All Purpose Joke

rl1u+@andrew.cmu.edu(chuckle)

[Ed: Original by Scott Turner]

These three strings go into a bar and order a martini. One string
notices a horse with a sign that says, "Make me laugh, make me cry, win
$1000" on it. Meanwhile, a bell starts ringing in the clock tower overhead,
and suddenly there is a loud thud as a body falls to the street in
front of the bar. "I'm a Frayed Knot!" screams one enraged string at
the bartender, and then disappears. Kant leaves via the back door. The
other string stands in front of the horse and pulls down his pants. It
isn't clear at this point why the horse is wearing pants.

The Inspector walks in the front door and says to no one in particular,
"I can't remember his name, but his face rings a bell." Several dozen
customers instinctively stab their F keys. The remaining string gulps
down the rest of his martini and says, "And at these prices, you're not
likely to see many more!"

At the table in the back, the Doctor looks intently at his patient and
says, "And if you don't quit jerking off, your elbow's never going to get
any better!" "You think your thore," the patient screams back, "I can't
even thit!"

There's a loud thud as another body hits the pavement in front of the
bar, and a Purdue freshman runs in the door and says, "And now his brother's
a dead ringer, too!"

The door to the bathroom opens and a young boy in a vaguely Medieval
costume wanders out. "Do you know where some Yellow Fingers are?" he
asks.

Suddenly, there is a loud crash outside and a bleeding man comes stumbling
into the bar. "Was that a penguin I just ran over, or a nun with
sunglasses?" he asks. "I think not," says the bartender, and disappears.

A yokel gets up from a corner booth and asks the bartender (who has
mysteriously reappeared), "Bartender, where is the library at?" The
bartender looks askance at the hick and replies "We don't serve people
from Purdue, *ASSHOLE*!" and hits him over the head with a bat, killing
him instantly.

Immediately, several people scream out "I'm a dead ringer for my
brother!"

(Fortunately, at this point the election results came in and Ferdinand
Marcos won 512 to 2.)

An Indian walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a Q-tip. "Wax
problem?" the solicitous bartender asks. "No, buffalo come," replies
the red man.

The bartender notices a man scrawling graffiti on the wall and levels
him with both barrels of a sawed-off shotgun. The first part of the
grafitti reads:

>>>Electricians do it for the halibut.

>>I have a haddock.

>Cod, I hate this.

The bar explodes into spontaneous applause.

A prison convict stands on his chair, clears his throat and says, "57!"
The room is dead silent. The silence is broken by screams from the man
trying to remove his appendix with the scalpel he found underneath his
chair. There are several examples of Universes scattered about the
floor beside him.