Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Confused and Crying

Anyone who knows me or has read any of my venting blog entries about marriage knows that Josh and I have had a pretty rough go of it the three years we have been married. Sometimes I feel like a lot of the love that was there in the beginning isn't there anymore. It's dead. It isn't good when sometimes all you want to do is stick your nose so far into the book you are reading hoping that he will just go to sleep and ignore you instead of wanting to talk or cuddle...and I love to cuddle so that is saying a lot. A marriage shouldn't be like that, and yet here it is. He has asked me numerous times if I still want to be with him and I always say yes just so the conversation will end...but the truth is, I'm not really sure.

I know that God hates divorce and that the only reasonable (Biblical) ground for divorce is adultery, but what if the love just isn't there anymore. Do I love him? Yes. But I know I don't love him like I used to. I feel like I have to stay with him because I made him quit drinking if he wanted us to stay...and I'm pretty sure that if we didn't make it, he would probably start drinking again...but that isn't enough reason to be with someone.

I'm so confused. We stay mad at each other more than we are happy with one another. It definitely gets more complicated since we have Gabriel...and I have said more than once that if we didn't have Gabriel, I know for a fact that we wouldn't still be together...so does that mean that I am only with him because we have a child together?

Ugh! I am just so stupid! Why on EARTH did I get married when I was 18? No one knows what they really want when they are 18! Of course, I have grown up more in the last 3 years that I ever thought possible (mostly due to becoming a mommy), but I was just an ignorant 18 year old then. A stupid teenager that made two of the biggest decisions of their entire lives a month apart (that would be getting married and then getting pregnant) and then thought..."Oh my gosh, what have I gotten myself into?"...but it was too late.

My thoughts are all scattered. I wish someone could sweep in with a magic wand and make everything better. Make all of the decisions for me. And help me make up my mind about what I really want to do with my marriage...

5 comments:

Ah girl, I hate that you're struggling with this. :( First, remember that even though you feel that you made two mistakes...at least you have Gabriel out of it!!I'll be praying that God gives you the guidance that you need in these next days.Let me know if you need to talk. :)

Honey I love you sooo much! I know exactly how you feel and I am so thankful that I don't feel like that anymore. I will keep you in my prayers that something for you will change whether it be in one direction or the other. I'm always here for you! <3

Oh I definitely don't regret having Gabriel. I was just stupid to have a baby so young and also so soon after Josh and I had gotten married. I'm still not sure if I regret getting married...and thank you! :)

I love you too, Ally!! Thanks! I know you are! And I am so glad things are working out for you and your family! :)

Ive been there so many times. We have really great days, and then really bad days. We just have so much going on with ourselves that we dont spend a lot of time on each other anymore. Lately I have been wondering why we even got married in the first place... we really dont have anything in common. We dont have anything we enjoy doing together. We sit on different couches on opposite sides of the room with our noses buried in our laptops all afternoon. We need intimacy. We actually want to try doing the "30 days of sex" challenge... not that sex cures a marriage, but it forces the deepest level of intimacy and will hopefully reconnect all levels of intimacy. I am also doing the "Love Dare", he doesnt know I am reading through it right now and doing the daily practices. But I do think it is helping. It is forcing me to bite my tongue and be more patient. I would definitely suggest doing the "Love Dare" before making any final marriage decisions. I'm only on day 5 and I see progress. I mean it's not like a light switch or anything... but it is amazing that a change in your reaction to a situation changes their reaction too.

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About Me

My son is the most important thing in my life. I'm a bookworm. I love my animals: my boxer Toby, my great dane Apollo, and my kitty Leo. I fancy myself a writer even if I am a novice. I hope to work my way up to being a scuba diving instructor. It isn't my dream job, but it is very close!