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Relationship Talk: Ten Things I’ve Learned…

My husband and I have been together for a little over ten-years, prior to our relationship my last relationship experience was full of drama, fighting, and cheating, so I knew dysfunction pretty well to say the least. To say I was completely ignorant in relating positively within a relationship was an understatement.

I have to give my husband props for sticking it out with me in the beginning, he didn’t have to, I was damaged goods with two kids and yet he saw something in me or he has the patience of a saint. I’ve learned a lot from him and about myself during our time together and I’d like to share.

Ten things I’ve learned over the last ten years of my relationship.

1. Effective Communication

Disagreeing doesn’t always mean it’s time to fight and argue, just because you don’t hold the same view points doesn’t mean you have to pull out a knife and start shanking each other. Active listening and understanding helps in coming to a resolution even if the resolve is to agree to disagree.

2. He/She is NOT your ex

Your ex is your ex for a reason, just because they did something(s) that hurt you doesn’t mean all men/women are the same and that hurt will be repeated in your new relationship. It’s a new relationship leave that old shit at the door, starting fresh could make the difference of a wonderful blossoming relationship or hell take 2.

3. Insecurities

Try your best not to push your insecurities you have about yourself onto your partner. The things you hate about yourself have nothing to do with how they see and feel about you. You hate you booty, your partner may love your booty don’t try to change their opinion just because you have issues with it, you may be sorry in the long run. Being insecure is tough, but it becomes even tougher when those insecurities begin to take over your relationship, due to your inability to see the beauty in you. It’s best to talk about them either with your partner, a friend or a professional therapist. Don’t leave those bad boys to fester and grow into a relationship eating monster you’ll regret it.

4. Family

Keep your family out of your business! The worst thing you can do is vent to your family when your partner pisses you off, because your reason for becoming frustrated or angry now becomes their reason and after you all have made up and are lovey dovey, your family member remembers every little detail and will more than likely hold on to that information. If they already feel a way about your partner this is now a reason to be even more in their feelings about your partner. Everything isn’t for everybody, if you have a problem with your partner take it up with your partner they are the only person who can fix it, additional input is not needed.

5. Friends

See 4

6. Ignoring an Issue is not solving an issue

When we first got together my husband would ignore me when we would have a disagreement or if I did something to his disliking, after seeing that this technique doesn’t work with a person like me, we both agreed the best way to resolve an issue is to talk it out. No matter how angry or uncomfortable we may be, ignoring one another should never be an option.

7. Honesty

I’ve had female friends and family members tell me “you should never tell him everything, girl” I disagreed then and I disagree now, I try to be 98.9% honest with my husband (the other 1.1% are the times I’ve made a purchase and didn’t tell him about it. we all do it don’t judge me!) before we were married and even now. I told him my “number” in the beginning, he didn’t like it, but I gave him the option to decide if he wanted to be with me based on that number. I tell him practically everything, obviously discussions I have with friends that have nothing to do with him aren’t told to him because it’s not concerning him.

But I have to feel safe that I can be me with him otherwise why are we even together if I have to hide parts of me out of fear of rejection. I’ve shared things about myself that I’ve never shared with anyone else and hopefully he’s done the same. I feel this way nobody can tell my husband anything about me that he didn’t already know. No surprises.

8. Money

Money is one of the if not top reasons for divorce in the U.S., for relationships where you live separately this topic probably never comes up, but in cohabitation relationships and marriages money is an important one. Have the money discussion early on, having an understanding on how you both view finances is important. This way you can come to some type of agreement on how finances will be handled within your household or else you’ll definitely end up fighting all the time over it and possibly ending your relationship over it. The whole “my” money “his” money thing doesn’t say team and that’s what you are in a cohabitating relationship or marriage, a team.

9. Religion

As traditional as it sounds (which is weird for anyone who knows me) you should probably know each others beliefs and viewpoints because they may clash. I’m not religious (not to be confused with an atheist, I believe in a creator, I just don’t believe in the institution of religion), I don’t believe in religion in the biblical sense, I don’t go to church, I don’t talk about church, I just don’t do church.

My husband was still kind of Christian when we first got together, he was having his on personal conflicting battle with his religion. I made it clear to him that I was and will never be interested in becoming a christian or partaking in anybody’s religion and if that was a problem we’d probably have to separate. Luckily for me we both feel the same way about religion and were able to move forward in our relationship.

10. Intimacy

Just because you all have been together since the “dark ages” it doesn’t mean he/she doesn’t want still feel excited by you, making your partner feel sexy and wanted will keep them from wondering what it would be like to be with someone else intimately.

I’m going to be realistic here, everyone, man and woman finds the opposite or same-sex (depending on what you like) attractive/appealing and there is nothing wrong with that. What you don’t want is for an innocent attraction to turn into them leaving your ass because your too lazy to initiate sex, two out of the three or four times a week that you get it in.

If you’re only having sex with your partner two days or less out of the week you should be ashamed of yourself, YES I’m judging you.

Well hopefully someone out there reads this and finds some usefulness…

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One thought on “Relationship Talk: Ten Things I’ve Learned…”

Hey, I find this useful! All of it is so true! And certain parts really struck a chord with me.

Good communication / keeping others out of the relationship became an important lesson for us very quickly. And I think I can relate with the honesty thing – as soon as my husband and I began our relationship, suddenly a ton of my female friends (and some family) were telling me to keep all sorts of secrets from him. And they began giving me all kinds of bad advice (which I thankfully didn’t take). My husband’s male friends / family did the same thing with him. They all tried to make us see it as “If you tell him / her your business, they’ll control you.” But we both basically saw honesty as just another facet of “good communication”. Yeah, if you can’t be yourself with your own spouse, with whom can you?

I hear you on the religion thing. Nobody is going to force me into a church. My husband is Jewish, but not religious. He doesn’t agree with religious rules, or with how people have used it to mistreat and segregate each other. I’m Jewish (because my mom is)… but I don’t go out of my way to tell people, and I’m decidedly not religious (parts of the white Jewish community in this country haven’t always been very welcoming towards me). Religion has always rubbed me the wrong way, because there always seems to be one rule or another about how I’m not someone else’s equal.