Can you believe some women received The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands for Christmas? No, I'm serious!! I have several friends that got a copy under the tree.

Clearly, Scrooge arrived at their house.

AND he ate all the Hoo Hash.

With Valentine's Day coming up, I decided it would only be fair to all women to have a gift to give those wonderful men in our lives. I'm going to write a simple compendium.

I'm calling it:

How to Nag-Proof Your Marriage.

I hate that word... nag. I only use it to appeal to the target market. Think about it. Guys wouldn't be so quick to read a book titled, "How To Be a Better Husband". Husbands (and partners) think it's "nagging" when we make such outlandish requests like, "take the trash out" or "put the lid down." So I'm kind of fighting fire with fire. I hope you'll forgive me... it's for the greater good.

The book no bathroom should be without.

There won't be chapters. It will be a short bathroom read (the average male attention span when it comes to relationship "garbage") that will list things to say in the event of an emergency. Emergencies are described as the event or moments leading up to a Royal Nagging. Emergencies include, but are not limited to:

Being late for a very important event

Uncontrollable tears for "no reason"

The stink eye (again, for "no reason")

That Time of the Month

Flirting with a waitress or flight attendant

Wanting to get a little lovin' (aka Headaches)

Any time he says anything stupid

Days ending in Y

So in the event of one or more emergencies, the husband or partner in question can utter any one of these phrases:

"That wardrobe is soooo last season. Here... take my credit card and go get yourself some new clothes."

"You've had a long day. Why don't you go get a mani/pedi while I watch the kids?"

"Don't worry about making dinner. I got us a sitter and I'm taking you out!"

"Wanna go to that new Amy Adams movie? I hear it's pretty interesting."

"Just now... in that light... you look like you did when we first met."

"What's wrong, honey? Do you need me to get you some cookie dough and merlot?"

(This one is especially useful during That Time of the Month)

"How long has it been since you've had a girls' weekend away? Make plans. I'll take care of the kids."