Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Why can the Father and Husband Nullify her Word?

I’m really bothered by
notion of vows in this week’s parasha. Why is so much attention given to what a
person says he will or will not do? Why is that anyone else’s business? Even
more so, the asymmetry in the matters of nullifying wows is quite disturbing to
me. Why can a father nullify a daughter’s wow but not a son’s? Why can a
husband nullify his wife’s oath, whereas the wife cannot nullify her husband’s
vow? This smacks of fundamentalist chauvinism! Why does any vow I make have to
be validated by my husband first? Why do I need his permission? Am I not an
adult, capable of making my own commitments and carrying them out?

Nancy Wilikov (name changed)

Dear Nancy,

I understand that the
notion of vows and the Torah’s emphasis on the seriousness of our words is
quite foreign to the Western mind. How often do we say, for example, that we
will be somewhere at a certain time, but we end up being deterred? No one makes
a big deal if we arrive five minutes after the agreed time. Yet, our Torah
portion teaches that whenever we commit to a certain action, no matter how
insignificant, our words have the power and obligation of a vow.

“If
a man makes a vow to Hashem or makes an oath to prohibit himself, he shall not
violate his word; according to whatever came out of his mouth, he shall do” (Bamidbar
30:3).

If we agreed to help clear
the table right away, this means we must do it now, not later, not whenever we
feel like it, or after we have finished what we are in the middle of. Once the
words have emerged from our mouth, we are obligated to fulfill exactly what we
ourselves said. Thus, we encounter vows for which we are held accountable on a
daily basis. The reason our words carries such importance is that words create
the reality. By means of speech Hashem created the world, and by means of
speech people can create joy or anger etc. We have the power to effect change
and create a new reality through our speech. In spiritual healing we focus our
minds to create a picture of an alternate reality and then to channel the image
of this desired reality into the power of speech. But why is this ability
seemingly diminished from women by the overriding power of the speech of their
men?

“If a woman
makes a vow to Hashem, or imposes a prohibition [upon herself] while in her
father’s house, in her youth… if her father hinders her on the day he hears it,
all her vows and her prohibitions that she has imposed upon herself shall not
stand. Hashem will forgive her because her father hindered her” (Bamidbar
30:4,6).

Before all worked up about
the gender disparities let’s read the fine print as presented by Rashi. What
exactly is the father’s role in absolving his daughter’s vow? To whom does this
apply? The term the Torah uses isבִּנְעֻרֶיהָ/bineureha –
“in her youth.” Rashi explains
that the verse does not refer to a minor child, since her vows are not binding,
nor to an adult single woman, because she is not under her father’s control but
responsible for her own oaths. So the only small window when a father can
cancel his daughter’s vows that is when she is between the ages of 11 and 12. A
single woman older than 12, a widow or a divorcee is liable for her own vows
(Rashi, Bamidbar 30:4; Chaya Shuchat, Broken Vows).

For the Sake of
Protecting the Woman

Now, what about married
women? It seems that her independence is greatly compromised. On the surface
level, it appears as though a husband’s words overrides his wife’s. Is a
married woman no longer able to take responsibility for her own decisions?

“But if she vowed in her
husband’s house, or imposed a prohibition upon herself with an oath… if her
husband revokes them on the day he hears them, anything issuing from her lips
regarding her vows or self-imposed prohibitions shall not stand; her husband
has revoked them, and Hashem shall forgive her. Any vow or any binding oath of
self-affliction, her husband can either uphold it or revoke it (Bamidbar
30:11,13,14).

Although nullifying the woman’s vow removes the punishment, should she be
unable to fulfill it; this does not prevent her from carrying out what she has
sworn. Let’s say a woman takes upon herself to become a vegetarian. The ability
to annul her vow does not give her husband the power to force her to eat meat.
It only prevents her from being punished, should she accidentally come to eat
meat. Moreover, not every vow can be nullified by her father or husband. Rabbi
S.R. Hirsch explains that the right of the husband to annul her vow is limited
to the vows through which the woman causes herself hardship and pain. Thus, the
ability to annul her vow serves as a protection for the woman.

Women, Sensitivity,
and Self Sacrifice

All generalizations have
their exceptions. It is especially difficult in our evolving world, to
stereotype men and women. Nevertheless, the fact that men and women are created
with physical differences alludes to their different emotional and spiritual
makeup; since everything in the physical world is a reflection of the spiritual
reality it manifests. Whereas it is generally easier for a man to be detached and
objective, a woman’s role as a nurturer of new life makes her more emotionally
sensitive, enabling her to love and identify with others. In her selflessness
and zeal to give, she might not always realize her own limitations. A woman
could, therefore, easily come to take upon herself more than she can handle.
Her husband’s ability to annul her vow serves to prevent her altruistic nature
from going overboard.

Achieving Divine
Forgiveness

Commenting on the phrase
“Hashem shall forgive her,” Rashi ponders why the woman needs forgiveness, when
her vow has already been annulled. He explains that Scripture describes the
case of a woman who vowed to become a Nazarite and whose father heard it and
annulled it for her without her knowledge. Although her vow was void, she
thought it was still in effect. Therefore, she needed forgiveness when acting
contrary to the vow she had taken upon herself. Rashi points out that by
revoking the vow of the daughter or wife, she is able to merit forgiveness in
case she should accidentally break it. His comment concludes with a fortiori:
If those whose vows have been annulled require forgiveness, how much more when
someone transgresses vows which have not been annulled (Rashi, Bamidbar 30:6;
Chana Bracha Siegelbaum, Women at the Crossroads:A Woman’s Perspective on the Weekly Torah Portion).

Eternal Laws of Torah
Outweigh Norms of Modern Society

Whenever Torah laws
contradict what is socially acceptable in the ‘free’ Western world, the eternal
value of the Torah takes precedence over the ephemeral values of the western
world. However, there is a reason why Hashem causes certain perspectives to
become more popular at certain times. Each wave of consciousness draws out
another aspect contained within the depths of the wellsprings of Torah. Thus
our need to affirm the importance of women in Judaism became an impetus for
perceiving the Torah laws that seem to belittle women’s role in a deeper way.

Insights into the Jewish Months

Coming up at B'erot Bat Ayin

My Bio

Rebbetzin Chana Bracha Siegelbaum, a native of Denmark, is founder and director of Midreshet B'erot Bat Ayin: Holistic Torah Study for Women on the Land. She holds a Bachelor of Education in Bible and Jewish Philosophy from Michlala Jerusalem College for Women, and a Masters of Art in Jewish History from Touro College. Rebbetzin Chana Bracha creates curricula emphasizing women's spiritual empowerment through traditional Torah values.