American Worms Capitulate Before North Korea

Pyongyang
A protracted nuclear standoff has ended, with our blessed Fatherland as the clear victor over the bourgeois United States. Our great Leader, Kim Jong Il, who first attempted diplomacy with the aging Western dragon, had to resort to a show of force to prevent global catastrophe. The United States has acknowledged North Korean supremacy, laid down its arms, and will no longer vie for influence in Asia. North Korea is long last the world's only super power.

It became clear that our arsenal of nuclear weapons was not enough to deter aggression from the Americans, and our mighty military was forced to an alternative strategy: appeal to the might and wisdom of our Eternal President, Kim Jong Il. After Fearless Leader used his homemade weather-control machine to send Hurricane Katrina to flatten that vortex of sin and delicious alligator treats known as Big Easy, Louisiana, the United States' craven leadership was forced to unconditionally surrender.

Our beneficent Teacher has demanded the following items to be shipped monthly as a sign of tribute from our new American satrapy: emergency food rations, heating oil, medical supplies, the last season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (VHS format, if possible), and supplies of Elvis Bacon's bouffant maintenance kits. Rations will later be distributed to those who need them most (the Party faithful).

Fearless Leader constructed his awesome weather-control device from plans included in a stolen copy of Ready Made magazine. Using spare parts from his Betamax machine, and the powerful engine of North Korea's own Li'l Kim-brand lawn mower, our glorious First Comrade has brought the West to its arthritic, flabby knees. The President General's next target is Japan, from whom he will ruthlessly extract a lifetime supply of wasabi pea snacks with the threat of tsunami.

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