Restaurant Guide 2011: How to Eat in a Restaurant

A primer by real-life chef Jeff McCarthy.

The blogosphere is inundated with the musings and
lamentations of the service industry: servers bitching about customers,
cooks bitching about servers, and customers bitching about it all. There
are stories we’ve all heard before: the guy on table 11 stretching his
glass of syrah over nine courses and then leaving $10 on $200; the surly
cook, flinging pans and obscenities, furious as the menu is
cut-and-pasted into oblivion. None of it is new, and there is probably
nothing that can be done to stop the cycle of diner-server-cook angst,
but fear not! Here are a few tips to ensure that you avoid an auto-grat
or an application of “special sauce.”

1. Show Respect.The person bringing you your food is not your personal whipping
post. Sure, they work in a relatively entry-level field. They may not
understand the intricacies of patent lawyering or whatever it is that
you do, but does that mean they deserve your embittered scorn for
suggesting a dry Riesling with the fish? And that cook? That cook is
working harder than you ever will for less than you pay your
housekeeper. So give him a smile, not for sympathy but empathy.

2. Order From the Fucking Menu.Contrary to popular belief, a menu is not a
guide. You want it your way, right away? You know where to go. The chef
did not envision “holding the boquerones,” or “subbing grilled veggies”
on a dish he spent weeks perfecting. Where do you even see “grilled
veggies” on the menu, anyway? And have mercy on your server, because any
substitution or off-menu ordering on your ticket is going to get him or
her straight reamed for letting it happen.

3. Be Reasonable.If something is wrong with your food, or the service, or the
gangster-rap soundtrack playing, let someone know! No one is benefiting
from your scathing Yelp review, and it’s a surefire way to ensure that
your issue won’t be fixed but become yet another reason cooks, servers
and restaurateurs hate you. So your cornbread was cold. So your steak
was overcooked. So your server reeks of cigarettes or worse. So you say
something, or you don’t go back. Don’t go online and badmouth the place
out of existence. They want to make you happy—it’s their business.