Hopeless, Maine Horrorscopes

Virgo: September may have been the cruelest month for you. You will survive it, but you may wish you hadn’t.

Libra: You love balance, which is unfortunate because the next few weeks will see your life spinning out of control. You have an above average risk of dying in an improbable, work-related accident.

Scorpio: This month, an illicit love affair from your past may come back to haunt you. Quite possibly in a literal sort of way.

Sagittarius: This month is all about love and money for you. Beware of anyone offering you gold, as their designs on your body may not be what you had hoped for. Turn down invitations to mysterious gatherings and offers of hairy coffee.

Capricorn: You are made of bad ideas at the moment, and are the single biggest threat to your own life until after the full moon. Then your immediate family and neighbors become your biggest death threat.

Aquarius: Now is a singularly bad time to do any serious digging. Best ignore what other people have gone to the trouble of burying, even if it is in your garden.

Pisces: You should learn a new skill this month. How to stitch wounds, detect poisonings and how to undertake an exorcism would all work well for you.

Aries: Don’t get too excited. If it looks promising now, it’s just lulling you into a false sense of security.

Taurus: The stars have aligned really badly for you this month. You may start to feel there’s just no point to anything – and you’d be right!

Gemini: Beware of falling trees, tall, dark haired men who lack for hats, and surprise chickens.

Cancer: Shipwreck foraging will lead to splinters in your hands, and these will go nasty and swell up and possibly kill you, and if not you, your social life.

Leo: Keep asking the awkward questions and you will eventually get to the truth, although you aren’t going to like the truth in the slightest.

News for the residents of Hopeless, Maine.

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