New Study Finds Savoring Every Moment Makes Kids Smarter

A new study finds that savoring every moment makes kids smarter. Scientists have collected data and the results are in. The more parents savor every moment of their kids’ childhoods, the better their offspring fare.

There’s a direct link to the amount of dedicated savoring and results such as graduating summa cum laude from top universities, saying no to drugs, and remaining virgins until well into their thirties. They’ve found that kids can actually tell when and if their parents are savoring, so even when they’re young, parents need to make sure they really soak it all in.

Research indicates that there is a direct correlation between parental savoring and student grade point average at both the high school and college levels. Minimal savoring of only the highlights of childhood, like sitting on Santa’s lap and riding Splash Mountain, net a mere D-plus grade point average. Average amounts of savoring, with attention to moments like stories at bedtime, family game nights, and Taco Tuesdays, provide a C-plus to B-minus performance. And savoring every moment, including cross-country family car trips without air conditioning, clogging the toilet with an entire roll of toilet paper and three Matchbox cars, and back-to-back episodes of Caillou deliver straight-A’s for the duration of their academic career, which in the case of these gifted kids, tends to be long and prolific.

The head of the Pediatric Wellness Institute of Well-Thinking, Marlin Phomas, advises, “Mom and Dad, we cannot stress this enough: savor everything. Savor every moment. If you love your kids, you will savor everything. They will receive no greater contribution to their education.”

How do you get the best results? Some suggestions:

When wiping spit-up off your nursing bra, spend a moment in quiet gratitude.

Practice singing popular Disney songs while scrubbing diarrhea stains on the leg holes of onesies.

Start off meetings with the school administrators with, “It’s such a joy and honor to get to partner with you about our student’s mad thieving and excessive f-bombery. We know not all parents get this opportunity, and we are lucky.”

When your toddler throws herself on the floor at Target and begins an epic meltdown, enjoy it. Enjoy every second of her loud wails and the evil looks you get. Bask in the feeling of public shame.

“When my then five-year-old daughter turned into the Xenomorph from Alien in the frozen foods section of Kroger, I neglected to savor the moment, instead choosing selfishly to wish I could drop down a large sewer drain into an alternate reality. Now my daughter just bombed her SATs and is holding me responsible. I should’ve savored more. I didn’t, and I regret it,” lamented Rita Carlani, of Brunswick, Ohio.

“I savor everything. I’m afraid if I don’t savor the smell of a blown-out diaper in the middle of the Magic Kingdom, I won’t remember it when my child is older. And I want to remember that. I really want to remember that smell,” chirped Rebecca Lawson, of Tallahassee, Florida.

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I know you’re smart and I don’t have to tell you this, but this article is satirical. For more on savoring every moment, visit here.