Survivors of suicide loss break silence to address painful topic

Kim and Tony Rogers are pictued with their dog Harley, who originally belonged to their late son Myles, who died by suicide in 2010. Immediately after Myles’ suicide, Kim recalled that she would walk Harley for up to 7 miles a day as a way to cope with the loss of her son. Photos by Theresa Laurence

When Kim Rogers talks about her late son Myles, she recalls that he was a “fun kid, smart, good looking.” He was captain of the football team at Pope John Paul II High School, where he was a member of the school’s second graduating class in 2006. “He was a good kid,” she says, her tentative smile wavering. “He was a kid,” she repeats. A “kid” whose life was cut short by suicide six years ago.

Losing a child “is like losing an appendage of your body,” said Kim, who always tries to wear a piece of jewelry with an “M” engraved on it, in honor of Myles, who died by suicide less than a month after his 22nd birthday. “You have to learn to do everything again … to be somebody without him.”

“When you’ve had the rug ripped out from under you, you’re a work in progress at all times,” said Tony Rogers, Kim’s husband.

The pain is not as intense now as it was six years ago, but “you don’t ever get over it,” Kim said of losing her son. “You get more comfortable with being there.”

Today, all too many parents are there with the Rogers, forever grieving the loss of a son or daughter who died by suicide. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people ages 15-24, and an average of 117 Americans die by suicide every day, according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. There have been a number of suicides within the Middle Tennessee Catholic community in recent years, and now more survivors, parishes and schools are working to break the silence surrounding this tragedy by ramping up suicide prevention efforts.

Tony Rogers holds a photo of his late son Myles, who graduated from Pope John Paul II High School in 2006 and took his own life in 2010, at age 22. Rogers keeps the photo in his wallet at all times.

“Life is messy at times and these are uncomfortable subjects but we no longer can ignore them,” said Bob Forster, a parishioner at Holy Family Church in Brentwood who lost a brother to suicide in 2009 and who struggled with suicidal thoughts himself as a teenager. Forster spoke at a recent panel discussion on suicide hosted by Holy Family, and is eager to share his experience with a wider audience. “I’m willing to go through the pain and the vulnerability because we’ve got to get it out in the open.”

It can be difficult to crack open the subject of suicide, but having a conversation about it can be an important prevention tool, experts say. “Talk saves lives,” according to Kat Cloud, Tennessee Area Director of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. The AFSP is one of several non-profit organizations that offer school and community-based suicide prevention programs in Middle Tennessee.

Another is the Jason Foundation, started by Hendersonville resident Clark Flatt, who lost his 16-year-old son to suicide in 1997. “We were an all-American type of family,” Flatt said, and his youngest son Jason’s suicide came as a shock. “We want to blame it on a trigger event, but it goes much deeper than that.”

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, as many as 90 percent of teens and young adults who die by suicide have an underlying mental illness, although sometimes it goes undiagnosed until it’s too late.

Holy Family parishioner Bob Forster stands in front of a painting by his late brother Paul Forster, who died by suicide in 2009, and holds a photo of his brother’s family, which includes his seven children. Bob Forster struggled with suicidal thoughts himself as a high school student and is now seeking a more active role in public dialogue about suicide. Photo by Theresa Laurence

Looking back, Flatt said, maybe he should have picked up on some warning signs, but, “after a suicide it’s hard to piece together” the complex combination of factors that led to that final act.

Six years after their son Myles’ death, the Rogers don’t know all the details surrounding his last days and weeks, or exactly what led him to the tragic decision to take his own life. “I didn’t have the tenacity to go down that road,” Kim Rogers said, speaking through tears as she reflected on her son’s suicide. “It wasn’t going to change the outcome.” It was all she could do to “get up and put my feet down on the ground every day” to keep going, she said.

In the months leading up to his death, in the spring of 2010, Myles was a 22-year-old University of Tennessee student, living with friends and his dog Harley in Knoxville. As the semester drew to an end, he started experiencing bouts of anxiety and constant trouble sleeping, so he called his parents and told them he needed to come home. “He wouldn’t talk much, but I could see he was struggling bad enough for me to worry,” Kim Rogers said.

Kim and Tony got Myles to see a doctor, who prescribed some medication, but they were still concerned about him, as he seemed to be caught in an acute downward spiral. She recalls telling his doctor, “I feel like the mom waiting to get the call that her son has taken his own life.” She repeated that concern to Myles, who told her that he would never hurt himself.

However, just a few weeks later, the Rogers got the dreaded phone call: Myles was dead, an apparent suicide.

As Kim and Tony reflect on the loss of their son six years later, the emotions can still be raw as they revisit that period of overwhelming grief immediately following Myles’ death. “Emptiness. Helplessness. Hurt, anger, blame,” were among Tony’s initial reactions. “It brought me to my knees.”

While coping with the fallout of his son’s death, Tony was also trying to manage his business, Murphy Produce. “It was very tough to run a business,” to make sound decisions and manage employees, he said, and ultimately, he decided to sell the business.

What got the couple through that initial dark time was “us, together,” Tony said. “We were inseparable.” Kim added that while it was difficult to deal with other family members’ grief, she clung to her husband. Losing a child to suicide, she said, “put us in a boat together.”

Kim also found solace in walking Myles’ dog Harley, and in reading books, one about surviving the suicide of a loved one, another about heaven. “I know Myles is in heaven,” she said. “I comforted myself with thoughts of heaven.”

The Rogers tried attending some support groups, but decided it was not helpful for them to re-live the grief over and over. “It was like yanking the Band-Aid off and bleeding again,” Kim said.

Eventually, Tony said, “you do laugh again…slowly, surely, time heals the body and the brain.”

In addition to leaning on each other and getting support from their network of friends and family, the Rogers found healing by participating in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s annual Out of the Darkness walk. Kim, Tony and/or their son Kyle have participated in the walk every year since 2011; last year for the fifth anniversary of Myles’ death, the family raised thousands of dollars for the AFSP in his memory.

The walk brings together and connects a wide swath people who have been affected by suicide in some way. “It’s a really hopeful thing to see that many people come together,” said Cloud.

“We are making progress” in suicide prevention efforts and becoming more comfortable having conversations about suicide, Cloud said, “but we still have a far way to go.”

Through their school programs, AFSP focuses on early-intervention mental health care as a tool for suicide prevention. “We have to make sure we take care of our mental health like our physical health,” Cloud said. The mental health resources are out there, she said, especially in Davidson and Williamson counties, but people have to take action to utilize them.

Channeling grief to help others

At the time of Jason Flatt’s death in 1997, there was much less awareness of mental health and suicide risks among teens. School and community presentations on these topics were rare; people were not raising their voices on these issues like today. “If I had gone to a parent seminar (on suicide prevention) my son might be alive today,” Flatt said.

After his son’s death, Flatt wanted to do something, so he channeled his grief into starting the Hendersonville-based Jason Foundation, focused on youth suicide prevention. “Jason Foundation was my therapy,” Flatt said.

Since 1997, the organization has grown exponentially, and now has offices all across the country, offering school-based suicide prevention curriculum and teacher training. The website, www.jasonfoundation.com, offers extensive resources about youth suicide; The Jason Foundation also offers the app “A Friend Asks,” which lists warning signs and tips about how to help. Still, Flatt said, “we are small compared to the problem.”

According to the Centers for Disease control, more teenagers and young adults die every year from suicide than from cancer, heart disease, AIDS and birth defects, combined. Each day in the U.S. there are an average of more than 5,240 suicide attempts by young people in grades 7-12.

Rather than “getting lost in the vastness of the problem,” Flatt said, he chooses to focus on successes The Jason Foundation has had in presenting to students and educators. Flatt’s organization has also helped pass legislation mandating youth suicide prevention training for teachers in 19 states. The nation’s first “Jason Flatt Act” passed in Tennessee in 2007, requiring all educators in the state to complete two hours of youth suicide awareness and prevention training each year in order maintain their teaching license.

The Jason Foundation’s suicide prevention curriculum is taught in both diocesan high schools, Father Ryan and Pope John Paul II, and the Jason Foundation has had a close partnership with JPII in recent years, offering presentations at the school and benefitting from fundraisers held by the school community.

When Cloud makes presentations, whether in schools, to parents, police officers, or ministers, “the biggest takeaway … is that in general these presentations empower people to look for signs and be able to ask questions and have the tools and resources to get a person the help they need.” She cited an example of a minister who had recently received the training and was approached by someone for counseling. Before the training, the minister told her, he might have simply prayed with the person. Instead, he was prepared to better pinpoint the person’s needs and get them concrete help right away.

If a parent or peer notices warning signs of suicide, such as failure to cope with a recent breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend, withdrawing from normal activities, increased use of drugs and/or alcohol, or giving away prized possessions, “start a conversation,” Cloud said. “Ask direct questions and be prepared to seek help.”

Asking a friend if they are having suicidal thoughts “will not put the idea in their head,” Flatt said. “If you see warning signs, you need to take that seriously.”

Flatt acknowledges such a conversation can be difficult and uncomfortable. “It’s scary to ask those questions,” he said. But, “you can be part of the team to get that person professional help.”

The more community dialogue about mental health and suicide awareness takes place, whether in a large group setting or one-on-one, “we’re going to be a healthier society,” Flatt said.

Flatt is encouraged by the progress he’s seen regarding mental health and suicide since he was thrust into the conversation 19 years ago. Today, he said, parents and teachers are taking more seriously the warning signs of depression in young people and recognizing the pressure they are under: to get better grades, to stay competitive in athletics, to have an active social life. “The pressure on our young people is not getting any less,” Flatt said. “We can … teach young people to do a better job coping with that pressure.”

Under pressure

Holy Family’s Bob Forster, who experienced suicidal thoughts as a teenager and survived the loss of his brother to suicide, knows how important it is for parents to be attuned to the pressures facing their children.

Growing up in an alcoholic home, Forster’s childhood was marked by regimentation and unrealistic expectations, so he and his wife Helen made a concerted effort to foster more openness and flexibility with their three children. “As parents, we have to help kids evolve to what they are intended to be,” Forster said.

When his daughter Grace went off to study marine biology in Mobile, Alabama, in the fall of 2014, far from her traditional support networks and encumbered with a tough course load, “it was constant pressure and she didn’t have any release,” Forster said. When he visited his daughter shortly before exam time, “it was obvious … she had lost her confidence,” Forster said. “She was overwhelmed.”

The Forsters encouraged Grace to get counseling and to stay home for the spring semester. “There is a stigma around acknowledging depression, but not in our family,” Forster said. Since Grace took a step back from her studies to focus on self-care, she was able to overcome what appears to be a short-term bout with depression, Forster said.

Grace, who has been outspoken about her struggles, has since returned to Mobile and is on track with her studies, equipped with the necessary tools to be pro-active in addressing the stressors in her life. “I think everyone encounters bumps in the road, and depending on their surroundings and the expectations of others, it can be a short-term dilemma or it can escalate into a more challenging scenario,” Forster said.

“I’m not sure we have an idea of how much pressure these young people are under,” Forster said, but it is real, and it can have serious consequences. “We’ve got to give kids things where they can have fun,” he said, free from competition and comparison to others. To this end, he helped start a Venture Crew outdoor activity club at St. Cecilia Academy, where his daughter attended high school. He also mentors in his parish by serving as a Scout leader and Mission Honduras volunteer. “Kids need to be positively reinforced,” he said. “We need to meet them where they are.”

Everyone, but young people especially, “have to be careful of who they allow to be the scorekeeper in their lives,” Forster said. “There’s only one scorekeeper, and that’s the Holy Spirit.”