Friday, September 17, 2010

Hijacked Again

14 comments:

Hi bev and megan. I knew I could lure you in. I agree with all that you two are saying. This issue of being alone, not by choice, coupled by the way we lived prior to loss, somewhat alone, makes for a very quiet day to day existence. I was not very social before Michael died, and I'm not very social now. I do want to be more social, but it doesn't come naturally. I have met a few guys at yoga, but only for quick conversations before the class begins. Historically I have always made my close friends through work. For this reason I am looking forward to starting the job on Monday.

We all know that others can't possibly feel the pain and loneliness of loss the way that we do unless they too have lost their central relationship. That said, it doesn't make this pill any easier to swallow. I think it helps though to remind ourselves not to expect it too much, and to try to be a bit more understanding. Quite the challenge.

Massively challenging. There is a man I've seen at the dog park a few times; I'm pretty sure he is a recently returned vet. I recognize the - trauma damage, how he stays away from the other people, focused on his dog, the reflex to freeze up and back away when too many dogs get too close all at once. I just have a sense that he doesn't belong in this world either, for reasons vastly different than mine. As far as stretching to be more social - I'm pretty well unpleasable. I want people to reach out to me. When they do, I don't return their phone calls, because I have nothing to say. Rather a "pay attention, but don't expect me to actually do anything" approach. If there is a project to do with someone, I can handle that, but I was that way before. Like a border collie: give me a job, and I will be fine. No job, stand around and small talk about nothing - um. No. And what I've got for small talk these days, not really a party starter...

First off, while jealous of the chickens eating freshly baked bread, you won't find me mucking around in their coop.

I had to laugh about your question. "Was this the guy that wanted to colorize me?" First I thought, yes, I would love for him to colorize me. He was sweet and handsome, yet very married. Then I thought, no, I already know how to put colors together. Okay, a bit of gay humor.

Yes, he's the guy. He put a new tattoo in some open space by the lotus, which was some magenta cherry blossoms, a black spiral design, and a scroll that has the Kanji symbols for Acceptance of Fate. I love it. And he was right about adding the color to my arm. The kanji is done in red, and the whole thing really looks great. Now the lotus appears lifeless. I meet with him again in a week to finish up the arm. He doesn't know what color to use on the lotus. Being that it is already shaded grey, he wants to be sure what ever color he uses really brings life to the lotus without muddying it up.

I really like his work, and I know that I will be returning to him many times.

By the way I did get calls from Michael's nephew and brother this week. It was very sweet of them to call. Both of them continuously thank me for the way I took care of Michael. I tell them that I simply loved him. They both know that it took more than love, which is nice to have acknowledged.

Ha. Glad I made you laugh, albeit without intent, at least in that question. The man at the dog park has a very elaborate tattoo started on one of his legs, with only the outline, and red, completed. It is very intense imagery, and I wanted to ask. But then, I recognize the protective barrier, and didn't want to tromp on it.

Matt and I had been discussing tattoos, and he'd said if he were going to mark a committment, he would get a metal band welded around his wrist. Being a builder, he would always have to be mindful of it; it could never become "background." Now, a metal band welded to my wrist is bound to cause some crazy arm-related injury, to me or to someone else, so that is not happening. But a tattoo - I think that's likely.

Megan & Dan - Whew, I didn't see this thread at first and almost posted to the other one! (-:

Megan - Keep an open mind about where your path could take you next. Maybe you could find some kind of paying work doing food preparation at some kind of wilderness education center, wilderness retreat, or some such thing. Just tossing that out there, because I have occasionally seen jobs advertised for such. You may not be ready for such a thing now, but if you just keep looking around, something might come to you. In the months after Don died, I kept thinking about how I didn't know what to do. My brother and also a good friend kept saying not to worry - that something would come to me in time. My first major decison was selling the farm. The next was buying this place to fix up. The next may be starting up some kind of business - what kind remains unknown - but I just try to keep my mind open, like a radio waiting to pick up some new and interesting channel I've never heard before.

Dan - I agree - most of my friends have been made through my work. Actually, many of my friends were made when Don and I showed dairy goats and those are friends I still have even though we have not kept goats in many years. Most of my friends sold off their goats years ago too, but it is our history together that counts. Those are the only friends who have really been there for me other than a couple of my friends made over the net years ago, and my biologist friends. Fortunately, it is the biologist-naturalist people who are now the easiest for me to make friends with. Because I've had such a keen interest for so many years, I can sort of slide in anywhere if I can find a field biologist or two in any community. That has happened down in Arizona, and it will probably happen here in Nova Scotia once I slow down with the work on the house.

But truly, I always was a loner, so it is not so easy to make new friends. I find it to be hard work as I'm really quite a shy person. I have to force myself to get out there and make friends. I was just reading a newspaper article on some study about friends and lovers. When you become involved with someone you really love, they figure you lose at least 2 or 3 good friends as you don't have time for them anymore. The same article mentioned something about people who have very close relationships with their loved one, tend to exclude other friendships. That definitely happened with Don and I. We were both loners and so very close and involved in every aspect of each other's lives.. even worked together at the same place for long stretches of time - just the two of us in one small department - that this loss has been sort of nuts as far as how much of my life was basically extinguished with Don's death. This will take a lot of effort to put back together. Sometimes I wonder if I can do it. Luckily, I seem to be independent enough that I can survive, but it would be nice for my life to be something more than survival. Anyhow, I'm working on it. (-:

more than survival would be nice. I've always been a loner, too, as was matt. I tend to have a few close friends, and then a lot of necessary time alone. "this will take a lot of effort to put back together" - that helped tonight, as I am feeling quite low, and as I said, loser-ish. Yucko.

can't talk much today...yucko indeed. Just here to say: Dan, pictures please!I got a very simple, meaningful only to me tattoo on the 1 year anniversary. Cherish it and feel it was exactly the right thing to do. Two months later (exactly - and this one's hitting me hard), I'm already thinking about adding to it somehow.

Carolyn and I have not jumped to Facebook as well. I got my Tree of Life a couple of weeks after Michael died. I wanted to complete my half-sleeve to mark the one year. Then I should start saving some skin for future life events.

SHADES OF BLUE

Lotus

The Lotus Flower grows in the deep mud, far away from the sun. But, sooner or later, the Lotus reaches the light becoming the most beautiful flower ever.

The Lotus flower is regarded in many different cultures –specially in eastern religions — as a symbol of purity, enlightenment, self-regeneration and rebirth. Its characteristics are a perfect analogy for the human condition: even when its roots are in the dirtiest waters, the Lotus produces the most beautiful flower.