Friday, April 27, 2012

Being a grown up sucks sometimes. Like on Friday mornings when your alarm goes off at 5:15 and you were out at the bar drinking vanilla rum and diet Coke with your friends on Thursday night. And then your boyfriend makes fun of you for having to go to work on a beautiful Friday when he has off, and you picture him frolicking in a field of dandelions with your dog while you sit at a desk with a single lightbulb dangling by a thread over your head, surrounded by piles of paper, dust, and dirty coffee mugs.

My office doesn't look like that, but it feels like it.

ANYWAY... it got me thinking about being a kid, and early mornings, or days off and the awesome television that isn't on anymore. And so, here is what I would have marathon viewings of today if I were home with my boy and my pup, eating sugary cereal, and waiting for the milk to get all sweet so I could slurp it out of the bowl.

1. The Muppet Show: Some of the guests and the costumes really date this show, but overall, it's still really funny and entertaining. The humor is timeless, and one of my favorite segments is the ballroom dancing with the one-liners. Corny and hilarious. The Swedish Chef? Come on. He's funnier now than he was when we were kids. Also... Mahna Mahna.

You're welcome. :-)

2. Looney Tunes: It is frustrating and heartbreaking to me that Looney Tunes aren't on anymore. If anyone knows of a channel who reruns them, please let me know. Again, far more entertaining for adults than children, because they weren't made for kids in the first place. There are episodes that I have seen probably 1,000 times that I will still laugh at. Bugs Bunny as the Matador. "Heeeeeey! Quit steamin up my tail!!!" Bugs and Daffy and the Abominable Snowman. "Gosh it's hot..." Foghorn Leghorn and Prissy. "Happy husband huntin' deary!" I'm giggling right now just thinking about it. Bugs got a bad rap somewhere along the way, but that's crap. Compared to the garbage that's on today, I think kids would still be into Bugs. Scooby has survived, so why not?

3. USA Cartoon Express: This was great because it was a whole bunch of cartoons smashed together. JabberJaws, Grape Ape, Captain Caveman, Huckleberry Hound, Josey and the Pussycats... the USA Cartoon Express really didn't have any bad cartoons. They were a bit low-rent compared to some of the flashier stuff, but they were still so entertaining, in the same way kids will be more interested in playing with the giant box that the giant toy came in.

4. Fraggle Rock: "Dance your cares away!" *clap clap* 'Nuff said.

5. The Smurfs: Little blue people who live in mushrooms and sound like they've been sucking helium. It doesn't get better. And I regularly have the urge to shout, "Johann and PEE WEEEEEE!" No one knows that, cuz I don't do it. In public, anyway.

What would your 8-year-old self watch tomorrow morning, when you wake up at the ass-crack of dawn and plunk yourself down in front of the TV, waiting for your parents to get up?

Friday, April 13, 2012

Greetings, Kids. It is Friday the 13th, which strikes fear in the hearts of many superstitious folks. And so, while you are busy driving around black cats, throwing spilled salt over your shoulder, or feverishly gluing shattered mirrors together, here are some lesser-known, and outright strange superstitions that claim to bring a bit more than bad luck.

1. Be sure to crush your eggshells: What's a good superstition without a witch? It was once believed that if you didn't crush the eggshells after eating eggs, a witch would gather the shell and make a boat out of it, which she could then sail out to sea to raise up storms. If you are going to do this in hopes that you will stave off rough weather, take the shells and add them to your coffee grounds before brewing to cut down on the bitterness... If you're going to participate in a wacky superstition, might as well get something practical out if it!

2. Don't put your purse on the floor: According to this superstition, if you put your purse (and therefore your money) on the floor, it means you will lose it. Or, someone will steal it... Orrrr, you'll knock food or a drink off the table into the purse. Which is a huge pain in the ass.

3. Corner of the table = 7 years single: There are many superstitions surrounding marriage, particularly those pertaining to women. This particular one says that a woman who wishes to marry should not sit at or face the corner of a table, for this will doom her to 7 years of singledom. Had I known that, I'd have made that my permanent seat at EVERYTHING... But, I digress. Personally, I think these superstitions were put in place to avoid telling certain woman they were just undesirable. The same way we say rain on your wedding day is good luck. It keeps the bride from going banana sandwich when the dark clouds roll in.

4. Catch a falling leaf: Forget Vitamin C, plenty of water, good sleep, and washing your hands. If you want to avoid catching a cold, all you have to do is catch a single falling leaf. But what would happen if you went out with a wet head to go catch your leaf? This is a mystery for the ages...

5. Paging Dr. Doggie: There are possibly hundreds of superstitions pertaining to cats, probably due to their close link with witches. However, dogs have their own weird superstitions, too. Apparently, if you are sick, if you take a piece of bread and lick it or put it to your lips and then offer it to the dog, the dog's willingness to eat it (or not) will tell you how serious your condition is. Hmmm. I'm pretty sure I could have the Black Plague and my dog would not only gobble up the bread, but lick my fingers in hopes of getting more. A second opinion would likely be in order.