Bros Like This Site featured In:

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I can’t believe this shit is almost over. It seriously feels like football just fucking started. As amazing as the buildup and ultimate shit show that is #104 Super Bowl Sunday will be, the completion of the NFL season leads to one of the worst stretches of the year where the closest thing we have to sports “entertainment” is Kenny Smith arguing with himself about whether Ernie Johnson or Charles Barkley look better in a fucking photo-shopped sombrero and mustache. Even worse, it’s almost as if hot Slam Pieces are fucking allergic to cold, since they’re nowhere to be found. Sure, it’s true that most Slam Pieces fly South of Bros’ belts for Winter, but still, it’s not like the fucking Summertime lay-up line. So, over the next couple months, with football and slam pieces (for the most part) out of the picture, what the fuck is there to look forward to? Why the fuck should we even drag ourselves out of bed? Because Winter means one thing: mother fucking Snow Days.
Ever since we were young Bros-in-Training, snow has meant one thing: fun. While the definition of that fun might have changed over the years from playing video games all day to getting a #145 BJ while #142 blacked out from some stranger you met at the bar, the point is, we’re still living it up. Bros aren’t like the rest of Bro-Hater society who see snow as another reason to complain just so people will listen to them since they’re probably losers whose only companions, their cats, probably fucking hate them too.

I live in DC, so here, anytime there’s even a mention of snow, people act like there’s some Ebola outbreak and the only fucking antidote is a three-year supply of Milk, Bread, and toilet paper. Every grocery store the night before a “light dusting” is like fucking New Orleans during Katrina. I keep waiting for some old White lady in a wheel chair to draw a fucking glock and scream out, “WHAT?? WHAT?? YOU GONNA STEP TO THIS?? THEM’S MY MOTHERFUCKING APPLE JACKS BITCH.” Unlike the rest of society, Bros are sophisticated, so instead of panicking, we know how to have a good time on a snow day.

Take off School/Work – While #111 High School bros might be at the mercy of the some fucking School Administrator playing God deciding if they have to go to class, College and Working Bros don’t have to deal with that shit. In College, the minute it started snowing, I immediately decided it was a fucking Snow Day, no matter if School was closed or not. Sure all I had to do was roll out of bed and cross the street for class, but you just can’t be too cautious! Besides, I never fucking went to class anyways, this just gave me an excuse so I didn’t have that split second of guilt that I was flushing my parents’ money down the toilet. “BUT NYB! ONCE YOU START WORKING SNOW DAYS ARE OVER!!” Fucking please. Save your fairy tales for the window lickers on the short bus. Anytime there’s ANY sort of snow-like precipitation I immediately call my boss and tell him, “Listen, you KNOW I’d sacrifice my life for this company, but I’m just terrified at endangering the lives of others in this nasty weather.” Boom: Motherfucking Snow Day.

Get Wasted - The first snowflake for a Bro is like the dinner bell for Pavlov’s dogs – only difference is we chug our fucking meals. No matter where they are or what the fuck they’re doing, Bros drop that shit so they can go get fucking hammered. Snow days are fucking celebrations. While everyone else is preparing for Nuclear Fucking Winter at the grocery store, you can pick out the Bro by his shopping cart filled with the bare essentials aka a shitload of Natty and cups for #6 beer pong. While cold weather might be the ultimate panty-freezer, snow causes even the most hibernated slam pieces to get loose. Getting some slam piece to march miles in a fucking blizzard just ride the Midnight Train to Pound Town is about as Bro as it fucking gets.

Ruin Other People’s “Fun” – Bros fucking love getting all sauced up and straight up destroying shit. There’s truly no better time to pull this shit off than on a Snow Day. While Bros are busy getting wasted, all the other fucking losers are outside playing in the snow. Back in College at William and Mary we used to get all drunk then head down to where all the loser nerds hung out in the Sunken Gardens. While they tried to make up for the fact they were social fucking retards by acting like they were in the 2nd grade and making snowmen, we would approach them. We acted all nice, even asking what their snowman’s name was (because these fucking nerds obviously gave them names). After we had them exactly where we wanted them, we fucking destroyed that shit. And not just the snow itself - if they had carrots, we’d break them in half – if that piece of shit snowman had a fucking top hat, it’d be ripped up. We basically abided by a strict “scorched Snow policy” - no fucking snowman would ever be built on that ground again. They would cry and call us assholes, but then we’d just tell them to go fuck themselves and pelt snowballs at their heads. That’s what those bitches got for being fucking different.

Every morning/afternoon that a Bro wakes up in the bitter cold of Winter, he has one thought on his mind: I can’t fucking wait until Summer. While Spring and Summer may very well be when Bros are in full bloom, who the fuck says we can’t be Bros today? Nothing has EVER stopped Bros from being Bros, so why should we let that bitch Mother Nature do it? Fuck that. Embrace the Cold. Get Wasted. Bang Strangers. Dominate the Snow Days. Be the Bro.

16 comments:

Two winters ago at Loyola we had a snow week. Definition of a bender. We had off from the Thursday before the Super Bowl to the second monday after it. The only places in the city of Baltimore that were open were the bars and the Chinese restaurant.

The koreans who owned the liquor stores near our campus must have drove Hummers, because those stores wouldnt close no matter how bad it got. It could have been fucking The Day After Tomorrow and I could still slide down to the G st mini mart (i went to GWU) and grab 4 30 packs. They used to give a 10% "Suspicious Student Discount." Come to think of it, I probably spent enough on 30s to pay for a fucking hummer.

I strongly agree it is hard to be the most Bro you can be in the winter. Thats why I live in Scottsdale, Arizona (one of the #135 richest cities in the nation). Bars are crazy here all year and this has to be the #3 slut capital of the world...Imagine if the entire country was warm all year.

I used to live in Memphis- same deal as D.C.: weather report calls for flurries, and you would think the War of Northern Aggression was barreling down the Mississippi River Valley, furiously raping anyone who couldn't produce a shiny new snow shovel or a bunch of fucking bread on demand.

Here in NYC, bros seize upon any excuse piss away money until 4am with the focused tenacity of a stallion on the trail of a mare in heat. You've never met a man more dedicated to his job than the Manhattan bar owner- the Angel of Death could be busting first-born caps left and right, but his shit will be open until 4am to serve we thirsty assholes.

Isn't this Monday is a snow day? Time to stock up on malt liquor and MD 20/20s!

Since youre a DC bro NYB, you'll appreciate this. Me and my George Mason bros went through 4 kegs the week of that insane blizzard we had 2 years ago. No school all week and to top it all off, the following sunday was the super bowl. Got another keg just for the occasion. Gotta love a snow day turning into a snow week.

"There’s truly no better time to pull this shit off than on a Snow Day. While Bros are busy getting wasted, all the other fucking losers are outside playing in the snow. Back in College at William and Mary we used to get all drunk then head down to where all the loser nerds hung out in the Sunken Gardens. While they tried to make up for the fact they were social fucking retards by acting like they were in the 2nd grade and making snowmen, we would approach them."

Speaking of which I just googled Sunken Gardens, and this lame ass website came up: Can you believe this shit? this guy even goes as far as calling Bros and Slampieces "twamps" like he's better than them or some shit. Now I for one will not stand for this, and neither should anyone else so here is a link to this website. The fucker who takes random photos of people while they're not looking. Obviously, this must be punished

American bros are apparently vaginas when it comes to snow. A snowstorm equals a drive out to the mountains in canada with a snowstorm goin down outside...and inside...the vehicle. Stopping only to assist slampieces crahed into the snowpiled median because as we all know slampieces crash in good weather nevermind icy shit.