5 Prison Jokes

The Prison Old-Timer

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says: "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Bill Gates. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked: "And... what happened?"

"One day Bill Gates reported his credit cards missing!"

Just One Wish

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.

The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."

They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it."

They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

Never Again

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place".

Ready... Aim...

Three prisoners are being executed via firing squad. The police are about to execute the first one when he yells EARTHQUAKE!

The police go running and the prisoner escapes before the police realize there's no earthquake.

Right before they execute the second one, he yells TORNADO!

Of course, there is no tornado, but the prisoner escapes before the police realize that.

It was turn for the third to be executed. The police go "Readyyy... Aim...". Then, Frank yells "FIRE!"

The Right Time to Plant Lettuce

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: 'Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?'

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: 'Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money'.

A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife: 'Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden'.

The prisoner writes back: 'Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce'.