How JustAnswer Works:

Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.

Get a Professional Answer

Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.Ask follow up questions if you need to.

100% Satisfaction Guarantee

Rate the answer you receive.

Ask Elliott, LPCC, NCC Your Own Question

Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist

Category: Mental Health

Satisfied Customers: 7663

Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

40019946

Type Your Mental Health Question Here...

Elliott, LPCC, NCC is online now

Ive been in a 15+ year relationship with a married man. We

Customer Question

I've been in a 15+ year relationship with a married man. We have an incredibly intertwined love relationship and are best friends. We grew up 2 blocks from each other, went to the same high school and met 20 years later some 400 miles from our home town. Turns out our mothers are best friends. Our children are like cousins. And his wife, a wonderful woman, is one of my dear friends. I left my husband 10 years ago and have been deeply in love and committed to this man since. The pitfalls are extremely obvious, but I have been unable to leave this relationship. He just turned 60 and I am turning 58. We have the most deeply passionate relationship and bring each other tremendous joy. Our relationship has never been about breaking up his family to be together, but in the past year I realize I need, want and deserve more. AND, for the first time in almost 20 years I have allowed myself to meet and get involved with a very kind and loving and stable man who has been divorced from his 25 year marriage for several years and would like to pursue a relationship with me. The solution may seem obviously clear for most, but I am very torn. How do I begin to sort this all out and make the healthiest decision?

Seeking expert counseling is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

You are indeed involved in a tangled web. You say that his wife and you are best friends, yet you did not say if she, or her children, know about your relationship, and if so, how they feel about it.

You say that the solution may seem obviously clear for most, but you am very torn. This is what is confusing to you. These are two separate issues.

Yes, the solution is obviously clear, not only to others, but to you too. This may be the only opportunity to end this relationship with everyone fairly intact.

You are torn, not between two situations, but rather between causing pain or not causing pain. Any transition of this enormity has to cause heartache, and bring tears. No one is dying, however, and there is an opportunity for four people to succeed in having a new start, unencumbered by whatever you had to do for the past 15 years to keep this relationship going.

You had many years to become a couple but never did. Now you finally realize that you want more as you approach retirement age. You want someone to share your life with, not someone to share with someone else. You are not about to move in to his house as a second wife either.

You didn't realize what you were missing, perhaps, until you met this new man. Now it will be hard to turn back, and if you do you will henceforth have regrets, or at least second thoughts, especially at home in your lonely bed.

This is your midlife crisis, a time to rethink your life as you enter your late middle years, and contemplate further into the future.

Sometimes a difficult solution can be made with the help of a simple list or chart. I suggest a list for each alternative man, of pros and cons in having a relationship with each man. The simple act of clarifying your thoughts and crystalizing them on paper will show you the best path.

Your current lover will have to make his own way if you decide to move forward with your life. He has a lot to confront, but it is his to work out, and not yours.

This is a coming of age for you. The very fact that you "allowed" yourself to meet someone else shows that unconsciously that is exactly what you wanted and needed to do.

All sorrow and grief from loss is endured and then fades away. You do not have to lose your friends, but just re-establish the relationship, and have your own partner for the next stage of your life.

I urge you to physically make the list, add to it as needed, and let it guide you to mold your decision. I believe that you will ask wisely and in your best long-range interest.

I hope this new year brings you great joy and happiness, and renewal, if that is what you seek.

Thank you for your helpful and well written response! I intend to "accept" your answer, but I first wanted an opportunity to address the piece I didn't mention. Yes, his wife is aware of our close bond and even of the sexual energy between us and of one indiscretion, which she believes (or wants to believe) was the only one. She is surprisingly accepting and even respectful of our relationship. This is of course a mixed blessing and at times enhances our belief that it could all work out in some way. It can also add to some guilt and sense of betrayal I can feel at times. Our teen sons, (his 2 and my 1), as far as I know, are not aware. My 17 year old daughter has known for over a year. 2 of my close sibs are also in my confidence. All of which has prompted more of my 'reality check' on myself, I'm sure.

I appreciate your non-judgemental words and your seeming understanding of my situation. Your advice is very helpful and I intend to take the time to ponder and to write as you suggested.

I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly.
Thank you very muchCorrie MollPretoria, South Africa

I can go as far as to say it could have resulted in saving my sons life and our entire family now knows what bipolar is and how to assist and understand my most wonderful son, brother and friend to all who loves him dearly.
Thank you very muchCorrie MollPretoria, South Africa

I thank-you so much! It really helped to have this information and
confirmation. We will watch her carefully and get her in for the
examination and US right away if things do not improve. God bless you as
well! ClaudiaAlbuquerque, NM

Outstanding response time less than 6 minutes. Answered the question professionally and with a great deal of compassion. KevinBeaverton, OR

Suggested diagnosis was what I hoped and will take this info to my doctor's appointment next week.I feel better already! Thank you.ElanorTracy, CA

Thank you to the Physician who answered my question today. The answer was far more informative than what I got from the Physicians I saw in person for my problem.JulieLockesburg, AR

You have been more help than you know. I seriously don't know what my sisters situation would be today if you had not gone above and beyond just answering my questions. John and StefanieTucson, AZ

I have been dealing with an extremely serious health crisis for over three years, and one your physicians asked me more questions, gave me more answers and encouragement than a dozen different doctors who have been treating me!! Janet VPhoenix, AZ

35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

X

Ask a Mental Health Professional

Get a Professional Answer. 100% Satisfaction Guaranteed.

113 Mental Health Professionals are Online Now

Type Your Mental Health Question Here...

characters left:

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.