Oh Ya, We All Know “That” Homeschool Family

Once upon a time, in a cluttered and crowded house, there lurked a family who seldom received haircuts. Legend has it that the 12 or some odd children, though illiterate and poorly spoken, were nonetheless able to quote the Bible by book, chapter and verse and without dropping the piece of straw they gritted between their maligned teeth. However, if you put a copy of Harry Potter before their eyes, they would shriek in horror and make the sign of the cross in Puritan defense. Most knowledgeable onlookers speculated it was to mask the fact that not a one of them could read a lick (including the 15-year-old tasked with keeping the second oldest infant quiet).

It was reported that the girls of the clan were always in homespun dresses made of the thinnest decades old curtain fabrics; the boys in pants that were anywhere from 4-6inches too short with patched knees. Their mother never left home without her flowing denim jumper, which doubled as a place for the kids to hide from strangers who might try and engage them. Socially.

One of the scariest things about this outlaw group was that none of the children were vaccinated against anything. They were rumored to have been the cause of the spread of Ebola across North Africa. When a virus would begin to spread amongst their own ranks they started oiling each other up and refusing all western medicines. They ate weird things like homemade kale chips and wheat germ imitation cheetos, and they milked their own goats to feed their youngest member who was allergic to everything but air.

This notoriously backward family probably didn’t own a T.V., but if they did, anything rated over G would have been forbidden. Disney is the devil. They didn’t visit science museums because evolution and the Big Bang Theory were created to lead the lost away from God. The earth is not round. Dinosaurs were invented by the toy makers with money from atheist organizations. Above all, their strongest offense to the outside world was that they homeschooled. Dun dun dunnnn!!!

So I know you have heard about this legendary group of weirdos. Their story has become infamous. Not to mention, an albatross around many of our necks when accosted by our not-so-well-meaning family and friends.

And they will forever be known as…

“That” Homeschool Family.

And I’m pretty sure they are a fantastical family made up of the best, worst, and most antiestablishment qualities of every homeschool family that ever intimidated a traditional school enthusiast. Perhaps one of the above rumors struck a nerve with you and your family. I think there is a little of “that” family in all of us. So I’ve compiled a list…

You might be “That” Homeschool Family if…

•You sometimes wait a few extra days or months for haircuts because hey, the Beatles looked awesome, and that money is more fun spent on souvenirs at next weeks’ field trip.

• Your kids don’t judge their reading success by AR points, but rather by the discussions on plot and theme that they can have with their peers and even adults.

•You’ve ever taught your daughter to sew using an old table cloth, and it turned out so lovely that she decided to wear it to the park to show it off.

•Your son would rather spend his money on computer coding books or musical instruments than on name brand jeans, and athletic shoes.

•You raise farm animals and utilize their bi-products to teach your kids that not everything must come from the grocery store.

•You haven’t subscribed whole-heartedly to Darwin’s Theory of evolution or the Big Bang Theory just yet. Not that you are definitely against it per se, but maybe you need more definitive evidence before discounting creationism completely. Because, h-e-l-l-o, GOD! Dare you mention that the two could possible coexist?!

•You know the definition of the word socialization and how to use it in a sentence.

•You know your kids are different. That was sort of the point of homeschooling in the first place!

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Hi! I’m Jennifer…

…writer, speaker and memeist of homeschool humor and inspiration. Laugh along as I keep things ‘real’ about life as a homeschooler. It wasn’t my first career choice. But homeschooling is everything I never knew I always wanted to do! Turns out…you don’t have to raise goats or wear denim jumpers after all!