My Third Chapter – What holds me back?

Today I had a huge realization about my relationship to my mother, which was spectacularly surprising. Hadn’t I already been through the ringer about my childhood? Seriously, I’ve already wept so many tears over my unkind domineering mother, what else is there to discover? And, by the way, who cares? Doesn’t everyone have a past they’d prefer to ignore?

Even after countless discussions with my husband about my mother, including a solo show he wrote for me called My Mother’s Yard (she was a hoarder), plus a book we co-wrote about my childhood, there is still stuff to uncover and deal with? Oh joy oh bliss. FYI, my husband has the patience of Job.

In case you’re wondering, I’m a middle-aged lady who’s following my dream of breaking into show biz. It’s never too late, right? And thankfully, I’ve studied hard and created a whole new professional mindset about auditions, casting directors, and the business in general. I’ve been making progress and it feels pretty damn good.

But interestingly, it also still feels like there’s something missing, something I haven’t quite figured out yet. You always hear if you’re not finding the success you desire, then you’re blocking yourself somehow. Like I haven’t quite found the way around or through the obstacles that appear to be in my way for a successful acting career. There’s still a hesitation.

So what’s holding me back? Today I saw clearly that as a child, I decided I was unforgivably flawed and would never be worthy of praise or attention. Nothing I did ever pleased my mother. She would always be disappointed in me. I developed the notion that I was second-class with no hope of ever finding success. I could never measure up to those around me, so naturally everyone I knew would always be happier and more successful than me. OMG.

This is the intrinsic belief I’ve been harboring all these years? How can anyone feel good about anything with this as a backdrop? Wow, this realization explains so much. It’s like people can somehow see my inadequacies every time they meet me, or at least that’s how it feels. No wonder I was shy as a child. It always seemed like people were judging me from behind their smiles, and that I could never be part of their respective clubs. It was an outsider’s life for me. This is why auditions used to be such a difficult thing for me, because why bother? They didn’t want me in their club, so they were never going to cast me.

I marvel at this realization and wonder how on earth I ever accomplished anything. I think the good results I’ve had are from the shy, scared, innocent little girl inside of me, who seeks her artistic expression. As a child, I was too intimidated by my mother for fear of being shut down, so I shut myself down. But the shy innocent little girl artist has always been there, wanting to express herself, trying to encourage me and motivate me to keep searching, keep fighting for my artistic expression. How thankful I am for that shy little girl, who never gave up completely, and who has always known the truth about who I really am.