PFLAG UK - SUPPORT FOR PARENTS OF GAY AND LESBIAN CHILDREN

Why Did My Child Choose To Be Gay?

Parents quite often
use the phrase "Why did my child choose this way of life?"
It must again be emphasised that a lesbian/gay orientation
is not chosen, it is natural to the person. In view of the
many difficulties with which lesbians and gays have to cope,
and the hostility that they will probably face, even from
those who know and love them, it must surely be abundantly
clear that most people would not go out of their way to
choose a way of life so fraught with possible pressures.
People do not choose to be heterosexual. It is simply part
of them. It is exactly the same for lesbians and gays.

What Did I Do Wrong?

Similarly, parents often ask, "Where
did I go wrong?" This is only an issue if being lesbian or
gay is thought to be a "problem". They have not gone wrong.
There is nothing that they have done, or failed to do that
made their child lesbian/gay.

Is Homosexuality An Illness?

The question is often asked,
"Can this condition be cured?" The answer is that
homosexuality is not an illness. It is a natural state of
affairs for lesbian or gay people. They do not choose to be
thus, anymore than anyone else chooses to be heterosexual.
Sexual orientation, whether homosexual or heterosexual is
not of our making and we are not responsible for the reason
or process of creation.

Is Sexual Orientation A Choice?

It cannot be repeated
often enough that sexual orientation is not chosen, that
instead, it is an emotional pattern present from the
beginning which develops as the child grows. As with all
children, sexual awareness comes as the body develops. At
this point it is very important to make a distinction
between a lesbian or gay experience, which many children
have, and lesbian or gay orientation.

The first is sexual play, a purely physical experiment
without any emotional involvement; the second is a complete
way of relating and involves very deep emotional
experiences.

Early Difference

It is however at this early stage of
sexual awareness that the lesbian or gay child first feels
different, and first feels attracted emotionally and
sexually to the same sex. In the present climate of
hostility, discrimination and prejudice and perhaps in fear
and confusion, a son or daughter will often deny their
sexual orientation, even to themselves.

Stress and Identification

The conflict and lack of
identity, the feeling of isolation and guilt they have been
taught to have, often results in great distress.
Regretfully, current society still focuses on the assumption
that only heterosexuality is the accepted norm, although
progress to equality continues to be made.

As their sexual development speeds up, it becomes clear
that this difference is a sexual one. Fear and loneliness
often overtake these children. They do not necessarily
identify with the lesbian and gay people portrayed on
television, even though this image has improved in recent
years, and attempts are now made by producers and
playwrights to depict more accurate lifestyle characters and
programmes for the quite sizeable lesbian and gay audiences.

Rejection and Ridicule

Gay and lesbian young people fear
rejection by their parents and possibly by anyone else they
might normally turn to for guidance. They fear scorn, or
even aggression, from their friends or classmates, some of
whom may be repeating the sort of "queer" jokes that abound
in school playgrounds and regretfully, amongst some older
people. They fear they might give themselves away with a
look, a glance, or even an untimely remark. They experience
great difficulty in meeting other lesbian/gay people and, in
isolated circumstances, can feel "they are the only
lesbian/gay person in the world" to quote a phrase we have
often encountered. In short, lesbian and gay young people
feel exactly the same sense of shock and fear that parents
encounter when faced with this knowledge of their daughter's
or son's orientation. They face it alone. It is not uncommon
for a young lesbian/gay person to spend three or four years
summoning up enough courage to talk to their parents.

Parents Reaction

For parents totally unprepared for
this development in their child the general reaction is one
of shock, bewilderment and fear. Some blame themselves, some
reject the child, some want to help but do not know how to
cope. Many, in spite of themselves, feel alienated from
their own child. Even where love maintains the bond, this
does not lessen the shock and the confusion parents feel.

Ignorance

If we examine the reasons for these varying
reactions, a fairly consistent pattern emerges.

Parents, in common with the rest of society, have
absorbed all the myths and misunderstandings which exist
about homosexuality. Little information exists for the
parents of a lesbian/gay child. Very rarely, if at all, does
the subject of homosexuality get talked about in the home or
socially other than in a "media sensational" sense, and then
usually in a very biased way based upon limited knowledge or
distorted by the media. The image which you then have, may
be very little different from that which you first learned
in the playground, in an atmosphere of prejudice, fear and
ridicule towards homosexuality. Even parents who consider
themselves to be very understanding on this matter do not
expect it in their own family. Do not feel guilty. These
prejudices, these misunderstandings and misconceptions are
prevalent in our society. They are not ideas that you as
parent, family or friend of a lesbian/gay, decide to have.
As you gain more information and the shock lessens, you will
find, slowly, that they will pass, as you realise how
distorted and prejudiced these images are, and how much
discrimination against homosexuals they are responsible for.

Religious Prejudice and Intolerance

If parents
hold certain religious beliefs, one of the difficulties they
may experience is in reconciling these doctrines with the
lesbian/gay orientation of their daughter or son.

Family Strength

Try to accept the fact that you have had
a shock for which few parents are prepared. Your child,
gradually over a period of years, has had the same shock.
Now put some faith in the strength that family relationships
can have in a time of crisis. Recognise that there is no
"right" or correct way for parents to react in this
situation. As in all family situations, however you would
have reacted until now, your child will need a signal that
you still love him or her, no matter what. Whether this is
done in words or deeds, it is the start of getting things
right.

Emotions Are Alright

Do not smother your emotions with
reason. Some parents will say they have come to terms and
that they accept this is the way their child is, even while
feeling deeply upset inside. Do not deny your emotions. It
is better to tell your child that this was a shock you were
totally unprepared for, that you still love him or her and
nothing has changed that, but you still need time to let the
shock run its course and to get advice. Meanwhile get in
touch with a Parents' organisation with the aim of not only
getting advice and support, but of expressing your feelings.
Parents feel shock, hurt and guilt as much as anyone else.
Expressing these feelings to someone outside the family, who
none the less understands, will greatly reduce the burden
you feel, and lessen the risk of confrontation in the
family.

Some Parents Speak First

Just occasionally, parents will
recognise their child is lesbian/gay before their child has
the courage to approach them. What lesbian/gay children
generally say is that, for them, the easiest way for the
subject to be brought up would be if their mother or father
were to say something like the following: "I've felt for a
while you might be lesbian/gay. If you are, I want you to
know that it makes no difference to the love I feel for you.
I will need to find out more about the subject so that I can
know how best to help you lead a happy life. Whether you are
lesbian/gay or not, I love you, and, if it helps, let's talk
about things."

These thoughts, however phrased, and in some families
they might be better written than spoken, can provide a
bridge to the child who may he anxious to talk, but is
unable to find the words. Even young people who clearly know
they are lesbian/gay can have difficulty in accepting this
side of themselves. Thus, it can be better to gradually and
gently re-state, over a period of time, your love for your
child and the strength of that bond, so creating an
atmosphere in which it is easier for your son or daughter to
talk.