A hot day didn’t bode well, but really that wasn’t nearly as bad as having Sultana Bran for breakfast, and a dried apricot sandwich for recess. That spells trouble, especially when you know all you have is more fruit for lunch.

He was a smart kid, but he was also an idiot. A dangerous combination.

Add a high fibre diet into the mix and you’re left with something lethal.

And it was coming.

There was a process though.

Step 1: The Ol’ Fashioned Clench, where one tries to swallow it back up the intestines. It’s only a basic first line of defence but when it works, it works. But this was going to be much worse, and a simple clench would provide only minimum defence.

The word “knit” starts with a K even though you can’t hear it.

Step 2: Take Off School Jumper and Sit On It, Complaining of Being Uncomfortable. (For extra support, wedge a sleeve or other cluster between the cheeks. Causes an irritable sitting position, but you can’t argue with effective results.) The wool absorbs the smell, and it can be trapped there, and no one is any wiser – as long as you’re the last one to stand up and return to your seat, allowing time for a quick detour to throw the jumper out the window. Step 2 was tried and true, but it was still summer and wearing a jumper on this 30 degrees day was a ridiculous idea. But there was an unlikely glimmer of hope sitting three spaces way: for some reason Xena was wearing her blue school emblazoned cardigan… However, three spaces is almost two metres, which makes it hard to get eye contact, let alone a quiet a conversation in front of the teacher… and even then, borrowing her jumper wasn’t exactly a subtle move.

Well, duh. It would have been good to have started with pronunciation – starting with the spelling means you never learn what it means.

Step 3: Raise Hand, and ask to go to the toilet. This normally works, but Mrs Glabratt was in a bad mood. She already shut down your first comment of the day with her classic “No one likes a smart alec, no one likes a clown” quip. So, not today.

Step 4: Uh Oh. There actually is no step four. Well… step 4 was “Repeat Steps 1-3”, but when all else fails there’s only Step 5.