Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi marry in August 2008, when same-sex marriage licences were still being issued in California. Photograph: Getty Images

As lesbian and gay couples in California wait for a decision on whether they will be allowed to marry, one Hollywood couple has reawakened another debate. Already married to the talkshow host Ellen DeGeneres, the actor Portia de Rossi has filed a petition at a Los Angeles court to take her partner's name.

The couple were married in California in August 2008, during a time when same-sex marriage licences were being issued. A subsequent amendment to the state constitution, approved by Californian voters in November of that year, banned gay marriage in the state, but just last week a judge in California overturned the ban. Now couples have been told they must wait until 18 August while the case is considered.

But even in the UK, where the civil partnership law has been in place since December 2005, the gay community is divided on the issue of how far we should adopt the traditions of heterosexual marriage, just because we can.

Though increasing numbers of heterosexual women are opting to keep their own surnames if they marry, De Rossi is not alone in the lesbian community. The broadcaster and comedian Sandi Toksvig's partner, Debbie Toksvig, changed her name for their civil partnership. Novelist Stella Duffy and playwright Shelley Silas decided on a double-barrelled surname when they tied the knot, immediately after the law was passed in December 2005. "It's not so much changing a name as adding a surname," says Silas. "So I am Shelley Duffy Silas and Stella is Stella Silas Duffy."

But with a burgeoning gay wedding industry emerging – including specifically marketed venues, photography, entertainment, even a Gay Wedding Show – some are asking whether the community is merely embracing the traditions and trappings of an outmoded, patriarchal institution. A poll published this week of almost 800 readers of Pink News found that the vast majority wanted equal marriage rights. The survey found that 98% agree that marriage laws should be gender-neutral; while just 2% feel civil partnerships are adequate. The question is not whether gay couples should be allowed to marry, but whether we should be campaigning for a new, more equal form of legally recognised union.

Silas says her civil partnership has changed the way she views her relationship. "Yes I do feel different, more respected by society – because having a ring on my finger shows that I am committed," she says. "After 20 years together, we love each other even more.

"If we are aping heterosexuals, so what? Declaring your love for someone is wonderful, having your loved ones there to witness it is even better."

But the crime novelist Val McDermid feels differently about her own civil partnership, a decision she made because her partner, Kelly, is American and it made immigration issues easier to deal with. "I'm glad that it's not called 'marriage'. For me, that offers us the possibility to avoid the pitfall of aping the worst aspects of heterosexual marriage, with its implicit roles and definitions. We have the opportunity to form relationship structures that mirror the reality of our lives," says McDermid. "Frankly, if we screw it up and turn into bad carbon copies of Stepford Wife heterosexuality, it's our own fault."

When Marj Morgan married her partner of 12 years, Paulette Smith (not her real name), in December 2005, Smith wanted Morgan to change her name. She refused. "I wanted to retain my identity," says Morgan, "and if I was going to change my name, which is my father's, it would be to my mother's and not any other woman's."

In informal situations Smith would introduce her as Marj Morgan-Smith. "I would cringe inside. She insisted because, in her opinion, it showed that we were 'together'."

The couple are now divorcing. "I'm not sure if the civil partnership brought with it issues of permanence that also meant behaving like a heterosexual couple," says Morgan, "but I am pleased that I did not change my name."

There are gay couples who wholeheartedly embrace today's expectations of a traditional, lavish, wedding. De Rossi married DeGeneres in a white, Zac Posen wedding dress, and when retail expert and TV presenter Mary Portas married Grazia magazine's fashion-editor-at-large Melanie Rickey, both wore dresses designed by Antonio Berardi.

Saffy and Kate, who did not want to give their surnames, were married in 2006 for legal reasons. "Kate had cancer and I wanted to be recognised as her next of kin," says Saffy. But in January this year, they decided to renew their vows. "It was purely for romance," says Saffy, who wore a traditional wedding dress. Kate donned a morning suit. The couple hired a limo to take them to the venue, and a friend walked Saffy down the aisle, followed by a maid of honour. There were speeches, a wedding breakfast, a top table, and a first dance for the happy couple.

Their wedding and honeymoon – island hopping in Greece – came to £4,000, and both women say it was the happiest day of their lives. "It was the day I always dreamed of," says Saffy.

At the other end of the spectrum, my civil partnership, four years ago, was nothing like a wedding. I had been with my partner for 19 years and we wanted to be recognised as each other's next of kin. A small number of our friends disapproved, despite our low-key approach. We were accused of "selling out", and while we understood, and mainly agree with, the feminist arguments against civil partnerships, what we now refer to as "Civilgate" was deeply hurtful. Some friendships have never recovered.

It's an emotive issue, and one which divides opinion. Many feminists argue, as I do, that marriage is an oppressive institution, and that we should be campaigning to replace it with civil partnerships for all.

In the meantime, De Rossi should be allowed to change her name. Lesbian and gay couples should celebrate their civil partnerships exactly as they wish. Just don't expect to find me dancing to Lady in Red or eating Coronation Chicken anytime soon.