Well, I got through Christmas. We didn’t have anything Christmas related here because of varying religions and also people often have tragic memories or views pertaining to Christmas. The facility was decorated with generic seasonal stuff, mostly snowmen and Wintry things. I could have gotten out on a pass to see family, but I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone. It’s one of the main reasons why I’m in here. I did not want to celebrate Christmas when it would have been Valentina’s first. I had already gotten her some presents. She and Gary Oldman (II) are the only ones I bought for prior to all this. I would have gotten other people things, but it was still early yet. I’m kind of a procrastinator shopper, but I do put a lot of thought into gifts. When I get out, I don’t want presents. I want to forget that Christmas occurred at all. That will defeat my purpose. Maybe it’s avoidance, but I don’t want to face it. I told Pete to tell everyone to return anything that they got for me. I know he understands and that he will. My parents will have a hard time with that though. I understand. In their own way, they have to mourn me as a result of my mourning of Valentina. When does grief become selfish? Is it selfish of me to deny them the holiday with their son, in order to spare myself the grief of the death of my baby so close to Christmas? Pete will talk to them, and hopefully they understand. Maybe if they want to give me stuff, they can save it for my birthday or they can just unwrap it and give it to me little by little randomly throughout the year. I think I’d be ok with that, even though deep down inside I’d know they were Christmas gifts. That’s the best I can do to compromise.

Speaking of Gary Oldman (II), I miss her a lot. I’m beginning to want to get out just to see her. I feel awful that I’ve abandoned her. Maybe she will hate me. I think I will get out after New Year’s, because I really need to see her. However, then I will feel guilty about abandoning Bogart. I miss Howard too actually. And I miss my harmonica. I was thinking about something the other day. I realized that there is so much media in the world today, online and everything’s reported on the news. Little stories that are simple events in peoples’ lives, but have some kind of impact as a result. Back in the day, these events were experienced by people, and they’d share the stories through word of mouth, passed down from person to person. Someone would experience something cool and just tell it repeatedly. They’d live their lives and as they got older, the story would become one of those great moments in their lives that would never be forgotten. It would become a part of them. Then, people who are Howard’s age, would encounter new people in life, like Howard encountered me. And they share these stories that aren’t on the internet and have never been heard before, it only comes straight from the source. There’s an incredible value in that, I think. The world can benefit from hearing these things via internet, but something’s lacking when 100s of people are sharing the stories on Facebook. It’s not personal, it seems less real, less intimate. It seems like people just wanting their fifteen minutes of fame, so it seems less genuine. They get sponsors and donors and college funds and publicity. That’s not the same. Not the same at all. They get rewarded beyond their own internalization of the events. Rewarded for living life. Because life is just filled with random good and bad things. Shit happens to everyone. Some people make it global knowledge. Others keep it amongst their intimate circle of friends. I like Howard’s stories. I like how pure they are, how genuine and raw. I’m not a huge fan of the internet and Facebook and all that stuff anyway. I’m kind of a retro guy. This is why I don’t include any of it in my novel I’m writing. And I can share some of my stories through Amon-Re, which is a disguise in a way, but comfortable for me. It’s complex and there’s some irony in that I’m sure. But I prefer it to sharing my daily activities on Facebook. It’ll go in my writing, or in my journal, and that’s that.

Regarding Bogart, he’s going to continue getting the treatment three days per week for 6 weeks. Then to prevent recurrence, he will get it once per week. If they are fully effective, he might get out after the 6 weeks, and receive the treatments on an outpatient basis. That depends on why he’s here though. He told me he believes he committed a crime, but he’s confused about the circumstances. Clearly, whatever he did, he was not mentally capable of making proper decisions, which is another reason why his mother is his guardian when he’s 22 years old. In that way, he’s kind of not accountable. He’s the kind to physically assault someone without being aware that it’s a bad thing, or understand consequences of the effects of that for himself or the victim.

Anyway, I actually think the treatments are working. He agrees and says they aren’t as bad as he feared they would be. He says he feels like crap for several hours after, and not quite himself for the rest of the day. But the next day he feels normal, and he is definitely becoming less manic, less distracted, and he says the voices have gone away. He still has his quirks, and he is still socially inept in many ways. But I think that’s because his disorder prevented him from learning how to have social skills, prevented him from being human. If he gets out eventually, I wonder if I’ll ever see him again. I kind of want to. I kind of feel like adopting him in some figurative way. But I don’t know how possible that is. I can’t foresee how the treatments will work and what he would be like outside of the institution, or how I could just live a normal life without having to be on top of his activities 24 hours per day. I mean, would he be dangerous for Gary Oldman (II)? I know for a fact he’d never hurt her intentionally, but I wouldn’t put it past him to cause her some injury because of something stupid he might do, some careless thing that he’s clueless about. Again, ignorant of consequences or common sense. He has no common sense whatsoever. He needs social skills training. I just decided that. And I’ve been doing that in terms of Kendall Goth Girl. But Bogart’s sex life and approach to girls and getting laid is a whole other story. Let’s just say that if it weren’t for his looks and his accent, I don’t think his approach would otherwise get him very far.

The theme song for this journal entry is “Basket Case” by Green Day, because it’s so relevant for so many reasons, and because old school Green Day is fucking awesome.

For a chronological list of links to all the journal entries, refer to the Journal Entries Index Pagehttp://wp.me/P41c99-J

For posts that aren’t journal entries, feel free to explore the Categories in the left side bar or the other pages above, including the Character Directories which list the posts each character is mentioned in.

“When does grief become selfish?” > Grief becomes or already is a little bit selfish?

“Is it selfish of me to deny them the holiday with their son, in order to spare myself the grief of the death of my baby so close to Christmas?” > I don’t think it is about being selfish or not. Everybody needs some time to digest their own grief. Sometimes, to some people, the process is faster, but to others it is slower.

I agree with that, but it’s hard to feel that way when you’re grieving, because it can feel very self absorbed, so that perspective is coming from Grimm’s experience, and less from my objective opinion of it ;)