Ain’t No Scandal Like A FIFA World Cup Voting Fraud Scandal

Jake ODonnell 09:38 am, November 13th, 2014

If you run a corrupt international soccer cartel, and hire an independent investigator to investigate alleged/fairly obvious improprieties in how you select World Cup hosts, and his findings don't corroborate the story you're telling the world, just omit the facts that prove any wrongdoing on your part.

Just ignore it. Talk about the other stuff that isn't so bad. Look, a bird! Squirrel! You've got a quarter behind your ear!

This is what FIFA has done with American attorney (and FIFA ethics chairman) Michael Garcia's investigation into the ways and means in which the international soccer governing body selected hosts Russia (2018) and Qatar (2022). “Today’s [report] contains numerous materially incomplete and erroneous representations," Garcia said.

"I intend to appeal this decision to the FIFA Appeal Committee."

FIFA intends to light another extremely long cigarette, cross it's legs and look directly into Garcia's eyes and say in a thick French accent, "You've got to be fugging kiddings us, Michael."

Honestly though, if you didn't already consider FIFA to be an organized crime syndicate before they blatantly whitewashed Garcia's findings to save their own asses -- it turns out you were probably right. They're more of a totalitarian dictatorship, seeing as this is the kind of shit Kim Jong Un does to appear transparent and accountable while being anything but.

You may also be asking why FIFA didn't just release the full Garcia report and not a "summary" written by FIFA executive committee chairman, Hans-Joachim Eckert. So is Garcia. He's been asking for them to do it for a month-and-a-half. No dice.

You can connect the dots as to why someone might "summarize" the findings of an investigation and not release it in its entirety. It's the same reason I used to stand by the mailbox in 7th grade, waiting for my midterm report card to come.

They should've never written those grades in pencil.

Here's what Eckert's summary claims:

- Mohammed bin Hammam, a former president of the Asian Football Confederation, was not buying votes when he "made several different improper payments to high-ranking [Confederation of African Football] officials." That's like admitting you gave $100 to a coke dealer, but telling the cops it was a "charitable donation to a new friend who seemed a little on-edge."

- "Russia 2018 Bid Committee made only a limited amount of documents available for review." Nothing to see here, people. Move along.

- Russian soccer officials gave gifts to FIFA host nation voting parties, but those gifts were "of a symbolic and incidental value," like some kookie mugs or that marshmallow gun you'd give out at an office secret Santa party.

- Australia and England both indirectly tried to buy votes but Russia and Qatar didn't whatsoever. We hate to profile a country for its recent and ongoing history of corruption and human rights abuses, but something tells us IF England and Australia broke the rules, the country building stadiums with slave labor did, as well.

- The United States wasn't found to have done any wrongdoing. Yay! Freedom and justice for all!