ARA: I need to ask my neighbor to quiet down without sounding like a b*&%$

Later today I will NICELY inform the new girl upstairs that someone does in fact, live below her! The lack of sleep I’ve had this week due to her lack of consideration (or knowledge?) has been ridiculous!

36 Responses

I look forward to the responses as well – I have either the fattest person in America living above me or the rudest. The stomping and heavy walking is unreal! Plus the a$$ has a few pets that really contribute nicely to the noise level. Why oh why can’t I stay in one place so I can have a house!

@ JT if you recall I had the fattest person in America living above me. In fact after I moved out of my apartment I read a review that made mention of the elelphant that clomps around every morning at 4am…

Start off by saying that you realize no apartment is soundproof and the floors are probably made too thin. Give specific examples like: “I can hear you vacuuming at 11pm. I can actually hear your cats when they run down the hall and every step you take if you don’t take your shoes off. I can hear every time you flush your toilet and on a good day I can actually hear pieces of your phone conversation as you lay in your bed at night.” Some of these things she can control and some she can’t. If she’s snotty or non-responsive, turn her in to the landlord.
I told my upstairs neighbor I could actually hear her urinating in the night after she tore up all her carpet and installed laminate floors. She said “really??!! I never hear anything through the floor”.

You need to be more specific about what your neighbor is doing that is so annoying. If she is blasting her music/TV, or moving things around in the middle of the night, that is one thing; OTOH, if she is, say, up and walking about getting ready for work at 7:00 AM and you are pissed because you want to sleep until 9:00 AM, that’s another.

Assuming it’s the first scenario: go to her and NICELY explain to her that you need your sleep because you have to be up to go to work at x time AM, that she is not living in a college dorm anymore, and that you would appreciate it if she would keep her noise on HER side of the floor/ceiling divide. If there is a “quiet enjoyment” clause in your lease, I would take that and point it out to her as well.

If she doesn’t oblige, then go to your landlord about it (and make sure you are documenting everything – incidents, conversations with the neighbor – along the way). You should have had a conversation with your landlord, previous to signing your own lease, as to how (s)he deals with incidents like this between tenants. My own landlord is very clear on the fact that I, being the longest-running tenant in his building, will not tolerate the noise of any tenants in the other 3 apartments where I live, nor will I put up with anyone else’s car in my assigned spot in our lot – that’s why I’ve been living in the same place for 11 years :-).

If your landlord isn’t as conscientious, and refuses to address the problem, you can break the lease and move, as that would be what is termed “constructive eviction” – the landlord knows about a “quality of life” issue and doesn’t do anything to rectify it.

If it’s foot noises, then I think you’re out of luck. If you don’t live on the top floor, you are going to have to hear you upstairs neighbors walking around. Granted some people do have a much heavier foot than others.

If it’s loud music, just call the cops or complain to the apartment manager. There is absolutely no good in confronting your neighbors.

Maybe try turning your music up loud once and only for a little while to see if they get the hint.

It’s not always the tenant’s fault – I lived in an apartment where every step I took the floor made banging noises because the building was so old. I couldn’t walk around without sounding like a dinosaur, even if I was moving very lightly. I’m not sure what the upstairs person is doing to you (is she stomping around? is she playing music too loud? can you hear her TV all night? What exactly is the problem here?) but just make sure you start it with “I’m not sure if you know how loud your noises sound down here…”

In that old apartment, the downstairs tenants told me very rudely to stop stomping down the stairs and would bang on the walls if I moved around too much in my bed (it was creaky and the walls were thin). I told them that I would stop “stomping” down the stairs if they would turn their car stereo down so I didn’t have to put my conference calls on mute and feel the house vibrate while they were working on the car. They threatened to beat me up, but the car volume went down so I was quieter (as much as I could be anyway) on the stairs!

Well at least it’s just noise. My neighbor sees fit to just walk in my house after he’s had a few pops. Yup, just walks right in without knocking, etc. Tried to be nice a few times (cause when he’s sober he’s actually a really nice guy) but he didn’t get the hint. Had to be quite stern with him last night and tell him to get the he** out!

As the owner of a two family house (we rent one side of the duplex and live in the other) I find that some noise is inevitable. We tolerate any noise made while it’s a reasonable hour. We are also extremely mindful of any noise we make. My kids DO tend to stomp up and down the stairs and I am constantly reminding them we have tenants. I would hate, as a renter, to have to tiptoe around because my downstairs neighbor was on watch. I would say you have to put up with reasonable walking around but complain to your neighbor if it’s excessive or it occurs in the middle of the night.

It all depends on the situation… Karin #5) is absolutely correct. And you didn’t provide enough details to make any advice from us useful.

Back in the old days, I lived in a downstairs apartment. The girl upstairs worked nights and had a toddler daughter. I worked days. I was also, in exchange for some money off the rent, the mower, raker and snowshoveler. There were many many nights where i would hear the tv, or phone conversations, or the toddler was sick all night and crying…. but I realized I had to keep in mind that she never complained about me waking her up in the daytime or early morning (snow removal) when I was doing all that stuff outside, or having a picnic in the yard, or listening to my radio while cleaning my car, etc.

We both agreed that we can’t expect to demand that the other person live by our schedules. If it is standard, day to day living things that are bothering you, I’d say keep the peace and learn to live with it, it is the price to pay for being downstairs. Only if it is truly a distruptive thing like blasting heavy metal music at 3am, go to the landlord.

I used to live above someone who literally screamed on the phone constantly, and usually about masturbation. I wish I was making this up. We had hardwood floors and everyone could hear everything. We ended up moving, is how we dealt with that…

I agree with the above commenter who said give specific examples of the noise. I can hear you doing X at X time. Acknowledge that it’s likely not all her fault.

Reread your lease before you speak with her and see if there is any noise control mentioned. Some places you have to be quiet between certain hours, like 11PM to 8AM. That way you can know what kind of leeway you have. If the conversation doesn’t go well and you decide to take it to management/the landlord then you can cite those hours mentioned.

Apartment living means dealing with a certain amount of noise, unfortunately. There’s a pretty clear distinction, though, between unavoidable noise that comes from just daily living, and gratuitous noise that demonstrates disrespect for your neighbors.

In my opinion and experience, you just have to put up with certain things. Footsteps – well, people have to walk, and as long as they’re not making a special effort to stomp everywhere (and who would do that?) then you just need to deal. Same thing with toilet flushing, even at 3 AM – are they supposed to hold it? And if you can hear their pets, that’s kind of what you get, living in a pet-friendly complex. Out of control barking would be one thing, but if I ever got a complaint about my pet’s footsteps, I would invite my neighbor to explain the issue all they liked to my dog.

On the other hand, there are certain things that an apartment is not an appropriate space for. If I had a neighbor whose amateur band came over three times a week to practice, you bet I would complain, even if they were doing it at 3 PM. That’s not something that you should have to anticipate or work around in your living space.

It’s all about being reasonable, on both sides of the equations, in what you expect from them and the concessions they are willing to make. Maybe if things like footstep noise are really troubling to you, offer to split the cost of a couple of new floor rugs with her?

First, try to arrange your living quarters so that your bed is not under the well-trafficked areas of the upstairs. That will help if, as I assume, the problem is noise when you’re trying to sleep. If it’s the opposite (noise in daytime) then try to rearrange your living quarters so that where you spend the majority of your day time is not underneath the other tenant’s daytime area. This is the most effective way to resolve this problem — seriously!

Secondly, rugs upstairs will help.

Thirdly, a white-noise generator (available for free now as an app if you have a smart phone) will help at night. Light music will help during the day.

If you can’t hear your tv, try a headset. (You can get them on amazon for about $50; they’re wireless and fantastic.)

This is a building with professional people, this new tenant is in their early 20’s and is a college student. I’ve lived there for about 2 years and the only time I heard the previous tenants was when they were vacuuming or having quiet convos in their kitchen. I have been woken up in the wee hours of the morning by furniture being moved around, very heavy footed walking (this girl is a skinny-mini), loud male visitors and a blaring TV. I’ve attempted the whole fan thing as well to try to block out the noise, but she’s still too loud. I can suck up the noise during the day, but its been a regular occurrence between 12-2:30 am.

Remember, your nice request will also intrude on the life-style that she is used to.

Too bad about that. If Miss Upstairs is not mature enough to keep herself to herself, including keeping her noise inside of her apartment (assuming the noise is something she can control like loud music/TV, parties, conversations, etc.), than she is clearly not ready to share living space with other people.

@6, this is totally true! I’ve had neighbors I had to approach about certain things and I was appalled at their response. Some people just don’t care about others. I have horror stories about old neighbors. I am fortunate now to have neighbors on both sides of me that communicate well and we have no problem letting each other know if something is wrong (or right!). The one in the back of me is another story. He’s the “girl upstairs” type of person. I just make sure that I mow the lawn when he’s having a get together in his yard or weed whack for a while. He deserves a lot more but I really can’t be bothered.

I had a similar problem in my old rental–and I often get to the point where I can’t take it anymore before I say anything (not a good time to say something).
I calmly knocked on her door after work one day to explain that I’m usually in bed by 10pm and her treadmill(on the second floor) rattles the windows and walls and I felt like it was in my unit. I asked if she could use it earlier in the day instead. I also explained that I run in the morning and understand if the door made a lot of noise to shut (it needed to be slammed to lock properly) asked if she could hear me at any time and asked her to please let me know if I was ever being too loud. I think recognizing that it goes both ways makes a difference.
If nothing changes or she becomes confrontational, discuss with the landlord.

Just explain in a conciliatory fashion that the noise occasionally keeps you up and politely ask the person to keep it down after 11 or whatever works for you. I used to be that noisy neighbor and I felt like an a$$ when my new neighbor (the previous neighbors never complained) politely asked me to shut the heck up. If skinny-mini has any sensibility, she won’t be offended.

@ #17 – I’m surprised no one explained to this girl that she is living amongst people who are working for a living and paying their own bills, whereas she undoubtedly is getting help from the ‘rents in some regard. She needs to be brought to the understanding that, if she wants to live amongst adults rather than live in the dorms (or home if she is local), than she better start conducting herself as such. Especially if she doesn’t want to be evicted.

I would add to my earlier advice to ask if any of your neighbors in the building have been disturbed by her blaring TV. There’s strength in numbers in this type of situation & a formal complaint to the landlord by all interested parties could work wonders if she doesn’t want to cooperate with a polite request to tone it down.

Kristi, why do you forward these along for your bloggers? There’s no detail here for anyone to give any useful advice? You she be asking for more information before passing something like this along to post.

Dear Reader, One of my friends (who is in college) shared this with me today. It might be a comical and helpful way to approach your neighbor about the noise problem. Here is her note:

Dear Neighbor,
Unfortunately, we have not had the pleasure of meeting each other yet.

However we can hear everything you do. So basically, it’s like we already know you. And this is what we have concluded:
* Someone just bought a pogo stick.
* 2012 Double Dutch Champs. Congrats!
* Just got casted in STOMP
* You own your own Wack-A-Mole! Lucky you!
* Super clumsy, dropping things all the time.
* You’re housing a mini pony. Jealous!
* Training to win Gold in gymnastics. Go USA!

Seriously though… not trying to be a pest or super annoying…. but, oh my gosh, What are you doing up there? And if you do by chance have a mini pony, I would like to meet him.
Signed – Your neighbors downstairs.

As a landlord, and a downstairs tenant… I’d say it’s completely acceptable to, in a very respectful manner, talk to your new upstairs neighbor about the noises you’re hearing downstairs.

But, I also agree with many of the commenters points…. By living in a downstairs apartment you willingly accepted the fact that someone lives above you. Most likely, they aren’t trying to piss you off…. so don’t approach them as if they are. Start by saying something like… “Hey I really don’t want to sound like a pain, but…” As long as you aren’t making the person feel like you’re attacking them, the should understand….

From a landlord perspective, I can honestly say that one of the most annoying parts of the job is dealing with immature, impossible to please tenants (Not saying the READER is, but just become one!). I’ve gotten calls about tenants calling me to complain about their roommates! Seriously… think about what the landlord can control and what s/he can’t… Loud music in the middle of the night… I’d call the tenant and let them know they’re violating their lease and ask them to stop it immediately. You hear them walking or flushing a toilet, I’d tell you sorry for the inconvenience, don’t waste my minutes again.

If you only have one neighbor (upstairs/downstairs), count your blessings. I lived in a large complex with neighbors on both sides plus upstairs. I heard everything from loud sex (entertaining) to a woman with night terrors who would wake up screaming three or four times in the middle of the night and everything in between. If you are one of the lucky ones who has great neighbors, go out of your way to thank them for being so. Otherwise, there are two solutions: grin and bear it or move. I have a mantra for you. Just keep repeating, “I’m saving for a house, I’m saving for a house.”

It’s amazing that some people can just be that ignorant but unless you tell them, they won’t stop or be aware. I used to live downstairs from someone with 3 children. They would run from one end of the house to the other seemed like all day. I made them aware. They didn’t stop their children from running in the house until one of them fell and needed stitches. I love karma.

# 9. I’m incredulous. How does someone walk into your house unless you leave your door unlocked (or do they have a key?)?Come on, now This is a non-issue and just takes some common sense – right??? Duh! If you don’t want someone walking into your house uninvited, lock the darn door!!!

Bake her a plate of cookies and enclose a welcome card. State in the card “Welcome – I look forward to living in the same building. Just so you are aware so that you can maintain your privacy to the best of your ability, this building is not sound proof. You may want to put down some additional carpeting or hang some wall tapestries. I promise to be as quiet as possible for you as well. Thank you – Your downstairs neighbor “

Snicker Doodle – Really? It is not karmic retribution for a child to require stitches because you feel inconvenienced. That is just sick and twisted. You should be mindful of the true law of karma rather than your silly interpretation.

@ #20 – Just because someone works in a professional environment doesn’t mean they make enough money to buy a house!
@ #23 – I’m surprised nothing was mentioned to her either that grown adults live in the building. I look a lot younger than what I am and it was explained to me when viewing the apartment and signing the lease that professional people occupy the building.
@ #25 – LOVE it!!! Ha ha
I did chat with a few other tenants and one has already complained because she was attempting to have a party out in the shared yard on top of blaring music. I was unable to chat with this girl myself because she was gone all weekend and I was very surprised that I hardly heard her upstairs last night….so she was either exhausted from her weekend festivities or my landlord spoke to her regarding the other tenants complaints.

I like redwinemom’s comment as well as blogreader’s comments. One is funny, the other more tactful if you must address sound issues with the neighbor directly. I would prefer to bring it up with the landlord and let him/her handle it so you remain anonymous.

Our neighbors stomp up and down our mutual entrance stairs and slamb the door like nobody’s business. It can be a difficult door, but a simple turn and pull will do it. Secondly, one or both of them likes to play ball with their 50lb (and growing) dog btwn the hours of 10 am and 3 pm. How could you not suspect that people below you can hear this? We tolerate and understand noise during the day, but feel its disrespectful otherwise. We have two large dogs too, but we are lucky to live on the main/bottom floor. I would never move into a place, over top of people with our two big dogs. They bought the dog right after they moved in. Stuck in a hard place- looking to buy a home now…seems to the only resolve :(