This Man ‘Running’ From Miami To Bermuda In A Giant Plastic Ball Is Probably A Metaphor For Something

Sometimes all a man needs is to get out on the open sea and feel the wind blow through the ripples of his terrifying hamster ball. At least that’s what the long-distance runner and delusional lone-ranger Reza Baluchi has been attempting through what he calls “bubble running,” an activity where he attempts to travel long oceanic distances by running inside a “Hydro-pod” while eating granola bars. Honestly, this is the kind of bat-shit American dream I’ve been longing to hear about.

According to his website RunWithReza, the bubble-running dreamer made plans to travel a whole fucking 1,033 miles (an estimated 5 months at sea), so that he could “raise money for children in need that have lost hope for a better future.” His planned route was to “run” from Florida to Bermuda with stops in Puerto Rico, Haiti and Cuba before returning to Florida, where it all began. However, when the Coast Guard caught wind of his absurd plans, they immediately issued orders that he not go through with the trip, due to its obvious safety hazards. His proposed survival menu of tuna, seawater poured through a Brita filter, protein bars, Gatorade and chewing gum don’t exactly scream “5-month sea voyage” to me; the “hand-Designed ultimate life jacket” he mentioned on his site even less so. The Coast Guard agrees!

Despite the fact that the Coast Guard issued this very blatant warning letter on April 15th telling Reza they would terminate his journey for safety reasons, he still set out on his journey on Friday, this time with a secured support boat and a lot of hubris in hopes that would keep them off his back.

Luckily for his own at-risk life, and the sanity of anyone who might find themselves doubting their perceptions of reality after spotting him in his hydropod, the Coast Guard swooped in Sunday and plucked him from the sea.

#BreakingNews: HydroPod voyage from Miami to Bermuda had recently been determined to be manifestly unsafe.

Apparently this isn’t the first time the Coast Guard has been forced to intervene in Baluchi’s Hydropod related whimsy. Back in 2014, the Coast Guard received calls reporting “a disoriented man in a bubble off the coast of Miami, who was asking for directions to Bermuda.” Incredibly enough, our bubble-running hero had apparently neither packed a map or a compass and was in desperate need of GPS when he was rescued in 2014. I’m sure the recent memory of this didn’t cement the Coast Guard’s faith in his ability to use logic or keep himself safe, that and the fact that it cost $144,000 to save him the first time around.

As much as I hope the Coast Guard can catch their breath, I’d be lying if I denied harboring a perverse hope that this hamster wheel man will attempt another outlandish trip. After all, he’s still gotta sprinkle ashes from ground zero in each ocean.