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Wednesday September 18, 2013 6:12 AM

Dear Carolyn: When my grandson was born, I was thrilled. He is 8 now, and his parents told him
it is OK to call me by my first name. I don’t agree. He rarely calls me “Grandma.”

Also, my son and daughter-in-law combined their two last names, not hyphenated, as his last
name.

I am a very warm person but so hurt that I have lost my closeness to my grandson. It is hard,
and I feel myself distancing my feelings toward him. My son doesn’t think their way is wrong.

What is in a name or a title that makes it so important?

— A Lost Grandma

Dear Lost: To be sure I’m reading you correctly: You feel distant from your grandson because of
these two naming issues and not because anyone prevents you from seeing the child?

Dear Carolyn: He comes to my home, usually on weekends, to visit and spend time with me. I feel
so distant and hurt because of the last-name issue and because he calls me by my first name.

Dear Lost: It’s as if someone journeyed barefoot from the corners of Earth to deliver you a
sapphire and you’re peeved that it’s not a ruby.

If I agree to call you Grandma, will you stop being so blockheaded about one of the most
precious things that life has to offer?

That might be the best deal I have for you because I am unable to comprehend the idea that a
name can get in the way of a bond with a grandchild. You’re exhibiting such a low threshold for
insult that you’re allowing a difference of opinion on tradition to get in the way of giving and
receiving love. And it’s not even the child’s opinion but someone else’s.

This family is including you in his life — weekly. Their differing values aren’t rejections of
you or even your values. They’re merely reflections of time and change and circumstance. “What is
in a name or a title that makes it so important?” Your own stubborn self-righteousness.

There’s an apple at the base of your tree in the form of your son, who is equally blockheaded in
encouraging his son to use your first name when he knows that it bothers you. (You have absolutely
no say in the last name, so I encourage you to draw a smiley face on it. Your son wears respect for
women openly. Good for him.)

But your son can be wrong all day, and it doesn’t change the fact that you can control only your
decisions, not his.

So you can talk to the boy and propose giving you a special name that only he uses — or, hmm,
does he have any ideas?

Or you can just decide to get over yourself and place more value in loving and being loved — and
“very warm” — than being right.

Or you can flush this love down the toilet on a technicality. Your call.