You don’t know, man! You weren’t there!

08:00 PST: Having abandoned the lower yard during the monsoons, I was sent on a recon mission to assess the situation and ordnance needed. I observed more weeds than I have ever seen and retreated to House Force 1/Garage Attachment.

08:11 PST: Desperate times. I opted for 2 gallons of barely diluted Round-Up as I will be alone in the mission and am greatly outnumbered. Having successfully snuck up on the enemy, I was immediately set upon by a nest of bees. I knew they were strong but did not expect attacks from their aerial apian allies. I retreated for more weaponry and assistance.

08:23 PST: Now armed with Round Up, Wasp spray and a new plan of attack, I’ve decided for a full frontal assault. Screaming I ran into the fray but poorly calculated the velocity of Wasp Spray vs. my speed and ran face first into my own stream. Blinded and in great pain, I fell to the ground and into a giant patch of poison ivy. I’ve decided to amend my plan of attack out of the range of dive bombing bees. My assistance never arrived to the battlefield and only manifested to point at me and laugh through the picture window.

09:31 PST: I made a bath of oatmeal which both stops the itching a serves as a makeshift carapace against stingers. Though I am bright white now, I know the enemy already expects me so don’t think it will matter. Beset on all sides, I quickly cut a swath of destruction and made my way to the border. Mrs. Havenhurst, having thought she’d seen a ghost, ran screaming into their command post. Border tensions were already high after the Cinco de Mayo bonfire and midnight trumpeting contest, but when Mr. Havenhurst suggested I was standing on a his gardenia which was obviously on our side of the border, things de-escalated into a hose fight. I opted for asymmetrical warfare, spraying Mr. Havenhurst in the groin and then yelling to the assembled neighbors that he’d obviously wet his pants. This proved to be a valid strategy and I emerged victorious.

Aftermath: I feel a changed man, someone who will never again be able to have a part in society. What I experienced today fundamentally changed my view of life. I fear I will be doomed to walk the roads, my weed-lust an itch I can never quite scratch, my thirst for chlorophyll never sated….