Gathering Evidence for Your Beliefs

Everything – and I do mean EVERYTHING – that you believe about the world around you is based on evidence. From your thoughts about the meaning of life and the purpose of your existence, all the way down to your conviction that you look better as a blonde than as a brunette, every principle, opinion, or thought about which you might take a stand is based on evidence.

Take the widely-held belief that life is better when you are kind to others. You may or may not believe this. If you DO, your reasons likely include the following:

When you are kind to others, you feel good. This good feeling spills over into all other aspects of your day, increasing your optimism and helping you cope with unfavorable circumstances.

When others are kind to YOU, you feel good. The gratitude and bonding you experience when someone smiles at you or helps you convinces you that you want to give this gift to others.

You have read or been told that kindness is a virtue. Since you already had faith in the people or books that told you this, you believe it.

All of the reasons above are pieces of EVIDENCE that your brain uses to support your belief that kindness is GOOD. There are probably HUNDREDS of specific example in your brain that strengthen this belief; therefore, you believe it.

But someone else may not.

Consider a hard-nosed, financially successful business executive who has gained his power and prestige by stepping on the hopes and dreams of other people on his road to “the top.” To him, kindness is weakness. To him, the best life possible is the one created by instilling fear, stealing opportunities, and cutting others off at the knees. To him, money and power far outweigh love and connection. And you better believe that he has evidence to back it up.

So who has it right? Is it better to be kind, or better to be ruthless?

Answer: It really doesn’t matter.

Now, before you throw a giant fit and vow to never visit my website again, remember that I actually DO believe in absolutes. I personally believe that LOVE IS ALWAYS THE BEST WAY. But when it comes down to what an individual BELIEVES, especially if that individual is an adult, the truth of the matter…well…DOESN’T matter. And I’m about to tell you why.

How Confirmation Bias Works…and why it screws us over.

Have you ever had an assignment that required you to research and defend a position (whether or not abortion should be legal, whether to allow men into women’s restrooms, etc)? What happened when, while doing said research, you came across information that directly opposed the stand you were trying to make? Did you include it in your paper?

Heck no, you didn’t! At best, you pulled out a few objections for the express purpose of proving them wrong. More than likely, you pitched the entire source that went against your viewpoint.

THIS IS HOW YOUR BRAIN WORKS WHEN YOU HAVE DECIDED SOMETHING IS TRUE.

Once you’ve gathered up enough evidence for your brain to sense a pattern, it starts looking for evidence that fits that pattern. Evidence to the contrary gets cast aside. This is why, if you are convinced, say… that no one thinks you are pretty, you will immediately determine that a stranger who glanced at you and then away couldn’t stand to look at you, rather than assuming that this person was actually ATTRACTED to you but too shy to make eye contact for long. The reality of the situation is that you cannot POSSIBLY know what that person was thinking, even if you were to ask them. But since you have already established a belief, you will seek evidence for that belief in your circumstance. The tendency to look for information that supports beliefs we already hold is called CONFIRMATION BIAS, and it happens on a subconscious level ALL DANG DAY.

The Bad News

Because of Confirmation Bias, we spend most of our lives running around CEMENTING beliefs that: 1) may actually be false, and 2) on top of being false, may be HOLDING US BACK.

Here’s a common example: So many of my clients, in the wake of something they have deemed a “failure” (though this loaded word is often applied to something as mildly problematic as forgetting a dentist appointment) will say things like, “I suck at everything,” or “I’m never going to get better at this stuff.” When you think these thoughts, you feel horrible and self-conscious – much MORE likely to retreat into your home to lick your wounds than to get curious about what caused your mistake, brush the dirt off your butt, and get out there to try again.

But think about it – how crazy are those statements? You suck at EVERYTHING? And you are somehow able to see into the future and know that you will NEVER get better? There is almost ALWAYS an incredible amount of evidence to the contrary of such demeaning thoughts, but to the person who already believes these statements, it is difficult (or impossible) to see.

The Good News

Now that you know about Confirmation Bias and your own brain’s tendency to seek evidence for thoughts it has already produced many times, you can start to do something that will open WIDE the doors of self-discovery: QUESTION YOUR THOUGHTS.

Say you have the ever-so-depressing thought, “Nobody likes me.” I don’t know what prompted it. Maybe no one wrote on your Facebook wall for your birthday. Maybe you gained three pounds and didn’t get invited to the unofficial company trip to Vegas. Whatever the reason, the thought that no one likes you pops up, and your brain begins to suffocate you with evidence to support it. Your ex-best friend doesn’t like you, your boss doesn’t like you, your mother-in-law doesn’t like you, that dude at the coffee-shop who looked at you funny doesn’t like you….so it must be true that nobody likes you. But watch what happens when you apply a few questions to the thought “Nobody likes me.”

Q: Is it TRUE that nobody likes you? Can you find any evidence to the contrary?(If you can think of even ONE person who DOES like you, or ONE person that has not met you and therefore has not decided whether to like you or not, then you cannot honestly say this is true.)

Q: If it is not ENTIRELY TRUE, or NOT TRUE AT ALL…what purpose does holding on to this belief serve? (Often, beliefs like this result from our brain trying to protect us from the pain of rejection. Ironically, this belief generally causes more pain than the rejection would have caused.)

Q: If you were to go around looking for evidence that people DID like you, how would that change your behavior and progress toward the life you want?

See what happens to the belief when you start to question it? Suddenly, the evidence you haven’t been paying attention to starts to pop up, allowing you to start building a case for a different thought – a thought that will inspire confidence and lift your spirit.

Keep in mind, Cupcakes, that if you are new to the concepts I’m talking about here, it’s going to be a lot to take in. For now, your big takeaway is this:

Any time you have a thought that makes you feel bad or keeps you from taking action toward a goal, stop long enough to ask yourself if there is any evidence to support the OPPOSITE thought. If there is – explore it, look for it, and see how it changes your action.

Meta

In A Nutshell…

I was a smart, happy kid who loved reading, learning, and school in general.

No one would have ever guessed I might have ADHD.

Turns out, I do.

Largely because of this, my post-collegiate adult life was full of self-damage, self-doubt, and a whole lot of going nowhere.

Thanks to a wonderful psychotherapist, I discovered my ADHD, started learning about it, and decided to become a coach so that I could help others who are going through a struggle similar to my own.

Ta-da!

A somewhat whimsical exploration of how I became ME.

April

I loudly made my entrance into the world. Nine months later I uttered my first word. A year after that, I launched my plan for world domination by busily memorizing the words to all my favorite books so that I could read them to any and everyone who would let me climb into their lap and charm their pants off. Needless to say, I’ve had an interesting relationship with attention from the very beginning.

Headed

If anyone had suggested I might have ADHD growing up, they’d have been laughed at. I was an educator’s dream: I paid attention in class, turned my homework in on time, asked intelligent questions, brought energy and creativity to class, and, in general, served as a good role model to my peers. I was constantly reading and writing, I communicated easily, and I tested well. Sure, there were subtle signs that my brain-wiring might be a little different – problems with punctuality, an odd sense of humor, the COMPLETE DISARRAY of my bedroom, desk, and locker – but these were written off without much thought. I was a smart girl. I’d be just fine.

Adulthood

College is where things started to break down a little. I managed to co-lead a young-adult youth group, keep my precious 4.0 GPA, and garner a few gratifying accolades from my writing professors, but I struggled to stay organized and to manage my growing stress levels. I also drained four years worth of savings in half that amount of time (forcing me to get a job, which further lowered my ability to balance everything) and became obsessed with my appearance, eventually acquiring an eating disorder that slowly began to erode my health. I told myself that once my fiance and I got married and I was free to focus on my writing, things would improve.

Things

Marriage did not help my emerging ADHD. Marriage made it MUCH, MUCH WORSE. Don’t get me wrong – my husband is an amazing human being for whom I thank God on a daily basis. But he had certain expectations for me. Expectations like…doing my share of household chores. Containing my clutter to ONE room of the house. Saving money instead of immediately spending it on worthless crap. And – oh, yes – finishing that novel I had once been so eager to write. But I didn’t do that. I didn’t do ANY of that. I worked nights at a fine dining restaurant (a job that I found highly entertaining) and spent my days avoiding the tasks I didn’t want to do – tasks that suddenly seemed gargantuan and never-ending. Often, when my husband asked why I had so much trouble pulling my weight, I blew up at him, unleashing a firestorm of hurt, bewilderment, and fear disguised as fury. He responded with anger of his own. Eventually, I started avoiding him altogether, taking on a late-night, partying lifestyle that would have appalled my innocent, high-school self. Our partnership fractured and threatened to break.

A

Over the course of several years, and thanks to the efforts of a few trusted mentors and a WONDERFUL marriage counselor (we love you, Doug!), my husband and I figured out how to work with and take joy in each other. I eased out of the night-life I had been living, instead putting most of my energy into becoming a Certified Sommelier (in short, a wine and beverage expert who knows WAY more than you probably care to about your glass of Merlot.) I thought I had found a career in which I could excel, and that, from here on out, everything was going to go well.

INSTEAD,

I don’t know when it happened. I assume I slid into despair gradually – so gradually that I didn’t see what was happening. But it felt like I woke up one day with shackles around my wrists. My eating disorder was back in full force; I practically lived on steamed broccoli and caffeine. Because of this, I was constantly exhausted, irritable, and sad. My job, instead of continuing to provide amusement and challenge, had become saturated with boredom for me – a boredom so intense that walking through the doors of a place I used to love now triggered bitter, hastily hidden tears. I wanted to quit, but I couldn’t think of any other means of gaining income that would feel any better than my current situation. My attempts to produce some kind of marketable fiction on the side failed miserably – I simply couldn’t finish what I started. Worst of all, I realized I hadn’t cracked my Bible in a YEAR, and I avoided church because I didn’t feel connected to anyone there. My mind whirled with constant guilt, shame, and intense disappointment in myself – what had happened to the happy, energetic, God-focused girl I used to be? The girl with all that promise – all that potential? It seemed that she had disintegrated entirely.

The

I finally broke down and sought help from a intuitive, pretty psychotherapist who specialized in eating disorders. She asked wonderful questions and offered suggestions that I thought would probably help me, if only I could remember to implement them. Upon hearing that I struggled with remembering to JUST FREAKING DO what we agreed I would do, she turned to me and asked if I’d ever considered that I might have ADHD. I waved away her comment, informing her of all the things I have just relayed to you – that I did fantastically well in school and there was SIMPLY NO WAY I could have an attention problem. But when I returned home that night, curiosity got the better of me, and I typed ADHD into my Google search bar.

BOOM

You can surmise what happened next. From the moment I took my first Do You Have ADHD? quiz, all doubt was eliminated. That list of symptoms was like a blueprint to my idiosyncrasies – a neat picture of behavior that I had assumed was unique to ME. Seeking further validation, I quickly searched for further information that would back up my discovery. There I was again, reflected in the articles, stories, and comments left by people JUST LIKE ME. People who were working hard and getting nowhere. People who, despite what they had been told for so long, were NOT lazy, stupid, unreliable, insensitive, selfish, childish ASSHOLES. People who, with a little help, could THRIVE. Overwhelmed with hope and relief, I cried tears of joy for the first time ages.

Sooooo.....?

My discovery and self-diagnosis of ADHD launched a frenzy of research. I checked out armfuls of books from my local library, scoured the web, and spent hours every day listening to podcasts. The idea of utilizing an ADHD Coach as a way to bolster progress was new to me, but intriguing. I looked into it. What I found was more than a strategy – it was a purpose. Unbeknownst to me, I’d been slowly accumulating the skills necessary to be a coach since the day I was born. Drive to connect with others? Check. Love of learning and investigative study? Double check. Fond of asking thought-provoking questions? Yep. Good writing skils? Obviously (haha). Personal understanding of what it’s like to have ADHD? Ohhhh, yeah. The list went on – there were several great reasons to pursue becoming a coach. But the biggest one was the knowledge that there are still so many people out there who are drowning in misery and bewilderment, unable to force themselves into society’s mold, and my heart BREAKS for them. For these people – for the chance that I could shine a little hope into their lives – I will do everything within my power, with the help of the God who, I believe, guided me to this exact place in the world.