Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Republicans Express Longing for Clinton’s Penis

WASHINGTON, DC—After watching President Bush's approval ratings take a dramatic dip in the wake of the problematic response to Hurricane Katrina, some Republicans are expressing wistfulness over a prominent member of the opposing party.

“Gosh, what I wouldn’t give to have 'Bill Clinton’s penis' coming out of my mouth,” said Ken Mehlman, chairman of the Republican National Committee. “I wish I was listening to some poor woman describe its shape as the President advanced on her, or discussing what shot out of it onto an intern’s dress. Anything related to his phallus would be music to my ears.”

“No matter what was being talked about, no matter what was happening in the country, you could change the subject with Clinton’s penis,” said Dr. Bill Frist, the Republican Senate Majority Leader. “It was like a magic wand. After what’s happened to President Bush over the Katrina disaster, I wish I could wave Clinton’s penis all over the airwaves right now.”

The genitals of the forty-second president regularly sprang from the headlines during the 1990s. From the pre-election leaking of the Gennifer Flowers scandal, to the up-and-down proceedings of the Paula Jones harassment suit, to the ultimate climax with the Monica Lewinsky imbroglio, Clinton’s penis seemed constantly in the face of the American public.

“It was an exciting time for me,” said Fox News analyst Sean Hannity. “We would spend hours in the production meeting talking about how we were going to handle Clinton’s penis. This is funny, but I really miss it.”

Such a reversal of emotions—from disgust and hatred to longing and desire—are not surprising, says Dr. Melvin Myron, professor of political science at Johns Hopkins University and author of Hard Target: How Clinton’s Penis Ravaged the GOP. “Bill Clinton’s genitals represent a seminal moment for Republicans. Their political fortunes rose with it. They were able to blame everything on it. But once Clinton pulled out of Washington, the Republicans were left with a huge mess on their hands. They discovered that they had, in fact, become Clinton’s penis.”

Post-Clinton, the GOP attempted to make a transition to another prominent Democrat’s genitals. “Ted Kennedy’s have been pretty well used up,” said Mehlman, “and Lieberman’s are too clean cut.” Mehlman adds that the Republicans tried switching genders by targeting California Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi, but had very little success with their “Pelosi’s Vagina” campaign.

Still, despite the headaches that have followed their insertion into the White House, Republicans remain hopeful that a new Democratic penis can be found. “We’re already gearing up for Hillary in 2008,” says Melhman. “We’ve started our focus groups on the ‘Clintoris.’ But really, we’re hoping the Democrats nominate a penis we can all get behind.”