Archive for February, 2009

Declaring today, Saturday, and Sunday a “Final Blowout Sale”, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith today made his way throughout the store, slashing prices on everything, including all brand name appliances, designer fashions, quality home furnishings, and more. Many sale items already deeply discounted are now as much as 80 to 95% off. “He must be insane to be doing this,” commented one amazed shopper. “That guy doesn’t even work here.”

Rev. Smith today gave a fiery speech denouncing the practice of animal husbandry in all its forms. “I’m not some kind of pervert, so I don’t know what exactly this whole ‘animal husbandry’ thing is, but it sounds very wrong to me,” said Smith, “very wrong.” He went on to say that he was “pretty sure” it was also an abomination against God. “I understand that in many foreign countries, this so-called ‘occupation’ is the number one form of employment. Well, if you ask me, that’s just fucking gross.”

Arby’s CEO Tom Garrett announced plans today for Arby’s restaurants to begin offering their clientele a variety of “gentlemen’s magazines” to browse free of charge while visiting the restaurant. The move is part of an effort by Arby’s to shore up patronage amongst its target demographic of males aged 16 to 55, and give the venerable fast food franchise’s locations more of an “old neighborhood barbershop kind of feel” explained Garrett. “Nothing too distasteful,” he added, “just some years-old copies of Playboy, Penthouse, or Oui.” Asked whether he was concerned that the presence of such magazines might drive away potential female customers, Garrett replied, “Our intensive market research has shown us that women are not interested in eating at Arby’s.”

Rev. Smith this morning appeared before a Santa Clara county circuit judge, seeking a restraining order against the rest of the world. Smith gave testimony to the effect that the rest of the world is “out to get him”, providing police and medical reports to back up his statements. Judge Horatio Vaslquelez listened to Smith for four and a half hours and has promised a decision later in the day. If granted, the rest of the world will by required to stay at least 1500 feet away from Smith at all times and will be prohibited from owning or possessing any firearms while the restraining order is in effect.