I’ve been using this blog all wrong, I’ve been trying to write to an audience, believing that people will be reading. That changes what I say and how I say it. It brings a fear of judgement and retaliation to my writing, which means I’m never honest with myself. That needs to change.

This is my blog. It needs to be written from my heart. I need to be honest with myself if I ever expect to be believed. This is my space to find a place for my thoughts and feelings. If they’re not liked it’s ok, because without putting them out there I can’t grow and expand. If I quash them then they’ll never evolve.

Last week I felt like I needed a friend on my text list who didn’t exist. Someone who was in my contacts that I could message without worrying about what they’d think or feel about what I was saying. Someone who would listen but not take on my words. Understand without judgement because they’re not real, they’re not there, they would never answer so I wouldn’t have to ignore their advice.

I get so fed up of hearing myself moan in my own ears that I bore myself with the sea of negativity. I know I should snap out of it, I know I’m lucky beyond belief, I know beauty and happiness but I still fall foul of the droning moaning. That’s why I’d like a friend that doesn’t exist. If I could bug them with the things that aren’t really problems maybe I could let them go much quicker and with ease. There’s no maybe, I know I would.

I thought about typing in a random number and sending them the messages, but somehow I think the poor unsuspecting person on the receiving end just wouldn’t appreciate the offloading!!! In fact I’m sure it’s a good way to becoming labelled as officially insane.

That’s why I wanted to change the way I use my blog. I’d like my fingers and thoughts to be fluid, one enabling the other whilst the words find their way into the universe. A place to organise thoughts and reflect on feelings so that I can achieve my goals.

My life has changed so much recently, but then when I look back this isn’t something new. Change is what I need, every decision I have ever made in my life has been to implement change. I’m an evolver, I like to grow, I like to become a better person inside and out, so I’m constantly making changes in my life to move me forward.

Inevitably some of the choices have been the wrong ones, and it’s taken me longer than it ever should have to change those mistakes. I thought if a choice was made then you should honour the path it leads you on. Now I’ve learned that paths lead backwards as well as forward, some even have smaller routes leading off from the side. No choice has to leave you buried in concrete. There is always room for adapting your choice, and if it’s really necessary the choice can be changed. It’s happiness that matters more.

Life is a short lived and fragile blessing given to us. We have to be the best we can in a way that enables us to experience the joy of life to its fullest.

Seeing my family and friends smile, hearing their laughter, reaching goals and creating dreams. It’s all a magical experience that should never be taken for granted or underestimated.

It’s my ability to see life in this way that has probably been the biggest change in my life recently. I’ve always loved being around my family and friends and I’m conscientious to the detriment of myself, but I’d never taken the time to appreciate the nuance of it all.

It’s not just hearing the soothing sound of the ocean, the comfort of soft grass under your feet, the beauty of birdsong, the magic of laughter or the instant charge of energy sunlight gives when it warms your skin. It’s about letting it permeate to what’s within, absorbing the gifts and remembering we are creatures of this planet. We can harmonise ourselves to this world instead of fighting to become a dominator of life and a barcode.

What excites me is I have so much change ahead. Changes that I can control and invite into my life. I have so much to learn, so much to give to those around me and so much life waiting to be loved.

The people who you surround yourself with are so important.

Cherishing moments and seeing them for their potential is a magic that we sometimes forget.