Simon Rich Lives in a State of Unspeakable Fear

Who’s your favorite New Yorker, living or dead, real or fictional?
Either my mom or JoséReyes.

What’s the best meal you’ve eaten in New York?
Some weird fish thing that my friend Monicamade.

In one sentence, what do you actually do all day in your job?
Experience terror.

When’s the last time you drove a car?
If this is about the hit-and-run on Montague and Clinton on the 14th, I already told you people, I was watching TV with my roommateClay.

When’s bedtime?
It’s up to the ladies. Am I right, New York Magazineblog?

What’s your favorite medication?
Penicillin. It’s saved over 200 million lives, including my own, like, three different times. It also saved my brother’s life one time. I don’t know why you’re even asking this question when the answer is so obviouslypenicillin.

What’s the last thing you saw on Broadway?
God’s prophet, King Elijah. I couldn’t believe that he was just hanging out on a public street. The really crazy thing is that, two blocks later, I ran into God’s other prophet, Cronos. What are theodds?

Times, Post, or Daily News?
For quality you can trust, choose the New York Times, America’s paper of record. Subscribe now and save 50 percent on your first twelve weeks of homedelivery.

Who is your mortal enemy?
Count MonteroDonaldo.

What’s your drink?
Dr. Lincoln’s Health Tonic, for my tiredblood.

Do you give money to panhandlers?
I don’t like your tone, New York Magazineblog.

Would you still live here on a $35,000 salary?
Okay, okay, I get it! I’ll start giving money topanhandlers.

How often do you prepare your own meals?
Never, because my butler does it. You happy now, New York Magazineblog??

Which do you prefer, the old Times Square or the new Times Square?
Is the new Time Squares the one that has fewer murders? I like the one where there are less people beingmurdered.

How much is too much to spend on a haircut?
$40,000. That’s just ridiculous; no one needs to spend more than that on ahaircut.