Marmite and cheese, though if you publish that I’ll deny it because my career will be over.

If a lobster is so nice an so speshial why does it mak yuor fingers smell lik yuo been scratchin a whales armpit after yuo eeaten it?

All the best things make your fingers small like that.

Do yuo sumtimes wish yuo cud swap places with Jezza Clarkson?

I’ve swapped with him, but Hammond got upset and started whining so we had to swap back again.

Hot dog or Burger? Wich 1 do yuo thik yuo cud keep in yuor pocket for longer befor yuor wife found out an tol yuo to throw it away?

I’ve had a hotdog in my jacket pocket for three months now, and my wife still hasn’t rumbled me. Next time we see each other I’ll let you touch my hot dog.

If yuo cud open yuor own restrant wud it be better than WokExpress?

No. I know my limits.

Wat got yuo started in food writin? Was it the deep pan pizza company?

Getting started was easy. It’s stopping that’s the problem. (The pizza company turned down my job application. I failed the psychometric test).

Wich of these London restrants is the bes?

Meatlicker

Dirtey Burger

Lucky Chip

McDronlands?

You left off that fried Chicken place in Peckham which is like Mumford and Sons. That one’s the best.

Is it true tha yuo used to be in a brakdansin crew calld “thugz 4 eva” but yuo were kicked out cos yuo ate every1s shreddys?

Where are you getting this stuff? After I hurt myself in the Deptford dance off incident I obtained a super injunction so nobody could ever discuss the damage I did to my coccyx.

Is yuor wife a better cook than Reny Redzepy?

She would be, but she hates foraging. Mostly we live on Weetabix and Sunny Delight in my house.

Is Reny Redzpey a better cook than tha fella from Dabooz?

That’s like Sophie’s choice, only with less of the genocide.

Wich plac do yuo thik Rachel Koo would lik to go to more?

She’d be happy to go to either but she can’t get out of her tiny kitchen because there’s a camera crew in the way.

Do yuo actshually lik eeatin hog an cow an sheep scraps lik ther inside rank bits, or do yuo jus do tha to look lik mor of a cool foody?

No, not at all, but it’s in my contract that I have to, and a guy’s got to make a living.

Wat is the plot of yuor novel?

I can’t tell you yet, except that it involves lots of lard, rubber tubing and a Josper Grill. It’s aimed right at the mummy porn market

Do yuo sumtimes wish tha yuo wer a bloggr so tha food peeopl wud give yuo los of free stuff an invit yuo to cool places an yuo wuldn hav to tell evry1 tha yuo got it for free or say to yuor boss that the deep fryer at KFC invited yuo to eeat as many family buckets as yuo want if yuo just Tweet about it?

All the time. At night I lie awake tossing, and dreaming of being Chris Pople or, if I’m feeling really dirty, the Critical Couple. Those people have it all and I have nothing.