Empty nesters adapting to evolving Christmas

As children split time between families, parents choosing traditions to keep, add, abandon

December 07, 2011|By Joan Cary, Special to the Tribune

Kay and Rick Kehoe have decided that, with four adult children, they would keep some traditions and get rid of others. The family no longer cuts down a real tree, and instead puts up a prefab tree. (Keri Wiginton, Chicago Tribune)

Preparing for the holidays can be as memorable as the holidays themselves. Buying and decorating the tree, arguing, laughing and reminiscing.

But as the kids get bigger, the nest emptier and the schedules more complicated, the holidays are just as much about adjusting.

Kay Kehoe, of Wheaton, describes it as "a tear in one eye, a twinkle in the other." Time for keeping some traditions, bending or breaking others, being flexible with expectations, and appreciative of the time you have.

"Our children are supposed to grow up," said Kehoe, the mother of four children between the ages of 25 and 32. "The fact that they are always happy to come and happy to go is a compliment. Of course I would love to have them all here surrounding me, and I love when all of them are here, but those days also take a great amount of energy."

Although Kay and her husband, Rick, continue to decorate, it is not quite as it used to be. For years, the family gathered to cut down a tree on the day after Thanksgiving, had dinner together and decorated. Now, Kay and Rick put up a prefab tree on Friday and do some of the decorating. Each child's box of ornaments is put on the dining room table, and when they arrive, they do their part to decorate.

Some traditions, like lighting the Sunday Advent wreath, have disappeared. Others, such as Kay adding a new, hand-sewn ornament on each one's stocking each year, seem to have grown in anticipation and importance.

"When they were in college they came home, dropped their stuff and were off," she said. "They were very attentive to their friends and significant others. It can be difficult, but rather than take it personally I tried to understand. They are far more willing to pay attention to us if we are willing to cooperate with them."

Psychotherapist Mary E. Doheny, at Northwestern University's Family Institute, would give Kehoe a big thumbs-up for that approach.

A family conversation is important as the kids become young adults, Doheny said. Parents and children should decide which traditions are important and what they can let go of. Parents should be specific about how much they are willing to do.

"Lay off the guilt trip and be honest about your own limitations," she said.

Just as the kids come home and make their needs and plans known, the parents need to say: "I can't do all of this. Let's plan the holiday together," said Doheny. "It's a relief for the children to not have a mother guilting them up. And they enjoy being asked to help."

For years, Terrie Doherty, of Crystal Lake, put up a 14-foot artificial tree in her Crystal Lake home. Now her daughter and son are out of the house and she doesn't want to put the big tree up every year.

"Just getting it out of the basement is like grounds for divorce," she said. "Last year I hired two guys to put it up, and then it still takes two days just to decorate it, let alone do the lights outside and the candles in the windows."

She also has a smaller, 8-foot tree adorned with the kids' nostalgic ornaments and those she got from students when she was teaching. She is more receptive to putting that tree up.

"I know I will succumb to the thought that I have to put some stuff up, and once I get started, things will trickle out," she said. "I think deep down the kids appreciate it, but I also don't have the energy I had 20 years ago."

Getting rid of stuff as she decorates each year helps keep things in control, she said. She is more concerned that for the first time her daughter won't be home for Christmas.

"It hits you hard at first, but you have to share," she said. "It's just a part of life."

Amy Trager, certified professional organizer in Chicago, said parents can simplify the pre-holiday work and get a jump on the popular New Year's resolution to organize by learning to part with some of the holiday decoration.

Gather all of the decorations and gift wrap in one room and choose only what you absolutely want to use this year. Then immediately package the rest to go to a resale or charity, to toss, or box to keep, she suggested.

If you're attached to an item your child made but it will never be displayed again, take a picture of it and then offer it to your child or get rid of it, she said. Pick the favorites of the childhood things, put them in a box lined with acid-free tissue paper, label and store.

People will keep a gift from someone special, even if they never liked the item.

"If you get rid of the item, will you still remember the person?" Trager asks. If so, pass it along.

Joan Kaufman, designer and owner of Interior Planning and Design in Naperville, said many empty-nester parents lessen the stress of decorating by switching to a 6-foot, pre-lit, artificial tree. She suggests that if you have the space, don't undress it after the holidays. Bag it and put it in the basement or a closet for next year when you can "fluff it up." Some people will also hire her or other designers to do the decorating for them.

"The hardest part is when you are in the in-between stage," she said. "You are still in that big house but the kids who helped decorate it have gone off to do their own thing."

She recommends using pre-lit garland for decorating because it is warming and easy to use.

The Kehoe family will be together for Christmas Eve this year, probably discussing their family fantasy football league over dinner. But they have had many years when some of the children were with in-laws or elsewhere.

"We have learned to embrace who is here with us and not necessarily mourn who is not," said Kay Kehoe. "I don't care what day I get them as long as I get them. Sometimes we just have to say 'Merry Dec. 18.'"