‘Pretty Little Liars’ Winter Premiere Review: Who is in Alison’s casket? What is Ezra hiding?

The girls returned into tonight’s season premiere, “Who’s in the Box?”, and struggled with the reality that not only is Alison is, but they buried someone at her funeral. Who could it be? Oh, and there’s that whole creepy Ezra Fitz thing, too.

When we last spent time with the girls during the Halloween special, we saw Caleb leave Rosewood, Ezra incriminate himself at A (OMG?!), and learned what we knew all along when they discovered Alison is actually alive. She confessed her fear of returning to Rosewood, specifically due to someone threatening her, and then Ezra stepped out of the shadows and she disappeared. Dun, dun, dun! So much drama!

Unfortunately the girls don’t have all the insight (or common sense, to be honest) and cann’t believe Alison is alive. They stood around in cute pajamas (I mean, how does Shay Mitchell look that good in sweat material) and constantly repeated, “Alison is alive! She is really alive!” They have no idea what to do, wonder if Alison is A, and then if they should talk to Jason. Yes, girls! You should always talk to Jason. I do miss his flawless face and hair so much.

(P.S. He’s starring on Lifetime’s Devious Maids. If you haven’t watched, do it immediately. You can thank me later.) Jason mentions continue because obvious Pretty Little Liars is trying to torture me. Life is so damn unfair.

Meanwhile, life has its other struggles as well. Hanna’s mother can’t find a job and a girl that looks just like Alison went missing at the same time she did. Mrs. DeLaurentis is still changing the sheets on Alison’s bed. Toby hotly drives his truck around town after returning from learning more about what happened to his mother. His hair is exceptionally tall. Do you think it’s because it’s filled with more secrets? And my absolute favorite is Mona driving Jenna’s car “because she won’t be needing it again.”

Oh, Mona.

Since school is also important, the girls have to go to Ezra Fitz’s English class. They are reading Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. How fitting! Ezra attractively apologizes for everything that happened with Malcolm and confesses he wants to get back with Aria… after graduation. But what about Jake, Aria?! What about Jake? Fortunately for Aria, she misses A challenging the girls on finding Alison. If A finds her, A gets to keep her.

Sounds like more of the same, eh?

Later, Hanna continues to stalk the friends of the missing girl. I cannot imagine I’d want to have coffee with some random girl, who says we have things (aka dead friends) in common. This just screams poor social skills all around yet Hanna is ready to go. No one wants to go with Hanna – smart girls! – but Caleb interrupts everything with his hair and pearly white smile. Kissy face time, y’all! Caleb’s kisses make Hanna brave and she and Emily meet with the dead girl’s BFFs. They drink fancy coffees and talk about their dead friends, and we learn nothing that we didn’t really already know or that is even relevant to Alison.

Sidenote: Does it really matter who is in the damn box? Alison is alive, so let whoever you buried rest in peace and don’t dig up further trouble with A. Or maybe I just say this because I’m too lazy to go running around asking questions that aren’t going to get me anywhere. Hell, I’m too lazy to do most of the things these girls do, especially make myself look that good every day.

Meanwhile, Toby and Spencer are enjoying this gorgeous day in Rosewood by blackmailing the folks at Radley to admit his mother’s death was not a suicide. Mr. Fitz and Mona had a creepy talk about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and not pushing people too far. Mrs. DeLaurentis gave Ashley a job because Alison came to her in her dreams and told her to do it.

Yeah. I can’t even deal with this shit show at this point.

Just when Hanna’s life takes a turn for the good, Caleb leaves her to go back to that show that no one’s watching. This displeases Hanna greatly. Don’t worry, girl. He’ll be back in due time. Spencer’s dad is all, “Let’s shut down Radley forever!” and they miss the subtext of all the secrets he surely has locked in that building.

And just in case we haven’t had enough of Creepy Fitz, he whisks Aria away to his “friend’s” cabin that he checks on whenever that friend is out of town. Red Flag #1: the cabin was conveniently offered to Ezra after their breakup. Red Flag #2: Ezra’s practically begging you to take him back after all the nonsense that’s happened between you two. Red Flag #3: The Mr. Hyde eyes Ezra is giving you when he kisses you.

Ezra wasn’t creepy until the Halloween special. Is he creepier now because we know of this supposed A connection? Or is he creepier now because the writers are heavy-handedly making him this way? This is not the warm, charming, and adorably smiling Ezra we’re used to having. This is a guy shuffling his feet, looking over his shoulder, and staring at everything so damn intensely. So obviously, Mr. Hyde has shoved Dr. Jekyll into a closet and Ezra is A) a twin (OMG TWO EZRAS IS LIKE CHRISTMAS) or B) has split personalities, one of whom wants to love Aria and the other who wants to keep her close and kill her.

Oh, you think that sounds ridiculous? You shut your mouth because everything on this show is ridiculous, people.

As if matters aren’t worse, Aria just throws Hot Jake to the side and beds Ezra, who has a secret floorboard compartment in cabin. It’s probably where Aria is going to end up when she discovers it.

Hanna’s brokenhearted when Caleb rolls out of town and reveals Ali’s diary that she stole forever ago. Apparently, Ali wrote really mean things about all of them and Hanna’s so surprised.

And with that we conclude the winter premiere of Pretty Little Liars aka a long and confusing hour of television that could greatly benefit from Jason’s hair. What did you think about the episode? Who do you think is in the box? What is going on with Ezra? And what do you think is in the floorboard? Body parts, photographs, locks of Alison’s hair? Share your thoughts in the comments below and I’ll see you here next week.

About the author

Amber Cunigan

Amber Cunigan is a sarcastic mid-twenties undergrad, extreme book hoarder, Netflix addict, and reality TV aficionado. She enjoys excessive amounts of chocolate and caffeine, tweeting, and all things Ezra Fitz and Ryan Gosling. When it comes to TV, she expects to be thoroughly entertained and when not, she will slam and mock you, but still tune in next week. She's a glutton for punishment. Basically, she's awesome.