Tuesday, April 28, 2009

93 degrees. In APRIL. I'm too hot to come up with something witty to say about that. But I do know this, Al Gore is pissed right now. Vindicated, but pissed.

Now, I like warm weather as much as the next person but this is a little ridiculous. The only thing that makes it tolerable is that ice cream is mandatory for keeping cool on days like these. It's true, look it up.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

First of all, thank you to everyone who left a comment on my last post. General consensus seems to be "Hey, dumbass. Call the cops already. [exaggerated eye roll]" But you didn't actually use the word "dumbass" and I appreciate that. A slight nudge feels a lot better than the proverbial boot to the butt. Less foot treads to wipe away, too.

I've been talking this over with Mr. C - who thinks I'm being paranoid - and a couple of neighbors we recently met - who seem to think I'm only being slightly paranoid - and we're going to call the authorities and have them check things out. I'll let you know how things work out.

And since you were all so generous with your opinions...

(I know what you're thinking, "Gimme a break, she's going to ask for more advice. The woman can't scratch her own ass without the help of the internets." And for the record, I can hear you.)

A looong time ago, my fabulously smart and insightful readers (and did I mention, you look fantastic today? Have you been working out?) came up with a list of names for my now-defunct dog training blog. Sooo.... *looking around coyly* I was hoping you could help me out again.

You see, I'm trying to get my own private dog training business up and running but the problem is this, I can't for the LIFE of me think of a decent name. I can train your dog to fetch you a beer from the fridge but coming up with a business name? Not too good in that department.

I've got one kicking around that sounds fine, I suppose. Want to hear it? You know you do.

The Family Dog.

How does that grab you? Yeah, I feel the same. Not bad but I don't know if I'm sold on it, not 100% anyway. And I needed to see it through your eyes before I settled on it so thoughts on that name are very much appreciated. BUT if you have one better - and I know you do because you're intelligent and creative and you look great in those jeans - I would really love to hear it.

The slant to my business is general dog training with basic behavior modification if necessary, but my main focus will be on families. I want to get the entire family involved and interested in caring for the family dog (hence the name I came up with) including the kids. I want my business to be very family friendly. And have I said "family" enough already? Family.

So, here's my criteria for the name:

- Must sound good said aloud - For example, on the phone "Hello, [business name]" It has to be snappy and not too cutesy because I hate cutesy.

- Must be searchable. So "dog" or "dog training" or the like should be in the title.

- Must look good on a business card.

I don't really have much to offer in return except my undying love and free dog advice, but that's something right?

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Let's say you live in a house near a wooded area and that house - and wooded area too, duh - are in a cool climate experiencing a cold, rainy spring. And you're going a bit stir crazy because you've been spending too much time in the house due to cold. And rain. And because you're a bit of a hermit. So you while away much some of that time staring out the windows and sighing.

Still with me?

So let's also say, while staring out the windows, you've noticed some strange activity going on near the woods - Cars parked outside your house, people walking into the woods, often alone, on those aforementioned cold, rainy days, and you're pretty sure they're not going hiking. Mainly because they're not wearing appropriate walking-in-the-rain clothes but also because they look a little shady. But what do you know? You only leave the house when you absolutely need to so the only "shady" you know is from Law and Order. [insert sound effect here]

Following so far?

Also, cars are driving into the woods at odd hours of the night and you know, at least you're pretty sure from previous experience *cough-usedtogoparkinginthewoods-cough*, they're not going out there to party. They drive in and then drive out fairly soon after, and then another car drives in and out and then another. Lather, rinse, repeat.

(Note to self: Wash hair tomorrow.)

(Big day tomorrow, chicklets. Big.)

(Washing my hair aaaand... That's about it.)

(BIG)

And you really wish they would stop doing this because instead of standing at the window with your nose pressed to the glass you could be watching reality televisionsleepingacting like a 36 year old instead of an 86 year old doing something productive that would require you to not be attached to the window.

And then, on a particularly cold and a very rainy day, you happen to see a young man pull up in his car and park in front of your house. He gets out, pulls up the hood of his sweatshirt and walks into the woods. Interesting. This is after a night of in and out and in and out (the cars, you pervs, this has nothing to do with what was going on inside the house). Pretty soon after he walks out and back toward his car, possibly holding something but you can't tell because the windows are fogged up from pressing your nose to the glass it's pretty far away and you need glasses need glasses.

Then he gets into another car that you hadn't noticed because you momentarily tore yourself away to attend to your children. They, the young man (who couldn't have been more than 18) and the driver of the new car, sit for a minute then drive off only to return 15 minutes or so later. Not that YOU WERE COUNTING OR ANYTHING.

So you get your camera and start taking pictures. Evidence is always good right? Proof that you're not a crazy old bat is better.

You don't want to be that person. You know? That person? The one who ruins the fun of the local youth, but these comings and goings are a little suspicious and they're happening too close to home. Literally.

Do you do anything or do you just chalk it up to watching too much Law and Order and start getting out of the house more?

Besides, the poor guy gave me two beautiful babies, the least I can do is showcase him on my blog. Which is something I would do more often but he's shy. It's kind of cute actually.

Plus, the meme was done by Dooce. And apparently it's making it's way across the internet. And I am a lemming! Which way is the cliff?? Let's jump!

So here you go - The Couples Quiz. Mawwiage...

What are your middle names?

Mine is Lynn. *Yawn* Moving on. Mr. C's is Sewall. He's a direct descendant of this guy. He may have famous ancestors but at least mine weren't responsible for killing innocent women. So there's that.

How long have you been together?

We met in June of 1999 and started dating some months after that. There was this teeny tiny thing about me being married at the time that sort of got in the way...

Moving on.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?

It was more than a few months. I honestly don't remember. No really, I'm being serious. What are you insinuating?

Who asked whom out?

It kind of happened organically but let's just say it wasn't me doing the pursuing.

How old are each of you?

We're both 36 but I'm a couple of months older. And he never let's me forget it, the bastard.

Whose siblings do you see the most?

My sister, definitely. We'd love to see his sister more often but she and her family live half way across the country. It's a bummer because I really like her.

Which situation is hardest on you as a couple?

Ooh, tough one. I'd have to say his work schedule. Between his traveling for business and the need for him to be completely wired to work 24/7, it puts a bit of a strain on our relationship and, more importantly, on the girls. But we do our best when we are together to make the most of our time. We fail a lot, but we're trying.

Did you go to the same school?

How do I put this? Hell-to-the-NO. Our schools couldn't have been more different.

Are you from the same home towns?

See above. I can't stress that Hell No enough. If I can compare our towns to alcohol - His hometown is a 1939 Macallan Scotch. Mine is Schlitz.

Who is smarter?

He is. But if you tell him I said that I'll stab you with a jagged, rusty Schlitz can.

Who is the most sensitive?

When it comes to that icky love stuff, he is. When it comes to puppies and kittens and injustices in the world, I am.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?

Eat out? What is this thing "eat out"?

If I had to pick one place, I'd say the local tapas place. We love tapas. And sangria. And tapas with sangria. And sangria with sangria.

I scream, yell, throw things and have broken at least one piece of furniture in my day. He hardly ever raises his voice. I win!! Whoohoo!!

Who does the cooking?

I married him because he's a fabulous cook and I can burn water. Now he's too busy with work and I'm doing all the cooking. We use the microwave a lot.

Who is the neat freak?

I always say that as long as he has a clear path from the bedroom to the bathroom to the kitchen to the TV and out the door he wouldn't notice if there were dead bodies stacked 5 feet high on either side. So I guess I'm the neat one in the relationship. I would notice them at 3 feet high.

Who is more stubborn?

He would say I am but I have no idea what he's talking about. NO. IDEA. And you won't be able to convince me otherwise.

Who hogs the bed?

He does. But mostly because he's bigger than me and harder to push.

Who wakes up earlier?

Mr. C, definitely. I would sleep until 3pm if you let me.

Where was your first date?

He took me to a driving range. *Insert inappropriate sexual metaphor here*

Who is more jealous?

I'd say we're equal on that one.

How long did it take to get serious?

Moving on...

Who eats more?

He does but I'm a bigger snacker.

(And right now he's reading this and bitching about my metabolism. Suck it up, buttercup. Heh.)

Who does the laundry?

If it wasn't for his work shirts and the close proximity to the bathroom, I don't think he would even know where the laundry room was.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I want to write so much to you. I want to tell you all the ways you've grown this year right before my eyes, but it happened so fast I didn't notice you had changed from a baby into a little girl until it had happened. I want to put every important moment down here for you to read later, but I can't. It's overwhelming. Just like I can't go back and relive all those moments again. They've gone and we can't get them back but that's alright. This next year of your life should be about moving forward and embracing changes. I think we both can handle it now.

Besides, there are parts of the last year that neither one of us want to relive.

This year has been a toughie, I'm not going to pretend that it hasn't, and you've taken the brunt of it I'm afraid. Our family of three became four, we left the only home you knew and moved to another one and you started school all in the span of a few months. That's a lot for someone your age to take and the transition wasn't exactly seamless. But we're starting to settle into this new life and not a moment too soon.

You and I have been at odds with each other for the past year. We haven't seen eye to eye on pretty much anything since before you turned three and I think I know why. It can be summed up in two lines of a song, a song I used to play when you were a baby while I walked you around the kitchen trying to calm you down, trying to calm myself down, tears in my eyes and hugging you so tightly, willing peace into your body -

I know the song is from a father to his son, but I think it captures how we are, you and me, today and for the rest of our days together. How do I know, since you're only just four? I just do. I'm your mom, I know things. You'd know that if you stopped to listen to me once and awhile, but you don't. You've got your own mind, but you've got my stubbornness and my temper. Sorry about that.

We are two peas at war with each other in the same small pod, both wanting our own space and yet pulling each other back again to snuggle together in the safety of our zippered pouch. That push and pull is what frustrates me. I'm never pulling when you're pushing. You're never pushing when I pull. I'm pretty sure it frustrates you too. From the amount of tantrums and time outs we have in this house, I'm almost certain frustration is your number one emotion these days.

For the next year you need to know one thing - I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm going to pretend that I do until I figure things out and I'm going to mess up a lot but I'll get better at this parenting gig eventually. That won't make any sense to you until you've had your own kids but I feel it's important to state it for the record. I'm doing the best I can and I apologize for all the rest.

(Half of what I say is meaningless, but I say it just to reach you...)

Because you, my sweet girl, are wonderful and you deserve only the best but instead you got me.

For you I will be better. For you I will try to learn patience and understanding. I will try to push aside my insecurities so I can help become a strong and secure person. I'll try to learn to let go. I'll even try to let you decorate the cupcakes with as many sprinkles as you want but I'm not promising anything.

Monday, April 13, 2009

In my last post I was all - Hurrah breastfeeding! Fuck 'em all if they can't stand to see a woman's breasts used for what nature intended and not airbrushed within an inch of their life and splashed all over the covers of Maxim magazine, today we nurse like no one is looking! Am self-righteous breastfeeding zealot! And I thumped my chest like a male gorilla looking to impress his female.

*thump, thump, thump*

But today I do a 180 and praise the heavens that my child is finally doing this:

Sweet jaheebus, that is my baby holding a bottle to her mouth with a smile on her face. After 10 looong months she is finally letting a synthetic nipple pass her lips and giving my very real ones a much needed break. She is not weaned so I can still play earth mama breastfeeder...

*thump, thump, thump*

... But now I can give her to Mr. C. and tell him he can feed her for a change. Mama's boobs need a nap.

*thump, zzzzzzz*

----------------

This is how our adventures in weaning started a few months ago. It wasn't pretty. Adorable, but not pretty. Scrumptuous and edible, but not pretty. I wanted to put her whole head in my mouth and chew it like a Skittle, but not pretty.

(Also, Avent? *making the universal symbol for telephone with my hand* Call me. My baby is I am available for sponsorship. Am also shameless.)

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Massachusetts, the first state in the United States to make same sex marriage legal, today - that's right, TODAY - made it legal for a mother to nurse her baby in public without fear of being charged with indecent exposure or lewd conduct.

Think about that for a moment. Go ahead, I'll wait.

*humming*

Yes, my lambs, in this beautiful state I call home it was, until today, ILLEGAL to nurse a baby in public. I could sit on a dirty toilet surrounded by all matter of waste and breastfeed my baby, that would have been perfectly fine since I would have been behind closed doors and away from delicate eyes that may have spontaneously EXPLODED from seeing the back of my baby's head and maybe a millimeter more flesh than I usually expose, but I couldn't feed my child on a park bench without fear of being asked to cover all that nastiness and move along or be thrown in the clink.

See? I'm so worked up about this, I'm writing ridiculously long, run-on sentences.

Also? Not really in the clink. Fined, yes. Publicly ridiculed, almost definitely. Thrown in jail? Doubtful, but still...

So give yourself a hand today, Massachusetts. We are the third to last state in the country to make it legal to nurse in public. WhooHoo! We rule!

*Thud*

Or better yet, maybe all of us nursing moms should go outside and feed our precious infants and toddlers from our nutrition-giving bosoms. Just because we can. And if someone gives you a hard time you can show them this and then squirt them in the eye with your milk.

Now that this is settled I'm going to work on legislation that's really important. Like making madras shorts illegal.

Today I prepared meals for a preschooler who begged for said meals and then didn't eat them.

Today I fed a growing, hungry baby and was immediately puked on. Twice.

Today I changed more diapers than I'd like to remember and the day is not over yet.

Today I dealt with an overtired baby who refused to nap.

Today parenting was pretty exhausting.

But despite it all, today I doled out extra treats and allowed extra TV shows and I gave extra kisses and hugged extra hard. Because I can. I just wish it didn't take a tragedy to make me remember, make us all remember, how good we sometimes have it.

Be at peace, Maddie. And may your mommy and daddy find peace one day too.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

A few weeks ago I lost my voice. Really, an almost 100% loss of the use of my vocal chords and it sucked about as much as you can imagine. Daily activities become extremely complicated when one has to pantomime what they want, since pointing and grunting and the occasional obscene finger gesture can only get you so far.

Take, for instance, parenting. It's degrading to yell at a three year old and have her point and laugh at you because all you can muster is a squeak. Or should I say, it's more degrading than usual to yell at a three year old and in response she points and laughs at you, squeak or no squeak.

My voice is still not back to normal but it's better. But as difficult as it was trying to get my point across when I didn't have a voice, this writer's block I'm experiencing is one thousand times worse. It took me 30 minutes to write these three paragraphs. I wish I was kidding.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Hey Mom, this outdoor stuff is great and all but I'm kind of sleepy....

And my hat keeps getting in my eyes. Do you think you could put down that camera and come pick me up? Maybe fix my hat too? Mom? Anyone? Where the heck are you going?

Alrighty then, I can see that's not going to happen. I guess I'm going to have to go to you...

Wait just a minute here. What the heck is this pokey stuff?

This wasn't here before. I don't know what it is but I know I don't like it. Nope, don't like it. Not one bit.

Mooooom. Put down the damn camera and COME. AND. GET. ME.

Stubborn?? Oh, I'll show you stubborn. You just wait until I get over there...

Yeah, you just do your clapping thing, lady. I'll clap along with you and then when you're not looking I'll chew on your kneecap. *grumbling* Can't believe she made me crawl over that pokey stuff. Just wait until your back is turned, sweet cheeks. You won't believe what I can do with a poopy diaper and these little fingers of mine. Oh yes, payback is a bitch and I have no filter. Heh heh heh...