To My Little Sister: I’m So Sorry

I found a photo of you when you were little. Your eyes are big and you have the most innocent look in the world. Your hair is short, your hands are tiny, and your smile is adorable. I realized I love you so, so much.

Then, I dug into my mind and remembered the last time I saw you. God, you’ve grown so much. You are my best reminder of how time flies. I couldn’t help but remember the time that has passed and the moments that I can’t bring back.

Emotions started running wild in me and then it hit me that I’ve missed so much and I wasn’t good to you. I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry for not being there for you.

When you needed me the most, I wasn’t there. The problem is, I can’t remember what I was doing and it means I wasn’t doing anything that important.

I could’ve been there and I should’ve been there. I should’ve been there when you were choosing your first mascara and when you were going through your first heartbreak. But I wasn’t.

I’m sorry for cutting you off.

Whenever you came knocking at my door, I had something better to do. I was always super busy and I never found the time to talk to you, to help you, or to answer a million questions you had.

I never had the time to watch a movie with you, never had the time to download you your favorite songs. You should’ve been my priority, but you fell into ‘Plan B’ somehow.

I’m sorry for slamming the door in your face.

I know you were only curious what my friends and I were doing and that you only peeked to see what it looks like to have friends, what it’s like when your friends come over and you ended up getting chased out of my room like an intruder. You were not, and I apologize for all those times when I made you feel unwanted.

I’m sorry for not giving you my time.

I’m sorry for prioritizing Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat and whatnot over you. I’m sorry that I made my online people more important than you who were there in person.

I’m sorry for not going for a walk with you., I’m sorry for not taking you to the park or to the zoo and most importantly, I’m sorry for leaving you alone.

I’m sorry for not showing you how much I love you.

I really loved you to the moon and back and I still do. I was just an idiot for not showing it. I guess I wasn’t aware myself of how much a human being needs love and how much it means to a person.

I held that back from you and that’s something I regret the most. I regret not hugging you all the time, not kissing you, and not telling you how adorable and pretty you are.

I’m sorry for realizing only now how much my behavior was affecting you.

Everything I did was your guiding star. I was your role model and you looked up to me, didn’t you? Well, it sucks that I only get to know that now. I was just a child as well, but I am older and it is my responsibility to take care of you. I never wanted to make you feel unwanted or unworthy. ‘Cause you’re not.

I thought you were too much. I was wrong. You were not too much— you were just enough. You were and you are just perfect. It was never you—it was my fault for making you feel as if you are hard to love. You were a perfect creature—the most lovely little girl that was curious about even the smallest thing—and that’s the way you should’ve been.

You know I am a person that is always trying to think positively and I hope that you won’t remember me badly by this and that I still get to make it up to you. And I will make it up to you.

I promise I’ll be your shoulder to cry on.

No matter what bugs you, if you’re stressing over your cellulite, if you can’t match your shirt with your shoes, or if your favorite character just died, you can talk to me. We can talk about guys and music and movies and whatnot. If you just had the worst day and you don’t feel like talking, we can just cuddle. I’m there from now on.

We can talk about guys and music and movies and whatnot. If you just had the worst day and you don’t feel like talking, we can just cuddle. I’m there from now on.

I promise I’ll be your helping hand.

If you need help picking ‘the’ dress, if you need somebody to do something for you, if you need me to leave anything and run to you to save you, I’m dropping everything and coming to save you.

It’s something I should have been doing a long time ago. I’ll be so much around that I’ll bore you to death and you’ll forget each and every time when you needed me and I wasn’t there.

I’ll be your excuse.

I’m your big sister and I got your back. Wanna bail that party? It’s on. Are parents overwhelming with their demands? I’m there. Is our family asking stupid questions about boys? I’ll make them stop.

Whichever excuse you need, you name it. I know you’re a good girl and you won’t abuse it.

I’ll sing and dance with you.

Just like Elsa and Anna, remember? I won’t hide behind a closed door, but I’ll help you build that snowman. I’ll dance your favorite moves, we’ll sing and dance to that favorite song you had when you were little, we’ll discover new artists and new singers, we’ll keep listing our favorite songs and coming up with our new dance moves.

We’ll do it better than we did before—I give you my word.

I’ll be your biggest cheerleader from now on.

Parents aside, I have nothing to do with their love. I’m gonna give you my own. I’ll support you in your career choice. I’ll support you whenever you stand for something that’s important to you and I won’t ever allow you to fall down so hard that you can’t get up.

I’ll hold your hand on the path that we call life just like I did when you were learning to walk. Now you’ll show me how to walk as a pair. Because you’re the most valuable thing that I have in this world and I love you to the moon and back.

I’m so sorry for everything—for not loving you the way you deserve, for not treating you the way I should, for not telling you how smart and funny and beautiful and amazing you are. I’m sorry for doing it now when you have let go of your innocence and when you’ve almost grown up. But we still have all the time in this world. I promise you—we’ll make the most of it.