Category Archives: April Fool’s Day

SAN DIEGO — Rep. Heath Shuler (D, NC) and Chargers coach Norv Turner were arrested after an alleged assault of an area man.

Eyewitness video of the alleged assault show Shuler and Turner wailing on the thirysomething year old man on the side of a popular jogging trail. According the video, Turner could be heard yelling “how many division titles do you have?!” Shuler was heard to say “not so easy to stop Shuler now, is it blog boy? Time for some mountain values!”

The victim, clad in a Pops Mensah-Bonsu jersey could only muster out, “Help! The coach is killing me!” shortly before losing consciousness. Police arrived shortly thereafter and took the Turner and Shuler into custody. Shuler could be heard arguing with Turner that they started too early.

TIJUANA — Speedy Gonzales, the “fastest mouse in Mexico” and star of Warner Bros. cartoons in the 1960s has died in a Tijuana methadone clinic where he had been seeking treatment for heroin addiction. News of his death was released by his cousin, Slow Poke Rodriguez.

Gonzales, 56, was a regular in Warner Bros. cartoons staring in the 1950s when he was often the nemesis of Sylvester the Cat. The two became off-screen friends as well.

“I never thought they should have broken us up, but back then you did not question the studio, said Mr. Cat. I know he had some tough times lately…I’ll miss him.”

In 1960s, Sr. Gonzales was pitted against Daffy Duck in many shorts and the two did not get along off-camera either. Though Sr. Gonzales never spoke of a feud publicly, he harbored a great deal of resentment about Daffy.

“Speedy hated, hated el greengo pato passionately. He knew Daffy was planting lies about him in the papers and badmouthing him to the studio,” according to Sr. Rodrigez.

Mr. Duck denied to comment through his publicist.

Gonzales profile declined as Warner Bros. scaled back and eventually eliminated its shorts. Still, he could count on regular appearances on holiday specials throughout the 1980s. However, changing sensibilities in 1990s led Warner Bros. to remove almost all of Sr. Gonzales’ cartoons from syndication, costing him lucrative royalty fees. He also missed out on the Warner Bros. merchandising boom of the late 90s. Unable to get work from Warner Bros.his visa lapsed and he had to stay in Mexico. He grew depressed and turned to drugs, according to his cousin. Rodrigez then insisted without provocation, while stroking a revolver, that he did not introduce Gonzales to drugs.

The final blow for Gonzales is thought to be losing out to Erik Estrada for the lead role on the telenova, Dos mujeres, un camino. Since then he has had trouble staying clean with his most recent stay in rehab being his third in the last six years.

UNIVERSITY PARK — In a development that has sent shockwaves through the beer industry and the Penn State campus, a Penn State Ph.D. candidate in chemistry has determined that Yuengling and Rolling Rock beers are exactly the same.

“The findings are surprisingly conclusive and have a margin of error of less than 0.005%,” said Maximillian Schlorndorf. “At the molecular level, these two beers are exactly the same.”

Schlorndorf added that in addition to molecular testing, the experiment was supplemented by an extensive blind taste test involving 900 people, including former employees from both breweries.

“We had the strictest controls possible and still had 100% accuracy. It simply astounding and unprecented.”

The National Beer Council issued a statement calling the study “absurd and an attempt by the ivory tower to unfairly malign beer and the millions of hard-working citizens who enjoy it.”

Political economy of communications professor Don Rettig noted that this was something he had been teaching his students all along.

“Branding, we have concluded, is more powerful than tastebuds. The only shocking thing about this study is that it even needed to happen. I could have you told this without a microscope.”

Across campus, students were angered by the study.

“Youz gotta be kiddin; me, I can’t believe that somebody would dare say my Yuengling is like Rolling Rock and sh-t like that,” said sophomore Ed Zoder of Frackville. “He be’s from Jersey henna. Man, I hate Jersey, it cost a hunnert dollars just to drive through it and they make ya pay to get back in Pennsylvania. That hunky better not come around Mockonoy City of Chendo if he knows what’s good for him.

Addressing Schlordorf directly, Pete Kifflin of McKeesport warned “Nuh-uh, yinz chawt Schlorndorf. Jeez-o-man, he’s probably from Jersey or Philly, cause he’s stupid. Philly should be part of Jersey anyway! He better not show up dahntahn n’at.”

Schlorndorf has been moved to an undisclosed off-campus location by Penn State police after several death threats.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The National Dairy Council announced this morning that Dan Steinberg, author DC Sports Bog, will be joining their team. In his new role, Steinberg will write the council’s first blog, CHEESE BOY.

“I cannot not emphasize just how happy I am to quit the Bog and start blogging about improtant, like cheese,” said Steinberg. “I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had to drink myself to sleep after a night asking some overpaid manchild about his car or favorite fast food. The time is right for me, spring is coming and that is when hockey locker rooms really get nasty. Ever smelled one of those before? They smell like someone left a couple of pounds of Limburger in the backseat of minivan for a week in August. Just absolutely foul.”

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When I was 9 years old, we visited our former neighbors in their new Michigan home for Thanksgiving. According to Bruce Campbell, we didn’t celebrate the right way.

Later that weekend, we piled into the back of a Chevy station wagon (diesel even) and drove through Detroit to Windsor, Ont. just to say we went to Canada, I guess. We had McDonald’s and since it was warm, the back window was rolled down. J.J. shot spitballs onto the Canadian street. Then we got stuck in traffic crossing the Ambassador Bridge and I half-ate a Snickers.