Closure Needed: What KIND Of “Inanimate Object?”

Closure Needed: What KIND Of “Inanimate Object?”

Don’t you hate it when storytellers leave you hanging? It’s not so bad if it’s just for a week, or a Netflix series where you can just keep binging for another hour to see how things resolve, but when it’s a one-off anecdote and you never get to hear how things turn out, or find yourself denied important details, it’s enough to make you stomp your feet and pull out what’s left of your hair at the same time.

Calico finds it especially annoying in the context of true-crime stories in local news reports. How dare those heartless reporters — how can they not give us the full contents of the police report they clearly have it right there in their vicious little hands? It’s not enough to know a man has been arrested for indecent exposure for engaging in a sex act in his own driveway; we need to know more! Read all about it in Calico’s latest post: Closure Needed: What KIND Of “Inanimate Object?”

When it comes to stories which leave unanswered questions, I have more patience for the lack of closure in some contexts than in others.

If we’re talking about Netflix series which leaves you hanging at the end of an episode in the middle of the season (as their series like Stranger Things do with regularity) it’s no problem for me at all. After all, it’s up to me how soon I watch the next episode, so if I just can’t stand not knowing how things work out, I need only add one more hour or so to my binge and I’ve got my answer.

Unresolved story lines in the season finale are more frustrating, of course, because then you’re stuck waiting months, even years, to see how everything turns out. Or, in the case of old HBO shows like Deadwood, they leave you hanging at the end of a season only to never return at all – something which probably ought to be a capital offense.

Letting The Drama Build Up, One Detail At A Time

On the one hand, I gotta hand to the folks at the Lancaster Eagle Gazette, because they do know how to build things up, revealing details in a slow drip, which keeps the reader’s attention and encourages her to read the whole report.

“Man charged in connection with sex with an inanimate object in his driveway,” the headline states – which is a simply fantastic headline, obviously. I mean, who doesn’t read that and think “What kind of inanimate object?” or perhaps “Would he be in less trouble if the object had been an animate one?”

Thus hooked, we read on.

“Who needs privacy?” the article begins. Ah, leading with a rhetorical question – very clever Eagle Gazette auteur, very clever indeed. Now, I’m wondering not only about the nature of the object this man was allegedly fucking, but also pondering whether I’d be inclined fuck inanimate objects solely in the privacy of my own home, or if I might find it extra thrilling to hump, say, an antique dresser (or particularly sexy foot stool, perhaps) in the center of Main Street?

“Apparently not Derek R. Peelle… according to the Fairfield County Sheriff’s Office,” the story continues. “Deputies arrested him for indecent exposure after a neighbor called sheriff’s deputies and said Peelle was having sex with an inanimate object in his driveway around 12:30 p.m. Thursday.”

The news-tease continues, as now it becomes clear Mr. Peelle was having sex with the object in broad daylight, yet we still know only that the object was lifeless, but not what sort of object it was.

This is where things take a turn for the less-than-satisfactory, however, because it soon becomes clear we’re just never going to get the answer we crave…

OK, So LAST Time He Fucked A Piece Of Furniture –You Still Haven’t Answered My Question!

As news articles often do, this one takes a sudden turn into background facts – which is nice, but still doesn’t help fill in the blanks which would enable us to develop a full mental picture of Mr. Peelle and his (evidently) favorite “inanimate object.”

“This is not the first incident involving Peelle and the neighbor,” we’re told. “On Feb. 20, the neighbor called the sheriff’s office and said Peelle was having sex with a piece of furniture in public.”

OK, this is certainly important context, but really it only raises more questions. What kind of furniture? Was it a nice piece? Walnut, oak, pressboard, a cheap plastic chair? When you say “in public” did this incident also take place in Peelle’s driveway, or did he head over to Ikea to recreate his favorite episode of Hookers at the Point? C’mon Eagle Gazette – throw us a bone (so to speak) here!

Nope, no such luck. In fact, not only do we not get those questions answered, they never even reveal what, precisely, Peelle was alleged to have fucked in his driveway on Thursday.

Making matters worse, the writer has the audacity to reference a third incident, but provides no details at all about that craven caper.

“The neighbor told deputies a similar incident occurred last summer.”

Oh great, he told the deputies about, but we don’t to hear one salacious thing about the “similar incident”?

I’ll tell you what, Mr. Unidentified Neighbor, Mr. Peelle may be an inanimate object-fucking miscreant, but you’re nothing but an unidentified Neighborhood Watch cock-tease. Even worse, you’re a voyeuristic unidentified Neighborhood Watch cock-tease from the sound of it.

“Deputies said the neighbor took a video of Peelle allegedly performing a sex act in his driveway.”

Dude… You won’t say what Peelle is alleged to have fucked, even though the act was captured on video?

Is there a Pulitzer Prize available for fucking with a curious reader’s head and nobody told me? For shame, Eagle Gazette, for shame.

Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the web’s original porn site for women by women. With over 16 years’ experience of writing about and for the adult entertainment industry under her belt, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite.Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.

Calico Rudasil is a feature columnist for Sssh.com, the web’s original porn site for women by women. With over 16 years’ experience of writing about and for the adult entertainment industry under her belt, Calico qualifies as something of a Web Porn Dinosaur; similar to a tyrannosaurus, only with far more attractive arms and a less pronounced overbite. Calico’s work has appeared under various pen names in adult industry trade journals and on several mainstream op-ed portals, including the Huffington Post.

Married to a Ghost – It seems like nothing is forever in this world. One day, you can be the apple of someone’s eye, the next they’re kicking you to the curb like you’re a soccer ball made of trash and evil. As it turns out, not even a love so strong it defies the […] More

There are typos and then there are OMG, WTF, LMAO typos — the kind of mistakes which can end jobs if the bosses in question are sufficiently unforgiving. You know where I’m going with this: Yes to THAT typo, the one about Julia Roberts and all the things in her life which are only getting […] More

In Calico’s estimation, it’s one thing to be a jerk, but quite another to be cliche jerk. Being unoriginal simply exacerbates and enhances your jerkishness in the most obvious of ways. For example, if you’re going to insult a person whose last name is “Hart,” and you immediately think to hit them with a zinger […] More

If you’ve ever found yourself sitting around with friends trading tales of woe, whether it was about awful first dates, terrible travel experiences or embarrassing moments in the workplace, you may have had one friend whose stories always seem to top everyone else. That friend is not Calico, whose wildest, dumbest and most harrowing […] More

Men are well-known for exaggerating their sexual exploits. From the guys you knew back in high school who boasted about (usually imaginary) out-of-state girlfriends they hooked up with over the summer, to some of the most famous men on the planet, overstating the number of sexual encounters and different partners they’ve had is so common […] More

Like most of us, Calico loves reading a good, weird nakedness news story. Whether it’s about random people humping cars, Doritos-based police techniques for rounding up escaped livestock, or people solving the Rubik’s cube while underwater, she’s always up for some timely strangeness. This week, Calico got two true treats on the weird-news-involving-nakedness (and/or half-nakedness) […] More

Don't Miss

Welcome To Erotic Scribes!

If you enjoy a fun and educational approach to sexuality then Erotic Scribes is sure to please. No boring, dry articles here. From Passionate Sex to Smart Porn, the news, articles and opinions on sex-related topics are interesting and entertaining. And the erotic videos and sex toy reviews are designed to enlighten and entertain.

And because Erotic Scribes is designed for women, there's a range of information from mild to wild suited for your individual preference. So check us out, and be amazed at some of the features designed to excite, educate and possibly even surprise you.

Erotic Scribes is the free news and information site published by Sssh.com, the web's destination place for erotica for women, by women.

The views in our op-eds, and news commentary do not necessarily reflect the views of Sssh.Com, its owners or staff and are solely the opinions of the contributing authors & journalists.

Feeling Kinky?

Trending Now

Married to a Ghost – It seems like nothing is forever in this world. One day, you can be the apple of someone’s eye, the next they’re kicking you to the curb like you’re a soccer ball made of trash and evil. As it turns out, not even a love so strong it defies the […] More