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The Easter Bunny: A Man-Sized Mutant Beast

My attempt at doing an April Fool’s Day joke failed just like Obama’s organization. I had something else planned. I was going to do something great. You know, promise something and when the time comes, don’t do anything and use the excuse that things of that magnitude don’t just happen over night. Or in Obama’s case, over 4 years. Enough talk about Obama and his lack of change. To the real purpose of this post. Bunnies. I want to talk to you about bunnies and how evil they are. How much these furry rodents scare me and how I will run far, far away. Lobsters, giant bunnies rabbits, and clowns. While lobsters and clowns are scary, neither of those two compare to the horror of a giant Easter Bunny. I will tell you about the creature. The creature that wants to gnaw off your face.

Like most of my stories, this one starts at work. All my stories start there. Why? Cause work is full of epic stories. Anyway, I was busy at work. I think I was doing something with chickens. My head is down and I am not paying much attention to what is happening around me. While I work, a co-worker exclaims,

Out of habit, I look up. She was right. The Easter Bunny had arrived. I didn’t see his face but I saw the backside. The bunny is scary no matter which view you see. I gasp and look down and stupid me tells this lady,

That thing is scary. I don’t like the Easter Bunny.

She laughs. I cringe. She laughs more and seeks out another employee to relish in my phobia of giant rabbit. It doesn’t take long till a number of people are doing their best to get me to see this thing up close. I won’t. I can’t. I am shaking. My shoulders twitch and I am literally hiding from this bunny. I get shoved into a room and there it is. The bunny is walking towards me with his arm wide open for a hug. Holy Hell! I wanted to die that very moment. F**king bunny.

What is wrong with me? I am scared of germs. Don’t like being touched. I am scared of bunny rabbit costumes. What else is next? I had to see if this was a real thing. I looked up on the internet if there was a clinical term for this sort of phobia. Sadly, there isn’t. The closet thing to it is, Masklophobia. It is defined as,

I don’t have that. I don’t even think of this as a real phobia. I just find people in animal costumes creepy. Don’t expect me to run up and hug Chucky Cheese or the Honey Smack Frog. I won’t do it. It just creeps me out. I once got a photo with Twinkie the Kid. That is fine. That didn’t bother me. Why? Cause it’s a giant twinkie and twinkies aren’t alive. If they were alive, well, that just be f**king insane.

It’s Easter and that means bunnies, eggs, and Zombie Jesus. I am going to showcase to you some reasons, 5 in fact, that will prove to people that giant bunny costumes are not cute. They are creepy. I don’t care if there is someone behind the costume. That person is also responsible for the pain and torture I endure when these life-sized abominations came waltzing towards me like that bitch, Matilda. Take a look at these 5 things (in no particular order) and then you decide if my phobia of people in bunny costumes is rubbish or legit.

1. Donnie Darko – Frank the Bunny

Clearly, an obvious addition to this list. Why is Frank scary? Well, bunny suit for one. Plus, he takes a savage stabbing to his eye and doesn’t go down. He’s Donnie imaginary friend who knows when the world will end. A bunny that knows when the world will end. I hop(e) to God he’s wrong. 28:6:42:12…this is when the world will end. From a bunny. Nuff’ said.

2. The Bunny Man Bridge

If a giant rabbit with the power to predict the end of the world doesn’t scare you, this next little story might. It’s true or so the legend says so. It’s always scarier when it’s true. I was not aware of the Bunny Man Bridge up until a few days ago. I clicked on a link and came to this page. It was actually the same day the bunny from work chased me. How odd is that? To the legend.

The Bunny Man is an urban legend that probably originated from two incidents in Fairfax County, Virginia in 1970, but has been spread throughout the Washington D.C. area. There are many variations to the legend, but most involve a man wearing a rabbit costume (“bunny suit”) who attacks people with an axe. Many variations occur around “Bunny Man Bridge”, the concrete tunnel of a Southern Railway overpass on Colchester Road in Clifton. Story variations include the origin of the Bunny Man, names, motives, weapons, victims, description of the bunny suit or lack there of, and the possible death of the Bunny Man. In some accounts the Bunny Man’s ghost or aging spectre is said to come out of his place of death each year on Halloween to commemorate his death. In some accounts, victims’ bodies are mutilated.

The legend is pretty eff’ed up. But if you’re going to go on a killing spree, why not do it in style? It just proves my point that people in bunny suits or any kind of suit, is down right frightening.

A man in a bunny suit attacks people and mutilates them. Really!? Are you still thinking this bunny costumes are cute?I don’t think so. I would run like hell if a giant rabbit wielding an axe came running towards me screaming,

If you don’t get out of here, I’m going to bust you on the head.

Do you agree with me or do I need to persuade you a little more and make you believe that it isn’t cute. People in bunny costumes are scary.

3. The Easter Bunny

I know it’s every parents dream to get a picture of their kid with the Easter Bunny. I am sure my mom did it with me when I was little. Do I remember? No. Maybe I am choosing not to remember. Maybe I blocked out the memory of it from my mind. I hope these kids do the same. None of these Easter Bunny wannabes are cute. They are creepy and you know it. Look at the kids. Those aren’t tears of happiness. They know the truth. They know the bunnies are out to get them. Thank you, Ellen. Thank you for showing the world the real truth behind the Easter Bunny. Click here to see the rest. The Easter Bunny is quite the mystery. When things are mysterious, they become scary. Read these six reasons why he is.

This is the rabbit that I saw at work last week. It was terrifying. It is People were going crazy! They were lining up to get a photo with this creature that crawled out from the bowels of Hell. I swear. This is where the creature is from. Picture yourself in a dark alley. It’s dark out and there is no one around. You’re helpless. You walk and you begin to hear a noise behind you.

hop…hop…hop…

You look over your shoulder and you see it coming. It’s a bunny. He’s walking towards you. His arms extended out. You assume he wants to hug you but you’re wrong. He doesn’t want a hug. He wants to smother you. He wants you to suffocate in his fluffy, white fur. He wants you to gasp for air as he laughs. He laughs as you suffer. You suffer because someone thought bringing in a giant bunny suit would be fun and bring joy to kids and adults alike. Bullocks. Scared the s**t out of me.

WTF!? Still not. Fine. My last attempt.

5. Serial Rabbit 3: Splitting Hares

It’s a movie about a serial killer in a rabbit suit. This is the icing on the cake. This is the topper. This has to be what convinces you that rabbit costumes are scary. I haven’t seen this movie. I doubt I ever will. Wait..you know what? I will. I’ll watch it. Why not. It won’t hurt. Be fun to write a review about another crappy movie. I do it often. But to the movie. What makes this movie awesome is the fact that this is the 3rd one. They made a 3rd one so you have to know the first two were amazing. The movie is simple. Killer dresses up as a bunny and he does what killers do. He kills people. With a bunny outfit and razors for weapons, this bunny is out for blood. No one can stop him, not even the knights of the crusade and they went up against a much smaller bunny!

You excited? You wanna see it!? I do. But this is my final plea to you to come to the understanding that people in bunny costumes are scary. I am scared of any large animal outfit. I am just using bunnies since it’s Easter and bunnies have a connection to Easter. I should be more scared of zombie Jesus but that’s another story.