PlanetFargo

PlanetFargo: A Civilized Movie Pitch

LINCOLN is once again stunned to find that his throne room has been replaced by an elaborate Victorian office with rich wood paneling, spacious windows, and thick ornate curtains.

This time he tries to mask his sudden surprise and strides purposefully over to his desk. He sits his rifle gingerly on top of the massive mahogany surface with a heavy metallic clunk and turns to address his chief Scientist.

LINCOLN

Listen to this: I'm toying with inventing "Theater" next. What do you think?

SCIENCE ADVISOR

Honestly, Mr. Lincoln, now that we've invented guns I strongly advise you not to invent Theaters.

Suddenly, a phone on Lincoln's desk rings. LINCOLN jumps back, startled. He looks all around until he discovers the source of the noise. Then, he stares at the phone in terror and shock.

LINCOLN

What the hell is that thing?

SCIENCE ADVISOR

That, sir, is a "Telephone." It is used to communicate over long distances. I suggest you try it.

LINCOLN (shouting at the phone)

HELLO? HEELLLOO!?

SCIENCE ADVISOR

You'll need to pick up the handle thingie on the top, sir.

LINCOLN thanks his associate with a knowing nod, then picks up the receiver. He holds it and looks at it for a moment, happy that the ringing has stopped. Then, ignoring the receiver in his hand, he leans over and shots once again at the telephone itself.

LINCOLN

HELLO? HELLLLOOO!?

The doors to the office fly open and the MILITARY ADVISOR barges in. He is wearing a Khaki military uniform, covered in mud and blood stains. He looks quite harried.

MILITARY ADVISOR

Sir, can I just run something by you? I just want to get your opinion on something. [He makes quotation fingers with his hands.] "TANKS." Hunh? Tanks, eh? What do you think?

Suddenly, the room heaves and the windows shatter with the loud crash of an explosion. Stunned, LINCOLN drops into his chair, grasping his big desk for support while the phone clatters to the ground.

MILITARY ADVISOR

It's that damn Napoleon, sir!

LINCOLN

That's enough, gentlemen, this war ends right here! [Pointing to phone] Can you get me Napoleon on that thing?

SCIENCE ADVISOR

We can do better than that, sir.

The SCIENCE ADVISOR motions offscreen to several assistants, who momentarily appear in white lab coats, rolling in a 1990s era PC hooked up to a webcam. As this is happening, the sound of prop-driven airplanes and the whistle of falling bombs can be heard in the distance, followed by explosions of increasing volume. LINCOLN rolls his chair up to the PC and looks at it, uncomfortably. Suddenly, NAPOLEON BONAPARTE -- portrayed by Danny DeVito -- appears on the screen. The grainy webcam footage is updated only once or twice a second.

LINCOLN

Bonaparte, we meet at last. How can we make things right between us?

NAPOLEON

I will declare a ceasefire for ten turns in return for New York and Chicago.

LINCOLN

New York and Chicago? Those are two of our coolest cities! [Pause.] What can I get for Miami?

NAPOLEON

...NOTHING! [Cruel laughter]

Flying into a rage, LINCOLN suddenly stands up and whips off his coat.

LINCOLN

Oh, that's it. It's on. IT ... IS ... SO ... ON.

LINCOLN kicks the computer, severing the webcam connection. He picks up his telephone and screams into the receiver: