My history making things cloudy.

TLDR: I’m concerned that a conversation with my husband about our sex life is leading to him making an outcry. Or my history of sexual abuse is coloring my perceptions. I want to make this easier on him than it was on me, but I don’t want to create something out of nothing.

I don’t know how to make this shorter. My history-sexual abuse from toddler to 10. At least 3 separate people (I know for sure 2 men, 1 woman) and one very weird kid on kid situation. Very, very smart, charismatic, narcissist mother who convinced the shrinks I was being dramatic at mental health intake when I was being seen after a suicide attempt at 5. Who smoothed over and erased concerns when I received a dozen long stem red roses from the last abuser WHILE IN A MENTAL HEALTH FACILTY when I was 10, after another suicide attempt. I made one deliberate out cry in family therapy with her at 11, discussing ONLY the kid on kid stuff and she went into hysterics and took over the session and it was never mentioned by therapist again. This was at a school for mentally ill children, school in morning, therapy in afternoon, closed a few years after I left for killing a kid. I was unable to deal with any of this until the last six years. It was also six years ago that I cut off my mother. I haven’t hurt myself in 5, haven’t tried to kill myself with drink/drugs also in that time span. I’m doing great now! I’m not fixed, but I’m also not having nightmares and panic attacks and uncontrollable rage any more, and I have a pretty healthy relationship. Side note-part of the narc abuse from my mother was reframing my right-on-the-fucking-money intuition as being skilled at pushing people’s buttons/hurting people.

Okay. But this about my husband. We’ve been having some issues with our sex life, from his end. In the course of working it out, he has had multiple panic attacks from seemingly out of nowhere. He’s not anxiety prone, this only ever happens in these conversations.

Last night, we sat down to talk and try and drill down to where this anxiety and freezing is coming from. I asked if he ever had these feelings associated with sex before. He said maybe the first couple of times. I started asking for details, because it had already occurred to me that his reaction to some stuff was ringing abuse bells to me but I have a hard time (see above) trusting my gut. So, the story I got was, he dated this girl for a few months in high school. He was 17, she was 15 or 16. He was a virgin, she was not. When I asked for details....who initiated? He mentally locked up, froze, started panicking. I was being very gentle, not at all confrontational, not demanding, just quietly asking a question.

That’s not normal right? We’ve talked about our sex life before, we’ve talked sexy talk during sex before. It’s only certain things that seem to trigger him. I’m worried that I’m projecting all over the place and I’m worried that my instincts in this are wrong because narc mom convinced me for years that I had “an active imagination.” But I genuinely believe that something is very, very wrong.

I’m not asking you guys to diagnose him. I need your perspective to help me figure out if I should keep trying to help him work through this or if you recognize signs that this is way above my pay grade as a spouse. Or if I’m still so traumatized that I see abuse everywhere.

As for seeking professional help. Welp. I included my history to show you why I have deep, deep trust issues with mental health professionals. I’m sure some are great, but the ones you get on welfare FUCKING SUCK. I don’t want to damage my husband any further, but I also know from experience that you can never heal if you never acknowledge and confront your own history. I will fight my feelings on this if need be.

Thank you. And yes, this is a throwaway I made because I don’t keep online IDs longer than a few months, too easy for people to track and find you.

I don’t think you’re imagining things. Something is bothering your boyfriend. Whether that means he was raped is a separate question. But clearly, his first few sexual experiences were traumatic to him for whatever reason. I think continuing to explore the issue (when he feels comfortable) and assuring him you’ll support him is a good path to go down. I would also make sure to let him know that it’s okay to be upset by something that “wasn’t that bad” compared to the abuse you experienced. It’s a common fear when disclosing to another survivor of sexual assault/abuse. Even without therapy, there are a variety of ways to go about healing. You can find many suggestions for organizations online like 1in6.org and livingwell.org.au

This is a subreddit designed to give a place for survivors of all abuse to come together to share their stories, vent, and to assist one another in healing. We want to celebrate success, give acceptance, and support one another. The only rule is to respect one another, and understand how very difficult it is to expose such a vulnerable part of one's life. This will be a *safe place.*