Slabovia (also known as The United Slabovian Empire) is an unrecognized micronation founded (retroactively) by George Bragg, Patrick Goddard, Rankin MacGillivray, and David Yarker in the mid 1980's. Its origins can be traced to those ridiculous questions that teachers used to ask in early high school, like "an apple costs $3.50 in Outer Slabovia where the tax rate is 21%. What is the total tax payable on a baker's dozen of apples?" By grade 11 the founders had figured out that there was no Slabovia and set about creating one so that such questions could be contested (which never actually worked).

History

Slabovia's history is divided into six notable periods.

The Colonial Days

1984 to 1988 were the formative years for Slabovia. Not yet large enough or organized enough to be a nation, it was felt that "colony" was a more appropriate and descriptive term. It is not known what government the Slabovian Colony was a colony of though. Under the leadership of Governor Tom St. John, the government enjoyed a policy of blissful unawareness. The colony was effectively lawless, with each and every citizen following the example set by the Governor. Taxes were far in excess of 21%, with the idiot tax being the most lucrative of the numerous types and layers of taxes imposed by the soon-to-be billionaire Governor.
Eventually, there was a llama uprising and Governor St. John disappeared.

The BBS Period

In January 1989, Slabovia was already in the middle of a civil war, as General Evad Rekray led the Upper Slabovian Army through Middle Slabovia, only to be slaughtered by the Socialist Front Liberation Army of Lower Slabovia. Middle Slabovia subsequently went missing when a nucular toaster was left plugged in overnight. Outer Middle Slabovia had already been overrun by the llama rebels.

At this point, the leadership of Slabovia consisted of the King (father of Moneca Blackwell, d. early February 1989 under mysterious circumstances), George C. Bragg (head of state and commander of Llama-Be-Gone Elite Forces), and Queen Moneca I (crowned March 4, 1989 after the February 29 Massacre). The coronation of Moneca established the capital at Byetown. However, Slabovia remained a hodgepodge of kingdoms, principalities, and other, lesser, territories all vying for control.

FOOLS

In July, 1989, Moneca dispatched Bragg, MacGillivray, and recent recruit to the Combined Forces of the United Slabovian Empire Patrick T. Goddard, to Byetown to establish the Force of Occupation LeBreton Street (FOOLS). On August 1, 1989, Slabovia declared Bore - and put three of its most valuable officers on the case to secure a general headquarters for the purpose of waging Bore. This also ensured one simple target for Slabovia’s enemies - who turned out to be basically whoever Bragg, MacGillivray, and Goddard determined them to be in the course of their Bore-related and Bore-unrelated activities.

In February 1990, Public Enemy #1 Doug Hewco claimed that Queen Moneca had been overthrown in exile. It was subsequently discovered that Jack “the Riper” Ryder had smuggled her out of the country. On February 15, 1990, Moneca was proclaimed Empress of the United Empire of Slabovia. Shortly thereafter, support grew for the cause of Queen Justine, whose claims to the throne were variously supported and opposed. Justine's whereabouts following her 19th birthday on March 2, 1990 are unknown. Moneca Blackwell again stepped up to the plate, this time as Slabovia's spiritual leader (in the absence of any other leadership) as High Priestess of the Twin Gods Evan and Wu, who were purported to have returned at that time, in fulfillment of prophesy.

Slabovian Historical Periods

The Poker Period

From 1992 to 1995, the Government (or at least several key government officials) used to convene weekly around a poker table. Drinks were consumed, clothes were shed, chairs were broken, and policy was enacted.

As World Bore One continued through early 1992, CICCFUSE determined that FOOLS was not fulfilling its requirements, and separated the CFUSE Operations Centre from it. MacGillivray was placed in command of Slabovian Queen’s Active Response Executive; Logistics, Analysis, Intelligence, Retroactive (SQUARE LAIR). In August 1992, Goddard was dispatched as a mole to Montsurreal.

Goddard and Commander Mike Dosenbach discovered in late February 1994 that Slabovia was a mere pawn in a cosmic Slabovian Rules Chess match between the actually benevolent Hoover Damites and the so-called Benevolent Alien Snail Overlords. This led to the signing of the Treaty of Michiganopolis and the formal end of World Bore One on August 1, 1994.

The Expeditionary Period

Beginning in 1995, Slabovia began to secretly restore its military and amass weapons and engines of bore under the leadership of her new supreme dictator Thomas St. John who took power by force from Dictator Rankin and Count George who had been appointed Joint Heads of State by Moneca Blackwell when she was exhiled in early 1995.

On November 2nd, 1996, Slabovia engaged in some very sensitive border negotiations with Beers over the Fritzi Line. Slabovia's negotiator, Patrick Goddard distracted Ambassador Seddon of Beers while the USMC (United Slabovian Maroon Corps) splattered Fritzi (the dog whose tail axis was used to define the borderline), thus resolving the issue once and for all. The fire hydrant on the Line remained Slabovian while the land, water, water table, and everything else below it to the earth’s core became Beers property.

Realizing that stability would be the undoing of Slabovia, Commander MacGillivray recommended in April, 1997, that the Treaty of Michiganopolis be unsigned.

The Purple Reign

Goddard further recommended at the second Regressional Convention in September 1998, that World Bore Two be declared. By this time, Dictator Tom St. John had once again plundered the nation's coffers and vanished without a trace along with his Second Banana (B-2) Jim Zinck and at that same Regressional Convention, on September 5, 1998, George C. Bragg was placed on the Porcelain Throne and sworn at as King. On December 11, 1999, King George and the crew of the USS Maltese Falcon delivered the now-unsigned Treaty to the ASOMS Michiganopolis, and World Bore Two was on. As nothing significant has been done about it since, the Global Bore in Error continues unabated.

In August of 2010, Liam the Terrible staged an unsuccessful coup during the fourth annual Regressional Convention in Byetown. King George was away on important state business at the time, and was unable to defend his crown. Liam held power for an entire minute before the nation, tired of his tyranny and desperate for anybody to unseat him, unanimously voted King Penny onto the throne.

In September of 2011, King Penny abdicated the throne to avoid a scandal. Her last Royal act was to declare King George II as her successor.

The Coronation of King George 2.0 marked the beginning of a period of enlightenment and awareness. A Gnu age.

Heads of State

Slabovia has a long and turbulent history of leadership. Many of the nation's leaders were placed in positions of power through revolution, counter-revolution, anti-counter-revolution and occassionally with the support of the Civil Service.

Slabovian Heads of State

Head of State

Title

From

To

Thomas St. John

Governor

1984

1988

Moneca Blackwell

Queen Moneca I

1988

1989

Justine Verneau

Queen Justine

1989

1989

Moneca Blackwell

High Priestess of Evan & Wu

1989

1989

Rankin MacGillivray

Dictator-Elect

1989

1989

Moneca Blackwell

Queen Moneca I

1989

1995

Rankin MacGillivray & George Bragg

Joint Heads of State

1995

1995

Thomas St. John Esq.

The Right Honourable and sometimes Right Despicable Presidente, Head Honcho, and Supreme Dictator (and Captain of the Tap Tango Team)

1995

5 Sep 1998

George Bragg

Llord of the Llamas, Pretender of the Faith, Guardian of the Answer, Protector of the Purple, Watcher of the Wave, Defender of the Domain, Minder of the Mindless, Pacifier of the Paeple, Leader of the Lemmings, Commander-in-chief, Wielder of the Mace, Recepter of the Scepter, Lord High Executioner, Trainer of the Seal, President of the Royal Executive Council, Governor of the Bank of Slabovia, Director of STINK TANK, Grand Master of Slabovian Rules Chess, Son of Heaven and All Around High Enchilada, King George

5 Sep 1998

1 Aug 2010

Liam Wall

The One-Minute Wonder

1 Aug 2010 23:17

1 Aug 2010 23:18

Penny Chamois

Her Right Royal Higness, and Sometimes Naughtily Behaved (who are we kidding just call me Sovrana Berlusconi), King Penny

1 Aug 2010

22 Sep 2011

George Bragg

Llord of the Llamas, Pretender of the Faith, Guardian of the Answer, Protector of the Purple, Watcher of the Wave, Defender of the Domain, Minder of the Mindless, Pacifier of the Paeple, Leader of the Lemmings, Commander-in-chief, Wielder of the Mace, Recepter of the Scepter, Lord High Executioner, Trainer of the Seal, Governor of the Bank of Slabovia, Director of STINK TANK, Grand Master of Slabovian Rules Chess, Son of Heaven and All Around High Enchilada, King George 2.0

22 Sep 2011

Present

Territory

The Llama Face on Mars

Slabovia exists in the hearts, minds and bodies of its noble and righteous citizens. The territory extends to any land or object, owned or rented, by a citizen of Slabovia for the duration of their use of said land or object, as well as any land which may be above a citizen after their passing to the next world. This territory is sacred and inviolable. It shall not be ceded, reduced or broken up. This territory is claimed, occupied and administered by right of history and shall never be abandoned.

The United Slabovian Empire shares borders with the Kingdom of Beers (Bud Weiser, King of Beers), and the Kingdom of Pain.

Government

The United Empire of Slabovia is ruled with a velvet glove in an iron fist by a constitutional military dictatorship. However, this Government would be entirely functional if it weren't for Slabovia's inept, inefficient, and officiously bureaucratic Civil Service.

The reigning monarch appoints appropriate nobles, and in some cases ordinary (or extraordinary) citizens, to preside over the various government portfolios. These positions are invested with the power of the crown within the parameters of the particular portfolio. (see Government)

The Slabovian Civil Service, led by Lord Yarker, is a very inbred bureaucracy consisting of 1,764 departments. Policies and practices of the Civil Service are rather Vogonesque in nature (minus the poetry). The Civil Service is the true broker of all power in Slabovia.

The Regressional Convention

Slabovia's annual Regressional Conventions are held by unpopular demand every so often.

RegCon I was conducted without the knowledge of its participants from August 10-29, 1990, at FOOLS. The FOOLS crew conducted tests of anti-bat readiness and patrol ship personnel carrying capacity; they also explored the receptivity of Slabovian civilian personnel to marionettes in positions of authority. They conducted global domination scenarios and, under the leadership of the Hammer of Poughkeepsie, alien counter-invasion training. This, however, resulted in the destruction of the last remaining Turtle Patrol pilot, who was buried at as close to sea as was possible under the circumstances. It also resulted in Bragg musing about the eventual possible creation of “Space Maroons”.

RegCon II was held in Byetown on the occasion of Count George C. Bragg's ascension to the Porcelain Throne of Slabovia.

RegCon III was held in Llamatown on December 30, 2000, and resulted in the creation of the Constitution of the United Empire of Slabovia.

RegCon IV was held in Byetown in August of 2010, and saw the ascension of King Penny to the throne as a preventive measure (to ensure that Liam Wall did not steal the throne) as King George I was not available to defend his crown.

RegCon V was held in Blandford in May of 2014. King George II's swearing at ceremony was conducted during RegCon V, confirming him as King after King Penny's abdication.

The Llama and Slabovia

Llama Basics

The llama is the historical enemy of Slabovia. In mid-1988, llamas rebellious to the throne took over Outer Middle Slabovia. King George I began his career as a Llama Bounty Hunter and later declared his loyalty to the King, whereupon his ragtag forces became the Llama-Be-Gone Elite Forces. Until the 1989 Revolution, Tony Metz and James Farrow were thick as thieves on the side of the llamas, Tony Metz soon betrayed them; Farrow declared himself Supreme Commander, Allied Llama Forces in Slabovia, but soon met his fate when Moneca eliminated the entire llama rebellion.

Today, the llama is treated much like the Hindu cow, and llamas live harmoniously (for the most part) amongst the paeple. In fact, the Navey now puts its officers through Llama Sensitivity Training (Llama 101) with Harold Burgin, Slabovia's legendary Llama Whisperer at Green Arbour Farm.

Harold the Llama Whisperer

Crew of USS King Penny undergoing Llama Sensitivity Training

Lt. MacGillivray sees eye-to-eye with a llama

Education

There is no primary or secondary education available in Slabovia. All ages are encouraged to pay fees to attend the University of Slabovia (“Education, at a Cost”), which offers several 42-year Bachelor's programs, including:

Military

Given that Slabovia is a land-locked nation, the only armed force required is that of a Navey (sic). The Navey of the United Slabovian Empire (NoUSE) has a long and embarrassing tradition of sailing land yachts in defence of the realm. (Read Histories of Prominent Navey Personnel here)

In keeping with Slabovia’s standards of inefficiency and chaos, the Navey has opted to disregard the typical navel rank structure, going only with officers (no enlisted men) to ensure a top-heavy environment. Trusting that the Slabovian High Command is issuing directives that meet the Nation’s standards of inefficiency, the Navey seeks to carry out these missions as efficiently as possible to ensure maximum inefficiency in the big picture (as inefficiency on a small scale, may actually serve to reduce the inefficiency of the master plan). IE maximum success of the already inherently inefficient plan.

The Navey is guided by the Planning Institute of the Navey. This institute is headed by three officers (PINHEADS) appointed by the Lord High Admiral. Its purpose is to advise the Lord High Admiral on all matters relating to Navel policies and activities. In practice, the Lord High Admiral very rarely disregards or goes against the advice of the PINHEADS.

The Slabovian Fleet is made up of ten types (categories) of ships, subdivided by class, arranged in two primary fleets: The Incontinental Fleet under the command of CINCINC, and the Specific Fleet under the command of CINCSPEC. Slabovia's Space Forces are grouped in the BARFLEET (Bragg's Artemis Resources Fleet) under the command of BARFCINC.

For especially messy wetwork, the United Slabovian Maroon Corps is employed.

Slabovia's Civil Service has recently adopted a new "access to information" policy and has declassified many of the Navey's Mission reports.

STATE OF BOREIt would seem that Slabovia is perpetually in a state of bore. At present, on two fronts (or backs, or sides, or whatever). For years, Slabovia has been allied with the Coca-Cola company in the Cola Wars, bringing the battle directly to the caramel-sweet hordes - those who march under the red, white, and blue swirl of evil. Simultaneously, with her military resources divided, Slabovia continues the hopeless battle against the invading ASOs (Alien Snail Overlords) while the rest of the world denies their very existence. Oh, and then there is the Bore on Error. 'Nuff said.

Economy

Until 1989, the killing of llamas dominated the Slabovian economy. Enterprises like Paul Quinn International (Llama) Exterminators, the Llama Skins Recycling Corp., the Society for the Extermination of Llamas, Llama Self-Defence (LSD) Inc., and Llama Handguns Inc. thrived.

However, after the 1989 Revolution, the entire Slabovian economy was handed over to C.E.O'Donald. O'Donalds quickly supplanted all other business in order to fuel Slabovians' unending appetite for all things llama.

Slabovia's financial matters are controlled by the First National Bank of Slabovia. Mutual of Slabovia is the state-run insurance company. And SLABEX is the state-run credit card company.

Despite the appearance of a classic state-run, centrally-controlled economy, Slabovia does in fact maintain a stock market, the Slabovian Stock EXchange, or SSEX.

Slabovia's tourism industry was awarded to the Lord Yarker Hotel. Founded c.1986 by Rick and Ellen, custody of the famed no-star hotel passed on in July 1997 to Dave and Cathy Yarker, who maintain its reputation for friendly lack of service.

Slabovia utilizes two separate currencies: The Tesla (T), and the New Llama (Ł).

Culture

The Llamalisa, one of Slabovia's national treasures

Slabovia appears to have no literature, poetry, or visual art, as the National Library of Slabovia is confined to a two-stall men's room in the Palace. Such visual art as may exist from time to time is dealt with by the night custodial staff.

However, Slabovia does have a rich film and television history, going all the way back to 1987's thriller The Bird?. TVS, the Empire's official (and only) television station, broadcasts occasionally. The Llamanator remains the most popular show in Slabovian history by decree of King George I.

Slabovia's documentary film tradition was started and executed by Captain Pat, whose travel series Captain Pat Goes To... brought him and his crew Niknar and Nacnud to international fame and loss of fortune. The current whereabouts of Captain Pat and his crew are unknown.

Slabovia's official sport is Slabovian Rules Chess, of which King George I is Grand Master. Slabovian Rules Chess has two versions.

Classic SRC closely resembles chess, with the following major differences in rules:

*pawns may advance three spaces in their initial move

*knights advance three spaces forward, then one laterally

*bishops must “jump” another piece to advance or retreat diagonally

*the entire board may be rotated 90 degrees once during the game by each player

*if the King reaches the opposite end of the board, the player gets all of his pieces back, taking whatever opposing pieces lie on the initial squares.

Classic SRC was created by George Bragg, Rankin MacGillivray, and Patrick Goddard during sleep deprivation training at FOOLS.

Truly Classic SRC is played by two players and an arbiter. While the normal objectives and rules of chess apply, players can create new moves and pieces, subject to approval and regulation by the arbiter. These rules have in the past provided for video extortion, nuckular space-based weapons, force fields, and hand grenades. There is no requirement for consistency match to match.