Shy Girl

Breaking free from the shackles of shyness.

In class the teacher would ask a question, and I knew the answer. But the clutches of fear wrapped their claws around me, making it impossible for me to speak up. I would keep quiet while somebody else answered.

On the very rare occasion I would somehow push my overwhelming shyness aside, force my hand up and wait for the teacher to call on me. I would give my answer and feel my face begin to burn. My flaming cheeks would quickly attract my classmate’s attention. “You’re so red!” someone would laughingly shout out, and my face would turn even redder.

My timid nature intensified after the passing of my brother when I was a young girl. I was completely heartbroken. But I could never talk about it with any of my friends. I wanted to. Sometimes I wanted to talk so much I thought I would burst, but I just couldn’t. The words, along with all my pain, remained locked inside me. I wore the mask of a smiling, golden girl and nobody saw the real me.

If I didn’t share my dreams then they could never get shattered.

My thoughts, feelings and dreams were kept firmly locked inside myself. It was easier that way. If I didn’t open up then I couldn’t get hurt. If I didn’t share my dreams then they could never get shattered.

What was my dream? I wanted to sing. I sang all the time in front of my bedroom mirror, hairbrush in hand, imagining I was singing on stage to a devoted audience. In reality, if I knew there was someone within listening range, I couldn’t even sing a single note.

This was the story of my life until just a few months ago.

I was taking my baby for a walk when I happened to see an advertisement for the Jerusalem Women’s Choir. I stared at it with longing and took down the number. It was not the first time I had saved a number like that…voice training, choirs, musicals…But I’ve never managed to pluck up enough courage to even make the phone call. I didn’t think I'd actually call this time either.

I mentioned the choir to my husband later that day. “Do it!” he told me. “You’ll love it!”

I knew he was right, but the thought of calling some strange woman, auditioning for some scary choir and singing in front of real people terrified me. It took me over a week to talk myself into making that call, but at last, I did it.

And now, after all those years of dreaming, I’m actually in a choir! I can’t say I’m ready for a spotlight solo yet, but we’ve already performed in our first show in front of a thousand women…and there was not a hairbrush in sight!

Reaching Out

It was around the same time when I decided to attend a writing seminar. We each had to prepare a piece of work -- something personal, something that affected us deeply. My brother sprang to the forefront of my mind. But I could never write about that! I told myself firmly. It’s too painful!

After a few days of intensive thought, I eventually put pen to paper.

It wasn't easy digging so deeply into the past. It wasn't easy finding the right words to express the pain that I had felt so long ago. Nobody said it would be.

I found the writing experience very therapeutic. And I was adamant that I would never let anybody actually read it. No way! It was far too personal.

But while I was writing my article, I bumped into a girl who had recently lost her mother. She was devastated. I wanted to reach out to her. “My brother died when I was little.” I heard myself say. “I know I can’t even imagine what you’re going through,” I continued, “but if you ever want to talk, I’m here for you.”

I realized the impact I could make by reaching out and bringing comfort to others.

And she did. She wanted to talk to someone who knew what it felt like to lose someone precious to them. So for the first time, there in the street, I talked.

I realized the impact I could make by reaching out and bringing comfort to others. So I decided to share my article across the globe on Aish.com.

And now I feel like I’m finally allowing myself to become me. It’s like my wings were glued to my sides. At last, I am venturing out of the safety of my cocoon and my wings are finally opening. And it turns out, they are big and beautiful and vibrant and colorful.

When an obstacle stands in our way, we often shudder, take a step back and tell ourselves, We can’t. But God knows we can overcome these hurdles. He wants us to reach our greatest heights so He puts mountains before us. Without these mountains we could never get so high.

He knows we can do it. He believes in us. We just need to believe in ourselves, and then we really can do anything.

When we have faith in ourselves, when we don’t limit ourselves to the fixed parameters of what we think our capabilities are, then we will see that hey, just maybe, we can.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 20

(20)
Lucire Sungkit,
July 30, 2011 3:07 AM

I really can understand your feelings...... my mother pasted away a few years ago...... and for me too it is sooo hard to talk to anybody..... but through your story I realy got a lot of power and may soon I also can talk about it and feel finaly free. Thank you for sharing that personal part of your life with us!!!

(19)
Anonymous,
November 26, 2009 8:11 PM

woow thats an amazing story! I really can understand your feelings...... my mother pasted away a few years ago...... and for me too it is sooo hard to talk to anybody..... but through your story I realy got a lot of power and may soon I also can talk about it and feel finaly free. Thank you for sharing that personal part of your life with us!!!

(18)
Anonymous,
November 26, 2009 7:21 AM

Beautiful message!

Danielle Rosen never said that there’s anything wrong with being shy per se. Rather it was her overwhelming shyness that stopped her from achieving what she knew was her potential. She did not say that she that she eradicated her shyness completely, or that there was a need to. Only when her shyness prevented her from climbing her own mountains did she need to face her shyness head on.
Thank you for such a beautiful message!

(17)
Susan,
November 26, 2009 1:36 AM

I Was Touched by Your Article About Your Brother

I believe I read the article about your brother a few weeks ago. If that was you, I want you to know I was very moved by that article, and I thank you for sharing your wise and deep thoughts with all of us. I hope you now have a new understanding of yourself, your abilities, your shyness, and appreciate that when you share of yourself in this way, how much we value you and learn from your experiences, and from your ability to articulate what you've learned.

(16)
Anonymous,
November 25, 2009 9:23 PM

Don't Stop!

Now that you have begun to share your personal stories and feelings; don't Stop! May your soon-to-be published book be as inspirational, if not more, than the beautiful articles you have written so far. Thank you Danielle.

(15)
Anonymous,
November 25, 2009 6:02 PM

...whatever!

Whatever the definition of shyness or modesty, everyone can agree that this is a fantastically written article that can be appreciated by everyone (even a boy, as I am). And anyway I am sure that noone is saying in any way that the author is immodest - focus on the real message of this article!

(14)
Anonymous,
November 24, 2009 8:46 PM

shyness is not modesty

The most modest man in history was Moshe Rabeinu. Yet he gave commands to make a whole nation move. Modesty is recognizing ones insignificance vis-a-vis G-d.

(13)
Mordechai Farkas,
November 24, 2009 5:46 AM

Mosesty vs Tzniyus

To # 12 (responding to # 9): You are perhaps coorect in your definition of modesty. Shame (booshah in Hebrew) and tzniyus or "natural modesty" as the comment called it is, however not the same thing as your modesty. Although not currently PC, the Torah's view of women in terms of their relationship to and in the outside world is that they are supposed "quiet" - low keyed, not distracting. Whether in the way the dress, talk, or work, their behavior should not attract others' attention. It is possible that anon (# 9) did not read the entire article or the author's other article and simply saw this as an opportunity to raise a very important and Torah-true concept. The trait of "tzniyus" is not reserved for women and talmidei chachomim (Torah Sages) are referred to as "tznuyim" (modest ones) in Talmudic texts. Jews are considered people who are naturally reserved. I hope this clears up any questions.

(12)
Replying to #9,
November 23, 2009 10:33 PM

in response to #9! ... Modesty is not shyness!

Modesty is the way to behave in regards your relationship with God and other people whereas shyness is an introvertive characteristic.
It seems Danielle herself shows you that she can break free from being shy yet remain modest at the same time- by joining a Women's Choir she retained her modesty (by not singing to men) and was able to overcome her shyness.
Danielle should be a lesson to us all, and if you read her other article "Losing My Brother" you will get a better picture of this!

(11)
Anonymous,
November 23, 2009 9:20 PM

My Empty Voice

As I read your beautiful words, once again, I realised that they sounded somehwhat familiar...I have been forever scared to answer, forever embaressed to share MY dreams, forever shy. Thank you for helping me to express MY empty voice. It takes a lot of courage to reveal your innermost fears and thoughts. Please keep writing. Keep reaching out to others with your perfect words. You are a true inspiration.

(10)
Anonymous,
November 23, 2009 6:54 PM

beautiful

this article touched me so deeply...it is so honest and true, and written so well. thanks for pushing yourself to inspire so many people...great job.

(9)
Anonymous,
November 23, 2009 4:46 PM

How Do You Spell Shy?

We used to call it "natural modesty." Why would you want to break away from one of the three characteristics of the Jewish people - kind, merciful, and modest? Should we stop giving charity? Should we stop having pity? Why stop being shy?

...i've never looked at challenges in this way - "He wants us to reach our greatest heights so He puts mountains before us" - He puts the mountains (challenges) there in order for us to become better - AMAZING!

(6)
Anonymous,
November 23, 2009 11:59 AM

becoming a mountain climber

i've just read your article again (and again). It has really helped me. I recently learned what my 'mountains' were but didn't know how to overcome them (I didn't even want to) but now I am looking forward to climbing that mountain in the hope that through my climbing I could reach new heights

(5)
Anonymous,
November 23, 2009 4:05 AM

beautiful story

Your story resonates with so many people---especially me! Thanks for sharing and keep flying with your new wings.

(4)
ruth,
November 23, 2009 3:20 AM

sweet honey in the rock

I am moved by your lovely story of how you "found your voice" and I am so glad you are now singing in a choir. Yes, it's a journey, and your words about the journey are poetic and true. To climb the mountain is to overcome the obstacles in your path, and that makes the ultimate destination that much more powerful. Yes, God is in the wings, and you might perceive that when you soar, God soars too.

(3)
Anonymous,
November 23, 2009 1:58 AM

oh, my

oh, my gosh! this article could have been written by me! i was so painfully shy for so many years. it is only when i forced myself to start giving that i found myself. G-d bless you and thank you for sharing.

(2)
Minni L,
November 22, 2009 6:16 PM

inspiring messages

i read both of your articles and they are very inspiring. You are an excellent writer and I am very moved by your words (especially the 'Losing My Brother' essay). I hope that you continue to sing and especially write! God bless

(1)
julie,
November 22, 2009 4:50 PM

You are a brave woman!

Thank you for sharing your story about finding and using your voice with the help of G-d.This is another gift you are giving to your baby and husband. You should be proud.

I've been striving to get more into spirituality. But it seems that every time I make some progress, I find myself slipping right back to where I started. I'm getting discouraged and feel like a failure. Can you help?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

Spiritual slumps are a natural part of spiritual growth. There is a cycle that people go through when at times they feel closer to God and at times more distant. In the words of the Kabbalists, it is "two steps forward and one step back." So although you feel you are slipping, know that this is a natural process. The main thing is to look at your overall progress (over months or years) and be able to see how far you've come!

This is actually God's ingenious way of motivating us further. The sages compare this to teaching a baby how to walk. When the parent is holding on, the baby shrieks with delight and is under the illusion that he knows how to walk. Yet suddenly, when the parent lets go, the child panics, wobbles and may even fall.

At such times when we feel spiritually "down," that is often because God is letting go, giving us the great gift of independence. In some ways, these are the times when we can actually grow the most. For if we can move ourselves just a little bit forward, we truly acquire a level of sanctity that is ours forever.

Here is a practical tool to help pull you out of the doldrums. The Sefer HaChinuch speaks about a great principle in spiritual growth: "The external awakens the internal." This means that although we may not experience immediate feelings of closeness to God, eventually, by continuing to conduct ourselves in such a manner, this physical behavior will have an impact on our spiritual selves and will help us succeed. (A similar idea is discussed by psychologists who say: "Smile and you will feel happy.")

That is the power of Torah commandments. Even if we may not feel like giving charity or praying at this particular moment, by having a "mitzvah" obligation to do so, we are in a framework to become inspired. At that point we can infuse that act of charity or prayer with all the meaning and lift it can provide. But if we'd wait until being inspired, we might be waiting a very long time.

May the Almighty bless you with the clarity to see your progress, and may you do so with joy.

In 1940, a boatload 1,600 Jewish immigrants fleeing Hitler's ovens was denied entry into the port of Haifa; the British deported them to the island of Mauritius. At the time, the British had acceded to Arab demands and restricted Jewish immigration into Palestine. The urgent plight of European Jewry generated an "illegal" immigration movement, but the British were vigilant in denying entry. Some ships, such as the Struma, sunk and their hundreds of passengers killed.

If you seize too much, you are left with nothing. If you take less, you may retain it (Rosh Hashanah 4b).

Sometimes our appetites are insatiable; more accurately, we act as though they were insatiable. The Midrash states that a person may never be satisfied. "If he has one hundred, he wants two hundred. If he gets two hundred, he wants four hundred" (Koheles Rabbah 1:34). How often have we seen people whose insatiable desire for material wealth resulted in their losing everything, much like the gambler whose constant urge to win results in total loss.

People's bodies are finite, and their actual needs are limited. The endless pursuit for more wealth than they can use is nothing more than an elusive belief that they can live forever (Psalms 49:10).

The one part of us which is indeed infinite is our neshamah (soul), which, being of Divine origin, can crave and achieve infinity and eternity, and such craving is characteristic of spiritual growth.

How strange that we tend to give the body much more than it can possibly handle, and the neshamah so much less than it needs!