Looking for Something?

“First of all, fuck you for trying to conflate yourself with the state, you bloated old bastard. If America wore golf pants, she’d sure as shit pull ‘em off better than you do.” https://t.co/Owclhi2D6T

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

Secretary of State

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

Secretary of DefenseChief of StaffNational Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

Secretary of Health and Human Services

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

Director of Communications

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

Speaker of the House

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

The GOP has Gone Full Klansman, and Steve King is HERE FOR IT.

I tell you folks, the bungling incompetence and pathetic dishonesty I can handle, but the hatred? Some days, the hatred wears me out. I’m getting mighty tired of living in Eli Roth’s unproduced Pleasantville sequel, is all I’m sayin’.

Looks like John Bolton is finally flexing his mustache, er, “muscles,” doing those crazy John Bolton things you we always knew John Bolton would do. Pulling the United States out of a nuclear disarmament treaty? Jesus Tittyfucking Christ, Trump + Bolton is like giving a bunch of howler monkeys speed and turning them loose in a chemistry lab. Anyhow, I dare you to watch Dr. Strangelove tonight. Or if you’re feeling really brave, Fail-Safe.

We keep hearing about Bodacious Bob Mueller circling Roger Stone, talkin’ to all his friends, rummaging through his underwear drawer looking for cigarettes and porn. Rog insists he’s done nothing wrong, and that he’d certainly never roll over on his dear and loyal friend, Mr. Trump! Me, I see that, and I grin, because I remember Manafort saying the same things once upon a time. And Gates.

Oh, didja see where some Russian woman got charged with fuckin’ around with the midterms? HO HUM. Wouldn’t it be cool if we had a government that, I dunno, tried to protect the nation from foreign attacks? I think that’d be cool.

The cover-up of Jamal Khashoggi’s horrific murder (and DISMEMBERMENT) is going…shockingly badly, when you realize the collaborators include one of the wealthiest families in the world and the President of the United States.

“Oh, it was crazy. Everybody was Kung-fu fighting. Honestly the guy chugged a bottle of tequila and started cutting himself up with the bonesaw. Anyway, we dressed somebody up in his clothes and had him walk out for the cameras, as one typically does in such situations.” I’m not sure what’s most cringeworthy, that the Saudis would attempt such obvious bullshit, or that the President of the United States and his henchmen would work so hard to sell it.

Meanwhile, the President’s shift manager, Vladimir Putin, gave a little speech celebrating the decline of American hegemony, which he pulled off for the low low price of Ordering Pizzas and Mountain Dew for a Handful of Tech Nerds Sitting in Cubicles Trolling Idiots on Facebook. “The Cold War coulda ended years ago, if we’d only thought sooner to weaponize our foe’s most ubiquitous natural resource: morons,” said Vlad, before laughing nonstop for 11 hours.

(I’m not sure WHY. We told them we hated these things. We were…actually pretty damn vocal about it. But here we are.)

Backed into a corner and lacking other options, the entire institutional Republican Party seems to have shrugged, and said, “Well, dance with who brung ya, even if it was NAKED WHITE NATIONALISM that brung ya.” She’s a cheap date; all she wants is a little blood.

So, ummmm…to be honest, the rest of the news is basically just HATE. It’s not my favorite thing, to do a This Week in Hate round-up, but, well…these are the times in which we live. Lucky us.

Nancy Pelosi went down to Florida for an event, and she encountered some “protesters,” though they were not of the “let’s knit hats and make signs” variety, but more of the “far-right violent gang” ilk. Yes, it turns out the local Republican chapter decided to team up with the Proud Boys, who you may remember from their recent act of street violence in New York.

So what we have here, and let’s not mince words, is GOP officials literally partnering with terrorists. Immediately after their most publicized act of terrorism to date. Cool.

And allllllll the Republicans who’ve used every available moment of camera time to offer stern lectures on civility are stone silent on the Proud Boys, aren’t they? And when Tangerine Idi Amin praises a violent criminal for assaulting one journalist even as he orchestrates a cover-up of the murder of another, why, he isn’t inciting violence, he’s just playfully joking around, isn’t that right, Steve Scalise? Spare me.

Boy, Steve King keeps testing the boundaries of decency, doesn’t he? Seems Steve-O took a little Austrian vacation and sat down with a far-right website for a little chat about white supremacy, NEAT. This demented old fucker’s gonna start slipping earmarks into spending bills, making sure his Iowa district is first in line for the new concentration camp construction. Some folks wonder why Republicans don’t censure or expel King. I’ll you why, they’re planning on making him the next Speaker of the House. Dance with who brung ya.

As if to demonstrate that they haven’t lost their flair for vileness, the Shart Administration is toying with altering some bureaucratic language here and there to formally dehumanize transgender Americans, and strip them of civil rights protections.

It’s this administration in a nutshell; telling th’Base, hey, we can’t keep our promises to bring back manufacturing jobs or improve your health care or repair your infrastructure…what we CAN do is hurt people. People who are different than you.

Nobody benefits from this shit. Nobody becomes richer, or safer, or healthier, or happier. It simply serves to send a little malicious thrill down the spines of the sort of people who enjoy inflicting suffering on others.

And of course, Government Cheese Goebbels himself has desperately lashed his immediate political future to the migrant caravan moving through Mexico. To hear him tell it, this congregation of desperate people seeking a better life is full of MS-13 and ISIS and ebola and those irritating guys who play guitar in sandwich shops, and it’s coming to YOUR TOWN.

On the one hand, it’s a pathetic gambit…on the other, one must admit this Walking Colon Tumor fear-mongered himself all the way to the White House.

Yeah, Donnie Two-Scoops is gettin’ nervous. He knows what a Democratic-controlled House means. And lacking any actual accomplishments, well, he’s just makin’ shit up. The Big Dumb Wall is almost built, and they’re rioting in California, and the arms deal with Saudi Arabia generates so fuckin’ many jobs, we’re gonna need every American to work part-time in a munitions factory to meet the demand! Oh, and Republicans are just about to deliver a big fat tax cut even though, y’know…that is not a thing that is happening, and Congress isn’t even in session.

Meanwhile, WaPo reports Circus Peanut Sydney Greenstreet’s rallies are more of a retreat than anything else. If it feels like Lil’ Man Shart is avoiding major metropolitan areas where he’s unpopular because he’s frightened of protesters, well…that’s because he is. And even though he acts like he’s selling out football stadiums, he’s really working in smaller venues than he used to. Look, if getting 6,000 people in Buttfuck, Ohio is the qualifier, then the Little River Band could be President.

So he’s touring Appalachia diners, stirring up…

…y’know what? Fuck hate. Fuck these hateful people and their bullshit, vapid, bigotry. I’m not leaving y’all like this, you deserve better. Let’s wrap up with some GOOD news, okay?

Because we’ve got people CAMPING OUT TO VOTE in this country right now. CAMPING OUT. Not for a new iPhone, not for concert tickets, but to exercise their right to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS!

And do you remember Danny O’Connor from the the special election in the Ohio 12th? Well, without the undivided attention of the entire Republican donor class, his opponent, Troy Balderson, looks more vulnerable than ever! Help Danny out if you can!

Looking for Something?

“First of all, fuck you for trying to conflate yourself with the state, you bloated old bastard. If America wore golf pants, she’d sure as shit pull ‘em off better than you do.” https://t.co/Owclhi2D6T

Vice-President

Mike Pence is the Patron Saint of Mediocre White Dudes, and the Roman God of Failing Upwards.

A Democrat in his youth, Pence, like many men of limited intelligence, turned to religious conservatism for the convenience of being able to end arguments by claiming God shares his every fear and prejudice, while forgiving his every shortcoming, how convenient.

Secretary of State

Secretary of the Treasury

Steve Mnuchin, like his namesake, the Noise You Make When You’re Dry Heaving After Getting Food Poisoning From Eating Truck Stop Gas Station Roller Hot Pockets on a Road Trip, is deeply unpleasant, and may result in the involuntary voiding of foul-smelling bodily fluids.

Secretary of DefenseChief of StaffNational Security Advisor

Holy shit, there are Generals all over the place these days, aren’t there?

Retired General James Mattis serves as Secretary of Defense. Retired General John Kelly ran Homeland Security for a bit, before becoming the Lead Executive Branch Babysitter, excuse me, Chief of Staff. H.R. McMaster’s the National Security Advisor, and hell, he’s still on active duty.

Attorney General

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, third generation of his family to carry the name of a Confedarate piece of trash and also a second Confederate piece of trash, is living his dream. As Velveeta Goebbels’ Attorney General, he’s turning back the clock to a time when women and minorities knew their place, and mediocre white dudes like himself got to run everything, even if they weren’t especially bright.

Secretary of Commerce

When a witch’s curse transformed his master into a Beast and his fellow servants into household objects, Wilbur Ross became a decorative garden gnome. Unlike the rest of his compatriots, he ventured out into the world to make his fortune in the realm of shady international finance and money laundering, and when True Love’s Kiss lifted the curse, Wilbur was too far away for the enchantment to reverse, and thus he remains trapped in gnome form forever.

Secretary of Health and Human Services

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development

Dr. Ben Carson is only in politics because he was rude President Obama to his face. At the 2013 National Prayer Breakfast, a traditionally non-political event, Dr. Ben, having been invited as the keynote speaker, decided to use his time to shit on the President and his policies.

Secretary of Education

Betsy DeVos is what happens when bored white ladies have enough money to really fuck shit up. Turns out, if you’re born rich and marry richer, you don’t have to settle for a book club, you can buy yourself a whole cabinet department!

Administrator of the EPA

Scott Pruitt, like a lot of boys his age, grew up watching Captain Planet cartoons. Unlike most boys his age, he decided that the various sludge-smog-and-toxic-waste-slinging villains were the role models for him.

Ok, fine. Pruitt is ten years too old to have grown up on Captain Planet, but fuck you, that’s a good opening paragraph. Make your own fucking website, you don’t like it.

Senior Advisor/Son-in-Law

Jared Kushner was born on third base and thinks he invented baseball.

Jared’s dad, Charles Kushner, went to jail for tax evasion, illegal campaign donations, and, ahem, “witness tampering,” by which I mean he set his brother-in-law up with a hooker (not, I’m sad to report, of the Pissing Russian variety) and recorded their genital-smushing in order to blackmail him.

Director of Communications

White Supremacist Multi-Tool

Kris Kobach is like the protagonist of the white supremacist version of one of those Disney movies where a kid learns to chase his dreams, no matter how big. The kid gets tired of the monotonous grind of burning crosses on just one lawn at a time, and dreams of burning a cross big enough for the whole dang country!

Maybe he has a talking/singing Confederate flag for a sidekick. Named “Bedford.”

Roving Freelance Fascist

As seen in the famed documentary RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, when the Ark of the Covenant was opened on an uncharted island north of Crete, the burning light that issued thereof reduced the Nazi soldiers present to piles of ash and molten flesh. In time, the rains washed the fascist bio-goo into the island’s sewage system, where it mixed with the shit and piss and used tampons and such, and in time it congealed, took the shape of a man (albeit an unattractive one), slapped on a pair of glasses, and Sebastian Gorka was formed.

Speaker of the House

Senate Majority Leader

Many years ago, Gamera was following the Grateful Dead on tour, and engaged in a brief-but-life-affirming affair with an Ohio River ‘gator that hung around Ma McConnell’s pig farm, picking off runts for sustenance. Nine months later, young Mitch emerged from a leathery egg, and devoured his fellow hatchlings, beginning his life-long love affair with hurting children.

Hey there Cap – thanks for another doze of zany to get me through. I could only take two minutes of The Mooch Dance, and even then, I listened without the sound. Maybe he could get a job at the new Stabrucks near Gallaudet – just for comic relief.

And Buttfuck, Ohio is my hometown, it’s near Crabcrotch, just south of Fumundacheeze !!

Hey Cap – thanks for another addition of your brain droppings to keep me sane. I could only take 2 minutes of the Mooch Dance, and I listened to it without sound. He could always get a job at the new Starbuck’s near Gallaudet, just for comic relief. The Deaf need to laugh some too.

And Buttfuck, Ohio is my home town (actually Cleveland, but it’s been called worse), it’s just south of Crabcrotch, near Fumundacheeze.