Tuesday, April 26, 2011

An ancient garden of perfection, dwelling place of the Proteps. For years the Earth had coveted this lush Eden far beyond their reach in the stellar vastness. But now the Terran starcruisers could make the eleven-light-years' journey within a mortal lifetime… and now the superior Proteps coldly prepare to annihilate the Earth - before the invaders can approach the legendary planet…

It is up to one man - Earth's bionic-powered Jared Hiller - to stave off the horror of interplanetary war. Alone, he dares to storm the gates of paradise, to discover the ancient and terrible secrets of an immortal race… and to win a beautiful and intriguing woman whose love could change the destiny of two mighty worlds...

Sunday, April 17, 2011

I saw the sequel to The Exterminator before I even knew that a first installment existed; I assumed one did, because the sequel is called Exterminator 2, but I had no definitive proof. So after having my mind blown by Exterminator 2 I sought out the movie that started it all, and wasn't too disappointed in what I found really. The Exterminator is a much more somber, dramatic affair than the sequel, or at least it's intended to be; there isn't a single breakdance scene in the entire movie (although one would have been much appreciated). As far as pure entertainment goes, I'd give my vote to Exterminator 2, but this one holds it's own quite admirably among it's grindhouse brethren.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

I forced my Mother to rent Little Marines an obscene number of times from Video Depot, our video store of choice when I was a kid. I loved it. Watching it now though I have no idea what about the movie appealed to me when I was a kid. It's low budget keeps it from ever becoming the sort of action spectacle that the filmmakers probably wanted it to be. You could never mistake it for something like The Goonies, another of my childhood favorites. The most exciting action set piece is a chase scene between bikes (three BMX and one dirt bike that's only going as fast as a BMX to maintain the illusion that there is a believable chase going on) all set on an unattractive mound of dirt in the woods. And the characters talk way too much about their feelings to keep the average kid entertained. What I was drawn to as a child in this movie is beyond my adult comprehension, but the cynical grown up in me loved every second of this bizarre, southern-fried piece of cinematic gold.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Five very special people whose parentage made outcasts of them all - even before they had been given any opportunity to prove or disprove their worth to society. Indeed, had they been discovered at birth, they would very likely have been killed.

So they started by owing humanity nothing.

Nothing except the bitter hatred and resentment of any outcast in any time.

But with a difference.

For these were starbred. These combined, if not the best, then certainly the strongest attributes of man and Centuarian. These five were infinitely superior to man - and they hated as superior beings might. Not with a desire to destroy, but with the need to control - absolutely.

Friday, April 1, 2011

We Wish You A Turtle Christmas is an absolutely ridiculous straight-to-video cash grab from 1995. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in this video are somewhat reminiscent of the characters from the live-action movies, except that their mouths barely move when they speak, and their costumes look like they're about to fall apart. I think I saw Michelangelo's jockstrap under his shell during one intense dance sequence. But the music is what's really important, and this is where We Wish You A Turtle Christmas really shines. Just imagine if you will Leonardo draped in Christmas tree lights, with a ridiculous (and totally unexplained) Jamaican accent singing "deck the halls with pepperoni, fa la la la la, la la la la." But you don't have to imagine it, because no matter how hard you try to wish it away, it actually exists. The story involves the Turtles realizing that they forgot to get Splinter a present and racing around the city on Christmas Eve to find one, but nevermind that, just enjoy the rap about wrapping presents. I sure did. I know that it's impossible to un-crush the souls of all the children who watched this video, I just hope that everyone that was involved in We Wish You A Turtle Christmas is sufficiently embarrassed of what they did.