A place to air serious questions and problems related to domination and submission - and to offer help and support

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Graham's update

Graham wrote to Uncle Agony with a relationship here. He wrote in again with an update here. In summary his partner is married and her guilt and fears of getting caught have resulted in a number of strategies including an online relationship.

The relationship seemed to have developed in very positive ways as Graham describes below. However Graham is finding it difficult to know how to cope with his partner's feelings of guilt.

Thought I would provide an update and ask you and your readers for some thoughtsSince last September we have been very committed to our relationship and our love has grown.We took a vacation together where we experienced all the physical experiences we have been wanting and needing......But there is one aspect that nags at us....and that is why I'm writingAt times as you know our relationship seems like a roller coaster ride.This comes from her deep need regarding her submission....and the guilt she feels from being married ( our relationship is secret) and her desire not to hurt her family and friends if she (we) are discovered.At times she says she can't look at herself in the mirror - over the "fraud" she is committing. .....and then feels inclined to back off.This of course is the opposite where I would like things to go, but her fear about being in public, doing touching in a car, even getting a hotel room, has little appeal for her. I'm ok anyway I can to be together.....and would like more.I suggested we lease an apartment, or buy a condo or motor home.....and while initially she thought that was a good thing......the guilt overwhelmed her and she doesn't want to talk about .She has been married over 30 years with wonderful children and good friends and she doesn't want to hurt anyone.....but she says I am the only one who can give her all that she needs and wants. We do love eachother very much.I want to care and support her everyday I can.....but when these guilt feelings come over her....I'm not sure what I can do to help.Any thoughts?Graham

I replied,

I know of many women whose husband could not or would not meet their submissive needs who have taken on clandestine relationships purely to meet that need. However they continue to love their family and husband. That is what causes the guilt.You say she loves you and of course in a way she does because you meet her needs and have a close and intimate relationship and enjoy spending time together. However she has another life that she does not want to give up and knows she is in danger of causing severe hurt and distress to people she loves who have done nothing to deserve it.If you want to help her then you need to try to understand her and recognise that this is not a rejection of you but a natural response to the necessary secrecy of her life with you and what she may see as a betrayal of those closest to her. If you truly wish her to be fulfilled then you need to work with her to try to address and resolve those issues. I worry you may just want the issues to disappear so you can each enjoy what you have together. I don't think though that it is going to disappear and there is little you can do that will help that happen. What you can do is to recognise her distress, understand it and try to help her find her own way of coming to terms with it.Does that make any sense?

3 comments:

Fear and guilt are two sides of an explanatory triangle. The other side may very well be an internal conflict.

The woman in question may simply be someone unable to be satisfied with one man for very long. Thus, she may come with no assurances that any man can exclusively please her. It might be worth considering that even if you manage to take her away from her husband, she may continue to play the field with someone else.

Somewhere in all of this, the woman is tying to fulfill a need. If you can find out what's driving her, you will go a long way in predicting future behaviors.

I think you are right that internal conflict is very much part of this. However as I see it that conflict is between her love for her husband and her family and her deep submissive desires that she needs to have met elsewhere. in meeting those needs that is leading to fear that she might get found out and guilt at the act of betrayal.

I am not sure though that I have picked up anything in the emails Graham has written to me that suggests she may not be satisfied with just one man but you may have picked on something I had not taken into account.

Quite likely you are right. After all, you are much closer to the source than am I. Besides, it is quite difficult arriving at the correct answer when one only has one side of the information through a secondary source.

Meanwhile, I only posted one of three possible ideas pertaining to the circumstances. One of the remaining suggests the woman's conflict arises from being in an in-between phase of losing respect for a husband unable to handle her while, at the same time, having her disciplinarian dominating her thought.

Many years ago, my then almost 20-year-old future wife went through a similar experience. Back then, daughters could still be legally spanked by their parents until their 21st birthday. On a practical level, it was often so long as the daughter remained under her parents' roof!

However, despite having the authority to do so, her parents were reluctant give her a one of those panties to her knees blisterings almost grown single daughters used to get for adolescent behaviors.

As our relationship developed, and after talking about it, my then girlfriend agreed to let me start disciplining her as if I were her father. In time, although I was too young at the time to understand what was going on, I became the authority figure in her life even before we married a few months later.

While, in my wife's case, there wasn't much conflict since was looking for a husband unafraid to pull her pants down and put her in her place when she needed it, I can see how a similar experience for an already married would cause considerable internal turmoil.

The Purpose of This Blog

Through writing my blog Pygar - A Kind Dom I receive a certain amount of mail. Some of this mail is asking for my advice and support - occasionally about some serious and difficult subjects. I always try to reply as helpfully as I can but am aware that my knowledge and wisdom is limited.

The purpose of this blog is to air some of these requests for advice publicly - but anonymously. Readers are invited to contribute their advice through the comments. Please ensure that comments are intended kindly and supportively. If I feel that any advice does not meet that requirement I will delete it.

If anybody has a question or problem that they would like airing here - then please email me.

Helpful Books

These books have been recommended by readers of this blog. If you have others to suggest please email me.

The Loving Dominant, by John WarrenSM 101, by Jay WisemanConsensual Sadomasochism, by William A Henkin Ph.D and Sybil HolidayThe New Topping Book, by Dossie Easton and Janet W. HardyThe Master's Manual, by Jack Rinella.Partners in Power: Living In Kinky Relationships, by Jack RinellaDifferent Loving:The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission, by Gloria Brame, William D. Brame and Jon JacobsScrew the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism, by Philip Miller, Molly DevonThe Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities, by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. LisztThe Surrendered Wife, by Laura Doyle

About Me

A Dom who feels he doesn't fit into the mould of "Dom-ness" trying to explore his own nature and feelings and some thoughts about D/s.
Pygar was not a Dom. He was an angel. He was also blind. But he did get to shag Jane Fonda!