Pretty. Stupid.

Danny McCarthy is a journalist focused on the intersection of pop culture and politics. His work has appeared in Westchester Magazine, Mediaplanet, The Odyssey Online and The BU Buzz. He is passionate about queer issues, personal essays and Ina Garten. He is currently pursuing a Master's in Journalism from the University of Southern California.

Makeover challenge!

Grade: A+

The makeover challenge is one of my absolute favorite weeks on RuPaul’s Drag Race. The competition has been pared down to real contenders; the twists are always interesting; and the pressure serves to turn some queens into diamonds and causes others to crack.

This year was no different, minus the aftershocks of last week’s surprise elimination. The one good thing that came out of Valentina’s elimination was that it shook up the competition. Looking at the queens, I truly felt—for the first time this season—that one misstep could cause a strong queen to go home. And while that causes me angina, it also makes for fantastic television.

The queens return back to the Werk Room after Valentina sashayed away, and the mood is…somber. Nina decides to lighten it by pulling out her stand-up routine. Just kidding; she says that she should’ve gone home. Yeah, no duh. The one thing the queens don’t want to hear is how you too agree that you should’ve gone home. We know. That call is coming from inside the house.

The queens decide to wash their hands clean of Nina and cheering her up, which, technically, she didn’t ask for in the first place, but when you’re moping around, it’s kind of implied. Ru comes out and tells the queens that this makeover challenge, they’ll be making over…THE CREW. The crú. Idk why, but as soon as I learned this, I was wildly happy. The entire universe of Drag Race has gotten so expansive that it was nice to peek behind the camera. It also blew my mind how they keep so much equipment constantly out of frame.

Sasha and Shea, per their joint-win, pair up the girls with the crew members. Trinity gets the hunky gorgeous Rizzo. Shea picks the tall, dark and handsome Josh for herself, and Sasha chooses head-in-charge Duncan. They pair the artistic Aaron with Nina, Alexis with Brady and Pep with Sarge. The pairings are frankly quite even-handed and make a good bit of sense.

The fascinating part of the crew getting made over is that these queens have actual relationships with them. Rizzo is the one to make sure that the queens stay on time. Duncan heads everything. Josh manages the camera along with Sarge. For the last (however many) few days, these queens have seen each other, Ru, and these crew members. So there’s a nice broken-in feeling to the relationships here, which allow for bonds like Trinity and Rizzo, and Sasha and Duncan to form immediately.

Nina decides to go for a bunny cosplay and, despite having never sewn before, make two outfits from scratch. Before the episode began and the challenge had just been stated, I truly believed that it was impossible for Nina to get eliminated. All season long, her makeover abilities have saved her time and time again. I for sure thought someone weaker like Pep or Alexis would be leaving. But Nina’s indecision about sewing, and her sloppy attempts at a Plan B, signal something dead in the water.

Trinity takes Hot Rizzo under her dainty wing and gets her in a pair of heels immediately, before letting Rizzo know that he’s gonna tuck his penis for the heavens. Rizzo is surprisingly game—thank god—and this really allows Trinity’s maternal side, more visible in “Untucked”, to shine through. Goddamit, I love Trinity so much. She reminds me so much of Bianca del Rio—bitchy on the outside but always willing to help out. But Trinity, no offense, is way more versatile than Bianca, and way more willing to go there.

The other star pair are Sasha and Duncan. For the first time, Sasha says, she’s not in her head and is really having fun. I think that stems from Duncan’s own mock-seriousness, which allows Sasha to be more goofy, but from their partnership and their runway, I knew they would be strong competitors.

RUNWAYS

Trinity & Glittafa Dayze: I was (very slightly) underwhelmed by this duo, only because I had such high expectations, but the tuck was tight and the choreography was right. Points for the name too.

Shea & Bae Couleé: Similarly to Coco in her makeover challenge, Shea looks GORGEOUS and Bae looks a little more…homemade. I believe Shea when she said that she was sorry if it came across that Bae was an afterthought, but the exposed bra strap and wonky wig were pretty damning evidence.

Alexis & Rye Anne Stardust: Literally unmemorable. Rye Anne is wearing the outfit that Alexis walked into the Werk Room Episode 1 in. I love the space theme, but they could’ve gone full-out with helmets and sexy moon boots, and they didn’t. Barbarell-ughh.

Nina & Ariana Bo’nina Brown: Such sloppy fucking work. Everything from the neck down was totally basic, and even Nina’s makeup was pretty bad. Yes, she made herself into a bunny, but a wax bunny that was left in the microwave.

Peppermint & Winter Green: I think if their outfits had been slightly more cohesive, like if the trim on one was the main fabric of the other—inverse-style—it would’ve been much cuter. But Pep is so charming, and so lovely when she smiles deep-dimpled, that I was sold.

While it was tight, and I totally thought Sasha was going to win, Trinity clinches the victory, marking it her third win and putting her tied with Shea. Sasha and Pep are safe, so it’s Alexis, Shea and Nina in the bottom three.

This is where we see the real effect of Valentina’s elimination. I had no idea who would be in the bottom two because after V, everything is up in the air. Truly, I think it should’ve been Alexis in the bottom two, but Ru likes to play mindgames with the stronger competitors, and I believe that she put Shea in the bottom to send Nina home expressly. I think Ru tried to do the same thing last week with Valentina, but we all saw how that turned out.

Nina essentially goes one rung above a Charlie Hides and gives a lackluster lip sync to “Cool for the Summer” by Demi Lovato. Shea’s energy wasn’t what I thought it would be, but maybe in a less restrictive dress and a better song she would shine more.

In the end, Nina goes home. Ru calls her “Nina Bo’nina Andre Charles” and says that she’s part of her family now. Ru probably gave Nina so many chances because she saw herself in Nina: a young, subversive black queen who was doing something different to everyone else. I just hope Nina can see that someday.

I’m sad to see a talented queen get sabotaged by herself. It’s no fun; at least when other queens are the saboteurs (a la Phi Phi), you have someone to be mad at. But with Nina, you’re left just feeling sad. I’m sad that she thought she failed as a voice for African-American queens who want to do different styles of drag. I don’t think she failed. I think she left well for someone dealing with her own internal battle.

The top five remains, and after what seems like an interminable season, the end is surprisingly close. My pick is for Alexis to be the next one to go home, but with the challenge being “Gayest Ball Ever,” it could be up in the air again.

The game has officially changed.

Grade: A++

This is the kind of moment that we live for as viewers of RuPaul’s Drag Race. This is Tatianna getting eliminated when it should’ve been Roxxxy. This is Sharon and Phi Phi screaming at each other. This was RuPaul revealing that the All Stars would be eliminating each other. This is truly, jaw-droppingly gag-worthy. This is RuPaul’s Drag Race.

We seem to be miles past last week’s elimination of Farrah Moan because the remaining seven queens—Sasha, Shea, Trinity, Valentina, Nina, Alexis and Peppermint—are all viable contenders for the final three. All have won challenges; and ~almost~ all have had missteps. At this point, it’s down to a random stumbling block that’ll knock a bitch out of her momentum.

This week’s challenge is to pair up and create, write and produce television sitcoms. Acting challenges have been a recurring thing this season—the musical, 9021-Ho, the roast—but this strikes less at the queen’s acting chops and more at their overall creativity and scrappiness.

Shea and Sasha pair up for “Teets and Asky”, an ‘80s buddy-comedy about two lady-cops. Shea is serving a very Rosie Carver/What Honey Mahogany Wishes She Looked Like look and Sasha is pulling out her Russian roots for the accompanying Bond Villain to Shea’s Bond Girl. Like SNL’s “Dyke and Fats,” this pilot totally works. They were definitely the most prepared.

Nina and Valentina are “Nina and Tina,” two cross-dressing prostitutes who land in jail and use drag to get back on their feet (?). I don’t know why I’m expected to know the plot when Valentina and Nina didn’t know the plot. In the immortal words of Sasha Belle, “I didn’t understand the assignment.” V and Nina were relying on their charisma to pull it off, and only planned on ad-libbing. When has that ever gone well?

Trinity, Peppermint and Alexis Michelle were the trio that produced, “Mary, Mother of Gays” about two well-to-do church ladies whose sons come out as gay, and the stern nun who attemps to fix the (anal) fissures. Points for creativity and production, but largely lackluster performances in a thin plot.

The runway is Club Kid Couture, which also serves as our History Lesson/Mirror Talk. Club kids (your Vivacious from Season 6) weren’t attempting to impersonate women as much as they were trying to engage in a dialogue about what art is.

RUNWAYS

Sasha: Sad Sexy Clown. Ironically enough, moments before Nina hit the stage and declared she was the first queen to walk backwards on the runway, Sasha did it. Eeks. A great look but, honestly, I was expecting more from Sasha. For our resident art queen, I thought she would take this opportunity and run with it.

Shea: Literally hot-glued shit to a mask while it was on her face, so I can only applaud.

Trinity: Trix are for (Club) kids, and Trinity looked like that Trix Rabbit fucked the Froot Loops toucan. Not the most Club-Kiddy look (not that I’m an expert) but my personal favorite because it was so out of the box. Trinity is restoring the name, and the astigmatism, of pageant queens everywhere with her versatility.

Nina: The epicness of her face makeup was undercut by everything else. If she didn’t have the chance to paint on a massive rib network, I would’ve rather she left it blank.

Peppermint: The most thought-out and conceptual of all the looks. Total artistry.

Sasha and Shea win the challenge, and Trinity and Peppermint are declared safe (but not until after Alexis tries to throw her teammates under the bus. Even if she was right about the level of effort she put into the production—which she wasn’t—impacting her performance, being a traitor does nothing for your image. I hope Alexis stays a little longer for the drama but she’s not doing herself any favors). Alexis, Nina and Valentina are in the bottom three, with Alexis eventually being declared safe.

Right to this moment, I felt that it was completely undeserved that Alexis would be safe—as Valentina has consistently outperformed both Alexis and Nina—but a small part of me relished the opportunity, basically handed to her, for Valentina to prove that she had the fire to stay in the competition. She started out strong but quickly moved to the middle-of-the-pack, and I really thought that Ru was giving her a chance to scorch the earth.

That’s not what happened.

Ariana Grande’s “Greedy” begins playing and Nina starts lip-syncing. Valentina keeps her mask on and the judges begin whispering amongst themselves. It’s a lip-sync, so seeing one’s lips is kind of the whole point. Eventually RuPaul stops the lip-sync and scolds Valentina for not taking off the mask.

“Take off the mask,” she says and Valentina meekly refuses. Ru literally cracks and says it again. With her hooked nails, Valentina drags off the mask to reveal an uncontoured nose and a sloppy red lip. She had the mask on, it becomes clear as the music starts again, because she did not know the words.

And this is where Aja’s “Linda Evangelista” rant comes into a ring of truth. Aja was trying to tell us that Valentina was coasting on good looks, good outfits and charisma. We were too blinded by Valentina’s dazzling smile to believe it. But for someone to go out there, knowing that there is a good chance she’s in the bottom three, without having memorized the words is unforgivable. Valentina fell to the middle of the pack because beneath the glamour and glitz, she’s still unpolished. She is still a baby drag queen.

So I was mad as Valentina essentially threw away the chance Ru had given her to impress Ru and keep her spot. She didn’t know the words. She hadn’t prepared for the main challenge. She was expecting to get by. And in the final seven, you don’t get to just “get by.”

So Nina stays and Ru looks at Valentina. “I thought you had the stuff to go all the way. Now sashay away.” We all had Valentina as an easy pick for the top three, so it’s disappointing to see her go. But I can’t help but feel frustrated that she wasn’t more prepared. See you on All Stars 3, Valentina.

The game has been changed, irreparably, for the rest of the season. One of the strongest players has been unceremoniously eliminated, and that kind of shock reverberates and shakes up power dynamics. With one of the top three spots suddenly open, who will rise to the occasion, and who will crumble?

The Roast of Michelle Visage

On the second-ever RuPaul’s Roast, RuPaul has turned the script and the queens will be roasting Michelle Visage to a crispy 410 degrees over a slow-turner. Beautiful.

No, but seriously the queens this week are tasked with roasting the biggest drag queen of them all, Biological Woman Michelle Visage. And it goes…interestingly.

First, the queens gather for a day at the Library because Reading Is What! Fundamental! I’m writing this a few days because I didn’t care that much—this is almost better because I’m left with the emotions and not just the plot.

Before the queens read each other, it’s set up that Peppermint and Farrah are the only ones to have not won a challenge—something Pep realizes means that either she needs to win one or get eliminated. Farrah has no idea what day it is or where she is.

Sasha, Valentina and Peppermint are all very funny—Valentina’s “I lied, you ugly stripper” had me laughing so loud. Farrah, Alexis and Nina were…like whatever. At the end, Valentina is declared the winner and Alexis gets offended that the other queens made fun of her weight. And for someone who made a joke insinuating that Farrah was a prostitute, it feels a little rich.

These are television-adept queens, so they know how the episodes play out. Alexis tries to turn her thin skin into martyrdom in front of Ru and Ross Mathews during the walk-through, but Ru rightly points out that Alexis read all the other queens, so why did she think she would be untouchable? Alexis has no answer, because there is no answer.

Sasha is having trouble balancing her own intellectualism with the challenge at hand, and Farrah is just having trouble. And while Ross offers advice to both of them, including an exact formula for how to tell jokes for Farrah, only Sasha heeded the advice and ended up doing better for it.

The emotional Mirror Talk is about anti-queer sentiment in Russia—where Peppermint had a scary encounter at the airport, and Sasha had to go back into the closet while studying in Moscow. On a RPDR recap show, they complained about the fakeness of the Mirror Moments, but I actually enjoy them. What can I say? I like routines.

On the main stage, Ru welcomes guest judges Fortune Feimster (comedian) and Tamar Braxton (who has been on the show a couple times, and each time with a new, prettier face). Ru then drops the bomb that the queens will be roasting not RuPaul, but Michelle. For having it sprung on you that you’re about to be the subject of mean jokes, Michelle handles it pretty well. But then again, Michelle is used to having things sprung on her. (ROAST).

Shea opens the show in a killer blonde bob. She’s funny but not gut-blasting, which is fine because she had the hardest job of all—walking into a cold room. Sasha follows and after a rocky start, begins laying into a “Michelle Visage is so Jersey” formula that she slays with. it goes on a little long, but Sasha acknowledges that and continues to beat a dead horse. After that is Valentina, playing a chola-esque caricature. It was funny but not overly hilarious—I like how fucking weird Valentina is.

After that is Trinity, who does a country version of Valentina’s that is much less successful. It was more mean than funny, but not entirely unfunny. After Trinity is Farrah, who is so actually mean I was physically uncomfortable. After two failures, Peppermint comes in and kills. She makes a hilarious Michelle Williams riding coattails joke that was just enough. Nina comes after Pep in a weird old-lady bit. They all clearly took a page out of Coco Montrese’s book, a pageant queen who won the roast challenge with an over-the-top character. But it becomes steadily less funny the more people do characters.

So by the time you get to Alexis, WHO ASKED TO CLOSE THE SHOW, I was done. She had painted herself green and was wearing a Star of David necklace (Is Michelle Jewish?) and was just saying weird, passive mean jokes. It completely tanked and she was dressed down by the judges for it.

In the end, Peppermint won the challenge, but was tightly followed by Sasha and Shea—I personally think Sasha could’ve taken the win. And in the bottom two is Farrah versus Alexis to Dolly Parton.

In the end, Farrah is sent home. It’s been nice knowing her, but we all know that if not for Eureka’s surprise medical emergency, Farrah would’ve been gone many episodes earlier. She was beautiful and she was grace, but she was not Miss United States.

This recap was literally so boring idk. I’m cooking broccoli right now, so I have other things on my mind.

BYE!!!!! Next week is “My Pilot’s On Fire” where the queens create TV pilots. Wow. Why.

“No wonder I’m addicted to speed! Well, I’m addicted to speed too!”

This has been the most fun I’ve had watching an episode this season. I loved the challenge (an acting challenge twist on 90210 and possibly my FAVORITE runway yet—Big Hair). This season has been a little off for me, despite really enjoying the individual queens, but this episode felt very Season 5 to me—great acting, great fashion and some good drama.

This week, the queens are tasked with an acting challenge—a drag version of 90210 directed by Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling. Everything about this was perfect. The writing was campy but not syrupy. The guest judges felt extremely invested in their roles as directors. The actual end product was funny. The runway was stunning.

There’s not really a ton of drama leading up to the performance. Aja is pissy that she didn’t get the role she wanted (even though she was like, “I’m fine with whatever”) and HANDED Shea a golden opportunity—Shea offered to switch roles, thus taking both a larger part and getting the “going outside of her comfort zone” edit. I think it was genuine on Shea’s part but it was also very strategic. Alexis keeps bumbling around, showing off her masturbatory 90210 knowledge. I shouldn’t be annoyed because she means no harm, and I’m sure the edit is largely to blame, but girl, shut the fuck up.

In the practice, Nina is talking too fast and going too one-note with her lines, but refuses to take the critiques of Jennie and Tori. This is what I don’t understand—if the judge, or Ru or Michelle, give you a critique, it’s for a reason. Don’t argue back with them. But Nina does, and keeps arguing. I’m getting tired of her attitude, and at this point, not even her great runway looks can soften her in my eyes. She’s mean—all the queens are rooting for her, the judges are rooting for her, she’s talented, she’s Linda Evangelista. If, even with all those things in her favor, she can’t shake her bad attitude, then I’m done with her.

Snatch Game serves as the midway point of the season, and after that point all the queens are technically all contenders. If you had asked me last week, I would’ve said Farrah was a filler queen, but her performance in the challenge and her runway made me re-think it. She was so funny with Valentina and so funny against Trinity (but has the misfortune of being paired with someone stronger; like Trixie and Ginger). Valentina was perfection as Monna Dartin; she had the look down, she amped up the camp, and she hit every note. I thought she was going to unhinge her jaw and swallow that nip of whiskey.

Trinity was, obviously, incredible. She was manic and desperate and blonde—with that frosty unlined lip, she could’ve easily been a Real Housewife of Orange County. And if that sounds like a read, it’s not—there is no higher praise coming from me. Trinity went from being a bitchy pageant girl (a la Roxxxy Andrews) to someone with genuine chops. She’s like if Chi Chi Devayne had turned a corner a little earlier. I LOVE IT.

Runway:

Aja: Liked her all-black Queen of Harts get-up, but her performance was completely one-note. And to think that she wanted that role.

Alexis Michelle: I hate Alexis Michelle. I’m glad she’s, like, doing well but she’s annoying. I liked how she interpreted the runway differently, but if you’re gonna do a hair gown—DO A HAIR GOWN.

Farrah Moan: Did exceptionally (and suspiciously) well in the challenge until I realized she was playing a blonde, vapid cult-victim pretty girl. Aka she was just playing herself. Loved her Priscilla Presley lewk.

Nina Bo’nina Brown: Slyly funny with her Charmed joke and she’s never bad on the runway.

Peppermint: Solidly fine in the challenge and pretty on the runway, but that’s a very similar silhouette to past queens (particularly Kennedy Davenport). T-god she’s not wearing pink though.

Sasha Velour: Acting might not be Sasha’s strong suit because she could’ve gone way harder in the challenge. Loved the runway and how she stood out from the crowd.

Shea Coulee: SO FUNNY in the challenge and possibly my favorite look of hers yet. She looks so good in pinks.

Trinity Taylor: Scene-fucking-stealer. Trinity is definitely one of the strongest competitors and totally earned her win, even with a look that wasn’t particularly noteworthy.

Valentina: Gives 110% at every challenge, and it shows. She was beautiful and funny and weird as Monna Dartin, and her runway look was my favorite of the week. She was serving koi fish

On the main stage, I felt for sure that Ru was going to name this a three-way tie between V, Shea and Trinity. They all had fully-realized and lived-in characters, and their runways were perfection. But I think because they all shined, Ru had to make small distinctions. Valentina and Shea both had pretty large parts, but Trinity didn’t and ended up being a total scene-stealer. For that, I think her win was well-deserved. And even though I didn’t like her runway, she’s so confident and sexy that I was like “Wait, maybe I do? Do I? Who am I?”

In the bottom three is Sasha, Nina and Aja. Sasha was clearly not going to lip-sync because while her performance was subdued, her runway was a favorite of the judges. So it’s down to Nina versus Aja. I knew before it ended that Nina wouldn’t be going home, but you have to hope that this might shake loose her bad attitude.

I was genuinely sad to see Aja go. She was cute and goofy and funny, but she was always just glad to be safe and happy to be there. To be America’s Next Drag Superstar, you need to be frothing at the mouth to win. Trinity and Shea definitely are. So we said goodbye to Aja.

Your Edges Are Officially Snatched (Game)

Grade: A

If you’re not watching Untucked on YouTube, then I don’t know what you’re doing. Because for some reason, the charisma and funniness of these queens aren’t translating in the editing of the main show in the same way that they do on Untucked. On Untucked, they’re being shady and fierce and kind, sometimes in the same breath, whereas on Drag Race, they feel a little watered down. Part of that is that Untucked encompasses probably an hour or two, whereas Drag Race has to squeeze several days into forty minutes.

And I truly believe that if I wasn’t watching Untucked, I would be 2.5x more bored with this season. Especially with the departure of Eureka, there aren’t any HUGE laughs or rivalries—there’s no Sharon versus Phi Phi, or Bianca, or Alyssa Edwards—but that’s part of the point of each new season. It’s a round of new girls, and a new flavor. So while we don’t have any of those queens, we have our Eurekas, our Sheas, our Trinitys.

Snatch Game, the gay drag version of Match Game, is historically a “sink or swim” moment for the queens. Being able to come up with jokes whilst staying in character (chaRUcter) as someone else is not something that every queen excels at, and rightly so. Snatch Game serves as the turning point of Drag Race by trimming the fat of filler-type queens. Usually Snatch Game is your time to A) solidify your place as a frontRUnner, B) be your burning effigy, or C) differentiate yourself as a contender if you’ve previously been floating. But in this case, I felt like it didn’t have any of the latter, and served mainly as reinforcement (RUinforcement) for my previous assumptions. Case in point, halfway through the episode I literally forgot that Aja was competing.

In Snatch Game:

Aja as Alyssa Edwards: I don’t know why you would use a queen whom another queen had done two seasons previously, and done much better. The camera hardly cut to her.

Alexis Michelle as Liza Minelli: Liza is such a crazy character, but Alexis sought to emulate her kindly rather than maliciously. Paid off handsomely.

Farrah Moan as Gigi Gorgeous: The look was there 100 percent. But Gigi is such a subtle, understated kind of humor, and not immediately recognizable, that the entire thing fell flat. Her runway definitely saved her from lip-syncing.

Nina Bo’nina Brown as Jasmine Masters: Funny but I thought there would be more. The camera didn’t cut to her, she never said, “I’m H-E-R-E!” or “No tea no shade, no pink lemonade” or “Panties, bitch”. And those are just the catchphrases I can think of off the top of my head. NO “RUPAUL HAD DONE FUCKED UP DRAG!”

Peppermint as Nene Leakes: Nene Leakes is, no exaggeration, probably the funniest Housewife in the franchise, so I had no sympathy when the only catchphrase that Pep had was “Boop”. Where was the “Bye wig” or her fantastically elastic face, or anything!!

Sasha Velour as Marlene Dietrich: The only time that Ru has ever asked what a queen’s backup option was, heard the backup and said, “Um, yeah stick to your first choice.” The look was right, and the humor was subtle, but great. Reminded me in a way of Katya’s Suze Orman, weirdly enough.

Shea Coulee as Naomi Campbell: The look was t-h-e-r-e but I wish they had given her even more screentime.

Trinity Taylor as Amanda Lepore: Didn’t get a ton of speaking time, but the look was so accurate I was aroused and afraid. Aka it was perfect.

Valentina as Miss Colombia: Such a deep cut, but perfectly suited for Valentina’s manic energy. You kind of get the sense that if V doesn’t win, she might pull a Miss Colombia.

Cynthia Lee Fontaine as Sofia Vergara: Part of the problem is that Cynthia can’t impersonate anybody. That’s kind of the point. But the other part of the problem is that Sofia Vergara is so close to who Cynthia actually is that there was nothing she could’ve ever done to make it work.

I think it’s kind of dumb to be mad at someone for accidentally copying another person’s look when you’re dealing with such a narrow scope—like Madonna—but after Kimonogate, you have to wonder why no one packed backups. It also didn’t escape me—a point confirmed in Untucked—that the better-looking individuals in each outfit double were declared safe. Shea and Trinity were Kardashians 2017 to Peppermint and Nina’s Kardashians 2007. Too mean. I’m sorry; that was a low blow. But re Trinity for a moment: I had my solid top 3 as Sasha, Shea and Valentina, (especially now that Eureka’s gone) but Trinity is really making me reconsider. Every episode, she makes me like her more and more, and now I’m conflicted!!

In the end, Alexis wins the challenge—thank god, or she might’ve murdered her competitors—but I can’t shake her attitude from last week’s Untucked where she blamed the other girls for her losing out on winning. This is a competition, sweaty pie. But her Liza was great and her Madonna look was stunning, so it’s a well-deserved win. I thought they would have crowned Sasha as this week’s winner too, but while her runway was GORGEOUS, her Marlene wasn’t funny enough (a shade too droll) to really compete with Alexis. Whatever, she won in my heart.

And in the bottom three, it’s Peppermint, Cynthia and Farrah. Farrah is declared safe and it’s Pep versus the Cucu. By this point, it’s clear that Cynthia is going home. It’s her second week doing the lip-sync, and several weeks in the bottom. But with the loss of Eureka burning in my brain, it’s still hard to let go of the Cucu. Love you Cucu!

Source: LogoTV // I almost didn’t pick this because the shadows on her face; but half of that is her own contour, so whatever #shade

Beautiful as a goddess and funny as a clown!

FINAL THOTS/STRAY OBSERGAYTIONS

Did anyone notice Ru’s weird fucking laugh when she declared Nina safe? It was like she had Botoxed the living fuck out of her upper lip. I’m not mad at it.

Apparently that fugly pink skirt Pep wore last week was borrowed from Alexis. The shade.

Some tea: Mathu Andersen was Ru’s MUA and apparently he quit at the beginning of Season 9, and that’s the reason Ru’s looks have been a little more unpolished. I didn’t notice until someone else pointed it out.

Kardashiummm

Grade: B

From top-to-bottom, this episode felt very…messy. It wasn’t bad, (thus the B-grade) but it wasn’t stunning—it was just messy. The drama felt forced and messy, as opposed to last week’s Eureka vs. Trinity or Aja vs. Valentina. This episode was classicly RPDR-produced, where at the top of the episode, you set up someone’s desire to win a challenge and someone hating on someone else, all to the sound of the Rococo rattleshade before the intro.

The queen wanting to win is Alexis Michelle, who immediately wins the mini-challenge—a selfie-stick photoshoot with the Pit Crew (Where is Bryce?)—and gets to give out parts in this week’s maxi-challenge: Kardashian, The Musical.

The queen hating on someone else is Nina Bo’nina Brown who is given the role of Khloe Kardashian by Alexis. Nina wanted Blac Chyna—the role of which was given to Shea—and calls sabotage. Sabotage? Khloe is literally the meatiest—no pun intended—of all the Kardashian sisters. If Nina were smart, she would’ve recognized that. But no, she wanted Chyna and proceeded to throw a low-grade hissy fit for the next forty minutes.

Part of the reason this episode was so boring is because the Kardashians are boring. They’re interesting enough for you to watch the real-life versions, but that charm does not translate to imitation. So even though some of the queens—Alexis, Shea, the celeb trio of Peppermint, Sasha and Trinity—did really well, even their “really well” was pretty boring.

The Tops:

Alexis shines as Kris Jenner, right down to the ugly mule wedge-heel. Trinity made me laugh as Paris Hilton, because she’s perfectly heroin-chic-thin and that fugly blonde wig was so Paris mid-2000s. Sasha was cute, but relatively unmemorable as Lindsay Lohan, but still definitely one of the better ones. And Peppermint was really great as Britney, even though her nude bodysuit was giving me horror-flashbacks to the Nude Illusion challenge on Season 7.

Shea was fantastic as Blac Chyna. Her part was arguably the smallest—time-wise—but it remained the center of the entire performance. Her look was right—even though she’s long and lean and leonine, unlike Chyna who is very short and curvy—down to the cheek piercings. But what really made her pop were her dance moves. I literally had no idea she was that good. Shea is so talented I’m gonna die, I love her.

The Bottoms:

Farrah and Valentina were as boring and lifeless as Kylie and Kendall as…well, I guess, Kendall and Kylie. Farrah was serving solidly 2015-Kylie, dark lip and turquoise wig, and V was just serving herself. The difficult part of Kendall is that, as a model, she’s built to melt into the vision of whatever designer she’s walking for. That means that she herself isn’t too memorable. Kylie, on the other hand, is ultra-memorable and Farrah completely misses the mark.

Annoyingly, Nina Bo’nina Bummer was solidly fine as Khloe. On one hand, I was really taken with her in the beginning, but her negativity really made me root for her failure. I’m a dick. Whatever.

The runway—Faux Fur—was split pretty evenly between the Have and the Have-Nots of Style. Shea was serving a very bubbly monster-pink look, similar to her walk-in look; Valentina was curvy and resplendent in snakeskin and a fur stole; Sasha was giving us weird girl-boy Russian couture; Eureka was the Mother Monster to Shea’s look.

But as good as the Goods were, the Bads were even worse. Peppermint consistently misses the mark on fashion; Alexis was totally boring; Farrah served bright red hair with bright green fur. I think I would’ve liked Farrah’s more had it not been such a bright red hair—if it were blonde, it would’ve looked a lot less clownish.

Santy-Alley Fontaine and Farrah are in the bottom two for their lackluster Kim and Kylie, respectively. After a lip-sync to guest judge—eye roll—Meghan Trainer’s song, “Whatever, not gonna bother looking it up”, RuPaul seems poised to, in all honesty, send them both home when…out of nowhere…a PA comes to the bottom of the desk.

And for the first time in herstory, Ru Rucuses herself from the judge’s table. And when she returns, she calls out…a new name.

“Eureka!”

Yes, the Elephant Queen, who had been on crutches the entire episode from her knee-thing in Episode One, has a torn ACL and requires emergency surgery. My mouth was literally agape because Eureka was my absolute, besides Shea and Sasha and V, favorite queen on the season. She was dynamic and personable and beautiful and polished. And the fact that she had to go home without losing—without being in the bottom—and with no fault of her own, is heartbreaking.

Ru extends an invitation to compete on Season 10, which Eureka will hopefully accept. And I just have one thing to say—I can’t believe we already know who will win Season 10! I’m not even joking, I believe in her that much.

Also, I finally understand her farewell phrase, “You Found It!” Because “eureka!” in Greek means, “I’ve found it!”

FINAL THOTS:

No one else on this season better do a “jungle-themed” look, because after Kimora and Trinity, I’ve had…what? It!

Next week’s runway is “Night of A Thousand Madonnas” which is a challenge from last year where half the queens wore runways and Raja’s eyes burst a blood vessel.

Morning Wood and Morning Wooden

Grade: B+

I think (no spoilers) the final lip-sync really soured me from what, before then, had been a really enjoyable episode. It’s stunning that NINE SEASONS IN, RuPaul is still creating interesting and original challenges for her queens. But really, why am I gagging so? She brings it to me every ball.

On this episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race, the queens are tasked with manning (pardon the pun) two rival morning talk shows. Aja, who won her LSFYL against Kimora, is named captain alongside Trinity, who won last week’s challenge.

I really had a come-to-Jesus moment about Aja this episode. Previously her “Linda Evangelista” rant to Valentina made me really hostile towards her, and up until halfway through the episode, her negative attitude towards V continued. But she did finally apologize when Valentina (nicely) confronted her about it point-blank. And this is where I think something mature and adult shifted in tone. Firstly, that Valentina wasn’t snide or rude or condescending and simply said, “You’ve made a really bad first impression with me” and asked Aja to explain. And Aja (LIKE AN ADULT) said it came from a place of jealousy and internal insecurity and that she really liked Valentina actually.

Part of the reason why this was such a shift in my own feeling towards Aja was because I am literally the same way. I internalize a lot of emotion, but then it seeps out into my attitude. I can be catty, or rude, or standoffish, or blunt or mean, but it really generally comes from a place of insecurity or jealousy. And something I’ve been trying to do is name those emotions when they come up. Like, yeah I was rude to your boyfriend but that’s because I’m jealous of the relationship that I don’t have. Just being honest goes such a long way and is such a welcome relief and alternative to keeping all that bad mojo inside.

The fact that she was able to voice that—her issue with Val had actually nothing to do with Val—was such a nice moment. And during Untucked, you saw the payoff where Valentina and Aja were sitting next to each other and chatting. Also their Naughty Nighties looks were my absolute favorites.

On the other hand, Eureka (who is clearly as insecure as Aja was, or at least having a very bad day) did the opposite. Instead of naming her emotions, she lashed out at Trinity in the group meetings, was rude to Valentina when Valentina tried to share with the girls a personal story, and threw Trinity under the bus on the main stage. I think she was a little unfair to Trinity (who I am really enjoying and really loving); being team leader means making tough choices and Trinity at least had the spine to own up to any bad mistakes she had made.

I really, really, really like Eureka. I find her compelling and hilarious, and her looks are stunning—but this was an ugly moment for her. I hope she can find a way to make things right.

SPOILER ALERT SPOILER ALERT

Sasha and Shea win the challenge for their broccoli orgy. And in the bottom three, it’s Peppermint, Trinity and Charlie—with Charlie and Trinity lip-syncing. Trinity for being captain of a sinking ship and Charlie for being the one to rupture holes in that ship. Frustratingly, Charlie basically refuses to lip-sync and stands in one spot (she doesn’t even do the Naysha Lopez “Directing Traffic” move) while Trinity somersaults, catapults, twists and slams her body around the stage. She was werking that breast plate (Kimora take notes, that’s how you do a breast plate) and it was even more stark in comparison to Charlie.

So obviously, the world’s oldest living twink was sent to sashay away. I’ll miss her lilting voice, her stunning looks (she was so tall and slim and column-like). I’ll be sad that she didn’t make it to Snatch Game but I’m happy with the time we had together. Charlie Hides and Go Chic, is what I’ll call her from now on.

END OF SPOILERS

Overall, even with the wonky lip-sync, this episode proved to me that even nine seasons in, Drag Race is not slowing down. It’s still turning out original challenges, providing good drama and most importantly preserving queer history. Charlie talking about the AIDS crisis was beautiful and moving and proved why this show is valuable. A lot of us were never taught queer history in school (I would say most of us). So we learn about our past from the older people in our community, and without them we would be nothing.

My least favorite look was (shockingly) not Peppermint’s but actually Nina’s. I think if it had been any other runway, I would’ve enjoyed it more but it was just so far past everyone else’s that it felt bizarre to me. And there was something about the way her corset flattened the tops of her hip pads to make them very angular that was a no from me.

Thank god Kimora left already—she would’ve been awful in this challenge

Also on Watch What Happens Live: After Show, RuPaul said it takes her six hours to get into drag.