Date: Sun, 12 Nov 2000 02:29:16 -0600
From: Silent Kid
Subject: Affirmation 18
Hi Everyone, here's the new chapter. This one would have come sooner but I
got stuck in the middle, so... I want to hear from all of you, now.
I'm finally back online so you should be able to reach me for once. Let me
know how you feel about the way it's going.
Sidenote--Eva, you writing fool! I was quite surprised when N Sync turned
up in If Only, and now I rather enjoy them in it. Talk to you soon, babe.
Happy reading, Amber :)
Disclaimer: Never happened, work of fiction, mature themes, not real. Not
meant to reflect the lives of the people involved, specifically Darren
Hayes, Robbie Williams, Ronan Keating, Shane Lynch, Stephen Gately, Jason
Brown, or Daniel Jones or anyone peripherally mentioned.
Affirmation 18
Darren hated being sick. Yet that was his precise condition within a day
of arriving in Australia. His first instinct, as he lay on his stomach
vomiting into a waste basket, was to race home to his mother. Then reason,
or rather, Stephen and Daniel prevailed, pointing out the trip would be too
much for him, and they weren't about to pull over every three minutes so he
could throw up. So, the verdict was that he would remain at Daniel's home
and the other three would take shifts watching over him. Which was fine
with Darren. He was too out of his head in pain and misery to notice much
of anything decided about him, except that he would be taken care of and
that was all that really concerned him. That and keeping his food down.
Daniel would sit with him in the morning, bring him tea and antibiotics,
make sure he kept them down, and tell him how his producing was coming
along. Darren loved seeing Daniel so excited about something. Sometime
before noon, Daniel would feel his forehead, declare he thought the patient
was getting a bit better, then he would tuck the covers up around him, and
leave for the studio.
Once he left, Darren always fell asleep. When he awoke, Shane would be in
the chair at the end of the bed, his feet up on the mattress. Shane wasn't
much for talking, but he was quick with the trashcan and didn't mind
holding Darren's head or wiping his mouth. He'd even take him to the
bathroom, though he didn't go in with him, just stood outside the door
listening for a thud. Then he'd help him back to bed. The whole process
exhausted Darren so much he collapsed as soon as he hit it.
Since Shane didn't have much to say, he'd read car magazines aloud to
entertain Darren. This, more than the constant throbbing in his head, was
the ultimate motivator for regaining his good health. Darren had never
harbored the slightest desire to know anything about cars, and yet, he was
suddenly quite confident that after a day with Shane he could rebuild an
engine from scratch. Daniel would be thrilled. Darren groaned. Shane put
a washcloth on his forehead, not missing a beat in his "The Best Carberator
for Your Retooled 57 Chevy" article. Darren slid the cloth over his face
and stuffed it into his mouth. He rolled over and clutched his stomach.
He could handle the car articles, he told himself. It was better than
being unattended, though not by much.
Stephen had the night shift. For the first few nights he'd sit in the
chair, leaning forward to rub Darren's back until they both fell asleep,
Darren under the covers, and Stephen using him as a pillow. On the fourth
night Darren groggily told him that it was all silly and he should just get
in bed with him. He did, and things remained much the same except now they
slept curled against each other. This suited them both just fine. In the
morning, Stephen removed himself, Daniel slid into the chair, and the whole
process started again.
After two weeks of a world consisting of the bedroom and the bathroom,
Darren forced himself downstairs one morning. He leaned against the
kitchen's door jam and smiled as the scene unfolded before him. Stephen
hunched over his cereal at the end of the table, occasionally slurping
loudly, Shane snapping him with a tea towel whenever he did, chiding him,
"Stephen! Gross!" Stephen grinned into his bowl and ate quietly for a few
moments before succumbing to the need to tease Shane again. Daniel stood
in the middle of the fray, calmly scrambling eggs with one hand and
flipping sausages with the other. He was wearing a pink ruffled apron over
his Placebo t-shirt. The apron was left behind by an ex-girlfriend.
Scripted letters over the front proclaimed "A Woman's Work is Never Done."
Shane held the plates as Daniel loaded them up from the frying pans. As
they turned back to the table, they spotted Darren. Daniel grinned.
"Good morning! It's about time you got down here."
"I'd have come a lot faster if I'd known you'd be wearing that," Darren
teased.
"What?" Daniel asked, rubbing his hands on his apron.
Darren laughed and sat down next to Stephen. Shane dropped a plate of eggs
in front of him. Before he could say anything, Daniel swept it away and
replaced it with a banana.
"Thanks."
"That's all you're eating?" Shane asked.
"I don't like eggs."
"But a banana?"
"He's not good with breakfast," Daniel explained, leaning in to whisper
loudly, "weak stomach."
Shane's eyes twinkled in amusement. Darren ignored him. Daniel giggled as
he sat next to Shane and across from Darren.
"All better?" Stephen asked.
"I'm a little dizzy, but I think I'm alright," Darren told him.
As they ate, talking about nothing in particular, Darren couldn't help
smiling. He'd been too sick to realize how glad he was to be back with
Daniel. He kicked him under the table and Daniel kicked him back without
breaking his conversation with Shane, though he did glance at him
playfully. Stephen chattered about a koala bear he'd seen in the backyard
and for a moment Darren could believe that this was how it had always been,
the four of them together, perfect complements. Even when one of them left
the table, the illusion remained, that they were all that ever had been or
ever would be. Thoughts of New York and what he'd left behind, what any of
them had left behind, were as far from his mind as the city itself. He
nibbled his banana slowly as he listened to Stephen describe how he'd snuck
up on the animal and almost grabbed it before Daniel warned him away.
"I wasn't really going to do it," Stephen protested.
"Fierce creatures," Daniel asserted. "You wouldn't know by looking, of
course. But, better safe than sorry..."
The phone interrupted him. The other three all rolled their eyes. No one
moved to answer it.
"Is someone going to get that?" Darren asked.
"Stephen?" Daniel asked. "We know it's for you."
Stephen shrugged. "I don't want to talk to him."
"He's not going to stop calling until you do."
"I don't want to talk to him."
It stopped on the fourth ring before the machine got it. Seconds later, it
rang again.
"Oh, for pity's sake!" Daniel blurted. He grabbed the phone.
"He doesn't want to talk to you, Ronan." He paused, something stopping him
from hanging up.
"No, J, I am quite certain that I am not interested. Right. Well, good
luck with that. Tell Ronan to quit calling." A pause as he listened. "I
see. I'll tell him. Goodbye." He glanced at Darren. "No, he doesn't
want to talk to you, either. Nor does Stephen. I'm hanging up now." He
set the receiver down gently.
"That was J," he said to the three curious faces at the table.
"No kidding," said Stephen. "What did he want?"
Daniel raised an eyebrow. "Me," he answered simply. "It would seem I'm
his new target."
"I don't think you quite understand what you're in for," Darren warned.
Daniel rubbed his hands together absently. "I was thinking...that this
could prove to be rather fun."
"Did he want to talk to me?" Darren asked.
"Don't worry about him. He won't bother you anymore," Daniel said firmly,
effectively avoiding the question.
"What did he say about Ronan?" Stephen pressed, hastily adding, "not that I
care."
"Just that he hadn't seen him in two weeks. He thinks he might be back in
Ireland now, but he's not sure. J's been in Liverpool for the past week.
He says Ronan hasn't tried to contact him."
"And has J tried to contact him?" Stephen asked.
"He didn't say."
"Hmm," Stephen said.
"You could ask Ronan yourself the next time he calls," Daniel suggested.
Stephen rolled his eyes.
"What's going on?" Darren asked, lost.
Shane explained, "Ronan's been calling about four times a day and upsetting
Steo so now he won't talk to him at all."
"What's he say?"
"That I'm being a baby and I should accept him as he is and I'm not perfect
either and my needs are unreasonable," Stephen answered angrily.
"What demands?"
"I'm sick of hiding. Everyone knows about me. I can't be in a secret
relationship anymore. Either he comes out about us, or we're over."
"That's all it would take for you to go back to him?" Darren asked.
Stephen shrugged. "No, but that's a good start. But it doesn't matter
anyway because he's not going to do it. He likes to keep me invisible."
His voice cracked. Shane rubbed his hand consolingly.
"Don't think about it," he murmured.
"Has Robbie called?" Darren whispered, scared to ask. Everything stopped
in pure silence as the others contemplated him. Darren's heart pounded as
he waited for someone to speak. The refrigerator was deafening.
"What?" he asked, trepidatiously.
"No, he hasn't called," Shane said slowly.
Darren tilted his head at him. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Darren," Daniel took over, "we can't find him."
"I've tried the hotel, his house in London, his mum's house..." Stephen
said.
"What are you saying?" Darren asked.
A silent glance at each other. Daniel spoke. "We don't know where he is.
No one knows where he is."
The news hit Darren and he would have fallen if he hadn't been sitting
down. He felt himself drop three colors of white. "He's...missing?" he
squeaked.
"That's what it looks like."
"His mum didn't know?"
Shane shook his head. "She said she'd call if he turned up."
"If?" he gasped.
"She said this happens a lot. Him disappearing, I mean."
"Did she say why?" Darren demanded.
"No," Daniel said, hesitating slightly.
"You're lying," Darren contested hotly.
"Darren..." Daniel soothed.
"Tell me!"
Daniel patted his shoulder. Darren shrugged his hand off angrily.
"She said that he does this when" he paused, searching for the right words,
"when he's under a lot of stress."
"What sort of stress?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," Daniel said firmly.
Darren broke away from him, backing out and shaking his head. "How can you
say that? When you know it's not true!" He ran from the room, leaving the
others behind in a blur and seeing nothing more than that before him. He
vaguely heard Daniel calling after him, but he ignored it as he stumbled up
the stairs into the sitting room. He grabbed the phone and started
dialing. But halfway through he hung up. He had no one to call. He
didn't know Robbie's number. He was just as useless as the ones
downstairs. When it came to finding him, he didn't have a clue. And the
one he would usually call in these situations was caught in the middle of
it. He groaned and buried his face in the throw pillow.
He lost track of how long he'd been there, trying not to think, trying not
to let the emotions he hadn't felt in weeks overwhelm him. Someone sat
next to him on the couch. He didn't move, even as the hands that could
only belong to Daniel expertly massaged his neck and shoulders.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"I hate this." Darren said into his pillow.
"I know."
"Helplessness."
Daniel pulled him up until he twisted around and laid in his lap. Daniel
turned the television on and continued rubbing Darren's back silently.
Darren watched the screen listlessly, moving softly under Daniel's fingers,
their message strong and comforting at once. His eyelids grew heavy and
drooped. As the rhythmic caress pushed him towards sleep, he saw Ronan
before him. 'Odd,' he thought, but Daniel's voice roused him.
"Stephen, get in here!" Daniel yelled and Darren realized that Ronan was
indeed there, on the television.
Stephen and Shane ran in.
"What?" Stephen asked. Daniel pointed at the screen.
"So, you want to sing us out, Ronan?" asked the British host.
"This is a song for someone I care about very much," Ronan said.
"Oh my God," said Stephen slowly.
"Once again, Ronan Keating," the host proclaimed, to much applause and
screaming.
Ronan took his place behind a microphone stand and the violinists began.
Stephen and Shane recognized the tune immediately.
"He's not." Stephen said, caught between disbelief and something akin to
amusement.
"It's perfect," Shane murmured.
Before Darren could ask what, exactly, was perfect, Ronan started singing.
"It's been awhile, how have you been doing? Do you ever think about me and
you and all the things we used to do? The times that we shared. Well I've
been looking for a love and affection. It's brought me back in your
direction. Even though we've been apart, you're part of my soul.
Okay, I know I was a fool to lose my faith in you, but Steve before you
go,"
"Did he say Steve?" Shane asked.
"I think he did," Daniel said in amazement.
Stephen grinned. He pushed a finger to his lips as Ronan kept singing.
"I want you to know that I think of you every day, baby. And I can't seem
to get away from these feelings And I, I need to tell you somehow I need
your love right now. I need your love.
Looking back I can see things clearly The mistakes that I paid for dearly
Taking love for granted only leaves you alone Well if we talked you would
understand that time has made me a better man
And with your love behind me There's nowhere I can't go So take a chance on
me and you'll see it's where you need to be. In your heart it tells you
so, You'll know what I know
That I think of you every day, baby, and I can't seem to get away from
these feelings And I, I need to tell you somehow That I need your love
right now.
Now is the time for both of us to put aside our differences and trust All
the words I never used to say, Now I've found a way."
The orchestra soared, taking the song into flight. As it crescendoed,
Ronan looked directly into the camera and mouthed, "For you, babe." Then
he stepped to the side and bowed.
The phone rang. Darren grabbed it.
"Did he see it?" Ronan demanded excitedly.
"Yes, we all did," Darren told him.
"Did he like it?"
Darren glanced at Stephen who was hugging himself and beaming. "Yes, I'd
say he did."
Ronan sighed audibly. "Will he talk to me now?"
"Hold on." Darren held the phone out. "Stephen, it's Ronan."
Stephen snatched the phone away, still grinning. He softly said, "hey
babe, I missed you," before walking out of the room to continue the
conversation privately.
Shane plopped onto the couch. "Thank God that's over," he sighed.
"One crisis averted," Daniel agreed.
Darren groaned.
"Don't worry, we'll find him," Shane promised.
"I'm worrying," Darren said.
"We all are," Daniel admitted.
"He's fine," Shane said.
"How do you know?" Darren asked.
"I just do," Shane said firmly.
Darren put his head back down on Daniel's lap and Daniel idly scratched
behind his ears. Shane flipped to a car program. Darren started to
protest, but Daniel slapped him so he laid silent, watching a burly man
grease up an axle and rotate the tires. He knew, without looking, that
both Shane and Daniel were enrapt. He didn't feel like moving from
Daniel's hands, and he remained motionless until he zoned out everything
but the gentle motion on his scalp.
tbc...
there ya go. I hope you all are looking forward to the next chapter.
Should be done sometime before Xmas. Maybe. You know me. Feedback
makes me write more. Really. silentkid@angelfire.com