Before I came to know Christ, my life was filled with
fear, with social fears being the strongest. As far back as I can remember I
was uncomfortable around people. I grew up in a small house with my parents
and four sisters but most of my memories were of being alone or feeling alone.
Relationships were painful, superficial and disappointing. Growing up I felt
unlovable, ugly, stupid and insignificant.

Picture Archie and Edith Bunker of All In The Family then
you can see my parents. My father was physically abusive with my mom and oldest
sister several times and verbally abusive with me on a regular basis. There
weren�t any rules or discipline; just a lot of yelling. Every day dad found
something to yell about. He would yell if there was a hair in the bathtub, if
there was lint on the carpet after vacuuming, or a dirty glass in a clean sink.
You couldn�t have a difference of opinion without being ridiculed. It was very
rare to get a compliment. Things I said or did to be helpful weren�t good enough
so I learned to keep my mouth shut and stay out of the way to avoid getting hit.
One day in particular I was watching a Loretta Young movie where she played a
nun. She said and did all the right things. I thought to myself �What�s wrong
with me? Why can�t I be perfect? I�m trying to be perfect�.

Dad would always ask �Why can�t things be perfect�why
can�t people get along�. We weren�t taught how to get along with people. My dad
had one sibling he only saw at family gatherings and mom has a twin sister along
with other siblings she hadn�t seen or heard from in decades. Mom yelled a
number of times at dad in front of us kids, �I wish you were dead� and dad would
tell us how crazy mom was. Dad said it was mom�s fault he couldn�t get close to
us, which to me was a pretty sad excuse why he couldn�t ever give us a hug or a
compliment.

It was very rare to do things as a family. It was also
rare for my parents to socialize with friends and dad didn�t like us to have our
friends over. There were a lot of large gatherings at my paternal grandparents�
house but my memories were of sitting on the couch waiting to go home. My
sisters and I have few memories of interaction with our relatives, even the
grandparents. Affection from anybody was non-existent.

It was because of dad that I decided never to have
children. We all get traits from our parents whether we like it or not and I
didn�t want to do to my child what I felt my dad did to me � to grow up thinking
that there was no good thing about me. I couldn�t do anything right in his eyes.
When I became a Red Cross volunteer to help me get over my fears and to give
back to the world, he told me loud and clear �They could really afford to pay
people; they just wanted to find fools who�ll do it for nothing�. Whenever I
bought him a gift there was always something wrong with it. One time when he was
in the hospital I drove up from Georgia to Ohio to see him.I came walking in his room with a little gift for him and he sat there on
his bed shaking his head saying, �Boy it burns me up to see people waste money�.
I couldn�t believe it! He hadn�t seen me for a year and that was the first
thing he could think of to say to me?! And this comment coming from a guy who
couldn�t keep a dime in his pocket. When I wanted to try something new dad would
give me a verbal list of all the things that could go wrong. At first I would be
mad that he didn�t encourage me but then I thought well those things could
happen so I became afraid to try new things. Dad has caused me more pain than
anybody in my life. I felt if I didn�t get away from him I would literally go
insane.

Another big source of grief besides my dad were my two
older sisters Mary and Susan (Names have been changed). With Mary around, many
of my things disappeared. One specific time I had a wallet stolen even thought
it was hidden away. The wallet was a birthday gift that had some special
pictures in it along with the money I saved up to buy Christmas gifts. When I
told dad he yelled at me and said it was my fault but when Mary stole from him, he disowned her. And when
Susan started driving we had to go to school together. Every day there was very
little conversation if any. There were a couple of times when I was walking up
to the car after school that she drove off without me. Susan had told another
sister that she hated me from day one which was very easy to believe. To this
day I can�t think of one nice thing they ever said to me.

With social fears, school was a torture. I had been in
Catholic schools since third grade and the nuns or priests weren�t any more
encouraging than anybody else in my life. Our monsignor would yell at the kids
in the confessional so we were afraid of him. One teacher told the whole class I
was an �extremely poor reader� but never offered me any help to improve. With
Polish jokes being popular it felt like my classmates were always laughing at
me. And oral reports were traumatic. If they told us in September we would have
to give a report in January, every day until then I would be agonizing over it.
One year in particular in high school I was hoping for a car wreck or something
serious to get me out of it. I literally would rather die than have to go
through that. After the embarrassment and humiliation of giving the report where
I was obviously falling apart, I can remember only one time when a classmate
tried to give me some words of encouragement. It felt like nobody ever saw
someone like me before and didn�t know how to react.

To give you another idea how bad my social fears were,
one day mom sent me to the store for some milk.In this little store the milk was behind the counter and I had to ask for
it. The clerk asked if she could help me but I shook my head no. My heart was
pounding so heavy I needed time to work up the courage to talk to her. After a
few minutes of still shaking in my shoes I realized I couldn�t be there all day
and couldn�t go home empty-handed so I forced myself up to the counter. The
clerk didn�t hear me and I had to repeat myself. I just wanted to die. I thought
I would grow out of the social fears but even in my early twenties it was hard
for me to order in a restaurant or even at a drive thru.

Once I got old enough to drive to school I started
skipping because I was just a bundle of nerves everyday worrying that I would be
called on in class. Needless to say I was soon expelled in my senior year. I
then graduated from a business school and through the school was offered an
office position with a local company but was too scared to take it feeling that
I would be totally incompetent and would embarrass myself. And I was too scared
to look for work elsewhere�who would want me�they weren�t going to hire me for
my brains; they weren�t going to hire me for my looks or my personality. I had
nothing to offer. Eventually though I got my first job at 23. For the first
several years when I received great reviews, I would get tears in my eyes�OMG, I
can do something right, somebody appreciated me!

The first time I ever heard �I love you� was from my
first boyfriend, Ed, when I was 16. I immediately got very uncomfortable. I
didn�t know what to say or do. He was hurt because I didn�t say it back but I
didn�t know if I loved him. I didn�t know what it was supposed to feel like.
Eventually, though, because of Ed, I learned how to say �I love you�.We dated exclusively for five years and planned on getting married after
high school but by the time we were out of school things weren�t going so well.
We eventually broke up and it was the most traumatic experience of my life. I
had love and lost it. I was unloved and unlovable again. It was devastating.
Would anybody ever love me again?

Dating was extremely uncomfortable and I hated it. I was
afraid to express my own opinion, afraid the guy would think I was stupid if I
didn�t agree with him. I was afraid to be myself. So there weren�t many dates.
Being single had its perks but lying in bed at night I would have anxieties
thinking I was going to be alone for the rest of my life. Then on a part-time
job I met Jerry (not his real name). We dated a couple of years, lived together, bought a house then
got married. It wasn�t a great relationship but thought no one would ever
propose to me again and felt marriage to him would be better than being alone.
Three months into the marriage I thought �what was I thinking�?! But I believed
marriage was forever and was going to make the best of it. Pride kept me from
sharing our problems with people that I knew and Jerry wouldn�t go to
counseling. I believed things would get better with time but they just kept
going downhill and five years later after finding explicit pictures of a female
�friend� of his I told him I couldn�t take it anymore�I wanted out. It was
actually a wonderful day because that was the day I started to stand up for
myself.

It was at this point I realized there was some big lesson
about life that I hadn�t learned yet, that something huge was missing. I didn�t
know what it was or where to look for it but I didn�t want to go through life
making the same mistakes over and over. A younger sister had been happy in her
marriage and she had been going to church. Well, I hadn�t been to church in
decades and never thought I would go back again but there had to be some serious
changes and I was willing to look anywhere. I tried to get Terry to go but he
wouldn�t and after we split I thought no more putting it off. On my first visit
to a non-denominational church the pastor talked about having a hole in your
heart. �A hole in my heart, that�s what I have, a hole in my heart�. And he said
only Jesus could fill it. Somehow I knew that was right but it took me a year to
make a commitment to Jesus. I was afraid God would zap me for everything I did
wrong; afraid of what he would ask of me and I couldn�t afford to tithe. I
needed every dime and more. It wasn�t going to be a pick and choose kind of
relationship � it was going to be all or nothing. After a year of literally being
pulled back and forth, I realized if I had made the right decision there would
be a peace in my heart. So I stopped analyzing and worrying about what was the
right decision and at the age of 41 said yes to Jesus. While tearfully saying
the Sinner�s Prayer, it was the first time I ever felt a Father�s unconditional
love.

After I came to know Christ there was a huge improvement
concerning my fears. In my own strength I tried different things to help myself
like reading books, listening to self-help tapes and even joined a phobia
support group but nothing made a difference until becoming a Christian. Changes
came through reading and following God�s Word, prayer, attending a
Bible-teaching church, and being involved in Christian fellowship. Memorizing
verses was a huge help � verses like 2 Timothy 1:7 �For God did not give us a
spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-control�. There were so
many more incredible verses Jesus gave me to carry in my heart -- another one being
Joshua 1:9: Have I not commanded you?
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord
your God will be with you wherever you go.� The list goes on.

And somewhere along the line God changed my heart towards
my dad. Before I couldn�t stand to be in the same room with him. I hated him and
wanted him to go to hell. I prayed for everyone�s salvation except for his. But
when I found out hate and unforgiveness would affect my prayer life I started to
pray for him, too. I remember saying �God, I know you know I don�t mean this but
I�m going to do it because you want me to�. Sometime later down the road it
dawned on me I actually had compassion for dad. I still didn�t like him or want
to be around him but I wasn�t so eager for him to go to hell. I too would be
going to hell if it weren�t for the grace of God. I also realized that his
upbringing, which I knew little about, helped shaped who he was just like mine
did.

Another thing that definitely changed was that I didn�t
have the fear of being alone the rest of my life. I left it up to Jesus if I
would ever marry again. He knew what I needed better than I did. I still hated
the thought of dating but was only going to date Christian men. In a book I read
it talked about a guy who would pray on his dates. Some women were uncomfortable
with it, some didn�t like it at all, and some thought it was weird. I thought:
What Christian woman wouldn�t love that! I would love to find a man like that!
Never in a million years would I find someone like that. Well, seven years after
my divorce some casual friends from church set me up on a blind date with David.
I didn�t think he liked me and I wasn�t sure about him, but as long as he asked
me out I would say yes. He seemed like a good guy, different from other guys in
my past. Well, on our third date he asked if we could pray together!!! Oh my
gosh, God sent me this man. Only God knew deep down in my heart I wanted a man
who would pray on dates. It wasn�t ever shared with anyone. And knowing David
was hand-picked by God for me, it was the first time I was ever myself dating.
It was a little embarrassing having to tell David about my social fears but he
was very understanding and even dealt with some himself. We connected in so many
ways it was astounding. I had never experienced this kind of love, understanding
and commitment before. Almost two years later we were married and I felt my life
was like a sad movie with a happy ending. I couldn�t believe this was happening
to me! David is the best friend I ever had. He�s not only someone I can trust
and respect but he�s also the spiritual leader of our home, a man after God�s
own heart.

A few years later Celebrate Recovery, a Christian
approach to dealing with hurts, habits, and hang-ups, was coming to our church.
I couldn�t wait � this is exactly what I needed. Like I said earlier, there was a
lot of progress overcoming fears since becoming a Christian but I still had a
long way to go. I was stuck in the automatic mode of running from anything
uncomfortable, stuck in feeling inferior to everybody, afraid to be me with most
people. I was so tired of hiding. It was going to be embarrassing having to open
up and expose the real me but soon learned that CR was a safe place. This is
where I found the support and encouragement from others that I wanted and needed
all of my life. It was where I learned everybody had their painful secrets and
was in need of some kind of help; even those you thought had it all. Celebrate
Recovery is where I met real people.

After completing a CR step group, I felt emotionally
stronger. I learned about healthy boundaries. I learned I�m not so bizarre after
all. I felt the freedom to be me. After making a mistake, I don�t feel the need
to crawl under a rock anymore. It�s okay � I�m not stupid � I�m human. I�m not
saying there aren�t any more struggles, but that I can depend on the love, wisdom
and grace from Jesus to help me every step of the way. I still get nervous
reading out loud. I still feel uncomfortable and inadequate making conversation.
But 2 Chronicles 16:9 says, �The eyes of the Lord searches the whole earth in
order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him�.

For years I was hoping to meet someone who struggled with
social fears as strong as mine to get encouragement from them but didn�t seem to
find anybody quite like me. People like me just want to hide. Fifteen million
Americans suffer with social disorders. God can use me to help give
encouragement to them. He�s taken this scared little girl who was afraid of her
own shadow and is using me to help others. I�m proof there is healing powers in
the name of Jesus!

Jesus has turned my life around so much that when I look
back it�s hard to believe that was my life. I no longer feel useless and lonely
in a world of billions of people. My life is now filled with hope and purpose.
It�s amazing how patient and gentle Jesus was with me all those years while
guiding me in the direction He wanted me to go. He knew how fragile I was.
He
knew my story and what it would take to get me to change. Psalm 103:14 says, �For
he knows how weak we are; he remembers we are only dust.� Only a big and
powerful God could transform me like that. One of the awesome things about Jesus
is that He�ll do that for anybody if they let him!

May
the Lord bless you and protect you. May
the Lord smile on you and be gracious to youMay the Lord show you His favor and give you His peace.

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