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May 2, 2018

I want
this blog to be a fun, uplifting place, with cute crafts and dreamy
photographs. (who doesn’t?)

I also want it to be real, though. And something is
heavy on my heart right now. Okay, it’s actually been heavy on my heart for
quite sometime, but today I’m pouring it all out in hopes that it will help me
heal a little (and maybe it will help someone else, too).

...........................................................

We’ve
gotten the questions for quite awhile now, “Are you guys going to have more
kids?” “When are you guys going to add to your family?” “Doesn’t he want to
carry on his legacy?” etc., and the questions have only increased since we’ve been
engaged/married.

They’re
well meaning, I know, but that doesn’t mean they’re any less hurtful and
intrusive. Because the truth is, we probably won’t have kids, and I’m still
processing that. Every time the subject is brought up though, the scab is
ripped off my wound that is desperately trying to heal itself. Every time that
we have to answer “no, probably not”, the subject gets rehashed between the two of us.
Every time someone says, “he will change his mind”, I feel resentful again.
Every time someone says, “but she’s still so young, you should really give her one”, he
braces himself for the bad mood of mine that he knows is coming.

It is
hard, you guys. A serious. mental. mind. screw. And we’re actually tremendously
blessed, because physically, we probably could have children if we wanted to.
Our decision is based on other, personal, factors that the whole world doesn’t
need to be privy to.

I cannot
imagine how much worse it would feel to a couple trying to have a baby. I cannot fathom the pit in her stomach when
she politely says, for the 123rd
time, “maybe someday” instead of explaining how she’s already lost three. I
cannot imagine the amount of tears that follow when people make comments about the
clock ticking down, because she knows her clock broken. & I cannot imagine
the anger that flows through her when people say, “well you know how to make
that happen, right?” when she answers their “are you pregnant?” with, “I wish”.

Everyone
is different. Maybe they can’t have kids. Maybe they don’t want kids ever.
Maybe they don’t want kids for now. Maybe she does, and he doesn’t. Maybe he
does, and she doesn’t. Or maybe they just haven’t decided yet. No matter the
case, it isn't anyone else's business.

I refuse to be the reason someone's scab is ripped off. Or the reason a couple is rehashing the same subject, again. Or the reason that a woman cries in despair, when she's reminded of her body's unwillingness to give her the one thing she longs for. So I will never, ever ask someone if they're planning to have kids, and I so hope the universe returns the favor to me. -AB