I am a survivor of extremely severe ritualistic childhood abuse and sadistic systematic torture. This blog has helped me get my voice back and documents the journey I'm on to heal from the trauma and damage caused by that appalling abuse. Now is the time for me to tell of MY experience by speaking the truth about MY life. I will be silenced no more! On this blog I share MY life, MY healing journey; helpful quotes/stuff I come across and MY thoughts along the way. The more I speak out the more liberated I am from the shame and trauma of the abuse. My broken wings are gradually being repaired. Without God in my life I wouldn't still be here. But somehow, I keep on staying alive, surviving and rarely, occasionally, living a little!

Saturday, 18 December 2010

When I look at my life I get angry when I see the powerlessness and hopelessness I lived in all these years. I really thought there was nothing I could do about the horror that was my life because I believed the lies of my abusers that I deserved it all and deserved nothing else.

When I look at my life I get angry at the damage and dysfunction I see. Damage and dysfunction I didn’t cause but I have to work extremely hard at to repair. And that gets me really angry. It’s all so unfair.

When I look at my life and wonder about what might have been had I had a different childhood I get angry.

When I look at my life and see the fear I’ve lived under. The fear of not being believed if I ever told, the fear of what would happen if I ever told. How all my life I’ve been afraid of everyone and everything; afraid of myself; afraid of the anger and hurt inside. That fear has so paralysed me and that gets me angry.

When I look at my life now I realise I’ve spoken out, been believed and nothing bad has happened to me as a result. I’ve not got justice and that gets me angry. My abusers have not been exposed and that gets me angry.

When I look at my life now I realise I now have support and I’m so thankful for the professional women who are part of my life now. That gives me hope.

When I look at my life now I realise I have the power and support to change things. That gives me hope.

When I look at my life now I realise I’m beginning to see the lies for what they are and am beginning to slowly replace them with truth. That gives me hope.

So when I look at my life now I have hope that I’ll navigate a way all the anger, hurt, disappointment, lies, powerlessness and fear.

So when I look at my life now I have hope. That’s very precious after all these years of hopelessness and powerlessness.

Thursday, 16 December 2010

“It would be easier to tell people my parents are dead. Orphans get sympathy; I get judgment. When I tell people that I don’t have any contact with my mother or father, it’s usually the same response: Oh, well, OH! Some of them move on to safer topics but a few of them inquire in hushed tones, “Why not? What happened?”

As I read the article I felt someone was writing my story. It’s an amazing feeling when you read something someone else wrote and everything in it resonates with you. It’s as if someone got inside your head somehow. It’s also extremely comforting to know there are people ‘out there’ who’ve experienced similar things to you. That helps ease the sense of isolation which comes with surviving incestual abuse.

The awkward questions that tend to crop up about family are why I avoid church and most social situations. In tackling those questions down the years I’ve said things like “I have no family, I have no contact with my parents, I’m alone in this world, I have no family or relatives”. 99.999999% of responses to me have been a look of pity and a “what happened? What did YOU do? Do YOU not want any contact with them? Surely you have someone, no one has nobody? Have YOU done all YOU can do to seek reconciliation?”

I heard assumptions that I must be bitter, angry and unforgiving to have and want nothing to do with them.

As I heard all that I’d sigh inside and find myself defending my position and actions as if I’d done something wrong.

I’d say something along the lines of “oh I was abused by my entire family and then disowned when I was of no further use to them”. Again 99.999999% of responses to me have invariably been “have you forgiven them? It is not good that someone should be alone, you should forgive and seek reconciliation”. Many times over the years I’ve tried to explain further but ended up in so many arguments.

Nobody seemed to get what I was saying. No one seemed to get that crimes were committed against me. WHY? One reason and one reason alone - I’m talking about family.

It’s as if “the family” is a “sacred cow” which must be maintained and defended at any cost regardless of the facts. There is so much lack of understanding and awareness of the dynamics and devastation the incest and child abuse do to people, especially in Christian circles. All I’ve met with is naivety and simplistic solutions which help no one and caused me so much confusion, frustration and isolation. You should do everything to be reconciled to your parents because they are your parents is such a false belief system which places guilt and blame upon the shoulders of the survivor. “It doesn’t matter what they did, after all they are your parents” is the mantra.

My parents beat me and as they beat me they said over and over “you will honour your parents because the bible tells you to.” Then Christians beat me over the head with the commandment “honour your parents” and added a “regardless of what they did to you honour them because they are your parents, forgive and forget, you only ever have one lot of parents.”

Hey, let’s turn that on its head. I would never have had any of those responses had my abusers been from outside the family. Why is it that when it is family suddenly it’s a different set of rules? Come on folks they’re still child abusers, child torturers, child rapists, child murderers – regardless of who they are, regardless of their being related to me. They are criminals who destroyed my life by their crimes. There is no other way to describe them.

BUT I’ve yet to hear any of these people say my parents were wrong to abuse me - wrong to disown me - wrong to deny they have a daughter - wrong to deny my very existence – because I am their daughter no matter what I did or what I was like. OH NO, it’s all about ME and MY response to what they did to ME and it’s MY fault I have no relationship with my parents because I won’t work towards reconciliation with them.

Come on, let’s get real. Let’s recall the facts. My parents, my entire family, abused me, beat me to a pulp, left me for dead and disowned me. Those are the facts. That is the truth of the situation.

No-one has ever challenged them about their behaviour. No one seems to have the guts. Everyone seems afraid to say anything out of fear of being sued for defamation of character.

So my parents are still free to walk in and out of church every Sunday without challenge. This maintains their facade created over many years of being “respectable Christian people” when the truth is far different. Even when challenged by the legal consequences of their behaviour they continued to lie and deny anything was ever wrong and as a result remain at large in the community when they should be rotting in jail with the key thrown away.

“Honour your parents” was not written with child abuse in mind. It was written in the context of having loving parents who loved, accepted, guided and supported their child. That commandment was not written for children who were abused. The commandment was not written to tell victims of terrible abuse to honour people who only did and said dishonourable things and to whom no honour is due, only shame.

Let’s get real.

How can you reconcile with people who have never admitted and never will admit anything was ever wrong with the family “system”? How can you reconcile with people to whom abuse and lies are “normal” behaviour? Let’s be honest – do you want anything to do with people like that? I guess NO is the answer.

So why should I just because they’re my parents, my family. It’s sheer craziness.

The mantra about “family being family no matter what” is really total garbage.

I refuse to be reconciled to people who tortured me to within an inch of my life many times. I refuse to be reconciled to people treated me like a piece of meat. I refuse to be reconciled to people who gave me the esteem of a turd or a speck of dirt. I refuse to be reconciled to people who abused me, left me for dead and disowned me when I was of no further use to them. I refuse to be reconciled to people who blame me for everything that happened. I refuse to be reconciled to people who live in a state of defiance, lies and denial of the truth. I refuse to be reconciled to people who do not even recognise or accept me to be their daughter. I refuse to be reconciled to people who committed terrible crimes against my body, mind, spirit, emotions, sexuality, identity, against ME. I refuse to be reconciled to people who would still behave that way towards me if I let them.

In fact I refuse to have anything to do with them.

I refuse to have anything to do with anyone who has not got the guts to face up to the facts and consequences of their actions. I don’t care who they are. Let’s be honest, I would not be writing this if my abusers were not my family, my parents.

Seriously, would you, in all honesty, want anything to do with them? So why should I?

“The family” is not a sacred cow that should be maintained at any cost. When “the family” has been a toxic, destructive, abusive, manipulative, controlling environment there is no reason, however compelling to sustain that system.

My family, my parents passed on only negative stuff, destruction and misery to me. There is nothing to honour in that.

In fact I honoured them when I stopped being the “dutiful daughter”, spoke out the truth and had them confronted with the consequences of their actions. They had a choice to do the right thing – confess and face the consequences. But instead they chose to defy, deny and lie and are now free to go on with their lives as if nothing happened. That was their choice to make. The choice they made was totally dishonourable.

There is no honour in their actions. There is nothing to honour there.

I heard their response loud and clear and I realised that I am an orphan. I do not have loving parents or loving family, and I never will do. Nor will my parents ever admit anything was wrong.

The truth is I am an orphan - not through the physical death of my parents –but because of abuse. I am an orphan of abuse. I am an orphan because of incest. I am an orphan because my family rejected and disowned me.

The truth is I did nothing to deserve that.

The only thing I can do is do all I can to heal from the trauma, damage and dysfunction in my life and stop it from destroying the rest of my life.

Friday, 10 December 2010

I was at a meeting to discuss the next step in my healing and the role of group therapy which will come 2-4 years in the future after I’ve done extensive individual therapy. The meeting was drawing to a close when she said "I wish you well in your healing and recovery, you deserve to heal, you deserve to recover".

I remember sitting there staring at her open mouthed and speechless. I heard myself stutter “what do you mean?” She repeated the statement. I continued to sit and stare at her thinking “she doesn’t know me, she doesn’t know how bad I am, I’m used goods, I don’t deserve nothing.” She leaned forward and looked me straight in the eyes and said “you didn’t deserve any of that, you deserve to have a life, YOU deserve to fully recover”. She spoke with incredible gentleness as I stared at her in total confusion not knowing how to respond.

What a concept - I deserve to heal? I deserve to recover? Whoa that's one huge concept to take on board!!

I’d never have thought of it that way.

For me healing is about taking my life back. Healing is about finding a way through and out the other side of the damage and dysfunction in my life. Healing is about starting over. Healing is about stopping merely existing, merely staying alive for the sake of it and actually starting to live somehow. Healing became a necessity. Healing had to happen because the pain was destroying me. I just had to begin the work to heal. I had no choice. It had to happen. But now I have another perspective on it – and it used the word “deserve”.

The word ‘deserve’ is such a loaded word for me. From a tiny age I was told I deserved everything done to me because I was a girl... because I was so bad... because they said so, because... well just because. So to turn the word ‘deserve’ into a more positive word is a really big thing to do.

I always believed I deserved it all. I always believed I deserved no better. I believed I wasn’t worth any better. I believed I got the life I deserved. It was natural for me to never consider myself deserving or worthy of anything but a shattered life.

But actually the truth is I DID NOT deserve any of that abuse. NONE OF IT! The abuse was NEVER about me. It was about MY ABUSERS, THEIR decisions, THEIR attitudes and THEIR choices.

Now I’m beginning to realise all that I’m starting to place the blame where it actually lies – with my abusers NOT me, NEVER me – there is a change happening inside. I’m beginning to see the lies and collusion. I’m beginning to see my childhood with new eyes.

Now I have a huge challenge. That challenge is to believe, to truly believe, deep inside that I really do deserve to heal; to recover; to get my life back; to live a life beyond depression, trauma, dysfunction, shame and hurt.

I can’t grasp it yet but at least it’s focused my mind on something positive!

MY FAVOURITE BIBLE VERSES

IN YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM, AND HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATHS Prov 3:6THE LORD IS A SHIELD TO THOSE WHO WALK WITH INTEGRITY Prov 2: 7WHEN MY FATHER AND MY MOTHER FORSAKE ME, THEN THE LORD WILL TAKE CARE OF ME AND ADOPT ME AS HIS OWN CHILD Psalm 27: 10 (Amp)CAN A MOTHER FORGET HER NURSING CHILD? CAN SHE FEEL NO LOVE FOR THE CHILD SHE HAS BORNE? . . . I WILL NOT FORGET YOU Isaiah 49: 15I WILL COMFORT YOU . . . AS A MOTHER COMFORTS HER CHILD Isaiah 66: 13THE KING IS ENTHRALLED BY YOUR BEAUTY Psalm 45:11