Vegans, you don’t have to worry about contracting “vegan face”

Hold back from running to your closest mirror or poking at your jowls; this is just another anti-vegan piece of propaganda to laugh off.

The Standard is up to their old ways, and have helped a spa called the Face Gym sling new derogatory claims about the impact veganism has on all those who dare try it. Apparently, protein deficiencies shouldn’t only have us fearing being scrawny or dead, it leads to a lacklustre face that is dry, sallow and flaky. Forget the justice for animals or the health of our internal organs, giving up animal products is just signing up for a saggy face.

So we’re presented with two ways to avoid being called ‘vegan face’; either ingest a rack of ribs as soon as possible, or go in for a treatment. Founder of the Face Gym, Inge Theron, promises she’s a huge advocate of the vegan movement, but obviously is a much bigger advocate for collagen, elastin, and the taught youthfulness our patriarchal society deems attractive.

Theron, in her infinite wisdom on vegan health, recommends vegan take supplementing seriously and hopes we ignore her overuse of the word bespoke. And in case you’re planning on taking her up on her ridiculous treatment, The Vegan Face facial combines radio frequency treatment, exfoliants, a deep cleanse, a massage, and some unwarranted and incorrect nutrition counselling to make sure you maintain your face for years to come.

Perhaps it’s not all for naught, because the amount of laughing I’ve done to get through this article surely counts for a free workout not only to my glowing vegan face, but to my vegan abdominals. Maybe The Standard and the Face Gym should put down the weights for a moment and pick up a book, so they can learn that there’s more than enough protein in the world without the need for exploiting animals. Vegans have nothing to worry about when it comes to their looks, or this latest chapter in the anti-vegan agenda.