I’ve Never Thrown a Turd out of a Bathroom Window

Every now and again I read a story in the paper which I know will stay with me forever. Usually it’s a piece about a heroic rescue or the selfless love of a total stranger, but this week it’s the mortifying tale of the tinder poo girl!

For those of you who may not have read it, this week a story emerged about a girl from Bristol who was on Tinder date. After accidentally blocking her dates loo, she decided to lob her stool out of the bathroom window to avoid embarrassment. Unfortunately for her, the turd became wedged between two window panes. Left with no other choice she came clean to her unsuspecting date. Together they then decided she would squeeze into the gap and retrieve her poo. To cut a long story short, she became stuck and had to be rescued by firefighters.

While this story is hilarious I can’t help but feel sorry for this girl. I’m sure we’ve all been there, stuck in the loo with a shit that won’t flush. For this to happen on a first date must be humiliating. That said, never has the thought entered my head to fish my own turd from the pan and launch it out of the window!

After reading the story I got to thinking about some of the bad dates I’ve been on. Now they are in no way tinder poo girl level but some are pretty bad. In fact there’s a couple of different stories I could tell. I could tell you about the time I went on a date with a guy who was definitely gay. I could also tell you about the time I got lost in the cinema and had to do a runner. But as we’re already on the subject of bodily waste, I’ll tell you about the time I peed myself.

Once you’ve had a kid peeing your pants is normal. It happens if you laugh too hard and every time you sneeze, but when your in your late teens you’re expected to know better. Back in the day, when we drank to socialise not to just reward ourselves for a great days parenting, I had a habit of socialising a little too much. On this particular occasion I’d gone out for some drinks with a guy from work.

After a considerable amount of alcohol we went back to his and I did what every girl does when they’ve drank too much. Eats her body weight in chicken nuggets and passes out fully clothed. It wasn’t until I woke the next morning that I realised something wasn’t quite right. Yes I had pissed myself, in his bed, while he slept next to me. To make matters worse I was still wearing last night’s clothes.

To this day I’m not sure which part was more shameful, having to explain to him why his bed was wet or getting a taxi home stinking of piss and looking like a hobo.

For those of you who are wondering, we are not still together. We did date for a couple of years after and when we eventually went our separate ways I’m pretty sure it had nothing to do with my weak bladder!

So what’s the worst date you’ve ever been on? Here’s a few examples from the blogosphere.

I once went on a date with a lady which was perfectly pleasant but there was clearly no romance. When it came to end I got a bit confused as to how to bid her goodbye because there was obviously no kiss on the cards. I ended up patting her on the head like a puppy. She never contacted me again. Nick – Bad Dadu

I once went on a date with a guy who immediately started telling me about his ex girlfriend the dancer, his world trip work travelling, how he bought himself threesomes with prostitutes for his birthday, how he hired a prostitute to (secretly) relieve his brother of his virginity, and how we were going to a “should be Michelin starred soon” Italian place. It had plastic tablecloths. I don’t think I said more than three words the whole night, and when I got home I laughed for about half an hour and got a text saying we didn’t have a spark – haha! The only spark he would have got from me would have been getting sparko’d by the bargepole I’d be fending him off with. Sarah – Mumzilla

I once got so drunk on a second date that I spent the whole night throwing up. He told me the next day I had been sick into the glass I was holding at the time and he had to stop me drinking it as I was that drunk I hadn’t even noticed. Not my finest moment but it didn’t put him off, we’ve been married for five years! Laura – Five Little Doves

It was our first (and only date) and I could see the guy coming towards me a mile away… there aren’t many anorak wearing men these days! He walked right up to me and without so much as a hello or hug, proceeded to reach into his anorak pocket whilst telling me he ‘had something for me!’ Out popped a small tin foiled wrapped a parcel containing 4 very small slices of homemade lemon cake that he had made. I wasn’t even worthy of half a cake! Simone – Sim’s Life

My worst date (although we’d been dating a while) was probably the day I accidentally ripped out his nipple piercing with my watch when I leant over to turn out the light. Blood EVERYWHERE. He cheated on me, so the scar is well deserved. Lucy – Real Mum Reviews

Back in my plenty of fish days I went on a date with a guy I’d been chatting too. He was pleasant enough but there was no spark so I decided not to see him again. Me telling him this resulted in him sending me an essay about how he thought we were in love and would make amazing children he was blocked Jenna – Then there were three

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About MommyandRory

I'm Becky. A twenty something first time mommy living in Yorkshire with my partner Ryan and our little boy Rory.
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