Sometimes I get so busy or so involved with my son that I have to remind myself to actually take a breath. I will need to stop what I am doing and take a conscious breath. Do others actually need to do this as well? I’m not talking about a mindfulness or meditation deep breath, but a literal simple breath. It’s as if I have been holding my breath through the tasks and now need to breathe.

It has been happening more frequently. Since it is near the end of the school year, there is a lot on my mind, lots of schedules to coordinate. Add to that our upcoming vacation, my upcoming surgery and my mom’s chronic pain, I think my thinking makes me forget to breathe! It sounds so silly but by the time I take that breath, I really need it.

How many other things am I forgetting to do if I cannot remember to breathe?

Today I woke in much better spirits. I had steady stream of tasks this morning during work. That made the day move faster. Secondly, I had an appointment with my psychiatrist. I told her I had difficulty during the previous weekend as well as yesterday. Weekends are always difficult for me. I do better on the Monday – Friday schedule of life. Due to my depressive waves and anxiety, she increased my Lexapro and is adding Wellbutrin. She is hoping Wellbutrin will also help with my constant fatigue. Fingers crossed.

Previously I have written about how I was diagnosed with Double Crush Syndrome from the orthopedic surgeon who performed my ulnar nerve transposition surgery. For those not aware, it means my nerves are compressed in more than one place. I had severe compression on my left elbow but also have spinal cord compression which will be remedied (hopefully) with my ACDF surgery in July. One of the key components is the inability to tell from which compression the pain (or numbness/tingling/weakness/other issues) is stemming from in the body.

Today, I have been having a lot of pain in my left arm. I am thinking it is from my surgery. The surgeon said it takes about a year to heal from the surgery. I am 8/9 months post-op. The nerves regenerate and fire off signals. I am not sure if I have been leaning on the place my nerve was moved to in my sleeping and/or waking/working hours. All I know is this pain today is really annoying. I tried some Aleve but it’s not alleviating that pain or the headache I have had today. Unfortunately, with upcoming surgery and vacation, I have no additional time I can take off to rest. For these type of issues, sedentary work may actually be the most painful!

I feel cruddy and totally anti-social. I wish I could remain “hidden” all day. But, alas, my son’s school has an art show I assured him I would attend. Maybe it will lift my spirits. He always has a tendency to make me feel happy/silly, even if just for a fleeting moment. In the between time of work and art show, I am hoping to rest in bed by myself for a bit. I am sure co-sleeping may be another culprit in my painful day(s)!

Anyhow, as you can plainly see, today is also a major complaining day. Hopefully, tomorrow I will be in a less whiny place. And, perhaps, pigs will fly!

I have a little down time before we head to Roger’s afternoon activities. I had to sign onto my laptop to pay a bill and figure I should blog. I get reminders from Facebook that my Spinning Wheels page has not had a post in quite some time. However, what is there to write about when everything seems to be at the same place it was the last time you wrote?

I am still trying to get everything in order for our trip to Denver and my surgery. I am still trying to not fall down the depression/anxiety hole by meeting with my psychiatrist every couple of weeks. I am still trying to make it through work and life everyday and be somewhat positive. I am still letting little things interfere with my mood and perseverate about them. I am still watching documentaries on Netflix (after finishing Love). I am still functioning better during the week since life has less routine on the weekends. That makes me concerned with summer that begins in 3 short weeks!

Every day, lately, has felt like “hump” day. Every day I start with my usual tasks and by about 9:30 am usually exhausted and ready for the end of the day. Today, at Texas’ version of the DMV, I was waiting at the window not a particularly long time and just felt my overwhelming exhaustion. I felt like placing my head on the ledge and closing my eyes. Multiple times, lately, I have had to put my head down on my desk for a few minutes to make it through each work day. I am even putting my head down on the kitchen table, sometimes the kitchen counter, sometimes on the crossed arms on my lap.

Besides the exhaustion, I have been much more aware of my arm and leg pain. It’s become a nuisance. It’s not interfering much with my daily routine, but just a reminder. I told Rob that over the next ten weeks I was going to cut back on chores/tasks that seem to increase pain. I want to be well enough for vacation and to enjoy my pre-op summer time with Rob and Roger.

I am still very low energy and short on patience. However, I figured I should write a short post now that I am done with the day’s work and Rob is out with Roger.

Recently, I pulled out a puzzle Roger won and decided to build it by myself, since no one else was interested. What I did not expect is that Rob would be sucked in to the puzzle building as well. We are currently on our third puzzle. Rob calls it a time suck, but I find it enjoyable (albeit sometimes frustrating!).

My next new “hobby” is a bit macabre. While watching the show, “It Was Him” on the Paramount Network, I realized how much I enjoy true crime shows, movies, and documentaries. I always watch Law and Order: SVU but always find documentaries more fascinating. On Audible I downloaded and listened to Inside the Mind of BTK. It was interesting but the narrator was horrible and horribly mispronounced so many common words and names. I just started listening to Killer Clown (about John Wayne Gacy). So far I can tell you the narrator is much more knowledgeable about speaking correctly and has a “detective-like” voice. I am liking this one much more. I have also downloaded fiction crime stories as well.

The past two weeks have been a trying time for me. I went to a new psychiatrist and started a new medicine. It worked well and I had a follow-up appointment two week’s later. Since all was good with my mood (but still having some OCD and anxiety) we decided to not increase medication dosage and “wait and see” for two more weeks.

I was in much better spirits, actually enjoying myself, not feeling as angry and not lashing out as easily. My motivation was coming back and I wanted to focus on eating healthier, exercising more, adding in meditation, and doing a really good housecleaning.

Although my exercise was only about 20 minutes a day, that (with the repetitive motions of cleaning), irritated my cervical spine issues. That’s putting it nicely – the cleaning and exercising caused significant pain. I had to sleep with a travel pillow. By Friday, my back was in such bad shape that I could hardly move. To say it put me in an awful mood, again, is putting it nicely. I have been severely depressed since the pain began. Will I be able to function normally post-surgery? Dusting the house exacerbates my issues, I recall from an earlier cleaning attempt. Taking a scenic walk in our area caused my upper back to be in such severe pain, I had to take my muscle relaxers along with the icing and heating.

This weekend I have been in bad spirits. I feel like I’m back in that place I was prior to seeing the psychiatrist. I just want to be in bed. I feel anti-social, unhappy, in pain, exhausted, easily irritated and overly anxious.

Will I survive a summer vacation to Colorado? Roger is way too excited to cancel it. Am I putting off surgery too long? Will I be able to handle Roger’s birthday party post-surgery? Will I gain another 30 pounds being unable to do simple tasks around the house? I keep going on and on and getting lost in my own thoughts. I am hoping typing this out will get these thoughts “out there” and I will stop perseverating.