Pages

Feedjit

Friday, July 30, 2010

i remember it like it was yesterday. i am at my second year in college, you were in your third. we became classmates at one subject and frankly, you didn't make a good impression on me. or probably i was just seeing you as a competition seeing how outspoken you are. smart. composed.

then we became groupmates for community outreach program which was staged in Imus, Cavite. i am the Campaign Director and you're my deputy. i didn't like the idea at first since am not comfortable with you around. don't get me wrong. it's just that i barely know you. plus, you were friends with our class' worst nemesis, so there. yeah, am prejudiced.

but i didn't know you were that cool. you're ideas caught me unexpectedly. you're a passionate actor. eloquent. a leader.

i noticed we have so much in common. same passion with media and the arts. you're a good actor, i think am a good director. you sing well, i am a musician. i didn't expect us to be friends. my partner in crime. coz unlike the others, you are always brave enough to tell me straight to my face whenever am wrong, you won't spoil me.

the entire semester ended quickly. and while i contacted gastritis due to that project, i luckily gained many new friends. and that includes you.

we parted ways. you graduated ahead of me, obviously, and just as i had suspected, you were brilliant in the actual field. you landed at our dream network. you worked with the top minds of television honchos. your name became synonymous to hardwork and creativity [according to a famous director]

then came my time to leave the academe for the real world. thank God, i got in with the same network you did. we're now in a same family.

i was rushing then, running to get to the other building. and as i swipe my access badge, there you were at the other end. i barely recognize you then. your skin is burnt. you were very thin and dark circles are very much visible in your eyes. i said, how are you? you replied, busy much. i continue, anong show mo? you answered, yung kay direk **** parin. si ***** parin ang bida. kaw, meron na? i shrugged and said, hopefully. sorry, i gotta go. see you around, you said. and with that you waved goodbye.

that was the last time we talked. so imagine how i felt, when i heard the news. i was submitting my papers and other requirements on HR then. they were talking about a guy. a production assistant who contacted a broncho pneumonia at the course of work. and to my horror, i found out that it was you. and the worst, is that you already left. you left us. you left us forever.

it's almost a year now. and i am thinking, with our last encounter, if you've told me then you were in great pain, i would've hugged you. tell you how grateful i am for being your friend. that i'm sorry am prejudiced at our first meeting. and that i would advise you to stop. to leave the job we both dreamed off then back in college. to find a job where you have to clock in at a certain time then at some point after 8 hours or so, pack your bags then head home to rest, yearning for the next rest day to come.

but who are we kidding. we both know we don't want that. or probably we both thought we don't want that. oh, how we anticipate those days when we won't sleep three days straight, kissing the asses of those wannabes whose college credentials could not even match ours. or the warm touch of countless lights as they flash on you as you dozed off waiting for the set-up to finish. or the weight of several DVC Pros and mini DVs [of course we are using XD Cam Discs now] as you hugged them with your arms wishing it were pillows.

sometimes i wish you didn't have to. sometimes i wish we didn't have to. if only this world of ours is kinder. or gentler. or more compassionate and a bit caring. then maybe, you didn't have to leave so early. no. you didn't have to...

___

Kuya RC,

It's almost a year now, yet the pain of losing you is still imminent. May you now find rest and solace that this world has stolen from you for so many years. Alam ko, kasama mo na ngayon ang tunay mong mga kapamilya. Forgive us. It's just that, we miss you so much.

E***
___

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same."
-unknown author

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

first, to jay. if only we can remain drunk everyday, eh? but no, it just can't be. second, to tess. i believe, a woman named tin isn't the incarnation of love, no?third, to those lovely couple i am watching while sipping my beloved caramel machiato a while ago in greenbelt. a couple made in heaven!and lastly, to this boy i always knew, who DOESN'T eat apples.
___

once there was a boy who loves apples so much, he can't survive a day without having one. every week his mother would make sure she bought seven of it [or more] from the market so her boy would never miss a bite.

but then, one day, the mother got sick. being the little boy who don't know yet how to take a trip to the market and buy his beloved apple, depression creeps on him. the little boy cried and cried but no apple came. and so he decided...

when the boy's mother got better, the usual apples came back. but this time, the boy wants to make sure he'll never get to miss an apple again.

carefully, as he bites into his apple, he made sure he get to keep the seeds. he will plant an apple tree in their lawn.

the boy's mother noticed his sun digging holes in their lawn. she asked what he's doing.

"what are you doing son?"

"mother, am going to plant an apple tree here in our yard, " said the boy, smiling as brightly as that morning's weather.

the mother smiled gently as she kindly touched her son's innocent face.

"son, do you not know it's just impossible to grow apple trees using those seeds you've got?"

"but why?" the boy answered very confused.

"because...its just the way it is. it is not in its nature to grow in yards. and the seeds used for apple cultivation are special and different. but you'll get to learn all those as you get older."

"what if i take good care of it well? i won't leave it. i'll stay with it all the time. i'll water it everyday. i'll even cover it during storms and too hot weather. i will love it like i love you and dad. will it grow now?"

"i am very sorry son. but it just can't."

seeing the painful look on her son, she said consolingly, "son, don't worry i can always buy you apples whenever you want. or maybe we could ask someone to buy one for you if ever i can't."

"but i want to grow them here. so i'll get to see it grow and take it whenever i want. i want it to be my very own."

"son, if you really want to plant trees i can get you some good seeds, but not apples'. let say..how about papaya? or maybe guava? or how about some tomatoes or banana on our backyard? you'll love them for sure!"

"but mother, i really love apples. i really do."

his mother don't know how to answer him anymore. she just stared at him. and there she saw confusion and sadness at the young face of her son.

she could not bear anymore how painful it is, not being able to give what her son wants. she hugged him tightly, thinking if she could only plead to the apples to grow in their yard. but she knew. she always knew. it just can't be.

in the course of time, the boy would not give up. he will contemplate and try hard with all his heart if he can really grow apples in his yard.

soon, he'll find out...

___

"Love is like handing someone a gun, having them point it at your heart, and trusting them to never pull the trigger."
-Michael Gardner

Friday, July 23, 2010

i always say, i don't like kids. i hate their tantrums (coz my tantrums are worse) and am sooo very impatient, perfect, yes? so imagine my surprise when people would often tell me am really good with kids and that i would make someone lucky by being a good dad. i wouldn't buy the idea.

but there was this one time back in college, it was the university foundation week and i was really having fun when a very cute kid suddenly appeared on my side. he was very cute. i saw a great deal of myself in him, well, judging from my baby pictures. and besides, pareho kameng may mahabang buntot sa buhok.

the kid turned out to be my classmate's son. i don't know how it happened but i just found myself baby sitting the brat for three consecutive days. my classmates were very envious coz the kid won't go and play with them. we're inseparable. i was weirdly shocked of the connection he had with me that he threw tantrums when his mother tried to take him for lunch (as i was about to dine with my barkada). and so to save the kid from further tears, i said it's okay and i thought i can take him for lunch.

first, i admit, i wasn't liking the idea that i'm brat sitting instead running all around campus committing crimes, which are legal since it's foundation week. i just noticed that i was slightly, alright i admit, i was highly enjoying the kid's company. i just saw myself making weird noises and gestures just to make him laugh and would even spend my allowance just to buy him food and other whatnots he would see.

day one ended with great effort telling the kid to go home with her mom and that he could come again tomorrow and we'll play whatever he wants. the next day, i was fed with tales from his mother on how she had to endure the whole night hearing my name non-stop. i glowed with pride.

three days ended quickly. after the foundation week, the usual classes returned. for our subject, our professor tasked us to pick two personal belongings that we're carrying right at that moment, then think of two important persons in the room that we would gladly give the chosen items. i picked a treasured ticket in my wallet of my very first young musician competition in CCP and a rosary which i always carry in my pocket. i gave them to two of my bests friends.

then came ate rhea's (the kid's mom) turn. if you're expecting she's gonna give me one of her two items, then you're right [and wrong at the same time. you'll see]. but me, i wasn't expecting it that time to be honest. we're not even friends and the idea was really just not fitting with the way we interact then.

she started her speech. hindi pa nya niri-reveal nung una kung sino yung pagbibigyan niya. sabi niya (am trying to drag out the exact words she used here from my memory bank), she will forever be indebted and grateful daw sa taong pagbibigyan niya nung item niya. as a mother daw, her son is not just the most important person in her life. he was her very own life. and for her son to be treated with such special care that i gave, no mother in this world won't be happier and be more than thankful. and that that person would always remain special sa kanilang mag-ina. here, tears begun trickling down her face, she ran to my seat and hugged me tight, her voice broke as he whisper thank you on my ears in which in all powers i could summon, i tried pushing back all the tears racing to be out only to find out they would betray me as the whole room exploded with such emotional claps.

she then apologized to our professor and said she won't be able to give the other item to any other person in the room. with this, she handed me her son's feeding bottle and baby cologne.

i still think don't like kids. but memories like this bring me to a future where i have my own son, tirelessly playing basketball and running with him in the park. being the father who's always around, which i never had. being the father that he could look up to. a figure of authority but with comfort. a sense of security and a friend who will always be there.
___

just so you know, we managed to maintain communication, although we very seldom exchange messages now since the fall of friendster. once, ate rhea and his husband invited me to their hometown in tarlac for RD's birthday but i never made it. RD's 7 years old now (i planned to post a picture of him here kaya lang hindi pa ko nakakapagpaalam sa mom nya, so saka na lang) and her mom's currently working in Dubai.
___

___"Fish said: I can't see my tears 'cause I'm in the water. Water said: I can feel your tears 'cause you're in my heart.-taken from Wanggo Gallaga's blog

being the brat that i always am, i wouldn't mind at all hearing all these thinking it's just once of those stupid superstitions they keep on feeding me. like the one forbidding me to sing inside the bathroom or i would end up marrying an old lady (more of an old man actually). and there's the one that warns you against sweeping the floor at night coz it's bad luck.

in the midst of all these, it's so unfair to think that i don't have the right to show that i am sad. to wallow in my miseries and failures, and for once, show the world that i am in terrible pain. but no. not if you have a bunch of family and friends who need your hilarious anecdotes and crazy antics to lift up the conversations. or when you have a number of people to charm everyday in order to survive your freelance state. no. you have to drag out your most positive smile, attach the springs on your feet, pack your witty lines then yell for everyone to hear: I FEEL FANTASTIC! with your head held high while keeping your dripping heart intact, away from everyone's sight.

anyway, who cares! i have long learned to nurse my own wounds without the help of anyone. can you believe that? it is a blessing am good in picking up pieces of me then putting it back together.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Sweat was trickling on Prisco Nilo's face while consulting his notes, red-faced, avoiding eye contact with his president who's dressing him down loudly over his bureau's failure to provide a decent prediction of the typhoon's path.

One again, here comes Pagasa in its not so literal sense!

Listening at President Aquino's first disaster management meeting, I realised, we're having the same nightmare over and over again, and we didn't seem to have learned our lessons, considering what we've gone through with Ondoy.

In Camp Aguinaldo, we have perpetual meetings, damage control plans, rantings, pin-pointings etc. But going around, we have crying housewives who lost their husband, children who lost their parents, families who lost their homes etc.

Same old pictures.

Always we are caught unprepared. A single blow of typhoon and we are all rocked at the foot of our seats, swallowed in the darkness, confused and annoyed at what had happened.

We all thought, after Ondoy, we already learned our lessons. We all said, surely next time. But here comes Basyang, the "next time, " and suddenly, almost the entire Northern Luzon flipped once again.

Typing this post, where I had to cross three Bulacan towns just to get into a computer shop, I cannot help but feel afraid on what might happen with the next twenty more typhoons that would hit us within the next five months. Basyang is definitely just a warmer.

Knocked out at the first round, we can probably do some strategies and try win the next coming rounds. We just have to remember, the more proactive we are, the lesser lives we need to give up.

Monday, July 12, 2010

you should have seen him. with eyes raving like that of the monsters, hands stretching everywhere to grab hold of a thing only to throw it away once more, hoping it would hit invisible felons who did nothing, yet still firing up his every insides. his vocabulary of swearwords were so wide. he spoke every one of it with a hell-like of an anger, you'll think you must have heard Lucifer ranting over the Messiah.

the passage way of air leading to his lungs tightens as he tried harder to pump more air to supply his passing out body. in the cruelty of his mouth and his hands, there are his eyes, drizzling miseries of requiem rain. his chest heaving in rapid succession as he dig down deeper than he could to summon every inexplicable hostilities left buried inside.

bringing out the demons, he realised, he is the demon. the devil.

the dawning of understanding swallowed him in great depression. agony after agony, he lift up the blade, god knows if a fellow devil threw, tempting to slash away the flesh that he know would curse a blood, so vile and so crude.

but the hands of wind gently slap his sweat-filled face. and he could no longer lift the blade, in which he begun shouting undecipherable words in painful tone. shedding tears in immense sorrow of the failure to hurt himself.

and then silence.

in solitude, he was left to ponder how to face again the victims of his curse, hoping once again, they'll understand. that once again, acceptance will overcome fear and rejection.

if you've seen him in that state, i wonder what you'll do. what you'll think and what you'll say.

he was born different. he realised that, not long since he'd known that one plus one is not always equals to two.

it happened during his 1st year in high school. a fever that won't budge. a fever that flew the mercury on a very high number, sending him images of great complexities and impossibilities. then there's the smell of alcohol. people in white gowns, men and women, touching him all over his frail thirteen year old body with their cold instruments. needles punctured his veins. once, twice, thrice...he could not count anymore. there was a tear. pain. fear. then an overwhelming cold.

he survived, but with a price. ten years after, the boy grew up into a man with a strong will but with a weak heart. his laughter was addictive yet he wallow so much in miseries. depression, whenever it visits, overcomes his gentle soul. in anger, he was a monster possessed. and he was never the same again.
___

"The moon can shine just as bright as the sun, you know?"-Wanggo Gallaga

Friday, July 9, 2010

a lot happened lately, which i more than willingly divulged here on my blog, and i thought it would be polite to give you guys a bit of an update about the latest regarding my previous stories.

so let's begin!
__

first, i am more than happy to tell you guys my Willy is finally okay!!! fresh from our sexcapade, thanks to this hot nursing student i met at the hospital a while ago, i am back in the business and is still open for fruitful transactions, hehe. medyo nakakaguilty din kasi i was there para magbantay sa pamangkin ko na nakaconfine pa din as of this writing. (don't worry, tinapos ko ang pagbabantay bago lumandi)

lumabas ako ng room to buy some food when all of a sudden, i felt the urge to take a glance at the nurse station. and there i saw him. maputi, taller than me (am 5'7) with sharp jawline and intense eyes. sobrang astig!

as we quickly stare at one another, i bet we both knew. the reaction from our groins are just too much to ignore.

back in my niece's hospital room, yung cousin ko naman ang lumabas for yosi break. so i was left alone with my niece (she's still a baby, 8 months old if am not mistaken), lay down beside her, patting her legs to sleep.

knock knock.

i said enter. and to my surprise, it was the same guy i saw at the nurse station. i quickly stood up as he asked me a few questions 'bout sa pagdumi at ihi ng pamangkin ko. he listened quietly with a very uncomfortable gaze as he write things down on his small notebook.

and just as he's about to leave the room, he tore down a page of his notebook, handed it to me and before i could even react, he's already out in the hallway. the note said: here's my number, call me asap.

so far, eto pa lang ang naayos. but all the same, am happy most of my problems flipped quickly and easily. one foot at the door and i hope everything will settle in their right places at the right moment. chos! =)

__

ON A DIFFERENT NOTE i know almost the entire blogosphere will be at tommorow's booklaunch (Threesome with McVie, MGG and the Mysterious E) but sadly, i can't make it due to other commitments. gustong-gusto ko pa naman pumunta dahil wala pa kong nami-meet na blogger from this other side of the blogosphere. anyway, goodluck to all three of them especially to Joel McVie and i promise, hindi man ako makakapunta sa launch, am definitely buying all three of them!
__

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

well, not the fuck that we're all expecting, but the kind you'll wish you never had. so here, let me share with you the few fucks i've got for the last 48 hours:

1. suspended credit card. it's actually just an extension from my father, but i screwed things up and forgot to keep track of my growing expenses which include bulk payments for Restaurant City's Playfish Cash. and, also, was it my fault every store i love is on sale this past weeks?

2. lappy is still broke.hindi ko pa rin siya napapagawa up till now. yesterday, my cousin had to get married immediately after she and her boyfriend found out she's 5 weeks pregnant. so, i went home immediately to witness the wedding followed by an early dinner then a drinking session with the "new members of our family." today is my lola's birthday naman. so, still no time for lappy to get fixed.

3. francis and i aren't talking much lately.

4. 3.jobless. this is one of the drawbacks of being a freelancer. pag wala kang raket feeling mo pulubi ka na. at ganun ang pakiramdam ko ngayon.

5. 4. someone is like courting me. i know, very hetero, right? the problem is, i don't have the slightest romantic feeling for him. i don't know how to break this to him, pero as of now, being in a relationship is the very last thing on my list. o excuse ko lang yun dahil sa totoo lang, hindi ko naman talaga siya type?anyhoo, hindi ko na dapat talaga 'to pinatagal pa. i don't wanna hurt his feelings. =(

6. 5. my precious harry potter books got wet (sob). i forgot to close my window last night and apparently, it rained really hard that it practically victimized my innocent books. book 1 (sorcerer's stone) is the most damaged.

7. 6. i lost my thumb drive for the nth time containing important contact lists, previous articles, photos, videos and other important stuff.

Five days after Benigno Simeon Aquino III swore in as the 15th President of the Republic of the Philippines, I still couldn’t find the appropriate words to string together, that I may actually write a decent article on the recent turn-out of events, as we once again write a new leaf on the history of our nation.

Let me begin by apologizing to everyone, whose hearts swelling and glowing with pride and enthusiasm, whose clothes flooded with yellow and those whose thumb and index finger in some sort of an angle. Forgive me if I’m not as optimistic as you. Forgive me if am not as trusting as you are.

I guess it was really hard for someone who’s been alleged of being a total cynic, worse a communist rebel, to remain optimistic if you spent your early years only to learn that hope is a refuge for the fools. For a young mind indoctrinated by his university and his nature of work of a savaging truth about your country, where the story of a mining activist Eliezer Billanes, gunned down inside a crowded public market of Koronadal City, happens every day in its every corner, questions would always find its place. Especially if you spend some quiet time talking to a family of farmers, who not only lost their hopes of having their own piece of land to plow but also lost a precious son whose education was built by ounces of sweat and blood, Hacienda Luisita would never become a promise of bright yellow hopes and promising future.

I was there in front of the television. Too young to join the fat mob trying to throw away a gambling lord, who only a few years ago was cheered by the same people as he deliver his iconic speech of ‘wag-ninyo-akong-subukan, I was then glowing with pride at the display of my country’s precious democracy. Here is a country of truth, I said. Here is a nation who deserves a leader of truth, she said.

That was Gloria Arroyo, with all her poise and smile that rival that of Erap’s poor posture and heavy mustache that is hiding so many secrets of anomalies, a symbol of hope and a new promise for a country whose economic stature at the very bottom of financial heap. It was then again time to dream; time to restore the national faith.

But three years grew nine and dreams turned nightmare. Millions for the casinos turned millions for a cozy dinner and millions of payolas become millions of pork barrels.

We all asked, what went wrong? Erap’s grin inside his golden cell hinted nothing but sarcasm. Cory Aquino did a pontious-pilate. Juan dela Cruz shunned away in a corner, confused, betrayed and still deprived. He felt defeated.

It is the cycle of truth that led us from Marcos’s dictatorship to failed promises delivered by Cory Aquino; from the so-called elitism of Ramos to Erap’s daunting plunder; and now from Gloria Arroyo’s horror to Noynoy Aquino’s transposed humble democracy of his parents. But behind all the mud and dirt of previous governments and ruling, there lies my unwavering faith for people of courage and honor, who manages to smile and laugh in the midst of a calamity, be it by nature or by their very own leaders –my faith and hope for my fellow Filipinos.

I remember what my favorite priest, who’s now assigned at the National Shrine of Our Lady of Fatima in Valenzuela, used to say in his homily. Optimism and being hopeful is different. Optimism is expecting things to turn-out according to your preference. Hope, on the other hand, is the conviction that even if things didn’t turn-out quite right, we stand anyway. And with pride I can say, Filipinos stood firm despite anything. Weathered all storm. Nurses his every wound.

It’s not that I don’t have faith for our new president at all. By all means, I am willing to support his administration as a citizen of this nation. And with conviction, unlike the previous years, I can say that he is my president. The challenge of six years has just begun and the promises of Noynoy are as heavy as his parents’ legacy. The bulk of job is no joke yet the chances were there already.

Mourn the losses because they are many but celebrate the triumphs since they are few. This is a celebration of our small triumph of making it out of nine years of mockery, of delusion, and the constant massacre of our basic rights. The color of celebration is not yellow but red, from the blood of no less than 57 victims of Maguindanao massacre where justice is not yet served; from the blood of no less than 97 activists that are killed in southern Mindanao since Gloria Arroyo took office in 2001; and from the blood of hundreds and hundreds of faceless and nameless Filipinos who are slaughtered as a result of insatiable greed for money and power.

This I can promise. Like the previous years of Gloria Arroyo’s administration, I will remain hopeful, not optimistic. And am sure most of us will. After all, this is still the same Philippines, the same Filipinos. The same land and the same heavens above. But in this new era, the cycle continues. Efforts must be doubled. And hope must always prevail.

i was looking for a new laptop cooler at this certain mall in quezon city, when i suddenly felt the urge of visiting the john. so i quickly look for the nearest restroom. there was no one inside, so dun na lang ako sa wall urinal nagpunta. as i was unzipping my pants, someone entered.

there he was, probably 3 inches taller than me (am 5'7), semikal, moreno and the rest...hmmnn not so important anymore coz guess what? of the 3 remaining vacant urinals (i was occupying the fourth one) he stand exactly right beside me, then slowly unzipped his pants as his eyes quickly inspected my cock.

ting! eto na, sabi ko. after 2 months of tagtuyot, i feel like i can now smell the sweet scent of first spring rain.