I Want All Humans to Stop Sneezing Right This Minute

I’d like to apologize to all my readers for my unplanned one-week hiatus. I had a column specially prepared for Presidents Day, but apparently Catster isn’t interested in my opinions about certain “potentially offensive topics” connected to presidents (American or otherwise) including “slavery,” “drone attacks,” “gun control,” and “Armenian genocide.” Alternately: I get Presidents Day off. So, I guess, that must make me the president.

Cold and flu season is well upon us, Mommy and Daddy are both sick, and so it’s time to talk about an important issue: sneezing. And why humans shouldn’t be allowed to do it.

I'm too mopy to pose for the camera right now.

Whenever Daddy or Mommy sneeze, I register my disapproval, usually by running full speed out of the room and going somewhere safe for a while. Ziggy does the same. You never see either of us flee if it’s a cat doing the sneezing. The reasoning for this is simple. Humans, you sneeze wrong.

Have you ever heard a cat sneeze? Our sneezes are quiet and quick. Your sneezes are loud and forceful, and they echo through the halls of apartments and condominiums. Try to imagine what would happen if you fired one of those things off in the wild when you were sneaking up on a small bird or rodent. Answer: You’d scare off your prey and end up starving. So, you shouldn’t sneeze, because you can to starve to death.

Ziggy implores you to please stop sneezing.

Second reason humans shouldn’t sneeze: It interferes with other important bodily functions. As Blackie Carlin once pointed out, thumb beasts can’t sneeze and urinate at the same time. Nor can they sneeze and fart at the same time. The latter could cause some sort of horrible bodily eruption, which can kill you. As a cat, I am concerned about the well-being of my thumb beasts, mostly because of their monopoly over the gravy supply. I also want all humans to be able to fart and pee properly -- so, don’t sneeze.

Daddy claims that you can’t just pass a law against sneezing, and that there’s some kind of right to sneeze in the U.S. Constitution. Well, I just did a web search for "constitution and sneezing," and it’s not in there. The only reference I can find to it is a quote from Mr. Snuggles Jefferson’s human, talking about snuff as a cure for hiccups. Daddy says that the reason has to do with “judicial review,” which is when courts step in and say that laws can’t do certain things.

You sneeze and I listen to the "devil music." It's a vicious circle.

Well, any judge who says you can’t make sneezing illegal is practicing judicial activism. “Judicial activism” means “judges making a decision that I don’t like.” You can tell someone’s political affiliation by how they use the term “judicial activism.” I’m what Daddy calls a “despot.” That means I favor all power being mine to command. So I think it’s pretty clear that any judge who disagrees with me is a judicial activist.

This is what we do to "judicial activists" in my house.

And you know what we do to judicial activists? We poop in their shoes. So, don’t be a judicial activist, and don’t sneeze.