So i thought after deciding not to call her it would be in my best interest to get my sister to screen my calls.

This she duly did.

Nobody could contact me except via my sister.

It was a fool proof plan.

Unfortunately i am a better standard of fool than most.

On Wednesday night i

- came home from work

- put dinner in the oven

- was watching TV

- got up to check my food

- came back through to the living room

- was still standing 'cause my dinner was almost ready

- picked up the phone automatically when it started ringing because i was right beside it and i had my mind on other things (dinner and the show i was watching).

"Hello is Peter there?" says a female voice with a strong Glasweigan accent.

(Now this should have been a clear warning single. None of my friends call me Peter and nobody else phones me.)

"Yes. Speaking" says i.

"Hi Peter it's Liz here. I just wondered why you hadn't phoned me after saying you would after the cinema last Saturday."

(My sister, who was sitting a couple of feet away, informs me that at this point my jaw dropped and i went very white.)

"Ehhhhhh, uhhhhhhmmmmmm. Last Saturday?" says i

(The date had been the previous Saturday to that but i decided not to press it cause Liz sounded pissed as it was. I did however start mouthing the word "f*ck" alot.)

"Yeah last Saturday"

"Well uhhhh ahhhh" i began my defence brilliantly "I decided, errrr, that i thought you weren't THAT interested in me and, ehhhhh, that it would probably be, ehhhh, best if we, uhhhhhh, didn't, you know, see each other again and ,ummmmm, as such, ahhhhhh, a clean break would probably beforthebest."

God i felt weak with fear. This was such a ****ing nightmare.

Now i can't remember exactly what Liz said next but i relised that her accent had changed slightly.

Liz now sounded more like my "friend" Kelly.

Infact i realised IT WAS ****ING KELLY.

I have such great friends.

__________________
On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

Only because knowing me makes them cool because i'm their friend and i'm a trendy type of dude whereas they are just a bunch of ****s so me hanging around with them demeans me but it makes them better so they are smarter on the making friends front or something i dont know exactly how this works out but in the end it means that i'm still the coolest.

__________________
On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

__________________Efficiency, efficiency they say
Get to know the date and tell the time of day
As the crowds begin complaining
How the Beaujolais is raining
Down on darkened meetings on the Champs Élysées