"OM, man!" - The UK Singles Chart Top Twenty 30th of March

“I really loved your
chart rundown”

For years I have thanklessly coughed my deeply-held love of
alternative music onto the internet, we’ve had two WORLD SCOOPS in the form of
our reviews of OM’s Advaitic Songs and most recently the Body’s spectacular I
Shall Die Here. We’ve talked with love, and warmth, about all manner of things
for ages, and it turns out what I should have been doing all along is kicking
the shit out of some defenceless chart music. Yes, that utterly unprovoked
mauling given to the British chart last week netted me far more attention and
hits than anything else we’ve ever done. So, never one to miss an opportunity
for a quick buck, I’m doing it again. Several people requested that I do this
monthly or weekly, so blame them. For the record, this feels like bullying,
like going into the cancer ward at a children’s hospital and challenging them
to a pressup contest. In the interests of making the world an improved place, I
would like to direct you, if you don’t go anyway, to Anthony Fantano and the
Needle Drop, who would never lower himself to this sort of cheapness, unlike
me. Well fine, like an unlicensed doctor, we’re churning out another abortion.

Only things that are new to the top twenty will be getting
meaninglessly insulted, because fuck listening to all that guff again, fuck it
right in the bowels.

#20 Coldplay– Magic

Is there anything left to say about Coldplay? I’m not going
to be horrible and make jokes about Chris Martin’s marriage because I can’t
even bring myself to do anything after listening to this utterly predictable
empty, vacuous miserable piece of shit. For the few minutes it was on I
genuinely thought I was experiencing brain death. If you’re some sort of high-minded
Jesus-freak and can’t bear the idea of evolution, perhaps you should listen to
Coldplay because this is the exact same hollow wank they were pushing on us ten
fucking years ago. Avoid like a badly made flavourless Quorn pie laced with brown
acid and Ebola.

#15 Chris Brown
featuring Lil Wayne – Loyal

Cunt the fuck off, Chris Brown, you miserable woman-beating
piece of shit. If I ever meet you I’m going to punch your face in until your
security pull me away. If I was a doctor I’d refuse to resuscitate you. I
hope the next woman you try to beat carries a gun and shoots you dead. As far
as I’m concerned you should have been sealed off in a medieval oubliette. The
people who forgave you for what you did on the grounds that you are “a good
dancer” ought to be fired out of a Nazi railway cannon into the upper
atmosphere. You are a cancer eating away at the heart of anything you touch,
Fuck You from the dregs of my soul. If you could even appropriate a bit of
decency by proxy you’d kill yourself, and the world will be a better place when you die.

Oh and by the way, you repellent little piece of filth, your
single is shit and your line “these hoes ain’t loyal” literally made me throw
up in my mouth a little.

#7 Martin Garrix and
Jay Hardway – Wizard

This is the sort of thing I imagine you like if you’re the
sort of cretin who doesn’t use punctuation in YouTube comments. I was wondering
when it was going to start, then it ended, and I wasn’t sad when it stopped.

#3 FAUL and Wad Ad
versus Pnau – Changes

Sadly not a cover of the only bad song from the first four
Sabbath albums, and with a band-name like a scrabble board falling down a
flight of stairs, I wasn’t reminded of anything musical but rather those awful
massive sugary Starbucks drinks they try to push on us to make us fatter and
slowly turn us all into Americans. It’s frothy, light, will remind you of
infinitely better things, and will generally just loll about on your sofa for
five minutes taking up space before disgusting everyone at the party with a
huge belch and buggering off somewhere else.

#1 5 Seconds of
Summer – She Looks So Perfect

Not that I want to get a reputation as an unpleasable pedant
(I would very much like that), but my AP style guide insists that numbers one
to ten be written as words (I would also argue for eleven and twelve because
aren’t they just nice words?), well anyway, your name is a typo. Also your song
title objectifies women so well done, if there was a scorecard, I haven’t even
heard your song and already I’m readying my big red teacher’s pen to write “very
poor, see me”.

Also you lose at least another one point because every
member of the band looks young enough to have gnawed through their own umbilical
cord before each chorus. I thought this kind of trad-rock bollocks went out
with McFly. Plastic GAP model rejects who look so self-obsessed they probably
shout their own names at the moment of orgasm with stupid hair and song lyrics
cribbed from the diary entries of a Ritalin-addled fourteen year old girl. I suppose
they look like “boys next door” if you live next door to a stage school; but
their preachy boring boorish misogynist commercialist trash is so utterly perfunctory
that even their manager probably refers to them as “what’s his name?” I’m
grateful I’ll have forgotten them five seconds after I finish typing this
sentence.

Having graphed the trends in the taste of people who buy
chart music, I suspect next week’s chart rundown will probably consist of low
sobbing followed by a gunshot.

To make me feel less suicidal, here's that FIDLAR video with Ron Swanson doing a piss. We can all watch it together and have a good old laugh.

I always enjoy a challenge. Writing this blog, for example, is quite a challenge because unlike Steve I have practically no experience doing...

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