How to cope when a student’s parent just doesn’t like you

EP12: Are you feeling discouraged by a parent who seems impossible to please? You can develop a realistic, productive outlook on relationships with students’ parents. Learn how to maintain a professional and positive attitude and keep criticism from stealing your motivation.

So this week, we’re talking about how to cope when a parent of one of your students doesn’t like you. Now, I’m not talking about the parent who occasionally questions your teaching methodology or gives constructive feedback. I’m talking about that parent that you just can’t seem to please no matter what. The parent who shoots you an email on a daily basis about a problem, who finds fault in everything and is never satisfied, no matter how much you try to accommodate or compromise with them.

First off, I want you to know that this is not an unusual situation, and I wish I had known that at the beginning of my teaching career. It took me many years to come to terms with the fact that there will be some people in life that are just not going to like me or be happy with my work. Sometimes it’s a personality conflict, and sometimes the person has their own issues that they’re projecting onto others.

Almost every year, I had a parent who seemed determined to find fault with my performance, and I used to find it extremely demoralizing. I would beat myself up about it, thinking if only I was a better teacher, all the parents would like me. And that is not how the world works.

Not everyone is going to like you. That’s a completely unreasonable and unachievable goal. And I’m not even sure it’s one worth striving for– getting all your students’ parents to respect you as a professional, yes, but getting them all to like you? Not going to happen.

Almost every teacher has at least one parent every year who cusses them out, micromanages and constantly questions them, goes over their head to the principal about a minor issue, or disrespects them in a myriad of subtle or not-so-subtle ways. Be mentally prepared for that and don’t take it personally! This happens to almost about EVERY teacher, whether or not they tell the world about it. I promise you that.

I am friends with some of the best teachers in this country– people who give 110% for their kids and parents, true innovators who care deeply and go above and beyond in every area– and I still get tearful voicemail and Voxer messages from them after they’ve gotten a nasty parent email or were called into the principal’s office because a parent criticized them publicly for a tiny misunderstanding. This happens. Whenever you are dealing with other people, there are going to be miscommun-ications and not everyone is going to see eye-to-eye. It happens in every profession, in every social situation, and in every family.

So, don’t let these situations surprise you or throw you off your game. For the most part, it’s normal. Now, if you seem to be getting more than your fair share of complaints every school year, then it’s time to take a look at that, and get a colleague you trust to give you some honest feedback about why relationships with parents have been so tough for you and how you can improve. This is especially important if you’re getting the same complaints from multiple parents across multiple years– that’sa sign that you may need to either change somethingyou’re doing, or change the way you’re communicating it to other people so they have a better understanding up front of what you’re doing and why.

However, for our purposes here in this episode about mentally coping with parents who don’t like you, I want to drive home the importance of accepting the fact that some parents are never going to be your fans so that you don’t get so discouraged that you stop trying to build a rapport with everyone else. Don’t punish all the other parents because one or two of them are impossible to please. You must choose not to let a handful of parents steal your joy and enthusiasm for teaching, because there are many other families depending on you.

Giving up on parent outreach because one or two parents are overly critical is like giving up on a lesson because one or two students are being disrespectful. You’ve got to keep your focus on the people who are appreciative of what you’re doing. Train yourself to notice and celebrate the kids and parents who are cooperative. Keep those thank-you notes and compliments running through your mind when you get discouraged. Remind yourself, I am making a difference.My efforts are important, and they are appreciated by many people whether they express that to me on a daily basis or not.

If you don’t make a conscious effort to focus on the positive interactions and accomplishments, you will become discouraged and bitter. And that is going to show through in your tone and body language when you’re talking with that parent.

Have you ever tried to approach someone with a perfectly innocent question and before you can even get your thought out, you see they’re giving you a crazy attitude? Arms crossed, defensive posture, raised eyebrows … and you can just tell from the tone of their voice that they are already mentally and emotionally shut down, completely unreceptive to whatever you’re going to say?

You can easily become that person after a string of negative interactions with a parent. We lie awake at night replaying the conversations over and over in our head, and rehearsing all these things we wish we’d said and we’re determined to say next time. We tell the story about the conflict to all our friends, family members, and colleagues. We dwell on the negative interactions so much that all our future interactions with that parent are colored by it.

It’s almost impossible to be receptive or even neutral to the parent after constantly thinking and talking about all the ways she or he has made your life miserable. You can never rebuild the relationship as long as you’re harboring a negative, defensive attitude,and the parent is only going to find MORE fault with what you do.

I’m speaking from experience here. Don’t let that root of bitterness form in your mind, my friend, because you’re the one who’s going to suffer. It’s your motivation level that’s going to crash. Don’t do that to yourself.

Tell yourself, I am not going to mentally replay that conversation over and over in my head. It’s in the past and I’m moving forward. I am choosing to start each day fresh.

Use that train of thought as a motivator so you have the energy to keep reaching out to your most challenging parents. You don’t give up on your students, and you can’t give up on their parents, either. You are the professional, you are capable of taking the high road even when they don’t, and even though it’s hard in the moment, you will feel so much better afterward when you don’t allow yourself to be dragged down by reacting to someone else’s issues.

You always want to look back at the end of the school year and know that you truly gave your all, and feel confident that any rifts in the relationship did not stem from a lack of effort on your part. Keep doing everything in your power to make all your students’ parents feel like an integral part of their kids’ learning process.

Stop replaying the negative interactions and stay focused on the parents who are appreciative. Recognize that conflicts with parents are very normal, and it’s okay if a parent doesn’t like you. Make it your goal to earn the RESPECT of all your students’ parents, and you do that by acting respectfully and with dignity. Take care of yourself. Don’t sacrifice your health and sanity over a parent you will probably never have to deal with again once summer comes. Be kind to unkind people– they need it the most.

Angela,
I can’t thank you enough for sharing your thoughts. This is exactly what I am going through at the moment. With God’s help, I am going to put your suggestions to work in my upcoming week.
God bless you,
Joyce

I finally took my concerns to the principal when I found myself becoming unreceptive to “that parent” this year. He was very supportive, said he also had witnesses situations where she was behaving inappropriately and then had a conversation with them to let them know that isn’t the way for a parent to behave at the school. I’m doing my best to accept the apology I will never get, and to keep an open mind with her from now on.

I’m so glad your principal had your back, Teresa. You have the right attitude: don’t hold a grudge or keep thinking about how she offended you, because that negativity will be a poison to your relationship and your spirit. Forgive and move on! This will all be over in June.

This has been my year and it still seems to keep going. However, I pray about it, give it to God, focus on the students, and like you said the ones who are appreciative. In the end, God is in control and I have to remember that! Thanks for this post!

Thanks for sharing your experience. This article and other people’s comments makes me feel better as I understand I’m not the only one. Will always remember to focus on positive interactions n accomplishments.

Thank you for this article, it is what I needed being mystified at a parent’s unfriendly behavior towards me, I’m a new teacher in a preschool, and find it so disheartening that at this particular school there is lot of aloofness by the parents towards the teachers. One mom in particular (never a “hi”, and never asks how his day was, etc.) Good reminders that you can’t please everyone.

I’m so glad I found this article. It’s helping me deal with the extra conference I will have tomorrow with the parents that just don’t like me. No matter what I do, it’s never right. Too much homework, not enough homework, not enough work time, too much focus on reading, not enough focus on math, and the latest- not having a big Christmas party (although I’m sure if I planned that they would find fault that I’m not doing enough curriculum time). I feel like I can’t win. I DO have plenty of parents that like me and respect me, and I have 100% support from my principal, so I just have to focus on that. It also helps to read this article and the comments to know that I’m not alone in this situation. This too shall pass!

Greetings fellow teachers,
As you know, the “job” is hard enough as it is, then to have unrest within your own ranks can be extremely deflating. I mean, everyday I move in and out of my classroom. I carry armloads of things from home to school and then back home again; Decorations, costumes, food, rakes/shovels/hoses (we have started a garden), irises, etc. The list is long with a variety of different items (llama fiber because we made dryer balls; you know, save the planet, natural fiber, dries clothes faster, saves electricity). Bottom line we invest so much of our heart and soul! That is what makes the profession so rewarding. We are so invested, tied, linked, committed to teaching it “takes our legs” from beneath us as we strive to do the best for each student, everyday! We might be all that that child has!? We have to give it our all. Then, ouch! Ambush.
I have been teaching for almost 30 years, and I think it is time to give the parents a “report card”. As public service employees, we stand visibly, almost like sitting ducks. While the parents, did they come to Back-to-School Night, make sure their child did their homework, set the alarm, and so on? Do we, or does anyone evaluate them?
You are amazing, we are amazing! There is no one else in the world that can make happen what you make happen, and make it look so easy too! And, you do it again the next day, and so on all year! Come on people, we are amazing! Not perfect, but amazing. And, I gladly welcome a way in which to do it better. I know a lot, not everything.
When a parent just plan old “does not like me”, I compassionately reply, “I am sorry that I have disappointed you.”
Teach on! You make a difference, you are a difference!

I need this SO MUCH this year. I’m a first year teacher, and very much a people pleaser. I love teaching, but there have been days that I have dreaded coming to school because I’m worried about having an upset parent visit me or write a note. For the most part, my parents have been fantastic, but it’s SO easy to think only about the parents that are upset. Thanks for this!

Welcome! I'm Angela Watson, a National Board Certified Teacher based in Brooklyn, NY, with 11 years of classroom experience and 7 years experience as an instructional coach. I created this site in 2003 because I love sharing practical classroom ideas and helping teachers build a positive mindset so they can truly enjoy their work. Please connect with me online and join our community of educators!

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