Saturday, October 24, 2009

Tell me something. When did it become permissible or acceptable or perhaps even advisable that one tell a lie that is so far from what the truth could possibly be that everyone knows it is a lie from the get go? You know the ones I mean. The lies that when we hear them, the first thing that we think is, "Yeah, right." Things like, "I haven't had plastic surgery." "My son is in a balloon." "I'm neither a Muslim, nor a Kenyan and can be your President." You know them. I'm going to give you a new one to add to that list. "We were having a heated discussion about airline policy." Wait. What now?

Correct. Let's go over to Minneapolis, Minnesota where Northwest flight 188 was supposed to have landed at 8:01pm last night. The plane was an hour and fifteen minutes late when it finally landed. And during that time there were many attempts to try to contact the pilots in the cockpit, but to no avail. The pilots weren't responding.

So what gives? There weren't air traffic problems. There weren't mechanical problems. There hadn't been a delay. There wasn't some strong headwind. But there's some wind blowin' now. According to the fine folks over there at MYFox - Twin Cities, the explanation from the two pilots (the regular and the co-) was that they had "...stated they were in a heated discussion over airline policy and they lost situational awareness." Um, wait. They lost what?

Lost situational awareness. It's a term that is used when you have just done something or are supposed to do something but don't remember doing it or having to do it. We've all probably done something sort of like this. Like if we're driving to work or to go home and we're thinking about something other than driving and suddenly, there we are! Home! We have no idea how in the heck we got there, but yet, there we are. We clearly drove ourselves there, but we "lost situational awareness" and were surprised when we realized we were home.

Say, Captain Words-A-Lot, are you trying to say "forgot"? The pilots forgot to land the plane? I don't think that happened. Seriously. How freaking heated could a discussion over "airline policy" actually get? Tell me this: What part of the "airline policy" were they in such a heated discussion over? I'll tell you what part of "airline policy" I wish they'd been in a heated discussion over. It's the part of "airline policy" that tells you to land the damn plane in Minneapolis and not fly 150 miles past the airport before you finally realize that you're in Wisconsin!

That's right. Wisconsin. Numerous attempts to contact the pilots failed and so the plane just kept right on flying until it was somewhere near Eau Claire (home of that tasty, creme filled donut. Oh, wait. That's eclair. Never mind. Carry on!), Wisconsin when the pilots finally responded. Wisconsin. What the hell? And you expect us to believe that they were arguing with each other? I can't possibly imagine. There are quite a few things that I can get into a passionate discussion with someone about, but I highly doubt that the discussion is going to cause me to completely ignore the twinkling lights of Minneapolis and not cause me to realize that the discussion is going to have to wait because we have a plane to land!

There is speculation that the pilots may have been asleep. Um, perhaps. Now, this is where I'd like to make the disclaimer that there are few things in life that I enjoy more than wild, rampant, irresponsible speculation and I will commence doing so now. Sure, they could have been asleep. I kind of don't have too much of a problem with that. I mean, there is that "auto-pilot" thing that seems to work pretty well and that's kind of what it's for; to pilot the plane automatically. However, the fact that no one else could get into the cockpit (to tell these dumbasses that those pretty lights down there are where they want to put the plane) because it was locked during this time, yeah that's troubling. But it's also...convenient. Hmmmm.

Now, I'm not saying that they weren't sleeping. They absolutely could have been. And nothing makes most people more tired and in need of a nap than a good heavy dose of fornication. Let's look closer at the statements of one of the pilots, first officer Richard Cole (brother of Nat King Cole, of course), who said that falling asleep "...wasn't the case. He also said an argument wasn't to blame." This according to MetroNews.ca up there in Calgary, Canada, America's Hat. Anything else you'd like to share with us, Rich? "All I'm saying is we were not asleep; we were not having a fight; there was nothing serious going on in the cockpit that would threaten the people in the back at all," he told The Associated Press in an interview at his home in Salem, Ore." And....? "He declined to discuss what exactly happened but did insist "it was not a serious event, from a safety issue." "I can't go into it, but it was innocuous." Um, right.

You dumbass! It's "innocuous" now! But that's only because you didn't a) crash or b) get shot down by military fighters that were standing by. (How a military fighter "stands by" is completely beyond me.) Whatever y'all were doing up there was only "innocuous" because nothing happened! (Note to self: Always check to see who my pilot is on future flights and run like the wind if it's that dude.)

Maybe it's a little bit of everything. Maybe co-pilot Rich and master pilot Timothy Cheney (brother of Dick Cheney, of course) were up there in the cockpit (which is really becoming quite the appropriate term for this little tryst). They were all alone. One looked over at the other. "How you doin'?" Huh? I think I'm close. Not as close as I think that those two probably were, but pretty close never the less.

Their own altitudes become elevated, they're playing with each other's instrument panels, moving joysticks into highly inappropriate positions, keeping their "tray" in the upright position and really hoping to stick the landing. Afterwards, maybe they spooned a bit. You know. A little cockpit cuddle before deciding they could break free from each other's embrace and let those 140 people on the plane go to their destination. First things first, they had to get their "ass" out of "Wisconsin". (Why'd I put the quotes around "ass"? I'm pretty sure that's what I meant.)

This will be interesting to see what comes out as the real story. All I know is that they were not in a heated discussion. A heated moment, ummmmm, perhaps! But a heated discussion? I doubt it. And back to my initial point. Don't lie when you're totally busted. We're going to see right through it. You did have plastic surgery. Your kid isn't in that balloon. OK, fine, you're not a Muslim or a Kenyan, but you do smoke! And you two were making sweet, sweet love at 37,000 feet when you...whoopsie! Overshot the runway by 150 miles. We know. We know. Just admit it. You'll feel better. Not as good as you did in that cockpit, but better.