A Little Wayne Never Hurt Anyone

As much as I enjoy my position as the country`s leading football betting scribe, I occasionally yearn for the more glamorous world of investigative journalism.

When news broke that David Moyes had initiated legal proceedings against Wayne Rooney for alleging that his ex-boss leaked tales of his 'cash for a rash` habit; I sensed my opportunity.

To get to the bottom of the story, I knew I had to do everything that young Rooney did, with the exception of the old trout.

After conducting my initial enquiries, I can confirm that there are establishments that offer this kind of tawdry service, and they open on a Friday night, a Saturday morning and a Sunday afternoon. I`m not sure if these places are open in midweek, but my investigation is ongoing.

At this early stage, I wouldn`t like to put money on Moyes being successful in his action, as my overheads have left me virtually potless. I`ll try to recoup a little by backing Rooney`s United to see off the Moyes boys at 8/11.

It may sound ridiculous to claim that Watford have enjoyed their spell in the top flight, but some people welcome a spanking on a weekly basis. The Hornets will be getting tonked at Bramall Lane this week, 4/7 is lying on the table.

Manchester City haven`t scored a Premiership goal in front of their own supporters since New Years Day. Luckily for the Psycho, Aston Villa are the next visitors to Eastlands so Vassell is guaranteed a goal. The Villa are unbeaten in their last six matches; a draw looks the call at 9/4.

Jose Mourinho believes that Manchester United`s opponents are denied penalties as a result of a 'new rule`. The Special One is completely wrong on this one; that directive was introduced several years ago. I only have one rule this weekend, get on Chelsea at 1/3 to see off Bolton.

If i had to pick Wigan`s most consistent performer, I`d probably plump for the chairman; he`s been consistently wrong in every interview this season. West Ham can drag Wigan into the relegation battle at 12/5.

Charlton have one major advantage over their backdoor threatened rivals, they have the Bent lad up front. The classy hitman can help Charlton leave Ewood Park with a point at 5/2.

I was surprised that the tabloids found it newsworthy to reveal that the royal family are Arsenal fans. I`m pretty sure that Prince Philip supported the Gunners in last season`s Champions League final; I heard he wrote a note saying 'Get it done in Paris.` The Queen`s favourite team will put one over her favourite shopkeeper at 4/9.

Stevie Gerrard swapped shirts with Frank Lampard after Liverpool`s first leg defeat in their Champions League semi; he`s always had a soft spot for camping. The Reds will have one eye on the second leg; Portsmouth can land the upset at 11/4.

Reading were absolutely devastated when Newcastle won from behind at St James` earlier in the season; nobody has regretted losing a lead in such a fashion since Helen Chamberlain`s ex-boyfriend. The Royals can gain revenge at 21/20.

Middlesbrough are having to plan for next season without Mark Viduka. Gareth Southgate is said to be quite disappointed; but it`s Christmas come early for the catering department. Backing the draw between Boro and Spurs at 12/5 will make us all feel that little bit happier.

Portsmouth, Sheffield United, Arsenal and Reading form a 14/1 weekend accer that is so liberating, I`ve finally realised that the female of the species is not a commodity that can be bought and sold. Renting remains a viable alternative.