I dont know why I keep going back out there.....I was feeling good... thought I "got it" this time.... I do good when I keep myself real busy.. been working 60 plus hour weeks taking on projects at home.. going to meetings... doing commitments... then some much needed down time and three days into vacation and I'm drunk...

I've been on a 5 week binge .... ending this weekend with a fist fight at my 50th birthday party.. complete with police and handcuffs....

I've have been sober four days now..been putting it off for the past couple days but I know I have to get back to the meetings....When I first went to the meetings I didn't care what anyone thought.. now that I got to know these guys I'm a bit embarrased and ashamed really...I was at a point where I found myself giving insight and advice to newcomers and now I feel like a hypocrite....

Welcome back! It takes what it takes. Now you have more experience to share with others. Start over and be rigorously honest with yourself. You're supposed to feel bad about a relapse. You don't ever have to feel like that again, if you will follow a few simple rules. Those rules are useless if we don't put forth the effort to apply them to our lives. I understand how you feel. Those 18 months of sobriety you had are not just wist away, either. No one can take that away from you. There is no such thing as failure as long as we keep trying. Progress not perfection.

Hub

Last edited by Camel on Fri Jul 29, 2011 7:58 am, edited 1 time in total.

Stuff like that is what convinced me: that I was alcoholic. It didn't matter if I was hungry, angry, lonely, tired, or well rested, well fed, full, happy, and celebrating life -- I'm alcoholic -- my problem is alcohol-ism and not alcohol-wasm. My sobriety, and doing what I have to do to maintain it MUST be #1 in my life or I don't get to keep it.

I've heard it said, that: if you were doing the deal to stay sober, and it didn't work -- then, double up on what you were doing -- and see if that works. If it works -- that's good. If it doesn't work -- then, try something different.

Hi Bob
I'm glad you made it back. Maybe the answer to why you relaspe is contained in what you wrote in your post.
When I just came to AA, I too got busy doing things. I thought if I stayed busy at work, went to lots of meeting, hung out with other sober members and got active doing things for AA I would get sober. The one thing I didn't do was committ to working the AA program.
1. I was afraid of what others would think if they saw me praying ie Family members, co-workers and friends
2. I was so busy doing nothing things I didn't have time to spend working the steps in my affairs
3. I would hide out in meeting, expecting AA to rub off on me
4. When I talked at meeting I shared what I had heard others share (ie, I learned to be a parrot) instead of sharing how I had stayed sober these past days. I talked about the steps when I hadn't taken them
5. I gave advice instead of sharing my experience with others
6. And I told everyone how good I was doing instead of saying my ass was falling off.
I can do anything on will power for a period of time, bad news for me is I wear out. The only thing I know that is worst than active alcoholism is untreated alcoholism.

After being racked with pain I finally got with a man and started working on the only thing I could work on and that was me. I started reading the big book (started at the forward to the first addition), 2 pages a day, tried to understand what was being said and if a action was asked for I did it. Bryan was there to explain what the book said if I didn't understand or had a question. 90 days after I had started doing this I had completed the first 8 steps and was active in steps 9-12.
Today I still do the same things. Get up and aknowledge my God, read 2 pages out of the big book, talk to at least 2 other people to see if I can be of help, I call Bryan if I have a question. These past 22 years have been fun but the good news is life only gets better. I'm excited about being sober today

Hi Bobby. Welcome back! Some of us never make it back. I've even seen those who come back & pretend that they haven't been drinking. One man I know was actively drinking and actually picked up a one year chip! I wondered how he could live with himself.

Your post reminded me of something that happens to me once in a while. I get what I call "jaywalker mentality". It goes like this: "Gee, I wonder what would happen if I run out into traffic, jump out the 3rd story window, take a drink..." Now I know perfectly well what would happen if I did those things, but the thought still happens. I'm not sure why, but I am sure that when it does, it's a red flag that something is wrong with my spiritual condition. So I double my efforts to perfect and enlarge my spiritual life by work & self-sacrifice for others. There are so many ways to do this & I find new ones every day! It never fails to get me back on the (sun)beam.

Bobby get back in there and do the deal. Anyone who is working this program will welcome you back with love and respect and anyone who puts you down or looks down on you for drinking again are people you don't want in your life anyway. Recovery starts with the first step and sometimes it's the one just before the door to your group.

Thank you for sharing this Bobby...I'm so grateful that you are being honest with yourself about this, and that you are at least sharing here in this forum. What you heard here is all great....especially the part of people welcoming you back....but for the grace of God, there go I.

Glad you shared, cuz I feel like I'm going absolutely crazy here. Been sober a month now and you reminded me that drinking is not the answer today.

I just started the 4th step today because I know that I'm going to feel like this until I get thru these steps.

Of course, the ole intellectual idiot inside my head is telling me, oh those steps aren't going to solve your problems, blah blah blah. Well, I am so full of uniqueness that I can't see the forest thru the trees.

Why wouldn't they work for me? They have worked for everyone else who does them honestly.

I would be crazier if I wasn't going to meetings and talking to other people in AA. And it hasn't been easy doing that either. I love calling women (which goes against every fiber of my I can do it myself being) and them not call me back. Don't they KNOW I'm hurting? DON'T they CARE????? Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink.

It's GOT to get better cuz I feel like I'm at the bottom of the barrel emotionally right now.

Just so you know, I've been in and out of AA since '85. Had 9 years dry once, I was an frickin' worse nut case than I am now. Full of anger and rage. Boy that was fun.

I have honestly never worked thru all 12 steps. Last time I got about 8 months under my belt and my sponsor up and moved back to NY. Oh, that was the perfect opportunity for me to not go to meetings and guess what happened? Yeppers, I drank again.

But when I came back, people were VERY happy to see me and are glad I'm back.