If there was ever an argument for abortion,
“Cheaper by the Dozen 2” should be a pretty strong one. In the age of
over fed, spoiled rotten, all consuming, all devouring, fat modern
America, it’s amazing that there are still different Conservative
entities that promote having lots of and lots of children as noble and
quirky. Gone are the financial troubles, individual problems, and stress
of taking care of many young children, no, Disney says, having a dozen
kids is wonderful, not hard. Having twelve mouths to feed in a starving
country is funny and sweet, and utterly influenced.

Unless you’re the Hitler Youth,
a cult, starting a sports team, or Mormon, I don’t see why
having twelve kids could be such a great idea, even to
people financially prepared to have them. But that’s not the
crime behind “Cheaper by the Dozen 2,” its crime is that
it’s a sequel of a barely watchable remake. It’s almost as
if all studios have Eugene Levy on their rolodexes, and when
they’re in need of a quick sequel character, they just turn
to him.

This
man will say yes to any role it seems, he and Sam Jackson are in
good company. But that’s only a piece of this maggot pie. There’s
the typically awful performance by Hilary Duff who is forced into
center stage, Tom Welling once again staggering around in his usual
stilted performance, engaging in a cheesy “Romeo & Juliet” plot with
Jamie King, and the typically predictable center plot of a rival
family with as much kids as these bozos competing for no other
reason than the writers were out of ideas.

Not to mention, the typical adolescents
battling well meaning but inept parents malarkey we’ve seen time and
time again. And then, rather than focus on the children, director
Shankman centers the film entirely around physical outtakes from
nearly the entire cast, and the usual glib one-liners from Bonnie
Hunt which have now become a fail safe. She can deliver one-liners,
but the one-liners have to actually be funny to enjoy the actress.
Beyond these evident errors, “Cheaper by the Dozen 2” is an obvious
cash in with Steve Martin slumming yet again. There’s really nothing
I can say about “Cheaper by the Dozen 2” that any normal person
can’t see already.

I think it should be considered child abuse
to inflict this tripe upon children, because I don’t see what can be
learned or gained by showing them a film that influences pro-creating
like it’s going out of style. “Cheaper by the Dozen 2” is an abomination
with some of the worst performances, and a truly terrible plot. Martin’s
career: RIP.

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