Trying to separate the biographies of 41-year-old former Saturday Night Live cast member Tracy Morgan and Tracy Jordan, the fictional star of a show called TGS that Tina Fey created for 30 Rock, can make your head hurt. Both Tracys share a fondness for Star Wars arcana, snake husbandry, and naming sons "Tracy Jr." Both have become comic icons, thanks to the show. But which Tracy recorded the novelty record "Werewolf Bar Mitzvah"? Who declared, before doffing his T-shirt and slapping his belly on a local ABC newscast, "Somebody gonna get pregnant while I'm in town"? ([A] Jordan; [B] Morgan.) Whereas Jordan starred in Black Cop/White Cop (tagline: "One does the duty; the other gets the booty"), it's the flesh-and-blood, newly divorced, soberedup— but still occasionally shirtless—Morgan who stars alongside Bruce Willis in the new interracial buddy comedy Cop Out. And just for those who would suggest that Morgan could never top his fictional alter ego's story about biting Dakota Fanning in the face, the real-life Tracy has something up his sleeve: a red wooden arm, to be precise.

ELLE: In your memoir, I Am the New Black, you wrote, "No woman can resist me! Give me enough time and it's a done deal...."TRACY MORGAN: Yeah, it's because I have a masterful sense of humor.

ELLE: But someone must have been able to resist you.TM: Sure. But it would have to be somebody who wouldn't give me the time of day. It's different for me, because I can make you laugh within half a second. And I don't even have to make you laugh; all I have to do is smile at you. Women just want somebody to be friendly. Most men, they just focus on the sex. They never looked in their eyes. You gotta be like Svengali, man! If she's not spoken for and you come at her correctly, like a man, she'll get with you.

ELLE: In the book, you describe one girl you dated when you were young as a "thug girlfriend," a term I'd never heard. If I start dating a thug girlfriend, what sort of behavior might I expect from her?TM: The question should be reversed. What kind of behavior would you expect from you? She's going to be the same. Your behavior would change. A thugged-out woman carries guns. You see how Tupac was? I was with women like that. They grew up in a single-parent household where the mother has to be both mother and father. That takes her femininity—in this world of poverty, you gotta be tough. So I started trying to be just as tough or tougher.

ELLE: You wrote of 30 Rock guest star Salma Hayek, "If she gave me just a little time, I'd make her the Octomom."TM: She is so beautiful, man. Oh, the way she moves. You know what the sexiest part of a woman's body is? Most men would say the breasts, the ass, the vagina. No, it's not. The sexiest part of a woman's body is the back of her kneecaps.

ELLE: The back of her kneecaps?TM: Yeah, you know that little dent on the back of her legs? Oh. If she got a nice little dimple there, that's sexy. You want to turn a woman on? Kiss the back of her kneecaps.

ELLE: Did you get close enough to Salma Hayek to inspect the backs of her kneecaps?TM: Yeah, man. There's nothing wrong with looking at a woman's kneecaps.

ELLE: Can you recount a moment of adolescent humiliation involving a woman?TM: When I was 17, I was at a Chinese restaurant with my first love, and this gangster dude came in and totally skipped us on the line. And I said, "Yo dude, what you doing?" And he pulled out what looked like a gun, right in front of her. I looked at this guy's eyes, and all I saw was black. I saw Jason Voorhees. I'm like, Fuck the egg foo yong! She was standing there looking at me like, Aren't you going to do anything? But I'm like, "Dude, please don't kill me. Please don't kill me." I think she wanted me to protect her—you know, all that mythological shit. And I'm thinking, He shoots me, I die, and then she cries at the funeral, and then she moves onto another guy. So that was the end of it for us. And good riddance!

ELLE: Are there any women who are deemed sex symbols but whose appeal you don't understand?TM: Overrated? Yeah, the Kardashians.

ELLE: Is there any physical imperfection that would disqualify a woman from being on a magazine cover, but that you consider enormously sexy?TM: What you have to understand is that my thing is not glamour. I love stretch marks and C-section scars and all of that. I'm a grown man. You don't gotta put on no makeup with me.

ELLE: Have you ever seen anything after taking off a woman's clothes that has freaked you out enough to stop?TM: No. But when I was 17, I had sex with a woman with a wooden arm. It was shaped like it was holding a cup. And it was painted red. And in my mind I was like, Oh, shit! But I did it anyway.

ELLE: So you're telling me that this woman had a red wooden cup holder for an arm, and you only noticed it once she was naked?TM: Yeah, man. It was at a house party, and she had her coat on.

ELLE: And the shock didn't stop you?TM: Naw. Wonder Twins powers were already activated. And it was good! I don't discriminate.

ELLE: What one item could you find in a woman's house that would convince you you're not compatible?TM: Spiked gloves. Or anything that's too masculine. She could even ride a motorcycle if, whenever she took her helmet off, she'd do that thing with her hair that looks like a Wella Balsam commercial. I love a lady who likes being a lady. If I walk into her place and the room's pink and smells like cookies, that's good. I'd walk in there and be like, Yeah, I'm gonna tear this shit up.