Cyberappliances attack Italian village

The small village of Canneto di Caronia in Sicily has become the front line in the war of annihilation between humanity and Terminator-style roboappliances.

For three weeks terrified residents have battled for their very survival against spontaneously-combusting TVs, fridges and cookers which have damaged twelve houses and provoked a full-scale evacuation of the hamlet.

Mobile phones have mysteriously burst into flames, and even furniture - not previously noted for malevolent intent, except in the form of particluarly vicious sofabed mechanisms - has joined the struggle to purge mankind from the face of the planet.

Experts are baffled, particularly so since the fires continue unabated even when the power is disconnected.

The shaken mayor of Canneto di Caronia, Pedro Spinnato, says: "This all began three weeks ago and we can discover no explanation. We cannot risk a tragedy through these fires so I have no other option to evacuate.

"We have had engineers in to examine cables and wires but they can find nothing wrong. Twelve houses have been severely damaged after various domestic appliances burst into flames."

Civil protection chief Tullio Martella adds: "What is going on here is like a scene from some paranormal film. The fires continued even when we cut power to the village to see if that was a possible cause For the time being there is no scientific explanation and I have never heard of anything like this before."

That's because Martella has never been to Newcastle-upon-Tyne or Madrid where locals are fully aware of what's behind this kind of technological uprising.

And while the former residents of Canneto di Caronia are calling for an exorcism to purge their homes of evil, we at Vulture Central know there is only one real solution which can contain murderous robofridges and self-immolating kitchen furniture - stealth aircraft bearing nukes, and plenty of 'em. ®