Feminists write about mental health

Food addiction

Long time no writing from me – sorry! Anyway, I wanted to write a little about something that has affected me for as long as I can remember – basically as long as I’ve been depressed, which is as far back as I can recall, and that’s food addiction.

It manifests itself in me feeling desperate to eat food at times when I feel trapped, stressed, bored, ugly, lonely or sad.

I am only really beginning to start analysing myself and how I deal with my problem. I’ve gone through one major hurdle in that now I find myself knowing, as I eat, that I am doing this for a reason – to help me cope with the feelings – and I acknowledge that I am hurting myself by doing it, but also in the short term that I am helping myself and that it is a less damaging way, perhaps, to deal with feelings than some others.

Despite this, however, it makes me unhappy; I’ve always felt too big for my natural body, as if I’m wearing a fat suit made of my anxiety and addiction all the time. I know I need to start taking time out to deal with issues whenever I feel desperate for food. I know I need to start planning my weekly diet a bit better so I’ve got fruit and veg to plough through if it gets bad, as at least that will be nourishing for me as opposed to damaging.

I want to start writing about my addiction, because I find examining it through putting it down in words helps to break up the opacity of it – a lot of the time I feel as if I’m lost whenever I do it – as if I can’t pinpoint what it is that’s making me so upset. Sometimes low levels of stress causes me to just casually overeat. Sometimes high levels of stress causes me to properly binge. But I would say I overeat most days of the week, some more than others.

It’s not going to be an easy thing to examine, but I feel that I want to start talking about it more. Any other women out there with a similar issue? Write to me in the comments!

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10 Responses

I’m aware I eat when depressed but haven’t managed to look at it in any detail. I have always eaten too much, and was encouraged as a child to do so, meaning it is an external comfort/approval thing as well. It also ties in to anxiety about money and not wasting food ie not being able to throw any away. I’d be interested to see if we have common ground here! Certainly I cannot remember a time when I was not depressed, or when I didn’t eat to feel better.

I consider myself fat positive – that is I believe people can be healthy at any size and that fat does not automatically mean ugly, unfit or unhealthy. At over seventeen stone I am squarely inside the ‘obese’ category and I have no desire to lose weight.

I do however want to eat better; I have started paying attention and realising that what I eat can have a massive impact on my mood and energy levels. I am a compulsive eater; I ‘eat to keep my teeth busy’ as my partner puts it. As a vegetarian, and because I am feeding not just myself but my young son, my diet overall is fairly healthy.

But in between healthy meals I find myself eating rubbish just for the sake of it; I get hungry very quickly after meals and I am sure I misinterpret thirst and other body needs as hunger signals because I am so used to food as comfort, food as a solution to pretty much all of life’s problems, never paying attention to how it makes me feel a few hours later.

My problem, I think, is that I forget what food is meant to be – fuel for my body. That isn’t to say it shouldn’t be pleasurable fuel, but its purpose is still to nourish and replenish the body’s nutrients. Too often I eat when I know I’m not hungry, because depression or boredom make me crave sugar or carbohydrates.

I think it’s a brave thing to write about here; so many people have told me “so just stop doing it” like it was such an easy thing to do. Those of us who overeat are often dismissed as lazy, greedy, with no self-control. I am glad to read it’s not just me, and that maybe with the right support we might improve our relationships with food.🙂

Right there with you – i have an eating disorder which switches its presentation between anorexia, bulimia and overeating.
I’ve got more of a handle on the avoiding-overeating than the avoiding-undereating now – it’s a bit of a balance – and wish you the best of luck!

I’m the same, it alternates between not being able to stop and not being able to eat at all, and then sometimes not being capable or too terrified to be able to go out to get food.

I’ve just signed up for graze.com because they can send you bits of healthy food through the post which I think would help with both things, and then on some days food will turn up without me having to go out.

The code ZMTNC6G means you get a free box as a trial, and your second one for £1.50 if you want a look.

I don’t agree with diets or food deprivation, they don’t work in the long term, in fact I think they make it worse because they make you focus and obsess about food more.

I am similar, I have been a compulsive eater my whole life and depressed off and on for most of my life too. I’m totally with you on the “fat suit”, I always saw myself as this small insignificant person in a massive body – I’m 5′ 8 too. I am trying at the moment to accept my fat (having just read FIFI) and who I am now. Haven’t managed to tackle the eating bit yet though… It’s an emotional pandora’s box.

In an earlier post you mentioned setting up a support group in London, did you manage to do that? I would be very keen to join/set one up if you are interested.

I agree that this is a difficult issue. One of my earliest memories is of looking at the pictures in a book called “Eat Fat, Get Thin” which was my Mum’s current reading at the time.

On the flip side, if I was ill I was allowed to eat junk; if I was sad I was allowed to eat junk; if I was happy I was allowed to celebrate with junk .

As a result I grew up watching my Mum starve herself in pursuit of the perfect body, while I was comforted and rewarded with food. Guess how that turned out?

My Mum is frustrated that I won’t diet, and I can’t tell her that I’d rather be fat than live like she does. Except that I do live like her. In front of other people I eat salad and soup and avoid sweets, but when I feel sad or ill or tired, then I smuggle certain foods into my room and gorge.

@Rosemary, starving yourself is the other side of this kind of compulsive behavior. My younger sister is anorexic, and even when she is ‘healthy’, she is constantly sending me details of diets such as the one that you recommend. You are trying to be helpful, but as soon as you think that starving yourself as a form of weight control then you are in trouble.

I am just realizing there is probably a big connection with feeling depressed and my food addiction – and I am now wondering – which one came first?
In the melancholy spaces, food and drink are the best things going…and even when you are with other people, helping to manage the lonely times – you are often sharing company over food and drink, so it’s seems so hard to avoid.
It seems like a vicious cycle and I am looking for some simple steps to start to break the cycle.