I am fully aware that online dating requires effort and that I’m not going to find someone overnight, but the last two weeks have left me shaking my head and asking why bother? I know there must be some nice guys on there somewhere, I’ve had friends who’ve found a few of them, but that whole ‘you have to kiss a lot of frogs’ saying? I’d be happy with even a frog at this point. All I’m finding are a lot of ticks. I deserve something that isn’t a parasite… even if I did squeal when I found our old family microscope in the basement. (Yes, we had a family microscope. What part of ‘nerd’ do you not understand?)

Perhaps I’m being harsh, but so far the only thing this whole online dating thing has resulted in is a gigantic headache. Apparently that’s what happens when you repeatedly bang your head on the keyboard. Is it really that hard for people to take 30 seconds to think before they send a message? Am I asking too much that perhaps they actually look at my profile before they copy and paste the same message they’ve sent to the last 385, 294 women who’ve signed up after them? Should I just create a profile with no pictures or words because they obviously don’t look at them?

In an effort to at least feel like I’m not wasting my time, I have a few suggestions for the guys who may be looking at my profile (or not looking at, just messaging it as the case may be).

1. I’m married but there’s certain things my wife just can’t give me. We’ve discussed an open relationship but she’s not comfortable with that idea so I’m looking for a discreet person for an affair. Here’s your discretion: I am not linking to your actual profile. Count your lucky stars on that one. While I’m not one to judge someone for what they do (or don’t do) behind closed doors, you are asking a complete stranger to help you cheat on your wife. If you have an open relationship or your wife has given you the okay to look elsewhere for a certain act she doesn’t enjoy, then carry on your business. By your own admission, that is not the case. You are a lying, cheating scumbag and I hope your wife crazy glues your balls to your ass. I’d do it but there’s no way I’m getting that close to you.

And if I don’t respond within a week, don’t message me again and ask if I’ve had a chance to think about your offer. I thought about it, rejected it, and had a long shower while I tried to wash the dirty off. Thanks, but HELL NO!

2. I’d like to [insert explicit sexual act here] to/with/on you. There are sites where you can find what you’re looking for. Yes, there are even people on this site which are also looking for that but all it takes is 10 seconds of looking at my profile to know that I’m not that person. Perhaps mass-spamming every girl about how great your obviously tiny penis would feel doing [insert ‘taboo’ desire here] has worked for you in the past, but don’t get all fake hurt when I don’t respond and start calling me mean names. I’m not a prude, I just don’t feel the need to list my preferred sexual acts on a message to random strangers who clearly aren’t looking for that sort of information!

3a. Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really? Your very first message to me is a purposely misspelled, over-exclamated (I’m determined to make this a word because the online world needs it), one-work introduction?

3b. Anything with more spelling and grammatical errors than an LOLcat picture. This is how you decide to introduce yourself to me? U R kNot a 14 yrz gurl!!!! I understand spelling mistakes happen and I’m willing to overlook occasional comma-misuse because I know I’m guilty of both of these but there is a limit. My profile clearly indicates that I read, that I enjoy relatively intelligent conversation, and I’m a nerd. You think the way to interest me in you is to put in so little effort to your message that my computer has a red squiggle under every single word? If you can’t be bothered to at least seem semi-intelligent, then I can’t be bothered to waste my time by responding. It’s a simple equation.

4. I only have one picture… and there’s five guys in it. I understand it’s online dating and we all want to put our best foot forward. I’m not about to put up that photo of me after a night of partying where I look like I took a ride through the tumble-dryer or the 3,000 one which emphasises exactly how large my tummy is, but my photos clearly show who I am. Maybe you think you look really good in that picture of you with your buddies, but then crop it so I know which one is you. You’re all attractive but I can’t help but wonder if you’ve put up a picture you’re in or a picture you took.

5. I have no interest in meeting/dating you, but I just wanted to let you know that I thought your profile was awesome/funny. You seem like you’d be a nice person to know. I got this message… twice. And not from the same person. Um, thanks? I know I should just take it as a compliment that they think online me is awesome/funny and move on, but for the love of Quantum Physics, why did they feel the need to send it with the disclaimer ‘I want nothing to do with you as a person’? At least they both started with the disclaimer so I didn’t get my hopes up before getting knocked down. For future reference, gentlemen, unless you’re ending the message with “want to get together some time” or “I know your profile says dating but would you be interested in getting together just as friends”, I don’t want to hear it. I get enough compliments from my mom that I don’t need your pity compliments. (But I do give you points for actually reading my profile.)

6. You look like my mom. Would you like to meet up? SERIOUSLY? I can’t even. Don’t you have a motel you should be running right now, Norman?

7. OHMYGOD, I LOVE DOCTOR WHO TOO!!!!! I’VE NEVER MET SOMEONE WHO LIKES DOCTOR WHO!!! You’re online and you’ve never met someone who likes Doctor Who? Are you joking? Because the rest of your message sounds like you’re not joking. Look, it’s great that you love Doctor Who, all the smart people do, but I don’t think you understand how the internet works. The internet is filled with people who get me and my dorky ways, so if you don’t get the internet then we’re not going to work in the long run.

8. I’m allergic to cats but I think that once you get to know me, you’ll be willing to change your desire to always have a cat. You think that one date with you and I’ll be willing to write off my two cats that are almost 10 years old? One enchanting evening in your company and I’ll give my two self-cleaning bed warmers the boot? One afternoon of tiptoeing through the tulips hand-in-hand and I’ll send my two continuous-love-giving fuzzballs to an already overcrowded SPCA? There is a reason why I mention my cats on my profile. There is a reason why I say that if you hate cats or are allergic you should just keep moving. I love my cats. I’ve had them since my last cat (which I got when I was four) passed away. No. No amount of getting to know you is going to make me choose you over my cats. Now, move along. (But points for actually reading my profile.)

9. I think we have a lot in common. Except we don’t. Unless you’ve totally lied about your interests on your profile. The closest I come to finding something in common is that you like UFC and I like hockey. They’re both sports. Oh my Invisible Space Pickle, it’s like we’re twins! Not every thing I love or enjoy is listed on my profile so I get that it’s probably the same with you, but when my list of TV shows reads like a day at Comicon and your list of TV shows reads like you’ve had a frontal lobotomy (Wife Swap? SERIOUSLY?!) I don’t think there’s much chance for any of our interests overlapping.

10. I’d like to talk to you about Jesus. Please don’t. I don’t know if this falls into the ‘didn’t read profile’ or ‘read profile and is praying for my soul’ category but either way, just don’t. Would you go onto the profile of someone who identifies as Jewish and tell them that? No? Then don’t do it for me just because I’m an atheist. I was raised in a Catholic household, I attended church, I even fell asleep and started snoring during a Latin Mass which is a rite of passage for Catholics everywhere, there is no argument you can make about religion that my aunts and uncles haven’t made me suffer through during a family dinner. I don’t send you messages that start with “I’d like to talk to you about Carl Sagan” so please do the polite thing and leave your faith on your profile.

Despite all my negativity in this post, there have been a few interesting conversations and messages which I may be pontificating about on here in the future. In the meantime, I can’t help but worry that perhaps Tree Lobsters! is right about my future.

Sadly, that sounds about right.

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Wow, it sounds like you’ve had the opportunity to interact (however one-sided) with a bunch of doozies…but I snorted more than once because your stories/storytelling are hilarious…it’s just unfortunate they’re not fiction.

If it makes you feel any better, even men you meet ‘the old fashioned way’ can be just as awful in person as the men you mentioned are in text. For example, the guy who picked me up for dinner and then blasted 2 Live Crew’s ‘Me So Horny’ on the way to the restaurant. Classy.