Ben Roethlisberger: Oh, How the Mighty Have Fallen

Last night's airing of the new South Park episode was based on Tiger Woods' recent scandal and the generalization that men are sex addicts.

In an attempt to bring his name back into the spotlight and out of the dark shadow cast by his recent sexual assault allegation, Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger agreed to be in the new South Park episode.

"I want my name cleared," Ben told the press. "I want to be seen in the good spotlight, not the bad. South Park is a way for me to come back into the hearts of America."

Of course, after the episode aired, Ben wasn't coming anywhere near the hearts of America.

The show did give him his own spotlight in the Sex Addicts Anonymous program, where he was included with Woods, Charlie Sheen, and Bill Clinton.

Roethlisberger didn't exactly think the show captured his true persona.

Ms. Georgia, on the other hand, said: "They captured him perfect—the greasy hair, the rugged beard, the double chin. Oh, and the well-sculpted body of his that I loved—I mean, his crude debauchery."

After the show aired, Ben told reporters: "I really liked how they captured all my friends and I in the same scene. But it did strike a nerve with me: I have to face the fact that I am a sex addict, and my disease has engulfed me."

When asked what he was going to do about it, Ben replied: "I'm going to start a scholarship for all young sex addicts, so they can escape the prejudice and discrimination. It will be called The Ben Rapelisberger Foundation of the Sexually Needy.

The Rooney family was nowhere to be found yesterday to comment, and when approached today, Steelers officials said that the Rooneys were suffering from a hangover bigger than Roethlisberger's ego.

However, in recent developments starting today, EA Sports released a new feature as part of Madden 2011 in which when one plays as the Steelers, Ben can call a time-out and run into the stands to violate a woman if he needs more attention.

When asked about its plans if Ben is convicted, EA Sports released a statement saying that there will be a 33rd unlockable team in the game in which one can play as a jail yard team similar to The Longest Yard's Mean Machine—with Roethlisberger as quarterback.