Archive for the month “March, 2012”

This video should serve as a reminder and memorial to us all that minorities can achieve greatness! If you try hard you can play Rapunzel out of a an airplane. I guess this is what Fear Factor looked like in the 1920’s. Chief White Eagle strikes me as the Steve-O of his time… the Johnny Knoxville of the Chippewas! It takes Jackass-like brain capacity to attempt something of this magnitude. Pay back to the Native Americans; “Think you can scalp our cowboys? We’re gonna hang your Chief by his hair from an airplane.”

I stumbled across this video after viewing a clip about a motorized bath tub so I wasn’t prepared for the level of amusement I attained from its contents. Did you see anything I didn’t? The humorous possibilities have an endless selection.

Anybody else imagine an emoticon winky face making a clinking sound when it winks like change falling into a coffer of various coins? Nobody? I’ve always had an interesting mind (and when I say interesting I mean abstract, most likely ADHD and definitely random) but recently I’ve realized how odd it really is. I notice it particularly when I think back out loud in my head (I’ve perfected this art) and go back over what I just thought. If it we’re a radio station it wouldn’t be lying about “more variety”.

Do you ever think about English words in pure noise form? DOOR. You look like such a dork saying that word. And there’s another one, dork. I’ve heard it to be defined as a male blue whale‘s reproductive organ but there are many interpretations. Then you get into the words that make you sound like Justin Bieber; “frothy, moist, supple”. But I digress.

I always find myself looking at certain situations and fantasizing about applying the same strategies in completely different situations in life. Like board games? Have you ever played Monopoly? Well Free Parking is where you land on a space and get all the money in the middle of the board that people have payed in throughout the game and it’s got this red parking meterfire-hydrant-lookin’-thing marking the space. Now… me being me… I began to think how awesome would that be! Getting paid to park? Sounds like a game show. “YOU’VE WON 1 MILLION DOLLARS!” Bob Barker walkin’ down the street, you’re posing with girls and confetti and everything…. then Ashton Kutcher walks up… “SUCKER! You’ve been Punk’d!” He trips and busts his head open, Bob disappears through a man hole, the girls get off break and have to go back to work at Hooters as a giant vacuum cleaner sucks up the red carpet, confetti and your car and you’re stuck with a murder scene (minus one car). No thank you. I knew there was a reason I’ve always hated that game.

Throughout both cinematic and world history, sidekicks have both inspired and amused the populace. I would like to start by mentioning sidekicks that didn’t make the Final Four. What is the Final Four you ask? It is a compilation of what I believe to be the four most legitimately awesome sidekicks.

4.Patrick Star: Our pink friend lives under a rock (literally) and has 10 jobs to his resume. He has invented 3 tools we use every day, the Pencil, the Light Bulb and the Mirror (also known as ‘a parallel universe’) as well as the Automatic Back Scratcher, Hair Comber, Nose Picker and Ukulele Tuner 9000 . Patrick has assumed many aliases throughout his career as sidekick but Patricia, The Elastic Waistband,King Patrick, Mr. Dr. Professor Patrick, and The Pink Patty are a few of them. I don’t think I need to say much more.

3.Dr Watson: I’ve always felt some symbiotic connection between this old chap and I. If not for his existence, Sherlock would have no one to say “Elementary” to. He’s helped in countless escapades against evil and criminality the globe over. I always liked to think he and Mr. Holmes were bros just like us nowadays when I played as a kid. This is more of a personal selection but it’s gotta be here nonetheless.

2. Robin: Batman‘s side kick in action made all the headlines and movie covers and won the spot as the first loser here in the sidekick contest (which is ironic because you’re kinda number two already as a sidekick…no matter). I’d have said the true sidekick was Alfred, his butler. That was until I saw this picture on Batman’s facebook status update the other day. So now I don’t know what to believe.

1.Chewbacca. My favorite extraterrestrial bro is a gargantuan heap of shaggadelic fuzz who streaks around the galaxy naked, save for a bandolier. He will ask to pass the salt by howling. He’ll rip the arms off a droid if you even think about cheating in a game of intergalactic chess. Face it, you’re not going to run across anyone like that on a day-to-day basis. He is unusually competent as a sidekick and that separates him from the rest of the pack. Chewbacca is science fiction, in hairy, barking fashion. While he’s definitely not human, he’s more of the man’s best friend type.. Just don’t ask him to fetch. Wookiees hate that.

Now that we got that out-of-the-way… today’s post was inspired when I asked myself why McDonald’s doesn’t sell hot dogs… I couldn’t answer it so I started wondering if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk (sign) with their mouth full of food… I was hungry at the time and wanted to stop thinking about edible material so I began to ponder where the defining line exists when it comes to partly cloudy vs. partly sunny… which got me thinking bigger and more comprehensively and BAM! I decided to research the weirdest and most intriguing things that have ever flown into space. A light sprinkling of the facts, salt, pepper, a dash of Captain Obvious and there you have it. A recipe for disaster. Enjoy!

1. Ashes Of The Creator of Star Trek:

In an extraterrestrial effort to immortalize Star Trek’s creator, Gene Roddenberry, some of the sci-fi legend’s ashes were flown in a small capsule on the space shuttle Columbia‘s STS-52 mission in 1992, the year booty-shaking dancing entered the mainstream with Sir Mixx-a-Lot’s Baby Got Backand Paul Lynck (Great Britain) did 124 push-ups with one finger. The shuttle delivered the tiny canister into outer space, where it orbited the Earth 160 times before being returned on the shuttle.

All kinds of sports jerseys, dirt from Yankee Stadium and even NASCAR starter flags have made it up in space… why NOT experiment with human cremation? “To the best of everyone’s knowledge, it was the first time that human remains were launched on a manned spacecraft,” said a NASA representative on the subject. “To the best of everyone’s knowledge”? What… are government intelligence agencies smuggling bodies into space to ‘leave no trace’? Are they trying to cover up the discovery of an intergalactic alien burial ground/space? Investigation pending.

'Nuff said.

2. Buzz Lightyear: Disney teamed up with NASA to launch the little guy into space. Lucky piece of toy store merchandise! The intrepid plastic figurine logged 468 days at the orbiting outpost, during which time he starred in educational videos as part of joint NASA and Disney outreach programs, inspiring millions… like the chick in the pic below.

3. Luke Skywalker’s Lightsaber:

The prop was the original one used by actor Mark Hamill, who played Skywalker in Return of the Jedi. The lightsaber flew to the space station and back to mark the 30th anniversary of the film franchise. I’ve always liked Star Wars a helluva lot better than Star Trek (the clueless wanker with Asbergers teaching us to be human is just too much, yes you Mr. Spock) but at the same time I’ve never been an ultimate Star Wars junkie. However I did see something more up my alley recently on the interweb.

A. You prefer the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”B. The doors on your X-Wing are welded shut and you have to climb in through the windows.C. You’ve used a light saber to light the barbecue grill.D. The disturbance you detected in the Force was last night’s baked beans.

What makes it even funnier is that I know many people who would act like this if they lived long ago in a galaxy far away… Ok, one last (remotely applicable but humorous) photo to observe and then I’m out of here :)

Revised history lesson on the ancient, yet over sized, glow sticks.

That concludes our session today ladies and gentlemen… I hope you’ll join me next time for another installment of Devastating The Obvious!