Thursday

bafturds.

monday night we went to Brighton Anti-Folk's The Ukelayle Research and Development Society, set up by the bobby mcgees and that amazing ukelayle player who busks. you can probably tell i wasn't in a great state then (i'm well now, thank you) so i really wanted to go out. it was a distinct cut above yer average open mike night, and i've never been so nervous before performing (chewing off my nails not having helped). things got worse - i asked to play their ukelayle and found that it was tuned different to how i've always had it. things just kept going wrong. i forgot to tell any jokes. my two songs were grace kellyblues (people reognised and nodded to), and girl in tha kid a top, which may well have been the first public performance. i fucked up a little bit on the polyrythymic section, getting confused and thinking i had to do the solo. it must have been pretty wierd to watch.after it finished, i was given some advice on ukelayle tunings by the man (who can't control his face when he's speed strumming), and we headed out, into the night, feeling fine again.

we were nearly home and i realised i'd left my guitar. it all came back.. how could i do that? it's like forgetting to leave food out for the cat. i felt awful, even when i woke up, right the way through until i picked it up the day after.

the most confusing thing about ollie, is that he'll happily scream 'killed yourself yet, you heartless bastard?' at me when given the opportunity down the phone, but walk straight past me on campus. call me conceited, but if someone has a bad opinion of me, then i consider their opinion invalid because i'm not a bad person (am i? i do consider people's opinions every time they here them. am i heartless? er, no. i was there for him but he turned me down). i figure at the moment, ollie's not actually angry with me, he just wanted to hurt me because it'll make him feel better about himself - he could call me and tell me he hated me anytime, and i see him all the time on campus, so he's not devoid of opportunites.the last thing he said to me (back on the 30th of november!) was 'you've really let me down as a friend'. funny how he changed his tack - when telling me i'm a let down didn't work (because i wasn't so i ignored him), the next 'safe' opportunity he gets to try and hurt me he just lets rip. again i ignore him. not that i feel completely unshaken, i admit.

however, i wasn't there, and i don't know what state he was really in. he will always have my deepest sympathies.