Hot damn, nothing, and I mean NOTHING must be going on in the world today (What’s a war? And a food crisis? And an imminent depression cycle?) for this to be headline news in the celebrity blogosphere:

I mean, jeezus, I’m a big proponent of personal hygiene, and find any waxy buildup on anything to be absolutely repugnant–but I really just don’t want to spend one single moment of the day looking into anyone’s orifices (whether they’re cake farting (NSFW) or just getting into their Porsche). Not even on the Interwebs.

For the record, I’ve given the earwax evidence photo one good, long look, and I just don’t see the wax. Maybe I don’t have my glasses on, or maybe the search is just too banal, but I really just don’t see it… Ok, ack, maybe I do see it. EWW. How wet and waxy!

Keanu is one of those fun, purty, mixed-race pups–a charming combination of mostly English, with Hawaiian, Chinese, Irish, and Portuguese. Inside I’ve always wondered which “part” of him dominated– is he basically a Euro-Canadian dipped gently into Polynesian and East Asian flavorings, like a Dairy Queen cone (In other words: Dude’s mostly white, but it’s the Asian parts that make him yummy)? Or is he really a yellow man at his core, with a slight penchant for Jack Johnson and the word “brah”?

Of late, I’ve kind of assumed he was leaning more towards his yellow side. Heck, he dates a woman named China, for chrissake. At least, we think he does…

But remember the NYT story from a few years back? How Japanese scientists identified an earwax gene that identified Euro/Afro earwax as wet-waxy, and East Asian earwax as dry? Well, if that’s the case, I guess our man cannot physically deny that he is mostly wet and waxy, and therefore a Dairy Queen cone.

THE EARWAX HAS HELPED ME FIGURE HIM OUT!

Um.

Yeah.

Wow, if ever a massive cultural low could be accomplished by just one person, one lone Asian blogger with a foggy brain and a slight lingering crush on Keanu (from the Speed days, of course), it just happened.