Conservatives get testy

Published 4:00 am, Wednesday, February 10, 1999

ALL RIGHT, put down your pencils, Republican presidential candidates, your time is up. Pass your litmus tests to the right.

I do mean right.

Former Vice President Dan Quayle, publisher Steve Forbes and "traditional values" activist Gary Bauer spent last week answering a 10-page take-home questionnaire from a conservative group called the Committee to Restore American Values.

They wanted to know how the candidates stood on such burning issues as whether they'd support the removal of the words "under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance and whether they'd allow a nativity scene on the White House lawn.

Just the fact that Quayle, Forbes and Bauer and a few even lesser Republican lights agreed to take a written litmus test in order to run for president should rule them out as candidates.

Do you want a president who does homework when ordered? Steve Forbes went to Princeton, and now he has to write essays about the Pledge of Allegiance?

Do you want a president who lingered over the question of whether "gambling" is more politically right than

"gaming" ?

Do you want a president who labored, pencil in mouth, over the question "Would you require judicial nominees to possess philosophical qualifications in addition to appropriate experience and judicial temperament?"

No, I want someone with absolutely no philosophy. Is that the right answer?

The Committee to Restore American Values (or "CRAV," and why not add "Eventually or Now," and get

"CRAVEN" ?) followed up its creche question with:

"Would you place a creche on the White House lawn if ordered to refrain from doing so by the Supreme Court?"

They stopped short of asking would-be presidential candidates whether they'd use troops to defend the model manger.

Of course, the most important questions on the 79-question litmus test were about abortion, and candidates should know how to answer those questions in order to win the primary and lose the general election.

At the end of the questionnaire, the conservative group asked candidates to sign a pledge that their "voting patterns" would reflect the views expressed in the questionnaire about abortion, judicial appointments, the size of the federal government, gaming, gambling, gun control and nativity scenes.

Never mind that a president doesn't vote on such issues, but only vetoes legislation. I don't think the president is even in charge of White House Christmas decorations.

There are some pretty tough questions on the right-wing litmus test. You could fill quite a few sheets of paper trying to give the right answer to this one:

"Please itemize as many federal programs or agencies as possible which you believe are beyond the power of the federal government and which you would work to eliminate?"

Itemize? That's a tip-off.

First, eliminate the agency that brought "itemize" into the language. Then go through the federal section of the phone book with a No. 2 pencil, marking for elimination every federal agency that doesn't have boot camps.

That makes me think better of them. But it's going to count against them with the people who count.

You have to bow in the right direction on issues of abortion, gun control and creches, or your candidacy is dead in New Hampshire and every other primary.

Being a Republican candidate for president is hard. It's a lot harder than being Al Gore, who can just stand there looking upright next to Bill Clinton.

Republican candidates have impeachment managers burning down their party. They've got porno kings trying to catch them in infidelities.

They've got right-wingers with pots of money and squads of fanatical primary voters giving them questionnaires, litmus tests, and probably even little cups to take into the bathroom.

No wonder we're starting to hear the phrase

"compassionate conservatism" coming from slightly left-of-right, referring mainly to the stance of the leading Republican candidate, Gov. George W. Bush of Texas.

Some say "compassionate conservatism" is an oxymoron like "military intelligence." Some say it's trickle-down economics with a tear trickling down its cheek.

I say that compassion begins at home, and we should have some for conservatives like George W. Bush, Elizabeth Dole and John McCain. No liberal will ever be as hard on them as the uncompassionate conservatives.

And they can't make up for not taking that test by doing extra-credit work. &lt;