…..Don’t study me, you won’t graduate

One of those days….

I really try to keep up this facade. I try to keep my emotions under control so I can inspire and encourage people. I’ve found that some people gain strength from me. Why? I have no idea. The strength doesn’t come from me. I’m definitely not trying to be super woman. I’m just me.

With that being said, I feel guilty or bad when I have break downs. I keep them to myself. Well, my close family members and close friends know. But I’ve realized that I’m not authentic. I’m not being true or fair to myself. I’m not strong all the time. Actually, I cry A LOT! Too much if you were to ask me. I worry. I stress about things I can’t control. I overthink situations. I’m not who people think I am. I can’t keep up the charade. It’s not fair to you. It’s definitely not fair to me. Most of all, it’s not helping us.

Now, I miss my baby. I ache for Chance. I NEED Chance. I’ve never felt an emptiness like this. My life is definitely missing a vital part. She made me complete. Brandon and Chance were ALL I felt I needed in my life. Well I was wrong. Every since God has taken her back, He’s been trying to get my attention. He’s been trying to show me that Hes all that I need. He’s been trying to show me that He’s been keeping me and that He’s been my strength. In the bible, it’s written as plain as day in lots of scriptures.

Psalms 18:1 “I love you, Lord. You are my strength”….
Isaiah 147:10 “He gives strength to those who are tired and more power to those who are weak”(definitely me right now)
Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ because He gives me strength”
Psalms 46:1 “God is our protection and our strength. He always helps in times of trouble”

Tonight, I thought about my baby. Many of you are aware of what happened. She would have been starting kindergarten this fall. Well I decided to do a drive for kindergartners. A “Chance” in Kindergarten. Since I’m not able to do for her like I would have, I decided to honor her and help raise awareness at the same time. Tonight, I walked into the kitchen and it hit me that I won’t be able to get her ready for school. I saw Brandon’s school picture on the refrigerator and started to cry. Those emotions that I try so hard to suppress poured out of me.

It hit me like a ton of bricks that she isn’t here. Now, when you lose a child, you never get over those feelings. Grief comes and goes. You may have three good months but that one moment when you can’t help but surrender to your feelings, can set you back. It takes you back to the pain. The hurt. The sadness. It never goes away, you just learn to cope. That’s where the strength comes in. That’s when you have to remember that God is still there. He’s still in the midst. Even when we don’t understand why. We have to understand that His will is always perfect. He will never leave you. During your worst times. During your best times. He’s always there. You just have to accept Him.

There is this song by Rev. Milton Brunson called, “I tried Him”. This song really helps me. Here are a few lyrics,

So heavy laden and burdened down.
I did not know just what to do
So I went and I prayed for strength to endure.
Jesus said be still.
I will see you through.

So I tried Him and I know Him.
He’ll stick closer than any brother.
I tried Him and I know Him.
He’s been better to me than I’ve been to myself!
There could never be a friend as dear to me as Jesus

…

There is nobody greater! He is always there. We just have to reach out.
He’s waiting for you…