“A collection of profound and epic album reviews and musical articles by former astronaut and brain surgeon, Alasdair Kennedy. Reaching levels of poetry that rival Keats and Blake, the following reviews affirm Alasdair to be a prodigy, a genius and a god whose opinion is always objectively right. He is also without a doubt the most modest man in the universe.” - Alasdair Kennedy

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Saturday, 25 June 2016

The Music Festival Toilet Survival Guide

Toilets - most of us are familiar with them. That is until we
go to a music festival. Suddenly, toilets take on a whole new scary and alien
form and the whole act of relieving one’s bowels becomes a disturbing and
traumatic experience.

Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be this way. As somewhat
of a festival veteran, I’d like to guide you through the art of festival
toileteering as learnt the hard way.

So, without further ado let's weigh up your options.

The Portaloo

It looks like a TARDIS, except it’s smaller on the inside.
That blue industrial paper usually used for cleaning windows with is actually
for drying your hands with. And the semen-like liquid coming out of that
dispenser is actually soap. But let’s not get too snobby about it. This mode of
toilet is luxury compared to the rest. It’s got a door, which means a certain
degree of privacy (unless the lock’s broken).

The Open Air Urinal

This metal trough is used for urinating into. Some people
choose to defecate in it because some people are degenerates. Easy access makes up
for a total lack of privacy. The biggest downside to this mode of toilet is
that you need to be a male to use it (unless you’re brave enough to trial out a
she-wee).

PRO TIP: Don't mistake it for a sink like the dude in the video above

The Dreaded Cesspit
of Doom

Also known as a shit-truck or a slurry pit, this evil
contraption consists of a bunch of flimsy cubicles built over the top of a
giant cesspool into which everyone collectively does their business. The
cesspool gradually fills up as the festival progresses, the resulting stench increasing
day by day, eventually transforming into a biological weapon. Cubicles contain no
toilet paper or soap, no toilet seat, on most occasions no ceiling. The lack of
roof leaves them open to the elements. Doors usually consist of saloon-like
flaps that start at chest height and end at the knees. A total lack of comfort
and a total lack of privacy is ensured.

Alternative modes of toilet:

The Improvised Toilet - e.g. a bucket, a bottle, a hat

The Caveman approach - honour the traditions of your ancestors and go in a bush

The Deserter - find
a public toilet outside the festival grounds and do it the civilised way

So, which is your best option?

Now that you're familiar with all the modes of toilets, it's time to establish which mode is the best. What better way than to compare each one's stats in a carefully-calculated chart.

Portaloo

Open-Air Urinal

Dreaded Cesspit of Doom

Improvised Toilet

Caveman Approach

Deserter

Back to pre-school

Lad points

Privacy

8

1

6

3

1

10

10

1

Home comforts

5

2

1

1

0

10

1

1

Accessibility

5

10

5

10

10

-20

10

10

Cleanliness

5

3

-666

1

1

8

0

1

Bloody hell, I feel like I'm writing my dissertation all over again. As you can see, I've given each mode of toilet a score from 1 to 10 - 1 being the lowest quality, 10 being the highest. One can clearly surmise from this study that the Portaloo comes out on top, racking up a total of 23 points. An all-rounder - this mode of toilet has a flush and a door and reasonable level of accessibility and cleanliness.

Meanwhile, the Dreaded Cesspit of Doom should be avoided at all costs, accumulating a score of - 654 points.

Of course, your particular festival may not even have portaloos. Reading festival for instance seems to favour only the Dreaded Cesspit of Doom. In other words, this whole study is actually quite pointless...

Some actual survival tips

Bring your own hand sanitiser
and toilet paper. Even glamping-area-portaloos will run out. Forget these essentials and you're going to have a bad time.

Don't dose up on anti-diarrhoea pills to stop yourself from pooping - this will only mess up your digestive system and give you extra discomfort for the weekend.

Respect your fellow man. No-one except you will think it's funny to leave a turd on the toilet seat. You're not being a lad, you're being a selfish asshole.

Try a festival abroad. Outside the UK, some care seems to actually be put into the maintenance of toilets.

When it comes to the Dreaded Cesspit of Doom, never look down into the abyss below. You're better off being blind.

Toilet Trivia

An estimated 8.2 million meters of toilet paper is thought to have been used at the four biggest UK music festivals in 2012. That equates to 5,000 miles of toilet paper.

In 2005, Reading Festival's flushing toilets were closed down after one festival goer banged a tent peg through one of the main plumbing pipes.

In the same year, 168,750 gallons of human waste were taken off the festival site. That's more than the entire weight of this ship...