This post was brought on by playing the “Farewell, My Turnabout” case of Ace Attorney, but it’s mostly a personal post discussing self-esteem and self-image.

It’s really funny, I’ve played through this case at least four times, and while Adrian’s story always touches me, it wasn’t until now that it struck a different kind of nerve, one I hadn’t experienced before, and actually made it hard for me to proceed through the game because it struck so close to home.

It’s the idea of trying to take on the image of someone you admire, and then realizing you’ll never become that person. And the reason is obvious, we are all individuals, no one person can be exactly the same as another, etc. and holding a person up to such ridiculous standards is absurd anyway, as the person likely goes through the same struggles as you do. But it still hurts to know you can’t ever be that person, no matter how you try to rationalize it out. And when you’re told you’re not the person you wish you were, it’s like this sudden splash of cold water or a jolt followed by pain that tenses you up everywhere.

I say it’s funny, because it’s been a problem of mine since—probably since I was born, but it didn’t become one I recognized until I was in high school. I guess it only hit me now because I’m an adult in my mid-twenties, and I still don’t think I’m any closer to becoming the person I’d like to be, and if I try, it feels like an act. And then I just feel confused and uncomfortable about who I even really am.

I’m sure many have experienced or are experiencing it, and it passes, through time or through growth, but it’s painful regardless.