The worst of this week’s singles: Florida-Georgia Line, Sean Paul, Mumford and more!

Published on August 21st, 2013 | Jonny Abrams

The worst of this week’s singles, these are.

Construct a giant boomerang to attempt to propel yourself into outer space in order to avoid them, you might.

DJ Fresh vs Diplo feat. Dominique Young Unique – “Earthquake”

“Afternoon, my good man. Do you happen to have in stock ‘Earthquake’, the new single by DJ Fresh vs Diplo featuring Dominique Young Unique?”

“DJ…wuh?”

“I said ‘Earthquake’, the new single by DJ Fresh vs Diplo featuring Dominique Young Unique. Do you have it?”

“This isn’t an HMV any more. We just sell flowers now. Would you like some flowers?”

“No thank you. I’d much rather ‘Earthquake’, the new single by DJ Fresh vs Diplo featuring Dominique Young Unique. Do you happen to know where I might be able to find it?”

“I dunno. Some grotty club maybe?”

“To the club!”

Rocksucker says: Two Quails out of Five!

Travis – “Moving”

Ironic title for a song that could conceivably land you in a coma.

Sorry Travis, you seem like a nice bunch and all, but Snow Patrol took your seat while you were away.

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

Matt Cardle, Melanie C – “Loving You”

Not a Minnie Ripperton cover. That would have been better.

Mel C is virtually unrecognisable here, as in she could walk past us in the street and we wouldn’t know who she was unless she was wearing a T-shirt bearing the slogan “I was in The Spice Girls and I could actually sort of sing properly”.

This has got a bit more spirit about it than your average crap-pop, although we defy you not to laugh and/or recoil in horror at Cardle’s falsetto on the 2.34 mark.

Disturbing.

Rocksucker says: One and a Half Quails out of Five!

Naughty Boy feat. Emeli Sandé – “Lifted”

This is a whole heap of fun!

Alas, the fun is limited exclusively to playing Spot the Cliché.

Why not play along at home?

Rocksucker says: One Quail out of Five!

Lady Gaga – “Applause”

We have it on good authority that Lady Gaga is actually dead talented, really, she can play the piano and everything.

If that’s the case then it makes it even more of a shame that she sees fit to waste everyone’s time with trashy, identikit disco-pop like this.

This could have fit snugly onto Madonna’s MDNA album of last year. That’s far from being a compliment.

“Yeah, but you don’t understand: she’s actually, like, satirising her own celebrity, you know.”

Good for her. Let’s have it with a half-decent tune next time.

Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!

Mumford & Sons – “Hopeless Wanderer”

Guess what we think of this one.

Go on, guess.

Fair play for trying out ‘funny’ with the video – it kind of succeeds, especially for one very notable moment indeed – but their musical formula still stinks.

And don’t let the fact that this one changes pace a few times disguise the fact that they’ve still only got one chord progression, and it’s as wet as a particularly soaking otter’s particularly drenched pocket.

Impressively, though, this week has vomited up a number of even worse singles.

Rocksucker says: Half a Quail out of Five!

Sean Paul – “Other Side of Love”

Ever wandered what ‘douchebag’ sounds like in its purest, most elemental form? Sean Paul did, and after years spent honing his craft…well, by Jove, he’s done it.

“You tell me you hate me and I hate you more” – glad we understand each other, Sean. The only saving grace of “Other Side of Love” is how utterly piss-weak and forgettable it is, and as such unlikely to get stuck in your head.

But if you like this, even remotely, then frankly we’ve got beef.

Rocksucker says: No Quails out of Five!

Fall Out Boy – “Alone Together”

Sounds like an emo Maroon 5.

Sound good to you? Why then, step this way! Right here, onto this incongruous pile of leaves.

Yes, the one with the mechanical grinding sound seeping out from underneath it. That would be just dandy. Ta.

Wait, what are you doing with tha…NO! PUT DOWN THAT QUAIL! PUT IT DOWN, I SAY!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

WWWWHHHYYYYYYYY??????

Damn you, Fall Out Boy!

Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!

Tich – “Obsession”

Rebecca Black gets first period.

Rocksucker says: Have a Dead Quail!

Florida-Georgia Line feat. Nelly – “Cruise”

Do people actually take these appalling hanks in any way seriously?

This combines the very worst of everything: Autotune, boner-wielding lyrics, the faint whiff of line dance, the same chord progression they use in every rubbish song these days, Nelly… It really has it all.

We can scarcely muster the words to describe just how horrifying this is. In a year that’s seen its fair share of abject singles, this might very well take the idiot cake.