8 of Thoughts

Two hands work to combine beams of colored light into a
beautiful and enduring structure. A star shines above, representing
an ideal or goal to be strived for.

Communication is not just about speaking clearly and listening
attentively. Communication rests on a network of shared assumptions
and concepts. In most situations, a shared language and shared
culture are enough to provide an acceptable level of mutual
understanding, if both parties are sincere. In our intimate
relationships, though, we need more that this. We need shared models
of each other's personalities, we need a shared conception of the
meaning of the relationship, shared objectives, and a shared paradigm
of the communication process itself.

In short, we need a common thought structure. This is something
that does not emerge sponteously in a relationship. It must be built
up gradually, as the partners learn each other's ways of thinking and
expressing themselves. It is the product of countless episodes of
negotiation, rephrasing, and seeking out points of connection. Of
course, two people can never think exactly alike, and should not
attempt to. But an intimate relationship cannot thrive unless the
people involved at least have a shared vocabulary with which to
describe their differences, and a shared set of expectations about
how differences should be addressed and resolved.

Structures of all kinds, as necessary as they often are, carry
the danger of becoming rigid and static, trapping us into behaviors
that get us nowhere. This may happen with the 8 of Thoughts if the
structure created in not adequate for all the present realities in
the lives of those who built it. This can happen because people
change. It can also happen because the structure was too limited or
superficial to begin with, perhaps evading known sources of
contention or even a whole area of the relationship. Most of us have
probably known couples who can't seem to talk about money, for
example. Whatever shared assumptions they may have to allow them to
communicate about other subjects, those assumptions break down when
the problematic subject comes up. In cases like these, the thought
structure that is supposed to aid communication actually impedes it,
by presenting well-worn patterns of talking and listening that
deflect them away from the heart of things.

Our shared ways of thinking can be extraordinary gifts, if we
construct them with care and inspect their foundations
frequently.