Monday, December 8, 2008

Perspectives and expectations

I know that while I was doing therapy I changed a lot of my perspectives. With that changed a lot of other things like definitions for words like "love." Now, I find myself wondering if those new changes aren't just as big a problem as the old perceptions that I had.

I had really hoped by changing my behavior I would be a good example for my children and they would change theirs. I know I've posted before that at least for my older children that has not been the case. They still carry their old baggage around proudly like it's some kind of badge of honor or something.

Right now, while I'm hurting from this surgery, it would have been really nice to have family who did more than just lip service to caring about one another. I find myself wondering how I could have worked so hard to change only to have no one really notice. As far as they are concerned I am still the same old person...........and yet that person is so long gone I hardly remember what she was like.

It is hurtful that my daughter didn't bother to call to see if I was ok. She did ask about me on Saturday but only because she answered the phone when my husband called. If that hadn't happened she wouldn't have asked at all. I can't help but find myself wondering what I did to deserve this.........even though I know somewhere it really isn't about me.........it still feels like it is.

I can't figure out how I ended up with such a self centered child. Even at my worst, I took much better care of my family than this. All of those commercials about children learning what they live don't seem to fit my life at all. When my children were growing up, I never missed a birthday or a holiday and I was always there when they were sick. I was also there for my mother despite all the ugliness in which I was raised. I treated her with dignity and respect because I thought that's the way parents deserved to be treated. Family has always been really important to me............I walked away from my family to protect my children. Now I don't even seem to have my children. Somehow that's not how I expected this to be. It's really odd how things turned out.............

Note: My mind was really bouncing all over the place when I wrote this post. I know it's a bit disjointed by thought I'd post it anyway. I'm pretty sure somewhere in there it says alot about what's going on with me about now.

10 comments:

None of us ever know how things will turn out with our children, do we, RR? Sure doesn't seem so. I never though I could say this about a child, but sometimes we have to let them go.

Lots of people who can't be bothered to really work on themselves run around saying, "I did my best." It's true in your case, RR. You worked to save yourself and your children. You can be proud. It takes a lot of balls to walk down the road you've traveled.

I am so sorry to hear that you are still hurting after the surgery and that your daughter seems to be hurting you even more. Don't give up on her....some people just require some time to grow up and realize what they have.

Your post made me think of the relationship we have with our birth parents. We never call them mom or dad because, even though they claim "we did the best we could," actions speak louder than words. Their actions, or rather inaction, have left us without family and wanting in every aspect of life.

I'm sorry your children don't realize the work you've put in to making changes to your behavior and being the type of person you deserver to be. Perhaps in time they will come around with less baggage and opened arms.

lynn, you're right that we never know how our kids will turn out. And I actually have done a pretty good job of "letting go" in the sense I let them live their own lives. I think I'm still trying to figure my way through the maze this is my family.

And, BTW, thanks for thinking of me. I must admit you made me chuckle.....

Enola, thanks for the kind thoughts. I know they must take responsibility for themselves, I guess I find myself wondering what I did that they turned out they way they have. Sometimes I forget that I have not been the only influence in their lives.

Frazzled Farm Wife, I hope you are right and my daughter does get it figured out. Sometimes I think it's just not going to happen.

Kahless, yes, perspectives are a tricky thing. It's hard to know if one is appropriate or not sometimes.

MIS, my mother too claimed to have done the best she could.......so I totally understand that phrase can be offputting. My mother used it as an excuse to not have to deal with the damage she had done. She took no responsibility for her behavior or any of her mistakes. Even those words were just another way to protect herself.

I sure hope there will be a day when my oldest children have less baggage. I guess I'm stumped by the fact my daughter would rather use her issues than grow. It just doesn't make sense to me and it sure is a waste.

I wonder if they really haven't noticed the changes in you or if they simply don't want to acknowledge them. Whether that would require them to learn a new way of interacting with you or they simply don't have the capacity to deal with personal growth in their lives right now for whatever reason...I don't know them so I don't know. But part of me wonders if your one daughter isn't trying to force you into old behavior patterns with her antics.

Regardless, you are right that you weren't the only influence on her. And sometimes people go for the easiest route available to them, which would be to blame all their problems on someone else and not take any responsibility for themselves.

This is what has made me who I am today. I share as a ray of hope for those suffering from the devestation of childhood abuse that others may find their way to freedom. Childhood abuse has many forms and if untreated the ramifications can be crippling. But the wounds can heal, even those deep enough to cause Multiple Personality Disorder (currently known as Dissociative Identity Disorder) when exposed to the light of day lose their power and relinquish their hold. This is my story.

About Me

I've owned Arabian Horses for at least 20 years. While we have been breeding them most of that time, due to the current economy we have stopped breeding. Now with my current health concerns my future with horses may be in question too. In the meantime, with my husband and daughter, we currently have a herd of about 25 horses. Most are sired by our herd sire, Scandalous Legacy. The horses we have bred have been worked with from the day they are born and we pride ourselves on raising beautiful horses with kind, sweet, willing dispositions. Arabian horses have been therapy for me without them I would not be here.