Katy Perry and Rihanna Caught Bumping and Grinding All Up in the Club

Today in celebrity gossip: Two famous women danced with each other in a night club, Selena Gomez and Orlando Bloom torment their exes, and Willie Nelson is excellent at martial arts.

Two famous pop stars named Katy Perry and Rihanna were recently spotted dancing VERY closely at the New York nightclub 1Oak and it was, as Page Six's source excitedly put it, "one step away from a lesbian love scene!" That's right, in their close dancing Katy Perry and Rihanna were like a couple of homosexuals from birth, dealing with the lifelong struggle against a society that aggressively roots out and rejects deviations from sexual heteronormativity. These ostensible lesbian women celebrated their so-close-yet-so-far gains in popular acceptance like any lesbians would, by bumping-and-grinding in plain view of Leonardo DiCaprio while Katy Perry's boyfriend Diplo DJ-ed. The two likely lesbians later went on to party until around 5am, and in this case "partying" presumably included long conversations about when they first realized they were lesbians; reminiscences of their first fumbling attempts at forming romantic bonds with others despite being raised in a culture where all mainstream representations of love seemed alien to them; and all the best places to go antiquing in Sonoma. Also, "Perry was later seen spraying her pals with a bottle of Cristal." Just your typical [lesbian] love in the club! [Page Six]

This photograph is perfect, obviously. Their faces! Anyway, now Page Six has posted a piece speculating that there's more going on here than simple mutual infatuation: "the two might be looking to get back at their famous exes, Justin Bieber and Miranda Kerr." WHAT? How could that be possible? We humans never, ever rebound with people meant to make our exes feel jealous. Just kidding, that is 90% of the reason ANY relationships start. Way to crack the case there, Page Six. [Page Six]

Speaking of Selena Gomez, it's grimly amusing just how much gossip-rag play the story of her mass Instagram unfollow has been getting. At the time Gomez unfollowed every single one of her friends on Instagram the common wisdom was that she'd grown suddenly tired of her hard-partying peers and was going to devote herself to, like, church or whatever. (The church of Orlando Bloom's downtown region maybe! Sorry.) But primary unfollowees Kylie and Kendall Jenner are now intimating to TMZ that Gomez was the bad influence, not them: "Not only do Kendall and Kylie eschew drugs and alcohol ... they believe Selena's the real drama-obsessed party girl. After all, she's the one who's been to rehab." Sure, ladies. Interesting angle. Meanwhile Austin Mahone, hopeful Bieber throne usurper, was pretty good-natured about his unfollow, telling an interviewer at the Radio Disney Music Awards, "I was like, 'I wonder if Selena's still following my Instagram.' So I checked, and she was following zero people, and this is me … [motioning] a single tear." (It should be noted that Selena Gomez is now missing out on images like THIS.) But this all brings us back to Selena Gomez's now-blank Instagram feed. It's honestly enviable! Couldn't we ALL benefit from no longer staring at our phones in states of abject jealousy as image after image of our acquaintances' misleadingly glamorous lives scroll before our eyes? Maybe it wasn't Selena Gomez's friends that were the bad influence, it was Instagram itself? Maybe she'd grown weary of gratuitously "heart"-ing images of feet in front of swimming pools and also group selfies taken at parties to which she wasn't invited? Just a thought, just a simple thought. [TMZ, Us Weekly]

Everybody now knows that Paul Simon and wife Edie Brickellwere arrested this week for the vague charge of "disorderly conduct," but here's a quick follow-up with a bit more explanation: The disorderly conduct did indeed spring from an initial domestic disturbance complaint. According to Page Six, police arrived at their New Canaan, Connecticut, home after a 911 hangup only to find the couple in a very heated argument with a bit of mutual shoving thrown in for good measure. Brickell has since explained the situation via her lawyer: "I got my feelings hurt and picked a fight with my husband. The police called it disorderly. Thank God it’s orderly now." In their subsequent joint courtroom appearance Simon waved off the entire incident, claiming that "Both of us are fine together. We’re going home together, and we’re going to watch our son play baseball." So you see, it's fine, everything is fine. [Page Six, TMZ]

It turns out all those high-pitched grunts you'd been hearing followed by the noises of everything in the streets being chopped in half were due to Willie Nelson earning his fifth-degree black belt in martial arts! The 81-year-old will be testing his next-level skills in Gong Kwon Yu Sul this Monday, so watch out, everybody. We need to hope and pray that he uses his abilities for good rather than evil because trust me, there is no stopping Willie Nelson now. Also, this picture is the best:

Please don't go and do the mental math on this, but Victoria Beckham just turned 40! (Oh, we are all so old.) Obviously the erstwhile Posh Spice threw a big bash and to help her celebrate, former Spices Baby and Sporty were in attendance. People of the world, spice up your life with this image from Victoria Beckham's Twitter feed:

Finally, some sad news. DJ E-Z Rock, the musical brains behind legendary '80s hip-hop hit "It Takes Two," has died. Though TMZ has no details on why exactly the Grim Reaper decided to steal the 46-year-old from this realm, they acknowledge what everybody knows to be true: "It Takes Two" is so, so good even today. Rob Base's lyrics remain amazing ("I like the Whopper, f**k the Big Mac.") and what better way to honor E-Z Rock's passing than revisiting this eternal classic right this very minute?