I heard about Heisman years ago. I downloaded his book, but never read it. Even now, I’m hesitant to read it.

It did get me thinking again. Years ago, after the split, I started toying with the idea of writing a resignation letter. Not resigning from a job, but from relationships. From socializing. From romantic aspirations.

The “letter” never amounted to anything other than a few lines on the page. Something entitled “To Whom It May Concern.”

It’s something I’d like to revisit, minus the subject matter.

“Soooo obvious! Lol. It’s cute.”

“Shut your face.”

“There’s no hiding it! Why try???”

“I’m sure there’s logic behind it.”

“I see those little eyes. And smiles. But I know.”

In another conversation, with another person, I’m asked, “Are you still interested?” And I shrug. Because as sure as I am about how I feel about her, there’s this doubt that feeding through.

It’s the Voice reminding me of my failures. Helping me recall my worthlessness. Creeping up in the darkness to spoil and rot the most beautiful things at the core.

8 November 2016: I attended an artist reception for Ruben Rios that night. I’d already voted during the early voting days, so the election news could wait that night while I partook in celebrating a friend. Though there was a deep dread in the air. I felt it. So did my friends/coworkers. Midway through the night, we were all checking our phones. Google News alerts kept me up to date that MAGA 4chan fanatics weren’t aware they had to register to vote. Things looked good, even though Hillary Clinton (whom we weren’t exactly enthusiastic for either) wasn’t even in the lead.

5 January 2018: A little less than a year into Trump’s presidency, Michael Wolff was slated to release a book about the first 100 days and beyond. In all true Trumpian fashion, DJT tried to keep the book from being released. This prompted Wolff and the publisher, Henry Holt and Co., to release it four days early. The Trump lawyer’s call to cease and desist gave the book added notoriety which led to it being sold out on its first day. As I entered Barnes and Noble that night, it didn’t surprise me in the least that people were being turned away. And that night, I did something against my philosophy: I paid full price for the e-book.

The book offered no surprises. If it does anything, it solidified my fears and assumptions about the Trump campaign and its presidency. It also caters to the conspiracy theorist type bullshit that lingers in the back of my mind about Trump, Pence, Ryan and the GOP at large.

It offers some insight into Trumps life. From his need to gain approval from his father, the media, and other rich people in the country and the world. How he treats his sons in very much the same manner: “[…] Don Jr., thirty-nine, and Eric, thirty-three, existed in an enforced infantile relationship to their father […] Their father took some regular pleasure in pointing out that they were in the back of the room when God handed out brains—but, then again, Trump tended to scorn anyone who might be smarter than he was.”

It touches bases with the Russian collusion. Underlines how Bannon controlled Trumpism and Trump himself. How Ivanka and Jared (happily referred to as Jarvanka) tried pulling the strings of presidency. How the Republicans in Congress had no idea what they were getting themselves into when decided to back the loose cannon candidate. And, of course, how Trump thinks of women: “Trump liked to say that one of the things that made life worth living was getting your friends’ wives into bed.”

There are some things that I question about the timeline provided in the book, how much is the author’s opinion, and how certain typos go by the editors. (If the title of Stormy Daniels tell-all memoir isn’t entitled “Ferocity and Pubic Venom,” then I’m going to be upset. Michael Wolff offered up a wonderful title!)

It’s a must read for those curious enough to see the going-ons of the Trump presidency. And for those who need some evidence that Trump never actually wanted to be president: “Donald Trump and his tiny band of campaign warriors were ready to lose with fire and fury. They were not ready to win.” But I don’t see this convincing any die-hard Trump supporters to jump ship (even though, several of his staff were wise enough to do so). And if you do read it, do it cautiously. Question things before accepting it as gospel. But, to be honest, there is little about this book that I don’t disbelieve.

Thought about you today. The urge to call you faded when I accepted that I no longer have your contact information. Still, you were on my mind the moment I learned that Dolores O’Riordan passed away.

I recall how excited you were attended a concert several years back. How you swore she was singing just to you. I remember the late night phone calls. Your voice singing a cappella. Or the countless car rides where’d you sing along to The Cranberries.

I wonder how you’re taking the news. Who’s listening to you mourn the loss of an idol?

10:15. Traffic light paused, a long duration of self-evaluation. The strumming of an old guitar on the radio. Three men pushing shopping carts down the empty sidewalk, sweat glistening off their brow. One of them waves to someone in the distance. A smile spreading across his face like spilled ink on the carpet. Kept the windows rolled down because the fresh air is easier to breathe these days. It ain’t too cool, but it’s not where near the inferno temperatures here. Unless you’re one of those guys pushing carts down the street. (Out of Nowhere)

12:02. Her fragrance intoxicates. She’s an order of homebrew, blonde roast. A voice on the radio reads the time. It makes no difference, the way her words sway throughout the room, filling the air with their magnificence, the tick-tocking of clocks are nullified. Could spend an afternoon memorizing the curves of her lips as they break into her soft smiles. (Don’t Blame Me)

3:15. An old postcard arrived in the mail. No name or return address. Just words scrawled in heavy cursive. “I long to feel your lips against mine again.” Gave a speech at a church last week. Standing ovation. Told the truth of our place in the world. She hadn’t been in the audience, I don’t think. And had she been, would I have recognized her by the brilliance of her electric green eyes? Or by the fire of her auburn hair? There’s a promo on TV for the seven o’clock news. Three men dead. One missing. Killer at large. And I look at the postcard again. Her handwriting isn’t hard to recognize. (My Old Flame)

Criminal anxiety runs through these veins with the blood of a bleeding heart unsure when its next beat will come. The privileged surrender their fortunes to swiping right, make that uncertain phone call for one night of gratitude, and when the ties come undone, the strings fall and tie down the urge once again. Feeling the lack of air when the words choke in the vocal cords. Questions unanswered left asked for another night. The warmth of a brush of hand. Sequestered moments written upon the pages’ squares kept airtight without a memory of every being true. Common words fade; the important ones carved in the oak. Burn the collapsible lung. Learn to breathe underwater. Sit upon the open, watch the world. Sit at the open and watch the world.

There’s a lot going on in the movie and we’re introduced to a few new players that I hope to see more of in the future (be it in film or in novel). Rose Tico adds new flare into Finn’s life (and an unnecessary love-triangle between Finn and Rey). Vice Admiral Amilyn Holdo isn’t a generic Leia copy. And while her character is underplayed in the film, her heroics aren’t. The film also keeps up with tradition of downplaying fan favorite characters. Captain Phasma and Maz come to mind.

All in all, the film surpasses expectations and delights its audience. I fear what destruction J.J. Abrams will bring upon the franchise with his return for Episode IX.

Now that that’s out of the way, let me touch upon things that stood out for me in The Last Jedi. Warning: There are spoilers.

Leia & the Force

“You have that power too… The Force is strong in my family,” Luke breaks it down for Leia on Endor just before he turns himself over to the Empire. “My father has it. I have it. My sister has it.” We’ve never seen Leia use the Force despite her knowing he possesses the power to do so. There is a small moment in The Force Awakens when Han dies at the hand of their son that she felt a disturbance, but one could also write that off as the intuition of someone you love passing. I made that mistake and am glad I did. Had I realized the truth, the moment in The Last Jedi would have been ruined.

After conflicted Kylo decides not to fire on his mother’s ship, two TIE fighters take the lead. Blasting everyone on the bridge into deep space. Many deaths happen (I’ll get to that later). Leia, surprisingly, isn’t one of them. Instead, we see her unconscious body floating in the serene quite of the vacuum. That is until her eyes snap awake and she “reaches out.” The Resistance will not go quietly into that good night, First Order!

Yoda, Man.

When footage of Rey’s training was released, the internet exploded with theories that she was being trained by Master Yoda. They came to this conclusion because of a small figure perched on top of some rocks. (I just saw more rocks.)

We are treated to a Yoda cameo, though. When Luke is dead set on destroying the Jedi Order for good by destroying the tree that houses the sacred texts. As if to call his bluff, Yoda’s Force ghost appears before him. Luke, of course, cannot bring himself to destroy the sacred tree. Not one to take his bullshit, Yoda calls down lightning and strikes the tree himself. While it’s later revealed that Rey stole the books before she boarded the Falcon to meet up with Kylo Ren, Luke isn’t aware of it. And whether he’s in the known before the end is up for discussion (though, yes, I’d say).

The moment calls back to Yoda’s words in Revenge of the Sith after fighting Palpatine – “Failed, I have.” Luke explains to Rey that the legacy of the Jedi has been failure. Perhaps, Yoda agreed. Perhaps, he knew what Rey had done (again, yes, I’d say). But, in that moment, as Luke and Yoda watch the tree burn, there’s peace. As if both know how it’ll all play out.

Snoke Isn’t Half the Sith

Little is still known about the Supreme Leader, but I’m sure that’ll change in time. The extended universe is bound to cover it now. And I wonder if the block on Rey’s location was an act of Luke or, rather, an act of Yoda. Despite his depiction of being the strongest in the galaxy during Luke’s absence, he still doesn’t see the munity brewing before him. Even when his apprentice betrays him to save Rey.

While the death of Snoke didn’t surprise me (we all knew this was going to happen, right? That Kylo wouldn’t be under his thumb for long, right?), the way it carried out offered so much more than we were previous led to believe. Kylo is much stronger than we formerly understood. Especially if he could hide his betrayal with resolved conflict.

Anakin 2.0

Previous statement aside, Kylo still bugs the shit out of me. I expected temper tantrums from Anakin 2.0 and I was rewarded for doing so. Not sure what is in store for Kylo in Episode IX, but it’s clear that his rage will be his undoing.

There might have been a time where I thought he’d turn to the light and join the fight, but that was extinguished the moment he guided lightsaber to halve his master. And while he fought side-by-side Rey against the Elite Praetorian Guard, there wasn’t a shadow of doubt that the move was done selfishly.

Hux the Little Bitch

Or maybe General Hux.

To add to the list of annoying villains in movies. It would seem that Supreme Leader Snoke is terrible at selecting who will lead his First Order to victory.

Hux comes off a child who begged his father for attention. And when he didn’t get it, killed his father and took his place. Still, there is some animosity between Hux and Kylo—after learning that Snoke was slain, Hux goes as far as thinking of just killing Kylo where he lay. I want to say that this sort of double crossing would be interesting to watch unfold, but how annoying would it be that the First Order is destroyed by itself?

Phasma Wasted (Again)

A moment of déjà vu hit me when the trailer for The Last Jedi was released. Again, we saw Captain Phasma in her shiny attire marching into battle. Surely, Rian Johnson would not tease us with the character only to give us a small, unsatisfactory helping. But he did just that. And while the fight between her and Finn swelled the climatic scene, it didn’t do favor for the character.

What we got instead was a glimpse of her humanity, something he failed to show in her origin story. And just as we think Finn would finish her off, the floor beneath her crumbles and she falls into the unknown. Once again, the fate of Phasma lingers in the air. Has she died? Is she floating in space? Or will she return to finish what she started in Episode IX (only to get a Boba Fett death?).

Luke vs. Kylo vs. Kenobi vs. Anakin/Vader

The rebirth of the Star Wars franchise owes a lot to nostalgia. The Force Awakens, despite argument, is a rehashing of A New Hope. And Rogue One is the events leading toward A New Hope. The Last Jedi doesn’t hold back on the nostalgia either. From the moment Luke steps out of the rebel base, Kylo orders his men to focus on their guns at his former master and uncle. When that fails, he decides to take matters into his own hands, and the two duel it out before the First Order while the Resistance escapes with the help of Rey, Chewie, R2, and a Porg.

The fight calls back two scenes, the battle between Anakin-turned-Vader and Obi Wan in Revenge of the Sith and the battle in A New Hope where Kenobi uses himself as a distraction which allows Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie, and the droids escape.

The rage which carries Kylo’s lightsaber contrasted against the peaceful, yet strategic, dodges of Luke were a perfect choregraphed piece. And the moment Kylo’s saber passes through his old master, we’re given the sentiment of Kenobi’s peaceful acceptance.

Of course, Luke doesn’t die there. Because Luke was never there.

The Empire of the Trilogy

It’s too easy to call this the Empireof the new trilogy, but that’s what it’ll be seen as. This movie packed more of a punch than prequels and the two Disney helmed films. Like any good second volume in a franchise, the heroes lose but live to see another day. And that gives us something to look forward to in final volume of this trilogy.

This movie captures our hearts, pushes our emotions to the brink, and delivers more than it promises, regardless of its shortcomings.

Porgs & Canto Bight: Veganism & Human and Animal Rights

I am not a Vegan. I’m not a vegetarian. No one will mistake me for either. But I’ll be remised if I don’t point out the correlation between the way people treat each other and the way they treat animals. This is something we see as a flock of porgs watch Chewie cook and nearly eat one of their own on Ahch-To. And which we see again in Canto Bight, the Las Vegas of a galaxy far, far away. Where slavery still reins (though it’s not called slavery, is it?) and fathiers are treated cruelly by their handlers.

It’s a homage to the current class war that we still experience to this day. And if science fiction isn’t used as an analogy for our current situation, what use can it serve?

Our Heroes Have to Die

I was a little upset when Han Solo died in The Force Awakens. And I too felt the loss of Luke as he faded into the Force. And however they want to treat Carrie Fisher’s passing in Episode IX, I know there will be remorse for the loss of Leia.

But, our heroes have to die. Nothing is made clearer than that with the depiction of Luke in this film. Heroes don’t go into battle thinking they’d become legends to carry the weight of hope on their shoulders. The fact that none of the other Resistance answer their cries for help makes it just another burden for the hero to carry. Nobody wants that.

But Poe Dameron has it right. Rey, Finn, Rose, him, and all the other newcomers are the spark that will burn down the First Order. It’s not Luke. It’s not Han. It’s not Leia. It’s this new team of characters. Because our time has come and gone. It’s time that a new generation of nerds be indoctrinated into the Star Wars world. And they need their own characters to get them there.

J.J. Abrams is George Lucas (No, Not a Compliment)

Rian Johnson provided a better film than J.J. Abrams could ever fathom. The story was original and it pushed the audience to accept all that we saw in the screen. While it depended on our nostalgia, none of it was forced. Much like how Empire Strikes Back did well without Lucas, Star Wars flourishes without Abrams and his pointless mystery box.