ELECTION BREAKING NEWS:
NEW ENGLAND, NEW YORK CITY SECEDE
Kerry To Lead Breakaway Republic

Boston (Reuters) In a fiery concession speech at Boston’s historic
Faneuil Hall, defeated Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry accepted
the now inevitable conclusion of a long 2004 election night: New England and
New York City seceding from the Union.

“The voters have spoken and I respect that process,” said the
Massachusetts senator, before an audience of friends, family, supporters and
campaign staff. “And the voters have told us that it’s time for tolerant, open
minded and sane Americans to form our own nation.”

Kerry gave words to what many of his fervent supporters have long
believed. “If the rest of the nation wants to be led by a bunch of gay-bashing,
war-mongering, corporate-whore evangelicals, so be it,” said the
Senator. “We chose to live in peace, harmony and fiscal sanity east of the
Hudson river.”

Legions of lawyers working for the Kerry campaign have shifted their
attention from voting booth challenges to the legal paperwork
required for setting up a new country. “We’ll have the world’s 6th largest
economy, the world’s most highly educated populace, the best NFL team, and the
best baseball rivalry,” said Kerry. “Once Kofi approves the paperwork and
the new letterhead comes in we’ll be our own. Thank god.”

Kerry stressed this path was the only way for the nation to begin the
process of healing. “As a thrice decorated Vietnam vet I saw men
whose only hope of life was the sweet, swift and sharp healing of amputating an
infected and shrapnel filled limb,” said the hoarse Senator. “And now
we must amputate the cancerous red state tumor that is otherwise known
as Bush’s America.”

Details were not firmed up as to the fate of Democratic supporters in
the mid-west, Pacific west coast, and District of Columbia. “Blue state
citizens will be automatically eligible for membership in New America (TM),”
stressed Kerry. “The rest of you Bible thumpers, Humvee drivers and NRA
members can take your assault rifles, Confederate flags and gay marriage bans and
choke on the arsenic laden water and $6.50 per gallon gas prices that your
vote has bought you. Best of luck with Iraq, by the way.”

Bush officials had no comment, other than to confirm the pending
elimination of the E.P.A., the reduction of the minimum wage to $2.00 per hour,
the reinstatement of the Dred Scott decision and the nomination of Ralph
Reed to replace William Rehnquist on the Supreme Court.

Meanwhile, Providence, Rhode Island was being strongly considered as
a symbolic location for the new nation’s capital. “More than 300 years
ago, Anne Hutchinson led a stubborn band of colonists who refused to
recognize the maniacal, religious right morality of the Puritans and went off
to form Rhode Island,” reminded Kerry. “Today, we refuse to recognize the
Puritanical zealotry of John Ashcroft, Dick Cheney and Donald
Rumsfeld and form our own nation, free of Cracker Barrels, Dale Earnhardt
memorials and Lee Greenwood. This is a great day for New England.”