Your problems answered by YOU relationships expert Zelda West-Meads

My husband had an affair 12 years ago. I have tried to put it behind me but it’s not easy as the woman he had an affair with lives in the same street and is extremely brazen.

I recently heard him on the phone trying to find out if he could leave all our assets to our son when he dies – he does not want me to get anything other than my half of the house. But with nothing else I would have to sell the house to supplement my income and find another job. He often speaks of ruling from the grave.

I have worked incredibly hard building up his business to give our family a better future. Soon he will get a substantial sum from his investments, which he also does not want to share with me. He thinks I am a work horse for his benefit. If I suggest going on holiday he says, ‘Go with someone else.’ He keeps accusing me of wanting a younger man.

I have asked him if he wants a divorce, but he just ignored me. I suspect he has had other affairs and he gets very defensive if I ask him. He knows that I would end the marriage if he had. Do you think he loves money more than me and would leave me penniless?

This may be painful but it’s important to face the harsh reality that sadly your husband no longer loves you. His behaviour is unkind and uncaring, and as he becomes defensive if you ask him if he has had other affairs, it suggests that he has.

It sounds as though he is planning to leave you, although he ignored your question about wanting a divorce. I suspect he does want one and he is ruthlessly trying to protect his assets and does not care if you are left with little or no money.

Staying in this marriage will only make you miserable. I suggest you consult a good divorce solicitor who can stand up to him and make sure you get what you are financially entitled to. I think you need to do this as soon as possible and collect any paperwork that shows where your money and investments are. To find a solicitor visit contactlaw.co.uk.

HIS SUICIDE HAS DESTROYED US

In April last year my 25-year-old son took his own life, which was devastating and we have all been in so much pain. We knew our first Christmas without him was going to be hard.

Then, five days before Christmas, my husband told me he didn’t love me any more. He said he loves me but is not ‘in love’ with me and he wants us to split up. Since then, my feelings have gone from shock to anger to tears. I want to know why but he says he hasn’t thought it through. He wants to see a counsellor on his own to work out what has happened. How do I start to unravel this?

In my opinion there is nothing worse than the death of one’s child, and losing a child through suicide must be agonising. I am so sorry. I think it’s important for your husband to see a counsellor but also to talk to his GP, as following the tragic death of your son he is probably suffering from deep depression. One of the classic symptoms of severe depression is that often you don’t see the point in anything. It is like a black hole with no light at the end. He could be feeling that he has fallen out of love with you or that there is little point to anything, but that could be the depression talking. A combination of antidepressants and counselling could help him understand what is happening.

Then I would recommend joint counselling to see if he really does want to part or whether his feelings have been distorted by your son’s death. A question to ask your husband is: did he feel like this before your son’s death? If not, it’s likely he could still be in love with you but it is buried beneath so much grief.

For further support contact The Compassionate Friends (tcf.org.uk), which is run by bereaved parents, siblings and grandparents.

I'VE NEVER BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP

I am 51 and have never been in a relationship with a woman. I am unemployed at the moment and do not have any close friends. My libido has diminished over the past few years. My GP recommended citalopram for depression. I said I did not need it but would like a referral for counselling as I can’t afford to pay for it privately.

I am optimistic that I can change things for the better. I want to get a job, have a girlfriend and expand my social life. What therapy do you think would be suitable for me?

If you are depressed it can affect your libido but so can medication for depression. Losing your job or money worries can also suppress sexual energy. Or it could be low testosterone levels or diabetes.

I think you would really benefit from counselling. I would suggest either cognitive behavioural therapy or psychodynamic counselling. You need to explore why you have not had a relationship with a woman. Are you shy or nervous about having a sexual relationship? By exploring the reasons hopefully you can find the way to overcome your fears.

To make more friends, try to take up some hobbies locally or do voluntary work while job hunting – totaljobs.com is a good website. You could try internet dating via eharmony.co.uk or match.com. Being optimistic about changing things in your life is a great start.

If you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email z.west-meads@you.co.uk. Zelda reads all your letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally