I am an evil giraffe. Who no longer blogs about politics.

This is going to be more or less tossed-off, very subjective, and REFLECTIVE OF NOBODY’S OPINION EXCEPT MY OWN. That last bit? Kind of important: the next few months are going to be a time where people are going to be ascribing ulterior motives with what they used to call ‘gay abandon’ before the cultural referents shifted.

Anyhoo:

Debate participants:

Michele Bachmann. Bachmann needs to win tonight. I don’t expect her to. I expect her to hammer at Perry on Romney’s behalf over Gardasil, and I hope that it makes her feel better about losing, because she shot herself in the foot over this one (somebody forgot to tell Bachmann that the A-List of the Right-sphere has been fighting the anti-vacs for years). Moral of the story: when your staff tries to put you in a media bubble, fire them.

Herman Cain. I like Herman Cain. I want Herman Cain in the next administration. I think that Herman Cain could contribute something to these debates. I am starting to resent most of the rest of the debate participants for taking up time that Herman Cain would like to use to talk about jobs. I don’t think Cain is going to be the nominee.

Newt Gingrich. I just realized something: Gingrich would be almost as much fun as the moderator for these things as he would be a participant, and getting him off the stage could set it for further clearing.

Jon Huntsman. He’s in the wrong party, and his presence is now making the debates bloat further. Time for him to be disinvited.

Gary Johnson. I’m a fair-minded man. If Johnson does fantastic tonight, fine. If not, well, we have a crowded debate stage as it is.

Ron Paul. He’s marking time. Paul will not be the nominee. But if we hack it down to four people then Paul is doing well enough to have a legitimate place in the debate. Besides, Paul reliably destroys himself, merely by talking.

Rick Perry. Rick Perry kind of needs to win tonight. Maybe he could chug an energy drink at the midpoint? – And turn everything back to jobs.

Mitt Romney. At some point, Romney is going to have to do one of these debates where he’s not ducking behind the podium and watching all the other candidates unload on each other. Every debate where he doesn’t engage just builds up the charge that he’s not tough enough for the big leagues.

Rick Santorum. Every time I hear Rick Santorum, I get just a little bit more resentful that he’s on the stage and taking away valuable debate time from people who can actually win the election. I get that he’s annoyed at his treatment, and I even agree that he’s right to be annoyed… but still. Enough.

At this point, the next debate should be Cain, Paul (God help us), Perry, and Romney. Maybe Johnson, if Johnson does well tonight: maybe Bachmann, if she recovers sufficiently. Gingrich to moderate, from here on out – and he’d be allowed to smack around the other moderators. Everybody else? Thanks for stopping by.