The Politics of Superheroes

No movie review this week. I was too busy watching the Democratic National Convention.

But seriously, there was nothing opening that made me want to drive all the way out to Ronnie’s or Gravois Bluffs, so instead we’ll talk a little politics.

Now normally we do not talk politics at The Report. Or religion. I’m not that desperate for hits that I’ll invite the crazies to write in. It’s bad enough this election has ruined Facebook for the next two months. Friends, I really don’t care who you’re voting for. Or why. There’s a reason it’s called a secret ballot.

But anyway, I was on Yahoo last night and a trending topic was Scarlett Johansson and — aside from the fact that Scarlett Johansson should always be a trending topic anywhere — I clicked the link to see what was going on. Turns out Scarlett, Natalie Portman and Kerry Washington were scheduled to speak at the convention tonight.

In other words, the Democrats have managed to snare the Black Widow, Jane Foster and Alicia Masters while all the Republicans could come up with was Dirty Harry. Now even in his prime Harry Callahan would’ve had trouble taking down a gifted, Russian assassin. And this is old, apparently senile Harry Callahan who talks to chairs. Did you see how Natasha took down all those alien invaders? Heck, she beat up a bunch of thugs while tied to a chair. Harry would need much faster reflexes and a bigger gun.

But then that raised an interesting question. Who are the other Avengers supporting in 2012?

Captain America votes but is not party affiliated and never endorses candidates. He’s going to end up working for whoever wins so why risk pissing off a potential boss?

Thor couldn’t care less about the political affairs of Midgard, but if Jane is pro-Obama, then that’s where he’d probably side.

Hawkeye is the kind of guy who would vote but doesn’t because he never got around to registering. If he were voting, he’d go with whoever the Black Widow told him to. After all, this is the guy who basically committed treason when he started out all because Natasha (who at that time was a Soviet spy) pulled over and offered him a lift.

HULK is a registered Libertarian but never votes. He’s usually busy smashing things on election day.

Iron Man is the most likely Avenger to vote Republican. Tony Stark is a one-percenter and would clearly benefit from Republican plans. On the other hand, Stark turned his back on the Military-Industrial Complex when he became Iron Man and now he spends a lot of time working on clean, renewable energy — two things that are not big in the Republican playbook.

White Nick Fury would back Romney. Black Nick Fury would back Obama.

As far as other major superheroes go…

Superman is an illegal alien and therefore cannot vote and probably would not vote for Republicans based on their stance on illegal aliens. Plus, he’s Clark Kent, an avowed member of the liberal press.

Batman would support the Republicans’ tough-on-crime attitude but he is very anti-gun, so it’s hard to see him backing the party of the NRA. Bruce Wayne, however, would probably back Romney.

Wonder Woman comes from an island that is all-female. Draw your own conclusions.

Aquaman would oppose off-shore drilling and lax regulation of industries that pollute the sea, so he’s not voting Republican.

Green Lantern was DC’s resident conservative superhero back in the ’70s, so we’ll say he’s still one. Green Arrow was DC’s resident liberal superhero back in the ’70s, so the greens are kind of a wash.

I have no idea what The Flash’s political leanings are. I know Kid Flash was a conservative back in the ’80s, so we’ll just put all Flashes in the Republican column.

Spider-Man isn’t particularly political. He does work for the media, but it’s the Daily Bugle, which is like the Fox News of Marvel newspapers. J Jonah Jameson is most definitely a Republican.