Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux Are Having the Fanciest Honeymoon Ever

From M. Swiet Productions (Bora Bora), by Jason Merritt (Theroux and Aniston), both from Getty Images

What’d you do for your honeymoon? My parents went to New Hampshire. From Boston. A lovely time, sure, but not all that, y’know, exotic. Maybe you went to Hawaii? I was once on a plane and sitting in the row behind me were two alarmingly young newlyweds who read their Bibles all the way from J.F.K. to LAX. But at least they were going to Hawaii! Me? I’ll probably never have a honeymoon, because Eddie Redmayne still doesn’t seem all that interested, but if I did, I’d want it to be something like Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux’s honeymoon. The newlyweds (can you believe it??!! Sweet god, finally, finally poor Jennifer is a complete woman! Well, almost complete . . .) headed off to the most exotic place they could think of, Cancun. No, no, just kidding, they went to freaking Bora Bora.

Yes! Bora Bora, that island you thought Pippi Longstocking made up. (Does this mean Villa Villekulla could be real? Tell us, Tami Erin!) That’s where Jen and Justin went. But they’re not staying in some palapa down by the dunes. No, friends, they’re staying at the Four Seasons resort, a place so luxe and lavish that Page Six wrote a whole dang article about how luxe and lavish it is. And boy, is this place fancy. Sure, the Hampton Inn has a continental breakfast and free USA Today, but the Four Seasons Bora Bora has “thatched roof bungalows, which can cost up to $5,000 per night each, built over the tropical lagoon.” There’s a villa there that rents for $12,500 a night. Pretty swanky! And there’s more. A lot more.

Page Six gushes, understandably, over the “body scrub with Tahitian black pearl powder and native fragrant vanilla, a full-body massage and a de-stressing facial” that you can get there, for a cool 375 bones a pop. They’re also pretty into the resort’s special romantic meal experience, on a “secluded island where an array of canapés awaits alongside rosé Champagne. Wagyu beef, lobster and local specialties are prepared by the executive chef and delivered by a private server.” It’s a little less than a grand to do that island feast, which is a lot to spend on dinner! I mean, sure, a few hundred bucks at your local Bugaboo Creek Steakhouse on a Friday night, that happens. But that’s for a bunch of huge steaks and like a zillion Bunyan Onions. Just under a thousand dollars for some measly old beef and lobster that’s probably covered in sand? I’m sure it’s all pretty nice, but that’s a lotta scratch.

But, Jennifer and Justin are willing to pay it. As are their celebrity guests, people like Chelsea Handler, Jason Bateman, and Courteney Cox, Jennifer’s old friend from work. They’re all on that enchanted island together, getting dirt rubbed on their bodies and eating beef in the sand. There’s a catamaran they can rent for 700 smackeroos if that floats their boat, but I dunno. I can’t really see Justin Theroux on a catamaran. I mean, is a catamaran really any place for leather? (I just assume Justin Theroux is wearing leather at all times.)

Anyway, take this all as inspiration for your honeymoon. Sure, you might not have a spare $50,000 lying around, especially after you just, y’know, had a wedding that cost a lot of money—it’s a shame about those swans, but in your defense, and you can tell the Animal Control investigators I said this, it was a great idea—but maybe you can make some tweaks. Instead of Bora Bora, go to Walla Walla. Instead of the the Four Seasons? Stay at the Two Seasons, that motel out by Bennington Lake that isn’t winterized. Don’t have the money for beef on the beach? Pork in bed! (It is your honeymoon after all!!) Who needs a catamaran when you have a haunted canoe that a summer camper died in in ‘76? See, there are ways to almost have Jen and Justin’s honeymoon, without spending tens of thousands of dollars.