Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Never too Late

Abuse and children are a toxic mix. No child should be abused or witness a parent being abused. There is no doubt in any of our hearts about these truths. Most people know deep in their being that children need to be protected from harm.

And yet...too many of us who have been abused spouses have to deal with the knowledge that our own children were exposed to things we wish they hadn't.

I doubled over in pain, when my denial cleared away and I realized what my children had seen and heard in their formative years. My heart felt irrecoverably shattered. I couldn't believe that I had let things go on so long. My denial to protect myself from pain had cost my children dearly. Many of you reading this site may have had a similar moment of reckoning.

Over a decade later, I want to encourage all readers who are raising children who were born into an abusive environment to not give up in despair. It is never too late to begin providing a much better environment for our children. At first it may seem hopeless to repair the damage done, but I can assure you that it is not hopeless. Children need love and they need at least one caring, committed parent.

One of my adult children called last week to thank me for leaving her abusive father and for the parenting I did after leaving. What a wonderful blessing! I never imagined such a call would occur when I prayed in desperation for God to lead me and teach me to parent my precious children. I didn't know a day of reward would come, when I had those times when I listened to children and didn't know what to say, so I prayed asking God to help me to say something that would minister to their wounded hearts. When I was so tired as a single parent that I wasn't sure sometimes how I kept going, I didn't know that my humming as I washed the dinner dishes helped one of my children feel safe. I didn't know when I was juggling three children in an emergency room, one of my children would remember feeling loved and secure. I just kept inviting God's help, and he responded faithfully.

My children do still bear some signs of how their childhood began, but they also possess many things they wouldn't have today, if God had not worked many healing moments into their childhoods. They each know deeply that their mom loves them and is available anytime to give support and encouragement. They know that they have a home that is safe and loving. They know that God is real. They know that they can create a positive adulthood for themselves. They know that they never need to tolerate abuse. They know that they can love someone who is unhealthy-- while at the same time maintaining healthy boundaries. They know that trials are part of life. They know that it is possible to overcome failures and problems.

Keep on loving your children no matter how "messed up" they might seem from the trauma they have been through. Keep on asking for God's help with parenting. He is faithful. He will help. It is never too late.

2 comments:

How true Tanya...that it is "never to late". God gives us new beginnings everyday. I am so grateful that my children do not have to live in an home with domestic violence anymore. All of us have bloomed since we left that life behind years ago and we have had to work through all the stuff that affected us. It is a long journey to healing but I also know that God is on that journey with us and what great hope and encouragement that has been.

It is wonderful to hear from you, Jamey. Thanks for leaving your inspiring comment. Every day surrendered to God truly is a new beginning--full of mercies from God.

The long journey of healing is so full of hope and encouragement because of God's presence and participation. The Lord is so good!

It delights me to hear that you and your children have also done lots of blooming. Domestic violence crushes souls; I am so glad that you and your children are no longer living in a violent home situation. You and your children are precious to God!

Keeping the Faith: Questions and Answers for the Abused Woman by Marie M. Fortune

Perfect Daughters by Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D.

Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden

Safe People by Dr Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

Slay Your Own Dragons by Nancy Good

The Cinderella Syndrome by Lee Ezell

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.

The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee

Turning Fear to Hope by Holly Wagner Green

When Violence Comes Home: Help for Victims of Spouse Abuse by Tim Jackson and Jeff Olson

Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft

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Welcome

Being abused by another hurts deeply and creates many challenges. But you don't have to settle for merely being a survivor. You can become an overcomer with dazzling wings.

You might feel worthless--but you are not. You are valuable to the creator of the universe. A new life of freedom, peace, and joy awaits. Facing abuse, ending it, and healing from it is a huge journey that leaves behind hopelessness, embracing new life.

Just like myself and other abuse survivors, you can unfurl dazzling wings with the help of Jesus Christ.

This journey is possible. I've done it and so have other formerly abused women and men who have shared their stories with me. Come join us on a life-giving journey of change.

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About Me

For thirty-five years, I felt worthless. It seemed like I wore a sign across my chest inviting others to abuse me.
Unfortunately, I had an abundance of personal experience with being a victim of domestic violence, incest, emotional abuse, physical abuse, date rape, verbal abuse, and spiritual abuse. And then I experienced being the mother and stepmother of children who were assaulted by a pedophile.I felt like a cursed woman.
Since multiple people felt comfortable assualting me and then my children I assumed that there was something wrong with me. I had let me myself down in some unknown, mysterious way.
What if God let me down, too?
One day, in desperation, I prayed asking God to end the abuse.
God heard. He rescued me. He continues to heal me. His kindness, grace, and mercy far exceed anything I could’ve imagined or hoped for.
He has given me dazzling wings to soar above the pain of past abuse, spreading His message of hope: God does not approve of violence in any of its manifestations. He rescues those who cry out to Him. He heals the wounded.

Disclaimer

I share my thoughts and feelings on this blog about a very sensitive and personal topic, but I need to remind readers that I am not a licensed counselor or a legal advisor. Please weigh everything I say with prayer. Feel empowered to take what you want and leave the rest.