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Saturday, December 12, 2009

Not literally but, of course in times like this, I am struck by so many things. I mean, why do we bother with Christmas, it just doesn't matter. I could, honestly not care one whit less. We should be so lucky this year to be able to get through normal everyday things with some measure of grace, why do we need to do anything else?

I'm struck by the dichotomies. Tomorrow we see Santa and then there's brunch and then very soon after that is Alita's end of semester theatre class performance. My first instinct is that I've got to drive 10 hours and go to a memorial on Tuesday (turns out the most efficient and cheapest way to attend is to rent a car and drive up and back, anyone want to keep me company on a road trip?) and I need to get my ducks in a row for that so I'll skip this performance. On the other hand my cousin was sitting at a regular Tuesday night dinner, fell over and died (what were they having for dinner? did she like it? did she miss dessert? I'm having dessert first from now on!) so I'd better get my ass to the performance because I might not get another chance, you know?

The relentlessness of it is becoming pretty obvious. I set my things down in the grocery store yesterday, looked up and there was a poster of a the nephew of an employee all kitted out in his dress blues. Right below that, his dates of birth and death (whooo, 30,000 more troops into Afghanistan). Teddy's having a tough day today. I've been reading about Anissa Mayhew's recovery from her strokes. Nanny's kidneys are failing. One more thing and one more thing and one more thing as we go.

This last one you probably won't have guessed, though. The genius of Joss Whedon has become a little more clear. He wrote and directed The Body based on the death of his own mother. Buffy's mother, recovering from a possibly terminal illness, has an aneurysm and dies on the sofa. My favorite quote from that episode seemed like genius the moment I first heard it but at that point I'd not know anyone who'd died in such unpredictable and unpreventable circumstances. The quote seems even more pointedly brilliant now. So, I'll leave you with that:

Anya: But I don't understand.
[begins to cry]
I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's- There's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore. It's stupid. It's mortal and stupid. And-and Xander's crying and not talking, and-and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why.

Oh Kizz, I'm so, so sorry. It is incredibly difficult, especially with someone so very young & who there was every reason to believe had so much of life ahead of her.

I understand about the holidays. My father has passed away as well, on Thursday. The funeral is on Tuesday. I am sitting with grief, this is very hard. So please know my thoughts are with you and your family as you move through this very difficult time.

Aw Wish, your dad. So sorry. I guess we will be virtually doing the road trip together since Jen's memorial is that day as well. Oddly they died on the same day as well.

As bad as it is that she was young and it was unexpected it's always bad, whenever someone goes. I'm so sorry this is how you're spending your holiday season. Best wishes to you and yours while you navigate this week. I'll be thinking of you.

Look, I understand the feeling of pointlessness to the traditions and habits we have, but then again, i think that they're even MORE important after a loss (any loss, really, but especially a sudden and unexpected one). Life CANNOT be just waiting around to die. Really, what's the point in that? Why bother to get an education or start a new book or get your hair cut?

Live, and don't feel guilty about it because someone else has ceased to. Just remember that even though they're not IN that body anymore, that doesn't mean they've ceased to EXIST. I think that I honor my departed more by enjoying my life than I would by sitting around mourning their death (and, honestly, I like to think that my departed are able to share a bit of my joy at times like that, too...).

Chili, not my point at all, absolutely not where I was going. When I said it was rough enough to get through the everyday things I meant that it's more important that we honor those. I don't want to fucking deal with presents and cooking and travel and whatever. I'd rather be honoring going to the kid's end of semester performance and hanging out in a bar with my friends and walking with them and writing and listening to music and seeing some shows and rehearsing and concentrating on class and whatever else. Being that it's the holidays I have to juggle all that with all the extra work of the season and I'm wildly resentful of the intrusion.

I would give my uterus if I could do that road trip with you. Instead...I will watch a shit ton of Buffy. Have some wine this weekend. Smile a little brighter at my Christmas party tomorrow night. Take a breath and feel blessed about all of it. Work a little harder to be present in each moment and feel grateful for having you in my life.