Dating Maze #300: Reaching a Plateau

He’s growing Jewishly and his life is in flux. Does that rule out dating for marriage?

Two years ago, I ended a three-year relationship. This woman and I were both Jewishly involved, but neither of us was interested in religious life. However, after our break-up I took a good look at myself and decided that I wanted a more spiritual connection. I started eating kosher and keeping Shabbat. I also gave serious thought to what I wanted in a marriage partner and decided to put off dating for a bit. I wanted to get a better sense of how I wanted to grow Jewishly before focusing on marriage.

For the next year and a half, while I finished graduate school, I also concentrated on learning more about Judaism. I decided that the next step in my growth was to study Torah in Israel, which I have been doing for the past few months. My growth during this time has been quite invigorating, but in terms of dating it has put me in a state of flux. The more I learn, the more I realize there is to learn. I just don’t feel like I’ve reached a point where I can take a step back and see exactly where I have landed.

The consequence of all this is that I've put off dating even more.

I understand that I will probably continue to grow and develop spiritually throughout my life. But I also know that there will come a point when I will be more firmly grounded and ready to start dating for marriage. My question is: How do I know when I am at that point?

Ron

Dear Ron:

As you have suggested, most men and women who decide to become more Jewishly observant discover that they're only at the start of a lifelong journey. They may never have imagined that there are so many areas in which to grow and develop as a person. They also want to grow in their commitment to and understanding of Judaism before making permanent life choices about a marriage partner. This ongoing process can be as overwhelming as it is fascinating, and one of the most frequent questions asked is, "How do I know when I've reached the point in my growth that I'm ready to start dating for marriage?"

Clearly, before re-entering the dating maze, you will need to reach some plateau in the direction you'd like to continue to grow. This has two aspects: what we call emotional maturity and religious maturity. It takes time to integrate a new “Jewish” lifestyle into one’s life and to truly make it a natural part of yourself. There’s so much change taking place, with so many new experiences to process and habits to integrate, that it takes a while to really figure what is “you” and what isn't.

Besides your new thought patterns and behaviors, you will also need to clarify basic issues such as what kind of a Jewish home you want to have, what type of community you wish to settle in, and even the basic issue of whether you will ultimately decide to live in Israel or America.

Your journey will inevitably include some twists and turns in the path.

There is no hard and fast answer to this question, but we can give you some helpful guidelines. One of the most important criteria that should be in place before dating for marriage is to know the general direction you want your life to take, and to have a reasonable idea of the path you’ll use to get there. You'll also need to be somewhat flexible, because that journey will inevitably include a few adjustments as you encounter some twists and turns in the path.

Even though you began to become more observant two years ago, with your intensive experience in Israel, it sounds as if you're still in the "steep learning curve" stage of the process. You're still learning some of the basics of Jewish observance, as well as some of the textual foundations for Jewish law, history and thought. It takes time to integrate these new ideas and information, and while it may seem a bit overwhelming at first, you'll gradually acquire more knowledge and more clarity about yourself. Surely there are many who have been down this road before who can give you encouragement, guidance and advice during this process. If you haven't yet found a mentor who you can turn to with many of the questions you have, we recommend you do so.

In time, you won't feel as overwhelmed with new information and choices, and you are likely to find yourself gravitating to a direction that you feel comfortable pursuing. You'll have a better idea of where you can see yourself (in terms of religious growth and where you would like to be in other areas of your life) in six months, in a year, and in five years. Your growth in these areas will also help you gain a new perspective about your character traits, and you may decide to work on developing some of them in a way that will help you become the kind of husband you want to be. As you gain clarity in these areas, you'll be able to figure out what qualities you're looking for in a marriage partner.

That's when you'll be ready to start dating.

It may be a matter of several more months before you feel that you reach this point, but don't be discouraged if it takes another year or more. It's better to start when you're ready, than to succumb to pressure you may feel because you think you should be married at your age; or because other people you know are getting married; or because you feel lonely and want to find a partner with whom you can build a Jewish home. We've seen what happens when someone starts dating too early in the ba'al teshuva (newly-observant) process before they've had time to gain a basic understanding of Jewish observance, figure out the direction they want to take, and feel secure about their worldview and lifestyle. It can add unnecessary confusion to an already confusing dating process, and can cause unnecessary complications further down the road if either partner later makes a major shift in what they want out of life.

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About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 4

(4)
other Ron,
January 28, 2010 9:10 AM

wow, this reflects my current issues as well

A very inspirational letter and response, and how coincidental: I'm also named Ron and I've had the same problem: I started observing shabbat and kashrut 3 years ago. I kept on dating and I didn't realize why it failed. 6 months ago I decided to take a step back and asking myself what I really wanted. It turned out that I tried to simultaneously hold on to my prior lifestyle while also trying to be an observant jew. Now I feel comfortable with my choices and realize that I should stop dating at my university, etc., and that I should focus on girls that are not only observant, but around my level of spiritual growth, or just a tad ahead. It took a while, but now I know why I was never comfartbale in discos. Hang in there Ron, and take your time; dating will get better once you know what you want. Apparantly we're both not the type to date for the sake of dating. Keep your eyes open just in case, but I agree with Rosie & Sherry. I hope we both find our beshert when the time is ready

(3)
Feigele,
January 24, 2010 12:11 AM

The Universe is the Limit!

Tell it to all the rabbis and all the religious people who married and continue to get married and have children while studying and improving their knowledge of the Bible or any other matters...because, there is no end in learning it all and one lifetime is not enough for anyone. Maybe they should also wait...G-d didn't intend for us to wait but to multiply.

(2)
AF,
January 21, 2010 10:45 PM

Wise to take their advice and wait to date

It would be foolish to marry before you know yourself. rrTorah learning is lifelong but knowing the values where one won't compromise is too important to work out after marriage if at all possible. if one grows up in frum home and it works for him/her than no need to wait but for someone undergoing growth at this level it's so very different than studying law ,medicine ,business etc. wisdom gained in those areas will not result in a change of priorities.

(1)
Feigele,
January 20, 2010 1:25 AM

Start Today not Tomorrow!

Why wait and miss your opportunities to meet someone who would accept you the way you are? There is no set time to start dating unless you just don’t feel like dating. You would have more chances by meeting more women than just wait an eternity to start dating, who knows how many years. Why not take the journey together with a partner who is willing and ready to do so with you. And maybe also, if you have children, take it with them too, it would be so much more rewarding. Studying Judaism is like doctors, lawyers or anyone married while they are still going to school. So why not you? You are not different. As for “complications further down the road if either partner later makes a major shift in what they want out of life”, this happens with any other marriages, not more not less. Sure, you have to make many decisions, where to live, where is your job, etc. but so does everyone else who is married with children. Take the plunge! Stop thinking.

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I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...