About Me

I live in DC, sail the Chesapeake Bay, have a lovely wife who's a web designer, a young son, an unruly hound dog, and am interested in most everything in the world. Oh yea, and I love the smell of burning trash in the Third World. That just gets me going.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Lacking a top front tooth is no worse than lacking a foreskin.

Let me set the record straight on what it's like to live without a top front tooth for a month.

When I went to the dentist for repairs they told me it would be a week before I could get a mouthpiece with a tooth attached to it. Wrong. That was on June 24th, and I'm still walking around with a gapped smile and annoying lisp. The dentist fucked up the original tooth mold so the lab sent their shoddy work back. During the second mold, I came close to puking from the combination of molding goo gagging my uvula and the dental hygenist's thumb shoved deep into my mouth.

But honestly, I don't miss the tooth too much.

I get laid just as much as before, despite what you may think. Ok, it's true that I'm married and that wouldn't be an issue even if a living squid started growing out of the side of my face, but I'm happy to report that I still perform my studly duties just fine.

Somehow, people think it's ok to make country bumpkin or West Virginia jokes to me. The first person to make this type of crack was my dentist. How professional. What if I was from West Virginia? I'm not offended, but shouldn't people think twice before they flippantly start cracking jokes about entire swaths of the population and their supposed deficiencies?

When people ask how I lost the tooth, most are expecting a fight story; you can see it in their eyes. But that's not because of the tooth, necessarily. If you've never met me in person, let's just say I am---how you say---"physically intimidating" and the tooth just adds to that effect. It's a little disappointing to tell people that, no, I was not in a fight and that I lost it due to an abscess, but they seem scared nonetheless. I've walked down dark alleys and sidewalks thoughout the so-called "DC crime emergency" and have not been mugged or disrespected once. If that's not proof that I look mean, I don't know what is.

In the end, mourning the loss of your top front tooth is like longing for your foreskin. If you're circumcised, you're literally missing a piece of your body and there's no way to get it back. Acceptance is the only solution.

So fuck it, the tooth is gone. All I can do is wait while musing at people's reactions.

Um, as your wife I have to disagree with you on the living squid growing out of your face/still get laid comment. There are things you can overlook and there are dealbreakers. The tooth is overlookable because it's temporary.