Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Breeker to car connection (Part 2)

5. The watermelon test

As a Breeker, your arms can never come to a point where they are completely next to the sides of your body. The correct Breeker-stance requires that the arms are at least as far apart from the body to facilitate the carrying of a watermelon. The original pioneering Breekers really had no choice with this option, as they arms were just so huge it was the only way they were, however modern day Breekers are not as committed to the cause and often don’t work out at all and therefore need to force themselves into Breeker stance.

6. Sound system

This used to be a lot more of a consistent Breeker ‘tell’, however these days massive and expensive sound systems blaring music so loud that the windows shake are a very common occurrence. The breaker test comes through in that it is still a requirement to have Eiffel 65 blue playing in the car or any remixed version of a song, any song in its original form and the driver is no longer eligible for Breeker status.

7. Breekers don’t walk

Whether it be loitering in a parking lot or wheel-spinning outside of a club, it’s quite clear that you cannot be a Breeker without a car. Breekers don’t walk, or catch the bus or get lifts with friends, to be a Breeker you have to be driving a car, and not just any car, there are Breeker-specific cars.

Breeker cars

Ford Bantam

With just enough seating for a ‘poppie’ in the front seat and an angle-grinder in the back, the Ford Bantam has all the necessities covered without any excess. With its ability to mount curbs and park just about anywhere, the Bantam has no problem leaving an impression.

BMW M3

There might never be a car as classically Breeker as the BMW M3. With ultra aggressive looks and an impossibly gangster feel, the M3 is THE Breeker car. It’s a far too common sight to see a Breeker in a M3 dicing someone at a robot in Benoni at 3AM on his way to a 24 hour Wimpy, and then standing next to his car at the Wimpy, either having an extremely loud conversation with his ‘china’ either on the phone or right next to him or simply just standing next to the car looking like a Breeker.