Lorde v Taylor Swift

Lorde wins the award for most insanely precocious teenager this year, taking issue with everything from global capitalism to the promiscuous lyrics of Selena Gomez. But what could she possibly have to say about prim and perfect Taylor Swift? Well, exactly that: "She's so flawless and unobtainable. I don't think it's breeding anything good in young girls." Yeah. The cow. Taylor responded the same way any evil-breeder would, inviting Lorde to her birthday party and immediately forgiving her for her comments.

Kendrick Lamar v all rappers

Kendrick's guest verse on Big Sean's Control was no ordinary diss track. He began by comparing his arrival to the moment Nation Of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan met Saddam Hussein and then went on to rubbish everyone in the rap game: Wale, Pusha T, Meek Mill, A$AP Rocky, Drake, Big Sean, Tyler and Mac Miller. All came in for a drubbing. Yet there was barely a peep of response; clearly Kendrick had the rap world running scared. This was the hip-hop equivalent of completing Grand Theft Auto without ever picking up a weapon.

Sinéad O'Connor v Miley Cyrus

Miley Cyrus claimed her Terry Richardson-directed video for Wrecking Ball, in which she fellates a sledgehammer, was inspired by the feminist anti-industry stance O'Connor took in the 1980s. The Irish singer was moved to pen an open letter, a mixture of concern and condescension, which accused Miley of being a prostitute of the music industry. Miley responded by mocking Sinéad's mental health problems on Twitter, somewhat undermining her LOL PARTY TWERK WTVR attitude.

Monica Galetti v chefs

Most hard-nosed TV judges have to rely on pre-scripted put-downs or withering abuse. But MasterChef's Galetti can compact a thousand Cowell insults into one disappointed grimace. Yet rather than cowing contestants into quivers, Galetti wins their respect. Perhaps because after years of anyone-can-do-it, give-it-a-go-at-home cookery shows, she's the one person to say: "Actually this is bloody difficult and almost everyone is terrible at it."

Walter White v Nazis

He hired them in the first place, so you might have thought Walter White might have shown a little more understanding for Jack's white-supremacist prison gang after they murdered his brother-in-law and turned his protege into a slave. But no. Instead our mild-mannered meth lord had to go and extract revenge via a particularly bloody reimagining of the lawn sprinkler.