(Closed) My mom isn’t invited to our wedding…long. And weird.

So I seriously think I’m going to have a stroke or pass out or something!

First, let me say this isn’t wedding related per-se, but it is too. My mom has this thing she does, and has always done, with every single boyfriend I have ever had, starting with the very first one I had when I was 15, where she asks very politely for their phone number when we go out “just in case” or when we go out of town or something. Or she will take it from my phone. I will warn them, but it’s hard to believe and after a few months or years of dating someone, eventually the mom comes into play.

On the surface, she acts normal. She welcomes them. She’s nice to them.

Then the crazy starts.

As time goes on, and the longer we date, she starts to call my boyfriends and tell them things about me that she makes up. She tells them I’m dying of cancer, I was in an accident, I have an STD (that was horribly embarassing and untrue), I’m infertile (worse), the list goes on and on. Eventually, the guy that I’m dating will say to me, “So what’s up with your mom?” Mind you, this has happened with every guy I’ve dated in three different states over the course of more than ten years. I didn’t believe it at first, but it KEPT HAPPENING.

When I was in college, she would show up, driving many hours, to come to my apartment, and bang on windows and doors, yelling and screaming threatening things, which once caused me to be move and forfeit my security deposit just out of embarassment.

She always wants to borrow money. Unfortunately, she thinks she should have anything and everything I have and has since I started working at 14. She frequently is without a home and needs a place to stay, and I’ve always let her come and stay and given her what she needed. In case you can’t guess, I left for college at 17 and paid for that myself, and have been working since graduation. I host the family dinners and holidays, and invite my family (including my mother) if she chooses to come.

Up until last year.

My fiance and I met a few years ago, and when we started dating my mom was supportive and her usual “normal” self, but I did tell him to be wary. Sure enough, about 2 years in, we are living together and about to be engaged, and she is down on her luck with no place to go. We invited her to stay with us while she got on her feet. She completely took advantage of us in ways I don’t feel comfortable discussing, but suffice it to say she drained us of some money and put us in a situation we did not feel comfortable with. Fiance was totally supportive of her staying with us, helping her get around (no car), and doing whatever she wanted or needed. His rule was that I decided when she stayed and when she went. She left on her own, but I was really sour about the experience and in the ways I knew she had taken advantage of us, and mainly me.

A few months later we were engaged, and she was back in the same situation. She wanted to come and “visit” (re: stay, because she had nowhere else to go). I said okay, but reminded her of certain things I didn’t agree with and that she had violated in the past, and the ways she had taken advantage of. She said that she was sorry and things were “different”.

They were NOT different. They were WORSE. She showed up with a perfect stranger in tow that she also wanted us to take in. We had random people dropping by our house at all hours (and I work from home full time). She started calling my future in laws to ask them to borrow money. She also told them that we were treating her terribly and abusing her.

Of course, my future mother in law calls me and my fiance to come over and rips us a new a-hole to find out what the hell is going on. I hit the roof inside. I explained that we hadn’t done anything wrong, and what was really going on. My fiance hit the roof that he was being accused of all of these things. Future Mother-In-Law apologized, but it really put a damper on what was a really great relationship for a few months until that wound healed.

Anyhow, the whole time she is staying with us is a nightmare, but we had an engagement party scheduled. I put my foot down and told her she had to leave before our party. Mind you, our house looked like something out of Hoarders at the time–she had filled it with stuff, and with the comings and goings and other things she was doing…and I didn’t want her to meet anyone in her condition. God forbid she get their phone number…

She tells me that I don’t deserve to have a home, that I’m a piece of shit, and that my fiance is worse, and she hopes we get divorced. She also said that she hopes if he hasn’t started beating me yet that he does soon because clearly I need it. I told her that until she changed her life, I couldn’t have her in mine.

My fiance takes her to the airport and I do not go (I’m not speaking to her at this point because I just don’t have anything else to say). He calls me after dropping her off and says basically that my mother is probably the cruelest woman he has ever met, and tells me some of the things she has said, and that he is sorry, but he is no longer willing to transport her unless I am with him, and would prefer to pay for her to stay in a hotel rather than stay with us ever again if I choose to invite her in.

My mother and I haven’t spoken in a few months, but I heard from relatives that she has told everyone (again) that I’m infertile and had to have a hysterectomy (not true and why does she keep wishing that), and that my fiance is abusive and some other derrogatory things.

Today, after months, she called to ask for money. I told her no. She asked if she was invited to the wedding, and I told her no, because I do not want someone at my wedding who wishes me to be infertile, beaten, and divorced. She then told me I was a piece of shit who deserved every bad thing in the world that I had coming to me. She has been calling and leaving me messages of a similar nature throughout the day, insulting me and my fiance. She’s told me that I have denied her the joy of planning a wedding (even though she isn’t paying for any of it, and it’s my wedding, and she’s too high to remember anything anyhow?!).

We don’t do anything wrong. We just work, stay home with each other and our dogs, and spend time with my dad’s family and his family. I don’t understand why I have to deal with this.

I’m seriously about to have a nervous breakdown. In full disclosure, I actually made an appt with a counselor because it’s just too much–her calling and all the awful things she is saying. I’m only keeping the messages because I want a counselor to hear them and tell me if I should take out a restraining order or something. I’m also listening to them in case she threatens to come to the house so I can be aware and call someone (she’s shown up banging and threatening to kill me before for not loaning her money…but unfortunately when you own your home you can’t pick up and move out of embarassment). I’m so frightened of how she acts when she gets like this that I have ADT coming out tomorrow and am considering having them install an alarm system.

I don’t want her calling my future in laws, or my fiance.

And I really hope she doesn’t just randomly decide to show up at my wedding.

I know she is your mother, but sometimes blood doesn’t matter and this is one of those times. Addiction can make even the most loving people, crazy, selfish, and abusive. It’s time for you to take a stand. You need to get a restraining order. If she violates it, you have her arrested. Perhaps, this is the only way for her to make a life change. Huge gigantic (((hugs))). I must say that I have similar style family members(brother) who I allowed to do similar things. It wasn’t until after I put myself first, realized that by offering money and a home I was actually contributing, and new that I wanted “my” family to not have to experience any part of him, that I was able to heal and move on.

First off, legal recourse. I know, it sounds horrible, but she’s being horrible. Change your number and make it known to anyone who talks to her that if the new one is given to her, no one else will get the next new number. Period.

She’s stalking and harrassing you. Talk to the police. Get a restraining order in place if possible or find out how best to get legal action in place.

Make sure your family knows that she is NOT welcome and you do NOT want her invited or anywhere near your wedding. Hopefully your family will understand.

Have some sort of security at your venue(s) and give them a photo (as recent as possible) with a list of names of guests. Make sure they know to NOT let her in.

Wow, I am so sorry you have to be dealing with this. It sounds like she has some serious mental health issues (and maybe substance abuse?) that she is not trying to fix. For the sake of your own sanity and relationships, I think you are doing the right thing. If it comes up, I suggest you make it clear to the rest of your family that she is NOT welcome at the wedding. It sounds very likely that she would cause a scene and ruin it. So sorry 🙁

@teaadntoast: We can, and I am thinking of looking into it. We are publishing the ceremony info pretty openly because I wasn’t as concerned, but I may talk to my fiance about having a doorperson and the venue about whether or not they allow security and how that works.

I just feel so ridiculous. I mean it’s my MOTHER. You know? It’s not some stranger. I feel like the county has better things to do that meddle in family problems. But my dad called me today and said to me, “You know…I hate to say this…but if she comes…just call them. Because I really think she would really want to hurt you.” I wanted to cry.

Oh God I am sorry. Do you think she’s schizophrenic or has some other mental disorder? Even so though, I know many wont’ take their meds… and you do not need this in your life, mom or not (and I say that as a mother myself). HUGS to you. Wish I had useful advice.

Your mom tops my mom on the crazy scale. But I totally empathize with you on the wishing you ill and telling you what a piece of shit you are part of the post–my mother is eerily similar. I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world.

Ugh, I am so sorry you have been put through this. My mother and I cut off my grandmother (my mom’s mom) almost a year ago. I had such guilt because shes my GRANDMOTHER you know? But in the end its just genetics, she’s a toxic person and you deserve better. One of the bees posted a link about toxic relationships a few months ago and it was really helpful to read (going to look for it now). Do whatever you need to protect yourself.

@blu77: I really do think she has some sort of schizophrenia or manic depressiveness or similar. And another poster mentioned substance abuse, and that is definitely a core issue here and the one I object to most and will not allow in my home (which she does not seem to understand). But she’s so paranoid she won’t get help. She’s convinced if she goes to therapy once they’ll make a file about her and it will follow her everywhere she goes. That’s more important to her than getting help–that, and whatever this lifestyle does for her. Unfortunately, she was a nurse for many years as well and so she’s pretty good at understanding how healthcare works. She can’t work now (obviously) but still uses her knowledge to get the things she does want, and they aren’t good things.

((hugs)) …first im so sorry you are dealing with this type of situation. Especially from someone who is supposed to play such a different role in your life let alone your wedding. What a good guy you have to be so supportive through all of this. And what a strong and good hearted person you are to repeatedly try and see some good in your mother and still care so much for her. I understand that as her daughter you obviously did not want to see your mother on the street or without a place to stay but coming from a household where we have had extended family stay with us, someone with a bad addiction actually, I can say that all it does is enable them to live the life that they do. It was a hard step to take but these family members are no longer in my life. At some point you have to realize that things will not get better nor will they change until she decides to change them. You can love her all you want and do as much as you want but in the end it will mostly be impossible to have her in your life given her circumstances. I think the idea of a restraining order sounds good, just for your own safety.

someone said something to me years ago in regards to dealing with someone who has an addiction and it stuck with me. Someone who has an addiction is incapable of being in a functional relationship (familial or romantic) with anyone because they already have a relationship that they are dedicated to and that is their relationship with that addiction. I may be assuming she has an addiction because you never actually said it but you did mention her being high and the excessive asking for money and lack of stability, the strange people coming to your house while she was there all leads me to believe it is addiction she is dealing with. Please forgive me if I am wrong. I do hope things turn around for both you and your mom. Good luck.

@MrsDulce: I think it would be a really good idea. It’s bad enough that you have to think about this now, you shouldn’t have to spend your wedding day worried that her toxic behavior will ruin it.

To your point about “family problems” – I would say that keeping you safe is local law enforcement’s job. It doesn’t matter from whom you need to be protected (mother, brother, uncle, neighbor, etc.) it’s their duty to help.