Path 2

Special Rip-Off Edicion

October 3, 2006

Dear Mexican: How can you explain the disparity between Japan and Mexico? Japan is a nation a fraction the size of Mexico, with zero natural resources, suffered a devastating war of four years that included two atom bombs, yet has reached the highest in educational achievements, technological advancements, and economic power. Then there is Mexico: a much larger nation that has suffered no wars since the Revolution, is rich in natural resources and hard-working people, next door to the most powerful nation in the world but its only achievement is becoming the most corrupt nation in the Western Hemisphere and digging drug tunnels into the U.S. What say you? – Love that Low-Priced Lettuce

Dear Gabacho: Mexico isn’t the most corrupt nation in the Western Hemisphere—that dishonor falls to Haiti, according to Transparency International’s 2005 Global Corruption Index (Guatemala wasn’t too far behind). As for your question, the answer is obvious—the United States. America was gracious enough to rebuild Japan after smashing it during World War II and implemented democracy, capitalism, and most-favored-nation trading status; Japan prospered as a result. America, meanwhile, never had the decency to invade Mexico (stealing half of the country doesn’t count), ensuring that the country remains a de facto feudal state. But regardless of which country makes better use of its resources, the outcome is the same for los Estados Unidos: Japan responded to our charity by flooding us with cheap products that spelled the doom of the gabacho working man; Mexico responded to our negligence by flooding us with cheap labor that spelled the doom of the gabacho working man.

It seems Mexican women always serve their husbands and fathers at dinner time. I’ve never seen my grandfather get up to fix himself a plate of food nor grab his own beer. Can I look forward to this treatment when I’m married with children? – Everyone’s Favorite Primo

Dear Wab: You betcha. Women feeding their menfolk is as fundamental to femininity as menstruation. This instinct starts at breastfeeding and ceases only when ladies ignore their biological determinism and get a job—or hire a Mexican housekeeper. Even then, Mexican women find the time to fatten their families—my mami packed tomatoes from dawn to dusk for over 25 years yet she never missed a meal. So you can definitely expect the king’s treatment from your mujer, but why would you want that? Women are also programmed to appreciate and reciprocate any signs of affection, and let me tell you Primo: a couple of unexpected dinners here and there—even if all you do is cook a cucumber quesadilla and then wash the dishes—will go a long way in the sack.

Dear Readers: A couple of Cubans took issue with my Sept. 14 characterization of their community as arriving on “our golden shores with money in their pockets and government handouts to help them adjust.” I’m not going to publish the remarks since this is ¡Ask a Mexican!, not “Ask a Coño,” but I will give a shout out to reader Henry Gómez of Florida. Henry loves the Mexican so mucho he recently started “Ask a Cuban-American” at his blog, cubanamericanpundits.com. If you plan to rip me off in the future or are already doing so, let me know and I’ll give you a plug!

Got a spicy question about Mexicans? Ask the Mexican at garellano@ocweekly.com. And those of you who do submit questions: include a hilarious pseudonym, por favor, or we’ll make one up for you!