Family Blog—The Importance of Being An Ally to Your Transgender Child

Coming out as transgender (trans) can be a difficult process for transgender youth. It can be a difficult time for family, as well. Many families are not sure how they should react when they learn their child is transgender. Some react with anger, disappointment, sadness, or distrust. Some react with loving acceptance. What is the best way to respond to your trans child’s coming out? Recent studies show that an accepting and supportive family has long-term positive impacts on transgender youth’s health and well-being [1].

Some definitions: By “transgender” and “trans” we mean a person who feels their gender identity does not match the sex they were assigned at birth. To have a better understanding of gender-related terms, such as gender identity, check out our Being a Transgender Ally blog and Gender Identity Map.

Why is family support so important?

According to a recent study of transgender youth between ages 16 to 24, youth who reported having a very supportive family show these positive effects:

Better physical and mental health

Higher self-esteem and life satisfaction

More likely to find adequate housing

Lower rates of depression, suicide attempts, and risk of HIV and other STIs during adulthood [2].

This research has found no real difference in trans children’s health outcomes between families being somewhat supportive and those that are not supportive at all. This suggests that strong, genuine support is needed to have a positive effect on your child’s well-being.

What does it mean to be supportive to your transgender child?

Unconditional love: Accept and support their gender identity and sexual identity even when you feel uncomfortable. Coming out as transgender is difficult because most children have learned to feel that being transgender is weird or shameful from family, friends, or others [3].

Wanting the best for your child: It means really listening to your trans child and hearing what they say about who they are as a person, what they need, and what transition decisions would make them happy [3].

Protecting your child from harm: Tell your child that you would be there for them if they were mistreated because of their transgender identity by peers in school or people in the community. Advocate for your child instead of name-calling or blaming them if they face gender-identity related harassment [3,4].

What are some supportive responses after your transgender child comes out?

Be patient. Respect their disclosure and confidentiality decisions.

Create a welcoming environment at home and at family events.

Be willing to call your child by the name and pronouns they choose. Introduce your child’s name change to your friends and family.

Pronouns such as “they/them” might seem confusing at first, and you might you accidentally use the wrong pronoun. What is more important is that you put effort into learning it.

Seek transgender family support groups. Learn about transgender-related research.