An advice column for those who like a little abuse. Yea, I'm talking about you, jerk.

Friday, August 19, 2016

Question: Why doesn't Veronica want to ask you a question?

Because I ass-sexed Betty while Jughead and Moose tugged each other off? It happened. Ask Dilton Doiley; he's got that shit on his phone.

Or maybe it's because she's busy having a three-way with Archie and Reggie. Meaning she's laying on a bed in some lingerie while giving instructions, making the boys kiss and press testicles together. Archie is embarrassed but Reggie is kinda into it, you know?

Or maybe it's because Mr. Weatherbee just laid a one-tonne shit on Miss Grundy's bony, old chest?

I know your question had absolutely nothing to do with sex, but I took a few days off and I guess this was sort of built up.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Josie and the Pussycats, hard-core girl-on-girl sauna orgy, fist-shaped toys and music by the band Stryper.

Okay. I think I'm good, now.

Short Answer: Most people don't ask me questions because they fear they'll be ridiculed. It's fine. Anyone who fears ridicule probably shouldn't be a fan of mine, anyway. This is the thick-skinned Olympics and I just got the bronze in telling you that I had sex with your mom in response to every single criticism.