I don't know how to tell you this, but I dislike your eyelashes. I decided this when your dog humped my leg in your apartment and I saw you sit on the elephant in the corner. I'm sure you're scarred enough to understand that I get turned on only by garbage (wo)men. I'm returning your toe ring to you, but I'll keep the oil tank from your car. You should also know that I told in my confession today about the moose poaching and I will haunt you when I'm reincarnated as an Eskimo.Warm tingly sensations,Heather

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Here's how you do it:

Dear (someone you recently spoke to),I don't really know how to tell you this, but(1). I decided this (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I'm sure you're (6)enough to understand (7). I'm returning (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).(12),(Your name)

2) Which is your birth month?January - That night you picked your noseFebruary -When I quoted Forest GumpMarch - When your dwarf bit meApril - When I tripped on peanut butterMay - When I finally changed my underwearJune - When you put cuffs on meJuly – When I saw the purple monkeyAugust - When you smacked my assSeptember - Last year when you peed your pantsOctober - When we skinny dipped in the bathtubNovember - When your dog humped my legDecember - When i threw out your sock drawer

3) Which food do you prefer?Tacos - In your apartmentChicken- In your carPasta - Outside of your officeHamburgers - Under the busSalad – As you were eating Kraft DinnerLasagna - In your closetKebab - With Jean ChrétienSeafood - In a clown suitSandwiches - At the Elton John concertPizza - At the mental hospitalHot dog - With George Bush and Stephen HarperOther - Under a street lamp

7) Your mood right now?Happy - How awful you areSad - How boring you areBored - That I get turned on only by garbage (wo)menAngry - That your smell makes me vomitDepressed – That we’re relatedExcited - That I may pee my pantsNervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on youWorried - That your Ford sucksApathetic - That you need a sex-changeSilly - That I'm allergic to your earlobesCuddly - That Santa doesn't existAshamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kidOther - That your driving sucks

10) The last letter in your last name?A/B - Love your sweet, sweet assC/D - Always will remember the pep talksE/F -Never will forget that nightG/H – Will not tell the authorites that you stole the whale from the backyard.I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantlyK/L - Hate your cookingM/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poachingO/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruisesQ/R - Get sick when I think of your feetS/T - Always wanted to break your legsU/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heartW/X - Haven’t showered in a monthY/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?Wine- Our friendship is ruinedSoft drink – I’m off to lead a new life as a lemonSoda – I will haunt you when I’m reincarnated as an EskimoMilk - The apartment building is on fireWater – I'm scratching my butt as you read thisCider– I have a passionate interest for miceJuice – You ruined my attempts at another world war.Snapple/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked outHot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weirdWhiskey - I love Oprah WinfreyBeer – Thanks for the CocaineOther – you should stop picking your nose