Nuke the whole bunch

“Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity or incompetence” — Hanlon’s Razor

Whenever I hear about a “government conspiracy,” I trim most of the fat of fallacy with the aforementioned “razor” above. Rarely, though, does the criteria of “conspiracy theory” ever lead itself to the trough of just simple old-fashioned horse sense. Is it an inconvenient truth that some of the “true believers” of UFO-ology are Harvard-educated liberals who declaim that the government is keeping the lid on the truth about illegal immigrants from outer space? Unfortunately, these Ivy League Illuminati also consider re-runs of “The X-Files” as a documentary.

Ostensibly, why then are the majority of alien abduction accounts that are cited as the truth of proof for extraterrestrials invariably sourced to a morning-after hangover parable by some inbred redneck with a seventh-grade education from Coon Holler, Ark.? Folks, how big does the cow pie have to be before you step in the B.S.? Please apply the above criteria of Hanlon’s Razor against the next two statements and then ask your horse if they make any sense.

“Twenty-five percent of my people believe the Pentagon and Rumsfeld were responsible for taking the Twin Towers down.” — Rep. Collin Peterson (D-Minn.) July 27, 2009.

Please note, if you walked down any given city street in Collin Peterson’s district, then every fourth Democrat is a certifiable moron. If the Pentagon and Rumsfeld were able to secretly and successfully engineer 9/11, all without a prior single leak, then could someone please explain why Rummy and the military wouldn’t also plan to kill any and all truthers in 9/11’s aftermath to prevent “the truth” from public dissemination as part of their nefarious gambit of global domination?

Oogedy-boogedy.

Truther “logic” further infers that Rummy got together one afternoon with his malicious generals over cigars and goblets of baby’s blood and said, “Hey! I’m PMS-ing today! Let’s kill a bunch of innocent civilians in downtown NYC in order to start a couple of ground wars with the Muslims just so we can lose against them!”

“I do believe that in the first time in history [9/11] that fire has ever melted steel” — Rosie O’Donnell March 29 2007.

Rosie O’Donnell believes that fire has never melted steel before 9/11? Wow! That’s like saying Rosie O’Donnell never wrestled a refrigerator to the ground and made it holler, “Uncle!” Considering Rosie’s estimable education in metallurgy and her public exposition of her expertise on national TV, could one then reasonably conclude that she is both stupid and incompetent?

Meanwhile, the gamut of 9/11 truthers runs from the political zenith of gamesmanship by former U.S. Democrat Sens. Max Cleland and Bob Kerrey’s catcalls for a “permanent 9/11 Commission” to the intellectual black hole of Janeane “9/11 was an inside job!” Garafalo’s cranium. Other truther troopers include the ever fatuously flubber-licious filmmaker Michael Moore, both New York Democrat Sens. Kirsten Gillibrand and Chuck Schumer, Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vt.), Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-Ohio), and Philip J. Berg.

Lifelong Democrat Philip J. Berg, however, does deserve special mention. He is not only a blue-blooded Clintonista truther, he is also the grandfather of the Obamanation birther movement! Phil Berg possesses the unique distinction of being an extra-cheese, all-spam truther patty from the super-sized conspiracy theory menu. Oddly, the only other guy that currently shares this hyperventilated happy meal distinction is Lou Dobbs!

Celebrity birthers, unfortunately, haven’t had as much airtime to compete with their inbred political cousins of goofy truth-iness so their ranks don’t possess the A-list Hollywood star power of stoner/truther Tommy Chong. You know, whenever I want the straight dope on the issues that are really important to the American people I always ask the hippie ex-felon with the bong in his hand, don’t you?

So far, though, the sexiest “celebrity” creatures from the birther lagoon are Alan Keyes and crooner Pat Boone. Shoobee-doobee-do! It just sends a shiver up your leg, doesn’t it? And while truthers may count rapper, wife-beater and Obamamaniac Eminem among their minions, the birthers do have a Costco-sized can of red-white-and-blue whupass from the likes of Chuck Norris waiting in the wings to bust a move on Mr. Mathers’ dome after the show. Chuck Norris doesn’t take showers … he takes blood baths!

Personally, I’m not interested in whether or not the Teleprompter-in-Chief produces a birth certificate. I guess we’ll never really see those papers until after Obama opens his presidential library in Nairobi. It is also my belief that Obama would not swing the scythe of liberal socialism into the heart of the American experience maliciously.

As adequately explained by Hanlon’s Razor, however, he is more likely to cleave a path to it by way of his unstudied stupidity and clumsy incompetence while blaming somebody else in the advent of his arrogant taxpayer-funded failures.

Steve Breen is shopping a new Broadway show, “Truthers vs Birthers: The Musical” and is still “the best looking mailman at the U.S. Post Office.” He can be reached at dulcamarax@yahoo.com.