With the 2008 NFL Draft history, every swinging dick across the planet has come out of the woodwork to grade each team’s choices, foolishly assuming people give a shit about their opinion. These assholes try to convince America who the big winners and losers are, and usually the evidence to back their claims is about as credible as a degree in engineering from University of Phoenix. Unfortunately for you, I am one of said assholes, but, make no mistake, my assertion that certain players will be great, or suck balls, is determined much less with empirical evidence, and much more with drunken hunches.

Overall, I grade the 2008 Middie Monsters draft somewhere in the C/C+ range. It wasn’t great, but they didn’t exactly slam their dicks in the door either. I left the draft with the same feeling people probably had walking out of the theater after “Platoon,” depressed as shit, but kind of glad you experienced it. Before you tell Old Steel to go fuck himself, allow me to justify…

Round 1:

Chris Williams (OT, Vanderbilt) was the typical “chickenshit” pick everyone knew was going to be made at #14. Even though a few people wanted Mendenhall here, I give Jerry Angelo credit for not reaching too far, when OT is by far the team’s most pressing need. Williams will start right away at LT, should have a solid career, and the gutless pick is surprisingly something I can’t find too much to bitch about. Sorry to dissappoint. Grade: B+ (Still can’t be too excited about getting the 3rd-4th best player at a certain position) I would have taken: Same

Round 2:

Matt Forte (RB, Tulane) had his name called at pick #44, and that was about two rounds early. It is a very good possibly this kid was still fucking asleep when the Bears nabbed him. Luckily, for sanity’s sake, I was 12 deep into a case of PBR to soften this mortar shell from ruining my day. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE taking a RB early to light a fire under Benson’s lazy ass, but this kid is not the torchbearer I had in mind. His combined average against bowl teams (LSU and MSU) was less than 4 yards per carry, and those were the only two games that provide even a skidmark of what he can do at the next level. Grade: C- (intriguing, but so was Alonzo Spellman) I would have taken: Limas Sweed (WR, Texas)

Round 3:

When Earl Bennett (WR, Vanderbilt) was picked at #70, I lit my fucking hair on fire and danced around the room chanting, “This isn’t happening, KILL ME PLEASE, this isn’t happening.” Are you kidding me??? Bennett has more misleading stats than Forte. This guy had 75 catches in 2007, but, only 20 came against SEC big boys Alabama, Florida, Auburn, Tennessee, Georgia, and South Carolina. THAT’S 3.3 CATCHES A GAME!!! I’m going to stop right now, before the zippo comes out again….Grade: D- (no more explanantion needed) I would have taken: (Assuming Sweed was 2nd pick) Jamaal Charles (RB, Texas)

Marcus Harrison (DT, Arkansas) at #90 is a pick that doesn’t bother me at all. The Bears need help in the interior, and this project player is very high risk/high reward. Good pick. Grade: A- (Hey, I’m not always a prick) I would have taken: Dre Moore (DT, Maryland)

Round 4:

Craig Steltz (S, LSU) at #120 was the Bears second good pick in a row. I hate to make obvious comparisons, but this guy is a ferocious competitor, cast in the mold of Pat Tillman(R.I.P. to a True Patriot). Steltz is a wizard at run support, which is a definite need at the safety position. Kudos Chicago, you’re moving away from my shit list. Grade: A (Worth a shot in the 4th Round) I would have taken: Same

Round 5:

I’m not a huge fan of taking Zach Bowman (CB, Nebraska) with the #142 pick. Bowman has great speed, but spent too much time injured the last two seasons. Hmmmm, reminds me of another DB from Nebraska that shall remain nameless (Mike Brown you fucking idiot). Regardless, this risky pick could pay off Antonio Cromartie style. Grade: C (too risky, even for a guy who once had sex with three hookers at a bachelor party without protection) I would have taken: Owen Schmitt (FB, West Virginia)….Don’t give me that look, the guy had a fucking mohawk!!!

Pick #158 provided more controversy than any of the other borderline retarded picks in this year’s draft. Kellen Davis (TE, Michigan St.) being proclaimed a Bear prompted many fans to ask, “Why in the fuck did we just draft a tight end?” and “Which of these bottles from under the sink will kill me the fastest if internally ingested?” I was graciously so hungover on Sunday, this pick didn’t faze me. Grade: C- (Bad pick, but could be a “red zone asset” according to Mel Kiper Jr., who I live my life around) I would have taken: Andre Woodson (QB, Kentucky)

Round 6:

No picks……time to pee, grab a drink, and get ready for the next round, which had more Bear picks than Rex can ever possibly hope to deliver…..Bah bah bahhhhm.

Round 7:

I’m drunk now, and the only picks I really want to spend any time looking at in this round is Kirk Barton (OT, Ohio St.) at #247 and Marcus Monk (WR, Arkansas) at #248. These were two solid picks to end the draft. Barton anchored the Buckeye line, and Monk is an absolute physical specimen. If Barton can keep his desire and intensity up, and Monk can stay healthy, these two should make the team. Grade: A+ (Doesn’t get any better that late) I would have taken: James Beam (Whiskey, Kentucky)

So there you have it. Another draft in the books, and another summer battle between 2 mediocre/shitty QB’s. My two typing fingers hurt, so if you want more, fuck off till next time…….As always, BEAR DOWN!!!!!!