I can co-teach Abandoning Footwear and would like to sign up for Judo-Style Arguing. May I suggest that you do an advanced Annoying Baristas in NYC? I can also teach Making Sure One Person In Your House Is Crying At All Times.

(a) Contemporary Art Collecting (b) Weird French (c) Lingerie Shopping (for women of any age & shape) (d) Teen Parenting Survival (e) How to find scholarship money where you think none exists (sort of) (f) How to become addicted to (classic) “Sex & The City” (g) Shoe Shopping (no flats allowed) (h) How to get through the day without hubris, while still tolerating those who haven’t learned the necessity for this lesson as yet

1. How to Get Out of Marital Relations Three Nights in a Row 2. Crockpot Goodness (AKA: Mama’s Cleaning Out the Fridge Because Tomorrow’s Garbage Day) 3. How to Pee Anywhere But the Toilet (DS2’s got a PHD in this) 4. Cleaning the Bathroom Using Only a Single Baby Wipe

1. how to avoid housework . 2. How to stop mid sentence, therefore annoying everyone. 3. how to clean (when you absolutely must) using grandma on the phone as a distraction. 4. how to hideclean when guests are coming over. (aka the bathtub as an emergency closet) 5. how not to be on time for work. 6. how to leave the house with a depleted diaper bag, EVERY TIME. And many more!

– How to get stuck behind that Toyota Corolla that always drives 10 miles per hour below the speed limit in the middle lane of a three-lane highway – How to create alternate lyrics to popular songs – How to get an annoying song stuck in someone’s head for an entire week – 101 times and places not to sing ‘The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald’

i will volunteer expert instruction in: “How to start a promising writing career and then manage to screw it up royally by going into PR”, but of course i could also teach “How to plan the perfect wedding from 5,000 miles away”.

And you did plan the perfect wedding. I still find myself looking at those pictures and remembering. The warming of the rings, the rural VA setting, doing your makeup (me!), you – stunning in that dress, Gospel-y O Happy Day, champagne, My. Navy Champlain man of the match, dancing like a wild child on the cobblestone, and 7 blond women over 5’10” (out of 40 guests).

Hmmm… how about: How to feign illness to get out of going to the in-laws. How to treat the gas empty red line in your car as a bonus 25 miles more gauge. And… How to answer a myriad of questions with one look.