collective thoughts in my last days of childhood.

I hope this does not sound like just another rant. I’m not ranting. I do believe that the universe is plotting against me to teach me a lesson, but what that lesson is only god knows.

Wait.

There is no god & this is not a rant.

I find myself at a crossroads in my life. It’s not quite a midlife crisis but it’s become clear to me that the moments are here where life altering decisions need to take place. These decisions always seem larger before you make them, I know, and hindsight is 20-20 but it’s always hard making such large choices that affect other people besides yourself. I’m going to take the selfish fork in the road.

My friends are resigning from their chosen careers & friends are “giving away” their business’ in order to choose “life” and “lifestyle” over stress, money, ego’s and fast cars. Why is it so obvious to us that the lifestyle choice is the right choice but making it is so logically wrong? I am tired of the same stresses, the same aggravations and the same discussions over & over, day in and day out. The time, my friends, has come. No more guilt. No more responsibility to people that have chosen their own paths in their own lives.

I am almost 36 and that’s a big number in the larger scheme of things. I look at what I’ve achieved and I’m happy with the accomplishments but now it’s time to make that decision that will stop the grey hairs, the stress balding and the teeth grinding of my late 20’s and early 30’s. Maybe this is my chance at the “eat, pray, love” that is needed in everyone’s lives at some point. To go away, re-invent myself and present the new me to the world I want. I know what I don’t want and I don’t want what I have. I’m not stupid, I know what I have is often un-achievable in one lifetime and I’ve done it in half. The chances of such success twice in a life are slim, but it’s not that kind of success I’m now chasing. I want time, freedom of choice and less road rage. I want late mornings, afternoon naps and meetings at odd hours with interesting people, discussing creative ideas and visions. I want to help those making the mistakes I have made and I want more.

I want. I want. I want.

And why not?I deserve it. We all deserve it. It’s a cliché but life is there to be taken and life is short. I just need to look at my tattoo to remind myself that we are all dying and we are all living, but some of us are living full lives, while some of us are merely surviving. So this is not some lame-ass new year’s resolution. I don’t wanna run a marathon. I don’t wanna lose weight or stop smoking. I certainly don’t want a Porsche. I want to be happy. I know what it will take but I don’t know the exact route to get there. I am picking a road and sticking to it.

36 my friends. 36.

Ps. Large overpriced gifts are welcome. Maybe group together and buy me a large fuck-off present. Or an ipad.