"What? You need two volunteers for a mission into no-man's land? Codename: Operation Certain Death? .... Yes, I have just the fellows."

-puts field telephone down, looks at Baldrick and George-

"God is VERY quick these days!"

Private Plane:

"Hah! Eat knuckle Fritz!"....

"Oh sir this flying lark does look like jolly good fun. I can't wait to get up there and have a good scrap with the fiendish Red Baron, then a bit of a crash landing behind enemy lines... capture, torture, escape, and then back home in time for tea and medals."....

"Hang on... what about the months of training?" -
"HEY WET PANTS, this isn't the Womens' Auxillary Balloon Corps, you're in the Twenty Minuters now!"

Captain Darling - "Come off it Blackadder, I wasn't born yesterday you know." Blackadder - "More's the pity, we could have started your personality from scratch."

Darling - "No please, I'm as British as Queen Victoria!" Blackadder - "So you're father's German, you're half German and you married a German?"

Blackadder - "I think the phrase rhymes with clucking bell."

Blackadder - "God made man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick".

Melchett - "The case before us is that of the Crown versus Captain Edmund Blackadder, alias the Flanders Pigeon Murderer. Oh, and hand me the black cap, will you - I'll be needing that."

Blackadder - "A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside".

Blackadder - "This game has all the entertainment value of a tap dancing oyster."

Blackadder - "We're facing a horde of ginger maniacs with wild goats nesting in their huge orange beards - or to put it another way, the Scots - and how does our inspired leader Hadrian intend to keep out this vast army of lunatics? By building a 3 foot high wall."

We're in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect was stuck on a sticky bun.

Darling? Bit of a funny name for a chap isn't it? Last time I called someone Darling she was pregnant twenty seconds later!

It's better than sitting around here all day on our elbows.....

Always treat your kite (tap tap) the way you treat your woman (whack!)...Do you mean take her home at the weekend to meet y'mother?...No, I mean get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back! Woof!

When the night is dark, and the dogs go bark; When the sky is gray, and the horse goes neigh; When the sky is blue and the cows go moo; Think of little Quennie, she'll be thinking of you.

"We, we live in an age where illness and deformity are common place and yet Ploppy, you are without a doubt the most repulsive individual that I have ever met. I would shake your hand but I fear it would come off."

Blackadder"Surely you must have noticed something in the air?" George."Well yes but I thought that was Private Baldrick."

Captain Blackadder:
"Hello, the Somme Public Baths, no running, shouting or piddling in the shallow end."

"We have been sitting here since Christmas 1914 in which millions of men have died and we have advanced no further than an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping."

"This is a crisis, infact it's a large crisis. It's a twelve story crisis with a magnificent entrance hall carving throughout 24hours porterage and a large sign on the roof saying 'This is a large crisis'

Baldrick: Since when I have been using sugar substitute Blackadder. Which is? Baldrick: Dandruff

Baldrick: I heard it started when a bloke called Archi Duke shot an ostrich because he was hungry.

A whole passage of on-liners in the first programme of the second series. Edmund has gone to see the Doctor:

D: Now then what seems to be the trouble?

E: Well, it is my man servant.

D: I see. Well don't be embarrassed if you got the pox. Just pop your man servant on the table and we'll take a look at him.

E: No, I mean, it is my real man servant.

D: Ah, ah. And what is wrong with him?

E: There is nothing wrong with him. That is the problem. He's perfect and last night I almost kissed him.

D: I see. So you started fancying boys then, have you?

E: Not boys. A boy.

D: Yes, well let's not split hairs. It is all rather disgusting and naturally you're worried.

E: Of course I'm worried.

D: Well, of course you are. It isn't every day a man wakes up to discover he's a screaming bender with no more right to live on Gods clean earth than a weasle. Ashamed of your self?

E: Not really, no.

D: Bloody hell! I would be. But still why should I complain? Just leaves more rampant totty for us real men, eh?

E: Look, am I paying for this personal abuse or is it extra?

D: No, it's all part of the service. I think you're in luck though. An extraordinary new cure has just been developed for exactly this kind of sordid problem.

E: It wouldn't have anything to do with leeches, would it?

D: I had no idea you were a medical man.

E: Never had anything you doctors didn't try to cure with leeches. A leech on my ear for ear ache, a leech on my bottom for constipation.

D: They're marvellous, aren't they?

E: Well, the bottom one wasn't. I just sat there and squashed it.

D: You know the leech comes to us on the highest authority?

E: Yes. I know that. Dr. Hoffmann of Stuttgart, isn't it?

D: That's right, the great Hoffmann.

E: Owner of the largest leech farm of Europe.

D: Yes. Well, I cannot spend all day gossiping. I'm a busy man. As far as this case is concerned I have now had time to think it over and I can strongly recommend a course of leeches. [in chorus]

E: Yes. I 'll pop a couple down my codpiece before I go to bed.

D: No, no, no, no. Don't be ridiculous. This isn't the dark ages. Just pop four in your mouth in the morning and let them dissolve slowly. In a couple of weeks you 'll be beating your servant with a stick, just like the rest of us.