How to Find the Love of Your Life in the Hunger Games

Writer’s note: This article is for satirical and humorous purposes only.

Now, the Hunger Gamesmay sound like a horrifying bloodbath, but don’t forget, you can also find love there! Of course, you could spend the whole games obsessing over the welfare of your family and nonsense like that, but why would you? You wouldn’t want to be worried about your sister when you have all these eligible bachelors and bachelorettes running around trying to kill you!

Tip #1: Appear Helpless

Don’t be afraid to cry a little or even get yourself gravely wounded to attract the gaze of that cute girl from District 12! After all, she’s helpless, too! You’re all helpless pawns of the Capitol. Take it from our man, Peeta!

Image via Shut Up and Watch the Movie

“I honestly have no survival skills whatsoever and the only thing I know how to do is decorate cakes,” he said cheekily as he tried to hold a stubborn Katniss’s hand. That’s right, sweetie! Play hard to get! “So, I painted myself like a rock and hoped that one day she would almost step on me. It worked!”

Tip #2: Get to Know the “Deep Stuff”

“He asked me what my favorite color was. I wanted to kill him for asking such a personal question but I told him it was green,” the Girl on Fire told us, with an edge of obvious love in her voice.

When we asked her what his was, she shrugged and said, “I don’t remember. I’ve had other things on my mind.” We understand, Katniss! Trying to start a family can be difficult, and a miscarriage can make that doubly so.

“I’ve tried most of these,” Peeta remarks casually while winking at his wife. “They seem to work.”

Katniss had no comment but the fire in her eyes revealed her passion for her husband.

Tip #4: Try to Kill Them Yourself

Why wait around for your crush to get injured so you can be their knight-in-shining-armor when you could just as easily wound them yourself and gain their affection?

The easiest way to do this is pretend that your crush is a member of a dangerous rebel group trying to bring down the Capitol. With the threat of civil war fueling your anger, do your very best to strangle your crush so that others are forced to sedate both you and her.

Image via MTV

The best part about this is now you both get to overcome your PTSD together!

“What is this interview about?” Katniss said. That girl! Such a kidder!

Tip #5: Use Kissing as Communication

Next time you’re around that much cuter guy that you should probably be with instead, let your lips do the talking (and I don’t mean with words). He says he wants to rebel against the capitalist government? Kiss him. He says he’s worried about you? Kiss him. You’ve just shot some random animal and want to celebrate? Kiss. Him.

“I did this with my best friend, Gale,” Katniss explains. “He loved it. It made Peeta jealous and I loved leading on two different boys at the same time. I mean, I wasn’t in love with either, really. Kind of like friendship with benefits.”

Tip #6: SCREAM

This is a tip our very own Katniss Everdeen prefers. With her overdose of PTSD, she often ends up screaming during random times or at random things, such as when she’s illegally hunting turkeys or yelling at her cat. This elicits a feeling of empathy in her squeeze, Peeta Mellark, who also suffers from PTSD but does so silently.

“Honestly, sometimes I’m not even screaming at anything. Sometimes I just scream when I’m bored and want someone to talk to. Someone always comes running.” She smiles slightly at her little joke. What a player!

Image via Pop Mythology

Opposites truly do attract! We sincerely hope that their life is filled with many blessings from the Capitol and without any of that rebellion nonsense the districts are going on about!