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May 11, 2012

New Rules

New Rule: The media must stop calling the guy who keeps failing to blow up his underwear a "genius." You tried twice and you failed twice. Face it, the only way that the "underwear bomber" has affected our lives is when the guy in the next seat starts fiddling around under his blanket, we just pray he's masturbating.

New Rule: If Thor is a god, someone has to tell me why we need the other 15 Avengers. It's like having a pickup basketball game with a bunch of your friends, and Thor. I especially need to know why we need the Avengers whose super powers are archery and big-tits-and-a-handgun. I just need to know...

New Rule: Instead of going on TV every time the president comes to L.A. and rambling on and on about how Hollywood is a cesspool that has no values, right-wing TV personalities must come to one of our cocaine orgies and say it to our face.

New Rule: If Time magazine is really this desperate for attention--[slide of Time's "Are You Mom Enough?" cover]--it must be renamed, I'll Suck Your D**k for a Dollar.

Seriously, the print media has to die more gracefully. And, by the way, here's a tip that your child might be too old to breastfeed: when, after he finishes, he lights up a cigarette.

New Rule: The columnist for the right-wing Washington Times--[slide of Washington Times' Joseph Curl]--who suggested this week that Obama is a racist for not mentioning the death of one of the Beastie Boys because he was white, must be promoted to Fox News. That is such a spectacular piece of hackery, I can't believe Sean Hannity didn't think of it first.

It should win a reverse-Pulitzer. You, sir, deserve the right-wing trifecta: a gig on Fox, an AM radio show, and a deal for a sh**ty book called--[slide of book cover by Joseph Curl]--SCUM: How Liberal Something, Something Ruined America, Blah, Blah, Flag, Kicka**, Jesus.

Instead of going on TV every time the president comes to L.A. and rambling on and on about how Hollywood is a cesspool that has no values, right-wing TV personalities must come to one of our cocaine orgies and say it to our face.

And finally, New Rule: Since Joe Biden's gaffe on gay marriage is what finally got Obama to move on the issue, Joe Biden must make more gaffes. The historic change that took place this week wouldn't have happened if Joe didn't go off the reservation and say on TV last Sunday that he just thought everyone should know he was completely cool with two dudes doing it.

Three days later, the president agreed. Oh, Joe, would you please go on 'Meet the Press' this week and say, "Should marijuana be legalized? I'm high right now!"

That's right, folks. If we want historic change, we can either do it the president's way: slowly, using cool, detached reason, or the vice-president's way: quickly, using brain farts.

"Afghanistan? What a sh**hole! Let's get the f**k out now!!"

"Wall Street bankers? I can't believe we haven't hung any!"

"Global warming?! That's a big f**kin' deal, my friends."

Maybe Joe's gaffe will be the turning point where Democratic politicians realize that doing the right thing on social issues can actually be a winner politically, too.

Now, of course, there are still millions of people in America who think that homosexuality offends God, or that pot leads to hard drugs. But, they mainly belong to a specific demographic called "people who will be dead soon."

And that's not who you really want to build the future of your party around. Democrats need to get the memo that, by and large, the public has grown up. Gay characters are all over TV. High schools now have clubs for openly-gay teens. Whereas, when I was in school, it had to go by a secretive code name: "the football team."

Over half of Americans now approve of gay marriage. Up from just 27% in 1996. Six out of ten independents are for it. And I'm guessing there's another 20% that could be talked into it after a few drinks.

So, Mister President, the best thing your campaign has going for you isn't you. It's the Republicans. The angry, aggressively conservative base of their party scares the living hell out of every voting block you need to win. And, gay sex...gay sex is the thing that really makes the door in their foreheads open and the cuckoo bird pop out.

Oh, yes. Nothing gets their base stimulated like the thought of someone getting their base stimulated.

I mean, think about it. When were your re-election numbers looking the most promising? It was when Rick Santorum was in the news every day talking about sex. Americans may be disappointed in you, but, as soon as they heard "Little Ricky" hold forth on lady parts, they said, "Oh, geez, at least Obama doesn't think wet dreams are the devil's pee-pee."

Now, Mitt Romney wants to run this election on one issue: jobs. But, now that you've come out clearly for gay marriage, from now until November, Mitt has to talk about why he isn't for it. And that issue stays alive. He will be standing in front of a shuttered meat-packing plant saying, "Jobs," and everybody is going to be thinking, "meat packing."

He wants to talk about targeted tax cuts; this makes him address why Jesus hates "analingus." And I say that "tongue in cheek."

So even though they stumbled into it, kudos to Joe and Barry for finally saying out loud what we've always known they believed: that what two men do behind closed doors is between them and airport security.

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