Surely you had an exchange like this with your mother over the holidays:

Mom: I love your rap website and I’ve forwarded it to a bunch of my lawyer friends and they love it too!

You: Yeah?

Mom: But I have to say, I don’t approve of all the lyrics. Why do rappers talk about Al Qaeda like it’s a good thing!? It’s insulting! They’re terrorists!

You: (rolls eyes)

Mom: Also, what does “pop that pussy” mean?

Why do rappers identify with Al Qaeda, a gang of dark skinned, hood-rich criminal masterminds who pulled off the ultimate “fuck you” to white authority and social norms? Gee, I don’t know…hmmm…maybe because they’re gangsta-ass thugs!

No one has a hard time understanding why rappers valorize white mafia dons or latin/black drug kingpins. As an Arab American in a Brooks Brothers sweater, I think that’s racist

But that’s not the point. The market demands new content that’s more transgressive than what’s already out there. I mean, Lady Gaga can’t walk out of a hotel in anything less than a dress made of fleshlights and carrotcake, and she’s already sold 3 million records, so you do your own math on that one…

Rappers are similarly bled white trying to outshine and outthug the next rapper. 9/11 created insta-taboos, the likes of which human sexuality and other societal norms had taken eons to foster, so it merits little surprise that verses praising the Taliban result in some of the thuggest raps ever.

And now, without further “Abu” (Zubayda…get it?), we present you the Al Qaeda / Taliban rap paper plate awards:

Best original web series: “Al Qaeda Jada”, by Jadakiss

Never mind that Al Qaeda’s retrograde traditionalism is inimical to Jada’s baller lifestyle, never mind that the “Quaida/Jada” rhyme is only an accident of English phonology: Mr. Raspy decided to name his show “Al Qaeda Jada”

In episode 2, the crown jewel of this 4-part “Life and Times” style web series, Jadakiss:

makes a cop light his blunt (:58)

talks about the origins of his signature high-pitched laugh (AHAA!!!) (1:40)

Lifetime achievement: Dipset

Following fellow “Dip” Colin Powell, the Diplomats are the rappers most dedicated to betraying America to Islamists:

Here are the top 5 Dipset Taliban lines, in reverse order:

5. Juelz Santana, from the song “I Love You”

I worship the late prophet
The great Muhammed Omar Atta
For his courage behind the wheel of the plane
Reminds me when I was dealin' the ‘caine

Back when Cam'ron and Juelz still made love to one another, they collaborated on a song called “I Love You”. This lyric praising the courage of Muhammad Atta (:41) got so much negative publicity – when the song was released as an untitled mixtape track – that the subsequent version on the “Diplomatic Immunity” album dropped the line altogether

4. Jim Jones in “We Built this City”

Aiyyo my Dipset Taliban, we on these streets
Like them wars on them streets of Afghanistan
Better yet, or Pakistan – and to America, Harlem’s Al Qaeda
Any problems I spray ya, not to startle the mayor
But in this 50 block radius, it’s “get the rock and shave the shit”
Or “get the Glock and blaze the shit”

You can imagine Bin Laden’s chagrin upon hearing this verse, when – to his surprise – he learned that “get the rock and shave the shit” refers to shaving coke, and not to fashioning a stone razor for a neckbeard edge up

3. Juelz Santana, from the song “Okay Okay”

A young Muhammad Atta
No plane lessons, cocaine lessons
Just a plot of towers
Before they crashed and divided the towers
I’m hurtin' working hard to reprovide the towers

Not really about the Taliban, but so good that it deserves the #1 spot anyway; the progression from the particular to the universal (crew –> movement –> moon and the stars) is soo hard…

Listen to the whole song you little Eichmanns!

Note: At a separate ceremony hosted by Maggie Gyllenhaal, we gave awards to the best technical production of Islamo-thug lines in rap, as well as an inaugural award for Best Actual Jihadi Rap (won by Dirty Kuffar)