Modern fatherhood

Daddy bloggers on peeing contests and how many clothespins a toddler can attach to his wee-wee

There are more Canadian stay-at-home fathers and single dads, and their contributions to domestic work and parenting are heading to "near gender convergence."

Photograph by: Thinkstock
, canada.com

I was trying to write a state-of-the-institution article about fatherhood and got bogged down pretty quickly. There’s just too much to say.

This occurred to me last week when I asked for an interview with Andrea Doucet, the Carleton University sociology professor and author of Do Men Mother?

Of course men parent, and they do it magnificently. But they don’t mother. And it’s a good thing.

There has been a “revolutionary shift” in the involvement of fathers in their children’s lives, says Doucet, who has been researching modern fatherhood for 20 years. There are more Canadian stay-at-home fathers and single dads, and their contributions to domestic work and parenting are heading to “near gender convergence.”

But some things are still the same. The pressure to be a breadwinner is still there for fathers. And just like mothers, they are struggling with work-life balance. In a recent paper, for example, Doucet noted that many new mothers consider their parental leave to be sacrosanct. If some of that precious time off work is given to dad, it is only wrested away through negotiation.

Men and women are still viewed differently as parents. Caregiving fathers aren’t judged as harshly as mothers if the children aren’t dressed properly or housekeeping is lacking. And they shouldn’t be.

“We shouldn’t judge them as mothers. They shouldn’t feel that they should be feminine,” says Doucet. “What men do well is let children go. They get out of the way.”

If reading a mommy blog is like joining a coffee klatch obsessed with dissecting Byzantine kindergarten politics, the daddy blog is more like beer on the porch, a squeamishness-free zone where almost nothing is taboo and no foibles go unmocked.

Take this piece by blogger Cole Gamble, which explores toddlers and their utter lack of bodily inhibition. Gamble breezily discusses his son’s pride at the number of clothespins he can accommodate on his wee-wee and his daughter’s tendency to run around while pulling apart her butt-cheeks and yelling, “I am Super Girl!”

Gamble engages in no hand-wringing about taming the savages. “Do you remember the simple joy of a cheek-slapping fart?” he asks.

Here’s Craig Playstead on the “parent terrorists” who have to make the world a safe and ego-friendly place for every child: “We can’t sterilize, change rules or sugar-coat every friggin’ thing that comes along. If that’s the way you have to be at your house, well that’s your business. Just don’t bring the other families down with you.”

Single father Jim Higley wrote about being both father and mother to his three children, cruising through the four-for-$20 bras on the sale table at Victoria’s Secret and getting that’s-so-sweet comments from the grade-school moms when he brings in cupcakes on snack day (“What was I supposed to do, bring in a case of beer?”).

CK Kaplan wrote about the rite of passage of buying his son’s first jock strap.

“The first thing he did was run downstairs and dare his three-year-old brother to punch him in the crotch,” says Kaplan. “I just hope for his sake his little brother doesn’t catch him when he’s not wearing it.”

There’s no tap dancing around politically sensitive issues for the daddy blogger. If you bleeding hearts don’t agree with daddy’s opinion, well, then bite me.

Here’s Aaron Gouveia on spanking, which he happens to be in favour of after stern lectures and timeouts fail: “I first spanked Will shortly before he turned two. He developed a nasty habit of standing in the dog’s water dish and fiddling with the electrical outlet covers.”

If there is a trifecta of subject matter for daddy bloggers, it’s bodily functions, a competition and the tantalizing possibility of injury, disaster or a mess. Gouveia hit the sweet spot when blogging about holding a peeing contest to help Will learn to use the toilet.

“This must have sparked Will’s competitive spirit because he immediately brightened up and rose to the challenge. I moved his stool to the right so I could fit next to him and we prepared for a phallic duel of epic proportions.”

Remember Amy Chua, the Yale law professor who wrote Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother? (“To get good at anything, you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences.”)

Chua was practically publicly drawn and quartered for her frank observations on the differences between Chinese and Western parenting. Both men and women are less judgmental about men as fathers than they are about women as mothers. You have to wonder if reaction would have been different if the book was written by a “Tiger Father” who insisted that producing a high-achieving child takes hard work and no-nonsense parenting.

There are a lot of different kinds of mothers, but every one of them is judged by others to be the wrong kind. There’s not a lot of debate about different kinds of fathers, says Doucet. (Chua, in fact, wrote that her own father once called her “garbage” after she was disrespectful to her mother. She says she felt terrible, but it didn’t harm her self-esteem. “I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn’t actually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage.”)

The mommy wars are never-ending, but there are no daddy wars. If the Tiger Mother had been a Tiger Father, “perhaps the book would have been received as interesting observations on cross-generational challenges for immigrant families and how a parent had to change their parenting approach in response to one headstrong teenager,” says Doucet.

“Being involved with one’s kids is seen as a good thing for dads. But the shape of that involvement is not scrutinized in the same way that it is for moms.”

So blog on, mommies. You have to be brave to put your parenting out there for public scrutiny. And blog on, daddies. You’re showing us the other side of the parenthood coin. The bodily functions and competition side. The tigerish side.

We encourage all readers to share their views on our articles and blog posts. We are committed to maintaining a lively but civil forum for discussion, so we ask you to avoid personal attacks, and please keep your comments relevant and respectful. If you encounter a comment that is abusive, click the "X" in the upper right corner of the comment box to report spam or abuse. We are using Facebook commenting. Visit our FAQ page for more information.

Almost Done!

Postmedia wants to improve your reading experience as well as share the best deals and promotions from our advertisers with you. The information below will be used to optimize the content and make ads across the network more relevant to you. You can always change the information you share with us by editing your profile.

By clicking "Create Account", I hearby grant permission to Postmedia to use my account information to create my account.

I also accept and agree to be bound by Postmedia's Terms and Conditions with respect to my use of the Site and I have read and understand Postmedia's Privacy Statement. I consent to the collection, use, maintenance, and disclosure of my information in accordance with the Postmedia's Privacy Policy.

Postmedia wants to improve your reading experience as well as share the best deals and promotions from our advertisers with you. The information below will be used to optimize the content and make ads across the network more relevant to you. You can always change the information you share with us by editing your profile.

By clicking "Create Account", I hearby grant permission to Postmedia to use my account information to create my account.

I also accept and agree to be bound by Postmedia's Terms and Conditions with respect to my use of the Site and I have read and understand Postmedia's Privacy Statement. I consent to the collection, use, maintenance, and disclosure of my information in accordance with the Postmedia's Privacy Policy.