Penn Satire, Since 1899

Honest Penn News Today

Super Sabbatical Summer

Tenured and soon to be retired Professor Goldstein of the Physics Department decided to spend the summer traveling the world. He backpacked through Europe, climbed Mt. Everest, and zip-lined through caves. Dr. Goldstein reflected on his experience, stating “it feels so good to be out of the lab and away from those snotty undergrads.”

On-Campus Stoners Missing Usual Dealers

An anonymousgroup of Penn students accustomed to the “high life” have been feeling down due to their suppliers being out of town for the summer. Anonymous Nursing Student Brenda Lewis has been quoted saying “I can stock up, but it’s just not the same. Like, the emotional support just isn’t there anymore… and I’m worried… I’m worried that my regular guy is out there somewhere making someone else happy in ways that he would never do for me.”

Just Your Average Intern:

A stock photo of a college intern. Seriously, that’s it.

Fucking shit this undergrad’s experience is awesome and so much better than whatever it is you’re doing with your life. Like, are you even trying?

Rising College and Engineering Senior Raj Jones is spending his summer in the small island nation of Palau researching the island’s biodiversity and generally having a fun time. I mean, just look at the thumbnail. That place is fucking beautiful. Have you ever heard of the country of Palau? Of course you haven’t, but I can assure you that it’s awesome.

Raj has created a program to prevent native species from going extinct. Think about that: he is preventing a species from disappearing from this earth. What have you done with your summer? Better yet, what have you done with your life?

When asked what his career goals were after college, Mr. Jones stated, “I don’t know. Probably work at Goldman or something.”