maybe some people should not go on

there isn't some automatic right to live, is there? just because someone exists -- an accident of science and nothing more -- doesn't mean that continued existence is good or right. for example, it is clear to me that i should not "be." i really never should have in the first place. i have recently, for the very first time, recognized that i have absolutely no purpose. i have existed all this time by merely going through the motions -- life has just "happened" for me, from birth until now, i have not actively participated. i have no goals, no ambitions, nothing about which i am passionate. i proceed from one thing to the next, doing the minimum and ultimately, achieving nothing. what kind of "life" is that? i am just an extra in the movie of life. if i were never born, if i ceased to be right now, nothing would be changed . . . not for the worse, at least. lots of things would be better, actually -- in the course of moving through the scenes of my life, i have managed to fuck up everything important; everyone who actually does contribute and does matter who i have come into contact with is worse off for knowing me. and this is not something i can change. i cannot suddenly begin to care about people and things and life; i cannot "grow" a passion, and i cannot become a meaningful or important person. the truth of the matter is that i simply do not care enough. if i did, i would have found meaning decades ago -- i would have had goals and plans and i would have worked to achieve them as best i could. two weeks ago, someone asked me what i wanted to do if i could do anything, what would make me happy. i have come to realize after a lot of reflection that i have absolutely no answer to that question. and even worse, there has never been a time in my life when i could have honestly answered it -- i have never cared about anything or anyone enough to actually "live." with this realization, then, what is the point of continuing? why should i go on doing things that do not matter to me, knowing all the while that my on-going existence makes life worse for people who matter, people i want to achieve and succeed -- people i care about as much as i can care about anything in my selfish existence.

Jake,
I just found this site this morning. Never have posted. I have read a few peoples posts and I keep reading about pain that people are in. Your post is the first I have read that I relate to. I do not feel crazy pain, I feel no reason to be here. Numb, rather not even deal with the daily motions. I do not have any ambitions, goals, wants, desires, and sadly I am pretty sure my daughter would be better off with someone who would show some sort of drive. Since I was a little girl I have been this way. I got married to make my parents happy, had a daughter to make my parents happy got divorced to make my parents happy, for some reason keeping them from being disappointed is the only reason I have gone through the motions called life. What is the point? I cannot offer wisdom or word of encouragement right now cause I truly and in the same kind of boat which I am guessing is not the answer you are looking for.... I merely have the same question.

Lotus, thank you for taking the time to read my absurd little ramble, and even more, for taking the time to respond. but please don't lump yourself in with someone like me. i know that it is difficult sometimes to see your value through the haze of circumstances, but do not rule out the possibility that you have tremendous worth. even if you cannot see "the point" in this moment, give yourself time to find it again. if you look hard enough, you ll realize that there are still things that matter to you. you will find passion, things that give you purpose -- those are where your worth, your value will will reveal itself. i am a deeply fucked-up and truly worthless person, Lotus; it probably goes too far for me to even characterize myself as a person. and my conclusions about myself are based on a lot of serious thinking (and finally being honest with myself). the fact that you took the time to respond to my silly little post makes it clear that there is much more to you, though. give yourself time to find that. i'll even start you off . . . whether you want to believe that you had your daughter just to please your parents, i will wager that you care deeply for her. it's good to ask yourself these questions periodically. it keeps you moving forward in a direction that matters. but do not assume that just because the answers are not always obvious to you that it must mean that you do not care about anything, or that you have no value. look harder and longer until you find your answers. you are a good person, Lotus, and you have value and importance.

Jake,
I appreciate your response as well. It seems as though your are taking some of the words right out of my head when you stated you been thinking this way for a while and finally said it out loud. I hope you realize you are being kind as well by your response. I do care for my daughter wow... this is the first time I am actually admitting out loud that I care not because I feel a connection but because I generally know I am suppose to. I am not an affectionate person with hugs and kisses. Mostly I wonder what kind of damage I could be doing to her by not being a more connected mother, but I know me ending my life would be more damage. I only know this 1st hand through my best friends' loss. I cannot believe I actually typed that. I wonder Jake how can it be that you say I have purpose by merely posting a response when you in fact did the same? Does that not mean the same for you? I have no idea how I started rambling like this... I am glad though that you appreciated a response. I only hope it helps to know someone else is struggling with this too

I feel likewise. I am merely an observer and not a participant. And what I had participated in was horrible..it left me with lifelong traumatic memories I honestly wish I didn't 'have' to wake up in the morning, but I also don't want to die, alone, in my exes apartment. I at least give myself the incentive to live to find my own place and then reflect more on the way my life is going and how it may go. I don't want to keep going like 'this'..but do have some enjoyment in life still..just creating and doing my own stuff is what keeps me OK..

I feel likewise. I am merely an observer and not a participant. And what I had participated in was horrible..it left me with lifelong traumatic memories I honestly wish I didn't 'have' to wake up in the morning, but I also don't want to die, alone, in my exes apartment. I at least give myself the incentive to live to find my own place and then reflect more on the way my life is going and how it may go. I don't want to keep going like 'this'..but do have some enjoyment in life still..just creating and doing my own stuff is what keeps me OK..

Sorry I think I did the reply wrong. If I remember correctly you get by with having goals to get out of the exes apartment sounds like a plus. You also said you said you have some things that you enjoy. This is great.... I think that is what I am lacking most. I don't have a current drive to do anything, and yet nothing appeals to me to go to. It's a struggle.