The girl with the green glass heart.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

It took me six months to put you into words
even though I had the bulk of my material
meticulously catalogued in pictures this whole time. You hear
songs and read books in which the writer
recalls what they wore on the very first date
but I was so obsessed and convicted that this was a story
I wanted to tell. I did not have the voice
to speak back then, so I have saved it for now. I
recorded every single outfit I wore to see you;
all sixteen of them. They form a Winter/Spring fashion editorial,
beautiful spreads that span a rise
in the mercury and a descent in my mercurial self.
Print the pages in color and you will clearly see
my face flushed in half of them
in my attempts to flush you out. For I would get drunk
to think of you less, and you would only start thinking of me
after you got drunk. This was our way of meeting
each other in the middle even if that meant meeting you
at your place. My records additionally detail where I bought
every article of clothing and by the end of our – affair? romance?
I do not know the word that accurately defines what we had –
I could also describe the clothes you wore in detail. My compulsive need to
document and memorize aside, it was not difficult
to remember what you wore on all these nights:
flip flops, straight light blue jeans, and a plain white shirt. Your shirt
once had a nosebleed stain on it and I pointed this out to you.
I felt like a much deeper reflection could
be made on the phenomenon of you choosing to
wear the same thing around me – one outfit, over and over again, from
a fully stocked wardrobe of other clothes, while I was carefully
dressing myself each time, for you and for me and for societal expectations of
men and women and for this poem.

Monday, February 29, 2016

Earlier this month, I said that State of Slightly, my poetry anthology, would come out on March 1. However, I got super excited and so it's out now - good way to mark the leap day, I guess?. Click here to read it. You can download it, share it, quote it, Instagram your favorite parts of it - do as you wish :)

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

I've been working on a poetry anthology, and I'm going to release it here on March 1!

It's titled State of Slightly, and there are 16 poems in it. About half of them are pieces that have been published before on my blog, and the other half are pieces I've kept to myself for the past few months. Here is the cover page (behold - my exquisite graphic design skills):

Here is the lineup of poem titles, as well as a teaser line from each of them:

3. I remember more (about you)"capture this moment because you said goodbye before I said hello"

4. your hometown"the view bears a clarity that never existed between us"

5. things are not what they seem at first"the playwright looked at you, then at me, and said, 'not now. not yet.'"

6. the really complicated race where I loved in first place but lost"please take all the tears that have been scheduled in me for the next two months and do an emergency C-section now, for I have a spare hour before work"

7. when that didn't work"taking your hands and dragging your slender frame as many miles as you do not commit"

8. in this order"I make you feel wanted but I cannot afford to believe myself"

9. everything we get in life is a gift"he's drunk, and I'm drunk on someone who looks like him"

10. the temporary guest"on Saturdays, we wear indifference; we pick up the walls we took off last night and get dressed"

11. superhero (drunk rant)"I wish I was strong enough to accept the kind of love that you were offering me because our lives would be so simple like that"

12. firsts"a hundred forty decibels - the only way I know how to love"

13. fleshing it out"make you say 'you're beautiful' enough times to drown out the things I dislike about myself"

14. loving you, and loving me, in seven short parts"love should exist even without expression and I learned this the hard way with you when we ran out of things to say"

15. I am not writing about you again""I spent nine months being in love with being in love at first sight"

16. the four times you touched me"all we could think about was what we couldn't do"

Life happened, things happened, I felt and did a bunch of things that pushed me to write the things I wrote. I had a lot of fun putting together and editing these pieces (mostly written in 2015, if you're interested in knowing) and I want to share this with you. It will be completely free and accessible to everyone, so just check back here soon. In the anthology, I also explain how it got its title, and everything is formatted nicely. So get excited! March 1 is not that far away...

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

The view from the tram (#11), somewhere in Causeway Bay. Source: my Instagram

Here's a break from my usual kind of posts - none of that soppy drivel today. As 2015 comes to an end, I wanted to share the 15 things that I do, see, experience, or eat every time I'm back in Hong Kong.

As you might know, I lived in Hong Kong between the ages of three and eighteen, and it's where I tell people I'm from. I attend a college I really love in another country and spend at least two-thirds of the year there, making me question what "home" is to me right now. That said, I'm really glad I get to go back to the 852 after every semester to see family and old friends. Even though I'm not sure what "home" is, and if I'm only allowed to call one place that, these things give me a great sense of familiarity and comfort, kind of like a security blanket which is not a hypothetical example because I still have one at the ripe old age of 20.

(Disclaimer: this list does not strive to be a guide for tourists, nor does it strive to encapsulate a "classic Hong Kong experience" - it's just the city through my eyes and these are just my own special things. Another point: I don't really take good pictures [#hkig], so just conjure your own vivid images through my literary prowess. Oh, and last point: all prices are in Hong Kong Dollars.)

1. Chicken and macaroni in tomato soupFairwood | Multiple locations | Approximately $30
Fairwood is a local fast food chain, but this specific dish might actually be my favorite breakfast in the world (and I've travelled a fair bit). A few months ago, my suitemate noticed and pointed out that every time we went for brunch on the weekends at the college dining hall, I wouldn't choose breakfast foods if other options were available. I think my cravings in the mornings have been shaped by the breakfasts I had growing up on this side of the world. Omelettes and waffles are fine, but there's something so wondrous about this soupy, salty, tomato-y dish. For some reason, they have never given me a knife with this dish and so part of the experience involves imperfectly cutting the chicken with a spoon and pacing the consumption of chicken pieces along the consumption of macaroni. Fairwood's preparation (clearly visible, rushed, think assembly lines) is far from grand, and I'm not a Fairwood fan in general, but they have this going for them.

2. Taro milk tea (with bubbles)The food stall on Cannon Street; behind Sogo, around the corner from the minibus stop | Causeway Bay | Approximately $20
I have never not gotten this exact drink from this exact place within the first three days of being back in town. I'm sure there are like 2082309 food stalls in Hong Kong (lolz, I just realized that if this number/keyboard smash was factually true, the "people to food stall" ratio would be under 4:1), but ever since a friend took us on a detour to grab a snack from this place back in eleventh grade, I've just always come back to this one. I love whatever artificial flavors and coloring passes for taro, and it's impossible to find it in the rural town my college is in. I like, but do not love, classic bubble tea because I feel it lacks something that I can find in the taro kind.

Alternative #2: Taro green tea (with no bubbles)Eslite Bookstore, 10th floor, Hysan Place | Causeway Bay | Approximately $25
This version is pretty different to the kind you typically get in food stalls; the sweetness is way milder, and there are what may or may not really be taro bits (which is why I always get it without bubbles). I am slightly ashamed to say that I've gone to this large bookstore for the drink more times than I have for books.

3. The basic Beef Pepper Lunch, large (optional: with an egg + cheese)Pepper Lunch | Multiple locations | Approximately $50-60
The combination of beef, rice, pepper, corn, and a scoop of their special buttery mix on a teppan (a special plate on which the food gets cooked for a while) is so, so, so ridiculously good. It's salty and peppery (wow, what original descriptions), and the corn bits provide a nice comforting crunch while also adding a new dimension of flavor. Getting the dish in large gets you more beef. The egg and/or cheese can be added for a few extra dollars, but sometimes I feel like it detracts from the basic essence of Pepper Lunch.

4. Any salad combination at Urban Bakery Works3rd floor, The Landmark | Central | Below $100
I've honestly never enjoyed salad more than I do at this place. They have a range of options; you pick and choose three for a small box, or five for a larger box. Even though their range isn't that large and choosing five is a matter of not choosing two or three of the options, it's tough because everything looks and tastes so good. Examples of options include miso-glazed eggplants, Thai noodle salad that's slightly spicy, and whatever they do that makes the cauliflower salad really yummy. I first stumbled upon this place in the summer of 2014, and it's been a go-to since.

5. Kingduck3rd floor, apm Millennium City 5 | Kwun Tong | Approximately $100-200 per person
Growing up, my favorite random place for Shanghainese food was this restaurant named China House. I was devastated when I heard that it closed in 2014. But I realized soon after that the restaurant that opened in its place was run by the same people (King Parrot Group) and the menu at Kingduck was almost identical to that of China House's. Maybe KPG decided that the place just needed a slight makeover? Maybe they were trying to capitalize on the hype that frequently surrounds newly opened places in Hong Kong (see also: queues spanning entire streets when Forever 21, Cotton On, American Eagle, and Abercrombie and Fitch first came to town). Anyway, I'm very grateful that I can still go back to the same place to get my usual stewed chicken and vegetable noodles with chilli bean paste on the side. Oh, and they make pretty good wontons too.

6. Brunch Club & Supper1st floor, 13 Leighton Road | Causeway Bay | Approximately $100-120 per person
There is another branch in Central, but I've never been to that one. I had brunch in this branch with a bunch of friends (wow, what a tongue-twister) to celebrate turning 17, which was my last birthday in town before I left for college. The ambience is something distinct from that of other places - the best way I can describe it is that it has a hipster-chic charm of its own. Unlike many places, I don't have a specific dish that I get every time (though I like their set lunches - again, not really a breakfast foods person). My friend who goes to Le Cordon Bleu and writes a foodie blog on her experiences at Michelin-starred restaurants chose to come here the last time we met up over the summer, so take that as some indication of the quality of food at Brunch Club.

7. Aladin Mess2nd floor, 60 Russell Street | Causeway Bay | Approximately $60-100 per person
The location of this hidden gem (spelled with one "L", not two) is hard to describe over the phone to a friend who has never been, so the process of converting new people to Aladin Mess usually involves meeting them at Times Square (see below), which is a minute away. The restaurant, which serves unexpectedly fantastic Indian curry, can be found if you know which nondescript entrance to duck into amidst all the neon signs and buildings and make your way up the slightly sketchy-looking, dusty staircase. I have a weakness for their fish madras with plain steamed rice. A friend first brought me here in high school, and I've been back many times since.

8. Foo Lum Palace438 King's Road | North Point | Approximately $100-150 per person
This place has generally negative reviews on Openrice, and I'm not really their biggest fan either. Foo Lum Palace earns a spot on my list mostly because it is somewhere I go every time I'm back. My grandmother lives in the area, so this is the default place for dim sum with her. This tradition goes wayyy back to the dim sum place that previously occupied this space (kind of like Kingduck, see above). The food is meh, but I think their glutinous rice and chicken wrapped in lotus leaves, cha siu baos, and Yangzhou fried rice are decent.

At this point, I have devoted a whole lot of words and over half of the spots on this list to the subject of food (Hongkongers really do like food). Also, I'm making myself hungry so I'll switch gears.

9. The scent of IFCEverywhere in the IFC mall | Central | Free
No, "the scent" is not a store or a restaurant. Over the past years, I have thought numerous times upon walking into this mall that the literal smell of the place is one of my favorite things in Hong Kong. I associate it with happiness, and I'd consider marrying the first man who bottles that scent and uses it on himself.

10. Cycling from Tai Po Market to Tai Wai (or vice versa)Outside the Tai Po Market/Tai Wai MTR station | New Territories | $70 per person (and someone has to show ID before bikes can be rented)
One of the happiest days of my life was when I was in kindergarten and we went on this field trip to a place where we rode tricycles around a mock city; there were street lines, traffic lights, bridges, tunnels, and underpasses. I think the purpose of the field trip was for us to learn about traffic rules and respecting each other on the road. Apparently, I ignored my mom every time I cycled past where the parents were hanging out - I remember being so damn happy because I felt so independent and free to move at my own speed, which might say something about what I'm like even today. I really wish I knew the name and location of this place. Maybe I will become unspeakably happy when I learn to drive and get to relive these feelings on a daily basis, but for now, this biking trail is the next best thing. The trail almost never integrates with the regular roads, making the journey a bit safer, and you get a pretty lovely view of the city. All the uphill roads make for a good workout too, especially when compounded with breathing in polluted air. There are a number of bike rental companies that cover similar routes. This specific route takes about two to three hours to complete.

11. The tramAlmost anywhere on Hong Kong Island | Under $2.50 per ride
It's excruciatingly slow (as my friend and I confirmed, with the speed filter on snapchat), but it's a nice change of pace if you're in the mood for that. A lot of my hangouts involve eating, and then walking about aimlessly in malls after (spontaneously going to someone's place for no specific reason is considered kind of unusual here). That's where the tram comes in; I've had many good conversations with people as the tram chugged along its tracks. If you can get seats (not too difficult during non-rush hours on weekdays), you can just stay there until you feel like getting off or until the tram reaches its end stop, whichever happens first. Chances are, its the former. Taking the tram from its most eastern (Shau Kei Wan) to western (Kennedy Town) end (or vice versa) is pretty chill journey that takes about two and a half hours. If you get a seat near the front of the upper deck, you can get some pretty sick "middle of the road and looking down" pictures (like the picture above - which again, must come with #hkig). It also costs (very little) pocket change.

12. The ground floor of Times SquareTimes Square | Causeway Bay | Free
My mom jokes that if she can't reach me, she'll go to Times Square to look for me because that's where many of my meet-ups begin, happen, or end at. In middle school, the clock tower was the default meeting spot for my friends and I. Since then, the default meeting spot for my friends from different circles has become "under the big TV". There is also always some major display related to a recent movie release in the open area on the ground floor. While I think it's silly that so many people frantically crowd around these displays to take pictures (and I silently judge them), the crowd is also part of what I consider so synonymous with Hong Kong, and no trip back would feel familiar without this sight. Side note: the food stall kind of halfway between Times Square and Aladin Mess (see above) makes pretty good siu mai.

13. BungalowGround floor, The Centrium, 60 Wyndham Street | Central | Cost varies
Upon looking Bungalow up for its address, I have just learned that it serves French cuisine during the day. Clearly, I'm referring to this place as its other form (mode? function?); a nightclub. The bouncers hand out drink vouchers pretty liberally, and I've had a number of good moments here in the past year. The music is pretty good, and I've never seen it so crowded that you lose your friends.

14. Big Wave Bay BeachThe middle of nowhere? | Shek O | Free (sort of)
Relatively clean and accessible (a $10 ride on the minibus from outside Shau Kei Wan MTR station), Big Wave Bay is a nice place. This is where I incurred the two major, skin-on-entire-body-peels sunburns that I've had so far, both in the summer of 2013. The showers and bathrooms are not horrendous, which is a plus. The combination of seawatered, salty, sandy skin, and the nearby (very informal) restaurant's food (in particular, their instant noodles with egg and sausage, or their snack platter with spicy pork neck), topped off with either a young coconut or a red bean ice, collectively forms the first image that comes to mind when I think of Hong Kong summers.

15. The Hong Kong StoryHong Kong Museum of History, 100 Chatham Road South | Tsim Sha Tsui | $10, free on Wednesdays
This permanent exhibit takes at least four or five hours to get through if you want to be serious and not just breeze through everything. I haven't retained much and I'm no expert on Hong Kong's history, but I fall in love all over again with the way the story is presented every time I go; the exhibits, recreations, and explanations are so detailed and thorough. I'm not much of a museum-goer in general (I don't really know how to appreciate art), but this is one exception. My mom bought us annual passes to the consortium of museums when I was younger and would constantly bring me to the Science Museum in hopes of making me more interested in science, but this is the best thing I got out of those passes.

So that concludes my list of 15! It definitely says something about me (unadventurous - no outlying islands, no hiking trails, and always eating) but it is what it is. I hope this was a mildly interesting read for you. If you're also from Hong Kong, hopefully you can relate to at least one of these things. Also, this is most likely my last post of 2015. So if you read this in time, happy new year!

Friday, December 25, 2015

Last year, I finished off a self-reflective post expressing hope that 2015 would turn out to be a good year for you and me. Was it? I think so. It's amazing how so much happens in one year; things dear to you in the present might not have been so a year ago, and vice versa. I hope I never get to the point where the passing of a year is unmomentous.

Another year has passed - many moments of laughter, tears, self-doubt, debauchery. Kind of like Pantone's Color(s) of the Year, I think that each of my years are defined by a few significant characteristics. My 2014 was marked by greater independence and effort (basically the tl;dr of last year's post - now you don't have to read it!) and I likewise have another set of key takeaways from this year.

For all the times that I alluded to/outright expressed a dislike for people on this blog, that sentiment no longer really applies to me. I shake my head at how much I have contradicted myself here, but I'll forgive myself and point out that this blog has spanned one-quarter of my being; I am now 33% older than I was when I started. Throw the terrible teen years and residual childhood trauma in there, and let's say I'm excused. Anyway, point being - I am a self-identified introvert, and I also happen to really love people. I feel like sometimes, society views these two at odds with each other. I get a lot of energy from myself, a lot of my growth comes from introspection, and I absolutely prefer small, one-on-one gatherings. I'm also constantly inspired and fascinated by individuals. I love that my way of thinking and the emotions that I feel are shaped by the people in my life. I think that I became a better friend this year when I realized how much people really matter to me. I don't cherish my friends just because of the emotional and mental stimulus they provide me with - as I realize my previous few sentences might have implied - but also because I get a lot of joy from getting to understand individuals better on a personal level and connecting with them. I am very fortunate to have met many people who have opened themselves up to me, and they are my treasures. #tbt to the five-year-old reading alone during recess who proudly told her teacher that she didn't need any friends. There is a certain vulnerability in acknowledging my dependency on others and knowing that my emotions can be affected greatly by my friends, but I think this also comes with joy that I trust and feel comfortable around many people. I'm not good at goodbyes (see also: lots and lots of tears), but I have accepted that this is a by-product of putting a lot into my relationships.

On a tangential note, I've come to realize that I'm pretty good at keeping in touch (and actually having deep conversations, instead of small talk) with people I don't get to see everyday. I think two factors contribute to this; firstly, my friends transcend groups and countries. My good friends are people that I connect well with on a personal level, and I've never really been the kind of person who has one big friend group that always hangs out together every time. Plus, I also happen to go to school half the world away from the place I grew up in. I feel that in order to keep any of these people in my life in a meaningful way, I had to become good at communicating from a distance. Secondly, this isn't hard for me because (as you might guess) words are my thing. I obviously don't know for a fact how other people think, but I'm realizing that words both in the spoken and written form make up a huge part of my connections with people - and this is less so the case for some others. To me, if I feel like I get to share everything I want to say in the present to someone virtually and I feel like the other person is doing the same to me, I'm satisfied and don't feel like I'm missing out on much as compared to if we were conducting the conversation in person.

Next, another point that might go against impressions of me here: this year, I decided that more than ever, I'm fairly happy about the person that I am. Though I don't think I owe anyone an explanation, I do wish to clarify that some of the posts that you see here are relative extremes. I'm usually more inspired to write when I'm not in the best mood. This post is not an example - I think that my posts here fall into one of two categories; "calm, reflective, and explanatory", and "much angst, very poetic". Writing posts in the latter category always make me feel better afterwards - but the post stays here. It's kind of like what my friend Amanda said about why you should limit the number of times you complain about your significant other to your friends - "If you and your boyfriend have a fight on Monday morning and you tell your friends about it, even if he makes dinner for you that night and apologizes and you make up, your friends only remember what you said and how you felt on Monday afternoon." For all the things that I have written, I'm actually a pretty happy person almost all the time. I've been through some weird, occasionally unhappy times growing up, but as I move further away from them as a function of time, they have become less of this insurmountable emotional burden and more of a series of events that might shape my perspective, but do not hinder my ability to trust, love, and press forward. I had a few emotional lows this year, but I think I handled them well and got a better appreciation of myself through this. I have many shortcomings and I hope that I don't become complacent in my desire to become a better person, but I like the direction that I'm going in. The future is scary, but I know that diligence, great supportive friends, and the ability to have an honest ongoing internal dialogue are things I have on my side.

In other less abstract thoughts, I can pinpoint a few standout things that happened to me this year.

I started off the year travelling to New Mexico to attend some Native American traditional celebrations for a class

I got into a relationship with someone I had to share a table with in the pizza place downtown because it was crowded; we met in the wee hours after Valentine's Day had ended

I went to Florida for spring break and got tan

I took a poetry class that I really enjoyed and produced a portfolio that I'm proud of (plus I became super close to a classmate and even lived with her the following semester)

I got out of said relationship

I worked as a student paralegal over the summer, learned to cook, and got extremely tan

I replaced another teacher at the school that I taught at in the summer of 2014 for the latter half of the 2015 program, and I felt like I achieved a sense of closure. After the 2014 program, I thought that there were things I could've done better, and I got to the chance to go back and be a better teacher.

I turned twenty and celebrated in a way that allowed me to see many people that I cared about; based (very) loosely off the idea of professors' office hours, I invited a bunch of people to drop by my room for cake and stay as long as they wanted within the late afternoon. It went way better than I was expecting it to; twenty-five people showed up, and many really cool conversations were had between various unusual combinations of people at different moments. I worried that it might be awkward because people might not know each other and there was no booze to boost social interactions but it all worked out. I had dinner with some very close friends after. My birthday was very shortly after the aforementioned breakup, and it was just really uplifting to be reminded that there was so much to be thankful about outside of my love life.

Speaking of friends - so, so, many good one-on-one conversations.

I realized that the fall semester of junior year was the toughest I had ever experienced, academically speaking. There were many times I really thought I couldn't do it, but I got through it! (At least, I think I have. Grades aren't out yet. Maybe this is a presumptuous statement.)

I'm back at home (what is home anyway?) right now, and writing this on Christmas Day. As an only child in a very small family (and a lot of the extended family lives in another country), big family celebrations don't necessarily happen on every holiday for me.

I'm excited about what lies ahead for me in 2016! I'm spending the next semester in Washington DC as part of this program where a group of kids from my college live together, take classes together, and work full-time at a political internship. I haven't decided if this adventure is something I want to write about on a brand-new blog (believe me, I already thought about ideas for a snazzy URL), or if I want to write about it here, or if it's better to not promise frequent public updates in the first place. (Remember the time I said I was going to read Slate's list of books from 2014 by the end of this year? Lol, #fail) I'm excited about the upcoming semester because I haven't gone to school in an urban area in a while. I haven't been to DC before. I haven't experienced the degree of "real life" (albeit still limited) that I will be undergoing then; working, commuting, making meals for myself, having to pay for internet/cable, having to budget more seriously than I ever have. I hope that I'll be able to keep up with my current friends while I'm not on campus, and make many new ones. I'm not sure what I'll be doing over the summer, but I have a couple of ideas and will be working on them in the next few weeks/months.

Like its predecessor, I end this post with expressed hopes that 2016 will be a good year for you and me. Or maybe...this is not quite how the post ends? Here are some songs that I associate with this year, and you can check them out if you want and realize what a basic bitch I am when it comes to music tastes:

Also - before I end this post for real, I would like to point out that as of a few weeks ago, this blog has (finally, after almost exactly five years) hit 100,000 page views. At an average rate of 20,000 per year, that's just over 50 views a day. Which is cool, I guess. Thanks, and happy holidays! :)