Tag: family

Disclaimer: the following post is ridiculously personal. I know I haven’t made these lame disclaimers in a while, but just in case any of you feel confused about the tone, it is because my mind gears can get stuck in some function sometimes, a computing error, so it blurts out nonsense. Just as with most of my other personal posts they are usually for me to reread after a certain problem has passed (with the will of God), anyways thank you for sticking around. And sorry that these posts make no sense, I’ll hopefully be putting up better content soon.

It has been 19 days. It feels like 19 months. Nineteen. Perhaps a few years.

We are entering the third week of incarceration — mental psychical flatulent prison.

Let us pretend to be wrecked, injured from spewing debris.

Let us force some muscles to curve and laugh with the kids until he returns.

Let us inhale then exhale and not choke in between,

Nothing is broken

Perhaps except for her — but she’s always been away

Love is no entity requiring observable forms of emotive behavior,

I suppose that necessitates a grinding pain of infatuated idealism that is as feeble as the last gazelle in the herd

Targeted as sure prey

I know little of the sense that is to arrive from my words, perhaps they are not mine for right now

I understand writers embody a certain prestige, an air that usually reads ascetic on paper

And hedonistic in practice

Truth is not from the mind that already seeks — that one has already launched

Keep your body here now let your mind travel to a start — the one that slowly placed you here

You’ve lost a good chunk of expression, but who cares about this language anyway

Learn and learn and learn then die

Return and return and return alright

He will come back to you. He. Will. Return.

Ah, patience if you can hear me,

I pray for your warmth.

And I pray for your serenity

I wonder if there is such a thing as a liar who knows not whom they are

Perhaps it feels easier to loosen a commitment to some scar, the wind filling it with grit — coating it in a timed dust that I let pass through

I have always had the choice to know how to live, I have always been driven by some motive to exist — but never like this what a blessing!

I remember so clearly being honest with myself

As a child with frilly hands, a shaking pen and the mind of a goldfish – where’s my next meal? My next round transparent bowl of water? Maybe today I can nibble instead of bite and tomorrow I can crunch and not wiggle —

To the past few posts that were solely built on personal experience and clenching thoughts, I apologize. I know I said I was going to drench this thing with wincing humor, satirical teas and cool information to pretend as though I have some form of intelligence — but things are tough.

I suppose when “things” are tough, optimally, all forms of patience and silence may be preferred. And I can’t really know why but it’s some secret purification that constructs a seal, shattered if divulged, maybe. I don’t know. I guess from far away, strong hearts always seem so capable. They look composed and wise, and their “things” are sure to be tougher than anyone. I think that picture is how I want to be when “things” are the way they are. But I don’t know anything about it.

I do not swim in some squander or effort that evaporates — I am just afraid that time is dripping down from my fingertips the same way the last droplets of water do when I’m done washing them. There are so few of them left, I can’t exactly pinpoint how much or know when I’m to wash my hands again but right now they’re slipping away into the sink of charcoal. I think that’s how it is.

I have become so much more ambivalent about my decisions — my mind shivers at ideas sometimes. There is so much left to learn. There is still so freaking much left to learn. And I haven’t even commenced a proper process — I have only been vascillating a convoluted confusion, weighing options and choices and not lucidly comprehending their consequences. I suppose I never used to comprehend much at all. It’s true, you know, how environment shapes almost everything — it shaped my charlatan facade, where I had assumed that I understood behavior because I read a few pages and listened to a few people.

This is tough. The point is this is really tough. And it’s not because I don’t know what to do. God has blessed me with guides and I know what’s to be done. I just can’t understand why yet I guess. But it’s tough.

I’m assuming objectively all these stupid words seem exactly that: stupid. I hope they are. I hope I can look back at this with that strong “wise” and quiet heart that I see glistening from far away. And I don’t want that balance for this life. I don’t think I can want things like that anymore — this is for what is after. I am blessed to have detanglerizers next to me. I am blessed to have the heart I do. This is tough but I am blessed.

I think that was the purpose of this — a quiet imbued with thoughts that are translated inaccurately. And so it is only tough by perception — and if it is not then I still win prizes of patience. Be patient be patient be patient. The heaven you desire is to all who can be patient. This is tough — be patient.

Disclaimer: This is a little reminiscent of my CWM series, but remains separate from it in various ways. Who cares anyway, right? I didn’t wish it so, but most of this is a played out reality. It reads a lot more melancholic than it is now — these are my thoughts spelled out as amateur analyses of memories I don’t want to completely let go of yet. And isn’t that what evincing is for?Continue reading “Ma”→

I’m almost finished with writing this piece and have realized that the story I tell gradually declines into this deprived pool of self-pity and solitude. I can promise you Continue reading ““Evincing” pt. 2″→

This piece was alluded to in a really early post of mine, if you remember it then I’m giving you a virtual high-five right now because you’re awesome. This was first published on June 4, 2016.Continue reading “CWM: “Noises Of Security””→

This was originally thought up on September 9, 2015. It was first published on December 23, 2015. I can still almost taste this memory. It’s written a little pretentiously though. Sorry, I like pretend like I’m cool in my journal!Continue reading “CWM: “Gratitude, I Think””→

About

Evince is a personal blog embossed with pretentiously difficult vocabulary and slightly tangy humour. The different categories on this blog allow for the reader to explore with the author, as they come up with new thoughts or experience new events -- and then there's a little splash of psychological concepts in application just to keep things feeling intellectually productive.