Time to make a date with destiny

AL GORE is desperate to get chicks. Married chicks. Single chicks. Old chicks. Young chicks. Anywhere a chick, chick?

If he doesn't stop turning off women, he'll never be president.

Nothing seems to help. He put on a pair of provocatively tight jeans. He shook his booty - and even his Palm Pilot - at a big fund-raiser. He's surrounded by female advisers. He throws all sorts of policy ideas to women. The guy practically lactates.

Still, he's getting the brush. In the latest poll by The New York Times, George W. Bush has a wide lead with men and, amazingly, edges out Gore with women (who elected Bill Clinton), 44 to 42 per cent. Even feminists are nagging Gore about his lack of oomph.

Gore pollster Harrison Hickman went to Capitol Hill the other day to tell Democrats there was some good news: the campaign had conducted a focus group to ask women who would make a better date - Al Gore or George W. Bush - and Gore won.

As The Wall Street Journal reported, Hickman said the women in the focus group found the Vice-President "thoughtful, reflective and interested in what women have to say", while the Texas Governor was seen as "the type who would drive up in a flashy convertible, honk the horn instead of coming to the door, lean against his car chewing gum and spend all night talking about himself".

Gore, someone at the meeting told me, was viewed as "the nicer guy, who would be more stable and reliable. Bush was seen as a guy who would dump you in a heartbeat."

The Vice-President's supporters were appalled that his campaign was wasting time and money on focus groups that looked at women's hormones rather than their brains.

I personally am appalled that the Gore campaign equates going on a date with picking a president.

Going on a date is really, really hard.

And anyhow, I know someone who went on a blind date with Al Gore aeons ago. "It was a complete dud," my friend recalls. "He didn't talk to me. He wasn't a conversationalist, in any sense of the word."

Of course, Gore has probably changed a lot. For one thing, he has learned to cover his imperfections.

I conducted my own focus group with girlfriends who know the candidates. This is how they weigh the pros and cons of an evening of Tennessee waltzing or Texas two-stepping.

W. advantages: You could count on Tex-Mex with good guacamole. If you're mugged, an NRA posse would gallop to the rescue.

W. disadvantages: Aches and pains from a manic schedule of jogging, tennis, fishing and golfing. You could never go to his place. It would be a toxic-waste dump - the only things in the fridge, Gatorade and a jar of grape jelly. He'd pick you up in a Bonneville stuffed with old buddies and Bushes. He'd try to prove gravitas by casually jamming a copy of Lingua Franca into his jeans pocket.

Al advantages: He'd pander to you and pick your favourite restaurant. He'd offer primo transportation, bulletproof limos and Air Force Two. If the date wasn't going well, he'd call a facilitator. He'd amuse you with wild exaggerations about his accomplishments.

Al disadvantages: He'd talk to your parents too earnestly for too long. He'd bring his global warming charts and talk about his Inner Ecology. You'd have to be prepared for the date to become a fund-raiser. (Al would soften the blow by calling it a "non-finance-related, community outreach event".) If the date was going really well, he might shout and growl, the way he does when he gets excited at labour rallies and black churches. Afterward, he might force you to do a focus group to analyse how the night went.

Pieter, this USA campaign is hilarious. On the one hand, we have
this brilliant guy who is not very personable. On the other hand, we
have a guy big business has chosen as their puppet and he actually is
the dumber of Dumb and Dumber.