As of this writing, I have listened to the first four episodes of the hit podcastS-Town, and while I don't know yet how any of its mysteries will play out, I do know that I have a big fat crush on the podcast's host/narrator/main guy, Brian Reed. I have no idea what Brian Reed looks like, or where he grew up, or what he's interested in. He exists only as the disembodied voice I hear in my head on my morning commute. And I love him.

In case you didn't know, S-Town is a spin-off of This American Life's Serial, and it's about, well, I don't want to give anything away. It's also just really complicated to explain. Essentially, S-Town takes place in a very tiny, rural town in Alabama called Woodstock. The peripheral characters of Woodstock aren't always the most sympathetic (there's a fair bit of racism and sexism sprinkled through the interviews), but the main players, John and Tyler, are (as of episode four; again, I haven't finished) pretty likable. It has an astonishingly sad theme song about, I think, a dead girl named Emily that's basically a rip-off of "Eleanor Rigby," which isn't relevant to my crush but, right? It sounds like "Eleanor Rigby."

Anyway, Brian Reed is the sole person on the podcast who isn't directly involved in the situation he's investigating. He has no co-host or producer chiming in with an alternate take; Reed is our only guide through this world. He speaks in a calm, measured tone and comes across as a humble, diligent, patient journalist, self-deprecating and far less judgmental than others—myself included—would be. In conversation and narration, he's intelligent without being a smartass and confident without being cocky, which is a fine line for a podcast host to walk. After all, they're basically pontificating into the air in a recording booth. Many come across unintentionally dick-ish or too wrapped up in their own thoughts. But not my Brian!

My impression of Reed is, above all, that he's someone you want to bring home to your parents, not a whiny Nice Guy but an actual Good Guy. His genuineness is especially clear when compared to the faux "off-the-cuff" gimmick of the Blue Apron commercials that periodically interrupt the episodes, but again, I digress.

Here are some things I think would happen if I went on a romantic date with Brian Reed: He would ask questions; he would listen to me answer them (he's a very good listener); he would ask follow-up questions; he would take an interest in the things I am interested in; he would only interrupt if it were really important; we would amicably split the bill (I can't imagine NPR pays much?). Am I crazy for thinking it would be great to be married to Brian Reed?

Well, only one woman knows for sure what that's like. Reed reveals in the second episode (it's pertinent in context) that he's currently wed to a woman named Solange. GOOD FOR YOU SOLANGE. I hope you are very happy together, Solange.

(By the way, I just looked up a picture of Reed and IMHO he's cute.)

So, I will not marry Brian Reed and will instead go back to wondering how Sarah Koenig would describe me if I were ever a material witness to a murder. I hope it would be along the lines of, "Elizabeth Logan is the kind of person who, when you first meet her, seems like she'd be good at celebrity impressions, but she's actually not. Once I got to know her, I decided to set her up with Brian Reed's equally chill brother who is a doctor or something."

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