Tag Archives: HOCD interview

Back in November, I noted that 99% of the questions I’m asked are related to HOCD. So I tried to write ONE GIANT REPLY (which you can read here), but it didn’t stop the questions from pouring in.

Frankly, I was exhausted and overwhelmed by HOCD questions, especially when I felt like I’d shared everything I could on the subject. But of course, everyone wants a personalized answer. I understand that, but I’m also not an HOCD expert or any kind of therapist.

So I let the questions sit for a while. Especially when I have a link to the above article right in the form where people can ask their questions.

But today, home sick on the couch, I wanted to tackle some more. A lot more. 🙂

Here we go.

I’m doing self-directed ERP now but I don’t know when should I stop doing exposure works. Do you have any clue?

I do. When you begin, you should rate your anxiety level 0-100. Continue to rate your anxiety level before, during, and after each exposure. Keep doing the exposure until your anxiety level drops to 50% of your original level.

Since my onset of OCD, I’ve become plagued with these fears and dark thoughts…especially the feeling that i am an a ‘bad’ person. Who will hurt others or myself. i feel unworthy and yearn to be the person i was before this illness- light and ‘good’ and kind. I fear greatly that I am an awful and terrible person. Is this normal and what can be done to help?

It is normal for OCD. 🙂 This sounds a lot like a combination of harm OCD plus hyper-responsibility plus depression, if I had to guess! ERP therapy will help. Check out http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

I don’t know anymore if it’s compulsive or not.. I used to watch different kinds of porn like gay or cuck*old to figure out what I may like.. I watched it but didn’t think about it a lot afterwards but felt disgusted.. like hijacked..maybe I’m looking for an excuse.. Just tried to sleep when images of a porn came and scared me.. like that must be the final proof that its not HOCD.

Proof that it’s not HOCD? To me, being scared or feeling wrong about it is proof that it is HOCD. ERP will help!

I live in a country where there is probably no erp therapy available (I’d be very surprised if there was), and these apps you listed are for iOS, i have an Android :(. Do you have any other tips/resources for self therapy? Thanks ❤ much love. I appreciate what you are doing :))

(My kind of ocd is religious one if that matters, I’m a christian)

Hello dear one, yes, if you have Facebook, try the Pax the OCD Bot (just search it in your Facebook searchbar). This article might also help: https://jackieleasommers.com/2014/10/05/self-directed-erp-therapy.

You don’t have any intrusive thoughts then? Or you do, and just don’t care?

I don’t have them nearly so often! When I do, I am usually able to pass them off now because ERP has re-wired my mind not to give them more worth than they deserve. On the occasion (usually once or twice a year) that the intrusive thoughts do get to me, I use my ERP tools and exposures and usually can get past it within a matter of hours and a good nap.

What is erp, to be honest? They expose you to your fears until you don’t care/find they annoying? Sorry for my ignorance

ERP is exposure and response prevention therapy. Here are some links where you can learn more:

I already am no longer afraid at my thoughts, no longer check, i just find them to be annoying as hell. Will i live with this “annoying friend” forever? Ugh. (i mean i believe one day God will heal me but while He doesn’t, will i just have to tell my brain to shut the hell up everyday? Man is that annoying). Thanks 🙂

Essentially, are you saying that you still have intrusive thoughts but they don’t cause you to perform compulsions? This is just real life, unfortunately! Everyone has ugly thoughts that come and go. The important thing is that when they come, they can also go. If you have a hard time letting them go, then ERP is your answer.

I’m afraid to go thought erp because my ocd is the religious kind. Is the doctor going to “make” me (i know no one can make anyone do anything, it’s just a manner of speech) do bad things (ex denying Jesus, wich i wouldn’t do not now not ever but my brain keeps shouting at me to do so)? I rather live my life like hell then actually going to hell, thank you

Completely understand that. Here’s a fictionalized version of how I had to approach such a tricky concept: https://jackieleasommers.com/2012/09/05/tipping-point-my-entry/

I really don’t want to be gay and I used to be so confident in my sexuality (I’m a girl btw) I just recently got a boyfriend and I didn’t like him that much but I still kinda liked him and I thought being with him would make me know I’m not gay but for some reason I just don’t want to hang out with him does that make me gay

Doesn’t make you gay at all. Probably just means what you said it does: you don’t actually like him that much. Don’t date a boy as a compulsion to prove your heterosexuality. Date a boy because you truly care about him. ERP can help with both HOCD and ROCD. Check out http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

I think I have HOCD but I’m not sure. My therapist is doing CBT but I don’t think it’s ERP and it’s making me anxious. Like what if this therapy goes know where and just becomes me talking about my problems.(what happened with my last therapist). Should I trust that she knows what she is doing? Her Website says she does CBT so by saying she does CBT does that mean she is also an expert on ERP?

CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is the umbrella term, and ERP (exposure and response prevention therapy) falls beneath the CBT umbrella. The best way to know if your therapist knows what he or she is doing is by educating yourself about what ERP looks like. I suggest reading the posts at http://www.jackieleasommers.com and also going through the list of questions to ask a therapist at https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/treatment/how-to-find-the-right-therapist.

am I actually recovering from HOCD? I am trying to manage my intrusive thoughts and no checking as well. I’m feeling much better however what’s causing me anxiety is that all my straight attraction is gone for a toss. I have had no history of experimenting with girls or having a crush on them. But I feel scared. I have always wanted to be with a guy. Will my attraction for guys ever come back?

ERP cannot change your sexual orientation. But I do hear from many sufferers that their attraction to others (the opposite gender if they are straight and have HOCD; same gender if they are gay and have HOCD) vanishes for a time. It’s normal for OCD.

Hi Jackie, I’m not having any kind of anxiety over my thoughts anymore. So I woke up and I got a feeling which said “I want to be lesbian” but there was no anxiety that followed. Which freaked me out. And today I was like okay fine, what if I am? That doesn’t change anything. But i know i want to be with a guy. Does that mean I’m recovering or does it mean I’m gay? I want to be with a guy.

This is meant gently and tongue-in-cheek, hon: “there was no anxiety” is followed immediately by “which freaked me out.” Which means there was actually still anxiety. 🙂 Your thought process here is actually correct! But I suspect it will still be bothersome for you until you do ERP. This will help: https://jackieleasommers.com/2017/11/01/hocd-4-steps-to-freedom.

G~Always thought of myself as straight,loved women and the female body always had 100s of crushes. Lately ive watched some gay porn and it actually has excited me to a certain point and i hate it so much.have felt like i would enjoy doing certain things and cant believe im thinking like this. Even been losing my attraction for the female body which i used to be crazy for. Is all this hocd related?

Very, very consistent with the HOCD experience. ERP can help! https://jackieleasommers.com/2017/11/01/hocd-4-steps-to-freedom/

So I’m a 16 year old and a female, for he past few months I’ve been having a thoughts like “what if I’m bi? Or a lesbian?” I know deep down that I’m not but these thoughts are making me think I am. I’ve always liked guys my whole life and have had crushes on them. I’ve never had a crush on a girl or liked one either. It makes me anxious every time I’m around a girl could it be HOCD?

I keep on crying idk what to do I feel alone I keep on thinking about having s*x with other girls but when I think about i get discussed I’m only 14 years old I can’t be going through this please give me advice on how to control it or get rid of it please I cant even look at my friends anymore without thinking do I like hereading? It’s really uncomfortable and weird I can’t stop crying please help

Oh you poor dear! OCD is hard at any age, but to be 14 and dealing with it … and with something as personal as HOCD … so uncomfortable and lonely and difficult. Exposure therapy can help. It’s up to you whether you’d like to tell your parents what you’re dealing with in detail, or whether you’d like to just tell them you’re confident it’s OCD but you want to discuss details only with a therapist, or if you’d prefer to do ERP on your own. Here are some links that might help:

Is it a normal symptom to feel an urge to kiss the same sex then get extreme anxiety during hocd? I feel so lost.

That is almost the literal definition of HOCD! ERP therapy can help: https://jackieleasommers.com/2017/11/01/hocd-4-steps-to-freedom/

Jackie, I need help. My boyfriend and I are believers and he has been struggling with OCD. Much of it is related to his faith. He just graduated Bible college and he can convince me it’s all spiritual warfare. I’m exhausted, he is too but he doesn’t think he’s OCD. I’ve looked all over for a therapist who does ERP near Rochester NY and I can not find a male. He won’t go to a woman. Plz help!Thanks

My OCD specifically attacked my faith. It goes after the things that are most important to a person, so that makes sense that– for someone like your boyfriend who cares about scripture and God– it would attack that in his life. I hope he will read through the following posts:

The past year I have been struggling with a fear of selling my soul through intrusive thoughts. I recently had a thought that if I didn’t write everything I write in perfect grammar, then my soul belonged to Satan. I didn’t fight the thought as I usually do, and this was before I learned that I was supposed to ignore the thought. Does that mean that I meant the thought?

I’ve had similar thoughts before. I think most people have, except that for those of us with OCD, it’s far harder to say, “Well, that was ridiculous!” and move on. 🙂 ERP therapy changed my life in this manner; I’m not being dramatic. I hope it will help you too. Lots of details at http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

I think I am suffering from hocd I’d like to talk to you about it please

Hi friend! I am not a therapist. Here’s how to find one: https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/treatment/how-to-find-the-right-therapist/

Also consider trying Facebook’s Pax the OCD Bot. It’s just a robot, but it feels like chatting with a therapist!

Is it normal to feel false attractions and feelings towards the same sex with OCD. I was clinically diagnosed by 2 doctors with OCD yet I still doubt I have it and am scared that some things aren’t OCD even tho I never felt them before this obsession started. Sometimes I notice that the “attractions and feelings” are just normal feelings and such but they feel really real and unwanted and scary.

This is all normal for OCD. In fact, doubting that you have OCD is also normal for OCD– I’m not sure I’ve ever met someone with OCD who hasn’t doubted that they truly have it! Exposure therapy is the key to disarming the doubt. Check out http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

Continuing from the false feelings and attractions thing. So they don’t feel good and I get them for my sister and mom too!!! And objects like random objects! They confuse me because they feel like attraction or something but I know it can’t be cause it just doesn’t make sense but it can feel pretty real. How do I know for sure they aren’t real??? What if I’m bi/gay??? I fear both I fear all attra

cont’d below

Continuation again these attractions and such Do not feel good no matter how much my mind convinces me they do like I don’t lay back and just think about them and be happy no I fear them and hate them and when they show up it’s like LEAVE ME ALONE YOU RUON MY LIFE. Ok do u think I really have hocd???? How do I know for 100% sure I don’t feel anything for the same sex I don’t want to feel anything

OCD is a real beast, isn’t it? It goes after things that are most important to us, like our personal sexuality and even the pure feelings we have toward our families. You can take down this beast of an illness with exposure therapy. Check out http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

Our son, Nick is 17 yrs old, turned 16 yrs old, and developed signs of depression. He appears to have HOCD. Older brother revealed to family that he was gay. Nick was then 13. Nick was a very social and talkative kid until the last 2 yrs. One love – very gifted competitive swimmer. Seeing a therapist and psychiatrist,, taking meds- not seeing great results. No ERP close by? Struggling terribly.

First of all, it’s clear you are an amazing parent. Great work!! ERP is truly the answer here, and the great thing about it is that you don’t need a professional in order to do it.

Hi jackie, I’m suffering from i think religous OCD, i keep on praying until i am satisfied with my praying. Also i am thinking about Jesus Christ is different from God, can you help me please? Thanks jackie

The important thing here is to understand that OCD is an illness, treated like an illness. You don’t treat OCD with learning theology. You treat it with ERP therapy and meds, okay? Once you do that, then you will be able to enjoy your relationship with Christ and dive wholeheartedly into theology in a healthy way. Check out https://jackieleasommers.com/2017/07/25/does-my-erp-therapist-need-to-share-my-faith.

I am being treated by a Psychiatrist for depression/anxiety. I am also rather sure i have OCD, as I have all the symptoms but I am afraid to tell my doctor about my intrusive HOCD related thoughts as they are strange and taboo. I am also worried she will think I am crazy and maybe not know about HOCD. My HOCD is also under control now and that making me procrastinate telling the DR. Any advice?

I can appreciate the fear that goes into telling someone about taboo intrusive thoughts. If your therapist or psychiatrist is an OCD expert, they will not be shocked at all. This is common territory within OCD. Unfortunately, many doctors and therapists are still unfamiliar with OCD/HOCD and end up giving awful advice that only makes things worse. The more you educate yourself on OCD and HOCD, the more you will be able to recognize whether or not your therapist/psychiatrist knows about it!

This article may help: https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/treatment/how-to-find-the-right-therapist/

Dear Jackie, sorry for another HOCD question (I am a straight male), I know HOCD can make you feel a loss of attraction to the sex you’ve always been attracted to, but can it make you fearful of that sex? This occured after reading an account from a female perspective of HOCD that got me really confused, like I’m now afraid of women despite wanting to be attracted to them like my normal self.

I’ve been suffering with hocd or what I think is hocd for just over 3 years. I have just recently started to see a cbt therapist. I was wondering when you went through this did you have a nagging feeling constantly in your head. Also how did you accept the uncertainty that all of this brings to get rid of the obsessional ruminations.

First of all, check out https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/treatment/how-to-find-the-right-therapist. It’s important to find a therapist who truly understands OCD and how to treat it with exposure therapy.

Secondly, ERP therapy is how you learn to accept the uncertainty. It takes about 12 weeks, and it’s very hard, but it’s life-changing. It re-wires your brain back into a healthy pasture. 🙂

Hi I’m not sure if Hocd or am I gay or bi I keep checking gay porn hundred times a day but my mind telling me I like it but I have no arousal then when switch to female I get aroused instantly so I can’t figure what going on

The key word here is “checking”– that is a very, very common compulsion. ERP therapy can help: https://jackieleasommers.com/2017/11/01/hocd-4-steps-to-freedom/

Was diagnosed with other types of ocd, but now not sure if I have HOCD or gay? Always had crushes on boys/had straight relationships.I feel like my personality is straight but once I started worrying I was gay i put pressure on sexual arousal to men/penises and now it feels like I’m no longer sexual attracted to men but am to women..emotionally speaking/crushes never wanted to be with a woman.

You can have OCD and then experience many different “themes” within it. For me, until I treated OCD with exposure therapy, my themes just got harder and worse as I went along untreated. Once I treated OCD for one theme, it took care of them all. 🙂 Read about it at http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

Hi Jackie I’ve think I’ve been suffering from pocd but I can’t tell it started once I graduated high school I’m an 18 yo male I had never worried I was attracted to kids but now I’m constantly worried about it all of a sudden I started having thoughts of kids but in sexual situations and they tormented me I’m seeing a therapist and she says it’s ocd but I’m scared it’s not

Ahhh, the doubting disease … where it even causes us to doubt whether we have it! What you wrote is the textbook description of POCD, and it means that you actually value healthy sexuality and would never hurt a child. That’s why you have all the anxiety and torment! (A pedophile would enjoy it.) Exposure therapy can help, even though it is really difficult. It’s 12 hard weeks, but it is wayyyyy better than a lifetime plagued by such thoughts. Check out http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD.

Is this HOCD or am I in denial? I am 13 and I suffer from depression and anxiety, a month ago I thought to myself ‘what if I’m gay?’ Which stared this torment. I had never had any crushes on girls only guys and I felt it getting worse each day. Now I feel like I have no orientation but still an plagued with thoughts images and sensations. I don’t know if it’s the antidepressant or I’m in denial.

May I introduce a third option? What if it’s not the antidepressant OR denial, but you just suffer from HOCD, a treatable illness? ERP therapy can help, truly: https://jackieleasommers.com/2017/11/01/hocd-4-steps-to-freedom/

Hi Jackie, I was in therapy but left because the exposures were too scary: he wanted me to ‘agree’ with my thoughts…I was worried I was aroused by horrible sexual intrusive thoughts, so I would say “yes, I was turned on by that!” I saw that this is basically what you did? I thought saying “maybe I was” would be effective, too…or even “it’s just OCD.”

I completely understand this. Here’s a fictionalized version of how I was able to side-step things in ERP and still beat OCD: https://jackieleasommers.com/2012/09/05/tipping-point-my-entry/

hi

Hello buddy. 🙂

I’m a 16 year old girl who is struggling w HOCD. I am 99% sure I have HOCD. However, when I read about the difference between gay and HOCD or even about gay, my mind makes me feel like I am truly relating to the gay side of things even if I relate more to hocd when it comes down to it. Is that normal?

OCD/HOCD will make you doubt everything. Does the idea give you anxiety or stress? If so, that’s very telling! Try to take deep breaths and continue to read up on HOCD. Knowledge is powerful!

Hi Jackie, this question is also about HOCD, it’s just that I can’t find anyone who at the moment has the same problem. Not only am I scared of people of the same sex but also of people of the opposite sex because I’m so worried I might not be attracted to them. So basically I am avoiding both genders.. What should I do? Should I be doing ERP for both?

As you can see, I was asked this question (or something similar) by two other people even in this thread! So you are not alone. 🙂 Do ERP for HOCD, and it should eventually kick everything else’s butt too. I did ERP specifically around my religious/spiritual obsessions, but it also took care of any other themes I was experiencing too, because ultimately ERP is restoring a healthy brain wiring to you.

Hi Jackie i am 15 year old girl and i feel like am going crazy. I think i am dealing with HOCD i never been diagnosed with ocd before but am not sure i been dealing with this ever since i was 13 but i never told anyone or gotten help. I feel like it’s different this time i feel like am always in denial. I have lost my attraction to the oppsite sex it it depresses me.i always had crushes on guys

You’re not crazy. As you can read above, what you’re going through is a very common experience within HOCD, even down to losing attraction to the gender you’re usually into.

It’s up to you whether you’d like to tell your parents what you’re dealing with in detail, or whether you’d like to just tell them you’re confident it’s OCD but you want to discuss details only with a therapist, or if you’d prefer to do ERP on your own. Here are some links that might help:

Well, folks, she’s back … the lovely Ms. Hannah, a former HOCD sufferer who has been featured on my blog in four previous interviews. I recommend you read them first so that you can be properly introduced to her and her story.

I keep an anonymous survey open year-round for people to submit HOCD questions, and when a number have gathered, I do another interview. The first question, however, was an anonymous comment on a blog post about Mae, another HOCD sufferer, who wrote, “I went to the gym a lot and if I thought a woman’s butt was hot, I was supposed to just appreciate her beauty and not doing anything else with the thought.”

Anonymous asks: What did she mean when she said that she appreciated women for their beauty? Did she mean sexually or just like “Oh they’re really pretty I want to be them”? I’m trying to do self ERP so I just want to make sure.

Hannah: I can’t speak for Mae, but for me, the exposure of “just appreciating a woman’s beauty” would not be the equivalent of “I want to be them.” It would be just what it says and nothing more– “That woman is beautiful. I like beauty.” There might be sexual feelings or arousal there as well, but that’s part of ERP too. The important thing is to let the thought just be a thought.

Anonymous asks: I’m a girl and I think I have HOCD, is it normal to picture having a husband and being calm about it then starting to picture having a wife and suddenly get anxiety over it? Thank you

Hannah: It’s normal if you have untreated HOCD! Now, after ERP, that thought wouldn’t give me anxiety. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have that thought anymore. It would be more likely for me to find myself physically attracted to a woman, but I don’t think in terms of “Oh, I wonder if I’m actually gay” anymore. ERP wiped that out of my brain– paradoxically, it did this by making me okay with the thoughts I hated and the uncertainty. Once I let uncertainty have its own way, it quit bothering me. I wasn’t a slave to it anymore; bored with me, it moved on.

Anonymous asks: Is it normal to feel LESS anxious about the intrusive thoughts after months?

Hannah: Three different answers to this question, Anon.

1) If you are not treating the HOCD with exposure therapy: yes, sure. The anxiety often advances and retreated for me in all my OCD themes, not just HOCD. But until I did ERP, things would just come back later– and worse.

2) If you are treating HOCD with exposure therapy: yes, that’s the goal. For me it took about three months of daily exposures before the anxiety went away.

3) If you not treating the HOCD and you’re less anxious about your intrusive thoughts but you’re actually sort of worried about that (i.e. you think you might just be growing accustomed to your “new” orientation*+), that’s also pretty common for people with HOCD. They sometimes start losing attraction to the gender they are typically attracted to. Problem here is … you’re probably not actually less anxious here. The fact that you asked the question at all reveals that there is still anxiety around the subject for you.

*I used apostrophes around “new” because although I definitely acknowledge gender fluidity, I don’t think the situation around HOCD means the same thing.

Hannah: I don’t know, honey. Depends on your worldview how you answer this one. I like to think that pain has a purpose and that those of us who suffer from mental illnesses will one day understand what the purpose was. Even if we don’t ever find out, I still believe that.

Anonymous asks: When you imagined “same-sex scenarios” in your head, did you actually think you enjoyed them?

Hannah: Yes and no. I mean, clearly, my response was tremendous anxiety, so no. But the anxiety came because I … thought? … I enjoyed them. OCD is a fucker.

Anonymous asks: I’m really young to have HOCD and I don’t want to tell anyone. I feel like I’m straight and I have always been attracted to the opposite gender. But now I’m scared what if I stop liking them?

Hannah: You poor dear! I was also young when HOCD first attacked me– 8th grade. What is that, 14? Everything that you write in your short three sentences indicates HOCD though. Jackie wrote a post that young people (or really anyone) with HOCD can share with their parents or loved ones so that the responsibility of explaining the disorder and what they need to treat it doesn’t rest on the sufferer. She’ll probably link it. [Jackie interjects: here it is!]

Anonymous asks: Hi, I read your articles and found myself in every word.After getting to know about HOCD I had a more peaceful like very peaceful week, but now the feeling are coming back and they start seeming so real. Could it be more than HOCD?

Hannah: Thanks for reading my other interviews! It’s so nice to know they are helping people! As I said in an answer above, OCD themes come and go, and the intensity comes and goes too, at least for me. I can’t tell you how many times (especially when I was younger) I thought I had “solved” my problems. Unfortunately, what would happen is that the problem would rear its ugly head a few weeks or a month later. OR a new– usually worse– issue or theme would begin. But when I did ERP therapy, that cycle stopped.

Anonymous asks: I feel very uncomfortable around lesbians and hay people because of my hocd. And part of me thinks that they are trying to make me one of them, a lesbian, by saying things like “you could go good with a girl” and it freaks me out! How do you control something like that? I hate my hocd and I’m %100 sure I have it. It doesn’t control me as much as when I first got it but I still get those nasty thoughts. These people are also a bad influence, how do I keep myself away from them?

Hannah: So, a couple thoughts here. I’m not sure if you meant that gay and lesbian people are a bad influence or if you just meant that the people you’re surrounded by are a bad influence. I hope the latter. Homosexual people are usually pretty awesome. Sure, there might be a bad apple in the bunch, but that’s going to happen with straight people too. That said, if the group of people you’re hanging around with are really, truly a bad influence on you, you need to speak up or duck out. The reason that I think you might mean that is that you said that they say things that freak you out and that you can’t control. Take the person aside and politely tell them, “It bothers me when you say X.” If you can’t say that to them, they are not very good friends. If you do have HOCD and one of your compulsions is avoidance of gay friends, then your exposure is to make sure you spend time with them. In general, the phrase “how do I keep myself away from X?” is not helpful in treating OCD of any stripe. In exposure therapy, you … well, expose yourself to X.

Anonymous asks: hey hannah im a fourteen year old girl whos been constantly worrying about her sexuality for about a year and a half now. one thing i can’t get over and i always revert back to is how when i was younger about 10 i would have lesbian fantasies before i would go to sleep. i dont think i ever wanted to do that with a girl however i would enjoy the fantasies. i cant seem to get over this and it doesnt seem to be a similar trait amongst straight people. could you please help

Hannah: Hi dearie! Oh how I can relate to being fourteen and dealing with HOCD! My heart goes out to you. Here is my honest-to-goodness thought: you wrote, “it doesnt seem to be a similar trait amongst straight people”; in reality, I think it’s probably pretty common and just not widely talked about. There is a scale that shows a person more about their sexual orientation, and it takes into account so many factors– past, present, future, as well as sexual attraction, sexual behavior, and sexual fantasies, those three being very different, and others. In other words, homosexual fantasies do not equal homosexual orientation. I thought the scale was fascinating. THAT SAID, I DO NOT RECOMMEND THAT PEOPLE SUFFERING FROM HOCD GO TAKE THIS. YOU HAVE A DISORDER THAT CAN SKEW THE RESULTS OF THIS QUIZ AND WHICH WILL MAKE TAKING THE QUIZ MISERABLE. Please do not Google it. If you Google it, baby puppies will die. And angels will not get their wings. Instead, do exposure and response prevention therapy. It can change your life. It changed mine.

Anonymous asks: More than a month ago, I suffered from HOCD. Then my mom showed me a website that talked about HOCD, which matched my condition. At first, I thought I was in denial! That website relieved me for a month and a half, until now. Well, two weeks ago, HOCD came back again. It comes and goes. I don’t know why. Sometimes, I feel totally heterosexual, while other times, I have doubts. It’s strange. Is this actually HOCD? Thanks!

Hannah: Neither Jackie nor I can diagnose you– you need to see a professional for that– but everything you are describing (including the “it comes and goes” and “I have doubts” and the fact that you were “relieved”) sounds like HOCD. Read up about HOCD and try ERP. Since you have already talked to your mom about this, it sounds like you two have a good, safe, close relationship. Explain to her about ERP therapy (and if you don’t know about it, go to http://www.jackieleasommers.com/OCD and read, read, read!) and ask her to help you meet with an ERP specialist.

Anonymous asks: I always have the impulse to look at girls butts and boobs and check if I’m “turned on”,did you have that problem when you had HOCD?

Hannah: Absolutely. I think this is probably THE most common compulsion for those of us with HOCD. In exposure therapy, you will need to stop the checking. It might sound impossible on the front end, but so many people suffering from HOCD and other types of OCD have done this successfully and now lead happy lives.

Anymous asks: Hey, your probably not gonna answer since this was a long time, but I have liked boys my whole entire life. I was always and happy and confindent with my sexuality. Im scared for my future especially since I am young and I want a husband and kids one day. I constantly look at people blogs, forums, support group pages because I feel relief im not alone and helps calm me down. I dont hang out with my friends or go outside anymore. I know deeply im gay. This fear all started when I was watching tv and saw 2 of the same-sex kissing and then the thought “am I gay” and started to panic. I cry almost everyday because i just dont want tl be gay ever. Anyways I did have intrusive thoughts like “your gay” every single day but I just let it be there. I don’t have intrusive thoughts anymore but it’s like im still scared to be gay. Im not bothered by the thoughts anymore which scare me. I still don’t want to talk to my friends or go outside, because when I went to instagram and saw a girl that was pretty and I had this feeling in my chest I don’t know what it is but I started to have a pabic attack. Then I would constantly ask myself ” wouldn’t I have liked girls when i was younger” or ” All my life I never liked girls and I only liked boys so why am I so worried. I don’t wanna be gay. But. Anyways I’ll start asking my questions. Is it possible to just become gay by a thought? …

Hannah: No.

… Does it mean im gay because my intrusive thoughts are almost gone but im still worried to be gay? …

Hannah: No.

… I used to like this boy but now I don’t feel as attracted to him like before. I feel like my attraction for boys is gone. Does that mean I turning gay. …

Hannah: No.

… Thank you if you do answer and btw I am 15 years old and a girl. Sorry if I have grammar mistakes. I just don’t want to be who I was before hocd. I don’t want to be scared to go outside or go on some social media because I might see a girl. Please help.

Hannah: The best help for HOCD is exposure and response prevention (ERP) therapy. Every OCD expert will tell you the same (note: I am not an OCD expert, but I still agree!). Take deep breaths and learn as much as you can about ERP. Then either find an ERP therapist or get a book written by an OCD expert that will guide you through doing ERP on your own. Jackie will link resources below.

Thanks, everyone! Great questions! Keep ’em coming!

Hey guys. Jackie here again. I want to thank all of you who posted such good questions, and I especially want to thank Hannah for generously taking the time to answer them all. As Hannah mentioned, resources follow. The very last link two links are for alternative ways to do ERP without meeting with a therapist.

First of all, if you go to a therapist and they tell you that you are not gay or try to tell you that it’s just a fantasy, look for someone else. This person does not understand ERP and OCD. The goal of ERP is to EXPOSE you to your deepest fears. I know that sounds like the most terrifying thing, especially if your obsessions are causing so much anxiety.

I will continue to reiterate this- ERP CHANGED MY LIFE. I don’t say this lightly AT ALL. I was extremely doubtful when it first began that any change would take place. I was ready to fight this OCD beast, but I was also scared of what exposures I would have to do.

Your therapist will personalize your therapy to YOU.

At our initial consultation, my therapist helped me rate my anxiety and we started with the things that made me the least anxious and worked up front here. By the end of ERP, the things that once made me the most anxious were not as bad…

For me it began with a few different recordings, or scripts that I listened to several times per day. It also consisted of not allowing myself to continually ask for reassurance from family members, or google anything having to do with OCD. Anyone with OCD knows that the Internet is a big, dark, deep hole that is nearly impossible to escape once you enter.

I began by listening to the scripts and trying my damn hardest to not neutralize thoughts (ex: not telling myself “this isn’t me” or “I’m not really a lesbian”). I was supposed to just simply (was it really that simple?!) listen to the scripts. The first one began with my therapist recording a script in his voice. I listened to this script as much as possible over the course of 2 weeks (5-10 times per day). Some moments it didn’t cause much anxiety at all; at other moments it was EXCRUCIATING. Sometimes the anxiety was just my mind racing, while other times it was a sinking feeling or my chest would get tight. Sometimes, I just cried.

The next script was one in my voice. This one was a little more convincing and harder to listen to… I listened to this one for about 2 weeks as well.

After four weeks of scripts, my therapist and I came up with some “real-time” exposures. For instance, I didn’t avoid any articles that I saw on the Internet regarding homosexuality. I was supposed to read them or at least acknowledge them. I honestly had never really had issues with homosexuality or gay people before this thought popped into my life. I also didn’t have my heart skip a beat or a queasy feeling in my stomach when I would see any kind of news story on homosexuality before this obsession wreaked havoc on my life.

I also had to sit with different thought patterns I had. If I was with a same sex friend that I found attractive, I was supposed to just let my mind wander and let the thoughts be there. I wasn’t supposed to neutralize them or reassure myself.

I went to the gym a lot and if I thought a woman’s butt was hot, I was supposed to just appreciate her beauty and not doing anything else with the thought. The gym was probably the hardest exposure for me because there were so many different variables. I wouldn’t know who would be there on any given day. For awhile I even avoided a class taught by someone who is openly gay. I thought going to her class would make me suddenly “become a lesbian” or she would know I was having these thoughts…

It wasn’t until about my tenth or eleventh session that I actually noticed my thoughts shifting. I went to 14 ERP sessions. It all depends, but my therapist said ERP can be anywhere from 10-20 sessions.

I am going to list a few things I that have improved in my life since ERP:

1. SLEEP!

2. Being present with friends and family (I felt like I was in a continual fog for quite a few months).

3. An enjoyment of begin at the gym, work, stores with out feeling like I am constantly checking between people.

4. The ability to read a book or watch a show without thoughts/obsessions/compulsions taking over.

5. Weight- I honestly kind of appreciated losing weight at first, but then it became real sucky to not enjoy food at all.

6. A renewed faith in God. I was very, very angry at God for quite some time. Mental illness is no joke. People don’t talk about it and its a very real thing to so many. My brother has struggled with a wide variety of OCD themes since he was 11. This journey has actually made us a lot closer.

7. I have become more “selectively vulnerable.” If I notice someone seems to be struggling, I gently ask some questions. If anxiety, depression, etc. come up I tell them a piece of my journey. I KNOW that my story has been used to impact others. Also, Jackie Lea’s vulnerability helped me to get help. We are all part of this OCD/ERP puzzle.

8. Work- I enjoy my job so much, but during this struggle it was really difficult for me to focus. I actually feel like I have improved at my job since ERP.

9. I’ve embraced the fact that each day is new. You might still experience setback, frustrations, fear, doubt… Yet, each moment and each day are new.

10. People with OCD have been said to be some of the most intelligent and creative people. I will own that. 😉 For real though, I’ve started doing more creative art projects to really hone in on that gift that I’ve been given. I’ve also looked at my “steel trap” memory as an asset instead of a curse. During my darkest days of OCD, I would get so incredibly frustrated by my ability to recall the most random, detailed memories in my life. Now, I use this skill to make people feel valued and honored by acknowledging important details about them.

11. Sex is something I look forward to now. For a period of time, I was going through the motions in every area of life. I actually feared sex with my husband because I was worried that the thought would pop in during something that was supposed to be enjoyable.

12. Our family went on a big trip this past year and I was honestly dreading it all year. I thought it would be awful. The trip was actually planned right around the time OCD kicked in. I thought, “There is no way I will be doing better in a year.”

With the trip, I was worried about being away from home, I was concerned that OCD would creep back in with its ugly tactics, I thought that OCD would rob me of experiences on a trip that was intended to be lovely. Guess what?! I had a great time on the trip. It was lovely. I enjoyed it so much, which I consider a huge victory.

I want to once again clarify something. OCD will not completely disappear for many people by doing ERP. What it will do is rewire your brain. I would say my symptoms have improved by 85-90%, which is HUGE. The times that OCD likes to sneak back in are when I am stressed, tired, or duing my menstrual cycle. During these times, I remember to do lots of self care. I make sure I set healthy boundaries, take walks, baths, whatever feels best at that time to make sure I am ok.

Note from Jackie: Thank you for sharing, Mae! I would love to interview someone with HOCD who is homosexual, as HOCD effects both straight and gay people. Both of the people I’ve interviewed so far on this blog have been straight. If you are gay and have struggled with HOCD (in which you doubted your homosexuality and feared you might be straight) and have underwent exposure therapy, contact me! I’d love to feature your story on my blog– anonymously, if you prefer!

I “met” Mae online about a year ago, when she reached out to me after finding my website. What began as some advice-giving developed into a friendship, and it’s been incredible to watch Mae blossom over the last year as she underwent the difficult, incredible choice of exposure therapy to treat her OCD.

Today she’ll share more about her experience with HOCD, and tomorrow she’ll share about her experience with exposure therapy. Mae is terrifically detailed and vulnerable in her story, and I know that will benefit so many of my blog readers.

Thanks,
Jackie

Where do I even begin…

I’ve always been a bit of an “internally anxious person.” When I look back on my life, i had different unwanted thoughts, but it was much easier to dismiss them.

One night after a particularly stressful week at school, my husband and I were having sex (which is normally quite enjoyable!) and the thought “what if I’m a lesbian?” popped into my brain OUT OF NOWHERE.

I could not sleep. Eating was extremely difficult. I lost 20 pounds. I felt like I was in a continual fog. From the moment I woke up to the moment that I attempted to fall asleep, I had continual thoughts surrounding this theme. Sometimes my brain would get bored with the “what ifs” and it would twist and turn things to different things like “you don’t really love your husband” or “hey, check out that co-worker’s butt.” I would walk through a store and continually ask myself, “Is that woman attractive or do I find that man more attractive?”

Every piece of my identity that I had ever known seemed to be crashing before me.

Sometimes I didn’t feel physical anxiety, it was more of a mind game. My head was CONSTANTLY racing with so many competing thoughts. It was extremely exhausting.

Every little thing became an obsession. “Did I like my best friend, she has great boobs and she is smart.” “My instructor at the gym is a lesbian, does she know I’m having these thoughts?” “I’ve always liked boys, I even remember my first crush in elementary school.” “Do I dress feminine enough?” Every.little.thing. consumed me.

OCD likes to latch onto something that is central to our identity or a theme that is close to us. This thought was all consuming for 3-5 months. I tried EVERYTHING. I did mindfulness exercises, I prayed, I tried to eat “whole foods,” I did acupuncture, I worked out SO much, I tried essential oils, I tried natural supplements. I was desperate, but SO SCARED to go on meds and SO SCARED to try ERP. [Jackie interjects: ERP = exposure and response prevention therapy. This is the frontline treatment for OCD.]

I went to three different counselors before I found one that truly did ERP. Do not be dismayed if that freaks you out. I didn’t really understand what ERP was until the tail end of my therapy search. I thought CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and ERP were the exact same thing. They are not. ERP is the BEST possible thing you could do for yourself. I cannot say that I am “cured” or that I waved a magic wand and my obsessive thoughts went away. What I can say is this, for 13 months I felt like I was in hell on Earth in so many ways. I can now say the only time the obsessive thoughts bother me is during my menstrual cycle. Sometimes I will still get a bothersome though outside of my cycle, but now I’m able to let the thought float on by. Whereas 13 months ago these thoughts consumed SO many hours of my day. These were hours that I could have been enjoying time with family, friends, my husband, and I could have been enjoying delicious food too! I had ZERO appetite for quite some time. It sucked.

I can now say that 90% of my life is great thanks to ERP and medication. I understand and honor any individual’s choice on medication. I was very, very skeptical of going on meds. I finally had to acknowledge that a combination of ERP therapy and medication helped SO much.

I’ve accepted and acknowledged that its perfectly normal and ok to enjoy someone else’s appearance (same sex or opposite). We are sexual beings created to admire beauty. I still fully love my husband and find him incredibly attractive. Do I still admire some women’s butts or their outfits? YES! And, instead of that thought and admiration cycling out of control into n endless number of questions I let the thought be there.

I have written my ERP therapist since finishing session with him. I continually have told him how grateful I am for the work and transformation that took place in my life. Therapy sessions are over, but ERP is a continual practice. It gives you tools in your toolbox to live a healthy life, one that isn’t consumed by doubt, questioning, and anxiety.

The biggest thing I want each of you suffering with HOCD to know is: You are brave. You can do hard things. ERP is scary, but if you are willing to put in the hard work and effort the flip side is incredibly worth it.

If you have HOCD-related questions for Hannah, please read the above interviews first to see if she has already answered them. If not, you can anonymously submit your question(s) for Hannah by clicking here.

Once I collect a handful of questions for her, I’ll send them her way and post the answers!

Hannah is open to a second interview, if there are enough questions from blog readers. First, if you haven’t already read her first interview, read it at the link above. Then leave your questions for Hannah in the comments below.

Hey peeps! Since I’ve been getting so much traffic on my blog in regard to HOCD (homosexual OCD), I thought I’d do another post on it. This interview is with “Hannah,” who tells me she is ready to bare all (except for her real name, ha!) for the sake of helping others better understand HOCD, that obsessive-compulsive phenomenon where a straight person obsesses over being gay or a gay person obsesses over being straight.

I think you’ll enjoy this interview. Hannah said there was no question too personal, so I really went for it! 🙂 If you have additional questions, leave them in the comment section, and maybe we can force more truths out of Hannah.

Disclaimer: This post is not intended to make a statement on homosexuality itself. It’s intended to open up our eyes to HOCD, which is a lie that both straight and homosexual obsessive-compulsive people battle with. It’s not about the morality of homosexuality– it’s about people who believe lies about their sexuality at the hand of OCD. My blog readers are ahhh-may-zing, so I doubt I even need to say this, but nevertheless: if comments get mean or stray away from the topic of HOCD, they will be deleted. You’re a fool if you think I’ll let you bash any of my friends, gay or straight.

Jackie: Tell us a little about your history with HOCD.
Hannah: I was in junior high when I first started questioning if I was gay. It came on really suddenly, like, in a MOMENT. One minute I was this boy-crazy girl and the next I wondered if maybe I was gay. But the thing was, I didn’t want to be gay … at all. AT ALL.

Jackie: What triggered this sudden change?Hannah: I found one of my (girl) friends attractive. OCD doesn’t need something big to work with. It will take whatever you’ll give it.

Jackie: What was your reaction?Hannah: Cold dread. I mean, I was terrified. I didn’t want to be gay. I wanted to like men– I DID like men– but suddenly it was all I could think about. Every girl I would see, I would think, “Do I think she is pretty?” and then, of course, I had to take it a step farther: “Would I want to kiss her?” Every girl, I’d start imagining myself kissing her. It made me sick.

Jackie: It made you sick? Readers will wonder how you didn’t realize then that you weren’t gay, you know!Hannah: Yes, I know. Because it doesn’t FEEL obvious. I kept focusing on what I was doing: thinking of kissing every girl. That felt like evidence that I was gay. The fact that it made me sick barely registered, for some reason. I guess it’s just how OCD works. It’s all very confusing. Well, then of course, there was the fact that I DO think girls are beautiful. Sometimes more beautiful than men. Their bodies definitely are. Most of us can agree to that, haha!

Jackie: So there was a part of you that found women attractive then?Hannah: Yes. There still is. Women are hot!

Jackie: But you’re not gay? Or maybe bisexual? I know I already know these answers, but I think this will help my blog readers process things.Hannah: No, your questions are fine. I told you anything goes, right? Haha! No, I’m not gay, and I’m not bisexual either. I know that now. And the key to learning that was learning to be uncertain, as opposite as that sounds.

Jackie: Okay, we’ll dive into that more in a bit here. But tell us more about what happened when you first started wondering about it.Hannah: Well, I couldn’t STOP wondering about it. Like I said, every girl I saw, I thought about kissing her. I think it was like my way of “testing” myself– to see what my instincts would tell me, to see what I really wanted. I hated doing this though. This was the compulsion actually for me. The “testing” was like what you talk about about seeking reassurance. If I thought about kissing the girl and it still made me sick, then I was still okay, still not gay. (Again, no offense to your gay readers! This was just my experience.) I thought about this so much that one night I had a DREAM where, in it, I kissed a girl. When I woke up, I thought for sure I was gay. I was having gay dreams!

Jackie: It carried over from real life!Hannah: I know that now. But it felt like this stamp of homosexuality. I was so scared. I didn’t want to tell my family that I was gay. I still didn’t even WANT to be gay. Oh, and this one thing. I still liked boys.

Jackie: So, you didn’t want to like women, you felt sick about liking women, you ACTUALLY liked men, but you still thought you might be gay?Hannah: It’s OCD. It feels confusing. You know what it’s like.

Jackie: I do. I really do. So, what changed? You’re pretty confident now in your sexuality, yes?Hannah: I am! And it feels awesome! I love knowing I’m straight– and get this, this is so good– I can even appreciate the female body now, and I am not joking, I could see a NAKED WOMAN today and I could GET TURNED ON BY HER and I would STILL know I am straight. Because I am.

Jackie: And that came about how?Hannah: Exposure and response prevention therapy. You preach it. I preach it. Cue Hallelujah chorus.

Jackie: You could see a naked woman and get turned on by seeing a naked woman, and you still wouldn’t doubt your sexuality?
Hannah: Not for one second. I’m as straight as they come. I love men. I want to be married to a man someday and have sex with a man and build my life with a man, and it doesn’t make me flinch to say that I think boobs are hot. Like, super hot.

Jackie: You’re hilarious. You’ve come so far! I’m sure there are HOCD sufferers out there who can’t imagine admitting something like that. And people who are probably thinking you must be bisexual if you feel that way.Hannah: Haha! People can think that all they want! I am FREE from my HOCD and totally straight.

Jackie: You’ve come so far through ERP. It’s amazing, right?Hannah: Amazing, for sure. And hard. But good. It made me able to think clear finally. If I like men and want to be romantic with men and DON’T want to be that way with women, then I am not gay. It’s obvious, like you said. And the more I realized that I am in control of my own response to it, the more freedom I found. That’s why I can say women are hot. Doesn’t bother me anymore.

Jackie: So, your advice?Hannah: ERP. For sure. Best treatment out there. For the gay obsessive-compulsives too, the ones who obsess that they are straight and that causes them as much anxiety as the opposite thought caused me. ERP is absolutely the best treatment for OCD. I know you know that.

Jackie: I absolutely do. Do you still struggle with OCD? Not just HOCD, but other obsessions and compulsions?Hannah: Rarely. ERP kinda took care of OCD, you know? Instead of just one issue, it went after OCD itself. I know you know these things, but your readers need to know. ERP is the solution. A one-stop shop.

Jackie: And you think women are more attractive than men?Hannah: I think the female body is more attractive, but I am attracted TO men.

Jackie: But you know you’re not gay?Hannah: Yep. But that certainty only came through embracing UNCERTAINTY, the whole point of ERP.

There you have it, folks.

My thanks goes out big-time to Hannah for her willingness to be interviewed and her awesome vulnerability. The bottom line is ERP is the best treatment for OCD.

In other words, just what I’ve been saying on this blog for the last two years. 🙂