resentment is the degree to which we allow someone else to trespass our own boundaries.

it hurts when we let someone into the home of our heart, and instead of appreciating this luxury, they wreck everything on their way. at first you can just walk behind them, cleaning up the mess, kindly asking to be more gentle. but at one point enough is enough - you show them the door and smash it loudly behind them. or smash their face. and then the pain comes. how could we have been such fools, to let someone in? how could we let it go on for so long and take it?

i have been really bad at dealing with resentment. there was a person who walked into my life and wrecked all of it, because i let him.
i loved and still love him very much, and apparently he loved me in return, since after i smashed the door behind him, he kept standing on the porch.
eventually i let him in again, but with huge suspicion and mistrust. as soon as a flower was misplaced, i got panic attacks of what might follow.
i was hoping my love...

many years (as far as i can remember) i have been living in fear. the first 15 years this fear was rational, casued by the behavior of my own family.

i’m not 15 anymore, but fear became a pattern of behavior. fear of loosing someone expressed itself either as an attack (mean comments, sarcastic jokes, pretense of dislike, etc.) or as running away (who wants to stay on a sinking ship).

it seemed like this can be avoided only in one way – by controlling the situation. when in a relationship, i had to stay in control at all times. i couldn’t allow things to become too good, since that would mean letting go, forgetting about everything, enjoying, and miss that something bad is happening meanwhile.

if i would screw up with an overly big dose of control, i could compose myself quickly and take a few steps back to fix the situation and let the person breathe a little.

i have felt safe in a relationship twice – the first time when I had 100% control over the guy (and i hated it), the second...

with that i don't mean the cliche middle age crisis - a man wants a new trophy, doesn't want to mature and picks an equal, wants to avoid building a family and settling down, etc., etc.

i mean men, who are mature, who for one or another reason have chosen their path, and have found someone pure, unscarred, teachable, trusting, perfect. someone who also wants to follow this new path of maturity.

i've seen this in action with several men i know - at some point they have made a deccision to change their life radically, while their significant other has grown trired of life, cynical of surroundings, uneager to make an effort for a change, lost belief in change or hasn't experienced anything that would trigger such spark.

it makes sense that these people find their separate ways.

let's say the relationship then has a crisis. if a man finds a younger woman, who is still full of joy and happiness, who hasn't...

its been almost a month since my last entry. have had 3 beers since then. might have overreacted about the issue, but since my body (and wallet) are thankful for this, might as well continue staying away from it.