Popcorn got no reaction from the crowd (just like Double Impact). First movie curse perhaps? Sorry, I'm always on the lookout for curses. This could also just be a result of my poor hosting abilities in getting the crowd's attention. I'll go with the curse though. The Peanut Butter Solution got a solid response, and people found out too late that Celine Dion did the score for it which probably would have swayed them away from the eventual winner, The Ice Cream Man.

This is one that I have seen multiple times and still consider one of my favorite bad horror movies so I already knew it would go over pretty well if it was chosen. As entertaining as it is, I think it is even more interesting how it was put together. Apart from Clint Howard who is a national treasure, this was directed by porn director Paul Norman under the pseudonym Norman Apstein. Oh, did I mention that this is the only non-porno that he has ever directed? Go to his IMDB page and check out how the children-centric Ice Cream Man is sandwiched (tugs collar) between such titles as "Bimbo Boys", "Bitches in Heat: Pt. 1 Locked in the Basement" and "Bi and Beyond 6: Authentic".

That is only the beginning. Somehow this guy was able to wrangle not only Clint Howard, which isn't that much of a stretch, but also David Warner, Sandahl Bergman, David Naughton, and Jan Michael Vincent. Now granted, this isn't the A-list we're talking about but that isn't bad for a guy with Bimbo Boys on his resume. There are also some really strange cameos like Steve Garvey from the San Diego Padres and also Doug Llewelyn who was the host of the People's Court for years. How did this all come together?!

Back to the movie - Howard plays Gregory Tudor, a kid who saw his hero, the Ice Cream King, shot to death in the street. First of all, what kind of shady shit was the Ice Cream King into to where a group of guys with machine guns would assassinate him in a suburb in full view of children and their parents? This trauma lead Gregory to a mental institution where got green goop shot into his brain. It isn't made clear how he got out of the institution but I assume it was because he was deemed rehabilitated by his nurse who is like 35 years old but acts 70. I think they got the actress for the flashback scenes and didn't have the budget to get good old age makeup so they just tossed a shawl and glasses on her and called it a day.

Gregory has become the Ice Cream Prince and sells his ice cream to the neighborhood kids, who include our main kid characters Johnny, Heather, Small Paul, and TUUUUUNA. Tuna is the fat kid because the other kids call him the fat kid and he acts all fat. In reality, the actor playing Tuna is not fat and they just stuck a pillow under his shirt and called it a day again. The Ice Cream Man doesn't seem overly aggressive towards them at first, it's only after they keep changing their goddamn ice cream orders that he starts to plan their murders, and rightfully so. From then on it is more murder of family, friends, and guardians as the kids try to escape his wrath.

There is so much more to get into (like how almost everyone in the movie wears Chuck Taylors, or the incredible scenes in the grocery store and the mental institution) but needless to say, this is a hugely entertaining terrible movie and the crowd liked it a lot.

Kurt Russell would give this film 9/10

The second theme of the night was White Ninjas Named Richard and the choices were revealed to be:

This one turned out to be pretty hilarious because I'm pretty sure the crowd couldn't tell the difference between the movies. They all had a white ninja on the cover so I guess people thought that would be the idea for most of them, which you would think would be true but not exactly. Deathfight and Warrior of Justice both got a decent reaction but Ninja Kill was the winner, most likely due to it's great name (though, to be fair, all of these movies have pretty incredible names). And wouldn't ya know it, I'm willing to bet my life savings (haha) that this was the movie with by far the least amount of screen time for white ninjas, named Richard or not.

Out of the three options I had only seen Warrior of Justice so I was excited to check this one out and...well...it was a goddamn trainwreck. It was farted out by Godfrey Ho in a year when he "directed" about forty movies. I say "directed" because this is two separate movies edited together. Who knows what to expect? It starts out promisingly enough with a short, terribly-dubbed conversation immediately followed by a ninja fight. Possibly my second favorite thing in the movie (we'll get to the real favorite later) was the ninjas' ability to change into their ninja gear by simply waving their hands frantically in front of their face like one of the three stooges. That and all of the ninja headbands that said "Nin Ja" on them.

Now on to the plot, okay, I'm not sure how to proceed here because I have no idea what happened in this movie and I watched it pretty intently all the way through. I will handle this by giving a short description of what I thought the movie was about and then go to and find a synopsis and copy and paste it and then compare the two.

My synopsis:

Ok, there is a ninja that dresses in yellow and purple and I thought he was the bad guy ninja the whole movie but I think he actually turned out to be good. He fights this group of ninjas that dress in yellow and blue and have a master who wants purple guy dead. Meanwhile in a completely different movie but not, in Thailand (?) there are two or three groups of people who all have guns and want each other dead for some reason. There is a main guy with an Australian accent who is looking for a guy named Cuba I think and they have a dumb car chase and Cuba dies (I think). The End.

Online synopsis:

"In this actioner, a good ninja master must stop a group of evil ninjas from performing their evil deeds."

That's it. That's all I could find. I think my shitty description of the movie is now the best synopsis of this movie that can be found online and I have no idea if any of it is actually what happened in the movie.

While this movie was impossible to follow, that doesn't mean that it wasn't a pretty fun ride for most of it's runtime. There are enough goofy fight scenes, terrible acting, and costumes to counteract the lack of plot. I will say that this has probably been the weakest of the movies shown so far, about an hour into it I could feel people getting a little antsy. This wasn't helped by the fact that the last quarter of the movie seemed to be a car chase that wouldn't end.

Oh! My favorite part of the movie was that there were no end credits. It says "Ninja Kill" and just ends. When it was over I put my head in my hands and tried to make it all make sense and I still can't.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

This past Tuesday was the first Cultural Atrocities movie night at Tree Bar in Columbus, OH. The turn-out was great and I think everyone enjoyed the movies quite a bit. It's time for a short review of both films that were chosen and some of the best moments from them.

The first theme of the night was Tough Twins and the choices were revealed to be:

Double Impact got exactly zero response from the crowd. People must be JCVD'd out. Twin Dragons: Encounter got a few mixed cheers, seemingly from a few dudes who were intrigued by the prominent boobs on the cover and wanted to see what that was all about. Twin Sitters was the definitive winner, to my surprise.

I had seen both Double Impact and Twin Dragon: Encounter. Twin Sitters was the only movie of the entire night (including the other theme) that I hadn't seen so I was kind of excited that it was chosen. I have seen The Barbarian Brothers in a few other things so I pretty much knew what I was getting into...but you never know with these types of action/family films. I was praying it wasn't brutal, and while a few scattered moments were pretty cringe-worthy, for the most part it was genuinely entertaining.

The first thing that has to be brought up, even before the plot, is the costumes on the BarBros. They range from singlet leotards to entire thrift stores sewed onto an ensemble of dishrags and training bras. Sometimes when they walked into a scene you had to just take a deep breath and just receive everything that they are throwing at you. While their fashion senses are both very much in tune and does little to separate them, a good way to tell them apart is that one of them has had plastic surgery and seems a little more eager to harm the children with his barely concealed roid rage.

The plot is like that Hulk Hogan movie Mr. Nanny but just throw a Double Mint Gum commercial on in a loop in the background. As a matter of fact there is an extended montage sequence in the middle of the movie that could actually be an extended Double Mint commercial. Ok, the plot is such: muscley dudes want to start an Italian restaurant so take a job as bodyguards for a couple of asshole nephews to a rich guy who is dumping toxic waste for another rich guy. That's pretty much it. The bad guys love shotguns and have no qualms about shooting children in a playground to get their target.

It was directed by John Paragon, who most of the people who read this blog would know as Jombi the Genie from Pee Wee's Playhouse, which I think explains why a lot of the comedy works in a strange way. It's just slapsticky and weird enough, sort of like Pee Wee's Playhouse, to be funny. He is also force-fed Italian food by the BarBros which almost made some of the crowd dry-heave. I wonder who he gave the directing reigns to for that scene...

Overall, I thought this was a great start to the night and was well-recieved by the crowd.

Kurt Russell would give this film 7.5 out of 10

The second theme of the night was Hair Metal Horror and the choices were revealed to be:

Hard Rock Zombies got about 2 claps which made me sad since it is incredible. Rock n Roll Nightmare got a little bit more of a reception but Black Roses stole it at the end with about half the crowd on board. I think the similar titles of the movies might have thrown some of them off, haha.

I have seen all three of these movies multiple times and they are all winners so I knew this wasn't one I had to worry too much about. As soon as the Black Roses' lead singer, the dreamy Damian, stared at the screen with his doe eyes and aquanet hair, I knew the audience would be entranced just like the kids of the small town of Mill Basin.

Ok, maybe that's going a little too far. Faux Tom Savini on drums was way sexier than Damian. Oh my, what has this movie done to me! I got tha vapors! *fans myself*

Sorry about that folks, it's just that the Black Roses can do that to people. Including what appears to be a young, rebellious Will Forte before he hit it big with Macgruber. All of the kids in the town fall under their spell eventually. Their rogue, sophisticated, mustachioed English teach is the only thing stopping the Black Roses from taking over Mill Basin...and eventually the world.

Not to discount all of the hilarious death scenes and acting and music and special effects but I think the funniest part about this movie is the film trying to convince us that the most popular band in the country would start their tour in a tiny town and play there for 5 consecutive nights. No way is anything shady going on there. The second funniest part might be the brief appearance of Vincent Pastore (aka Big Pussy from The Sopranos) who has a great wrestling match with a stereo speaker demon.

This was directed by John Fasano who also directed Rock n Roll Nightmare and an assortment of other sleazy 80's rock fiascos.

Kurt Russell would give this film 8.5 out of 10

Stay tuned for more features and the announcement of next month's show!

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Guys! I was finally able to crawl out of that pit I fell into! I broke my leg on impact and had to survive on earthworms for about a year and a half down there. I had my laptop but no power source and so was unable to update the blog. Also, I am now blind from the lack of any source of light. Luckily I learned the home row in middle school so I am proud to announce that I will still able to write about movies and other weird stuff now that I have my power strip back! I'm sorry I have been gone for so long! But I now I am back with a vengeance. For real though? I am back with a die hard with a vengeance. Ya know what? If I'm being honest here, I am actually back with a die hard with a vengeance: part 2 die harder with a vengeancer.

Now for a few changes in the works for this place:

I am starting a movie night with this blog's namesake at a bar called The Tree Bar in Columbus, Ohio. We will be showing a double feature of crazy movies from the 70's, 80's, and 90's every 3rd Tuesday of the month.

Each month we will reveal two very different themes with hints for three movies to go along with each one. The night of the show we will
reveal the movies and every person that comes can plead for their favorite to
be shown.

Movie #1 - A heavy metal
band comes back from the dead to save a small town from Nazis

Movie #2 - A Canadian
metal band finds the gateway to hell while recording their new album

Movie #3 - A demonic
metal band takes over a small town with their evil tunes

It's going to be an amazing time so if you're in the Columbus area come out and watch some of the strangest stuff I've come across on the VHS hunt. The best part is it is FREE! After the show I will put up a review of the show - which movies were chosen and the response to each one. Hopefully, if you're like me and love to watch dumb and entertaining movies with your friends, this is a good way to find out which movies would be good for the occasion

It's great to be back posting on this thing again and I'm excited about what's in store. I'm going to try my best not to fall into any deep, dark pits again.

Monday, September 19, 2011

While acting ability is essential to any actor or actress having a long career in the ever-changing and increasingly dynamic world of film, having a particular look is perhaps even more important. I mean really, when we watch someone perform what is the first thing that we recognize? Is it their ability to transform into their character or is it how their actual look fits that character? It evens out a bit as the performance goes on but that initial reaction goes a long way for the audience to accept it and, more importantly, go along with it. For instance, it would be kind of tough to envision Nathan Lane as a serial killer because that just isn't the type of look that he brings to the table. Robin Williams is a good example of an actor that faced this dilemma and still brought it home. It's definitely possible to avert an audience's expectations with a worthwhile performance, but most of the time it is just plain easier to cast a guy that looks like a serial killer to play a serial killer. On that note, not many actors look more like a serial killer than the man we'll discuss today, Brian Thompson...

Here he is while not performing, looking only slightly less serial killer-y...

Despite looking like he would eat your children, Thompson started his career in theater performing in various plays, musicals, and operas. He eventually got his Master's of Fine Arts and started auditioning for film roles. In his first role he played one of the three punks (along with Bill Paxton) that the Terminator encounters after being sent back, and it was actually Thompson's character whose clothes are stolen and Arnold wears for the rest of the movie. That's a pretty awesome introduction to the Hollywood scene right there. It became immediately apparent that with his intimidating physique and look that Thompson could find consistent work.

After being featured in a few television shows he landed one of his largest roles to date, as the psychopath antagonist in Sylvester Stallone's action "film" Cobra. Thompson played The Night Stalker, a cult leader who kidnaps women and murders them with an axe or a fancy knife. He was probably the most memorable part of the movie besides Bridgette Nielson's robot lust commercial and Stallone's never-ending product placements. Really though, this was the role that has been getting him work ever since.

Next up was The Three Amigos, where he played one of the German fancyboys that are a lot tougher than they initially seem, especially after they shoot up a full bar. I'm not even sure if he said a word but it still sticks out in my mind as one of his more memorable roles. Again it says a lot about how much an actor's look and presence can present to an audience even if they don't have a lot of dialogue to work with.

He has been in a ton of stuff, usually either playing a main bad guy, a main bad guy's lackey, or some other role that needs a huge scary dude. I suppose I have to bring up his disappointing role as Shao-Khan in the sequel to Mortal Kombat, the utterly terrible Annihilation. I'm not sure the blame for that one can be put on Thompson's shoulders though as he seemed to be the only person in the entire production to actually want to make a real movie. God that movie sucks. It still doesn't change the fact that this guy will always be one of the go-to guys if you need someone to scare the crap out of you by simply being there, and god bless him for that.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Hey everybody (hi Dr. Nick!). Sorry for the lack of new posting. I feel like a broken record when I say this but my schedule has been pretty all over the place (again) and the writing has been harder and harder to do on a consistent basis. I just moved (again) and with that move comes a massive job hunt (again). Still working on the second part of the Twin Peaks list (and it's a doozy if I do say so myself), along with some other quasi-abandoned projects like the Movie School Bullies tournament. When things calm down a bit and I'm not so stressed it will be a lot easier to get these out more frequently.

As I've mentioned before I'm kind of a VHS lover, and none moreso than crappy movies that have intrinsic, accidental comedic value. I thought I'd share with you a large chunk of the collection that I've gathered over the years (some of them have been loaned out, left places, etc. but this is most of them) and see if there's anything in particular that you are curious about me reviewing or including in the content here somehow. Let me know. (These were taken on my cell phone so it's not the greatest quality)

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Twin Peaks is a show that has come up quite a few times in the course of this blog's relatively short lifespan. I think a large reason why I like this particular show stems from the fact that there are such a wide array of interesting characters that pop up throughout the show's two seasons. The charm of the series comes from how all of these characters intertwine and impact everyone else in town. I decided to make this a larger, two-part list because I wanted to acknowledge everyone that made an impact in the series.

As always, this is my personal opinion and doesn't take into account how much of an impact that each particular character makes. Instead, this list reflects my personal opinion and how much I enjoyed the mixture of their performances, nuances, and characteristics in addition to how much they impacted the series as a whole. You will be able to tell pretty fast that I was much more invested in the supernatural and comedic aspects of the series and not so much the soap opera aspects. The beauty of this show and shows like this with multiple themes and genres is that each individual viewer can have their own opinions on what aspect of the show they enjoy. So again, this is all my opinion so don't take this too seriously and just enjoy the many interesting and colorful characters that David Lynch has given us during the course of this great series.

50. Dick Tremayne

As with any "Top Whatever" list, there has to be someone at the bottom, and no one deserves it more than that lump of douche named Dick Tremayne. Twin Peaks has a lot of people with very punchable faces (Bobby Briggs immediately comes to mind) but none moreso than this guy. In what became a bigger sub-plot in the second season than it had any right to be, the Dick/Lucy/Andy pregnancy triangle was largely distracting from why we really invested ourselves in this series. Sure, Twin Peaks had a soap opera tinge since it's first episode but by the time this came around I wanted more attention paid to the main plot (i.e. Cooper/Earle) or seriously any other sub-plot. As you will see from their exclusion from this first portion of the list, I love Lucy and Andy as characters so to add him in to complicate things seemed wholly unnecessary. Well, perhaps I would have liked it more if he had any likable qualities whatsoever.

49. Lana Budding Milford

As you'll see with quite a few characters near the bottom of this countdown, they were introduced after Laura Palmer's killer was revealed and a lot of the tension of the series was lost. This doesn't change the quality and the impact the series had (and still has) but it just feels kind of distracting. A perfect example is the Miss Twin Peaks contest. While still having an impact on the endgame of the series, there was a ton of time dedicated to this particular event and it sort of feels secondary to where the series was headed. Lana was the widow of Dougie Milford who eventually remarried his brother Dwayne, the Mayor of Twin Peaks. She tried to use her husband as a way to win the Miss Twin Peaks crown. While it is interesting to see the inner politics of our favorite small town, her character still felt pretty unnecessary. She was in Teen Witch though. Top that?

48. John Justice Wheeler

As much as I like Billy Zane, the actor, I sure hate John Justice Wheeler. He was thrown into the mix as an out-of-nowhere love interest for Audrey Horne after Kyle Maclachlan refused to be romantically involved with a teenager. While I think this is a valid concern from him, and something that was pretty out of left field for someone like Agent Cooper, Audrey wasn't your typical teenager. They really had a special chemistry that could have been explored. Unfortunately we couldn't go down that route and with the series coming to an end they added in Johnny Justice so Audrey wouldn't kill herself or something after Cooper fell in love with another woman. I like Annie as a character (I'll get to her in a bit) but I, and I'm sure a lot of people, would have rather have seen Dale and Audrey get together despite the age difference and that seemed to be the original plan.

47. James Hurley

We've reached the first what I'd call "main character" on the list. James Hurley was heavily involved in the series until the middle of the second season when he just sort of left on his motorcycle. He could have gone a little sooner if I had any say in the matter. It seemed like all he did was look sad and pout. I think the transition of his feelings from Laura to Donna was an essential part of the foundation of the series but it outstayed it's welcome. James is also involved in the only sub-plot that takes place outside of Twin Peaks which was, in my opinion, the weakest part of the entire series. He and Bobby should have just fought each other over the side of a cliff or something. That would have been cool. Also this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VFUGZpKXWiI

46. Mayor Dwayne Milford

He was just kind of old and pretty inconsequential. It was cool to meet the long-standing mayor of Twin Peaks though, even though he didn't play a large part in the actual plot. I can't decide if it would have been worth hearing more about his feud with his deceased brother Dougie. Perhaps if the series would have gone on longer we would have, but yeah, not much we can do about that.

45. Jacques Renault

It takes a pretty big creep to out-creep Leo Johnson but Jacques pulled it off. Not content with being the bartender at the popular hangout The Roadhouse, Jacques also ran drugs across the border and helped secure girls for the prostitution ring at One-Eyed Jack's. While there were a lot of red herrings about who Laura's killer was early in the series, he was the first to actually be accused and arrested for the crime. I don't think most of the audience was convinced though because it just seemed a little too obvious. Though Jacques was very much involved in the situation, he would prove to be innocent of the ultimate crime.

44. Mike Nelson

Mike is actually a pretty interesting character because he is pretty heavily involved in the very early part of the series, is gone for an extended time, and then comes back in a very strange sub-plot. Mike was Donna's boyfriend before she realized her love for James. After this subject was approached and he realized she moved on, he kind of just went back to playing football or whatever. He comes back with a vengeance in the second season as the guy that Nadine, in her amnesia-state, is obsessed with. In a sad twist of fate, right as he decides that he loves her just as much as she loves him, she comes out of it and doesn't even know who he is. As much as I want to not like this guy based on my own high school experience he doesn't seem that bad. He also shares the name with a host of Mystery Science Theater 3000 so that gets him some weird type of credibility with me.

43. Thomas Eckhardt

I've already discussed my fondness for the actor that plays Thomas Eckhardt here, and the reason for his low ranking comes from his very brief appearance in the show. He is more talked about than actually seen. He, along with what seems like most guys in Twin Peaks, is in love with Josie Packard. This fact doesn't stop most of them from endlessly taking advantage of her though, as she's pretty weak-willed despite her beauty. He was heavily involved in the "murder" of Andrew Packard and shows up, along with his sultry assistant Miss Jones, when Josie refuses to go back to Japan to be with him after the burning down of the mill and keeping the accompanying insurance money.

42. Harold Smith

Harold is another of the Twin Peaks folk who Laura visited in her bustling schedule. He is an awkward guy who never leaves his home because of an intense case of agoraphobia. For some reason Laura felt like she could divulge information to Harold that she couldn't to anyone else, most likely because he didn't run with the usual small town gossip factory (but also because she claimed that BOB couldn't "see" him). Despite his problems he is intelligent, well-read, and has a fondness for growing orchids. Laura also entrusted him with her diary which held very important information regarding who her killer was, and when Donna stole this from him he went off the deep end and became another victim in the wake of Laura's death.

41. Jean Renault

Jean was Jacques Renault's older and even more shady brother. He becomes heavily involved near the end of the series to take revenge on Agent Cooper, who he blames for both of his younger brothers' demises. He has a history with Benjamin Horne and Blackie O'Reilly, who are both involved with One-Eyed Jack's. When Audrey infiltrates the organization to find out more information for Agent Cooper she becomes a huge bargaining chip once discovered. Jean and Blackie's plan is to get as much money out of Horne as they can and then skip town. After turning on Blackie, he eventually acquires the services of Hank Jennings to assist him in the showdown but ultimately gets taken down by Cooper.

40. Blackie O'Reilly

Head madame of One-Eyed Jack's, a casino and gentleman's club just outside of town, Blackie runs the business for it's mystery owner, who turns out to be Benjamin Horne. O'Reilly is addicted to heroin which Horne supplies to her on the condition that he continue to do everything asked of her. She resents this deeply and when the opportunity arises to get him back in the form of Audrey, she takes full advantage. She even shoots up Audrey as a sort of payback which takes away any sort of sympathy you could have built up for her. Still, quite a complex character for the limited screen time that she was afforded.

39. Andrew Packard

Packard was talked about quite a bit during the run of the series but wasn't revealed to still be alive until partway through the second season. Brother of Catherine Martell and husband of Josie Packard, Andrew was the owner of the sawmill that is prominently featured in the first season before it is burnt down. I particularly like the actor that portrays him (Dan O'Herlihy) for his acerbic presence. He has no qualms whatsoever about keeping Josie around despite being complicit in his murder plot. I especially like how well he and Pete get along because I never would have seen that coming but it seems to happen because they both dislike Catherine. Despite the mutual dislike, he and Catherine are both scheming enough to find common ground.

38. Agent Denise/Dennis Bryson

C'mon now, just look at the mug? In a series full of otherworldly beings and seedy characters, David Duchovny might take the cake as the character that makes you do a double-take. It's not just the cross-dressing, it's the cross-dressing mixed with it being David Duchovny mixed with this being the most popular show on television when it was initially aired. This just all blows my mind. Keep in mind that I went into watching this series way after it's original run, and this is pre X-files Duchovny so it probably was still startling for the viewing public but times ten for me watching it later. Bryson was doing undercover work as a woman when he realized that he actually felt more comfortable that way. He came to Twin Peaks to investigate Agent Cooper on drug charges but quickly inferred that he was innocent, and later played a prominent role in the saving of Audrey Horne from One-Eyed Jack's.

37. Ronette Pulaski

Ronette isn't a prominent character but her involvement in the overall scope of the series can't be denied. She was with Laura Palmer throughout the night when she was ultimately murdered. If the experience hadn't left her catatonic she probably could have single-handedly ended the series before it even began, as she was the only one that could have named Laura's killer. She is also the reason that Cooper and company had the creepy sketch of BOB that wasn't a huge help in the case (because BOB wasn't really showing himself) but still was able to give us a face for our ultimate villain and also that he gave off an oily smell.

36. Nadine Hurley

In a town full of weirdos, Nadine might be the weirdest of the weirdos. Blessed with superhuman strength (that becomes a lot more prominent in the second season) and an obsession with drape runners, Nadine is a pretty intense and unstable character. She is married to Ed Hurley, although their marriage seems to be based on guilt and pity as opposed to love and desire. Ed is responsible for Nadine's missing eye and has stayed with her because of it (in addition to Nadine most likely killing herself if he leaves) even though he is in love with Norma Jennings, his high school sweetheart. In the second season after Nadine comes out of a coma, she is convinced that she is back in high school and just dating Ed. It might be even weirder than the Black Lodge sequences. Still, Nadine was featured in a lot of episodes and her effect on Ed's psyche can't be denied and it becomes a large part of the series.

35. Annie Blackburn

I'm kind of torn on Annie, because while I think she is a decent character and a good enough love interest for Cooper, it is blaringly obvious that she was shoe-horned in in place of the Cooper/Audrey romance that slightly blossomed and then was abandoned. It is also kind of annoying that a relative newbie would have such a huge part in the end of the series as opposed to one of the more established characters that we had gotten to know (yeah, I'm referring to Audrey again). To her credit, Heather Graham does a good performance which is odd for me to say because I think she really sucks usually.

34. Hank Jennings

Hank is Norma Jenning's estranged husband who is in jail for most of the first season. He is a career criminal and a far better one than Leo Johnson, his sort-of counterpart in the series. He is able to convince multiple people that he is reformed and on a good path when in truth he is anything but that. He wastes little time in getting back into the town's affairs after being released and is heavily involved in a lot of shady activities that the Packards and Ben Horne take part in. He is also involved in the takeover of One-Eyed Jack's, although that is partly against his will. He survives and escapes but is eventually beaten to near-death by Nadine Hurley after he tries to assault Big Ed after finding out about his "affair" with Norma. He ends the series a broken man, back in jail, and even more pathetic than he was before.

33. Jerry Horne

Jerry Horne isn't a very developed character but he injects an energy and enthusiasm in every scene he is in. It helps that he is played by amazing character actor David Patrick Kelly who has played more creeps and weirdos than perhaps any other actor. Jerry acts publicly like Ben Horne acts behind closed doors. While they get along very well it is very obvious that Ben is sometimes very embarrassed by his spazzy brother. Jerry is the international emissary of the Horne empire and is pretty much just around to give Ben someone to hang out with besides his family, Catherine, and his various hired thugs. He brings out a side of Ben that isn't seen very often but it's great to see him let loose and have some fun.

32. Oldest Room Service Attendant Ever

There isn't really a ton of stuff to say in regards to this guy. It's not really clear whether he was just a really old guy employed by Ben Horne's hotel or if he is yet another spirit. He does show up briefly in the Black Lodge (or is it the Black/White Lodge waiting room?) so I'm leading towards him having some kind of supernatural connection. Despite his relatively brief appearance in the show he makes a pretty large impact, at least to me personally. He's also involved in what may be my favorite sequence in the entire show which is the very beginning of season 2 after Cooper has been shot by a mystery person. He gets extra points for being the last role played by Hank Worden, a legit cowboy from the dying days of the Wild West. He died shortly after and, oddly enough, this role became one of the few that he was most famous for.

31. Bobby Briggs

Despite being a character that was central to the entire mythos of Twin Peaks, I can't get over the fact of how much I hated Bobby Briggs. Maybe that was the whole point but I still can't get past how annoying the dude is. He was the popular asshole quarterback of Laura Palmer who was a lot more involved in the shady dealings of the town than anyone really thought. I'm actually kind of surprised that no one just put a bullet in this fool midway through the first season but he perservered. It is revealed early on that he had been having a secret relationship with Shelly and she was the only person that he cared about. That still didn't stop him from giving her the worst advice ever and still really only caring about himself in the long run. Despite having what appear to be some of the nicest parents in town (or maybe the entire Northwest) he still disrespects them constantly. It's blatantly obvious that he's overcompensating for his tiny penis.

30. Maddy Ferguson

Maddy, played by Sheryl Lee (the same actress who portrays Laura Palmer), was introduced to the series as a family member of the Palmers who comforts Leland and Sarah, Laura's parents. Lee's is a very interesting story actually, as Lynch was looking for an unknown actress to be Laura Palmer, and acting ability wasn't really necessary as she is just dead the whole time. However, Lynch was so impressed with her that he wanted her to be in the series in some capacity and wrote the character of Maddy, Laura's cousin who looks almost exactly like her, specifically for her. Despite their similar appearance, Maddy is much more innocent and sweet than Laura. She becomes friends with Donna and James soon after arriving in town and helps them with their independent investigation to find Laura's killer. She is involved in probably the scariest and most intense scene in the entire series during the second season, when Laura's killer is revealed and murders her in cold blood. Maddy, we hardly knew ya.

29. Donna Hayward

Donna was Laura Palmer's best friend and classmate. After Laura died, she and James decided that they would be the ones to solve the murder despite not having any actual evidence. Instead they relied on snooping around until evidence sort of came to them. Eventually they discovered that they loved each other, which was a little fishy considering James was going on about how much he loved Laura a few days before. Ahh high school, where we fall in love every other week. The Donna/James storyline started to get stale near the middle of the second season and Donna started to get less and less involved. She started to get kind of interesting again at the end of second season after a pretty crazy revelation about her family life but, sadly, that would actually be the end of the series and we wouldn't get anything else.

28. Leo Johnson

Leo didn't have a whole lot of character development in the course of the series. He was a tremendous asshole for about half the series and was in a coma for the other half. Oh, he was also briefly a slave for Windom Earle. Despite the complete lack of likable qualities (or acting ability, really), Leo did have a pretty huge effect on the course of the series. He was with Laura Palmer on the night she was murdered and was involved with every shady person in town. His relationship with Shelly made for some of the most uncomfortable moments of the series and at first we're relieved when he gets put into a coma. Then Lynch pulls a brilliant 180 on us and we do feel sorry for him after a while, not really for the person that he is but more as a human being.

27. Will "Doc" Hayward

Doc Hayward was an ancillary character in the series, mostly because unlike the rest of the town he didn't have anything to hide. He was a good, fair man who had a family he cared about very much. Laura's murder hurt him deeply as he had known her since she was a child and was very good friends with the Palmer family. He would show up when Cooper and Truman needed his medical opinion or advice on something. He did have a pretty great altercation with Agent Albert Rosenfeld during his visit to Twin Peaks but that was about as involved, drama-wise, as he became in the series. He was a much-needed voice of calm and reason in a town full of craziness. Also, a fun bit of trivia, he was the father of the man who co-created the series with David Lynch, Mark Frost.

26. Phillip Michael Gerard aka MIKE

MIKE is a dominant spirit from the Black Lodge who appeared to be BOB's superior. We'll get to BOB a little bit later but to put it in relatively simple terms, BOB decided he didn't want to deal with MIKE in the Black Lodge anymore and escaped into our world to cause trouble. It is revealed in the prequel movie "Fire Walk With Me" that they both collect a food substance known as Garmonbozia which comes from the pain and suffering of humans. It appears that MIKE doesn't approve of BOB's methods and enters his human host body, known as Phillip Michael Gerard (a one-armed shoe salesman), to stop him. See, isn't this way more interesting than James and Donna making out and then crying?