If you’ve ever played a Kirby video game (or Super Smash Brothers), then you know exactly how this pink puffball works. Inhale an enemy, swallow it whole, gain its powers, and then regurgitate to get a new power. It’s a useful talent that makes Kirby quite versatile. And this got me thinking: “what if we could eat like that?” What if the phrase ‘you are what you eat’ could be literal?

Well if that were true, then here are some things I would eat and how I would totally abuse the powers they gave me.

Thing #1: Ice CubesCryokinesis is one of my favorite superpowers. The ability to wield ice, to create with your mind and do whatever you want with it, is just awesome. Think of all the options. You can ice skate anytime (and everyone knows that you’re automatically good at ice skating if you can control ice). You’re never too hot because you can provide your own air conditioning. Did your drink become room temperature? Just cool it off yourself. Plus, ice cubes aren’t even all that unpleasant to eat. You get lots of advantages for no disadvantage.

Thing #2: ScissorsDon’t try this at home, kids. But if we had Kirby powers, eating scissors would make use just like Edward Scissorhands. Slicing and dicing would no longer be a problem, you’d always be able to cut papers if needed, and if someone robs your house, you’re protected. Plus if you ate the scissors after you ate the ice cubes, you could make awesome ice sculptures and little girls would tell stories about how you’re where snow comes from (spoilers?).

Thing #3: FeathersEveryone dreams of being able to fly, right? Well with Kirby’s powers, all you have to do is eat a feather and BAM, instant flight. No more being late to work, no more feeling inferior compared to birds or airplanes, and you can impress the ladies (or gentlemen) by flying them places. Seeing the land from the sky is ordinarily pretty rare, so take advantage of the ability to do it more often and check out how everything looks from a new perspective.

Thing #4: Wet WipesAs unpleasant as this would be to eat, it would be so useful to be able to clean everything with a wet wipe superpower. As a father, I would love this. Kid spits up everywhere? You clumsily spill soda on the couch? Your hands get greasy and disgusting at work? None of these things are problems when your own body is one giant wet wipe.

So those are things I would eat to get superpowers. And for most of them, I would ONLY eat them to get superpowers. If you could transform like Kirby, what would you eat? Let everyone know in the comments so we can all enjoy some new abilities.

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Published by Robert Ian Shepard

Robert Ian Shepard is a husband, father, and aspiring writer. If you need a good laugh, check out his blog Adventure Rules, the Essential Companion of Heroic Adventurers!
View all posts by Robert Ian Shepard