A monument to the futility of human endeavor / the Sodomy of the English Language.

31Oct09

My first two words were “NO” and “gimme”. It seems not much has changed since then, though my vocabulary has grown somewhat bigger. In a nutshell, all I really communicate 60% of the time are rejections of things and desires for things I want. 60% is of course a purely random figure, speculated by me, but I will record a day’s worth of conversation and try and see if it’s true, as soon as the grant money from the university for the study of irrelevant speculations arrives. Or maybe I’ll just hit my head against a wall until I think that’s what happened. The remaining 40% is comprised of:

– Pleasantries 5% (though the figure is probably higher for you – I am severely impolite. It’s a medical condition This category includes day to day stuff like “hey, how was your day”, “good morning”, “nice to meet you”, “wow, you look great. These are phrases that you felt obliged to say so often, they now run on autopilot. You may not think that’s why you do these things, but imagine meeting a friend without a greeting. They’d think you were quite rude. Now imagine doing the same to parents, policemen, God, teachers – whoever the authority figures in your life are. You’d get quite the talking to. That’s why we use pleasantries, not because it’s necessary, but because we’re so used to them that without them there would be awkwardness, punishment, misunderstandings and general chaos.)

– Gossip & news 10% (information about people’s lives that is in some way relevant to yours. Again, generally a higher percentage for most cretins, typically with a diminished relevance. This includes information about your own life that you wish to share with others. Their reply will come from either the “pleasantries” section or this section.)

Why am I convinced that so much of our conversation revolves around “no” and “gimme”? Observe:
Bob: Hey dude, do you wanna come over tonight, I really miss your sweet lovin’.
Fred: No Bob; I’m with Jimmy now. He loves me for my intellect and not just my freakishly large trouser snake.
What just happened? Bob expressed want (GIMME), whilst Fred rejected his offer (NO). Though it is worded in a more sophisticated way to allow for understanding, it remains the same.

In my younger years, two words sufficed because whatever I was rejecting or wanting was always in my view. Now that I’m in grown up land, not only are things I desire sometimes not in my immediate field of view, but they may not exist as objects at all, and can be concepts, services, emotions or invisible gasses. So I need more words to explain my desires, and justify them (because in grown up world “gimme” doesn’t always get the response you had hoped for). No, too, requires explanation and justification, for blatant rejection of objects and services can eventuate in fewer future offers if not properly justified. “No, I’m not hungry” will leave open the possibility of future food offers, whilst a simple “No” may be perceived as blunt. To avoid blatant rejection, those around you may never offer you food again. Not good. So we need our extensive vocabularies to explain our extensive desires and motivations.

Communication has another useful function – the sharing of knowledge and ideas amongst people. I’ll bet a lot of people wouldn’t strive to succeed if only a handful of people could see them on their high horse of success. Other minds can be taught, they can teach, and eventually Mutual Mind Development (MMD) can occur. (When this occurs, you will get one eternal life, and some fries. You’ll know when you’ve reached this higher plane of being – perhaps the greatest advantage of which is being able to spit on those located on lower planes of being.) This process facilitates the accumulation of knowledge and ideas amongst people, and though you may not directly obtain anything from such an encounter, you gain (hopefully) useful information about the world, life, human behaviour, history, etc. MMD is the pinnacle of worthwhile communication toward which we all should strive. “No”, “gimme”, “hello, thank you, goodbye”, “he said she said” all serve a purpose, but the most meaningful form of human interaction is the exchange of knowledge & ideas. We did not develop 600,000 words so that we could better explain what <insert insignificant celebrity that everyone is currently talking about> is up to, nor did we construct a sophisticated mechanism like language for the purpose of regurgitating “Hello”s and “Thank you”s at each other in a drone like manner.

I believe we could really cut down on some of the time we waste pointlessly conversing with each other by ruling out certain things as acceptable conversation. If the mundane pleasantries were forbidden, more time could be spent learning and developing instead of forcing smiles and repeating pre-established phrases that were hammered into our heads as children, disguised as manners. Changes must be made to ensure productivity, for our lives are finite, and the pointless crap we can discuss infinite. Captain Pinhead appoints himself to the task of laying down the laws under which society shall operate henceforth.

The following phrases are now deemed illegal. A fine of $500 applies when they are uttered, a smaller fine of $200 applies if you are guilty of possessing the phrases in your mind. The proceeds of all fines are to be distributed unevenly amongst myself and my volatile, currently-demanding sidekick – Bitch-slap Chicken. (Despite contributing nothing to this ingenious money machine of a manifesto, he gets half the swag because the ‘Bitch-slap’ isn’t just for show. FEAR THE CHICKEN!) Fines are payable directly into our respective bank accounts. You wish you had come up with a way to profit off of the stupidity of others. Stupidity is possibly the only never-ending resource in our world. If only we could run cars on stupidity, the war could have been avoided. (Instead we channeled our stupidity into one concentrated bout of senseless dementia: The Coalition’s invasion of Iraq.)

Fine of a maximum of 500 applies to the following abominations:

“Ohmygod”
“Like, and then” or “Like, totally”
“That’s so <insert year/month>”
“and he said, and she said”
The addition of “-age” to the end of words: e.g.. “That was mad drinkage.” In civilized terms, this translates into “You drank that beer so quickly.” Such sodomy of the English language is common in Australia, and should be avoided like the plague regardless of fines, unless a transformation into a football-watching bogan who balances his beer on his belly is an appealing prospect. If forced to engage in small talk it is imperative that, though lacking in meaning, the words remain intact.
Any other “bogan slang”, including the butchering of nouns by substituting “ezza” or “azza” for the normal ending, excessive use of “fucking” (usually pronounced “fucken” due to laziness), use of the ‘word’ “usend’to” (a hideous conglomerate of abbreviations which denotes that something was different in the past, or “didn’t used to be” – though even the rephrased version seems to reek of bogan origin), the pronunciation of “th” as “f” (eg. Brofer), “youse” as a plural of “you”, and any other words or phrases which so much as hint at bogan culture are to be fined on a PER WORD basis. The mispronunciation of my as “muoi” a la Kath & Kim will attract a higher penalty. These disgraceful behaviours are what the rest of the world perceives as the Australian Stereotype, let us do what we can to shatter their conceptions of us as unintelligible simpletons by avoiding the systematic desecration of the English language. If you won’t do it to save Australians from being the subject of mockery, do it because the next “Shazza! Fucken youse guys missed some fucken rad gigage last night at the Emu Pub – there usen’t be nearly as many fucken awesome shows on, and dollar stubbies!” could cost you $4,000. On the other hand, I would profit by that amount; so go ahead, embarrass yourself, you inarticulate turd. You may think I’m criticizing a stereotype, not a reality, but that’s because you don’t live here, or inoculation has made you immune.

Any communique which suggests the following will attract a penalty of up to $1,000 – $ 500for misuse of language and $500 for misuse of the human brain:
– Philosophy is a stupid practice with no application in real life.
– You couldn’t possibly understand because you haven’t accepted Jesus into your heart.
– Obedience is a sign of good character.
– Being nice is more important than being honest.
– God is beyond our understanding and thus your logic won’t work.
– Suicide Girls is a lifestyle. It’s not porn – it’s empowering.
– I am your parent and therefore I know better.
– Drug use is necessarily bad.The law is always correct in dictating the rules we should blindly obey, and anything that is illegal is bad simply because it is illegal.
– Aesthetic qualities are a measure of the worth of a person and must be given high regard.
– Eating meat is acceptable simply because it’s natural/it’s yummy/I’m selfish/animals are stupider/I can’t make a real difference.
– Believing in God without doubt simply because it was pummeled into you from birth and is comforting, is acceptable.
– We can’t know God exists, so we’d better believe in him just in case.

You may be thinking that I’m using my powers as your eventual language censor to mostly prohibit the proliferation of opinions that I disagree with, and you’d be right. This is a temporary time-saving measure and it will have to do until I can stretch my resources to reach everyone and convince them that these things are wrong in a logical manner. Two concurrent offenses in one sentence (as “like” + “ohmygod” often tend to do) will attract a double fine. All of the forbidden abominations cannot be documented physically – variations on the forbidden topics are common and diverse (a consequence of that endless resource mentioned previously) and recording every separate offense would take centuries. Consequently, the following general topics should be prohibited by legislation. Alterations and additions to this document are welcome if a particular statement deserves special attention, due to a high density of dim-witted ignorance contained within it. (This is where you comment your suggestions). I will now venture beyond even my already overstated, self-appointed, questionable authority and enter the realm of “God” – since he hasn’t come up with anything for 2000 years, Captain Pinhead will step up to the task. TV wasn’t even around when the Bible was written, so how are people to know not to worship it? Well, it’s C. Pinhead to the rescue, modernizing the delusions to fit your modern lifestyles.

And then captain pinhead did say:

Thou shall not make any statements with an underlying assumption that any gender is superior.

Thou shall not judge on the basis of a person’s race or gender.

Thou shall not talk about the weather for longer than is absolutely necessary to ensure that your unsuspecting peers aren’t hindered by weather conditions they should have been made aware of.

Thou shall not assume you know everything because you have been taught it and it’s in the Bible. Thou shall not try to frighten people into conforming to your beliefs with threats (You’ll burn in hell!), blackmail, deception or bribery (Eternal happiness awaits you, for the low low price of your ability to reason! Forfeit one simple capacity and you will probably live eternally with God in heaven, though we have no proof… oh look, here comes the collection plate.)

If thou doth travel to a third world country where people are starving, thou must feed the people before brainwashing them. Food cannot be used as a rewards system to force any religion upon anyone, lest your “bullshit spreader” license be revoked. Starving people should have the choice not to “buy-bull” just as we do. Also, if you have built a church and handed out bibles, please do not brag about your great achievement for the Lord. You have probably given a lot of people false hope, disappointment (because they thought they were getting food) and useless, inedible bibles. These are your achievements, and God would not be proud that you are spreading his word instead of saving lives. For he would not create life only to choose for his creatures to be born into circumstances where AIDS is & hepatitis are not a possible consequence of overfucking, but are probably actively present in their water supply in some form; where starvation isn’t what you do to drop a dress size, but rather, what’s forced upon everyone, unless they go mad with hunger and absent-mindedly nibble off their child’s limbs; where others come to help, yet bring neither medicines nor foods, but funny symbols about a God who apparently cares about them and considers all equal. Edible bibles are clearly the solution to all this madness… If you can’t deliver, just stop missionary work altogether. This isn’t strictly my field of authority, but I’ll blur the line a little to forbid the spreading of propaganda that feeds on minds. Much like a zombie would, religions don’t discriminate between victims; they just aim for the brain and devour until the destroyed networks are rendered incapable of processing thoughts.
Television shall not be quoted as a source of unfaltering knowledge, nor should it be treated as such. Nor is it healthy to speculate on the lives of any fictional television characters whilst not watching the show. Though it is not forbidden, it is highly discouraged. Television stations are businesses, and this must be acknowledged – the programs on TV are there to maximise profits, and not develop you as a human being in any way. Thou shall not mimic the behaviours witnessed on TV, rely on TV to objectively present news events, nor become entirely dependent on your television. Although it is a source of entertainment, news and pesky advertisements, the TV does not have to be the center of your universe; your family, friends and life shall not revolve around the TV. Knowledge of the world outside your lounge room and your enjoyment of life must not be limited to living vicariously through characters in television broadcasts. You must also watch DVDs. You may think I have exceeded my authority by providing strict guidelines to life instead of just identifying forbidden phrases. You’re wrong; I never had any authority to begin with. I’m just painfully intelligent and supercilious, for I am Captain Pinhead, and I know the many struggles of humanity and just how to overcome them – with blind obedience of my every word.

Back to the specific search for a new and more productive code to replace “manners”, “pleasantries”, “etiquette” and “empty chit chat”. With these four obstructions destroyed and no longer hindering the progress of useful conversation, it has been declared (by me, earlier, and yes, without basis) that a new level of consciousness will become possible. We will no longer have to drop our important thoughts to greet people, make small talk, compliment others – the list of our current duties is huge. Freeing ourselves of such a plethora of responsibilities will open opportunities for enlightening interaction and other various activities you’re not partaking in today because entire hours of your life are gradually being consumed by pointless interaction and pleasantry.

Anything falling under the aforementioned category of gossip/news which isn’t directly relevant to the lives of the converters – i.e. gossip for the sake of conversation, or referring to news reports to create the illusion of intelligence (people do this, you know – they bring up news items that are only vaguely relevant, or entirely irrelevant, just so that we can all admire them for their worldly and cultured watching of the television. Pfft) or the appearance of being in the know – must be eradicated from conversation worldwide. There will be a period of silence while we ponder any interactions we can engage in that hasn’t yet been forbidden. In fact, after several fines, we will all begin systematically thinking before speaking to avoid the same fate, which will cut-down on some of the pointless conversational endeavors that I have forgotten to mention. Eventually, having followed all my rules (due to a bowel-churning fear of my idle threats) mankind will learn to communicate meaningfully, and this new found form of conversation will usher in a new age of MMD-powered productivity and unspeakable joy. Just refer to how heaven is described in the Bible – it will be much like that, but better. The only difference will be the absence of God, which will be more than compensated for by the permission of spitting.

There are still important changes to be made before this loogie-filled land of indescribable wonder can be reached. Do remember the various threats and promises Captain Pinhead has made thus far; they will make abiding by my will easier to achieve.

Yelling random stereotype titles at people on the street who you don’t know or intend to speak to will be reprimanded by castration of the genitalia (males only) and an estrogen hormone program. We have reason to believe (Not we, I. And the reason is just that I think that’s the way it is. So there you go, I’m not as important as I’d like you to believe. Embrace the cold bosom of the truth) that such behaviour is caused by an excess of testosterone and incredible stupidity. We predict that the stupidity problem is unstoppable and will envelop us all, but at least we can deal with the testosterone surplus directly – by shutting down the factory, forever. The estrogen pills may have some positive effect, but for the most part it will merely make the offenders grow bosoms, lose their manly hair and start talking in a high-pitched voice. Then the guilty idiots will be easy to identify and mock, though we must be careful not to classify them and yell the stereotype at them, lest our testosterone factories get shut down. Examples of this behaviour – “Stupid Emo!” “Freak!” “You’re Gothic”, etc. Notice that there is no punishment for females exhibiting this particularly nasty method of “communicating”. It’s because they don’t. Females don’t do this; even lone males don’t tend to do this. It is the pack of males, all reaching for the alpha male title, who will try to loudly classify all within his surroundings that he is afraid of. We could try to explain that their behaviour is ridiculous, that just because someone dresses differently doesn’t make them a threat. That just because something is unknown doesn’t mean it must be explicitly classified (especially not to the threat itself, where is the point in that?) and the threat thus effectively degraded in their puny minds. Placing someone in a category in your own mind and then expressing that foolish system of categories you have created and their place within it, why? So the pack can see that you’ve triumphed over the threat, because the threat chose to walk away when confronted with your stupidity? It’s obvious to us that this behaviour should not be tolerated, however reasoning with these packs of testosterone factories is pointless. The most reasonable solution is to remove their genitals and feed them hormones until they themselves become the unknown and scary, the feared and ridiculed. An eye for an eye, it’s in the Bible (buy-bull), read it. Perfectly justified solution.

Pleasantries shall be reduced to a series of grunts, if absolutely necessary, though the aim is to do away with them altogether. The grunt system is simply a transitional measure, while you are weaned off of your former habits. Those around you will no doubt prefer silence to the grunts you exhibit during this phase. Though you may be temporarily avoided and considered somewhat of a Neanderthal, you can rest assured that when the rest of mankind follows suit you will be hailed as one of the pioneers of the change and given various handmade crafts and medals as a reward for your leadership. This is the most difficult habit to rid yourself of, for it is deeply ingrained in all of our interactions. It is, however, the most unnecessary. Consequently, drastic measures must be taken to discourage pleasantry-perpetuating babble. (Yes, pleasantries feed off of pleasantries. The ultimate evil of your conversations, uttering one of these dangerous nothings, will set off others to do the same, backfire onto you, and so on.) Without further adieu, I decree that death shall result for anyone who utters anything resembling the following tangle of pleasantry diarrhea:

“It was really nice meeting you, and I had a lovely time, and thank you so much for inviting me, the snacks were tremendous, and your floor boards look terrific, and I love what you’ve done to the house. It was lovely meeting your new baby too, though he is currently a hideously deformed shadow of what a normal human being looks like, I’m sure those wrinkles will iron right out, the redness will fade, and the head to body size ratio will improve with time. Thanks again, hope to do this again sometime! Oh wow, I forgot that <object or person> inside, let me just go get it/them. Got it/him/her! I can’t believe I nearly left this old thing behind! So it was really nice meeting… REPEAT”

If all else fails and certain billionaires insist on continuing their rape of the English language, death will be administered – by suicide. You doubt that this is possible? You dare doubt the mighty Pinhead, he who has appointed himself God? I do believe that certain things can drive a person into a rut so deep that they will voluntarily destroy themselves to escape the horror of their reality. The triggers will vary from person to person, as will the finer details of each doom scenario. As a rough guide, following is a list of things that may bring even your mighty Captain close to self-destruction. Fear them.

-Knowing that great injustice exists and being entirely helpless.
-Thinking the injustice is somehow your fault.
-Feeling abandoned by every single person you’ve ever cared about (This will require a ‘Truman Show’ style set up, involving many actors, latex masks, manufactured sets and, obviously, Jim Carey as an indispensable element of the plan. Costs can be recouped by airing footage of the hideous montage of misery and pain that ensues. The broadcast will also serve as a constant reminder of the consequences of disobedience.)
-Being forced to consume your own excrement for a week, then being given nice food for a week, and just when the taste buds expect more fancy gourmet dishes – the twist. “I’m sorry sir, but you will in fact be feasting on your own feces again”. Repeat at random intervals to leave the victim in a constant world of uncertainty, where excrement and ingestion combine into disgusting, demeaning horror. This one will be for pay TV only, for it is quality entertainment of the highest caliber.

If several people are convicted of the crime at once, different approaches to encouraging suicide will be taken with each candidate. Bets will be taken by Bitchslap Chicken as to who cracks first. I’m speculating that eating your own waste will be the most successful method, which is lucky because it’ll also make for the most entertaining show. We will capitalize off of the suffering of the criminals and the public’s insatiable, voyeuristic desire for shocking, innovative entertainment.

If you are a leader of the fast approaching change, some of this profit may end up in your pocket, or perhaps you’ll get to meet Jim Carey. Either way, good things will come to those who start the grunt and abandon what is currently known as “manners”. These violent measures may be implemented after due time has passed for adjustment to the grunt method, and only repeat offenders will be sentenced to a definite suicide. Some may get off on parole after several years of eating faecal matter, but we doubt they will want to re-enter a society that put them through that sort of thing. Either way, we’re rid of pleasantries, we’re rid of those who cling to pleasantries, and we have several ideas for reality shows that are likely to bring a plethora of monies and actor Jim Carey within our grasp.

The following offence is considered just as serious as the previous, and yet it has an entirely different punishment. This is because it’s rather fun inventing punishments for what I consider to be crimes against mankind – feel free to comment with your own suggestions. The following will lead to a flogging (Jesus style, think “Passion of the Christ”) administered by none other than Bitch-slap Chicken himself. I cannot stress enough that you should never, ever underestimate the power of my Chicken. Consider Bitchslap chicken, armed with a weapon and the authority to pulverize people, doling out nuggets of justice on a largely unsuspecting public; when the authorities arrive and reward, not punish, him for administrating his flavour of justice – well that will just be kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic.

New Crime Proposal #201
A : “Do you think my <body part> looks <negative adjective> in these? Ooh what shall I wear?”
B : “No, your <body part> never looks <negative adjective>! You look fantastic.”
A : “Aww, you’re just saying that, you know you’re the <positive adjective> one.”
B : “No I totally mean it. That <clothing item/accessory> totally brings out the colour/shape/odour/taste of your <body part>!”
A : “I’ll never look as <positive adjective> as <proper noun>. He/she/it has the best <body part>! <clothing item> would look so much better on <proper noun>.”
This horrendous interplay could go on indefinitely if neither A nor B is willing to go off on a random tangent or simply state “I will not encourage you to speak ill of yourself by providing you with compliments when you do so!” – though this approach requires a considerable amount of balls. If neither party is able to pick an appropriate time to steer the conversation away from the never-ending loop of pointless flattery, they would remain stuck in the interaction forever, or until a third agent entered the conversation. The third agent, however, is prone to being asked their opinion of the clothing/body part “issue”, and therefore could be sucked into the disastrous pleasantry loop of doom. They say white lies have never hurt anybody, but they lie: In addition to being time-wasting and entirely shallow, these conversations are deadly. Throughout history, these innocuous interactions have spiraled out of control and annihilated entire populations of ditsy retards, who, unable to escape the demented whirlpool of expected social graces, starved to death. Of course, this is a good thing, for the gene pool anyway. Though if you are not a superficial, ditsy retard, and you are put in the position of B, there is not much you can do – the cycle of flattery can scarcely be stopped. If you are a coward and fear confrontation, your best chance to survive is to attempt to cling onto any spoken word and tear a tangent in the conversation, hopefully distracting A from the body part that causes them such grief. Under the new rules of acceptable human interaction, this dangerous loop will be avoided because nobody wants to be flogged like Jesus. They would rather keep their stupid body part/clothing item dilemmas to themselves than get their inner organs torn out by those whippy things with hooks on them.

Moderately Relevant Tangent #189 – A Brief History of Fashion
Removed due to magnitude of babble. In the unlikely event of curiosity, it is posted next.

We return now to the original subject matter, the establishment of a new set of rules by which all must abide. The current rules are clearly outdated and irrelevant, as well as unnecessary. Resting one’s elbows on the table and not being painfully polite around all older people will not cause the world to implode. Slowly but surely, your goal is to wean yourself off of the most basic courtesies. You will find that people start avoiding you and calling you a rude Jerk, but this is a good sign. You don’t need friends who care about pleasantries and compliments, and with your idiot friends filtering themselves out, you’ll be left with those who like you for your mind alone. With these people you will learn to reach MMP and transcend space, all in good time.

Captain Pinhead reminds you of the many threats he has made throughout this literary monument to all that is mighty, and makes one last threat to inform you that you too could suffer if you do not do his bidding. Becoming a minion of Captain Pinhead is simple, fun, rewarding, and costs YOU money. Yes, you can dedicate your life and forgo all future freedom to fulfill my every wish. To sign up for the minion service, you must have $9.95 and no direction or purpose in your life whatsoever. A points system will be implemented to encourage you to recruit fellow minions to “the cause” by vaguely listing the invented benefits of minionhood. These points are entirely worthless in cash terms, but they will determine your place in a hierarchy of minions. My most loyal minions will be the ones who are graced most often by my company, hence it is clearly a great honor to aspire to – head minion. Who knows, maybe one day you will be upgraded to a trainee Pinhead – however it is obvious that you are unworthy of such an honor and I will bestow it upon you only after receiving a freakishly huge bribe from you. Captain Pinhead’s mighty powers are worn out, for he has been typing nonsense for several hours. He wishes to make some nice concluding statements that wrap everything up and encourage readers to send him money, but he doesn’t have the energy or the brainpower, nor is he certain that wrapping up such vast amounts of uncensored absurdity is even possible.