Waiting…

I’ve caught up on blogs so it seems only fair to post an update myself. But of what? I feel like I don’t really have any news, similar to what I say to my folks when we talk on the phone.

How are you? What have you been doing?

Oh… Fine. Just been working. And sleeping. And working. Had a relaxing weekend.

I guess the great unsaid is When are you going to have some good news about our grandchild?

But we’re just… Waiting. As ever. I think there should be a guidebook called The Infertile’s Guide To Waiting. And in it, there would be lots of blank pages with “…” written on. And maybe every now and then there would be something like “Perhaps you ovulated!” and “Attend someone else’s baby shower/christening/etc”.

Of course, there are some extremely good things. We have finally taken down our Christmas decorations! I’ve had some nice home time with T and Dog. Doglet really is the cutest thing in the world. Even when days are rough, he does seem to provide some nice enthusiasm (probably about food) and unconditional love (probably about food). And let’s not forget T; the guy has the patience of a saint and is pretty cute too. I mainly love the fact that he is extremely enthusiastic about things, like Christmas or his next big idea. (I’m waiting for the next thing. I’m sure it will be good. We might even go on a date next week as our friends want to dogsit!)

Meanwhile, I’ve had all sorts of irritating minor drama at work. It’s fairly dramatic and involves She Who Needs A Slap In The Face, but it’s just too boring to go into… Suffice to say that the pregnant one turns out to be five months pregnant rather than the seven or eight it appears, which means she’ll be bothering me for another four months. Urgh.

The other thing I’ve been thinking is how annoying it is that women can’t complain about women without it being a Women Thing. It’s like people automatically assume that any sort of unreasonable behaviour is purely down to my hysterical interpretation of a situation [because I’m a woman, therefore hysterical] and not because there might be some inherent problem with it. It’s tiring being in a work situation where people are so political and talking about each other all the time. All I want to do is get on with my work and enjoy it. Is that too much to ask?!

Anyway.

Other than that, it’s just… Waiting.

As I mentioned in my previous post, my NHS clinic has agreed to delay starting IVF until March based on my request to [insert vague excuse for getting a second/third opinion here]. My main reason for wanting to delay is to get some further investigations, mainly to see if there’s any reason for the fact that I’ve never gotten pregnant naturally, and our one IVF pregnancy ended in miscarriage. (I know, I know, prevailing logic is that it’s just luck of the draw, yadda yadda, but I’m the type who wants to see if there’s an actual reason. Quite frankly one miscarriage is bad enough – I don’t know how people go through the mandatory three before getting further investigations.) We had one second opinion which I described in my previous post, and now we’re waiting for the appointment with the clinic that specialises in reproductive immunology, so we shall see.

Meanwhile… I had to pick up my IVF meds. Because the prescription’s only valid for one month. As I mentioned in my previous post, I tried to get the NHS prepayment card because it’s cheaper to pay up front for the drugs. (It’s small fry compared to what it is in the US/Canada/etc, but still, why not try and save money so you can spend it on expensive RI diagnostics, eh?) I couldn’t buy the prepayment card because the system showed me as still having a maternity exemption card (from my miscarriage in July, which T sent back when I begged him to). Well – turns out the NHS says you can use it until it runs out. In February 2017! When Pizza Baby would be a year old, if I hadn’t miscarried. T had sent it back so the guy at the end of the phone expressed his sympathies, reiterated that it was still valid and I was still exempt until next year, and sent me a new card.

You can imagine how strange it feels when you go to pick up your IVF meds. (For those not in the UK: Most people pay a small sum for prescriptions in addition to the National Insurance contributions we make through our pay packets which pay for the NHS. Some groups are exempt, like old people, kids, students and expectant mothers.)

Do you pay for your prescriptions?

No, I don’t. [Pushes NHS Maternity Exemption card across the counter]

The script taker just wrote on the prescription that I had a maternity exemption card. But the dispensing pharmacist was more savvy. She knew what those drugs were… Fertility drugs. A few months’ supply of Buserelin, Menopur, Ovitrelle and Crinone… I’m clearly not pregnant.

Thanks Jo! It’s not hell, honestly. It’s tedious and horrible waiting, and there’s that feeling of not knowing whether to give up / accept life for what it is, childless… But it’s really not THAT bad. I’m super lucky in many ways, and that’s not me overcompensating or whatever – I still have times of frustration and “It’s not fair!” but I am fortunate to have lots of good things in my life. (Especially T and Dog. T thinks he’s the most important… And I’ll keep telling him that as Dog doesn’t mind where he comes in the pecking order!) Thank you for being here! X

I know, it’s crazy right? It’s only a small saving but in a weird way does seem like the universe (NHS!) giving some small compensation for the miscarriage. It’s a bit screwy the way it works really, but I’m not going to complain. I was perfectly willing to pay, but they told me not to!

I was starting to wonder about you! So, thank you for the update, much appreciated. That said, I’m anxious for you to be done waiting, so I can only imagine how you are feeling about all this waiting! Yet, I think it’s worth it to get another opinion. So, here’s to hoping all of this pays off and your next one is the one! Lots of love.

Haha, right?! Kind of messed up, but I’m not going to say no! I’m glad to see your baking is going well with little B! And I still have you on my list of “People whose second cycle worked”, so I’m hoping I’m like you! 🙂

Thank you! Tbh I do wonder if it’s a delay for nothing, but then I tell myself a couple of months the won’t make a difference. I’m trying to get a bit healthier and I think I’ll feel better if I have any sorts of answers. However I do wonder if there will be no answers. Who knows?! Can’t second guess the docs!

Ok that is the sort of thing you seriously couldn’t make up. Good old bureaucracy. All the rules often result in these outcomes that don’t seem to make sense and yet they are so. Good luck with the second opinions. I am a big fan of the second opinion as for us, it was the key to unlocking the infertility mystery. I was lucky that my answer ended up being so straightforward (after 3 completely useless IVF cycles mind you) but I’m not naive enough to think it’s that easy for everyone. I hope your investigations give you some answers. 🙂

Thank you so much! I’m really encouraged when I hear about other people’s success stories. (It’s confirmation bias of course!) I guess I just want to feel that I’ve done everything I can do before the next cycle starts. It’s great that it worked for you! Not long now! 🙂