Sunday, July 15, 2012

One Day at a Time

The last few days have been so crazy. I have a whirlwind of emotions swirling around inside of me. One thing I can truly say is that I am not happy yet. I know it takes time and effort and if anyone can do it, that person is me, but I still feel numb most of the time.

I left home to heal. To gain strength and feel like myself again. But I don't. Not yet.

I was invited to leave the island with some friends last night to attend an event. I even went so far as to go find something to wear. But in the two hours we were shopping, I felt like my head was going to explode if I didn't get out of the place we were in. I just ended up frustrated and scared and confused.

By the time we got back, I had already decided not to go. There is no way I wanted to be around a huge crowd of people right now. I can feel them pressing in on me, sucking all of the oxygen out of the space I am in. So instead, I took a nap. I watched a movie. I went back to bed.

I'm still having nightmares. I wake up in the middle of the night and reach next to me, only to realize that my comfort, my whole world has disappeared. And then I start to cry. Sometimes the tears just stream down my cheeks as I remember what is now my reality. Sometimes my body is wracked with sobs. But always, I remember. I see. The visual evidence of the last few weeks is etched into my retinas. I see it when I wake up. It keeps me from sleeping at night.

And it hurts. The pain is almost unbearable at times. Sometimes, I blame myself. But I realize that it isn't my fault. What happened to me. All of it. None of it. The people who care about me didn't really see the signs either. I knew something was wrong. In my heart, in my head, I just knew. In all aspects of my life.

But this changes nothing. All I can do is take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. I know, inside, that I am a good person. She's still in there.

I pray. For strength. For the ability to forgive. For my children and my family. For my health and well being. For the nightmares to stop. But I don't pray for the ability to wake up and realize this has all been a dream. Because that will never happen.

Yesterday morning I woke up. I went for a run. I did yoga on the beach. Today I can feel it in my body. The solid proof that I am doing something to recover. Maybe I will just stay in my cocoon for the next two weeks. I don't know how this process is supposed to work. But little by little, I am making an effort. For myself first. For everyone else second. The way it should be.

Believe it or not I have been there. I very much understand. Someone described it to me as The Valley of The Shadow of Death. It's a lonely frightening place and you just want to be a year down the road because you know the pain will take so long to heal. It will take time to fill that empty place with the joie de vivre again. The sun, the exercise, yoga and warm water is good for your soul. Be honest with yourself. Forgive yourself and others. Peace. M.E.