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Category Archives: Dating

So I may be developing a crush on a white beef cake patty at the gym. He is cute and he grows on me every time I see him. I know I just made him sound hideous but he really is an attractive man. The thing is he is white. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, this girl is down with the brown. Don’t get it twisted, at the end of day I am equal opportunity dater but I am initially more attractive to a little tint.

He is tall with big broad shoulders….yummy.com…I see him 75% of the time that I’m there so he clearly takes care of himself, which I love almost as much as I love eating my rice cake with almond butter at 1pm. Normally in these kinds of situations I, like most women, want to look their best when they know an attractive man will be present in hopes of some attention, interaction, a look, a wink, anything really, but I can’t quite do that at the gym. Sure I can be one of those girls that come in with a mask of make-up and perfect hair looking like they came straight from a photo shoot, but that is ridiculous and so not my style. Plus, I make fun of those girls. I could come in wearing my sluttiest yet cute “not trying so hard” gym outfit, but with the intensity of my work outs I sweat where no man or woman should ever sweat. It is not cute or attractive so that is a major fail.

What is a Puerto Rican to do?!

I guess I could wait till I get my clear heels and start posing practice. I hear white men are suckers for clear heels. Hmm…

Yes, believe it or not I had a short stint of online dating. Hey, hey, hey before you judge me hear me out. The first time (yes, the first time) I had just moved to Arizona. They say you meet your significant other either at work or at school. Well I graduated college and I worked at a ballroom dance studio. Do I need to elaborate? The other option is through friends…my closet friend was gay. I basically set myself for an unlimited supply of girlfriends and gay affection. So I decided to sign up and see what was out there. I never actually spoke to anyone at that time because I really hadn’t decided how I felt about online dating at that point.

Then less than a year ago I decided to give it real try. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of two years and I was ready to go buck wild. I did go on a couple dates and they were usually fine. Nothing crazy or creepy. Well, remember my “beauty and the cop” post? That was my last online date as I am sure you understand why, but that was as weird as it got for me. I kind of figured if all else failed I would have some great stories to share. I really wasn’t looking for anything serious, I just wanted to get dressed up and be wooed. I do have say as fun as online dating can be, it is definitely exhausting; certainly not for the weary.

When you first sign up you starting receiving a mind blowing amount of emails. For a second you think you have hit the jack pot until you open up these messages and you see, “hey.” There is nothing more frustrating than a man who opens up the conversation with one word. Like really, what am I suppose to do with that? One time I responded with a smart ass “hi.” and I got a “what’s up?” Delete.

If you are lucky enough to receive more than a “hey”, you are probably getting something like “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” I wish I was making this up. One time I got a message that said, “wanna fuck” and his only pic was of his body in boxers. My response, “sorry, your legs are too skinny.” I would have declined his invitation regardless the size of his legs but they really were too skinny. Friends don’t let friends skip leg day folks. He eventually responded back with “wow. No wonder why you are single.” Uh huh, yep. Clearly my pickiness for leg size is the reason why I cannot get a man. Delete.

Every once and a while you come across a message that is actually enticing. But then you check out their profile and they are 45 and live in Alaska. What the hell am I going to do with that? Delete.

Personal favorite – open the message and decide you aren’t interested. The next day you receive a message that says, “what am I ugly?” Really sir? Have some self respect! Where is your dignity? If I don’t reply it is because I am not interested, get over it. Not only did I find you ugly but now you are ugly AND annoying. Delete.

When it comes to online dating, people seem to think they can get away with lying about their physical appearance. Unless if you intend on dating the blind this is not going to work. So men let me make this clear….5’11 and 6ft are not one in the same. You might be able to fool a midget but you cannot fool a 5’8″ woman who loves her 5inch heels. I’ve learned that a man who is between the height if 5’8″ and 5’11” seem to think they can get away with rounding up. Guys, we may be a lot of things but stupid isn’t one of them. I learned to go into a date expecting the shortest.

This round of online dating lasted about 6 weeks before I got burnt out. I was over trying force conversation with these idiots who had elephantiasis of the balls sitting behind a computer screen. I am sure this works for many and maybe one day it may for me, but I really hope I won’t have to resort to this again.

Why is it that we always get the guys we don’t want, but the ones we do want have a difficult time acknowledging your existence? This particular story is pretty common in my life, more so in my college days than now. Now I just hate everyone.

My first year in college I went to an all girl school. Although I had an amazing time with my new friends, I really wanted more of a co-ed college experience. So my sophomore year I transferred to St. John’s University in hopes to have an endless amount of opportunities with my tinted boys. It’s true, this girl is down with the brown.

Facebook was about a year or two old and I treated it like MySpace (aka add anyone you thought was hot to be your friend. But get the fuck away if I don’t know you now.). My summer before SJU, I was scoping out my future boyfriends and came across this one guy…I am trying to come up with a clever nickname for him but I am drawing a blank. It happens.

Anyway, I come across his profile, couldn’t quite tell how attractive he was because the picture was small and I am blind, but I saw big lips and brown skin and I figured I couldn’t go wrong. I am sure you see where this is going, but in all fairness he wasn’t completely unattractive. In fact he sold me with his personality, crazy right? We seemed to have a lot in common, I enjoyed talking to him and most importantly he laughed at all of my jokes. Clearly, things were looking up. Our conversations went on for a little over a week when he decided to claim me. Now again, I am not that easily claimable for the simple fact that I am easy to scare. You have to treat me gently; like a stray cat that you are trying to domesticate.

We had not met yet and he was telling me how he was going to make up a story how he met me in some mall to his friends. This way they wouldn’t think I am free game. Um….I came from an all girl school. I know I’ve been around a few s va-jays, but I am also not trying to lock myself down to the first dick that walks my way. Not quite my style. On top of that, I am not about making up stories on how I met someone off Facebook. It’s really not that serious and I have no shame whatsoever.

I was slightly turned off and his obsessive one after another phone call started to creep me out. Again…gentle, stray, haggard cat. Handle with care. School was approaching and I had really only talked to this guy for like two weeks. I was talking about moving into my dorm when he asked to help. Sweet, but not really. I haven’t met this guy and I’m not trying to have him around my parents. The last thing I want to do is give my dad a heart attack before he sends his sweet little daughter off to co-Ed college. And let’s be real, aside from the fact that I hadn’t met this guy in person, wasn’t even sure if I was going to like him in person, no guy needs to meet my family unless they are important. We are a small gang and if you hold no weight you aren’t coming near us.

I declined his stupid invitation and he insisted on helping me saying that my parents would love him, especially my dad. Clearly, he had no idea who my father was. This was a man who was willing to protect his babies even if it meant threatening a stupid 4th grader who harassed me all the way home from school every day. And he definitely wasn’t shy darting through traffic because he saw his 16 year old talking to some guy she liked. I mean talk about salt in my game. Never the less, my dad was not going to give two shits about this college kid and his delusional sense of confidence made me want to throw up in my mouth.

This guy never helped me move in and I immediately cut him out of him life. I’m pretty good at that. Unfortunately I saw him on campus ALL THE TIME and I fell for the stupid “feel bad for me” looks. I was guilted into apologizing for being such a bitch and he must of saw this as a sense of weakness or just that I really liked him, whatever. But he took this as an opportunity to be obsessive and clingy and I sure as hell was not going through that again. I ended that so fast and never looked back. Now that I think about it, I should have saw him as a problem when he compared himself to LL Cool J. True story.

If I could only figure out a way to get the men I want to be that obsessed with me…life would be grand.

It’s not every day you meet a quality man. In fact, it’s very rare that happens which is why I get so much pleasure in making fun of those individuals that were raised by wolves. Enter The Bronx Midge, that’s short for midget.

I was on my way home from school waiting for the 2 train when I sat next to this cute Puerto Rican guy. I didn’t really think anything of it when I sat next to him in regards to how cute he was. I was really just desperate for a seat because I had just spent the last hour buying all my text books. My bag was heavy as hell.

This cutie starts chatting me up and I normally choose to be extremely anti social, but when I realized he had a face any woman could love I turned on my lady charm. I can’t remember what we were talking about when I looked down at his hands and realized they were about the size of a 5 year old. It then occurred to me this guy may not be that tall. Story of my life.

As the train was coming in I pleaded with God for this man not to be shorter than me. If there is ever a time to call for God’s help it’s when you are talking to your hot next ex-boyfriend. Unfortunately, God was busy answering a prayer from a starving child in Africa and past up on my request. The Bronx Midge just barely hit my height.

I already committed to talking to this guy on the platform and there was no way out of it since we were on the same train and turn out to be a few stops apart. He turned out to be funny, really funny. So ok, he is funny, cute as hell and a little short. Maybe we can make this work? Nothing like a little heel couldn’t fix. I gave him my number and the following morning got a phone call from my Latin Lover asking if I wanted to hang out.

First off, nothing irks me more than a guy asking to “hang out”. I am a woman of interest not your buddy, the least I can get is some sort of invite regarding a date like situation. But fine, the conversation continued as to where we were going to go to “hang out”.

TBM: “Well, what are you doing are your place?”

Me: “um, nothing. My aunt is just cleaning.”

TBM: “Oh. Ask her if she can leave.”

Me: “I’m not asking my aunt to leave. This is her house. Plus, what are we going to do here? Play video games?”

Dead silence.

Me: “…how about you come up with a better idea and call me back?”

He was so quiet that I actually checked my phone to see if he hung up on me.

Me: “hello?”

TBM: “…yea.”

Me: “so…ookkk….?”

TBM: “…yea.”

Clearly I didn’t hear back from him. My request probably require too much work for that itty bitty midget brain to handle. In that moment I learned my lesson: Never trust a man you meet on the train. Especially, if he is going to look like your 13 year old son when you hold his hand to cross the street.

I will acknowledge that the following story exhibits some of my paranoia, however, in my defense my gut is always right.

When I first moved to Arizona in ’07 I really didn’t date much. I pretty much went to school, went to work and went home. Although that pattern sounds oddly familiar, I was definitely having a hard time transitioning. I was waitressing at this Italian place where this guy “picked” me up. He was cute but didn’t find him insanely attractive. To be honest, he was the only attractive brown person in the area and after being around vanilla all day he was practically sent down by angels.

I gave him my number and we chatted for a bit and agreed to go out to a movie with him. I regretted agreeing to this date because for some reason I just didn’t want to go. It was like torture having to get ready for this date. I was seriously coming up with every possible excuse and lie I could use to get out of this. But because my sister and mom were concerned for my well being they convinced me to just go and have fun. Fine…I went.

He picks me up in the most obnoxious rimmed out Cadillac. Seriously, he was one of those guys that thought his car was going to impress me? I’m not impressed with a car that you can’t afford and it probably isn’t his, lets just be honest. Anyway, I’m in the car, windows down and the music is blasting. If I would have known we were going to club ‘lac I would have worn my skankiest little number but I didn’t get the memo. When he did lower the music to talk he seemed super ADHD. Very sketchy and restless which made me kind of uncomfortable but I kind of excused it for nerves.

We get to the theatre, he buys me water and when we immediately sit down he tells me he is hungry and he wants a pretzel. Why he told me I have no idea. I am not sure what he wanted me to tell him so I did what felt right and gave him permission to eat. Within 3 minutes Mac Daddy comes back with nothing in his hand. I asked him where his pretzel was and he said he ate it. You mean to tell me that in 3 minutes he went on line, shoved a big ass dry movie pretzel in his mouth and just came back like nothing? My red flag sky rocketed up. This gangsta is up to something and I don’t like it one bit.

As we are watching the movie he reaches over and drinks from my water. Doesn’t ask for a sip until after he drinks from it, which at that point I could do nothing about it but be irritated. After he put my water down I made a promise to myself to not drink from that bottle again because I swore he put a drug in it. Enters Paranoia.

At some point throughout the movie I let my guard down and took a sipped. Luckily I remembered that there was a date rape drug in there so I quickly spit the water back into the bottle. If you know me at all a lot of grace went into that move. And I wish I could tell you he drank from my bottle after that and swallowed my saliva, but he unfortunately didn’t.

The movie ended and I was so ready to go. For whatever reason Crack Daddy “needed” to go back to his place to get his “friends sweater”. I took that as code for a machete. He kept pressing the issue and I kept objecting. I was new to the area and he could have taken me to Mesa and called it Scottsdale and I wouldn’t have known the difference. There was no way in hell I was going to his place to pick up a damn sweater his friend couldn’t do without. Was his friend naked at home and this was the only piece of clothing he had? Or was he hoping he could have his way with me and then spread my chopped up body through out the desert where nobody could find me. He must have begged me 10 times to go to his house and I just kept saying “I want to go home.” I know how this works, I watch Lifetime.

So I finally get my way and he takes me home. I jumped out the car so fast I don’t think the car even stopped moving. I walked through the door and I get a text, “so will I get a kiss next time?”

During the unmentionable year I went on a date with this cop. It was actually a third date. For the first time in a long time I really seemed to like someone. I loved talking to him, which we did a lot of, and I certainly wanted to spend time with him. Normally, this would freak me out and I would close the door on that one but I was trying so hard to not be such a closed off asshole and just go with the flow.

So this cop…he was an inch taller than me, very lean but overall a petite man, was divorce with a child and had a face that only a mother could love. I didn’t care, I liked him. He wasn’t the best looking guy but I enjoyed spending time with him and oddly enough I was attracted. When it comes to the height, if he didn’t care then i didn’t care. There is nothing sexier than a man with confidence and if he is standing on a stack of hunits that always helps. And that was “hundreds” if you didn’t catch my gangsta slang. Now I was unsure how I felt about the whole ex wife and baby thing. I never dated a guy with that baggage but I figured I would just see how things go…

3rd date…

Since he worked late afternoon/nights and weekends, the plan was to go see an early movie, “Ted” to be exact and then have lunch. We get in the theater, the movie starts and this little baby cop snuggles up onto my shoulder. Like, legitimately snuggled. Bitch curled his feet up in fetal position, rested his hands underneath his head and found his little nook between my shoulder and chin to rest his head.

Now lets back this up for a second, it is difficult for me to be affectionate with a man. Like I am talking, it’s a big deal if I hold a guys hand. In that moment I am letting the world know I belong to him and that is uncomfortable. So with that said, I am NOT a PDA kind of girl. And here I have this grown ass, little baby cop making a spectacle while we are watching “Ted”. Not a horror flick or a romance comedy but “Ted”.

When this happened I tried to ignore it. I was thrown off and very confused. I liked this guy, what is happening right now? He then started whispering sweet nothing’s in my ear (vomit) and then starts asking me why I am not talking. Um…excuse me baby bitch, but didn’t we come to watch a movie?!

Movie is over and it’s time for lunch. We go to a rather empty restaurant in the mall and get seated at a 6 person table. There is only two of us and this little baby cop probably weighs less than me. I get in the booth and next thing I know, my thigh is being smothered by his thigh. This asshole thought it was cute to sit RIGHT NEXT TO ME IN 6 PERSON BOOTH!

So not only is he disgusting me by invading my space but he has made it impossible for me to enjoy my lunch because I have to now eat out of the side of my mouth in order to look at him. I was trying really hard to look past this needy, psycho, skin-me-and-wear-me-as-fur-shit, but he was testing my patience. I can’t remember the exact conversation we had but he said something that implied I was his girlfriend. Oh. Hell. No. I “kindly” reminded him that he is someone I am dating and I am still single. His response, “ok….well you’ll be my girl one day.”

…excuse me while i go throw up my protein shake…

So let me get this straight, after creating a mortifying public display of affection, the little baby cop now wants to piss on me like a dog and I am suppose to be ok with this? What happened? Where did I miss the crazy flare signals?

Clearly at that point I was over trying to give it a chance. It was irritate and extremely grossed out. We were walking to the car and this couple walks past us. The guy was like 6 ft tall and his girl was a little shorter than me. He goes, “do you wish I was that tall?”