cocktober

Gotta have two monitors. One to call sports plays on the radio and one to talk to YOUR SEX BOYFRIENDS.

You know the old saying: “Scratch a homophobe, but please don’t knock the dick out of his mouth, he’s not finished yet.” (We think that’s the saying?) Anyway, meet your new gross Republican gay-sexing scumbag, what doesn’t support gay rights, and please try to contain your shock that this is happening AGAIN. His name is Brent Randall, and he’s a high school radio sportscaster and former boys’ golfing coach (go ahead and start making jokes about helping them with their strokes, it’s fine). He’d LIKE to be a city councilman in Goshen, Indiana, and oh by the way, his internet browser history is HI-LARIOUS:

Brent Randall, a prominent public personality and Republican candidate for Goshen’s District 5 City Council seat, verified this week that a profile page with his photos and information found on the gay dating website Adam4Adam was created and maintained by him. […]

The page itself contains general information — some of it explicit — about Randall and non-pornographic photos of himself.

We have a quibble. Adam4Adam? For actual? How 2008 of you, Brent! In today’s rapidly changing gay hookup world, Adam4Adam is fucking PREHISTORIC. We think we used it like one time during the Carter administration maybe? (Haha, just kiddin’, we were being BORNEDED during the Carter administration.) Try Grindr. Or Scruff. Or even Tinder, for Christ’s sake. Or like, just click here and take your pick.

As to the revelation that he has a profile on the gay-dating equivalent of Friendster, Randall said yeah bro, he’s got that, but he’s never found any friendly dick on the site, PROBABLY BECAUSE EVERYBODY ON THERE HAS A FLIP PHONE AND THEIR CALLS KEEP GETTING DROPPED. But he keeps the profile, because, we shit you not, “I do enjoy meeting new people of all different walks of life.” Especially if they like to gay bareback on the first date!

He also says he got a divorce in 2009, and he doesn’t even know if he’s gay, straight, bisexual, or what:

“I don’t even know if I consider myself bisexual or not. I just experimented a little since I was single again.”

Fair enough. And that would be FINE, so incredibly JUST FINE, if it weren’t for how he’s opposed to adding sexual orientation and gender identity to the city’s established civil rights ordinance. Swish this quote around in your mouth, and then spit it out like Brent Randall finishing his shift at the town gloryhole:

“I don’t know if I thought this wouldn’t come up or would (when running for office),” Randall said. “But I still believe in my heart of hearts that our gay and lesbian communities are protected currently under the law. If there are cases that need to be brought, let’s bring them. I don’t know why they feel they need special protections when there are other categories that might need protections. My little experimentation over the last six years hasn’t changed my view on that.”

HIS LITTLE EXPERIMENTATION. Who among us hasn’t sucked six to eight black dicks, or lain on a tarp while a rugby team jerked off on our faces, taken an “I’m Gonna Wash That Jizz Right Outta My Hair” disco shower, and then headed off to work to vote against civil rights protections for the VERY people who just pleasured our bigoted dicks right nice? WHO AMONG US? None of us, is the answer, you pathetic assmuncher.

Are the gay and lesbian communities in Indiana, including the members Randall knows in the unbiblical sense, actually protected? Ahem, no they are not! This came up back in the spring when Indiana passed that grotesque “Fuck The Gays” law allowing businesses to legally discriminate against LGBT people. Of course, that law was later “clarified” (after an intense backlash) to say that no, businesses are NOT actually allowed to do that, but part of the problem was that Indiana state law doesn’t protect gays and lesbians from discrimination in the first place. Oh and guess what? Indiana’s idiot governor, Mike Pence, is still digging deep into his windsock of a brain, trying to find new ways to discriminate.

So what have we learned, class? Oh, just that there’s a new Republican homosexxxy hypocrite out there, hungry for cock and rarin’ to discriminate against people just like him. He joins men like that anti-gay lawmaker in North Dakota what got caught on the Grindr; toe-tapping Larry Fucking Craig and his wide stance; Family Research Council cofounder George Rekers, who for serious, only hired that hot young male sex worker to “lift his luggage”; and SO MANY OTHERS.

Here’s an idea: how’s about those guys just fuck each other’s sex holes and leave the rest of us alone? KTHXBYE.

Evan Hurst is the Senior Editor of Wonkette.
He spends his days deflecting the sad glances of his black lab, Lula, who would please like him to stop typing letters to the internet and throw the squeaky chicken in the backyard instead. Though the internet does not give him credit, it's probably his fault Aaron Schock is no longer a congressperson, due how Evan would not stay off his tail during the SCANDALS. (Not in a sex way, in a writing way!) Also, he writes songs and plays the piano, at the same time! Lastly, Evan is a Southern person, and thus is casting polite judgment on you, right now, for reading this. Bless your heart.