Have you ever wondered what XMAS would be like if it were a Jewish holiday?

THIS PARODY IS INTENDED ONLY FOR HUMOROUS PURPOSES.
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(c) 1997 Akiva and Ilene Miller.
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LAWS OF XMAS

I. PREPARING FOR XMAS

1. PREPARATIONS FOR XMAS MUST NOT BEGIN(1) BEFORE THANKSGIVING.(2)
THIS APPLIES TO PREPARATIONS WHICH AFFECT THE HOLIDAY MOOD,(3) BUT NOT
THOSE WHICH ARE DONE IN PRIVATE.(4)

(1) This contrasts sharply with Shabbos, for the mitzva of honoring
Shabbos applies all week long. For example, if one finds a
particularly good food during the week, one should save it for Shabbos
even though it is now only Sunday and Shabbos is a week away. However,
Xmas preparations may not begin too far in advance, in order to
fulfill the dictum, "It's beginning to look a lot like Xmas."

(2) This is because of the principle that two festive occasions should
not be mixed into each other. Note the decree of the great R.H. Macy,
who established that Santa Claus may not appear in the Thanksgiving
Day parade until after all the other floats have passed.

(3) Such as setting up the Xmas tree (some say even buying one,) or
playing holiday music on the Muzak.

(4) Such as buying gifts or buying the Xmas dinner turkey. Cooking the
turkey may not be done before Thanksgiving because it will appear to
be a Thanksgiving turkey.

2. SOME HOLD THAT THE TREE SHOULD BE DECORATED IMMEDIATELY AFTER
THANKSGIVING,(5) BUT OTHERS PREFER TO DECORATE IT AS CLOSE TO XMAS AS
POSSIBLE.(6)

(5) For the mitzva of "adding to the yom tov" by beginning the Xmas
season early.

(6) As it is said, "Do not put off for tomorrow, that which can be put
off for the day after tomorrow."

II. THE TREE

1. ANY SPECIES OF TREE IS KOSHER FOR USE AS A XMAS TREE, PROVIDED THAT
IT HAS NEEDLES AND NOT LEAVES. IN OUR LANDS IT IS CUSTOMARY TO USE A
FIR TREE.(7) IT SHOULD BE REASONABLY FRESH, BUT NOT TOO FRESH, IN
ACCORDANCE WITH THE PRINCIPLE "A XMAS TREE WITH NO FALLEN NEEDLES IS
LIKE A SUKKAH WITH NO BUZZING BEES."

(7) If the lady of the house already has a fur, then any evergreen may
be used.

2. THE TREE SHOULD BE CHOPPED DOWN SPECIFICALLY FOR USE AS A XMAS
TREE; IF IT HAD BEEN CUT FOR LUMBER IT IS INVALID. IF THE TREE WAS CUT
FOR GENERAL DECORATIVE PURPOSES, BUT NOT SPECIFICALLY AS A XMAS TREE,
SOME AUTHORITIES ALLOW IT WHILE OTHERS ARE STRICT. A STOLEN TREE IS
NOT VALID FOR THE MITZVAH.(8) FORTUNATE IS ONE WHO IS ABLE TO CHOP HIS
OWN TREE HIMSELF.(9)

(8) One who cuts his own tree must make sure that he has permission
from the landowner to do so. Ideally, cut only from one's own
backyard. A tree taken from a reshus harabim, such as the county park
(which is actually a carmelis, not a reshus harabim,) is considered as
stolen and pasul.

(9) One who is unable to cut his own tree should make sure to purchase
it from a reputable dealer, or one who is certified by a national
kashrus organization.

3. DURING THE SHMITTA YEAR, A JEW MAY NOT CUT THE TREE DOWN, BUT IT
SHOULD BE DONE BY A GENTILE. HOWEVER, SINCE THE TREE IS INEDIBLE, THE
PROBLEMS OF "KEDUSHAS SHVIIS" WHICH APPLY TO THE ESROG DO NOT APPLY TO
THE XMAS TREE.

4. THE TREE MUST BE BRIGHT GREEN. BRIGHT RED, OR A MIXTURE OF GREEN
AND RED, IS ALSO ACCEPTABLE FOR A XMAS TREE(10), BUT BROWN IS
NOT. THERE MAY BE ONE BROWN SPOT NEAR THE BOTTOM OF THE TREE,(11) BUT
IN THE TOP HALF OF THE TREE, EVEN ONE BROWN SPOT WILL PASSUL THE
TREE. A TRULY PIOUS PERSON WILL MAKE SURE TO BRING ALONG A XMAS TREE
EXPERT WHEN HE GOES TO LOOK FOR HIS TREE.(12)

(10) Because such trees do not grow red naturally, many Sefaradim
adorn the tree with red poinsettia flowers. Ashkenazim prefer
poinsettas.

(11) Or even two, provided they are on opposite sides so they cannot
be both seen at the same time.

(12) But it is more macho to pretend to be an expert and pick the tree
out himself.

5. THE REQUIRED HEIGHT OF THE TREE IS SUBJECT TO MANY RULES. AN INDOOR
TREE MUST BE TALL ENOUGH SO THAT IT REACHES WITHIN 3 TEFACHIM OF THE
CEILING.(13) AN OUTDOOR TREE MUST BE AT LEAST 20 AMOS TALL.

(13) Where local fire codes prohibit the use of such large trees, a
smaller tree - even a bonsai - may be used, provided it has toy people
around it who will make it appear tall.

6. THE LAW IS "ETZ ISH U'BEITO" - ONE TREE FOR A MAN AND HIS
HOME. THIS TEACHES THAT INDIVIDUALS MUST HAVE A XMAS TREE AT THEIR
HOME, AND THAT THE MAIN FUNCTION OF THE TREE IS FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE
FAMILY, BUT PUBLIC PLACES ARE EXEMPT. IF ONE WISHES TO PLACE HIS
PERSONAL TREE IN A PUBLIC LOCATION HE MAY DO SO, BUT HE WILL NOT HAVE
FULFILLED HIS OBLIGATION UNLESS IT IS TRULY SEEN BY THE PUBLIC. IN
THIS CASE, "SEEN BY THE PUBLIC" MEANS THAT THE TREE IS LARGE ENOUGH
THAT IT IS SHOWN ON THE LOCAL TV NEWS REPORTS.(14)

(14) This is the origin of the custom of the great tree in Rockefeller
Center, where a shaliach from Lubavitch lights the tree just before
sunset on Erev Xmas, and is then returned to Crown Heights by an NYPD
helicopter in time for the dinner meal.

7. IN RECENT YEARS, THERE HAS BEEN A GREAT CONTROVERSY OVER THE USE OF
MANUFACTURED TREES. L'HALACHA, SOME HOLD THEY ARE PASUL,(15) WHILE
OTHER AUTHORITIES HOLD THEY ARE VALID.(16) L'MAASEH, HOWEVER, EVEN THE
LENIENT OPINIONS HOLD THAT ARTIFICIAL TREES ARE TOO TACKY, AND THUS
VIOLATE THE PRINCIPLE OF "HADAR". BUT IF ONE HAS ALREADY MET HIS
OBLIGATION BY DISPLAYING AT LEAST ONE KOSHER XMAS TREE, HE MAY HAVE
ADDITIONAL TREES OF ANY KIND, NATURAL OR NOT.(17)

(15) Based on the pasuk "Etz chayim hee" ("A tree is alive"), teaching
that even if it looks like a tree, it still cannot be a tree unless it
was alive at some point.

(16) Based on the pasuk "Etz chayim hee" ("It is a tree of life"),
teaching that some trees have life, and others do not necessarily have
life.

(17) Similarly, manufactured trees are acceptable in malls, offices,
and other exempt public places.

8. ORIGINALLY, THE LAW WAS THAT THE TREE MUST BE DISPLAYED SO THAT IT
WOULD BE VISIBLE TO PASSERS-BY OUTSIDE THE HOME. OVER THE CENTURIES,
AS PERSECUTIONS INCREASED, THE PEOPLE INSIDE THE HOME BECAME THE MAIN
AUDIENCE. EVEN SO, IT SHOULD BE DISPLAYED IN A PROMINENT AREA OF THE
HOUSE, TO SHOW RESPECT FOR THIS MITZVAH. WHEN POSSIBLE, IT SHOULD
PREFERABLY BE BY A WINDOW WHERE IT COULD BE VIEWED FROM THE STREET, TO
CONTINUE THE ORIGINAL PRACTICE.

III. DECORATING THE TREE

1. AS WITH ALL MITZVOS, THE TREE SHOULD BE TASTEFULLY(18)
DECORATED. POPCORN TASTES EXCELLENT, AND SOME STRING POPCORN TOGETHER
(WITH NEEDLE AND THREAD)(19) TO MAKE LONG CHAINS WHICH ARE WRAPPED
AROUND THE TREE.

(18) In order to keep children actively interested and participating
in all the goings-on, "tasteful" is defined by the youngest person in
the household. This generally results in displaying all sorts of
holiday projects in school, no matter how tacky or amateurishly done,
giving great prominence to "artwork" which is normally allowed nowhere
but the refrigerator door.

(19) To remind us of the pasuk, "We're all connected." (Nynex)

2. THERE ARE MANY DIFFERENT MINHAGIM REGARDING THE DECORATIONS. THE
MORE DECORATED THE TREE, THE BETTER. ONE MUST BE CAREFUL TO MAKE SURE
THE DECORATIONS ARE PUT ON SYMMETRICALLY.(20)

(20) This is derived from the law that one's head tefillin must be in
the exact middle of one's head, and the similarity of the words
"tefillin" and "tree fallen".

3. TREE DECORATIONS ARE CONSIDERED "MUKTZA L'MITZVASA", "SET ASIDE FOR
ITS MITZVA", AND MAY NOT BE USED FOR ANY PERSONAL USE UNTIL AFTER XMAS
IS OVER.(21) FOR EXAMPLE, EDIBLE DECORATIONS MAY NOT BE EATEN UNTIL
AFTER XMAS. SIMILARLY, SINCE THEY MAY NOT BE USED FOR PERSONAL USE,
ANY DECORATIONS WHICH FALL FROM THE TREE ON SHABBOS OR ON YOM TOV MAY
NOT BE REPLACED(22) UNTIL AFTER SHABBOS OR YOM TOV.

(21) See Siman 9 below for opinons regarding when Xmas actually
ends.

(22) Or even handled.

IV. GIFTS

1. ONE IS OBLIGATED TO BUY PRESENTS, REGARDLESS OF HIS INCOME LEVEL,
FOR EVERY PERSON THAT HE HAS EVER SPOKEN TO IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE AND
THEIR IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBERS. ONE MAY GO INTO SERIOUS DEBT IN ORDER
TO CARRY OUT THIS MITZVAH. PRESENTS MAY BE EXCHANGED AT ANY CONVENIENT
TIME DURING DECEMBER UP UNTIL THE 25TH.

2. REGARDING A CHILD WHOSE BIRTHDAY OCCURS ON OR AROUND XMAS, SOME SAY
TO GIVE HIM A DOUBLE PORTION OF GIFTS,(23) AND OTHERS SAY TO GIVE HIM
A SINGLE PORTION.(24) SOME RESOLVE THIS BY GETTING HIM A NORMAL NUMBER
OF GIFTS, BUT THEY WOULD BE DOUBLE IN SIZE OR VALUE.(25)

(23) Which may cause others to feel cheated.

(24) Which will surely cause him to feel cheated.

(25) Another idea has been to celebrate "Xmas in August". See Rabbi
Edward's opinion below, in section 9:2.

V. THE OFFICE PARTY

1. "WHEN DECEMBER ARRIVES, OFFICE PRODUCTIVITY DECREASES".(26)
BEGINNING AT 9:00 AM ON THE MONDAY PRIOR TO XMAS, ALL REAL OFFICE WORK
STOPS.(27) IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN THE ILLUSION OF DOING REAL WORK,
EMPLOYEES BUSY THEMSELVES WITH TASKS SUCH AS THE COMPANY NEWSLETTER,
OR PLANNING THE OFFICE "HOLIDAY PARTY".

(26) As it is said, "It's a slow time of year."

(27) When that Monday is Erev Xmas itself, this work stoppage is moved
up to the preceding Monday.

2. IT IS A REQUIREMENT THAT ALL COMPANIES CONDUCT AN ANNUAL "HOLIDAY
PARTY" EACH YEAR. THIS HAD BEEN CALLED A "XMAS PARTY" UNTIL 1972, WHEN
THE SUPREME COURT RULED IT TO BE A DISCRIMINATORY NAME. THE TERM
"HOLIDAY PARTY" WAS ENACTED IN ORDER TO MAKE NATIVE AMERICANS, ASIANS,
AND MUSLIMS(27a) ALL FEEL EQUALLY UN-AMERICAN.

(27a) When Ramadan is not in December.

3. THE "HOLIDAY PARTY", IN ORDER TO BE DONE PROPERLY, REQUIRES A GREAT
DEAL OF RITUAL DRINKING AND DEBAUCHERY. "AD'LOYADA" - ONE MUST DRINK
AND CONTINUE DRINKING UP TO(28) THE POINT HE CANNOT TELL THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HIS FAT DUMPY WIFE AND HIS GORGEOUS 22 YEAR-OLD
BLOND SECRETARY.(29)

(28) In this case, "up to" means "ad v'lo ad b'clal" - "up to but NOT
including" the point when he cannot tell the difference. Once one has
reached this point he is excused from further drinking. See next note
for more details.

(29) The example above presumes that he is a male, and his secretary
is a female. However, if his secretary is male, and he has reached the
point where he cannot tell the difference between his fat dumpy wife
and his handsome 22 year-old blond male secretary, then he is
forbidden to drink any more alcohol until Purim.

4. ALL BANKS AND OFFICES MUST CLOSE AT NOON(30) ON THE 24TH OF
DECEMBER SO THAT EVERYONE MAY BE ABLE TO GET HOME IN TIME TO TAKE CARE
OF THE LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS.

(30) Retail establishments remain open until 4 PM on Erev Xmas, and
Toys 'R' Us until midnight. Denny's never closes.

VI. THE FESTIVE MEAL

1. AFTER TZEIS HAKOCHAVIM, THE FAMILY GATHERS TOGETHER FOR THE EREV
XMAS MEAL. THERE ARE VARIOUS OPINIONS AS TO WHAT IS TO BE EATEN AT
THIS MEAL. ONLY FISH IS TO BE EATEN AT THE EREV XMAS MEAL.(31)
ITALIANS HAVE THE MINHAG OF EATING 12 FISHES(32) AT THIS MEAL
CORRESPONDING TO THE 12 DAYS OF XMAS.

(31) When Erev Xmas is on Friday, and the seudah coincides with the
first Shabbos meal, only gefilte fish may be used.

(32) Even on Shabbos, one can easily reach 12 different kinds of
gefilte fish: Rabbi Yosi HaGlili said, How can we show that four
different fishes can make twelve different dishes? Because we ate four
different fishes in Egypt, (whitefish, pike, carp, and
whitefish-pike,) but we are now able to buy them three different
ways. We can buy them ready-to-eat in jars, frozen in loaves, or
ground raw at the fish store. Now, it follows that if there were four
different species, then there are 12 different gefilte fishes. Rabbi
Eliezer said, How can we show that each of the twelve fishes is
actually eight dishes? Because they can be made with or without salt,
with or without sugar, and with or without matzo meal, and there are
eight combinations of those three options. Thus, if there are twelve
fishes that can be prepared eight ways, then there are a total of 96
dishes! Rabbi Akiva said, How can we show that each of the twelve
fishes is actually sixteen dishes? Because each of Rabbi Eliezer's
eight recipes can be made either cooked or baked. Thus, if there are
twelve fishes that can be prepared sixteen ways, then there are a
total of 192 dishes!

2. ONCE THE MEAL IS COMPLETE, THE FAMILY GATHERS IN THE ROOM WITH THE
TREE WHERE THEY SING ZEMIROS AND DRINK EGGNOG.(33) AT MIDNIGHT THE
FAMILY HEADS TO SHUL FOR TIKKUN CHATZOS. SOME OPINIONS SAY THAT TIKKUN
CHATZOS CAN BE SAID AS EARLY AS 8:00 PM,(34) BUT IT IS GOOD TO BE
STRINGENT ON ONESELF.

(33) Eggnog being a milchig drink, some hold that this is the real
reason for eating fish instead of meat.

(34) So that the children will be awake.

VII. SANTA CLAUS

1. FOR MANY YEARS, THE EXISTENCE OF SANTA CLAUS WAS A SUBJECT OF
INTENSE MACHLOKES IN THE ADULT COMMUNITY. IN 1897, A TEAM OF
INVESTIGATIVE REPORTERS WAS COMMISSIONED BY ONE VIRGINIA O'HANLON TO
RESOLVE THE QUESTION. THEIR FINDINGS, CONCLUDED "YES, VIRGINIA, THERE
IS A SANTA CLAUS."(35) THIS WAS REAFFIRMED SEVERAL DECADES LATER IN A
COURT CASE BROUGHT IN NEW YORK COUNTY SUPREME COURT.(36)

(35) New York _Sun_, September 21, 1897

(36) Testimony from the United States Post Office proved to be crucial
in deciding this case, as documented in _Miracle_on_34th_Street_,
1947.

2. IT IS ABSOLUTELY FORBIDDEN TO LIGHT ANY KIND OF FIRE IN THE
FIREPLACE ON THIS EVENING.(37) THOSE WHO WANT TO ROAST CHESTNUTS ON AN
OPEN FIRE SHOULD USE A BARBECUE.

(37) DUH! (But see also below, note 39)

3. TO DEMONSTRATE OUR FAITH(38) IN SANTA, EACH YEAR WE LEAVE HIM A
PLATE OF DONUTS OR COOKIES ON A TABLE NEAR THE TREE, WITH A GLASS OF
MILK TO DRINK. SOON AFTER THIS PRACTICE BEGAN, CHILDREN BEGAN TO
QUESTION WHY THE MILK WAS STILL ON THE TABLE THE FOLLOWING MORNING, SO
THEIR PARENTS ADOPTED THE MINHAG OF DRINKING THE MILK AFTER THE
CHILDREN WENT TO BED. HOWEVER, JUST THREE YEARS AGO,(39) WHILE
DELIVERING HIS GIFTS, SANTA ACCIDENTALLY REVEALED TO A YOUNG GIRL THAT
HE SUFFERED FROM LACTOSE INTOLERANCE, AND THAT THIS IS WHY THE MILK
HAD BEEN LEFT UNDRUNK ALL THOSE YEARS. THE FOLLOWING YEAR, SHE LEFT
HIM A GLASS OF PAREVE SOYBEAN "MILK", AND THIS PRACTICE HAS SPREAD FAR
AND WIDE SINCE THEN. (IN COMMUNITIES WHICH ACCEPT THE USE OF
GOVERNMENT SUPERVISED MILK IN LIEU OF RABBINIC CHOLOV YISROEL, LACTAID
MILK IS USED INSTEAD.)

(38) "I believe with complete faith that he knows if you've been bad
or good, so be good for goodness sake." Ani Maamin #11, daily
siddur.

(39) _The_Santa_Clause_, by Tim Allen, produced by Walter Disney,
1994. This film also showed Santa's new fire-resistant suit which was
developed just that year. Nevertheless, the principle is that a
protective measure is not abandoned even if the reason no longer
exists, and so the ban on lighting fireplace fires remains in full
force.

VIII. OTHER MINHAGIM

1. ONE IS TO RISE EARLY ON THE MORNING OF THE 25TH IN ORDER TO OPEN
THE PRESENTS. THERE IS A SEUDAS MITZVAH WHICH MUST BE COMPLETED BEFORE
SHKIA.

2. MEAT AND WINE MUST BE SERVED AT THIS MEAL. LOTS ARE DRAWN TO CHOOSE
A DESIGNATED DRIVER WHO MAY NOT HAVE ANY WINE.

3. THE MEAT MAY ONLY BE ROASTED. ONE MAY NOT EAT ANY BOILED OR BROILED
MEAT AT THIS MEAL.

4. AFTER THE MEAL, MANY HAVE THE CUSTOM TO RETIRE TO THE FAMILY ROOM
TO WATCH SPORTS ON T.V.

5. KIDDUSH IS NOT RECITED ON XMAS, BUT ONE SHOULD DEFINITELY HAVE SOME
HOLLY.

IX. HAVDALA

1. THERE ARE MANY OPINIONS REGARDING WHEN THE XMAS SEASON IS OVER.(40)
BAIS HILLEL HOLDS THAT XMAS IS OVER WHEN THE LAST ITEM IN THE AFTER
XMAS SALE HAS BEEN SOLD. BAIS SHAMMAI IS STRICT AND HOLDS THAT XMAS IS
OVER IMMEDIATELY AT THE CONCLUSION OF THE FOOTBALL GAME.

(40) Many are confused by the term "twelve days of Xmas", implying
that the Xmas continues until and including January 5. Today, this
view is accepted only by the Eastern Orthodox, who hold that December
26 through January 5 constitute Chol Hamoed Xmas. This view is opposed
by both the Modern Orthodox and the Ultra Orthodox (and even the Non
Orthodox) who hold that Xmas is only one day long, and any context
which seems otherwise actually refers to the Xmas *season*.

2. WALLED CITES CONTINUE XMAS UNTIL THE END OF THE WINNING TEAM'S
TICKER-TAPE PARADE. A RECENT ACHARON, RABBI EDWARD, CELEBRATED XMAS IN
AUGUST; FOR THIS HE BECAME KNOWN AS "CRAZY EDDIE".

X. HAGADA FOR XMAS

This is the fruitcake of our affliction, which our ancestors baked 400
years ago. All who are in need, come and celebrate Xmas with us. All
who are hungry, come and partake of this 400-year-old fruitcake, as it
is written, "Let them eat cake!" This year we watch football in the
living room, next year may the Super Bowl come to our city!

Some have the minhag to place the gift-wrapped presents under the tree
so that they will pique the curiosity of the children so that they
will ask the four essential questions: How come I have presents and
Santa Claus didn't come yet? Why do we drive on the parkway and park
in the driveway? How much is that gorilla in the window? Why did the
chicken cross the road?

We were slaves to our employers, working seven days a week with no
benefits, and then the unions were organized, and decreed a five-day
workweek and many holidays in the end of the year. Now if the unions
had not gotten their act together, then we, and our sons, and even our
grandsons, would still have to work on Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Xmas,
and New Years. But our daughters and granddaughters still await their
salvation.

There are four types of children who ask questions on Xmas: the wise
one, the bad one, the simple one, and the one who does not know to
ask. What does the wise one ask? I don't know; I couldn't understand
him either. Him you must send to a school for gifted children. What
does the bad one ask? He says, "What is this holiday to you?" Because
he excludes himself from the community, you must exclude him from your
table, and he will go back to his employer and get paid double-time
and a half for working on Xmas day. What does the simple one ask? He
simply asks, "What is this?" You will say to him, "This is dinner."
As for the one who does not know to ask, you must go to his room, wake
him up and say, "Next year, remember to come to the table!"

If we would have a beautiful tree, but not have stockings hanging from
the fireplace, it would have been enough. If we would have stockings
hanging from the fireplace, but not get today off from work, it would
have been enough. If we would get today off from work, and not get off
on Erev Xmas as well, it would have been enough. If we would get off
on Erev Xmas as well, but not get presents, it would have been enough.
If we would get presents, but not a delicious dinner, it would have
been enough. If we would have a delicious dinner and no dessert, it
would have been enough. If we would have dessert, but not watch the
football game, it would have been enough. If we would watch the
football game, but not see our team win, it would have been enough.
If we would see our team win, and have a hangover the next morning, it
would have been enough.

(Pick up the eggnog and say:) But we do have a beautiful tree, and we
have stockings hanging from the fireplace, and we got today off from
work, and we got off on Erev Xmas as well, and we got presents, a
delicious dinner, and dessert, and we watched the football game, and
saw our team win, and so we will now toast our team, and pray that we
do not get a hangover tomorrow morning: "Yay team!"

Next year is Purim!

Zmiros

Who knows one? I know one! One is a partridge in a pear tree.

Who knows two? I know two! Two are the turtledoves, and One is a
partridge in a pear tree.

Who knows three? I know three! Three are the french hens! Two are
the turtledoves, and One is a partridge in a pear tree.

Who knows four? I know four! Four are the calling birds! ... Who knows
five? I know five! Five are the gold rings! ... Who knows six? I know
six! Six are the geese a-laying! ... Who knows seven? I know seven!
Seven are the swans a-swimming! ... Who knows eight? I know eight!
Eight are the maids a-milking! ... Who knows nine? I know nine! Nine
are the drummers drumming! ... Who knows ten? I know ten! Ten are the
pipers piping! ... Who knows eleven! I know eleven! Eleven are the
ladies dancing! ...

Who knows twelve? I know twelve!
Twelve are the lords a-leaping!
Eleven are the ladies dancing
Ten are the pipers piping
Nine are the drummers drumming
Eight are the maids a-milking
Seven are the swans a-swimming
Six are the geese a-laying
Five are the gold rings
Four are the calling birds
Three are the french hens
Two are the turtle doves
and One is a partridge in a pear tree.

One little reindeer, one little reindeer,
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.

Then came a cat and ate the reindeer
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.

Then came a dog and bit the cat,
That ate the reindeer,
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.

Then came a stick and beat the dog,
That bit the cat
that ate the reindeer
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.

Then came a fire and burned the stick, ...

Then came the water and quenched the fire, ...

Then came an ox and drank the water, ...

Then came a shochet and slaughtered the ox, ...

Then came the angel of death and killed the shochet, ...

Then came the Blessed Holy One
and slew the angel of death,
That killed the shochet
that slaughtered the ox
That drank the water
that quenched the fire
That burned the stick
that beat the dog
That bit the cat
that ate the reindeer
My father bought for two zuzim.
One little reindeer, one little reindeer.