“Inaugural China Masturbation Contest” Is A Real Thing, There Are No Winners

Dudes wearing creepy, creepy masks pulled down their pants, held orange-red plastic pails over their privates, and masturbated while scantily-clad female models did sexually suggestive things, including with dildos and blow-up dolls. And it wasn’t for a porno — a terrible, terrible porno that no one would watch.

Who wants to explain?

“On the afternoon of November 28, 2012,” so goes this Sina Weibo post, “on the verge of ‘World AIDS Day,’ the inaugural China Masturbation Contest opened its curtains at Wutongshan Art Town, Shenzhen. Male contestants held water pails over the ‘important places.’”

Group masturbation in honor of World AIDS Day. Got it.

According to the description on the Youku video — hilariously set to People’s Liberation Army victory music — 10 male contestants participated. Perhaps one of them won, but then again… we don’t see how. Bring your best masturbation jokes to the comments section. Don’t let us down. Toss off the kids’ gloves. The more self-deprecating, the better.

When FamilyDoctor.com.cn is getting in on the action, you know something’s not right.