because, well, I was, of course, ugly. Confused and insecure, I could tell you more

about the fantasy world I wove for myself

than I could any details of my everyday life.

One summer during college, I watched television coverageof the Russian gymnasts competing in the Olympic Games. The women had beautifully sculpted bodies, like racing Thoroughbreds, honed and lean from years spent in the gym. It occurred to me that, if weight training helped to create the gymnasts' looks, it could do the same for me.I went to the strength coach at my university,a middle-aged man who worked with football players, gymnasts, and wrestlers. Of course, he'd neverbefore worked with a woman. Coach Bill developed a routine for me, basically the same as the men were doing,but with lighter weights and more repetitions.In order to avoid developing bulk, he added a lotof stretching exercises to increase my flexibility.Over the next year, I lost about twenty pounds. There must have been dramatic changesin my appearance, but I never saw them myself, notin a mirror (that I can recall) nor in a photograph.I just remember what the measuring tapetold me, 38-25-38, and the fact that nice-lookingmen were coming out of nowhere to hit on me.Having very little social experience to speak of,I had no way of knowing that men who saynice words weren't necessarily nice men.I had worked hard in the gym only to find that I wasexperiencing the opposite end of the same stick;at one end was the chubby girl who was seen as "easy"because she'd be grateful for the attention,and at the other end was the young woman who was "asking for it" because she was fit and took care of herself.The worst of these experiences involved an episodeof date rape that left me physically injured, very ill,and traumatized. I retreated into my shell and,while I maintained my conditioning for many years,I rarely went out and became wrapped up in work,going out on very few dates.Many years later, the toned and shapely womandisappeared into obesity brought on by a sit-downjob as a customer service rep for the IRS. My co-workersand I were under the control of a management staffthat created and maintained a very toxic workingenvironment. I gained weight so fast I was inconstant pain, topping out at about 275 pounds.I retired as soon as I was able, preferring povertyto slowly dying at my desk.Last spring, with the help of my doctor anda dietitian, I began to lose weight. A big part of mysuccess so far has been due to the swimming I do.But I again I find myself having to face old demonsas the rats come out of the cracks in the walls.When I returned to my part-time job last November for an assignment, men who could not have beenbothered with me in May suddenly found a "new girl."One man, of whom I am a bit scared, was offended thatI didn't want to go out with him. He didn't know whyI should be afraid of him because he couldn'trecall ever speaking to me. Uh-huh.I shared the same lunch table with him on two or threeoccasions just last spring. Apparently, I was "invisible,"but as I emerge from my lard cocoon, my existencemay be acknowledged.So ... how do I learn to handle this?Listening to my instincts has helped me to avoidtrouble in the past, but how to I developa gracious way of avoiding bad feelings in the future?