Anything for a gawking, barely-coherent fanboy I've known for thirty seconds. Here, I'll have Gertrude Stein critique it for you, that won't be a massive waste of her time or anything. Gertrude?

KATHY BATES

Okay, let's have a look. "Once upon a time-"

MARION COTILLARD

Wow, it's brilliant! I'm so hot for you right now, Owen.

OWEN WILSON

So, every person I speak to is insanely famous, they all love me at first sight, and a super-hot French chick suddenly wants to do me. I take it I've gone not to the real 1920s Paris, but instead slipped into the idealised picture-book version which exists only in my own head? How metaphysical.

MARION COTILLARD

No, it later gets confirmed you literally time travelled back to the actual 1920s.

OWEN WILSON

Ah. So, just contrived wish-fulfillment bullshit, then. Well, as long as we're being contrived, I might as well return to the present and find your seventy-five-year-old diary at some random street stall.

He DOES THAT. Also an incredibly attractive stranger agrees to sit down translate it for him, because at this point FUCK IT WHY NOT.

CARLA BRUNI

"Dear Diary, even I have to point out how head-scratchingly bizarre it is that I'm ditching virile geniuses like Hemingway and Picasso for a touristy dweeb like Owen Wilson."

OWEN WILSON

Wow, my name really is in there! Apparently I didn't even scan the text to see if I showed up. Weird.

CARLA BRUNI

"P.S., I'd totally have sex with Owen if he gave me some earrings." Well, should I keep reading, giving you a unique opportunity to learn about your own future?

OWEN WILSON

Nah, we're not going to explore that. Instead I'm going to use information from Marion's private diary to manipulate her into sleeping with me, because apparently I'm a fucking monster.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

OWEN WILSON

Whoops, I forgot to get those earrings for Marion! Considering the entire plan was "get Marion earrings", it would seem I'm also a fucking moron. I could leave it til next time, but as a monster/moron, I might as well just steal some earrings from Rachel.

He does, but she immediately gets home and discovers the earrings missing. Time for HIJINKS!

RACHEL MCADAMS

I shall call the hotel detective!

OWEN WILSON

Wait, uh, here they are.

RACHEL MCADAMS

Oh. Never mind then.

OWEN WILSON

Welp, that was certainly worth our time. Now onwards to infidelity!

EXT. STREET

MARION COTILLARD

Wow, earrings! Just like from my private thoughts! I'm so in the mood to - OH LOOK A HORSE AND CARRIAGE LET'S DO THAT INSTEAD!

OWEN WILSON

Aw, what the hell, unexplained time travel? I thought you were my bro! Not cool!

They take the cockblock express back to the 1890s.

MARION COTILLARD

Gee, we went back in time. Whattayaknow.

OWEN WILSON

Jesus, Marion. I know "low-key" is kind of your thing, but at least cock a fucking eyebrow or something.

They proceed to, of course, run into a bunch of super-famous dudes. At least these ones are actually French.

MARION COTILLARD

Hey, I just got offered a job making costumes for the ballet after three minutes of conversation! I guess time travellers can just have whatever the hell they want, huh? Anyway, I'm staying in the 1890s!

OWEN WILSON

You have no choice, you automatically get sent home at dawn...would be a reasonable thing for me to point out right now. Instead I'll just explain this epiphany I just had: you can't fantasise about some nonexistent perfect time and place, it's just a way to escape reality.

MARION COTILLARD

...Oh, that's it? Um. Michael Sheen said exactly that in the first ten minutes of the movie. This is really your big character-changing discovery?

OWEN WILSON

Yup.

(pause)

This is the dramatic climax of the film, by the way.

Owen goes home, breaks up with his fiancee and decides to stay in Paris, meaning that now he actually has a more established life in the twenties than modern day, but whatever.

OWEN WILSON

So that about wraps it up for Woody Allen's Lost Generation fanfic. Sure it was trivial and went nowhere, but at least it contained a valid moral: you have to live in the real world, not some daydream fantasy.

HOT YOUNG FRENCH CHICK

Hi Owen, you're a Cole Porter fan so I love you! Want to go for a stroll in the Parisian rain?

OWEN WILSON

DO I!

They fly away on a unicorn while the film's message sobs quietly in a corner.

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The Editing Room has been around since 1998 and features over 900 Abridged Scripts for movies. Abridged Scripts are short(-ish) screenplays for films that just cover the highlights - think of them as Cliff's Notes for your favorite movies, except Cliff is an asshole and thinks your favorite movie sucks.