AUTHOR INTERVIEW: SCOTT McCLANAHAN

SP: what is something that you do or think in public that makes you look around quickly to see if anyone is watching.

SM: I use the handicapped restroom at work. I tend to be paranoid about someone seeing me sneaking into the stall and judging me about it. This may have to do with my paranoid nature rather than any sort of societal views towards this behavior. I tend to err on the side of caution though. I mean sometimes you’re paranoid, and sometimes people really are trying to kill you (or report you to the supervisor at work for using the handicapped restroom).

SP: why did you write a book and why do you write at all. seems like people like moving pictures better.

SM: I really don’t feel any of this 21st century, post-modern, post structural angst about the nature of writing vs. film (it’s one of those MFA rich kid anxieties). It’s like the difference between lovemaking and oral sex. Writing is like lovemaking—it’s created by more than one. Cinema is something controlled by another.

Besides that, technological art forms disappear over the ages—oral, storytelling cultures remain. I mean do you have any films on BETA sitting around?

God, I’m being too serious with these questions. I need to get sillier with the next one.

SP: would you rather finish a fight with a sweet ass right hook or a sweet ass roundhouse kick. and why.

SM: Well, I guess the answer would depend on if I’m abusing my wife or if I’m abusing my kids. Typically when I abuse my wife, I have no problem unleashing a right hook because she can always cover it up with makeup or call in sick to work. However, when I abuse my children or challenge them to street fights when they get home from school, I usually tend to stick with roundhouse kicks to the sternum. This way the bruises are harder to find. Damn those pesky first grade teachers, sticking their noses into places they don’t belong.

SP: what is something that someone does or says that immediately makes you like him/her?

SM: I tend to stay away from liking people immediately. I tend to take the Woody Allen/Groucho Marx view of friendships--I don’t want to belong to any club that would have somebody like me as a member. These questions are kind of like the —Is the glass half full or half empty—kinda thing.

I think it depends on if you’re drinking or if you’re pouring.

I’m usually too worried about people liking me. And aren’t we all a little insecure at the end of the day?

SP: describe yourself taking a shower as if you are narrating a nature show.

SM: Krikey mate! No wait…I’ll narrate this in a more Sir Richard Attenborough voice…Observe the scottus mcclanahanus, a rare breed, with quite small ears. He showers often with his fellow mammal, The Saminitis Pinkis. Watch the pinkis rubbing his scruffy mo-hawk against the mcclanahanus’s hairy chest. Together they rock back and forth in a strange coupling of lather and kisses, washing and grooming one another in a ballet of pure animalistic instinct.

SP: why are people mean to other people?

SM: I’ll leave you with Iago’s final reply to a question of this nature—“You know what you know homey.” Actually he didn’t say homey—I just added that. However, I think motivations assigned to behavior are silly 20th century, Freudian inventions for attempting to understand the non-understandable. I broke a chair across my kitchen floor three weeks ago, and I have no idea why. I said to myself—“I wonder if I can break this chair?” And so it was.

SP: what is the best way to create a seemingly natural opportunity to do a push up in front of someone?

SM: How dare you ask this question Pink. You’re a real scumbag buddy. You really are. You know I don’t have any arms! I told you I don’t have any arms! But here you are yucking it up. Go ahead and laugh buddy—go ahead. Hah, hah. McClanahan doesn’t have any arms and I asked him a question about push-ups. You’re real clever.

SP: what is the biggest regret in your entire life? (mine is not toasting the bread i just used to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich)

SM: I’m not sure about that, but my biggest regret from the past five minutes is answering a question about physical violence by saying, “Well I guess my answer would depend on if I’m abusing my wife or kids.” Seriously folks, I don’t even have any kids, and my wife is tougher than I am.

However, I would like to take a moment to remind our readers that Scott McClanahan, Sam Pink, and Dogzplot magazine in no way condone child or spousal abuse in any form whatsoever. Arguments are best solved by sitting down and discussing emotions and feelings in a positive, non-violent manner.

I’m also kind of regretting the Saminitis Pinkis/Scottus McClanahanus shower answer. It’s best to keep these interviews on a purely professional level.