Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Need to get to bed soon

I really should be in bed right now. It's about 1:15 am & I need to be up early for my apptmt with Ms. J tomorrow. Can't really sleep though because I took a nap today. Finally broke down and went to the dr to find out what's wrong with me that I've been sick for a month. Had to go to some stupid ass clinic because no one accepts Medicaid. The dr gave me an antibiotic, one I'd actually never heard of before. Guess when you're fucking broke & on government aid, they give you all the old ass shit none of the real drs are even prescribing anymore.Came home & pretty much collapsed right after that. I feel so shitty. Wonder if I feel so damn bad because my blood pressure is up. Mine is usually on the low side of normal, but today it was high. I'm just glad the nurse came in with some wrist thingy that took my blood pressure. I hate having to explain the scars on my arms, though I was all prepared with my response had they seen them and asked.Slept enough to go to the NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) meeting tonite. Not sure what even possessed me to go. Curiosity I guess. Kept seeing them advertise the meeting on our local cable access channel. Said it was a support meeting for family & friends of those suffering from mental illness. Hey, I'm family & friend to a few nutcases, so I qualify. Because it's holiday time tho, only 3 other people were there...the director, his assistant & the assistant's mother.I was more or less just interested to hear what other people say about us nutcases. At first I played like I was just there to get info on how to support the stupid fuckhead ex that has bipolar. Didn't know if they'd object to me being there because I'm mentally ill myself. Turns out the assistant has battled with bipolar for quite awhile (which explains why his mother was there) so I felt ok telling them I was a mental case myself.The meeting was actually a bit interesting. Was able to get some names & numbers of places I could get mental health services from if I'm ever able and willing to seriously consider working towards wellness. Told them where I stood in that respect...that I am more than willing to help others, but feel I'm terminal myself. Kind of sounds hypocritical, but I don't know. Maybe if I could help just one person not suffer through what I've been through, or not suffer as long, then maybe my life won't be a complete fucking waste. Who fucking knows. I don't know what the hell I'm thinking anymore.Time to pop some pills & pass out.