All They Want Is "Four Walls And A Roof" On This Week's The Walking Dead

Man oh man. Robert Kirkman, the start of this season of The Walking Dead almost makes me hate you. Know why? Because we've known all along you can make quality television like this. So you when you saddle us with episodes the likes of which we got at the end of last season, we know you're cheating us. You are held to a higher standard, my friend; it's time you started consistently living up to it.
We begin with Bob and the Terminus cannibals. Garreth continues with his self righteous diatribe about either "joining us or feeding us" and they continue to devour Bob's leg right in front of Bob's face. I literally cannot imagine anything more disturbing than watching yourself be eaten. Anyway, Garreth is chomping and eating along with the rest of his crew, and Bob starts cackling out of nowhere. Why? Because he's infected. That's right, our suspicions were spot on: A walker took a bite out of Bob's shoulder. This prompts him to call himself "tainted meat" and Garreth's group to start retching and freaking out, asking him why Bob was never checked. Garreth assures them that, since they "cooked him," they will be fine.
He's clearly spooked, however, as before we know it, Bob has been dumped on the grounds in front of the church. The group goes to retrieve him and finds a gaggle of walkers. They take care of business and get inside to try and figure out what is happening. Before Bob showed up, they accused the Priest of doing something with him and Daryl and Carol. Because, if you remember, that duo just took off without telling anyone, therefore everyone thinks they're missing. They interrogate the Priest and believe that he has something to do with this. Father Gabriel promises that he has nothing to do with their missing comrades, but he does confess an even greater sin.
He said the day after Atlanta was bombed, all of his parishioners came to the church seeking refuge. But every night before he goes to bed, Gabriel locks the doors to the church. They were making a ruckus trying to get in and, instead of finding sanctuary, they caught the attention of the dead. Women, children and men of all ages were torn apart by the walkers. He believes that Rick and company were sent there to punish him and make him atone for his sins. Which, of course they don't do, because it's in that moment that they realize Bob is in the yard.
So Bob explains to the group about what happened with Garreth and his merry band of cannibals. Sasha is convinced that they can make it work; after all, Hershel only had one leg. But Bob shows them his kiss of death: the bite on his shoulder, and they know that their group will now be less one.
At this point, Abe decides he, Rosita and Eugene need to GTFO. He explains that there is a blatant threat to Eugene's safety, and that, as always, his one and only priority is getting Eugene to DC. When Rick asks if they're walking, Abe states that he and Rosita fixed that van up by themselves and that they'll be claiming ownership of it. They all try and convince Abe to stick around and wait for Carol and Daryl, even Eugene and Rosita, but he won't be persuaded. They try and work out a deal, and finally settle on them sticking around for 12 more hours. By midday, if Carol and Daryl have not returned, they will be on their way and Maggie and Glenn will go with them. Rick does not like the sound of that, and honestly, I don't either. The idea of Maggie and Glenn splitting from the group sounds like the worst laid plan yet in a series that revolves around terribly laid plans. But Glenn and Maggie agree to it, and they turn their focus to the immediate threat at hand: the Terminus Cannibals.

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The group decides that, since they have the shelter and the knowledge that the cannibals are coming, they may actually have the upper hand. So they lock the majority of the group up in a room off the rectory, while Rick and a few others leave, trying to confuse the cannibals. And it works. Garreth comes in with his entire contingent of people and starts giving another pretentious diatribe about the way the world works now and how they should just come out since their fiercest fighters are gone. I seriously hate this guy. He even offers to let Father Gabriel leave unharmed with Judith before the bloodshed starts.
Little did he know that Rick and company were waiting in the dark wings to ambush the cannibals once they were all gathered in one spot. After Rick makes his presence known (because Judith cried, alerting them to the rest of the group's location), Garreth asks why they didn't just take them out before they even came in. To which Rick responds with the greatest line in the series so far: "We didn't want to waste the bullets." That's cold, Rick. Then Abe, Rick, Maggie, Glenn, Michonne, etc., proceed to cut those bitches to death...literally. Rick even fulfills his initial threat and decimates Garreth's head with a machete with a red handle. Something that Father Gabriel has trouble coming to terms with. Oh well. Go big or go to the grave, Padre. Time to get on board with the whole "kill or be eaten" thing.
It's midday now, and Abe is ready to hit the road with Eugene, Rosita, Glenn and Maggie, but without the rest of the group. He leaves a map for Rick that says, "Sorry, I was an asshole. Come to Washington. The new world's gonna need Rick Grimes." Aw, that's presh.
We end this week's episode with Michonne getting ready to kill some shit in the woods. She goes to explore what the noises are, only to come face-to-face with Daryl. She has a huge smile of relief before asking, "Where's Carol?" Daryl looks back into the woods and says only, "You can come out now," and then the episode ends. We don't know if it's just Carol back there, or Carol and Beth, or just Beth. WE DON'T FECKING KNOW! Because Robert Kirkman is an evil, evil man and likes to try and kill us.
So what do you all think, Deadheads? Are you as impressed with this season as I am thus far? Kirkman, you better keep this shit up. I don't know if my psyche could handle you making this season suck after such a strong start.
Stick with me guys, I'll be recapping The Walking Dead all season long!