Last week, Drew Westen of Emory University announced
the results of a study conducted before the 2004
election, which examined the brains of George Bush and
John Kerry supporters. The results of this study
suggested that partisan thinking derives not from
reason but pure emotion. When faced with favorable
facts about their candidates, the men's brains lit up
like junkies getting their fix on. When presented with
negative facts, their brains simply refused to
consider what they heard.

This, of course, comes as no surprise to me. I've
always wondered why the things I say to most liberals
and conservatives go in one ear and out the other. Now
I know: Scientifically speaking, these people have no
brains.

But rather than going on and on about this study,
which would probably only get me in trouble, I've
decided to take a break from spouting off this week to
let representatives from both sides of the political
aisle make the case for or against the study
themselves. Here now are the opinions on this
groundbreaking research, as written by two entirely
fictional voters, whose names I made up because I
wrote this on deadline and couldn't find anyone real
to interview. I think you'll agree their essays are
telling. In fact, both sides might be closer than you
think.

1. "My Brain is a Battleground in the War Against
America: A View From the Right," by Bush T.
Conservatron

In an ideal world, I suppose life would be one giant
fairytale. Special magicians called "doctors" would
dazzle us with wonderful, health-improving capsules
called "medicines." Man would soar through the sky in
big metal "airplanes." And who knows? Maybe someday
we'd have computers small enough to fit inside a
single room. But that's not the world we're living in
here. This is the real world. And the reality is,
there's no such thing as science.

What're you going to tell me next, Mr. Westenthat
the planet existed before I stepped foot on it? Or
that mankind was meant to find "answers" to questions?
Yeah, sure. Well, I've got a question for you: What's
black and white and red all over? All you liberals...
with American blood and New York Times print on your
hands.

Let me put this as simply as I can: I am a Bush
supporter. And unlike all you communist, tree-hugging,
Brokeback Mountain-watching Kerry supporters, I deal
in cold, hard factsnot the colors of the rainbow.
Emory University is just another Elite Leftist
College, bent on teaching America's youth about
liberal values like research and free parking. It
doesn't surprise me that these people would conduct a
study the likes of Mr. Westen's, because they'll do
whatever it takes to regain political power. Only
liberals deal in things like "emotions" and
"feelings." And only liberals would try to convince us
these things are normal.

This is what we're up against, people. First they
tried to secularize Christmas. Now they're trying to
secularize our brains. Are we really going to sit here
and stand for this?

Mr. Westen hates freedom. That's what this comes down
to. Anyone who would say I voted for Bush based on
pure emotion obviously doesn't remember September
11th. As a Bush supporter, I have personally
rationalized each and every one of the president's
policiesfrom "torture" and "domestic spying" to
"keeping secrets" and "destroying key freedoms and
civil liberties." This country was built on the blood,
sweat, and tears of slaves and George W. Bush
supporterspeople like me who understand you can't
just roll out of bed in the morning and expect things
to have "quote marks" around them. You have to work
to put those "quote marks" there. You have to work
to make things make sense to you.

So don't talk to me about being irrational. Talk to
all those freeloading hippie liberals at Emory
University. They're the irrational ones.

2. "He's George Bush, and he Approved This Hurricane:
A View From the Left," by John Kerry Mellencamp

Well, well, well. A new study out of Emory University
finds that partisan thinking is completely irrational.
Hey, guess what? As a Democrat, I've been saying this
for years. In fact, if not for all those partisans in
flyover country, John Kerry would be president right
now. And America would be in a much better place.

Already, I know what you're thinking. Actually, I
always know what you're thinking. And right now it's
this: "What makes Democrats less partisan than
Republicans?" That's easy. Democrats aren't partisan
because Democrats aren't a party. Oh, sure, we run
candidates in every election. We have our own mascot,
a chairman, even a color (a nice shade of blue). But
whereas Republicans exist to pillage and plunder the
country, we exist to stop them by
pillage-and-plundering cities and towns. Basically, we
exist out of pure necessity. And if that somehow makes
us a "party"? Well, that just shows how far to the
right our country has gone.

I think it's a shame America chose Bush over Kerry. If
Kerry were president, Hurricane Katrina would never
have happened. Nor would any of the other disasters
that've occurred the last five yearsincluding
Enron and Ben Affleck's Gigli. Most of the world
understands this. But Bush supporters? Bush supporters
are different. These people couldn't care less about
the environment, but when a Category 5 destroys the
Gulf of Mexico, all of a sudden it's a "force of
nature." All of a sudden it's "just something that
happens."

Please.

John Kerry predicted Hurricane Katrina. And if John
Kerry were president, the blind would be able to see
again. And lepers would no longer have leprosy. And
blacks would no longer be black. That's why it's
crucial we get Democrats back in the White House. My
party isn't a party, and I don't know who my party
will nominate next time, but whoever it isbe it
Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, Evan Bayh, or even Hillary
Clintonit's important that they win.

Don't let all those Republican spinmeisters spin the
results of this Emory study. Because they'll just keep
spinning like dreidels if you let them. Yes, there are
folks in this world who approach politics based on
pure emotion. But Fox News has a name for those
people. And they're called "Fox News viewers."

Bush supporters aren't human. Their brains aren't
misshapen and clumpy like our brains. Theirs are
perfect circles, and they taste a little like egg
whites. These people are crazy. They wave tiny flags
and don't go to the bathroom. They'll do whatever you
tell them to do, unless you tell them to vote
Democrat, in which case they're suddenly independent
thinkers. This makes no sense. And it's flat out
irrational.

If Republicans stay in power, the grass will melt and
the sun will fall down. That's the lesson of this
Emory study. So keep that in mind at the next
election. Vote Democrat and all of your wildest dreams
will come true.

Jonathan David Morris writes a weekly column on
politics, personal freedoms, and pop culture issues.
He can be reached at jdm@readjdm.com.