Does She Like You?

Unfortunately, one of them is the eternal question of “How to do I know if she likes me?”

The same question that has plagued geeky boys since junior high has an annoying tendency to follow us all the way through to adulthood, leading to grown-ass men plaguing their friends with an endless repetition of “Do you think she likes me, likes me? Or just likes me?”.

It NEVER ENDS!

Once again, it’s a classic difference between how men and women are socialized. Men are taught to be straightforward, even blunt, in their dealings with others. Women, on the other hand, are taught to be indirect and non-confrontational, especially when dealing with men. Women will indicate their interest through subtle signs and body language while men look for overt signs that a woman might find them attractive.

Like this.

Meanwhile women fume that men don’t seem to pick up their signals and the men read the wrong messages into her behavior or, worse, confuse niceness or professional flirtation for actual interest. As a result, everybody is left confused and frustrated with the whole exercise.

If you want to know whether she actually is attracted to you or she just thinks you’re a nice guy who gets a double espresso every morning, you need to learn how to read the signs that she’s interested in you.

1) The Eye Contact Game

Eyes are the window to the soul and they remain one of the most important ways that people communicate with one another. Eye contact is amazingly powerful in it’s potential. It’s staggering just how many messages are conveyed by simple eye contact. Eye contact can signal a threat, force a battle of wills, indicate one’s social superior or social inferior, convey boredom and frustration and, critically, romantic and sexual interest.

Wait, what?

The act of locking eyes with someone is an incredibly intimate act, which is why we avoid prolonged eye contact with people we aren’t close with. However, we instinctively recognize the power of eye contact, which is why it is a strong indicator of interest from a woman. A woman who’s interested in a man will often initiate eye contact, deliberately break contact – often by looking down, a submissive gesture – then looking back. The act of breaking contact and looking away is a way of catching his attention; looking back is to check to see whether he’s taken the bait, as it were. When she re-initiates eye contact, it is frequently followed by a slow smile; a subtle way of saying “yes, that was a message for you.”

It’s a simple and non-verbal way for women to indicate that she would be interested in you coming over and introducing yourself.

A woman who’s interested in you may also have a slightly unfocused gaze; the muscles around her eyes will relax and her pupils will be slightly dilated as she tries to take in as much of you as she can. The longer the gaze, the more interested she is. Sexual interest can also be indicated by the “triangle gaze”, where a woman will look from one eye to the other, then down to your lips and back. Some will forgo looking from eye to eye and look from eye to lip and back. This look is a strong indication that she’s interested in a kiss, so make your move, son.

Some women, especially more socially dominant ones, will give what is known as the “elevator gaze”, a brief look up and down another’s body. This is a sizing up gesture, gauging your potential as a threat… or a sex partner. Be aware: this can be both incredibly intimidating and rude if you’re caught giving one to her.

Eye contact is also a way of indicating disinterest as well. A woman who breaks eye contact by looking up and away is telling you that not only is she not interested in you, but she’s actually somewhat insulted by the suggestion in the first place. Looking up and away communicates that not only is she your social superior, but that she’s dismissing you as well. Trying to pursue a woman who’s given you this gesture is a mistake; the situation can be turned around, but you had better be a Jedi Master of flirting before you even attempt to try.

2) The Power of Touch

Touch is incredibly important to humanity as a method of communication and connecting. It is so important that babies can actually die from a lack of touching and physical contact. Like eye contact is a versatile and powerful method of non-verbal communication. Touch can be a method of comfort, a measure of one’s place in the social hierarchy or a threat. Or, like eye-contact, it can be a subtle indicator of interest from a woman.

Wait, What?

First of all, let’s dispense with all the jokes: yes yes, if a girl grabs your crotch and isn’t trying to tear your balls off, you can safely assume she’s interested in you.

But for those of us who don’tlive in a porno movie, touch can be an easily mistaken sign of a woman’s interest.

Women as a whole are socialized to be more touchy-feely than men are and tend to speak more with their hands. A woman will often emphasize a point with physical contact; touching someone on the shoulder during an emotional high-point when agreeing with what they say, for example. However, it’s the duration of that touch that conveys the message: a woman making a point will only touch someone for a second or two, while a woman sending a message will let her hand linger. Similarly, the location of the touch makes a difference; touching a hand or face is more intimate than touching an arm or shoulder, and is a stronger indicator.

Another strong indicator is what’s known as “reciprocal touching”. I’ve advised before that touch can be a powerful flirting technique, once properly calibrated, and it can be a way of measuring a woman’s level of interest. Reciprocal touching is, simply, the tendency of a woman to reinitiate contact after the man has broken it. A woman who is interested in a man may, for example, react to a side-hug by leaning back in against him, or putting her hand back on his arm. The message is simple: she is enjoying being touched by him and would prefer that it continues.

Finally, one of the simplest and easiest tests is the high-five. At an emotional high-point during a conversation, offer a high five; “Hah, that was hilarious! High-five!” or “OK, you’re awesome. You get a high-five,”. Offer your hand flat, with your fingers slightly spread. A woman who isn’t attracted to a man will respond to a high-five with the traditional flat palm and closed fingers. A woman who is attracted to him, however, will twine her fingers amongst his and grip his hand briefly

"Looks like someone's gettin' lucky tonight! Alright!"

This is a simple and subtle way of gauging a woman’s level of interest in you. Please note that you have to be at the energy level where giving spontaneous high-fives might be expected. Someone even-keeled and subdued suddenly offering a high-five will be seen as odd.

PRO TIP: To ensure not missing during a high-five, watch at the other person’s elbow, not their hand. Accidentally palming a woman’s face is a faux pas that’s hard to get past, no matter how interested she is in you.

Comments

On understanding the difference between niceness and flirting, guys have gotta learn to take common sense into consideration too. Don't hit on women who are working at a profession that can injure you if you're wrong. And for the love of god take that coffee outta that woman's hand before you go trying to be suave!

I like this list, but maybe also, "…And if you're not sure, you don't look stupid when you ask?" You don't, honest. It doesn't make you seem clueless or immature or whatever the opposite of smooth is. The ability to ask without sounding awkward or sweaty makes you sound like you know what you're doing. Cool, even. So you can also say, "Can I kiss you?" Then, worst-case scenario, your interlocutor can just be like, "No thanks!" instead of, "What the hell? Why did you just do that? Can't you see where my feet are pointing? Do these pupils look dilated? I JUST WANT TO DRINK BEER." Nothing feels more awkward than having to go, "Whoa, cowboy, back the fuck up offa my mouth, thank you." Especially if you're left wondering what you did to give the wrong impression.

Also, "Hey, do you want to sit down somewhere?" or even the I'm going to walk over here while maintaining eye contact and continuing our conversation; that way, you can follow me and we can hang out maneuver.

I am absolutely enthralled with this blog and your amazing articles. Though this one in particular was amusing, the high five thing was a little confusing. It could be a cultural thing, but I have never done the finger-twisting, nor have I seen it done by any other female friends, even among ones who were clearly into the guy they were high-fiving. I'm going to keep an eye out for it from now on, though.

I am glad you're writing all of these articles, though. A surprising amount of it can easily cross the gender gap and be used as advice for the nerdy females out there, I've found. So thank you!

May I add to the eye contact thing that a girl who is constantly sneaking glances is probably interested. That or you have something in your teeth… But all joking aside, most girls I know, if they think a guy is attractive, will get eye contact and then break it off, looking down, then back up, but they'll also continue sneaking glances for as long as they can without getting called out on it. So if you keep catching her looking at you, you aren't losing anything by going to say hi.

Also, it's really interesting to hear that little look-away then back described. I know I've done it before, but I never actually thought about it. It makes so much sense, though.

Dear Dr. Nerdlove,
Where were you back when I was on the dating scene? I have a 2-part question on a more advanced or intermediate level that always plagued me:

Let's say I've followed all of your brilliant advice to a capital T. Over the course of a few weeks the target of my affection and I have gone from stolen glances to banter to regular casual touching to blatant flirting. We have such chemistry that many people assume we are already a couple. Knowing how easy it is to misread signals I try to downplay it in my head (which is not easy when she frequently sits in my lap), yet I realize I could end up squarely in the friend zone if I ignore so many of them while waiting for the "perfect" moment.
So, the next time when we're alone and the "damn-near perfect" moment arrives I move in for the kiss…and she recoils.

Now my question is NOT "What went wrong?" – because there could be any number of reasons for that and it's not the most IMMEDIATE concern. The real question(s):

1) What is the most graceful way for me to exit from this awkward situation?

2) Is it better to cut bait right after that exchange so as to not waste each others time and invite further mixed signals/ false hope
OR am I obligated to continue the pretense of continuing a friendship until I can slowly phase it out?

You might check and see if she thinks of you as a friend. I have friends that I have deemed as safe to do stuff like sit in their laps without anything other than friendship intended. It would really depend on how long you and her have been around each other. If there is genuine chemistry between you and her, then that kiss will happen eventually. As far as getting out of that without too much awkwardness, I recommend that if she's in your lap just laugh it off or maybe just say something to the effect of I am sorry but I was reading things wrong. Make it clear that she can continue with the sitting in your lap and all forms of touching still…otherwise if she's not interested she will probably back off completely in the interest of not being misunderstood. It might just be that she wasn't quite ready to go to that point yet. Regarding your second question, are you saying that the only reason you are hanging out with her is to be in a g/f and b/f relationship? That type of attitude will show and she might feel pressured. In my experience, I throw guys I am extremetly interested into the friendzone if the friendship seems like it's going to be a good one. That doesn't mean I won't pick them out of there but I would rather build up a good friendship and then try out the chemistry thing than to find out the chemistry was the equivalent of flash magic and lose the friendship as well. You btw are under no obligation to continue the friendship under any pretense. In fact if you have the idea that it is a pretense in order to get close to the girl, then I recommend leaving now. The friendship should never be a pretense when you are trying to date someone.

I can think of two professions – maybe three – in which flirtation is "professional": prostitute, stripper, and maybe waiter/waitress. Just because it's (sometimes and randomly) acceptable doesn't make it even remotely professional.

Professional flirtation – or Flirting For Dollars, as I like to call it – takes place in careers where flirting with the male clientele is part of the job, either explicitly or implicitly. The ones I mention in the article are ones where flirting is part of the sales pitch or a bid for higher tips from men who think that throwing money around will get them laid.

Sales people of both sexes flirt all the time. I come from a long line of salesmen. Look at a companies sales force, it is usually made up of tall attractive people, or people with a powerful sense of humor and charm. There is a reason for this.

I am quite a bit concerned after reading this. You're throwing around terms like "indicator of interest" and "shit test", and the entire Power of Touch section reads as a go-to on kino; the high-five test is a PUA interest test I've heard of before. For anyone familiar with PUA tactics and PUA lingo, these things should be red flags. You mentioned "three second rule" in another post and that is another common PUA thing. If you don't think there is anything wrong with PUA tactics, look up the acronyms LMR, ASD, and SNL. I had high hopes for this site at first, but I find this extremely unsettling. I would encourage other women to research PUA lingo and techniques in order to better defend themselves from predatory men.

I am indeed familiar with the PUA scene and community. You may have noticed an article I wrote called "So You Want to Be A Pick-Up Artist" talking about the community for people who might be curious about it. I have done a fair amount of research into it and talking with some notable pick-up artists.

I'm a believer in something Bruce Lee once said: "Absorb what is useful, discard what is not and add what is uniquely yours." There is plenty that can be found in the pick-up community that is useful, even if people within it have a questionable attitude about women.

Agree with the doc on this one. Just because an idea is also held in the PUA community, that doesn't mean the idea itself is bad or wrong. There is nothing inherently bad with being attracted to the other sex and trying to figure out what works and what doesn't in the world of dating.

I get that you are trying to break things down for people and that can be good, but nothing beats developing a gut instinct on these matters by throwing yourself in the fire. Perhaps you have already written about this elsewhere (or maybe I just missed it in this article). Basically you need expose yourself to rejection and getting shot down do you can get better at talking to women and asking them out. It is all about losing the fear. Everyone is nervous the first few times they do something but if you make a point of approaching women who interest you regularly the fear will go away.

The biggest piece of advice nerds need is don't try to impress her with your "skill" or "expertise". I see this with nerds way too much. They either go on about the endless details of a subject they know well or they talk about their "black belt" (or other "manly"/"cool" accomplishment).

Dude, I make a point of using these cues whenever I want to signify interest in a guy. I'm the kind of person who never usually makes the first move because I'm so self-conscious: I always psych myself out ("Why would he be interested in me instead of that gorgeous girl over there?") and confidence is in my way. But I notice that the only people who ask me out are the sketchy creeper types, who think it's cool to approach me in the street, or on the train when I'm wearing my iPod and reading a book. (Seriously, BACK OFF! Having two external bits of media cutting me off from my surroundings does NOT mean I want some mouth breather asking me what my name is!)

So lately I've decided to make the effort to try to spark up conversation with the geeky guys I tend to be into, more often than not at one or the other of my two favorite comic shops. If we pick up the same book, I ask how long he's been reading it. Or if he picks up something I've heard of I ask if he likes it/if he likes the art, etc. If I overhear him mention something about one of my favorite titles, I let him know how much I just love that book. All of these things, to me, indicate that I'm interested in him, but they never take the bait.

At one comic shop a couple of weeks ago, I saw a guy pick up the first trade of a series I'm in love with, so I approached him and smiled, saying, "That series is amazing! I would definitely recommend it if you aren't reading it yet." He replied, "Yeah, I read [the novel tie-in] so I thought I'd pick it up." And he kind of awkwardly shuffled away.

And today (well, yesterday, I guess) as I was picking up a particularly large pull from the other comic shop, there were three totally adorable guys in the shop while I was there. I had some time, so I took my time looking for other books I might be interested in. I covertly checked the guys out, what they were reading, who they were with, what they were saying (if anything) and quietly decided who I might be interested in. When I picked him, I employed several of these cues: I made eye contact with him from across the shop (just long enough to not be weird) and smiled; when we found ourselves in the same aisle, our body language mirrored each other as we perused a comic; we found ourselves in the same aisle again (I purposefully moved to where he was browsing this time) and I did a bit of the "brush by" (touched his arm slightly when walking past him), and NOTHING!

The one person who did hit on me was (INEVITABLY) the scraggly sketchy dude coming in as I was leaving (who did it all wrong, by the way: he stood in my path blocking my exit, which was jarring in and of itself).

I mean, I don't think I'm the most beautiful girl to ever walk planet Earth; I've got no lofty ideas about myself. But it's safe to say I'm a pretty girl. I've dated guys, but (usually because I settle for dating the people who ask me instead of people I might actually like) things always turn sour and they turn into bad anecdotes. I won't even get into the story of the bad date I went on a couple of weeks ago (talk about your bad first date jokes).

But not only am I pretty, I think I'm pretty fucking awesome to boot! I understand some guys might be put off by girls approaching them, but then why not approach us?

I get that there could be any number of different scenarios that would prevent from engaging me (name having a girlfriend/significant other). But sometimes I think it's me; I guess I don't look like your typical comic nerd, or a geek about anything else, but I totally am! It's just so hard to meet anyone when 1) the people you give a chance end up being the worst kind, and 2) the people you're interested in aren't/don't seem interested in you. It's a bit defeating, really.

Problem with your shop scenario is (obviously my specific point of view) I would assume that, much like your ipod/book setting, you would not want to be bothered while your trying to go shopping, and that not realising your 'brush past' was engineered they would be horribly embarassed and not want to bother you further. 90% of the time is easier to assume that if a person is in a shop they are there to buy something rather than be hit on (a consideration that probably doesn't enter the minds of your "sketchy dudes"). I guess it could be a problem of rather not them not being interested in you, but them assuming there's no way you be making a move on them. That and your target demographic is typically introverted geeks =P

Good on you for being the one to be the 'approacher', however, good luck!

Lol…love this blog, but its really not that helpful to us girls trying to get a guy in the nerd/geek section. So in any nerd/geek habitat… ;)…use the idea that they are not familiar with the girls in the place for you. Granted, you might actually like comic books, manga, anime, video games and so on and so forth, however they are going to look at you like you don't know what you're looking for. So next time instead try this, hey I like that series and "genre with information on what you like," do you know of another series that might be something close? It gives them a way to show you what they are confident about and any time that you can get them talking about something that gives them confidence you have a better chance of getting them to open up. This also gives them a chance to teach you about something. I haven't really had any issues with this working ever.

A lot of guys are down right clueless and afraid of girls, hence the need for this site plus there is no guaranty that a hint will get thru our thick heads no matter how "clear" you think you. I know this personally from girls telling me months, years latter "you know if you would have ask I was totally hinting to you that I would date you" I had no Idea. And of course the answer to do they want to date now is no.

If you're looking to meet guys in a comic book store, the odds are that they were completely oblivious to your signals and they were too shy to make the first move. Remember, if a guy is can't read your signals (and most geeks are oblivious), then you can signal till your blue in the face and from his point of view approaching you would be no different than making a cold approach on some random woman. Don't get hung up on the idea that some guys are "put off by girls approaching them". They might exist, but they would probably be an Über-macho idiot who casually hits on women anyway. In a comic book store you're infinitely more likely to get a reaction of oh-my-god-a-cute-girl-is-talking-to-me panic attack He might even flee in terror, but if something like that happens it's because he *does* like you.

Most guys think it's awesome when a woman is the first to openly acknowledge interest. Signaling does NOT count as an open interest unless a guy is already extremely secure in reading it. If you can summon the courage, asking a guy to hang out is extremely acceptable. You could try "You're cute", but believe it or not many geek guys are so crazy shy that even that might not be enough for them to feel secure that the social "don't approach" wall is down. If speaking that openly is too scarey for you, you could try putting your name phone and "call me" on a folded piece of paper and safely scurrying out of there before he opens it and figures out what you've given him. That spares you the fear of making a face-to-face expression of interest, and it gives him time to calm down from any cute-girl panic he may experience. Another great tactic, one I have happily had happen to me, is to get yourself a wing-woman and have *her* go up to the guy and say something like "My friend thinks you're cute". I once used a similar-but-reversed tactic in a dance club – I was dancing near a girl for a while and eventually I worked up the courage to ask *her friend* "Is your friend not interested in me? Or is she just oblivious?". Chuckle. It worked great If you were trying to flirt you could phrase it as "Or is he oblivious to me signals" or "is he oblivious to my interest" or something. The "oblivious" part feels a little awkward in retrospect, but it did work like a charm.

One important tip, for both men and women, if you flirt with someone really shy then be careful not to engage in playfully teasing. Someone really shy is likely to interpret it as an attack, and they may interpret your further interest as some sort of trick. In high school there was a girl I liked… she flirt-teased me a bit and I defensively interpreted it as insults. She later outright asked me on a date, and I was so shy-paranoid that I thought it was some sort of trick. I cute-girl-panicked and hostilely snapped back on how she had been picking on me. Stupid stupid stupid. (I largely got over my shyness in college.) I also belatedly realized that the same thing happened with a shy girl I used to hang out with. I tease-flirted with her, she took it as an attack, and she became too defensive to ever again trust that my interest in her was sincere.

A note about the eye contact thing: there is a circumstance where a girl staring is not flirting. It's when she's caught you staring and she's pissed off about it.

If a guy stares at me too long in public, sometimes I'll lock eyes with him, not as a come-on but as a challenge. Women are taught from an early age to be polite, and predators take advantage of this by playing situations where good manners can be pressured into overriding a woman's fear instinct. That's how a lot of women end up assaulted: they had a bad feeling about the guy, but they were too polite to say so until it was too late.

The challenge stare is a way of saying, 'I'm not going to politely pretend you're not staring at me. If you put me in a situation where it's a choice between doing what you want and being rude, I'll take being rude … which means I'm not an easy target. If you bother me, I will defend myself.'

The challenge stare is different. Basic signs: she's not smiling, and she doesn't look away and look back. She's not gazing at you: you've creeped her out and she's trying to stare you down to make you go away.

It’s generally not about the money, actually. Granted, it’s not a negative to have a decent income, but given the choice between emotional stability and financial stability, I believe women go for emotional stability. Women who go after wealthy men tend to be settling for that financial provision as a substitute for emotional provision.

There is this girl i know at work, which makes it a little tricky I can´t come on so strong as I should do normally and also she is from an asian country, so I don´t know if they want to get to know their partners as friends first.

Anyway, she never initiates contact via chat or email, but whenever there is a reason for us to be together at work she is always very nice to me and some times acts flirty (in my opinion).

I have asked her to hangout after work maybe 3 times, but she has rejected me.

First she said she was tired after a cold and needed the rest in the weekend.

So I said maybe next weekend and she said "yeah hopefully we can do something then".

I waited and she never brought the subject up, then i text her on satyrday asking how her weekend was and she never replied to that, but after she sent me an email saying "im so sorry i didnt reply, i was having a cold". Then I invited her to meet me and two other co-workers after work and she accepted. The other guy asked me if she would bring her bf, so i took the opportunity to ask her via email, but she never replied, instead the day after she flaked out and said she had to do her laundry.

She grips my hand when i do high five, not only the flat hand, she touches my feet soem times when we sit together, she stands close to me touch me arms to arms and oen time when we were heading up from lunch together in the elevator i said i had a hair in my face bothering me and she picked it from my face for me surprisingly. Still she talks about thinkgs to do some times like playing badminton or do things with other co-workers or friends but i have lost interestin in asking her out cux she doesnt seem interested in it. So does she want to know mw more first perhaps before hanghing out or is it just friendly flirting without any intentions do you think?

The thing to understand about Asians is that they are generally extremely social. They want to have as many friends as they can. The differences in culture usually result in the Western guy thinking that there's a possible love interest, but to her, you're just another friend. I've had Asian girls sleep over on my couch, and they're big on physical touch, but they've got no interest in being romantic. Weird, but I've just gotten used to it living in Asia.

seriously? "the thing to understand about Asians" as if any group (including, but not limited to, sharing where the person or their family comes from) is homogenous in behavior. The thing to understand about people who spell out letters is that they love painting large groups with an even larger brush… except not really, that's just you.
sorry, just annoyed.

As a woman, I'd have to go with that she is not interested. You've asked her to hang out three times and she's said no. The excuses she's made are a polite way of saying "so totally not interested." Laundry and stuff like that are ways of saving (your) face and making the rejection less awkward. She knows exactly what you were asking and she said no, so I'd say it's time to move on! She's just being nice to you like she would with anybody else.

"Sometimes guys, especially under-socialized guys, will mistake niceness for flirting. Women are taught to be polite and to show some polite interest in what others have to say; some guys will misread this as genuine interest."

Although this is undeniably true, there is a little more depth to it. It's sad, but under-socialized or emotionally-hurt guys will often be *moved* by her niceness. And that will immediately trigger a romantic response from him. It's unavoidable. Even being fully aware of the fact that she most probably doesn't like you, it's very difficult to ignore that small caress and hope there's much more of that where it came from.

I just wanted to point this out; perhaps some women could be a little more understanding of the man's reaction if they know this (I mean understanding, not receptive!).

I'm a classic example of this, unfortunately! Through high school I was used to regular niceness from girls in school but it always seemed like I was more of a little brother to them than a potential date, at least in my own mind. By the time senior year was halfway over I was so jaded I accidentally Nice Guy'd my way into getting my closest female friend to ask me out. Looking back I feel like a tool for the pressure I must have put on her because I sort of put her on a pedestal for being the one to make the first move.

The truth is…there is no universally correct answer to know whether a woman is interested in you or not. Reading all the general signs of interest such as playing with the hair, smiling, eye contact etc etc…will not always determine a woman's true feeling. Infact its articles like this that confuse men even more, making you believe a woman must display certain behavioural patterns to determin her level of interest. Each woman is different and will display signs of interest according toher personality and mood.(and how much she really likes you) Woman are very complex creatures to understand, their emotions are constantly changing due to their hormonal fluctuations making them a nightmare to read. A woman needs to know if a guy likes her before she will make any REAL obvious signs, she needs to be reassured that she will not be rejected when making a flirtatious gesture. The best way to tell if a woman likes you, is to let her know you like her (non verbally of course) and if she likes you back, believe me you will know. Let her catch you looking at her, then look away, then repeat this two more times, ending the third look with a grin. Then give her nothing more. Let her play with those thoughts for a while, she will become curious and if she likes you, she will want to play the 'eye' game again, this time letting you know how she really feels.

You see, this post is extremely interesting because I feel it should go into more detail of if a girl is only beginning to like you. On some sections it feels like a woman is almost always trying to portray a sexual attraction and attention build in order to grab your focus. I don't always feel this is the case, after a long time reading through it all… I found some cases were likely that she may like me back, However some cases imply that she may just be polite, I am aware it's hard to specify attraction behaviors depending on a person or their background. But I do feel that this is a little direct.

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