Through my work, I’ve had the privilege of speaking to and working with thousands of students, young adults and parents.

Two things have become painfully obvious to me.

First, it’s extraordinarily difficult to be a world-class parent.

Second, a significant proportion of students and young adults’ frustrations are caused by their parents.

I’m not a parent myself, but I’ve observed what many parents say to their children, which can negatively impact them—sometimes for life.

From a child and a student’s perspective, here are 10 things that parents should never say:

1. “You’re useless” or “You’re a failure”

It’s shocking how many parents say this to their children in a fit of anger.

This is the type of phrase that can scar children deeply, and can make them doubt their worth as a human being.

2. “I know what’s best for you”

As a parent, you might feel like you really do know what’s best for your children, but using this phrase is not at all effective in convincing them that you're right.

Instead, parents should do all they can to empower their children to take full responsibility for their choices and their life.

3. “Because I said so!”

This is another phrase that’s unlikely to be persuasive.

Parents need to establish boundaries for their children, but “Because I said so” isn’t enough reason for children to be convinced that staying within those boundaries is a good idea.

4. “I told you so”

It’s tempting for parents to say this when it turns out that their advice that their children had ignored was, in fact, correct.

If you’re a parent, I urge you to refrain from using this phrase. Saying “I told you so” is sure to annoy your children and to cause strain in the relationship.

5. “So clever!”

Here are some instances where parents might exclaim “So clever!”:

A two-year-old keeps his or her toys after playing with them A three-year-old says “Thank you” after receiving a present A 12-year-old decides to learn about Einstein’s theory of relativity

Parents (and all of us, in general) have subconsciously come to associate responsibility, politeness and curiosity with “cleverness”.

When they do this, however, they begin to unintentionally tell their children that intelligence is all-important, when in fact most of us would agree that integrity and morals are even more important.

Parents should emphasize character and values, while not neglecting the worth of hard work and a love for learning.

When parents praise their child, they should be specific, rather than just saying "So clever!"

For example, they could say "That was kind of you to help that lady carry her groceries" or "That was generous of you to share your toys with your friend".

6. “Why can’t you be more like…”

It’s natural for parents to draw comparisons to other children, but doing so can cause psychological damage to their own children.

Parents ought to focus on what makes their children unique, and encourage them to be the best version of themselves that they can be, instead of merely trying to be better than others.

7. “I wish you weren’t my son/daughter”

Some parents say this when they’re feeling especially frustrated or upset with their children.

I’ve spoken to students whose parents had said this to them more than 10 years earlier, but they still harboured immense bitterness and resentment toward their parents for making such a hurtful statement.

8. “You’re such a terrible boy/girl!”

Children have a strange way of becoming the kind of person that their parents, as well as those closest to them, imagine them to be.

When a child misbehaves, parents could say something like this instead: “This is so unlike you. You’re usually such a considerate and responsible boy. You’ll still be punished for misbehaving, but this is really not like you at all to do something so naughty.”

9. “You always…” or “You never…”

When trying to correct their child’s behaviour, it’s much more effective for parents to point out specific instances or examples, rather than tell their child that “You always forget to do your chores” or “You never keep your promises”.

10.“Don’t argue with me”

When parents say this during a disagreement, they cause their child to feel even angrier and less willing to obey or compromise.

Parents should reason with their child and explain their perspective calmly. It’s crucial that parents don’t lose their cool!

In closing…

As a parent, you have the ability to powerfully influence your children’s future and destiny.

What a noble yet daunting responsibility!

To all of you parents reading this article: I know you’re up to the challenge

IYA NGBALI: My parents said a lot of bad things than all these to me,I no die o,abeg make we here word jo all dis oyinbo theory no dey work for here

Thank you jare.. I tire for all these cut and paste. For me, the most important thing is to teach your child about positive values and the reality of what life is all about and not all these lost afrophobic children all over the place who are more oyinbo than oyinbos themselves...

Someone shld tell Oga Seun to remove the advertisement page that opens each time i'm trying to read the first thread here since he has refuse to let us place our garri advert for free. Why shld i be seeing his advert page instead of the thread i opened! Is that suppose to be business strategy or sense? I'm annoyed. Someone shld beg me o ...

we grew up with these words,but i thank God now when i look back,thought they were bad words but some were used to set us back on track and make us stay focus and also to bring out the best in a kid...So its not all that bad for a reasonable kid

jammyng: Through my work, I’ve had the privilege of speaking to and working with thousands of students, young adults and parents.

Two things have become painfully obvious to me.

First, it’s extraordinarily difficult to be a world-class parent.

Second, a significant proportion of students and young adults’ frustrations are caused by their parents.

I’m not a parent myself, but I’ve observed what many parents say to their children, which can negatively impact them—sometimes for life.

From a child and a student’s perspective, here are 10 things that parents should never say:

1. “You’re useless” or “You’re a failure”

It’s shocking how many parents say this to their children in a fit of anger.

This is the type of phrase that can scar children deeply, and can make them doubt their worth as a human being.

2. “I know what’s best for you”

As a parent, you might feel like you really do know what’s best for your children, but using this phrase is not at all effective in convincing them that you're right.

Instead, parents should do all they can to empower their children to take full responsibility for their choices and their life.

3. “Because I said so!”

This is another phrase that’s unlikely to be persuasive.

Parents need to establish boundaries for their children, but “Because I said so” isn’t enough reason for children to be convinced that staying within those boundaries is a good idea.

4. “I told you so”

It’s tempting for parents to say this when it turns out that their advice that their children had ignored was, in fact, correct.

If you’re a parent, I urge you to refrain from using this phrase. Saying “I told you so” is sure to annoy your children and to cause strain in the relationship.

5. “So clever!”

Here are some instances where parents might exclaim “So clever!”:

A two-year-old keeps his or her toys after playing with them A three-year-old says “Thank you” after receiving a present A 12-year-old decides to learn about Einstein’s theory of relativity

Parents (and all of us, in general) have subconsciously come to associate responsibility, politeness and curiosity with “cleverness”.

When they do this, however, they begin to unintentionally tell their children that intelligence is all-important, when in fact most of us would agree that integrity and morals are even more important.

Parents should emphasize character and values, while not neglecting the worth of hard work and a love for learning.

When parents praise their child, they should be specific, rather than just saying "So clever!"

For example, they could say "That was kind of you to help that lady carry her groceries" or "That was generous of you to share your toys with your friend".

6. “Why can’t you be more like…”

It’s natural for parents to draw comparisons to other children, but doing so can cause psychological damage to their own children.

Parents ought to focus on what makes their children unique, and encourage them to be the best version of themselves that they can be, instead of merely trying to be better than others.

7. “I wish you weren’t my son/daughter”

Some parents say this when they’re feeling especially frustrated or upset with their children.

I’ve spoken to students whose parents had said this to them more than 10 years earlier, but they still harboured immense bitterness and resentment toward their parents for making such a hurtful statement.

8. “You’re such a terrible boy/girl!”

Children have a strange way of becoming the kind of person that their parents, as well as those closest to them, imagine them to be.

When a child misbehaves, parents could say something like this instead: “This is so unlike you. You’re usually such a considerate and responsible boy. You’ll still be punished for misbehaving, but this is really not like you at all to do something so naughty.”

9. “You always…” or “You never…”

When trying to correct their child’s behaviour, it’s much more effective for parents to point out specific instances or examples, rather than tell their child that “You always forget to do your chores” or “You never keep your promises”.

10.“Don’t argue with me”

When parents say this during a disagreement, they cause their child to feel even angrier and less willing to obey or compromise.

Parents should reason with their child and explain their perspective calmly. It’s crucial that parents don’t lose their cool!

In closing…

As a parent, you have the ability to powerfully influence your children’s future and destiny.

What a noble yet daunting responsibility!

To all of you parents reading this article: I know you’re up to the challenge

Thank you jare.. I tire for all these cut and paste. For me, the most important thing is to teach your child about positive values and the reality of what life is all about and not all these lost afrophobic children all over the place who are more oyinbo than oyinbos themselves...

...and I guess using some or all of the listed phrases on your children is the best way of teaching your child about "positive values and the reality of what life is all about" abi??

All that the OP is saying basically is, be careful what you say to and around your children. That point can't be over emphasized.

jammyng: Through my work, I’ve had the privilege of speaking to and working with thousands of students, young adults and parents.

Two things have become painfully obvious to me.

First, it’s extraordinarily difficult to be a world-class parent.

Second, a significant proportion of students and young adults’ frustrations are caused by their parents.

I’m not a parent myself, but I’ve observed what many parents say to their children, which can negatively impact them—sometimes for life.

From a child and a student’s perspective, here are 10 things that parents should never say:

1. “You’re useless” or “You’re a failure”

It’s shocking how many parents say this to their children in a fit of anger.

This is the type of phrase that can scar children deeply, and can make them doubt their worth as a human being.

2. “I know what’s best for you”

As a parent, you might feel like you really do know what’s best for your children, but using this phrase is not at all effective in convincing them that you're right.

Instead, parents should do all they can to empower their children to take full responsibility for their choices and their life.

3. “Because I said so!”

This is another phrase that’s unlikely to be persuasive.

Parents need to establish boundaries for their children, but “Because I said so” isn’t enough reason for children to be convinced that staying within those boundaries is a good idea.

4. “I told you so”

It’s tempting for parents to say this when it turns out that their advice that their children had ignored was, in fact, correct.

If you’re a parent, I urge you to refrain from using this phrase. Saying “I told you so” is sure to annoy your children and to cause strain in the relationship.

5. “So clever!”

Here are some instances where parents might exclaim “So clever!”:

A two-year-old keeps his or her toys after playing with them A three-year-old says “Thank you” after receiving a present A 12-year-old decides to learn about Einstein’s theory of relativity

Parents (and all of us, in general) have subconsciously come to associate responsibility, politeness and curiosity with “cleverness”.

When they do this, however, they begin to unintentionally tell their children that intelligence is all-important, when in fact most of us would agree that integrity and morals are even more important.

Parents should emphasize character and values, while not neglecting the worth of hard work and a love for learning.

When parents praise their child, they should be specific, rather than just saying "So clever!"

For example, they could say "That was kind of you to help that lady carry her groceries" or "That was generous of you to share your toys with your friend".

6. “Why can’t you be more like…”

It’s natural for parents to draw comparisons to other children, but doing so can cause psychological damage to their own children.

Parents ought to focus on what makes their children unique, and encourage them to be the best version of themselves that they can be, instead of merely trying to be better than others.

7. “I wish you weren’t my son/daughter”

Some parents say this when they’re feeling especially frustrated or upset with their children.

I’ve spoken to students whose parents had said this to them more than 10 years earlier, but they still harboured immense bitterness and resentment toward their parents for making such a hurtful statement.

8. “You’re such a terrible boy/girl!”

Children have a strange way of becoming the kind of person that their parents, as well as those closest to them, imagine them to be.

When a child misbehaves, parents could say something like this instead: “This is so unlike you. You’re usually such a considerate and responsible boy. You’ll still be punished for misbehaving, but this is really not like you at all to do something so naughty.”

9. “You always…” or “You never…”

When trying to correct their child’s behaviour, it’s much more effective for parents to point out specific instances or examples, rather than tell their child that “You always forget to do your chores” or “You never keep your promises”.

10.“Don’t argue with me”

When parents say this during a disagreement, they cause their child to feel even angrier and less willing to obey or compromise.

Parents should reason with their child and explain their perspective calmly. It’s crucial that parents don’t lose their cool!

In closing…

As a parent, you have the ability to powerfully influence your children’s future and destiny.

What a noble yet daunting responsibility!

To all of you parents reading this article: I know you’re up to the challenge

As i don mature finish,my mama still dey tell me "my pikin,i know wetin good for you.shebi you know say i carry you for 9months for belle".Can you imagine? I no know say na 9months you carry me before? My mama sef funny sha.All the same na my mama she be.i go love her till death!

There's nothing wrong with parents saying "I know what's best for you" they are right 85% of the time they say this.Comparing other children to you can sometimes be hilarious when the mentioned kids are even worse than you are. U just keep quiet and start laughing suddenly.

IYA NGBALI: My parents said a lot of bad things than all these to me,I no die o,abeg make we here word jo all dis oyinbo theory no dey work for here

4chi:

Thank you jare.. I tire for all these cut and paste. For me, the most important thing is to teach your child about positive values and the reality of what life is all about and not all these lost afrophobic children all over the place who are more oyinbo than oyinbos themselves...

My parents never used any of those words on us, and we all grew up to be responsible adults they are both proud of.

You dont need those words to train a child.Mind u, my siblings and I are born and bred in naija, so it not about oyinbo anything.