Sunday, January 08, 2006

Such a statement full of bullshit pressure, unless you know for sure in your heart that its forever. But how do you know it's forever? And how do you know it's not forever?

I have had a few loves in my life, probably one or two before my fiancee that were more than crushes, and even though I was in the moment and I loved these guys, somewhere deep inside I knew that it wasn't forever. Marriage and that kind of commitment never came up, not only because I was quite young, but also I didn't see it was possible with those other guys.

The funny thing is now, even though I know for sure in my heart that I want to spend the rest of my life with my fiancee (soon to be husband), there are occasional momentary doubts. These doubts make me feel horrible and guilty. "Sh*t! What am I doing having doubts, I love him?!"

I suppose everyone occasionally has doubts about their relationships, and they really only become a concern when they come around too much. Maybe my fiancee has doubts about us too? Like when I blow a shit load of cash on sandals, clothes, or face creams, maybe he thinks "What the f*ck! How can she spend so much money on this stuff? Do I really want to marry this girl?"

So sometimes there are doubts, and I suppose the most stable relationships have them, I suppose it's human nature. But my doubts are wiped clean when I see him, think about hugs on the couch, jokes and giggles, morning hugs, the comfort of his warmth when I am upset and lost, and our moments of deep connection. This is when all of the doubts...well...they just float away.

Sooky la la, I know, but look isn't it this kind of deep connection with another person that we all crave? Yeah...I thought so! So stop eye-rolling!