Thoughts from the ammo line

Ammo Grrrll isn’t asking for herself. She is PETITIONING FOR A FRIEND. She writes:

Of all the things I hate to do – flying, going to the doctor every five to seven years for my annual check-up, being assaulted by CNN in airports (See: Flying) – approaching strangers to get them to sign a petition has to be very high on my list. And yet that is what I have been doing for several weeks on behalf of a good friend, Glenn Morrison, who is running for Constable of Pinal County here in Arizona. Up until Glenn threw his hat in the ring, I had no idea that we HAD a Constable or even what a Constable did. I assumed it maybe had something to do with housing horses. That is incorrect. Look it up.

We needed around 300 signatures to qualify for ballot status. In truth, we “need” fewer than that, but PEOPLE LIE and say that they are Republicans, when in fact, they are Democrats. This is not surprising – I would be ashamed to say I was a Democrat, too, but it turns out that it is not embarrassment that drives them, but deliberate deception.

Since Glenn is running in the Republican primary and we ask specifically if people are Independents or Republicans before they can sign, some people are so disrespectful of the process that they would deliberately misrepresent their voter registration status in order to invalidate the signatures and render all your work for naught.

Going house to house in my own neighborhood was a joy and a chance to get to know a few more of my neighbors. Almost my whole long block – both sides – is solid Republican. Even the few Democrats I ran into outside our Village Clubhouse were perfectly polite, with a couple of rare rude exceptions from New York and Boston. (No! Surely not!)

Seeking signatures in the Greater DLV outside our subdivision is complicated by the fact that we have so many snowbirds and Canadians cluttering up our Malls and invigorating our economy. If you are not a Resident of Pinal County, you cannot vote here or sign a petition. Though, clearly, many non-citizens from various poopy-pants countries* vote anyway.

Anyhow, here are a few of my observations of the petitioning experience, once I MADE MYSELF get out of the house and actually do the work:

Almost every single flippin’ person is on their flippin’ phone – and no, NOT a “flip” phone. What is the matter with people who are texting while walking across Walmart’s busy parking lot with cars going every direction? They can’t ALL be waiting on a kidney transplant! I will say this – a phone makes a great natural barrier between you and a potential solicitor. People HATE being approached by anyone unless they are handing out free stuff. If they see you with a clipboard in hand, they will walk to a whole different Walmart door to avoid eye contact.

Even if they give you a wide berth, however, IF you are nimble, relentless and able to block their path, once you do your pitch, about half of them will say, “Not interested,” “NO” or “I don’t know enough about that to sign.” But, the other half will go along with you if you are smiling and friendly and holding a .45 with no obvious safety. Haha. I kid again.

Many of our fellow citizens are AFRAID to sign anything, afraid to be on “some list.” When you look at the Stalinism at Google, the Lois Lerners at the IRS, this is sad, but not irrational. Two men said that they would love to sign but were convicted felons. Oh, well. Try Minnesota!

I found that when I explained that Glenn was running in the Republican primary and you had to be “either an Independent or a Republican” to sign, and made it clear that I did not need to know which, the vast majority of people who agreed to sign were EAGER to assure me they were a Republican. Which I hope bodes well for 2018.

Way more men were willing to sign than women, maybe because of my petitioning outfit of Daisy Duke short shorts, a tube top, fishnet stockings and high heels. Because nothing looks cuter on a woman over 70 than that outfit. No, but seriously my friends, women either said they were Democrats, or did not wish to be on a list, or avoided me altogether. Women WITH men signed in equal numbers with the men. It was always so great to get a “two-fer.”

Let me tell you a little about Glenn. He is a Constitutional Republican. He is my shooting instructor, and also instructs LEOs; he is quite simply, the best teacher of ANYTHING I have ever had. He rides with the Sheriff’s Posse protecting the border. He also rides with a motorcycle drill team. He’s a great cook. And the kind of friend you would want in a fight.

One small personal anecdote about him before I ask for a little support. A few years back, when I knew him only as my husband’s instructor, Mr. AG was on an extended trip to Israel. My closest friends are Minnesota snowbirds who had not yet arrived. It was a very lonely time, my mother was sick and I had one of those “close-to-rock-bottom” afternoons. I called Glenn to see if he could get coffee or see a movie. Something. Anything. He said he was in Tucson. I thought that was the end of it. Several hours later, he called and said he was back in town and thought I had sounded “down” and he was concerned about me. I practically sprinted over to play with his great Beagle, Jasmine, and watch TV with him and his wife. It would be overdramatic to say it saved my life, but it sure did lift my spirits.

Also, if he had not taught me to shoot, this column would not exist. Can you regulars even bear to contemplate the bleak emptiness of your Friday mornings? Oh, the humanity!

Even a little local race is ridiculously expensive. Glenn had hoped to raise just $5,000. His opponent has a “money is no object” attitude. Glenn is not wealthy, just committed. He doesn’t need the same level of donations as a person facing an illness or accident. Heck, donations in the $20-50 range would be awesome. $20 buys a lawn sign. (That’s two lattes and a scone!) Do it for a good guy who is a friend of YOUR friend, Ammo Grrrll, who works her fingers to the bone every week for free in order to entertain you! I thank you in advance from the bottom of my heart. Glenn can be found at MorrisonforConstable.com.

*In deference to the delicate sensibilities of Democrats who use the adorable phrase “c*ck-holster,” giggle at bloody, severed heads, and think “F*ck Trump” projected on a football stadium is high humor, I am using the tasteful “poopy-pants” instead of the more vulgar “sh*thole countries,” whether or not the President said it.