does this count as a journal?

photograph: prayers by johnny monahan

Sunday, January 22, 2017

This past weekend I drove down to Brian Head to meet Leta and snowboard. I didn't hear or know if snow was in the forecast but the roads seemed pretty clear and I wanted out of the valley of pollution. So I headed south and found smooth, clear roads. Going 80-85 mph I made it down a little before 9. When I turned off the Parowan exit I saw a Family Dollar store and stopped to pick up some snacks for the day on the mountain. The store was about to close so I found my time of arrival perfect. I spent a about 10 mins in the store, left and proceeded up the mountain to the resort. I passed signs that read snow chains required if lights are blinking. The signs remained unlit so I wasn't worried. As I continued to climb, snow was falling and less than 3 miles from my destination there was about an inch of snow on the ground. The cars ahead began to slow. Most pulled over with their hazard lights blinking . In my naivety and bravado I slowly passed the cars on my right and soon found my tires spinning with no traction. I was afraid and nervous that I'd be stuck or worse, start sliding. I pulled over the side of the road as the others had, turned on my hazards and called Leta. She quickly answered. I told her I was scared and stuck on the side of the mountain. She asked where I was and then said that she recognized my car ahead. "I'm gonna rescue you," she said. We made a plan to drive really slow down the mountain to park my car and then drive back up. I turned around cautiously, scared I'd slide off the side of the mountain but never did. I made my way down slowly and parked at the condos at the very bottom of the mountain. Two things were clear to me that evening. The distinct need/want to stop at the dollar store delaying my ascent and the fact that Leta had cell service at the time I called her. She had not had service most of the climb up. Those were tender mercies shown by the Lord.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

about every sunday i end up hanging out with one of my favorite families. i love it. sometimes dinner, always stories and most of the time delicious homemade chocolate chip cookies.

over a month ago i helped put six year old aj to bed. he was allowed one bedtime story and was advised by mom to offer up a good prayer. after i read the clever pop-up book 'winter's tale' we chatted a little and i kneeled at his bedside. aj wanted to continue chatting but i asked him to begin his prayer because my knees began to hurt against the wood floor. he quickly started praying (this is from my memory so it's not completely accurate).

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for this day.
Thank you for my family and friends and presents. (he just had a birthday. but here comes the good part.)

Please bless that North Korea will be a safe country some day...
and that they will have a good leader.

Please bless that my car won't get stolen. (he just got a power wheel from mom and dad)
Please bless that no robbers will come into anyone's houses. (i was dying and waited to hear more but not much else came.)

Friday, March 21, 2014

wow, it's been over a year, maybe two, since i've posted an entry. life has been good. i cannot complain. i've done a bit of traveling since my last post. however, there is a sense of boredom and a little space of emptiness in the activity as i have yet to find someone with whom i care to share the sights and experiences travel brings. the travel bug comes and goes and right now it has left me. trips will always arise and i'm thankful for that.

i've been doing a lot of exercise by way of triathlon training. in april i'll be racing for the first time in approximately 6 years. suffering from bunions has limited my ability to run. i don't complain too much as running is my least favorite portion of triathlon. swim training has been fun and necessary. i swim with a great group of people and really enjoy the coaches at the henderson multigeneration pool. i don't want to drown so the more comfortable i feel in the pool will hopefully mean i'm a bit more calm in the open water. i'm doing max testa training on the bike with some great athletes in town. it's been quite challenging but rewarding as well.

on a completely different note.. i listen to pandora with one earbud everyday at work. i have to keep the other ear free to hear my co-workers or answer the phone. katy perry and sting are my most listened to stations followed by the killers and temper trap. my favorite musical artist as of late is sara bareilles. i don't care if i sound creeperish but i think we could be kindred spirits. her music and lyrics are genius and beautiful. they are mostly about love, relationships, and heart break. but really, what song isn't? all i know is that she has to be either super sensitive or terrible at choosing her lovers. Her songs of heartache are so sad, deeply feeling and incredibly descriptive. but one song called 'the light' has really appealed to me. it's actually a positive one. and i love it right now because i feel it resembles my current state or more so the state i wish to be in. i'm ready to follow a righteous man into 'the light'... come what may. enjoy!

in the morning it comes, heaven sent a hurricanenot a trace of the sun but I don't even run from rainbeating out of my chest, my heart is holding on to youfrom the moment I knewfrom the moment I knew

you’re the air in my breath filling up my love-soaked lungssuch a beautiful mess intertwined and overrunnothing better than this, knowing that the storm can comeyou feel just like the sunjust like the sun

and if you say, “we’ll be alright”i'm gonna trust you, babei'm gonna look in your eyesand if you say, “we’ll be alright”i'll follow you into the light

never mind what I knew, nothing seems to matter nowooh, who I was without you, I can do withoutno one knows where it ends, how it may come tumbling downbut I'm here with you nowi'm with you now

and if you say, “we’ll be alright”

i'm gonna trust you, babe

i'm gonna look in your eyesand if you say, “we’ll be alright”i'll follow you into the light

let the world come rush income down hard, come crushingall I need is right here beside mei'm all love i swear it so take my love and and wear it over your shoulders

and if you say, “we’ll be alright”i'm gonna trust you, babei'm gonna look in your eyesand if you say, “we'll be alright”i'll follow you into The Light

Sunday, May 27, 2012

for the past 3 days i've been in and out of bed with a cold and flu. i have no idea where it came from as i haven't heard of anyone else having it. at first i thought it was just a bad bout of allergies, going from a more humid southern california for the hb conference and then back to desert dusty las vegas. i've thought of places i could have picked up the virus and just now i recall that one of the last times i've gotten this sick, i was also in a rental car driving hundreds of miles to a singles gathering. i have deduced that i need to sanitize my rental cars and go to these events loaded up on vitamins and hand sanitizer. or figure something else out.

i am more introspective and pensive when i'm sick. counting of sheep has never worked but this time thinking of how my ailing body works, specifically attempting to visualize how my mucus-obstructed lungs exchange oxygen into my blood as i breathe deeply, finally puts me to sleep. one of my last waking thoughts is one of awe and wonder. how could the human body possibly develop and come to be by chance?

thursday evening my body was aching all over. even behind my knees. i kept waking up, going to the bathroom and then struggling a bit to fall back asleep. when i couldn't take insomnia any longer, i asked Heavenly Father to please help me sleep. I begged him out loud promising that i wouldn't attempt to make it to duck, nc this weekend for another singles gathering. i felt a little tingle in my upper body and i was out.

yesterday i had a bit of energy to get out of the house and make a fun purchase at rei. their anniversary sale is going on and i've been meaning to pick up this solar charger for my emergency kit. it was on sale and i had my dividend to use so i made my way to the district at green valley and did a little shopping.

while in the car, i was listening to npr. they had a special on for this memorial weekend. veterans and people who had close interactions with people in the military were telling stories of their experiences. i found myself shedding tears while listening to a former p.o.w.'s torture and eventual release. the details of his words painted pictures in my mind that i'm certain could not have come close to his reality. his voice sounded like a gentle grandfather but he had been through hell and back. seeing fellow soldiers and p.o.w.'s killed right next to him and losing a close friend in his arms as he fed his emaciated body were a couple of things he shared.

these people were real. they were alive. some still are. i have not experienced anything like war and it is because of them. i am thankful for them. i am thankful for the men and women who serve in the military. i am humbled by their sacrifice and by their courage. i cannot fathom their griefs nor their struggles but i can honor them with my gratitude and allegiance to this blessed country. may we ever be worthy of God's blessings.

Saturday, April 28, 2012

this is my kickstand. it's a pain. when i first got my ride a few years ago, i had no idea how to work the kickstand. my friend j.l. needed to help me. because he wouldn't be around all the time, i had to watch youtube videos and practice on my own.

as long as i am not barefoot and have some sort of a sturdy sole on my feet i can work the kickstand. however, anytime i deploy the kickstand at a gas station i have a problem. cement + kickstand = embarrassing situation. there is not enough grip on either surface (metal or cement) to allow for the kickstand to pop back up when i forcefully push forward. so, i look like someone lunging or abruptly stalling when i'm done gassing up and try to retract the stand.

this evening was no different. i went to fill up at the station behind the M casino. when i was done refueling, i couldn't retract the stand. i kept scooting forward but the whole stand went along. to make matters worse, a harley pulled up for fuel at the other side of the same pump. i tried to hide behind the pump and still look somewhat normal as i tried and tried with quick forward thrusts to retract the stand. no luck. all along, the hog rider was watching me on the other side of the pump because as i turned around, i saw him grinning a big santa clause smile. his yellow bandanna and tattooed arms became less threatening with his smile. we exchanged a few words about the stand and the helped me shove off. i thanked him and got outta there as fast as i could. dang kickstand.

Friday, January 13, 2012

i have a new found respect for humanity. i think that in general, people are good, lenient, and compassionate. i have seen glimpses of the qualities i believe our Maker would possess... and why not? why would we not have within us the goodness, mercy, justice, and light of our Creator?

it was more apparent to me after serving on a jury for the past 6 days. 14 people (2 alternates) of different backgrounds, races, socioeconomic status, etc. were chosen to serve as jurors. all had empathy and showed it in their own way. i was appreciative of their examples. nobody seemed to judge the other. all were friendly.

but what struck me the most was how difficult it was for us to find a man guilty of a serious and grievous crime...(guilty or not so much) of first degree murder. the burden of doing so weighed heavy on each of us. many erred on the side of caution for the obvious reason of wrongful conviction but some hoped for a better outcome/chance for the defendant. so we wanted to be extra sure before making a final decision. tears were shed and great emotion was expressed in deliberation. consideration was shown toward a person none of us knew but felt a sadness for, a man found guilty.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

i dream a lot. everyone does. but i often remember my dreams for a short while after. the bothersome thing i am finding is that the feelings and emotions i experience while dreaming seem to spill over into my reality after awaking from them.

when i was married i recall having a dream where i became frustrated with my husband at the time. when i awoke from that dream i shared it with him and continued or began to act in frustration toward him. i now cannot remember the details of the dream but my reaction to it was wacky.

more recently i have had strange dreams that have left me puzzled. extremely puzzled. i have dreamed of pregnancy. i have never had dreams of pregnancy before. in the past i have had dreams of a little girl and a baby boy who i knew were mine but never about being pregnant with them. so at present, as a single mormon without any children nor courting suitors, i find it strange to be having these dreams.

the first dream about it also included a hysterectomy or the removal of a vital part of my reproductive plumbing. after having that dream i immediately made a long overdue appointment for a yearly exam. that dream concerned me a little. the second time i dreamt about it is very foggy but i know that i was pregnant. my feelings were of acceptance, and contentment. nothing overly excited nor shocked.

so i started looking up what dreams of pregnancy mean and they seem to be positive. i don't know how much to really believe what i read but essentially they mean bringing things, ideas, maybe even feelings to life. and i like that. what is it inside of me that i'm trying to give birth to? what is it inside of me that i want to grow and develop? i have yet to figure that out. but i can say that i am glad that i dream. i am glad that i can and am being encouraged to grow, develop, and learn.