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Tourists dodge bullets in shoot-out

By Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Tiger Woods played golf with President Obama last week and afterwards praised his golf game at a press conference. That’s the consensus. Every PGA pro who’s played with President Obama says he’s a pretty good golfer for a guy who plays only seven days a week.

Los Angeles became the first major city in the nation Thursday to synchronize all its traffic lights to keep traffic flowing. It’s just great. You can now drive from downtown all the way to the beach without stopping if everybody types 28 words a minute.

Google consumer-tested augmented-reality eyeglasses with tiny mounted cameras that record eveything you see. The glasses also double as an iPhone. It’s the most technologically advanced way ever devised for a person to walk out into traffic and die.

The Academy Awards ceremony will air live on ABC on Sunday from the Nokia Theater on Hollywood. The network vowed to do everything they can to hold down production costs. They got a really good deal on the red carpet from the good people at Carnival Cruise.

President Obama warned Friday the Pentagon will be gutted and cops will be laid off and air traffic controllers will be fired if the sequester cuts occur. He’s sweating. The last time a Democratic president cut spending it required an atomic bomb and de-mobilization.

New Mexico former senator Pete Domenici admitted he fathered a secret child 30 years ago with the daughter of his friend Sen. Paul Laxalt of Nevada. The daughter became a lobbyist. During their role-playing in bed, they’d take turns playing the taxpayer.

Las Vegas tourists ducked bullets during a wild shootout Thursday between a Range Rover and a Maserati on the Las Vegas Strip. It was utter chaos. Californians were seen fleeing their exploding rental cars on the side of the road vowing never to go propane again.

South Africa’s legless Olympic star known as Bladerunner Oscar Pistorius attended his bail hearing Tuesday after he killed his girlfriend. The judge is thinking it over. Oscar Pistorius could be ruled a flight risk if his leg blades are convertible into propellers.

The NFL’s annual rookie combine will take place this week in Indianapolis at Lucas Oil Stadium. The rookies are evaluated for the speed, agility and quickness needed to survive in the NFL. Last year three potential draftees flunked out when the lamps hit them.

Florida Atlantic University announced the corporate sponsor of its foootball stadium will be the nation’s largest operator of for-profit prisons. It gets worse. As if the kids needed even more reminders to behave, first downs will be measured by real chain gangs.

The Auto Club said gas prices hit four bucks a gallon in California. Bus transportation is not an option for most Americans. If Rosa Parks were trying to get a seat at the front of the bus today, she’d have to ask in Spanish or she’d never make it into the history books.

San Diego former mayor Maureen O’Connor told prosecutors she gambled away $1 billion she inherited from her late husband playing video poker. It’s addicting. The night at her house when the ambulance arrived with flashing lights to pick up her husband’s body, she just assumed that somebody hit a five of a kind a few machines away.

Tim Tebow canceled a speech at the First Baptist Church in Dallas in April when the pastor’s comments about Barack Obama surfaced. Last year he warned that Obama’s re-election would summon the forces of the Anti-Christ. In Texas the Anti-Christ means the Washington Redskins or Oklahoma Sooners depending on whether it’s Saturday or Sunday.