Dave’s anti-gift list

Santa Claus has left town. You’ve returned the stuff you didn’t want.
As we all know, the perfect gift is hard to come by. Miami humorist Dave Barry put together a list of stuff NOT to put on your gift-giving list. You’ll want to clip this out and save it till next Christmas.
The Maniki Butt Bra for Men is high on the list. You probably have some relative whose rear end sags, but don’t buy this for him. In case you ignore this advice, it’s $40.
For females, an Emergency Bra Face Mask is intended for those times she’s caught needing a face mask unexpectedly, like if a friend starts coughing up close. She whips off the bra and puts it over her face. Do not buy this gift for anyone.
The Pillow Tie comes in handy if you want to take a quick nap. The tie inflates. It’s only $20, but don’t even consider it.
The Bark4Beer Dog Collar Bottle Opener made Dave Barry’s list of bad gifts. You’re probably curious; here are the details: If you have a dog and love beer, just call the dog. He has the beer bottle opener on his collar. It’s up to you to train the dog to open the fridge and bring the bottle. Price, $20, but forget about it and shop on.
Another pet-related gift is the Rear Gear Pet Coverup. Dogs tend to run around naked. This gadget loops over the dog’s tail and promotes modesty. Do not spend the $20 this gift would cost you, even if you are personally offended by canine nakedness.
Last, and maybe least, is the Hand Crank Siren. Hang it over your shoulder if you’re nervous when alone. When you need attention, start cranking and get an ear-piercing sound that can be heard a quarter-mile away. It’s about $100, which means you’ll save a lot of money by not giving this one as a gift.
Thanks to Dave Barry, Christmas 2011 will be seriously upgraded.

Plan ahead

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. An honest little boy found and returned it to her.
Looking inside the purse, she murmured, “Hmmm… that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty singles.”
The boy quickly replied, “That’s right. One other time I found a lady’s purse, but she didn’t have any change for a reward.”

Price shopping

Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling lonely. “What’s wrong with you?” God asked. Adam replied that he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God said He’d make Adam a companion. It would be a woman.
“This pretty lady,” said God, “will gather food for you, cook for you, and, when you discover clothing, she’ll wash it for you. She will agree with every decision you make and she won’t nag. She will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will praise you. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.”
“Wow,” Adam said. “What will a woman like this cost?”
“An arm and a leg,” God replied.
“Well,” said Adam, “what can I get for a rib?