Sunday, February 21, 2010

Many thanks. I have received my Opad and have already experienced some of the remarkable possibilities of this piece of technology, or alternative technology as it is in fact. The capacity of the water molecules to retain information (and to somehow communicate this to other water molecules anywhere….morphic resonance I think it’s called) seems to allow human thought transference to occur, not only in real time, but through spatio-temporal loops, allowing the user to experience their own thoughts before they actually think them, or thoughts they think in one place to appear somewhere else in the world, or elsewhere. This happened to me today.

And what’s more, when I punched my star sign into the Opad the screen condensed into a misty vision of an Egyptian prince in the Middle Kingdom surrounded by slaves, beautiful women and the odd annoying jackal….it was clearly me in a past life. Amazing. I was an Egyptian prince! I’m now partnering my device on a holiday by the Nile in 1526 BC. Will let you know how it goes.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Frantic buying at Ostores worldwide has seen the Opad outstrip iPod's first day sales record by more than 50, or perhaps even 500, to one.

Recently appointed Chief Finance Officer of Ostores Inc, Mr Barnaby Joyce, said that while sales figures from some more remote stores in Mongolia and The Andes are still to come in, he expects the first day sales of Opads to be close to 5 million but that figure could actually be 5 billion or even 5 trillion, he isn't entirely sure.

"I will know more accurately when I get my head around the numbers and numbers in general," he said.

Whatever the final number, the sales mean that the Opad has been an outstanding success.

Meanwhile Chairman of Ostores Inc, Dr O. None has cautioned users from using their new Opads whilst driving. It is reported that many hundreds of users have been issued with fines by highway patrol police for excitedly talking, texting, emailing or astral travelling on their Opads while driving.

Dr None cautions that apart from the financial slug of a hefty fine, astral travelling while driving can be quite dangerous.

"If there is an unexpected break in resonance between the Opad and its partner, then the user's spirit may seek to return to a position which he/she has moved on from- ie outside the vehicle," he warned."Until users are experienced, it is better to explore the more high-tech applications in the lounge room, rather than the car," he said.

It's only a few hours since the Auckland Ostore opened it's doors but already the Opad is a tearaway success. Thousands of excited Kiwis crammed through the doors at 9am NZ time and swamped sales staff with orders for their personal Opad.The first group of customers has just completed the partnering session and have excitedly left the building to explore a whole new world; a world where everything is known and nothing is new- as long as you have anOpad.

Queues are already forming outside Ostores worldwide as devotees of None Laboratories’ products anxiously await next week’s launch of its latest creation, the incredible HomeOpad or Opad as the company affectionately calls it.

Based on the ability of water molecules to absorb and retain information, the Opad is billed as a combination of a mobile phone, pocket organizer, personal computer and time machine. The company says the device promises to revolutionize the way we interact with our environment and each other.

“Imagine being able to see the future unfold or relive a past-life on the screen in front of you and share that experience in real time with others. Well that’s exactly what Opad will allow you to do,” he boasts.

He explained that once an Opad owner has achieved what he terms “HomeOstasis” with his/her Opad, they are bonded for life. Opad will then automatically tune in, via the water molecules in its owner’s body, to the activities of its owner or ‘partner’, as the company likes to call its consumers.

“Imagine being able to see yourself being hit by a runaway bus as you approach a pedestrian crossing and being able to avoid that fate by stopping and waiting till the bus harmlessly passes before crossing the road,” says Dr. None.

Critics claim that Opad is “just a bottle of water with a cheap sticker on the front designed to give the appearance of a scientific device” but Dr. None rejects these criticisms as the "usual desperate rantings of a disgruntled and jealous science community".

“Unfortunately the science community has failed to move on and incorporate new-age technologies such as Homeopathy, to their considerable disadvantage,” he said.

“Their slavish devotion to the outdated notions of experimental repeatability and double-blind trials has really slowed the development of many discoveries,” he claims.

“If it works for them, it works. That’s how our customers see it,” he stated emphatically.

How much does an Opad cost? Each Opad is absolutely free but each new owner is required to sign up for an instructional seminar in order to achieve HomeOstasis before being entrusted with their new partner in life.

If the queues outside Sydney’s Ostore are any indication, then there will be no shortage of consumers willing to part with $599 to partner an Opad, starting next Monday.

OUR MOTTO

Credulatum Omnia

DONORS WANTEDNone Laboratories urgently requires donors in order to meet demand for the following products- DIGITUM and MEMORY BOOST.
Simple same day surgery is all that is required. Good prices paid.
Note: must be above average IQ in the case of Memory Boost donations. Free post-op speech lessons included.

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After treatment many of Dr. None's patients donate unwanted items which Dr. None sells to further his research into Placebo Power.Contact Dr. None for a great deal on a used wheelchair, white cane or surgical prosthethis.

NEW YEAR SPECIALOne only used artificial limb, left leg, one owner, low kilometres. Suit one legged man or Rolf Harris impersonator.