Wednesday, May 02, 2007

I need to adjust the alligator early-warning system here at the compound. This story has been on the wires since 8:22 pm CST on April 30, but I just found it this morning. Please accept my sincere apology for not getting this vital information to you sooner.

According to this story in the L.A. Times, Reggie the alligator has reappeared in Lake Machado. Efforts to catch Reggie in 2005 fell apart after self-described gator expert T-Bone Quinn of Louisiana referred to the team from Gatorland as "retarded." Ted Williams, leader of Team Gatorland, responded as Team Gatorland quit the project:

"I will not allow some swamp rat to walk into a situation and make comments…. I am not going to allow Gatorland to be referred to as 'retarded.' "

As if the incompetence and fractiousness of the so-called "experts" brought in to catch the gator wasn't discouraging enough, even worse news comes later in the article: the explosive revelation that alligators have compromised certain members of the law enforcement community!

Yeah, you heard me right. Former LAPD Officer Todd Natow, after raising Reggie to fighting size in a backyard pool, dumped him in Lake Machado. And guess what? DRUGS WERE INVOLVED!!!

Wake up Los Angeles! Effective law enforcement has possibly stopped the northward march of the gator army in places like New York and Massachussets. Your sunny clime and a corrupt cop have opened you up as the next logical target.

Watch the lakes...watch the lakes! And I'm going on the record as saying my services are available for a very reasonable price.