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Ok, so most of you know that I've been struggling with fertility issues. To compound that we have had a lot of insensitive issues going on with the ILs. Repeated intrusive questionings, accusations of making stuff up, insinuations that I'm a faulty woman...eh, the list goes on.

I've had a heck of a time trying to juggle a compassionate detachment stance with them and taking care of myself. Most of the time their antics just roll off my back, like water off a duck. It's really very rare that I as a person generally get hung up on something so I'm having just a really hard time with the latest stunt.

BIL decided to inform us his wife was pregnant. Ok, fair enough. But she's not due until Feb. For some reason it just struck me as so callous and rude to call DH up and tell us, Sunday night...out of the blue. And they are not due for a loooong time.

I know that they don't have many social graces, I know that many people have so many issues with them and their rude behavior. I know that they don't have very good boundaries and can't keep somethings to their selves and think of others. I *know* this but I can't stop taking this personally.

I really can't bring myself to say congratulations or really much of anything. I don't even know if I can be around them for the rest of the summer. I am proud for how I've handled them so far, I just can't keep it up.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

SassyDI

Pam been there hun but let me tell you a story and I hope it helps you a little. Back when DH and I were trying for a child I found out my SIL was pregnant. My BIL called they to struggled with infetility and bam it happen. They didn't call to hurt us but didn't want to leave us out either knowing that we because of DH's SCI we couldn't get pregnant on our own. I was so upset and I just couldn't bring myself to be happy for them. Told DH I didn't think I could be around them at Christmas with big belly and talking about baby this baby that. Then in early Dec when she was 16 weeks she missed carried. Let me tell you that I was so sick to my stomach over the way I reacted to it. I felt so much guilit for thinking so many bad things. I never once wished for a misscarriage but still the guilit was there. Please I beg you take a step back and think of it this way. The struggles that infetility can bring are aweful do you really want someone else going though them? I don't and thats what I had to keep telling myself.

My bff handled my pregnancy with more grace then I even know how to begin to discribe. She was there cheering me on during my whole pregnancy. While she had start the process before me. And she stood that at my shower 100% happy for me. When she continued to struggle I rooted her DD was 2 1/2 when her son was born.

I think they don't want to hide it from you and have you find out everyone knew and you alone did not. I am not rooting for you too.

Thank you for telling me that story SassyDI. It certainly provides a much needed perspective. I just told DH a few minutes ago I needed an attitude readjustment.

My feelings are so all over the place. I'm not unhappy for them or jealous. I just do not understand the way they did it. And, this is just a pattern of behavior with DHs whole side of the family. I think they could have handled it much differently and gracefully.

I guess for me, I'm just at the point where I've let a lot of things go with his family. The awful things they have said and done. The awful ways they have treated us. It's just another one of those things that I feel is in bad taste.

I was doing injectables and IUI but had a rather bad complication the first round and no pregnancy. So now they are testing to decide if it is even ok if I continue with any type of reproductive technology b/c since I had the complication once, it makes it much more likely to get it again. And mine was so bad that I was close to being hospitalized.

Thanks SassyDI for your words. It helps.

I guess for me that I just felt their timing couldn't have been worse lol. They knew what was going on for us. They *just* got pregnant. The way they did it was so insensitive towards DH and I....I guess they just stump me.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

SassyDI

We found out in Sept and they were due in June. Can I just ask if the whole family was whispering about it and you over heard and knew they were keeping it from you would that bother you? I think thats where my BIL was coming from when he dropped it on us. My BFF told if I kept secerts it woud hurt more.

I probably wouldn't care who they told or when. I'm just concerned with how insensitive they handled this. DH is just sitting on the couch staring at the wall with tears in his eyes right now. I've tried for the past two hours to comfort him and he's not a really sensitive guy. They way his brother handled this left a lot to be desired.

There wasn't any type of kindness or compassion for our plight. We have received bad news after bad news for the past year. Lost two pregnancies and have never had a word of condolences from his family. A lot of gossip and whispering about us and false accusations. But never a kind word or card to express any type of sympathy on our behalf.

People throw rocks at things that shine - Taylor Swift

SassyDI

Quote from: pam1 on May 30, 2011, 08:27:39 pmI probably wouldn't care who they told or when. I'm just concerned with how insensitive they handled this. DH is just sitting on the couch staring at the wall with tears in his eyes right now. I've tried for the past two hours to comfort him and he's not a really sensitive guy. They way his brother handled this left a lot to be desired.

There wasn't any type of kindness or compassion for our plight. We have received bad news after bad news for the past year. Lost two pregnancies and have never had a word of condolences from his family. A lot of gossip and whispering about us and false accusations. But never a kind word or card to express any type of sympathy on our behalf.

It makes men senstive Dh was too. Some people just don't know how to respond to infetility. Most people who have never gone though it don't get it. I need to find you that article hold on.

Awww Pam ...feeling so sad for you .My niece is going through similar treatments , and each time is a disappointment .she consoles herself with amazing holidays , while her siblings are producing babies .Do you think this was a personal dig at you guys ? Or perhaps they were bursting with joyand had to tell everyone .Hope it was the latter . Time for a treat Pam , now where are those bath bombs ??

SassyDI

Quote from: lancaster lady on May 31, 2011, 12:58:31 amAwww Pam ...feeling so sad for you .My niece is going through similar treatments , and each time is a disappointment .she consoles herself with amazing holidays , while her siblings are producing babies .Do you think this was a personal dig at you guys ? Or perhaps they were bursting with joyand had to tell everyone .Hope it was the latter . Time for a treat Pam , now where are those bath bombs ??

I think its the latter really I do. I think people just don't understand at all the hurt it causes. I think the misscarriage just made me realize if I am not happy for other will they be happy for me when I become a mom? Futher it wasn't my niece or nephews fault for being born so how could I hold it against him or her. I worked in an infant room at a child carecenter at the time I was ok with babies it was hard seeing pregnant people more then anything.

Heck my friend who is married to a man 20 years her senior had to watch her niece who was 16 have a baby and then get pregnant again later to learn she had an abortion. Talk about rip your heart out. My BFF was so upset it was heart breaking.

No I don't think it's a personal dig. It's just the way they did it and the timing of it was really, really bad. It wouldn't be as hurtful to either DH or myself if they had handled it a different way. As Jennifer Aniston once said about Brad Pitt missing a "sensitivity chip."

DH and his siblings were raised in a very competitive environment too. I got a new car last summer and most of his siblings were upset b/c it was a pretty nice car. A couple even went out and bought a nicer car right after I did lol. So for me, it's hard not to take things personally even if they are not personal. That's just how they are and as I much as I detach, it seems like I keep getting sucked back in.

We've had several family members on my side announce pregnancies and friends but nothing stung DH or I in this way.