how to save a life, as a portion of why I don’t smile

“Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you’ve told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you”

“Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend”
February 1996, one of the hardest days I had ever been through. The death of my Grandmother. The person that raised(reared) me during my early years. I remember getting the phone call of her passing, dropped the phone, and her favorite color was purple. I saw her later. I had family fight over some of her belongings, not for long, but I can smell the bitterness, upset me that family could be that way. A relationship between myself and my parents was difficult enough as it is for any kid, but when you see family grit their teeth at one another, you begin to question goodness. I saw my grandmother later than night, a haze that I wasn’t affraid of around me. Those types of moments get to you, I am sure other people have had significant moments where they don’t want to say anything for fear of embarrassment.

I guess alot of people don’t open their mouths for fear of embarrassment. It’s ashame. You will regret it later, you will reflect on why you didn’t savor in a moment of just ushering out a few words from your throat. It could change everything.

“Somewhere along in the bitterness”
Christian school, aka private school, isn’t what it is all cracked up to be. Not necessarily because of the curriculum or religion that is invoked, but the students and families that do attend.

A kid enters 7th grade, a brand new private school, he had to leave his old school behind because the grade level only went to 6th. So he now has to enter the puberty years learning how to get along with new people, and finding new friends, in a school that is much richer in household incomes than his own families. Not that he minds that he doesn’t have all of the fancier name brand clothes, or shoes, not that he cares his hair is cut much more moderately while liking to smile and joke to make others smile.

Then the years and pressure of being cool set into other kids. So he begins to get pushed during recess while on the playground, or even in between classes, because he is different doesn’t dress with the trendy name on his t-shirt, and just because he is new. The aspect of being picked on isn’t just from boys, and them making fun of his haircut, or the way he wears his socks, or the fact he isn’t as seasoned in playing basketball. Even his basketball coach sits him on the bench and looks past him everytime he looks to substitute. It goes beyond, to the other gender, where the female group says hurtful things to reinforce his new found unconfidence in himself, it is a literal kick between the legs, and it hurts mentally and physically.

When a few physical altercations come his way he doesn’t fight back, but resorts to non violence and backs off. However, it doesn’t help as he is still hit, and kicked anyways, and when reported to the principal, the principal simply says to ‘play nice’. Bitterness sets in and during the final weeks of his 8th grade year, he would rather spend a day bowling during a senior ditch day, then to join the rest of his classmates at Magic Mountain. He stands as one of the top students in his class but is never recognized. His teachers smile and say good job as they are looking somewhere else, and with no apparent sincerity in their voice.

Graduation comes, and it is happy for a moment, the notion to get to move on to bigger and better things, however that day is killed because a parent doesn’t show for the ceremony. An altercation ensued where the kid wanted to play in a cif baseball game than to stay at a final gym party with his classmates of whom he dispised.

Bethany Lutheran school was not a beloved location, but I still wear one of its symbols it attributes its self with on my arm, and I love the cross.

From this I was taught to just work, and not care what anyone thought, and push pain aside, and don’t expect anyone to be there for you. I still use this lesson today. Work, and not expect anyone to want to remember you, even just to talk.

“And I would have stayed up with you all night”
The dark has always been a sort of ally for me. I do most of my thinking then, just sitting at home on my computer, or out driving, or sitting at a beach. I remember many of times, friends hurting, and I would hurt along with them. I feel their pain, even if I haven’t gone through the same situation, i still feel. I have been through my own hell’s, but I know others have theirs, and nothing makes me happier than to be able to help those who mean alot to me, and I know they need it. There have been many friends that I still keep in contact with from time to time.
Others that have gone astray, and some that I don’t understand why they don’t want to communicate. I would listen. I don’t think listening has ever been my problem, if it has please tell me.

I have had enough hard times trying to get others to listen, even the world as a whole. Participation in communication, because communication and not being able to trust and fulfill is going to be our downfall.

Tupac said that he may not change the world, but he would spark the mind that does. I wish I could believe its me. To everyone reading this, if I could and you needed me, as a friend, to my girlfriend, to my family. I would stay up, I would fall for you if ..

“Had I known how to save a life”
sigh, unmotivated, bothered and hurt in a way from not being able to speak my mind when I finally ask for someone to listen. But I will always look for new ways. Friends that are hurting financially or unemployed, if I could find a way to help i would. To those who just want to experience job satisfaction or even getting to work period. With every bit of sweat in my body, i wish i could make that true. For those who just need a smile, I can for kids, and at times for adults, but my brother, mom and others laugh at me because I hardly smile. When I do in a photo finally because I am happy with my family, i know its meant to be lighthearted, but I guess they don’t understand how hard it is for me to do that.
Saving a life with a smile, or just being able to live with a smile.

For me just to help, will make me smile inside.
Outside, sorry, I can’t be sincere.

2007 save a life, don’t be lazy, and strive to motivate and pick up others, because if you are down, you may just find it gratifying to help someone else, and in turn you will feel refreshed.

I know you still won’t listen to me, or maybe even believe me, but, I gave you a hint how to save a life.