"We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glow-worm."
Winston Churchill

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9/1/09

9 NINE total and utter failures and disasters!

I have a billion email accounts. I don't know why, except for maybe I have ADD and like to compartmentalize things. I have an email for this blog, a grown-up email that doesn't make me seem involved in polygamy, (fun fact: most people find my blog by google searching "polygamists") and a random and very old email that houses all my comment notifications.

The very old email is a hotmail account, and I'm keeping it around simply because MSN is just so amusing to me. Everyday, in the sidebar, is a link to truly bizarre and random articles. Top 6 ways to alienate your whole family! Top 7 ways to die unexpectedly! 5.5 ways to ruin your wedding! Today's link: Top 9 Unsolved NFL mysteries.

I always read these, while simultaneously wondering how the heck they came up with their numbers. Top 7 ways? You couldn't find three more to make the normal, and more expected 10? Does Letterman have some kind of copyright on the phrase Top 10?

The wedding lists are my favorite. Apparently, all it takes to ruin your wedding is a failure to serve a favor. Or serve the oh-so-cliched Jordan almonds. Or not send out individually letter pressed thank you cards. Oh MSN. If only you had been to my wedding.

Top 3 Things That Happened at My Wedding Reception, that if I were MSN, I would think Disastrous. But Because I Have Perspective, I Just Find Them Funny.

1. My newly minted brother-in-law showed up to the reception totally high. He stuck leaves in his hair, and made chipmunk cheeks in the family pictures, until the photographer asked him to leave. He then proceeded to hit on my then 14 year old sister.

2. My sister's hair was waaaay prettier than mine*

3. On our way to the reception, my car broke down. Why we were in my POS car and not Dan's nice car is a story that I still do not find funny, and therefore will not discuss. Oh wait. I will. If you are in town for the wedding, and want to turn your trip into an extended vacation, rent a car. Or borrow another friend's. Don't ask the groom for his. He might need that car. To get to his own reception. And then the airport. For his honeymoon. Sheeesh. But actually, my # 3 was really about how because my car broke down, we were late to the reception. And everyone thought it was because we had checked into our hotel early for some sexy times. No one believed the car excuse. I guess that's what everyone says?

Anyway, despite these little snaffus, I still don't think my wedding was a disaster. And I didn't even have individually letter-pressed thank you notes.

*In retrospect, my original #2 seemed mean. Not on purpose, but still. So I changed it to an equally true, but less mean one. If you saw the first version, well, know that I found it more funny and strange than annoying, and I like the people involved.

Uhm, I definitely found this blog searching for polygamists. I was kind of surprised to see one of them blogging, or having access to computers at all, I think the hairstyles kind of throw me off. I don't think it took me that long to figure out that this wasn't a blog by either a very ironic or very blunt polygamist child bride...but it still probably took longer than I would like to admit.

I'm quite sad to have missed original recipe #2. Oh well. You snooze, you lose.

At my wedding, the cake was still mostly frozen. FROZEN WEDDING CAKE. Also, we had it in the cultural hall and there had apparently been some serious church ball being played the week before because the basketball court had a couple gouges in the middle. Which someone had decided to repair with duct tape. So I had these nice silvery patches in the middle of my dance floor. Mormon weddings are so chic!

Steph, I am glad we get to hang out with you and Dan. I can picture you telling this in person and it makes it that much better. By the way, who borrowed Dan's car? You can tell me in person or text it to Jess if you do not want to broadcast it here. I am a bit curious.

MCB: mormonchildbride(at)gmail(dot)com

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About the Mormon Child Bride.

I got married when I was 20.
I enjoy sewing.
I am afraid of mold.
I'm either a complete apostate Mormon, or I'm just saying what we are all thinking.
I have two cats, but I don't blog about them because I hate excessive pet blogging.
I teach 10th grade Language Arts, and Humanities, and feel qualified to do so even though I mix up it's and its sometimes.