Sunday, October 18, 2009

#2 - Dirty Dude

Because there is such a huge gap in the space between this post and the only other post in the countdown, explanation is probably required to remind everyone that I promised to post my top three crappy apartment related posts. This is number two. Obviously.

I'm sort of high maintenance when it comes to living with another person. I like things to be clean and quiet and it irritates me when those I live with don't share my vision. For that reason there have been few people I've lived with and still actually liked after the fact. One of those people is my brother. I'm not sure if it's because we were both brought up in the same place, but we've lived together on a couple of occasions and I've found him to be one of the easiest people to live with. We both have the same standards of what is quiet and what is clean and those standards enabled us to live with each other, as adults, quite peacefully. And I say "as adults" because as children we hated each other and I'm sure on many occasions my parents would have preferred we lived elsewhere.

On one such living together experience, my brother brought one of his best friends along for the ride. His name was Chonny. No, it wasn't Chonny, but that's what I called him. And the reason is only hilarious to me. Chonny, however, is not a main character in this story. Chonny was actually great to live with. He's a really nice guy, very clean, quiet, and best of all, did what I said which is a quality I enjoy in anyone, not just roommates.

Sadly for us, Chonny decided that he wanted to move out with his girlfriend(who is now his wife) and my brother and I decided, rather than look for a two bedroom apartment, we would try to find a roommate. Why I thought I could live with a complete stranger when I struggled to live with friends I don't know.

We put an ad in the paper and after a few interviews and one explanation that, yes, you did in fact need a job to pay rent, we decided on Dude*. Dude seemed like a really good guy. He was nice, he had a job, and he didn't say that our basement was the perfect size in which to practice his karate moves. Best of all, he cooked, and he was willing to cook us meals whenever we wanted. Sweet ass. So, Dude moved in.

Dude had this big stainless steel pot which soon was upon our stove simmering with sauces and soups and other delicious smelling things. My brother and I partook in sampling some of the foods and were impressed by Dude's cooking ability.

After a week or so, however, we started to notice another side of Dude. The dirty side. Until I had the pleasure of living with Dude, I had always thought the rings around the bathtubs showcased on commercials for cleaning products were greatly exaggerated for the sake of selling such products. Dude soon showed me the error of my thinking. The rings, my friends, they do exist. And they existed in my tub every day. Every day he left a ring the likes of which I have never seen and will probably never see again. I didn't really know what he did for a living but I was beginning to think it only involved rolling around in the dirt. And I really don't have a problem with people having jobs where they get dirty, or really, even if they leave a ring around the tub. What I do have a problem with is not having the common courtesy to clean the tub every once in a while. Or maybe even right after soaking in your own filth during your hour long girl bath. Maybe then.

Dude also liked to buy large amounts of meat and then leave them on the counter all day in the heat before cutting them up and storing them in the freezer. After realizing this, my brother and I thought it best to start declining the offers of free home cooked meals.

Lucky for me, my bedroom was right above his and, after a few weeks, I started to notice a distinct smell wafting from his window into mine. It was a mixture of rotten food and street people. I had to start closing my window at night.

Then came the ants. It was at that point that my brother and I thought it best to go downstairs and investigate. After a few minutes of searching, my brother came upstairs with the news that he had never seen anything so disgusting. Fast food bags and old food and spilled pop littered Dude's living quarters. There were ants everywhere. And that was only what he found after a quick inspection.

I broke the news to Dude that, because the ants were starting to make their way upstairs, he would have to clean up his mess. He readily agreed and, after about an hour of cleaning and scrubbing he came upstairs with a mop and bucket of the most disgusting dirty water I've ever seen, quite pleased with himself.

It was then that I noticed that what I was looking at was not a bucket of water, but a pot. And not just A pot but THE pot from which my brother and I enjoyed the sauces and soups from better times. Apparently the pot he often used for cooking food also doubled as a mop bucket. And, really, lord knows what else. I nearly puked.

And then we moved.

The end.

** ** **

An update on my current living situation in bullet form with tense changes:

Submitted an application of complaint to the tenant board.

Told landlord to expect a package with the court date in the mail.

Landlord said that making the complaint was "best for both parties" because the neighbors didn't think they're making any noise.

Explained to landlord, again, that I was making the complaint, not against the neighbors but against him.

Landlord repeats that me making a complaint is "best for both parties".

Confused. Is landlord tricking me or stupid?

Find a person to rent apartment.

Landlord meets person and asks me if it's ok with me if he moves in December.

I respond that I don't care when he moves in. I explain to him, again, that I would like my deposit back regardless or I am still taking him to court.

I remind him, again, that I am asking for compensation well above the deposit amount and explain, again, that I have witness reports and emails documenting his inaction towards the noise.

Landlord finally realizes what's going on. Seems surprised.

I decide landlord is, in fact, stupid.

Landlord won't allow anyone to move in because of the court action.

I remind him that it is outlined in the tenants rights that he has to allow me to fill the vacancy or he is breaking the law.

Landlord doesn't respond.

Court date is to be set next week.

In two weeks I move.

2 days before my birthday.

I have one person to help me.

Good times.

**(I'm not using his real name on the off chance that he reads this even though I'm pretty sure he can't read)