If I had a boss who constantly makes me feel like I don't do anything right. I do everything wrong. I didn't use my brain. I nearly broke this or that. I should speak up. I should use my brain. Why didn't I do it that way? Who shouts at me, looks at me with a constant frown. Why should I stay on?

Since June, my life has improved tremendously. I owe it to friends visiting Sydney, including my visit home. It's all about community, getting in touch with the people around you, and in doing so, remembering who you are.

Added to that, the fact that from now till the end of the year being November, I have back to back productions and filled up my time as much as I can. Netball helps, even though I have just played one game thus far.

November will see Melinda's marriage and soon December, a family togetherness in Berry. Throughout these months, I have to prepare for our defacto visa. And I intend to go to church as much as I can.

Broadway Beng is my last production here professionally, which I am stage managing. And I am glad that though it's a simple show with its unique challenges, I have not doubted myself so far. I am however, harbouring lots of doubt in leaving Singapore.

I have already discovered my contingency plan. Should things not work out with Phil there - Easy - I will just move out and live on my own. It might cost me more but I will survive and I must always remember that my support system is here.

Should I not be able to find work there after I graduate from the course - there is always Singapore.

I have grown up emotionally these past few months and am even more sure of myself and my goals and what I want in life.

And more importantly, I have learn to respect myself even more for who I am, as a woman, and as Engie.

I will embark on this journey on my own. I will not factor Phil as part of the main equation but as the sub-equation.

Neither is he the answer to my future. I am. I hold my own answer and key. I must remember this forever.

And I know God will guide me as always. For He makes my keys and He provides my answers. He will give me the strength to move on should things not work out. For this plan of mine is ultimately His plan. and I know His plans are to prosper me in all ways.

Should I fall, I must remember that He has the answer. And I will look to Him as my Light and Guide and Path.

i never thought i was an excessive worrier but now i highly doubt that.

needless to say, my worries were in vain. i stressed myself over nothing. what a wasted night of pain and tears. everything is okay.

but just a lesson to be learnt. if you don't let go of your fears, or overcome them, then it terrorizes you when you least expect it. how do i overcome this? How do i let it go? a journey upcoming.

meantime i am here at terminal 3 waiting for the plane to sydney. yes i know i keep going there and people keep thinking i am now living there. which hopefully will come true next year if nothing goes wrong (see, the worrier in me is creeping up).

i am really looking forward to it and i should think i will proceed no matter what happens.

my new eyesight has given me a new outlook somehow, on life. although i still keep forgetting that; at times i think i am wearing my contacts and in a second, i remember, and laugh at myself.

sometimes we have to forget the old to move on with the new. it's a challenging thing for me, letting go of work here in singapore and so many, numerous opportunities that have come my way since i have decided to leave. but i know that if i just shed these contacts, and accept my new eyes and life, things will turn out for the better. yes, though the grass may not be greener on the other side, but at least i am given a new outlook.

1) I watched 5 marvellous plays. 2) Went skiing in the Snowy Mountains3) Baked my first cottage pie4) sliced my finger and got free medical care5) watched Phil play hockey6) learnt forgiveness7) successful interview and accepted into the college8) lost my diary and my hp died on me9) rummaged through all the 2nd hand stores there for costumes10) LOVE the cold

It was emotional, trying, with lots of new things too. I think I grew in different ways. This journey that I have with Phil is stretching me more and more.

Auckland was beautiful - city with many volcanic cones, minutes away from beautiful beaches. It's breathtaking. In many ways similar to Melbourne or Sydney - even has some really close similarities to Sydney. There's The Strand shopping mall, Newtown area, lots of similar street names, a harbour and harbour bridge. haha.

well here i am back and healthy, no symptoms at all of H1N1. can't go to any schools for 7 days though. psyched on Singdollar and The Crucible. can't wait to really rev up the engines for work.

but sydney is always at the back of my mind. once i get my confirmation letter, i'll apply for my student visa and once it's approved, that's my new beginning. also, hopefully nac will give me a hefty bursary!

just had the most fabulous time in club med bintan. I never knew a club med experience could be such top notch. Excellent checks on every single thing and double excellent to the food. i think i put on half my weight in the past 3 days. no kidding, the food is bloody amazing.

i slept like a pig for the past two days, after closing Much Ado. I miss my team from Much Ado... we had such a fab fab time working together. One of my most memorable productions in terms of a wardrobe team bonding.

now that school term is ending and there aren't any more teaching sessions, my afternoons are free. plus i'm not concurrently working on any other production so i feel very very very free. i feel as if my brain is dying already with too much free time.

i need a challenge and i need something to do or i will seriously suffer boredom maximus. have looked at classes (cooking/diving/first aid) to take and all that but nothing that falls within next mon - weds. plus my driving instruction is MIA at the moment so I shouldn't expect any driving next week :(. crap. having too much time sucks. I can never be a tai tai.

last resort - i suppose i could read all the unread plays on my shelf.

Much Ado About Nothing has opened and is running. Today is the first day that we all get an off day from the show, save for those who have other jobs, which I'm sure are quite a few.

I learnt quite abit about myself, about teamwork, about managing a big team and cast and planning during this round. I guess the fact that there's enough budget to facilitate everything really really helps. I find myself growing in different ways everyday.

Am going back to Sydney in June for 2 weeks. And before that, Bintan Club Med! Can't wait.

Have started my driving lessons and they are fun fun fun yet I get so kan cheong sometime lah :(.

Today I will switch off my handphone, lock my door and sleep to my heart's content. I'm so glad schools are having exams.. so we can all rest.

sometimes i feel like i have jet lag with all these weird hours. hopefully they are going to be regulated from this week on. I realise it's taking me longer durations to fight off production tiredness. oh dear... i think i should start exercising.

the more we are apart the more i feel distanced. i'm just glad that we decided to take a mid april holiday instead of waiting till may to see each other for only 2 days. after we see each other in june, i really don't know what's going to happen.

right now, money troubles. the usual company is not paying as usual. and the cheque is delayed by a month. what the hell.