As Robbie Savage's long-overdue makeover highlights, there comes a point at
which every man must get a sensible haircut

Brace yourselves, lads. Robbie Savage, that famously golden-locked football pundit, has finally taken the plunge. Readers: his mane is no more.

In an unprecedented moment of self-awareness, he said: “I’ll be 40 soon, and, 25 years too late, I decided it was time to leave the 1980s behind.”

What caused Mr Savage to have this sudden, belated epiphany remains obscure. But his long-overdue snip highlights one important life lesson: that there comes a point where every man must have a sensible haircut.

It is a matter of debate whether footballers reach this tipping point later in life than other men, or whether they just think they do. Either way, the first example of footballing hirsute absurdity that comes to mind is the legendary Chris Waddle.

Apart from having one of football’s most amusing surnames, of course, the mullet that Waddle wore during Italia 90 – the last time England did not embarrass itself on the pitch – was one of the highlights of the tournament.

Nay, the highlight.

Chris Waddle at Italia 90 (Getty Images)

Never mind missing that penalty. When he finally took the scissors to his locks, which was after his 30th birthday, tears were shed.

Speaking of Italia 90, I would be remiss not to mention Carlos Valderrama, the flamboyant Colombian playmaker, memorable for his Fraggle-like golden afro. He retired the haircut in 2013.

“Just like football changes,” he announced on his Twitter page, “I changed my look also.” When he made this announcement, he was 52 years of age. Was this courage? Or idiocy? Is there a difference?

Unsurprisingly, the football world responded with grief and lamentation. One blogger, Declan Whooley, called the news “the saddest football story you will hear”.

“We are in a state of mourning,” he wrote. “But time is a great healer, and we will always have the memories.”

OK. It would be time-consuming – and a little cheap – to go through a comprehensive list of footballers with silly haircuts.

And it is generally regarded as cruel to mention the words “Wayne Rooney” and “transplant” in the same sentence, especially considering the fact that he is now officially rubbish.

So let me return to the point. Footballers do not have proper jobs, and thus can wear their hair however they like. But there comes a point where even those over-paid, dimwitted bladder-chasers must acknowledge that a silly haircut unmaketh the man.

The bad news is that for the rest of us, the window is narrower. Far narrower. Certainly, by the age of 40 all memories of a man’s experiments with outrageous hair must have faded, even from Facebook. Ideally, by 30. Even earlier, perhaps.

Jake Wallis Simons with "silly haircut"

My own silly haircut – shoulder-length hair, dyed platinum at the front – lasted only a matter of months, and was abandoned before my 20th birthday.