Abstract

The quotes, which I made up

“If New Hampshire residents would be true to their “Live Free or Die” official motto, the Funeral services would be very profitable business out there.”

“It is usually a bad job interview idea to say that you are an avid “self learner” because as a teenager you have learned about “The birds and the bees” on your own – by conducting multiple live experiments.”

“Is making up real funny quotes not enough for someone to become Notable ?”

“The rumor has it that as a cost cutting measure the original Statue of Liberty was recently secretly replaced by its cheap copy, which was made in … China.”

“Wiki Leaks got the unconfirmed information (through the osmosis, of course) that North Korea now agreed to sign the peace agreement with the South Korea on one only condition – Woody Allen’s immediate divorce.”

“The best remedy to reduce hemorrhoid’s pain and itching is to become a professional stand-up comedian.

“If I would live in the past then I would be a fan of those days Modern Literature. If I would live in the future then I would be probably enjoying today’s Sci-Fi genre. But since I live in the present boring times I prefer to read Classics.”

“If money would indeed grow on the trees then we could of use them to save the forests.”

“It is a common historical misconception to claim that Serbia was bombed by US’s led NATO to force the creation of the Muslim European state (Kosovo). In truth the sole purpose of the bombing action was the desperate last resort attempt to destroy the plant, producing those awful cars, called Yugo.”

“Bill Clinton was absolutely truthful when he stated that he “never had sex with that woman”. He actually meant Hillary.”

“I’ve heard the exciting news that producers of “King’s speech”, being greatly encouraged by their success at Oscar’s, are rushing with the sequel tentatively named “King’s fart”, trying it to be ready for the April 29 royal wedding event.”

“Grapevine sources are telling that Natalie Portman is writing her autobiography book titled “My way to Oscar – from ugly duckling with no strings attached to pregnant swan in love”.”

“I would gladly do what I say … if only it would not take me so much time to figure what I really meant when I said it.”

“Since flies carry the infection, I would welcome establishing “No fly zone” in all countries instead of doing this favor just for Libya.”

“Some like it hot, some like it both hot and married.”

“When we failed to export goods we started to export jobs. That is what I call “Innovation”.”

“My parents also called me Sasha. But my house was of another color.”

“Since I like to have my drink alone and not in a party of noisy unruly scoundrels, I am switching from drinking tea to coffee.”

“When I write my phrase, containing a statement, I always leave a lot of free empty space underneath of it.”

“The best meet-up dating places for divorcees are “Lost and Found” departments.”

“What is common between a male bird and a politician ? They both could change colors. What is the difference between a male bird and a politician ? The first does it to make love, the second – just to stay alive.”

“What is the difference between buying sandwich and being laid off at work ? In the latter case – they always give it to you “to go”. “

“Why the only people who could afford serious opinion on the serious issues of this country are late night shows comedians ? Because this is the most unlikely time and place for Awakening.”

“If you don’t know people, who claim to be your enemy – then your enemies are hiding among people, who claim to be your friends. If you don’t have friends then look up for your enemy within yourself.”

“The motto “IN GOD WE TRUST” used in US Legal Tender (bills and coins) has a typo. The correct version is: “IN GOLD WE TRUST”.”

“Republicans are red, democrats are blue; most voters are color blinded and do not have a clue.”