Life as a family of four

A reasonable concern or an unhealthy anxiety?

I’m still stressing though. I was looking at McBean’s growth record last night and two things struck me. The first was that Irma wrote down and charted his length wrong. So he’s really in the 90th percentile (and 25th for weight). The second is that she calculated his month of growth using weights from 4 to 10 weeks – that’s far more than a month. So what she said was only just acceptable (630g) for the month really isn’t for over 6 weeks. And he’s only put on 230g in the last 3 weeks. It doesn’t seem enough to me, even though Irma said he’s thriving (but based on incorrect calculations).

Lazyboo says that he’s doing fine and that I shouldn’t worry. But is she just saying that to assuage my anxiety? She also asks what I want to do about it if I am so concerned and I just don’t know how to answer that. I guess the answer is to stop breastfeeding. My concern is that he’s not putting on enough weight because I still don’t have enough milk for him. And that my insistence on continuing is selfishly and unnecessarily harming him. But I’m so conflicted. Because he is growing. More in length than in weight. And he’s developing beautifully. He’s smiling and laughing and verbalising and responding. He’s grabbing at his toys and reacting to them. He’s rolling over already. He’s super active and quite agile for his age. Would he be doing all that if he wasn’t getting enough food? But is my need to continue breastfeeding preventing further development? Is he suffering because he’s hungry and has just learned to deal with it? The very thought of that makes me so sad.

But every time I think about stopping the breastfeeding I feel awful. I don’t want to stop. And I baulk at the thought of feeding him bottles at every feed. But is all that just about my needs and ignoring his?

I think about how the breastfeeding is actually going and it’s all very confusing. There are some really good signs that it’s well established and going well. He seems satisfied after most feeds. He’s sleeping well. I can hear him swallowing and gulping when he feeds. I get engorged when he doesn’t feed for a long time (overnight). He has plenty of wet nappies and enough dirty ones for a breastfed baby. Yet there are other signs that things aren’t so good. Like his fussiness at the breast and refusal to attach at times. Is he trying to tell me that he just isn’t interested or that there’s not enough for him there or is it that he’s lazy and doesn’t want to work at getting the milk? After most feeds, he lets go of the breast crying or fussing and takes a few minutes to settle (after which he’s usually happy and settled until he gets tired). Sometimes he needs to burp but not always. After we give him a bottle (almost always with a slow flow teat but thanks for the tip giggleblue!), he seems stunned and doesn’t need settling unless he needs to burp. And I still can’t express much – 70ml (less than 2.5 ounces) is the best I can do.

Irma laughed that he’s a long piece of spaghetti. But is he only that way because I’m selfishly insisting on not feeding him enough?

The truth is that I feel like I’m failing at this. And that if I give up I’ve completely failed him. Logically and rationally I know that it’s a biological issue – my body just doesn’t make as much milk, and especially without the drugs, as most women. And I’ve done everything I can and worked so hard to make this work. But I just can’t seem to be logical and rational about it. I just feel inadequate.

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4 Responses

Oh gosh, I have been exactly where you are! It is so hard when you don’t have an ample supply. I can’t help but feel envious of my friends who complain – actually complain – about how much spare milk they have in their freezer because they can express so damn much. I’ve never been able to express much and my baby (who I call Little Bean, by the way) is a long, thin type too. At 8 months she was on the 90th for height and the 5th for weight. Oh dear. She’s now chubbed up quite a lot (she’s almost 11 months) despite becoming so active and I’m not sure why. I could attribute it to more solid food, or just her stage of development, but I actually think I have a little more milk. It’s weird. But there it is. Anyway – I just wanted to say, I know someone who switched to formula due to slow weight gains and never saw an improvement. All the things you list show that your baby IS getting enough. There are lots of reasons for fussiness at the breast, beyond hunger or fullness. Sounds like you have a supportive MCH Nurse and that is great (mine told me to stop breastfeeding.) Try not to lose confidence. No doubt you are doing just fine.
(Sorry for the essay! I just stumbled across this and couldn’t leave without saying something.)

i’m so sorry you’re so conflicted over this. i am blessed and can’t imagine how i’d be in the same situation. my sense though is that you’re doing an awesome job and it really does sound as though Mcbean is fine…but let’s get together so i can tell you in person! i’ll email you when i have2hands.

I know bugger all about breast feeding (yet!) but by your description of McBean’s behaviour it sounds like he’s doing fine. He’s not lethargic or screaming for food, and the wet nappies have got to be a good indication that all is well. Was your donor a tall, skinny type? I think you’re doing a great job. I’m sorry it’s making you feel so insecure and worried.