Middlemarch, by George Eliot

Chapter 80

“Stern lawgiver! yet thou dost wear
The Godhead’s most benignant grace;
Nor know we anything so fair
As is the smile upon thy face;
Flowers laugh before thee on their beds,
And fragrance in thy footing treads;
Thou dost preserve the Stars from wrong;
And the most ancient Heavens, through thee, are fresh and strong.
— WORDSWORTH: Ode to Duty.

When Dorothea had seen Mr. Farebrother in the morning, she had promised to go and dine at the parsonage on her
return from Freshitt. There was a frequent interchange of visits between her and the Farebrother family, which enabled
her to say that she was not at all lonely at the Manor, and to resist for the present the severe prescription of a lady
companion. When she reached home and remembered her engagement, she was glad of it; and finding that she had still an
hour before she could dress for dinner, she walked straight to the schoolhouse and entered into a conversation with the
master and mistress about the new bell, giving eager attention to their small details and repetitions, and getting up a
dramatic sense that her life was very busy. She paused on her way back to talk to old Master Bunney who was putting in
some garden-seeds, and discoursed wisely with that rural sage about the crops that would make the most return on a
perch of ground, and the result of sixty years’ experience as to soils — namely, that if your soil was pretty mellow it
would do, but if there came wet, wet, wet to make it all of a mummy, why then —

Finding that the social spirit had beguiled her into being rather late, she dressed hastily and went over to the
parsonage rather earlier than was necessary. That house was never dull, Mr. Farebrother, like another White of
Selborne, having continually something new to tell of his inarticulate guests and proteges, whom he was teaching the
boys not to torment; and he had just set up a pair of beautiful goats to be pets of the village in general, and to walk
at large as sacred animals. The evening went by cheerfully till after tea, Dorothea talking more than usual and
dilating with Mr. Farebrother on the possible histories of creatures that converse compendiously with their antennae,
and for aught we know may hold reformed parliaments; when suddenly some inarticulate little sounds were heard which
called everybody’s attention.

“Henrietta Noble,” said Mrs. Farebrother, seeing her small sister moving about the furniture-legs distressfully,
“what is the matter?”

“I have lost my tortoise-shell lozenge-box. I fear the kitten has rolled it away,” said the tiny old lady,
involuntarily coutinuing her beaver-like notes.

“Is it a great treasure, aunt?” said Mr. Farebrother, putting up his glasses and looking at the carpet.

“Mr. Ladislaw gave it me,” said Miss Noble. “A German box — very pretty, but if it falls it always spins away as far
as it can.”

“Oh, if it is Ladislaw’s present,” said Mr. Farebrother, in a deep tone of comprehension, getting up and hunting.
The box was found at last under a chiffonier, and Miss Noble grasped it with delight, saying, “it was under a fender
the last time.”

“That is an affair of the heart with my aunt,” said Mr. Farebrother, smiling at Dorothea, as he reseated
himself.

“If Henrietta Noble forms an attachment to any one, Mrs. Casaubon,” said his mother, emphatically — ”she is like a
dog — she would take their shoes for a pillow and sleep the better.”

“Mr. Ladislaw’s shoes, I would,” said Henrietta Noble.

Dorothea made an attempt at smiling in return. She was surprised and annoyed to find that her heart was palpitating
violently, and that it was quite useless to try after a recovery of her former animation. Alarmed at herself — fearing
some further betrayal of a change so marked in its occasion, she rose and said in a low voice with undisguised anxiety,
“I must go; I have overtired myself.”

Mr. Farebrother, quick in perception, rose and said, “It is true; you must have half-exhausted yourself in talking
about Lydgate. That sort of work tells upon one after the excitement is over.”

He gave her his arm back to the Manor, but Dorothea did not attempt to speak, even when he said good-night.

The limit of resistance was reached, and she had sunk back helpless within the clutch of inescapable anguish.
Dismissing Tantripp with a few faint words, she locked her door, and turning away from it towards the vacant room she
pressed her hands hard on the top of her head, and moaned out —

“Oh, I did love him!”

Then came the hour in which the waves of suffering shook her too thoroughly to leave any power of thought. She could
only cry in loud whispers, between her sobs, after her lost belief which she had planted and kept alive from a very
little seed since the days in Rome — after her lost joy of clinging with silent love and faith to one who, misprized by
others, was worthy in her thought — after her lost woman’s pride of reigning in his memory — after her sweet dim
perspective of hope, that along some pathway they should meet with unchanged recognition and take up the backward years
as a yesterday.

In that hour she repeated what the merciful eyes of solitude have looked on for ages in the spiritual struggles of
man — she besought hardness and coldness and aching weariness to bring her relief from the mysterious incorporeal might
of her anguish: she lay on the bare floor and let the night grow cold around her; while her grand woman’s frame was
shaken by sobs as if she had been a despairing child.

There were two images — two living forms that tore her heart in two, as if it had been the heart of a mother who
seems to see her child divided by the sword, and presses one bleeding half to her breast while her gaze goes forth in
agony towards the half which is carried away by the lying woman that has never known the mother’s pang.

Here, with the nearness of an answering smile, here within the vibrating bond of mutual speech, was the bright
creature whom she had trusted — who had come to her like the spirit of morning visiting the dim vault where she sat as
the bride of a worn-out life; and now, with a full consciousness which had never awakened before, she stretched out her
arms towards him and cried with bitter cries that their nearness was a parting vision: she discovered her passion to
herself in the unshrinking utterance of despair.

And there, aloof, yet persistently with her, moving wherever she moved, was the Will Ladislaw’ who was a changed
belief exhausted of hope, a detected illusion — no, a living man towards whom there could not yet struggle any wail of
regretful pity, from the midst of scorn and indignation and jealous offended pride. The fire of Dorothea’s anger was
not easily spent, and it flamed out in fitful returns of spurning reproach. Why had he come obtruding his life into
hers, hers that might have been whole enough without him? Why had he brought his cheap regard and his lip-born words to
her who had nothing paltry to give in exchange? He knew that he was deluding her — wished, in the very moment of
farewell, to make her believe that he gave her the whole price of her heart, and knew that he had spent it half before.
Why had he not stayed among the crowd of whom she asked nothing — but only prayed that they might be less
contemptible?

But she lost energy at last even for her loud-whispered cries and moans: she subsided into helpless sobs, and on the
cold floor she sobbed herself to sleep.

In the chill hours of the morning twilight, when all was dim around her, she awoke — not with any amazed wondering
where she was or what had happened, but with the clearest consciousness that she was looking into the eyes of sorrow.
She rose, and wrapped warm things around her, and seated

herself in a great chair where she had often watched before. She was vigorous enough to have borne that hard night
without feeling ill in body, beyond some aching and fatigue; but she had waked to a new condition: she felt as if her
soul had been liberated from its terrible conflict; she was no longer wrestling with her grief, but could sit down with
it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts. For now the thoughts came thickly. It was not in
Dorothea’s nature, for longer than the duration of a paroxysm, to sit in the narrow cell of her calamity, in the
besotted misery of a consciousness that only sees another’s lot as an accident of its own.

She began now to live through that yesterday morning deliberately again, forcing herself to dwell on every detail
and its possible meaning. Was she alone in that scene? Was it her event only? She forced herself to think of it as
bound up with another woman’s life — a woman towards whom she had set out with a longing to carry some clearness and
comfort into her beclouded youth. In her first outleap of jealous indignation and disgust, when quitting the hateful
room, she had flung away all the mercy with which she had undertaken that visit. She had enveloped both Will and
Rosamond in her burning scorn, and it seemed to her as if Rosamond were burned out of her sight forever. But that base
prompting which makes a women more cruel to a rival than to a faithless lover, could have no strength of recurrence in
Dorothea when the dominant spirit of justice within her had once overcome the tumult and had once shown her the truer
measure of things. All the active thought with which she had before been representing to herself the trials of
Lydgate’s lot, and this young marriage union which, like her own, seemed to have its hidden as well as evident troubles
— all this vivid sympathetic experience returned to her now as a power: it asserted itself as acquired knowledge
asserts itself and will not let us see as we saw in the day of our ignorance. She said to her own irremediable grief,
that it should make her more helpful, instead of driving her back from effort.

And what sort of crisis might not this be in three lives whose contact with hers laid an obligation on her as if
they had been suppliants bearing the sacred branch? The objects of her rescue were not to be sought out by her fancy:
they were chosen for her. She yearned towards the perfect Right, that it might make a throne within her, and rule her
errant will. “What should I do — how should I act now, this very day, if I could clutch my own pain, and compel it to
silence, and think of those three?”

It had taken long for her to come to that question, and there was light piercing into the room. She opened her
curtains, and looked out towards the bit of road that lay in view, with fields beyond outside the entrance-gates. On
the road there was a man with a bundle on his back and a woman carrying her baby; in the field she could see figures
moving — perhaps the shepherd with his dog. Far off in the bending sky was the pearly light; and she felt the largeness
of the world and the manifold wakings of men to labor and endurance. She was a part of that involuntary, palpitating
life, and could neither look out on it from her luxurious shelter as a mere spectator, nor hide her eyes in selfish
complaining.

What she would resolve to do that day did not yet seem quite clear, but something that she could achieve stirred her
as with an approaching murmur which would soon gather distinctness. She took off the clothes which seemed to have some
of the weariness of a hard watching in them, and began to make her toilet. Presently she rang for Tantripp, who came in
her dressing-gown.

“Why, madam, you’ve never been in bed this blessed night,” burst out Tantripp, looking first at the bed and then at
Dorothea’s face, which in spite of bathing had the pale cheeks and pink eyelids of a mater dolorosa. “You’ll kill
yourself, you WILL. Anybody might think now you had a right to give yourself a little comfort.”

“Don’t be alarmed, Tantripp,” said Dorothea, smiling. “I have slept; I am not ill. I shall be glad of a cup of
coffee as soon as possible. And I want you to bring me my new dress; and most likely I shall want my new bonnet
to-day.”

“They’ve lain there a month and more ready for you, madam, and most thankful I shall be to see you with a couple o’
pounds’ worth less of crape,” said Tantripp, stooping to light the fire. “There’s a reason in mourning, as I’ve always
said; and three folds at the bottom of your skirt and a plain quilling in your bonnet — and if ever anybody looked like
an angel, it’s you in a net quilling — is what’s consistent for a second year. At least, that’s MY thinking,” ended
Tantripp, looking anxiously at the fire; “and if anybody was to marry me flattering himself I should wear those hijeous
weepers two years for him, he’d be deceived by his own vanity, that’s all.”

“The fire will do, my good Tan,” said Dorothea, speaking as she used to do in the old Lausanne days, only with a
very low voice; “get me the coffee.”

She folded herself in the large chair, and leaned her head against it in fatigued quiescence, while Tantripp went
away wondering at this strange contrariness in her young mistress — that just the morning when she had more of a
widow’s face than ever, she should have asked for her lighter mourning which she had waived before. Tantripp would
never have found the clew to this mystery. Dorothea wished to acknowledge that she had not the less an active life
before her because she had buried a private joy; and the tradition that fresh garments belonged to all initiation,
haunting her mind, made her grasp after even that slight outward help towards calm resolve. For the resolve was not
easy.

Nevertheless at eleven o’clock she was walking towards Middlemarch, having made up her mind that she would make as
quietly and unnoticeably as possible her second attempt to see and save Rosamond.