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} Ahhh - after having to answer two zillion questions about woodchucks,} Lisa and kinky sex, I finally get an interesting one!}} Schroedinger's cat is often described as a thought (Gedanken) experiment} by ignorant authors of physics textbooks. Actually, the cat, being very} real, very much resents being called 'gedanken', and the experiment was} a very real one, too. The true story remains little known, however} (having been hushed up by idol-worshipping later generations of} physicists), so the Oracle is very happy to get the opportunity of} telling it.}} It all happened back in '27 or '28, when Schroedinger, Born, Einstein,} Bohr and some others of that bunch of guys were discussing the} connection of reality and quantum mechanics over some beer. Einstein} had just made his famous exclamation 'Aber der liebe Gott wuerfelt} nicht!' (But the good Lord doesn't play dice!), although he (due to the} large amount of beer ingested) had some difficulty getting the} pronunciation right, and it actually sounded more like 'But a wood gourd} doesn't pay twice', which, of course, is pure nonsense. (Except in the} little-known Uhumba dialect of northern Swaziland, where it actually} means 'A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn' - rather a} remarkable coincidence. But I digress.)}} Bohr maintained that a quantum mechanical system actually is a} superposition of all its possible states, until you make a measurement,} when the system instantly collapses to just one of these states (Since} he had just finished his seventh Carlsberg, he had some difficulty} getting the German syntax right, but never mind, that's what he meant).}} 'Zo you mean zat, for example, zat cat over zere could be, zay, bos} alife and dead at ze zame time?' Einstein retorted}} 'Which off zem do you mean?' asked Born, 'I zee two off zem, and zey} actually are zuperposed (or is it ze beer? Yes, it is ze beer!)'}} 'Nonsense' replied Bohr, 'a cat is not a quatn... quamtun... *quantum*} mechanical system!'}} 'But', said Schroedinger, struck by a thought, 'suppose ve *make* it a} quantum zystem, by haffing a radioactive decay trigger a hammer, that} breaks a cyanide bottle, that kills ze cat, wiss a certain probability!'}} Had the guys been slightly more sober at the moment, they might have let} it rest at that. Now, however, Schroedinger grabbed poor Snurzi (yes,} German cats are called things like that) and put her in a box, while} Bohr ran down to the labs to get some cyanide, some uranium and a geiger} counter. They rapidly connected up the apparatus, switched it on and} went home. The next morning, they reckonned, Schnurzi would be a} quantum mechanical superposition of 50% living cat and 50% dead cat.}} The next morning, when Schroedinger had recovered, he realized what they} had done - as soon as they opened the box, poor Schnurzi's wave function} would collapse into a state where she would be either dead or alive.} Hovewer, to his horror he found that he had put the decimal point wrong,} and that, as soon as they opened the box, they would with a probabilitiy} of 99.5 %, not 50 % find a very dead cat.}} He immediately called his friends and they decided to leave Schnurzi in} the box until Einstein had found out what was wrong with quantum} mechanics. Unfortunately, he never did. All of them also swore solemn} oaths never, never, to do a single experiment again.}} Schnurzi was, by the way, rescued by the net.physics.goddess (although} she, due to the non-existence of Usenet at that time, was only the} physics.goddess) a few days later, made into a cat.physics.martyr, and} is still living in the net.heaven.}}} You owe the Oracle a self-consistent theory of everything (and I mean} *everything*, I want to use it to calculate the cosmological constant as} well as my chances of getting a date with Lisa).

> Oh, most wise and wordy Oracle,>> Why is it that when you are asked the most simple and stupid> easy-to-answer questions, you answer in many pages of boring> text, using up my quota, and boring me half to death!?>> -Jane User

} Jane, you ignorant slut. Asking me why I am so verbose is like} asking Michelangelo why he used so many colors, but being the} brain-dead sleazebag you are, I wouldn'tt put it past you. Not} everyone life can be boiled down to a dollar amount and a time} limit, as yours can. Rather some of us enjoy the fine art of} conversation, and see the merit in concise flowing text, as} opposed to "if you're done then get out, and leave the money} on the table", or other such witticisms fund in your trade.} Jane, everyone has their strong points. My strong point is clear} and enlightening prose, yours is disposal of bodily fluids, so} you don't tell me how to do my job, and I won't tell you how to} do yours (unless you phrase it as a question).}} You owe the Oracle a tape of Poin-Counterpoint from the old} Saturday Night Live

} Ah! I see you're admiring my new hat! I do cut a dashing figure in it} don't I? The}} >message from kinzler!iuvax} >Hey, Oracle! Nice hat! (ppffft!)}} Why thank you, Stephen! Observe the tasteful green fringe, the} exquisitely centered ruby!}} >message from lisa!iuvax} >Oh, Oracle! Your hat is so (pft!) so sexy!}} Oh, Lisa! Do you really mean it?}} >Oh, sure! That orange piping really (haha) really turns me on!} >BWAH-HAHA^C}} Isn't Lisa sweet? But my favorite part is the action scenes from "The} A-Team" all around the rim. Yes, this hat is a keeper!}} >message from barbara!iuvax} >Say, Oracle, can we get a picture of you in your hat for the} >yearbook?}} Certainly! Why, Barbara, are those tears in your eyes?}} >Yeah, (heeheehee) that hat just moves me to tears. (heeheeheehaha)}} Boy, it's great to have friends, isn't it?}} You owe the Oracle some more admiration.

} Tsu-li's favorite student, Jo-nen, came to him one day.} "Tsu-li," he said, "I am leaving tomorrow to visit my family. Do} you have any advice for me before I depart?"} Tsu-li looked at Jo-nen and said, "Don't forget your toothbrush."} In that instant Jo-nen was enlightened.}} Nueh's comment:} Tsu-li was old and stupid. He should not have given Jo-nen such} an easy time of it. Jo-nen would have learned better if Tsu-li had} answered by hitting him with a stick.}} To travel with a toothbrush,} Walk the dusty roads with a comb,} Knowing the true nature of zen} And where your towel is.

> O Mighty Oracle, this question is not for you, but for Barbara. Could> you please forward it to her? (I know you can answer it yourself,> please don't be offended. I would just like to get the answer from> Barbara herself.)>> --cut here------------------------------------------->> Your Divine Suppleness, Dear Barbara,>> I am the one who first made you known in the Oracularities, by asking> about the net.suppleness.goddess. Since then, I have become a great> admirer of you, though I have never seen you. I hope you don't mind> being mentioned in the Oracularities. No, it's not me every time!>> Being the goddess, I am sure you must be cultivating the true, pure> suppleness, untouched by thoughts of sex or other distractions. That> is the job of Lisa, who, as I understand, is also extremely limber.> But she is stiff as compared with you, my lovely Barbara!>> And I want you to know that it is for this that I admire you so much:> You are divinely supple for no other purpose than just being supple.> When you do your contortions, it is simply because you love being> able to do these things with your super-flexible self. It is not only> the unique quality of your suppleness, but also ist natural purity,> that makes you so special.>> I would like to ask you one thing: I suppose you spend a lot of time> practising and exploring new stunning acts to perform and unbelievable> positions to assume (you must have a fantastic repertiore, Barbara!).>> But when you simply want to sit on your sofa reading a good book, or> on cushions on the floor watching TV, how do you sit? I mean, what> positions do you find the most comfortable, when you want to give your> wonderfully supple body in to total relaxation?>> Have a good time, and don't ever let anyone exploit your divine> suppleness for any other purpose. Stay the way you are!>> A good, friendly hug from>> Your great admirer. :-)> ===================>> PS. If you want to know who I am, The Usenet Oracle have my> permission to give you my mail address.> --cut here-------------------------------------------

} Well, well, it appears we have an intellectual in our midst. Belly} button lint not good enough for you, eh? Lisa, the beloved (and} belusted) net.sex.goddess not good enough for you, eh? I suppose you'd} prefer some highbrow, pseudo-intelectual humor?}} Q: How many quarks fit in a shoebox?}} A: All of them, because they have no temporal dimension} therefore take no space at all!}} Oh har, HAR! You dweeby, pencil-neck physics types make me puke!} Normal people LIKE sexually oriented humor, and I pesonally have} the largest bellybutton lint collection in my lodge (Loyal Order} of Oracles local 53272373 -e14), and darn proud of it! Tell you} what, I'll make you a deal. You keep your opinions to yourself} or I'll send out Rocco, the net.kneecap.god to show you what he} does with those kneecaps.}} You owe the Oracle your favorite pocket liner.

} Yes, I could.}} You owe the Oracle two cigarettes and a postage stamp.}}}} Hah! Just kidding! You thought I was sitting here at my Oraclular} terminal, with that smarmy "cooler-than-thou" smirk on my face that} people get when they've just said something that they think is so} extraordinarily clever-clever that they expect you to simply pass} out, right there on the floor, from the shame and degradation of} being a mere mortal in the presence of someone so totally hip, when} in actuality you're facing a losing battle keeping yourself from} beating their ugly zit-covered faces into what you hope will be a} somewhat-less-annoying-looking pulp. You probably thought I was} going to continue by faking a "write" message from Stephen Kinzler} or God or somebody, telling me that I had to go back and fully answer} the question by describing the Midnight Rambler, whereupon I'd bitch} and piss and moan for a little while and then launch into something} even _less_ interesting, probably involving Lisa the net.sex.goddess} and/or a phone call to Hell. But no! Not me! I'm cooler than that!} I don't _do_ irritating cliches like that! I'm not one of those twits} that answer the question, "do you prefer creamy or chunky?" with "yes!"} Nor am I the kind of jerk that corrects the spelling on bathroom walls,} and I'm not one of those obnoxious geeks with halitosis that are so} fond of informing people that the nineties don't actually start until} 1991 so they don't know what all the fuss was about, as if that might} excuse them from their inability to get a date for the 1990 New Years} party. No sir! You should count yourself might lucky, if I do say so} myself, to be receiving an Oracular response from someone as groovy} as I am! Bye now!

> Tell me oh Oracle whose presence spans the universe and beyond, whose> knowledge is infinate, How is it that photons are massless and> yet have an angular momentum and exert a pressure.>> -your humblest of servants-> -john-

} John:}} We regret that the Oracle is in the shower (with Lisa) at the} present moment. However, we have a guest Oracle tonight. Straight from} that newsgroup of the intellegentsia - alt.sex.wanted - we have} BIFF@BIT.NET}} > HEY DOOD WHAZ THE KWESHUN?} >} > O YAH SOMETHIN ABOUT FUTONS AND MASS. HEY DOOD, MY BRO HAS A FUTON,} > AND IT"S MASSIVE. YEA LIKE WE ALL GO TO HIS PLACE AND SIT ON IT AND} > WATCH AEROSMITH ON MTV. AND GUNS N ROSES. YEA DOOD LIKE IT"S TOTALLY} > AWESOME.} >} > DOOD THERE"Z NO PRESSURE TO SIT ON IT. LIKE MY FRIEND JOE WANTS TO SIT} > EVERY TIM ON THE ROKING CHAIR. YEA.} >} > NEX TIME WE GO MY BRO SAID WE CAN HAVE BEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU CAN GO} > TOO.} >} > SO DOOD HANG LOOSE AND ALL. YOUR SOX UNTIED! HAHA MAD YOU LOOK!}} You owe Biff a real life.

} Here's the story from the beginning...}} Lithuania tells Gorbachev, "We want independence. The Americans got} their independence 214 years ago, and their quality of life has been} increasing in leaps and bounds ever since. Heck, Americans don't even} need three forms of I.D. to buy a Mario Bros. II cartridge."}} Gorbachev tells Lithuania, "We're not going to give you your} independence. See, we LIKE you. You're our FRIENDski. And to make} sure you REMAIN our friendski, we're going to place an economic embargo} on you. Have a nice life, Dudeski."}} Now comes the good part...}} Bush tells Quayle, "Dan-o, you're a good man and a good vice president.} Not many presidents ask their vice presidents for their opinions, but} I'm going to ask you for yours. Do you think I should put sanctions on} the Soviet Union after its blockade of Lithuania?"}} Quayle replies, "No, sir. I'd say that you should definitely} not...not...uh....Could you repeat the question?"}} "Do you think I should put sanctions on the Soviet Union after its} blockade of Lithuania?"}} "Oh, right. I'd say that you should definitely not put sanctions on the} Soviets. You see, when the Soviets placed the embargo on Lithuania, the} Lithuanians were so locked out of trade that they couldn't buy any food.} And the only thing that grows naturally in Lithuania is popsicles. So} the Lithuanian government had to impose food rations on the people."}} "So what's your point, Dan?"}} "Well, sir. If we put sanctions on the Soviets, they might embargo} *us*. And if it weren't for the Soviets, where would we sell our} surplus Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle comics?"}} "Gee, I don't know."}} "..and our surplus fluorescent yellow bluejeans?"}} "I'm not sure."}} "...and our extra BROCCOLI???"}} "That's it. It's final! Read my lips: No sanctions against the Soviet} Union for its blockade of Lithuania."}} "Very good, sir."}}} So there you have it. Now you know why the President refuses to put a} sanction on the Soviet Union.}} You owe the Oracle a bottle of borscht.

} O seeker, whose body parts are small, whose feet smell like pig breath,} and whose hair is always greasy and matted,}} You like Unix because, as a child, your father only responded to you} when you made mistakes and your mother laughed at everything you said or} did. Your sister tied your socks together and cut holes in your sheet.}} Now, as an adult, you derive great comfort from using Unix.}} You owe the Oracle a set of finger puppets and a donut.