INFJ: I Don’t Get Angry, I Withdraw

Deep emotions are the foundation of the INFJ personality. They don’t just define us, but also shape our relationships, and even encounters with strangers.

You can never tell us not to be so emotional, because that’s not who we are. If you ever see an INFJ being reserved and starting to withdraw, start worrying.

I don’t get angry, I withdraw

As much as INFJs are caring, emotional, and kind, we can also be cold and distant. We don’t understand the balance when it comes to our own feelings. There’s a general rule INFJs know all too well.

If your INFJ is emotional and showing effort to reach out, that friendship can be saved. But if an INFJ becomes visibly distant, you should be worried.

A lot needs to happen for an INFJ to withdraw. The usual suspects that bring us to this point are lies, humiliations, and ultimatums (we can’t stand someone leaving us without a choice). When we decide it’s time to move on, there’s no going back. We may be the kindest personality type, but even INFJs have limits.

How to recognize when an INFJ is withdrawing

If you notice we give you short sentence responses, both written and spoken this isn’t a good sign. Also, if you see strange patterns in our actions, as well as a lack of emotional feedback, then you have a serious problem. We express our pain differently than others. Instead of drama and arguments, we quietly walk away.

Some people confuse this with arrogance and being selfish, but the truth cannot be further from that.

When you see that an INFJ is speaking with less excitement and desire, it’s probably time to reach out and see what’s going on, because you’re facing a moment when an INFJ will eventually withdraw. I’m not going to get explain all the reasons why we do this, but in most cases, it’s because we’re deeply hurt.

An INFJ would rather invest time in self-development and people who care, than spend energy explaining a painful event all over again. Understand, we don’t want to go through the pain of justifying our actions. We’ve been doing that our entire life.

The best way to deal with a distant INFJ is being direct with us. Reach out and demand our attention: “Hey, I’m scared that you’re not talking to me like you used to, what’s going on!?” Because if you don’t, we’re gone. INFJs withdraw when there’s no other option available.

It will hurt us more than you

Withdrawal causes more pain to an INFJ than you can ever imagine. You see, we’re not just leaving you. We are departing from the memories, the good moments, all the smiles, and from everything we invested our whole being into.

Imagine leaving someone who meant the world to you, but knowing you gave everything you had to save that relationship or friendship. When I had to walk away from a person who meant much to me, my sister said to me:

“You might be walking away from someone who made you happy in the past, but sometimes you need to choose yourself. It’s the safest choice you’re ever going to make.”

Give yourself the permission to withdraw from anyone who causes you to feel miserable, my dear INFJ. You’re not running away, you are protecting yourself. The people who are meant to stay in your life will never intentionally hurt you. They will notice the slightest change in your behavior, INFJ or not.

Hold on to those beautiful souls who accept you just the way you are. More importantly, accept yourself with all your virtues and flaws. Never allow anyone to dictate your life, because in the symphonic orchestra of your emotions, you’re the condutor. <3

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It’s your turn

What are your experiences with withdrawing as an INFJ? Can you relate with what I wrote in the article? I would love to hear what you think in the comments below. ☺

53 Comments

I resonate with this article. Looking as far back as my childhood, I had a tendency to withdraw rather than argue or fight back. I always wondered why I lacked the ability to give as I got. I was too slow with comebacks.

i totally get this I’ve always found that anger is a difficult drive to come to terms with. I had a relative that was quite happy to carry on if things didn’t go her way, she felt that my reluctance to buy into her temper tantrum or accusations was a weakness. I feel even more as I get older that I need to sit & just be, with where this resentment is coming from & if it’s really about me, or is there something going on that I’m either missing or they’re projecting onto me…. There is nothing wrong with, withdrawal I’m in the middle of a 3 month withdrawal period with the abovementioned individual as it’s given me the opportunity to reassess what is happening in respect of our relationship, to determine whether it’s a healthy or dysfunctional. Unfortunately that latter has been the sad truth, but this is what withdrawal & thinking things through often helps clarify, situations that may not be working for us…

for this very reason of withdrawing i have been job hopping all my life. i couldn’t understand it why i behaved like i do but i just recently understand more of who i am. i realize i am not crazy, there are more people out there that behave the same. i just recently started a new job at a good company and am being very vigilant of my behavior and of others. i dont want to screw this job up!
very good article, thx

Oh dear, this is 100% how I operate and I always feel guilty about hurting the person I am walking away from, like I’m just too sensitive but when someone is disloyal to me and it feels like they have betrayed my good nature and abused my friendship, I’m done!
I have the ability to completely block all memory of them from my life which I accept is to protect myself. The reason I walk away is always because they have deeply hurt me, usually more than once. I never go back and it makes me feel like I hold grudges but I’m also trying to justify to make myself feel better, that not everyone is meant to be friends with me, they are just not in my troop. I can happily have just one friend, too many feel like way too much work trying to keep everyone happy.

I also relate to this article, yet I struggle with misunderstanding a lot. I have found the power to walk the line but, those who mistreated me don’t get the message wright. Just like you said it. What can I say? I still wait for those beautiful souls, or whatever.

“Imagine leaving someone who meant the world to you, but knowing you gave everything you had to save that relationship or friendship.”

This is how I am feeling right now in my relationship with my boyfriend of 7 years. We are both 21 years old. It has been a struggle to spend time with him all through highschool because we were young, and now that we are adults he isn’t on the same page as me. He talks about how he has the same goals as me yet he does not have the same motivation to actually do something about it like I do.

It has always been a good contrast where he can calm me down and go with the flow while I plan what we do and figure everything out. He was going down the wrong path a year ago, and I had to break up with him. I tried dating other people and it was not good at all. I missed him so much especially at night when my mind is so active.

We got back together and I thought he would start making big changes toward our life together but although he’s back on track, I’m tired of telling him what to do all the time and feel like if he loves me he should do these things automatically. (And do it for himself.) When he recently lied to me about applying for jobs when he didn’t (he hates his current job) it deeply upset me. I feel like I can’t trust him but I am very deeply connected to him. I feel divided on what to do.

I’m sorry you are going through this Yvonne. trust is really important for us INFJs, and just remember that we can’t change anyone. We can only accept them for who they are. A good conversation might help, but remember that understanding and acceptance must come from both sides.

This article was uplifting to me because I felt understood by how applicable it was in every area of my life. When I read,

“An INFJ would rather invest time in self-development and people who care, than spend energy explaining a painful event all over again,”

I faltered a little because for awhile, I’ve forgotten what it felt like to be understood by others in my life. I often have to justify myself even to the ones who do care, and it exhausts me. It is rare, perhaps once a year, that someone takes the time to understand what is underneath all of my many layers. But when that happens, it feels miraculous because it feels so rewarding when someone actually takes the time to try to know me.

However, this “miracle” does not happen often, and I miss the feeling. I get so tired of justifying myself, so I often simply disappear or as you said, withdraw. I find myself hiding so often, though. I am such a lonely person anyway, which is why these articles and my faith give me hope that there are others like me… How can I withdraw from a lack of others’ understanding of me without feeling worse about myself or even more lonely?

I’m glad you found the article uplifting Charis. 🙂 You are not alone, and you can withdraw with the knowledge that lonely and alone are not the same. You are not going away from yourself, you are merely protecting yourself. I can tell you right now, INFJs feel more lonely in a huge crowd than with our own thoughts, even when there’s no one to hear them. Withdraw knowing that you’re not alone, and you freely visit the forum to receive that confirmation. 🙂

This article made me cry to know that others feel exactly like I do. I have been dealing with relationships this way my entire life! I always thought that there was something wrong with me to be able to just walk away and not look back after loving and caring for someone for years. I’ve had people ask me if I’m ever going to be happy and that hurts. The truth is that I give myself away with every single relationship and when I’ve lost myself in that relationship, it’s time to go and never look back.

There is nothing wrong with you Lora, there never was. You will find happiness, and no matter how many times people ask you this, know that you will. This is not a question of “if”, it’s just a matter of time, that’s all.

How do you deal with a parent that you love deeply but has been deeply hurtful with words and actions and you have done all that you can besides perpetual self sacrifice to make things better. I tend to have times that I ask for space but it has become extremely hard to read enter the relationship knowing the deep hurt that will most likely continue. So this causes a serious issue because I’m either feeling depressed and really guilty about feeling done and wanting to walk away,especially because I would so much rather make my mother happy and be what she wants but I know I have a duty to show myself respect and not deny my own needs for her desires. So difficult…

Hi k, it is difficult, but you owe it to yourself to follow your own dream. I understand what you wrote here, so a good conversation with your mother might help. Explain to her what you really want to do, and that you would appreciate her support, as well as that her words can be hurtful. I believe it’s not easy, but be honest, because you too need to feel fulfilled and happy.

You can’t have those kinds of conversations with a narcissistic mother. You are trapped between self preservation and the responsibility to care for your parent. They eat you alive, spit you out because you don’t taste good, and tell you it’s all your fault. Then… they go and do it all over again.

I have kind of the same problem with my mother but she has like an upper layer of being nice but below that she is a terribly selfish person that will hurt you and use you when you need her the most. I tried talking to her many times about how it pains me what she says to me and what she does and then she says that she understands and won’t do it again. But in the end she always does. I’ve learned that it’s best to stay distant enough to not let it hurt you a lot anymore. Don’t expect anything anymore. It will always hurt that she will never be the mother you need, but by continuously reminding yourself not to fall for the ‘she is my mother, maybe she will change and be there for me’ feeling, you will keep yourself from getting your heart broken. I talk to her in a normal way but I keep my distance and don’t ask for her help anymore. Hope that helps, it did with me.

I completely agree! Thanks so much for this. 🙂 I find myself cutting people off without warning, if they’ve hurt me too many times. I must come across as incredibly selfish and cold, but actually I am so deeply wounded by what they’ve done that I cannot allow myself to be hurt again – it is definitely an act of self-protection and preservation. I withdraw completely (blocking their phone numbers, deleting pictures – there must be no reminder of them having been around) and have actually gotten to the point where I can block out fond memories I have with these people. Is that normal?

You are most welcome Risha, glad you like the article. 🙂 Yes, what you said here is perfectly normal. INFJs can endure much, but upon reaching a point when we had enough, when we’re severely hurt, the person who hurt us no longer exists in our eyes and mind, even on pictures or in phone numbers.

This article is very true. I find myself withdrawing when I’m hurt too much. It may come across being a bitch and heartless, (because I’ve been called by those many times) but sometimes, I just don’t care anymore. It’s difficult for me to show my anger because I feel I need to explain why I’m angry. So, thank you for this article. Appreciate it very much.

I often feel as if I have no right to ask for someone to change how they interact with me. If they wanted to act differently, they would already be doing it. Therefore, it was easiest to just slowly disappear. However, with age, I am learning to talk about how I feel to others and let them have a chance. I am glad to know others’ brains work as mine do. I often wondered why I rarely got angry.

This really resonated with me! I’d like to point out that there are some infjs who react outwards when they reach the boiling point (like the absolutely end of the line and usually against something that is so utterly unfair it feels like the world is ending).

Another thing I am thinking about when reading this, is the link between our typical infj behaviour of withdrawal, which most others completely misunderstand, and how this connects to the inherent guilt that infjs often feels (you spoke about guilt in another article). 🙂

Glad the article resonated with you, Kim. 🙂 Yes, the INFJ guilt often appears during the moments of withdrawal, and not just there, but in many other situations as well. Thank you for your lovely insight, and for your kind words. 🙂

I am actually having a problem with this right now. I have a friend who I think is not good for me and who has a lot of behaviors I don’t like and so I prepared myself to say bye once and for all. Once I was prepared for that I just had to say it but at school she came over to me and tried talking and I withdrew. I just had the shirt responses and little emotional response to what she was saying, very cold and distant. That night I told her I didn’t want to be friends any more but then her family tried to tell me how much my friend needs me and all and how I should stick around and help her through it. But I don’t think it’s my place to have to do that. She pushed me away with her behavior. I am thinking about staying friends but ever since I told her I haven’t missed her. I don’t miss her and I don’t want to be friends any more but at the same time I think I’m supposed to stay and help her but also I don’t want ti be her friend anymore and she’s not benefitting my life and I just simply don’t want to her her friend but it’s making me scared because I’m supposed to miss her and I don’t want to hurt her feelings but I think I have to do what I want. Idk if that’s insensitive or mean or what but I don’t know why I’m not interested in being her friend. I don’t know how its soneast for me to walk away. I guess just INFJ door slam. But this post is helping me I liked your article.

I believe you need to listen your own voice and how you feel. These actions are far from easy, but as INFJs we owe to ourselves to protect ourselves, because we always focus on people around us and forget that we too need attention. Glad you liked the article. 🙂

Your article was so very accurate and affirming. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 13 years. It went bad early on, but I stuck with it, trying everything I could to make him happy. When that didn’t work, I stayed longer-and just tried not to make him angry. I finally realized that this would be the only example of “normal” that our son would have to look back on, unless I divorced his father. I prepared and proceeded with the divorce. The “door slam” was real-but I had no more to give, and no pleading would change my mind by that time. Its been 11 years now. I have peace, and although my relationship with my son was strained for awhile, he has matured and we have a great relationship now.

I have read a lot of your articles. But this one completely describes me better than I ever could. I always just phrased it as ‘I don’t stay where I’m not wanted’
Yes it is the “invisible line”, and once it’s crossed… It’s just done.
I’ve been called a cold hearted #itch because of this “switch”

I do understsnd all you are saying and it means a lot to know I’m not alone. I have just retreated from a friendship of 40 years. We met as girls in our twenties and throughout the following years we were as close as two friends could ever be. She was my ‘go to ” person and me for her. But something changed in both of us. Life events caused us to look at ourselves in different ways and one day I just knew I couldn’t be friends with her anymore ….so I distanced myself, became vague and unrespondsive and gradually we broke apart. My personality as an INFJ meant I couldn’t talk things through with her and make efforts to heal or compromise. I just had to go and this caused both of us so much pain. She was the opposite of me – a great talker of working things out emotionally but I just didn’t have it in me to sit down and make us better together. I think of it as a weakness on my part but reading through these comments I realise it’s more a personality trait than anything else. This is me. Don’t take me for granted. When I’m hurt I heal myself by walking away rather than by in-depth analysis. Thank you all.

You are spot on! I work with someone who prides herself on being sarcastic and making biting remarks to everyone (not just me). I have to work with her 1 on 1 every day, and it is VERY emotionally tiring because the words hurt. ‘Kidding’…or not. She wants to do things together outside work, but I can’t. I just withdraw. I have to put up with her comments at work (inasmuch as I can), but my time is my time. I’m not far from retirement, and am looking forward to brushing off my self-esteem and getting it shiny again.

Of course! My biggest challenge is always whether to cross a bridge or burn it down. We give until there is nothing left of us sometimes. Our emotions are like the whiskers of a cat in the dark feeling our way through.

I can totally identify with the things you wrote. Have been withdrawing from several people through the past seven years and the biggest iussue for me alwyas was to realize that i‘m protecting myself, not running away…

I;m glad you can relate with what I wrote, Catherine. You said a good thing here, you are protecting yourself, this is a healthy way of thinking. But I also fully understand you, it’s not always easy to realize it at that moment…

I do not withdraw. I simply slam the door. Withdrawing implies indecision and I have already been thru that while trying to save a relationship with a friend. Just slam the door and walk away. They are no longer in my universe.
Karen

I can so relate to that article. I’m in a conflict with my mother regarding her constant dissatisfaction about her moving to the apartment next to mine. I’m the one who suggested the idea to her since she’s getting old. We discussed it a lot and it was a win-win situation. She agreed and I didn’t twist her arm. I organized everything and paid for the move and it put a lot of mental and emotional stress on me as an INFJ but I wanted her to be happy. Ever since she moved out and she goes through a bad day (and she has a lot), she complains about everything from the color of her kitchen floor to the toilet bowl. Never mind if it’s quieter or less expensive with new windows. You get the idea. It’s draining and her saying she should never have moved makes me feel like all my efforts to make her happy have been for naught. It pains me and I feel she’s ungrateful and we end up arguing about that a lot. I withdraw and disconnect the phone because she can be manipulative and is good with guilt trips. The tense atmosphere gnaws at me and I want to patch things up and make things right but on the other hand, I’m afraid if I speak up, it’ll make things worse. I don’t know how to deal with this. One thing is for sure though. I became distant with her and I keep stuff to myself now.

I’m going to have to go anonymous on this one. I always seem to put others first before me. I don’t want others to feel out of place and preferably want them to be completely comfortable. I’m way too loyal to go out and betray people or say something that should’ve been kept inside. Despite that, people notice the warmness of a dragon’s belly is gone when I’m detaching myself. They mentioned that “I never felt something that cold and distant; each time I’d try to get closer it always feels like you’re miles away each step” and I don’t like that not do I like doing that to others whom I care about. A long time ago, I had left a relationship, not to mention I was going through depression and suicidal thoughts. I fell in love with someone from a distance. Their presence alone, dispersed my sorrows and sadness like a vamp’s ashes in daybreak. For years like a decade and almost a half, I’ve been in love. She was the Sun to my Moon. Anywho, I became friends with her, not knowing I had a crush, even with the blood pressure skyrocketing. Told me to not be stranger and I enjoyed all of the talks we’ve had, even if it was her interests in certain topics. I know people’s preferences and life changes people, I was willing to accept that. I was in Cloud Nine. Out of all people I’ve met, she has the best personality so far and a smile that can bring out the Sun on the most rainiest days. I don’t show my feelings that much and btw, I’m a young INFJ (Tested 4 times). I would have figured by now of what “don’t be a stranger” meant to me. I swear the phrase itself is a double-edged sword; Be close and they say don’t write to them again, however, be distant and they want you to talk to them; quite agitating and ludicrous, isn’t it 😪? To be put in such of a dilemma or a Venus flytrap, perhaps. I got burned for it, I could feel the anger miles away even through her text; I was so excited to write to her to let her know that things are going swell. Any who, after a total of 14 years of being in unrequited, I had to do something that’s pretty hard to do, at least for an INFJ, fall out of love. It took 3 weeks, even though I still love her to death. It hurt at first just to let those unrequited romantic feelings just go. Yeah, that’s my tidbit of a story.

I really relate. I withdraw/shut down for getting my feelings hurt or physical pain as well. Someone who knows me well will see it/sense it right away. My bf will read it as “angry” or “annoyed”, but what I’m feeling is just pain. I usually just need an apology and 30 minutes of reflection to get over it.