Steve: Come on, bro. You're talking about a game with a green electricity-shooting mutant dude. What's so weird about an ape man?

Zack: Nothing at all. Why, ape men have been known to come from Africa for years. They don't produce Street Fighters or World Warriors, but they're smart enough to train to work in the fields, right Capcom and White Wolf?

Steve: He shocks people with electricity.

Zack: No, I'm shocked that a company with "White" in its name is writing KKK simulator games where you beat up African ape men for your cheap thrills.

Steve: It's not racist dude! You're being ridiculous.

Zack: Jackson looked out at the Pacific Ocean. He thought back to his extra bone in his leg and how he wasn't learned no readin' and writin'. Not too many ape men ran dojos in San Francisco, but he had adapted new moves from ancient voodoo shaman magics. He fondled the bone in his nose. He'd do anything to commit a brutal sex attack on an unsuspecting white lady.

Steve: I object to all this stuff. Put that in there! I do not agree with this stuff!

About This Column

Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.