From Eroica With Love

side story #9

Lieutenant Colonel Eberbach

Summary by Mme Cusack

Salisbury Army Base, southern England. The British soldiers called a
newly appointed German Lieutenant Colonel for tea. The man, training in
a Leopard tank, was called by his rank several times, but didn't realize
it was him who was called until his German subordinate reminded him that he
was now Lieutenant Colonel Eberbach. Why is Major Eberbach, Lt. Col.
Eberbach? Why is he steering a Leopard tank in England? Whatever has
happened in Germany??

Everything started when someone brought up Klaus von dem Eberbach as a
topic at the NATO top brass meeting of the armies. Some raved that
keeping a capable officer like Eberbach behind the actual field service
was a big loss. The force of circumstances appointed him to a vacant
position in the corps in England army base with the long-awaited rank of
Lieutenant Colonel. The unit was testing the digital data communication
system for tanks, a joint development by German and British armies.

Our Lt. Col. Eberbach was in an exceptionally good humor, humming and
drinking tea with British soldiers who took/mistook him for a cheerful
German. Klaus used to dislike Brits thanks to the oddballs like Lord
Gloria and Charles Laurence, but now having nothing to do with them, he
told himself to establish a good relationship with British soldiers in
the base. No more "Iron Klaus" of NATO intelligence. Good-bye to the
blockheaded boss and the incompetent soup of alphabets. He rejoiced to
be back in the life filled with roaring sound of steel and engines. He
laughed a laugh of joy for no apparent reason.

Bonn (going back to the scenes before Klaus was actually transferred to
England): Three managers were discussing the news that the institution
was to leave the Bonn office. The heads of personnel department and
accounting office were simply happy. In the shadow of famous code name
"Iron Klaus", everyone suffered: a rebel to his superiors, abuser to the
alphabets, and he completely ignored the need to curtail expenses. But
the Chief looked disconcerted about losing the Major, whose position
would be taken over by Gottfried Rhode from the Federal Information
Agency. The other two tried to convince the Chief that the older man
would be a better choice with more experiences and consideration to his
superiors and subordinates. But the Chief didn't buy that. He insisted
the caliber of Iron Klaus was the one and only for the office.

The day of his departure, Klaus gave a short speech to the heartbroken
alphabets and introduced his successor to them crossly, because, to his
embarrassment, Agent G openly started sobbing into a hanky. The Chief
caught him in front of the emptied locker. He was sorry that the joint
force of the eternal Chief and the eternal Major had to be dissolved at
last. Klaus had declined the alphabets' offer to have a farewell party
for him, and suggested the Chief to have the backbiting party with the
alphabets to their hearts' content. Klaus shook the offered hand of the
Chief and left. "Without bickering, without even looking back, he's
gone just like that." The Chief slouched his shoulders and sighed. "His
mind is already filled with the next mission. Advance is the only
vocabulary in his dictionary. He's that kind of a man." That was the
beginning of the dark age of NATO intelligence office.

On the phone, Mr. L of the SIS reproached the Chief for letting go of
the most precious talent of all of the intelligence agencies. Mr. L
deplored the loss of "the modest, discreet, shy and such a pleasant
young man who concealed a flaming passion deep inside." The Chief
asked which major he was referring to. Mr. L mocked him that the
Chief's sensitivity was short of understanding Klaus's virtues, then
sent a welcoming message to the newly appointed Rhode, when the subject
knocked on the Chief's door in a timely manner. Rhode gave a
disapproving look to the friendly relationship between the Chief and Mr.
L, and suggested his superior to be more wary of the head of other
agencies. Rhode came to request high-wall cubicles to all of the
alphabets so that they would be more concentrated on their job and rid
themselves of the reliance to each other and the boss. "Secret agents
can survive only when they overcome the solitude where there is no
friendship nor help from their superior."

Rhode turned out to be a pest driven by the maniac passion to depress
everyone around him with his dark past experiences and absolute distrust
of human nature. The alphabets were confined in small cubicles (each
one provided with a door) and perplexed by the change of working
environment. Sulky G lost interest in being dressed up or wearing
make-up with no Major Eberbach around (he wore jeans and sandals on
barefoot in his disarrayed cubicle); back from Rhode's office, Z put his
face on the desk and refused to tell the others what he was told by the
new boss. To A who went to scout him, Rhode gave a warning with dreary
look on his face: "There's no such thing as truth in this world. There
are only two kinds of lies instead: enemy's lies and ally's lies." In
the corridor back to their office, A first realized that the Major had
never put his past hardships into words in front of them. He missed the
Major, but made up his mind to accept Rhode as their new superior. An
email from Bonham was waiting for A in his claustrophobic cubicle:

Hello, Mr. A. Guess you're suffering from the Major's habitual barks
as usual. Here, the Earl enjoys the plunder from Antwerp and James is
enhancing his skill of polishing floors he learned at the German jail.
They won't give you and the Major any trouble at least for a while.

Best regards, Bonham.

A tear ran down the agent A's cheek. "Mr. Bonham," he wrote back, "the
Major won't yell at us any longer."

London. Hearing the news of Klaus's transfer from Bonham, Dorian was
enraged. He declared he wouldn't approve of NATO's personnel change.
If Iron Klaus left the intelligence office to go back to a "healthy"
tank corps, he'd be deprived of the chance to be chased by his beloved
Major, which was his reason for being. Bonham said his promotion to the
Lt. Col. was something to celebrate, but Dorian said such a stale-sounding
title like Lt. Col. didn't suit his taste. Dorian considered kidnapping a
VIP of the German army to get Iron Klaus back to the old nest. Bonham
stopped him. Then James told that Laurence was there to see Eroica.

Laurence showed off to Dorian a snapshot of Klaus smiling on the tank.
The two bickered with each other:

Dorian:

I'm the only one who understands the Major. I know everything about
him, like these things and those facts!

Laurence:

I am his soul friend! We shared dangerous experiences and did
naughty things together!

Then both blurted they needed to have the Major back in the NATO
intelligence office; he was an irreplaceable asset there. Laurence
promised that he'd have Mr. L make up some kind of a plan to call the
Major back to Bonn and left Dorian's mansion. Dorian offered his
collaboration.

Bonn. The air of the intelligence office was becoming colder and darker
each day. The alphabets started suffering from depression, and more
than one third of them called in sick; even the Chief went home early on
the pretext of a bad headache. Everyday turned into as much fun as a wake.
Mr. L called the Chief at home and suggested to fire Rhode, but the
Chief explained it wasn't possible to get rid of a staff member just because he
had a depressive personality. He added that it would be a different
story if Rhode failed in his mission. Mr. L jumped at that, revealing a
nice conspiracy the SIS had contrived to save NATO intelligence. He
reminded the Chief that this was a top secret between just two of them,
that must never to be known to anyone, even to the alphabets.

London. Laurence met Dorian in the city to explain the booby trap -- a
fake kidnap -- Mr. L had devised, which was to get rid of Rhode as the
first step to call back Iron Klaus to his former position. IEA, the
mid-sized Italian high-tech company, was among the participants in the
NATO project to develop new weapons. The chairman of IEA was coming to
see a company in southwest of London in a few days. Eroica's mission in
the operation was to kidnap the chairman pretending as if it was a
NATO project-related attempt, and have Rhode chase him. In the SIS's
scheme, Rhode would make a fool of himself by failing to catch a
kidnapper and eventually get fired. Dorian complied, claiming that only
the Major could catch him. He promised he'd pull the gloomy man by the
nose all over England. Laurence warned him to avoid Salisbury. If the
Major came to know the plot, he'd turn into an ogre and there would be
no guarantee for their safety. Dorian made sure if the SIS would
provide a car and pay the gas expense; Laurence suggested him to save
the receipts.

Bonn. Agent A was called to Rhode's room. The SIS sent them serious
information about a certain group after the NATO secret and their plan
to kidnap a high-tech company executive. Rhode and the alphabets were
to fly to London to forestall their attempt. The agents were happy for
the chance to get out of the small boxes; G started to curl his hair
with a curling iron and wear make-up in the hope of seeing the Earl in
London. (But D threw a damper on his happiness with the comment that
the Earl would never appear where there was no Major around. Obviously
D was under the influence of his new boss.) The Chief encouraged Rhode
that NATO intelligence was anticipating his success, and went to call
London (Mr. L) immediately after their departure.

The go was sent from Mr. L to Laurence, then to Eroica, who started his
mission to kidnap the Italian executive with Bonham. (Thank heavens
James didn't accompany them this time -- supposedly polishing the floor
of Dorian's mansion; Ms. Aoike seems to be at least aware how much is
too much for her patient readers... James on top of plenty of Laurence
will make a story surreal.) To Bonham who showed concern on Klaus's
behalf, Dorian said that unlike a replaceable member of the tank corps,
Iron Klaus was the one and only in the world.

In a factory or warehouse of a company called W.T., southwest of
London. Dorian and Bonham in employees' uniforms were watching the
chairman of IEA and his group from a little distance. While they waited
for a chance for the chairman to drift away from the group, three
employers of the company approached the Italian and started to talk.
Then suddenly, the three assaulted the chairman with a blanket, wrapped
him and fled in front of the appalled Dorian. The first thought that
came to Dorian's mind was that the SIS hadn't trusted Eroica's skill and
dispatched another group for the plot. He immediately called Laurence
in rage. Asked if he prepared backup kidnappers, Laurence answered he
had not been up to such an elaborate plan. The two turned pale. It was
not a playacting, but a real kidnap case. Laurence screamed at Eroica
to retrieve the chairman, as Rhode and his subordinates had just arrived
at London. Eroica and Bonham started chasing the kidnappers' car which
was heading to the direction of Salisbury plain. (The three, in fact,
were ordinary kidnappers after the ransom for the chairman of a lucrative
high-tech company.)

That day also, the Lieutenant Colonel Eberbach was steering a tank
cheerfully.

The news flew from Mr. L to the Chief at once. Now things had come to
such a pass, the SIS's priority was to rescue the chairman than play
with the internal affairs of NATO intelligence. The Chief agreed and
said he'd call Rhode and the alphabets back to Bonn.

To Eroica's bewilderment, the kidnappers' car went further approaching
the army base where there was the ogre playing with tanks. The car went
into a wood, where they discarded the car and switched to a military
truck. Apparently they were heading to the dreaded base. Eroica R/T'ed
Laurence for an instruction. "Lucky us!" Laurence exclaimed on a
helicopter. "Let's have the Major catch the kidnappers!" He explained
that Mr. L had changed the objective of the mission from deportation of
Rhode to rescue of the chairman. Eroica was taken aback by light
footwork of the SIS and asked him if they were chameleons. Laurence
tried to get a head start to go ask the Major (Lt. Col. Eberbach) for his
collaboration, and Eroica threatened that he would spill the plot to the
Major if they tried to exclude him from the operation. Laurence gave
in, and came down to the ground to pick them up. As Dorian put it,
unforeseeable developments of the story were daily events in the Eroica
world.

At the W.T. building. Rhode watched the alphabets in sinister silence
while agent A interrogated the employees of the company. A worker
mentioned about an unfamiliar handsome young man with long, curly blond
hair. Excited, G showed them his treasured picture of Eroica. Rhode
ordered G to present the picture to him, too. He recognized the face as
a wanted thief and demanded the alphabets to explain the relation
between NATO intelligence and the thief. A, D and E were at a loss for
an answer. "How can we explain the peculiar relationship between the
Major and the Earl -- to the man like Rhode?" Rhode snapped that the
subordinates hiding a common secret against their superior was a bad
sign of betrayal. To the agent A's suggestion that they should proceed
with the search of the chairman rather than discuss the issue now, Rhode
said his predecessor must have been a spineless jellyfish who allowed
his subordinates to give an order to their boss. A finally lost his temper.
He shouted at Rhode how his predecessor had been serious
about his mission, that he had never demoralized his subordinates with
depressing personal stories, and that Rhode's reeducation attempt would
only have an effect of hindering their missions. Then, the messenger
from the SIS arrived to tell Rhode that their heads had agreed to leave
the kidnappers' apprehension to the SIS, therefore NATO intelligence
should return to Bonn. Rhode determined that was a conspiracy, in which
he was betrayed by both his superior and subordinates. He declared that
he would interrogate the alphabets back in Bonn and left. The four (A,
D, E and G) gazed at him speechlessly. It was then that D discovered a
round bald spot (alopecia areata, according to my dictionary) on
agent A's head. D & E recommended him to leave matters to them and take
some vacation. A sincerely wished the Major back.

Salisbury army base. Eroica, Laurence and Bonham found Klaus working by
the tank. He had his hair tied back and wore the combat uniform and a
beret. Eroica commented that his bare strong neck was fresh and sexy.
Klaus felt a strange presence to his back and turned around. The three
said "Hallo," in unison. He stared at them momentarily, asked the other
soldiers to go on with what they were doing, and calmly told the three
to follow him, which was an unexpected reaction for all of the three.
When Laurence started complaining Klaus must have forgotten them, the
Major (Lt. Col.) turned around and barked at them. Finding the unchanged
Major, tears of joy came out of Dorian and Laurence's eyes. Laurence
requested his favor to collaborate with the SIS to rescue the Italian
chairman from the kidnappers disguised as army soldiers in the base.
Klaus flatly refused on the ground that he was not an intelligence agent
any longer. Dorian said the kidnappers' objective was NATO's secret on
the newly developed weapons (a lie). Klaus told them to leave it to
NATO intelligence. Laurence wiped his eyes with his fist. He and
Dorian explained that thanks to his successor, an incompetent wet
blanket, the intelligence office now turned into a useless department
for NATO. Klaus refused to believe their story, and Laurence presented
the R/T and pressed the button without a moment's delay. The voice of
Mr. L (who was listening to their exchange) substantiated Laurence's
story that NATO intelligence was not functioning. In a serious voice,
he requested Klaus to rescue the hostage and arrest the kidnappers. "I
ask your collaboration, my very best friend Eberbach, as the Chief's
friend and your eternal supporter!" Klaus froze, and then he said to
Mr. L that he was going to help them provided that they would keep his
cooperation secret to Bonn lest it would offend Rhode's feelings. The
revival of Iron Klaus elated Dorian and Laurence.

Dorian reported as a witness how the kidnap had happened and confessed
he had been up to kidnap the chairman himself; the unexpected confession
of Eroica terrified Laurence. To Klaus's question how come Eroica was
after the chairman of a high-tech company, Dorian explained that he was
a handsome homosexual who owned an art collection, which convinced Klaus
with no problem. Klaus declared he was going to sweat them on the
search.

The kidnappers and the hostage were hiding in the ruins of a medieval
monastery in the army training field. The sound of the helicopter
surprised them, but they were relieved to remember where they were now.
As a matter of fact, however, on the army helicopter were Dorian and
Bonham. Eroica spotted a familiar-looking track of tires and an
expensive Italian shoe alongside the track. The report satisfied Klaus,
who ordered them to come back. Jealous of Dorian's effective
assistance, Laurence disappeared to fetch a truck for them. Klaus
decided to make use of some British soldiers idling around; "Though I
have no warrant for this, it's a job requested by the SIS." He borrowed
five men from the British commander and told them that they were going
to do a "search and rescue" training on the assumption that three
kidnappers were supposed to be hiding somewhere in the practice field
with their hostage. Some of them questioned why a tank corps members
needed such practice, and Klaus bellowed at them to shut their mouth up
and follow his order, all of a sudden revealing his real self. Klaus,
Dorian, Bonham and five intimidated soldiers were getting ready to
leave, when Laurence came back with a truck covered by flabbergasting
camouflage (net, trees, leaves and some unrecognizable objects). They
decided to go halfway by the truck and go another half on foot to the
destination.

Off the truck, Klaus spread a map on the ground and gave the crew
instructions to approach the destination in two groups. "Besiege the
subjects from front and back." Dorian, not listening, enjoyed the sight
of the soldiers' unprotected assets. Suddenly, a soldier gave out a
fearful cry and clung to Klaus's back. To disgusted Klaus, he protested
that his back was assaulted without warning. Dorian, toying his curls,
told Klaus not to make a big fuss because it wasn't Klaus's back he had
touched. Enraged Klaus and Dorian as cool as a cucumber started their
usual interlocution in front of the five utterly appalled soldiers.
Their bewilderment was intensified when Laurence appeared wearing the
so-called camouflage all over himself. Klaus ordered four Brits to go
with Laurence: "He's an oddball, but at least he won't harass you."
Then he told the remaining one, a stocky soldier with a mustache and
beard (Mr. homely), to watch Dorian so that he wouldn't dare try any
disquieting act. Dorian whined that he wanted to be accompanied by a
not-so-homely one, promising that he wouldn't do anything other than
watch. Klaus ignored his plea and ordered everyone to go ahead. The
party led by Laurence and another consisting of Klaus, Dorian, Bonham
and Mr. homely departed separately in the wood. Dorian was jealous of
Klaus and Bonham talking to each other in a friendly way several yards
behind him while he was closely stalked by Mr. homely. The conversation
between Klaus and Bonham reveals to us that the military rank of Laurence
in the British army is Second Lieutenant (according to Klaus).

Klaus and his party arrived at the ruins of the monastery first. He
radioed Laurence to hurry, not expecting much. Laurence answered they'd
be there in five minutes, but in fact Laurence missed his assigned
route, leading his soldiers deep into a swamp (he was too afraid to tell
Klaus that he was lost); wet and smeared with mud all over, the upset
soldiers were considering to complain to the captain back in the base
about Lt. Col. Eberbach who involved them in this ridiculous training. At
the ruin, Klaus immediately forgot about Laurence and sent Mr. homely to
look for the kidnappers' truck and Dorian and Bonham to find their
hiding place. Dorian was elated to work with the Major as in the old
days. He spotted a suspicious structure covered by trees in an
unnatural way, from which one of the kidnappers peeked out at the
gunfire Klaus opened to the sky. Klaus gave Dorian a radio and told him
to go to the back of the ruin to rescue the hostage while the exchange
between Bonham (supposedly a Warrant Officer) and Klaus (supposedly a
soldier of the lower rank) attracted the kidnappers' attention.

Eroica's attempt to lead the hostage safely out of the building failed,
but before the three got to them, Klaus raided the ruin and apprehended
the kidnappers barehanded and in an instant. Dorian adored the sight of
him in action. The felons confessed they were from a professional
kidnapper family after ransoms. Klaus scorned the SIS for giving him
false information. Dorian praised Klaus as a sublime existence to save
the world's peace and order.

Klaus:

Why are you flattering me?

Dorian:

I want you back to the intelligence office. The back-world without
you is too lonely. And you must be happier rampaging like that.

Klaus:

Don't talk rubbish, idiot! Tank corps is an equally important
assignment as intelligence activities. I only obey my orders.

Dorian:

Bigot! Oaf! A cog in the organization! Incarnation of missions!!

Klaus:

Hmpf! Thieves don't have a right to criticize what others should do
as their profession.

Then Klaus silenced Dorian by asking him if he was still after the
chairman's art collection.

Klaus told the confused-looking Mr. homely that taking the kidnappers
and the hostage back to the base on the truck would conclude the
training. Then, Dorian reminded him that Laurence hadn't arrived yet.
They looked at each other.

Laurence and his party was in the where-and-who-are-we status. All the
exhausted soldiers were squatting on the ground, cursing at the German
and determined to report his abusive deed to their Captain. Klaus and
his party had to go deep into the forest to look for them.

Klaus pushed Laurence, who fatuously celebrated the successful solution
of the case, into the dirt by the helicopter which would send them to
London with the kidnappers and the chairman.

Dorian:

I didn't get in your way this time.

Klaus:

Did you forget that I'm in the tank corps now!? I'm not an
intelligence agent. Never wanna see the face of a spy or a thief!

Laurence:

The world is waiting for the revival of Iron Klaus. Come back, Major
Eberbach!

Dorian:

You're sure to be back. You must miss those thrilling days.

Klaus:

[Thrusting Dorian onto the helicopter] Shut up!

Dorian:

Major, I love you!

Klaus:

I'm Lieutenant Colonel, idiots!

On the helicopter, Laurence assumed that they triggered his anger by not
calling him with the right title. Dorian flatly refused Laurence's
invitation to make another plot at London to lure him back to the
espionage world. He said he was going to visit him at the base daily
and convince him to go back to the intelligence office.

On the ground after they left, Klaus realized that he had forgotten to
ask them the current status of the NATO intelligence office and looked
up at the sky. Were they really in such a pathetic shape as to not
being able to catch the petit kidnappers? Where had it gone, what he
had established in those past years? He continued to stand on the bare
ground of the base, where the setting sun cast his long shadow behind
him, when...

...his German superior called him. "Lieutenant Colonel Eberbach, you
put us in an awkward situation."

The British army filed a stiff protest with the German army against
Klaus's act of arrogance on their soldiers. Apart from the
circumstances, his deed disturbed the order between the British and
German armies. There was a rising hostility toward Lieutenant Colonel
Eberbach among the British soldiers in the base. The incident was
attributed to the fact that Lieutenant Colonel had been a remarkably
capable intelligence officer, and it was possible that his former
affiliates would approach the base again to cause similar incidents
in the future. The German army had to avoid friction with the
British army as best as possible. It was a pity to give up an ace
officer like Eberbach, but...

Bonn. Agent B sat in the Rhode's office, facing to his new boss across
his desk on which his resignation was placed. Rhode was telling him
about his former colleague spy who had quit the job against his
superior's advice and ended up an alcoholic homeless sleeping on the
frozen ground of Berlin in the depth of winter. B looked almost about
to burst into tears. Watching them in the same room, the head of the
personnel office finally admitted to the Chief that Rhode was too grim
and depressing to be a leader of the soup of alphabets. The Chief asked
him to replace Rhode with another person -- if not the Major, a
cheerful one at least -- when the personnel office manager was called for
the call from the army HQ.

The last day of his vacation, Agent A was vacuum-cleaning the carpet of
his house with a heavy heart. He was wondering if he could request a
transfer to the Alaska base leaving his wife behind. The pretty wife of
his (whom Klaus referred as "pretty" all the time to make agent A
worry to death) called him from the kitchen that Major Eberbach was on
the phone. Surprised, A rushed to the telephone, and stammered to fail
to call him with his new rank, but Klaus told him "Major" would do.
Major Eberbach said he was concerned to know that the workaholic agent
was taking a vacation.

Klaus:

Were you tired? The Chief told me you got a bald spot. I'll send
you the special lotion of my butler's favorite brand.

A:

Sir, Did you talk to the Chief?

Klaus:

Ja, there were some complications on my side, too, and... Well,
don't worry about the spot too much. Come to the office tomorrow,
understand?