So there was this guy who drinks a lot. Probably waaaay too much. His wife has had enough of his coming home late and drunk, so she tells him that if he ever comes home drunk again she will leave him.

One day the man goes at the pub and he drinks so much that he throws up all over himself. He tells his friend, " If I go home like this, my wife will leave me."

His friend says, "Tell you what. Go home, but tell her that somebody threw up on you. Take this $20, stick in in your pocket, and tell her that's what he gave you for the dry cleaning bill."

So the man goes home. When his wife sees him she starts to become incensed, but he's able to wave her down. "It's not what it looks like! A man threw up on me!" Pulling the money out of his pocket to show her, he continues, "He even gave me $20 for the cleaning bill."

She looks at him intently and asks, "So why are you holding two $20 bills in your hand?"

So he says, "The other $20 is from the guy who shat in my pants."

_________________________I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you.

For two years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he gave her a large sum of money to return to Italy to have the child in secret. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he told her he'd also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. He told her to simply mail him a postcard and write "Spaghetti" on the back, to keep it discrete. On receipt of this card, he would arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey!" she said. "You got a very strange postcard in the mail today."

"Oh? Let's see it." he said.

The wife handed it over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.