KNOW YOUR OPPONENT – THE 2014 USA OLYMPIC HOCKEY TEAM

Everyone knows I absolutely love finding and exploiting pictures of hockey players at their absolute worst. Whether it’s drunk pictures, semi-naked pictures, or the always popular awkward high school/college photos, nothing gives me more joy than bringing those gems to you. Well sometimes those gems just fall into my lap, and when they do I get the privilege of not only sharing them, but ripping them apart. That opportunity was given to me by USA Hockey, and from the bottom of my heart, I thank you. While I can’t go through all the pictures (there’s a lot), I’ll bring you some of the highlights for me. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring you the best part of my summer so far, the Team USA glamour shots.

Simmer down, Dustin. Can you believe this is our captain?

Now before we get into the absolute debacle, let’s start with some of the guys who actually came out looking half decent…

The Good (At least semi-decent)

Congrats on your face, Craig Smith!

You might be the only one who came out looking like an actual human being, you should be proud of that.

Good job, Beau Bennett, good job indeed.

Raise your hand if you though JVR would have a decent glamour shot?

PUT YOUR HANDS DOWN YOU FILTHY LIARS!

When JVR is one of the decent ones, you know it can only go downhill from here.

I would say that having that face is the worst thing that Phil Kessel has to deal with on a daily basis, but he also has to play for the Toronto Maple Leafs.

One Girl One Puck is The Royal Half’s resident creeper. Her amazing posts, “Know Your Opponent“, have become a fan “favorite”. If any hockey player did anything stupid at any point of their life, and if someone was kind enough to take a picture, there’s a 100% chance she will put it in a post. She has been a Kings fan for over 15 years, even through the years when Jere Karalahti played “defense”.One Girl One Puck is also the co-founder of the hugely popular Tumblr page "Drew Doughty in Blue Jays Hats." It's exactly what you think it is. If you enjoy pointless posts about hockey players butts, she’s your girl!You can follow One Girl, One Puck on Twitter @OneGirlOnePuck.

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I don’t think they’re frosted tips on Kaner. I think they are hair plugs taken from his laberdoodle!

shiny

Ahhhhhh I’m going to have nightmares about some of these. The Quick ones are terrifying… And this photographer sucks almost as much as those jerseys, holy crap. About 90% of these pictures are “I have no idea why I’m here” and the others are either trying to seduce or kill (like the angry/sexy Quick one above. Note: I do not think he’s sexy. I think he thinks he’s trying to be sexy).

This is also an excellent reminder why hockey players are so much hotter with their helmets ON. It masks some of the things that are scary. Though, not even a goalie mask can hide Phil Kessel’s face