Saint Patrick Visits Ossian and Listens to a Poem About Deteriorating Irish-Norse Relations, Retold for Bostonians

So one day Saint Patrick’s sittin’ in his house ovah in Ireland n’ he’s gettin’ fuckin’ bo’ahd outtah his mind with all his prayahs n’ shit so he goes n’ he gets out a bottle’ah Jamesons n’ he prahceeds to staht gettin’ fuckin’ shitfaced instead. So now he’s on this bendah that makes Brad Marchand n’ the rest’ah the Bs post-cup celebration look like a dry fuckin’ kiddie pahty n’ he ends up decidin’ that what he really wants tah do, what he really fuckin’ wants mohr ’en anything else in the whole wide world at this very moment’ah his god-given life, is tah listen tah some mothahfuckin’ ancient Irish poetry. Now he just so happens tah be in luck, ’cause there’s this guy Ossian who actually lives just down the road from him and this Ossian guy’s basically the biggest fuckin’ poet’ah Ireland’ah all time. I mean fuckin’ even Yeats n’ Goethe were inspi’yed by this guy n’ Goethe, yah know, he might not’ah been Irish, but yah get the fuckin’ point, right? I mean all I’m sayin’s it’s not like this Ossian guy’s some fuckin’ losah livin’ in a triple deckah ovah on the nohrth sho’ah tryin’ tah get his shit published online fah fuckin’ free ah somethin’.

So anyway Patrick, he goes n’ he puts on his green hat n’ he takes off fah Ossian’s place n’ then when he shows up he just goes inside n’ back in these days it was customahry fah visitahs tah say some nice things tah their hosts befohr they got down tah business, yah know tah tell ’em shit like how yah like what they done with the place, ah how yah think they got a really nice set drinkin’ glasses ah somethin’, but Patrick’s fuckin’ hammah’d outtah his mind n’ so he’s just kindah like, ”Hey Ossian, I’m drunk. Tell me a fuckin’ stoh’ry.” N’ Ossian, he’s just basically glad that Patty didn’t show up here this time just tah try n’ baptize his pagan ass again, n’ so he’s kindah like, yeah yah know, why the fuck not?

Now thing ’bout Ossian’s that he’s not just a real talented poet n’ histahrian but he’s alsah the son’ah Finn MacCool, n’ Finn MacCool, in case yah don’t know, was a real fuckin’ fightah. I mean they got legends ’bout how much this guy loved tah fuckin’ fight. Like this one time he was so itchin’ fah a fight with some qwee’uh ovah in Scotland that he actually bothah’d tah throw some giant ass rocks intah the watah off the coast’ah Ulster n’ then he just walked right on across ’em just so he could beat the livin’ shit outtah that othah guy. I mean even Dropkick Murphys, they sing loud n’ proud ’bout this guy nowadays ’cause he’s such a fuckin’ legend n’ paht’ah that’s due tah the fact that he was alsah the leadah’ah the Fianna, which if yah can imagine givin’ a bunchah medieval weapons tah a bunch’ah pissed-off, drunk Pats fans right after havin’ tah watch their team blow their lead ovah the Giants in the Supahbowl fah the second time in 4 fuckin’ years, then yah can kindah get an idear’ah what sohrtah people yah dealin’ with when comes tah the Fianna.

So now Ossian’s like, ”Fathah, if yah sit down n’ shut the fuck up, then I’ll tell yah ’bout the time the Fianna almost got their asses handed tah ’em on a silvah fuckin’ plattah.” Only he said it all real fuckin’ poetic-like n’ then he prahceeded tah staht tah tell Patty ’bout this time when Finn had some’ah the Fianna guys ovah tah his place in Leinster fah some drinkin’ only he fahgot tah invite all’ah ’em n’ yah don’t gottah have a fuckin’ phd from MIT tah realize that this is the kind’ah thing that just ain’t gonnah sit well with some Irish alcoholics who—ah all things—alsah just so happen tah fuckin’ fight fah a fuckin’ livin’.

So now these guys ahr all fuckin’ pissed n’ so what they do is they all get tahgethah n’ ahr like, “Yah know what, Finn? Yah can go fuck yahself. We’re gettin’ in our boats n’ we’re goin’ tah fuckin’ Nahway, so fuck you.” N’ so they all sail off fah Nahway n’ then they prahceed tah hang out there fah like a fuckin’ year n’ while they’re there one’ah ‘em, this guy Aille, he stahts bangin’ the King’ah Nahway’s wife. N’ as yah can pretty much figyuh, that poorh bastahd finally blew a fuckin’ fuse soon as he found out n’ so now Aille n’ the queen n’ all the rest’ah the Irish guys, they all gottah get outtah there fastah ‘en a fuckin’ Kenyan runnin’ down Boylston Street. N’ the King’ah Nahway, he’s not ‘bout tah take this shit lyin’ down, so he gets tahgethah all’ah his guys n’ they go aftah ‘em like Bill Russell on a loose fuckin’ ball.

So now Aille n’ the Queen’ah Nahway n’ all the rest the Irish guys show up at Finn’s place n’ ahr like, “Shit Finn, we’re sorry but yah gottah help us out here. We got the entiyah fuckin’ Nahwegian naval fleet aftah us n’ they’re gonnah be lookin’ fah a fight ‘cause yah know, they’re Nahwegians n’ that’s what Nahwegians do.” N’ so Finn fahgives ‘em n’ they fahgive him n’ then tahgethah they all settle down tah wait fah the Nahwegians ‘cause they know they’re comin’ but they don’t know when ‘cause travel by medieval boat’s ‘bout as reliable as the fuckin’ Green Line n’ all yah can do is just stand there n’ wait n’ hope that if yah wait fah fuckin’ long ‘nough a train’ll finally show up even though the first couple might still just go right on past yah without even fuckin’ stoppin’ first.

So eventually the Nahwegians show up n’ they staht pitchin’ their tents outside’ah Finn’s fohrtress n’ so Finn n’ the Nahwegian king staht messagin’ each othah with actual real live people messangahs since they don’t got phones ah social netwohrks back in those days n’ Finn’s tryin’ tah buy the king off with gifts n’ shit but all that guy wants tah do is fuckin’ fight. Now I prolly oughtah clahrify, it’s not like Finn don’t like a good fight himself, ‘cause it’s like I was sayin’, he’s a fuckin’ legend when it comes tah fightin’, but he’s not a fuckin’ dumbass eithah. He knows the numbahs ahrn’t in his favah n’ he knows that the Nahwegians ahr alsah some wicked good fightahs ‘emselves n’ he just doesn’t wannah get his guys killed all on accoun’ah Aille n’ the queen havin’ some stupid fuckin’ affaihr.

But the Nahwegian king won’t fuckin’ back down n’ so now he’s demandin’ someone on the Irish side step up n’ fight him one on one n’ so Aille decides tah take him on which is only appropriate I guess since it’s all kindah his fault anyway. So now these two guys ahr fightin’ n’ swingin’ their swohrds n’ shit at each othah n’ Patty’s fuckin’ grippin’ the edge’ah his seat while Ossian’s recitin’ his poetry ‘bout this here very paht n’ everything’s buildin’ up tah a climax n’ then right when yah least expect it, Aille takes a fuckin’ blow tah the head n’ drops down deadah ‘en DiCaprio in The fuckin’ Depahted n’ befohr yah know it the King’ah Nahway’s goin’ completely fuckin’ buhzehrk which is a very Nahwegian thing tah do n’ he ends up bringin’ down anothah 30 Irish guys befohr anyone even knows what fuckin’ hit ‘em.

Now in the meantime the rest’ah the guys on both sides ahr fightin’ each othah but no one can touch the fuckin’ king n’ he’s still just tearin’ up the home team so finally this Fianna guy named Goll mac Morna, he steps up tah take on this Nahwegian prick n’ tahgethah the two’ah ‘em fight fah fuckin’ like 7 days straight till Goll finally fuckin’ decapitates that bastahd. At that point everyone just kindah gives up fightin’ n’ the rest’ah the Nahwegians all split n’ the Fianna guys ahr glad tah see ‘em go ‘cause both sides almost completely fuckin’ wiped each othah out.

N’ at this point Ossian gets all serious n’ is like, “N’ yah know Fathah, I was there myself n’ I’m real lucky I didn’t get my own ass fuckin’ killed while I was out there ‘cause that was a real terrible fuckin’ day.”

N’ Patty’s just kindah like, “Holy shit.”

N’ then maybe they have some mohr beers tahgethah ah maybe Ossian tells him anothah stoh’ry ah maybe Patty just goes on back home ah somethin’, I don’t really know. I’m not real sure ‘bout that paht.