Kickass Tramp’s press chief

Kickass, the doorstop dog, says his keeper, having successfully avoided doing anything meaningful with his retirement for 25 years or so, has finally decided to make a cultural contribution by applying for the job of White House communications director. (He will be putting me—Kickass, in charge of leaks, which is a brilliant decision since Tramp does not have a dog, and everyone knows that dogs are experts at leaking.)

As communications director, the keeper says beer and brats will be served at all press conferences, Kellyanne Conway will do a tap dance on the condiments table and a guy called Mooch will lead a lengthy reverential prayer.

Considering the duration of a Tramp communication director’s term, the keeper says he expects to be back home before Labor Day, at which time he will resume his hammock existence.