A glimpse inside the mind of a wallflower

Concern

I was stopped in the school parking lot today by someone who wanted to express their concern for me in person. This isn’t the first time that someone has seeked me out in the last few days to check on me. It has been a very difficult couple of weeks and I can’t seem to catch a break, but in that regard, I’m having trouble feeling like I deserve a break right now.

I’ve put a lot on Facebook and Twitter about how hard it’s been for me lately. Probably too much. My mind has been a mess for a couple weeks and I’ve done almost nothing to change that; I’ve let it eat at me. I’ve complained about people and pinned shit that I thought would make me feel better, but all I’ve felt is regret. I’d like to be able to tell you all that it’s not as bad as I make it out to be on social media, but the fact is that it’s at least as bad as I make it out to be on social media.

I’ve disappointed a few people and likely lost someone very important to me, and that’s pretty much on me. I can barely handle myself and I dump everything on other people. It’s incredibly selfish to look for people to bring me up, especially when all I do is drag them down. I feel awful about that, and none of you get to say good riddance to those people. They mean the world to me and I fucked it up, and it hurts.

I’d do anything to earn the trust and friendship back, but I understand if it’s gone too far and I have nobody to blame but myself. I appreciate everyone’s concern, though, and I hope to keep working on getting better and finding myself again. I’ve tried to make good with people I know I’ve disappointed and I plan on holding my bad times for therapy and not for everyone’s consumption. I’ll be okay, I’m sure, and I’ll pull out of this funk. I want you all to know that all of your worries aren’t unfounded, nor are they falling on deaf ears. I’ll simplify my life, and I don’t know when it will happen, nor do I care, but some day I’ll be okay. I hope my friends are here when I am.