One girl's twistedly fantastic interpretation of what the hell is really going on in those tribes.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Matt: The Angel

This is a delicious morsel called Matt Bischoff. Matt is 38 years old and hails from the great state of Ohio. In addition to whittling wood, attending Skynyrd concerts and protecting the town of Charming, Matt dabbles in BMX bike sales. His inspiration in life is a hirsute fellow by the name of Hans Langseth. You might be asking yourselves, "Who is this Hans? And why does Matt worship him so?"

Voila! Hans holds the record for the longest beard ever. 17.5 feet long, I'll have you know. I don't know about all of you, but Hans is now my inspiration in life as well. Not for his beard, no. But for the wave like crest his hair makes, the soul piercing glare of his eyes and for the grand throne he sits upon. I feel you, Matt. I do. All hail Hans!

There are two other things that Matt loves almost as much as facial hair - his sons. Matt is a proud daddy and even though he has a mane that would make a chestnut thoroughbred jealous, his sons are his greatest achievement so far.

Oh god, I hope he talks with an accent. Please to enjoy:

I have no idea what he just said. I was too distracted by how his dreadlock titter tattered back and forth in the breeze. Glorious! At one point it was a little like a metronome - tick, tock, tick, tock - hypnotizing me with images of sticky floored biker bars and big bosomed feathered gals riding bitch on the back of Harleys.

I'm not so disillusioned to think this beautiful specimen will actually win, but I do hope he is around long enough to entertain us with tales of Sturgis, Altamont and how he makes those duck calls sound so melodious.

So, what do we think of Matt? Does he make your nipples hard like he does mine?

I disagree, I think he is sort of blah. "live life to the fullest"....blah blah blah.I also disagree about the dread lock. Unless I fall in love with his personality on the first episode, he's got to go. I can't stand to look at that thing when he is speaking, and that's all I look at. I can't handle it. The long hair, the beard....all fine. But that pointy, center faced dread lock is disgusting. I can't bare to watch it all season, I can't.