Joke of the day

Every man needs a go-to joke.

Monday

Joke
N°
2764

What Do You Get
Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
A: Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you get lucky and find a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes. Henrik L.

Tuesday

Joke
N°
2765

Where Did He Go

Ben P.

Wednesday

Joke
N°
2766

I Wish
Two men are driving through London when they get pulled over by a traffic policeman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick.
The driver rolls down the window and whack, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The officer answers, "You're in London, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."
The officer does a check on the driver's license, and it's okay.
He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and whack, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The officer says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The officer says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that crap on me!'" Eric T.

Thursday

Joke
N°
2767

New Rules For EmploymentSickness and related leave: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Surgery: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Bereavement leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
Your own death: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
Restroom use: Too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with "B" will go from 8:10 to 8:20, and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
Paycheck guide: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:
Item Amount Gross = $1,222.02 Income tax = $244.40 State tax = $11.61 Interstate tax = $61.10 County tax = $6.11 City tax = $12.22 Rural tax = $4.44 Back tax = $1.11 Front tax = $1.16 Side tax = $1.61 Up tax = $1.08 Down tax = $1.14 Tic-Tacs = $1.98 = Thumbtacks $3.93 = Carpet tacks = $0.98 Stadium tax = $0.69 Flat tax = $8.32 Surtax = $2.23 Corporate tax = $2.60 Parking fee = $5.00 F.I.C.A. = $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund = $9.95 Life insurance = $5.85 Health insurance = $16.23 Dental insurance = $4.50 Mental insurance = $4.33 Disability = $2.50 Ability = $0.25 Liability = $3.41 Coffee = $6.85 Coffee cups = $66.51 Floor rental = $16.85 Chair rental = $0.32 Desk rental = $4.32 Union dues = $5.85 Union donuts = $3.77 Cash advance = $0.69 Cash retreats = $121.35 Overtime = $1.26 Under time = $54.83 Eastern time = $9.00 Central time = $8.00 Mountain time = $7.00 Pacific time = $6.00 Time Out = $12.21 Oxygen = $10.02 Water = $16.54 Heat = $51.42 Cool air = $26.83 Hot air = $20.00 Miscellaneous = $113.29 Various = $8.01
Net Take Home Pay = $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week,
The Management Jason D.

Friday

Joke
N°
2768

Phone Line
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear like a hotshot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.
Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"
"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines." Ricardo P.

Saturday

Joke
N°
2769

New Birth Control

Victor M.

Sunday

Joke
N°
2770

Viagra Housewife
This is the private diary of a Viagra housewife...
Day 1: Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4: A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his "problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things would be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 5: What absolute bliss!!!
Day 6: Life is wonderful, but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, I have to admit it's very nice -- I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9: No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with whiskey! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over...
Day 11: I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12: I wish he were gay. I've stopped wearing makeup, brushing my teeth or even washing, but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...
Day 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the jerk.
Day 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him hornier. Help me!
Day 15: I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go screw himself and he did.
Day 16: The jerk has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17: I switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Oh no! Here he comes again...
Day 18: He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss! Stephen I.