Sunday, December 18, 2016

Greetings, Oh Faithful Readers! From the most prolific joke writer on the planet...!

Henry Heimlich, the developer of the Heimlich anti-chocking
maneuver has died at age 96. Fortunately he was able to avoid ever needing the
procedure used on himself as for the last decade he has pretty much been on a
diet of strained peas.

Henry Heimlich, the developer of the Heimlich anti-chocking
maneuver has died at age 96. The procedure has reportedly saved 100,000 lives.
Which all could have been prevented with two words. “Chew longer.”

Hollywood icon Zsa Zsa Gabor has died at age 99. She acted in a few movies, didn't sing and was known more for her beauty, lifestyle and romances. In other words, she was in effect the first Kardashian sister.Hollywood icon Zsa Zsa Gabor has died at age 99. She will have a police escort at her funeral. Not for crowd control, but just because police know for the first time in 25 years they can get close to her without having to worry about getting slapped.

The federal government says it will disclose how many
Americans are under surveillance. Which will turn out to pretty much be the
total of people who are currently using Google, Facebook and Twitter.

The federal government says it will disclose how many
Americans are under surveillance. They say they total will be available just as
soon as they get the latest report on what the current exact number is of the
U.S. population.

Italians who get married may soon not have to promise to be
faithful as the legislature may vote to remove the word “fidelity” from
marriage contracts. Mostly because Italian men would rather be called a
“cheater” than a “liar” any day.

Italians who get married may soon not have to promise to be
faithful as the legislature may vote to remove the word “fidelity” from
marriage contracts. French women aren’t concerned about fidelity. They know
their husbands are having an affair when they actually make the effort to bathe
more than once a month.

Italians who get married may soon not have to promise to be
faithful as the legislature may vote to remove the word “fidelity” from
marriage contracts. If it works out, the Mafia may use the idea to try to
convince the Pope to remove that “Thou shalt not kill” part from the Ten
Commandments.

For the first time ever, a majority of law school students
in the U.S. is women. Which shows that women have proven they have reached
equality with men when it comes to greed, dishonesty and corruption.

For the first time ever, a majority of law school students
in the U.S. is women. Mostly because women by average live so much longer than
men, they figure they actually have a chance to be around long enough to pay
off their law school tuition loans.

A Florida tourism official has resigned after it was
revealed rapper Pitbull was paid $1 Million to market tourism in the state.
Which could have worked if it consisted of Pitbull promising the people of
Florida he would not perform in their state.

Venezuelans are protesting worthless cash, which has lost
more than half its value just last month. Inflation has gotten so bad there
that government officials are thinking of making their new economic minister
Tom Brady.

Donald Trump corrected his spelling in a tweet to China
where he used “unpresidented” instead of “unprecedented.” Apparently he
mistakenly used the word that means what Democrats are hoping to do to him in
the next four years.

Donald Trump corrected his spelling in a tweet to China
where he used “unpresidented” instead of “unprecedented. Hopefully he will
improve his spelling before sending a tweet to the Irish about sharing a common
love of the “potatoe.”

Protesters in Poland are calling for press freedom. Which in
the U.S. still exists, giving the media the right to print and broadcast as
many fake news reports as they want.

Donald Trump is accusing the Chinese of stealing a Navy
drone. The Chinese are denying the charges, saying they thought it was just
delivering a gift they ordered from Amazon.

A review panel has praised Dartmouth College for overhauling
a campus culture of excessive drinking, sexual assaults and a lack of
inclusion. The college says that kind of behavior should be confined to where
it belongs. Inside the walls of the fraternity houses.

Experts say a shrinking life expectancy in the U.S. is a
“real problem.” Mostly because at its current 78.8 years, that still means the
average American is still coming up six years short of where they can actually
start thinking of retirement.

Experts say a shrinking life expectancy in the U.S. is a
“real problem.” Except for Congress, which will only have to raise the minimum
age for Social Security and Medicare a little bit more to keep people from
living long enough to collect.

Uber is defying an order from the California DMV to stop
testing self-driving cars on public roads. The only problem is having to wait
three days in line at the DMV to actually be able to turn in their written
protest.

Uber is defying an order from the California DMV to stop
testing self-driving cars on public roads. Mostly because they know it is a lot
safer than subjecting California drivers to be on the same roads with cars that
have Uber drivers behind the wheel.

Proposed new rules could make it so young doctors out of
medical school can be given work shifts as long as 28 hours. Even the 6 year
old Nike factory workers in China are asking what those people are thinking.

Proposed new rules could make it so young doctors out of
medical school can be given work shifts as long as 28 hours. The bad part is
getting one of those doctors at the end of their shift saying they will prescribe
something to make the patient less purple while scheduling surgery to remove
four of their six arms.

A report says a shortage of whipped cream may be looming.
Which is bad news for pie shops, coffee houses and the adult film industry.

The men’s swim team at Princeton has been suspended for
making vulgar and misogynistic comments which a psychologist says is an attempt
by the athletes to prove they are “real men.” If they want to be seen as real
men, the first thing they should do is not tell anyone they are on the men’s
swim team at Princeton.

A poll says 27% of Americans are satisfied with the
direction of the U.S. The other 73% say they preferred the days when that
direction was still “up.”

The CDC says drug overdose deaths in the U.S. are up 33% in
the past five years. Although the good news is that pharmaceutical companies
have seen their profits also go up 33% over the same five years.

Mylan has introduced a $300 generic version of their EpiPen
emergency allergy treatment. Apparently they are dealing with the outrage of
raising the price of the EpiPen by 400% with an alternative that raises the
price only 200%.

A study says parents don’t get how negative they seem to
their teenagers. Which would be a bit more earth shattering if the study wasn’t
done by a group of high school students completing their senior project.

A study says teenagers may not heed the health warnings
about cigars. Which is no surprise as they are teenagers and also don’t also
heed any warnings about unsafe sex, drinking and texting while driving.

45 cats were reportedly infected with the bird flu at a
shelter in New York. Or as the birds are calling that, “Revenge!”

A study says optimistic people may live longer after having
a heart attack. Mostly because they are the ones who don’t stress out while
still thinking that their insurance company will actually pay part of their
medical bills.

The FDA has dropped warnings over an anti-smoking drug by
Pfizer for suicidal thoughts, hostility and agitation. Mostly because researchers
found those weren’t as much the result of people taking the drug as they were
of them giving up smoking.

Researchers say real time video surveillance can identify
people at risk of suicide attempts in subway stations. Although anyone who
really wants to do themselves in using a train will usually just buy a ticket
for a trip with Amtrak.

A report says hearing loss decline in the U.S. is due in
part to fewer people having industrial jobs with constant noise. Which shows we
finally get the last laugh over sending all of our factory jobs over to China
and India.

FIFA says a video replay trial brought “extremely positive”
results. Especially when people trying to watch a soccer match for three hours
happen to fall asleep from boredom right at the moment when one of the teams
actually scores a goal.

A report says Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria would
consider selling the team for $1.7 Billion. Even Donald Sterling is saying
“What is that guy smoking?”

A report says Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria would
consider selling the team for $1.7 Billion. To which even the owners of
RadioShack are saying “Good luck with that!”

A Facebook drone with a wingspan as wide as a 747 crashed in
the Arizona desert in June because of wind turbulence. Apparently the 29 year
old remote control pilot took a chance on the landing thinking if he missed he
still got two more tries.

A Facebook drone with a wingspan as wide as a 747 crashed in
the Arizona desert in June because of wind turbulence. The word would have been
out sooner but even Facebook didn’t know if it was a real or fake news report.

President Obama has vowed to punish Russia over
election-related hacks. To which Russia says no matter what the U.S. does to
them, they will still win because they stuck us with four years of President
Donald Trump.

Sir Isaac Newton’s book of mathematics and science has sold
for $3.7 Million at an auction. It was the most money paid for anything
inspired by an apple other than everything sold by Apple.

1,300 tech workers have pledged to not take part in building
a Muslim data base. Not because of any political beliefs, but because they are
spending all their spare time on a data base of all the people interested in
weekend games of Quidditch.

Apple has removed its “time remaining” battery power
estimate feature on their laptops. They are instead replacing it with a device
for their iPhones to tell how long before that particular model becomes
obsolete because of the latest upgrade.

Donald Trump’s personal 757 has been given the new call sign
of “Tyson 1.” The reasons are for ease of identification, faster responses from
air traffic controllers and mostly because of the Maori tribal tattoo painted
on the nose section.

Donald Trump praised supporters for being “nasty, mean and
vicious” during the campaign, but “laid back, cool and mellow” after winning
the election. In other words, his base reacts the same way as a six year old
who finally gets their way after throwing a temper tantrum.

A report says Donald Trump spent $66.1 Million of his own
money on the election out of the $616.5 total spent by his campaign. Which
turned out to be pocket change compared to $3 Billion in free airtime from the
networks and cable news stations.

A poll says 40% of Americans approve of the Trump transition.
Which is bad news in the fact that he has already lost 10% of his support even
before move-in day.

An Oklahoma lawmaker has abandoned plans to require
anti-abortion signs to be posted on public restroom doors. Apparently no one
has ever explained to her there are other places people can get pregnant
besides inside public toilets.

Donald Trump continues on his victory tour, but reports say
he is giving few details of how he will govern as President. Apparently his
feeling about that is why start now?

That’s it for now, Oh Faithful Readers! Just a week to go
until Christmas. And then it will be just another week after that when we will
see the first displays for sale items to buy now for Christmas 2017. I can
hardly wait! One thing you can do right now to get me in the holiday spirit
(finally) is to remember to always keep on sending the love!