People who play Tetris over a sustained period of time find themselves thinking about ways that objects can fit together in the real world so, for example, when they see a book they instinctively imagine slotting it into a space on a shelf or if they catch sight of their fist they envisage placing it perfectly into Jeremy Kyle's provocative face. What this means for hacks who spend their summer days scribbling transfer yarns is that when they see a footballer they instinctively link him with a club where the fit seems plausible.

Sometimes, however, such as when the author is suffering from the delirium tremens or is plain stupid, the fit seems preposterous: no better example could be given than today's internet gossip linking Real Madrid with a sensational swoop for Carlton Cole.

Mind you, it is true that Cole is in demand. Stoke definitely want him, Birmingham are thinking about it and, it is claimed, even Liverpool's Roy Hodgson is tempted, though only, it is also claimed, if Kevin Doyle can't be got. And as Real search for a new striker, José Mourinho is considering some surprising options – Amauri of Juventus, for example, and Mario Gómez of Bayern Munich – however, it seems his most likely choice will not be Cole but rather Emmanuel Adebayor, who will be allowed to leave Manchester City if Fernando Torres or Mario Balotelli joins.

City, of course, will be doing plenty of trading over the coming weeks. Their latest scheme for prising James Milner from Aston Villa involves offering £24m plus Stephen Ireland, Shaun Wright-Phillips, Roberto Mancini's redundant scarf and a bank to which Martin O'Neill can laugh all the way.

Meanwhile, back at Real, Mourinho will help fund his move for Adebayor by flogging Rafael van der Vaart to Chelsea.

And meanwhile back at Liverpool, Hodgson may or may not be scoffing at that Cole and Doyle talk while preparing a spot in his dressing room for the Mexican left-back Carlos Salcido, who is currently with PSV.

West Ham, as previously disclosed, are preparing a spot for David Beckham and Juventus and Roma both reckon that that means Valon Behrami must be available.

Mido is also available as Gordon Strachan does not want him at Middlesbrough because Celtic is not one of the many clubs at which he has started promisingly before fizzling and, indeed, filling out. So Martin Jol will take the Egyptian to Ajax.

If the Mill were to tell you that John Utaka earns £80,000 per week at Portsmouth you might counter that that is an embarrassing misuse of the word 'earn'. But Sunderland and Bolton might not, for they are currently bickering over the privilege of paying his wages for next season.

Finally, Osasuna want Manuel Almunia. And there was you thinking no one did.