Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers!

San Francisco is looking at a public nudity ban for anyone older than five. Which means that you had better get that streaking urge out of your system before you hit the big 0-6.Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner says the debt limit should be lifted to infinity. Even if that happens, there will still be a way that Congress will overspend it.A retail research consultant says that retailers have "basically ruined every holiday." Except, of course the 4th of July where no one has to convince people to drink excessively and shoot off fireworks.A survey says that boys will take risks in order to improve their body image. When they become men their lifestyle involves taking risks that completely destroy their body image.A Catholic Bishop in California has apologized for allowing a convicted child molester onto school grounds. He says it was just force of habit.A study says that great apes may have a "midlife crisis". So when you see an orangutan trying to squeeze into a red Porsche convertible with a hot little chimp, he's just feeling the years creeping up.A study says that great apes may have a "midlife crisis". Which for gorillas that usually live to be about 30 it means they are barely teenagers before they start acting like creepy old men.A study says that unemployment may raise the risk of having a heart attack. Although not as much as having a job and wondering how long it will be until you are unemployed.The maker of 5 Hour Energy drink raided an operation that made and was storing 2 Million counterfeit bottles. The product reportedly used inferior ingredients and would only give people using it 4 1/2 hours of energy.Kodak says it will keep 15,000 photo kiosks at CVS stores through 2016. It could generate business from as many as three people who are still shooting on film.U.S. home sales rose unexpectedly in October. Mostly because anything positive that happens with the economy is pretty much unexpected anymore.

Ford is adding a three cylinder engine to its Fiesta. Or as a three cylinder engine was known to Ford owners back in the 1970s, the Ford V-8.

The New York Stock Exchange has hired former DHS Chief Michael Chertoff to investigate an SEC security breach. Which means every stockbroker at the Exchange will have to start by removing their shoes before they go on the trading floor.

A British study says that laughter can increase a person’s tolerance for pain. Ironically, the most pain felt by many Americans is when they try to watch reruns of “According To Jim”.

A study says that 90% of teenage boys and 80% of teenage girls are exercising to become more buff. Of course, “exercise” now means playing video games all day and “buff” means anything less than morbidly obese.

A study says having a little brother can raise a person’s blood pressure. Especially when that brother is Stephen Baldwin.

A study says that more than half of people 65 and older sleep as long and as well as younger adults. Which doesn’t mean anything since younger adults are kept up all night by their kids and worrying if they will have their job or home the next day.

A ratings service says that people trended to over to the radio for information during Hurricane Sandy. Mostly to request Bob Dylan’s “Hurricane”, Neil Young’s “Like A Hurricane” and The Scorpions’ “Rock You Like A Hurricane”.

A ratings service says that people trended to over to the radio for information during Hurricane Sandy. It would have been an even higher number except that most people under 30 have no idea what a radio even is.

The Situation from “Jersey Shore” accidentally tweeted his phone number. Then he accidentally e-mailed it to every agent in Hollywood since his phone has stopped ringing after the show went off the air.

The American Music Awards saw its ratings fall to an all time low. Industry experts were confused. Why was anyone ever watching the American Music Awards?

Miami has self imposed a bowl ban for the second straight year because of an NCAA investigation. As opposed to UNLV which has had a self imposed bowl ban since 2000 because their team can’t qualify anyway.

Scientists say they have built an artificial muscle out of carbon yarn. To which Barry Bonds is asking if that shows up on any tests?

A vending machine in Toronto dispenses a random book for $2. Although people who got “Looking For Mr. Goodbar” were upset because they thought it was a candy machine and wanted a Mr. Goodbar.

A study says that U.S. teens lead the way with risky online behavior. It’s just nice to know that U.S. teens are finally the best in the world at something.

An app on Google’s mobile operating system eliminated the month of December. Which means that half the people with the app will finally have a chance to get through the end of the year and not be completely bankrupt.

Photos of Einstein’s brain have revealed clues as to why he was such a genius. For one thing, it ran on two “D” batteries instead of the smaller “AA” size.

Photos of Einstein’s brain have revealed clues as to why he was such a genius. Apparently the post it note with “E=MC2” made it easy for him to remember his Theory of Relativity.

The Census Bureau says its new formula shows that California is the poorest state, with 23.5% of the people living below the poverty line. The poverty line in California is pretty much defined as the city limits of Bakersfield.

The Census Bureau says its new formula shows that California is the poorest state, with 23.5% of the people living below the poverty line. The other 76.5% were able to sell their homes before the real estate crash.

A new film says that Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman were murdered by a serial killer. What’s new about that? His name is O.J. Simpson.

An advisory council says that white collar federal employees make 35% less than their counterparts in the private sector. Mostly because they spend half their time figuring out how much less they are being paid than everyone else.

An advisory council says that white collar federal employees make 35% less than their counterparts in the private sector. But on the other hand, they get to waste 1,000% more money doing their jobs than people working for private companies who actually have to account for what they do.

A poll says that most Americans view Mexico negatively. Mostly out of jealousy that the Peso is actually doing better than the dollar.

A poll says that most Americans view Mexico negatively. Which isn’t saying much since most Americans also have negative views of Canada, Central and South America, China, India, France, Germany and Poland.

Florida Senator Marco Rubio refused to estimate the Earth’s age, saying he isn’t a scientist. He knows the only thing worse than guessing too young on the Earth’s age is guessing too old on a woman’s age.

A survey says that 45% of Americans would prefer to skip Christmas. The other 55% don’t have relatives visiting for the holidays.

A survey says that 45% of Americans would prefer to skip Christmas. Mostly because they are already thinking of how they will be working to June to pay off January’s bills.

A study says that most doctors don’t talk about stress to their patients. Mostly because their patients are already too stressed out thinking about what the doctor is going to say to them.

A study says that most doctors don’t talk about stress to their patients. Apparently they know the patient will pretty much experience it for themselves when they get the doctor’s bill.

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Well, it’s been two weeks since the election and it feels like a vacation. No political junk mail, no political commercials and no polling phone calls. No wonder we are all so ready to give thanks after the elections. Just make sure to remember to always send the love!