life after sibling loss

I’ve been really feeling my sister the past few days.

Kai Wingo.

That’s my big sister! She passed almost three years ago and that feeling is still there. Its hard to describe for me, it’s numbing and kind of paralyzing at times. Time is just kinda standing still at times. I’m not sure what it’s supposed to feel like but it’s still there.

My sister passed when I was three months pregnant with a nine month old. So grief wasn’t really an option at the time. I had my moments of endless crying, anger and sadness but my children gave me some solace, a distraction if you could put it into words. I needed to have something else to think about.

Your siblings are the only individuals on this earth that come the closest to knowing the real you, even your parents never really do. They are you first friends, first enemies, partners in crime, your confidants, therapists, mentors, that dope ass fun place to just be.

Home.

You never expect them to pass. You’re supposed to grow old together and out live your parents. Grow old and raise your kids together. Grow old and take take trips together. Just grow old. When one dies it’s like a connection to history is gone.

This constant is gone.

My little brother describes it best…I’m happy and sad.

Three years later I’ve accepted it but it doesn’t go away. It has put so much fear and anxiety in my life and my mortality is now my constant. I’m kind of in a rush to do everything in case my time is soon too.

My biggest fear is I’ll begin to forget something about her…..the way she cries when she laughed. Her laugh. Her big mane of an Afro. The flowers she wore in her hair. Her aloofness. Her will. Her unapologetic love for life and how to make the world better.

Sibling death changes the dynamic of your family. Her kids aren’t the same. My Dad isn’t the same. Her mom isn’t the same. Our relationships aren’t the same. There is always the elephant in the room. I’m always holding my breath it seems when we speak looking for anything else to talk about or wondering should I bring it up. It’s a connection that’s turned check ins to see if everything’s okay to wondering if you’re still missing her as much as I do.

I prayed, I cried, I prayed, I cried. I’m crying as I type this actually but I’ve accepted it. I talked to someone, a person I never thought, I kind of stumbled upon. But I still needed more.

Some tips I used.

– Professional and friendly help. Talk to someone, it helps tremendously to process.

– Visit, get up and go to a sibling loss group. It was strange as an adult but it put grief into perspective and helped to understand the phases of grief.

– Talk to your parents if they’re able to. Often. Remind them you’re still here and you want to reconnect in a different way.

-Talk to your other siblings if you have any. They understand more than anyone.

But if you’ve experienced sibling loss talk about that sibling just like they are still there. Bring up the good times and the bad. Feel their presence in the room. And delight in the memories.

She’s supposed to be here. Laughing and crying for joy of the things happening right now. She is.