Saturday, December 6, 2008

For the past month, maybe more, I've been feeling lost. Everything in my world has changed, and I find myself just wandering around looking for a path.....or really just wondering where my old one went.

My girlfriend of over 3 years broke up with me in the beginning of October and refuses to speak to me or even acknowledge that she ever knew me. It's just been really tough to deal with, especially since we were usually able to work things out. We would fight, but were always able to keep it together and move forward....together. This time she decided to move on alone. I look back and think about all the good times we had and it makes me upset. Mostly because I know that I'll never experience anything with her ever again. She was my best friend, and I loved her like I've never loved anyone in my life. I was able to tell her anything.....my fears, my loves, my regrets, my dreams.....anything. I could turn to her for anything, and she always knew how I felt....knew what I was thinking. I never had a connection with somebody like that. She was always there for me, no matter what the situation....she was my rock. I had so much trust in her, and now that she's gone I'm left feeling so alone. It's like I don't know where to turn. There was always this comfort level when I had her, like we were in it together......we would help each other out. Towards the end it just felt different. I suppose the love had faded. I knew that something was off, but I could never tell what, it was just.....different. And it bothered me for a while, because I knew I felt it, and knew that she felt it.....we just never did anything about it. I think it got to the point where we just couldn't stand each other anymore......or we just needed a break. And that's where we stand now. Only it's much more than a break.

I had never felt about anyone the way I felt for her. Love is a crazy thing. It can be the greatest feeling in the world, unlike anything else.....and it can also be the worst thing. For the first month and a half after we broke up I walked around with a knot in my stomach. Every time I thought of her (which was just about every second of every day), my whole body would tense up, the knot would seem to fill my stomach, and my mind would race a million miles an hour. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I lost interest in almost everything in my life. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep.....couldn't even think straight. I would just spend every day thinking about her and wondering where everything went. She was such a big part of my life that I couldn't accept the fact that she was gone. What happened to us? We were once a loving couple with dreams of a future together. And now.....nothing.

It's been a little over two months now that we're apart, and I'm just now starting to get over it. I'm at the point now where I'm just angry. Angry at her, angry at myself, angry at the world. Angry that we couldn't work it out. Angry that we never opened our mouths to each other. Angry that she bailed. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been sitting in my room curled up in a ball every day.....I have been out there trying to cope. I really have the most amazing friends in the world. They've been a really big part of me moving on and trying to forget it all. I realize that it's time to just completely let go, and I think that I'm almost ready to do that. It's so hard to think that I'll never see or speak to the person who, just 3 months ago, was the love of my life. It's just hard to let go. But I know I have to. For my sanity.

I won't lie and say that I don't think about her. She does still pop into my head from time to time, but that will pass soon enough. With time, all wounds will heal. Who knows what will happen in the future? But as of right now, I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Well, since this is the first post I thought that I wouldn't go too nuts. I'll probably just be writing anytime I get a remotely "intelligent" or "insightful" thought.....but who knows when that will be? Anyway, there are definitely things on my mind, which is the whole reason I started this thing, so hopefully it will act as some sort of therapy for me. I guess I'll end it here for now.....tbc....