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Monday, March 24, 2014

So,
apparently the world of geekdom is afire with the never-ending conflict between
the genders and the nerve-wracking prospect of mating. I sat down and thought about all of the
mitigating factors to this situation and it was long. So rather than go through
them all in detail, I will just lay out my theses for each topic. We can get
into more detail if it is desired, but there are a few key points I feel need
to be said up front:

This is not a simple situation. This is not just about knowing
boundaries, or lack of clear communication. There is not an easy answer like “respect
people’s boundaries” or “be nice to awkward people.”

This is not a case of extremes. Not every guy who touches a woman’s
shoulder is testing boundaries for a future date rape. Not every woman who
rejects your advances is a cold meanie who has no care for the feelings of sensitive
dudes. Extremes do exist, but that are such a small part of the population in
question as to be straw men.

While the situation is complex, it is
never okay to not respect other people. This goes for everyone. Hurting other people, either through
carelessness, miscommunication, or aggression is wrong. More than ‘wrong’, it
makes the situation worse, for everyone. It is not pragmatic.

If you think I am taking the side of
your enemies, you are wrong.My approach is based
on my experiences, but I see things everyone does to make it worse and no one
has the moral high ground (including me). My thought process is based on being
an applied academic (I am an anthropologist with some experience teaching and
researching gender), convention volunteer/director (more than a decade with Origins,
plus helping to run a few smaller conventions), religious person (I will let you
guess what religion, though I am not sure it is relevant), geek/nerd/dweeb (I
think most people reading this know my cred), former behavioral health
professional (special needs kids and adults), and ‘successful’ mater (9 years
married with rugrats). I am still probably wrong, but that’s where I am coming
from.

So,
without further ado, my theses on some of the issues involved in the situation:

Gender
roles and women’s empowerment: Gender roles are changing, and have been since
the early feminist movements. It is becoming (slowly) more acceptable for women
in our culture to be aggressive and less so for men to be. This means everyone
is trying to figure out where they stand, have a little patience.

Labels
like “Creeper” and “Bitch”: Labels serve no one. When you label someone, you give
them three choices: Embrace it (“Okay, I am a creeper, that means I can do
whatever I want”), Deny it (“I am just awkward, cut me some slack.”), or Fight
it (“Well, you are a bitch, so I guess we are even.”). The fact is, both of
these labels have drifted into very broad categories of behavior ranging from “Asks
you out and you don’t find him attractive” and “Says no, thank you.” All the way
to “rufies and windowless vans” and “publically humiliates you, crushes your
testicles, and then hires thugs to beat your to death with your bouquet of
roses.” A vast majority of people are neither end, remember that.

“Proper
behavior for approaching women”:There
is no handbook. Men have three sources: trial and error, pop culture (Stalking
is romantic if it works, thanks Hollywood), and other males. We use them all to
varying degrees, and each has advantages and drawbacks.

Social
status, wealth, attractiveness, and confidence: These all matter, women. It doesn’t
make you shallow, but it is important to realize that men rarely have high
marks in all of them, and you *do* judge them based on it. Geeks are
particularly challenged in this area, often through no fault of their own.

Communication:
Subtle hints and flirting are great. “Soft No” and indirect propositions are
great… but you accept the risk that they may be ignored, misinterpreted or missed
altogether. Ambiguity is risk, accept that.

Rights,
privileges, and entitlement: Arguably, people have more of a right to speak
than you have not to be spoken to. There is no “right to be left alone while
you read” just like there is no “right to sexual favors when you ask.” Heck,
you do not have a right to be treated respectfully, but you do have a
responsibility to do so. Regardless of what they do. If you have expectations
of how other people should act, you are asking to be frustrated. Again, this is
pragmatic, not cultural.

Vulnerability
and Power: The biggest fear I see from
women in these cases is a sense of vulnerability. Many fear for their safety,
and feel that trumps all other considerations. It does. Kind of. Just be aware
that men fear for their safety as well. No, they are not worrying that you will
kill or rape them, but men are exposing themselves to harm because in our
culture they have to. One of the biggest causes for violence is a feeling of
powerlessness. No, it is not fair. But be aware.

Rape,
harassment, and unwanted advances: Implying (or in many cases I have seen,
outright stating), that a man is a “creeper” is basically calling that guy a
potential, failed, or successful rapist. Think about that. On the other hand,
men, in our culture we don’t touch women without their permission. Period. Yes,
it can be awkward when women are not clear if it is okay, but until it is
resolved on a cultural level, don’t assume. Finally, unwanted advances.
Seriously? Someone finds you attractive, approaches you, and you don’t reciprocate.
That is fine.But unless there is a real
threat, be gracious, be flattered, be clear.

Social
Awkwardness, Psychopathologies, and Conditioned Behavior: On both sides, every
action we take makes a similar action more likely in the future. Everyone, when
you assault (verbally or physically) a person on either side of the attempted proposition,
you are affecting their behavior for life. Men, upsetting women makes it harder
for you to be successful in the future and harder for other men like you to be
successful. Choose your pick up lines carefully. Women, upsetting men will make
it *less* likely they will be able to appropriately approach other women. You
are increasing the likelihood that they will make other women (and you, if the
man tries again) feel unsafe.

Conventions, bars, and other ‘sexualized public spaces’: Conventions are a
particularly sticky issue (I should probably pick a better word, but I won’t).
Cosplay, distance from home (and consequences), anonymity, crowds, alcohol,
sexualized advertising, high geek proportions (again, probably should pick a
better word) all lead to people taking risks they would not normally take. Men,
the fact that you are anonymous and drunk and that makes you feel free from
consequences does not mean women agree. Women,
understand the context, and understand that *all* conventions are seen as meat
markets (even the elementary school teacher’s convention I went to). Both
sides, stick to groups. Unless you have negotiated ‘alone time’ while sober and
well-rested, don’t make assumptions later.

Pop
culture, stalking and romance: I mentioned this before, but seriously, how we
see mating rituals is pretty weird. Men are told that unrelenting attention is
romantic. It isn’t, guys. Women are told that men should be confident, remember
that when Mr. Geek waddles his way over to ask you out. Men and women are told
that attractive people have all the power. Men, this means you cannot resent
women who are attractive and have all the power. Women, this means that your
attractiveness is a source of power and you should be compassionate. (This goes
the other way for attractive men, but that is somewhat outside the scope of
this discussion.)

Negotiating
social distance: Americans believe in a physical distance of about two to three
feet. Men, this is your marker. If you wish to see if that distance has
shortened between you and a female, extend a hand halfway and see if they reciprocate.
Unless you are pushing her out of the way of a runaway Amish buggy, there is
*nowhere* on her body you can touch platonically. Women, be aware that men
touch for more than sexual attraction. Men touch to ‘play’ with each other.
This is why football players can play grab ass on the field and not have to
worry about sleeping on their stomachs. When a man wants to communicate to a
woman that they are not a sexual interest, they will touch you in various ways.
It’s stupid, but it’s how we communicate. Both, be aware that “comfort zones”
are completely cultural and are not uniform even within the same culture. Err
on the side of caution. As much as it seems like people “should just know” the
right way to respond to these situations, cultures are in flux and we are
constantly negotiating how this is supposed to work.

Responsibility
and Projection: Ultimately, we are responsible for our behavior. If what you
are doing is making someone uncomfortable, stop. If you are being made
uncomfortable, clearly communicate that. If you are trying to communicate with
someone, and this is important… IF YOU WANT THE OTHER PERSON TO ACT A CERTAIN
WAY YOU HAVE TO CARE WHAT THEY THINK. Not just because it’s the humane thing to
do, but because if you don’t you are trying to act without all the variables,
and that doesn’t work.

This
isn’t even about morality, compassion, or forgiveness (though they should all
be involved). This is about being pragmatic. It is about trying to reduce the
awkwardness, fear, and humiliation so that they don’t happen anymore. It is about
trying to avoid triggers, expectations and assumptions that make it worse. It
is about finding solutions that work, you can apply whatever moral, legal, or
ethical framework you want, but I think discussion is an early step to finding
solutions. It’s all about communication (until my psychic empathy gene therapy
patent comes through, then it will be all about public water supplies).

Friday, November 1, 2013

Jessica Allen combs her
long blond hair, careful to not draw too many of the brown highlights together
as to create a patch of mismatched color. The antique mirror that sits upon her
make-up bureau has begun to chip and fade in the corners, revealing the tan
cork behind the glass and metal finish. It had been her great-grandmothers,
bought through the Sears catalogue after years of saving vegetable profits from
their tiny homestead.

The mirror was nothing
special when it as new, just another mass-produced ware created just as the
factories were becoming more common. Still technically ‘hand-made’, it was only
through the care taken by her great-grandmother Patience and subsequent
generations to follow that it was in as good as shape as it is now.

It is all she has by way
of an heirloom. At least as far as she is aware.

She puts the brush away
and gently drapes the blue velvet cover back over her reflection. She has done
this every morning since she was thirteen, as her mother and grandmother had
done before her. Jessica is tired, and her loose hanging hair face shows it.
For a brief moment, as she turns away, the image on the mirror does not reflect
the sad grimace on her face, but a smile and a tight braid. It is the kind of
braid that serves well for heavy work on a farm.

She
steps back for a moment and considers the blue velvet centerpiece to her life.
Everything else she has ever owned has come and gone, to be replaced by newer,
fancier, or more expensive things. She is a long way from the struggling farm
girl, working to scrape together pennies to buy an item from a book of goods.
Taken objectively, her life is pretty easy.

She
has a good job, working as an advertising executive for a large marketing firm.
She had a partner for many years, and the separation was amicable. She doesn’t
turn down dates; so much as she is too busy to arrange them herself and blind
dates aren’t exactly her thing. Being set up with a complete stranger by
well-meaning friends or an impersonal dating service just seems desperate and
weak to her. Intellectually she recognizes that it is a catch-22, she doesn’t
look for people to date and won’t use the services to date so not having
someone to date is a foregone conclusion and therefore using any other means to
resolve it will, by default, seem desperate. Besides, she knows that the
changes to her lifestyle dating would bring are probably not worth it.

Jessica
puts on her pants suit and grabs her briefcase on the way out of the door. She
refuses to carry a purse, too feminine, too expected, and most of all, too easy
to lose track of. It isn’t like a briefcase and a purse can hold only certain
objects, and one works as well as the other for what she needs.

She
pauses at the door and taps the security code into in the keypad. Her
neighborhood isn’t particularly dangerous, but it is a ritual she uses to
remind herself that she has secured her home. Back in the old days, when they
had keys for everything, she was always plagued by a nagging impression that
she had forgotten to lock things up when she left. In truly neurotic fashion,
this resulted in her leaving work, or a party, or a movie early just so she
could get home quickly to check. She never once found it unlocked, but that
didn’t seem to impact the next time it occurred.

So
now she uses electronics for everything. She can check from her phone if she
worries, which is usually enough that she doesn’t feel the need to. Strange how
the mind works, she often thinks to herself.

In
the driveway she considers taking her 2003 Lincoln Town Car to work, but
decides to walk down to the subway station instead. Driving in the city was a
knack she had picked up years ago, but it usually wasn’t worth it. Parking,
gas, and dealing with traffic were rarely compensation for sense of freedom she
felt with her own way to escape work. The subway was not a pleasant experience,
but it was consistent, and it meant that she could read on the way in, only at
the small cost of being on the lookout from gropers and the occasional drunk.

Emerging
from the subway station downtown always felt a little like waking from a deep
sleep. The sunlight bounced from the glass walls of the buildings and was eaten
by the dreary colored crowds shuffling through the streets below. Grey skies,
even in at the height of summer, formed layers of dreariness and blinding light
and she finds herself blinking every time the escalator takes her past the
threshold of the underground labyrinth.

Two blocks to her office
building, another skyscraper carefully designed to look unique, just like every
other structure in the downtown area. Every morning she nods to the security
guard, a nice guy named Ralph who she seems to remember something about him
being a former NFL player, but each morning it isn’t quite important enough for
her to actually ask. He smiles, a big toothy grin, and then goes back to his
magazine.

Jessica
makes a concerted effort to follow the etiquette of elevator usage, and exits
at the twentieth floor, careful not to make eye contact with anyone as she
leaves. She has learned, through the years that nothing good can come from
early morning acknowledgement. Most people, especially her age, are not morning
people. They don’t want interaction and they resent being called upon to do so.
Of the morning people, more than half were men, and men had an annoying habit
of assuming anything more than passive aloofness was an invitation for romance.
Of the women, many of them were threatened by her, trying to avoid her for some
work reason, had heard some sort of rumor about her that they were sure is
true, or had learned the same lessons Jessica had over the years. It boils down
to a general policy of not saying anything to anyone in the morning, waiting
instead to deal with things through the safety of e-mail and the conference
phone in her office.

She
always closes the door to her office for the first hour she is in the office.
Every morning, someone is waiting for her to come in so they can ask a question
about a project, present some issue, or generally get whatever they need
done.By closing the door, people know
that her ‘open-door’ policy is not available, which gives her time to check
e-mail, eat a protein bar, and sip at a bottle of water with flared diet
lemonade powder put in for taste. By the time she does open her door, there is
always someone anxious to get her attention, and so her true work day begins.

In
the evening it is the same process in reverse. About an hour before she goes
home she closes her door to send out any last minute emails. She has learned
over the years that any conversations that happen I the last hour of work are
prone to being forgotten, misremembered, and often just upset people. So
anything she needs to communicate, she does so through e-mail. It also means
that no one comes up to her at the Nth hour expecting her to resolve a list of
things before she leaves. The system works. Every once in a while she will have
someone from above or below her who tries to fight it, but her response is
always passive, patient, and aloof. Eventually they figure it out.

The
elevator, the subway, the keypad, all the same, but from the different angle. She
usually cooks her own dinner, from a recipe she researched the week before so
she could find materials. She fancies herself a bit of an amateur chef, and if
she had someone to check her work, they might agree. Each meal is a masterpiece
in efficiency and flavors, and she does nothing else while she eats, savoring
every bite.

By
the end of dinner and dishes, it is time for bed. She puts on her pajamas,
white silk, and sits down in front of the mirror. Gently she removes the blue
velvet cover and folds it into a perfect 8 inch square. She brushes her hair;
careful to separate the larger patches of brown from the more common blond
hairs, and when she is done she replaces the velvet cover looking at it for a
few minutes from across the room as she fades off to sleep.

Every
once in a while, she has a particular dream that stands out from the normal ebb
and flow of sleep. In it, she has more control over her own actions. She can
feel wind on her skin and smell wildflowers blossoming on fields of growing
grain. The golden sun tingles on her skin, providing heat but not burning her
delicate freckles. She can feel a loose sun dress billow around her, touching
her at intervals times to the flow of wheat stalks that stretch as far as she
can see. Sometimes she turns around, and sees a hand-built house in the
distance, surrounded by gardens of flowers and vegetables. A tall oak tree
provides some shade for the house, and she can see a man working on the side,
hammering a window pane or cutting firewood. She cannot quite make out any
features other than dark hair and the build of a lumberjack.

Other
times she turns west to see a roiling thundercloud off in the distance, slowly
building and coming towards the farm. Lightning crackles inside the tempest and
the clouds flash with anger as a sheet of water slowly consumes the far plains.
When she sees this, she turns to run back to the house. She needs to warn the
man there, but she always wakes up before she reaches the oak.

She
doesn’t remember the dream when she opens her eyes. Even the fading memory of
most dreams doesn’t happen, preventing her from preserving what she saw. It
wasn’t a nightmare, nor was it the normally disjointed time and symbolism of
other dreams. It doesn’t come often, but when it does she wakes feeling more
rested and filled with a sense of inexplicable calm. The dream always ends a
few minutes from her alarm, and she assumes that those rare days where she
wakes up without the screeching shock of the accursed thing is why she feels so
calm.

But
that isn’t really why, and somewhere deep inside, she knows it.

Jessica
takes the extra few minutes to brush her hair a few more strokes, careful not
to break or split the ends, meticulous in the arrangement of the colors. As she
gets older, she notices that some of the browns have turned paler, some of the
blondes almost platinum, and even a few greys have appeared. It doesn’t bother her;
she just arranges them with all the others and keeps them from bunching up.

She
puts on a fresh pants suit and checks her briefcase, careful to put the suit from
yesterday into the bag for the dry cleaners. Stepping outside, she pauses at
the keypad and again in the moment of decision to drive or take the subway.

Life
is predictable, safe, and relatively painless. She likes it this way, and only
smiles softly at people who may question such a guarded existence. They could
do whatever they want, she would think, and she could too.

Jessica
Allen doesn’t smile. She doesn’t frown either. She just is. A single leaf on a
quiet pond, she is unchanged by the occasional ripple of wind or drop of rain
that might otherwise capsize a less stable person. That is exactly how she
likes it.

Monday, September 2, 2013

What if we accepted that guns
are ubiquitous in our culture, that the constitution and Supreme Court have
both said owning guns is a right, and the arbitrary and subjective lines of
“too much gun” is an irrelevant distinction for laws?

Currently we require
cigarette companies to fund a certain amount of addiction treatment, public
awareness campaigns and scientific studies on the effects of smoking. There is
precedent for holding companies who sell in the U.S. responsible for mitigating
negative effects of their products.

My idea: require gun safety,
cleaning, repair and marksmanship classes in every high school. Instructors
would be public union employees and the weapons and ammunition would be
supplied by any weapon company that wished to sell or import into our country.
These gun companies would also be responsible for funding security and control
procedures for all stocks.

We would end up with a
populace that is better prepared for a situation involving guns (the NRA should
love this). We could have scenario training for advanced students that could
lead to conceal carry permits. It would be funded by the people profiting from
the industry, and would teach a healthy respect for firearms. For those who do
not like the spread of guns in our culture, it would create a generation of
kids who actually knew what holding one and firing would be like, and perhaps
demonstrate to them that guns are real tools and not just things used in movies
or by criminals and whack jobs with vigilante survivalist notions.

When the inevitable
accidents, ‘shrinkage’ and misuse occur, we can use each as an example of the
true impacts of gun culture and cease speculating about the effects of media,
and have actual data. For an entire generation guns would be normal, boring,
and a pain in the ass (care and feeding of a firearm is pretty tedious). As we
know, anything associated with coursework is automatically offputing to most
American students, using the same basic theory as childcare courses that
require you to coddle a hyper-real infant poop device or learn how to drive a
car for a year before they let you test your skills half-drunk from an underage
party and trying to text your latest Instagrammed sepia-toned beer pong win to
the people who couldn’t be there so they know you are cooler then they.

I believe the long term
effects (as demonstrated by Switzerland for example) would be we would stop
fetishizing guns, and the companies would be held responsible for the
deleterious effects of their products.

There wouldn’t be more guns
in the country, really. There would just be a greater spread, more education,
and because a vast majority of fire arms would be limited function, low-calibre
handguns (because schools would get the cheapest ones the profit-driven
companies could get away with using) we may even drift away from GATs and Macs
and Man-Barbie Accessory sets for your AR-15’s ‘furniture.’

Companies win because they
get an early crack at a new gun toting generation (since criminals don’t buy
their guns legally anyway and whack-jobs aren’t exactly the most wholesome
spokesmen (looking at you, Ted Nugent).

Society wins because gun
users are trained, self-aware, and less likely to be apathetic to the issue of
violence. It also formalizes what up to now has been a vague American mythology
about long hard objects that are clearly not a response to Puritan restraint.

The next generation wins
because they will be able to defend themselves from the drug-addled
criminals/government stooges who come bursting through their door leaving them
no choice but to ‘water the Tree of Liberty’ if you catch my drift.

Our Government wins because
it will be funded by the companies, so no new taxes, will create more teaching
jobs, will increase funding to schools, and create a more informed public about
a hot-button issue. It also protects our Constitution, which as we know is
immutable and any revisiting of the basic principles is a slippery slope to
Fascism/Socialism/Anarchy/Panda Apocalypse or whatever.

The only issue I haven’t
quite worked out yet is about the massive numbers of suicides that would occur
as teens gained more access to firearms. Not to get too Darwinist, but it’s a
problem that might solve itself. We can always hope that if we make guns seem
like homework, our hormone-juiced teens will be unwilling to spend precious
time away from Twitter and Playstation just to do something that might be
construed as ‘extra credit.’

Friday, July 26, 2013

As some of you know, I am a parent.
My children are 3 years oldand 6 months old, so
I am just starting out. I do, however, have more than a decade of experience
dealing with special needs kids, students, disabled adults, and management, so
that helps round out my expertise and makes room from growth as my own kids
move through life’s stages.

In short, I am not an expert.

That being said, a friend of mine
recently initiated a conversation about his own life path and it seems he is on
the way to fatherhood, once he finishes his stint overseas. I think that is
awesome. I love being a Dad. Of course, once that came up I did what all
parents do: offer unsolicited advice. In my defense, everyone does it because
it is a way to share wisdom, reassure ourselves that we are doing things right,
and compare notes with people who have differing opinions.

So the topic drifted to ‘things to
know before you procreate’ and it got me thinking. I have made a lot of
mistakes, I think it’s part of the process. Telling people to make sure they
cover the little’s boy’s cannon when changing him is mostly just funny when
people learn for the first time.Mentioning that Mom will poop in the delivery room might be a good heads
up, but really, if you fail, it happens and the moment will pass and everyone
moves on.

What I think about are the things
with long term effects. Things that impact my attitude positively and I see
impact other negatively. Things about perspectives, interpretation, and
reactions to the various situations kids bring. Some things, like the fact that
you children WILL destroy something valuable to you at some point can be
mitigated by not loving ‘stuff’ so much. Good luck with that, Consumer America.
Other ‘truths’, like the fact that a daughter will always break your heart,
aren’t really helpful and kind of put a damper on things if you dwell on it. I
am not sure that’s what a new Dad needs to hear.

So it got me thinking: What does a
new Dad ‘need’ to hear? What advice could I offer that helps in the long run,
that keeps the weight of being a Dad from eating away at your patience and will
to live? What do I think will help me five, ten, twenty, or twenty-five years
from now when I am dealing with the progressively stupider problems kids bring?
What virtues do I hope to maintain so I can pass them on and maybe my kids will
emulate?

And that is really what it boils
down to, for me. Virtues. So, in talking to my friend, it occurs to me that the
three things parents always need but often let slip away are Patience, Humor,
and Willpower. These are things I hope Eve and Van develop, and I know I lack
them in many ways, so I have to consciously develop them alongside my children.

Willpower.

So the first piece of advice I gave
my friend is that he and his wife should embrace gross before they have a kid.
Kids are gross. And I don’t just mean the good chance they will have a Baby
Vomit Volcano or find themselves talking about poop for at least a good hour
each day, often to anyone who will listen I mean kids are gross
quintessentially. They will lick the grime off of gymnastics mats to make cool
handprints (Hi Emily!). They will hide frogs in their pockets and then forget
when they sit down. They will get infected, sick, broken, and scarred. They
will try to cook you breakfast and end up exploding eggs in the microwave and
smearing bacon grease all over the kitchen, themselves, every door between the
stove and your bedroom door, the sheets, and any pet unlucky enough to get too
close (which they will - bacon is good).

So I suggested to him to get used
to gross. If there is something that particularly pops their gag reflex,
overexpose to it now. Explore gross. Play with tapioca without a bowl. Eat head
cheese. Huff their gym bag. Clean a high school toilet. Whatever it takes. Someday
they will be thankful when the doctor tells them to bring in a sample of their
delightful child’s stool because they fear there may be a worm infection. Just
saying.

Patience

That got me thinking about how kids
think. A lot of people make the mistake of thinking kids are either entirely
faultless because they are precious and cute and really just pets with opinions
that will someday magically manifest only the good parts of their parents.
Others make the exact opposite mistake. They see a tiny human and assume they
are like any other adult. Breaking a camera makes them quintessentially stupid.
Putting together a Lego set means they are smart. Most of all, they do things
because, like adults, they think things through and should be responsible for
their actions (I am still looking for an adult like this - let me know if you
find one).

Children are neither.

Imagine a scale, where at one end
you have these faultless primates and the other you have The Good Son. Children
absolutely start at the former end. They might get close to the latter end when
they are forty, but I wouldn’t bet on it. As children grow, the amount of
agency (ability to make decisions and act on them) increases slowly. Most
children don’t think very far ahead. They want to eat all their Halloween candy
now, and don’t even consider that they will be heaving jujubes in an hour or
that doing so may create a permanent candy aversion that will ruin every
Halloween forever. An adult who puts a grilled cheese sandwich into your Xbox
is a jerk. There is a reasonable expectation that they knew the consequences,
did so for social reasons, and probably could have figured out what would
happen with actually going through with it. Your five year old, however,
doesn’t have the experiences or mental acuity to work through all the
complexities of what they are doing. They are, for all intents and purposes,
about 10% agency and 90% impulse/curiosity/confusion at that point.

People run into the problem a lot
with teenagers. At fifteen, a person should know a bit more about what they are
doing and take some damn responsibility for themselves, right? Well, yes.
Definitely push for that. But understand that to a child, each year is like a
whole new life time. It is a major segment of their existence and they see
things through new eyes, process things with a new brain, and move things with
a new body that changes daily. Add on top of that hormones, newfound social
pressures, and about six years of constantly being uncomfortable physically,
and you tell me how well you can think straight.

Now, don’t get me wrong. This isn’t
about rolling over, or being a paragon of forgiveness, or not putting out
structure, discipline, or consequences. You HAVE to do those things. I am
talking about what is going inside your head as a parent. Cut the kids some
slack, and when you have to get tough, remember that you were once there too.
Provide boundaries, help them balance risk and reward, and be the bad guy a
lot. But in your heart, where you store all of these emotions, remember to be
compassionate to them and you.

Humor.

This brings us to the third piece
of advice I gave (which by the way weren’t nearly this long winded). Have a
sense of humor with your kids. I don’t mean make jokes, or play, or have fun.
You should do those too. What I mean is that it helps to realize that
parenthood is a game. We provide structure, discipline and guidance; our kids
try to work around them. That’s their job. It isn’t about being in control, or
being the most powerful one, or being obeyed. You look at it that way, and you
will end up with kids who either integrate those values and become jerks as
adults or they will succumb to your behavior and become obedient little drones
(or somewhere on that scale).

A successful adult is
compassionate, clever, flexible, and disciplined. They can solve problems, work
around obstacles without hurting themselves or others. And guess what, you, the
parent, are an obstacle. They can be respectful. That is important. But when
you tell your kid that they can’t have candy before dinner so they wake up
early and eat it all before breakfast, maybe you should have been a bit clearer
with your instructions.

It’s a game. A game where you have
more power, but using that power is dangerous. If you make it a power struggle,
you will lose. They will grow up, they will take that frustration of being
powerless out on someone else, and most of all they will not learn how to make
the right choices until after they have screwed up tremendously.

So I recommended to my buddy to keep a sense of humor about
it. When your kid outsmarts you, have there be consequences but in your heart
remember that a smart kid who learned to respect their adversaries will go far.
Be an adversary worth respecting (and not fearing).

We often feel like we have less
power in our lives than we would like;don’t take
that out on your kids, or they will feel exactly the same way. Over the course
of the thirty years it takes a kid to be independent-ish (on average), you will
play the “rules/weasel” game a lot. If you are a sore loser, you will have a
long road ahead

So, that was the thought process
that came up during my conversation with my friend. I reiterate: I am no
expert. I am wrong more than I am right, and I am not very good at practicing
what I preach. These are ideals to be striven towards, not pass/fail absolutes.
In case you were wondering, or having trouble following my meandering thought
process, here is what I told him:

TL;DR:

Get
used to gross. Fall in love with gross. Inure yourself to gross. Gross can be
funny or it can be upsetting. You choose.

Encourage
responsibility but remember kids are not adults. They are not responsible for
everything they do in the same way adults are. Give them boundaries and
consequences, but in your mind remember that you were once there too.

Structure
and Power is a game between you and your child. Like above, provide discipline,
but in the end you want a kid who can think around problems, and you, as a
parent, are their first consistent problem.

It all
boils down to having a good attitude, letting go of the authority a little in
your own mind, and remembering that kids will love you unless trained to do
otherwise. It’s all about the long game, and how you process and store your
experiences as a parent will count more than any individual problem. You may
not ever explain how you feel to you children, but they will see how you react
emotionally to the inevitable issues that will arise between them and you and
will do the same when they grow up.

There
are a lot of virtues out there, but today I was thinking about Patience, Humor,
and Willpower. Wish me luck.