When he left, Ichiro didn’t put a curse on Seattle – he lifted one

A clever ESPN writer, Steve Etheridge, just noticed that it hasn’t rained for a while in Seattle. And he noticed that it hasn’t rained here since July 22 — the last day Ichiro Suzuki was a member of the Mariners.

Keep the pinstripes; we'll take the sun. (Getty Images)

Of course, that leads to just one conclusion. “Did Ichiro curse Seattle with a drought?” the headline on his article asks.

He’s cursed them! He’s been angered by the Mariners’ organization for stringing him along for the last decade without a single playoff appearance, squandering his eye-popping batting averages, his countless gorgeous slap base hits, his breathtaking efficiency on the base paths.

And now he’s taking his revenge, parching the mortal husks of the Emerald City’s fair-trade-coffee-guzzling inhabitants, depleting their skies of gloominess so that their bearded lo-fi bands can no longer mope out the fuzzy anthems America’s skinny-wristed philosophy majors depend on.

Repent, Seattle! Ichiro is not pleased!

There’s only one problem with this hypothesis: A 45-day streak of no rain (as of Wednesday) isn’t a curse on Seattle. It’s a blessing!

In fact, if one does a deeper analysis of life in Seattle since Ichiro was traded to the Yankees, one can arrive at the conclusion that Ichiro didn’t put a curse on our fair city when he left — he lifted one.

Since Ichiro left, the Mariners have become one of the better teams in baseball. Their record, from July 22 through Tuesday, was 24-15. They’ve gone on a seven-game winning streak and an eight-game winning streak, and at least for a while appeared to be within striking distance of the A.L. Wild Card.

Since Ichiro left, M’s ace Felix Hernandez has thrown a perfect game — just the 23rd ever in Major League Baseball history. In the aftermath, King Felix reiterated that he loves Seattle and wants to stay here. And he has become a favorite, yet again, to win the A.L. Cy Young Award.

Since Ichiro left, Franklin Gutierrez has returned to the Mariners in force, now leading the team in hitting with a .278 batting average. And, miraculously, the center fielder hasn’t gotten injured again.

Since Ichiro left, the Seahawks have played four preseason games and won them all. Fans have gotten excited about their new quarterback, rookie Russell Wilson, who surprised the nation by beating out veterans for the starting QB job.

In his first season in Seattle, Ichiro led the Mariners to a historic 116 wins, and now this season, his final one with the team after being traded to the Yankees in July, Ichiro seems bent on making Seattle history in a more vindictive way: through a relentless, punishing drought on its people.

Yes, a “relentless, punishing drought.”

Prepare him offerings of Ichirolls and pine tar. Give him Jay Buhner as a slave. Adorn his bobblehead with precious gems and fragrant oils.