Saturday Nights are Depressing - Caught in Contemplation

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Saturday Nights are Depressing

that sentence will make everyone want to not read this entry. Well perhaps not everyone, but most people. Which is really too bad because now is a moment when I am feeling like I need someone to read this entry and make me feel better.

I have friends and yet I am so lonely. I am feeling some sort of massive void and disconnect and I don't know quite what or where it is, or how to fix it. And then I try to be happy for the sake of my friends because if I say I'm depressed, then they will want to know why or not want to hear about it, and I am not prepared to answer to either situation. I am depressed because of this void. And I sort of know what and who would fill it, but to discuss that would be to speak something that I'm afraid to say or listen to, even to myself.

I need myself to be strong and not be interested in boys, and I'm not like that. I am reminded of him for whatever reason by too many things. And there's no possibility that he'd be interested... even in talking to me. I keep wishing I'd not emailed him... because it would leave me with hope. But then I couldn't stand to sit and do nothing because I'm just not passive like that. And there's really only one person I can talk to completely about all of this because otherwise I would have to explain way too much and I don't feel like explaining, I feel like... just complaining, I guess. But of course, I am willing myself to not mention it because email, in this case won't do -- the lag time is too much for me to deal with right now, and I have promised not to bother her on unixtalk. Which, I know is ultimately for the best... since we inevitably end up talking much longer than we mean to, but still. It hurts to be told that. And it hurts to agree to something that you don't agree to even though you know the intent and reasoning.

I am so disconnected right now. Stress. Stress I shall blame it on. Except that I know it's not about stress, which makes it all the more frustrating. I am just in a sad state of mind. Life was much easier when I was bitter about like and all of that and refused to let anyone in or hope or any such thing, saying "oh well sometime years from now the right thing will happen so I don't need to worry about it." Because when I said that, then somehow the pain of the present evaporated because I didn't care. And now, I have the misfortune that I DO care and I DO want something to happen and then I look at the impossibility and I seem to myself quite pathetic.

I feel like I keep hurting the people closest to me and that is bothering me right now.