So you want know How to smell as bad as heck, do you? Well, smelling as bad as heck isn't easy. No, it requires great, great skill for all. I know this stuff because I am a master of it. I see all stink, I hear all stink, I know all stink. Wherever there's stink, I'm attentive.

This book will help you master the art of smelling as bad as heck. Of course, there are some essential tools you will need before you can get started. I recommend the following:

Contents

The first thing you must know about smelling as bad as heck is what stinks. You must know the stink. Not knowing what stinks and what doesn't can be fatal to your ever having a chance of smelling as bad as heck.

Such things that smell as bad as heck are those mentioned in the intro. Put down this book and bring those things with you. Then start reading again.

Okay. Assuming you've grabbed those things and brought them with you, we shall continue.

First, grab the moldy sandwich. Notice how it has green, fuzzy stuff on it. Now, rub yourself all over with the sandwich. Pretend it's a bar of soap. That's it. Now smell yourself. If you notice a slightly foul odor, you've just done your first stinky act.

What you must do next is slightly harder. Take the old balogna and stuff it into the smelly sock. If you have a smelly shoe or boot, put the smellysock (with the balogna) and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days.

Now that a couple of days have passed take what you put out in the sun and rub it all over yourself, just like you did the sandwich. Now, you should smell worse. Check with someone nearby to make sure. If their eyes tear up and they run away, you've done it right!

Your next assignment is to take fish eggs and a fish. That's the idea. Now squish them together and do anything else you can think of like that. Now put the egged fish on your head. You're doing great!

Now, here's the tricky part. Go onto your treadmill and run a while. If you notice a wet sensation sliding down your head, you've done great. What's important about this is that you smell like fish sweat. Something very hard to do is what you've just done.

You are close to knowing how to smell as bad as heck even better than me! You've done an excellent job. Give yourself a pat on the back to show I mean it.

Now, you see that pig I told you to get at the beginning of this book? Well, why don't you feed it corn or something? Play around with it. After all, rolling in the mud will make you all the more stinky. Have fun! Then be sure to pet your skunk until it sprays you with pleasure.

Now that you're done with that, how's about you take a look at your cooked beans. Don't eat them just yet! Let's go over what beans are and why we stinky people eat them.

Beans, of course, were brought to the country by King Beany III. King Beany III loved beans because of the magic they can do. But what magic could that be? Why, it could only be farting! Farting, of course, is caused by beans. No other food can perform such a powerful thing.

So, eat. Eat beans and be stinky with farts! That's it! Take one big gulp to show King Beany III that you're proud! And now, my friend, you are a true master of how to smell as bad as heck. Thank you for reading this book.

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