9 out of 10 Special Security Officers (SSOs) recommend high-level intelligence figures use SCIF Spray™ when talking to reporters about national security on an unclassified phone while in a public area.

“Let me be clear: if you like your homosexual jihadi sex partner, you may keep your homosexual jihadi sex partner. My new plan doesn’t change that. But listen, sexual harassment is never OK, even on Thursdays,”

Perplexed by a government that is $17 trillion in debtyet can still find $1.6 billion dollars in bribe money for its erstwhile “ally” Pakistan, and denied the ability to re-enlist in the US military due to a massive drawdown and policy changes related to tattoos, large numbers of former US servicemembers are flocking to join Pakistan’s armed forces, in part, we’re told, “because they still have money.” Reporters with enabling support from anonymous backers in an underground organization known only as “ShadowSpear,” traveled to the rugged and lawless Federally Administered Tribal Region (FATA) of Pakistan for this exclusive story.

General Raymond Odierno, the Army’s Chief of Staff, announced today that the Army was considering a plan to do away with the entire Non-Commissioned Officers Corps in favor of contract provided personnel, or CPs.