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Thursday, 1 January 2015

Relapse

Disintegrate into nothing. But it was the realisation that even nothing was something and that just by being, meant that I was living. I was stronger than I thought, I just couldn't feel it.

Coming into the new year brings the pressure of change. The pressure that there are another 365 days ahead of you to not make the same mistakes as you did the year before.

The pressure of age, time and limits.

The pressure of chance and opportunities and the unlimited hope you can extend into 'nothing' days to be made into 'something' days.

The point i'm getting at....I'm absolutely terrified.

Lately with upcoming university offers, job changes, friendships building and some breaking...I feel like i haven't really caught a break.

I noticed that i hadn't blogged in over 2 weeks, and if i can't even do the thing that i love the most...then i had lost all motivation and ambition in my life.

I'm a struggler, I always will be a struggler.

The overthinking, the presuming, the lack to be satisfied with the now. It all adds up and sooner more than later... I crack.

I get overwhelmed with certain events going on in my life, I see and predict change that I don't want to happen and I, more than anything feel like the life around me is going a million miles an hour, whilst i'm still sitting here trying to figure out what day it is.

Little by little my faith in humanity and feeling 'normal' lessens and I start to block out any part of a life that could challenge me.

I used to think I could be stronger, that I was independent and that at the end of the day if I were to wind up alone, that I would be entirely satisfied with that.

I don't know where I changed or when it happened, but all i know is that I'm sitting at home alone almost pining for company only because i feel alone.

I wrote an article a while back about the differenced of feeling alone and loneliness.

Loneliness is temporary, and this feeling right now feels permanent. Feeling alone is a terrible thing, but as I write this for you, my viewers, I want to enlighten you to know that although there are nights like tonight, that I still know that it will get better.

The day where you no longer foresee things clearing or still hold faith in you becoming stronger is the day you have let being alone take control.

I choose to believe that you are allowed days to be alone, to feel alone, to cry for no reason and to finally let that Jenga block of problems that are building in the back of your head come tumbling down.

I, and you, are allowed to relapse.

To let strength take a break and let a weaker part of you bring you back down to earth.

To remind you that life is hard and for it to become easier, you have to be pushed down a thousand times to know that the life you want is worth feeling pain for.

Relapsing into a state of weakness and feeling alone or sad or any negative emotion, allows us to be reminded that we are only human and that even the better parts of us, cast shadows.