The End of Our Long National Jennifer Aniston-Is-Single Nightmare … and Other Horror Stories From This Week’s Tabloids

Us Weekly

Jennifer Aniston & Justin Theroux Are Engaged: So much for that other story from last week saying they’d broken up. “Justin Theroux was a bundle of jangled nerves” on his 41st birthday, since “the only present he wanted was to hear Jennifer Aniston say yes to his proposal of marriage.” The nervous Theroux “even swore to a friend she’d say no.” The tabloids would have gone nuts if she’d said no. “Jen cried. The proposal was simple. He was surprised she said yes, but he is so happy.” They celebrated at a Greenwich Village restaurant. In 2005 she told Vanity Fair “There’s an amazing man that’s wandering the streets right now who’s the father of my children.” She meant in the future, I think. In the following years “she kissed a string of frogs — ahem, John Mayer — and now friends are thrilled that the actress has finally found her prince at age 43.” Because women are princesses until the day they die, duh. “Jen’s had a really hard time with love. She hasn’t always given herself the respect she deserves.” The tabloids profitably hammering on her self-esteem and life choices probably didn’t help. It’s cute how they’re like a passive-aggressive frenemy suddenly pretending to be happy for her!

Far from the ring-hungry harridan she was portrayed as in the press, Jen actually may have had cold feet, fearing that marriage might jinx her “best relationship ever.” The understanding Theroux “knew how uneasy she was about marrying again but he also knew deep down that she wanted this.” The wedding will be small, “kind of like eloping,” with the destination TBD. “Justin isn’t as flashy as the men she’s been with in the past, so it won’t go too over the top.” Meaning there won’t be bridesmaids or fireworks. Justin’s uncle Paul Theroux (!) released a statement that he is “happy to give them my congratulations.” Justin’s mom “thinks Jennifer is an angel.” Justin actually turned down a screen-test for Friends in 1994, but doesn’t regret it. The pair finally met during the filming of Tropic Thunder. She says, “I remember thinking he was very dark. At first you think he could be, like, a serial killer, but he is actually the nicest person in the world.” Don’t forget he was second billed in American Psycho. Theroux was still dating stylist Heidi Bivens, but they broke up around the time of Wanderlust and he soon began hooking up with Aniston. She quickly went about “adopting his hipster uniform” of leather jackets and jeans, which he started wearing during his years at Bennington College. Jen has said, “Having experienced everything you don’t want in a partner over time, it starts to narrow down to what you actually do want. As I get older, I realize what qualities are important in love and what suits me. And what I won’t settle for.” That includes Brad Pitt’s lack of “sensitivity chip” and “John Mayer’s attention-grabbing antics.” Justin may have actually already proposed once, but Jen told him “she wasn’t ready.” Aniston “saw no need to put a label of husband and wife on their relationship.” That is sweet, and not all too surprising given the fact that her last marriage went up in very public flames. “She was heartbroken for a long time and it went down in such an ugly way — but she couldn’t care less now.”

I’d argue that Justin Theroux is a way better catch than Brad Pitt. Theroux seems smart and funny in addition to hot, while Pitt can only really lay claim to hot. “She feels like an equal with Justin.” Aniston has a laissez-faire attitude about starting a family, but “there’s a real likelihood they’ll adopt.” She’s back at work filming We’re the Millers, but is privately ecstatic. “She is head over heels. When you know, you know.” Thus ends our long national nightmare. At least until the Brad and Angie wedding circus starts up.

Some Details About Brad and Jen’s 2000 Wedding You May Have Forgotten on Purpose:

“To prep, they got matching blond highlights.”

The caterers had “plenty of caviar, but had to rush out for more lobster”

“Pitt requested lotus flowers floating in a specially built slate fountain for a Zen feel.”

“A 13-minute fireworks show of hearts and smiley faces set to Radiohead.” WHAT SONGS?

It cost a million dollars. Enjoy the recession!

Brad & Angelina’s Wedding:No1curr! Anistans win this round. (Jennifer Aniston fans are called Anistans, I learned this week from a Grantland commenter who was not an Anistan).

Kristen Wiig: “When the comedian, 39, woke up after her raucous SNL farewell bash in May, she felt something hard and small in her mouth. Moments later, she realized she’d chipped off her front tooth!” Good, I was worried it was Fabrizio.

Lady Gaga: “I was cuddling my weave like a teddy bear.”

Kimye: They hung out in Hawaii while Kanye records his new album. They ate from the hotel brunch buffet table like commoners, and were spotted “holding hands across the table at a California Pizza Kitchen.” That is so Encino of you, Kim Kardashian! You’re in Hawaii and you went to a CPK?

Jennie Garth: The onetime Kelly Taylor “couldn’t stop dancing” at a Hollywood Bowl concert by other famed Kelly, Clarkson. “Garth, clad in a strappy black top, even inspired jealousy among a few onlookers. Other girls were like, ‘I don’t want to be near Jennie Garth — she’s reverse-aging!'” LOL. Having split from Peter Facinelli this year, she’s been working on her fitness. “She’s already got the body of a 20-year-old.” Yes, because all 20-year-olds have perfect media ideal bodies. She’s losing weight and finally getting mad. “I don’t know if I’m angry at myself for not being enough or angry at him for not considering me to be enough.” Him, you’re angry at him. “She looks perfect.” The real juice is that Garth is developing a sitcom she’d star in opposite Luke Perry.

Misc/Etc: “Best Revenge Makeovers” “A blonde in yellow” “Her olive skin tone is completely exotic” “It’s hard to beat a woman in red” “foxy in fuchsia” “No fear of sheers here” “the teen model” “persuades him to have sex in the vineyard!” “People around them thinks he cheats on her” “I look like an egg” “showed off her guns” “moved on to a newer model” “former ballerina” “She takes music classes on the beach.” “Kristin Cavallari’s life has been filled with Hills and valleys” “twisting in the wind” “a delicious push present” “petting a leopard” “it’s like a mini White House!” “No pigtails here!” “doesn’t need a man to feel her best” “She didn’t stimulate his mind” “I just want to keep my body tight now!” “leather shorts”

Star

Justin Bieber’s Six-Pack Fever: “The 18-year-old singer is obsessed with getting six-pack abs after watching the 2012 Summer Olympics” when his girlfriend Selena Gomez commented on Ryan Lochte’s body. “Knowing she thinks that kind of buff body is hot has given him some serious motivation.” Sorry, Bieb, you still look like the cast of The Real L Word.

Justin Timberlake: Justin “is getting ready to Baroque your body. The 31-year-old singer has been working with an opera coach and plans to incorporate classical music into his upcoming album.” A friend says “Justin loves all music — but opera has always had a special place in his heart as his mother loves it.” This story sounds so fake, but I love it.

Kendall Jenner Texts and Drives: Sixteen and texting! “Onlookers recently caught the Keeping Up With the Kardashians star swerving in and out of the right lane, her eyes on her phone instead of the road.” A witness says “the car was all over the lane! I thought the driver was intoxicated! When I pulled up alongside her car, I realized it was Kendall Jenner. She was texting and driving!” Driving a new Range Rover, the teen “didn’t seem too concerned with her lawbreaking ways. When she realized we were taking pictures of her she gave me a dirty look but continued texting, laughing with her friends in the car.” Kendall Jenner’s life is Clueless.

John Mayer & Katy Perry: Katy made John promise not to kiss and tell, but good luck. Mayer, “one of Hollywood’s most notorious Lotharios,” has “an ungentlemanly M.O. — he picks up hot stars, dates them for a short time, dumps them, then blabs about their sex lives to anyone who will listen. Mayer has claimed that he and Jennifer Love Hewitt “never had sex because of a bout of food poisoning from bad fish.” However, “his latest conquest, Katy Perry, thinks she’s one step ahead of him” and is determined to escape the fate of his previous “love victims.” Mayer “assured Katy he’ll never say anything to the media about them, no matter what happens.” Despite Katy’s precautions, it’s still a gamble, and Perry “can’t claim she wasn’t aware of his player reputation!” She cryptically tweeted, “oh my heart.” on August 14 and has been silent since. Katy is romantic and John notoriously adept at sweet-talking, so of course this was going to happen. Soon there will be enough songs by female singer-songwriters about John Mayer to make a compilation tape. He’s our James Taylor.

Zoe Saldana & Bradley Cooper: “Bradley and Zoe broke up, but Zoe still isn’t over him. She’d be heartbroken if he brought another woman” to the premiere of their upcoming movie The Words, “so he told producers he’d arrive solo.” He should bring McKinley.

Eva Mendes & Ryan Gosling: “Ryan believes in mutual commitment before children. But Eva doesn’t support the institution of marriage. She’s very outspoken about it. Still, the 38-year-old knows her babymaking years are on the wane.” She is “considering caving and actually proposing to Ryan.” Be sure to mention that your babymaking years are on the wane.

Misc./Etc: “Ready to take on roles as husband and wife” “her bikini bottoms also took a nosedive” “Go shawty!” “she’s got a boyfriend!” “but what about trampires?” “Sharon Stone was icy hot” “high-culture outing” “an empanada in the oven” “Tom Brady was gunning for the title of Most Adorable Dad Ever” “Prince Harry playing table tennis in an Angry Birds hat” “the child’s hair is falling out after too many dye jobs” “greedy for freebies” “wants a new baby badly” “put a ring on her finger!” “he thinks he’s overweight” “there are fears that their passion for each other could overtake their passion for acting.” “Someone mature and self-confident but who isn’t a player.” “a menagerie of puppies, kittens, and bunny rabbits to keep her company.”

In Touch

Rob Pattinson & Kristen Stewart: “He wants her to admit it was more than sex — that she developed feelings for Rupert [Sanders].” He asked to see her text message receipts, “but she says she’s deleted them.” While he holes up in Ojai, Kristen has “been writing him dozens of emails begging him to take her back. She’ll text him ‘Are you alive? Do you hate me? Are you okay?’ He responds with ‘Yes. No. Maybe.’”

50 Cent: “I’ve never been in love. I haven’t been able to equally invest emotionally. I fuck everything up.” Can Woody Allen cast 50 Cent as the next Woody Allen surrogate character?

Mary-Louise Parker on Marijuana: “I’ve never smoked it.” She plans to cave in and fire up the bong with coworkers for the series finale of Weeds.

Anderson Cooper: His boyfriend Ben Maisani “was snapped allegedly kissing a hunky mystery man in New York’s Central Park.” A friend says, “I’m shocked because I know for sure they don’t have an open relationship. This is going to be a nightmare for Anderson.” Anderson may have avoided coming out for so long precisely because he didn’t want this type of public inquiry into his personal life.

Rupert Sanders: “was spotted looking ‘really sad’ munching on a pastrami sandwich during a solo meal at a cafe.” How sad can you be when you’ve got a pastrami sandwich to munch on?

Is Taylor Swift a Jackie or a Marilyn? Seventy-three percent of In Touch readers say Jackie O. Taylor Swift’s Kennedy obsession is a billion times creepier than Lana Del Rey’s.

Gwen Stefani on Staying in Shape: “It’s easy! You just have to eat healthy, work out and torture yourself.”

Mischa Barton: “I want to do dogwear in the future.”

Misc/Etc: “I GOT DEATH THREATS FOR BEING BEAUTIFUL.” “Telly Monster called!” “starting to feel every bit her age” “sagging breasts and a droopy eye” “Will Prince Harry still be roguishly handsome after his boyish looks have faded?” “Miley’s dog poops diamonds!” “hit the beach on horseback” “butt out” “gets his motor running with model girlfriend” “shows off a picture of a cute kitty on her phone” “an odd place to take a cigarette break” “her topless scene” “say something catty” “an expensive fantasy-fulfilling jaunt” “I pretty much saw my mom drunk almost every day.” “a drug addict and lives out of a van” “The party boy” “overwhelmed and overjoyed by the size and beauty of it.” “He’s very involved, almost controlling, but guess what! She loves it! It makes her feel safe and loved.”

OK!

Teen Mom Farrah Abraham: Here we go. “Long before she became a star on MTV’s Teen Mom or lost the love of her life in a tragic car accident, Farrah Abraham was a teenage wild child with a taste for booze, marijuana, cocaine and middle-of-the-night booty calls.” She paints an evocative scene of “a bonfire party in the woods at age 16” in Iowa. “I found myself in a truck, making out with some boy and calling him Derek. He was going below the belt and I started yelling ‘Let’s have sex!’ I don’t even remember getting home that night.” This is an excerpt from Abraham’s memoir My Teenage Dream Ended. Farrah Abraham is 21. She and boyfriend Derek Underwood were tumultuously on and off. “Farrah would binge drink and hook up with a new guy to try to forget Derek or to make him jealous. In one embarrassing incident she recalls that she ‘drank enough jungle juice to forget where the potty was’ and ended up wetting the bed, where she was passed out with her one-night stand.” After having daughter Sophia and losing Derek to a car accident, she started partying even more. “I drank too much and did some coke. I couldn’t handle the effect of the alcohol and drugs. I started crying about Derek to some guy I was kind of into.” She spiraled into depression and considered suicide. “I was completely paranoid — brain crazy. I quit wearing makeup and doing my hair. I stayed in my house for three days straight that Christmas.” Moving away from home “and beginning a music and modeling career on her own terms in Florida helped ease the pain.” She regularly sees a therapist now. She claims to be sober, and “doesn’t use street drugs anymore, but a friend claims Farrah bragged about abusing prescription meds. She talked about how she does Xanax and Adderall to stay up and energized. She frequented the bathroom that whole night, taking them to stay up.” Farrah denies the story and says, “It’s very sad that another mother would make up such stories, especially when I invited her out.”

J.Lo & Casper Smart: “Jennifer is still totally in love with Casper, so it’s not that they’re breaking up. But she has agreed to take a big step back and slow everything down.” Good idea, Jennifer. Also you are super hot and rich, you can find another boyfriend, I promise. Just look at Jennifer Aniston! But don’t go after Justin Theroux.

Justin Theroux: “While reports circulated about Justin’s dinner at New York’s ABC Kitchen with a mystery blonde, his dining companion was comedic actress Amy Sedaris.” OMG JERRI BLANK I LOVE YOUR WORK. This is my favorite story of the week.

Posh Spice: “I don’t really want to talk to my mother about S&M.”

Justin Bieber: “I think I’m a butt guy. I just like butts. I’m attracted to them.” Stars: They’re just like us!

Misc/Etc: “Never underestimate the power of cleavage!” “he gave his little princess a magical adventure” “hard at work portraying a Daisy-Dukes wearing prostitute” “can’t resist a flirty mini!” “appears ready to wed” “it wasn’t strictly an all-male outing” “the glamour and complication of Tom Brady’s family life” “She’d like someone to adopt the affable Mr. Diggers” “meeting up at hotels” “Rob is going to sow his wild oats” “increasingly suspicious of estranged lover” “if she wants to have an affair with this guy, she will” “she’s going to run out of energy” “[warning to Kanye West]” “She’s constantly exhausted and getting quite cranky.” “it’s superfun being a mom but it’s hard too” “It would be funny if she just wants to play with the boxes!”