29.12.06

What Do You Say to a Woman With Two Black Eyes?

Domestic battery is no joking matter. I mean, every three minutes a woman is beaten. You'd think she'd either shut up for once, or just leave the house. (lackluster rim shot/cymbal crash)

I remember twenty years ago or so, seeing the now classic Nolte/Murphy comedy 48 Hours. In one early scene, Nolte greets a couple of fellow cops, asking one of them, "How's the wife?"

"Mean as a snake," he replies.

As a thirteen year-old, this kind of humor escapes you, but seeing the film again years later, I found this remark not only hilarious, but at times I might even relate to it.

Like virtually every couple, Mrs. P and I have our occasional spats (this blog entry, for instance, might start another one). To even things up around the household, I gave Mrs. P, among other things, cutlery for Christmas. Recently, my friends Brother James, Skip and I discussed the pros and pons of such a gift:

Brother JamesI'll never give my wife knives. She actually pulled a knife on me once when she was pissed.PregoSh*t. I had no idea she had such a temper. Brother James Dude, you have no idea.Prego The worse I've been assaulted with was a flying loaf of French bread.SkipActually, if you're going to get stabbed with a kitchen knife, you're better off getting stabbed by a good one. It'd give you a clean cut, which is easier to close up.PregoThat's true. That would be easier to suture. Or if things turn out for the worse, it might make for a quicker death.

Seriously, despite being struck in the forehead with the aforementioned crusty projectile, I have never once considered striking the missus, regardless of how psychotic she might get. We also have the murder-suicide pact in place (if she considers it, she does the suicide part first).

We pretty much have our routine:

She flips out for something I deem insignificant and begins a tirarde.

I calmly tell her I don't want to talk about it.

This gets her angrier and more irrational.

I start twirling my finger around my right ear in the Internationally recognized "Coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs" sign, leaving the room.

Mrs. P goes off the deep end and follows me from room to room.

I begin to seethe a bit and a couple "Will you shut-the-f*ck-up?" begin to emerge.

Mrs. P storms off to cry it out.

I go walk the dog or something.

One of us apologizes, we may or may not have "make-up" sex... and

Rinse and repeat every three or four months.

Mrs. P is very lucky I've got the "On/Off" switch permanently set to "Off." You know the one. The one that gets switched "on" right before the police arrive to cart off the 38 year old male, wearing a tank top and a surly yet embarrassed expression on his mug. One of her relatives, however, found herself to be not as fortunate.

I can picture the scene this past Christmas Eve (a useless "holiday" that seems to matter more to the ladies than the gents, regardless of religious denomination). The National Football League must have hired the world's biggest misogynist sh*thead to do the schedule this year, because I'm sure as ferret sh*t that this wasn't an isolated incident.

The Buffalo Bills get handed yet another loss this season, as the stadium empties out 80,000 + inebriated and annoyed fans into households in the Greater Buffalo region... Among them, my wife's relative's husband.

Of course, Mrs. P wants to know how I feel about the whole scenario, to which I've resorted to giving a stock response - courtesy of comedian Chris Rock:

"I ain't sayin' I agree... but I understand...."

(Crusty loaf of Italian bread sails over my head).

Seriously, I realize alcohol is an anti-inhibitor - those of you who've bedded a 300 lb. member of the opposite sex can attest to that (cough... my brother). We've all made some dubiouos choices. I was sober when I met Mrs. P, but was three hockey beers to the wind when I proposed. Let's hope somebody gave Frank an "On/Off" switch for Christmas and taught him how to set it permanently to "off"...

You'll have bad times And he'll have good timesDoing things that you don't understandBut if you love him you'll forgive himEven though he's hard to understand...

I've been in an abusive relationship which really sucked because I couldn't begin to defend myself. Yes, I was stupid and kept going back to him.

(I would get in so much trouble for saying this, but...) A few months ago my sister-in-law scratched my brother on his bare severely sunburned skin. Well he hit her. I was of course made because all I heard was that my brother hit a woman. When I was telling a friend about recently, I said (gulp) "he finally knocked the shit out of her."

It's a very good thing you know how to set your switch permanently to "Off," and I agree with t that there's a switch in women, too.

My father's wife AKA Crazy Bitch has physically attacked him several times, spit in his faced more than once and destroyed furniture, art work and belongings of his. He has called the cops a few times, and even had her arrested once.

Their interactions start off much like you & Mrs. P, but instead of allowing him to retreat and crying it off, she flies into a psychotic rage and physically attacks, hitting, kicking, punching, slapping, scratching.

If he tries to defend himself, she accuses him of abusing her. And because he's a man and she's a woman, he's afraid people will side with her, and he'll be portrayed as the monster.

I live in fear of the day she flips out and ends up putting him in the hospital. Or worse.

Your description of your fights is EXACTLY the oppostie of what I had with my last husband. That's why I've never subscribed to the woman/man Mars/Venus thing. He was the ranter, I was the ignorer and it made him KEEEEE-RAAAAA-ZZZZZY.

Unfortunately, his switch was not turned to "off" and the police did have to come. My son has never forgiven me for calling them (he was four and his dad had pushed over a 200-pound dresser in anger), or for divorcing him, and now that he's dead apparently that's my fault too. Smoker dies of lung cancer, but me divorcing him is what *really* caused his death. Sigh. Kids.

Anyway... love reading your stuff. And I'm jealous if your $4K invisalign. I think it's because I had more trays on the bottom.

Happy New Year!! My ex husband once threw me into the refrigerator because he was 'in a bad mood'. Steak knives do have their benefits: After holding one fairly close to his face and CALMLY explaining that he would not touch me again, he got the picture. We divorced 6 years later, and I got the set of knives. Hey, you never know, right? =)