Mom Mentor at:

Sorry to be so blunt. You know I love your sunshine, long daylight hours and ease of unstructured time, but after this summer trip, my hopes dropped to the level of my sandal straps.

Be it the green pines surrounding Lake Tahoe, the waving palms on Hawaii or honking horns echoing throughout New York City, as the cliché goes, we take ourselves with us wherever we go. The notion that taking a trip serves as a paintbrush gliding over the not-so-colorful parts of ourselves is lovely, yet not realistic.

Don’t misunderstand. I treasure my family and the time away from home we get to have with one another. I love them. It’s just that sometimes we roll so differently, making those differences as contrasting as the bright stars against the dark, night sky.

If I can remember to recall basic truths relative to personality differences in our growing family, including maturity levels and temperaments, chances are good that I can head off at the pass those minor irritations that strap me into a negative mindset. You know the ones, Summer. They often become catalysts for such thoughts like, “I need a weekend away with just the girlfriends!” (Which, by the way, is not a bad idea.) Resolutions and goals are often born from spaces that having time away creates. There’s nothing wrong with using the free space we have in our heads to set goals or decide we are going to infuse something new into our lives.

Being a parent has given me the experience and awareness of how our family works best (without having to pursue an MFT license). Making a momentary decision to grab a snack in order to ward off inevitable crankiness that low blood sugar levels create, deciding to linger longer at a museum exhibit, step to the side of a trail, or sit on a bench by a fountain to eat ice cream, gives freedom to nix the “pack-it-all-in” mindset. Delays, interruptions and sidetracks are part of living in real time. Seeing what is in front of us can not only be enough, but rich in simplicity. Not every sight has to take my breath away.

I had thought that being on vacation might mean less bickering between my daughters, but there we were, seated at a beautiful restaurant on Father’s Day, only to have the meal gobbled up by disregard for one another. As my temper grew hot enough to reheat the coffee in the lovely porcelain mug set before me, I was left with no choice other than to simmer down. I can’t mandate a “No traveling till everyone grows up,” ordinance but my husband and I can continue to teach thoughtful communication (even when “on vacation”) and fight for the importance of taking time to repair and restore brokenness, rifts and other rips that tears connection. The opportunity to happily look back on our trips and time together will hopefully be in the foreground of our memories with trivial matters set into the distant background. With that understanding, when a great time of relating ironically takes place at a dingy, hole-in-the-wall eatery, I won’t be blocked by a wall of rage preventing me from enjoying a beautiful moment.

Sight-seeing has its moments as well even if it doesn’t transfer to retaining vasts amounts of information. My kids may not return home inspired to become archaeologists after hiking alongside stunning rock formations nor ace history because they walked the Freedom Trail in Boston. Exposure was given, impressions created and learning curves do continue over time. Images are deposited into the memory banks, camera (or rather, phone), and become new reference points. Grabbing pieces of information over a lifetime can be just as educational as viewing something in its entirety.

Will we process aloud all that we have seen over a summit discussion-like manner around every meal the way I would like? No. When it’s time to download and share everything from the day that struck us, not all tabletop time is going to be filled with stimulating conversation the way I would prefer. (I need not project the professional aspects of working at a talk radio station onto my family!) My family would be better served by my supporting those who require quietness in order to recharge, as much as those needing to speak. As much as I want others to have tolerance, I need to have it as well.

And speak they will. My growing girls are no longer without self-direction but have opinions and preferences. They are now forming their own views and beliefs. Summer, you provide opportunities for honoring and respecting one another’s differences and interests with patience and respect—a mantra I’ve been chanting in our household as often as, “say please and thank you.” We still don’t have this down to a perfect science, but you’d be proud. My girls understand that traveling isn’t just about feeding personal wants, but processing what we haven’t chosen to do as much as what we have chosen. There’s something to take away from all experiences, even if the ones we aren’t drawn to. My husband and I are teaching our girls the importance of prioritizing each person’s interests, as this builds respect and acceptance for the tastes of others, hopefully open-mindedness, and an opportunity to learn something new outside one’s own interests.

During our vacation, when we were visiting my parents on the East Coast, my father needed to be hospitalized. As we tailed the speeding ambulance to the Emergency Room, I was thankful to be present given I live 3000 miles away. My daughters witnessed the unplanned and frightening parts of life that don’t come from roller-coaster rides nor from encountering wildlife on a hike, and got to be at their grandfather’s side in the uncomfortable space of the ER where much of what is not so beautiful, takes place. Even in the joys and pleasures of life, evenon vacation, where all is hoped to be perfect and plentiful, there can be interruptions, the unexpected, unthinkable, and sometimes, the sorrowful. These moments are hardly the pleasant side of what you have to offer, Summer, but necessary ones that deliver the urgent reminder of what truly matters beyond a trip.

Even as a grown adult, you have a lot to teach me, Summer, and your purposes don’t lay solely in seeing as much as we can fit in and having a problem-free itinerary. The security of smooth and simple is not always as growth-filled and purposeful as rough and real.

Maybe, Summer, I really don’t want my time nor money back. Beyond the rays of your sunshine, there are truths you shine in the wake of its shadows; principles that unlike frequent flyer miles don’t expire, but that remain with us long after the vacation is over.

Top 10 and even top 200 itemized lists of fun-filled activities and freeing ways to spend meaningful time together with our child(ren) are popping up in an effort to generate laughter, a sense of wonder, adventure and best of all, memories in the unstructured season of summer under its sunny, iconic umbrella.

When I read though the lists of ideas they sound tranquil. Breezy. So Zip-a-dee-doo-dah. Oh summer, please come so we can wear flip flops 24/7, pick blueberries and stay up late without a school schedule hovering overhead.

I have my list, of course. We all do, right? Granted, nobody else might care about taking their kids to see a Red Sox game, drawing on the driveway with chubby chalk sticks or reading picture books aloud on the sofa even though your kids might be elementary age but that’s okay. We all have those things we will do regardless of what our kids think.

Until of course, something gets in its way.

Or someone.

I’m more than capable of emptying my kids’ emotional buckets. At times, resenting the bucket. Even taking the gift of the bucket for granted.

At that time, it’s time for a humility check.

A God check.

A trip out to the pastures to get my bucket in smoother shape.

Which, when am convicted to my core, takes place on my knees. Prayer is there where I am reminded of all the things that I don’t want on my bucket list nor in my children’s internal emotional bucket that I can be guilty of pouring in. It’s time to confess it all and bring my muck to the feet of the One who can clean it up so that I can have a clean bucket.

What does God have to do with buckets and being filled?

Everything.

He the mighty bucket filler. He is Peaceful. Gentle. Loving. Kind. Joyful. Good. Faithful. (Gal 5:22). He fills me each day with the opportunity to develop these attributes so I can have just a smidgeon, a spec, of Christlike character. How can I not turn around and fill my children’s bucket with the same attributes and attitude Jesus has shown me?

Who am I to empty out what Jesus has filled?

That filling began at the cross, when Jesus emptied Himself until there was nothing but a submissive spirit left in His beaten, broken, weakened body. That submission, even though He had asked “…take this cup from me,” (Luke 22:42), led Him to the unthinkable. The horrific. The no-turning-back from what we each would have been desperate to flee and escape from as fast as our legs would move. Yet, as ugly as Jesus’ temporary death was and the events leading up to his death, is as beautiful and permanent as His eternal authority and the heavenly home He has established for each of us who accept His gift of salvation, who believe he died and rose again, defeating death.

Jesus’ obedience to do His Father’s will in going to the cross so that I and the world could have freedom from the condemnation we deserve from our own sin, and having and being an imperfect person day after day, is a fill I don’t think I will ever truly comprehend, and admittedly, on some days treat too casually. I have a life free of eternal judgment and consequence because of the price Jesus paid on my behalf. I am not going where I should. I am not getting what I deserve, and that’s a fill right there to be thankful about. A life merciful and graciously forgiven is another fill we experience when we believe that God sent his Son Jesus to redeem us with His blood, shed in our place, and set us apart for Himself to live a life empowered by His righteousness instead of my old icky nature.

Which can still rear its head but He helps me keep things in check. Daily.

How?

He convicts me. Corrects me gently. Reminds me to be in His word. Strengthens me.

So this summer, as I try and hit those items on my bucket list (and perhaps you as well), may I/we remember and never forget, the true bucket filler of all. With Jesus as our guide, we can be strong and loving fillers to our children who need a fun bucket list for sure, but even more so, who need strong bucket fillers.

My girls have Jesus, the ultimate bucket filler, and God willing, a mom who can pour into them with Him as her guide.

I admit, those were often my go-to words when I needed to forgive. I know the process should be as easy and quick as 1-2-3, but there were times when I couldn’t even get to zero.

Maybe someone comes to mind for you when it comes to needing to forgive, and the discomfort or pain is as deep as days gone by. Have you struggled with the ease of forgiving in a quick and easy 1-2-3 step? Maybe, like me, you are someone counting to 100 in order to get there….only to arrive at a snail’s pace counting by single digits.

No matter, the act of forgiving can be tough, sometimes coupled with lingering anger that can surprise us when hurt has occurred in our seemingly safe, Christian, trustworthy circles or bubbles where falling-outs (ideally) shouldn’t go unresolved longer than a Supreme court ruling would allow. We can be challenged in “manning up” to initiate forgiveness and seek resolution–once our nerves stop rattling from being the one having to do so.

Perhaps you’re holding onto bitterness that resulted from an unresolved exchange, dialogue or circumstance that erupted into a parting of ways or break in connection. “Now what?” you’re asking. Maybe you’ve already reached out and took the stand to be the “bigger person” or are hoping the other person will be the one to stand tall and initiate contact or an apology. On the other hand, maybe you’ve parked yourself in anger and resentment with no plans of pulling out from that space.

To be honest, for me, staying steamed felt better than cooling off. With one person in particular, I felt justified in remaining mad. Afterall, I was wronged, and even when I tried to bring about resolution, I was met with disinterest. Why continue to make amends when that person won’t even take ownership let alone be willing to connect to discuss the matter so resolution can happen?What’s the good in that?

Jesus.

Jesus is the GOOD in THAT.

As a result of that goodness, I’m not paying the price for my mishaps and mistakes nor having to suffer judgment (not necessarily consequences but judgment) I deserve today, the rest of my earthly days, and days thereafter–all because of that GOOD Jesus did by dying on the cross.

That’s THE way Jesus chose.

He didn’t choose anger, He chose forgiveness toward those who sinned against him. “And Jesus said: ‘Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.’ ” (Luke 23:34) HIS way of responding to a battle is opposite from our natural tendency to either pull back or rage ahead. Jesus released and continues to release all trespasses committed against him and all the offenses we commit against Him and one another. That rightaction makes my inaction, willful, weak and wrong in comparison. Once I understood that, I had to make different choices around my not-so-forgiving attitude.

A forgiven sinner forgives others–a truth we hear in our Christian circles that can convict us to the core because we’re on the hook in having to forgive, and that’s not always easy when we have been wronged or deeply hurt. It can be tough, yet, in order to experience full freedom and model Christ-centered behavior as moms and women, we have togive outout of obedience what we have accepted in gratitude.

Grace. Mercy. Forgiveness.

Jesus gave it to us as quickly as 1-2-3. Shouldn’t I?

I have to tell myself that kinder feelings about the person with whom I am angry at, will have to catch up (or not) as I step out into obedience to forgive and give hurt an opportunity to drown rather than stay afloat. If I wait until I am in the mood to forgive or for my feelings to shift from anger to love before I act, then I am following myself, not the LORD. Truth is, I may be waiting for a long time. I can take the step to forgive, and Jesus can then help to get my feelings or perspective in order and change my outlook and heart, all of which are really secondary to the forgiving piece anyway.

For starters, we forgive because He forgave us. He’s our model because He is supreme, creator, God. We forgive so we can live and benefit from the affects of forgiveness and be released from the power that anger and resentment hold in our entire being which then trickles into our relationships. Bitterness breeds bitterness and that will be our fate when we keep it alive. I see how the effects can grow and cause more pain, and subsequently, create reactions that call for more forgiveness! It can be an endless cycle. Jesus loves us so much that He wants us to be free from those painful effects that keep us trapped and spinning in the same volatile direction.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18)

We forgive to eliminate having divisiveness in our relationships. Jesus died to deliver peace. If I am following my Lord and Savior, how can I act any differently? I am His child and that means irritation and anger really can’t take up permanent residence or I’d be a hypocrite. Letting the anger go, doesn’t mean it’s easy. THAT part, God has to help me with and that’s okay. He’s up for the job of healing my hurts and helping us grind out that hard, internal stuff that we struggle against. The process might be lifelong, but I think as long as we are leaning on Him, we’ll get there under His guidance with a work being done that only He can accomplish.

“And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” (Matthew 6:12)

God will deal with all people accordingly and hold each person accountable for their actions. Let’s leave the judgment of peoples’ hurtful actions to God and the choice to move forward in forgiveness to us. God will equip and enable us to overcome the sorrow of hurt actions when we invite Him into our emotional mess that He can clean up and restore to a right and beautiful condition.

“But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you…” (Acts 1:8)

We receive the power to forgive others through Jesus and only Jesus. His power to do so is readily available when we call upon Him to depend on His strength to do that particular work. If it takes me till 100, that’s on me, as it probably means I am going through the process in my own strength, rather than His.

Thankfully, His forgiveness timeline is as short and sweet as 1-2-3.

Who might God be calling you to forgive this week? With the Lord’s help, can you make the process be as quick as 1-2-3 and depend on Him in the process of moving through the process of forgiving?

Who doesn’t like a smooth, straight path? Who doesn’t want the very best road for themselves and for their children? We can be prideful. Unwilling to let go of control. But let’s try. Let’s let God, who knows the perfect way and the BEST way, be in control of where we are heading…with everything! Our goals, our children, our instruction, our energy….all of it. Let’s trust in His perfect will for our lives and the lives of our children. It doesn’t mean our paths will be bump-free but they will be what they are suppose to be. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all all your ways submit to him and He will make your paths straight.” (Proverbs 3:5)

Those of you might remember Nellie Oleson, the sassy, outspoken classmate of Laura Ingalls in the book and television series, Little House on the Prairie. She was ruthless, heartless, self righteous, lacked compassion and never hesitated to put down another. We’ve all had face to face tine with Nellies.

Talked with them.

Been in relationship with them.

Hurt by them.

Their names may not be Nellie, they may not have blonde hair nor the snootiness that went along with an ungrateful upper-class lifestyle, but their spirit, demeanor and attributes might bear a close resemblance.

It’s one thing to deal with the pains from people in our own lives as grown adults, or be challenged in putting to rest the unwanted hurts that came from the Nellies of yesterday, but when it comes to helping our children handle the Nellie Olesons in their lives, how do we best encourage and direct them to be God-centered when dealing those difficult people?

Our teaching must first start with our own clean and solid foundation. Perhaps we need to ask, “What are my responses in dealing with difficult people? What are my children seeing and overhearing as they observe my reaction when it comes to dealing with the offenses from others? What am I carrying or what filter am I projecting a possible negative attitude through from my past?”

Ouch!

You mean FIRST take the plank out from my own eye before removing the speck from someone else’s? (Matthew 7:3-5)

Yes.

Do I have to?

Yes, mama.

God calls us to do that. First.

When we can clean up our personal grudges, bitterness, and hurts and release the Nellies from our lives into God’s hands, including the hurt and frustration or perhaps sin we have committed from those pains, we can better equip our children to take the same approach and action. Do we really want them to hang onto those hurts others have caused or allow the affects of painful acts from people to tear down their beautiful spirits and all that God has for them and created in them?

No.

But over time, that pain of rejection can tear down spirits and cause discouragement and despair. Time brings healing but it can also be the catalyst for a snowball of bitterness and resentment that leads to all sorts of negative voices that speak into our minds. You don’t want your children to have that kind of echo playing nor the kind of life that has harbored anger from years gone by.

Neither does God.

If we have tension, anger, are reactive and angry, we may very well parent and coach our kids from the same foundation and our children will take our cues. If we haven’t released our resentment, our instruction might very well be tainted with the emotional charge that comes from our personal pain. We may subtly be teaching our children that holding a grudge and hanging onto resentment is the way to react and the direction to go. Ultimately, their relationships could greatly suffer later in life, and their ability to resolve conflict, never attained.

So let’s move them and ourselves in another direction.

Easier said than done, I know.

But God enables us. His strength, not ours.

I had a few Nellie Olesons as a child who definitely left scars. I wish I had then, known a God who could help me process that pain and to show me who I truly was by His design. Better late than never, and thankfully, my children will have a different view of themselves other than the perspective of their own vision and the vision of others. As long as I point them to God, I pray that their identity and self esteem will be founded on who He is, not determined by someone else’s opinion.

How about you? If you take that past hurt or problem and process it with God, you may very well be surprised as to how He can empower you through those spots where you feel vulnerable, release you from victimhood and replenish you with His perspective on who you are and who He has called you to be. You are no less of a Godly person because someone mistreats you. Your identity is in His care…not the care of others. People, bosses, friends, colleagues didn’t design you. God did. How you handle that mistreatment may very well be make the difference between healing and suffering and taking in love while releasing hatred. You might teach someone about the person of God through yoru ability to forgive and you (and your child), just might be the light somone needs in their lives.

So now that we have you taken care, how about your children? Like I said, when you start with yourself, that’s the first great step because now you are a source of credibility in knowing and understanding their pain. The difference is, while being empathetic when your child shares with you his/her pain, you are going to take the high road in your speech and not react as much as it might be hard to resist.

How?

You are going to first, understand. When they start expressing their emotions, you will of course listen with empathy, compassion and understanding. “Tell me about that.” “That must have been really hard.” I would be so frustrated and angry, too!” Be real with them. They are humans. This is human, yucky stuff. Being a child of God does not mean we don’t experience emotions.

And then help move them forward.

You might:

Pray with your child about their feelings and ask God for His direction and counsel–together.

Offer to pray with your child for that person who has hurt them (a hard one but nonetheless that person needs the power of God in their lives, yes?) Your child’s prayers might be the best thing that ever happened to that Nellie.

Decide to read through God’s promises together as a reminder of who God is (He is “an ever present help in times of trouble,” for example, Psalm 46:1). In situations like these, we have to study the character of God and give Him the focus in our troubles. In return, He gives us His promises of strength, power and wisdom. He gives us peace. God needs to receive just as much attention and focus from us if not more, than the Nellies in our lives. Afterall, He is worthy of our praise and focus. Nellie is not.

Read about God’s people who experienced suffering at the hand of others (age appropriate, of course.) There are people in scripture who are encouraging examples of how God used their pain for something greater and how He empowered them to overcome their hardships (for example, Joseph, Gideon, Moses, Mary, Jesus Himself and so many more who were ridiculed, hurt, ostracized or met with opposition from an unfriendly foe.) But God took care of them. He also took care of their enemies. He is the ultimate judge…and in His time, He will act justly and accordingly with all of us. Everyone gives an account. (Romans 14:10-12)

Pray and ask God to give you and your child insight and wisdom. A level-headed response and a pure heart are the ways of the Lord and ultimately, the ways that make YOU and more like HIM. And you are not a Nellie. (“Create in me a clean heart Oh Lord and renew a right spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10)

Hopefully, our children will have more Lauras in their lives than Nellies, but when those Nellies do show up, they don’t have to tear down our souls. If they do, we need to ask God for His power and over our abilities and where we feel weak. He will equip us and strengthen us.

When disappointment and frustration come on the scene, it is so easy for our eyes to stare at what’s before us and remain fixated on the problem…and as moms, we have a lot of concerns, questions, decisions, pulls and tugs—fix your eyes up above, pray and know that God will see you through the situation even better when your eyes are set on Him. For it is in that focus, dependence and trust where you will receive the strength, wisdom and encouragement you need instead of the discouragement and worry that comes from focusing on the parts of our problems.

Get on your knees.

Pray.

Talk to God.

He has a plan.

And it doesn’t include worry, fear or anxiety but peace, dependence and trust in Him.

If our circumstances create that greater dependence and submission, let’s thank Him. That’s a good thing because it is in those empty places of our soul where He fills us and where we experience His hand at work.

Real work.

True work.

Perfect work.

When you seek Him, the things above, you’ll experience His mighty power that will put those doubts and fears into a smaller place—where they belong, Mom.

“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19) What a great truth to start off our days embracing…God, may each mom reading be quick to listen to the people in her life, especially her children, slow to speak and slow to anger today. We know that you tell us, ‘in your anger, do not sin.’ Help us not to hurt, over-react agitate nor bring about discouragement in another, particularly our kids. Help us to have patience, self control and to not be led by our feelings but by your truths. Let your principles dictate our behavior and the instruction we are giving out to our children. Have a great day moms!

It’s Monday Moms…again. How did it get here so fast?! Okay, we talked about the morning launch off….how we are sending our kids off into their day (homeschool moms, this is you, too!) Here you are again. New day. New week. New opportunities. New moments to approach in a different way. Let’s try again, even if you are rushed, to read just one verse and pray for our day. If you don’t know what to read, head to the Psalms, a great place to pour out your heart. “Father God, help every mom reading to smile at her children this morning and to be calm, encouraging, affectionate and present. Help us not make them crazy with our own anxiety….give us your peace, your patience and the strength and power to remain self controlled, to not get rattled despite what may take place, and to stretch our time as the minutes go quickly. Help us to fill their hearts and minds by praying for them so they know you are in control of all things and that they feel our love for them, not our stress. Thank you that you are God and we are not. You do things much better than we ever could and you equip us with your goodness and power…thank you for our children and for instructing us to encourage them in the way they should go. They are our heart’s desire. Our greatest blessing. Amen.” Okay moms, have a good morning. “The LORD himself goes before you.” (Deuteronomy 31) You are good to go!

Going somewhere, mom? Need some assistance crossing a dangerous intersection or slippery slope? “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Deut. 31:8)

What encouraging words to hear from Moses as he addresses the Jewish nation prior to his death and just before they are going to head to the Promised Land God has prepared for them. But Moses knows the people are fearful, anxious and worried.

Sound familiar?

As moms, we know these feelings fully.

Moses tells the Jewish nation that they will not cross the Jordan but that God himself will cross “over ahead of you.” (Deut 31:3) In other words, God will do the crossing for them. Then Moses told Joshua to be strong and courageous as he takes the people into the new land. He is the one for the job and he is the one God will accompany.

Joshua just has to be obedient, trust and show up for the call.

What job is God calling you to do today? Can you trust that He will accompany you as well?

The same promise holds true for us when we have to venture out into the unknown, into that seemingly “scary” place or take an action that makes our knees buckle. The unfamiliar. The unwanted. The “really, do I have to do that?” situation or place. We do have to do it.

But not alone.

Are you able to take these words in from the same God today, Mom? Wherever you are stepping, wherever you have to go, know that God goes before you and you can trust Him through the entire journey to see you through to the other side. With God, you have no reason to fear and plenty of reason to cross.

Once you get to the other side, you have no idea what He has waiting for you.

During the military battles that King David was engaged in, much dependence was placed on the strength and speed of the chariots and horses that helped secure or weaken a soldier’s mobility during war. Ultimately, it was the strength of God and His resources that could be fully trusted and counted on as well as God’s plans for Israel. King David knew the size of a soldier and number of enemies didn’t equal destruction. He knew that it was the size of His God that would weigh om favorably. (And just a footnote, God’s plans for Israel always prevailed.) That didn’t mean that being prepared and suiting up for battle wasn’t necessary on a soldier’s part, it just meant that at the end of the day, God would overcome injury or death on the battlefield (much like the way He did on the day of His own battle, but that’s another story, isn’t it?)

What battlefield are you on today, mom? What is the chariot you are putting your faith in? The enemy of what you are up against may seem like its ruling the ground you are standing on, but it is God who will strike successfully and rise up. Like King David, when we put our trust in God over the chariots in our lives, we will experience His will and victory in unexpected ways.

Let go of your reigns mom, and trust God. Your chariots will be there, but God is the One you’ll be able to fully count on.

A truth worth riding.

“Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.” (Psalm 20:7)