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Like a baby

For various reasons, I haven’t been having a full night’s sleep lately, and I’m not going to say what those reasons are. What do you take me for? A kiss-and-tell tabloid hack?

Last night I slept.

I didn’t sleep like a baby, as anyone who has ever had a baby will tell you – they spend most nights demanding a bottle or a nappy change. I confess that some nights I do feel the call of a bottle, but I haven’t quite reached the nappy change state. Yet.

So I slept, not like a baby. It was a state of blissful unconsciousness that lasted a good ten hours.

It was broken at one stage when some “Number Withheld” cunt rang me at nine trying to persuade me to buy raffle tickets for some fucking charity. A resounding “fuck off” sorted that, and I went back to sleep again.

When I finally came downstairs I discovered that Penny had obviously been bored.

I don’t know how she did it, but she managed to drag a 400 gram box of dog biscuits, a one kilo box of dry dog-food and a two kilo box of long grain rice into the middle of the sitting room floor from the lobby. There wasn’t so much as a tooth mark on any of them so I don’t know quite how she did it. They were completely undamaged and unopened.

I wish I could say the same for the fresh roll of kitchen paper that she also found.

You have no idea just how much paper is in those rolls when they are torn up into tiny shreds.

Lady Penny seems to be quite talented. You should be proud. I once had a short haired collie that could lick all the peanut butter and jelly off of two slices of bread of a sandwich in the making without leaving a sign of either and leaving the bread completely dry and in place. If my head was fuzzy at the time (as it often is) I’d start making the sandwich all over again without realizing what happened. I often wonder to this day who was the smarter of the pair of us.