London to become surf powerhouse!

I’ve been to London a good handful of times in my life and have always thoroughly enjoyed. The weather is mostly dour and the food tastes like boiled underpants but there is something about The Big Smoke that speaks to me. Maybe it is because I’m over 50% English, or so my grandmothers told me. The grandmother on my father’s side even told me I am 9th cousins to Queen Elizabeth. I spent some of my childhood wondering how many people would have to die for me to be King of England.

The other under 50% is German. A 60/40 split or possibly even 70/30. I don’t know because I haven’t done the genetic testing thing that tells everyone they’re 1% North African yet.

Have you? Genetic tested? Any surprises?

Well, there is a surprise coming from London. For today it was announced that the city is seeking to rival Hawaii and Australia as surfing powerhouses. Let’s read from Rupert Murdoch’s The Sun:

Swanley – 15 miles from central London and within the M25 – is being considered for a £20million artificial surf lagoon with cutting-edge wave machine.

Surf loving local Joby Ingram-Dodd, 37, who has been surfing for over 20 years, is fundraising £1.5m to get plans off the ground.

He made the decision after growing sick of making the 550 mile round trip to Newquay, Cornwall to take part in his favourite sport.

After years of struggling to find time to get to the coast, the father of two decided the most logical option would be to bring the ocean to the town’s 21,000 residents.

A crowd-funding project that aims to raise £20million to fund Surf London would pay for the cutting edge wave pool technology that creates the perfect artificial waves for surfing.

The proposed London Surf park will contain scuba and freediving pools, a climbing area, and a flowrider – a plastic wave that water is pumped over to surf on.

Joby said the park would provide school children and Londoners with the chance to try out extreme sports, such as surfing, that they otherwise may not have access too.

“I think it would be amazing to have an Olympic surf champion come from Swanley or London or wherever having learnt on a wave pool rather than coming from Cornwall or California.”

So? Are you excited for the champ from Swanley? And seriously, this little bit really made me think that once wave tanks are ubiquitous and basically the entirety of professional surfing then rich little nation-states can buy their way right in. If Dubai, say, built a Surf Ranch for every ten people then we’d have a Saudi champ within two decades, assuming the Saudis decided against getting as fat as they possibly can by eating powdered sugar donuts by the boxful.

Fucking Saudis. They are by far the worst.

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Thank goodness there's finally a place for us!

Announcing: BeachGrit Women!

CARDIFF-ADJACENT, Calif. (March, 8, 2018) — We are excited to launch our new project Beachgrit Women. We believe the time is right to expand our coverage of women in surfing and create an inspiring and empowering space for women surfers. Beachgrit Women will do all of these things and more.

Here at Beachgrit, we are happy to celebrate International Women’s Day, but we believe women should be celebrated every single day. Beachgrit Women is designed specifically with our fast-growing women’s audience in mind.

We look forward to bringing you stories designed specifically for woman and scooping up that lovely bikini advertisement cash. We feel confident that this expansion will strengthen our brand and continue to build our audience among women to more than ten.

We know you love our first-person interviews about women who’ve found new confidence learning to surf. We plan to bring you so many more of these empowering stories. We want you to feel inspired, whether you’re brand-new to surfing or a seasoned expert. We know the ocean means everything to you, just as it does to us.

In addition to the stories you already love, we’ll be rolling out some new, exciting features. Look for extended interviews with female surfers on everything from their favorite boards to the perfect bikini wax. Plus, we’ll help you improve your bottom turn and finally achieve that Downward Dog. And we’ll have nutrition guides packed with recipes for the perfect salads.

We are excited to partner with several major brands to bring you reviews of newly released products. We know you want to look stylish in and out of the water and we’re here to help. We’ll help you choose the perfect pink board for spring and a wetsuit to match. And, we’ll make sure you nail that perfect surf selfie.

We all know relationships can be a drag. Our sex-positive advice columnist is here to help you avoid ever dating surfers. She’ll also help you with tips on how to achieve the perfect orgasm time after time. Watch for our review of six surfboard-inspired vibrators that we’re sure you’ll love.

We look forward to bringing you this exciting new project. You’ve already come to know us as Beachgrit. We can’t wait to have you join us in smashing the patriarchy at Beachgrit Women, where it’ll be women’s day, every day.

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Meet: Australia’s Olympic surf team!

2020 seems like an eternity away but you and I both know that two years goes by very quickly and in two quick years plus a few stray months we’ll be watching surfing at the 2020 Olympic Games in Tokyo, Japan. It’s sort of funny to think about right now, Olympic surfing, but let’s try to be serious because Australian coach Bede Durbidge is serious and he just announced his team.

Chew on those names for a minute or two. Do you like? Do you love? Are you drunk atop your couch right now, the southern cross tied around your head singing Waltzing Matilda?

In case you wonder how these particular surfers were selected allow me to explain.

The Surfing Australia national selection committee includes seven time world champion Layne Beachley, four time world champion Mark Richards, ex-WSL surfer and talent pathway coach Kate Wilcomes, three time world champion Mick Fanning and Surfing Australia elite program manager Bede Durbidge. There was some readiness camp in January and then the selection committee picked the team from a 2012 issue of Australia’s Surfing Life.

Would you have chosen the same? Any additions or subtractions? The Wright family could win gold, silver and bronze if Tyler chooses to surf in the men’s division. I think she would have a shot at gold. She looked good at Surf Ranch.

Glenn “Micro” Hall is in the team photo but didn’t read his name in the press release.

I wonder if he is spying for Ireland?

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Classic Jimbo.

Question: Can today’s pro surfer be fat?

So I was talking with a good friend yesterday and the newestSurfer magazine was sitting there and of course I started flipping through it while talking and then I saw a picture of Wade Carmichael and said, “Wow. He’s fat.”

Now it was a rude thing to say but he looked fat in the picture and/or husky but my good friend apoplectically responded, “Pro surfers can’t be fat…” and I looked up at him and realized he was not joking at all but deadly serious which made me think.

Can today’s pro surfer be fat?

In the 80s, 90s, 2000s it was very easy because back then pro surfers weren’t athletes. Mark Occhilupo, Mick Lowe, Kekoa Bacalso, etc. but today and now with the training and the airs and Surf Ranch contortionist barrels… it is a whole different game. A fit game. And there doesn’t seem to be much room for plus-sized men. It even seems that 150 lbs would be an unofficial cut-off of sorts not counting the great John John Florence who is not fat but likely weighs… 170 lbs.

Or maybe my good friend is wrong. Maybe there is a quiet revolution happening at the Championship Tour level where Jordy Smith, Wade Carmichael and… Italo(?) are bringing the cushion for the pushin’ back to the fore. Big turns, lots of water displacement, etc.

The pendulum is always swinging but do you think the new look tour favors feather light small boys or beefy tees? It seems, with the loss of both Fiji and Pipeline that the feather lights haven’t been in a better position since the Bud Tour days of old. That the cushion for the pushin will be a decided disadvantage. That in a few years, with a few more pool events locked down, pro surfing will be like women’s gymnastics and titles will be won by 13 year olds who weigh 98 lbs.

Hmmmmmmm.

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Ol Captain Willie!

Revealed: Kelly Slater’s lost nickname!

I have been buried in Surfer magazine’s archives, searching for hidden Lisa Andersen nuggets for the forthcoming documentary Trouble. It is difficult work in that distractions lurk on every page. Old Gotcha ads, secret spots’ like Mavericks and Nias revealed, Kelly Slater’s long forgotten nickname from the early 1990s.

Kelly Slater. His mom calls him Willie, but can’t remember why. The press calls him “the next Tom Curren,” and other things that are impossible to live up to. Other surfers call Slater overrated, until they see him surf — then they just call him a mutant. And the teenage girls of America, they call Slater often and at all hours, forcing him to change his telephone number. It isn’t easy being highly-touted, but Slater shows he has that side of surf-stardom in control and let’s it all flow around him.

Willie.

Ol’ Willie Slater.

Weird.

And now is the time to fess up. Do you have a lost nickname? Something your mom used to call you that has almost faded from memory?