How 'bout you Jimmie, you an oak man?

February 2005

02/24/2005

The usual suspects crawl out of the woodwork to bemoan the possibility that abortion could be banned in the state. However, one complaint in particular stuck out:

The legislation was decried by opponents who said it would particularly impact rape victims and poor women. Currently, a clinic in Sioux Falls is the only place where abortions are provided in South Dakota. The closest alternative is a Planned Parenthood location in Sioux City, Iowa, about 90 miles away.

"It's a sad state of affairs that we have only one choice (for abortion) right now," said Charon Asetoyer of the Native American Women's Health Care Education Resource Center in Lake Andes. "But if you have to go out of state, the cost of making that trip will be prohibitive."

Well, first off, by my map, Lake Andes is pretty close to Nebraska, so that arguments a little moot.

But my next question is, does anyone know if any if abortion is legal on any of South Dakota's Indian reservations? And if it is legal, would South Dakota law affect that legality?

I mean, there's your potential hypocritical solution right there-- ban abortion in South Dakota, but if an Indian tribe wants to keep it legal, knock themselves out.

BTW, my personal opinion? The law will be declared unconstitutional, but not because it bans abortion, but because it doesn't provide the standard "reasonable exceptions" of rape and incest. If this law ever makes it to the Supreme Court, the case will never be decided on the actual merits of banning abortion, but on that technicality instead. Seriously, which SCOTUS Justice wants to touch this hot potato?

02/12/2005

In the history of the English language, I'm pretty sure no one has ever uttered these words before today:

Actor Tom Sizemore Fails Drug Test with Fake Penis.

Wow.

I mean. . . wow.

During Thursday's proceedings, prosecutors told Judge Baretto that Sizemore failed three drug tests in three days, the first after he was caught using a fake penis sewn into his boxer shorts and filled with a clean urine sample kept warm by a heating pack.

Carney said the ruse was revealed when the temperature of the sample proved too cool to have come from Sizemore's body, and he was asked to remove his pants.

According to prosecutors, Sizemore had been caught once before trying to use a similar device, sold over the Internet under the brand name the Whizzinator, and had failed drug tests on at least five occasions.

Readers, I've always considered Garfield Ridge a "family friendly" blog, albeit a blog for families that enjoy plenty of salty sailor talk and pornographic analogies. But I would never stoop to showing pictures of naked women, as desirable as that is. And I certainly would never show pictures of naked men, as desirable as that is.

Uh, did I just write that? Skip that last bit.

However, I can't resist showing this to you. I apologize in advance, but I must bring you. . . The Original Whizzinator.

I have only one word for this prosthetic of penile perjury: magnificent.

*THIS* device, ladies and gentlemen, is why we won the Cold War. To hell with faux schlongs for the purposes of pleasurable self-gratification-- dildos are for Commie bastards. America builds its mammoth plastic dicks to ensure life, liberty, and the pursuit of scot-free 72-hour crystal binges.

Alas, false testicles are not included with the Whizzinator, but it's assumed that anyone who dares to wear the Whizzinator to the doctor's office packs a pretty hefty pair.

After many great films, like many men ages 18-34 I've grown to consider Tom Sizemore as "America's NCO." His performances in Saving Private Ryan and Blackhawk Down convinced me that if I ever found myself in heavy combat, I'd want the steady, smoldering rage of Tom Sizemore right next to me in that foxhole. Or assisting in a multiple-homicide armored car heist.

Today, I've learned that Sizemore is sized-right for the job. He packs the punch necessary to complete any mission, whether it's punching holes in Tiger tanks, or punching hoes like Heidi Fleiss. He can launch atop a rocket to the Red Planet, or he can launch a stream of lukewarm liberty into a tiny plastic cup. Tom Sizemore is willing to go that extra mile for America, and for meth users everywhere.

Tom Sizemore has all that power, in spite of the fact that a meth habit is like Sizemore's character in the classic Paparazzi: it is going to destroy your life and eat your soul. And it can't wait to do that.

02/10/2005

Jen over at Demure Thoughts wonders why Hilary Duff is turning into Snaggletooth.

Me? I wonder why she's turning into Jenna Jameson:

Uncanny. Well, the mugs, not the jugs.

Some People Are Unhappy Update: In the comments, Friend of Garfield Ridge Allah takes issue with my uncharitable characterization of Miss Duff as "fugly."

For the record, I was a *huge* fan of Hilary Duff while younger (uhhh, can I say that?), looking forward to her expected babelicious adulthood. Alas, in my eyes, that was not to be, as Duff apparently decided-- along with the rest of young Hollywood-- that things like "eating" and "health" were unimportant, and chose whatever means possible to lose her baby fat. Now, I admit, I favor the girls with curves, but c'mon, anyone and everyone should see something wrong here: