We are what we want to be, mostly.–Hjalmar Rutzebeck

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Thinking About The Past

Lately, I have been thinking about the past. Now the Buddhism I have studied has taught me to not dwell on the past or the future overly much. To live a fulfilling life, concentrating on the here and now is the way to go. But it seems that my past has crept into my thoughts quite a bit these days and here is why. I have connected with some of my high school classmates on Facebook. Some of them are planning a 40th class reunion for later this year. That being said, thoughts of high school are popping up so I will relate some memories from that time.

I hated school. I have always been the kind of person who needs lots of things to do. I get bored easily. In high school I had so many things going on outside of school that it just seemed to get in the way. Like my job does now. I work only because it affords me the money to do all the other things I really want to do in life. I told my co workers that if I won the lottery I would give my two weeks notice by post card from a sailing ship in the Greek Isles. I never got involved in anything in school. I was not interested in sports, or anything else. I joined the DECA club only because it got me out of school early every day during my senior year for my “job.” To be in DECA, you had to have a job. Mine was playing drums in a rock band. Which I did. All the other kids had jobs in town during the week but I worked nights on weekends. I told the class instructor that it wasn’t fair that I worked as many hours as I did on weekends but couldn’t get out of school early like the other kids. So he let me out. When we played a weekend job we started loading gear about six in the evening, drove to the job, set up, played for four hours, tore down, loaded up and drove home arriving at two or three in the morning and then did it all over again Saturday night. I was making anywhere from 50 to 100 dollars a night every weekend. High school didn’t matter. All I wanted to do was play music and make money. (The fact that lots of girls like the guys in a band didn’t hurt.)

I knew my classmates but they weren’t my friends. (No offense to those of you who may read this, I’m just being honest.) They had their own friends and their own things and I had mine. My brother found an envelope the other day that contained all of my school report cards. My parent had saved them. It seems that I skimmed through with C’s and D’s for the most part. Ironic that today my job consists of laboratory science. I really hated school. I didn’t belong. I did have a few friends in school and a couple of them have remained close. When I was sixteen I was in a car accident and broke my back. I laid in the hospital for 3 and 1/2 weeks and the only one of my classmates who visited me was the guy I was in the accident with. (Ironically, we drifted apart after that.) There may have been a couple others but I was in a drug induced state so please forgive me if I’ve forgotten. (Mark, I’m sure you were there.)

So I have been thinking about this reunion. I can’t make up my mind about going. I guess it would be interesting to see them and find out what they have done in their lives. We all had dreams when we were young and maybe some of them have fulfilled theirs. I have done a lot of things in my life and so I would have something to talk about. I just don’t know. We were not close, except for the couple of guys I mentioned already. I looked forward to the end of the school day every day. Maybe if I had studied Buddhism back then, it would have been a better experience. I don’t even know why I’m worried about it. I could go, and if it wasn’t good I could leave. I guess I want it to be good. I would like to have fond memories of school, remembering the good times like Bruce Springteens song, “Glory Days.” But that just isn’t the way it is. School was not the best time in my life. The best time in my life is right now! I have a wonderful wife, great kids and grandkids, and Sophie, my dog. I play music and have a good job. I’ve written a book. I do not desire ‘things’ but instead desire good relationships. And that’s what a high school reunion is about, relationships.

So I guess I’m going to have to think about this some more. If any of you, my gracious readers have any ideas, please throw them my way. Maybe you’ve had this experience. It surprises me that I’m even concerned about it. What does that mean? I’m not sure. I’ve always been the kind of person who doesn’t worry about much so maybe this will pass. Maybe.