The Angry Child

10 tips to empower parents.

My 10-year-old son is getting increasingly out of hand. He yells out his demands and gets infuriated when they are not met. If I reprimand him or put him into time out, he takes out his anger on his siblings and me. He speaks very disrespectfully and tends to be quite negative. His behavior is detrimentally affecting everyone in the house. I am out of ideas. I would appreciate any advice you can give me; I am at my wits end.

Thank you,

Mom at the end of her rope

Slovie's Answer

There are times that we must deal with an angry child. The harder we try to inspire and guide, the more this child seems to pull away. As the gap between us grows, we find ourselves at a loss. We confront heavy silences, sudden outbursts, feeling estranged and a deep pain as harsh words are flung at us. Often we want to explode.

Here are 10 practical tips on how to deal with an angry child.

1. Don’t react to anger with anger.

We accomplish nothing by losing our temper, yelling, or giving emotional ultimatums. When we are out of control, we say things we don’t mean. Often we are left with regret. We certainly don’t solve the problem and, in fact, we may cause greater damage. Parents who yell encourage children to yell back louder or retreat into a shell.

2. Don’t slap or get physical.

Many times I receive questions from parents about hitting. Usually it goes something like this:

“My parents/in-laws/husband/wife/ says that what this kid needs is a good slap. That was the only thing that worked when we were growing up and it is the only thing that will set this child straight.”

Sorry, today this will just not fly. You will only be teaching your child to hit when he is frustrated or angered, you will also begin to notice that your children are using their hands against each other. Nothing was accomplished. Ask yourself how this child will handle his frustrations as a husband or father one day.

3. Don’t give in to nagging.

When a child sees that constant nagging forces you to retreat from your position, he learns exactly which button to push. He comes to understand that whining or refusing to take your ‘no’ as a final answer will yield results. Whenever he does not get his way he will go into tantrum mode until you surrender. It makes no difference if you are dealing with a toddler or a teen, as a parent you cannot be afraid to say ‘no’. Be consistent and stick to your decision.

4. Wait for calm to talk it out.

Our sages teach us that we should not approach a person in their moment of anger. Trying to reason with your child in the midst of his outburst will not cede the results you are seeking. Use minimal words and say, “When you are ready to speak calmly and respectfully, I am happy to listen.” Younger children can be told that they can sit in a ‘calm down space’ until the tantrum is over. There is no problem in saying to older children that they obviously need a breather and you are here when they are ready to speak. Our goal is to teach children to find a way to calm themselves in angry moments.

5. Discover the trigger.

It is a good idea to ask yourself, “What triggered this outburst in my child?” Children often explode because they are feeling embarrassed, left out, anxious, frustrated or hurt. They respond in anger because they feel helpless. Anger is an emotion; what is the source?

6. Create alternative solutions.

Instead of simply criticizing or disciplining the angry outburst, explore better responses together. In a calm moment – certainly not in the eye of the storm – ask your child for other options besides rage. Explain that he can be part of the solution and not the problem. But we need to provide the tools. You can role-play or discuss together how this can be handled better next time.

7. Focus on your own physical reaction.

When we start to pay attention, we recognize that our bodies give us warning signals before we reach the explosive territory of no return. If we take a step back we realize that our hearts are racing, we clench our jaws or fists. We breathe differently, narrow our eyes, and become enraged. As we grow more attuned to our body’s ‘red flags’ we can learn to step back at that crucial moment. This can be life transforming as we rid ourselves of angry, out of control reactions.

8. Allow children to experience failure and frustration.

Too many kids today do not know how to handle failure and disappointment. They crumble as they taste defeat. Thinking that they are helping, parents intervene from the earliest days so that their children can grow up happy and stress free.

"Won’t that be too difficult for him to deal with?"

"Won’t she be sad if that happens?"

But this is not real life. Instead of helping our children, we are hindering them. When children don’t know how to deal with a poor grade, loss of a game, school deadlines, or difficulties with friends, they grow frustrated and angry. These kids give up easily or wait for their parents to fix the situation.

We can only appreciate the thrill of success if we sweat, climb and sometimes fall. Everyone must deal with loss sometime. We cannot shield our children forever.

Children who feel cared for feel secure and safe. Even if they are upset, they know deep inside that they are loved. No matter what happens in life this is one belief that will never be altered. Show your child that you love him by expressing interest in his ideas and interests. Try to join him at dinner time whenever possible. Put down your iPad and phone and really listen. Share your thoughts with him and talk about your day. Be involved in his activities instead of just dropping off and carpooling back and forth. Laugh, smile, and don’t take everything so seriously. Your child will enjoy your time together; your connection will grow and strengthen. Don’t wait for a gap to form and then wonder how you can bridge the divide.

10. Role model.

The first nine tips are meaningless if our children watch us lose control when we are confronted with frustration or disappointment. How we deal with our challenges is the greatest teaching moment of all.

A calm home is a happy home. Let’s help our children learn how to navigate life successfully and lose the anger.

Featured at Aish.com:

About the Author

Slovie Jungreis Wolff is a noted teacher, author, relationships and parenting lecturer. She is the leader of Hineni Couples and daughter of Rebbetzen Esther Jungreis. Slovie is the author of the parenting handbook, Raising A Child With Soul. She gives weekly classes and has lectured throughout the U.S.,Canada, Mexico, Panama, and South Africa. You can reach slovie at sloviehineni@gmail.com

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 15

(11)
Anonymous,
June 24, 2014 10:08 AM

Amen to that!!

Has anyone every noticed how disrespectful children become since they stopped beating their childrens asses in fear that they would get reported? Has anyone ever noticed how unruly children have become in the classroom since corporal punishment was banned from schools? I believe it is okay for children to fear their parents to a certain extent, "oh I better not disrespect my parents or I'm going to get a spanking." Honestly my parents never ever spanned me, but my mother had that look about her that was enough to stop me in my tracks. she didn't always have the money to go places or by materialistic crap, she taught us that these things are not important. Parents spends 1000s of dollars worth of electronics instead of making them use their imagination: climbing trees, making forts, playing in the rain, the dirt, making mud pies, making marble trAcks, riding bikes, skating, roller blading...instead they are cooped up in the house with their eyes glued to a tv, DSs, iPads, iPods, laptops. These children have absolutely no imagination and I witness it on a daily with the 760 students I teach. These children are 8 to 11 years old and are subjected to black opps and assassins creed. how is that okay? When they are that young you are conditioning them to believe this stuff is okay. Look up the studies on how it affects their childrens thought process. What is going to happen to these children when they grow up? They will most likely have LD, ADHD, BD, Emotionsl disorders, severe social anxiety, depression and anxiety. Not including creativity and encouraging children to use their imagination is just crazy. It's proven most successful people have the most creative, unique ideas, that's what sets them apart from the others. Kids have this feeling of entitlement. they don't think anyone deserves respect, no morals, values, or religion incorporated into their lives. Nothing! If you want your children to behave try pushing creativity and for God sakes, make them go outside!

(10)
Em,
May 4, 2013 5:01 PM

Sorry i dont find this article helpful. It does not say what to do DURING an outburst. It only says what not to do. Its easy to get on your high horse and say to stay calm, etc. but what would u actually DO to help calm the child in the moment?

Avi,
July 25, 2013 1:44 PM

There is an article about it

There is a separate article on Aish.com which talks about what to do DURING called tantrums

(9)
Anonymous,
May 1, 2013 2:05 AM

You are so wrong on "2. Don’t slap or get physical."

Regarding "2. Don’t slap or get physical." You are so WRONG! Also, you have fallen into the trap of of being an ENABLER of bad behavior. So typical of the of the mealy mouthed parents with children & teenagers who are disrespectful & act obnoxious. My spouse & I shake our head in disbelief as parents let their guttersnipes walk all over them. My parents slapped our mouths or when we were were mouthy, argumentative, & disrespectful. My father, a Police Officer, told us if an adult mouths off to the wrong person they could wind up in the hospital or morgue. As I child if I hit by sister I received a spanking. The point being if didn't like being physically punished, then how did my sister feel for being hit? I was also told that adults go to jail then prison for physical assault; places where beatings & other lascivious acts occur.At 13 in our house I arguing with my Mom & called her the B word . Dad came home, backhanded my mouth for arguing then punched it for the B word. I never talked that way again to my Mom. In the grocery store my wife & I observe children who throw temper tantrums & teenagers mouthing off to their parents. Worse, their parents do nothing!! When our children, now adults, acted that way it was a trip to the restroom & a swat on the rear. Time-out(s) PUH-LEASE! We tried that 25 years ago.. BTW a time out in a store? News headline "Child put in a time-out missing." Not too long ago in a store I watched teenage boy speaking to his Mom with disrespect & vulgarities for several minutes. The Mom was upset & had asked her son not to talk to her that way. He persisted until I walked over and told him his parents need to backhand his mouth. His jaw fell open & he stared at me speechless. His Mom, a single parent, thanked me!

Marion,
May 2, 2013 5:42 AM

As a nanny, strictly speaking, I am not allowed to hit the children. Only if they are putting me or someone else in grave danger and hitting is really the only way I could stop it. If I did hit the children every time they hit each other, the way they'd see it is that it would be ok for the adults to hit the children, but not the children to hit each other or the children to hit the adults. Hypocritical, much? Generally speaking, I think the best way to not escalate a situation is to say, "I will not listen to you when you speak like that" and then turn your back on them. For major offences, give a warning and then confiscate something they like, eg an activity, toy or television/computer time.

Ethan,
May 3, 2013 2:53 AM

RE: "As a Nanny...not allowed to hit children"

While your'e correct not to hit the children of the clients who hired you (parents/ legal guardians), except in the case of grave danger to you or others...Parents who do not physically discipline their children, especially after giving ample verbal warning, eventually lose. My spouse & I witness children in stores throwing tantrums. Mom(s) make those (idle?) threats of taking away something. Five minustes later the child acts again. We witness teenagers in the mall who are disrespectful, rude, obnoxious, and speak profanities loudly. If Mom and/or Dad would have either spanked them, or slapped their mouth, from the get start, they wouldn't act that way. BTW there is a huge difference in striking power of an open hand strike "slap" and a clenched fist "hit". A slap is distributed over a broader area which dissipates the contact force . A closed fist is a compact impact "hit" concentrated to a confined area. Why do you think the Police use open hand strikes? Less force over a closed fist. So stop with the B.S. that slapping & spanking are hitting. I know the pain difference between the 2. Mom & Dad spanked my fanny, or slapped my mouth. The school bullies actually hit. While my rear may have been red from a spanking or lips a little swollen from being slapped...that was nothing compared to having a bloodied mouth, or black eye, or bruised ribcage from real fist hits done by school bullies over the years. By the way none of those bullies had ever been slapped or spanked by their parents, until my Mom & Dad sicced a lawyer on them.

Anonymous,
May 22, 2013 9:33 PM

Gd bless you

My father complained about his mother once before his own father. His father slapped his face and told him NEVER to speak of HIS wife, your mother, that was again. And my father never did.

(8)
Rivkah Tseva,
April 29, 2013 7:58 PM

Could be an allergy

My son used to have Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde syndrome in that he could be the sweetest, gentlest, very bright little boy and then all of a sudden become violent and uncontrollable for a couple of hours. This began when he was around 3 years old. By the time he was 9 I was ready to take him to a psychiatrist thinking that this must be some type of mental illness. Instead, I had him tested for allergies and we descovered that he was allergic to yeast and nothing else. We elliminated yeast from his diet, he ate matzah all year round, and the outbursts went away. Now, at 11 1/2 he is no longer allergic and has a stable personality, thank G-d.

(7)
Zvi,
April 29, 2013 6:01 PM

you only left out one item

Truly an excellent list with good explanations, but you left out an important item: discipline, and in this case the issue is a serious transgression. A time out is a fly swatter for an elephant. No yelling or hitting, but a stern warning that the behavior will not be tolerated if it occurs again and if it does, a serious disciplinary action, e.g. no TV/computer/etc., for a week and an early bedtime for a week ... and stick to it regardless of apology by the child and an the week starts over again if the action repeats.

(6)
Ruthiel,
April 29, 2013 9:36 AM

all very nice but

this young boy seems to show more anger behaviour than his siblings, perhaps it would be good to suggest a consultation with a child psychologist.

Not all the behavioral problems can be solved by patience, love and communication.

On the other side, the young boy might just not be aware of his boundaries - he is allowed to much disrespect.

In such a situation a good slap could be very useful. We live in the world today where most of psychologists and child experts constantly stress no physical approach. Yet, its quite clear that children are much more disrespectful, spoil t and problematic.I cant see that today's children would be happierthan childen frrom the previous generation.Children should not be beaten, but when they need an ocassional smack on the toush they should get one.

(5)
Anonymous,
April 29, 2013 3:38 AM

Please see a doctor

When my daughter was about 12 she stated to exhibit many of these signs, especially being cruel to her sister when she was thwarted in any way. I blamed it on puberty. I wish I had taken her to a mental health professional for a complete evaluation.

My daughters anger was the beginning of her mental illness. I can't shake the feeling that if I had recognized her problem for what it was I may gave gotten her help, or at least gotten her help sooner. It probably would have not changed things long term, but I would not be haunted by "what if" had I recognized mental illness for mental illness. Bad behavior can simply bad behavior but please, check out a possible mental health problem.

(4)
Lisa,
April 28, 2013 7:38 PM

My new 10 suggestions!!

Number 10 was the kicker!!
However you hit the nail on the head ( & of course, not the head of the child!!) with all your suggestions!!!
Now all I need to do is really live by them!
Thank you!! Thank you !! And thanks some more!!

(3)
TEJAL,
April 28, 2013 5:22 PM

good solution

alwayz like to hear onto good tips n suggestions,techniques very helpful to tackle the kidz.

(2)
Anonymous,
April 28, 2013 3:43 PM

start the list with the positives

#9 should be first and then #6. I know, because I was an angry child, because I knew that my opinions were never considered in any decisions. I think it was just that way when we were children. Children are to be seen and not heard. I am so lucky to have had the chance to raise my child with total respect, that what he felt mattered, and the more he knew, the more he understood what the circumstances of his actions were. He did become the mensch that everyone wants around.

(1)
Anonymous,
April 28, 2013 3:33 PM

Although difficult to do, it is a logical and effective tool in situations involving people of all ages-even animals.

My Christian friends are always speaking about “faith.” To me this sounds a lot like blind faith. Is that really the essence of religion?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

I'm afraid that this is another case of a Christian concept being mis-associated with Judaism.

Let's first define our terms. What is faith?

Webster defines faith as "Belief without proof."

What is knowledge? "An acquaintance with truth, facts or principles through study or investigation."

Faith is usually a product of desire. Have you ever gotten a tip on the market that guarantees you're going to triple your money in a month? A lot of smart people have gotten fleeced because they ignored the evidence and went with their feelings.

Knowledge, on the other hand, is based on evidence. We know there's a place called China because we have too many products in our house saying "made in China." There's a lot of evidence for the existence of China, even though most of us have never been there.

Judaism unequivocally comes down on the side of knowledge, not faith. In Deuteronomy 4:39, the Torah says: "You shall know this day, and understand it well in your heart, that the Almighty is God; in the heaven above and the earth below, there is none other." (This verse is also contained in the prayer, "Aleynu.")

This verse tells us that it is not enough to simply know in your head, intellectually, that God is the Controller of everything. You must know it in your heart! This knowledge is much more profound than an intellectual knowledge. God gave us a brain because he wants us to think rationally about the world, our role in it, and our relationship with God.

A conviction based on desire or feelings alone has no place in Judaism. The Hebrew word "emunah," which is often translated as faith, does not describe a conviction based on feelings or desire. It describes a conviction that is based on evidence.

Once this knowledge is internalized, it effects how a person lives. A person with this knowledge could transform every breathing moment into a mitzvah, for he would do everything for the sake of the heaven. But this is not a "knowledge," that comes easily. Only intensive Torah learning and doing mitzvahs can achieve this knowledge. Every word of Torah we learn moves us just a little bit closer to that goal. And everyone is capable of that.

To learn more, read "The Knowing Heart," by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto (Feldheim.com). This entire book is an explanation of this verse!

In 350 BCE, the building of the second Holy Temple was completed in Jerusalem, as recorded in the biblical Book of Ezra (6:15). The re-building of the Temple had begun under Cyrus when the Persians first took over the Babylonian empire. The re-building was then interrupted for 18 years, and resumed with the blessing of Darius II, the Persian king whom is said to be the son of Esther. The Second Temple lacked much of the glory of the First Temple: There was no Ark of the Covenant, and the daily miracles and prophets were no longer part of the scenery. The Second Temple would stand for 420 years, before being destroyed by the Romans in 70 CE.

You shall know this day and consider it within your heart(Deuteronomy 4:39).

Business people who are involved in many transactions employ accountants to analyze their operations and to determine whether or not they are profitable. They may also seek the help of experts to determine which products are making money and which are losing. Such studies allow them to maximize their profits and minimize their losses. Without such data, they might be doing a great deal of business, but discover at the end of the year that their expenditures exceeded their earnings.

Sensible people give at least as much thought to the quality and achievement of their lives as they do to their businesses. Each asks himself, "Where am I going with my life? What am I doing that is of value? In what ways am I gaining and improving? And which practices should I increase, and which should I eliminate?"

Few people make such reckonings. Many of those that do, do so on their own, without consulting an expert's opinion. These same people would not think of being their own business analysts and accountants, and they readily pay large sums of money to engage highly qualified experts in these fields.

Jewish ethical works urge us to regularly undergo cheshbon hanefesh, a personal accounting. We would be foolish to approach this accounting of our very lives with any less seriousness than we do our business affairs. We should seek out the "spiritual C.P.A.s," those who have expertise in spiritual guidance, to help us in our analyses.

Today I shall...

look for competent guidance in doing a personal moral inventory and in planning my future.

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