Take one stake. A clove of garlic. And this book. Then get ready for a vampire-hunting adventure like no other...

Holding
out for that handsome young vampire to whisk you off to some far away
exotic graveyard in the dead of night? Or perhaps you live in dread of
the undead. Whatever your persuasion, this is the book to cater for all
your vampire needs.

This book will teach you everything you need
to know, from vampire anatomy and physiology, to the early signs of
vampirism and vampire slaying techniques. From dispatching shimmering,
vegetarian vampires to a permanent hole in the ground (where that
particularly foul variety of vampires truly deserves to be) to using a
potpourri of herbs and spices to protect your home, this book has it all
and more. Written by a professional vampire hunter with eons of active
vampire-slaying experience, and winner of countless prestigious
international monster-maiming awards, you can be sure you will learn to
defend yourself and your loved ones from ending up as vampire drink
dispensers.

Parents and teachers owe it to the children under
their care to read this book and prepare for the inevitable and always
fatal attraction their wards will experience in the current climate of
vampire-mania. Stop them from eloping with Edward or sending a
Valentine's card to Vampirella before it's too late! Learn how to
identify possible signs of vampire tendencies or infatuations in your
teenagers, and know when to interfere accordingly.

Self Defense Against Vampires: The Official Vampire Slayer's Guide by J.A. Kahn

This could be, without a doubt, one of my most important reviews ever.

There are many "How To...For Dummies" books out there, but NEVER have I found one more compelling, more entertaining and filled to over-flowing with the straight facts from an expert.

Vampires, they are not those hot and sparkly creatures we have come to know and love. They are NOT descendants of Dracula. Yes, they were once human. No, it does not require the bite of a vampire to turn. All it takes is a twisted soul, the ability to deceive and over-self-confidence in fooling most of the people most of the time. They love power, they can be smooth talkers and they prey on John Q. Public, even before they have completely turned.

Garlic? You will repel more humans than vampires with garlic breath. Have a fantasy involving falling in love with a vampire? Passionate kisses shared? Perhaps you need to understand their excretory system before puckering up, because trust me, that kiss will not only be disgusting, but it will be your last.

J.A. Kahn has done the world a great service as a professional, award winning vampire slayer by writing this informative tome. SELF DEFENSE AGAINST VAMPIRES: THE OFFICIAL VAMPIRE SLAYER'S GUIDE from start to finish is filled with, um...fascinating information presented in a gloriously hilarious way. DO NOT miss the author's rambling before the books starts. Do NOT miss the author's bio. I, for one, can honestly say, after reading this, I feel better just knowing that I am better able to identify true vampires and can probably escape only a quart or two low.

Seriously, I had tears in my eyes laughing throughout page after page of clever, tongue-in-cheek reading! True, this may never become one of the classic greats, but mores the pity, because J.A. Kahn has a sense of humor topped by none!

I would like to thank J.A. Kahn for providing me with possibly life-saving reading.