Grover Cleveland For President

A potential major development in the roller coaster 2016 Presidential race occurred Halloween night with the surprise announcement by the late Grover Cleveland that he is running for U.S. president. The late Mr. Cleveland served as U.S. President in two nonconsecutive terms: 1885 to 1889 and 1893 to 1897.

Speaking at a hastily put together graveyard press conference attended by deceased members of the press, the late former President declared, “My heavens, what is going on down here? You people have selected two doggone rapscallions as your 2016 presidential contenders! That one fella – the loud one – is a low down miscreant and an audacious scalawag. And the woman – why I wouldn’t trust her with a wooden nickel. And they are both running as New Yorkers! They are giving us New Yorkers – both dead and alive – a bad name!”

To the howling moans of his ghostly supporters, the late New Yorker continued, “For the good of my former country and the State of New York, I hereby declare my candidacy for the President of these United States.” Mr. Cleveland pledged to open up trade talks with Kaiser Wilhelm of Germany, reduce tariffs on whale oil and he committed to invest more money in telegraph infrastructure.

Several corpses close to the campaign admitted that the late President faces an uphill battle. But, a cadaver, speaking on a condition of anonymity, said that the Cleveland forces are confident that they will do well in large urban Democratic strongholds where dead people have a solid history of somehow voting in elections. “We particularly feel good about Chicago”, the unnamed dead source said.

A Cleveland campaign spokes-ghoul said that the late President will be appearing at several séances in the key battleground states of Pennsylvania and Ohio. Also, Mr. Cleveland will be speaking at a zombie convention in Las Vegas over the weekend.

Campaign donations can be sent via mail, Western Union money order or telepathically to:

Grover Cleveland’s Headstone

Princeton Cemetery
29 Greenview Avenue,

Princeton, NJ

Frightfully Yours,

Richard J. Lowery Jr.

Footnote: President Cleveland was a proponent of free trade, classical economic policies and was the last “small government Jeffersonian” Democrat to reach the White House. Sadly, since then the Democratic Party has reclined at the table of Progressivism’s busy body management of our daily affairs while chugging pitchers of secular modernity’s Kool-Aid.

Also, President Cleveland weighed in at an impressive 280 pounds. He was man who enjoyed his food and had lived in Buffalo, NY which is also the home of chicken wings. Please join me in my support of Mr. G. Cleveland’s write in candidacy and let us toast the kick off of his 2016 Presidential Campaign by ordering a round of chicken wings tonight!