I'm so confused about everything, whats the first step to feeling better?

August 21, 20056:04 pm

ToBeOrNot

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This the second time posting and I have so much to learn about Co-dependency. I'm so confused about everything. I'm confused about me and why I feel the way I do. I'm confused about my marriage of almost 20 years and dealing with his family. I'm confused about what I want. I feel I lost my self, my identity, my personality when I got married. I lost my friends and the ability to make and keep friends because I got married. I dont go no where, do anything unless its with his family or my kids. A couple months ago a friend from highschool got in touch with me and I met up with her. It was so nice to get out without kids or his family. We talked and I laughed, I felt like my old me. I was out a couple hours and guess what? My husband had my daughter call me and tell me where I was and when i was coming home. I told her I wouldn't be long. I was so imbarrassed after that call, I felt like a child being reprimanded. Needless to say I left and went home and I stopped to get some food for all of us at Burger King because no one at dinner. It was like 8:00. My husband was so mad at me and yelled at me because I was out a little longer than expected. Well that has been a couple months ago and I haven't been out since. I cant stand how I'm feeling. I cant stand the guilt if I do anything or go anywhere. I feel so lonely and sad all the time. I'm a good person, why do I take this. I always took 2nd best, I never ask for anything. I always just get by when I see so many people getting what they want. Even as a kid I never got anything new, always hand me downs or something someone else didn't want. I have been married for almost 20 years and I never had a honeymoon. My house I live in is a trailer, old trailer. I have 3 kids and its hard, never had anything new always used. My car is used. I guess I should be thankful for alot and stop complaining about what I dont have and be thankful for what I do. But the point is I have done that all my life, dont I deserve better? Dont I deserve to be happy? I want so bad to be happy again, its been so long since I felt that. I really cant remember when I was. Oh well, I guess time will only tell. Thanks for listening!

August 21, 20056:33 pm

Rasputin

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Hey ToBe,

Welcome to this site. I hope it will be an enriching experience. I feel so sorry for what had happened in your life. Yet I sense some hope when you said that you should focus on what you have not what you do not.

Yes, you do sound codependent even ver codep. I would recommend you to start attend coda meeting. If you logon http://www.coda.org you will have access to the nearest coda meeting in your district. They also have coda online meetings in case you cannot go out.

I would also recommend you to purchase the book "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie. I have just bought it recently and it is making real sense in my life helping me to release my friend with joy to my HP.

Coming to this site was real blessing to me. The wonderful smart people really made difference in my life. I hope it will be the same to you.

~Love, RAS~

August 21, 20057:07 pm

StronginHim77

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Dear ToBeOrNot,

My heart really goes out to you. When I read your story, my heart just broke for all you have suffered. Yes, dear friend...it is OKAY for you to have time out with friends, away from kids and husband. Yes, dear friend, it is OKAY for you to need some privacy, some identity apart from wife & mother. Yes, dear friend, it is OKAY for you to get breaks from the unending duties and burdens of motherhood and housewife. You must NOT feel guilty for having these BASIC NEEDS. You have a right to these needs. They are NORMAL. I truly hope that you continue coming to this site and educating yourself on codependency. I am 55 and just now beginning to understand that I am codependent. It has made the past 35 years of confusion and emotional anguish in all my relationships SUDDENLY MAKE SENSE. Now, I understand my guilt. Now, I understand the deep depression and underlying anger & resentment which has been building up in me over the years. Now, I understand the connection between my childhood and the men I have selected throughout my adult life, all of them controlling and (in 3 out of 4) alcoholics. For me, love = pain. But now it is time for us to get our OWN needs met. That is healthy, Godly and OKAY. So, I will look forward to hearing more from you. God bless you. This is a safe place. Welcome to our little family!

August 21, 20057:23 pm

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I wouldn't worry about not having anything new, as long as they work, like the car. Material possessions really aren't what it's about. Though I absolutely hate, I mean, really hate, trailer houses!

Have you discussed your feelings with your husband? CAN you discuss your feelings with your husband? If not, maybe a pastor or religious worker. If you don't have the money, there are other programs that could help. You will find many helpful suggestions on the site. Just remember, they are suggestions. You pick and choose what works for you.

I don't know your situation, but it sounds like you are at the beginning of realization of your problem. This is a wonderful site. You will find many things in common with both the men and the women who post here. You may be surprised to find that your story is repeated over and over. Some of us have recovered from that empty feeling, some are still struggling to complete the first few steps.

I haven't posted here in a while, so my writing seems a little rusty and all over the place (at least to me).

Just remember to listen to yourself. You know something isn't right and now is the time to do something about it.

Gully

August 22, 20058:59 am

ToBeOrNot

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Thanks! I need to talk now, I haven't been able to talk or get my feelings out for a long, long time. I dont think I really did talk, even as a child. I held in so many emotions, I held in secrets of being sexually abused, I always had to cover up and hide my emotions. To me it was easier to hide than to explain. I've done that for well as long as I can remember. I'm 39 years old and I probabably think since the age of 9 or 10 when I remember things happening. Then as I got older, dealing with my dads drinking and his emotional abuse, putting me down. You see I was the oldest of 4 kids and it was my fault for not keeping the house clean. My mom had to work alot so she wasn't home. My dad was hurt in constructiona and not able to work due to many back problems, so he drank. He felt sorry for himself and threatened on different occasions of committing suicide. I remember waking up at 3:00 in the morning hearing him call me down to talk. Well at first its just a talk, I usually get him something to eat and he would want me to sit down and talk. I knew what was coming, because it happened almost every night. He would start putting me down because I couldn't get everything done what he wanted. He would also put himself down and say that he was a nobody because he couldn't work. He would apoligize to me because he drank. He would apoligize to me taking my paycheck to drink on rather than get groceries. Sometimes we would have a good evening and I would start to talk about good things and that would help with the conversation until he would pass out. I found him sometimes on the floor passed out. I would just make sure he was breathing, I would then feel at ease. I had many many nights like that. I feel like my life has been a lie. I feel like I was cheated out on so much as a child. I now feel like I have been cheated out as an adult. Dont get me wrong, I love my 3 children, they are what keeps me going. They are my strength sometimes. I have an 19 year old, 17 year old and a 2 year old. Sometimes though my energy level is so low, I feel so bad for my baby. She wants a mommy to play and read and just do stuff and I feel guilty because I want to but I cant. I want to feel better, I hate the feelings I have now. It is hard everyday to do the same thing, day in and day out. I cry, of course I cant cry in front of no one because than there will be asking why and they dont understand. Too much time has passed and I dont think I could explain my life and my pasts. Again its just easier to keep quiet than to explain. I have a hard time talking to my husband because he feels that its all in the head on how you feel. He dont believe in medication to help someone with there mental state. Its amazing how much I have been through and never, ever went to the doctor for depression, never took medication for depression. My husbands sister has been diagnosed as depressed and bipolar and you should here my husband, he thinks the doctor just prescribes to quick. I'm afraid to go to the doctor and actually be diagnosed as depressed or codependant or whatever they say. I'm just so mixed now and sad. I dont talk to anyone because I dont have anyone to talk to. Thank God for the internet. I feel like I cant do nothing without feeling like I'm doing something wrong. For instance yesterday I was on my computer on a site I always go to. It was a baby center site and my husband saw a map quest someone posted. They were giving directions of where to meet. Of course I wasn't meeting them but a couple of the mothers were and my husband saw this and he made a comment, who you meeting? I told him it wasn't for me I was just looking then later on I went on a weight loss site and he about flipped because I was on a weight loss site. He dont know it but I lost my weight from ordering on line diet pills. He thinks I lost it on my own watching what I eat and stuff. He dont realize I lost it with the help of the diet pills. It helped with my self esteem but I still dont like my self. I can always find something wrong with me.

Oh well, I guess your tired of hearing me go on and on about my life and me. I am so glad I can talk to someone though, its lonely here.

August 22, 20059:27 am

GullyFoyle

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Well, you know, thinking things over in your head isn't the same as actually putting the words out there. That takes a lot of courage, when you begin to say things out loud.

You don't always have to take drugs for depression or other problems like that. However, a lot of times, depression could be a symptom of another problem. That's why a lot of psychologists and other professionals want their clients to have a complete physical. First you rule out the physical, then move to the mental.

But it sounds like you are moving in the right direction. It seems to me that you have a lot of stuff that you want to get out, to talk about. That's what we are here for. To talk, to listen, to respond, to complain (sometimes a lot of that goes on). But it is still better to talk to someone in person. I always recomment that, though I don't always do it myself. I am still learning how to be a sociable human being myself.

It just takes time. I chomp at the bit sometimes, not wanting to wait. I want it to be better NOW! Then I stop and think, you know, it took me a long time to get to this point in my life and it will probably take as long to make it better. But moving in the right direction, even just a little bit, is so much better than the way it has been.

Gully

August 22, 20059:46 am

ToBeOrNot

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Gully,

I'm not sure if I can wait for another 20-30 years to actually feel like my self, whatever that feels like. I have been numb for way to long and I dont know what its like to actually feel. I know I will learn something everyday and that will take me one day closer to healing. Right now its hard, all I do is cry. I haven't cried like this in so long. What I think is making me cry is the day I found out about Co-Dependency. Since then something just snapped. I am so freaking emotional now and I feel so overwelmed I dont know where to start. I dont know if I can do this alone. I dont want to fail! Lately I have been feel like, is it all worth it in the long wrong. What will I get out of it? I hope I get my self worth back, I hope I get some self esteem back.

August 23, 20051:19 pm

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Dear ToBe,

Just keep coming back to this site and talking about what you are feeling. It doesn't all resolve quickly. Reading what others are saying, and trying to "get it" ourselves, takes time. Take care of yourself physically -- go for walks, or runs, or whatever gets you active physically. It activates your body in a good way and helps you feel a little better, less sluggish, just helps you get into a little better frame of mind. Drink a lot of water!!

Just keep talking about what you are feeling. We know how overwhelming it is to reach this point, but you have always had a self-reliancy to get you through, or you'd never have gotten through childhood. You're really OK. IT IS WORTH IT!!!

All of the people on this site are working on how to become better, more self-realised, healthier and happier. I think we can help.