PlanetFargo

Federally Funded Videogaming

The success of the America's Army game has been a real wake-up call. Unless you've been living in a cave, you know that the US army licensed the Unreal engine and got a group of top-tier game developers together to create a free America's Army game to be used as a recruiting tool. Or, as I like to say, as a way that honest hardworking Americans can 0wnzer some campin' bitches for their country.

Why is it a wake up call? Because for the last several years interest in Federal civil-service jobs has been dwindling. While the benefits are good, college graduates are opting for the private sector, where jobs are faster-paced and less bureaucratic. What I'm saying is that the U.S. Government should spend even more money on videogames, using them as recruitment tools for every facet of the civil service. For example:

America's Post Office
I don't know about you, but ever since I was six I wanted to whip around the neighborhood in those funny postal-jeeps with the steering wheel on the wrong side. I imagine a Crazy Taxi knockoff where you gotta deliver the mail. Only the truly skilled online player will ever graduate to the "JC Penny Catalog Day" mission. Oh, and you get to play with guns.

America's Bomb Sniffing Dogs
Simply lower the point of view of any first-person shooter close to the ground and whammo! You're a dog. These unsung canine heros are America's first line of defense against both bombs and abandoned food wrappers. Maybe the government could make a massively multiplayer game where the bomb-sniffing dogs could chase postal workers.

America's Meat Inspectors
Without these heroes, America would succumb to the vices of tainted foreign meat, where hoof-and-mouth disease runs rampant. Inspectors remain important even though US meat is genetically altered to grow in tanks and is squeezed from a tube -- fully cooked -- onto your hamburger bun. By the way, I'd like to point out how difficult it is to do an image search for "Meat Inspector" and find an image that isn't disgusting and/or porn. Thank you.

America's Defense Contract Auditors
Don't scoff -- this is one of the fastest growing positions in the civil service. You'll be keeping those billion-dollar wrenches well within budget. And think of the job security: So long as someone, somewhere on the planet hates Americans, you'll have work. That's a pretty safe bet.

America's Park Rangers
Every year over 6.72 million Americans are mauled by hungry bears -- that's pretty harrowing, and I'm sure that the real statistic is probably pretty scary, too. Regardless, if it weren't for America's Park Rangers to fend off hordes of bears with automatic weapons, they'd swarm over this country devouring anything in their path. This is a game waiting to happen. Four words: "Capture the Picnic Basket."

I'd like to think that in the future our country will be a bigger videogame publisher than Electronic Arts. I mean, come on! What other world government is MAKING FREE VIDEO GAMES? In support of this noble endeavor, I'm offering the ideas above -- not just as a gamer. But as a patriot. Thank you.