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Craving Chaos

Photo by R. Donovan

On the lush patio of the resort, she eased into a large wicker
chair to enjoy her drink and dig into her book.It was late afternoon, and the pathways winding from the lobby to the
pool were abuzz with families toting boisterous young children.

The commotion didn’t bother her, as it might have in her
younger days, when all she desired was solace from her children’s endless demands.Now she found the dull hum of background
noise a comforting and companionable reminder of the hectic life she once
lived.

It had been five years since Charles had passed away, and
some days she still had to remind herself that he was gone.She found herself wanting to ask him a
question about football or insurance premiums, and then she’d look up and
realize there was no one to ask.

She could call Jay, who lived in South Carolina, but she wouldn’t
dream of disrupting her son’s busy day with patients or his treasured evenings
with his family, for such trivial matters.She could email Sally, in California, but she wouldn’t want to chance
interrupting her daughter during a client meeting or, heaven forbid, an actual
date.

It seemed like a lifetime ago that those two were little
ones under her feet, playing and squabbling, their six year age difference
making Sally more mother than sister.And there were many times Sally tended to her younger brother and
comforted him when he needed it.Sometimes,
Sally was the only one who could calm him when their mother lost her temper and
raised her voice to them.

Regret is a terrible thing.It can sneak up on you and steal your joy without notice.And maybe if she had possessed the foresight
to know it wouldn’t always be so
hard, they wouldn’t always need her
so much, and someday she would actually miss
all that needing.Well, maybe she
wouldn’t have been so desperately fighting for air.

She considered this now, as she watched the droves of children
hanging on their mothers, whining for a snack or proclaiming that something wasn’t
fair.One young mother, in particular,
caught her attention. The woman sent her
two children off with her husband, she presumed, after slathering them with
sunscreen, and insisting they both wear hats.

As the mother collapsed onto a cushioned lounge chair and cradled
her drink, she watched intently.The woman
heaved a sigh of relief, and she exhaled with her.She sipped the light green concoction, and she
could taste the tart sweetness, right along beside her.

She’d been in those shoes many times and remembered the relief
that descended when left to your own devices, for even a mere fifteen minutes.

And as she sat here alone, so many years later, she wished
she had believed that the day would, in fact, come when she craved that chaos
and all that needing.

It was an essential piece of who she was, and she wasn’t whole
without it.

Oh this made my heart ache! Our 5 yo daughter is growing up so quickly and I am longing to freeze time - and not be too distracted by the chaos. My husband and I work full-time so we only have a precious few hours with her each day. It is going way too fast. Thank you for this.

It does go by so fast! Our daughter is going into second grade, and it seems like she was just starting kindergarten. And my baby is about to be two!! Crazy. Definitely treasure those ordinary days with your little girl :)

Oh man I totally relate! Just recently I discovered that baby teeth can be lost at age five, the same age my son is turning next year and I'm not ashamed to admit I freaked out a little. It's hard enough to imagine him at school but suddenly hitting all those milestones at once seems way too quick.

This is beautifully written. I love the way it flows softly from her thinking about her husband to her thinking about her children. I don't know why, but the description of the drink was very vivid to me and I wish I was on the patio with her!

Ugh... this makes me feel guilty for getting after my almost five-year-old yesterday because she climbs into my lap the minute I sit down anywhere and sometimes I'd just like to sit by myself for a minute. Note to self: slow down mama.

I can totally relate to this. I miss parts of the pre-child peace but I dread the day it returns, knowing I will long for the chaos. How do you return to a less-busy life after stretching yourself to the limit and be content? Loved your writing!