Dating Maze #355: Performance Anxiety

When speaking with a good prospect, I get intimidated and close up.

Thank you so much for your insightful column. Often when I struggle with dating issue I check the Dating Maze archives and find that you've addressed my exact question.

Here’s an issue that’s been really bothering me: I struggle to relax around people. More accurately, I struggle to relax around people who I want to like me.

I tend to subconsciously classify people as being “above” or “below” (or “better” or “worse”) than I am. When I'm with people I view as 'below' me, I can completely relax and be myself. I'm not embarrassed to do funny/crazy/stupid things or to be assertive.

When I'm with people I view as “above” me, I'm generally on edge, subconsciously worrying what they'll think of me. I measure my words much more carefully and suppress my true personality. These people tend to think that I'm a shy, boring, under-achiever.

I have trouble being myself with women I want to connect with.

I realize that putting people into these categories is a negative trait, and that what really counts is how God sees each of us. I'd like to be able to stop doing this, but I don't know how. It's become a problem in dating, because although I'm relaxed around women I view as 'below' me, I'm generally not excited to be with them!

On the other hand, I have trouble being myself with women I want to connect with. And so, it's happened a number of times that although I'm keen and on paper we're a great match, she doesn't want to continue.

Would you say that the challenge is for me to work on my self-esteem/character until I reach a point that I'm completely comfortable around all people? Or would you say that the right woman for me is someone around whom I'll feel both relaxed and excited?

I've spoken to a number of my friends and they all seem to share this issue. So any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Jeff

Dear Jeff,

We've often hear from men who are dating for marriage and wonder why they become so anxious when they are out with a woman they think might be right for them. The anxiety cuts across many personality lines – it can affect men who often feel sure of themselves, as well as people who are not as self-confident. It seems that when they are dating a woman who has qualities they admire, a personality they like, and whom they are attracted to, they begin to worry that she may not feel they same way as they do.

As they worry, their level of anxiety increases. When they are out with the woman they hope to impress, they start to think "too much." They begin to analyze everything that comes out of their mouth, worrying about what she will think and how she'll react. Instead of being able to relax and have a normal, flowing conversation, they may freeze up, or babble, or keep on talking without letting their date say very much.

They feel doubly uncomfortable during the pauses in conversation that normally occur during the early stage of a courtship. The worry that, "I afraid I'm going to ruin something good" can actually become a self-fulfilling prophesy, as anxiety keeps them from being themselves.

Six Performance Tools

There are many ways that you can learn to minimize your anxious feelings, in order to have calmer and more enjoyable dates:

(1) Use this simple breathing exercise whenever you sense your inner level of tension rising: Cup your hands over your mouth and breathing into them for a few minutes. This will help even out your carbon dioxide levels and calm your physical symptoms.

(2) Another easy exercise is to breathe in from your nose, and then out from your mouth, for a series of ten in-and-out cycles. Try to make each cycle a bit longer than the one before, quietly focusing on your breathing. This exercise only takes a few minutes and gradually allows your heart rate to slow down so that you’ll feel physically and mentally more relaxed. You can do it anywhere, without anyone noticing what you're doing. You can use this regularly, multiple times daily: during your morning routine, during your commute to work, before or after a coffee break, on your commute back home, and before going to sleep.

(3) One of the best ways to reduce anxiety is to incorporate exercise into your daily routine. Try for 30 minutes of exercise 3-to-5 times a week. Not only does exercise cause your body to release endorphins, which elevate your mood, but it can also help you feel that you are more proactive about your life and build self-confidence.

(4) Develop a few ice-breaker lines that you can use to help lower your own anxiety and alleviate any discomfort your date might feel because you're nervous. For example: "I bet I can make you smile in five seconds." Or, if you say something silly: "Excuse me while I take my foot out of my mouth."

(5) Try not to think about the meaning behind what your date said or did, how she'll react to your words or actions, whether she'll go out with you again, if she likes you, she could be "The One," or what it would like to be married to her. Not only do these thoughts cause you to become more anxious, they also keep you from experiencing the date in "real time." You can train yourself to push these thoughts out of your mind by telling yourself, "Thinking about this is not going to help me now. I'm simply not going to do it."

(6) One good approach is to tell yourself, "I'm going to make the best of this date and focus on the experience of being on a date with a nice woman.” Pay attention to the sound of her voice, and what she's saying. Is there something else you'd like to know about the subject she's discussing? Notice the taste of the food, the background music, the décor and overall atmosphere, the scenery as you walk together. To get used to this process, practice how to "be in the moment" when you're not on a date. Take five minutes at any time during your day, and pay attention to all of your senses, thoughts and feelings.

These strategies can help you have more positive dating experiences and can time keep you from spending your date wondering whether or not you're "good enough" for the woman you're with.

Identifying Triggers

Here’s anothersuggestion to help address your tendency to characterize women you date as "better” or "worse" than you. Intellectually, we know that each of us is strong in some areas and less strong in others, and that we shouldn't be making judgments about people's relative qualitative "values." This is especially true with external qualities like wealth, education, looks, or social standing. Nevertheless, it's a hard habit to break.

Is there a life event that made you think in terms of "better" or "worse”?

It will help you to understand why you tend to quickly categorize people into "better" or "worse." Spend some time remembering when you first began to think along these lines. Is there a person or event in your life that made you think that you were "better" or "worse" than someone else? What did you feel when you thought this way? What other situations or people triggered those thoughts and feelings on other occasions, or reinforced your judgment about yourself?

Think about what were the criteria that you first used, and continue to use, to compare yourself to others. Write these ideas down and then review them. What common threads do you see? Are there situations, circumstances, or types of people that trigger your tendency to compare and judge? Once you understand how this process began and how you repeat it today, you can develop a way to change your habit.

The best way to make this change is to notice when you start engaging in judgmentalism and then "talk” yourself out of it:

"There I go again, thinking I'm better or worse than someone else. I know why I do this. I have always felt uncomfortable about my looks. Susie is very pretty, and I jump to the conclusion that she's a "better quality" person than me because she is better looking than I feel I am.

“I have to stop making these judgments. I have to look at Susie as a whole person, just as I want her to see me as a whole person. I'm not going to get stuck in an unhealthy way of thinking, but instead try to get to know her better and hope that she'll want to get to know me, too."

Work out a good self-talk script that will help you get unstuck in the future. With a little practice, these suggestions can help you approach dating with a healthier attitude.

Related Articles:

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

Visitor Comments: 6

(5)
Ariella,
December 17, 2012 2:17 PM

Here is how I broke this habit!

Jeff, I feel your pain! I broke this habit for good with these three thoughts/exercises:
(Note that I don't agree with the terms "above" and "below" as properly characterizing how I felt, but for clarity's sake I will use them)
1) A sense of urgency/panic. I saw a pattern in my dating; after ending yet another relationship with someone "below" me, I realized that continuing to date people I was not interested in guaranteed that I would MARRY someone I wasn't ultimately interested in. This scared me. So I committed to changing.
2) I made myself as beautiful as possible, inside and out (as suggested above)
3) I worked on a trial period of only talking to people I found very very attractive (this was a challenge for me), with no intention of dating them, whatsoever. It was hard at first, but as I continued to surround myself and talk to beautiful people, I realized that they were no better than me, in fact, most were quite boring, or just not for me for other reasons.
Since then I have been able to date a number of people who are wonderful, both inside and out, and mostly have been myself. Hopefully now I will be truly open to "the one," whichever form he takes.

(4)
Anonymous,
April 12, 2012 9:55 PM

I think that quite often women feel the same way. After all they are in the same position, looking for a potential spouse. Do you have any advice as to what exactly a women could do in order to be herself, more calm, less nervous etc...? Thanks

(3)
Shifra,
March 29, 2012 6:17 PM

women have this problem, too

or at least i do. if i don't think of someone as a potential love interest (and sometimes in business, too) i'm relaxed and fun. but i clam up and feel anxious around men i'm attracted to for a relationship (and sometimes especially desirable clients as well).
i'm otherwise very comfortable around people.
except when it "counts"

(2)
SusanE,
March 29, 2012 4:10 PM

Here is what the "Prospects" are Shown.

"I have classified you as beneath me, so I can act crazy and stupid and be very assertive toward you. I don't have to try to impress you, because you are lower than I want in a woman, this won't become a relationship." What a horrible way to treat a woman. - - - - - - - On the other side......How he interacts with the women he feels as above him, he says, Being with you, I feel as less of a man and I can't be myself around you. You think of me as a shy , boring under-achiever because that is how I am portraying myself to you. This won't become a relationship because I won't be myself around you. You have self-esteem and confidence, and I don't." Something else is going on with this man. - - - - - - Given the descriptions of the 'prospects' he has been out with and described as beneath or above him....why has he not described even ONE woman as his equal?

David,
May 30, 2014 2:56 PM

I think you're mistaken

I also have similar issues when dating people I'm interested in as opposed those I'm not. I make it a point to allocate an entire everning, pay the bill and be as totally pleasant, chilled out and funny as I can. I almost always ask for a second - even knowing she'll say no! it's not about mental instability, arrogance or abusive tendencies. It's about people who may be wonderfull, kind and high fliers in every way, but still have a hard time with self esteem. we all have weaknesses - don't jump the gun on whoever you feel the need to judge someone. he's absolutely no exception or rarity.

(1)
Pauline,
March 28, 2012 5:35 PM

Maybe it would help the people that are uncomfortable around others, at times, to do the following. Instead of thinking about themselves during the date / meeting (as this can apply in many situations), one can try to focus on learning about or from the person they are with. This can make ourselves more comfortable in the moment, as our mind has a vacation from our own patterns of thoughts, and helps us learn new stuff, and more importantly create new friendships. Try though, to ask questions where one can not answer with a quick yes or no. For example, "tell me about your ...family, job, favorite vacation, hobbies if any, your best memory, what kind of stuff you'd like to do but haven't yet." Or "how to you...do that hobby, make that meal..." Besides getting to know each other better, usually others will feel favorably towards you, a person that cares enough to truly take an interest in them. (As we get busier and older, people seem to do this less and less; and a person who does care enough to take the time to know us, becomes more and more rare and precious.) Just be your kind and considerate self. Hope this helps. Be well.

I just got married and have an important question: Can we eat rice on Passover? My wife grew up eating it, and I did not. Is this just a matter of family tradition?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

The Torah instructs a Jew not to eat (or even possess) chametz all seven days of Passover (Exodus 13:3). "Chametz" is defined as any of the five grains (wheat, spelt, barley, oats, and rye) that came into contact with water for more than 18 minutes. Chametz is a serious Torah prohibition, and for that reason we take extra protective measures on Passover to prevent any mistakes.

Hence the category of food called "kitniyot" (sometimes referred to generically as "legumes"). This includes rice, corn, soy beans, string beans, peas, lentils, peanuts, mustard, sesame seeds and poppy seeds. Even though kitniyot cannot technically become chametz, Ashkenazi Jews do not eat them on Passover. Why?

Products of kitniyot often appear like chametz products. For example, it can be hard to distinguish between rice flour (kitniyot) and wheat flour (chametz). Also, chametz grains may become inadvertently mixed together with kitniyot. Therefore, to prevent confusion, all kitniyot were prohibited.

In Jewish law, there is one important distinction between chametz and kitniyot. During Passover, it is forbidden to even have chametz in one's possession (hence the custom of "selling chametz"). Whereas it is permitted to own kitniyot during Passover and even to use it - not for eating - but for things like baby powder which contains cornstarch. Similarly, someone who is sick is allowed to take medicine containing kitniyot.

What about derivatives of kitniyot - e.g. corn oil, peanut oil, etc? This is a difference of opinion. Many will use kitniyot-based oils on Passover, while others are strict and only use olive or walnut oil.

Finally, there is one product called "quinoa" (pronounced "ken-wah" or "kin-o-ah") that is permitted on Passover even for Ashkenazim. Although it resembles a grain, it is technically a grass, and was never included in the prohibition against kitniyot. It is prepared like rice and has a very high protein content. (It's excellent in "cholent" stew!) In the United States and elsewhere, mainstream kosher supervision agencies certify it "Kosher for Passover" -- look for the label.

Interestingly, the Sefardi Jewish community does not have a prohibition against kitniyot. This creates the strange situation, for example, where one family could be eating rice on Passover - when their neighbors will not. So am I going to guess here that you are Ashkenazi and your wife is Sefardi. Am I right?

Yahrtzeit of Rabbi Moses ben Nachman (1194-1270), known as Nachmanides, and by the acronym of his name, Ramban. Born in Spain, he was a physician by trade, but was best-known for authoring brilliant commentaries on the Bible, Talmud, and philosophy. In 1263, King James of Spain authorized a disputation (religious debate) between Nachmanides and a Jewish convert to Christianity, Pablo Christiani. Nachmanides reluctantly agreed to take part, only after being assured by the king that he would have full freedom of expression. Nachmanides won the debate, which earned the king's respect and a prize of 300 gold coins. But this incensed the Church: Nachmanides was charged with blasphemy and he was forced to flee Spain. So at age 72, Nachmanides moved to Jerusalem. He was struck by the desolation in the Holy City -- there were so few Jews that he could not even find a minyan to pray. Nachmanides immediately set about rebuilding the Jewish community. The Ramban Synagogue stands today in Jerusalem's Old City, a living testimony to his efforts.

It's easy to be intimidated by mean people. See through their mask. Underneath is an insecure and unhappy person. They are alienated from others because they are alienated from themselves.

Have compassion for them. Not pity, not condemning, not fear, but compassion. Feel for their suffering. Identify with their core humanity. You might be able to influence them for the good. You might not. Either way your compassion frees you from their destructiveness. And if you would like to help them change, compassion gives you a chance to succeed.

It is the nature of a person to be influenced by his fellows and comrades (Rambam, Hil. De'os 6:1).

We can never escape the influence of our environment. Our life-style impacts upon us and, as if by osmosis, penetrates our skin and becomes part of us.

Our environment today is thoroughly computerized. Computer intelligence is no longer a science-fiction fantasy, but an everyday occurrence. Some computers can even carry out complete interviews. The computer asks questions, receives answers, interprets these answers, and uses its newly acquired information to ask new questions.

Still, while computers may be able to think, they cannot feel. The uniqueness of human beings is therefore no longer in their intellect, but in their emotions.

We must be extremely careful not to allow ourselves to become human computers that are devoid of feelings. Our culture is in danger of losing this essential aspect of humanity, remaining only with intellect. Because we communicate so much with unfeeling computers, we are in danger of becoming disconnected from our own feelings and oblivious to the feelings of others.

As we check in at our jobs, and the computer on our desk greets us with, "Good morning, Mr. Smith. Today is Wednesday, and here is the agenda for today," let us remember that this machine may indeed be brilliant, but it cannot laugh or cry. It cannot be happy if we succeed, or sad if we fail.

Today I shall...

try to remain a human being in every way - by keeping in touch with my own feelings and being sensitive to the feelings of others.

With stories and insights,
Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...