I love my country. Lets jus git that out in the open. I love erythang 'bout it. I love the constitution, baseball, apple pie, NASCAR and democracy. I love monster trucks, Kentucky Fried Chicken, and re-runs of The Dukes of Hazzard. I love the way my gun sounds when I pull the trigger and I love the way our flag looks when hoisted high over anything. So when 4th of July comes and I git a chance to sit back and enjoy the fruits of our forefather's labor, I git all riled up and excited inside and just wanna blow stuff up and eat BBQ.

But it ain't 4th of July yet. Not fer another 24 hours. Its the 3rd, the stepchild of July. It don't even get a cool name like Christmas Eve does. It's just another day.....for most folks that is.

Credit: micronut

This morning (4th of July Eve Day), I picked my trusty ol climbin' parner, Skeeter, up good and early and we were in Yose-mite by 5:30am. We were gonna do our country proud by puttin up a new line I'd been scopin out for a few years over near The Nutcracker. Now Skeeter is always game fer some playtime in the mountains, and he told me as long as he makes it back to work at the Asbestos Disposal Plant by late morning he was good to go. He's on probation at the plant for an "alleged" incident in the breakroom involving a Go-Pro, a jar of Fun-Fetti cake frosting and the owner's wife, so he had to make good and get back to his shift on time or else. What with that and the massive online debt he'd run up on Fantasy Fishing.com over the past 324 months, he'd been feelin purdy down and out and in the dumps lately. I knew some fresh air and a first ascent was just what he needed.

Credit: micronut

So the break of dawn see us rackin up in The Manure Pile Buttress parking lot and we are in full blown FA mode faster than Miranda Lambert can drop a new #1 hit.

Credit: micronut

"Micro you better bring extra rounds, we're headin into unknow terrtory up there and you never know if we might encounter some..........resistence if you know what I mean." Says Skeeter glancing over his shoulder towards Curry Village.

"Yeah Skeeter, this place is crawlin with Park Rangers....Feds....ever last one of em. And you know who Feds report to doncha? Obama. Yup. That sorry 'scuse fer a leader who's single handedly ruinin' this country." I say.

Skeeter finishes racking and says "Did you know that according to Fact Check.org, health care spending has increased 15.8 percent under Obama, which is faster than inflation? And that the federal debt owed to the public has nearly doubled since Obama was sworn in, increasing by 95 percent."

I can only nod my head in disgust and reply "Did you know Dale Jr. once drove 300 miles backwards while watching A Chuck Norris movie on his i-pod?"

Ok. Nuff politikin....we got a country to turn around I got just the solution. We're gonna fan the flame national pride by nabbin a first ascent of this mighty fine line I stumbled upon while metal detectin' near the base last summer.

"Check it out skeeter.....it follows that white line all the way up to the summit, and it's all ours."

Credit: micronut

"Hooweee! Lets git er dun then Micro! Show me the way!"

We buswhack our way to the base and after Skeeter drops trou three times (combination of nerves and two KFC Cheezy Meaty Breakfast Burritos with a 72 oz Mtn Dew for breakfast in Oakhurst) we are ready to forge into the great unknown.

Credit: micronut

Skeeter jumps on the sharp and starts blowin up the virgin corner like a tornado through a trailer park.

We find the first hunderd feet to be reel slick and kinda tricky, but it goes at .10b we agree.

Credit: micronut

I grab the reigns and bust left above the belay, runnin it out like a rodeo clown from a Brahma, Skeeter says it looks like "third class right there yer on" and I tell him to "How bout you shut up!!!!!!" at the top of my lungs. A guy and gal over on Nutcracker seem to be annoyed but there just gonna have to deal. That's just how FA action goes.

[Sidenote about that young couple we saw in the parking lot headed off to do Nutcracker. I think they were foreigners. Yup. Right here in our National park. See what Obama's doin there? Lettin any ol everybody in these days. I think they're French. Skeeter thinks they're from Iran....or Berkeley.....and I'm just sayin....suspicious is all. I'm gonna keep my eye on em today to make sure they ain't pullin no funny business up there.]

Here's a shot of Skeeter at the first belay. Lovin the freedum of the hills. While it lasts.

Credit: micronut

At the top of my pitch I have to wrassle a big old manzanita bush to within an inch of my life but I emerge victorious and unscathed. Skeeter is less fortunate.

Credit: micronut

He gets tore up on his bicep while fightin' the beast and immediately starts bleedin like a stuck pig. He also gits all scratched up in the nether parts. He says his crotch will never be the same but that it kinda feels nice. "Kinda took the itch out of the area that I been dealin with for the past few months."

"See Skeeter" I say, tryin to look at the bright side, "I told you....climbin' cures everything."
"We nab this FA and hoist Ol Glory on the summit and your problems at work and on line are all just gonna fade into oblivion. And tomorrow we'll eat tater salad and blow some stuff up. Its all startin' to turn around. I can feel it"

"And you'd be right. First ascent of Everest?" I quiz.
"Mericans"
"Yup, How bout first NIAD?" I probe.
"Mericans."
"And fastest time on the Nose till recently?"
"Florine and Hiriyama....both Mericans! "

We keep this up till he reaches the belay and and by the time he clips in we're in a frenzy of patriotism.

Skeeter spends a few minutes tryin to trundle a boulder bigger than Texas,

Credit: micronut

but "Thant thing aint gonna budge, prolly been there for months!"

After two more pitches of cracks and terrain prettier than Shania Twain in church clothes I pull the final lip, the entire route spilling below me in a dizzying unbroken swath of pure stone, and reach the summit.

Credit: micronut

Success is ours. And it tastes of freedom. Our forefathers would be proud. We have pushed into deep water from the comfort of the shore and have found the promised land. We stand on top, soaking in the beauty of the achievement. We stand victorious on this untrodden peak and celebrate the achievement in a manner befitting kings.

Credit: micronut

Skeeter begs me to take a selfie of him and I oblige....though I'm purdy sure that's not how a selfie works.

Credit: micronut

First Ascents are always special. And for a moment we just stare out across the great valley and enjoy the company of eachother in this special place, this special mountain, our mountain, on this special day. 4th of July Eve Day 2014.

Credit: micronut

Our moment of purity is broken by voices from below. Its the foreigners......and they're approachin' fast.

Credit: micronut

We pack up quick and take a few minutes building some trail ducks/cairns heading the wrong way, northeast over sketchy terrain to a cliff out.

"That'll teach em to poach on our National lands" I say.

"Yup." Echoes Skeeter. "At least we got the FA today and they had to settle for a trade route."

"Member when you got me that "WHY GET A JOB WHEN YOU CAN VOTE DEMOCRAT" sticker for my truck? That was so thoughtful man....I just wanna say yer the best climbin pardner a feller could ever climb with. No matter what happens to this country in the coming years, I'm forever yer Huckleberry. Yer always stoked, you don't need much sleep, you take all the hard pitches and you never back down."

"Yup Micro. Guess that makes you an me two peas in a pod. Now how bout we go git a six pak fer the drive home, I gotta be back at work in two hours or there'll be hell to pay."

Credit: micronut

"Lead the way old friend" I reply....."Lead the way."

Postscript: The party below us actually turned out to be a nice couple from....wait for it....Canada. You shoulda seen his face when he pulled over the top of Nutcracker for the first time and saw Adam sittin there with his "NO FOREIGNERS" wife-beater. He was a nice guy but I think he thought we were idiots. And I don't think he really understood our 4th of July excitement. The drive home from these early am Valley Before Work missions is always hard. But a quick dip in the pool back at my place woke up the senses and got Adam ready for his shift at the hospital while I headed off to find fireworks for the Independence day festivities. Happy 4th of July Supertopo. May your freedom never be taken for granted and your rights be always inalienable.

Credit: micronut

And lets be honest. We all know Americans invented the Cannonball. Here's livin' proof.

You boys might get a bit upset, but hate to break it down like it iz in my thick Russian accent.

Dat 5.10see slippery korner waz klimbed by mee and my friend Vasiliy back in 2011. No helmets. We rated it 5.10bee plus. Since we were out on an adventure, we didn't spray on ze internet, kuz dats not what brosef stalin taught us real men. Maybe you get first ascent next time boys.

Most lulzy TR I've read I reckon, my felow freedom lovin Patriots ,,,, jokes about gubbermint, obummer and payin respect to these united states of merica and the inferiority of foreigners,,,, all that is GUD in the world. Why tonight my girlfriend and I were at our local super Walmart and she wouldn't let me buy a true patriot shirt displayin old glory, america, and an eagle with a flag as its color. I'm startin to suspect she ain't murican would ya believe!

No lie, I have four different pair, including matching pants. I swam for the US team in the mid 1990s. Wearing them on the world stage was a highlight of my life back then. Now they are pretty much just rad costumes.

Let's invade Canadia. The Americas don't need no royalty, no kings, no BP and no RBC, Lloyd's, HSBC, Barklays, Standard or any other colonial banks. And no Ginger Kings.
The Declaration of Independence is specifically a letter to the king saying that the world is done with royalty and divine providence. All 'mericans are created equal. Off with their pasty ginger heads!

No TR is complete until you reply my friend. I have held my breath (literally a new personal record for me) for the past 46 hours waiting for your comment. Fear not my friend, you too shall be a subject in one of these reports, we merely need to sync or life schedules and make it happen. See you in the high places mi amigo. Thanks for chiming in.

This whole thread is absurd. That route you climbed one of the most-climbed routes in the world. FA? Are you kidding?! Laughable! And you looked ridiculous! Sorry for the wake-up call, but it time someone showed their intelligence on here.

Murcy are you kidding me? We found a new line on a great formation and all you have to share is negativity? Sounds like jealousy to me brah. Let me guess.....

You vote Democrat,
You drive a Subaru,
You think Carter should be on Mt. Rushmore,
You think the housing market crashed because of predatory lending,
You think personal injury lawyers are "looking out for the little guy,"
You think 12 quickdraws are a "rack".

We got up early, put some elbow grease into a rad first ascent of an unclimbed gem and tagged the summit before you woke up to go work in your cubicle at the ACLU office and you're just steamin cause you didn't get to go climbin.

"That route you climbed is one of the most climbed routes in the world."

Micronut delivers the goods once again - and in a never-before-seen first (I'm not talking about the climb) an American pokes fun at patriotism and nationalism on the 4th of July. I swear you & Macronut have the most fun climbing of any TRs on here - always helps me keep the psych high reading about it - so thanks for sharing it with us.