Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Boredom

Hey, Goosebumps 2 is still out! The first one was really boring but I wished I made a review on it. A Star is Born and Bohemian Rhapsody are still out. Do any of you want another review of either of them? There is no rule in the official Online Movie Critic Rule Book that I’m not allowed to review the same movie twice. Oh maybe I should review movies that are on DVD and see how they compare to their theatrical release. So you’ll have my cinema review of Mamma Mia 2 and also the DVD release – doesn’t that sound great? Next week Robin Hood and The Nutcracker come out. Maybe I should do a pre-review. This will be where I make up my own thoughts for the movie and predict how accurate I will be. I’ll change my name to The Blog Predictor and this will no longer be a review site, it will become a theorist site where I make up a bunch of nonsense for your reading pleasure.

While I’m coming up with potential theorist posts, I guess I should mention a movie that I saw and after seeing it I wanted to be apparated into a wall because that would be more exciting than watching this film again!

Maybe this would have made a decent TV show.

Since blockbuster movies are kind of non-existent at this time of the year, I decided to check this one out. There were plenty of other things I could have done, like my DC series or my Watchathon or catch up on the shows I want to watch, but no, I chose to watch another movie with a terrible trailer that looks as exciting as staring at the bottom of my shoes. I’m almost at 300 words and I haven’t even mentioned the title of the movie. Who’s left? Raise your hand if you haven’t yet jumped ship because I’m going to talk about the movie now, I’m done stalling. (But I really want to keep going.)

Fantastic……………..Beasts: The Crimes of pointless movies is a waste of everyone’s time. This the sequel to the first prequel and it’s one of those films I’m glad I have never seen. That’s right, I never saw the first one because quite frankly it never interested me. I was intending to watch it on Netflix whenever I found the time, but it went away before I got a chance. (I doubt I’m missing much) Once Harry Potter finished I was done with the franchise and ever since then Warner Bros have been desperately trying to make it relevant again so they can keep that cash cow moving. The only reason I saw this new one is because A: The Blog Complainer, B: to hate on it (if it turned out to be bad) and C: to get something out of it. I didn’t get anything out of it besides wishing I saw Goosebumps 2 and I’m going to hate on it for how boring it is.

So this movie takes place many years before Harry Potter, but this movie will still go out of its way to reference the hell out of it. So we follow Eddie Redmayne and his useless companions as they hunt for Ezra Miller (who I imagine played a big role in the first movie) as he’s very important and they never really explain why he’s really important. (The ending doesn’t count!) But it’s a race because Johnny Depp is starting his own rebellion, but don’t worry about him, I know his name is in the title but that’s for future films.

How I would describe my experience is it was very lacklustre. The story was very uninteresting and it took too long to get started. Especially when they’re at Eddie Redmayne’s house and Eddie is just hanging out with the blond chick and bumbling idiot. Later on he’s babysitting the zoo animals in his giant basement. THERE IS A VERY IMPORTANT FUGITIVE WHO MIGHT CONVERT TO THE EVIL GOTH LORD’S SIDE, IF YOU DON’T GET OFF YOUR ASS! Once it gets started I’m slightly more interested (but not too much).

I know the world is in danger and all but I guess we could chill for 6 hours or more.

I guess I should mention the Harry Potter references which I didn’t really care for but I was bored out of my mind that some recognisable imagery of better movies might take me back. For starters Dumbledore is in this movie and he doesn’t do anything because that’s for the next film. They set up his super close relationship with Johnny Depp, too bad it never goes any further than that. They go to Hogwarts and it’s looks like the only real location in the movie. Voldemort’s snake is in the movie as a circus freak. (I don’t count it as a spoiler because she is in the trailers.) Speaking of the trailers, I find it hilarious that the only scenes where Johnny Depp does any crimes are all featured in the trailers! That explains my disappointment because it’s a 2+ hour long con. This movie really should have been called Fantastic Beasts: Give us your money so we can make the real movie that you want to see!

Spoiler Warning!

I really hated the ending, it was so bad. For 75% movie I was thinking the story is boring and confusing but the monsters look pretty cool and the performances are alright. But that ending just comes out of nowhere. Johnny Depp has Ezra Miller’s character on his side which enables him to beat everyone, particularly because the good guys just stand around and let him win. The Ministry of Magic is at his secret cult meeting and they go ‘Let’s watch them form an army instead of holding the place down and making them all surrender’. Back to the ending. Ezra Miller has been running around trying to find out who he is and no one really tells him anything and it’s all very convoluted. They show that he was taken into the Lestrange family when the main girl lets her baby brother die at sea because he cried too much and Ezra Miller becomes her new baby brother. Johnny Depp reveals he is Dumbledore’s brother, which makes no sense.

So when does this flashback take place because where was Dumbledore when this happened and/or this baby’s parents or Dumbledore’s brother or sister? Is Dumbledore aware of his existence and if so why didn’t he mention this? I’m guessing he didn’t know because there is no mention that he had two brothers and if we find out he never knew then it makes no sense why he never mentioned that in his book in Deathly Hallows. Speaking of Deathly Hallows, they mention Johnny Depp’s character a fair amount in that movie so I already know what’s going to happen. It’s a scam because just like with that Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom this movie’s only purpose is to set up future films. The huge issue is that this movie is so boring and meanders for so long that I honestly don’t care. This movie doesn’t deserve a sequel and now I despise this movie for its sequel baiting ending.

Whoa, who knew I would be so important to the franchise.

Spoiler Free

I’m so over this movie talking it about it just reminds me that I have completely wasted my time and I really should have gone to watch Goosebumps 2: Give us your money, we already spent the last movies earnings. Final score 3/10. Rotten Tomatoes say audiences love it so if you didn’t agree with what I said then I highly recommend this movie. But if you take my review into account then I obviously don’t recommend it so why not go and do something else like watch Goosebumps 2?

That’s it. I hope you enjoyed yourself because I didn’t. Like if you liked it, comment if you didn’t like it and I’ll be back in a couple of days once I have got this terrible movie out of my head.