The Try Hard

Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated ~ Confucius

I have a “friend” who met a guy on a girls weekend away. They instantly hit it off. The conversation was witty, intelligent, flirty. The sparks were literally jumping off of them, as they couldn’t take their eyes off each other. They sparked all over the place, common interests, lived in the same town, both single. The wine flowed, as did the conversation. The evening turned into night and the night faded into dawn. They parted with a sweet kiss and an exchange of phone numbers. Later that day, after sleeping in and buckets of coffee, my “friend” and the other girls were in the car back home and she said, “I really hope he texts me.”

Of course he will!

You guys clearly hit it off

He’d be insane not to

The next day, checking in with my “friend”, it was discovered that he had not texted her. But she had texted him, four times, with no response. So in case it’s not entirely obvious, it wasn’t my friend, it was me. This happened to me, several years ago and on more than one occasion. I tried so hard. I felt like I needed to convince or demonstrate how amazing I was. I’m sure in that trying I chased people away by being too needy, overwhelming or turning into a scary Klingon.

I’ve seen it happen with my friends too. Although I won’t tell their stories, the stories are very similar to mine and result in them chasing after a guy. Fighting the urge to tell them to go and re-watch the movie, He’s Just Not That Into You, I generally say, “perhaps it’s time to move on? Someone will appreciate your quirk and your time and your attention.”

It really is that simple. If someone is interested, he will make the time. He will text, call, email, ask to see you, take you for coffee, whatever it is, it will happen. Because he wants it to happen. Why then do we waste our time chasing someone who is clearly not that into us? It’s that simple. We have no reason to complicate it.

The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them. The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them ~ Mark Manson

As Mark Manson so eloquently points out, why would we even want to be with someone who’s not a Fuck Yes about us? Why would we feel like we need to convince someone to see how amazing and wonderful we are? Why do we need to make it so complicated, when it’s very simple. Stop trying so hard.

I have spent so much time trying. Trying to control chaos, control outcomes, to figure it all out. Yet the best times, outcomes and moments have arisen from just letting go and keeping it simple. Allowing the situation to unfold as it’s meant to. That doesn’t mean not making my intentions clear or asking for what I want. It means doing exactly that. Being clear, being open and not trying. Just being. Simple.

And this is the reason that trying to be happy inevitably will make you unhappy. Because to try to be happy implies that you are not already inhabiting your ideal self, you are not aligned with the qualities of who you wish to be. After all, if you were acting out your ideal self, then you wouldn’t feel the need to try to be happy ~ Mark Manson

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Published by Naturally Calamity Jane

Retired (injured) Runner * MotorGal* Writer * Nurse *
Just a girl in the city who's determined to show up for herself and make the best damn life she can. I have fallen down, stood tall, felt joy and grief and the overwhelming humanness of this experience. Oh and I still believe in love.
View all posts by Naturally Calamity Jane

I love every single quote you wrote there. You’re really good at this game! 👏👏👏

I knew you would be. 😏

I don’t have to tell you how right you are; you said it all so perfectly. This one I might share as the day goes by. I love the message, the honesty, the clarity and, as I said, the choice of quotes. Superb!

I want to focus for a second, if I can be indulgent, on that the “fuck yeah!” quote. Manson is, obviously, brilliant. To me, he is one of the great modern (extremely modern, with his refreshingly profane lexicon) philosophers. I always walk away from reading anything he’s said nodding so much my neck hurts.

This is the first time I’ve seen the Law of Fuck Yes or No and it struck me. Again I find myself wondering if (a) I’ve been “fuck yes” enough with the people I should be, or (b) “fuck no” enough with others. Am I allowing too many of the wrong ones in and keeping too many of the right ones out?

And here’s the bigger question: does it apply to relationships already in place? I find myself trying to hold on to people (some of them family) that no longer belong in the FY category and almost certainly belong in the FN category, now. Do they remain grandfathered in? When the events that have us at odds pass, that push some of them into FN (hint:MAGA), will things return to normal? Should I wait or simply reconcile later? In any event, I find that Tom cannot be Tom around them, and isn’t that the ultimate litmus test?

At any rate, excellent entry, and thank you for continuing to take the challenge, and for challenging me in return with your words!

Ah yes! The Law of Fuck Yes has been very liberating and can be applied to every single aspect of life. And it has to be a mutual Fuck Yes! I do believe that relationships change and shift and I don’t believe in being grandfathered in at all. All of my relationships need to be bringing something to my life, something mutually enjoyable. Granted that all relationships, and all of us as individuals, go through tough times and then the relationship balance is ‘off’. However, that is generally temporary and that’s when you need your friends and family. BUT fundamental differences in those “non-negotiables” can lead to a Fuck Yes moving to a Fuck No. I’ve had a close friendship break up and recently we have got back together and we are both Fuck Yes again. So it is possible.

My personal approach is to remove toxic people from my life. I’d rather have a smaller circle of those I can relate to and share my non-negotiables.

Thank you again for sharing…and for pushing me 🙂 And yes! Tom should always be Tom, if you can’t be Tom, then is it worth it?

Yes!!! Someone asked me how I dealt with criticism on my blog…the blank stare gave me away. This is a place of support and encouragement and cheering each other on…Each one of us takes that out to the world at large perhaps it’ll catch on one day 😊