28 November 2008

I'd like to think that I don't overreact. In fact, few things send me into a screaming fit that requires immediate attention. With the exception of roaches.

Today I walked into my room, looked at the floor, and this is what followed.

"OH MY GOD!!"DAD!!!OH MY GOD!THAT THING IS HUGE!!DADD!!!!"

He happened to be standing outside my door and was trying the doorknob, but it was locked and that thing was in-between us. That thing was the biggest freaking spider I've ever seen, with the exception of the tarantula my neighbor had once. All of the other spiders were put to SHAME by this beast. This was the grand daddy of all big ass spiders that have been living in my kitchen.

When he finally did reach my room, even he had to admit that it was, in fact, huge. And he's been killing bugs in people's houses for years.

It was so huge that he didn't even want to kill it.

He kept asking for a cup so he could put it outside before it crawled under the cabinet. I kept yelling for him to kill it.

What happened? It crawled under the cabinet. I don't see how it even freaking FIT under the cabinet.

My pleas for copious amounts of poison to be sprayed under the cabinet were met with various excuses:

"I bet it's been sitting there eating roaches.""It doesn't even build webs, it just sits there and eats stuff on the floor.""I know it's not poisonous. It won't bite you.""It's more scared of you than you are scared of it.""It didn't get that big by being stupid. It won't come back out."

All very, very reassuring.

*UPDATE*

Oh man.

Just as I was wrapping this up, my dad is outside giving the garbage men beer.

We always ask if they'd like some water, especially in the summer time, but this time they jokingly said, "How about a beer?"

27 November 2008

My future is in someone else's hands. The forms are filled out, the letters are all stamped, sealed, and ready to be sent tomorrow. The only thing left is to re-send my updated transcripts after this semester is over, and then... wait.

I was talking to my friend Anthony who is also applying, and he asked me my back up plan if I don't get in to either school.

Um, back up plan?

Let me say that again.

Back up plan?

There is no back up plan. This is what I want to do. The last howevermany years have been leading up to this.

I'm qualified. I know I am. I know I'll kick ass at this. I just hope it was conveyed through my applications.

He got me kinda freaked out. I thought I'd feel relieved when it was done but instead I feel anxious.I guess I'll cross that bridge if I come to it.

Wish me luck and send good "pick jen" vibes to the Hospital A and other hospital CLS people!

26 November 2008

My boss took me to lunch today for my birthday, and I thought that was super nice of him. He even told me not to clock out, because it was a "business lunch."

And you know what I noticed? He has two different colored eyes. One's greyish and one's brown. I've known the guy for about a year and I never noticed that. I guess you don't really look at someone's eyes until you're sitting across the table from them. Well, I don't anyway.It reminds me of that zombie movie where the kid with different colored eyes is immune to the zombie virus or whatever. When zombies take over, I'm high-tailing it to work, fo sho.

After work I ran to Fedex, then I went over to Tony's for a pre-Thanksgiving hang out. We made dinner and drank some wine. It was nice to chill.

Then I came home to tons of gluten free goodies that my mom baked. It really touched me that all of the traditional goodies were converted to gluten free. My mom really makes an effort to make me feel included.

24 November 2008

What happened to all of my supportive bras? They're old and stretched out and not supportive anymore. They still look pretty, though. What deceit! I've got about 10 in my drawer that I don't wear anymore because they're useless.

And how much does a new bra cost? I can't just run to Walmart and get one for $10. They start at $40 and work their way up for a decent bra that doesn't leave me pulling and hoisting all day. And, it is so difficult to find my true size. I have to settle for the next compromise size. Otherwise I'd have to get them custom made. Read: $$$ (By the way, that's going to be a birthday/ Christmas gift to myself this year.)

I can't wait to become rich (or at least not broke) and I'm gunna have like 100 bras, just to make up for all these years of crappy bras.

Speaking of bras, take a look at this. Wow!Even a 5 million dollar bra like that one doesn't look very supportive. Can you imagine running in that? Psh.

23 November 2008

I have recently discovered that carbonated beverages give me terrible headaches. The last half-dozen or so that I've drank have given me immediate headaches. No more sodas for me! I don't drink them that often anyway so it's no big deal.

I am in a place right now where things don't suck, but they aren't super wonderful either. I feel like I'm just here. You know that quote up there, sometimes I sit and think, sometimes I just sit? Well, this is one of those "just sitting" blocks in my life. Nothing exciting, no profound thoughts, just a get-through-life kind of attitude.

I feel dull, but not depressed. I'm sure it's the crappy un-changing routine of school that's got me this way. There's not much wriggle room for spontaneity. I always get this way when things get too routine.

On that note, I am getting things done, slowly but surely. Applications are moving along, and they'd better be; they're due by the end of the month.

My patience is back to normal, but that's not saying much, now is it? haha.

Things with Chris are better. He's getting settled into his own routine after his recent life- upheaval, which gives him extra time for me. That makes me happy. He's been working a lot and many things are still in boxes, and I'm DYING to organize his apartment. But I have to exercise self-control and let him do his thing. After all, it is HIS apartment, not mine.

Let's get crackin' on this ridiculous busy-work psychology paper, as it's due the day after my birthday and I really don't want to spend my birthday working on a paper that I hate.

21 November 2008

I never want to hear the word Dictyostelium again. I spent three days working on that darn paper, the majority of the time trying to find acceptable research. It's done- finally.

Other things are not done, including the applications I wanted to get sent out by the end of this week. Stupid internet and printer problems, and I kept forgetting to print them out at school with all this school stuff to do.

Oh yeah- it's already been one year since I was diagnosed. Horray for me!

19 November 2008

I got an apology message today. I had completely forgotten about it until I was reminded of the past significance of today's date. November 19 used to be an anniversary, and if things had kept going the way they were going, I'd probably be married right now.

Oy. So glad that didn't happen. It's amazing how things can change so much, including yourself.

I'm fighting a headache and gotta do some research. These next few weeks of school are going to be a bitch.

16 November 2008

I have decided that my mood is not going to improve until I get the stuff done that is always in the back of my mind. Bothering me, interfering with my sleep, etc. It's affecting aspects of my life that it shouldn't be.

Tomorrow I plan on being super productive, because procrastination is only dragging this funk out.

My motivation? Tonight I hung out w/ Dayna and Scott. Although I had fun and it was super nice to get out of the house and away from this desk full of schoolwork, I felt like I wasn't enjoying it as much as I could have, because of everything weighing me down. Enough is enough, and it's time to get shit done and off my mind.

And I've had time to think about my gripes regarding Chris and put things into perspective. I still stand by what I said about being a little selfish and needing some support. I do it for him, and I expect the same in return.But, he has been working a LOT lately and he is exhausted. When I think about how things used to be, I can see he's making major efforts. So, I guess I just have to pick my battles and have some patience. These crappy times will pass and there's no use taking my frustrations out on him. As much as I complain about the stupid crap, the bottom line is he makes me freaking happy, 98% of the time, and I do see improvements where things used to suck.

14 November 2008

There are so many times that I look back at what I've written and not been satisfied with it.

I've stopped writing when I'm upset so I don't have to go back and retract my ideas once I've calmed down.

I have been in a foul mood lately. Like that little black cloud is over my head, or more like deep down inside- I don't know which.

There is so much going on right now that I can't make sense of it all and pinpoint what is causing this mood. I'm going to try some free-writing to see what pops out.

Med Tech school applications. I've been putting them off. I don't know why. They're due soon.

There are times that I regret starting this relationship with Chris again. It's an odd thing. There are far more good times than bad, but it's the bad that seem stand out the most. Or maybe it's like that psychological phenomenon. You remember the good when you're happy, and the bad when you're unhappy. I forget the term. Mood-related memory or something like that. Either way, it has been very hard to be understanding and patient with him lately. Call me selfish but I've got a lot going on and I wish he was there for me more. I'm just asking for a little comfort.

My relationship with my mom has been a little tense lately. I absolutely respect and try to make her happy, because I like to see her happy. But for some reason I feel myself being impatient with her and taking things out on her, in small ways. She doesn't deserve that and it makes me feel like shit.

I've been treating myself like shit as well. I haven't been eating right and have no motivation to exercise. I know if I started again I'd feel better, like I always do, but I have no ambition.

I haven't been sleeping well. I wake up several times a night and have tense dreams. This has made me wake up tired lately, which makes the whole day drag.

I haven't spent much time with friends lately either, outside of school or the occasional hour or so at the teahouse. School has got to take priority.

I can see why I'm in such a funk, but it doesn't seem like it should be having this much of an affect on my overall mood.

13 November 2008

I have been in a grouchy mood. Not because of the internet. Well, partly. It's partly because of a lot of stuff. The shitty weather, the depressing DARKNESS that falls at like 530, being broke, etc etc.

I have also been suffering from a serious lack of snuggles. Like serious. I can't remember the last time I got snuggles. Way before Chris moved, that's for sure. Even though he's moved closer, I see him less. GAY. Although it is nice to go hang out for a few hours without having to drive all that way.

I'm stressed out over the never-ending pile of schoolwork and all of the other things in the back of my mind that have to be done. And what do I do when I'm stressed out? I reach for comfort.

Chris has been stressed out over other stuff, and what does he do when he's stressed out? He wants to be alone. Do you see an inconsistency here that maybe has to do with my lack of snuggles? Yeah. GAY.

Not that I'm all that pissed about it. I'm actually pretty used to it, and it's one of the smaller factors contributing to my grouchiness, but I'm just complaining.

I'm totally PMSing and being a fat tonight eating junk food.

Oh yeah, and I got a new toothbrush today. It's just one of those things I never think about but I think you're supposed to get one every few months. If you haven't gotten a new toothbrush in a while, get one. I never realized how funky my mouth was feeling b/c of an old toothbrush until I used my new one. Squeaky clean today!

With my finicky stomach, I especially pay attention to what my body wants to eat. I always eat what I feel like eating; even if it's living off of ice cream and rice for 2 days. I figure if I'm craving it, I'm craving it for a reason. Everyone always asks if I'm pregnant, but I've always been this way.

For instance, I have been craving rice and ice cream the past couple days. This morning I woke up wanting ice cream, but figured I should eat something with some kind of nutrition. So I made eggs, and they weren't appetizing at all. After I ate them, my stomach hurt. I ate some ice cream, and it calmed down.

And I don't always crave junk food. Sometimes it's pumpkin. Sometimes it's tuna. Sometimes it's pasta salads, apples, or soups. But the bottom line is I always feel best when I listen to what my stomach is telling me- and eat accordingly.

08 November 2008

Take, for instance, a fresh clean bed. I don't just mean clean sheets. I mean the real deal. I washed the blanket, fluffed and washed the feather comforter, and even fluffed the pillows. I was in a puffy cloud of fabric softner smells and soft jersey knit sheets- all free of cat hair. Pair that with a chilly night and I was in bed hog heaven.

07 November 2008

It's at that point in the semester when I wake up tired every morning.

As soon I finish one thing there's something else to take care of. It's exhausting, and I'm starting to do things half-assed *cough*psychology*cough* just so they're done and over with.

My last chemistry lab is next week, which will be one less thing to worry about. It's bittersweet. It took a lot of time but it's the class I enjoyed the most. I'd much rather be done with cell bio...

On the plus side, my mom and I went garage sale-ing and I got an awesome orange daisy retro mixing bowl and a thing to make salad dressing in.

I've been trying to start my Christmas shopping but I haven't had much luck finding stuff. Today I found Ashley's gift. Mom was out shopping and called me about it. It's awesome, I want it for myself.STAY OUT OF MY CLOSET ASHLEY!!!

I just think Obama is way too liberal for me. On a lot of issues, which I will not go into now. I think that McCain was too conservative for me on a few issues, but I voted on the side of caution.

I am more interested in how this presidential term will pan out than any other one before. I don't know if it's because I'm older and realizing how this will affect me, as an adult, or because it is such a historical, controversial election.

But, the US voters have spoken. We'll see where the next four years takes us!

02 November 2008

Everyone's asking about my halloween weekend.What was I?I was the best girlfriend ever.

I headed over to Chris' at about 11 yesterday and helped him pack and move with his parents and a couple of friends. They got all the heavy stuff first and packed it in his race trailer. At about 7 they left, and it was just us to move the rest. We got it all boxed and packed up, and the thought of lugging more heavy boxes down 3 flights of stairs was not making us happy campers. I never realized how much shit he has.

Then, Chris had a genius idea. We went out looking to steal a shopping cart, because there's a small elevator at one end of the complex. We found one right away on the side of the road, and noisily walked it down the corridors. That saved us many trips up and down. And we even had enough energy to carry the 8-ft tall bookcase down winding flights of stairs. Yes, we are badasses.

Then, at about 1 or so, right as we're about to leave for the new apartment, he discovers his battery is dead. Lovely! Right at that time, this guy he met randomly who lives in the complex pulls in and gives him a jump start. They talk about cars and stuff for a while with their hoods up as I try not to fall asleep standing there, and finally we head out.

We get there and unload stuff as quietly as possible in a zombie-like state. Thank GOD he's on the 1st floor.

While we were outside, we heard a clatter and Chris said, "Oh great. Not again." Because there was always loud noises and stuff at the old place. Turns out, it was a raccoon in the dumpster. Then, he pointed out the sound of a hoot owl and the small grove of trees on the other side of the fence from his patio. He had such a satisfied look about him. I think Mr. redneck country man has found his home, haha.

I dug out the bedsheets and made his mattress up, because I know he had been up for way longer than I'd been, and he carried the heavy stuff to boot. Then I drove home at about 4 to sleep in my comfy bed. Sore, tired, and dirty. But it was a good sore, tired, and dirty.

Overall, it took 17 hours of straight packing and loading. I think we took a 20 minute break for lunch and that's it.