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Sunday, May 10, 2015

Do you really want to know why the holidays are so freaking hard for single people, especially the newly single? (I've never been an oldly single so it might be the same for them too...)

It seems like you are walking through one of those freaking commercials that pop up at valentines day...
you know the ones...
That have you crying on the couch like fml, with a box of tissues and a glass of wine (or a bottle but thats neither here nor there lol)

And you're over here feeling like your life could be one of those freaking antidepressant commercials... you know where that damn ball is asking you all those questions n the rain....

do you feel sad? YES
are you lonely? YES
do you find yourself crying? YES!!!!!

you get the picture...

It seems like it would be easier just to hide in the house all day, but then movies like The Notebook come on... or better yet P.S. I love you.... and you're like really???? lets just rub it in...

So the next holiday rolls around and you think ok, lets go out with the fam or friends. Then you look around and everyone in the place looks like they are from Stepford...
Happily in love...
holding hands
2 and a half kids...

...everything you thought your life should and would be at this point.

Now I am quite aware that things aren't always as perfect as they appear, hence the beautiful couple across the dining room, that was arguing in the parking lot when we left... hell I was once that couple, so I'm quite aware that looks can be deceiving.

but then you think to yourself, at least there was someone to argue with...
Its that whole negative attention is better than no attention mentality/ battered woman's syndrome. And there is no need to judge I already know how messed up it sounds, but this is about truthfulness and not what sounds good to others...

So you start to think to yourself why is everyone else's life so perfect and fairytalesque, and mine is so.... well a "series of unfortunate events"?

Am i a bad person?
Am i not deserving of a happily ever after?
Am i not pretty enough?
Skinny enough?
funny enough?
smart enough?
Christian enough?
just Enough?

And don't worry this is not a pity party, its just the reality of how holidays feel when you are alone. And it's not like you're alone in being alone, according to the Washington Post 50.2 of american adults are single... I guess just none of them are at the restaurant we went to lol...

So the next time one of your single friends are sad during the holidays please understand that it really is a struggle. And while tomorrow will be ok, today just sucks...

Despite how easily my words seem to come on this blog, in person I'm not always the best communicator. I tend to have two spectrum Absolute 0, my science people understand that this is a little more than just nothing, and 100, where I have this diarrhea of the mouth and say everything that is going through my head all at once.

Absolute 0 I'm OK with, because eventually I express my feelings appropriately once they are thought out.

But 100.... not so much.

I'm usually speaking from a point of anger or hurt and not very considerate of others, which is not how I normally chose to live my life... You'll know if I was in this zone because I usually apologize or attempt to retract those words as soon as I calm down.

While I will not make excuses for myself, I will try to explain. I spent a large portion of my life arguing and in conflict. Quite often those arguments would escalate to a very unhappy place. So I learned not to argue and to just walk away, but occasionally there would be a moment when my heart strings were pulled extra tight, and the chord just resonated with me, when that happened I would go off... Sometimes in anger but most of the time balling and just saying everything that I have held in for X amount of days.

Either way, neither of these tend to be very effective, and when 100 happens, I tend to hurt and potentially lose people who mean a lot to me.

Yesterday was definitely one of those days. Because of my hurt, I chose to push away my friend. Despite my hurt, I never truly want to hurt anyone that I love or care about. And while I hope one day I'll have my friend back (because i already miss the laughs) I understand if I don't.

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

I will never forget that night.... We were at my friend Lisa's lake house, playing a game, and while i don't recall the name of the game, or the other book title options, I remember everyone agreeing in what seemed like a resounding unison, that if my life were a book it would be most similar to "A Series of Unfortunate Events."

I'd read the first book in the series, so i was pretty familiar with the story. Mind you, this was prior to Sean passing (SN: not sure if its a widow thing, but is it weird that my life is defined so far by two sections: prior to, and after Sean's Passing??? but i digress...)

I remember being a bit taken back at first, but quite honestly I could't be that surprised... Hell I choose the same book myself... laughing out loud, but not really laughing. its actually more of a nervous reaction of mine... laughing not to cry...

Why did this get to be MY STORY... i had always imagined that my life would end up being a fairytale. And by all reasoning it had a pretty fairytalesque (yes i made that word up. if you are a new reader its pretty common) upbringing. Grew up with both of my parents, in a fairly well to do neighborhood. Went to private schools until high school, where i went to Law and Science Magnet, on the dance team, honor student in high school and college. hired 2 months into my student teaching... my life should have been a piece of cake... i mean damn.. my sisters even nick named me Chelsea Clinton

But there always seemed to be little bumps in the road... Well actually they were pretty FREAKING HUGE... a series of misfortunate events that would always mess up my "picture perfect" life.

So the fact that "A Series of Unfortunate Events" was my title shouldn't have been that surprising. But it still had a sting to it... Part of the game required the other players to explain why they chose that answer, and for the most part the answers were pretty typical...

"Dude you have bad freaking luck...."

"Ummmmm... The last year of your life..."

"well....uhhhhh......" with a shrug that basically translated to "you already know the deal"

And then it came to my friend Lindsay. She had a different stance than everyone else, myself include, "Well yes you tend to have shitty luck, but you always seem to survive it ..." and i thought to myself, maybe it wasn't that bad of a title after all. Because if i was able to have a "Series of Events" then that meant that i had survived all the previous events, and i would survive whatever hand i was dealt next. (little did i know what was in store)

I think i've always tried to see the bright side of any situation but that comment has continued to resonate with me. It reminds me of what my friend Jill told me "if God brings you to it, he will bring you through it." So when life seems to send me one misfortunate event after another i will just sing to myself....

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the widow

The Widow

Ashley is a mother, a widow, a teacher, a photographer, a starbucks drinker, and a blogger! A sale shopper and loves a mani pedi any day of the week. Addicted to accessories and dollar bin shopping @ target. Loves a spring afternoon on a patio with a margarita or glass of wine.

the kid

The Kid...

Langston, affectionately known as L , already has a personality of her own. She is a brown eyed, makeup loving, soon to be 6 year old diva, that knows what she wants and may scream until she gets it (or guilt trip you into it lol).

She is wise beyond her years, and teaches me something new everyday.

She makes me want to be abetter woman and mother each and every day.

She has a smile that warms your heart and a frown that could melt it too. She is the center of our world and knows it!

The Angel

Sean was a father, a husband, a manager. A griller, a slim jim and meat eater, a poker player, basketball lover... ok a sports in general lover. Loved a massage and to be pampered (especially by the Ash.). A kareokee singer, a dancing machine, and a self proclaimed expert/the best at anything he did.