Once upon a time a guy, a Hollywood guy, read some Salinger to a young woman who hadn't read him before. Let's call this girl Lindsay. She was a Hollywood girl, but a damaged one. I knew that she would like Salinger, because most young women do.

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Well, guess what, James Franco? Lindsay didn't even read your piece. In an interview with MailOnline, she said, "If someone wants to do that for their own reasons there's nothing to say, I'm not in their head. I would never do that. I didn't read it." Plus: "When people say things about other people I don't think it's necessary, I've never talked about anyone else and I never will." So there.

Lohan also told MailOnline that she's planning a trilogy of memoirs "like Harry Potter," which brings me to this very tangentially related nugget: James Franco Instagrammed a picture of his face mashed up with Emma Watson's face, showing how together they make his character from Pineapple Express.