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I’m having an incredibly difficult time and I could really use some advice right now. Forgive the length of this post, but you need some background information.

I’ve been married to my primary now for nearly 8 years. We both grew up in a fundamentalist Christian environment. We met at a Bible Camp in High School. We married at 20 and were both virgins until our wedding night. As a result of our oppressive past, we have been mutually emotionally abusive and codependent; the vast majority of our marriage has been one of incredible hardships. There were periods of happiness and many of our challenges we faced together, allowing us to both become secular humanists and atheists. We work together and try to build each other up, spending countless hours and a significant amount of money on quality counseling. As a result, we are by and large emotionally healthy people.

Even so, there has remained a constant struggle with our sex life—or lack thereof. From day one, our sex wasn’t anything like the make-out sessions or conversations we had prior to our wedding night. Her interaction felt forced and cold and I felt the gap became progressively wider as time went on, to the point that we had not kissed in years. I wanted more passion and desire from her, but that only pushed us away further. It was not but a year and a half ago that she discovered asexuality, and immediately identified herself as one. I was very comfortable with this, because it made very much sense to me and what I read seemed to fit with her perfectly. Our marriage was certainly not sexless, but it was routine and comfortable. I was satisfied. She was satisfied. We could even say that she "loved orgasms but not sex". We were happy.

Fast forward a a little over a year and she says she’s interested in polyamory. We read about it and feel healthy and comfortable enough for both of us to agree to give it a shot. We are open minded people. She meets a nice guy, and they hit it off immediately. I was excited for her. I wanted her to find somebody and be happy. One night, they were gone a while. She came to bed, clearly happy. I was excited. I asked if they did anything. She said they did. That they had made out… for 3 hours. We hadn’t made out in years. She didn’t like kissing.

I was absolutely crushed, and each day since then (nearly 2 months) has been absolute hell. Her supposed asexuality has gone completely out the door. She sees him twice a week, and each time will have sex with him 4 – 7 times (I didn’t even think that was physically possible. He also wears magnums. Talk about feeling outclassed). She’s in love with him. She texts him constantly. She has told me she doesn’t have that kind of attraction to me, and that she has a sexual chemistry with him that is very powerful.

Our schedules have been very busy, and I have become bitter and have had many hateful outbursts due to my inability to cope. Our sex life has dropped dramatically, with the last time being incredibly awkward.

I don’t know what to do. I feel like she shows that she loves me as much as is her capacity. She’s a good person. She can’t show more than what she feels. I’m just having a hard time accepting it. We’ve been through so much together. We have children together. How do I cope with these feelings?