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My grief seems to be for my kids that are still alive

My seven year old son said he wished he didn’t exist, that statements tore my heart and soul apart. Am I failing as a mother, why would he say that; he’s only seven not a hormonally confused teenager? I am sad but most of all scared. Why does he not feel loved, wanted or safe. Why is he obsessed with where I am, when will I be back, why am I leaving, why is he scared of me not returning? Is it because his sister went back to the hospital and never came back- she died. Is it fair that my seven year old has anxiety or has experienced loss at the age of five and a half? I know he simply needs more love or compassion from me but I have a hard time giving that when he’s driving me crazy. I also mostly believe that I am incredibly loving 95% of the time so what’s the problem!?

August 28 2013

It’s weird that you can spend half of your life not realizing the truth about life or death. Walking around pretending things that don’t matter do, caring about what’s insignificant. And in a flash your life and your eyes are opened to reality- that tragedy is all around you, you can’t pretend anymore. You see fakeness in so many people and it makes you sick, simple tasks like watching TV are too difficult because of the absurd contents. My eyes have been opened and over the last 2 years I have met more people that have lost children than I can count, I have heard of so many accidents or tragedies involving death. I feel surrounded at times. It is hard to see the rainbows. But we need to comfort and accept, not be fake or ignorant and find a way to live with the pain you feel after every sad story you read and still wake up, get dressed and go outside to see that rainbow.

Sept 3 2013

We went to Ossoyos for a last minute vacation, it was incredibly sad but incredibly awesome. I promised Lily when she got out of the hospital that that summer we would wear matching bathing suits on the beach in Ossoyos and here we were going without her, but with her little sister Hope. We had an amazing time as a family- only three days but it felt much longer, funny how when you are in the moment enjoying every moment your time seems longer. I was sad that Lily could not have been there to enjoy these memories but glad that we shared them none the less.

September 15 2013

Its very mind boggling to really try and comprehend what has happened in the last two years, first I was pregnant for twenty of the twenty four months, I lost a daughter, I have a daughter. I look at my sweet Hope who is now almost six months old, I sometimes get overcome with emotion and I hold her tight and cry- ‘please, please don’t take her from me’ I am so scared she will somehow get cancer and die, I have been so exposed to so many amazing parents that one day had a healthy child and the next had a child diagnosed with a terminal disease. These parents have dumbfounded me with their strength and courage. I cry for them and what they have been through- are going through- life is hard and unfair. But then you think of other countries and what their daily norm is and wonder… is life only about suffering? Are they worse off or am I? does it even matter? People say we all complain about first world problems but I wonder at the complexity the mind goes through when you watch your child, your flesh, your life suffer and die. But again in many poor countries around the world mothers watch their children starve and die daily. Why? Those poor women and what their hearts have been through.

I look at Hope who is almost six months old and I think, ‘Lily would be turning two soon….’ What if I had both? Would that be amazing! But that is a dream that was never to be had because we would not have had Hope had we not lost Lily. Which also tears me up inside to imagine not having her, I feel I have to choose- who would I rather have!? GOD! That’s a horrible thought! What is wrong with me? But I cannot help it is the truth.

Sept 22 2013

The first day of Fall. To me the beginning of another season of what would haves without my Lily. She would have been turning two in a couple months, she would have been able to walk for her first Halloween, she would have been able to sit at the table for her first Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. She would have smiled at the beautiful tree we will decorate as a family. The twinkling lights that alite the streets. Fall is sad season. The leaves turn brown and drop to the ground leaving the eventual bareness of the stems. The flowers die. The rain clouds come in.

The first day of Fall. To me the beginning of a new year of school for my kids to grow and learn., A new season of family dinners together. Decorating for Halloween and Christmas. My sweet Hope’s smile as we accept Lily’s second birthday and welcome the New Year.

Logan my five year old who turned four just after Lily’s death recently said to me. ‘We’ve had Hope for a long time’, ‘When will we visit Lily again?’ and then a few days or hours later I don’t remember because it seems like these conversation come out of the blue but quite often especially with him, but he said- ‘Lily always smiled when she was alive’ and that simple statement brought me so much joy as well as sadness. Joy that that is his eternal memory of his little sister. Sadness that we have no more smiles from her, that I only caught a few in pictures, that as we approach the end of our second year without her my memory fades. I used to be able to close my eyes and see that beautiful smile she gave me that last time a few days before she died. It was amazing. She heard my voice turned her head to me and gave me the biggest smile. It is a testament to what the human brain, body; psyche can go through can withstand and still smile.