What is life like for a 30 year old virgin Mormon living in today's society? There is so much to share about my culture, my religion, and what it means to be an anxious white virgin.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Mormon Man Eater

OK...no more hiding...it is time to come clean

Rumors of my true identity have been circling around for years. And now...in the interest of honesty I have decided to reveal my real self to you. For some, this may come as a shock...for others...it is likely that you will be thinking..."Yeah...I've known this for years."

But before I divulge, I feel a wee little bit of back story is required. After all...this is me...and I don't do anything without a healthy dose of exposition.

Growing up I was never particularly..."desirable"...if you will. Even as far back as grade school I can remember the boys flocking in droves...away from me. I don't know why this is, but I assume it was because I wasn't attractive. I was that freckled face kid with the ears that were too big for her head and teeth that were more akin to a large rodent than a small child. Granted, a lot of kids go through an awkward stage...mine just lasted a bit longer...

Junior high and High School weren't much of an improvement. I think I went to a total of 4 or maybe 5 school dances...and 4 of those were girls choice. I wasn't popular, in fact, I was bullied from the time I was very young. I still remember my very first day of school when while riding the bus home I was relentlessly taunted by an older boy I had never even met before. I remember sitting in my seat while the tears welled up in my eyes and I actively avoided his gaze. I don't know why he targeted me...maybe it is true that bullies can smell fear. Or maybe he instinctively sense that I was the weakest of the pack and therefor saw me as an easy kill.

I wish I could say this remained an isolated indecent....oh how I wish...

So for whatever reason, it became clear to me at a very young age, and then confirmed to me over and over and over again for all the years that followed, that I was never going to be that girl. Not to be confused with those girls, but that is a different post.

I knew I was never going to be the girl that turned all the boys heads when I walked into the room. Unless of course it was to say.."Bah!! Good heavens!! What IS that thing??" I was never going to be homecoming queen or even asked to homecoming...(true story). No, my fate as it turns out was to become "the funny girl". I was to be every guys friend and NO guys girlfriend. The unintended side effects of this, as it turns out, were several fold.

FIRST

To this day I feel more comfortable with men than I do with women. I relate better to them, I enjoy the conversations I have more, and I love the low level of drama that men seem to maintain...for the most part. There is definitely a certain amount of man-drama to be found.

SECOND

Because I never had a boy telling me how pretty I was, or placing value on my appearance, I decided that in the world of physical currency, I wasn't going to be worth much on the trading floor. Instead, I decided that I would have to just develop other aspects of my personality...and so I did. I became well-read, I learned how to articulate with words and language, and I developed a wicked dry sense of humor that seemed to keep the people laughing. I also honed my performing abilities including singing and acting. All the while however, I knew that all of these things weren't going to mean a hill of beans when it came to getting asked out. I'd like to say I made peace with this reality...but that would be a total lie. I hated it, and I spent many a night crying myself to sleep while other girls were dressing up like Cinderella and being shuttled in Limos around the town by handsome boys in rented tuxedos.

So now flash forward to the present day...well...more like the past 8 years we will say.

At some point (Don't ask me when), I became desirable to the opposite sex (Don't ask me how), and men starting asking me out...a lot of men...(Don't ask me how many, I have lost count).

Living in Utah didn't hurt this phenomenon. I live in the Mormon Mecca of Dating. You can't hardly throw a jellybean without hitting another single LDS person.

So as you might expect, I became a dating machine. I liken it unto a child who has been playing with sticks and bits of twine for most of their life and then one day someone takes them to Toys-R-Us and tells them to go hog wild.

Along the way, I have met and been on dates with men from all walks of life. I have dated Pilots, Cops, Lawyers, Doctors, Actors, Students, Joe-Shmoes, Musicians, Gold Miners, and even Circus Performers. I have dated men older than me by as many as 11 years, and men younger than me by as many as *mudder mudder* years. I have dated men that towered more than a foot above me and those who I felt as though I would be able to pick up and cradle like a child. I have dated blonds, brunettes, gingers, and men with little hair left in general. I use to prefer the blue eyed ones but I have come to appreciate a pair of deep brown eyes. I could go in more detail but I think you are getting the point. If not...here it is.

I have been on A LOT of dates with A LOT of different men.

I could lie about this, but why? I guess because it isn't kosher to say that I have done this. But the way I see it, it's not as if it is something I can personally take credit for anymore than chocolate ice cream can take personal pride in being selected out of the 31 flavors. To me, this situation is neutral. I'm not attributing any of this "success" to myself...I'm merely stating facts, and the facts are that I have been on A LOT of dates.

So what has this done for me?

Well for starters I have manged to stay alive and healthy due to all the generous men who have bought me meals. Someday I hope to pay each of them back. Can you imagine receiving a reimbursement check from every girl you ever took on a date years later? Obama tax breaks would have nothing on that refund.

Also, lest you think I am some sort of using hussy, let me clarify that a free meal is never my motivation for accepting a date. I would much rather starve than go out with someone I know I am not interested in. That being said, I'm sure there has been an occasion when my starving belly spoke louder than my logic. However, in these cases I made it abundantly clear to the gentleman that I was not romantically interested him. There are some good men out there who will take pity on a starving student even if they know it is just one friend doing another friend a favor. These guys are quality.

Moving on.

I have also had my heart broken a couple of times. Two that stand out in my mind...well Three...but one of them wasn't really his fault. Still, I can honestly say that I have been "in love" before. Or rather...whatever I imagined being "in love" to be at the time.

Here is the thing though...out of all of the...let's just say numerous guys I have been on dates with, I can count on one little hand how many of those I could honestly and legitimately see myself wanting to spend the rest of my eternity with. So now it becomes obvious that at some point either I or the other party involved ended the dating relationship before we could get to that point...since I am clearly as of yet unwed.

While it is true that there have been a decent amount of men that have chosen to not pursue anything further with me after having taken me on a couple dates...I am here to admit to you today that those make up the minority of the total sum. In truth, it has been me that has ended the better part of my dating interactions.

So there you have it. After all this time I...your Anxious White Virgin confirm that the rumors are indeed true. I am....in reality....a Man-Eater.