KIRKUS REVIEW

Bailey recounts his long journey from self-hatred to
self-love in this debut memoir.

The author was born to a teenage mother on the South Side
of Chicago, and he says that he was abandoned by his father after his mom
refused to marry. The author internalized a perceived lack of love, he says, as
he was raised by a selfish Baptist-preacher grandfather and a tough single
mother. He writes that he was taught to blame himself for other people’s
actions against him, and so he never reported the molestation that he suffered
at the hands of a babysitter when he was 8. He says that his abuser told him: “If
your mom finds out, she’ll kill you.” This emotional baggage, along with low
self-esteem stemming from being overweight, created more complications for Bailey.
He pursued women from a young age while simultaneously feeling like he was
never good enough to be with them: “To say that I had lots of experience with
unconditional love, somebody who was always there for me, somebody I could love
and who loved me in return, would be a lie,” he writes. As he pursued a career
as a Protestant minister and repeatedly attempted to find real love, he was
forced to confront his fraught relationships with institutions, women, grief,
God, and—most critically—himself. Bailey writes in a conversational style that
doesn’t shy away from sentimentality: “I was awestruck, enticed, and later
satiated and ravaged. I wanted her, she knew it, and it happened again and
again.” His account of his journey is thoughtful and frequently compelling,
although his chronological approach is perhaps too inclusive. At one point, for
example, he tells of playing Ping-Pong with Cornel West in the student center
of Howard University, which sounds fun but doesn’t have much to do with the rest
of the story. The religious content is rather light, and Bailey’s struggles
with his weight and its bearing on his treatment of women are very common and
under-discussed issues among men. As a result, some readers may find
inspiration to take a hard look at themselves.

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