April 17, 2016

I dont have a mother.

How do you empathise with people who demand love or friendship or support or money after they have tortured you? You can't and they show signs and say how they get a bigger kick out of torturing someone who who doesn't want to torture back, kids who feel for others the most, adults with an inbuilt revulsion in response the loss of human potential.

The rich black abusers in the states, Mr Harris are on our mind a lot. Taylor to but not so much from the beginning and we both little kids we said she didn't have the IQ to survive or to really get at us after and the hold her partner had on us is because shared time in the Scottish rings and the DJ scene so he had a lot more training in ways to get at us. We faired better when we stopped being scared of what he knew about what had been done to us and who we were and all the horrible people he associates with. He brought up our "real mum" in what looked like a desperate attempt to push us back under think he said what we have been saying in the last couple of days that she is black and rich of trafficking but we were past any triggers like that working. All we cared about the present and horrible death it was going to lead to if we didn't fight it with everything we had.

Every time someone tells us they were forced to do something horrific to us we buy it a little less and he said it a lot. Lots of people would say it a lot. We weren't very old a tall when we started believing there was only two types of people dumb heartless ones and everyone else. We have no problem with empathising with what happened to someone when they were a child but we don't turn that into identifying with our abusers and the abusers of children. You are not the person you could of been, you are the person you are.

So were we sent out to Scotland, fulltime trafficking and poverty because we wouldn't do what we were told over there?

But its not like that birth with our dad there and the woman being slaughtered has gone anywhere. If anything its stronger. Its been hard not to notice that whenever we thought about our mum being dead we felt sad in a calmer way instead of confused and quite so terrified. Of course it also meant there was less chance of us being fooled by any of the women they presented to us as our "real mum" but after a while they used this as a way of getting us to feel like Margo was the only mother we had and if we couldn't remember our lads at all it would he really awful.

Our feat could usually find them even when all the rest of us are completely lost.

Christ we have been grateful for the contact that goes on between Johnstons, people who agree to tell us we are Louise etc and the rest of the trafficking networks because when they are trying to convince someone isnt really an abuser over hearing those conversations would always brings us to our senses. You all talk to each other about me but no one talks to us except to lie, none of you can ever be my friends and family. Even if you keep our people away for ever and we die skint or if Pablo spends his whole life thinking he's Scottish and we arent being held hostage.