Why do we exist? What purpose do we, tiny, insignificant humans serve in the grand scheme of things? Is it the fact that we had some unfinished business in our past lives that “fate” wants us to finish in this life? Or are we here to fulfill some prophecy made by someone ages ago?

C’mon, that’s just way too dramatic. I think the purpose of our existence is pretty simple. It’s the simplest, most natural, most spontaneous feeling ever. Love.

Okay, maybe not the most spontaneous. I think the most spontaneous feeling is the fear for our lives. But love is pretty close to being the most spontaneous feeling experienced by every human being that ever existed.

Love fills the heart with joy. Isn’t joy what we all constantly seek in life?

Love gives us a reason to feel great, and not just feel great about ourselves but just about everyone and everything. But on the other hand, the same love can send us mad with jealousy, envy and desire.

Love gives hope, of a better future, however bleak that future may be in truth. And I don’t need to tell you how hope keeps us going on, no matter what the future may hold for us.

Is love an illusion? At times, I feel it is. But anyday, I would rather have the illusion of love than the bitter truth about the future. Love is the preferable illusion, the desirable one. And it is why we exist. It keeps us hoping, dreaming, of a better tomorrow, of a happier life, of a cozier home, of a larger car, of a heftier pay package; of a kinder, warmer relationship – basically everything we desire and everything we work towards, we do so because we love. We love someone or something so much that we make every possible effort to attain it.

3 years. It’s been 3 years since you’ve left. I never went to say goodbye, because I never believed you were leaving. I knew the tremendous pain and suffering you were going through, yet somehow, I couldn’t convince myself that there will be no “you” anymore. And you know what? I still don’t. I still do not believe that you are gone forever. No. I don’t. I prefer to think that you’re somewhere out there. You are watching over me. You know my every worry, every struggle, every bit of joy in my life. You are witness to all of it. I don’t believe in afterlife. I never did. Never will. The idea of an afterlife is nothing but romanticism to me. But even then, I still haven’t been able to muster the courage to believe in the absolute absence of you.

I still see you in my dreams. In them, you always look sad, as if you’re suffering even now. And I so badly wish I could do something about that.

No amount of words will ever be enough to describe your sacrifices for your family, the things you’ve smilingly given up, just so that we could live a more comfortable life, just so that we could be a happy family. But that happy family never came to be, due to the string of unfortunate events that plagued your significant other’s mind and turned your own flesh and blood against you.

You didn’t deserve to be treated the way you were treated by your own kin. NO. You didn’t deserve the anger, the loathing, the disgust, the torment, the frustration and the complaints. But those things were always plentiful around us, weren’t they? Those things were always hovering over us. You deserved to be loved and cherished for your beautiful heart that always saw the best in people, even when they didn’t see it themselves.

For 26 years, the only bright spot in my life was you. The only speck of light, of hope, of positivity was you. No matter what happened, what I did, what they did to you, you always believed in me. You always told me to keep moving ahead. You never judged me. You kept an open mind and encouraged me to do the same. You instilled free thinking in me. You motivated me to be my own person and not subject myself to blind faith. I owe the very fabric of my being to you.

I’ve seen your struggle, I’ve seen the hardships you’ve been through. I’ve seen how everything you’ve ever held close to your heart was taken from you. I’ve been witness to the alienation you were subjected to by your own family. I’ve known it all. All too well.

And the more I saw, the less I believed in the word “family”. Families are supposed to be together, right? They are supposed be a unit, right? Well, my experience says something else entirely.

What I wouldn’t give to see you once again, in flesh, just once.

I miss you Baba. I miss you so much. I love you a lot. I’ll always love you a lot.

All my life, I’ve been pretty good at understanding other people’s perspectives. I had learnt to use my observation to connect people’s behaviours with their thought processes in my formative years (I had a lot of time, I wasn’t allowed to go outside and I was an observant child). Using this, I’ve predicted actions that have come true more than most of the time. Yes, I’ve observed that too. 🙂