I know it's cheesy, but my husband rocks

11/21/2011

Here’s the thing: Living 2,000 miles away from your sister totally sucks. But if you’re lucky enough to have a sibling like I do, then it sucks less. Last weekend, Manhattan Sister, her husband Uncle New York and my East Coast Parents all flew out here for an early Thanksgiving celebration. (Because let’s face it, it is WAY easier for them to drag their butts out here to South Dakota than it is for us to drag the butts of 6 children all the way back to Boston or New York City.)

From the moment they walked in the door, the giggling never stopped. All six kids attacked them and hung on for dear life. Within seconds they had created personal jokes: “Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he got runned over!” “Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he had CHEEEESE for dinner.” I’m fairly certain that even the creators of these “jokes” did not understand what was making them funny, but that didn’t stop them from rolling on the floor laughing every time they were repeated (ad nauseum).

The girls were learning a special song for their school holiday concert, which had lyrics about the season of winter: “It’s a glorious time of the year! It’s a wonderful season of cheer!” The timing of this new song fit perfectly with my sister’s arrival, so she helped the girls change the lyrics: “It’s glorious Aunt Melly’s here! It’s wonderful because she’s here!” This, of course, caused even more giggling, and the repetition of the new lyrics every four seconds for the whole weekend.

Gabby and my sister, setting the table for Thanksgiving, came up with a new way to celebrate, using the sparkly confetti I’d bought for the table.

This, of course, led to more giggling, and the unavoidable glitter-fight, which left me picking pieces of sparkly confetti out of my children’s hair, the chandeliers and my pants for the next several days.

Manhattan Sister also introduced my children to the wonderful concept of planking. They planked the couch, the coffee table, the pool table…and each other.

Thanks Manhattan Sister.

On the day of “Thanksgiving,” actually a random Saturday in November because that’s how we roll, my husband decided to take Uncle New York hunting for pheasants. (When in South Dakota….) They triumphantly returned, about six hours later, with two pheasants. East Coast Hippie Grandparents cringed as the children ran around the house with the feathers plucked from the dead birds. Manhattan Sister and I bit our tongues until the feathers ended up in the dinner table centerpiece. We drew the line.

During Thanksgiving preparations, my sister and I did some traditional things: Make sure we have “real” cranberry sauce (you know, the kind in the jar) in addition to mom’s “fancy” cranberry sauce. (you know, the kind with real cranberries in it). And some untraditional things: Like figure out how to fry stuffing. Hey! If you are in South Dakota, you fry the turkey! And if you’re frying the turkey, why not make mashed potato-stuffed stuffing balls and fry them up too! And while you’re at it, try frying the pie.

The turkey, stuffing and pie all tasted delicious, but the outside of the turkey didn’t look so good when it came out.

Gabby’s face fell when she entered the room to see it. “What happened to it?” she asked sadly. But it was delicious! Of course, anything fried in oil is delicious, and on this holiday, there’s no guilt about eating healthy.

But the funniest moments of our weekend, by far, were at the Thanksgiving table. I’m not sure exactly how to explain it, so I’ll try snippets of overheard conversation:

Me: Gabby, please don’t put the confetti in the butter.

Kid 1: I’m going to Canada.

Kid 2: Well I’m going to another country!

Kid 1: Canada IS another country!

Kid 2: Nuh-uh!

Etc…

Dinner is served. Everyone is chewing. There is silence. Suddenly:

Gabriella: Justin Bieber is my BOYFRIEND!

Kid 1: I’m thankful for my family

Manhattan Sister: I’m thankful for my family too.

Kid 2: I’m thankful that Christmas is coming

Kid 3: We gettin’ any presents on Fanksgiving?

Kid 4: No, dummy. No presents on Thanksgiving,

Kid 5: I’m thankful for presents!

Kid 6: Justin Bieber is my boyfriend!

Me: I’m thankful for wine.

Manhattan Sister: I take it back, I’m thankful for Bill frying stuff.

East Coast Dad: I think my eyes were bigger than my stomach.

Uncle New York: I think my eyes were bigger than my liver.

Levi: Eyes big! Tummy hurt.

Bill: Don’t throw up in here, it’s white carpet.

Then there was this:

And why, you ask, do I allow this kind of shenanigans at my Thanksgiving Dinner table? 2 reasons:

1. Because I am apparently not in control of the situation and if I didn’t laugh, I might die.

2. Because they had CHEEEEESE for dinner!

They only look normal...

Special thanks to East Coast Mom and Dad and Manhattan Sister and Brother-in-law for dragging their butts out here, for making us laugh all weekend and especially for helping the children learn the lyrics to the Aunt Melly Song, which has resulted in only two phone calls home from the school music teacher.

My husband "planking" after a big turkey dinner. Or maybe he's just sleeping on the floor.

10/22/2011

My refrigerator has been slowly dying. It has been a long and torturous death (mostly for us). Each time I open it, I find little pools of water on top of the sour cream, filling the strawberry container, causing the egg carton to disintegrate…

We need a new fridge, honey.

I know.

The pools have been getting large lately – cardboard cream cheese boxes gets stuck to the shelf. Saran Wrap covering leftovers sags under the extra weight.

Bill, we REALLY need a new fridge.

I know.

The vegetable and fruit crispers start filling up with water. We can bob for apples in our own fridge.

Bill! We NEED A NEW FRIDGE NOW!

I’m not sure which was the actual final straw – whether I actually nagged my husband into submission, or whether he was finally convinced by the waterfall that occurred IN MY KITCHEN while I was preparing h’or d’eurves for 20 for the baby shower I hosted on Sunday – but I am the proud owner of a brand new fridge!

My husband, the world’s upmost follower of the “measure-twice-cut-once" rule, in fact did not measure at all when he set out to purchase our new appliance. Perhaps he was caught off-guard by the sobbing wife in his kitchen, or the 300 appetizers laid out on the counter.

He came home with a beautiful new fridge – the display model because I HAD TO HAVE IT RIGHT NOW – and tried to get it into the house. Problem number one: it wouldn’t fit in the door.

As he and I friend struggled under the bulk and weight of the bottom-freezer-automatic-ice-maker-stainless-steel-doesn’t-rain-inside beauty, I helped enormously by yelling, “PIVOT! PI-VOT!” Ala Ross from friends. Strangely, they were not entertained. Nor, did they effectively pivot.

After removing the handles from the new fridge, my front door from the hinges and the children from underfoot, they managed to wrestle the fridge into the kitchen. There, they discovered something. The fridge was about 3 inches taller and 2 inches wider than our old one. That didn’t seem like such a big deal to me, but the men did not think my idea of “push harder” would work and instead decided to destroy the cabinets above and beside the fridge.

Bill worked for hours, with all sorts of tools that made all sorts of horrible noises and an enormous mess in the kitchen. He cut three fingers, and suffered through the fact that the only bandaids in our home were blue and featured Nemo. The end result looks okay as long as you don’t look directly at it, or try to open the cabinets… You see, in order to make the fridge fit, but the cabinets still look good, the boys took out the inside shelf, trimmed the edges and then just nailed the doors back on. They don’t open anymore which wouldn’t be an issue except that the destroyed cabinet used to be where I kept the wine. (No bother – the counter is much more convenient.)

08/30/2011

The first day of school in our district is a half-day for kids, but a full day for teachers. So, Bill stayed home to be in charge of the chaos while I vacationed at work. That evening, after we managed to get everyone in bed and we collapsed onto the couch, I interviewed my exhausted husband about his experiences that day.

Me: So… what did you think of your day with All Six Kids?

Bill: It was pretty chaotic…

Me: What time did your day start?

Bill: I woke up when your alarm went off at 5:45am. I never sat down again all day.

Bill: We had six kids going six different directions. Emily was raring to go, but Brianna and Sam had to be dragged out of bed. I didn’t even try to get the little kids ready. Everyone got their own breakfast and ate cereal, so all I had to do was clean up the disaster area in the kitchen when they were done.

Me: Tell me about driving them to school?

Bill: Sam had to sit in the front because he’s the cool dude and was worried about getting dropped off in front of his friends from the backseat. The girls were excited in the backseat and making all kinds of high-pitched noises. Of course every person that lives in this town was driving to the same place, so there was a traffic jam… Sam jumped out of the car and ran up to the first kid he saw: “Dude! Check out my stitches!” Then we went back in the massive line of traffic and drove the ½ a block to the elementary school. Emily wanted me to drive right up to the front door on the sidewalk. Hannah wanted to be dropped off at the corner and Brianna didn’t really care – she just wanted out of the car! I got out of the car, gave them all a hug and sent them on their way

Me: Then what did you do?

Bill: I took the little kids to McDonald’s because I forgot to feed them breakfast at home. Then we went to the grocery store.

Me: How did the grocery store trip go?

Bill: After dragging the little kids through the aisles and bribing them with treats, I realized I had forgotten my wallet and had to go all the way home again.

Me: You?!?! Forgot something?!?!

Bill: Do you KNOW what’s going on here during the day?!?!

Me: What time did the big kids get home from school?

Bill: They had a half day, so they exploded into the house around 12:15.

Bill: One was a friend of the girls that has been here a million times, and the other one I had never met before.

Me: So what did you do about that?

Bill: I fed her lunch…

Me: How was the afternoon?

Bill: Yelling, Screaming, Door-Slamming, Hamsters-down-the-shirts Crazy. I had to get my hair cut and my plan was to leave the little kids with the big kids. But, judging from the complete chaos going on, I decided to take them with me. Then we went back and did the grocery shopping…again.

Me: I noticed we ate dinner around 7:30, rather than your preferred time of 5:00. What happened?

Bill: Are you kidding me? One day at work and you’ve completely forgotten the chaos?

Me: What was the worst part of the day?

Bill: About fifteen minutes after everyone got home and the girls started putting the hamsters down each-other’s shirts and shrieking. Why is that shrieking so high-pitched?!?!

Me: So overall, what was the best part of the day?

Bill: When you got home.

Me: Awww…Did you miss me?

Bill: No, I was drowning in children and I was hoping you had a flotation device.

10:00am – Must have been distracted when doing laundry: Discover flip-flop, $12 and car keys in washing machine. No hamster, though.

11:00am – Receive letters from school. All three nine-year-olds have the same teacher. They are happy! I am happy! (Only one batch of cupcakes on each holiday! Only one math assignment for me to figure out each night!)

5:00pm – Receive text from pregnant friend regarding whether or not the trap has worked. Inform her that no, it has not, in part because I cannot open it due to the instructions being trapped inside. Ask her, “Doesn’t mommyhood sound exciting?” Explain that mood may be due to being trapped at waterpark in bathing suit with husband’s ex.

To do: Consider slight amount of sugarcoating for those uninitiated to parenting.

6:00pm - Announce to children that it is time to go home. Do not give in to “awww”s or “do we have to?”s until husband’s ex offers to drive them home in an hour. Consider possibility of making dinner without children yelling. Agree. Thank.

6:15pm - Start chicken defrosting. Run down to sort laundry. Simultaneously send text message. Discover I do not have enough hands to carry laundry and iphone upstairs. Put iphone in front of shirt. Discover I am wearing bathing suit cover-up but no bathing suit, therefore no support. Iphone crashes to floor.

6:16pm – Hold breath and discover that husband’s decision to purchase impenetrable steel case for iphone was a good idea.

6:30 Receive email: “Hope you enjoyed your relaxing summer! Are you excited for school tomorrow?” Oh yes, very relaxing. And No. Not Ready.

6:45pm- Children arrive home - loudly. Hamster?!?! No. Pizza?!?!? No. Towels, swimsuits and sunscreen all over the living room floor? Probably.

6:50pm – Garbage disposal is clogged. Pray it is not hamster. Nope. Just a sock.

6:51pm – A sock?!?!

7:00pm - Discover dishwasher not run after lunch. Set table with paper plates.

7:15pm - Present flawlessly executed plate of “Hannah Chicken” (a recipe with a remarkable number of intricate steps, especially considering that it was created by a then-five-year-old.)

7:16pm – Discover that chicken is not cooked all the way. Return to oven. Reply No, we can’t just have pizza. Drink Wine.

To Do: Read Rachel Ray’s 30 minute meals and that other one about the sneaky foods and see if possible to combine. Find Freakin’ Hamster.

8:00pm – race through showers and bedtime routine. Still no Freakin’ Hamster. Remember back to last week – was it just last week? – when I was so bored I was watching toddlers and cupcakes and brides on television. Why didn’t I appreciate that when I could, instead of whining?

8:40pm – Dishes. Put away leftovers for Bill – he should be home any minute, right?!? – Overturn cherry tomato container accidentally. Find all but one tomato, which has rolled under the fridge. Wonder whether hamsters like tomatoes?

8:55pm – Finally figure out trap! Set. Pray.

9:00pm – Bill calls. He will be home in 4 hours. Will I still be up? Yes! Of course! Can’t wait to see him. Put children to bed. Begin watching DVR’d Cupcake Wars episode. Or was it Kate Plus Eight?

6:00am – Alarm sounds for first day of school. Find snoring husband. Appears I did not make it those 4 hours. Summer is over.

6:01am – Discover empty hamster trap. Freakin’ Hamster…

Only 396,000 more minutes until it is summer vacation again.

*No hamsters were harmed in the making of this story.

Epilogue:

Charlie the hamster was trapped by my super-hero-husband in a humane, pain-free, live-trap three days later. He re-joined his brothers in the hamster cage, creating much squealing, jumping and general chaos from our four daughters.

08/06/2011

We made it. We aren’t newlyweds anymore. Our first anniversary was last weekend. So here’s a recap of the last year:

August 2010:

We woke up married on the first day of August. After our families left town, we settled in to life of happy - chaos, and went to the grocery store every single day. We signed the kids up for soccer and started spending every Saturday at the fields. I started my new job and realized I actually liked teaching sixth grade, even though it was an enormous change from elementary school and some of the kids were taller than I. I went to my very first county fair, picked up meat from a packing plant (where I was surprised to find an actual cow!) and was introduced to my new country girl life. It was quite the adjustment!

September 2010:

We took our first family vacation to the Black Hills of South Dakota. While there, we made our first trip to the emergency room when Levi fell off a picnic bench and bit his tongue in half! When we returned home, I upped the craziness factor by volunteering to be the Girl Scout leader for the big girls. At our first event, rollerskating, Emily broke her arm, sending us to the ER for the second time that month. September also brought my birthday, our first Jewish holiday away from my parents, and Brady, our new Golden Retriever.

October 2010:

We finished soccer and started basketball, overlapping for one completely insane Saturday. We celebrated our first family Halloween. Gabriella decided that she absolutely HAD to be corn. Corn?!? After scouring every available option for purchase, we ended up making the costume ourselves – and then she won the costume contest at the mall.

November 2010:

In November, my kids went to their dad’s house for our first-ever holiday apart. Bill’s kids would also spend Thanksgiving with their mom this year. The Bunch celebrated Thanksgiving early with our new “family,” friends we’d made since moving to South Dakota. Then, on the real Thanksgiving, Bill and I took our Honeymoon trip to Jamaica! Five days of rum punch and beach helped ease the pain of being away from our kids on Thanksgiving…

December 2010:

My kids taught Bill’s kids about Hannukah. Bill’s kids taught my kids about Christmas. We celebrated the twins’ birthday with a Rock Star Diva Party. In short, it was present-palooza. We attended 6 holiday concerts and baked cupcakes for 4 school holiday parties. We prepared for our first airplane trip! We planned to take the kids to New York for 5 days to celebrate the New Year with my East Coast Family. Our trip was delayed by 3 days because of a humungous snowstorm, which increased the ever-growing insanity as we made our way across the country. We vowed never again to travel in the winter with six kids.

January 2011:

After giving the kids a whirlwind tour of NYC, we flew home again in time to resume school. We started ice skating lessons – chaos on ice – and archery. We got more and more snow and the temperature in our town never once got above zero. I started collecting scarves and mittens. The kids stopped thinking that snow was fun. We couldn’t use our front door for the whole month because the snow covered it.

February 2011:

We celebrated our first Valentine’s Day by sharing pink chocolate fondue with all six kids. We added Volleyball to our list of activities, causing us to have to move to a larger calendar in order to keep track of everyone’s daily events. Nana and Pop came to visit and we sent the icicle versions of them home a week later.

March 2011:

In March we celebrated Gabby’s 5th birthday with a Cowgirl Birthday Party and Sam’s 11th with an “I’m-to-cool-for-a-theme” Party that involved pop and Cheetos getting ground into the playroom carpet and several preteen girls on cell phones in our living room. Bill’s parents surprised us on a day that was both “National No Housework Day” AND “National Beer Day,” which turned out kind of funny.We took six kids to the circus. March also marked the second time the kids left for a week to visit their dad. This time there was no Jamaica to distract me and it was just plain hard. March was also the start of the Girl Scout Cookie Sale, which took over my life for about a month. We ate more than we sold and I threatened not to be the leader next year unless someone helped. Bill threatened not to be my husband next year if I tried to do it alone again. I started blogging and wrote the first chapter of a book. Bill decided I had officially lost it.

April 2011:

By April, basketball and ice-skating were over, so we signed the kids up for language classes. They learned to count to 10 in French, Chinese and Spanish, and that’s about it. We celebrated Passover and Easter as only the Bunch could. Things started to calm down, or maybe we were just getting used to the chaos. By the end of the month, it was almost possible to go out of the house without a down parka and insulated ski mask… but it hadn’t stopped snowing yet.

May 2011:

In May, we celebrate Brianna’s 9th birthday with a Minute-to-Win-It Party, Levi’s 4th birthday with a race car party, and the last day of school by starting to pack for our summer adventures. It was weird to end school while it was still sweater-weather outside, but we were happy to have made it through our first year of school in a new place!

June 2011:

We took another family vacation – this time to stay at my parents’ house in Massachusetts for a month! The kids had lots of adventures and spent some quality time with Nana and Pop. We went to the Mayflower, Fenway Park, The Science Museum, Cape Cod, The New England Aquarium, Codzilla and the Swan Boats. We coined the term: “You Got Blended,” and used it frequently. I put my three children on a plane with their father and said good-bye for the rest of the summer, before flying back home with Bill and his three.

July 2011:

Bill and I spent quality time with his kids who now have a wonderful week on/week off schedule between our house and their mom’s. We were able to take trips back and forth to all sorts of very exciting places – like Broadus, Montana, and Riverton, Wyoming. We put 10,000 miles on my car and saw 10,000,000 cows, and not much else. We came back home to spend our first anniversary together in our own home. With no kids, we had a lot of free time that day and came up with the following numbers to describe our first unbelievable year as a family.

This Year In Numbers:

-Miles we put on my Honda Pilot: 18,000

-Towns we drove through with population less than 1000: 74

-Emergency room visits: 5

*Facebook - 5 hours in the urgent care, one Payless-Zebra-print-high-heele​d-wearing-googling Nurse and a great big giant shot later and Hannah's infection is under control. Just a disclaimer: I have nothing against Payless OR Zebra print high-heels. Neither, however, inspired confidence this afternoon...

07/02/2011

Happy Fourth of July Weekend! We're on a roadtrip to Bill's hometown for the 4th and also for his 20th reunion, so I thought you'd like to read a little something I wrote last year after visiting Broadus for the first time. It was about 4 days after I moved to the Midwest and I still thougth MY town was tiny! We were less than a month away from our wedding day...

In An Effort to Prove that Our Town was Actually BIG:

*Facebook 7/2/10 - It is official. I live here - and I have the cowboy boots to prove it!

A week after I moved to South Dakota, Bill decided to show me just how BIG our small town is. He took me to his hometown: Broadus Montana, “The Wavingest Town in the West.” Population: 393. I have heard many stories about growing up in this wonderful town, and couldn’t wait to see it with my own eyes.

But first we had to get there.

*Facebook 7/2/10 – I can’t believe we are getting in the car AGAIN! After a three-day drive across the country and then a 10 hour drive to the Minneapolis airport and back to drop off the kids, I don’t know if I can handle another 10 hour round trip! But Broadus, Montana – Here we come!

*Facebook 7/2/10 – No worries, Bill says there is TONS to look at on this drive…

*Facebook 7/2/10 - We are in Faith, SD - home of Daisy Duke. But, alas, I've left my short shorts at home.

*Facebook 7/2/10 - There is not a lot to do on the drive from South Dakota to Montana and I don't know if you've noticed, but I've spent a lot of stinkin’ time in the car lately. New game: Bill is pointing out deer and I'm naming them like hurricanes. Hello Orville, Penelope and Quentin.

*Facebook 7/2/10 - Whose job is it to change the sign when the population changes from 204 to 205 in Nisland, South Dakota?

*Facebook 7/2/10 – Just crossed the border into Montana. This is now, officially, the 14th state Bill and I have visited together!

It was the 100th anniversary of the town and the all-class reunion, so just about everyone who had ever lived there was coming back for July 4th weekend.

It seems that not much had changed in Broadus since Bill left there 19 years earlier. Everywhere we went there were memories to be shared and people to meet. In Broadus, like Cheers in Boston, Everybody Knows Your Name. And surprisingly to me…everyone even knew my name! My Mother-in-law-to-be had arrived a week earlier so she had seen to it that everyone in Broadus was already prepped on the whole situation. I’ve never received such a warm welcome in my whole life!

The first night, as we drove into town, it was necessary to slow down to a crawl. The streets were overflowing with old classmates and family members talking together. There are two bars in Broadus, one on each side of the street and the party flowed seamlessly between them. Our car was mobbed by Bill’s family and friends and we had to fight for the chance to park and get out. The partying and memories didn’t stop all weekend.

I would have a very clear picture of Bill’s whole pre-college life, (including all his high school girlfriends) at the class of 1991 reunion planned for one afternoon. Cheryl, who grew up in Broadus with Bill, became my good friend as an adult, and introduced Bill and me last year, held the reunion at the house which once belonged to her grandmother. Since there were only 25 kids in Bill’s graduating class, the reunion was on her front porch. Drinks and conversation flowed, and I learned all about how my husband-to-be had been voted both Most Athletic and Homecoming King in High School! Who knew I was engaged to such a big deal?!

I watched Bill’s high school teammates play a softball tournament on the field where they had played since they were Little Leaguers. His buddies asked why “Little Billy Hoffman” wasn’t playing today. When I questioned him about this nickname, Bill admitted that after his first American Legion game in Miles City, the coach said in an on-air interview, “I was really impressed with Little Billy Hoffman’s playing.” Since there was really only one radio station that could be picked up in Broadus the whole town heard it! Humbly, Bill added, “Who wouldn’t be Impressed with me? I hit for a cycle and played awesome defense that day!” (I don’t know some of the words in that sentence, but it seems impressive to me…)

When we went to the “100 Years of Fashion in Broadus” show in his high school auditorium, I not only heard about the amazing clothing adventures of Broadus residents over the last century, I also heard, from Bill, about all of his “adventures” in that school. In the interest of protecting the “innocent,” I’ll just leave it to your imagination.

The Fourth of July parade was like a step back in time, watching all of the old cars and tractors go by, the kids running into the street to pick up suckers and tootsie rolls. Bill pointed out each person as they walked or rolled by. He knew everyone, and everyone knew him.

On Main Street, there is a store advertising antiques and espresso in a mural painted on the side of the building. Obviously the idea of shopping and coffee drew me in, but I was not prepared for what I found. Inside this building was a fascinating store called Copper Moon, filled with wonderful little trinkets, gorgeous home décor and garden accents. Different from the stores I was used to on the East Coast: Everything in the store was unique and appeared to be one of a kind. There I found three things:

An amazing hanging decoration that was so perfect for our wedding even Bill agreed (and bought it).

A salesperson, about my age (so a few years younger than Bill) who said when I introduced myself, “Bill Hoffman?!?!” [swoon] “Ohhhh. I know who HE is. He was senior when I was a freshman….Is he here?!?”

A sign that reads, “Too Blessed to be Stressed” which now hangs in our kitchen.

The weekend was filled with activities I’d never done before, stories about Bill I’d never heard before, and more, “Oh, Jody! I’ve heard so much about you”s than you can imagine, usually accompanied by a hug. This town loved Bill, so they accepted me by extension. Although I was still getting used to the change from Boston to our small South Dakota town, somehow I could even imagine myself living here. For what this town lacks in chain stores and stoplights, it more than makes up for in heart. Bill says his best memories came from Broadus and it will always be “home” to him.

*Facebook 7/3/10 – Goin’ to a country dance and pitchfork fondue in Broadus Montana! Yee haw-got my new boots on.

06/29/2011

Bill and I had a four-day first date. When we were both single parents of three, we called to chat with complain to our mutual friend about our situations. When she was sick of having the same conversation twice everyday, she “introduced” us. “Just talk to each other!” she said. “I don’t have time for this!” So we did.

We began talking on the phone about six weeks before we met for the first time. We lived 2000 miles apart, but connected so strongly that he bought the plane tickets the morning after our first conversation – which had lasted 5 hours. He flew to our friend’s house in Connecticut and I drove down to meet him. Amazingly, there was never a moment of awkwardness or nervousness about meeting for the first time. We both felt like we had been together forever and were just on vacation. Since it had been such a wonderfully relaxing and gorgeous first date, we decided recently to take the children on a tour of the places we had visited. It wasn’t exactly the same…

On our First Date, Bill and I went to Black Point Beach – a beautiful, quiet beach on the Long Island Sound. I used to go to this beach every summer when my maternal grandparents were alive. This is what it looked like when I took my three kids there:

This is what it looked like when Bill and I went there on our First Date:

This is what it looked like (after an hour of pleading and a bag of Twizzlers as a bribe) when we took all 6 kids there:

On our First Date, Bill and I went for a walk on a Boardwalk. He was disappointed when he heard that there was no ice cream stand nearby as he had “imagined us walking on the boardwalk licking ice cream cones.” Intrigued that this man had been “imagining” us on our date, I also felt disappointed that this part of his vision would not come true. We pulled into the parking lot of the boardwalk and noticed that they were nailing a sign to the side of what had been an antique store the summer before. It said, “Gumdrops and Lollipops: Homemade Candy…and Ice Cream Shop.” What? As our date and our life continued, we would come to expect these silly twists of fate that worked like neon signs pointing us towards the obvious conclusion that we were meant to be together. This was the first one. The ice cream store was opening as we spoke. Our cones were the first ones ever served there. When we went back the following summer and dropped off a photo from that first date and explained what had happened, the owner exclaimed, “You should get married here!” This summer we brought them a wedding photo…They remembered us.

This is what it looked like when Bill and I went to the ice cream shop on our first date:

This is what it looked like when we took all 6 kids to the ice cream shop:

On our First Date, Bill and I drove from the ice cream store to Harkness Park, a gorgeous historic estate complete with a mansion, gardens, and a beach. We wandered around: holding hands, sitting for photos, kissing embarrassingly. It was beautiful. It was calm. It was perfect.

This is what it looked like when we went to Harkness Park on our First Date:

This is what it looked like when we bribed the kids to sit in the same spot:

This is what it really looked like when the kids were at the estate.

Before Bill arrived for our first date, I had done some research on seafood spots near where we were staying. (I hate seafood, but he loves it and I was pretending. Plus I was pretty sure they’d have something else for me to eat.) When I found Bill’s Seafood, I thought for sure I had it right. He loved it. I loved him. They had chicken. It was perfect.

This is what it looked like when Bill and I went to Bill’s Seafood:

This is what it looked like when we took all 6 kids to Bill’s Seafood:*Facebook - Sorry, Bill’s Seafood, we didn’t know that the lobster would scare Gabby, causing her to scream in your restaurant. Also, we understand that the seagulls would rather not have had Levi throwing ketchup-covered French fries at them. You just got Blended.

After our re-created first date, we drove back to Nana and Pop’s house with exhausted, sandy children. We put them to bed and collapsed into a heap on the couch. When we were wandering through the Connecticut shore that April day, we could never have imagined where we would end up two years later. Our recreated date was definitely not as calm or relaxing as the real first date - in fact it was completely insane. But it was, just as the first one, exactly what we were looking for. Our friend introduced us way back then because she wanted to change our lives. She had no idea.

06/11/2011

Step 1. Do laundry. Do ALL the laundry. You will need every pair of underwear you can find.

Step 2. Start making piles. You can ask the children to help you, if you’d like. In my experience, doing so will increase the amount of time it takes to complete step 2 by approximately 3,000 percent. Child labor, in this case, will also add to the possibility that you will end up in your destination without socks, sweatshirts...or the whiniest child. Regardless, every child will need:

-4 pairs of shorts

-2 pairs of long pants

-5 pairs of underwear

-5 pairs of socks

-3 pairs of pajamas

-1 sweatshirt

-1 raincoat

-1 pair of sandals

-1 pair of sneakers

-1 pair of dress shoes

-1 dressy outfit

-2 bathing suits

-1 hat

-1 “lovey”

-1 toothbrush

-1 Hairbrush

-4-8 books

-1 Ds, Dsi or PSP

-1 ipod

-Chargers for Ds, Dsi or PSP and ipod

-1 Backpack full of snacks for the airplane

This list, of course, assumes that you are a) traveling in the summertime and b) going to my mom’s house and she will do all of your laundry for you. If you are going to someplace cold, someplace without washing machines, or someplace without my mother, good luck, my friend – you’re on your own.

Step 3. They will not need (although they will try to pack):

-Winter Coats

-Roller Skates

-Bicycle Helmets

-Breakfast Cereal

-Ride-on Mechanical Pony

-Power Wheels Jeep

-75 Barbie Dolls

-Barbie Dream House

-Last year’s sneakers that don’t fit anymore but are their “FAAV-RITTE.”

-The next-door neighbor

-Your dog(s)

Step 4. Once you have located the 240 items that they do need and weeded out the 96 things they do not, now you are ready to start putting items in suitcases. Here’s a sample dialogue you may need to use with your husband at this point:

Wife: Honey? Can you do me a quick favor?

Husband: Sure, Darling, whatever you need (or something along that general theme. If you have been as obnoxious to your husband while packing as I usually am, this may go more like, “WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?” But just go with it.)

Wife: Would you please bring me the suitcases from the basement?

Husband: Which ones?

Wife: Um, All of them.

Husband: (chuckles) No, really, which ones?

Wife: (smiles sweetly) No, really, ALL of them.

Husband: (grumbles to himself as he walks down the stairs to the basement and returns with 6-8 suitcases)

Wife: Thank you, Sweetie. (or other term of endearment that secretly, in your head, means Jerkface)

Husband: (under his breath) No big deal, just paying $20 per bag each way across the freakin’ country…

Wife: (Pretends not to hear. Starts loading items.)

Step 5. Now get ready to pack yourself. Depending on how many different events/activities you will attend on your vacation, pack between 5 and 35 outfits. (I usually lean towards 20 just to be safe.) Make sure to pack accessories! Cross-reference your outfits with events, shoes and jewelry. Now add make-up, hair products and lotion. It is probably best to zip this suitcase shut before your husband comes back.

Step 6. Time to pack your husband! (Unless he is one of those special-edition husbands who packs himself AND ends up in your destination with underwear and a toothbrush.) Throw 5 polo shirts, a couple of pairs of khaki shorts, flip flops and a pair of sneakers in a bag. Add the underwear and toothbrush. His stuff will probably even fit in with one of the kids’ suitcases. He doesn’t care what he’s wearing, anyway.

Step 7. Weigh the suitcases. The airlines will limit you to one 50-pound bag per person. Overweight bags will cost more. In order to weigh suitcases, one must step on the scale alone, then step on the scale while holding the bag and finally, subtract the first weight from the second one. Get one of your (strong) children or your husband (if he’s still speaking to you) to do this project for you. Under no circumstances should you ever stand on a scale the day before you go on vacation. (Especially if one of the outfits you packed is a bathing suit.)

If one suitcase is overweight, transfer items to a lower-weight suitcase. You may have to do this and re-weigh the suitcases several times before you get it exactly right. Whatever you do, don’t remove any shoes. Pack an extra suitcase if you have to. Accept that your husband will not understand the necessity for this many pairs of shoes. You and I both know whichever pair you leave behind will be the ones you wish you had when you get there! Your husband’s suitcase, since he needs next-to-nothing, is a great place to hide an extra pair of heels or two.

*Facebook 5/31/11 – Packing. Bill does not understand why I have so many shoes. I told him Cinderella is proof that sometimes all you need is a really great pair of shoes. He is un-impressed.

Step 8. Now on to carry-ons. Each child will need only one item to keep them entertained throughout the entire flight. The problem is, it is impossible to know which item that is until you get on the plane, and if you guess and are wrong…well, let’s just say you won’t be flying the Friendly Skies. You’ll be flying the Lady-Why-Can’t-You-Just-Control-Your-Stinkin’-Kids Skies. The good news is that both previously mentioned airlines will serve rum for a nominal cost.

In order to try to have the correct item on hand, pack as many things in your child’s backpack as possible. Test the weight by placing it on your child’s back and asking them to walk down the street. Take out items until they stop whining.

Step 9. Label. Make sure all of your bags and carry-ons are correctly labeled with your name, phone number and airline. If you are as neurotic as I am, or if any of your children wander as easily as mine do, you may want to consider labeling the children too. I find that a shipping label size works the best. I usually use a message such as this:

IF YOU ARE CLOSE ENOUGH TO THIS LABEL THAT YOU CAN READ IT AND NO ONE IS HOLDING MY HAND, PLEASE CALL MY MOM! And then a number.

I have also found that a simple identification including my cell phone, Bill’s cell phone number and our airline is just as effective in making me feel secure enough to actually take six kids to an airport.

Step 10. Load the car. If you have a car big enough to hold 6 children, 2 adults and enough baggage for a month, pack everything inside. (Then, please leave a comment below and tell me what it is – my Honda Pilot is awesome, but…no way!) If not, stack things on the roof and ask your husband to tie them down. (If he’s still not talking to you because you were so obnoxious while packing, then just send one of the kids to ask.)

Step 11. You’re ready! Have fun! Good Luck. You know that saying about how the fun is in the journey, not in the destination? Not today.