Are There Any Nice Guys?

With one exception, the guys were a decided “no.” The women seemed split right down the middle – some supporting both sides of the argument at the same time. The women did seem to be able to point out at least one nice guy in their life – even if it was good old dad. The guys all seemed to say that all men are pigs. When confronted with the fact that they themselves were guys, a shrug and an agreement followed. Only one was willing to admit that he was a nice guy. So what is the problem that no man is (or at least wants to be known as) a nice guy?

Let’s start at the beginning. When we are growing up, (I hope) we are all taught to be nice. That is what most parents try to teach their children. We are told that if we can’t say anything nice, we shouldn’t say anything at all. Then we watch our parents yell at the driver in front of them, at the hated sports rivals, at the referees (Kill the Umpire!) or in the worst case (and I fear more common), at each other. We get to watch the 6:00 news, and our elected leaders dish dirt on each other. Boxing is an Olympic sport; pro wrestling is a great soap opera for men. Should I even mention how the people on daytime soaps treat each other? Of course, we only get to see these until about age 5 and again in college. Luckily, if we have a religious background, we may have been taught to turn the other cheek, except when it’s an eye for an eye. As we grow up, the world becomes more focused, and we begin to see a reality grounded in the wonders of capitalism. If we are fortunate, we get to displace ourselves from poverty; our parents protect us, and we get the best of everything. If not, we can experience firsthand a system where 20 years of hard work lead to downsizing, where God is Money and its Son is Fierce Competition – so fierce that companies and employees are willing to sacrifice men to the Holy Spirit of the Bottom Line. (Fortunately, we only sacrifice the man’s spirit and not his body.) This is a system where no matter how good the economy is the people at the top always own the same percentage of the wealth in our country. (My figures have it at the richest 10% of Americans own 2/3 of the wealth. Leaving the other 90% with 1/3 of the wealth.) Our system requires a typical family to have two jobs to make ends meet. Without their income being spent on consumer goods, capitalism would collapse (and presumably, take democracy with it.) Our children are left to come home to empty houses and the one-eyed babysitter. They begin to realize that they must fend for themselves because they can’t even trust mom or dad to be there for them. They begin to look out for Number One. In high school, being known as nice is the kiss of death without the lip contact. You might as well throw out any chance at a social life. The girls all confess to want a nice guy; then they go out with the ones who lie, cheat, beat and threaten them. The guys who have no sense of loyalty. The words “you’re a really nice guy” are inevitably followed by “let’s just be friends.” If you are too nice, you may be accused of being homosexual – if you don’t try to kiss a girl on the first date, you must be gay, especially if she wanted you to. This kind of thing continues through college, but some women have begun to figure things out. Others become suspicious of nice intentions. Is he being nice because he wants something or because he is nice? Just as the women are learning that nice isn’t necessarily boring, the guys who aren’t nice have learned to perfect their “nice” act. These are the guys who have learned to persuade, cajole, whine, guilt, even cry, if it will get them what they want. Their words are honey sweet over the phone as they stand there with their hands in their pants, masturbating to the voice on the other end. When they are done, they hang up and brag about how their bitch went down on them last night and how she is tied around their finger or some other part of their anatomy. (These are the same guys who will complain about not having gotten any in a week. Go figure.) They take their dates to the Valentine’s Dance and then brag about how much they got last night, how loud she screamed, what she sounded like when he stuck it in and what it sounded like when she came. But let’s step back from reality. Let us leave our world of back-stabbing, of mud-slinging political tactics sometimes employed in the workplace, and idioms like “nice guys finish last.” Let’s step into the theoretical world where we may be able to find a theoretically nice guy. To do this, we need to begin where all theoretical arguments eventually end: semantics. What do we mean by nice? What is nice? Is being nice in action only enough, or do we need to be nice in thought, also? Is doing something nice to get something or somewhere still doing something nice? What percentage of the time do you need to be nice in order to be considered a nice person? 90%? 50%? Or all the time? So what do I mean by nice? I think that nice is a combination of thoughts and actions, which not only do no harm, but actually help someone else – with no other reason than because it should be done. Obviously, nice thoughts without action are not enough – unless you subscribe to the out-of-context belief that the thought is as good as the act. Good intentions are not enough though I hear they make nice road pavement. Actions are the children of thought. Someone who does something nice without intending to is really just an accident waiting to do something equally not nice or hundreds of times worse. (My purely hypothetical numbers on this are 70/30 because it is easier to destroy than create.) You need to have some part of each, but how much do thoughts count toward niceness? Maybe it depends on the severity of the thoughts. If someone cuts you off and you think “No harm, he must be in a real hurry,” that’s pretty good. If you think “Damn! I should hit that car,” that’s probably normal. If you think “My vehicle’s bigger; I should run them off the road,” it’s getting worse. If you think “I should follow that car, wait ‘til that bastard gets out and squash him between his door and my grill,” you’re probably having a bad day. If you think “I should go kill this guy, nuke his neighborhood, research his family tree and hunt them down like the dogs they are,” it might be time to consider going to a psychiatrist. Of course, if you think any of these things (except the first) and laugh, it’s probably okay. I don’t know that it is necessarily nice, but as long as you don’t follow through with any threats, it’s probably okay. If you do more than tailgate, I don’t want to know. It isn’t easy being nice in a world where prejudice, violence, famine and injustice run rampant and are encouraged. Our news is mostly bad. The rude salesclerk can’t afford to pay rent even though he has two jobs and works 60 hours a week. The high cost of medical care prevents some people from seeking treatment early leading to more expensive treatment and more deaths. Homeless people. All of these exist in a world that produces enough for all, if we would only share, if we weren’t so greedy, if we were nice. It is easier to conform to our society. It’s our patriotic duty to sing its praises, and it s our unending job to consume mass quantities to economically support our country even if that means we purchase a $150 made by Koreans who are earning a healthy $19 a month and being downsized in the fourth quarter to boost profits. Are there nice people in the world? Yes, of course, we all know a couple (I hope). In fact, I believe almost everyone would be nice if it weren’t for our particular economic system. However, when it comes down to a “me or the other guy” situation and you’ve got three kids, two new cars, a mortgage, school loans, college funds and retirement breathing down your neck, how many of us choose me and not the other guy?