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Loneliness, lies, & LOVE

I don’t know what to write next.

I’ve written like ten different sentences and I just keep
deleting them. Nothing feels right.

I have a long list on my phone of “blog post ideas.” I add
to it constantly; I hear a quote, or have a thought, and my mind starts spinning
a web of ideas and connections and what *I* want to say about that topic, so I
quickly jot it down before I forget. I have a lot to say.

But this week, it all seems pointless. Forced. Empty.

So I’m just gonna type, with no plan at all, and just see where it goes…

***

I really want this blog to be helpful. *I* want to be helpful
(enneagram 2 without question). (Btw, if you don’t know what the enneagram is,
I’ll write about it eventually but go look it up. Trust me.)

So, on my quest to be The Most Helpful™, sometimes I think
too hard about my words. I over-analyze, over-think, try to say things in a way
that will connect with people and make sense and be, well, helpful. Inspiring
even? I want SO bad for everyone to feel empowered, to feel worthy and loved
and OKAY with themselves that it can kind of turn into a pep talk.

My friends and I call it “coach mode” now. And it’s really
not very helpful sometimes.

I need an OFF button.

(They have been given permission to tell me to stfu. I truly hope they take advantage of it.)

***

I mean everything that I say in coach mode. It’s not that I’m
saying anything wrong or bad or unhelpful… it’s just not what I need to be
saying RIGHT THEN. I get ahead of myself, ahead of the problem, and jump into
solving things because that is what The Most Helpful Woman does, right?!?

BOOM. FIXED YOU. YOU’RE WELCOME. WHO’S NEXT?

LOL. Yikes.

After spending way too many years making myself small & quiet, I’m now gaining my confidence back and I think it can make me a little… overzealous. I mean well; it comes from a place of genuine love. I want to share everything I’m learning and save the world. nbd.

***

It’s also no secret that other people’s problems help distract me from my own. I have to be careful not to turn it into an unhealthy coping mechanism, but I do feel better when I’m helping people. I have purpose and clarity and passion… I light UP when it’s time to talk about trauma! Tell me all about your childhood and broken relationships! What areas of life are you struggling in?!? Let’s GET TO IT.

There *could* be something wrong with me…

Nah.

I’m just discovering my niche. My place in the world. I’m
actually pretty excited about it, I just have a lot to learn still. Starting
with recognizing when to shut the fuck up. *shrug*

***

To be honest, I have been kind of struggling this week. For no apparent reason. Writing about grief did take a lot out of me (and I wrote even more than I posted, it got too long and I had to split it into two… more to come. Fun!).

I think I probably did my introvert thing and retreated into myself as a way to attempt to reset. But what that created was a pretty intense feeling of loneliness nudging me towards a spiral into depression. Stuck in my own head, it felt like no one GETS me.

That’s when I start to doubt everything. EVERYTHING. Who the eff do I think I am? I’m never going to be anyone or do anything important. I am terrible at everything. I shouldn’t even be writing this blog, no one reads it, no one likes it, it is a silly waste of time. I should just crawl back into my hole and stay there.

Damn.

***

It’s hard to fight off those thoughts sometimes. Especially
when that is how you’ve talked to yourself for most of your life. I’ve gotten
better at catching it though, and I do a few things to try to counteract it…

– Write in my gratitude & affirmation journal to shift my energy– Reach out to a friend– Self-care of some sort– Refrain from self-medicating with food or alcohol (very important)

Sometimes it works and I re-frame, re-focus, and life makes
sense again. Other times, it doesn’t work, and I still feel shitty. I still
feel alone and misunderstood and lost. And I’ve learned to just be ok with that,
because these are FEELINGS. Not facts. They’ll pass… I go to bed knowing that I
get another chance the next day.

***

(Important side note: If these types of thoughts and
feelings are a constant, everyday struggle for you, please reach out and talk
to someone! Depression and anxiety are real, you cannot “shake it off” and “just
think positive.” I’ve been there; lost in the fog of despair and hopelessness
for months on end. It is horrible and confusing and feels very lonely. But you
aren’t alone. Talk to a friend, a doctor, a therapist… you deserve health &
happiness just as much as anyone else.)

(OR… If you have a friend who seems to have disappeared into a Black Hole Of Sadness, CHECK IN WITH THEM FOR GOD’S SAKE. Go sit on their couch and watch Netflix. Stop by with coffee and a hug. Let them know that they are not alone, but do it through your actions, not just your words. They need you more than you probably realize.)

***

Something I’m learning right now is that when I start feeling lonely and like no one “gets me”, what I’m actually doing is outsourcing my happiness. Because if I just had that ONE person in my life who totally understood me, I would feel complete, right?! THAT person would fix ME. I’d feel seen and known and never feel sad or lonely again.

LIES.

“You complete me” is a bunch of crap. Jerry Maguire was a
cute movie, but that isn’t love, that’s codependency. Hard pass.

I am striving to become a whole person, on my own. And quite
frankly, if *I* don’t even “get me” sometimes, how the hell is someone else
supposed to?? If I can’t make myself happy, how can I expect someone else to
know what I need?

“Happiness is how you feel about yourself when you’re by yourself.”-Jay Shetty

It has nothing to do with anyone else! As a person who
enjoys control, that actually feels like a relief. No one else is in control of
my happiness.

The better I get at loving myself, the easier it is to see
when someone ISN’T loving me the way that I need. And that’s okay, because I
don’t NEED them to love me…

I LOVE ME. I AM THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

(Disclaimer: This does not mean I want to be single forever. Someday, someone awesome will think I’m awesome too and we can be awesome together. The End.)