Sunday, April 3, 2016

1st 5 Pages April Workshop - Hall

There’s something perfect about waking up with the covers over your eyes. It’s more than the covers acting as a magical shield against ghosts setting up camp in your soul or that the covers protect against a tarantula crawling in your ears and laying eggs. It’s nothing sensible like that. It’s about the few muddled, confused moments when you’re not sure if the darkness is outside or within and you feel utterly and perfectly alone.

Tess usually has the blankets completely wrapped around her so I’m lucky to have a foot covered let alone enough blanket to cocoon myself. In these rare, sheltered moments I daydream of what it would be like to have a life of my own. A life where I can have control over how warm I can be at night. A life where it’s not an act of betrayal because I want to wear a grey sweater instead of a purple one. I can eat the second peanut butter cup. I can have a name that doesn’t have an implied ampersand. Good&Plenty, M&M, Jess&Tess. Just Jess. Most importantly, though, a life where I can do what I want without worrying how it will impact others. Dad can do it. Why can’t I?

It doesn’t take long for people to realize you’re enjoying yourself before they do what they can to ruin it. I hear noise coming from downstairs. Dad’s idea of letting us know it’s time to get up is banging the cabinet doors and filling the coffee pot with a fireman’s hose. With the loudest sigh I can muster, I toss the blanket off of my head and look to Tess to join me in my annoyance. It’s still dark so I can’t tell if she looking at me. I slide my hand over to give her a he’s-doing-it-again nudge but all I find is a cold empty space. I immediately tuck and roll over the imaginary don’t-cross-this-line border and spread eagle as wide as I can across the whole bed. Another rare treat.

We haven’t unpacked a lamp yet but I’ve learned how to maneuver through strange places in the dark. I’m able to get out of the room and find the hall light switch without breaking any toes. No longer worried about falling, I work up the best do-you-have-to-be-so-loud dirty look as I stomp down the stairs. I shimmy through the stack of boxes lining the foyer ready to fire my frustration at Dad with both barrels as soon as we make eye contact but I’m caught off guard once I realize where all of the noise is coming from. Tess is kneeling on the living room floor, showered and dressed already, digging through boxes and pulling things out of one and placing them in another. Behind her is a small stack that she has branded with not only her name but with her irritating cat stickers. We used to put stickers on everything we liked but I gave that up in fifth grade.

“What are you doing?” I ask.

“Dad said that he will sleep on the pullout couch so I can have my own room.” She corrects, “We can have our own rooms. I’m just separating our stuff.” She points to all of the boxes behind her. “Isn’t it exciting?” She’s jumping up and down and practically singing and all that makes me want to do is run over and kick the cat stickers in the face. She’s looking to me to say I’m excited too but “Why would you want your own room?” comes out instead.

Dad considers he’s “Father of the Year” because we’ve never been late for school. How can we be late when we get there before anyone authorized to take attendance? We scope out a remote spot to settle in and wait for school to start. Some place remote enough to be out of the mainstream but still has a good view of the front doors. You have to figure things out before they figure out you.

Over the years we’ve developed games to help us forget the cold, the wet, or the numb. Games like, at this school, will “Mr. Hearts-a-Flutter” (Tess’s term) be the captain of the football, basketball, or baseball team? Will “Miss Pretty-n-Popular” be a blonde, brunette, or deadhead? Tess’s favorite game is developing elaborate schemes to overthrow the current popular girls and making Mr. Flatliner (my term) fall head over heels for her. She can spend hours wondering in what romantic way he will ask her to Homecoming, but since this is our senior year, all talk is of Prom. I spend my hours just wondering if we will stay long enough to go to prom.

“Ok. Here we go,” Tess says as the first car pulls up in front of the school. “I’m betting it’s a Banger.”

“No way. Not on the first day. It’s going to be a Tunie.” Tess’s probably right but what’s the point of playing the game if I just agree.

The car door opens and we hear a “Bye Mom” immediately followed by a muffled “Have a good day, sweetie.” That must be written in the “Drop Your Kid off at School” chapter of the Parent Handbook because they all say it. Bangers are usually boys and, sure enough, a boy jumps out and sprints for the school before the car door bangs behind him. He runs as if he’s late for some Geek Squad appointment. He’s running fast enough to where his backpack (loaded with what we can only assume are empty notebooks, a half empty pencil box, an inhaler, and something Star Wars or Orc related) flops about in an opposite rhythm to his step causing a loud banging noise. “Ha!” Tess says. “Told you. A Banger.”

I stick with Tunie as the next to arrive and as the second kid gets out of his parent’s car with headphones on (allowing him to fight the system and further develop his bad boy rock star persona by pretending not to hear the “Have a nice day, sweetie”) and starts milling around looking for a place to play air guitar or drum on the sidewalk. I’m the one that gets to say “Ha!”

Other players in the game are the Flakes who have their noses shoved so far in a book you can only see their dandruff. There are the Scramblers who use the morning to finish last night’s homework. We’ve done this so long, we can tell which kids will disappear around the corner. We know which couples will skitter off. School is about to start when the Beeslappers show up. These are the second set of kids who jump out of their parent’s car, only this time they jump before it comes to a complete stop. They run as fast as they can toward the building, waving their arm behind them (waving bye to their parents, we know, but they look like their fending off a swarm of bees) and yelling “I’m late!” as a response to “Honey, wait!” The faces change but the parade is always the same.

I call us the Carnies. We’re the oddities from places unknown. We roll into town, dazzle the locals for a while, and then vanish without a second thought.

15 comments:

Just a quick statement about the contest in general: I have read all the entries on this page and am amazed by the quality…looking forward to this.

This is a strong voice. I get a sense of who this girl is as a person. I loved the descriptions. The pacing is good too. I didn’t get bored or read over things. Overall a compelling opening!

I did have some issues with the following sentences:

It’s more than the covers acting as a magical shield against ghosts setting up camp in your soul or that the covers protect against a tarantula crawling in your ears and laying eggs.

I shimmy through the stack of boxes lining the foyer ready to fire my frustration at Dad with both barrels as soon as we make eye contact but I’m caught off guard once I realize where all of the noise is coming from.

He’s running fast enough to where his backpack (loaded with what we can only assume are empty notebooks, a half empty pencil box, an inhaler, and something Star Wars or Orc related) flops about in an opposite rhythm to his step causing a loud banging noise.

I stick with Tunie as the next to arrive and as the second kid gets out of his parent’s car with headphones on (allowing him to fight the system and further develop his bad boy rock star persona by pretending not to hear the “Have a nice day, sweetie”) and starts milling around looking for a place to play air guitar or drum on the sidewalk.

These are wonderfully descriptive and fun, but they run-on. I really think you have some good words here, just not enough sentences. It reads almost like a stream of consciousness to me and would be more effective broken up.

Also, I think you are trying to flesh out these wonderful characters more than tell their story. I’d like to see true conflict. What’s at stake here? Acclimating to a new school? I’m not sure yet, and I think that might be an issue.

The tarantula image was a bit shocking and really pulled me out of the story with the gross factor.

It looks like you've double spaced after a period; that formatting is no longer en vogue (one space is preferred).

From "why own room" to "dad of the year" - needs a better transition. But since we're in 1st POV, I really wann know how the MC feels about the room switch. Right now it's glossed over, and I think a twin might have a strong reaction to this.

"Hearts a flutter" - because of the moving boxes mentioned earlier, I thought this was a new school. It was a speed bump for me.

I love all the nicknames, but I don't think that they drive the story forward.

Overall, I think the MC has a fun personality and I look forward to reading more!Cheers, Lana

I was really pulled in by your writing. I loved your first sentence about waking up with the covers over your eyes and then finding out that she seldom wakes up that way because she shares a bed with someone. A sister? I would love to know more about the MC. Who are Jess&Tess and why are they ampersands? Are they twins? Even twins can have their own personalities, and even be quite different. Why are these two not different? What lumps them together? If Jess is so anxious to not be lumped in with her sister, why does she hang out with her before school rather than doing her own thing?

“It doesn’t take long for people to realize you’re enjoying yourself before they do what they can to ruin it.” I think the rest of your paragraph is stronger without this. It’s kind of telly while the rest shows. Delete?

“Dad considers he’s “Father of the Year” because we’ve never been late for school.” I got pulled out here by the jump from unpacking boxes in the living room to arriving at school. You need a transition. And I wanted to know why they got dropped off so early. If it happened consistently, there has to be a reason. Also, at this point, I felt like the voice got snarky. It could be fun, but I wanted a better sense of who the twins were before I was ready for them categorizing everyone in the school. I also got the sense that this was a new school. Is that right?

“I call us the Carnies. We’re the oddities from places unknown. We roll into town, dazzle the locals for a while, and then vanish without a second thought.” This sounds really interesting but I don’t understand what carnies are. I'm thinking traveling circus folks but I don't see how that ties into this story, so I need more here.

I was really pulled in by your writing. I loved your first sentence about waking up with the covers over your eyes and then finding out that she seldom wakes up that way because she shares a bed with someone. A sister? I would love to know more about the MC. Who are Jess&Tess and why are they ampersands? Are they twins? Even twins can have their own personalities, and even be quite different. Why are these two not different? What lumps them together? If Jess is so anxious to not be lumped in with her sister, why does she hang out with her before school rather than doing her own thing?

“It doesn’t take long for people to realize you’re enjoying yourself before they do what they can to ruin it.” I think the rest of your paragraph is stronger without this. It’s kind of telly while the rest shows. Delete?

“Dad considers he’s “Father of the Year” because we’ve never been late for school.” I got pulled out here by the jump from unpacking boxes in the living room to arriving at school. You need a transition. And I wanted to know why they got dropped off so early. If it happened consistently, there has to be a reason. Also, at this point, I felt like the voice got snarky. It could be fun, but I wanted a better sense of who the twins were before I was ready for them categorizing everyone in the school. I also got the sense that this was a new school. Is that right?

“I call us the Carnies. We’re the oddities from places unknown. We roll into town, dazzle the locals for a while, and then vanish without a second thought.” This sounds really interesting but I don’t understand what carnies are. I'm thinking traveling circus folks but I don't see how that ties into this story, so I need more here.

Thank you so much for sharing your work. Gold star for voice! This is a character with an active inner life that I’m curious to know more about.

And now, a few observations; the opening where your character is waking up feels passive even though it's well written. Maybe that isn’t the most dynamic place to begin your story. The nicely presented backstory you supply can be feathered in as the narrative goes forward instead of frontloading it all here.

The sister conflict with items being separated struck me as a nice friction point to possibly launch from. There are a couple of other stand out lines that really caught my eye to possibly play with as leads and beginning images:

“I call us the Carnies. We’re the oddities from places unknown. We roll into town, dazzle the locals for a while, and then vanish without a second thought.” - Boom! With this line I am DYING to know her story.

“I spend my hours wondering if we will stay around long enough to go to prom.” –Instant sympathy for a vagabond existence that may keep your MC away from that oh so important teen right of passage.

Another question I have – does she have to be an “observer” for the wildly entertaining labels you’ve put on high school cliques? Instead, can she interact/navigate them as we get to know who they are?

I really enjoyed reading this piece. Jess felt like someone I wanted to know better. The conflict between her need for a separate identity and the bond she shares with her twin sister, no doubt heightened by their unusual living situation, will be interesting to explore.

I had the same problem Leslie did with the waking up scene, and the same problem Lana noted with the transition from waking up to "Dad considers he's Father of the Year . . ." You might think about either starting with Jess noticing Tess's absence, or even later, with their "before school" game--which was great, by the way. Really brought out their personalities in a fun way.

"Most importantly, though, a life where I can do what I want without worrying how it will impact others. Dad can do it. Why can’t I?" I thought this was a pretty big statement to make and just leave hanging like you did.

When you get Jess and Tess to school, I had a bit of difficulty telling what was meant to be habitual action and what was particular to this occasion. I think if you worked on the transition or started with them arrival I wouldn't have that problem, though.

I really liked "'Have a good day, sweetie.' That must be written in the “Drop Your Kid off at School” chapter of the Parent Handbook because they all say it." It was especially amusing when you switched it to "Honey, wait!" for the Beeslappers. Don't know if that was on purpose, but it made me laugh.

Do keep an eye out for those really long sentences, like Jeffrey notes. I have a tendency to use them, too, and sometimes it works, if you're trying to convey a sense of breathlessness or stream-of-consciousness. Other times it doesn't. Reading aloud helps me crack down on them. If I have to take a breath in the middle, my sentence may be too long.

Anyway, this was a very enjoyable read, and I look forward to reading more of your story!

I agree with Kim. Reading out loud helps with those run-ons. I also use Natural Reader. Cut and paste your chapter into the software, and a nice English lady will read your story back to you(or an American man/woman). When she sounds like she's going to pass out if she doesn't take a breath, then you know you might need a period or two. It's been really helpful. Also catches misspells that you just keep reading over.

The writing is nice, and you definitely have a good visual sense of these characters. I'd like a little more interaction at home with Dad before they go to school. They obviously just moved someplace new, right? Let that sink in a little so we can see how Jess feels about it.

I really like the way the girls have their own personal way of describing the kids they see entering school. This seems like something that siblings would do, and points to how close they are.

I didn't get a feel of how old they were until you mentioned Prom. Or was it Homecoming?

I think some of your sentences can be tightened up a little, but that will come with further editing, I'm sure.

For the most part it has a very nice rhythm to it, and I like the opening, although some might say to not open stories with people getting out of bed or waking up. I'm not sure I always agree with this statement, and in your case, I'd say to keep it because it's pretty striking the way you describe Jess's state of mind.

I do wonder why the girls call themselves Carnies, and how their dad fits into all of it. I'm intrigued.

Thanks so much for giving me the opportunity to mentor you. It’s really an honor. So now to it! Again, I haven’t read anyone else’s comments, so these are entirely my own opinions.

First, I love twins, so yay! It’s fun to work with someone whose identity is so wrapped up in someone else’s. There’s always a lot of fun to be had and some really deep human condition type things we can play with.

Some questions:

~I find the Carnies concept fascinating. It’s intriguing and points to some real disturbance in their lives that is hinted at but harder to spot in the opening paragraphs. By the end of the first paragraph, your reader should be hooked, or at least intrigued, right? So if her perception of herself is as a freak, a ghost, a two-headed monster, an almost siamese twin, that is SUPER interesting and an opportunity that shouldn't be missed. Can you find a way to drop it at your earliest convenience?

~As I said, I love twins BUT because there are so many twin books and stories out there, a twin story needs to be really original. The fact that these pages begin in bed and end with getting out of the car at school gives me pause. It has nothing to do with the larger story, but as I said before, you have to grab the reader in these pages, which is pretty unforgiving. At this stage, the only conflict we really know of at this point is the bedroom issue, that they would each like their own space, and that they move a lot. I don’t, at this point, know what the real story is, what the conflict is, why they want separate rooms. Assuming your story is going to take a turn for the more conflict-driven, would you be willing to look at ways you might take us straight into the story? Or give us an inciting incident as far as why they suddenly want to be separated? Or even what her fears are, to establish some stakes?

~Would you have a look at the voice? I assumed this was maybe a thirteen-year old protagonist. You might want to age up the tone a bit. A senior who has had a really tough life might have a little more edge, no?

~Kind of along the same lines, this is high school, so the fact that all these kids are being dropped off by their mothers (not siblings or dads), that they aren’t driving themselves or riding the bus, seems off. Unless it’s part of the plot, I would have another look at that.

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