As a Feminist, I Have to Tell You Your New Girlfriend is a Dumb Whore

I have an ethical responsibility to inform you that this new slut you're dating is super basic.

I know we had agreed not to talk after the breakup, but I really have a moral obligation, as a feminist, to speak up about this.

Your new girlfriend is a dumb, stupid, dumb whore, and I know I speak for all women when I say you need to hear this. When we were together you often said you considered yourself a feminist, but now that I see your willingness to date this two bit trumped-up whore, I’m starting to seriously question your devotion to the cause.

On January 8th, 2016 your so-called girlfriend posted on Twitter, “About to have mimosa’s with friends!” Clearly, she’s a very basic whore, and by basic I mean “dumb in a way specific to women.” Basic is a word used by women to describe other women who are similar to them but went to less elite colleges or have less intense careers and also enjoy brunch. I care about women’s rights and want to make sure women aren’t perceived as basic, so I need to call out basic dumb bitch behavior when I see it. If I don’t, men will do it for me, and how is that progressive? I hate to be the one to comment on all her tweets about how stupid they are, but as Margaret Thatcher once said, “Women who don’t aspire to not be basic are dumb whores.”

It’s bitches like her who take pictures of themselves eating pancakes while lobbying to take away our rights to abortions.

Also, there are too many Instagram photos of her laughing. I counted 58 laughing photos in total dating back to September 16th, 2012, which, as we both know, is the day she created her Instagram account. I know she probably laughs at all your jokes, but I assure you that’s only because she has a dumb, underdeveloped sense of humor. When I laughed at your jokes it was more meaningful because I have great taste in jokes, and I only laughed at you when you said something really witty or when you were in physical pain. Because I’m an intellectual. I don’t just laugh at all the dumb shit you say. And as a feminist I have to tell you that your dumb dumb idiot girlfriend is as much of a laugh slut as a regular slut.

We should also discuss the topic of her stupid dumb slutty LinkedIn. I want to point out that your new girlfriend was a dance major, and I was a math major. I think it’s pretty clear that dance is a dumb idiot’s major and math is a smart feminist’s major. If being a math major was easy, then the endless parade of dumb sluts you date would be doing it. But they’re not, because they’re stupid bitches, and they can’t wrap their tiny minds around difficult concepts like numbers.

They can, however, wrap their tiny mouths around your dick, and I need to point this out or I wouldn’t be doing my job as a strong, independent feminist. Why even put on your LinkedIn if you’re a dance major? It’ll never get you a job. Speaking of which, on her LinkedIn, she was endorsed for Excel (which isn’t hard to use) by five people–all men. Why do you think that is, Alex? Because she’s fucking all of them.

Your stupid idiot of a girlfriend is the reason Donald Trump is president right now, and I have an ethical responsibility to tell you. She posted a bunch of Facebook statuses in mid-2016 about how Bernie Sanders was more qualified than Hillary Clinton because he “cares” about “poor people.” It’s bitches like her who take pictures of themselves eating pancakes while lobbying to take away our rights to abortions. Which, by the way, your girlfriend needs way more than me and my friends ’cause she’s a stupid slut who sleeps with everyone. As a woman who actually SUPPORTS other women, I have to point out what a dim-witted whore she is. The fact that Hillary Clinton wasn’t her first choice is a perfect example of why we shouldn’t let dumb sluts vote.

I looked up that bitch on Ancestry.com and found out her relatives immigrated from the Netherlands in the 19th century. Are you aware she’s Dutch? Are you fucking kidding me! “The Dutch,” or as everyone overseas calls them, “the cum dumpsters of Europe”! As a feminist I’m all too aware that Dutch women are feeble-minded gluttons for cock. Do you know why there are no great women to come out of the Netherlands? Because all the Dutch women are so busy having wooden-shoed orgies, they can’t find the time to read a fucking book.

I know I’ll get backlash for saying the truth, and I understand that it’s a consequence of being a powerful woman speaking my mind. But on behalf of all women, especially those too stupid and inarticulate to speak for themselves, I have to tell you that your new girlfriend is a dumb slut.