If you’re offended while reading this letter… then I have succeeded in my task –kr

Be warned, for I am about to open up a can of….

Thanks to Kazim for the picture

From the desk of Kamran Riaz, future Overlord of the West and Emperor of the World

Dear Pakistanis and Hyderabadis:

May this letter find you in the best of health and Iman. I have more doubts in the former than the latter since your collective dietary habits are atrocious. Your nihari and haleem are not edible food items; they ought to be sold as industrial lubricants and machine cleaner instead.

Let’s get down to business shall we? I think it’s time that you all realized what complete buffoons you are when you show your undying love for your places of origin. Nothing wrong in loving your homeland, but it’s getting pretty ridiculous for American-born Paki/Hydros to pretend that they’ve been holding it down on the streets of Rawalpindi and hanging out at the Char Minar their entire lives.

Thank God that I’m not from either of these places. What frustrates and drives me insane is when one of you asks me if I’m from Pakistan or Hyderabad… as if those are the only two places in the subcontinent that a person could have come from.

I don’t understand how you Pakistanis have so much pride in your country. Even the word “Pakistan”, which contains the word “paak” (clean) in it, is an ironic misnomer since considering the physical, political, and social state of that country, they oughta rename it to “Ghaleezistan”. Congratulations, you all started the only country that was meant to be a true Islamic state… and my my, how far we’ve fallen from that Iqbalian ideal. I won’t even take a shot at the current government regime… but I do wonder if there’s a competition in who can be America’s lackey between the Pakis and the Saudis… not sure who’s winning that battle. MAAAAshallah on your “wonderful” achievement of gaining the ability to produce and deliver nuclear weapons. It was quite amusing to see local Pakistanis talk about it at parties and social events as if the Muslim ummah had now just regained control of the West Bank. Aray bhai, can’t you see, we hawwwe the noookleear paawar now? Actually, I don’t see how that’s something to be proud of: to have the ability to annihilate millions of people in a matter of seconds… I don’t know, maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think that’s something that I’d spend even two seconds on patting myself on the back as celebration. I find it scary for a country to possess 21st century warfare technology yet still be entrenched in prehistoric morality. But nowww if those bloody Indians fire on us, veee’ll fire back! Yeah, and you’ll wipe each other out in a grand display of smoke and colors in a matter of minutes, you blockheads.

Face it, your country sucks. I’ve only listed out a few of the problems: I haven’t even gone into the rampant crimes/industries of sex, drugs, gambling, etc., that plague your country and no one seems to care about correcting… of course not, you’re too giddy from your great cricket victory over India. Big deal. If India won… big freakin deal. It’s cricket… no one cares about cricket in America, so just cause your relatives back home missed work for a week to watch cricket (and you stayed up all night at your local restaurants to watch it), doesn’t mean you had even the least bit to do with the victory.

And why do you have to parade like a bunch of fools in the middle of summer on Devon to celebrate Pakistan Day or whatever? What are you celebrating? What you all oughta do instead is go around and ask for everyone’s forgiveness for creating Pakistan, inventing that heart-attack-in-a-bagona (nihari), and allowing a woman leader (Benazir Bhutto) to rob your country blind. For all you Pakistanis that are so proud of being from Pakistan and want to have nothing to do with India: go ask your grandparents what country they came from…

As for you Hydros… who might have been reading this until now and are probably laughing, thinking you’re off the hook….

You’re just as guilty of this buffoonery as the Pakistanis. Your undying love for Hyderabad is pathetic… even more ridiculous is how every Hydro seems to be directly related to every other Hydro… in the world. It’s funny (and even sad) how you all buy a family ticket for fundraising dinners… and then bring your entire khandaan of 47 people on that one ticket. Why does everyone of you wear the same black sherwani/white pyjama combination to every function? Doesn’t anyone have a different color?

Hey, and that Urdu you speak… in the words of Dave Chappelle, “I can’t understand the words that are comin’ outta your mouth.” How is it possible for every single Hydro to be “Syed” or “something-uddin”? Who or what is a Gol Kunda? It sounds like a term you’d use to curse someone out: “Vhy you bloody Gol Kunda…”

You all ought to seek forgiveness from the rest of humanity for concocting that vile industrial waste material that you’ve titled “mirchi ka salan”… last Saturday, we were at an event and my mom gave me some food to take home in a box… little did I know that MKS was in that box, and the damn container opened up and spilled in the box… so not that bad right, at least the MKS is spilled only in the box… wrong. I thought that the Geneva Convention banned the use of chemical weapons, but this “stench” is still in my trunk, despite the aggressive therapy of fanning it and liberally using Febreeze and Glade air freshener. The MKS was in a small foam cup; how can that little salan create that much of an odor? Blast you Hydros for stinking up my car!

In short, pretty much all the things I bashed on the Pakistanis apply to you as well… at least you take solace that the Pakis outdo you in terms of idiocy in one matter since there’s no Hyderabad Day parade… yet.

To summarize and conclude: both Pakistan and Hyderabad suck. Pakistanis and Hyderabadis need to get over themselves and realize this and stop displaying such Paki/Hydro pride. Enough with the parades and such. Even worse is when people have the word “Paki”/”Hydro” in their screen names… like HydroAviator and other misguided fools.

The point is that you all will never be as cool as Bangaloris. Even though I was born here, I’ve been to Bangalore almost 10 times now and I have to speak the truth: Bangalore is where it’s at. Deep down, you all wish you were from Bangalore. Even amongst the elite non-Hydro/non-Pakis (it’s an honor to be from this group), we Bangaloris rule. We just do. We don’t need to flaunt our awesomeness because we just know we’re that damn cool. But it’s gotten to the point that if we don’t speak up, our greatness will continue to go unnoticed. Not only must you guys recognize the truth about your homelands, but you must also learn to acknowledge the superiority of Bangalore and all that we have done for humanity. Even in terms of food, all you guys did was give the world haleem and nihari (bleh to both)… we gave the world masala dosai, idlis, hareera, and of course, tomato ki chutney.

Alrighty mr. bangalore, now that i don’t have to listen to my schmucky professors take about how wonderful bangalore is and nod w/ a grin and bear it; i can rip on that peculiarly un-interesting place as well. Mr. wup-ass, while currently living in america you do realize that when said to a non-techy “bangalore” said w/out definite pronounciation and enounciation sounds like “bang-a-whore” Which I don’t believe is politically correct in this day and age. But obviously that’s an oversight. Lest we forget that everytime i call tech support in the middle of the night or my good ol’ GE capital credit card (which i don’t have one- but my friends do!) company I get “VJ” or “Diana” or “Michelle” whose real names are Viji /Wijay, or Dinthivanilavi, or Minakshi! No no, of course we can’t forget all those excellent tech support staff who I have to ask 5 times what they just said. I believe they’ve been “trained” but I highly doubt it cause those morons have a masters degree in something and trained to know what the weather is like in minnesota and of course they know all about who is leading in sports leagues and such with an accent that couldn’t full george w. bushwhacker; BUT, could they just fix my computer?? NOOOOOO!!!! That would be too dang simple; while they get paid less than my neighborhood lawn-boy (Jose, who is very proud of his mexican self that he didn’t change his name!!!) they work for “the man” — american companies that are robbing your fellow americans out of jobs. AND as a future physican you should know that the 2nd most important thing to being a doctor is the bottom line– getting paid!! how are you going to get paid unless your fellow americans have jobs (either pay cash or have insurance through work) Your fellow americans won’t be able to pay you; thereby making you significantly less happy than your fellow bangalorey who is at the computer 9200+ miles away. Your best bet is to become a doctor and go to bangalore to help realize The Great Bangalore dream. I wish you the best of luck and good journey on your quest!

Nihari does suck but for dissing MKS you are now a mortal enemy of all that is right within the world. And I know very little about Hydroland so somebody would need to confirm but golcunda or whatever is some fort I believe. Or at least i’ve heard it referred to as such.

salaamzwat a hilarious post. Gol Kunda is a fort from the Nizaam period. Its quite baller, I went there in 99. I would like to say that you got me good on the insults because I am a mix of Hydro and Paki…I must admit to everything said above, but I consider myself a Detroiter…cuz I was born here and then a Hydro over a Paki…ANY DAY. As for “Bang-a-whore” I know nothing of the city, so I’ll assume your better than us…because you’re KR and your word goes deep.lol peace it

Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu
This has been the worst post I’ve read on your site. Not because of the content, it was somewhat amusing and whatever, it seemed poorly constructed. A third grader could have written a better post than this. It was pure hate without any real reason.
Assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuhu

It makes me really sad that you would write such mean words about an entire group of people that you don’t even know. I realize that you’re just kidding around, and trying to push people’s buttons, the common goal of most of your posts. But really? What’s the point in being mean for fun? I think making fun of other Muslims, regardless of whether or not what you’re saying is true, is wrong.
If you’re so passionate about the topic, try making du’a to Allah swt to give Pakistanis and Hyrdos naik hidayath, instead of bashing on them.

Hi! You don’t know me and I found your xanga through some friends’ xangas. All I have to say is that you are a CLOSED-MINDED CPSA kid. And more thing…I hope Allah gives you a half-Hydro half-Paki bride. Have a nice day!!!!

My friend, I wasn’t planning on commenting about this post, I never comment about your dumber posts…in fact I won’t even comment about your bashing on Pakistan or Hyderabad, all I’ll say is I’m proud to have my fellow ikhwaan wa akhawaat no matter what country or city they’re from, something that you don’t seem to really care about, cuz if you did you wouldn’t write posts like this to piss off your brothers and sisters.The only reason I’m commenting is cuz you took it to a personal level by mentioning my screenname and calling me a misguided fool when you don’t even know why I chose to have hydro in my name…there’s a deeper meaning behind the Hydro in HydroAviatoR and it would be nice if you would stop bashing on it, thank you.

I really can’t tell how much of a joke this post is, but ask yourself this question that you yourself Kamran asked me once in reference to something else: Would the Prophet (S) write such hatred, joke or not? I don’t care if this a stupid joke or not. Posts like these can cause misconceptions and hatred no matter what. This isn’t a really good way of addressing the problems in our Ummah. Sorry, poorly written.

to mirza: that’s the best profile pic ever
to tokes: ummm… i love you?
to almusafir: hopefully i’ll shut down my site before any walimah…
to aamair: sorry for the poorly constructed post, next time ill just write about how horrible and crappy my life is, making sure i use proper grammar and spelling.
to all the critics that got upset with this post: the back button, its right there, under “file” in the upper left hand corner of the screen… sheesh guys, go to onion.com and read examples of satire. anyone who knows me know that i myself don’t believe or agree with what i said. it was a post for the sake of entertainment. if you weren’t entertained, then all i can do is smile, nod, and say salaam to you.
to dasanikapani (that has to one of the funniest screen names ever): it involves a lot of deep breaths and gritting my teeth…

Pakistanis are the squirrels with the bushiest tails, the brightest eyes, and the pointiest ears. Bangaloris are rats with patchy fur, infested with fleas, jealous of the dashing good looks of the Pakistanis. Hyderabadis are lab mice, sweet but terribly inbred and have the mentality of lab mice.

To the detractors, I suggest you all calm down. It was meant as a joke to poke fun at the idiosyncrocies of certain groups of people. He went out of his way to rile up emotion, this in no way was an objective scholarly treatise on the degeneracy of pakistanis or hyderabadis so don’t treat it as such. Queen4112, no disrespect, but you have to learn how to take a joke. Also, consider it a humble hypothesis, but to those detractors out there Queen4112, HydroAviator, Pharaaz, how many of you are expressing your vehement disapproval of this because you were personally offended vs. because you have a strong inner sense of morality that you cannot bear to see such jokes being made towards anyone. Don’t tell me but ask yourselves that question. Where were you all when Kamran was poking innocent exaggerated fun at other groups of people, my guess was if the group didnt concern you, you just had a quiet grin of amusement and moved on.
There are people in the world today who IN ALL SERIOUSNESS AND SINCERITY are saying terrible things about muslims and their religion. Please don’t ignore them and then simultaneously stand up for morality and righteousness against Kamran’s occasional joke posts.
Don’t be offended so easily and learn how to take a joke people. It is clear that it was all it was meant as. And if you really are people who just cannot help but get offended at other people’s remarks, my advice is save your anger and gift of typing for the people who sincerely have hatred in their hearts toward you and your beliefs. It’s just funny to see these types of reactions on such a silly post, it’s almost as funny as the post itself :). There are muslims out there who truly hate Jews and there is Seinfeld who certainly does not hate them but makes fun of them occasionally, the jews don’t go around heckling Seinfeld now do they? No, they aren’t that insecure, they know how and where to focus their time and talent and anger. They know who is joking and who is serious and so should others with even a modicum of common sense.Sincerely,A normal person with a sense of humor and a love for Rooh-Afza, -Mohd

No longer do i read posts tryin’ to gather some sense/cuz it don’t seem right to laugh at another’s expense/and i ain’t tryin to be dense/but akhi here’s my two cents/i certainly smiled with this one but i also took some offense/because much as i can see an argument against my Pakistanis/tis pretty Huntington of you use such monolithic badnaamis/but dude i feel your reasons; aint no need to hate/and if i overstepped the bounds then akhi thas my mistake/give an ear to da critics and turn ur eyes up above/and here’s my 2 eprops.. jus for da love
-IJB

Err.. hey KR TKC is a hydro dish. Turns out Bangloris’ got nothing. no culinary arts at all.
plus i love nihari, esp paki style. and also my ammi jaan’s nihari with the tongue in it. You guys must try.
Roohafza is good too

First of all, I wasn’t personally offended. Second, not all xanga people know that KR did this for a joke. So, people are going to take this seriously and then it is just going to cause more hate. In every joke, there is some seriousness.

Thank you Kamran for a most insightful and eye-opening post. Too long have Pakistanis and Hydros have gone on babbling about how great their homelands are without someone telling them to “just can it”. Hyderabadis continuousley argue about how great their food is and Pakistanis like the Queen above incessently contend that their folk are the best looking in the world. All I gotta say is, by what standard?!! It’s like they’ve set up their own standards and measure themselves by them.
Hydro 1: Mmm…this biryani is awesome
Hydro 2: Because you said so, it must mean it’s the best in the world.
Bangalori: Umm..I think there might be better biryanis in the world
Hydro 2: Stop insulting Hyderabad!!
That’s the problem with Pakistanis and Hyderabadis…they think a critique of one aspect of their culture is an attack on the whole lot. That’s what misguided love does to you. I pray for my Hydro and Pakistani friends.

Oh yeah, and to KiranAngel…this is the first time you’ve ever posted in Kr’s xanga and yet, you have the audacity to call him a “closed minded kid.” Where do you get off judging somebody’s character like that? If you have a problem with his post to such an extent that you’re going to berate him like that IN PUBLIC, why not contact him privately and tell him your gripes? There is something called adab people…use it.

Whatever, props to KR for writing this post. People need to accept when their society is decaying, instead of getting defensive. I don’t know why you didn’t include the arabs in here, kr. Listen it’s true no race or desi group is better than the other, except by way of religion. Any people of an ethnic groups right now who is fighting and struggling for the sake of Allah, is good in my books. And the funniest thing is that it’s not their ethnicity that’s making the difference, but they’re comittment to Allah azaa wa jal. But about bangloris, we are the kallus of india. And we get treated as simpletons and blah blah blah in the desi community. Fine, maybe we are, but alhamdullilah maybe being a simpleton, a nigger-desi if u will, helped us see the uselessnes of this stupid unwarrented pride and arrogance. We’re the ones who are the bottom of the pole. And all I’ve seen over the years from pakis, hydros, and arabs is misplaced arrogance, pride, and oppression. Not just to bangloris or madrasis or gujuratis or yemenis or egyptians. Just to one another. And it’s sick and abhorrent. Ya’ll prolly don’t notice it, cuz you too busy fighting and getting pissed off at one another and putting others down, but it’s clear as day and night. And people who’ve espicially suffered for the deen know this. They’ll accept the shortcomings of pakis, hydros, and arabs. Their damned stubborness. Ya’ll better wake up. And too KiranAngel786, whatever loser. CPSA rocks! CPSA kids rock! Whoever marries KR, wether she’s half paki, half hydro, is gona be one lucky woman. Infact I think KR would be doing a non-banglori a big favor marrying her. J/k =P

that’s dead on imran. that’s exactly the point of this post. the first point was to simply entertain. the second point was the one you mentioned: to point out how pathetic it is that pakis/hydros discriminate against other desis.
the point that people got upset at this… further proves that my social experiment is working.

Ei!”coming soon a post on whats the deal with fish and bengalis? lol”They own the Bay of Bengal. The countrys almost drowning. Way too much fish. Always has been. That says it all.I love fish.Diss out bengalis or iranis, you’re going doooown.

Funny… I don’t know whether I should comment on it or not because I’m gona get attacked either way… I might as well…This post sucked… I’m sure the guy who invented xanga, if he’s alive he probably sneezed and choked on his own spit and if he’s dead, he probably got kicked in his grave for inventing such a haraami thing…If you don’t want people to be offended, make this xanga private and do your dear diary thing… the fact is that you post here for people to read so you should be careful with your words… hisham don’t smile, YOU TOO…Now i’m just glad to be a Kashmiri because I don’t have to worry about this… I know you can’t say anything bad about Kashmir because admit it, you guys fight over my land… literally kill eachother… But I’d rather be a Pakistani any day of the week… Because Pakistan rules… Pakistanis are the prettiest of all desis, you cannot deny this fact. Pakistani people are beautiful… Mashallah…Islam can be openly and freely practiced in Pakistan, unlike some places where either your neighbor or the government is planning out something to destroy Muslims (hint: Gujrat)…The way Pakistan is right now is not the fault of the people, the rulers have been jackasses and don’t do anything for the religion…Becoming a nuclear power is not something to be proud of because you can kill people, but because you can stand up to other nonMuslim nations and respond with some dignity. I’m sure India/Israel/UK/USA/etc would think twice before pissing of Pakistan because of it’s nuclear capabilities…Did I forget to mention that Pakistanis are HOT… just look at PK…Pakistan is not facing many internal problems, maybe the shia/sunni thing but that’s almost everywhere, whereas India is screwed because of its internal issues… whether it’s an area trying to split off or the Gujrat issue, the country is very unstable.so plz be careful before posting anything like this… I’m giving you props because you have guts posting this and taking all this crap…oh and Chaar Minars are cool… whereelse can you find stuff representing our great Khalifahs…

asalamualaikum, fkhan, you had a good point that KR should be careful with his words but i think you destroyed your point by saying “pakistanis are the prettiest desis” and “pakistanis are hot”. its a free world everyone, get over it…KR posts some really good and useful posts sometimes and at other times, posts to give a laugh…get over it…sheeeeez. ya’ll are bacchay.

With everyone ‘hoping’ KR marries a Paki and whatnot, and of course the fact that Pakis are good looking — I’m gonna come out and say it hear first: Pakistan Sucks!
Hopefully now the hot Paki chicks will rush to me…hehehe.
-SaudiPaki (why is it for some reason I think KR might have been covertly making fun of me in this post?)

I’m sorry but I have to do this. To all the hydros who think they’re hot, just look at the people from U.P., lucknow, etc. For the people from U.P.(north india, lucknow), etc. who think they’re hot, look at the pakistanis. For the pakstanis who think they’re God’s gift to the world, look at the kashmirs. For the kashmiris who think they is fine as hell, look at the afghanis. For the afghanis who think they’re good looking, look at the persians. For the persians who think they’re good looking, look at your european counterparts(aryan race?). I’ve purposely left arabs out of this hierarchy, cuz any props to them goes straight to their head. It might be wise to leave them guessing where they fit in all this. As for the europeans who think they’re the best looking in the world, your beauty is useless. Consider this, that Allah is the most beautiful. But Allah doesn’t determine our value from beauty. Because if He did, then Allah would hate us all for being so ugly and repulsive compared to His beauty. Abu Hurairah ra said that Rasulullah saw said: …..Allah does not look at your bodies or your forms, or your deeds, but He looks at your hearts”. (Bukhari, Muslim). So what is your beauty worth? You may actually be loved and admired by people, but in Allah’s eyes you’re disgraced. And europeans are disgraced for deviating from morality. And the persians who follow them are disgraced. And the afghanis who follow them are disgraced. And the kashmiris who follow them are disgraced. And the pakistanis who follow them are disgraced. And the U.P./luknow people who follow them are disgraced. And the hydros who follow them are disgraced. And bangloris if you follow them you will be disgraced as well. I don’t know about you, but it seems to me that there is a corelation between beauty and moral decadence. If that’s the case, i’m proud to be a nigger desi banglori. The bottom don’t look so bad after all. In any case, for all you people who’re so hung up about their looks. Read the following hadith.Anas (May Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, “In Jannah there is a market to which the people will come every Friday. The northern wind will blow and shower fragrance on their faces and clothes and, consequently, it will enhance their beauty and loveliness. They will then return to their wives who will also have increased in their beauty and loveliness, and their families will say to them: `We swear by Allah that you have been increased in beauty and loveliness since leaving us.’ Thereupon they will reply: `We swear by Allah that you have also been increased in beauty and loveliness since we left you.”'[Muslim]. So an ugly man or woman in this world will get that in the next life. While a good looking man or woman in this world may burn in the hell fire and look so repulsive, that even a fly wouldn’t bother sitting on your face.And as to those of you who are insecure about your place. Read the following excerpt from a hadith.When Abu Dzar ra requested further advice, Rasulullah saw said : ” Look towards those who rank below you, so that you may get used of being thankful, and do not look at those who rank above you lest you should despise the favours of Allah swt upon you “. (Narrated by Ibn Hibban). Now before some of you go off and start legitmizing your excellence and bigotry through this hadith, this is NOT what the Prophet(S) is saying. What desis do is they worship those above them and they enslave those beneath them. What the Prophet(S) is saying is that don’t belittle yourself by looking to those who Allah has given more to. Because you need to realize you have been given something more than someone else. When you recognize that, then thank Allah, otherwise you’ll constantly be ungrateful to Allah, never being satisfied with His favors. Often times when comparing 2 people, we will find each one of them them has something the other doesn’t. But it’s our lowly desires that want to magnify ones qualities and belittle anothers. In the end it’s all useless. We all die, get resurrected, and judged. After which, we’ll either enjoy or fry. And Allah knows the truth.

(in response to the above comment) why do people assume that the lighter a person’s skin is, the more beautiful they are?? that’s just wack. i resent those desi aunties who propogate that idea.
anyway, funny post.

(in response to your comment). I didn’t mean to imply all lighter skin ppl are more attractive than darker skin ppl. That’s not the case at all. I merely implied lighter skin is more physically attractive and appealing than darker skin. Physical features are a whole different story. If you were to take 2 women who were identical twins with the same features, except one was darker and one was lighter. I think most people would find the lighter skin woman more attractive. But realistically, we know there are darker people who are more attractive then lighter skinned ppl, based on them having more attractive features. Desi aunties are stupid. They consider anyone who’d fair is attractive. That’s why they are wack. Anyway, the point is it’s all useless and futile in the end. Say I married a girl who was fair and beautiful. Sure I will be attracted to her physically, but who is to say she will love me or respect me. What’s the point of having a woman who can’t satisfy my need to be loved and respected, no matter how beautiful she is.

haha…i like the parody..i understand how u hate the salans but U EAT THEM do u not? dont get too big of an ego from not being from Pakistan or Hyderabad because in all, we all have enough forgiveness to ask for including u beharis