Tradition goes further, deeper than document

September 07, 2006|CLAUDIA BAYLISS Tribune Staff Writer

SOUTH BEND -- On a recent sunny afternoon, Hassan Lachheb and his wife, Shabana Razvi, enter the mosque of the Islamic Society of Michiana. With them is their 5-month-old daughter, Safiyyah. The couple bend down, remove their shoes and carefully place them near the bottom step before climbing the stairs to the prayer room above. Once there, they sit down at a table where, for the next hour, they attempt to unravel the ramifications of Islamic marriage contracts. The silence of the mosque, empty at this time of day, is broken by Safiyyah's steady stream of baby chatter. Although she is too young to know it, what is discussed here also has relevance for her. Shabana's and Hassan's voices rise and fall as they pick up the strands of each other's comments and weave them into a conversation initiated by a non-Muslim's questions. What Hassan emphasizes at the start is that, although he and Shabana do have a marriage contract, "There were no conditions for us -- just respect and love." To make his point about the level of trust and openness in their relationship, he extends his hands, the palms facing up. It depends on the individual couple, he says. Some couples feel they need to write down detailed conditions for their marital relationship. Others don't. The tradition of the marriage contract -- its purpose -- is to empower women by preserving their rights, Hassan says. Sixty and more years ago in Morocco, his native land, in rural areas, it was done orally. The lack of a written document signed by witnesses created problems. The women suffered because, at that time, they were "the last to be listened to" in the society if a serious difference arose between a woman and her husband, Hassan says. That is no longer the case today because now all marriage contracts are written and witnessed, Hassan adds. And if a woman thinks her husband is denying her the rights spelled out in their marriage contract, she can take the matter to a court of law. Shabana agrees with Hassan when he says the marriage contract is "something that Islam requires. It's in the Quran." During the time she studied Arabic in Syria as a Fulbright scholar, Shabana took a class with a woman who had studied and written on Islamic marriage and Islamic marriage contracts. "Yes, you have these rights, but what a way to start a marriage," she told the class, Shabana says. "Think about the tone you are setting for your marriage." Like a prenuptial agreement, if too much emphasis is placed on an Islamic marriage contract, "(It) loses the spirit," Shabana says. What sticks in the minds of the couple is how the Prophet Muhammed's relationship with his own wife is the model for marriage in Islam. "We talk about the tradition of the Prophet Muhammed. This is something he had done with his wife," Shabana says. "You do it (practice the teachings of the Quran) to comply with God's will," Hassan says, in order to get the blessings that come with submitting. ("Islam" means "submission" to God.) "That's really important. It's not because we are influenced by Western thinkers (who advocate women's rights but on a secular basis)." The religious scholars who addressed the rights of women during the rise of Islam "had nothing in mind except explaining the sacred law in a way that is just. In a way that is just for women and men both," Hassan says. It "would be better" for Muslims to focus on what the Quran says, Hassan thinks. Their faith offers the strongest foundation for the love, respect and compassion that marriage thrives on, he says. They are what both of them cherish. The contract is designed to address those serious differences the couple sense they may have to confront somewhere down the road. Differences that, if not resolved, could end the marriage. "Honestly, the contract is a piece of paper, and it's there in the drawer. But it's the daily life, it's that love, it's that compassion, it's that respect that is the basis of the relationship. I don't think any piece of paper could provide that," Hassan says. The contract does serve as a "wake-up call," Shabana says. "It makes people realize what a responsibility (marriage) is." And if the man must give a substantial gift, he is more likely to realize "This is a big responsibility. You better be prepared to take care of this woman," she points out. The role of education is key, Hassan says, because people who are less educated often do not know their religion well. "Still inside them is that beast, 'I want to subdue that woman.' " The contract and the law alone "cannot make the perfect person," he says. That's where the family and social institutions, along with education, can make the difference in changing attitudes and behaviors. The last two things the Prophet Muhammed spoke of were prayers and women, Hassan says. The Prophet urged Muslim men to care for their women. "He said the most generous one is the one who is generous to his wife." To show his deep love for her, Hassan says, the Prophet would drink from the cup his wife had used, putting his lips where she had placed hers. Hassan stops for a moment to reach out and play with his daughter. When he picks up his thought, he says that, to show his love for Shabana, he gave her a copy of the Quran, rather than a large sum of money. "Something spiritual, something symbolic that shows the love." As well as protecting a woman and showing her respect, the marriage contract "reinforces ties with the family," since they are involved, Shabana says. "It's a safety net. ... (Because they have been married, your parents) know things to look for and to ask when your eyes are filled with stars and you're not thinking straight. ... Sometimes I feel sorry for some of my (non-Muslim) counterparts," she says, because they don't really have their family's supportive involvement. The woman's family does not go, " 'Here's the man you are going to marry!' and that's it," Shabana says with spirit. She adds: "That's un-Islamic. The woman is supposed to have her say, and she is supposed to agree." She and Hassan both think it's important to look beyond the marriage contract to the "bigger picture, the whole picture." Hassan sees a profound relationship at the heart of that picture, and its frame as "building a family." In his eyes, their relationship creates a space in which "We melt into each other. We do not come to that bottom line (represented by the conditions of a marriage contract)." Safiyyah begins to fret. Her parents gather her -- along with her blanket, her carrier, her toys and a diaper bag -- and head out to the parking lot. She doesn't know it yet, but the marriage contract that provides her mother with a safety net is part of a Muslim tradition that little Safiyyah, too, has inherited from the Prophet and -- as well as her own -- a long line of families.