Most people, when asked a hypothetical question, such as “Would you rather get clawed to death by a Giant Panda who thinks you attacked their child or get clawed to death by a mountain lion who thinks you’re dinner?”, respond by simply punching the person who asked the question. Afterall, nobody likes hypothetical questions. By the way, the answer is clawed to death by the mountain lion, that makes a much cooler story for people to tell at your funeral.

But, somehow, a company was able to get enough people to answer a hypothetical question to be a statistically relevent survey, “The study asked more than 2,000 adults what they would rather give up for a period of two weeks, the Internet or sex.” Ohh, that’s a tough one. The results, “48 percent of women and 30 percent of men prefer the Internet to sex, according to a new study by Intel Corp.” The survey results are slightly skewed, however, because most of the men assumed that this meant somebody would actually be sleeping with them both before and after the two week period. Also, a small percentage of really lonely men were confused that they were not the same thing.

The survey also found these results, “65 percent of adults said they cannot live without Internet access.” This is only slightly higher then the 60% of people who said they cannot live without food. That’s right, the Internet is now a matter of life and death, people. You just thought it was a nice little thing to have access to, you thought wrong. Do you realize there are kids in Africa with no Internet access? No wonder they have the highest fatality rate in the world! Forget getting them food and clean water, they need the Internet!

The Kennedy family has no luck. First, JFK becomes the first Catholic President. Yay! Then he was assassinated. Boo. Then, Robert Kennedy was on his way to becoming President. Yay! Then he was assassinated. Boo. JFK Jr. was in a plane crash. And, I think there was one other thing with their family, what was it, I know it was somethi…oh, yes, Ted Kennedy killed a girl. That’s right. So, all in all not the best of luck going for them.

Now, Caroline Kennedy wants to fill Hillary Rodham Clinton’s vacated Senate seat. So, let’s see what the article says Governor Paterson (who has sole authority to appoint the seat) thinks are her strengths, “(she’s) a strong potential candidate whose appointment would keep a woman in the seat.” Alright! She’s got two X chromosomes! That more than qualifies her for this Senate seat. Now that is certainly a unique trait that is hard to come across. Hey, at least the Governor isn’t auctioning off the seat.

What else does she have going for her? Well, “(her) personal connections would allow her to raise the roughly $70 million required to hold on to the seat in the coming years.” Ok! Not just a woman, but an extremely well connected and rich woman. Sounding more and more qualified as we speak. Who cares about her work background anyways!

Is there more? Please tell me there’s more! Oh, good, there’s more! “The upside of her candidacy is that the 2010 ballot will read Kennedy – Paterson,” said one of (Gov Paterson’s) advisers.” I’m sold. Where do I donate?! You mean not only is she a woman, not only is she rich, but her last name will help the current Governor get re-elected because the American public is fascinated with the Kennedy’s? Jesus himself wouldn’t be a better candidate!

What would you think if you saw this penguin waddling along? Would you think ‘Oh, what a cute little pengiun waddling along!’ or ‘What is a penguin doing in the middle of Manhattan?’ or would you, like Chinese zookeepers, think ‘Get that gay penguin out of here!’

Yes, now if you’re gay you’re not just discriminated against if you’re human, but also a penguin, “A pair of gay penguins (were) thrown out of their zoo colony for repeatedly stealing eggs.” Don’t let Pat Buchanan read this story. Gay penguins stealing eggs?! I think we can solve all of our missing children cases in the US now – round up the gays! Thank you gay penguins for showing us the light.

How did these birds go about their theft? “Last month the birds were segregated after they were caught placing stones at the feet of parents before waddling away with their eggs.” Wow, these birds are like the gay Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid of penguins. I think the replacing eggs with stones trick is smarter than about half the crimes human theives attempt.

However, activists fought the case and now “(The zoo) decided to give them two eggs from another couple whose hatching ability had been poor and they’ve turned out to be the best parents in the whole zoo.” Yes, reports are that the gay penguins have decorated the eggs rooms in a decadent mauve and have all the latest fashionable baby penguin clothes already picked out.

Oh, you super wealthy. Is there any other group of people that everybody hates, yet secretly wants to be a member of? Maybe the Jackson family? I often imagine what I would do with an unimaginable amount of wealth. The possibilities are endless, but after much deliberation I think I would just buy all of the hairbrushes in the world. Deal with that!

Now, the super wealthy have taken luxury to a whole another level, “Versace, the renowned fashion house (pictured above), is to create the world’s first refrigerated beach so that hotel guests can walk comfortably across the sand on scorching days.” Oh, goodie! We would definitely not want to burden the super rich with having to take six seconds out of their lifes to have to put on sandals. That’s just crazy. Why have them put on their shoes when we can just build an entire cooling system for them! C’mon people, it’s just logic.

Although, this is causing concern to some, “Versace’s plans have shocked environmentalists. Rachel Noble, the campaigns officer at Tourism Concern, which promotes sustainable tourism, said that the carbon generated by such projects would contribute to climate change, whose worst effects would be felt by the poor.” The poor! What is this person doing worrying about the poor when the super rich’s feet could possibly get a little hot while they’re on vacation! And climate change, Rachel Noble, obviously you’re not aware that they are actualy off-setting climate change – they’re actually cooling the temperature of the beach, idiot. What have you done that’s actually lowered the temperature of the earth?

1. Super Rich – Will the super rich even have to move in fifteen years? I think the luxury hotels will end up doing all of their sightseeing, take all their pictures, eat their meals in about a decade.

2. Dubai Hotel Workers – As Dubai caters more and more to the super rich tourist industry, the main beneficiary has got to be the workers at these hotels. Look at that photo again. Not a bad place to spend 40 hours a week.

Let’s say you just had a baby. Sure, you’re happy and thrilled that you’ve created life, started a family, blah, blah blah…but let’s be honest, what you really want to know is – does my kid have any talents or is he going to end up living in a small, dirty apartment writing an inconsequential blog about random news stories? Sorry mom!

Well, for you over bearing parents who want to live vicariously through your children – now there is a solution, “Two weeks ago, a company began marketing a $149 saliva swap test for kids, aged 1 to 8, to determine which variant of the gene ACTN3 is in their DNA. According to a 2003 Australian study, ACTN3 was shown to be a marker for two different types of athletic prowess, explosive power or long endurance.” C’mon Billy, today we are going to get your saliva swap test! Why mommy, I don’t really want to. Because, Billy, mommy and daddy have to know whether or not to put you up for adoption!

However, there is always the reminder that, “A person’s genetic makeup can be expressed in many different ways, depending on environmental and situational opportunities. Variables such as motivation, coachability, and opportunity can’t be predicted.” That’s right parents, just because your child has a high talent level doesn’t mean you can retire just yet – they probably will still be extremely lazy and uncoachable! Just look at Derrick Coleman!

There are two groups of people I know not to mess with. Old people and rappers. You do not mess with old people. Old people don’t care. They don’t care about social norms or their well being because hey, why bother caring when you’re just gonna die soon. Old people can pretty much get away with anything. The second group is rappers. If BET has taught me anything, it’s that you want to stay away from rappers. Every other song involves people getting shot or stabbed or mortally wounded in one manner or another. I’ve always wondered what would happen if you combined the two, well today we finally got our answer.

So what happened? Well, “An elderly man opened fire on fans at a Senegal rap concert.” Wow, that guy is really into the whole thug life thingy. Why did he open fire, you might ask, “Police say the gunman warned fans to stop singing “Pa’ Tang Xol” (Angry Old Man) by popular Senegalese artist Baaba Mal before opening fire…The elderly gentleman felt that these young people were insulting him in their songs.” So, the man thought that this song was about him. He thought the rap group had written a song called Angry Old Man about him, made sure he showed up to their concert, and then played the song all in an attempt to make fun of him. Talk about an elaborate joke. And, then, in response, he angrily shot people? Talk about reinforcing stereotypes. This is like when I refused to buy that ’98 album Cheap Jew.

I wonder how he got a small gun through securi…wait, what’s that – “The 70-year-old began shooting with a hunting rifle…” Oh, a hunting rifle you say. I’m not gun expert, but I don’t believe those slip unnoticed into your pocket. If you’re letting people bring hunting rifles to a rap concert, I think you’re asking for trouble.

And how little did this guy care about his actions, so much so that “One police source said that (the shooter’s) own children were in the crowd.” Now that’s bad-ass. I defy anyone else to shoot up a room with their own children dispersed throughout. And you wonder why I’m deathly afraid of the elderly.

What does America mean to you? Many would say America means freedom or liberty or the idea that all men are created equal. America can have so many different meanings to so many different people. But one thing Americans will not tolerate America standing for is intelligence. Not on our watch. We leave that to the Asians.

Further proof of that is “a full 37 percent of American citizens are incapable of identifying their home country on a map of the United States.” So, just to get this straight, so there’s no confusion that maybe American’s aren’t completely moronic, these citizens were not asked to identify the United States on a map of the world or even of the Western Hemisphere – no, no, they couldn’t identify the United States on a map of the United States. It was the map shown above. Complete with a Legend that pretty much spells it out. Excuse me while I go jump off the nearest large building.

When respondents incorrectly placed America on the map they were then asked what the big blue land mass shown was, “That thing definitely looked familiar,” said autoworker and father of three Ed McConnell. “And my gut told me there were probably a whole bunch of Americans there. So I had to go with Iraq.” You’ve got quite the gut instincts there Ed. When shown a map of America, labeled as America, your gut told you there were probably a whole bunch of Americans there. That gut instinct of yours is really something special! Now if only your logic worked that well.

When asked if she thought it was important to know where America is, Shirley Matheson, a part-time Arby’s employee said, “I live in the U.S.A., so why would I need to know where America is? Or the United States for that matter?” You know, Shirley, when I was a young boy growing up in the U.S.A it was always my dream to visit America or even the United States. Every summer I begged and begged my parents to please take us out of the U.S.A and into this America or United States I had heard so much about. But, to no avail. The closest we got was Jersey.

When asked the capital of the United States, the top four answers were “‘Minneapolis-St. Paul,’ ‘Mount Rushmore,’ ‘America City,’ and ‘Whitewater.'” Minneapolis-St. Paul? Are you kidding me? Any of those other three would definitely become the capital before Minneapoli-St. Paul would. And two of them don’t even exist. But, Washington DC did come in 5th in the polling! Which, hey, is not so bad when you consider that technically there is an infinite amount of answers to that question.

Parents are always trying to come up with original, creative names for their kids. I think the thought process is that if the kid has an original, creative name, they will be original, creative people. But, trust me, it doesn’t work. Sure, there are a Shaq & Kobe who are famous, but those are also the names of the guys who washed my car this weekend.

Now, because of one family’s attempt to be original and creative, “This has given rise to a problem, because the ShopRite supermarket in Greenwich Township has refused to make a cake for (their child’s) birthday.” That’s terrible! How could they deny making a cake for a little 3 year old? Isn’t this just the worst thing in the world? Oh, wait – what’s that? The little 3 year old kids name is Adolf Hitler Campbell? Well, then. Carry on.

Yes, ShopRite refused because, “We believe the request … to inscribe a birthday wish to Adolf Hitler is inappropriate.” The parent’s first name choice for the child was Benito Mussolini Campbell, but then they learned that someone else had killed even more Jews than him. One of his sister’s middle name’s is AryanNation. That one’s not a joke.

Under the picture, shown above, is the caption, “Young Adolf Hitler Campbell will be getting a cake from Wal-Mart this year.” If that quote doesn’t scream I live in a trailer I’m not sure what does. Maybe they can attend one of the parties held by the mom we learned about earlier today who sold her twins in order to get liposuction.

This article is about everybody’s favorite pasttime, hookers. Here is something I never understood about prostitution. If you pay a girl to have sex with you, that’s completely illegal – yet, if you pay a girl to have sex with you and film it and sell it on video, that’s not illegal, that’s just porn. So, the rule is, you absolutely, positively cannot pay a girl to sleep with you, unless, you know, you film it so we all can enjoy it too. Makes sense.

Now, in hooker news, “A man who tried to suffocate a prostitute told police the woman accidentally put her head inside the plastic bag.” Seems kinda fishy, please elaborate – “He said as he was going to leave he had simply been holding the open plastic bag at her head level, and the woman had turned and accidentally walked into it.” Oh, well then, clearly he was not at fault. It’s as if Lee Harvey Oswalt said, “What? Me Guilty?! No, no, no. I simply shot a bullet at a specific spot on the road. That jerk Kennedy’s head accidentally got in its way. I’m never gonna get that bullet back now!”

But why, pre tell, was that plastic bag being held at her head level? “His plan was to render her unconscious so he could steal back the $100 he had paid for sex just minutes earlier.” Well, maybe if she had a better return policy he wouldn’t have had to resort to this.

His plan, however, was foiled “when she screamed for her boyfriend, who emerged from another room and held (him) down until police arrived.” Interesting, I never knew people actually dated hookers. Dating a prostitute is the only profession where you can get arrested for stopping by her office for a quickie. Well, unless, of course, you film it.