Waffles

Purchased Price: $3.19Size: 6 waffles/boxPurchased at: PublixRating: 6 out of 10Pros: Waffles toast up crispy. Icing akin to cinnamon roll icing. 10 vitamins and minerals. Excellent for making breakfast sausage sandwiches. Excellent for making ice cream sandwiches. Fulfills lifelong goal to draw on a waffle. Filling in the waffle nooks reminds me of Tetris.Cons: Homestyle waffle base is pretty bland on its own. Only 3 icing packs for 6 waffles. Must sustain patience for the icing to defrost. Must sustain patience for waffles to toast. Realizing I have no patience.

Right now in my freezer there are only two food items that have been in there for over six months — a half full bag of store brand chopped broccoli and Guy Fieri’s S’mores Indoor Pizza.

In another six months, I expect both to still be occupying freezer space because I’m scared to open them, especially the s’mores pizza, but for the six months they’ll be joined by a Kellogg’s Eggo Drizzlers strawberry topping packet because the topping made with real fruit is…

What do the kids say nowadays?

Um…

Oh yeah, weak sauce.

Each Eggo Drizzlers box comes with six waffles and three topping packets, each of which holds about an ounce of strawberry weak sauce. The Eggo waffles included are the exact same circular breakfast modules that you know and love (or have nothing else better to eat). They are prepared in the toaster the same way as any other Eggo waffles. The topping, according to the box, can be heated in two ways:

1. Place the topping packet in a cup of warm water while the waffles are being toasted.

2. Warm topping packet in hand while toasting waffles.

But if you really want to multitask, I’d recommend a third option. Clip the topping packet to an ID lanyard around your neck and take a shower with it while the waffles are in the toaster.

After the waffles are done and the topping is warmed up, tear open the strawberry sauce-filled packet like it’s a condom wrapper and squeeze out its contents. As you can see in the photo above, there’s enough in one packet to cover two waffles.

But, again, the strawberry topping is weak sauce.

If your child is used to syrup from Mrs. Butterworth’s, Aunt Jemima, or anything else that’s dark, viscous, sugary, and comes in a plastic bottle, then the strawberry topping might not satisfy their taste buds and sweet tooths. Although, the topping has a gooeyness similar to pancake syrup, its strawberry flavor was light and not that sweet.

However, the strawberry topping has around 50 percent less sugar than syrup from Mrs. Butterworth’s, Aunt Jemima, or anything else that’s dark, viscous, sugary, and comes in a plastic bottle. So if you’re looking to cut your child’s sugar intake (or want to make your paunch disappear), use the strawberry topping packet.

Since I don’t have a child with a sugar problem or a paunch big enough to encourage me to do something about it, and I don’t care for the Eggo Drizzlers strawberry topping (and I turned the last two waffles into a peanut butter and jelly sandwich), the last topping packet will keep my freezer burned broccoli and s’mores pizza company in the freezer…and, when I decide to clean out my freezer, in the trash can also.

Item: Kellogg’s Eggo Drizzlers Strawberry WafflesPurchased Price: $3.00 (on sale)Size: 6 waffles & 2 topping packetsPurchased at: SafewayRating: 5 out of 10Pros: Same ol’ Eggo waffles, if you like Eggo waffles. Leftover packet keeping company other frozen food. Topping has less sugar than regular syrup. Enough topping to cover two waffles. Topping is made with real fruit. Multitasking.Cons: Strawberry topping was light on flavor and not that sweet. Only six waffles per box. If you’re addicted to pancake syrup, topping will not suffice. Freezer burned broccoli. Showering with a topping packet.

Blueberry was the first ingredient Kellogg’s began baking into their almost Simpson’s skin-colored frozen waffles. Later, they made a waffle with chocolate chips.

Just like a beginning chainsaw juggler getting comfortable with throwing one chainsaw into the air and later moving up to two chainsaws when they haven’t lost a limb after several throws with one chainsaw, Kellogg’s started off with one ingredient, but became brave and added another. One of the first results of that bravery was their Limited Edition Seasons S’mores Waffles.

And now Kellogg’s is doing it again with their new Eggo Granola Chocolate Chip Waffles.

Actually, if you want to get technical, they baked three ingredients into these new waffles: chocolate chips, granola pieces, and rolled oats. Ah yes, granola — a hippie sustenance, Nature Valley’s cash cow, and the other reason, besides keeping hydrated, why it’s so important to have water while hiking.

The chocolate chips and rolled oats are super easy to spot in each waffle. Unfortunately, I can’t say the same for the granola pieces, which involves a closer inspection. The chocolate chips stand out because, obviously, their dark color makes them look like blackheads on the Simpson’s skin-colored waffles. As for the rolled oats, they’re noticeable because they look like trilobite fossils encased in waffle batter.

Sadly, while these Eggo Granola Chocolate Chip Waffles were warming up in my toaster, they didn’t make my kitchen smell like Eggo Homestyle frozen waffles were being pounded with heat from toaster filaments. When I took them out of the toaster, they had a nondescript aroma. I couldn’t even detect the scent of the chocolate chips while putting my nose close enough to the waffles that it looked like I was snorting cocaine off of them.

The chocolate chips, granola pieces, and rolled oats are, for the most part, spread evenly throughout each waffle. But that really didn’t matter because, without syrup, these Eggo Granola Chocolate Chip Waffles were as bland as white cotton panties. The chocolate flavor was so faint that I wondered if the semisweet chocolate Kellogg’s used in these waffles was really sub-sweet chocolate or hypo-sweet chocolate.

The rolled oats and granola pieces (which were made using sugar, honey, and molasses) also didn’t bring anything to this waffle party, except two grams more fiber than Eggo Homestyle Waffles. I thought the granola would at least add a little crunch, but my molars didn’t detect any. Thankfully, the waffle itself was crispy on the outside and soft inside.

Of course, waffles are eaten with syrup, and a light coating of the caramel colored sugar gravy did make these waffles much more tolerable. However, because the waffle itself had little flavor, all I pretty much tasted was syrup.

Overall, I think hippies would say the Kellogg’s Eggo Granola Chocolate Chip Waffles are a waste of granola.

Okay, Eggo, we get it. You make some pretty great frozen waffles. In fact, I’d say that you’ve got the frozen waffle game ON LOCK. But can you please stop gloating? We understand that you want us to give you the R.E.S.P.E.C.T. you sorely desire when we get home.

I know I’m proud of you. But making the umpteenth delicious waffle variety is really pushing it. I simply cannot stress enough the importance of humility in the art of frozen breakfast-making.

See, with your new Thick & Fluffy Mixed Berry Waffles, you take things a bit too far by adding real fruit into your already delicious batter. Eggo, I know you’re at the top of the game, but you’re humiliating the competition at this point. Just slow your roll. Go easy on them.

Now, Thick & Fluffy Mixed Berry waffles are full of mixed berry flavor. Even though it doesn’t taste like real fruit, I want you to know that I still appreciate the effort. It’s a sizeable leap away from some of the other frozen waffle lines out there who only offer blueberry flavor. Blueberry is old hat.

By giving us strawberry and blueberry together, you’re breaking the mold with a VARIETY of berries. You clearly wanted to present a waffle wherein strawberry and blueberry flavors mingle in perfect harmony… but before you get too smug, Eggo, let me point out that the strawberry flavor overpowers the blueberry flavor just a smidgen. That doesn’t completely ruin the effect, though, nor the name. The berries are blended. They are mixed, which makes for some delicious waffles. I see you, Eggo.

Let’s not forget the convenience factor. When it comes to toaster waffles, especially waffles of a certain thickness that tend to take a little longer to toast… it’s not always easy to get it just right. You’ve made a Thick & Fluffy waffle and that is indeed thick and fluffy, but one that is still a cinch to get to that desirable level of golden brown crispiness without the burnt edges. Delicious and hot and golden brown. And sweet enough to skip the syrup… but why would you ever do that? I say bring on the sweetness!) This is a good waffle, Eggo. But now you’re just showing off.

So please hear me out. I admire the level of toasty goodness you’ve achieved with this new creation, Mixed Berry – one that is on par with the yummy-ness of the other Thick & Fluffy flavors, Original and Cinnamon & Brown Sugar.

But please, just take a moment to think of the other brands, the ones you’ve left behind: Kashi, Aunt Jemima, Krusteaz, Nature’s Path, Van’s, and any store brand. Think of how they might feel when you show up with yet another tasty breakfast item that will yet again fill the bellies of Americans with warm, toasty, sweet waffle-y goodness. They’ll feel jealous, that’s what.

Let me take you back to a warm summer night in 1962. In a sturdy tree house overlooking the backyard of the Mean Old Mr. Myrtleâ€™s house, a portly adolescent named Hamilton Porter sticks a marshmallow on a stick and proceeds to shove it into a campfire. When the mallow is flaming with enough heat to fog up the glasses of his friend Squints Palledorous, the freckled-faced ginger removes the â€˜mallow, sticks it between a square of Hersheyâ€™s chocolate and two graham crackers, and proceeds to â€œstuff it.â€

Hence the sâ€™more was born, and America was bequeathed one of its most iconic flavor combinations.

If the British their Spotted Dick pudding (what is that stuff anyway?) and the German have their Black Forest cake, we Americans have our sâ€™mores. An engrained element of our efforts to eat seasonally, the sâ€™more flavor profile has made its way into Pop-Tarts, cereal, ice cream, and, yes, the ubiquitous and completely worthless Quaker Chewy Granola bar.

Perhaps feeling moved by the same spirit of summer which seized Buzz Lightyear, Eggo has decided to release a seasonal sâ€™more frozen waffle. Available only at Target, the waffles come in the familiar eight count box which basically forces you to eat all eight waffles in one sitting, lest you chance freezer burn with the non-resealable packaging.

After proceeding to follow the very specific instructions of my Eggo box and toasting the waffles on a low setting for two rotations, I took my slightly crispy but still chewy waffles and applied a liberal pat of butter and maple syrup. It then occurred to me that putting butter and maple syrup on anything would likely skew results to the â€œwow, this is greatâ€ rating, and recalling no evidence of butter or maple syrup in the entire history of my sâ€™more eating, I decided to test out one of the waffles plain.

Unlike the first bite of an actual sâ€™more, my waffle did not tempt my taste buds with layers of crunchy and creamy, smooth and coarse. There was no milky chocolate, nor was there toasted marshmallow goo, and there definitely was no fire to puff out from said flaming â€˜mallow. To be short, my first bite of the new Eggo Sâ€™mores waffle tasted decidedly like a toasted Eggo waffle, albeit with an interesting if not underrepresented chew of malted barley sweetness and some kind of exotic multigrain element. It didnâ€™t scream graham in the traditional sense of a Nabisco graham cracker, but instead gave off hints of buckwheat and whole wheat.

If it sounds enticing, donâ€™t get too excited. I can buy frozen multigrain waffles from any hippie megastore, but I only trust Eggo to give me the proper nutritionally worthless convenience of chocolate chips and marshmallow built into my frozen waffle. And when it comes to those two key features â€“ chocolate chips and â€˜mallows â€“ there just arenâ€™t enough.

Itâ€™s a real shame because the chocolate chips are actually composed of real chocolate and take on a nice melty smoothness in the toaster, while the marshmallows strikes a balance of creamy and gooey that puts them somewhere between cereal â€˜mallows and Twinkie cream. On the rare bites when youâ€™re able to pair both the chocolate and â€˜mallows with the slightly crispy waffle, well, youâ€™ll find yourself fully appreciating the words of Hamilton Porter.

In that case, go ahead and â€œstuff itâ€ for all theyâ€™re worth, my friends.

The new Eggo Sâ€™more waffles arenâ€™t bad. They just need sâ€™more of the stuff that makes sâ€™mores so damn good. Speaking of which, forget the butter and maple syrup and go ahead and skewer these puppies on a twig. Fire up the grill, grab some Hersheyâ€™s bars and Jet-Puffs, and then weâ€™ll talk. Or, should I say, weâ€™ll stuff.