History Made as Klingon Andros Scores for England – by Rob Atkinson

History was made at Wembley on Friday night as Tottenham’s Andros Townsend became the first extra-terrestrial to score for England.

Townsend, though reported by some sources to have been born in Leytonstone, actually originated on the Klingon home-world Qo’noS. It is thought that he is the result of a committed relationship in the early nineties between a Klingon warrior who travelled through time and space through a wormhole to Earth, and a timid secretary from Waltham Forest. The couple made the return journey to Qo’noS so that the young Andros should be able to absorb the culture of his paternal bloodline, but when the lad showed a preference for kicking a ball around instead of engaging in martial drills and studying the history of the Klingon warrior race, the family returned again to Earth and settled in North London where Spurs, attracted by his ability to score headed goals from inside his own half, signed Andros in 2009.

Klingons are known to have had sexual relations with humans, with the “Voyager” character B’Elanna Torres being an example of a Klingon-human hybrid. However, Townsend is thought to be the first descendant of the male Klingon bloodline to have forced his way into the Tottenham Hotspur first team, though some have questioned whether Nayim was of Romulan descent.

Townsend’s first start for England, capped by his debut goal, has been identified as the dawn of a new era for the game in this country, exceeding in its cultural impact the international breakthrough of Viv Anderson who became the first black player selected by England in the late seventies. An FA spokesman said “It was indeed an historic moment when Viv made his bow, and a massive step forward which was rightly hailed as such by the press at the time – with the notable exception of the Daily Mail who instead called for closer links with South Africa as practised by the England cricket team. But tonight’s achievement by Andros – the first acknowledged member of a different species, with due deference to the claims of Wayne Rooney, to actually play for England – well, it opens up whole new worlds of possibilities. If you’ll forgive the pun.”

The FA are now thought likely to investigate whether there might be other sources of extra-terrestrial talent available to the national team. Enquiries so far have revealed nothing definite, though there are thought to be possibilities in the north-east.

Two of the other England goals against Montenegro were scored by human beings, Daniel Sturridge and an own goal from Boskovic. Wayne Rooney also got on the scoresheet as England swept aside their opposition by four goals to one. They now require a victory against Poland next Tuesday to seal qualification for next year’s World Cup Finals in Brazil. In the wake of Townsend’s feat in scoring the first alien goal for England, the FA have revealed a “good luck” message from the Klingon Empire which reads simply: Qapla’ .