Sunday, June 22, 2014

Just So, Until It's Controlled

If I couldn't get it / have it / do it "just so" then it either didn't count or was not good enough.

This is pretty much what keeps me from making any real progress in my life.

Today I was fixing up my house and doing some decorating (because this is what I do to de-stress), and I was hanging curtains. The folds in the curtains were not "just so" and I kept trying to fix them. WHAT THE WHAT? Why does this matter? Who is even going to see these curtains or CARE? No one but me, but they need to be "just so" or I won't stop thinking about them. THE FOLDS IN THE CURTAINS. Come on! I had cancer. Why do I care about folds in curtains?

At work, I will critique a project over and over and over until the vendor gets it "just so". But, truth be told, the project would have been good enough several revisions ago.

This same problem is replicated in my nutrition and workout life. In January, I signed up for Precision Nutrition(PN) and I fizzled out because life got busy (I just typed busty, haha, that is so ironic) and I couldn't do it perfectly. I got so behind in the lessons and felt too overwhelmed with trying to catch up. I determined there was no way I would ever work the program "just so". So I quit following the program. I wasn't doing it perfectly, so it didn't count. I wasn't good enough.

I've heard people talk about the 80/20 rule and even the 60/40 rule (this one was mentioned at work, scary). Meaning, that you are "good" 80% of the time and the other 20% you get to slack off. You are still doing just a little bit better, so you make progress.

I have to tell you I hate percentages when it comes to measuring my success. Because I have laser focus on those numbers and if it is not considered an "A" or "B" - then I am not good enough. It is not "just so". I can't get a "C" or a "D" at life? This is absolutely not acceptable.

But guys, I'm fat. I am getting an "F" in that department (haha - F - get it? for fat?).

Failure is not an option

Is this a lightbulb moment? Why is getting an "F" in my body OK but I can't freaking leave the damn curtains alone? I need an "A" in curtains! Curtains are important!

I really don't know. Maybe because my body betrayed me. Maybe because I find comfort in food when things get shitty. Maybe because I think I'm not worthy. Maybe I'm building a wall so no one can hurt me. These are all theories I've discussed in various therapy sessions. There have been no epiphanies had. No ah-ha Oprah moments. It still remains the great mystery.

Oh my gosh guys. It's control. I can't control the damn curtains, but I can control my body. I've got my body under control. It's controlled in a negative direction, but it is controlled.

I can't control the curtains. So I work and work and work until I feel like I have control. I can't control the work project, so I demand and demand and demand until it is "just so" and I feel in control.

Wow. I wasn't expecting to come up with this theory. So now what do I do with this information?

Interestingly, one of my PN lessons was about focusing on the scale and making the scale move. You can't control the scale. But you can control your behaviors. If you focus on changing your behavior, which you can totally control, you may in fact change the number on the scale.

Can I change my desire to control my body to be in the positive direction? Can I aim to get a C or a D by trying? Absolutely. In fact, I know I can get an A. I've done it here and here and here.

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Stuff about me

When I'm excited, I like to add a "holy" to add effect. Hence the blog name. I originally used this blog to track my paleo pursuits and crossfit adventures as well as the many ups and downs of my efforts to get healthy. Then I used it to keep my friends and family posted on my cancer journey (diagnosed with Stage IIA Breast Cancer IDC, BRCA2, ER/PR+, HER2-). I got past that (and kicked cancer's ass), but my health and fitness suffered. I'd like to find the healthy Melinda again. Follow me on my journey?