Sunday, November 16, 2014

I was taken home from the hospital and brought directly to The Suburbs, and
there I have remained for pretty much my entire life, yet there are numerous
mysteries about this way of life that I just can’t wrap my head around.

I’ll be
the first to confess: I can be basic. I love Starbucks’s overpriced lattes,
and when there’s the first sign of chill in the air, I go running for a Pumpkin
Spice flavored one. But I also suspect I don’t truly belong since I don’t really
understand the point of having a lawn, for example. It’s an awful lot of
trouble and money and time to grow something you can’t even eat.

So along
with an unhealthy Home Depot obsession, here are the things I just don’t get:

Tree
spotlights.

Walk down
any suburban sidewalk after dusk and you’ll see this phenomenon for yourself:
suburban folks love to put little spotlights right at the base of what I assume
are their favorite trees.

Is the intended message: “Look, I grew a tree!” ?

This tree must feel like a superstar.

Cutesy
“signs.”

Spotted
on a walk the other day: “Forget the Dog: Beware of the Kids.”

You’ve
seen this: lawns “decorated” with a whole slew of statuary, usually a bizarre
assortment: baby squirrels, cartoon rabbits, whimsical gnomes, serene Buddhas.
They are often arranged in a little circle as though having a perpetual
cocktail party. The best is when the figures were once brightly painted but
have chipped and faded in the elements and are now just plain scary.

Add a
cheerful sign: “Welcome to our Home!” and the picture is complete.