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mental health

02/05/2011

My bipolar disorder (type II) was not diagnosed until I was nearly forty due to the fact that I only have hypomanias rather than full manias. I cannot take antidepressants as they will send me into a full mania. Sedatives make me suicidal and many pain killers actually send me into temporary psychosis where I hallucinate. The only medication that I can tolerate is a low dose of Lithium.

According to this article, antidepressants are being prescribed more than ever to people who do not meet the criteria for clinical depression.

They prescribe an antidepressant to EVERY SINGLE PERSON who comes into the nursing home, whether the person shows any sign of needing such or not. The idea is that it will "normalize the patient's sleep schedule." BUT if you look at the side effects, many antidepressants have the potential to CAUSE sleep disruption. There are also certain of these drugs that are contraindicated in the elderly but some doctors prescribe them anyway. The doctors are infamous for prescribing Seroquel, which is definitely contraindicated in the elderly.

12/22/2010

I hate "dieting" and I'm trying to make sure that what I do this time is changes that I can stick to permanently. I rarely get on scales because doing so either triggers me to overeat or starve, neither of which is healthy. If I'm starving myself, I'll only end up bingeing. But I've decided--I, me, not a doctor or a fashion magazine or my mom or anyone else--that I do need to lose some weight. I refuse to use derogatory terms like "blubber butt," "tub of lard," or any of the other things that I may have called myself in the past. NO FAT TALK!!!!

The reasons for deciding to lose weight are primarily cosmetic. I do not have any of the supposed "fat people disorders" such as type II diabetes or hypertension. In fact, I work with the elderly and notice an equal dispersal of such disorders among people of all sizes, which leads me to think that these are primarily age-related disorders rather than size related. The only thing that tends to be a truism is that heavy people tend to have more problems with their knees and ankles from carrying around excess weight while very slender people tend to be prone to osteoporosis and spontaneous fractures as they age. This is because carrying around the extra weight is indeed "weight bearing exercise."

I have no need to be a "skinny minnie" but I am discouraged by the fact that I currently wear a size 2X or 3X. This DOES NOT MAKE ME A BAD PERSON! It does not even make me "ugly." Beauty is completely subjective. I'm not a raving beauty even when at the approrpiate weight. My goal is simply to get below 200 pounds. For me, not for anyone else. I am not going to try to get into a bikini--I don't like being ogled. Besides, the stretch marks on my belly (from a pregnancy with toxemia that caused me to bloat massively and even left stretch marks on my calves) would put the "bikini" idea right out of there no matter what my size.

It's just that I don't like anything controlling my life, and that includes food, which has controlled me my entire life. I want to tame the hungry beast once and for all.

Optimally, I would like get down to 145-150 pounds. (I am five foot five and big-boned.) But anything below 200 is a triumph. I have not been on a scale in months and will not get on one at the moment because I don't want to trigger myself when I'm trying to triumph. My guess would be that I currently weigh around 275. I am going to judge by the way my clothes are fitting. Once I can fit comfortably in an XL (rather than a 2X) I will weigh myself and see where I'm at. Until then, it's just a guesstimate, and that will have to do! Winning is more important than exact numbers.

It's pretty incredible to hear myself say that, considering that I have OCD!

I am making small changes. Instead of eating a sandwich (or two) while working at night, I am replacing my night meals with protein shakes from the natural food store. Slim Fast is nothing but sugar and milk and I'm raging hungry an hour after I consume it. Besides, I'm somewhat lactose intolerant and Slim Fast isn't worth the resulting desire to spend the entire night in the loo. Nor is it worth bothering to take Lactaid for.

Initially I am going to allow myself to consume a shake every 2 hours if need be, and then cut back. My goal is 2 shakes a night.

I do have to say that I'm galled when I see ads with normal weight women bemoaning their need to lose weight. Bitch, you don't need to lose weight, you just need to lose the fat in your head that's keeping you from thinking sensibly!

While I'll be pleased if I can lose weight, I actually have more important goals. One is to finally obtain my nursing certification this spring. The second is to finish my novel, A Princess of Xiumiqa.