Ask DB1: Ed Hardette

————-Dear DB1,

Over the past couple of months a female acquaintance of mine has shown increasing interest in Ed Hardy products. She has gone far enough as to buy an Ed Hardy steering wheel cover and Ed Hardy perfume.

She also often updates her Facebook page whenever she buys new Ed Hardy merchandise to let everyone know, and she has Ed Hardy as one of her “likes” on Facebook as well.

Should I be worried? Is this the first step for a fine lady to become a bleeth? How can I make her turn her back to Ed Hardy’s tools of Devilry?

-A Wondering HCWDB Lurker
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Lurker, if you aren’t worried by now, then you’ve learned nothing from all your time spent in meditative repose and academic study here at HCwDB.

She is far gone past the point of recoverable Bleeth stages. Dump her immediately. Then ask out her sweeter, less douchey roommate. While hitting on the roommate may appear to be douchey behavior in and of itself, it is not. It is an effort to save those hotts that can still be saved.

WTF does Ed Tardy perfume smell like? I’m thinking of a vomit-covered pile of Limburegr that’s been left out in the sun for 20 days where numerous hobos have been taking a dump on it after Plinky’s mom pulled it out of her snatch.
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Caption to this picture: “Oh shit, I stepped in my own douche.”

9:43 am October, 26Crucial Head said...

Taking nude pictures of your girlfriend and posting them on the internet before you break up may also seem like a douchey thing to do… but it’s also part of the healing process and the effort to save the non-bleethed girls.
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Just send me a link, and I’ll help you “cope” with the process.

10:01 am October, 26DarkSock said...

It is with great respect that I must disagree with DB1 on this one, “Lurker” (if that is in fact your real name). You can save this girl by slow-pushing a 15 ounce bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup up her butt. To be clear, the syrup must remain IN the bottle, and do NOT substitute the store brand. One must maintain an air of dignity in these matters.
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Also, what Crucial said^

10:03 am October, 26DarkSock said...

You could also try eating a bag of M&M’s out of her box. It won’t resolve the bleeth issue; it’s just a real rush. Or Skittles. Yeah, Skittles makes more sense. Or boiled eggs, if you’re vegan. Shell them first. I learned that lesson the hard way.

Anthropologists have noted that conspicuous Ed Hardy consumption in the Human Female indicates a propensity toward having its pussy crushed while drunk on Grey Goose by the likes of Jason “get some” Stackhouse. Do you really want remnant douche spooge on your dick?
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Dump her immediately…but take pictures first so you won’t make the same mistake twice.

10:15 am October, 26Deltus said...

Lurker, your wording makes it sound like you’re not actually tapping that. And that’s good. It also means you don’t have to worry, as fatness said^, about remnant douche spooge.
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You can also decide if, as a friend, you want to try to save her. She might be too far gone, though, in which case scrape off the barnacles of your life and carry on.

10:16 am October, 26Et Tu Douche? said...

I spotted this first hand yesterday, I was pulling into the local convenience store and this girl comes walking out with Ed Hardy sweat pants paiedr with a mismatching Ed Hardy hoodie. The disturbing part was 2 fold she looked lie she just rolled out of bed (it was around lunch time) and the color schemes & designs were just atrocious.
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Short of an intervention I would dump her just on posting on Facebook alone. I like Crucial Heads’ suggestion but what I think she really needs is to have some of these photos of her sent over here so she can get the mocking she deserves.

10:29 am October, 26Dex said...

I don’t think it’s his girlfriend, and therefore the dump isn’t the best solution. I think he should go in the other direction, and start to cultivate an abusive relationship with her. It won’t help her any, but fuck, it feels great to punch a bitch like that right in the cooze.

The Lurker must be expelled for absenteeism. He is not paying attention in class.

Dark Sock is having a good day.

10:39 am October, 26Medusa Oblongata said...

@ Dex 10:29–Would you like to be Guest Torturer at the Playpen this week? We’re doing a luau theme.
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What DarkSock said at 10:01. And Dr. BHD with the caption of the century.
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I’d say divest yourself of said acquaintance immediately, Lurker. You’re not emotionally involved, so it’s not going to be much of a loss.I have to say the clincher is the Facebook updates with whatever new Fred Party gear she bought. That is ricockulous on ever level and makes me weep for her future. That being said, send me some pics so I can survey the damage. She’s really in need of an older female friend who can explain things to her plainly, to point out where she’s going wrong, and to make suggestions on how to better present herself to the world as a beautiful and unique woman. I would start with some Jell-O wrestling.

^ the only john I want to see is the one he’s sticking out of feet first.

11:20 am October, 26Medusa Oblongata said...

@ REv Chad: You are correct. And that dreck with him is ‘the other woman’ who I hear is now writing a nasty tell-all about what a Douche Mr. Gosselin is. I normally would have no interest in reading such pap when there are survival manuals that need memorizing. However, I do want the laughs.

1:38 pm October, 26Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho said...

There’s never a good excuse for women wearing Ed Hardy, and even less for bragging about new Ed Hardy purchases on FacePuke. Lurker, take the sage advice of the seasoned baghunters (and huntresses) here and dump that skag before you have serious regrets.
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Also, post pics for the vengeful satisfaction, and our vicarious amusement.