Monday, August 25, 2008

So Friendship Is...?

So over the past few days which have been full of fights and very mean things said, I've tried to think about what friendship really means. Basically a friend of mine gave me an ulitmatium that if I did not be friends with his girlfriend(who has called me not nice names and never shown an interest in meeting me until after we dated) I would lose him as a friend regardless of my feelings in the situation. And so in case you were just overly curious about what those feelings might be, well you're about to find out. So Tyler and I started being friends in about March or April when Joe introduced us all. During the summer our constant(and i mean four to five times a week) hangout group was Tyler, Joe, Jasmine, Molly, and me. So as you can imagine we all got really close in the relatively short period of time. Well from about May, Tyler decided that he wanted to date me. I was very hesitant because while I trusted him as a friend, I did not trust him in the dating area because of Chelsea, the girl mentioned at the top. She was his ex girlfriend that he had been in love with and he constantly would bring up in conversation. Although he did promise me that he was over her and that if she came back, then it was just too bad for her, my instinct told me that no matter what I was going to lose to her in the end..it had happened with other guys. But being me I ignored that instinct and chose to trust him instead. So I fell for him. By the end of the summer though we both decided to call it quits because of different schools and how busy we were both going to be, however he assured me that he still cared a lot for me. It hurt more for me because I fell more at the end of summer compared to him falling more at the beginning. So college begins and everything is going well. We've both gotten used to being friends and as far as I was concerned we were better friends than before we "dated".So the first night of classes he asks me if I'm still visiting on Friday. I said yes I wanted to see my good friend. He asked if it was cool if Chelsea came. I told him that as much as I wanted to hang out with some of the old summer group, I did not want to hang out with her. It wasn't her personally. It was more of my own feelings and how it was a slap in the face because I knew he wanted to get back with her. I didn't care if they got back together, I just didn't want it thrown in my face especially after trusting him all summer when I knew he was still in love with her. I think that's fair thinking..don't you? So he grudgingly agreed. Then the Thursday before I head down, he lets me know that since it was bid night that she might stop by for a few minutes and he asked me to please be cool about it. So I agreed..because what's a few minutes right? Even though this girl had badmouthed me and threatened to fight me. Both of which I ignored. This made me a little hesitant to go down because I really wanted no drama. I hate it!Then the trip to Troy University came. You might have read that incredibly dreary poem that I wrote..yeah that followed this..incident. So it was my first Friday as a college student and I leave to meet up with Tyler down at Troy since he had already come back home twice since he moved. It was going to be me, Joe, Clara(Joe's girlfriend and a friend of mine) and Tyler hanging out..maybe hit up a party or something at Troy. That changed abrubtly. The three of us are hanging out at his trailer when he walks in absolutly furious. He didn't get the bid for ATO, the one fraternity he wanted. So we all just kind of let him chill out and guess who shows up..Chelsea of course. Well I stuck by what I said and I was never mean to her and I didn't say anything to Tyler since he was stressed. Well this girl doesn't say hello to me or anything, just walks right by me to the inside and plans to stay the whole time. I was hiding it but I was shaking from anger and plenty of other emotions, if my hands had been out of my pockets they would've visibly been able to be seen moving! So Clara notices that my face is just a little stressed looking(I swear I was trying to hide it!) and decides that we should go for a walk. So I explain about what I explained to you in the beginning and she told me that Chelsea had intentionally planned to come over and act saccrine sweet just to piss me off. Well congratulations to Chelsea, it worked. She didn't need to do that. Tyler and I are just friends. *Sidenote: tyler and chelsea get back together while I am in the trailer. Real nice right?* So I tell Clara that I am driving back home. So I go inside to grab my keys and tell Tyler I'll see him later. He jumps down my throat and says that I am being a bitch and should make an effort to be friends with her. I keep my temper down but tell him that I explained why this sucks so bad earlier in the week. So as I turn to walk out, Chelsea is sitting on the couch looking at me with the biggest fake smile. I just keep walking but that is the absolute closest I have ever been to punching someone in the face. By the way she is dressed to kill. All we were doing is hanging out. I wonder why she did that??? hmmm..GRRR! So I make it to the car before I lose control for a second. So I leave to start the two hour drive home..in the rain...at night when Tyler calls and tells me to come back. I calmly explain what I've already explained at least three times and he blows up. He starts cussing and calling me a terrible friend because I won't be her friend. It means a lot to him he says. And I ask him if my feelings mean anything to him. I told him I'm not going to bad mouth her, I'm not going to start anything with her, I just don't want to be buddy buddy with her. This is when he says if I am not friends with her, I am not friends with him. So basically I feel as though I've lost a friendship in the course of an hour. I felt completely betrayed and stabbed in the back. Why was he not even looking at my feelings. As soon as it came to what she wanted, he was blind to everything else. So two hours later I get home.I don't here from him until today: Monday. And it's not to apologize. He asks if I've decided to be friends with Chelsea. I told him no and I tell him that it hurt really badly that he gave me that ultimatium. And that if feels like our friendship means nothing. He says so what and says it still stands. About twenty minutes later I ask him to explain again why it was so important to him that I like her and be buddy buddy with her even though it hurts me and she was never nice to me. He says "because". That's the end of that convo. Chelsea then takes the incintive to text me and bitch me out. The short version is that she says that because Tyler wants her to, she is "tolerating" me. Now according to Tyler she actually wanted to be friends with me. Bull. So I proceed to finally snap at her. Tyler calls and says we're done as friends because I insulted his girlfriend. I mean it's not like she didn't say anything.. So as of that point our friendship is truly over. And then later he tells me that I was a terrible friend, not just now, but all summer. And the ultimatium still stands. Well then I told him that he was actually being a pretty terrible friend. Friendship doesn't force unnecessary pain on the other friend. He said we were never true friends and that he didn't care anymore.End of story. What's really sad is that I considered him one of my very very good friends and I trusted him completely. Guess I read that all wrong.My opinion now on what TRUE friendship is. Friendship doesn't allow something to hurt one knowingly. Friendship is not based on the idea of "well if I'll do this for you, then you should do this for me". Friends do not verbally abuse the other one-they may fight but you still should be concious of what you say. FRIENDSHIP IS UNCONDITIONAL. Ok so I don't know if really portrayed very well the hurt and betrayal I felt and the degree of mean Tyler and Chelsea went to but it was bad. I don't do this with friends ever. Sure we fight but never like this. And what sucks is that I still want his friendship back. I am stupid.

1 comment:

Oh hun! This crap sucks! I'll tell you what, it is not about you. None of this crap is about you. This is his way of dealing with feeling like an ass and her way of exerting control over him. And for goodness sakes she shouldn't have to! She is terrified of you or she wouldn't be doing this (or dressing up). He knows he's a putz and is hurting the one he is closest with. I am so sorry you have to go through this but it sounds like they, especially HE doesn't deserve you! love you