Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Where the fuck is jeanshorts? Does he not know the mighty Oil are dropping the puck in 15 minutes? Not to worry, Rusty's here. I'm sitting at my mighty computer to seduce you online to join me in spewing my opinion on the game tonight, as it goes down.

Drop the fucking puck, the Oil are ready to stomp some ass.

FUCK THE FLAMES

The last time these 2 teams met in the pre-season, the Flames defence walked all over the Oil. Tonight, however, this game actually means something. It will be interesting to see whether the break between the end of pre-season games and game 1 of the regular season will pay off. The new system will get its chance to shine, and we'll be one step closer to knowing whether it was Mac-T that cost us last season. We'll be one step closer to knowing if the Bulin' Wall will be an upgrade on Roloson. We'll have another reason to consume ridiculous amounts of hootch.It's about damn time.

Who am I watching tonight?

There's a lot of people that intrigue me coming into this season. If I have to pick one person tonight, I'll go with Patrick O'Sullivan. Will he mesh with Comrie and show that we do in fact have a solid 2nd line? I think Sully will be all over the ice tonight, and will be a big reason the Oilers start the year 1-0.

Rusty Says: Oilers 3 Flames 2

For all the bitching we've done this summer, it's here. It's finally October... The puck will finally drop for real.

PAT FUCKING QUINN will be gracing the Oilers bench.

THE BIG INTRO

I've been hearing about the big intro all week, so I tuned in a few minutes ago to watch the spectacle online. How was it? Not what I expected.

Chicks spinning around in the air on bedsheets, old black men singing some form of Oilers fight-song. Chicks playing fiddles in mid-air while being strapped from the roof. What the fuck did that have to do with hockey? Still, that was a unique way to kick-off the year.

I was at the fancy new pool/sporting complex in St. Albert not too long ago. Decided to take the little family for a fun day of swimming and general Q-T. My friend and his family tagged along too.

Now, I’m generally a bit of a creep. Let’s just get that out of the way. Anyway, I enjoy going to the pool. One of the perks of going swimming is the girls. Can someone tell me why it is taboo for a chick to walk around in her bra and panties but it is more than acceptable for them to prance around in a fucking bikini? It is the same shit. In fact in most cases it’s way sexier. So I’m playing Dad and taking my daughter down the water slides and the little river thing they have there. All the while I’ve got my eyeballs spinning every which way checking at all the breasticles that are frolicking in my general vicinity and trying to decipher which ones I was actually allowed to look at. You know? Like is this a 15 year old or an acceptable 18 and up? How the fuck can you tell anymore? What are they feeding these girls? There are girls in my Wife’s Kindergarten class (she’s a teacher you sick fucks!) that have bigger breasts than her! Granted they are little fat fucks but that’s a different rant. These girls now days look like women when they are 14. The problem is, from my experience, that their brains don’t usually catch up to their bodies until they are into their mid twenties. Now that is a fucked up situation. A lot of bad things can happen with chicks in that 10year window. It’s like giving a toddler a loaded gun and expecting them to learn how to use it. The worst part is that so many parents let their daughters dress like fucking hookers when they are in junior high. They start pimping the ho life on the little ones in kindergarten by giving them those stupid little bratz toys. “Here sweetheart, you see this little fucking hooker toy? See how you can see the dolls cooter because her skirt is too short? See how her eye shadow goes from the top of her eyelids to the top of her forehead? Wow, those big plastic titties are barely staying in her shirt! I think this is a good role model for you.” I’m seriously surprised that they don’t have a little pull cord that says, “I’ve got a mouth, an asshole, a vagina, two ears, a couple nostrils and two fists…. Stick it anywhere you want!!!”

Where was I? So I’m creeping away and trying not to get busted doing so by my Wife. There is one particular girl bouncing around (definitely an acceptable 18+) who apparently feels it is too much of a hassle to tie her top up tight. Damn titties keep popping and she just keeps casually putting them in the holster. Like a fucking jack in the box, I kept anticipating when the next peek-a-boo would happen. Great stuff. Those things were spring loaded. I think her creepdar was going off hard because she looked at me in disgust and then had her friend tie up the straps and alas, the show was over. Fuck my skills are fading fast with age.

At this point my daughter is off playing in the kiddie pool with her friend and my buddy’s wife. I decide to go to the hot tub area with my wife. We are sitting down and I tell her the story of this girl and her rogue boobs. I tell her that I almost sprang a chub in the water slide line. Fuck that would have been embarrassing…. Mr. Creep here standing in line with a bunch of kids, sporting a bone. “Uh, excuse me sir, we are going to have to ask you to leave. The authorities have been contacted you sick fuck!”

My wife who is as good a sport as you will ever find and I might add is fucking HOT! Decides to make my life hell by giving me the “fuck me eyes” and reaches over, brushes her tits in my face and grabs my dick. Making it look quite casual (we were away from the crowd I will add.) She then says, “HAHA now you can’t get out of the pool,” and then gets up and walks away. Leaving me with what I can only describe as a dick that was VERY ready to play. God damn woman!

So what do we do when we are trying to hide an inconvenient erocktion? We tuck that bad boy up into the belt or waste band. I’m sitting alone in the hot tub and its pretty much time to go home but I’m still sportin’. So like I’ve done a thousand times in school, I tuck her up in the band, puff out the shorts a little for the baggy look and make my way over to the group. In a short time I can feel that the blood flow has subsided and the tension is gone. I’m standing there talking to my buddy who is with his family and he kind of has a fucked up look on his face. My wife walks over with a big smile on her face and then suddenly it turns to absolute disgust. “What the fuck?” I ask…. She motions down to my pleasure region and my eyes follow hers….

There, to my dismay I see what looks like a midget who has been hanging in the gallows for a few minutes. My fucking knob was stuck there losing circulation with the noose around its neck, desperate to get back into my shorts. Fuck what a weird looking sight. How do you explain that? I try laughing it off and my buddy claims he didn’t notice but I know he did. My Wife is completely put off but fuck her! It’s her goddamn fault.

I pass along this tale as a reminder to you gentlemen. The tuck is a tried and proven method of boner camouflage but please be careful. I thought I had the bases covered but sometimes a slip up will happen. Learn from my mistakes.

Fuck I feel like a dirty old man now. Stay tuned for more horror stories about growing old.

The Oilers get going on their year today, NHL '10 comes out today, and Rusty will be puking in a grassy field to end his evening. It's September 15th, and you know what that means...IT'S RUSTY'S BIRTHDAY BITCHES!

I'm officially old enough to get cheap car insurance, meaning this is officially the last birthday to get excited about. What kind of pompous ass posts about his own birthday? Rusty! That's who. Now, where are my presents?!?

In a cunning attempt to lure you into purchasing me valuable goods, I have prepared the following visuals:

On a day where I realize my dream of being the starting quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys is over, I give my tip of the cap to Tim Tebow for landing pretty much the hottest girl ever. I recall hearing about this on the radio a while back, but it wasn't until last night that I randomly stumbled on those delicious pics. I also stumbled on the following lovely pics:

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