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Thursday, February 04, 2010

WHY I LOVE FILTH: REASON #235

WARNING: if frank descriptions of highly questionable pornography offend you, what the fuck are you doing reading this blog? Uh, I mean, if such material offends you in any way, stop reading now and go watch ACCORDING TO JIM.

One of the truly fun and amazing things about really nasty pornography is that in its world anything can happen, whether you want it to or not. There's plenty of filth out there that I have a hard time believing is designed to actually get people off, but having read von Krafft-Ebing's seminal work on sex-related twistedness, PSYCHOPATHIA SEXUALIS, I guess even something as innocuous as a soap dish can make somebody tingle in the southern regions. Since the availability of VHS, DVD, the Internet and other such avenues for ruination, I have diligently checked out vast amounts of ghastly material that reduces human sexuality to its most base extremes and found myself not turned on, but instead fascinated by just how utterly imaginatively gross it can get. German schiesse videos, cute Japanese puke-eaters in Sailor Moon cosplay drag, an amputee woman who stump-fucks herself with the nub where her right leg used to be, nude danish farmgirls who dump garbage bags full of horse semen over their heads, fat old men in domino masks who shave each other's liver-spotted asses, "performance artists" who nail their genitalia to furniture; you name it, I've seen damned near everything this side of actual rape, snuff and kiddie porn — none of which I have any desire to see, just so we're clear on that — but thanks to the excellent CINEMA SEWER magazine I have heard of an item that I must witness for myself, hopefully with my stalwart ally in filth exploration, Greaseball Johnny, at my side. That film is a little gay porn mind-bender entitled ANAL BIRTH OF BERT and I intend to download and watch it as soon as possible, all so I can give you, my avid readers, the unflinching lowdown on what is sure to be a milestone in the annals ("anals?") of human achievement.

From all the info I have thus far on the film, ANAL BIRTH OF BERT contains the requisite amount of fisting and such, but gets its name from the conceptually-stunning event of a man pooping out a doll of the beloved Bert from the perennial children's TV favorite SESAME STREET. I am a first generation SESAME STREET fan and never in a million-gajillion years would I have imagined that I might someday see a greasy, soiled Bert extruded from a random dude's asshole. It's simply incredible and I must see it. NOW. I mean, think about it: how big is the puppet and, most importantly, did Jim Henson see the film? I don't have answers to those questions, but if anyone out there has seen this shining example of brilliance, please write in and tell me everything!