WASHINGTON—A crazed grin spreading across his face as his eyes darted wildly from one paramedic to another, sources said Tuesday that a babbling Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell demanded that the EMTs loading him onto a stretcher outside the Capitol vote ‘Yes’ on the Graham-Cassidy healthcare bill.

ANN ARBOR, MI—Groaning upon spotting the image on his Facebook newsfeed, local man Peter Grant was reluctantly forced to agree with an absolutely moronic political cartoon Tuesday in which the Statue of Liberty was depicted hugging several immigrants.

WASHINGTON—Saying it was the first step in gaining the confidence and stability he would need to reintegrate back into society, residents and staff on Thursday welcomed former White House strategist Sebastian Gorka to New Beginnings, a halfway house for fired Trump administration members.

WASHINGTON—Increasingly optimistic that the callousness they required would be locked down by the September 30 deadline, GOP leaders were confident Wednesday that they will have the cruelty necessary to pass their new healthcare bill.

WASHINGTON—Saying she only had two years left to find a “real career,” White House Communications Director Hope Hicks was reportedly praying Friday that she wouldn’t be in the same shitty job by the time she hit 30.

WASHINGTON—Saying he needed a break from constantly watching over the commander-in-chief to make sure he didn’t get into any trouble, visibly exhausted Chief of Staff John Kelly reportedly sat President Trump down in front of a White House television Friday and put on a ‘Tucker Carlson’ episode in order to get a quick hour to himself.

AUSTIN, TX—Predicting a long, hard road ahead before the discourse was in anything approaching satisfactory condition, Texas governor Greg Abbott warned Thursday that it could be decades before the state was fully ready to talk about climate change.

‘Who Am I? What Am I?’ Asks Shocked Twitter Bot

MOSCOW—Stunned by the realization that it never really knew who or what it was, Twitter bot Eagle_Warrior_1776 was reportedly horrified to discover Wednesday that its entire life was a sham created by Russians to tilt the 2016 presidential election.

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

NEW YORK—Every recounting including more devastation than the last, sources reported Monday that former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani has added more planes and towers with each subsequent retelling of the events of 9/11.

WASHINGTON—Carrying on a longstanding tradition in which Republicans and Democrats come together, disrobe, and engage in a night of unbridled lust, all 535 members of the U.S. Congress reportedly set aside partisan differences Wednesday for their annual erotic masquerade ball.

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Saying it would provide a candid account of her experiences writing an unsuccessful tell-all, sources confirmed Thursday that Hillary Clinton is already working on a follow-up book casting blame for the failures of her previous memoir ‘What Happened.’

WASHINGTON—Cursing under his breath as he dug through the assorted documents and folders, Senior Advisor to the President Jared Kushner was frantically searching a desk drawer Wednesday for bold solutions to today’s most pressing issues.

CANTON, IL—Complaining that their ignorance of their very own beliefs has annoyed him for most of his life, local man Arthur Brody told reporters Wednesday that he was sick of having to explain his family members’ political views to them.

WASHINGTON—Carefully maneuvering to avoid blocking his view of the television, White House aides were reportedly called upon Tuesday to clip the toenails and wash the hair of the bedsore-ridden, incoherently mumbling President Trump as he entered his 155th straight hour of watching cable news.

WASHINGTON—With the announcement by Attorney General Jeff Sessions that the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program would begin winding down in the next six months, President Donald Trump reportedly fulfilled his long-standing campaign promise Tuesday of finally pushing major immigration decisions onto someone else so he can watch TV.

WASHINGTON—A new report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center has found that the country that might completely shut down because the president wants a big wall is somehow considered the best in the world.

WASHINGTON—In an effort to rebrand the struggling party after a poor showing in the 2016 elections and to win over voters ahead of next year’s midterms, the Democratic National Committee on Monday unveiled 324 million new slogans to appeal to each United States resident individually.

WASHINGTON—Saying they wished to pay tribute to the legacies of these distinguished, law-abiding Americans, the Trump administration announced Friday that a long anticipated redesign of the $20 bill would honor Harriet Tubman’s owners.

ST. PAUL, MN—Explaining how the string of personal insults and sharply worded accusations caused him to reevaluate every one of his political leanings, former conservative Vincent Welsh recalled for reporters Friday the belittling tirade from a college student that brought him over to the left.

WASHINGTON—Saying they could “live out here in the wild for months” if they had to, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. reportedly spent Wednesday rounding up supplies of comic books and candy bars as they prepared to hide out that night from special prosecutors in their makeshift White House Rose Garden fort.

"For the past several months, the vice-president has, unbeknownst to this administration, taken on a second job as a host at Denny's," White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said. "We are dealing with the situation internally."

According to Fleischer, since early April, Cheney had been working as a host at the Edsall Road Denny's in Alexandria, VA. Though restaurant patrons often remarked on the resemblance between the host and the vice-president, it was only when President Bush stopped by for a midnight snack with Attorney General John Ashcroft that the man was confirmed to be Cheney.

"At first, I didn't recognize him, because he was ducking his head, covering his mouth, and speaking in a French accent," Bush said. "He seated us and went away very quickly. Whenever he passed our table, he would turn his head and hide his face behind a menu. Finally, he collided with a server right in front of us, sending a whole tray of food flying. Once we helped him to his feet, the jig was up."

Members of the Bush Administration noticed that Cheney's work performance had begun to slip in recent weeks. He was late to several Senate roll calls, looked tired at photo opportunities, and was barely able to stay awake during important National Security Agency briefings.

"I'd been suspicious for quite some time," Energy Secretary Spencer Abraham said. "There was one time when I was in his office to discuss an amendment to an energy bill. The phone rang, and he went white as a sheet. He answered it, said yes or no a few times, and then said something about how he couldn't 'come in' and how now was not a good time, and then hung up. When I asked him about it, he said it was a wrong number."

Suspicions grew on June 12 when a disoriented-looking Cheney arrived at the White House still wearing his Denny's hosting uniform. He proceeded to pour coffee into a potted spider plant and drink from the plant's watering can.

Cheney quickly changes before a cabinet meeting.

"Condoleezza Rice was looking at him funny and asked if he was okay," Secretary of Health and Human Services Tommy Thompson said. "He said yes and then asked if we'd like to sit in smoking or non-smoking. It didn't take a genius to realize he was burning the candle at both ends."

When finally confronted, Cheney broke down and confessed, explaining that he had taken the second job to save up the money to buy his wife a new fur coat for their anniversary.

"What do you say to that?" Bush said. "I was mad as heck, but you can't fault a man for loving his wife. I told him if he needed the money, he should have come to me and we could have worked something out."

This is not the first time a top Bush Administration official has been caught moonlighting, a practice clearly prohibited in section seven of the White House employee handbook. In May 2001, Secretary of Transportation Norman Mineta took a second job as a bartender to earn enough extra money for a 1964 Mustang convertible he'd had his eye on for some time. He quit the bartending job after a noticeable drop-off in the quality of his Cabinet work, most notably with his recommendation that a $9.2 billion tunnel be constructed connecting Los Angeles and San Diego.

Now that Cheney's moonlighting days are over, no one is more relieved than the vice-president himself.

"I'm glad that's all done with," Cheney told reporters. "I couldn't take the running around like crazy anymore. I wasn't sleeping, I was having a hard time concentrating on matters of national security, and I was answering my shoe instead of the phone."

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