Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Monday, February 25, 2008

As most know Scott is looking for a job closer home to avoid this almost 90 minute trek to work up a mountain. He has applied to a few and went to second interviews for a few and then nothing. During his sickness last week a company called him on Thursday asked for an interview on Friday. Even though he was sick he went in. The interview went well and they told him they would call the next week if they wanted a second interview. Well...Saturday...yes SATURDAY around lunch they called and wanted to see him on Tuesday! So, we are praying so hard for this. The salary is what we need, the benefits are amazing....so we feel good but have felt good about a job before so we will see. But any extra prayers would be awesome!((HUGS))

Scott has been so sick, I think it was the flu to begin with but he developed some type of bacterial infection in his lung!?! He was put on a strong antibiotic and was out of work almost all week. Needless to say I hate to see him sick, it breaks my heart! We weren't able to go to the beach of course, last thing we would want is to make anyone else sick. It tore me up not to go but, I know it was best but I hated to miss the birth of baby Jack Henry.

All went well even though I wasn't there *wink*. He was born healthy and happy on the 21st, 8 pounds and 6 ounces. He is soooo pretty - oops excuse me handsome. Burt and Leslie texted me pictures and he looks a lot like Colin but has his own little look to himself as well. Colin is going to be a wonderful big brother, already he is in love with Jack Henry. Leslie said he told Jack Henry to open his eyes so he could see him...aww. And he wanted to feed him his bottle too...I think he will be mommas little helper.

I can't wait to get there to hold him and love on him, both of them. I can imagine Colin checking in on his brother when they both are in daycare, how cute will that be!?! I am sure Burt's chest is all puffed out and is so happy to be the daddy to these two beautiful babies...can't blame him. Even though Burt is a stinker...a big ole stinker...I love him too. Him and Leslie are such great parents already I am sure the addition of this little bundle will make them all the more better. I hope when we become parents we can use them as our example!!

Speaking of us becoming parents...grr. I went to the doctor last week I think it was....time flies. My sugars have increased which confuses me, my home testing seems to show they have decreased. A hgb A1c was done and that looks at your levels over a period of time and it went from a 6.3 to a 6.9. Sooo he put me back on injections twice a day and a different medicine for pain - well, for nerve pain. I hope it works. As far as my glucose levels...I have noticed a big decrease already and the meds make me nauseated so I have lost 3 pounds since last week. My migraines were making a comeback so I went back on Toporol for those - and also my blood pressure. That medicine helps with both so fingers crossed. With all of this...trying to conceive is put on hold for 4 months yet again...sigh.

God, I don't understand why...I don't know how to face my future with dreams of a child not becoming a reality. Scott and I talked about adopting again, and that is something we are really considering. We also for the first time talked about surrogacy. We have someone in mind, someone we feel would do this for us because she loves us that much. But...it is hard to swallow, right now my throat got tight and the thought of it all made me tremble. The cost of it all will be overwhelming as well...for the baby to be of Scott and I - we would have to have egg retrieval, have it fertilized and see if it becomes an embryo. Success and the next step would be IVF - CHACHING$$$!! That is the only way we would go with a surrogate - if the child could be 100% ours. The other thing to consider...say they retrieve 10 eggs...8 become embryos and 2 are implanted during IVF...what about the other 6? Those are babies too...ugh. So much to think about.

I just feel stuck, but I know that my God is bigger than all of this. I know that without valleys there would be no mountains...without rain there would be no flowers or rainbows. But when it is raining - flowers and rainbows are the furthest from my mind. So in this storm I need to be reminded of rainbows and the birth of a best friends baby is certainly a reminder. The warm touch of the love of my life...rainbows. The answered prayer surely brings the fragrance of flowers.

I got this soundtrack in the mail today...can't wait to sing it.

You are Good by Point of GraceWhen the sun starts to rise and I open my eyesYou are good, so goodIn the heat of the day with each stone that I layYou are good, so good

With every breath I take inI'll tell You I'm grateful againWhen the moon rises high before each kiss goodnightYou are good

When the road starts to turn around each bend I've learnedYou are good, so goodAnd when somebody's hand holds me up, helps me standYou are so good

With every breath I take inI'll tell You I'm grateful again'Cause it's more than enough just to know I am lovedAnd you are goodSo how can I thank YouAnd what can I bringWhat can a poor man lay at the feet of a kingSo I'll sing you a love songIt's all that I haveTo tell You I'm gratefulFor holding my life in Your hands

When it's dark and it's cold and I can't feel my soulYou are still goodWhen the world has gone gray and the rain's here to stayYou are still good

With every breath I take inI'll tell you I'm grateful againAnd the storm may swell even then it is well

You are goodSo how can I thank YouAnd what can I bringWhat can a poor man lay at the feet of a kingSo I'll sing you a love songIt's all that I haveTo tell You I'm gratefulFor holding my life in Your hands

and last thing...this video is worth watching and will bring many tears.

You may be fighting a battle of fearYou cry to the Lord"I need you"But he's not appeared

Friend don't be discouraged'Cause he's still the sameHe'll soon be hereHe'll roll back the stoneAnd he'll call out your name

But he's four days lateAnd all hope is goneLord we don't understand Why you waited so longBut his way is God's wayNot yours or mineAnd isn't it greatWhen he's four days lateHe's still on time

He's still on timeOh my God ...When he's four days lateHe's still on time He's still on time

I heard this song yesterday and burst out into tears. Then my devotion today touched on this same thing. He isn't running behind, He isn't late, He hasn't forgotten. He knows my tomorrow, He knows my next minute. He knows what is perfect for me, I think I know sometimes...but HIS way is GOD's WAY...not yours or mine! Over the last few days I have felt peace to the point I am doing better emotionally than I have in a while. I am sure the reason for that is Him, all the prayers that have been prayed for me and by me.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Scott and I are planning a trip to Myrtle Beach next week...Leslie and Burt are gonna be birthin a baby! So excited. I hope it is a little girl, but will be just as happy with a boy. I can't wait to spend time with Colin too - he is soooooo cute, got his birthday picture and he is growin up sooo...tooooo quickly!

We are faced with decisions and I detest not feeling certain about things.

We wanted to buy my uncles house - well it isn't his anymore as he has past. It was the house my grandfather built, it was the first house my parents lived in...and it is connected to my parents land. Unfortunately things didn't happen as hoped and the house was being put on the market. I pray that someone that is wonderful gets the house as it is next door to my brother Todd and my cousin Steve. Realistically the house was probably too small, in desperate need of updating.

So, we are thinking of maybe updating this house...but Scott works in Asheville...he has an hour and half drive one way...it is getting to be too much. We contemplated moving up the mountain for 6 months, see if it makes him like his job any more...but he really wants to find a job here. Soooo we are going to try to hang out a while longer...but those gas fill ups are bankrupting us!!

There is a house next door to us that we have wanted for a long time, it is beautiful and in no need of updating...3 bedrooms .. much nicer house than my uncles or this one. If we moved in there, we would let my nephew and his wife move in here. That is the perfect scenario...they are having a baby and would be so nice to be able to help them and babysit for them when needed. Plus Brad is our lifesaver, he is like our child in a way!

I am disgruntled with my current orthopedic doctor...am not satisfied that this is permanent and to accept we are at pain management. So...making the choice to find another doctor. We need another car, hopefully something better on gas...so that is something we are discussing. I can't really drive right now but can go to the grocery just up the street or maybe to the pharmacy. Being stuck here with no way to do what I want is killing me!

STILL NO PERIOD! gonna fix that though. 2 months are almost gone now and dang it...we are sticking to our time frame as of January 2009 - no more TTC...full on intense adoption will be our next step to parenthood.

My brother in law is getting married in April, lots of things I would love to do for that...but my back is keeping me from it. They really seem happy and I am glad that Chris is excited and in love. I feel for Amanda, I love her and want her to be happy too but it isn't going to be with Chris. Jen is great and she loves Chris so much, and we all are falling in love with her too.

My mom is doing better, her pacemaker is making her feel better...so on that front things are improving. My family still is split and I don't see healing there anytime soon, all I can do is pray.

My back is a bit worse I think, I feel like something is going on. The pain in my left leg is back - not as intense but it is back. The other pain is getting worse, and I feel like I am at a dead end with my current doctor. I do have physical therapy coming up, but my moms ordeal put it off and with my trip next week I think I will wait until the week after.

Hmm that is about it I guess...I wish that it was all sugar and sweetness...I know one day that I will wake up completely happy with my life. God is always here, He is faithful - I just have to have faith in Him!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

I woke up early this morning, really I barely slept...today is the big day! I am marrying my soul mate. *SHIVER* There hangs my dress...so beautiful...I can't believe it is happening! I looked out my window and half-way expected to see fairy's dancing, the perfect sunrise and a chariot waiting to take me to the church..haha. But, I did see a few birds...fairy like enough, cloudy skies...but the sun was out there somewhere and my shiny new red car...ready to take me to the church!

I ate a piece of toast and looked up towards my parents house and saw the smoke from the chimney and the lights on in the kitchen. I knew my mom and dad were awake, their baby girl was getting married today! I shower, get dressed and gather all my goodies and my dress and put them in the car. I walk into the house and mom was crying of course and daddy was getting ready. Mom and I hugged and I slipped out.

I drove to the church....not the church, but Gilboa...the old church my dad pastored for a long time. It is a beautiful one room white church nestled in the woods. I wanted to get married there, but it was winter...the church is not huge, so we went with Scott's church. Modern and warm haha. But I always go to Gilboa and it seems to bring me closer to God. There aren't services there anymore but I feel Him. I was saved at this church when I was 6. I remember it as clear as anything. I drive up and get out of my car. The cemetery is where we picked daffodils, played hide and seek...and at times we had our Sunday School class at its edge. I sat and prayed a little, asking God to make this day perfect. I wanted to make Scott happy, to give him a family and to be a wonderful Christian wife to him.

I never once doubted that Scott was the one, never. Even though he proposed after only ohhh...8 hours of knowing each other. I look down at my ring, he did good, a forever reminder that he chose me!

I head to the real church. Everything is ready, I am now dressed and waiting with my dad to walk down the aisle. I feel the tears welling up but I keep them at bay. There's our cue! We start walking and there were a lot more people than I thought! Then I could see the front and everyone else went blurry...there he was! In white too....yummy. We get to the steps and I was so focused on him I forgot to lift the front of my dress and so each step I walked more and more into the front of my dress....almost to my knees when I got to the top...how embarrassing! HOW FUNNY! I laughed through the entire ceremony. We said I do...the music played, we kissed...ooo we kissed. Mr. and Mrs. Scott Lail ladies and gentlemen! We walked down the aisle and wow...we were married - that was quick.

18 years later...

We still feel like newlyweds. Our love has sustained us through so much, deaths, sickness, financial things, moving for jobs, infertility, family dramas...it amazes me how at the end of the day...all we need is each other and God! No matter the valley, Scott lifts me up to the mountain top with a look...a touch, a kiss. God has blessed us with each other, and as long as we have that...the rest will be ok.

I want to have a renewing ceremony ... maybe next year, who cares if it is the 19th anniversary. I want to do it at Gilboa....I want that white horse and carriage to deliver me to the church, to Scott. I want to do it in the spring, I want the cemetery filled with daffodils, the trees blooming with white ribbons and the windows open in the church with white sheer curtains blowing in the breeze. I want us to recommit to each other and to God.

18 years...who woulda thunk it!?!

Ruth 1:16 Intreat me not to leave thee, [or] to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people [shall be] my people, and thy God my God:

That was a verse from our ceremony...and my aunt Audrey sang the hymn for us. I love him!

Monday, February 04, 2008

The last few days have been long...more pain lately than I have had in a while. I have been trying to cut back on pain medications for a couple reasons. First, addiction is something that has always scared me - I totally fear dependency on pain meds. My brother had this addiction and it eventually took his life. Second...it is hard to gauge pain when I am consistently on pain medications. Ok, it is gauged and my nurse called and said that letting the pain get out of control and then taking more than needed is how the majority get addicted. Taking scheduled doses, keeping the pain tolerable is necessary to keep me sane - (no comments on the sane part). Also, pulling back on the meds has increased my blood pressure and sugars. SO, back on schedule.

Unfortunately, I did this at a time when my mom needs me. Today she went to the ER with a heart rate of 32-34. VERY short of breath and weak. When she got hooked up to the monitor a doctor who had been looking at the screen at the nurses station came flying in with pads to shock her!! But, mom was coherent and talking so...they put on an external pacemaker and she is having a real pacemaker put in tomorrow morning. Soo...here I am trying to get through this pain and unsure how I will take care of her. I guess the words of my niece will kick in..."I am not an island!!" I am just so use to being the one - ya know!?!

Still no period, makes me angry - no period no new cycle. I guess that should be kinda a good thing...means no 2ww and no obsessing. I have my screen saver doing a slide show of pictures on my computer. I was sitting here watching it and some old pictures I scanned were on there. One came up was me as a baby....oh maybe 2 months old. I can't help but get emotional, seeing my baby face and slowly coming to the realization that I may never see my nose on our baby, that little whisp of hair sticking out of the cap I was wearing. January is gone, 11 more months to get pregnant then we stop trying. I typed that and woah....my throat hurts trying to keep the tears from falling!

the pic...

My devotion today was about how God knew today long before it happened. He knows the path laid out for us and knowing that HE knows should really be enough to make us have the faith that everything is working for our good. I wondered how could I ever doubt that even in the midst of the most horrific pain in my life, He still has plans for ME … plans to prosper ME and not to harm ME, plans to give ME a hope and a future.Isaiah 54:10 For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed; but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the LORD that hath mercy on thee. He promised, I believe!

Then my perspective took a change. I read a blog by a husband and wife, struggling with infertility - did IVF, pregnant with triplet girls. Long story short, they just lost them and my heart just tightened up like it was my own personal pain times 10! I don't know how they will handle it all, I prayed hard for them. They have a wonderful relationship so I know they will be ok in time. But here I am, doing my self pity thing...thinking my issues are so horrible. Then, I read that and I am blown away. My problems are grains of salt comparatively. I am really going to try my best to see the good things every day, maybe if I concentrate on the good things in my life - the bad things won't be so huge.