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I’m in love with Nicole, and that’s why this is so hard for me. We’re not breaking up or anything like that, we just can’t talk as much and I honestly think I need to stop trying to talk to her while she’s away at camp.

You’d think it would be the other way around right? That I should try to talk to her as much as possible. So would I normally, but it isn’t working at all. I just come across as needy and like I’m trying to force conversations with her and I hate it. We’re not talking at all. She said she doesn’t have a lot of time and I get that. It just sucks.

I’m thinking maybe I just shouldn’t talk to her as much. Just give her space and talk when we can actually talk about things. Not these empty conversations that just make me angry. I hate that. I really do, but I don’t have a choice. At least I don’t think we do. I wish I had someone to talk to about this, but I don’t. So I’ll just do what I feel and hope for the best.

I’m going to King’s Island and Cedar Point this week with friends and family, so hopefully that’ll take my mind off of this.

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I usually don’t post about stuff like this because I think it’s not appropriate, but bear with me because this is bothering me.

I really love making love. It’s the best feeling in the world. I wish I could every day if I’m being completely honest, and I know I’m not the only one that feels that way.

I can’t just be with any girl though. A lot of my friends can, but I have to be in love with whoever I’m with, at the very least deeply care for them. I feel like that’s weird for a dude to say, most of my friends or cousins wouldn’t say that, but that’s me and that’s how I feel.

I’m in love with Nicole, and she’s the only person I want to be with. Hopefully she’ll be the last person I’m ever with. She’s not here right now though, and it’s been slowly eating at me because we can’t do anything for very long periods of time.

I can wait, I have before and that’s not an issue, but before I could just deal with it and not think about it. However, now its actually really starting to bother me. I’m never going to do anything with anyone else, but I feel wrong sometimes even though I know it’s natural.

I’ll be good. I just figured talking about it will help me work through it.

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My family from Georgia came up to Cleveland this weekend so we could all get together and have a good time in some nice weather. They usually only come in the Spring or Summer because they can’t stand the cold, and honestly I don’t blame them at all.

I love when my family gets together. It’s good seeing how everyone changed, how/what they’re doing and just being around the people you love. We had this huge cookout yesterday at my Aunt Vickie’s house and it was good to see everyone.

That was just the beginning of what turned out to be a great night. My cousin Torrelle and I were planning to go to an All Black Party with some of our cousins, we went to the mall to get outfits and everything, but we decided to go to two different parties instead. The all black party wasn’t really our scene and I’m glad we didn’t go.

We stopped at one of T’s friends places and played a game of beer pong. We got down to the last cup but we couldn’t close the game out, that became a theme throughout the night unfortunately…

One thing that really bothered me was that this girl and her boyfriend were at the party with us along with a group of people T knows, and she was letting other guys grab her boobs and stuff while he was there. That would have never gone down if it were me and I could never be with someone that would flat out disrespect me right in front of my face.

After that we went to T’s friend Corbin’s house. I had a great time. I had my own bottle of Crown Royal Apple and it quickly became my favorite drink. It has a great taste and is really smooth. I didn’t drink a lot of it, I enjoyed it though. We all played beer pong until and did silly things, like jump from the top of a garage into a pool, until about 5 in the morning. I had such a great time.

That wasn’t even the best part though! Today we got up at 9 this morning and played flag football. I got a sack! We lost the game 2-0 in overtime but I still had a great time.

All in all, it’s been a really great weekend.

Before we went to the family function. 😂

This was hilarious. 😂

Going to Dave & Busters. We’re silly if you haven’t guessed by now.

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I haven’t posted in months, and I apologize. I stepped away from my blog for a bit because I wanted to focus on other things that were going on. When I write, it’s very time consuming and I like to write a lot and be as honest as possible. I’m not going to write anything if my heart isn’t in it. I’d be doing myself a disservice and a disservice to anyone who takes the time out of there day to read my blog, if anyone does at all. I’m back now though, because I have a need to get some feelings out and just write in general. I miss it. It’s my escape.

I looked back at some posts about my relationship with Nicole, and I realized how terrified I really was. I also realized how badly I handled certain things. I can honestly say that I’ve grown from that place.

I don’t worry about us as much anymore. Every once in awhile I do, but that’s natural with someone you love and care deeply for. I don’t freak out though, I just let things happen how they’re supposed to happen.

I’m very deeply in love with Nicole. I want us to be together forever, that hasn’t changed at all, but the thought of it not happening isn’t killing me mentally anymore. The distance still sucks a lot, but it’s not draining the life out of me anymore. I have to just trust her and hope we can do what we’ve planned on doing from the beginning.

I don’t have time to worry and I’m not going to doubt her. I’m just going to be the best I can be for her, show her I’m in love with her, and I hope to God that’s enough for us to always be together.

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We talked last night, and that’s good. I don’t like us not talking but we’re fighting a lot. We’re arguing a lot and we don’t normally do that. It’s stressing me out and I feel like I should have just left certain things alone, but I can’t do that. I couldn’t. Certain things piss me off and hurt me, like when she shuts me out or when she says “You don’t know if you’ll always love me.” and things like that. So I have to tell her. I have to express that. What she does with it or how she takes it, that’s up to her. I sent her a long text last night but it wasn’t angry, when she does that it just confuses and hurts me. There was a lot of love in that text too, but she probably won’t see that. She’ll probably just see the negative in it.

Am I the only one that thinks that’s weird though? Am I the only one that thinks it’s a problem she feels like that? I don’t know how to change that. I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong or not. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what she wants from me. I don’t know if she even wants to be with me right now. She said she wants me to be happy, but she makes me happy! When she’s herself and the person I know she makes me the happiest person in the world. Not when she’s shutting down and upset. When she doesn’t talk to me, that’s playing a game to me. If you care about someone and you really love someone, you make sure you talk things out, and if you don’t feel like talking you say that. You don’t say nothing. Things don’t blow over when you say nothing, they get worse. Silence says a lot about how you feel about a relationship. It says you don’t care what happens or you just want it to be over. If that’s what she wants she needs to say that.

I hurt her, I thought it was because of the snapchat video, but it was because of the drinking. I told her I can stop if it’s making her upset and hurting her. That’s not a problem at all. Then she said that would make her uncomfortable for me to give up drinking for her, but that doesn’t make sense to me. It’s just alcohol. It’s literally poison. Why would I put drinking alcohol over you when I love you? That makes no sense. I don’t want us breaking up or anything but I really don’t know what to do. Maybe if we did that would make her happier than being with me. Maybe she’s got someone else and that’s why she’s not talking to me. I don’t know. We’ll see what happens.

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Nicole isn’t talking to me. She’s really mad at me about what happened last weekend. I posted a video on snapchat of girls dancing and she saw it. She saw it and said she wanted to take a break. My initial thought was, “It was a video and I didn’t even do anything.” Everyone I talked to about it said it could have been 100x worse. I was really drunk too but that’s not an excuse. Now…I understand why she’s hurt. I do, if it was the other way around I’d probably want to scream at her and I would be really, really angry.

I don’t like this though. Not talking makes everything worse. The message it sends is that she doesn’t care. So when things get hard, she’s going to walk away. She’s not going to try to fix it, she’s going to leave. That’s not the type of person I thought she was. Not talking is the reason I’ve been partying in the first place. I can deal with a lot. I can deal with distance, and fighting and stay faithful. I never lie. I never cheat and never will. I would never leave. That stuff isn’t hard for me. I love Nicole.

There’s things that drive me crazy though. I can’t deal with not communicating especially when there’s distance, that’s a death sentence for any long distance relationship. When she shuts down its hard on me. Right now it’s really hard on me. I can’t deal with feeling like she thinks that I’m not going to stay true to my word. Like when she says, “You can’t promise me that you’ll never leave.” or “You don’t know that.” Why can’t I? Why would I say that if I didn’t mean it or wasn’t going to follow through? The day before I went out this weekend we were talking and it was great, until she said “Well I can still hurt you…you’re just gonna have trust me.” Like who says that? What am I supposed to think when I read that and you’re almost 600 miles away from me? All I thought about is when she was texting that guy when we first started dating. I never felt worse, and I acted out when I got to school. I would drink and party because sitting and thinking about it was eating me alive. Things like that are hard to shake, but I did it.

This sucks and I want us to talk about it. I want to get everything out so we can be good again. We were perfect just a little while ago. A snapchat video isn’t worth losing everything over. Especially when we say, “I’ll always love you.” and “I look forward to having kids with you.” I would never hurt her intentionally. I don’t try to hurt her. It happens but I never try to. I don’t think she would hurt me to get back at me because she’s hurt, but I don’t know. I really don’t.

It hurts me a lot when this happens, but this is part of distance. Things are going to happen and you can’t run away. You have to keep going. I don’t know what she’s thinking. I want to know what’s going on with her. I just want to fix it so this stops happeneing.

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Last night I was at my weekly Man of Action Group, it’s for all the male leaders in Cru, and we talked about surface sins and heart idols. Surface sins being the sins we commit everyday, such as lying or hurting others, and heart idols being the reason why we commit these sins. There were about 8 heart idols we talked about, but the one that stood out to me is control because I struggle with it every single day.

I’m not controlling, but there are certain situations where I feel like I need to have control of things I have absolutely no control over. I do it because, I don’t want bad things to happen and I don’t want to be hurt. So I’ll worry and I’ll get down on myself, because things may not go how I want them too.

We talked about it, and I realized there’s absolutely nothing I can do about the things I can’t control and that it’s completely up to God. As much as that might scare me, or anyone like me, it’s the truth. God knows what he is doing and he knows what’s best for me. If I can’t trust anyone else, I can trust him. So last night was the last time I will worry or get scared or doubt anything that is not in my control. I will leave those things up to him.