Day 654 – insights

I have not so far been to keen on talking about myself and my understanding of myself, or at least that is how I see it. I would save that to mind constructs and personal notes.

It seems to me like I have avoided writing about myself and to interpret myself in words though. And this bothers me. I feel missing to expose myself. Very often when I read other blogs, I go into thinking “they are so skilled and so good at writing about them self” and “they understand them self so well”.

It would be a point of jealousy and envy that boils up inn me from thinking I can’t do the same.

I would go into thinking that I have a so good relationship with myself that I don’t need to write of myself – like I am done with it.

The thing is I interpret myself as emptiness. I am all poured out. Before I had lost of emotional baggage. I had tons of emotional baggage that I needed to sort out. And quite logically, I would think that there is a vacancy where those emotions used to be.

I try to search within to find out what is what, and to seek for what is really left on my inside?

I come to the conclusion that there is very often nothing there. And that is how it is supposed to be – for me to birth life from nothingness. I need to “carry” nothingness, like the stars that shine at night in the sky/universe – I need to carry nothingness – to birth life.

I come to realize that (when I dissolve the issue of envy and jealousy) to see that I am supposed to have nothing inside me. I come to the conclusion that I should not carry anything. Just be me in oneness and equality, in the mind, being and body relationship.

I come to the conclusion that I should stand naked and “clean” of data/past. Delete – forget. So let’s explore that.

I would imagine that there is lots of emptiness inside me like free space from all the data/psychology I have cleared out.

What further seams important is to not forget where one is coming from – because ego knows from where you come and what you have been through. Mind and ego knows my inside and history very well and stand to use it against myself any time – if given the chance.

So what I would like is to forget lots of crap from my past. There is lots of stories that I would like to simply forget.

How do I carry memories ? I carry memories like words and energies according to those specific memories. So when I practice my – self forgiveness, I end up removing the energies. And self correction to change myself in relation to the psychology and memory. Sort of like NLP (neuro linguistic programming), only deeper and more efficient.

I carry lots of emptiness and lots of nothingness – and that is good. Like the stars in heaven/sky/universe. Because I have been living, slaving to the energies from the memory from my past. I have been living in fear of no forgetting my bothersome past. But I fail to realize that it is when I give into mind and ego that my past is used against me. I must be disciplined and stand through the test of time. Then I can birth life from nothingness – like a sprout of water to heal. To create a better world. In oneness and equality.