L.M., from US (submitted Oct '09)

Name: LM

Home: U.S.

I am married to a man with three Adult children. I have one Adult child. Our children do not live in our home.All of the children live a distance from us...mine lives a couple hundred miles away,his live five states away.I respect the fact my husband has children,he needs to consider them, be there for them and they have a right to knowledge/involvement about things that effect them also with their father.

The problem I am having is I can't talk with my husband about our financial future.What to do in case he becomes ill,incapacitated,or God forbid passes away without his focus being on his children to the point of argument.If he passes he basically wants his children to handle things because he made a verbal agreement between he and his kids- they pay his final expenses with an insurance policy he has for them.He feels this agreement will make it easy for me.

None of this is documented he just trusts they will handle things and if I disagree and ask for him to legally document it in the future so there will be no future misunderstandings- I'm accused of "thinking less of his kids" and out to "get them out of the picture".And that I "want everything" that he will have to "tell them he will have to have a relationship with them separate from me because it's obvious I will never get along with them".All because I do not have blind faith his children will adhere to this verbal agreement like he does.

He also feels because his siblings took care of all for his father when his mother passed-funeral arrangements,power of attorney,etc I should be comfortable his daughter's will take care of all via this verbal agreement- because "they will do this for their Dad"- an agreement made before our marriage and my only role is to be at the funeral and cry and be grateful his daughters are there to take care of everything.That's what I feel he is expecting of me.

I did not marry a wealthy man and I have helped him the best I can through out our relationship and I knew he had children.

I have expressed to him what he has provided for his children is none of my business.I don't want his kids and ex wife's(they have a disabled Adult child she cares for) insurance policies.It is between them only and I will never interfere with that.

I only needed to point out to him if something happens and I have to keep the household finances up while he is unable I have no access to be able to do so.When I ask what do I do?It turns into an argument over his daughters rights instead of a conversation about both of our responsibilities to our marital home debts and each other- which we are both legally responsible for and effects us both-not just his children or mine.They do not live in the marital home.Why should that be their business?

All I ask for is to be honestly advised,given his permission to be able to take care of business of the home we share and not to be left hanging with little ability to do so and be at the mercy of his children when it comes right down to it.

It's not that I don't want his kids to help or be included in his life but I feel he is taking control and rights from me to the point of me not being able to even pay our utility bills in the event of a crisis without having to turn to his daughters.I need some control over what is my life too.

I have far less income at the moment and he is the primary source of a lot of what gets paid(I will be working hard to change that by improving my own situation and employment ).I feel he doesn't even trust me enough to sign for health care for him if I would need to on his behalf although I plan to give him these rights as my spouse and access to my income if I am in a position I can't get to it and he needs it for our debts.

So,now I'm second guessing myself wondering if I am expecting too much asking him for some basic spousal rights.I am praying about it,I do have a copy of Ron's book and I don't know if my husband will ever read it.He told me reading the books and focus on the family articles is fine but I needed to be able to discern what advise to take and what is or isn't good for our situation.I agree but I feel he will pick and choose advise to consider that supports his view,wishes and ignore the advise that may support my view.

I love my husband,I want to have a decent relationship with his daughters and hope for mutual respect between myself and his ex wife even..I respect she is the mother of his children and she seems like a decent person.I just don't know where I stand in his life compared with these people and it's causing resentment and fear because of uncertainty but I'm keeping it in check because it is his inability to include me or trust me that is causing it.

Am I expecting too much from this marriage and my husband?Am I being selfish for thinking of my own protection?I feel sick over this situation.

"My name is Tracy. My husband and I attended your stepfamily conference recently. I wanted to send you a note to say THANK YOU. It was a life changing experience. Through your conference God has opened our eyes and our hearts to so many of the misunderstandings and feelings of frustration we have been having during the course of our three years of marriage. With five children (ages 7 to 17) there were lots of misunderstandings! We will continue to seek God’s word in growing our family and our marriage. Praise God for you and this ministry."