"What I have inadvertently done is not create space for relationships, but I have created space for “wanting” a relationship. It is the wanting energy that defines my relationship status, the energy that I put out is dangling like a carrot on a stick! I will never get the carrot, because the carrot energy is WANTING energy! "

You think you want a relationship, but the reality is, you don’t. If you were in a place where you wanted one you would have one. Let me explain.

This week I had a Facebook post pop up that I had written in April 2014, it was two months before I met GSM (gorgeous sexy man) and eight months before I started this blog. This is what I said two years ago:

“After being single for such a long time and cringing at the well-meaning hopes that “someday” someone will come into my life, I have come to some conclusions:

I have no time or energy for any more relationships in my life

I am selfish and love how my life is turning out and happy to do it with a smile on my face

I no longer feel pressure from outside influences to be in a coupled state (read The Relationship Lie). It was always other people’s expectations

I’m not remotely interested in a relationship to “fill me” or “complete” me or any variations thereof!

I actually don’t care about having a relationship because I love me, I love my life and my kids come first! It’s not an experience that I’m interested in

Sex is over-rated and unnecessary for my happiness! I am blissfully happy without it

The survival of the planet, and the thriving of it, is not dependent upon my relationship status!

I mean this in a non-depreciating way that doesn’t mean to put me down, because I am fucking awesome just as I am.”

The irony that I met GSM two months later is not lost on me here. The post wasn’t about being closed to options, just as I am not now closed to options, but what I am closed to is energetically being available for a relationship; what we put out we get back. Yesterday, I worked with an amazing man, Ryan Hart who I am working with to help me clear my stuff and he said: “they show up where you are”. That is, we attract people into our lives who are vibrating at the same place we are. We attract people whose energies are like ours. So, I don’t attract a committed relationship, because I am not energetically wanting one. I might say that I want one in my head, or that GSM is the most amazing connection that I’ve ever experienced with anyone, yet, my energy, my “vibe” says otherwise. My vibe says everything that I listed above two years ago, that I don’t really care about a relationship, I don’t want one and that I’m too selfish for one.

Inadvertently (or synchronistically), I’ve got the answers that I have been seeking today from who I was two years ago! I don’t really want a relationship, no matter what I tell myself, because I’ve been showing up as someone who is happy who is being single, independent and autonomous! I even said that I am not prioritising it by not having time or energy for it!All of my time and energy is devoted to my children and my mental and emotional health, spiritual growth and my career. Where in my schedule do I have time to give to another person, when I barely have time to create for friendships with girlfriends, let alone a life partner!?

This then brings me back to my opening sentence: “You think you want a relationship, but the reality is, you don’t. If you were in a place where you wanted one you would have one.” What I have inadvertently done is not create space for relationships, but I have created space for “wanting” a relationship. It is the wanting energy that defines my relationship status, the energy that I put out is dangling like a carrot on a stick! I will never get the carrot, because the carrot energy is WANTING energy! I’m also allowing my energy to be displaced, or as Ryan said, leaking out of myself, rather than holding it in, rather than holding firm to who I am and allowing the flow of life to come to me.

This blog was originally drafted as “What does it take for a man to be ready?” but a man’s readiness or otherwise is really none of my business. My business is my own life, my own journey and holding firm to who I am. When I am in a place of wanting, well, anything; money, relationships, sex, health, jobs, I will never get them, because I am operating in a place of wanting. I always cognitively knew this, I remember reading about it in authors like Byron Katie and Esther and Jerry Hicks, but after my conversation with Ryan, something shifted deep within me. I saw the truth of what I’ve been doing and that is, filling my life up with wanting and thereby creating more wanting!

Why? I hear you ask! What does being in this place of wanting do? It is an act of self-preservation and reaffirmation of a core belief. For me my core belief is one of rejection. The rejection story twists and winds its way through my life like an underground river. It defines my actions and behaviours in such an unconscious way that I wouldn’t or couldn’t even acknowledge it in my career, health, friendships and relationships with family, friends, children and lovers. It is so ingrained in who I am that my first reaction is to be rejected and FEEL rejection, even when I’m not. My first reaction is to run away, move or quit a job BEFORE I feel the rejection, yet by running, quitting or moving I re-affirm the rejection story.

I now feel empowered by this knowledge and the next step is to embrace and love this behaviour in a way that I’m conscious when it is triggered and I fall back into old habits. But that’s for another blog.