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Yoga and Shaveanass

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Okay, are you sitting down? Also, probably don’t drink anything. It could lead to an epic spit-take. I want you to imagine hell on earth… that’s right, a hot yoga studio.

Let me tell you about my first yoga class. It was at 5:30AM, and Shannon, Steven, and Christi went with me. (I was terrified)- Not sure if you have noticed this trend… I live in a pretty constant state of terror when it comes to new experiences. Yes, I know that sounds weird for someone who gets bored so easily. I should be out seeking new adventures and grabbing for the gusto or whatever that saying is. Too bad that I have a real fear of looking like an idiot, or drawing attention to myself. Okay, whatever, you know what I mean. In real life! Not on the computer. Give me a break. I realize that blogging could be seen by some as a major “LOOK AT ME!” moment. That is not the point! So, back to what I was saying. I had put off hot yoga for something like two years. Ummmm, no. Yoga? hahaha. Nope. Never. Have you Freaking seen me? What on earth makes you think I would enjoy a yoga class?

So, one day in a moment of weakness and peer pressure, Bet ya did not think that peer pressure was still going to be an issue in your mid-thirties; I agreed to go. First things first, I need a yoga mat and a yoga towel. Oh, and don’t you need a new water bottle? So, off to Target. Man, those things are expensive. I am pretty sure I will use it all the time! I am investing in my health! This is really a smart purchase. I only make smart purchases. I never impulse buy.

So, the next morning I find myself hyperventilating in my car while waiting for my friends to show up to the yoga studio. I had no idea what to expect. Then, here comes Shannon and Steven!!! Yay! Okay, time to get out of the car. You know, you could just start the car real fast and drive off, and pretend this never happened. Oh. They saw me, and they are waving for me to come on already. Deep breath. Okay. You got this.

Once inside, we take off our shoes and head into the dungeon. Holy Crap! It is so hot in here. What on earth is wrong with these people? Okay, just watch and do what whatever Shannon does! Oh, here comes Christi! Come sit by me! Unroll the mat, and spread my magic yoga towel on top. Oh, we need those blocks? Thanks. I wonder what these are for… hmmm this is strange. Why are those people dumping water on their towels? Should I be doing that? No, that seems weird to me. I am not doing that.

Then, the instructor walked in. Child’s pose. That looks easy. Oh, ouch. ummm that hurts my knee. And where are my boobs supposed to go? I can’t breathe. I am going to suffocate in my own cleavage. Phew. Glad that is over. Time to stand up. Okay, let me see what y’all are doing. Okay right leg forward, bend your knee, do what with my hip? Hold arms out. Hmm. Is this right? Well, close enough. Oh! Now we are going down on the ground. This is like a plank! I can do a plank! Oh, stand up again. Another plank? What the hell? Stand up. Back down. Why are we doing this?

Oh. I am so thirsty. Why is it so hot in here. Why is that woman still talking? What does she mean breathe? I am drowning in sweat. You want me to turn what towards what? What the hell? I can MODIFY if I want to? Ugh. This is awful? How is that girl doing that? She must be an acrobat. I bet her parents sold her to the circus. Why do people do this? Is this supposed to be relaxing? I’m just going to lay here a minute. Oh. Everyone else is standing up. I hope I don’t grunt when I get up. I really need to pee. I don’t know where the bathroom is. Why is everyone else not dying? How are they doing that? I am not doing that plank thing again. I’ll just stand here and watch. I am dying. This is awful. Quit laughing at me Christi!

And so it went for about an hour. Finally came the end. Time to Shaveanass. Okay, just lay here. My nose itches, I am going to scratch it. Oh, why is my foot tapping. I wonder if my shoes are okay. Do I need a pedicure, let me look. Oh, yeah.Totally need to get the toes done. When is this going to end? Finally!!!

So, this is what I remember from my first yoga class. Shaveanass is courtesy of Tiana’s typo, and it will forever be my favorite part of my practice. (See? I sound all yogi-ish) I have a practice. Not so much. I went like four more times. I have a class paid for, and I really should use it. Maybe Friday.

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29 thoughts on “Yoga and Shaveanass”

You started with the hardest yoga! Fantastic! Hahah. Ironically, I just left my (moderate) yoga class after not doing yoga in maybe a year. I think about my shoes too, and shaveanass is my favorite pose. Great job, hot stuff. (See what I did there?) xoxo

Hell yoga for beginners? Really! The closest I’ve ever gotten to hot yoga is yoga in my bathtub. No way am I going into some sauna sans moisture to pass out from dehydration in Stork pose. You’ve got thrill issues. 🙂 I mean that in a kind way. Can you transfer to another class? Have you done yoga before without the heat from hell, plus collective bodyheat?

You’ve got balls. Shaveanass, hah-ha-ha. So I just looked at the date. Did you finish the class? Are you a goddess? Must be. I am not worthy.

I actually went like 4 times. I can’t wait to go home and try again. I have not ponied up and found another class since. (Perhaps I am scarred for life.)
Yoga is quite intimidating for me. I have zero body awareness- and don’t know how to relax enough to get into the poses. I am convinced it would be good for me if I could just let go and allow myself to participate in the process.
It made for a good story though.

Plain old Hatha yoga is less torturous and actually good for core strength, without the sweat and dehydration factors. I do not suggest power yoga, but that’s my yoga ego talking. Spending time in poses and having a good teacher is helpful to enjoying yoga. Learning to relax is hard if you’re a “GO-GO-GO-GO-GO” person. I used to sleep through Shavasana until I learned to stay present. I did yoga for 11 years before I fell of the side of the earth. Been meaning to get back to that. I was a yoga substitute teacher. My brain seems to have shut off a wall to my yoga brain. A class might help. Not hot yoga though. I did love your story 🙂

Thank you! I really appreciate it. As a larger girl, yoga is incredibly intimidating. I enjoyed parts of it- I was very frustrated at first because I could not even handle child’s pose… It put too much pressure on one of my knees. There was no way I could handle it- I had a good teacher at one class- he and I talked about it. He recommended some different stuff. Really, I just need to get back into it and stop worrying about how I perceive I must look.

The props are incredibly helpful. A bolster during child’s pose may help you not feel so squished. Also spreading your knees, helps some too. A blanket under the heels may relieve some pressure on he knees. It’s hard to say. Every body is so different and to be thrown into a class with non beginners makes most new yoga students run and never come back. Modifications are possible in every pose, but somebody has to teach them to you. Once we pass the age of 13 does anything feel natural? Other than hormonal imbalance once a month (for me its all month long.) Body awareness comes with time. the fact that you were uncomfortable says you were aware of your knee which is a good start. Your job as your body’s owner is to prevent injury. Good job!

My yoga teacher used to laugh when I told him I did yoga in my bathtub. I wasn’t joking. I’m always soooo cold. I’ve learned to layer with dresses. I wish I had bloomers instead of fleece lined leggings.

I think babies are born with total body awareness, then we teach them to suck it up, pee in a toilet and to stop screaming when hungry. Imagine going to the store and facing an aisle full of adults in full blown toddler style tantrums because they are hungry. ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! The lizard brain take over…