tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post6886028093013863977..comments2019-05-12T02:56:27.882-04:00Comments on The Irreverent Psychologist: Dear Young Therapist: Don't Be Afraid to LoveUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger44125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-31030700271280139042015-04-16T18:56:13.202-04:002015-04-16T18:56:13.202-04:00Can&#39;t stop crying.. article touched something ...Can&#39;t stop crying.. article touched something deeply.. thank you for this..Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-24820348923646041302015-01-11T14:48:46.204-05:002015-01-11T14:48:46.204-05:00I&#39;m glad you found it at precisely the moment ...I&#39;m glad you found it at precisely the moment you needed it.Jason Mihalkohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00437830556630350204noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-5949735848977855752014-12-22T23:33:28.492-05:002014-12-22T23:33:28.492-05:00Thank you, I saw this on a night when I was feelin...Thank you, I saw this on a night when I was feeling total despair as a client.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-33068017899944329702014-09-07T07:45:40.546-04:002014-09-07T07:45:40.546-04:00Thank you for writing this article.
I know my th...Thank you for writing this article. <br /><br />I know my therapist loves me and that knowledge alone has been the most therapeutic part of my treatment. And I&#39;m not talking about sexual or romantic love. As a teenager who has been rejected, mistreated or &#39;loved&#39; conditionally by just about everyone in my life, including my family, I can assure you that there is nothing more helpful anyone can do than to just love me for who I am.<br /><br />Personally, I find it more confusing when a therapist is kind and sympathetic while simultaneously being somewhat cold and emotionally detached, than when they just like me, plain and simple. Sometimes I can practically see them trying to distance themselves from the situation I am trying to describe to them and I sometimes take it as invalidation, even though logically I know they&#39;re just trying to protect themselves. My therapist, on the other hand, just listens and I&#39;ve even seen the occasional tear.<br /><br />Keep writing posts like this :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-13678513668496975552014-05-01T08:05:56.265-04:002014-05-01T08:05:56.265-04:00I am a young therapist about to graduate with an M...I am a young therapist about to graduate with an MSW. This article was incredibly validating. In the end, our &quot;toolkit&quot; may get bigger and bigger, but our instincts and our capacity to love are what ultimately guide our work. Thank you for writing this. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-28584300506433245382014-03-30T10:02:25.367-04:002014-03-30T10:02:25.367-04:00Thanks so much!Thanks so much!Jason Mihalkohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00437830556630350204noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-81618889481910141512014-03-21T22:10:29.587-04:002014-03-21T22:10:29.587-04:00Beautifully written, and incredibly true. Thank y...Beautifully written, and incredibly true. Thank you for writing and posting your encouragement to Love as an essential part of therapy. I struggle, with letting myself love the ones I treat, out of years of being trained that it was verboten and taboo. Luckily, my own therapist and supervisors share your view - I find your piece a very reassuring read. I&#39;ve linked to it through my Facebook, LinkedIn, &amp; reddit. Thank you! :)Cambridge Psychiatristnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-16666913357864703822013-11-19T04:41:50.235-05:002013-11-19T04:41:50.235-05:00I am struggling to understand how &quot;a lot of w...I am struggling to understand how &quot;a lot of what&#39;s been said on here is not about caring for clients&quot;. Was I wrong in thinking that this was in fact the whole point of the piece?<br /><br />FWIW, In my experience, the word &quot;sentimental&quot; is used to describe feelings (usually in other people) that we find less than acceptable, or embarassing. <br /><br />&quot;After all research on psychotherapy is accounted for, psychotherapy still resolves itself into a relationship best subsumed by the word &#39;love&#39;. &quot; Burton (1967)ian argenthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07362464489981591316noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-15788374937516071642013-11-18T17:16:25.334-05:002013-11-18T17:16:25.334-05:00One of the most difficult things, I find, is when ...One of the most difficult things, I find, is when therapists become so embedded within one theoretical orientation that they are unable to conceive that there are other possibilities of how our work can be conceptualized and executed. There are nearly as many kinds of therapies as their are therapists. Some place the emphasis on withholding gratification of the needs of patients, others focus on technological interventions, and still others focus on the nature and contour of the relationship that develops within the room.<br /><br />From a relational model, it is neither useful or helpful to avoid any of my emotional experiences. They all represent information to be used in the moment, set aside for later, or bracketed off to inform my own personal work. Just because talking about caring feelings is difficult, or fraught with potential for misunderstandings, does not mean it should be avoided. <br /><br />You mention that a therapist has to &quot;be careful&quot; with a patient&#39;s feelings and &quot;take care&quot; of them. I find it rather imperious and infantalizing to give myself the power (and think I had it to begin with) to decide what is right for my patients outside of issues of safety and abuse. It also is incongruent with my theoretical orientation. I regularly talk with patients about burn out, boredom, warm feelings, annoyance, and whatever else becomes a relevant topic of therapeutic work.<br /><br />My DBT training encouraged me--and demanded of me--to become emotionally aware enough to be able to discuss my own emotional experiences in appropriate therapeutic ways when the work calls for it. My training at the Stone Center also encouraged and demanded that I learn about what brings me (and patients) into and out of a relational connection. My Gestalt training encouraged me to be aware of the relational space I enter into with patients, and my analytic training taught me the importance of the intersubjective space and how the emotional experience happens within that place.<br /><br />It&#39;s not easy work, but it&#39;s important. I dare not think patients can do the work of knowing their own feelings if am cannot be present enough to know what mine are and share them when therapeutically appropriateJason Mihalkohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00437830556630350204noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-62630198704822272012013-11-18T12:48:37.619-05:002013-11-18T12:48:37.619-05:00I would say that I feel love for my client, as a t...I would say that I feel love for my client, as a therapist for 20 years. It is far too dangerous to tell them this, obviously, because, as has been said by others here, the word is far too open to interpretation of so many kinds. It&#39;s very common for clients to be &#39;in love&#39; with their therapist, and for the therapist to say he or she loves them could result in confusion, pain, therapeutic disaster. I remember early in my career telling a client that I liked her (I&#39;m male), when she&#39;d asked, and she became very confused and left therapy with no resolution. I&#39;ve never done anything similar since. You have to be careful with your client&#39;s feelings, you have to take care of their feelings. A lot of what has been said on here is sentimental, and about the therapist feeling good, not about caring for their clients. <br />Also it is patronising to say you are &#39;proud&#39; of your clients. It sounds as if you think you are responsible for their doing something good, as if you&#39;ve brought it about through your actions, not that they&#39;ve done it themselves. You are not the client&#39;s parent!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-55279581896520515182013-11-01T20:35:32.787-04:002013-11-01T20:35:32.787-04:00Hi Gianna,
I&#39;m glad my post has inspired you!...Hi Gianna,<br /><br />I&#39;m glad my post has inspired you! I hope you make part of it your own and bring it into the world your own way. <br /><br />I&#39;m fairly sure all our different counseling professions like to be exclusive with supervision for licensure and social workers have to be supervised by social workers, counselors by counselors, and psychologists by psychologists. I do occasionally have a supervisee or two. That&#39;s one of my favorite things to do. Jason Mihalkohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00437830556630350204noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-13262985877674600332013-10-31T14:52:21.047-04:002013-10-31T14:52:21.047-04:00This is my second time reading this (any bringing ...This is my second time reading this (any bringing it up in one of my MSW classes) and I just continue to be so inspired by the message presented here...seriously, when I graduate, can I come do my supervision for my LCSW with you...?? <br /><br />Keep up the great work and thank you for your love and honesty,<br />GiannaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-19615842907402467012013-10-11T16:59:21.148-04:002013-10-11T16:59:21.148-04:00Thanks so much for your thoughtful response, Kimbe...Thanks so much for your thoughtful response, Kimberly. I&#39;m glad you found a therapist that helped you find some of these wonderful gifts. I think a bit about your questions and respond later this weekend. Jason Mihalkohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00437830556630350204noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-5255923492706068152013-10-11T15:34:48.033-04:002013-10-11T15:34:48.033-04:00I love this article because I have often wondered ...I love this article because I have often wondered why this one word never really appears in the overabundance of psychotherapy books on the market. I also speak from the other side of the room, now entering my transition/termination period after 4 1/2 years of therapy. I am a survivor of childhood trauma. I will admit reading a ton of therapy books about psychotherapy, the therapeutic relationship, warm feelings, and transference as well as books about trauma and abuse. I read them for the most part because I was so afraid of the feelings I started to feel after being numb for so long. I guess you could say I was in a panic, fearing all the feelings that were coming to the surface, including one that at first I didn&#39;t &quot;get&quot; at all. The books were helpful in that they provided some background information and insight. But I can tell you that when I have been in the room with my therapist I have so palpably felt powerful feelings of love that seemed to just fill the room, seep underneath my walls, reach out to me in my isolation, and eventually begin to melt the walls I had built. The love I have felt from and towards my therapist has been that real to me. It is not sexual, nor romantic, but more like a platonic kind of love and caring. What I have personally experienced is that this kind of love is very healing and can reach places which have been unreachable. As the previous poster so eloquently stated, &quot;I felt it in a way I never have in my life. And that is what was able to reach the deepest, most enduring wounds I carried, and enabled me to begin healing that part of me that other therapists could not.&quot;<br /><br /><br />My therapist also has firm boundaries, but at the same time he is flexible because he wants to make sure his interventions are healing and life affirming. He doesn&#39;t talk about love much at all. But he makes himself available for check-in calls when I need them. He also gives safe hugs. I have seen tears in his eyes when I have shared some things about my past. He listens so well. <br />He normalizes my feelings and things I did to survive. He holds my feelings. He is patient and very kind. When I sit in therapy with him love fills the room, seeps into my life and my heart, and seems to merge with my therapy and add depth to my healing in such a way that seems transformational. I will admit that there are times when I still don&#39;t understand everything that happens in therapy. The intense feelings that come up continue to baffle me because of their intensity, and because they are from a long time ago. They feel very real. The pain, grief, and sadness feel very real. These are feelings that are coming up for me as we transition/terminate the therapy, along with feelings of love towards my therapist because of his help, our connection, and how he has been with me in therapy, albeit his kindness, patience, honesty, and treating me with respect and like I am someone who is worthy of his care. <br /><br />Thanks again for this article, and even more for having the courage to speak about love in psychotherapy for all the right reasons. If you have any insights on how to integrate this love into termination and beyond, I would love to read what you have to share. With respect to trauma, forming an attachment, feeling safe to tell, and then growing so close to a therapist, it just seems when termination comes around it can feel incredibly painful and scary. At least that&#39;s how it feels for me. But I also feel a great deal of love and gratitude for my therapist. It is just hard to think about not having contact with him after all of the work we have done.Kimberly Aprilnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-65343388606130824852013-08-04T15:51:21.857-04:002013-08-04T15:51:21.857-04:00A view from the other side of the room: on my fir...A view from the other side of the room: on my first visit with my therapist, deeply suicidal and devoid of hope, at the end of the session she said to me, &quot;My heart has opened to you, and I would really like to work with you.&quot; I interpreted it at the time as just a touchy-feely granola phrase, a flowery way to say, &quot;You don&#39;t bug me too much, so you can come back.&quot; :) With time, as she helped me find my way out of the dark, I learned she wasn&#39;t kidding: she filled our room with deep, abiding, unwavering, unconditional love. She didn&#39;t talk about it, didn&#39;t say it--her boundaries were rock solid--but I felt it in a way I never have in my life. And that is what was able to reach the deepest, most enduring wounds I carried, and enabled me to begin healing that part of me that other therapists could not.<br /><br />Young therapists: whenever you can, whenever you feel it, let those feelings of love suffuse your body. You don&#39;t have to say it--and it&#39;s probably best, in most circumstances, that you don&#39;t, because words can be misinterpreted--but if it is authentic and embraced by you, your client will feel it. And, bathed in that medium, the human organism can heal and grow and become gorgeously whole.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-36232090708505465052013-07-30T22:12:28.769-04:002013-07-30T22:12:28.769-04:00If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, ...If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.<br /><br />4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.<br /><br />8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.<br /><br />13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is loveAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-16569147917443125572013-07-29T21:19:31.968-04:002013-07-29T21:19:31.968-04:00As a patient who is losing her therapist after 7 y...As a patient who is losing her therapist after 7 years, as he is moving out of NYS, I would have and still would appreciate hearing that he is proud of me, that he will miss me and that he loved me with all my flaws. His boundaries are so strong, that my special hope is he will at least hug me when we have our last appointment in October. I truly believe if a therapist humanized his or herself, the transference issues would lessen. One flaw would have taken him off the pedestal he&#39;s been on all these years in my mind - it would have made us more equal. It would be really nice to just know my therapist cared about me as a person and whether I got better rather than sticking to the therapeutic boundary-driven approach to therapy. I agree totally with your Post - and also with the Letters to a Young Therapist by Mary Piper - again she expressed she loved her patients also. Thank you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-48492307672003250892013-07-28T08:31:15.973-04:002013-07-28T08:31:15.973-04:00Thank you. Loved this text.. I&#39;ll never forget...Thank you. Loved this text.. I&#39;ll never forget the words of my therapy mentor: &quot;Hannah, if you love you can never do nothing wrong with a patient.&quot; And i have loved..which have made the work much more than work or therapy. hannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05396417439596598148noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-1375868185085691472013-07-21T12:30:25.902-04:002013-07-21T12:30:25.902-04:00As someone who is still in the early years of my p...As someone who is still in the early years of my practice, I have found that &quot;love&quot; was sometimes the main thing that was missing in the vocabulary of the teens I was working with. They needed to know that they could act up as much as they needed to but I could still find something to love about them. I could not help but fall in &quot;love&quot; anyway again and again with these beautiful young people and what I could see within them. I feel I know my boundaries and am confident that I have been trained and are competent with the needed skills and these guard that I don&#39;t offer them something more than a truthful affirmation of them as a human being. Sometimes their emotional life had been so impaired that they have never seen their selves truly reflected in the eyes of a someone who accepts them and yes - someone who loves them.Yasminhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03513442933691948296noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-82308524165309189662013-07-21T06:50:46.633-04:002013-07-21T06:50:46.633-04:00This is all great stuff and a reminder that even l...This is all great stuff and a reminder that even love can be dangerous, it should definitely be thought about but when it comes to patient and therapist relationship, patients learn to love and trust their therapist in order to open up themselves and therapist in return should appreciate the faith that these patients have in them in order to truly help them.<br /><br />- <a href="http://www.kathierayannis.com/" rel="nofollow">KathieRayAnnis.com</a> <br />angel gonzaleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03114877631899590368noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-13607867566979427112013-07-19T10:42:00.180-04:002013-07-19T10:42:00.180-04:00Great paradox recommendation: Love is something t...Great paradox recommendation: Love is something that should be concealed and unspoken. Love is too dangerous. It is too confusing! <br />Thanks a lot! Polinahttps://www.facebook.com/polina.rudychnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-30004081679975724702013-07-19T09:48:05.217-04:002013-07-19T09:48:05.217-04:00Dear Jason, thanks a lot for bringing up this topi...Dear Jason, thanks a lot for bringing up this topic. Reading it was like speaking out what was in my mind. I think it is very important to have the background knowledge, the skills to translate this into hands on interventions, the curiosity towards life, the creativity and open- mindedness in your approach; but at the end you won&#39;t go very far with all of this if love was not what drives your engine: love for the individual, empathy for his/ her circumstances, absolut and unconditional acceptance and deeply felt respect. I think clients that went through an Odyssey of different therapist just feel the difference. It opens their heart. Their often hurt souls. It allows trust which is often so hard to get when they had went through a lot of hardships. It&#39;s that what makes the true difference: true and serious love openly and unconditionally given to them!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-65011012480848561312013-07-19T09:47:44.961-04:002013-07-19T09:47:44.961-04:00Thanks for saying out loud what so many of us have...Thanks for saying out loud what so many of us have been thinking: that we can and do love our clients.<br /><br />I was fortunate to have had parents who expressed and showed love for me when I was a child. I have been able to pass that on to my own children. I am saddened when I think of so many clients who have never had this kind of love, let alone unconditional positive regard. When they start coming to see me and they realize they can say what&#39;s truly on their heart, without being chastised or otherwise punished, it can truly be transformative. They are experiencing the healing power of love.<br /><br />And, as you mention, I also tell my clients that I am proud of them. When a client who was having deep anxiety about driving following an accident 18 months ago recently drove herself to my office, I was truly proud of her and enthusiastically told her so. The beaming look on her face was all I needed to confirm that my response was on target.<br /><br />I don&#39;t tell my clients that I love them. I don&#39;t want them to become confused or become focused on that. I don&#39;t want to undermine the therapeutic relationship. Yet the love is there.<br /><br />I am not a new or young therapist. But this message was still important for me to hear. It affirms that my way of doing therapy is good, even though it was not taught in grad school. As time goes on, I become less diagnostic (take that, DSM-5!), and less confined to particular theories or techniques. Rather, I have all those things in my toolbox, and I use whatever tool works for the job, along with my love and passion for my work and for people. It is more instinctual, more intuitive, and more respectful and loving toward the whole person.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-45094006802377841472013-07-19T09:47:07.681-04:002013-07-19T09:47:07.681-04:00Great stuff man. I think too often we are driven b...Great stuff man. I think too often we are driven by fear. Afraid that if I as the therapist open my heart, I will be unable to stop, or that it will become about my needs. Your post speaks so well to this dilemma. Nice work!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8975835436255022813.post-34013862706911654582013-07-19T09:46:46.725-04:002013-07-19T09:46:46.725-04:00So many of our clients share the same primal wound...So many of our clients share the same primal wounding, wrought from poor and lack luster parenting. Our addicted society sees to the rest. What better underscore than love emanating from a skilled counselor, who can help walk the client through redressing that wounding? Without Love, counseling becomes just another barren wasteland of unfulfilled promises and hopes.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com