Anonymous Story: Coercion?

In my early twenties I was drunk in a bar with a friend who was the designated driver that night. At some point a man she seemed to know approached us, and she dispatched him pretty quickly, dismissing him as a creep. After closing time, she was settling a tab or talking to a friend or otherwise occupied, so I went out to the parking lot to wait by her car. I was in the grass puking when the same man came over, and seemed to express concern. I remember pointing out that I was so drunk I was sick but it was OK, my friend would be there soon. I remember pointing it out on purpose so he would stop finding me appealing. Like there is vomit actually projecting out of my mouth, you should stay away.

Instead, he took me by the arm and said he would take me to wait for her in his car. I remember being really afraid I would vomit in his car but he assured me it would be OK. When we got in the car he asked where my friend lived and said he lived near her. He started the car and left the parking lot, assuring me he would take me to her house. I couldn’t find my cell phone to call my friend and assumed I lost it in the bar. When I said I needed to call my friend he said he knew her and he would do it. Then he said she wasn’t answering the phone, but not to worry he would reach her and get me to her house.

We got to his house and I remember sitting on his couch and putting my head on the arm of the couch. I do not remember what he said or did but at some point I realized if I wanted to go home I would need to have sex with him. So I got in his bed and consented. After which I remember seeing what I thought was blood and being embarrassed, but he told me not to worry, he would take care of it.

At that point he was willing to drive me to my friend’s house. He said he would have to drop me at the corner though, because she had been calling his phone, threatening to call the police. Then he returned my phone, which he had taken and turned off, and he dropped me at the corner and I walked to her house from there.

For a long time this experience has bothered me. I’m ashamed of myself. I saw myself as the most culpable–I got wasted in public and in such a condition left my sober friend, I willingly got in his car when I should have known better, I decided of my own free will that I would rather have sex with him than stay indefinitely at his house, I tried to act like I wanted to be with him during the act, I tried to perform. It still makes me feel incredibly dirty.

Now that I’m older, a bit more mature, I think his behavior was predatory. Maybe he was never violent, maybe he never threatened me or gave me ultimatums, but he picked up a strange drunk girl, prevented her from using a phone, and prevented her from leaving his home until she consented to sex. Is it still an ultimatum if it is implied?

My friend didn’t call the police. I’m sure she considered that I would be embarrassed explaining to my family. She was actually asleep when I got to her house and I had to bang on the window. We didn’t discuss what happened.

I wanted to share my story because if there are other people out there, like me, who feel guilty for feeling so violated and dirty over an experience that wasn’t physically violent, then I want them to know they aren’t alone, that just because it wasn’t physically violent, doesn’t mean it wasn’t wrong.

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