Big Time Sensuality on Little Women: LA

Fights in a hot tub. A breakdown during a "for fun" dance class. Sensuality. Betrayal. Shade. Genuinely new perspectives. This is your new favorite show.

Down to its franchise-ready title, Lifetime's Little Women: LA has every trope of its successful reality TV show predecessors about tight friends in extremely niche, closed worlds, with the added bonus you don't feel like its characters are super-entitled vacant lots. Ready to meet the little ladies? Of course you are.

MEET TERRA, the Queen Bee

The originator of wildly popular persona "Mini Britney," Terra is the clear HBIC of the semi-actual group of friends our new favorite show will be centering on.

She's savvy as hell to this medium too, a judgement I've made based on how many times she was able to squeeze the phrase "at the end of the day" into her talking heads.

A blonde fond of side shave asymmetrical styling, jazzy leggings and edgy statement jewelry, Terra is a professional impersonator with a little person rock star boyfriend fond of close-clinging black tees. She justifiably called bullshit on Christy (more on her later) and also Elena's green card marriage, but at the end of the day she was the only one with enough hutzpah to talk an embarrassed Traci back into dance class by explaining tooting your booty is "nothing vulgar, it's just sensual."

ELENA, Sexy Trouble

Elena is from Russia, which is why everything she says is subtitled. She's also married to an average-height fellow and clearly fulfills the role of the "hot one" that all the others sort of hate. The fact she's a career Britney Spears impersonator and has icy platinum hair clearly rankles with Terra, and her casual acceptance of her employers referring to her as a "midget" as long as the check clears infuriated a whole hot tub of ladies she was trying to befriend at Briana's "I Just Got Divorced Party."

CHRISTY, the BITCH

In my world there are no bitches, but I'm here to report the news not make my own dreams come true and in every group of reality show friends someone has to be edited as the conflict-sowing bitch, and Christy is the Bitch. Although IRL she's probably perfectly lovely but rules are rules, there must be a Bitch.

She's dating Briana's ex, Todd and apparently broke up Briana and Todd's fledgling relationship, and she pressured Todd HARD to buy her an engagement ring the day before Briana's Divorce Party so she could announce her engagement the same night Briana was celebrating one of the more painful milestones of her life. Cool move, Christy! Todd point-blank refused.

TONYA, Proud Mom

Well, she calls herself "Lil' Boss" but that role has been co-opted by Terra as of this reporting. Tonya is being edited more into the role of the sensible mom inasmuch as her daughter is the kid appearing the most on the show so far, showing up in Tonya's intro segment and also making her way to Briana's divorce party, and TRUST good mom is always a great look. Tonya is also responsible for two of the best soundbites so far: "She's old enough to party but she'll always be my baby" about her daughter and "Why are you allowing yourself to come out of something's ass?" in answer to Elena describing a gig as the hatefully named "Midget Bar" in Vegas.

TRACI, The Comically Conservative One

Lives with a fiancee she's never had sex with because that goes against her religious beliefs. Not comfortable booty tooting either in dance class, or with the penis cake Christy brought to Briana's divorce party. YOOOO okay, she's a fussbudget, but tell me more! People who go through life with the top button buttoned can be surprisingly deep. DIG Lifetime DIG.

...AND BRIANA, Our Hero

Briana is a mom going through a divorce, and on top of that she's radiantly cavalier about the world's Little Person marginalizing bullshit. "Get a stool and get over it" she says, quoting her parents. Briana's trials begin this episode with a fairly nice blind date set up by Elena. She meets a Blind Date Dude who shows up to her Divorce Party and then precedes to hit on Tonya's daughter. Agonizing, right?

Also when Christy showed up with Todd in tow she made things totally weird by asking Briana if it was okay she brought Todd, when we know that Christy specifically brought Todd specifically to make Briana feel weird.

Then later Todd gets a little too drunk and tells Briana how good it was to see her, and that Christy loves him and what he feels for Christy is you know, is what it is, and then gives Briana two long lingering hugs. And even though she's been brutally rejected at her own Divorce Party by Blind Date Guy, Briana still doesn't take Todd's bait. She's like, goodbye and good riddance Todd, my shiny future is just beginning. And that right there is why Briana is the best (so far.)