My Mother's strange marriage advice on the best age difference between happy men & women..

Date Posted: Sunday 20-Jun-2010

An American lady was writing to me about my recent article about love and marriage. In my reply to her I told her something that I'd mentioned recently to some of my single men friends - which got one of them thinking.

My Mother was 87 when she died, and she would from time to time give me her thoughts on love and marriage and modern men and modern women. And sometimes the things she said to me were most surprising.

These days, it appears to me many couples are of almost exactly the same age. In previous times men were almost always older than the women they married. These days I see young men dating women much older than themselves - and pretty much anyone goes out with anyone else.

I was quite stunned one day when, after much thought and reflection on her life my Mom came up with this one. My mother said that looking back on her life, the happiest couples she knew were the ones where the men were 10 - 15 years older than their wives. She mentioned this to me several times and she felt this was a good benchmark to work on.

If you look around you'll see interesting examples of this. Celine Dion for example is happily married to a balding man who is 20 years older than her. I was once chatting to a quite attractive Afrikaans girl at my work one day and she mentioned her husband. When I went to her desk I saw a photo of her with her husband and he looked about 20 years older than her.

I have a theory about male and female attractiveness. It goes like this (this is very general and I give it as a rule of thumb):-

o Women lose their attractiveness as they grow older.

o Men become more attractive with age (because a lot of their attractiveness is not bound so closely to physical appearance).

So then you often get this situation: A young couple marry, then come middle-age, the man discovers his sexuality, he dumps his wife and marries someone much younger than him. He finds he is middle-aged and he still has a lot of energy.

The solution is for him to marry someone younger at the outset.

When my older brother was in his 50's, and he'd been married by then for almost 30 years, he told me that he suddenly was finding 35 year old women hitting on him. It seemed, in his 50's he was rediscovering that he was attractive to women. He was quite delighted by it. (He remained married however! He did not run off with the 35 year olds - but he definitely did enjoy this discovery and the flirtations with them!).

My Mother firmly believed men must LEAD. Men must have EXPERIENCE which they can pass on to their wives. She firmly believed a man must TEACH his wife certain things. She never thought it should be the other way around.

She would tell me the things my dad taught her which she appreciated. Sometimes my dad made austere choices when they were young, but she respected the fact that it had turned out to be worthwhile.

My dad (in his early life at least) was a very organized fellow. My dad was pretty much perfect in many ways - until he became an alcoholic. That totally destroyed him, his life, his marriage to my mother, etc. It caused endless shame to our family and he even went to jail for things he did while he was drunk. (I saw what alcohol can do and I never drink alcohol at all - ever - alcoholism is also hereditary and just one drink too many can trigger a problem).

I have often thought about my mother's advice especially when I see how similar in age couples are these days, while at the same time, marriages just don't last. Maybe there is something to this wisdom from the past...

My husband is 15 years older than me.
We married when I was approx 25 and he was 40.

The article does make sense in some ways but there are also a lot of variables, trials and tribulations, due to the age gap that are not addressed.
Many people will scream vehemently that age doesn't matter and they personally have no issues with the age difference.
If this is true for them, congratulations.
I suspect, however, that sometimes there are quite a bit of denial or other issues at play.
I believe it does to a certain extent have much to do with the individuals but for me as the younger partner, I find myself in situations I would never be in had I married someone not quite so distance in age.
For example being mistaken for his daughter. Often.
Being at different stages of life growth and life experience can be huge as well as health. Ideally, I would say that a 10 year gap would be best as it seems to be those extra 5 years that really stir up trouble.

"[W]omen age so much more quickly than men, that a marked disparity of age at marriage, even if it amounts to fifteen years, is much more normal than the majority of people, in England at least, suppose."

"It is extraordinary that the nubile Anglo-Saxon girl will not see this, more particularly as her unwillingness to do so is purely intellectual and acquired from the false values that surround her. This is more especially so in the working classes, where an absurd superstition — it cannot be given a more dignified name — against any disparity of more than two or three years, has somehow acquired so strong a hold upon the female, that a man even ten years a girl's senior is classed as 'too old'. If only people understood how much more easily happiness and fidelity are secured for both parties to a match by a minimum of ten years' seniority in the man, the perplexity now prevailing in regard to the increasing domestic disharmony in Anglo-Saxon countries would be dispelled, and a wiser practice would be adopted" (Anthony M. Ludovici).

I remember watching the Spike Lee joint, Buncombe X, when 'dat priddy nigger', Denzel, states the the Koran says that a man should choose a wife who is half his age plus 7 years. I thought, that's actually not bad advice.

__________________Worse than a million megaHitlers all smushed together.

I certainly don't disagree with anything said, especially the part about men becoming more attractive with age.
I also failed to include that the issues that arise can easily be overcome with love, understanding and communication along with occasionally having to put one's foot down. (His, not mine, lol.)
As a young woman, I had to hit some brick walls to outgrow some nuances for sure that a much younger man would likely not have been able to break due to lack of life experience or being solid in where he is and where he stands.
I have had moments of sheer frustration, down right brattiness to be honest, testing the waters. Shame on me, I know.
I wouldn't trade him for the world but I think what bothers me in the end is that I fear losing him and becoming a widow earlier than most.
I understand that none of us are gonna make it out of here alive and any of us can go at any time and if SHTF....
I am woman though and emotional.
Think too much too.

I remember watching the Spike Lee joint, Buncombe X, when 'dat priddy nigger', Denzel, states the the Koran says that a man should choose a wife who is half his age plus 7 years. I thought, that's actually not bad advice.

Let's make a calculation based on this:

A 22 years old M would then take a 18yo W.
A 30 years old M would then take a 22yo W.
A 40 years old M would then take a 27yo W.
A 50 years old M would then take a 32yo W.
A 60 years old M would then take a 37yo W.

You are right, yet no reason to convert.

Quote:

"My own particular tragedy is that, as Head of the State, I always have the most worthy ladies as my dinner partners! I'd far rather go on board of the Robert Ley and pick out some pretty little typist or sales-girl as my partner!" - Hitler about banquets

A 22 years old M would then take a 18yo W.
A 30 years old M would then take a 22yo W.
A 40 years old M would then take a 27yo W.
A 50 years old M would then take a 32yo W.
A 60 years old M would then take a 37yo W.

You are right, yet no reason to convert.

I think at sixty I'd be inclined to want a woman past her child bearing years.I'd be somewhat leery of a 37 year old woman because,to be frank,I'd rather be spending part of my time with grand children rather than all of my time with children.

__________________Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

I always thought the "1/2 plus 7" rule was good to use. So I would date someone who is 18+; that sounds right to me. Well actually I can't go legally lower than that. (AOC is 16 where I live.)

I can attest to looking better as you get older. I think I look a lot better than I did when I was 17, since my beard has developed (a lot more) and my jaw is noticeably squarer, not to mention the lines on my face give me a more "defined" look; I can easily see why women would be attracted to someone older especially when you take personality into account.

I have been friends with a guy who is nearly 20 years older than me for a long time (late teen years). I have known forever that he likes me as much more than a friend and I have tried to date him and see how things go. We always have a lot of fun together and despite the age difference we have a lot in common, even politically. The age thing though is something I have never been able to get past. He is only a few years younger than my dad and that seems extremely odd and a little disturbing to me. I do also like guys who are a little older than me but within reason (5-10 years). And this only happened when I turned about 25, before that I wanted a male who was no more than a few years older than me.

Two people from two different generations just does not seem like something that is going to work out too well. Slightly older male/younger woman is fine, maybe even a positive. Much older male/younger woman. Fail.

No, most relationships work best when the two involved are close in age, and thus, close in interests, history, experiences, etc. It's always been this way and always will be.

Old men and young women is just another silly male fantasy. It's no more natural for old men to be with young women than it is for older women to be with young men. It might be fun or interesting in the short term, but sooner than later, the differences will become obvious and things will become strained. I've seen it happen plenty of times.

Now, there are certainly rare exceptions, but what I am saying generally holds true across the board.

And isn't it funny that most of the examples of old men and young women are rich old men and rather shallow, materialistic young women who seem to enjoy the lavish lifestyle bestowed upon them by their old fart?

Fantasize all you want to fellas, but after sex, when the sweet young thang starts to talk like a nigger, act like a nigger, wants to listen to nigger noise, tell me where the attraction is then?

One of the joys of meeting and talking with a male who is near my age nowadays is how we have so much in common about how things used to be, before this country was fucked up. How in the world could I have this conversation with some young stud who doesn't know anything before about 1985 or so?

But then, a lot of people live very shallow lives with little or no real meaning.