Kim Jong-Un Reads VICE!

Late last year, I went to the North Korean Disneyland. It was great! I mean, I have to be honest, their rollercoaster did need a wash. And the vibe was a little bizarre, totally unlike Six Flags. I mean, maybe you think I was being an imperialist jerk, transposing my Western values of health and safety onto a different world, but...

...they were literally hammering a rollercoaster into place when I got there. Then they sent a bunch of coerced Korean farmers around on it first to make sure it was safe before letting the white devils like me on-board. Thoughtful perhaps, but still quite bloodthirsty and evil.

Anyway, not long after I called North Korea out on its theme park of doom, Big Kim Jong-Il slipped off to trip the light fantastic with Gaddafi and the rest of those guys—possibly due to rollercoaster-related shame. This has left fatty Lil' Kim to steer the country down the path of Righteous Glorious Independence of the Korean Spirit, or whatever they're calling it now. And, in my book, he's doing one hell of a job. He's sent failed rockets to the Sun, commissioned a quite good A-Ha mash-up, and now he's taken my article to heart and turned his eye to theme park maintenance.

So there he is, the new leader of All Things Evil, at the same park I visited, in front of the same rollercoaster I nearly died on, walking around furiously and shaking his fat wrist at all the stuff he's totally fed up with. According to an official report from KCNA, North Korea's news agency, Kim didn't like it at all. He took one look at all the wretched park-workers and decided they weren't grateful enough for the fact they weren't chipping rocks in a gulag on the Siberian border. He told them that they had a "below-zero spirit of serving the people." Then he called them all "pathetic."