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Friday, April 22, 2016

HOW DO I GET HIM TO LISTEN TO ME?

Having discussed the issue of how to get your husband to talk in
an earlier post, I would like to focus on another 'biggie' for women: how to
get him to listen to you. The average woman is never short of what to say! And truth be
told, there is always something to say to your husband just in the daily grind
of living. Decisions need to be made. Plans need to be perfected. Progress has
to be made. Life has to be lived. And that on a daily basis! You have an
opinion on issues ( which woman doesn't, lol!). You have your preferences.
Sometimes your ideas and thoughts are at variance with your husband's. The question here is not whose idea is right or wrong. It is
that you have a need to know that you have aired your views and have been heard
and understood by him. That you indeed have your husband's ears because he pays
attention to whatever you have to say per time.

Every woman wants to be able to bring her husband to the point
of realization of what her own perspective is. Unfortunately though, that is
not the case for the bulk of us. The gripe among most women is that their words and divergent
views appear to fall on deaf ears in most cases. "He just does not get it;
he doesn't understand my point of view." Or in some cases, it is an
outright "my opinion does not matter to him; my words are meaningless. He
never listens to me." So, you are making sounds and uttering words ( sometimes in high
decibels). He hears you clearly but you know he's not listening with his heart
because it's obvious you are not engaging him. Sisters, if you want to reverse this trend permanently in your
relationship with your husband, there are some truths you must know and
consciously walk in. For starters, the average man detests being instructed by
his wife. It is just how men are wired. Something within him repels being
talked to like a clueless pupil! Well, that may be far from your mind , but if
you come across like an instructor barking out orders to your subordinate, no
matter how right your point of view is, he will not 'bow' to it!

So the next time you have something important to say to your
husband, rehearse it first to yourself and objectively determine whether you
sound like his mother or a loving ally. Approach him in a non-condescending
manner, not like someone who never gets anything right and needs to be pointed
in the right direction yet again! Let me let you in on a secret that most men harbor and
which they may not readily admit: They struggle internally with feelings of
inadequacy. From the workplace, to the community and other gatherings, the
society is ruthless in pointing out a man's deficiencies. So he struggles to
keep up with societal expectations of him as a man all the time. A lot of
times, he feels he is not doing enough and wants to improve, but his ego will
not let him admit that to you. Then, you come along one day ( or everyday for
some women) and begin to knock off what little is left of his sense of value
because you have something to say! Do you see the picture? If you speak to him
in a manner reminiscent of his domineering mother or fault-finding boss,
he will not listen. It is not that your point is not correct, it is that your
modus operandi is faulty and counter-productive. You mean well but your manner
of approach is a hindrance.

Next is an all-important one which is common to us women. Owing
to the fact that most women are emotional in our approach to issues, this gets
in the way of us being able to reach out to our husbands the way we would like.
The average woman operates at the level of feelings and perception. So in
driving home our point, we tend to push for attention by wrapping our requests
in unreserved demonstrations and sentiments. The height of it is shedding
tears; you know crying, weeping or wailing! Of course you know what I'm talking
about. Have't we all been guilty of this 'besetting sin' at one time or the
other? Lol. A real woman has not made her point to her husband on an important
issue until she has overwrought in the area of her emotions and feelings.Well guess what? Nothing exasperates a husband like a wife on an
emotional overdrive. Unlike women, men are very rational and logical in their
approach to issues which is why most women consider them insensitive. They tend
to process issues in terms of what makes sense as opposed to what feels right
or wrong. So here is the thing. When you put your emotional outbursts
forward in your approach to your husband, you come across as fickle, unserious,
manipulative and controlling! You do not make sense at all. He gets the signal
that you are trying to have your way by all means and that is why you are
trying to twist his arms with your tears,and what have you!

See, men don't like drama! Period. If you want him to pay attention to what you have to say, then
you need to meet him in his comfort zone: be rational. Make sense. Make a
clear, objective case for your perspective. Talk. Don't shout. Don't sulk.
Don't cry. It won't work! Just explain your point with proofs and well-grounded
facts. Men love facts. So support you arguments with intelligent, objective and
thorough facts and figures, which demonstrate that you have done due diligence
to consider all the sides and perspectives involved. Outline the pros and cons
of your position; the immediate and long-term benefits where applicable and all
the while with dry eyes! So he will see that what you are suggesting is well-thought out
and is not based on 'I just feel that...' Or 'I don't know but that is how I
feel.' Ladies, I can't emphasis this enough. Little wonder really that even God expects us to approach Him in
this exact same manner:Isaiah 41:21, 21 Produce your cause, saith the Lord; bring forth your strong
reasons, saith the King of Jacob. Isaiah 1:18,18 Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though
your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red
like crimson, they shall be as wool.

One more thing before I wrap this up. Simply because you have made a case about an issue does not mean
your husband has to respond immediately, unless of course it is an emergency
which he too is aware of. Once you have made your point, leave him alone to think about it
too. Don't insist that he responds immediately. Let him also ruminate over it
and come to his own conclusions. The facts and figures you provided are
sufficient material to at least spark a thought and a call to action on his
part. Challenge him positively by letting him know 'I trust you to help us make
the best decision in this case; God will help you.' Then commit the issue at hand and your husband's heart to God in
prayer, so that God can touch him where only He can and cause him to see what
it is that you are trying to pass across to him. This is certainly not all that there is to getting your husband
to listen to you but with these in place, you are well on your way to having
him hang on to your every word like you really desire him to.

Mummy you are on point. Thank you for the illumination. A lot of us women actually fall into this emotional trap and never really know how to get our messages across to our spouses, but this message is an eye opener. Thank you for being a blessing to our generation

Mummy you are on point. Thank you for the illumination. A lot of us women actually fall into this emotional trap and never really know how to get our messages across to our spouses, but this message is an eye opener. Thank you for being a blessing to our generation