Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg ineggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine inpineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or Frenchfries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, whicharen't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, wefind that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square anda guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocersdon't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth isteeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese.So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not oneamend, that you comb through annals of history but not a singleannal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of allbut one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preacher praught? If a vegetarianeats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote aletter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committedto an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do peoplerecite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and sendcargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park ondriveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wiseman and wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee beopposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How canthe weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another.

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only whenthey are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or astrapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love?Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled,ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who ARE springchickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in whichyour house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in aform by filling it out and in which an alarm clock goes off bygoing on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflectsthe creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a raceat all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when Iwind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, Iend it

FAVORITE FANTASY17 Tall, dark and handsome25 Tall, dark and handsome with money35 Tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain48 A man with hair66 A man

HOUSE PET17 Muffy the cat25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat

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Impeach Bush and Cheney"As we enter the eighth year of the Bush-Cheney administration, I have painfully concluded that the only honorable course for me is to urge the impeachment of the president and the vice president."

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About Me

My story is simple. It is about a person who tried to find himself starting from a unrealistically far point from where he now stands. This, however, might not be the place for him, but this place already looks more promising than anything he has had before. What is vital to remember is that he never conceived a grand plan, a bright future, or a money-promising path in his life. He was and still is as spontaneous and as sporadic as they come.