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ATLANTA – Anchors at the Weather Channel are warning that thousands could still die as the result of Winter Storm Niko which is currently pounding the northeast.

Reporting from Pawtucket, Rhode Island, an area that was not getting any fucking snow at all at the time, anchor and Weather Channel resident lunatic Jim Cantore gleefully pointed out that thousands of people have been stranded by canceled flights, leaving them susceptible to frostbite, hypothermia, or instant death from the large number of lightning strikes accompanying this storm.

Although considered profoundly unhinged by many of his co-workers, a judge has determined that Cantore poses no threat to himself or others

“Just look at Connecticut! It’s saturated with lightning strikes! And there’s more to come!” yelled a maniacal Cantore, while pointing a three iron at the sky to emphasize his point.

Cantore advised everyone within 500 miles of New York city to cower indoors like rats in a burrow in order to avoid the elements and extend their lives for a few precious hours.

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Early this afternoon Weather Channel anchor and crazed lunatic Jim Cantore advised viewers in the southeastern United States to be sure that their wills were updated before Winter Storm Helena hits this evening.

“I can’t stress this enough: many of you people are fucking doomed,” said a gleeful Cantore.

“This storm packs quite a punch and it could be days for we dig out. If you’re old or infirm your best bet is to make sure your life insurance is paid up and your will is updated. You wouldn’t want your kids to have to pay to have you buried or cremated when the authorities finally find your decaying body, now would you?” said the maniacal meteorologist.

In 2005 Cantore refused to leave his bathtub for a week after some minor flooding along the Chattahoochee River failed to kill thousands as he had predicted.

This isn’t the first time Cantore has lost his small mind during an extreme weather event. In 2010 the foreboding forecaster was treated for scrotal frostbite after coming unhinged and stripping off all his clothing during a thundersnow event.

Cantore closed his segment by advising viewers that were already feeling a little post-holiday depression to go ahead an commit suicide now in order to avoid the pain involved in freezing to death or skidding under a tanker truck, causing it to explode and slowly burning alive.

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – During his 11 A.M. Hurricane Matthew update, Weather Channel anchor and resident village idiot Jim Cantore told viewers that although most of the Florida east coast had dodged a bullet, there was still ample time for the storm to swerve the west and completely destroy the Sunshine State.

“Catastrophe could strike any minute,” said a nervous Cantore, as a wind and rain machine pelted him with palm fronds and litter from a nearby McDonald’s dumpster. “This storm could take a left turn and churn across the Florida peninsula like an out of control rototiller, effectively turning the entire state into a large island devoid of any law and order.”

While Cantore seemed obsessed by the threat Matthew still posed to Florida, hurricane specialist Carl Parker stressed the danger that still looms over the Georgia and South Carolina coastlines.

“Millions could still die,” said a smiling Parker. “This storm could regain its intensity and hit the Georgia coastline, barrel all the way to Atlanta like a runaway train, and explode like a nuclear bomb. Or, it could skirt the coast until it reaches Charleston, turn out to sea, then reverse course and flatten the city like a fucking pancake. We just don’t know at this point.”

Other anchors and meteorologists pitched in with their own warnings saying that the storm could precipitate a nuclear winter, Biblical floods, or even a zombie apocalypse.

“We’re not out of the woods yet,” said the ubiquitous Sam Champion as he wandered around a Burger King parking covered in three inches of water, “this storm could still mean the end of mankind. Thanks a lot Obama!”

ATLANTA – (CT&P) – The Weather Channel is advising all elderly or weak individuals in the path of Winter Storm Jonas to go ahead and commit suicide before the storm hits.

Weather Channel stalwart Jim Cantore, reporting from the nation’s capital, told viewers today that suicide would be preferable to a slow, agonizing death at the hands of the blizzard.

“If you are elderly, weak, or disabled, and unable to flee the path of the storm, it would be much better for you to go ahead and end it all now while you still have power,” said Cantore, after shooting up half a gram of methamphetamine.

“You certainly don’t want to slowly freeze to death in your home surrounded by cats, who are sure to devour your bloated corpse in the days to come. In fact, I advise even young adults who are depressed or have bleak economic futures to do the same. Remember, no one will be coming to check on you because you have no friends and you alienated your family a long time ago. Just get it over with, for God’s sake.”

David Clark, president of the Weather Channel, was quick to point out that although Cantore’s recommendations had merit, they represented his opinions alone and were not those of Weather Channel management.

ATLANTA, GEORGIA (CT&P) – In a litany repeated over and over again ad nauseam weather cretins stationed all over the Southeast and Eastern seaboard warned angst ridden Weather Channel viewers that the physical properties of water, or H2O, changes as outside temperatures drop to around 32 degrees Fahrenheit.

Cantore warned viewers that “Only a fool messes around with such a dangerous substance as water.”

“Water is downright weird,” said Weather Channel veteran reporter Jim Cantore. “As it gets cold outside, water can mysteriously change into things like sleet, ice, freezing rain, or in some conditions even snow.”

“Some of these substances, such as ice, can be very slippery to walk or drive on,” warned Cantore with a very serious look on his face. “So whatever you do, don’t leave your home if it’s cold outside. You run the risk of freezing to death on a deserted highway only a short distance from the safety of your warm crib.”

Cantore told viewers that anyone forced to travel in temperatures lower than 50 degrees should pack a survival kit and bring it along with them.

Cantore said that many an idiot has met his death by hanging around outside in subzero temperatures when intelligent people were inside in front of a fire.

Cantore advised that the kit should contain distilled water, freeze-dried emergency rations, toilet paper, a flask of brandy attached to a St Bernard, a flare gun or “Very pistol,” space blanket, compass, signalling mirror and a three-day supply of amphetamines in order to stay alert.

Cantore also said that if you are dumb enough to leave your home during the winter months you should take along the weakest member of your family in case you run out of food and are forced to eat them to survive.

Director of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration Dr. Jean Lubchenco agreed with Cantore that water can be very dangerous particularly in wintertime when it is so unpredictable.

Lubchenco said that “We never know from one minute to the next what form water will take as it falls out of the sky. It often poses a threat to life and limb for those who don’t have the sense God gave a goat, so the best course for Americans is to stay inside their homes until spring.”

Georgia Governor Nathan Deal held an emergency news conference last night to assure residents that the state’s fleet of snow plows and salt trucks would work round the clock to keep the streets clear

Dr. Lubchenco agreed with Cantore that carrying an emergency kit around in the car with you was a good idea, but stopped short of advising the public to resort to cannibalism. “Except for Florida, every state in the Union has outlawed cannibalism,” said Lubchenco, “so I don’t recommend devouring grandma except as a last resort.”

In a related story, Georgia Governor Nathan Deal held an emergency press conference late last night to assure a panic-stricken public that the state was prepared to handle anything that Mother Nature could throw at it.

Governor Deal told reporters that at enormous expense to the state, a fleet of over 300 trucks was dispensing a toxic mixture of salt, sand, and radioactive fracking compounds all over the roads of Metro Atlanta, even though temperatures were nowhere near low enough for ice to form.

Governor Deal warned the residents of rural counties in North Georgia that winter sports should be left to the experts

“We want to err on the side of caution,” said Deal. He assured the public that the money spent contaminating the roads could be replaced by pirating funds from public school systems as is usually done for idiotic projects.

Deal told reporters that if temperatures remained above freezing as was expected, the public should be aware that water in the form of a liquid could fall from the sky making objects around Atlanta wet.

“Puddles could form on sidewalks that could damage leather shoes and whatnot,” said Deal. “The public should remain alert and aware of all the dangers associated with this substance.”

Deal also warned that those venturing out after the trucks got rolling should just drive around and stay inside their vehicles so that they would not be unnecessarily exposed to carcinogenic compounds in the sludge.

“Our health care system is already at the breaking point as it is,” said Deal. “We don’t need a rash of tumors popping up this summer.”