Document 050

"The Great Researcher Prank War of '██"

On 01/██/20██, During an attempted capture of SCP-963 by Chaos Insurgency agents, Dr. Bright made use of 963's intrinsic capabilities to make fools of the attempted kidnappers. When Bright returned to his office, he found a monkey statue waiting for him. His office had been tidied in his absence, and everything filed away, which came as something of a shock for the naturally messy Dr. Bright.

Upon further investigation, it was found that — despite the apparent tidiness of his office — all of his pens had been drained of all but the last bit of ink, and several important documents had been translated into Aramaic.

Dr. Bright immediately began the usual testing of this new SCP, but found himself going nowhere, until Dr. Rights, as payback for something unspecified, smeared his desk with one half of a compound epoxy, and applied the other half of the compound to his utensils. At this point, SCP-050 vanished from Dr. Bright's office, reappearing in Dr. Rights' office, whereupon 050 began the cleanup again.

After several tests, it became apparent that SCP-050 was easily contained, as long as no one outside the Foundation proved to be cleverer than the Foundation scientists. Of course, this led to many of the Foundation scientists seeking to claim the title of 'Most Clever' for themselves.

Entry 1: Dr. English accesses SCP-705. 705 is allowed access to approximately one hundred pounds of similarly colored play dough. After several minutes 'conversation', the new army retreats to the ventilation shafts. No footage of Dr. Bright's room exists, but several hours later Dr. Bright stumbles out, covered in little red welts, and red play dough, swearing and muttering. SCP-050 transfers ownership to Dr. English.

At 10:25 am ██/██/████, Dr. Isendorf returned from a brief coffee break to discover a typed note sitting on his desk, rewritten here.

Dr. Isendorf,
It seems there was a problem with the Class-A Amnesiac you requested following your SCP-231 assignment. Please hop on the next plane leaving from the site, and wait until someone comes and picks you up so that we can get this all sorted out.
Cheers,
O5-███

Despite factual and stylistic errors in this note (inappropriately informal style, the fact that there is no Overseer 3.14), Dr. Isendorf apparently took the note seriously and became highly distressed. Dr. Isendorf boarded the next airplane leaving Site-23, which turned out to be a regularly scheduled flight travelling to Site-19.

Dr. Isendorf apparently did not realize this until landing, at which point he still waited over eight hours outside the site, before a guard found him and asked him what he was doing. Dr. Isendorf soon confirmed that he had never been asigned to SCP-231, and quickly worked out what had happened.

SCP-050 was observed in the office of Dr. Kondraki later that same day.

At 7:28 pm, █/██/2009, Dr. Kondraki was called away by Assistant Researcher Haus, under the pretense of a SCP-173 containment breach. Security cameras recovered footage of the ensuing prank.

Upon returning to his office, Kondraki pauses briefly when he reaches his door. Moments later, he is seen backing slowly out of his office, keeping his eyes fixed on something inside.

It was later revealed that Dr. Kald had placed a replica of SCP-173 in Kondraki's office, positioned in such a way that it faced the door, establishing "eye contact" with whoever might enter the room. Kondraki continued to retreat until slipping on a hitherto unnoticed puddle of cooking oil.

The replica of SCP-173 (made of wire frame, papier mache and spray-paint) was relocated to Doctor Josef Kald's office, shortly followed by SCP-050.

Upon returning to his office on ██/█/2009, Dr. Kald was surprised to find the statue replaced with a note, reading: "I can't believe no one's thought of this!" The statue was later located in the staff locker of Agent Yoric, who had simply stolen it.

From ██/██/2009 to ██/██/2009, maintenance teams were called twenty-seven times to Dr. Kald's office while he was out, all having received orders to install, repair, or remove a piece of furniture from the office, apparently at random. Dr. Kald became increasingly paranoid about these intrusions, considering his possession of SCP-050, and at ██:██ of ██/██/2009, decided to bring his paperwork and the SCP back to his quarters and work from there. Upon entering his quarters, Dr. Kald was doused by the contents of a bucket carefully balanced on the entrance's doorjamb.

On ██/██/2009, Dr. Coleman was seen pinning a notice to the breakroom notice board which read, "Due to the effects of SCP-███ all personnel who have received an amnesiac of any kind within the past six months are required to report to Dr. Light immediately." This was signed and notarised by no fewer than 17 members of O5 command and senior staff. After seeing this an email was immediately sent out retracting the information and causing mass panic among some of our more paranoid employees. After what can only be described as a "bum rush" on Dr. Light's newly refurbished office resulting in the destruction of many items contained within, SCP-050 was found on Dr. Coleman's desk.

On ██/██/2009, Dr. Coleman was called out of his quarters by an email from an unknown source. Five minutes later, security footage showed Dr. Okagawa entering Schumacher's quarters, carrying a bag with unknown contents, and leaving the room a few minutes later without the bag.

Upon returning, Coleman discovered a dead rodent which appeared to have been slathered in the secretions of SCP-447. Personnel in adjacent rooms reported hearing a stream of profanity, followed by a thud. Worried researchers found him passed out on the floor, while the slime was later identified as green gelatin from the kitchen, and the "dead rat" as a rubber toy.

Video Log: ██/██/2009, 12:34 PM. Dr. Okagawa leaves for the cafeteria (presumably for lunch/late breakfast). Researcher Chepelskii is seen entering Dr. Okagawa's office, carrying several testing vials and SCP-███. Left the office five minutes later, closing the door behind him rather hurriedly.

Okagawa returns ten minutes later, opens the door, and is snagged by a large tentacle which pulls him into the office and shuts the door behind him.

A security team is dispatched to Okagawa's office, and discovers him entangled by a giant squid. The team is seen trying to neutralize the cephalopod and free Okagawa. The animal's remains were subsequently destroyed.

On █/██/ 2012, an error occurred in the Foundation Main Database, reassigning System Technician Kent to a squad dea #&@Stoping teh dred lord asaTofh!!1!^)##*@gside the cleaning crews. During the !(*@seging of castul helfire^!(#gnment, Joshua Kent was ordered to !+=`~save th princes aShlye from the barron Blakstaf!!11!2!{\@(aw sewage, with several gallons of feces, ^3~_>,GOLD AND PLATINUM$9(=1#on his head.

During the second half of the assignment, !0&@Sir Ketn and his freinds the magikal night bob*!! had to test several *%@# super majick wepons!)!$ despite the odor. During this time, a routine system sweep had found a(@$!barrel of pur AWESUMNESS@$%@ in the Database. Despite the numerous nearby systems that could have been infected, SCP!)$@-1337 fout the dred lord on a volcanno!!1@(%* concerning System Technician Kent's assignment.

System Technician Kent was returned to Site 23 largely unharmed. SCP-050 was discovered sitting by a hard drive heavily infected with SCP-732, with the statue seeming to consider the virus its new "owner."

On ██/██/2012, Dr. Light connected the SCP-732-infected hard drive to a scanner, and asked 732 if it could produce "LOLCAT" images on request. Its response, presented in the form of an 8000-word erotic story featuring itself (in the form of a man named "Lord Kickass"), Dr. Light, and [REDACTED], was that with the help of SCP-050 it can do anything.

Dr. Light provided SCP-732 with scanned photographs of SCP-577, SCP-529, SCP-607, and two instantiations of SCP-331. SCP-732 produced 10 "LOLCAT" images for each photograph.

Dr. Light then provided SCP-732 with SCP-637 in the form of a drawing by SCP-637-2. As a result of this, SCP-732 was rapidly overwritten with an estimated 63 GB of text describing SCP-637's actions and appearance; whether this information could have filled all available computer memory is unknown, as the last actions of the "Lord Kickass" instantiation were to induce total mechanical failure to its hard drive, accompanied by catastrophic uncontrolled oxidation.

SCP-050 was found in Dr. Light's office the next morning.

Note: SCP-637-2 reports that SCP-637 was not harmed by its venture into SCP-732, but that its fur was "really messed up".

Note: Other copies of SCP-732 seem unaffected by the suicide of "Lord Kickass".