My big white wedding doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist

You can be married and still be empowered

Poor Qin Kai, the Chinese athlete who dared to publicly propose to his girlfriend, diver He Zi, after her silver medal win at the Olympics this month.

Globally lambasted and accused of trying to “control” her, what cruel nonsense turning a romantic gesture and public declaration of love into a cruel exertion of sexual politics.

And how patronising to his now fiancé, this assumption that she is such a helpless creature she could be so easily dominated and controlled by a man.

Her tears at his proposal were ones of happiness (and probably post-dive exhaustion), not of despair, anyone can see that.

Qin Kai, I feel your pain because I too encountered my fair share of criticism when it came to my own wedding day choices.

Every now and then I like to take a peek at the dress I wore on my wedding day in April 2014, now wrapped in tissue paper, in a special storage box in my wardrobe.

With its lace sleeves, frothy tulle skirt and fitted bodice, it’s a fairy tale dress, and just looking at it evokes so many happy memories.

It reminds me of the day I felt my most beautiful, of the day I committed myself to the man I love, and the day everyone I cherish came together to celebrate our happiness.

Does it remind me of the day I sacrificed my feminist principles? Of course not!

Paula O&#039;Hara

In fact, getting married was actually one of the most empowering experiences of my life, and I feel no guilt whatsoever at enjoying some of the traditions which are often - unfairly in my opinion - derided as misogynist and sexist.

Isn’t feminism meant to be about giving women choices? So if we choose to embrace these traditions, how exactly are we being oppressed?

My husband Malcolm, 34, proposed on one knee, at the Scottish loch where we’d first met at a wedding in 2010.

He’d asked my father’s permission the day before, and knowing I’d want to choose my own ring, followed his proposal with the news we were going diamond ring shopping the next day.

It was perfect, romantic, and as far as I’m concerned not in the least bit sexist.

And according to a recent survey a lot of women agree with me, with 70% wanting a proposal on bended knee and 36% believing their father should be consulted.

The idea feminism and a traditionalist approach to marriage can’t be combined is nonsense.

It was me who wanted a traditional proposal, Malcolm didn’t force it on me, and it didn’t alter the very equal relationship we have. He was as honoured I agreed to marry him, as I was to be asked.

While planning our big day, I lost count of the raised eyebrows when I revealed that my parents were picking up the bill for the entire day, including hosting 170 guests at a 5-star hotel in my native Northern Ireland.

While no one said so to my face, I knew what they were thinking. That, aged 32, if I wanted such a big wedding with all the trimmings, shouldn’t I be paying for it myself? That I was somehow less of an independent woman for accepting such a generous gesture from my family.

Then there was the militant feminist friend who spluttered with rage into her wine one night when I announced I was planning to be ‘given away’ by my father after he’d walked me up aisle.

“But you’re not a piece of property!” she screeched. “How can you buy into something so archaic and wrong?”

Of course I’m bloody not. And my father and Malcolm know that better than anyone.

I understand that many moons ago a marriage may have been seen as an exchange of property. But unless I’m mistaken, we’re now in 2016 not 1816, and while the traditions may remain the same, the meaning behind them has changed.

For me it was symbolic; marking the end of one chapter of my life, as a daughter, and starting a new one as a wife. Nothing to do with me being a mere chattel.

And of course there was my dress itself.

Paula O&#039;Hara

Yes, I felt like a princess in it, yes it was white (despite the fact Malcolm and I had been living together for two years before we got married) and no, I don’t agree that I betrayed feminism by wanting to feel beautiful and glamorous on such an important day.

Surely we have moved on from the old symbolism about a white dress and the bride’s virginity. Come on, no one buys into that anymore do they? Wear whatever colour dress you want, it’s about feeling good, nothing more.

I made just as many choices not to embrace some traditions, insisting on giving my own speech rather than sit at the top table mute during our wedding reception, and keeping my maiden name rather than adopting my husband’s. Not to make any grand political statement, but because that’s what felt right for me.

The decision about my name particularly attracted even more criticism and accusations of being a “bra burning feminist”, particularly from older female relatives, than my supposedly anti-feminist choices.

Proving that when it comes to weddings you will never please everyone, so should just do what you feel is right for you and your husband to be.

A lesson I hope He Zi and Qin Kai will adopt when planning their own nuptials!

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