Friday, November 24, 2006

Motormouths

Recently I’ve been advised that people don’t want “niceties” from my blog, they want cold, harsh, biting opinions… Therefore “Just-in-Time” for the holidays I recently sat down late one night to be interviewed by a fellow racing college; “El Captione.” No, not “The Captain,” (Roger Penske) but none other than Captain Kirk… No, NOT Bill Shatner either, just some racing hombre from New Mexico…As you shall soon realize, as the “Memorex” rolled, the totally un-scripted interview plowed through some of Captain Kirk’s thoughts towards the current state of ““CHUMP CARZS” TV broadcasts…Captain Kirk (CK) has asked for complete anonymity, making me promise to never divulge his true identity for fear of having to quit his day job. For the sake of future interviews, I’ve decided to become my dreaded alter ego; Rick Daly. (RD) The following is intended as some “light reading” to help digest the traditional Thanksgiving feast…

CK: Ok, hopefully Rick’s going to ask me some real good questions about Formula One or CART. He can ask em about NASCAR if he wants…RD: The correct pronunciation is” “RASSCAR.”CK: As you can see, he’s NOT real funny, so hopefully he’s going to come up with a good first question to get me fired up…RD: Tell me why you like Rick Benjamin from the Champ Car broadcast so much?CK: Oh do you mean: Hi, this is Rick “Champ Cars sponsored by Bridgestone, Ford, Pepto-Bismol + inser 15,000 other sponsors names her Benjamin?RD: YesCK: Oh but now that I’ve said my name I’ve been talking too long and we have to go back to another commercial…RD: Yeah, that guyCK: Or that IDIOT he works with who I really CAN’T stand because he thinks he knows everything about Formula One racing and driving because he was in a race or two…He thinks he can WIN anything because he flew over his teammate and crashed them both out of the F1 race in Monte Carlo back in 1978/79?RD: Yes (Do you mean Derrick Daly?)CK: And have you ever noticed how in every race he calls some driver an IDIOT and says I can’t believe how that “Doofus!” is driving… Hello “derr-WRECK!” You’ve done that MANY times in your career and by the way your F1 career SUCKED! And didn’t you also SUCK in Champ Cars too?

RD: Correct. Now when are you going to attend his karting school in Las Vegas?CK: The day I win the lottery… I think if I ever won the lottery I’d go to LOS WAGE$ NOT to gamble, but just to drive “Juan” ‘O his stupid karts and CRASH it into the wall…RD: And would you also attend the Buck Baker School of driving?CK: I’ve never heard of the Buck Baker School…RD: I believe that’s a NASCAR driving school?CK: Well I’ll tell you “Juan” thing. If Buck Baker was there I believe he could teach me a thing or two because he’s actually WON a race or two hasn’t he!RD: I believe soCK: I’d actually like to see Derrick Daly get into a NASCAR race. I’d bet those “good ‘ole boys” could teach him a lesson or two? They would kick his ASS! May be they’d even shut his mouth, don’t you think?RD: I doubt it…CK: Well would NBC, SPEED and CBS just do us a huge favor, lets just not have these two “bozoes” calling the race action. We’d be happy to just have Jon Beekhuis calling the race…RD: But I think it’s a package deal. You’ve got to take “derr-WRECK” Daly or nothing at all…CK: Look, we’d be happy to just have nobody talking…RD: Except for Jon Beekhuis…CK: Just show us the race… Have the director give us some decent footage of the on-track action. We can figure out what’s going on…CK: And what the hell is that crew chiefs name they interview all the time?RD: Craig HansenCK: Put this in BOLD print, I DON’T want to her another “bleepin” interview with him…