Obesity Rate Drops After Redefinition

The Board of Health issued a statement today regarding the obesity epidemic that has been plaguing the United States.

"We are redefining the classification of those who are considered 'obese,'" said Board of Health spokesman Robert Yollum. "As of yesterday, an obese person was 50-200 pounds overweight, but now that group of people will be classified as 'fit.'"

The decision to redefine the health chart came as no surprise to committee members. "What else can we do," said Board of Health chairman Alice Wetzel. "We have warned people about fatty foods, sugary foods, and the risks involved in eating so terribly. We have pummeled Americans over the head with this kind of knowledge; We have opened non-profit organizations for those who want help, who need help. We have offered free diet and exercise programs towards a healthier, longer life span, but no. Nobody wants it. They want cheeseburgers."

The former obese community has taken a labored sigh of relief. "I always knew I was thin," said Dwight Scotch, who stands at 5'8" and weighs 330 pounds. "It was so terrible being labeled as 'obese,' and I'm glad the medical community has finally stopped discriminating against us." A bead of sweat ran down Scotch's cheek as he raised his fist high with pride, "I'm fit!" he cried.

The word 'obese' is still used as a classification for the overweight, but only for those who were once defined as 'morbidly obese,' those weighing 200 pounds or more overweight. The term 'morbidly obese' is no longer allowed to be used, and has been stricken from the dietitian vocabulary.

"It's a huge step, I know," said Yollum. "But we have been preparing for this for quite some time now."

Upon the announcement, the obesity rate for Americans has dropped nearly 45%, making the United States one of the most fit nations in the world. Sadly, however, the rate for diabetes and heart disease has mysteriously tripled among those who are medically defined as 'fit,' and Americans are fearing that a debilitating unknown virus may be the culprit.

Make Vondrook's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

More fake news stories

Following a tireless debate last night, congress has begun work drafting a new bill that seeks to stop white men from kicking the back of a goddamn coon's head and shattering his teeth whilst proclaiming the sanctity of the white bloodline.
The bi...

BILLINGSGATE POST: In a stunning development, Chief Justice John Roberts changed his name to Caitlyn Roberts, thereby joining Justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan as custodians of keys to the women's restroom of the Supreme C...

Washington - The President of the United Snakes of America and a Brit Reality TV con artist famous for faking the Beeb's wildlife documentaries have appeared in a televised White House junk science rant.
Barack Obama and ageing UK naturalist (sic...

Washington, DC - Disgraced NAACP leader, Rachel Dolezal, who was fired last month for being a secret whitey, didn't take long to get her life heading in a newish direction. It turns out that she quickly found an equally-minded friend in John Boehner,...

Washington, D.C - How do you cap off a Democratic Presidency that seems to have gotten almost nothing done for nearly eight long years? Well, a good way to start is to gather all the whack job liberals you can find after a really gruesome, racially m...

Malone, NY - New York Police shot and killed one of the two escaped murderers from the Clinton Correctional Facility, Richard Matt, on Friday, only a few miles from the Canadian border - which would have surely been the end of the trail for all polic...

No longer willing to ignore the stark reality of environmental degradation, global poverty, and deteriorating human health, pessimistic beverage packing company Canned Dreams, Inc., recently announced the launch of a new product line, known as the al...

In a clever political maneuver all 32 republican presidential prospects agreed to consolidate their collective power and run as one single multi-personality candidate.
The new strategy is the brainchild of Carl Rove who said it was necessary to a...