so today was lame. i cant sleep so much on my mind. i miss my girls so much its really starting to affect me more everyday. now the one thing that kept my sanity in place has turned their back on me basically. i just need a break. ive poured my heart out for too many people and i end up in the same place everytime. its not fair but i guess thats where my life was supposed to go. i dont consider myself to be the best choice for anyone, i mean there is always something better, but i truly felt that i am good for her. maybe we wouldnt have worked out, maybe we would have broken up anyway. i probably will never kno the true outcome of this situation. i think i should talk to someone, maybe they can help get my head straight. at least one positive, kodiak detention is almost up! yay

yea this journal is getting a little repetative but thats what happens in my life. i met an amazing person about 2 months ago. smart, funny, stunningly beautiful. i probably let myself get too close too fast, but this person brought out a side of me that i thought that i'd never find again. hitting things off the way we did and how great we got along was amazing. i thought we had a good thing, we'd joke about being stuck with each other, and shit like that, i mean i want a relationship with her, but she is still wrapped around past shit. i just dont know how a person can go from saying that they cant wait to see me in july and that they are excited to take a trip to san diego with me and possibly crash for a while, to telling me that they think they are still in love with their ex. how come i cant avoid these fucking situations? is it too much to want someone who cares about me!? i loved feeling that someone was happy to talk to me and hear from me, now im back to being alone and miserable. i really want to just hold my kids at least i know thats one thing no one can take from me.

so officially today she told me that we cant work out, because of how we fought. what a fucking cop out. if you dont want to be with someone then just say it. or if you are afraid of what could be then say that too. dont lead a person on for weeks and then let them down, in text nevertheless. why am i cursed to be unhappy. i mean isnt it bad enough that i cant see my kids everyday? or that i am wasting away. i have no motivation. no drive for anything. i thought that what i had was good. i thought she could be good for me, i thought that one day it could be something great. i have never been a very optimistic person, and this is why. i had hope, i had faith and this is what it got me. fucking shot down. well lets see what more fucked up things can come my way

i am disgusted with myself, why i let myself get into this situation. i opened myself up again to someone i thought i could trust and thought might be good for me. but in the end it just fucked me. i dont even know what to say. i am so hurt. so let down, again. i am just sick and tired of being led around. i just want to be with someone who is good for me and wants to be with me. i dont even know what to do, or who to turn to. i have no one. i am alone. my kids are so far away and they are the only thing that keeps me going. but i cant hold them. i cant kiss them. and at the same time i cant be with their mom anymore. i am truely lost in a sea fuck. i really feel like i am going to vomit. maybe it would be good. wretch out the sickness in my stomach. FUCK THIS!

i am a mess so yet another mindless rant about my fucked up head. divorce sucks in every way possible. my future ex makes everything impossible. i feel terrible that i wont be around my girl. it physically hurts me. i really need to go to a dr about it. i feel short of breathe and my chest gets overly tense. not a healthy way of living. and i feel bad that i have dragged anothoner person into my situation. it probably wasnt the smartest thing to do but i feel so lost without talking to them. i need help. i need my life in order. i am in complete disarray.

What is my issue? So just about any time I am alone there is only one thing I can thinkof. Why will my mind not let this person go why can't I accept I will never see this person again. Or know what it could be like. I feel terrible but what can I do about it. I can't just drop all that I haveand try to persue this. I gues it's my destinyto be miserabele toward myself

its been a while ok so yea its been a really long time since ive even looked at this thing. i guess when you are this far from home it kinda gets to you. dont get me wrong im really enjoying what im doing and where i get to travel to. its shit gets to you.

so this was my first week in alaska and all i have to say is breathtaking!!!!! ive never been somewhere so clean and untouched as it is up here. i mean where else can you go and see glaciers and a flock of fucking bald eagles flying around. its simply stunning. i really wish that i could share these experiences with some people that are close to me. but thats just the thing about getting old. you have to grow up sometimes and move 5000 miles away to do what you really wanna do in life. i dont know who really is gonna take the time to read this but who cares. i needed some thing to talk to. ehh whatever.

Let the count down begin! so yesterday made one week before i leave for boot camp. kinda excited,kinda nervous with a touch of scared. its going to be the biggest change that i have ever made in my life. but i am ready for it. so cape may here i come

yet another job so tomorrow i have an interview with deluxe taxi. i hope that i can get this job. itd be a nice add of money to my pocket. very interesting though, me a cab driver hahahha. well atleast it would only be temporary til i get my shit settled with my recruiter. wish me luck guys :)

lets try this one last time! ok so my insurance company fuckin blows. i thought that since they were really nice on the phone and she helped me out with no major problems that i would have had all my right information faxed to me so that i can register the car. so i go the the dmv yesterday, stood online for only 20 mins talked to this lady for 2 MINUTES before she told me oh well this is all wrong fill this out and bring back the right paper work. i was soo pissed all day. so now i have to do it all today uhhh so hopefully i can get this shit all sorted out. cross ur fingers for me!!

it feels like everyday there is something new my parents have to try and put me down for. it always starts out the same way too " you ur gonna be 20..." and its not like it happens everyso often its an everyday thing. uhhh its really annoying and it pisses me off. i'm only 19 and when i try to lead a NORMAL 19 year old life i get shit for it. "oh ur always out so late...balh blah blah" "you have no responsibilities" "you work way to much for such lil pay"

i mean realy get off my fuckin back about this shit. i like my job. i lioke what i do. and considering that i have really NO one to go out with at night or on the weekends i think i make out pretty well when i can go out. uhhh w.e i end this nonsense rant.

i hate me i really dont kno what is wrong with me. everytihg i seem to touch i destroy. id ont kno why i really dont. i dont kno what i want when i want it or if i really want it. NO one knows how much it kills me inside to be me. i have so many things that i wish i had done differnetly. uhhh i cant stand it i really cant. how any one puts up with me i dont kno. i feel that i should be alone for the rest of my life. i am worth no ones time. FUCK ME

Supra Man haha yessss itoday is the day. my car is on its way to a mechanic finally!! i cant fuckin wait til this car is ready to go. i have had day dreams of driving this car for soooo long i just hope everything goes ok and this thing doesnt kill me::financially::