Swift

The Trio Who Threw Bottles at Taylor Swift’s House Are Basically Super-Geniuses

A few weeks ago, three individuals laughed in the face of the “No Trespassing” sign erected outside Taylor Swift’s Rhode Island estate (a sign that is reportedly emblazoned with the words “I knew you were trouble when you walked in,” which, if true, is extremely phenomenal). On a June Sunday, these three folks, according to TMZ, “allegedly threw beer bottles and screamed, ‘f--- you,’ to [Swift’s] security guards,” and also reportedly gave the guards the middle finger. Swift was not home during the time of the incident, and the three trespassers were charged with disorderly conduct. At the time, TMZ spoke with one of the three individuals, Tristan Kading, who said that their actions had nothing to do with Swift in particular, explaining “they were just drinking and it got out of hand.” He also said, in hands down the best defense that has ever been given in any context, that they were not, as had been reported, giving the middle finger; in fact, per TMZ, they were “throwing up the peace sign like Taylor does in her ‘22’ music video.”

Well, the three pled not guilty yesterday to disorderly conduct, and . . . it turns out they are all extremely accomplished and impressive over-achievers! (Weirdly, it seems sort of fitting that that would be the case in a Swift-related misdemeanor.) According to TMZ, Tristan Kading, 28, received a degree in chemical oceanography at M.I.T.; Emily Kading, 26, his sister, is a nuclear scientist who is studying to become a nuclear physicist; and Michael Horrigan, 29, received a citation from Connecticut for heroism last year (as did Tristan) when the two of them saved a 12-year-old girl whose canoe had capsized. So maybe they were just paying tribute to Swift’s “22”? Or perhaps they were upset they hadn’t received invitations to Swift’s July Fourth party? Or angry that Swift perma-BFF Karlie Kloss is taking classes at Harvard instead of M.I.T.?

In any event, this should definitely be made into a Sofia Coppola movie, in which Jesse Eisenberg, Rooney Mara, and Armie Hammer play Tristan, Emily, and Michael, respectively. (Hopefully Swift would let Coppola use her house, just as Paris Hilton did for Bling Ring.) The title, of course: “She Knew They Were Trouble . . .”