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"Help! My Boyfriend and I Have Only Had Sex Once In the Past Year!"

Sometimes he comes. Sometimes you come. Sometimes you both come. Sometimes he wears a Batman outfit and your purr like a naughty Catwoman. And then sometimes neither of you do anything for a long, long ..long time. This letter came to me from an unfortunate commenter who has had sex with her boyfriend ONCE this year.

Dear Single John, My fiance and I have been together for five and a half years. The problem is...WE NEVER HAVE SEX. Seriously, we've had sex once this year. It was five minutes (I timed it) of mediocrity. This has been ongoing for roughly two years. When we do have sex, it is over and done with before I can even get a quarter of the way there. I've tried suggesting he talk to his doctor. I've begged. I've pleaded. He says he's just tired all the time. I know my body changed after I had our daughter 3.5 years ago, so maybe he just isn't attracted to me anymore? Can you please give me some advice here? He's a great guy and a fantastic father, but I didn't sign up to become a nun! -- Praying For Laying

This being a little out of Single John’s ken, I went to and expert, namely Barry McCarthy, author of Rekindling Desire, Enduring Desire, and other books about sex and marriage. He’s also Professor of Psychology at American University, a certified marital and sex therapist, and recipient of the 2009 Smart Marriages Impact Award.

Dr. McCarthy says:

"This is a much more frequent problem than people know. The most common time a couple stops being sexual is two years into their relationship. In essence, they don't make the transition from the romantic love/passionate sex phase to developing a couple sexual style that works in their ongoing relationship. Contrary to 'pop psych,' it is typically the man's decision, conveyed non-verbally.

My main suggestion is to consult a couples therapist with a sub-specialty in sexuality. However, if you want to try to address this on your own, you need to talk about the role of affectionate touch, sensual touch, playful touch, erotic touch, and intercourse touch in your relationship. When it's 'intercourse or nothing,' nothing usually wins. The prime bridge to sexual desire is non-demand touching."

Talking to a professional, together, sounds like a good idea to me. As does some erotic touching, not just for you, for everyone. Those of us outside of committed relationships forget that sex isn’t an “all or nothing” proposition as well.

Have you ever had a partner become disinterested in sex? What did you do about it?

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