Danny Hilton’s Beginners Guyd to Eurovision

After months of waiting, Eurovision night is finally here! Depending on what part of the world you’re in, you may be cheering and screaming joyfully like a party boy who’s just won a VIP band for Matinee’s Barcelona Circuit Festival, hiding your head in shame like Lindsay Lohan at a Court Hearing, or looking blankly with no idea what I’m talking about. If you’ve never heard of Eurovision, a quick search on google will tell you that “the Eurovision Song Contest is an annual competition held among active member countries of the European Broadcasting Union.” I’ll translate that for you.

The Eurovision Song Contest is the annual competition between most European (and nearby) countries, from Azerbaijan and Israel to Lithuania and Portugal, with each country sending its ‘best’ (or most-willing in the case of the UK), talent to sing, dance and generally try to woo the rest of Europe with a cascade of fake tan, HUGE hair, awkward dance moves, demented dance routines, glitter, sequins, fur and HUGE hair. Did I mention the HUGE hair and sequins?

A sparkly entry from Lithuania a few years back

In the words of London legend Glendora; “It’s camp gurl.” Camper than any traditional ‘as camp as’ analogies, camper than a stage production of Hi-di-Hi with Julian Clary and Dame Edna in a glitter factory. With a fluffy pink wind machine.

Some of the worst moments from Eurovision. Ever.

The vocal talent ranges in, well, talent, from rather awesome and “why haven’t we heard this girl before?” to, “Why have they sent us this guy? Please make it stop now before I put my head in a food mixer just to drown out the noise.”

The thing is, the ‘worst’ entries are often the most fun to watch. What’s all the rage in terms of style/fashion/music in Moldova, isn’t usually bang on trend for the UK. And probably vice-versa. Eurovision is a chance for everyone to laugh at everyone else. Or maybe I’m just being a cynical Brit. We last won in 1997 with Katrina and the Waves, “Love Shine a Light,” and since then we’ve been last or almost last six times. That’s a lot of countries doing better than us. Usually including Moldova.

Katrina and the Waves in 1997, the UK’s last winner.

The UK’s Jemini (deservedly) came last in 2003.

They said they had sound problems. So did the people listening.

Oh dear God there’s so much left to cover. The voting! There are now so many entries, there are two semi-finals to weed out the weakest entries, via an international telephone vote (but you can’t vote for your own country, duh). “The Big Five” (UK, Spain, France, Germany, Italy) automatically get a place in the final because they pay for most of the contest. And otherwise they probably wouldn’t get through. The voting is almost better than the show itself. Countries always vote for their neighbours (for example, Greece: “for our friends, Cyprus, 12 points”), and nobody votes for the UK. Some of the people who are reading the votes from far-flung ex-Soviet capital cities have never been on TV before, and for good reason. Here’s another chance to see some HUGE hair and sequins, and person after person repeating “thank you for an amazing, amazing show.” Prepare to be amazed.

A rather excited lady reveals the scores from the Swedish jury.

All in all, if there’s one thing that everyone agrees on, it’s probably sequins. Eurovision is on a range of TV channels tonight, with commentary starting around 8pm GMT. My money is on Norway’s awesome Margaret Berger, with ‘I Feed You My Love.’