Lessons from Dan

Naturally the usual suspects went off on Dan Johnson after his interview ("Meet Dan Johnson," Oct. 10). They can't get over the fact of his success. But since the day I've read it, that interview has changed my life.

First I threw away every dictionary in the house. When my wife asked me to take out the garbage I replied, "What is garbage really? I mean, the junk you buy looks like garbage to me. Who decides these things?"

Next day when my boss brought up a safety issue I said, "Who's to say what's safe and what isn't? Seems to me it's a gray area. Is it written down somewhere?" Turned out it was, but I had signed some stuff I couldn't remember.

Friends noticed the change and some gave me static. They said I never used to be a liar. I told them, "Who are you guys to say what's true and what isn't? Where does it say I can't tell people whatever I want?" One of them brought up the Bible, something about bears eating witnesses. But I haven't got time to read a huge book that's not in plain English.

Now that I'm sleeping on the couch, on my last chance at work and friends aren't speaking to me, I've decided to connect with new people who aren't jealous of my winning attitude. Eventually I'll hold public office without the hassle of a campaign. Meanwhile, I have tons of books to sell on eBay. I don't know how I got them because I don't look back, but evidently losers pay money for them.

I'm still working on using more f-bombs, and the whole "no regrets" thing. But at least I'm not held back anymore by mumbo jumbo that has nothing to do with turning a dollar. Thank you, Dan Johnson, for showing me how to be a freaking winner!