Tough-on-crime Vatican confirms: ‘The butler did it’.

The Vatican today trumpeted its zero tolerance approach to crime as the Pope’s butler, Paolo Gabriele, was taken into custody, charged with borrowing pieces of paper that show what the Vatican is really getting up to.

Vatican spokesman Cardinal Erra said: “For some reason we are seen as a soft touch, but this is a reminder of our ‘tough on crime’ message. Secrets are secrets, as we take pains to tell the younger members of our flock, but it seems that adults need a reminder too.”

Paolo Gabriele said the fact that he is the first to be imprisoned in the Vatican jail for over 20 years was “kind of the point”. All the same, he is said to be mulling over a deal whereby if he agrees not to reveal further details from the papers, he will be released. “And I’ll get free lollies, too, judging by previous hushing-up deals,” he beamed.