Poor Marilyn Monroe. Someone's discovered grocery receipts from shortly before she died and now some writer's using these perfectly innocuous documents to discover the "secrets" of her soul and figure. Remind us never to die!

The receipts, which date from May of 1962, come from two markets near the star's New York apartment. Groceries listed include "artichokes, eggs, English muffins, cucumber, radishes, strawberry jam, cheddar cheese, corn-on-the-cob, strawberries, endive, steaks, milk, lamb chops and chicken."

In other words, a totally normal week's grocery list. Or is it? Says one analyst to the Telegraph, in a piece titled "Secrets of Marilyn Monroe's Hourglass Figure Revealed In Receipts,"

One substantial delivery was made two days before her big event of singing Happy Birthday to JFK. It's interesting to speculate why Monroe was buying so much food at this time, especially when she knew she had to be sewn into the gown she'd be wearing. Perhaps she was entertaining or maybe she just kept a well-stocked kitchen.

Adds a "nutrition expert," :"The deliveries show a diet of salads, fruit and meat, indicating plenty of protein, which is good. But she obviously allowed a few treats for herself, such as the English muffins and jam." Treats, eh?!

It should be pretty obvious from this that these receipts reveal absolutely nothing about a woman who's been given less posthumous peace than almost anyone in the history of the world, save that she ate a normal diet. In fact, it's probably the least humiliating shopping list we can conceive of! Any list of ours would be so much more damning — because hey, sometimes you're just craving Fruit Roll-Ups! And occasionally it's good to have Redi-Whip in the fridge! (And that baby food? Totally for my boyfriend.) It becomes clear, when you see this kind of thing, why people of prior centuries directed executors to burn all their personal effects, lest they fall prey to intrusive misinterpretation. But at the same time, when you think how people salivate over the smallest crumb of information — I mean, a grocery receipt! — and how little they actually glean, and how totally off these experts' guesses really are... well, maybe Marilyn's having the last laugh after all.