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Kneeling at the altar that is iPhone 4Like most people with no lives and an unhealthy fetish for Apple products, I was up past midnight waiting for Steve Jobs to talk about the iPhone 4.0 at WWDC 2010. Given that Singapore is not exactly in the timezone of the United States of America, this meant that I was essentially spending a good four hours of my night staring at the blog of a gadget site as they relayed live Steve's every word.

Here are some of the things I learned about the iPhone 4. Please note that some of the facts and details may be slightly off, due to a combination of lack of sleep, my rose-colored Apple Reality Distortion Field glasses and copious amounts of a probably illegal energy drink.

The new iPhone 4 is the thinnest smartphone on the planet, and it can help make you thinner too.

The new iPhone 4 can make you thinner AND restore your hair.

The new iPhone 4 has size 38DD breasts and they are real.

The new iPhone 4 sold 5 million iBooks and wrote half of them all by itself.

The new iPhone 4 will play Farmville for you. With a real farm.

The new iPhone 4 paid a billion dollars to developers. In small, unmarked bills.

The new iPhone 4 is made from glass with optical quality, scratch resistance and the ability to bend time.

The new iPhone 4 has a Home button and pressing it will cause a fully furnished semi-detached house to appear before your eyes.

The new iPhone 4 has an adamantium steel band as part of its structure and is integrated with retractable claws which also double as an antenna system.

The new iPhone 4 can heal itself instantly should it be dropped or hurt in battles against evil mutant forces.

The new iPhone 4 has a Retina Display, with four times the number of pixels per inch, 326 pixels to be exact, and can be used to surgically replace your eye.

The new iPhone 4 display is so crisp and sharp, serif fonts will become sans serif.

The new iPhone 4 display is so precise and clear that it is the only display you can see from space.

The new iPhone 4 creates its own Internet if there is none.

The new iPhone 4 will, without any extra work, make developers' apps look better and their makers get more sex.

The new iPhone 4 has an A4-sized chip designed by Apple, which was then shrunk by lasers to fit into the tiny body.

The new iPhone 4 is packed to the gills and can breathe underwater.

The new iPhone 4 has two mics, one to pick up your voice and the other to pick up your thoughts.

The new iPhone 4 has an improved Lithium Ion battery that gives you seven hours of talk time, 10 hours of music and 300 hours of Thai massage.

The new iPhone 4 is arsenic-, BFR-, mercury-, and PVC- free, and can also clean up BP's oil spill all by itself.

The new iPhone 4 has a three-axis gyroscope that can create its own gravity.

The new iPhone 4 can cure cancer with its radiation.

The new iPhone 4 has a front-facing camera that can look into your soul.

The new iPhone 4 has a backside illuminated sensor in its camera that can capture photons of light and make them its sex slaves.

The new iPhone 4 will not just shoot and edit HD video, it will write your screenplay for you.

The new iPhone 4 and its iMovie was used to make all the 3D effects in James Cameron's Avatar.

The new iPhone 4 is so awesome that the word "phone" was removed from its name.

The new iPhone 4 steals yet another name from Cisco because it just feels like doing it.

The new iPhone 4 runs on HTML5 and is already writing HTML6.

The new iPhone 4 has in-app ads and they are considered a feature.

The new iPhone 4 can give birth to kittens while remaining invisible to anti-aircraft radar.

The new iPhone 4 has a video conferencing feature that can work across intergalactic space, as long as you have WiFi (3G not supported at this time).

The new iPhone 4 will be available in Singapore in July, which is just in time for you to buy it for this author's birthday.

Editor's Note: Say What? with Singapore's mrbrown is a regular CNNGo column by Singapore blogger, mrbrown. The self-declared "accidental author" of the hugely popular mrbrown.com website, he's been documenting and commenting on the dysfunctional side of Singapore life since 1997. Visit his website at www.mrbrown.com.