putting it out there...

Crawler's Block:The inability to decide where to go next during a pub crawl - often resulting in crawl stagnation and someone saying, "shall we just have another one here?"

Crawl Stagnation:The result of failing to plan a pub crawl sufficiently - lack of a route, theme or over-familiarity with nearby pubs can all be contributing factors.

Excess Induced Alcohol Aversion:An intolerance for a drink caused (usually) by one occasion of overindulgence.

The Family:My whisky collection.

MOMA:

Moment of Maximum Appreciation. Every bottle has one. It's the time you drink it where you enjoy it most.

Old Man Pub:Traditional British pub, renowned for being quiet, cosy and frequented by old men. Much favoured by people who like a nice chat while they drink.Psychological Drinks Cabinet:Collective term relating to the kinds of alcoholic drinks a person has need for.Road Beers:

Cans of beer that you take with you when you go out, to consume on the way.

The 3 Types of Rum:White, gold and dark. Together they form the base of many a great cocktail.

About Me

Neil Cake is interested in all types of booze, but is by no means an authority or expert. Most of the time he's just trying to be funny, but he is learning, and enjoys sharing his adventures and what he learns on the Drink it How You Like it blog.
Thengyuverrymuuuuuch.