12 Least Anticipated Films Of 2012

A great snack to enjoy while watching these films is Ambien.

The end of the year doesn’t just bring about a bevy of year-end retrospectives, but also previews of the year ahead, most often as lists of “Films We’re Most Excited About” or something of that ilk. Why so positive, entertainment journalists?

We at Screen Junkies take it upon ourselves to remind the world that, although there will be some terrific movies coming out in 2012, there will also be the requisite amount of crap that comes in the form of unnecessary sequels, remakes no one asked for, and just horrible, horrible films overall.

Review the dates and make plans to go camping, or just stay in bed over the following weekends. You’ll be glad you did.

Underworld: Awakening – January 20

Unless the working title was Underworld: Kate Beckinsale’s Nubile Tits, this probably isn’t going to be on my radar. Actually, because it’s the 73rd entry in a franchise no one will own up to seeing, and it’s being released in late January, I’m guessing it won’t be on many people’s radar.

Journey 2: The Mysterious Island – February 10

Just looked up the original Journey to become familiar with it. Turns out the first film was the ill-fated Journey to the Center of the Earth in 2008. Shockingly, the film managed to rake in $100 million bucks so there’s no way there wasn’t going to be a sequel. Good news, though; Fans of The Rock and Michael Caine will finally get to see them together.

By all accounts, early buzz on this film is that it’s far worse than the poorly-received original. But wait! It’s in 3D! Nicolas Cage is running around telling everyone “it’s not a sequel.” Like anyone cares. It’s another Ghost Rider movie that no one wants or asked for. The big crime here is dragging resident badass Idris Elba into this monstrosity. Being crappy is one thing, but bring Stringer Bell into your crappiness is another affront altogether.

Wrath of the Titans – March 30

Even Sam Worthington admitted the original, Clash of the Titans, sucked. But the siren call of a bloated production in 3D has a way of luring in all the mouthbreathing yokels. Don’t be one of them. See an arthouse film. Failing that, just burn your cash so Titans will never see it.

American Reunion – April 6

“Hey, how do you think those kids from American Pie are faring as adults?”

- A question never asked by anyone, ever.

The Three Stooges – April 13

Just watch the trailer. Quaint concept, but it’s just not for us. It’s also got the Jersey Shore cast in it, which technically precludes it from being regarded as “art.” It was supposed to star Benicio Del Toro, Sean Penn, and Jim Carrey. It ended up starring Will Sasso, Sean Hayes, and Chris Diamantopoulos

Scary Movie 5 – April 20

This should be great because it really does take about 450 minutes of cinema to properly skewer the horror film genre. 500 if you want to include an appropriate number of Snooki references.

Battleship – May 18

The painful game of eliminating blank spaces, under the flimsy pretense of Naval supremacy, is now a film in which Rihanna and Tim Riggins fight aliens. If I had any fight left in me, this would make me angry. As it is, though, I suppose this will be May’s mindless, bloated actioner. Wonder what June’s will be?

Step Up 4 – July 27

How many times must these characters be forced to “step up” before they can simply reside at a higher elevation? At least four times, by my count. IMDB describes the premise thusly: “Emily arrives in Miami with aspirations to become a professional dancer. She sparks with Sean, the leader of a dance crew whose neighborhood is threatened by Emily's father's development plans.”

While it’s nice to know that the “evil developer” villain is coming back into fashion, I can’t say I really care if Emily or Sean live or die, let alone fall in love. Actually, I’m rooting for the developer on this one. Miami could use some nice high-rise condos.

Resident Evil: Retribution – September 14

WHO KEEPS PAYING TO SEE THESE FILMS? HOW MANY WHITE FOURTEEN YEAR-OLD BOYS CAN THERE BE?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D – October 5

I made it about halfway through that title before dozing off. Judging by the title, I’m inferring that this is a sequel of a remake of remake. Or a remake of a sequel of an adaptation. Not sure. What I am sure of is that this is the least inspired film on this list, which is like being the tallest building in Dubai.

Red Dawn – November 2

This film was going to offer a more modern take on the 1984 original, pitting high school kids against China instead of Russia. The film has been done for almost three years, so the only explanation there is that the film is so great they’re waiting for a super-awesome time to release it so everyone will enjoy it as much as possible.

Unfortunately, while waiting for that super-appropriate time, China found out they were the bad guys and were NOT happy. So Lionsgate changed the country to North Korea. Oops. About a week ago, Kim Jung Il died, so by the time this film is released, it’s possible North Korea could be a totally friendly nation, or maybe even part of the United States.