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It’s day 76. I’m leaving another successful gathering with great food and amazing friends. I’m honored. I get in my car and turn it on to the sound of “Drops in the Ocean” by Hawk Nelson. My soul smiles and I begin to sing along.

As I drive, I’m reflecting on my weekend and the conversations I had with various people who crossed my path. People I haven’t seen in a while, people I am not close with, but also family and close friends. Yet, I connected with them all on some deep level about life and relationships (both friendly and intimate). Thank you. I can appreciate every moment of time I spent with each person because it contributed to my epiphany.

While the music of WGTS 91.9 feeds my soul, I begin to experience an overwhelming feeling of happiness and inner peace. I realized that I am truly at peace with myself – finally! I’m at peace with not only where I am in life, but whoI am. For the first time, I feel like I am where I’m supposed to be, doing what I’m supposed to be doing, and going where He wants me to go. My purpose? Maybe. I certainly don’t have it all together and I never will, but I know I’m on the right path.

“For the Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.” – Luke 19:10

I’m home. In more ways than one, I’m home. I’m in my parking spot looking at my little home and I love it. Not everyone can say that they had that moment of clarity (for lack of a better word). People seem to look for their reason for being; at least I did. Now, I can smile because I love me and where I am. I can smile because it’s actually true. I’m blessed and I’m determined to do something big with the seed that’s been planted within me.

Inside, my puppy Bishop waits with extra excitement. It’s as if he knows I’m extra happy…ooooor, he has to pee. 😉

As my birthday was approaching my kids were either, (a) very secretive about what they wanted to do or give me; or (b) flat out telling me what they are making me (my youngest can’t keep a secret to save her life). As they are getting older they want to buy me things and, while I absolutely appreciate that they want to do that for me, I would rather they didn’t spend their money on me.

This is all my Papa’s fault. 😉

Growing up, I remember that my dad never wanted any gifts; not for Christmas, not his birthday and not for Father’s Day. The way I saw it, I had a job and I wanted to get him a gift. To me, it was almost showing appreciation for him being the best dad he could be. A couple of times I even asked him what he wanted and he said “I don’t want anything.” I’d still get him something but, being the man of few words that he is, it’s not like he got excited about it. It was almost anticlimactic to watch him open the gift. I got over it.

Eventually, as I matured into a “real” adult, my siblings and I would have parties and get everyone together whether it was for a special occasion or “just because” and he really enjoyed those. If someone was missing, he’d ask where they were. We realized that it truly made him happy to simply have us together; to BE together and enjoy our TIME together. Today, that’s how I feel.

My oldest wants to take me to dinner and it will be very nice to spend more time with her, but a part of me doesn’t want to have a fancy dinner; I’d rather she didn’t spend her money that way. We can have a nice dinner and enjoy each other’s company without the expensive bill at the end of the night. I don’t want to crush her plans so I’ll make a light suggestion that we go somewhere else and see if she takes the bait. I will appreciate whatever it is (like the manicure and PAINFUL eyebrow threading that I endured already as part of her gift to me). Ultimately, my hope is that I instill the same appreciation for time that my dad did for me and my siblings. We don’t “stress” about gifts like we used to because the most important part is that we all take the time out to spend together. God blessed me with a wonderful family that I love to spend time with. I can’t ask for anything more for my birthday.

It’s February 5, 2016 already, and for a lot of people who make resolutions, they’re starting to fall apart, if not all but forgotten by now. I, too, had a list of resolutions for the year. I’ve started most of my resolutions: gain weight, spend more, keep a messy room, stop working out…you know, the usual. I managed to add a few serious ones in there, too.

One in particular – learn sign language.

It’s not the first time but, over the busy holiday shopping season, there were more than a couple of situations where I wish I had known sign language so that I could help someone who was struggling with a store employee. I can’t even begin to attempt to be helpful in that particular situation and that’s frustrating for me; imagine how they feel. 😦

So, I shared this particular “resolution” with my kids and my youngest princess was super excited. So much so that she decided she wanted to do it, too. Like most things, it was exciting at first; the thought was exciting. Then came the part where I try and figure out where to begin. There are so many resources online and, as we all know, everything on the internet can‘t be trusted so I really had to do some research. Then life happened and the momentum was gone.

2 weeks later my princess had her dad send me a video. The video was of her saying “good night” to me in sign language. I absolutely loved it and it sparked a new excitement in me. A few days later, she was at my house again. I came home from work and when I walked in the door she didn’t speak like she normally would, she signed “Hi Mom. Finally, you are home.” #proudmamamoment It was so sweet. Of course I had to ask her what she said, but still, it was so encouraging to see that she was trying to learn.

It inspired me, but not enough. Not yet.

The next morning she signed that she loved me. That evening we were sitting at the dinner table and she has a piece of paper out with a long list of words on it and she said, “quiz me.” After I was done quizzing her, she signed “thank you.” I asked what that meant. She told me. Then she finally says, “Mommy, who’s resolution is this, anyway?” That’s when I finally put aside my excitement about HER learning it and decided to do what I said I was going to do. How embarrassing for me to have my daughter remind me that it was me who said I wanted to learn so that I could help others.

The rest of that evening was spent learning the alphabet alone – it’s hard to teach this old dog new tricks. 😉 The next morning, she comes into my bedroom, half awake, and says, “Come on Mommy, let’s go over the alphabet again.” She curled up in bed with me and we went over the alphabet, again. When it was time for me to leave, I ask if she knows how to say “have a good day,” but she doesn’t. Lesson number 1. I learn it during the day at work and when I come home I show her. She, in turn, taught me some new phrases and that’s how it’s been all week.

She inspired me to start and keep the momentum going. I am truly blessed to have received the gift of my children. They keep me on my toes. Where would I be without them? 🙂 I’m no ASL pro, but with their inspiration and motivation, what was once a simple new year’s resolution on a piece of paper will become my second (or third if you count broken Spanish) language.

Aside from yesterday, I haven’t posted anything for the public since January. I know that the obvious reason is because I’m in a better place and happy to write in a positive, fun way again. I still wrote during the time that I didn’t post anything; I just didn’t share any of it. Some of the writings weren’t even complete. It’s interesting, after all this time, to go back and read some of the things I started and never finished. I decided to post this one in particular because even I don’t remember how it ended. So I’d like to pretend that this is one of those “pick your ending” stories. I had to laugh at my own disclaimer. 😉

April 6, 2015

Disclaimer: This is not one of my usual upbeat posts. Sorry y’all…

I was recently stepped on by the proverbial elephant in the room. Luckily for me, my pride and self-dignity were only temporarily crushed and replaced with red flushed cheeks that accompany heavy embarrassment.

In this case, the elephant in the room = the fact that I just got married in August and have been separated from my husband for well over 6 months now, if not all 8, and not by my choice. The details aren’t necessary but, needless to say, it has been a roller coaster of emotions.

So what had happened was, I attended a nice, family-friendly function. To my surprise, my “situation” wasn’t much of a secret but I certainly didn’t attend so I could talk about it, either. I should have guessed the gig was up when I didn’t receive the usual questions about where my husband was and how his work was going. I attended because, although I intended on going, recent events led me to change my mind. I really needed to get out of the house though, so I went. I should have gone with my first instinct and stayed home in my cave. It wasn’t bad that the subject finally came up, but it’s the reality of people asking and wanting to talk about it.

I have spent months praying and putting myself in a better place mentally to live and enjoy my daily life. Talking about it doesn’t bring me down so much anymore because, for the most part, I speak about it in a positive way. God has something better for me. My husband deserves to be happy, too, even though it’s not with me.

* * *

That’s it. I have no idea whether I was going to write about what happened, write about how everyone deserves to be happy, or write about the awesome things God has in store for me. It was interesting reading this because i’m not in the same frame of mind as I was then, thank God. These days, I’ll bank on the last ending because God IS awesome and he’s done so much for me already. I am truly blessed! 🙂

I’ll start by asking you to forgive me for my incredibly long hiatus from writing. Sometimes I allow life to get in the way of a good thing. 😉

Here we are in 2015 and everyone has their laundry list of resolutions that include things like “get fit,” “stick to diet,” “take a trip around the world,” and so on. Although getting back into shape with #operationbringsexyback and #risetopurpose are on my list, too, my number one is all about forgiveness. I have prioritized and re-prioritized my resolution list but, the way I see it, not much else can be accomplished to the fullest without fully freeing my soul of the heaviness forgiveness, or lack thereof, has on my heart and happiness.

Easier said than done, you say? Actually, not so much. It’s only as hard as you make it. Even the deepest scars can be healed by forgiveness if you truly want the freedom of happiness.

So this “resolution” goes two ways. Not only do I want to ask for forgiveness, but I need to forgive those who have hurt me. Do I need to speak to them face to face and say, “I forgive you”? That’s not necessary unless I want to truly rekindle that relationship. If it can’t be fixed, I just need to let it go in my heart and forgive them, even if they never asked. It usually doesn’t hurt them, it only hurts me to hold on to it.

When it comes to seeking forgiveness, that’s another story. I need to speak to them one way or another. Depending on the situation, it’s best in person, the phone, a handwritten letter, maybe even an email but PLEASE no texting! 😉 Anyway, they don’t have to forgive me, so I need to be prepared. If I am honest and sincere in my request, that’s the best I can do. They might not forgive me today, tomorrow or ever…or maybe they will. The point is that I have asked for it and I can feel some release once it’s been said. The admitting of wrong, believe it or not, is freeing!

Freedom of the chains that hold us down when we have anger and hatred in our hearts is one of the best feelings in the world. You can do just about anything after that. There are certain people in my life that I think about daily who I miss, who I love, who I once had a [better] connection with that I cannot live without. I want to ask for their forgiveness and I want to forgive them, too. Only then will I be truly happy in my other resolution successes this year.

Forgiveness feeds your soul in the “good diet” kinda way so, eat up and here’s to a year of resolution successes!

I have thought about the scribbles of this post for a little while now. Some days I want to write just to write and get it out; but, there’s no form, no logic, no point, just thoughts and experiences jumbled together. It finally came to me this morning as I was making a congratulatory purchase for myself to celebrate 5 months of sobriety.

[Pause for virtual cheers, hugs and words of continued encouragement.]

In general, I don’t gloat and I don’t like attention…except for a second ago when I waited for your virtual cheers, of course. I am not someone who pats themselves on the back or tells of accomplishments just to be praised, but now I know that there are exceptions.

I have a sober friend who doesn’t count his days, it just isn’t something he feels the need to do but, in telling me that, I began to feel some guilt (maybe?) that I wanted to share my days. Why should I feel guilty?? I want to tell the world! I am proud of myself, dammit! I want the continued motivation and support and maybe even accountability to keep pressing forward, to confirm that I was doing the right thing and to never look back. But, is it annoying to everyone else? I’m not trying to pressure anyone into doing what i’m doing at all but I know it inspires others because they send me messages to tell me so and that makes me happy. Equally, I love seeing others post about their days because I want to hug them and tell them how awesome they are. It doesn’t even matter how many days they’ve been sober because, to me, it’s a step in the right direction.

It isn’t easy. I take my sobriety one day at a time, and sometimes I take it hour by hour, so counting my days pleases me and just because everyone doesn’t count their days doesn’t mean I can’t or shouldn’t. I am 5 months sober and I still know that it’s the best thing I could have ever done for myself [esteem], my kids, my fiance, and my family. In the beginning, there were days where I just knew that looking into the future to today was going to mean failure. I just knew that I would be back to my old ways because I couldn’t see my life any other way. So, TAKE THAT OLD MARITZA! I totally proved her wrong. 😉

Oh, and if you’re wondering, “what congratulatory gift did you get yourself?” Thanks for asking; I stumbled upon a company via a page I follow on Instagram called Party Sober Clothing and I love their mission to “deglamorize drug and alcohol abuse by starting a new trend.” So i’ve ordered my tank top (below) and I can’t wait to get it! 🙂

First, I would like to say that I am sorry for falling off the earth like I did. I have stories left incomplete and unpublished, readers left unentertained by my dramatic antics, and most importantly, my desire to write was left unsatisfied. My bad. These past few months has been quite the clustered mess of “events.” I’ve had a teenager temporarily fall off the straight and narrow path, I’ve got the Man of the House making an honest woman out of me (yes, I am engaged), I’ve hit rock bottom in a less than glamorous way that I didn’t see myself returning from, and more.

But, have no fear! I’m back and ready to rock and roll! It’s time to get this show back on the road, so stay tuned! 🙂