Wednesday, January 9, 2008

GDB Role Play

Props to PTI for comin' up with this outstanding weekly bit. This is the part of the show where we pose questions to two of our experts who will pretend to be famous newsworthy figures. Without further ado, let's bring in our resident panelists Young Swole and Cicero who will be role playing with Faces on Popsicle Sticks.

Young Swole...you are Tony RomoQuestion: Shouldn't you be doing more pre-game preparation for your upcoming game against the New York Giants?Answer: You know, i thought about that last week. And then I realized i could be fucking Jessica Simpson from the back instead so you know what happened? The playbook stayed in Dallas and i went to Cabo! Plus, I couldn't take the chance of leaving Jessica alone with her father, there's something creepy about that dude...Young Cicero...you are Roger ClemensQuestion: A 60 Minutes interview is one thing, but Congress? How are you going to make the case that you are innocent?Answer: Well, I’m coming right to the fans, to the nation, and telling them straight up that I have never used performance enhancing drugs and that all of these allegations are just false. Brian McKamee has somehow gotten me involved in this because he was under the gun, under lots of pressure from the Mitchell investigation to name names, and he was my trainer for a period. So I’m not sure what he was thinking there. He did inject me yes, partly because I like the feelings of things penetrating my backside, but also because all that lidocane and B-12 and B-6 and B-4 and B-After make me feel better after I go out and throw ninety-five mile-an-hour fastballs all day long, just like I did twenty-five years ago, and it’s like I haven’t aged a day, its amazing…But that’s not what is important now is it…heh heh. Point is, its my word against his, and he has no proof to show this (I hope), so I’m just going to let the record speak for itself (unless the record comes out against me in which case I will dispute it).

Swole...you are Pete CarrollQ: You have built an NCAA Powerhouse at USC...would you really leave all that for the pitiful Atlanta Falcons knowing that you have free reign?A: of course i'm leaving. i'm not guaranteeing i'm going to the falcons but i am going pro and you know why? Because even if i screw up at the pro level again, every college in america will fire their head coach and hire me when i come back. I'm going to get that NFL cash, and then become the highest paid coach of all time when i come back to college, say perhaps at FSU or Penn State when those old has-beens retire there.

Cicero: you are Eric GordonQ: You have been ballin' all year long, but it's been against weak sauce competition...so are the Hoosiers for real?A: Of course. First of all, big ups to GDB nation, many thousands of whom are loyal Hoosier fans. Second of all, Kelvin Sampson knows how to coach. He also knows how to text. That’s how he got me here to IU, we used to text back and forth like mo’fo’s during episodes of “The Hills” and been tight ever since. But yeah, just look at the weapons we have in Bloomington: DJ White, double-doubles in 10 of his last 11, and the D-Train bid DeAndre Thomas showing some soft hands to go with that big body. JaMarcus Ellis and Jordan Crawford are extra scoring options who know how to play unselfish basketball. We have the veteran leadership of Stemler and Ratliff. Long story short…The Hoosiers are back. And with the sick recruits coming to campus next year, like Devin Ebanks, Terrell Holloway, and Matt Roth, they won’t even miss me. I’ll be producing just like I do now, just at a higher level, for a whole lot more money.

Swole...you are Hillary ClintonQ: Everyone and their brother counted you out of the Presidential race after you lost the Iowa Caucus, but you've turned things around and now have the same number of victories as Young Obama. How does it feel to get that Dubya.A: I feel great! This little fad with Obama has faded away and people are now realizing that I am the person that can bring change. Don't let those yokels in Iowa fool you, all of america knows that I am the baddest bitch ever to step foot in the white house. Don't cross Hillary F. Clinton or i will end you.Cicero...you are Barack ObamaQ: You were riding on top of the world, but how are you feeling now that you've lost a state that polls predicted you had locked up just 48 hours ago?A: Well…it’s a great thing really. Two weeks ago, I was losing by close to twenty points. So coming back like that, and winning in Iowa last week, just shows that the people are ready for the type of change that only I am prepared to bring (Show huge cheesy grin). I don’t know if you have noticed, but I’m raising money a heck of a lot faster than any of the other candidates out there, mostly from small and first-time donors, another great sign that I have the support of the American people. We are headed into a tough string of primaries, but the surge of support for my candidacy over the past month is a great sign that change is coming.