On Language: Behind the Stick By William Safire Kimble Mead

Published: May 3, 1981

The person dispensing drinks from behind a bar is called a bartender. Customers who are fond of the archaic call him barkeep or innkeeper. (A clumsy bartender is called a shoemaker; one quick and capable is a mechanic. A woman tending bar is a barmaid, and there is relatively little pressure for beverage attendant (''On what airline?'' sneers one barmaid) or barperson. Bartendress is silly; waitron has been a neuter-gender suggestion.

''I hate being called a barmaid,'' observes J. Fialla Gamsu of Waterhole 3, Saranac Lake, N.Y. ''How can one as ravaged by time and demands for drinks as I be called a maid any longer? I prefer to be summoned by the subtle nonverbal communication of eye contact, the lonely tinkle of cubes, the eloquent gesture of the empty glass, the searching look as hand goes to pocket. ...''

Other female bartenders have different tastes. ''I have had people watch me pour drinks for five minutes and then ask me, 'Excuse me, are you the bartender?' '' writes Betsy Kates of White Plains, N.Y. ''My name is not waitress, sweetie, honey, cutie, a whistle, or a snap. You can call me miss, excuse me, bartender, when you have a chance (five of the sweetest words a customer could speak) or even young lady, or, sure, barmaid is acceptable. But I paid my dues to make it this far in the ranks: Let me be addressed accordingly. Or best of all, you could ask me my name and I'll be glad to tell you.''

A bartender works behind the wood, behind the mahogany, or behind the stick, the last referring to ''the beer-tap lever used to draw draught beer,'' according to Alan Catlin of Schenectady, N.Y., who calls himself a professional barperson. He adds that the phrase is metaphoric: ''Wherever you work, you are 'behind the stick,' whether there is one or not.'' Taking It Straight

I have written about the difficulty of ordering a straight serving of liquor. Neat used to be the operative term, followed by straight - now the preferred locution is straight up, the opposite of on the rocks. (An old-fashioned has become so old-fashioned that an oldfashioned glass is now called a rocks glass.)

''Some other locutions on straight shots are as follows,'' reports John Kearney of New York: ''a little rub of the relic, a touch of evil, a mite, a drop, a swap of the mop ... .'' Measurements, he adds, go from a li'l dab (half a shot) to king and queen (double shot) to the term for a triple shot, or four and a half ounces, a sewer full of booze.

A bartender from Campbell River, British Columbia, A. Murphy, adds, ''The development of drinking establishments with dim lighting has forced experienced topers into demanding their drinks pure, solo, barefoot, unpolluted, without the trimmings and a singleton.'' Other words he has noted to denote straight whiskey include a nip, wee droppee, noggin, taste and smidgen, but those ''are generally derisive and used in watering holes known for tight measures. In the case of a more generous host, one would call for a stiff belt, an eye-opener, a lid-lifter or a dollop.''

The word coming up fast for a straight shot is a shooter. ''A shooter is a shot of liquor swallowed in one quick gulp,'' says Jeff Dee in Sarasota, Fla. ''For some reason, they are also called hooters.''

The swallow-grimace-and-wheeze crowd also refers to what used to be known as a snort as a jolt, kicker and three-fingers.The word snort is receding from booze lingo, having been stolen by drug lingo to mean a dose of cocaine. Similarly, a toot - formerly a period of inebriation - now means a snort, or line, of the white powder, and is leaving bar talk. (A toot was never a serious bout of drinking, and never lost a weekend: ''A toot can be a day or two,'' writes Miss Gamsu, ''but the true nature of a bender is never revealed before the third day.'') A pop, on the other hand, is moving from drug lingo into booze lingo to describe a series of drinks -''a few pops'' can either be straight or mixed. The most popular current description of a drink, straight or mixed, is a blast. On Chasers

A chaser - a glass of water or soda to chase away the taste of a straight shot - is also called a rinse, and is used negatively in an ecclesiastical metaphor: without the blessing.

''A chaser usually refers to a beer rather than soda,'' observes Miss Gamsu, and other bartender members of the Lexicographic Irregulars have pointed to a ball and a beer as a frequent combination. But most differ with her on the nature of chaser: ''Your order of bourbon, neat, soda on the side,'' responds Doe Firth of Alameda, Calif., ''would be called shoot one, soda back.''

Soda on the side is usually Eastern; soda back is Western and Southern. ''Back means any plain drink served in a short highball glass or old-fashioned glass and usually not charged for,'' reports Edward Glanzberg of Tucson, Ariz. ''If a bar charges for a back, it shows a lack of class.''

''In New England,'' writes Elizabeth Hill of the Naked i Cabaret in Boston's ''Combat Zone,'' ''you may ask for a tonic back, but you'd better specify tonic water or you may receive a cola, ginger ale, or Sprite. In New York you could request a soda back, but once again, you may get any random soda 'pop' the bartender squirts out. A tonic and a soda are the same thing, in different places. Specify!