I’m really disappointed in you, World Cup

Brazil. Argentina. Germany. The Netherlands. It’s the same teams that make it to the end of the World Cup every single time. Goddamn it, I really thought that the USA was going to go all the way. I just felt it inside, like not only were we going to win, but we were going to win huge, ten to nothing against whoever wound up making it to the other side.

But no, it’s the same old, same old. At least Costa Rica would have made it a little interesting, an underdog to root for, but they had to lose in a shootout at the end. I’m not saying anything original at this point, but shootouts suck. It’s no better than a coin toss. Will I shoot it left or right? Choose wrong and the ball goes in the net. Sorry. Make it sudden death. Keep playing overtimes until you have a winner. If it weren’t such an obvious solution to such a clearly flawed system, I wouldn’t be so riled up.

And now I just don’t even care. Brazil wins the World Cup. Or Germany. Or Argentina. The Netherlands haven’t won it yet, but they’ve been in the finals way too many times already. You’ve blown it so often that I just can’t get behind a Netherlands victory. It’s like if the Buffalo Bills ever make it to the Superbowl again, of course I’m going to root for their opponent, because come on dude, seal the deal already or make room for someone that actually wants to get the job done.

Someone like the USA. Come on, Belgium, that was terrible. And everybody’s like, “Oh, but Tim Howard had such a historic game!” That’s great, congratulations. But you still lost. If the best game of your career doesn’t end in a capital W, then, look, I’m not taking away anything from your personal accomplishment, but your team let you down by not making anything happen offensively, and you don’t get to be celebrated for a loss. That’s why you don’t have a team made up of goalies. Because goalies don’t get points.

In 2018, I want to see four totally random countries make it to the end. I thought we were off to a good start when Spain got knocked out right away, but here we are again, it’s the same faces playing the same big games. Next time around, it’s going to be Ecuador, the Philippines, Canada, and team USA. And we’re going to win it. And that’s going to be a great World Cup. Because this one has been nothing but a huge disappointment.