Wednesday, May 17, 2017

How do I Deal with Reminders of My Non-Jewish Past?

I’m a recent convert who
grew up in a devout Catholic family. For many years, I lived in a convent where
I became a teacher and preacher. The more I delved into the Bible, the more I
discovered inconsistencies in the Catholic faith. This eventually led me to
discover the truth of Judaism. I am not hiding my past, but I am weary of
always being reminded of my former life, wherever I go. I know people are well
meaning and just curious. Most have never met someone who used to be a nun in a
catholic convent, and they find my story fascinating. However, I have worked so
hard to detach myself from my background, so it is quite annoying when, for
example, at a Shabbat table someone will ask me, “So tell us Yehudit, what does
Catholicism have to say on such and such topic?” I would much rather discuss
what the Torah has to say without having to constantly refer back to my prior
faith, which I’m trying so hard to forget. It is also a bit embarrassing for me
to be reminded of my Catholic background in front of everyone, when what I
desire most is to fit in, gain acceptance and feel part of the Jewish community
to which I now belong. I don’t want to be rude, but I am beginning to become
more and more resentful to the constant inquiries about my prior connection to
and knowledge of Catholicism. How can I politely make people leave me alone and
stop prying into my prior life?

Yehudit
Baldwin (name changed)

Dear
Yehudit,

First of all,
I want to strengthen you in your desire to detach yourself from your past and
deflect the constant reminders of your Catholic background. The Torah indeed
recognizes the discomfort it may cause converts to be reminded about their
former life. This is included in prohibited speech called Ona’at Devarim,
which means verbal mistreatment. It entails saying things that would pain, make
angry, hurt, frighten, bother or embarrass another person. So, according to the
Torah, you are indeed entitled to be annoyed when people remind you that you
used to be a Catholic teacher! However, are well-meaning questions from the
Jewish community really considered Ona’at Devarim and how are you
supposed to respond when you are faced with these kinds of probing questions?

Rashi
explains that this verse refers to verbal oppression (wounding a person’s
feelings). One
should not annoy his fellow, nor give him advice which is unfitting for him,
but rather in accordance with the plan and the advantage of the adviser. In
case you would say, “Who knows if I had any intention to harm the person?”
Scripture states, “But you shall fear G-d”! He Who knows the thoughts of
people, He knows it!…

There
are thus three forms of ona’ah. Besides dishonesty in business (Vayikra
25:14), there are two forms of verbal oppression (Vayikra 25:17). 1.
Verbally misleading or tricking another and 2. Verbally causing pain or
discomfort to another. Included in this is the commandment of “You shall love
your fellow as yourself,” for if one causes pain to another for no reason, one
is certainly transgressing the Mitzvah of treating every Jew in a loving
manner.

The Talmud’s Examples of אונאת דברים/Ona’at Devarim

Just
as there is a prohibition against exploitation [ona’ah] in buying and
selling, so is there ona’ah in statements, i.e., verbal mistreatment.
One may not say to a seller: For how much are you selling this item, if he does
not wish to purchase it. He thereby upsets the seller when the deal fails to
materialize. One may not say to a Ba’al Teshuva: Remember your former deeds. If
one is the child of converts, one may not say to him: Remember the deeds of
your ancestors, as it states, “You shall not mistreat a convert, neither shall
you oppress him” (Shemot 22:20). If one is a convert and he came to
study Torah, one may not say to him: Does the mouth that ate carcasses,
repugnant creatures, and creeping animals, come to study Torah that was stated
from the mouth of the Almighty? If torments are afflicting a person, if
illnesses are afflicting him, or if he is burying his children, one may not
speak to him in the manner that the friends of Iyov spoke to him: “Is not your
fear of G-d your confidence, and your hope the integrity of your ways?
Remember, I beseech you, whoever perished, being innocent?” (Iyov
4:6–7). Certainly, you sinned, as otherwise you would not have suffered
misfortune (Babylonian Talmud, Baba Metzia 58b). Speaking in this
fashion is prohibited from the Torah, as the Shulchan Aruch repeats the abovementioned examples word
for word (Choshen Mishpat 228, 1-5). Furthermore, Ona'at Devarim
is more severe than Monetary Oppression because a person feels more distressed
when his feelings are hurt; and money earned dishonestly can be returned,
whereas, hurt feelings cannot be undone (Ibid. 1).

Verbal Abuse?

It is still
questionable whether people who remind you of your Catholic background with
their questions are indeed transgressing the prohibition against אונאת דברים/Ona’at
Devarim, since their questions are not outwardly denigrating. They are not
putting you down for having eaten unkosher food or worshipped idols etc. They
may not even know that their questions are causing you discomfort. On the
contrary, perhaps they think that they are showing you respect by requesting
you to enlighten them about matters in which they themselves are ignorant.
However, we must be extra sensitive and careful not to offend a convert in even
the slightest way, as the Torah mentions numerous times that we must be kind to
the convert. Since the convert comes from the outside and naturally wants to
fit in, it can be expected that he or she is more vulnerable and sensitive even
to well-meaning comments. The Shulchan Aruch states, “One needs to be
most careful not to oppress the convert...” (Choshen Mishpat 228, 2).
Likewise, the late Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson of Lubawitz in his
sicha from Mem Hei, seems to indicate that one is not allowed to remind
a convert of his origins at all. Although, it seems that the halacha prohibits
reminding a convert of his origins only when one’s intention is to denigrate
him, the Rebbe writes, whatever it states in regards to the children of
converts applies also to the actual convert, as a child of converts is also
called a convert. He is completely separate from the nations of the world, even
more than other Jews who were never part of the other nations. Thus, it is also
not permitted to remind an actual convert about his background at all (Sichos of Rabbi Scheersohn of Lubawitz,
1980 ש"פ, אחו"ק).

The Holy Lineage of Righteous Converts

A convert who
gave up so much to become part of the Jewish people deserves the greatest
respect. When people make you uncomfortable with questions referring to your
non-Jewish background, try not to take it personally. It is very likely they
have such high regards for converts that they cannot imagine that any comment
about your non-Jewish background could in any way be insulting. They also most
likely are not aware that their questions or comments could be against halacha.
You may gently remind them by responding something like, “I am not comfortable
discussing these matters.” Know that once you have converted, you are no less a
Jew than anyone else. As we prepare ourselves to receive the Torah on Shavuot
we are reminded that every Jew was a convert. Moreover, Shavuot celebrates the birthday of King David who descended from Ruth the
righteous “Jew by Choice.”

Insights into the Jewish Months

Coming up at B'erot Bat Ayin

My Bio

Rebbetzin Chana Bracha Siegelbaum, a native of Denmark, is founder and director of Midreshet B'erot Bat Ayin: Holistic Torah Study for Women on the Land. She holds a Bachelor of Education in Bible and Jewish Philosophy from Michlala Jerusalem College for Women, and a Masters of Art in Jewish History from Touro College. Rebbetzin Chana Bracha creates curricula emphasizing women's spiritual empowerment through traditional Torah values.