when life gives you lemons…

Never have I ever…

There it is. I have never had a date with a boy before, never. And yeah, for a nearly 20 year old girl like me that’s pretty strange, at least when it comes to what most of the people in my surroundings think.

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To be honest, I’ve stopped thinking that it’s weird, but I went through some tough times because I thought that it was strange. That I was strange. And that it was all my fault. I thought that I wasn’t pretty enough or not cool enough or whatever damn thing you need to be in order to get a boy to like you. And I can tell you, it’s really not a nice feeling to always think that you’re not good enough for anyone. It makes you question yourself all the time. It makes you think that whatever you’re wearing or the way you have your hair or the amount of makeup you use is just wrong. In that moment, everything about yourself is just plainly wrong and all you wish for is to be like all the other girls who either have dates or already a boyfriend.

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I’ve never felt more like an outsider than in those years in which the feeling or, to be honest, the strong urge to finally get a boy to like me destroyed me completely. I was sad all the time, cried because I felt alone and unloved and I hated nothing more than the pitiful looks I got from my friends and classmates and the same damn question “Laura, when are you finally going to have a boyfriend?”. I DON’T KNOW?! Oh and let’s not forget the even more stupid answer to that “You need to go out more”. NO I DON’T!?

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When I look back at those times, I just realize how stupid I was. I really believed them and thought that going out, drinking alcohol, looking 5 years older, wearing short skirts that could be taken as a longer shirt, putting on faaaaar too much makeup and that wearing a bra that felt like a freaking corset that’s way too tight and small would help me get a boyfriend. I’m just happy that I only stuck to the makeup and bra part, because I hated all the other things too much to try them, not even for a guy.

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And today, about 5 years later, I’m still date- and boyfriendless and I’m still alive, who would have thought that? Not me, for sure, because the most accurate thing a girl, who just wants to be like all the other girls and have a boyfriend, can think, is, that she will surely die without a boy in her life. God, what was I thinking? Seriously.

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If I could talk to younger me now, I would tell myself that everything’s going to be fine, just fine, even without a immature boy in her life. And NO, it’s not her fault, it never was. Because if a boy really likes her and wants to be with her, he will like every part about her, no matter if she likes to go out and party or would chose to watch a good movie over that any time. And if he isn’t able to or doesn’t want to do that, then he can go and “you-know-what” himself and go and find another girl to lower herself for him, because this girl here won’t do that for sure. Oh, and of course he doesn’t deserve her, not one single bit.

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So yeah, here I am, without an upcoming date or a huge crush on a boy who basically owns my head. And I can say that I’m truly happy about that. I’m pretty much on the edge of becoming an adult right now, just got into the second semester in college and my life is changing so fast and chances are upcoming every second I blink and I just wouldn’t be able to have a relationship right now. Of course, sometimes I’m lonely. Sometimes I dream about being in a cute relationship with my soulmate. But as the romantic I am, I know that there’s someone out there for me, who’s just waiting to complete me. And until we find each other, I’m more than damn happy to live this amazing life, which just keeps getting better and better and making me happier and thankfuller every day that I can’t even describe it anymore.

Thanks for reading. x

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Ps: If any of you are in the same “position” as me, feel free to talk to me. I’m here. Always. And please just know that there’s nothing wrong about not having a boyfriend yet. You will find THE ONE and you will be happier than ever and you will not be able to cope with all the love. But until then, just try to love yourself and gift the love to those people, who’ve always been in your life and who love you more than anything. They deserve it. Oh, and don’t forget to enjoy life. This is your moment. Make something of it.