For example, the Earth really is flat. As in totally flat, like a sheet of glass. The definition of flat is “having a level surface; without raised areas or indentations”. So how can you have tall buildings and mountains if the Earth is flat? You can’t. Q.E.D. It would be like saying a hedgehog is flat, which, barring an unfortunate encounter with a heavy goods vehicle, it clearly isn’t.

Some might take issue with this, based on the flimsy evidence that they can see buildings, hills, trees, mountains and things like that everywhere, and may even be in or on them right now. This is just another example of how blinkered people are. If you look closely, the clues are everywhere.

There’s no such thing as a mountain, they’re just optical illusions caused by light refracting off all the mind-altering chemicals in the air. Photograph: PR

For instance, what’s the tallest supposed mountain on Earth? Everest. Except it isn’t. The name is a giveaway; it’s clearly a morphing of “never rest”, because if you wanted to go to the biggest mountain you’d literally never rest, because it isn’t actually there. What about all those people who have climbed it, you say? Well, consider all the people who have died supposedly doing so. How do you die climbing something that isn’t there? You can’t. They were obviously killed to protect the conspiracy, whereas those who “survived” were willing to play ball.

And if that isn’t clear enough, pretty much everyone who attempts to climb Everest takes oxygen with them. Why would you do that when there’s oxygen all around us, in the air? Wherever they’re going, it isn’t on Earth. You know where you do need oxygen, though? THE MOON! That’s where they’re going. So-called mountaineers are being sent to the moon in order to fake climbing Everest. This is why Nasa had to fake the moon landing with astronauts, because it was already full of mountaineers and they couldn’t risk exposing that conspiracy. See how it all adds up?

Some might still object, because they’re currently sitting in a tall building. They’re not though, they only “think” they are. In truth, everyone is breathing in a potent mix of hallucinogens that are constantly in the air around us, and these cause us to perceive buildings and tall things where there are none. How did these hallucinogens get in the air? Well, that’s what chemtrails are actually for.

Some refer to “false flags” at times like this. In truth, all flags are false; they’re non-existent tall structures, so are just figments of our collective imagination.

This leads us on to other considerations though, like how thick is the Earth? It may be totally flat, but nobody said it’s two-dimensional. It must have a thickness, because we can go underground or underwater. Unlike mountains, the oceans are clearly real, because otherwise where did Atlantis go?

The deepest part of the ocean we know about is the Mariana trench, a full 7 miles down. This means the Earth is at least 7 miles thick, and probably a lot more so, because that’s a lot of water on top of it and it would need to be solid enough to keep it all in, lest all of the seas leak out of the bottom of the world. This clearly isn’t happening, even if you do ignore the nonsense that is rising sea levels due to global warming. How can you have global warming without a globe to warm? Hoisted by your own petard there, scientists!

When you follow this train of logic, it becomes clear that the only feasible conclusion is that Earth is indeed flat. Flatter than anyone has ever expected.

Either that, or the human brain has a habit of looking for patterns in innocuous or coincidental occurrences, ascribing great significance to any connection it can find and trying to make sense of them despite the absence of any concrete evidence. But seriously, that’s a bit of a far-fetched claim isn’t it?

Dean Burnett covers the neurological mechanisms leading to conspiracy theories and more in his debut book The Idiot Brain,