The "Me" Marriage

Marriage thrives when each other works to support their spouse's growth.

“The Happy Marriage is the ‘Me’ Marriage” was the title of the recent New York Times piece. My hackles were immediately raised. I knew it couldn’t be true. I was (am!) so clear that the happy marriage is the one that is other-focused, the 'you' marriage. But Ms. Tara Parker-Pope was not making the expected point. So I read on.

The article was exploring "sustainable marriages," defined as long-lasting relationships that are meaningful and satisfying.

Ms. Pope refers to a study at Monmouth University in New Jersey, “Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship.”

Okay, we’re back to sounding me-focused. But I actually think the authors are pointing out a profound idea, even if they are approaching in a slightly back-handed fashion. We thrive in marriage where our partner works to support our growth. And vice versa. It can actually be you-focused. Not only do I want you (my spouse) to realize your dreams and potential but I am going to give you the benefit of my wisdom and experience in getting you there. You are not limited by your self. My “self” is part of the process too.

We become expanded versions of ourselves as we incorporate the ideas, wisdom, and knowledge gleaned from our spouse.

We become bigger, more expanded versions of ourselves as we incorporate the ideas, wisdom, and knowledge gleaned from our spouse. Their sharing has enlarged our capacity.

As our spouse continues to grow, so do we. It is a mutually beneficial and rewarding dynamic.

It is true that frequently “opposites attract.” Part of this may be, as many therapists have posited, that we are looking for character traits we don’t have, the qualities that will complete us, will make us a greater whole.

But that doesn’t happen magically with marriage. It requires work. We need to appreciate what our partner has to offer, the ways in which we can learn from them. We need to accept that alternate viewpoints and traits are not inferior but rather opportunities for growth. What we do NOT want to do is try to impose our strengths (i.e. “superior” qualities) on our spouse. We need to wait to be asked. Otherwise we risk becoming nagging and critical or pompous and obnoxious, definitely not the “you-focused” position.

We need to really look at our partner. We need to demonstrate our respect for the abilities, experience and information that we don’t ourselves possess. And figure out how we can learn from it, how we can improve ourselves.

We don’t need to become our husband. We don’t need to imitate our wife. But we don’t want to miss the chance for what the article deems “self-expansion” because we are limited by our narrow perspective.

We have a friend whose wife loves to climb mountains. She is in great shape and it not only connects her with the Almighty, it re-energizes her when she goes for a quick climb (what most of us would call an arduous trek). Don’t ask me; I don’t get it. But I have observed how her husband learns from her – about awe, about pushing your limits, about recognizing your needs, about drawing nourishment from the beauty of nature. I see how the experience has become integrated into his sense of self.

I have another friend whose husband reads non-stop. Everything and anything interests him – trivial information (he’s great at those games) and profound, philosophical ideas. Her reading taste runs more to best-selling novels. But he shares his ideas with her and she learns from him. They discuss the questions raised by his reading, and, in so doing, grow together. I think their marriage would be considered “sustainable.”

I remember when I returned to school to get my Masters in Psychology. The students were a little young so the class discussions were not that stimulating but my husband and I discussed the concepts for hours. It aided him in his rabbinic duties and deepened our understanding of the human psyche and family dynamics. It wasn’t "my" thing; it was “ours” (which made it much easier when the bills for my student loans became due).

It may require a shifting of gears. Maybe you’re not used to discussing the details of your business life at home. Maybe you don’t usually share the experiences of your day. Maybe you talk about the chores and the children but not the newspaper article you read, the interesting person you met for lunch, or your unrealized goals. No detail is too small or too big. Once you begin, you will create a habit and you will both grow – not in information but in ways of being, in ways of looking at the world, in ways of understanding.

Having a “sustainable marriage” isn’t a very sexy goal, but the research cited by Ms. Pope suggests it’s a worthwhile one. My one bone to pick with her is that I don’t think what she’s describing is a ‘Me’ marriage after all.

About the Author

Emuna Braverman has a law degree from the University of Toronto and a Masters in in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Marriage and Family Therapy from Pepperdine University. She lives with her husband and nine children in Los Angeles where they both work for Aish HaTorah. When she isn''t writing for the Internet or taking care of her family, Emuna teaches classes on Judaism, organizes gourmet kosher cooking groups and hosts many Shabbos guests. She is the cofounder of www.gourmetkoshercooking.com.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 5

(4)
Bobby5000,
August 4, 2011 4:12 PM

Marriage is about us

As someone married for almost a quarter century, I agree the marriage has to about us, things you two enjoy which includes raising children,. You are happy when your spouse is happy. You try to make each other a better person. ideally your spouse provides help and love as we get through life's difficulties rather than more aggravation and problems.
Not everyone is in to "us", and this shows the importance of spending some time with a person before you get married, and why some older men set in their way may not be the best candidates.

(3)
Chana Siegel,
January 12, 2011 7:33 PM

Well, what is "me" anyway?

I read the article and had similar thoughts. But on the other hand, if being in a "mutual" marriage ultimately brings me more pleasure and satisfaction, isn't it ALSO for me? Not everything that is good for me is unpleasant.

(2)
Anonymous,
January 10, 2011 8:36 PM

How about mitzvah observance?

What do you do if you want to observe certain mitzvot and your husband just doesn't and it's related to Taharat Hamishpacha??

Anonymous,
April 17, 2012 11:17 PM

it can be done!

I've worked with couples on this very issue, and with mutual respect and compromise, a marriage can be navigated satisfactorily with one observant spouse, even with THM. Find the right openminded observant therapist- good luck!

(1)
Mark Gary Blumenthal, MD, MPH,
January 9, 2011 2:23 PM

The 'Me' Marriage is a Slippery Slope

IMHO, Ms. Tara Parker-Pope’s article, and the subsequent comments made in her blog, are half-right, and therein lies the problem.
Many of the commentators said that her article didn’t go ‘far enough’, or ‘who needs marriage at all’, or that her article is too friendly toward men to be consistent with ‘feminist theory’, or ‘who needs religion at all to bless marriages’.
As an observant Jewish man who has long supported every woman’s right to self-actualize and also to observe women’s mitzvot, I found many of the commentators to be ‘part of the problem, not part of the solution’ to our divorce epidemic.
Emuna Braverman has correctly identified the underlying truths that support a ‘we’ marriage, not a ‘me’ marriage or a ‘you’ marriage.
HaShem made men and women ‘the same but different’, and most observant Jewish men and women recognize this principle.
We have all seen marriages in which one partner or the other goes too far in the ‘me’ direction or the ‘you’ direction.
Only the ‘we’ direction is consistent with the purposes for which HaShem established the institution of marriage, and the differential capacities of men and women.
Mark Gary Blumenthal, MD, MPH

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My Christian friends are always speaking about “faith.” To me this sounds a lot like blind faith. Is that really the essence of religion?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I'm afraid that this is another case of a Christian concept being mis-associated with Judaism.

Let's first define our terms. What is faith?

Webster defines faith as "Belief without proof."

What is knowledge? "An acquaintance with truth, facts or principles through study or investigation."

Faith is usually a product of desire. Have you ever gotten a tip on the market that guarantees you're going to triple your money in a month? A lot of smart people have gotten fleeced because they ignored the evidence and went with their feelings.

Knowledge, on the other hand, is based on evidence. We know there's a place called China because we have too many products in our house saying "made in China." There's a lot of evidence for the existence of China, even though most of us have never been there.

Judaism unequivocally comes down on the side of knowledge, not faith. In Deuteronomy 4:39, the Torah says: "You shall know this day, and understand it well in your heart, that the Almighty is God; in the heaven above and the earth below, there is none other." (This verse is also contained in the prayer, "Aleynu.")

This verse tells us that it is not enough to simply know in your head, intellectually, that God is the Controller of everything. You must know it in your heart! This knowledge is much more profound than an intellectual knowledge. God gave us a brain because he wants us to think rationally about the world, our role in it, and our relationship with God.

A conviction based on desire or feelings alone has no place in Judaism. The Hebrew word "emunah," which is often translated as faith, does not describe a conviction based on feelings or desire. It describes a conviction that is based on evidence.

Once this knowledge is internalized, it effects how a person lives. A person with this knowledge could transform every breathing moment into a mitzvah, for he would do everything for the sake of the heaven. But this is not a "knowledge," that comes easily. Only intensive Torah learning and doing mitzvahs can achieve this knowledge. Every word of Torah we learn moves us just a little bit closer to that goal. And everyone is capable of that.

To learn more, read "The Knowing Heart," by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto (Feldheim.com). This entire book is an explanation of this verse!

In 350 BCE, the building of the second Holy Temple was completed in Jerusalem, as recorded in the biblical Book of Ezra (6:15). The re-building of the Temple had begun under Cyrus when the Persians first took over the Babylonian empire. The re-building was then interrupted for 18 years, and resumed with the blessing of Darius II, the Persian king whom is said to be the son of Esther. The Second Temple lacked much of the glory of the First Temple: There was no Ark of the Covenant, and the daily miracles and prophets were no longer part of the scenery. The Second Temple would stand for 420 years, before being destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE.

You shall know this day and consider it within your heart(Deuteronomy 4:39).

Business people who are involved in many transactions employ accountants to analyze their operations and to determine whether or not they are profitable. They may also seek the help of experts to determine which products are making money and which are losing. Such studies allow them to maximize their profits and minimize their losses. Without such data, they might be doing a great deal of business, but discover at the end of the year that their expenditures exceeded their earnings.

Sensible people give at least as much thought to the quality and achievement of their lives as they do to their businesses. Each asks himself, "Where am I going with my life? What am I doing that is of value? In what ways am I gaining and improving? And which practices should I increase, and which should I eliminate?"

Few people make such reckonings. Many of those that do, do so on their own, without consulting an expert's opinion. These same people would not think of being their own business analysts and accountants, and they readily pay large sums of money to engage highly qualified experts in these fields.

Jewish ethical works urge us to regularly undergo cheshbon hanefesh, a personal accounting. We would be foolish to approach this accounting of our very lives with any less seriousness than we do our business affairs. We should seek out the "spiritual C.P.A.s," those who have expertise in spiritual guidance, to help us in our analyses.

Today I shall...

look for competent guidance in doing a personal moral inventory and in planning my future.

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