My top 10 parenting fails

As the owner of three little people I often feel like I’m winging it when it comes to parenting, and the trouble with winging it is you’re going to make mistakes.

Take the latest parenting fail in our house, for example.

Within minutes of leaving the house for a (rare) evening out I had a phone call from Misery Guts asking me where the nappies were (where they always are). When I returned home several hours later I discovered both Little B and Littlest B wearing swimming nappies, because he still hadn’t managed to locate the normal ones.

He was mightily pleased with himself for hitting on the swimming nappy idea so I didn’t have the heart to tell him swimming nappies are about as much use as a chocolate tea pot when out of water, and it was quite amusing (until I forgot they were sleeping in them and went to bed, only to be woken in the middle of the night by two screaming kids soaked to the skin in two beds that needed stripping).

It was while yanking wet sheets off beds at 3 o’clock in the morning and muttering husband-inspired expletives under my breath that it occurred to me: who am I to judge? I’ve had my fair share of parenting fails too.

My top 10 parenting fails

1. Top of the list has to be the day I sent BB to perform in a school Christmas play despite the fact she’d been complaining of a sore tummy. Minutes before the performance was due to start she projectile vomited on the donkey – and the donkey was a fellow classmate. Not my finest hour – or hers, for that matter.

2. Party RSVPs. Despite the fact they come home and go straight on the fridge, despite the fact I make a mental note to RSVP as soon as the kids are in bed and despite the fact I have all the good intentions I still manage to RSVP either ridiculously late, or not at all. It’s not rudeness, honest.

3. School uniform. A bit like party RSVPs, despite all best intentions nine times out of 10 the school uniform doesn’t go in the wash until Sunday night. I’m the mum frantically waving the hair dryer at the jumper on Monday morning, and I’m the mum who sends her child into school with damp cuffs.

4. I can’t do my six-year-old’s homework. I might have A-levels in English and I might have a degree in journalism but some of what BB comes home from school with is beyond me. Thank God for Google.

5. I’ve got an almost four-year-old still in nappies. And I have no idea what to do about it.

6. I use Deliveroo – but not for food. Whoever came up with the idea of delivering ice cold wine by scooter is a genius. Because what else is a mum to do when her other half is out and the kids are in bed?

7. I’m currently using Misery Guts’s beard and stubble cream in place of moisturiser. Because I know I’ve put my moisturiser somewhere, but my sleep deprived mind can’t remember where. I know it will turn up so there’s no point buying more – and it turns out beard and stubble cream is actually quite nice.

8. I have to email myself to remind myself to do things. These emails arrive in my inbox helpfully entitled ‘Note to Self’ by Outlook, Bridget Jones-style. And notes to self rock.

9. I once picked a crying BB up from her cot at night by her feet and carried her around patting what I thought was her back and were in fact her legs for a full five minutes. Not because I was drunk, but because I was desperately, desperately tired.

10. I have absolutely no idea what’s on the top shelf of our fridge beyond the first row of jars. All I know is that what is there is wildly out of date.

What’s the latest parenting fail in your house? Have you ever come home to find the kids in swimming nappies? Do tell!

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I'm a wife, mother, freelance journalist & blogger. Not necessarily in that order. Join me as I navigate the previously unchartered territory of motherhood always safe in the knowledge there's a bottle of wine in the fridge...

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