Saturday, September 11, 2010

Maddeningly Unhelpful Advice--How to underperform at wasting time

I am unarguably the best player of bejeweled blitz ever. (Don't pay attention to all the people above me in the rankings. I just pretend they don't exist.)

Okay, so I'm not. And I think that's what makes my addiction to this game that much more pathetic. I am, at best, a mediocre player. So if you, too, want to be mediocre, just apply the following steps to your playing (I could compare them to writing too, but that might be too helpful).

1. Constantly get distracted by the shiny jewels. In fact, focus all your efforts into trying to get them and only them to explode.

2. When angry at your horrible performance, use phrases like, dag nabit. Then wonder where that phrase came from. Google its history. Find nothing even remotely useful but waste fifteen minutes on it anyway. Decide you are going to stop using the words dag nabit. Immediately use them again.

3. Hum a jeopardy type song while you play and then let the song start to cause feelings of anxiety because you've given yourself an earlier time limit than the game has given you. Panic.

4. Get a very bad score. Stare accusingly at all the profile pics of the people who have very good scores.

5. Compare bejeweled to writing and sink into a deep well of depression. Tell yourself if only you were better at bejeweled blitz you would succeed at writing.

I've always enjoyed the phrase "dag nabbit". You may also find the phrase "flibbity jibbit" will bring you as much joy and it has to me. A word about becoming the best: You just need the proper motivation. For example, now that I know you like this "bejeweled" nonsense, I will tell you that until you become the best, neither I nor any of your friends will ever speak to you again. Do I have the influence on your friends or the patience to do it myself? No! Which is why we should never speak of this again. Now, let's eat twinkies.

When? This morning and I had to play until I finally beat you. Took some time, now I really HAVE to get ready for work!! That game really should come with warnings about how addictive it is! Surgeon General, where are you when we need you??