John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

The Most Frequent Question we get is: "When will this pain end?" (Published 1/20/2015)

Q:

My dad died five years ago. I was always "daddy's girl," and my life revolved around him. Everyone says time heals...but it hasn't. It feels as if it happened yesterday. I'm hurting just as much today as I did the day he died. When will this pain end?

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Anon,

Thanks for your note and question.

On a scale of one to ten, if we were to rank the most frequent question we get, #1 would be about when the pain will stop.

The reason we get that question so often is because the biggest single myth in the world is that “time heals all wounds.”

But time can’t heal a broken heart any more than time can fix a flat tire.

In order to get your car back on the road after a flat, an action must be taken. Either you change the flat, or you call the Auto Club and have them come and change it.

A broken heart also requires action. What most people finally realize—exactly as you have—is that time doesn’t make it better. Like you said: “I’m hurting just as much today as I did the day I lost him.”

And to compound the problem, even if you realize that time isn’t helping, you don’t know what actions to take to make the pain diminish so you can feel better.

Go to the library or bookstore and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. It will guide you in the actions that will help you discover and complete what is left emotionally unfinished for you, which is what is keeping you stuck in the pain. The pain will reduce, and you will have even more access to the fond memories of your relationship with your dad.

At Tributes.com we believe that Every Life has a Story that deserves to be told and preserved.

Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.