Marriage Test

Kerby Anderson

Is your marriage in the danger zone? How would you know? This
article provides a marriage test to help you evaluate your
marriage and see if you might need to obtain information or counsel
about improving your marriage.

A few years ago I addressed the issue in an article titled, "Why Marriages Fail."
The material came from PREP, which stands for the
"Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program" developed at the
University of Denver. The material was originally published in a
book entitled Fighting for Your Marriage, and has been
featured on numerous TV newsmagazine programs like 20/20.
There is also a Christian version of this material found in a book
written by Scott Stanley entitled A Lasting Promise: A
Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage.

Marriage Test

I want to extend that discussion by providing a test you can apply
to your marriage. It is loosely based on a questionnaire developed
by Howard Markman at the Center for Marital and Family Studies.
There are fifteen questions you answer by giving your marriage
points. At the end you total the points to see how your marriage is
doing. If your total is positive, you are doing well. If it is
negative, then you may need to do some work and perhaps seek
counseling.

The first three questions have to do with your background. Many of
us come into a marriage without considering our previous family and
marital backgrounds. The truth is that we are not blank slates when
we get married. Our background does have an influence on our
marriage.

The first question is about cohabitation. Living together before
marriage could signal a lack of commitment. In fact, numerous
studies show that living together can have a detrimental effect on
a marriage. Often poor communication patterns are developed in such
a living arrangement that carry over into marriage. Here's how you
score the first question. If you moved in before the wedding give
your marriage a –1. If you waited until after marriage, give your
marriage a +1.

The second question involves your parents' marriage. Poor
communication and conflict-management skills can be inherited from
parents. If your parents had a poor marriage, give your marriage a
–1. If they had a strong marriage, give your marriage a +1.

The third question involves a previous marriage that ended in
divorce. It turns out that one of the best predictors for divorce
is a previous divorce. Divorcing once could mean a willingness to
divorce again. If you had a previous marriage, give your marriage
a –1. If this is your first marriage, give it a +1.

Religion and Finances

The fourth question involves religion which can be the source of
strength or strain in a marriage. Religion provides support for
marriage and usually discourages divorce. But practicing separate
ones can add strain. If you don't practice religion, give yourself
a –2. If you practice different religions, give yourself a –1. If
you both attend church regularly, give yourselves a +2.

Question five concerns finances. Money is the number one cause of
fights in a marriage. Frequently these differences can lead to
marital disharmony or disruption. If you and your spouse fight
about money, give your marriage a –1. If you generally agree about
spending, give your marriage a +1.

The sixth question also involves finances. In particular it deals
with income. Some men aren't comfortable when the wife is the
family breadwinner. If the wife earns more in your marriage, give
yourself a –1. If the husband earns more, give yourself a +1.

The seventh question is about your current age. Simply put, older
couples are less likely to divorce. If your current age is under
30, give yourself a –1. If you are over 40, then give yourself a
+1. If you are over 60, give yourself a +2.

The eighth question is about the length of your marriage. The
longer you are married, the less likely you are to split. If you
are married less than five years, give yourself a –1. If you have
been married five to ten years, give yourself a +1. If have been
married more than ten years, give yourself a +2.

Well, that's the first eight questions. As you can see these
questions focus on all sorts of issues that engaged couples rarely
consider, but can be significant indicators of marital success.
Keep track of your score and see how your marriage is doing.
Although this is not an exhaustive questionnaire, the answers to
these questions give you a quick look at how your marriage is
doing.

Support and Family

The ninth question concerns support for your marriage. A lack of
support from family or friends for your marriage creates tension
and can cause a couple to question their relationship. Was your
family supportive of this marriage? Did your friends support your
choice in a marriage partner or were they concerned about your
choice? If family and friends disapproved, give your marriage a –1.
If family and friends approved, give your marriage a +1.

The tenth question revolves around changes in the family. Family
additions or changes can impact a marriage. Having a baby,
adjusting to an empty nest, or moving Grandma in adds stress. If
you have had a recent family change, give your marriage –1. If
there have been no big changes, then give your marriage a +1.

The eleventh question deals with conflicting attitudes. Opposing
views on key issues in a marriage can cause division. Differences
about commitment, beliefs, or expectations are just a few issues
that can affect a marriage. If you mostly disagree with each other,
give yourself a –2. If you are split about half-and-half, give
yourself a 0. If you mostly agree, give yourself a +2.

The twelfth question concerns confidence. Feeling assured that
relationships will survive anything can help couples through. If
you are doubtful the marriage will last, give your marriage a –2.
If you are pretty confident, give your marriage a 0. If you think
your marriage will never fail, give yourself a +2.

Marital Communication

The thirteenth question involves marital communication. It's best
if a couple can talk openly about problems without fighting or
withdrawing. If you always fight rather than talk about problems,
then give yourself a –2. If you sometimes fight, give yourself a 0.
If you mostly talk rather than fight, give yourself a +2.

The fourteenth question deals with happiness. Feeling fulfilled in
marriage is critical. If you are unhappy in the relationship, give
yourself a –3. If you are not consistently happy, give yourself a
0. If you are happy in a relationship, give yourself a +3.

The fifteenth question deals with sex. Being unsatisfied with
frequency or quality can create tension in a marriage. If you are
unsatisfied with your sex life, give your marriage a –1. If you are
satisfied, give yourself a +1.

Well, that's the test. If you have kept track of your answers to
these questions, you should have a score. If your score is
positive, especially if it is +5 or higher then your marriage is
doing well. If your score is negative, then you may want to work on
your marriage. That might mean reading a book on marriage,
attending a marriage conference, or seek out counseling. That might
be helpful even if you had a positive score, but it would be
essential if you did not have a positive score.

As I mentioned previously in the article on "Why
Marriages Fail," you should not be discouraged by a negative score. The research does
show which marriages might have trouble, but that does not suggest
that there is nothing we can do about it. As the book of James
reminds us, it is not enough to just believe something, we must act
upon it (James 1:25, 2:15-18, 3:13). So let's talk about what we
can do.

Steps to Change

We have been talking about marriage and helped you to evaluate your
marriage by taking a marriage test. The first few questions dealt
with our marital background. Specifically the questions focused on
cohabitation, your parents' marriage, and previous divorce. We do
not come into a marriage as a blank slate. Our previous experiences
do influence the way we interact with our spouse. Obviously, we can
change our behavior but we have to make a concerted effort to do so
or else we will fall back into patterns that may adversely affect
our marriage.

Many of our other questions dealt with the current status of your
marriage. This included such issues as religious background,
finances, age, the length of your marriage, support for your
marriage, changes in your family, conflicting attitudes,
confidence, marital communication, happiness, and sexual
satisfaction. Again, many of these factors can be changed with a
desire and plan to do so. But if we do not change our behavior then
we will fall back into patterns that could be detrimental to our
marriage.

I hope you will take the time to act on the results of this test.
Most of us go through life and go through our marriages on auto-
pilot. We set the controls and then fall back into a pattern that
is the result of our background and current circumstances. Perhaps
this marriage test will encourage you to work on your marriage.
Perhaps this test will show your spouse that there are some issues
you need to address.

The sad social statistics about divorce show that many marriages
fall apart for lack of adequate attention. Every year a million
couples end up in divorce court. Yet if you asked them if that
would be how their marriage would end, very few would have
predicted it on their wedding day.

Most people get married because they want their marriage to work.
Unfortunately, many of those marriages fail. Some fail because of
poor marital communication. If you identify that as a problem, then
I encourage you to read my article on "Why
Marriages Fail." If you want to identify other potential problems, I encourage you to take
this test with your spouse and then talk about the results. I pray
that you will use this test to alert you and your spouse to any
danger signs and then begin to change your habits and actions so
that your marriage will be successful.