5 Jobs You Probably Didn’t Know Bill Hader Once Had

Bill Hader is quickly becoming one of the biggest names in comedy, thanks to post-SNL star turns in Trainwreck, and IFC’s Documentary Now! But there was a time, before Stefon made him a household name, when he was a just another kid finding his way in life. Unlike some of his peers, it took him years to discover his talent for comedy. In the meantime, he worked a long slog of bizarre jobs that had him crossing paths with everyone from a washed up Frog Brother to a perverted Terminator. Thankfully, he isn’t shy about sharing those stories. Before you catch this week’s brand new episode of Documentary Now!, check out a few of the strange jobs Bill took on his way to stardom.

1. Movie Theater Usher Who Spoiled the Ending of Titanic

Hader worked as an usher at a theater while attending Scottsdale Community College in Arizona. As he revealed in a recent interview, he would often get fed up with the obnoxious moviegoers. One time, a group of sorority girls were blocking the exit and being really rude, so he tore up their tickets and told them, “The boat sinks, Leo dies, the old lady — that’s Kate Winslet — she has a jewel and she throws in the water at the end, so that’s where that goes!'” Hader said his stoner boss had no choice but to fire him for ruining the end of Titanic.

2. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Assistant on Collateral Damage

Hader served as the former Governator’s personal assistant in a Mexican jungle while shooting the action flop Collateral Damage. As he told author Mike Sacks in the book Poking a Dead Frog, he mostly remembers fighting to get Schwarzenegger to set on time. At the time, Arnold was obsessed with learning chess, and preferred to stay in his trailer and play with an instructor for hours on end. Frustrated, Hader started slipping the chess teacher notes that said “Lose!” in order to get Arnie to set. It worked for a bit, until Arnold asked to read one of the slips of paper, and then just muttered, “we play another game.”

3. Crew Member on the First Season of The Surreal Life

Hader worked in post-production on the depressing debut season of The Surreal Life, and still has regrets about it. During the wrap party for the show, a nervous Corey Feldman offered him $2,000 to bring a cut of the show to his house before it was turned in to the network, so he and his lawyers could review it. Tipsy, Hader responded, “Corey, you don’t have $2,000.” Everyone laughed, but Hader quickly realized what a jerk he’d been.

4. Chauffeur for the “Sweep the Leg” Guy from The Karate Kid

Hader told Marc Maron on his WTF podcast that one of the first jobs he had in LA was driving around Martin Kove, aka the leader of the Cobra Kai dojo in The Karate Kid, while he was filming some lousy B-movie. Apparently, Kove got Hader lost on purpose so he could actually read the script before getting to set. Hader got in hot water with his boss for showing up late with the “star,” and so on the way home, Kove tried to make it up to Bill by offering to buy him a McDonald’s milkshake and cookie. So Hader stopped at a McDonald’s, but when Kove came out of the restaurant, he treated poor Bill like Daniel-san and ate the cookie and drank the milkshake right in front of him and told him to just drive. Hader described it as a “weird mind f*ck,” and his first “welcome to Hollywood” moment.

5. Coffee Guy for Porn Stars

Hader worked for a time on a call-in sex show for the Playboy channel called Night Calls. Two porn star hosts would field calls from home viewers, who would share their fantasies that would be enacted by other porn stars. You know, good ol’ fashioned entertainment. Hader’s friend who got him the gig warned him that while the show sounded awesome, working there was a “total bummer.” Hader’s job was mainly bringing the porn stars coffee and magazines, and getting them ready to act out the fantasies. He quit after two or three shows, in an effort to avoid disappointing his parents.

The Best Of The Last

The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Your Portlandia Personality Test

Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.

Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…