self judgement

I recently started reading a book written about Jack Ma and the creation of Alibaba which is one of the worlds largest online marketplaces. In reading about Jack and his enterprise I came across a couple examples of Ma’s definition of Success that I found to be very grounded, practical, and livable by anyone where he really took that point of success and boiled it down into something tangible, and accessible to everyone.

What I find interesting is that I have been deliberately working with the process of Re-defining and Living Words, and here this man actually did exactly this by coming up with his personal definition of Success that he could live and apply in his world in a way that supported him.

In the book, Ma defined it as follows,

“Success lies not in how much you have accomplished, but in the fact that you have done something, experienced the process, and begun to learn something”

What I like about this definition is it emphasizes not an outcome of good or bad, success or failure, but of THE ACT, the point of taking action and actually doing something – That is the success, the fact that you got off your but and applied yourself.

For me, I have been slowly starting to develop a new body of artwork and so I really relate to this definition of success because for me the most difficult part often is just getting up and DOING SOMETHING, or motivating myself to sit down in front of my canvas and start painting. Where that very action IS the success, not the outcome, but the ACT.

So here I see for myself that to be more successful requires me to take more action. On paper it looks easy, though I do understand that applying and living this definition of success may bring up other dimensions for me to consider and work out.

Okay that’s the point I wanted to Share!

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Today I was looking at the word “Sedation” and how this word is currently existing within my own life in terms of how and when I see myself actually Living-out this word as going into, or participating with/within my reality in a way where I manifest this outcome of “Sedation”. Writing a blog, is Not an activity perpetuating this word “Sedation” within myself/my behavior/my life. Writing a blog is Self Directive and requires attention and self movement. In a way “Sedation” begins first as Distraction, and then you follow the distraction and become pre-occupied, and then snap yourself back to HERE, but then notice another distraction and then follow that, and I have noticed that if I do this enough times, I start to become comfortable in that distraction state, and then from there in going deeper into the distraction ends up as a kind of Sedation.

So Why does one have this tendency to not only want to distract oneself but actually move into this Deeper Sedation Experience.

Okay, now here I am noticing the MIND coming in.

The Judgements, the backchats in relation to how I have existed in this word Sedation in my own life.

One of the Judgements/Reactions is Fear. Fear that I will never get out. And that I will allow behaviors that are not bringing the best out of me and essentially Living a Fulfilling Life.

Because the ultimate question is simply – Am I Satisfied with myself?

And here I am not talking about where you are only satisfied with yourself if you are like the CEO of some multimillionaire company or president or like some super human achiever in this world. I am talking about a more Simple Satisfaction. Like Satisfied with your Day, that you worked on the things you wanted to, that you made your mistakes and forgave them…because I do see that “being satisfied” could still exist within a point of also having made mistakes, or making mistakes. Its a possibility.

So If I ask myself this question and the answer is No, I can look at my reality and look at the parts of my reality that contributed to this answer, because I do see here that this will encompass those parts of yourself that you are kind of on the fence about. Those parts of yourself that you Tell yourself you are okay with or that you can ‘manage’ but ultimately when you ask yourself “Am I Satisfied With Myself” those ‘on the fence’ parts of you or those parts of yourself that you have been tolerating and thinking “you can live with” will come up. At least that is something that I am noticing right now. So this can be a cool marker of what to cut out and what to keep.

So perhaps this would be a cool benchmark question to ask yourself a few times a day. Or once in the middle and then once in the evening to sort of give you some feedback within yourself of what of you really Do want to change about yourself and no more just want to continue tolerating and allowing and just not finding that deeper reason to see that change through. Because that is something I have struggled with definitely. I will decide to change something about myself, but then after a while I forget my reason of why I wanted to change that point and then I will stop the whole change process – Though I do see this point of Being Satisfied with Self as a Cool Marker for what to leave and what to change where this point of Being Satisfied With Self can be that Deeper Reason, because I do see this as something that would be cool. To be really Truly Deeply Satisfied with Yourself through and through.

Today as I was standing in line at the local coffee shop to get myself a cappuccino, I saw a friend of mine; a fellow artist sitting at a table working on his computer. He has had some success as an artist in his career so when ever I see him, I like to chat a bit and just share what’s going on with my own art and see whats up with him. As it turns out we both had actually been facing a similar point recently and also both came to a similar solution on what to do.

For me when I moved here where I live and started creating and selling sculptures at a local gallery, I had basically branched out into the ‘wildlife genre’ of art, something I had never really done before.

I had for the past couple years and considered taking this subject matter into my paintings as well but have held off thus far.

I live in a ‘Resort Town’ and so a lot of the town, including its art scene very much caters to that clientele, and as a result there is a tendency to have artwork that is very commercialized and focused on selling to tourists.

I noticed this right a way and noticed very specific themes and styles of art in the city that I saw as quite commercial and in fact I had all sorts of various judgements and opinions about it. Though I had never ventured to create any of my own variation on these themes which I was essentially using as a benchmark from which to form my own opinions around what they are doing.

So this is really the point I was referring to earlier in this blog about what my artist friend and I had realized about points we both were facing.

We were both looking at beginning a new series of work and there was a common realization that both him and myself shared about why were doing this.

That…

Its easy to judge something, especially if you have never done it yourself.

Yes we perhaps could see ways to improve on what we were seeing, but ultimately, we hadn’t actually physically moved to do it and explore for ourselves these improvements in real physical creations

For me I had so many opinions about what everyone else was doing and one reason I did is because I saw from my own vantage point how “you could do so much more” with it, yet, ‘the problem’ if you want to call it that, was that I was not directing or moving myself to LIVE BY EXAMPLE through by creating and expressing that example for myself as a self expression but had rather just remained more in judgement, and opinion to the point where it was really getting to me that I was spending so much time on these judgements and opinions every time I was seeing this art around me, and yet, had still not moved myself to create my own and to ultimately SHOW MYSELF first and foremost this “so much more” that I saw was possible when looking at these other examples of art I was seeing all around me.

I mean, I could even be deluding myself, and that I may find that once I begin this new series of work, that what I was seeing as different potentials is actually more difficult than I think. But I will never know for sure unless I try it out for myself.

Here in this blog, I am going to look at the point of ‘Living Words’ and explore and investigate what Words I am currently existing as right now as the totality of myself and within this look at how I am able to re-align myself as Living Words so that I can be and become my utmost potential.

One word that comes up when looking here is the word ‘Acceptance’.

How I have been living this word is where I will accept who I am and how things are without daring to actually change, so once I have a pattern or routine that I am living out, I will just accept that pattern as how it is, and within this ‘just go with it’, even when the pattern is abusive, detrimental, and limiting.

I can see that I have done this with in particular the more deeply engrained or long standing patterns, and habits that I have existed within and lived where now in my life I live the word ‘Acceptance’ through and within the statement that “whats the point of trying to change, I have already proven to myself that I won’t”

I have noticed this tendency within me to not even try and change the more heavily embedded patterns where instead I just accept them as part of me. A necessary evil as such for the moment, even when that moment is extended into weeks, months, even years of never daring to change.

I don’t dare to take on my pre-programmed patterning when it comes to some habits, patterns, personalities, emotional reactions that I have become accustomed to living and playing out.

So this word ‘Acceptance’ I am living on the Level of where I will just allow all these patterns to remain as is, and I will not Dare to Challenge them or to move myself into a point of changing them/myself.

Like for instance with Nail Biting. I just have accepted this pattern as part of me, and I do not move myself to even try anymore and change this point. This is in part related to the fact that it’s a long standing pattern and that I have worked with this physical pattern but haven’t really made any strides or progress in changing the actual habit, and so a part of me goes into this Living Word as ‘Acceptance’ where I just kind of give up on trying to change this point, and so just continue on chewing away my finger nails. So an aspect of living the word acceptance is also the words “giving up” in particular even before I begin.

So to change this word that I have accepted and allowed myself to Live as “Acceptance” will be to actually stop just accepting myself as who I am at the moment as all the patterns and habits and words I currently live out on a daily basis where these patterns, habits, and words, aren’t necessarily aligned with me living to my utmost potential but are aligned with limitation, and self diminishment, and basically a Self that is not Standing Within the Context of What is Best For All.

So Above is a bit of a description of how I am currently Living out the word Acceptance where I haven’t directed and dared myself to Take Myself On and actually change me, but have more accepted myself existing within a purgatory state putting everything off to the side for a moment yet, this moment has extended now into quite a length of time.

So how do I move myself from Living out this definition of Acceptance and into the Living Words as ‘Till Here No Further’, and actually actively taking Myself on.

So how exactly do I live out this word “Acceptance” as the context described above.

I do this by ‘putting things off until later’

A fundamental component to this Nature of this Acceptance is ‘not wanting to change’ where instead I just accept things ‘as is’ because within things being ‘as is’ I am ‘comfortable’. Things are predictable. If I am to change myself in my habits, patterns, and words, I will have to change and a part of me just quickly dismisses this prospect of changing because I see this as such a massive thing, like, I kind of look at this prospect of changing and I have this experience within me where firstly I see my current self and my current patterns, and I see myself changing these, and I experience a kind of strain within myself and I believe that “its too much” and “it will be to involved” and based on this idea within my mind, I reach the conclusion that “I won’t follow through” that “I Know Myself and I Won’t Follow Through”.

Okay I will stop here for this blog and continue in blogs to come in redefining how I will/can assist and support myself stop Living out the word “Acceptance” as I have been, and to redefine this into a point of Self Support to support me to actually change and create myself into and as my full potential of what I am capable of living and expressing as a human begin here on earth.

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Today, as I was driving home from work, I was listening to the radio where they were speaking about more mass killings happening throughout the world. At lunch today I read an article about a jealous boyfriend killing his girlfriend, her new boyfriend, then himself. Yesterday on the internet I watched a video of an apparent beheading. I looked pretty real, but you can never be sure.

I thought, ‘how to do people take it’. How do we as a species continue to operate and function within our day with all of these atrocities going on. For me its like I can read that article and then afterwards its kind of just disappears somewhere and I go about my day. So Where does it go? Because I read about it, it became a point of awareness within me. So is all of this just accumulating inside me somewhere in some corner dimension of myself?

In that same drive home from work, the news on the radio featured another story about war and I started to just consider the amount of abuse that is taking place on this planet right now, and that this will Require A lot of Forgiveness for us humans to come together and actually start to interact and form relationships that life is supposed to be about. Relationships of support, peace, enjoyment. Not relationships of revenge, fighting, competition, and abuse.

So I asked myself the question,

What will it take. What level of Forgiveness is required for this. To really heal this world?

Immediately I could see it will require an Absolute and Unconditional Forgiveness, because at this stage we are so far fucking gone.

And so I looked within myself. I looked at another question.

Am I Giving myself the Forgiveness that I see will be necessary in healing the abuse in this world.

When I looked at this this point, I saw straight away a lot of judgements that I was in that moment holding towards myself for things that I have done, things that I have said I would do that I didn’t, I saw judgements towards myself, I saw anger towards myself, I saw anger towards others, towards the world, I saw competition towards other, I saw a very critical eye I was holding upon myself.

So I see that if I am to stand within a position of Absolute Forgiveness towards this world, towards all the atrocities that exist, and to Stand at that Level of Forgiveness that is required to actually support the healing of this world, that I first must do this with myself. If I cannot even forgive myself then I surely cannot forgive others or the world. And so again I realized the importance of SELF Forgiveness and really IN FACT practicing Forgiving Myself for my mistakes, for not honoring myself or other, I see that I must be able to forgive every point, every iota of myself and that this is necessary in supporting the correction of Life on Earth, to assist and support the creation of a World where no matter who’s shoes you are standing in, you are In a position of equal support.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to Forgive Myself as a point of realizing that right now, given the amount of abuse that is taking place on this Earth, that we Require an extensive amount of Forgiveness to walk the process of putting an end to all abuse and coming together to create a world that is best for all, and that if I cannot even forgive myself, then I will not be able to Stand at that Position of Forgiveness in relation to this world to support the healing of what we are currently existing as as life on earth.

I commit myself to practice Self Forgiveness, and to Practice Forgiving Myself instead of Judging myself, so that I can stand as a point of Support for the healing of this world.

I commit myself to realize that if I cannot even forgive myself then as a species we are doomed.

I commit myself to practice forgiving myself even, and especially for my most unforgivable points.

I commit myself to practice Living Unconditional and Absolute Self Forgiveness

I commit myself to realize that I cannot just say I forgive myself or forgive others while at the same time holding onto the judgements or reactions towards myself or others, I must actually , let go, breath, and Forgive Myself for Real.

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Tonight I finished the series on “Intentions” that you can find on Eqafe. After listening to this series I experience myself to be a lot more clear and empowered within myself in relation to creating my life in a way that will be beneficial to myself and others.

This morning as I went about some daily tasks I began to become frustrated within myself. During these tasks I wasn’t as much noticing the shift within myself from stability into frustration where it wasn’t until later in the afternoon when I noticed myself angry and clearly possessed by a reaction that I acknowledged within myself that I must now go back in my day to identify the point/moment when the reaction began.

I traced it back to the early morning when I began to become frustrated, and flustered in relation to some art related activities that I was busy with.

At this stage in my life, I have created my Art to be my primary career. As such, there is various aspects of having this be a career that require attention and direction. From a certain perspective there is a lot of potential in terms of the various ways I can expand and enhance this point, and this has been something that I haven’t been satisfied with within my life in terms of my creative efficacy within really growing my Art into what I see is a potential way or ways it could exist.

So this relates back to the series of interviews I listened to on Eqafe on ‘Intentions’ where what I identified within my own life while listening to these interviews is how I have had so many intentions with my Art, and how so many of my intentions never actually go through the creation process and become manifest in this real time 3D world but only ever continue existing in the mental realms of my mind as ‘intentions’ only.

So as I listened to this series of interviews over the last couple weeks, I looked at what it was exactly that caused me to not make my Intentions in relation to Art an actual physical creation. And one dimension that I observed with why this was is because so often I would just simply give up, mostly even before I began where like today, I would have a reaction come up, I would become overwhelmed and instead of supporting myself within clearing the reaction and continuing on, I would just go ahead and give up.

I would also actually doubt my intentions a lot, like when they come up within my mind I go into the thinking patterns of

‘what’s the point’

‘those will just be a waste of time’

‘those are just useless thoughts’

And so with having these thoughts, along with the emotional experience of feeling overwhelmed, I would give in, and just stop moving the points.

And I never actually considered that the problem wasn’t actually the nature of the intentions coming up, but that it was more my relationship to these intentions in terms of how I would normally act or react in relation to them. Like how I judged them and so never bothered to take the physical planning and actions to bring them into reality.

And now as I am writing this out for myself I am seeing this particular potent dimension of why it was that I didn’t ever bring my intentions into creation in relation to my art. It was because I judged them and I didn’t think they were worth my time.

So in identifying this, I can now implement the correction of rather than judging my Intentions that come up within myself, I can investigate them practically, and made a decision on some kind of physical direction I can take to actually start physically manifesting and creating these intentions into physical reality.

This was another supportive aspect of the series of interviews I listened to. They provided a clear practical guideline with how to go about making that shift inside yourself so that you can move yourself from intention into physical creation.

So with myself I identified some personal dimensions, such as the judgments I had towards my own intentions, and how this influenced me within giving up even bothering to walk the necessary physical actions to bring them into existence.

Though, along side this there are other dimensions to consider as well, and this is where the interview series really added a lot of value to my life because yes, I identified my own judgments towards my intentions through listening to the series, but that is only one dimension and the series covers some very practical considerations and dimensions that is necessary to getting the ‘full picture’ so that I can now, in realizing I have judged my intentions, do something about it with having access to the insights I gained through listening to this series,

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to look at the art hanging in the office space and immediately go into judgment towards it.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understanding that I was in fact placing a negative judgement onto/towards the art that was hanging on the wall.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that art hanging up at the office space as ‘bad’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resentment towards the art that was hanging on the office wall, due to that art being, by my definition ‘wallmart art’ which I have a negative reaction to and experience resentment towards

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as a negative reaction towards what I define as ‘wallmart art’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resentment and participate in and as the emotion of resentment to and towards what I define as ‘wallmart art’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a ‘negative energy’ into what I see and define as ‘wallmart art’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have created this ‘negative definition’ towards ‘wallmart art’ already within me and so that now whenever I see something that fits into my category that I created within myself of and as ‘wallmart art’ I go into a reaction. A reaction that I have constructed throughout my life and all the various definitions that I have created within and as myself in relation to art and what I define good art and bad art to be.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize, and understand that my definition of what good art and bad art is is not in fact valid because it was/is based on categorizing art and the beings that make it within the context of comparison and being either more/superior or less/inferior than another, and in this not considering the point of Equality and Oneness and that all life is in fact Equal in Value, and to judge art and the beings that make it as better or worse depending on the kind of art they make is to participate with a faulty Value System that was created/is aligned within the context of competition, winning at all costs, greed, self interest, self judgement, feeling inadequate, ect, and ultimately is the same value system that our current system is built on that is abundant with war, misery, abuse, conflict, hatred, mass poverty, addiction, shootings ect.

And so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that whenever I accept and allow even the slightest movements/fluctuations as judgments and reactions to exist within me towards/in relation to Art and what I believe is good or bad, that I am participating with a pre-programmed value system that is not Aligned to in fact What is Best for ALL and Assisting and Supporting ourselves as Life and Humanity to Life within and as our Utmost Potential HERE on Earth in this life time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my old pre-programmed definition of ‘Art’ influence and direct me within my Life instead of letting go and releasing myself completely from this old definition and Assisting and Supporting myself to participate with Art within the context of Principles aligned with Equality and Oneness and What is Best for ALL so that I can in fact be an active participant in the bringing forth A life that is a Living Manifestation of what is in fact Best for ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to construct my idea of what is good art and what is bad art within the context of positive and negative energy where I connected and attached and infused into that which I believed good art to be, positive energy, and that which I believed and defined bad art to be with negative energy as the opposite of the good and so constructed my idea of good and bad art within the context of a either a positive or a negative energy as judgement. Not in fact standing within and as a point of looking at the point of Equality and Oneness, that not all people practice art and that not all people are the same and so that there is various different skill levels and cultural influences, and family influences, and financial influences, and education, and personal interest, that go into someone’s expression in art and so to judge it as bad or good is not in fact seeing or considering these different dimensions within the point of how and why people make art and where it comes from but more just ‘making it personal’ where I will just jump to conclusions about it or form an opinion about it that says more about me and my own relationship with art than the actual beings that made the art or the art itself.

So a point I am seeing here is that my reaction that came up recently into the particular art that I saw hanging in the office space that I had a reaction to and then also other instances like this where I have similar reactions is actually ‘saying more about me’ and so what I see I require to do from here is investigate this reaction I was having more from a ‘personal standpoint’ like for instance,

‘Why was I reacting?’

‘What was I resentful towards’

‘What about this art made me angry’

And here investigating how I personally was reacting within and as myself and what these reactions are indicating about me personally in terms of my current relationship I have with art.