Subject:I realized why I've never had a girlfriend...

Turns out for nearly 23 years (well really, more like 10 lol) I was a sufferer of "Nice Guy" syndrome.

http://www.shakesville.com/2007/12/explainer-what-is-nice-guy.html

Now, I quote that, 'nice guy'. While I've never been a self-styled "nice guy" in the sense I tell people I'm a 'nice guy', I sort of convinced myself that I was 'nice' and that the women I liked were attracted to 'jerks' and I wondered why they didn't want me when I dug them so much. I thought that because I liked a girl, and treated them well, they'd eventually feel the same way. I never was primarily interested in sex, in fact that was completely secondary to just having a significant other and doing all those romantic cheesy lovey-dovey things.

You know what though? I realized something. Women want men for the same reasons men want women. They want someone who has a personality they dig AND someone who is physically attractive. They don't have to be an underwear model or a beach bum but they need to be at least average looking and have a good personality to boot, and their looks and demeanor have to appeal to them.

And the thing is, I'm socially awkward and I am 50 pounds overweight. I do think I'm a genuinely nice/caring person, but that's no reason at all to expect someone of the opposite (or same) sex to like you romantically. There has to be that physical connection, I know it sounds cruel but being nice just isn't enough and we should be honest to ourselves and admit this. I couldn't be with a woman who I wasn't physically attracted to at least a little bit. I'd date an overweight woman or a woman with bad teeth, if I found them cute in their own way. But I couldn't be with someone I was completely repulsed by physically or even someone who was alright but just not that cute to me.

It would be not only unfair to me but unfair to them, because they deserve someone who is sexually attracted to them. Why should I expect it of a woman? I shouldn't, because that's hypocritical.

That doesn't mean that there isn't a woman on the planet who wouldn't find me attractive, because I'm not horribly ugly or extremely obese and some people really do value personality vastly above looks, but I no longer selfishly expect women I like to return the favor. I feel like that was a horrible mistake I made, and I'm heaven-bent on never making that mistake again. And there actually are women in my life who express interest in me, but I never felt much of it back or cared much because I was so set on being with a certain woman.

Looking back I saw myself as being a gift to a special someone. I wanted a princess, someone to dote upon and someone who would love me unconditionally and I would love them in return just as strongly. And I still do want those things, but I'm never going to expect someone who isn't into me from the onset to fill that role. I'm not going to hook on to a certain woman like a barnacle again. Because not only do I think my habit of doing that stressed them, but it also stressed me. It made me feel desperate, inadequate, miserable, and ugly, and it probably made them feel uncomfortable, upset, and possibly even resentful.

The reality is relationships are two way streets, they are imperfect and while they can be beautiful, you should never expect anyone to be in one with you, because such a thing is something that can never be 'owed' to somebody, no matter how much they listen to their problems, or dote upon them, or whatever.

Is anyone else a former 'nice guy' and realized what a jack*ss they were being and decided they were going to be different? I feel like a great weight is lifted off my shoulders. I no longer feel doomed to fall in love with unattainable, popular, supermodel-hot girls and I feel ready to hope for something more realistic and hopefully, someone that is actually more compatible with me and not someone who I project a false, perfect image of that is unlike their real self. I also feel more happy being single, I don't feel incomplete, now I simply feel like having a girlfriend would be a bonus but I'm still a whole human being solo and I'm still young and there is still time.

Subject:Re: I realized why I've never had a girlfriend...

Written By:danootaandmeon11/22/12 at 4:27 pm

I was gonna write something, but you said it all. :)

Subject:Re: I realized why I've never had a girlfriend...

Written By:MaxwellSmarton11/26/12 at 12:15 am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3nk1MdWTeao

Subject:Re: I realized why I've never had a girlfriend...

Written By:Foo Baron11/28/12 at 8:43 pm

I was gonna write something, but you said it all. :)

Yeah, that.

http://30.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lrskhrpOs21qcz3izo1_500.png

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/friends.png

If that's you, good on you for figuring it out when you did!

Subject:Re: I realized why I've never had a girlfriend...

Written By:bookmistress4everon11/28/12 at 8:57 pm

Those are awesome, Foo.

Subject:Re: I realized why I've never had a girlfriend...

Written By:belmont22on11/29/12 at 1:36 am

Realizing this has made me so liberated. I'm still so young, there is still time. I'm in a better place than someone with a bunch of crappy dead end relationships behind them or someone who got a bunch of STDs or knocked a girl up in high school.

Subject:Re: I realized why I've never had a girlfriend...

Written By:MaxwellSmarton11/30/12 at 8:51 pm

Always remember, not every girlfriend is worth having.

Subject:Re: I realized why I've never had a girlfriend...

Written By:Dagwoodon12/01/12 at 9:02 am

Always remember, not every girlfriend is worth having.

Good point

It goes both ways. It is better to be alone and happy than with someone who makes you miserable just to be with someone.

Subject:Re: I realized why I've never had a girlfriend...

Written By:Foo Baron12/02/12 at 1:23 am

It goes both ways. It is better to be alone and happy than with someone who makes you miserable just to be with someone.

Being quirkyalone has even become downright fashionable lately.

Subject:Re: I realized why I've never had a girlfriend...

Written By:Howardon12/12/12 at 7:04 am

I had girlfriends but they all turned their backs on me! >:(

Subject:Re: I realized why I've never had a girlfriend...

Written By:Foo Baron12/12/12 at 9:20 pm

I had girlfriends but they all turned their backs on me! >:(

http://img484.imageshack.us/img484/1268/buttsecks2ie8.jpg

Welcome back :)

Subject:Re: I realized why I've never had a girlfriend...

Written By:Bobbyon02/01/13 at 8:48 pm

Hi belmont22,

One of the things we genders have to realise is essentially, deep down, men want a woman who is a woman and women want men who are men. Ask yourself this? Do you want a woman who spits on the floor, scratches her crotch, talks like a sailor, fixes the car and smacks your arse on the way to the shops? I doubt it.

In general, women don't want men who act like women. They don't really want men who cry watching Dirty Dancing, love crochet, get obsessed about their clothing/appearance or have long conversations about their hormones.

As for this what you think women want, that is another problem. Men try to assume they know what a woman wants instead of actually finding out for themselves or simply asking her straight out.

Another thing I have learned is when a woman says she wants a romantic man she is not telling you the whole truth. She is also saying; "I want a romantic man...who is fit, handsome, has a well paid job/own business, has his own life in order, knows what he wants and goes out and gets it".

Who can blame them? Men often want a woman with a nice butt, pair of legs and boobs who can make them a decent sandwich. ;D

Subject:Re: I realized why I've never had a girlfriend...

Written By:MaxwellSmarton02/01/13 at 10:32 pm

I had girlfriends but they all turned their backs on me! >:(

Not always a bad thing! ;)

Subject:Re: I realized why I've never had a girlfriend...

Written By:Howardon02/02/13 at 7:07 am

Who can blame them? Men often want a woman with a nice butt, pair of legs and boobs who can make them a decent sandwich.