April Fools’ Issue: Third phase of arena upgrades to add fans

Reader’s note: This story is satirical in nature and published in a spoof issue.

The third phase of Smitten Centre renovations is beginning to get underway this month, with the last round of additions to include a front fa?ade, a revamped concessions area, and fans, an administrator said this week.

“We’re really excited about all of the new features – the entrance, the food court,” Assistant Apathetic Director for Buildings Hatin Bilson said. “But I think the greatest addition will be passionate people in the stands cheering and creating an exciting environment.”

According to projections from project masta Flan Mocha, the current budget allows for an all-glass entryway to the box office, a projection display system for advertising upcoming events, and about 1,500 living, breathing humans capable of starting chants and realizing when to cheer or boo during basketball games.

“The goal of the renovation isn’t to expand this into a 10,000-seat arena. The goal is to make this the best 5,000-seat arena in the country,” Mocha said. “And we think an important facet of that will be people using those seats and then, hopefully, producing vocal sounds of encouragement.”

To fill the remaining seats with students, the apathetic department said it will try new promotional strategies such as lining the ceiling with tanning lights and airing West Wing DVDs on the scoreboard video screen.