29/5/2019

DADDY DIARIES: What it’s really like to be in a long-distance marriage

As we watch the distance between us and her expanding as she either disappears into the lounge or we head to the immigration counter, a hollowness beyond explanation fills our hearts. ILLUSTRATION| IGAH

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Things are easier these days, so much that every time I share my story I add so many light moments people think it is one of the easiest long distance marriages.

There is also the aspect of God’s Favor and Grace, otherwise it is not rosy and exquisite - like vintage wine - as we have made it look on the outside.

Someone actually told me that I make long distance marriage look so cool, and she had used me as an example to convince her husband to allow her sign for work out of the country.

I wondered why a man who was jobless had for months turned down his wife’s job opening because he did not want her to work in a different country.

STARING AT EACH OTHER

So they were both sitting in the house staring at each other the whole day and making more babies at night. As at the time we spoke she was nursing their last born, a fourth in a seemingly long chain that will not end if they continue huddling together every hour like polar bears.

While long distance is doable with dedication, my experience has shown that it is dotted with four key moments that those who consider it need to know.

The first is what I call Anticipation. It is the best moment in this setup, when my little one jumps on a wide body aircraft aware that at the tail end of the journey will be the mom he does not see as often as his peers do.

The excitement is usually so high that he never dozes for a single minute on the six-hour flight, despite landing the other side at 1am.

The same is experienced when he knows mom will be landing and we have a late night date at the airport until she lands. On both occasions, he falls asleep soon as he exchanges pleasantries with the woman his heart loves the most.

The second moment, which is Counselling, is the first in a series of three difficult ones. It happens a day or two prior to separation, where I have to take him on a father-son walk to explain in the softest and most comforting tone possible, that mommy will be away from us yet again.