Sunday, February 26, 2012

Insert Retconned Badass-Looking Warbler Here

"I'm not crazy!" Ben slammed his fist on the table. "Shirley knows I'm nuts to begin with! She doesn't have to recommend me to a therapist!"

"Calm down," said the therapist. "Start from the beginning and go slowly."

"I don't need - "

"Calm down," repeated the therapist. "Just start over."

Ben was clearly still aggravated. However, he took a breath and told the story from the top.

-

Pretty much everyone was falling asleep in Aster's class that day.

As a reward for Chrys getting 110% on her last test, Aster in excitement had given her the option to choose what anime or manga they would learn next (provided they hadn't already done it). This however turned out to be a very, very bad idea...

...Because Chrys had Aster do Axis Powers Hetalia.

Aster hated Hetalia with a burning passion. She hated yaoi, and because yaoi was somewhat the point of Hetalia (albeit being crack-inspired, historically-based yaoi) it was a waste of time. So Aster seemed like she was on the verge of falling asleep herself. She lazily went on with the lecture, not caring whether anyone was dozing off or having Yu-Gi-Oh! battles under the table (she did like the anime, just not the card game), and constantly going off on tangents about weather and recent events...and only Chrys was into it, throwing bits of chalk at Aster to get her to work harder.

Aster dismissed the class thirty minutes early, under the excuse that she had paperwork to do. Nobody bothered to argue, and so while Aster whomped herself onto the couch, the computers flashed with alarm.

Aster picked herself up and went to the computer to see. Her eyes went bigger with confusion, then shock.

"Black*Rock Shooter? The anime hasn't even been released yet! There's barely any plot at this point besides wild guessing! How is this even a fandom?"

Chrys went to the computer as well. "Well, a lot of people are throwing around ideas about which characters from the original artist's blog will make the anime, so it's easy for someone to make one up..."

"Hmph." Aster folded her arms. "Well, I wish luck to the person who goes in there. Nobody's gonna know anything about how to get around…"

"It might be to our advantage if the Sue doesn't know what she's doing in an unknown fandom," said Doug. "We just need anyone who seems to have any hint of what's going on. And I guess that would be Chrys and Aster…"

"Is there someone with a huge gun or bomb or something?" asked Aster, looking around. "Dougくん…? Oh wait, you're in a wheelchair…"

"Everyone turns to me for the explosives," he said.

"Well?" Aster turned around. "Hey, maybe Ben can do it…"

"It looks like a shoujo manga to me," said Ben.

"Trust me, when you see the amount of guns here…The lead character has a cannon strapped to her arm. And has a fire shooting out of her eye. And the enemy has a scythe. We need explosives…"

-

"Ben," said the therapist, sighing, "you do know that Aster explained Black*Rock Shooter last night in detail, and I don't ever remember you going out, and Chrys would most likely be okay with going, so maybe you were just – "

"Let me finish."

-

"I'm a little scared," said Adrian, "that we're putting the fate of this fandom in the hands of Aster and Ben…"

"Ah, don't worry, they'll be fine," assured Tash.

"Why are you being more assured than usual?" said Adrian.

"And why are you being more hyperactive than usual?"

"INTO THE FANDOM WE GO!" yelled Aster, cutting across the two leaders and hopping in. Ben shrugged and followed her.

"So how do we get in?" said Ben, looking at her.

"Er," said Aster, tugging at her lip. "Kyaa~…er, it's a new fandom…I don't know how to get around here…"

When the two emerged, they were standing on what looked like a huge chessboard. There was music playing in the background.

"Ugh, what the hell is that?" said Ben, who had forgotten to bring his headphones.

"That's the Black*Rock Shooter song. The one the anime was based on. I guess this is a songfic…"

And sure enough, the words "Black*Rock Shooter" were quite prominent in the song.

"Don't you dare insult Mikuちゃん kyaa," asserted Aster. "She's a VOCALOID. And you get used to the high-pitchedness."

Ben wasn't so sure. To his ears which were trained for hard metal and guitars, Hatsune Miku was hell on his ears.

"There! There they are!" pointed Aster. She pointed her finger, and sure enough, there were two girls there.

The first girl had her hair in twin-tails, with shocking electric blue eyes. She had a sword in one hand and was panting. To top it off, she was chained to the wall, and was staring at the other girl with what seemed to be a strange mixture of contempt and despair. This was Black*Rock Shooter, the girl who had stood as the icon of drooling otaku for around a year now.

The one standing next to her had her hair let down and two large horns coming out of her head, along with a scythe in her hand. Her eyes were bright green, but they looked empty. She was the Dead Master. Black*Rock Shooter's beloved sister, who somehow had become possessed by something and now had a desire to kill B*RS.

Black*Rock Shooter stared at her sister with a blank face, and suddenly began to struggle. The chains snapped off as she wrenched them off. The Dead Master stepped back in shock.

As Black*Rock Shooter went for her sword, the flame came out of her eye and the cannon appeared on her arm. She had to fire the blow that would kill her sister – for it was the only way to save her. There was no third option…

…when someone intervened.

A slender girl also clad in black came between Black*Rock Shooter and her sister holding a very long sword.

"Isn't that a katana?" said Ben, watching as the second verse of Black*Rock Shooter played in the background.

"Yeah, I think so," said Aster.

Ben's communicator beeped and Ben turned it on to see a Cristoph who looked like he was about to strangle the two.

"It's a tsurugi, you morons!" he yelled before the communicator switched off.

"Oops."

-

"Mmhm," said the therapist, who was still taking notes.

"That's not even the half of it! I mean, seriously, why does he get worked up over a sword?"

"He is a ninja," said the therapist. "He has a right to be picky."

-

The new black-haired girl (because pretty much everyone in the Black*Rock Shooter fandom seemed to be black-haired) appraised B*RS and the Dead Master with her vivid silver eyes. Her hair was short in a bob unlike the two long-haired girls around her.

She turned to face Black*Rock Shooter.

"My name is Black Hunter Wall," said the girl. "I am here to tell you something. You don't have to kill your sister."

Black*Rock Shooter stared, somewhat transfixed by the arrival of this new girl. "I…"

And while both girls were standing there, the Dead Master not moving for some strange, unknown reason, the new girl explained the black thing possessing the Dead Master and how there was some way to get it out…

And meanwhile the song of Black*Rock Shooter came to an end. Ben gave a sigh of relief…

…when the song started again from the beginning.

Ben wanted to strangle someone.

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" yelled Aster, pointing her staff at Black Hunter Wall. "We're from the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society, and you're under arrest!"

Hearing Black Hunter Wall's logic, Black*Rock Shooter sprang at the two Agents with the fire erupting from her eye. She aimed the cannon at the two.

Ben pointed at Black*Rock Shooter. "Don't mess with nukes!"

A nuke appeared in midair and aimed itself for B*RS. The girl was used to such disruptions, however, and she jumped up and avoided it.

"Hyah!" Aster in fae form charged at B*RS, swinging her staff, but B*RS was used to avoiding the Dead Master's scythe. (By the way, the Dead Master was just sort of standing there dumbly.) Black Hunter Wall snickered and started to run off, but while Aster was busy distracting B*RS, Ben bounded after the Sue, who pulled out her tsurugi.

"A tsurugi's not going to be effective against what I'm about to do!" yelled Ben. "My coffeemakers are not controlled by Hoover Dam computers!"

The floodgates opened, releasing the stream of coffee. Black Hunter Wall, with intense agility, bounded up onto the nearby rock and sprung against the wall in a leap against Ben.

Ben easily dodged it, but It became clear that Black Hunter Wall was not aiming for him. Black Hunter Wall had landed right next to the Dead Master.

"Better make this quick," said Black Hunter Wall. She pulled out a deck of cards that read "TVtropes".

Damn it, thought Ben. TVtropes spell…

-

"TVtropes spell?"

The therapist blinked and stared at Ben, who nodded. "You've never heard of them? They invoke those against us…"

"I think you're just making it up."

"I'm not crazy!" insisted Ben.

-

Out of the deck, Black Hunter Wall pulled out one card entitled "I Know You're In There Somewhere Fight". She placed it on the Dead Master's head. It absorbed into her the same way a Copyright would.

The Dead Master blinked and soon she was back to her old B*RS's-sister-self. "Where am I?"

Faced with two super-powered girls, one with a cannon and sword and one with a scythe, Aster was clearly losing the battle. Ben was forced to go help her.

The Black*Rock Shooter song was on its bridge now, the highest part of the whole song. Ben had an increasing urge to cover his ears as Miku sang higher and higher…

"Ah well. Might as well finish them off themselves. It's better to get my job off my back now than to deal with them later," said Black Hunter Wall.

"Aren't you – supposed – to try and just run off and save yourself?" said Ben as he pried the Dead Master off Aster.

"Nah. It's no fun that way."

Trying to accept this new development, Ben now had to assist Aster in fighting off three girls as the huge thing erupted.

"And that music is – driving – me – insane – " went Ben as he continued fighting.

Suddenly things started to get really crazy when Black*Rock Shooter's cannon started to fire golf balls.

"The hell?" said Ben.

"I don't remember this from the anime!" yelled Aster.

It got even weirder when the golf balls started catching fire.

"THE HELL?" yelled Aster. "I really do not remember this!"

What made it even worse was that the Dead Master's scythe also started firing golf balls (wait, firing?) and going everywhere.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?" yelled Ben.

The music continued playing in the background.

"AND SOMEONE SHUT THAT MUSIC UP!"

-

"…and the rest is history," said Ben.

The therapist blinked.

"You didn't tell me how you captured the Sue…"

"I assume she escaped," said Ben, waving his hand.

The therapist sighed.

"Ben, seriously," she said, taking off her glasses (she didn't need them, they were all for show).

Ben's jaw dropped.

"Bella?" he complained. "What are you doing here? They told me the therapist's name was – "

"Well, the Society's not too keen on people being named after Twilight characters…" She shrugged. "I'm Lily now, for future reference. Lily Adamson. Also taken out of Random Name Generator."

Ben sighed.

"Ben, I'll tell you what happened. Last night Aster went into excessive detail about Black*Rock Shooter when explaining things and you had a large swig of Firebrand Whiskey before you went to bed and…"

"I DID NOT!" yelled Ben. "You're trying to brainwash me! I was there! I – "

He turned around to see Aster with a golf ball.

"See? She's there! She'll prove it! She – "

In his rush to get to her, Ben tripped over and fell on his face. He was knocked unconscious.

Aster looked at the white chocolate truffle in her hand and shrugged shortly before Chrys took it. Lily put her head in her hands and sighed.