I don't want to sound all David Cameron here, but I was recently in Liverpool and met a man who faced a difficult choice. In fact, when I was in Liverpool last week, I met a number of men, and women, all of whom faced the same difficult choice. In fact, when I was in Liverpool, I made a point of asking anyone I could find which side of the great debate they were on: in other words, do you want to win, or lose, against Chelsea?

And one answer was the clear winner.

First things first, I stand over these results. In order to perform this poll, I was working as scientifically as possible: 2,300 Liverpudlians were chosen almost at random. The only factor linking them was their attendance at the show I just happened to be doing in the city that night. Now, to some, their attendance at a show of mine would be sufficient evidence to have them removed from most surveys, if not the electoral roll itself. I pooh-pooh this. These are good people, and true.

And they hadn't shown any signs of timidity or modesty, either. At one point we had been discussing the issue of what famous people had appeared in their dreams and one young man told the story of a dream he had once where he had almost had a sexual encounter with Kate Winslet.

Almost?

"She turned me down", he said, and, then after a pause, "well, I didn't try my best stuff." It's nice to know that he didn't bring his A-game, that time he tried to talk his own brain into fantasising about sex with Kate Winslet.

There was also a man who wanted to convince me that he had saved us all from an asteroid, but I think that guy might have been drunk.

Anyway, they were a typically chatty Liverpool crowd.

Some might think the large number of Everton fans in the crowd may have skewed the result, but really, Everton fans are just as confused. Their slim chances of catching Liverpool versus the discomfort of Manchester United winning the league? It's as much of a dilemma for them as it is for the red half of the city. I choose to believe they therefore exempted themselves from the vote.

Professional pollsters might mock "getting a comedy crowd to shout out" as an opinion-measuring methodology. Actually, this might be the most accurate opinion poll ever devised. For one thing, it took place in the dark, anonymously and without repercussion, other than the possible raised eyebrows of your wife in the seat beside you.

This is where traditional polling techniques fall down. If you ask someone on the street a question with a clipboard in your hand, and a pen hovering ready to take down their answer, chances are they'll give you answer they think reflects best on themselves. "How do I like to spend my spare time? Well mostly … with … the poor, at an opera, learning a second language. Mostly."

Never "Scratching. And then watching old episodes of Masterchef. And then more scratching." And when I say "scratching …" well, you know what I mean. It's not something you'd tell a pollster.

No, people are scared of being judged on their true feelings. Which is why we don't wear microphones among close friends, Gordon. It's also the reason that, if you're rolling around, mortally wounded from a vigorous face stroking, don't check how you look by playing peek-a-boo with the bench, Sergei, you almighty gobshite. I hope you watch the Champions League final through those hands as well.

The other main advantage of popping this question, without warning in the middle of a show, was the instinctive reaction it would create. This sport stuff isn't a rational business, and maybe in a crowd we find the truth we're happiest to shout out.

So, the results: When, in the midst of a routine about how much I loathe people who get distracted from watching a match, just because they notice they're on the big screen, I suddenly broke away and said: "By the way, any Liverpool fans here, how many of you want to win against Chelsea?" There was a big cheer.

And then: "How many of you want to lose against Chelsea?" There was a much, much bigger cheer.

They may just have been joking, and either way, the Liverpool team will be tired and disappointed after Thursday and the odds are on Chelsea. But you know the way the Kop is Liverpool's 12th man? Yeah, well, that man may have a hamstring strain tomorrow.