Just Imagine Hologram Jesus Telling Paul Ryan and Pat Robertson Off

05.24.14 9:45 AM ET

Watching Michael Jackson’s life-size hologram dazzle the crowd at Sunday’s Billboard Music Awards with his singing and dancing made me wonder something: If a hologram of Jesus appeared in front of conservatives, would they listen?

Wait! before you answer, we need to first determine what a hologram of Jesus would look like. Because oddly, Jesus Christ and Michael Jackson both share the same issue of having so many different looks.

Would Jesus’s hologram appear as white-skinned man with blonde hair and blue eyes? Or maybe it could resemble the cool-looking Jesus from the “Jesus is my Homeboy” t-shirts, or the “hot” Jesus as depicted in the recent “Son of God” movie that caused a mini-controversy for being “too sexy.” Or, and I’m just throwing this out there, it could look the way Jesus is described in the Bible with “burnished bronze” skin the way many men from the Middle East actually look? (How angry would some on the right be if Jesus—a Middle-Eastern man—was depicted looking like…a Middle Eastern man?!)

But put that aside. What would Hologram Jesus do (“WWHJD”) with today’s conservatives? Of course he would challenge all those who are misusing his teachings for their own political agenda. But there are just so many of people out their appropriating Real Jesus’s words for their own twisted purposes, where does our holy hologram start?

I’m going to go with the Republican Congressional caucus in the House. It’s one stop shopping for a bunch of people who need to understand Jesus’s actual message.

For example, there’s Rep. Kevin Cramer of North Dakota who claimed that the New Testament supports his view that the unemployed deserve to suffer: “If anyone is not willing to work, let him not eat.” Of course, Cramer was the only member of his state’s congressional delegation who didn’t donate his salary to charity when he wasn’t working during last September’s government shutdown.

Then there’s Paul Ryan, the apparent self-appointed defender of the Christian realm after his declaration that President Obama’s policies threaten our nation’s “Judeo-Christian” values. Ryan, however, must think those Christian values support slashing programs that help the poor since the budget he authored did just that to the tune of $3 trillion in cuts. The Ryan budget, which passed the House last month without a single Democratic vote, would also repeal the Medicaid expansion under Obamacare, meaning that between 4 and 6.5 million Americans would no longer have health insurance.

What would Hologram Jesus tell this group of conservative Republicans? Probably his actual words from the Bible, which implore Christians to care for the poor. For example: “Whoever is generous to the poor lends to the Lord, and he will repay him for his deed.” Or this famous section from Mathew: “For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink…I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me.”

With that done, where would the Jesus hologram head next? Why not visit those self-appointed Christian leaders who are teaching people to hate for Jesus” Pat Robertson, and the American Family Assocation’s Bryan Fischer, who spew heaps of anti-gay and anti-Muslim garbage in Jesus’ name.

I could picture Fischer preaching his typical sermons, like the recent “everywhere Big Gay gains ground, Christ is forced into defeat. Bingo —right there, Hologram Jesus appears and asks Fischer: “Where did I ever say you should demonize gay people? Or Muslims? Or anyone for that matter? Did you ever read the part where I said ‘Love your neighbor as yourself?’ Or ‘I was a stranger and you welcomed me’? I was serious about that stuff!”

Fischer’s response would likely be a serious of babbling noises as he tries to hide the brown substance running down his paint leg. At least that’s how I see it going down.

I doubt these guys will listen to a hologram Jesus -after all they are already ignoring the words of the real Jesus. But honestly, how much fun would it be if every time a conservative politician or a so-called Christian leader invokes Jesus’ name to advocate something that clearly contradicts his teachings, a hologram Jesus appears shaking his head “no"?! Finally, we would all have a reason to watch “The 700 Club” and the Republican National Convention.