Yep I hate myself, because I'm a loser. I'm 39 and I've never had a girlfriend and I have a shitty job. Most people I know who are my age are married and have good jobs. I would like to learn to like myself, but at this point I think it's impossible, I can only hate myself a little less. Is there anyway I can have a semblance of self esteem regardless of the fact that I am a pathetic loser?

Hmm. I would think of some goals or even things you can change. If you pursue something new or get some things accomplished, you may start learning to like yourself. What kind of job would you like to do, for instance? What can you do to make this change happen?

(11-23-2016, 04:54 AM)reynard_muldrake Wrote: Hmm. I would think of some goals or even things you can change. If you pursue something new or get some things accomplished, you may start learning to like yourself. What kind of job would you like to do, for instance? What can you do to make this change happen?

Well I did recently lose a lot of weight. As for a job, I want to do something in the arts.

(11-23-2016, 03:58 AM)unkownknownuser Wrote: Is there anyway I can have a semblance of self esteem regardless of the fact that I am a pathetic loser?

Nope. Not until you understand and acknowledge that it's in no way a fact that you're a "pathetic loser." That's just your own thoughts about yourself, and as long as you allow them to rule, your self esteem won't go anywhere near you, sadly.

Losing a lot of weight is a HUGE accomplishment! Thousands of people struggle daily just to lose a little bit. That you've managed such a thing tells me that you're not a loser, and you should be proud of yourself for this.

You might have a shitty job (so do I), but at least you have one. You're taking care of yourself. You're contributing. That doesn't sound like a "pathetic loser" to me.

If you keep thinking, I'm sure you can find other qualities about yourself that are positive. Everyone has something, even if it's hard to recognize it at times. And don't beat yourself up over not having a girlfriend. Having a partner doesn't equal success in life, and not having a partner doesn't mean you're a loser. It just means you haven't met the right person yet. Please, do yourself a huge favour and don't measure your worth in whether or not you're in a relationship, because that really doesn't say anything about whether or not you're a good person. (For example, my mom stayed in an abusive relationship for years. Her boyfriend beat her up several times, trashed her apartment, abused her dogs, tried to abuse me, and was drunk half the time. He had a girlfriend, yet he was the very image of a pathetic loser.)

(11-23-2016, 03:58 AM)unkownknownuser Wrote: Yep I hate myself, because I'm a loser. I'm 39 and I've never had a girlfriend and I have a shitty job. Most people I know who are my age are married and have good jobs. I would like to learn to like myself, but at this point I think it's impossible, I can only hate myself a little less. Is there anyway I can have a semblance of self esteem regardless of the fact that I am a pathetic loser?

Hi, I see a few things ... these are just neutral, and, to the best of my ability, objective observations.

- Apart from what others have done to you, you have also fallen victim to labeling ... "loser", "pathetic".
- You have expectations of conformity ... that a person of a certain age is "supposed to" have a certain way of life, because society expects you to
- You are jealous of others your age, and you compare yourself to them
- You seem to see only a polarity of two ways to treat yourself - liking yourself, and hating yourself, with not much grey area in between

All of the above are completely normal and understandable to me. I have done the very same to myself, so I get it. But, now, allow me to speak as the impartial observer, the one who sees what you are (perhaps) currently unable to see.

With those labels, you are denigrating yourself greatly and in a meaningless way, just because others might label you in that way. What does "loser" really mean ? And I'm not talking about what UrbanDictionary has to say. Are you any more of a "loser" than a hypocritical politician ? Or a philandering and drug-addicted celebrity ? Some might call them "losers". Just saying it's totally subjective. More importantly, the labels are not going to help you change your situation. It may be more constructive to focus on the facts that lead to you labeling yourself ... not having a gf, having an unsatisfactory job, ok. You've listed those as problems you want to solve.

I understand why you feel bad when you see others your age enjoying life more. How can you not feel bad when, at every corner, through propaganda dispensed by the media, or just general widespread ignorance, these expectations are in your face all the time ! Everywhere you go, you see seemingly happy couples and people with seemingly successful careers. You are made to believe that this is the one-size-fits-all prescription for happiness, and more importantly, that those who don't have those things are defective in some way. Could it be possible that you are just slightly different from most guys ... you have some personal trait that, just doesn't get recognized or appreciated ? Or, that the media portrays your identifying traits as weird or nerdy or whatever cool words they can come up with ? Some people are luckier than others, in love. Harsh reality.

Now, if having a gf and a satisfying job are what you want, ok, those are totally reasonable expectations, and you should absolutely strive to obtain them. But, I think you need to find a way to shield yourself, mentally, from the rigid and often unrealistic expectations of modern society. You need to find a way to ignore most of what you hear/see because it is a pile of shit that is gift wrapped for broadcast. I mean, just look at TV commercials, as an example. Are these the kinds of examples you wish to follow ? And, I don't just mean media. Just what you see when you walk out onto the street ... acting and appearances are omnipresent, for the world to see and envy.

The most important thing I want to tell you is that another huge downfall we are susceptible to is the infantile notions of "You need to love yourself." and "You need to love yourself before you can love another.", as if there is a switch that toggles between "Love myself" and "Hate myself". For reasons that I don't want to get into here, those statements are meaningless and absurd on many levels. I believe that what is absolutely possible, and wise, however, is to know yourself. What are your strengths ? I know that you have good qualities ... because everyone on this Earth does. Weaknesses ? What is important to you ? What constraints do you have in this life ? What are the changes you wish to see ?

Now, getting back to the point, the changes you want to see are having a relationship, and having a job you enjoy. Great ! Now, given your knowledge of yourself and your situation, how can you go about obtaining that ? Without labeling yourself, simply sticking to the facts, what actions can you take to bring about the change you wish to see ?

One last bit - a true story ... my former coworker was 37 when he found his first long term and successful relationship ... which then became his marriage ! He was miserable when I met him (he was about 35) ... he was utterly alone, he used to close all his blinds and sleep all day long every weekend ... totally depressed. Then, years later, he met his wife online, they were continents apart. Today, they, of course, live together, have a kid together, and a huge extended family (she's Vietnamese). He is living a very full life and is happier than ever.

Embrace those feelings of anger, hatred and jealously to improve your motivation to better yourself while you still can. Self-loathing and despair are your enemies.
At 45 brain aging begins and it's game over for certain.

Okay maybe I am being too hard on myself. But I find it hard to keep feeling bad about myself when I've never had a girlfriend before. Even if I got one today I'd still be 20 years behind most normal people. It seems impossible to so.

I understand where you're coming from. I really do. I hate myself too. So much. I have a mental list of every mistake I've ever made, and the consequences of those mistakes that I have to live with, and I hate, despise and loathe myself every day because of them. (Latest mistake: After nearly a decade of avoiding the dentist and not taking proper care of my teeth (too depressed to care), I had to say goodbye to my 5th tooth from the front today. Half of it broke off last night, and the remains couldn't be saved. Now you can just about see the hole if I smile. I'll be hating myself for a long time over this one.)

Also, I got my first boyfriend last year, almost 20 years behind most "normal" (what is normal anyway? Who gets to make those rules?) people. However, it's been worth the wait. Finally finding someone who understands me (most of the time, when I'm not being too depressed and loopy) and loves me just as I am, does indeed help, even if it came late in life. He tries to convince me every day that I shouldn't hate myself, that I don't deserve it. Perhaps one day I'll believe him. But that is not this day.