Mar 19, 2017

You too can hire Fat Roland's chewed vegetables-- er, I mean-- words

Reviewing music is not a natural thing to do. Who forces albums down their ears, swishes the music round their head, then vomits it out as words? You don't see that in nature. do you. You don't see bunny rabbits chewing up lettuce then snotting out an essay on vegetable distribution.

Review-writing day in Fat Roland Towers. I'm going a little mad. This album sounds pretty, that album is full of screaming, MY BRAIN HURTS.

Music reviewers are the scum of the earth. They drain all that is good in the mystery when discovering new stuff. Anyone who reviews music should be reviewed themselves. "Uses the word 'soundscape' too much: one star." See how you like it THEN, music reviewers.

If everything just sounded like Len's Steal My Sunshine, things would be a lot easier.

I'm lying, of course. People who write about music all deserve sainthoods. Although this is not a blog of music reviews because I only mention stuff I enjoy, I like reviewing stuff. It's something I've done on and off for...

*gets calculator*

...92,000 years.

I've spent a day finalising a handful of album reviews for Electronic Sound. The albums I've been writing about today are, respectively: accomplished, epic, astonishing, pointless. disgusting and banging. One of those is Clark's new album.

Back to my original point. My writing is for hire. If you would like me to write for you, get in touch. I know many words such as, um, 'soundscape'. I also do interviews and stupid rants (see also: my column for Electronic Sound).