Badlands: Struggles in Transition…

Would you allow me a moment of honesty and transparency? I’m struggling with the transition. The transition from student to pastor. For the past 6 years alongside my work as a pastor I have been a student. First I completed my Graduate Diploma and then I commenced my Masters degree. Having recently graduated I find myself lost, drifting rudderless. Like a boat without anchor or rudder I have no way to settle and no idea where to go. I don’t know what to do with myself. I stare at my bookshelves endlessly wondering what to read. All of a sudden I have a choice and I’m not sure what I want to read.

I see this kind of discontent from time to time in men who retire. For years they have given themselves to their chosen vocation and then one day it comes to an end. I see them struggle to work out what to do with themselves. Eventually they settle into retirement comfortable and life begins again.

For the past six years I have been a Pastor/Student. My mind has been immersed in the world of education. The world of the gospels, of the New Testament and of the pastoral vocation has filled my heart and mind. It has been a truly romantic time and a wonderfully rewarding journey. In fact this blog has basically followed my journey of discovery. But now I just feel lost. I pray and I ask God to show me the way forward but I get nothing. Melancholy sets in and once again I feel adrift, rudderless.

In his memoir Eugene Peterson describes his own season of barrenness. He calls it the badlands. Of this experience he says, ‘“I had no way of knowing it at the time, but I was entering into a time of my life that I later named the ‘badlands.’ And I had no way of knowing how long I would be there. It was going to last six years.” It was during this experience that Peterson clarified what he considered faithful pastoral vocation.The badlands gave birth to the pastoral vocation in Peterson. (The Pastor: p. 203).

And here I sit wondering if my own badlands season has arrived. Here I sit wondering what it means for me to be “just a pastor”. Gone are my student days. It is tempting to take on the next thing but I don’t feel the Lord calling me to that…despite my pleas. So I am left wondering and wandering. I wonder what’s next and what should I be investing my time in.

I used to think I wanted to be a pastor/theologian. I still do but I lack the one thing necessary – the skills to give my mind to study. I once thought of myself as a teacher /pastor and then I realised I couldn’t even learn Greek. I know I am not what they call missional and I don’t enjoy leadership. Pastor/barista has appeal but hardly a vocational calling. So what is it Lord that you have called me to be and do? Oh why, oh why are you silent?

Maybe God wants me to be a pastor, a lowly shepherd of God’s flock; unknown and obscure. Maybe my struggle is not the transition but my own ego. Maybe I struggle to let go of study because what it achieves is able to define me. Maybe now it’s about learning. Perhaps it is about faith and trusting not in the things I can do but in the one whom I am called to follow. Maybe I am just a pastor.

Here’s the rub, pastoral work is not glamorous, it is not sexy, and it takes place away from the spotlight. Out of this badlands experience Peterson developed a framework within which he defined the pastoral vocation. This framework is repeated in many of his writings about the pastoral vocation but is best described as his “trigonometry of ministry.”[1] In his book, Under the Unpredictable Plant[2] he explains it this way:

I want to study God’s word long and carefully so that when I stand before you and preach and teach I will be accurate. I want to pray, slowly and lovingly, so that my relationship with God will be inward and honest. And I want to be with you, often and leisurely, so that we can recognise each other as close companions on the way of the cross and available for counsel and encouragement to one another.[3]

These three acts of prayer, Scripture and what he calls spiritual direction are the foundation of the pastoral ascetic. I wonder what being a pastor would look like if I was a pastor who prayed, a pastor who studied God’s word and who gave attention to God at work in the person opposite me?

Who knows what lies ahead. In the mean time I will seek to discharge my duties and endure the badlands knowing that eventually exile and wilderness wanderings will come to an end and God will have brought me to a place of repentance and restoration. Thank you for listening…

I went through a similar experience. Even though I am not a pastor, I was involved quite a bit in the ministry of our church. I hesitate to say it, but mine lasted 10 years. While I don’t think anyone’s need be that long, I realize that mine lasted as long as it did for several reasons. The main one revolved around unrecognized pride. I felt I could get through it with just myself and God, and, more times than not, just by myself. I was uncomfortable sharing with my pastor and my friends because I felt it would reveal my weakness as a believer. As you can probably tell, lack of Christian maturity was a problem too.

If I could go back and go through that again, the one thing I would change would be to open up to others. One would like to think we could share our burdens with our brothers and sisters in our congregation, but unfortunately, when dealing with sinful human beings, this can lead to other problems, especially for a pastor. I would recommend a network of Christian pastors and friends outside the church you are at, and if you are fortunate, a very close friend within the fellowship. My problem was that I didn’t do that and tried ‘going through the motions’ and eventually felt estranged from God.

The good news, though, is that God never fails. He will never leave or forsake you.. And he sends plenty of help through other believers if we can just humble ourselves and do it (my big problem). The other good news is that all of us go through that experience to some degree, and you will be a better shepherd for it! God bless you and your ministry, and you are in my prayers!

About Mark Stevens

Mark is pastor of the Happy Valley Church of Christ in Adelaide, South Australia. He holds a Master of Ministry from Tabor College Adelaide. The Parson's Patch is a collection of musings on the pastoral vocation, coffee (humour), gardening and other topics of interest! Mark reviews books for Zondervan, IVP, Kregel Academic and Logos Bible Software.

Endorsement

"I am happy to commend Mark Stevens' fine blog which provides resources and discussion on a panoply of things crucial to Christian ministry in the 21rst century. But quite apart from the resources, Mark evinces a mind for what really matters when it comes to the serious study of God's Word--- highly recommended. "