Published
six times a year by the arch-conservative American Family Association,
this newsletter is designed instead to point out the growing
depravity of our culture and its horrific effects on our nation's
innocents. Besides the predictable news reports ("Society
has declined since prayer was banned from schools," "Daytime
TV wallows in tawdry family perversions"), standard rhetoric
(including an ad hawking Choose Life personal checks), and advertiser
boycotts, the journal documents every example of profanity, sex
and violence the group can find on primetime TV. Because the
editors are preaching to the converted, why do they find it necessary
to record every second of television depravity? Take this typical
entry for Seinfeld: "This repeat episode has dialogue which
focuses on the fact that the major characters have seen each
other naked. Detailed descriptions of sexual organs, both male
and female, are included. On October 13, a major story line features
the kind of underwear Kramer wears and the effect it has on his
genitals." A description of The John Larroquette Show charges
that "bestiality, masturbation, cross-dressing and prostitution
fill the story in this episode. On October 4, John ogles the
centerfold of a porn magazine and a former prostitute proposes
that she and John have a monogamous relationship. 'What does
monogamous mean?' asks John. Other sleaze jokes are about masturbation,
transvestites and genitalia." Certainly there's a lot of
crap on TV, but who's more messed up: The folks who watch it,
or the self-righteous twits who only can see the naughty bits?

Autograph
Research

The insider's
guide to autograph hunting, with notes on how long celebrities
take to respond to your mail requests and what goodies they send
if they do. Also how they behave if approached in public (which
could save you a broken jaw). My favorite part is the section
that charts how much a celebrity's John Hancock jumps in value
after they kick the bucket. For instance, a Betty Davis went
from $25 to $200 after she croaked, and Sammy Davis Jr. zoomed
from $5 to $30. ($2 from 862 Thomas Ave., San Diego, CA 92109-3940)

Since I live
in the city, I ride public buses. I like the drivers who say
hello when you get on and who call out the stops so I can daydream.
After one Saturday afternoon ride to City Newsstand, I found
myself purchasing a copy of Bus World. Published in California,
it's written for the men and women who manage bus routes in cities
around the world. It includes lots of photos of buses and very
few photos of people. It also has tons of news about bus management,
such as the fact that the U.S. Department of Transportation has
ruled that all buses must have antilock brakes by March 1, 1999;
that Washington, D.C., has banned outside bus advertising because
it looks ugly; that Phoenix buses now take credit cards; that
a New York gang is believed to be stealing buses to run illegal
charter services; and that states can charge sales tax even on
the portions of bus trips that take place outside their borders.
The magazine has everything a bus line manager would need to
know. In one section, proud city officials boast about the delivery
of fleets of shiny new vehicles. An article reports that unlicensed
van drivers are "poaching" commuters from the New York
metro service. Another recounted the history of bus service on
the Isle of Man, which currently has 94 buses. A third examined
the dismal finances of D.C.'s Metrobus. The best part of Bus
World is the centerfold of Bus Shots, featuring buses (including
some restored antique coaches) in full color and posed in their
natural habitats. All in all, a smooth ride.

This is one
of my favorite magazines. It's printed on beautiful paper in
rich colors, it's bilingual, it has a global perspective, it's
informative and the photographs are stunning. A lot of people
have criticized Benetton for using controversial images to sell
clothes, but the company does support some compelling journalism.
What other magazine has the guts to illustrate an issue about
war with a full-page color photo of the bloody stumps of a mine
victim? (Hell, some magazines are afraid to even print out swear words.) Each issue features
a theme which is explored by interviewing people around the world.
One early issue dealt with AIDS and included a computer image
of Ronald Reagan with sores covering his face. An accompanying
tongue-in-cheek editorial lauded Reagan, who it said had recently
died of AIDS, for his lifelong devotion to battling the disease.
Another issue covered heaven. It contained an essay on placebos
and thoughts on the question, "What is heaven?" ("Nobody
starves to death," "Vladimir and I would get back together,"
"Getting drunk and waking up feeling great."). The
back of the magazine provides context and resources. The magazine
is available at larger bookstores, Tower Records or Benetton.
Subscriptions are about $50 annually to the U.S. Write
Colors for info, or download a subscription form from its
website.

Flying Saucer
Attack

Jerome Gaynor
of Funkapotamus
asked 40 artists to depict the last hours on earth before human
life is destroyed by an invading alien force. The two dozen artists
who responded were asked to include "cool drawings of burning
cities and dead humans." They lived up to the task in this
80-page packet of mayhem. Jerome was looking for "spooky
chaos" and he got it  all of the stories are great
and some are fantastic (Jeff Zenick's The Triumph of Death is
my favorite). Each story manages to demonstrate the defiance
that would certainly be part of the last moments of a proud,
stubborn, dopey human race. Another great thing is that the aliens
always win, so there are no last-minute negotiations or heroics
to save the children and puppies. It's dark and light all at
once. What I liked best of all is that the aliens come off as
assholes no matter how they're drawn, and they are assholes for
not giving us a fair fight. ($5 from P.O. Box 63207, St. Louis,
MO 63163)

Food Insects Newsletter

Published
by the Department of Entomology at the University of Wisconsin,
this crunchy newsletter discusses the art and science of eating
bugs. Millions of people do  lots of protein  and
they love to share recipes. The newsletter covers such topics
as bug eating in Uganda, methods of cooking stick insects, a
case study of an allergic reaction to grasshopper, an article
about efforts to save the delicate mopane worm in South Africa,
and a report from the second annual Mosquito Cook-Off in Arkansas,
where Larry Clifford took top honors for his mosquito cookies."The recipe
calls for crushing the live insects lightly to keep them from
flying, then pouring a mixture of brown sugar and syrup over
them before boiling," the newsletter reports. "The
boiling seasons the critters and rids them of bacteria. The batch
is then dried and cut into small chips to be added to regular
cookie dough. 'It tasted good,' said Randy Cross, 20, of Walcott.
'You couldn't taste the mosquitoes at all.' " A Charles
Garth of New York calls for recipes in which insects, worms or
snails are the featured ingredient. The only problem I see with
eating insects is that they're hard to catch while I'm watching
TV. ($5 from Department of Entomology, 324 Leon Johnson Hall,
Montana State University, Bozeman, MT 59717). For more, see the
Tasty Insect Recipes site or books such as Man Eating Bugs
(cover, above right) andCreepy Crawly Cuisine.

God's Quiet Voice: John's Dilemma

This is a
cheesy comic book published by the American Family Association,
the same would-be censors who bring you the AFA Journal (above).
Drawn by Chuck McIntosh, whose work looks as if he just graduated
from a "So You Want to Be a Cartoonist"course,
it tells the tale of John Wright, a teenager who is confronted
by the evils of nudie magazines. John and his buddy Neal find
a magazine called Girls in a neighbor's trash. Neal's response
is the all-natural "Whoa! Check this out!," while John
hears a voice in his head that anyone but a fundamentalist Christian
would consider a sign of mental illness. It's supposed to be
God speaking directly to John, telling him, "Don't look
at this." After the kids on the bus tease John for not wanting
to see the nekked ladies, the voice tells him to talk to someone
about his problem (in the next panel, like an automaton, he says
aloud, "I need to talk to someone about this"). John's
pastor advises the confused young man to "make the Godly
choice. Jesus would have been upset if you had looked at that
magazine." John saves his soul by proclaiming "I don't
want to do anything to upset Jesus, 'cause he died on the cross
to forgive me of my sins!" God's quiet voice then tells
John to ask the pastor about TV and movies. "Is watching
TV shows with bad parts in them the same as looking at magazines
with bad pictures in them?" Reverend Sam explains that it
is, then sends John off with this inspired blessing: "May
the Lord protect you from all that bad stuff, John." That
night, John and his parents are watching TV when John asks, "Are
we gonna watch this show, Dad? I saw a commercial for it and
it has dirty parts in it." Pop responds by clicking off
the TV and exclaiming, "No, we aren't! I don't think Jesus
would like that, do you John?" They decide to invite John's
buddy Neal over for some Bible reading (if I had drawn this comic,
Neal would respond, "Can I bring my magazine?"). The
comic ends with a contract for students to sign: "I promise
not to look at dirty magazines or watch dirty shows on television
because God's Quiet Voice tells me it is wrong." Hey kids:
That's not God's voice, that's the voice of repression. It will
fuck you up. I feel sorry for the many teens who will someday
have the urge to masturbate or explore their sexuality and feel
more anguish than any time in their lives because some moron
told them it was "dirty." This simplistic tale is an
amazing example of twisted Christian propaganda that's worth
having in your collection. ($2 from AFA, P.O. Drawer 24440, Tupelo,
MS 38803)

The Last
News

A religious
tract that purports to be a newspaper from the day Christ returns.
First, the "playful, sensual world" will be shocked
by the sudden disappearance of the many good Christians who were
taken up to Heaven, leaving behind all the Buddhists and Hindus
and couples living together who aren't married. I love the creative
use of stock photos: One shows an empty airport ticket counter
with the caption explaining that it's deserted but for the attendants
because "all travel came to a halt last night." Then
why are the attendants there? Inside there's a photo of a woman
screaming and the caption, "Denver mother screams for her
child." Why Denver? The back page has a black-and-white
photo of the moon with the explanation, "A spokesman for
a nearby observatory said that the recent red color of the moon
may be explained by Act 2:20." If all the Christians went
to heaven, who put this newspaper together? (Gospel Tract Society,
P.O. Box 1118, Independent, MO 64051)

Where else
are you going to find an Elvis collage T-shirt ("cut a bit
smaller and shorter than traditional t-shirts"), a love
voodoo book and doll, a Rubik's cube that looks like Homer Simpson's
head, a Play the Piano Overnight instruction booklet, a George
Bush bobble-head, a green baseball cap that plays When Irish
Eyes are Smiling, a "remote control fart machine,"
the kung fu hamster, a talking toliet soap dispenser, Billy Bob
fake teeth, a mullet or afro wig, a green M&M costume, a
pink poodle skirt, Three Stooges boxer shorts or and an "entertaining
collection of train videos"? Why from Betty, of course!

In my continuing
search for the best sexual fetishes, I stumbled across this,
a newsletter for people who like to see women covered with paint,
mud or even condiments. This issue includes a run-down of recent
movie scenes where actresses get soaked (a favorite seems to
be Forrest Gump's love interest Jenny getting drenched in the
rain) and porn movies created with the messy fetishist in mind.
What is messy porn like? Editor Rob Blaine describes one video
called Desperately Soaking Susan, then in production: "One
of the scenes shows a 16-girl wedding reception that ends in
the swimming pool  complete with a four-girl dance troupe
who pirouetted into the water." Rob kindly sent me a sample
video  five vignettes where women climb out of bed only
to discover they've slept in chocolate, have cat fights in pie
shops and take long leisurely swims. The pie thing was fun, but
I didn't get turned on, I didn't get turned on, I didn't get
turned on.... (age statement and $2 to P.O. Box 181030, Austin,
Texas 78718)

Quarterly
Review of Doublespeak

Sadly, this
great newsletter is no long published, but you can still find
remnants such as the list of winners of its annual
doublespeak award (the first was Colonel David H. E. Opfer,
USAF Press Officer in Cambodia, who told reporters after a U.S.
bombing raid: "You always write it's bombing, bombing, bombing.
It's not bombing! It's air support!"). Edited for many years
by straight talker William Lutz, this newsletter documented the
use of creative euphemisms by politicians, public officials and
other people with something to hide. Readers submitted news reports
that include doublespeak, and there were always plenty of examples.
A Canadian military spokesman calls a helicopter crash a "departure
from normal flight." The National Agricultural Chemical
Association changes its name to the American Crop Protection
Association. Soap dispensers become "hand cleansing systems."
Logging companies no longer "bulldoze," they "access
timber." O.J.'s defense team uses the term "marital
discord" instead of wife-beating. The U.N. sends troops
for "armed humanitarian interventions." The University
of California at Berkeley now has a "department of human
biodynamics" (formerly physical education). Prostitutes
are "commercial sex workers." A Washington middle school
calls its hallways "behavior transition corridors."
Belts are made of "genuine simulated leather." You
can find more of these examples in Lutz' book The New Doublespeak
andDoublespeak Defined,
a similar book called Weasel Words: The
Dictionary of American Doublespeak and at sites such as American
Newspeak (which is also a book).

Sweepsheet

Each day,
while you toil for a living, someone wins a sweeps. According
to the reports included in Sweepsheet, they may be working harder
than you for less. Each week, Sweepsheet and a handful of other
newsletters chronicle dozens of contests sponsored by companies
as promotional gimmicks. The readers of these newsletters enter
early and often. They mostly win stuff like mugs and T-shirts,
and according to the etiquette of sweeps, all prizes must either
be used or given away. Pity their grandchildren. This issue starts
off with an interview with Char Mycynek of Wisconsin, who started
"sweeping" 20 years ago, and she's not talking about
her floors. Her first wins were a T-shirt and a can of Alpo dog
food. In 1995 she won three trips  to California, the Bahamas
and Walt Disney World. Not bad! She's also won a color TV, a
$500 shopping spree, a $200 record store certificate, clock radios,
a backyard gym set, a leather jacket, Olympic sweat clothes,
compact discs, videos, caps, coolers and backpacks. Can you imagine
the junk mail lists this woman must be on? (Although maybe being
on every list in America cancels your name out.) Char's strategy
is to enter everything and religiously follow the arcane rules
the companies print on the back of the forms. She sends as many
as a dozen entries to contests that allow it. With local contests,
she might toss in 50. There's also a science as to which color
envelopes to use, although contest managers insist it doesn't
matter and that the people drawing the entries out of the bin
are trained to be impartial. Char also folds her entries in certain
ways so that they spread out and have a better chance of being
drawn. When sweeps call for "one per person," she enters
family members. Her frustrations are not hearing about sweeps
or being able to find the official entry forms. But Patience,
Persistence and Postage pay off  that's her motto. The
rest of Sweepsheet is a list of contests from around the country,
with rules and info on how to enter. In most you can send a 3x5
index card with your name and address printed in block letters.
That is followed by an accounting of recent wins by subscribers,
down to the tackiest knapsack or ashtray. I suspect that sweeping
is much like couponing  it's not that you save money or
win much of anything (although three trips in a year isn't bad),
it's the challenge of taking something back from the corporate
kings who squeeze us dry. ($1 from 262 Hawthorn, #329, Vernon
Hills, IL 60061)

VIZ Comic

I came across
this bawdy title while living in London, and now I'm hooked.
It's filled with fart, vomit and sex jokes for the mature reader.
Most of the magazine consists of page-long cartoons featuring
a variety of unappealing but riotous characters who come and
go with each issue: Felix and His Amazing Underpants; The Fat
Slags (two rude, overweight scamps who always get laid in the
end); Roger Mellie, the Man on the Telly (a nomad talk show host
who's always saying the darndest crudities at the most inopportune
times); and Yankee Dougal (a young boy who thinks he's an American,
says "Aw shucks" and "Gee whiz," asks for
root beer at tea time and wears Mickey Mouse ears). Many newsstands
in the States sell current issues, which go for $3.95, or check
its web site.
While you're there, order either of the two volumes of Top Tips
collections. They include helpful hints sent in by readers, including
two I sent along:

Clean the
inside of your compact disc player by dipping your CDs into hot
sudsy water and playing them immediately. As they spin, they
will spray the water throughout the inside of your console! Repeat
with cold water to rinse.

While driving,
if you see someone pulled over to the side of road by a traffic
officer, accelerate past at a high rate of speed blowing your
horn and making an obscene gesture so that the officer will be
preoccupied as he jumps in his vehicle to give chase. This may
well save your fellow driver an expensive ticket!

Here are
other favorites:

Avoid having
your wheels clamped for overdue tickets by jacking your car up,
removing the wheels and locking them safely in the trunk until
you return.

Repainting
your car? Cover it with Saran-Wrap first. If you don't like the
new color, simply peel it off.

Child-proof
cactus plants by removing all the spines with a pair of tweezers.

Do you wear
glasses? Enjoy foreign language films without the bothersome
subtitles by sticking a brown piece of tape across the lower
half of your lenses.

Make your
own tea bags by pouring tea into an After Eight mint envelope
and stapling it closed. Then puncture the sides 2000 times with
a pin.

Parking
problems? Tie a balloon to the bumper of your car, and tape a
pin to the rear wall of your garage. When you hear the balloon
burst, apply the brakes.

Don't waste
money on expensive toilet fresheners. Simply hang herbal tea
bags over the rim of the loo, and every time you flush 
presto!  your toilet fills with lovely tea.

Foil fiddling
taxi drivers by taking photographs of street signs as you pass
them. At the end of your journey, you can confront him with evidence
if he has taken an unnecessarily long route.

Stereo too
loud? Simply place the speakers inside a cupboard. The volume
can then effectively be controlled by opening and closing the
cupboard doors.

Calculate
the age of antique tables by sawing off one of the legs and counting
the number of rings in the woodgrain.