7 Psychotic Pieces of Relationship Advice from Cosmo

We get it. Guys are tough to figure out: There's like 24 possible combinations that you can make with 1) beer 2) food 3) sex and 4) sports. No wonder their girlfriends have to resort to lady magazines to gain insight into the buzzing hive that is the male mind. We know most women laugh that stuff off as cheap entertainment not to be taken seriously, but what if they actually did listen to all of the advice?

It'd pretty much turn into a nightmare of paranoia and petty revenge. After all, according to various Cosmo articles...

#7. He Shares the Details of His Day, Therefore He Must Be Hiding Something

Men just aren't as communicative as women, especially when they're stressed. So, let's say a guy makes a conscious decision to share more. That's solid advice, no matter the source. When she asks him about his day, instead of just saying, "fine," he can tell her in detail about his argument with Sarah, the lady from HR.

Guess what? Sharing about his day was a big mistake. According to one Cosmo article, giving too many details is a sign that he's hiding something:

"Don't be fooled by a guy who offers up tons of minor bits of information about where he's been or what he's been doing. At first, it may seem that because he can describe so much, he must be truthful. But he could actually be trying to cover his ass. 'If he's telling a story and you notice he's peppering it with insignificant details, that's a warning sign,' says Driver. 'This is especially true if you detect a lot of pauses, because it means he's trying to come up with more facts.' "

"How many more facts before you'll love me?"

Yes, according to Cosmo, by sharing so much about the stressful day he just had, the man is actually revealing that he's cheating on his partner (probably with Sarah). And all those times the man had to stop and think -- to make sure he didn't miss any details? You know, because he wanted to be more communicative? That's pure incrimination.

Relationships are like a game of chess, if chess had a move that forced the
other player to leave his home and possessions behind and stay in a Motel 6 for five weeks.

What kind of consequences he can expect:

The great thing about Cosmopolitan is that it regularly features both relationship red flag articles and "how to get back at him for cheating" articles. So, say this man's girlfriend listened to the former (that is, that her man is cheating because he can really paint a picture with words). Now she just picks up the next issue and figures out what to do about it:

"Resist the urge to break up with him until the day of his big meeting -- then give him a Sharpie mustache right before his alarm goes off."

There's no way your co-workers will notice.

As if work hasn't been stressful enough as it is, our hypothetical man's reward for talking to this hypothetical woman who obeys the mighty word of Cosmo about all the crap he deals with at work is ... more crap he has to deal with at work. Now he's stuck at the office looking like a 16-year-old trying to eke out his contribution to Movember.

#6. If He Swallows While Talking, He's Lying

Sheesh, what a rough day. After barely making the Friday deadline on his report (and writing in that "random performance review" about a Sharpie mustache), the man is on his way home. And he could sure use a drink after that day. Oh, if only it were that simple.

Constant, ceaseless fear of judgment is the backbone of any successful relationship or totalitarian government.

"Keeping something from you makes him nervous, and his body actually goes into freak-out mode. 'When a secret is big enough that he's worried he may lose something important if it's revealed, research shows that his esophageal muscles will start to constrict, causing his throat to dry up,' says Janine Driver, president of The Body Language Institute and author of You Say More Than You Think. 'So if he begins swallowing a lot during your conversation, it's because he's trying to loosen up those throat muscles.' "

Or because he just burned a fat one to ease the stress of dealing with your daily accusations of infidelity.

Yep, he's really got some 'splaining to do now. "Are you nervous about something? What are you nervous about? What are you hiding? Big presentation, huh? Really? What, exactly, were we 'presenting' again? Your horrible package to that bitch Sarah?"

"I don't KNOW if she's prettier than you, because YOU won't agree to a threesome."

What kind of consequences he can expect:

Here's a juicy item from the list of revenge techniques that Cosmo recommends she use when she thinks a man is cheating on her. Yes, these are revenge suggestions for when she merely thinks -- not knows -- that he's cheating:

"Serve up Ex-Lax brownies to give him puh-lenty of time to sit and think about what he's done."

Pro Tip: Never be in this situation, ever.

If he thinks he's dehydrated now, he has has no idea what he's in for when the Ex-Lax Experience causes his body to expel liquid for three days straight. See how much lying you can do when you lapse into a dehydration coma, you duplicitous monster!

#5. If He Wants More Sex From His Girl, He's Cheating

Man, she's been looking extra-hot these past couple of weeks. Our guy sure is a lucky man, and maybe it's time to show her that. Too bad that's not what Cosmo is telling her.

According to Cosmo, a guy wanting more sex is yet another sign that he's hiding something:

"Yes, maybe he's just extrahorny or you're looking extrahot, but a sudden surge in his sexual appetite can also be a sign that something's awry. 'A man who's hiding something won't want to connect emotionally through conversation because he's afraid if he does, he'll spill the secret,' says Krista Bloom, PhD, a psychologist in Florida. 'Instead, because he loves you, he'll look to fill that void by connecting with you physically.' But since various things can cause a spike in a guy's sex drive -- like an awesome shift in your relationship sparked by, say, getting engaged -- don't accuse him of anything without ruling out other explanations."

Like aliens. Women never blame the aliens.

Granted, they do say to rule out other explanations first. But notice they mention this only after they've already explained in detail how and why he's cheating. And they don't say to confirm the cheating - they say to simply rule out other factors. Then you're safe to assume he's banging somebody else. Why acknowledge a smidgen of reasonable doubt when assuming the worst possible scenario is so much more exciting?

"If my love life isn't as dramatic as Hollywood tells me it should be, I know something's wrong."

What kind of consequences he can expect:

He's in for a night in the hospital, because his girlfriend just read this:

Hey, he wanted to physically connect with his significant other. This is technically fulfilling that need, right? She's never been closer to his junk, now that her fingers are crushing it into a pulpy mass of shame and pain. It's probably a good thing that he'll never be capable of maintaining an erection again, because if wanting it means that he's cheating on her, being physically incapable of it must be the ultimate sign of fidelity.

#4. If He Starts Grooming Himself, He's Cheating

Double standards aren't fair. Why should a guy ask his significant other to keep up appearances if he's not willing to himself? So, in a show of solidarity, he shoves his percolating homophobia back into the deepest recesses of his subconscious, pulls his hair clippers out of the closet and start grooming his manly regions. Heck, he figures he might as well get in shape, too, so he tries a new workout routine at the gym.

Bad move: According to Cosmo, this isn't just a sign that he's hiding something, it's a sign that he's outright cheating on her:

His heart is true. And clogged.

" 'This is so obvious, but it's a sign many women miss: If your man starts grooming down there without you requesting it, that could be an indication that he's spending more time naked,' says Vranich. You can actually thank porn for this tipoff. Guys today are used to viewing manscaped dudes onscreen, so if he has another chick to impress with his sexual prowess, he may emulate those ultra-trimmed guys. Another clue: He's spending more time at the gym."

Who exactly are you trying to impress, hypothetical man, what with all the weightlifting and the pruning? Your girlfriend? That can't possibly be the case. She's got crippling self-esteem problems, thanks in no small part to all of these Cosmo articles, so she'll never believe that you started doing things out of consideration for her, nor even for your own health and personal well-being. No, the only possible explanation for your sudden interest in sit-ups is that later that night you're attending the most vile orgy that history has seen since Caligula.

You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.

What kind of consequences he can expect:

Fiery punishment awaits the man stupid enough to try to improve his physical appearance for his girlfriend without her asking:

Hopefully the burning won't kick in until he's hip-deep in writhing skanks, so as to optimize the casualties, like a genital-based revenge grenade. That'll teach you to take up jogging, you morally bankrupt pervert.