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Friday, June 6, 2014

WEIGHING UP THE ODDS BEFORE DECIDING ON RADIOTHERAPY

I have very
recently discovered a diary from mid-2002 that I had journalled in before we
decided on whether or not I was going to have radiotherapy later that year. In
this journal I talked about an appointment in March of that year where we had
to weigh up the pros and cons of my having the treatment. I will directly quote
the journal from here.

___________________________________________________

“We’ve just
arrived home after my appointment with Dr Law regarding the question of whether to have radiotherapy
or not. Also having been given the added extra of the long-term outlook with my
tumour and that it will undoubtedly shorten my life-span.

This one
hour’s appt has made this a huge day with overwhelming issues discussed and
covered. There is the prospect of radiotherapy, but there is also the issue of
when is the right time to have it – now, as a ‘pro-active’ way of stopping the
tumor growing further, or once I am getting more symptoms from the tumor which
would indicate further growth or change. What I am not so keen on though, is
the prospect of these symptoms. Mr Law stated that once these symptoms had
occurred they would be irreversible – I am not at all convinced at this stage that
I want to wait until these symptoms occur.

Dr Law has
also stated today that the tumour has changed, it has changed in form.
Last week Dr Hepner (Mr Law’s registrar) stated that the tumor had
‘progressing’ nodules in it. This meant that the cancer cells were increasing
in those areas, but not that they had spread outside the tumor. The tumor has
not in any way spread, but it has increased in size, and any expansion in this
area of the brain is of some concern.

Amongst all
the ‘to deal with now’ things, the one thing that has thrown me the most was
being reminded of my mortality. Dr Law stated that having the tumor will
undoubtedly shorten my life-span. This is not something that I have ever accepted,
nor something that I coped well with hearing really (not that that I ever show
that in an appointment. One has to remain emotionally calm to take in all that
is being loaded on.

But after an
appointment like this there are just so so many things to think about. So many
that one overloaded brain can’t possibly attempt to do so and cope. And yet,
even when I’m not consciously aware that I’m thinking about it, I find myself
trying to prepare myself for the ‘worst case scenarios’. I don’t know why my
mind is automatically doing this again. After 2000, when nearly all the worst case
scenarios did happen, I decided that I would never try and foresee what was
going to happen as God would be with me at that time and give me the strength
to go on. It’s the whole point of Matthew 6v. 34 (“therefore do not worry about
your tomorrow as tomorrow will bring its own worries”). We should not be worrying
about tomorrow (and the anxieties it may hold) as God promises to be there in
that tomorrow.

You know, I
think that the whole ‘worst case scenario’ thing is most certainly a defense
mechanism. In mentally preparing oneself for the event you are somehow left
with this false sense of security that if it was then to occur, you would be
able to stay calm about it regardless.

Although I
know that none of us are immortal; although I know that I am so blessed to have
had the eight years that I have had (since I was diagnosed), I still find a
small part of me crying out ‘please God, please let me have more’.

More time,

More living,

More love,

More chances
for giving

More chances
to communicate God’s peace to others through this foggy complexity.

My greatest
desire of all is to fulfill God’s purpose for my life. It is something I have
little control over, and something that I have to trust Him completely with.
For He is the only one in all of this that does know all the answers, reasons
and outcomes.

He is the only
one that does know when the right time for me to have radiotherapy is. The only
one that knows what the outcome of that will be. God is the only one that will
be there with me through every moment of my today and my tomorrows. For aside
from this entire tumor / radiotherapy thing, there is also the searing reality
of this chronic ongoing pain, though I do feel that I am starting to manage
that much better now days.

The reality is,
that it is only through that pain that I have come to know the moment by moment
comfort, assurance, peace and reality that God has on offer.”

_______________________________________________________

What I found
quite amazing in rediscovering and reading this journal entry is that we followed
what we felt God was guiding us to do – for me to go ahead and have radiotherapy. Now,
as a result of doing so, I no longer have a brain tumour. Even though Mr Law had
said that my tumour would undoubtedly shorten my life-span, this is actually no
longer the case.

It is
extraordinary to me to see how God was faithful right from giving us as a sense
of which direction to go in with the radiotherapy to, little by little,
shrinking my brain tumour until our finding out in March 2013 that it no longer
exists.

Something we
have learnt over the years is to go where peace goes. God didn’t direct us
about whether or not to have radiotherapy through words written in the clouds,
nor a distinct vision, but rather that we began to feel complete peace and
confidence that this was the right way to go.

It is hard to
put in words how incredibly privileged, blessed and fortunate I feel that this was
the case. I feel confidence in knowing that wherever God leads me is the
right direction to go in. To know that even though I can’t see into my future that
I can trust in the God who has known it since before I was born.