Police Dispatch

SPILLED CAKE: SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE

NORTH LA CAÑADA DRIVE

MAY 29, 9 P.M.

A man caused a ruckus in a church after getting cake on himself, according to a Pima County Sheriff's Department report.

A deputy responded to a call from a custodian at a place of worship, who said that a short, 31-year-old male had entered the church and started yelling to no one in particular that the world was coming to an end. In the background, dispatch said, the subject could be heard yelling that "the cops do not know what the fuck is real," before screaming, "Fuck the cops!" followed by, "Bring them, bring them; they don't give a shit!"

When the deputy apprehended the subject, he shouted, "Shoot me, shoot me; you don't know what's real!" and then sat on the ground. While being put into the patrol vehicle, he asked the deputy, "Does this feel good? Does this earn your paycheck?" He was very vocal, but his words did not make much sense, including something about not wanting to be with his "baby's mama" anymore.

The female he had been with before the incident said they had been driving in their SUV when a cake they were transporting fell on the passenger seat where the subject was sitting. When the female pulled over to clean up the mess, she said, he suddenly exited the vehicle and entered the church, where he started screaming that the world was coming to an end. He had no history of mental disturbance, she said.

The subject was arrested for disturbing the peace.

CRACKHEADS IN A CANDY STORE

EAST BENSON HIGHWAY

MAY 30, 7:34 P.M.

Two young females in possession of crack cocaine were apprehended after stealing copious amounts of candy from a local Circle K, a PCSD report stated.

Deputies made contact with three women; the younger two were reportedly involved in the theft. The older woman complained that she "had to pee really, really bad" and was allowed to depart.

Deputies found a baggie of crack cocaine near the leg of one of the younger subjects, who initially claimed it belonged to the older woman. A witness, however, claimed he saw the girl discard the baggie in the bushes; she eventually admitted it was hers.

Though the girls denied stealing anything, the store's surveillance camera showed both of them repeatedly taking handfuls of candy off the shelves and stuffing the candy into a backpack and a large diaper bag.

Many packages of candy, apparently brand-new, were found in the girls' bags—as well as approximately $100 in cash, which led a deputy to state that they had no reason to steal candy.