ARGUS HAMILTON: Everything doesn’t stay in Vegas

Tuesday

Aug 1, 2017 at 12:01 AMAug 1, 2017 at 7:45 AM

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Dunkirk is a movie hit about the British Army’s heroic evacuation across the English Channel after the French Army collapsed before the German army in World War II. America’s own future was at stake in the conflict. If Hitler had won the war we would be German today, instead of Mexican.

USC football coach Clay Helton announced Saturday that O.J. Simpson will not be welcome at any USC Trojan football practices following his release in October after nine years in prison. It’s a valuable lesson to the players. What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas, until you get paroled.

ABC’s The View panel urged Rob Lowe to imitate White House adviser Anthony Scaramucci on Saturday Night Live in their further wish to sabotage the Trump administration. The whining will never end. Hollywood will accept that Donald Trump is our president the day Adele gets closure.

President Trump rose 5 points in job approval Friday despite his staffing chaos and Twitter storms. It’s very important to remember the No. 1 benefit that all Americans are enjoying from the Trump presidency. We haven’t heard a word about the Kardashians in over six months now.

Washington, D.C. news pundits reeled over President Trump firing Priebus, hiring Scaramucci, almost firing Jeff Sessions and hiring of General Kelly. It’s not as crazy as it could be. With all the turnover at the White House, Gary Busey’s resume’s getting closer and closer to the top of the pile.

President Trump hired John Kelly to run the White House Friday. So far Trump has fired the acting attorney general, his National Security advisor, FBI director, the White House chief of staff and communication director. Everyone agrees this is the wildest season of The Apprentice ever.

Vladimir Putin ordered the expulsion of 700 U.S. diplomats in response to President Trump slapping harsh sanctions on Russia, escalating military tensions. So if the U.S. and Russia go to war, North Korea’s nuclear arsenal certainly can’t do any harm. Trump is such a problem solver.

North Korea’s Kim Jung Un applauded the successful test-flight of another long-range missile Friday. Experts say by next year Kim could keep his promise to mount a nuclear warhead on top of an ICBM missile and land it in downtown Los Angeles. That could put over fifty U.S. citizens at risk.

Volkswagen’s German-born former U.S. chief of emissions compliance Oliver Schmidt told the judge he plans to plead guilty for falsifying VW emission data. It’s really bad. VW’s CEO called it the most embarrassing event in Volkswagen history, and this is a company that was founded by Hitler.

The University of Michigan released a worldwide survey to determine which nation is the most religious nation in the world, and the United States came in first place as the most religious. We were way out in front. Americans pray before every meal and even Muslims only pray five times a day.

Brut Men’s Toiletries conducted a nationwide sex survey to find out in which city do couples have sex in the shower most often and the winners were Chicago and Detroit. Eighty percent of adults in Chicago and Detroit said they’ve had sex in the shower. The rest haven’t been to prison yet.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.