Wednesday, August 14, 2013

It’s
one of the greatest traditions in all of sports, and one the biggest injury
risks I can think of. As many of you know, since the Lombardi era, Packers
players have been riding children’s bikes to practice. Since the Lombardi era,
Packers players have also been risking their careers on the hopes of thin metal
rod likely manufactured overseas.

All
bikes have a weight capacity. On 26” bikes, for instance, the average weight
limit is 250 pounds. Did you know the weight limit of Trek bikes is only 275
pounds? This begins to question the general common sense of some of pairings of
player and bike.

Let’s
imagine a scenario when little Jane VandeHey, a 3rdgrader fromHighlands Elementaryin Appleton, brings her Dora the
Explorer bike to training camp with one goal in mind – that her favorite
player, Josh Sitton, will ride it during practice. There’s only one problem:
Jane VandeHey is 42 pounds, and Josh Sitton is well over 3 bills. Well, being
the good sport that he is, Josh gladly obliges the young girl’s request and
sits on her bike – WHICH IMMEDIATELY CRUSHES UNDER THE WEIGHT OF AN NFL LINEMAN!

The
bike rods contort awkwardly from the immense pressure, sending a spear-like
aluminum rod straight through Josh’s thigh, ruining his career. The chain is
jolted off the sprocket and flies through the air off into the crowd like a
metal flying death, striking the Grand Poobah of the Pewaukee Packer Backers in
the jugular. Women and children scream at the horror. Josh Sitton holds his
leg, wailing in agony, while unsuspecting paramedics get the unexpected call.

It’s
Josh’s fault and it’s little Jane VandeHey’s fault. In fact, it’s all of our
faults for not recognizing that, generally speaking, human giants should not
ride atop bikes adorn with cartoons. From now on, I want these bike rides
regulated by the natural pairing of a bike’s and player’s size. Backs,
Receivers, Kickers, Speedsters, Gunners, Streakers, Blasters, and those under
225, congrats, you have free reign on everything from BMX to Treks. Offensive
and Defensive lineman, stick to the mountain bikes. And everyone in between,
just use common sense. I think you’ll agree that we’ve had enough preseason
injuries.

In the interest of safety, if not in the interest of
coolness, maybe some of the players might consider riding one of these:

If you look
at thespecifications,
this bike-thingy is rated up to 880 lbs. That means BJ Raji (337) and Ryan
Pickett (338) could ride comfortably, and more importantly, safely, and
still have enough structural soundness to give DuJuan Harris
(203) a lift.

Not to cause further alarm, but in addition to the weight specs
of bicycles, there is also an ever-present risk of head injury from biking
accidents. According to theCenter for
Head Injury Services, 85% of head injuries while biking could be
prevented by wearing a helmet. Helmets are standard issue for all NFL players.
In fact, as you may or may not know, they are actually required to wear
them.

Friday, August 2, 2013

In 7th grade, Matt Nackers had a big reveal for
the 12-year-old boys at the lunch table – whilst checking box scores in the paper
the night before, he found an ad for free trial of Playboy television. All you
had to do was call your cable company, mention the ad and Playboy would be yours
during for 24 glorious hours starting TONIGHT.

The thought of scrambled TV on forbidden Channel 99 coming
in crystal clear was a thought too amazing to fathom. (This was pre-Internet,
people, so those born before 1987 might actually understand the reference.) And
therefore, as immature middle-school boys, we geeked out for a good 2-3 minutes
before re-conversing.

“This will NEVER work!” someone said.

“Oh, but it already HAS…,” Matt reassured them. “I called
last night and pretended to be my dad. They TOTALLY BOUGHT IT!”

Another milder, yet equally intense geek out. It was
settled: each of us would follow in Matt’s pioneering footsteps and have a
childhood fantasy come true.

My conversation went something like: “Hello, I’m calling
about this (sweet) deal for free Playboy I saw in the paper / Haha, of course I’m
over 18! / Great, so it’s all settled then? / You also have a nice day. / YES!”

I waited on pins and needs as my parents went to bed to
sneak downstairs and turn on the TV. It fricken worked. Unreal. The only thing
I could compare that initial moment to is this scene in Animal House:

OK, so the free trial turned out to be a much tamer/stranger version I
what I was hoping for, including a rather lengthy, unexpected montage of LaToya
Jackson dancing around and some weird interviews with a non-attractive swinger
group. Even then, I was like, “Really?” It actually got boring and I went to bed. But STILL, I had gotten away with it
and it’s all we could talk about the next day at school. “Yeah, that one lady did
look like Matt’s mom!” LOLOLOLOL.

I know what you’re saying: “Great anecdote, Robert. It was
mildly amusing and perhaps little too long, but what the hell does this have to
do with the Packers?” Well, kind reader, as the post title suggests, that was
nice, but I believe this season will be much better.

Truth be told: I’m insanely optimistic heading into each
season – this is true for most of my teams. Hell, I even thought the Bucks
could put something together. But I see a lot that gives me reason to feel this
way.

I see a secondary filled with competition and players ready
to assume leadership roles.

I see a dynamic running game brewing unlike anything I can
remember.

I see key guys on defense returning from injury and fresh
talent that will get newfound pressure on the QB.

I see a three talented wideouts and a tight end who would not
shock anyone by having Pro Bowl years.

I see the premier NFL quarterback at the top of his game who
hears your lofty expectations and throws them back in your face, saying, “YOU
KNOW NOT WHAT I EXPECT OF MYSELF!”

Most of all, I see a team with a collective chip on its
shoulder and some unfinished business that it is more than capable of closing
out with glorious proficiency.

Get on the wagon, Packer fans, because despite the doubters, I for one believe it’s going to be one sweet
ride in 2013. In fact, I’d go as far as saying this season will be at LEAST ten
times better than a late 80’s LaToya Jackson in a nightie.

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