Persuade by Pride, Not Shame

Description

When you want to persuade someone to do something (or resist doing
something), then it is better focus on the
pride they will feel when they comply
with your request rather than the
shame they may feel if they do not comply.

Talk up how good they will feel. Show them that they can be rightfully proud
of doing the best thing. Let them know that others will agree and that this is
also something to be proud of.

Example

A mother encourages her son to do his homework by saying how
proud he will be to have done it early.

In an experiment by Dan Ariely, subjects who anticipated pride
in resisting cake ate far less than those who thought about the shame of
succumbing. The pride group also ate less than the control group who received no
admonitions.

Discussion

Positive persuasion generally works better than negative methods. Negative
methods can have unpredictable results, for example causing a
fight-or-flight reaction,
or otherwise resulting in some form of
coping, such as
reactance.

Positive methods, on the other hand, create
trust and
bonding. Suggesting that a person
be proud also may work simply because you are showing you respect them,
resulting in them wanting
to reciprocate in some way. Perhaps more so, the thought of feeling proud just
seems better and more attractive than feeling bad and ashamed.

This does not mean that pride works better than shame in all situations.
There are always exceptions and each case should be understood on its merits.
However, the point remains that, whilst we mostly use shame, pride is notably
more effective in most situations.

Something else to consider when balancing shame and pride is that shame is
based on avoidance and pride is based on attraction. We each have a preference
for
attraction or avoidance, so shame may be more effective for a person with a
stronger avoidance driver. Also remember that this is only one factor and even a
strong avoider may still be more persuaded by an appeal to pride than to shame.