Coffee Break: Hosiery Mate

I was updating an old post on how to wear stockings to work (fun story: we occasionally get flagged by Google as a NSFW site because of posts like that, in part because posts like that attract some… interesting… commenters, and in part, as best I can guess, because we’re featuring images of pantyhose packages.) ANYHOO: I was intrigued to note that a number of readers had recommended this particular brand of soap for washing your pantyhose and, lo and behold, it was still available and well-reviewed almost ten years later. Awesome. The brand promises to be a “rinse-free wash with no soapy residue,” strengthens fibers to extend the wear life of pantyhose, and to soften and eliminate static cling. Oh, and you can use it in your machine or if you do your wash by hand. From the Q&A section on Amazon, one answerer notes that she uses it regularly on vintage stockings “over 50 years old,” and another notes that Hosiery Mate is great for bras as well because you don’t need to rinse. A 16-oz bottle is $14.99 at Amazon. Hosiery Mate

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Comments

I was thinking of visiting Chicago in December, between Christmas and New Year’s. I’m coming from Ohio so it would be a short, direct flight. I’m thinking since it’s the off season the city won’t be too busy. Hoping the holiday decorations will still be up. I’m prepared to bundle up for cold weather. My only concern is bad weather that could delay flights.

Rude is rude. She’s asking for advice– if you don’t have any, you don’t have to comment. She didn’t only ask about weather– she says she hopes the city won’t be too busy, hopes the holiday decor will still be up, and since she will be bundled up, her only weather concern was in regard to flight delays, which is obviously reasonable. I just can’t understand why people go to the trouble of posting a rude, unhelpful comment.

Thanks. I was just wanting to get a general idea of what the city is like around the holidays. From some initial research it looks like things are quiet in Christmas Day, so that’s why I was looking at this time period.

Depends – I like that it feels more quiet, but that is more downtown. In other parts it will definitely be busier. Many locals will take off the same time so even though public transportation will be quieter, restaurants that don’t normally have a wait at Wednesday lunch will during that week. I love that week and would encourage you to visit.

Yes decorations will still be up. Weather is anyone’s guess although it seems that the weather that delays flights (blizzards or extreme cold requiring de-icing) is happening less often and more in Jan-Feb, but again, anyone’s guess and I don’t know how the Ohio airports are at dealing with it. What advice did you want? There are fireworks at new years, but not sure if the weather will make you want to partake. The city will still be busy as most people will be taking off, but many locals will stay home. So it will feel less busy in some parts but more busy in other parts as people will decide to take off and either spend their days tourist-ing or spend it at home with family.

I guess I just wanted general advice in whether it was a good time to visit. Most people get out of Ohio to go somewhere warm, but it seems like we’ll still be able to see the sights and get some good food and drinks.

I have had flights cancelled multiple times from Chicago. It helps to book morning flights, increasing your chance of getting out on another flight that day. Also, if I know a storm is coming that will likely cancel flights, I call the airline and rebook before the flight gets cancelled.

There will still be decorations. And Michigan Ave stores are always humming. The only X-mas thing done by then that I can think of is the Christkindlemarket –but honestly, no biggie. It’s a great time of year to view the windows, do the Walnut room, eat hot nuts from street vendors. And get a break from the cold and plan some time to take in the museums. Lots to do inside. As others have said, most weather has been rougher later in the season. On the off chance there’s a lot of snow, getting around by L makes it easier and downtown always does better than the suburbs. Do bring warm boots and a scarf. I view scarf as more essential than gloves even since the wind can be rough.

I go to the Walnut Room (it’s inside the State Street Macy’s) every year with nieces and nephews after a visit to Santa. I seriously recommend skipping it unless you have kids– it’s overpriced and caters more to families with young children. Not sure if it’s just my perception, but the service and food seems to decline a bit each year.

I took a Thanksgiving visit to Chicago a few years ago (oh my gosh it was 10) and it was terrific. I saw the entire art museum, went to the Chicago symphony, and the science museum. I also generally wandered around and enjoyed just looking at the city. You can luck out on the weather too – there was one beautiful day when I had lunch by Lake Michigan.

We spent several days in Chicago one Christmas and had a wonderful time – probably six years ago. Decorations were beautiful. Stayed at the Sofitel. I adore Cafe Perriot on Rush Street next to the Peninsula, and it was the perfect place for a lighter supper on Christmas Day, after a huge breakfast and decadent Christmas Eve meal. Enjoy!

Any suggestions on a good weekend getaway from DC within a 2-3 hour drive, with two young children (ages 2 and 4)? We have a four day weekend coming up and just realized it might be fun to go away somewhere within driving distance. We have already done Philly and Lancaster and Deep Creek. We like nature and the outdoors but we’re pretty flexible. DH was suggesting colonial Williamsburg, is that good for kids? Any ideas appreciated!

I went to W&M and I think that CW is awesome for children. Some activities are better for older kids, but the thing I’ve always loved about CW is that there are 1) animals and 2) large flat areas for the random running around. Especially b/w now (post-Homecoming) and grand illumination, you should have no crowds and plenty of flexibility for hotels and restaurants. I have kids now and have never thought of not taking them. Now that they are in school and on a Hamilton bender, it will be 100% Battle of Yorktown next time we visit.

you’ve done Lancaster, but Hershey/Harrisburg is fun, too – you can do Chocolate World and the Hershey Zoo and a movie all in one weekday, then Hershey Park Christmas Candy Lane is open pretty much all day Saturday and Sundays starting this weekend, and they have Sweet Lights starting Thursday at 5 PM. If you stay at the Hershey Lodge they now have an indoor waterpark. There is a cavern nearby that you can go on a tour of, if you’re so inclined. You could probably squeeze a day trip in to Easton/Crayola too, if you wanted.

I think Colonial Williamsburg is great with older kids, but would be challenging with a 2 and 4 year old. What about Hershey, PA? It’s less than 3 hours away, you have the amusement park, lots of chocolate, and depending on the exact timing of your trip, there could be holiday stuff too.

Recommended wireless headphones for the office? And how big of a faux pas are these? I work in a cubicle and would sometimes like to be able to listen to music. .. something that looks subtle is preferred. Thanks!

I just got some Aftershokz and really like them. They sit in front of your ear and transmit the sound waves via bone conduction. I like that I can hear the sounds around me so I don’t get surprised when people start talking to me randomly.

Guys, I’m so excited for this weekend! It’s my fiance’s 30th birthday Sunday and Saturday, I’ll be taking him skydiving(!) followed by an immersive theater evening and drinks with friends. On Sunday, he wants to spend the day in his woodshop so we’re going to make something together during the day, and I got him a nice watch as a gift. I’m really really really nervous about the skydiving (which is a surprise to him — he’s talked about wanting to do it but never pulled the trigger on it) and not sure when to tell him what we’re going to do. I think maybe Wednesday or Thursday? I want it to be enough time to let him back out if he’s a strong no for some reason, but not so much time that he psychs himself out.

See what the last possible time for a full refund is! I did this with my boyfriend a few years ago and left him hints and clues around the house/car etc. If you can make it so that he can guess a day or so before you can get a full refund it might be a fun way to let him in on the surprise.
We had a blast though so enjoy!

Please help me find a not-too-warm lightweight good looking travel jacket with enough pockets to wear during my work travel (lot of travel across the world, very hot to very cold places). Coziness an important factor. I see lots of funky options online but want to spend less than 150 on something tried and tested. TIA!

I am obsessed with my torrentshell rain jacket, which I think is actually less than $150 normally and is frequently on sale if you don’t mind a non-neutral color. It doesn’t have a ton of pockets, but it has a few, it’s breathable but still warm which is good for variable climates, and it packs up super tiny in your luggage.

This might be too late, but the Uniqlo down jackets are about $80, water resistant, and pack up very very small. They’re not good for super cold weather by themselves, but if you layer (especially with a sweater underneath, and maybe a rain shell on the outside) they can be very comfortable. For a trip that ranged from 102 degrees to 25 degrees, I brought one of those jackets, a down vest, a raincoat, and a hat, gloves, and scarf and was comfortable everywhere. When it was coldest I wore two sweaters, but I was still comfortable.

Arrrgh. I use Aveeno positively radiant SPF 30 daily moisturizer. Got a great deal on a 2-pack at Costco, but after using it for a few days realized it’s SPF 15, despite exact same packaging, name etc. Will Costco let me return an opened product?

Also, strongly recommending some recent products ordered from The Ordinary especially the 30% AHA Peel. It’s incredible – a holy grail for me – skin looks instantly refreshed and after a few uses my skin tone is so much more even, my pores are cleared. One of the most effective products I have ever used. But it’s definitely really strong so be careful. Their under-eye caffeine serum is also incredible. More effective than other way more expensive eye-awakening products I’ve used (Origins, Clinique).

Finally, any recommendations for a vitamin C serum? I’ve just finished a bottle of Ole Henrickson Truth serum and didn’t see results (trying to fade brown spots – but TO chemical peel has made a difference there in only a few uses!)

Excuse me?? Falsely advertised? I don’t think so. The product change and OP didn’t notice the change. I can see how that’s an easy mistake to make, but it’s not exactly Costco’s fault. You’re going to come across as one of those bat sh ! t “let me see your manager” types if you say this.

I have had really good results from Timeless 20% Vitamin C + E Ferulic Acid Serum (which is an ingredient dupe for Skinceuticals at 20% of the cost). I got through the entire bottle without it becoming sticky or unusable and my skin feels instantly great with it on. It absorbs instantly and then I layer a moisturizer with SPF on top (either Origins or Kiehls).

Idle question of the day—what’s something small or seemingly insignificant that you’ve found has a larger-than-expected impact in your life? Example—someone recently pointed me towards Jeff Novick’s plant-based recipes. My husband and I started making them to ensure we eat more veggies and we found that we started eating more healthfully in general. Anyway, I love it when I find stuff that makes me think “why didn’t I do this sooner?” and thought I’d toss the question out to the Hive as well.

I love this question. I recently started turning the hanger around for clothes I’ve worn once but can be worn once more before washing. I basically thought I was the smartest person ever. My husband looked at me kindly and told me he has been doing that his whole life. Anyway, it has been amazing for me!

I do something similar. I mince a whole bulb of garlic at once into a glass jar, stir in some salt and olive oil and put it in the freezer. The mixture doesn’t freeze solid, so I can just spoon out what I need when I cook. Before that, I would often leave out the garlic from the recipe so as to not have to clean the mincer.
I later discovered you can buy garlic paste(duh), but this is homemade and you know what’s in it.

How do I find these Jeff Novick recipes? I did some primitive googling and an amazon search but am only finding dvds and one-off cites on cooking blogs.

For me, living in a bldg with a gym means I actually go to the gym. If I had to go outside for any length of time, I just wouldn’t make it. So from now on, I need to live in a gym building (or move to the burbs and get an elliptical)

I set out my outfit and pack my bag/lunch the night before every single day of my life. I’ve done it since I was a little kid, so it’s ingrained now, but it makes life so much easier. I tell myself I’m not allowed to change my mind about my outfit in the morning (unless there’s a major change in weather) so there’s no last minute wardrobe panic.

My 12 year old daughter’s friend, Abby, started messaging me on Instagram and I’m wondering how to handle this. Backstory:

1.) Abby is a “friend” in that she and my daughter both knew each other before the school year started, and Abby clung to my daughter from before day one. She wanted to share a locker, she wanted promises to sit together, etc.
2.) Abby seems to be incredibly insecure. My daughter gets annoyed by the amount of texts Abby sends to her, and if she doesn’t respond right away she gets a slew of “Are you mad at me?” texts the rest of the night.
3.) My daughter would like to distance herself from Abby and be friends with other kids, but Abby won’t let up. She goes to the bathroom with her, always sits by her, and pushes the other kids away.
4.) Abby isn’t the most positive person to be around. She likes to talk about how awful (or fat, or ugly) the other girls are.

Abby sent me screen shots of my daughter getting mad at her over texts; telling her to leave her alone for the night. These were followed up with, “Can you talk to your daughter and ask her if she’s mad at me?” I responded by telling Abby that my daughter doesn’t always want to text, and not to take it personally when friends seem grumpy, and to stop texting for the night and talk to her in school tomorrow. That started a series of texts from Abby where now she’s bothering ME, trying to get me to give her details about my daughter. “Is she going to school tomorrow? Is she okay? Can she come to my house for a sleepover?” I stopped responding and just put my phone down.

This morning I got, “Good morning! Ur probably at work, but remind your daughter to bring her lunch slip today!”

What is the deal with this kid? I even asked my daughter this morning what the home situation is (Does she have a mom? Is she looking for a mother figure?) but no–she has a mom/dad and lives with them both. I’m not really sure what to do here! I’ve never had a kid go to parent-level just to make someone be friends with them!

Caveat in that I am not a mom, but I would reach out to Abby’s mom and maybe say that your daughter isn’t able to text as much because of some house rules that you have and that you just wanted her to have a heads’ up that she has started reaching out to you. Keep it light and say something like, I assume the kids can manage things on their own and that if need be, they will reach out to us, but I don’t want to step on your toes as Abby’s mom.

(That way it sounds like you are just reinforcing boundaries – that kids can sort things out and if not to go to their respective parents and not friends’ parents.)

This is good advice. As a parent, this is info that parents should want to know. Not just for the texting adults (no limits) issue, but also for the overwhelming behavior issues. At twelve you can still discuss and regulate boundaries. This could also be a mental health issue that needs to be addressed.

You’re kind for wanting to help Abby. But it appears she’s not learning boundaries at home. It’s not your job to teach her boundaries (or appropriate friendship behavior), but you and your daughter should have some boundaries around interacting with Abby and enforce them. Maybe you have a no-texting-after-9-PM rule in your house that you and your daughter both follow, for example. I would probably not get into explaining why your daughter can’t text right now.

eek this girl sounds like trouble! would you consider reaching out to her mom? I would want to know if my kid was communicating directly with another parent… better to let her know than have her find out and wonder what is going on.

When Abby brought up the sleepover, I asked for her mom’s number so I could get in touch with her. I just sent a text to that number (and mentioned that Abby reached out to me and gave me her number over insta gram) but I haven’t heard back.

I think I may make the dreaded cold call tonight. Because I agree–if my daughter were contacting other kids parents over social media and trying to get them to make their kids be her friend, I would want to know!

Just be prepared for the mom to be similar to her daughter. I was in a similar situation as a kid but the other kid’s mom was a full participant. She’d call my mom and try to “brainstorm” how they could get the teacher to let me and her son sit together, etc.

This kid sounds like a future stalker. This has issues written all over it. Mom may not be responsive, kid is super clingy and probably has that insecurity/abandonment issue from somewhere. Mom may also be like a single parent working 3 jobs or something, not sure, but this has trouble written all over it. I would give your daughter parameters she can blame on you (Ie, my mom said no texting after 7 pm because we have dinner then I have homework) and if she texts you again I would respond “I’m an adult so I need to talk to your parent, I can’t respond to you directly anymore.”

I don’t think it’s a problem to text with older kids that are your kids friends (my son is 17 and if he isn’t answering and I know who he is with, I might text his friend “This is X’s mom, could you please tell him to read his texts? thx” or something like that. But when he was younger I would never have done so.

Definitely let her parents know what’s going on. It might or might not lead to changes in Abby’s behavior, so the other side you can tackle is how you and your daughter respond. Pretending there is a no-texting rule just because of this overstepping teenager seems evasive to me. It sounds like your daughter is annoyed by this girl and would actually like to have a friendgroup larger than one.
It also sounds like Abby is isolating your daughter socially. When all the other kids have been pushed away often enough, they won’t reach out to your daughter anymore, which is when Abby finally has reached perfect codependency. So I would block Abby on your facebook, and help your daughter come up with an honest way to set her boundaries.
“Abby, it’s fun hanging out with you, but I also enjoy spending time with other people. When you text me constantly and are negative towards everyone else, it feels like you are trying to control me. I don’t like that feeling. So I need you to respect that I don’t always have time for you.”
YMMV, because I am not 12 years old, and I don’t mind being a bit rude.

I am about five pounds overweight. Was 10, and I lost five, which is great, but I’ve completely plateaued. It’s not about the number on the scale; it’s about all my clothes being the slightest bit tight and not feeling comfortable in my own skin.

Things I already do:

Track every bite in LoseIt app and maintain a deficit
Work out intensely 4-5 days a week, mix of spin, running, weights, and yoga
Eat probably 85 percent foods I’ve made myself with an emphasis on vegetables, whole grains and lean meats

I’m starting to realize that I might need to either accept these five pounds or accept that I need to be hungry to lose this weight. Just seeking commiseration here. All the fixes you read about don’t work (I only drink water. I don’t eat processed foods. I calorie count and exercise religiously).

Two other factors: I’m 37 and I take sertraline (like Zoloft). Maybe age or long-term med use has something to do with it? My doctor doesn’t seem concerned. Oh, and I’m short, so the pounds REALLY show up.

I know this is such a small thing in the grand scheme of things, but just wanted to see if others have thoughts. I don’t want to eat 1600 calories a day to lose this weight, but it’s starting to seem like that’s the only answer.

first of all, congrats on losing the 5 pounds! you don’t necessarily need to go hungry to lose the weight, but it can take our bodies time to adjust to a new calorie level. you will not lose the weight quickly doing this, but maybe try one week decreasing by 50 calories, the following week another 50 etc. as opposed to trying to eat 2-300 fewer calories all at once. you could also try the whole30. losing weight is SO hard, and all that really matters is feeling comfortable in your own skin, so if losing these 5 pounds is important to you then they are worth losing, or you can switch your perspective and say that your life is still ok with those 5 pounds and maybe invest in some new clothes that make you feel good about your current weight.

You very well may need to eat less to loose it, at least if you want to do it soon. How much exercise are you doing and how much of a caloric deficit are you maintaining? I’m almost 41, do about 30 min intense exercise 5 days/week (burning 300-500 calories by my estimate), and think I was only actively loosing when I was in the neighborhood of eating 1600 calories. I’m maintaining closer to 2000. See if you can eat a little less without being hungry – I was convinced I couldn’t and then surprised myself. If you lost 5 pounds while taking zoloft that is probably not what is stopping you from losing another 5.

PS – the last 5 pounds was so much slower for me than the other 15 I lost, partly due to waning motivation on my part. It also seemed to be less gradual – no change for 3 weeks, then a 2 pound drop, etc.

That’s exactly where I am! I only notice loss when I’m eating closer to 1600, even with exercise. If I exercise and eat closer to 1800-1900, I just maintain. It makes me crazy. I just find the difference between 1600 and 1800 to be HUGE. At 1600 I have to plan every single calorie to be the most filling or I’m going insane with hunger. 1800 allows room for snacks, desserts, or mistakes. But you’re right… I haven’t gained at all, and maybe this plateau will surprise me with a little loss when I least expect it. I will try cutting back a little. Even if it takes a year, I’m fine with that.

I recently adopted a few slightly different habits that have helped me drop a few pounds I added over the past year. I eat breakfast later. I eat oatmeal for breakfast, but I wait until I’m already at work and eat it at 9:30 or 10, instead of at 7 or 7:30. Then I don’t want a mid-morning snack or early lunch. I eat an apple for my afternoon snack. If I eat an apple in the afternoon, the fiber keeps me full later and I don’t really want a post-dinner snack.

I think you just need to give it more time, and maybe try little changes here and there (like the others above mentioned). But what you’re doing is exactly what you should be doing. It will happen. (Do you do Pilates? I think they’d help with how strong your body feels.)

I just want to say I am so heartened to see a weight-loss topic where the woman in question is not starving herself or under the mistaken impression carbohydrates are “bad.” So happy. And, yes, you don’t want to eat 1600 calories a day, girl. I agree 1800 is a huge difference. Maybe sometimes even more. 2000 is okay for most of us. (I shoot for 2200 daily. Sometimes I am hungry and eat more, sometimes I am not hungry and eat less. But you do not want to put your body through the extremely low calorie diets we hear about all the time. It won’t lead to anything good.) So, you’ll lose weight, it just may take time, especially for the last 5 pounds.

I put up some weight when I had back problems and had to quit long-distance running and weight training last year. I noticed that I dropped weight mostly through diet (2k kcal/day), but I also lost most of my visible muscles from my before-back problem period.
The last few pounds are the hardest, since our bodies want to cling to the emergency fat store. When I started working out again, I had to increase (yes, increase) my calorie intake (added one protein drink) in order to have energy for the day and enough protein to rebuild muscles. And this did the trick for me.
So, consider either going further down with your calories or up. I just kniw too many friends who drastically cut their calories and messed up their metabolism and hormones, that I did not feel comfortable with cutting even more calories.

I stepped on the scale this morning and came to the realization that I think I have at least 20-30 pounds to lose, which seems almost insurmountable. I was exercising intensely and eating very clean and only lost 6 pounds in about 5 months so I gave up (and gained all that back plus about 5 pounds).

I went to the doctor and he said everything was fine. But now I have no motivation to start trying again – any tips?

It is very hard for me to loose weight without counting calories and making sure i have a deficit, even when focusing on eating healthy and exercising 5x a week. It is very easy to eat enough to offset the calorie burn. I use MyFitnessPal and like Skinnytaste.com recipes. For me, it took me several years to become willing to do this. So maybe that should be your goal right now – focusing on developing the willingness to try something different and labor intensive like tracking calories. Then once you are willing to do that, focus on building the willingness to actually reduce calories so you have a deficit, etc etc – one small step at a time.

We must ALL count our calorie’s after age 30–we simply do NOT metabolize food as much as we did when we were in college. I have learned to cut DOWN on my food portion’s even tho I LOVE food. Dad told me that I always had a large tuchus but now more then ever I MUST loose weight. You are no different. If you eat to much you will gain weight. But if you excercise regularley, you will be able to manage. You can do it. And we are all behind you in this task! YAY!!!!!

look at the Runs for Cookies blog. she has a great post on motivation vs. determination. also- maybe come up with a rewards system for yourself? I had a colleague who was trying to lose weight and each time she lost 5 pounds she got a prize that she was only allowed to get if she lost the weight. For the first 5 the reward was smaller, like a new coffee mug, but when she lost 15 pounds she got herself a purse she had been coveting.

Why do you want to lose weight? For me weight loss for its own sake was never motivating. I would focus on what you want to do if/when you lose weight. Some fitness or lifestyle goal?

You might also consider backing off on the intensity of your exercise and the cleanliness of your diet and accept that though it will take awhile, the pounds _will_ come off. It took me 3 years of gradual lifestyle changes to lose 30 pounds. But because it was so gradual 1) I never felt deprived (and still don’t) and 2) I have had very little trouble (except for a couple of hiccups) maintaining 100% of the weight loss. I also now thoroughly enjoy several much more active hobbies than I was able to when I was heavier.

As they say, you can’t outrun your fork. Download MyFitnessPal and record everything you are eating. Be as accurate as you can about the quantities. You’ll probably spot some trouble spots really quickly.

Hive – what would you do for a 30th birthday on your own? I think I’m going to take the day off work but obviously, most people will be busy, so I’ll have most of the day to kill before a family dinner to celebrate. Part of me is like “I just want to read a nice book and curl up somewhere” but that seems so lame (but maybe being 30 means being able to accept just how lame I am!)

figure out what makes you happy and then plan those things in… whether that’s sleeping in or reading a book in your worn out but favorite college hoodie, whether it’s eating ice cream for breakfast or seeing a cartoon movie. Do the things that others might think are lame or childish or silly or dumb or whatever and just enjoy them when no one else is around to deal with or listen to. Then, when it’s after work or on a weekend, get your favorite people together (if possible) or schedule catch-up phone/skype dates with your favorites throughout your week and soak in your own happiness! Happy Birthday!!

Sleeping in and reading a great book sounds awesome to me. I also enjoy pedicures because you can read while you get them. Other things I would enjoy…baking, online shopping in my PJs, playing with my dog, phone calls with faraway friends (although I’d guess they’d probably be at work then).
Beware that if you treat yourself to a drink at lunch they may see your ID and make a big deal about your birthday. That happened to me once (although I was much younger than 30… I don’t get carded anymore, ha) and the terribly rude waitress kept saying things like “You’re having lunch ALONE on your birthday!?! That’s SO sad!” and it made me feel terrible even though I had a dinner planned with friends that night. I know she was being very rude, but it’s put me off birthday plans that might require me to show ID unless I’m with other people.

This may be too late in the day to ask this, but I had been thinking a lot about a situation I just heard of. My Friend lives with her Ex, many years post-breakup because neither were financially able to live alone. She’s started getting more on her feet recently and would like to leave, but apparently (this is what I just learned) Ex has such debilitating anxiety that he is unable to care for himself alone. He won’t pay bills, buy groceries, etc. I have no doubt that anxiety is a real and harmful mental disease, but it made me wonder (please don’t eviscerate me, I’m really curious) where the line is between mental disease and needing to be a grown-up? Ex is 40+ and can’t take care of himself despite being medicated. Is this a situation where his meds just aren’t right but he should at some point be able to be self-sufficient? Or are there people for whom anxiety goes beyond that? I’d like to see my Friend happy and independent from Ex at some point but is that even in the cards for her?

Sometimes anxiety medications can contribute to the inability to be self-sufficient. If it’s a choice between panic attacks and sedation, most medical providers will go ahead and sedate you.

Some psychiatric medications can create dependencies, so that if you try to quit the medication, you are worse off than you were before you ever started taking it. (I’m not trying to just rail against psychiatric medications here, but there are reasons why the placebo group has sometimes seen better long-term recovery in studies. There are also reasons why the medications are prescribed anyhow, to be very clear!)

Some people have conditions that are medication resistant. Sometimes the effects of the medication wear off, and eventually you can run out of new meds to try.

I know that I haven’t always distinguished the effects of mental illness from character flaws until someone found the right medication and suddenly their character flaws vanished. I think sometimes people who are very sick are also very desperate for care, so a lot of “childish” behaviors kick in that seem childish mainly because many children are also desperate for care and use the same tactics to manipulate people into providing it when they’re in “survival” mode.

Your friend shouldn’t be in this position, but I really don’t know where care taking is supposed to come from!

You’re asking the wrong question. It doesn’t really matter whether this is a legit medical issue for him or if he’s a manchild. Your friend is unhappy and wants to leave. She doesn’t owe him the rest of her life just because they were once romantically involved. In fact she doesn’t really owe him anything anymore.* It would be an incredible kindness for her to have an exit strategy of some sort – alert his family about these issues, or find caregiving resources for him, or set him up with a social worker. But she has to decide for herself that she is going to walk away and he may very well end up in a pretty bad situation because she’s not around to mommy him anymore – and she will never know about it.

*If they have kids together then I think this changes the equation and she’ll have to have some continued involvement in his caregiving, even if it’s limited to periodically contacting the caregiver to make sure everything’s OK.

He’s an adult, she’s an ex. She has no responsibility for him. Make sure her name is off of everything in the shared space (utilities, lease etc…). It’s very likely that this “anxiety” is simply a leash the ex is using to keep her close because he doesn’t want her to be the ex. Get the flip out of there ASAP.

Etsy. So many independent metal smiths and bead workers. I might be your style twin and I go for lots of moonstone, labradorite, sterling silver and onyx. Flying fox arts is one of my favourite jewellers, though she’s recently moved off Etsy.

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