Having your brother come home and surprise them won't ruin your parents' holiday, even if they don't particularly enjoy surprises. Knowing he is planning to come home, then having those plans cancelled at the last minute just might. I'd stuck to the surprise plan if I were you.

This is where I'm at as well. I would much, much, much rather not have the chance to look forward to something and then be surprised by it happening anyway, than look forward to something (for several months even) and then be disappointed by it being cancelled.

And not making plans for that week in hopes of spending it all with him and the last minute finding out it won't happen then you are kind of floundering around. I triple agree with the surprise idea. It's easier to cancel then trying to find something to do as a B-List planning etc.

Having your brother come home and surprise them won't ruin your parents' holiday, even if they don't particularly enjoy surprises. Knowing he is planning to come home, then having those plans cancelled at the last minute just might. I'd stuck to the surprise plan if I were you.

This is how I come at it. I'm also one of those for whom the anticipation is a big part of the joy of an event. But that also means that when I'm anticipating something huge, if that falls through then it absolutely ruins everything, even if it was otherwise a good holiday. Since the plans here aren't definite and military plans can certainly change SO much, I think a surprise is a great idea. If it comes through, it will be a great story that will make the holiday for everyone. If it doesn't happen, then no one (except the OP) is more disappointed than they would've been.

I can't imagine my family being "crushed" with disappointment if a military family member couldn't make it home for the actual holiday.

I think my own mother would rather know, and she'd be able to handle the "if the Army comes through" idea. And if it turned out that the leave was cancelled, I think she would have liked knowing that the child in question had really *wanted* to come home and had tried.

Maybe other families don't do well in a changeable world, but mine does.

I can't imagine my family being "crushed" with disappointment if a military family member couldn't make it home for the actual holiday.

I think my own mother would rather know, and she'd be able to handle the "if the Army comes through" idea. And if it turned out that the leave was cancelled, I think she would have liked knowing that the child in question had really *wanted* to come home and had tried.

Maybe other families don't do well in a changeable world, but mine does.

Was that last jab really necessary? It's completely understandable to be disappointed when finding out that a loved one not only won't be around for a family holiday as planned but will, in fact, still be in a dangerous situation risking life and limb and has absolutely nothing to do with "doing well in a changeable world."

I didn't think of that as a jab. I was thinking of my MIL when I said it. She doesn't do well in a changeable world--neither does my husband. If you tell him someone might visit, he asks what plane they're arriving on. My MIL doesn't enjoy plans that are "maybes"; it's as if she can't wrap her head around the concept.

And I know my mother *would* be disappointed. But she wouldn't be "crushed," which is the wording that seems so weird to me. Her holiday wouldn't be ruined. There would just be a disappointment amid all the enjoyable parts.

I would be crushed if I was anticipating my own son coming home for the holidays despite knowing that there is a chance it won't happen. I wouldn't fall apart but my holidays would be bittersweet that he could have been there but couldn't. Vs. Accepting ahead of time that he won't be home for the holidays, and making the best of it. It will be a bit bittersweet but not sad at the missed opportunity. But that's the beauty of this board. Opposing views, trick is though not to belittle others for their views. It's a hard line to toe.

Right now my son is in school for the Army. Basically what I've been told is "You'll know if I'm coming home for the Holidays when I call you from the airport for a ride."

He could be granted holiday leave when he finishes school or be late deployed to his unit overseas, we won't know until it happens. As a parent, A surprise visit would be fantastic. A planned visit would be fantastic. All that really matters to me is that he is home, how he chooses to let me know does not matter.

I can't imagine my family being "crushed" with disappointment if a military family member couldn't make it home for the actual holiday.

I think my own mother would rather know, and she'd be able to handle the "if the Army comes through" idea. And if it turned out that the leave was cancelled, I think she would have liked knowing that the child in question had really *wanted* to come home and had tried.

Maybe other families don't do well in a changeable world, but mine does.

Wow... well, good for your family. My family (i.e. husband and son) would be pretty crushed if I were supposed to be home for the holidays and wasn't. Heck, most of my family would be. They would be understanding, but 4 year olds do not have the best logic and reasoning, so explaining it to him would be pretty rough.

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My inner (r-word) is having a field day with this one.-Love is Evol: Christopher Titus-

I can't imagine my family being "crushed" with disappointment if a military family member couldn't make it home for the actual holiday.

I think my own mother would rather know, and she'd be able to handle the "if the Army comes through" idea. And if it turned out that the leave was cancelled, I think she would have liked knowing that the child in question had really *wanted* to come home and had tried.

Maybe other families don't do well in a changeable world, but mine does.

Wow... well, good for your family. My family (i.e. husband and son) would be pretty crushed if I were supposed to be home for the holidays and wasn't. Heck, most of my family would be. They would be understanding, but 4 year olds do not have the best logic and reasoning, so explaining it to him would be pretty rough.

I agree, that last sentence (from the post you were replying to) does come across as pretty condescending.

I really don't see anything wrong with the original plan in the OP - it could always be said that "Ed thought he'd have leave for Christmas, we wanted to surprise you, but it didn't work out, at the last minute" if it indeed did not happen.