There’s quite a strong musical influence in here, and that’s mainly thanks to the BBC show I'll Do Anything, where the women competing for the part of Nancy performed a different song every week, many from musicals. I’ve never been to the musical of Wicked nor seen Jesus Christ Superstar, but I really want to now, and Defying Gravity and Jesus Christ Superstar were both songs that were performed on the show that piqued my interest in the song.

Singing in the Rain is on there for the “Britain’s got Talent” factor, and also because, like Umbrella, it’s a Summer number. 1 even though it’s about rain, which I always find funny. In the same way, Dance of the Knights is on there for the “The Appentice” factor.

Come So Far was played at my school’s leaver’s assembly, and I’ve loved it ever since. Like Hairspray, it’s jolly, entertaining and top-tapping good fun.

Spiegel im Spiegel is Daniel Radcliffe’s favourite piece of classical music, but we won’t hold that against it because the slow violin and piano accompaniment is so relaxing, it must help the soul just to listen to it.

Out of all of these, Georges Street/The Tartar Frigate is probably my favourite piece. It’s one of the best pieces of guitar playing I’ve ever heard, with a hyperactive gypsy violin thrown in for good measure. Wonderful.

And out of these, the song that I’m most obsessed with is Homecoming by Kanye West. This songs makes me nostalgic, and I don’t even know what for. Homecoming is so catchy and no matter what I always sing along; pure poetry. Probably my favourite Kanye West song.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Thank the lord for audiobooks. If it wasn’t for Martyn Reed’s voice reading me Alex Garland’s second book, The Tesseract, I would have died of boredom this past two days tidying my bedroom. As it was, with the convoluted plot being read to me whilst I did my summer cleaning, it was actually a pleasant experience.

I’ve not read Alex Garland’s debut, The Beach, but I’ve seen the film version of it, and, whilst I loved all the shots of Leonardo DiCaprio with his shirt off, I thought the film itself was ploddy and at parts, unintentionally hilarious. That said, it was still fairly thrilling, and thrill is something that The Tesseract offered from the start to finish.

Told in four parts, The Tesseract begins with Sean, a sailor on the shipping waters of Manila, waiting in a run-down motel for the gangster, Don Pepe to pay him a visit. Next, the story shifts to a doctor, Rosa, who is waiting for her husband Sonny to come home, as she reminisces about her first love, Lito. The next story follows two young Filipino hustlers, Vincente and Totoy, as they wander the streets of Manila in search of some easy dosh. And then there’s the finally, so climactic, so wonderfully clever in weaving the three threads together, that it makes Magnolia look like Little Britain.

The ambitious plot device made The Tesseract are hard story to write, but Garland completely succeeds. His modulates tone perfectly; from the nervous panic in Sean’s strand, to the romantic and bittersweet telling of Rosa’s romance of Lito, to the philosophical musings of Alfredo, a psychologist who Vincente and Totoy go to to sell their dreams to. At times, the pseudo-science gets a bit grating, and the flashback-within-flashback strategy left me a bit confused. I liked the novel most when it played things simple; and my favourite plot of the three was by far Rosa's, the tale of her and Lito was handled very beautifully.

Towards the end, Garland ran the serious risk of running himself off at a tangent, but luckily, he kept the story in control. The finale is as interesting as it is satisfying, tying in all three plot strands with one denouement, like the converging Tesseract of the title.

Oh, and the book was read aloud by Martyn Reed, who has a lovely voice; very deep and enigmatic.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

My mum made me tidy my room today, so I cleared out a lot of old newspapers and notes that were decaying in the corners of my bedroom. But one thing that I found, and that triggered off some serious cringing, was a film script that I wrote when I was younger. Being the deluded idiot that I was, I’d genuinely believed back then that it was good enough to be turned into a movie, and hence, had printed the script – all 108 pages of it – onto A4 paper, in courier 12 font, indented and formatted like a movie script, in case, one day, I met a movie director who’d be interested. A waste of effort, a waste of paper, and a waste of time.

After having a read through it (and asked “What were you thinking, you daft twunt?!” only about a thousand times), I’ve decided that the only thing you can do is laugh. So, for your viewing displeasure, I’ve decided to bung it up on t’blog, a ridiculous section at a time, and just generally take the piss out of the idiot that I was to think I could pull this off. The genre is crime comedy, and it centres around three kids who choose to fight crime in California. I won’t give away the title yet, mainly because it makes me shudder just saying it.

You don't have to read the script or anything (108 pages is just a bit on the long side), but simply enjoy me laugh at myself.

Page 1
I can just about let myself have this. It’s an awfully forced introduction with its “A noisy classroom” (ffs, what classrooms aren’t noisy?), but at least I’ve managed to introduce three of the main players in the story – Ben Tyler, Tim Riley and Matt Wilson.

No point being coy about this, when I scripted the movie, I’d already known who I was gonna have playing them. Blond Tim was going to be played by Haley Joel Osment, who, when I was younger, I had the major hots for, and throughout the script, there are hints of frission between him and the female lead, who I won’t say who its based on ‘cos it’s simply too embarrassing (you’ll work it out.) I also quite fancied Rupert Grint, and he was my inspiration for Ben (hence the ginger), though I’ve written him as 5’5”, which is totally wrong. He’s at least 6’2” now. The movie’s set in California, but two-thirds of the crimefighting trio that is Ben, Tim and Fry (introduced later) are British.

And Frankie Muniz was going to play Matt. I fancied him as well.

Page 2
This is just too cringey for words. Matt is bullying Tim because his middle name’s Emile. It’s just so forced and crap. Emile's a decent name. And this, “Sir, I got into a fight with another boy and won!” is just shit. Firstly, don’t they only say “Sir” and “Miss” in Britain? Secondly, Matt the bully would be too badass to start bragging to teachers about how amazing he was. And thirdly, it’s just rubbish.

And, the introduction of Fry. She’s called Fry because I was obsessed with Futurama back then. She’s a 5’2” Chinese girl who fancies herself a bit. Worked out who was gonna play her?

Page 4
I love how that little brat Fry has been in the classroom all of five seconds, and she’s already made herself enemies. Bitch. And also, I spelt “single” wrong!! Cringe! Plus, this, “I’m a guy, totally untouchable.” OK, even if Matt did love himself, there’s no way he’d spew shite like this! Ugh, Emma!!

And it ends on Fry “warning” Matt. Gee, I’m terrified.

Page 5
Yeah, so Fry turns out to be a dab hand at karate. This is when you realise that the script I’ve penned isn’t so much a crime comedy, as “wish fulfilment on Emma’s part.” When I was 14, I wished I was a kung-fu Goddess, so, I’ve made Fry one. This is soooooooooo embarrassing.

Plus, if Fry really had injured Matt, the teacher would have kicked her out of the school, new student or not.

Plus, lines like “Matt is really gonna get her”? WTF?!?!? I mean, I know I was young, but for Gawd’s sake.

Page 6
They turned the little bitch away, and rightly so, but to do so because she was “uncool”, just shows how weak Fry and Ben are. Idiots.
(Then again, I did create them.)

And then they repent about a second later, so convincing.

Page 7
Basically, the Chinese girl’s real name is Lisa, but she chose to rename herself Fry because she was obsessed with Futurama. Ugh, loser. At least she liked Matt Groening.

And then Matt finds the Motley crew, and calls them “the freak brigade”. I’m sure that he would call Fry a lot worse, seeing as she did just beat him up, but I wanted this film to be a 12A, so I kept the swearing relatively light.

Page 9
Cringe, cringe, cringe. “I don’t care, as long as Tim and Ben like me”?!?!?! She’s only just met them, and suddenly they’re like bff?? WTF is this, Gossip Girl? Gawd’s sake.

And LOL at Matt offering Ben and Tim the opportunity to be popular in return for snubbing Fry.

Page 11
Matt finds the three again, to bully them. Cue more verbal abuse at Fry, who says “bang out of order.” Yawn.

Page 12
Wow, character development! Ben, shy, loserish Ben, suddenly stands up for Fry, a girl he’s only just met for about 10 seconds. Matt retorts by making fun of his hair (around the time of writing this, Rupert had a rubbish haircut.)

And another “kung-fu” scene. Jackie Chan I am not.

Srsly, so shit. Next time I criticise a film’s script, I think I should just think about this one for a while, and stay silent.

And I’m not going to use age as an excuse. This was rubbish! I mean, it’s quite funny now to look back and laugh at, but to think that I genuinely believed this was blockbuster material! Eww. De-luded!

So, I’m going to bit by bit, post up the remains of this “script” over the Summer. You don’t have to read it, honestly, this is more for me to just look back at how much of an arrogant little shite I was. I mean, honestly, naming a girl Fry …

I actually cannot get a pun that Gary Linekar made on Match of the Day last night out of my head. Basically, it was Germany 3 - Turkey 2, and the scorer of the winning goal was Philipp Lahm, the left back (cute in an aww bless kinda way). Anyway, when it was all over, Linekar signed off with "In the end, Turkey were silenced by Lahm". Now, even, if you don't like football, you have to appreciate that's quite amusing!

So, I'm now actually addicted to plays on the word "lahm". So far, I've also heard:- Lahm chops down Turkey (double metaphor with food in there!)- Tasty lahm the toast of Germany- Lahm Kebabs 'Em (The Sun, you wouldn't know, would you?)

And here's my own contribution, inspired by this picture of the Germany captain Michael Ballack holding Lahm like a little pet:

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I haven’t read the first Julie Burchill novel for teenagers, Sugar Rush, for which this is the sequel to, nor have I seen the TV programme of it, but I found this book on the ground when walking home yesterday (yep, really!) and the garish pink cover made me stop, read the blurb, and decide that on this occasion, it was finder’s, keeper’s.

Sweet tells the story of Maria “Sugar” Sweet, who has just been released from prison for grievous bodily harm. At 17, she’s already married and got a daughter – both of whom aren’t there when she’s released. Yet Maria is more pissed off about the fact that her husband ran off with her iPod than her daughter. Nice.

Anyway, the novel follows Sugar as she tries everything she can do get out of Brighton. Her first job is doing cleaning up for a pair of gay fashion designers, who decide to use her as their muse for their latest “product” (it later turns out that product is a range of clothes inspired by chavs.)

Sugar is a larger-than-life character, completely sure of her Goddessness and more than a bit of a slut, jumping from one guy to the next. Although she thinks she might be lesbian (there are frequent references to Kim, the girl who loved her, and Sugar didn’t realise she loved until it was too late), that doesn’t stop her from bedding her workmate Asif, making plans to shag a Chinese doctor she liked the look of, as well as snogging the face off anyone she meets.

I found it very hard to like Sugar, who is one of the most selfish, mercenary and insensitive people I’ve ever read about. Yet, I was totally drawn into her world (probably because it’s so different from mine.) She comes out with some of the most shocking and crass things – such as asking her 35-year-old pregnant mother, who wants her baby terminated, if she’d like to be pushed down the stairs to save money on an abortion, as well as referring to gays and lesbians in the widest range of derogatory terms I’ve ever heard. Plus, remember, she’s a mother. And she doesn’t care.

But I couldn’t help it, I felt myself giggling wickedly at everything Sugar said, and even empathising with her occasionally. Julie Burchill writes in the most colloquial way, but she does it so well and the book feels more like a chat with Sugar than anything else. Plus, the ghost of Kim hangs about through the entire novel, and you can feel Sugar letting her guard down about her one true love, who she’d (I’m guessing) manipulated and bullied in the first novel, only to regret it when it was too late. There was one passage in the novel where Sugar was remembering all the good times with Kim, and lamenting her loss, and that was Burchill’s way of showing that the cold bitch does have a heart after all.

Riotously good fun, shocking, rude, vulgar, unrealistic, yet utterly compelling, I was completely won over by “Sweet”, and will now be backtracking to read “Sugar Rush.”

- The Sea Inside (Alejandro Amenábar, 2004)A moving and well made story of the life of Ramon Sanpedro, a quadriplegic who is appealing for euthanasia, which is against Spanish laws. The film shows all the people in his life – from those that live with him (his elder brother, his sister-in-law, his nephew and his dad), to the two women who love him, Julia, a lawyer who herself is suffering from an illness, and Rosa, a single mum who firsts visits him out of curiosity (played willingly by Volver’s Lola Duenas). I found The Inside sad and intelligent (it doesn’t take sides), though a tad overlong and after a while I got bored of the flashbacks/dream sequences of Ramon diving into the sea. That said, it’s worth watching purely for Javier Bardem’s subtle and affecting performance. This is the guy that killed all them people in NCFOM, everyone!!

- Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (Richard Brooks, 1958)One of my favourite films of all time, about unfulfilled wife Maggie (Elizabeth Taylor, in sizzling form), whose handsome but indifferent and alcoholic husband Brick (Paul Newman, nearing Brando levels of hotness) not only doesn’t care about who’ll get his dad’s large inheritance, but also, won’t have sex with her. Tennessee Williams hated this version of his play due to the toned down references to homosexuality and Skipper’s suicide, but to be honest, they don’t have to spell it out for us to work it out. I saw this with my brother yesterday, which possibly detracted from the power somewhat as he could only see the funny side in it all (such as when Brick was chasing Maggie around the room with his crutch), but it still remains a highly enjoyable melodrama with one of the best ensembles I’ve seen.

- The Girl on the Bridge (Patrice Leconte, 1999)Another one of my favourites, though on a rewatch, I feel that my ranking it 43rd was a little high. I think it would be just outside my 100 now. It still remains a highly entertaining and witty experience, but I don’t know, I guess I just don’t like it as much a second time round. It’s about Gabor, a knife-thrower, who stops Adèle, a suicidal and confused young woman (who quite frankly, is a bit of a whore) from jumping off a bridge. Together, they form a double act in circuses, and their luck thrives everywhere. The entire film is really charming and quirky, not dissimilar to the oddness of Amelie, and the knife-throwing scenes are exhilarating to watch. Vanessa Paradis and Daniel Auteuil have such incredible chemistry that you wonder why Adèle would ever run off with another man. (Answer: 'cos she's easy.)

- The Spirit of the Beehive (Víctor Erice, 1973)OK, this is another film that was one of my all-time favourites, and my adoration for it has lessened slightly. I think I should only watch films once. Anyway, I think the second time round watching this, I just wasn’t as beguiled by the minutiae as I was the first time, and found some of the wordless scenes, frankly, a little dull. But I’m still as effusive, if not more so, in my praise for little Ana Torrent’s performance, which is probably one of my favourite from a young actress, nay, an actress, in cinema. Honestly, those eyes!! She was just beyond sweet, and every time she asked a naïve question, or gave that wide-eyed look, I just wanted to give her a massive hug. A performance, along with Jennifer Garner’s in Juno, to make me want to go and become a mother.

- Kinky Boots (Julian Jarrold, 2005)A winningly unassuming Britcom about mild-mannered Charlie Price who inherits his father’s ailing shoe company. Needing a bright idea to stop his company being walked over by repo men, he’s inspired by London transvestite Lola to start a niche market making boots for men. Mainly thanks to Chiwetel Ejiofor’s by turns charismatic but profound performance as Lola, and Simon, respectively, and Joel Edgerton’s bumbling nice guy, this film really works. Kinky Boots does what it says on the tin: make you laugh (Nick Frost is hilarious and the line about Ukrainian peasants had me giggling for half a minute), entertain you (the drag act scenes are oddly interesting), and generally give you a good time for 100 minutes. Just like the boots Lola wore before Charlie designed better ones.

- His Girl Friday (Howard Hawks, 1940)I said, goddamn. They talk quite quickly in this film, don’t they? Wow. And, after me going off three films slightly after watching them again, His Girl Friday only went higher in my estimations. The frenzied humour, the mile-a-minute speed of talking, and Rosalind Russell does wonders on the girl power front as highly capable and Godlessly reporter who was always too good to be just married off and become a housewife are just some of the things to love about Howard Hawk’s screwball and massively funny comedy.

It ended over a week ago, but I’m still in heavy The Apprentice-mood. Here are my picks for the funniest/most embarrassing moments in the series:

01.The 24-hour hotline for laundry.02. Kevin's analogy of the US not caring about global warming.03. Michael's supposed Jewishness.04. "It's like I've had to breast feed you."05. Lee's spelling on his application form.06. "If you don't pull your weight you're going to the boardroom, simple as that"07. Raef saying his words are his tool .08. "Who loves their tissues? Do you love your washing up liquid?"09. Losing people's clothes in the laundry task10. Michael begging in the boardroom11. Jenny getting bored when talking about the product she pitched.12. Michael stalking the guy to try and flog him an hour in the Ferrari.13. “I’m only 24!” Yes Alex, we know. You only said about 1000 times 14. Michael trying to explain where half the pizza went.15. The pathetic acting in the Atishu advert16. Lee's Atishu pitch17. Sara's crappy attempts to sell wedding cake.18. "Excuse me, have you heard of a Zoner?"

The Wasp Factory follows life of 16-year-old Frank, a truly sadistic and disturbed kid who likes to torture animals and has to date, killed three people (all children that are related to them), lives with their dad whose brother Eric has just escaped from a sanitarium.

When I was recommended this book, I was told that there was going to be a twist, so, all the way through, I was trying to guess it. I thought that the twist was going to be that Frank never killed those three people. Whilst that could be true (we only have his word to go by, after all), the twist is even more audacious and much more original than that, and it was doubly ironic considering how Frank spent a lot of the novel going on about how much he hated [them]. I was a bit bemused by it.

The book itself is like watching a catfight; not pretty, but impossible to draw your eyes away. The imagery of how he tortured the rabbits was disgusting, but the bit that practically had me reaching for the sick bucket was when Frank described the ordeal that his brother went through when tending to a baby at the hospital. It. Was. Horrible.

Although The Wasp Factory never quite reaches the levels of gleeful sadism that I dreaded, due to me having high expectations for the wickedness, I was still thoroughly disturbed and shocked by it. Frank is one of the most macabre yet interesting literary characters I’ve read about (he sees death as natural and feels no qualms about killing, yet felt compelled to kill his cousin to balance out the numbers in terms of gender), Banks creates him excellently and builds their world and their mindset. It’s an unpleasant book and thus unlikely to make it on my list of favourites, but it’s a fine Gothic tale that receives my recommendation – if you can brave it.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Hotels. Pickles. Stretchmarks. These are just three things that inspire Regina Spektor, the Russian-American musician who writes, sings, plays the piano, plays the guitar and is an all-round entertainer and artist of the highest calibre. I was reading through an issue of my school’s magazine from over a year ago, in which there was an article about the author’s favourite Regina Spektor songs, so I thought I’d do the same!

Born in Moscow on February 18th, her parents instilled a musical sense into her from an early age. Her dad, Ilya Spektor, was an amateur violinist, and her mum was a music teacher. She practiced the piano on a Petrof that was passed down from her granddad. Unfortunately, when her family emigrated from the USSR due to discrimination against the Jewish, the piano was left behind. No problem for Regina – she practiced the fingerings on windowsills until her family could afford to buy her another. And it’s a ruddy good thing she did, because she’s blossomed into one of the best artists around; her songs are deep, poetic, funny, sad, and have some of the most original lyrics I’ve ever heard.

Absolutely adore this song, it’s one of the strangest I’ve heard, and definitely one of Regina’s most sinister. Word of warning, though, play it loud, and, getting to the “regin-a-ah” bit sounds a bit like a woman having an orgasm.

09. BuildingsSifts through its siftJust sifts through its siftOh, Oh oooooSifts through its siftJust sifts through its sift

Like most Regina Spektor songs, a really tricky one to interrupt. I think it could be about a couple in love, but the woman drifting away from the man through her depression.

07. Poor Little Rich Boy Poor little rich boy, all the world is okayThe water runs off your skin and down into the drainYou’re reading Fitzgerald, you’re reading HemmingwayThey’re both super smart and drinking in the cafés

Always reminds me a bit of The Catcher in the Rye, for some reason.

06. OedipusI'm the king's thirty second sonBorn to him in thirty second's timeBorn to him the night still youngBorn to him with two eyebrows onAnd that's all I was wearingWhen I woke up staring at the world

One of Regina’s most vocally strong songs, this, like Samson, alludes to a well-known story – here, of Oedipus Rex, and builds a truly powerful song from a myth. One to make you sit up and think.

05. Chelsea Hotel #2I don't mean to suggest that I loved you the best,I can't keep track of each fallen robin.I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel,that's all, I don't even think of you that often.

This is a cover of Leonard Cohen’s Chelsea Hotel, and Regina sings it so, so well. His poetry + her voice = Heaven.

Another cover, this time, of John Lennon. Regina’s voice & piano playing in this song are just sublime, she captures the emotional lines perfectly.

03. BrailleElvis never could carry a tuneand she thought about this irony as she stared back at the moonShe was tracing her years with her fingers on her skin saying,Well, why don't I begin again

My choice for Regina Spektor’s most haunting song, Braille takes us through the life of a financially struggling single mother and her son named Elvis. The piano-playing in the intro is brilliant here, I still get shivers every time I hear it.

02. Love AffairThere was a love affair in this building,The kind of love affair that every respectable building must, keep as a legend.

This song demonstrates that Regina is not so much a songwriter as a storyteller too. Here, it is a fairly simple story of a man and woman in a building who meet and have a love affair. Listen to Regina’s warble on the line “mothers prefer doctors and law-aw-ars.” Incredible.

01. Samson

I loved you first, I loved you first.

Beneath these sheets of paper lies my truth.

Quite simply, the most beautiful song every written. I’m one of the few who prefer the faster version of this, but the lyrics that run through both are so beautiful, it breaks my heart. I connect with it completely, and I think everyone who’s ever felt love towards someone or something, and lost it, will do so too.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The two novellas were:Kill Swap (James Lovegrove)Despite being only about 60 pages in length, I really got a lot out of this book. It started with what seemed to be a Strangers on a Train-type plot – a boy, whose dad is being hounded by an uncompromising loan shark, agrees to kill a banker in the city he doesn’t know in return for the loan shark getting killed by someone else. But then the twists kick in. The problem with the short length of the novel is that we don’t really get given time to feel for the lad at the centre of it all – we get that he feels guilty, but he literally dwells over it for about three lines. That said, I really enjoyed it and thought it was very clever, particularly the nice bit of revenge at the end.

Fame Thing (Jonathan Meres)This is about a football-mad teenage girl, George, who befriends the footballer that has just moved into her town, despite everyone else thinking he’s “bad news.” Completely unrealistic and predictable from start to finish (George is in a wheelchair, and as soon as the footballer’s agent sees her in a wheelchair you can just work out that he wants to get the two together cos it’s good PR), though it had some nice domestic scenes between George and her brother, as well as George and her best friend Nick. Overall though, I think the book couldn’t decide what it wanted to be – a comment on the state of the media (which Kill Swap did terrifically), the story of a teenage girl getting hormones, or a warning about the dangers of being too successful too quickly. In the end, it didn’t achieve any of those things.

And the book I read was:

The Mathematics of Love (Emma Darwin)Reading this is becoming somewhat of a Summertime ritual now, though at times, it’s anything but a sunny read. The Mathematics of Love follows Stephen Fairhust, a Major returned from the brutality of Wellington's Peninsular War and Anna Ware, a 15 year old girl whose been fobbed off by her irresponsible mother, forced to live with her uncle and drunken grandmother in a dilapidated ex-school. Both experience love, though it’s far from without it’s tribulations. Stephen writes letters to Miss Durward, and, 150 years later, these letters are read by Anna, linking our two protagonists together.

Although it does take some getting into and not much seems to occur at first, every line was beautifully formed. I definitely preferred Stephen to Anna; some petulant streaks to Anna’s personality rendered her very dislikeable to me to begin with, but towards the end, I grew to respect her. I thought the way Darwin presented the relationship Anna pursued with an older man, photographer Theo, as well as the third person in their relationship Eva, was terrific, so, for that, I kind of preferred the modern strand more. Ooh, and I cried for poor Cecil. :( Overall, I really, really enjoyed this book.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

I was so busy celebrating the end of the exams that I nearly forgot to read, which would have been quite a crap way to start the “A book a day” campaign!

Anyway. Today, I opted for a book I’ve read before and didn’t love – critical darling The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold - to see whether my opinion of it would change in time for the 2009 release of the Peter Jackson directed film.

Right, well, where to start? Loved the cover picture, of the charm bracelet, hated just about everything else. The premise was fairly OK – dead girl caught in limbo between earth and heaven and looking down, but the execution just didn’t carry off. I didn’t like the detached writing style (though I do think it suited the novel), I wasn’t able to sympathise for any of the characters (I wasn’t convinced by some of the character’s “grief” – a mother that cheats following her daughter’s death is a little too pat, imo), and most of all, I got a really horrible feeling that Sebold took a grim sort of pleasure in describing Susie’s rape and murder, as well all of the other murder victims. She just kept going into all the detail, whilst trying to write in this classy way. Eww. Some critics said it was beautiful and uplifting, and whilst I wasn’t depressed by it or anything, it was definitely anything but beautiful. Rather, I thought it was kinda self-indulgent and turgid. Overall, I just thought it was a bit of a waste of time.

Saoirse Ronan says she hasn’t read the book yet. Let’s hope it stays that way.

The verdict:

^^ that was a naff review, I know, but I really do feel it was quite a naff book. I was “meh” following my first reading of it, but now I really dislike it.

This is when my past few weeks of not being online catches up with me and I blog excessively. The semi-finals of Britain's Got Talent were shown when it was my half term, and basically, I'd watch it everyday after doing some revision. And it was so entertaining! I loved everything about it, even though most of the acts were beyond naff. The judges' reactions were priceless sometimes.

So, I wanna know, from the 40 acts that performed in the semi-finals, or of any that you saw on Britain’s Got Talent, who was your favourite?

Here are mine:01. George Sampson.

Simon described him as the “dancing version of Rocky”, which scared me a little as a I hate Rocky, but yes, in the sense that he persevered and came back, he kind of is like Rocky. And I’m so glad he triumphed.

02. Escala.

I wasn’t so sure on their piece in the semi-final, but I thought they played Palladio AMAZINGLY. And they matched so well!

03. Signature.

Just bloody wonderful. I love the piece they danced to as well, it bungs a bit of Under Pressure and Billie Jean together. You can download it here.

04. Vizage.

Yeah, the singing was crud, but I really am still amazed at how she changes so quickly! (If someone knows the secret of the quick change act, tell me!)

05. That keepy-uppy guy.(even though he dropped the ball twice)

The worst were probably:Anya Sparks, the pervy magicians, Madonna DiCena (way to play the sob story card), Star Wars guy (LOLZ), Cheeky Monkeys, and Per Diem.

BBC’s The Apprentice is about 16 contestants who all vie to Sir Alan Sugar’s apprentice. In season four, we had a weird and wonderful range of characters, from “zany” business analyst Lucinda Ledgerwood, to beleaguered loudmouth Claire Young, the two bitches Jenny Celerier and Jennifer Maguire, debonair knight in shining armour Raef Bjayou, self-proclaimed arrogant and backstabbing Michael Sophocles, and Matt Lucas-look-alike Kevin Shaw. But it was ultimately Lee McQueen, a 30-year-old Recruitment Manager Lee McQueen who won it, and I’m really glad he did.

In a show rife with boardroom backstabbing and underhandedness, Lee was one of the few likable, genuine characters on the show. There have been a fair few toffs on the show (indeed, last year’s winner was a posh lad), but Lee was anything but. A bit inarticulate and shouty, he coined the show’s biggest catchphrase of the year – “That’s what I’m talkin’ about!” and said it just about every other minute. From time to time he would make me cringe for various reasons, from his absolutely ridiculous suggestions (for a greeting card, he came up with the idea of Alien Day), to his questionable spelling, and his CV debacle, on which he lied about attending a course for two years when it was really just four months, but overall, I really liked the guy. I liked his enthusiasm, I liked his sense of humour, and I liked his heart, which must surely have been made of gold.