Kathy Mueller: Obviously, the Wal-Mart shoppers. They don’t give a fuck who has to die for the deal of the day!

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Jackie Briggs: I don’t know; I just know that one time my mom was packing Christmas decorations and for space’s sake, she vindictively labeled it “Xmas décor.” I had no idea she hated Christ so much.

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Chelsea Booker: As much as I actually do choose to keep Christ in Christmas, I have quite a difficult time fully supporting something that the oh-so-brilliant Chris Buttars is fighting so ridiculously for. Why not let this “Christian nation” speak for itself rather than forcing your own views and beliefs on anyone, Mr. Buttars? Come on now, WWJD? Hmm?

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Lara Grant: I dunno, but if we could somehow harness the power of all those drooling, frenzied, cutthroat Wal-Mart shoppers who kill each other for Xboxes, we could win any war! Can you just imagine the 1st Battalion Bargain-Shoppers Brigade?

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Derek Carlisle: Unless Baby Jesus comes down with some anger issues and starts tramplin’ some Wal-Mart employees over a Slap-Me-Silly Elmo, I think Santa has it in the bag.

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Jeremiah Smith: Is there really a “War on Christmas”? I thought it was just a lot of whining and gnashing of teeth. However, if I have to pick, I can surely tell you who is losing: Me

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Ted Scheffler: I am winning the War on Christmas. Thus far, I’ve managed to spend $0 on gifts this holiday season.

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James Burnitt: The evil trolls under my bed started it all when I was just a wee lad. They would steal everything and leave nothing but stones. Gradually, I realized they were right, and that I could use the stones to build walls against blind consumerism, or throw them at religious zealots. We will win.