Monday, May 19, 2014

Resiliency

I'm over at From the Write Angle today talking about resiliency - something we need in this journey to publication. I hope you'll pop over and contribute to the discussion!

Some of the kids I meet don't know how to be resilient. They give up easily, don't know how to stick with a problem if their first attempt at a solution doesn't work. I don't believe humans are born that way. Look at how joyfully a child fails when learning to walk or talk. I think resiliency is a natural trait but sometimes we UN-learn it. There are as many contributing factors to this as there are people. A few I've seen are:

helicopter parents. Kids need to learn to solve their own problems. If mom or dad is always doing it they're always going to wait for someone to fix things.

absent parents. Not necessarily physically absent, but emotionally. And yes, this contradicts the first point, but it's true. We all need support and kids are no exception. Parents need to find that middle ground.

too much passive activity for developing brains. TV, video games, computers, tablets etc. Few of these involve the brain on a truly active level. While there is some decision making in games, it's limited (although I do like the fact that some games require the user to persevere/think creatively and try again and again to achieve the next level!). Keeping that young mind active and mobile is vital. You need practice to become a creative problem solver.

too little physical activity. What better way to learn resiliency than to play on a losing team? Or to be the last one picked in your favourite game? Or to be the smallest one at the playground? Learning to lose with grace and to come back and face the next game is incredibly powerful.

Failure isn't permanent. Often it's not even a negative - it's just a step on the latest learning curve. Learning to fail yet come back excited to try again is vital.

I think as a group, writers are some of the most resilient people I know. So much to learn, so many ways to be rejected, so many steps to take. And for the most part, we do it willingly and with a smile. Gotta love it!

Said perfectly, Jemi. I find, even though I've raised my kids to work hard and see good in a situation that doesn't seem apparent, they tend to toss their hands up when times get tough. I'm not picking on this generation, because lack of resilience has been present in all generations. It just seems to be more prevalent in today's world. Resilience is learned through experiences, wisdom gained from disappointments and/or failures. Who wants to go through that stuff? No one. But we're all better for it on the other side.

When my son was in 7th grade he ran for president -- and lost. Parents looked at me funny when I said I was kind of glad. He found out it wasn't the end of the world. He saw that people didn't treat him like a loser just because he didn't win the election. It was a fantastic learning experience. This year he ran for LVP -- and won. He'll be a sophomore in HS in the fall. Losing an election two years ago, made this win even sweeter. Resiliency only comes from struggle. So yeah, I'm happy when things aren't always easy, for me OR my kids :)

Those all count for my parents, except number one. But I grew to be resiliant exactly for that reason because they were absent, passive and not active in any way. I just had to fight for myself in all possible situations ever since I was the smallest baby

From a teacher's point of view, I have to agree!Too much passive activity - kids do not THINK enough! They are too busy living their instant gratification lives... absorbing info at the click of a button... Too little physical activity? Tell me about it. *sighs*

Indeed, absent parents can be also that of the emotional kind. I know this sadly to be true as my ex wife is emotionally and physically distant from my son.

I have tried to instil in him resilience and to find strength from such sad adversity.

I would say that the challenges of being a single parent have given me choices. I could choose to moan and say life's unfair. Yet, I choose to continue to resilient from the lessons that adversity has taught me.

Oh boy do I agree with you! I love computer games myself (they didn't exist when I was a kid) but kids should NOT be spending so much time in front of a screen. I worry that this generation of kids won't have the ability to think critically because they don't have the patience, not to mention that it isn't even taught in school anymore but don't get me started on that!

I used to be devastated when I got a rejection letter/email. Now I just shrug it off and move on.

I think resiliency was lost when we started putting too much emphasis on protecting little Johnny's self-esteem. When everyone's a winner (trophies for everyone!) and no one is allowed to lose, how do kids learn to overcome disappointment or (gasp!) failure.

You made many interesting points! Being resilient is so important and I learned to be resilient through my failures and the challenges I have had to face. Solving problems and working to overcome them helped me build my confidence.

I hope we can instill in kids that they can do it and that not succeeding is not only okay, but it will help them because they will work harder and feel better when they do succeed. :)

wonderful post! It's funny how I can easily accept my failures and continue to move forward, but when it comes to my daughter I always want to fix everything. You are right. I'm not giving her the chance to earn success. I will do better.

It's true, it's hard to be resilient if your parents don't give you the right tools as you grow up...I guess I've learned - and am always learning - to be resilient in writing because there's always so much to keep learning!