HARTLEY HALL - Citing intensive anti-gentrification protests by members of the Columbia student body and faculty, Columbia Housing Executive Director Joyce Jackson announced that the university would cease its efforts to finish renovating many buildings, including McBain and John Jay. “As an integral part of Morningside Heights, Columbia is taking important steps to protect local communities from the stresses of development,” declared Jackson. “We’re introducing new initiatives to ensure that Columbia remains seamlessly integrated with our neighborhood.”

According to a report obtained by the Federalist Paper, Columbia’s anti-gentrification efforts, intended to link student life even more closely to that of city natives, are diverse and extensive. The university plans to add cockroaches to its few more modern buildings with below-average pest habitation rates. Columbia will also offer a randomly selected set of students rent-controlled $400 per semester rooms for all four years while increasing all other prices by $2500. “Though we thought about turning John Jay into a less luxurious walk-up, we concluded that — with elevators that make the weekend 1 train look reliable — it essentially already is one,” said Jackson.

Finally, aiming to become a more realistic landlord, Columbia has announced its intention to evict students who cannot meet a monthly rental payment. Asked if evicted students would be able to find a new housing solution, a university spokesman offered optimism: “Columbia’s location in the City of New York is unparalleled. We’re surrounded by two of New York’s most beautiful parks.”