Wednesday, December 7, 2011

On my side???

Yes, I'm terrible at keeping up with writing. Life at home keeps me plenty busy lately it seems with 4 kiddies and another on the way. But every once in awhile I can find a moment, like now, to spew out some of what's been on my mind lately. . . .

Needless to say, the holidays brings on the phone calls. Benevolent it seems just 'seeing how I'm doing', etc. but something doesn't sit right. When I get that uneasy feeling inside, I begin searching. Searching for answers. When browsing through some blogs, I came across this post from Soaring Dove. A couple of ideas she had really struck a chord with me and shed some light on some areas I've been struggling with regarding NFOO and those who enable. One was:

The Army of the Enablers blindside us when we are most vulnerable. We trust them to have our back and devastated to find out that they have stabbed us in the back. The Enablers echo out our same Battle cry that the Overt N's abuse is wrong and must come to an end, but when we are holding the Overt N accountable the Covert attack of the Army of Enablers begins with either overt or covert bullying, harassment, guilt tripping tactics in order to recruit us to join their Enabling Army that Specializes in Cheap Premature Forgiveness and supports the Overt N ruling the KoN.

The Enabling Army turns on us, and the focus is no longer the Overt N's Lack of Remorse and Desire to Hurt Others, but our Lack of Forgiveness, Acceptance, and Reconciliation with the Overt N. The Enabling Army say they have our best interest at heart while they are attacking our heart. We know the identity of the Overt N is pathological and evil, so we do not want any contact with the Overt N, but the Enabling Army can not and will not admit the Overt N is evil, because then what does that say about them?

Wow, this completely describes my enabling father and dare I say my brother, aunt, and anyone else who shows no concern for the hurt NM has done - only to shun , guilt me, lie to me/about me for separating myself from the toxic/destructive web of my narcissistic mother and sister. Yes, they will feign concern, wonder what's wrong, why am I so upset. But it's just a fake concern. They search only to gauge where I stand with NM, am I ready to submit, where that leaves them in the toxic web, and what can they take from the conversation to add to their appeasement arsenal when NM seems like she will attack them if they have contact with me. They will share bits of our conversation as an offering to the 'Narc God' (aka - NM) so she can add more gossip about me in her slander campaign and be pleased with them for being the messenger like the good puppet they are. *SIGH*

Which highlights another of Soaring Dove's points:

The Covert Illusion of the KoN is that the Enablers are fellow victims trapped in the N's KoN with lots of FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) preventing their escape. We project onto the Enablers that they would want to be rescued, but they don't because they are not captives looking to escape harm, but rather covert Ns who know the overt N needs a target and if it will not be us, then it will be them. Covert Ns are not like us, they are like the Overt Ns. Covert Ns do not want to escape the KoN, they don't want to leave Hell, but want us to return to Hell to serve their own self-interest of not being the Overt N's new target.

So reality has hit me like a ton of bricks. Aside from DH, my kids and my wonderful MIL & her hubby, I have no one else on my side. Blind to think I had one ally from my FOO. Like Soaring Dove said, and my heart now accepts - They don't want to be rescued!

Sometimes we have to stand alone to stop the cycle of dysfunction, division, emotional destruction - even if it's only for our own selves. There is no one else with enough of a backbone to expose the evil that is my mother. The legacy I leave my children will not be like the one I've inherited from my own family. So courageously I stand. . . on MY OWN side!

Love this bible verse!Titus 3 10-11:
10 Warn divisive people once, and then warn them a second time. After that, have nothing to do with them. 11 You may be sure that such people are warped and sinful; they are self-condemned.

(part 1)BrashWorld, thank you for further explaining what I was trying to express about the true nature & identity of the Enablers/Covert Ns.

Oh how I wish I could jump through this computer screen, and give ya a Huge Hug {{{BashWorld}}}. We are in a Time of Transition, which lasts for awhile to one degree or another. It all began when we each realized that we are in one big KoN, and people and things are not what they appear to be, and that no amount of trying, crying, and praying is going to change an unrepentant heart, so you must make the greatest life decision to remain in the KoN to one degree or another based on the amount of contact, or leave. Whether you decide to stay or leave it takes an enormous amount of strength. One type of strength to deal with the unrepentant Ns, and another type of strength to leave them. The Healthier Choice for emotional, physical, psychological, and spiritual reasons is to leave the KoN not only for our own well being, more importantly for the well being of our children, and for generations to come. Leaving the KoN is the Best Choice, and as we have discovered in Scripture, it is what GOD has told us to do when there are toxic unrepentant people in our life.

The Scripture you listed is one that the Holy Spirit brought to me as well in regards to the Enablers/Covert Ns. How many times do we try to break the N-chantment & Cloaking Spell of the Ns? How many times do we try to break the Illusion & Delusions that the Ns are "not that bad" and are toxic & dangerous to be around? How many times do we try to point out the harsh reality of the KoN, and expose all the lies? How many times do we try to rescue those left back in the KoN, and set the Captives Free? Well GOD tells us exactly how many times, via Titus 3: 10-11. People are either going to choose to see the harsh reality, or choose the Illusion of the KoN (It is like that Matrix Moment, Red Pill or Blue Pill, Truth or Delusion, many fear the Truth, the painful reality that the N does not love you & never has).

We must realize that there is one Savior for us all, and He loves each and everyone that He will not stop sending Messengers to those in the KoN to point out their environment is not only hurtful it is very harmful, toxic, and dangerous. By trusting GOD we sever the soul bounds that keep us tied to the KoN through a Savior Complex, or in my case a "Save Her Complex". It is not our job to rescue those who do not wish or desire to be rescued & free.

I rarely recommend reading a book that I first have not read cover to cover, but I have read one of the chapters of Dr. Henry Cloud's new book (same co-author of Boundaries) , Necessary Endings, at it intrigued me in the first two paragraphs. Here is a link to read one of his chapters. https://www.facebook.com/DrHenryCloud?sk=app_6009294086

He is a gifted writer that fully explains Necessary Endings, and exactly why ending toxic relationships are in fact necessary. This is a great present for self, for all we have endured in the KoN. I wish I could buy one for everyone who has N-countered a N and is either in a KoN or has left one. Dr. Cloud explains the difference of two types of Pain, applying what he said to the KoN, there is the pain of staying in the KoN, and there is a pain from leaving the KoN. Both pains are hurtful, however only one kind of pain is helpful, and that is the one that comes from leaving the KoN, and Necessary Endings. While leaving the KoN hurts, it more than helps, it is a Blessing opposed to staying in the KoN which is a Family/Generational Curse and is very harmful and destroys, and we don't realize how much of ourself is being damaged & destroyed until we leave the KoN, and start our Healing Process/Journey.

This quote from your post brought me to tears. It took me a long time to get angry at the enabler in my family, and then once I did, the feelings of betrayal were simply awful. I never thought of him as a covertN, but you know, that makes a lot of sense to me. It certainly explains why he was always so keen to chime in bashing other people with my N mother. I do think it is a lack of a spine on his part, but also, I think that he needs to feel "above" people nearly as much as the overt narcissist.

Ugh. I so didn't ask to be a part of their weird symbiotic relationship.

I'm glad you are standing on your own and breaking the cycle. Me too. My former therapist often told me I was courageous, but it was difficult for me to accept that praise. Now that I have found others who have dealt with narcissistic parents and I can clearly recognize their courage, I'm starting to be able to identify myself as a little brave too.

Thank you for sharing your story! People like me sure need to hear it to know that although we stand alone in our family of origin, we are not alone in our pain.

Thanks so much for your responses - they mean a lot to me and it is always good to confirm that I'm not alone!!

I think this has been a great breakthrough since my bro was the last members of my FOO that I was hanging onto. I wanted to believe that there was one person I could relate to, who understood and who was on my side. But reality sometimes needs to smack our dilusion square in the face, LOL! I no longer need to cling to the last shred of family I wanted and hoped for. Now I can accept things for how they truly are and how ALL of my family members choose to act - selfish, dysfunctional & NARCISSISTIC!

That's one of the hardest realizations to make. It's like, we already knew that the overt malignant narcissist was killing us emotionally ... but then to find that the "enabler" is just a sneakier version of a narcissist is brutal. It hurts so badly. It took me months of therapy to be able to even touch upon the subject of my emabling father ... only to be have to admit that he is a narcissist, too. There's a huge hurt inside me.

I am so sorry for all you are going through, but do know that you're not alone. You may feel alone, but thanks to blogs and comments, we can help one another out, ACoNs United, as it were.

In the six months since I started finding my voice, I have "lost" my mother, father, brother, sister-in-law, nephew, my godmother, my godfather, an entire church community, and all our relatives in the mother country.

(I say "lost" because I never really had them. It was never that great to start. So, I had to lose hope, really.)

But it hurts to realize that family is gone. Thanks for my mother's smear campaign (which I now know started from when I was a child ... she was able to portray me in a way that helps her cause of the martyr suffering mother now), I've got no one.

Except my husband. And children. And good friends who love me. And people online who hear and respond and understand my story.

Know you're not truly alone, no matter how lonely you feel. You're loved. You really are.

I am so glad I came upon your blog. I grew up in a very filthy home, no batheroom (used a pail) lazy mother (we cleaned up even her kotex pads) and now when my father died a brother went in and confiscated all the material possisions so she could have medicaid. He has taken over $50,000 for himself and according to my mother that is what she wanted. But I am to keep cleaning up after her anyway. I do have enough money so don't need it, but the message I received from her doing this amounts to I am only a slave and he is a prince. I have decided for my own peace to limit contact with her, she must not care as she only called on Christmas day to say Merry Christmas and then hung up, about a minute. No how are you, how are the kids and grandchildren. I am thinking she just wanted to clear her mind that day.