John Oliver on New Year’s Eve: ‘You’re never really prepared for how truly awful it is’

HBO host John Oliver, whose Last Week Tonight is still on hiatus, popped in on YouTube to share tips on how to survive social interaction on America’s “worst holiday,” New Year’s Eve.

Stating everyone is sick of the holidays, Oliver called New Year’s Eve “the worst,” saying, “New Year’s Eve is like the death of a pet. You know it’s going to happen, but somehow you’re never really prepared for how truly awful it is.”

“It combines three of the least pleasant things known to mankind,” Oliver explained. “Forced interaction with strangers, being drunk, cold and tired, and having to stare at Ryan Seacrest for five solid minutes waiting for him to tell you what the time is.”

Saying “you’re going to need some excellent excuses” to avoid the horrific evening with others, Oliver offered up some suggestions.

For those invited by a recently-divorced friend to “hang out and do some guy stuff” — guys stuff being “code for strip clubs” — Oliver suggests making up a fake medical crisis, adding “you should absolutely not spend New Year’s Eve in a strip club, unless Ebola goes airborne and the only cure is glitter.”

To avoid the consequences of “five hour commitment” of a party at a friend’s house, Oliver suggestions mentioning you’re undergoing “a cleanse.”

“This actually works for everything. New Years Eve parties, it works for. Bar mitzvahs, wakes, it works for everything,” he explained. “Simply tell them you’re doing a cleanse. Now that’s not technically an excuse, but the beauty is there will be no follow-up questions, because nobody wants to hear about your f*cking cleanse. Nobody.”

Lastly, Oliver brought up “girl’s night out,” but admitted that he had never been invited to one because, “I’m such a Samantha, and women are intimidated by my energy,” and so he offered no suggestions other than lying.

About the Author

Tom Boggioni is based in the quaint seaside community of Pacific Beach in less quaint San Diego. He writes about politics, media, culture, and other annoyances. Mostly he spends his days at the beach gazing at the horizon waiting for the end of the world, or the sun to go down. Whichever comes first.