Thursday, December 23, 2010

Mood:Fat
Thank you all for the inspiring comments.
Posted twice yesterday after one too many glasses of wine, hope I'm not too annoying flooding your dashboards.
I'm definitely cutting my hair, I'm just a bit nervous about going to a salon and having someone touch my hair. The state that it's in, I don't know how to explain why its falling out?
Maybe I should think of a lie, stress? genetics? idk.
After one too many post and glasses of wine last night, I decided to go to bed. The strangest thing happened to me this morning, woke up in sheer panic!
I had an awful nightmare that I continued to binge all through the night and fell straight asleep no purging..
It was just a dream thank god.
So today I've been in a state of blah, the strange sudden sadness comes and goes. I don't understand the mood swings I hate not feeling what I'm supposed to at the proper time.
In between all of this I've been b/p and getting the Christmas Dinner marinating for the big day.
This big 18lb pork shoulder will be bathing in a seasoned aluminum tray until Saturday. I'll then pop it into the oven at 6am and let it roast for hours on end. My husband keeps talking about how wonderful this will taste and how he can't wait to eat it. I'm thinking about how awful it will feel bringing all that meat up and how many times I'll be doing so.

My weight is still at 111 and creeping up to 112 I think.
This Judas body of mines is making me wanna give up. Why is losing so hard now?
Why is b/p so easy. This morning in desperation took a diet pill; bone head move, later on I had horrible chest pains and jitters, I still binged and was scared to death to go purge, yet once I started it, that was it-auto pilot!
Now, countless binges still I keep going.
I'm tired of this already, so frustrating. I want this dumb holiday to be over with too, bah humbug, I'm going to fling fruitcakes at someone if something doesn't change soon.
Now I've wasted the day, haven't worked out at all. Unsure if I should finish the rest of the wine, drown my sorrows?
I had to go to the store earlier, I didn't even want to be seen to be honest.
Every time someone sees me now, they comment on my weight loss and tell me don't lose anymore, or they've seen me already and ask what am I doing?
I get mixed feelings about my weight now, sometimes I feel great and then there are times where I feel shame and embarrassment?
I don't know if that's normal or just me. Now I have to cut my hair again, and I know the comments will come too, Why did you cut it, or blah blah blah-random comment.
Really triggered today, really down and sad. I'm being too hard on myself.
I'm just not used to this, to the person in the mirror, I'm not comfortable at this weight. I want it gone, I want it all gone.

So now I'm opening corked wine from last night and I'm going to finish this, I wanted to lax but I guess I'll wait till after the holiday is over, I'll be b/p big time that day so why waste perfectly good lax.
I'm done with today's binges, my husband just phoned and he is on his way home from work bringing me Fried Ravioli's and Mozzarella sticks. He keeps trying to fatten me up.
I had to wash dishes and clean in addition to purging in mere minutes. My hands are shaking now and I feel like I've been running a marathon my heart is beating so fast.
I lost count of how many times I went at it today, I hate when that happens.
Disposed of all evidence possible, even took out the overflowing trash bin.
My knuckle is raw again, keep scrapping the same dam spot open grr.
Its the ugliest scar on my hand, I hate it.
My friend asked me today if i am going to tell my therapist about the Ed, the truth is I may not have to, I think someone in that line of work could take a look at me and tell. The signs are all there if you know what to look for.
I need everything else under my hood checked out first and treated before I spring the Oh yea by the way, I have one of those things, what do you call it? Ah yes an Eating Disorder; confession on the doc.
I don't want them to just focus on disorder and blame that for everything else instead of the other way around. I want to get better not more complicated.
One bridge at a time.
The wine hits me like so quickly, I need a cigarette now.
I'll just try to unwind now and let the night come to a close, the blunders and calories are all mistakes that I will file away and deal with tomorrow.
Tonight no more, please no more.

2
comments:

Ugh I hate ed related dreams, I get so freaked out & try to figure out what it meant & psych myself out!

Sounds like you're going to be busy cooking tons for christmas! I wish I knew how to cook well, but then again I don't or I'd probably never stop eating hehe!

I hate getting places on my knuckles:( it's so embarrassing, especially when people comment on them.

Maybe you should confess to your therapist? Even if you think all the signs are there & they should be able to tell they usually can't or if they can they aren't just going to come out & say it. You gotta remember people with eating disorders are very manipulative in most situations, so when you see your therapist you may hide it much more than you think... if you opened up about your eating disorder it may help your progress in therapy better? Idk, just a thought... I could be totally wrong lol

Anyways, I hope you have a great Christmas. Try to enjoy the day and not spend the whole day in front of the porcelain gods:p.

sadly i don't have any pills. any nothing is open until monday D= !i'm planning a fast after christmas, and i'm remembering these pills you were talking about in a post ages ago that help you go to the bathroom... i forget what they're called. starting with M? or have something in them starting with M. anyway if you know what i'm talking about that would be awesome XDbinging dreams are horrible, i hope they don't recur for you.i hope you have a good Christmas, and santa get's you everything you wanted :)x