Vicious Cycles

This is strictly for those who live in the city and have to put up with this nonsense, but Christ, I’ve had it with people riding bikes around like they’re real vehicles. They’re not. Is there anything more obnoxious than driving down a busy street and getting stuck behind some cockrag on a goddamn Royce Union?

“You’re not a car!” I scream from the rooftops.

“Hey man, my bike is a 10-speed!”

Shut the fuck up.

In the interest of full disclosure, I used to ride a bike. Then I got a driver’s license. So the way I saw it, I was done with bikes. Now that I’m old enough to bang girls, I don’t continue to stick my penis in the dog. It’s all about progress.

“Suddenly we're opening the floodgates. If we let bikes on the roads, how about scooters? Pogo-sticks? Pogo-balls?”

How do I hate people who ride bikes around like it’s a car? Let me count the ways:

1. It makes you look like a douche.

Bikes are like minivans and fat chicks: there’s no possible way to look cool riding one. And for all you guys who ride bikes round, listen up…

Heterosexual males want to get laid by females, right? Okay, well I surveyed 100 women and asked them who they’d rather bang over a guy riding a bike. The answers might shock you, but women would rather bend over for rodeo clowns, Pedro’s midget friend, guys who start Lord of the Rings Facebook groups, Hideki Matsui, the fat gay guy from The Sopranos, and the guy who dances to the Venga Boys in those Six Flags commercials.

Wow.

Now granted, I didn’t ask any girls anything so it’s hard to say how scientific my survey is. With that said, if you ride a bike, girls won’t bang you. Just trust me. To paraphrase George Costanza, I know less about women…than anyone in the world, but I know this.

2. Just drive a car.

Don’t give me that whole conserving gas argument. We’re not going to run out of gasoline. And global warming is just a conspiracy to take your minds off the unjust war we’re fighting (I read that somewhere). I realize bikes are cheaper and don’t use gas and give you good cardio, but you look like a douche. You can’t even pick up a girl on a bike. Where’s she going to sit? On the pegs? Why do you even have pegs, Dave Mirra? God you’re such a cocksmoker.

Seriously, if Brad Pitt was on a bike and Ugly Justin drove a car and we both tried picking up some broad, I guarantee she’d kick Brad Pitt to the curb and settle for a life of sexual dissatisfaction with me. That’s how gay bikes are.

3. The physics are all off.

How fast can you honestly ride a bike? 20 mph? 25 mph? Meanwhile, the average adult white male with a manhood problem drives 106 mph. You’re slowing traffic down! And in Boston, where I was once yelled at by a truck driver for crossing the street in a crosswalk with a red light and the WALK signal, that’s bad for business.

See, that’s how I look at it, if you’re vehicle is too slow to keep up with traffic, then you shouldn’t be on the road. And furthermore, where does it end? You know that argument people have against gay marriage that if we let gays marry, suddenly we’re opening the floodgates and we’re going to have to allow all sorts of incest and bestiality to be recognized? That’s how I feel about bikes. If we let bikes on the roads, how about scooters? Pogo-sticks? Pogo-balls? (You remember Pogo-balls, don’t front.)

4. Again, you’re not a car.

And if I want to cross the street, and real cars and trucks are nowhere in sight, I’m fucking crossing. You can’t stop me. If I see you, I’m not stopping. You should have to stop for me. And you may be thinking, “Gosh that’s awful ignorant of you, Justin,” and you think wrong. Why? Because why do you stop for cars? Easy, because cars can fucking kill you. A bike cannot. In fact, if Joe Schwinnfucker nailed me with his bike, he’d more likely be hurt than I. Think about it. At worst, I’ll be knocked over, mildly inconvenienced, probably drop my Snapple. You’re going to fly off a bike doing 20 mph. You’re probably going to over the handlebars. Probably into a pile of broken glass. I don’t care how many helmets or elbow pads you’ve got on; that’s going to hurt like a sonofabitch.

19 Comments

Excellent article as always, but the bit about you not being hurt if you got a smack of a cyclist doing 20 mph? er ... there was a person killed here in Dublin, Ireland after being hit by a cyclist ... so be careful man!

I just want to say thank you so much for writing this article. I live in Santa Cruz, CA because I attend UCSC and bikes seem to rule the streets. They act like they're cars yet they blow through stop signs and pull loads of other shit that would get the driver of a car pulled over in a heartbeat. I hate them with a burning passion, glad to know I'm not alone. I really believe Santa Cruz is the epicenter for the hippie bike-hugging movement going on which makes me want to buy a Hummer to piss them off (and run over them with). Again, amazing article dude.

wow, this is perhaps the funniest thing i have ever read in my entire life ever. the penis in dog joke almost made me die from choking of laughter. you are my hero, and i really hope you get paid for doing this cuz otherwise ur getting robbed. reading over this it might seem sarcastic but its not, funny stuff. keep up the good work. and i ride my bike but on the sidewalk never in the street, cuz i dont drive yet. but still, funny stuff

I live in Amsterdam and (aside from this stating the obvious to most non-Dutch people) - around these parts, bikes signify the opposite of what they do in the states, I suppose.... If you come on over some time I'll show you what I mean! :-)

I don't drive around much because I don't own a car (yet) and because I don't need to. Thank God, London has a fantastic public transport system. Without the Tube I'd be screwed. I might have to ride my bike to college otherwise.

Being from a big city, I have two road pet peeves: 1)People who think that pedestrians ALWAYS have the right away (Only in crosswalks. If you jaywalk, I have no desire to slam on my brakes.) 2)People who ride bikes on the road but then dont think they have to follow traffic signals. Are you kidding? Dont tell me I have to "share the road" with you but you get different rules. If we get to make up our own rules, I'm making it legal to run over bikers.

"If we let bikes on the roads, how about scooters? Pogo-sticks? Pogo-balls?"

Hilarious. Your a genious. I couldn't agree more. This just happened to me a couple days ago and I was actually tempted to run all 30 of them over. Not one of them thought twice about helping me out. What happened to yielding to the big bad car that can kill you?

I would also like to add, when I was a kid and riding my bike and I heard a car coming.. I was taught to stop, get off my bike and wait for the car to pass and give him the right away because quite frankly I didn't want to die.

Damn straight man, I have this asswipe at my school who is really into fitness who feels the need to ask me every fucking day why I drive when I live on campus. Because my car has AIR CONDITIONING you douche

Is this in reference to the sorry display on Newbury Street a few weeks ago when hundreds of bikers rode around chanting, "Who's Streets?! Our Streets!" Because it made me want to throw a stick in the spokes of every bike there.