!!Warning!! While the following riff contains no coercion for sex or explicit sex, it doles out some outrageous levels inflammatory content. If seeing shitty sexist people handling women in a shitty sexist way is something that gets you really miffed, you will want to skip the entire latter half of this riff. Additionally, if you love fluffy tails, the Sledgehammers of Punishment will be complimentary after I’m finished.

Abrelepine: Fluffy tails?

Pontiff Sulyvahn: Please don’t tell me my fears will be realized now.

Yeah. I’m very sorry. Will you be okay? I don’t mind if you sit this one out.

Pontiff Sulyvahn: I will not allow this work of literary rubbish to break my will.

Alright. Welcome to the next thrilling instalment of The Savior! A fic that proves that no matter how bad a badfic is, it can always get worse. When we last left off, Savior Stu sexed two of the Daughters of Chaos, making sure to rub his oh so strong, masculine manliness in Quelaan’s face in a bout of unadulterated character assassination. He then took on Sen’s Fortress, proving that no feat of heroism is too great for our intrepid Stu as he cleared the entire map in one sentence, then left another beloved Dark Souls icon in the dust and used the mighty Sword of Pretentious Name to one-shot the Iron Golem when his Necromancer Bolt (Do not steal) somehow failed to down the boss.

And… actually that’s it. Honestly it’s astonishing I can juice so much content out of this fucker because 99% of the story threads through the treacherous depths of the Formless Void and is so bare-bones everything it’s a miracle there’s a plot at all.

And what better way to end the year than with a Reader fic! And it’s from Five Nights at Freddy’s!

:crickets chirp:

Too bad, I’m doing it any way. I took one look at the summary and knew this would be perfect for me.

this is a mangle x reader this is where you get with mangle yes mangle is a male in this and so is the reader yes it is yaoi please enjoy my story

…I know, I have questionable tastes in literature.

There has been quite a bit of debate among the FNAF fandom as to whether or not Mangle is male or female – very vitriolic debates in some corners of the Intertubez – to the point where the series creator, Scott Cawthorn, actually had to address the issue personally;

“OK. People have been asking me about Mangle’s gender for almost a year now, and I think it’s time that I finally answer the burning question about whether Mangle is a boy or a girl, so that this community can finally put the matter behind them. The answer is- Yes.“

I can’t really understand why anyone would be able to assign a gender to something that looks like this;

Especially since, as a robot, Mangle’s gender would be a matter of personal choice (assuming he/she/they/it is self-aware) anyway. Still, the idea of a non-binary character in a well-received work is pretty fantastic. Since the author of this fic is insisting that Mangle is male, I’ll be using male pronouns to refer to him.

(YOUR POV.)

:headdesk:

Great, a POV Tag. Why does a Reader fic, which are usually written in the second-person need a POV Tag? At least the author used the correct form of your/you’re for it.

:looks down:

And ninety percent of the fic is in bold and italics. :eye-twitch: Swell.

This section of the riff contains potential flamebait in the form of relatively in-depth discussion of military sexual assault. Because we really needed to read Space Twilight’s hamhanded attempts to deal with that again…

Hello hello, all you patrons!

“We return once again with another chapter of Love of a Spartan. When we left off last session, the-”

AmyXFuck-Shit OTP!

“… as I was saying, we watched as the Marines-”

AmyXFuck-Shit OTP!!!!!! *Jumps up and down.*

“Ok, that’s it.*fires a few plasma-pistol rounds into the control room soda machine* No more caffeine for you.”

… Fine.

“So, yes, what my annoyingly irrepressible colleague here is trying to tell you was that last chapter featured the beginning of a beautiful pair-bond between Amy Smythe the Worthless Marine and Fuck-Shit the Giant, Freakish, and Equally Worthless Elite. He wandered into the UNSC base camp to grab a ration pack filled with pepperoni, she took it upon herself to save him from immediate detection by deliberately removing the numerous physical traces of his arrival that he left behind, and they indulged in a brief but sexually-charged conversation.”

Oh, and I guess there was a lot of other stuff about the Marines setting up their base of operations completely unguarded, Edward-117 meeting the other two Spartans and their turning out to be relatively normal, and Troy Fisher trying to kiss Renee Kilburn due to what I can only explain as a spasm-inducing brain injury and getting punched in the nose for his trouble. But who cares about that?

Heyo, patrons! Welcome back to this year’s holiday-of-choice special! With me again is Crunchy.

“Ahem.”

I am not using your full title.

“Fine, then you can do the recap yourself.”

Fair enough. Last time we met Jasmine Kenobi, our resident author-insertion Sue. Jasmine is a Jedi knight, S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, and the top street fighter of Tatooine. Last time, she spent some time agonizing over what to buy for her babies before the scene shifted over to her padawan,T’mir, getting hassled by Scottie and Chekov while trying to purchase a window. After that, we cut up to the bridge of the Enterprise as Kirk embraces the life of the intergalactic voyer and continues the crusade against T’mir by spying on her in her room. Spock acts all mysterious for about three sentences before it’s dropped that T’mir is his cousin.

So, Spock goes down to visit his cousin, and is promptly interrupted by a baby, Ashoka, and one of the infants. Everyone banters for a few sentences before the baby and Ashoka leave to be quickly replaced by Elaine Kirk and Clone Trooper Jesse. Which apparently was supposed to be a cliff hanger because the chapter ends abruptly after she introduces herself.

Ert: Thank God, I think we’ll finally be able to finish up this chapter. Only took us the better part of two months.

Nora: It’s been a long ass road, and not one I’m certain we should’ve walked.

Goeth: If we ever go back to this, Ert has been thinking about doing the a Harry Potter fanfic (Might as well round off our rifting careers with some good old Ron the Death Eater) but we need to check potential works to make sure we don’t get bored to death halfway through.

Ert: Anyway, Link and Jenna proved that they couldn’t be allowed off on their own and got drunk while they were supposed to be on an important mission and Jenna was pregnant.

When I awoke the next morning my head felt like I had been hit with a heavy piece of wood.

Ert: *Hides 2×4 behind his back*

Painfully I lifted my head up and saw Link already up and dressing. Struggling to get up, I managed to sit up on the side of the bed, my head swimming with the after effects of the Griffin Spice.

Nora: She saw armies marching across the galaxy in a bloody jihad, screaming “Muad’Dib! Muad’Dib!”

*sigh* This chapter is NSFW. I can’t believe I had to put this up here… seriously. I didn’t see this coming.

*Lyle flounches into her office, a brightly colored Play-Skool style rotary phone in her hands. She plomps it down on her desk at the same instant she drops into her chair*

Merry Winter Holiday of Your Choice! I think the last time I counted, there are at least… uhm… *ticks off fingers and mutters under her breath* Christmas, Hanukkah, Festivus, Saturnalia, Winter Solstice, sometimes Eid Al-Adha depending on how the calendar falls… this year it was in September, though, but I’m still counting it because it’ll eventually be in December again…. Yule, Kwanzaa…

Well, you get the picture. Winter is a time when things are cold as hell and people need a reason to celebrate. Almost every culture has a winter holiday. So whichever you observe, I hope it was fantabulous.

*glances out the still-open door*

You coming?

Koori: *drags an anvil into the room* What the hell, Miss Lyle? What are we even going to use this for?

I’m sure something will come up. For now, stick it next to my desk. I’ll put my new phone on it.

Koori: Why didn’t you ask Lina to carry this? She’s the one with super-human vampire strength!

I promised your dads that I’d make sure you kept up with your training. This is good for you. Now, less talk, more anvil Feng-shui.

Now, while Koori gets that into place, let’s get on with today’s riff. Last time, Sonic received a very peculiar fortune cookie that told him he’d be happy if he finally confessed his lust for Tails, but he totally misinterpreted the message and instead had Tails help him to help Espio get ready to have sex with Rogue. To do this, they gave Espio an invisibility… hat. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.