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Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist

Category: Relationship

Satisfied Customers: 7664

Experience: 35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.

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Ive been seeing a guy for over 6 months now and he says he

Customer Question

I've been seeing a guy for over 6 months now and he says he loves me. Everything going well but he has a very busy work life with unsociable hours during the summer months. We usually get to see each once or twice a week with little contact in between, maybe an exchange of texts each day. When we're together, everything is lovely but he's not great at keeping in contact in between. He says that just because he's not texting me every 5 minutes, it doesn't mean that he's not thinking about me. His marriage broke down because of his very busy work schedule which he did tell me about right from the start. His wife ended up having an affair because she felt neglected.

How can I tell him, without upsetting him, that whilst I'm totally there for him and do understand that we can't see more of each other but that I just need a bit of reassurance that he does want me! His text messages are quite curt but he says that's a 'bloke' thing. He makes me feel that I'm being paranoid and that I shouldn't worry - but I do. Is it me, am I being unreasonable? I really love him and want to make things work out. Should I just shut up and just accept this is the way things will be?

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Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Dear friend,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I believe that I can help.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

Your friend has had a history of being unable to have a relationship and keep on his busy schedule, and as a result, at least in part, his marriage failed. The good news for him is that he still has his work and busy schedule. It may not bode well for your future.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You cannot outright tell him that you want more reassurance. He is satisfied with the way things are and he may give you more reassurance but if is only a token gesture, then nothing will have changed.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

His inability to spend more time with you is not a "bloke thing". There are men out there who will give you the attention you want because they are sensitive to your needs and because they will really care about you and adore you. He does not have that commitment and may be incapable of it.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You needs are reasonable. You are not being paranoid. You should be concerned, because this relationship will not work on these terms. You can shut up and accept that this is the way things will be (and they probably WILL BE this way). You can stay this way forever, but you will always know that you are with the wrong man because he cannot love you properly. He is way to involved with himself.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

He did not learn from his first failure, or just does not care. He may have narcissistic personality disorder and that will mean that he is more interested in controlling and possessing you than in having an equitable relationship

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

More important, it would mean that he absolutely does not have the capacity to care about the feelings of others or even to understand them.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

You worry about upsetting him so much that you do nothing. He makes you worry and that is how he controls you and keeps you silent.

Elliott, LPCC, NCC :

I do not see a lot of hope for this relationship. I suggest you consider finding someone who cares about you and treats you as his precious one. That is what you and all of us deserve in a relationship. Why not have the highest standard?

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