Luis Suárez is a footballer. Juventus are a football club. It therefore follows that the two parties are in discussions over a summer transfer. Well, apart from the fact that no player in the group at Liverpool Football Club, least of all a striker who has been taken to the hearts of the special people who are part of this famous old football club, who the special people at this famous old football club love like one of their own, who really gets this famous old football club and its special people and the unique special people and football club ways in which it is a special football club and they are special people, in a way that is thoroughly beyond the comprehension of anyone who does not really get the football club and its unique football club ways and the special people and the famous European nights that are famous, European and nightlike. The Mill is tearing up here, so must proceed.

Liverpool are also watching Abdisalam Ibrahim, a young player who plays for Manchester City but is on loan at the Norwegian club Stromsgodset. Quite why they're doing this is unclear, as City expect him to become "a big player" in "the" "future" – but it must be worthwhile because Spurs, Everton and West Ham are doing it too, and they are renowned doers of things that are worthwhile.

Talking of Everton, this morning the Mill learns that "David Moyes' future has reached fever pitch," in a remarkable subversion of the space-time continuum. Should he leave his job in the summer, the current Wigan manager Roberto Martínez is a leading candidate to replace him, on account of a past that is yet to occur.

It's a well-known fact that no one in the history of employment has ever felt appreciated by his employer, so it's no surprise to learn that Yaya Touré feels underappreciated at Manchester City, where he is paid the paltry sum of £224,509,000,432,891.63 per week. Accordingly, he is ready to QUIT the club, unless they offer him a contract within the next four days, which will definitely happen unless he does not QUIT the club and instead STAYS at the club. "It's a pity City pay big money, but do not understand that human relations mean more than anything," said his agent, Dmitri Seluk, who has made no profit whatsoever from the astounding wages paid, but a fortune in the warm glow from good "human relations".

Barcelona have really got it in for Arsenal. After relieving them of Cesc Fábregas and Alex Song for no apparent purpose, they could soon be about to foist Alexis Sánchez upon them. Like Theo Walcott and Gervinho, the versatile forward is able to underwhelm in a number of positions, but they face competition for his salary from Inter and Manchester United.

And that's not all! Arsenal are also watching the St Etienne striker Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang, son of Pierre Aubameyang, the former Gabon international, and the younger brother of Catilina and Willy.

And still that's not all! Paris Saint-Germain could be on the lookout for a new manager, the Champions League quarter-final spot and likely Ligue 1 title delivered by Carlo Ancelotti simply not up to standard. As you'd expect, the overpowering stench of Arsène Wenger's recent success has caught the lively nostrils of the club's Qatari backers, and they're waiting to learn whether he'll join them at the end of the season.

Finally, it appears Frank Lampard will be off to the LA Galaxy, a solar system just to the left of the Milky Way. He will be joined by Florin Raducioiu, Marco Boogers' brother, Tab Ramos' pet hamster Kevin, and three of the Moomins, and together they will build unstoppable momentum for the sport of narcissball, the fastest-growing in all the universe. To beyond infinity and beyond!

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