Friday, January 23, 2004

About a Jon:

Unlike most people, when Jon and I sit down to have a "talk", things somehow end up more complicated and confusing than they were prior to the "talk". And that's where I am today, the day after, a "talk", confused and over-whelmed with a feeling of things being too complicated. I have that regretable feeling I should have left right after Seabiscuit instead of laying on his bed at 2something in the morning congratulating him on avoiding the "talk" I had gone over there to have. The companionship was great, his dog always a hoot, and the movie heartwarming; it was enough to leave with satisfaction and happily re-visit in a week or so but after an email like the one I had sent him Sunday night, how could that be?!? I was hoping he would tell me to be patient, that even though things are f'ed up right now, he can't shake the feeling that loosing me would be the worse thing imaginable, and that he treasured my devoution and cherishes every memory made with me. At which point I was hoping to tell him; he is worth the gamble and off course i'd be patient but I just need to be given a little confidence from time to time, that I was sorry for not putting my money where my mouth is and not only not allowing but provoking my lips to snuggle down to his belly button lavishing it with soft kisses and then to the inside of his arms and his neck and the part of his temple were the hair curls around his ear; that this would be a great time for us to build a true friendship because i'm not ready to be in a relationship with him for variuos reasons but that I just can't imagine dismissing him either; and that off course I treasured and cherished him too. But after my remark as to his cunning avoidance skills, the avalanche began to tumble and with each spin it gained more speed and sparatic debris. A hour and a half later I was in my car: cold, the gas tank light flashing a bright orange E, the BBC drowning the noise of 60mph wind hitting the crack in my window caused by old cigarette butts placed there until proper disposal could be made, and my thoughts; tossing and tumbling, re-evaluting and analyzing, is there more to what he's letting him see and believe or am I just not wanting to let go?!? I can't get over the loop holes, those things that make you doubt if someone is being honest with you before they've been honest with themselves and why would someone not be honest with themselves unless maybe it meant that would entail them having to allow themselves to be vulnerable again, to put hope in something and take that chance for it to end like all the other ones did, to feel like a disappointment, or to have an excuse for motivation. Sadly, i've been incredibly self absorbed lately, i've forgotten to make It about others and not about myself, last night that hit me-this isn't meant to be about me but about the Boy and I have to lay down my expectations and hopes inexchange for what he needs....., regardless. There is a reason that Jon is still in my life, and until that reason reaches it's season i'll be happy to lend my heart, my prayers and Thursday nights for his dispose.