Dear Harlan: I’m hoping you can help. My daughter is begging my husband and me to let her sign up for Instagram and Snapchat. She has a group of friends who are all connected. We only gave her a cellphone for her to communicate with us for logistical reasons. She is 11 years old, and feels like we are the worst people in the world because we limit her behavior. She tells me that she feels left out of the group because she’s not included. We allow her to text message with friends, but have been holding firm on not allowing her to participate in social networks. It’s become a very sensitive issue for us; we’re talking all-out arguments where my daughter yells, “I hate you! You are the worst parents in the world!” Have you heard of other parents doing this? Are we wrong? — Limiting Parents

Dear Broken: She’s going to push, push and push, but you are 100 percent justified. First, there’s the legal case: According to the terms of service for both Instagram and Snapchat, the legal age to use the networks is 13 years old. That buys you a year or two. Next, there are the social implications. Yes, Instagram can make a kid feel included and connected, but according to a recent survey (search for #StatusOfMind on social media), it’s also the social network that can have the most negative effect on mental health and well-being (more than Facebook and Snapchat). The challenge is that Snapchat and Instagram are preteens’ way of passing notes and being part of a social group. Only when we passed notes, we knew who was getting the note and it couldn’t be broadcast to the world. Understanding and learning where your daughter is coming from would be my focus. Understand that it’s important to her, and make sure she knows that you know. Then, learn more about the networks. Get on Instagram and Snapchat. Understand the benefits and risks. Talk about it with her. Listen to how she processes the images and conversations. When she’s 13, you can decide what’s best for her. If the anger and resentment doesn’t stop, enlist the help of a therapist. Start by understanding and learning so you can be included, connected and informed.

Dear Harlan: I’m a first-year college student who has been on campus for four weeks. I feel like people are socializing so much more than me. I have so much homework that I don’t ever have the time. How do I balance schoolwork and socializing? I see friends on Snapchat and Instagram who are having a better time than me. I feel like I’m doing something wrong. Is this a normal feeling?

— Failing Socially

Dear Failing Socially: Everyone’s life always looks better on Facebook or through an Instagram filter. This is the problem with living in a “headline culture.” And it’s not just a college thing. We all feel it. Life in the age of Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and streaming news about people’s personal lives distorts the truth. There are two realities: There is the one you see on social media, and then there is the one people actually are living. The one on social media is filled with the best angles, happiest moments and amazing times without you. There are victories, hugs, kisses, cars, homes, trips, life moments and a little tragedy and humility sprinkled within. You are getting the highlights without the rest of the story. Do not let this world shape your reality. It’s NOT real. The only thing you know is what you know about your life. And I can promise you with 100 percent certainty that what you are feeling is the norm. Two-thirds of first-year college students admit to feeling lonely, and a third of all students feel so depressed that it’s hard to get their schoolwork done. Read “Madison Holleran’s Friends Share Their Unfiltered Life Stories” on ESPN.com, and you’ll see first-hand accounts of how headlines and reality don’t align. One of Madison’s friends shared a picture of herself smiling with a friend, which is captioned “Although I look like I’m great, everything is falling apart.” The pictures DO NOT tell the story. Studying too much is a good thing. You’re doing it right. Once you figure out how to establish regular study habits, then you can find more balance. Congrats – you are more normal than you possibly can imagine. It’s just not part of the headline culture.

Dear Harlan: In high school, I never really talked to boys or dated them, and I know in college guys have a lot of expectations for girls. How can I keep away from those expectations without being a prude about it? — Uneasy Expectations

Dear Uneasy: The only expectations are the ones you create. Guys will either meet you where you’re comfortable, or not. But give them a chance. You’ll be surprised to learn that a lot of men respect women who set clear boundaries and share what they want. You just need to tell them. The biggest problem is that everyone is so busy assuming that very few people are actually communicating. It’s just easier to assume. Making sweeping generalizations is an easy excuse to avoid dating. If you assume all men want something that you can’t give them, you can avoid all men. It’s easier to blame and assume than to share the truth. Practice. Then get back to me.

Dear Harlan: My son is always late for high school. I’m worried he will sleep through class in college. What can I do to help? Do you have any suggestions? — Helpful Mom

Dear Helpful Mom: Let him be late. That’s what happens in college. Next year, don’t call him. You’re not a wake-up-call service. Please, promise me you won’t be that mom. Some parents actually do this. This is a true story. I’ve had college students tell me about the parent who calls the roommate EVERY single morning to wake up her child. They will call every single day. They disguise their actions as doing their child a favor by getting him or her up, but it’s never about the kid. It’s a way for the parents to check in and know their kid is in his or her bed. It’s comforting to know. But that’s not a parent’s job. Buy him an alarm clock. He can set it just in case his cellphone battery dies. Then your kid can get up or not get up. If he misses class, he can talk to his professor and explain that he overslept. The same thing will happen after he graduates (assuming he makes it to class). This will be good practice for when he has to get up for a job. Hopefully he’ll figure out how to get up without you. Let him learn. You’re off the clock.

I’m 19 and my boyfriend is 24 years old. People already judge me about my boyfriend being five years older than me, and it makes it hard to focus on my relationship. I’m too distracted by what everyone thinks about this age difference. What do I do?

– Younger Woman

Dear Younger Woman,

Make me a promise. Don’t marry him until you’re at least 25. I’ll even go as low as 24 years old if you follow these guidelines:

You must create a life that fills you with happiness that doesn’t depend on your boyfriend. This means doing things you love with friends and without your boyfriend.

You must work to be independently happy while being in a loving relationship. Being happy while you’re not together is a sign that you’re a happy person.

You must always command and demand respect. If he can’t respect you and your boundaries, then you must promise to move on.

The biggest mistake younger partners make in relationships is not having a life, being dependent on a partner and making excuses when boundaries are violated. If people judge you because of the age difference, instead of getting defensive, ask them what makes them uncomfortable about your relationship. Listen, thank them, and decide if they’re right or wrong. If you can’t listen to their feedback, then it tells me you know there’s a problem. This means you should find someone else – not because of the age difference, but because you realize there is something fundamentally wrong with this relationship.

Dear Harlan,People don’t seem to understand me. I know I’m a child and a geek at heart, and I like many things that other people don’t. I try not to bring my weird hobbies into conversations (not that I think they are weird, but other people have told me they are). For some reason, this makes people think I’m an innocent person who does not know how to have fun. When I try to tell people about my hobbies and that I do have fun – just not what they would find fun – it just makes it worse. How can I convince people that I’m not someone who needs saving from herself and that I do enjoy all the geeky things I do? I feel like I have a stamp on my face telling people to help me, but I don’t need saving. – Not Looking For Help

Dear Not Looking for Help,You’re going to be frustrated for a good part of your life. Then, one day, you’re going to realize something: You can’t control other people. You’ll spend several years trying to figure this out. Some people spend their entire lifetime and don’t figure it out. It’s true. You can’t control what other people say or do. You can’t control what other people think or feel. You have no control over these people. You have no control over romantic partners, friends, family, parents and children (if you ever have them). I don’t have control over them, either. You can only control what you think, feel and do (even that can be hard). You can work to tilt things in your favor, but that’s a temporary fix. My secret is that I make people laugh. I learned to do it as a defense mechanism. If I can make people laugh, I know they’re not thinking horrible thoughts about me. When I was younger, I was extremely overweight and insecure. When I made people laugh, I knew what they were thinking – that is, until they stopped laughing. Then I would have to make them laugh again. This is how I became funny. I learned to do this because I wanted to try to control people. My humor deflected people from seeing that truth. What is the truth that you’re hiding? Why do you find it so bothersome that people misunderstand you? Instead of feeling like a target, engage these people. Educate them. Bring them into your world. Give them permission to appreciate you or not appreciate you. Teach them about your hobbies. Help them to see all the things that make you interesting, intriguing and dynamic. Don’t do it so they can like you. Do it so you can get to know them. These people are not trying to help you – they just want to understand you. Also, find someone in your corner who will always understand you. This is why therapists are so awesome. They will help you understand yourself so you can understand other people. Once you can open up and love the things about yourself that make you uncomfortable, it will be easier to share these qualities with the world. The problem isn’t everyone else; it’s how you see yourself. I relate to you. I feel connected to you. I, too, felt misunderstood and underappreciated for most of my teens. I didn’t love it. Then, I learned to love myself. Now, it’s all changed.

Dear Harlan, I have been forced to listen to talks about college for my entire high-school career – without anyone ever asking me if I actually wanted to go to college. I’ve been taught in high school to believe that without college, I won’t find success in life. Do you have any advice about being successful in life regardless of transition? – Class of 2015

Dear Class of 2015, Brilliant question. If you’re going to spend $50,000-plus a year to get a college degree, there should be some degree of self-reflection involved. I get why your parents want you to go to college. There’s hard data that says you will earn substantially more over the course of a lifetime versus not getting a college degree. College helps you build relationships, get training and grow emotionally at a place where you can safely fail. The problem is that most students don’t fail enough. They wait for life to happen and coast along. They wait for someone to force them to make life happen. And that’s why so many students are lost, confused and self-medicating. Want college to matter? Focus on what YOU want. Then, college isn’t the next thing to do. It’s about doing something you love doing; it’s about getting training and surrounding yourself with people who can help you follow a path. Most high schools do an awful job of teaching this. Currently, college prep is mostly about being wanted and avoiding crippling debt. It’s not about what YOU want. It’s not about experiencing the next phase of life. Make this next phase ALL about you. Take a gap year. Work as an intern. Surround yourself with people you aspire to become in the future. Focus on loving, accepting, and choosing yourself. Then go to college (and yes, I’m still an advocate of college). Check out the book “Choose Yourself” by James Altucher (www.JamesAltucher.com). James believes we all should choose ourselves first, then take the next step. I agree with you — high schools need to do a better job preparing students for life, not just college. That’s where I love to help. Keep in touch. I want to hear more from you.

Missed the live webinar? I’ve posted this for a limited time. This is intended for college counselors and professionals in higher ed. I’ll be presenting webinars for students and parents in the coming months!

Dear Harlan: I wanted to give you my two cents about virgins. I agree that “Still a Virgin,” who wrote to you in a recent column, needs some help in order to learn how to trust men, but I think she should be proud of the fact that she is a virgin. There are many men who want to marry a virgin rather than someone who has been sleeping around. I have a wonderful daughter-in-law who was a virgin when she married my son at 39. They have raised two children who have good morals and are contributing to our society. Don’t put anyone down for being a virgin. It is God’s plan for humanity that both the man and woman be virgins when they marry. – Joan

Hi Joan: I hear you, Joan. Really, anyone can find sex. You can ask for it, pay for it (legally) or put yourself in a room with desperate people looking for it. Sex is available for all. The idea of waiting is very attractive. “Still a Virgin” is desirable and dateable. I was speaking at a college the other day, and a woman asked me if men will be turned off because she’s a virgin. I explained that men looking for sex might be — but that’s fine. They can have sex with someone else or by themselves. Being a virgin can be exciting and interesting. Not having sex means getting to know someone before having sex. It also means discovering if someone wants to date you or just have sex with you. Time filters out the users and abusers. Being a virgin can be empowering. She came up to me after the event and thanked me. She said it made her feel much more comfortable — it just seems like everyone is having sex. We live in a world where everyone thinks sex is just what you do — but not having sex also is something to do. Virgins should be loud, proud and comfortable sharing the truth and themselves with the right partner.

Dear Harlan: I’m a senior in college and the managing editor of my university’s newspaper. I feel it’s my duty as a journalist to always be honest, but I also realize that there could be social repercussions for turning in a roommate who is smoking pot. Marijuana is not legal in the state where I live. I recently moved my stuff into my new apartment and stayed one night before returning home. That night, I smelled marijuana coming from the room next to mine. My roommate was out of town, and her cousin and another girl are staying there temporarily. I feel like I should report it to the apartment complex, but I don’t want to risk pissing off my roommates. I’ve met only one so far, and I met the girl who was smoking. I’ve never smoked, and it makes me uncomfortable. Should I turn her in? I feel like my roommate probably is a pothead, too, or at least condones it, if she lets her cousin smoke in her room. The worst part is that she could get in trouble for letting non-tenants stay there. I would not report my roommate without proof, but I also can’t let this go on in my home away from home. I deserve to live and work with peace of mind. Again, as a journalist I feel I can’t live with this person or let it go on without being honest about it. That girl shouldn’t even be there. Should I turn her in and risk the wrath of my roommates and peers? How should I go about this? – Airing it Out

Dear Airing it Out: Yes, she’s breaking the law, but so is everyone under 21 who illegally sips a beer. Do you report them? How about people who smuggle bagels and bananas out of the cafeteria? Let’s be honest: Reporting your roommate before talking to her is not about protecting the law — it’s about protecting yourself. You don’t want to feel uncomfortable. But being a journalist means discussing difficult issues. And being a respectful roommate means honestly discussing uncomfortable situations. So, talk about it. Don’t threaten or accuse her. Investigate. You might discover that her cousin needs medical marijuana (not likely, but possible). You might learn that your roommate had no idea this happened and is pissed. Talk to your roommate before reporting it. That’s the respectful reporter-like thing to do.