I'm moonlighting as someones else's bitch...

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About Me

I am a stay at home mom to 4 kids, 14,10,8,& 4. I am a bit high strung and not proud of it. I like things to be clean. I yell a lot. I am a sort of jack of all trades, master of none. I am honest, don't like getting old, wish I was cooler than I am. I am sucker for celebrity gossip, good raunchy jokes and overpriced skin care.

Therapy Disclaimer

I am a reluctant stay at home mom nearing the end of my term. I am a recovering "Suzy Homemaker". I curse. I say what's on my mind. I hope that I say things that other people are thinking, just don't have the guts to say. I hope to make people laugh at or with me. I hope not to offend too many people, but know there have been a few and am quite certain there will be several more.

So, if you are looking for a dysfunctional view on mothering, being a woman , and life- you may not be disappointed here. If you are still Suzy Homemaker and think that everyone should be, I might just make you want to vomit.

Thanks Drowsey Monkey!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

You can't please all the people all the time. Ok, I get it. I knew after I pressed the "publish" button yesterday that it may have been a mistake. I know I don't have Special Services on my side for protection- so basically, I'm screwed. I'm aware of my "proud woman" card nearing revocation. I am now aware of possibly some more 'conservative' readers than I knew- yikes! Let's just chalk that up to 10MG of Klonepin and 64 ounces of coffee and call it a day. Please come back! I vow to not speak of politics or religion again, deal? Unless, of course, it's just too good to resist- I mean, come on!

I'm afraid you might be longing for my political rant after some of the crazy shit that's going through my head today...OH SO Random thoughts that make absolutely no sense together on the same page... but here goes...

***I have a painful sore on the inside of my nose. I am not picking my nose in the traditional sense. I am trying to pick the scab off because, crap, it hurts! Please keep this in mind if you ever see a disheveled woman who appears to be picking her nose!

***Thank God for regular cartoons returning. Sponge Bob has been the soundtrack of my life for the last 3 months and I was afraid I was going to have to make a vigilante trip to Bikini Bottom and take him out! Who'd a thunk I would welcome Yo Gabba Gabba, Wonderpets, and Backyardigans back into my living room, but we all need a little variety!

***I'm rocking the 'skinny jean' today- not because I can rock them or that it's 93 degrees out today, but because I have not shaved my legs in 4 days! My shower still has a gaping hole in it and is unusable. Yes, I have other showers but I am a creature of habit- thus making me a creature of another kind with fur on my legs!They are wrinkly because they have been shoved on a shelf since I bought them at Target for $4.48 last season- are they coming back this season or am I screwed out of $4.48?***My handyman (dad) will not be able to fix this one with caulk (his tool of choice), unfortunately. I tried to put my little mishap in perspective because of the hurricane and all, but they were spared, and I still have a big hole in my shower- so much for a positive attitude! I just have to remind drunk people dressed up like hippies on Saturday to NOT THROW UP IN THE MASTER BATHROOM SHOWER!Avert your eyes from the soap scum- dammit!

***And finally, for you dream weavers out there... I had the weirdest dream last night... I was out to lunch with my step mom and had to go to the bathroom (with tampon in hand). The tampon was too large and wouldn't 'go in'. As I struggled with it, the diamond from my earring fell onto the floor of the bathroom stall. I was having a hard time deciding whether to continue my battle with the tampon or look on the nasty floor for my diamond. I found the diamond and was relieved to have an excuse (the diamond) to tell my step mom why I was in the bathroom so long. All the while, the tampon was horribly uncomfortable! WTF? Right?

What a weird dream, I will gladly take my night with Mr. Timberlake over battling it out with a tampon and lost diamond. LOL

Love the skinny jeans, my daughter wore some to school today but when we bought them she was like Mom, you should get a pair too and I was like Uh, you have to have skinny legs for skinny jeans. You rock them good I am jealous!

You rock those jeans, woman! And as far as yesterday's "political rant"? This is YOUR blog, and you should say what ever you feel like saying! Who cares if others don't agree with you or like your politics! That's who you are and I want to see the real you!~Christy

OK: The tampon OBVIOUSLY is your husband. You are not a "good fit" these days. The "diamond" represents financial security that you're worried about "losing". Having to "explain why you were away" represents the guilt you feel at not spending time with someone: mom? stepmom? kids?

For the record, I think Happy Hour Sue is brilliant. Right on the mark. That being said, my shrink is only $180.00 per session, which would then give you an extra 20 dollars to go buy 4 more pairs of those hot jeans! Lookin' good! Never would have known you were in need of some ladyscaping.