JUST FOR LAUGHS

Here in Singapore, we rely a lot on public transport. We take the train or bus to work, squeeze like sardines in a can to be punctual, and then endure the same crunch to go back home. And when you spend so much time in one place, you’re bound to develop bad habits.

Here are some of the worst things Singaporeans do on public transport. And don’t you blame it all on the foreigners, because a lot of these listed examples have our Singaporean DNA on it.

1. Hog empty seats – Sit 1 Get 1 Free

If you’re on the MRT train, it’s an inconsiderate person putting their handbag or shopping bags on the empty seat next to them. If you’re on a bus, then this same person is sitting on the aisle seat, steadfastly refusing to allow anyone to sit by the window. What’s with these selfish seat-hoggers?

2. Poke you with bags – In case you don’t know I’m carrying a Chanel

Why do women like carrying large, pointy bags onto a rush hour train? Not only do they take up the standing room of one commuter, they also poke painfully into the backs of others. Do us a favour – carry a smaller bag, or a softer one!

3. Crowd at the doorways – Because there’s a ghost at the back

This is legendary. A bus drive once shouted at the commuters crowding the front of the bus: “Eh, behind got ghost is it?” Needless to say, there truly must have been a ghost there, because no one moved in. This is a phenomenon only witnessed in Singapore; commuters prefer to get the breath crushed out of them by the doors, rather than move into the back of the train or the bus, where more space is available.

4. Flick hair in your faces

Many long-haired ladies are guilty of this. Have you been on a crowded bus or train and gotten slapped in the face by long hair? God forbid, sometimes it’s even wet! Dry your hair and tie it up before getting onto public transport. Your fellow commuters will thank you.

5. Make angry noises – As if anyone will do the dirty work for you

Have you encountered the ‘tsker’? The person who goes ‘TSK’ really loudly when jostled in the train, but refuses to speak up and confront the commuter they’re upset with? We have, and we say: speak up, or shut up; this train isn’t yours alone.

6. Stick their legs out when seated – Just because they can

You already got a seat. Do you really need to stick your legs out and take up the standing room other commuters desperately need? Oh yes you obviously need to, because there’s a $10,000 cash prize awarded to the person who trips the most number of innocent passengers right? Be considerate!

7. The “People’s” Elbow – Aunties’ Version

Aunties are guilty of this. Whether it’s to alight or disembark, they’ll be sure to stick their bony elbows into you just so they can be first on or off. It’s an obsession; we once got elbowed by an aunty exiting an empty train. Till this day, we still can’t figure out why.

8. Dig their noses

And flick the ‘gold’ onto the floor. It’s like people think they become invisible while on public transport, so they stick their fingers, knuckle deep into their noses, and dig ferociously. Yes we know its “sibeh shiok”, but only in private can?

9. Clip their nails – Whaat?

We’re not sure which is the grosser act – this, or the one above – but clipping your nails on public transport and dropping the clippings on the floor is like a shoutout for someone to slap you across the face. Didn’t your mother teach you anything?

10. Sleep

And not just anywhere, but across four seats, across two, or even on the floor.

Youngest Son: Tell me Dad, what is the difference between "Potentiality" and "Reality"?"Dad: I will show you.

Dad turns to his wife and asks her: Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"?Wife: Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity...Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?Daughter: Wow! Yes! he is my fantasy!So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"?Elder Son: Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars!I Would never hesitate!

So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, "Potentially" we are sitting on3 million dollars, but in "Reality" we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.

Doctor : I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)Doctor : Did you understand what I just told you?Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?Doctor : Then why are you so happy?Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!

2) MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL:Teacher : What is 5 plus 4?Mr. Bean : 9Teacher : What is 4 plus 5?Mr. Bean : Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

3) WHILE IN A DRUG STORE:Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson.Clerk : Sir, vitamin A, B or C?Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!!

4) AT AN ATM MACHINE:Friend : What are you looking at?Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee.Friend : Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)!

6) CHATTING WITH HIS FRIEND:Friend : How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok?Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't see any picture.Friend : What tape did you take anyway? Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner.

First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor : The first is that you are not disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them calmly and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention...."

TRADITION CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You sell one and buy a bull.Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.You sell them and retire on the income.AN AMERICAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.You then create clever cow cartoon images called 'Cowkimon' and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.A BRITISH CORPORATIONYou have two cows.Both are mad.AN ITALIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows, but you don't know where they are.You break for lunch.A SWISS CORPORATIONYou have 5,000 cows and none of which belong to you.You charge others for storing them.A CHINESE CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You have 300 people milking them.You claim full employment and high bovine productivity.You have the newsman who reported on the numbers arrested.AN INDIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You worship them.A MALAYSIAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.You signed a 40-year contract to supply milk at RM0.06 per litre.Then midway through, you raised the price to RM0.60 or you cut the supply.When the buyer agrees to the new price, you change your mind again and now want RM1.20.The buyer decided you can keep the milk and they go look for milk that comes from recycled cows or the cow urine instead.Your two cows retire together with the Prime Minister.

A SINGAPOREAN CORPORATIONYou have two cows.One cow-peh and one cow-bu.

- Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen McNuggets. We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

- I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said, "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

- I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

- Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

- Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photo copymachine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

I came across some weird and interesting laws from some countries.Here are some of my favourites :

AUSTRALIAChildren may not purchase cigarettes, but they may smoke them.

It is illegal to roam the streets wearing black clothes, felt shoes and black shoe polish on your face as these items are the tools of a cat burgular.

Only licensed electricians may change a light bulb. The fine for not abiding by this law is 10 pounds.

CAMBODIAWater guns may not be used in New Year's celebrations.

CANADACitizens may not publicly remove bandages.

It is illegal to kill a sick person by frightening them.

CANADA - AlbertaIf you are released from prison, it is required that you are given a handgun with bullets and a horse, so you can ride out of town.

CANADA - Ontario, OshawaIt's illegal to climb trees.

CHINATo go to college you must be intelligent.

You may only have one child, or you will have to pay a fine.

DENMARKThere is a penalty of 20kr for not reporting when a person has died.

Before starting your car you are required to check lights, brakes, steering and honk your horn. You also need to make a visual check to make sure there are no children underneath the car. FRANCEIt is illegal to kiss on railways in France.

FRANCE - ParisAn ashtray is considered to be a deadly weapon.

FINLANDTaxi drivers must pay royalties if they play music in their cars for paying customers.

GERMANYA pillow can be considered a "passive" weapon.

Every office must have a view of the sky, however small.

GREECEAll electronic games are banned.

One could not wear a hat in the Olympic Stadium in ancient times as it would obstruct someone's view.

ISRAELBicycles may not ridden without a license.

ISRAEL, Haifa It is forbidden to bring bears to the beach.

ITALYA man may be arrested for wearing a skirt.

MOROCCOAnyone in company with someone who possesses narcotics, even if they are unaware that their companion has them, can be tried for the same crime.

NORWAYLicenses must be bought in order to own television sets, and even VCRs.

PHILIPPINESCars whose license plates end with a 1 or 2 are not allowed on the roads on Monday, 3 or 4 on Tuesday, 5 or 6 on Wednesday, 7 or 8 on Thursday, and 9 or 0 on Friday from 7:00 A.M. to 7:00 P.M.

SINGAPOREHomosexuals are not allowed to live in the country.

If you are convicted of littering three times, you will have to clean the streets on Sundays with a bib on saying, "I am a litterer." This will then be broadcasted on the local news.

SOUTH AFRICA - BloemfonteinIn the days of aparthed, all people of colour had to be indoors by 9 PM, at which time a siren was sounded.

Young people wearing bathing suits are prohibited from sitting less than 12 inches apart.

SOUTH KOREATraffic police are required to report all bribes that they receive from motorists.

SWAZILANDAny woman who wears pants faces a possible punishment of having the pants ripped off her and torn to pieces by soldiers.

Young girls may not shake hands with men.

SWEDENIt is illegal to repaint a house without a painting license and the government's permission.

If you release pigs into a acornwood (or a beechnutwood) mutually owned by you and at least one more, and exceeded your quota of allowed pigs, you will have to pay a fine for each each pig to the other owners and to restore any damages caused by the extra pigs. SWITZERLANDClothes may not be hung to dry on Sunday.

You may not wash your car on a Sunday.

It is illegal to flush the toilet after 10 P.M. if you live in an apartment.

THAILANDIt is illegal to leave your house if you are not wearing underwear.

No one may step of any of the nation's currency.

UNITED KINGDOMYou may not fish on Sundays for salmon.

All English males over the age 14 are to carry out 2 or so hours of longbow practice a week supervised by the local clergy.

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - California, San Francisco It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Federal LawA US citizen can take possession of any foreign, uninhabited island, as long as it contains bird droppings.

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - FloridaYou may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Illinois, Champaign One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - New MexicoIdiots may not vote.

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - New YorkThe penalty for jumping off a building is death.

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - North Carolina, ZebulonIt is illegal to stand outside the police station for any purpose after dark.

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - TexasIt is illegal to milk another person's cow. UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - WashingtonAll lollipops are banned.

People may not buy a mattress on Sunday.

You cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday.

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Washington, SeattleWomen who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term. UNITED STATES OF AMERICA - Washington, WilburYou may not ride an ugly horse.