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Trump is now officially a loser — in Iowa, at least — while Sanders and Clinton are locked in a "virtual tie"

"I'm here tonight because the people of Iowa have wisely named me the winner and champion of second place," Fallon's Trump says at a press conference. "It's just like children say: 'First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the hairy chest.' Marco Rubio, get that taken care of. You wouldn't want your hair to make you look ridiculous."

"Trump" then lists all the ways two is better than one: R2-D2, the twin contestants on The Bachelor ("Four boobs!") and Toy Story 2 ("Clearly the superior movie"). "I'm proud to be in second," "Trump" added. "For now on, when you think Donald Trump, I want you to think yuge number two. So watch out New Hampshire, because the deuce is loose."