The foodisthebestshitever Christmas address

The foodisthebestshitever Christmas address. Yeah, just like the pope except with less robes…

Christmas

Now (yeah I can feel a soapbox rant coming on), I don’t care who invented Christmas. I don’t care if it was a product of the coca-cola company, or if Santa was created by carnies who needed to give themselves a better job outlook as elves, or if’s it’s just so the white trash kids have someone other than their parents to blame when they get a VB trucker cap instead of the latest Ninjago Lego (if you don’t have small children, chances are you will not know what Ninjago is. But trust me, it rocks). I tip my cap to whomever it was (maybe God? I didn’t pay a heap of attention at Sunday school but I defo remember some talk about Christmas and Jesus and things of the such) who decided Christmas would be the premium event of the year. There is not a single thing I don’t love about the day. The yuletide cheer, the love, the celebration! Even in the hospitality industry, which is relentless in it’s ignorance of public holidays, family time and normal personalities, we have Christmas off. I’m sure there are places out there that still open Christmas day but I think they are a totally different level of hospitality again. They are what the giant squid is to the frozen, pre-crumbed, over processed squid rings you get at the budget fish and chip shop. What the monster truck is to the mini coupe. What an average sized human is to the carnie… did I make a point? I think so… They are a bigger man than I, that’s for sure.

Christmas is what you make of it.

apparently for some families this is the time of year to get effing freaky n shit. I would have saved this one for Halloween maybe, but each to their own…

For me it is about;
1. Being woken up by the kids at or before 6am (but 6am at the very latest) to open presents that may or may not have been distributed by a fat man with a big white beard who has been in my house, sniffing my knickers, without the dogs so much as letting off a yap.
2. Spending the day with friends and family, and calling those that are not within shouting range.
3. Breakfast in the pool. Christmas breakfast has been the same for me for the last 6 years; At least one Bloody Mary, possibly two (there has not been a Christmas in the last 6 year that I haven’t had a Bloody Mary in the pool. Even the year before last when we had freak storms for five days straight. Plenty of board games going on, but cocktails in the pool as well). The day is mine from here…
4. Eat more food than a man should consume in a day. A big lunch and then some more for dinner. Prawns are a must (I literally spend the month leading up to Christmas peeling 10-15kg of prawns a week at work so I am the finest prawn peeler on the block. This is not a joke), roast pork, glazed ham, goose or duck, fresh oysters, salads, roast vegetables and heaps more… the funny thing about eating all day is by the time 9 o’clock comes around (usually at about 9pm) I find I have eaten myself almost completely sober. It doesn’t matter that I have drunk a bottle of vodka and at least half a carton of beer. I have memories of feeling a bit tipsy around 2pm. But by 9pm… nothing.
5. Play Pictionary with whoever is left after the kids go to bed. I don’t know how or why, but it’s just one of those things we do…

That’s my Christmas in a nut shell. Each one planned a year ahead, off the same blueprint as the last. It is the one day of the year that I know what I will be doing for sure… Photo’s will follow but you’ll have to wait until after Christmas eh.