The Secret to Breaking Through The Annoying Fights You Always Have

You bring home the bacon, bread, and every other food group, and earning less is starting to wear on his self-esteem. "He may feel like less of a man," says Farnoosh Torabi, author of When She Makes More. Especially if you don't think that's true, it's important to help change your husband's perception. "Allow the money he does contribute to have meaning. As the primary provider, most of your income supports day-to-day household necessities. Funnel his money toward something significant—like the family vacation you're planning or your child's college fund—so he understands that he's still responsible for helping to pay for what's important to your family." Changing the ratio of your incomes may not be in the cards, but you can work to feel like a team now.

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2. The you-like-your-CrossFit-instructor-more-than-me fight

The good news is that for the first time since your wedding, your husband's starting to show signs of a six-pack. But in order to get fit, he's spending every spare minute at the gym and it's seriously cutting into the amount of time you spend together. "His new behavior is revealing something—whether it's that he doesn't feel attractive, that he's stressed-out, or even that he's mad at you," says Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D., author of Kiss Your Fights Goodbye. "Complaining will only make him withdraw more, so instead, have an open conversation to figure out what's driving him to the gym. If it turns out that he really just wants to be healthier, express that you support his efforts but also miss him and want to find a way that he can work out without sacrificing your together time." And if you do uncover something bigger but can't arrive at a solution, consider scheduling a session with a marriage counselor, who can offer personalized advice.

3. The pick-up-after-yourself fight

When it was just the two of you and he "forgot" to empty the dishwasher, you let it go, but now that kids are part of the picture, you've gotten tired of including your husband on the list of people you pick up after. However, the worst thing you can do is nag him, says Turndorf. "If you do, he'll become so annoyed that he won't help you. Instead, ask your husband for his input on finding a way to divide the household tasks. Most men like to be problem-solvers, and seeking his help with a solution takes you out of the maternal, taskmaster role and him out of the little boy role so you can become equal partners again."

4. The love-affair-with-Siri fight

It's perfectly normal for him to want to unwind at the end of day, and for many people, that means seeing what Stephen Colbert has tweeted. But if your husband can barely cuddle while you're watching a movie because he needs to keep one hand free to scroll through his Facebook news feed, you may have a problem. "People use social media as a way to stroke their egos," says Charles Orlando, relationship expert and author of The Problem with Women... is Men. "If your husband is using the number of likes his punny posts get as a major confidence-booster, it could mean that he feels like his emotional needs aren't being met at home. Start by suggesting one day a week during which you don't touch your phones—unless, of course, you're away from your kids and need to be accessible in case of an emergency. During that time, ask him questions and really pay attention to what he has to say."

5. The romance-is-dead fight

If the only notes he leaves you now are reminders to pick up toothpaste and he hasn't bought you flowers since Valentine's Day 2012, it's easy to see why you feel like a lull in spontaneous bursts of affection are a reflection on how much he cares about you. Instead of ending your texts to him with a sunflower emoji in hopes that he'll get the hint to come home with a bouquet, speak up. "Say that you want to feel more connected to him, and that for you, those little trinkets validate that he's thinking about you for longer than the amount of time that it takes to send a text," says Tonilyn Hornung, author of How to Raise a Husband. If that doesn't work, forward him an email about Bouqs, a service that lets you schedule "surprise" flower deliveries in advance.

6. The you've-gotta-let-go-of-the-apron-strings fight

You've always known that your husband is attached to his mother, but now that you're busy juggling jobs and a family, sharing your rare free time with her has become a bigger issue. "Your husband has to want to make a change," says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great. "You can nag him all you want to cancel plans with his mom, but he'll only shift the dynamic when he's ready. If you don't give him time to distance himself on his own terms, you risk him resenting you." Still, there's nothing wrong with expressing that you feel second-rate—and don't like it. But if it turns into a fight, bow out quickly. "Make sure you exit the conversation as soon as you find yourself saying something really rude or demeaning," says Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger. "If you do, offer a sincere apology and take responsibility for your part in the fight getting out of hand."