America: Leading the World in the Inevitable
Trend toward Cloned Killing Machines!

On February 12, 2001, the Human Genome Project was officially completed. For
those of you who don't know what the Human Genome Project is, I will give a
short answer and a long answer.

Short Answer:

The Genome Project is an experiment funded by the U.S. Government for
the purpose of experiments on Area 51 combining the genes of humans and
little green or grey-colored men, and will eventually lead to the cloning
of humans. This information will inevitably either be stolen or sold by
crooked scientists to some small third-world terrorist nation, which will
use it to create an army of cloned genetically enhanced soldiers using
the altered genes of soldiers who fought in the Gulf War. Above all these
cloned soldiers will be one Top Soldier (a "Big Boss" if you
will), who is composed of the genes of all the greatest soldiers in world
history. This Boss will oversee the building of a giant armored walking
battletank. However, one way or another, this Boss fools around in his
youth, and eventually has two sons. One of his sons is sent to stop the
building of the aforementioned tank, and ends up killing his father and
destroying his tank...twice. The other son follows in his father's footsteps
after his death and rebuilding the tank a third time, and ends up getting
offed too. And then, the world is safe once again thanks to the covert
exploits of one lone soldier...at least for now.

Long Answer:

The Human Genome Project was started several years ago by some scientists,
and I didn't really know or care about it until I took a genetics class in my
sophomore year taught by an egotistical dwarf who could sweat profusely in sub-zero
weather. I think he knew so much about genetics because he was such a genetic
freak of nature himself; but I digress. The point of the Human Genome project
was basically to, well, make the perfect human. It probably would have been
completed long ago, if the government's funds weren't tied up in the immortality
experiment they were conducting on Bob Barker and Dick Clark. You see, back
in the 50's, when this project was first put underway (which may or may not
be true, but for the sake of this argument, let's assume I'm always right),
everything was peachy; you know, nuclear family, black-and-white TV, white picket
fence, dog, Victrola, all that bullshit. However, there were those who still
pondered the unanswered questions... no, not the questions like "How can
we make those robotic maids and engineer unstoppable cyber-ninjas?" but
rather useless shit like "What makes us the way we are? How can we find
out?" And thus the Human Genome Project was underway.

The basis of the project is that everything about us, from the color of our
hair to the presence of a monobrow, is all written into our genes. You get genes
from your parents, who mix things up, keep warm for nine months, and then boom!
That's good Billy.The scientists believed that not only our
physical traits are present in genes, but other more subtle aspects of our being;
why black guys have the genes to rap and breakdance; why white people have the
"grab purse" gene when they come in close contact with black-guy genes;
why rednecks have an affinity for Confederate flags and small steel trailers;
why guys named Joe and Chad have the genes to acquire certain females regardless
of their physical appearance; why women lack the genes to make sense or drive
an automobile; and why Tom Hanks has the genes to win Oscars every damn year.
All along the way, these scientists have not only been screwing with humanity,
but fucking around with other races as well, such as cloning sheep (which, given
the redneck population, can only be used for purely evil means) and growing
human ears on rats (great, so those fuckers can hear a mousetrap snap from a
mile away... brilliant).

So finally, like I said, in February the scientists were able to finally finish
the gene map. So are we ready to clone soldiers and have Solid Snake save the
day yet? Apparently not. And how do the genius scientists explain this? "Duh..
well, duh... Things aren't as simple as we thought and duh... there's lots of
stuff that controls different factors and stuff, and um... this could take up
to 10 more years before we make any use of it."

Way to go, you sons of bitches! Basically, you're telling us that the last
50 years you've been working on this damn thing, 50 years you could have been
using to make us helper robots and giant military mechs like in every third
Japanese cartoon, you've been working on a fucking waste of time?! Even
the Japanese are one-up on us now. They made a damn robotic dog, and now even
their cartoons are better than ours... and we dropped two atomic bombs on
them!! What the hell's wrong with this picture, America? Next thing you
know, Canada will be laughing at us, and we can't well nuke the hell out of
them because they have ski resorts and a lower drinking age, and they pumped
out Pamela Anderson and we can't be sure how many more Pamela Andersons we're
gonna get.

Apparently, there have been some side-projects that these scientists have been
working on as well. A couple months ago, they told us about what could arguably
be "the coolest fucking thing ever" - the glowing monkey. This was
done by mixing glowing jellyfish genes with monkey genes in some fashion, and
boom! That's good glo-Monkey. Anyway, these jackass scientists
concluded that the experiment had no effect, since they never saw the monkeys
glow.

But wouldn't it be a bitch if a cartoon boy genius
is smarter than these bastards? Everyone who watches Dexter's Laboratory
and has seen the exploits of his monkey knows that when you screw with a
monkey's genes, you don't get any hard results... no enhancements, no
physical mu-tay-tions, nothing! But surprise, surprise... Your monkey
can receive cosmic signals of distress from worlds away. And then you know
what happens?

That's right... that fucker glows!
Dexter brainchild Genndy Tartakovsky obviously had some inside connections
to this experiment, since this glowing monkey has been on TV for years before
these results came out. With a Russian-sounding name like Tartakovsky, it's
almost certain.

So what am I getting at here? To tell you the truth, I have no clue anymore.
But it's for certain that the government is hiding something from us... as usual.
And it's probably up to Dana Scully and the T-1000 to find out what. It's about
time they got their act together and found the truth already instead of fucking
up like they do every season. I hear from my FBI inside source that their jobs
are in danger.