Category: The University of Love

One reason we don’t choose to love more is that we’re afraid that love will be a burden. We’re afraid that love means we have to listen patiently to the most annoying people on earth and do whatever they ask for when they need a favor.

Well, that’s not exactly true.

To correct this myth, let’s examine one of the world’s most famous examples of love and its burden – Santa Claus himself!

As legend has it, Santa and his elves spend the year making gifts for all the good little boys and girls; and on Christmas Eve, his reindeer carry him ’round the world to deliver the gifts.

How does he do it? Well, there are many theories, but the more valuable question to ask is WHY does he do it? The answer, of course, is love, and here’s what that means:

He doesn’t do it because he has to, he does it because he WANTS to. He likes it. It brings him joy. He wants to make the world a better place. He would get bored hanging around with the elves all year if he didn’t have something meaningful to do.

And therein lies an important lesson: if you become more loving, you can still do whatever you want. If you want to serve someone, do it! You’re under no obligation. Love always only does what it wants. You can’t force it.

The best protection against letting yourself be abused by love’s “obligation” is to love yourself. Because you’re more responsible for yourself than anyone else (and they’re primarily responsible for themselves), you can prioritize your own needs first, and only put others first when you choose to. Mature love makes no excuses for this. It doesn’t respond to fear-based manipulation.

Whatever other reasons you may have to not choose to love more, they come down to either ignorance or fear.

As for ignorance: if you truly understood love, you would choose it. You would choose to have all the love you could possibly have. You would know better than to worry about love being a burden because you’d be too busy being lifted by it higher than you can now begin to comprehend.

As for fear: if you truly understood love, it would drive out all fear! Fear would utterly cease to be a factor. How does that appeal to you – to never feel afraid?!

The world’s other most-famous love-related figure is Jesus, who also addressed this fear of love’s burden when he advised us to, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”

Well, if Jesus’ burden is love – and it is! – then how can that be? Because frankly, sometimes love IS a heavy burden.

light of love, and if you take it upon you, you will certainly find rest and refreshment.

Romantic love is one of the most powerful forces on earth, and because it’s also quite complex and confusing, several common styles of counterfeits exist.

First, let’s review the Top Three reasons why we’re collectively so confused about romantic love:

People don’t understand their emotions. They’re like a foreign language that most people only speak a few words of: happy, sad, angry, frustrated, etc.
When a complex, nuanced emotion like romantic love comes along, they feel it but don’t begin to understand what it’s saying.

People didn’t have good examples to learn from, and therefore they haven’t fully matured, and this affects their actions, needs, and expectations in a relationship.

Hollywood and The Marketers use romantic love to sell films and products, and while they’re fun to watch and nice to have, their portrayals of what love is and how it works is extremely over-simplified and skewed.

Sexual conquest is often considered “manly” or a power trip. Sexual fulfillment, regardless of whether it contains a shred of love, is often sold as happiness and contentment – and it is, briefly, until reality rears its inconvnenient head.

Now let’s list some common limited, incomplete versions of romantic love:

“Accept me as I am!” If a child doesn’t receive enough unconditional love when growing up, s/he may fail to internalize it, and thus require others to demonstrate that they’re perfect just as they are.
Are they really perfect? Of course not! No one is. The trick is to be imperfect yet still feel perfectly worthy of being loved and secure.
S/he may make him/herself weak in a bid to win love due to his/her helplessness.

“Rescue me!” If a child doesn’t receive enough conditional love – or approval for doing a good job – when growing up, s/he may not feel competent and dream for a knight in shining armor or beautiful princess to save her/him.
S/he may avoid taking personal responsibility for life rather than face the daunting voices in his/her head chanting that s/he’s not competent and that things are too hard and will never work anyway.

Needy/neurotic love. When someone doesn’t know how to love his/herself and desperately needs to be loved, s/he may resort to various forms of manipulation to bind a lover to her/him.
This may include intimidation, playing the victim, and demeaning his/her partner to keep them weak and needy in return.

Attraction & sex appeal alone. Yes, it feels good. Yes, it makes you crave him/her. But if you don’t care about them, if you’re not interested in them, if the connection doesn’t go beyond your sexual appetite, then it’s not love and it won’t last. When it fails, it will bring misery and possibly heart ache.

These distortions of romantic love may seem romantic. They may seem cute and adorable, and neediness may be interpreted as devotion. There may not be much joy and spiritual growth in such relationships, but at least there’s a degree of twisted security.

If such relationships seek stasis rather than encouraging growth, that makes them the opposite of love.

Healthy relationships, on the other hand, require each partner to stand on their own two feet. Someone else’s love can’t live your life for you.

Sometimes each person will need help, and lending a hand will strengthen the relationship. But in general, each individual respects healthy boundaries and takes responsibility for their own feelings and actions.

SLIDER

Where do you fall on the “Romantic Love Counterfeits” love slider?

1: HELP ME! SOMEBODY SAVE ME! I NEED YOU TO TAKE CARE OF ME! And if you try to escape my clutch, I’ll fall to pieces and guilt you back or get angry or cry for months or kill myself and IT WILL BE ALL YOUR FAULT! THEN YOU’LL BE SORRY!!

3: Yes, I know I’m needy or controlling, but that’s just the way I am! Some people like me this way! And change is too hard, so forget it.

5: Ouch! The truth hurts! I know I’m needy or controlling or something, but I’d like to grow up and get better at this love thing!

7: Maybe I lean on my partner a little too much sometimes, but we’re both working hard and tackling life’s challenges together.

10: I feel perfectly free to be myself, express my feelings, enjoy my independence, share my life with my partner without letting them take over too much, and trust that my partner will appreciate it!

11. Going to extremes: I don’t let others help me with anything I can do for myself. It makes me uncomfortable. I feel disrespected. Or I don’t dare rely on anyone because then they’ll get tired of me and leave. Because of this, I keep people at a distance and we don’t enjoy the loving, trusting, mutually supportive connection that love is supposed to include.

FOR DISCUSSION

Few people are perfectly mature in love, so what limitations do you have? Do you ever feel needy or controlling? How much is too much?

How well does it work to be needy or controlling? How would your relationship change if you worked at being less so? How would you go about that?

HOMEWORK

Whenever you do something well or put in a good effort, give yourself credit for your competence and remind yourself that you can handle life.

Whenever you do something poorly, remind yourself that you’re still worthy of love, then catch your breath and get up and try again!

When God gave Moses the second commandment, to “love thy neighbor as thyself,” it took for granted that people already loved themselves, or at least put themselves first. In today’s culture, maybe he’d have expressed that differently. Maybe he’d have commanded, “Love thyself and thy neighbor.”

SLIDER

Where do you fall on the “Love Thyself as They Neighbor” love slider?

1: I love myself exactly as I love my neighbor; by which I mean that I hate us both!

3: Whatever, dude. I have more important things on my mind than loving myself or my neighbor.

5: I definitely love either myself or my neighbor more than the other, but I’m determined to learn from whichever one I love more to improve the way I love the one I love less.

7: I love myself and my neighbor, but one a little more than the other.

10: I love myself and my neighbor TONS, and it’s automatic, so I don’t even need to keep track.

FOR DISCUSSION

When you love yourself, how does that help you love others?

When you love others, how does that help you love yourself?

HOMEWORK

If you usually love others better than yourself, then think of the kindest things you’ve done for others recently and do them for yourself.

If you usually love yourself better than others, then think of the kindest things you’ve done for yourself recently and do them for someone else.

When you really hit it off in a new relationship, we call that “chemistry,” and we’re 100% correct in doing so, because Romantic Love is largely built on chemicals – hormones and neuropeptides that make us feel elated, excited and blissful.

The problem with these chemicals is that they mostly just care about persuading you to have sex and propagate the species. They’re notoriously poor judges when it comes to selecting a partner who you’re truly compatible with.

So go right ahead and enjoy your bliss, but be sure to let your conscious decision-making process weigh in as well!

Unfortunately, that’s easier said than done. The chemicals make everything APPEAR perfectly dreamy. This part of love truly is blind, and your subconscious mind does that on purpose in hopes of forging a permanent relationship.

If you’re really, REALLY in love; if you’re ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that you’re meant for each other and will live happily ever after; if your partner is PERFECT, then you really, REALLY NEED to answer this Compatibility Check questionnaire with your partner. Respond thoroughly and keep your eyes peeled for differences and red flags!

Red flags don’t mean your relationship is doomed. They may just make you aware of areas of possible conflict that you’ll need to work though before you paint yourself into a corner.

This questionnaire isn’t meant to be comprehensive, but it’s a darn good start!

What values do you have in common? What differences in values do you have?
“Values” are anything you feel strongly about, and may include finances, cleanliness, affection, activities and interests, religiosity, etc.

How do you express your needs and wants? What about when you’re upset? Set up a practice argument and find out whether you seek cooperation or just try to win. Hint: when you win, you lose, unless you both win together!

How good are you at compromise? What happens if one of you does most of the giving, and the other does most of the taking? What values are you unwilling to compromise on?

How well do you converse? Do you enjoy conversations? What do you like to talk about? If you don’t really enjoy talking with each other, you will quite likely grow to despise each other.

How respectful are you of each other? Research shows that signs of disrespect like rolling your eyes and sighing in exasperation can predict divorce in around 90% of cases.

What do your friends think of your partner? Sometimes friends are too picky, but they’re not as blind as you right now, so pay attention to their advice!

How much do you enjoy each other when you’re with groups of people. New romance is easy one-on-one! Joining in with others may reveal cracks that point out incompatibilities and will eventually destroy your relationship.

Congratulations on being in love! Please play it smart by carefully considering your compatibility and reduce future heart ache.

SLIDER

Where do you fall on the “Chemistry vs. Compatibility” love slider?

1: We are SO IN LOVE that we don’t need to talk! Gazing into each others’ eyes and making out are all we’ll ever need! Nothing bad can happen now!!!

3: Nobody else understands us! This is True Love and they’re just jealous. Sure, s/he has a few serious flaws, but I think they’re adorable!

5: We’re really in love, and I don’t want to ruin anything by over analyzing things just yet! There will be plenty of time for that later on.

7: I’m totally excited about this relationship, and when we get to know each other better, we’ll find out whether we want to commit to forever.

10: I’m totally excited about this relationship. We’re working to really get to know each other to make sure we’re compatible, and we seem to have real potential so far! As we work through differences maturely, we’re building a strong foundation for the future!

11. Going to extremes: are you too picky? [BTW, usually when people call you too picky, you may disregard them. You’re right to be picky. This is the most important decision you’ll ever make!] But seriously, are you TOO too picky? Do you turn tail and run whenever a red flag appears, without considering whether it’s something you can work through? Do you write people off because they don’t have the “right” hair color or because they hang the toilet paper the wrong way? If so, the fault is probably yours and maybe they’re lucky you let them go! Or maybe you’re just scared.

FOR DISCUSSION

What makes a couple compatible or not? Is it mostly about similarities and differences, or about willingness to cooperate and work through them?

What creates chemistry in a relationship? Is it mostly external factors like looks, or does compatibility play a big role?

What makes chemistry last? How important is it to you that chemistry lasts? If the thrill fades, will the relationship end, or will a deeper type of love keep things sufficiently satisfying?

HOMEWORK

If you’re in a romantic relationship, take the questionnaire above! If you’re not, take it with a friend in order to get to know yourself and each other better in preparation for a future relationship.

Observe how well you communicate respectfully, resolve conflicts, and enjoy conversation and activities with people in various circumstances.

People who say this are members of the Ego Police. How I despise them! (Or despise what they say, rather.) They’re out to beat anyone down who begins to crawl free from the cesspool of self hatred and unhappiness.

The Ego Police are closely related to the Fashion Police, who associate your self worth with whatever clothes you’re wearing.

Most Ego Police don’t do it on purpose. They got brainwashed, taught to fear love, and carried on the evil game they learned from other unwitting E.P. officers.

DO NOT BELIEVE THEM! Do not play their horrid games!

Once a year, the Ego Police stand down. On your birthday, you’re more or less allowed to let the whole day be about you. You receive gifts and cards with loving sentiments. On your birthday, you are briefly allowed to be special.

Well, I say you ought to make EVERY day like your birthday. (Especially the gifts part, if you can get others to cooperate 😉 ).

The fact is, you ARE special! You deserve to love yourself and be adored by all. Everyone does!

Furthermore, pride, arrogance, and selfishness have NOTHING to do with love. They are absolute opposites. They’re all built on fear, scarcity, and lack of love, while love is built on courage, abundance, happiness and support.

From now on, realize that the Ego Police have no actual authority besides the intimidation and fear they inspire. Realize that most E.P. officers don’t actually like what they do. It’s a long-standing habit, but one that can be quickly broken once a clear choice is presented.

Stand up as an example of loving yourself and show the world a better way!

SLIDER

Where do you fall on the “Ego Police” love slider?

1: This article is WRONG! It’s WRONG to think highly of yourself! How arrogant and stupid of you to think you know better!

3: It’s safer to put myself down before everyone else does. And as long as I’m down, I’ll drag everyone else down with me! Misery loves company!

5: I don’t like the Ego Police, but I can’t do anything about it. That’s just how people are. Always have been, always will be. I don’t dare stand up to them!

7: The Ego Police are wrong and they suck!!! I’m gonna think highly of myself no matter what they say, though I’ll be cautious about saying so out loud.

10: I love the Ego Police (though of course I strongly disagree with their actions). I’m not afraid of them and every time I see them tear someone down, I confidently build them right back up.

11. Going to extremes: if you REALLY HATE the Ego Police, be careful you don’t turn into one of them by using their fearful, hateful, non-loving methods to attack them. Also remember to counter their words and not their identities as they may need love even more than the people they undermine.

Another way to go to extremes is to be SO SICKENINGLY POSITIVE that people can’t believe you. You THINK you’re being kind, and I suppose you are, but you’re also taking responsibility for other people’s self esteem and happiness, and that simply doesn’t work. It backfires. Learn to respect healthy boundaries, love yourself as an example, and give heartfelt compliments judiciously. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge flaws when it serves the greater good.

FOR DISCUSSION

Have you ever said or done anything that would make you a member of the Ego Police? Why did you do it? Why do you think other E.P. officers say what they do?

Have you ever publicly disagreed with an Ego Police officer? How did it turn out?

HOMEWORK

Raise your right arm to the square and take this oath: I [state your name] solemnly swear to oppose the Ego Police by standing up for loving myself and others at all times and inviting others to do the same.

Next time someone cuts you down, reply unapologetically and with a confident grin, “Whatever. I’m AWESOME!!!”

If you don’t love yourself, there’s a good chance you don’t feel loved by others. Well, you may not know it, and others may not know it, but everyone loves you.

Take a fresh look at your friends and family. Maybe they don’t love you the way you want them to love you or the way you need them to love you, but how they love you is not your choice.

Train your brain to scan for signs of love and affection and wishing you well. If you look for it, you’ll find it. Let that evidence accumulate and replace your doubts.

Everyone wants you to succeed. They want you to GLOW with happiness and joy and satisfaction. They want you to be loved deeply and quickly grow to your greatest potential.

Unfortunately, people are often blinded by fear. They believe in scarcity, that there’s not enough to go around. They worry about their own needs and wants and loneliness and forget to cheer you on.

But consider this: if they had everything they needed, in moments when their fears subsided, they would wish for your happiness. It’s human nature to love – and we would! All. The. Time. If it weren’t also human nature to fear. 🙁

So you see that deep down, in their true heart of hearts, everyone loves you and wants you to thrive, even if they don’t realize it yet. Give them time. Give them love. We can all get there together.

SLIDER

Where do you fall on the “You Are Loved” self love slider?

1: You hate yourself, and so does everyone else. You hurt yourself, and so does everyone else. You don’t even want to try to learn a new way, and nobody would believe it anyway, so why try?

3: You despise yourself, a perspective learned by the cold, unloving world. Whenever you “try” to think a kind thought about yourself, you immediately skip to the excuses and list all the things wrong with you. It’s better to stay down rather than get back up only to get punched in the mouth again.

5: You are highly aware of your faults and assume that they make you unlovable to most people, but a few other losers stand by your side, for now. You’re mostly blind to your strengths and redeeming qualities, and you discount those, perhaps wishing for external love to rescue you and make everything better.

7: You like yourself. You assess your strengths and weaknesses fairly, and come out looking pretty good! Love is a scarce, competitive commodity, so it’s a good thing you’re a little better than some less fortunate people.

10: OH, MY GOSH! You ADORE yourself and so does everybody else! As for all those people who don’t show their excitement about you, well, that doesn’t matter. Maybe they’re having a bad day. They just need more love!

11. Going to extremes: some people who SEEM to believe that everyone loves them are only compensating for a deep sense of insecurity. They *try* to believe it, they do their best to act cheerful and confident, but their denial may prevent them from seeking real solutions and prolong their suffering and deep sense of loneliness.

FOR DISCUSSION

How would it feel to believe that everyone loves you? If you try on that thought for a while, might some of it stick permanently?

Why do people cling to negative feelings and expectations? Is it possible to cling to positive thoughts instead?

HOMEWORK

Observe your projections – in other words, notice how YOU THINK others think of you. Notice how aware you are of others and their acceptance or rejection of you.

Consciously choose your projections – as you walk down the street or through the office, imagine strangers, friends, and your boss thinking positive things about you. Notice how this changes the way you feel about yourself.

Have you ever been to a ball game? You walked in and took your seat, maybe munched on popcorn or a hot dog, and when your team scored, you leapt to your feet and screamed your head off as suddenly as if a hill of fire ants just erupted under your chair.

YOU didn’t score any points. YOU didn’t train for years to prepare for this moment. YOU didn’t run back and forth, dripping with sweat, struggling against the opposing team.

Yet even so, the victory is YOURS as much as theirs. You have every right to cheer! That’s what sports are all about.

There would be no reason for the players to do what they do without fans to cheer them on.

Now apply this to your love life, because that is exactly what love does. It celebrates the wins of other people.

When was the last time you celebrated someone else’s success?

You don’t need to be in love to cheer for someone. Just as you can cheer for any ball team you choose, you can cheer for any other person you want.

(This doesn’t give you permission to stalk them and become a creeper, of course. Regular people don’t put themselves on display the way sports teams do.)

When you take joy in someone else’s win, you increase the amount of love and joy in the world. In love, everybody wins.

SLIDER

Where do you fall on the Celebrates love slider?

1: you are a spoiled brat, a poor loser, and a poor winner. You don’t care about anyone else’s win and feel like their success diminishes you. You throw tantrums when you lose, curse a lot, and leave everyone else staring at you in shock with their mouths agape.

3: you are a sociopath or a narcissist. If it’s not your victory, then you couldn’t care less.

5: you’re competitive and love to win and talk smack. Even when someone beats you or your team, you’re reluctant to admit it. You enjoy seeing others lose as much as win.

7: you’re a pretty good sport, and when someone else wins, you can shake hands and say, “Good game” without getting an ulcer. If the other team makes a spectacular play, you don’t mind admitting that you’re impressed.

10: there’s no such thing as an “other team.” You’re on everyone’s side. Sure, you can play competitively and it’s fun to win, but it’s truly “not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game.”

FOR DISCUSSION

Why DON’T we automatically celebrate each others’ wins more often? What feelings get in the way?

How do you feel when you know others are cheering for you and on your side? How does that change your behavior?

HOMEWORK

Look around and count how many victories by other people you can observe in 24 hours. Count any success you want – from as large as getting a raise at work to as small as being allowed to merge in traffic.

Notice how celebrating others’ successes changes how you feel. Notice how it changes the way others feel about you.

Welcome to LOVE110. Now that you’ve studied the overviews of what love is and how it works in LOVE101, you’re ready to move from abstract concepts to dozens of specific applications to make you a better lover.

You may have registered for this course because you want to be loved more, and that is a worthy goal. We all need more love. We deserve more! It would make the world a better place in every way.

To Love or Be Loved, That is the Question

When people seek more love, they usually focus on becoming more lovable, and they usually do this by trying to become more attractive – by getting skinny and tan, wealth and prestige, stability, sense of humor, or whatever social currency they can drum up.

Erich Fromm summed it up nicely sixty years ago:

“Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved, rather than that of loving, of one’s capacity to love. Hence the problem to them is how to be loved, how to be lovable.

What most people in our culture mean by being loveable is essentially a mixture between being popular and having sex appeal.”

The fact that attractive, wealthy, famous people feel just as lonely as the rest of us proves that this formula does not work.

It’s incredible how little we’ve learned in half a century!!!

Nothing external ensures that you’ll be loved. The only guaranteed way to get more love in your life is to generate it yourself, and LOVE 110 will show you how.

You’ll learn dozens of Love Abilities and you can test yourself on the Sliders to find out where you shine and where you have room to improve :).

Love is kinda like gravity. Nobody knows *exactly* what it is or how it works, but since we all experience it daily, only scientists go around asking, “What is gravity? How does it work?”

On the other hand, love is NOT like gravity, because anybody can fall down, but only a small portion of love is the kind you just fall into – and even falling in love can ruin your life if you don’t know what you’re doing.

Oh, sure, you THINK you know how to fall in love because it FEELS right, but feelings are…just feelings and they don’t have everything figured out. There’s a lot more to love than just feelings.

Falling in love is less like falling off a log into a refreshing pool of clear, cool water, and more like falling down a steep, snowy mountain, dodging rocks and trees with a pair of skis strapped to your feet.

It’s more like falling off a skyscraper with a wing suit and a parachute. No wonder so many people get hurt.

Anyway, in LOVE 101, you’ll get the big picture of what love is and how it works, so read on!

The first thing that love is is…a word, and the thing about words is that they mean whatever we say they mean. That’s how words work.

In this case, we’ve assigned a LOT of meanings to these four letters. No wonder it gets a bit confusing!

It’s kinda like the word “dog.” Everybody THINKS they know what it means, but the word elicits very different images in people’s minds.

Not only is there a LOT of variation between dogs in size, shape, color, and demeanor, but what happens when you see a reddish animal with a long, fluffy tail? Is that a fox or a dog? Or is a fox also a dog? And when a Great Dane walks up and it’s as tall as you – shouldn’t that be a horse?

Well, the word “love” is even more confusing that that.

This video explains a dozen distinct things we often call love, from “liking” a lot to sex to True Love. Watch and then decide which definitions are really love and which aren’t.

Once you more clearly understand the many definitions of love, you may find it easier to understand your own feelings, motivations and personal experience of love.

SLIDER

Where do you fall on the “Love is a Word” love slider?

1: Who cares? This website has nothing useful for me.

3: Don’t confuse me with words! I mean, don’t clear up my confusion! I’d rather live with my illusions for as long as possible than grow up and face reality.

5: I see your point, but I’m not 100% convinced. I like the thrill of romance better than the joy of true love.

7: Sometimes I’m selfish or expect too much of my friends and romantic partners, but I’m learning to do better!

11. Going to extremes: now that you’re armed with some knowledge about love, don’t beat everyone over the head with it. Don’t expect that understanding these concepts should transform instantly into the ability to love perfectly. Growing up and learning to love takes time and practice, so be patient (which is one of the things love does so well!).

FOR DISCUSSION

How “mature” is your love for various people? How much do you care about their well being and progress vs. hoping to get something for yourself from the relationship?

How much do you enjoy investing yourself for others? What results do you notice from your love efforts?

HOMEWORK

Rewatch your favorite romance movie, or listen to your favorite songs about love, and identify evidence of various love types or stages. What do the characters seem to understand or misunderstand about love?

Practice some of the Love Abilities from LOVE 110 and observe your feelings. How good are you at experiencing love’s joy?

It’s like anything else alive. It has a beginning, and from there, it either grows or dies.

If you understood how the whole process works, you could help. You could nurture the good seeds and pull the weeds early, before they grew deep roots and spread their pesky seeds in your garden (life).

This video explains the process and brings you one step closer to understanding what love is and how it works.

10: Love can *totally* be learned and mastered! It’s not so difficult once you know how, and it’s FUN to practice!

11. Going to extremes: yes, you can learn to love more and draw more of it into your life, but not by pithy Pinterest quotes alone. Go ahead and share them if they inspire you, but be sure to also study the big picture and put effective actions into practice.

FOR DISCUSSION

Looking back at your life experience, when would you have made better decisions if you had a clearer understanding about how love works?

Which parts of the love process are most useful to understand and why?

HOMEWORK

Watch your favorite romantic movie and observe each stage of the love process in action. Does the growing relationship seem realistic or does the script suggest that love simply happens when you get the right two people together and then lasts forever?

Practice each segment of the love process:
– find beauty, goodness, and value in everything possible.
– observe what happens when you care about someone or something, and how you treat it differently.
– nurture your relationship with someone you love (or would like to love more) and notice how it affects your feelings and motivations.
Discuss your experiences with a friend or on social media.