Wednesday, September 28, 2011

In economics, there is no such thing as a free meal. The true cost of anything is what one gives up in order to attain it. In each opportunity we choose to hold onto, there may be numerous other choices that we no longer have the ability to see and choose. It is certainly possible that we may never know what these opportune moments are, but the fact remains that these things can no longer be a part of our being.

In every single thing we choose, we certainly give up something else. A sacrifice of not choosing will definitely grant us new choices. Each has its own merits, but which one is better? I firmly believe that our freedom comes from our ability to make choices, but now, I'm having second thoughts. It seems that each time I make a decision, a small part of my freedom withers away, never to be seen again till the end of time.

After a long wait, my passport has finally arrived. The grueling processing in the Department of Foreign Affairs resulted in a stiff document in brown sleeves. The very first thing that I thought was that it was a convenient item to have, since most application forms require proof of identity: a passport was one of those documents accepted. I have always had an "identity crisis" being not having enough identification that is recognized by banks or institutions. But then, I realized that hey, this is actually my passport. It had my face printed in shiny material on the first page of it. I realized that this same document will be my gateway to different places, hopefully all over the world. As far as I can remember, it has always been a dream of mine to travel to different countries and get exposed to beautiful places, know interesting cultures, and meet unique people.

And this document with a semblance to crisp money is the first key among many.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Omega, my team at work, had a night out at my boss' house last Friday. A lot of fun things happened, and in fact, it was one of the best night outs to date.

Looking at the current situation of our company, it seems that people are relatively dissatisfied at least about something. For others, it is the meager compensation as compared to other companies. For some people, it is about the people they are working with: either too bossy and self-centered, or just doesn't give a damn at all.

I have to say that am lucky that I feel pretty much content with what I have. The benefits can definitely better, but my consolation is that I am working with people who I get along with well. At least for now, that's enough.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Work today was one of those experiences wherein you tend to ask yourself if you'll wish for something more.

Time steadily soldiered onwards as the day progressed. I briefly explained how a part of our application worked to our two new teammates. I found it interesting that I managed to fluently explain how things went by -- and fluency isn't one of my best assets. Even more, I enjoyed myself in explaining how the processes went. Maybe it was just me enjoying a small, intimate group, or me having a great time in proving to myself that I could do it.

Right after that, I tagged along with a few friends of mine to eat some good old street food. It was then that I realized how I missed how nice vinegar and onions tasted on fishballs and kikiam. It was a slice of a shallow paradise -- the dusk sun slowly creeping away, the noise of vehicles rushing by, and of course, the smell of cooking oil frying some skewer delights.

I felt very mababaw, as a matter of fact. Sometimes, when things get very busy, I fail to see the simple things that make me feel content deep inside. And to me, those things are the things that matter the most.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

A few days ago, my mom just snapped. She went into a furious episode of saying things out of anger. It started because she thought that my dad was the one who set up the dining table. We all know that my mom dislikes that, since my dad is the one working and putting food in the table. I understand her sentiment, but what she did back then was a little bit too far, in my opinion.

She burst into yelling and yelling about things all of us already know. Her feelings were she's the only one moving in the house to do chores, and it was us crossing the line when my dad starts to do them too. A little irritated, I told her without raising my voice that I was the one who set up the table, but she just shrugged it off, telling me how incomplete my job was. I just totally lost my appetite and walked away without saying anything else.

In my room, my brother told me that I shouldn't have done what I did. He thought that I just made things worse for all of us. I asked him if what I did was wrong. He said no, and before he could say anything else, I told him that if that's the case, how will I make things, ugly as they were, uglier? It was just me standing up for what I believed is right. Yes, I agree that my mom does most of the work, but it wasn't correct that she treated us lower than our pet dogs. All of us do something to help with the chores in the house, and it wasn't right for her to just snap out like that.

I'm not angry. Probably I'm just a little disappointed on my mom because I thought that she can be better than that. I respect her so much, and hopefully, she knows that I do.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Since I started working, I have believed that this career is not the career I will be in in the future. I am not saying that I do not like programming at all. Programming brings me a love-hate relationship: I love it during those times wherein I surmount a seemingly impossible obstacle, and I hate it during the times wherein I realize there is a seemingly impossible obstacle. It has been a constant cycle of loving and hating, and I have learned to like and accept it as an integral part of who I am today. For the past eight months, I have not totally regretted a day that has passed, however I can just imagine myself enjoying more in another career.

During my sophomore year in college, a senior shared his thoughts with the question if my course will make me happy. His stand was simple: if you find yourself constantly pushing your limits to do better each time, then yes, that is the course for you. However, if most of the time you find yourself bordering the lines of mediocrity and failure, then it's time to reconsider. There are plenty times wherein I answered the call to step up and persevere, but there are also the times wherein I told myself that I was tired, and let someone else carry the flag for all of us. Honestly, I am happy and content with what I am doing, but there are those times wherein I feel empty inside. A part of me wants to do something else, but another part of me is settled to being who I am now -- and that is what troubles me the most.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

A few weeks ago, I went out with someone who was very vocal in telling me that he liked me. He would constantly ask me how I was doing, how my day was turning out, and how I was feeling. He knew what I was going through, and fair enough, he was one of the people whom I believed would understand what was happening to me. I sincerely trusted his words of encouragement, to the point that I relied on him for support.

But I was afraid. I wasn't ready. I honestly didn't know if I liked him for being that way, or because of the fact that I was going through something painful and didn't want to be lonely. With his honesty in mind, I gathered enough courage to tell him that I wasn't so sure of what I felt for him. He gave me some time and space to consider what I was really feeling, but it came to the point wherein he just couldn't bare it any longer.

I was too selfish for my own good. I told him that I wanted to think of my own happiness first before others, and that I believed that during that time, being alone was the right thing to do. It didn't exactly bring me happiness, but it brought me happiness contained in the fact that I was doing what I believed to be the correct step forward. In a very civil and composed manner, he told me everything that I did or did not do that brought about him pain, and that it was better to forget about each other.

At first, I didn't want to let go. However, I thought that he didn't deserve to be chained down, waiting for a future that was uncertain. Telling him that I understood why he felt that way, I asked him if he'll accept my apology for a chance for him to be my friend. I really wanted him to be a good friend because of his very kind and honest heart, but he said he wasn't sure.

I felt so ashamed of myself.

A few weeks have passed, and I learned that he now has a boyfriend. I was not surprised because of that, but what bewildered me was how I felt when I learned about it. It was a mix of four strong emotions that had a crude blend. The result was something unpleasant, but I managed to fight it off and tell myself that at least, he will forget about me.

The thing I regret doing was me taking him for granted. Yes, I was going through a lot, but it was not enough an excuse to take someone important for granted. I just sort of believed that he would understand me as he underwent the same things that I went through, and that was wrong. In the end, I only caused him pain, which was something he didn't deserve at all.

Until now, I am still uncertain about my feelings for him. But now, I have no more reason to think about it. Going back to the happier times, I asked him what was the cologne he wore when we went out. He wouldn't tell, and said that he'll give me some as a gift since I really liked it. As I was doing my groceries yesterday, I curiously picked up a bottle of cologne and tried it out -- it was his. Putting the small bottle in my basket, I wondered if my decision some weeks ago was the right thing.