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Man Steals Roommate's Milk & Gives Hilariously Bizarre Explanation

There
are few things more disappointing and infuriating than going to your
own refrigerator or to the one in your office and finding the food you'd planned on eating has been stolen.
Okay, there are plenty of things more disappointing, but the fact is it
sucks, and people who knowingly steal other people's food are low.

One such thief, however, really wanted his roommate to know the why behind his crime. Instead of just saying sorry, Alex Koplow wrote an epic explanation to his roommate, explaining his actions, which his roommate then posted on Reddit. It's long, but it's a bizarre and fascinating read. He begins:

Mark,

Right about now you might be thinking, "Hey, what happened to my milk? It looks like somebody opened it and drank some of it.”

Well,
good intuitions, Mark. You’re right. You’re a very good problem solver.
Somebody did dink your milk. I did. This is Alex. Hello.

He
goes on to list five reasons as to why he decided to drink the milk.
From the most obvious -- that he wanted to eat cereal and didn't have
any of his own -- to the truly bizarre fifth reason that read:

5.
You were gone. I missed you. Perhaps drinking your milk was some
subconscious, deep-rooted attempt at connecting with you. So asking why I
took your milk is probably as unanswerable as asking why the heart does
anything.

And
oh, yes, it gets even freakier when he starts talking about another
incident in which beer was involved. He said Mark offered him beers
while they were playing a game the other night. He drank two, but
declined the third "out of respect" for Mark and his purchases. BUT
since it was offered to him, he still felt some ownership to it and used
that to justify the milk theft.

That
third beer, which in some sense I still have a claim to, was in the
fridge last night. I did NOT drink that. I really considered it. But I
thought, what would Mark want me to do.

Rock
and hard Place, I know. But I did what I thought you would do:
sacrifice a little bit of milk to your dear, hungry friend. If you
disagree with this decision, you really have no one to blame but
yourself. I was acting on your behalf.

In
the end he offers some restitution including some beer and one (1)
glass of his orange juice, but does conclude that he just may steal more
of Mark's milk in the future. You can read the whole bizarre thing
for yourself, and I promise it will make you appreciate any roommates
you had or currently have. I think I would seriously question my safety
if I got a note like this from someone with whom I was living.

I suppose it's better than him lying
and saying he didn't do it, but the dude must have a lot of time on his
hands ... and some serious issues. Food stealing is wrong -- very wrong
-- but there's no use crying over a little stolen milk ... or taking
the time and energy to craft an apology like this.

Have you ever had food stolen by a roommate or coworker? Did the thief offer any explanation?

I never had any stolen and I would never steal any, not after I got caught doing it when I was about 6. My older sister had taken me to the candy store with her and bought herself a little box, and me a little box of chocolates. Now these were some fine chocolates. I ate mine, but I noticed she saved her's for later, and I saw them on her dresser..and I just couldn't resist having one, but then I felt guilty so I gathered up what change was lefrt from my allowance, and put the money in the box, knowing she would think it was one of my brothers. But somehow she knew it was me-and the look she gave me withered me, and the talking to was even worse. I cried and cried and asked why she didn't ask my brothers if it was them...she said they would have just taken it and wouldn't have left payment! lol

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