Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Dikipedia

I am astonished to find myself referenced in Wikipedia. The following text appears in a discussion about Adolf Hitler amid the reference-desk entries on Christmas Day:

“There are plenty of web pages that proposed that Hitler was the most evil human being that ever lived, e.g. [1]”

The footnote links directly to a post I wrote over two years’ ago, in which I did not argue that Hitler was the most evil human that ever lived. I merely short-listed him in the top three. The silly clots must have linked to my essay without reading beyond the first paragraph. Once again, the bogus scholarship and slipshod methods of this electronic encyclopeestain are exposed.

It’s a pity the dilettante who referenced my piece didn’t study it properly, for he would have found a profound meditation on the nature of evil, the flaws in consequentialist moral theories, and the unparalleled wickedness of Captain Black, Mysteron agent (pictured above).

It’s annoying to have one’s argument misrepresented, and I regret that this is typical of the way humans behave when tackling a controversial subject. They pretend to know more than they actually do; they cite sources which don’t say what they claim; they hiss and piss like snakes in a hissing-and-pissing content. That’s why I choose my words very carefully when commenting on topics that agitate my hairless cousins.

Here’s an example of what I mean. A retired British army major asked me a question about the European Union last year. He said that although he’d voted to join Europe over 30 years’ ago, he was now having second thoughts. Apparently, a Bulgarian man had stared at his wife while massaging his groin in Weston-super-Mare. (I assumed the Major wasn’t referring to his own groin, as he would have surely whacked the man with his cane.)

“You seem like a wise ape, Bananas,” he said. “Do you think we British should leave the EU and banish the Bulgarians from our shore?”

It would have been all too easy to answer him off the top of my head, clouding the issue with spurious waffle about the Mousetrick Treaty, Mandy Peterson and the integrity of the British sausage. But I refused to countenance such a masquerade and replied as follows:

“Frankly, Major, I don’t know. This is not a question that can be settled by wisdom alone. One must first assemble the facts and then weigh the pros and cons. How many groin-rubbing Bulgarians are counterbalanced by one Polish builder? How does the meat content of the British sausage compare with its German counterpart? Which course of action would most annoy the French? I’m afraid you will have to sort this one out for yourself.”

The Major nodded gravely in appreciation of my honest circumspection. “There is much in what you say, Bananas,” he replied, “but who can be trusted to give us the unvarnished facts?”

I stroked my chin and answered as follows: “As I see it, Major, no one with a strong opinion can be trusted, even if that opinion happens to be correct, for strong opinions originate in gall bladder. Seek out the diffident scholar, pottering about in the college library, who studies the current squabbles of humanity as if they were battles between Romans and Carthaginians.”

The military man thanked me for my advice and drew up a target list of universities. For my own part, I hope that I am never asked to adjudicate a human dispute. It is forbidden for the gorilla to change the course of human history, and vexatious for him to check all the sources to determine who the bigger humbuggers are. If it ever came to pass, I would be forced to put on my black circus robe and hold court, picking apart the evidence submitted by both sides – but under no circumstances would I wear a wig.

I'd ask Mrs major what she thought about the young Bulgar. Perhaps she has Macedonian ancestry, and he was engaging in an ancient courtship ritual with her. That's what I'd tell the magistrate, anyway.

The only wholly reliable source of information and comment is the blogosphere. Newspapers are simply run by people who can't work the Inter Net. You might as well ask a monk what's going as that lot.

Many say the blogosphere is full of knaves, and they are right. But for every Neil Clark there is a Gorilla Bananas, and for every Tory Boy in his bedroom there is me. I mean that in the sense of counterbalance, not potential bedmates.

Goth: Hello Goth. I didn't realise your hair was woolly enough for a judge's wig. Totally changes the mental image I had of you.

Kara: You don't want to be messing with Captain Black, Missy. He's a Mysteron agent and they treat their ladies mean. Captain Scarlet is the man for you. He's indestructable, so if you have a fight you can bang him over the head with a frying pan and he'll be as good as new in the morning.

Liv: Thanks, Liv, I knew I could rely on your support!

Kitty: Did he have the Thunderbirds villain, Baldy Hood? That fellow was a mean dude. He could make his eyes turn yellow and hypnotise people.

Mr Boyo: You could be right about the Major's wife, but I doubt it would soften her husband's opposition to the EU. Political blogs are a terrible obsession, aren't they Mr Boyo? I just hope no one googles the name of Mr Clark and gets led down the path of inanity.

Nursemyra: You can't fool me with all that "you'll look fetching in a wig" talk, Nursie. I've heard it all before in the circus.

Personally, I'd not rate Hitler as "evil" as such. He was too fucked-up mentally to be evil. I mean, the guy was a short-arse, had one testicle, and was brought up in poverty while Jewish people around him did pretty well for himself (from what little I've read about him).

Early childhood influences etc. Sure, he was fucking mad, but not evil. It's like saying Caligula was evil when he was just a complete mental case who did some bonkers things.

I'd still have Hitler round for dinner. Just so I could wind him up about being such a short bastard. Then I'd beat him up and use him for medical experiments.

You know i was just thinking about this exact topic today...no not about groin-fondling Bulgarians...but the idiots who misinterpret the things you say

It has happened to me many many times where some ass wipe didn't understand a word of what i said but later 'manipulated' it to his advantage and spread it around. And of course poor me was at the receiving end of the backlash!

I think we should dive into the EU at the deep end instead of dipping our toes in the water half-heartedly, which just leaves us looking like the strange kid at school sports day who everyone avoids because he is overly proud and uncommunicative.

Lady Daphne: Surely one of the perks of being a woman is that no one minds you rubbing your groin?

Mosher: Evil or not, Hitler was a shit. He used the word 'ape' as a racial insult, calling other humans 'half-ape'. Yet when it suited him, he'd justify some barbarous action by saying it was a law of Nature which even the gorillas followed. He was talking balls, of course...or maybe just one ball.

Randall: If I ever thought what I wrote was changing human history I'd have to stop. Such is the injunction of Old Melonhead, the gorilla version of Aesop.

Sabrina: Kick all these manipulators out of your life, Sabrina. Hang out me and my band instead. You can speak freely with us, although we may have to pinch your cheeks now and again.

Approximately: Damn their eyes! I still can't work out how they got those eyes to move around whenever their were talking.

Mosha: It's no skin off my nose either way. If you want an argument about the EU, visit B P Perry, the blowhard blogger.

God I loved Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons. I wanted to be Destiny Angel when I grew up. At the beginning when those two circles move over everyone, I used to get quite scared.

PS Ive finally spotted that nose! Im not sure what suddenly made the difference. I scrolled down from Captain Black and there it was, the eye, the nostril, the nostril hair and the wart on the far extremity of the nose. Thank God!

Sidhu: But peace may not always be the right option (see Churchill v Hitler, 1940).

Emma: That's not a bad idea. But if they throw me out for being a gorilla a lot of work will go to waste.

Mrs Cake: Those circles were Mysteron EYES, Mrs Cake, moving over your quivering white body! Would you throw Captain Black out of bed?

Upset Waitress: There are also wiki-vandals who insert phrases like 'Foghorn Leghorn sucked his tail' into the text. I hope your son isn't one of them.

Mermaid: He also had a damned annoying voice, but his victims were the equally annoying Smurfs. What was the deal with Smurfette, the token blonde female?Did you identify with her? Was she a party girl?

> “Frankly, Major, I don’t know. This is not a question that can be settled by wisdom alone. One must first assemble the facts and then weigh the pros and cons. How many groin-rubbing Bulgarians are counterbalanced by one Polish builder? How does the meat content of the British sausage compare with its German counterpart? Which course of action would most annoy the French? I’m afraid you will have to sort this one out for yourself.”

How did I get this week wrong? I thought this was a Friday week, and here it's been a Wednesday post week since yesterday already. I never get my Japing Ape weeks wrong. I wonder if I need some sort of a brain scan.

I never trust anyone with a strong opinion OR someone wearing a syrup as it shows a blithe disregard for reality. History is littered with ridiculous ginger toupee wearers , who upon having it snatched off their head by some cavorting yobbo trying to impress and amuse his latest beau...are frankly 'gobsmacked' that anyone realised it wasn't real

I wasn't aware that the Great British sausage's integrity had been breached. I think it was me. In the kitchen. With the fork. Last time I was home. Look I didn't know what I was doing, OK? How could I have know the reverberations it would cause in Brussels? Stop judging me!

The French should always be annoyed, or teased at least. What's the point in even having them if we don't tease them?

Sam: Your loyalty touches me. The sausage question was raised by the bilious B P Perry a few months ago. Forking it is fine. Too much lean meat is what destroys its British character. I think the best way to annoy the French is to have more fun than them. Surely you don't prefer Blacky to Scarlet?

Beast: You are right. The bullet head will always beat the rug. Look at Captain Picard. Even the Klingon ladies tried to seduce him.

I am impressed with your Wikipedia entry but now wondering: Which reader has chosen to out you? And in so doing, will you be writing further articles protesting at your outing which seems to be the fashion I believe.

beast...my dad went bald on top when he was 20 years old...came home one day with a fancy, dancy toupee...every nicely made and you could tell he spent a lot of money on it...but well my sisters, brother and i laughed so hard when seeing we started rolling on the floor...he called us all son's of bitches and threw the toupee at us...that was the last we saw it till he died...he had it in this special wooden box like it was a prized thing...i shudder to think that he put it on in his house and looked in the mirror thinking it looked good...

Mr Bananas Captain Scarlet was far to much of a goody goody , whereas one can transpose whatever characteristics one likes on the taciturn Captain Black , which is the true secret of his success witness virtuos Sir Cliff versus a brooding Brando.....who would you rather have a drink with ???

It is not with an old monkey that one learns how to make the grimaces. !

A monkey to carry the wig like an English judge! why not the ridiculous one killed anybody forever the proof, on our premises they wears the dress and as the pigeons they pullulate to attract them it is enough to make, small! small! with a large cheque!

I heard of the Bulgarian umbrella, of Bulgarian yoghourts… I thought that “Bulgarian” was a registered trademark!

Until reading your blog, I had never even heard of Captain Black! Now I'll have to look him up. I like the idea of a cartoon Heathcliff. There's something about a brooding, taciturn fellow that piques my interest.