Post by earthhorse on Oct 4, 2018 19:52:59 GMT -5

elle this is so amazing! I remember seeing you pop up on this forum around the time I did, so I feel like you've done this journey with me and encouraged me too! So proud of you, and so happy for you. Things will only get better for you from here on out.

Also, I'm right behind you.

And, one thought: I told a friend today that I am finally able to let go of the sadness of "letting go of my wife." I always thought I would grow old with her, have grandkids together, etc and it was so heartbreaking to allow that in. But I realized just this week, that was never actually my dream because she was NEVER THAT PERSON. She was never the one who would let me in, who would grow in love, who would live through life with me. The dream I had created in my mind involves someone else. So while I'm sad to leave, it's easier knowing that I'm not actually letting go of that dream. I'm releasing her from it.

Post by shamwow on Oct 7, 2018 8:50:26 GMT -5

elle this is so amazing! I remember seeing you pop up on this forum around the time I did, so I feel like you've done this journey with me and encouraged me too! So proud of you, and so happy for you. Things will only get better for you from here on out.

Also, I'm right behind you.

And, one thought: I told a friend today that I am finally able to let go of the sadness of "letting go of my wife." I always thought I would grow old with her, have grandkids together, etc and it was so heartbreaking to allow that in. But I realized just this week, that was never actually my dream because she was NEVER THAT PERSON. She was never the one who would let me in, who would grow in love, who would live through life with me. The dream I had created in my mind involves someone else. So while I'm sad to leave, it's easier knowing that I'm not actually letting go of that dream. I'm releasing her from it.

Congrats again!

The way I put it when starting the divorce process is that I was "sad for what should have been."

It sounds like that's where you are right now.

Sham's Law #1: Everything in life is simple. First you figure out what you want. Second, you figure out how to get it. Third you do it. The first step, unfortunately happens to be the hardest.

Post by elle on Nov 9, 2018 19:32:18 GMT -5

Update: He moved out. After a 4 day honeymoon where I was ELATED to have him gone, I have started crying - a lot. I miss him. This is insanity. I know it. I made a list of why I couldn't stay in the marriage anymore, but it doesn't help unless I am actively reading it (so I should read it constantly??).

The house is quiet when he has the kids and I HATE it. I don't want to live like this. But I didn't want to live the other way either.

I guess I don't know what I want. Except I still wish I had my family.

Just being real. And real is: I miss my refuser and I am lonely and my house is too quiet and even the damn dogs can't settle down with the ex gone. They miss him too.

Post by worksforme2 on Nov 9, 2018 20:59:53 GMT -5

When my X actually drove away followed by the moving van I was relieved. And for the next week I felt pretty good. I slept better, I wasn't pre-thinking everything I spoke. It was all that I hoped for. Then the sadness found me and for the next week I had a steady stream of tears with small intermissions of normal activity. It was a difficult time. But gradually the tears dried up, the sadness gave way to being content that we had done the right thing. Give yourself permission to mourn the end of all the what could have and perhaps should have been for the relationship. Them pick yourself up, dust yourself off and reset your mind to make the most of the life ahead.

Post by warmways on Nov 9, 2018 23:49:57 GMT -5

((hugs)) I just want you to know that your feelings are “normal”. I was astonished at how sad I felt too. I thought I was so weird to want to go back to what I had been so upset by for years. I wasn’t prepared to miss him. I still do at times. Today it hit me extra hard. Our feelings are complicated but all emotions are valid. Only advice I can give is to feel what you feel no matter how awkward or painful and you’re already crying as you wrote so eventually you’re going to feel a little better bit by bit. I’m going through a similar thing. Just hang in and do anything that will give back to you and make you feel a little happier or comforted.

Post by choosinghappy on Nov 10, 2018 0:01:45 GMT -5

This is the emotional side which (I assume) we all have to go through. But I have no doubt your logical side will triumph once you’re done grieving. (No statute on how long that takes.) Until then, sending you hugs.

Post by misssunnybunny on Nov 10, 2018 12:10:40 GMT -5

{{hugs}} it is difficult, those first nights alone. At first it is freeing, then the quiet sinks in and we feel the alone-ness. You will get through this, and start feeling more comfortable with just you and the dogs. Cry, be angry, whatever feelings are there go through them. It does get better.

Post by elle on Nov 10, 2018 13:12:51 GMT -5

You guys are the best. Thanks for all the hugs and well wishes. I honestly was blindsided by the tears. I (naively) expected nothing but joy that he is finally gone. I cried again today. I guess I just have to go through this.

Post by workingonit on Nov 10, 2018 17:57:59 GMT -5

You really gave a huge part of yourself to this person and the ideal of this family. It is normal to grieve as you transform.

Take some time to pamper yourself. When the kids are gone make sure there is some serious Elle time scheduled. Massage, spa time, drinks with friends, whatever. Get some support - surround yourself with it right now.

And, of course, we are all here for you as well! Tight hugs girl! You got this!

Post by baza on Nov 10, 2018 18:29:08 GMT -5

You guys are the best. Thanks for all the hugs and well wishes. I honestly was blindsided by the tears. I (naively) expected nothing but joy that he is finally gone. I cried again today. I guess I just have to go through this.

Unfortunately Sister elle , there is no option of "nothing but joy" to be had in these situations - or in life generally.

Problems, and our responses to them, are part of the ongoing deal.

Thing is, in these ILIASM situations, that you trade in an old an intractible problem, but replace it with a new set of problems.Such as - how you are going to resolve the problems that come with being a single autonomous person.How you are going to manage co-parenting issues.How you are going to address taking care of yourself etc etcAnd then all the mundane problems inherent in life that are unrelated to the ILIASM aspect of your life.

Thing is, these "new" problems the dismantling of the ILIASM deal throws up, are manageable and resolveable problems.You are "trading up" to a better set of problems.

It is a process, and you are doing well at it.You've fixed the core problem (of being in an ILIASM deal)Now, for the next problem....

Post by elle on Nov 10, 2018 22:14:44 GMT -5

Unfortunately Sister elle , there is no option of "nothing but joy" to be had in these situations - or in life generally....You are "trading up" to a better set of problems.

It is a process, and you are doing well at it.You've fixed the core problem (of being in an ILIASM deal)Now, for the next problem....

Thanks Baza. Of course I knew my entire life wouldn’t be 100% joy, but I did think I’d feel nothing but joy over him being gone, if that makes sense. I wasn’t prepared to miss him - at all.

I’m glad I’m out, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. One saving grace is that I’ve learned he’s still drinking. (As if I thought that would stop when he left??) It’s a saving grace because it’s ultimately what I believe killed our marriage and something I absolutely could not live with any longer.

frednsa: i saw something on the wedding night (in the 60's) should have ended it during the honeymoon. i was played so perfectly. she is so wonderful in almost every other way, so...still wondering...thinking frigidity is a real thing and untreatableAug 29, 2019 12:07:04 GMT -5