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Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy "Worthless Treaty" Day

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Eat until you puke. It's your patriotic duty.

﻿ Thanksgiving is the holiday Americans use to say "fuck you" to the rest of the world. This time-honored tradition began with the betrayal of the Native American population of the time, and continues today with the open affront to the starving masses the world over. With widespread famine in Somalia so severe that some people are resorting to cannibalizing the dead, we celebrate excess by cramming food inside of other food, then eating ourselves into a coma.

I am not trying to imply that we should all feel deep regret and shame for the actions of our forefathers. Far from it. In fact, I believe that we need to gain perspective on the ample bounty of our country in the face of an uncertain economic future. Although many of us feel as though we have fallen on hard times we still have the resources to shove a chicken inside a duck, then inside a turkey, and eat until you nearly puke. Today my small family has three pies and a cake to supplement a spread of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, corn, broccoli, peas, cranberry sauce, and dinner rolls all slathered in thick turkey gravy. That's right, Somalia. Go fuck yourselves.

Thanksgiving is the most patriotic holiday of the year in my opinion. No other single day better represents the values and culture of this great country than this glutton's paradise. And before you go telling me that Christmas is the REAL American holiday because of it's christian and capitalist roots, I would like to remind you that tomorrow is the biggest shopping day of the year, and there is nothing more christian than displacing indigenous people and destroying their culture. And the only reason we don't do any shopping today is because the retail stores all have the good sense to remain closed in the anticipation of the inevitable inactivity of the gluttonous consumer base.

And with this in mind I would like to close by recognizing the true heroes of Thanksgiving, those brave few that will give their lives today in freak fried turkey fires and by choking on a hastily-chewed chunk of bird flesh. Those people paid the ultimate price to sustain the greedy traditions of the greatest country on earth. God bless you all.