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The week before Christmas my wife and were generally perusing our Netflix stream and scrolled across Fireplace for Your Home.
"What is this?" she asked.

"I dunno. Turn it on. But I think it's one of those fake ass digital fireplaces."

We were right. 3 episodes. Each an hour long. One with Christmas music, One with other generic elevator music, and the last one with only the sounds of the crackling wood as the backdrop. That was a few weeks ago. We watched portions of each one and made jokes accordingly. Tonight, we came across a brand new title - Fireplace for Your Home: Brichwood Edition.

Original Fake Fireplace

Birchwood Fake Fireplace

This time we only had questions. A lot of questions.

Who specifically are funding these fake fireplace productions?

Why are there new editions of the fake fireplace?

Why is our son requesting to watch these?

Who chooses the music backdrop?

Why do the subtitles work? [crackling]

Did Netflix intend to produce this, or did someone sell this to Netflix?

Who is George Ford?

Can he teach me how to make more money in my life?

Is George Ford a genius?

Is Netflix the devil we've allowed into our homes with open arms?

What are we doing wrong with our lives?

Why didn't our guidance counselor know this was a viable career path for a human?

Why have we seen all the episodes?

Why did the fake fireplace make our Christmas more special by being the backdrop of our present unwrappings?

Does watching all episodes qualify as the most caucasian thing our family has ever participated in?

Why do we prefer the Birchwood version?

Why do we have a preference at all?

Do we like the fireplace?

Can we admit that in public?

Did we just admit it in public?

What the hell is happening in 2016?

My wife and I had more questions as we let the glow from our digital fireplace wash our home in warm flickering light, but it's late, and it's time to put the fire out so we can take our confused asses to bed.