Saturday, 3 March 2018

7 things you shouldn't do at 9 months pregnant

I'm stubborn, but I'm also really stupid, combine this with being 9 months pregnant, having a serious case of baby brain and terrible balance and spacial awareness and weeks of maternity leave with not much to do at all and you're pretty much asking for a disaster. I've done some pretty stupid things during this pregnancy, nothing that's harmed the baby (I'm not that stupid) but stupid nonetheless. Here's a collection of some of my most stupid endeavours over the past nine months.

Moving the Nursery furniture - Freddie's room has been rearranged several times which, is pretty impressive considering it's a tiny square shaped room with a large double wardrobe that can't be moved. One day, I decided to move the cot (again) into a space that it didn't properly fit into - this time I realised straight away that it it didn't fit and proceeded to move it back but this was too much for my tired little preggo body and I soon tired myself out and got myself stuck between the cot and the corner of the room and had no energy to move it. Luke was in the living (on his Xbox, obviously) and after calling for him a couple of times my hormonal little heart broke and I crumbled into the corner and sobbed like a toddler until Luke heard my cries and came to the rescue (clearly trying not to laugh at me) I think my despair soon turned to rage and I told him he wasn't allowed to live here anymore and that I could do it on my own...having just got myself stuck and rescued, ok hun.

Going on Pinterest - Pinterest is like crack for the nesting stage do not (totally do) search for storage hacks, cleaning tips and nursery ideas. I have been up since 6 am manically pinning handy kitchen cupboard organisation tips to my Storage Hacks Board and more recently, cleaning routines, yep they're a thing; cute little infographics telling you what to clean on each day to maintain a tidy and organised home - urgh the thought of it is giving me a buzz. The nursery ideas are fab but the realisation that we don't live in a mansion or have approx ninety grand to spend on nursery stuff does get a bit boring so you can always make your searches a little more specific and look at fridge organisation, mmm yeah, that's a good one. You can even try out some of these pins, I got some over the door hanging baskets for our kitchen cupboards and I am living for them.

Painting your toe nails - Firstly, you can't see them so what is the point? Secondly, if you can't see them, what makes you think that you can reach them, huh? I managed to just about paint mine a few weeks back and almost contemplated doing it again but the thought of popping my hip out, and crushing my lungs to reach my swollen little pigs was too much so I resorted to removing the tattered remnants of the previous paint job and was rather smug about the fact that I could still reach them, that was until the cramp, sciatica and breathlessness kicked in and I needed a good hour-long lie down to recover.

Fake tanning - whilst I did make a success of this (all thanks to St Moriz Dry Oil read more here yes this is a shameless post plug) I wouldn't recommend using a mousse product or anything that requires too much physical activity, to keep on top of my glow I've been using those in-shower tans that require minimal effort and are great but oh my lord preggo people, please be careful - those in-show tans can be lethal as f*ck when you have the best balancing skills, slippy oily tan combined with a big bump and a massive mammaries in a wet environment is just begging for an accident. I recommend being sensible and steering clear tbh.

Go into any clothes shops - You get to a point during pregnancy where your cute lil bump just aint so cute anymore, I remember when I was about 10 weeks and I'd put myself out of breath blowing my belly out trying to convince Luke I was 'showing' ha, now you can't bloody miss me. Maternity clothes don't look cute, everything I put on makes me look like I'm robbing Neptune and my big fat swollen moon face doesn't help either. Do you know what really doesn't help, walking through Newlook and seeing all the cute skirts, skinny jeans and playsuits I can't fit into dangled in front of me. I never thought I'd ever long to wear jeans again.

Watch One Born Every Minute - Ok, this one might be a slight lie, I've had loads of people telling me not to watch it, the thing is, when you're preggo people like to tell you what to do and sometimes I like to not do what I'm told because I'm a proper rebel yo and, I wanted to see what the hospital environment looked like and have a nosey at people's different birthing experiences. A lot of people slate One Born and say 'it's nothing like that in real life' but I've found that you get a decent mixture of births as well as women with varying pain thresholds and coping mechanisms that range from demonic possession style screaming to little weeny grunts as they casually pop a baby out, there's no point watching it to see what the pain is like - that is stupid but I've enjoyed and been disgusted at watching the physical process and the midwives and professionals in action - I have found myself crying every single time a baby slides out though, bless me.

Leave the house - a tad dramatic but there was a reason why women went into confinement back in the day and it's because it was just bloody easier than going out. I've visited the Bedford shopping centre toilets more times in the past nine months than I have in the six years that I've lived here. Imagine being a Victorian woman with all those skirts and underskirts and suddenly realising you need to pee, you're better off at home with your bed pan handy. It's also knackering, one lap around Primark and I'm ready to have a nap, not to mention the fact that I can't keep up with anyone and end up waddling behind like an exhausted duck.

There you have it, seven stupid things I've done over the past few months.

So bloody in love with this post! I’ve done ALL of these things (not yet painted my toes, but I was going to because the thought of going into labour with skanky toes was just too much. I mean what a stupid thought! Who the fuck cares! (Literally laughing at myself for that one) I must admit I’ve been fake tanning through out and it’s gone successfully so far my back is getting harder and harder each day, but thanks to the baby daddy it’s a winner!.

I have to say this post made me giggle and smile that someone has done the same things as me and thought “what you doing hun?!”

These photos are AMAZING!! haha I remember begging my BF to paint my nails when I was pregnant. She did, and I was so chuffed. I was pregnant over summer, and I couldn't wear shoes my feet were so fat, I was so miserable. So I can feel your pain right now, you poor thing! Just think of all the cute clothes you will get to wear over summer! :D

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My list of labels currently consist of Mummy, Stroke Survivor and Idiot. If you're looking for brutally honest parenting, pregnancy and infertility and general lifestyle posts seasoned with a sprinkle of whit then you've come to the right place. We're a family of 5 (including the 2 cats) and like to share our life struggles, fails and hacks on here. We're based in Crewe and like to big up local businesses but can also be found in Manchester and around Cheshire. Feel free to get in touch, we respond to emails pretty quickly because we're dead organised like that.

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