My Slutty Valentine – A Singles Guide to Survival

Happy Valentine’s Day weekend to one and all! And baby, it’s cold outside!! Not at all the kinda weather that has me wanting to make declarations of love OR do the nasty. The only thing I want to wrap my legs around at the moment is a space heater – which could be shocking in more ways than one. At the very least, I’d have a heck of a time explaining where those grill marks on my inner thighs came from.

And even the snow, which I used to love so much, has now turned on us. The stupid white crap is everywhere! I should’ve been a little more specific in my letter to Santa…when asking him to send nine inches my way. Putting the weather aside, since that isn’t what I’m here to chat with you about today – in my first official post as the newest staffer on The Jessewave Gay-zette.

No sir. This day has been reserved for the one topic in which we’re all either addicted to writing and or reading about.

LOVE.

And not just any ole specific kinda love, but an all-inclusive smorgasbord guaranteed to give you indigestion before hopefully leaving you satisfied. So grab your tongs, saddle up to the buffet and prepare yourselves for a love feast. Or fest, for those of you, who like me, are also currently on a diet – which is what comes from stuffing your stocking with the wrong type of sausage during the holidays.

Part warning with a dash of wishful thinking, I’ve limited this particular discussion to three different types of love which any modern, single boy or girl might find themselves ensnared in over the upcoming Valentine’s Day weekend. I know…dry your eyes. I hated placing limits on love as well, but this post can’t go on forever. I have books to write! : )

Keeping all that in mind, please insert your protective cups before reading any further.

Love Scenario Number One: Love at First Site

A by-product of the lovely online world called the internet – where one can find practically anything – if willing to look long enough. To this navigator extraordinaire, this love scenario can be as fast and easy as he once was in his early twenties. Unfortunately, much like his post-teen stamina, it also has a tendency to only last about as long as his average orgasm back in the day – a fact that usually relegates this avenue to being a last resort, at least with regard to how seriously we count on our chances of success.

Nevertheless, he forges ahead, muttering all those mantras of positivity under his breath, like the little Homo that could. As god is his witness, all of those years spent day dreaming about his love life, imagining When Harry Met Sally’s Boyfriend will not have been in vain.

Our home-bound, hero is likely already gearing up for the onslaught, thanks to the perpetual fears that come with the one day of the year specifically engineered to make us single peeps feel unloved and all alone. But never fear, because this year will be different. He’s being PRO-active, damn it, scanning the profiles of gay.com with the precision of a forensic criminologist. Bookmarking and rating them as he scientifically categorizes each on-screen-man using that giant pros & cons list inside his head. He rolls his eyes, seeing ‘No fats or fem’s’ for like the hundredth time, wondering why some folks find it necessary to lead with an insult. He stares longingly at the profile pic, before letting out another sigh, reminding himself that this year he’s sworn off assholes. Not literally of course, just behaviourally. Searching for the silver lining – yet another fucking New Year’s resolution he’s already having problems with – he say’s a tiny prayer of thanks since so many assholes out there have saved him the time and trouble by boldly displaying their true, shitty nature in print.

For Mr. Love-at-first-Site, it’s not about the journey. A true gambler by nature he believes eventually his time will come. He’ll score – so to speak – thereby hitting the love jackpot!! Hopefully just in time for Valentine’s Day! To all my fellow pimps and ho’s out there – I salute you! Hell, I’ll likely be right there with you. ; )

Love Scenario Number Two: Love at First Night

Unlike Love at First Site, which often winds up in the same place – horizontally speaking – this scenario usually evolves due to a lack of having any formal game-plan. Often laced with a lovely sheen of last minute desperation, this particular love-type is less like a gamble, more closely resembling a Kamikaze-nuthin’-to-lose-last-minute-Hail-Mary. It usually comes into play sometime around the end of the night at your local gay club, right before the ugly lights come on. Any other weekend of the year, this would just be another horny hook-up – something that seemed like an awesome idea when Mr. Hottie was sucking and nibbling on your neck.

But yet again, V-D weekend rears its ugly head and our boy-wonder convinces himself that this could be more. Mr. Love-at-First-Night stares defiantly into the crowd of sweaty, intoxicated men and whispers, “This could be the first fuck…of the rest of our lives!!”

Even his BFF-wing-man gives him a squeeze on the shoulder saying something like, “That’s beautiful, man!”

They each stand there imagining his walk down the aisle and softly, simultaneously sigh. It’s that rare event when all the wrong stars align and something he’d normally view as only being about sex gets twisted around in his brain into this thing it was never meant to be.

Personally, I’ve never been one who got off on the whole anonymous, one-night-stand kinda sex. I didn’t exactly hate it, either. But much like that second piece of pie I thought was a really great idea a month or so ago, it usually leaves me with feelings of regret as opposed to an after-glow. That’s not to say that I judge anyone who does. If you like it and it feels good, and you aren’t hurting anyone – then go for it. Screw yourselves silly and more power to you! I’ve never been the type to pee all over anyone else’s good time – though I will refuse to pee on them in order to provide them a good time. I gotta draw the line somewhere, people. Plus, I have a shy bladder. : )

To all of you heading out this weekend with your pack of singles, don’t count on the age-old adage that there’s safety in numbers. Like all of you, I know each one of my besties would drop me like a rock, at the site of the first cock-of-the-walk that struck their fancy. It’s nothing personal, just the law of the homo-jungle that rules the inner beastie in all us boys. So if you find yourself alone at the end of the night, staring longingly into the eyes of a hottie across the bar whose name you later have trouble remembering, then it probably ain’t love. And no…Daddy doesn’t count…unless he tells you his name is Daddy. At which point I’d recommend asking to see his driver’s license. He may have more problems than you’re gonna wanna deal with – even if only for one night.

Love Scenario Number Three: Love at First Sight

This one is for those you fearing the worst – that I’ve been abducted and anal probed by cynical aliens from a galaxy far, far away. I’ve decided to end this post on a more positive note – though it may not seem like it at first. : )

I’ve had two sorts of, Love-at-First-Sight moments in my life. The first happened when I was twenty and in retrospect was actually a little more like lust at first sight. He was the first and only straight guy I’ve ever wanted. That’s not to say I haven’t found any other straight guys attractive, but he was the only one I ever wanted to have sex with. For anyone doubting my sincerity on this one, I don’t know what to tell ya. Knowing a guy will be refusing to admit to having had sex with me the night before is kind of a turn off. But in this particular case, he could have slapped me around and called me Susan for all I cared.

He had a smile that would’ve reduced me to begging. I was in a serious man-heat for a good three months. I followed him around like a lost puppy, and he let me. I think his ego enjoyed the attention. Luckily it all came crashing down when I went to his house one fateful night in order to pick him up so we could go see a movie. He answered the door, towel wrapped and freshly wet from the shower. Taunting me with that visual was just cruel, considering he didn’t invite me in and ask me to lick him dry. It was at that point, my overly heated wires crossed, setting fire to the part of my brain that found him so adorable. We remained friends for a while, but without my rabid-adoration around to self-power our relationship, we eventually drifted apart.

The second time LAFS struck it was even worse, if you can imagine, because this guy, while gay, already had a boyfriend. It was also, in reality, actually more of a love-at-first-banter kind of a thing, but hey – details, schme-tails. He said he couldn’t stand Sarah Jessica Parker which had me gasping in shock as I clutched my pearls. Next thing I knew, we were swapping barbs back and forth and I was imagining what he’d look like between my legs.

Now before you all start grabbing for the torches and pitchforks, let me clear one thing up right now. Other than one long, incredibly awesome kiss…which he totally initiated though I didn’t do anything to stop…nothing happened between me and banter-boy. So relax, and please save the preaching for someone who needs it, ‘cause this Homey-the-homo ain’t no home-wrecker.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t pray every night to all that was gay and holy that banter-boy would wake up already and realize I was the one he was meant to be with. I mean, hello – I totally rock, dude! 😉 I even fantasized about all the under-handed deeds I might institute in order to break them up…

…I couldn’t help myself, I was in love – plus he had an accent, hello! Even all my friends thought we were totally meant for each other!! Either that or they feared I might come unhinged had they dared to disagree. Fortunately for everyone involved, not even love mixed with desperation, managed to sink me low enough to ever do anything other than imagine their relationship going down in flames. He went his way and eventually I tired of pining and went mine.

While it’s true that neither of these particular situations worked out too well for me, the thing I gleaned from each misbegotten experience was the promise of possibility. Our lives – even the love part – can change on a dime. Within an instant, the touch of someone’s hand or the sound of their voice can awaken something inside of us. The way he uncontrollably smiles when his eyes meet yours is all it takes to lift the ho-hum veil of the ordinary, making everything extraordinary. Sure it may not happen often and it doesn’t always work out even when it does, but that old saying about knowledge being power, ain’t no lie. For me at least, the proof that comes from my own experience is every bit as powerful as love itself. I know it’s there and when I least expect it I’ll once again find myself back in those deliciously uncomfortable shoes.

The point of all this, some of you may be wondering, is that this can be a treacherous weekend for those of us who are still looking for love in all the wrong…oh who am I kidding…in any place we can think of. Nevertheless, don’t let the pressure of what you have yet to find, push you into trying to make the wrong thing fit.

While the romantic in me secretly hopes you all find the love of your life over the next few days, for those of us who don’t, be thankful – if for no other reason than NOT being stuck with cheesy-assed Valentine’s Day for your anniversary. “Blech!”

Some one needs to kick Cupid in his chubby little ass and dislodge that arrow he’s been sitting on for much too long…
You know, the one that has your name on it!

Awesome post Ethan. What better time than Valentine’s Day to prove yet again that “Sharing is Caring”. 🙂
Happy Valentine’s Day to one and all. I am off to find that pint sized procrastinator!
Cheers!
CAS

“the thing I gleaned from each misbegotten experience was the promise of possibility..”

Oh yes, isn’t that a great part of life – the possibilities and being open to them? Funny stuff Ethan, but also kinda sweet, you old softie you. 😉

I was talking to a few coworkers today (all straight married people BTW) and not one was celebrating V-Day. I have to agree with them that it’s far more important to feel the love on the other 364 days.

And I had a very similar LAFS experience in my 20’s. This guy was an unrepentant flirt and oh so sexy, and…straight. But that didn’t stop him from flirting outrageously with me. And like your crush Ethan, mine fizzled once I realized that it was never gonna happen. But I learned something valuable from that experience – that I deserved better – and you do too.

I should’ve been a little more specific in my letter to Santa…when asking him to send nine inches my way.

LOL! Aha, so it’s your fault! 😀

I met my husband online, playing a fantasy RPG back in the days before the MMORPGs existed. (Am I the only one who pronounces that “more-pig?” [duck]) We met online around March of ’89, met in realspace over Fourth of July of that same year, and got married in ’96. In modern terms, we’ve been together for like a thousand years or something like that, hee! I was 33 when we got married, sticking it sideways to all the OMG-Statistics!! that say a woman is more likely to be hit by lightning or something than to marry for the first time after age thirty. 😛 We still occasionally have strangers who see us walking down the street or something stop us to ask if we’re newlyweds, so clearly we still have an aura about us. 😀

My husband was 44 when we got married, and had two pretty spectacularly failed marriages behind him at the time. Sometimes it just takes patience or persistence or both. It’s never too late, though — best of luck to everyone who’s still single. {{}}

I have to admit…my SO and I met online (Yahoo personals no less) and we clicked. Friends first then the romance came…five years in April together. 🙂

Though I can agree…this winter SUCKS!! Too cold to do much of anything except watch our breath freeze in mid-air. I still say Jack frost and father winter are having way too much fun this year together. *sighs*

Hi Ethan! So now we know why the weather’s bad in the South. It’s YOUR FAULT! Be more specific with Santa next year jeesh!

Thanks for the post it was enlightening. I’ve been married so long I’m embarrassed or maybe just o..or mature. I thought VDay was the day to prune the roses!!! (Sun. the family knows to show up for pruning duty if they want to eat, wash or watch tv on the BIG screen this year.)

or he’s a greedy man-ho who’s hording all the nine inchers for himself

I was waiting for you to use that phrase in a comment because I knew you couldn’t resist. What did I tell you? Didn’t I say this was not that kind of website (the type where you usually hang out?) The church ladies will be by later today and what am I going to tell them? lol