I always thought superstition was bullshit. Only a moron would believe that walking under a ladder will give you years of bad luck, or being glared at by a malevolent person will make your dick fall off. Today is Friday the 13th, and that means friends and co-workers alike will be making bullshit claims like ‘I’m not going outside today!’ or ‘bad things are going to happen today!’ and other such nonsensical garbage.

First of all, it doesn’t bother me what you believe. If you believe that a black cat walking infront of you means that you’ve been marked for death, then I hope it’s true. Also, you’re an idiot. But I’m not judging, this year’s idiots are next year’s Pizza Hut workers, and I like Pizza Hut. As Jeff Goldblum said; life finds a way. Regardless, there’s another reason why Friday the 13th bullshit irritates me: it reduces an awesome horror franchise to a bandwagon which gets jumped on because people think they know what they’re talking about.

Image Credit: unknown

Jason Vorhees, the antagonist in the Friday the 13th series, is a masked zombie who kills anyone who enters his camp. Not any camp, just his camp. So if you want to stay safe tonight, don’t go to the campsite where Jason kills people. Simple enough. However, I know the next time the 13th of the month happens to land on a Friday people are still going to bitch about bad luck regardless of my preaching, so instead of opposing them I’m going to join them. Below, I put forward some new superstitions that we should all start believing:

Borrowing someone else’s coat will give them AIDS.

Image Credit: lintvkrqe.wordpress.com

Pictured: HIV-positively about to get AIDS

‘Dude, can I borrow your jacket? I only need to run to the shop but it’s raining pretty bad.’‘No. Do you think I want AIDS?’

Riding a bike with no hands mean you are a wizard.

Image Credit: usatbnqt.wordpress.com

Pictured: a wizard showing off

‘Did you just see that? That guy just rode that bike without using his hands.’‘No way.’‘Yeah.’‘He is a wizard.’

Fingering someone in church will give you seven years good luck.

‘Did you know that smashing a mirror will give you seven years bad luck?’‘I fingered Jenny Brickhouse on the back pew last week. I guess I’ve evened it out’‘That is cool.’

Women who are still single at 30 have been cursed by the Babylonian death god Ereshkigal.

Image Credit: gimmesomeoven.com

Pictured: bare cursed woman

‘Dude, that PE teacher has just turned 30 and is still single.’‘I know. Personally I think she’s been cursed by the Babylonian death god Ereshkigal.’‘It makes sense.’

Waiting longer than 90 minutes in an NHS Accident and Emergency ward means that whatever virus you originally had has doubled in size and now you have scurvy as well.

Image Credit: dadbloguk.com

At least no-one is getting fingered.

‘How long have we been here?’'Two hours’‘They should call us in soon.’‘Yeah. But my virus has doubled in size and now I’ve got scurvy.’‘I understand that NHS workers are overworked and underpaid and we grossly under-estimate their value in today’s society but they keep giving us scurvy.’‘I think I’ve contracted a sand allergy’.

Putting staples in your eyelids makes your dick grow.

Image Credit: amazon.com

Pictured: bloke with a massive dick

‘Woah, nice dick! Staples in the eyelids again?’‘Yes.’

Seeing a woman driving a van is eternal bad luck.

Image Credit: travelblog.org

Pictured: least attractive van driver ever (that includes blokes)

‘Dude, Jenny Brickhouse dropped me off from the church after I got stinky fingers.’‘What’s wrong with that?’‘She drives a van.’‘Shit.’

Joe is one of the many writers we have at Foul Entertainment and the author and deviser of Plenty Of Catfish. He is a main player on Disagreevances. He's also responsible for the bulk of the artistic design in our upcoming gaming department.