Why Children Scream and Parents Lose the Plot

We all had grand plans and lofty ideals when our babies were born. Many of us were determined to do things differently from our own parents. If we were smacked as children, we promise to be gentle with our little ones no matter what; if we grew up feeling unheard or misunderstood we swear we will listen and explain. Above all we are certain we will always be patient and loving and never lose our temper with our precious child.

And in this fantasy the child is perfect anyway. We may allow ourselves to imagine the occasional little toddler tantrum or slightly uncooperative bedtime but at no stage do we visualise ourselves with our faces going purple, voice harsh and angry, screaming at a child whose behaviour has driven us to the edge of reason.

Yet many parents who really want to parent skilfully and to raise well-adjusted offspring, find themselves doing things they know are not working.

If we look more closely at temper outbursts we can observe that the feelings and behaviour of parent and child are not entirely different.

What is going on within a human being during a temper outburst?

When we are relaxed and content we experience this emotionally and physically. Heartbeat and breathing are fairly slow, skin is comfortably dry and the stomach is settled. When we experience a need (to get something to eat, to have a hug, to make a phone call) our body responds by increasing its activity to allow us to take action to satisfy that need. If it's not possible to satisfy the need, our body will increase its activity level making us feel uncomfortable. On an emotional level we experience a range of distressing emotions from mild frustration to sadness or anger.

We experience this change within us when our needs are not met or when we feel threatened in any way. Most of us are physically safe in our daily lives but the body cannot tell the difference between a physical and an emotional threat. This means we react to harsh words, being ignored or criticism as if they were real (i.e. physical threats). As social beings our survival depends on belonging within our ‘herd’ and any sign that they could be excluded can feel very threatening to a small child. Adults who experienced serious rejection within their own family remain highly sensitive to criticism or rejection throughout their lives and may find it difficult to get the balance right with their own children.

When we experience this heightened physical and emotional arousal our natural instinct is to relieve the unpleasant sensations through action. Animals will run, attack or fawn to avoid being harmed. Adults are generally able to control the urge to run away or attack and will try to find other ways of satisfying their need. Adults also have an understanding of time, which allows them to wait until a later time to get what they want. If, however the need is very strong or the threat is persistent, most of us will crack eventually and lose some control of our behaviour.

A mother who is tired, broke, dying for a cup of tea or a nice hot bath, a mother who has explained to her three year old over and over again that he has to keep his seat belt fastened so she won’t be late for picking up her six year old from school, will be experiencing intense emotional and physiological stress. The human frame can only endure a certain level of stress before it seeks relief. Shouting, screaming, banging objects around, driving too fast and physical aggression all allow the body to process the stress hormones that are flooding the system. When the body has processed the stress hormones, other hormones flow in causing sadness and relaxation. Of course if we have caused emotional or physical hurt to our child or embarrassment to ourselves we will also feel guilty and full of regret.

Sometimes we cannot accept responsibility for these painful emotions and may blame the child for ‘pushing us too far’. There is no doubt that being a parent is extremely demanding. Children, unlike most adults, do not back down when they see another person becoming stressed. They are totally focussed on their own needs and will keep on pushing you until they get what they want or until their stress hormones have been worked out of their system.

Most experts explain that children keep on demanding because we have given in to them on previous occasions. This is true but it is only part of the picture. Children keep on pushing because, like us, they experience heightened arousal when they don’t get what they want/need and this arousal feels uncomfortable. As we continue to tell them they can’t have something (or must do something) their stress hormones increase and they quite quickly act out physically to relieve that stress. What looks like a calculated attempt to force you to give in is actually a loss of control caused by intolerable stress. Of course if you habitually respond to bad behaviour by giving in, behaviour which started as pure loss of control, will become a reliable method for the child to get what she wants.

We can generally manage our emotional state better than children. Some of us are simply keeping the lid on chronic stress. This explains why we may be very patient nearly all the time but then lose out temper over something very small or be very tolerant at work and with our children and react very unreasonably to our partner.

So, should we give in to children all the time in order to avoid stressing them? Absolutely not – it is only by experiencing low-level frustration at fairly frequent intervals that children learn to manage their emotions and their self-expression.

The first thing we need to do is to learn how to relax ourselves. I remember feeling very frustrated with one of my children when she was three years old. She seemed to defy me constantly and I felt as if my whole life was spent carrying a kicking screaming bundle of fury out of shops, parties and playgrounds. There were days I wanted to lie down and scream beside her.

Things began to change when I decided to start with myself. I spent ten minutes every night doing relaxation exercises. That gave me the space to look at her behaviour and to ask myself what I wanted to teach her. Rather than trying to control her, I decided to teach her the skills she needed to calm down.

Tips

Decide in advance what your rules are.

Keep the rules simple.

Explain the rules frequently in a positive way when the child is relaxed and happy.

When you are applying a rule state it clearly and kindly ONCE

When the child becomes emotional express empathy -‘I know you want chocolate/another story... but you can’t have one. Yes it is very hard not to get what you want.’

Name the feelings for the child ‘I can see you are angry/disappointed/sad’

Express your support – “It is so hard for you when you feel bad like this but I love you and we will get through it”.

As the child cries / screams /hits out etc, avoid criticising their behaviour - prevent them gently from causing harm or being harmed. (You can deal with this behaviour when they calm down again). Use gentle touch, reassuring words until the child calms down.

When the child is calm praise him for calming down.

When the child is calm and happy tell him that next time you want him to be gentle even when he is feeling bad. Hurting people is not allowed.

Use relaxation, visualisation art and drama to teach the child ways of expressing emotions safely.

If your child has been having tantrums over a long period and the outbursts are quite intense, you may feel that they can’t hear you or understand you when they are in the middle of a tantrum. They may not actually hear every word if they are screaming but they can tell you are supporting them without giving in to them. They can also detect that you are in control of the situation and that everything is safe. Seeing you remain calm and gentle is a powerful example to them. It is not their fault that their physiology causes them to behave badly and it is not their fault if your reaction in the past has taught them that this way of relieving stress makes you give them what they want.

It’s not your fault if you didn’t know that you can be kind and supportive and still not give in. When a child senses that you are calm and still not changing your mind her stress hormones will be reduced. If you are intensely emotional this increases her stress. At first you may feel silly being kind yet unyielding to a child who is behaving badly but it works.

My daughter went from bad tantrums to half-hearted protests in a few weeks. I knew we were making progress when she started to flounce out to cry in her room when she didn’t get her own way. Nowadays she argues in a reasonable though persistent way before going to her room to write me a letter explaining her feelings. She also keeps a diary and often draws pictures revealing happy, sad or angry feelings. She also tells me to ‘Chill out Mam, it’s only life’ if I‘m frustrated over something trivial.

As parents we are teaching tomorrow’s adults – what better skill to teach than the skill of dealing with frustration calmly and positively.

Siobhan O’Rourke B.A. R.N.I.D. Dip. Lec

Siobhan O’Rourke B.A. R.N.I.D. Dip. Lec

Siobhan is a Challenging Behaviour/Developmental Therapist who provides a home-based intervention service to families experiencing challenging behaviour /developmental delay.