Identity Crisis

It happens all the time. You think you want something, you go after it, then you either A) realize your limitations B) realize you never wanted it after all or C) live happily after after.

In game, I’ve accepted A and B. In real life, I’ve scored C. Even though this is “stupid cupid” day, this post is not about my life’s happily ever after. You would all be gagging yourselves with a spoon at the end of that kind of post! But I think that because I’ve found happiness in life, I’ve been able to realize and accept my role in this game.

Since the beginning of Cataclysm, I’ve had a personal identity crisis in game. Unfortunately, being a guild leader, I led the guild down the same confusing “where the fuck are we going” path. When we were raiding T 14 and T15, I thought I wanted more. I thought I wanted to be a heroic raider. I thought I wanted MT to be known as a heroic raiding guild.

I bought into the malarkey that being “casual” is “bad”. In Firelands I practically forced my raid team to go for heroic bosses. Shannox was easy enough. Majordomo wasn’t exactly a pushover but doable. Once we got them down, I wanted more. A lot more. The Raid Leader was very reluctant. Half the raid was all for it, the other half was not keen on wiping for 2 hours on a heroic boss when there was much loot to be had farming everything on normal.

So I had us form a “heroic-focused” group for Dragon Soul. Mavros came over from Broken to lead the group. Suddenly we went from a laid back fun raiding guild to a cold, serious “must kill everything no matter the cost” atmosphere. And the “cost” was good, likeable people that were not exactly heroic raiders. Mistakes were no longer tolerated, and players who didn’t perform at top level were suddenly kicked to the curb. We never kicked anyone out of the guild, but removing them from the group caused them to understandably leave the guild.

After riding the high of 8/8H in Cataclysm, the friction was palpable. We couldn’t even really celebrate killing heroic Deathwing because of how many in the guild felt slighted by one group’s progress. I was torn. I hated the atmosphere, but I loved being able to complete the final tier on heroic. So we plodded on. Our heroic kills opened a whole new door to recruiting. Players joined, knowing we were capable of being a heroic guild.

MOP hit, and we kept the Cataclysm momentum going. Slowly but surely, some players were getting left behind, despite trying to field 4 raid teams off the bat. The Team Moist dynamic has already been beaten to death. But it was my being originally part of that group, that I began to realize my limitations. My stress levels were suddenly through the roof. I couldn’t dedicate the time it took to farm rep, to max my toon with neverending dailies and the cesspool that is LFR. I’ve always known that I’ve had a slow-ish learning curve. And ultimately, it was the tornadoes that did me in. But realistically, I didn’t belong there.

In the buildup to “the breakup”, I was questioning my own place in the game and in the guild. I thought I wanted more out of the game, but I’d really don’t want to sacrifice sanity and fun for it. I’ve had a lot of “what was I thinking?” moments this xpac, and I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I lost my game identity, and in the process, I lost MT’s identity as well.

I have come to the realization that I am a “casual” player. I am not a heroic player, and probably never will be. I have come to the realization that MT is, was and always will be a “casual” guild. I have accepted that nobody’s perfect, not even me. And you know what? I’m totally cool with that, because I”m having fun again!🙂

Very good write up Aly. I think you nailed, perfectly, what I have been going through the past 6 months to a year of gaming. I am not the raider I used to be, I need to stop pretending I am and embrace the new me. Thanks for writing this!