Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Zena's shorts

Today, Zena wore a pair of shorts that I bought her a month ago. They were fine. The shorts were a the rolled down look that kids today like to wear, except they only looked like they were rolled. Today, I noticed that despite the fact that Zena only eats every other day, she has grown. The shorts were a little bootylicious, exasperated by the fact that after repeated washings, the hem doesn't lie flat. If Zena stands perfectly still, she looks perfectly decent, however, one wrong move and the world is getting a look at Dora the Explorer undies.

Making a mental note to designate these shorts as "monkey bars" (shorts worn under skirts), I allow Zena to wear the shorts. We went to my mother's house for dinner, about 15 minutes after we got there, my dad showed up. Zena was in front of my mom's tv doing a little shimmy with her baby cousin to the Wiggles. My dad's kahpootha senses were triggered: A girl dancing in short shorts...ALERT! ALERT!

So, my dad leaned over to me and told me that Zena's butt (which is about the size of an orange) was hanging out of her shorts and I really needed to teach her "our values." Having a flashback, I told my dad that no one was thought she was an object of lust. He just looked at me, reached into his wallet, and handed me 20 bucks with instructions to buy Zena new shorts. Tomorrow. This is how contamination starts, he says. I pocket the money. I think it's easier for my dad to think I couldn't afford to buy a full pair of shorts, so I had to settle for cheaper ones, made out of less material.

Note: kahpootha is any kind of illicit activity...gambling, drinking, whoring, you get the picture. Example: My mom skipped the kahpootha pages when she read The Other Boleyn Girl. (Aside: I don't know what she got out of it, kahpootha was the whole point of the story.)