Few doubt the terror that would instantly clamp like a poisoned bear trap around the hearts of the intelligent should Elizabeth Dole actually throw her undeserving and prefabricated (but oh so charming and stoic) hat in the ring and somehow in a haze of blind decision-making by the Bush camp, pick up the GOP nomination for veep -- but let's just speculate for a moment that Shrub maybe lets his abundant lack of wherewithal get the better of him and actually nominates our fine Liddy, and she gets the keys to the executive latrine and a special voiceprint ID to gain access into the really raunchy anti-abortion pro-nuke parties.

And then let's just presume Bush by some act of Moloch simpers into the White House in November and then his tiny little heart accidentally explodes from a combination of residual Devil's dandruff and blatant intellectual vacuity, thus installing Our Lady Dole into the big house, all baffled and nonplussed, what with all its finely manicured lawns and cute antique furniture and husband Bob walking around serving Diet Cokes to those damnable Post reporters and talking about how, thanks to Viagra, he gets to bang the President at least once a month for a mere seven bucks a pop.

Then we watch in a very painful sort of dazed wonder as we have our first woman prez, but not just any old savvy hardass politico in a bra who owns some true grit and substance, but rather a nice mannequin so full of cliched platitudes she can't see past her Talbots power suit, a charming and press-friendly, heavily shellacked lass who peppers every sentence with staggering blandisms about the Good American People and Better Jobs for Better Wages and even the puppet male candidates know you have to display a glimpse of genuine individual personality on occasion and read from the Big Book of Actual Thought once in awhile. Not that Liddy's all that worse than George W., mind, but at least his makeup isn't applied with a paint gun.

Hot Slots With Betty Boop In which the Nevada gambling regulators ponder the effect of using cartoon characters on slot machines. The kids love 'em! Associated Press

It's a safe bet that Edgar Rice Burroughs never thought his 1912 "Tarzan of the Apes" would figure in debate over Nevada slot machines. But it is -- nearly a century later.

Tarzan came up Wednesday as image-conscious regulators worked on a rule to make slots less appealing to children by barring graphics and animation featuring youth-oriented characters from cartoons, comic books, books, magazines, video and board games, television and movies.

Under the proposed rule, gamblers wouldn't see "South Park" or "Spiderman" themes on slots. But decades-old cartoon flirt Betty Boop would be OK.

Tarzan? His future as a slot icon appeared doubtful as members of the Gaming Control Board; the board's parent, Nevada Gaming Commission; and high-priced gambling industry lawyers fiddled with the rule that's up for final approval by month's end.

The proposal now says slots couldn't be based on child-oriented themes unless they've been around for 21 or more years prior to a slot maker's bid to capitalize on them.

That's where the ape man comes in. Gaming Commission Chairman Brian Sandoval asked about years-old themes that get revived -- like last year's "Tarzan" movie that grossed nearly $171 million. Gaming Control Board member Dennis Neilander replied that more general wording in existing regulations bars "inappropriate" themes on slots.

The proposed rule also has a catchall clause that says no slot can use a theme derived from or based on a product currently and primarily intended for, marketed to and used by people under 21.

There's room for a waiver, as long as a slot theme doesn't clash with "the public policy of the state." And there's a grandfather clause for existing slots.

Wednesday's debate also focused on manufacturers' concern that regulatory review of their slot themes in advance of production might tip off competitors who'd try to get the same concept approved first.

That led to a long discussion of Nevada's open meeting law, which generally requires government entities to operate in the open, and a separate state law that allows for some closed meetings by the casino regulators.

Control Board member Bobby Siller said closed discussions made sense, given the ludicrous prospect of trying to talk about a specific slot theme in public while withholding details to preserve a trade secret.

Sandoval asked for an attorney general's opinion prior to the Gaming Commission's Jan. 27 meeting in Las Vegas. He wants the rule adopted then, but said it can't run counter to the open meeting law.

Nevada regulators and manufacturers hope the rule will counter national criticism and show that the state can handle the issue without federal intervention.

While some slot makers at first thought the rule was a Mickey Mouse idea, it now has broad gambling industry support.

New slots in the works are based on the Pink Panther, "I Dream of Jeannie," "The Munsters," "The Three Stooges" and other TV or movie hits. There's even one slot topped by a dancing toy chicken. Others have full-size heads of Lurch and Uncle Fester from "The Addams Family."

Critics of slot themes targeting children have included Republican presidential candidate John McCain, chairman of the Senate Commerce Committee, who said he may hold hearings on the matter and ask the Federal Trade Commission for help.

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