Saturday, September 5, 2009

Today was fun. A day of cooking, a day of eating and spending time with some family. My brother in law's birthday was a couple of days ago. We decided to invite everyone over for chicken and rice, good stuff. I knew that I couldn't stick to my prepared meals, well I could have, but I didn't want to. But I did purposefully make grilled and baked chicken. Super yummy. I maintained my portion control though. I also just ate the grilled chicken breast, and stayed away from the dark meats I had made.

I am getting the hang of this, and how it is going to apply to my life. I am not anyone but myself, and this is only going to work if I allow myself some freedoms (as long as I am not taking advantage of those freedoms). I walked about 30 minutes today, about a mile. I need to get some tennis shoes so I can start jogging.

Fun times, fun times. I just have memories of playing high school volleyball, running the track in my spandex shorts in front of the varsity football team. My 15 year old cellulite jiggling in the wind. I was so mortified. Ever since, I have a hard time doing any sort of physical activity in a setting where other people may potentially see me. I really feel like everyone will just see some fat chick trying aimlessly to lose weight. I know I need to get over it, and work past it. And I will, but it will take a couple of rounds before I just don't care anymore. I need to focus on myself, and not so much on what other people think about me.

Back to the positive. I didn't drink anything but water today! Woo hoo for that! I do like to squeeze a lemon wedge in there for some flavor. I really like it. I also read cucumber water is pretty good, so I might give it a shot. Love cucumbers! I am really proud of myself. I am doing what I need to be doing to get where I want to be. Tommorow, I want to get to the gym. I finally got a key to my apartments gym, I just need to use it! Say a prayer for me.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Today was overall good. A nice dose of reality, and a little pinch of motivation. It was rough. I realized that this isn't just about knowing the information, its about the discipline it takes to set it into motion and make things really happen. I know that I can do it, but I need time to get there. Slow and steady wins the race. And quite frankly, its alot easier on my brain when I think about losing 5 pounds, then about the 125 I need to lose. Thats alot of pounds, I know. But 5 pounds isnt much. So, I will remain persistent and hopeful. I will get where I am going, even if it is at 5 MPH across the distance of the U.S.

It has been done. If anyone can do it, I can. I have overcome much harder obstacles in my life, only to come out on top of the situation. This is no different (other than the fact that this is not something being forces on me, I am able to make decisions with this). Just say another prayer for me, and I will be fine. No more excuses, no more lies. I am doing this for real this time.

So, I decided that I would walk up to my mailbox (its about a quarter mile there and back) to burn some extra calories. I get up off my butt, get dressed, and ask Aleah if she wants to come with me. Ofcourse she does! Shes always up for some physical activity (I am blessed that way lol). So I get her dressed to come along. As were begining to walk out the door Aleah tells me that she wants to bring the umbrella. I told her no, it wasn't raining. There was no need for an umbrella...

Well, I was wrong. It WAS raining. At first, I caught myself getting upset, and not wanting to go anymore. I didn't want to get all wet and sticky, and heaven forbid I might get struck by lightening. Then I woke up, sucked it up, and I was determined to walk up and get my mail. I fed off of Aleah's excitement (I mean, this was the first time she ever got to use an umbrella, she was estatic!), and we went on our way.

It was fun! She was so cute walking with her umbrella. It consumed her and her little body. All I could see were her cute pink sandals and the bottom of her sundress. I asked her what color the rain was, and she said it was silver. I told her to hold her hand out, so she could catch some. She did, and she noticed that the rain was merely water. She just thought it was the coolest thing ever, and I thought she was the coolest thing ever lol. Here's a picture that I took on our way down there. It was so hard for her to hold the umbrella high enough so that I could see her face. You'll have to excuse the lousy quality, I just took a quick shot with my phone.

You can't go from 0-60 in 2 seconds. It takes time to get your engine going.

As I was sitting here, hungry, I realised that I am taking huge steps. I have completely overhauled my diet, and I can't expect myself to be perfect. I am doing so much more today, than I was yesterday! I am taking amazing strides to become the person I want to be, but I am going to trip and stumble along the way. I can't beat myself up. As long as I am not making anymore excuses, I am doing my best.

I am going to continue taking steps towards my goal, but, I can't expect myself to get there overnight (even if I did just make dinner for myself for a whole week lol). I will stop making excuses, but I will forgive myself if I stumble. I will get where I am going, at a stead and managable pace. I believe in myself, and I will continue to do so.

So its here. The difficult part. Its 11, and I am so hungry. Its an hour before I am due to eat one of my meals, and I will wait until then. But this is hard. Normally, I would just head to the kitchen, whip up a snack, and that was that. Now I am trying to find something else to occupy my mind until noon. And its easier said than done!

I do have to admit, I cheated and ate a protein bar. I feel horrible about it, but I cant beat myself up too bad. I did only eat half the amount of peanut butter with my rice cakes (which was so yummy!)., so although it isnt completely even, it could have been worse. Tomorrow, my goal will be to NOT cheat, and I am sure that I am capable of it. I just hit a weak spot today.

I officially got a key to my apartment complex's gym. Its really nice! I am going to head down tonight, and try out all the equipment. I wish I had a babysitter so my husband could come with me, but I dont. So I will likely be going down myself. I am super nervous. I have always felt like that fat person at the gym sorta gets scoffed at, and I don't know if I have the strength to deal with the looks. I am going to go, and try my best not to notice. I will update tonight after I get back!

After my breakfast this morning (which I ate well before my girls woke up), I had to feed my children. What were they having? Their favorite. Pancakes and waffles with syrup. Oh, how I wanted some. But, I had already eaten, therefore, I would just look at them with lust. Life would have been much easier if I could have thrown down some egg whites while they were eating their food.

So, eat with my family. I will be able to curve cravings for what they eat this way. I think that breakfast will be the hardest meal, hopefully its the hardest meal. Because boy was it hard not to munch on their leftovers after they were done.

1/2 a cup of egg whites, with a small handful of mushrooms1 packet of plain instant oatmeal, with 5 blackberries

I managed to eat it all. lol. The oatmeal left something to be desired. There has got to be a way to make that mush taste better. Don't get me wrong, I have loved oatmeal all of my live. My grandmother used to make it for me on a regular basis, and it was by far my favorite breakfast meal (she used to let me eat it out of the pot after it cooled. mmmm). But this is not what my grandmother used to make. Its minus the gallong of milk, and neverending sugar. Its just plain oatmeal. I have to figure out a way to make it palatable for myself. Maybe strawberries will do the trick?

The eggs were great though. I really liked them. The mushrooms give it a better consistency, and add a small punch of flavor that would otherwise be lacking due to the absence of yolks. I did good. No salt, no seasoning, and it was still edible. Tomorrow I may try some tomato and onion with a smidge of garlic (or maybe I'll just add some Pace, and then not eat it with my lunch, like I had originally planned.). Either way, the eggs are going to be a hit, I know it! lol

So, now that breakfast is out of the way, I can focus on the rest of my day. Organic peanut butter and a couple of rice cakes (and btw, I have always loved rice cakes, I cant mess those up) for my snack. One of my meals for lunch, a protein shake, and then a meal for dinner. The food portion of this challenge really can't get any easier. Now the physical exercise, well lets just say I am still searching for motivation. I am going to do what I have to, but, it doesn't mean I am happy about it just yet. I am hoping that the fufillment I feel after working out will be enough to motivate me and allow me to enjoy it. We will see!

I am awake, at my new time...7. I was doing this for about a week a few weeks ago, and I just feel like I can accomplish more in a day when I wake up earlier (preferably before my girls). So there ya go, I am up.

I have alot to do today. I am going to make my first breakfast, yummo! I have to weigh myself, and take some photos. Lots of cleaning to get done today. I want my house to be organized and clean before Ray goes back to work (which is hopefully Monday!). I also want to do something fun with my girls today, maybe painting? Not sure just yet. I am sure that Aleah will have something in mind, lol.

So, thats about it! I guess my day isn't THAT busy now that I have written it down. Plenty of time to do the things I need to get done. I'll check in later!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.”My take: I am learning to know myself. I am trying to control myself, and override my preprogrammed habits and reactions. When I can accomplish those things, I will know that I can accomplish anything.

SO, today was overall productive and enlightening. I have prepared all of my food for the week, made a meal plan, prepared mentally...and the list goes on. In conclusion, I feel hopeful. I am optimistic and positive that this will be it. I am going to do my first weigh in, and picture session tomorrow (with the help of my dear old husband Ray). Like I said earlier, I dont plan on sharing those photos, or my weight/measurements until I am comfortable and confident enought to do so.

I have received an overwhelming amount of support today from friends and family. Thanks for believing in me, it helps me believe in myself.

Woo! I am sitting, finally! lol. I just got done cooking all of my proteins for the week! And plus a little extra just in case. I am so excited that I have finally taken this huge step (well atleast I think its a huge step.) So this is what I made!

Its mostly chicken, but I also have some fish and ground turkey in there!

I made 4 oz chicken breasts in Lemon Pepper, Garlic Herb, and my own Italian Herb mix (basil, thyme, and rosemary with a pinch of garlic powder). I haven't tasted them yet, but I am sure they will be great!

I also grilled up 3 Tilapia fillets. I did take a pinch off one of these to taste (I seasoned them up with the Lemon Pepper seasoning), and I am not sure that I am a huge tilapia fan. But thats ok, I do like it. I think I'll grab some orange roughy next time, or maybe even a piece of salmon as a treat!

Next up was the ground turkey, which I also tasted. It was very yummy, seasoned with the Garlic Herb Mrs Dash season. I liked it alot actually. I threw in some diced up mushroom too. I really like it. One of my faves :)

As I move on, I really hope to find more flavors and recipes that will keep me interested. I am hoping it won't be a problem. We will see! Right now I am steaming my broccoli, and cooking the brown rice that I plan on eating with my meals.

LOL. I just called Deb and ran the numbers past her on my Clif bar, yea, thats a no go! Hehe. Oh well, the one I ate was awesome...I can only hope that the "real thing" is only half as good. Its ok though, Ray likes them. So he can tell me how good they are everyday when he eats them at work.

So I just got home from Walmart. Fun trip. I picked up lots of goodies. I am now completely prepared for my food adjustments. I am going to be cooking up a storm tonight, in order to get my meals ready for this coming week. How easy is that? Just make it, and nuke it when its time to eat. I picked up two full sets of glad ware containers, so that I can store everything and it can all be nice and organized! I am so excited.

i am going to take some before pictures today. I'm not going to share them just yet. Along with my weight. I just havent hit that comfort level yet. But I know that I will. I will, however, share pictures of my weekly meals! I am so excited to get this show on the road.

P.S...Does chasing my three year old, while carrying my 1 year old through Walmart, count for some cardio? ANYTHING?! Whew, I was definately working a sweat, thats for sure!

OK. So here it goes. I am making a blog. I am creating a public form of accountability for myself. I have plenty of time, and plenty of energy to take on this challenge, and I just need to take that first step. So here it is. My first step. I know that nobody is reading this at this point, and I know that this is not going to change me. I need to change me. I need to make a concerted and conscious decision to change myself, and my habits, for the better. I have decided that this is what I want, now I just need to do it. So where do I go from here?

First, I will jog for 30 minutes tonight. (Ok, OK. I am willing to bet it will be more of a brisk walk with spurts of jogging, lol.) But thats ok, I am going to do it for 30 minutes, regardless.

Tonight, I will write down my menu for the week.

Tomorrow, I will go buy my food. Then I will prepare my weeks worth of meals. Set out, measured out. The way that I need it to be, for me. I will not cheat. I will not give in, and I most certainly will NOT give up or lose hope in myself and what I am capable of.

Then, I will follow through with my promise to myself, by continuing to work out for 30 minutes everyday, except Sundays, to help me reach my goals. I will not "cheat" on my foods that I eat. I throughly enjoy the food that I have been told that I can eat, and so I will remind myself that they are a source of energy, not a means by which to become happy. They will aide me in my venture, and I will not allow food to hinder me from reaching my goals. Absolutely not.

Last, I will report here. I will do my absolute best to write my feelings down. The discipline that it will take to update this blog will help me gain the discipline I need to reach my goal. What is my ultimate goal exactly? Well, I can't say in detail what it is that I want, other than I need to be healthy. And I am going to do whatever it takes to get there.

So, there it is. My goal, my thoughts, my feelings right now. Will they change? I am sure. Will there be times that I fall? Well, I am quite certain of it. But, I will keep my faith in God and myself, and I know that no matter what, I am GOING to do this. I have reached the last straw. Say a prayer for me, because here i go...