From the mind of Mary Purdy: A collection of true personal essays, creative outbursts, humorous monologues and other sundry offerings that necessitated translating ideas and whims from the brain onto the keyboard.

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8/4/14

Avocado and Walnut Duke it Out.

I was at the sink doing
dishes when I overheard Avocado and Walnut at it again.

“Everyone’s talking about
me,” said Avocado. “Haven’t you seen the
ads? The signs? I’m heart healthy. “

“Well, so am I”, preached Walnut.
“I have a “board” that is working for me.
That’s right, The Walnut Board of
California. They’ve got materials that they even mail out to people.”

“That’s not that big of a
deal,” snapped Avocado. “We all have one of those. Ever hear of the California
Avocado Commission? They are all about ME.
I’m also being represented by the
Haas Avocado Board.”

“Well, have you seen the
articles featuring me?” asked Walnut. “I’ve been mentioned in numerous science
journals claiming that not only am I the
richest nut source of Omega 3’s which help high blood pressure, but that eating
me regularly helps with weight loss because of my healthy fats.”

“That’s great, fatty! Avocado said. “You can pretty much say the
same thing about me, you know. I believe
I have a few more monounsaturated fats that you do. Plus you can easily add me to a sandwich or use
me in place of mayonnaise.”

“So what,” said Walnut. “Can
you get sprinkled on top of oatmeal in the morning or baked into a cookie?”

“As a matter of fact,” said
Avocado, “Some folks just started replacing the butter in cookies with me. Um,
have you ever heard of vegans? So, yes, I
make it into cookies periodically too. I
don’t believe I’ve ever seen YOU in a taco.

“Depends on who is making
the taco, buddy,” snipped Walnut. “Have you
heard of raw foodists? Sometimes, they replace
the meaty meat in the tacos with yours truly and I get to enjoy the ride in a
soft tortilla surrounded by that fabulous Pico de Gallo.”

“Oh, Pico and I hang out
like every day,” bragged Avocado. “We’re practically living together! And, you know who talks about eating me a
lot? Julia Roberts. Someone pinned one
of her breakfasts and it included moi.”

“Big deal!” shouted
Walnut. ”I have a theatre company named after me. The Walnut Street Theatre.”

“That’s because there is a street name Walnut Street where the theatre is located!” screeched Avocado.

“Well, I don’t see any
Avocado Streets or Avenues,” harrumphed
Walnut.

“For your information,
there’s one in California. Get around much?” said Avocado.

“Ha ha,” smirked
Walnut. “I get around a LOT. I’ve got a
Street in Philly, and an Avenue in Seattle!”

“It’s just a matter of
time before I’m seen on more street names,” Avocado scoffed. “Pretty soon they’ll
start realizing that food and specifically fruit has more power than dead white
presidents and mayors.”

“I don’t want to lord this
over you too much,” yipped Walnut, “But there are more than just streets and
avenues named in my honor. There are places;
Walnut Creek, Walnut Grove, Walnut City.”

“Um, I have a “heights”
named after me, ok?” said Avocado. “Avocado
Heights.”