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Thursday, October 10, 2013

The only thing that makes up for blowing a three goal lead is a ROW. Actually, that's the second best thing. The best thing that makes up for blowing a three goal lead is the sound of 18,118 panties hitting the floor when Jeff Carter scored his second of the night for the OT win.

The Kings came out firing and made the Senators pay for sloppy play and bad turnovers, especially that super sweet breakout pass that went right to a streaking Dustin Brown, ready to atone for his ridiculous goalie interference penalty. Typically, I've usually seen Brown shoot those shots wide right (for another sweet breakout pass) or right into the goalie's chest. But every once in a while, he'll rip a shot like he did, a far post snipe, and I'll suddenly say "Oh, so that's why he's in the NHL."

But forget about the game. Analyzing this game will only make me more depressed as to why we're not scoring goals on every shift and, more frighteningly, why we're giving up so many goals.

With that, I'd like to introduce a new feature here on Waving Back at Gretzky. When I can (which, unfortunately, won't be as much as I'd like), I'm going to pull the best quote from our fearless coach and pair it with how I think he viewed his players' performance. Let's see what Vigo Sutter had to say:

[Bear with me as I continue to attempt designing a logo for this site]

Many thanks to Congress for this prolonged government shutdown so I can start learning how to use photoshop. My friends are all about to be in big trouble.

Thursday, October 3, 2013

We’re live here at Casa Spreewell.I’m joined by my two cats who simply cannot
give a shit that today is the season opener for the LA Kings.

I'll be updating this post as each period ends, so feel free to F5 this whenever you want. GO KINGS GO!!!

--First Period:

Minnesota, garnering old KNAC music for their intro. I feel like this is the
stuff they play for the World Air Guitar Championship.

I love Minny’s new 2013-2014 slogan: IT’S ON!What’s on tap for next year, “VEGAS, BABY!”? What about "IT IS so ON!"?

I’m really not loving that Verizon commercial where
people try to deduce the coverage maps of various carriers.Mostly because that lame chick at the end
looks like a reject from Rock of Love.

Dustin Brown on the third line?I’m looking forward to Dwight King’s -3 and
Dustin’s return next week.Wait, erase
that jinx right now.My bad.

Glad to see Jonathan Quick’s new profile picture no
longer makes him look like a homicidal teenager.

Woah, HAPA ALERT behind the Wild’s bench!

Well this is going to be a very long season.Whatever, we’re more of a third period team. Or, we’re more of a “Review from Toronto” kind
of team.

I love the announcer: That does not look like a
deliberate kicking motion.[Backtracks upon
seeing the replay.]Sigh, Free Bob
Miller & Jim Fox!

Looks like Matt Cooke played a lot of soccer in the
offseason.

This is such bullshit.I hate you Toronto – we give you Leiweke, we give you Bernier, and you
still manage to screw us.

I still can’t get past this – in what planet does turning
your foot for the purpose of deflecting the puck into the net is not classified
as a “distinctive kicking motion”?

How much are we paying Jeff Carter again?I’m fine with giving him an unsolicited
10-year extension.

I love it – puck gets deflected over the glass, play is blown
dead, and Backstrom does some practice butterflies to stay loose.It’s like a batter taking practice swings in
the on-deck circle, only slightly more ridiculous.Hey, if it works for him maybe it’ll work for
me later tonight in my beer-league game?We’ll find out.

Surprised Toronto hasn’t called to reverse the delay of
game penalty against the Wild.

You know how this is gonna be a good year?(1) Doughty scores in game one; (2) the Kings
score on the power play; (3) Doughty isn’t rocking ten pounds of extra greasy
hair weight.

Don’t we have approximately 20 defensemen on the
roster?It looks like we’re playing all
forwards today.What a joke – I hope Quick
is ready to face 50 shots a night.

Wow, close call – Fraser almost pulled a Derek Sutton,
falling to the ground without his helmet.I guess that makes Ballard the new Carl Racki, but way less better
looking.

Attention Minnesotans – is that hapa girl behind the Wild’s
bench a “Minnesota 10”?I’ve never been
to Minnesota and, consequently, judge their women as they appeared in Fargo.

Backstrom still practicing his butterflies after the play
is blown dead.What a champion.

Can we get an asterisk next to Cooke’s name for that
first goal?

Quick takes a hard shot off his shoulder – and I’m
seriously holding my breath until I hear there’s no collateral damage.

Clifford with the Kings’ second boarding penalty.Offensive penalties are simply recipes for
bad karma.Like, you know, another goal
off someone’s foot.

Serious question – is our defense atrocious or is
Minnesota really good offensively?

Well, I hope you learned your lesson, Clifford.And what the fuck are three guys collapsing
on the puck while killing a penalty?I
know Doughty doesn’t have his stick, but that doesn’t mean two more need to
help out.I’d like to blame Regehr, but
it was Richards’ man.

Brown getting booed by the crowd.I love it – I hope Brown scores and then
immediately points to his elbow.And
then maybe a throat cutting gesture, just for good measure.Or maybe an Arron Asham “go to sleep”
gesture, just in case those Minnesotans don’t get it.

Ugh, and that’s the end of the first.It’s still 1-1 in my mind.See you in a few for the second period.

--

Second Period:

Jeff Carter open net miss.Jeff Carter hasn’t failed to score on something
that wide open since his first visit to the Lilith Fair.

FIGHT!I don’t
know why, but it never ceases to amaze me when Kyle Clifford fails to
completely wreck someone’s face in a fight.Doesn’t the guy just look like he can put his fist through your
face?And yet it doesn’t happen?Maybe I should sent Clifford a copy of my
favorite martial arts movie, Bloodsport.WWJCVDD?

I keep forgetting that Minnesota was a playoff team last
season.I keep thinking they’re bottom
of the barrel – but I think I’m just remembering the Zidlicky years.

I hate to say this, but our defense is atrociously
suspect.Failing to pick up the trailer,
getting burned on the wings, not blocking enough shots.It’s like we’ve got a Stanley Cup hangover despite
winning the Cup last season.(Wait, I
should stop bitching – I’m on Year 2 of my 5-Year Grace Period from bitching
about the Kings.)

/marks “X” on October 1, 2017.

Halfway through the second period and the Kings only have
9 shots on goal.I’m really looking
forward to more Backstrom practice butterflies during breaks.

Uh oh, the wife is home – what’s the over/under before
she demands to watch something else?I’m
putting the line at 45 seconds.Any
bets?

Yup, still need subtitles for Sutter bench interviews. “If I can change, and you can change, everybody
can change!”

True to form, it appears the LA Kings still take periods
off.I’m just hoping they’re taking this
second period off and not both the second and third.

Richards is definitely not looking like he deserves a
spot on the Canadian Olympic roster.So,
naturally, I hope he makes the squad.Win-win!

I feel like I’d make fun of Niederreiter’s name more, if
the Niedermayer brothers never existed.

This period cannot end fast enough.And if you picked “Over 30 seconds,” then you
just won some money.

Bleh.I’m hoping
Sutter lights a fire under these guys.No
passion, no power, no perseverance, no pride, no… nothing.Let’s start the season off with a win,
boys.Change it up in the third.We’ll see.

End of the second.

--

Third Period:

Commentary about how guys might be giving something extra
to show they can make an Olympic roster… I’M LOOKING AT YOU, MIKE RICHARDS!!!

Yes!Backstrom dead
whistle butterfly drops!Double-yes,
playing the puck with your hands on the faceoff penalty against Minnesota!!Triple-yes, Jamie Kompon not in charge of the
LA Kings’ power play!!!(zero shots on
goal)“The more things change, the more
they stay the same.”

Hey Fantasy Hockey Commissioner, do we get points if Ryan
Suter holds the Kings to no shots on goal during a penalty kill?Asking for a friend.

Fine, an easy joke: The Kings know this isn’t a preseason
game, right?

It’s not a good sign when your first line is playing like
they’re in slow motion, right?And that
leads to a sweet slashing penalty off a dumb turnover.Man, how does that slash not amputate a limb?

Hrrrrm, halfway through the third period and the Kings
are no closer to putting any offensive pressure on the Wild to steal this
game.Are the Kings playing the second
half of a back-to-back series?This is a
joke.Thankfully there are 81 more games
to find our fire.Actually, thankfully
we don’t look as horrendous as the Ducks.Did you see that game last night?What an embarrassment… for pretty much everyone including the center
divider.

Oh man, finally.I
was about to rip Regehr for blowing the initial pass from Richards… but then he
goes and TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELFWell,
sort of – it’s all thanks to Jeff Carter.He’s on pace for 82 goals.Just
like Doughty.But it’ll be tough to beat
Ovechkin’s projected 2,492,113 goals for the season.

I can’t take any more of these penalties.I’m switching to the Dodgers ga….HOLY SHIT,
5-1, bases loaded, 1 out!!!Strikeout.Crap.Okay, back to the Kings.

Wow, Quick… holy shit…. heart attack… no stick… scrum in
front.. everyone down… clears it outta the zone.It’s definitely time to change my boxers.Trevor Lewis with the monster save – he must’ve
been watching Backstrom do his butterfly drops during the breaks, because that
was PERFECT form.Is it sad that I keep
thinking Lewis signed with Vancouver?I
know, I know, it was Richardson.So,
basically, I wake up every morning thinking “Oh thank god Trevor Lewis is still
with the Kings.”

Overtime:

I could really use a Doughty end-to-end right about
now.That’s like saying “Right now would
be a perfect time for an interception returned for a touchdown” when the ball
is on your 10 yard line.Apples and
oranges, you say?Hey look, this OT is
brought to you by Advil!

Shootout:

Remember when Quick was unstoppable in shootouts?Remember when Jarret Stoll was absolutely
money in shootouts?Well, we’re about to
find out if they can recreate the magic.

Final thoughts: Let’s be honest here, the Kings stole this
victory.They played like absolute
dogshit for the entirety of the second and almost all of the third period.I really hope it’s just a matter of shaking
off the cobwebs.What really concerns me
is that Justin Williams is the only guy on our top line playing like he belongs
there.

But two points is two points.And now we’re two points ahead of the
Ducks.But that’s not saying much.