A Mess to a Messagehttps://standingcourageous.org
My Journey of Recovery and a New Life in ChristMon, 20 Nov 2017 20:18:15 +0000enhourly1http://wordpress.com/https://standingcourageousdotorg.files.wordpress.com/2016/01/img_3320-2015_12_31-23_30_48-utc.jpg?w=32A Mess to a Messagehttps://standingcourageous.org
3232Moments…https://standingcourageous.org/2017/10/17/moments/
https://standingcourageous.org/2017/10/17/moments/#respondTue, 17 Oct 2017 13:10:41 +0000http://standingcourageous.org/?p=810Continue reading]]>Moments

There are these small tidbits of time called moments. At times, these small moments can be so powerful that they mark your life. There is a before and an after but it will never be the same. I would suppose some people would say you could read into any moment of your life but there are some moments and chance meetings that are just too bizarre to not be divinely appointed. Those moments are what I personally call “God Winks”.

I would like to tell you about a few moments of my life that have happened over the past few months but first, let me sum up the first 43 years of my life to this point. It is said that home is where the heart is. This week I will turn 44 and have never known a “home”. I have lived through physical, verbal, emotional, financial, and sexual abuse my whole life. I have battled with my weight, insecurity, low self-esteem, depression, alcoholism, and attempted suicide. I was raised going to a parochial school and believed that I was a good Christian. I married a man and pulled away from my family and my faith. That marriage ended after about 10 years. After a string of failed relationships, I met someone at work who went to Cedar Creek church at the main campus. We dated and I started going to church with him. I loved that church and couldn’t wait to go each week. He slowly changed and then one day he became abusive. He tried to kill me one night. It was that night that I blamed God and turned my back on him again. It would be years before I would step back in a church again. In those years, I drank. If I wasn’t at work, I was drinking till I blacked out. I serial dated abusive men and attempted suicide. I was in the darkest of places and couldn’t seem to get out of it.

After about 7 years of my life being a complete mess, a friend asked me to go to church with her. She went to the Cedar Creek Whitehouse Campus. I made excuses for weeks and weeks. One night, she invited me out for dinner. We pulled into the church parking lot and she asked me to please join her. I did and it changed my life. Ben Snyder spoke that day and I cried almost the whole service. I can’t even tell you why, I just did. Each time I went to that church, I cried. Then on October 26th, 2013, I went up after the service and asked for prayer. I felt so broken. I moved away shortly after that service. I knew things needed to change and that I needed to remove myself from my current situations to change them. I learned about myself while I was gone.

I moved back to Northwest Ohio in the summer of 2015. I started a nonprofit that deals with domestic violence and sexual assault. I would go to Cedar Creek from time to time but was making excuses of work or that I was afraid to run into my ex. This is where my “moments” began. I went to a series called “The Great Adventure”, Ben Snyder spoke on guarding your heart. I cried yet again. Every time I would go to church there, I would have this heaviness in my heart and be filled with enormous sadness, or so I thought. I usually watch the services online but would attend time to time.

I met someone who went to the main campus of Cedar Creek. I decided to join him one Sunday. It was the beginning of the “God Is” series. Ben Snyder spoke about realizing who God is means I am never alone. I have had some very dark places in my life. I have often felt that I am not worthy of God’s love. I have listened to Ben speak several times but this service felt like he was talking right to me. Dr Calvin Sweeney spoke that when you realize who God is, you can face all things. He told a personal story and talked about completely giving it to God. His messaged runs through my head over and over. He demonstrated by leaning on the podium that there are different ways to give it to God. You can “lean” on him or you can truly lean on him. When I find myself not trusting myself to give it to God, I can close my eyes and see him standing up there completely leaning on the podium. Lastly, Tom Martin spoke about God being merciful and about moving on. There are so many people that have hurt me through the years. I have been led to a path of helping others. When Tom shared his story about being led to a pastor role at Cedar Creek and his family’s reactions, it spoke to me. I have been told that God does callings but have never really believed it. It was in his message that my eyes were opened to what God is calling on me to do. It was in his message that I realized that step one was forgiveness and moving on past the hurts. Through those three men, God changed me. I felt like each one of those messages were meant directly for me. Those were the three most life changing services I had ever listened to. It was that series that led me to the recovery program. I also joined a Life Group that has an amazing group of women who give me a model of the type of woman I want to become.

So here it is, three months later. I go to the same service each Sunday, am still attending the recovery program, and my Life Group. You see, for the first time in 43 years, I have a sense of home. My heart is at church and recovery. Although the people who serve at church don’t realize it, they are in many ways, my family. I walk into church and see the same people greeting. They shake my hand and smile; their actions often brighten my day. I expect to see them there and miss them when they are not. There is a certain man who serves that I absolutely love seeing. He gives me motivation. His smile and attitude is contagious. His name is Ray and last Friday at recovery, I thanked him for what he does for me each Sunday at church. This past Sunday, I walked up and hugged him. I can’t even tell you how much that means to me. It is the same with recovery. I listen to Dave each week and am inspired by him and those who share their testimonies. The people who serve at the check in, greeting, and other places have become like family as well. I have recently started volunteering at Recovery. It is not just a want, it is a need. Dave often says, “good evening family”. Little does he know, that “family” is the first place I have ever felt like home. That spot that I once thought was filled with sadness is now filled with hope, happiness, and the pursuit of a relationship with God.

Moments…. I believe you will not realize the magnitude your actions have on other lives and that sometimes the moments we give to others change the course of someone else’s fate.

In closing, I hope you remember this; The Power of One, don’t fall for that lie that one person cannot make a difference. As much as I love coming to Cedar Creek for the music and message, it is often those of you that shake my hand, smile, and say good morning/evening, or that give a much-needed hug that make me feel at home. In some ways, it is like each moment of kindness bestowed on me from each of you replaces a dark moment from my past. So, it is to each of you that I say, God bless you and thank you for all the “moments” from the bottom of my heart.

]]>https://standingcourageous.org/2017/10/17/moments/feed/0redesigningme17Recoveryhttps://standingcourageous.org/2017/10/12/recovery/
https://standingcourageous.org/2017/10/12/recovery/#respondThu, 12 Oct 2017 16:01:57 +0000http://standingcourageous.org/?p=805Continue reading]]>All alone I sit and cry
Watching the world slip on by
I hate that girl in the mirror
Scared, lonely, full of fear
People look and see my mask
Keeping the façade is such a task
Smiles, laughter, and I’m just doing fine
It’s easy to keep up all the time
They say she’s pretty, passionate, and smart
Little do they know I’m falling apart
In the quiet times his voice haunts me
Abuse that leaves marks you cannot see
To ease the pain, I drank a lot
So many nights I have forgot
It was my innocence that he stole
A silent storm brewed in my soul
Farewell my friends, I surrender the fight
I attempted to end it all that night
But God showed mercy and His grace
Leading me to people of Faith
Only He knows his plans for me
But “God Winks” are what I see
It’s a different girl now in the mirror
No longer sad and full of fear
A good foundation, sponsor, and friends
It’s a way to heal and make amends
Building a relationship between God and me
To do inventory and take accountability
People who inspire, encourage, and pray
To praise together and help lead the way
I look forward to Friday nights you see
That’s where I found the path to recovery.
If you ever find yourself in a spot like mine
I hope you remember this personal rhyme
Because with open arms they will greet you
And help guide you to recovery too]]>https://standingcourageous.org/2017/10/12/recovery/feed/0redesigningme17Signs From Abovehttps://standingcourageous.org/2017/07/22/signs-from-above/
https://standingcourageous.org/2017/07/22/signs-from-above/#respondSat, 22 Jul 2017 12:43:24 +0000http://standingcourageous.org/?p=733Continue reading]]> Today is a new day. It’s funny how life works out sometimes. More than that, it’s completely amazing how God works in my life. When I was at church on Sunday, the message felt like it was talking to me. It has bothered me all week. I haven’t been doing my battles in my war room like I should. I haven’t been putting my worries in God’s hands like I should. I went to the Basilica and the shrine for the Our Lady of Consolation this week. I felt that God was giving me another tap on the shoulder. I even had a little visit from my maternal grandma while I was there. Do you think I listen, nope?

I have been frustrated lately. We received the keys to our first office for Standing Courageous June 1st. Guess what, it’s July 22 and we have done absolutely nothing with it. I haven’t had time. I had been praying for more time so that I can work in the office more. I’ve been praying for people to have time to help me as well. Here is the thing I need to come to terms with, God doesn’t our answer our prayers by giving us what we want, he gives us what we need. Yesterday, I was supposed to go to the lake for a weekend getaway. I wanted and needed that time away, or so I thought. My friend messaged me and said she wouldn’t be able to go till later. At that point, I didn’t even want to go up. By the time we would be leaving it would be late so I just stayed home.

I worked on Standing Courageous stuff all afternoon. I started going through my email and saw an invite to a recovery group through the church I had expressed interest in. I had this feeling in my gut that I should go and I did. God meant for me to be there, I am one hundred percent sure on that. I listened to a testimony from someone who had a life that mirrored my own. I met a few people who welcomed me with open arms. As much as I wanted to go to the lake for a weekend getaway, I needed this more. My prayers were answered, just not how I wanted them to be. Instead of going to the lake, my friend and I are working on Standing Courageous stuff. As for me, I hear God loud and clear for once. I am putting my faith in him that he has closed a door to me twice so I will quit knocking.

I opened up my Facebook a few moments ago. My time hop had three posts that were messages to me: 1. A pic of a man and God. The quotes on it said “Don’t give up. I am still working on you. God. 2. A pic of a single daisy in the middle of a crowd. The quote says, “Stand up for what you believe in, even if it means standing alone. 3. A post written by me from 7 years ago that says, “is thinking about going back to school. I think I would really like to go to Law school. I wonder if I could do it working full time? I have always wanted to be a lawyer and I would love to help DV victims.” Well, well, well… I started my criminal justice degree and I started Standing Courageous but haven’t had the time to work on either. God has made sure I have the time now. I guess it’s time to go after what I have always wanted.

]]>https://standingcourageous.org/2017/07/22/signs-from-above/feed/0redesigningme17Living, Loving, and Making it Counthttps://standingcourageous.org/2017/07/20/living-loving-and-making-it-count/
https://standingcourageous.org/2017/07/20/living-loving-and-making-it-count/#respondThu, 20 Jul 2017 15:40:00 +0000http://standingcourageous.org/?p=708Continue reading]]>There are days that mark our lives. They are the days when you realize that nothing will ever be the same and time is divided into two parts, before this and after this. The last 24 hours has been one of those days for me.

At church this last weekend, it was said you have to put all your trust in God and let him be your strength. You have to be committed to him. I have failed at that commitment lately and today that changes.

My new cover photo sums up things, “Did I live? Did I love? Did I matter?” My answer is no. I have a new plan and this time, I’m not doing it alone. Here’s to living, loving, and making my life matter.

It has been 10 years, 11 months, and 7 days since you changed my life forever. 10 years ago, I had no idea how I would ever move on or live a normal life again. This morning in my living room, I fell to my knees and I cried. I bowed my head and thanked God for that night. You see, you’re in the big city newspaper today. You lost control while intoxicated and once again are facing felony charges. I read a story this morning about you and there is a picture of you – I stared at your picture for a while. I see familiar eyes that haven’t changed a bit and show nothing but hate. I used to think those eyes were about me. I’ve learned differently since then. You never hated me, you hated yourself. The only reason you ever thought you hated me was because I saw the real you. Today, I read that you showed the real you once again. I hope this time, the courts see it too. I hope that everyone else can see that behind those eyes lives a monster contained by it’s abuse on others and that every once in a while alcohol sets that monster free.

In 3 hours and 15 minutes, I get to go pick up the keys to an office. It is the first official office for my nonprofit called Standing Courageous. The name comes from the bible verse, 1 Corinthians 16:13 Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.I started the nonprofit to help educated medical professionals, law enforcement, legal professionals, and the general public about strangulation, malignant narcissists, and conditioned victims. I vowed to do my part to make sure what happened to me doesn’t happen to others. I have suffered long term affects from what happened that night. I have been diagnosed with traumatic brain injury. I am committed to making sure medical personnel understand the mental and physical consequences of domestic abuse and strangulation. I am devoted to changing social stigmas against victims and to make sure that the public knows abusers like you don’t wear signs that announce who you really are. I am dedicated to doing my part to make sure law enforcement, judges, attorneys, prosecutors, and all people involved in the legal system understand the dangers of letting people like you go free. I want people to understand that abusers like you are 75% likely to abuse again. That abusers like you make up 57% of the mass shooters in America. The article says you held a gun out at others, that you fired your gun, you could have easily become one of those statistics. We here in Northwest Ohio could have had a mass shooting event but we didn’t. It sounds like you didn’t physically harm anyone, this time. I will thank you for that.

So here is where I thank you. Thank you for choosing me back then. I am strong, I am courageous, and I have survived. I will continue to share my story. You are nothing more than a reminder now. Albert Einstein said “The world will not be destroyed by those who do evil, but by those who watch them without doing anything.” I am silent no more. I will no longer do nothing. I will be the change.

This is where I thank God. I thank God for giving me healing and strength. I thank God for letting me be a voice. I thank God for those who believed in me and for those who saw in you what I did. I thank God for my board members and all those who support Standing Courageous. Today, I thank God for the quote “The Power of One. Don’t fall for the lie that one person cannot make a difference. All powerful movements began with the actions of individuals striving for change. Your actions count. Be the change. ” I live my life by God and that quote now.

Today, I cried because this weekend when you set your monster free again, you raised your hand publicly and said, “Paula wasn’t lying. I am the danger she warns about”

]]>https://standingcourageous.org/2017/06/01/an-open-letter-to-the-man-who-abused-me/feed/1redesigningme17The Battle Between My Mind, Body, and Moving on After Abusehttps://standingcourageous.org/2017/05/27/the-battle-between-my-mind-body-and-moving-on-after-abuse/
https://standingcourageous.org/2017/05/27/the-battle-between-my-mind-body-and-moving-on-after-abuse/#commentsSat, 27 May 2017 22:27:02 +0000http://standingcourageous.org/?p=404Continue reading]]>Today at work, I was yelled at by a patient. He was an older male with a deep and commanding voice. It started with just a few sentences that were questioning at first. Then he moved on and started blaming and ridiculing. He ended with raising his voice and being blatantly disrespectful. The whole transaction took only a minute or two. In those few moments, my body remembered what my mind has been fighting to forget, that I was abused. In those few short moments of that man yelling at me: I could feel my heart start thumping in my chest, my forehead, neck, and back started sweating, I started getting the feeling that I was going to throw up, and every muscle in my body tensed up. It was almost painful. No wait, it was painful. I started to cry.

I headed to our break room and the tears just started pouring down my face. I couldn’t decided what emotion to feel because they just kept coming and going: anger, fear, hurt, embarrassment, and the list goes on. From the outside, I am sure it looked like I am just a really sensitive woman who gets my feelings hurt easily. On the inside, it’s a whole different story. For anyone who knows me well, I am not the type to take that type of treatment. I will usually give it right back or stop it before it even gets started. I couldn’t speak back to him. My voice cracked when I tried.

I have shared my story of abuse several times publicly. I started a nonprofit to help educate others about domestic violence and strangulation so they can better assist victims and survivors. I have went to years of counseling and support groups. My mind knows right from wrong in relationships now. If anything, I have went to far the other way, I am the first one to run at the sign of a red flag. I was diagnosed with complex post traumatic stress disorder and I was not happy when that happened. I fought it hard and raised a fit about having it in my chart. I didn’t want something that officially said that man (my abuser) had broken me or that I had given him the power to do so.

I don’t know about other survivors but my battle with recovery is almost daily. It is the little things that catch me off guard. I went out to dinner recently and a man placed his hand on my back. It is something that while I sit here typing this, I know was respectful and innocent. When it happened my back muscles tensed up and I started that same nauseating and sweaty feeling. It is the feeling I have become to despise. From time to time, I will see someone who looks just like him. I will get a panic feeling and I can’t move. Those times are few and far between though thankfully.

From the outside, people tell me I am brave. If they only knew the truth. My mind has moved on. It is ready for the future and has forgiven past hurts. I don’t understand why my body can’t do the same. I know my counselor told me that my body most likely will never forget. I remember the first time we talked about it years ago, I said to her, “I refuse to let that happen”. She was right and today on my ride home from work, I cried. Actually, I straight up bawled. I excepted what she said on that ride home. It is part of me but it does not define me.

My friendships have changed a lot over the last two years. I have people who have accepted the parts of me that I try to hide, some probably better than I could ever accept myself. I have also lost friends who weren’t understanding. I have tried to hide that I am still affected by what happened to me and I will not let that happen anymore. I am not defined by my past. It was a life lesson, not a life sentence.

Today was a day of freedom for me. I will accept that my body remembers and stop trying to hide it. After all, the mind has a way to protect itself during abuse, the body does not. I have been very adamant about staying in my safe zones because I am afraid of my body remembering something in public and being embarrassed. There is nothing wrong with my scars and I know that. The only opinion of me that matters is my own. Here is to standing courageous and moving on. Today, I thank God for my strengths and my weaknesses. It is the emotions that I feel that remind me I am alive and I am thankful for that.

]]>https://standingcourageous.org/2017/05/27/the-battle-between-my-mind-body-and-moving-on-after-abuse/feed/1redesigningme17IMG_1395IMG_1313IMG_1317Perpectivehttps://standingcourageous.org/2017/04/15/perpective/
https://standingcourageous.org/2017/04/15/perpective/#respondSat, 15 Apr 2017 16:40:28 +0000http://standingcourageous.org/?p=400Continue reading]]>I want to share something with each of you that happened to me last week in class.There are a lot of people in my class going though all kinds of life drama.Our amazing instructor put life in perspective for us all by doing an exercise.We were told to write down ten things that made our lives count and that were the most important to us.Here is what mine were:

1.My Faith in God

2.My son

3.My family

4.My strength to tell my story to help others

5.My non-profit Standing Courageous

6.My dog

7.The Standing Courageous Coalition

8.The ability to be a motivational speaker

9.The compassion to love jobs which serve others

10.My boyfriend

That are the things that make my life worth living.I love helping others and can’t imagine any other life.So, the next thing our instructor did was tell us we had to mark off 5 off these things.It represented life’s hard turns and reality for many people.I gave up 4, 5, 7, 8, and 9.We were then asked if we could live with what we had left.I could easily say yes because I had the most important people left in my life.Then our other instructor came along and randomly marked off three things.She said that represents the tragedy that some people experience in life.He marked off my Faith in God, my dog, and my boyfriend.I was left with my son and my family.I lost eight of the things that mattered most in my life during that exercise.She asked each of us to imagine our lives if we really did lose those things.Some people in my class lost children, spouses, families, and other really important things.I was lucky to have what I was left.

Think about that for a minute.Maybe try doing this exercise yourself or with someone.Today, I am thankful for the amazing life I have.I woke up today when many people did not.I am able to call my son and say I love you when many will bury a child today.I have a job to go to Monday morning when some people don’t even know where they will sleep tonight.I have a damn good life and I thank God, every day for it.

It feels good to be able to be in this state of mind finally.I no longer need to worry about how much I make because I know I have the skill to budget my money and make it work.I no longer need to drink to handle life’s stresses.Most of all, I have a family who supports me.My son turned out amazing in spite of all the wrong decisions I have made in my life and that means more than anything.

I am doing my spring cleaning today and I put that paper beside my bed a little bit ago to remind me how bad life really could be.As long as those things stay in my life, life can’t get any better.

]]>https://standingcourageous.org/2017/04/15/perpective/feed/0redesigningme17My Outlook on Lovehttps://standingcourageous.org/2017/03/20/my-outlook-on-love/
https://standingcourageous.org/2017/03/20/my-outlook-on-love/#respondMon, 20 Mar 2017 16:53:44 +0000http://standingcourageous.org/?p=388Continue reading]]>Last weekend I went to a family wedding. A family member performed the ceremony and it was one of the best I have ever listened too. While listening to the ceremony, I was hit in the gut by one sentence and the words are in this picture. They have been on my mind pretty often since. It has had me thinking; What is a “good” woman?, What is a “good” man?, and most of all, What does loving someone actually mean?.

Well, we all know I haven’t had the best luck on love but I think it is because I looked at it wrong. Here is what I used to think, love was what someone else did to me or for me. Like the words he said or the things that he did.

Here is what I think love is now, it is, in many ways, like the love we have for our children. Love to me is just what these words say. Me loving someone whether be friend, family, or a partner, is me wanting to be the best I can be for them. Loving them is me wanting their needs met, giving them my loyalty and protection, and not expecting more than I can give. I can’t change them and they can’t change me but we can support each other in our journey.

Time is the most precious gift I have and if I quit giving my most precious gift to someone I say I love, I guess that would mean I need to rethink my commitment. The other night at dinner at a restaurant, I sat there watching how many couples sitting together were on their phones and hardly talked to each other. I hate that and hate it being done to me more. My mom has had a rule about no cell phones at the table, I used to hate it and now it makes perfect sense. I actually just called her to apologize for all the times I sent the message to her that she wasn’t important because she was giving me her undivided attention and I was giving mine to a phone. I think the same is true of our relationships. In a world filled with work, children, and everyday life, why wouldn’t I want to put down the phone for a hour and send the message, you’re important to me. It is the little things that count. Any fool can say I love you, but it is the little things that the fool does that show you they mean it.

My commitment to those I love will change from here on out. I will put down the phone for meals and our talks. I will call more and call without purpose. Most of all, I will work harder to not just say I love you but to start makin sure you can feel it.

]]>https://standingcourageous.org/2017/03/20/my-outlook-on-love/feed/0redesigningme17IMG_0736IMG_0775To those who have been silencedhttps://standingcourageous.org/2016/07/27/to-those-who-have-been-silenced/
https://standingcourageous.org/2016/07/27/to-those-who-have-been-silenced/#commentsWed, 27 Jul 2016 03:06:09 +0000http://standingcourageous.org/?p=326Continue reading]]>I do not know any of your family members or your friends. I do not know any of you personally but I feel like I have a piece of each of you living deep down inside of me. I started Standing Courageous in October last year. I didn’t even have it going for a month and one of you lost your life to the hands of a violent man. You were only 22. I cried that night. I spoke about the loss of your life at my first board meeting. I asked my board of directors to join me in making changes that way what happened to you would not happen to others.

I was asked a few weeks ago to be the key note speaker for the Silent Witness Project. I stood in a room with 62 silhouettes that represented each of you who lost your lives in Northwest Ohio to the hands of evil men and domestic violence in the last ten years. I could hardly breath in that room. The room felt like it was closing in on me and I felt sick to my stomach. I was haunted by what I saw that day. Again, I cried. It hit me in the pit of my stomach and I have not been the same.

Then last week happened. You were only 20 and so beautiful. I have not been the same since I first read your story. You changed me, just like the others did. I feel guilty somehow. I feel like we the people have let you all down. Why would we not already have a law that seems so necessary and common sense? Why did we let evil live amongst us to prey on each of you?

I am so sorry that this happened to each of you. I wish I could give your families comfort. I can not go back and change what has happened but I can take each of you in my heart on this journey. I beg each of you to help me be your voice. Help me fight for this law and registry so no more lives join you and no more families live the tragedy your families are. Please open the hearts of others to remember what truly matters. America is the greatest Country and our sons and daughters deserve the right to live their lives free from those who violently offend and reoffend. I will make this happen, first in Ohio and then in our Nations Capital. Please help me stand strong and courageous and represent each of your lives with honor.

]]>https://standingcourageous.org/2016/07/27/to-those-who-have-been-silenced/feed/4redesigningme17An open thank you to the man who tried to kill mehttps://standingcourageous.org/2016/06/25/thank-you/
https://standingcourageous.org/2016/06/25/thank-you/#respondSat, 25 Jun 2016 17:30:44 +0000http://standingcourageous.org/?p=114Continue reading]]>Ten years ago tonight, you changed me. As I sit here thinking about that horrible night, I feel the overwhelming need to say thank you. Two days ago, I stood in a room with sixty two silhouettes which represent the women in our area who lost their lives to the likes of you. You intended to kill me that night but instead of being a silhouette in that room, I will be the key-note speaker for them in October. I remember each specific way you told me you could kill me and praying to God for you to just get it over with. I can close my eyes still today and hear your voice say to me as you gritted your teeth, “I don’t know if I should kiss you or kill you”. The hairs on the back of my neck still stand up as I get the most horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach each time I recall it.

You see, when I met you, I was not the person I needed to be nor on a good path to become her. I just didn’t realize it then. That night redirected my life and I can not thank you enough for that. I believe people think I should be angry at you but I can’t find it in my heart to do so anymore. Instead, I feel sorry for you. I wonder what happened to you that made you feel that you needed to control and punish me the way you did. I used to think it was my fault, that I deserved you to hit me but now I know it was not a broken piece in me but a broken part of you.

I am sitting here thinking about my ten year journey since that night. I have grown as a person more than I would not have grown into without meeting you. I have renewed my relationship with God and found new strength in my faith. I have grown closer to my family. I have met the most amazing people since leaving you. I have been put on a path that I wouldn’t have taken if you were not a part of my life.

I mostly need to say thank you for choosing me. I have taken the tragedy of that night and turned it into something positive. I started a non profit organization called Standing Courageous. We are training first responders and medical staff about strangulation. We are working towards making a violent offender registry. I wish I would have known that I was not your first prey. It haunts me that I was not your last. I wish I could warn her about you before she gets entrapped in your web. I fear maybe she will end up being one of those silhouettes.

Because of you, I can look into the eyes of other victims and say “I understand”. You made me feel like I wasn’t worth anything. You controlled my life to the point where I didn’t even know who I was anymore. You punished me physically, emotionally, and sexually for things and most times I didn’t even understand why. You made me hate the girl looking back at me in the mirror because I didn’t recognize her. I know what it is to hit rock bottom and have no where else to go but to pick myself back up. I know how it is to betray friends and family and hurt those people who love me. I know what it is to serial date abusers. I know what it is to be a binge drinker and not want to face each morning. I know what it is to be cheated on and told that it was my fault. You made me make an attempt to end my life. You made me understand how it feels to have the hands of a man who says I love you squeezing around your neck as he looks through you with no emotion. You made me know what it is to feel that someone wants to truly kill you. You made me know the fear that comes over the body as a gun is put to my head. You made me realize that sticks and stone may break my bones but it’s the words that actually hurt me. You made me realize that pure evil does live inside some people.

June 25th, 2016; it has been ten years since you tried to kill me. The above paragraph says “you” this and “you” that. Well, no more you. You no longer have control over me and you no longer will haunt me. Your chapter is over sir. My story will go on and this day ends your chapter. You did not do this to me, God chose this to happen FOR me. Today is the start of my freedom. Today I start my journey of being the voice for victims, survivors, and their families. I will hold my head high and say this happened to me, let’s make sure it doesn’t happen to others. I will stand courageous and do everything in love. I will stand firm in my faith. I will hold close my friends and family. I will live each day as if it my last. I don’t know why you didn’t kill me that night but thank you. I will make the most of the life I have left.