How to perfect the art of saying No

Conscience-approved

Whether you admit it or not, but most of us are people pleasers. We like to maintain a certain equilibrium in our lives, which means that (a lot of the time) we agree to plans that we don’t want to be a part of. The result? Lesser time for yourself and the meaningful activities that you may want to do. And for those of us who are busy all the time, even lying down in bed staring at the ceiling is a wonderful way to kill a Sunday afternoon, if you learn how to say No to another boring brunch. We got Patti Breitman, co-author of How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty to tell us how to build the habit.

The funny thing is that mostly it’s the women who are always saying Yes. Compromise is built into our systems so deeply that often we sacrifice the time kept for ourselves to please others. Patti explains that women, especially, are conditioned to want to not cause distress in others. We want to keep the peace and be liked. “I’m not sure how this began, but I suspect it had to do with survival. If we had allies and friends, we were more likely to be protected and fed in times of danger or scarcity,” she says.

Perhaps that could be the reason why we find it hard to put our needs and schedules first. And if you’re someone who is very polite, then saying No would almost feel like a mission to Mars. So how do we get into the habit? Patti says that a lifetime of saying Yes, even when we want to say No, can find us automatically agreeing to do things we don’t want to do. Learning to say No is simply a matter of practice and repetition. “Anything we do often, we get good at—this is actually good news, as we can learn to say No with more ease by doing it more frequently.”

That said, saying No is one thing and dealing with the guilt that comes with it is another. Patti advices that we need to learn that our own needs, desires and preferences are as valuable as anyone else’s. “We can learn this by adding time for ourselves in our calendars, so that when we say, ‘No, I’m sorry I can’t. I have plans for that day,’ we are telling the truth. Plans with ourselves count as legitimate plans.”

Of course, we all know when to say No, but often it’s a tug of war between the head and the heart. “Often the heart speaks first and then the head is sorry!” She says that the best way to get the thought process into the decision-making process is to buy time. “Never say Yes (or No) in the moment you are asked.” She advises that you must always buy time by saying you need to check with your partner; you need to confirm your other commitments; you need to think about the offer/invitation and get back to the person who is asking.

And the benefits that you will reap by saying No? In terms of the obvious, it would mean that you’d get more time to spend doing whatever that makes you happy. “The less obvious benefit is that we grow in integrity. Our Yes takes on more meaning when it comes less from conditioning and more from genuine willingness.”

Vasudha Rai is a certified yoga teacher and has been writing on beauty, health and wellness for 15 years. Find her at Vbeauty.co