So I wanted to clarify on the ‘out there’ book I purchased – Mastering Remote Viewing (Remote Viewing, Third Eye & Astral Projection). I will henceforth be referring to it as the worst. book. ever. In one evening, it has transformed itself from something I was curious and even a little excited about to bad omen. A harbinger of doom. If nothing else, a dismal start to my new age education.

Yesterday afternoon I had not yet looked at it and was blissfully unaware. I was naive to its lameness. Clueless as to its stupidity. And happily oblivious of the fact that I’d have gotten more enjoyment out of the money if I’d given it away to strangers a dollar at a time. Or set them on fire.

The book is outrageously, hilariously bad. Cringe-worthy, really. To prove my point, I share with you an excerpt from the chapter “Remove Viewing Truth Stories.” It lists eleven true tales of Sapphire’s remarkable remote viewing skills. (BTW, I am not editing this or punctuating all wrong or dropping words out to make it sound worse. This is literally what was published. And it’s hardly the worst of it, I just don’t have the time to type the whole lame thing up. This nugget happens to represent a random page I opened to:)

“Late Princess Diana sent me a remote viewing (Who is one of queens now – in Kingdom of the gods.)

She sent me a remote viewing that she complained, that the coffin she was buried had symbols on the top of coffin; which was the wrong symbol of her title.

It is like: 4 pictures combined into one. And one of the picture is a lion. And the main color of the 4 pictures were yellow.

I think she is not happy, how she was buried with the human body on earth.

I only saw her funeral in the TV, so there is no way I could see the top of her coffin. And later she sent me another Remote Viewing; that there was a horse that his eyes are very strange – like popping out.

So, I fixed the horse’s eyes. I bet she loves this horse.”

WTF!?

What the hell is this?

Did a first grader write this!? A special ed first grader!?

Princess Diana, wherever you are, I would like to offer my personal apologies. It seems criminal to include you in this stupidity.

Meanwhile, who are the 26 lunatics who all gave this book a five star review on Amazon!? I would like to meet each and every one of you and bitch slap all of your faces. John Simmon, Richard Adams, Chris Ellis, Alex Abingdon – I’m talking to you.

However, now that I comb through the reviews trying to fathom what possessed 26 people to rave about this crap fest, it occurs to me that perhaps Sapphire wrote them all himself/herself? Certainly the grammar is equally bad in many if not all of the reviews. One review goes on about how it’s not bad grammar. Seriously, check this out (and Maxxy, you may want to brace yourself at this is aimed squarely at your patch of the universe): “I bought tons of paranormal books, none of the books as easy read as this author’s books. If you are well read enough, you should be able to notice…the British and American, they write differently in term of grammar style. When you get on the British air, you will find the flight magazine has tons of grammar mistakes (by American standard), but when the British reading American airline magazines, they accused us… “American does not know how to write,” it is the same thing. This book as far as I am concern, there are no grammar mistakes, it depends on which country you come from. If you really care about the grammar, you should get a grammar book, not this book.”

Chris Ellis of Chicago, Illinois sounds an AWFUL LOT like Sapphire, if you ask me!!!

Most significantly, who is the crackpot selling the same book for $210 on Amazon!? Are you high? Are you kidding me? And if you get a buyer, would you send them my way? I have a story I wrote when I was seven about the Easter Bunny I’d like to sell them…

To add insult to injury, I purchased the book from an Amazon reseller with a shady return policy. It sounds like they’ll only take it back if it’s damaged. I hate to lie, but the poor book may just have to have an unfortunate accident. If there is any justice in the universe, they’ll take this manure back without forcing me to hurt it.

In conclusion, I offer up the following message to Sapphire, who throughout the awful book proclaims him/herself to be a god. (A god with a second-grade education, but who am I to judge?) And Sapphire doesn’t beat around the bush about his/her god status. S/he clearly states, “Being a god, I will get remote viewings sent by other gods or angels or beings prayed to my tile and I would be able to see what is happening to them. For example, I would get images sent by Jesus that he would get me updated by some news.”

Do you think Jesus was praying to Sapphire’s ’tile’ or ‘title’? Or are those words interchangeable in England? And who knew Jesus prayed to pagan gods? I think it’s safe to say this comes as news to all of us.

So Sapphire, if you’re out there and you’re a god, then it follows that you are omnipotent and know I’m really pissed off about your book, and all the fake Amazon reviews, and I would like my money back without a big hassle. So please come and astral travel or visit me as a ghost or whatever it takes to right this wrong and restore my faith in humankind. And in pagan gods. And please put $20 under my pillow like any good Tooth Fairy while you’re at it. Muchas gracias.