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Gift Ideas

Last Wednesday I had minor surgery on my left leg, and already I’m quite bored with the recuperation. Minor surgery, the doctor said; major OUCHIE, I say. He laid in about 20 surface stitches, after I assured him that I would be very careful. If the stitches and Geri-strips don’t hold, I’ll have to go back for some Frankenstein repairs, so I’m being very, very cautious. I even borrowed a walker. Not very cool looking, but efficient in this time of need.

My husband and I have taken up playing parts in the movie ‘What Ever Happen to Baby Jane.’ I’m Joan Crawford and he’s Bette Davis. When I call him, I yell, “Oh, Baby Jane.” So far, his patience is holding; he hasn’t tried to feed me a dead rat yet.

The whole experience has given me some ideas for gifts to the elderly and infirmed:

1. Cane. (The cane that I bought years ago just because it looked arty is totally insufficient and too tall for me. I had my husband saw off about 2 inches and add a rubber cap. Hopefully, I will graduate from the walker to the cane. If you can not afford to buy your loved one a cane and they already have a cane, the purchase of some new rubber caps would be a good gift.)

2. Clothes with pockets, pockets and more pockets. (This is not such a problem with men’s clothes; however, women’s clothing is another matter. Manufactures are very stingy with pockets on female apparel, and if there is a pocket on girlie clothes, it tends to be very shallow and petite, almost as if it’s there for decoration rather than use. Well, I could go on and on about inferior material, bad craftsmanship and lack of choices for women, but that’s another blog. But…I have always wondered why there are only two sections in stores for girls: a.) the grandma section. b.) the slut section. Are there no in-between clothes for women, like me—not ready for grandma clothes, but well past the slut stage? Whahaha!

4. Wash of clothing, especially bed sheets. (You get the picture. Ah, if I was rich, I have a chauffeur and the maid would change my sheets every day.)

5. Meals and grocery shopping. (This is something to think about prior to any surgeries.)

6. No house shoes. (House shoes or slippers, as they’re sometimes called, are a hazard. I’ve found that double socks work better. The inner pair form-fitting and the out pair a bit more loose.)

7. Co-pays on visits or meds. (Hey, money talks.)

8. Plastic cups with handles and lids for easy transport. (Normally, I don’t like to eat or drink from plastic receptacles, but you do what you got to do.)

9. Band-Aids, gauze, peroxide, alcohol and any sundries such as that. (Some people do try to be conservative with these things, but that’s not a good idea, so load them up, until they protest.)

10. Safety bars. (If you’ve got some doe-ray-me, this is a most-excellent present.)

11. A semi-casual pantsuit. (When I was working in the doctor’s office, I once had a family bring in their old Ma dressed in a complicated frock, complete with girdle, stockings and garter belt. Ridiculous!!!! Of course, the doctor doesn’t care, but the nurses will hate you. After the appointment was over, I gave the old lady back to her family minus the girdle and stockings, which I returned to them in the lobby. Tehee!)

12. Hey, one more gift idea and I’ll have the Twelve Days of Christmas. Okay, I got it. Haircut, manicure or pedicure. (And don’t just hand them a gift certificate, you lazy carp. Make the arrangements and take them down yourself and throw in lunch while you’re at it.)

Author’s Note: Since I started hopping around the house with the walker, I have notice a certain tenderness in certain muscle groups: delts, pecs, and abs. Hey, if this goes on much longer, I could come out of this with some bonuses. Do you suppose all those old folks out there are hiding rocking bods? No, I guess not. Most of the elderly aren’t using walkers to lift their body weight every other step, like I am.