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Reclaiming Sex for Marriage

“But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” 1 Corinthians 7:2

That verse right there stands in stark contrast to the worldly notion that sex should be explored with anyone at any stage of life; that we should be lead by our fleshly desires and impulses, our emotions and passions.

The Bible sets the standard high, and 1 Corinthians 7:2 clearly confirms that God’s purpose for the intimacy of sex was to be enjoyed between a man and a woman united in marriage.

Modern Sexual Culture

Weep for the culture. We hear that often. There’s so much to weep for. One thing in particular that both causes my heart pain and gets my back up at the same time is the way sex is glorified (and misused) – even among adolescents. It’s promoted as a “rite of passage”. And you’re pegged as “odd” or a “loser” if you’re not sexually active.

We see it in the movies and t.v. shows we watch. It’s either whispered in some songs or shouted in others. It’s insinuated in the advertisements in magazines we flip through. It causes laughter in the jokes we hear and repeat. And it’s in those “romance novels” we are tempted to buy in the supermarket. We are bombarded with it everywhere we turn.

There was a time when promiscuity was frowned upon, and if it did take place it was hidden so as not to bring shame on the family or community. And when the secret was found out, usually by pregnancy, the couple was forced into marriage right away.

Then came the “sexual revolution” in the 1960’s.

Nowadays, pre-marital sex is acceptable as long as you “use a condom”. No long-term commitment is required, and many flaunt having frequent sexual encounters with different partners as notches in their belts or badges of honor.

Co-habitation is encouraged so that you can figure out if your significant other is suitable marriage material. But, all this really does is enable the couple to “play house” without fully committing themselves to one another. There’s no true union of hearts and lives.

That said, I am hearing more and more that in the most “modern” of cultures the whole institution of marriage is becoming a thing of the past. The new philosophy is that romantic relationships are meant to be fluid, without restrictions or boundaries.

As Christians, we know the standard by which we should live. Yet we are so easily wooed by the culture around us. “If it feels good, do it”, “Follow your heart”, “Go with the flow”, “Try it just this once”, and “It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission”.

The new philosophy is that romantic relationships are meant to be fluid, without restrictions or boundaries.

The Dangers of Casual Sex

Casual sex in the eyes of God is abhorrent according to 1 Corinthians 6:9, yet it is completely acceptable and even encouraged in many circles. But sex was never meant to be casual. God created it to play a part in the unifying of husband and wife. It is spiritual, holy.

Jay Budziszewski wrote, “Casual sex can’t achieve [unity]. It endlessly joins and severs, joins and severs. Imagine what it would be like to repeatedly tear off and reattach your arm. There would come a day when no earthly surgery would suffice; the reparative power of your body would be lost. It is the same when you repeatedly tear off and reattach your various sexual partners. Eventually they will all seem like strangers; you just won’t feel anything. You will have destroyed your capacity for intimacy.” – (What’s Good About Sex?)

We are deceiving ourselves if we believe that casual sex leaves behind no harmful effects on our hearts and minds. God created us to be passionate beings, but when it comes to physical intimacy he set limits so that our needs would be fulfilled within the protective walls of the marital bedroom.

Sex was never meant to be casual.

Let’s make a list of the ways the world would be different if the majority of people lived by the principle that sex should be limited to men and women united in marriage.

no sexually transmitted deseases

very few unwanted pregnancies

virtually no market for prostitution

Sex trafficking would be non-existent

Pornography wouldn’t be a billion-dollar industry

It’s hard to imagine a world without all those things, isn’t it? Yet, our destiny was written in the stars once we decided that our way was the better way. When we decided to step outside of the boundaries and remove the restrictions God put in place we opened the way for the many negative consequences that are destroying us today.

A Holy Union

C.S. Lewis wrote, “The monstrosity of sexual intercourse outside of marriage is that those who indulge in it are trying to isolate one kind of union (the sexual) from all the other kinds of union which were intended to go along with it and make up the total union.” (Mere Christianity)

The “union” Lewis refers to is the physical, spiritual and emotional union that God meant for all marriages to have. The physical union sex provides is just a part of the whole. In a healthy marriage when one hurts the other hurts, when one rejoices so does the other. Over time, spouses come to know one another so intimately that certain facial expressions will reveal what they’re thinking and they learn how to make the other happy or feel safe or feel loved.

It is truly offensive to God when the act of sexual intercourse is used without keeping his divine purpose in mind. John Piper said, “The world tries to steal what belongs to believers. Sex belongs to Christians. Because sex belongs to God.” (Sex Belongs to Believers)

The physical union sex provides is just a part of the whole.

Sex is not only a symbol of the union of two people but it is a part of making two beings whole. When it is used outside of the context of marriage it is impossible for a person to experience true fulfillment. And isn’t that what every human being longs for?

Now, marriage is not for everyone. But, it is for most people. Paul, the apostle, stated, “To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” (1 Corinthians 7:8, 9)

He also said to those believers who were either unmarried or tempted to commit adultery, “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” (1 Corinthians 6:18-20)

More Than Just Sex

Sex isn’t merely about feeling or experiencing pleasure. Oh, it’s so much more than that! That’s why God ordained it only for the marriage bed. Hebrews 13:4 exhorts all Christians by saying, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” The sexual experience involves the body, the mind, the heart and the spirit. Paul tells us that the marriage relationship is a picture of Christ and his bride – the church – in Ephesians 5. He sees the importance in making the connection, while proclaiming that it was still a mystery. John Piper explains it perfectly:

“The union of man and woman in marriage is a mystery because it conceals, as in a parable, a truth about Christ and the church. The divine reality hidden in the metaphor of marriage is that God ordained a permanent union between His Son and the church. Human marriage is the earthly image of this divine plan. As God willed for Christ and the church to become one body (Gal. 3:28; 1 Cor. 12:13), so He willed for marriage to reflect this pattern—that the husband and wife become one flesh (Gen. 2:24).

The sexual experience involves the body, the mind, the heart and the spirit.

Now, why would we want to go and mess up something so beautiful, so perfectly orchestrated?

Why God Created Sex

God made sex so that we could, “be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it,” according to Genesis 1:28. Procreation was the means God chose to use us, who were created in his own image, to fill the planet with families who would learn how to love Him and love one another. And the enjoyment of sexual intimacy wasn’t just a bonus, it is a way for us to enjoy our spouses deeply.

Now, we all know that marriage isn’t just about sex. As we age the physical desire for sex will fade but the union is not broken. What remains, in a healthy marriage, is a bond that cannot be broken. When I think of my parents I can’t think of one without thinking about the other. They are one. Same goes for my kids: they can’t imagine my husband and I ever being apart. In their eyes we are one unit. And that is exactly what we are – a union that can only be broken by death.

Reclaiming Sex for Marriage

Why did I write this article? A few reasons:

To remind us, as Christians, that there is a standard by which we are to live; one that God set, not because he is restrictive but because he is love. He wants us to enjoy his beautiful purpose and thrive in it.

As Christ’s church we have allowed too much of the world and its philosophy to seep into our homes and influence our families. Enough is enough.

As parents we are responsible not only to teach our children what the biblical standard is, but how to live by it. We are also called to protect them from diabolical influences that could potentially water down their principles and values. We need to teach them while they are young the joys of knowing and following Christ so that when temptation arises they will run in the opposite direction.

It took me quite a while to settle on a title. Lots of phrases rolled around in my mind until I finally settled on “Reclaiming Sex for Marriage”. My decision was confirmed when I found the definition for the word “reclaim”.

To reclaim means: to bring (uncultivated areas or wasteland) into a condition for cultivation or other use; to recover (substances) in a pure or usable form from refuse, discarded articles, etc.; to bring back to a preferable manner of living, sound principles, ideas, etc.

Christians, we need to reclaim sex for marriage because it has become a wasteland out there in the world. And the garbage from that wasteland is seeping into our homes. It’s time to seal up those crevices by changing what we watch and listen to and read. Some iffy relationships need to be cut off.

We are called to “come out from them and be separate” according to 2 Corinthians 6:17, and to not “conform to the pattern of this world” as taught by Paul in Romans 12:2. And when we are tempted 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us that God is faithful and will always provide a way out. And if we do fall the Bibles tells us that, “if we confess our sins, [God] is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9

Our God is loving and holy. No one compares to him. He deserves to be glorified in the bodies he gave us in the first place. Let’s live like it. And teach our children how to live like it.

His purpose in ordaining marriage is awe-inspiring. Beautiful. Magnificent. Instead of running away from his purpose, let’s delve into it and enjoy it. His works are wonderful!

Focus on the Family has put together a terrific series called, “God’s Design for Sex”. I encourage you to read it. It’s a wonderful resource. Share it with the teenagers and young adults in your life so that they can be better prepared. You won’t regret it!

Thank you for this article as I have a family member who is a cohabitating as a Christian… and he knows better. I’m hoping to use some of these points to help share them with him in a loving way. I appreciate the insight!

What a beautifully thought out and necessary post. Sex has become so commonplace outside the confines of marriage. But it’s up to us as Christian parents and church members to continue to teach where sex belongs, in the privacy of the marriage.

I appreciate you writing this post, because it is one many would shy away from. I personally believe pornography is a separate entity in itself. Still believing that sex is for after marriage doesn’t erase an addiction that people have to that sin. Also, statistics have shown that pornography is actually more of an issue with those that are married. Thank you for writing a post that makes people stop and think.

You make a good point, Jessie. My point regarding pornography, though, was that if a sexual intimacy were healthy in a marriage the “need” for pornography would be virtually non-existant. Thanks for reading!

I am so glad you took time out to discuss this today. We have been turning a blind eye to what sex has become in modern day society. We, as Christians, are to set an example of what marriage and sex should look like. We should teach our children and educate our youth.

Excellent post. Our society is so permissive when it comes to sex, but we need to realize it’s a holy gift between two people (a husband and wife). It is wonderful BUT there are certain parameters. Marriage is THE way to enjoy it.

Thanks Summer for this post. My husband and I were just talking to some young people on Sunday about this very topic and how sex before marriage is now acceptable even in the church… it is shocking to me.

Thank you Summer for addressing a lightning rod topic such as this! You have great boldness in Christ, and I love it! Another book I love that addresses the theological truths about sex is Tim Keller’s “The Meaning of Marriage.” If the purpose of marriage is to prepare us for our life in eternity and shape us into the people God has called us to be in the meantime, then sex becomes an instrument of spiritual growth.

As so many of the previous comments have mentioned, this is a much needed post for us as Christians to be reminded of how we need to take a stand and fight for purity. I know that the issue has affected me personally as in my oldest 3 kids have been sucked in to the world’s view and each have had their times of living with their person in a relationship. I have 1 son that is 18 and he has seen the destructive outcome of his older siblings and he is taking the stand to wait until marriage. I rejoice for this in my 18yr old yet I weep over my older kids. Their father and I are divorced and so for me, I own some responsibility in how my older kids views were tainted but I’ve learned to allow the healing of Christ to overpower my regrets and now I pray, weep, pray, weep over them and I’m not giving up hope that they will choose to live for God in surrendering to Him some day and that they will learn the importance of reclaiming sex for marriage.

April, thankfully the story is not over for you and your children. As God has worked wonders in your life, he is more than capable of doing the same in your children’s lives as well. Parenting adults can be complicated, but much of it is done on our knees. May God give you glimpses of his glory through the process!

Hi Summer, thanks for this beautiful post. It’s unfortunate, the state of decadence in society today. I agree with you that sec should be within the walls of marriage only. And I’m often appalled to find out that some people believe there’s nothing wrong otherwise. We must continue to educate others about the benefit of chastity.

You used the word “benefit” and it struck me as something interesting. The grand majority in the world don’t see chastity as a benefit. On the other hand, they see abstinence as the great “party pooper” and only see the “negative”.

Published by Summer

Wife and mother. Follower of Christ. Lover of truth. Avid reader. Thoughtful writer.
I chose the name "Life is a Vapor" because I am reminded all too often that we are pilgrims on this earth - just passing through. This is not home. So, instead of focusing on the earthly, I'd rather focus on the eternal. In light of this, it is my goal to make every blog post reflect this philosophy.
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