Things I Learned at the Oscars

Lots of celebrities never appear to get told “no” about anything, especially not about what they’re wearing, especially when it pertains to whether or not their tops are too small or too big.

If there weren’t gays in Hollywood, there wouldn’t be much Hollywood. Which is both good and bad because either Hollywood ain’t what it used to be, or I’m not.

Taupe, ecru, and buff don’t look good on everyone, not even Evan Rachel Wood, who could make smallpox look good.

The Wolverine can sing!

Three hours of Hugh Jackman is probably too much, even when he’s singing.

Too much of a “feelgood” movie can be really dull.

Most actors are at sea without the teleprompter.

Every time the gaze of the camera lens falls on Angelina Jolie, she makes exactly the same face: THIS ONE, which makes her look like an anesthetized salamander. My girlfriend and I do not agree about her merits. It’s one of the only things we don’t agree on.

Many people do look better as they get older (Sean Penn, Kate Winslet). Eye wrinkles are very sexy, and I’m not just saying that because I have them.

Poor people can make it to the Oscars ceremony, but only if they’re escorted or if they’re children.

It is possible for a documentary filmmaker to dress better than Miley Cyrus.

It’s okay to look like shit, but only if you’re male and really famous and/or rich.

Beyoncé is going to sing everything, on every show, from now on. She’s going to sing the next White House press conference.

I haven’t seen Cuba Gooding, Jr. in a long time, and I didn’t even notice.

It’s really important to explain that you came from nowhere when you accept your Academy Award, and “nowhere” can include a trailer park, a small town, or a slum.

Everybody thanks Harvey Weinstein.

It’s OK to wear your hair the way I generally do on days when I’m hung over, but only if you’re going strapless.

Going strapless is not for everyone, no matter how famous or rich you are.

Comebacks are totally possible, but don’t always expect an Oscar with that, Mickey.

Not everyone in Hollywood has fake breasts. But everyone is wearing about six inches of makeup, both men and women, especially now that HDTV shows every flaw.

Makeup isn’t just for your face any more–it’s also for your body!

Being young is not equivalent to being interesting.

Americans need to fully embrace the concept of jolie-laide (or, in the case of Mickey Rourke or John Waters, joli-laid). And Tilda Swinton is not it. I mean real jolie-laide, like they have in Europe.