Self-Loather’s Guide to Dating

With innumerable self-help manuals and episodes of Oprah and Dr. Phil made to help people with difficulties in their own lives, it is hard for those people who like wallowing in self-pity to keep our self-loathing ways. I have therefore decided to write a set of guides especially written for people like me.This set of guides will cover specific topics, beginning with dating. Following are 21 easy measures to the ideal date by a self-loather’s perspective. I’m confident that this can help self-loathers anyplace to continue in their comfortable, miserable, and unworthy lives.

1. Make sure that you talk at length for your own date about all the errors that your ex-boy or girlfriend or ex-spouse created, but that you’re positive that he or she’s different. He or she’ll be glad to know they couldn’t possibly be as poor as that loser.
2. Order spaghetti, and take large bites. The slurping sound may turn in your date.
3. If you are a woman, put on a low-cut dress. Sometime during the evening, bend over in this way as to allow a boob to “inadvertently” pop out. This will truly impress him.
4. It’s OK to let a fart or two rip. Your date will appreciate your candid behavior.
5. Swearing profusely and telling a couple of dirty jokes is a terrific way to find out whether your date is really a prude.
Suggest a fun activity like bungee jumping for your first date. There is nothing like the fear of passing to break the ice.
Chug a few beers, then indicate a burping contest. Interesting games are a fantastic way to attach on a new level.
8. If you are a guy, wear skin tight trousers so she can see that you’re a “full package”
9. Be sure to mention at some point during the day that you haven’t been examined for STDs in awhile. This will make sure that, seeing as you are wearing gross underwear, you do not sleep together on the initial date, since wearing ugly underwear never stopped you before, and just led to humiliation.
10. Excuse yourself to visit the restroom then come back with white powder under your nose. Allow your date sit in shock for at least ten minutes before letting him or her know that it was all a joke. Your date will think that it’s really funny.
11. If you find yourself becoming nervous during the date, lower your head and rub your temples while still firming to release the tension. Your date will know, and you’ll find the added advantage of gaining instant sympathy.
12. Begin random conversations with other couples sitting near. Your date will be delighted to see that you’re such a social butterfly.
13. Talk about yourself incessantly. Your date will love to listen to as much as he or she can about you.
14. Whenever your date mentions personal accomplishments, interject to your own story about accomplishing the exact same aim. Your date will be pleased to know that you have so much in common.
15. Tell your date about your high standards and amazing achievements, even though none of it’s true. They will be relieved to know you can be looked around.
16. Be sure to ask your date repeatedly if he or she will telephone you after your date is over. When trying to get someone to remember something, repetition is vital.
17. Keep telling your date how much fun you are having, and how much you actually, really, really like them, and just how good they look, and how funny they are, and also how awesome their own hair design is, and what a good listener they may be, and how great they smell, and what nice palms they have, and also what wonderfully lovely eyes they have who are similar to looking into a calm peaceful sea of possibilities. This will really boost their own confidence.
18. Tell your date that you’d love to spend all of your spare time with him or her. This is going to make your date feel wanted. Make certain to mention that you feel you’ve obtained that stalking issue rather well under control.
19. Go ahead and plant a five minute French kiss in your date, finish with moaning and a few gyrations, before saying goodbye. This will keep your date wanting more even though you are not going to sleep with him or her tonight.
20. Tell your date that you’re likely to need to introduce her or him to your parents next moment. This will help your date to understand how truly serious you’re about the connection, and ought to make him or her wildly excited.
21. If you come upon an awkward moment of silence, just cup your date’s face on your hands, look deep into his or her eyes, and let them know they’re “the one.” Your date will be extremely flattered to be aware of how much you care.