2003-11-30

DominanceI've been
thinking a bit about dominance lately. People seem to confuse sex and
dominance. Football, baseball, other
competitive sports are really not
about sex. They are about dominance. I watched a show on the news
about bullying in schools. I was both a bully and the victim of
bullying when I was a kid. It is all about who is alpha-kid. Dogs
bully. Monkeys bully. It is part of our mammalian
brain. We tell people to be winners and then tell them not to
be bullies. We tell people they are empowered and then set the rules.
We tell people to get an education and then send their job to another
country. We tell people to eat healthy and
then inundate them with ads for
fattening food. We tell people not to smoke and
subsidize tobacco farmers.The U.S.A. is doomed to very
nasty implosion. I worry I will live to experience it. This country
was formed because people were trying to escape dominance by a few
over the many. They used dominance to take the country. Now, those
who are dominant are trying to make a nation of passive addicts.

OK, sorry. I'll step off the soap
box. I'm ordering a very fattening pizza and some caffeinated Dr.
Pepper. mm mm mmm. No one is dominating me.

2003-11-29

2003-11-28

The truth about game pointsI've
explained what game points are. Lets review. Game Points are a
reward for helping the DM (Dungeon Master) make the game better. They
can be used to improve a dice role, and even modify a
minor plot point. Our DM gives quizzes
based on reading or if he is to lazy to assign reading he just
tells us to make up our own questions. Game Points are also
allotted for those who perform tasks
like order food or other annoying tasks
that would other wise eat up the DM's time.I have had trouble
accepting Game Points because they are outside the game. To me the
idea of game points is no better than someone saying “give me
money or I'll kill your character.” It is just bad.I used
Game Points for a long time right up until Adam (our DM) bitched at
me once for not using a game point to save
a character that sucked. They are my game points. Get off my back. I
figured I had two choices. I could just dump Game Points outright, or
just waist them on frivolous stuff and make
sure I didn't have any when push came to
shove. Adam dangles this carrot in front of people to
control them. If I take the value away from the
commodity and blow it off, it blows the control. It has become
a competition. Sarah (one of the players) is the
most obvious one who made it into a competition.I'm not
playing DND any more. It isn't the game. It is the people. I like
them as friends. I just can't play DND with them any more. (it is
really me. I'm just no good at competition. I
don't like beating people and I can't stand loosing.)

ThanksgivingToday is
Thanksgiving. I went over to the parents house and ate great food
until I was about to bust. It was just me and my parents. I think the
abandon a trip to some relatives in
Oklahoma to have dinner with me. I feel greatly out of place
going to my parent's house for holidays. I'm thirty four years old. I
have no girlfriend. I have no wife or family to take. I don't have
any other family (the in-laws) to share
holidays with. There is just nothing there.
There isn't even a prospective lady to fill the gap. I wish I
could run though names and say “she is not a prospect because
of this reason.” and so forth. That just isn't
possible. I'm an old maid.Today was hot and humid. For
some reason, it felt like Christmas.

MouseI bought a new
mouse. It is a tinny thing meant for notebook computing. It is
optical, wireless and uses one of those
little USB plugs to connect. The LED light on the USB “dongle”
is about as bright as any xenon headlight
I've ever seen. It blinks obnoxiously whenever
you move the mouse or click a button. It is
just plane annoying. The mouse is great. I've
played games with it and used it for several days. One of the
guys at the office got one a couple of weeks ago. I got the
non-rechargeable version. It was $20
cheaper.

Failed MarriageJenna, my
ex-wife, told me she was pregnant. I wanted so much to be married. It
was days like today that drove me to it. I think she really was at
some point. She went to the doctor. and the whole bit. It turned out
that we did not have a child. Jenna did lie to me about being on the
pill. I knew what was going on and prevented pregnancy manually. We
were married for about eighteen months. I was a right bastard to her.
I didn't have the guts to call her on the situation. When she would
not pay her taxes, I snapped. That was worse than lying about
pregnancy or birth control. A child only takes eighteen years to
mature and some of the stuff that happens along the way is cool. The
IRS is just plane evil and once they know your name, you are in their
sights. We have not spoken in something like six years. Jenna married
my mechanic. I sure miss him.

<This
point on is from a couple of days ago>MozillaMy
Mozilla browser lost its mind last night. I rebooted the machine and
poof. There is only one profile. I can't imagine November 25 is any
kind of magic virus date. All settings reverted to day one install. I
lost all my bookmarks (favorites/shortcuts). The history was there.
really should do a backup of my important information. You
know the culda-woulda-shouldasyndrome.

WeatherThis
morning it was chilly. I walked in just before dawn. I could see my
breath. It felt brilliant. This noon we ate outside without jackets.
The sun is shining. The ground is dry. It feels like mountain air.
What a marvelous day to be in Houston.

Little thingsI
forget often that the little things will ware on you. At work, I use
a table with a mettle back on a daily basis. I type like a jackhammer
and the mettle back wiggled on the enter key and others.
wa-wa-wa-g-g-g. Every other key it would
make a sheet mettle clanging sound. I didn't realize how much this
wore on my nerves. I didn't realize, until I just now tightened the
screws and it fell silent (until you kick it outright). It is
like that sheet mettle back was banging right on the back of my
head. I didn't even realize it.

2003-11-23

DNDWe are
playing today.Sarah wants a Pegasus as her steed. Brian asked if
he could have a Pegasus-Bane sword.We have a new guy (old player
new character). Bryan (different Br?an) was eaten by the avatar of
some evil god. He came back with a new character that is some kind of
monk slash rogue type.We are helping a king build a Zeppelin so
he can fulfill his dream of bombing his next door neighbor from
above. We are trying to design a massive bomb dangling from the
bottom wrapped in other bombs that will level this guys castle the
King doesn't like. There is something about the Kings men that makes
us suspicious.One of our guys has the pants of Slad summoning. He
called up a huge Blue Slad to go down into the dungeon with us. Oh,
some one just rolled a 100 on a random monster check. That could be
bad.We are fighting some kind of thing that turns you to stone.
They are the monster that the 100 role brought on. So far, we only
have one party member turned to stone. There hit points aren't that
great, but they hit every time. You have to make six fortitude saves
or turn to stone, or loose a point of strength. I miss fighting just
normal hordes of kabolds and ogres.I passed my six fort saves.
Geeze. I killed one. Not even one that I was fighting. It just got to
close to my fury. I missed another one, crap.I've noticed I take
for ever to do simple math. My brain just doesn't switch to math mode
quickly.Now we are fighting some Drow-Spider guy. Humm-DrummI
want to go home. I hate this. I should stop playing. Adam insists on
making stupid potty humor during the game. It is a trait of his that
I have never been able to stand. I don't want to be here. I don't
want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I
don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be
here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want
to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't
want to be here. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. I
don't want to be here.I can't read the screen on the notebook
worth a crap. I can't find some one to love me. Why am I wasting air?
Every one else pares off. I feel like I'm the only one who can't find
anyone. Goddamnit. I'm surrounded by friends and I feel alone. It
was my turn, I got to stand up and draw a weapon. Woopee. I want to
go home.I'm wasting my time. I'm wasting the time God gave me. I
need to find some other thing to do. I'm falling.Blue, our Slad,
is running up to the front to attack the army of Drow coming up the
hall to slaughter us. I hope I die quick so I can just go home. I'm
heading in to commit suicide. I might as well call the cab now. What
kind of character should I role up next? This front line crap is
getting old. I might have to go back to a cleric. Just to stay out of
the front line.Can we just die for God's sake? I want to go home.
I should just go. I'm dying. I'm tired. Food is soon. God loves me,
but some time it is tough love. I will be gone in a minute. I can eat
and go home.It is a quarter after eight and I'm ready to bail.
Damn it I survived. I can't keep doing this to myself.I wanted to
go home. This is unfair to the others. I'm worried that I won't be
able to keep my mouth shut and I'll snap at some one.I can't win.
We came up against a bunch of Mind flayers. and I'm in the back. BAH.
I have to run from the rear all the way to the front. I'm getting
nowhere. Grapple rules take too long. FUUUUUCK!!! I got stunned. That
means I cant run into battle and go out a hero.We have dynamite.
That is just wrong. There is a section in the Dungeon Master's guide
covering dynamite.For God's sake! One of our guys (the one that
just died played by Brian (the guy who always turns against the
party)) just showed up after we left him for dead. He is attacking
the party. Go figure. I didn't take any damage that time either.I
healed myself. Damn it. I am definitely going out this battle. There
is no way we can go out.We are having a battle on the on the
Zeppelin. The giant spider guys are sawing through the ropes holding
the cabin on the balloon part. I've tried to use my rod of lordly
might to push a couple of the spiders off the balloon. It isn't
successful as I had hoped....It is 4:30 in the morning. I'm
sitting at home. When I run back through the days events, I
realize I just don't enjoy DND like I used too. The trouble
is, I try to think of one thing that I say “I need to do this
to relax soon.” and absolutely nothing
comes to mind. I have no release. I can't keep acting like a jerk at
DND. It isn't fair to the others. I need to stop going.
Nothing is going to change before our next session in January.Well,
I do look forward to writing my blog.

Radar GlassesI
was reading about some radar imaging that worked in a jet. It made
real time three dimensional pictures to the pilot. They suggested it
would work on vehicles. I think they might work on a smaller scale.
It would be nice to have glasses that would use radar in total
darkness.

2003-11-18

“It's Floodin'
down in Texas”Houston was built on a swamp. Many moons
ago, a good chunk of Ft. Bend county was rice fields. Now we pay the
price for cheap land. I'm told the flood problem is what keeps
property values low in Houston. If it didn't flood so much here, we
would have California prices.That lazy asshole Sam Houston
said “Hey, there is a big ditch surrounded by miles of swamp
and grass lands with ten tons of mosquitoes to the acre.
Perfect.”BTW, I was trying to look up the spelling of
“acre” and stumbled across this
site. Nice find.

Outsourcing everythingI just read a
little bit in Information Week that a major bank is outsourcing a
bunch of it's technology stuff offshore. It isn't just manufacturing
any more. IT is leaving. The reason IT is so easy to push over the
pond is because no one understands it anyway. IT salaries are
dropping next year. The US will soon be a nation of middle-managers
and Mexican fast food cashiers. Americans pay the highest price
for prescription drugs and yet the research that the drug companies
tout for the high prices is headed offshore. China is known for
manufacturing just about everything. Now, China is a-wash with PHDs
who will work for a tenth of the American equivalent. Same with
India.

Too MobileAt work I've
noticed a couple of times people making mobile phone calls
from the toilet. If any
of you ever call me from the can, you better need some kind of
rescuing.

2003-11-15

FeyFrom hence the
pixies tell tails of that which they dream upon. The hold on the
tattered thread fades with time, but the butterflies know still the
path to scry. Fey lie yet among the quiet
meadow. Were we rude to the mighty soles bound by such faint mortal
coils? Alas, we are left, alone, in a world no longer known to
dragons.

Five year plan (me being
paranoid again)I was asked recently
where I want to be in five years. The last time I answered
that question I was in collage. I didn't
answer it right then either. I don't know where I want to be in five
minutes. People who seem to know what is going on want me to
constantly make plans five years in the future. It just doesn't make
any sense to me. If I make plans, fate will
make sure to fuck them up. Planning doesn't work for me. I need to
make plans, I know. Making plans pleases others. I take no
satisfaction in the plans. I know they mean little. Other's always
want to make plans for me. I need to get over it. I want to be part
ofTpro'splan.Where do I want to be in five years?I want to be
free.I want enough money to make money be a non-factor in my
decisions.I want enough future that my kids will be able
to purchase a wing at their university of choice.Where do I not
want to be? Where I am now. If I'm still at the same company I'll be
very disappointed. I want to be far beyond
where I am now. I need to advance. I cannot allow myself to
stagnate.And, then, there is education. Every time I think I am
ahead of my anger, it sneaks back up on me. I wanted to put off
school until I get a handle on it. I think now that it is part of me.
A part that I must accept and learn to predict and manipulate.

TerminatorI want a
Terminator. I'm not sure which model I
should get. I'm sure my credit will cover it. The
second movie introduced a new model made of this
malleable mettle that can take the shape of others (or me). I
could send the Terminator to work to take meetings and give me the
synopsis. This might come in handy. The third
Terminator had this same ability, but lacked the true
fall-through-a-grating functionality. The third Terminator was big on
weapons and blowing shit up, but my current life just doesn't need
that. The first Terminator has it's points too. It is like an old
pickup truck that won't die.

Terminator 1 scenario.“Fly
me to work.” I'd say.“We need a helicopter.”
the Terminator says.“Find me a helicopter.” I
demand.“By your command.” answers the Terminator.
Hey, isn't that a Silon's line I think to myself. Ah, well.“Go
get me lunch.” I'd say.“Yes sir.” says the
Terminator, and off he'd buzz in my brand new helicopter.Later
I'd ask him to take a meeting along side me and just sit there
looking tough so no one would assign me any tasks. You never know
when I'll have the Terminator drop off the report. =]

Terminator 2 scenario.I'd
say “Look like me and sound like me and go to work and do what
they tell you and bring me the money.”“Yes sir”
the Terminator says with a smile. Oh, did I mention when the
Terminator is home I'd have it look like J. Lo.

2003-11-09

Florida Adventure 1Job
movingWe were living in a hotel just off the beach. It had a mall
in the bottom floor. There were these two guys who had a store in the
mall who sponsored a “Party on the Plaza” type gig on the
back tarries of the hotel every week. I was walking across the
plaza and a guy (not one of the two in question) asks “want to
make some money?” Well, I shoot him a look to kill and he
comes back “Helping some guys move?” he corrects
quickly.“Sure” I say. “How much?”Well
it was $35 bucks to help carry some furniture and some boxes to a
truck. It was just a couple of hours work. It was a piece of cake.
The guys were nice. They had one guy I noticed hanging around the
hotel before. He gave me the creeps. They all wanted to go drink
some beers and buy my dinner. I declined saying “I have to go
cook dinner for my friends.” They paid me and said “I'm
disappointed.” A fact that I found out later made me very
happy that I declined. Sabina told me after the fact that she was
sorry to see those two guys go. She added “Those guys were
really nice for a couple of fags.”The creepy guy passed by
me in the hall after that and smiled saying “missed you at the
party, you should have come.”I hate Hollywood Florida.

Florida Adventure 2Guy
on the bicycleI was sitting outside the apartment in the late
summer. We were making dinner. A guy road by on a bicycle and offered
me a job painting his driveway. They do that sort of thing in
Florida. I agreed. The guy struck me as kind of queer, as in
homosexual. I ended up helping him clean up behind his property and
painting his driveway. By the end of it (a day and a half of labor) I
was so disgusted that I wouldn't take his money for chores.it was
this little adventure that made me want to get out. I think my friend
and Brian breaking ties was just the last straw.i hate Hollywood
Florida.

Florida Adventure 3Cars
under the bridgeBrian had heard through this guy named,
ironically, Kelly that there was an impromptu meeting of a bunch of
teenagers under a bridge somewhere to drink and carouse. We met some
other fast car enthusiasts. The whole night was fun. We spent this
night somewhere in north Miami.

Florida Adventure
4SabineSabine is a German woman who worked in the mall on
the first floor of the hotel we staid in. She worked at a shop. The
funny thing is, I don't remember what they sold. Tourist junk I
think. We made friends and hung out a bit. She had a German accent
and was a bit mysterious.We hung out at her place a couple of
times before I left Florida. It was fun. I never did sleep with her.
While I was sitting in the bus station waiting for the bus to take me
home Sabina walked by and came in to say goodbye. Why didn't I kiss
her?I called her after I got back home and Brian answered the
phone. It turns out he left my friend and hooked up with Sabine. I
spoke with her later and she felt bad about the whole thing. Brian
was good at using women. Brian came back to Texas before my friend
did.I think I would like Germany

Florida Adventure 5Yahoo
BeerWe met these guys who were locals. I don't remember any of
their names except one. Kelly. he was laid back and long haired. Some
of his buddies came over and we went down to the lobby of the hotel
to walk them in. We were walking through the lobby with about three
cases of beer and a cop turned around and gave us a quadruple take.
not one of us even reacted in the tiniest bit. We just kept walking
right past the guard and up to our room. We found out later one of
the guys had just “yahooed” the beer AKA ripped it off
from a quickie shop. He had grabbed two cases near the door and
shuffled them under his arms. When he grabbed the second two on of
them broke and a bunch of beers spilled all over the floor. The clerk
screamed at him. He just stood there for a second and flipped off the
clerk. Then took the three cases and walked out the door. It might
have been his buddy who actually jacked the beer.I drank some
stolen beer in Hollywood Florida.

TodayI've never told
another human any of this. So,
what is the deal? I can tell the world,
but no one close to me.

2003-11-08

FloridaIn
the summer of 1993 I was lost. I haven't found
myself yet. I've been married and I've fallen in
love, though not with the same woman. I was going to school in
Missouri City Texas at Houston Community College. I was taking core
classes and making “B”s. I walked to school and home
again. I spent time talking with the smokers outside the main door to
the building where classes were held. They have since moved the
smoking area somewhere farther away from
the walk way.In that summer I hung out with an old friend of
mine. I had known her for years. She started dating a guy named
Brian. He was in to old cars, and using women. I suppose that is
judgmental, but I feel it is the truth. They had meat when they were
much younger and chased each other around
the yard. I remember my friend smiled when she told that story. I
don't know what she saw in Brian. He just seemed like a train wreck
to me. I hung out with them because there was just nothing else going
on in my life and I so wanted to hook up with my friend. I still have
feelings for her. I suppose I always will.I helped Brian on the
1973 Transam that he was rebuilding. The
vehicle I remember most is the 1971 Chevrolet
pickup that he let me drive in an
unfinished subdivision one Tuesday afternoon. I remember
putting in the transmission to the Transam. It was a turbo 400 three
speed. That is where I learned that there are several different kinds
of torque converters. There are lockup
torque converters that stop slipping at a given RPM. There are
“tight” torque converters that don't slip as easily for
sports cars. There are “loose” torque converters for
other cars and there are stall torque converters that are in
neutral until a given RPM. There are combinations of each.One
evening I ride my bike over to Brian's place and find out that he and
my friend are headed to Florida. They site the same reason's I want
to hear. “We need to get away from our parents.” I felt
the same way. I remember telling my parents. My father understood and
was supportive. My mom, being my mom, freaked, but relented. We
drove the T-Bird to Florida, the whole way out running a huge rain
storm. It turned out to be the bands of a Hurricane
that was hitting the place we were headed. We missed it.We drive
in to Hollywood Florida late and slept in the car. We had been
sleeping in the car for a couple of days anyway so it wasn't a big
deal. Brian drove around until we found a
place to crash. The first night we spent in a small hotel off the
beach. For a Month we stayed at a hotel on
the beach. We rented an apartment, but only stayed there for a couple
of weeks. Brian wanted to ditch my friend. He asked me to take care
of her. I decided to come back home to try to make him stay with her.
He didn't. She ended up staying with some looser for a couple of
weeks and then came home herself. What could I have done different?
Not gone in the first place I suppose.All in all, I count it as a
learning experience. I learned I don't like being broke. I learned to
stay away from Hollywood Florida. I learned one
cruel part of the world that stays inside me now.Before we
left for Florida, I was in limbo. I didn't have a job. I lived on
Social Security Supplemental Income. I was
going to school, but that was just to do something. It seemed like
what I was supposed to do. I meat many good people there including
for some strange reason several topless dancers. Apparently dancers
go to HCC in pretty high numbers. I meat a Play Boy bunny at
University of Houston. We were both filling out change of address
forms.The whole ride to Florida in the
Transam Brian and my friend were in the car, but I felt a presents.
The feeling was the strongest just as I woke up. I know now it was
the angle taking care of me. Nothing bad actually happened to me
while I was in Florida. I brushed close enough to the edge to learn
the lesson.When I got back, I slipped quickly back into
the routine of oblivion. Eventually my
friend came back. I never did get with her. She was
vulnerable and I felt crappy just wanting her.I'm not sure
how to close this entry. The truth is my life just kept going. Now
I'm here. Tell me about your adventures in life.

2003-11-06

Spam and Spyware and the Gun
lobbyThere is a story here
about a Nigerian man who has been busted for sending
unsolicited emails and scamming people for butt-loads of
money. I'm not sure what the details are,
but it sounds like he might actually get
some time for his crimes. It would be nice if there were some justice
in this area for once.I deal with spam in a couple of
different ways. I only give my primary email to people, never
to places, stores or banks. That is how your email ends up on every
one's list. I use a temporary hotmail
address zhsp00001 at hotmail dot com. That email will change in a
couple of months. As soon as I start getting spam on a
daily basis. When I need to register on some one-off site I'll
go to an online email place and register for an email address just
for the one transaction. I usually use
hotmail just because they rotate their mails about every sixty days.
I know I'm not eating up large quantities of drive space. Never
respond to spam. Logging a complaint or taking your mail off the list
just confirms there is a human on the other end. Thespammersget more money for your
address if you have gone through the trouble of opting-out. Trying to
rely on spam blockers doesn't seem to make a bit of difference to in
my experience. The spammers spend their entire day figuring out ways
to bypass spam blockers. That is what they do, that is all they
do.Governments are trying to make things illegal.
That is great, except the worse kind of spam is that from people who
wish to rip you off. In most places, ripping people off is already
illegal. It is a bit like the gun lobby always says. “enforce
the laws that are already on the books.” Remember
Columbine High? Some one figured out those kids had directly
broken nineteen federal laws. “Do you think the
twentieth would have stopped them?” some one at the NRA
asked. I've left the subject in the dust.There is a product
called SpyBot.
Get it. Use it. It helps with Spyware, not
spam, but it is worth getting while I'm on
the subject.

Want - GetDid you
ever want something or to say something to the right person or to
tell some one something and you knew who to talk too about it but all
kinds of politics got in the way and you just can't talk about it
because you will make one person angry and probably make another
person scared or frustrated and people just make it worse because
they tell you to go for it and you know you can't because of the
people involved and the friendships that might be stretched?I do.

2003-11-05

Pipe fittings vs.
Folder RightsI do a technical job on computers at
my day job. We have allot of amazing brilliant people there who can't
figure out folder privileges to save their sole. I understand when
some one who makes five times what I do can't give me privileges on a
file share because they have had no (as in zero) training by the
company to do so. It pisses me off when they (the one making five
times what I do) refuse to call the service desk and ask for
help. That company pays $200 a month per user for that service desk
whether or not they use it. I do not have the rights to give myself
rights. I feel like they think it is my fault. I feel like they
expect me to do it. Frustrating.

ClarityI came home
this evening and and basically went
straight to sleep. I hate it when I do this. I'm up half the night
and I don't get all the stuff done that I need. I'm trying the
Claritin stuff again. Maybe if I give it a
week or two I'll notice a better
difference. I dropped off a CD with a friend of mine this
afternoon and looked at her wedding pictures. Her Little one is just
about to start walking on her own.

2003-11-02

HalloweenI went to a Halloween Party
Friday evening. It turned out to be
allot of fun. I took a bunch of pictures.
I'm actually in one of them this time. I like costume parties. I
drank too much. I was told I looked sexy. I kissed a pretty girl. Did
I say I drank too much? I didn't really dress up. I called myself
paparazzi. I thought that would be best since they had a standby
costume that just wasn't me. They had a sock and a guitar for you to
ware and called it a Flea (basest from the
Red Hot Chilly Peppers) costume. You have
got to see the pictures.CruellaDevil was there. The Grand Wizard made an appearance. ManDrew
- The Thrifty Super Hero showed up (he was warring a
towel with a big M on it drawn in duct
tape). Little Red Riding Hood and her date, Mr. Big Bad
himself made it. We had someMartigrawwomen there. One of the guys wore a suit
from the seventies that was in his closet since the seventies.
Adam andLaurycame
as a Samurai and a
Geisha. I thought Adam should have been the
Geisha.It seemed like every one I've met from TMS was
there. Many people brought their kids. I remember showing up to
drunken parties as a kid with my parents. Those are fun memories.
The hangover kept me down all day Saturday. My father wanted to
go out on the boat today. I knew last week that I wouldn't be up to
it. I would like to thank Josh for
dragging me out and making me have a good time on past
occasions. Neither he nor any of the Tpro
group were at this party. It is the experiences with them that
have helped me have a good time in social situations. Thanks guys.