Sunday, December 1, 2013

California Stars

Homesick all weekend. I've sat here for almost an hour now, trying to write about that, but the words won't come. I've felt in limbo since I got here, and such a non-place seems to defy description. Things aren't bad here at all--I love my job, my students, the many friends I was too far from for years. But now there are people (and dogs) on the other side of the country, and I can't really think about that distance too deeply, because I need to be able to function.

And there's the place itself, that other side. Maybe we only ever really find our place in the place where we find ourselves, whenever and however that happens. Maybe it would have happened here if I'd stayed. But I left before something in me was fully formed, and something about California helped me grow, expand, free myself.

All of this has been spinning around in my head. And then I heard this song tonight while I was driving, and
suddenly I was on a cliff along Route 1, a damp, freezing wind blowing
in hard from the Pacific, the scent of the ocean mixing with eucalyptus and
coastal sage. And off to my left in the darkness there's a halo of light
hovering over San Francisco, but it's nowhere near close enough to
interfere with the millions and millions of stars in the perfect night
sky.

6 comments:

wow. You put it in an exact sentence: "maybe we only find our place in the place where we find ourselves." I've been wondering and thinking about that for years and yet never quite put in in words... the closest I got was something about the place where one has their "adult formative years." yikes, no... its finding yourself... but shouldn't one be able to... you know, still move? Me in California misses you, too.

I think one can still move--it's easier for some of us than for others, I guess. I find change difficult at the best of times! I guess I'm just still puzzling through how best to structure my life to allow for my need for place.

(And sorry about my typos & punctuation errors above, I am "hurrying" to leave for work. In as much as checking a few blogs can count as getting ready to leave for work. But the kids left before me so I am footloose & fancy free or fingerloose.)

I was going to quote the same line as Andrea. I feel like maybe this act of being consistently inconsistent with my life, my thoughts, what ground my feet are on have something to do with not giving myself time to do what it is I need to. Not marinating in the life around me so that I can make my way to the place and person I need or want to be. I am coming to terms with the "staying" aspect, "settling down" and not in terms of people. Just me. Me and my feet.

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6.2.13 "Can I put on this hat again? Then come outside and get cake?" Sure. "But first: I've gotta get out of control."

5.28.13 "I'm going to float out in space and EAT the WORLD!" And what do you suppose the world is going to taste like? "A peanut."

5.28.13 "You know what makes a skeleton even more freaky? A beard and long hair. Or a mustache."

5.6.13 (impromptu song) "We go to the rockin-rockin ri-ver. And we get a cup of lime-ade. And then the kids set the hammock in the sea. And we rock-n-rock-n-rock-n... We go to the rockin-rockin ri-ver!"

5.5.13 (chant, accompanied by a rhythmic back-massage for his mama) "Horse-radish, horse-radish! Horse-radish has a ponytail. Horse-radish has only one earring. Horse-radish has a cup of milk on the table. Horse-radish! Horse-radish! Horse-radish! (endless)

3.16.13 (pulling a dripping Peep out of his hot chocolate) "Are there more of these dumplings?"

3.15.13 "I like turkey vultures. They are awesome."

3.14.13 "Mom. I'm allergic to car light."

3.7.13 "I have three questions. When can we have a baby? Can we plan to go to Dillon Beach? And... We're running out of toilet paper."

2.17.13 "What was the name of the first person? You told me once... I think it was Michael Jackson. What movies has Michael Jackson been in?"

2.11.13 "No one can live on Pluto. Well, Santa can. And Mrs. Claus."

1.29.13 "Here's a shoe! Here's a carrot! People!!!" Penn. You can't feed the Goat Ghost people. "We're cleaning up! And then we're going to play a game with the goat ghost. Goat ghost is fast." (Goat Ghost is Daddy.)

1.13.13 "Mommy, can you make this sound like a rockstar's guitar?"

1.10.13 "I'm going to be awarding you something! Because you're sick. It might be a small basket of kumquats, or... love... or a kiss... or snuggles."

1.7.13 Are you a sleepyhead today? "No. I'm just keeping Daddy company. 'Cuz he's by himself in here."

12.26.12 "Ho, ho, the baby toe, hung where you can not see. Somebody doesn't wait for you, is there one for me..."

12.26.12 "No, we can't put it on the wall. If it fall at deep angle-age, it will break."

12.25.12 What do we do, for work? "You do food, coop-er-a-tive-ly... and Daddy studies."

12.19.12 Know what that is? "Small pox?"

12.8.12 "I just said a bad word." (beat) "Sorry, Santa."

12.4.12 "No apples." Can I use persimmons instead? "No fruit in soup."

12.3.12 "My owie was bleeding a little outside. We wrapped it in wet grass." Who did that? "Ruby. She said she was a doctor. I loved it."

11.20.12 While playing scattergories, "I hope I roll a P so I can put something inappropriate."

11.15.12 "I love you til the numbers run out."

10.7.12 (Watch out for the hot grill!) "I know! Mommy! Sparks flew out, but I survived!"

10.6.12 "When I grow up, I want to build the fastest car. Then I'm going to leave that job and be a scientist."

5.13.12 "This is going to be good heaven." (upon nestling down on the couch with me, to cuddle and drink milk. Happy half-assed mother's day!)

5.7.12 (His pants are on backward; I motion for him take them off.) "You don't have to do that! You can just spin them around!" No you can't, you've got legs. "Oh yeah. Legs."

5.4.12 Overheard: (an explanation from my husband to Penn.) "Alright, yes. There probably is a way we can make a book that lives in the toilet for a while."

5.2.12 "I think Tatum and me are going to live in the same house. When we grow up. It'll have a basement, and an upstairs, and a garage next to the bottom. And an attic, so we can play in it." [All said with maximum delight.]

4.23.12 "Mommy, can I get a little darker skin on me? From outside?"

4.21.12 "Who is the New Yorker? Is the New Yorker a vampire?"

4.18.12 Yesterday, Penn was taking sign-ups for Dragon Lessons. I know this because his friend Tatum is an excellent reporter. What do Dragon Lessons entail? Tatum doesn't know, but she signed up anyway.

4.10.12 Maybe we should clean up a little tomorrow. "Yeah, let's clean up for the thunderstorm. And eat good food. And not touch metal."

4.8.12 (Easter Sunday) "I accidentally ate some more candy. But don't worry, I didn't get diabetes."

4.5.12 (We are discussing how Penn might behave as a big brother.) Remember how Luke feels about Leia? "And how Luke feels about Lando?"

4.2.12 Troy says no. Penn says "Why don't you consider it?"

3.20.12 "Sauerkraut yum!!!!"

3.14.12 Troy mentions his crutches. "Those are called pogo sticks."

3.13.12 "Dad, did you break your leg?" No, just a bone in my foot. This is a splint. "Do you have a fake leg?"

3.5.12 "I love you way too much." (Usually he wakes up with an I-love-you-Mommy, and he frequently says I-love-you-too-much. Why this morning was different, I'll never know.)

12.26.12 "No, we can't put it on the wall. If it fall at deep angle-age, it will break."

12.25.12 What do we do, for work? "You do food, coop-er-a-tive-ly... and Daddy studies."

ToddlerBlog

3.4.12 "Can it be hot and cold?" You mean warm. "No. I want it to be snug. Like a bed." (The bathwater.)

2.29.12 (tshirt wrapped around his neck) "Do I look like Bib Fortuna?"

2.21.12 "You are such a... person who is a toilet."

2.19.12 My husband mutters, picking up objects from the floor: "Sticks. I'm gonna blame that on your genes." Our child fills every pocket with wood chips and stones. Laundry is potpurri. The hoarding is strong within him.

2.18.12 "Eyeball swap!!!! Nevermind. Swap BUTTS."

2.7.12 "Who can be my husband?" Anyone you like, sweetheart. "What if I can't find them?" [Ah. Well.] Then you look for your person, and that person will find you. #thankyou9thcircuitcourtofappeals

2.3.12 Penn. Take a bit of this c̶a̶u̶l̶i̶f̶l̶o̶w̶e̶r̶ tree. Now take a breath while you are eating. What does it taste like? Doesn't it taste like CHEESE? "It tastes like I'm eating a giraffe."

2.3.12 "Double guns actually make you die quicker."

1.31.12 "This will be fancy cool... Toothbutter, you will not come out! ... six pieces of tooth powder... arr, pirates." [post-Star Wars chatter]

1.29.12 "Mom, you're intering me UP!" (silent t)

1.14.12 "Mom, you stink like BUNNIES!"

1.12.12 "Mommy, can we please go to ToiletLand? Noah knows how to get there!" (Troy) Are you sure it's not maybe called ToyLand, or something? "No--TOILETLand!"

12.23.11 "Know what I think we're going to get for Christmas? An UPSTAIRS. Well, not an upstairs, a renovation."

12.21.11 "I can't wait to be a grownup." Why? You don't like being a little kid? "I want everyone to be the same age at the same time and the same size."

12.14.11 (middle of the night) "Mommy. Can I ask you if werewolves are real." Sure honey. They are not real. "Can you blow this dream out of my head?" Sure. *blows on forehead* "In my dream, it was the night before Thanksgiving. There were werewolves coming! And there were these guys, with plenty of eyeballs. One of the werewolves, it tried to bite me. But instead it ate one of the guys with plenty of eyeballs."

12.8.11 (while putting up ornaments of the toy and whimsical variety) What's in that clock, Penn? "Oh, a mouse. But it's sleeping. We should leave it alone."

11.15.11 "How do you make egg nog?" Well, you take eggs, and separate them... "First you take egg." Uh-huh. Then you take-- "Then you take nog!" [Sadly, the recipe ended there, as parents died of laughter.]

11.11.11 "Dad. Would C3P0 get mad if you called him 'C Pee-Pee 0'?"

11.9.11 "Dad, are you up for a baby?" [no was the long and short of it.]

11.2.11 "I had a dream I was a leaf-blower, walking by itself. And blowing leaves! And I had an ear mask. I imagined it."

10.13.11 Whilst playing lego in the other room: "Aw, SHITE."

10.8.11 "Diaper. DIAPER! Diaper. I want a diaper." You want to wear a diaper? "Yes. I love diapers." When was the last time you wore a diaper? When you were three? (Pause.) "Beware. BeWARE of yourself!!!"

10.3.11 Looking at a picture of Ronald Regan and a golden retriever. "Did that dog get a sleep shot?"

9.25.11 [Hits my tummy.] "I like your tummy."

9.13.11 "Dad, can you and Mom make another baby?" Dad: I'll think about it. "But do you still have baby seeds?" Dad: [stifles laugh] Yes. Me: We're talking about it. "But... you're not talking about it. I don't hear baby language!"

9.2.11 "Star Trooper and Darth Vader are camping, and they have to shoot a bear."

8.26.11 "There were midwives helping me come out?" Yup, four years ago today. "What were their names?" One was Jennifer, and another was... hm. "Totoro?"

8.15.11 "I had a dream last night where Tatum made a yodel and light bulbs came out."

7.28.11 "Sometimes, poops take a long time. That's because they're getting dressed."

7.27.11 "Today, we learned about sea turtles. They're actually called fire turtles. They have a bucket in their chests that they can fill up with water and put out fires. They are fire turtles. Don't tell anyone."

7.26.11 "Mommy, where are my seeds?" .... "How do they come out?" .... "Why?" .... "Does it hurt?" ... "Do they make vegetables?" ... "How do they get in the uterus?"

7.24.11 "Mom, I wish we would have that so small kitten."

7.23.11 After babysitting, MD reported the following: Cracks in the road are caused by volcanoes. Captain Penn once stood in a volcano, but he was wearing his safety clothes - from Target.

7.12.11 "So, Mom. If you want a vagina or new knees, you go to the doctor, and they cut your knee off and glue on a new one. I'm serious, Mom."

7.8.11 "When I'm a big guy, I want you to hold me. I want you to hold me forever."

7.1.11 "I steal things! Because I am a serious animal."

6.15.11 "I painted inside my eyes." "Not quite yet-- I want to dry these shells in the lovely air." "Oh, Mom! Look--I found something lovely!" (holds up a clump of mud with a mussel inside a half-clam.)

6.14.11 Yes, Penn? What did you want to say? "I lost it in my head."

6.13.11 "Whoa! That's hogantic!"

6.11.11 "We don't even want jelly babies right now. Right? We don't even want them. Right now. I don't even want jelly babies right now."

6.4.11 "Before Mommy dies, let's get a new baby. From Daddy's belly."

5.28.11 "I ate all of you. Only left is little bones."

5.24.11 "If there were a giant monster inside, and he needed an orange cape, then I think it might be Batman. And he'll knock on the door, and if we don't answer, he'll think we're doing something private."

5.14.11 "I wanna see the purple-ution." [Multi-purpose solution.]

5.14.11 "That's Seattle. Mom, did you know there is a restaurant up there? Poker. Space Poker." [Space needle.]

2.10.11 "I wish we had a lot of bathrooms. And a fire pole. I wish we lived in a fire station. Oh. This *is* a fire station."

1.28.11 **introducting guest-blogger, Miss N (3 yrs)** "Once upon a time there was a spiderman and her name was Sonya. She shot fire out! She met with a robot and they were furious. Then tinkerbell came and saved the robot. Then sleeping beauty came and told them she loved them. Then snow white came and saved spiderman. Then cinderella came and I don't know what she did. The end."

1.23.11 Penn wants donuts, which I've never made. "Oh, I know how to make them. Butter. And brown sugar. And... flour. And... you have to play with the dough."

1.17.11 "I'm not feeling very good, but I can still drink milk. I'm going to be alive for the rest of the day."

1.15.11 "I think I would like a baby, and a sister." And how are you going to get a baby and a sister? "You're going to make them!" Pause. "But how does the cord get in there?"

1.10.11 Home from preschool, Penn spies a coloring sheet I set out for him. "Daddy, Santa came!"

1.5.11 Penn has a friend who has a pterodactyl. Sometimes, this pterodactyl gets sad. And meows.

12.24 After dessert, Penn is given three pieces of candy (which he must wait to eat): "I think this is cranberry" [it's a lozenge], "this is brownie" [it's a tootsie roll], "and this one is... soft cream." [It's a hershey's kiss.]

12.16.10 "There is a snowman, and where his sticks used to be, some new arms come out, and they are robot arms! [makes robot arm gestures] And then a camera comes out of his eyes... and numbers!"

12.1.10 "Do you know what is Columbus? Columbus is a city where you visit your Grandma. And Denis. And you go up, up, up... and you look down, and there are toys."

11.18.10 "Let's hide!" (hiding under blankets) "Mommy. Don't be sad of the dark. It's only dark from space."

11.15.10 "But I want to have a baby in my belly." Well, only people born with uteruses can make babies in their bellies. "I want a vagina." Well, you can have a vagina when you're an adult, if you like. (Additional conversation about surgeries and the costs of getting a vagina.) "I want to have surgery so I can have a vagina."

11.13.10 "I went to the duck store. There was a monster, and he tried to kill me. But... he put lettuce on me! Then turned me into a butterfly."