30 January, 2012

How to fool people into thinking you're all that

Because even if your life is in complete shambles, as long as you appear to be absolutely in charge and carpe-ing every single fucking diem then it's alright. You win. No one needs to know that you hate yourself almost as much as everyone else really hates you.

1. Tweet obsessively, and always make sure your tweets point to just how exciting your life is. Tweet multiple photos of yourself at a single party. Your smartphone is, after all, the only thing in your life that isn't repulsed by you. Your twitter feed should be as follows: 80% of it should be photos documenting your hard-partying ways and subsequent follow-up tweets about just how terribly hungover you are or how bad your come down is. Faux-hating on it but totally broadcasting it for the world to see. Because you're the life of the party! 15% of it should be about mundane details of your life that no one gives a shit about, jazzed up with emoticons! The remaining 5% should be nothing but name-dropping everyone you've decided is in the scene and whom, by the very virtue of your having been in the same club as them just that once, or by your single mutual friend on Facebook, render you an A+ scenester by association! Everyone knows that how you appear online is way more important than how you're like IRL.

2. If you're a girl, it's absolutely mandatory that you refer to other females as "babe". Failing to do so would just be unacceptable. I mean, fake girly sisterhood camaraderie should always be forged with and instilled in other girls lest they feel un-babelike and like second-rate females. Bam, you're now a feminist.

3. Proudly proclaim a self-coined description of your style of dressing anywhere that you can. Wear it loud and proud. +30 points if you manage to incorporate the following words: "edgy", "chic" and "vintage" when describing your style. +80 points if you call yourself a "fashionista". Memorize it. Tell it to anyone with ears.

4. Create a list of things you hate that barely even begins to skim the surface of a much larger iceberg of shit that bother you just because.