October 12, 2017 this sweet soul left this earth. I’m not sure how to put into words how I feel. Heart broken with a mix of relief is the best way. He’s no longing fighting. He doesn’t have anymore doctors appointments. No more surgery… He can finally just be.

Grandpa has lived with us (my mom, sister, and I) since I was about 5 years old. Since I was 18 he’s been fighting cancer. But he put up one hell of fight. My whole childhood he was there. Every Friday night he was at the football games “watching me cheer” but I know he was really watching the game.

My heart aches knowing my future child will never know the love this man had for his family. I’m hopeful I can share his life and stories with them so they know the man he was. How very much he would have loved them.

Where ever he is I hope he’s watching over us. I also hope he knows and still feels our love for him.

Grandpa, I know its only been two weeks but I miss you dearly. I know you are finally at peace and I hope you get to spend your days golfing. I will live everyday trying to be the best person I can be while also always being kind to everyone I meet.

So this winter has be hard. Our winter has been in rare form and we saw more snow than I’m comfortable with. You see snow in the mountains is great but snow where I live is not my thing.

Unlike a lot of the Portland metro area I still had to be at work on time. And FYI, that means 7am. Do you know what it’s like driving at 6:30am during the winter? It’s dark. Real dark since my entire commute is back rounds. Then winter laughed in my face and through a giant snow ball at me.

Needless to say I’ve never been more ready for spring and/or summer. I need to feel the heat of sunlight kissing my skin. Blue sky! My feet need air by way of sandals! But I have a feeling that will be awhile as it was snowing again this morning.

It is currently 2pm and I have this sudden huge to word vomit. The last month I had set some high goals and epically failed. I’ve let myself feel defeated over small things. And I am basically just disappointed in myself. On August 1st I wrote the post about my spending freeze. Well I’m here today to announce I failed. I actually failed the very day I started.

I initially went on knowing it was going to be hard and I would be testing my own limits. But wow! I’m embarrassed with my results. I openly admit at 29 I couldn’t go a month without buying something I 100% do not need. I also learned I am not strong enough for such a cold turkey approach.

I did learn a thing or two that is probably a better (slower) approach that I have already starting establishing. I’m not intentional with my purchases. I am completely mindless when I shop. Every time a new package arrived in the mail another sense of defeatedness would hit and I started really noticing the pattern. My original goal was to be more intentional when I shopped and only really shop for which I actually needed.

So this month things are off to a better start. So far in September I have purchased this bag and these crops to keep me motivated during my fitness journey.

The bag is going to be my daily handbag. I wanted something classic but stylish. Over the last few months I have been working on downsizing all my shit. With that all my handbags that have been under our bed in a storage bin are gone. Right now I only have a cognac tote, my LV speedy 30, and now this one.

The running crops were a SPLURGE! Actually today when L went by the post office to get our mail he came back with the package in hand. As he handed it to me he says “well here’s your $400 Lululemon purchase”. The last few years I’ve been trying to buy cheaper workout gear. Old Navy and Fabletics have great options but they do not last the test of time to a person who workouts 6 days a week. I have items from Lululemon from before I even met L and they’re still going strong. Going back to the tried and true.

The next step on this lovely journey is cleaning out my drawers. I have clothing taking up space that I do not wear and that doesn’t need replacing. I’m not 100% committed to the whole minimalism lifestyle but one thing has really struck a cord with me. If you need to buy more storage for your things, you need to get rid of some of your things.

We have two dressers in our room. A 6 drawer one and a 3 drawer one. Most of the drawers are full of my cloths PLUS tow rubber made drawer sets. Yea the little plastic ones… Just today while putting laundry away I say items in some of the drawers I forgot I even owned. Hello clothes hoarder! If I can focus on cleansing the shit over the rest of the year I feel like I’ll be one step closer to my goal of not shopping. I know the two don’t really go together.

My mom thinks the more I get of rid of stuff the more I’ll spend replacing it. That is not my goal and I’m using my August failure as motivation. I do not want to feel like that again and I don’t want to only be known for my shopping habit.

So wish a gal luck. This is going to be one tough journey especially since Nordstrom is having triple points from September 16-20… Fuck.

**I started this about a week ago. Since then I have calmed down and decided I cannot let myself continue to hold onto these feelings. The below is unfinished but a raw emotion at that moment last week.**

After last Thursday’s post I have decided to just be completely open with myself and my emotions. I’m generally a happy easy going gal but sometimes life gets you down….

First, in regards to last weeks post I’m pissed in all honesty. The negativity and mean place that one comment came from really hurt. We use to be so incredibly close and now we’re not, at all. That simple. We have no idea what the others life is even like. So to take time to make such a passive aggressive move not even toward fixing things. I’m not even 100% sure why we’re even fighting anymore but this was the reminder as to why we’re not friends.

It all feels incredibly childish. Two twenty something gals acting this way. Are we both that pethitically stubborn or is this really the best outcome? Once so close we respect for eachother to no longer on speaking terms acting out with low blows? Yes, to answer your question, I do remember when we were best friends. I remember very well. As I’ve said before, it was the rarest friendship. The type you omhold onto a cherish forever.

I feel a bit silly even admitting this and for even putting it out there. I’m not a housewife. Or slightly domesticated. I literally have few responsibilities in our household. This isn’t meant to be a braggy post. It’s more of me word vomiting my realization of how little I actually contribute to our home.

Monday through Friday I go to my comfy desk from 9am to 5pm. I work in a relaxed office where I know exactly what is expected of me and what all my responsibilities are. When it comes to the home front it’s all L.

L feeds our dogs, cares for the chickens, makes dinner, usually stops by the grocery store for any last minute needs…. I could go on. The one main thing I make sure gets done every Sunday is changing the sheets on our bed. I do help out with laundry on the weekends but L typically takes care of it during the week.

I know we will continue to find our rhythm and a routine that works for us. This right now is just our reality and what works for us. I’m thankful to have someone as my life partner who doesn’t believe in gender roles.

Sunday 11/16/2014 around 6pm our sweet Sally girl passed peacefully at home. We miss her dearly and are still processing our emotions. We are completely devastated but yet at peace knowing she is no longer in pain.