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Golgo13

Millions of Britons were left rolling their eyes and shrugging to each other today as it became clear that they had all chosen the same day to fake their own deaths in a bid to escape crippling debt, dysfunctional relationships or untenable positions at work.

Families across the London borough of Ealing were left paralysed with fear, unable to go outside last night after receiving a visit from a group of synchronised trick-or-treaters who performed complex dance interpretations of ‘Double-dip recession’, ‘Losing your job’, and ‘House reposession’ on their gravel drives if not given appropriate treats.

For the second day running, an outspoken City trader left interviewers open-mouthed as he admitted that traders ‘don’t really care that much’ about the prospect of red squirrel extinction in the UK either, and that rescue packages being put together to bail it out were ‘doomed’.

Mary Childs, an outspoken professor of early-21st century history at Cambridge University, has sparked academic furore by casting doubt on whether Katie Price, the most well-regarded author of the age, was responsible for writing the entirety of her canon of works.