United States Ready To Declare War On The Sun

THE PENTAGON — Nuclear missile silos have begun preparatory operations and are aiming their warheads skyward as the United States Air Force and NASA draft plans for a potential full-on assault on the largest threat in our Solar System — the sun itself.

On November 2nd, NASA scientists launched a small telescope into space to study solar flares in minute detail, and their recent findings show that solar flares are an significant threat. Air Force leaders and top scientific minds have consulted and propose a preemptive strike against Sol to ensure the survival of this planet, and America.

NASA states that the Sun emitted a mid-level solar flare last month that has the potential of causing some radio blackouts. The flare shot out from the sun was wider than the Earth, and was fortunately aimed in another direction.

Unfortunately, scientists predict that some time within the next two to three years, solar storms could cause blackouts planet wide, as the sun is entering a new solar cycle, which will peak in 2013. The United States plans to strike before the increase in solar activity.

“We rely on satellites, particularly GPS, in the targeting systems of our weapons, among other things,” says newly-appointed Chief of Space Warfare Brigadier General Tom “Skywalker” Bollenbaugh. “If the Sun takes out our ability to use GPS and satellite communications, we’ll be severely impacted in the full spectrum of our capabilities.”

At a monthly budget meeting between the Chiefs of Staff, it was suggested that more money be put into the collective budgets of both the Air Force and NASA to ensure they can follow through with the proposal if Sun warfare is indeed required.

Despite some sources stating that nuclear weapons will have literally no effect on a flaming sphere of super heated plasma 106 times the size of Earth, BG Bollenbaugh remains determined to defend our planet from any and all space-borne threats.

Activists have risen worldwide to protest the proposals, arguing that “a war on the sun will destroy all life on the planet.”

Paul Smiles, spokesman for the pro-Sun group “Light For Life,” speaks out on the matter.

“We’re vehemently opposed to what the Air Force and NASA are suggesting,” states Smiles. “They’re just looking for ways to reacquire funding now that the Space Program is all but shut down and the Global War On Terror is drawing to a close. Nobody needs NASA or the Air Force anymore, but those agencies are not willing to give up the spotlight so quickly.”

The Air Force downplays the risks.

“Look, we’ve got an O-5 in the Air Force’s ‘Strategic Tank For Deep Thinking’ with Ph.Ds. in Nuclear Engineering and Astrophysics,” said Air Force spokesman Colonel Chris Holmes. “He’s drawn up a contingency plan to use several hydrogen bombs to initiate fusion on Jupiter and Saturn, if necessary, making two smaller suns. Not only would this solve the Sol problem, but it will bring global warming to a screeching halt. Environmentalists will be begging the government for coal-fired power plants.”

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"Stormtrooper" is a US Marine Corps computer nerd who enjoys wasting his collective paychecks getting stewed, screwed and tattooed. His interests include chicks, booze and guns. His hobbies include playing video games, building things, auto-erotic asphyxiation, and lying about fetishes.
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