(Disgusting) Hopes For My Son’s Future

My son has picked up a few nasty habits in his 17 months on the planet. Or perhaps this is his natural state of being, and we as humans have to learn how not to be disgusting little germ magnets. (An aside in case he reads this in 20 years, Son…. I’m not calling you a disgusting little germ magnet…. but I totally could…. based on things I’ve seen you do… sorry…. if not for your mother and I….. and by that I mean your mother…… you would be completely filthy all the time……I’m just sayin’) I have a soft spot for my son though. Despite some of the verbiage surrounding my opinions on his hygiene, I only want the best for him in life. Son, the following is for you…….

I hope you continue to stick your finger in the cigarette burn holes in the fabric of life. Repeatedly! It means that you want to push the limits and continue to be unafraid in this world. Your curiosity to ‘see what happens if you do it’ will (get you in trouble usually, but) lead to adventure. It’s a good way to be, and if that’s going to be who you are, then be that person and don’t apologize for it.

I hope you continue to (figuratively) piss on your own face. The smell and discomfort of our own urine landing on our faces, possibly in or near our mouth and eyes, teaches us to be humble. No matter how successful you become in life (and I believe that you will be extremely successful), you should never get too cocky or arrogant because you never know when you will next ruin everything by urinating on your face. It’s totally cool. It needs to happen to keep us grounded.

I hope you continue to try to eat random things off the floor and other surfaces. It tells me that you won’t be wasteful and will try to get the most out of life. Just because that milk has been sitting out for 8 hours, and those Cheerios have been under the couch for 4 days doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t at least make an attempt to consume them. It might make you sick, but it shows me a willingness to be thrifty, and make the most of what you’re given. Finding treats in the couch cushion is also good training for when you’re a teenager, and you need to scrounge up some money. Couch cushions and coat pockets are gold!

I hope you continue to lick every surface you can get your tongue on. The world is yours to taste and savor. It means you will be open-minded. When you judge each surface on its own merit, and not assume that all surfaces taste the same, it teaches you to be tolerant and embracing of diversity.

I hope you continue to kiss the mirror when you see your reflection in it. You can’t love anyone properly until you learn to love yourself first. You come from a long line of proud mirror gazers, and I’m glad to see that the torch has been successfully passed.

I hope you continue to stare at women in elevators. Chicks love confidence, and while your ability to maintain eye contact through any sort of awkwardness is almost creepy, it works (as long as you’re really handsome) time and time again. If you could bottle that ability to effortlessly charm all the ladies that cross your path, we could get rich off selling that potion.

In short, just keep doing what you’re doing. No matter how disgusting some of it may seem, your old man will find a way to spin it into something good.