The Chase Heats Up (Week 5)

Wow. Let’s wade through the wreckage of last night’s episode and see what, if anything, remains.

The guys and Joj’ traveled to Argentina, a place that for many will henceforth be known as the city of heartbreak (which is a misnomer because it’s a country, not a city. Viva Messi).

Eight men, all in their virile primes, stepped foot in the unforgiving city, and at one point it looked as if only four of them would be left standing at the end. In a turn of fate, only two men were slain, but all were put on notice: things are heating up.

It all started with a one-on-one date with Wells, and with the revelation that Wells has yet to kiss Jojo.

[world stops spinning]

What?

The dudes are incredulous. Half of them are stifling laughs. He hasn’t even kissed her yet?

This pallor hangs over Wells’ date until finally, mercifully, they kiss in a kind of dope suspended pool. But it’s too little too late. At the night portion of the date, Wells confides that his previous relationship ended because they realized they were really just friends. Jojo has a similar epiphany: she and Wells could probably be great friends, but LOVE is something else entirely. And Wells doesn’t see it the same way Jojo does.

The first to go.

The group date followed: Jordan, Luke, James T., Alex, and Robbie. That left Derek and Chase for an unprecedented second two-on-one date. But we’ll get to that later.

At the night portion of the group date James T. opens up… about Jordan.

During what must have been a truly traumatic card-playing incident, Jordan seemed to act a little… “entitled” is the word. Like he’s the be-all end-all of the universe. James is concerned. He thinks Jordan is just in it for the fame, not the right reasons.

This train of conversation dominated Jordan’s one-on-one time with Jojo. At this point Jordan has been on the defensive so often he should be a former pro defensive back rather than former pro quarterback. Weak joke? Fuck you.

Back with the dudes awkwardness ensues as everyone obviously knows what went down but Jordan takes his sweet time bringing it up. To his credit, James admits saying it. But, for real, it just came across as petty.

I mean, yeah, Jordan is obviously a slimy lothario in this for the fame, but maybe he’s also falling in love..? Whatever the case it’s just a bad look for James T., and gives Jordan the opportunity to overcome something with Jojo — even if it is his own sleaziness. The capacity to have a fight but make up is cherished in a couple, and you’re just handing Jordan free point by giving him a conflict to overcome. He’s a fucking pro — at more than just former football.

Après cela, le déluge.

The two-on-one was a roller coaster of feelings.

In the beginning, Derek was cocky — so cocky that you just knew he was going home…

But Chase was nervous and unsure, and confidence is key (as Raj on Big Bang Theory asks: “how come the key is never love handles and flop sweat?”). How is Chase supposed to sell himself if he doesn’t even believe in himself?

The ménage a trois went dancing, Tango style. Robbie is stiff and listless, Derek is passionnate and steady. It’s poetic.

In the one-on-one time Derek and Jojo affirm their connection. They look comfortable together. And Jojo and chase are exactly the opposite: Jojo feels like Chase isn’t reciprocating. Chase can’t believe it (although you can’t tell — he has about as much expression in his face as a rock).

Wow. I’m stunned.

The resemblance is uncanny.

But Chase realizes that now he has to open up, to put himself out there. What does he have to lose.

And when it comes time for the rose, Chase completes the comeback of the century to steal the rose right out of Derek’s grasp.

Chase is ecstatic, Derek is distraught. The rose that held the world at bay wretched from it’s porcelain perch, all the feels come crashing down on Derek.

Why open yourself up if all that will happen is you’ll get hurt?

“Why am I crying?”

“Stop crying”

[crying:] “I’m Derek, and Derek is imperfect.”

Oof.

After that the world went dark. The sky rained Derek’s tears upon the unforgiving Earth. And the rose ceremony began.

Chase and Luke (group date roses) safe, and Jordan being Jordan, and Robbie getting the first rose, only two men remained on the precipice of death but also the cusp of life.

James T. and Alex. Height and likability verses Alex. And Jojo… can’t do it. She runs outside where Chris Harrison awaits. She doesn’t want to give out this rose…

Will she send both of them home? Will only four men remain? I was sure of it. And then, well, the sky opened up and two roses appeared. Both were safe. The world has seen enough darkness for one day.

We’re at the point where the men all “love” or are “falling for” Jojo (whatever any of this means in the twisted bacheloretteverse). More men will be going home, and more tears will be falling. Honestly Derek might never recover.

But what is one semi-creepy man’s life — or any of these abbed-up beefcakes’ lives — in the grand scheme of things? Don’t forget why we’re here: for ABC to make money and for Jojo to find love.