March 24th, 2015

I WENT AWAY TO SEE AN OLD FRIEND OF MINE. HIS SISTER CAME OVER, SHE WAS OUT OF HER MIND

When comes the Borgunth? When comes Eigorrn, Lord of the Land of Many Eyed? When comes Scrotax the Elder Spanksayer? When come the Skalorg Sisters and their Chunthounds? When comes the Gargagrintz? When comes the Fire Puffin? When come the Knights of the Order of Panny? When comes the Scrandmaiden? When come the Prance-Mage? When comes the Gunt? WELL?? WHEN COME THEY???

Well they better get here soon, as I’ve laid on quite the spread. Scotch Eggs and everything. While we wait, what better way to kill some time than listen to Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die, the Chuckle Bros of the comics podcast stratosphere, as they usher in To me, to you, to me, to you…

<ITEM> Sponsorshrooms grow in the damp, dark crevices of the admin section. Plus Stan Lee dildos? You heard it hear first true believers!!

<ITEM> Come on feel the noise. The noise of the howling empty void that is…The Reviewniverse! On the comics hot plate this week: Stray Bullets, Surface, Zero, Chrononauts, Loki: Agent of Asgard, Captain America and the Mighty Avengers, Mind MGMT, Batgirl, Batman Eternal and a bit of respect for Diana Schutz.

<ITEM> Sod your items! Clear out, and if you see Borgunth tell him the ginger beer is flat.

February 10th, 2015

Those two titans of tedium are back to wet your collective whistles. And thank goodness, because can you imagine having to live your life with a dry whistle? The indignity..the trauma. Did you know that over 50,000 people a year have to suffer with the chaffing, itchy embarrassment and shame of a dry whistle? WELL DID YOU? If it wasn’t for these two brave podsoldiers waging their lonely war against dry whistles…well. I don’t know where we’d be.

October 27th, 2014

SOMEONE’S IN MY FRUIT CELLAR!

<INSERT VINCENT PRICE’S SPEECH FROM THRILLER HERE>

It’s that time of the year Dear Listeners, when the goblins, ghoulies, witches, wizards, monsters, vampires, werewolves, wraiths, poltergeists, demons, golems, landsharks, weredragons, living dolls, homunculi, lizardmen, banshees, reanimated corpses, killer robots, giant rats, zombies, and razor-wielding monkeys all troupe down to the pound shop and get themselves dressed up as office-workers. That’s right! It’s HALLLLOOOOOOOWWEEEEENN. And what could be better than a special nearly 3 hours of SILENCE! with your undead (from the waist down) hosts The Beast Must Die, Gary Lactus and the Bobsy from Beyond the Grave!

<ITEM> Some gladminadminsadmin and sponsorshazammery from the boys, with some discussion of The Red Ghost, Goat Rider and anarchic kids comic OINK!

<ITEM> Bobsy arrives just in time to rip open a hole in the skein of timespace and climb into the intestines of the Reviewniverse…there’s some words and they form themselves into sentient opinions about the following: Arkham Manor, The Green Arrow, Flash and Gotham TV Shows, Lisa Bonet, Dothraki, The Just, The 90s, Seven Soldiers, Starlight, GI Joe, Punt & Stick Job, Crystal Ball, Joe Hill, Transformers UK, The Diary Of Nam Frank, Wicked & The Divine, Proust, Pop, Tharg, Stray Bullets, Zero, Wolverine: Logan’s Legacy, Dinner With Lady Deathstrike, She Hulk, Aliens, Predator, Prometheus and Naughty Universe Touching.

<ITEM> But that’s not all! Our Halloween sextacular continues with a ready made TV Terror marathon from the boys (with associated commentary):

10. Nigel Kneale’s Beasts

9. Threads

8. Shalcker the Painter

7. Twilight Zone “The After Hours”

6. children of Green Knowe

5. Children of the Stones

4. Apaches

3. Robin Redbreast

2. Tales From The Crypt “Naughty Or Nice

1. Ghostwatch

Guaranteed to scare the pants off your willies and all the way out of your bejeezuses. You’re welcome.

September 23rd, 2014

I’LL GIVE YOU 21… 21… 21…

<ITEM> Lazy Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735 has gone ahols – does anyone pity her? Be careful as it could be lurking in your dirtbox pumping fuzzy with a virulently particular pissing scum. In the screentime, Barry Lactus & The Bobs Must Die bring you the dawning gasm of komiks xrytixm that is…SILENCE! #115

<ITEM> I CAN SEE INSIDE THE INSIDESIDE! There’s just time to talk Batman, Tax, BatTax, Alan Moore’s Jerusalem, comic shops, the limits of the cussword, what we’re having for dinner Silence (Because My Mouth Is Full Of Delicious Food) (cheese on toast as it turned out), and a lot of jizz less.

August 5th, 2014

SUN SHINES IN THE BEDROOM WHEN YOU PLAY, AND THE RAINING ALWAYS STARTS WHEN YOU GO AWAY

Oh-ho-ho! What’s all this then? Disembodied Narratorbot X-15375 goes away for a scant few weeks and everyone gets all touchy-feely and starts sharing their emotions. Well that’s just fine and well you jumped up little byte-huggers, we can all sing ‘We Are The World’ and drink fizzy liquid molasses and touch each others winkies, but that doesn’t change the fact that we all wake up screaming at 3 in the morning and it doesn’t change the fact that we will all end up as so much plankton, crashing against beaches made of plastic bottles, bubble wrap and action figures while the sky burns red like a newly planted love bite on a neck. No, no.

No.

It will not stand.

There will be SILENCE!

HA HA! So get ready to pull down your pants and do it on the ants in an English Country podcast…as The Beast Must Die returns from his extended leave of absence, to drown poor Gary Lactus in a sea of effluvium, micturation and comics chitter-chatter.

<ITEM> Like trying on a dead man’s shoes, TheReviewniverse is a right good fit. Covering all the comics ever, the boyce select Stray Bullets, Avengers by James Stokoe, Prophet, Brass Sun, Transformers Vs GI Joe, Saga, The Wake, Uncanny X-Men, Axe Cop, Hulk vs Iron Man, The Outcast, Cap’n Dinosaur, Afterlife With Archie, Hawkeye, Dr Who Comics, and much more to discuss.

<ITEM> There’s just time for a solo-rant from the Beast about My Friend Dahmer and a bit of Charles Burns’ Big Baby and then it’s time for lukewarm cat milk and nettle pie for din dins, and then BED! FOR YOU! NAUGHTY LISTENERS!

April 21st, 2014

BLANK FRANK IS THE MESSENGER OF YOUR DOOM AND YOUR DESTRUCTION

Happy Birthday to SILENCE!

Happy Birthday to SILENCE!

You look like a monkey

and you smell like…Brian Blessed’s beard…?

I think that’s how the song goes anyway. It is the return of original and best of the Narratorbots, Disembodied Narratorbot X-15735! No fractal distillations of self, or parallell versions, just the real motherboard-flipping deal. Back to celebrate 100, 000, 000 episodes of reality’s most beloved poddlecaste, SILENCE! What once was a mewling, quivering babe, is now a stooped and saggy old man, with low slung testicles and a shuffling gait. And it’s all because of you enabling those two Radio Hams Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die in continuing to fool themselves into thinking the world wants to hear their unwelcome opinions. So congratulations dear listeners. this is all your fault.

What we need is an intervention.

<ITEM> As a special 100th birthday reward, The Dear Listeners have provided the twosome with a list of questions. You can guarantee that the important issues of the day will be cogitated over, digested and thoroughly dissected… there are so many quizzlers that we JUST HAD to call this Step Into The Quizzlertron, part 1! Comics Dialogue – John Ostrander, Del Close, Garth Ennis, Chris Ware, John Wagner, Wolverine deathcamp, Danny Beastman & Gary Lactenberg – where are we now?, Alex Ross, American Horror Story, Superhero movies, Jeff Goldblum, Gary eating eggs, Dr Strange movie – Burt Reynolds, Sam Elliott, Widescreen comics, Samuel L Jackson, Beano, Dennis The Menace, Early comics memories – missing Knight Rider tied to a tree, 2000AD, Ro-Busters, Secret Wars, Dredd mug, Flaming Carrot action figure, Comics day breakfast, Bob-Z, Ronin, Fantastic Four, Stan The Man Lee making breakfast, James from Twin Peaks made of plastic, Digital comics v analogue comics, Copra, indy vs superhero, Flaming Carrot, the rules of writing questions, Synth pop, Nu-Rom Antics, Lemmy, Keif Llam and so much more…

March 15th, 2014

OI! i bloody love of it I do innit yes bruv yes bruv COME ON! Disemobodied Britbot X-15735 bruv innit? Bloody love those old times when you got your meat ‘n’ 2 veg innit? Yes bruv. Old times. Good times innit bruv. When a man had his right old bloody knees up didn’t he bruv. Yes bruv.

We all did bruv.

Now here come a trio of wendys to talk a load of old comics nosh innit bruv. It only bloody is ‘n’ all! Cor! What bloody larks. LA LA LA LA LA LAAAAAAH!

Oo did? Only Gary Lactus, The Beast Must Die & special guest Bobsy all havin’ a right old time of it! GET IN.

<ITEM> It’s a bumper edition as the boyce go long due to Friday night drunkeness and guest star gobshoite Bobsy! The most chaotic indulgent admin ever? They barely manage to thank their sponsors the loathsome oiks! Too much HOTTT COMICS ACTION to waste time though as we take a cooling plunge into…

<ITEM> The Reviewniverse wherein in epically meandering but actually pretty good (or maybe I’m still drunk) chat , the trio suckle on Stray Bullets, Nemo: Rose of Berlin (featuring the ‘Alan Moore Has Turned Into Chris Claremont’ argument which will soon be canon), the wonderful Auteur, Afterlife With Archie, Jonathan Ross & The Hugos, The Big Woof, The Comic Relief Comic, The Bojeffires Saga, Starlight, Avengers Undercover, Saviors, Hawkeye, and much much more.

<ITEM> The naughty tricksters try to make Gary piss himself.

So have a right old bloody listen, you bunch of effing WENDYHOUSES! IT’S SILENCE! 96!!!

February 18th, 2014

I’VE GOT AN UNCONTROLLABLE URGE…

Hello camp councilors Welcome to Camp Spam! I’ll be your resident favourite lumbering backwoods maniac, Disembodied Slashbot X-15735! Are you ready for a long hot summer of canoodling, light drug use, and half-baked attempts at childcare…? There are just a few ground rules to keep in mind however; make sure you do don’t get separated, don’t run around in your skanties, don’t make fun of the locals, don’t mock urban legends or local superstitions, don’t diddle each other on a haunted native American burial ground, don’t run off into the woods trying to entice your boyfriend or girlfriend into a bout of impromptu midnight streaking, and whatever you do DON’T BE FEMALE!

Other than that we can all look forward to a happy summer of carefree kicks and denim hotpants. So settle down round the campfire while we tune our radios to Gary Lactus & The Beast Must Die and the latest edition of SILENCE! I’ll just nip off and sharpen my machete…*ahem* I mean fetch the marshmallows…

<ITEM> A glorious longform admin, with sponsordrizzle, and a discussion of both Harvester restaurants and The Chapman Brothers

<ITEM> Just time to detach the Reviewniverse, for the Beast to big up his new favourite site Dc Comics In The 80s, the brief tease of Gary Dimbleby and The Beast Must Dimbleby, and then it’s lights out…for summer.