Ake's Pains debuted in the University of Akron Buchtelite in September of 1977. The school's reputation as an institute of higher learning has still not recovered. Ake's Pains returns after a brief 32 year hiatus. It's back, baby!

Monday, October 21, 2013

“No Bra Day” Needs Some Tweaking

A couple weeks ago I received a notice in my Facebook
feed that October 13 was “National No Bra Day” (see graphic) to support breast
cancer awareness. This sounded like a very
positive event that would help the cause and that both women and men would enjoy. However
I quickly realized this was something I could not support at all.

You see October 13 was a Sunday, so the organizers were
encouraging millions of women to go to church braless. “Here’s the church, whoa, look at those
steeples!” No,no,no,no,no, there is no good way to do this. Wearing a bra on Sunday is as close to
ceremonial religious garb as it gets for Christian women. Think of it as a hijab for your breasts.

Wearing a bra to church is very important and it is
better if it is a “Baptist type” bra: full coverage, functional, plain and
white. It should not be padded and even if
it is a house of miracles, no wonder bras. And no push up bras either. There are many things that should be lifted
up in church; voices, praises, hands, etc., but breasts are not one, er, two,
of them.

On October 13 I kept a keen eye out for violators at my
church (for religious purposes only) and I am pleased to report that I saw
none. I thought I had identified one,
but it turned out she was just extra perky.
There was someone wearing very inappropriate clothing however. It was some guy wearing a Pittsburgh Steeler jersey,
which is a mortal sin in northeast Ohio, in any and all religions.

So you shouldn’t have this event on Sunday, but you can’t
have it during the work week either.
Guys cannot concentrate on their jobs if there is excessive “boob
distractions” in the office. A female
co-worker once asked me how much the guys watch woman at work. I replied, “They know when you change your
bra style”. Trust me; productivity would
come to a screeching halt if you had this event on a Tuesday.

To illustrate, years ago on a frigid February morning
there was a meeting to discuss improving material flow in the warehouse. Karen, who worked in the warehouse, attended
the meeting. Of course it was very cold in
the warehouse and when she removed her jacket it was readily apparent just how
nippy it was. Her bra strained to control
the situation but was woefully insufficient.
This was not Karen’s fault. Those babies were so cold that she kicked
into engorge mode and they were hard, huge, and running wild.

In the presence of such nippilation, the meeting became
an exercise in futility because every male brain immediately disengaged.

Meeting Leader: “So Bob, how would you improve things?”

Bob: “Abba, boba, waki, wiki, woo.”

“What do you think Al?”

Al: Be be be, be boopers, beep.

Finally the leader stumbled upon genius.

“What do you think Karen?

(All eyes turned to Karen, although no one was looking at
her face)

“I think it would work better if we moved the supplies to
the east side of the warehouse”, she said.

“Gee, that’s sure a swell idea Karen, said the meeting
leader. “Does anyone have an objection to this?

No one could utter a sound; they were all still mesmerized by the condition of Karen’s chest.

Never before, and unfortunately never again, had Karen
commanded such respect in a meeting. She
didn’t need Power Point to sell her idea, only power pointers. However, if you asked the men what the most
important thing they had learned in the meeting, the obvious answer was: Karen
has some awesome nipples!

So if they repeat “No Bra Day” next year it needs some
tweaking, and it should definitely be held on a Saturday. And if my buxom next-door neighbor decides to
wash her car that day, that is something I can really get behind. Er no, that
something I can give my full support to.
Uh no, okay let’s just say it would be a good thing.

It turns out that “No
Bra Day” might have just been a Facebook hoax since there were no stories about
it afterwards in the media. And unfortunately
there were no photos posted on my Facebook feed (Margo, I am so disappointed). Of course if it was a hoax, it was no doubt
started by a guy. Be Boppers Beep, indeed.