Don’t you love it when corporations pretend to listen to criticism, act like they care about the concerns of consumers, make empty promises? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

In light of all the flak that Procter & Gamble has received in response to our previous entry about plastic in Crest toothpaste that has seen a GINORMOUS readership (thank you to all the hygienists who have been alarmed and continue to share the story!) I thought it might be fun to imagine what the company REALLY would like to say to all of us who are creating a nuisance for them.

Here you go again, making a big deal out of nothing. We’re not ignoring the fact that you exist this time, and apparently in our marketing efforts we should have. As an example, here’s the latest Crest TV ad that you’re complaining about:

What is your F*&#ing problem? The actress says her hygienist is awesome, right? Look, we’re agreeing with so many of you who think your dentist is an idiot because they can’t tell whether or not patients have even had their teeth cleaned yet. What’s so insulting about that? Yet over and over, we get requests to take this off the air. Not gonna happen. We have too much money invested in this product line and these advertising spots to worry about what a bunch of worthless tooth-scrapers think.

Yes, I called you a tooth scraper. That’s what we think of you. Your purpose in life is to nag and torment patients. And you whine and complain when we try to OUT YOU for who you really are! We spent more than your lifetime earnings warning consumers about your evil ways with magazine ads like this one:

So what if we get constant complaints that the ingredients in the Pro-Health products actually contribute to stain and require MORE scraping?

Since we’re big and organized, and you are small and diffuse, you can share photos like this one all you want, but it won’t matter. You don’t have the resources to keep Procter & Gamble from increasing the bottom line for our stakeholders. Maybe it’s just all one sick joke that we’re pulling over on patients and hygienists alike. Naw, that would be over the top. The truth is that we really don’t give a $h!† what you think.

Which brings us to this latest overreaction of yours. Hello? There’s plastic in EVERYTHING! What’s the problem with pretty polyethylene confetti in toothpaste? After all, if your patients swallow it, just tell them to poop. It’ll go away, like fiber. That’s our official line. Plastic is the same as dietary fiber!

When we tested our latest toothpastes, you know, the ones with the new, vibrant names? Be Adventurous? Be Inspired? Be Dynamic? We had many focus groups try the products and they loved them. No one even questioned the plastic. Granted, we didn’t actually tell the users what it was, but since none of them were crunchy granola tree-huggers we didn’t figure they would care. The brown, green, and yellow specks are an important part of the “total product experience.” We want our stakeholders to be happy, and they like the way the unique colors give the toothpaste an exciting aura. It’s all about the feeling, you know.

And those specks getting stuck under the gums? Well, honey, it’s your word against ours. We have study after study that proves that plastic doesn’t harm us. Even though the FDA doesn’t specifically approve plastic in toothpaste, it doesn’t ban it either. So there. Just deal with it until we re-tool the plastic-speck-making machine. We’re planning on replacing the plastic with a suitable alternative, that’s what we’ve told you, but it’s on our own timetable. Bottom line, you can push and push, but there is NO WAY IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL THAT WE WILL BE REMOVING ANY TOOTHPASTE FROM RETAIL SHELVES.

Now back the F*#% off. You have no idea who you are dealing with.

Sincerely,
Dr. Smiley McHappypants, DDS

In reality, Procter and Gamble has not yet released an official statement about the plastic, but they have been quietly assuaging fears on an individual basis and have informed Crest representatives to state that their products are safe. As for me? I still can’t find a compelling reason to ignore polyethylene when I am still finding it in patient’s gumlines, and have now seen reports from HUNDREDS of dental hygienists who are just now “connecting the dots.”

And sometimes, well sometimes you just have to connect all the dots by melting them down into masses of brown stuff that smell like scorched Wal-Mart bags:

There are people that claim they are advocates of stuff; they partake in advocate-y types of things without much credence to back up their statements. Then again, there are those who are dedicated to the continuing awesomeness of support to an idea; a cause; or a spectacular organization of professionals.

Dental hygienists are pretty much the awesomeness I was referring to. Kneel when you approach.

I’m proud to introduce Mark Hartley, editor of RDH Magazine and overall good guy, to the DentalBuzz audience.

MH: I was basically a flunky for RDH throughout most of the 1980s and early 1990s. Did proofreading, subbed in for editors when they were on vacation or on the road. In 1995, PennWell acquired RDH and asked me to help with the transition. I must have done all right, because the company asked me to stay on as the editor. So I have been the editor since 1995.

DB: A flunky- I love it. How have your opinions evolved regarding the dental hygiene industry over the course of sixteen years with RDH Magazine?

MH: I think I recognized that hygienists such as Irene Woodall, Regina Dreyer, Trisha O’Hehir, etc., were part of a second generation of leaders, guiding the profession to where it is today. But I don’t think I had a full appreciation of it until I became the editor. I have always encouraged hygienists to express themselves as writers, and I think the magazine fortunately has witnessed that during the past 16 years.

There have been some terrific writers over the past 16 years. If I may so, you’re a proud member of the current generation. On another front, manufacturers have always supported the ADHA and RDH magazines throughout the years. But I think we have actually observed them being actively engaged with the profession. RDH Under One Roof is one example of it. Another example is the career growths of dental hygienists who embarked on second careers with corporations. They used to be just “professional educators,” sent out to the state hygiene meetings to do seminars. But all of the major dental corporations now have dental hygienists in key positions, and they are profoundly influencing the relationship between manufacturers and dental hygienists.

DB: RDH Magazine is an outstanding vehicle for hygienists to stamp vital opinions in. Have you seen an increase in dentist support for the publication during the years? Or is the current consensus from dentists the ever-present, “Dental hygiene? It’s not rocket science. Any schmuck can clean teeth.”?

MH: We did a survey last April where 103 dental hygienists commented on the politics of the relationship between the two professions. Interestingly, 57% said their boss would vote in favor of dental hygiene to enhance patient care if a state board asked the hygienist’s employer to cast the deciding vote. We also asked who was the most supportive person in a dental office. “Dentists” was the largest response at 38%. That, of course, is not a majority. But the next highest percentage was “no one” at 21%, followed by 17% who indicated a front office person was the most supportive. So, hygienists are naturally, very offended by derogatory attitudes on the political level. On a personal career level, it’s a different story.

DB: You know what would be great? A national game of ‘Capture the Flag’ between RDHs and dentists. Only the youngest, fittest, and newly-licensed hygienists hungry for jobs would represent our side while the dentist team would have the most burnt-out, crotchety, old-men with a penchant for thirty-minute prophylaxes screaming, “Off sides! Those hygienists are off sides!” when, all along, the dentists just got frustrated because they know the RDHs were much better at capturing their flag. I would definitely watch that game.

MH: Well, I’d hate to see myself as a cheerleader. I think the spectators would be thoroughly depressed with that image. On the other hand, we recently did a rate-uniform-scrubs survey; it was sort of a Project Runway voting on dental uniforms. One person wrote in to say she would like to see me in one of those scrub tops. I guess I could bite the bullet for the home team.

DB: Yeah, baby! Just please let the scrub top be of a solid color. The unsettling vision of you sporting a Betty-Boop printed scrub top is not quite the lasting impression the fans need to see. Know what I mean?

MH: Absolutely. Even the three dogs who own me would howl mournfully, long into the night.

It takes an exceptional person to admit their limitations in the arena of dental scrub top fashion. There are only so many horrific prints our eyes can handle.

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DentalBuzz explores rising trends in dentistry with its own slant. The speed at which new products and ideas enter the dental field can often outpace our ability to understand just exactly the direction in which we are heading. But somehow, by being a little less serious about dentistry and dental care, we might get closer to making sense of it all.

So yeah, a tongue-in-cheek pun would fit really nicely here, but that would be in bad taste. Never mind, it just happened anyways. Stop reading sidebars already and click on some content instead.

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