Sunday, March 8, 2009

Bad Day

Today was one of those bad days for me. It been exactly 8 months today that I lost MaryAnn. I really wasn't thinking about it this morning. I woke up with my eyes irritated so I didn't get up and about till about 11 this morning. I needed to go to Wal-Mart and did but I had just been in a funk all day. I went to the book store to get some pregnancy books, since we are starting down that path. I found a book called, After Miscarriage. I got it to read on the reasons and things that they do for it. After getting home, I got to reading it and just couldn't quite crying. I thought that I had dealt with this. I think that its a collection of things that had just bottled necked till today.Part of it has to do with Anthony being away. I have really missed him this time. Part of it is my cousins insensitive remark the other day about my choice of honoring my children with a tattoo. Even though she has had a miscarriage, she is still not sensitive to the fact that I felt it was a living, breathing person. Part of it is the prospect of us trying again and not knowing the out come of the pregnancy. I want so bad to go back to the time where I never thought I would have a miscarriage. I know that if I get pregnant again it won't be a joyous occasion. At least not until I know that I'm past the 12 week period. I don't know if even then that I will be able to be happy about it. The last few months, I have been thinking and dealing with delivery. Maybe its because subconsciously I didn't want to deal with the feelings that I would have trying to conceive again. The last part is I'm not over the miscarriage yet. I still grieve from my children. I don't want other children I want the ones I lost. I know that that feeling will never go away but I at least thought that by now I would have a better hold on it. I don't know why I would think that. It took me three years to get over my grandfathers death.I hate being here alone. I just needed someone... anyone to hold me and no one was here. I just don't know if I am emotionally ready for this. I was watching Joe somebody on the TV. He's a preacher. Well he was talking about keeping the hope and faith up. Never give up because the worst happens right before we receive what we want. I know that God know that I want a child more than anything and I know that one day he will bless me with one. My thing is how many do I have to loose to get one? I don't think I'm strong enough to keep having miscarriages. Some women have 5 or 6 before they have children. I don't think I'm strong enough to go through that. The saying comes to mind " If he (God) brings you to it then he'll bring you through it." and the quote from mother Teresa " I wish God didn't trust me so much" talking about the saying God will never give you more than you can handle.Sorry I just needed to get this off my chest. I have a lot of thinking and praying to do about the things to come. I think I need to deal with the last looses a little more. Oh and we don't know anything about the job in CO yet. Maybe we will hear something this week. Please keep us in your prayer.

2 comments:

Karen, I am sorry you are hurting today. I am praying that you will feel at peace as you begin trying to conceive again.

Did you go yet for your pre-conception appointment? Just wondering. They may have some insight into why you miscarried. For example, you may have a low progesterone level. I did and I would have likely miscarried Rosalyn without quick treatment (I was on progesterone supplements from the very first day I was pregnant through 13 weeks).

I do really believe that saying..."If God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it." He may not bring us through it the way we would have chosen or planned, but it will be His way which is always better.