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Wednesday, March 10, 2010

What Sucks…Dancing With The “Stars”

I feel like I am not doing you, my readers, any favors by bring this show up again and again, and I apologize if I sound like a broken record- or ah, a track you downloaded on iTunes that for some reason repeats and repeats(?). Let me put it to you in a different way.

Picture you and I having a conversation. Let’s say we just met.

ME: Hey, how are you doing?

YOU: Great. Thanks. Yourself?

ME: Not bad. Hey, want to go to a place and watch Kate Gosselin do some half-ass ballroom dance she’s trying to learn?

YOU: No. Why would I want to do that? My time is valuable.

ME: But…

YOU: Yeah, look- nice meeting you. I’ve got to go.

Logical end to the conversation, right? Now let’s imagine you and I are having a conversation- and we know each other.

ME: Hey _______ (fill in your name) you look great!

YOU:Thanks- you do as well- wait- did you gain weight?

ME: Ah, yeah, maybe. Listen, I have an idea of what we can do tonight. Wanna go, unironically, and watch Kate Gosselin- you know Kate from Jon & Kate Plus 8, do this half-ass version of the mamba that she’s trying to learn? She’ll be all dressed up and…

YOU: No. Why would I want to do that? Every few months when we get together, you ask me to go with you and watch some D-Lister learn how to dance- one year it was that scumbag Tom Delay- another year it was the dude who played Elaine’s boss from Seinfeld- once I think it was Nick Lachey- wait, it wasn’t even Nick Lachey- it was his brother I think!

ME: Yeah but…

YOU: No, there’s no “but”. Why the “F” do you think I would want to waste my time that way? I’m insulted. Screw you. Call me when you want to do something cool—like whip-its or something! Goodbye.

ME: But- wait…

Makes sense, again- right? If I asked to you go watch some unlikable nobody try and do a dance- let’s add in the idea I told you it was a star- wouldn’t that be how you’d react? Yet every few months ABC does the same thing to you- ask you to watch a bunch of nobodies dance- unironically, and people flock. Honestly, for everyone on this show this year besides Pam Anderson and Erin Andrews, I have trouble figuring out which is supposed to be the "star" and which is the professional dance partner. Shouldn't you not be on a show called "Dancing With The Stars", if your professional dance partner is more famous that you?

9 comments:

i would like to see "Dancing With Disabilities" -"Up next a woman with no feet does a tap dance on pegs with Chris DeLuca" -"and after that a 400 pound Romanian hunchback will dance a Tango with a Dwarf"

I had truly rather catch my wife of 30 years watching gay porn with 16 transvestites while tweeting with Chaz Bono and arranging a child molester convention in San Franscisco than watch an hour of Dancing With The Losers. ABC continues to generate pure crap using the clout of the Disney name. Walt has to to be rolling over in his grave seeing the absolute shit that is asociated with his name and rolled out daily. What troubles me most is the blind willingness the American people have when it comes to slurping up the vomitus of the mass media. We have lost every bit of wisdom and common sense that our forefathers bequeathed us. We are headed for certain DOOM and DEFEAT unless we RADICALLY REVERSE OUR COURSE. Dancing With The Losers is such a telling sign of our demise. The people who generate such mindless shit should be destroyed along with the drivel they foist upon us in the name of ENTERTAINMENT.

Dancing With The Dead. TV psychic John Edward McGee could go into a trance and dial into some dead celebrity, and via emf pumps, suddenly a silvery, milky apparition of Phyllis Diller appears . John whispers into her ear and the two begin to dance to the theme song of the 1972 motion picture, The Last Tango in Paris. After the dance John gives readings to the audience, but picks up on Tom Bergerons long deceased grandfather. John relays some pretty juicy information that has to be censored for TV. Tom is embarrassed and bewildered since he was a devout , closed minded materialist atheist. Now he's not so sure anymore. John thanks Phillis Diller's ghost for the lovely dance, and he tells Tom to be conservative with his Viagra consumption. The winners of the dance competition went to, Morgan Freeman and Miley Cyrus dancing to her daddy's insipid tune, Achey Breaky Heart. Tears of happiness are abundant with all the ladies of America!

What Sucks Mission Statement

Suckiness surrounds us all, gripping us in a vice-like hold, with the ferocity of a bear trap made of shit. My mission? To offer insight and shed understanding on the vast, seemingly endless, black hole of crap each one of us has to face on a daily basis. And while that torrent of bullshit is both mammoth in scope and unyielding in its advance, at least here it can be called it out for what it is- a lot of shit that really sucks.

So join me- everyday I’ll shine the spotlight on something that sucks. And your comments, until you weird me out, are always welcome. That being said, thanks for stopping by and sorry everything sucks so bad.

About Me

Chris DeLuca is a writer/ producer/ comic currently living in Hoboken, the Prague of New Jersey. He's written for a bunch of TV shows you probably have not watched or heard of (United States of Hip Hop, Nikki & Sara Live, Mob Wives Reunion, BET's Don't Sleep, and Fuse News- see?) as well as Late Late Show with Craig Kilborn, Best Week Ever, Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson and the 12/12/12 Concert For Sandy Relief. He was also the "World's Oldest Intern" on VH1's Big Morning Buzz. In 2009 he created, wrote and starred in the hilarious, and subversive “Mocap, LLC" on Spike. Sadly, he thinks he caused his parent's divorce.