Andrew Lowry is a freelance film journalist. He is currently at film school in London.

Why rock stars make such appalling actors

In retrospect, it was depressingly inevitable: Pete Doherty, erstwhile voice of a generation, has been cast in a movie. Not just any movie, mind: even more inevitably, it’s a highfalutin’ biopic of Alfred de Musset, a fashionably obscure 19th century dandy, poet and Frenchman who drank himself into an early grave. There’s no word yet on whether Doherty is playing the lead or Second Pallbearer to the Left, but that’s a detail – the real question is, will the lanky Moss-botherer be any good?

It’s not like he’ll have to work hard to even reach "average" in the rankings of musicians-turned-actors – the list of music megastars who’ve died on their arses on screen is a long and distinguished one. The likes of Mick Jagger, Bono, Bob Dylan, Madonna – hell, even the Spice Girls – have all been truly, truly terrible. Quite why anybody with zillions in the bank, creative fulfillment in their line of work and legions of adoring fans around the world would want to gamble their reputation on doing something it takes professionals decades to master is beyond me – but then again, I’m not galactically vain. Sure, there have been exceptions to the "rock stars tank on screen" rule – David Bowie now and again, Tom Waits ALWAYS – but there are a few fundamental problems with packing your film with musicians.

The mechanics of stardom are tricky to elucidate, but one of the core principles is the creation and maintenance of a persona. Humphrey Bogart didn’t actually spend his days cracking wise with endless dangerous dames, but he spend 20 years doing it on screen. Clint Eastwood is, by all accounts, a friendly and loquacious chap, not a cold-blooded killer in a poncho. It happens in music, too, except that the persona is (usually) far closer to the star’s actual self – which spells disaster when they expand into movies.

Movie stardom – real, proper, old-school stardom – depends on mystery. Can you seriously tell me one thing about George Clooney, other than that he thinks genocide is A Bad Thing? Music, on the other hand, is aside from very few cases about the artist expressing their true selves. Whether it’s delta blues or some hipster moaning about his parents’ divorce, there’s no mystery. They’re not playing a character. When one of these musicians appears on screen, then, they can never get lost in the character the same way a movie star can. Sure, there’s as much facial recognition, if not more, but the difference is that you know Tom Hanks through a succession of characters he might have something in common with, and you know Jon Bon Jovi from hoofing himself around singing Livin’ on a Prayer. Since you’re so familiar with him playing himself, the quasi-anonymity needed to be a successful film actor just isn’t there.

As always, there are exceptions. If you’ve built a career on being theatrical and aloof in the first place, it should be easy to jump the bridge into film. However, it’s a rare and cherishable thing – for every otherworldly Bowie in The Man who Fell to Earth, there’s a freakishly mannequin-like Madonna in Body of Evidence. Rappers have long been been a reliable seam of surprisingly good actors – but for every Eminem in 8 Mile, there are plenty of Ice Cubes sullying themselves in fare like Are We There Yet?

And let’s not forget that even outliers like Bowie and Eminem have their blotchy copybooks as well. Even with the good ones, the odds are pretty long on them doing anything worthwhile, and the smell of the dillettante is never far away. Why, when acting is so notoriously hard to find success in, should the titanic self-regard of most rock stars be rewarded with a parachute into movies? You don’t see Steven Spielberg or Al Pacino trying to storm the charts, and the days of the multi-talented, multi-platform entertainer in the Sinatra mode are gone. Thom Yorke’s unlikely to assay the Dane. Must we suffer through the ego trips of people for whom whole stadia howling their names just isn’t quite enough?