Who Threw Poo?

Probably not, according to the Provincial Government, unless your name appears on the:

dossier of information relating to the individuals responsible for these attacks

And if you’re not from these parts, then “these attacks” refers to the fact that (and here I advised you to switch off the mental image creating part of your brain):

from May until August 2013, the province has been the location of various acts of political violence involving the use of human faeces.

There have been over 100 of these attacks, and they result in regular closures of major roads (usually the N2) – something which affects everyone, least of all Helen Zille.
The dossier is helpfully presented in Microsoft PowerPoint (an appropriately crap means of sharing information), and can be seen online here.

Basically, the Province says that there are are a small number of poopetrators – 11 to be exact – who are instigating the poo protests:

One aspect of this campaign involves faeces attacks in various locations, including regularly blocking a major highway and access to the airport.
This spate of faeces attacks is clearly well-co-ordinated and politically-motivated, forming part of the ANC Youth League’s self-declared and oft-repeated “ungovernability campaign”. Today we are releasing information we have gathered and details of compelling evidence which shows just this.

shIt then goes on to list those who they believe have led these unpleasant attacks as:

Sithembele Majova

Sibusiso “Mqithi” Zonke

Nangamso “Kavin” Tshutha

Khaya Kama

Bongile Zanazo

Bongani Ncombolo

Andile Lili

Loyiso Nkohla

Mario Wanza

Sulyman Stellenboom

Songezo Mvandaba

And what have the local government done? Well, “as a first and appropriate step” they have informed the poolice service about it:

we have handed this information to the South African Police Service for further investigation. They must also obtain statements from the many eyewitnesses and the suspects themselves, subpoena their cellphone records (since they claim to organise via cellphones) and conduct normal police investigations. What we have is prima facie evidence as the basis for investigation. That is why we have submitted it to the police.

The Police, eh? Good thinking. I’m so glad that’s only taken you 3½ months to work out that this would be a good idea. I imagine that this will now all be completely sorted out by never.

And this marks the first of my posts to get the “elections” tag with reference to 2014.
Oh joy.