Kuja: “I’ve never been so grateful for Heidegger’s vast amount of blubber.”

Originally Published: 7/10/01 . 41 pages

Synopsis The gang is headed off to Williamsburg, VA for some fun and learning! But things go bad from the start. The ride is a long one, the hotel is a dump, and Sephiroth thinks Lark is paying too much attention to Vincent. Is their vacation off to a bad start? Meanwhile, the losers are headed to Nida’s parent’s cabin for some relaxation of their own!

Well, there’s a lot going on in these next three rambles! And I really love these. So much of what happens was based on stuff that actually happened to my family. Take the lovely hotel they stay at for one thing – we stayed at a hotel in upstate NY that made us wait forever for crappy rooms that had no towels, TV’s that barely worked, and pillows and blankets you really didn’t want to touch. The pool was not nearly as disgusting as the one here, but there were a lot of sticks and leaves in it. Also, Reno going to get ice in his underwear and the one armed TV repair guy are jokes from that trip. Two more notes on that hotel – there really was a Holiday Inn across the street but they were booked solid and we couldn’t stay there instead. Also, I revisited this area of NY last year and this hotel is somehow still there. No. I did not stay there.

(we open with a snickering twilight. he enters holding a box that says: ‘battery operated motion detecting bat’)

Twilight: “Heh heh heh.”

(snickering, he puts it up right over the ramble room door and then high tails it out of there. a few minutes later rufus comes in, whistling happily. he walks under the bat, and the things goes off. rufus screams and puts his hands up)

Reeve: “Look, Tseng! I brought along all these booklets on Colonial Williamsburg that you can look at while I do these crossword puzzles! And if you have any questions, I can answer them because I’ve memorized them all.”

(and he opens it up, and pulls out the map, revealing a can labelled beer nuts)

Reno: “Hey! Get a load of this!”

Seifer: “I wanna drive!”

Ashley: “Oh shut up.”

Zell: “You’re a sucky driver, Seifer! Everyone hates how you drive.”

Seifer: “Well everyone just plain hates you, chicken wuss.”

Shell: “Rude drives fine.”

Reno: “Mmm… Beer nuts… Who wants some?”

Zell: “I do!” *snort giggle*

(reno excitedly tears it open, and out pops those snake things. reno screams, knocking into rude, who swerves, going off the road)

Everyone: *screams*

(but no terrible damage is sustained, as the car comes to a stop, everyone freezes)

Seifer: “…Okay, who still says Rude is a good driver?”

Zell: *rubs the back of his neck* “That didn’t really go as I planned.”

Noelle: “Jackass!” *hits him*

Barret: “Yo! You tell ‘im, girl!”

Cid: “#$%#%^$^&$&#$&@#!”

Shell: “Be more careful, Rude!”

Rude: “Sorry, Shell.”

Sephiroth: “……….”

Vincent: “…………”

Lark: *rubbing temples* “God, my head…”

……………………………………………………………………………………………

(meanwhile, in a really crappy station wagon somewhere nearby, we have the losers! –come on, you guys didn’t really think you were gonna get outta this without them, did ya? anyway, nida’s driving. scarlet is in the passenger seat. in the back, from left to right: hojo, heidegger and kuja. hojo does *not* look happy, and kuja is polishing his nails…scarlet is smoking out the window)

Scarlet: “Why not? Then you could change the name from the ‘crapmobile’ to the ‘cancermobile’.”

Nida: “My car is not a crapmobile!”

Hojo: “I, once again, would like to protest over these seating arrangements! Heidegger takes up most of the backseat. Kuja should sit on my lap.”

Kuja: “I have a feeling I would rather be squished.” *sigh* “Though I would *prefer* to sit up front with the *mirror*.”

Scarlet: “Ha ha.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Snacks!”

Nida: “No snacks! My car is totally clean, and you freaks are not ruining it!” *brightens* “I know! We’ll have a sing-a-long to pass time!”

Scarlet: “God kill me now…”

Nida: “I’ve got one! Ready?” *sings* “The wheels on the bus go–“

Heidegger: “Gya-haa-haa!”

Nida: “No!!! The wheels on the bus do not go ‘gya haa haa’, you idiot! You ruined my song!”

Heidegger: “The wheels on the bus go gya haa haa all the way to school! Gya haa haa! Snacks!”

Nida: “No snacks!”

Scarlet: *going through nida’s tape collection* “What the hell is all this crap? ‘How to Beat Your Rival’? ‘Get That Hot Babe Of Your Dreams’? ‘You’re The Best Guy In the World’? ‘Everyone Sucks But You’?”

Nida: “Hey! Leave my motivational tapes alone!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Snacktime!” *goes for the tapes*

Nida: *fights him off with one hand* “No!! I need those! Go play one of those games you brought.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Travel tiddly winks!”

Kuja: “I call the pink ones.”

Hojo: “Nida, Kuja and I will be sharing a bed at the cabin, right? Please say yes. Please? Please?”

Nida: “Shut up, perv! I don’t know! Shut up and play the stupid game!”

Scarlet: “Hey, you know, we never did get any new real tiddly winks after Heidegger ate the old ones.”

Kuja: *watching heidegger eat the travel ones with a yawn* “And there go the backups.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Snack replacement!”

………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, back to the others….they’ve stopped at a rest stop. rude is looking over the map. reno is leaning against the car and passing back and forth a flask with irvine. seifer and zell are playing tag while Ashley yells at seifer for being a jerk. barret and cid are trying to get red to fetch a stick while Noelle laughs. reeve and tseng are nowhere in sight. opal is eating some ice cream on a park bench and talking with shell, who’s reapplying makeup. twilight’s in the car, busy scribbling away at something. rufus is asleep. sephiroth is looking sadly out the window. lark is looking tired and is resting her head on vincent’s shoulder.)

Rude: “…We should get going again.”

(and everyone is gathered up once more, and they pile in. reeve and tseng are the last ones to arrive, and once they’re in, rude starts it up and drives off.)

(he opens up his book, and, to his horror, it’s all been filled in messily with a black crayon. the words don’t even make sense)

Reeve: “What the hell…?? What is this? ‘YXVGFTW’ is not a continent!”

Twilight: *snort laugh*

Reeve: “And ‘XWQD’ is *not* a massive wild ox of Southern Asia!”

Everyone: *blinks*

Reeve: “It’s a gaur.”

Sephiroth: *mumbles* “Get a life.”

Reeve: “Whoever did this can’t even write!”

Twilight: “Hey! I used all the letters I knew!”

Reeve: “You ruined my crossword puzzle book!”

Twilight: “And I had a damn good time doing it!”

Opal: “That wasn’t very nice, Twilight. Apologize right now.”

Twilight: *mumbles* “…..Sor….ry.”

Reno: “Hey, you guys! Only 3 1/2 more hours!”

Everyone: *groans*

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, back in the loser mobile)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I’m hungry!”

Kuja: “You already ate all the travel games.”

Heidegger: “Clue was yummy! Gya haa haa!”

Nida: “You guys are distracting! Shut up!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Kuja! Let me eat your lip gloss!”

Kuja: “Dream on. My lip gloss is worth more than you are.”

Hojo: *is playing with the stuffed animals nida had in his car* “You know, Nida, I could ‘fix’ these animals for you.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Licky licky!”

Nida: “NO! Hojo, get your hands on something else!”

Hojo: *sigh* “But I can’t *reach* Kuja.”

Kuja: “I’ve never been so grateful for Heidegger’s vast amount of blubber.”

Heidegger: “And it keeps me warm! Gya haa haa!”

Scarlet: “How much longer?”

Nida: “A few more hours.”

Scarlet: “Oh boy.” *hand to her head*

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Let’s have another sing-a-long!”

Everyone: “No!!”

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

(several hours later, everyone in the myterry machine looks pretty exhausted. reno is asleep and snoring in the front seat, sephiroth is still looking unhappily out the window, lark is still resting her head on vincent’s shoulder, her eyes half open. Ashley and seifer are sleeping on one another. Noelle and twilight are poking a sleeping zell, who twitches with each poke. opal is asleep as well. irvine’s dozed off with his hat over his face. tseng’s asleep on reeve’s shoulder. reeve is looking through his pamphlets. barret and cid are asleep too, as are red and rufus. shell is flipping through a catalog of some sort and marking pages)

Rude: “….I think we’re almost there.”

Everyone: *wakes up or comes to attention* “Really?!”

Rufus: “What’s the hotel called?”

Rude: “The HOJO.”

Everyone: “WHAT?!?!” *looks at lark*

Lark: *quickly* “I know–but it was cheap! And it looked nice!”

Sephiroth: *mumbles* “I don’t like this already…”

Rude: “There it is.”

Rufus: “Oh! That doesn’t look so bad!” *points to a really nice hotel*

Reeve: “Uh… No… Actually, that’s the Holiday Inn across the street.”

Rufus: *face falls* “Huh?”

Reeve: “*That’s* The HOJO.” *points*

(everyone stares terrified at the place that’s been pointed out. it’s a falling apart run down place that’s decorated in a ‘tiki’ motif. the pool is located right by the highway.)

(they all reluctantly get out of the van, and, speak of the devil, parked on the front lawn is a very rusty looking RV which door is falling off the hinges. the door opens, and out comes cousin maxwell)

Ashley, Lark, Shell, Zell and Seifer: “AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!”

Cousin Maxwell: “Howdy! I know ya’ll! Ya’ll stayin’ here too? It was the only place me and grandpa could afford! We’z tryin’ to get into the carnival business!”

Grandpa: *from inside the rv* “HOOEE!”

Everyone: *major sweat drops*

Ashley: *mutters* “Everyone…slowly…back…into…the lobby…”

(but they all turn around and run for their lives inside.)

Shell: “It’s the hotel from hell!”

Lark: “Would you relax? It’ll be fine! I’ll get us our rooms, and we’ll never have to see him for the rest of our trip.”

Seifer: *shaking* “I hope you’re right…”

Lark: “I’ll take care of everything.” *she goes up to the desk* “Hi. My name is Lark, and I reserved eight rooms.”

Clerk: “Ah, yes. Okay, Lark, your rooms will be ready soon.”

Lark: “…Soon?”

Clerk: “Yes. They’re not ready yet.”

Lark: “But check in is at three.”

Clerk: “Yes.”

Lark: “It’s five thirty.”

Clerk: “Yes.”

Lark: “…So shouldn’t the rooms be ready?”

Clerk: “Uh…feel free to use the pool in the meantime.”

Lark: “Where the hell are we supposed to change into bathing suits without rooms?”

Clerk: “Uh…”

Lark: “Ugh!!” *stomps back to the group*

Rufus: “Well…?”

Lark: “Uh…our rooms…aren’t ready yet.”

Everyone: “What?!”

Lark: “Look, I’m sure they’ll be ready soon. In the meantime…we can go in the pool.”

Noelle: “Where the hell are we supposed to change? In the van??”

Zell: “Yeah! Cool! I claim it first!” *runs out*

Seifer: “There is something *seriously* wrong with him.”

………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile…the losermobile pulls up to a very nice cabin in the middle of nowhere…)

Nida: *jumps out* “Here we are! My family’s cabin!”

Scarlet: *stretches* “Finally.”

(kuja and hojo get out and run as heidegger gets out)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Where’s the kitchen?”

Hojo: *running for kuja* “Kuja, my love! I can embrace you at last!”

Kuja: *sigh* “Well, I suppose it is better then rolls of fat pressing up against me.” *hojo pounces on him* “Umph!”

Nida: “Mommy! Daddy! Mindy! I’m he~re!”

(he runs inside, the others follow. the cabin is very richly decorated, and very spacious. there are pictures everywhere, but most of them are quite obviously nida’s head placed over squall’s body)

Scarlet: *picks up a picture and frowns* “This isn’t you. That name tag in the picture says ‘Squall’.”

Nida: *snatches it back and puts it down* “It was Halloween.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! A lot of these are Halloween then!”

Nida: “Shut up, Heidegger!”

(just then, three people enter the room. one is a woman dressed donna reed style. the other is a man with a sweater and a pipe, and the last is a young teenage girl, standing with her arms crossed)

Nida’s Mother: “Oh! Nida, my darling! You’re home!”

Nida: “Mommy!” *hugs her*

Nida’s Father: “Welcome home, son. How is your Garden driving going?”

Nida: “Great, dad! Headmaster Cid said I was the best Garden driver they ever had! Better than Squall!”

Nida’s Mother: “That Squall boy is a little strange.”

Nida’s Father: “And his father is a freak!”

Scarlet: *mutters to herself* “Squall never even *drove* the Garden…”

Nida: “Well anyway, I’m so glad to be here! Mom, dad, meet my…” *glances back at them* “…People. This is Hojo, Kuja, Heidegger and Scarlet. You guys, these are my parents, and my little sister Mindy.”

Mindy: *punches nida in the arm* “Hi, Nida!”

Nida: “Ow! My piloting arm!” *rubs it*

Nida’s Mom: “Oh! We’re so glad to have you in our home! Please make yourselves comfortable.”

Nida: “Well, we only have two guest rooms, but I worked out a solution to please everyone, I think.” *he stops in front of the first door* “This will be Kuja and Hojo’s room.”

Kuja: “Hmph.” *he goes inside* “There’s only one bed in here.”

Hojo: *pats nida thankfully on the shoulder* “I promise to never experiment on you without asking ever again.”

Kuja: “Are those handcuffs?!?”

Hojo: *grins and follows him in, shutting the door*

Nida: “Next, is Heidegger’s room.”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I get my own room!”

Scarlet: “That’s because no one wants to share with you, because you’re a freak, jackass!”

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! I smell skunk!” *goes into his room*

Scarlet: “And where does that leave me, Nida? On your couch?”

Nida: “Nope! I have bunk beds in my room! You can stay with me!”

Scarlet: *hits herself in the forehead* “Oh great.”

Nida: *grabs her hand and starts to drag her towards his room* “My room is so cool! Wait till you see my Transformer collection!”

Scarlet: “…Just show me a place where I can lay out my medications.”

………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, back at The HOJO, rufus is standing impatiently next to the van, arms crossed. a few others are standing by the pool, looking into it cautiously. only zell is grinning. there is also a line behind rufus)

Rufus: “Reeve and Tseng, you guys had better be CHANGING and not doing anything *weird* in our *van*!” *knocks on the door* “Come *o~n*! I want to put my bathing suit on!!” *sighs and whines* “Hurry u~p!”

(reeve and tseng emerge, glaring at rufus)

Tseng: “We were in there for *two* minutes.”

Rufus: “Sure you were.” *pushes past them and gets in*

(meanwhile, at the pool… the pool looks like it hasn’t been tended to in a *long* while… there’s all kinds of stuff floating in it, and it’s kinda green…)

Zell: “Cool! A swamp pool!”

Seifer: “There’s no such thing as a swamp pool, you jackass! That’s a pool pool!”

Shell: “Ew! It’s gross, Rude! Clean it!”

Rude: “I’m on vacation, Shell.”

Shell: “Not from me, Rude!”

Rude: “Yes, Shell.”

Ashley: “I wouldn’t go in there if you paid me.”

Noelle: “I wouldn’t go in there if I was *dead*.”

Irvine: “I’ve seen cleaner lookin’ puddles back on the ranch.”

Barret: “Yo! Ain’t no one in there right mind gonna go in there!”

(just then…someone comes running excitedly towards the pool, and does a cannonball jump right into it)

Reno: “I have a feeling I’m going to have to get good and drunk tonight.”

………………………………………………………………………………………..

(back at nida’s cabin in the meanwhile, mindy is sitting in front of the tv, watching pokemon. hojo is sitting nearby, watching as well. kuja can be overheard singing in the bathroom. nida, scarlet and heidegger are nowhere to be found)

Mindy: “I love this show.”

Hojo: “I can make my own Pokemon.”

Mindy: “You cannot! Liar!!”

Hojo: “I can too!” *mumbles* “I wish I could make my own Ash.”

Mindy: “You’re a big, stupid, weird liar!”

Hojo: “Big and weird I may be, but stupid I am not!” *glares*

Mindy: *glares back*

Kuja: *comes in fluffing his hair* “I look so lovely in that mirror.”

Hojo: “You look lovely constantly, my pet.”

Kuja: “I know.” *fluffs hair*

Mindy: *blinks* “Isn’t he a man?”

Hojo: *blinks* “….You can tell?”

Kuja: “Damn. Maybe I need more makeup.”

Mindy: *eyes brighten* “You guys like yaoi?”

Hojo and Kuja: *exchange a look and say slowly* “….Perhaps….”

Mindy: *jumps up* “I love yaoi! I have like a million doujinshi’s! Come see!!”

(she dashes out, dragging a stunned hojo and a perplexed kuja with her. meanwhile, in his room, heidegger is looking around)

Heidegger: “Gya haa haa! Spacious!”

??????: *snort*

Heidegger: *cocks head to one side* “Gya?”

(he looks behind the bed where the sound came from, and to his surprise, a small skunk pops out)

Lark: *blinks* “Uh… You’re welcome, Rufus.” *blushes* “Now, we have to get everyone in rooms. Okay, they only allow three adults per room here, for some stupid reason, so we’re going to have to have *3* rooms of three people.”

Everyone: “Three?”

Lark: “So, here’s the deal. One room for Me and Seph, Ashley and Seifer, Shell and Rude, Twilight and Opal, Reeve and Tseng, and Barret, Cid and Red. Now, Noelle…you get to pick what guy you wanna room with.”

(reno, irvine, rufus and zell all smile hopefully smile at her. there’s no change in vincent)

Noelle: “That’s easy! Irvine!”

Irvine: “All right!”

Reno: *face falls in disappointment*

Lark: “Okay, so… One of you will have to room with someone else.”

Rufus: “I REFUSE to room with Reno. REFUSE!”

Reno: “Aw, come on, Rufus. I won’t bother you.”

Rufus: “NO! Lark, put me in your room.”

Sephiroth: *glares*

Lark: “Uh… I don’t know…”

Sephiroth: “No way.”

Rufus: “Why not?”

Sephiroth: “Why do you think??”

Lark: “Uh–you know what? I think the only way to be fair is that Rufus will write down a number, and all of us with two person rooms will guess, and whoever gets closest gets Rufus.”

Tseng: “Oh, great.”

Rude: “….I don’t like it.”

Lark: “Look! I want to rest before *tomorrow*! So everyone shut up, Rufus write down a freakin’ number, and NO MORE COMPLAINING!”

Everyone: *blinks* “Uh… Okay, Lark.”

(rufus writes down a number and hands it to lark)

Lark: “Okay, Seph, from 1-50. Guess.”

Sephiroth: “…….50.”

Shell: “Damn. Fine…um….1.”

Noelle: “Sh*t. Um…10.”

Ashley: “….40.”

Opal: “…35.”

Tseng: “3.”

Rufus: “Damn!”

Lark: “You guessed it exactly, Tseng.”

Tseng: “WHAT?!?!”

Rufus: “NO!!! Anyone but them!!”

Lark: “Look, it was agreed! No more complaining. It’s only for a couple of days. You guys can make it.”

Tseng and Rufus: “No we can’t.”

Sephiroth: “Just shut up and get to your rooms.” *walks off mumbling* “I’ve had enough of this.”

(so everyone happily, or not so happily, goes off to their rooms… first, shell and rude go into theirs…)

Shell: “Finally we get to our–“

(and she stops dead. the room is really gross. the ceiling looks like it’s falling in, and blankets on the bed are all falling apart and gross, and the tv looks like it’s from 1960.)

Shell: *horrified* “Ew!!! Rude! This is gross!”

Rude: “….Don’t touch the blankets, Shell.”

(meanwhile, the room Ashley and seifer are sharing is in the same shape)

Ashley: “What the hell?! What kind of dump is this place?! The ceiling looks like it’s gonna collapse!”

Seifer: *tries the tv but it just comes up all snow* “And the tv doesn’t work!!”

Ashley: “Lark really did it this time!”

(Noelle and irvine’s room is in no better shape)

Noelle: “Ew! This is the most disgusting hotel I’ve ever seen in my life!”

Reno: “Well this is just great.” *takes a swig from the flask* “Okay, well since I’m the only straight guy here–“

Zell: “Hey!”

Reno: “–I should get the bed. But since it looks gross, you two can have it.”

Zell: “All right! This vacation is gonna rock!”

Vincent: *sigh*

(meanwhile, tseng, reeve and rufus enter their crappy room. all of them are too dismayed to even care what it looks like…)

Tseng: *mumbles* “Well there goes *my* vacation.”

Rufus: “This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me! I would have rather gotten stuck with Twilight then you two sickening yaoi freaks! This has become the vacation from hell!” *hand to his head* “Oh man… What have I done to deserve this?”

Tseng: “The better question is what have *we* done to deserve this.”

Rufus: “Plenty!”

Tseng: “Oh, and you haven’t, Mr. evil?!” *gets in rufus’ face*

Rufus: *running away* “Eep!! Don’t kiss me!”

Tseng: “Ugh! Don’t flatter yourself!”

Reeve: *sigh* “Tseng… Rufus… Please. We’re stuck together, so we might as well try not to kill one another.”

Rufus: “I would have rather been with RENO then you two.” *hits himself in the forehead* “This is awful.”

Reeve: *puts his bag on the bed* “Well, I guess–“

Rufus: “I don’t think so!” *strides over and puts reeve’s bag on the floor* “You two are *not* sleeping in the bed. You’re sleeping on the floor–no-on SEPARATE SIDES of the floor. And no touching.” *shudders* “Someone up there hates me…” *stomps over to his own bag*

Sephiroth: “…Maybe it would be possible to get us new rooms at another hotel.”

Lark: “Here’s for hoping.”

………………………………………………………………………………………..

(meanwhile, back at the cabin…mindy, hojo and kuja are sitting around in the living room. the guys are reading yaoi doujinshi’s. mindy quietly observes kuja)

Mindy: “How old are you?”

Kuja: “How old do I look?”

Mindy: “Um…like 20.”

Kuja: “Very good.” *smile*

Mindy: “What’s your dragon’s name?”

Kuja: *blinks* “Who told you I had a dragon?”

Mindy: “Nida.”

Kuja: “…That name is top secret.”

Hojo: “You told me!”

Kuja: *rolls eyes* “I would have told you anything to get you off me.”

(then nida and scarlet come out. nida’s trying to excitedly talk to scarlet, but she couldn’t be less interested.)

Nida: “–And then I said to Headmaster Cid, I said, ‘What do you think of Squall? Do you think he’s *really* right for this job?’ and he said, *no*, that *I* was much smarter and better and more handsome then Squall ever could be.” *smiles* “And that’s why Headmaster Cid likes me better.”

Scarlet: *rolls eyes* “Yeah, shut up.”

Nida: “We all hate Squall. Squall sucks.”

Mindy: “You love Squall, Nida. You wanna marry him and be his wife so you can adopt a million children together.” *giggles*

(meanwhile, back at the crap hotel…shell and rude are trying to settle down for the night…shell is lying in bed, trying not to touch the sheet while still managing to stay under it. the ratty brown blanket has been pushed to the end of the bed. rude is climbing in)

Shell: “Don’t touch the blanket, Rude! I think they last washed it during the Roosevelt Administration.”

Rude: “Which one, Shell?”

Shell: “The first one, Rude. The first one.”

(meanwhile, next door…seifer is fooling with the tv while Ashley lays in bed, watching)

Seifer: *beating the tv with his shoe* “Dammit!! Work, damn you piece of crap!”

(seifer gets really pale, and he backs slowly toward the door and runs out. he nearly trips over bessie on the way, and when he catches sight of that he starts screaming and running back for the room. he goes in and slams the door behind it, leaning against it and panting)

Ashley: “What the hell!? What, was the tv repair guy the Ebola virus?”

Seifer: “Worse! One of Cousin Maxwell’s relatives with one arm!”

Ashley: “You know what? Now that I think about it… Watching this eye twitching snow on the tv is kinda relaxing. And it makes that lovely grating noise that’s just so consistent. It’ll put me right to sleep.” *twitch*

(meanwhile, in the next room, Noelle is finishing up unpacking. there is the sound of a shower being shut off)

Irvine’s voice: *from the bathroom singing* “Home, home on the range! Where the deer and the antelope play! Where seldom is heard, a discouraging word. And the–” *yells* “Hey! Where are the towels?”

Noelle: *shuts the drawer* “Towels? There are none in there?”

Irvine: “No!”

Noelle: “What the hell…?!”

Irvine: “Are there any out there?”

Noelle: “No! That’s the *bathroom*! They should be in there!”

Irvine: “Well there aren’t—wait! I found one!” *pause* “It’s just a hand towel!”

Noelle: “Well, just come get your clothes.”

(a few seconds go by before an embarrassed irvine comes out, holding the hand towel over….himself.)

Irvine: “This can’t go on.”

Noelle: “Oh I don’t know about that…”

Irvine: *gives her a look* “What about when *you* have to take a shower?”

Noelle: *sweat drops* “Uh…yeah. You’re right. This can’t go on.”

(meanwhile, in twilight and opal’s room, they’re trying to sleep…without any pillows)

Twilight: “Opal! My neck hurts! How am I supposed to sleep like this?”

Opal: “Deal with it, Twilight.” *sigh* “Only two more nights…”

(meanwhile, in red, barret and cid’s room…red is lying on the bed. cid and barret have taken blankets and pillows to the floor)

Barret: “Yo! This floor’s more uncomfortable than that Shinra prison!”

Cid: “#%#$&%$#&#$#*#*@&%%^!”

Barret: “Yo! Damn right, Cid! Let’s do somethin’ ta pass da time!”

Red: “…Please make it not involve me.”

Barret: “Yo! I got just da thing!”

(he reaches into his bag and takes out a board game staring ‘The “A” Team’ –i have no idea if there really is one)

Barret: “Yo! I claim Mr. T! He be my idol, yo!”

Red: “…There’s a surprise…”

(meanwhile, in reno, vincent and zells’ room…vincent is sitting on the bed, hanging his head while zell bounces on it happily. reno is in his boxers, lugging over a very heavy suitcase and dumping it on the bed)

Reno: *shrugs and starts taking some of the booze out* “Well Sephiroth hates him now for some reason or another. Wouldn’t you be all depressed too if the one you loved hated your guts?” *sigh* “….I know how he feels.”

Zell: *blinks* “Wow… It must totally suck for you… I mean, Noelle picked your best friend over you!”

Reno: “Yeah, well–” *slams down a bottle on the nightstand* “This needs ice.”

(he grabs the ice bucket, and heads for the door)

Zell: “But, Reno, you’re only in your–“

(reno leaves, slamming the door shut behind him)

Zell: “–Underwear.”

(meanwhile, in reeve, tseng and rufus’ room…reeve is sitting on the bed, reading some intelligent looking thing, and rufus and tseng are glaring at each other.)

Tseng: “Don’t you want to take a shower or something?”

Rufus: “No. There are no towels. And I’m not leaving you two alone.”

Tseng: “Do you *want* me to die?”

Rufus: “That would be nice.”

Tseng: “Well maybe we’ll go take a shower–“

Rufus: “EW! No! Water only in there please. No other liquids.”

Reeve: *looks up* “Huh?”

Tseng: “What about shampoo?”

Rufus: “That’s not a liquid!”

Tseng: “It is too!”

Rufus: “Is not!”

Tseng: “Reeve! Is shampoo a liquid?”

Reeve: *getting up* “Let’s just…go to bed. We have a long day of revolutionary fun tomorrow!”

Rufus: *grumbles and grabs his teddy bear* “What do you see in him?”

Tseng: “I love him, and at least I have more to sleep with then a teddy bear!”

Rufus: “You leave Mr. Jingles out of this! And ew! Not tonight you don’t!” *he climbs into bed* “No you get on the right side, Reeve, you’re on the left, and if EITHER of you get up in the middle of the night, I WILL KNOW!”

(she steps outside with vincent, leaving sephiroth alone. for a few minutes, he sits alone, not really moving except to glance at the window where a flimsy curtain is drawn across. finally he gets up and goes over, peeking out. he sees lark and vincent laughing, standing very close together. she touches him on the arm)

Sephiroth: *frowns and mutters* “Oh really, Lark? Is he the one being left out?”

This is it. Seriously.

These are my rambles. I don't write them anymore. They were insane and crazy fun to write, but they are over.
However.
I can't seem to take them off the internet. So here they rest, for the long foreseeable future, for anyone who still might get a chuckle out of them.

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