FOR SOME REASON, PEOPLE ARE STILL COMING TO THIS SITE PRETTY FREQUENTLY. THIS WORDPRESS PAGE IS LIKE AN 8 INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV . CLICK THE LINK BELOW FOR THE 60 INCH PLASMA VERSION, COMPLETE WITH PORN, HD, AND SURROUND SOUND. (Note: There’s not really porn. It was an analogy.)

I’m not proud that people search fart or camel toe to find this blog, but I guess that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. But who the fuck searched kiddie porn? And why does a search for kiddie porn bring someone here?

I’d like to say right now that this website does NOT condone kiddie porn. If thats what you’re into, we kindly ask that you stick to MySpace like the rest of the pedophiles. Thank you in advance.

Now, I’m not very political, and thats not the point of this site at all. If something in the news doesn’t concern my fantasy baseball team or some sweet titties, I’m probably not interested. And yea, I voted for Obama, but it was mostly because he plays basketballand watches The Wire. But regardless of who you voted for, you can’t deny that Obama is the fucking man. He’s our generation’s Frank Sinatra or Fonzie.

A while ago I asked a friend of mine, who’s both a big golfer and a big pot smoker, if he would rather golf 18 holes with Tiger Woods, or smoke a joint with Barack. He answered smoking with Barack quicker than the man, the myth, the legend himself swatted that fly.

It should also be noted that if George Bush ever tried to pull this off, he probably would’ve slapped a baby or poked his own eyeball out.

Wow. What the fuck is going on here?? Apparently the song is from a Zelda video game, but I had no idea black dudes even played video games other than Madden, let alone had dance parties to the Zelda soundtrack.

On a sidenote, big up to the Indian dude from Parks and Recreation for posting this video on his blog. Not that he reads this site (your loss Indian dude from Parks and Recreation), but apparently I should be crediting other websites when I find shit like this. Whatever.

Some umpire at a high school baseball game in Iowa ejected over 100 spectators from the game for being “unruly.” Now, I can admit that umpires have a pretty thankless job. If they do their job right, nobody notices, but if they screw up, everyone hates them. However, I still have several issues with this schmuck in Iowa.

First of all, this is the most un-fucking-American thing I have ever heard of. Baseball is our national past time, and if you can’t get drunk and yell obscenities here, what the fuck are you supposed to do? Be one of those fucking weirdos who goes to a game listening to the radio broadcast on his walkman and keeps his own score card? Fuck that. You know where else they kick fans out for heckling? Fucking Baghdad. And Nazi Germany. And probably North Korea too. (Or maybe South Korea? Whatever the bad one is with the funny little guy in charge.)

Secondly, unless I’m playing in the game, this ump has zero authority over me. I know it. He knows it. Everyone should know this. As far as I’m concerned, I would tell this ump to take the $25 he makes per game and stick it up his cunt. OK, I probably wouldn’t say cunt if there were parents around because I’m kind of a pussy and I wouldn’t want any of the parents in attendance to tell my mom what I said. But I digress. This isn’t the 18th at Augusta. This is a freaking high school baseball game!! Heckling is just as much a part of baseball as Dominicans, sunflower seeds, and steroids.

Its also important to remember that this game was in Iowa. Last I checked, the Hawkeye State wasn’t exactly a thriving cultural center. Once you get kicked out of the local high school baseball game, your entire weekend is pretty much shot. All because of some shithead umpire.

After unsuccessfully trying to switch blog sites from shithole wordpress to another site, I would like to announce that I am back and soon to be better than ever. The move is still in the works, but after several days of meetings with my legal counsel, management board, and an expert team of communications technology specialists, I am putting the 2hotty guarantee that the new site, once it arrives, will shatter the glass ceiling for this blog. And for those who know me, you know I don’t throw 2hotty guarantees around lightly.

I also want to apologize to the faithful minions who check this site on a daily basis (I’m talking to you, Kevin Allen) and were left with no news of the retarded for several days. For that I am sorry, and I hope you can forgive me. (And for the record, even with this week-long hiatus, I am still banging out like 50 hits a day without even trying. Who the fuck is reading this?)

In honor of my return, I would like to give a shoutout to legendary rapper turned pastor turned rapper again, Ma$e. Its not everyday somebody can rap about making money without the coca and living la vida without the loca.

Two things. 1. Note its the kid to his left that is fucking with him. 2. Why the fuck did he take his shirt off?

VERDICT:
closed-fist is usually always better than an open-hand bitch slap, but in this case the bitch slap was fucking AWESOME. and now that i think about it, ripping your shirt off before slapping someone out of their goddamn chair is fucking badass. touche

I can only assume Megan Fox is better than a picture of a guy with his dick cut off. Much better.

CAIRO (AP) — A 25-year-old Egyptian man cut off his own penis to spite his family after he was refused permission to marry a girl from a lower-class family, police reported Sunday.

After unsuccessfully petitioning his father for two years to marry the girl, the man heated up a knife and sliced off his reproductive organ, a police official said.

This is the ultimate catch-22. Sure you may think you’re spiting your family by cutting your dick off, but in the long run you’re really just fucking yourself. But since you no longer have a dick, its impossible to fuck yourself. Condundrum!!

VERDICT:
whether you’re married or not, you’re gonna need that dick, buddy. have fun sitting to piss the rest of your life

I have no idea if this was actually put out by Gillette or not, but assuming it was…ummm WHAT THE FUCK???

VERDICT:
its a very bizarre feeling to know i can’t find a job in my preferred field due to hiring freezes and the diarrhea’d economy, yet gillette is putting out videos for how to shave your nuts. thanks SO much college. fuckmylife

This article claims these freakshow cows are developed by breeding local Belgian cows with British cattle. Or…..maybe these cows have just been hanging out with Barry Bonds.

In all seriousness, if LeBron James was a cow, I think it’s safe to say this is what he would look like. Now, I’m a big LeBron James fan. He’s my age, he is a fucking beast, he does some funny commercials(and no, I don’t count the puppet commercials with Kobe as funny), and I can’t wait for him to be on the Knicks in another year. But if you don’t think LeBron James or these freakshow cows are hopped up on the craziest steroids you’ve ever heard of, then you, loyal reader, are the fucking retard.

VERDICT:
i think there’s a chicago bulls joke somewhere, but i got fucking hammered last night and am still hungover, so i don’t feel like thinking too hard. deal with it

Think what you will, but little kids freaking out like a bunch of retards is always hilarious in my book. A few years ago I worked at a summer camp, and one time this kid was running toward some metal bleachers, tripped over his own little retard feet, and cracked his forehead on the side of the bleachers, resulting in an inch-wide gash and plenty of blood. Granted, it was probably pretty painful, and he probably has a badass scar years later, but he was freaking out like an autistic kid during a school fire drill, and we had to shoot him with 3 horse tranquilizers just to calm him down. OK, I made that last part up, but this kid was FREAKING out.

I’m not quite sure if that story has much to do with this video, but what the fuck is wrong with this little girl? She’s standing there freaking out like that guy in Austin Powers who’s about to get run over by the steam roller, but has like 2 full minutes to move and still gets run over. And how big of a cunt is the mother? Jesus mom, relax.

VERDICT:
children……our future? or the biggest fucking retards on earth?

I don’t know how credible this “Russian Today” website is, but I don’t even think you could make this shit up. Two tourists from St. Petersburg were visiting Florida, when they apparently got wasted and decided to eff a porcupine….even though that is strictly forbidden by Florida law.

Of all animals to NOT eff, a porcupine seems like a no-brainer, right up there with a bull, crocodile, and Sarah Jessica Parker. Why this would even need to be a law is completely beyond me, but I digress.

Anyway, this porcupine decided she (he?) wasn’t in the mood to be Eiffel Tower’d by a couple of shitfaced Communists, and she/he let them know.

The newspaper didn’t go into technical details about what happened next, but the next day both men, who spent the night taking a flight to Los Angeles, had to go to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. The diagnosis was hardly unexpected: porcupine needles in the genitals.

The damage caused by the porcupine fighting for its honor was horrific. Both Anton and Evgeny had severe inflammation and nearly lost their private parts. At least they didn’t have to answer to the law, having left Florida before seeking medical help.

So to review, these 2 double-teamed a porcupine, mangled their junk, and flew from Miami to Los Angeles with porcupine needles in their dicks BEFORE going to a hospital!!

VERDICT:
i’ve gone entire flights having to take a shit or sitting next to a fat guy. i once threw up all over myself 2 hours into a 20 hour trip back from australia to the US. another time i watched the fucking notebook because that was the only movie being shown on the flight. but none of that can possibly compare to a cross-country flight with porcupine needles stabbed into your balls. that is fucking retarded

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Ugh, Indian people are smelly enough, but this dude didn’t shower for 35 freaking years?!! Thats’s fucking gross. He probably smells like Big Foot’s dick.

Well get those narrow-minded, ignorant thoughts out of your head you racist piece of shit, because Kalau Singh is the fucking man. Apparently, after having 7 daughters, he got fed up with those whiny little bitches, so he changed up his daily routine to ensure his next kid would be a boy. Apparently back in the day, “a seer once told Kalau that if he does not take a bath, he would be blessed with a male child.” Not sure what this seer’s credentials were, but Kalau took his advice to heart.

Kailash “Kalau” Singh replaces bathing and brushing his teeth with a “fire bath” every evening when he stands on one leg beside a bonfire, smokes marijuana and says prayers to Lord Shiva, according to the Hindustan Times.

Except for standing on 1 leg next to a fire and praying to Lord Shiva, I have the exact same evening routine. Though I also brush my teeth and shower. So really not the same routine at all except for the marijuana part, but Kalau sounds a lot more interesting than when you first started reading, doesn’t he?

Kalau said, “It’s just like using water to take a bath. A fire bath helps kill germs and infection in the body.”

It should be noted he was probably high as shit when he said this, seeing as how the grocery store he used to own was forced to shut down when customers complained of his “unhealthy personality.”

VERDICT:
on 2nd thought, when other indian peeps are complaining you smell, it must be awful. unless his son is the next slumdog millionaire, i don’t think it was worth it

A 2cm long fish apparently found it’s way into the penis of a 14-year-old boy from India in a bizarre medical case.

Ugh. Well, between that and the headline, this story is pretty self-explanatory. The boy claims this happened when he was cleaning his fish tank at home, which raises the question why the fuck was he cleaning his fish tank with his penis???

If you want to dry-heave, feel free to read the details of how doctors removed the fish.

VERDICT:
i don’t buy that this happened when he was cleaning his fish tank. seems a little fishy to me. ba-dum-chh!! either way, the fish might be just as retarded as the kid

NOTE: some of the pictures for this were just fucking disgusting. google “fish penis” if you really want, but you’ll probably dry heave again

What a genius marketing campaign. In case gambling, legal prostitution, and drinking 24 hours a day weren’t enough to entice you to visit Las Vegas, now there’s a parade of 300 hot chicks walking around in bikinis.

This was done to mark the 50th anniversary of the construction of the neon “Welcome to Las Vegas” sign that greets the city’s visitors. Whatever.

VERDICT:
not sure i see the connection between a neon sign and 300 chicks in bikinis, but i really don’t need to see a connection as long as i see 300 chicks in bikinis. in the words of those weird cartoon-guys from the guinness commercials, “brilliant!”

A prisoner in England jammed his dick in his fly. Normally, doing something like this makes you pretty retarded, because it obviously hurts like a muthafucka and there’s a good chance a part of your junk will get caught in your zipper, making it look like a piece of chewed Juicy Fruit is stuck to your pants. But that is hardly retarded enough to warrant a mention here. Shit happens.

But prisoner Kelly Edney is retarded because he did this on purpose, as part of a grand scheme to be taken to a hospital and escape from there. Not quite the Shawshank Redemption, but I guess its better than being raped in the shower.

Once at the hospital for his zipped up dick, Edney went to a bathroom, got out of his handcuffs, and escaped out of a window to sniff the sweet smell of freedom. Unfortunately, once escaped, he proceeded to assault a woman, steal her car, and then was caught again after a high-speed police chase.

On the bright side, nobody wants to rape him anymore because his dick looks like an old teething toy for babies.

VERDICT:
whether you crawl through a pipeline of diarrhea like andy dufresne or mangle your dong like kelly edney here, you sure as hell better make sure once you’re free you don’t get caught again. retard

First of all, I am well aware this is the 2nd fetus-in-the-fridge story in the past week. I’d like to point out that I don’t actively search for these kinds of stories, but anytime somebody puts a dead fetus in their own refrigerator, its fucking retarded no matter the circumstances. I’m pretty high right now, and when I’m high I can usually think of some crazy shit, but there is NO situation I can possibly think of right now that would make sense to put a fetus in your fridge.

Aside from that, Gloria Ramirez is probably the worst mother of all time. Not only did she put a freaking fetus in the fridge, but she has 9 other kids, is prego with numero 10, and her house had mice, roaches, dirty diapers, and garbage all over the place. So Happy Retarded Mother’s Day to Gloria. See ya in 22 years.

I’m not a fag, so I don’t speak French, and I’m not a crazed serial killer, so I don’t really know what the shit is going on here, but apparently this commercial was made for the Canadian equivalent of the slurpee. And apparently Canadians like their slurpees to be made from clowns that have been heinously and viciously slaughtered.

Oh. My. God.

VERDICT:
i’m not ashamed to admit that clowns terrify me. there’s an 80% chance i have a nightmare about this tonight and wet the bed

Some hotel resort in jolly old England was having a “Welcome Family Holiday Party” when people got drunk, shit went down, and a bunch of people in costumes started brawling. If this doesn’t sound like a kickass party to you, well, you probably just don’t know how to party and are lame as fuck.

Someone who was working at the party said, “It was rather comical in some ways because of the fancy dress costumes people were wearing.”

Rather comical in some ways? This would be fucking AWESOME!! Think back to a time you were at a party and completely shitfaced. At the height of the party, when you were at your pinnacle of shitfacedness, between pulling the trigger, ripping another shot, and housing some Bagel Bites, wouldn’t a fight between Spiderman, an Oompa-Loompa, and a Teletubby have been the most amazing thing you could’ve asked for?? I rest my case.

If I ever make it on The Price is Right, you can bet your bottom dollar I’m going to bid either $69 or $420 on something. Dr. Bummer is clearly on the same page as me.

The crowd loves it. Drew loves it. Good times all around. The only disturbing thing is the Showcase Girl is about 7 months preggers. The only thing fatter than her is Drew Carey’s glasses. And Drew Carey.

Another brilliantly clever headline from a British newspaper. This is probably why we whupped them in the Revolutionary War in the first place. Screw shitty tea and high taxes….America always has been and always will be about captivating news titles.

Anyway, guy is getting a beej in the car from his secretary. Guy’s car gets hit by van. Guy gets his dick bitten off. Yada yada yada. Imagine the thought process in this guy’s head when this happened. He went from feeling like the king of the world to feeling like his dick got bitten off…..because it did.

Keep in mind this happened in Singapore, where they beat the shit out of you for throwing gum on the sidewalk. I can only imagine the punishment for biting off someone’s weenis.

To add insult to injury, a private detective hired by the woman’s husband apparently saw the whole thing. You could say she was caught red-handed. Literally. Because there was blood everywhere, and she probably had blood on her hands. It’s a shame because this is probably the last dick she’ll ever put anywhere near her mouth.

VERDICT:
retarded. i guess you could say she bit off more than she could chew. heyyy ohhh!!!!

If I told you I had a video of Megan Fox waking up, drinking a Miller Lite in a bathing suit, grilling some chicken out by the pool, and then licking her lips in a mirror wearing a tight black dress, is that something you might be interested in? And if not, what the fuck is wrong with you??

Vodpod videos no longer available.

VERDICT:
this is not retarded at all. if she was any hotter my computer would burst into flames

OSHKOSH (AP) – An Oshkosh area woman says she fears her husband may have gone sleepwalking and drowned in the Fox River.

Cherie Merkes says her 55-year old husband, Michael Merkes, had been feeling tired and sick before he dissappeared last Saturday. She says he took a prescription sleep aid Friday night, and they agreed he would go to a walk-in clinic Saturday if he did not feel better.

Well this headline doesn’t leave much to the imagination. But some girl, who I guess is kind of hot, had a miscarriage in the middle of the night. So she calls her local hospital, and a nurse tells her to put her miscarriage in the fridge to keep it cold until the girl’s appointment 2 days later. For the record, Wikipedia defines “miscarriage” as a spontaneous shmashmortion. Ugh.

So what does this chick do? Well, lets ask her.

“I put it in a Tupperware box and sealed it up and wrapped it in a plastic bag because I could see the arms and legs and some of the head and put it in the fridge towards the back. It was horrible. Every time I went to the fridge I had to look at it.”

EWWWWWWWWW!!!!

Who is more retarded here? The nurse who told her to save the aborted shmashmortion in the fridge? Or the dumbfuck who actually did it??? Trick question. They are both fucking retards.

VERDICT:
classic example of retarded math. 1 retard + 1 retard = a fucking miscarriage in the back of the fridge

The other day I posted this link to the anti-boner. Well, this video is the anti anti-boner. Its a trailer for Jessica Biel’s new movie Powder Blue, where she plays a stripper. Yep, you read that right. Jessica Biel learning how to strip and dance around in fuckme pants. Between this and porn star Sasha Grey in a legit movie, I like the direction Hollywood is headed.

Did you ever get a boner at the worst possible time? Maybe at the beach or just walking down the street or something? Well now there’s a solution. Look at this picture below, and think about it next time you feel an unwanted woody on the rise. Because I guarantee if you think about this image, the blood will run so fast from your dick back to your face you might get a bloody nose.

Peanut butter and jelly. Kobe and Shaq. Wireless internet and taking a shit. Rocking titties and a tank top. What do these things have in common? They are all legendary duos that alone were great, but together formed the kind of perfect union that cupid could only get wet about.

But now, two great things are about to combine in the kind of majestic fusion of genius that gives me hope for the future of mankind. Two words. Three syllables. One dream.

Seinfeld. Porn.

Yup. That just happened. Some porn genius director started filming Seinfeld: A XXX Parody. I think thats pretty self-explanatory. You might recognize some of his earlier work, Scrubs: A XXX Parody. Seriously.

VERDICT:
i wish they got elaine for this when she was in her prime. the contest episode is going to be MUCH different

**After a bit of a hiatus from updating this kickass site for no good reason whatsoever, I have been inundated with pleas and pathetic begging to continue blogging by my countless fans and followers. And by countless fans and followers, I mean Krista. And away we go…

Woody Harrelson was walking through La Guardia Airport with his daughter the other day, when a paparazzi dude started following him and taking pictures. Woody flipped out, smashed the dude’s camera, and shoved him in the face.

Normally this wouldn’t be very big news. I mean, who wouldn’t get a little pissed if you just landed at shithole La Guardia and some faggio was following you around with a camera. But, Woody’s reasons for fighting back are completely fucking retarded.

Woody explained, “I wrapped a movie called Zombieland, in which I was constantly under assault by zombies, then flew to New York, still very much in character. With my daughter at the airport I was startled by a paparazzo, who I quite understandably mistook for a zombie.”

First of all, who knew “paparazzo” was even a word? Secondly, umm what the fuck are you talking about Woody? You “quite understandably mistook a cameraman for a zombie”? How does that work? Good thing you didn’t try to drive a wooden stake through his skull.

I’ll admit I don’t know what the premise of Zombieland is, but you’d think a guy who just finished filming a movie about an entire land of zombies would have some experience in taking those fuckers out. And I’ve seen Dawn of the Dead enough times to know you don’t kill zombies by smashing their cameras. Any jabroney worth his weight in salt knows you gotta aim for the domepiece and either bash their fucking brains in or blow their fucking brains out.

VERDICT:
if i’m woody harrelson, i don’t make up an excuse this retarded unless i actually believe it, in which case i might be fucking nuts. but after browsing his biography page on imdb (father sentenced to 2 life sentences for judge-murder, recovering sex addict, vegan, pot activist, had a song written for him by hootie and the blowfish – yes, the hootie and the blowfish), woody harrelson might actually be the coolest motherfucker around

If this video doesn’t prove that women’s basketball is a whole different ballgame than actual men’s basketball, I don’t know what does. Can you imagine Jim Calhoun yelling “poop” to UConn at halftime of the FInal 4 this weekend? OK, maybe Hasheem Thabeet.

VERDICT:
you ain’t so bad? thats not exactly “win 1 for the gipper.” retarded

It is a bittersweet moment here on Webcam Friday. For starters, this will be the last Webcam Friday….ever. I know, I know. You think your Friday’s just won’t be the same without a regularly scheduled 3-4 minute video of some fucktard singing and flopping around to some queer song.

But you are wrong. Because this man who’s videos you are about to see, is the be all end all of musical webcam sensations. I refuse to believe I can find anybody or anything better than this guy on a weekly basis, so I am announcing the retirement of Webcam Friday while we are still at the top of our game. Think of this like when Michael Jordan retired early, but I promise Webcam Friday won’t make a pathetic return bid with Washington and miss a dunk in his last All-Star game.

It is my honor to introduce to you Mr. Gerry Phillips, who claims to have been honing his art for the last 39 years, and is something you need to see to believe (and if you can see it stoned, even better).

My biggest problem with this was picking which video to select, since Gerry has over 100 videos of his musical stylings. Seriously, this was such a tough decision. Its like when I first discovered youporn, and my brain almost exploded because I had an infinite amount of material to work with and didn’t know where to start. I imagine this is the same sense of overwhelment that Dewey Decimal felt before creating his library system. With that said, here are 2 videos. Some Journey to appease the masses, and some Stevie Wonder because, well, I freaking love that song. Let it rock Gerry.

VERDICT:
if gerry can get millions of people to view his videos, and do his thang on jimmy kimmel live, well, if you still think the world isn’t retarded after that, i don’t know what to tell you

Do you know someone who rips stinky farts on the reg? Here is the perfect giftfor them, and its only $9.95 for a 5-pack. If you’ve ever practically tasted a fart because it smelled so bad, you know this is a bargain.

For the record, I know the video is 1:31, and personally my attention span for a youtube video is only about a minute, but just watch it until the end when the bald guy sharts himself. Sharts hard. I just feel like this is the kind of thing where you’ll want to know what people are talking about when it comes up. And it WILL come up.

VERDICT:
either so fucking retarded or absolute genius. i have no idea

At 4:30 today, a show called Fresh Cutz with LBJ aired on NBA TV. Comcast’s description of this show was, “Following LeBron James as he gets a haircut.” And yes, that was Cutz with a Z. We. Are. Fucked.

VERDICT:
as a friend who was watching said, “too much basketball, not enough hair cutting”

After minutes and minutes of searching high and low for a great video, I found this dancing unibrow. Listen bud, just because you call it a “parody” doesn’t mask the fact that you recorded yourself dancing to the Spice Girls and posted in on the internet for the ENTIRE WORLD to see. I guess you have to pass the time some how when you’re not meeting up with 12-year olds from Myspace.

Some dick tortured a cat named Possum with an air rifle by shooting it 27 times in the neck and the head. Now, I’ve lived with cats before, and sure they kill mice and its fun to fuck with them by shining a laser pointer on the wall, but bottom line is that cats are weird as shit. And anybody who owns more than 1 cat is just as weird as their little shitrats.

All cats do is shit, eat, sleep, stare out the window, and if they have owners that smoke weed, they get high. Maybe I’m just jealous of that incredible lifestyle, but cats suck. They puke all over your stuff, scratch you for no fucking reason, run up and down the hallways at night like a fucking mental patient on crack, and will conveniently come sit in your lap right after they drop a deuce and have little kitty-dingleberries caught under their tail. Cats can all go fuck themselves for all I care. Even you, cute little cartoon cat from Shrek. Fuck you.

With that said, I would never shoot a cat 27 times in the neck and face. Mostly because I’d be horrified the thing would turn back into a witch and cast a spell on me or something.

For the record, the cat survived, and makes 50 Cent look like a pussy for only getting shot 9 times. Just kidding Fiddy. Anyone who made the bullet proof vest fashionable is badass enough for me.

VERDICT:
the cat is probably most traumatized from being named “possum”

Back off ladies. Unless you have anti-lock brakes and side impact air bags, this guy wants nothing to do with you.

For some reason, Jordan Witham not only let it be known that he fucks his car, but he let himself be interviewed about it. And when I say he fucks his car, I don’t mean he bangs chicks IN his car, or that he’s a bad driver and fucks UP his car. By fucks his car, I mean that he has penis to tail pipe intercourse. Yep. You just read that in a sentence.

And his Dad knows about it. And he named his car Ingo. Now enjoy the highlights.

-“I don’t fancy people. It’s cars that do it for me – I don’t want to marry or have kids.”

-“I could feel myself falling in love while I worked on Ingo. I once became so aroused, I started rubbing her bodywork and masturbating. It didn’t feel strange, just really exciting. After a few minutes, I felt a desire to connect with her further, so I had penetrative sex with the exhaust pipe.” (Note: WHOA!!)

-“I don’t always have sex with the car. Sometimes I stroke and kiss her bodywork, or rub myself up against her. If I’ve just been driving her, I have to wait for the exhaust pipe to cool down before I have sex. And I always use a condom because of all the dirt and dust inside.”

-Jordan, who also masturbates while reading car magazines, has spent over £2,500 refurbishing Ingo.

-Now he has spent a further £200 on a “boy” car, a Trans Am he calls Todd, and is experimenting with a “gay” relationship. Jordan says: “He’s very masculine. When I first bought him, I felt like I was cheating on Ingo, but now we all work well together.” (Note: Uhhh…..what?)

-“I have sex with Ingo more than Todd because Todd is kept in the driveway, not in the garage. I have to sneak outside in the middle of the night to have sex with him.”

Minka Kelly has NOTHING to do with this post. But goddamit she is so fucking hot.

In Brussels, 756 people set a world record by waiting in line to use a single toilet. The record was set in some kind of effort to raise awareness for clean water on World Water Day, whatever the hell that is.

In other news, another world record was set when 756 people in Brussels all did thepee-pee danceat the same time.

VERDICT:
the toilet everyone was waiting for was actually fake. how many people in line do you think actually knew that? retarded

A hearty Mazel Tov to this week’s Wednesday Band of the Week, Mission Hill. That makes it an unprecedented 5th week in a row. You might be wondering why this adorable little puppy is staring at you above. Its because if you don’t click the link below and check out the Wednesday Band of the Week, I swear on my brothers’s life this little fucker is going feet first into the garbage disposal. Unless you want the next picture of him to be the horrified look on his face as he feels the blades slicing his fuzzy little paws, I suggest you just check the band out. I mean it.