Shortarmguy’s Crazy Emails Aug07

This U.S. Air Force C-130 was flying near McCord AFB Tacoma, Washington when it collided with a bald eagle.

The C-130 and eagle landed together, but only the C-130 was still alive. The plane commander requested a change of pants!

The last picture taken before their vacation took a turn for the worse...

When the man at the auto repair shop told me that it would cost $1400 to fix my car's air conditioning, I just laughed at him and said, "I can fix it myself for a whole lot less than that!" MY MOMMA DIDN'T RAISE NO FOOL !!!!!!!

The pilot was splattered with blood.

Baby Chewbacca

The next day on vacation wasn't much better...

Quote of the Week

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me.” “

– Erma Bombeck, writer

Joke of the Week

Dear Dogs of Mine,

It seems that lately things have gotten a smidge slack around here. I feel it is time to remind you of the rules that heretofore we have operated under. You are both cute dogs, but your continued cuteness in no way negates our previous agreement. Let me remind you of a few details of this agreement.

1. In exchange for room and board, you are to guard the kingdom. That would be guarding the kingdom from any and all bad guys, robbers, serial killers, etc. Feel free to bark maniacally at any of those that should appear in the yard. Guarding the kingdom does NOT include barking maniacally at bunnies, squirrels, cows, sheep and invisible things that only you can see, especially between the hours of 5am (when I stumble out of bed to let you out) and 8am (when I actually have to be out of bed to get to work). (And let me take a moment here to remind you that the pizza guy is a potential bad guy. He is not your friend. Just because he comes bearing food does not allow him free and easy access to the kingdom. He is potentially way more dangerous than the bunnies that you threaten to tear limb from limb.)

2. All of the stuff that lives in the toy basket is yours. Everything else is mine. Yours includes squeaky balls, random bones, partially unstuffed stuffed animals and chew ropes. Mine includes any and all shoes on the floor (especially the expensive leather ones), underwear that missed the hamper, bras, socks, dishtowels, the remote, the cell phone, the legs of my grandmother’s antique chair and the vacuum. Did I mention shoes? ALL the shoes are mine. They come in pairs, not quads, for a reason.

3. The cat gets to sleep on the bed. You do not. You each weigh 50 pounds. The cat weighs 12. You sleep smack dab in the middle of the bed with all four feet spread out covering approximately 12 square feet apiece. The cat sleeps in a neat little ball covering about 2 square feet. The cat does not bring fleas into the house. You do. You, dogs, will never be allowed to sleep on the bed. Quit sneaking up when you think I’m not looking. Your 50 pounds of dogginess negates your stealth superpowers. I know you are up there!!

4. Speaking of the cat- when he hunkers down into that little mound, lays his ears back, squints his eyes and growls way back in his chest, HE IS NOT A HAPPY KITTY. Leave him alone. He does not want to play with you. What he wants to do is poke your eyes out and shread the skin around your face. He can do that, you know. Five of his 6 ends are really sharp and pointy. He has previously shown very little restraint. Clearly he enjoys smacking you upside the head with a paw full of claws. Do not aggrevate him. When he takes your head off after you have cornered him, I will let him. You have been forewarned.

5. The cat is mean. He will lead you down a path to destruction. He likes to tear around the house winding you up. He does this knowingly and intentionally. When you chase him, I will only yell at you for careening into walls and furniture. He knows this. Quit falling for it.

6. If you find something in the garbage can, assume that I intend for it to be there. Plastic tampon shells are not chew toys. Don’t eat them.

7. Also not for doggy consumption- anything you find in the litter box. This is why you no longer get to kiss me.

8. You are allowed to sleep on the furniture. You are not allowed to eat the furniture.

9. Yes, I have to leave every day to go to work. No, you cannot go with me. That’s why there are two of you, so you can entertain each other. The cat gets to stay in the house. You both have to stay outside while I’m gone. The cat does not chew things up. You do. Quit whining about it. Your porch is air-conditioned. It’s just like inside the house minus the sofa. If you’d quit chewing up dog beds, it would be just like inside the house. You have made your own proverbial bed by destroying two very expensive dog cushions.

10. I have opposable thumbs. This is why I get to be in charge. I can open cans, doors, and bags of treats. I am the only one in the house that can operate the hose sprayer. I’m also the only one with a driver’s license and a car. I win. Being cute is no match for opposable thumbs.

While I in no way wish to suppress your rightful dogginess, I feel that these very simple guidelines will allow us to continue to co-exist in peaceful harmony. Please know though, that should you choose to continue in willful violation of these rules, I WILL PUT THE CAT IN CHARGE. He has just been itching for a position in management.

Much thanks, The Human

Nice Emails of the Week

Hi Mr Swank!

I have been a long time fan of your site (3 years and counting I think). Anyhoo seeing as you provide me with amusement on a weekly basis, I decided I should do something for you. I simpsonized you!

Hope you like it

grenville nash

You are a rare breed of cool!

I have been to your site for over 4 years. Your posts and pics are inspirational to me. I really appreciate your enthusiasm for life, your love for your family and your respect for others. I have been and will continue to promote your site to friends ‘n family until you reach mid-life crisis, and if you then decide to replace your economic ride for a Lambi, I will deny I ever knew you.

Keep Rockin’Darren.

Check this out. You may have already seen it but I think it’s pretty cool. If you decide to make your own hand video the song may have to be a little different.

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has toldhim he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, youknow I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?” Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes henow has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, “Honey, please… just one more time before I die?” She says, “Of course, dear.” And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep.

Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns untilhe’s down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. “Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could…..?”

At this point the wife sits up and says,

“Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning… You don’t.”

Why men turn out how they do...

Sweet Justice!

Fun Tattoos

Quote of the Week

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, “I used everything you gave me.” “

– Erma Bombeck, writer

Joke of the Week

Best “Out of Office” Automatic e-mail Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I failto get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of theoffice. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything atall

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor’s having my brainand heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you sendme until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will bedeleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 forthe first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how manyin-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply inapproximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by yourPC for my response.

9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medicalreasons. When I return, please refer to me as ‘Loretta’ instead of‘Steve’.

Nice Emails of the Week

PLEASE ADD ME TO YOUR E-MAIL LISTS!!!

I FOUND YOU THRU MYSPACE VIDEOS

YOUR WEBSITE IS EVEN BETTER!!!!

YOU ROCK DUDE!!!

Thanks!!

Sincerely,

Rich Jerozal – “Racemoney”

Role Reversal

Approximately 60 miles (100 kilometers) from Belize City, the almost perfectly circular Blue Hole is more than 1,000 feet (305 meters) across and some 400 feet (123 meters) deep.

Not sure if this contest would be a hit in the US...

Why mommies go to Disney World!

For some reason, business has never been very good for Keith's Butcher Shop!

I am selling one of my Barry Bonds rookie cards to the highest bidder. I bought the card when I was in High School. I, for one, do not believe that Barry took steroids at any point in his career and believe he will be in the Hall of Fame someday. Here's a copy of the card.

The hole is the opening to what was a dry cave system during the Ice Age. When the ice melted and the sea level rose, the caves were flooded, creating what is now a magnet for intrepid divers. Today the Blue Hole is famed for its sponges, barracuda, corals, angelfish—and a school of sharks often seen patrolling the hole's edge.

Take me to jail!

No big deal. I sleep with my head in his litter box!

Although Ling made the shot, sadly she had to walk this way for the rest of her life.

Quote of the Week

“It is easier to make money than to save it. One is exertion; the other, self-denial.”

— Thomas Haliburton, writer

Joke of the Week

Hillary & Bill are getting ready for the 2008 elections, hiring new Interns

White House Intern Application

Greetings prospective White House interns! 2008, our program is heading into its 79th year of bringing America’s best and brightest to the Nation’s Capitol to help the “Head Lady” do her job & Bill, We expect that 2008 will be the most exciting one yet!

Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:

* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political~ endorsed by Bill scene of the hottest city in the world!* Get up close and personal with some of America’s movers and shakers!* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won’t show you! Bill will be hosting& given the tours* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential family activities!-Bill

Sound like it’s for you?

Just listen to this testimonial from a former Intern:

* “I couldn’t believe it! After only a few months on the jobanswering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefingthe president. Getting involved in executive branch affairsis just fantastic.”

Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif.

As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues.

Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at Mrs.Prez& Bill @ Whitehouse . net.gov

My social life as an intern would likely consist of:a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other internsb) reading, studyc) late nights working at the White House -Billd) late nights working the White House- Bill

Score:1 point for each a,2 for each b,3 for each c,4 for each d.Scores of 16 can start tomorrow. in 2008-BillScores of 12 and above, please call soon.Scores of 10 and below, you are not qualified, sorry.

Uncle Sam wants you! & Bill

READ THE FINE PRINT BEFORE SIGNING

Extra perks for all hire’s you will get free dry-cleaning services, Free red door clinic services and free cigars.

Nice Emails of the Week

You are too COOL

Keep up the good work….

Kamran Ahmed

Dubai – UAE

ShortArmGuy,

I read your website every week and enjoy most seeing your family have good times together. Keep up the good work. I also enjoy the jokes and videos.

This is from a friend of mine currently awaiting a Kidney Transplant Procedure. I thought it was a great reminder for people who get hung up on the little things in life and am re-printing it here with Chad’s permission:

I felt pretty silly today. Cassie and I went to Omaha today to help get a coworker’s house ready for sale because his wife, age 38, died unexpectedly a few weeks ago. I have a business meeting on Monday in Hastings so she brought a friend and we are making a weekend of it. I sat down by the pool and watched the girls swim. I also watched all the other dads that were in the water with their kids playing and having a good time. I sat and cried for awhile knowing that I can not get into the water. The tubes in my chest aren’t able to get wet. Now I was sitting there thinking about this. I am fully aware of the fact that in a few weeks a doctor is going to cut me open and perform a surgery that I may not survive. I am perfectly fine with that. In fact, I am looking forward to the chance to start feeling better and getting back to a normal life. It has dawned on me that it is the small things in life, swimming, going on a walk, playing out in the yard, all the things that I can’t do right now that are important.So as I sat there in the pool area, a lady next to me looked at me and could tell I had tears in my eyes. She didn’t say a word, we just smiled at each other. A few minutes later she got up, took her daughter by the hand, and got into the pool with her. All I could think was that I hoped she knew how precious these little things are.

Now I know that in a few weeks this should all be over for me and I will be back to normal, but do me a favor, stop and think about the little things.