Search

I confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, ‘Are you having it catered?’

*

Just before the funeral service, the undertaker asked the elderly widow, ‘How old was your husband?’

’98,’ she replied; ‘two years older than me.’

‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.

She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?’

Age Gets Better With Wine (Photo credit: Jill Clardy)

*

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’

The woman replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

*

I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have poor circulation and can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can’t remember how many years it’s been since my 85th birthday. But thank goodness, I still have my driver’s licence.

*

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But by the time I got my leotard on, the class was over.

*

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed. ‘Why Wal-Mart?’

‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week.’

*

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Want to know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

*

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

*

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

I welcome your comments but be warned: I'm menopausal and as likely to snarl as smile. Wine or Maltesers are an acceptable bribe; or a compliment about my youthful looks and cheery disposition will do in a pinch. Cancel reply

Enter your comment here...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

Email (required)(Address never made public)

Name (required)

Website

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. ( Log Out / Change )

This Is Me:

I am a little fat. I like food; what can I say? I have dull hair: mousey. I don’t wear much make-up and have no need of a dressing table. If I look like a bag lady, I chose my own clothes. If I look nice, the Hub picked them for me. Despite all this, I am a little vain. This photograph is from 2003. I had to go back that far to find one of me that I liked. But I don’t really care: my husband still thinks I’m beautiful and if he doesn’t, he loves me enough to lie about it. I’m lucky. I have two boys. They never lie to me. Still, you can't have everything.

Get Updates by Email

Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email. I blog a LOT. Don't say I didn't warn you.