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June 28, 2004

Courthouse Forum: The Hot. Alex Kozinski

With a nod to Penthouse Forum, UTR brings you Courthouse Forum: Letters to Article III Groupie. As you know, reader correspondence is critical to UTR's mission of delivering its readers the juiciest federal judicial gossip, thereby allowing them to peek "underneath the robes" of our federal judges. As a general matter, Article III Groupie reviews the many letters submitted by her readers, makes judgment calls, and then publishes what she feels like publishing. Most of the time, Article III Groupie publishes only excerpts or fragments from reader letters. But some pieces of correspondence are so sizzling and so scrumptious that not publishing them in their entirety would be a miscarriage of justice. Hence the need for Courthouse Forum, where reader correspondence will be published in unredacted form. UTR believes these letters will be as stimulating to connoisseurs of federal judicial gossip as Penthouse Forum is to those who appreciate erotica. "Judge, is that a gavel underneath your robe, or are you just happy to see me?"

The first letter being published in Courthouse Forum is from one of the brightest superstars in the federal judicial firmament, an Article III celebrity of Tom Cruise-esque proportions, who has already made multiple apperances in these hallowed pages: Judge Alex Kozinski of the Ninth Circuit (shown at right handing down the court's decision in the recall election case). In case you're wondering, this is an actual letter from Judge Kozinski, and Article III Groupie practically peed in her (very expensive) La Perla Black Label panties upon receiving it. Below please find the full text of AK's missive. Enjoy!

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Dear A3G:

I must say that I'm severely disappointed in the slate of candidates you have fielded for your Judicial Hottie contest. While I think the list of female candidates is excellent, the list of male candidates is, frankly, lacking. And what it's lacking is me.

Sure, John Roberts and Jeff Sutton are young and extremely handsome, but so what? I have it on very good authority that discerning females and gay men find graying, pudgy, middle-aged men with an accent close to Gov. Schwarzenegger's almost totally irresistible.

Yes, I know, the nomination period ostensibly ended [on Friday, June 18], but my nomination falls within the penumbra of the rule, so I say it's timely. You will doubtless find any number of opinions written by me that say filing periods must be strictly construed, but I was writing for the Ninth Circuit, and you know what that means.

Here are the arguments in support of my nomination:

* I am the only Article III judge to have appeared on the Dating Game--and I was on twice. I even won once, and I have the tape to prove it.

* I had my own photo-spread in George Magazine, with lots of sexy pictures of me jumping. This was a few years back, but I've only gotten cuter with age.

* I also had a photo-spread in Snow Country Magazine, mostly pictures of me snowboarding. I am, in fact, an authority on snowboarding, as the attached article will prove. And snowboarders are, by definition, hotties.

* I recently co-presided at a very swank wedding at the Larchmont Yacht Club--a club so exclusive it probably wouldn't admit me as a member--which was reported in the New York Times and discussed in great detail on a very prestigious weblog.

* I wrote the screenplay for the blockbuster Schwarzenegger movie, Total Recall. Well, not really, but I came mighty close. (Read esp. pp. 1301-02, but the whole thing is worth a read if you can bill it to a client.)

* I bungee jump. [Ed. note: Click on the link to play this very fun little video clip--and make sure your sound is turned on!]

* I recently played a key supporting role in the 20-minute short Inside Story, directed by my son Yale Kozinski, written and produced by former Kozinski clerk Leslie Hakala, and featuring former Kozinski clerks Tara Kole, Troy Foster, Chris Newman, Leslie Hakala and Theane Evangelis. [Ed. note: Like Judge Kozinski, Hakala, Kole, and Evangelis are all members of the Elect--a term first explained here.]

If you can provide me with a name and address (it could be of a friend, so as not to reveal your identity), I'd happily send you an autographed DVD of Inside Story--the sad tale of an 8th-year associate (Tara) who gets hoodwinked by a slick (but sexy) operator (Troy) into revealing securities secrets, thereby getting fired by the Big Cheese Partner (me). Believe you me, you don't want to pass up the chance to have your very own (autographed) copy of this as yet undiscovered art treasure, which (unfortunately) I must condition on your waiving the rules a teensy-weensy bit by adding my name to the list of nominees.

I could say a lot more, but it would probably compromise my chances for elevation.

I know that that the voting is already well underway, so that adding my name to the list will put me at a disadvantage in collecting votes, yet somehow I feel that if I can make it onto the list, even at this late date, I might still have a chance, if only a small one, of being selected as among the top 3 male judicial super-hotties.

I anxiously await your response.

Ciao. AK

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How can Article III Groupie refuse such a brilliant and hilarious prayer for relief? Petition granted! And so the Hot. Alex Kozinski (9th Cir.) joins the ranks of the nominees for Superhotties of the Federal Judiciary!

The extension of the nomination period beyond June 18 (as explained in this post) has produced, in addition to Judge Kozinski, a few other worthy nominees, so Article III Groupie is actually glad that things worked out this way. Nominations will continue to be accepted until 11:59 p.m. on Friday, July 2, 2004. So if you have any other nominations, don't delay. Please send them by e-mail to me, Article III Groupie, in timely fashion!