How to Bake a Cake – by Kaelyn

Step 1: When Mommy comes home, show her how hurt your feelings are by crying miserably. Forget that nonsense about "big girls don't cry." All the big kids went across the street to play and you're too little to go. They left you at home with no one to play with. Boohoo.

Step 2: When Mommy asks if you want to do something fun (just the two of you), nod somberly, then wipe away your tears and sniff back the snot. When she asks if you'd like to bake a cake, lose your mind and cheer wildly.

Step 3: Help Mommy search for an easy cake recipe using the keywords EASY CAKE RECIPE. Type in the letters when she spells them to you.

Step 4: Drag out the big tubs of sugar and flour from Daddy's cookie stuff. Get the big bowls from the cabinet.

Step 5: Tell your mom to take pictures of you making the cake.

Step 6: Cream together a stick of butter and a cup of sugar. This is tough, so when your brother asks if he can help, tell him he can even though he left you stranded in the house. Stir in 2 tsp vanilla. We didn't have anymore vanilla so we used almond extract instead. Because we're creative like that.

Step 7: Mix in two eggs. One for you and one for your brother.

Step 8: In a different bowl, mix 1 1/2 cups of flour and 1 3/4 tsp baking powder. Then little by little, add it to the other bowl. Make your bucket-headed older brother do all the mixing and you be in charge of the dumping. Add 1 cup of milk. Make your brother mix until his arm is ready to fall off and the batter is all blended.Step 9: Choose the Bundt thingy when your mom tells you to get a cake pan. Strike a pose.

Step 10: Ask your mom if you can mix in some chocolate chips because you really, REALLY like chocolate chips. Go get Daddy's big tub of chocolate chips when she says you can. Mix in 1 cup of chips while your brother greases and flours the pan.Step 11: Question your brother's sanity when he makes crazy faces as he pours the batter in the pan. Get flour all over your face, too. That's important. You're too little, your brother is clumsy, and the oven is hot, so let your mom put the cake in the oven.Step 12: Taste test the batter. Salmonella, be damned.

Step 13: Watch the cake bake at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.Step 14: A watched cake never bakes (or so Mommy says), so pass the time encouraging teenage anarchy and young adult promiscuity:

Step 15: Watch the cake. Eat dinner. Watch the cake. Tell your mom that you're finished eating. Watch the cake. Go back to your seat to eat three more pieces of broccoli. Watch the cake. Ask if the cake is done yet. It's not done yet. Watch the cake. Take a bath – a quick one, you can go back and watch the cake.

Step 16: It's DONE! Wait for it to cool. Read a Skippyjon Jones book with your mom while you wait. Wait for her to cut it, then finally,

Hello.
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