A LITTLE OFF THE TOP: Caving in to a great deal

Tuesday

May 2, 2017 at 10:41 AMMay 2, 2017 at 10:41 AM

Stuart Green sgreen@wickedlocal.com

The search for a man cave is never-ending – until it stops. But there was a time when man caves actually were early man caves, as evidenced by hieroglyphics of a pre-fab edition of, “Better Home & Homosapiens,” recently dug up.

There was a lot of reading between the lines, which is quite a feat as there was no reading back then. Or lines. Still…

“So, I’m a little tired of looking at the same four off-brown rocks, the same off-black mud floor, the same off-beige tree stumps - although I am quite fond of off-beige. But I’m looking for a new hole in the wall.”

“Well, you’ve come to the right person. I am the top cave-seller around. I live up to my motto, “If it’s a cave you crave, I’ll get you a boulder before you’re older.”

“Great. Well, first, I’m a real tree-climber and vine grabber. I'm a mover and a shaker - with emphasis on the move yet still enough left over for a shake. So I’m looking for something with a view. Perhaps in the volcano market before it cools.”

“Oh, I’ve got just the home – Prehistoric Place. But don’t let the name fool you – it has all the conveniences – standing water, mud, dried dirt floor, mud, built-in rock ledges. Did I mention the mud? It's all the craze. Oh, and this crazy new thing called fire.”

“Oh, I heard about that one. It’ll never catch on. And who needs it? I think Global Cooling is a hoax. Besides, I need a place to put my mother-in-law while I’m busy at work stomping on pebbles and scratching my back on elongated pieces of bark all day.“

“Well, this would be ideal for her. It has an assisted pushing section for the elderly. An aide will come in every day and push her to get her going.”

“Well, that sounds nice. She's from the older generation so she's not downright upright. How many rooms are there?”

“Well, it’s a cave, so that’d be one. But it’s a big one. And the whole place comes in stereo.”

“Stereo?”

“Yeah, whatever you say will be echoed off the walls. And speaking of walls and ceilings, the stelagmites have been beautifully decorated into classic antelopes.”

“My, that does sound appealing - although my tastes run toward elk. What is the neighborhood like?”

“Well, it’s an older crowd. There’s a lovely Cro-Magnon couple next door, but there is a Neanderthal across the street who will want you to listen to his latest grunts.”

“Paradise. I think I’ll take it. Let’s make it official and do that crazy new palm-rubbing activity. I’ll call my broker for fiduciary advice and financing options. After all, we're not primitive”

Stuart Green is an editor for GateHouse Media New England. He can be reached at sgreen@wickedlocal.com.