Aziz Ansari: If y'all are ready to laugh
your dicks off,
Aziz Ansari: let me hear you
say yeah.
Audience: Yeah.
Aziz Ansari: I said, if y'all are ready
to laugh your dicks off,
Aziz Ansari: let me hear you
say yeah.
Audience: Yeah!
Aziz Ansari: Alright, then it's Randy time.
Let's do this shit.
Female Fans: Randy!
Female Fan: Randy's my favorite
comedian. I love him.
Male Fan: I see every fucking one
of his shows.
Female Fan: He's like the hottest thing
out right now. Absolutely.
Aziz Ansari: You know what must be crazy.
Aziz Ansari: Ba-bam. Ba-bam.
Ba-bam.
Aziz Ansari: Getting your dick sucked
in an igloo.
Aziz Ansari: How you suppose to get it
hard when it's so cold!?
Male Fans: Unbelievable. So good.
Female fans: Randy is awesome.
Aziz Ansari: This guy knows what I'm
talking about. This guy
Aziz Ansari: definitely knows what I'm
talking about.
Female Fans: Randy!
Male Fan: Fuck yeah, Randy!
Go, Randy!
Aziz Ansari: You go in there and there's
somebody fucking your ice cream.
Aziz Ansari: I want to see some tatties.
My name's Randy I want to
Aziz Ansari: thank you so much. Hit me
up on Myspace.com slash
Aziz Ansari: Randy with eight A's.
I'm out.
Aziz Ansari: I've been doing standup about two months. I'm just hitting the ground running.
Aziz Ansari: I was hooking up with this
girl recently, in a fucking
Aziz Ansari: hot tub, and we're sitting
there doing our thing and it's going great.
Aziz Ansari: And then at one point, she's
like, "Randy. Randy. Randy.
Aziz Ansari: Will you go down on me?"
And I was like, yes, I can
Aziz Ansari: definitely do that.
But here's the thing, y'all.
Aziz Ansari: We were in a hot tub, so I
had to do that shit underwater!
Aziz Ansari: So, I hold my breath and I
go down there.
Aziz Ansari: I'm just swimming
around.
Aziz Ansari: Looking for the pussy.
Looking for the pussy.
Aziz Ansari: Looking for the pussy.
Looking for the pussy.
Aziz Ansari: Ba-bam, I find it.
Aziz Ansari: I start doing my thing and
it's going great,
Aziz Ansari: but eventually I'm like,
damn, I can't hold my
Aziz Ansari: breath that much longer.
But, I come up and things are fine.
Aziz Ansari: But, I kind of wish I had
drowned, because that would
Aziz Ansari: have been the most baller
death of all time.
Aziz Ansari: This guy knows what I'm
talking about.
Aziz Ansari: This guy definitely knows
what I'm talking about.
Aziz Ansari: It'd be like, hey, Randy's
parents, there's been a
Aziz Ansari: terrible cunnilingus
accident. Yeah, Randy was
Aziz Ansari: eating pussy underwater.
I know it's awesome, but he's dead.
(audience laughs)
Aziz Ansari: I'd have this awesome
headstone. It'd be like,
Aziz Ansari: here lies Randy. He died
while eating pussy.
Aziz Ansari: And my hand print would be right
there, and you can walk by and
Aziz Ansari: the handprint will pop out,
so you can give me a high five.
Aziz Ansari: Ba-bam. Ba-bam. Ba-bam.
Ba-bam.
Aziz Ansari: You go to a comedy club and
you're like, which is your
Aziz Ansari: favorite comedian. I don't
know. That guy, which one...
Aziz Ansari: Oh, the guy with the DJ.
Oh, I remember him.
Aziz Ansari: He's the only one that had
a fucking DJ.
Brandon Johnson: Yeah!
(music)
Brandon Johnson: Man, it's strange how I met
Randy, man. I was a dental hygienist.
Brandon Johnson: Working on them teeth.
Then he come in, man. Talking
Brandon Johnson: about my teeth hurt, man.
My teeth hurt. Time to get
Brandon Johnson: my teeth cleaned. I told
him, you don't need no root canal.
Brandon Johnson: You need a new DJ, homey.
Me and Randy live by three rules, man.
Brandon Johnson: One: They not ready.
Brandon Johnson: Two: Motherfuckers need
to know.
Brandon Johnson: Three: Get your shit.
Aziz Ansari: Right now, DJ Ol' Youngin
is going to give you guys a
Aziz Ansari: rundown on all the latest
Randy noises.
Brandon Johnson: Yeah, in case you all
didn't hear it the first
Brandon Johnson: time, we got the echo-Randy for you.
(you hear a male's voice echoing "Randy")
Brandon Johnson: That's loud and in your face, you know.
Brandon Johnson: Let's say you find yourself
out in outer space, man. Trying
Brandon Johnson: to hitch a ride on the
space shuttle.
Brandon Johnson: Comfort yourself with this sound.
(you hear a hollowed male's voice saying "Randy")
Brandon Johnson: Where's Randy? I don't know. And let's just
say you're a simple fan.
Brandon Johnson: You're out at the merchandizing
desk you want to buy
Brandon Johnson: a t-shirt from.
(you hear a male's voice say "Randy")
(music)
Aziz Ansari: Do you want to buy
some merch?
Male Fan: Yeah, can I take one of
those photos?
Aziz Ansari: Yes, of course, where
were you sitting?
Male Fan: It was like the fourth
row in.
Aziz Ansari: I'm an innovator. A couple
of months ago, I was riding
Aziz Ansari: The Mummy at Universal
Studios.
Aziz Ansari: After I was done, I bought
a photo of me on the ride,
Aziz Ansari: during the ride. And, I was
like, why can't I offer
Aziz Ansari: that to my fans, who come
to my shows.
Aziz Ansari: There you go, buddy.
Male Fan: Thank you so much man.
Aziz Ansari: Thank you for coming
to the show.
Male Fan: How much is it?
Aziz Ansari: Eighteen bucks.
Male Fan: Okay, cool.
(music)
Aziz Ansari: Whenever I watch porn, I
digitally put my head on
Aziz Ansari: the body of the dude in the
video.
Aziz Ansari: Check this out.
Aziz Ansari: Why would I want to watch
some other guy have sex
Aziz Ansari: with this girl, when I can
watch myself have sex with
Aziz Ansari: this girl? Oh shit, it's
Randy. Dr. Randy will see
Aziz Ansari: you now, miss.
Aziz Ansari: Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh...
Aziz Ansari: Yeah, watch
me take it from behind.
Aziz Ansari: Oh, what up? Oh shit, two
Randys in the mix. Let's go.
Aziz Ansari: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Watch this.
Aziz Ansari: Watch this, Watch this.
Watch this.
Aziz Ansari: You ready for this?
Bam!
Aziz Ansari: What up, Evan Stone? I
always keep him in.
Aziz Ansari: I think he's just kind of a
cool looking dude.
Aziz Ansari: He looks like Hercules.
Aziz Ansari: That one has nothing to do
with my comedy.
Aziz Ansari: It's just a cool
idea I had.
(music)