leaving the past, live authentically today

The morning haze…

I could do with more sleep right now. I feel…numb. I remember the $100 cab ride home from the Casino last night was emotional, poor bloody cab driver. I asked and with respect he kept quiet the whole long journey. I cried all the way home. I remember watching the white line that marked the edge of the road and how detached from everything I felt.

I had just text ‘the good one’ and simply said ‘goodbye’. That particular goodbye was not anything to do with what I eventually felt when I got home and continued to drink, feeling very very low and despondent. Instead of uplifting I had sad music on and downed several more whiskeys. I had been drinking most of the day. I remember referring to it as I chatted to someone I knew at the Casino as my anesthetic, my pain killer. I knew better but I just needed to forget yesterday, its just how I felt.

I wrote about how I felt last night late because in a macabre way I was also fascinated and wanted to verbalise how sometimes in a an almost split second you could feel such relief in the thought of letting go for good. I have actually been suicidal before and it was much more calm, sober and calculated than that and that was a real attempt. Last night was just a fantasy. Dangerous but real. But it was fleeting, because no matter how alcohol hazed I was my mind is much stronger now than its ever been, even without antidepressants and even with the shit flying everywhere. I owe it to my boys not to give up. They are my anchor to this earth.

In a strange turn of events not long after I posted that blog post I get a text from ‘the good one’; “I just read the blog you were telling me about, never contact me again”. I hadn’t written anything else for hours after I had sent the goodbye text, I hadn’t felt there was anything else left to say even though he text me back at the time “goodbye???”. I had come to that conclusion then because I had felt tortured for days about us and I felt it was my only option after he had once again told me he wanted to ‘give it a miss’, our supposed catch up last night. I had had it before and the nature of our relationship the to-ing and fro-ing had finally wore me out. It seemed every time he did the ‘I’m there, I’m not there thing’ it was like a knife making another stab wound, maybe a tad strong but we had been down the road of the merry and not so merry dance and I was tired of it. Not that he meant much by it, he just said he was tired and needed a night to himself. After talking with friends yesterday and explaining the dance they said it didn’t sound good and that I should probably let it go, and I kind of agreed. There is only so much I can handle right now, I feel worn.

But what had struck me a couple of weeks ago was that I had actually fallen in love with him. Against all sanity and better judgement, knowing fully what he told me he was feeling at the time, it still happened. I fought it, I did. After the Joe debacle the last thing I needed was another heartbreak and he had somehow managed to get in. I thought I was in control of it…dammit. Love. I have never been very good at it, in fact I suck at it.

So after he text me the “I read your blog..” I felt at first surprised. Then I thought, “no, you dont get to say that to me” so I text back. He was cross with me. He, was cross. There was emotion there. Something had driven him to FB stalk me (I do it too, check non ‘friends’ out sometimes, dont we all? Its not a crime. I would often look at his profile pic because I missed his beautiful smile) and finally find and read my blog. I had unfriended him on FB in a fit of rage a few weeks ago and was quietly glad because I didn’t want him to read my blog. Even though I had only ever pretty much wrote good things about him, I knew he would probably not understand.

I called him. It was late and he needed to get to work this morning (no wonder the poor bastard gets cross with me…and he rarely gets cross..well never really in front of me). He spoke to me in such a wonderful gentle tone..that feeling I get when am with him returned. Oh god, I am back to square one. Love SUCKS.

I guess, we’ll see. I need more sleep and lots of water…and a plan to get my sanity back..