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> When I was one-and-twenty> A wise man told me oft,> 'Give crowns and pounds and guineas> But not to Microsoft;>> Give pearls away, and rubies,> But keep your hard drive free.'> But I was one-and-twenty,> No use to talk to me.>> When I was one-and-twenty> I heard him say again,> 'The software that they market> Is full of hurt and pain;>> 'Tis paid with sighs a plenty> And sold for endless rue.'> And I am two-and-twenty,> And oh, 'tis true, 'tis true.>> That pulchritude of vileness> Did my computer rape;> Now that I'm two-and-twenty,> Howe'er should I escape?

> Dear Friends,>> My name is Norm and I've got an amazing story to tell you, a story> that can make you RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS!>> One day I was walking down the beach and I found a lamp. Rubbing it on> my sweatpants, an amazing thing happened. A genie appeared. He told> me he had come to make me an AMAZING, INCREDIBLE, ONE TIME OFFER! All> I had to do was piss people off and for every person who started to> hate me a nickel would fall out of my ass.>> Well, I was skeptical at first. I mean, come on, shitting nickels?> But I decided to give it a try. I wrapped my brain around the problem> to figure out how I could make as many enemies as possible in the> shortest amount of time and it hit me... A chain letter, an ostensibly> illegal pyramid scheme posted in totally inappropriate newsgroup> hierarchies like soc.*, rec.*, alt.* any personals group, or best of> all, a binaries group where text posts are TOTALLY unwanted. Well, I> went back to that genie and said I needed a little incentive to get> people to duplicate my annoying spam.>> Yes folks, the genie listened and he has EXTENDED THE OFFER TO> EVERYONE! Yes, now you too can SHIT NICKELS FOR FUN AND PROFIT! And> better than that, if anyone copies the post from you and posts it> themselves, NOT ONLY WILL THEY SHIT NICKELS, BUT FOR EVERY NICKEL THEY> SHIT, YOU'LL SHIT A PENNY!>> Let's look at the math with EASY TO GET responses:>> With a conservative estimate of a million people on the net, assume> half of those read your post and of that half, 85% of those people hate> you. . .>> that's 21,250 - OVER TWENTY-ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS. . . RIGHT OFF THE> BAT!>> And those people can be used over and over again. Let's say that just> one other person copies this letter from your post and reposts> everywhere, getting JUST AS MANY PEOPLE PISSED OFF!!! Even if they're> the same people who got pissed off at _you_, that's still going to mean> ANOTHER $4,250 DROPPING RIGHT OUT OF YOUR ASS! ! ! ! PYRAMID> SCHEMES RUN OUT, GET OVERSATURATED, EVENTUALLY THERE'S NO ONE LEFT...> BUT THIS PLAN IS FOOLPROOF, UNLIMITED, THIS LETTER CAN PISS PEOPLE OFF> OVER AND OVER AND OVER, AND YOU'LL GET RICHER EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!!>> Yes, with just ONE LETTER AND NO FINANCIAL INVESTMENT WHATSOEVER you> can make OVER TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! Of course, you'll have> to clean the feces off the coins, count, and roll them. But that's> nothing when you consider ALL THE MONEY THAT BEING AN ASSHOLE MADE COME> OUT OF YOUR ASSHOLE!>> Trust me folks, it works. It's a proven fact that if you post pyramid> scheme letters in all sorts of places PEOPLE WILL HATE YOU! They'll> send you mail bombs, complain to your postmaster, call you all sorts of> names, BUT YOU'LL BE LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK WITH CRAP COVERED> COINS COMING OUT OF YOUR PANTS!>> ------------------------------------------------------------------> Read these testimonials from a few satisfied posters!>> Dear Norm,> I never thought it possible, but you were right. Ever since I posted> your Shit. Nickels letter, so many people have been getting pissed at> me that the nickels have just been flying out of my ass! I even made> a game out of it. I set a basketball hoop up over my toilet and I> just bend over and let those nickels go. For every one that> makes it through the hoop, I get two points. I've become the Michael> Jordan of nickel shitters. And yesterday, I started shitting> pennies. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!>> Sincerely,> B. A. Schmuck> Fort Wayne, Indiana>> Dear Norm,> Thanks again for your suggestion about lubing up with Vaseline or KY> Jelly. After those thousands of nickels shooting out of it, my> asshole was geting sooo sore. But I'm sore no more and I'm rich as> Croesus to boot. Thanks for touching my life and my ass.>> Yours Always,> Cherry B. Toodles> Los Angeles, California> ------------------------------------------------------------------>> Yes, folks, you too can become RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS! Copy> this post everywhere, make people hate you, and you'll shit nickels> too! Send your success stories to norm@orbit. demon. co. uk and> your letter might just be in the next version!>> [chain letter parody; author takes no responsibility for idiots who> repost this and cannot be held liable for any nickel shitting related> injuries]

} Dear Nongrovelling Supplicant (or should I say Public Enema #1),}} As you and most of your neighbors are discovering right now, when you} piss off the Oracle, much more interesting items than nickels start} falling out of your ass.

> Someone gave me a clock yesterday but instead of numbers it has a> strange set of letters. Reading round from the top in a clockwise> direction, they are: XII, I, II, III, IIII, V, VI, VII, VIII, IX, X> and XI. What should I make of them and how am I expected to tell what> time it is? And, do you think that clocks like this will ever replace> digital watches?

} Lucky you, supplicant! Though it does not tell the time as such, the} clock of which you speak is a Female Mood Change Clock. As the hands go} round, they will point to each of the acronyms on the rim, so you know} just what mood your fair lady will be in at that particular moment..}} XII eXtremely, Incredibly Insane} I Inert} II Incoherent, Inscrutable} III I'm Inexplicably Insulted} IIII Irascible, Injurious, Ill-tempered, Invidious} V Vamp} VI Very Idiosyncratic} VII Vengeful, Irrational, Implacable} VIII loVing, Infatuated In Inclination} IX Ill-at-ease, veXed} X eXcitable} XI seXually Indifferent}} You may find it more accurate if you remove the two smaller hands from} the clockface.}} You owe the Oracle a Meredith Brookes album.

} They tried once, but the cats tended to toy with their food, and} when they grew bored with that, they would take a mouth full and} spit it out at their owners feet as it it were some kind of gift.}} You owe the Oracle 101 uses for a cliche'd imponderable.

} Actually, my priests are very busy with other duties right now.} The volume of supplicants who omit their grovel has gone up} tremendously lately, and I just can't keep up with the Staff of Zot.} As much as I would like to handle each case individually, I'm forced} to send the priests around disguised as Amway salesmen to suck the} life out of impudent supplicants. Thus, some of the compilations} have been delayed.}} Ah, but I hear that someone is ringing your doorbell. You go answer} it, I'll wait here.}} You owe the Oracle ... oh, never mind. It's too late.

} The Coup de Grace was a car. It came out after the Cadillac Coup de} Ville (literally, "Vehicle of the Town" or, simply, towncar) was} introduced in 1953. To try to one-up the Cadillac company, Bates Motors} (owned by Harold Bates) introduced the Coup de Grace (meaning,} "Graceful Car"). Unfortunately, there were some problems.}} First of all, Bates Motors announced that the Coup de Grace would be} introduced in 1954, the year after the Coup de Ville. Five years later,} the "B" (or "beta") version of the car was finally released to a} limited audience. The car had a few "bugs" in it (oversteering, by} about 90 degrees, for example). Also, it used gas at a rate that} boggled the mind even in the gas-guzzling '50s: about 3 gallons per} mile. Also, it lacked a few features. Such as seats.}} Naturally, the new owners complained, so Bates Motors released the Coup} de Grace 60 (which was actually released in 1961). This was, if you can} conceive it, even worse. The car was actually two feet wider than the} standard lane width on all American roads (don't even *ask* about} British roads). This bugger was side-swiping everything in its path.} Also, the throat for the gas tank was a different size than any gas} station nozzle (except for Bates Oil Company gas stations).}} This was the last car ever produced by Bates Motors. Bates Oil Company} soon followed that company into oblivion. Harold Bates, the old man,} was embittered by this experience. Even worse, his son, shamed by his} father's stupid greed and bankruptcy, changed his name (albeit by only} one letter). Harold Bates never spoke to his son again. He did,} however, take a strong liking to his grandson, with whom he would sit} for hours and hours, discussing the necessity for both vertical and} horizontal monopolies. He died somewhat happy when his grandson,} William, was enrolled in Harvard University. He never lived to find out} that William dropped out of college after just one year.}} You owe the Oracle a Packard. With a bell.