Marriage Matters: Creating a culture of honesty

While the nation was titillated last month by the scandal surrounding David Petraeus, the marriage education community mourned the loss of an “infidelity expert.”

By James and Audora BurgJournal Correspondents

While the nation was titillated last month by the scandal surrounding David Petraeus, the marriage education community mourned the loss of an “infidelity expert.” Peggy Vaughan, 76, died of cancer the same day that Petraeus submitted his resignation as director of the CIA.

In the case of Petraeus, after the initial bombshell, the story continued to evolve as new angles and players were discovered. But the media’s ongoing revelation of those affected by his behavior illustrated what happens in any marriage slammed by betrayal: The effects are farther-reaching than may be initially understood.

Shattered vows, trust, sense of security — an affair damages not just a marriage, but a person’s very sense of self. And Vaughan understood all this, because like Holly Petraeus, she was that wife. But rather than remain wounded or become permanently bitter, she went on a 30-year crusade to help other couples cope in the face of adultery.

Vaughan entered the public eye in 1980, when she and her husband, James, appeared on the Phil Donahue show to talk about how their marriage survived James’ seven years of infidelity. That may not sound ground-breaking, but at the time, it was highly unusual for a couple to talk about their personal experience with affairs.

They went on to write numerous books, including “Beyond Affairs,” “The Monogamy Myth,” and “Making Love Stay;” they also appeared on over 100 television or radio shows to spread the word that in the wake of infidelity, there is hope for recovery.

And they founded the Beyond Affairs Network, dedicated to helping other couples “restore their lives – and get from broken to healthy and whole again.”

One of Vaughan’s pet messages was the disconnect between personal expectation and cultural reality. She wrote on her Web site, dearpeggy.com, “For instance, we give lip service to monogamy while participating in the kinds of behaviors that actually contribute to affairs: our general obsession with sex as reflected in fashion, entertainment, and advertising; our fascination, titillation, and glorification of affairs; and our conditioning to be deceptive about sex.”

According to Vaughan, preventing affairs in a marriage comes down to the commitment to be honest, not a promise to be monogamous.

She said honesty is more than just “not lying;” it is “not withholding relevant information.” That honesty, or anti-secrecy, is a powerful antidote to the lure of the forbidden.

She said there are several factors that may “push,” “pull,” or otherwise tempt a spouse into an affair, but “whether or not they act on the temptation depends on their willingness to be dishonest and deceptive,” she wrote.

The culture at large will go its own way; the challenge is to create a culture of honesty in our own marriages.

James Burg, Ph.D., is an associate professor at Indiana University-Purdue, Fort Wayne. His wife, Audora, is a freelance writer. You may contact them at marriage@charter.net.