Love: What Makes It Last

Whether you've been married for days or decades, here's how to stay connected after...two years, seven years, 14 years and beyond.

Marriages are like snowflakes: No two are the same. But look closely and you'll notice they all have a lot in common. And the more anniversaries you log, the more likely you are to hit milestones most other couples share. "We're all familiar with the developmental stages of childhood -- well, marriage goes through a similar set of stages," says Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., author of How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free. "It's important to look at them as a sign that your relationship is maturing, rather than thinking, Uh-oh, it's the seven-year itch." Yes, there really is a seven-year itch, so to guide you through that challenge -- and others -- we asked experts to share their tips for making every crucial transition an opportunity to get closer.

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Biggest Surprise
Although your sex life is still hot, it may seem like your romantic connection has hit a cool spell. It's not your imagination: Most couples experience a 50 percent drop in loving gestures (holding hands, pillow talk, etc.) during this stage of marriage, says Ted Huston, Ph.D., a marriage researcher and professor of human ecology at the University of Texas at Austin. In fact, in his study of couples throughout 14 years of marriage, Huston found that the pairs who were the "most lovey-dovey" in the initial 24 months were more likely to divorce later. "They start at a high, lose it and then look elsewhere to recapture that bliss," he says. Best off were the less over-the-top romantic couples. Why? Being less gushy is a sign you've transitioned to grown-up love. "This second year is when you should move out of the infatuation phase -- the Tom-Cruise-jumping-up-and-down-on-the-couch phase -- and begin to move into the period of deeper love and commitment," says Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of the upcoming book The Secrets of Happily Married Men.

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What to Expect
Love gets real (in a good way). Those first dozen months of marriage may be challenging, but they're thrilling, too: You're telling your honeymoon stories, christening wedding gifts and feathering your nest together. The second year, "it gets real," says Tessina. "You see your husband tossing his underwear on the floor and it dawns on you, Oh, my God, I'm in this for life." Even living together before saying "I do" doesn't prepare you for this shock, because when you're shacking up, you know the arrangement isn't necessarily permanent, so annoying habits and disagreements are less likely to register as lifelong challenges.

At the same time, you're both figuring out how to have solo time, which can feel exhilarating and threatening.

"When you were just dating, your focus was, 'When can I see you?' But now that you're married, it's, 'How do I get away from you?'" notes Tessina. "It can feel like a bad thing, but it's not."

So don't panic if you sometimes wish you could trade that soup tureen for a big vat of Valium. "It's natural to feel bursts of anxiety, especially after arguments," says psychologist Laura Berman, Ph.D., coauthor of Secrets of the Sexually Satisfied Woman: Ten Keys to Unlocking Ultimate Pleasure. "Everything can seem catastrophic -- even a fight about where to store the new dishes." That's because even if you easily resolved minor arguments before the rings were on, you may now be worried that any conflict is a sign that your marriage is shaky. Anxiety and preconceived notions about married-couple "shoulds" can make disagreements seem more important than they really are.

Reality check: Take a deep breath and don't worry about whether you'll make it to your golden anniversary. Instead, focus on the day-to-day and the chance to build -- from the ground up -- the kind of marriage that will make you happy. "You're the ones who get to set how it goes," advises Tessina. "So do it your way." To make sure you and he are on the same page about what "your way" is, set aside a sacred 20-minute block each week to talk about your relationship. "It will help you build a strong foundation," notes Tessina.

Getting closer, just you and him. The years before children can be magical, says Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, Ph.D., codirector of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University in New Brunswick, NJ. "It's a time when you develop your own routines and rituals and build your unique identity as a couple," she says. So have fun creating private rituals now, knowing they'll make you both feel more invested down the road.

Liz and Dan Figenshu
What's this Union City, NJ, couple's favorite way to bond? They go on road trips. "We know that once we have kids, we'll only be able to dream about this kind of spontaneous travel," says Liz.

Biggest Surprise
"A lot of men have a hard time adjusting to having sex with someone they've seen give birth," says Berman, who counsels couples with sexual difficulties as director of the Berman Center in Chicago. The experience of witnessing their wife in excruciating pain, not to mention the grim anatomical realities of the birth process, is often "more traumatic to men than they let on," says Berman. "At the same time, these husbands don't want to be the grossed-out guy; they're often too ashamed to admit they feel this way, so the issue doesn't get talked about." That silence makes it harder for men to move past their concerns.

Meanwhile, new moms have their own problems to grapple with. Although ob/gyns tell women it's safe to have sex six weeks after giving birth, Berman counsels her patients not to expect a normal sex life until three to six months after stopping breast-feeding. "Breast-feeding women have the estrogen levels of menopausal women, which contributes to low libido, low sensation and dryness," she says, adding that these problems tend to be worse after the second child. So don't be hard on yourself if you aren't raring to go a few months after giving birth.

What to Expect
Kids stress -- and strengthen -- your bond. Children change everything, from when and if you sleep to how you invest your money, where you vacation and what you drive. Most couples have had all their kids by now, according to a study commissioned by Redbook and fielded by the Downing Group, and are settling into the all-absorbing rhythm of parenthood. You two are enjoying the satisfaction of working together for future goals, but you're also feeling the financial pressures of a growing family.

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Division of labor is always a hot-button issue between couples, but when kids arrive, the stakes grow exponentially, say Carolyn Pape Cowan, Ph.D., and her husband, Philip A. Cowan, Ph.D., both professors of psychology at the University of California at Berkeley and coauthors of When Partners Become Parents. "No couple is 50-50," Carolyn Cowan notes. "So, the issue isn't whether it's even -- it never is! -- but how each of you perceives how much the other is doing." The Cowans' advice: Make sure you understand the kind of family your guy comes from. Appreciating the expectations he may have is the key to negotiating an arrangement that works for both of you.

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Another toughie: Finding time for romance. "Couples struggle with a sense of loss after children -- that tendency to neglect each other and focus exclusively on the kids," says Berman. "It's so important to make private time together a priority." Berman advises couples to install a lock on the bedroom door, go on date nights as regularly as possible and sneak away at least once a year for an overnight getaway. "Otherwise, you just become partners managing the kids and life, and that makes your marriage more vulnerable to problems down the road," she says.

Even childless couples can get stuck in a romantic rut at the seven-year mark. Why? "Routine makes us feel secure, but it's also boring," explains Tessina. "At the same time, new stuff energizes us, but it's exhausting so we avoid it." The solution? Shake things up a little: Reorganize your bedroom, try a lunch instead of a dinner date, get physical in the morning before work.

But don't ditch your old rituals -- anything that makes you two feel close on a daily basis will shore up your bond, according to the Cowans' research. The most successful couples in their study had learned by year seven that there are times when it's best "to put the stuff of life on hold -- laundry, lawn care -- and just spend a little time together, alone," she says.

Hey, just making it to this anniversary is a big accomplishment. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, half of all divorces occur in the first seven years. "If you've come this far, you're already well on your way to beating the odds," says Haltzman.

"Your family really feels like a family now," says Tessina. And assuming you've found a way to maintain your romantic relationship over the din of Elmo videos, you're in good to go the distance.

Keenya and Julian Mathis
To stay in sync while raising two sons, "we watch out for each other," says Julian, of Bethlehem, PA. "When one of us is having a bad day, the other leaves encouraging voice mails." Adds Keenya, "We make time for us, even if it's just taking walks together.

Biggest Surprise
How a child hitting puberty can rock a marriage. "People react differently to losing some control over their children's lives," explains Philip Cowan. "Many couples blame each other for their teenager's behavior." Blowing off steam at the gym or through creative pursuits can help you keep your cool and perspective, so you don't take that parenting stress out on your partner. And that's good for your kids, too. "In our studies we found that teens and preteens really watch their parents' interactions for cues on how to behave in a relationship," says Philip Cowan. In other words, now's your chance to model the kind of marriage you would wish for your child.

What to Expect
Congratulations, you've made it through the toughest years of marriage. Your bond has been tested by highs and lows, and you've found ways to navigate those tricky waters with good communication, mutual respect and, let's hope, some humor. "The first 10 years of marriage are punctuated by a series of shocks -- the shock of romance tapering off, the shock of children, the shock of work and family pressures," says Whitehead. So it's no wonder the divorce rate starts declining sharply after this point.

In fact, by 15 years of marriage, only 2 percent of couples will divorce in any given year. Still, this midpoint in marriage may usher in another period of transition, say the Cowans, albeit a more individual, soul-seeking one. "I like to remember that the Chinese character for 'crisis' combines the characters for 'danger' and 'opportunity,' " says Philip Cowan. "Some transitional moments may seem like danger zones, but they can really become positive opportunities." Now that children are approaching their teenage Garbo years -- "I want to be alone..." -- you each may have more time to pursue new interests. Concerns about paying for college or retirement may spark you to set off on a new career path. (This is a great time to go back to school: The National Center for Education Statistics reports that part-time-student enrollment for women over the age of 35 has increased more than 10 percent in the past decade.) "Replenishing your personal satisfaction can replenish your marital satisfaction," says Carolyn Cowan. "The important thing to remember is that if you live fully you will have new challenges to grapple with, and that's very healthy for a marriage."

One small caveat: Throwing yourself into new passions may cause you to neglect your original one -- your husband. "Loss of affection is a sleeper issue at this stage of marriage," says Huston. "We've found that it's the drop-off of hugging and sweet gestures -- much more than a decline in frequency of sex -- that affects the happiness and stability of long-term marriages." Keep looking for tiny ways to stay connected: Give him a bear hug before breakfast, send an ego-boosting email during the day, curl up on the sofa with him during TV veg time. Mmm, now that's more like it.

Helping each other live your best life, says Tessina. "It's a common time for soul-searching -- Should I switch careers? Is this really how I want my life to be?" she notes. "It feels great when you realize that you have a true partner by your side to help you assess your dreams and put some of them into action."

Jen and Pete Singer
"When our kids were young, we lost each other in the blur," admits Jen, of Kinnelon, NJ. "Now we're sharing everything. It's like our marriage is emerging from a hibernation."

The happiest time in marriage may be after the kids leave home, says Robert W. Levenson, Ph.D., director of the Institute of Personality and Social Research at the University of California at Berkeley. "We found that couples experienced a jump in satisfaction and affection in the five years after the youngest child left home," notes Levenson. Why? "Early in marriage, raising kids is one of the largest sources of stress," he says. "But later, friendships with adult children are couples' greatest source of pleasure."

But not all empty nesters will make it to their golden anniversary. To predict which ones will, just watch them argue, says Levenson. According to his research, the most successful pairs bring up problems in a constructive way, keep strong emotions in check and avoid disgust and contempt. "Those behaviors are more damaging than anger because anger is situational, while disgust and contempt are about the low worth of the person in general," he says.

What else distinguishes golden-oldie pairs? According to a report from the Australian Institute of Family Studies, they accept what can't be changed about their partners.