This — this! — is the worst type of government corruption, the kind that I thought had been hoped and changed out in November. Because even though the Power ordered the bobbleheads from an "unknown country," they were held up in U.S. Customs and Border Protection for nine days. Do you know how much President Obama did in nine days? A lot! And it's unjust not to allow his bobbleheads to do the same. This is America, after all.

The Power, consequently, had no idea what to do, so they called the White House. No dice. And just before shit got real weird, the team learned yesterday that the dolls had been released from detention, even if they likely won't make it for tonight's scheduled giveaway to underscore the night's theme of "fitness and a healthy lifestyle." To compensate, the first 1,000 fans instead will get "golden tickets" — they're actually called that — and, in addition to a detained bottlehead that may or may not have been tortured in captivity, will receive snozberries, everlasting gobstoppers and an Oompa-Loompa.