Cancer Connection: Appearances can deceive

Nov. 8, 2013

Written by

Bob Riter

Cancer is a weird disease because you can have it and not be sick. Or you can look pretty good when you are sick. This is confusing for our friends who are trying to say or do the right thing. It can be just as confusing for those of us with cancer.

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, I didnít feel sick at all. It was odd to plan surgery and chemotherapy when I felt in perfect health.

But when I was going through chemotherapy a few months later, I became irritated when people told me that I looked good. I didnít feel so good, and I wanted people to somehow recognize that. Of course, I didnít want people to tell me that I looked like crap, either.

So, what should friends and family say to be helpful? Iíve brought this up at support groups and thereís never a consensus. Everyone seems to have a different opinion. In fact, most everyone seems to have more than one opinion, and those opinions arenít necessarily consistent or rational. How can friends know what to say if those of us with cancer donít know what we want to hear?

But then I heard a colleague, Kerry Quinn, gently ask a patient, ďDo you feel as good as you look?Ē

I realized that this was a perfect question because it doesnít assume anything. It simply asks the patient if how they feel on the inside matches how they look on the outside.

When asked, patients usually pause and reflect. And then they begin to talk.

Bob Riter is the executive director of the Cancer Resource Center of the Finger Lakes. He can be reached at 277-0960 or bob@ccfl.net.