10 principles for healthy 24/7 D/s and M/s

I recently taught a workshop called “Doing it 24/7: The Basics of Everyday Dominance and Submission.” It was an interesting experience—essentially it showed me that there’s a strong interest in the topic that goes way beyond what can fit into a 90-minute time slot. I’m seriously thinking of developing a workshop series on the topic and offering it on a weekly basis in Toronto somewhere. In the meantime, I figured I’d post some of the basic stuff I started with.

First, let me frame this. I’m not drawing a distinction between 24/7 D/s and M/s, because I find that different people use the terms in overlapping ways. So rather than say what I think each one is, I’ll just say that I’m talking about relationships that involve a full-time power hierarchy. For me, that means relationships in which the two (or more) people involved always relate to one another from a power-based dynamic, and that this dynamic extends outside the time that the people spend in one another’s presence. Certainly a lot of what I’m writing about will also apply to people who are in a consistent power dynamic that’s more time-bound—in which control on the dominant’s part does not extend past the time the two people are physically together or in direct communication—but my premise in writing this is to address the needs of D/s and M/s relationships that are in place and actively operational 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

With that in mind, here are the ten principles I’ve distilled for healthy 24/7 relationships.

1. Consent and strong desire.

This is the basic foundation for any relationship, but it becomes especially relevant in D/s. You are choosing because you want this, and you want it enough to make it an everyday thing rather than an occasional one. You are at choice at every point; if you are building trust, there is no need for shackles. And I’m serious about the idea of strong desire. It is possible to convince someone to dominate you or submit to you temporarily when they aren’t really into it. It’s not a great idea, but it happens, and it can work out okay in limited circumstances. Now, it’s also possible to convince someone to do that 24/7. But that is a very, very shaky foundation for a long-term relationship, and it won’t really give you the meat of what you’re looking for anyway; it will just give you the shell of it. Speaking as a dominant, I’ve realized that if I’m not 110% interested, I simply cannot sustain the kind of focus and effort required to maintain a 24/7 relationship, and that does not serve anyone well—myself or the submissive.

Also, on the topic of consent, there’s a persistent fantasy that in D/s or M/s, you give consent once and then it’s assumed forever. On the surface it may look like that, but believe me, it’s not that simple. Some relationships, after an extensive period (read: many years) of solidly established trust, will reach a point where the two people are so symbiotic that what we’d normally think of as “consent” doesn’t really matter anymore—but that’s not because it’s disappeared. Rather, it’s become an intrinsic part of the fabric of things. The partners know each other so well that they want the same things and move together seamlessly. You don’t get there overnight, or even in a few months. And depending on your personalities and how they interact, it may not happen at all, and that’s okay. So don’t see this as a goal or an ideal.

2. Distinction between fantasy and reality.

You are not extending your wank fantasies into your everyday reality; you will not be aroused at all times. 24/7 happens when you’re doing it for reasons beyond orgasm (even if arousal and orgasm are a big, or even essential, part of the draw). This is not a huge ongoing role-play scenario. It’s an intensification of the power-based parameters in which you live your everyday life. If you simply try to extend a role-play scenario into your entire relationship, you’ll find that the narrow parameters of a persona or character are simply not big enough to encompass who you are, and need to be, every hour of every day. 24/7 is not about restricting yourself to a specific set of characteristics the way you can for an hour or two in a scene; it’s about bringing all of who you are to the table and offering it within a full-spectrum relationship. That means you’re doing it regardless of what you’re wearing (leather, work drag, bunny slippers…) and where you are (bedroom, dungeon, airport, family dinner) and what you’re doing (fucking, working, eating breakfast, hanging out with friends). Yes, this means you may need to find ways to scale up and down the overt visibility of your D/s; no, it does not mean you’re turning t on or off at will. A lot of the classic “it’s just play” concepts that you might hear in a BDSM 101 workshop are going to go right out the window here because what you are doing is not a scene. It comes with a whole different – related, but different – psychology.

3. Clean motivation.

You are choosing from a place of strength. You do not need this, you just want it a lot. In other words, you’re not doing D/s because you’re dependent on a D/s dynamic to be able to function in life. You are not making up for dysfunction, and if you should discover dysfunction along the way, you have a…

4. Commitment to work on your own shit.

Intense power relationships will bring you face to face with whatever issues you need to work on; your ability to sustain your D/s relationship depends on your willingness to deal with them, and your partner’s willingness, and your mutual willingness to deal with theirs. Independently of the relationship you’re in now, if applicable, your progress in D/s and the success of future relationships also depends on your willingness to deal with your own shit—being eternally single or simply repeating the patterns you had trouble with in the last relationship will not help. Hint: if the same thing keeps going wrong in every relationship, you don’t just need to find the right person; you need to change yourself.

At the same time as you both need to commit to working on your shit, you also need to find a way to balance this with a commitment to taking each other as you are. While you can work on specific things, and while major change does take place sometimes, you cannot fundamentally change a person into something they are not, and you certainly can’t expect major change to happen quickly or exactly as you’d like it to. So don’t enter 24/7 if your happiness is going to be dependent on a radical or immediate personality shift on the others’ part.

5. Acknowledgement of equality.

You are choosing a relationship form that suits you because of your individual chemistry and fit, NOT because one of you is inherently superior, and certainly not because of gender, sex, race, age, financial situation, ability, community standing, etc.

I can’t tell you how grouchy it makes me when people blather about the “natural” superiority of a given group and therefore that group’s suitability for dominance, or the “natural” inferiority of another group and therefore their suitability for submission. (This mostly comes up with sex, by which I mean male and female—because there are only two options in this line of thought. And that often looks like “all women are goddesses” or the more classically sexist “all men are dominant.” But it also comes up with race, age and any number of other features.) For starters, don’t even start me on how riddled with fallacies the whole idea of “natural” is, and how easily any argument based on an idea of “natural” can get flipped to support its exact opposite, no matter what group you’re talking about. But most importantly, D/s is not about inferiority and superiority—it’s about the voluntary polarization of power roles, not a difference in quality between two human beings.

6. Acknowledgement of your humanity.

You will each make mistakes because you are human; neither of you is immune to fucking up. Build that understanding into your relationship, along with ways to deal with fuck-ups on either part. Hint: dominants can and do apologize when they fuck up. A powerful, dignified apology, when needed, is a building block for a solid relationship, and the very epitome of trustworthy dominance. But beyond the question of specific time-bound fuck-ups, even at the best of times, the intensity and polarity of D/s and M/s can place great pressure on each person involved. And we all have limits, even if those limits do well to be challenged at times. So if there’s something that doesn’t fit or isn’t working, that needs to be on the table and dealt with as it comes up, or the relationship’s structural integrity will crumble. Hint: remove the word “should” from your mental vocabulary and you will get a lot farther. For example, instead of “Dominants should always be stoic,” or “Submissives should anticipate a dominant’s every need,” you might say “I feel like my emotional expression is going to damage your trust in my stability,” or “I want to be able to better anticipate your needs.” Now you have the beginning of a real conversation.

7. Strong communication.

Double standards around communication are not a sign of dominance, they’re a sign of hypocrisy. Frame it however you will, but communication is essential—and that does not mean the submissive baring their soul while the dominant remains impassive. Communication works both ways. So regardless of your place in the D/s relationship, take a look at your communication patterns as they are, identify the places you need to improve, and work on them. Improving your communication skills is a lifelong project for most of us, and it is wise to see that as a good thing rather than as a chore. Then, do the same for the way your communication patterns intersect with your partner’s, and work on those too. Yes, it will be hard. Do it anyway. Learn to love it. Results will follow.

8. Restriction of D/s to the relationship.

Or at most, restriction to within a specifically agreed-upon community or an extended relational context—as in, ten people are all members of a group or leather family and explicitly agree that all submissives will behave a certain way toward all dominants, and vice versa; or, you are my submissive, Valerie is my fellow dominant, and we all agree that when she’s around you will serve her needs in the same way you serve mine. Failing an explicit agreement otherwise, this is a power hierarchy between you and your partner, not between you and your community, or you and every dominant or submissive you meet, or you and everyone in the world. Keep your D/s within its bounds. Otherwise you will turn into one of those nightmare dominants or submissives that everyone kinky wants to avoid (hello, consent!) and everyone else thinks is messed up in the head (which doesn’t do much to improve our image as perverts). Not to mention you’ll be exhausted.

9. Support.

D/s relationships are intense. Have I mentioned that? Intense, soul-searching relationships that affect every moment of every day do not exist in a vacuum. The kind of exploration and self-revelation that so often comes with D/s can make you go a bit nuts if you have no outside support. That support can take many forms:

Participation in a kink community can be incredibly helpful—it can provide relationship models for you to look at and learn from or discard as needed. Even if everyone around you does their kink differently than you do, that can help you better understand who you are (and are not) and what you’re doing (and not doing).

Reading (check out my annotated reading list here), workshops, discussion groups, and any number of other educational resources can similarly give you ideas to chew on, frameworks that may or may not work for you, and language to help you understand and express what you’re getting up to.

And last but not least, friends you can talk to about D/s. Non-kinky (but kink-friendly) friends are a great start, because the kind of challenges that come up in D/s are often similar to those in any other relationship. But frequently enough, D/s relationship issues will also have a character all their own, and even the most open-minded or well-intentioned vanilla friend may have a hard time truly getting it. It can be extremely helpful to build friendships with fellow D/s practitioners so you can offer each other a supportive shoulder when needed. Hint: Don’t wait until you need help… start building those friendships right away, and make sure you offer your own listening ear.

A brief caution: a classic warning sign that a D/s relationship is not so healthy is when one of the partners tells the other not to talk about it with anyone else, or not to participate in community. Of course you want to maintain basic respect for each other and your relationship – airing your dirty laundry for all to see, or trashing your partner loudly at a play party, is just not classy. But having one or two trusted friends to turn to in times of trouble can be essential, and a wise dominant will encourage the submissive to seek out support rather than discouraging it.

10. Patience.

This stuff takes a long time to build into great depth, and often a dominant’s job is to hold back, not to rush forward. Taking on responsibility for another human being in a polarized power situation is simply not something that’s wise to do quickly or carelessly. Take your time. Learn what you need to learn—about yourself, about them, about how to do this well and feel good about it. Don’t extend past your own limits because you feel pressure to do it all right-now-tout-de-suite. I do say that it’s often the dominant’s job to hold back, because I often see it happen that a submissive is totally gung-ho and champing at the bit while their dominant is feeling overwhelmed and struggling to hold tight. I liken it to the image of an enthusiastic dog who’s pulling on a leash so hard that their owner ends up running to keep up. Sure, it’s still technically D/s, but at some point you have to ask who’s actually in charge of it. And if you both want the dominant to be in charge, then the dominant sets the pace and the submissive heels. So in that sense, patience needs to come from the submissive too—metaphorically speaking (because no, I don’t think all submissives are like dogs), don’t yank on the leash. D/s does not come with a deadline, so don’t impose one unnecessarily.

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91 thoughts on “10 principles for healthy 24/7 D/s and M/s”

I agree with most things you’ve said here, but there’s a part of me scratching my head and saying, “But this all looks like common sense.” Working on your shit, putting all of yourself on the table, separating fantasy from reality, it’s what needs to happen in any relationship. But I’ve seen a few kink communities, and I’ve read a helluva lot of scary shit in them, and I know that a lot of this seems really radical compared to that. Which is frightening.

I’m glad you’re getting this material out there to counterbalance the armies of fantastical misinformation, but I also wish it just wasn’t necessary.

Hi Andrea,
Thanks for posting this! I was signed up for the workshop in Ottawa but last minute couldn’t make it. Do you ever conduct workshops in Vancouver? I’d love to make it in person.
Thanks for bloggin’
a

Ranat – Yup. The cliché that “common sense is not that common” rings awfully true here. Which is not to say that smart, down-to-earth people aren’t doing this stuff – because they are, and lots of them – it’s just that they aren’t often writing about it, or at least not in great numbers. Anyway, thanks for the kind words!

Ashley – I do occasionally get out to Vancouver, but it doesn’t happen terribly often, and it’s proven difficult to set up workshops while I’ve been there. If you have suggestions I’m all ears! My next visit is planned for the summer of 2011, but that’s not to say one couldn’t happen earlier. Anyway, thanks for your comment! 🙂

I very much enjoyed reading this post! Thank you! I don’t have any experience in 24/7 D/s, but I moderate a Fetlife group where some do, so I’ll be passing this along as a great resource.

One question, regarding your description of patience: I’ve heard from several submissives who are struggling in the other direction with the pace that their dominant has set. They’re fearful of moving so fast. Sometimes it’s sounds like healthy boundary-pushing to me, and sometimes it seems to accompany other lacks in other areas – communication, equality, etc. How do you see the equality and humanity issues overlapping with patience, when a submissive is thinking “I should be moving faster, when I don’t want to, because my dom wants me to”? I hear them grappling with what timing decisions are best for the dom to decide, and what timing decisions are theirs to give consent for. What advice do you have in that struggle?

Hi Elizabeth – That’s a really good question, thanks for bringing it up. Unfortunately I really don’t think I’m going to be able to give a one-size-fits-all answer. I think you make an excellent point when you say that there’s a difference between healthy boundary-pushing and unhealthy lacks in some of the key areas I’ve brought up here – in a sense you’ve kind of answered your own question!

I think a dominant’s job is to push when needed and hold back when appropriate. But if the dominant’s judgement is consistently in favour of hurrying up and the submissive constantly finds themselves struggling to keep up, and not feeling good about that, then there is definitely a problem. I think that, without saying it in so many words, my point with this post is that the primary criteria of a healthy D/s relationship (or any other kind, really, but in a potentially heightened fashion in D/s) is trust. Anything that erodes trust will erode the relationship, and rightly so. So a wise dominant has no interest in setting a pace that’s too fast for the submissive to handle, because in the end, that’ll just hasten the demise of the relationship, which in theory at least is not really to anyone’s benefit. But at the same time, if the dominant is too keen on setting a fast pace and the submissive balks, then perhaps all is as it should be. One hopes they’ll all learn – the dominant to pace things better and the submissive to choose who they trust more wisely.

Wow, thank you for posting! This is all great advice. This is powerful stuff that needs to be said.

I started out as a gung-ho sub ready to follow His every move and do anything He said, and reality hit me like a punch to the stomach. After trying to be a no-limits slave for two years, I realized I had “limitations” (a word used to signify that place further than which you CANNOT go, either physically or emotionally, which is distinguished from “limits”, which are voluntary, IMHO) and after trying to be someone I was not, had to basically re-negotiate things. You would think I would know all the stuff in your blog, but I thought M/s/D/s was different than other relationships. How silly of me.

I also think Doms and subs need to recognize that sometimes “topping from the bottom” is necessary if the top’s style is too strict or insensitive and your needs aren’t being met. I think of it as “training the Master”. It is consensual, after all.

Absolutely brilliant. I’m overwhelmed by reading this. Finally.. someone who writes logically, rationally and entirely on the right path when it comes to D/s and M/s. I couldn’t have put it better myself.

Thank you so much for this post. Master and I are new to this lifestyle and have been researching and reading everything. Most comes from extremists and “online” players. We are fortunate that we began as a very loving, commited “vanilla” couple so that is how our M/s relationship is governed.
I have a question involving moving too fast and hard limits…I have a very traditional monogamous nature. Master does not. Although he can be faithful in relationships, this new ownership of me has lead him to places like poly and multiple partners. He tells me these fantasies. I welcome how open he is, but he goes on to tell me eventually, when I’m ready, this will be my life.
How possible is it that he’s right? I’m scared now, and he knows it, but insists it will happen. I fear he will allow fantasy to become reality for the sake of sexual gratification and it will take precedence over our loving relationship. BTW, druslan, as he named me is Icelandic for slut.

Owning someone is not something that happens overnight. It’s a process of incredibly fine-tuned and painstaking trust-building. That trust is sacred. Any Master (etc.) who truly wants to own someone must hold that trust above all else – above their sexual fantasies, above their ego, above their desire (sexual and otherwise). In some ways mastery is truly the art of self-restraint, paired with the ability to deeply listen to what is right. That restraint opens up space for trust; deep listening to any and all information (verbal, non-verbal, spiritual, etc.) about the well-being and state of mind of the submissive builds that trust. The bigger and stronger the trust, the deeper you can go in M/s.

So. With that in mind, if you’re not sure that you trust your Master to act in a way that preserves your well-being, and if you are genuinely worried that he’ll be more interested in his own sexual gratification than in maintaining trust in your ownership dynamic, something is wrong. I would encourage you to take a good long look at your reasons for trusting this person to own you if you’re not certain that you trust him to be good to you.

Does this mean you shouldn’t eventually be non-monogamous? No, not necessarily. There is lots of room for boundary-pushing in M/s relationships and well beyond the context of M/s. The cultural and social values that surround monogamy are multi-layered and extremely powerful; regardless of what our ultimate relationship choices are, I believe we would all do well to re-think the reasons behind our beliefs in that regard. So perhaps your Master sees in you the genuine potential to break down your thought process and beliefs, soften some boundaries and experience happiness in new ways of doing relationship. Perhaps he has reason to believe that ultimately, you will be happier if you open up to non-monogamy. And he may well be right. I don’t have enough evidence to be able to say yea or nay on this count – that’s in your hands.

If you trust him sufficiently to follow his lead on something even where you don’t feel certain, and if that turns out well, that too will build trust – this is how boundary-pushing works. You take a risk, your Master holds you and supports you in it, and it works out well and feels good. Rinse and repeat day after day, month after month, year after year, and eventually you’re in a place where you trust his judgement implicitly, feel way less fear, and find yourself doing things you never thought you would – and loving it! If, on the other hand, you feel disrespected and not supported, then boundaries are not really being pushed – they’re just being violated. Once or twice, most of us can get over. If that’s the pattern of your relationship, though, I hope you will reconsider your commitment to it before too much damage is done.

But again – this is all about trust-building. Mastery is not about getting your way all the time and forcing someone else to comply. If that’s what your Master is after, he’d be way better off taking up wrestling and leaving ownership to others. Ownership has nothing to do with force. It has to do with taking someone to a place where they *want* to do what the Master wants – and not just in that “I want to please you” sort of way – I mean, getting someone to a place where from the depths of their soul, they share the Master’s values and outlook and they feel gratified and nourished by following his or her path. You’re the only one who gets to decide what’s actually going on, and to discern whether your resistance comes from the kind of fear that needs to be worked through or the kind of fear that’s rooted in your accurate perception of a genuine risk of harm to your well-being.

‘So perhaps your Master sees in you the genuine potential to break down your thought process and beliefs, soften some boundaries and experience happiness in new ways of doing relationship. Perhaps he has reason to believe that ultimately, you will be happier if you open up to non-monogamy.’

Andrea, thank you so much for the posted reply. This is exactly what he tells me. He knows the fear and tells me without it I wouldn’t be normal(whatever that is). As I said, our relationship evolved into master/slave. This is the first time we’ve indulged in this lifestyle. The rewards are numerous, yet fighting the demons of “self” can be challenging. Your posts are insightful and a welcome change to most of the sex-perts online. Want to hold classes in Florida?
Thanks,
druslan (former soccer mom)

P.S. I’m more than happy to come teach in Florida… all I need is an invitation and a flight ticket! Feel free to drop me a line if you want to make that happen! Anytime from January to March would be especially good… 😉 Yay for Canadian winters.

I agree with Ranat that most of it sounds suspiciously like common sense – which it is – and that it’s a shame we have to spell things out so specifically, but c’est la vie.

I particularly like your comments about pacing, both in the body of the post and the subsequent remarks. I was with a dominant who did not understand that *at all*, and thus, despite the fact that we were otherwise about as close to a perfect match on both the kink and the vanilla fronts as humanly possible, the relationship came to a crashing end. There were other factors, of course, but that was what a lot of what underlay the issues. Couple that with “unclean” motivation and an inability to distinguish between fantasy and reality, and there was no chance, really. I don’t know if I’ll ever recover from it and the sheer tragedy of a failure that could have been prevented.

Andrea my friend, it’s been many months since my desperate plea for advise was posted to this site. I found your words comforting and reassuring. I wanted to give you an update.
I have had a few threesome encounters with Master now. It seems after all of our conversations and deep soul searching revelations that he is bi-sexual. This is actually my eureka that he soon came to accept…lol
We are currently seeking a third for a poly household. A bi-male! The struggle and issues that previously plagued me disappeared when I realized that the reason for the third was to satisfy something he had denied himself throughout his life due to other people telling him it was wrong. When I saw how open and trusting he was with his past pain and the horrible reaction others had shown him, my heart melted and so did the fears.
Instead of fear I was proud of him for sharing. I was also honored when he told me he wanted this very much but only to share with me. It wasn’t something he had interest in doing alone. This man took the ultimate risk and openned himself to me not knowing what my reaction would be.
The first time, he studied my face the entire time. I made sure he only saw love, appreciation and pleasure looking back at him.
As I tell him, I don’t know if this is what’s right for me in my life. I will walk with him, support him and give everything of myself to make it work.
We never know if where we are in life is part of the same journey or if we have reached a destination; a place where we finally find peace. I will continue to “ride” this adventure and all that follow, until if or when the bus reaches my “stop”. At that time I will disembark, thank everyone for a wonderful ride and wish them all the best of luck in their travels.
and my thanks to you Andrea for being a wonderful tour guide!
to be continued…
druslan

One of the most insiteful, intelligent articles I have ever read on the realities of a D/s relationship. There’s only thing I could possibly add. This life isn’t easier, it’s actually harder. But at the end of the day, it’s far more rewarding.

So glad I stumbled upon this blog. I have a very successful marriage, and have been seeking a Dominant outside it. My husband is kinky, but not into power exchange and S/m.
The biggest obstacles I’ve run into are with #6 and #10.
I feel that as a submissive I am expecting the Dominant to be in charge of pacing the relationship, and in my experience they’ve wanted to go too fast. In my life (kink and otherwise) I’ve had difficulties maintaining boundaries. If a guy wants to commit soon, I’ll attempt it because I don’t want to lose him, even if I’m not ready to go to the next level. That’s my issue. I’m not a doormat, but being assertive can be a challenge for me.

Until now, I always thought that this was trickier with D/s, but really I’m just doing the same crap I always do – letting someone else set the pace of my life.

I think I’m getting better at making my needs known as a submissive without overstepping my role. It’s actually helped me be more diplomatic at work – same sort of thing.

As far as #6, it’s been with me acknowledging my own humanity. Again – an issue I have in my vanilla life. A dominant told me that I’m not responsible for his happiness. That was a big revelation for me.

Reblogged this on In a velveteen glove and commented:
Just want to save this for future reference. Article about healthy D/s that contains things that should be “common” sense, but often get forgotten.

Thanks Michelle and other recent commenters, I appreciate the kind words. I’m working on my first book, which will include this post and a whole lot more. So that’ll be one way to get your hands on my work. Also, I love to travel and teach. Feel free to check out my Workshops page for details!

A well-written article. Especially love the fact that it is not written from a “single truth” perspective. I learned some time ago that I do not want a 24/7 Ds relationship but the article is still very informative. No 3 on clean motivation is an excellent point. (“You do not need this, you just want it a lot”). It applies to all aspects of bdsm and holds true for both dominant and submissive.

Excellent post and excellent integration of the replies it get. Thank you very much for it. May I translate it into Greek language to post it in GreekBDSMCommunity forum, where I am a moderator? Self understood that the source is going to be definitely mentioned!

Thanks so much for your kind comment, and for your interest in translating the post into Greek. I would be thrilled to see that happen. Please do go ahead, and link back here, and feel free to post a link to the translation – I will certainly share it! 🙂

Thank you for posting this! It was an interesting and beneficial read. My Sir and I have been together for almost a year and are moving in together soon. He’s gone very slowly with me and with training, which I have nothing but love for him for because he understands my past triggers and does everything he can to help me work through them. He has a lot of past experience in the community/lifestyle, while I have some direct experience, it was years ago and I was in an abusive relationship which relegated most of my desires (sexual and otherwise) to fantasy. It’s been a challenging and exciting road for me, but I have never felt so content with my life as I do now.

What I’ve found I am lacking is kinky/kink-friendly friends…while my friends and even my therapist are all openminded people, I feel I might get sideways glances or looks of utter confusion if I try to explain how much it bothers me if I need to remove my collar for work, or that I am finding it a personal spiritual challenge to complete my most recently added rule to kneel and bow until released when entering/exiting our residence without some trepidation, or even philosophical discussions on how to not let the fact that you are naturally submissive translate into not being assertive in every day life (like work). We aren’t a part of the local community at present (long story, but involved both of us and a woman we were both involved with who has a very strong presence in the community – when that part of the relationship deteriorated, I made the choice that I’d rather have him, and I’ve not regretted it one bit :)), and online forums appear to be filled with drama and labeling everything neatly into shoeboxes (by many accounts, for example, I couldn’t rightly consider myself my Sir’s slave).

I would love to get to know and spend time with other submissive women where we could have those sorts of discussions (and my Sir fully supports this), but I’ve no idea where to start.

Recently started seeing a guy who has been in this life style for many years, he has since sort of ended it he is the s. He and his d didn’t have a sexually relationship in fact she is married and her spouse is okay with her role as a d. I didn’t know of life style till I started getting serious about this guy. He decided to tell me. He was having much doubt about his ability to have a vanilla relationship. He would always be yearning for the s and m life style. My question do you think it’s possible to have a relationship with him and allow him to par take in this life style?? What are the chances I could learn about and enjoyed it as well?? I’m really into this guy would like to have a relationship with him. I consider myself to be an open mined person, and would like to make him happy/

Reblogged this on The Submission of Elle and commented:
This is a fabulous read and chock-full of conversation starters. If you’re in a 24/7 relationship, are trying to have one, or would Iike to have one some day, sit down and study this.

This was a very, very good article. Very informative. I was so happy to read this and was nodding my head along the way. I, myself, only wish that it weren’t so difficult to interact with others that live 24/7. 🙂

Reblogged this on Sweet Servitude of Master's Treasure and commented:
This was an extremely good post. I was really impressed. We are a 24/7 Dom/sub relationship and this really accentuated a lot of my thoughts and feelings. If only it weren’t so hard to connect to others living 24/7.

I love this so much. I am in a new relationship. We are d/s in the bedroom, i wish to please and honor him otherwise as well, he also wants to protect, cherish, take care.of me outside the bedroom (or wherever else) as well. I recently joined a sire that I thought was my ideal community, but now two days in I am being pressured to talk to Mr about joining the Dom part of the site, even though he is not online, and basically being told that we HAVE to follow some sort of guidelines. I am very uncomfortable with that, as everything with Mr and I is very new and informal right now. I am a person who wants to make the person im with happy, feel secure, know they are loved, so I am reading his cues and following suit, he has been reading mine as well, incredibly so, as I have never before been with a truly dominant man, and have never felt so well cared for, and i have never felt this level of trust. Im rambling now, anyways. Thank you so much!

This is amazing. I’m so happy to have this reaffirmation of my beliefs about bdsm because lately my online kink communities seem a bit over run by 50 shades nuts. My Master and I stick to this view of bdsm pretty closely actually, though one thing we do agree on is that it is a fantasy, role-play situation, but only in the sense that either of us can get out of it if it isn’t working. Besides that, unless I have a good reason (or, in sex, if I’m not in the mood/feel unsafe), imm submissive to him in everything. It’s the best feeling in the world to belong to someone who respects the hell out of you.

You seem awesome though. I’m sure any sub who’s with you is very fortunate and well treated. (:

Thank you so much for this. Trying to explain the dynamic We have (24/7) to others even in the Lifestyle can at times be really challenging and this is an excellent piece I can point others too. Thank you again!!

Reblogged this on Fedora Loves Poetry and commented:
I read this piece for the first time last year. Re-reading has helped me further understand more about the foundation of a D/s relationship. I want to share it with my readers. Fedora loves you. Peace.

My husband of 5 years has come to me with the idea of 24/7 m/s. I have been in an abusive relationship and have been forced to do things against my will that were hurtful. I left this relationship months before we met and I hadn’t been with anyone. Our relationship was extremely rocky and a constant battleat first. However, he helped me overcome a lot of fears and helped me discover what it meant to be a person again. That it was ok for me to make decisions and that it would be OK to speak my mind.

Five years later we now have 2 kids. I am very grateful for him and all he has done. However, I still have fears of being hurt. I find that I don’t give complete trust to him. I worry still that I will be hurt in the end still. I do not like to feel this way but I find it hard to understand why I do.

I was always a prude and he is very open about everything, especially sex. Lately he has been trying to introduce a ton of new things all at once and I can not keep up. I feel overwhelmed that I can not satisfy him. he keeps talking about wanting to break down my boundaries and free me to a new way. He even brings up threesomes. I have been very close minded and I dislike the idea of anyone else being brought into our relationship. I fear that maybe he will use the m/s to just do it anyway.

I am not sure if it is just me over reacting because of fear. I very new to a lot of things. New things frighten me but I want to make him happy. I don’t want to go into this m/s dynamic just for him. I can see some positive for me but I’m not sure how much. I could definitely use some insight from other sub/slave that have felt this way. How did you overcome these feelings? Did you have to overcome them alone?

I can’t speak from a submissive perspective so I will leave that to future commenters. But I will suggest that you seek some support from fellow submissives who might be able to help you see your way clearly in this. It is tricky stuff. Your fears are legitimate, whether they are accurate to the current situation or not. The question is, does that mean this is the wrong path for you, or that you need support, or that you need to be pushed? That part is your call to make. Best of luck in your journey.

Thank you so much for your article Andrea and for you blog. I’m sorry my reply isn’t as interesting as many others but I just wanted to thank you deeply for this specific article. I’m living a happy and fulfilling D/s 24/7 relationship with my husband and I can’t really think about having a different life. It’s just something which is not “me” in so many ways and I’m happy I had the chance to discover and accept my real nature when I was very young. But sometimes (often, actually), I find very difficult to explain to my fellow subs or “wannabe” subs, how it really works, how the submissive part of the couple has the right to have so much power in her/him and how respect and trust are never an option. Everyone has the right to live a happy life, whatever it means, and this lifestyle, when we really are into it, can be so “sublime” both physically and psychologically. But with the wrong premises can be a horrible nightmare. I’ll show a few friends your article, then, with joy. Thank you =)

The comments are as insightful as the article. The fact that, six years later, people are still commenting, reading, responding… wow. Though it also makes you wonder — why the dearth of good D/s thinking out there?

I REALLY appreciate the fact that you acknowledge that D/s is not NECESSARILY binary, Male/female or Female/male, and that it is not something out of a commercial porn site. That it is a RELATIONSHIP between HUMAN BEINGS where those human beings can have any one of many (and complex) gender identities. Not just the online communities but even the local events seem loaded with people for whom D/s is VERY rigid and VERY ‘binary’ (why is that?).

My Love and I are exploring this at my request. She is SOOOOO smart and capable. I am also very smart and capable but she has a quality I do not. I like to call myself ‘female’ and her ‘male’ which is a very confusing way of putting things because I also… argh.

I have wanted this my entire adult life — maybe even earlier, at least into puberty. Figuring out how to do it in a way that is healthy has not been easy. Figuring out how to ask for it has not been easy. I tell her I sometimes feel weird asking her to be my Dominant. She assures me that it is not weird at all.

I honestly do not swing with the ‘ownership’ thing… I agree that there is always choice and always consent. But when she touches me, I feel like I ‘belong’ to her. But not like a possession, an object, a slave… it’s hard to put into words. To have her touch me, gently, sweetly — I turn to putty. Pure putty.

I have asked her to read this piece you wrote and I am very sure she will smile at that last paragraph, maybe even burst out laughing — I am indeed a gung-ho subbie, though when I was washing the dishes the other day only the thought that I asked for this kept me at it (it was a LOT of dishes).

Anyway, thanks for writing this. It would be good if more of us who thought and felt this way communicated more.

Excellent missive to all of us trying to create a D/s relationship based on polarity. What an interesting concept, and very refreshing compared with the “under the thumb” or “put your foot down” crap we read often. As a submissive, it does tend to make one feel inferior and not valued in the relationship except as a doormat. Doesn’t make for a very satisfying 24/7 life. My Dominant shares this view of relationship status being polarized yet equal.

Hi, I’m a little new to the Dom/sub thing. My girlfriend has expressed interest in a 24/7 dom/sub relationship. She said that life is stressful and she would prefer if I took control. I know about the bedroom stuff, but I’m confused as to how to be a Dom outside of the bedroom. She said that she wanted me to set up rules for her to follow during the day. I want to do this for her. Can someone who has experince message me back and explain how to have a functional 24/7 relationship?

I stumbled across this while looking for information (bdsm related) that is completely different. However, this is not only a very good and very true writing, it is very much needed in the bdsm community. I also feel that most of this applies to vanilla relationships, also. However, this part of your post “being eternally single or simply repeating the patterns you had trouble with in the last relationship will not help. Hint: if the same thing keeps going wrong in every relationship, you don’t just need to find the right person; you need to change yourself.” struck me as a bit confusing. I am not currently in a relationship of any sort, and have never been in a 24/7 D/s relationship. I have realized recently that I am making poor choices when it comes to who I am attracted to and getting involved with, and have decided that not only do I enjoy being single (for now) but that I need to stay that way until I can work out whatever issues are causing me to make bad relationship choices. Therefore, I am not sure how it would go to not try to stay single, while working on my own shit.

Hi Cat! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with staying single, or choosing to be celibate. In fact I took a two-year break from sex and dating myself in my early 20s for what sounds like a really similar reason to yours. My point was that being solo, on its own, does not fix whatever problems you may have been having in relationships. If you work on your own shit *while* single, great! And if being single is a key piece of the framework that helps you heal, of course. I just think some folks go “relationships suck, I’ll just stay single forever” without ever trying to solve the underlying issues. Then, if/when chemistry strikes despite their best intentions, they still haven’t figured out how to do relationships better, so predictably, they suck all over again. Either that or they stay alone indefinitely and feel increasingly bitter about it, which is a really different thing that being single because you deeply want to on its own merits. Anyway, best of luck with your journey, wherever it takes you, partnered or solo. 🙂

Hello I have been in a relationship for over a year and a half now. It’s been rocky but we have always pulled through it. My girlfriend was rather vanilla and never explored and kind of kink. I have had a little experience in the past but not enough to qualify me as a dom. Just the other day she told me she wanted to fully submit to a dom. I have a potential problem with this. I don’t like the idea of sharing her with another man. I am fully willing to become the dom she needs. But I feel like I need some time to accomplish this. I have a friend who is a dom and might be willing to give me helpful tips. Is there anyone else out there who has run into this problem? Any input would be very much appreciated

A lot of people find themselves in your situation – partnered with someone who is discovering some pretty intense kinky desires. If this is something you feel good about and interested in pursuing, then it can be a wonderful journey of self-exploration and intimacy. Tips are great, but TBH the terrain is so vast that I would recommend you do some broad reading so you can hone your curiosity, figure out what truly appeals to you and form your own ideas about what you want to do and learn about. Check out my annotated reading list on D/s and M/s under my Kink Resources tab, it will give you some places to start. You can also attend conferences and workshops to find inspiration and ideas.

Remember, your partner’s desires don’t oblige you to do things you aren’t interested in or become someone you aren’t – be careful not to try and transform yourself into someone else’s fantasy as you may lose sight of your own desires in the process! There is a bit of paradox here: someone may wish to submit, and in so doing may put great effort into helping create the kind of dominant that best suits their perceived desires and needs. But there is a delicate balance point here because your dominance also needs to be authentic to you, not just a product of another person’s fantasies – and that means it might not be exactly what the submissive dreams of. Most times, dominance is only truly satisfying to the submissive if it is genuinely coming from you anyway. But there is a careful negotiation to be done here, and compatibility is not guaranteed as you delve into what you each want.