Wilmer Valderrama

FYI: Wilmer Valderrama probably had sex with this girl he met at the beach in Miami on Sunday. I don't know how this impacts your life in the least, but I just thought you should know. Carry on with your day . . .

"Wilmer and Eva went in and sat down next to each other - and as soon as the lights went out, she tucked her arm under his and they held hands the entire play," an eyewitness reports. "She kept whispering in his ear and laying her head in his shoulder. They were really the cutest couple."

The pair, who are volunteering together to help encourage Latino Americans to vote this fall, left the performance together after giving Eva's former castmate Felicity Huffman a standing ovation. (Print Edition - 11/12)

There really isn't much of a story here. Being surprised by Fez putting his monster pipe into a battle-hardened veteran like Eva Longoria is like being surprised that the Sun dips under the western horizon every night and returns in the east every morning. It's only amazing to overly dramatic assholes or people who ate paint chips as children. The only thing that's throwing off my spidey sense here is that Eva is laying down for a guy who doesn't have a career anymore. Usually she spreads for guys who are about to become famous so she can swallow their souls and live another 15 minutes -- sort of like a fame-whore black widow. Hey, worked for Madonna.

Wilmer Valderrama has officially hit the "I don't give a shit anymore" level. His cockiness level is so high after nailing so many young, wide-eyed Hollywood starlets (the latest being Minka Kelly, who flew into LAX with him) that he's now openly wearing ridiculous mesh shirts in public. Why? Because he can. And if you make fun of him, he'll fuck your sister and then not call her. He'll do it, man.

Wilmer Valderrama has a new notch in his bedpost: Minka Kelly. Your move, John Mayer. May I suggest Miss [insert Eastern Bloc country here]? From the New York Daily News:

Minka Kelly is swapping ball players for the Hollywood variety. A source at Beacher's Madhouse on Saturday night spotted Wilmer Valderrama exit the Hollywood club to escort Kelly and her friend inside. "He didn’t need to come outside and get her," said the insider, who added that Kelly, who arrived at 12:45 a.m., could have gained access on her own accord, and that Valderrama had arrived earlier in the evening with Hayden Panettiere and a few others. Once insider Beacher's, where Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus also spent the evening, the actor stayed by the side of Derek Jeter's former squeeze for the entire night. The source adds, however, the pair were careful about appearing too affectionate inside the trendy club. A friend of Valderrama's says the famous twosome "are getting to know each other" right now.

Oh, no. Minka Kelly is getting rutted by Fez? Damn it, I thought Minka was better than this. For those of you not in the loop (which is virtually all of you), Wilmer Valderrama has a legendary hose, and he's a Jedi Master with that monster of his (as he'll gladly tell you). Here's what Minka needs to know about Fez: the price for the promise of multiple orgasms is your soul. It's fine if you don't believe me, but at least look at the evidence. He stabbed Misha Barton in the cervix and the act murdered her career. Ashlee Simpson had the voice of an angel until Wilmer stuck his microphone in her mouth, damaging her vocal cords beyond repair. Wilmer's biggest conquest is still Lindsay Lohan. Do we even need to go over her shenanigans? Minka, you already took his bait, but there's hope. The only way to break a monster hog addiction is by getting a better hog inside you. In other words, I'll pencil you in for sometime in June. I'm sorry, but it's the best I can do.

Pacific Coast News says that's Wilmer Valderrama in New York yesterday sending "a new mystery girl home in a cab" no doubt after a night of carnal pleasure. Wow, he actually walked her out and hailed a cab for her? The most I've ever done for a chick I hooked up with was let her borrow my bus pass, and that's only because she promised not to tell anyone about the weeping.

Demi Lovato and Wilmer Valderrama used to date back in the day, and then Demi went off the rails, did too many rails, and ended up in rehab. Wilmer must have realized that sex with crazy chicks can be pretty fun because the two are back together and were spotted getting "hot and heavy" at Seth MacFarlane's party last week. A witness told Life & Style:

"They showed up together and made no effort to hide that they're back together. They were stealing kisses throughout the night, holding hands and just seemed to enjoy being together. Demi couldn't seem happier about it!

"They were dirty-dancing to the music, and when they were seated, Wilmer had his hands on Demi’s knee the entire time. He was being very boyfriend-like and affectionate."

Demi is still dating Wilmer? I guess now we know why she likes to cut herself. In all seriousness though, what do all of these hot starlets see in this guy? Finding a tiny Latin dude to date in Southern California isn't exactly hard to do -- just stand out in front of Home Depot. Besides, as a millionaire in his 30s, Wilmer shouldn't be dating a 19-year-old. That's disgusting. He should be dating someone younger.

And Wilmer Valderrama is back, folks! The New York Post says the actor has been seeing Demi Lovato since May, which is funny because she didn't turn 18 until August. Oh shit.

Following a breakup with Joe Jonas, Demi Lovato clung to an older actor, Wilmer Valderrama. Before the Disney star entered a facility for "emotional and physical" issues, sources said Lovato, 18, introduced pals to the "That '70s Show" star as her boyfriend. Valderrama, 30, first connected with Lovato when they filmed a public-service spot together in Chile for earthquake relief in March, around the time she announced her relationship with Jonas. "The two started seeing each other in May right after her breakup with Jonas," a source on the tour said. "She would show us pictures of them together."

Another source said Valderrama has been a big part of Lovato's life leading right up to her decision to seek treatment.

Considering it's illegal for 30-year-olds to bang 17-year-olds in 49 of 50 states (still unsure about Florida), Wilmer is obviously denying the rumors:

What is with this guy? He hooks up with Lindsay Lohan, her life and career go into the toilet shortly after. He hooks up with Demi Lovato, she's in rehab six months later. He's leaving a trail of destruction in his path. His penis is an F5 tornado and these Disney stars are just trailer parks to him. I better warn my mom to stay away from this guy.

Are Wilmer Valderrama (seen above in Beverly Hills earlier this year working as a valet . . . he is the valet, right?) and Avril Lavigne dating? Um, I don't know. Wait, who is Wilmer Valderrama? An insider told Life & Style:

"They have been friends since working together on Fast Food Nation in 2005, but things heated up last month. One of their first dates was Oct. 29 at Nobu in West Hollywood.”

Avril, 25, and Wilmer, 29, took things public at LA club Wonderland last Saturday. "She had her hand on his knee and they were whispering in each other’s ear, laughing," says a witness. "They even closed the club, sneaking out just after 2."

Avril wasn't flirting with Wilmer -- she was trying to figure out who the hell he was: "Wait a minute, don't I know you from somewhere? I swear I've seen your face before, many many many many years ago . . ."