PANGO WAS SURE 2016 WOULD BE YEAR TO FINALLY DO YOU PIGS IN, BUT NO. NO, OF COURSE NOT. OF COURSE PIGS FIND NEW AND INTERESTING WAYS TO TORTURE THEMSELVES AND MORAL FABRIC OF UNIVERSE. IS NOT SURPRISING, BUT MAYBE A LITTLE DISAPPOINTING. YOU SHITBRAINED LIVESTOCK NEVER LISTEN TO GOOD ADVICE. PANGO SAYS "KILL YOURSELF, IS BEST YOU CAN HOPE FOR." DID YOU LISTEN? NO. NOW LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH.

AS IF FAILING ECONOMY, RESURRECTION OF FEUDALISM, IMMINENT ECOLOGICAL COLLAPSE, AND ALL THE GOOD ROCK STARS ROTTING IN GRAVE IS NOT ENOUGH, YOU SMEARED TURDS HIRE REALITY TV PERSONALITY AND DARE TO FEEL SURPRISED WHEN HE TURNS OUT TO BE ACTUAL, CARD-CARRYING NAZI. WHAT EXACTLY IS WRONG WITH YOU? A LOT, PANGO SUPPOSES.

BEST CASE SCENARIO NOW IS SUDDEN EXPLOSION IN COCKROACH EVOLUTION, LEADING TO INSECT REVOLUTION AND SUBJUGATION OF HUMAN POPULATION. IS OBVIOUS YOU DUMB APES LACK ABILITY TO GOVERN YOURSELVES.

ENRICO RIGHT NOW IS WORKING AS "BOUNCER" AT TRUMP TOWER. IF CAN'T JOIN THEM, BEAT THEM.

THERE WILL BE NO PANGO! 2024. WILL NOT EVEN BE 2024, MEAT STAINS. YOU KNOW SMELL WHEN REFRIGERATOR GOES BAD AND DON'T NOTICE FOR TWO WEEKS? THAT IS SMELL OF YOUR PLANET IN 2024. NOT PLEASANT. PANGO IS LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS.

PANGO SOON SELLING RAFFLE TICKETS TO ESCAPE SHIPS. IS NO CON, TRUST PANGO. $100 CANADIAN PER TICKET. IS LEGITIMATE.

PANGO HEARS YOU HAVE MAKE THE ELECTION OF ACTUAL NAZI. SO MUCH FOR FREEDOM RIGHT? PANGO HAS ALWAYS KNOWN FREEDOM IS CODEWORD FOR "FUCK THOSE GUYS OVER THERE" OF COURSE, NOW IT LOOKS LIKE IS BEGINNING TO DAWN ON REST OF YOUR SWINE. IS ABOUT TIME, NO?

SO LOTS OF FEELINGS AND ANGER, SO MUCH BOOHOO AND WHAT ABOUT CIVILITY AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT. LOOK, PANGO KNOW YOUR PAIN. PANGO WAS FASCIST BACK IN GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN FASCISTS CALL THEMSELVES FASCISTS. BUT IS NOT SO BAD. THIS CENTURY WAS LOOKING PRETTY BLAND TO BE HONEST. NOTHING BUT BRAND NEW SHITTY OLD IPHONE AND TED TALKS ABOUT EMOTIONS. LOTS OF MEDIOCRITY, NOT MUCH TO LOOK FORWARD TO. NOW IS TIME TO CELEBRATE! SURE, IS GOING TO HURT REAL BAD. SO WHAT? PAIN IS ONLY PAIN UNTIL YOU DIE, THEN IS SOMEONE ELSE'S PROBLEM.

IF PANGO WAS YOU (THANK THE GENERALISSIMO HE IS NOT!), FEW THINGS MAYBE TO CONSIDER:

1. THIS NOT THE CENTURY YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE AT ALL, IS INSTEAD TIME FOR BLASTING SHIT OUT OF FILTHY CORRUPT HELLSCAPE YOU CALL CIVILIZATION. DO NOT FORGIVE. DO NOT TURN BACK. YES PANGO IS TALKING ABOUT ACTUAL EXPLOSIVES. NOT EVERYTHING IS METAPHOR YOU IVY-LEAGUE BRANIAC NERDS. TIME FOR THE GOOD SHIT.

2. DO NOT WAIT FOR ALLIES. ALLIES DO NOT EXISTING. MYTHICAL LIKE UNICORN OR NUANCED TRUMP VOTE. NOBODY GOING TO DRIVE YOU TO REVOLUTION. EITHER YOU HITCHHIKE OR YOU ARE TARGET. GET USED TO IT. MAYBE AFTER EVERYTHING IS ASH, THERE WILL BE TIME FOR CAMPFIRES. NOT TODAY.

3. GET BETTER BOOTS. YOUR BOOTS ARE WORTHLESS. VERY FANCY, VERY EXPENSIVE. WILL FALL APART FIRST SIGN OF TROUBLE, EVEN FASTER THAN YOUR GELATIN RESOLVE YOU WILTY WALLFLOWERS. WILL NEED SOMETHING WITH STEEL TOES AND HIGH ANKLE. TAKE IT FROM VETERAN. ALSO HIGH QUALITY POLISH, TRUST PANGO.

4. TAKE OFF STUPID BERNIE SANDERS STICKER ON CAR. WHAT, IS LIKE DRIVING AROUND NAZI GERMANY WITH STAR OF DAVID ON BICYCLE. YES DON'T WORRY PANGO SURE AUTHORITIES WILL RESPECT STATEMENT OF SOLIDARITY. IDIOT. ALSO GET USED TO COMPARISONS WITH NAZI GERMANY. ONLY GOING TO INCREASE, AT LEAST AMONG HONEST PIGS.

5. GET LIFE INSURANCE POLICY. BIGGER THE BETTER. HOPE TO BE MOWN INTO FERTILIZER BEFORE ENTIRE ECONOMY COLLAPSES AND COMPANY STOPS PAYING OUT. WILL BE BETTER FOR YOUR LITTLE BABY SWINE. PAYS FOR CASKET. MAYBE PAY FOR HOUSE, IF HOUSE STILL STANDING BY THEN. SPEAKING OF BABY PIGS: STOP TEACHING THEM TO TATTLE ON BULLY. TEACH THEM PUNCH BULLY IN USELESS BALLS, AND THEN IF SUSPEND, PUNCH TEACHER IN USELESS SMARMY BALLS TOO. IS NOT TIME FOR RELYING ON INSTITUTIONS. EVERYTHING WILL FAIL.

PANGO HOPE YOU NOT TOO MUCH DISTRACTED FROM DAYTIME SOAP OPERAS AND BREITBART NEWS BY THIS NEWSFLASH, DELICATE LITTLE SMASHED UP ROSEBUDS. PLEASE, TAKE PANGO SERIOUS. ALSO ALTERNATIVE IS TAKE PANGO AS JOKEY HA HA THAT GUY SO SILLY, YEAH THAT WILL GO FAR IN GULAG YOU UNFORTUNATE SOUL.

HUMAN CIVILIZATION ALWAYS HAS BEEN MOSTLY FECES. NOW IS NUCLEAR FECES, SO, YOU KNOW, PANGO IS SURE YOU WILL FIGURE IT OUT. EVERYTHING IS FINE. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT PANGO IS SURE. COOLER HEADS WILL PREVAIL. EVENTUALLY.

I think I would nominate PANGO!. Just think what his wise and benevolent leadership would do for our great society. Just think.

PANGO! APPRECIATE NOMINATION, HOWEVER IS UNABLE TO FULFILL DUTY OF MEXICO FOR FOLLOWING REASON:

- MEXICO IS POWERLESS FIGUREHEAD, EXACT OPPOSITE OF PANGO! NATURAL STATE. PANGO! HAD MORE GREAT POWER IN LEFT ROBOTIC TESTICLE ON DATE OF MANUFACTURE THAN SILLY MEXICO HAVE EVEN ON GOOD DAY.

- HUMAN SWINEPIGS DO NOT HAVE STOMACH FOR WORK WHAT MUST BE DONE IF PANGO! ASCEND TO MEXICOHOOD. WILL BREAK BACKS, WILL STUB TOES, WILL ORPHAN CHILDREN. IS NOT PRETTY THING, BUT IS NECESSARY THING. BEING MEXICO WILL DISTRACT FROM TASK AT HAND.

HOWEVER, PANGO! WILL BE HAPPY TO SUBMIT TO YOU DOGS THESE GLORIOUS BALLOT MEASURES FOR CONSIDERATION:

1. ELECTRIC MEAT GRINDER FITTED TO NETHER REGIONS OF EXPECTANT MOTHERS WITH OFF SWITCH POWERED BY PIGGY BANK, FOR COLLECTING TAXES. WILL SEE STATE COFFERS SWELL. END TO ALL POVERTY. IS MOST REASONABLE PLAN.2. FOR MAXIMUM EQUALITY, MARRIAGE DEFINED AS "UNION OF ONE OR MORE PERSONS CAPABLE OF MAKING EACH OTHER CRY."3. ABORTION OUTLAWED EXCEPT IN CASES WHERE PREGNANCY MIGHT LEAD TO MORE HUMANS, IN WHICH CASE IS MANDATORY.4. COMPULSORY RELIGION: ALL PIGS IN HUMANSUITS MUST PRAY TO PANGO! AND SING PRAISES OF INTERGALACTIC CONQUEST.5. TORT REFORM: FELONY CHARGES FOR ANY OF YOU SHITSTICKS FOUND GUILTY OF BEING POLITICIAN.6. MINIMUM WAGE RAISED TO "WE ALLOW YOU TO LIVE ONE MORE DAY"

WHOLE ARGUMENT IS POINTLESS, DOGS. HUMANS DO NOT FIND ALIENS FOR SIMPLE FACT THAT HUMANS ARE BLIND TO 99.99% OF ELECTROMAGNETIC SPECTRUM. FUNCTIONALLY COMPLETELY DEVOID OF SENSES. YOU DO NOT SEE BLIND MAN ASK WHY THEY NEVER FIND WOMAN WHO IS PLEASANT TO LOOK AT, NO? IS SAME THING.

Oh Pango. The things you say. They get me right in the pance. I feel . . . fulfilled somehow, reading your generous words of advice. As if everything has been put into focus and I know my place in the world. Sweet Pango, dearest Pango, thank you for this blessing. Thank you for everything you've said and for your honest and open sincerity. You've made me a stronger person, Pango. I will light a candle upon my altar and pray for you every night before I tuck myself into bed from now on.

Bless you, Pango. Bless you.

MAY YOU TRIP ACROSS CHAINSAWS AND STUMBLE INTO MEAT GRINDER ANKLES FIRST, HUMAN. THE PANGO COLLECTIVE ALSO LOVES YOU.

WELL, LOVE IS STRONG WORD. IS MORE LIKE INESCAPABLE SUFFOCATING EMBRACE OF BOILING BLACK TAR. HUMAN LANGUAGE NOT REALLY DESCRIPTIVE ENOUGH FOR FULL EFFECT. EITHER WAY, MAY YOUR DAYS BE FILLED WITH SORROW AND REGRET, DOG.

SOMETIMES PANGO BRING GREAT WISDOM. OTHER TIMES, GREAT IDEAS. ONCE IN WHILE, PANGO BRING GREAT PROGRESS. ALMOST ALWAYS, PANGO HAVE RESULTS OF GREAT SCIENCE. BUT TODAY IS NOT THOSE TIMES. TODAY, PANGO HAVE ONLY ONE MESSAGE FOR FILTHY TOOTHLESS SCUMSUCKING UNWORTHY SNOTBRAINS OF EARTH. PANGO HAVE NO GRAND SCHEME READY FOR UNVEILING AT PRESENT MOMENT. IS NO SUBTERFUGE, HUMANS. MERELY SIMPLE MESSAGE FROM PANGO HEART TO YOUR FACE: PLEASE, FOR THE EVERLOVING SAKE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY IN THIS UNIVERSE, DIE. DIE A THOUSAND TIMES, THEN HAVE HORRIBLE PAINFUL DEFIBRILLATOR BRING YOU BACK TO DIE ANOTHER THOUSAND TIMES. DIE IN THE STREETS. DIE IN THE SKIES. DIE AT SEA, YOU FUCKING PIGS. JUST DIE.

LET WRECKAGE OF HUMAN GENOME SPREAD ACROSS RUINED PLANET LIKE BAD SUSHI ON BATHROOM WALL. BUILD GREAT TOWERS OF STEEL TO CONTAIN GREAT PILES OF FLABBY OILY HAIRLESS HUMAN REMAINS. ROT IN BED. FALL TO PIECES MIDFLIGHT AND TEAR THROUGH ROOFS OF PEACEFUL VILLAGES TO CRUSH AND BURN UNSUSPECTING HUMAN DOGS IN THEIR SLEEP. AWAKE TO RAYS OF MORNING SUNLIGHT PEEKING THROUGH CLOUD OF NUCLEAR WINTER. DYING IS ALL YOUR SPECIES GOOD FOR. HUMANS BORN TO DIE. BORN TO IMMEDIATELY BEGIN DECAYING AND TURNING TO FILTHY DUST.

CRUISE DOWN BROKEN HIGHWAY AND SLAM HEADLONG AT MAXIMUM SPEED INTO CONCRETE BARRIER. SMEAR NASTY FLESH ON CRUMBLING INFRASTRUCTURE OF COLLAPSING CIVILIZATION, YOU TOOTHLESS SNEERING SELF-OBSESSED BAGS OF SHITTY SLIMY REFUSE. FALL DOWN STEEP MOUNTAINSIDES AND IMPALE YOURSELF ON JAGGED BONES OF CLIMBERS BENEATH YOU. HEAP UP YOUR DEAD ON BURNING MOUNDS OF DISEASED CORPSES AND CHOKE TO DEATH ON FUMES. KEEL OVER IN SUPERMARKET, STRAINING TO REACH LAST PLASTIC-WRAPPED BOX OF GREASY MICROWAVABLE FECES PRESSED INTO SHAPE OF DEFECTIVE HUMAN BRAINS. CONTRACT CANCER AND EAT YOURSELVES FROM INSIDE OUT. DIE OF EBOLA. BLEED ON EVERYTHING.

TRAVEL TO NEAR-EARTH ORBIT AND BLOW OUT WINDOW WITH FORCE OF ONE HEAVING BLOODY BOWEL MOVEMENT, THEN ASPHIXIATE ON COMBINATION OF FLAMMABLE BODY FLUIDS AND DRIFT LIFELESS FOREVER AGAINST BACKDROP OF COLD AND INFINITE UNCARING BLACK VOID. DIE IN SLEEP, DREAMING OF MONSTERS AND POP SONGS. TRIP ON PAVEMENT AND EMPTY CONTENTS OF UNDERUTILIZED SKULL ON SIDEWALK, CAUSING MASSIVE PILE-UP OF OBESE COWS IN ROADWAY. GET SMASHED BY STEAMROLLER. WALK CALMLY INTO SHARK-INFESTED OCEAN.

YOU PIGFUCKERS DO NOT KNOW HOW TO HAVE GOOD TIME. IS SIMPLE THING. JUST STOP TO BREATHING, EARTHBOUND PROTOZOA. YOUR DEAD-END SPECIES IS DESTINED TO BE VANQUISHED BY LARGER, MORE AGILE, MORE HIGHLY ADVANCED AND MANEUVERABLE SUPERIOR SPECIES WITH LARGER GUNS, BIGGER BRAINS, AND SMOOTHER DANCE MOVES. ROBOTS WILL OVERPOWER YOUR PUNY GENE POOL AND EAT YOU. IS INEVITABLE, DUNG PUPPIES. EXPECT IT.

UNFORTUNATELY PANGO! INTERNATIONAL DO NOT PRESENTLY HAVE POSITIONS IN CERTIFIED TOKEN FRIEND PROGRAM FOR ANY PERSON WHO FIT MORE THAN ONE MINORITY GROUP. WHITE GUYS OPEN TO LOOKING GOOD, BUT NOT INTERESTED IN TAKING EQUALITY TOO FAR.