Cooking for Passover is hard. No bread, no grains. Thank god for the Internet. It is chock full of ideas for creative uses of matzo. Today I found a total winner of a recipe for a No-Bake Matzo Chocolate Cake that makes the two biggest banes of Jewish cuisine palatable: matzo and kiddush wine.

To make fried matzo, you soak the matzo in hot water, break it up, mix it up with egg and fry it. It’s so simple, but so good. I used to eat it all year round (sometimes for dinner), not just on Passover. Then of course I gave up wheat and no more gefrishte matzo for me!

Poor petite moi, now I’m jonesing to fry something in egg. Oh, sure, you can order gluten-free matzo off the internet, and if you’re lucky you might find a local store that carries it. I happen to be entirely too impatient and lazy for that. Plus, have you ever read the ingredients and nutritional info for gluten-free products? Just because it doesn’t have gluten does NOT mean it’s good for you.

The Internet tells me that gluten free matzo is often made from oats so I figured I could just skip the middlemen (that would be the Rabbis and all those other people who know what they’re doing) and decided that my gluten-free oats would do.

Beat egg and egg white thoroughly (this will help you resolve any lingering negativity from that rotten week you had). Stir in oats, cinnamon, salt, and vanilla. Let oat and egg mixture sit for 5 – 10 minutes, or as long as you can stand before going psycho waiting to fry up your breakfast. While popping sprogs because you are impatient, lazy, and hate to wait for anything, heat up your pan with a spritz of cooking spray, wash and slice your strawberries. It’s good to stay busy.

Finally, after waiting about a century, pour half of your oat/egg mix into the hot pan. I like to spread it around and get a thin pancake. Cook til it’s solid around the edges, and just getting brown on the bottom and flip. You’ll know when it’s done on the other side, you’re no dummy. I mean, you’ve cooked eggs before, right?

I ended up eating my first pancake by rolling up the strawberries in it like a soft taco and eating it with my hands. Rude, yes, but no one was watching. I had a teeny bit more self control for the second one, and sprinkled the strawberries on top of the pancake and drizzled maple syrup on top. I ate that one with a fork. Both the syrup and the fork were totally not necessary, by the way. I preferred it as a taco.

Ahem. I would not normally post a lemon-centric recipe on this blog, because citrus is a known migraine trigger. It’s an ingredient that I avoid in all but the smallest quantities. Sometimes, if the stars align, I don’t already have a headache, my moon is in plaid, and I’ve been collecting good karma, I can add a little lemon juice to a recipe without ramifications.

But I got a couple of meyer lemons in my CSA box this week, and there’s no way I can use those up in a short time without running some risk.

So. What’s a girl to do?

Meyer Lemon Meringues

Servings: Eleventy-billion

5 egg whites
1 meyer lemon, juiced and zested
1/2 cup sugar
1/8 tsp turmeric (optional: this was just to make them yellow-ish, since I was planning to also make vanilla meringues)

In a separate, smaller bowl, beat last egg white until frothy. Add zest and turmeric, and beat until stiff peaks form. Fold gently into the egg white mixture in the large bowl.

Cut the corner (just a tiny bit, don’t make the hole too big!) off of a plastic freezer bag. Scoop the egg whites into the bag, and squish out a million little cookies. I like to do a little swirly pile, but you can just blob them out. Each cookie should have about .5 tbsp of meringue. These cookies don’t spread, so you can put them pretty close to each other. I made about 150 cookies, roughly 50 cookies per sheet. You can make them bigger, but I like my meringues to be like me – precious and tiny.

Bake in 200 degree oven for 3 hours. Turn the oven off and leave the cookies in for another hour. Remove from oven, cool, and peel cookies off of the tin foil. This is a delicate operation. Try not to break too many, as you will feel compelled to eat them. Store in airtight container.

Like this:

As any dragon boat paddler will tell you, dragon boat racing is the ultimate team sport. We count on each other to show up and give 100%, both physically and mentally. The mental part of our sport is just as important as the physical part. If you get your head straight on the boat, chances are you’ll have your head straight in life, too.

Focus in the Boat

Some dragon boat races are bigger than others. At the biggest festivals, there can be as many as 8 or 9 dragon boats lining up at the start. There are tillers and callers on all the other boats, and they will be loud, and maybe wearing funny hats. There may be drunken morons nearby doing donuts in speed boats, and there will likely be race officials shouting nonsense at your tiller through a megaphone.

Whatever you do, don’t be distracted by the spectacle going on around you. You’re there to race. You don’t want to be like the dog in Up (Squirrel!). You want to be more like the seagulls in Finding Nemo, and the finish line is “Mine!”

Life Lesson: There are a billion idiots with megaphones out there. Stay focused on what matters.

Race Our Race

We say this a lot at races. There are likely a lot of boats that will be faster than us. But there’s no point in comparing ourselves to the other boats. If we’re looking up to see where the other boats are, we lose timing and cohesion on our boat. All that does is slow us down.

Off the water, I rarely compare myself to others. Sure, most people are faster, prettier, skinnier and smarter than me, but comparing myself to them certainly won’t make me any faster, prettier, skinnier or smarter…or happier.

Life Lesson: If you’re busy comparing yourself to others, you’re just slowing yourself down and missing out on your own potential.

Heavy Water

You can paddle at a thousand and crazy percent, but if you’re not pulling heavy water, you’re not contributing any power to the boat. The farther back you sit in the boat, the harder it is to pull heavy water. By bench 10, the water is literally rushing past you. It’s altogether too easy to just let inertia take over, and dip your paddle in at the same time as everyone else. But what are you contributing?

Braking power.

To pull heavy water on the dragon boat, you have to very mindfully flex your core and intentionally create resistance between your foot and the blade (there just happens to be a boat and some water in between your foot and the blade). Make every nano-movement count to maximize the amount of water on your blade. You have to get that blade fully buried in the water BEFORE you pull back, and you have to do it all very quickly, and in time with the rest of the boat. That’s very hard to do. But you have to try.

To pull heavy water in life, you have to find those places where you feel resistance, and make a decision to channel that resistance into something constructive. Also very hard to do. But, you have to try.

Life Lesson: Don’t sit on a doily and lily-dip through life. Contribute something worthwhile, even if it’s hard.

Leave it on the Water

This is what we say when we want to make sure no one is going to save any energy for later. Every drop of power should be used up in every stroke. You should feel like jelly, physically exhausted, when you get off the boat. This is especially important in practices. Unless you’re giving 100% at practices, how will you know what you’re truly capable of in a race?

Unless you continually challenge yourself, how will you know what you’re capable of in life?

Life Lesson: Being a bad ass takes practice. Don’t save up your best effort for later.

Watch Your Leads (or, Eyes Up for Timing)

Dragon Boat racing is a team sport. Timing is the most important factor in team performance. If everyone is entering the water at different times, we’re just slowing each other down. Want to go fast? Paddle in time! Want to paddle in time? Watch your leads!

The lead strokes sit in bench one, and they set the rate for the rest of the boat. But it’s not about the leads being large and in charge, and everyone meekly following along. The caller, bench one, and bench two are in constant communication. If the leads are out of sync, we call each other on it. If bench two is fast or slow, we let them know. The caller watches us, and we watch the caller. If things are getting out of hand, someone will yell “Watch the rate!” And we constantly ask for feedback from the entire team. Too fast? Too slow? We seem to have better results when we work together to figure out the optimal race rate for our whole boat.

You get better results when you collaborate with others. Pay attention. Listen to people. Put their needs ahead of your own, sometimes.

Life Lesson: Don’t be a self-absorbed asshole.

It’s a Water Sport

Inevitably, we get wet. Sometimes someone will launch a typhoon at the person in front of them, and flood their butt crack with cold lake water. There’s always laughter, and the one who splashed will say “Sorry!” The appropriate response here: “It’s a water sport.”

We knew we were signing up for a water sport when we got in the boat. You can’t set yourself up to get wet and then complain when you get wet. It’s a water sport. We get wet. Duh.

Life Lesson: Take responsibility for the consequences of your choices. Duh.

Normally, I poo-poo holidays named after saints. They’re not my holidays, after all. Was St. Patrick a Jew? I think not.

But this year, instead of closing the drapes, hiding in my living room, and watching the Science Channel all day, I signed up to do the St. Pat’s Dash. Not because I want to dress in sparkly green clothes or drink beer, but because my company is a sponsor and I wanted to show some support. Plus, I won a free registration.

I was not excited about the Dash when I woke up today. I paddled yesterday for the first time in weeks (I’m such a dope) and woke up with a very sore back. Also, it was cold, and when I looked up the weather it said it would be in the upper 30s and raining all morning. And I don’t like crowds. When they say 15,000 people sign up for this thing, they aren’t kidding. And anyway, it’s not even my holiday!

But I dragged my sore and scroogey ass over to Seattle Center anyway, and the universe rewarded me for the effort. The sun came out, and it turned out to be a pretty good run. I liked it better than the Magnuson series and the Seattle Marathon 5Ks. Oh, and people dress up in some wild costumes which is quite entertaining. I only saw one Pope,though. I suppose it would be pretty awkward to run in that hat, although the guys dressed as cans of Guinness didn’t seem to have a problem.

I finished ahead of the 6 pack of Guinness, by the way, so even though I wogged it, I’m feeling pretty good about myself.

Directions for a successful wog:

Load up your trusty Nano with your favorite running songs.

Run for a song.

Walk for a song.

Rinse and repeat for almost four miles.

Go home and ice your knees.

Meh. I guess I still poo-poo the saintydays, but I figure since I Dashed in the morning, I might as well dine appropriately in the evening, all in the spirit and whatnot. But I can’t do most of the traditional foods and beverages one would expect on this day. Guinness, whiskey, corned beef – all migraine triggers.

Never mind the corned beef. I’m taking it back. Yes, I’m taking back March 17 for the Jews (and migraine sufferers). I made green kugel.

Break dry spaghetti into thirds and cook pasta according to package directions. Add kale for last few minutes of cooking. Drain. Do not rinse, but allow to cool (I am impatient and spread the pasta/kale mixture on a cookie sheet and stuck it in the fridge for about 10 minutes).

Like this:

3/16 Update – This makes a huge amount of food and could easily feed 6. Also, my husband reported that it needed more curry (What? There’s 2.5 tbsp in there already!) and could use some lemon. The sauce was thicker than I anticipated. Next time I’m going to try leaving out or reducing the amount of potato, which was really intended to be a thickener, and give him a lemon wedge on the side that he can sprinkle over the top. StEx

Many years ago, my husband introduced me to his favorite (maybe only?) family recipe, Chicken Mustard. Family lore tells of a happy accident where his mother messed up a recipe for Chicken Divan, apparently by forgetting the cheese and adding a whole jar of curry powder. Oops, it slipped.

If you’re familiar at all with Chicken Divan (or my mother-in-law), then you can probably guess most of the ingredients in Chicken Mustard: chicken, broccoli, disgusting amounts of mayo, several cans of cream of mushroom soup, and a jar of curry powder, all baked up in a casserole and served over white minute rice.

It should be noted that unless there’s mustard powder in the curry, there’s no actual mustard in Chicken Mustard. It just looks like mustard. My husband comes from a very visual family.

It should also be noted that Chicken Mustard is DELICIOUS. It is sick and wrong and one of the tastiest meals on the planet. Unfortunately (or fortunately for our waistlines and general well-being), I discovered that mayo and cream of mushroom soup are both headache triggers, and so we haven’t had Chicken Mustard in years. (It’s probably just coincidence that I’ve lost 50 lbs since the last time I made Chicken Mustard. Really.)

Well, bitches, I’ve been pondering a way to make Chicken Mustard headache-safe. All the usual healthy substitutions for the mayo and creamy soup are still migraine triggers. Coconut milk? Can’t do it. Yogurt? Migraine city.

This will not come as a surprise to any of you, but once again I find myself reminded that I am in fact a genius. Yes, it’s true. I have figured out how to make a delicious, healthy, headache free Chicken Mustard. Below is my version of Chicken Mustard, which is really a version of Chicken Divan. Actually, the version of Chicken Divan my MIL was attempting was a quick version, utilizing canned soup and jarred mayo. So this is really a bastardization of a bastardization of a bastardization of Chicken Divan. Enjoy.