Review: Eagleheart, Childrens Hospital, and NTSF:SD:SUV::

June 22, 2012

I’m just going to jump right in, because I’ll be twenty five about an hour after this goes up, and I’ve got some very important screwing around to do.

Eagleheart

Look, I don’t know what the other episodes are like, but this is one of the dumbest things I’ve seen in quite some time. Let me break down what happens: The marshals capture an African dictator for human rights crimes. But it turns out that all the chaos in his country was due not to his own actions, but a board game of his invention called Scribble 8’s. And then a ghostly floating head comes out of the game claiming to be a spirit that has manifested itself throughout history in pointless waists of time.

What is even the hell.

And then the spirit of the game is defeated by saying “this game sucks, let’s do something else”. And then the supposed dictator dissolves into a pile of game tiles, and the marshal who said the prophesied words gets gleefully sprayed by skunks while the game tile body is packed into a black box and placed in the game closet.

I haven’t been this mad at something I saw on television since the last time I watched iMPACT. This episode of Eagleheart was so stupid and nonsensical that by the ending, I actually wanted to hit it. I wanted to tell it to go out back and cut me a switch so that I could give it a proper whipping.

This episode of Childrens Hospital wasn’t particularly good, but it wasn’t bad, either. I guess the best word for me to describe it is benign. There were two main plot threads: One centered around the clown doctor’s brother needing money for an operation, and the other around the giraffe mascot of a theme park dropping off multiple children. And then there’s Henry Winkler being completely wasted.

Both plot threads, incidentally, end up with twists that I thought were pretty good: Blake’s brother didn’t need the money for an operation, but to pay back a bookie. He immediately goes double-or-nothing on the Cleveland Cavaliers winning, despite being told that the game is over and that the Cavs already lost. The other is that the children weren’t being injured in an unsafe ride, but that the giraffe was mugging them outside the hospital.

All in all, it’s not bad. It hits somewhere between Loiter Squad and The Eric Andre Show for me, in that I’ll probably never seek it out again, but by the same token I probably won’t reflexively change the channel on it.

NTSF:SD:SUV::

This is probably the one show out of all the others where the title annoys me, because it sounds like the end result of a free association session. But let’s just take it from the beginning. The agents are in a museum, tasked with guarding George Washington’s birth certificate-stop. Just stop right there for a second.

Two things: One, this reeks of being a satirical jab at the “birther” controversy which has been more or less dead for the past year or so, and two, George Washington was born one hundred five years before England and Wales began keeping national birth records, which wouldn’t have helped anyway because he was born in Virginia.

Anyway, getting back on track. There’s a break-in, with the thief going after the…thing…guarded by the team. He’s quickly captured, and is shown to be one of the main character’s many ex-wives, after a sex change, and while being transported it’s revealed that heshe Trent’s ex-wife has had a second sex change. So, to make it clear, this person had a sex change, married and subsequently divorced Trent, and underwent a second sex change, so I can only assume that their crotch must have the texture and consistency of ground beef by now.

After stopping for the night at a safehouse, Trent gets himself handcuffed to a bed by virtue of giving in to his ex-wife. The two go back to the museum, where things get really stupid really fast, so I’ll summarize as best I can.

One of the other agents is waiting for Trent to show up with is sex-changed ex-wife, who gives her a bomb that will explode if she takes her hands off it. Trent is forced to steal the…document…and the two head outside, where they are confronted by the team’s robot who intends to turn both of them over to the President of the Navy who is revealed to be the person behind the theft of the document (the reasoning given that not only was George Washington not born in America, he was not born on this planet[Seriously? This is where they took this?]) and Trent’s ex-wife’s lover, and M. Night Shyamalan weeps openly because he knows that he will never achieve this many twists in one piece of media.

FUCK. THIS. I feel dumber for having witnessed this train wreck of an ending. And the hell of it is, the part that makes me clench my fists and grind my teeth, is that everything leading up to the ending was alright. I mean, yeah it was stupid, but at least it was relatively enjoyable. I award the writers of NTSF:SD:SUV:: no points, and may God have mercy on their souls.