McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON

The Moon: Myths and Facts

As the moon follows its elliptical orbit around our home planet, the angle between the earth, the moon, and the sun changes, causing different parts of the moon’s surface to be illuminated. This phenomenon is known as the phases of the moon. Sometimes the entire face of the moon is visible. This has come to be called a full moon. Sometimes we can only see parts of the moon’s face (traditionally, these are called crescent moons) and sometimes the surface of the moon is not visible at all. Whenever that happens, we call it a new moon. Even though we can’t see it. Isn’t that dumb? Stupid people were more influential in the past.

The Greeks called the moon Artemis, goddess of the hunt, the Romans knew her as Diana, but many other cultures deified the moon as well. In early Merino mythology, for instance, the moon was known as Louise, goddess of knitwear.

Since ancient times, it has been observed that the moon has a powerful influence on the behavior of people and animals. Ask any obstetrician — more babies are born under the light of a full moon than at any other time. Psychiatrists, law enforcement officials, emergency medical technicians, and accountants have remarked on how the full moon affects their work, some even going so far as to write books on the subject. The word “lunatic” comes from the word “lunar” which comes from a Latin word which means “something to do with the moon.” Mark your calendar the next time you witness some strange behavior, or the next time you behave oddly yourself. You will soon find that all crazy behavior coincides with the full moon, or if not the full moon, then some other phase of the moon.

In some countries, it is unlucky to point at the moon, or to look at the moon through a pane of glass. In these places, it is best to behave as if the moon is not there at all and, if anyone should mention the moon by name, to pretend that you have no idea what they’re talking about.

When a person pulls down his pants and turns his bare buttocks toward your face, this gesture is also known as a “full moon.” This has very little to do with the actual moon, other than the obvious visual similarity. I just thought you might like to know.

People who read a lot may be at risk for eye problems. People who spend too much time reading are also unlikely to develop proper social skills.

My optometrist says my eye problems are genetic. Furthermore, if you read a lot and learn as much as you can, it’s very likely you’ll get a good job. A lot of people won’t tell you this, but money is much more important than friendship anyway. People use money to pay for the things they want — for instance I use it to pay for my contact lenses. I’ve filled out a hell of a lot since high school, too, and the guys who were football players back then are all fat. Fat like the big fat full moon. And bald, too.