Caregivers Support Group

A voluntary caregiver is a spouse, relative, friend or neighbor of a disabled person or child who assists with activities of daily living and assists those unable to fully take care of themselves. The challenges of a caregiver are unique and sometimes it's hard to find people to talk to who know what you're going through. Join the conversation and find others who...

Feel so alone, angry and confused..

I know you probably been asked this so many times, but I don't know where to go or where to turn. I been caregiving my mom (74) for about 5 years. She has gotten progressively worse in health, memory and ability to take care of her self. She lives in her own home we built for her about 50 feet away. It is very difficult because I am an only child and she has no other family.
She has always been very strong and in demanding her own way. To be honest she can be very mean and be difficult to get her to do anything she doesn't want to.
It is coming down to where i will need to make her do certain things she will have to do, like stop driving (She recently had a wreck).
I know I need to get her assesed mentally and have made an appointment to talk with her doctor. I think she is starting to suffer from dementia. I don't know where to start to get her help and assistance from the different programs. There is so many websites and so much info, I am so overwhelmed.
I am just hurting right now and upset I have to deal with this. I love her to death,but you have to know my mom. I know anything that will need to be done will be a fight and constant turmoil with her and me and I am not looking forward to the constant fight.
Please anyone have any advise or anyone that may have a mom like mine and how do you deal with it. Also can you point me in the right direction as far as programs etc. I would so appreciate it so much.

Sorry you are going through this. My hubby has a severe TBI and I care for him. Since his injury, he has been wanting to drive. To the point of being abusive about me not letting him. He doesn't think anything is wrong with him. Your mother may feel the same way. Finally, I gave in and took him to the DMV. There is a box to check if there has been any problems in the last 5 years that could effect his driving. He wasn't able to fill it out, so I checked the box, but left It blank as to why. The lady asked him the question directly and she told him that they would have to send a safety evaluation to his Dr. I know the Dr. won't let him drive and he has asked each and everyone repeatedly. Problem not quite solved because he blames me for marking the box, but now he understands that it is not me that is keeping him from driving. The Dr. sent a report to them already. I don't know the policy there in GA, but hopfully, this is info you could think about. He gets so mad, but I have to do what I have to do to protect him and others. Good Luck to you. Mary Ellen

Thanks, Mary Ellen. I plan to meet with her doctor and talk to him and see if I can get any idea's. I think she needs to be on an antidepressant, which hopefully will help with the anger she has.
My mom has been verbally abusive all my life, that is one reason I moved away. But when my stepfather died I took on the responsibility of her care, which I don't mind. But I have had to draw boundaries in what she can and can not say to me. And it has worked so far, but things are a changing... And I just know I need help with it.
Thanks so much..

Dear Bev, life is so hard at this time in life for you and your mother. Both of you are going thru so many changes. Mary Ellen gave you some good advice, go thru your moms dr , and when they hear from them and not you, the pressure is off you. With my mother I made app with her dr and told her all what had been going on. The dr began to put things in action for me, for one the antidepressants was a great help, made her easier to deal with. And you need to get someone in to give you a break, she does need to be assesed first and then they can tell you what help can be given to you. A few hours or half a day gives you new hope, and you are refreshed for awhile, and can cope better. That changed my life for me, also if she needs to be bathed etc, that can be put in place as well after she is assesed. Also you need a support group esp if you are the only daughter, I was in same position, my only sister lives far away and comes only for aprox dive days visit each year. And my mothers brother and sisters are ill and cannot get out or be of any help. My world changed when my mother got ill and needed to go to hospital, and she had been falling as well, and from there the doctor and I made plans to have her transfered to a nursing home. That was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life, but I knew I had to think of my mother and what was best for her care, and for me as well. That was a year ago, and I faithfully visited her daily for three months , so she did not feel so alone, and all the emotional things one goes thru when there is such a change and your independance is taken away.
Now do to my own health, just had kidney cancer, and trying to recover[thanking the Lord I am cancer free] I had been going every second day till surgery. It has been a hard road, but its beginning to look a bit brighter each week, more acceptance, and of course the demenisha is getting worse, but I take one day at a time. And prayer, that gives me strenght for each new day. I hope and pray that you can get the ball rolling thru the dr and assements. And do get connected with a support group, there are many caregivers out there, and you do not feel so alone. Take care, Marrwood.

Not that any of this will be the answer, but let me just tell you how it went for my mom and me.
She's soon to be 87, for years she has been saying she will never go to nh, no assisted living, she will stay in her home with her husband (not my dad) forever, dont even discuss it....then she got Parkinson's and she really got dependent and ended up in the hospital with dehydration. From there she went to a nh, which we called &quot;rehab place&quot; for rehab actually. then she went back to hospital...then back to &quot;rehab&quot;....and because of the nice people there, the thought that she is at a rehab place and not a nursing home or assisted living, she gets treated so well she feels like she's on vacation...can you believe it? I can't.

Nobody was more against a nursing home than my mom..she got soooo mad when we mentioned it. She would act like she would hate me for it, but she doesn't. She's cool with it.
She may say that she wants to go home and if she does I'll find a way to work that out, but for now, she loves it there, she never says she wants to go home. The best part of all this was that I never MADE her go anywhere, she just happened to get sick and need hospitalization and then rehab..and that's what she gets...they work on her 5 days a week to help her mobility.

I hope this at least shows you that it can be done kiddo, she wont hate you if you continue to show her how much you love her and be by her side. Bless you...Melody

I also live in Atlanta and have some experience with what you are dealing with. Have you ever tried Wesley Woods? It is a geriatric hospital next to Emery. They can evaluate her and they specialize in the elderly. I to can totally identify. My grandmother had dementia and moved in with my mom when they moved to atlanta. my grandmother would get angry at her all the time, like when my mom would talk on the phone too long, my grandma would not come out of her room. My mother had minimal quality of life. We eventually placed her in assissted living which was wonderful. Oh she still complained but she really felt safe there and the stimulation was so good for her. My mom is an ovarian cancer patient and the stress of living with my grandma was so overwhelming. My grandmother was on an anti depressant and arisept and really did well. Some of the Senior centers in ga have terriffic programs for seniors with dementia, alzhiemers, physical impairments etc. I don't know where you live but some of them provide transportation and are not expensive. I know sitters are expensive but it is so important you take care of yourself and have time for you. There is also the area agency on aging. they sometimes have programs to assist care givers.

I am sorry u r going through this. Do u have any other family members that can help u? Can u get a visiting nurse to come in and help u? Can u maybe pay someone to sit with your Mom for awhile? Her dr. should b able to help u with your Mom. My Dad can't drive anymore. He blames my Mom all of the time for his not driving. He has dementia very bad. His memory is about 3 minutes...maybe. He isn't abusive though. He asks the same questions over and over again. But he is happy almost all of the time. We have talked about this problem many times. Our family decided if Dad wasn't abusive he wouldn't be placed in a home. That would b r last resort. Your Mom would benefit from a anti-depressant. Her taking that med would help u too. Don't care for your Mom so much as to make yourself sick. If u r sick who will care for u? I wish u only the best.

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