Sunday, September 26, 2010

Still have that persistent feeling that nothing I write here is of significance or importance to annnnybody, but it's also interesting that my most mundane posts frequently attract the most comments, while the rare flashes of political and social insight are less likely to draw comments. Who knows? Just one of those mysteries.

But because I get tired of seeing the old subject header every time this page is opened, here's a random update. My source is none other than the personal diary I keep offline as a Word document.

So here it is. You asked for it. Well, actually, no you didn't. But here it is anyway:
~

9/1:FG has friended me on Facebook.He was, I guess, the first boy I ever kissed – in 9th grade on a music department trip to Washington DC.I just wanted to try it out, a what-the-hell kind of thing.Naturally he turned out to be one of the nerdiest kids in the whole school and thought we'd end up getting married or something.He kept following me around.I never had the slightest interest in him.Fortunately, he got married ASAP, to some girl, less than 2 years out of high school.But – the first thing he said to me on Facebook was how vividly he remembered the kiss.Mama mia.No one's gonna tell me my lips are, or ever were, that special!!

9/4:

Very roller-coastery mood type of day!I had the alarm set for 8am, but woke up at 6:02 and all I could think of was the neighborhood's executive committee meeting and how I hadn't 1. typed the minutes from last month's meeting; 2. typed an agenda for the president or 3. typed the minutes from the August general residents' meeting that Dorothy R. had recorded when I couldn’t make the meeting on Aug. 12th. [anxiety]

That did it for me; I was out of bed before 7.Not that I sat down at the computer and did the work right off, oh, no!I waited until nearly the last minute, then dashed it off (very relieved that while last month's exec minutes covered 4 densely written pages, the essential information filled only one), then took a shower and headed out to FedEx Office.While their computer seemed to have mouse issues (until I just took the mousepad away) and the glare from the front door was in my eyes, I did have some good luck.Instead of printing out all 10 copies, I just printed one and then moved over to the copier and made the rest of them.That saved me a LOT of money.Got out of there in very good time, went to the meeting and it was good, though I got really sleepy about 2/3 of the way through and had to ask Charlotte for a coke.She made fried tilapia for everybody but I got mine "to-go" and went to the library after stashing the box in the fridge. The tilapia was very good, by the way.

I've tried the Eastgate branch twice in the last few weeks, on a Tuesday and then on a Friday, and both times they were closed! Glad I got them when they were open today. Got 5 books, all nonfiction. Right now I'm just bloody tired! A weird little problem: I need to find a keyring – you'd think in a house with two busy adults, there'd be a multitude of key rings, but so far, no. Maybe Carl has one stashed someplace. I'd feel like a fool buying one.

Anyway, now it's NAP TIME!!! My stomach has been slightly queasy all day; I had 2 hardboiled eggs., but doubt I got anything off them. It's just that kind of a day, I think.

[7:53pm] Took a very brief nap, which was broken by the clothes-dryer buzzer. But it helped my tummy.

Got a keyring from Carl with the Ga. Bulldogs logo. That will make me popular with some people and distinctly unpopular with others. I will have to be strong.

9/6:

(Monday, Labor Day) Got up after 9:30. Cleaned my keyboard. Spent a fair amount of time watching TV: tried to finish Donnie Darko, but it didn't really engage me. So I switched over to a Hoarders marathon for awhile. Then went back on the computer until the season premiere of Hoarders. Watched 2 one-hour episodes. It's now after 11:30; I really ought to get to bed. I feel a kinship with my poor ol' ADD Dad who was always at such a loss on weekends and holidays. Felt like doing so much but just couldn’t really get started. I was colossally bored all day today, even with a fairly long nap. I guess I didn't neglect anything important, really, but it seems like such a waste to just hang around the house. That old familiar feeling of "Everybody's out doing something important or interesting, 'cept me." Oh, well. I didn't spend a bunch of money, which is always a good thing.

Just wish we had some Klondike bars in the house. L

9/7:

9:15pm – really have to get to bed; I only got about 4 hours' sleep last night and can't count on enthusiasm alone getting me through the work day.

Talked to my cousin Margaret (it's her birthday, as well as that of [her brother Ed, who died in early August]. She didn't know Ed had a Facebook page, and I have a hunch she didn't know about his gay advocacy. She sounded a little sad & lost.

9/10:Important insight re: Mom & Dad

They did not prepare me for adult life. Their focus was:

1. Wow, we finally managed to have a kid

2. Isn't our kid the most wonderful in the universe

3. Dealing with day-to-day

Although they both talked about the importance of "planning for the future," neither of them did ANY planning, other than buying one mutual fund (which tanked).

So it shouldn't be any shock that I did roughly the same thing, having a child but not looking ahead to staying married to provide a stable home for him, or trying to put money aside for college. And Carl most emphatically grew up that way -- living day to day.

So, I guess the best thing I can do for Wally is to talk to him about this. Chances are, he never got the message. Or if he did get it (from Doug), he was probably distracted by all the other messages he was getting from everywhere else.

9/11:

Wow, a rough day. Not a bad day, just physically taxing. I helped out at the yard sale/fish fry. Hot weather. We were simultaneously dreading rain and hoping for it, just to cool things off. But the wind was high, as it almost always seems to be at these events. I got put to work making sandwiches alongside Dorothy N, who is YES, BOTH a nice lady and a royal pain in the patooties.

Part of the experience was sitting with the other (younger) Dorothy and listening to all the ignorance that can come out of people's mouths. In the same conversation I had to endure the "truth" of the Nostradamus prophecies about 9/11 and statements like "…and these kids who supposedly have ADT [she meant ADD] – in my day, you could just smack it out of them!" Gack.

Carl was my rescuer when he came home from work and I used domestic duties as an excuse to get the heck out of there, finally. Went straight home, took a quick shower and fell into bed all wet for about 2 hours. Stayed up and watched a show about animal hoarding and then Mr. Holland's Opus. Went to bed at midnight.

Shirley from next door came to the house and gave me a bagful of ice cream: sugar-free Klondike sandwiches and 2 pints of Ben & Jerry's. One flavor I hadn't heard of, but it sure sounded good: "Mission to Marzipan!"

Talked to my BFF; I need to call her back and wish her a happy birthday. A couple of Facebook friends also have birthdays today, and most important, it would have been Mom's 90th.

9/13: Finally got around to refilling some important prescriptions, only to learn that my primary-care physician is mysteriously out of town for the foreseeable future and that I now have to find another. This is a damn shame because I've liked him a great deal. I did some checking online and discovered that (according to the gossip chain) he has a history of substance abuse and rehab, so I can't help but wonder.

9/15:

It occurred to me today that much of the messages from my childhood involved the "when she was good, she was very, very good but when she was bad, she was horrid" syndrome. Meaning, that when people praised me as a child, it was ridiculously over the top. My mother: "You're the most important thing on the face of the earth. If you died, I would die!"

But when people criticized me, it was often in a very mean-spirited way:

Again, my mother! "You'll never make it. You're just like your father. You'll never amount to anything."

I wanted, so much, just to feel average and ordinary. I spent so much time feeling like either the Messiah or the devil. I grew up feeling like "the center of the universe," to coin a cliché. Sure, I had an outsized ego and a greatly exaggerated sense of my own importance. But many times, other people contributed to that. And I really never learned how to cope with it.

9/16:

Forgot my cell phone, but it was OK.

Fortunate that the new doctor could see me today. She's about my age, no-nonsense and smart, so she'll do. She is, however, nagging me to get a mammogram and ultrasound. When I explained that those procedures are not only excruciatingly painful but also often yield very vague results that leave me feeling like I've wasted my time, she said an MRI might be a possibility if the insurance company would approve it. But she also threw out that annoying and tired cliche, "Put on your big-girl panties and do it." She explained that she herself is a breast cancer survivor, so naturally it's a personal issue for her. But she doesn't understand: It takes something very extreme to move me to tears, and the pain and degradation of my treatment at the hands of insensitive mammographers and doctors is one of those. Invariably, they tell me I have dense breast tissue and that mammograms and ultrasounds won't show anything other than the myriad cysts I've always had, and that trying to get rid of those will leave me feeling like a pincushion. I gave up the whole process several years ago. My mom had breast cancer at age 63 and underwent a mastectomy. Still, she survived another 7 years with no sign of recurrence, only to pass away from heart disease. So the whole breast-cancer issue is something I just don't stress over. I've already got enough health issues to increase my mortality odds, and with a 72-mile daily round trip commute on the interstate, I could just as easily cast off my mortal coil by having a semi plow into me. Too many women just refuse to accept that I just don't care all that much.

Lunch was a pre-made sandwich that I got at Walmart yesterday. It was absolutely awful. Never again. Bleah.

Tired. Bed.

9/17: Started out the day at work thinking I was gonna jump out of my skin…but it passed. Second day in a row I've left something at home. This time it was my glasses, but I wore my prescription shades, and other than feeling like Ray Charles, it was fine.

9/18:

Didn't go anywhere or do much at all today, other than the most basic chores. Mostly stayed on the computer. Did get my quartet of very cheap books, including a well-known tome on ADD called Driven to Distraction. It's been a good read so far – psychiatric case histories of patients' school years and mental processes in adulthood. Sounds JUST like me. Hallelujah – I'm not a freak. And how sad that I need to affirm that still, at almost age 52. L

Carl opted to discontinue the unlimited long distance we have on our landline phone and just use my cellphone for that purpose. Fine by me -- I'd ditch the landline altogether if Carl weren't so fond of it and so negative on cellphones. He won't even GET a cellphone for himself. Not even one of the ones designed for seniors, with few functions and BIG numbers :-) My only concern is that, while he's home, I've got the cellphone at work, and if he forgets and picks up the landline to call his sister, for example, we'll suffer for the lapse when the bill hits. He says he won't forget. We'll see.

9/19:

Discovered a strategy to make running errands a little less stressful due to my ADHD.I not only list each destination and planned activity, but also everything that I'll have to take with me.Then I "stage" all the objects, bigger ones on the floor, smaller ones on the countertop, and check off items as I bring them out of the house.That way I won't go haring off somewhere, only to discover I'm missing something important upon arrival.Then, of course, checking the venues off once I've finished at one place helps too, as does grouping items together so I can be more efficient.

9/22:

Made a breakthrough at work – figured out why I have such confused trouble every time TSQ emails me that an invoice needs to be posted. It's because she says "Can you get this posted for us?" which sounds (to me and a couple of other people I asked) like she's saying "Please post this or find someone who will." Thing is, NOBODY in our office posts invoices. The parts guys post parts TO invoices; I post mechanics' hours to payroll, but we DON'T post invoices! Carlotta does that, and what Carey is really saying is that I need to send Carlotta a copy of the invoice and put it on the spreadsheet so SHE can post it. "Get this posted" sounds like "Post it," when she'd be a lot more clear if she said "Please find the invoice and send it to Carlotta so she can post it." Duhhhh!

9/26:

Pretty mellow Sunday. Served as Greeter at church; spent the service hour out in the fellowship area and did some kitchen work so Eric and Heidi wouldn't have to bust their humps. Took a nap. Got most of my to-do list out of the way, but now have to start a new one.

Carl is set to meet the boss at Most Desired Co. tomorrow. He discovered that there's a bus that goes past it. No matter how much money he makes there, it has to be more than what he's pulling down at Been There, Done That, Inc.

Thinking about a trip to NY before Christmas - there's an event I've been invited to. Not sure. So much to plan:

Fly up or drive? Driving is preferred, but don't relish the idea of getting stranded in foul weather in a Chevy Cobalt.

If I fly, will I have to rent a car or can I plan my movements around public trans or prevail on someone to hitch a ride with?

Where will I stay?

Who will I see?

I used to do things like this all the time, but in the past few years, the more details that have to be worked out, the harder it is to get it together in my head. Of course, finances are an issue too.

My Liberal Identity:

You are a Reality-Based Intellectualist, also known as the liberal elite. You are a proud member of what’s known as the reality-based community, where science, reason, and non-Jesus-based thought reign supreme.

A Brief Note

I include a neurodiversity category here because throughout my first 4 grades of school I was frequently referred to the school psychologist and, for lack of a better way to put it, treated like a freak. I had a lot of trouble paying attention and my social skills were sorely lacking. The situation got better but didn't completely clear up during adulthood. I frequently felt that "something was wrong" with me. My parents were alcoholics, and the typical secrecy about family life was also a factor.
Once I got comfortable on the Internet, I began researching on my own, first ruling out autism/ Asperger's (though that took a few years), then Fragile X (which I have never been tested for -- women show far fewer signs and I do have several of the physical markers), and finally concluded that most of my troubles had to do with attention deficit/ hyperactivity disorder. That's where I am right now. But the most important thing I've discovered is that genuine freaks are extremely rare and possibly non-existent. We all have "something wrong" with us, and the best thing we can do is adapt -- to ourselves as well as to others. That is why I include these blogs in my list.