Wolverine vs Wonder Woman

In celebration of the new Wolverine Origins movie, we thought we’d take a moment to write our own little story about a chance encounter between Wonder Woman and Wolverine. It was submitted by one of our new interns. Let us know if we should keep the guy or let him go.

Wolverine vs Wonder Woman

Ever since 1959, when the 14th Dalai Lama fled Tibet, it’s been an invitation for Hydra forces to come in and set up shop amidst the confusion and contested powers between China and India. It’s been three weeks since I’ve stumbled on a trail of (now dead) Hydra troops that led me to Leh, a po-dunk, back-water, dirt-hole of a town in a tucked away corner of Tibet, now India. Keep ‘em poor and they’re easy to overrun.

Aside from an infuriating 12-hour taxi drive that would have tried a friggin’ Tibetan Monk’s patience, I also had to deal with a lack of public restrooms the entire trip. That, and the fact that the roadside tea houses didn’t serve any beer or sake had me itchin’ for a scrap with some Hydra goons.

Hydra scent was easy enough to follow, since they continued to live off burgers and “freedom fries,” while the locals ate their spicy momos-dumpling stew with noodles. The burger diet made the Hydra stench stand out like a frigging sore thumb though, but I can’t blame the Hydra lemmings too much, those momos-dumplings are damn good, but they’re hell on the colon, even my healing factor can’t stand up against the Indian version of Montezuma’s revenge. Another reason why I was madder than a wet hen when I got out of that damn cab.

After interrogating a local goat butcher, who had three Hydra goons in the back room, the trail led me to Pangong Lake. It’s one of those freezing, high altitude ponds that nobody in their right mind has any business visiting. Just like this little town, little lake Pangong sits right on the border of China and India, convenient location between two countries that could care less. Hydra works the locals, keeping under the Avenger’s radar while they can still build their operations undetected.

Three hours of walking around the frozen lake paid off with lady luck unfolding a hidden doorway into the mountain. It’d be just like Frodo and Gandalf, right before having their clocks cleaned in Mordor, except here I got me at least six guards with AKs, all with their thumbs up their butts. Looks like it’s their lunch break, since there’s a local Tibetan boy delivering pepperoni pizza. hrmm… I could go for some of that right now. I wonder if they got any calzone too. Friggin’ colon’s killing me, need to speed this up and use whatever toilet they got inside.

Nothing makes an irritable bowel feel better than taking out a bunch of Hydra pukes…that and a pepperoni pizza. After the delivery boy leaves, I creep up and make the drop on them from the rock ledge above their heads.

“Is that pizza I smell, Bub!?”

They’re taken completely off guard. The closest one, with both hands busy shoveling a slice of pizza into his pie hole wets himself. He’s also the first to go. I kick into gear, no need in letting them have a chance to alert their backup. I take out two more while the others scramble to grab their weapons, that are stupidly leaning up against a far wall. They’re all gonners in no time. I might be the best at killing, but only a psychopath enjoys it. I only partially enjoy it when I know they’re guilty as sin. And these hooded pukes are guiltier than a dirty politician in Chicago.

After taking out the Hydra pukes, I grab their pizza box, bingo… calzone… mmmmm, and head towards the control panel that opens the steel doors, seeing if I can spot a john anywhere close by. I push the big green button, when suddenly a freight train connects with the back of my skull slamming me against the doors.

Nobody told me Hulk was anywhere near Tibet.

I must have blacked out, I never black out, because I’m now on my back, expecting to see the Hulk standing over me, eating my pizza. Instead, what I see is a tall glass of water, near close to six foot, perfectly proportioned, brunette wearing some star spangled swim trunks red boots and red corset, the kind you see in those lingerie magazines…. probably a D cup. Hulk’s no where to be seen. I must be losing my touch to let a girl in skives get the drop on me. Definitely has powers. …. Good!

I drag myself to my feet, giving my system time to heal the internal bleeding in my cerebellum.

I take it you’re the dame who hit me! Making me drop my calzone! Looks like Papa’s gonna spank if you try it again, sister.”

“You just murdered eight men. None of them fired their weapons, hardly a case of self-defense. I’m delivering you to the local authorities so you can stand trial.”

“Who the hell are you? Mother Teresa? .. Or a Hooker, judgin’by that skimpy lil’…”

I didn’t even see the next punch coming; yeah… she was that fast. It wasn’t even a punch, she actually mule kicked me in the throat. Nobody mule kicks me in the throat and lives to tell about it. Hydra can wait cause this stripper’s just royally pissed me off and opened a whole case of whoop-ass!

“Listen sister!” I barely get the words out, as I’m trying to heal my throat from her kick, Jesus that hurt… and I thought I knew pain. “These bubs are mindless savages… they’re Hydra. Look at their uniforms. What Tibetan rock’ve you been sitting under to not even know the bad guys when you see them? So step back and go get a manicure or brow waxin’ I have work to do.”

I grab a slice of pepperoni, tuck the pizza box under my other arm and turn to head into the Hydra complex, still rubbing my throat, hoping my larynx isn’t permanently damaged. Gotta remember to see Doc Strange when I get back. Clock’s still ticking, and my colon’s screamin’ louder. Better locate the restroom before dropping the bomb… Hehe, I’ll be dropping a bomb here in a second if I don’t find that restroom quick. Not a good first impression to leave on some doo-gooder-hero-wannabe, especially since she’s pretty cute.

The freight train comes around for a second pass. Lucky me.

I wake up 200 feet in the Hydra complex, spilling a red Folgers coffee can, that the local Hydra goons were using as a spittoon, all over my outfit. Gross! I hate other bub’s chew spooge. I lose it. Everything goes RED! Looks like big sis is getting a Logan spankin’ after all!

I draw down, “SNIKT!” and lunge for li’l princess’s throat. Whoever she is, she’s more than proved she can take care of herself, which means, as Ben would say, “It’s Clobberin’ Time!” But I don’t clobber ‘em. I bleed ‘em. Tall dark and dangerous is goin’ down! First her, then Hydra, then I finish my friggin’ pizza before it gets cold. … on second thought.. first her, then the john, then Hydra.

= = =

Wonder Woman vs Wolverine

And to think, my meditation in the Tibetan monastery was to relax my nerves, and calm my spirit, I find another masked fiend in such close proximity. I’ve never seen someone so bloodthirsty. This little man just murdered eight men with claws that extend from his wrists. And after taking two of my own punches, he manages to still charge at me… and is that chewed tobacco spit on his face? Gross!

He attacks with a ferocity unlike any I’ve encountered before…. such speed… obviously an agent of Ares.

He swings at me with his claws in a maelstrom of sharpened death. I block the first three dozen of his strikes, but I was not fast enough to evade his 37th as one of his claws grazed my arm, actually slicing through my flesh. It is a specially honed blade, indeed, to cut into my skin. I’d best be extremely wary of this one. I continue to block the rest of this feral creature’s assaults, deflecting with my bracers; having been wrought from Zeus’s shield, by Hephaestus himself, they are indestructible.

He is a tenacious little fiend, I’ll grant him that, a veritable animal… not unlike a wild… rabid badger. By Hera! He is causing me to loose ground, forcing me back with his tsunami of attacks! I need to end this now!

I dodge seven more swipes, feint a strike to set him up, and with the speed of Hermes I quickly secure both his wrists, careful to avoid his blades, and follow through with a kick to his chest, a strong one this time. My aim and force are off as I only meant to send him back a hundred feet, I accidentally vault him high into the air… really high. During his decent, I unleash my Lariat of Hestia, also forged by god-friend Hephaestus, of Gaea’s golden girdle, and lasso the little troll securely, giving a strong pull, forcing his decent at breakneck speed, right into my final punch. I believe Hercules referred to it as a “hay-maker.”

Hail Hydra

He screams in rage as he approaches Earth at astonishing speed. I strike him with a terrific right cross as he sails into the air yet again. By the gods, he has a skull that is beyond dense. I have already broken three nails! I pull on my lariat once again, reeling him in, not unlike an Earth child’s toy paddle and ball. This time, I back hand him with a blow that would have felled an oak, saving my nails in the process, yet still stinging my own hand greatly. By HERA, he must have a jaw of metal…I nearly broke my fingers on that last blow!

My last strike flings the mongrel into the complex yet again, setting off the alarms. More masked men come from deep within within the chamber as I approach.

I yell at them to stay put and not proceed further or they will be harmed. I need to find out what is really going on and if this masked creetin’s words are true or not.

The green clad men respond by opening fire on me with their assault weapons. The little badger was true to his word, these men are up to no good and need to be put down fast. I begin the ritual of deflecting their bullets.

“15Wolverine“

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23 Responses to “Wolverine vs Wonder Woman”

Not bad. The story kept my attention and was well written. I would like to read more. What happened after Hydra flooded the chamber with weapons drawn? Did Wolverine ever get pay back on Wonder Woman? Who eventually ate that pizza?

I like the matchup, and as much as I like logan, no way he takes Diana down. She’s way too strong and way too fast, she’s fought Superman when he was crazed and though she lost still she put up a very good fight having him on the ropes. Logan cant win it unless he takes her by surprise when she’s facing the hydra.

I think he could be a good article writer, but without practice and knowledge of his subject matter, “your new intern” should stick to… not story writing. Especially about characters he knows nothing about. I enjoyed the attempt, and the humor. I do have to say however, what he put into the story as knowledge of the subject matter could be gleaned from a ten minuted google search.
Logan has an attitude and says bub alot, is grough and has adamantium claws. He would not be talking about Frodo and Gandalf, he would not be running on about his bowels, he would not be surprised or have any problem with being bested by a ‘girl,’ he may certainly toss out a comment meant to get a rise out of an opponant that might target their sex, but he certainly does not lose any respect for a persons fighting skill because of it. He’s been beaten severly by many a woman. Thats just the basics. But anyone who knows Logan, knows that is not Logan.
Wonder Woman on the other hand, is a bit easier. He knows even less about her, so he says even less. But he gets even less right. Rule number 1, she’s not stupid.”He must be an agent of Ares.” What what? Refer to Rule number 1. Why assume Ares? She wouldn’t. She knows nothing about the situation, he made that clear immediatly before that comment in the story. Once she knocks Wolverine out cold, more masked men like the ones Wolverine killed come out from the inside of the cave to confront her. “I hold up my hand to greet them in salutations and peace.” See Rule number 1. But maybe I’m beeing a bit too harsh here? Wait for it… “As I suspected, they must be more followers of Ares. I begin the ritual of deflecting their bullets.” Ok, maybe not.

Ok Satyva, and yes we know where the name originates from. You bring up some good points. We sent Ralph, our little intern, back to the writing table. He was a little hurt by your comments since he is a fan of more comics than is healthy. But, your points are valid and most likely an observation of writing than of comic knowledge prowess.

To take each comment in order; unless we missed it, Logan only said “bub” once in the story. He would comment on Frodo because, like us, Logan watches movies and he is making a casual comment about how the Moria entrance was similar to the one he was about to go into, except this one had a big green button and electric doors.

He would go on about his bowels because everyone goes on about their bowels when they have diarrhea. He does so because he doesn’t know why his healing factor isn’t taking care of it, so it’s even more so of an issue to him than it would be to you, Ralph and I. He doesn’t have a problem with Wonder Woman being “a girl.” He’s just surprised at the strength she packs. As you mentioned, he has been beaten by women and is currently in the process of having his spandex ass handed to him in an ultra violent manner. In the end, Logan is still a man, who grew up over quite a number of years, and like any man, doesn’t like being beaten in a fight by a woman.

Some points you made about Wonder Woman were taken to heart so intern Ralph adjusted the story here and there to make it more plausible on the 3rd read through.

Cool story and a nice attempt, the idea of doing regular match ups is good, a website used to do a full tournament style contest, with votes and write ups. was awesome.

I wasnt a fan of some of the dialogue.
Also the parts at the beginning of the interaction where wolverine’s healing concussions and broken windpipes… Wonder Woman isnt psychic nor does she have any abilities that would mean she was instantly aware of wolverines healing and adamantium skeleton. she wouldnt go straight to that level of violence.
Shed swing at an acceptable level to knock out the average guy, be surprised by the feeling of hitting a solid brick wall, and possibly notice the near instant removal of any bruising…

I kinda agree more with Satyva. If Logan’s healing factor isn’t working at full capacity, that should’ve been mentioned earlier. And there’s no way he would go after a Hydra base with his healing factor on the fritz.

And a “Lord of the Rings” mention? By Logan? Riiiiight.

He also would’ve put up a better fight against Diana but she still would win. Not a bad story but does need a little cleaning up…

ok first off I have to know specifics.
Is it Wolvie with his Adamantium claws or bone claws?
Is it Wonder Women from earth prime or the one in the current DC universe with the altered reality?

If its wolvie with the Adamantium claws vs earth prime Wonder Women then Wolverine would win. His claws could slice threw everything that she could throw at him even her indestructible magic lasso. she would try to tie him up and he would just slice the rope with his claws grab the end and pull her into him thrusting his other claw into her and using the rope thats left to tie her up. When she’s tied up she loses her powers.

If its Wonder Women from altered reality vs bone claw Wolvie she would win. Her powers got boosted 10 times and his bone claws couldn’t cut jack on her. She would simply knock him out using her tiara with that quick speed of hers. then she would go over and tie him up with her lasso and he would be out of the fight.

Ok great attempt im not going to be one of the haters but everything they said is right (and the bowel stuff no no no) i think one of the main reasons for this is it wasn’t long enough to allow you to get into character so to speak and you need to steer away from the charachter cliche’s and engage the essence of each character wolverine is dark with a slight comedic edge and Wonder woman is not stupid and would ask questions first (lasso or not) and hit later Ok all that stuff has been said so lets move on. The main thing that stands out for me is your passion for comics i know this because i WAS interested in what was coming next and when it ended i was left hanging, wanting more, you can tell a story just make it longer. Ok a challenge Superman and The Silver Surfer Vs Dr Manhattan and Thor with guest cameo’s

Nicely written story, good attempts at humour and not bad fight scene. Only 2 problems:

1) How’d Diana get the jump on Logan? If he can follow the scent of a couple of Hydra goons across Tibet, he can smell Wonder Woman directly behind him.

2) Same pro DC bias against Marvel as always. Not that i dislike DC’s stuff, but the power difference between most of the heroes is astounding. The only DC hero who can match up to most of Marvel’s is Superman, and even he’d get his ass handed to him by The Hulk, Thor and maybe even Hercules. Enhanced strength and a shiny lasso against Adamantium bones and claws, a mutant healing factor and the fight skills of a trained assassin! no contest