Saturday, June 21, 2008

Ending Ratings

Vanessa Jaye has an interesting post over at her place about HEA and checking the endings of books to see what the author delivers. Which prompted me to clog up her comments with my views, among which I suggested that we create a symbolic rating system for the benefit of HEA-or-nothing romance readers, along the lines of those international stck figure picture symbols for road signs, bathrooms, etc.

My original suggestion was a pink heart for the novel with a traditional HEA, a black heart for the ones with non-HEA endings, and a heart with a ? mark in the center for cliffhangers, continuing romance (i.e. Alex and Michael from Darkyn) or Hopefully Ever After endings. But then there are all those other-than-romance genres, as Vanessa pointed out, that have romance subplots like Gump's box of chocolates -- you never know what you're going to get.

So, to expand on my original idea, I propose we institute the following:

Erotica: hot pink heart with odometer (love interests commit only after they have had sex [number on odometer] times), hot blue heart with chains (love interest falls for dominatrix), three pink hearts entwined (love interest has scorching romance with two other persons) hot pink heart with electrical outlet, assorted toys, bottles of lube and hanging basket chair (love interests are kind of busy right now, check back with them in the next book.)

Historical Fiction: pink heart edged with period-correct tatted lace with black ribbon (romance ends in advantageous marriage, but female love interest dies in childbirth), purple heart (romance ends in quickie marriage, immediately after which male love interest marches off to war, where he dies in unsanitary hospital tent of complications from wound infection), black heart with red fist (romance between lovers of unequal rank, never quite gets off the ground, then everyone is shot during a Socialist coup or revolution, and you don't quite know who dies.)

Horror: pink heart with chainsaw (female love interest dies, horribly) blue heart with hatchet (male love interest dies, horribly) anatomically correct heart, still dripping (romance is permanently railroaded when one lover rips/cuts out the heart of the other in bizarre sacrificial ritual at ancient Mexican ruins), rat-infested, mold-, pimple- and running-sore-covered heart impaled on tombstone-colored razor-sharp teeth surrounded by hungry zombies with cell phones (romance by Stephen King, or everyone who even thinks about falling in love suffers horribly, then -- you don't want to know.)

Inspirational: pink heart with chastity belt (a lot of romance talk but no actual physical contact), pink heart with cross (romance ends in church marriage), pink heart with white collar (romance ends with church marriage to minister), pure white unblemished heart (all characters forego romance in order to devote their hearts, minds and lives to Christ.)

Literary Fiction: Red heart with X over it (Love is concluded not to really exist), one pink and one blue heart with X over both (Love can truly exist, but not if it involves a woman and a man). Pink heart in handcuffs ("romantic" subplot consists of female being subjugated by patriarchy until she awakens to this reality), undersized pink heart (Story is written by Vladimir Nabokov, male love interest ends the novel in jail).

ZOMG, what can I add to this? The erotica endings are so perfect I'm dying.

I think maybe the only one you forgot is the every kind of heart ending, indicating that all characters of all species and backgrounds are in love with the heroine who is really busy, check back in the next book.

I thought your list was complete. But Charlene nailed it with "the every kind of heart ending, indicating that all characters of all species and backgrounds are in love with the heroine who is really busy, check back in the next book." In fact, I just read the most recently released next book. :)