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Unorganized Musings From the Last of 2009, Heading Towards the Coming Year:

Friday, January 1, 2010

Sitting, waiting for Lightroom to behave itself so I can quick-edit a photo or two to finish the year off with.... Thinking it might be a no-go, since I've re-tried to twice and LR has decided it is NOT in the mood to work on a holiday. {eta: gave up on LR, went with PS for now...But the pics are there. Aren't we cute?! Love my family!}

Ah well. Nothing to do but remain zen about it.

Something I've been better at recently... Staying ZEN. Feeling centered. Reclaiming my Chi. If you haven't seen me around here this past week, it isn't (FINALLY) because of moving frenzy... It's because I have been deeply entrenched in glorious holiday revelry and laziness with my family, both immediate (LOVE my boys!) and more far-reaching (LOVE my sibs and parents!). It has been so easy to stay unplugged a bit, and to stay away from WORK and from CHORES and from the computer that has as many responsibilities attached to it as friends and connections... Easy to glance over at my new desk corner in my new home and say, "Not today. Maybe tomorrow. Or maybe not."

It has been a good week. Good to do this. Good to take a break. Good to STOP.

And I feel GOOD. Can I just say how incredibly GOOD I feel?? Being here, this new cozy home, its red living room, its soft, quiet HOME-ness.... The little picket fence, the squirrels staying busy in the bare branches of the trees in the yard... the kitchen with its abundance of counters (compared to the attic!)... The small corner of the living room where my sewing machine fits and I can have a project going at all times... The too-small bed with its impossibly soft pillow-top that encourages more-than-usual snuggling with one's true love.... The couch-instead-of-futon that continues that theme of snuggling, both with my love and with my baby... The calm. The stillness. The STOPPING of frenzy and packing and worrying and anger at Masons.

Peace, being right where I think we need to be, for the all-too-brief respite of the next seven months before we dive back into uncertainty, packing, and moving... to an as-yet-undetermined New Home. I'll take it-- this seven-month respite we've begun.

So much running through my mind, now that I am free of the weight of that Attic and its last days of angst. So much to ponder and wrap my mind around, now that my mind is clearing from the madness of full-time business-crammed-into-fulltime-parenting. This break from work, this freedom from Masonic obligation.... Suddenly I feel myself thinking, and pondering, and actually hearing my own thoughts.

A few things I am beginning to step into and run through my mind a bit:

- Who I want to ACTIVELY try to be, as a mother... It is not enough to passively let the days go by, without at least a mission statement of what I want my children to get from me and remember about this time. I knew who I was when I got married, but things have changed since that decisive time, and it's time to reformulate my image of myself and who I AM, and how to reconcile that with who I AIM TO BE.

- How to be an artist among the mess of bookkeeping, diplomacy, marketing, and other left-brained necessities of doing photography for money.

- What really matters, and what can be sloughed off, especially in relation to STUFF we own. How to be a sentimentalist AND be simple at the same time.

- How to get some of the ever-present unfinished tasks OFF the to-do list once and for all.

-What it means to be a friend, and how to learn how to be the best one to some, but also not have to be everything to EVERYONE...

...Oh, there's a lot more thought that drifts into my mind and lodges there for a time, now that there is a bit of space in my head for thinking. A lot of the wheels turning are turning around projects that my silly brain hatches--- mentally constructing the perfect carrying case for our portable DVD player and its accessories (still hashing that one out. Might give up on it and just BUY one!).... Designing future toys and playthings for Noah.... Scheming about perfect gifts for perfect people I love... Creating hypothetical art.... Sorting and organizing our old life into this new life in my head first, so I can get to work on it in real life when I get a minute. Lists... Plots to the books and movies I am letting myself indulge in during my winter break....

My mind is a BEEHIVE, I tell you.

And.... there is this undercurrent of desperation to get it all on paper, or get it all started-and-maybe-finished before the onslaught of sessions again in the early Spring... And if this winter is anything like last winter, I will be surprised by sessions coming out of nowhere, and I will be busy again before I know it... And there is this strange dichotomy of relief to NOT be working now (I must MAXIMIZE this freedom and use it for equal parts to-do-list and lazy indulgence!) and panic at NOT having money coming in... This weird place between working and not working where I NEED to have more sessions to calm the money fear, but don't WANT the sessions for a bit longer so I can live MY life a bit...

Which, realizing that, reminds me I need to continue to learn how to BE ME, and keep my life, even among the madness of a busy season.

But maybe not yet... Maybe I will continue to get a BREAK a bit longer, before having to teach myself how to fit authenticity into the frenzy.

So. Heading into 2010 (here we are! You are here, New Year!).... I hope for January and maybe even February to be a time of staying in, going within, being quiet and focused and gently-paced as I do projects for ME and MINE, and complete MY photos and photo albums, and read a few novels, and listen to good music (my iTunes Genius gave me Iron&Wine, Joshua Radin, The Weepies, Regina Spektor, Nickel Creek, Colin Hay, James Taylor, and so on this evening. LOVING it!)... I want this peace I am feeling to last as long as possible, so I can maybe practice maintaining it when it gets busy again. Gotta build up the "peace muscles" for a while first though.

My New Years' Resolutions? I don't have many... Have not been deeply passionate about RESOLUTIONS for some time now... But my little things I want to actively focus on as January begins:

1. Stretching my body every morning... Noah has enjoyed doing this with me. It feels good!

2. Beginning "The Artists' Way" 12-week journey NOW, while 8 of the 12 weeks are relatively slow... (Anyone want to come along? We could email each other about it!)

3. Getting a handle on 2006-2009 personal photos and getting them into books.

4. Praying with more consistency and resolve.

And with that.... I think my mind has settled down for the evening and I feel ready to go to bed and begin next year tomorrow. I am EXCITED. I am so genuinely centered and EXCITED. I love this feeling.

*

Up tomorrow: Two or three sessions to share, as I get to the end of the 2009 sessions. I am sorely behind still on sharing, so I will flood the blog with about 14 sessions and minisessions in the next week to end my 2009 Photography Year right.... And then, some time to maybe just blog about..... the food I've been making. Or the things I've been sewing... Or the books I've been reading... Who knows? :) It's my break from business, and I am loving every minute!

(Oh, but I DO have to make some announcements about the biz in the next day or two. So I'm not COMPLETELY away from the "office"... So yeah. Gotta do that. Get some announcements ready to post... Hm. But not tonight.)

I am on many of the same pages as you with all you have expressed above. I want to be real, feel more real and live more real in my day to day life - pray more consistently, live more easily with my business and being an artist, and be more centered.

Thank you for sharing your spirit with so many Emily! I'm so happy you are where you are --- and accept it.

Hi, Emily! Your mind sounds a lot like my mind. I've thought about you and our one little lunch date often this last month. (Usually while I was driving to and from the city to visit my dad in the hospital.) Hopefully we can get together more in this new year.