Friday, December 20, 2013

Is That a Banana in your Toybox? A How-To on Finding a Pretty Good Dildo in your Local Craft Store

1) Walk up to the kitschy glass sculpture rack for the 1000th time to contemplate buying your blogging partner a two foot tall rainbow rooster (rainbow cock! get it? get it?)

2) See a glass banana. Notice that it's penis-sized. Giggle.

3) Stop giggling and contemplate it's penis-ness. Get the idea to put it in your vagina.

4) Realize that it's on sale for 6 bucks and just taking it home to do a more thorough safety inspection won't hurt anything.

5) Walk around the yarn section trying to come up with witty comebacks to say to the cashier if they ask you why you're only buying a single glass banana.
5a) Reject "What would YOU do with just a glass banana?"
5b) Reject "My monkey ate my last one, so now I need a new banana AND a new monkey!"
5c) Decide on "Gonna stick it in my vagina. Have a Merry Christmas!"

6) Be disappointed the cashier doesn't ask you anything, just safely wraps it up in paper and wishes you a Happy Holidays.

7) Get home, do a thorough safety checklist.
7a) Both borosilicate and soda-lime glass are non-porous and phthalate free. Check.
7b) The colored part is under a layer of clear glass so you're not exposed to strange dyes or paints. Check.
7c) Put it through a steam sanitize setting on your dishwasher to make sure it's not easily shattered- if it can't make it through the dishwasher, it shouldn't go near your bits. Check.
7d) Look for nicks and cracks and sharp bits in the glass at every step of the way. Check.

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It did indeed pass all the safety checks I could think of. I brought it upstairs and settled in my bed with not only the banana, but also a number of my other dildos, wanting to check the curve of the banana against other "g-spotting" items I have. It's not quite as extreme as my Nobessence Seduction, and similar to both my Lelo Mona 2, and VixSkin Mustang.

I ran my fingers over it one more time to make sure there weren't any pointy bits on it, and then lubed it up and slipped it in.
Oh.
Oh! It is good. It rubbed gently against my g-spot when I thrust and combined with a vibrator on my clitoris1, I came embarrassingly quickly. The glass is unyielding and gives a wonderful sense of fullness, and there is a slight ridge on the top that gives a level of pinpoint stimulation to the front vaginal wall. It has a slight taper from the tip, so despite its pretty filling girth, it slides in easily.

So! Stats, Pros, and Cons of my Craft Store sex toy.

Length: 7 1/2 inches, most of which is insertable.Diameter: About 2 inches (it is elliptical in shape)

Pros
~$12 (I got mine in a 50% off sale)
-Gentle, thrustable g-spot stimulation (who knew bananas were g-spotters? Maybe those sploshing folks have the right idea!)
-Discreet (Well, as discreet as having a decorative glass banana in your bedroom could be)
-Sterilizeable! Just be careful it doesn't bump the side of the pot if you boil it.
-Temperature play compatible (warm or cool water, no freezer or microwave!)

Cons
-If you need very direct g-spot stimulation, this is more of a "glancing blow" toy
-Not manufactured as a sex toy, so there could be imperfections on the glass that could hurt vaginal tissue (there weren't on mine, but check check check before you use it)
-NOT anal safe. At all. Don't put it in your butt. Please. If you think explaining to the cashier why you're buying a glass banana is embarrassing, explaining to an ER doctor why one is stuck up your butt is worse
-If you don't have a sense of humor, you're not going to be able to use this despite how good it feels. It's extremely silly to masturbate with a glass banana. I giggled the entire time.

I don't know if this banana will have a permanent spot in my toybox, but for the price? Definitely didn't hurt a thing to try it out. And if you're the sort of person who needs unrealistic, not-gross-jelly, discreet, toys on a budget, this could be your godsend.
I got mine at a certain craft store that rhymes with "Bobby Sobby" (I don't think they'd appreciate getting traffic from a sex blog, hence the beating around the bush) (hah beating) so if you've got one near you, it can be yours as well!

1 Just be sure not to pinch one of your labia between the vibrator and the glass like I did. Curse my one slightly longer labia.↩