Do I help a damsel in distress, or, do I help a man avoid the spider web that is euphemistically called “marriage?

Let’s see……

Dear Dr. Matlock:

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 6 months. We get along fine, but I can’t get him to commit to a deeper relationship. I want to get married, but he’s says he’s happy the way things are now. My mother and my girlfriends all give me advice, and I’m confused. Help!

Single and Sad,

Scott, LA

Dear Single,

Part of your problem lies in the fact that you are getting your information about men from women. Most women have no idea what makes men tick, because what they know about men came from other women. You’ve finally come to the right place for understanding the male species, because it takes a man to understand a man, I don’t care what your girlfriends say. Ready for a good dose of reality? Okay, here goes….

As far as men are concerned, there are two types of women. 1—Women You Play With, and 2—Women You Stay With.

You are in one of these two categories, get it?

Don’t fool yourself!

As far as he’s concerned, you are either a Sleeper……….or a Keeper. Let me give you a description of Women You Play With, and Women You Stay With, then you can decide which one you are in his life. The nice thing about it is, you decide which category you will choose to remain in!

Just understand, in order to change category, you might have to change men.

Women You Play With, (aka “babes”, “tricks”, “hoes”, plus any number of less complimentary names), are like pool sticks or baseball bats. They’re designed for fun and games, depending on their quality. Since they are designed for fun and games, the best place to meet them are in local playgrounds (night clubs). The idea is, when you want to play baseball, you pick up a glove and bat, because, that’s what they’re designed for. Tennis? Pick up a racquet. Billiards? Pick up a pool stick. Want to play good time date and hot sex? Pick up a good time girl. Get it?

Then, when you’re finished, you put them down, or up, depending on how attached you are to them. If they’re for your own personal use, you put them up in their case for safekeeping. If not, you put them in the rack on the wall for the next man to use.

Same thing with Good Time Girl. If she’s of low quality, put her in your cell, and call her when you feel like playing again.

If she’s of high quality, give her a space in your life, and call her your girlfriend. Now, she’s available for fun 24/7.

But what about marriage, you ask? The answer is simple: What the heck for?

You don’t marry a Play Girl, you play with her. That is her function, nothing more, nothing less. Guys don’t marry their tennis racquets, do they? Geez! Stop asking silly questions!

Women You Stay With (aka “Keepers“) are a totally different breed of cat. Because they demand dignity and respect, they get it. Because they don’t tolerate being taken for granted, a good man won’t do that. Because a Keeper loves herself, and has a plan for her life, and a schedule to get there, (did you get that?), a good man will make whatever adjustments he needs to get and keep this woman in his life. He nails her down with a firm commitment, and works quickly to incorporate her in his life.

“Aint no mountain high enough, aint no valley low enough, aint no river wide enough, to keep me from youuuuuu…….”

That’s the mindset of a man who’s made a decision about his woman.

I need to backtrack a bit. You see, you’re the product of your female upbringing. When you were a girl, you were brought up playing a whole different set of games than little boys played. You played dolls, and house, and Barbie and tea parties, etc, etc. Your games were the cooperative, let’s-play-together type games.

Well, it’s simple, actually. You are in his life to the extent he sees you as either One To Play With, or One To Stay With.

A Keeper or a Sleeper. Which are you? Here’s how you know:

Keepers are treated differently from Sleepers, because the rules are different.

Sleepers are called when an itch needs to be scratched.

Keepers are called in and considered when a life decision needs to be made.

Sleepers are not called on during their time of the month. Who needs cramps and mood swings?

Keepers are kept close, no matter what day of the month, because he doesn’t want any other man to have access to the Keeper.

So what does he consider you to be?

Remember, men play by rules, and Rule # 1 is: Menidentify what is theirs.

What does he refer to you as? When he introduces you to people who are important to him, what does he say you are?

Don’t get all girly here. Don’t try to examine and parse every syllable for a clue to what’s in his head. You don’t need a clue!

What he thinks about you will come directly out of his mouth!

If you’re “a friend of mine” or ‘my ‘ol girl”, then you’d better take a serious look at what you are to him, ‘cause he aint all that into you. When a man is casual about how he refers to you, you’re a Play Girl.

You said he’s satisfied with the way things are now? If you’re happy being his #1 Play Girl, fine. Don’t do anything different. Enjoy the dinner and dancing, and the sex. Just know that if/when he runs into a Woman You Stay With, you get kicked to the curb. Slowly, perhaps, but for kissing some concrete, smooch-smooch, Baby, smooch-smooch!

Don’t get mad, it’s what you settled for.

Don’t hate the player, hate the game. You’re a nice little pool stick, hang on the rack awhile, another man will pick you up.

Hopefully.

If you’re not happy, now is the time to make your move out of Playhood into Stayhood. The key word is “”availability.”

Playgirls are always available.

Always.

When you give off that “I’ll always be here for you” vibe, guess what? That’s the rule he’ll play by.

StayGirls operate their lives on a schedule, and they aint hanging around waiting on a man to call them. You have to let him know what you want, and your timeframe for getting it, and, if he’s not on board with that, this train’s pulling out of the station. Choo-choo, baby, chooooo-chooooo!

The second thing you do to get out of Playland:

Close your legs.

Somebody wrote an excellent book on relationships called If You Want Closure, Start With Your Legs.

Good book. Read it!

As long as he’s getting sex anytime he wants it, you’re playing by his rules.

If you make yourself available to him 24/7, why in the world does he have to marry you?

Here’s a concept: Become unavailable. Close your legs. Turn off the tap.

What that does is flush him out, as far as his intentions are concerned. If he loves you, and wants to transfer you to Stayville, (good news! you can be transferred! Yaaaaaaaay! But, work quick. The clock is ticking!), he’ll do whatever it takes to get you there. If he just wants to play, he’ll say whatever he thinks you want to hear to keep you playing, but his behavior will stay the same. Don’t pay attention to what he says, pay attention to what he does. Remember, a man who is committed to a woman will not let the grass grow under his feet, because a Keeper is too much in demand to stay on the market any length of time.

I, Matlock 61, HNIC, Grand Poo-Bah of All Things Virile, make it a habit to frequent other blogs, in an attempt to mine their wit/wisdom, and, more importantly, to see what is on White People’s collective minds.

Ms. Alison Green runs it with an supple leather fist. She’s straightforward, and I lean a lot by reading her stuff.

One of her peeps, poor thing, expressed a desire to meet The One. Or, something like that.

It really touched me, right here (motions to NW quadrant of chest), and I realized that there are scores of females who are looking for The One.

So……

I, Matlock 61, Grand Pooh Bah of all Things Virile and Testosterone-Soaked, will perform a Public Service!

I will reveal the secret to Getting a Man To Fall Head-Over-Heels In Luv With You!

Yes, YOU! You can be loved, “til Death Do You Part” (Or Legally Separate)

But, I hear you say plaintively, “How, Dr. M???”

Step One: Get the plaintive out of your voice! Desperation to a man is like insect repellent; it runs us off!

Act like you got 100 mo’fo’s line up, just drooling for a chance @ your phone number!

Step 2–Dress like you got some dignity, please! We do not want to see your breasts on a first date!

Remember, for a man, there are two kinds of women: women you play with, and women you stay with!

Put that short skirt on, and that titty-huggin’ top on, and it instantly transforms you into a Woman to be Played With. Like a tennis raquet, or a golf club, to be used and enjoyed, and put up for safekeeping, for the next time for fun and games.

No Future There!

Dress with dignity and class, and you transform yourself into a Woman to Stay with. The kind that gets introduced to Momma.

Trick 3: Insist on first-class treatment. Expect doors to be opened, expect dinner to be paid for. He must be made to pay for the pleasure of your company, not the other way around. He’s not the prize, you are.

Keep your drawers on, and your feet on the floor. Make him commit, and limit your conversations about sex.

Flies in the face of conventional wisdom, don’t it?

What you must understand is that men are hunters. They are after game. The harder it is ti obtain a prize, the more valuable it is.

Salami is common–you can go to the gas station and purchase some. Diamonds, however, have to be purchased at select stores. Piggly-Wiggly don’t sell diamonds, do they? So, don’t be available and common–be difficult to find and pursue.

And, finally, if you want a c-a-r-a-t, you better know what to do with a c-a-r-r-o-t! And a p-o-t-a-t-o! And a s-t-e-a-k!

So, of course, the next day, Dave’s wife was full to bursting about this significant and juicy bit of news, and couldn’t wait to jump on the telephone and talk about her husband’s lachrymal response to “My Boyfriend Is Stalking My Babysitter.” By noon, all of the wives in our circle had been notified, and therefore, bound by Federal law to discuss it in person.

“It must be nice to have a man who doesn’t mind cooking at a moment’s notice,” my wife piped up. I gave her a look. That was gonna cost her next week, for sure.

Dave’s wife, Millicent, was beaming. “Yes, Dave is such a help. But what I love about him is the way he supports me emotionally.”

“Oh?” said Tim, a cross-country truck driver. “How so, Millicent?” He stuck his pinky finger out as he sipped his beer.

In case you didn’t know it, “Oh?” is like a trigger on a machine gun, as far as female conversation goes. When you pull it, be prepared for the outburst that’s sure to follow. Millicent was filled to the rim with information, feelings, and emotions about poor Dave’s recent behavior, and she had a ready audience waiting to hear all the intimate details.

Not the women, you ninny, the men!

It’s so easy to embarrass your husband, ladies. Just expose his secret to other men, and you will have created a red-faced man, filled with shame, who will be very reluctant to reveal anything to you, ever again, I promise you.

“He wept, and I shared my Kleenex with him,” Millicent was working on her third minute, telling us about Dave’s moist little moment. He tried to look proud, but he wasn’t fooling me none. It’s hard to sit there and be manly when your wife is telling other men how you sobbed during a chick flick…

Ha!

“My goodness, that is so beautiful,” my wife said, her eyes getting misty. Then she frowned. “I can’t get this man here,” she said, jerking her thumb in my direction, “to sit and watch Lifetime with me. As soon as he sees that logo, he pulls out his laptop and buries his head in it.”

“That’s right,” I said, folding my arms in the default I Am A Man position. “I pulls my laptop out, until I can pull out something else.”

“And bury your head in something else,” chirped up Tim, the local Wal-Mart manager.

“There ya go,” I replied, leaning over to slap his hand.

“Humph,” my wife said, in a no-love-for-you-tonight tone.

That was okay. Sometimes you have to take a hit for the team. Besides, that last little crack of hers had re-established my manhood to the rest of the group, no small feat in itself. For the rest of the meal, I was Da Man!

When we got home, of course, my wife tried to get on me for it. “What was that all about?” she asked.

The Pick-and-Roll is designed to make you pick something you feel guilty about, then roll with that, hence the name. The inherent trap in it is, if you pick the thing she actually was talking about, her response will be, “See? You knew what I was talking about, you were just playing crazy!” (Which, of course, is true, but that’s not the point.), and from that moment on, you’re on the defensive, a losing position 99.3% of the time.

Or…

If you pick another topic, all you’ve done is give her another point of attack:

“No, you know that aint what I was talking about, you tryin’ to play crazy, but, since you brought that up, yada yada yada…”

And there you go. The little housefly is trapped in a verbal web, helpless.

So what did I do?

Maintain #16: Total Ignorance:

“Well, I wish you’d tell me what’s in your mind, so we can discuss it.”

See how that works? It’s the only response to the Pick-and-Roll, make her bring it up, so you can play defense….

Huh?

No, Rookie, I didn’t say be on the defensive, I said play defense!

Sigh…

You haven’t read Matlock’s Guide, have you?

No wonder you’re confused.

Read Chapter 3, A Good Defense Is A Great Offense, and learn the subtleties of verbal byplay with your wife. In a nutshell, being defensive gives her conversational control, being on defense gives you control!

Let me finish this part. I had used 3 key words, “tell me”, and “discuss.” Irresistible to the female ear, these words invite Ms. Estrogen to to do the thing she has been constructed to do: talk.

Note: You do know that the word “discuss” does not mean that you will be invited to actually participate in the conversation, don’t you? Your job will be to:

A–come to the sudden realization that she’s right, and

B–agree with her.

Just so you know.

“I’m talking about,” she answered, rolling her eyes, “that whole ‘until I can pull out something else’ crack you made, in front of people, too! Why you want to say some schit like that? Huh? Why? How you think that made me feel? How you think yada yada yada, blah blah blah…”

An interruption was necessary here, because if I didn’t, I would be the recipient of a woman’s most powerful weapon, Everything You Have Done Wrong For The Past Quarter Century.

Powerful and deadly, E.Y.H.D.W. is the kill shot used by women most often, and requires a quick reaction/counterstrike.

I stopped, and held her hand. “I wanted them all to know,” I said, looking deeply in her eyes, “how much I enjoy our love life. I may have not used the right words, but the feelings were there. If I embarrassed you by telling our friends how I feel, I’m sorry.”