Nothing’s ever enough (and that’s okay)

Jana over at Jana Says recently wrote about the Struggle with Enough. When I saw the title on Twitter, I thought it’d be about the common issue of feeling secure, like you have enough. Something I wrote about recently.

Instead, she was talking about enough, as in obligations. Not enough time with loved ones, not nice enough to others, not organized enough (boy howdy, I feel her on this one), and so on. Regular readers know that I have battled this issue for a long time.

Like me, Jana struggles with depression. So she has a “negative committee” — I call it my Greek chorus — in her head ever so helpfully pointing out just how much she’s failed on various fronts. How much she should be doing. All to the point of incapacitating her.

The problem with “should”

We all think about the things we should be doing, and I’m willing to bet that almost none of us gets around to all of them. It’s why I think “should” is one of the most dangerous words in the English language.

“Should” implies that we can somehow do it all. Not that modern society and Pinterest help the matter. Or magazines like Real Simple, damn them. (Why can’t I have an organized garage with mason jars full of nails/screws/washers and tools tacked to pegboards with helpful outlines? Besides the fact that we have like 10 nails total, no washers and a toolbox for the few tools we have.)

Point being, it’s easy to get caught up in your own head, which tends to be filled with the message that you’ve somehow failed if you haven’t managed to:

Cook from scratch —

Which you could eat off the floors you just waxed —

While simultaneously spending quality time with your child,

Taking your dog for a nice long walk

Not hanging up on telemarketers

And not scowling at the lady in line at the grocery store (you are cooking from scratch, after all) who is counting out the last $10 in nickels and pennies

Not to mention helping with homework, never overdrafting, paying bills on time, not forgetting appointments, never having a mess — mason jars, people! — and doing dishes.

When you actually spell it out, it’s ridiculous that we ever feel bad for not meeting these goals. Even for those of us without children or health problems, that seems pretty exhausting.

So why do we expect this of ourselves?

You don’t see the whole picture

Well, you know that saying about putting your best foot forward? We all do it. Even friends and family will tend to show you their best versions.

An example: An old neighbor of mine had recently given birth to a little girl. She took the baby and her three-year-old boy to meet a friend at the park. When she got there, the baby took a tremendous dump. She reached into the diaper bag and found that she had forgotten to restock the baby’s diapers. And that there was only one wipe.

She cleaned up as best she could and jerry-rigged one of her son’s pullups. Her friend showed up a few minutes later. She confessed that they were thinking about having another kid, too. But she just didn’t think she could be as organized and in control as my neighbor.

So yeah, that friend? The one who has you over for a wonderful meal and shows you all the did-it-herself repairs and upgrades to her lovely house?

She’s not mentioning that she has a maid or maybe only cleans when company comes. She’s not talking about how her kids sometimes drive her insane and that she feels guilty that she can’t spend more time with them. Or that she’s so busy that she never returns Redbox rentals on time or is consistently late paying the electric bill.

Depression rears its ugly head

Are you a depressive? Well, that’s not helping your self-esteem or your expectations.

Depression is a disease that convinced you you’re a terrible person. You’re not good enough and never will be. And it’s awfully hard to argue with your own brain.

Personally, I shake my head when these kinds of thoughts get going. Sometimes a physical head shake metaphorically throws them off track. When that doesn’t work, when my brain starts replaying all the times I’ve embarrassed myself or said something awful, then I just say “Stop.” Actually say it, by the way. Not just in my head.

Sometimes saying something like that out loud is enough to disrupt the thoughts. Other times, I have to go actively pay attention to something else. Because, like Jana, my Greek chorus can reduce me to tears and/or the fetal position (emotionally and physically).

So how do you guys cope with these feelings? How do you convince yourself you’re doing plenty? That you’re not a bad person? Do you have a trick to get out of the loop of mental accusations?

Comments

No trick, unfortunately, the only thing that has helped ever is confessing aloud to a very trusted friend that I'm on the precipice of the spiral. It's not that they jolly me out of it which would be extremely irritating, it's just the action of naming it flies in the face of my usual Retreat Into Darkness tactic which is the intuitive but bad way.

I JUST today demurred about a "should": out of the blue after not responding to us for nearly a year (they're busy) a cousin wanted to hang out tomorrow. 1) I don't like making plans last minute when they involve a 40 min drive way 2) I've barely gotten any sleep for 2-3 days. My initial response was "ugghhhh nooo … but I should." BUT it's like I've grown up a tiny bit b/c I said that I'm actually not really up to it at the moment and I might feel better tomorrow if I get rest but for now: not enthused.

Lesson: It IS ok to say no to "I should". In fact, we probably should 😉

Haha, yeah we probably should. I've gotten a little better at that myself. The obligation is nearly crippling at times, but with effort — or an utterly lack of energy for any effort — you can overcome it.

I used to beat myself up with negative self talk when my son was young and in child care. I had to stop because having a good income and career is important to me. My perfect SAHM around me weren't all that perfect. Even today I had to shush the negative self talk. Enough is a goal but living your life with in reasonable margins is more sensible.

Excellent point. And yeah, it can be important to yourself *and* it can be a big deal for your kid too. Because a) he gets to live more comfortably and b) it's important for all kids to know that it's okay for a woman to work after she has kids. Whether or not she opts to do that, it's important that kids understand it's a valid choice.

It gets easier as you get older. Or seems to. Most of the time. LOVE John Darrow's comment! And I guess that's what it is about getting older… you've encountered the fact, time and time again, that what you thought of as someone else's perfection is merely your own perception. No one is perfect. Even those folks we assume are.

I also like John Darrow's comment as it pretty much sums up what may really be going on. I am recovering from facial surgery and am only three days out from the surgery date. I set up a date with another couple today and canceled because even if I was well enough to have them over (I wasn't) I wasn't well enough to straighten up the house even a little bit. I had planned to cook and wasn't up for that either. Dinner ended up being a relaxing joint effort with my husband and we spent the evening home together watching a really bad movie. A perfect evening.

I ended up having a nice relaxing day and chuckled at the looks my bruised face got when I walked to the ice cream parlor by myself (walking recommended by my doctor).

I became friends with a woman I thought was really "together". As I got to know her personally I learned that she has been overdrawn, paid a bill late, in short she's just like me. I've been to her house while it's been upside down. That made me like her much more as I learned she was "normal".

Ouch, sorry to hear about the surgery. Especially in this day and age where it's hard to convince people that you haven't just had plastic surgery for vanity.

And yeah, it can be nice when you learn people have issues too. I will always love a friend of mine. When I learned she'd decided to stay home with her baby, I told her I admired that because it has got to be tough. "Well," she said, "I haven't killed him yet." Most moms would try to pretend it was the ultimate thing. She was happy to admit it wasn't perfect.

I like your friend too. It occurs to me I get along better with parents of twins more than parents of singles because they don't seem to pretend everything is perfect. Not that all parents of singles do, just that they more often act like they've got the ultimate life and nothing is a struggle and I don't buy it. Meanwhile twin parents are like: dude this is hard work. Love em but jaysus.

I have definitely struggled with not feeling good/pretty/talented/liked enough. I have different coping mechanisms for different times. For instance yesterday I was feeling really bummed that these certain group of girls never ask me to play volleyball, and the one who normally plays with my group seems to have somewhat ditched us. I tried to put on a happy face when I saw then before I started my run (I would have rather been playing volleyball). As I was running I knew I had to try to get out of my funk, so I thought about all the things I did this year that were pretty big accomplishments that none of these girls have done. I ran a half marathon, I learned ukulele, I run a (hopefully, I think) successful blog. I don't mean it to sound better than them, I just needed something to boost my own confidence and think, "hey I got it pretty good." Anyway, that is one example.

That's a pretty good way to shake the bad thoughts. Glad you were able to pull yourself out of the funk. Exercise is actually a great way to lift your mood in general. Or at least turn the negative thoughts toward a road or piece of equipment.

A post on the Captain Awkward site included a comment from a reader on the subject of telling other people the way to act/be. (In this case, it was a food activist who wanted to share her information with others.)
"You’ve got information other people don’t have, which is influencing your dietary choices. However, they may well have information that you don’t have, which is influencing theirs. The best advice I can give is to assume, unless and until you discover otherwise, that everyone’s trying to do the best they can in an imperfect world on the basis of the information that they have available, and the information you’ve got isn’t perfect either."
(Love, love, love that last sentence.)
See also the comment from "anon this time" on that thread, where the commenter lists several examples of why cooking vegetarian/vegan isn't cheaper across the board. Those examples include:
"When you’re working 2, 3, even 4 jobs, or simply a ridiculous number of hours, and you’re the only person able to cook in the house (because you’re a single parent, because you’re a carer for a disabled person, whatever), or if you have any of a wide number of chronic illnesses or disorders, THEN EVEN TEN MINUTES DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SOMETHING PROCESSED AND SOMETHING FROM SCRATCH IS HUGE." (emphasis added)
Here's the link: http://captainawkward.com/2014/11/13/645-talking-…
(I highly recommend this site in general because it's loaded with compassionate, thoughtful advice; the reader comments are intriguing and useful as well.

Love that comment, too, Donna… but I also remember that one size doesn't fit all, even for the SAME person. Life has its ages and stages. So while it might be more frugally (and nutritionally) prudent for a parent of growing children to cook exclusively from scratch if time allows, buy in bulk, stock up on sales, etc., that approach might be less useful to, say, my 81 year old mom who is a widow living on her own with mobility issues. The working woman may know organically grown and less processed foods are healthier choices, but her budget, time and skills (or interest) don't fit. One thing I hear (a lot) lately is that either buying used clothing from thrift stores or sewing your own are more "ethical" choices from an environmental,, global perspective. Which is great. Unless you're a short plus size with no sewing machine, but you have an innate ability to get rock bottom prices on the (few) new clothing purchases you make each year.

Yeah, I have trouble finding stuff that fits/flatters at thrift stores too. It gets a little easier as I lose weight, but it's still tough. Especially when most women's pants like to insist that I have a much higher, smaller waist than I do. (There's literally about 3-4 inches between the top of my hip bone and the bottom of my ribs.)

I love this! I think I feel more inadequate when the holidays roll around – everything looks so perfect, and some of my friends lead seemingly perfect lives on Facebook, that I'm just like, 'why don't I have my stuff together?' I just remembered to replace the air filter, 1 year later. They're supposed to be replaced EVERY THREE MONTHS. Fail, self!

So lately I've just told myself 'forget it.' Forget it! Who is putting this pressure on you? No one? Just you? Okay, so your floors aren't clean, the dog smells because you haven't bathed her, and sometimes you don't eat healthy all the time. I just have to tell myself: am I happy enough? Am I getting to work on time (mostly)? Is everyone fed? If those are met, I just have to let it go and forget it!

I think you're absolutely right that we usually only see a fraction of people's lives and struggles. It's easy to assume that everyone else has it together and has all of their nails organized in mason jars, but we know it's not true! We're all imperfect assemblages just trying to do our best . Thank you for sharing this!

Yeah, I've stopped reading Real Simple because it's just so exhausting. But you just gotta remind yourself, even Martha Stewart went to prison. So that's proof that no one's perfect. Though I'm sure her cell was immaculate.

Okay. I love to bake, cook, and coupon/bargain hunt. So, all my Christmas shopping is done, a lot of the presents I got were free with rewards, most of my Thanksgiving dinner is ready and in the freezer, the Christmas tree and decorations will all be up by Thanksgiving day (my husband has always loved to do this), I'm obsessive about money so we have no debt except our mortgage and we've never paid a bill late.

On the other hand, I hate yard work so our beds and lawn leave a LOT to be desired. I also have a brown thumb so plants commit suicide when they see me coming just to save themselves the suffering. I hate housework and have health issues, so my house stays clean only because I have help come in every two weeks. I never exercise and am overweight. We don't walk the dog enough. I dress very casually, some might say frumpy, because I don't go to an office anymore and don't see any sense in putting a lot of money into clothes, hair, and makeup. I never send Christmas cards and am terrible at remembering family member's birthdays. I love to have friends over for dinner, but there is NEVER a fancy table setting. I hate ironing so my poor husband has to iron his own shirt every morning. I am also a pitiful decorator.

In other words, all of us have our strengths and weaknesses. I think the problem is the media. Remember that those magazines and commercials are all trying to sell you something. Those characters on TV are all HIGHLY unrealistic, like a waitress that is able to afford a nice apartment in Manhattan. These images are giving us a false sense of reality in that they imply that it is possible to achieve perfection in every aspect of our lives. There is nothing wrong with you it's these images that are unrealistic.

Excellent point! And yeah my makeup lasts for YEARS because I use it so rarely. And I arguably could use some more clothes. But the next ones will probably be more flannel PJs to wear around the house during cooler months.

And am I the only one who doesn't understand what real person has 30+ candles lying around to light for romantic evenings ala movies and TV? It's so pretty, but all I can think is, "Dude, that's like $100 in candles!"

Are we cousins, maybe? I haven't bought clothes for probably three years, except for a pair of thrift-store jeans. I work at home — why dress up?
As for yard work et al., there's a built-in gift request if someone asks you what you want for Christmas: "Someone to mow the lawn/tidy up the yard," which could lead either to a gift certificate for a lawn service or a family member who comes over to help out.
P.S. I don't iron much, either. Fortunately, DF loves to iron and will ask if I have anything that needs doing after he irons his own shirts.

Scratch "not hanging up on telemarketers" off your list. I did not invite them to call. I know they are just trying to make a living, but that is not my problem. The rest of it…..well yes guilt does manage to hang on.

I prefer to just let the phone pickup. Unfortunately, Tim hates a ringing phone. And he's been known to just keep asking questions to waste their time because he's just evil. I try to be polite but firm and hang up.

I love that my post made you think about this! And thanks for writing such a great follow-up!

I've been working really hard, trying to figure out how to address what I wrote about. I do know that a social media detox is a necessity, as is compiling a list of all the things I've done and am good at, and trying to just power through some of the terrible feelings and thoughts. It's hard, HARD work, and, at the end of the day, the only one putting the "shoulds" on me is me. I have the ability to stop doing that.

If a gag order was possible for the negative committee, I'd institute it in a hot second.

I'd say another thing is to just surround yourself with people (in person or online) who are utterly honest about their so-called shortcomings. And I'm not just saying that because I repeatedly talk about that kind of stuff.

But seriously, I hope that you find more ways to silence the committee. Or at least to shout it down. Thanks for coming to check it out!

1. I've managed to embrace "good enough" in many parts of my life, but it still doesn't seem like a good metric for the parts of my life I care most about. (Raising my kids, writing, keeping my home nice.) That's the Catch-22. I recognize that the things I don't care deeply about (what kind of car I drive, the clothes I wear, how my garden looks) can be good enough, but that's because I don't care that deeply about them. The thing is that I'd be happier if I could embrace good enough with the important stuff, too. It's a constant struggle.

2. I actually say NOPE! out loud when I start having a negative thought spiral. It reminds me of the cartoon Archer and can help get me out of my own head.

Ha, Archer is our running gag too. Tim literally channeled that when he was quitting smoking this last time. Every time he wanted a cigarette, he just pictured Lana saying NOPE! Apparently, it worked enough to disrupt his thought pattern.

And yeah, it's easy to let go about things we don't care about. The rest… it's a battle.

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