Madonna and safety in the same sentence without the words ‘dental dam’.

When we discuss our Celebrity Smackdowns at our daily meeting (which consists of us drinking coffee and waiting for Ricky to go watch Mickey Mouse Club House to dance his favorite jam so we can talk in peace for about 24 seconds), we often have difficulty honing in on a celebrity that fits the weeks topic.This week, since our topic was safety, we thought we would discuss the Shamwow guy, Vince Schlomi who beat up a hooker in Miami because she bit his tongue and wouldn’t let go.That one seemed an obvious choice.But was it the right choice?

In the midst of all this confusion this week, Madonna has decided to adopt another Malawian orphan.That seems benevolent enough, right?But when we discuss our need for safety to become healthy people, how healthy is it for that child to be adopted by her?We realize Malawi is a nightmare of disease and despair.We also understand that there is a significant portion of the population who are infected with AIDS and their children are ultimately left orphaned.Yet, these children still have families and their communities are protective of them.

Our concern over the safety of the kids stems from the obvious: it’s Madonna whose morals vacillate with fads. As a therapist, I worked with many mothers who were crack whores.There were times that I would strongly recommend that her children be taken away and then there were those times that I would fight for their right to keep their child.My main concern was the child, never the adult.In our western society, we have this idea of what is right in child rearing and assume, if it appears appropriate, it is.We think if a parent can buy anything a child needs, then that child will be happy.What you can’t purchase at any store is safety.Our feelings of safety come from our parent’s ability to create a safe environment which includes the physical necessities (not luxuries) and the emotional cocoon that will ultimately shield us from the stark realities of society.

This is my beef with Madonna.Whereas she creates a foundation for Malawi relief, she does not donate to it herself.The bulk of her donations were to Kaballah. She makes a film about Malawi and the plight of the children, but how much of this is self promotion since she has only shown it at festivals and has not been released or shown on a mass scale.If you are raising money for these people, where’s the hype? She had difficulty adopting the first time and the country of Malawi was not happy with her decision to SAVE them.We think it’s pretty fucking arrogant to think that you have the answers and impose your belief on what can save people.Sure you can buy and sell the country 10 times over but if it were merely a question of money than backwards oil rich nations would be the safest places on earth.

Don’t get us wrong, we believe in adoption.We are the parents of an adopted child and at no time have we believed that we saved her.On the contrary, she saved us.And because of this we work everyday to create a life for her that is safe and healthy.This Mother Teresa bit that this bitch is pulling pisses us off and the ultimate victims will be the children. We suppose she grew tired of fucking a child so now she wants to adopt one. As you go gyrate your recently replaced hips and cheeks on your Sticky and Sweet Redux tour, I’m sure your children will feel nice and safe having twelve ninja nannies and 4 bodyguards take care of them.