I‘ll be blunt:
You can think about R as much as you want. You can want R as much as you can…

But until and unless she too wants R and you two can find common ground then R doesn’t have a chance in h@ll.
So did you act too quickly? IHMO then no. You have deleted your story so I don’t know much about it, but once discovered and in the open our options as a BS are limited to reconciliation (if conditions are met) and termination of the relationship. It sounds as if your partner gave you a response in refusing to end it with OM so what options did you have? Leave or share her?

I left my fiancé a few weeks before our marriage when I walked in on her and OM. I loved her to pieces and I went through immense pain. She tried to get back to me through my parents and my nearly-future in-laws. But for ME ending the relationship that very moment I walked in on them was the absolute, no questions asked correct response.

edited to clarify.

[This message edited by Bigger at 9:18 AM, July 18th (Friday)]

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5920 | Registered: Sep 2005

somebody♂ 44127Member # 44127

Posted: 9:37 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014

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[This message edited by somebody at 11:12 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jul 2014

norabird♀ 42092Member # 42092

Posted: 9:42 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014

You are right that you can't police her or accept a situation in which you are always distrustful. And she wasn't willing to actually do what you needed to be safe. So, you have to accept that she won't stay in your boundaries and will really hurt you as a result.

I didn't find SI at my first DDay and I desperately wanted to try to R. I just had to give it another shot. I got a false R, a lot of awful deep and terrible lies, a month's worth of insomnia, and a really incredibly hurtful--like, wilfully hurtful--second DDay.

On the one hand, at that point I knew what I was dealing with and that it would have never worked.

But if I had SI I would have seen that it was false R on my own and started healing faster.

Everyone has to walk away at their own pace. But I have seen so many second chances thrown in the face of the BS. Don't offer one unless you have really done the work to detach and she has really stepped up. You can't make this decision based on the pain of missing her and still loving her, because those are blind reactions, and the actual situation often doesn't warrant the hope that you are harboring.

If she stays in IC and is willing to really do the work you can try to R. But be clear about conditions and watch her actions before doing anything. I think it is too soon for you to be offering to try again. Her guilt is no kind of guarantee.

Know that you'll recover from the pain and be okay without her, too.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4315 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC

somebody♂ 44127Member # 44127

Posted: 9:57 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014

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[This message edited by somebody at 11:13 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jul 2014

NeverAgain2013♀ 38121Member # 38121

Posted: 10:51 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014

Somebody, unfortunately it doesn't sound like she's very remorseful at all.

Someone with true remorse would be dedicating her time to trying to make your world right again, not chatting with her f*ckbuddy on Facebook and whining about not being able to spend time with her friends.

What you're doing is EXACTLY right. She'd have to show a hell of a lot more effort than she's currently showing in order to get me to even consider reconciliation, if I were you.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 3998 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA

Schadenfreude♂ 43075Member # 43075

Posted: 11:39 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014

You say you'd have to consider it a new relationship and she'd have to become a new person. Doesn't sound too easy, does it. Yet if those conditions, among others, are not met, R is doomed to fail.

She's too young or immature to,give up her friends which includes OM.

Don't put to much stock in her going to IC. It may not have a thing to do,with your relationship with you. She has other issues based on your brief description.

Danger alert. You seem to be asking g how soon you should attempt R. You've sold yourself on e fact of R without knowing if she has one speck of remorse. Don't do that to yourself.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest

Lalagirl♀ 14576Member # 14576

Posted: 11:46 AM, July 18th (Friday), 2014

she is racked with guilt.

Gently: No, she is racked with regret, not remorse. You closed the bakery. No more cake. I say this because:

She is still talking to the OM though, and probably seeing him (I don't have confirmation of that though). She says there are no feelings for OM. During the period I also suspect she went home with other random men after being out.

That is not guilt, nor is it any effort to accept and cherish a gift of R.

If her friends are not a friend of the marriage and she is choosing them over you, then what is the point?

Since then I have seen she is still talking to him on Facebook

If there is NC, R will not work. There can't be three of you in this marriage unless you consent to this.

R comes down to choices. Commitment. VERY hard work.

Your WW wants to R on her terms. She still gets to hang out with her friends and talk to the OM.

If she truly wants to R then she will be doing anything you need to feel like it is worth staying.

It starts with NC under any circumstances.

Start defining your conditions for R. If she can't or won't meet them then you have your answer.

Continue to 180* and move forward.

Good luck.

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1568 | Registered: Apr 2013

OK now♀ 14459Member # 14459

Posted: 12:00 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014

I think I would move on. She has slept numerous times with the OM and random men. She doesn't seem to have much respect for herself and certainly cannot be trusted. Too immature.

Also if she really wanted to reconcile then she simply would have contacted you, directly or indirectly. Maybe she doesn't want a relationship which reminds her she's a lying cheat. Maybe she wants to start again with someone new. A clean slate where she doesn't have a dirty conscience.

Posts: 2061 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC

Daddo♂ 4504Member # 4504

Posted: 12:12 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014

You don't say if you are married to her or if you have children. Frankly, children are alway hurt by divorce - they change the calculation in favor of R in a big way.

First, no contact with the OM is non-negotiable. How could you ever trust her again if she is still in touch with him? It is not possible - your relationship will be poisoned. She will have to find new friends - but that is a lot easier than finding a new husband.

Second - fixing a relationship after infidelity is possible - but really hard. 5 weeks in is still early in the process. In many cases, your altitude will change,your anger will probably grow and your desire to have her back will fade over time.

I suggest a 6 month to a year period between DDay and the decision to R. That time should be used to heal and to rebuild yourself after this trauma. During this time - and for the rest of your lives, she should make her life completely transparent to you - you get full, unquestioned access to all phones, computers, accounts, credit card bills, phone bills..... this is necessary to restore trust. Trust takes a long time to rebuild. You can't just grant it.

Next, set expectations - your and hers. R is hard - there will be times of anger, disgust, desire, loss, grief, distrust, need..... you may go through phases where you can't stand to touch her. You may trigger at almost anything. This emotional rollercoaster will fade - but for the next 2 years your marriage will most likely suck.

If you both are strong, you can get past this, but it is not easy.

It's just so sad
But I'm moving on feeling better

Posts: 2529 | Registered: May 2004 | From: Cupertino, CA

craig2001♂ 55Member # 55

Posted: 12:14 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014

Anyway, I've been reading a lot on this site, and I wonder if I ended things too quickly. For some reason, I still have some sliver of hope we'll reconcile

You cannot R with her until she fixes her problems. Internal problems that allows her to think it is okay to go out with other guys and to lie.

From your story, I don't know if you're married, I am guessing you are not. You can help her by telling her to stop lying to her therapist and to fix whatever is wrong with her. Childhood problems or alcohol/drugs, whatever.

But if she is just randomly taking guys home with her, it sounds as if she is certainly not ready to settle down and get married.

Posts: 5211 | Registered: Jun 2002

1Faith♀ 38975Member # 38975

Posted: 1:42 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014

Before You Say Reconcile...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1568 | Registered: Apr 2013

somebody♂ 44127Member # 44127

Posted: 8:14 PM, July 18th (Friday), 2014

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[This message edited by somebody at 11:13 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jul 2014

NeverAgain2013♀ 38121Member # 38121

Posted: 7:22 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014

You say that you saw a text from him whining that she hadn't replied to him, so you're pretty sure she's not responding to him although she hasn't blocked him.

Yet, in your first post in this thread you say,"Since then I have seen she is still talking to him on Facebook. I don't doubt they have seen each other in public as well."

I'm confused.

Which is it?

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 3998 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA

somebody♂ 44127Member # 44127

Posted: 7:32 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014

Removed

[This message edited by somebody at 11:14 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jul 2014

Schadenfreude♂ 43075Member # 43075

Posted: 7:37 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014

If you have detached, you won't worry too much about what she is doing.

You should,be thankful you dodged a bullet aimed straight at your heart.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest

somebody♂ 44127Member # 44127

Posted: 7:52 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014

Removed

[This message edited by somebody at 11:14 PM, July 19th (Saturday)]

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jul 2014

Badhurt♂ 41947Member # 41947

Posted: 11:00 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014

Somebody
I see no way you are going to be able to R with her for the following reasons
(1) the OM. Is part of a circle of friends that she refuses to give up . Not only is it impractical for you to have to be there whenever she interacts or goes anywhere with these people, but you will be humiliated and embarrassed because some of these people undoubtedly are aware or suspect this guy has been banging her. And who knows if her other fuck buddies are not also in some way connected to this group. I do have to also question what your girlfriend was doing hanging out regularly with a group of mixed company without you ever around, especially in places with alcohol.
(2) the OM obviously does not get the message that they are done. Either he is stupid or she is responding in some manner to him attempting to contact her . He does not have to worry though since he is part of the group and can physically get in her presence at any time while you are not there. So all it will take is one careless moment and you are back where you started from. She chose to betray you multiple times so part of her consequences have to be that she loses her enablers and social group that she used as cover. And yes she will resent that and has not agreed to it.
(3) you should be telling your family that you do not want them involved in being to between or her family either. Do they all know all the details of her activities. If au was your parent so would tell you not to bring her anywhere near my house

Your ONS , which is not acceptable, had no impact on this because she did not know. So revenge affairs are ruled out.
And as bad as your behavior was, it never happened again which to me does not meet what she did in carrying on a physical and emotional affair that she did not voluntarily end.
She cannot now use that as excuse.
You will be in constant detective mode if you try to R and that can be a trying existence.
It's your call but my vote would be to tell her you want no part of her anymore.

Posts: 1097 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Eastern USA

Badhurt♂ 41947Member # 41947

Posted: 11:00 AM, July 19th (Saturday), 2014

Somebody
I see no way you are going to be able to R with her for the following reasons
(1) the OM. Is part of a circle of friends that she refuses to give up . Not only is it impractical for you to have to be there whenever she interacts or goes anywhere with these people, but you will be humiliated and embarrassed because some of these people undoubtedly are aware or suspect this guy has been banging her. And who knows if her other fuck buddies are not also in some way connected to this group. I do have to also question what your girlfriend was doing hanging out regularly with a group of mixed company without you ever around, especially in places with alcohol.
(2) the OM obviously does not get the message that they are done. Either he is stupid or she is responding in some manner to him attempting to contact her . He does not have to worry though since he is part of the group and can physically get in her presence at any time while you are not there. So all it will take is one careless moment and you are back where you started from. She chose to betray you multiple times so part of her consequences have to be that she loses her enablers and social group that she used as cover. And yes she will resent that and has not agreed to it.
(3) you should be telling your family that you do not want them involved in being to between or her family either. Do they all know all the details of her activities. If au was your parent so would tell you not to bring her anywhere near my house

Your ONS , which is not acceptable, had no impact on this because she did not know. So revenge affairs are ruled out.
And as bad as your behavior was, it never happened again which to me does not meet what she did in carrying on a physical and emotional affair that she did not voluntarily end.
She cannot now use that as excuse.
You will be in constant detective mode if you try to R and that can be a trying existence.
It's your call but my vote would be to tell her you want no part of her anymore.