July 2013

07/30/2013

"And I don't know how I survived those days
Before I held your hand
Well I never thought that I would be the one
To admit that the moon and the sun
Shine so much more brighter when
Seen through two pairs of eyes than
When seen through just one..."

My husband is a mountain man,
happiest and most at peace when he's far away from electricity, flush
toilets and other people.

Me, on the other hand? I like
flush toilets. Also, I'm embarrassingly afraid of bears.

Every
opportunity we have for a get-away is met with this tension: Me,
wanting a sweet little B&B somewhere in a beautiful place where
someone else makes the coffee and cooks, and Hubby, craving a 5 day
backpacking trip in the mountains.

This year, we compromised with a two-night stay (without the kids!) at a lovely
riverside cabin (with flush toilets!) in the Sierra Mountains of
California, taking full advantage of free grandparent babysitting.

We hiked every day for three glorious days to beautiful meadows, rivers,
mountaintop vistas and pristine alpine lakes. We read, we slept in
(relatively), we dipped our toes in the river, we plunged our naked
bodies into the glassy waters of fresh snow melt (burr! and so alive!).

We got caught in a bizarre thunder & lightening & hail storm,
necessitating our swift departure from our mountain lake destination on
day 2 of our trip, and resulting in a hilarious, freezing, muddy and very wet
4-mile trail run back to our car at the trail head.

(I was so grateful
in that moment that we'd be returning to hot showers and our cozy bed at
the cabin, instead of a rain tarp, a wet cook stove and a tent!).

I feel grateful every single day for the mountain man I married. Happy Anniversary, honey.

07/22/2013

We've been doing quite a bit of feelie goop these days, as it continues to be a favorite request of all my kids. So I thought I'd re-up last year's post about it, in case you're looking for something fun and inexpensive to try with your young ones. This is a great summer activity, especially for after nap time!

I hope you are enjoying some sunshine and finding some sand in your shoes these days... I know I am.

The activity took a minimal amount of planning ahead (I happened to have two cups of cornstarch already in the pantry.) I set up the feelie goop station on the porch while the kids were still napping. Cleaning up was easy-peasy a few hours later, after the kids were inside reading stories with their dad.

Green is simple, creative and awesome. All of my kids love it, but especially Junebug, our 4-year-old. It's about all the different shades of green, and each page has a cut out that is fun to discover. The art is playful and lovely.

Do You Know Which Ones Will Grow? This is the book chosen by Junebug out of the book bin, every time, without fail. It's about which things grow (goats, bears) and which things don't grow (trucks, chairs). Junebug things it's hilarious to give the wrong answer (Yes, Mom, chairs grow! hahahaha! That's so silly!)

Frida is a children's book about the Mexican artist Frida Kahlo. Bringing a bit of magical realism, this book explores how Frida overcame her physical and emotional pain after a terrible accident by using painting and art as her outlet. My 4-year-old requests this story again and again.

07/12/2013

I don't really know where to start, so I guess it should be with this: I didn't get the job I wanted. It was a full time gig at a local university, working with college students and community partner organizations on a pretty dang rad service learning program. It was a competitive applicant pool, and in spite of my time spent teaching, mentoring, showing up and getting to know folks at this particular university over the past three years, in spite of my really liking them and them really liking me, this job, in the end, was deemed by the hiring committee "not the right fit."

I'm still smarting from the rejection and disappointment. In my most pitiful moments since hearing the news, I am filled with fears, hesitations and doubts about my career. I second-guess my choice to take some time off to be home with my kids. I worry I won't be able to transition well into doing work I care about again outside of my home, that I won't be able to contribute financially to our household, that I won't be able to shift from the non-profit sector to the education sector. I worry I am getting old, and that my life will be small.

My decision to really go for it with this job was a big one. As you know if you're a regular reader, I've been a mostly stay at home mom for the past four years, raising my three kids who are now aged four and two (times two), respectively. During these stay-at-home-mom years, I've dabbled with part-time contracts in fundraising, college teaching, strategic planning, and interpreting. I launched my dear liza business and also this blog. I joined the cast of the Listen to Your Mother show in Providence. I chaired the national board of directors of a major Latin America solidarity organization, and I am now a founding member of the board of directors of a new school where I live.

It's been a busy four years, and I've enjoyed the flexibility of being mostly at home with my kids while taking on various part-time paid work. But when this big, kind of overwhelming, totally exciting full-time job became available (and, I won't lie, the corresponding salary + benefits)... well, I just knew I really wanted to do it.

My husband and I had a series of important talks about how it would work, me going back to working full-time. Would he pick the kids up from their preschools at 4pm every day? Would he buy groceries, plan and cook meals, do the laundry, get the oil changed in the car, call the insurance company, pay the monthly bills, not work on days one of our kids was home sick? We realized that my going back to work would likely seriously delay his finishing his dissertation. We talked and thought and sat with it... And in the end, with my husband's full support and blessing, I walked into my interview 100% certain that this job was what I wanted, that this was where I was supposed to be, that working with college students and community organizations and service learning was where I was called to be, that this change would be the right thing for me and for our family.

And then: it wasn't.

I am old enough to know that you can't force things. They are either aligned in the right way at the right time, or they are not. Bad break-ups with ex-boyfriends have taught me this. Other jobs that I thought were a sure fit that slipped through my fingers have taught me this. I remember, many years ago, when I was fresh out of graduate school and interviewing for jobs in the Bay Area, I was one of two top finalists for three different positions over the course of eight painful, unemployed months. Three dreadfully long and involved interview processes, where the hiring team simply could not decide between me and the other candidate. The first two times, after months and months of interviewing and proving myself and doing "scenario" interview assignments and providing additional references, the jobs went to the other candidate. I felt devastated. And the third time, the organization couldn't decide... so they figured out how to come up with the money to hire us both. That was Amazon Watch, where I served as the Associate Director for a couple of amazingly fantastic years. Some of the best experiences of my life were working with the incredible team at Amazon Watch, and with our partners in the Amazon. Had I gotten one of the other jobs I thought I was meant to have, that never would have happened.

So now, in my less pitiful moments, which is becoming more and more of the time, I trust the Universe in these things. (Some people call this trusting God, but for me, "God" feels so riddled with human limitations in a way that naming the Universe does not.) The Universe knows so much shit I don't know. Have you ever read Flatland? That book is the most spiritual book I've ever read, perhaps... although it might be tied with Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time. Anyway, my point is: there is so much we don't know and can't explain. Whenever I think I know exactly what's going to happen, or how something is, that's usually when the Universe knocks me on my ass and I go, "Oh. You again. Riiiight."

There is so much in life that requires our utter humility and surrender. There is so much that requires our embarrassment, our longing, our not getting what we thought we wanted. The Universe is not interested in our egos. There are so many times when we are faced with the simple fact that we don't know it all, that we can't always, by pure force or guts or skill, make things happen. The Universe reminds us that we all flow like a river, trickling and raging at different times, overcoming obstacles, filling dry pools with our water. Our lives are short and precious. And also they're not. It is in these moments when the Universe has tapped us on our shoulder that grace has the possibility to show up for us, to remind us of power and gratitude and connectedness that is larger than our small, falsely certain, entitled, miserly selves.

As it turns out, grace was quick out of the gate for me this time. The same week I was turned down from this job, I was offered another one I had interviewed for a couple months prior. A temporary, part-time position with a school I deeply respect, with people I know I will really like, with a mission that includes multi-cultural education and working against racism. One person interviewing me even name-dropped Tim Wise during the interview! Which of course made me think, "wow, I could really belong here." I was delighted to be offered this job, and I excitedly accepted.

So I will be doing this work, with this fantastic school, from September to March. I'll be developing new skills and learning many new things in an educational environment where I've never worked before. Since it's only three days a week, it will allow me to continue doing the household and family work that will make it possible for my husband to finish his dissertation this coming year. I might also be able to pick up a few hours of additional paid work elsewhere (anyone have a lead?). I might also be able to continue working on this blog. I might also take the leap and try some attempts at paid freelance writing. I might also be able to continue exploring my love of photography and sewing projects. I might also be able to take an occasional weekday yoga class. I'll be able to pick my young kids up from their preschools every afternoon. None of this would be possible if I had gotten the full-time job I thought I wanted.

I am simply overcome with gratitude for the job I'll actually be doing come fall. I'm excited to be there, I'm excited to grow, I'm excited to dig in.

I know the job that I got -- not the one I didn't get -- is the right thing, because it is the thing that is happening. Sometimes, that's how we know. Sometimes, that's how the Universe tells us.

Welcome

Greetings from Providence! I'm Jennifer, working mom of twins + 1. I'm also a writer, educator, activist, seeker, aspiring photographer and maker of things. I juggle multiple realities all the time and this is where I share about it. Thanks for stopping by!