An academy for growth and guidance

Recently, at an event, Priyanka Chopra gave an inspiring speech about women breaking the glass ceiling. The video has been doing the rounds on social media, but how many women are able to do it – is a million dollar question. How practical is it for women to implement such ideas in our country?

Suicide of IIT scholar Manjula Devak in May 2017 shows us the emptiness of such thinking. Manjula Devak was a 28 year old independent woman who committed suicide (perhaps because of marital issues regarding freedom to do as she pleased) in Delhi. Dowry harassment and lack of support from her family led her to take such an extreme step. So where is the equality, if qualified women like her in the end succumb to an issue like dowry? She is just one recent example, but we all know the numbers are shockingly high.

However harsh it may seem the fact is that ideology of equality is restricted to an extremely small number of families in our country; while the rest are seated comfortably engulfed by a strong set of old-fashioned beliefs.

Taking the example of Devak; self-sufficient, independent and educated – yet succumbed to the pressure of dowry harassment and family issues. If even someone like her is not encouraged to stand up for herself and break barriers, how do we expect women in rural areas to do so? How do we ever expect such a huge population to become stronger?

Things are changing, people are moving towards newer ideas, innovations and boundaries; but are they willing to let go of the antiquated practices? Sadly, the answer here is clear – only a handful of them!

Women are often caught between two ends – old restraints and new ambitions. To avoid such tragedies, we are left with two options – either we don’t give women the wings to fly or we let them fly without building glass ceilings for them!

Times have changed and so have the values. Marriage, especially arrange marriage, is not as simple as it used to be. Women are far more independent and display lesser tolerance to injustice. When parents do get daughters married, they must be willing to support their daughter irrespective of the fact that they are married. The old thinking of ‘once a girl gets married she has to live and die at husband’s place’ must change. The parents must continue to care for their daughter and what best way to do that than giving her permission to free herself from an abusive marriage? The right kind of support from parents at the right time can not only help save a life, but also help them start a new life….. a more content and meaningful life.

While we talk about breaking the glass ceiling, we could also take a minute and think about why the glass ceilings are even being created in the first place. Can’t the sky be the limit for men and women alike? Maybe it can, and it soon will. Carrying that hope in our hearts, let’s pledge to change in every little way to make the world a safer place for women – safe from their own fears!

Recently, a student from Kerala was expelled from his school for having hugged a girl for way too long in the school campus. Yes, you read that right; expelled for hugging!

What the student’s claim to be an innocent congratulatory hug, the school has identified as an explicit ‘sexual’ act in the school premises, thereby expelling, defaming and demeaning the two involved. As Shashi Tharoor rightly tweeted – By sexualizing innocent affection between friends and fellow students, we are creating self-conscious hypocrites trained to suppress their feelings. This really gets us thinking – where are we headed? Perhaps backwards?

It seems like stressing out the kids with overwhelming chunks of matter to be learnt year after year didn’t suffice; hence the education system is now keen on aiming at demoralizing them from all perspectives. Discipline sure is essential, in any school and in all forms. However, to what extent can a school go to maintain discipline at the cost of compromising on a child’s entire life ahead? With board exams up against them next year, the children feel lost and helpless, and are unable to believe a casual hug between them caused this uproar.

What messages are being passed on to children across the country? Co-ed schools are a good way for girls and boys to understand each other, learn to co-exist and of course, make friends too! Perhaps as a school, their duty is to keep “such” activities away from the campus, but in case of such an event, is this the way to handle it? Where is the sensitivity? Dealing with students of that age is so delicate. It can make or break them And with the news being blown out of proportion, we already know where this is headed. With technology and education moving ahead, the moral compassing is only pushing us backwards!

Building strong character, high self-esteem and confidence in children is way more important than teaching them to learn book after book. And by dealing with a “hug” this way, the former is far from being achieved. They are going to walk out as weak, demoralized, humiliated children. So one can only imagine what kind of adults they would be.

These kids are the next generation. And instead of holding their hands and guiding them in the right direction, they are being held and dragged out of their own schools, again, just for a hug! It’s time we change more than just our education system. It’s time we change our perspective and our outlook towards children, especially adolescents. And rest assured, with the right guidance, adolescents and teenagers would step into adulthood with more clarity and stronger character.

The clothes we wear, products we use and now, the love we find, could all be ‘Made in China’. China has introduced schools for dating, offering courses in ‘How to fall in love’. Well, clearly there’s nothing China can’t do. The courses offer tips on grooming, flirting and finally dating. It ensures that students pass out not with flying colours but with girlfriends!

What caused this? Why did someone wake up one morning and decide to impart knowledge regarding dating? Well, one contributing factor could have been the previous policy of having only one child with the added male child preference in the country ; hence causing a lot of men to be left alone, feeling heart-broken. With the fear that unhappy, single men could bring up the rate of human trafficking and sex crimes, organizations are setting up centers to make men confident to go out and find true love for themselves.

While it sounds bizarre, it makes one wonder, whether this could be a valid option for India too. India too, like China, has been caught in the web of arrange marriages, with little exposure given to the youth about dating. Times sure are changing, but how sensibly are people looking for love? Would a course help them understand the path to be taken?

Knowing how to date or fall in love is a debatable topic as some may believe these are actions that must happen naturally. However, what one could definitely be trained in is identifying one’s own needs before stepping out to find a partner. Most failed relationships portray unmet expectations, not incorrect partners. And there are very few young souls out there who know what they actually want with a clear picture of who’ll be able to meet those needs. They wish to find “love” with the hope that ALL their needs would be met. And that unrealistic start to a relationship ensures a rocky road ahead.

With single stream schools a favorite among conservative Indian parents, till the age of 16, boys and girls are unsure of how to even make conversation with people of the other gender. And when such people set out to find girlfriends/boyfriends, mistakes tend to happen, hearts tend to get broken. With no prior experience in grooming or healthy flirting, they either hesitate to make a move or sometimes err on the other side by saying too much. And perhaps, now it doesn’t seem incongruous to have such courses for the youth.

Maybe soon enough, we’ll have even schools and courses here with ‘made in China’ label; with the hope that they love they find after such a course would actually last long, unlike other Chinese products.

This blog is based on the article –

Times of India-Bangalore edition-Page 14-19th November 2017-‘Now,China has courses in dating’.-www.timesofindiaepaper.com

TV shows have always been considered bad for kids and the old school of thought promotes banning them for children. But some new age shows are emerging with meaning that help bring awareness to topics that were otherwise taboo. And we sure can say that India needs some change in this regard.

The popular show among teens “13 reasons why” has caused a stir among parents, internationally and in India too, wondering if it’s appropriate for their children to watch it. It may seem a little overwhelming, especially for sensitive children, however, its bringing t everyone’s attention a very serious, yet neglected issue among teens – depression, ending with suicide. It’s a teen’s narration of events in her life that led to her committing suicide. In the wake of the new show, parents are rightfully obligated to speak to their teens about it and this could be a great start to discussing such a delicate yet important topic.

Robert Myers., child and adolescent psychologist, believes it’s important to tackle these issues smartly and delicately. If the teens are already watching the show and the parents bring up the topic, a teen’s first reaction to it is one of defense. A parent has to ensure that they don’t broach the subject with negativity, instead treat like any other discussion.
Moreover, during any discussion relating to depression, a parent must refrain from using any fearful tone that would send the child on a guilt trip and eventually lead him to going into a shell. The teen must know that the parents trust him/her and will stand by his/her side come what may. That foundation of faith is essential for any child to open up about his feelings and confide in his/her parents. On the other hand, including your own life-examples could help establish an empathetic relationship and make the teen feel comfortable.

Furthermore, parents are unsure about how often they should talk about it. Robert Myers is certain that just talking about it once won’t suffice but at the same time, bombarding them with facts and statements about depression every now and then is ineffectual.

It may seem difficult to find the right mix of all ingredients to perfect parenting and it’s quite impossible to draw up a recipe, however what salt is to food, communication is to parenting. You can skip some things but always be there to talk to your child and listen too. Shows like these could be treated as blessings in disguise that are helping people discuss depression more openly with the hope of helping their kids stay away from it or in some cases overcome it. But that also makes us wonder, did we really need a show or a book like “13 reasons why” to share such things with our teens? Why were we waiting for someone to give us a push for something as important as depression? Some food for thought, maybe?

Children are amazing at aping and all parents certainly are aware of that! And hence all parents are so cautious of their actions and words because they never know when their children will pick the same and reproduce it most unexpectedly! Well, it’s not just your actions they are watching. Your anxiety too is at the risk of being aped by your kids.

Anxiety breeds anxiety!

No solution has ever been found by taking the path of anxiety. In fact, it could only add to your problems. Parenting sure is a challenging job; perhaps the most tedious one, to have ever existed. And unconsciously, anxiety sets in. But what’s more dangerous is that the same anxiety could be passed on to your child.

Now when a parent is faced with a situation at home, the first reaction to it is the most important; which is bound to stay in your child’s mind forever. If a parent takes a minute to first calm himself/herself before addressing the child regarding an issue, the panic level of the situation is minimized to a great extent; thereby making way for one to actually resolve an issue with an effective solution . And we all know that wouldn’t have happened if things had heated up.

How a parent deals with a problem eventually transforms into how a child deals with one. Kids are kids. They are supposed to make mistakes, they are supposed to goof up and annoy us. But parents are adults. And taking a minute before reacting is what any adult must do, thereby ensuring children turning into calm adults as well.

Anger is usually caused by a feeling of disappointment when a child doesn’t do as he is instructed to. A parent feels accountable for every mistake a child makes, which is unfair. An adult is solely responsible for how they react to a mistake, not for the mistake. The minute a parent understands this distinction, things get calmer. One cannot ensure that a child does everything right all the time, its plain impossible! But what’s possible is one’s behaviour towards the child that could in fact influence his/her action the next time around. A child who is not blamed and reprimanded for every little mistake is actually motivated to try again and perhaps succeed too!

Well, this goes to say that the trending “keep calm” slogan is something we all must really put to use, especially while parenting!

Children make mistakes; all the time! They fall down, they spill things over, they forget chores, they mess up at school and so on. And they are always expected to apologize. Because we want them to learn to say sorry. While that’s not incorrect, it’s incomplete! The only way to ensure children learn to accept mistakes and realize it’s not the end of the world, is to apologize when you are at fault too.

Psychologists have observed that children absorb, absorb, absorb and then reproduce all of it. Unfortunately, one can’t tell when the reproduction happens, and when it does it might be too late to reverse the learning. Children are observant of every little thing they see and are watching all our actions. And without our knowledge they are picking up nuances from our behaviours.

When children make mistakes, they feel embarrassed, guilty and scared. Hence, when they see adults make mistakes and accept them, it reduces the fear of a mistake. They start to see that mistakes are common, and could be made by anyone; adults too. Apologizing for a mistake and moving on gives them the courage to do the same.

At times, parents are worried that if a child makes a mistake and is subjected to name-calling by other people, it could damage the self-confidence of a child. It could, but temporarily! Because how you deal with it at home could decide whether the child can gain his/her confidence back.

The more attention you give to such details, the more aware you will be of your child’s feelings. However, it’s important to simplify things for your child so he/she doesn’t believe that every mistake is a disaster! While they shouldn’t be ignoring mistakes and moving on like nothing happened, they shouldn’t also be collapsing after having made a mistake. Picking them up, moving ahead and regaining confidence – an essential process for a child to grow into a strong adult.

So, if we behave as strong adults and showcase sensible behaviour, we are helping in building a strong, confident generation.

Motherhood brings in a whole new change! It comes rushing in with bursts of joy and love! And unfortunately, in the case of 90 percent of Indian mothers, stress comes tailing behind. Stress caused by the pressure to be a perfect parent!

While the pressure to be a perfect mom is a global concept, surveys have revealed that it’s more common in India due to various factors. Motherhood sure is huge step, that kicks off with the pregnancy, distinct changes in one’s body and then comes the baby; that’s when it’s supposed to be a true celebration, but often is accompanied by a nagging pressure to be good at it.

Clinical Psychologist and Counsellor Varkha Chulani says that there is indeed nothing like a perfect mother. There are no fixed rules or norms one could follow. The pressure is felt when one believes that one must not make any mistake. Now that’s highly impossible right? Humans are prone to making mistakes, in any realm of life and fortunately, making a mistake is not the end of the world. And she adds that, the more natural and instinctive one is, one doesn’t falter much.

To add on, Dr Uday Pai, past president of Indian Academy of Pediatrics, says that in India, one of the main reasons for increased pressure is the fact that a mother is bogged down by two sets of grandparents. Contrasting suggestions from each set of grandparents increase the level of stress for a mother, especially a new mother, who is already dealing with her own issues.

Surveys brought out various fears new mothers face right from not looking good post pregnancy to not feeling confident about being a good mother; from wondering what is right for their baby to worrying about not having time for themselves.

Furthermore, with the number of articles and tips the online world has to offer, a mother is left feeling bewildered! Who can tell her what is right and what is wrong? Now, this is where psychologists believe that a mother must follow her heart, her definitive instincts and step into the world of parenting with a positive attitude.

The key to positive parenting starts with the mother feeling good and confident about herself. Bodies ought to change and will change! But with a healthy lifestyle, one can always go back to being how they were before pregnancy. Meanwhile, the focus should be on eating well and feeling good. And with respect to being perfect moms, its valid to be worried. Even Dutchess Kate Middleton had similar fears. But getting over them, and going with natural instincts is the key to being a REAL mom, which hold more value, right?

Why do we sell our old stuff? To get rid of junk, maybe! To avoid accumulation of unwanted things over the years; to be able to make place for new things to come along. Imagine doing all of the above for your broken relationships! Get rid of the heartache, move on and make place in your heart for a new relationship. Weird, but oddly satisfying right?

Vietnam has its own market for heartache , allowing people to discard the things given by their ex-lovers. It’s a sign of moving on. After having gone through a heartbreak, people find themselves depressed and unable to carry on with their daily routine. They said this market acted as a closure for them as it helped them dispose all the stuff they could no longer bear to look at. They also found it oddly relieving to see that there are so many others who have gone through similar break-ups and that gave them strength to move on easily.

This market is of significant importance in a place like Vietnam, where till just a generation ago, arranged marriages were extremely common. This concept of heart-ache and moving on is a symbol of the change over the past few years and how with the use of social media, dating and break-ups are no more rare.

Social attitudes have changed drastically with the country adopting western country norms, almost replicating the situation in India today.

Dating is common, so are break-ups! And moving on after a break-up is essential! It avoids baggage being carried on to new relationships! And as a concept, this is a treat to psychologists and counsellors. However, the question here is – why are there so many break-ups? Why is the youth finding it difficult to hold on to relationships? Of course social media has a huge role to play here!

With the number of options available online, everyone always feels they could get better, they could find someone better. Rising expectations and the greed to always find “the best”, cause people to lose interest in the current relationships with a continuing search for better ones. And it’s time the youth halts for a bit to understand themselves better and aim at having more successful relationships!

Having said that, today, the trend is to have several relationships before finding “the one” and it sure is healthy to have access to a heartache market. The bottom line is – emotional baggage of any kind is dangerous! So in case you don’t have access to such a market, set up one for yourself – your very own junkyard. And start afresh !

Suicide, self-harm and self destructive activities have been observed over the years and unfortunately, have become so mundane to hear and read about. People are taking lives at an alarming rate, yet reading about it is not so alarming anymore. But what has caught everyone’s attention recently is the new killer – digital self-harm; because harming oneself physically is just so passé!!!

To even think that there are new ways of self-harm, is so disheartening. “Digital self-harm”, or “self-cyberbullying” is a behavior where adolescents/teens post mean things about themselves anonymously. This concept came into light with the suicide of a 14 year old who sent herself hurtful messages on a social media platform and ended by taking her own life. A study showed that nearly 6% of people who took their lives were victims of digital self-harm prior to that.

What’s important to note here is not the absurdity of the whole idea, but the reasons that compel adolescents to do so. A survey revealed that boys too were a part of this but apparently for different reasons. They confessed that it was to be funny or to get attention, whereas the girls took to digital self-harm because of depression. The underlying reason for either of the genders is to get a response or to be acknowledged. This leads us to wonder what is missing in their lives, at home or at school, with parents or with friends; that begets them to take such steps.

This also gives us a hint that adolescents have to be handled very delicately yet smartly. They have various needs at different levels, and when some needs are unmet, they could lead to extremities like self-harm. Being there for your child, observing his/her behavior and establishing a strong foundation of faith is so essential for him/her to know that they can approach you instead of social media ,in times of distress.

Providing a child with basic physiological needs is not enough. A child has emotional needs that have to be catered to. An effective and trustworthy two-way communication between parents and children is enough to bring down the rate of depression among children. The actions caused by children sure are shocking, but what’s more shocking is the reason behind them. And as parents, you can only pick up hints, gather clues and solve the puzzle for them before it’s too late.

Let them know you are there for them, come what may. And this needs to be conveyed in behaviour, not with mere words. Furthermore, this needs to be communicated to them at an early age, not “last minute”, when they have turned into adolescents! Hopefully this would help the next generation progress towards finding new ways to live rather than reaching out for new ways to die!

With suicides among teens and children at an all time high, parents are troubled with one question; why don’t kids come to us when they are upset? We could have perhaps worked on it better! Well, ideally, that’s true. If children did approach their parents in times of difficulty, appropriate guidance at the right time could ward off major damage. But despite being most familiar with parents, there must be a reason why children fail to approach them when needed. And this fortunately, is something as parents, we can definitely solve. The problem and the solution lie within us! The problem being our behaviour or reaction to past issues discussed by the child and the solution being to reverse those reactions and attempt a better one the next time.

The article lists some of the situations where the parents need to be cautious. Let’s take the example of a 12 year old coming in to share his experience of infatuation. The first impulsive reaction the mother gives is one of anger and betrayal – how could my child turn out to be like this? But the solution here is get down to reality, comprehend that it’s normal for every child to have such feelings and to acknowledge and respect them. Respect, being a key word here. The child needs to feel validated. And if his self-respect is hurt in front of his own mother, there is very little chance that he would approach her again. Similarly, feelings of shock, authority, or obsession from a parent / parents could push the child away from them.

Parenting sure is a challenging job, and there is no one book or guide that’ll give us the tips we need. However, there are people (professional counsellors) who could help parents handle such situations. It is essential that the parent is well aware of a situation and conducts himself/herself well because that is exactly how the child will react to it. Every action by the parent evokes a reaction from the children. And for children to feel secure, respected and loved, a sufficient amount of trust and faith needs to be established by the parents.

A great family is one where kids share not only their happy experiences but the unhappy and scary ones too .Being able to cry together is essential too. And it’s important for parents to provide such a platform to their children, hence ensuring that when kids really are in trouble, the people they’ll look up to first would be their very own family.

Let’s strive to make each home a happy home but also with an outlet for sadness, fear and confusion. Let’s help the world get rid of blue whales and make way for happy dolphins. And happiness sure does begin at home!