The Curse of the Good Girl: Q&A With Author Rachel Simmons

Did you know that being a good girl is actually a bad thing? It's bad for self-esteem, self-expression, risk-taking and personal authority. In short, it arrests a girl's ability to develop into a strong, confident woman.

ParentDish spoke with Simmons about how parents can help their daughters avoid the trap of "good" girlhood. An edited version of the conversation follows:

ParentDish: Can women use this book as a way to get a hold of their own subconscious good-girl tendencies?Rachel Simmons: It's one of the central goals. I find that too much parenting advice focuses on what to do to your child in order to make your child smarter, faster, better, nicer, when actually, the reality is who parents are and what parents do plays much more of a role in who our kids become. In my opinion, a lot of parenting advice is very misplaced and actually ends up putting the onus on the kid to be something without actually having us look at ourselves. Particularly when it comes to women; women script girls in how to hold their bodies, how to speak about themselves, how to relate to other people, how to manage their feelings. And so who we are as women is far and away going to affect who a girl becomes more than what we say to our kid, like, "You are a good kid;" "You are a smart kid;" "You did a good job."

The thing that has most surprised me about writing this book is the number of adult women who have come up to me and have said, "I don't even have kids and I'm reading this book."

We know that when women hit a certain age, about 40 or 50, they start to say, "You know? I don't really care what you think anymore." But until that point there's not a huge amount that differentiates us from girls. So much of my mission is to get girls to have some of that 50-year-old fierceness earlier.

Author Rachel Simmons.
Credit: Tamara Staples

PD: I'm curious about what your childhood was like and why this has become your mission?
RS: How long do you have?

PD: (Laughs)RS: My mom and my mom's mom played a really big role in my upbringing. They're just very outspoken, independent women who experienced difficulty in their lives. My grandmother's a Holocaust survivor and my mom was born in a displaced person's camp. [They were] women who endured a lot of stress in their lives, so were very determined that I be independent and that I be able to take care of myself.

PD: What would you say is a father's role?
RS: I think Dads are hugely important and underrated and I probably should have done a separate chapter about them, but didn't. A lot of times when a father can bring his own set of [behaviors] to his daughter, that's really good to see. Because a lot of times moms are strongly identifying with what their daughters are doing socially, particularly, that it's really hard for them to get any distance, whereas a lot of dads are like, "Wait a minute. Why are you guys giving each other the silent treatment? Just talk it out."

What's unfortunate is that fathers often perceive their very maleness as a disqualifier from helping girls, when, in fact, it is often that different set is exactly what girls need.

PD: What can parents do to help their daughters be strong?RS: I always think of these things in terms of muscles. You want to develop your daughter's muscles in the areas we know that females don't develop. Muscles to say what you're good at. Muscles to say, "No." Muscles to say "thank you" when you're complimented.

Somebody says, "Sorry" and you say, "Oh, it's OK." "Oh, you totally betrayed me? Don't worry about it." You can use the word "skills" as another word for muscles, but I think girls need to practice ... [Girls] need to be able to fail and have a sense of humor about it. The idea of the muscle is that it takes repetition and if you don't use it, you lose it.

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ReaderComments (Page 1 of 4)

This is ridiculous. Fierceness? So we're supposed to raise a bunch of b****es? Sorry, but the good girls I knew were the ones who got good grades, stayed out of trouble, were polite, and went to college. The good girls were the strong ones who actually studied during study hall, didn't have to have a boyfriend to be happy, and knew how to say "no" despite any peer pressure. And guess what? They were nice, too!

So they were perfect. Were they hay? Because I said no to all the right things (sex, drugs, etc) in high school and yes to all the wrong ones. I gave up my time and self to help and make other people happy. I sacrificed who I was for who my father wanted me to be and tried to make myself fit the expectations of my teachers and friends. Thank god my mother saw what was happening and shook me out of it and told me to woman up. Eventually I learned to tell people where to shove their opinions and did what I needed to do to be happy. I wouldn't say I'm not selfless because I still like to volunteer and donate and help where I can, but now it's on my terms. To a point, girls do have to be bitches, because otherwise they will spend their entire lives doing what everyone wants of them and making other people happy instead of focusing on themselves and what they want in life.

Is she crazy? Since when does writing a book equate with"It must be the truth since it was published"? Her discription ofa "good girl" grown up mother is so off base that I don't have thewords to even begin to correct it. I raised a "good girl" she isthe most confident, competent, compassionate and understandingperson I know. She is an advocate for her patients and stands upfor them no matter the circumstances. She is not perfect, knowsthat and doesn't try to be. But, she gives her whole heart to everytask she is committed to. Just as Dr. Spock ruined a generation ortwo, are we subjected to another nut?

We do need more good girls and we don't need any more bitches!Girls aren't bitches because they aren't selfless...they're bitches because of how they express themselves. Frankly, if a "good-girl" upbringing prevents this offensive manner of expression, then it can't be all bad! Let's raise girls to be confident, independent thinkers, who timely communicate their needs effectively, while not unduly offending others with their voice. For that matter, it goes for the guys also.

Hey Alicia your right saying yes to dope and drugs would have made you a whole lot better person, lol, at least in jail maybe.I have two daughters and I hope they are raised to be a "good girl" like their mother.

There is a big difference between being a "good girl" and a doormat. "Good girls" are women who value themselves and don't have to degrade others to prove their self-worth. Since when is being "nice, polite, modest, and selfless." a bad thing? Mother Teresa had all of those qualities and no one would fault her. A doormat on the other hand is a woman who can't think for herself, has low self-esteem and is a compulsive "people pleaser". "Outspoken" women tend to be obnoxious loudmouths. Being assertive doesn't require being abrasive. Selfless doesn't translate to self-sacrificing doormat. I don't have daughters; I have sons and am proud to say they were raised to be "good girl" men not over-bearing jerks.

Totally agree with this story. I lived for everyone else up until I was ~21. Started saying no to people, voicing my opinions, not feeling guilty for doing what I wanted to do -- before that I was trying to please everyone around me. I feel that I know myself now.

Actually, this book and claim is bullshit. Nobody wants a bad girl.....Guys still don't want their women bad....the society frowns on bad girls, and bad girls don't end up first.....esp. in old age, they will regret what they did wrong and wish they'd never been bad. I used to be a bad girl...and people hated me and I didn't like that they didn't like me. Yeah, I want to go and get what I wanted but deep down inside me, I felt weak and unhappy, because everything I did had a terrible consequence...If you do bad, the outcome is bad---the LAW OF KARMA---Being good does not mean "weak"---it's actually the opposite. Because by being good you know yourself and you're secure and confident . When I changed my ways to become a better person--a good girl, I became happier, more fulfilled, stronger and I find real lasting joy and power.What is this author-----trying to inculcate mothers and young girls to be evil?THIS BOOK IS PURELY BULLSHIT.

I'd rather know or have "good girls" in my life as opposed to women who think it's a great idea to bully their way through life wearing the banner of being a proud bitch! What's wrong with being"nice", polite, intelligent, an avid reader, a "soccer mom", keeping a clean house, volunteering, sweet, demure, a great cook, traditional values? The heartless, "claw your way to the top", agressive, sexually promiscuous, sarcastic, ruthless and popular "bitches' of today, can stay away for all I care! Give me the nice girl everytime!

I'm with you, Charlie. Couldn't have put it better. And, I am VERY happily married to a "good girl." Not a cowering wallflower - just a decent person. I would never have even dated the sort of woman this book seems to advocate raising our daughters to become! And, frankly, the fact that my daughter seems to be perfectly comfortable belching out loud because that's how all of her female friends at school behave these days absolutely drives me crazy. She wasn't raised to be a nasty, rude pig. But, evidently this author is behind the curve if she thinks girls are "too polite, too nice" etc.

Now I have seen everything ! This is absolutely ridiculous ! We already have enough "bad" behavior out there in our young women, which is due to their ALREADY LOW self-esteem and lack of the proper nuturing ingredients of their parents. And now, this will further encourage them to continue in that behavior -- AND the ones that are growing up halfway decent are going to be the ones to get the complex now, being told BY YOUR BOOK that it's bad to be good -- what the heck is wrong with you ?? I'm sure there are valid points in your book -- but you should have chosen a different title. I am a 50 year old woman, and have been BOTH good and bad throughout my life -- WE ALL HAVE!! But the good side has definitely prevailed. I'm friendly, organized, successful, happy and well-loved by those who appreciate all those things. There are also many of my friends/family who can't stand me because I'm "so on the ball", but guess what ?!? At the end of the day. . I care more about how smoothly my life is running and how content I am -- MORE than I care what they think of me ! I SAY BE A GOOD GIRL!! You'll have way more self-esteem, get more done, make more money, love your surroundings, be healthier and sleep better ! And the people that love you, really, really love you !

Right on Cheryl! You hit the nail on the head! The title of this book is a very poor choice! Simmons is just another "expert" trying to tell the rest of us how to live!! Wish they would all give it a rest!