Wayne Rooney an apology:

In an earlier story we reported that Mr Rooney was refusing to sign a new contract with Manchester United. It has been pointed out by Mr Rooney's legal representative that in fact he COULDN'T sign his contract, on account of him being thick as pig shit and illiterate.

We would like to take this opportunity to apologise to Mr Rooney, his thick Chavvy family, and any visiting prostitutes we may have offended.