Why should it? The present and the future are incomprehensible so why the
past be any different?

But relax. If you failed to keep up with Simon Schama be of good heart.
Professor Flat Eric is here with his seminal work, A Brief Time Of History, to
explain those bits you didn't quite follow the first time around.

More Speed, Less Hastings!

Before Nine Eleven, there was Ten Sixty Six. Mathematically incorrect but
true.

Trouble seemed in the offing at the start of 1066 when wishy-washy liberal
Edward the Confessional kicked the bucket and was replaced by avowed eurosceptic
Harold II. Almost immediately a rift broke out in Harold's family with his lil
bro, Tostig (of the Todump) getting booted out of the country. In a huff Tostig
moved to Norway where he signed up with notoriously cruel jockey, Harold
Hardrider. Together they began to assemble a squad for the forthcoming
championship, Euro 1066.

In the meantime, the french were stirring up trouble as usual. William, Duck
of Normandy, was an ex-viking now turned frog with an eye on the main chance.
Because he was (sort of) french, he was known as William the Bastard and he soon
showed every inclination to live up to his nickname. He, too, had designs on
Euro 1066 and even went so far as to copy the future Republic of Ireland team by
getting the blessing of the Pope (John-Paul Ringoandgeorge) before entering the
tournament.

However, due to the vagaries of the seeding system eyebrows ere raised, as
was much speculation, when Harold, William and Tostig were all drawn together in
Group A, which rapidly became known as 'The Group of Probably Not Too Many
Survivors'.

With home advantage the odds seemed to favour Harold and his team certainly
looked like serious contenders when they comprehensively thrashed Harold
Hardcheese and Tostig at Stamford Bridge. Such was the carnage that future
Chelsea fans would name their favourite punch-up place after it.

After the match a jubilant Harold said, "That's one in the eye for those
who said we could never win a major championship!".

However, Harold still had another tricky fixture to complete against William.
Harold's team were carrying a few injuries and were tired after their previous
fixture. On the other hand, Harold only needed a draw to progress to the next
round of the tournament.

Buoyed by their earlier victory, Harold's side started well as the match
kicked off in the magnificent Stadio Del' Hastings. Victory seemed assured but
then William took a dive. Infuriated by this blatant (and typically french, hem
hem Mr Ginola!) gamesmanship the English abandoned their classic 4-4-2 formation
and launched an all-out assault on the opposition's goal. "Dear god,
whatever next?", quoth the exasperated Harold as he looked to the heavens
for inspiration.

The next thing, William had suddenly 'miraculously' recovered from his
'injury' while Harold was laid low in one of history's most infamous
off-the-ball incident.

Thus, the English crashed out of Euro 1066. William went on to win the
championship and become William the Conquistador.

However, the English were not too despondent at this reversal as they had
long become inured to constant disappointment in competitive matches and so the
whole shambles came to be known as The Normal Conquest!

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