Personal Musings of My Journey To and Through Recovery

alcohol and truth

I am in love with my life! I cannot ever remember a time when I felt so truly alive…unencumbered by the murky depths of the past and personal nonsense. I think that all the coaching, training, personal development and gratitude are finally paying off and things could not be better than they are at the moment. But life wasn’t always peachy and as someone in long-term recovery I am ever vigilant of becoming complacent about my sobriety. Arrogance is a sure fire way to let down one’s guard and then suddenly before someone knows it they’ve somehow fallen back into active addiction. Rehab facilities and mutual-help groups are full of people who were living the dream, only to find themselves back in the clutches of their disease.

And yes, the more I study and research, the more I think that addiction is a disease. I know that there are differing schools of thought on this, but I cannot for an instance see how this affliction we bear can be due to some kind of moral failing on our parts! Certainly, before we become clean and sober through whatever means we choose, our moral compasses my have been temporarily on the fritz due to our illness, but this does not mean that addicts are without a set of personal norms, values and principles. Okay, so we might slip off our personal path in this respect while we are feeding the beast, but this isn’t to say that we are devoid of moral fibre. The degree to which we veer from our personal code may differ, depending on which substance we are abusing, but this doesn’t make addicts bad people. I think that it’s a case of (generally) good people, doing bad things.

In my years spent in bars I saw even the most principled people do questionable things after a few too many. It happens! It is certainly not a true reflection of who they are when they are going about their daily lives. Yet there seems to be this antiquated idea that addicts have somehow failed in this area and hence their dependence. God, there have been times in the past when I was so ashamed of my behaviour that I could hardly face people for weeks following a particularly boozy night out…which became cumulative over time. And yes guilt (I have done bad things) does inevitably lead to shame (I am a bad person), but this is only exacerbated by the collective stigma that addiction carries. We don’t choose to be crippled by dependence because we are modern-day social pariahs! It’s definitely (Not) what every little girl wants to be.

I was at a coaching boot camp recently when the facilitator was telling a particularly personal story about the deterioration of his marriage and his slide into debilitating depression. It was about how a psychologist had taken a leap of faith regarding the payment of sessions because he was in such dire need of help, and this coach put it down to the fact that it was because his therapist could see he “wasn’t an alkie or anything”! I was a little stunned by his insensitivity towards addiction, especially being someone who works in the field of coaching, but it just drove home how important it is to try and educate and inform people about addiction. And the reality is that everyone is touched by it in some form. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a loved one who is grappling with dependence, be it drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, gaming…to name the more common ones!

According to certain experts in the field of addiction there are multiple factors to consider as to why someone might become an addict, including genetics, stress and chronic use of synthetic chemicals, as well as identity issues and family stressors. And along with the physical, and emotional and mental deterioration, there is spiritual degeneration which encompasses the area of morality. But it is certainly not a lack of any sort of values, principles and morals, albeit they be different for different people, that leads to a person with a predisposition to become an habitual user and more often than not, someone who finds themselves suffering from a substance abuse disorder. But as to which comes first, the chicken-and-egg theory has no place in this debate. Yes, addicts do bad things under the influence and in order to support their habits, but I speak from personal experience when I say that doesn’t make us bad people.

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Before I get into my post today, I just want to express my gratitude to the people who follow my blog. It’s always humbling to think that my words are being read by others and I really appreciate that! If you are at all interested in sharing the story of your journey to or through recovery, please have a look at “Walking the Road Together“. I’d love to share your thoughts with my readers and truly believe that we are made stronger by being members of a community of bloggers who are a major part of our sustained sobriety. I find your stories so personally inspiring that I would love to share them with others.

Now to the business of the day. Recently a close family member told me that their spouse had voluntarily entered a six-week rehabilitation program. I’m delighted for her and wish her all the best, but it raised some interesting questions among close friends and family regarding the level of support that we are required to give once she returns to the “real world”. Anyone who has been through a rehab program will probably agree that after the first few days of settling in, whether that be experiencing any level of withdrawal or coming to terms with the fact that your addiction has got to a point where you require professional help, it’s not a terrible place to be! You’re surrounded by people who understand what you’re going through, whether they be fellow patients or well-trained professionals.

Your days are tightly scheduled and busy, and you’re completely focused on getting sober and kicking your habit for good. You get to talk about your feelings, identify your triggers, come to a clearer understanding of your addiction and not worry about too much else. I thrived in rehab, as I discussed in a previous post, but once I was outside the “pink bubble”, I didn’t manage to stay sober for more than 6 months. Once I got back into the real world with work, bills, stress and accessible alcohol it was a lot trickier than within the nurturing four walls of the facility that I was in. I was overly confident that I would not be a repeat patient, being one of the few people who was not on their third or fourth rotation.

The fact is that rehab is expensive and once you leave there is almost zero follow-up. My Recovery Coach trainer talks of the incredible post-care he has received since being diagnosed with Diabetes, in the form of phone calls, educational material and follow-up support. Correct me if I am wrong, but most people who leave rehab don’t receive that level of concern. There’ll probably be a session or two about how one should find a support group and attend meetings, but following the level of attentiveness over the proceeding weeks I personally don’t think that it is nearly enough to ensure that people stay clean and sober. The relapse rates are high, in my opinion, simply because after being cosseted and propped up for weeks, there is not really much of a transition phase. Of course it is the individual’s responsibility to be in charge of their sobriety, but boy it’s not easy being tossed from the rehab nest!

And this also begs the question as to the responsibilities of our nearest and dearest on our homecoming… Because addiction is our cross to bear, and although we need the love and support of our families, we cannot expect them to change their lives because we have a problem. We need to find our new place in the world after rehab in the face of the myriad of challenges out there. People are going to be drinking when you go to your first social event, it’s as simple as that! You cannot expect it to be any different and if we’re going to stay sober we need to learn to deal with it. It’s inevitable that certain people within your social circle fall away, but it’s going to be a very lonely Road to Recovery if you think that your immediate family and friends will change their consumption habits – it’s not going to happen. They may be more aware of them in our first few weeks, but believe me that if you start trying to change them you are going to be met with resistance.

If you’ve been there you can probably relate to what I’m saying. If you’re in early recovery let this be a cautionary tale. Our family and friends love us, but generally don’t want to think that they are like us! They’ll support us by listening to us, maybe even attending educational or information sessions about addiction, but very very rarely will they be prepared to moderate their behaviour in the long-term. And like I said that is something we have to come to terms with or it will be poison in our long-term recovery. So I long ago made peace with the fact that one of the elements that I needed to include in my recovery was being okay with the drinking habits of the people around me, and the fact that they continue to do so is not because they don’t care about me, it’s just that they are were not hit with the addiction stick. And if they were, well that’s their decision to make, not mine to preach about.

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I’m sitting here and staring at the keyboard, feeling like I want to post something today, but not quite sure what it is… And the more I think about it the less I am coming up with. I’m feeling a little distracted and in one of those moods when I cannot fully focus on one task in particular. I find that sometimes the idea of buckling down and completing a job that requires any level of thought and concentration are way beyond me. The idea of grinding away at something that will only bring gratification in the long term, rather than being instantaneous, is more than I want to deal with. I have a long list of things I need to do even though it’s Saturday. From tasks as menial and mindless as attacking the big basket of ironing that is glaring at me from the corner of my bedroom to spending a good chunk of time working through my coaching notes for my final assessment in a couple of weeks.

What I’d really like to do is lounge next to a crystal clear ocean, preferably in a hammock, quietly whiling away the hours with a good book and languorous conversation with my guy. It’s not going to happen today, especially considering that I am surrounded by thousands of kilometres of desert, being scantily clad is completely forbidden and the man I mention is on another continent. And then I start to feel a little guilty about the fact that there are so many things on my to-do list and I really just don’t feel like doing any of them. But I need to stop now and remember my own advice and look for the positive intention that the lack of concentration is bringing me and there it is… My brain is tired! I work a normal(ish) 5-day work week, but my weekends and evenings are taking up coaching and studying. And by sitting here and looking at what I should be doing and making myself feel bad about it, I should rather just accept that maybe I need an afternoon (or at least a few hours) to mentally recuperate.

This is something I never learned to do while I was drinking. If I hit any sort of resistance to the things I was trying to do, I’d simply push through and then get to the stage where I was utterly exhausted. Generally what would follow would be a good binge session to reward myself for all my hard work, to be tailed by at least one day of feeling high levels of physical and emotional remorse, only to complete the cycle by pushing myself extra hard to make up for the days I’d lost drinking and recovering. A vicious, unhealthy pattern of overwork and complete avoidance thereof. So if I have to be honest with myself I guess that there are still times I begin to enter into that negative cycle. Except now instead of getting to the point where I throw up my hands and grab a strong drink (or ten), I am learning to identify that I am in need of some downtime and do just that. Because sitting at my desk and not getting anything done is just fooling myself that I am actually working.

It’s taken me years of personal development and introspection to understand these elements of self, and sometimes I am still incredibly hard on myself. But truthfully I have my coaching work and personal coach of the past six months to thank for these insights. I may think I am being lazy or unproductive, but now I’ve started to see that I need to listen to these “negative” feelings and see what they are trying to bring me. What’s wrong with being lazy once in a while? What’s the harm in taking a Saturday afternoon off to enjoy a good book? It’s a whole lot better than dashing off to the bar with the first person you can find to accompany you, and then spending the night getting steadily inebriated. And we all have a version of how that story ends…

It’s so easy to get caught in insane patterns as a recovering alcoholic, replacing previously destructive behaviours with new “healthy” ones. But addiction comes in all shapes and forms. It’s a case of being constantly vigilant with myself and picking up the early signs that I might just be tending towards getting into a dark vortex of extremes. Working too much, studying too hard, being too needy in my relationship or any other kind of extreme behaviour. I guess I have to accept that this is part of who I am and be aware that replacing one addiction with another (even if it’s not the kind that’s tied to a toxic substance) is something I need to keep in check. I’ve even gone through stages where I’ve become obsessed with exercising or healthy eating at the expense of everything else. What I’m constantly striving for is sustainable balance and I feel like I am getting closer all the time, but I cannot ignore the “Little Professor” inside me who is constantly trying to remind me what I need to do to maintain this long-term equilibrium.

Writing this post has made me realise that I need to switch off from my work, grab a cup of tea and find a sunny spot to enjoy a few hours of reading. That perhaps the best time to relax is when you don’t have time for it. Then I will be able to come back to the things I need to do refreshed and mentally relaxed, feeling good that I honoured my need to just be.

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I realised today that through all the personal and professional work I am doing I have started thinking about my recovery a lot more recently. As I’ve written about before I do not believe that we should let this disease define who we are! If you had a life-threatening illness such as cancer, you wouldn’t lead with that in a conversation with a new acquaintance would you!? You might get to it at some stage in the proceedings, but it’s hardly what you open with… I don’t want to be defined by my inability to control my drinking, not being able to stop once I’ve started. Six years of sobriety have shown me that I am not lacking in willpower and strength, and that it’s just something that I honestly have no mental control over.

I can avoid bad food, I can skirt potentially hostile dinner conversation topics, I can commit myself to personal and professional endeavours, yet when it comes to saying no to another drink I am powerless in the face of its magnetism. I find it odd that something that is actually potentially deadly for some of us has such a strong pull on us! Temptation is not an overriding problem for me in general and I do watch myself around alcohol, but I’ve got the facts and awful memories so clearly mapped out that I can access the reasons I don’t drink instantaneously. I can run down the list of “why not to have a drink” without breaking my stride. And “the list” is always close at hand for easy referral should I ever think that I would be able to have just one drink.

I’m not under any illusion when it comes to this… It might be a couple of drinks the first time, but this number inevitably ends up growing and before long it’s back to the “Friday Night Binge and Blackout Special”. I’ve been down that road a couple of times. One drink is too many and 20 isn’t enough!? So in my mind I carry around my list of “Why I don’t drink…”. There are plenty of points on that list and different situations may call for me to tap into different reasons, but at the end of the day they all boil down to the same thing. If I had one drink my life would start to unravel…slowly at first, but then with increasing speed as I drank more and was sucked back into the destructive vortex of my drinking habits. So when I have a day that I think it would be nice to have a little glass of wine to take off the edge, I need to go to my list and find a reason not to. It might seem strange to some people that I need to remind myself why I don’t drink at times, but there it is. There are nights when I’d love to nestle down on the couch and sip steadily on a bottle of wine, while the strains and stresses of the week washed away. But as a recovering alcoholic this is not even a remote possibility.

Sometimes I get annoyed that I had to stop drinking, because then I’d be able to alter my mental state when things are not going well. I do get upset that I was hit with the genetic alcoholic stick! Why can’t I have a drink or two to relax my frayed nerves? Get out of my head and not worry about the things that are going on around me? But the truth is that there is no escape from reality when you make the decision to give up drinking. Of course there ways of learning to be more present, comfortable and centred, but they are a lot more challenging to master than lifting the proverbial elbow. And then when I start to think like that it’s time to go to the list and remind myself how awful it feels to be miserable and hungover after a night of binge drinking. That one normally does it, but then there’s also the increased disposable income, the health benefits, the clear conscience, the time for things I love and of course happy personal relationships. And that’s a lot to give up for a couple of hours of mental respite.

So even though I have to admit that I wouldn’t mind slipping into a fuzzy head space every now and again, it’s not worth the price I’d end up paying. There are the occasional cravings when I’m having a bad day or there’s a special celebration going on that I’d like to feel more relaxed at. But then I think about why and refilling my water-glass or having a cup of coffee doesn’t seem so bad. I love being sober and I love my life without hangovers, hazy memories, a depleted bank account and personal misunderstandings. And I’m learning to balance my life better each day so that the wonderful elements of my life are the ones that take precedence. And when the less savoury parts pop their heads up, I am always quick to honour and acknowledge them, because they are a reminder of a time past when things were not as good as they are now and how long it’s taken me to get here.

And once the moments of craving pass I lovingly fold “the list” and slip it back into its own space so that I know where to find it when I will need to look at it sometime in the future. I’m never sure when I’m going to have to take it out, but it’s always there when I do.

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I’ve had a really really tough week! Yup, it was one of those weeks where every little trick I’ve learned for centering myself, being present and finding a personal balance seemed ineffectual. I was quite literally an emotional and mental wreck for most of the last seven days. And then I stopped and took stock. I’d forgotten to honour my need to rest and recuperate. I’d forgotten to stop for a minute. I’d forgotten to put my personal needs above the needs of others. I’d just been the “YES” girl and I’d let everything get on top of me.

Sometimes I forget that I’m still an infant in the area of knowing myself and my true needs. That for many years whenever something challenging happened in my life I’d grab my bag, slip on a pair of fabulous heels and head out to the nearest party. Because I refused to drink alone, as in my mind that epitomised alcoholism, I would simply find people to share my binges. After all the bars of the world are full of people who don’t have drinking problems and are simply blowing off some steam. What’s the harm in a night on the town to get over the strains and stresses of the week? Of course I was kidding myself at the time, but a night of revelry was just the ticket to being in the moment in those days. Maybe that’s why sometimes I find it so hard to be present at times, because if there is one thing that drinking does is that it keeps you so firmly in the now. You’re not worried about tomorrow that’s for sure…not until tomorrow comes anyway! And it always does, but until then each minute is lived to its very fullest with no regard for what will happen next.

There are days when I long for that escape, where time is of no consequence and the biggest worry of the evening is going to be who will buy the next round. So when I have a week like I had this week and there is nothing to help me refocus except for the skills that I have learned, it all gets a bit much. Living away from the people I love doesn’t help in these situations because instead of coming out and asking for help and support, I tend to become clingy and needy. Rather than simply admitting that I am feeling weak and helpless, I turn into the person I least like and whom the people in my life get rather annoyed with. So this week I bottled it all up until I reached breaking point and the emotional walls came tumbling down around my ears. Not really something you want to hear from someone who is planning to make their life’s work Recovery Coaching, but I’m still learning to find my core when it comes to these really dark weeks! And then I stopped! I breathed! I rested! And I honoured my need to be vulnerable and weak and in doing so I found my balance.

Taking to my bed and sleeping for an entire day seems to have brought me back to a place where I am not being ruled by unbridled emotion and where I can think and act with a greater objectivity. When I am in these emotively driven spirals I almost feel like I am drowning and although the personal development work I am doing constantly means that I can get through these dark times a lot quicker than before, they still catch me unawares. It’s been a while since I felt like this and it did catch me by surprise, because I wasn’t expecting it. Yet when I look back on the days proceeding it I should have known it was coming. Not only do I live in an environment at the moment that is completely foreign and unnatural, but I have very little real human contact. I go weeks without even touching another person simply because the people around me are largely colleagues with whom I have a professional relationship. It has driven home over the last months how incredibly important physical intimacy is. And I’m not even talking sexually here. There are days would I would gargle live scorpions just for a hug. Then there are the daily stresses of work and an ongoing wrangle with my HR department over a large amount of money they owe me. And the fact that the only place I really want to be is back in South Africa building the life I am envisioning for myself.

So sitting here today, feeling more my positive and energised self, I have to say that being vulnerable and admitting that I am weak at times, does not make me a lesser person. What it does do is make me stronger through it’s personal honesty. It doesn’t make me any less of a person than I was, rather through admitting that I am not always as focused and centred, and that I am constantly learning and acquiring new skills, I actually become stronger. So today I embrace my emotional vulnerability and honour the fact that even though I am constantly trying to be more present that there are times when I fail at this. But I do believe that it is only through overcoming failure and personal challenges that we grow and develop as individuals, with more to offer, more to share and more to give to ourselves and those around us. And that in weakness there is strength…

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Practising gratitude is something that many people advocate and over the last few months I’ve made a concerted effort to include it in my daily routine. Normally there is something that happens during my day that I am truly grateful for. It doesn’t have to be anything monumental… Perhaps it’s a message that I receive or a little event during the day that reminds me how truly blessed my life is. And there are days when I have to think about it more deeply. Yet there is always something. And the more aware I’ve become aware of expressing my gratitude, the more I have had to be grateful for.

I’m not saying that every day is a blissful experience for me because of this, but I am saying that even on the bad days (and we all have them) I can find something to be thankful for. By opening myself up to possibilities by doing this daily, countless opportunities are beginning to unfold for me. Over the last few weeks I have experienced a deepening of a personal relationship, exciting professional developments and an ever-increasing sense of inner peace. Along with being grateful, I’ve also spent months really working on my personal development which has brought me greater empowerment along with a far better understanding of self. This hasn’t always been easy and I’ve dug deep to find the answers within to keep me growing as a person.

I’ve recently completed my course to become a life coach (I just need to complete my assessments) and over the next few months will begin specialising in Recovery Coaching. I’m in the process of planning a business, developing a website and communicating with people in the area of further training. The days don’t feel long enough at the moment with all the planning, research and study I am doing towards my aspirations to becoming a recovery coach. For the first time I finally know where my true purpose lies and the work that it’s going to take to get me there is invigorating rather than being daunting. I’m constantly thinking about ideas, writing notes and setting up systems that I am going to use to bring creative awareness to the recovery of those who chose to make the journey, as well as my sustained sobriety. One thing leads to another and I am discovering that I have a unique skill set that will allow me the privilege of aiding in the recovery of others. The thought of being able to pay this wonderful experience forward fills me with energy and focus. I read a wonderful blog post this morning by William L. Smith about how recovery is contagious and I loved the idea of this.

All the personal development I have endeavoured to do has started to come to fruition and make sense as I spend more time in the presence of the present. Brene Brown’s “Daring Greatly” which I am reading at the moment is also reinforcing that having embraced my vulnerability and opened myself up to opportunities and possibilities in all areas of my life, no matter how scary they may feel, has also had an enormous impact on my personal development. There are moments when I still question and worry, allow the anxiety to take root, but these are becoming shorter and more infrequent. And the beauty of the work I am doing is that I recognise these fearful moments now, look for the lesson they are trying to bring me and rather than fighting the feelings for long periods of time, I acknowledge them and they seem to disappear. I was dubious when I was first introduced to this idea, but I sit here after a few months of embracing this notion and have to admit that it works.

So today I am truly grateful for everything I have experienced and learned over the last six months of my recovery and coaching journey. And as I continue to practice the Habit Of Gratitude, I know that as the months and years unfold there will be more precious people, experiences and events that will fill my life. So before you go onto the next thing today, just take a few minutes to be thankful for something, just one thing, that you have today, because tomorrow there will be more.

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Being in a new relationship can be emotionally overwhelming and something of a roller coaster ride, especially when it’s time to talk about your addiction. But being honest about it can be incredibly rewarding when the person you open up to is understanding and supportive. Of course people are curious as to why I don’t drink and because I am not prepared to let my alcoholism define who I am, I want people to get to know that there are so many more facets to me than the fact I have battled addiction and that continued sobriety is a fundamental part, but it’s not all, of who I am. Last night I had the opportunity to have an honest, open conversation with an incredibly important person in my life. It’s not like I’ve been hiding it from him, it’s just that I didn’t want it to be the part of me that we focused on as we spent the last months getting to know one another. I’m pretty sure we’d have had the chat sooner if it wasn’t for the fact that we are in a long-distance relationship at the moment and it’s something I wanted to do while we were together. I don’t think that there is a perfect time to have this discussion, but I chose to wait until we knew one another better and it seemed less daunting.

You can never be sure of the reaction that someone will have to this complete disclosure, but I do think that letting it define who we are means that it becomes a focus, complete with the fears of what the future may hold. Nothing is certain in any relationship, but at some stage it’s central to the progression of truly letting someone into your life. It’s scary thinking that it could be make-or-break point, because perhaps the person is not prepared to take it on in their life. Yet I was pleasantly surprised at the easy nature of the conversation and his willingness to accept that it was part of me and that I am in the process of turning my addiction into my new career in the field of addiction coaching. It says so much about a person when they remain open-minded to this element of who you are, rather than letting it overshadow everything else they have seen of you. I count myself among the very lucky ones who has found someone who sees me as a whole person, complete with things in my past that may not be something he would chose in a partner. He’s prepared to continue the journey with me and should there be anything that arises in the future closely linked to my sobriety, he’s agreed that we will deal with it then.

This morning as I write this I feel like our relationship has taken on a new depth and that the honesty has brought a lightness to our being together. Perhaps he better understands that some of my less attractive qualities, like my deep-seated need for assurance and emotional support, stem from the fact that I have not always been able to look to myself for these things. We spent an incredible evening together and both spoke frankly about who we are. This being my first relationship since I stopped drinking I am learning all sorts of things about myself that I didn’t know and how to consider another person and their feelings about certain types of interaction. It’s another exciting dimension of my sobriety because I’ve been more than a little nervous about how I would handle myself in this situation. And there have been times when I haven’t done it particularly well, but it’s almost like learning a new skill set. I’ve stumbled a few times, let me neediness and self-doubt take over, but the more time I spend in an intimate relationship the more I’m finding my feet and starting to feel relaxed in this new place I find myself.

I’ve made myself vulnerable, admitted that I might well make mistakes and that I am learning as I go, but the rewards are so exponential. It’s taken a long time for me to get to the place where I am able to feel comfortable enough in my sobriety to get involved, because I believe that I am able to bring more to a partnership than I have ever been able to do. That I’m not going to fall apart the first time something goes a little off course and I’m faced with emotional difficulty. I’ve become more adept at dealing with the daily challenges that life presents and not running off to find solace in a stiff drink – better equipped to approach life with a maturity that I’ve not felt I possessed until recently and rather than being an emotional burden on someone. Developing the interpersonal skills to be the type of person that someone is proud to be with. Someone who is a supportive, loving and believes in us both without losing sight of who I am.

I’m not shy to admit that I’m feeling really good about this progress and how far I have come, especially when I think back on the unhealthy, destructive relationships I have had leading up to here. I know that I still have a long way to go in my emotional development, but I acknowledge this about myself and know the areas that still require hard work and commitment. My coach and I work on these parts of self that need bettering and if I look back to where I was a mere nine months ago I believe that I’ve grown immensely as a person. It’s been scary at times, looking so deeply into self and confronting the personal obstacles that are standing in my way to being the person I really want to be. Last night however was another stepping stone across the river of personal development and once these points are passed new ones may arise, but the growth cannot be easily undone.

Today I am incredibly grateful for the growth that an open mind and an honest heart bring.

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The last 13 weeks of my life have been incredibly grueling and to be honest there are days where I have not coped very well. There have been times when I wanted to pack my suitcases and run screaming for the airport, which is only ten minutes down the road. But I’ve endured and through doing so have learned more than one lesson. One of the biggest might be that by persevering when times are incredibly tough and digging really deep, we find a source of additional strength that we didn’t know we had. I make no excuses for the copious tears I’ve shed over the last three months. I embraced homesickness and separation and wallowed in it on certain days. I’ve honoured the fact that I was feeling miserable at times and took to my bed for a couple of weekends. But the one thing I didn’t do was give up!

And the beauty of it all is that it has taught me that I can endure. Some days I feel that I use all my strength and tenacity to stay sober, but these last nine months in this country of sand has shown me that there is more determination in me than I realised. There were moments that it took every ounce of my willpower not to hurl verbal abuse at someone because my frustration and stress levels were off the charts. However, I’ve held my tongue, kept my integrity intact and can leave for a short break from this incredibly soulless country with my head held high. I’ve also crossed the half-way mark of my contract and on return from eight days’ back home, I will have a mere four and a half months before I return permanently to home. When I look back on my ten years away from South Africa I marvel at the things I’ve accomplished, the people I’ve met and the experiences I’ve had. It might not always have been the most stable existence, but it was in the midst of this tenuous existence that I got sober.

I left in August 2003 (probably incredibly hungover) and will be returning in June 2014 a very very different person. I believe that my time away has brought me more than a stack of photos, a collection of memories and a wealth of friends. It has also given me a new life. Somewhere on an island in Asia, where I spent years not understanding everything that was going on around me I found complete clarity. When I wasn’t able to properly communicate I found my own voice and my personal truth.

And I’ll be returning with far more than the luggage I carry, because over the last six years I believe that I’ve found my true purpose. The more I move towards my goals, the bigger they get. The more I build on my dreams and aspirations, the more exciting and inspiring they become. At times they feel downright scary and even a little unattainable as I keep taking them to new levels. Before I got sober I could hardly pull myself out of bed in the mornings, now the majority my days are packed with forward-focused actions. I aspire towards the greatness that I used to only glimpse on a very good day, but now feels like it is constantly bubbling within me. As I visualise, verbalise and record my plans I can see no reasons that I cannot become the person I’ve always had an inkling I could be. In sobriety I know that there is nothing that can stop me except me!

Drinking robbed me of my motivation, my ambition and my determination but now I am going to achieve all those things that I didn’t have time for when I was drinking. Now I am going to go out there and accomplish the things that I know I can. It’s invigorating and exhilarating to think that even though I might have wasted a few years, that doesn’t mean that I can’t still go out there and make the difference in the world that I’ve always felt I was destined to make. So believe in yourself and create the life you might only have imagined could be possible when you were trapped in the hell of addiction. And if you have some bad days (or weeks) along the way be gentle and kind with yourself, because it’s all part of the process. I’ve come through the bad times stronger, smarter and more focused than I was before and I know that there’ll be tough times in the future, but I am prepared to keep moving forward with an clear head and an honest heart.

Like this:

I had an interesting conversation over the weekend with the mother of an addict. We were talking the devastating effect that addicts have on their families and she was very surprised when I told her that I was in fact an addict. It does sometimes amaze people as I must seem to really seem to have my life far more together than I feel on the inside sometimes. She was lamenting about how people always have advice for the parents of addicts. And how they are often quick to pass judgment on what the family should be doing to “help” the afflicted out of addiction. The truth is that no one besides those who have lived through it can ever imagine how tough it must to to stand by and slowly watch someone you love destroying themselves.

The truth is that it’s not just the physical harm that they are doing to their bodies, but how they dismantle their ambition, potential and general passion for life. And no matter what an addict’s loved ones do to try and coax them towards sobriety, nothing will actually work until the sufferer has their own personal epiphany. The reality is that there is nobody who can initially help an addict besides themselves. No extent of cajoling, manipulating and threatening will have the long-term desired effect. Sure, we may do a stint in rehab or dry out for a while, but no sort of long-lasting sustainable change can be achieved unless the person who is suffering from the substance enslavement decides that it is time to turn their life around. Interventions, tough love, forced confinement and any other number of desperate familial measures will do nothing over the long run if that person has not personally decided that enough is enough.

When you’re caught in the depths of addiction you cannot see the pain that you are causing to the people who love you. Addiction is the epitome of negative selfishness. I was oblivious to the harm that I was inducing, because when you don’t value yourself there is almost no chance of you cherishing those around you. The mere fact that you get to points of rock bottom self respect, devoid of any self-esteem or personal appreciation doesn’t really leave room for the consideration of others. I can only speak for myself when I say that when I was trapped in the cycle of substance highs and lows, I only truly felt disdain and guilt towards the people I love. I’d either be mad at them for trying to stop me or remorseful that I was unable to stop drinking. So I wasn’t really concerned about the effect that my drinking was having on them, rather how I was feeling towards them on any given day.

There is absolutely no way of changing the past and I made my apologies as I’ve said before and moved on from there. My point here is that I never meant to hurt the people I love, whether that was through my words or deeds. I don’t believe myself to be a mean and vindictive person, going out of my way to wreck havoc in people’s lives, yet I certainly caused my fair share of strife and heartache. The only thing that I can say is that whatever way the people in your life chose to deal with your addiction, you cannot judge them in any way, because we do not know the depth of the hurt that we cause. I see the sadness in the eyes of the people who have addicted loved ones when they talk about it. It’s almost as though they have lost someone that they love and are not sure how to cope with it because that person is still there in some form of their previous self.

So whether our people keep us close, cut us off or something in between, it is not our place to begrudge them this since it was our actions that led them to make this choice. So as you ask your nearest and dearest to forgive you, also let go of any residual feelings of resentment you may have as to how they treated you, because if you don’t let the past go you will never experience the full joy that comes with your new life.

Like this:

Some days I don’t feel like I am in control of my life and other days there is not doubting who the master of my destiny is… I’ve often wondered what it must be like to go through life just feeling content. Never too happy, never too sad. Never constantly clambering between the peaks and valleys of life. I’m not an emotionally consistent person! I have great days and I have terrible days, but rarely are my days somewhere in that middle ground of contentment. It’s tiring to say the least and I spend countless hours trying to find ways to maintain some semblance of balance, but thus far I seem to be missing the mark on an ongoing basis. I listen, I read, I explore ideas on how to achieve and maintain this feeling of equilibrium and I have glimpsed it to be sure, but it never lasts very long.

Or maybe that’s just my ego pulling me towards the extremes of my personality so that I am creating some sort of personal drama or emotional giddiness for myself. When we abuse substances I believe it is often in an attempt to quiet our minds and the destructive thought patterns that we develop. I don’t like to admit that about myself, but as I am sitting here and typing the words it seems to make perfect sense. Why would my egoic mind let me nestle comfortably in the arms of personal gratification where I am ignoring that part of self that thrives on instability and emotional histrionics. So the hamster in my head starts to run frantically on his little wheel to create all sorts of scenarios that pull me out of this place of mental peace. And then it’s back into the cycle of destructive, addict thought patterns. I’ve made it my business to read some of the modern spiritual masters like Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle and Wanye Dyer and I’m sure of I could be their example of someone who needs to learn to fully embrace the present. I’ve felt that presence when I am fully aware and presently focused, but it’s mercurial in nature. It’s so ephemeral to me that almost as soon as I start to feeling completely here, it seems to have slipped away.

There are definitely ways of remaining more present. Writing is an undertaking where I find I’m completely focused in “The Now”. Where time slips by without me giving into thoughts that turn into vortex of worry and what ifs. In the present I feel calm and secure, embraced by the comforting arms of emotional tranquility. The waters of temperance lap gently at my being and I am at one with the world. I don’t get (too) distracted by the events around me and my intellect is fully engaged, yet my mind is still. It’s how I feel at this exact moment, with the unwavering belief that everything will unfold as it needs to and things will happen as they should. And I am not in the least panicked by this thought as I become when I am not focused on the wisdom of my being. Then just as suddenly I am out of that space as something draws my attention away from my source. And even though I may endeavour to get back into my “nowness” I’m all over the place, thinking about yesterday (although I tend to go there on a less regular basis) and worrying about tomorrow, rather than embracing the joy of presence.

I have to admit that simply being conscious of where I am has gone a long way to experiencing the present more often. I only wish that I was able to stay there for longer periods of time. But my egoic mind is still strong and I know that sustainable change is a process, made up of steps, not simply a gigantic leap from one place to another. The more coaching practice I do the more I realise that if you approach change a step at a time, the chance of the transformation “landing” and being tenable are far greater. So I keep working towards this personal goal of becoming and staying present more often during my day, and through this feeling far more in control of my emotional, spiritual and physical life. Remembering to stop, take a breath, focus my thoughts on now and continue forward with an open mind and an honest heart.