Gail Johnson, LMSW, ACSWValentines Day and other holidays can be especially difficult for folks who are grieving or who have experienced trauma. Gail Johnson has some tips for how to regain a sense of calm and perspective when a holiday situation confounds and overwhelms you:

​​First, pause……..Take a gentle breath in through your nose (like sniffing a flower) let it out as softly as blowing bubbles….repeat until you feel a change in body tension.Second, notice the upsetting thing before you…Put it on the left side of a split screen and give it a number (indicating from 1-5 the level of distress you feel).Third…remember something that makes you feel calm…On the right side of the split screen put a gentle calming event, place, person ,etc. that gives you ease. Spend at least double the time on that right side.Fourth, toggle…Think back to the left side and stay there long enough to evaluate distress (indicate your level of distress with a new number).Fifth, toggle again…Think back to the calming right side and stay there long enough to get more ease.Repeat until the left side goes to zero. Throughout the exercise, breathe gently and lightly, as though you were sleeping….

Gail Johnson, LMSW, ACSWMore Than the Mind and Body Can Bear: Trauma is just that—more than mind and body can bear without causing disruption of our lives. We have finally come to recognize the trauma of our returning veterans, survivors of natural disasters, crashes, domestic violence, deaths of loved ones and friends. These large shocks to the human mind-body system are BIG SHOCKS—Big “T” Traumas.

What has not been adequately addressed is the accumulation of “small t” traumas. You may have even experienced a week that included:

Reassignment at work

A recent move

Starting back to school

Disagreements with significant others or children

Having or adopting a new child

A traffic ticket

A vacation

A holiday

Or even “littler” things:

Your debit card won’t swipe

You can’t find your keys

You didn’t get enough sleep

The power went off

You are stuck in traffic

All these are sneakier, small “t” traumas: “little” things that pile up into BIG heaps when there is no time or means of processing them.

So how much is too much? The answer is: it’s all relative. Your personal capacity, the time of the year or month, amount of help that is forthcoming, time span between events, all can contribute to a pileup of stress that can turn “little t trauma” into a bigger stressor than a single BIG T trauma.How does trauma finally get our attention?

Maybe you have already figured it out: your BODY keeps the score. We even have figurative language that bears this out—that job (or boss) is a real “pain in the neck” “my heart aches” “I feel it in my gut”​What to do? Both BIG T and small t trauma deserve our attention. That is how they are resolved. We ignore this imbalance in our lives at a cost to our health and well-being, especially when their effects don’t disappear. Both kinds are treatable, even when the trauma happened a long time ago or just yesterday. Mind and body deserve a break – treat them well.

Surviving this body onslaught seems impossible to halt. But you can handle it, and not just with the proper medications, though they may help this process. When your brain has been hijacked this way, thought itself is altered, hijacked, with reason and logic a distant memory. Whether it is worry, anxiety, trauma, or fear, you can learn to handle it.

And the physical skills that may help contain it:First try a little experiment, right where you are. Take in a very gentle breath through your nose (just as you would for yoga) and sending it to the lower lobes of your lungs, under your diaphragm. (You remember your music teacher telling you to breathe from your diaphragm in grade school, right?) Hold that breath a few seconds, and now, narrowing your mouth to the shape of a straw, gently let that breath out through your mouth verrrrrrrrry slowly. Ahh! You have just begun to gain control over your anxiety.

Over the course of several sessions, you can learn many more skills to manage the “hijacking” and regain control. These are concrete skills, tailored to bring down anxiety and panic to a manageable level. Let’s work together to put worry and anxiety in their place.

Relaxation Techniques Testimonial:​“You asked me …if I would write up something reflective of how this exercise has impacted my life. Blood pressure at this week’s appointment was 104/70. Used to be 145/84. Stopped taking sleep aids for the first time in 12 years (haven’t taken any sine November of 2011). My glaucoma pressures have dropped to within normal range (at last appointment). I can focus and read with greater comprehension, speed, and retention of information. I am articulating more clearly than I have in years. I feel happy, relaxed and my anxiety levels have greatly diminished. My ADD symptoms have dissipated significantly. I have been practicing (Progressive Relaxation) approximately four to five times a week since 2009.”

Gail Johnson, LMSW, ACSWDid you ever wonder whether you might have ADD? Have people joked that you had an attention problem? Every year we discover people who have been trying so hard just to keep their heads above water asking themselves: “I should be able to do this — why am I such a failure?!”

​How do you know if it is ADD or just a momentary lapse? Several factors should be considered:

ADD: Distractibility

​Have you ever been deep in an interesting conversation with someone you like and lost track of the conversation because something else happened? (Squirrel!)

ADD: Environmental Difficulty

​In a self-contained elementary classroom you stayed “with the program,” but upper grades, and college got tough. You just couldn’t keep up. You did your homework, but forget to hand it in. Or lost it. (Shiny!)

ADD: Skipping Steps

You know you’re pretty smart, but can’t seem to prove it to the people who matter. Do you feel like bosses, teachers, and family members can’t understand why you aren’t following established protocols? (ADD?)– – –Does any of that sound familiar? If so, it may be helpful to know for sure what you are dealing with: to know once and for all whether you could be enjoying a more productive, less distressing life?

The Test of Variable Attention (TOVA)can provide answers to your questions. TOVA was normalized over the years from a sample of over 10,000 cases. Dr. Lawrence Greenberg continues to modify it and apply it to new cases. With an accuracy rate between 80 and 90%, it is quite likely we can answer questions like, “Do you think I am lazy, a space cadet, or a failure?” with a solid “No!”​Together, we may find that you have ADD and this long-silent condition can finally be addressed.

Gail Johnson, LMSW, ACSWEverywhere in nature and the world around us, we recognize that when stress and pressure build up — a plugged volcano, a pipeline, or a steel girder undergoing too much pressure — it cannot continue indefinitely. Something has to give. The volcano overflows, the pipeline blows, the girder snaps — all with potentially catastrophic results.

When Stress and Pressure Buildup: Your Body Keeps ScoreWe tend to ignore the fact that we too are subjected to increasing pressures. When it comes to ourselves and the stress we face throughout the day, something eventually has to give – just like the natural world.

This is experienced over time: rising prices, lost jobs, working “smarter and harder”, and catastrophic events (both human caused and natural).

For example:

the mom and pop store trying to deal with regulations and costs

the customer service centers where the caring employee is expected to do the job and keep the numbers down

the parents with the new baby and inadequate sleep

the women who needs to make a tough decision

the man trying to cope with time constraints

the family with overloaded schedules

​Pressure builds and predictably, we see a blowup or implosion:

sleep loss

anxiety

frustration

anger

emotional outbursts

freeze, flight, fight responses

rapid heart rate

increased blood pressure

gastrointestinal problems

muscle tension

dizziness

That’s when many of us finally get it. We are ready to blow up or implode. Now we need help, so what to do?

​Relieving the Stress and Pressure

Begin with quiet.Yes, quiet. Your body has been subjected to multiple stressors which includes the clangor of modern life. You deserve (and likely the muscles of your body crave) the opportunity to recover from the noise of “civilization.”

Tune in to your current body state.Be mindful of muscle tension, heart rate, stomach and other organs and pay attention to each area that calls to you.

Watch your dog or cat or child sleep.A short breath in, a slight pause, and a long breath out. You also sleep like this. Your breathing can calm your body by addressing your amygdala, your fight-or-flight survival mechanism. It tells your amygdala that you consider yourself safe and it is ok to release tension.

Accompany this with calming music, a restful or beautiful picture, a warm cup of soup or tea, or something soft to touch.

Repeat numbers 1 through 4 until you feel some relief.

If your stress doesn’t respond as much as you would like, seek further help from a therapist who understands stress. Your body and mind will appreciate these gifts you give to it.

Gail Johnson, LMSW, ACSW​Most traumas aren’t simple, they involve many levels and types of experiences. Gail Johnson calls this “stacked trauma,” and has this interactive advice for sorting through trauma and discovering balance in the aftermath of trauma:

Well now, let’s put this in perspective regarding mental wellness and health: What happened? Was it spectacular? Was it impressive? Was anyone hurt?

Is your “tray” of negative experiences full to overflowing?

Is your “birthday cake” of anger or sadness starting to slide downhill?

What about your “human pyramid” of unhelpful or harmful people?

​It may be interesting to note that you’ve been able to withstand a plethora of negative experiences without crashing. But you may also feel that you are at the tipping point, ready to come down like a house of cards. We humans tend to believe that if we only suck it up, or “move forward” or push it down (whatever IT is), we can withstand unlimited pressure. (Think about the garbage dump in the first Star Wars movie.) Um, no, we are not infinitely able to withstand heavy burdens and pressures. There is always a breaking point. ​(see Mythbusters)

Mind/Body Therapy is an opportunity to lay down each of the pieces of the dining tray, the birthday cake, the cheerleading pyramid—one at a time, or sometimes bundled. Make no mistake, it IS work. But if you persist, you can prevail. Methods such as EMDR, Energy Tapping, Yoga, Acupuncture, Massage, and Hypnosis have the potential to be very effective in unstacking trauma.

Evolving into the parent of an adult child is about as comfortable as a pair of shoes that no longer fit. It takes you by surprise and is confining, restrictive and frustrating. For the last 18 years plus you have been your child’s sole provider, nurturer, decision maker and a host of other roles. Now that they are an adult, you are supposed to relinquish those duties, take a step back and let them figure out life on their own. Everything you have done as a parent to this point set the stage for what will happen next. It is a defining occasion in both their life and yours as you see whether what you have taught them and modeled for them has gotten through or made an impact. The transition won’t be easy because you love how comfortable the old shoes fit. Now they need to be stretched. This is like your parenting control. It needs to become looser which means you no longer have a say in what your child wears, or whether or not they attend church, eat right or hang around the right crowd. Even when your adult child solicits your advice, you still need to refrain from telling them what to do. If you want to continue to teach your children independence and empower them to make their own choices, simply ask questions that will help lead them to make a decision on their own. If you continue to make their decisions for them, they will not gain the needed confidence to make positive judgments.

As you do that be prepared that your adult child may make decisions that are contradictory to your values and beliefs-the ones they grew up with in your house. At these times it is okay to remind them of your values, while affirming that you realize it is their choice. The most important thing is to validate your unconditional love for them regardless of their decision and despite any consequences that may occur. An example might be that your child decides to live with their boyfriend or girlfriend prior to marriage. This is not a behavior that you value, which you made clear as they were growing up, but for whatever reason they chose that path.

As a parent the first thing to do is to think about your response before you react. Your child knows your feelings on the subject and they are waiting for you to overreact. Although your first thoughts may be that you won’t help them move, won’t ever come to their house or won’t acknowledge them as a couple, consider holding back those reactions and responding more positively. You can still tell them why you are strongly in favor of marriage, but then follow it up with an acknowledgement that this is their decision and you still love them. Loving them may not be rescuing them from consequences but it certainly includes kindness and not rejection.

That’s the tight rope you have to walk. You may have thought it would get easier as they got older but in reality that is far from the truth. You have to find a way to express your disagreement, remind them of the values you taught them while at the same time convey your unconditional love. This is not the time to remind them how you sacrificed for them all these years and how could they do this to you. That puts them on the defensive and communicates that your love was conditional all along.

Developing a relationship with your now adult child will take equal amounts of diplomacy patience and understanding. It will mean swallowing words that are best unspoken, refraining from giving advice when independence needs to be learned, and loving deeply despite the circumstances. If you can do this, then when the decisions your child make fall apart and leave them with difficult consequences, they will remember through it all your unconditional love and encouragement. Much like your feet appreciate a good pair of shoes with good support and without restriction, your child will appreciate your continued support without constraint and loaded with unconditional love.

People often think that forgiveness is about letting another person off the hook. This type of belief leads to a hesitancy in wanting to forgive because there is a feeling that the person who did the hurting needs to suffer for their deed. Therefore, people carry unforgiveness in their heart like a weapon of revenge, when it’s probably more harmful to them than the person they hold a grudge against.

Often forgiveness is thought of as something we offer to a person who has hurt us. While there is truth to that, there is another way of framing the purpose of forgiveness. It is about putting accountability where it belongs. It is not our responsibility nor is it possible for us to free another person of responsibility for what he/she did to hurt us.

The resentment we have towards the other person probably has little if any bearing on them, yet we shoulder the negative impact or weight of it. The burden gets heavier when those feelings start to interfere with our other relationships. That’s why it’s important to learn how and why to forgive.

When we forgive someone, we are really freeing ourselves of the hurt and anger that haunts our spirit. It frees us of the obsessive need we have to get retribution from that person. We are then able to move forward in our lives rather than stay stuck in anger and bitterness.

To forgive someone is to let ourselves off the hook. It is about caring for ourselves and making our relationship right with God. We can never control what other people do, but we can control what we do and how we respond. We don’t have the power to let someone else off the hook—only God has that ability.

We walk through life in general with unspoken expectations we place on ourselves as well as others. These expectations are sometimes higher than what we or others can realistically achieve which can cause unnecessary hurt and disappointment.

This couldn’t be truer than in relationships where we tend to hide agendas and feelings and wait for the other person to find the truth instead of revealing it up front. It is important in relationships that expectations be clearly communicated; otherwise it’s difficult for a person to meet an expectation they have no knowledge exists. Once the expectation is communicated then both parties have the opportunity to discuss and determine if it can be met.

This type of exchange may seem more stoic than romantic, but people spend too much time waiting for their spouse, friend, parent, sibling or co-worker to guess what they need or are thinking. For married couples it seems there’s some dream fantasy attached to believing that because your spouse loves you and married you, they should just know what you expect. That’s where the trouble begins along with the breakdown in communication.

While you don’t have to throw out the fairy tale, happily-ever-after picture, you need to adjust the framework. For example, men need to meet the emotional needs of their wives in order for her to meet his sexual needs. Sometimes men don’t have the capacity or ability to meet those needs in the exact way his wife desires, no matter how hard he tries. Does she then take a “well turn-about is fair play” attitude and not meet his need even though she is able?

The answer is no. She needs to lower her expectations to be more realistic of his ability, while at the same time he needs to work out what he can do to improve in meeting her emotional needs. If the expectations remain too high, he might give up thinking he will never be able to meet her needs. The same is true for his expectations of her.

If expectations are discussed respectfully in advance instead of just blurted out randomly during a highly-emotional argument, there is a better chance both individuals will have their needs met. This requires honest and open communication. It’s not fair to convey one expectation verbally but have a completely different standard in your mind that you’re afraid to discuss but can’t let go of either.

When you clearly communicate your expectations, you create a more peaceful, loving and safe environment in which everyone can learn and grow and reach higher levels of satisfaction. You will spend more time enjoying each other instead of trying to figure each other out.