Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) – Reacting to a new report claiming young people in the Netherlands are less likely than their American counterparts to get pregnant or carry sexually transmitted diseases, U.S. health officials today announced that America’s teens should have sex with the Dutch.

“If this study is correct, young people in the Netherlands are much safer for our young people to have sex with,” said Health and Human Services Secretary Tommy Thompson. “Therefore, if you’re going to have sex anyway, the U.S. government would like you to do it with a Dutch person.”

Thompson added that officials in the Netherlands were not asked their opinion on the new “Dutch sex is safe sex” program. “They might have said no,” he explained.

Across the United States, meanwhile, thousands of high school students were busily amending their virginity-till-marriage pledge cards, promising to remain chaste until they meet a citizen of the Netherlands.

I want to wait for my true love,
And so I pledge this now much,
I will remain a virgin till,I take my wedding vow I meet somebody Dutch.