Sunday, March 3, 2013

When Do We Get OUR Little Girl?

I had a happier post planned for today, on the little "signs" from Morgan that make my day. But, after another announcement of, "It's a girl!", that post is on pause. Maybe tomorrow.

It's hard enough when every other pregnancy around me results in a happy, healthy take-home baby. It's worse when, almost every single baby has been a girl. Where's my little girl? Why did MY baby girl have to be the one to die?

It's hard to be happy for others without being sorry for myself. Just when I think things are going OK...WHAM!!! Something comes along to knock me down. For the most part, things are OK, I guess. I've adjusted pretty well to the constant sadness that Morgan's not here. But then, simple things like watching "Biggest Loser" bring up the huge, heaving sobs of inconsolable grief. Or, maybe it's because we're coming into the point where, this time last year, we found I was pregnant. I thought that after her due date and the holidays, that emotions would even out until my birthday and Morgan's birthday/death. I guess I'll be up and down through April, then again in July. When does it stop?

Wondering why 'Biggest Loser" made me cry? This season there was a contestant with an infant at home. When he got kicked off the show, they showed him at home with his son, about 6 months old. Simply put, the baby laughed. It was probably the first baby laugh I'd heard in a long time. That laugh represented EVERY. SINGLE. THING. we will never do with Morgan.