The Rambling of a 38 yo Asshat

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately: About my upcoming retirement. About my hunting camp. About my relationship status.

Throughout most of my life I feel I’ve been a decade behind. Most of my thirties I’ve like I was in my twenties, my twenties; well, I was a fucking mess. As I head into the soon coming 40’s, my experience with the blogsphere and the PUA/MRA has left me to thinking a lot about my future. I think I’ve always been sort of a minimalist. When I stumbled upon Dirt Cheap Survival Retreat it just gave me the deepest feeling of tranquility and clarity that I’ve ever felt as I pondered my upcoming retirement. Interestingly enough my Phsyciatrist/Psychologist told me it’s pretty common for most war Vet’s or military guys with PTSD to find comfort in retreating to the woods. So….you know, there’s always that.

As is, I live in a 1900sqft 3 bedroom, 2 bath home in a cushy suburban neighborhood. Since joining the Navy I’ve always rented a home or had an apartment. Since becoming a homeowner, I’ve come to the realization that besides my kitchen, I utilize 10% of the 1900sqft I’m paying for. Most of the shit I’ve “accumulated” over the years is essentially worthless to me (except for the books). My mother told me, “it’s an investment” and in a sense I guess she’s right. After all, she is taking over the mortgage, refinancing it, and plans on renting it out to military families.

Most evenings you’ll find me sitting against my $2400 leather sofa, watching history channel on a 46” Sony, with an English Staffordshire Terrier at my lap. And you know what- I couldn’t be happier. The only regret I have is that I’ve FINALLY realized just how worthless all my “nice shit” really is to me; but is that really a bad thing? I’ve never been married, never fathered a child, and as I sit in my home….alone; I feel complete tranquility. I have to wonder if I’m an anomaly, or a trend? While I wouldn’t MIND being in a relationship, I don’t really feel like I NEED to have one. I mean, I like women…I ADORE women. But I have to honest in my feeling a relationship becomes less and less of a priority. Is age a factor? Has being exposed to the blogs and ingesting the red-pill forged my state of mind?

I’m probably going to get in trouble for this, but fuck it.

There’s a woman I’m interested in. Well I recently made a comment on twitter that (and I don’t blame her) that she’s called me out on. And I’m torn. In one sense, I like the girl…..I really do. But at the same time, if she told me she never wanted to speak to me again: I’d have ZERO problems with it. But, what may be my indifference stems from the fact that I rarely hear from her, and does it really take a tweet about me suggesting to fellow guy blogger I could sleep with a woman that told me she’s engaged to garner some attention from her? And all this despite EVERYTHING I’ve done for her. I don’t think ill of her, no. She’s actually an amazing woman, with a bright future, and a personality I find particularly endearing. But let’s face it, i was shit tested.

But at the same time, I keep feeling the burning feeling of my being best off alone. I read God’s Lonely Man last night. Then read it again. Then thought about my possibly homesteading, about WANTING to homestead. After living as a homeowner the last few years, I really feel as though I’d be much better off with the travel trailer of a few acres in S. La. In regards to girl, is that fair to HER? Oh don’t worry about her; she’s young, VERY pretty, and on her way to graduate school soon. Trust me, girls gonna be just fine.

When my family stayed with me during hurricane Isaac my mom noticed all the books I’ve been reading on raising crops and animals, homesteading, solar power (seriously- I have about 8-9 books dedicated to this shit) and she looked at me and said, “You’re serious about this?” It was then that she knew her son was NOT just having a flight of fancy. This wasn’t some random passing thought. My recent post “The Woe of Women” generated more comments and traffic than ANYTHING I’ve ever “published”. Between the PTSD, the depression that comes with it, understanding of the current state of the SMP, trust me; a travel trailer on 2-5 acres seems like paradise.

I have to wonder if my indifference in relationships (and trust me, I’ve TOLD people I won’t end up in a relationship until after I retire) comes from the reality of the SMP, or my getting older? I certainly have no issues with socializing with women (hell, you’ve read the posts) and the bloggers I know IRL can validate that. But for as long as I can remember, if I wasn’t in relationship…..I was alone. I LIKE being alone. I actually thrive in isolation. I’ve written about it NUMEROUS times before starting the blog, or knowing about the blogsphere. Back in Japan, I took leave for two weeks and realized after 5 days I hadn’t spoken to another human being. Another 4 days passed before I DID interact with another person (in Japanese mind you). And even then, all I did was respond to a typical Japanese greeting with, “O genki desu ka?” (how are you?). I remember telling Beth when we first started that there might be times I just want to be alone and for her to not take it personally; I just need “Danny Time”. Of course, that NEVER happened. Lol.

As I sit in my HUGE house, watching hunting shows, and general non-MSM programs, with Brody sitting next to me; I don’t feel as though I’m missing out on anything. I’ve even quit going to the local. I’m simply finding more and more solace in my own company. Not really a bad thing, right. Though I’m sure my mother frowns upon her possible impending non-fatherhood, monastic as shit son. Lol.

This isn’t some MGTOW diatribe. I’m not shaking my fist at feminists. I can’t pontificate game with the eloquence of Badger, Mentu, TPM, or any of the heavy hitters on the scene. While I feel privileged to call more than one of the bloggers that are MUCH better at this shit than myself friend, I could nuke the site now and never look back.

But I do find a strange satisfaction when I get the occasional email from a reader thanking me for my advice or that they really appreciate some Douche-hat nothing like me and this joke of a “manospehere” blog.

I have NO IDEA what’s going to go down between me and girl. But something tells me, if she’s as smart as I think she is, she’ll choose another. You see, I’ve been through this before. Maybe I was naïve to think this woman knows me well enough to realize I wouldn’t fuck an engaged stripper. Even if I COULD. Even though, I’M SINGLE, and she’s acknowledged we AREN’T a couple….is pretty troublesome. This could prove to be all the validation I need to just throw in the towel all together and enjoy my days of sleeping late and taking Brody for a run. No matter what happens though, you’ll never hear me say a bad thing about her. EVER. And that’s another thing I try and emphasize to guys. Of course that’s when that attitude is plausible. Lol. If she sets your shit on fire, yeah….shame away.

“He knows dark time is flowing by him like a river. The huge, dark wall of loneliness is around him now. It encloses and presses upon him, and he cannot escape. And the cancerous plant of memory is feeding at his entrails, recalling hundreds of forgotten faces and ten thousand vanished days, until all life seems as strange and insubstantial as a dream. Time flows by him like a river, and he waits in his little room like a creature held captive by an evil spell. And he will hear, far off, the murmurous drone of the great earth, and feel that he has been forgotten, that his powers are wasting from him while the river flows, and that his life has come to nothing. He feels that his strength is gone, his power withered, while he sits there drugged and fettered in the prison of his loneliness.

Then suddenly, one day, for no apparent reason, his faith and his belief in life with come back to him in a tidal flood. It will rise up in him with a jubilant and invincible power, bursting a window in the world’s great wall and restoring everything to shapes of deathless brightness. Made miraculously whole and secure himself, he will plunge once more into the triumphant labor of creation. All his old strength is his again: he knows what he knows, he is what he is, and he has found what he has found. And he will say the truth that is in him, speak it even though the whole world deny it, and affirm it though a million men cry out that it is false.

At such a moment of triumphant confidence, with this feeling in me, I dare now assert that I have known Loneliness as well as any man, and will now write of him as if he were my very brother, which he is. I will paint him for you with such fidelity to his true figure that no man who reads will ever doubt his visage when Loneliness comes to him hereafter.”

He then goes on to site the Book of Job as being the best resource on human lonliness. I don’t find sadness in loneliness, in a sense….i find peace in it.

Sorry about this post. This is what happens when you post openly and you’re stuck at a desk for 12 hours. Enjoy the rest of your day. Nothing to see here. Lol.

see. told you. mom saw this an KNEW i was serious. as an INTJ, when a subject captures my attention, i MUST learn everything about i can.

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36 Comments on “The Rambling of a 38 yo Asshat”

Pretty typical isn’t it? Aside from a couple of guys with obvious self-esteem issues (need for validation), I don’t know any guys 35+ who place a high value on women or have any interest in a LTR. i think that need can only be generated by the hormones and naivete unique to young men.

I see plenty here; and its not ramblings. The thoughts of someone who is coming to who he is most comfortable is not ramblings. We each find our own in life, sometimes that changes with the season of life we are in. You know you are about to enter into another season and you are just preparing for it. Thoughts are going to come and go, you’ll hold onto the ones that matter and let the rest just blow by. It’s a good thing.

She’d have to be one hell of a woman. Getting ready to go over to a bud’s house, another no kids never married guy to shoot pool and watch the game. Women really aren’t the most important thing even though THEY THINK SO. The most ironic thing of all though is in this day and time, I have more opportunity to be with any number of them simply because the vibe I put out is complete indifference. You know the drill.

Homesteading will put a man (or a woman) more in touch with humanity, more in touch with the world, than 99% of the rest of us. I am of the opinion that you will find out more about yourself and the world and the people who are around you by working the land than you ever could with you 1,900 sq. foot home and beautiful leather couch. You’re not planning on leaving the world, you planning on becoming part of it. Maybe I am waxing poetic, but that’s how I see it.

Have you looked into the prefab hunting cabins at all? Cabelas used to carry them but I can’t find them now. Anyway, they are small, cozy and a bit more permanent that a trailer.

Second Deti’s comment. Good retirement planning HM1. Only possible downside I see is lack of possible travel opportunities but given your career maybe you have done all the traveling you want to do and don’t need to be a second Roosh. Just keep the damn recipes coming. ST can always find her way to Louisiana.

Could not leave this alone… you ask if just being older, nearing 40 has something to do with your lack of enthusiasm towards marriage. It does, but not in the sense that you’re not ready to settle down.

Getting older does a major number on your willingness to put up with any shit, from any given human being. 40 is just a number, but it’s a LARGER number than 20 or 30. You finally realize you’re nearing the midpoint of your life, and it hits you that you just don’t want to deal with drama, hamsters or borderline personality disorder, just so you might get laid on a semi-regular basis.

You’ve woken up to the fact that the amount of effort it takes, isn’t equaled by the rewards AND the extra risks to the rest of your life. This, THIS is outcome independence. Comprehending that you, and only you, will truly take care of you.

Danny, we’ve only known each other through the net, but I know you like I know my younger self. You’re a fixer, a traditional man who wants to be that good guy who fixes everything around the house, fixes cars, fixes supper, and so on. You like to be depended upon, you prefer to be doing SOMETHING rather than be waited on, hand and foot.

And now, nearing 40, you’ve realized that almost no woman you’ve ever met, has any appreciation for those virtues.

I knew an empowered woman, once. Then the batteries in her vibrator went dead.

Do what you want to do, be what you want to be, hurt nothing in the process, and live well.

Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon is a book you might find useful. It’s a reference/cookbook that teaches you to pattern your nutrition after the diet of indigenous people groups as studied by Weston Price in the early 1900’s. It includes a lot about food preparation, soaking, sprouting, fermenting etc. I count it as the one cookbook I’ll never part with. Looks like you have lots of information about growing or harvesting the food, this one might be a good match for your interests.

I never butchered anything before I dated my husband. Game in our area is big (can you say “here moosey moosey!”) and a lot of work to process. I feel so accomplished every time we have been fortunate enough to put several hundred pounds of wild organic meat in the freezer for winter. I think it’s hot when my husband packs out a quarter on his back…come to think of it anytime he carries something heavy it’s pretty hot :). Now I get why little boys are always trying to pick up heavy things in front of girls! Girls just don’t get it until they are older.

Oh, also Botany in a Day by Thomas Elpel. That guy is hardcore subsistence living…if I remember correctly his website has instructions for things like making your own shoes.

Don’t second guess yourself on this stuff. I did it for years. Had all sorts of stuff, basically worked as a maintenance man for my stuff, was miserable, and beat myself up for not appreciating all that I had.

I think all men start thinking at one point about ultra simplifying their lives, whether it is clearing out all the stuff, or clearing out all the people, and I would say, if it comes from the gut, don’t worry about what anyone says, and follow your gut.

The other thing to remember is that making big changes like this aren’t always permanent, and you just may need time in the fortress of solitude, and you will be back.

Finally, on a practical note, have you ever heard of earthbag building? Cheap, simple, more durable than a motor home.

I know how you feel mate, I’m currently helping out the father in-law whose had PTSD problems for the last 30 years, he’s ex British army. Thing is he’s never had help with his problems till now, and being the father in-law, makes it a some what difficult situation, particularly on the home front. All I can say is you’ll never forget, but with enough time and peace it fades, some what.

You know something weird I had the current urge you have now, and I followed through on it and it was the best decision I ever made. My mind started to drift towards the serenity of the simple life, before I got out, it occurred in a book shop, when I spotted then bought this book.

Now I live near a village with a population of maybe 20 people, the closest town has about 1000 people, the district total 3000 people. Plenty of land, water, Kangaroos, bandicoot, rabbits cattle, fish, ell, crayfish, fresh air, prime choice of places to go pig hunting with the dogs ect. Something so simple as watering the veggie patch can be so therapeutic.

I know you plan on being single and not having children, if I may make this suggestion, perhaps you should look for a more modern traditional woman from your own Cajun culture. If you retire to a country retreat in a majority Cajun community, perhaps you might find someone that gels with you more. I know what you mean about picking up your shit and leaving on a moments notice, it’s apart of the lifestyle you’ve lived, but once you put down some roots your feelings may change. Just my thoughts, as that’s what worked for me as my roots went down, into the ground.