Gen. Hammond: Which means she's smarter than you are, Colonel. Especially in matters related to the Stargate.

Capt. Carter: I'm an Air Force officer just like you are, Colonel. And just because my reproductive organs are on the inside instead of the outside, doesn't mean I can't handle whatever you can handle.

Jack O'Neill: Oh, this has nothing to do with you being a woman. I like women. I've just got a little problem with scientists.

Capt. Carter: Colonel, I logged over 100 hours in enemy airspace during the Gulf War. Is that tough enough for you? Or are we going to have to arm wrestle?

[While examining the DHD on Abydos]

Capt. Carter: Amazing. This is what was missing from the dig at Giza. This is how they controlled it. It took us 15 years and 3 supercomputers to MacGyver a system for the gate on Earth. Look how small it is!

[At Jackson's suggestion to blend in with the local populace, Carter has allowed herself to be dressed in an elaborate and heavily embroidered silk headdress and gown]

Capt. Carter: Daniel, find me an anthropologist that dresses like this and I will eat this headdress.

Abu: You are most beautiful woman I have ever seen.(Leaves tent)

Capt Carter: Uh, I guess the kid doesn't get out much.

Capt Carter: Look uh, I will not wear this thing over my face. I don't care how much embroidery it has on it. And this…dress, or whatever it's called, I mean…I can't move, I can't walk…

Col. O'Neill: I don't know. It…it kind of works for me. I, uh…

Dr Jackson: It's, it's you, it's…

Dr Jackson and Col. O'Neill: You.

Dr Jackson: Definitely you.

Col. O'Neill: All things considered… Samantha… if we have to come back here, it might be a better idea if we brought an all male team. No offense.

Capt Carter: Well, in view of the fact that you all get to go to this party tonight and I get to stay in this… yurt that smells like rancid yak butter, none taken. I'll just get a good night's sleep, and hope for better luck next time.

Col. O'Neill: You going to be all right?

Capt Carter: Still doubting me? I haven't been afraid of the dark since I was two.

Dr. Jackson: How is it that you always manage to come up with the worst case scenario?

Gen. Hammond: [angrily] Colonel, did you authorize Dr. Jackson to reveal classified information to this civilian?

Col. O'Neill: Absolutely not, sir! In fact, I advised him not to say anything to her in spite of the fact that she used to run the entire program and is responsible for most of our current knowledge about the Gate.

[Catherine Langford is about to go through the Stargate for the first time.]

Bra'tac: (Contemplating how to destroy the shield generator) The shield generators are far below. There, in the very bowels of the ship. We must climb down several decks, through the length of the ship. Then. taking our weapons we must...

Col. O'Neill:(Arms two grenades and tosses them down. They watch as the generator explodes.) Grenades.

Col. O'Neill: Back through the Gate to show them what their planet looks like... [gets confused] ...in our memories... before the virtual reality... Leave me alone!

Col. O'Neill: This is real this time, isn't it?

Gamekeeper: [sternly, to the residents] Do not pull that!! You are ruining the garden! [turns to glare at O'Neill and Jackson] I told you they will ruin everything! First, the garden, next, the entire planet!

Gairwyn: I was to give you a message to satisfy your curiosity. They are a race that has visited your world often. They are friend of all, protector of all. Except the Goa'uld with whom they are at war.

Col. O'Neill: That's fine. But I would've still liked to have met the fellow.

Gairwyn: Well like us, he says you are still much too young. As for us, we have much to rebuild. Thor promises to send an Asgard teacher to help us.

Gen. Jacob Carter: I'm sure it is. Otherwise you wouldn't be receiving the Air Medal.

Col' O'Neill: We have our moments. (O'Neill, General Hammond, and Samantha Carter all look at each other and smile) Uh...will you excuse me? We just don't get out of Cheyenne Mountain nearly enough. I'm gonna go grab some air...outside. General, Captain, General...waiter. (as he walks away)

Jacob Carter: But whatever you really analyze in that mountain, deep space or no deep space, it can't be nearly as exciting as the real thing. I'm talking about NASA Sam. I'm talking about you actually going to space someday.

[Watching the video feed from the doomed men and women of SG-10, slowed by the time dilation effects of the black hole's gravity]

General Hammond: There's nothing we can do to save them?

Col. O'Neill: They've had it, sir.

General Hammond: You know that for a fact, Colonel?

Col. O'Neill: No, sir, I don't. But have a look at Major Boyd's face. What does that tell you?

General Hammond: Very well. Disengage the Stargate.

Capt. Carter: Sir, by some fluke of Stargate technology, we are witnessing something that the laws of physics say we can't possibly witness.

Col. O'Neill: (angrily) We are witnessing good men dying in slow motion, Captain.

Capt. Carter: (embarrassed) You're right, sir.

General Hammond: Shut it down.

Colonel Cromwell: Man, she is--

Jack O'Neill: Way smarter than we are. I know.

Capt. Carter: Keep your distance, Lieutenant. Sir, for some reason, the warping of our space-time seems to be in advance of the gravitational field rather than as a result of it. It's probably a lensing effect generated by the Stargate itself, but I can't be sure.

Col. O'Neill: Describe for me... the dress your sister wore last week when I took her out.

Dr. Jackson: [In Ma'chello's body] I don't have a sister, Jack. And if I did, I wouldn't let you near her.

Ma'chello: [in Daniel's body, speaking to people who ignore him] Hello, friend. I am new to this area. I would like to learn about your culture and customs. Will you teach me? Do you not understand me?

Fred: Spare any change, please?

Ma'chello: Why does no one answer me?

Fred: 'Cause you're strange.

Ma'chello: Am I? Tell me how I am strange.

Fred: Man, you can't be just walking up to people you don't know on the street and talking all weird like that, asking for stuff.

Ma'chello: If that is the custom, we will feast [indicates himself] on me.

Ma'chello: [in Dr. Jackson's body] I do not wish to fight any longer. From now on I only want to eat hamburgers and french fries and ice cream sundaes and I want to be with good people like you, Fred.

Jack O'Neill: [In Teal'c's body] Teal'c, what are you doing?

Teal'c: [In Jack's body] If I am to remain in this body, I must shave my head

Jack O'Neill: [In Teal'c's body] You're making a joke, right?

Teal'c: [In Jack's body] I am not joking.

Jack O'Neill: [In Teal'c's body] Teal'c, you will not shave my head!

Teal'c: [In Jack's body] It is presently my head, O'Neill.

Jack O'Neill: [In Teal'c's body] Teal'c, this is only temporary!

Teal'c: [In Jack's body] And if it is not?

Jack O'Neill: [In Teal'c's body] Just give them a chance to find Daniel, okay? Teal'c, I'm going to see General Hammond. Promise me you won't touch the head until I get back.

Daniel (in Ma'chello's body): "Why?"

Ma'chello (in Daniel's body): "Why? Because I earned it, that's why. I earned it because I sacrificed my life for you and your people. The least you could do was compensate me with another."

Daniel (in Ma'chello's body): "What right do you have to judge the value of my life?"

Ma'chello (in Daniel's body): "I have suffered more than anyone should suffer in a lifetime. For 50 years, I fought against the Goa'uld, then I was betrayed by my wife, whom they secretly turned into a host."

Daniel (in Ma'chello's body): "So was mine. She's still with them."

Ma'chello (in Daniel's body): "At least you still have a planet. And friends. Two billion of my people died rather than surrender me to the Goa'uld."

Daniel (in Ma'chello's body): "You have made great sacrifices. For that we owe you...gratitude. But it still does not give you the right to take another's life."

Ma'chello (in Daniel's body): "If you had the technology, you would do the same."

Daniel (in Ma'chello's body): "No, I wouldn't, because then I'd be no better than the Goa'uld."

Ma'chello (in Daniel's body): "I AM NOT A GOA'ULD! I HATE THE GOA'ULD!"

Daniel (in Ma'chello's body): "The Goa'uld use people as hosts because they think they're better than them. Because they think they deserve it. You're a Goa'uld, Ma'chello. I am nothing but a host to you."

Ma'chello (in Daniel's body): "I am not a Goa'uld."

Sam: "Colonel?"

Jack (in Daniel's body): "I'm here."

Sam: "How do you feel, physically?"

Jack (in Daniel's body): "Peachy."

Daniel (in Jack's body): "Whoa. What a dream. What happened?"

Sam: "I dont have time to explain right now, Daniel, just bear with me."

Teal'c: That is correct, Daniel Jackson. Yesterday, when we first arrived on this planet.

Dr. Jackson: [Pause] Right. What was I thinking?

Dr. Jackson: Well, I have to admit this is one of the stranger cultures I've ever seen. As far as I can tell, they're communal, but there's very little sign of actual social communication. I haven't seen any tools or signs of a functional civilization.

Col. O'Neill: So they're a little less evolved than we are.

Dr. Jackson: Well, we don't wanna jump to any conclusions. Remember the Nox.

Col. O'Neill: Maybe it is; what's that got to do with filming a plant?!

Dr. Jackson: Exactly!

Col. O'Neill: What does that mean?!

Dr. Jackson: I don't know!

Dr. Jackson: Y'know I thought the alien on the video looked fairly docile, more curious than harmful.

Col. O'Neill: I thought it looked... bald, white and naked.

Hammond: So this inaudible sound was making you sick, but not in the same way that it was affecting the aliens? They need the sound to live but we altered it by harming the organism that makes the sound?

Col. O'Neill: Not true! In fact there's an official list of reasons for which crying is a good thing.

Charlie: Mother is leaving.

Col. O'Neill: See, that's a good reason. "Mom Leaving" is, I believe, number six on the list of good reasons. Actually, six is "Mom Says She's Leaving in a Couple of Days." Five is "Mom Leaving Immediately." Four, of course, is "Mom Already Left." Three—now, three is huge, one of the biggest ones on the list—

Teal'c: Many things are complicated, General Carter. In Jaffa society, loving one's children is not one of them.

[ATF phone rings, Hemner answers]:

Special agent J. Hemner: Hemner. Yes Mr. President. Yes sir, I am, yes sir... Well yes sir they are here sir, but... With respect sir, the jurisdictional rules in this case are clear, this is a civilian matter. Are you sure you wanna do that sir? Yes Mr. President.

[To his fellow] Get Col. O'Neill in here.

Col. O'Neill: Some I can do for ya?

Special agent J. Hemner: You wanna tell me what's going on?

Col. O'Neill: Didn't you say you know more than I do..?

Special agent J. Hemner: Well apparently not, I just got off the phone with the president.

Col. O'Neill: [Faking a surprise] Of the United States of America? [Small pause] Sweet. How's he doing?

Agent Hamner: In fact, I'm to issue you an emergency special agent credential. He's put you in charge of this operation.

Jack O'Neill: Excellent! My first order of business: Get me one of those cool jackets! Extra large. Double X-L if you got it.

Jack O'Neill: Well it depends on what you mean by... Okay, no! I'm not. But while they were stuck in school, I was out doing other things, like, having fun.

Jack O'Neill: All right! Will you two give it a rest? Both of you. You've been at this for 24 hours. You need rest.

Merrin: I do not need to. Urrone children require little sleep.

Maj. Carter: Okay, now I am jealous.

Jack O'Neill: [Young girl paints a picture of Jack] I look fat.

O'Neill is trying to get to know Merrin after she has gone through the ovarium ceremony, resulting in the loss of her prior personality. He finds her coloring on a wall with crayons he gave her as a gift. He picks up a purple crayon and draws a picture of a face on the wall. Merrin considers it, then scribbles it out.

Col. O'Neill: You’re right. What was I thinking? [scribbles his original drawing out further] You ever seen a dog? Dogs are my favourite people. Some have tails, some don’t...Not a lot of purple dogs...

Tomin: [To Teal'c] I think I understand now why the Goa'uld are so feared.

Col. O'Neill: All right, so it's possible there's an alternate version of myself out there that actually understands what the hell you're talking about?

Col. O'Neill: [to the alternate Carter] Well exactly, you don't know any of us. And we don't know you, for all we know you could be her evil twin. But then we'd be dealing with cliches and you know how I feel about those. Well, actually, you [pointing to Maj. Carter] know how I feel about those.

[The Carters are examining the Energy Device made by O'Neill in "The Fifth Race"]

Aris Boch: Oh, uh Dr. Jackson, I was lying to you before. The price on your head is much more than a day's ration. Actually, the Goa'uld want to see you dead as much as anyone for figuring out the stargate.

Col. O'Neill: [Lifting his pinky to his mouth, remiscient of Dr. Evil] Or something...

Col. O'Neill: Do you read the Bible, Teal'c?

Teal'c: It is a significant part of your Western culture. Have you not read the Bible, O'Neill?

Col O'Neill: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Not all of it. Actually, I'm listening to it on tape. Don't tell me how it ends.

Dr. Jackson: It was a procedure often done in the Middle Ages. They…well, they'd drill a hole in the person's head. By drilling a hole the evil spirits are released, thus saving the person from eternal damnation.

Col. O'Neill: Thus…saving the person?

Dr. Jackson: Well, they didn't call them the Dark Ages because it was dark.

Col. O'Neill: Carter, the next time I feel the urge to help someone, feel free to give me a swift kick.

Col. O'Neill: Major, next time Daniel gets the urge to help someone, shoot him.

Col. O'Neill: So.. how long you gonna keep this up? The demon bit? Don't get me wrong, looks like a great gig. You got the padre in your back pocket, the hours are good, probably get all the chicks...ahh! [Unas grabs his neck]

Col. O'Neill: Oh my apple!

Unas: You are not of this world.

Col. O'Neill: No, no we're not. Unas? What does Sokar have on you that makes you so dang cranky?

Col. O'Neill: Look, we've run into this kind of thing before. Now, it's not a demon. It's demonesque I'll grant you, but it's just a big, ugly creature.

Daniel Jackson: (quietly, to O'Neill) : Who's inhabited by a Goa'uld that gives it great strength, intelligence and the ability to regenerate.

Col. O'Neill: Yes. It's a very smart, resilient creature.

Daniel Jackson: (quietly) : In the service of Sokar, who, for all intents and purposes, is Satan to these people.

Capt. Rogers: Stargate of course. We've been so long without challenges. [to Teal'c] I am sorry Master Jaffa. I have revealed myself. [he gives Teal'c his sidearm] You must execute me for the remainder of the day.

Teal'c: This is Colonel O'Neill. He is much loved by Apophis. [To O'Neill] You may address the warriors.

Col. O'Neill: Apophis wanted me to tell you that you've all been doing a wonderful job. Couldn't ask for more. Well done. But, he also wanted me to tell you the whole…invasion of the Tau'ri idea has been canceled due to…rain.

Gen. Hammond: [To O'Neill] What happened, Colonel?

Capt. Rogers: [To Hammond] My Lord?

Col. O'Neill: Actually, we just call him…General Hammond.

Capt. Rogers: Where is Apophis?

Col. O'Neill: He's not here. Sorry.

Dr. Fraiser: What have we got?

[Rogers realizes that he's been fooled and tries frantically to get off the stretcher]

Capt. Rogers: Liars! Traitors!

Dr. Fraiser: Easy, easy!

Capt. Rogers: You will be punished! He will avenge me!

Dr. Fraiser: [to Jack] Who is this, sir?

Col. O'Neill: His name is Rogers. Despite appearances, he's not SGC.

[Rogers is wheeled away]:

Gen. Hammond: I'd like to debrief ASAP, Colonel.

Col. O'Neill: Yes, my Lord.

[O'Neill is explaining their plans]

Col. O'Neill: All right, once we take the encampment, we become the defenders to buy Carter time. Is everyone clear on that? Daniel?

Col. O'Neill: Well, let's ask the question. Do we want to give up SG-1 and walk around the rest of our lives with...him yapping away inside our heads?

Urgo: [whispering to Carter] Yes. Say 'yes.'

Col. O'Neill: Or do we want to take the chance so we can get on with our lives?

Urgo: [whispering to Carter] No. Say 'no.'

Urgo: Sam, Sammy! You like me. I remind you of your Uncle Irving. Boobala! [he pops his finger in his cheek]

Urgo: You know, you were just thinking of that island Maui? With the big beaches and the little bikinis? Well, that's where we should go ... [Sam looks at Jack knowing. He shakes his head as if he has no idea what Urgo's talking about]

Col. O'Neill: [derisive] I'm sure you'll enjoy Urgo's presence just as much as we have.

Gen. Hammond: Colonel, you don't seem to understand how serious this matter is. You and your team have committed a court-martiable offense.

Col. O'Neill: To be fair, General, I did it. Carter and Daniel protested. And Teal'c…well he really didn't say anything but I could tell he was opposed to my actions by the way he cocked his head and sort of raised his eyebrow… [he demonstrates, raising his eyebrow]

Dr. Jackson: You know, it's funny. I mean, after everything we've been through these past few years... and, of all things, it's my appendix that lays me out.

Col. O'Neill: [to Carter] You know, maybe it's just me, but I always thought when one got some leave time, one actually left. Daniel's recuperating, Teal'C's off visiting his kid somewhere... Personally, I have a date with a lake in Minnesota where the bass grow that big. [Opens his arms wide]

Dr. Jackson: I mean, it's just the most unbelievable, incredible thing I've ever experienced! I mean, I've cross-referenced the symbols on the armband against every written language on Earth in an hour!

Anise: What did you find?

Dr. Jackson: Well, nothing… but, you see, the point is… I can read really fast!

Waitress: What can I get you?

Col. O'Neill: Uh, three of the biggest steaks you've got, with everything, rare, and a baked potato.

Waitress: You got it! [She starts to walk off.]

Col. O'Neill: Excuse me… that was for me!

[The waitress looks skeptical]

Dr. Jackson: Yeah, I'm going to have three as well.

Col. O'Neill: Four?

Dr. Jackson: Four… Four is good.

Maj. Carter: Me too, and french fries with mine… oh and a diet soda!

[O'Neill and Jackson look at her questionigly]

Maj. Carter: [defensively] I like the taste better!

[SG-1 are at a local steakhouse, despite having been ordered to stay on base]

Maj. Carter: So, has it occurred to anyone that we're defying a direct order?

Dr. Jackson: Well, it's not like we haven't defied orders before.

Maj. Carter: Yes, but that was to save Earth.

Col. O'Neill: Earth. Steaks. There's a difference?

Col. O'Neill: Well, this is a cliché.

Gen. Hammond: I thought the devices were supposed to enhance them physically, not make them stupid.

[O'Neill and Teal'c are wrestling with an alien archaeologist near a control system for an ancient device which he has activated. There is a blinding flash, and we suddenly cut to a shot of O'Neill in the mess hall, holding a spoonful of froot loops. He looks astonished. Slight pause, then cut to a shot of Jackson. He is gesticulating with a fork that has a piece of waffle on the end of it]

Dr. Jackson: ...Anyway, that's just how I feel about it. [pause] What do you think? [he looks expectantly at O'Neill]

Col. O'Neill: I'm not talking about briefings in general, Daniel, I'm talking about this briefing; I'm talking about this day.

Teal'c: Col. O'Neill is correct. Events do appear to be repeating themselves.

Dr. Jackson: Since when?

Col. O'Neill: Since we went to P4X-639.

Maj. Carter: We haven't been to P4X-639.

Col. O'Neill: Yes we have. [points at Dr. Jackson] No, we haven't. That's what you were going to say.

Dr. Jackson: Of course that's what I was going to say.

[pause]

Col. O'Neill: Okay, bad example. Look, you'll all believe me when SG-12 comes through that gate in [he looks at his watch, ticking off seconds] four...three...two...

[he silently ticks off the final second, and when he reaches zero, he makes a flourishing gesture toward the gate room. Cut to a shot of Carter, looking confused, then to a shot of the unactivated gate, then back to O'Neill. He frowns and begins to tap his watch doubtfully]

Col. O'Neill: I'm telling you, Teal'c, if we don't find a way out of this soon, I'm going to lose it.

[Teal'c raises an eyebrow.]

Col. O'Neill: Lose it. It means go crazy. Nuts. [from this point on, he becomes increasingly agitated] Insane. Bonzo. No longer in possession of one's faculties. Three fries short of a happy meal... [by now, O'Neill is ranting. He holds up his plate, which now has a crazed mustard-and-ketchup smiley face on it] WACKO!

Col. O'Neill: You know the worst part about this? Every time we loop, Daniel asks me a question…and I wasn't listening the first time.

Teal'c: You are not the only one who must experience some discomfort, O'Neill.

[The loop resets to the beginning. Cut to corridor, we see Teal'c get slammed in the face by a door being opened.]

Man: I'm sorry, sir, I didn't see you there.

Teal'c: You have said that on many occasions.

Man: I -- I -- what?

Teal'c: Perhaps next time I will not be so forgiving.

[In a later loop.]

Man: I'm sorry, sir, I ... whoa!

[Teal'c slams the door on the man and walks away with a smirk.]

Dr. Jackson: So, how many loops have you-have we-been through?

O'Neill: Uhhh...I've lost track.

Dr. Jackson: Wow, that's gotta be frustrating...

O'Neill: [as though Daniel has just stated the very obvious] Uhh...yeah.

Dr. Jackson: Still, it seems like sort of an opportunity.

O'Neill: [In a mildly patronizing tone] ...How's that?

Dr. Jackson: Well, if you know everything's going to go back to the way it was, then you could do anything... [shot of realization dawning on Teal'c] ...for as long as you want... [shot of realization dawning on O'Neill] ...without having to worry about consequences.

[Shots of O'Neill and Teal'c looking at each other, as the full implications of what Daniel has said sink in]

O'Neill: ...Excuse me. [Gets up and leaves]

[Teal'c puts down the chalk he's been using to write on the blackboard, bows slightly at Daniel, and exits]

[A montage of Teal'c and O'Neill goofing off follows:]

[Shot of O'Neill trying to make a pot on a pottery wheel. He fails and looks at the collapsed pot with disappointment.]

[Shot of an officer in one of the corridors of the SGC. We hear a bicycle bell ring. The officer steps back quickly to reveal O'Neill riding a bicycle towards the camera.]

Col. O'Neill: [As he rides past] Hey, Vern. How's the wife?

Officer: [confused] Uh...fine, sir...

[Teal'c and Col. O'Neill are standing on a patch of astroturf in front of the activated Stargate in full golf clothing, holding drivers. Teal'c shoots a golf ball into the gate.]

[Chaka, a juvenile Unas, has captured an exhausted Dr. Jackson and is dragging him through the woods]

Dr. Jackson: Okay, I know it seems completely unlikely that you understand a word I'm saying but, uh, I've gone about as far as I can go at this particular pace, so, with your permission, I'm going to fall down now. [collapses]

Chaka: [glares]

Dr. Jackson: Rest! This is a thing you should, uh, become familiar with. Rest… It means, uh… "rest."

Chaka: [growls]

Dr. Jackson: That's close. Try again: "grrrrest."

Dr. Rothman: It's not my thing.

Col. O'Neill: What isn't?

Dr. Rothman: People. I mean, give me a million-year-old fossil and I'll tell you what it had for breakfast, but I'm not too good at people. They're too recent.

Dr. Jackson: This is nothing you should be worried about. It's just a radio. It's so that my friends can come find me… and shoot you.

[Teal'c has handcuffed O'Neill, along with the rest of the rescue team, believing that one of them may be a Goa'uld.]

Col. O'Neill: Okay, anyone with a snake in their head, raise their hand. [One of the marines that they're with snaps his handcuffs apart (raising his hand) as his eyes glow]

Col. O'Neill: [after a pause] I was just about to...do...something important.

Martin Lloyd: Colonel, let's not play games. If it isn't true then why did you come here?

Col. O'Neill: The truth! There is a top-secret government program called project Stargate.

Martin Lloyd: I knew it!

Col. O'Neill: But it has nothing to do with space travel.

Martin Lloyd: What does it have to do with?

Col. O'Neill: [conspiratorially] Magnets!

Martin Lloyd: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Col. O'Neill: [dramatically] No…I've already said too much!

Martin Lloyd: So, you still don't believe me? I'm an Alien!

Col. O'Neill: You look pretty human to me.

Martin Lloyd: I can't explain it Colonel, I just have a gut feeling, like we have something in common.

Col. O'Neill: Well, that's very flattering, but I'm not an alien.

Dr. Jackson: Something tells me we don't need to worry about this guy.

Maj. Carter: Except for the fact he happens to be very close to the truth.

Dr. Jackson: Oh, Hello! Sam, you're gonna wanna…take a look this!

Maj. Carter: Whoa, that's quite a collection! Tranquilizers, antidepressants, antipsychotics. Looks like our friend here has been treated for a number of different psychiatric problems.

Dr. Jackson: Yeah, why doesn't that surprise me?

Col. O'Neill: How do ya lose a spaceship?

Martin Lloyd: Well, my memory isn't so good. Sometimes, I get a little confused. I think it might be the medication.

Col. O'Neill: Yeah, well, there ya go.

Martin Lloyd: You don't understand!

Col. O'Neill: I get that a lot.

[Daniel reading Martin's diary]

"April 12: Someone has gone through my garbage. Suspect CIA. Must take precautions. May 2: Comb missing. Suspect CIA has stolen it to acquire genetic identification. Uh…June 26: Comb found behind dresser. Disposed of it in case of tampering, bought new comb 39 cents at shopmart."

Martin Lloyd: Don't ya wanna know how I found you?

Col. O'Neill: Uh… OK!

Martin Lloyd: In your car, I noticed a map of the Sleep-Rite Motel Chain. I checked every one in town.

Col. O'Neill: There's two!

Martin Lloyd: I'm surprised a man in your position wouldn't take more precautions to maintain your cover.

Col. O'Neill: Marty I'm not undercover!

Martin Lloyd: You think I'm making this all up. Look at this.

[Martin shows O'Neill a broken toothpick, O'Neill takes it and looks at it]

Col. O'Neill: Yes… It all makes sense now.

Martin Lloyd: You think I'm so stupid, I go out my own front door?

Martin Lloyd: Can I come out now, Murray?

Dr. Jackson: But… it doesn't look like anyone's place of work, there's… no one here.

Maj. Carter: Except for the guys with guns!

Man: OK. Let's keep this simple! Who are you?

Maj. Carter: Who are you?

Man: We're the guys with the guns, which means you answer our questions!

[Carter and Jackson are being interrogated by 3 aliens who are attempting to live on Earth incognito. They show Carter and Jackson a thermal scan of Teal'c which clearly shows his symbiote]

Jack O'Neill: Woohoo! [Vidrine and Hammond look at him, stunned] Sorry Sir. I couldn't help but get caught up in Teal'c's enthusiasm.

General Vidrine: In all seriousness, if that's all right with you, Colonel? How effective can a single fighter be against a potential fleet of Goa'uld warships?

Teal'c: That is what these tests endeavour to determine.

General Vidrine: Let's find out. What's next?

Jack O'Neill: I take second seat for an air-to-air live fire test.

General Hammond: Our SGC control room will serve as Mission Control, Sir.

General Vidrine: Light that candle, boys.

Jack O'Neill: Yes, Sir.

[Teal'c and O'Neill head back to the glider.]

Teal'c: Does General Vidrine wish to perform some sort of candle-burning ritual?

Jack O'Neill: Yes, that's it, exactly.

[Jack O'Neill and Teal'c are in the X-301. The glider has been taken over by an auto-pilot mechanism.]

Major Davis: [Over the radio]: Jack or Teal'c, please respond.

Jack O'Neill: Flight, Digger One. We read you. We have lost control of the craft to some sort of hidden recall device that apparently the scum-sucking, slimy, snake-ass Apophis installed in his death gliders. Over.

Col. O'Neill: Just so we're clear on this, sir, it's gonna be me, Teal'c and the great outdoors. That means no cellphones, fax machines, not another living soul for miles. We'll be unavailable, inaccessible.

Selmak: One enemy is easier to target than many. Our spies believe that Apophis has agreed to the meeting because he is willing to use such an alliance to topple the system lords. Afterwards, he will deal with Heru-Ur. If he succeeds...

Col. O'Neill: Galactic badness! Huge!

Col. O'Neill: Ah! Wait a minute! Just... stop, hold it. If you're about to say you're gonna explain along the way , I'm gonna lose it! I've just about had it with the way the Tok'ra do business. I wanna know EXACTLY what we're dealing with here. Every mission detail you've got right now, or we go nowhere!

Jacob Carter: [Smiling] I was gonna tell ya, Jack.

Col. O'Neill: [Quietly] Ok. Never mind.

Jacob Carter: Obviously, I'm gonna need Dr. Jackson, and there might be some complicated mathematical calculations to be done, Sam would be a big help, too. [Jack clears his throat] Of course, Colonel O'Neill is --- always fun to have around.

Col. O'Neill: You're not happy with the way things turned out, I'm sorry to hear that... Personally, I like things the way they are. No more saving the world, just a nice pond with no pesky fish in it. And the single most pressing issue in my life is whether or not to get a dog...(beat) There're a lot of pros and cons to consider...

Shifu: A spark lights a flame, but the candle will only burn as long as the wick.

Col. O'Neill: If I may, sir. I think what he means is the wick is the centre of the candle, and ostensibly a great leader, like yourself, is essential to the... whole ball of wax. Basically, what it means is that it's always better to have a big, long wick. Right?

Dr. Jackson: Really? Good. Cause I really didn't have any idea what I was talking about.

Dr. Jackson: Something on your mind?

Col. O'Neill: Your behavior, as a matter of fact.

Dr. Jackson: What about it?

Col. O'Neill: Well, for starters, who gave you the authority to give orders around here?

Dr. Jackson: Actually, the Pentagon.

Shifu: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Dr. Jackson: Oma teach you that?

Shifu: Television.

Dr. Jackson: Glad I've been such a positive influence.

Shifu: Oma teaches the true nature of man is decided in the battle between the conscious mind and the desires of the subconscious, Oma teaches the evil of my subconscious is too strong to resist. The only way to win is to deny it battle.

[Jack is coming to visit Samantha in the jail]

Maj. Carter: I have talked to everyone I know. No one's answering my calls, responding to my e-mails, even my letters.

Daniel: From what I've been able to translate so far with Loren's help, the Goa'uld used to use this place as some sort of, opium den. The only difference is their symbiotes must have kept the host's mind chemically balanced once they left.

Col. O'Neill: For the record Sir, I want to blow it to hell, these folks wanna chat with it.

Col. O'Neill: Any idea what that was?

Maj. Carter: None, Sir. The secondary systems are up and running but that was one hell of an EM spike. I'd like to run a full systems diagnostic on the main computer.

Dr. Fraiser: Yeah, after I treat this hand.

Maj. Carter: As soon as I get the systems up…

Dr. Fraiser: It is a very bad burn, Sam.

Maj. Carter: Five minutes.

Dr. Fraiser: Now!

Col. O'Neill: Do as the Doctor says.

Maj. Carter: Yes, Sir.

Dr. Fraiser: Thank you Colonel. You, Daniel and Teal'c are next.

Col. O'Neill and Dr. Jackson: What? We're…I'm fine.

Dr. Fraiser: Yeah well I would like to be the judge of that. Some form of energy came through the Stargate. I think it's only prudent to make sure there are no physiological effects to those exposed. ASAP.

Col. O'Neill: Who put her in charge?

Gen. Hammond: The US Air Force.

Teal'c: In medical matters, Dr. Fraiser may overrule those of any rank.

Col O'Neill: All right, that's sounding a little brainwashy. You don't believe that guy's a god any more than I do.

[Teal'c is silent]

Col. O'Neill: What's that supposed to mean?

Maj. Carter: [in reference to a door she is trying to unlock] Sir, I really hate to sound negative, but I think it’s pretty safe to say that without a little more insight into how these things actually work, I’ve got pretty much zero chance of hitting... [door slides open] Okay, maybe not zero.

Col. O'Neill: Come on, Teal'c. A part of you has to know the truth.

Teal'c: The truth is you are a prisoner of Apophis. When the symbiote I carry matures, you will become its host.

Col O'Neill: Okay, I meant the other truth.

Ren Au: The Tok'ra are officially considering Selmac a fallen war hero.

Gen. Hammond: You'll forgive me for holding out hope a little longer. SG-1 has a surprisingly good habit of beating the odds.

Dr. Jackson: [concerned] Wait, what are you going to say? [he hurries off after O'Neill]

Maj. Carter: Daniel and Teal'c?

Col. O'Neill: They're in the village. Still trying to convince the folks we're friendly elves.

[Col. O'Neill is addressing the Asgard High Council]

Col. O'Neill: We made a mistake, a big mistake. And we're very sorry. But we also saved your little grey butts from the replicators, and now we want your help. I'm not asking you to change the course of their cultural development. Just fix the damn sun! No one will know. We won't tell.

Dr. Jackson: [aside to Carter] Little gray butts...

Maj. Carter: Yeah...

One of the Asgard High Council: Unfortunately, we cannot.

Col. O'Neill: OK. At the risk of sounding like the petulant inferior race... Why not?!

Colonel Danning: "As a matter of fact, it does say Colonel on my uniform."

[Ironic because it doesn't say Colonel on his uniform. The line may also be a response to O'Neill's rhetorical question from The First Commandment, where he asks "Does it say 'Colonel' anywhere on my uniform?" after Carter and Connor both refuse his orders.]

Martin Lloyd: This is for scene 23? You think they have apples on an alien planet?

Prop Master: Why not? They speak English.

Martin Lloyd: Look, get some kiwis, and spray-paint them red.

Prop Master: [pulls out script] Ok, so now it'll go "Nick walks into a garden of kiwi trees, says 'How like Eden this planet is,' and bites into a painted kiwi."

(possibly a reference to Beneath the Surface, an episode in which a character is seen eating red kiwis)

Dr. Levant: Dammit, just because they're aliens and their skulls are transparent, doesn't mean they don't have rights!

[Regarding an explosion]

Director: No, no, no, no, no, no. Bigger, much bigger.

[Regarding an explosion]

Director: No. Look at my lips. Big-ger.

[Regarding an explosion]

Director: Bigger! What is it about the word "bigger" that you don't understand?

Martin Lloyd: I've got a concept meeting in ten minutes, and if I'm not there on time, well... well, they start without me.

Director: "Aaaa-aaaa-aaaaand action!"

Yolanda Reese: Uh, I'm having trouble with scene 27. It says I'm out of phase, so I can pass my hand through solid matter, or walk through walls.

Director: Yeah, yeah, cos you're out of phase.

Martin Lloyd: Um, exactly.

Yolanda Reese: So, how come I don't fall through the floor?

[Long pause, with Director and Martin staring at each other]

Martin Lloyd: We'll have to get back to you on that.

[This is a reference to sci-fi "out of phase" episodes in general, and Season Three's "Crystal Skull" specifically, when an out-of-phase Jackson could walk through people and walls, yet was seen at one point sitting on a cabinet.]

Writer: We could always go back to the way it was in the script.

Director: No, we can't. We've already established that one shot stuns and two shots kills, and Victor shot everybody twice.

Martin Lloyd: So three shots disintegrates them!

Director: I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that, because that is quite possibly the stupidest thing I've ever heard you say. [walks away][this is an obvious reference to the way Zat guns originally worked]

Martin Lloyd: [to writer] Why are you looking at me like I'm an idiot? Why are you even on set? Go write something!

Carter: I don't know what happened, sir, we lost him. I mean, one minute he was here, the next minute he was gone.

O'Neill: Yeah, they have a habit of doing that.

Greenburg: [admiring a real space ship] Cool special effect.

Wright: I've seen better.

Greenburg: Ah, we'll fix it in post.

Wright: Yeah. So, you think we can get eighteen in?

Greenburg: Yeah, if we cut back on the Mulligans…You think that's funny?

Wright: Yeah, that's good enough for a walk away.

Greenburg: When's a good time to fade out?

Wright: Eh, right about…now.

[scene fades out]

[At the end of the show is a "behind the scenes look" at the creation of Wormhole X-Treme!]

Bocher: I'm Christian Bocher. I'm portraying the character of Raymond Gunne, who portrays the character of Dr. Levant, which is based on the character Daniel Jackson, portrayed by the actor Michael Shanks, originally portrayed by the actor James Spader…in the feature film...Uh, are you okay?

Douglas Anders:Science fiction is an existential metaphor that allows us to tell stories about the human condition. Isaac Asimov once said, “Individual science fiction stories may seem as trivial as ever to the blinded critics and philosophers of today, but the core of science fiction, its essence, has become crucial to our salvation, if we are to be saved at all.

Maj. Carter: Uh, sir, if you don't mind, your wound is getting all over my lab.

[As part of a training scenario for new recruits, Jackson is occupying Hammond's office.]

Dr. Jackson: [sitting in Hammond's chair] Oh, I have to tell you, I like this scenario way better than the last one. Have you tried this chair? This is like…really comfortable. [pounds the chair's arm to prove it]

Dr. Jackson: Yeah, you did tell them to take me prisoner this time and not shoot me, right? Right? [no answer] Hello?

Col. O'Neill: [Gets up off the ground] So! We're all dead! And there's an armed Goa'uld on the loose... I got a problem with that. Anyone else got a problem with that?

Col. O'Neill: You hesitated Lieutenant.

Elliot: I was assessing the situation, sir.

Col. O'Neill: Okay, we all ended up dead. Assess that.

Elliot: I stopped to argue with Grogan and lost control of the situation.

Col. O'Neill: And that wasn't even your first mistake. (Jack points at Satterfield) What's your excuse?

Satterfield: I didn't believe Dr Jackson was a Goa'uld.

Maj. Carter: Why not, Satterfield?

Satterfield: I don't know, ma'am. That was just my instinct.

Haley: She thinks he's cute.

Col. O'Neill: Okay, so one of your team members distracted you into getting shot by the enemy and you want to poke holes in the training scenario?

Elliot: It wasn't a fair test.

Col. O'Neill: There's such a thing as over-thinking a situation, Lieutenant. When you're dealing with what we deal with, you've got to think on your feet and think fast. These and other cliches will be available to you all for one more day of training with me. After that, you'll either be assigned to an SG team or not. Dismissed.

Maj Carter: Grogan. He'll make a fine addition to an SG team one day.

Col. O'Neill: He'll make a fine target. He's good at getting shot.

Maj Carter: (laughs) Okay, Satterfield's bright.

Col. O'Neill: I give her high marks for her... high marks. I'd never go into combat with her.

Maj Carter: Then there's Haley...

Col. O'Neill: Oh yeah. Four foot nine fightin' machine.

Maj Carter: (laughs) Colonel...

Col. O'Neill: All right. Fine. They're the future of the Air Force, the program, the entire planet. God help us.

Col. O'Neill: You're not gonna take the fall for this. I don't care what's at stake.

Dr. Jackson: Why do you care?

Col. O'Neill: Because, despite the fact that you've been a terrific pain in the ass for the last five years, I may have... might have... uh, grown to admire you a little.... I think.

Dr. Jackson: [dryly] Now that's touching.

Col. O'Neill: [insistent] This will not be your last act on official record.

Maj. Carter: You have an effect on people, Daniel. The way you look at things, it changed me too. I see what really matters. I don't know why we wait to tell people how we really feel. I guess I hoped that you always knew.

Teal'c: If you are to die, Daniel Jackson, I wish you to know that I believe that the fight against the Goa'uld will have lost one of its greatest warriors. And I will have lost one of my greatest friends.

Jonas: No offense, I'm just more interested in what's out there, through the Stargate.

Dr. Jackson: Well, all I can say is, whatever problems there are between your planet's nations, they will seem insignificant when you do find out what's going on out there.

Oma: Because it is so clear it takes a long time to realize it. If you immediately know the candlelight is fire, the meal was cooked a long time ago.

Dr. Jackson: Yeah, yeah, a monk at Kheb said that to me. I didn't know what it meant then and I still don't know now.

Oma: The universe is vast, and we are so small. In the end, there is only one thing we can truly control.

Teal'c: I will perform the proper rituals when the opportunity presents itself. Until that time, this mission must take priority.

Maj. Carter: [exasperated] Please, Teal'c. Don't give me that "way of the warrior" crap. I get enough of that from Col. O'Neill.

Teal'c: Daniel Jackson has ascended to a higher plane of existence. Many Jaffa have dedicated their lives to achieving such a goal.

Maj. Carter: [bitterly] So I'm supposed to celebrate?

Teal'c: It is a great accomplishment.

Maj. Carter: We were a team, Teal'c. No one can even begin to understand what we went through together, what we mean to each other. So maybe Daniel has achieved something of great cosmic significance, I don't know. And to be honest with you, right now, I don't really care. I'd rather have him back.

Teal'c: [with obvious emotion] As would I.

Heimdall: In fact, for nearly a thousand years, we have been physically incapable of achieving cell division through meiosis.

Anubis: This device will be implanted into your brain. It will form a link between your mind and the ship's computer. Your knowledge will simply be downloaded. You will no doubt resist, and you will no doubt fail.

Anubis: I think you will find many things have changed since my return.

Col. O'Neill: I can't believe they took my watch.

Teal'c: ...our chances of escape are negligible.

Col. O'Neill: Oh, I don't know. All we've gotta do is bust out of here, take out every Jaffa between here and the pel'tak, commandeer the ship and fly on home. [makes little flying motion with his hand] Fly on home...

Teal'c: [raises eyebrow] I stand corrected.

Col. O'Neill: Okay, next time, I'm the hologram.

Osiris: [torturing Sam with a hand device] Once more: Where is Dr. Jackson?

Maj. Carter: He's dead.

Osiris: You're lying.

Maj. Carter: Go to hell.

[Teal'c and Col O'Neill are looking at a panel of control crystals]

Teal'c: Perhaps we should take them all.

Col. O'Neill: Here's a thought.

[O'Neill shoots the crystals with a staff weapon]

Freyr: This is Freyr of The Asgard. The vessels you face are far superior to the ones you attacked.

Dr. McKay: But, why wait? Why does this guy show up a day and a half after this all starts to do his whole "prepare to meet your doom" thing?

Maj. Carter: I don't know, maybe he wanted to make sure it was gonna work.

Dr. McKay: Yeah, that would be embarrassing, wouldn't it? [pretending to be Anubis] "Nothing can stop the destruction that I bring upon you!" And then the Gate shuts down. [again pretending to be Anubis] "Oops, sorry, never mind."

Maj. Carter: Yeah, well, that didn't happen, and we only have fifty-four hours left.

Maj. Carter: So, what? We call Anubis up and ask him to stop?

Dr. McKay: Yeah, "Hey, Anubis, this is your agent, you're playing it way over the top, can you get serious, please?"

Maj. Carter: For the record, I hate you.

Dr. McKay: Well, it can't get any worse, then, can it?

Maj. Carter: Oh, no I'm rapidly working up to despise.

Maj. Carter: (sarcastically) If I'm going to take credit for this, shouldn't the EM pulse generator be pointed at the Gate?

[McKay goes to visit Carter in the infirmary, as she recovers from electrical burns]

Dr. McKay: Hi.

Maj. Carter: Oh, man, and I was just starting to feel better.

Dr. McKay: [takes a deep breath, appearing to be relaxing] I always wanted to be a pianist.

Maj. Carter: [Thinking McKay said "penis"] Excuse me?

Dr. McKay: A concert pianist --- you know, a guy who plays the piano [he mimes playing the piano] in front of lots of people?

Maj. Carter: [Sam smiles] Right.

Dr. McKay: What did you think I said?

Maj. Carter: Never mind.

Dr. McKay: I had a not-so-comfortable childhood. My parents hated each other. Blamed me. Music was my salvation. It had this ... perfect order for me.

Maj. Carter: [smiles, patronizing] That's nice, really.

Dr. McKay: When I was 12, my teacher told me to quit. A fine clinical player, he said, but no sense of the art whatsoever.

Maj. Carter: Why are you telling me this?

Dr. McKay: I'm just ... trying to bond.

Maj. Carter: Why?

Dr. McKay: Hospital gowns turn me on. [He smiles] I turned to science because I thought it would be different than music, but it isn't. It's just the same, it's just as much of an art as anything else.

Maj. Carter: We have another tradition. It's called "hardened arteries".

Jonas: Don't tell me you haven't noticed how strange the people have been acting around here.

Maj. Carter: What are you talking about?

Jonas: Well for instance, that man there right behind Teal'c, he doesn't realize it, but he just put eight cubes of sugar into his coffee, and that lady over at the counter, she's been reading the same article for half an hour. Since we sat down, that waitress has dropped her tray twice and the cook has done three wrong orders including my hamburger, which I ordered medium rare, but is in fact well done. It's like the whole town is half asleep.

[O'Neill removes his shoe and tosses it at Jackson. The shoe passes right through him]

Dr. Jackson: Here in the sense that my consciousness is here, if not here in the full physical flesh and blood sense, which is really...neither...here nor there. The point is, you're not imagining this.

Col. O'Neill: I just tossed my shoe through you!

Dr. Jackson: I'm energy now…

Col. O'Neill: How's that workin' out for ya?

Dr. Jackson: Good, actually. Very…

Col. O'Neill: Good.

Dr. Jackson: Very good.

Col. O'Neill: So show me your stuff. Bust me out of here.

Dr. Jackson: I can't…

Col. O'Neill: Why not?

Dr. Jackson: I'm not allowed to interfere.

Col. O'Neill: You're interfering right now.

Dr. Jackson: No, I'm not.

Col. O'Neill: Yes, you are.

Dr. Jackson: No, I'm not. I am consoling a friend.

Col. O'Neill: So… you wanna be my Oma?

Dr. Jackson: You could put it that way. I mean, I wouldn't, but maybe that's just me.

Dr. Jackson: Jack, who are you talking to?

Col. O'Neill: The woman.

Dr. Jackson: [looks up] There's nobody there.

Col. O'Neill: Look who's talking.

Dr. Jackson: Come on, Jack. Y-You think the Asgard named a-a ship after you because they thought it was a cool name? Now's not the time to play dumb, you're a lot smarter than that. They saw our potential in you…because of who you are and what you've done. Humanity's potential. That's the same thing Oma saw in me.

Col. O'Neill: I am not you.

Dr. Jackson: Yeah, when has that ever stopped you from doing anything?

Col. O'Neill: Okay… put yourself in my shoes and me in yours.

Dr. Jackson: You'd be here for me.

Col. O'Neill: Damn straight! I'd have busted you out, blown this rat hole to hell and made sure that son-of-a-bitch suffered!

Dr. Jackson: The Others would have stopped you.

Col. O'Neill: They'd have a hell of a fight on their hands.

Dr. Jackson: You wouldn't do that.

Col. O'Neill: Ba'al would be dead.

Dr. Jackson: Jack—

Col. O'Neill: And don't think I'd stop there!

Dr. Jackson: [forcefully] You're a better man than that!

Col. O'Neill: [yelling] That's where you're wrong!

Dr. Jackson: What I'm offering you is your only way out.

Col. O'Neill: You're wrong about that too. I have another choice

Dr. Jackson: What are you talking about?

[O'Neill gives Jackson a significant look]

Dr. Jackson: No.

Col. O'Neill: Any minute, they're gonna come. Ba'al is gonna kill me again. You can make it the last time.

Dr. Jackson: Don't ask me to do that.

Col. O'Neill: You can put an end to it.

Dr. Jackson: I won't do it.

Col. O'Neill: I'd do it for you, and you know it. I don't want to see this cell again, Daniel.

Dr. Jackson: Look, I know you don't think so…right now, I mean, I know you have your doubts, but uh…because you've been through something that no one should have to go through... I guess what I'm trying to say is…you're going to be all right.

Col. O'Neill: How do you know?

Dr. Jackson: You're just going to have to trust me.

Dr. Jackson: I always seem to be saying goodbye to you.

Col. O'Neill: Yeah, I noticed that. Why don't you stick around for a while?

Maj. Carter: Sir. Several of the Tok'ra have expressed concern about the temporary quarters they've been assigned.

Col. O'Neill: Explain to them the meaning of the word "temporary". If they don't like it, they can leave.

Maj. Carter: You really want me to tell them that?

Col. O'Neill: Yes. No. [sighs] I'll do it.

[Carter is explaining the status of a naquadah generator in the morning]

Maj. Carter: It seemed like a power fluctuation in the cycle output of the naquadah reactor. But at closer inspection, I discovered the absorption port and its redundancy had been tampered with.

Col. O'Neill: Carter! I haven't had coffee.

Maj. Carter: Well, whoever it is, we're dealing with an enemy we can't see. Without TERs to counter that technology, we're helpless.

Malek: Do you have the means to generate a high-frequency electromagnetic field?

Maj. Carter: I could modify the wave output of the naquadah reactor.

Malek: Within a range of 400 to 700 nanometers?

Maj. Carter: That might just excite the phase particles enough to bring them into our visible light spectrum.

Col. O'Neill: Carter?

Maj. Carter: Sir, the invisibility field must operate—

Col. O'Neill: Are you about to tell me that you can make the invisible guy vi—

Maj. Carter: Yes, sir.

Col. O'Neill: That's all I need.

Jacob Carter: If you can see it, you can shoot it.

[Carter turns on a recalibrated naquadah generator]

Col. O'Neill: Ooh! Anybody else feel that?

Maj. Carter: The tingling sensation is caused by the energy field. It's not causing any physical damage, so there's nothing to worry about, sir.

Col. O'Neill: No, I like it. It's good!

Bra'tac: This weapon (holding up the Ashrak's large bladed knife) has shed the blood of Tokra, of Jaffa, and of the Tauri. By the hands of our common enemy, it has made us brothers! Together, we have ensured it will never spill our blood again!

Teal'c: A Goa'uld offspring is born with the intellect and knowledge of the queen who bore it. Normally, the fully developed personality would emerge, allowing the symbiote to control the host immediately upon blending.

Col. O'Neill: No, they did that. Once they knew the stakes and the whole "fate of the universe" stuff, both the president and Hammond realized we have no choice. He sends good luck, godspeed, and all those things he says when he thinks we're gonna die.

Thor: Senator Kinsey. O'Neill suggested I send you to a distant planet for your actions here, but I am reasonably certain his statement was in jest.

Sen. Kinsey: [raises his finger] I'm sure it was, Commander—

Thor: [raises his finger]Supreme Commander.

Thor: It is the opinion of the Asgard high council that Stargate Command should be left in the very capable hands of General Hammond and his team...and while our continued friendship with Earth is not contingent on that—it. is. preferred.

Daniel Jackson: Jack, it’s really me. It’s me, you have to help, you have to find the Eye of Ra before Anubis does. Keep it, hide it, destroy it, whatever, it doesn’t matter, we don’t have much time.

Col. O'Neill: Hey Daniel, how you doing? Long time. How are things on the higher planes?

Daniel Jackson: [sighs, decides to play along] Hey Jack, long time no see. How you doing?

Col. O'Neill: Fine, just fine.

Daniel Jackson: How are the knees, the back? Everything’s..

Col. O'Neill: Oh you know, weather contingent...

Daniel Jackson: So what’s new?

Col. O'Neill: Ah actually a funny thing happened to me, today, I’m riding an elevator and an old friend of mine, someone who never calls, never writes just shows up and tells me all about this very important and apparently urgent mission that needs my attention.

Daniel Jackson: You gonna help or…

Col. O'Neill: Wait! Let me tell it, it’s good! You see this buddy of mine, this pal, this chum has ascended to a whole new level of existence. Do you see the irony? He’s asking for my help and he’s this great and powerful being.

Daniel Jackson: The Others have rules; just talking to you is a violation.

[Col. O'Neill and Major Carter are testing out a new fighter, the X-302.

Col. O'Neill: I want to see what this thing's made of.

Maj. Carter: I could tell you exactly, sir.

Col. O'Neill: Another time, maybe. Please.

[Jonas and Jackson are searching the computer on a Goa'uld mothership, trying to find the location of the exhaust shaft O'Neill and Carter must hit to destroy the mothership and Jaffa are about to catch them]

O'Neill Clone: You want proof? Carter, you once carried a Tokra named Jolinar who gave her life to save you. Daniel, until recently you were an ascended being. Ya broke the rules, ya got yourself kicked out of the Oma Desala fan club and had your memory erased... (Teal'c enters the room)... and you and Bra'tac both just lost your snakes in a Goa'uld ambush. Had your tretonin yet this morning?

Gen. Hammond: Are you saying Colonel O'Neill has, somehow, regressed more than 30 years overnight?

Col. O'Neill: Hey! I'll tell you what's wrong. I just woke up, haven't had coffee, let alone a pee in seven days, and I find out you stole my ass and made a -- mini-me! Carter, I should be irked currently, yes?

Maj. Carter: Yes, I—I would be.

Loki: I am a scientist. A former geneticist with the Asgard Ruling Council.

Maj. Carter: Former?

Loki: I was stripped of my stature when I was caught performing unsanctioned experiments on humans.

Col. O'Neill: What, you've got sanctioned ones?

Dr. Jackson: Why risk coming back here after nineteen years?

Loki: I thought he was the one.

Col. O'Neill and Clone: Me?

Loki: I believed his genetic code contained the key.

Col. O'Neill and Clone: Mine?

Col. O'Neill: [To the clone] Will you stop that?

Loki: He was physiologically advanced enough to carry and utilize all the data from the Ancient repository of knowledge. That would not be possible for any human one generation ago. He is a significant step forward on your evolutionary path.

Dr. Jackson: You just found this out recently?

Loki: I learned about it when all the Asgard did. O'Neill is legendary. [Col. O'Neill adopts a smug look]

O'Neill Clone: Look, I know you don't think I am who I am, but, as far as I'm concerned, I am.. who.. I am.

Dr. Jackson: Uh, what do we do if Thor doesn't show up? [Thor beams aboard the ship] Never mind.

Col. O'Neill: Well, it's about time!

Thor: I apologize for not coming sooner. [angrilly] Loki, what have you done?

O'Neill clone: Yeah, it seems he's been playing Dr. Moreau behind your back

Maj. Carter: So they fly halfway across the galaxy, in a highly advanced spaceship, but they don't use their technology to take over the planet. You know what their weakness turned out to be? Water. I mean, if that's true, why go to all the trouble to invade a planet that's two-thirds water? Not to mention the rain.

Dr. Jackson: Why do you watch those movies if all you're going to do is cut 'em up?

Maj. Carter: Come on! Don't you occasionally like to see if they're getting it anywhere close to the truth?

Col. O'Neill: Fraiser says that Teal'c needs a pep talk. I've been practicing in front of a mirror for an hour now.

Dr. Jackson: Not peppy enough?

Col. O'Neill: No, not really.

Dr. Jackson: We need a distraction

Maj. Carter: Grenades?

Col. O'Neill: Think Bigger

Maj. Carter: Claymores?

Col. O'Neill: [looking up at the dry dock with an unfinished mothership] Much bigger!

Dr. Jackson: They were female warriors who occasionally captured men from other tribes in order to mate with them. Would often, um, would sometimes remove their right breasts so they could more easily fire a bow and arrow.

Col. O'Neill: I see neither bow nor arrow.

Dr. Jackson: No.

Col. O'Neill: Wait, you don't s'pose that's why they want us, do you? You know, the three of us.

Col O'Neill: [To Ramius] Greetings! Well, uh, I know how this looks. So, I think it's important we clear up any misunderstanding right away. We did not come to kill you. Honest. Am I right!? The fact is, and this is the fun part, we actually came to save your ass...es. All your asses. Do you see the irony? All right, there's this guy out there, big guy, big guy in a black suit. None too fond of you Goa'ulds. Well, anyway, he's the one we're after, not you. So if you want to let us go, we'll be on our way, to save the world another da—you're not buying this, are you?

[Emmett Bregman is attempting to interview all the top officers of the SGC, including SG-1]

Bregman: Col. O'Neill. Hi. I'm—

Col. O'Neill: [walking right past him] I like vanilla over chocolate, my favorite color is peridot, I think Tibet should be free, and if I could have dinner with anyone in the world, it'd be Mary Steenburgen.

Bregman: No-no, I'm just trying… Mary Steenburgen?

Col. O'Neill: I think she's nice.

[Jackson has just led Bregman's camera crew on a chase through the SGC to his office, just to pick up a fax, which he reads aloud.]

Col. Dixon: Yeah, all-night screaming, projectile vomiting, nuclear diapers... you have no idea. The reason they make them so damn cute is so you don't suffocate them in their sleep.

Airman Wells: Sir, you have four kids.

Col. Dixon: Yeah, why do you think I enjoy my work so much? Don't get me wrong, I love those little buggers to death, but trust me, having four kids makes going through a Stargate facing off against alien bad guys look like nothing. This is relaxing.

Airman Wells: Then why did you have four?

Col. Dixon: Well, one's pretty bad, but you figure you got to have two so the little guy can have a brother or sister, right? Then you have two boys, and the wife says she want a girl so you figure "Hell, three can't be much harder than two", right? What you don't realize is that your brain's fried because you haven't slept. After three, four is no big deal. You're so deep in it that nothing seems to matter any more. It's chaos. You're just trying to make it through each day alive. In the end you spend all the energy you have trying to get them into bed only to lie awake praying they don't get hooked on drugs, hurt, or worse... wind up dead in an alley somewhere.

Airman Wells: Can't wait, sir.

Col. Dixon: Yeah, miracle of birth, my ass. I'll tell you what a miracle is, birth control that works.

[SG-13 finds a ruined city]

Dr. Balinsky: Oh, Dr. Jackson's gonna die when he sees this!

Col. Dixon: What, again?

Col. O'Neill:I though as much sir. And I just wanted to express my deep and unyielding... love for you sir.

Bregman: You know, I'm going to get you on camera sooner or later, even if all I get is a series of shots of you avoiding being got.

Maj. Carter: Janet Fraiser was an extraordinary person. She was kind and funny and talented. Above all, she was courageous. Try as I might I could not find the words to honor her, to do justice to her life. Thankfully I got some help. While words alone may not be enough, there are some names that might do. We often talk about those that give their lives in the service of their country, and while Janet Fraiser did just that, that's not what her life was about. The following are the names of the men and women who did not die in service, but who are in fact alive today because of Janet.

Col. O'Neill: Why? We all know exactly what's gonna happen. In a few days I start speaking some strange language. A few days after that I start doing things beyond my control, and a few days after that, it's goodnight my someone, goodnight. So with your permission sir I'd like to take the weekend to get some personal things together.

Maj. Carter: The last time, it did take a couple of days before we noticed any change in the Colonel's behavior.

Col. O'Neill: I'll be back on Monday ready to work.

Gen. Hammond: Permission granted.

Col. O'Neill: Thank you sir. Now if you'll excuse me, my favorite television show starts in half an hour. [He walks away]

Col. O'Neill: What? Stuck your head in that thing? Are you nuts? Carter. You're one of this country's natural resources. If not National treasures. It couldn't have gone down any other way. I just hope it's worth it...

Maj. Carter: Even if we do find the Lost City. Even if we get there and find exactly what we're looking for to defend the planet....

Col. O'Neill: [Interrupts her] THAT ... would be worth it. [Jack and Sam stare at each other until a knock at the door interrupts their moment]

Daniel Jackson: [Opens the front door and pops his head in] Hello!?

Col. O'Neill: [Sam smiles in disappointment. Jack sideways glances at her before calling out to Daniel and Teal'c] In here!

Daniel Jackson: [He and Teal’c slowly walk in the door. They peer around the corner ans see Sam and Jack sitting close] Oh sorry, are we interrupting anything?

Col. O'Neill and Maj. Carter: [Dismissively] No...

Col. O'Neill: What are you doing here?

Daniel Jackson: Oh we ... well it's ... it's a funny story actually. We, we, ah, were driving by and we, uh ... saw Sam's car in the driveway, and ... and ... uh ...

Col. O'Neill: [Nudging Sam's arm, sarcastically] Funny.

Daniel Jackson: ... Teal'c said to me. Well he didn't actually say anything. He just kinda looked at me and did that eyebrow raise thing that he kinda does and I said to him, I said 'hey, why don't we stop by and'...

Dr. Jackson: Oh, Please! Teal'c's like one of the deepest people I know. He's so deep. [to Teal'c] Come-come on, tell 'em how deep you are. [to O'Neill, excitedly] You'll be lucky if you understand this.

Teal'c: My depth is immaterial to this conversation.

Dr. Jackson: Oooo! Y'see!

Col. O'Neill: No more beer for you.

Maj. Carter: I'm sorry, sir, but I have to agree. I don't see the connection.

Col. O'Neill: All right, that does it. You know, the entire VHS collection was going to one of you. It's going to Siler. He gets it.

Col. O'Neill: I hope you like Guinness, sir. I find it a refreshing substitute for… food.

Dr. Jackson: I remember when we were first trying to get the Stargate to work, I would come here and just stare at it for hours.

Dr. Weir: Is that a gentle reminder that you've been an important part of this since the very beginning?

Dr. Jackson: Subtle, huh?

[It is also a lie, as Daniel never saw the stargate before he figured out how it worked]

Dr. Weir: I've been awake all weekend. The reality of this is…it's an adrenaline rush.

Dr. Jackson: Hey, at least I know you have a beating heart!

[Anubis has announced his plan to invade Earth in three days.]

Col. O'Neill: Three days from now's a Thursday. Thursday's no good for us.

[Master Bra'tac comes through the Stargate, walks down the ramp and gives Dr. Weir an odd look.]

Dr. Jackson: This is Dr. Elizabeth Weir. She's the new leader of this facility.

Col. O'Neill: Daniel... I don't speak Ancient... yet, and when I do.. eventually, you know I'll never understand it.

Dr. Jackson: You have to try.

Col. O'Neill: Last time, things just popped into my fron.

Dr. Jackson: Fron is head.

Col. O'Neill: See. I have no idea what you are talking about.

[O'Neill has torn Jackson's Tau'ri patch off his shoulder and is staring at it.]

Dr. Jackson: Jack, what are you doing?

Col. O'Neill: At.

Maj. Carter: What?

Col. O'Neill: At.

Dr. Jackson: This.

Col. O'Neill: That.

Dr. Jackson: That is at?

Col. O'Neill: You can stop... that.

[SG-1 is taking a great deal of equipment through the Stargate]

Dr. Weir: Well, have you got everything you need? I think there's still a sink left in the kitchen.

Col. O'Neill: Is that a joke?

Dr. Weir: Perhaps. A bad one

Col. O'Neill: Yes. Very bad. But I sense hope for you.

[SG1 and Bra'tac are in the scout ship]

Col. O'Neill: [Making adjustments to the crystals] Give me your zat. [Sam hands over a zat and Jack shoots the crystals. The engine sound increases. Jack closes the zat and hands it back to Sam.] There you go.

Maj. Carter: Sir. I think you should know that General Hammond authorised me to take command of the team if I determined that you ...

Col. O'Neill: [Interrupts her] Do it now.

Maj. Carter: Sir, I don’t think that’s necessary ...

Col. O'Neill: I trust you. I’ll make it easy for you. I resign. You’re in charge.

Maj. Carter: [Hesitates] Ok... Sir, at your house before Daniel and Teal’c showed up, what I was gonna say was ...

Col. O'Neill: I know. [They stare at each other]

Col. O'Neill: Then you know more than I do.

Maj. Carter: No, sir, I don’t. Now... sit down and take a look. [Pauses awkwardly] That’s an order.

Col. O'Neill: [Jack walks past Sam on his way to take the controls of the scout ship] Easy.

[A hologram of Anubis appears in the Oval Office. Everyone in the office begins to act frightened except for President Hayes.]

[Cut to the outside with the hovering shuttle burning through the ice with a white hot beam. In the distance a large swarm of gliders and several Alkesh bear down upon the shuttle.]

Bra'tac: They will be in firing range in thirty seconds. More ships approach from the opposite direction.

Maj. Carter: [turning to the back of the shuttle's cargo bay where O'Neill is] Sir! We are about to get our ...!

Bra'tac: They are NOT Goa'uld.

[Outside the swarm of Goa'uld ships fly in a tight formation when suddenly two missles hit one of the Alkesh blowing it from the sky. More missles hit, blowing apart gliders and Alkesh as several squadrons of F-302 fighters intercept the Goa'uld ships bringing them down short of the shuttle. Behind the fighters the massive Prometheus slides over the shuttle shielding it from further attacks.]

General Hammond: [On the bridge of the Prometheus] Protect that scout ship at all costs!

Maj. Carter: Sir? [She goes over to Jack and straightens his head to feel his pulse] Sir... His pulse is erratic. [To Jack] Don’t you dare leave us now. We won. [Jack part-opens his eyes and moves his head weakly. Sam takes hold of his chin.] Colonel.

Maj. Carter: [Pleads desperately] Please... Jack.

[SG-1 has just placed a dying O'Neill in stasis]

Maj. Carter: We can't just leave him like this! Th-there has to be a way to reverse the process. The answer has to be here.

Dr. Jackson: I don't think this is it, Sam.

Maj. Carter: What do you mean?

Dr. Jackson: The dome is too small. It's like Taonas. It's obviously not a city, it's just an outpost of some kind.

Maj. Carter: That cargo ship was modified using the knowledge of the Ancients. Now, there is no guarantee that anyone will ever be able to figure out how it was done.

Dr. Weir: And as the most likely person on the planet to figure it out, are you saying that if I don’t let you attempt to contact the Asgard, you won’t even try?

Maj. Carter: (smiling sarcastically): I would never say that.

Dr. Jackson: I was just going over some research material on the delegates they're sending. Camulus was the one who sent the original message. Then there's Amaterasu, Japanese Sun Goddess, and the last one is Lord Yu.

Thor: You should feel better momentarily, and your memory will slowly return.

[Pause]

Col. O'Neill: Teal'c. What's with the hair?

Col. O'Neill: Sweet. What is it?

Dr. Jackson: We don't know, you made it.

Col. O'Neill: No.

Dr. Jackson: Yes.

Col. O'Neill: No.

Dr. Jackson: Yes.

Col. O'Neill: No.

Dr. Jackson: Yes.

Thor: You accessed the Ancient knowledge in your mind and instructed the ship's computer to design it.

Col. O'Neill: Doesn't mean I know what it is.

Dr. Jackson: You have to try, Jack.

[O'Neill looks uncertain, then approaches the weapon. He looks at it from several angles, then pokes at it uncertainly.]

Col. O'Neill: [After a moment, as though comprehension has struck him] Ah!

[O'Neill turns to the others]

Col. O'Neill: Yeah, I got nothin'.

[O'Neill is mowing down Replicators with his new weapon]

Col. O'Neill: Who's your daddy!

Dr Weir: The Pentagon has convinced the President that there is one man who could run the SGC and make it politically viable from an international perspective, despite the fact that he is part of the American military establishment.

Col. O'Neill: Do we know this ... shrub?

Dr. Weir: Well, you know him rather well ... Brigadier General Jack O’Neill.

Col. O'Neill: [Stunned] Me?!

Dr. Weir: Yeah, you.

Col. O'Neill: Brigadier ... it’s on my list.

Dr. Weir: Congratulations.

Col. O'Neill: I should be clear... I like the promotion, paycheck and the parking spot. But I don’t really wanna be in charge of anything. No.

Col. O'Neill: I've spent my whole life stickin' it to the Man. If I do this, I'll be the Man. I don't think I can be the Man.

Maj. Carter: If you don’t take the job, we could end up with someone much worse. [Jack looks at her] Ok... that didn’t come out right...

Dr. Lee: Gamma radiation seems to work. We're preparing a method of delivering a strong enough level to the entire base all at once. Now, non-essential personnels are gonna have to be evacuated, everyone else's gonna have to wear protective suits. You have to get General O'Neill to sign off on this right away.

Gilmore: You know he hasn't slept in over two days.

Dr. Lee: Yeah, that's why I'm asking you to do it.

Gilmore: Right.

Gen. O'Neill: When you couldn't figure out what the Ancient device was for, you tampered with the power source so nobody else could.

Dr. Lee: Well, I mean, we can input the parameters for different scenarios, but the vast majority of the simulation array comes from the mind of the user. The programming is actually built by interfacing memories from the individual’s consciousness with the chair’s matrix.

Teal'c: Collision procedure dictates that you exchange insurance information and if necessary notify the police.

Thug: What?!

[The thug attacks Teal'c, who then proceeds to single-handedly defeat all three assailants]

Teal'c: I believe it will now be necessary to notify the police.

Dr. Jackson: [admiring Teal'c's apartment] Wow! I like what you're doing with the place. Sort of…Jaffa chic with an East African flair.

Dr. Jackson: How's the fern? [Teal'c gestures to a very sad, withered fern on a shelf] I don't suppose you've tried talking to it, have you?

Teal'c: [Looking concerned] I have not.

Lt. Col. Carter: [ranting to Daniel and Teal'c] They make you afraid of being alone but at the same time tell you not to settle for anything less than the perfect romantic ideal, like that actually exists anywhere in the real world. Either way, you can't win.

Dr. Jackson: [to Sam, innocently] How's things?

Lt. Col. Carter: Good. We were talking about Teal'c's friend, right?

Dr. Jackson: I thought we were.

Teal'c: On Chulak, a dispute between a man and a woman that cannot be resolved necessitates a pledge break. It must be requested by one and granted by the other.

Gen. O'Neill: Yeah! How many times have you thought he was gone, and then he shows up, in one form or another? I'm sorry, but we're not having a memorial service for someone who is not dead. [to the room] You hear that? I'm not buyin' it!

[They look around the empty room. Carter is exasperated]

Gen. O'Neill: What? He's just waitin' for us to say a bunch of nice things about him. Next thing you know, he'll come waltzin' through that door, [gestures at the closed door] like, right now.

[O'Neill and Carter both look at the door, O'Neill hopefully and Carter skeptically.]

Gen. O'Neill: Waltzing… now.

[Nothing happens.]

Lt. Col. Carter: Dad, this is Pete.

Pete: [shocked] Dad?

Jacob: Not quite yet. You have to actually marry my daughter before you can call me that.

Pete: You really got one of those things in your head?

Jacob: If by one of those things, you mean a 2000 year old Tok'ra symbiote, yes.

Pete: Seriously. Come on. That has got to freak you right out sometimes. It's weird.

Dr. Jackson: Okay. I'll have the truth with a side-order of clarity, please.

Oma Desala: The replicator version of Sam was in your head, trying to access the knowledge buried in your subconscious, but you gained control of her instead. She killed you to stop you. That's where I stepped in. How's that?

Dr. Jackson: Pretty clear.

Oma Desala: Well, we aim to please! Customer comes first, you know!

Lt. Col. Carter: It's been two hours since Pete left. You haven't said a word.

Jacob: I did so.

Lt. Col. Carter: "He seems nice?"

Jacob: I believe that's three words.

Gen. O'Neill: So, we're all in agreement. One way or another, it's gotta go. Correct?

Bra'tac: If you are suggesting we destroy this device against the wishes of the High Council, I must point out that would not be a good first step in relations between the Tau'ri and the newly formed Free Jaffa Nation.

[Teal'c has disguised himself as one of Ra's Jaffa in order to steal the ZPM from Ra's treasure room]

Gen. O'Neill: Do you really think they're just going to let him waltz in and take it?

Dr. Jackson: Like I said, they don't even know what a ZPM is. To them it's like any number of dozens of ritualistic objects they pull out for any number of occasions. Besides, he's wearing the shiny suit.

[In an alternate time line, Carter is practicing what she wants to say to her male boss.]

[In an alternate time line, Daniel Jackson teaches English as a second language.]

Alt. Dr. Jackson: Okay, uh, let's start with a simple greeting. Often the best way to begin interacting with someone is to find a topic of common interest. Everyone can relate to the weather, so let's start with that, shall we? Introduce yourself... and talk about the weather.

[A student raises his hand.]

Alt. Dr. Jackson: [pointing at the student] Yes.

Carlos: [standing up] Hello, my name is Carlos. You make me so hot.

[pause]

Alt. Dr. Jackson: [smiling uncomfortably] Okay, uh, not quite right, but the introduction part was good.

Alt. Gen. Hammond: Okay, people. Let me remind you. This mission is recon only. Do not engage the enemy. I'm allowing the use of this ship because of the obvious tactical advantage it provides you. Under no circumstances is it to be used to travel through time. (beat) Never in my life did I imagine ever giving that order.

Alt. Dr. Jackson: Wait a minute. I thought the reason we brought the ship was so we didn't have to walk.

Alt. Dr. Carter: We can't just fly into an alien city. The mission is stealth recon. Meaning undetected.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: I was hoping you could tell me something about yourself... something personal.

Dave: People call me "Dave."

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: It says here that's your name.

Dave: Yes.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [to Daniel] Look, the tablet is written in Ancient code, right? I know it's not the lost city of Atlantis we're looking for here, but whatever it is could be worth finding. Or you're just going to have to marry that chick.

Vala: There could be some sort of icky creature down here left behind to protect the treasure.

Dr. Jackson: For hundreds of years?

Vala: Some sort of stasis or hibernation. What if it senses our presence and awakens hungry for human flesh?

Dr. Jackson: That doesn't quite sound like the Ancients' style.

Vala: Still...

Dr. Jackson: I'm sure if there is a monster down here, it's going to be much more scared of you than you are of it. Especially once it gets to know you.

[a hologram of Merlin appears]

Merlin: Welcome, ye knights of the round table, men of honor, followers of the path of righteousness. Only those with wealth of knowledge and truth of spirit shall be given access to the underworld, the storehouse of riches of Ambrosius Aurelianus. Prove ye worthy, and all shall be revealed.

Dr. Jackson: That's incredible. Certain scholars have speculated that Ambrosius and Arthur were one and the same, but that would have made him 74 years old at the Battle of Mount Badon. It's actually quite fascinating. See, Ambrosius was the son of the Emperor Constantine—

Vala: [dismissive] Yes, yes, yes. "Fascinating" is the one thing it's not. How do we "prove ye worthy" and get "all to be revealed"?

Dr. Jackson: I have no idea, but something tells me truth of spirit may be a bit of a problem for you.

Vala: [defensively] You know nothing about me!

Dr. Jackson: Because everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Don't make me separate you two.

Dr. Jackson: If you immediately know the candlelight is fire…

Vala: Huh?

Dr. Jackson: Nothing.

Vala: Hmmm…

Dr. Jackson: This pot says 'The universe is infinite.'

Vala: That seems infinitely useless; what does this one say?

Dr. Jackson: 'The treasure is in this pot.'

Vala: Really? I was hoping for something a little more substantial, but okay.

Dr. Jackson: [to Landry] I mean, isn't that why we're doing this, all of this? The Stargate program, the budget? Isn't it so we can go out and meet new races? Gather advanced technology? Possibly learn about ourselves in the process?

Dr. Jackson: Yeah, and I figured that was going to be me. I mean, I did miss the Daedalus for this, so...

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: You're going to dine out on that for a while?

Dr. Jackson: Yeah, yeah, like you wouldn't believe.

[regarding the book]

Dr. Jackson: It says here the Alterans named their new home Avalon and built many Astria Porta.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Stargates?

Dr. Jackson: Yes.

Vala: I thought the Ancients built the Stargates.

Dr. Jackson: Well, it stands to reason that they didn't always call themselves the Ancients.

[The villagers are about to burn Vala to death]

Dr. Jackson: What the hell did you say?!

Vala: I think at first it's what I didn't say. You see, apparently there's a blessing you're supposed to recite over the leaves before you drink, which nobody warned me about. Then I think it's what I did say. I was trying to politely explain what was going on and then his wife started screaming and accusing me of being overcome. At which point I believe I suggested she might want to think about procreation... with herself.

[Vala has just been revived after being burned to death, and is crying in Daniel's arms]

Vala: If the Ori are so powerful, why do they need people to spy for them?

Prior: The Ori need nothing from us.

Dr. Jackson: [quoting] "It is we who must seek the truth of the universe in order to achieve enlightenment."

[Vala gives Daniel a funny look]

Dr. Jackson: [shrugs] Been down this road before.

Dr. Jackson: I'm sorry to interrupt, but um…if you brought us here to try and convert us, it is fair to tell you that we are really not in the market for new gods.

[The Ori have possessed the Doci to communicate with Daniel]

Ori-possessed Doci: We are Ori.

Dr. Jackson: [visibly horrified] And you instruct these people to worship you?

Ori-possessed Doci: We are their creators. All who follow the path will join us in enlightenment.

Dr. Jackson: Do you know who the Alterans are?

Ori-possessed Doci: Those who abandoned the path are evil!

Dr. Jackson: Evil? Why?

Ori-possessed Doci: They shielded you.

Dr. Jackson: Really. I didn't really think they did much of anything for us, but I guess I was wrong.

Prior: Origin will guide you on this path, and those who revere its wisdom shall be uplifted. I have come to spread the word to the unbelievers who have been... sheltered, and raised by evil.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [whispering to General Landry] You have no idea how much he sounds like my grandma.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: "And a man has no greater thing under the sun than to eat, drink and be merry." Ecclesiastes, my favorite. [Pause to show the Prior sizing up Mitchell.] My grandma was a bit of a Bible-thumper. Weekends at grandma's meant long, long Sundays at St. Hilda's Church of the Grand Epiphany. Lt. Colonel Cameron Mitchell. How ya doin?

Prior: And the people shall deliver the wicked, unto your divine judgment, where their sins shall be weighed in balance, with all that is just, and true.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: If you help us out here, I'll guarantee we'll be more receptive to those stories you want to tell. Call it a miracle if you want.

Prior: When Hannor Mir fell from the sky and learned to fly on the way down... that was a real miracle.

Doci: Great holy armies shall be gathered and trained to fight all who embrace evil. In the name of the gods, ships shall be built to carry our warriors out amongst the stars, and we will spread Origin to all the unbelievers. The power of the Ori will be felt far and wide, and the wicked shall be vanquished.

Arlos: I remember it as if it were yesterday. Some nights, we would steal away from the city, strip off our clothing, and bathe in the springs of Aragaten. We would chase one another across the mossy hills and then lie naked under Adora's moons and Vala would sometimes—

Dr. Jackson: Okay. We have a very limited window of opportunity here. If you expose yourself as a false god, if you tell these people how you fooled them and why, we might be able to make them skeptical about the Prior.

Vala: Or, it could push them towards believing in the Ori as true gods even more.

Dr. Jackson: No, the only chance these people have, the only chance any of us have against the Priors is to show them that we will not accept the Ori as gods. No matter what happens, we must reject them. True enlightenment must begin with the truth.

Dr. Jackson: Maybe hoarding knowledge is wrong….or maybe it's not. Maybe, learning something for yourself is part of the journey to enlightenment. But killing someone for not worshiping you, regardless of your power, IS wrong. Very wrong. Knowledge is power, but how you use that power defines whether you are good, or evil.

Prior: From the smallest seed of doubt springs forth a mighty poisonous tree of evil.

Lt. Colonel Carter: Now, considering their unique ability to maintain an active Stargate indefinitely and their force field capabilities, the President has authorized any and all means to complete the mission.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Oh, boy. And here I was trying to have a nuke free career.

[Mitchell, Carter, Daniel, and Teal'c set off on their first mission together, with Vala]

Prior: Their movements are not so easily divined. Their ways are unseen and veiled in mystery.

Dr. Jackson: Right, right, they have a "plan". (Mitchell makes the "air quotes" sign.) Don't suppose you want to tell us what that plan is? For example, why did they send you to this galaxy in the first place?

Prior: We are beacons on the road to enlightenment.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: No, you are dark-side intergalactic encyclopedia salesmen, but unfortunately, the home office hasn't been quite upfront with you.

Dr. Jackson: Nice work on the metaphor.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Thank You.

Dr. Jackson: For starters: Did you know, the Ori need people to worship them to gain their power?

[Prior looks surprised for a moment, but then collects himself]

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: He didn't know...

Dr. Jackson: No, he didn't know that. [to Prior] No, it's true.

[Lt. Colonel Mitchell has just completed a lengthy dissertation on how to make an avocado omelette as General Landry arrives]

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: You know, I read all the mission reports on the Asgard. They're not what I expected.

Lt. Colonel Carter: What were you expecting?

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Well, pants, for one.

Alternate Mitchell: So if this plan goes FUBAR, we're the only ones to go down with the ship?

Dr. Jackson: Well, there's plenty more where we came from, right?

Kvasir: [nobly] The perilous nature of this mission should not be taken lightly. There is a chance the Prometheus may not survive this voyage. But courage and a steadfast resolve will prove the most valuable assets in this undertaking. [pauses, goes on casually] Well, good luck to you all. [beams out]

Dr. Jackson: I miss Thor.

[Landry walking with the SG-1 team issues an order to Mitchell]

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: What if there are more teams coming in hot?

General Landry: I'm willing to make the occasional exception, but I am not about to turn this base into the Grand Central Station of the Multiverse.

General Landry: Don't underestimate the importance of this mission. This is the IOA. These people carry a lot of influence with the Stargate Program. How it's run, how it's funded. You should feel honored! Just, uh, don't keep them up past ten. And remember to read them a bedtime story before tucking them in for the night.

Vala: I did my best to blend in. At first according to Tomin and therefore as far as the villagers were concerned I was the woman who fell from the sky which made me feel kind of special. I later learned that they always suspected I’d escaped from another village as a result of some scandal and then I started to feel much more like I’m used to.

Vala: The village was run by this complete bear of a man named Seevis, who was both barkeep and administrator which seemed the oddest contradiction. He claimed to be the most pious man in the village. If anyone strayed from the path of righteousness, it was Seevis who made sure you were severely punished for it. But seems to be a lot more leeway for sin in the religion of Origin than one would presume from all the preaching.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: So it’s just like my grandma used to say. No point going to confession if you ain’t got nothing to confess.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Well, actually, I was thinking about King Arthur.

Vala: So, this girl in the bar. Her name was Denya, and we struck up a bit of a friendship. By the looks on your faces, I can see you're not surprised I had more in common with the village harlot than I did with any of the ladies from the local knitting circle.

Dr. Jackson: This is interesting. It's a reference to Merlin's prophetic abilities. There's a similar myth on Earth. That Merlin could see the future because he actually aged backwards in time. It's not meant to be taken literally, but we have seen a lot of legends and folklore have a strong basis in fact -- Avalon, Atlantis.

Dr. Jackson: You are making a mistake. There is no curse. The black knight is a security feature created by Merlin through the use of science and advanced technology. There is no magic— [the Odyssey beams up SG-1]

[later]

Dr. Jackson: Once and for all: There was no curse. This is a device. There is no magic— [the Korolev beams him up]

Woolsey: The IOA is considering bringing the Atlantis ZPM to Earth, for use in the Antarctic Earth defense system.

General Landry: Even if we had a ship, it would take a minimum of three weeks for the ZPM to get here. And there's no guarantee the Ancient weapons platform in Antarctica would be any more effective against the Ori ships than what we've already thrown at them. As usual, the IOA is wasting their breath. You know, if I had the salaries they pay those idiot blowhard politicians to put into my budget... I'm sorry, did I say that out loud?

Vala: Oh, I had a baby! You know, I never thought I'd agree with my father, but now I'm starting to remember about how he used to go about how you nurture them and then you raise them and you teach them that best that you can and then all they do is break your heart. I always assumed that his experience was tainted by me.

Dr. Jackson: What are you talking about?

Vala: Well, she started off all sweet and innocent but now she's hellbent on domination of the galaxy.

Dr. Jackson: How old is she?

Vala: A few hours.[Dr. Jackson gives her a confused look.] The Ori used me to sneak one of their own across the border. This child is their way of cheating the ascended rulebook. They couldn't exactly cross over into our galaxy without getting into a confrontation with the Ancients, right? So they created a human representative with their knowledge to lead their armies.

Dr. Jackson: Sort of an uber-Prior, like the Doci?

Vala: Oh, but she's MUCH worse than that. The Priors are just pawns, but she knows the score. She's complicit with the Ori; you should have heard the propaganda that she just tried to feed me.

Vala: Oh. She's been genetically altered. She'll be a fully-grown figurehead in a day or so. If she takes after her mother, she'll have a pretty good figure too.

Dr. Jackson: This is bad.

Vala: You're telling me! Origin is about to become a lot more appealing to the males of this galaxy.

Dr. Jackson: Do you have any idea where we're going?

Vala: No, that she wouldn't tell me. She knows I'm not on her side; she's just hoping I'll see the light. But part of her can't help but feel tied to me. She wanted me to give her a name.

Dr. Jackson: And?

Vala: Adria. Told her it was my mother's.

Dr. Jackson: Not.

Vala: Stepmother. Witch of a woman.

Dr. Jackson: You know the more I get to know you, the more I'm starting to understand.

Vala: Huh?

Dr. Jackson: Nothing.

Vala Mal Doran: What do you know of the Jaffa?

Adria: They are proud people. Confused about the ways to salvation. They have been misled by parasites posing as gods for several generations. But in their hearts, I believe that they know ascension is the true path to salvation.

Vala Mal Doran: Then why are you slaughtering them?

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: So, we're outmatched in manpower, firepower, and technology. Do we have any sort of battle strategy, or are we just planning on dropping out of hyperspace and getting our asses kicked again?

Vala:["Studying" for her Psych evaluation] You are in the desert, you see a tortoise lying on its back in the hot sand. You recognize its plight but do nothing to help. Why? [pauses] Hmm. Why? Oh. [starts writing] Because you are also a tortoise.

Dr. Hutchison: So, how are you feeling?

Vala: [eagerly] Very well! Very well…well, you know, all things considered. Heh. I mean, you'd assume I'd be a prime candidate for acculturation difficulty, enduring feelings of…displacement and alienation. Perhaps even a little paranoid ideation. Hmm? But the truth is, I was able to adopt an abstract attitude which allowed me to…release some of my repressed feelings, ultimately providing me with a cathartic actualization. How are you feeling?

Dr. Hutchison: I'm fine.

Teal'c: Perhaps we should rest.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: [starts to sit down, then stands up again] No...that's a bad idea. And I'm starting regret staying up late to watch Deuce Biglaow: European Gigolo last night. Check that, I regretted it almost immediately.

[General Landry has just informed Vala that she has been accepted at the SGC]

Vala: I-I'm a little… overwhelmed. Heh. But, as my first… official act, I'd like to report a rather disagreeable little man.

Richard Woolsey: [entering, smugly] That would be me.

General Landry: Mr. Woolsey's offer was part of the test. We wanted to make sure we could trust you.

Vala: [recovering from surprise] I knew that. But were his sexual advances part of the test?

Dr. McKay: But um, first, I just wanted to thank you for being there for me recently in a time of great personal need. Well, actually, you weren't there— I was alone in the dark, but um, you know, it sure seemed like you were.

Lt. Colonel Carter: [suspiciously] Are you telling me one of your fantasies?

Dr. McKay: No it was a hallucination, I had a concussion, I was trapped in the back of a sinking Jumper and my mind conjured you up as a means of survival, it's what you would do in my situation. You saved my life

Lt. Colonel Carter: OK well, that's… sort of nice.

Dr. McKay: Mmm. Yes it was.

Lt. Colonel Carter: Was I naked?

Dr. McKay: [slightly embarassed] Partially.

Lt. Colonel Carter: [regarding McKay] You know, Cam, he's not wrong. As much as it pains me to say it, the data from our first attempt supports his argument.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Well, like my grandma used to say, "if at first you don't succeed…"

Lt. Colonel Carter: [wryly] "…try a larger thermonuclear reaction?"

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Her words exactly.

Dr. Jackson: [to Morgan Le Fay] I believe you. I do. I mean, I understand the fine line you have to walk. I realize the risk you're taking just showing yourself. But I'm sorry, I want more. You can pass that on to your friends as well. [to the room] Yeah, I know you're listening, [to Le Fay, in full passionate-speech mode] Because I am getting sick of hidden clues and cryptic messages. And Merlin was right that the Ori are a threat. But not only to us "lowers," not only to the billions of humans throughout this galaxy, but to your own existence. Because when this war is over, and every soul that's left alive is praying to the Ori, feeding their need to be worshipped, you know who they're gonna come for next. I won't pretend to know what that war will look like, or in what battlefield it will take place, but then, I won't be alive to see it.

Morgan le Fay: If we interfere, we are no better than the Ori.

Dr. Jackson: I understand that is at the very core of what you are, of what you believe, but I'm talking about survival here. If you really are trying to help, then help yourself.

Vala: [regarding the Ascended] I think I understand why you came back, Daniel. I wouldn't have liked their company either.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: No, I'm just calling it like I see it. And right now, you don't strike me as someone who could intimidate a ten year old out of his lunch money, much less run an interstellar empire.

Ba'al clone: [in Goa'uld voice] Why don't you have the guard excuse himself for a moment, and I'll show you just what I am "capable" of?

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: See, now I know you're not the real Ba'al. The real Ba'al wouldn't have cared about the guard.

Barrett (to Landry): General! I understand you have a few extra Ba'als. (punning on Ba'al/ball)

Vala: The Sodan were using these devices for hundreds of years. You'd think there'd at least be a label on the side in bold print that says, "Beware: May cause deadly extra-dimensional radioactive monster-causing creature to appear", or just "danger" would be nice.

[Cut to a briefing room. Jackson is scrawling unintelligibly complex information onto a whiteboard for an audience of a dozen or so scientist types]

Dr. Jackson: ...and so, by translating this tablet, we should be able to determine the most important thing in the universe.

[There is a pause. We hear O'Neill begin to snore. Jackson looks exasperated.]

Dr. Jackson: Everyone wanna, poke around? See if you can find him?

[Cut to interior of a Goa'uld ship. The ring device activates, then deactivates with no-one apparantly having beamed aboard. The Jaffa on-board look puzzled. Suddenly, each of them gets his ass kicked in turn by an invisible opponent. The rings activate again, and the rest of the team beam up. They look around, confused.]

Col. O'Neill: Hello? Hand signals? I'm waving you over!

[Cut to a corridor. Teal'c is walking along next to a coffee mug apparantly floating in mid-air (obviously being held by O'Neill)]

Col. O'Neill: The bottom line is, I can do more for this planet invisible than I ever could as my own sweet salient self.

[Pause, Teal'c looks steadily in the direction of where we presume O'Neill to be standing]

Teal'c: I assume I am staring at you stoically.

Col. O'Neill: Not buying it, eh?

Teal'c: No. You are most transparent, O'Neill.

Col. O'Neill: Ohh! I get it. Good one.

Teal'c: I can see right through you.

Col. O'Neill: Donnnnnn't push it...

[The Stargate fails mid-dial; SG-1 look up to see Martin Lloyd shrug and excitedly wave them back up to the conference room.]

Lt. Col. Mitchell: [whispering to Carter] Fix it.

Dr. Jackson: Quickly.

Lt. Col. Carter: I'm on it. [leaves]

Teal'c: Indeed.

[SG-1 disputes the plausibility that they could make it to a 'gate through an army of Jaffa with Replicators behind them in ten seconds.]

Dr. Jackson: Are you serious?

Martin Lloyd: What?

Dr. Jackson: How did we escape?

Vala: They.

Dr. Jackson: Fine, they, they, they. How did they escape?

Martin Lloyd: Isn't it obvious?

Lt. Col. Mitchell: Even if the valley wasn't filled with Jaffa, we couldn't never have made it to the Gate and dialed out in under...10 seconds.

Martin Lloyd: Good. See, that's why we're here! So, what do you think, 30 seconds? Ma-maybe not such a round number. How about...38!

[In reference to the fact that the Stargate can only stay open for 38 minutes.]

Lt. Col. Carter: We're running another diagnostic, but right now we're stumped. Power's getting through to the capacitors, but for some reason the charge isn't holding. That's causing the control crystal to send feedback into the interface and reset the programming code of the base computer's dialing protocol.

Martin Lloyd: Whoa! That was awesome! Say that again!

Lt. Col. Carter: ...No.

Martin Lloyd: Oh. Uh, everybody take five. I, I gotta get that down before I forget it. [to self] The power getting to the flux capacitor, but feedback is not feeding back into the feedback...face. This is gold!

Grell (Teal'c's counterpart on Wormhole X-Treme): Science fiction is an existential metaphor, that allows us to tell stories about the human condition. Isaac Asimov once said: "Individual science fiction stories may seem as trivial as ever to the blinder critics and philosophers of today — but the core of science fiction, its essence has become crucial to our salvation, if we are to be saved at all."

Vala: Well, I couldn’t be sure, so I just beamed out the only other lifesign in the room instead.

Dr. Jackson: Okay. Where is he?

[Vala looks out the window, where Anateo is drifting in space]

Dr. Jackson: [following Vala’s gaze] Well, Sam did say it was risky.

Dr. Jackson: Yeah, we swept the ship twice. Rounded up fourteen men in total, but not Solek. Vala had to beam him out of the hold where the crew was being held, so we have no way of knowing for sure where he ended up.

Vala: Did you check the sewage reservoir?

Dr. Jackson: Yeah, no lifesigns. Ew.

Dr. Jackson: Uh, you should probably prepare to fire.

Maj. Marks: For the record, I'm always prepared to fire. I just have to press this button here.

Ba'al: His little trick with my vocal chords expired at the same time he did.

Teal'c: Yet another reason to mourn his passing.

Vala: [regarding Daniel] Hey, you have to tell him that he doesn’t have to do this. He’ll listen to you.

Lt. Col. Mitchell: What team have you been on?

Lt. Col. Mitchell: [to Vala, after Daniel downloaded Merlin's consiousness into his mind] The hard part of this team is not risking your own life, it's watching your friends take chances with theirs. Congratulations, now you're really one of us.

Lt. Col. Carter: I spent my entire life dedicated to science. That's the last ten years, trying to convince people they believed in false gods. I don't feel like science is gonna help me. Right now, I'm just hoping somewhere one of those gods...

Lt. Col. Mitchell: My grandma used to say, "God is like a prairie windstorm. If you look too hard, you get dust in your eyes, but there's still plenty of ways to know it's there."

Lt. Col. Carter: Is that what you believe?

Lt. Col. Mitchell: Actually, I generally just nodded until she gave me a macaroon.

[Mitchell is shocked while connecting two wires to a control crystal]

Lt. Col. Carter: That's a good sign.

Lt. Col. Mitchell: That's easy for you to say, you with that little flesh wound.

Tomin: I have not begun to question the will of the Ori, but I have begun to question the interpretation of their words. No matter what you say, I will not believe the Book of Origin asks us to massacre innocent people! And I will not stand by while the Holy Doctrine of Good Will and Faith that I have sworn to uphold is twisted into a hammer and used to beat people down!

Prior-Daniel: Have I ever let you down? No, don't answer that, have I ever let you down when it really mattered?

Gen. O'Neill: You know, there's a bottom line here: Carter doesn't think it can be done.

Prior-Daniel: Yes, it can. A Mk-9 beamed directly behind the gate in the Pegasus galaxy will destroy that gate, the wormhole connection will be broken.

Gen. O'Neill: How do you know that?

Prior-Daniel: Hello!? Merlin!

Gen. O'Neill: [mockingly] Oh yes. [in "spooky" voice] Merlin!

Prior-Daniel: [frustrated] Jack, I wish I had proof. I wish I had a way to convince you, but I don't. Now this was the only choice I had and I took it. It's a good plan, it-it just happens to hinge on you guys believing in me, having a little faith. Now, I thought you of all people might!

Gen. O'Neill: Why!? You of all people should know that, I don't believe anything anybody says, even if I understand what they're talking about!

[Daniel still restrained, Vala on his lap]

Prior-Daniel: So... What the hell is going on?

Vala: This and that. You know, the usual. [excitedly] You'll never believe what's happening on One Life to Live!

Prior-Daniel: You know, I really hate to press the issue here, but I do have a deadline.

Vala: Oooh, so do we.

Prior-Daniel: Oh yes I know, before I figure out how to overcome the effects of the anti-Prior device, oooooh. I thought Teal'c believed me!

Vala: Well... I'm not sure how serious he is, he seems quite the prankster to me.

[...]

Vala: ... Not to worry. If it comes down to it, [leaving]I have a plan.

Prior-Daniel: Oh, you have a plan... Great. What is it?

Vala: Well... when I said that I had a plan, I meant that I have to plan... the plan. So when, o-or rather, if it comes down to it, I will have a plan. I've, uh, cleared my whole afternoon... for planning.

Woolsey: Dr. Jackson was the one who suggested that we should kill Khalek.

Gen. O'Neill: Longing for the days when I actually carried a weapon. What do you got?

Lt. Col. Carter: A crazy idea.

Gen. O'Neill: I'm down with crazy. I like crazy. Crazy and I are like... that.

Lt. Col. Carter: Cam likes crazy too.

Lt. Col. Mitchell: Listen, if what Jackson is saying is true, there is an Ori ship out there with a near-complete weapon on it that could prove useful against the Ori. I think we should go after it.

Gen. O'Neill: You're right. That's crazy!

[Woolsey walks into the room Daniel is being hold in aboard the Odyssey]

Prior-Daniel: No gun. Hm. Did you bring lethal injection, high voltage, or you're just gonna have them beam me out into space?

[O'Neill and Landry are walking through the conference room in the SGC, chatting. Suddenly, a startled Woolsey is beamed into the SGC briefing room. O'Neill and Landry consider him briefly, then O'Neill turns to Landry]

Gen. O'Neill: I thought we fixed it so that wouldn't happen again. [he is beamed out]

[Daniel beams O'Neill onto Odyssey's bridge]

Gen. O'Neill: ... Daniel?

Prior-Daniel: Jack.

Gen. O'Neill: What's up?

Prior-Daniel: Oh, I'm taking the ship.

Gen. O'Neill: [looking around] Oh I see that.

Prior-Daniel: Yeah I, I beamed the crew safely to the surface.

Gen. O'Neill: Nice for them.

Prior-Daniel: But as you probably figured out by now, I'm going to need you.

Gen. O'Neill: You know, I was just thinking how much I missed being needed.

[SG-1 is under fire from Ori soldiers]

Lt. Col. Mitchell: All right fellas, here's the deal! We are commandeering this ship! We'd like for you to throw down your weapons and surrender, please! [Mitchell barely dodges a staff blast] That's a no.

Gen. O'Neill: [sighing] Yep, just like old times. Except I'm here against my will, and you look like Marcel Marceau.

Prior-Daniel: Yeah, you know, some things change, but others stay the same.

Gen. O'Neill: Very good. Why'd you bother giving me the intel if you were going to bust out anyway?

Prior-Daniel: Well, obviously I'm improvising at this point. I had no idea when or even if I was going to be able to overcome the effects of the anti-Prior device. Time was running out. Adria's gonna notice my absence and become suspicious. So sending the rest of SG-1 to get the device was my only choice at the time.

Gen. O'Neill: Then why do this now?

Prior-Daniel: Because I'm afraid the rest of the team won't be able to complete the mission without me.

[Vala is explaining her "relationship" with Mitchell to Mitchell's parents]

Vala: Well, I mean at first it was just sex, sex, sex, in all rooms of the house at all times of the day! But uh, well, once we got a chance to get to know each other, we formed a deeper connection. A spiritual bond, you might say.

Jackie: Now, I can’t remember, did you go to GW?

Vala: Oh, I didn’t attend school. As much as I was sold as a domestic servant to a weapons smuggler named Firenze. After I killed him and won my freedom, I considered my education more or less complete.

Dr. Jackson: And you might have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for us meddling kids.

Vala: Well, when we fail to make the scheduled check-in, General Landry will dial in, at which point we'll ask him to send a naquadah generator and a laptop with a dialing program and that's that!

Dr. Jackson: We knew that! I-I-I thought that when I said that we're stuck, that you would know that I meant "until then."

Vala: Well, then you should say what you mean.

Dr. Jackson: I don't think you want me to start doing that.

Vala: I don't think you want to start thinking what I think.

Dr. Jackson: [checking his watch] So, therefore, next check-in is in just under six hours.

Vala: Good. Muscles, that means that we have time to go to the party.

[She starts to walk away until Mitchell's voice stops her.]

Lt. Col. Mitchell: No, it does not! It means we stay here out of sight and remain as inconspicuous as possible. With a bit of luck, the people on this planet will never even know we were here.

[The couple who had left the party before arrive in the gate room and are now just a few feet away from the team. They begin kissing intensely.]

Sylvana: [pushing him away for a moment] Don't. tell Hesellven, she is like a sister to me.

Heron: Never.

[They resume kissing. They stop and begin to walk toward the gate, where they finally see the team. Mitchell waves casually.]

Lt. Colonel Mitchell: Hi. There's nothing to be alarmed about. We um—

[The woman begins screaming then turns and runs out of the room, the man following her. She is still screaming. Teal'c and Mitchell head out after them, and Vala tries to follow, but Daniel holds her back.]

Vala: How come they get to go?

[Hesellven and Sylvana are catfighting]

Dr. Jackson: What the hell are you doing? Stop it!!

Sylvana: She started it!

Hesellven: Hah! I think you started it when you kissed Heron.

Dr. Jackson: [exasperated] Shut up! Shut up! You’re hostages! This is like a life and death situation here! Start acting like it.

Teal'c: In that case, there are some things you should know. The Ori do not ascend their followers. Arkad is a coward who will die by my hand. Also, I have planted an explosive device in your symbiote pouch. It is set to go off within a matter of moments. It is the same type that you used to kill twelve warriors, eighteen innocent bystanders, and two children who had gathered for a peaceful summit.

Ba'kad: They were sinners all, who chose the path of evil.

Teal'c: [walking away] Ten seconds.

Ba'kad: Where are you going?

Teal'c: I am leaving. You are about to explode.

Vala: Well, what would be the harm in us just…whoops! failing to stop Teal'c from killing Arkad? It wouldn't be entirely on purpose and not out of…accidental incompetence either, if you catch my drift.

(Teal'c has taken one of Jacek's tickets to the "Virginia Dialogues". He sits down between two women as the play begins)

Actress: My girlfriends and I talk about a lot of things. There's just one topic we rarely discuss. Vaginas. And I asked myself, why is that? Why don't we talk about vaginas? Why are work and kids and holiday plans more acceptable topics of conversation than our own vaginas? And I didn't have an answer. So, I took it upon myself to find out. I started to talk about vaginas at work, at home, sometimes even in fancy restaurants! Soon my friends started to talk about vaginas as well. And it was only a matter of time before it became a hot conversation topic. No matter where I went, it was "vagina this", "vagina that," "vagina, vagina, vagina…"

(He looks to the two women in turn, then sinks uncomfortably into his seat...)

Thor: You are the fifth race. Your role is clear. If there is any hope for the future, it lies with you, and your people.

Lt. Col. Carter: No pressure, huh?

Lt. Col. Mitchell: I've said it before, I am for fighting to the death, but we need a plan, preferably one that avoids the 'to the death' part.

[The Odyssey is stuck in a time-dilation field].

Lt. Col. Carter: The Asgard core has time dilation field technology built right into it. It was a quick and easy option. I'm actually gonna have to recreate some of Merlin's out-of-phase technology from scratch with what we have on-board. And it could take a while.

Dr. Jackson: Just to be sure, how long is a-a while in our time?

Lt. Col. Carter: I'm not exactly sure. But we have enough food and water for three months.

Vala: Do you think the Ori Soldiers could find a way to get through the time dilation field and over here onto the ship?

Teal'c: No.

Vala: Because I’m hearing things all the time. Are you hearing things?

Teal'c: I am trying not to.

Vala: Maybe they found a way to ring over but they can’t figure out how to secretly shut down the time dilation field so they’re trying to drive us crazy to get us to shut it down ourselves.

Teal'c: No.

Vala: That wasn’t a question.

Teal'c: No.

[Vala is trying to convince Daniel to have sex with her].

Vala: We’ve been here three months. Three months!

[Pause]

Vala: You do like girls?

Dr. Jackson[emphatically]: Yes!

Dr. Jackson: I mean, all they wanted to do was live a little longer. We're no different. Sequence DNA. Cure diseases. One fatal mistake, and they doom their entire race. I guess no matter what you do, at the end of the day…life is too short.

Vala[Narrating]: I was in a stolen cargo ship on my way home when a solar flare from a nearby star wreaked havoc on my navigation system, and I was forced to crash land on the nearest planet. In a bizarre twist of fate, I crashed right on top of the Goa'uld who ruled that planet [Vala timidly kicks the golden boots of the Goa'uld sticking out from under her ship]. Which was fortunate because my ship was too badly damaged to repair, and I needed help. The local villagers were very grateful [Vala walks with a crowd of Munchkins]. They introduced me to a lovely fair-haired Tok'ra who had been hiding out on the planet [Vala is shown listening to Carter, who is clearly made to look like Glenda the Good Witch, while both are tended to by Munchkins]. She told me the legend of a powerful ascended being who supposedly lived in some distant, far-off mountains, through a treacherous forest...

...I met up with a number of my friends along the way, and after a dangerous and eventful journey, we finally come face to face with the ascended being.

[Gen. Landry's massive, greenish, floating head is surrounded by smoke and flames]

Wizard Landry: What can I do for you?

Dorothy Vala: Well, at first, I thought I just wanted to go home, but now I've decided I'd quite like to be a part of something... a regular part, if you catch my drift.

Oh, and, uh, these guys have their own issues. Boys?

[Behind Vala aka Dorothy are Col. Mitchell as the Scarecrow, Dr. Jackson as the Lion, and Teal'c as the Tin-Man]