Friday, November 18, 2011

When the BP oil company hired me to write this blog, I had three (3) requirements:

1) The freedom to work pantsless;

2) A salary of $1.6 million per year

3) Time off for holidays and religious observances

Well, after some negotiation BP agreed to meet two out of three of these requirements, which is why I won't be posting next week, nor am I currently wearing pants. Yes, after today this blog will go unmolested by me until Monday, November 28th, at which point I will resume regular updates. Of course, this is a corporate blog, so I've also hired a graphic design company at considerable expense to create an image of my schedule for November:

Now, most people know that Thanksgiving is the holiday during which Americans kill and eat turkeys. However, fewer people know that Thanksgiving also coincides with one of the high holidays of my Lobster-worshipping faith. It's called "Über-Thanksgiving," and it celebrates the day when the Great Lobster descended from the Lobster Tank On High and told his followers, "Fuck working, it's Thanksgiving, just take the entire week off." And so they did, and the Great Lobster was pleased, and there was much napping and watching of television.

Speaking of watching things, a reader recently forwarded me the following video:

In which Thomas Frischknecht displays some formidable flat-bar cyclocrossing:

It's worth noting that this crash happened well below Fred "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed (which is of course 46mph). However, it does neatly illustrate another law of physics, which is that the maximum speed a triathlete can travel on a bicycle without either crashing or causing another rider to crash is 34mph. I would take the additional step of testing this theory in real-world conditions, but there's no way I'm getting close enough to a triathlete to find out. Like a spitting cobra, a triathlete can fell a victim from a distance as great as a full bike length. This means if you can see a triathlete at all, you're too close to him.

And with that, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right it means you've reached mental "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!" speed, and if you're wrong it means you'll see a commercial.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and have a Happy Thanksgiving.

--Wildcat Douchebucket

(Bjarne Riis trying to figure out how many "I"s there are in "team," and how many "team"s there are in his team's name.)

The toilet seat in a bike blog always reminds me of the golden toide awards that the SOPWAMTOS (collective?) used to award to to indusrty before the industry became 2 companies..the most memorable award to be was the Darth Vader Intergallactic domination Award which that year went to Fischer/trek/bontragerlemond-klein...no one in the crowd was willing to accept -or admit the worked there so they had to ask for former empoyees of FTBLK to recieve it and deliver... ahh those days when fixed gear meant track bike and hipsters we underclothes..(BTW snobby surely you jest when you suggesetd yesterday that you let anything between you and your bib shorts) have a good rest cycle..

Ok, I think we can all agree that using aerobars while drafting = idiot and/or triathlete

What's the consensus on riding no hands while drafting? My buddy says the fact he does it and hasn't crashed (yet) means he's such a good rider that it's safe. I figure it means he should take up triathlon.

On my ride home last night, some guy in a van honked at me, pulled alongside and yelled "You're not a fucking car!" I know these kinds of insights keep America a superpower, but I gave him the finger anyway. So I'm glad I saw the Roadman video, I'm in a much better mood now.

I agree, the $50 penalty is far too lenient. By putting the cyclist "in a comma" and thereby reducing her existential significance to the parenthetical, the perp. surely deserves a punishment more severe, and the cyclist substantial damages for loss of self esteem?

I have a roll of adhesive-backed vinyl that has the look and texture of crabon fibre. Been just sitting there whilst I tried to find a use for it. Now that I've seen the toilet seat, the wait is over. Best thing is the Mrs is out of town so I don't have to worry about asking permission!

Losing $1.6M over working without pants is totally work it. A few have it made, make the millions and still don't wear pants. Of course, I mean Larry King. Those suspenders are holding up his testicles.

He ran into the wheel in front, which knocked his wheel loose because he didn't tighten the skewer properly. If it weren't for lawyer lips (the first horseman of the Alpaca-lips), he would have done a header on the pavement. That would have been more fun to watch.

You have to look a bit closer to see wtf happened. Fred #2 rolled up on Fred #1 too fast and hooked his right side front spokes on Fred #1's left-side quick release.Peeled his spokes like opening a tin can.Then Fred #2, in flawless tridork form, screamed like a girl scout and proceeded to panic, over brake and face-plant like an enormous shithead.Can I answer any other questions?

Hey Anonymous 1:23pm-- I used to be a girl scout and let me say this: when we endo (which I personally do with alarming frequency on singletrack), we do so in disciplined scouty silence (until the whap! sound of body-slamming on dirt).

Elevate the experience with the new Washlet S400. Experience the ultimate in clean comfort with an automatic, hands-free flushing system and a sensor-activated lid that automatically lifts as you approach the toilet and lowers as you walk away. A convenient, easy-to-use remote control affords you effortless operation of our most luxurious Washlet model to date. The Washlet is designed to introduce you to a level unprecedented comfort, while delivering on the promise of maximum cleanliness. At your command, an integrated, self-cleaning nozzle extends to release a warm, soothing stream of aerated water to provide the ultimate in personal cleansing.

Crosspalms,That's funny, because riding downtown last week some douchebucket in an Audi SUV who was pulling into traffic from a parking garage loudly informed me that "You are a car, you have to wait" before cutting me off.

Whew, cruised through the quiz, (even #2 was obvious)plus the bonus question. Damn, there's a bonus, bonus? I thought my streak was over, but the force was with me this time. Must have been my new storm trooper costume.

Snobmeister general, I shall purchase your novel this Christmas. But i'm only doing it to ensure your 17 children have food on the table this winter. Unless Chronicle Books takes all the royalties, in that case, kickstarter.

The MIG (Mike's Imperial Guard) had the Manhattan bridge bike path blocked on my way home last night. I guess they were worried that Occupiers would block the bicycle traffic(?) I don't think they could do as good a job blocking it than the normal walkers, joggers and amateur videographers that are there daily.

No bills, no laws today? Something must be up. And no sign of BGW either. He seems like an Occupy Oakland type somehow, and if so I hope he's OK.Enjoy the holiday, WRM, and don't give a thought to your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to read free. Just lift your lamp beside the golden door a week from Monday, we'll be fine.

Leroy,I see by my web site that I'll be playing Mandan, ND, on the 29th. Please be my guest and I'll give you one of the Gallagher for Governor buttons I also sell on my web site. If I'd been one of those cops, I'd have laughed. And handed out buttons.

Bunch of Lob-damn boot lickers. Snob isn't getting funnier everday. The only reason I read it religiously is to satisfy my masochistic tendencies. Mind you, there are some good tips - planning on showing up late for my next solo ride. Come to think of it, I'm sure that's a recycled tip from an old post.

g-coc a loc said...Bunch of poochy ass lickers. Snob isn't getting hand jobs everyday. The only reason I read it religiously is to satisfy my multiple masturbations when my wife serves cocktails. Mind you, there are some good cocktail wieners - planning on cumming in my pants late for my next solo ride. Cum to think of it, I'm sure that's a recycled tip from an old rod in your ass.

My take on the tri-dork crash is that once he went off the road his wheel either went in a hole deep enough stop his wheel (in its damaged state) or one of the loose spokes managed to get jammed in the fork. The rider seems to me to have his hand off the left-hand brake lever when it happens. I doubt that his brakes are set up Sheldon Brown style, and if they were, I doubt that he'd be using his front brake (right-hand lever) by itself.

BSNYC-RTMS-WCRM-DOUCHE BUCKET might be headed to a beautiful cycling part of the world; and if he does, some of us will be eating our hearts out. Deal with it in a positive manner. I hope he has an amazing cycling experience to share.

Leroy, I know, I know...every time you mentionyour dog and his buddies, I see a contemporary versionof those classic images:A dog pack dressed in skinny jeans, plaid shirts and riding fixies ( with brakes). I'm not implying your dog's a hipster, of course.

...@crosspalms...thanks for the concern & while i'm in absolute empathy with the 'occupy-ing forces' throughout the country, i've 'been there, done that' years ago, as far as putting my ass on the line, literally...

...while i still believe there is a need for physical protest, my body has taken enough abuse...

...(((...speaking of which, as an aside, i suffered a physical 'impairment' recently & while i'm a-okay, i needed to re-focus for a bit...)))...

...& speaking of 'ass on the line', while some of my comments over the years deserve to go straight into the crapper, the crabon fibre toilet seat drew me back (slightly) but it was anon 2:21pm - 11/18's comment that brought me all the way back...

...while, in one sense, it was paean to the over-the-top, technologically creative aspects of 'toidy time', i don't think he/she/it was aware of just how much it was a self tribute to their very own ego & obviously over needy ass...

...having said that, i will make a brief suggestion...

...most of us, whilst not having a need for all the bells n' whistles of the aforementioned throne or even the 'high performance' luxury of the crabon fibre crapper surround, do suffer, now that winter is upon us, from early morning, freezing ass cold (almost literally) toilet seats...

...my friends, you can crap in commodal comfort with a simple, padded toilet seat (sold in any big hardware store) because "***they don't get cold !!!***"...

...to say more would be a disservice to the public service of this message...

BGW - Reading your posts is just as entertaining as WCRM/BSNYC. And now, since the Snob is vacating, I wish to add, I hope the comments section doesn't turn into the cheap podium dash that followed his last absence.

I wanted to share an erudite quote on student loan debt from Time Magazine a week or two ago:

"There's also the problem of what these graduates studied. The U.S. is not producing enough science and math majors, so high-paying positions in related fields are going either unfilled or to foreign applicants. A liberal arts education, the pride of the American undergraduate system, increasing looks like the road to financial distress."

A dog with an entourage is bad news. Y'know one or two wingmen are acceptable, but an entourage--nope.

Hi BGW! Hope you are feelin' better. On a personal note--dumped the triathlete & am getting ready to buy a used Giant hybrid to replace the Beast. Not nearly as sassy, but it'll do. Life is pretty damn good!

David Byrne lives in NY and doesn't own a car? Madness.Hey, BGW, sorry to hear about your shoulder but glad you're back and back on the bike.Frilly, nice to see you too. Are you baking for Thanksgiving?Happy and safe Thanksgiving all! Second helpings of bamboo stuffing for Hungry Panda.

My name is David, and as a David I find it hard to believe that David Byrne doesn't own a car. I don't know any other adult Davids who don't own a car. I wonder if the rest of us Davids should all pitch in and get him one. A car, that is.

wiwm--Not a chance. Although I enjoy the finer things in life, my definition of the finer things has changed a lot in the last couple of years: a really cold beer after a really hot ride, a non-windy day in the low 80's, dudes with shaved legs, etc. However, you will still have to pry my Coach bag out of my rigor mortised (?) hands.

Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your weblog and wished to say that I have truly enjoyed surfing around your blog posts. In any case I will be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!Wall Lighting

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!