I figure, given the massive failure that was CookieGate, we at UBC need some kind of primer in how to manufacture a Scandal. CookieGate seems to be a great ‘What Not To Do!’ of the AMS (the S stands for ‘Swiftboat’).

Make it plausible.
You can’t go door to door with a laptop in Rez, because there is no wireless internet. Do none of you have any friends in Rez?

Make the timeline work.
If the person you are accusing has a rock solid alibi, you should know about it, and change the story. It’s not like you have to actually do anything, its just altering the lie.

Make it BIG!
Really? Door to door with cookies? That’s the big plan to steal the election? One of the reasons that this is not done more frequently is because it is a massively ineffective way of getting votes. As evidenced by the continually revised 200, no wait, 100-800, no wait, 50-800, no wait, let me check the notes we made up, oh-crap-this-doesn’t-make-sense-i’d-better-make-something-up thought process that appears to have gone on. Come on now guys, if you’re going to attempt character assassination, take it from the Master.

Get better witnesses.
Your witnesses cannot be your friends. They just can’t. They have to be a friend of a friend, or something that is not immediately going to tie them back to you and your plot.

Make it illegal.
A word to the wise: if you are trying to get another candidate disqualified, you have got to make what you are accusing them of actually against the rules. Going around with a laptop was not the reason the race was canceled last year. The only reports I’ve found of this was through a rumor that a UBC Insiders writer mentioned to the Ubyssey who reported that rumour (as a rumour, mind you) in lieu of any actual statement from the Elections Administrator. Find the section of Code that you think makes it illegal to be within ten meters of any computer with wireless during the election period.

It would be better reading and more compelling if people actually could believe what you’re alleging, or, alternatively, would actually matter if it were true. Come on Scandal Makers, you can do better.