I would just like to warn everyone, this chapter deals with religion, so if you're sensitive to that subject don't read any further. I listen to I'm Fine while writing this, because I'm Fine!

[Welcome back to the Sporking Room, where our favorite word is fun!]Todays Sporkers are...Ms. MayaWhere's Nick?Larry ButzW-What? I don't want to be here! I know that the management HAS to be lying! I won't appear this time...Miles EdgeworthI'm stuck in here with Maya and Larry? Oh joy...

Maya entered her new class for the third time. This time, she had a reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally big bible in her hands. It looked very heavy too. In fact, it's so heavy that she was dragging it across the floor along with half the class pushing it from behind.

Edgeworth: After all that happened last time the principal thinks it's a good idea to make Maya teach religion? I honestly don't know what to say...

Maya: Why WOULDN'T he want me to teach religion?

Larry: Yeah, Edgey, she's too good a teacher not to teach religion.

Edgeworth: I want to get out of here as soon as possible, so I won't get into any of the reasons.

Maya: Because you don't have any, do you?

Edgeworth: (Just ignore her.)

Quote:

"Class, today we'll be learning about religion! We'll spend half an hour each on different religions! Since we only have one subject per day for some reason, you'd better pay attention! Now give me five bucks for attention!"

The children happily paid the five dollars their beloved, psychotic teacher asked them for.

Maya: Hey! What do you mean psychotic?

Edgeworth: Heh...

Maya: Edgeworth, stop laughing! *pouts*

Larry: Yeah Edgey, stop being so rude! *holds up fists*

Edgeworth: (But it was funnier then the paying attention joke!) Am I the only one questioning why these children are actually paying her?

Quote:

"All right, since the paying is all over and done with, we'll start studying now! I spent all that two minutes of my life getting it in here and now, we'll be reading every single page of it!" Maya said.

Maya: But reading is sooooo boring!

Larry: Yeah, just let me appear and make it fun again, author!

Quote:

The children opened their really big and dull bibles to page who-knows-what and started reading the said page.

"NO! What do you think you're doing?!" screamed Maya, her hands outstretched dramatically.

"We're reading the bible, like what you told us to do," answered a little girl whose name is unimportant right now.

Maya: So what, am I just pointing at these kids now? "There's a contradiction in your bible! It says that the Judge created the universe...but everyone knows that it was made by the three Burgers of Light!"

Larry: What? My old girlfriend Wendy said it was made by a monkey over a week or so, and then he evolved into a snake and told these two Pikachus to eat a pokeblock and-

Edgeworth: That goes against just about every religion that exists. Stop.

Quote:

Maya kept her hand outstretched, "Yeah, but I told you to read this bible. And this one's different from yours!"

"And why's that?"

"Well, for one, it's much bigger! And it's different from your bible! This one's special! This one's more interesting!"

Edgeworth: *facepalm*

Maya: Ms. Maya, they're the exact same, yours is just bigger!

Larry: Why are you arguing with it? The bigger the better! I learnt that while with my first girlfriend...

Edgeworth: Larry, there's a lady in the room.

Larry: Oh, hehe, sorry Maya...

Maya: ...

Quote:

The children stared at her, confused.

"See, this bible is filled with different stories and in those stories, if notice, have meanings behind them," she explained.

The children nodded their heads and began reading the over-sized bible.

Edgeworth: Actually, why would the children willingly read a bible?

Maya: Because since I'm the teacher, it's more fun!

Quote:

Contents:

The Old Testament

Nick…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….12

Larry……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………26

Edgeworth…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………44

Franziska…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….67

Hamburger…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………72

The New Testament

Hamburgers………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..88

Other People in the AA Series Whose Names I Am Too Lazy To Type....….…………………95-END

Edgeworth: Why exactly is burgers in italics?

Maya: Because burgers!

Edgeworth: *rolls eyes* Of course, anyway, may I ask why exactly Larry has his own chapter, let alone an 18 page one?

Larry: Come on Edgey! Why wouldn't they want to learn about me?

Edgeworth: A couple thousand reasons come to mind...

Quote:

They somehow finished the book in twenty minutes and closed the really heavy bible and pushed it out the door with much difficulty.

"For Buddhism, we'll be kneeling down for half an hour and chant words that I do not know the meaning of non-stop! And after that, I'll be lecturing you on Dharma, which are the teachings of Buddha."

The class cheered. What's so great about kneeling to such an extent that your legs become numb and hurt whenever you move it? Oh, wait. Nothing. Nothing at all.

Edgeworth: I wouldn't touch this part with a mile long stick.

Maya: I wouldn't either...

Larry: Why not? It's true isn't it?

Edgeworth: Larry, please.

Larry: Ohhhhh...because some people believe in it and take offense? Okay, fine.

Edgeworth: Thank you.

Maya gets all the kids to sit down and chant, followed by her reading a story about a mango tree

Edgeworth: At least they skipped that part.

Quote:

"And now, the religion of the Muslim!"

The kids cheered again.

"This religion will be special since we'll have someone telling us about it and I don't have to explain at all! Please welcome, Miss…Um…I think we'll just call her 'Miss' I left my notes about this at the burger joint."

Larry: Huh? What's this about a Miss? I thought I was appearing in this chapter!

Maya: You guys didn't lie to him again, did you?

Speakers: We didn't, trust us!

Edgeworth: Since when is the management trustworthy?

Quote:

The class clapped.

A man with a very long beard came in. "Good morning class," he said.

Larry: Wait...Ms. Santa Claus?

Maya: Didn't you dress as Santa one time?

Quote:

aya, then, remembered that the spokesperson was a man and not a woman. She gave the class a 'don't-call-him-'miss'-or-else-you-treat-me-to-lunch' look. The class didn't notice her look at all. And that meant that they had to treat her to lunch later on.

"Good morning, Miss!" the class chorused.

The man in front started to tear up. "Why are you calling me 'Miss' when I'm actually a 'Mister'? Now I have to deal with teaching gender-confused children as well as my break-up with *loud truck noise*!"

Maya looked up, "Larry? Is that you? I didn't know that you were Muslim!"

Maya: Pfft...Hey Ms. Butz, you finally appeared!

Edgeworth: Indeed, aren't you happy, Ms. Butz?

Larry: S-Shut up!

Quote:

"Maya! Nice to see you again! No, I am not. I'm just taking this as a job. I'm losing jobs one by one! Don't tell anyone! What are you doing here; I thought you were supposed to be in the office with Nick!"

Edgeworth: Why is there an exclamation mark at the end there? You don't just yell that in someones face.

Maya: It is Ms. Butz we're talking about here.

Larry: Cut it out!

Quote:

"Hee…Hee…Hee, yeah. I'm taking this job as a part-time job so that I can have more money for burgers!"

Maya: I don't need a part time job for that! I just use Nick's wallet if I want burgers!

Edgeworth: I am a prosecutor you know...

Maya: You have a thief as a partner though!

???: I've never heard about this, his partner's a GREAT thief.

Edgeworth: *sigh*

Quote:

"Okay, enough talk. I'll start teaching them now," Maya nodded as he said this, "Okay, class, if you think you're a boy, then you're a girl and vice versa, understand?"

The children nodded and this was how they really became gender-confused.

Maya got up from her chair that she was sitting on during Larry's lecture. "Right, she said. Now it's time for the next religion! Guess! I'll give you a hint! The first syllable of the word is: CAT!"

Edgeworth: Why is cat in capitals?

Maya: Cthulhu's big...so are capitals...it must be Cathulhu!

Larry: Like...Cthulhu...but a cat?

Maya: Yeah!

Edgeworth: *opens mouth, closes it again*

Quote:

The children thought, and thought, and thought. About five minutes later, they shouted one word: CAT!

"Er…No, 'Cat' is not a religion. It's an animal that has whiskers and is so loved that people have written a book about it they call 'Warriors'. Catholic is the answer. Here's an interesting fact: if you notice carefully, you can separate the word into two and those are: CAT and HOLIC. And that means people who go crazy over cats! But not all of them! Strange, huh?"

Edgeworth: That is not what the religion is about!

Maya: I thought it was Cathulhu!

Quote:

The children nodded. "What's the difference between Christian and Catholic?" a little girl/boy said. (Yes, she doesn't know which gender she is anymore thanks to Larry, "I mean, they both go to church and all."

"Well, for one, they are spelled differently! And you can't separate 'Christian' into two actual words like 'Catholic'! That answer your question?" The little girl nodded.

"So, what did you learn today, little one?" the bald principal asked. Something happened with his shaver and he shaved his hair off accidentally and he did not bother to buy a wig because he thinks they are cursed.

The gender-confused kid answered, "Today I learnt that the bible is very interesting and that we shouldn't mistake a boy for a girl and vice versa. Also, Ms. Maya taught us the difference between Christian and Catholic!"

"Good boy."

Edgeworth: Great, now even the principal is believing this.

Maya: I would make such a good teacher...

Edgeworth: No. Stop thinking about it. You would be fired by now if this was a real school...

[the lights come back on]

Edgeworth: I'm done. Good bye.

Maya: Rude. Don't you agree Ms. Butz?

Larry: Yeah, Ms. Edgey is so mean, Mr. Fey.

[And the two of them leave, talking about Ms- I mean, Mr. Edgeworth]

Thank you to Rubia for editing again! And before anyone says Maya and Larry are OOC, I want everyone to know I purposely made them a bit silly for this fic.

Update on Turnabout Storm, Part Six: a storm knocked out the internet at the house I'm staying at this week, so I won't be able to post it until this weekend at the latest. (Currently posting from mobile with 4G.)

I've got part of a sporking for The Hellspawn done, but apparently, I've gotten several requests for me to take Bramimond's DGS crackfic, which takes place during game production, so there aren't any spoilers. For that one, I haven't started on it yet since I'm in the middle of brainstorming.

Jesus, Moonlit. What did you put in it that it would take 26 pages? Now I'm curious to see it. Well, I've lately been editing sporks left and right, so I don't mind lending a hand with yours. Next time, if your sporking seems to take more than 15 pages, it's probably worth splitting it up into multiple parts.

Jesus, Moonlit. What did you put in it that it would take 26 pages? Now I'm curious to see it. Well, I've lately been editing sporks left and right, so I don't mind lending a hand with yours. Next time, if your sporking seems to take more than 15 pages, it's probably worth splitting it up into multiple parts.

*nervous laugh* well they were wide ruled pages... but I guess I should have done that. Alright, just give me a while to transpose it onto the interwebs and then send it to you.

The fic isn't bad overall, but it has some narm moments that break the serious tone.

Now let's meet today's sporkers, the AAI team:

Franziska von Karma!"Objection! I played a secondary role in that game!"

Miles Edgeworth!"You should be glad that you don't play a starring role in this place.

And Kay Faraday!"For once, I'll use the door."

[We open up in the sporking theatre. The three sporkers are already seated. Jeez, things are going fast today.]

Edgeworth: Is true that we'll have to spork another foreign fic?

Kay: Yep, or that's what the Management told me.

Franziska: Are these fools planning an international expansion?

Kay: Bad fanfiction knows no frontiers!

Edgeworth: There goes my plan of moving abroad to escape this place.

Kay: Hey, narrator, Who's going to translate it?

Speakers: Guess.

Edgeworth: Ms. Cykes? I can't believe the Management lets you be there again.

Speakers: We have a deal. I've translated this fic for them and so I don't have to undergo any punishments for that little incident. That's my lawyering skills for you! Yeah...I wouldn't count on that. What!? But you told me... We know. We lied. Grr!*plaf* Yeowch! You're going to pay for that! Ack! Let me go!

I closed the lighter and kneeled down, to pray for his deceased soul. In a fit of rage. I teared off the moss of the grave. I cursed myself for what I had just done. I left that place of bleakness. Before that, I headed to an old mausoleum. I opened the door and entered it. I used the light of the lighter to look for the name of an inscription. Dozens of names could be read along the hallway. "Aldous von Karma, Alfred von Karma, Susan von Karma, Arkan von Karma, Sophia and Anthoine von Karma...Charles von Karma..."

"Your brother...is dead.", "We found the body charred in the living room." "We're very sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Von Karma."

Edgeworth: Someone burnt a body in the living room of all places!? This murderer doesn't seem too interested in getting away with their crime.

Kay: I didn't know you had a brother, Ms. von Karma.

Edgeworth: Her father mentioned a granddaughter in my trial. Nnnngh!

Franziska: Don't be foolish, little brother! You lived at my home for a long time! You should know my family!

Speakers: The Management would like to remind all of you that breaking the fourth wall is strictly prohibited, as it is speculating about canon and your knowledge about it. We don't want to break the space-time. And for the record, according to a certain fan-book, Franziska von Karma does have a sister, not a brother.

Franziska: How do you know that!?

Speakers: We have to do the research, or else the dog will get mad at us.

My father hated my brother, because he didn't want to hear a word about perfection. He hated my mother, because she was, according to my father, imperfect. He hated Miles, because he shot him in the DL-6 incident, because his father had got mine penalized.

I left the cemetery and headed to the hospital to visit Phoenix Wright. I looked at the starry sky again. A shooting star appeared and I made a wish. That perfection doesn't exist...

Franziska: That's the foolest wish I've ever heard.

Edgeworth: I actually agree. She denied the existence of perfection the previous paragraph, so her wish was already fulfilled before she wished it.

Kay: It's like if I wish to be a Great Thief!

[The lights come back]

Edgeworth: It's over? It was less painful than I expected.

Franziska: Speak for yourself. I can barely move.

Kay: Bye, guys. I'm going to investigate what is the Management planning to do with Athena. *smoke bombs away*

Edgeworth: If you're really that bad, I think a visit to the clinic is in order.

[Edgeworth helps Franziska up and so the sporkers leave. What does this place of doom have in store for the future? The comfy thrones and the window to the world of fiction will be waiting for some brave heroes to come and...]

Luck, since I've never seen your pre-edited sporks, I can't tell if you improved or not. However, the sporking itself was fine like your other sporks. Nearly all of your issues are grammatical ones such as-

Quote:

Edgeworth: Ms. Cykes? I can't believe the Management lets you be there again.

Should be something more like-

Quote:

Edgeworth: Ms. Cykes? I can't believe that the Management is allowing you to be here again after last time.

But I know that English isn't your first language, so minor errors like that are to be expected. Anyway, I really like the narrator's new power and if the glitch does get fixed, I'm really going to miss him. And I am curious as to who or what this "dog" is. Although, I am mildly saddened that they weren't told that they technically sporked that fic before, but Godot mistranslated it.

Last edited by Skittlemask on Fri Aug 21, 2015 5:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Nice one again, luck. Normally, I would prefer that Franziska doesn't keep whipping the screen and getting herself electrocuted, but in this case, she doesn't have Nick or Gumshoe to whip. The other two aren't as deserving of it either, so I think it's just the right amount of brash frustration on her part.

Edit: I've finally started on sporking Bramimond's crackfic. The intro was a lot easier than expected to write and playing around with Holmes is oh-so fun. Expect to see it published within the next two days, everyone.

I think an update on the list of recommended fics is in order. I've cleaned the already sporked and the erased ones, because this is getting huge.

Spoiler:

Shadow Magician wrote:

I have now read through every spork (save 'some R18 fic'...) and the image of me, trying to stifle my laughter at 4 in the morning came very true. :DI've found some spork-worthy material which would strike fear into the hearts of ocertain sporkers: a Phoenix/Maya lemon. A badly-written lemon.And here we are, ladies and gentlemen.

Aquabreeze claimed this one but we haven't heard of her in a while

Rubia Ryu the Royal wrote:

One moment, please.

I still love this thread. If anyone hasn't done this one yet, I have an offering:

Speaking of new fics, has anyone tried this one? Oh dear. I can't bring myself to go behind the first few paragraphs... because ROFL.

Thane sporked the first chapter, but there's another one

SenorJustice-dono, who has not posted in the thread in a while wrote:

I was thinking of sporking one myself that was just some nonsense about the Roman Empire and a time-travelling Phoenix that inexplicably comes to defend someone from the Roman empires and it's just train wreck of a fic. Another thing that's weird is random cameos from Bobby Fulbright and Simon Blackquill, which are nonsensical because of the fact that a.) Blackquill is out of jail after DD, despite the fact that the fic has him in jail with one of the main characters, and b.)"Bobby Fulbright" is still in his detective guise, just to sput his catchphrase. Here's the link if you want to read it: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9936350/1/The-extreme-skip-of-time-the-meeting-of-the-greatest-attorneys-ever

SeniorJustice-dono is still working on it

Rubia gave up on this one but has already done the first two chapters.This one has been updated recently

On a different note, if we're starting to allow more and more NSFW fanfics, apparently. I'll just throw this out: Manfred and Miles. Thoughts?

sumguy28 wrote:

Oh, and has this been sporked yet? Just by that description alone, it feels like a crime if it hasn't been sporked.

PoppyCorn was doing this one, but she hadn't showed up around here recently

Saresa wrote:

I found this one fic on FF.net. It's no way as horrifying or creepy as the ones we've had recently... alright, it *is* creepy, but not in the same way.

It's basically a copy-paste of the first 2 canon cases, with a Mary-Sue shoved in to steal Nick's heart and save everyone with her "amazing detective skills". It was a real pain to read. If no one is interested, I would like to spork this one, though I have no idea on where to start from with a format like that.

Thane was working on the sporking for that but hasn't posted in the thread in a while and only did the first chapter.

Anyway, here's the link to that crossover I mentioned. I notice gratuitous amounts of OOC and a time set "1000 years" after LoK, which at most would be represented by the late 1800s - early 1900s by our history. Also, the author has no concept of how bending is supposed to work.

As of the time of this post, HermannVonKarma and I are working on a sporking of this.

TheJettSet27 wrote:

I would enjoy sporking a fanfiction sometime. In fact, I have a couple lined up. The first one is actually written well, it's just the shipped characters and the use of the magatama I find most interesting:https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3925051/1/ ... SUCCESSFULThis is one I would bring Adrian or Luke in, considering they're the couple in here.

And finally (making this more than a couple) another Kristoph one. He is found not guilty and allowed to roam free. This has bonus points in my book for the mention of him wearing one glove because all I could see in my head was him in a Michael Jackson outfit.https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10778356/1 ... Chronicles

wizkid99 wrote:

Instead of a sporking, I wanted find something you guys to have this fanfic I found while browsing through Ace Attorney fan fiction.I'll look forward to anyone's next sporking.

AireyVerkhovensky wrote:

Psst, Rubia: I finally found you an Investigations fic. It's a little bit on the long side and honestly not that bad (...actually, I thoroughly enjoyed it) but it is very silly. Here.

Wow, this is really getting interesting over there. Great sporking as usual Airey!

Moving on, I found this fic featuring LukeXMaya. And Maya coming over for Ace Detective advice. Yeah, you can already see the huge plot hole created from the premise alone. I remember reading this once and I don't know why I didn't instantly suggest this for sporking material.

I was going to do chapter two of Flappy Attorney, but I think I'll wait until the old management comes back.

iglootheraptor was apparently going to spork it

Rubia Ryu the Royal wrote:

Make them suffer. >:)

Edit: @Airey, remember the author of the one fic we did a collab on? Apparently, this author has written up another case.

I guess we should go in order, but whoever wants to do a follow up to our collab sporking can go right ahead. At the time of our sporking, the first chapter was the only one we found, so we're not exactly calling dibs on it.

wizkid99 wrote:

Anyway, I currently reading a fic where Kristoph Gavin and Daryan Crescend escape from prison....And that's all I'm going to tell you for now because I'm not done yet, and for spoilers. The fic is thirty-seven chapter's long. As of this post, I'm on chapter twenty-three. And I don't know how to feel about this fic whether it's too good to not be sporked or if it's sporkable material. I want to let my fellow sporker's read it to judge for themselves.The fic itself is a slight AU where Kristoph adopted Apollo six years before AJ:AA and a slight Klavipollo is in there to. The fluff doesn't kick in until later.

I wanted to say, I like this thread. As to proposing fanfics, maybe someone can Spork Evr1 420 yolos made? It is actually good(and written bad on purpose as I saw the author writing beter than there ), but it may be fun to spork https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10625733/1/

Ignore post.Edit: I found this while browsing Fanfiction. It's fairly old, but I don't think it's been sporked yet. I only skimmed it quickly, so I can't say much about the writing quality. Anyone interested in giving it a go?

Guys, what do you think about fics that involve rape, incest, an awful lot of nonsensical pairings, some really disturbing things and downright stupidity and aren't Law Plus Chaos? And that's just the tip of the iceberg.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11187836/1/The-Pain-of-Payne = I think this is worth looking into. It may not be as bad as the fic with Rubina but... it's just strange.

cuteyounggirlplus wrote:

I have some links to fics that I believe can be sporked:

I'm not sure if this fic has been sporked on the old forums or not but it deserves to be sporked. The author even refers to it as a troll fic on his profile page so there's no doubt left of it's sporkability:

It was Edgeworth and Pearl. Nick's just been around for all of them because he deserves it. ;)

And this may be irregular, but we'd done it before and with permission. I'm dropping by again to introduce some fics that I wrote that I wouldn't mind being sporked:viewtopic.php?f=11&t=31369...especially the latest one in a couple posts after the first.

For that one about Oldbag giving sex advice, you're talking about Sex 101: How to do It Wendy Oldbag Style, right? Because if you are, then I call dibs on that one. It's exactly the fic I was going to have to look for.

I have internet again! *sobs in joy* I'll upload Turnabout Storm, Part Six either within in the next two hours orrrrr tomorrow. (It's half-done at the moment.)

@luck: Nice. I don't know why, but it seemed to me like the fic was implying that Phoenix and Franziska were targeting by the same mail bomb, so I found it very funny that Franziska neutralized it and Phoenix ended up in a coma anyway. It wasn't until the end of the spork that I realized that that wasn't what happened. Oh well.

After far too many delays, Turnabout Storm, Part Six! F-For the record, I forgot who all was in previous parts. They kind of got lost in the thread... maybe we need a Sporking Table of Contents? (Not that it would have helped much considering I was internet-less for almost a week. *sobs*)Oh, also, yes, actually, I do own lizards.

Speakers: Well, there are a few rules, actually: have fun and be yourself! *sound similar to fingers snapping*

[There is a puff of brightly-colored smoke exactly where Apollo is slowly sinking into one of the soft jelly things sitting. When the smoke clears, Apollo is revealed to have turned into a small lizard.]

All: .........

Apollo: (That's it. I quit.)

Pearl: He's... he's cute...

Speakers: And now, without further ado... roll fic!

[The lights dim.]

Spoiler:

Trucy: Don't worry, Polly, I'm sure he'll turn you back into a human by the end of the sporking.

Apollo: *puffs up indignantly* (He'd better!)

Quote:

——————————— WITNESS TESTIMONY ————————————- I’ll tell you all what I saw… if it’s okay with you… —-

Maya: Is the text getting smaller, or am I just going blind?

Speakers: Oh, I just thought it'd be more fun if our sporking mimicked the original style of the fic.

Maya: Well, as long as it's still readable...

Quote:

“It was 8:30 at night when I went outside to feed some of my animals—the chickens and the new ones. I had just finished feeding my chickens when I heard a lightning bolt in the distance and it scared me. Right after that I saw Rainbow Dash flying fast out of the forest like something was chasing her. I called out to her, but I don’t think she heard me. I looked up but saw nothing following her… and later the police ponies arrived. They spoke with me, and I went off to bed at 10:30PM.”

Apollo: *shakes head* (I get the feeling that Mr. Wright would kill me if I sat on anyone's lap here...)

Quote:

After Fluttershy finished her statement, Trixie gave a huge smirk that ran throughout her face.

Apollo: (Holy awkward phrasing, Batman.)

Quote:

“HAHAHAHAHA! If that isn’t an airtight testimony, Trixie doesn’t know what is! And by Rainbow Trash’s own friend, no less!” she said, gleefully smiling all the way.“FLUTTERSHY!!!” a shocked Rainbow Dash shouted from the defendant’s box, a look of betrayal on her face.Fluttershy finally noticed Rainbow Dash to the side. “Oh! Hi Rainbow Dash!” She greeted her friend with an oblivious smile and friendly wave of a wing.

Trucy: Wow, how clueless do you have to be?

Maya: Fluttershy wasn't this clueless in canon, was she?

Pearl: No, she wasn't.

[Her Majesty the Royal High-and-Mighty Princess - ooh, wait, she isn't a princess yet in this fic, so sorry - regular old Twilight Sparkle and the hedgehog-headed lawyer commiserate about Fluttershy's testimony. They both think it's airtight, and porcu-coiffure attorney-at-law begins the cross-examination.]

Quote:

“I’m… taking care of a lot of exotic animals right now,” Fluttershy said with a fresh smile that was doing its best to break through his bad mood.

Maya: So was this exotic animals stuff the reason why Apollo got turned into a lizard?

Pearl: I don't know.

Apollo: (I hope not. Being a lizard is bad enough; it doesn't need to be topical.)

Quote:

“I see. And how did you acquire them?” Phoenix followed up, trying to get her to elaborate more, remembering his strategy—the more details she gave, the more things he had to pick at until he found something.

Trucy: Why does he need to "remember" his strategy?

Maya: I think that's just the author explaining stuff to the readers.

Trucy: But the readers should already know.

Maya: Hey, I didn't say they needed to, just that they were.

Quote:

“A zoo in Fillydelphia is, well, renovating, and they needed a place for all the animals to stay while they do it,” she explained. “They… heard about my talent with animals somehow, so they came to me and asked me to take care of them. O-of course I said yes, since they had lots of birdies and critters that I’ve never seen before, and I always like to meet new animals…” she added with a wistful look.

Pearl: I wonder if any these animals were lizards?

Apollo: *opens mouth slightly in irritation*

Quote:

“How long have you had these animals?” Phoenix asked, feeling his cuteness meter start to spike again.“Three days now,” Fluttershy replied with another smile, turning her teal eyes back on him, seemingly doing her best to melt his heart anew.“Is it hard taking care of them all?” Phoenix wondered, asking more out of his own curiosity than for the sake of the case.

Maya: Woah, it's almost 3D!

Speakers: Hmm, 3D sporkings? Not a bad idea! *finger-snap sound*

[The text begins to do that blurry red-and-blue halo thing that 3D images do. The next second, another snapping sound is heard, and 3D glasses appear on all of the sporkers' faces, including tiny goggle-like ones for Apollo.]

Pearl: That's even cuter...!

Trucy: Smile, Polly! *takes some pictures on her phone*

Apollo: *hisses at Trucy*

Quote:

Trixie stopped Phoenix before he could say anything further, and for the first time she mimicked Phoenix by raising a foreleg and pointing her hoof at him. “What, pray tell, does this have to do with murder?” she demanded to know.Phoenix put his hand behind his head, wearing a goofy grin. “Well… I kind of like animals too, and…”“Stop going off topic, you incompetent fool!" Trixie berated him.

Maya: Woah, Trixie's going full Franziska mode!

Pearl: This is really cool in 3D!

Apollo: (As long as it doesn't go 4D and Unicorn von Karma here starts using a whip...)

Quote:

Phoenix felt a growl building in his throat, his better mood ruined. I REALLY hate you Trixie, you know that? he told her with his thoughts, suppressing a sudden image of the mare magician hogtied and gagged with her own cape and hat.

Trucy: Kinky!

Apollo: !!

Pearl: ...I don't get it...

Maya: It's better that way, Pearls.

[Spiky attorney makes a note of the exotic animals, then tries to correct Fluttershy on her "hearing" the lightning. Twilight Sparkle steps in to school him on the science of Equestria.]

Quote:

“Actually, here in Equestria, lighting is what produces the noise when it strikes the ground,” Twilight informed him gently.Phoenix felt his cheeks flush and fists clench at having his ignorance of Equestria exposed again, doubly so for it coming from Twilight, who he couldn’t be mad at.

“Ngh… That wasn’t what I wanted to ask, anyway. What time was it when you heard it?” Phoenix asked, forcing himself to relax.“8:40PM, on the dot,” Fluttershy responded instantly.The human lawyer was surprised to get such an authoritative answer. “That’s quite exact. How are you so sure?”“It’s the time I finish feeding my chickens every night!” she replied brightly. "I always feed them at 8:30, and it always takes ten minutes."“Feeding chickens… at night?” Phoenix repeated, not sure what to make of that statement.“Midnight snack!

Maya: Pfft! Midnight snacks are supposed to be eaten at midnight, hence the name!

Trucy: Maybe Fluttershy just goes to bed so early that she considers 8:30 to be pretty much the same thing.

Speakers: Actually, I could believe that.

Quote:

I couldn’t send them to bed without one, what if they starved to death while they were sleeping!?” Fluttershy said, shaking in fear at the thought.“Oh my! I never realized the importance of midnight snacking!” The Judge commented, resolving to start eating them himself.

Apollo: (What I wouldn't give for a consistent POV...)

[Fluttershy's testimony against her dear friend continues. She describes seeing Rainbow Dash flying away from the Everfree Forest a~lmost as though she were being chased by something truly, horribly terrifying, such as myself, for instance, but much less handsome and beloved by the en-ti-re fanbase.]

Quote:

“I called out to her at the top of my lungs to see what the problem was,” Fluttershy remembered.“And she just ignored you?” Phoenix asked, sparing a glance at the rainbow-maned mare in the defendant’s box, who looked to him like she just wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out.“Yes, I don’t know why… I yelled so loud, at the top of my lungs, like this…” Fluttershy inhaled sharply and let out her loudest shout… “Rainbow Dash? What’s wrong?!” she called out in a barely audible voice.The entire gallery facehoofed with a series of loud smacks.

Maya: Hey, leave the facepalming to us, fic!

Quote:

“Yeah… I haven’t the faintest idea of how she didn’t hear that…” Phoenix deadpanned, thinking that no matter how cute or endearing the pegasus pony was to him,

Apollo: (She certainly isn't cute or endearing to me.)

Speakers: Then you'd be in disagreement with most of the fanbase, lizard boy. The haters call her "Flutterwaifu" for a reason.

Apollo: *puffs up slightly* (It doesn't sound like it'd be a very good reason... and stop reading my thoughts!)

All else: ?

Quote:

it didn’t change the fact that she was hopelessly naïve and more than a little oblivious. “So, you didn’t see anything chasing Rainbow Dash?”“Yes, I watched the forest until the police arrived, but I didn’t see or hear anything come out of it after Rainbow Dash,” Fluttershy confirmed.Phoenix fell silent, brow furrowing in concentration.“What is it, Phoenix?” Twilight asked.“I think I just found a contradiction,” he announced.

Trucy: Wow, about time!

Pearl: Ooh, I wonder what it is?

[The fic decides to imitate the game's mechanics a little more before finally revealing what Flutterwaifu is lying... that is, mistaken about.]

Quote:

“I didn’t see or hear anything else come out of the forest that night…” she swore in her trademark tinny voice.

Maya: Is that just me, or does it sound like it's dissing the voice actor?

Pearl: Wow, that's not very nice...

Apollo: (Yeah, and who uses fanfiction as a platform for dissing the staff of a show, anyway?)

Quote:

With that, Phoenix turned back to The Judge. “Then there’s clearly a contradiction here… actually, TWO!” he corrected himself.“Please explain what these contradictions are, Mister Wright,” The Judge instructed.“Fluttershy should have seen someone leave the forest… namely, the previous witness—Apple Bloom!” Phoenix announced with an upraised arm.“Oh my! You’re right!!” The Judge realized while Trixie was caught so off-guard that her magic misfired again, sending her pointed hat shooting back into the rafters.

Trucy: So do you think she gets her hat back, or did it get stuck there? Or maybe taken by another pony?

Apollo: (Of course she gets it back. That's just her damage animation.)

Maya: I don't know. What do you think, Pearly?

Pearl: Um...

Apollo: (Hey, if you can channel spirits, you might as well be able to talk to animals, too! It makes about as much sense!)

Quote:

“But, I-I didn’t see Apple Bloom… I-I promise!” Fluttershy hid under the table again.Phoenix didn’t really think she was lying, didn’t want to scare or push her like this, but he knew he had no choice—something didn’t add up, and for Rainbow’s sake he had to find out what. “You see, Fluttershy… you HAD to have seen Apple Bloom if you were really watching the forest all night! The prosecution even confirmed that there’s only one way in and out of the forest… and that entrance is right by your cottage!” Phoenix recited.

Maya: Is it just me, or is it kind of silly for a whole forest to have only one way in and out?

Trucy: I don't think it's just you.

Quote:

“Ngh!!” Trixie couldn’t believe it—she almost had the victory, but now sensed it slipping out of her grasp just as she was about to take it home…

Pearl: I thought they were still missing a major piece of evidence.

Maya: Yeah, one of the lightning strikes is unaccounted for!

Trucy: Maybe the Judge still likes the prosecution way too much, even though it's a pony... or maybe because it's a pony?

Apollo: *nods* (It's the first one.)

["But how did she not see Apple Bloom coming out of the forest? And what happened to the second bolt of lightning?"]

Trucy: Wow, that's actually a really good impression of Daddy.

Maya: You need to sound more confused and exasperated, though.

Speakers: Duly noted.

Quote:

She would have remembered the second bolt of lightning frightening her if she had heard it!” the human lawyer said triumphantly, hands on his hips. “Also, let’s not forget, Apple Bloom didn’t mention or hearing this lightning either, now that we know that the lightning could have been heard from that far away!” he further noted.“The defense has a point,” The Judge said, nodding thoughtfully.“Heh, and Trixie thinks the defense has nothing!” Trixie dismissed The Judge’s statement with a toss of her head.The Judge looked taken aback. “Excuse me?!”She ignored him,

Apollo: (Wow, she really is Pony von Karma.)

Quote:

addressing Phoenix directly. “So what? She didn’t see Apple Bloom; what does that prove? Do tell, Mister Wrong! Trixie is all ears…” Trixie said, mockingly conjuring up a hearing funnel to some laughs from the audience.Phoenix slammed his hands on the table in exasperation, freshly infuriated at her for not taking him seriously.

“It questions the credibility of your witness! You said it yourself; there’s only one way in and out of that forest!” he glared at her.“Remember another thing! Anything beyond what Apple Bloom said after the time she heard the lightning bolt is irrelevant!” Trixie immediately countered, leaning over the rail to glare back.Phoenix didn’t back down. “You can’t say that this is irrelevant information when your witness didn’t see your other witness leave the forest!” he insisted.“Then tell The GREAT and POWERFUL Trixie WHAT it means!” Trixie shouted. “Trixie knows one possibility, but that’s up to you to say what it is, Mister Wrong! That is, if you have the GUTS to!” the mare magician goaded.

Trucy: *adjusts 3D glasses* Wow, you can almost see the option boxes!

Maya: Quick, pick the one that makes the least sense! Present your badge!

Pearl: But wouldn't this one have a penalty?

Maya: Come on, Pearly! That's why they give you a whole penalty bar!

Apollo: *shakes head* (This "no rules" stuff is getting out of hand.)

Quote:

Phoenix felt his guts clench, knowing what the possibility was… and suddenly getting a very ugly idea of how he might use it. “I… I… can’t.”“Heh… though so,”

Trucy: Though? So? What?

Apollo: (You'd think that a 3D fanfic would go through a little more editing.)

Quote:

Trixie dismissed him, all but calling him a coward.“What is she talking about, Phoenix? You know a reason Fluttershy didn’t see Apple Bloom?” Twilight asked, looking at him curiously.Phoenix hesitated, suddenly unable to look the violet unicorn in the eye. “I-I do, but… I can’t say it…”“Why not?” Twilight asked, confused.He shook his head sharply, refusing to even entertain the strategy that was still trying to suggest itself. It was obscene, it was wrong, it was the antithesis of everything he stood for as a Defense Attorney…

“I just can’t, Twilight. I’ll be safe and use the other contradiction as my stead for now,” he told her, terrified of what she’d think of him if he explained what he had in mind.Shoving the scheme as far from his thoughts as he could,

Trucy: Wow, it's making Daddy sound really sketchy.

Apollo: *nods* (He was kind of sketchy when I first met him, though...)

[Porcupine Wright tries to argue about the unaccounted-for second bolt of lightning. Tricksy refutes him with a nice piece of circular logic essentially claiming that the second bolt couldn't have killed the victim because lightning never strikes in the same place twice, therefore the second bolt couldn't have hit the victim because he had already been struck and killed by the first one, therefore it was the first bolt and not the second one that killed the victim.]

Apollo: (Ow, my head...)

[Regular old Twilight Sparkle expositions about the lightning suits.]

Quote:

The show mare gave a slow, scornful shake of her head. “I’m surprised you haven’t realized it yet, Mister Wrong…”“Huh?”“You have been babbling about Trixie’s witnesses not seeing the second bolt of lightning so much that you seem to have forgotten… this second bolt seems to not exist at all! Trixie will be sure to have a chat with the pegasi who gave her these Cloud Ballistics to confirm it, Trixie assures you,” the show mare stated, seemingly taking every opportunity she could to say her own name.

Maya: Woah, cloud ballistics? Cool.

Pearl: I don't think that exists in canon... I wonder how you get ballistic information off of a cloud?

Apollo: (Never mind that, I just want the author to stop pointing out the obvious!)

Quote:

“But even if we take your silly theory into consideration… the odds of him being struck down by a random bolt of lightning are too low to be believable without having some sort of concrete proof!” she concluded.

Trucy: Well, you know, anything can happen!

Quote:

The Judge nodded in agreement. “The prosecution’s logic is very sound; the chances of a lightning bolt killing the victim by chance are too small to hold water in this court without any proof, considering the protection he was wearing. OBJECTION OVERRULED!” he announced with another sharp rap of his gavel, to Phoenix’s sinking heart.

Trucy: Aww, your Honor! Where's your imagination?

Apollo: (He's a judge, he doesn't need imagination.)

Maya: Yeah, you'd think he'd have developed one after all the crazy cases he's been on over the years!

Apollo: (I guess that's true... I wonder if a more imaginative judge would be more sympathetic to my crazy cases?)

Quote:

“No!” Phoenix exclaimed. Every time I make an objection she has it refuted just like that!“Ha! Too bad, Mister Wrong…” Trixie rubbed it in as The Judge favored her yet again…The human lawyer was rapidly running out of options as Trixie defeated yet another of his arguments. It wasn’t looking good for Phoenix and company; he knew that unless he turned things around quickly, then the fate of Rainbow Dash would be sealed…Forever!!!!!

Pearl: Is Pinkie Pie narrating the fic now?

Maya: Maybe she's just in charge of the green text!

Pearl: But I thought it was Fluttershy who was testifying in this chapter.

Maya: Oh, right.

Trucy: Well, that's the end of chapter eleven. *glances at Apollo*

Apollo: *opens mouth in irritation* (Yeah, a whole chapter gone, and I'm still a lizard! He is planning on turning me back into a human, right? Right?)

Speakers: Oh, don't be like that. Of course I'm planning on turning you back into a human, Apollo... or should I say, Artemis?

Apollo: (What?!)

[There is another puff of brightly-colored smoke by Apollo, and when it clears it is revealed that he's been turned back into a human, alright... a human woman!]

Apollo Artemis: AAAAAAA- I-IS THAT MY VOICE? Is that MY voice?!

Trucy: Hey, you make a pretty good-looking woman, Polly!

Maya: Yeah, I like your skirt! It looks great on you!

Artemis: Why does he keep picking on me?!

Speakers: Because you're funny.

Pearl: Don't worry, I'm sure Mr. Discord will turn you back into a man at the end of the sporking!

Artemis: He'd better!!

Maya: In the meantime, you need to put on a brave face. It's what girls do!

Trucy: He'd love to have the photos, though. *takes more pictures on her phone*

Artemis: Trucy, NO!! Give me that!!

Maya: Catfight! Woo!

Pearl: Alright, onto the next chapter...

Spoiler:

Quote:

Phoenix cringed as the Judge brought his gavel down again, much harder than before. “Enough! I’m afraid the defense’s line has run short. Do you have anything else you would like to say, Mister Wright, before I hand down my verdict?”

Maya: Looks like his penalty bar ran out!

Artemis: That's... actually kind of chilling in 3D...

Quote:

The Judge gave him one last chance before he brought the trial to an end.I’m going to lose if I don’t do something fast! an increasingly desperate Phoenix realized.

Artemis: Object!

Pearl: Bluff and stall for time!

Maya: Present your badge!

Trucy: Dress in drag and do the hula!

Artemis: Can you please not make any drag jokes right now, Trucy?

Trucy: Sorry, Polly. ...Polly? Hmm, if "Apollo" is "Polly", then "Artemis" would be...

Maya: Temy!

Trucy: Yeah, Temy!

Artemis: Enough.

[Sonic the Hedgehog, Attorney at Law decides to stall for time by using the selfsame dastardly strategy that he had so nobly re-ject-ed earlier.]

Quote:

Phoenix felt his guts clench as he said his next words. “The defense would like to cast suspicion on another!”The Judge blinked in surprise. “Another… suspect?”“Yes, that is correct, Your Honor,” Phoenix said, readying his final—and most desperate—card.

Pearl: Is he going to accuse Apple Bloom?!

Maya: Pearly, I really don't Apple Bloom is the most suspicious pony here.

Quote:

“But who?” Twilight asked in confusion.“Is this the last bastion of Mister Wrong? Haha, let’s hear it—who is this mystery suspect?” Trixie goaded, guessing what the human lawyer intended to do and curious if he’d actually have the guts to go through with it… certain she’d win either way.He glared at the mare magician, wanting badly to blame her for what he was about to do but knowing it ultimately fell on him for not being better prepared for the case—or for her. “I’m far from being done, Trixie! The suspect the Defense accuses…

Maya: *touches 3D glasses* And once again, you can practically see the options!

Trucy: Let's see what happens if we accuse Twilight Sparkle. *reaches toward the screen*

“Huh?” Fluttershy said, not knowing what’s going on…Twilight gave Phoenix the same shocked look The Judge and most of the gallery was. “Mister Wright! What are you doing!?”Phoenix ignored her, afraid if he answered or looked Twilight in the eye, he’d lose his nerve. “Fluttershy is a pegasus; therefore she could have tampered with the cloud and the crime scene. And let’s not forget, there was a very large time frame where Fluttershy was alone! She even stated she didn’t see Apple Bloom leave the forest when we all know she SHOULD have!” Phoenix slammed his hands down on the desk, trying to sound assured and authoritative even as he didn’t believe a word of what he was saying.

Artemis: I really don't think that the Judge is going to buy it.

Trucy: Hey, it has to advance the plot somehow.

Quote:

Fluttershy gaped at him. “B-but I was watching it the whole time… I’m not lying… ” she protested weakly, her lip quivering.“Heh…” Trixie chuckled, inwardly impressed that he’d actually gone for it, thinking perhaps she’d misjudged the human lawyer if he could really be that ruthless.

Trucy: I'm sure Prosecutor Gavin would be more than willing to give you a massage now!

Artemis: I don't want a massage from Prosecutor Gavin!!

Quote:

“Fluttershy even has connections with my client; she could have been the one who took the storm cloud my client was scheduled to set off, as well as gathered loose feathers to spread around the crime scene!” Phoenix proclaimed.“I-I didn’t do that… ” Fluttershy said, starting to tear up.“Phoenix! Stop this! She didn’t do it!” Twilight pleaded with the human lawyer, trying to protect her friends—Dash is in trouble and now Fluttershy too? she thought, horrified he might make her lose them both!

Artemis: *rubs neck* And it's even worse in 3D, too!

Speakers: Well, well, if you keep complaining about it, maybe I'll just ta~ke it away.

Artemis: Please do. And turn me back into a man while you're at it-

Others: Nooo!

Quote:

“But the defendant’s hoof marks were on the storm cloud, Mister Wright… how do you explain that?” The Judge himself challenged.“I’d be surprised if they WEREN’T there, your honor!” Phoenix responded immediately.The Judge scratched his beard in confusion. “Hmm… I don’t follow…”“Simple! Rainbow Dash was to put those storm clouds at the eastern end of Ponyville, according to this weather schedule,” Phoenix picked up the weather schedule Trixie had given him and tapped it with his fingers, making his point simple and clear.The Judge’s eyes widened in comprehension. “Oh!”Phoenix nodded. “Of course her hoof marks are there—she was just doing her job!

Artemis: *irritated* What, killing other ponies?

Trucy: Lighten up, Temy!

Artemis: You're making it difficult...

Quote:

Fluttershy could have come and taken one of the clouds with the marks on it, set it off and them removed her own markings from the cloud…” he theorized, stopping short at a sudden worry. “That… is possible right?” the human lawyer asked, looking around for support.To his surprise, it was Trixie who gave it. “Yes, one could wipe a cloud… of their hoof marks…” she buttressed the human lawyer’s arguments, wearing an odd smile.

Maya: Uh-oh, Fic-Nick's in trouble now.

Pearl: Is it because that this means that he'll have more time and this fic will be even longer?

Maya: Yeah, that too.

Quote:

Phoenix wasn’t sure why Trixie was suddenly helping him, but he couldn’t stop to think about it. “Then all the more reason to suspect her!” he raised his voice further.“I was home all day though… ” Fluttershy insisted, looking frightened and bewildered.“Phoenix, you’re supposed to be defending my friends!” Twilight reminded him, increasingly aghast, her temper rising as he continued to ignore her.

Artemis: To be fair, you did only hire him to defend one of your friends.

Maya: Come on, Artemis, don't you ever try to save everyone?

Artemis: *scowls at being called "Artemis" again* That's more of Mr. Wright's thing, isn't it?

[The accusation against Fluttershy continues to gain steam!]

Quote:

“I-I can’t believe you’re doing this! I trusted you!” a betrayed Twilight accused, nearing the peak of her temper. Phoenix didn’t look at her, keeping his eyes fixed on The Judge.“You’re going to need more proof to accuse this witness, Mister Wright. Do you have any evidence that can place her on the crime scene?” The Judge asked.He nodded. “In fact I do, Your Honor… this!”

Maya: My ba- mmph!

Pearl: That's enough, Mystic Maya.

Artemis: Thank you.

Quote:

Phoenix reached into an evidence bag and pulled out the large brown feather he and Twilight had found in the forest the previous night.The Judge raised a white eye brow. “A feather? Does it belong to her?” he asked, instantly recognizing that it could not since the color was not hers. Hand tightening on his gavel, he prepared to come down on Phoenix hard if he made such a ridiculous claim.But the human lawyer was cleverer than that. “No. I found this feather at the crime scene. It’s way too big to belong to any bird or Pegasus pony in Ponyville,” he explained.“Then just what are you getting at Mister Wright? How does this relate to the witness?” The Judge demanded to know, looking down at Phoenix with narrowed eyes.“Fluttershy!!” Phoenix called, pointing over the rail at her.

Artemis: Can't he just explain himself instead of being dramatic?

Trucy: Oh, you know Daddy...

Artemis: (...yeah, he probably hasn't thought of an explanation yet.)

Quote:

“Y-yes, Mister Phoenix?” she said tentatively, peering out at him fearfully.“Do you allow any of your exotic animals to go in the Everfree Forest?” the human lawyer asked.Her teal eyes widened in horror at the suggestion. “Oh, no! It’s much too dangerous in there! They’re kept locked up tightly when I’m not playing with them…”Phoenix nodded, as if in satisfaction. “As I thought! Fluttershy stated earlier she’s caring for animals not native to Ponyville; this feather could belong to one of them. It could have been brought there unintentionally by Fluttershy as she framed my client!”

All: What?

Trucy: Is it just me, or did that make no sense?

Quote:

:objection:

Trucy: Oh, so it wasn't just me!

[The one who object was none other than Twilight Sparkle, and the author goes to great pains to continue imitating the game down the the sma~llest detail. Whether or not that translates well into prose is an entirely diff-er-ent matter.]

Quote:

“The… defense is objecting to… ITSELF?!” The Judge asked incredulously.“YES!” she spat out. “Mister Wright doesn’t know what he’s talking about! His words are nothing but slander and lies!” Twilight said, fuming with anger at Phoenix… and at herself for trusting him—liking him!

All: Ewwww.

Maya: Okay, so, remind me again why the author thought this was a good idea?

Speakers: Because bronies are a very strange little people.

Quote:

“Twilight!” Phoenix was also surprised—he’d half-hoped she’d be able to figure out what he was doing without him telling her, but realized too late he had underestimated the strength of her protective instincts… and her bonds with her friends.

Speakers: And overestimated her intelligence! Shame, really.

Trucy: Hey! We're the ones who are supposed to be sporking here!

Speakers: *grumble grumble*

[Anyway, Twiley is threatened with contempt of court. And of course, even the prosecution agrees that dear old Fluttershy is suspicious!]

Quote:

“You are aware we will have to suspend the proceeding until tomorrow for further investigation…?” The Judge reminded her.She gave him a sharp look. “You don’t think Trixie knows this? Another one of Twilight Sparkle’s little friends in the slammer is reward enough for Trixie today. Two for the price of one, as they say!” she punctuated her statement with a cackle before turning her attention back to Phoenix. “And Trixie has YOU to thank, Mister Wrong! You’ve made this experience much, MUCH more fulfilling. Perhaps Trixie will give you a voucher for her next performance,” she suggested, and proceeded to do just that, filling out a quick note and floating it over to him, stuffing it into his breast pocket.

Maya: Oh, right. Then I guess there's no point to selling the voucher.

Quote:

Phoenix remained silent, holding himself rigid and expression fixed in the face of the looks he was getting from Twilight, Fluttershy… and almost everypony else in the courtroom.With both the prosecution and defense in agreement, The Judge had no choice but to accede to Phoenix’s request. “All proceedings for this case will be suspended until tomorrow. Bailiff, please take the suspect into custody for questioning,” The Judge reluctantly motioned to a large earth pony bailiff, who slapped a hoof cuff on Fluttershy and gently led her away with a parting glare at Phoenix.“Wait, w-where are you taking me? I wouldn’t do that to anypony… Twilight! Mister Phoenix! Help!” Fluttershy called out to her friends to rescue her, but all a heartbroken Phoenix and Twilight could do… was watch…

Artemis: I don't know why she's so worried - she's not being arrested, just detained for questioning.

Maya: I dunno, some people get reeeeally mad when they're detained for questioning.

Trucy: And maybe the Ponyville prisons are really, really terrible!

Artemis: Somehow I doubt that.

Quote:

“Phoenix… how could you…?” Twilight whispered after Fluttershy had disappeared, tearing up as she talked.The shellshocked human lawyer had no answer, standing frozen in place, eyes staring straight ahead. What… what have I done?

Trucy: Bought some more time!

Pearl: Yeah, everything will be fine in the end, anyway!

Artemis: (Optimistic people can be surprisingly... cold...)

Quote:

“I expect both sides will gather more evidence for tomorrow,” The Judge snapped him out of his reverie.“Trixie shouldn’t need to if they are planning on keeping that second-rate lawyer over there!” the mare magician mocked him one last time. This time, Phoenix remained silent and still, accepting her abuse and thinking he deserved far worse.“Court is now adjourned!!” The Judge brought his gavel down with a sharp rap, ending the day’s proceedings.

Artemis: And hopefully the chapter.

Speakers: You're soooo impatient, Miss Justice.

Artemis: (Did you have to emphasize that I'm single, too?!)

Quote:

The events that had transpired in the trial were most unexpected, forcing Phoenix to resort to the boldest, yet most devastating gambit he had EVER attempted… buying time for his falsely accused client, but at a terrible price.

Maya: I don't think that's the most devastating gambit he's EVER attempted... did the author even play Farewell, My Turnabout?

Trucy: Plus it wasn't such a terrible price! It's so obvious that Fluttershy didn't do it, anyway!

Artemis: Oh, just let the author be dramatic in peace.

Quote:

Will Twilight ever trust Phoenix again? Is Fluttershy really a suspect? Will Rainbow Dash yet be proven innocent? The answers to such mind-boggling questions are shrouded in darkness as Phoenix goes in deeper to find the facts…AND REACH OUT FOR THE TRUTH!!!

All: *cringe at volume*

Pearl: Was that really necessary, Mr. Discord?

Speakers: Of course it was!

Trucy: At least that was the end of the chapter!

Artemis: Good.

Speakers: Alright, alright, whiny. *snap*

[For the third time, Artemis is engulfed in brightly-colored smoke. This time, however, when the smoke clears, she is back to normal.]

Apollo: Har har har. Listen, you three, what happened here should never leave this theatre.

Speakers: I notice that I wasn't included in that proposition!

Apollo: *gestures around theatre* I really don't think the Management is going to be inviting you back after all of... this!

[Suddenly, the entire theatre returns to normal.]

Speakers: After all of what, Mr. Justice?

Apollo: ....nevermind.

Pearl: So we can go now?

Speakers: Of course, of course, do come back soon, won't you?

Trucy: Okay!

Apollo: I'll try not to.

[And so our sporkers leave, bringing our first true crossover sporking to an end. Will Apollo ever recover from the mental trauma that was inflicted upon him today? And what new sorts of unexpected creepiness will Turnabout Storm throw at us? Seriously. Interspecies romance? Seriously!]

Discord has the Dog's approval, so he may revisit the Theater as much as he wishes. The Dog would like to note that his lines are a bit hard to see with that color (especially under spoiler tags), but since he's Discord, he doesn't need to stick with only one color anyway.

Also, the Dog demands to see those pictures of lizard-pollo and Artemis with 3D glasses... for cataloging purposes.

Now, I suppose the Theater will be seeing further renovation later once the Dog sees through a certain sporking... or should I say, retrospection?

(Alright... here it is. My debut spork. Thanks go to Rubia for being a wonderful editor!)The name of the fic is "Undeclared Tenant"Rating: I gave it one sawhit mainly because it's actually a very well written fic and doesn't have too much wrong with it. Well, in my opinion anyway.Our Sporkers Today Are: : One Sawhit? Alright! : Careful Wright... You'll provoke them.And : Well, let's enjoy it while we can!

[The scene reveals our sporkers to be sitting in their seats; anxious as a slight hint of lemon is in the air, and the Theater is noticably cleaner. Ah yes, one could say it was a wonderful day for spor-]

Edgeworth: Stop. Don't get carried away with the description, Narrator. The words "spork" and "wonderful" will never go in the same sentence.

Maya: But... it's so clean in here!

Phoenix: Maybe it's a sign of how good this fic is?

Edgeworth: I highly doubt it.

Speakers: We're hurt, Edgeworth. We would never do anything to make your trust in us falter.

Maya: The sarcasm is fatal on that one, Mr. Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: *shrugs* It's ok. One day, they'll have their comeuppance.

Phoenix: Why don't we just start?(The lights dim, and the film begins)

Spoiler: tagged for length

Quote:

Undeclared Tenant

Maya: oooooo, spooky.

Quote:

I haven't told anyone about Maya

Phoenix: I'm pretty sure everyone knows about Maya.

Maya: Me too. *a bit smug* I am pretty important after all.

Phoenix: I think its more because of how much you're around me.

Maya: Maybe, but people like kids more than adults!

Phoenix: But you're a teenager, and most people don't like kids that much anyway.

Maya: That's besides the point, Nick!

Quote:

It's already been two weeks since she's come back to the city after training for a bit in Kurain, and as had been previously arranged, she's living in my apartment right now. But we don't tell people about it.

Edgeworth: Yes, I can see why.

Phoenix: What's that supposed to mean?

Edgeworth: *gestures to Maya's clothing*

Maya: *crosses her arms* you're just jealous cause I have style!

Phoenix & Edgeworth: ......

Quote:

It's not that we're trying to keep our living together a secret—I mean, we're not living together that way.

Phoenix: Well if Pearls had anything to say about it...

Maya: *imitating Pearl* Mr. Nick! Why would you keep it a secret? Mystic Maya is your special someone after all!

Phoenix: (That was a bit too accurate for my tastes...)

Quote:

It's just that i haven't gotten around to telling my landlord yet. Basically, i guess that makes Maya an illegal boarder.

"Hello sir, this here's Maya Fey. She's going to be sharing my flat for a while. She's my assistant at the law office and a really close friend. By the way, she's a minor. I'm not her legal guardian, but her late sister did trust me to look out for her, so that shouldn't be a problem, right? Oh, and I did file a few Extended Stay forms for her in the past already, so maybe you could just let this late filing slide for now?"

Phoenix: Yeah, that's totally going to work.

Quote:

Yeah, that's totally going to work.

Maya: *to Edgeworth* Is there an echo in here, Mr. Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: I certainly hope not! If I had to hear these things more than once...

Speakers: We'll keep that in mind for the punishment sporkings!

Edgeworth: Gah!

Quote:

Anyway, our living conditions have never really bothered any of us - aside from the occasional complaint from the neighbors about "my" loud declarations of seeing the Evil Magistrate in hell – but that's beside the point.

Edgeworth: Shouldn't the neighbors be able to tell the difference between Wright's voice and the Steel Samurai's voice?

Maya: Maybe they don't know how Nick sounds?

Edgeworth: They're his neighbors. Also, wouldn't there be more concern as to why someone is declaring that they would see someone in hell? Especially if they think it's Wright saying it.

Phoenix: Maybe they actually know the difference between our voices?

Edgeworth: Wright, even you know that's a poor excuse. That would create a contradiction, just like the ones you're supposed to find.

Phoenix: (Give me a break... I don't like thinking about these fics too much, even if they are clean.)

Quote:

She'd just crash into the office in the morning, and then go home to my apartment at night.

Phoenix: "Crash into the office"? So that's why it's always so messy!

Edgeworth: There are more convenient ways get inside somewhere. I believe the front door is the best way to enter a room.

Maya: Hmph! Nick's office would be messy, no matter how I enter! Nick is just a messy person!

Phoenix: (Oh yeah? I have a toilet that says otherwise!)

Quote:

"Nick, your closet's a mess," Maya says, facing my open closet. I haven't gotten around to sorting the clothes out yet, I admit. But wait, why is she going through my clothes?! "Where am I supposed to put your clean clothes in here?" she asks, gesturing towards the basket of newly folded laundry beside my bed.

Edgeworth: A drawer is always a good option.

Maya: In a small apartment? I'm not sure Nick would be able to fit one large enough to hold all of his clothes.

Phoenix: I don't even have that many clothes to begin with!

Maya: Yeah, you and Mr. Edgeworth almost always wear the same thing! Why would you need so many suits and ties? *looks at Edgeworth* and... bibs...?

Edgeworth: *slightly exasperated sigh* It's a cravat, not a bib.

Maya: Whatever you say, Mr. Edgeworth!

Quote:

"I'll sort it out later. Just put the clothes on the bed," I say, turning back to my own spring-cleaning task: scrubbing the toilet.

Maya: Oh Nick, when will you get your head out of the toilet?

Phoenix: But if I don't clean the toilet, who will?

Edgeworth: I wonder if there's a fic involving you and a toilet...

Speakers: We're still looking!

Phoenix: (Ack! Well... it can't be as bad as that one with Apollo and the stepladder, right?)

Quote:

Earlier that morning, Maya and i agreed to stay in since it was a weekend and we didn't have any cases coming in lately anyway

Phoenix: Even when we do get a case, we always get stuck having the trial the next day anyways.

Quote:

Not soon after, she suggested we do some spring-cleaning around my flat, even though she and Pearls had already cleaned the office last week. We divided the tasks between us—I'd clean the bathroom and the living room, and she'd be in charge of the bedroom and the kitchen.

Maya: I can see it now... "Phoenix Wright: Ace Bathroom Cleaner"!

Phoenix: ... No.

Quote:

I can hear her taking the clothes out of my closet and dumping them all on the bed. I take a peek out of the bathroom into the bedroom, and I see Maya seated on my bed, surrounded by a mound of my clothes. She's carefully unfolding and refolding everything and sorting them into some system I don't quite understand.

Edgeworth: How does she know if those are even clean?

Phoenix: I'm more interested in that mysterious system of organizing Maya is using...

Maya: (Everybody's a critic...)

Quote:

I smile. You know, it's nice having Maya around, even if she has a bottomless stomach or three that's inversely proportional to my wallet's depth.

Phoenix: *mumbles* wouldn't be a problem if most of my clients paid me...

Quote:

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying she's great just because she keeps things tidy for me. She's great company. She's fun, and her cheeriness is infectious. And although she'd probably disagree with me if I told her this, she makes solving even the most complicated of cases easier.

Phoenix: Some of the most complicated cases are because of Maya though.

Maya: As if! Name a case that was hard because of me.

Phoenix: Well, you certainly didn't make the case of Elise Deauxnim any easier.

Maya: *a bit crestfallen* oh...

Edgeworth: That was just plain cruel, Wright.

Quote:

I turn back to the toilet. "There's still some laundry yet to be washed," I say as I resume scrubbing. "Should I—"

"No, I'll do it!" she cuts me off immediately. Another basket sits on the floor of the bathroom, next to the small washing machine.

Edgeworth: What?! So you have room for a washing machine and presumably a dryer, but not for a drawer?

"Don't bother with it, Nick. Just keep scrubbing that toilet," she adds, with a bit more force than necessary.

Phoenix: Well excuuuuuse me, princess.

Quote:

Too late, I already saw them, Maya.

All: .....

Phoenix: Saw what, exactly?

Quote:

The laundry basket is filled with her clothes and other"things" of hers (she shouldn't have put them on top where I could clearly see it, really. I think I'm blushing on her behalf).

Maya: *slaps Phoenix* Pervert!

Phoenix: Ow! I'm more respectable than that!

Quote:

But respecting her wishes, I push the basket further towards the washing machine and out of sight. Forget the fact that she overruled my earlier objection and is now folding up all my garments—outer or otherwise.

Phoenix: At least I didn't touch your clothes! Who's the pervert now?

Maya: ... Are you happy calling a kid a pervert?

Phoenix: (Ack! Now that was just foul play...)

Quote:

The last time anyone's ever done that for me was before I moved out for college… Sigh.

("I'll miss having to do your laundry, Phoenix. At least let me do this one last time before you go off to Ivy?" Whatever you say, Mom.)

Edgeworth: Come now, Wright. Can't you do anything for yourself?

Phoenix: My mother wouldn't do that! I would always have to clean my own things.

Maya: So that's why it's always so messy...

Phoenix: (Can someone remind me why I'm friends with them?)

Quote:

"Hey, Nick," Maya calls out from the bedroom again, hopping over to the edge of the bed to get a better look at me squatting by the toilet still. "I'm hungry."

Phoenix: Isn't she always?

Quote:

"Let's get something delivered then," I say, stretching my back as I stand. Ah, that feels good. Man, am I getting as old as Maya says I am?

Maya: Yes.

Phoenix: I'm not old! I'm only in my thirties...

Maya: That's just a number, Nick!

Phoenix: *grumbles to himself*

Quote:

"What do you want to eat?" I walk into the bedroom to get my phone. We bounce off several options, both of us getting hungrier with every suggestion, when the doorbell rings.

Phoenix: What options are there? Maya will just end up getting burgers.

Quote:

"Crap!"

Edgeworth: Sounds like me whenever I have to come here. Not that I really approve of such vulgar language.

Phoenix:Wait... what? That makes no sense... (Is she even paying attention to the story?)

Quote:

"You forgot to fill out the Extended Stay forms again, didn't you?" She asks accusingly, and although I do plead guilty to that, now is just not the time for this!

Maya: Geez, Nick. You sure are forgetful.

Phoenix: (I'm not going to comment on that one.)

Quote:

"He's come for the monthly inspection," I explain in a hushed tone, my eyes darting across the room as I try to figure out where I could hide her.

Behind the shower curtains? No, too obvious.

Under the pile of my clothes? No, too small a pile, especially now after Maya's begun folding them up.

Under the bed? She's not going to fit under that no matter how slim she is.

At the fire exit? No, what if someone spots her from the outside and thinks she's a burglar?

Edgeworth: *slowly recovers and gets up* who... would even see her?

Phoenix: The people on the street.

Edgeworth: ... I knew that.

Quote:

Hmm, there's Charlotte, but that tiny succulent by the window could barely even hide Maya's topknot...

Phoenix: Well, if people weren't there, I guess she could hide on the Fire Escape...

Maya: ... so Charlotte, huh?

Phoenix: (Not the point...)

Quote:

"Mr. Wright?" I hear my landlord call faintly from outside. "Mr. Wright, are you in there?"

"Just a sec!" I call out, while motioning for Maya to climb into the closet. It's the best thing we've got at the moment. I shut the closet closed, mumbling a quick apology to Maya before running back out to the entrance.

Maya: At least it's a bit roomy!

Phoenix: Huh? What do you mean?

Maya: Well, all of the clothes were taken out of the closet so I could fold them. Are you even paying attention to the story, Nick?

Speaker: Are you paying attention, Wright?

Phoenix: But Maya... *sighs* yes, I'm paying attention.

Quote:

"Ah, there you are," my landlord, Mr. Stafford, says, craning his neck upwards as he talked to me. "I was thinking you might've forgotten about my visit and was out."

Phoenix: Well, he's not completely wrong.

Quote:

Mr. Stafford is a small, old man. He looks just like your typical kind, old grandpa, but looks can be deceiving. I mean, sure, he's generally kind and accommodating, but if you break any of his rules, you're on his list. And you do not want to get in his list, because that almost always means eviction.

Phoenix: Ah, Mr. Stafford...

Maya: I remember now! He's such a nice man!

Edgeworth: *completely recovered* Wait, Mr. Stafford is real?!

Phoenix & Maya: No.

Edgeworth: (... That was just mean...)

Quote:

That sounds terrifying, I know, but Mr. Stafford is a reasonable fellow. He actually only has five simple rules for his tenants: no pets; no loud noises; no unsegregated garbage; no unauthorized, permanent redecorations; and, finally, no undeclared visitors can stay beyond three days per week. Though there is still some fine print about that last rule.

Edgeworth: So in other words, the only rule you need to worry about is the last one.

Phoenix: Sure seems like it.

Quote:

I'm undeniably screwed if he finds out that I smuggled Maya in again

Edgeworth: "again", huh?

Phoenix: I have no idea what it's talking about.

Edgeworth: *a little sarcastically* Sure, Wright.

Quote:

I usher Mr. Stafford into the apartment. "Sorry, I was in the middle of cleaning," I say, scratching the back of my head. Mr. Stafford doesn't say anything.

Edgeworth: Your nervous actions aren't really helping you, you know.

Quote:

Because of his age, Mr. Stafford moves quite slowly. Every passing minute makes me more and more anxious. I could feel the sweat forming on my forehead, on the back of my neck, and on my palms. It's almost as bad as being in court. But just thinking about Maya, stuffed in that closet…

Maya: I guess you could say I'm... Trapped in the Closet?

Phoenix & Edgeworth: *facepalm*

Quote:

it's a lot worse for her, I'm sure. I hope she's alright in there (and still alive… Urk.)

Edgeworth: That last part was highly unnecessary. It might be uncomfortable, but it would take a long time before Maya would die in the closet.

Maya: But it probably smells really bad in there!

Edgeworth: Good point. The way Wright sweats during a trial... One can only imagine the smell.

Quote:

"Anything you'd like to get added to your unit, Mr. Wright?" Mr. Stafford asks all of a sudden, making me jump. He had already finished checking the kitchen for gas leaks, and the living room to see if the heater and air conditioning still worked fine. I tell him I'm good with the current facilities as we move to the bathroom. I stand in the doorway as he checks the pipes, the drain, the toilet (which was literally sparkling clean), the shower...

Maya: You should get a side job cleaning toilets, Nick!

Phoenix: *a bit disgusted* I'd rather not...

Quote:

"Hmm?" He hums, looking down at something beside the washing machine.

Oh shoot. Maya's clothes!

"Uh… um… those are…" Dang it, how am I going to explain having a girl's clothes in my bathroom?! I can't bluff my way out of this!

Edgeworth: Phoenix Wright unable to bluff? At least the author did their research.

Phoenix: Very funny, Edgeworth. Not. And exactly how many cases have you won against me?

Edgeworth: And how many times did I help you win those cases?

Phoenix: You really think tha-

Maya: Now you two are starting to sound like a couple.

Phoenix & Edgeworth: *gets quiet almost instantly*

Quote:

Mr. Nick! I know you can always turn things around and save Mystic Maya! Because she's your special someone! I hear Pearl's voice in my head all of a sudden. Wait—that's it. I got it!

Phoenix: Don't tell me...

Quote:

"Those are, uh, my girl…friend's. She… likes the way I do the laundry, so I told her I'd wash her clothes! Ahaha..." I laugh nervously, and out of impulse I turn to peek out to my bedroom across the way. Still quiet in there—good.

Phoenix: I know it's an excuse... but...

Edgeworth: I can hear the shippers getting happy from here, Wright.

Speakers: Breaking the fourth wall is-

Edgeworth: Against the rules. I'm aware of what I have done.

Speakers: Oh really? Let's see... What this button does!

Edgeworth: *is mildly electrocuted* Gah!

Quote:

"Oh, how nice of you then," Mr. Stafford says flatly, moving past me and out of the bathroom. I think he also mumbled, "Younguns these days."

Phoenix: I wonder what that's supposed to mean...

Quote:

Great, now he probably thinks "the hippie girl" (that was how he referred to Maya some time ago) and I are some weird couple. But whew, at least he didn't press further. Taking a final, sweeping look at the bathroom, he then makes his way into the bedroom—this is it, the last leg of the race.

Maya: Well, at the speed he's going, you can't lose?

Phoenix: I don't think it's that kind of race, Maya...

Maya: ... I knew that.

Quote:

I stand in front of the closet and watch him inspect the windows, the heater, and the air conditioning in the room. I sure hope he doesn't check the closet. He never checked it the other times he's been here so I think we're safe, but still.

Maya: He walks up to the closet.

Phoenix: He comes up to the closet.

Maya: Now he's at the closet.

Edgeworth: If you two children are done playing, I would like to get through this as quick as possible.

Maya & Phoenix: *snickers*

Quote:

What am I going to say if he finds Maya in there? That she's an artificially intelligent robot being secretly developed by some computer company? Or maybe I should say she's a super special edition collector's item? Like some sort of life-like early model of the Pink Princess… after all, I'm getting quite known in this building as a Steel Samurai fan anyway. Why not push it a little further?

Edgeworth & Maya: If only... *they look at each other with a smile and start having a small conversation about what they would do if they had one*

Phoenix: *sighs* Children and their toys...

Quote:

"Mr. Wright!" my landlord half-shouts. I must have been so busy thinking of an excuse that I didn't notice him calling my attention the first few times. "I'm done with my inspection now. Thank you very much," he says, bowing his head a little.

Phoenix: Maybe because there is nothing of any real importance in my closet?

Edgeworth: ... I suppose so. He still should have checked just in case.

Quote:

I accompany him on the way out. "Don't forget about this month's rent, all right, Mr. Wright?" he says, with a smile that intimidates more than it calms. "And please remember to keep it down whenever you're watching that… that… what was it again?"

"Uh... Steel Samurai."

Maya: How dare he not know who the Steel Samurai is!

Phoenix: Maya, please calm down.

Quote:

"Yes, that," he chuckles, more genuinely now. "Good day, Mr. Wright!" He turns on his heel and heads to the next unit.

Speakers: *pre-recorded applause plays*

All: .....?

Speakers: Sorry, we're still figuring out this new control panel.

Quote:

I heave a sigh of relief as I close the door behind me. "You can come out now, Maya!" I call out.

"Aaahhh, air!" I hear her gasp, following her tumbling out of the closet. I go in to check on her. As I expected, she had been sweating buckets; her bangs stuck to her forehead, and a few loose locks of hair stuck to her neck. "That was a lame excuse, but I guess it's good your landlord didn't ask anymore." She laughs as I help her up from the floor.

Phoenix: Probably because he didn't care.

Quote:

"It's Pearl's fault," I say, tossing her a towel to wipe her face with. "She popped into my head all of a sudden."

"Pearly!" Maya cries, puffing her cheeks out, as if our little matchmaker was there to see.

Edgeworth: That motion was completely unnecessary.

Maya: *puffs cheeks out in anger*

Edgeworth: ... but apparently in character I guess.

Quote:

"Yeah… and uh, anyway," I mumble as I gestured for her to fix her robes. She lets out a little shriek upon the realization and proceeds to straighten her clothes out as I take out my phone again, ready to pick up from our discussion before the whole landlord inspection fiasco.

Edgeworth: So is there just no openings for the air to vent out? Because then it would be an extremely bad idea putting dirty clothes in there, since the heat would just be trapped inside, causing any smell to worsen.

Maya: Why would you put me in your hot and smelly closet, Nick?

Phoenix: I would never stuff Maya in a closet if it was smelly and had no ventilation!

Maya: So if a closet was clean and air-conditioned, you'd stuff me in there?

Phoenix: That's not the point, Maya.

Quote:

Letting out a cough in an attempt to dispel that brief moment of awkwardness, I continue, "So, how about some lunch?"

Maya: You know, speaking of food...

Phoenix: (Ack! Why did my wallet suddenly feel lighter?!)

Quote:

In true Maya fashion, she switches gears quickly; the discomfort and awkwardness from earlier was quickly forgotten as she bounds up towards me with a cheeky grin. "You owe me an extra burger with extra large fries on the side for stuffing me in that closet," she demands, hands on her hips.

I guess now that means i have to order four of those heart-attack-in-a-buns.

Phoenix: The author even got Maya's appetite down!

Maya: Just four burgers? My other stomachs demand more!

Phoenix: Well, we're only feeding one, this time.

Maya: *Stomach growls*

Quote:

"And a large strawberry milkshake for looking at my robes," she then adds in a teasing tone as she jumps back into the mound of my clothes and continues her folding.

I sigh. Sometimes I fear that the real threats to Maya's life aren't kidnappers or crazy, power-hungry relatives...

The delivery man arrives half an hour later. Although he doesn't say it, I know he's surprised. I notice his eyes curiously looking into my quiet apartment; he must be thinking that a party of five, or at least some semblance of company, is going to come out now that the scent of burgers has crept its way into the flat.

Phoenix: Or just one very hungry teenager.

Quote:

I'm the only one he's going to see at the door though. He's probably thinking, "Is this man seriously going to eat four super deluxe bacon cheeseburgers, a grilled chicken sandwich, an extra large serving of fries, and a large milkshake all by himself? He's got issues."

Edgeworth: Ugh, I'm feeling ill just from thinking about eating that much food.

Maya: Well, I could eat more if Nick would be less stingy with how much food he buys me.

Nick: Well, if I made as much money as Edgeworth does, maybe I would. Why don't you ask him to pay for your meals?

Maya: *turns to face Edgeworth*

Edgeworth: No.

Maya: Aww...

Quote:

I only offer a laugh as an explanation as I take the greasy paper bags from his hands.

After all, I'm the only one who really knows about Maya.

Maya: Well, now Mr. Edgeworth knows about me too.

Edgeworth: And the Management.

Phoenix: And the people reading this.

Speakers: We can't let you do that, Wright. That severe break of the fourth wall earned you earned you a punishment sporking. *pre-recorded applause plays again*

Phoenix: Yay.

(Lights come on as the screen fades to black)

Edgeworth: *is extremely shocked* I... don't believe it...

Speakers: What happened?

Edgeworth: This fic... was actually very well written. What are you all trying to pull?

Speakers: You should really have more faith in us, Edgeworth.

Edgeworth: (That'll be the day.)

Maya: Nick, I'm hungry!

Phoenix: *sighs* I thought so. Would you like to go get some food with us, Edgeworth?

Edgeworth: ... sure, why not.

[The group then left to get some food. The Theater seemed a bit cleaner, and the little faith, if any, that Edgeworth had for the Theater, rose just a smidge. But that feeling would soon disa- *electricity is heard* Ow! What the?!]

Rating: This is what happens when a fanfic author is sleep-deprived and ironically not smoking anything... and it's at least one of the better ones we've seen in this thread. Note that this fic actually contains no spoilers (aside from one line that is suggestive and thus cut out) and everyone is understandably at least a little OOC.

Cast: Ryu, Susato, Sherlock, Phoenix

Note: Due to in part to new character introductions and mostly to the length of this fic, this will be a long read. Believe me, I have tried to cut it down already, but there's so much good stuff.

---------------------------------------

[Today is a special day indeed. It marks the beginning of a new division of the Sporking Theater, where we have renovated the scene to match the theme of today's featured presentation.]

Speakers: Welcome to the Victorian Vaudeville, new and familiar sporkers alike! This is the classic Management speaking.

Holmes: Well, well... at first glance, it seems the legends are true: the Sporking Theater is quite accommodating. *blows on bubble pipe* ...I can't believe everything they offer is free of charge! Take this endearing miniature pipe designed for the young ones!

Susato: *with buckets of popcorn & sweets* Oh, yes! Have you seen the condiment station? They are giving us free food!

Ryu: *munching* It's pretty good stuff too. You made it seem like this is the worst place ever.

Phoenix: ...The renovations and such are fine. I'm just wondering why I have to be here.

Speakers: You're the gateway and guide for these newcomers. Of course you have to be here.

Phoenix: But you're the Management! That's your job, isn't it?

Speakers: No, our job is simply to keep things on track and adhered to the schedule. Settling in newcomers has always been the duty of you veteran sporkers.

Phoenix: (...I'm pretty sure the "classic" Management never had that rule instated, you hypocrites.)

Speakers: Anyhow! We mustn't keep you all waiting. The featured moving picture has been set, and the viewing room is awaiting its guests.

[Little do they realize, what they face may just be the most meta adventure they have had yet...]

Spoiler:

Speakers: Before we begin, lady and gentlemen, we of the Management are willing to be a little lenient regarding 4th-wall breaking for this session.

Phoenix: Huh? Seriously?

Speakers: The reason lies with the nature of this fan fiction, as you will see...

Phoenix: (...Okay, now I'm officially scared.)

Quote:

The Dank Adventures of DGS People N Shit

All: ...

Phoenix: I knew things were going too well to be true.

Susato: That's... a very strange title.

Holmes: Certainly not the most prosaic, but most intriguing. Perhaps it will tell of our adventures in a different light?

Ryu: What? You mean in a "dank" atmosphere? That can never be a good thing.

Phoenix: Welcome to the Sporking Theater, everyone.

Holmes: Now, now, you two. That level of pessimism will only bring that "dankness" closer to your own hearts.

Susato: Yes, of course! That was beautifully worded, Mr. Holmes!

Ryu, Phoenix: ...

Quote:

This contains drug use and strong language...

Speakers: A note from the author, if you must know.

Holmes: ...Ah, of course. I had suspected as much, but it's obvious the "dank" in the title refers to the literal atmosphere created by these particular fragrances.

Susato: Y-yes, that seems to be the case...

Quote:

Ryu and Headband Guy were sitting in the lounge of Capcom HQ. It had been a long, exhausting day for both men, and Ryu wasn’t making it any easier for Headband Guy with him being on the verge of crying every five minutes.

Ryu: ..."Headband Guy"? He has a name, you know.

Susato: Is the author perhaps referring to Kazuma?

Ryu: It must be. The actors they picked for us look pretty alike.

Susato: ...I suppose so, although your actor seems to be on the verge of tears.

Ryu: I-it's got to have a reasonable explanation, right?

Quote:

“But why, Senpai?!” Ryu almost sobbed. “Why won’t they localize the game I first starred in? Am I…not worth the effort?”

Ryu: ...I spoke too soon.

Holmes: I had imagined this game would have been marked immediately for localization as soon as the team from Capcom US had arrived to lend a hand with its development.

Phoenix: ...Yeah, I find it weird they haven't announced anything yet, especially that it features THE Sherlock Holmes.

Ryu: ...To be fair, Mr. Holmes does complicate a lot of things.

Susato: Don't say that! It could not possibly be Mr. Holmes' fault!

Ryu: (Oops. Almost forgot the "fan" side to her.)

Quote:

Headband Guy tried not to sigh, though he did anyway which just showed how quickly he was running out of patience. Ryu would not let this issue go ever since this morning.

Ryu: Already, we've barely began and the "me" up there is doing everything wrong.

It was really starting to drive him nuts. He needed an aspirin. Like now. Conveniently, he found a pill container that was probably left behind by one of the employees, but it had no label or anything. Even still, it had to have some kind of medicine in there.

Ryu: Oh, no.

Holmes: Tsk, tsk... You would think he of all people would be wary of taking pills which contents he doesn't recognize.

Susato: ...If anything, I would have suspected Mr. Naruhodo to have left it there on purpose.

Ryu: W-what? Why me!?

Susato: I don't know yet... I just have the feeling.

Ryu: ...Please don't pin your suspicions on me right from the start.

[Asogi takes a look inside, and despite all common sense telling him otherwise, he takes some.]

Ryu: Argh! Why have all my predictions come true so far!?

Phoenix: Trust me, I know the feeling...

Quote:

“Senpaiii…”

Headband Guy sighed again as he clasped a hand over Ryu’s mouth, preventing him from uttering something that would most likely be a complaint. “Let’s just go talk with Management. Maybe they’ll be able to do something. Since they’re, oh I dunno, in charge and all that.”

Ryu: Why didn't we do that in the first place?

Phoenix: Maybe because you already did, but it didn't work out.

Ryu: And then I ended up crying all that time since...?

Phoenix: That must have been heartbreaking.

Ryu: ...Have you always been this... bitter?

Phoenix: It's probably because I've been here too long...

Quote:

Headband Guy then slowly removed his hand from Ryu’s mouth…and almost immediately wished he hadn’t. The moment he did, Ryu started complaining again. He whined all the way to the management’s office, and Headband Guy did end up getting a migraine. Those blasted pills didn’t work! I want a refund!

Ryu: He didn't even pay for them...

Holmes: On the other hand, it seems they have gradually come to take effect.

Ryu: How?

Holmes: Note his expressions of growing aggression. Surely, they must be clear signs of it working?

Holmes: Perhaps... but one must take into account all factors leading in.

Quote:

…Even though they weren’t his pills in the first place. And he didn’t buy them.

Ryu: Exactly. Now mind writing him more in character, author?

Quote:

*29 minutes later*

Headband Guy was starting to feel weird, but he couldn’t quite place his finger as to why. His muscles were tingling, his mouth was running dry, and the room felt hotter all of a sudden.

All but Holmes: Oh, no.

Holmes: Oh, yes.

Ryu: Huh?

Holmes: As I had deduced earlier, the medicine was rather quick to act.

Ryu: ...29 minutes passed, you know.

Holmes: That's rather quick, actually. The most dangerous of substances are those that don't react within an entire day.

Ryu: (What kind of medicine is that!? It's a ripoff, then!)

Quote:

“Asogi, are you alright?” Ryu asked.

Headband Guy blinked. “Huh? What’d you say?”

“Are you alright?”

“No, before that.”

“I said, ‘Asogi—‘”

“Aha!” Headband Guy cried out. “That’s my name!”

All: ...

Phoenix: Oh, yeah. That was his name.

Ryu: ...You could have just asked, Phoenix.

Phoenix: *sheepish grin*

Quote:

But due to divine intervention, he was referred to as Headband Guy for the duration of this fic. And before he could shout out “IGIARI” to this, a loli, I mean Watson walked towards the two with a package in her hand.

Ryu: What's so bad about writing his name? It's shorter than "Headband Guy".

Holmes: Never you mind that, Mr. Naruhodo. I would ask why the author has clearly violated the first rule of fictional writing.

Ryu: And that is?

Holmes: Mixing out-of-context remarks with the sequence of the story being told, of course. It's confusing to readers and editors, especially.

Phoenix: Um, Mr. Holmes? These are all amateur works, so they almost never would have editors.

Holmes: ...Nonetheless, it would still be confusing and thus an offense.

Phoenix: (I wasn't arguing with you on that anyway...)

Quote:

“Susato made brownies and she wants you to try them.” She said, thrusting the package to Ryu.

“Aw, really? Why did she do that?” Ryu said, feeling flattered that Susato would do something like that for him.

Watson shrugged. “Not sure. But I saw Holmes go into her dressing room with a bag and then I heard him say, ‘I swear to God, I’ll pay you to go make Ryu some brownies and put this in them to make him stop whining! I can hear him from all the way down the hall!’ Whatever that means. Bye!”

Ryu: *sweating profusely*

Susato: *worried*

Phoenix: *facepalm*

Holmes: *mildly amused*

Quote:

Watson skipped off with rainbows and unicorns following behind, or at least that’s what it looked like to Headband Guy, who was really tripping at this point.

Ryu: Rainbows and unicorns... what's next?

Phoenix: Anything.

Susato: I hope it still remains peaceful...

Holmes: ...Ms. Susato, are you familiar with the saying, "calm before the storm"?

Headband Guy was trembling all over. His entire body was drenched in sweat and- well in Capcom they say that the pupils in his small eyes grew three sizes that day. No seriously, they were so big that his eyes were mostly black now.

Susato: K-Kazuma! Are you alright!?

Ryu: I don't think he can hear you from here.

Holmes: I don't think he can hear anything from anywhere by now. He's in too deep.

Ryu: Is he going to stay like this for the rest of the fanfic?

Susato: *slaps him*

Ryu: Ow! What?

Susato: Please do not say anything that you may regret.

Ryu: ...Sorry.

Quote:

“A-Asogi? AGH!”

Ryu yelped as Headband Guy tightly grabbed his collar and pinned him against the wall, leaning in until their faces were merely inches apart, almost to the point where their lips could touch.

Phoenix: Uh-oh.

Ryu: Uh... h-he's not going to kill me now, is he?

Phoenix: I fear that it may be worse.

Quote:

Not too far away, Watson was hiding behind a wall panel with a video camera, a pencil and a notebook, recording everything and writing out fanfiction for this scene. But that’s irrelevant. Back to the almost raep scene ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Ryu: ...

Phoenix: (I could say, "I told you so", but he looks troubled enough.)

Susato: ...What is that face supposed to mean?

Holmes: A calm smiling face... surely, even the author must be in a similarly good mood as the man on the floor?

Screaming one more time, Headband Guy dropped Ryu to the ground and ran down the hallway. There was a door up ahead, but the drugs in his system was screwing with his vision, making him see double. He ended up running into a brick wall and promptly fell to the ground, lifeless…

All: ...

Phoenix: He's not actually dead, is he?

Ryu: Er... y-yeah, of course not!

Susato: C-clearly, Kazuma is simply going to take a nap there...

Phoenix: ?

Holmes: ...Interesting that Capcom HQ has a brick wall available to be crashed into.

[And the next two lines will be skipped because the Illuminati attacked.]

Phoenix: What kind of excuse is that?

Speakers: A legit one.

Quote:

Meanwhile, after lying on the ground for about forty five minutes, Ryu found himself stumbling around in the hallways of Capcom HQ. There had to have been something in the brownies he just ate because right now he was feeling pretty good. Too good. He felt so high up in the clouds that he didn’t notice Watson trying to get around him and ended up tripping over her.

“Ouch!” Watson hollered. “Hey asshole, watch where you’re going!”

All: ...

Susato: I do not approve of this author's description of Iris.

Holmes: Not to worry, Ms. Susato. The girl in question isn't here to hear such vulgarities.

Susato: Nonetheless, it is an affront to every proper lady such as ourselves!

“Yeeeeah.” Ryu stretched and yawned. “I think those brownies were laced with something…that reminds me. I had to do something important. I forgot though, so it must not have been important…right?”

Ryu: ...

Susato: *glare* ...It is true you are rather forgetful sometimes.

Ryu: W-wait, Susato. Before you try to throw me again, I would never forget anything that involves Asogi.

Susato: It would be in your best interest to do so.

Phoenix: (...Throw? As in, literally?)

Quote:

“Guess not.”

Ryu stood up; luckily he was sober enough to help Watson to her feet. “Hey, where’s Susato?”

“Uh, I think she’s still in her room. Why?”

“I have to talk with her. It’s important.”

Ryu: W-why is fic-me jumping to that conclusion?

Susato: *glare*

Ryu: S-Susato, please stop that. I'm just as concerned as you are.

Quote:

“I thought you forgot.”

“No, this is different. I was walking and I heard these two developers talking about a guy named ‘Phoenix Wright’ and so I asked them who that was and they said he was my descendant!”

Phoenix: ...Is this it, Management? Is this the real reason I'm here?

Speakers: ...No comment.

Phoenix: (...Yep. It's gotta be it.)

Speakers: "No comment" means no comment, Phoenix Wright.

Phoenix: Sure.

Quote:

Watson cocked her head to the side. Ryu suddenly began talking so fast, like Speedy Gonzales on cocaine, that she couldn’t understand what he had just said. However, she was able to pick up the words “Phoenix Wright” and “descendant” and was able to put the two together. “You found out you have a descendant?”

“YES!” Ryu shouted with excitement. “You know what this means?”

Ryu: That I don't die before I have a kid?

Susato: Oh, my. I'm not sure what to think of Mr. Naruhodo having children...

Ryu: ...What's that supposed to mean?

Susato: It does make me wonder with whom he ends up with.

Ryu: Me too...

Holmes: ...Well, we have said descendant right here, don't we? Why don't we ask him?

Speakers: Sorry, Mr. Holmes, but it's against the rules to violate potential canon.

Holmes: Aw, that's a shame. I suppose we'll simply have to find out the old-fashioned way.

Phoenix: (Whew, saved...)

Speakers: You're welcome.

Quote:

“Uh…you’re a grandfather? Or great-grandfather perhaps?”

“Well yeah. But that means I have to start a family. I’m gonna reproduce and shit. And it has to be with Susato!”

All: ...

Susato: Hiyaaah! *flips Ryu upside*

Ryu: Augh! What now!?

Susato: It's simply disgraceful, that's what!

Ryu: I wasn't even the one who said it! It was fic-me!

Holmes: Technically, because fic-you is still representing you and Ms. Susato can't exactly throw him upside...

Ryu: *sigh* (When will I ever get a break...?)

Speakers: Not even 100+ years will help, apparently.

Ryu: W-what? Are you saying my descendants are doomed to be thrown around for more than a century!?

“Because she’s like the main woman and I spend a lot of time with her, and I guess I could do it with you, but that would be illegal and gross and make me look bad because you’re like, what, nine? Ten? Yeah, I’m not sober right now, but even if I was, I still wouldn’t be thinking about having sex with you. I am NOT that type of man. Get it? Got it? Good. Alright, Ryu out!”

Ryu: Well, at least fic-me has SOME limits we can agree on.

Susato: ...That is not the way to speak to a ten-year-old, in any case.

Ryu: (But said ten-year-old has an M.D....)

Quote:

Watson watched as Ryu excitedly ran towards Susato’s room before he stumbled and ran into a wall. Unlike Headband Guy, he survived.

Speakers: Just to be clear, fellow readers, Asogi never ran into a wall at any point in his life.

Phoenix: (...Yeah, that would be embarrassing.)

Quote:

Watson shook her head and turned her heel to leave when it all suddenly dawned on her. What was sex? “Wait, Ryu!”

Phoenix: Uh, isn't this the girl with an M.D.?

Holmes: So she is.

Phoenix: And isn't someone who acquires an M.D. required to know at least the basics of biology?

Holmes: So they are.

Phoenix: How does she not know, then?

Holmes: ...I would imagine she has some understanding of the concept, but I dare not to ask her about any details.

Phoenix: (...I really hope this doesn't mean HE's the one who doesn't know about it.)

[It takes Ryu two hours to find Susato's room and he keeps laughing at people he bumps into along the way. By the time he gets there, he's starting to get stoned.]

Ryu: ...How long is this going to keep going?

Speakers: Do you mean the drug influence or the moving picture?

Ryu: Both.

Speakers: Well... why not see for yourself?

Ryu: What's the matter with telling us?

Phoenix: Don't mind them. They're always like this.

Ryu: And you just sit by and leave it at that!?

Speakers: Don't mind him. He and his fellow sporkers are merely exhausted from their long history with us.

Ryu: ...It's okay, Phoenix. Great grandad is here for you.

Phoenix: I-I'm fine, Ryu.

Quote:

It took a few tries, but he was finally able to get his hand on the doorknob and twist it so he could open the door and walk in. The room was dark, but he could make out Susato’s form sitting on the couch from the light of the T.V. screen, which showed nothing but static. He grinned and plopped down next to her, almost passing out right there and then.

“Heeyyy, Susato.” He slurred.

Susato: *slaps him*

Ryu: Ow! Susato, please stop. I told you it's not me...

Susato: Oh! I-I am sorry. I just had this terrible chill come up my back upon seeing this scene...

Ryu: (That's even worse a reason, then.)

Quote:

Susato turned around and weakly smiled. She was just as stoned as he was. “Heeyyy, Ryuuu.”

Susato: Eek! *slaps him again*

Ryu: ...

Susato: Oh, dear! I am sorry for hitting you again, Mr. Naruhodo!

Ryu: It's okay. Just don't do it anymore... Phoenix, you wanna switch?

Phoenix: No, thanks.

Quote:

“What are you watching?”

Susato giggled as she munched on some Doritos and washed it down with Mountain Dew. “I don’t know.”

“Are you on drugs?”

“Hell yes. I know you are too. I gave you the laced brownies.”

“And I loved them.”

Susato: M-Mr. Naruhodo, what is happening!?

Ryu: Um... do you want the straight answer or the not-so-straight answer?

Susato: ...On second thought, never mind. I'd rather not hear either.

Quote:

“Holmes told me to make them for you so you would mellow out, but I couldn’t help eating some too because I like brownies…now I’m feeling sooo high and I've got the munchies.”

“You got the drugs from Holmes?”

“Yes. He’s got a stash.”

“Really…”

All but Holmes: ... *turn to him*

Holmes: ...Why have you all turned to me as if you're meaning to ask me why I would have a stash of drugs?

Ryu: It's nothing, but... do you?

Holmes: Well, yes. It's true I may have such a stash...

All else: !?

Holmes: But you all can relax. They are used for medicinal purposes only. Besides, I leave it all under Iris' vigilant supervision.

Phoenix: (...Something about that doesn't sound right, even if she does have an M.D.)

Quote:

“He’s been upset though…he lost his bottle of LSD.”

“Ah, well I hope he finds it.”

Ryu: A... bottle of LSD?

Susato: And he's lost it...?

Holmes: ... *puffs on bubble pipe*

Phoenix: (It's probably the obvious answer, but I can't help but wonder otherwise...)

Quote:

At that moment, Headband Guy ran passed the room screaming, “AHH! THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN! THE SKELETONS ARE AFTER ME! I’M LITERALLY RUNNING IN THE 90s!”

All: ...

Phoenix: Thanks for the friendly reminder, author. (Okay, scratch that. It has to be the obvious answer.)

Susato: Thank goodness Kazuma is alright. I was really worried.

Ryu: Whew. At least we're safe this time...

Phoenix: This time?

Ryu: N-nothing!

Phoenix: ??

Quote:

But Ryu and Susato were too stoned to notice. Finally Susato asked, “Ryu, why did you stop by?”

That was when Ryu gave her a sly smirk and licked his lips. Draping an arm around her slim frame, he pulled her closer to his body, leaning in and whispered softly in her ear, “I don’t know.”

Susato: *slaps... Phoenix this time*

Phoenix: Ow! What?

Susato: Oh! I am sorry, Phoenix! How did I end up slapping you?

Speakers: We got bored of that gag, so we exchanged his and Ryunosuke's places.

Phoenix: W-what!?

Ryu: (Whew, that was close...) *gets slapped anyway* Ow! Huh?

Susato: *sits back in her seat and keeps glaring*

Ryu: *sigh* Let's just return to our usual seats, then.

Phoenix: Sure thing.

Quote:

At that moment, Watson came barging in as she dragged a distraught Headband Guy into the room. “Management is calling for us and since none of you seem to be in your right minds, I’ll be making sure you guys get there.”

Ryu: Yes! Saved again by Iris!

Susato: ...

Ryu: Um... Susato, are you still mad at me?

Susato: Not especially. I was only making sure no lewd thoughts could have come into your mind.

Ryu: ...Thanks for the concern, but I'm fine. Really.

[In any case, Watson drags all three of them to the office, but first has to handcuff Asogi so he doesn't keep running away.]

Ryu: For once, Asogi is doing what any normal person would.

Susato: ...

Ryu: In the fanfic. I'm talking about the fanfic.

Susato: ...Of course you are.

Quote:

Once they were at the door to the office, Watson gave a polite knock and waited for the management to tell them to come in. There came no answer. Instead, she could briefly make out the muffled sound of a bass coming from the other side, along with these lyrics:

Bitches lookin' at me strange but you know I don't careStep up in this mothafucker just to swingin' my hairBitch quit talkin', Crip walk if you down with the setTake a bullet with some dick take and this dope from this jet

Phoenix: W-what's wrong with the Management!?

Speakers: Nothing in particular.

Phoenix: I'm not talking about you guys.

Speakers: We know you aren't, and like you, we're also talking about the same group of managers... the ones in the fic.

Instead of the usual management person, Sherlock Holmes was the one sitting at the desk. He was in the big leather chair, reclined back with his feet up. He was wearing shades and a gold chain around his neck that said “SWAG.” His coat was unbuttoned to reveal a black shirt that had the words #420BlazeIt on the front. Instead of his usual sleuth hat, he instead had on a baseball cap that had OBEY on the front.

All: ...

Holmes: Objection! Just what is the meaning of this, Management!?

Speakers: Are you speaking to us, sir?

Holmes: Yes, you! You knew exactly what was in this film from the very start, didn't you?

Speakers: Well... yes.

Holmes: That's simply unsatisfactory! The least you could have done was notify me of this disgusting betrayal of my perfect image!

Speakers: Er... well, we have a policy here to remain silent in regards to the contents...

Phoenix: Hold it! Don't forget those movie scripts you used to force on us!

Holmes: Is that right, Mr. Wright? Then, you don't have any excuse, do you, Management?

[...Wow, even the Management had to bow before the wrath of Sherlock Holmes.]

Speakers: Pipe down, narrator. You're still under our watch.

[Sorry, sir.]

Quote:

Holmes took a long drag from his pipe, letting the smoke sit in his mouth a bit before blowing a perfect smoke ring into the air. He pointed at Watson.

“Babe,” He murmured, seductively pulling down his glasses below his eyes. The sclera were red. “Call me Sherlock HOMES.”

Holmes: ...I must admit, however, that this is rather witty and to my liking.

Ryu: (...Seriously? That's just terrible.)

Susato: I... do not see the point of renaming Mr. Holmes, though.

Holmes: Not to worry, Ms. Susato. This "Holmie" is well received regardless of the situation.

Ryu: (H-Holmie...?)

Quote:

Suddenly, there came the sound of somebody abruptly clearing their throat. Headband Guy yelped in surprise. When they all turned around, even their stoned minds knew exactly who it was: the Management. They didn’t have to be completely sober to know that they were completely fucked.

Phoenix: What goes around finally comes around...

Ryu: "Finally" is an understatement. How could they have been left alone this long?

Quote:

*Later*

“Do you think this is acceptable?! Localizing a bunch of drugees to the American and PAL regions?!” The head of development cried out angrily as he paced around the room of the drug rehabilitation center, surveying the five people in their beds connected to IV fluids to flush out their systems. Watson claimed she was sober, but Management didn’t want to take any chances.

Susato: ...Poor little Iris. She just had to be dragged in there with the rest of fic-us.

Ryu: Make that "fic-Iris". She was way too ill-tempered for the real thing.

Susato: However, aside from those little issues, she still seemed to be the most reasonable...

Ryu: (Because the rest of fic-us were stoned beyond recognition.)

Quote:

Ryu muttered, “Well the thing is, I thought we weren’t going to get localized in the first place.”

“Which was why Ryu wouldn’t stop complaining.” Watson said.

“And why Holmes asked me to make him pot brownies.” Susato followed up.

Management glared over at Holmes, who just shrugged. “He wouldn’t shut up.”

Holmes: I assure you, Theater Management and everyone, that I know exactly when to speak and when to shut up.

Ryu: Same here... (But at least I know the right things to say at the right moments.)

Susato: ...Mr. Naruhodo, you are not thinking of criticizing Mr. Holmes, are you?

This intrigued Holmes. “Were they in a medicine bottle with no label?”

“Yeah…”

“Those would be my LSD pills.”

“That explains a lot.”

All: I knew it.

Phoenix: It was the obvious answer, after all.

Holmes: Usually, the obvious answer is the best one.

Ryu: Yes... though you still manage to come up with some rather surprising theories.

Holmes: That, Mr. Naruhodo, is what separates the great detective from the rest.

Ryu: (...You are certainly correct, but not for the reason you think.)

Quote:

“Mr. Holmes,” Watson spoke up. “Why do you have LSD?”

Holmes groaned. “There’s a long story for that which I’m still not sober enough to tell yet.”

Holmes: And even when fic-me is sober, I figure he won't be telling her anyway.

Ryu: Why's that?

Holmes: Because she's the one watching over my stash in the first place! Why would I need to explain anything?

Ryu: ...By the way, why is she watching YOUR stash?

Holmes: ...That is a long story I would rather not tell, regardless of how inebriated I may ever be.

Quote:

The HOD rolled his eyes, still continuing to pace around the room and grumbling angrily to himself. “Unbelievable. Just unbelievable. Now I really can’t localize this game.”

“What?!” Ryu shouted in disbelief. “Why not?!”

Phoenix: Hmm, let me guess... could it be because this version of Capcom HQ is kind of in a mess?

Holmes: That's exactly it, Mr. Wright. Why in the world would they have brick walls for people to crash into?

Ryu: ...Even you can't be serious about that.

Holmes: And why couldn't I be? It's a legitimate concern.

Ryu: How about the fact Ace Attorney characters are running rampant in HQ and no one is doing anything to catch them?

Holmes: That's simple. Perhaps the design team had ran out of paper and had to resort to 3D printing of movable sculptures instead?

All else: ...

Phoenix: (If we were talking about the crossover game with Professor Layton, that would actually make some sense... which doesn't really make any sense, for that matter.)

Quote:

“Because we already localized your descendant’s game! He’s well known across the entire WORLD! And now that this incident happened, do we really want people to think that his great ancestor was a stoner?!”

Holmes: This is exactly why development should have moved forward with renaming the game "Sherlock Holmes: Ace Detective".

Ryu: Except the development team had to keep "Gyakuten Saiban" in the name. Orders from above.

Holmes: Yes, of course... but I'd have been perfectly fine with "Gyakuten Saiban Holmes".

Susato: ...And yet, it was you who had been complaining about spoilers previously.

Holmes: *sigh* ...I thought we had agreed not to talk about that anymore.

Quote:

“With all due respect, sir, it isn’t like we’re the only ones in video game history who did drugs.” Susato spoke up politely. “And really, this was all just an accident.”

“I can’t speak for Holmes here on that last one.” Headband Guy muttered, eyeing the detective suspiciously. The guy still managed to sneak his pipe into rehab, claiming they were natural herbs.

Holmes: And if you must know, everyone, I only smoke the cleanest of natural herbs.

Ryu: That's nice, Mr. Holmes.

Holmes: If you ever come to be interested in it, Mr. Naruhodo, I advise you to stay away from smoking cannabis. Try catnip instead. I hear it's rather relaxing.

Ryu: ...I'm not interested in smoking at all, trust me.

Holmes: For the sake of your descendant, I hope so too.

Susato: ...Catnip? But isn't that only for Wagahai?

Quote:

“I don’t care!” The HOD shouted. “Drugs are bad, m’kay? And these sorts of stunts bring bad reputations to our business! And don’t even bring up the Grand Theft Auto series. Capcom isn’t about that.”

Phoenix: It's unfortunate that one of our games got the same rating as those, though.

Ryu: Even in Japan, GS5 was rated CERO-C. That's the highest a GS game has seen.

Holmes: There were some rather graphic scenes in it as well as a bombing case. It's certainly no walk in the park.

Susato: It certainly had plenty of... impact in regards to reviving the mainstream series, however.

Phoenix: At least you guys had a Gyakuten game every two years since GS4's release. The West was locked out for a good 4 years.

Speakers: Why hadn't you complained about that to Capcom, Mr. Wright?

Phoenix: Excuse me, but I'm just a video game character.

Speakers: Well, I'm a dog, but you don't hear me making excuses.

All: ???

Phoenix: (...We've been at the mercy of a DOG? That's so wrong in so many ways...)

Quote:

Ryu tried to think of a counter argument. He was THE great attorney after all. Suddenly, an idea came to him. “Well, what if I told you that we did it for the localization?”

Ryu: W-what? Even if that were the case, which it's not, that's no excuse...

Quote:

The HOD raised his eyebrows. “What? That’s…honestly pretty stupid.”

“Stupid?” Headband Guy crossed his arms and tried to look offended. “Dude. I took fucking LSD for this damn localization and almost died. Look at my head. There’s stitches under my headband! Fourteen to be exact!”

All: ...

Susato: That sounds quite painful.

Ryu: What kind of damage did he take for 14 stitches!?

Holmes: That's what anesthetics are for.

Phoenix: Even with anesthetics, that's pretty excessive just for crashing into a wall...

Everyone looked at Watson. Now…of course it would be socially unacceptable, even for a crackfic, to have a prepubescent girl doing drugs. So we’ll just say the only role she had in this was giving Ryu the laced brownies for the sake of localization.

Ryu: (Phew, at least that's settled.)

Quote:

“What else do we have to do to get you to localize this game?” Ryu asked, staring deep into the HOD’s eyes.

The HOD was visibly trembling as everyone was glaring at him. His resolve was crumbling and he was finding it rather difficult keeping up his strict façade. Finally, he couldn’t stand it any longer and cracked.

“Alright! Fine…We’ll see, but I’m not making any promises.” And with that, he left without saying another word.

Phoenix: ...The Management sure gave in easy.

Speakers: Hah. You will never see us in such a pitiful state.

Phoenix: How about just earlier when Mr. Holmes was yelling at you?

Speakers: ...We don't speak of that, Mr. Wright. As of this point, it officially never happened.

Phoenix: (...Well, I guess there's always the next time.)

Speakers: There won't be a next time! Do we have to shock some sense into you?

Phoenix: No, I'll be good...

Quote:

“Well…looks like that’s as good of an answer as you’re gonna get.” Holmes commented.

Susato nodded. “I say we’ll just have to wait to see what they’ll do.”

“All I know is I’m never doing something like this again.” Headband—Asogi sighed.

Ryu glanced over at them and smiled. “Let’s just hope Capcom will come through for its Gyakuten Saiban fanbase.”

Ryu: Finally, the author relents and writes "Asogi" properly. Was that so hard?

Phoenix: It sure must have been taxing to always write "Headband Guy".

Holmes: Couldn't they have simply used Copy-paste?

Phoenix: That too.

Quote:

Watson was sitting in her bed, waiting for them to end this conversation so she could have an opportunity to speak. An important question had been looming in her mind for quite a while now, and she longed to asked it. Once the room was silent and she was sure no one was going to speak again, she quickly jumped on the chance and spoke: “Mr. Holmes?”

“Yes, my dear Watson?”

“I’ve been meaning to ask…what is sex?”

All: ...

Phoenix: Meh. That was way too predictable of a question.

Holmes: Well, my dear Watson, if you must know, "sex" is short for "sexual intercourse" and it normally occurs between a male and female pair...

Ryu: Why are you explaining it now!?

Holmes: ...though homosexual relations are present in nature as well.

Susato: Um, Mr. Holmes?

Holmes: In either case, the dominant partner approaches the submissive one and...

Ryu: No, enough, please! There may actually be children out there watching us!

Holmes: All the more reason to learn! Besides, the film seems to have come to an end, and yet it's still dark in here, so...

[And the lights come back on just in the nick of time.]

Ryu: Yes! Thank you!

Phoenix: That was way too close for comfort... (Usually I'd be this unnerved because of the fic, but this time...)

Holmes: ...To be honest, I'm relieved I didn't have to explain any more.

Phoenix, Ryu: Then why even start...?

Susato: At the very least, we're finally done with this session. Shall we get going, everyone?

[And once the four return to the lobby together, they are greeted with another round of friendly chatter.]

Speakers: We hope you enjoyed your stay here at the Victorian Vaudeville... However, all good things must come to an eventual end. Fortunately, you new sporkers may be able to return for another session in the near future...

Phoenix: Ah, yeah... but I was worried you all would hate to be here, so I felt responsible for any trouble I might have caused.

Holmes: Far from it! I've seen plenty of excellent writing in my day, especially with Iris staying with me, that watching a program of the less stellar variety ironically comes as a refreshing treat!

Phoenix: Huh... I never thought of it that way, but you have a point.

Ryu: And besides, it's not every day that ancestor and descendant get to meet! It's too bad we didn't get to meet last time I was dragged in here.

Phoenix: Y-yeah, that's true...

Holmes: It is indeed up to the Management to decide when we will return to this theater, but until then, we will be looking forward to that day.

Phoenix: Same here, Mr. Holmes. Thanks for coming, everyone.

Speakers: ...Oh, are you all done? Alright, narrator, do the thing.

[And with a smile on everyone's faces, the guests from another time vanish into thin air and return to their time via the teleporter. Phoenix then takes his leave out the door. For once, he could get used to having that hunk of junk around...]

Speakers: ...That is, until his punishment sporking.

[You're as cold and relentless as ever, sir. And so, the lingering question hangs in the air: will the punishment sporking come next, or another run of our usual strange shenanigans? Tune in to find out!]

Excellent sporking as always, Rubia! And I was very glad to see the Holmes/drugs jokes, being a fan of the ACD canon first and foremost... And I love, love the idea of the Victorian Vaudeville. Too bad it's almost starting to look like I won't ever have anything to do with it unless I ever write that AA/The Brothers Karamazov crossover fic I keep talking about and someone else decides to spork it because it would inevitably be ridiculous. I want more of this...

I did a little research into Holmesian canon first, and I'm glad I did. It became so much easier to figure out how Holmes would react to some points. The catnip bit was thrown in as a tribute to Sister Brami, though~

Susato flipping Ryu as a running gag is canon, as well as super-fan Susato. I don't know how she'd manage to fling him out of a building, though.

Ah Rubia! That was...ugh, I have no words! Simply put, I loved it. Especially the catnip part. C'mon, Ryu it's totally safe. And legal. But I feel bad about putting them through that now I'll just stick to writing my serious original stories heh.

A couple questions. I don't know much about the DGS people because I haven't played the game, but Holmes seemed rather...eccentric? Or too eccentric. Is he supposed to be like that? I guess I'm just used to Doyle's Holmes

I've heard rumors… Bramimond, one of the eight legends, devoted himself entirely to the dark. All emotion, all memory… dissolved in a river of dark. That is how he received the power to best dragons

That's just how he is in DGS. I prefer to picture this Holmes as a fusion between the classic Holmes and his parodies. Most of the time, though, he's that kooky. And plays with semantics a lot. And finds ways to annoy people while being brutally honest at the same time. Yet, he's still a gentleman and knows when to get serious. All in all, he really does come off as a troll in the game... though I also took some liberties to include Holmes' quirkiness from the game promotions as well.

...It's okay, Airey. You can come out of the non-Japanese-speaking corner. I haven't read Brothers Karamazov yet, but that crossover sounds splendid.

For that one about Oldbag giving sex advice, you're talking about Sex 101: How to do It Wendy Oldbag Style, right? Because if you are, then I call dibs on that one. It's exactly the fic I was going to have to look for.

I've just found out that it's actually a different fic, so...yeah, the kink meme is still a crazy place.

Skittlemask wrote:

So, um, I'm guessing this is a bad time to say that on my search of a fic for Athena's punishment sporking, I've found (or remembered) 19 sporkable fics?

If you want to share them, I'll add them to the list. We must make sure that no fic goes unsporked.

[Welcome back to the Sporking Classroom!S-So it's the sporking classroom now...?]Our Sporkers today are... It's me, Ms. Mighty Mystic Maya!H-Hey! We're supposed to introduce you!Miles EdgeworthWhat are we going to learn today? *rolls eyes*Phoenix Wright...Okay, back to a fic for kids which doesn't have all the characters stoned...good.

Edgeworth: Excuse me? All the characters?

Phoenix: ...And one was my ancestor.

Edgeworth: ....

Maya: Wait...so you were in at the same time as your ancestor?

Edgeworth: Well I was here a little while ago and there were two Kays...

Maya: Huh.

Speakers: LOL! J00 d00ds are so funny down there!

Edgeworth: H-Him?!

Maya: Oh, it's Sal Manella! I still love the Steel Samurai!

Speakers: Oh l00k, it's 2 fans of teh St33l S4murai!

Phoenix: Two...?

Edgeworth: I have no idea what you're talking about *sweats*

Speakers: ROFL, K

[The lights dim]

Quote:

"Kids! Come here and get your PSPs!" Maya shouted in front of the class.

Speakers: The DS is better! XD

Phoenix: Do I want to know where she got the money?

Maya: Probably not.

Edgeworth: From what she told me last time, I doubt you want to know, Wright.

Quote:

"Yay! But, where did you find all the money to buy all this?" a little…Student asked. Hey, no one there can tell if they are girls or boys anymore, so why must I, right?

Maya turned to face the...Um…Student. "Can you guess?"

Phoenix: Heh, I doubt it, Maya's too unpredictable.

Maya: Was that...an insult?

Phoenix: *smirks*

Edgeworth: What's this about an "Um...Student"? Is this about the whole gender confused thing?

Quote:

The children started taking turns to guess where she got all the money to buy all the PSPs.

"The school provided it!" child number one said. Maya shook her head.

Edgeworth: That would be too normal.

Speakers: LOOOOOOL! It's more normal than we4ring a bib tho. :P

Edgeworth: It's a cravat! *glares at speakers*

Phoenix: This joke got old a while ago... *barely holds laughter*

Edgeworth: *glare*

Quote:

"You bought it?" child number two asked. Maya shook her head again.

"Where do you think I'll get the money to buy all this and if I was that rich, I wouldn't be here teaching you," Maya replied.

Phoenix: Why do I feel like this may be quite realistic?

Edgeworth: Our teacher in grade 4 may have been cruel, but not all teachers are like that.

Quote:

"Um…You pretended to be one of those beggars on the street and begged for money and you nearly got caught by the police because of it?" child number three said. Maya paused for a moment.

"You know, that's not a bad idea, I'll try that next time, but no," said Maya.

Phoenix and Edgeworth: *look at Maya*

Maya: I wouldn't do that!

Phoenix and Edgeworth: ...

Quote:

"Ooh! I know! You and Mr. Larry (1) robbed a bank! There's where you got the money from!" said child number four.

"Another good idea, but no. You know, kids, you should start a business on giving adults ways to get money! Most of your ideas are brilliant!" Maya exclaimed.

Speakers: That (1) means tht Larry thought being a teacher wuz fun and started working there. XD

Edgeworth: Lord help this school...

Maya: Heh, those are pretty good ideas! Nick, write them down!

Edgeworth: I'm a prosecutor you know.

Maya: Don't worry, I'll give you a split of the cash!

Edgeworth and Phoenix: ...

Quote:

The kids cheered and continued on their guesses.

A child gasped and said, "Don't tell me you borrowed money from evil loan sharks take your life if you can't pay them back the money you borrow plus interest!"

Phoenix: Beware of tigers, Maya.

Maya: I will, Nick.

Edgeworth: Hmm?

Quote:

The room became tense. All the students were worried that their teacher could be in some sort of trouble and then Maya said, "I can't borrow money from them. In fact, I can't go within one hundred feet from them. No matter which group of loan sharks. They issued a restraining order against me when I was trying to get them to buy me and Nick hamburgers...Pity."

Edgeworth: W-What?

Phoenix: You were trying to get me burgers from them?! *gulp*

Maya: Darn...That was supposed to be a secret. But I didn't ask for them to buy you any burgers.

Phoenix: Wait, no, let me say this instead, you were trying to get money from loan sharks....for burgers?

Maya: Is it really that big of a deal? *smiles*

Phoenix: *stares*

Quote:

The children relaxed and was stopped from guessing any further by Maya's threat of bringing them to the dentist.

"You know, I think that's enough guessing for now, unless you want to see the dentist. I shouldn't have asked you to guess, but even though it wasted a whole lot of my time, I'm glad I did. I've just found ways to earn more money!" Maya said.

Edgeworth: If they're so scared of the dentist, why would they relax after being threatened?

Phoenix: Maya's teaching messed their up words?

Edgeworth: You messed that up on purpose, didn't you, Wright?

Quote:

"So, are you going to tell us now?" the children chorused yet again.

Maya: Chorused? Did I teach them to sing? See! I AM a good teacher!

Phoenix: I'm imagining them singing, "So, what are you going to tell us now, huh?" it's actually a bit amusing...

Maya: Haha, you're right, Nick.

Edgeworth: *sighs* Why is it you both keep getting sillier as this goes on? Especially you, Wright.

Maya: Or maybe you're getting more and more boring. *sticks out tongue*

Phoenix: That was mean, Maya.

Maya: Sorry.

Quote:

"Sure! First I asked Detective Gumshoe, but he had a lame excuse for not being able to pay his own bills, wages and loans. What a terrible friend! Then I bugged him to a point where he finally told me to ask Prosecutor Edgeworth because he's so rich he has a shiny red sports car. And then I paid Edgeworth a trip! He wouldn't give me the money so I had to get Franziska to come and whip him until he does. She did so and that was how I got all the money! And Franziska received a quarter of his fortune too! It was a win-win situation for us and Nick because he wouldn't need to pay for this but not for Edgeworth! This was payback for not paying for my burgers!"

All: Huh?

Edgeworth: I doubt Franziska would help with this, and why didn't you just take Wright's wallet like you apparently usually do?

Phoenix: My wallet?

Maya: H-He's lying!

Edgeworth: No, I'm not. And I also doubt Gumshoe would tell you to bug me...

Quote:

The children nodded their heads and made a mental note to themselves to ask a Miss Franziska to help them persuade people to do stuff.

"So now that that's all clear, pick up your PSPs like this, insert the game in here, press these buttons like so and spin the joystick thingy until it falls off."

Speakers: WTF?! That strategy wouldn't work ever! >:(

Maya: So you've tried it before?

Speakers: W-WAT?! NO!

Phoenix: Is his sweat dripping from the speakers...?

Edgeworth: I...think it might.

Quote:

The children did as they were told and managed to get really high scores on their games.

Speakers: I bet they're playing SF

Phoenix: Hey, I was in a game styled after that, stop that!

Management: Yo, stop breaking the fourth wall, okay dawg?

All: What?

Quote:

"Congratulations! You all get As except for Bob because no one likes you. Now we'll be learning about the different types of games. There are RPGs which are Role-Playing Games and in those games, you play as a character in a storyline. Here is an example of an RPG!" she said, handing them a DS each and a little box.

Maya: But Bob's awesome!

Edgeworth: Who's Bob?

Maya: The Amazing Bob: Fighter of Evil! He's super strong, fast and can fly! As long as there's evil, there will be Bob!

Edgeworth: You have quite the imagination.

Maya: *shakes head* But he's real.

Quote:

"These are DSes! Where did you get the money to buy all these gaming consoles and *gasp* is that you on this box?" a student asked.

"The money was provided by Edgeworth and yes, I'm on the box. This game was made after Nick's first year as a defense attorney! And I'm in it! But the sad thing is that you play as Nick. Ah well, never mind. So, your homework is to complete the first case."

Phoenix: Why are you handing a game about murders to children?!

Maya: They have to learn eventually...?

Quote:

The children wrote it down in their to-do lists.

"Next, I'll be teaching you about shooters. Shooters are games which require you to shoot stuff. I know what you're thinking, 'why do we have shooting games when we already have guns?' well, you see, in shooting games, you kill virtual people, whereas in real life, you kill real people! And besides, all of you are underage so you can't own a gun. Actually, you can, but you will be sent to prison soon afterwards. So, shooters are games where you shoot virtual people without going to virtual jails."

Edgeworth: Okay, why would she be teaching little children about shooting games? I'm not very informed about the subject, but if a game has killing, especially with guns, it's M, and that means it can't be played in a school.

Maya: Bob stopped that rule, for JUSTICE!

Phoenix: B-Bob? Justice? (Does she mean him?)

Quote:

The children, besides Bob, cheered again and noted all the things Maya explained down and ran out the door as it was already time to go home.

Phoenix: Wow Maya, you're so slow if it took a whole day to start your lesson. *smirks*

Maya: That's mean, Nick!

Phoenix: I'm just joking.

Quote:

AFTER SCHOOL…

"So, what have you learnt in Video Games class?" the bald principal asked.

"I learnt that Ms. Maya hates me and we also learnt about RPGs and Shooters and that if you spin the joystick thingy of a PSP so hard, it'll fall off and you'll get a high score! I'm going to try it in an arcade soon!" Bob said.

He did so and was sent to jail for vandalizing arcade property, but the good news was that he got the highest score!

Everyone celebrated his leaving of the class and soon forgotten about him.

Edgeworth: Oh great, now an innocent child's in prison because of you.

Maya: NOOOOO! Bob...why?

Phoenix: It's not real, Maya.

Edgeworth: Also, why was it apparently worth mentioning the principal is bald?

Phoenix and Maya: *shrugs*

Phoenix: Because he's BOLD enough to stay at this school?

*crickets*

[Phoenix Wrights joke was so bad that the cameras and microphones shut down, thank you for sitting through today's "Sporking Classroom"]

I might stop sporking this now, after this it gets a bit stale with the same "Maya is silly, she teaches kids silly things" formula. I hope you guys enjoyed the first 4 chapters though!

Hmm, a French fic... I was translating fanfiction the other day, although this one is twice as long and looks like it might be better?It's called Miles Edgeworth's Investigations: Royal Turnabout and the summary says, "A recently reunified country is now threatening to split. It's up to prosecutor Miles Edgeworth to stop a new civil war. For this, the investigation must progress quickly and efficiently, but time is so short and the investigation so complex and unpredictable, even for the brilliant prosecutor."Honestly, that sounds pretty good. Although it is interesting that they're calling him Miles Edgeworth instead of Benjamin Hunter, his localized name in France. (That Gavincest(?) French fic a while back did the same thing, actually, with Klavier being called Klavier instead of Konrad.)By this time tomorrow, plus an hour, I'll have examples of my translation work up on one of my Tumblrs, so I'll link them here and then if anyone wants the translation of this fic, I might go for it...

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