Where is the ‘hood’ in motherhood?

“Two are better than one…for if they fall one will lift up the other.” -Ecclesiates 4:9-10

I see them. In groups, talking, laughing, relating. I usually watch them from afar, wondering their stories, how they met, how often they meet. I usually start to feel a little bit envious, like the dorky kid who never got invited to sit with the “cool kids.” I am talking about mom friends. I’ll see these groups of moms hanging out at parks. I see them meeting up at the mall or for lunch. I go to the same kiddie concert and see a huge group of them sitting together, laughing, having community with each other. I am admitting I don’t have many mom friends, well, CORRECTION; I don’t have many mom friends that are close enough in proximity to me to be able to see on a weekly basis. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have some AMAZING friends (and family), really I DO (and you know who you are too), but because of distance and schedules we rarely see each other, which is no ones fault, just the season we are enduring. So why does motherhood seem so lonely sometimes? Where is the ‘hood’ in motherhood? How do I find it?

It is slightly ironic, it’s not that you are actually ever alone as a mom, I mean, once you have a baby you literally never even go to the bathroom by yourself. It’s a different kind of loneliness. The kind of loneliness that you never knew before having kids. Do you know what I mean?

As soon as you get married and start having babies everything changes. No one warned me about feeling lonely and isolated, like you have been deserted on an island, but this ain’t a vacation. The friends that don’t have babies are still in the working, vacationing, brunching stage of life. You are in the no sleep, puke, drool, poop, pee, please say my baby is cute stage. You try to keep in touch, but lets face it, when you can’t remember when you showered last it’s hard to see their single, fabulous life on a beach in Hawaii. I suppose it is just part of growing up, you were there for each other during a certain season of your lives, then the season changes. You can still look back on all the fun times and memories that you created together, but it doesn’t make the current situation easier.

Once the visitors all ooh and ahh over your cute new bundle of joy, and the hubby goes back to work, you are officially on your own and that is a very scary thought. You are left searching for a new support system and the awkward hunt begins for a “mom friend.” You might try re-connecting with some old contacts who have had babies around the same time as you. I was blessed to have a few of my “work friends” that had babies close to me. They became my new tribe. Play dates, mom venting sessions, you name it, they were there. But what happens when one moves to another state, another might as well live in another state and another goes back to work full time?

Well, first you cry. Then you begin the hunt for friends again. Turns out this time it seems harder, exhausting actually. Finding the right mom friends is harder than getting my toddler to do something she doesn’t want to do. As the kids get older and have more activities there is less time to try to meet new mom friends. Plus, it’s the added pressure too of not only finding a good fit for you, but making sure the kids get along well. When you have babies it doesn’t really matter if the kids get along because all they do are eat, sleep and poop. But once they reach the age of two you have to start screening the ages of the other kids, the personalities, the interests. It’s all too hard, which is why motherhood ends up being a very lonely job.

I try to create a community, but I end up finding people that live half way across the country, or Los Angeles, which might as well be New York because ain’t nobody gonna drive from the OC to LA in traffic with a hungry baby just for a play date. Let’s get REAL. I tried to go to one of those mom groups but my baby ended up hating the drop off situation and it ended up giving ME anxiety, so I stopped going. Then I tried another group where the kids met weekly and the parents were supposed to meet monthly; after two attempts of the parent meet up I still wasn’t making real friends. We decided to leave the group a few weeks ago and no one seems to even realize we are missing, not exactly what I had hoped for.

I need real-life, in the flesh, mom friends. I don’t care if you breast fed or bottle fed. If you co-sleep or if you have them in the crib from day one. I don’t care if you bribe your kids with candy or never let them eat sugar. All I care about is if you love your kids, you try your best & want to have a real mom friend (it would be super helpful if you lived in Orange County too).😉

If this description fits you, then I want you to be in my new really cool club. Just kidding I hate clubs, they make people feel excluded (like sororities made me feel in college). It’s a no club, no fees, no real requirements kind of partnership. If that sounds at all appealing to you, then here’s what I’m going to do…because as a friend reminded me “If you want something done you’ve got to do it yourself” -(Sebastian from The Little Mermaid).

I’m going to start a play date, once a month to start, and if anyone is interested in joining in the fun, then you are welcome. Must be genuine, non-judgemental, honest, vulnerable, funny is a plus. Our first play date will be in May at a local park. Tell anyone else you think who may need a mom friend. Share this article. Even if you don’t live locally you could start a group meet up of your own. I am going to start a group on Facebook called The OC MotherHOOD. If you would like to join in, I welcome you. This will be a safe place to talk about motherhood, but most importantly to create a community of women that can be there for one another, in person. In a world of so much social media I think it would be nice to have a little face-to-face time instead of “FaceTime.” If you know what I mean.;)

Oh goodness, I couldn’t of wrote this better, in fact I don’t think anyone could have. You hit the hammer on the nail. We move around a lot for my husband’s work and I have great friends with babies but I’m never close to them and I struggle with mom groups too! Everyone is always nice I just never get the instant bff bound I’ve been craving. Thank you for letting me know I’m not alone and to maybe try a little harder at putting myself out there 🙂

This is such a great post, Jenny! I feel a lot of the same as you do. My husband and I moved almost 2 hours away from where we grew up and where majority of all of our friends are. They are great friends that we love spending time with but it doesn’t happen often. Finding a mom tribe around me hasn’t been easy but I am thankful for the ones I do have. Beautifully Candid

Man, can I relate to every word on this page! I would LOVE to be apart of the motherHOOD squad (all inclusive)!! I don’t live in the OC, but if I am able I wold love to spend time with women who lift each other up, inspire, and encourage!!! Sounds like my treasured friend, Jenny Rose!!! 😉 Great idea!! I know this will bless all who attend!!! oxoxoxo

I’m proud of you for recognizing the need and addressing it! I’m a mom of four kids ages 9-15 and the friends that I made when my kids were preschoolers are still a huge blessing in my life. Moms need moms. They need you as much as you need them. Take the time. Make the effort. Invest in a friendship or two. These seeds of friendship will grow and sustain you for years.

Here’s the other thing — parenting is the great equalizer. Remember that wife of a friend of your husband’s that you never could think of anything to talk about with, but is a mom now? Give her a call, meet for coffee at the Spectrum while the kids play in the fountain. You won’t believe how much you have in common now. Old acquaintances can turn into mom friends.

I wish you every success in growing your Hood – it is a very worthwhile endeavor!

From the friend who “went back to work full time” (tear) I must say I can relate, and I’m sorry you are feeling this way. I could write a novel about the struggles of being a working mom, and one of them is not having time for friends and play dates! I love you and I am extremely grateful for the precious time we do have together. This busy season shall pass, but we’ll always be friends!

Oh I know this feeling very well. I work full time and don’t get to be a part of a lot of things that other moms are doing. Plus it’s super hard to put myself out there when I do get to meet up with other moms of small kids. Thanks for being so open and honest!
We live about an hr and a half from OC and it’s is a bummer that we’re not closer, but I hope you meet up with some Amazing mamas at your new play dates!
Xoxo

Yes!! I felt like this all the time especially moving out of state! I would chase other moms down with my stroller to try and make friends! The Mom job is tough enough and without friends it is even more exhausting! I love you, Jenny! You got a friend in me and I’m proud to be part of your hood! Xoxo 😘

I have so felt this! I am right there with you. Especially being a working mom, I have the same thing, finding a community and having time to make friends on the weekend is hard! Although I think you and I are on the way there 😉 What are you doing Friday? hehe.