January 7, 2009

Driving home late one evening, about 2 weeks before Christmas 2008, I felt a stirring within me. I was having a quiet driving conversation with the Lord and I was telling the Lord how Christmas has become a season for self-centeredness and consumerism.

How it was easy to lose the real reason of the season when the preparation of the heart involves looking at physical gifts, expensive gadgets and awesome parties, to name a few.

Since I was talking with the Lord, I asked the Lord what gift He would give me.

I started naming those gadgets I had been salivating for quite some time now:

Xperia – yes Lord, that is such a nice phone and wow all the features are really good.

OMNIA – wow Lord that is also nice..

iPhone – that one too… wow just one of those cool nifty gadgets and I knew it would be a real awesome break!

But then I felt the Lord asking me a question: ” If I were to come wrapped in a present, WOULD I BE ENOUGH AS A GIFT?”

There was a pause. “Am I Enough?”

The following morning, I shared this conversation with Wifey over breakfast. It was a very powerful reminder that the real reason for the season is not those cool laptops, cellphones, parties etc… the real reason is JESUS HIMSELF. He is the gift.

Little did I know that when the Lord asked me that question, He was already preparing me or giving me what I would need as we experienced what I have called “the bleakest period” of my life in recent years.

The huge problem is still not over. I can already begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was asked by a friend how I was doing and that simple question became such a profound question that it literally hurt inside as I tried to answer the simple question.

On the eve of Christmas day, I found myself staring at the horrors of pride and un-forgiveness. Pride does hurt and makes the righteous fall. Unforgiveness makes one sink deeper than what is imaginable.

I remember driving home with Wifey a little past midnight… with tears literally blinding my eyes. And as I drove, I heard the question “Am I Enough? Am I enough?” being asked of me. It was not asked in a condemnatory way but I knew that answering that question would give me the strength to make it through the deepest valleys.

As each day slowly progressed, as each painful moment was slowly played out – I found myself answering “Yes, you are enough! Yes, you are enough!

I didn’t want anything else. I didn’t long for the parties and the sumptious dinners. No I did not want anything else – not even the solution to our dilemma. I only wanted Christ.

On Christmas day, like a bruised reed, I got up from bed and with no schedule for the day, just watched FOX news as they showed the Christmas sermon of Ptr. Rick Warren. I briefly smiled when he started using Hebrews 11:6, a passage I had used for one of the retreats I had conducted recently.

But what really struck me was when he said ” Do not exert too much energy focusing on the solutions to your problems… focus on WHO HE IS. FOCUS on CHRIST alone…”

It was definitely a message for me. I was too weak and too hurt to find any solution – and that was the perfect state to just seek Christ alone. Lord, yes you are enough. You are more than enough!

We are almost there, but not quite. The other night I felt like I went through an extensive open heart surgery. It was clearly needed – and the heart can only be healed through such an extensive heart operation. I even praised God for allowing it to happen. The “heart stitches” have been done – and in its most fragile state, utmost tenderness must be done to ensure its proper healing in the days to come.

Yes… our healing is on its way.

Yesterday as Wifey and I went to the mall to get some of our groceries, I was very surprised to hear the Christmas songs still being played in the mall. I missed Christmas. It all just came and went. It was a long vacation here in this country – made longer in our anticipation to see the end of what we were going through.

I found myself humming the songs “O Holy Night…”, ‘Come All ye Faithful…”

I was singing again. My wounded heart is able to sing again – and it was my wife who quietly pointed it out to me when she said “Hubby is singing again…”

I smiled quietly.

Yes Lord… thank you.. You are the only Christmas gift I would ever want in this lifetime.

May 29, 2008

Exactly 22 years ago, at 4PM, I underwent the baptismal ceremony. Ptr. Romeo Pusta, our pastor in WCG Marikina then, baptized me in his bath tub in their house in Provident Village.

It has been 22 years. What an amazing journey that started eversince i got to know Jesus Christ when my mother taught us how to pray for even the smallest of things. Of my mother reading to us the Bible stories on friday nights then my brother would play the piano and we would gather to sing the hymns. All of these activities were not wasted, but rather connecting paths that would eventually lead to my knowing Him. I surrendered to Him when I was a senior in highschool when a gracious English teacher named Mila Concepcion shared the gospel with me. I remember crying at the initial realization of God’s love for me. I did not know that at that time, a good friend in highschool who became a christian the year before, had prayed for my salvation.

Thank you Lord for this day. Thank you for the Church. Thank you for the people you surrounded me with to share with me the depth of your love. Thank you for the faith of my Mom, who in the earliest of my years demonstrated a life that stubbornly held on to her faith in you despite the many trials growing up.

Thank you Lord for being my God. Teach me to surrender this life daily. Cause me to render worthless the things that may seem significant but only take away my focus from you.

Cause me to live by, through and in faith and not by my sight.

It has been 22 years. It seems long but in reality it is just a blip of a second from your eternal perspective.

The journey has been really profound and thank you for allowing us to know where it will end.

March 30, 2008

“Why do I meditate?

Because I am a Christian. Therefore, every day in which I do not penetrate more deeply into the knowledge of God’s Word in Holy Scripture is a lost day for me. I can only move forward with certainty upon the firm ground of the Word of God.”