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June 30, 2008

Catch 22

(My first guest writer is Brian, my husband. I thought it would be good therapy for both of us if he were to write something on my blog. He agreed and here is his first ever appearance on I Should Be Folding Laundry. Let's give him a warm welcome! (Both he and I will be reading the comments as they come through, so feel free to leave a comment, we'd love to hear from you.) Brian is my first guest writer of many - I can't wait for you to read all of my guest writers throughout the next week or so, I am so excited!)

As Beth described earlier, it did take a quite a bit of persuading to get me to
write something on her blog. But hey, pizza is a magical food. So here I am. I
must admit it is intimidating to have such a large audience and the pressure to
come up with something profound is weighing heavily. Beth says not to worry
about it and to enjoy the pizza.

As you are most likely aware, Beth
is having guest bloggers this week since we are moving. This also happens to be
the only week that I am home out of a 5 week span where I am traveling for work
for 2 weeks at a time. I just got back from the first 2 week trip. This was
the longest I had ever been away from the kids and the longest I'd been away
from Beth since before we were married. We were extremely busy during the day
which made time fly, but the nights were rough. I never realized how much I
took for granted being able to put the kids to bed every night and read them
stories. I really missed Beth and it was hard to hear her be so sad and not be
able to do anything about it. Not that I could do much about it if I were home,
but I would certainly feel less helpless if I were sitting next to her.

As
most of you have figured out, most men are fixers. If you tell me something
that is wrong, I will most likely respond with a way to make it better. If I
can't figure out a way to fix it, I will then resort to finding a silver lining
in the situation. You know, the "yes, you wrecked your car but at least no one
was hurt and you really wanted a new car anyway." However, in the situation
with James and Jake there is no fixing and no silver lining. Which makes me
feel pretty useless. There is no comparison to the connection a mother has with
her unborn children. As a father, you love those children inside her belly with
all your heart and soul, but it still doesn't touch how much their mother loves
them. For me, watching the pain the Beth has gone through during these past 4
months has been every bit as difficult as actually losing the twins. I
understand why it is so difficult for her that I am going on these trips,
because she knows I wouldn't be going if she were still pregnant, not to mention
the chaos of starting a new business and moving into a new house.

I truly wish
that I did not need to go on these trips but I feel that some excellent
opportunities will arise from them. And it all comes back to the work / life
balance. I don't want to be one of those guys that is constantly on the road
and never gets to see his family or someone that might be home a lot but is
constantly working and completely disconnected to what is going on with his wife
and kids. Its funny how that sort of stuff can sneak up on you without even
realizing it. You want to provide for your family, so you go above and beyond
at work, which only leads to more work -- then your manager quits and you have
to start all over proving yourself to the new management and so it goes.. its
easy to completely immerse yourself in work (especially when you like what you
do) -- its not so easy to put the brakes on and take a step back and ask
yourself why you are doing it and assess if the trade-offs are actually worth
it. It didn't use to be this hard.

When we were little (that's what Beth and I
call our early 20s) I had the best job ever. I had no production
responsibilities (that means that if a computer broke, I would never be
called). I worked a normal 8 hr day, had amazing benefits a great boss and
rarely worked late and pretty much never worked when I was home. Beth also had
a full time job so we just enjoyed ourselves when had time together doing things
like eating mac and cheese and lots of crescent rolls. I think we appreciated
how easy things were, but not to the extent we should have. I remember how sad
Beth was when I when on my first business trip, it was for all of two nights
down in Houston. I bought her a TV for the bedroom to keep her company. It was
our first time apart since we had been married and it was a really big deal. I
traveled two other times in the 6 yrs between the first trip and my current job.
In the past two years I have traveled 6 times for my current job. Talk about
backwards, at a time when my kids could most benefit from my influence and my
wife needs the most support. But then again, we are moving into a new house.
So there you go, a catch 22.

I know this is something I will be struggling with for the
majority of my professional career, but I hope that I will be able to keep
things in balance. As GI Joe says.. knowing is half the battle. Before I go, I
do want to thank EVERYONE who has been so supportive of Beth while we have been
dealing with the lose of James and Jake. Even the simpliest gesture of leaving a
supportive comment have meant the world to her and we are forever grateful to
you.

My husband travels about three times a year for work, for two weeks at a time. The time he is away is hard, but very much worth the experience he gets while gone. It also makes me realize how much I depend on him at home. I think I have become a beter partner to him since the travel began.

It takes a strong person to maintain a work/life balance in the world today. It's tuff and some days it just plain sucks. But as you pointed out, it's a catch 22. Just the fact that you realize and acknowledge it is wonderful. But purse or iMac shopping for Beth doesn't hurt. (can I get an amen sista)

You two are wonderful. Congrats on the move and your first guest post.

i've been amazed by beth's strength, beauty,and courage since i have been reading here, and i have often wondered about you, her husband. what you were like? how were you dealing with the terrible sadness of losing your jake and james? after reading this, i feel like i got a glimpse of you...and i'm so glad she has a man like you!
hope the move goes smoothly.

Good post! My husband has been in the Navy 18 years. We have spent a total 5 and a half years apart. One of those stints was during a very late term miscarraige. That was so hard on him. In some ways I think harder for him to be half way across the world and have to come to terms with the loss of the baby in the belly he kissed goodbye just 3 months earlier... It was a loong 6 months that followed. Instead of coming home to a new baby and his wife, he came home to his wife alone. It really is hard. But, life goes on, these babies live with us forever, we now have two happy healthy teenagers... And that causes a whole new set of deployment issues.. LOL

"Not that I could do much about it if I were home, but I would certainly feel less helpless if I were sitting next to her."

I've felt the same way as Beth's friend- what could I possibly do to make things better? But just being near her and "there" has made me feel like I'm at least doing something.

I know it has to be so hard being a support in a financial way as well as emotionally, when your family is crumbling and needing you more than ever to just sit there and hold them. I only know what it's like to be the Mom. Thank you for sharing your heart as the Dad.

We have difficulty with out of town trips over here too. We went several years without us being apart a single night. For me, they get easier...but I am sure it's lonely being away from home. However, myself? I'd pay someone else to let me go on a business trip! So, now when my husband goes out of town, I am mostly jealous and not as sad as I used to be. Luckily, it isn't frequent.
I hope it gets easier for you both!

Life seems like one giant catch 22 sometimes, doesn't it? Wait, I just read some of the other comments and everyone is saying that. Let's try to think of something original. Try this:

I think the sign of a good parent is someone who does worry about stuff like this. Because a bad parent wouldn't care at all how much time they spent with their kids. I am sure your kids know how much you love them and how much you would rather be spending time with them than going on trips. And on the off chance they don't know it, they now have this blog to reassure them.

Very well-said Brian. My hubby is works out of town for 2-4 weeks at a time. It is a constant struggle for me to take care of the 4 kids and everything else all alone, but I do know he is doing the best he can to provide for this family and know that he would rather not be away either. It is hard to find and maintain that balance... just take things as they come. :o)

Great post! I could never, in a million years and with 2 million pounds of pizza, persuade my hubby to take part in my blogging. I'm very proud of you and Beth is certainly blessed to have a man like you (even though she did have to bribe you) ;-)

What a great post Brian. Thanks for giving me a peek into the mind of a man who has lost children. My husband and I lost our little girl in Nov. and though we could both agree that it was different for me than for him I still felt guitly for thinking it was harder on me than him. Seeing it from an outside perspective has helped ease the guilt.

Great Post Brian! I especially loved the quote from GI Joe. Did you know they're making a movie?
Try not to feel too guilty about your trips. It sounds like you haven't crossed the line into being a work-obsessed dad, and you have one heck of a wife to pick up the slack.

It is so great hearing from you!! Although I am not the bread winner in my family, I understand all too well the judgling act of life and work. I just went back this year to teaching and put my all into it. Unfortunately, my children and David have suffered this year. Although, I will say they have survived without me very well, I miss so many aspects of being a stay at home mom. Hopefully, next year I will learn to balance better. Good luck to you and figuring it all out. It sounds like you are doing a great job so far.

To both of you, I hope the move goes smoothly. I can't wait for pictures!

Welcome Brian! I think you did a fantastic job on your first foray into the blogging world. Even though I don't blog (although I have contemplated it), I love seeing both sides of a relationship blogging. It's perspective that you wouldn't otherwise have. I hope you venture out here more often.
Kirsten

My dad was in the Navy when I was young, and I distinctly remember him going "out-to-sea" for months at a time. My mom was always strong for me and my brothers, and we always had lots of things to do (my mom's way of passing the time!)... but there are many times when I heard her crying in the next room. I want to cry just thinking about it. I also remember when the ships came back to shore and all the moms and kids and families would wait at the docks for hours and hours until their husband/dad/son came in on one of the smaller boats. Then the celebrating began. My dad was a man with great big strong hugs and kisses... and that is what I remember. Even more than him being away, I remember him returning.

My husband was a teacher and guidance counselor for many years, so her did not have business or service trips... but once, when my daughter Jane was 4 years old (she is now 27!), he went on a conference in Cape Cod. Well, you would have thought he was going away for 10 years the way she cried and cried. I took the kids to Papa Gino's for pizza (ah, a girl after your own heart!) just to take her mind off of her dad. She LOVED the juke box, too, so I gave her mega-quarters and let her rip her tunes. Well, STUCK ON YOU by Lionel Richie was BIG at the time... and she played it... and sobbed and sobbed, saying that the song reminded her of her dad. She told me that night that she was going to dance to that song at her wedding with him... and on December 4, 2004, she did. By then everyone in our family knew the story... so everyone just cried and cried during the dance. Tears of joy and tears for the little girl who so loved her daddy.

Beth is a remarkable woman... I love her dearly. I am so happy to know you through your beautiful words. You are a perfect husband and daddy... and your magnificent little children and Beth are very lucky people! And pretty soon, Ariel will be picking out her own daughter/daddy dance song. Ah...