21 August 1779 (2)

Letter 26. John Eccles to Mary Hays, Saturday,
21 August 1779.1

[f.
105]

Oh! love, how
pleasing is thy bondage! – How enchanting the fetters that bind the union of
souls! – Though in minds softened by the delicate touch of sensibility, thou
art too often accompanied by wounds of keenest smart, yet do thy smiles
administer the balm of comfort, under every affliction; thy kindly officious
care, oft repels the bitter tear, e’er it arrives at the portals of light, and
alleviates those griefs which reason in vain attempts to over-come. – Without
thee what were life, but an insipid existence; a scene altogether unenviable;
incapable of exciting hope or fear; desire or disgust. – ’Tis thou that renders
life truly valuable; supported by thee, let the world frown on, and multiply
its insults; the soul rises superior to all its invidious attacks. –

How
engaging do you appear in your last letter; – how flattering are its
expressions, and how replete1 [sic] with consolation! – As the burning sands of
Lybia imbibe the reviving showers of rain, so did my heart expand to drink in
the enlivening draughts it conveyed. – One day after another, demonstrates to
me that I am bound to you, not only by the most sacred ties of love, but by the
ties of almost innumerable obligations. – Oh! for expressions [f. 106] equal to
the love, to the gratitude that lives within my breast; but it is
inexpressible, and words are nothing – You feel for the mortifications, which I
can now pass over without the least disagreeable sensation; the mind knows not
its powers till they be tried; I am not mortified at all – It is true Mrs L-----’s2 busy talk was rather unexpected, and amazed me at first, but on maturer
reflection I saw how fruitless it would be either to be grieved or offended at
it; wherever she procured her information, she discovers a great weakness in
publishing it; and if it gave me any painful considerations on my own account,
I should discover a mind equally depraved. – But will not these tales affect
you most; will not the reflections of the world be severer against you than me?
– What can I think of it? – The generality of people are more bitter in their
censures on the conduct of your sex than ours; perhaps ’tis because they think
you unable to take any revenge on them; they are cowards, and fearful to attack
us: and this is an age by no means remarkable for knight-errantry; gentlemen
can hear their Mistresses abused, and treated contemptuously, without being
fired at the insult; however I am not of that tame order; no one, except the
gossips, of your own sex, shall endeavor to
cast a blot on your character without being accountable for it – As for myself,
so far from being mortified as I thought, at any little disagreeable incidents
which I might experience, I rather enjoy them; I consider them as small debts I
owe you, and which [f. 107] I ought to take a real pleasure in discharging. –
Besides, the few years I have lived in the world, have taught me to expect, and
always be prepared to meet disappointment – and young as I am too, I have
learnt to brave the malice and envy of little minds, and to regard the
meannesses of their tongues and actions, with a conscious superiority, and the
dignity of decent pride. – Sensible I am to your repeated acts of indulgence,
and to the partiality of the opinion you entertain of me; and certain I am,
that you must feel some real mortifications
on my account – shall I then repine at the trivial hints and insinuations of
the vulgar? – Shall I murmur that they will be inquisitive, and anxious to
repeat all the ill-natured things they hear? – Oh, no, let them talk till the
theme tire them.

I
expect to see you this evening; how I look forward and count the time, and how
tedious the minutes pass – ’tis now five o’clock; I have four hours longer to
wait; I consider nine o’clock as a point of time highly to be distinguished; it
stands as the bounds of this day’s hope; surely it is marked for enjoyment. –
Yet let me not be too certain; let me not be too sanguine; disappointment is
ever at hand – I am not a stranger to it – yet it is not necessary I should
anticipate it – Let me only be continually prepared to meet its shocks with
^the^ fortitude of a man. – However, whether prosperity or diversity attend me,
either state will find me ever devoted to you; whether elated or
depressed, my heart shall ever acknowledge itself yours – When it ceases to [f.
108] beat only for you, I forever disclaim it. – My dearest Maria good night. –
Believe I shall ever love you, as sincerely as whilst I now write