Overcoming Loneliness

Loneliness can take root deeply within you. Maybe your daily routine is punctuated by this pain emanating from an emptiness in your chest. If so, you know that you are in trouble. It is a symptom of your severed connection from humanity. But while it can instill a sense of worthlessness and hopelessness, it can also be soothed.

The healing agents for loneliness are awareness, acceptance, and compassion. Here’s how it works:

Awareness. Choose to bring your awareness to your experience. Pay attention to how your body feels—the hollowness in your chest, the constriction in your throat, the heaviness of your body. If you feel the sadness well up within you, allow yourself to cry without restraint.

Acceptance. Many people instinctively try to run from loneliness. Sometimes they try to hide from it by numbing themselves. They might sleep, watch TV, or play video games. Or, they might try to distract themselves with chores and activities. They keep busy and superficially engaged in life. But none of this really works—at least not for the long haul. The aching emptiness breaks through numbed bodies and mindless activity.

Sometimes, people try to get rid of the pain by blaming themselves for it. They criticize themselves for being unworthy of others. They see all their flaws or mistakes and demean themselves for them. Frequently, their unconscious hope is that if they could identify what’s wrong with themselves and fix it, then they can make the pain go away. Or, if they can’t make it go away, they can at least make sense of it. But they only feel worse for their efforts.

Instead, choose to stay with the feeling. Acknowledge your loneliness and choose to continue being aware of it.

Compassion. Practice reminding yourself that others feel lonely, too. It is part of the human experience that most people share at some time or other. And just as you would show compassion for anyone else who suffers from being lonely, you also deserve this caring response. So, choose to see yourself with perspective—as you would see someone else—and tell yourself that it is sad that you feel so alone.

If you have supportive others in your life, reach out to them. Take a deep breath, pick up the phone to text or call, and ask for support in whatever form you need it. Allowing yourself to truly connect with others will help you feel emotionally stronger and less alone.

Strange as it might seem, there are benefits to loneliness, so you don’t necessarily want to be totally without it. By feeling lonely, you are able to understand and have compassion for others who feel similarly. Your loneliness can also be a crucial signal that your relationships are not as emotionally close, supportive, or engaging as you really want them to be. So it offers you a chance to identify this problem and make efforts to fix it.

As you consider these ideas, keep this in mind: The person who you are right now is in pain, a very human kind of pain in which you feel different from all other people and yearn to feel connected. Just as it would be sad to see others struggle with this, it is sad that you feel this way. And just as you would naturally feel compassion for their pain, you deserve the same compassion. So accept and feel your loneliness. Then offer yourself compassion. Doing this will help to ease your pain, open you up to experiencing a sense of feeling connected, and help you to take the necessary steps to reach out to others.

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Making Change blog posts are for general educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation; and they should not be relied upon as a substitute for professional assistance.

If you struggle to feel any compassion, then that leaves you with needing to heal from any painful emotions that make this difficult and needing to learn how to develop compassion. Below are some articles I've written that might be helpful

This subject resonates with me to the degree that I feel lonely pretty much all of the time. The irony (of course) is that I'm not alone. I have friends and family, those who love me very much, and I participate in social activities several times a week. I find I am able to be genuine and share my personal struggles with those closest to me, so I do believe I have the kinds of relationships that should cure loneliness. think what it comes down to is that not even other people can fully satisfy that intense hunger for connection, and a deep intimate relationship with God is the only thing that truly fulfills that need. Part of that struggle, however, is the pattern of defective and dysfunctional beliefs about God that are barriers to truly trusting that He cares and will be there without fail. There have been moments when I've had breakthroughs, epiphanies if you will, and it was at those moments when I was not burdened with loneliness and felt in complete fellowship. I know this is a Psychology website dedicated to science (i.e. things that can be proven through the scientific method) but there is some knowledge that cannot be procured through the five senses. I'm not sure why I felt the need to write all this, but perhaps someone needs to hear it.

...yet. But there are a few things I've figured out. I've realized that my distance from God is rooted in distrust. I sometimes attribute to Him motives that are not true, or blame Him for things that are not His fault. I must acknowledge this and stop this thinking pattern. If I want to grow in faith, I must follow His instructions for increasing faith. "Faith comes through hearing, and hearing comes by the word of God" (Romans 10:17). It's amazing how I can find so many other things to do other than study my Bible. But that is where I fail, as that is the way we get to know Him. How can I say I love my partner, my friend, my children if I never spend any time with them? Can I really even know someone I spend little time with? If I truly learn his character through His Word, I won't follow Him out of fear or duty or any other poor motivator; I will follow Him out of love. Prayer is important, but I've come to the conclusion that what He has to say is far more important than what I have to say.

So I've been studying nearly every day (my goal is daily) and using supplemental materials that teach me how to study, like understanding the culture and history of the time so that I can get a more thorough understanding of what is being said. I've embraced the belief that if something about God feels offensive to me, it either means I still don't understand the nature of that characteristic, or I am in denial about my own offensiveness. Either God is good, or He's not. I believe He is good, so I pursue Him.

I know someone exactly the same , whose felt lonely or alienated all his life despite a loving family. His relationship with God is the same and I like the way you say at the end of your blog that it's nothing that God did wrong, it's that you haven't come to understand the nature of His characteristic or your own offensivesness. My friend says if God is so magnificent, why did he make him likes, depressed, lonely, alienated, hating of the human race

Thank you for this wonderfully helpful piece. About three years ago, I posted a piece on loneliness at Psychology Today called "How to Turn Loneliness into Sweet Solitude." We have similar perspectives—particularly our focus on awareness and self-compassion. I thought your readers might also like to see my piece. It contains some practical suggestions for looking at loneliness in a way that can ease its pain. Here's the link:

This is a good article on an important subject. It is so relevant to society, yet there seems to be quite a bit of stigma surrounding loneliness. I think eliminating that stigma would be helpful. I wish talking about and expressing loneliness would be okay (and not something that has to be kept hidden away).

Acceptance about my loneliness has helped me to heal and cope with it. I also found Toni's post (which I had read before reading this one) to be really helpful too: being alone can indeed be turned into sweet, blissful, peaceful solitude. As a person with a chronic condition, it can be very hard to have enough energy to socialize (and some days, even just to leave the house!) and I am often on my own.

I am learning to be my own best friend - since after all, I am the only one I really "have" with me, always. I have come to realize that it is often not the state of being alone that hurts, but the awful things I say to myself (e.g. "No one wants to be around me because I have nothing to offer", or some other variation of "I am no good" or something alienating like "No on on earth could ever understand me because I'm just too strange"). Self-compassion is not easy, but it can help ease one's pain. I've also come to understand that I am not really ever alone - there are other people, out there, who can understand/empathize and relate to how I feel (even if perhaps I haven't found them yet).

Hi Brenda, I think I've found someone who feels the same way, I certainly surprised that sentences that you've described will be the same that i told myself when worse I feel and for be more honest many times people told me that I'm super freak.

Personally, I would definitely recommend that you put an end to replaying the old hurts over and over in your mind. What good is that doing you? Is there some enjoyment in feeling like you are destined to be a victim and tragedy is about to befall you at any moment? That doesn't seem likely. If you broke your leg, it would hurt for a while, but over time it would get better and better, and eventually you would be able to use the limb as before. Would you refuse to walk in fear that you might fall and break it again? I guess it could happen but even if you broke your leg 4 times in your life (totaling a generous 2 years of healing time), would you give up the other 70+ years of walking without problems? The love and joy available in relationships is worth the occasional bumps and bruises. No one's perfect... you're going to get hurt. Stop avoiding it.

Another thing to remember is that everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, endures mistreatment, rejection, being ignored or shunned by someone they cared about, or some other behavior that diminishes their dignity. The majority of people find a way to heal, forgive, and pick themselves up to try again. It sounds like you've convinced yourself you are damaged forever. To allow yourself to believe that these injuries are able to be overcome, and witness other people do it, might give you the courage to forgive those who harmed you (not necessarily rekindle the relationship) and embrace a fresh start where life isn't perfect but it's still beautiful. Be courageous!

Actually, I don't replay the old hurts over and over (although it can be sometimes hard to let go of people - because I actually become quite attached to them and it saddens me when friendships and other relationships end). And I don't feel like I'm a victim; I'm simply frustrated at putting in so much effort to form relationships with people only to have those efforts ignored so often. It gets exhausting...especially in the long-term, and especially when you have a chronic illness that limits energy.

I used to heal, forgive, and pick myself up routinely...but a person can only take so much. I guess I've reached a point where I lack the physical and mental strength to make a lot of effort lately and I think that's okay for now. I'm very grateful I'm fortunate enough to have family members I'm close to, but I struggle to form relationships outside of family.

I do understand your point, and it is well-taken. With all due respect though, I've heard advice like yours many, many times (not to say that it's bad...but it's just not working for me, unfortunately). This is obviously not an issue that is solved overnight. I appreciate your encouragement, nonetheless. Thanks.

I wish I could have been more help. From your initial post, it seemed the history of being "burned" was the only factor involved in your social avoidance dilemma. It appears there are many factors, particularly your health issues and very likely depression resulting from your health problems. Posing a question to strangers on the internet might not be the best course of action. As you've noted, my advice is of the type you've heard repeatedly, so that's really all that a lay person like myself can offer. I would suggest that if you are not already, you receive treatment for depression. Obviously, I'm not a doctor, but some of the statements you make suggest depression, so it might not be a bad idea to have a professional evaluate you. It can make a world of difference, especially so that you're not so emotionally fragile. The losses are real, no doubt, but perhaps the depression is preventing you from healing, much like diabetes can prevent a physical wound from healing. I wish you the best.

Not surprisingly, I do have depression (a long history of it actually) and have been receiving professional, psychotherapeutic treatment (I have also tried many medications, but either they didn't work for me and/or had to be stopped due to side effects). I also have received medical treatment for another chronic condition that causes pain and fatigue (again, side effects have been an issue).

The loneliness (which may be both a consequence and contributor to the depression) has been one of the hardest things to "treat" because some of it (like just the sheer, circumstantial luck of meeting potential good friends) is beyond my control. Lately, I have made efforts to say "hi" and introduce myself to new people at school (I'm in college) and I think that this very simple act is helping take the edge off at least a bit. Of course, this doesn't help much with the deep loneliness - that craving for closeness and intimacy, which takes a lot more time to develop - but it helps take the edge off.

Thank you very much for your empathy (really, just having someone really understand is often the best help), and I wish you the best, too.

If you are really feeling limited by your chronic illness, you might want to follow up with your doctor about it to see if there is more to do medically. A therapist might also help you manage your struggles.

That said, perhaps your relationship struggles are related to your attachment style. To learn more about this, you can read my blog entry:

Learning Your Attachment Style Can Light Up Your Life
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/making-change/201105/learning-your-attachment-style-can-light-your-life

If you connect with what this article says, you can find some guidance in how to change by reading:

Change Your Attachment Style to Light Up Your Life
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/making-change/201105/change-your-attachment-style-light-your-life

Finally, if all of this connects, you might want to check out my upcoming book:
Insecure In Love
http://www.drbecker-phelps.com/insecure.html

I wish you well in moving through your struggles and finding happier relationships.

Thank you, Dr. Becker-Phelps, for your response and the links. I did find them helpful.

I have yet to find a good treatment for my chronic illness (and whenever I do, side effects get in the way and create a new problem). I am in therapy, which does help a lot. Recently, I started iron supplementation (after my doctor found a deficiency) and I'm already noticing a bit more energy and I've been more open to being just a bit more social lately (e.g. just saying "hi" to fellow students and finding out their name). Taking care of my health and feeling like there's something I can do to improve it has made me feel much more positive in general. Depression has been a decade-long struggle for me, so it's nice to get a little relief lately.

Difficulty with attachment is likely an issue for me. A couple of my relationships (family & work-related ones) fit the secure attachment pattern. But in several other cases, I seem to have a mixture of dismissive-avoidant and fearful-avoidant attachment styles (which might seem a bit contradictory). I would certainly be interested in reading your upcoming book and I look forward to it.

So stop feeling lonely before you reach out to others. People can see lonliness and neediness from a mile away, and will reject you every time.
Stop feeling lonely=stop acting lonely.
Loneliness serves no purpose at all. People have no compassion for those who are lonely; it is treated as a social leprosey to be shunned. If s drug existed to eliminate all lonely feelings I would take it in a second.

It's not as simple as that. And I believe it is okay to feel lonely: actually, telling myself to "Stop it! Stop feeling lonely! Just cut it out!" never, ever has worked for me. I actually start feeling lonelier! But maybe it works for you.

Sometimes, you can "act as if" you're not lonely and sometimes that can be helpful (maybe that's what you're getting at). Although, honestly, I think I'd feel a little inauthentic if I completely hid away my loneliness and pretended it didn't exist. This is not to say I would willingly go around parading my loneliness, but sometimes opening up about it with the right people can be helpful and healing too.

And if someone were to have no compassion for me whatsoever just because I'm lonely and wanted to shun me on that basis alone (which seems a bit absurd) - Well, quite frankly, that's quite alright with me. Personally, I prefer to have compassion for people who are troubled by loneliness. I can certainly empathize with them (and as this article mentions, that can be one "upside" to loneliness - this ability to empathize; so it is not necessarily without purpose at all).
And I disagree that loneliness always makes one needy - it can, but prolonged loneliness can also eventually make you the opposite of needy: you develop a sense of "I don't need anyone".

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One thing that seems to get left out of all these articles on loneliness is that we are mammals! We need other people in our lives. If you are lonely and alone, how do you continue to live? Being lonely and alone impacts every single day for me. Acceptance is great. And I'm all for practicing self-compassion and feeling my feelings. But for how long can a human actually live a solitary and lonely life? We punish the worst criminals by putting them in solitary confinement...something that is, really, inhuman treatment. But out in the world, there are people enduring that same aloneness.

I agree with you - ultimately, the best remedy for loneliness is finding healthy, supportive relationships. We do need other people (I used to deny it all the time to myself). Some mammals (including some primates) are naturally more solitary and less gregarious, but it seems that humans fall into the more gregarious end of the social needs spectrum.

I'm wondering just the same: how long can one live a solitary and lonely life? I'm not sure there's an answer (personally, I've been living for a good decade with it, so far). Loneliness is so complex and far from being an individual problem - there are so many societal factors that can help breed loneliness. I do think certain technological advancements, in some cases, have increased isolation and loneliness, for example. I just recently quit using social media, and I've noticed I'm becoming a bit more social lately in real, day-to-day life because I'm not relying on social media as an easy crutch (this is just my own experience and I'd prefer not to get into the heated, sometimes ugly debate over the merits of quitting or not quitting social media, but I just wanted to share that). Sometimes the tiniest of simple actions, like saying hello to someone new in a setting in which you feel relatively comfortable, can help ease loneliness a bit and at least temporarily (just my humble, personal experience).
There are no easy answers to loneliness; solutions need to be tailored to the individual.

It is very telling that this article is one of this week's "Most Read": loneliness is widespread. I think it deserves to be a public health priority and it's encouraging that there's ongoing research about it.

Loneliness is disconnection from one's true path.
In other words, you have lost your direction in life.

A true path is the tangibe effect of your heart's desire
To identify, remind yourself of who and what deep down you know you are
Stop
Be
Allow your true feelings to remind you of what you honestly want to do
Take action.
Gather all your resources and whatever support you need
Set your sights, And go.
Once you realign, relationships of the calibre you are after will come your way.

I have noticed that people responding, here and elsewhere, are missing part of what this article says in terms of the importance of taking action. I emphasize the importance of awareness, acceptance, and compassion because these elements help people reconnect with themselves in a compassionate manner. By doing this, it often directly helps ease their pain, AND it often helps people then take direct action to connect with others. For example, rather than just trying to fake being happy or sitting alone and feeling like a loser, lonely people who nurture compassionate self-awareness are more likely to be kind to themselves and do what they can to ease their emotional pain. So, with compassionate self-awareness, people are more likely to reach out to friends for support, search out ways to connect with others, or do whatever else they think will help them alleviate their loneliness.

i like this site very much and i like to share and thanks for the writer

I want to add something which i found more valuable which is I think and remember my self that god know that i am alone and feel sad and ,and i use praying and make peace with god
I found that way is the best of all
are you with me or not in this ?

Loneliness is a symptom of either having poor relationships or having too few relationships or--if that is not the case--it is a symptom of a spiritual crisis and requires a spiritual solution.

The fact that we are ultimately alone in the world, we will die alone, and that life does not have inherent meaning is an existential fact that can bring on feelings of deep loneliness. Psychology cannot address this issue--only spiritual beliefs can, whatever those are.

When you experience loneliness that is not due to a lack of good relationships, try exploring different religious or spiritual perspectives on this topic. Knowing that you are not alone in this feeling--all humans experience it--and that countless religions have addressed loneliness explicitly, can bring you much needed comfort.

I would ad: Go deep in yourself and find the love for yourself there :-) I know from my experience what I am talking about. This helps also to unblock the love and compassion for others and helps to feel more connected with the rest of the world. We crave for love and emotional support from the others and forget that we have a endless source of love deep inside us :-)

What if you reach out, and learn that everyone's too busy? I was not always lonely. I've long term friendships. Moving to a new country cost me to lose people who used to be there for me. I know it's a phase that'll pass, but I can use some support now. Whenever I turn toward people for who I have been there for in the past, they ignore me. I am not good with getting refused, so I tend to never go back to those who say some version of "later" the first time.

Since, I am going to be alone and feel lonely due to my solitude, how do I cope with it?
Reading, watch TV, working full-time only works for so long.

You can talk all you want, but if you don't have anyone that is willing to listen, where do you go from there? In the past three years, I have never felt more alone and lonely in my life. What people don't seem to understand is that they DO have someone in their life they can talk to. I DON'T!!!!!!!! Everyone is too busy or is waiting for something better to come along if I invite them to do something. And all I've ever done is help my friends and be there for them. When are they going to be there for me?? If you have no one and you've been rejected and ridiculed and teased for the way you look your entire life, then you tell me how you would feel. There is no light. And don't tell me to turn to religion, or god, or whatever. It works for some people, I don't buy it. You won't understand what I've gone through and what I've felt unless you walk in my shoes. And everyone is too damn busy to give me the time of day. I don't rate a response from anyone. No one can seem to take one goddamn minute out of their day to respond to a text, or email. it's all bullshit! All of us are nothing but drones in the biggest cosmic joke ever perpetrated on a species!!

To me loneliness is an indicator just like hunger and thirst. If I'm hungry I eat. If I'm thirsty I drink. If I feel lonely I get me some social connection!

Loneliness is unfortunately something we sometimes bring upon ourselves. For example, the person who is oblivious to the fact that his social boundaries are too limited. He laments the fact that there are no decent fish in the rock pool when he should have his feet in the surf casting the line of his surf rod into the sea.

Another problem is that someone may be taking initiative in their friendship endeavors on a scale that's just not going to have much benefit. I only realized after I went through a period of intensive socializing and hosting events that the initiative I had taken previously in my life only had two gears. Now I have a sense of ten visceral gears.

Loneliness use to be a fixture of my life till I gave it the boot. Don't allow it to continually linger in your life either.

I've been single for about a year. I love being single but in the last 8 months I have had no physical contact at all and now the loneliness is very difficult.I've tried dating sites and have been unsuccessful.I moved across Canada and the area Im living now has the worst dating scene.There are other people I have met who are going through the same thing so its common here in Vancouver BC.Before I moved,I could get a date at least once or twice a month and this was never an issue. I don't want a relationship,or sex but just want to feel gentle,kind physical attention at least once a month ( holding hands,a long hug,cuddling). It's also hard because I haven't seen my family and friends in 6 months.I miss their hugs and kisses also,we are a very loving close family so this also amounts to my loneliness.
I'm confident, good looking and love myself. I don't need someone to make me feel that way,I just miss human touch.
I've entered loneliness in so many stages as follows:
1-sadness
2-just be patient, this will pass
3-frustration,this isn't going to pass
4-Its this location, dating is difficult here
5-Maybe something is wrong with me
6-I think I need psychological help,maybe something is wrong with me or I'm doing something wrong
7-Is it ok to never have human contact and be happy in solitude forever?

Right now I feel #5,6,&7 all the time.#7 is the newest stage I'm going through. So is it OK for a person to go the rest of their life alone? Never dating again? Cause im done setting myself up for something that will never happen. I'm ready to accept that and move on to other things. From a professionals view or someone who has gone through this,is it OK to think like this?
Please help someone

Christine: Feeling as alone as you do is truly painful. As you've articulately stated, your loneliness is bigger than not having a date. You feel isolated from others, such as not having close friends or family nearby. So the problems with focusing on not setting yourself up for "something that will never happen" is that you are not fully engaged in creating an opportunity to feel connected. For many people in your position, they find it helpful to focus first on nurturing caring relationships in general. Then they are in a better frame of mind to decide how to proceed with romantic relationships.

Submitted by On An Island...No Boat...Can't Swim on January 30, 2016 - 5:01am

I am in my early 40's. Doing something ALONE isn't easy especially when sometimes I get so overwhelmed with sadness that it is all I can do to go to work five days a week.

When I was younger, I was the one always gathering friends and supporting them through life's ups and downs. When I was in relationships, I always made to to stay connected with friends.

Skip to my last few years. I was still making that effort, being supportive...and after a few too many no-shows (physically and emotionally), I decided not to be the person who gathers or supports the troops. I noticed that none of the people I'd thought I'd had close relationships with bothered to reach out.

To be clear, my behavior was NEVER done because I expected to get something in return besides human compassion.

To say I have had a horrible year would be a huge understatement. But again, nobody checked on me and when I did try to reach out, it was met with silence or attacks about me not being a better friend. On paper, I don't look like I have anything to be depressed about and I'm starting to think that my ex-friends treated me this way because deep down, they want me to suffer for NOT having the same issues they have.

So, what do I do? I don't have a family nor do I have family near me. When I speak to them, I have shallow conversations because they don't exactly value mental health. I also don't want to open up to my parents because there last time I did, my mom spread it to anyone who listen AND had her friends (practical strangers), reaching out to offer cliches. My father took it as a joke. Yes! He literally laughed!

I have resisted doing more therapy. After several tries, I felt they were extremely quick to write prescriptions.

I can't really speak much to your specific situation, but I can comment on this: You say you have resisted doing more therapy because those you saw were quick to write prescriptions. Rather than seeing a psychiatrist - who can and often will write prescriptions- you might was to try seeing a psychologist or social worker.

After reading the first few paragraphs of this article, I could not help but let the tears just flow. I was practically wailing. It's not been easy for me, the feeling of loneliness and then trying to act so strong for myself and everyone around me. I have people depend on me and everyone says I'm so strong and independent. The opposite is the case because truly, I'm silently hurting. I cry myself to sleep,wake up in the middle of the night when I can't sleep and cry some more. Now it's affecting me so badly that I have loss of appetite and I'm losing so much weight. It's really more than what I can handle. I just wish I had a trusted and sensitive enough person to confide in.

No one needs to feel like you do, and I'm saddened to hear that you are feeling this way. I hope you find the strength in yourself to work toward making a change. If you don't have family or friends you can turn to, you might want to reach out to your clergy person, if you are religious, or find a therapist.