On
more than one occasion I’ve been grabbed by the hair and pulled
up for a big post-cunnilingus kiss, but my face is dripping
wet and I feel uncomfortable just laying a sloppy one on the
girl without first wiping my face off on the sheet. Nothing
was said by the girls, but I felt a little guilty. I had a
girlfriend who would rush off and brush her teeth after giving
head and it really bothered me. She was disgusted by my come.
I’m not disgusted by pussy juice, I just want to keep things
neat. Any thoughts?

—Drippy
Really Isn’t Polite

Go
with the flow, DRIP. (Sorry about that.) When a woman calls
a halt to the cunnilingus and pulls your sopping wet face
up to her own for a kiss, she’s engaging in what Dr. Phil
might call “nonverbal communication.” She knows your face
is wet, right? And since she’s pulling your face up to her
own, what do you think she’s trying to tell you? She’s telling
you that she desperately wants you to lay a big, sloppy, juicy,
goopy, drippy and, in my personal opinion, completely disgusting
post-cunnilingus kiss on her. Since you’re only doing what
she wants, there’s nothing to feel guilty about.

In cases where the woman isn’t directing the action—when you’re
the one who decides it’s time to take a cunnilingus break—then
you should pause for a quick wipe on your way up. But instead
of picking up the sheet and wiping your face, I would advise
you to quickly pass a hand over your cheeks, mouth and jaw,
collecting as much of the excess moisture as you can. Then
set your hand down on the sheet. Don’t wipe, DRIP, just let
the sheet absorb what it can. That way you’ll be nice and
neat and not too damp, and the girl you’re eating out won’t
get the impression that you think a face or hand full of pussy
juice is disgusting, which of course it isn’t. Or so I’m told.

About a month into our relationship, my (now ex) boyfriend
and I were having sex on the tail end of my period. Well,
my boy freaked when he saw blood on his dick and immediately
went to the sink to wash it off. Diseased blood can be a dangerous
substance, but we had both been tested for everything. I have
tolerated his cum on my legs, pubes, stomach and face, as
well as in my hair and in my body, and I don’t think it was
right for him to act so disgusted by my bodily fluids. Hello,
it happens to all girls! Some guys even like sex during a
girl’s period! (I learned that from you, Dan!) So what gives?
Who’s the bitch?

—The
Crimson Lover

He’s
the bitch—definitely, no question, without a doubt.

However, if he was relatively inexperienced, you might have
cut your ex a bit of slack. While periods are normal and natural
and healthy, and while a woman who’s sexually active has seen
blood on her genitals before, a bloody cock is not normal,
natural, or necessarily healthy. If this was the first time
your (now ex) boyfriend encountered blood during sex, it’s
understandable that he might freak out. If you patiently explained
to him that anyone who loves pussy is occasionally going to
come into contact with blood, just as anyone who loves cock
is going to come into contact with come, and he was still
freaked out, well, then you were right to kick his squeamish
ass to the curb.

I’m a 16-year-old male writing because of an uncomfortable
situation with my father. I’ve known for a while that he looks
at porn on the computer. I know that he is entitled to do
whatever he wants with himself, but I can’t help it that this
makes me feel kind of disgusted. I don’t know what to do.
Please help!!

—My
Dad Is a Pervert

Your
dad has a right to a private life, MDIAP, and that includes
a private fantasy life. It’s none of your fucking business
what your father does on his computer. (If your dad was writing
to an advice columnist, he might sign his letter, “My Son
Is a Self-Righteous Prick Who Should Learn to Mind His Own
Business.”) If the porn thing bothers your mom, that’s an
issue for your mom and dad to work out.

Just between you and me, MDIAP, all men look at porn, which
means that one day you’ll be looking at porn. Shit, I was
looking at porn when your letter popped up in my inbox. You’re
a 16-year-old male: In your heart of hearts, you want to look
at porn. I suspect your “disgust” with your father is an expression
of your discomfort with your own desire to look at porn and,
what’s more, your disgust may be tinged by envy. (Your dad
is doing something you want but won’t allow yourself to do.)
Your conflict and your envy are your problems, MDIAP, not
your father’s.

In response to any readers who were irritated by your being
too hard on Disabled Dilemma—the man whose friend got on his
motorcycle drunk and wound up losing a leg and a chunk of
his brain—I have to say that I was irritated because I thought
you were being way too easy on the guy.

Look at it this way, Dan: Disabled man wants pussy. He doesn’t
apparently want a relationship, just pussy. He also doesn’t
want to or can’t pay for it. So his friend makes an appeal
to the women of the world: Who wants to give my friend free
pussy? He’s not good-looking, but hey, you can see beyond
that, right, because you’re a good person! There’s no mention
of this guy’s compensating virtues, other than that he won’t
dump you because he can’t do any better. So even the traditional
defense—“He’s a really nice person with lots of good qualities!”—wasn’t
trotted out.

Implicit message: Men want pussy and they deserve it, whether
they have any good qualities or not; women, on the other hand,
should be good, unselfish people who look beyond the merely
physical and should seek out people who need pussy and give
it to them. Frankly, Dan, I thought you should have ripped
Disabled Dilemma a few new ones

—Irritable in Pittsburgh

As
a disabled guy, I have to applaud your response to “Disabled
Dilemma.” You were just as harsh to him as you were to every
other person who writes in. Kudos to you for treating us crips
like everyone else in the world. I have to say that your advice
was wrong, however. That guy doesn’t need to get used to being
alone, or paying a hooker. Plenty of us crips find people
perfectly willing to give it away for free (my boyfriend,
for example). In fact, most of the disabled folks I know are
sexually active.

—Just
Another Queer Crip

Concerning
disabled love, I’m surprised you didn’t mention the rare and
little discussed fetish for the disabled. It does exist. A
friend employed in health care (what else?) has long fantasized
about partially paralyzed people. Maybe it’s true—there really
is someone for everyone.