Articles

In the book The Road Less Travelled, Scott
Peck starts the book with the line: ‘Life is difficult.’ I recall my response
to it was that ‘Life is challenging, not always difficult, indeed, sometimes,
joyful, mystical and transcendent’. But is it not also a reflection of the
reality of human living to say that ‘Everyone suffers.’ As children, we suffer
harshness, irritability, aggression, violence, sexual abuse, comparisons, ‘put
downs’, emotional abandonment, social ostracisation, bullying, passivity,
injustice, being labelled, ignored, exiled, demeaned and lessened. The responses to these sad experiences
is to become fearful, depressed, withdrawn, delusional, illusional,
perfectionistic, success and work addicted, addicted to substances,
obsessional, compulsive, controlling, rebellious and passive. Unless resolved,
we bring our defensive responses to suffering into our adulthood and, sadly, in
turn bring suffering to others.

In the presence of suffering, nothing works
except compassion. Nothing is effective in the presence of emotional pain
except kindness and in the presence of fear nothing else can be offered except
love. These are the only responses that create the possibility of healing the
emotional wounds.

We cannot legislate for love, compassion
and heart-rending. The legislation needs to emerge from the inside as a
conscious experience of what suffering is. However, we don’t tend to see things
as they are, we see them as we are. It is not what people say that we need to
hear, but what they’re not saying. Similarly, it is not what people do we need
to see, but what they don’t do. The hardest task is to be genuine, authentic,
real and spontaneous. Sometimes, great emotional suffering makes us honest as
does a life-threatening illness. It is sad that sometimes individuals need to
go to such extremes – albeit unconsciously – before they can be real. It is the
case that each time we are kind, gentle and encouraging, each time we try to
understand, we provide the opportunity for new hope for those who are suffering
and the possibility of finding new, real ways of living.

When it comes to considering the terrible
suffering of the mother of the two murdered children in Ballycotton and those
close to the children and women murdered in Newcastlewest, the hearts of most
individuals are deeply touched and struggle to know what to do in the face of
such terrible tragedies. Indeed, words cannot even remotely describe the
unbearable suffering for the family members left to grieve the deceased. A
numbing silence enveloped both communities, plainly showing and identifying
with the suffering of the bereaved family members. This response is fitting; the
family members’ suffering needs to be ours; their pain is ours; their fear and
utter confusion is ours. When we feel this way we respond with compassion,
kindness and love.

An even greater challenge is to find in our
hearts kindness and compassion for the tortured fathers who perpetrated the
murders and for their relatives who are left holding the awfulness of these
men’s actions.

I have no doubt that
individuals must be struggling with what can you do, how can you respond
adequately to such unendurable suffering. I was asked
what do you say to children who become aware of the terrible events or who know
the children who were murdered. That key question indicated to me how
individuals can feel so helpless in the face of another’s great suffering. With
children we need to hold them tenderly and allow them express what they are
feeling and thinking and to be honest in our responses to their questions. With
the adults who have been so devastatingly bereaved, we can offer love,
compassion, understanding and kindness, but these responses need to be extended
into the future for there is no recovering from such losses. People need to be
supported and listened to in learning to live with such intolerable sorrow. It
is not a time for post-mortems, not a time to be asking the deep ‘why’
questions, not a time for judgement. In many ways, these questions need to
occupy the minds and hearts of the healthcare professionals who were involved
in the care of the two fathers who perpetrated the murders. This quest for understanding
needs to be done by us in the caring professions with a recognition and
compassion for our own suffering and the determination to learn from such
terrible events.

The life quest of the Buddha was to put an
end to suffering, but whilst suffering can be reduced, it can never end.
Suffering is part of our nature; it brings attention to where love and kindness
is absent and, at the same time, it draws attention to the need for the
restoration of love and kindness. When children suffer and die because of the
unresolved suffering of adults, it behoves all of us to practice loving
kindness.

Dr. Tony Humphreys practices as a clinical
psychologist, is an author and national and international speaker. His book
(with co-author Helen Ruddle), The Compassionate
Intentions of Illness is relevant to this article.