Hey guys, I haven't been here much, but I've read quite a few of the fan fictions here, and thought I'd give it a shot. I've written fan fictions before, but never one for Housepets!, so go easy on me! But really, I would love some constructive criticism so I can try and improve my work as I write more to this, I feel I have some problems with pacing and word choice at times.

Also, this is gonna be somewhat of a sadder story, but not too sad!

Chapter 1

It was a snowy December day in Babylon Gardens, and Peanut had decided it would be the perfect day to play in the snow. He had his collar, his scarf, he was only missing one thing.

"GRAAAAAAAAAPE!"

Grape shoved her pillow over her ears, trying to drown out the dog's cries. She shut her eyes as tight as she could, desperately wanting to go to sleep. This never worked of course. Peanut walked up next to her bed, she looked so peaceful, yet so aggravated.

"What do you want Peanut?" She mumbled from the depths of her pillow.

Peanut put on his usual grin. "It just snowed, so I thought we could go play in the snow for a bit!"

Grape mumbled to herself for a few moments, Peanut unable to understand what she was saying. She lifted her head out from under her pillow and glared at Peanut and his huge grin. Her eyes were half closed and her fur was messy. Peanut's grin did not leave as he stared back at the cat eagerly, waiting for her response.

"Fine, we'll go play."

"Awesome! Get your scarf, I'll meet you downstairs." Peanut said as he walked downstairs to wait for her by the door.

The purple cat rubbed her eyes and shook herself awake. She grabbed her scarf and headed down to meet him, while mumbling under her breath.

"You silly dog you... If I didn't love you I'd kill you." She mumbled as she met up with Peanut.

"Say what?" Peanut asked, looking at Grape.

"I said lets go play!" She said with a half faked smile.

----

After playing in the snow for several hours, the two pets laid down in the snow, still laughing from their playtime. They had built snowmen, raced around town, made countless snow angels, and lived out the wildest fantasies their imaginations could come up with that day. Grape was happy she got out of bed today. She loved playing with Peanut so much, almost too much. She loved her best friend to death, and she knew Peanut felt the same.

"Too... much... fun..." Peanut said between pants.

"We always have too much fun..." Grape whispered, exhausted as well.

Peanut sat up quickly and sneezed into his arm and sniffled. He shook his head, Grape could tell he was probably not feeling the best.

"C'mon you, lets get inside. Mom's gonna have a fit if you get sick."

Grape helped Peanut up and started dragging him back home, ignoring his pleas to stay and play more. He even tried flashing his cute puppy dog eyes. She would have none of it. Along the way he coughed a few more times and sniffled, sounding worse.

All there are are two incredibly minor spelling and punctuation problems:

Quote:

Peanut walked up next to her bed, she looked so peaceful, yet so aggravated.

That first comma is superfluous, and would be fixed with a period, em dash (-) or semicolon (;) - whichever one feels better to use.

Quote:

She started to panick.

I believe the proper form of that word is just panic, without the k.

Everything else is fine.

Thanks for pointing these things out, I don't know how the misspelling got by me.

Thu Oct 20, 2011 1:52 am

DoctorDoc

Joined: Thu Oct 06, 2011 12:00 amPosts: 22

Re: My First Housepets Fan Fiction

An update! It's a fairly short one, I'm not very good at writing long chapters yet, I hope I become able to though. I felt that this one was a little fast and could have been written differently paced, but it's still something I need to work on. Constructive criticism is welcomed, and thanks for reading!

Chapter 2

The Next Day

----

"Grape, you really need to eat something." Earl softly said to the cat who had not left Peanut's bedside.

She hadn't slept since the day Peanut collapsed, she was there, dragging him home through the snow, in the back seat of the car with Earl speeding down the icy roads to get Peanut to the hospital. Through the tests they did, the needles they put in him, she was right there next to her best friend in the whole wide world, and she wasn't leaving for anything.

"I'm not hungry Dad." She gripped Peanut's hand tighter.

Earl sighed, he knew he would not get through to the stubborn cat. Thats what him and his wife both loved about her though, her stubbornness. It was her stubborn determination to not leave Peanut's side that gave him and his wife a little happiness about the whole situation. It gave them hope. He sat back down next to Mrs. Sandwich and held her hand.

Everyone stood up in anticipation when the doctor walked into the room, all eyes were on him.

"What's the news doctor, is he going to be OK?" Earl asked, impatiently. He was obviously worried.

"Right now he is stable and seems to be fine, but we still need to run a few tests though..." His voice was as soft and comforting as he could make it.

"Well, that's good-" Earl was cut off by a groaning noise coming from Peanut.

"Graaaape..." He moaned, his voice soft and hoarse.

"PEANUT!" Grape yelled as she wrapped her arms around the dog, burying her head under his head. "I was so scared!"

Grape didn't respond, her sobs too thick to push words through. Just when she though she had no more tears in her, she flooded Peanut's fur with them. Her arms gripped the dog even tighter, like he was going to be taken away from her.

Mr. and Mrs. Sandwich hugged each other with relief and moved over to the bed, happy that their beloved pet was all right.

Earl patted Peanut's head. "Hey there sport, how are ya feeling?"

Peanut rested his head on Grape's, his eyelids heavy. "OK, I guess, I'm tired... what happened? The last thing I remember was playing in the snow with Grape..."

While Mr. and Mrs. Sandwich explained what happened to Peanut, Grape paid no attention to what they were saying. All that mattered to her was that Peanut was back and in her arms. It was all she could ever ask for.

Sat Oct 22, 2011 2:27 am

Rollofthedice

Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2011 10:08 pmPosts: 231Location: Texas

Re: My First Housepets Fan Fiction

I'm enjoying everything so far. Keep it up!

While you write well, especially when regarding fanfiction stories in general, there are a few things to point out:

Quote:

She hadn't slept since the day Peanut collapsed, she was there, dragging him home through the snow, in the back seat of the car with Earl speeding down the icy roads to get Peanut to the hospital.

This sentence is rather confusing to read, in that past and present tenses aren't fully established at all. The reader gets the idea that Grape was dragging Peanut through the snow while in the back seat of a car, which sounds like a very painful way of getting a person places. I suggest using such words as when, while, before, and after when you're dealing with flashbacks and tenses interacting with verbs. The best way to fix this sentence in particular would probably be this:

Quote:

She hadn't slept since the day Peanut collapsed, when she was there, after dragging him home through the snow, in the back seat of the car with Earl speeding down the icy roads to get Peanut to the hospital.

(The there I striked out is a bit redundant when changes to the sentence are added)

You might want to give ownership to the car that is being referred to as well, as in "..in the back seat of the Sandwiches' car with Earl speeding down..."Adding more specifics to the car itself wouldn't hurt either; what brand the car is, for example, or its age or color. I know it sounds like nitpicking, but one of the largest traps writers fall into (including myself, I'm certain) is failing to describe scenes, objects and locations well enough to fire the readers' imaginations.

Finally, try to control your usage of commas. I'm not entirely certain how to explain this, so please refer to this link: http://www.writing-world.com/basics/comma.shtml. There is one piece of advice on there that is especially helpful -

"If you can substitute a period for a comma, then something is wrong with the comma. "

---

Sorry if I sound like I'm just endlessly criticizing or something. This is shaping up to be a good story, regardless of my complaints. I'd just love for it to be even better, that's all!

The reader gets the idea that Grape was dragging Peanut through the snow while in the back seat of a car, which sounds like a very painful way of getting a person places.

That has to be the single best sentence I've read this week.

Anyway, this is shaping up to be good, as has been said, but I feel that this chapter was definitely weaker than your first. In addition to what Dice pointed out, I would like to say that I was a little confused when Peanut suddenly woke up - Wasn't the doctor just asking everyone to leave so he could do some tests? And where did the doctor go, anyway? He just sort of faded from existence. You should make sure that your chapters explain everything they should be explaining (Though still maintaining secret things the reader shouldn't know yet), even if you have to delay it and post it later.

Additionally, I'm pretty sure Dice mentioned this, but you can rarely go wrong with using more adjectives - using too many is bad, but not enough means the reader can't tell what's going on.

Anyway, pretty good so far, keep it up!

_________________

Sat Oct 22, 2011 8:35 am

DoctorDoc

Joined: Thu Oct 06, 2011 12:00 amPosts: 22

Re: My First Housepets Fan Fiction

Thanks for the tips guys, they've been helpful to the next bit I've been writing. Looking over it, the second update seemed sloppily put together, and I'm trying to be slower and more deliberate with this next part. The next part isn't going to have all the sad plot bits I wanted, but will be something a little fluffier that happens before then, because I want to have a little more experience writing this stuff. So really the next update will be me trying to the very best of my ability to write something well with all the pointers I've gotten from you guys and others. So thanks again for the feedback, and thanks for reading!

technically, he could have just said "her head under his" but saying she buried her head under his chin actually sounds better in general.

_________________I'm a shape-shifter. I'm currently in whatever form I feel likeParadigm Shift by meI do not actually believe any of what I'm saying.RP character sheets

Sun Oct 23, 2011 12:53 pm

DoctorDoc

Joined: Thu Oct 06, 2011 12:00 amPosts: 22

Re: My First Housepets Fan Fiction

This is the short bit I talked about earlier, again it's less to advance the plot and more to practice. I did my best to double check it while keeping in mind what you guys said. While writing I got a little paranoid about some things, so I might have neglected other aspects. I would love more constructive criticism, and you guys have been absolutely fantastic about providing it, and hopefully it will start to rub off onto my writing soon.

Chapter 3

Grape was walking through a grassy meadow on a sunny day. It was always the same sunny day and the same grassy meadow. The nightmare never changed. Every single time she had it she would run through the exact same motions, the exact same steps. It never made the nightmare less scary.

She brushed her hand gently against the tall soft grass. The sun beat down on her fur, warming her up and making her sigh with pleasure from it all. Grape thought nothing could make the day better until she saw just the thing to prove her wrong.

She spotted Peanut in the distance slowly moving towards her. She broke into a run, moving her legs as fast as she could towards her beloved friend, Peanut doing the same. As she ran the meadow seemed to only get greener as the sun only brightened the moment more. She held out her arms towards him, ready to embrace the dog. Time slowed down as they drew closer to each other. Nothing was going to ruin this happy moment for Grape.

Just as she is about to wrap her arms around him, the world vanished into inky black darkness. The bright meadow and the bright blue sky are gone. The sun that brightened the whole dream had gone out. Peanut was gone. Grape was left scared and alone.

She didn't know what was going on anymore. She cried out in her confusion over and over to him.

"Peanut? Where are you? Please, Peanut!"

Every time she cried out the same and every time nobody ever responded. This time however, was different.

"I'm right here." A soft voice whispered.

Grape knew exactly who it was as she felt Peanut's soft arms wrap around her body. She curled up and closed her eyes happily with the knowledge that she was safe now. She knew she didn't have to be scared and alone anymore.

Mon Oct 24, 2011 12:45 am

Rollofthedice

Joined: Tue Jun 28, 2011 10:08 pmPosts: 231Location: Texas

Re: My First Housepets Fan Fiction

Yeah, there are definitely improvements over the second chapter. Any problems that I see at the moment are comparatively minor ones, and easily fixable - along with some nitpicks I have that are based more on opinion than technicality.

It would perhaps flow better to bump 'The nightmare never changed' up to the first sentence of the first paragraph. It's a bit more dramatic that way, and better defines the rest of the scene as a nightmare/dream.

There should be a comma between 'tall' and 'soft' in the second paragraph, if only because it adds a needed pause between the two words when reading.

Quote:

As she ran the meadow seemed to only get greener as the sun only brightened the moment more.

Slight repetition of words there. I'm not saying that only should never be used twice or something, but it's nice to have some variety in adjectives and verbs. A good rule of thumb (for me, at least) is not to use the same descriptive word more than once every three or so sentences, depending on how long or short said sentences happen to be.

Quote:

Just as she is about to wrap her arms around him, the world vanished into inky black darkness. The bright meadow and the bright blue sky are gone. The sun that brightened the whole dream had gone out. Peanut was gone. Grape was left scared and alone.

Confusion of tenses are underlined. Remember that in an omniscent third-person narrative - which this story is - everything is written as if it already took place.

Everything else looks fine to me. I'm looking forward to the rest of the story.

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