Listening to hockey means improving lifeskills

Not that I mind hearing reports about kids who watch R-rated movies have a much better chance to be smokers.

That information is very useful to point out to my students, most of whom find “Chucky VII — the Doll Goes Nuts” light entertainment before they light up.

However, I tune in to listen to Rampage hockey and whomever is packing the Rampage broadcasts with these Consumer Report, um, reports, PLEASE KNOCK IT OFF!

It’s ok to listen to those things in the midst of a newscast.

It’s ok to program those things during the broadcast day.

But for the love of Jacques Plante — stop assaulting my ears with “how-to-it’s” and “driving with the windows down causes wind resistance and ultimately uses more gas than using the air conditioner.” (I made that up, but it makes some degree of sense, eh?).

Please — Stop!

Since I’m a practicing Mormon, I love hearing the really good public service messages from LDS Family Services, but those are non-traditional messages for hockey games.

I wouldn’t mind even hearing that Coke spot where the whales turn on the divers, “the whale is very angry…” that was cute the first 1,000 times we heard it last season.

It’s obvious that radio avails are not selling well when over half the inventory is public service spots or mini-infomercials.

But the radio buy could include giving a bonus to your other paying customers. Odd, but Christus Santa Rosa sponsors the intermission reports, but you never hear a commercial!!! The only way a listener knows that wonderful hospital has anything to do with the intermission is because of a 10-second liner? That’s all they get for their money?

Sales person: Yeah, it’s a great deal…you gives us all this money, and we give you 10 seconds twice a night.

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about.

Spot break after tonight’s first period — LDS Services, followed by a reader on SA Rampage.com — followed after the scoring update, we got a “Feed the Pig.org” and then a real zippy Consumer Reports, um, report, on whether or not homemade gravy is better than canned or storebought. Did you know that some gravy’s are gelotinus? Is that even a word? And I swear to all things Heloise those Consumer Reports,um, reports, are more than 60 seconds. Stop — please, I beg you.

Then, the weather update — two Ticket promos (as if we didn’t know you get sports on the Ticket760). Then a “what’s it mean to be a dad” spot from, you guessed it, LDS Services. Is there a closet Mormon in the Rampage office I don’t know about?

Then, I got to listen to Hale Irwin tell me about frequent urination. What a blessing this job is in improving my life!

Then, after a quick parent club update — finally, cha-ching, the sound of $$$ hitting the pocket as we got a Security Service spot, followed by a Boston’s Pizza commercial! Comfort Suites — which is most likely a trade as the official team hotel, which means they then give visiting teams a break on their room bills.

Next, a Flemings steak spot — nice! And a Chad Kolarik bumper, twice.

Hey, I’m actually feeling like this is a hockey game, not a Saturday morning garden show.

I actually thanked the commerical deity!

And how many times to we have to hear the Tony Bruno Ticket760 promo about the Washington Redskins and the Supreme Court!!!!!! Arrrggghhhhh!!!! And I really like Bruno — but listening to this hockey broadcast — “It’s an outrage!”

Unlike the first seven years, broadcaster Dan Weiss goes over the out-of-town scoreboard, instead of the broadcast studio producer. Last season was a disaster listening to the young intern struggle his way through the scores, so perhaps it not a bad idea having the pro do it. But Weiss’ break time is reduced by 100 percent as he was able to stretch hockey info throughout the intermission without a taped segment!

One of the reasons I had 3-4 minute between period interviews was to help listeners get to know their favorite players, but those also provided quick relief — kinda what Hale Irwin was talking about above.

DANGER-DANGER-WILL ROBINSON–MAJOR TANGENT APPROACHING

Which brings up a radio insider for you… When I worked at KONO back in the 90′s as Tony McGregor (from the sporting goods company), it was tough getting in “Irwin time” with oldies, since most songs were 2-3 minutes and the mad dash, even for a typically physically-challenged DJ, to the hallway destination was out of the question. So, anytime I could slip in Kansas’, “Carry On My Wayward Son” (5:55) or Diana Ross’ “Ain’t No Mountain” (6:42), I was on my way out the door.

So the next time you hear the extended version of “American Pie” or “Light My Fire,” you have a pretty good idea where your favorite DJ is located. No need to thank me… a great public service provided by yours truly.

Kinda like the excellent public service we can tune into during each Rampage broadcast!

Good to See

Although the Rampage were well on their way to their seventh straight game without a win with some awful, undisciplined hockey in Houston, former Rampage defenseman David Schlemko is taking advantage of his promotion.

Schlemko picked up an assist, his second NHL point, on Scottie Upshall’s goal in the Coyotes’ 3-1 win over the Chicago Blackhawks Thursday night.

Things getting worse for Rampage — they would have a two-man advantage to begin the second period, get no shots on goal and to make matters worse, they allow a shorthanded goal to Houston.

The Aeros hadn’t scored a power play goal in their last 10 games before tipping one in against the Rampage.

Rampage outshot 12-4 in the first period. Can you spell U-G-L-Y?

Power play is now 0-23 since they scored four in six tries in their last win. Hmmm, coincidence?

Well, it is November.

Here they go again

Another 38 second goal span for two Rampage goals this time from Jeff May and Brett MacLean… can someone please score a meaningless goal close to, but not next to, a teammate’s marker?

As it turned out, that was the only 38 seconds the Rampage decided to play tonight.

The Texas Stars are not playing like an expansion team. They lead the West Division with a 10-2-0-2 record.

And don’t look now, but the AHL doormat the last two years, the Rochester Americans, are 11-1-1-0, the best record in the league. Amerks fans haven’t bought into the team’s winning ways, however, averaging just over 3,200 a game thus far.

The key to the improvement? Great goaltending… something the Rampage are lacking right now.

Writing and listening to the broadcast and now — Prius’s… that’s what Consumer Reports is talking about right now – GOOD GRIEF THIS ISN’T NPR!!!!!! IT’S A HOCKEY GAME!!!!!!

I’d even take a Chuck Yucknutz spot, that strange eye glasses guy (Air Force retired — like by telling me that I’m going to run over and buy my glasses from the guy–) than listen to one more Consumer Reports, er, report!!!! Please, dear lord, there are 32 more broadcasts to listen to!!!!! I’m actually praying during a hockey game!!!!

Don’t get me wrong — I really like Dan Weiss’ call of the game… just the production is on life support and really haywire this season in my opinion.

P.S. Perhaps Josh Tordjman will see a puck flyby into his net without directly coming off one of his teammate’s stick! The Houston first goal came off another deflection, the fifth goal that has been tipped, chipped or passed directly off Tordjman into the net.