TERZI: If Obama Didn’t Wiretap Trump, Who Did? Here Are 10 People More Likely To Spy On The Donald

Who Would Want To Wiretap Donald Trump?

President Barack Obama absolutely did not wiretap Donald Trump. It never happened. Just because Trump tweets something ridiculous at four in the morning doesn’t make it true. Neither does all the wishful thinking in the world on behalf of his lunatic supporters, for whom this story would bolster their ridiculous concocted narrative that Obama is the Antichrist.

But that doesn’t mean someone else didn’t wiretap “The Donald,” does it? I mean, Obama definitely didn’t, but what if someone else was spying on him and recording his phone calls? You don’t need to be a secret government agent to pull off a makeshift wiretap. Recording phone calls is actually remarkably easy and could be pulled off with a quick visit to any RadioShack store (do those still exist?).

So if Obama didn’t do it, who did? Who would want to listen in on Donald Trump? Who would have the motivation to put in such an effort, and what could they possibly hope to glean from listening to his phone calls?

I have a few suspects in mind. I’m guessing you already knew that though, having read the headline and all. So let’s get this listicle started, shall we?

10 People Who’d Want To Wiretap Donald Trump

1. Vladimir Putin

It goes without saying that Vladimir Putin had a vested interest in Trump’s presidential race. It’s vital to the process of keeping your Manchurian Candidate properly programmed that you make sure you’re listening in for signs that the spell might be broken. I don’t know about you, but I’m hoping someone has the gusto to show up at a Trump rally with a queen of diamonds on their T-shirt, just to see what happens.

2. Ivanka Trump’s Husband

I’ve never met Jared Kushner. I have no idea if he’s the jealous type. What I do know is that deep down inside, Kushner is absolutely mortified every time Donald Trump mentions his daughter. There’s loving fatherly compliments, and then there’s whatever the fuck Trump does. Every time I see Ivanka on television, I find myself wondering if you can call child-protective services to help save a 35-year old married woman from her creepy-ass father.

3. Steve Bannon

I always imagined that the hardest part of working a marionette is making sure you don’t get the strings tangled. I’m willing to bet this is an analogy that has crossed the mind of Steve Bannon repeatedly as well. Keeping his puppet in good working order? This one would bring a whole new meaning to the phrase “wiretap.”

4. Scott Baio

Chachi did a solid for Trump when he spoke at the Republican National Convention last year, so when does the former “Charles In Charge” actor get to cash in those chips? I can see Scott Baio saving up for three months to buy the $20 in hardware necessary to wiretap someone, then rushing home after his shift as a dishwasher at Denny’s to listen in on Trump, waiting for his opportunity to get on television again for a few minutes. If he plays those cards right, he could be a star again… right?

5. Melania Trump

Planning a prison escape is a daunting task. You need to carefully monitor the guards’ movements, make sure your daily routine isn’t raising anyone’s suspicions, and land yourself in the good graces of the warden. I doubt Melania Trump is very crafty, so I can’t see her carving chess pieces by hand, but I’m pretty sure wiretapping Trump Plaza would fall into her plot somewhere. #FreeMelania

6. Alec Baldwin

Alec Baldwin’s impression of Donald Trump is one of the best in the show’s history, ranking alongside Tina Fey as Sarah Palin, Phil Hartman as Bill Clinton, Jay Pharaoh as Sleepy Dwarf Dr. Ben Carson, Dana Carvey as George H.W. Bush, and Will Farrell as George W. Bush. Getting his impression so flawless probably required a lot more than just watching TV excerpts and practicing in the mirror a whole bunch. Did that prep work also include wiretapping Trump Tower? No one knows for sure.

7. The GOP

If the Republican Party’s credibility was a town, Donald Trump’s candidacy set off a neutron bomb in the middle of it. It wouldn’t surprise me to learn that the GOP was spying on their own presidential nominee in the months leading up to the general election, listening for clues as to what story they’d need to try and get ahead of next.

8. The KKK/ White Nationalists

In one hand, spying on Trump during the election would help the KKK and other braindead white power shitheads guarantee that he was staying on message and that their numerous endorsements of him were still warranted. In the other hand, I imagine Trump saves all of his most racist comments for moments when he thinks nobody is listening in. What better sleep aid could their be for a white supremacist than the calming sounds of a future president ranting about brown people? Insert your own favorite joke about “white noise machines” here.

9. Jeb Bush

Unlike the other people mentioned in this list, Jeb Bush wouldn’t have anything to really gain from spying on Donald Trump. I just like to imagine him sitting in a van behind Trump Tower, his knees red and imprinted by his elbows, his hands pressing headphones firmly to his ears, as a single tear rolls down his cheek. This is the closest Jeb will ever get to winning. And as he sits there and listens to Trump talking to campaign advisors, he thinks to himself longingly “It should’ve been me… it should’ve been me… it should’ve been me…”

10. Trump’s Housekeepers

I imagine cleaning Trump Tower must be a daunting task. Not because of the size of the place, and not because of all the nooks and crannies in all the tacky gold furniture. I’d imagine they’re more concerned with the removal of bodily fluids that shouldn’t be in the places where said housekeepers continually find it. Spying on their boss with a good old-fashioned wiretap might help the housekeeping staff prepare for the coming gross yellow flood.

Yes, I just ended this article with a golden shower reference. Were you expecting something else? You must be new here.

Matt Terzi is a political satirist and essayist from Binghamton, New York, who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. He’s now moving into more “serious” subject matter, without losing touch with his comedic roots

Matt Terzi is a political satirist and essayist from Binghamton, New York, who has written for some of the most prominent satire publications in the country. He’s now moving into more “serious” subject matter, without losing touch with his comedic roots