A blog to share and educate through my experience as an orthodox, gay and (formerly) married Jewish man conflicted about finding a deeper understanding of God, religion and spirituality. At the same time I am looking to give and get support from others in a similar situation.
Please note that I have opened up the ability to comment once again. You can also feel free to email me at festerfest123@gmail.com.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

I have been asked numerous times over the last couple of months when I would be posting again. People tell me they check often to see if anything new is up. When I was asked most recently, I stopped and thought about it for a minute. I realized that my writing mostly has come from conflict and pain. When I am hurting, the words spill out and my fingers move faster than my brain thinks.

I'll never forget the time that my friend Chaim who writes a blog at http://gottagivemhope.blogspot.com/ asked me to guest post on his website. The link is Here. I wrote it in a half hour. I was in one of my worst, most deeply painful places when I wrote that. I feel like it is from my best writing though.

The great news is that outside of a few isolated incidents I am in a really good place right now. I have never been more proud, confident and honest in my entire life. I therefore haven't had the drive or motivation to write much.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I wanted to take a few moments to talk about the things I am most thankful for.

I am most thankful for the love and support of my ex-wife. While times haven't always been perfect, she has shown exceptional strength and courage through our challenges. As word was getting out about my being gay and negativity started rearing its ugly head, this is what my wife (at the time) posted to the public on Facebook;

My dearest *****,I want to start out by saying I love you. Before I go any further, if for some reason, u don't make it thru this letter, I wanna make sure u know I love u. I can't begin to understand what life is like for u. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be you right now. Especially after all you've done for so many people only to have many of them turn their backs on u. You know what they say, that usually that means they see a little of u in themselves. They can't deal. Because they know how amazing u are. They know that u have the biggest heart of any man alive. They know that it took more courage and strength for you to be you than they will ever have in their whole lives. They are jealous. "They" are insignificant. "They" didn't get to spend 18 years with u. "They" didn't get to have the most amazing kids on the planet with u. "They" didn't get to grow and learn with u and from u the way I have. "They" are "pots calling the kettle black". What happened to "love thy neighbor". What happened to not judging? Not casting stones? Not speaking Loshon Horah? Nothing. They are still there. In neon lights. Blazing overhead. And "they" are blind.Please don't use "them" as ur guide. "They" are insignificant.U are, BY FAR, the most amazing, wonderful, loving, warm, caring, smart, special, sensitive, amazing (it bears repeating) person I know.I am honored and privileged to call you my best friend for life.I love u more than pecan pie.Love always,*****
Nothing really needs to be added. This is the announcement she made when the world heard that her husband of 17+ years was homosexual. She is a hero in the truest sense of the word.

Second are my children. For their privacy I won't go into this too deeply, only to say that they are doing amazing. They stand by me. They protect me. They love me for who I am. They do not waiver on this. Many of their friends teenage friends know and respect me just the same. It is a different age. My son has voiced to me that his friends think its cool that he has a gay dad. Their haven't been incidents in which we have run up against true negativity in this regard. I love them tons and couldn't be more proud and/or ask for more.

My dad, siblings and most extended family have given me nothing but unwavering love. My ex-in laws have shown a remarkable amount of support.

I want to be thankful to the various individuals outside of my immediate circles who have taken the time to text, email, call or even say hello in person. Some people more than once. You don't realize how one kind word can affect someone. Just saying to someone 'I've been thinking about you' or 'I haven't seen you around and I miss you' is very powerful. It doesn't take alot of energy to say something, but revitalizes the one it's being said to.

I was at a funeral the other day. I felt very out of place. I knew most of the people there but it was the first time I saw most since having been outed. A select few came over and said hi but more than that didn't or couldn't make eye contact with me. Now granted it was at a funeral. It wasn't quite the social scene. A cousin of my ex though made it a point to walk behind me, take my elbow, caress it for a few seconds and make eye contact with me while doing it. It was a quiet message of him conveying to me 'someone is thinking about you'. To many people that might sound petty. To me it was a powerful moment. My eyes got moist as I thought about how simple it is to bring someone up.

Going back to family for a moment - At this funeral there was irony as I was watching people skirt away from me while my ex inlaws gave me huge hugs and kisses with gratitude that I came out to see them. That must have been confusing to many.

My friends have been amazing. New friends and old friends. They have been accessible to me 24/7 when I have needed to cry, to rant, a hug, a drink etc... You guys know who you are and you are my lifelines.