Q&A for Teens: My Lousy Little Life

How to deal with sadness.

Life just seems so hard. Sometimes I get so sad about the whole thing—my lousy little life. Any advice?

It’s hard for me to answer your question without more details about what, exactly, you don’t like, why you don’t like it, and how it makes you feel, etc., but what I love about your question is that it’s general enough to help lots and lots of people who read this column, because my answer can be general enough to cover the many reasons we all can and do feel lousy about the miserable parts of our lives.

That’s the first part of my answer to you, by the way: anyone whose eyes are reading this has felt exactly as you do at one point or another in their own lives, or at many points, consistently, throughout their lives. There’s no other way to put it: life is hard. And we all have parts of our lives we don’t like.

When my clients tell me, “I’m depressed because I don’t have kids yet,” or “I’m depressed because I have so many people to take care of and not enough time to care for them all properly,” or “I’m depressed because my parents are so cold towards me,” or “I’m depressed because my parents are so in my face all the time,” the very first thing I say to them is: “Okay, so you’re sad. It’s okay to be sad. Sometimes we, as human beings, will be sad. And this is one of those times. Accept that sadness. Say to yourself, ‘The sadness feels yucky. But the sadness isn’t bad. The sadness is just sadness, and right now I feel sad. Okay, so I feel sad.’ Accepting the sadness as part of your life now, instead of trying to fight it or ignore it or shove it under the proverbial rug will lift part of the burden off your shoulders. So you feel sad; welcome to the human condition. The sadness feels yucky, but it’s not bad. It’s telling you something.”

That’s the second part: the sadness is telling you that something, maybe, should change. This is where you get to do some creative thinking about your life and your relationships. Sometimes, you can change the situation. Sometimes the situation is unchangeable, and only your attitude is within your purview of influence.

As much as none of us enjoys the difficult aspects of each of our lives, I think the parts which make us sad probably make us grow. They make us stop and think, “What could I be doing better which could, possibly, make this difficulty abate? Is there something I can change in me which will help me weather this storm better? Is there something I should change in me which will change the situation? What is the reason for my sadness, and how can I make it change?”

We can learn a tremendous amount from the world around us. The other day, I bought a succulent, healthy-looking organic cilantro plant. Any of you who also love cilantro (and I know people either love it or absolutely detest it) know that a small pot of the herb won’t thrive for long indoors; you have to re-pot it outside, in a larger container. I bought it on a Thursday. By Friday afternoon, Mr. Cilantro Plant was lookin’ kinda droopy. So, ten minutes before sundown on Friday, in the middle of a downpour, I yanked on my rain boots, grabbed a kitchen spoon, dashed outside, quickly dug a hole in the messy dirt, and stuck my little plant friend in, confident it would grow, thrive, and blossom.

As I worked like a dog (literally, I felt like a dog digging a hole and burying my bone), it occurred to me that we are just like herbs. You stick a beautiful, green, living plant into gross, black, dirty dirt, and that’s what makes it grow. And when it rains and the dirt becomes really icky and sticky and muddy, that waters the plant and nourishes it and gives it life.

The sad parts, the messy parts of life, are not bad. They’re there to make us grow.

Of course, if you feel sad most of the time, and it’s been going on for a couple of weeks or more, you may have depression. Depression is a medical issue, much like having a headache or having a sprained arm. If you have a headache, taking Tylenol is reasonable, rational, and normal. If you have a sprained arm, going to the doctor to have him or her examine it, and wearing a sling or a brace are reasonable, rational, normal steps to take. Similarly, with depression, a medical issue, going to a medical doctor is completely normal and a very good idea. The doctor can assess whether you just need to talk to someone (like me – not a scary idea, at all. I promise!), or whether medicine might make you feel better.

Sometimes my clients who have the symptoms of depression are afraid to take medicine or to see a physician. I explain to them that going to the doctor about depression—about pain in your emotions—is like going to the doctor when you have persistent stomach pains, or recurring ear infections, or a sore throat. And taking medicine is like taking medicine for any other medical issue; would you not take antibiotics if you had strep? Would you refuse chemotherapy for cancer?

If your sadness is deeper and more intense than “just regular sadness,” then one very important point is this: you must tell a trusted adult right away if you ever feel like you want to hurt yourself in any way. And you must also contact a qualified mental health professional (a social worker, a psychologist, a psychiatrist) for treatment. Promise me that!

Whether you’re actually depressed, or just have the regular sadness that all humans get, I have another question for you: what do you love doing? What do you really, passionately, love doing? If your answer is “Nothing,” then I’ll tell you: “Find something!” Find something that makes you feel alive, energized, and happy. And do more of that. Find 20 things that make you feel alive, energized, and happy, and do them as often as you can.

By the way, if your sadness is true depression, then you might feel like there is nothing in life which can make you happy. Nothing at all you feel you’d like to do. If you feel that way, there’s an absolute, clear clue that you should visit your doctor. Depression feels like all the color in the world just drained out.

As I write these lines, the sun is shining, there’s a soft breeze blowing, the birds are chirping as they assemble their nests, and lovely daffodils have finally pushed their way out of the thawing ground. And for a brief moment, as I take in that scene, I forget about my own personal worries and woes and feel uplifted, hopeful, even inspired. We all have woes and worries. That’s the package God gives us with the gift of life. But there are also small and large moments of grace and light that come with the deal. Notice those. Really revel in those. And use the inertia of those high notes to help you swing through the rest of the cycle, when the pendulum inevitably plummets.

About the Author

Lauren Roth, MSW, LSW, is a graduate of Princeton University, and an inspirational speaker across North America and on the high seas. Mrs. Roth and her husband, Rabbi Dr. Daniel Roth, are the parents of six children.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 4

(3)
Anonymous,
July 22, 2014 10:40 PM

Thank you

I hate vacation because i don't have any siblings close to me in age and i don't do anything fun and usually get very bored and depressed. this year i decided it would be different and plan on making a calendar with something to do each day because if not i am just too bored! sadness is something i feel a lot just because i hate some things in my life and that is why i really like your articles dr lauren because you speak to ME. thank you.

(2)
Ben,
April 15, 2012 5:50 PM

Sadness is a reality, not simply "depression"

It is incorrect and simplistic to attribute sadness and similar hopelss feelings to depression - needing medical advice. More often then not, these feelings are the very real and valid experiences of the sufferer- and should never be trivialised by those "therapists" , doctors and friends. Those who are sad are entitled to their feelings! Address the feeling directly and do not deny their reality!!!

Basya,
April 29, 2012 9:42 AM

Did you read the whole article?

It sounds as though you are responding to half the article. The author talks about sadness and real valid experiences and so on and absolutely says that a person is entitled to those feelings! She talks about how do cope with them. Only then does she talk about depression.
I think you missed something -- maybe read the article again.

(1)
Miriam,
April 1, 2012 8:37 PM

What a beautiful article!

Thank you, Dr. Roth!

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This year during Chanukah I will be on a wilderness survival trip, and it will be very difficult to properly celebrate the holiday. I certainty won't be able to bring along a Menorah.

So if I am going to celebrate only one day of Chanukah, which is the most significant?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

If a person can only celebrate one day of Chanukah, he should celebrate the first day.

This is similar to a case where a person is in prison, and the authorities agree to permit him to go to synagogue one day. The law is that he should go at the first opportunity, and not wait for a more important day like the High Holidays.

The reason is because one should not allow the opportunity of a mitzvah to pass. Moreover, it is quite conceivable that circumstances will later change and allow for additional observance. Therefore, we do not let the first chance pass. (Sources: Code of Jewish Law OC 90, Mishnah Berurah 28.)

As an important aside, Chanukah candles must be lit in (or at the entrance to) a home rather than out of doors. Thus, you should not light in actual "wilderness," but only after you've pitched your tent for the night.

There may be another reason why the first night is the one to focus on. Chanukah is celebrated for eight days to commemorate the one-day supply of oil that miraculously burned for eight days. But if you think about it, since there was enough oil to burn naturally for one night, nothing miraculous happened on that first night! So why shouldn't Chanukah be just seven days?!

There are many wonderful answers given to this question, highlighting the special aspect of the first day. Here are a few:

1) True, the miracle of the oil did not begin until the second day, and lasted for only seven days. But the Sages designated the first day of Chanukah in commemoration of the miraculous military victory.

2) Having returned to the Temple and found it in shambles, the Jews had no logical reason to think they would find any pure oil. The fact that the Maccabees didn't give up hope, and then actually found any pure oil at all, is in itself a miracle.

3) The Sages chose Chanukah, a festival that revolves around oil's ability to burn, as the time to teach the fundamental truth that even so-called "natural" events take place only because God wants them to.

The Talmudic Sage Rabbi Chanina Ben Dosa expressed this truth in explaining a miracle that occurred in his own home. Once, his daughter realized that she had lit the Shabbos candles with vinegar instead of oil. Rabbi Chanina calmed her, saying, "Why are you concerned! The One Who commanded oil to burn, can also command vinegar to burn!" The Talmud goes on to say that those Shabbos lights burned bright for many hours (Taanit 25a).

To drive this truth home, the Sages decreed that Chanukah be observed for eight days: The last seven to commemorate the miracle of the Menorah, and the first to remind us that even the “normal” burning of oil is only in obedience to God's wish.

In closing, I'm not sure what's stopping you from celebrating more than one day? At a minimum, you can light one candle sometime during the evening, and that fulfills the mitzvah of Chanukah - no “official Menorah” necessary. With so much joy to be had, why limit yourself to one night only?!

In 165 BCE, the Maccabees defeated the Greek army and rededicated the Holy Temple in Jerusalem. Finding only one jar of pure oil, they lit the Menorah, which miraculously burned for eight days. Also on this day -- 1,100 years earlier -- Moses and the Jewish people completed construction of the Tabernacle, the portable sanctuary that accompanied them during 40 years of wandering in the desert. The Tabernacle was not dedicated, however, for another three months; tradition says that the day of Kislev 25 was then "compensated" centuries later -- when the miracle of Chanukah occurred and the Temple was rededicated. Today, Jews around the world light a Chanukah menorah, to commemorate the miracle of the oil, and its message that continues to illuminate our lives today.

A person who utilizes suffering to arouse himself in spiritual matters will find consolation. He will recognize that even though the suffering was difficult for him, it nevertheless helped him for eternity.

When you see yourself growing spiritually through your suffering, you will even be able to feel joy because of that suffering.

They established these eight days of Chanukah to give thanks and praise to Your great Name(Siddur).

Jewish history is replete with miracles that transcend the miracle of the Menorah. Why is the latter so prominently celebrated while the others are relegated to relative obscurity?

Perhaps the reason is that most other miracles were Divinely initiated; i.e. God intervened to suspend the laws of nature in order to save His people from calamity.

The miracle of the Menorah was something different. Having defeated the Seleucid Greek invaders, the triumphant Jews entered the Sanctuary. There they found that they could light the Menorah for only one day, due to a lack of undefiled oil. Further, they had no chance of replenishing the supply for eight days. They did light the Menorah anyway, reasoning that it was best to do what was within their ability to do and to postpone worrying about the next day until such worry was appropriate. This decision elicited a Divine response and the Menorah stayed lit for that day and for seven more.

This miracle was thus initiated by the Jews themselves, and the incident was set down as a teaching for all future generations: concentrate your efforts on what you can do, and do it! Leave the rest to God.

While even our best and most sincere efforts do not necessarily bring about miracles, the teaching is nevertheless valid. Even the likelihood of failure in the future should not discourage us from any constructive action that we can take now.

Today I shall...

focus my attention on what it is that I can do now, and do it to the best of my ability.

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