Thursday, March 31, 2011

You know how you can read a book and it takes forever to "get into it"? Or, worse, it fucking drags on forever to give you something so sub-par that it's like a literary orgasmic letdown (coughcough*Jodi Picoult*coughcough)? If not, consider yourself lucky.

I'm a finicky person. A finicky eater, dresser, and ESPECIALLY a finicky reader. Odds are, anything you hand me, I won't like. I don't read past the first chapter if the book sucks. I'm extremely brutal when critiquing others' works, too.

All this said... "Betty Dodson: A Sexual Revolution" gave me what I needed. I felt... I felt... Fucked by that book. That's the best way I can describe it. The book gave me one of those rare, leg-weakening orgasms that leave me spent and speechless. It teased me, slid it in gently, gave it to me hard, and held me after it was all over. Loved it.

Some parts of the book were already familiar to me, because she and Carlin had discussed them in podcasts. I have my favorites saved in my iTunes library and I listen to them in the car when they come up on shuffle.

What stuck out to me was her loving recollections of experimenting with her brothers. "We’d put my little brother’s penis inside our outer vaginal lips, making a miniature human hot-dog." My initial reactions surprised me, because I try to keep an open mind about things and gauge how I actually feel about something, instead of how I should feel. How should I have felt? Disturbed and uncomfortable, I suppose. How did I feel? Intrigued. Not at the experiences she had, but her unapologetic honesty. I think that's what I love about Betty Dodson as a whole. She isn't afraid to "go there." It makes me wonder what ever happened to just being truthful and unashamed.

I also loved her accounts of her abortions. "Going back over that first abortion, I silently awarded myself a purple heart." She didn't seek anyone's approval, on the contrary, she said she was "made to feel like a criminal." That strength is astounding to me, because no matter how much I love the progressiveness of women's rights and how I feel that no shame should be felt, I know that I wouldn't be that brave. I know that, if I were to ever have an abortion, I would hold that secret to myself forever. There's still a lot of internal work I have to do.

She had the most amazing relationship with her mom. Something I wish all girls (including yours truly) could experience. Absolutely beautiful and honest. *I* love her mom and I never even met her. When Betty talked about her death, I cried. It took me back to last May when my grandma passed away. She was surrounded by her three sons and went peacefully; Daddy said she was fighting to stay alive for Sunday morning, because she loved to go to church. She made it. A little bit after 12am, on Sunday morning, she took her last breath. As I read, I cried out of sadness, but mostly of astonishment. I was emitting small and gasping sobs, because I really couldn't believe death was being treated as something so... Normal? Something that didn't have be so completely riddled with grief, anger, and sadness. It could be beautiful, spiritual, and peaceful. I'd never heard anything like it.

No stone was left unturned. Sexuality and spirituality have always gone hand-in-hand with me, but not necessarily in a positive way. Through Betty's massive amount of textual self-discovery, I delved inside of myself and relived several experiences. Some great, some not, but all beneficial.

I guess I loved this book because it took me on a personal journey. Not just with Betty's experiences, but also with myself. My journey was retrospective; it took me back to being seven or eight and having my first full-on-tongue-in-mouth-kiss with a girl my mom was babysitting. It made me dig out memories I hadn't reviewed in a while. From being around eight or nine and being in bed with a little boy and us taking our pants off and exploring, to the first time I saw a full bush of pubic hair on MW when we were in fifth grade, and even to the first blowjob I gave a while ago, while feeling uninhibited and strangely liberated.

I love books that make you think. I love that this one didn't require researched scenarios or made up love scenes. Just honest memories and honest feelings. There's a reason why I found Dodson and Ross right smack in the middle of my first "life transition." Yay for sexual fate taking hold and guiding me.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

This hits home for me more than it should. I wonder how many women feel this way?And WHY? I just hope that, if she feels that way, she doesn't end up having kids. There's nothing worse than making your kid feel like nothing for the sake of seeming like everything to your man.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I'd be lying if I said big dicks didn't visually appeal more to me than small (and by small, I mean it literally; not average) dicks. I wouldn't be truthful if I told you that I didn't drench my undies when I was in high school when my well-endowed friend waved his huge dick around in class (don't judge; things were boring). It would be an untruth if I said that I didn't often search "mature woman and bbc (big black cock)" on porn sites.

Look. Big dicks are hot. They just are. The way men (or woman) always grip them and handle them. It's just sexy, dammit.

But, I think they're massively overrated and translate way past the realm of fantasy. I feel like some women want a huge salami of a penis just because. I forgot what site I was one, but someone made an offhanded comment about women wanting big dicks and they said something along the lines of: "Why would women want five extra inches of man meat that they can't even fit comfortably inside them anyway?" Very true.

I truly do believe "it isn't the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean." Yeah, some women want an ocean liner, but really? Big dicks can be intimidating. You're trusting him to not ease the head in and then thrust-fuck you hard enough to invert your cervix. Ow.

My close friends and I have talked about the penis size of their partners. All but one of them are owners of a partner with a conventionally "big dick". She is also the only one with "complaints." She says that certain positions don't work because his huge dick actually hurts her. She says it's nice to be with other people, because she gets to experience painless deep penetration.

Mr. Blowjob was on the smaller side of average, but that truly didn't matter much to me. He asked my opinion on his size the next morning. Considering I'm not enough of a bitch to say something rude (even if I wanted to), I told him it was perfect, because it was. Who am I to harshly judge anyone's genitals (whether God-given or man-made)? I hate that he felt the need to ask. I sure as fuck won't ask any partner's opinion on any part of my body. My assumption is that, if we're being sexual, you're accepting me as I am and I shouldn't need reassurance.

But, seriously, I'd like a penis for a day, just to see what it's like. Maybe my boob size will translate into my dick size. If so, then just call me "Mandingo."

Monday, March 14, 2011

Scenario: You're in a five year relationship with someone. You feel like you fit together perfectly and you can get through anything. You've held off on sex, but you've connected in every other way possible. Tonight is the night, though. You're both ready to take the plunge... So, you pull down your partner's pants and see that they're in possession of the opposite of what they "should" have. If you're with a male, then he has a vagina. If you're with a woman, then she has a penis.

Would that be a deal breaker for you? Would you call it quits because their genitals are contrary to what you expected to find? There was no lying... I mean, how many times do you ask your partner if they have a vagina/penis? It's always assumed. Your partner never told you because she/he figured that it didn't matter. You love your partner for everything they have to offer and everything you both have shared... Would her/his genitals change anything?

I have asked a couple of people that. One is an exclusively gay male (he has never had sex with a woman) and one was a heterosexual female (she has never had sex with a woman). The male said that, no, it wouldn't be a deal breaker. After the shock subsided, he feels like he could continue on with the relationship, with sex included. The heterosexual female pretty much gave the same response.

How would I react? I put myself in a relationship with Glenn Close, of course. Basically... It's pretty hot if she ended up having a penis... I mean, that probably sounds twisted, but I just don't care. I feel like I could handle either one, because I would be so intently in love with the person.

So... I think I can identify myself as "pansexual," if I had to put a label on my feeling toward sexuality.

I was thinking yesterday about my tastes in porn and my interests in relationships (or lack thereof). I started Googling about pansexualism.

One website describes it as: Pansexuality is a sexual orientation that embraces all sexes and gender. People who self-identify themselves as pansexual, also referred to as omnisexual, could be open to romantic and sexual relationships with men, women, transsexuals, transgenders, agendered/gender-queer and intersex people.

I'm up for ALL of that in a potential mate... Or a role in the hay at least.

I told a close family member about this and her response? "I sort of figured." Interesting. She thinks I should "come out" to my family. I was never presented with a legitimate reason why, and even if I was, it's not their right to know and it's not something I feel the need to share. Nothing positive could come out of it, so I'll save myself the unnecessary issues.

Anyway, I finally had an orgasm after a week's hiatus and I feel centered all over again. Big changes are about to happen in this virgin's life and I hope to (as the bitches from the "Bad Girls Club" would say) "bounce up on it."

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Cute guy. We're very compatible. He wants sex. I want sex (more so with a woman than with him, but whatever). Neither of us wants a relationship and this could be 100% no strings attached. He's charming, so sweet, we like the same types of media, and fuck, he wears a cowboy hat (take of that what you will). Oh, and if I get pregnant, our baby will be friggin' adorable.

But, pump those breaks. He's fucked one of my friends. Not only fucked her, but he was her first partner. Ever.

Before explaining the reasons why I will (probably) not fuck him, let me just say that the "girl code" is such bullshit. People are not property. She does not own him, and I can fuck him if I damn well please. BUT, I have a bit of a problem having my second sexual partner be someone who had sex with a good friend... And he "took" her virginity. He would be "taking" mine too, and I don't know how I would feel about that in the future. Don't I deserve my own, personally exclusive virginity-taker?

I explained all of this to him and he responded with "We could do it and no one would have to know." Okay, but I would know (and FUCK other people who do know). And I know it would hurt my friend, because she had feelings for him before the sex actually happened, and now she has wounded feelings after.

That's really not my problem, though, in all honesty. I can't control how she feels. She's even told me she's "not like me" when it comes to sex and how I can separate emotion from desire.

There are millions of other men out there. Why him? If I had sex with him, it would hurt her. It would more than likely seem like I was doing it out of sheer ability as opposed to desire. Again, NOT my problem. How she perceives this situation has absolutely nothing to do with me. Why should I make certain choices about my life dependent on how other people will feel? Because I'm just not the kind of ruthless and careless bitch that I wish I was.

It's nice to feel wanted. He was doing everything in his power to convince me to do it (though I'm positive I'm not the first (or last) girl he has fed this shit to), but I've never been that simple-minded. It takes more than some sweet-talking to get these panties off. The problem is that I don't need convincing. Under normal circumstances, I probably wouldn't think twice about it. The problem is my conscience and the fact that I'm not willing to cause another person emotional pain just for the sake of having some orgasms.

I just feel like he's something new for me. Something different. Things aren't going super great around here, so it was just nice to have someone's positive attention, even if it was just because they wanted to get in my pants. I haven't had an orgasm in over a week (I'm more shocked than you are). The only erotica I've viewed are commercials and videos with Glenn Close and Jane Lynch. I feel like my pussy has a stuffy nose, because it's so constantly engorged and I never give it any release.

I am just exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually. Sex isn't something at the top of my list right now. My solo sex life is currently number five on my list of "Big Important Things". My partner sex life didn't even make the top ten.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

So, I was on Lamebook (mostly hilarious site; some things that are posted just suck) and I saw this comment someone made and I loved it:

"I don't understand why prostitution is illegal. Selling is legal, fucking is legal. So, why isn't it legal to sell fucking? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away? I can't follow the logic on that. Of all the things you can do to a person, giving them an orgasm is hardly the worst. In the army they give you a medal for spraying napalm on people; in civilian life you go to jail for giving them orgasms. Am I missing something?"

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About Me

This blog is my best friend, my unspoken therapist, and my virtual lover. A place for me discuss the intimate details of my 22 year old virgin sexuality and personal development in all aspects of my life. Completely raw honesty. Enjoy.

So, apparently, there are some serious Dodson and Ross haters out there. I mean, hell, that's expected. People opinions differ. But, who...

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Glossary

The Amazing Dr. G: She's my gynecologist. She is also the most amazing doctor ever. I'm not revealing her name because... Well, that would be weird. But, mostly because I don't want her to have any more patients. :D

GBILF: Gay Boy I'd Like to Fuck. A friend who is the perfect guy for me. He's smart, funny, cute, and crude... But, he's also gay. I still want his dick, nonetheless.

Weekly Potluck: This blog is mostly about my vagina and sexual matters, but for one day out of the week, I deviate from the norm and treat the entry like a "normal" blog post. It's a mash up of thoughts or ideas that may be running through my mind at that point.