Quitting Time: 20 minutes? Exactly when Bruce had a finger knuckle deep in his nose.

Can we all just agree that MY NAME IS BRUCE doesn’t exist? I don’t want to live in a world where this is the directorial culmination of the genre’s most beloved, bitter thesbian. Nor do I want to acknowledge that the same person who wrote this month old, out in the sun tub of cottage cheese was the same man who wrote the season 3 finale of “BATTLESTAR GALACTICA”. It just can’t be.

Twenty minutes is a harsh cut off considering I’ve sat through 90 minutes of ALIEN APOCALYPSE, but this isn’t how I want to remember the Chin. This isn’t a wry dissection of his career the same way MAKE LOVE THE BRUCE CAMPBELL WAY is. This is lame duck, scrapping the barrel, painful to endure crap.

I’m fairly certain science says that if we all think about it real hard, we can will MY NAME IS BRUCE out of existence. It’s worth a shot.

February 3rd:

In advanced honor cashing-in-on of the Platinum Dunes FRIDAY THE 13TH reboot, new additions of Parts 1-3 have hit on DVD. Sadly the first part is the only one available on Blu-ray in the states, whereas all three are on BRD in the UK. Shrug. Part 3 is also in full 3-D for the first time on disc.

Then of course there are the Straight-to-DVDs fo the week, BLACK SWARM and KILLER MOVIE. I don’t know anything about either, though a lot can be inferred from their covers.

February 10th:

Stepping just outside the genre, but still in the realm of science fiction, we have BLINDNESS. The rather tepid response it got from critics had me in no rush to see BLINDNESS at a theater, but CONSTANT GARDNER and CITY OF GOD director Fernando Meirelles has me interested in the story of a world struck with an outbreak of, well, look at the title.

MY NAME IS BRUCE also got a general consensus of ‘meh’ so I’ve yet to see. Game on now, though. Also available on Blu-ray.

Kicking off the trifecta of red themed titles of the month is RED MIST, once known as FREAKDOG, from Paddy Breathnach. I’m not a fan at all of the wasted potential that was Breathnach’s SHROOMS, but I’ll give RED MIST a shot.

Second up is RED VICTORIA which judging from its cover looks in the vamp fantasy vein, but IMDb lists a plot about a person, “forced to write a horror movie by an undead muse who motivates him by killing his friends and family.” Could be passable.

FRIDAY THE 13TH THE SERIES VOLUME 2 is exactly what that mouthful explains. THE LODGER is a remake of Hitchcock’s THE LODGER, though the filmmakers would rather you think of it as a retelling of the novel THE LODGER. Either way it calls upon Alfred Molina, which gives it slightly more credibility.

Also, A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE hits Blu-ray. Not a horror title by any stretch, but it is David Cronenberg, this site’s favorite director. Already have my pre-order in.

February 17th:

Ugh. FEAST III: THE HAPPY FINISH. FEAST II (review) was an awful, awful, awful movie and I have no reason whatsoever to think that things are going to turn around. They couldn’t even get their lame sex-subtitle right. Is it not a HAPPY ENDING, not a HAPPY FINISH? Never going to see this.

Ah, THE MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN (review). If you haven’t caught this OnDemand yet, today it finally hits DVD and BRD. I’m rather indifferent to the film. By no stretch is it a bad movie, but I wasn’t all that blown away, either. I’ll be giving it a second shot at some point.

QUARANTINE (review) doesn’t need much explanation. If you’ve not seen [REC] and don’t feel like buying a Canadian copy, which is surprisingly not a euphemism for bootleg, I suppose QUARANTINE will do. It’s whatevs.

Last up of the STD titles is ALIEN RAIDERS, which I’ve heard very good things about. Expect a review later in the month.

February 24th:

In advanced honor cashing-in-on the remake of THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT is a new “unrated” copy of Wes Craven’s first film. I’m no lover of the seasoned shocker so I won’t be replacing my older, never watched copy of the film.

If the DVD cover doesn’t give it away, CYCLOPS was a Sci-Fi channel premiere. I caught bits and pieces of it and well, that cover delivers and then some. Unlike most films on The Most Dangerous Night of Television, the eponymous beast actually doesn’t look a Sega Saturn rendering, more like a Playstation 2, and is actually shown quite a lot.

Expect a review of RED SANDS at some point, the newest flick from the guys behind DEAD BIRDS (review). I’m really digging the cover which looks straight out of 1997. I’m game.

So I’m wandering over to Cinematical when I see a post from the only person named Weinberg who matters (nevermind that pussy Harvard Nobel laureate physicst Steven Weinberg) detailing the release plan for a little movie you may have heard of called LET THE RIGHT ONE IN. You know, it’s that Swedish vampire movie more commonly referred to by non-physicsts who have seen it as the coolest fucking horror movie of 2008.

But let’s back track before sadness swept my hopes like The Nothing. A few days ago I was driving around with my lovely fiance Christine talking about movies on the horizon when I mentioned LET THE RIGHT ONE IN, that it is vouched greatness but lamenting it had a limited release, a marketing term that roughly translates to ‘Fat Fucking Chance, Northern Virginia’. I provided some relief, though, as I theorized that if it came anywhere around here, it would probably come to the Landmark E Street theater in DC; an underground (literally) theater that is worth the schlep.

Fast forward to two minutes ago, when I read said post and to my surprise…First day on the list: November 7th, Washington, DC: E Street Cinema.

Awesome! Oh. Wait. I’ll be on travel for work in Cote d’Ivoire, AKA the Ivory Coast, AKA the delightful country about which the US State Department has these messages of encouragement:

Last Week in Horror I realized that the studio horror future is looking grim. No, not talking quality, talking quantity. I haven’t come across a new, full trailer for a theatrical studio picture in weeks now. I’m sure that will change in October as, THE WOLFMAN, FRIDAY THE 13TH, MY BLOODY VALENTINE, and, well, a million other remakes will probably all have their trailers attached to SAW V.

Last Week in Horror was some kind of post-ComicCon orgy of news. Either this was all left over from the con and took a week to rise to the top or PR folk knew their news wasn’t big enough to rock a convention and thus waited a week. Whatever the case, I feel like this post took longer to gather than most.

Xingu Films announced AMERICAN REAPER, which is a sci-fi film whose concept I love. John Carpenter got a non-horror directing gig, which is the best thing for him these days, if you ask me. Which you did. Some GHOSTBUSTERS rumors. Two people who yet to impress me may muck up my beloved Alexandre Aja remake of PIRANHA. Lionsgate is fielding all kinds of heat in the fallout of their guided MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN release debacle.

»Emily in The Pros and Cons of the Zombie Apocalypse
I read this post with glee and I couldn’t agree more. If you were an elite member of a para-military group or a ninja you may survive for a while. But if you are sitting in front of your computer eating cheezy...