The perfect blend

Who could forget Charlene and Scott? Photograph: AFP/GettyYou know, a funny thing struck me as I left the house this morning, when out of nowhere, I realised the global, and philosophical importance of the concept of "neighbours". Because everybody needs good neighbours, don't they? And with a little understanding - only a little, I thought, it doesn't have to be much - you can find the perfect blend. Neighbours, history has shown us, on political as well as emotional levels, should be there for one another. And that, I realised, is when good neighbours become good friends. This was genius. This, it struck me, could, if applied to certain international hotspots, truly be Nobel peace prize winning thinking. Then I realised I was just singing the theme tune of a popular Australian soap opera in my head. Doh.

I can't help it, Neighbours, currently celebrating its 20th year, is ingrained into the fabric of my very soul. Day after day of sunny soap dilemmas and soppy soap romances have caused Vegemite to run through my Ramsay Street-shaped veins, and I'm not alone. Shown in 57 countries, and averaging about 120 million viewers daily, the show, at its peak, was viewed by more people in the UK alone than made up the entire population of Australia at the time. To be fair, the affection for the soap has always seemed to be stronger in the British psyche than in the hearts of its native countryfolk. Ask any Australian how many times they've been asked about Neighbours since arriving in Britain, and your answer will range from a roll of the eyes to a cheery Australian punch in the face.

Today, at 1.45pm and repeated at 5.35pm, the BBC will be showing the celebratory 20th anniversary episode of Neighbours, full of old faces and memories, and in recognition of that fact, I thought we should take a moment to think about the characters we have loved and lost ( to Perth, mainly), and the important life lessons our 20 years on Ramsay Street have taught us.

Eight life lessons I have learned from Neighbours:1) Falling in love is dangerous. If you haven't got a birth certificate proving they're not your half-brother and a sworn affidavit from your entire family promising they're not already secretly married to this person, you're in trouble. 2) Never ever go to the Bush, a forest, or any kind of countryside. You will fall off a cliff, get bitten by a spider, fall off a horse, get shot by duck hunters, or otherwise die horribly. Just stay in Ramsay Street, it's safest. Well, sort of. 3) Even if you do find someone to fall in love with that isn't a relation or having relations with a close family member, it won't last. Most relationships last on average four months. It's normal to have at least nine partners in two years, some of them twice. Whole marriages can last less than 20 minutes if you manage things properly. 4) All casual drug taking - even one tab - leads to almost irretrievable addiction, and the irreversible breakdown of your relationships and family life. Remember kids - drugs are bad. 5) Entertain at home, constantly. If not at home, make sure your social life includes only one pub and one coffee house - both must be frequented not only with people you already live with, but also everyone in the adjoining houses. And very few other people. That way you're assured of bumping into most of your ex-partners, long-lost children, present mistresses and rivals in one evening. 6)Stefan Dennis (Paul Robinson) is surely the most attractive man on the planet. No woman is out of his reach. 7) If you're going to die, for God's sake do it slowly, and with a quiet soft rock soundtrack. No one will remember you otherwise. 8) Having said that, there's a fair chance that within two weeks of your dying or moving house, no one will remember you anyway.

Well, that's not true. If you sit down and think very hard, it's possible to remember them all. People have constructed elaborate family trees, house-by-house histories and complex lists of past characters. From Mrs Mangel (who was only in it for two years! Who knew?!) to Bree Timmins and other people I've never heard of, Neighbours has remained for a lot of us the only television programme they can switch on after 100 missed episodes and still be able to work out what's going on.

The cast of the soap - and they must, by now outnumber the actual population of Melbourne - also retain the distinction of being the people that I would be starstruck by if faced with in real life. Or I thought that, until I met Hannah Martin at a party, and was too drunk to be starstruck. Or, in fact, notice. But I was very, very impressed the next day, I tell you.

I'm trying to think of the character I'd be most starstruck by, if they wandered into my path - Kylie, Guy Pearce and Jim-Robinson-now-of-24-and-OC-fame excepted - and I think it would have to be Helen Daniels, a lovely grandmotherly woman with a weakness for waifs and strays.

Unfortunately, Anne Haddy died in 1997. So, my second choice would be Lou Carpenter, a jolly yet brusque man the colour of Uluru (orange, basically). No, not Lou. It would have to be the Willis family. All of them. Pam, Doug, Adam, Gaby, Brad and Cody. But it's never going to happen. I'm never going to happen upon the entire Willis family in my local Starbucks. The closest I can hope for is catching Karl Kennedy on his band's upcoming tour of "Walkabout" pubs of the UK.

I'd be struck down by the greatness of any of them, though, I must admit. Even Chubby Sharon or easily forgettable Paul McClain (who?) would render me speechless, once I'd got over the "Gosh, where do I know you from? Do you get on my bus?" moment.

I'd even be impressed at second hand stories of meeting the stars (or bit-part players, whatever) of Ramsay Street, if anyone had any. Has anyone met a Neighbour? If you haven't, but you could, who would you like to spot? And if you have no interest in star spotting at all - then come on, tell us your favourite character, and why (anyone who says they haven't got one is a sourpuss). Mine, to start you off, is Dr Clive Gibbons, the man I said I'd marry. I haven't, yet, by the way. But there's still time. But there you go. I've shown you mine - who's yours?

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