Ronaldo lured to Hull City - Tevez kidnapped by greedy agents; sold into slavery.

New boys to the premiership and big time Charlies Hull City are sensationally believed to have literally captured two of footballs greatest talents from their title rivals Manchester united.

It has now become clear that Cristiano Ronaldo was lured to to the fair city of Ull upon Umber for contract talks, by a trail of freshly caught Atlantic sardines which were strategically placed along the M62 motorway. The trail inevitably led to the place he may soon be calling home, a pikey camp close by the Casey Jones stadium no more than a rod's cast from the city's world class tourist attraction 'The Deep', which is believed to have some colourful fish in it.

Ronaldo is believed to be visiting these colourful fish as well as the Bob Carver fish and chip restaurant before moving on to Hull's premier gay nightclub, Fuel, to dance the night away and play keepy-up as he ponders his future.

Meanwhile it is understood Tevez was spotted being dragged from the back of a vehicle bound by Sheffield United scarves which were tightly tied round his legs and neck. Tied to the back of another on a board and then driven to the fair city where his agents Mr Gary Shearer and Mr Alan Lineker, sold him into slavery to the tigers through a lease lend-agreement with his third party owners Smith Kline Beecham.

It is thought Mr Tevez will be invited to start painting the predominantly blue,white and yellow stadium straight away and but will have to wait to play football until Lord Windass of Ilkley is a bit tired and needs a rest.

"You get fined and lose six million if you do, you lose all your games and go down if you don't" said Mr Lineker.

A deal has been cobbled together based loosely on these terms and Tevez has signed nothing and according to sources close to the slave trade say he will be paid nothing for his efforts towards painting the Casey Jones stadium the right colour. Tevez who, like Ryan Giggs, can neither read or write is thought likely by many pundits to finish his career at Ipswich or Norwich was Quoted as saying "who's that Wilberforce bloke on the statue, what did he ever do?"

Sir Alex Ferguson long time manager of Manchester United was less than impressed by underhand Hull's slippery negotiating tactics,speaking of the the Ronaldo incident he described the laying of a trail of fish as tantamount to tapping up, the sort of thing that Manchester United could never agree with,endorse or be involved with in any David Bentley or Dean Windass way. He declined to comment on Mr Lineker's involvement in Hull's capture of Tevez but agreed when pressed that agent shearer was known to be very very greedy would do almost anything for small amounts of money.

Local opinion was massively in favour of this daring raid on what was once Manchester's biggest football club, when informed of the Tevez capture entrepreneur and ball bearing king Johnny Oxblood said " I sell ball bearings and I'm massively in favour of this"

Flamboyant Hull chairman Paul Duffbudgie when asked to comment on the Manchester United stories said "five million quid for Frazer Campbell? pull the other one I can get the whole Bolton Wandrers first team squad for that, and they keep you up, they send you to sleep at matches and keep you up at nights."

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