Thursday, June 4, 2009

Karma's a Bitch with a Cellphone

Karma called me the other day. OK, not me, Karma took an extra step and called My Love instead...thus leaving him as the messenger. Karma didn't just dial up the number, it also left a voicemail, which was then kindly delivered to me via beau. This time the law of attraction wanted to remind me "what goes around comes around" by very effectively, using MY VOICE. Karma wanted to remind me that when you say negative things about people, you're going to get fucking cancer of the throat. You're going to end up the scratchy-box-hole-in-throat-commercial for not using your fucking voice box correctly.

In basic terms, I butt dialed my boyfriend and I have a big ass mouth. Ten minutes later, he's listening to a message of me talking about someone, rather brutally. Just bitching about, "this" and "that" and "blah blah" meaningless things really....it was as if What Goes Around Comes Around and Karma tag teamed me, or gang jumped me and said, "we're not going to hit you with a car today or kill your family....but if you keep on that path, we may consider it. Here's why....BEEP..." then BAM, Chelsea Literally Talking Smack, the voicemail version.

The worst part was, I was talking about someone I love and adore. And if the ten minutes of what I was complaining about were to be broadcast on a bullhorn it would sound like I was talking about someone I loathe and want to stone with paper weights.

So naturally, the rest of the day I felt like Karma gave me bare-assed lashing with a leather whip. I've always wondered if the statement about people's faults that youdislike being some amplified version of YOUR own faults, put very boldly in front of you so that you can recognize them. So that you can look at yourself and say, "Hey you know what Chels, sometimes YOU'RE the gigantic tool bag, or bad driver, or unreliable hot mess. Sometimes, that's you! You even forget your friends birthdays, so stop being righteous."

Then I went on the whole day wanting to reverse the karma; "Let's go feed the birds" or, "I've got like 20cents?...I bet homeless-toothless-Joe could buy sip of vodka with that, let's give it to him!" I was reminded that not only do I forget to be mindful of my words towards myself, but also for the words I contaminate the air with.

So without further adieu, I'd like to apologize (this should hopefully knock down a few points on the Karma Scale, or at least offset contracting Lyme Disease):

To Janelle from Kindergarten, I'm sorry for biting you and blaming you for ripping the buttons off my red dress-when I really did it for attention. To the many I "bumper bumped" in LA, sorry-it didn't look bad enough to leave a note. To my last ex-sorry for not caring enough when you did. To my Mom, for all the times I stole your MAC compact and left your face vulnerable and makeup-less. To my first roommate, sorry I ate your snacks when you weren't home and didn't tell you. To Amber for missing her birthday party and for making her do the "Apple Juice Diet" with me- sorry I put you at risk of vomiting up your organs. Sorry for not holding the door, for flipping the bird, for judging VERY HARSHLY anyone with a McCain sticker-I sent super bad voodoo energy your direction. Sorry for eating the last Jell-O, for forgetting to pay you back, for saying mean things about your baby, for envying you, for judging your wardrobe. I'm sorry for saying FAR TOO many mean things about Heidi and Spencer Pratt and for calling people with horse faces, "Horse Face" in my head. For that, I apologize.

I'm sorry for all the phone calls I don't return and that saying my phone isn't working. Same with e-mails/computer not working. Sorry to those that I lie in general too whenever I purposely chose not to do something. BTW loved the post!!

I'm a harsh critic, so I definitely know what it is to apologize for words that come out wrong all the time. I've not learned that lesson well enough, I'm sure...to no let venting turn into something way uglier.

i'd have to apologise to all my friends for ignoring their calls/texts when I really cannot be arsed to speak to them, and then blaming a broken phone for not returning them..karma has already been a bitch back as most of them have given up now so I kind of kicked myself in gthe are there.I should apologise to alena the penis cleaner but she is a whore who deserved everything I gave her (though I have to pretend to friends I'm sorry for being a bitch to her..i'm not :) )

Being so mean to boys until I was 23. I was a horrible person/girlfriend, and now that I am 27 and they are all settled down and happily married and I am single and miserable, I know what karma is! Ugh.

I apologize for watching that little girl fall right in front of me and not helping her up..her father was right there, but I was too busy running to stop and help. I'm a jerk, and i've felt bada bout it for a whole week. So, sorry.