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Things My Husband Says

The following is a list of ridiculous things my husband has said that you may or may not find amusing. Sometimes, it will just be a phrase. And other times it may have an explanation with it. Either way, I hope you enjoy these silly things.

PLEASE NOTE: These are my husband’s views, with context filled in by me. I do not always share or endorse my husband’s views on things, so please if you see something you don’t agree with, feel free to ask my opinion on it at the bottom of the page in the comments section. Thank you.

My husband will not pay to see a Russell Crowe film. Or anything with his name attached to it. I have no idea what exactly the actor said or did that made him so angry at him, but I can only assume it had to do with American politics and, presumably, our current President, Barack Obama. Anyway, I learned this ages ago, but it popped up again recently when we watched Noah. He said, “The only reason I’m even watching this train wreck is because you checked it out for free.” To which my reply was “Would you pay a late fee on a Russell Crowe movie?” His response?…. “I’ll take a $30 book with me, ask to speak to the librarian, and donate a book instead of pay a $1 fine. I WILL NOT PAY FOR A RUSSELL CROWE MOVIE!”….. This is but one of many in the original idea for this additional page. I was initially going to call the page “No Monetary Actions Involving Russell Crowe”.

Upon hearing Spongebob’s father tell his mother “Well, he’s your son,” in the season 8 episode where the Squarepants family (plus Patrick Star) went on vacation, this is what my husband had to say: “He’s not Spongebob’s dad! Oh shit, she cheated on him!” – The alternative explanation given in that same conversation was “He’s Spongebob’s stepdad.” As well as, “Sea sponges reproduce by budding. He budded off his mom, so his dad had nothing to do with it.”

“Liam Neeson is on my Russell Crowe list!” – This was said after my husband read an article about Liam Neeson’s views on guns. My husband then proceeded to point out that, “Almost all of his movies have him being this big gun toting motherf—-r and glamorizing guns! And he’s gonna…. His movies are like hour and a half long pro-gun commercials! What the hell!”

When getting himself a plate of Tuna Helper for dinner, this transpired. Him:Are these orange things carrots?…..Me:Yeah. Him:Oh, good. I thought they were baby shrimp. Me:What? Him:I don’t know. The thought of it being baby shrimp is depressing. And I don’t know why.

“[Ashley] Judd is on my Russell Crowe list. She compared Hillary Rodham Clinton, and I quote ‘She is probably the most overqualified candidate we’ve had since Thomas Jefferson.’ Either she needs to be euthanized or she needs to be given an Oscar for saying that line like she believes it, because that is some fucking acting. She actually was on Larry King and she is sitting there, she is just gushing, I swear to god she must be a closeted lesbian with the hots for Hillary because her devotion to Hillary goes way beyond a worship of a person who’s politics you believe in., This is bordering on restraining order obsession…. She probably would say that Benghazi was made up to make her look bad, and that it was all false and created by her enemies. Like that level of devotion.” – Make of this what you will. This was stated out of the blue while I’m watching the Spongebob Movie.

“May your poop be a masculine poop.”

Upon meeting one of my favorite actors, John Barrowman, at DragonCon 2017, my husband had intended to say “Hi” but what came out of his mouth was “This is for my wife. Will you grab my butt.”