Ask Amy: Marriage 101: No lying or spying

Monday

Mar 30, 2009 at 5:00 AM

DEAR AMY: After about three years of dating, my boyfriend and I hit a rocky patch. During that time, I saw an e-mail that indicated he was involved in a flirtation with someone else. I broke up with him. After three months we got back together, then soon after that we became engaged, and then married.

During the engagement, I was aware he kept in contact with this woman by phone. He said it was nothing more than friendship, and I believe him.

My husband still talks to her and doesn't tell me. He also exchanges e-mails from time to time with his ex-wife, and the tone of this communication bothers me.

Obviously, I don't feel comfortable enough with his behavior to stop spying on him.

Otherwise, our relationship is good and healthy.

I've been to a counselor, we've talked, yet the secrets continue and so do my suspicions. Please help! -- Susan

DEAR SUSAN: I imagine your counselor told you in addition to talking to a professional, you should talk to your husband -- preferably in a counselor's office.

You say your relationship is good and healthy -- and if only he wasn't keeping things from you and you weren't spying on him, everything would be great.

I don't want to alarm you, but lying and spying are indications everything isn's quite swell at home.

You need to work this out with him, and you two must drill to the heart of what kind of marriage you want to have.

Because his contact with these women bothers you so much, he should respect you enough to include you in his friendships to erase all doubt about his behavior.

In turn, you should give him a chance to understand how important transparency is to a marriage -- and you should trust that he will be honest in his actions -- and stop spying on him.

DEAR AMY: My wife has been invited to a baby shower.

The expectant mother is our 21-year-old grandson's girlfriend. They are not married.

I am against honoring this lack of commitment and their unwed pregnancy with a gift, which says we approve of what they're doing.

My wife says the gift is for the baby, and therefore it is OK. In addition, she is fearful of hurting our grandson.

What should we do? -- At Odds

DEAR AT ODDS: If you think that boycotting this shower will convey the point you want to make, you're wrong. This young family will not think you're taking an important moral and ethical stance; instead they will wonder about your family values.

If you think your grandson should marry his girlfriend, you should tell him so. But this young man's matrimonial choice is not the baby's fault -- and like it or not, you will soon have a new family member to worry about, whether you decide to welcome him or her into the world.

Your wife is right: A baby shower should be all about the baby, and a baby has a better chance of doing well in life if he or she comes into the world showered with joy.

DEAR AMY: I am responding to the letter from "Upset Daughter-in-Law," whose mother-in-law cried and carried on when she didn't get her way at the grandchild's first birthday party. My mother-in-law has acted similarly on numerous occasions. The few times she has been called on her behavior, she has turned on the waterworks, become conspicuously passive aggressive, or both.

For me, it is obvious my mother-in-law's behavior has been reinforced by the fact her husband and children have, during 40-plus years, rarely said anything about her childish and, oftentimes, hurtful behavior. -- Similarly Upset

DEAR UPSET: The key to change lies with the family. Those who enable childish and manipulative behavior are doomed to suffer it.