Today I made a very exciting new decision. i’m going to be leaving this horrible town and moving back home earlier than planned. I reserved a Uhaul trailer for the 31st of January. Ill have it for approximately 7 days and hopefully will be able to fit everything into it and make it home in 7 days… if not it will cost me 20 dollars a day past the 7 days. So i’m pretty excited about this new decision. to be finally home will be incredible. that is all for now.

Today I started my “five” day fast… I found out a little about myself today. if I have access to food during a fasting session then there is no way I could possibly continue with the fast. I lasted today until about 5:15pm. at that point the cravings and pure desire to eat food overwhelmed me and i decided to finally use some burgerking gift certificates i had been given a few years ago. so that was the end of that. now i’m at Starbucks drinking a tall caramel macchato with extra Carmel and i’m using my cell phone to get onto the Internet. something that i recently found out that i could do for free! at least i hope its free!

today i had another talk with my brother and he immidiately asked me about my crop dusting idea that lark and i had. so we talked about the logistics of that. suprisingly he was actually open to the idea now. odd! i never expected he would be for one of my crazy ideas. he is still not sure at all what he should be doing. the good news is he has his head on straight. unlike what mom thought he’s not depressed. he’s not anything like that. he just has some serious doubts.

by the way writing like this out of the house is extremely nice! I am very happy to be out of the house.

so cam is thinking of the idea of missionary flying. which could be fun, but honestly I don’t think that fits my personality too much. I have always been not to much for a missionary idea. I just don’t feel that God want me to go that direction.

The idea of doing something with cars together just keeps getting thrown back into my mind. i’m not sure if its because its something that i truly want or if its God. yet another thing i need to pray about. speaking of praying. i need to do that more often.

last night i read a devotional book that i’ve had since rocklin. i opened up to January 18th and to my surprise it was extremely helpful in my current situation. God surely works in mysterious ways.

becoming a worship leader has been on my mind more and more lately. I just hope i can do so with pure intentions. I love leading I love singing, I love playing guitar and unfortunately I love to be known as the worship leader. I used that a lot when i was living in rocklin. all of my friends knew that i used to be a worship leader. I just need to pray that God would take the pride from me. give me pure intentions.

I want so badly for worship and christ to envelop my life again. I am building my library of worship music up again. i need new music to give me motivation.

Again I talked to my brother about all that is going on in his life. so i shared my doubts about being a pilot and it seems he and I are both at similar points in life. we have both jumped head first into something that we thought we loved and got rave reviews from all friends and family. yet when it comes down to the meat and bones of the truth of it all its not all its cracked up to be. I don’t know why sometimes it seems as though God changes his mind on things for us. I know its probably because he needed us there for some reason not known to us but it sure is hard.

I have decided to fast for a week. i dont feel that there is anything better to get me focused on Christ than fasting. something that will force me to put my focus onto him. starting tomorrow I will begin. i’ve never done anything like this before. I am excited and nervous at the same time. i think it would be very nice if i could get away for a while to not be around other people or have responsibilites. when i move home i would love to take a week long camping trip or something of that sort to get me focused back onto God. though if i cant do that then i shouldn’t focus on that being the only thing that will bring me closer to Christ.

I am very proud of myself so far for writing in this blog. i’ve never done anything like this at all. never had a real journal, never written my thoughts like this. i’ve tried doing this to write songs in the past. but never just to write to write and get it off my chest. some place to write without having any reservations. kinda like talking to a dog… no judgments, no comments, nothing.

I really think that i want to do something with my hands. i want to build things. i want to design things. i want to play guitar. i want to lead worship. i want to make money. i want to give gifts. i want to give stuff to people. i want to buy a brand new car and give it to someone. i want to buy a house and give it to someone. i want to buy a guitar and give it to someone. i want to have the gift of giving gifts.

I feel like i’m a thousand miles away from my computer right now. every so often i get this feeling. its like i’m able to zoom into my screen on my laptop or like i’ve been shrunk and i’m looking at my screen and it looks huge. i dont know. i’m weird.

i dont want to be a failure. i want to be successful in my life. i want to help people. i want to bring people to Christ. i want to write music that all people will enjoy and will have a message unlike that of any other song ever written. a music style all of its own. lyrics that will bring people together. a melody that is also unlike any other.

I want to build a car that will be affordable to nearly everyone yet have the performance of the best sports cars in the world. it will be easy to drive, safe and fun. it will be an open wheeled sports car. one with almost no body parts. just chassis and a few pars of fiberglass. the motor will be from a motorcycle and will be extremely reliable, extremely easy to use and extremely powerful.

I would also like to build a motorcycle that has styling unlike any-other. lines that make artist stand back in awe.

I want to build a christian ran company. i want all to know that this is one business that is owned and operated by strong righteous Christians. all who deal with the company will be able to clearly know that there is a difference. there really is something to this business.

this is all i have to write for now. its 1:27 now and i think its time for bed.

there are three letter that when put together spell murder for all of man kind. those three letters are PMS. all men who have girlfriends or wives know that when its that special time of the month to duck hide run and whatever you do don’t do anything that could piss her off. there are those days though when she wakes up right from bed set to make any-ones day that is the least bit happy go to hell. i don’t believe that they knowingly do it. because they claim that they love us yet when it comes down to the act of murdering our happiness they are cold blooded killers. just the thought of talking to them during an bad day makes my stomach turn and puts me into a depressed mood. i’m not sure if I will ever get used to it but if there is ever a cure to pms I swear I will do anything to get my hands on the antidote. because pms is truly the worst disease in this world.

I just talked to my brother. he is having major problems with his naval flight training. today his instructor threatened him with something that would cause him to basically be dropped from the flight program. he is however not sure if he would be completely dropped from the navy or just re assigned. he has never been faced with failing like this. he is trying as hard as he can to learn the things that he is required. but there just seems to be too many things or things keep popping up that he needs to have memorized.
I also am having some major doubts on life and where i want it to take me. physically i know i can follow any of my dreams. but I’ve had so many doubts in the choices that I’ve made.
I have so many ideas but lately some of those ideas have been doubted. my flight idea has all but left me. i have lost all desire to per sue flight as a career. the decision to end flight training was extremely hard because i feel like I’ve given up on that dream and that I’m letting family and friends down. but i just have to focus on the fact that this is my career, its my life, deciding to change careers because I don’t feel like this is still the place that God wants me to be is nothing to be ashamed of. I’m not worried. I know that God will continue to guide me. but sometimes it feels like I’m all alone. i just wish that i could finally find the thing that i will enjoy and will provide for myself and my family. i hope my dreams of building cars or motorcycles or anything else with my hands can come to fruition. that’s all for now. lots on my mind, there is a surprisingly large amount of things going on in my life right now. lots of things to make my stomach turn over just thinking about them.

well, i woke up today at dang 12pm… Kim called me at 9 something this morning on her way to school. but she got off the phone quickly being frustrated because she couldn’t hear me… this frustrated me because she got off the phone so quickly. i thought that she should have tried harder to try to hear me or tell me that she couldn’t hear me. that’s all for now.

ok, well this is my first personal blog. i’m not sure how to make it personal but i figure at least i hope that it will stay private. this is where i’m going to write my thoughts. express my feelings in new ways. get ideas out as they come to me.