A/N: I don't own Harry Potter
and wouldn't particularly care to. I would like a rental agreement
with option to buy for Hermione Granger. A short term contract with
Nyphadora Tonks wouldn't be turned down. A Long-term agreement with
Luna Lovegood would probably be a whole lot of fun. Any time Padma
Patil wants to open negotiations, call me and oh for a weekend with
Fleur. Oddly Lavender and Padma's sister (despite being her twin)
Parvarti do nothing for me…

A/N2: My deepest
apologies to Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim. – Oh
and to William Shakespeare, who they ripped off in the first place.

Harry
Potter and Hogwarts The Musical.

The house lights
came up in the opulent, if little used and heretofore unmentioned
Phineas Nigellus Black Theater. Lucius Malfoy, clad in jodhpurs, a
puffy sleeved shirt open to the navel, paddock boots, and a beret
strode out onto the stage.

"People!" he
announced clapping to get the attention of the gathered Slytherins.
"We open in three days. And. We. Are. Not. Ready! " He struck his
pimp cane on the stage to emphasize each of the last five words. "Now
perhaps you want to get to opening night in a show called "Lord
Voldemort Presents, Lucius Malfoy's Hogwarts The Musical starring
Lord Voldemort" so fundamentally unready, but I for one do NOT.
Set it up for the Slytherin Love Song. Oh, and Flint? Hit your
cues, or I will kill you."

Lucius returned
to his seat in fourth row center, and the house lights went down.
The curtains opened to show a set that was a remarkably accurate
reproduction of the Slytherin common room.

The lights went down on
stage to a blackout. Then all the lights in the house came up.

"Alright, that was
better." Lucius said from his director's perch. "But it was
still the single worst piece of crap I've ever seen. Work on
hitting your cues, every one. Set it up for Draco's solo!"

The curtain closed and
the stage hands hurriedly set up the requested scene. After a few
moments the curtain opened to show an amazingly detailed replica of
the Quidditch Pitch. Draco strode out on stage."

"From the top Draco."
Lucius called.

The music started, and
Draco ignored his cue. The music stopped. "What's wrong Draco?"

"Alright, that was
pretty good Draco. Try your other solo as long as that set is up."

"Yes Father."

The lights in the
theater went down again, and a single spot framed the blond
Slytherin.

Draco (singing)

I feel pretty,

Oh, so pretty,

I feel pretty and
witty and bright!

And I pity

Any boy who isn't me
tonight.

I feel charming,

Oh, so charming

It's alarming how
charming I feel!

And so pretty

That I hardly can
believe I'm real.

See the pretty boy
in that mirror there:

Who can that
attractive boy be?

Such a pretty face,

Such a pretty robe,

Such a pretty smile,

Such a pretty me!

I feel stunning

And entrancing,

Feel like running
and dancing with a whirl,

For I'm loved

By a blood traitor
girl!

SLYTHS

Have you met my good
friend Draco,

The craziest boy in
the house?

You'll know him the
minute you see him,

He's the one who is
in an advanced state of shock.

He thinks He's in
love.

He thinks He's in
Spain.

He isn't in love,

He's merely insane.

It must be the heat

Or some rare
disease,

Or maybe a potion

Or maybe it's fleas.

Keep away from him,

Send for Snape!

This is not the

Draco we know!

Modest and pure,

Polite and refined,

Well-bred and mature

And out of him mind!

Draco

I feel pretty,

Oh, so pretty

That the castle
should give me its key.

A committee

Should be organized
to honor me.

SLYTHS

La la la la . . .

Draco

I feel dizzy,

I feel sunny,

I feel fizzy and
funny and fine,

And so pretty,

The Dark Lord can
just resign!

SLYTHS

La la la la . . .

Draco

See the pretty boy
in that mirror there:

SLYTHS

What mirror where?

Draco

Who can that
attractive boy be?

SLYTHS

Which? What? Where?
Whom?

Draco

Such a pretty face,

Such a pretty robe,

Such a pretty smile,

Such a pretty me!

SLYTHS

Such a pretty me!

ALL

I feel stunning

And entrancing,

Feel like running
and dancing with a whirl,

For I'm loved

By a blood traitor
girl!

The lights came up.

"Why am I cursed to
work with Amateurs?" Lucius asked the gods. "Alright strike
that scene, set up for the fight scene."

As the curtain closed,
Voldemort stormed in. "Lucius, these re-writes of yours make no
sense, I don't have enough lines! Crucio!"

---ooo000ooo---

In the lighting booth
Hermione Granger leaned against one of the support stanchions and
shook her head in wonder.

"Who would have
thought that the Slytherins would be so into Musical Theater?"

"I would think it
would be obvious, I mean look at Draco." Luna said, from her seat
on Harry's lap. "If Hogwarts ever had a Diva, it's him."

"Is everything ready
for next week Love?" asked Harry.

"Oh yes, you are now
a fully credentialed journalist. Father sent over you press pass,
it's in the inside pocket of my robe." Her voice went throaty.
"Would you like to find it yourself?"

"No bother Love."
He reached inside her robe to get his prize.

Luna shuddered.
"OOOHH! That's not a pocket Harry, but don't let that stop you
from searching some more!"

"Will you two cut it
out before I turn a hose on you?" Hermione was delighted that
Harry had found love, but they did it everywhere, not caring who was
in the room. "Fine, your plan is coming together, but how does
this defeat Voldemort?"

"Harry is going to
hit him where it hurts, hurt him in ways Voldemort cannot even
imagine."

"Luna's right. The
Power the Dark Lord knows not? The Power of the Theater Critic!"
Harry smiled.

---ooo000ooo---

Omakes:

Well, not really, just
a collection of songs offered by others, but I didn't use.

donelsenheimer

Minerva!
I just
met a witch named Minerva!
And suddenly that name,
Will never
mean the same, to me!

Me again.

I like to be in a
Fan Fiction!
O.K. by me in a Fan Fiction!
Ev'ryone gets lines
in a Fan Fiction!
But no one get paid in a Fan Fiction!

RON
I
sometimes get laid in a Fan Fiction!

Don again, channeling
Guys and Dolls (which would be Wizs and Witches I guess)

What's the latest
magical movie?
I'll tell you what's the latest magical movie.
A
picture about a Ravenclaw wizard, falls in love with a Beuxbatons
girl
That he sacrifices everything and gives up his Stilton for
Brie,
That's the latest magical movie.

What's in the Daily
Prophet?
I'll tell you what's in the Daily Prophet.
Story about
a Gryph who emptied out his vault
Just to buy his wife a charmed
golden locket.
That's what's in the Daily Prophet.

What's
happening all over?
I'll tell you what's happening all
over.
Slytherin sitting home by a wireless set
That used to be
something of a rover.

That's what's happening all over.

Love
is the thing that has nipped them.
And it looks like Harry's just
another victim.

NEVILLE (spoken) Yes, sir!

When you see
a mage changing all of his ways
You can bet that he's doing it for
some witch.
When a Dark Lord's plans for domination are
canned
Chances are he's been tamed by a magical dame, as only
dames can.

When a Pygmie Puff rides a warlock's shoulder with
pride,
Easy enough to figure that wizard has got it bad.

Call
it said, call it funny,
But you can bet even money,
That the
wizard's only doing for some witch.

If a sorcerer sweats,
seeking tight abs and pecs
Make a bet that working out for some
hag.
When a timid Huff's battling dragons all night
Who the
hell would you say, has made him that way, all ready to fight?

When
a Canon's fan, gives up orange for tan
And his robes no long bear
logos of Quidditch teams.

Call it sad, call it fickle
Ah,
but you can bet every sickle
That the wizard's only doing it for
some witch
Some witch, some witch
The wizard's only doing it
for some witch!

And Don doing "The
Sound of Magic"

Fresh-potted
mandrakes and cauldrons that boil,
Pranks that embarrass Drake,
Crabbe and Goyle,
Beauxbatons witches in heels and
g-strings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Then KittycatGirl85 got
into the act:

The halls are alive
with the sound of magic
With songs they have sung for a thousand
years
The halls fill my heart with the sound of music
My magic
wants to cast every spell it hears

My magic wants to beat like
the wings of the birds
that rise from the spell of Avis
My
heart wants to sigh like a chime that flies
from the spell
Sonitus
To laugh like the Firsties when they trip and fall over
the trick step
stair
To work through the night on Potions while
pulling their hair

I go to Hogwarts when my heart is lonely
I
know I will hear what I've heard before
My heart will be blessed
with the sound of magic
And I'll sing once more

Then, predictably,
pathetically, I responded with:

How do you solve a
problem like Hermione?
How do you give a test that she can fail?

How do you solve a
problem like Hermione?

A know it all, she
never shuts up, she's pale…

Then Ed Becerra chimed
it with:

"The Hills are
Alive, with the Sound of Magic,
With Spells they have sung, for a
thousand years!
The hills fill my heart with the sound of Magic
My
wand wants to cast every spell I hear!"

and threatened us all
with "Maybe more later."

Chris LeBron returns us
to a West Side story libretto with:

"Nar-ci-ssa!
I
just met a witch named Narcissa!
And suddenly that name,
Will
never mean the same, to me!"

Then Don chimed in again
with a song From Bye Bye Voldie:

Gray skies are gonna
clear up,
Throw a good hex at Snape;
Brush off the clouds and
cheer up,
Throw a good hex at Snape.
Shake off that exploding
potion,
It's not your style;
You'll look so good that you'll be
glad
Ya' decide to smile!
Think of a painful prank now,
One
that makes fat from thin;
Conjur some nasty gall
stones,
Transfigure his balls to tin!
And spread sunshine all
over the place,
Just throw a good hex at Snape!

Followed by Don's
tribute to "The Music Mage"

Seventy-six Death
Eaters led the big attack
With a hundred and ten banshees close at
hand.
They were followed by boats and boats of the fiercest
lycantropes
The cream of ev'ry werewolf band.

Seventy-six
Death Eaters cast the fiercest spells
With a hundred and twelve
vampires right behind
There were more than a thousand
wraiths
Haunting every place
There was beasts of ev'ry shape
and kind.

There were angry giants whose every steps were
thundering,
Thundering, thundering all along the way.
Boggarts,
brownies, basilisks and mountain trolls,
Every troll having its
big, fat say!

Then Don offered up
Ron's solo from "A Hexux Line" (they can't all be gems)

Kiss my arse
goodbye,
The NEWTS all start tomorrow.
Wish me luck, it'll have
to do.
But I can't regret
How I lazed all term, how I lazed all
term.
Look my inkwell's dry.
My friends won't let me
borrow.
It's as if Hermione knew,
She won't let me forget, how
I lazed all term,
How I lazed all term.
Gone,
Semester's
come and gone.
When I get my grades,
Mum will long
remember.
Kiss my arse goodbye,
And point me t'ward the
muggles.
I did what I wanted to do.
Won't forget, can't
regret
How I lazed all term.

Twilliams1797 tried to
redeem us with is version of Voldemort, Dead Dark Lord…

Vol Da Mort
Dead
Dark Lord
Run Through and Gutted
By Harrys'
Sword

Voldemort
Dead Dark Lord
Was Tom Riddle, But Now
is
no more

And finally,
twilliams1797 with his version of America sung by Harry

I've just met a girl
named Her-mi-on-ee
I can tell, I can tell
she's the one for
me
her love of books,
her cur-i-os-it-y
she doesn't need
potions to get to me

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