i don't like it much. some lines don't make any sense,"Bitter wilderness deepens the wound, A stranger willing feeling..." Just because it rhymes doesn't mean it makes sense. 5/10

Bexi

10-28-2004, 01:03 PM

...uhm that doesn't rhyme....

but anyways thanks for reading and commenting

Sloth

10-28-2004, 01:32 PM

this has a couple typos, but no big faults.. .. pretty good.. I like it

I think he's talking about the "willing feeling" part. But I do think that this is rather awkward.

Overall.. .. this isn't a piece that we can really crit.. ..to us readers, it doesn't make sense.. we can just look at the words and think, "oh nice" or "what the hell?"
I know this probably has deep meaning to you, it's just we can't see it.. try to write to so the reader can make sense of it
___
I need crits on my new piece "Seasons" when you get a chance.

funkywhiteboy

10-28-2004, 01:41 PM

yeah.. umm.. it doesn't make any sense to me.. i'm not seeing a main subject this song is about.. pretty words, but they don't make any sense.

Bexi

10-28-2004, 01:55 PM

pretty words that don't make sense...sounds about right :)

Nick13's The Best!!!

10-28-2004, 11:34 PM

yeah.. umm.. it doesn't make any sense to me.. i'm not seeing a main subject this song is about.. pretty words, but they don't make any sense.

12345

session9

10-30-2004, 07:09 PM

It gives me an uneasy feeling, but a central meaning is invisible to me. But I like songs that are abstract enough to mean different things to different people (and I can't write stuff like that very well).

I sort of liked it...I think?

Try writing more stuff like this, though; you'll doubtless improve with time and practice.