Friday, April 06, 2012

Oh No, There Goes Tokyo Again!

Japanese Writer Terrified
of Boyerzilla

*****

To get myself into the mood for really digging into the fact based, hard charging journalist mood of finishing the book "Indiana Sleaze," I went through a few of my earlier articles about the sleazy serial plagiarist David Boyer of Vincennes, Indiana. I was surprised to find that I'd missed the international ramifications of his plagiarisms. By the time I was done reading my own work, I was seriously fired up, pulled out my press pass (yes, I have one), shined it til the reflection burned a hole in the wall and got working. I am finishing the last of the 75 inquiries I've penned to officials in his home town, 74 of which have the same last name.

While I finish the last letter, read the facts below and you'll see why all of Japan is in mortal terror of Boyerzilla.

*****

According to
early reports, Japanese fiction writers were so terrified of Boyerzilla that
they were forced to conceal Mothra, Rhodan and even the mighty Godzilla in
undisclosed theme parks and Putt-Putt golf courses scattered throughout the Land
of the Rising Sun. The initial effort did turn out well due to size
restrictions (it's hard to hide a giant moth under a windmill). It was not
until Minister of Literacy Ichiro Murakami conceived of hiding these three
greatest of all Japanese superheroes in an exhibit called "Land of the Giants"
that the general reading public was able to breathe a sigh of relief.

Hoping for another
Boyergate scoop, I Skyped Minister Murakami.

"Hello," I said.
"Can you both see and hear me?"

"What are you
selling?" replied the Minister. "I already have insurance."

I sensed a certain
level of frustration in his voice.

"I'm a
reporter," I said, "hot on the trail of breaking news stories that concern David
Boyer, the serial plagiarist from Vincennes, Indiana."

"I have no time for
reporters. Writers are rioting in the streets. There is looting here. When
rumors started that the cow-tongued plagiarist David Boyer had grown to such
monstrous proportions he was looking overseas for things to steal, the whole
Japanese population went mad!"

"How can I be
calm?Mothra is not safe. Rhodan is not safe. Godzilla is
not safe. Boyer is writing film scripts so bad his cats use
them for litter. Soon he'll start stealing our film scripts and putting his
name on them. If he claims he wrote the script for the movie "Godzilla," our
whole nation will jump into the sea. Godzilla is Japanese. Mothra and Rhodan
are Japanese. We live through a tidal wave and a nuclear meltdown only
to have to worry about Boyerzilla stealing our stuff?!"

"Minister," I
cautioned, "Boyer can't read Japanese so he's not likely to plagiarize Japanese
Godzilla movies."

His image waivered as
he shouted and banged his fist on the table.

"He can't
write in American, but he plagiarizes Americans. What do you say to
that?"

Sure, bring that
up.

"He lives in
Vincennes, Indiana and he plagiarizes Vincennes writers!"

"I have to admit that
sounds bad," I said.

"He claims to
be Christian, but he plagiarizes Christian writers!"

I had to turn down
the volume on my computer speakers- they were starting to vibrate.

"But Minister
Murakami- " I said, but he cut me off before I could complete my sentence.