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The “What Do You Do?” Dumbass

Do you ever wonder what certain people in your office actually do? The Smartguy’s got a dumbass for you. Picture this: You’re sitting at your desk, trying to file those damn TPS reports, when you start hearing the squawking and giggling. It seems today’s subject is over talking to the boss’ personal assistant. From what you gather, she’s apartment hunting and is unsure if she wants to get a studio, or go ahead and put in the extra few hundred a month for a one bedroom. Eventually, the two decide that a one bedroom is best in case she has guests (although, who would ever want to visit this lady?), and she goes back to her desk.

Noon rolls around, and you finally pull yourself away from your desk and grab your food from the cramped, smelly fridge. When you get back to your desk with your turkey sandwich (and some of Big Mama’s special mustard), there she is again. This time, she’s sitting on the desk caddy (you know, that thing next to your desk with drawers) of your direct neighbor, gabbing on and on about last night’s Homeland, which you haven’t seen yet. You hurry to put on your headphones and blast some tunes before they tell you what inspired the Claire Danes cry face this week. Eventually, the story ends, the giggling subsides and she goes back to her desk again.

You somehow get through the early afternoon, despite three new projects being dumped on your desk, and decide to get some coffee to gear up for the late afternoon push. As you’re rounding the corner to the kitchen area, you already hear her cackling. It seems she has cornered someone else in the kitchen, and they’re talking about some boy troubles. Sigh. The person, your good friend, has that look POWs get when they’re forced to make videos talking about how great they are being treated by their captors. Your friend is trying his best to convince this lady that her story is interesting, but you can see the dead look in his eyes. He just wants to go home. You think about a rescue attempt, but you were really, rrrreeeeaaaally hoping not to hear about the boyfriend today. Your friend will understand… Anyway, you make your way around the both of them, make your coffee and get out of there, but not before hearing what you assume to be your friend hanging himself from the ceiling fan. Maybe her boyfriend is terrible because he has to put up with her all day long. If she ever shut up, maybe he’d be nice to her… just saying.

Does all of this sound familiar? Well then, you have a “What Do You Do?” dumbass in your midst. Seriously, what do these people do? Every time you see them, they’re talking to someone about nonsense. Whether it’s in the kitchen, at a friend’s desk or in the bathroom, these people seemingly refuse to do actual work. Sure, they clock in at nine and leave at 5, but did they even turn their computers on? Why are they still employed at your company? We’d all be better off if they just stayed home and called their work friends to talk about this bullshit. At least we’d only have to hear one side of the conversation. Instead, the entire office is held captive to their tyranny, and everyone now knows her useless life story.

I want you all to do something for me. Next time you see this person in your office, just ask them what they do. When they tell you their title, stop them and say “No. what do you actually do?” I bet they talk about their people skills, or the Jump to Conclusions Mat project they’ve been working on…