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Christian Bumper Stickers Linked to Higher Automobile Accident Rate

The link may be weak and the research suspect. The information gathered may be anecdotal and the double-blind study more like a both eyes require reading glasses for the small print. Still I believe that I can connect bumper stickers bearing common Christian sayings with a sharp increase in collisions involving the vehicle with said sticker and/or the vehicle driven by an individual who read said sticker.

Honk if you love Jesus.

This bumper sticker has been linked to a dramatic increase in avoidable sideswipe collisions. My study has uncovered a reluctance to warn the driver of the vehicle bearing the “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker that they are drifting out of their lane and about to collide. It is believed that those who do not love Jesus are afraid to honk their horn because they may be mistaken for Jesus lovers.

It was also revealed in this study that those who use their horn to warn the offending driver of their line drifting were not less likely to be involved in a sideswipe collision than those who did not use their horn. In almost every incident witnesses report that the driver of the car bearing the bumper sticker waved and smiled after the other driver applied their horn but did not take corrective action.

Jesus is the answer.

This bumper sticker has been linked to a dramatic increase in avoidable rear-end collisions. My study has revealed that in most cases the driver of the car following the car bearing the “Jesus is the answer” bumper sticker became distracted by their thoughts just before impact. During each driver interview the drivers reported reading the bumper sticker and then wondering if they were suffering from some form of Alzheimer’s disease. Just before impact the highly confused and agitated drivers became obsessed as they tried to understand how Jesus could be the answer to a question they didn’t remember asking. Note: all drivers were tested and none were suffering from any debilitating neurological impairment.

My boss is a Jewish carpenter.

This bumper sticker has been linked to a dramatic increase in avoidable incidents involving vehicles leaving the roadway. My study has revealed that only those who watch sit-coms and stand-up comedians were involved in incidents connected to cars bearing the “My boss is a Jewish carpenter” bumper sticker. In each case, those rendering aid to the driver reported hearing the driver laughing and seeing tears in the driver eyes. It is believed that these tears caused by the hysterical laughter may have obstructed the driver’s field of vision causing them to leave the driving surface and crash.

Interviews conducted for the purpose of this study with the drivers of the vehicles that left the road revealed that each driver, after reading the bumper sticker, had a flashback to either a sit-com dialog or a stand-up comedian. In each case the humour in the TV show or monologue revolved around how displeased the mother of said Jewish carpenter was that her son didn’t become a lawyer or a doctor. This caused the hysterical laughter that led to the formation of tears which obstructed their view causing them to veer off the road and crash.

Okay, you’re right, there was no study.

I don’t want to insult your intelligence by pointing out that this is just a joke, but at the same time I don’t want you searching for this study. I made it up to make a point. I don’t want you to think that I am against bumper stickers. I really don’t care if you feel the need to tell me that your other car is a Ferrari or that your car climbed Mt Washington. If you want me to honk at you because you love something or if you want me to know about the scholastic achievements of your kids go for it. I wrote this blog to say one thing:

Life is far more complicated and living out Christian faith far more difficult than one line bumper stickers would have you believe.

I love how you think outside the box for your posts and lessons.
My older sister’s answering machine “bumper sticker” includes the words “saved, blessed, forgiven, and celibate.” That last one is TMI and bound to be rear-end collision inducing. I don’t leave voice mails anymore 🙂