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Smart-Sciences, Inc. has an immediate opening for a wetland scientist in our Miami, Florida office. The successful candidate will have 3 – 5 years of experience consulting in Florida. Experience in wetland delineations, listed species surveys, environmental permitting, are expected. Technical writing skills are required. Work includes conducting delineations as well as both wildlife and vegetation surveys.

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Well, I know you are all sitting there with wrinkled brows saying, “What are you going to be for Halloween?” That’s exactly what I was thinking. It’s so funny how connected we all are!

You all know how spontaneous I am. So I thought it would be fun to go over some costumes ideas and talk about how this Halloweeney thing is all going down!

Here’s my amazing list of DIY costumes for weirdos and adventurers like us:

A tree – yep, spray some adhesive on some old clothes (not while you’re in them dummy – that’s just silly) and shove them into that crappy pile of leaves that have been sitting since the day after the friggin hurricane. VOILA’ – you are a tree. I can’t tell you your species – that will depend on where you live and what kinds of leaves you raked….if you just said screw it – like I did – and mowed over all your leaves, I am quite sure your neighbor, you know the one who never rakes his yard, will let you have a few.

A Scientist – heck yeah – I did this one year and the effect was awesome – so tease or mess up your hair (assuming you have some) and put leaves and plastic bugs from the dollar store in there. You can use live ones but that will be sooooo complicated and hard to explain….plastic is better. rub brown makeup on your face so you look dirty. Yes – we environmental nerds get pretty dirty. Find some fake blood and make it look like you have done the wetland delineation from hell! When people ask what you are – say “I didn’t have time to dress up – I just had a hard day in the field” – this cracks em up.

Nerd – sadly this one is easier for some of us than others. Admit it – some of us look like nerds already – and if you are lucky and are one of the beauties in the field – here’s what you do: get glasses with no lenses (unless of course you already wear glasses in which case you should probably keep them on for safety and just nerd them up with some white tape), Wear a shirt that’s too small, pants too short, carry around a pencil and a field book and pretend to collect data on each person you meet and draw them. Ask nerdy field questions and use words like morphology, hydraulics, biodiversity, data manipulation….ah crap, I just realized I do that most days! Anyway – fun thing is – you will have a record of all the freaks you met. It’s easier to figure out what kind of night you had if you are drinking and Ubering….lol

Baby bird – this one takes a bit more prep. Take an inner tube (inflated of course – this costume will NOT work with a floppy black inner tube – and it’s sad that I feel I need to add that!) hot glue sticks to it (don’t ask me what kind or any details – I provide the ideas people). Make it look like a nest. If you don’t know what a nest looks like – Google it (lol). Take an old shirt, use the adhesive (like in number 1) and put feathers from the craft store all over it. You can get a bald cap from the costume store pretty cheap – bring gummy worms with you – and just squawk a lot all night and make other people feed you worms – lol. This one just made me laugh out loud….yeah – I’m a cheap date!

Mother/Father Nature – well, I had to let the guys on this one too although it doesn’t work as well. Just rub sparkly green paint all over your nude body. Do NOT use any paint that isn’t made for your body stupid. Then – take bathing suit bottoms (yeah I hate to tell you sexy but summer is over and the chances of you ever wearing the same swim suit is rather slim so suck it up and glue moss or something naturey (yeah I just made that word up so what) all over the bottoms. As for the top – if you are a guy – who needs one. If you are a girl, well I advise using an old bra or top and doing the same with glue and naturey (STOP – I know it’s not a real word) stuff all over it. Face – green glittery stuff….just look generally green, sparkly and pompous. I imagine Mother/Father Nature is rather pompous – and, if they happen to read this and are offended, you do now know where I am! It’s not nice to fool with Mother/Father Nature!! (lmao)

If you haven’t figured out a costume by Halloween, chances are that you read this and realized you already have a costume – be YOU….and when people ask who or what you are just make up some nerd sciency (yeah – a new word again but you get it – don’t hate) explanation about your Halloween project.

I hope you all enjoy fall. It’s one of the nicest times of the year to me. Lots of good weather for exploring and adventuring. So, get out there and see something cool. Go find some inspiration for your costume.

Well, there you all are wondering what the hell is going on. You’re probably saying, “Jacque, we almost gave up on you. What’s going on?” I’m here. I always have been. But the truth of the matter is just this simple – HEY _ I’M A REAL LIVE PERSON AND LIFE GIVES YOU LEMONS SOMETIMES.

Good news is, I know the recipe for lemonade – I also know how to stick lemons in my bra so it makes my boobs look bigger, or how to squeeze those lemons in the faces of my enemies! So, here we go.

It all starts with a problem. Of course, as a scientisty type gal, I usually love this part – it’s the part where I get to be creative, intuitive, intelligent, heroic, and cool. But this time – not so much. You see, I like problems that have solutions. It seems that, so far as I know, the problems life can throw don’t always have solutions. Sometimes you just gotta ride the thing out, take the hits, and walk away with the bruises and wisdom that you’re made of some pretty tough stuff.

So I wanted to share with anyone (I’m sure we all know someone like this) who is having a life problem that seems to have no solution and no end in sight.

Be a man (well, not literally, but figuratively – we know women are stronger lol)

Once the crisis is over – it won’t hurt so much – if it does, you are probably fooling yourself and it’s not quite over – brace yourself

There are legal ways to make people disappear – seriously – of course they all involve lots of money but hey – you never know right

Not everything is your fault – even if other people say so – what the heck do they know anyway

Yoga – Yogi – or YoYo – any one of these three things will either relax you, screw with your mind, confuse you until you forget your problems, totally baffle you, or keep you entertained until the damned string gets all wonky and it won’t go up and down like it used to and the problem passes

Think of worse things that have happened – unless of course this makes you feel worse – in that case – refer to number 6

Ask for help or support – you’re really not alone. Well, you can always email or message me if you are alone and I will apologize for number 7

Break the problem up into smaller problems – I know this sounds crazy, but once you do this – some of the smaller ones become solvable and then the main problem smaller – this is a trick I learned from being in the wilds so long….then you can always ignore the leftover problem – leave it for someone else to solve when they take over your job lol

Deny there is a problem – Oh, no, this won’t help but it does delay the inevitable…refer to number 6 again

Suck it up Buttercup – best advice ever from my dear Mr. Jeff Davis – all time champion of telling it like it is

So, I know this might not solve all the problems, that’s not my job lol. That’s your job….and believe it not, rule number 10 is the quickest way to get through it – of course, number 6 is still my all time favorite.

If you want, print this list out and post it near the copier, engine of your old car, laundry room, Dr. office, dramatic family member’s Facebook – or wherever you think it will do the most good…..of course, as always – One last resort – go outside, take a deep breath, Hey sucker – you’re alive!

I know, I know, you are thinking, “Jacque, you are covered in ants. Shouldn’t you be jumping around like a freak?” No, I shouldn’t. You know why? I am a man! No not really, I am only covered from head to toe in red ants.

Native red ants and not fire ants. You know WHY I am covered in red ants to include inside both my pant legs? I am happy. Why am I happy? That’s a great question. You see I know you are expecting some insightful, poetic, deep and meaningful answer. You want to hear all about how a life event has changed me or made me ponder life and it’s meaning once again.

Phooey! Screw life and its meanings. I just got to tromp in the woods. Simple. It’s been a freaking long week already. Once of those weeks that makes you really think about whether or not to come home FROM the woods. I really wanted to say to the team I was with, “Hey worky pants, I am going to just hang out here for a few days until mother nature stops pissing on me. I will catch you all later – ants and all!”

But instead, I left the cool damp woods next to the small river. I turned my back, once again on what I know is right. I walked out the scarred surveyor’s path and went on about my grown up business. Left behind was the healing sounds of the woods. The soft voice of the river calling to me like it always does.

I could have stayed you know. Could have laid there on the banks of that river and solved all of my life’s puzzles. I should have stayed in the poison ivy and vine-covered trail that would hide anything. It would have hidden my furrowed brow, my tired eyes, my unshed tears. It would have hidden my doubt and expectations of myself.

It would have been easier. The coward’s way. But instead I stood in the bright sunshine. It is apparent I have a hangover, it’s obvious something is amiss, but you know what?

Marie Curie: Physicist and Chemist who was awarded the Nobel Prize twice for her work in radioactivity: “Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something and that this thing must be attained.” […]

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That’s right, I’m itchy….and scratchy. No, silly, not the cartoon characters from The Simpsons….SERIOUSLY! I have discovered what happens when you wear far too many layers in the hot Florida sun.

Prickly heat – heat rash – or whatever you wanna call it! I was trying to be smarter than the average nerd working out in the Florida sun (104 degrees). I wore layers so that I could shed them as I needed. Only problem, you know me, I got caught up in my work and forgot to shed layers.

So, instead, I have this amazingly sexy rash ALL OVER! I hate to admit it – but now is the perfect time – I was wrong! Yep, make your calendars folks and watch the icebergs grow – cause Hell just froze over. I was totally wrong to even think for one moment that I was going to remember my clothes.

“Why, Jacque? Why would you forget something so important to most gals?” Well, I am definitely NOT most gals. SO, while I was busy looking at my survey gear and constructing a designed creek plan, I just wandered around in way too many clothes.

So, lesson for the day, wear the minimum and bring the maximum. Pack it and keep it handy. Remember, weather changes all over the world at any time! Even MyRadar can be wrong….so make sure you have what you need to stay cool, warm, dry, bug free, sun free, and safe! If you aren’t sure, pack more! If you don’t need it, so be it – but if you don too much or pack too little, you might get caught in a storm, or you just might get heat rash!

For those who are unfamiliar, heat rash is simply sweat trapped under your skin. Sounds harmless…

“But Jacque, last year wasn’t all bad!” Duh…of course it wasn’t. I have an amazing family, great kids, a job I love, and the world is my oyster. Problem was that I forgot that the world was my oyster…and let it be my crab trap.

So, if, like me, you let 2015 make you it’s bitch, here’s some ideas for how we are gonna show 2016 who wears the pants in this year…

Write a bunch of adventures on paper, fold and put in jar, take turns picking one out – and YOU HAVE TO DO IT

Pick up a copy of One Tank Trips

Get a map of your area that includes parks and such – make it a challenge to cross them all off with a visit

Let the family vote on a new activity to learn together

Call me to book a fun Guided Tromp in the woods or kayak trip

Go camping – or glamping if you don’t like tents

Try to go to different beaches or forests or both and collect a souvenir from each spot and make a brag shelf

Bah Humbug… IT’S TOO HOT FOR CHRISTMAS. It’s 85 degrees outside and yesterday we even had an afternoon shower. It’s so hard to get in the spirit when the only thing you want to get into is the pool. I asked my family if I could even boycott Christmas….celebrate UN-Christmas.

“But Jacque, isn’t it nice to have pleasant weather in December?” A resounding NO. It would be nice to have one or the other – I want Summer Vacation in December or Chilly Christmas Mornings in December. I’m so darned confused I’m not sure if I am living in some strange festive hell with tinsel and gifts or some twisted happy land filled with elves in board shorts and those weirdos who pretend it’s cold and wear boots and scarves.

This weather begs me to recall another similar year. I remember that nature did this El Nino thing and…then nature took a huge dump on us all here in Florida.

It wreaked all sorts of havoc on us and the creatures and plants we love so much. Birds got confused, trees and leaves sprouted out of turn, fish and frogs flip flipped along with the tourists and the rain just kept raining. I suspect we are all in for a real treat – in March.

Oh, it will get chilly. A balmy 60 something next week at 2am one morning. I may have to put on more than a bathing suit. I hope those of you who are enjoying a real Christmas feel sorry for us down here – I fear I will get a tan this week!

In The Field Magazine
Our MISSION today remains the same as the first day. To inform and entertain while serving as a conduit between valued advertising customers and our readers. We strive to also create a bond with those that are not directly involved in Agriculture in orde

Teresa Meeks – Author
My new favorite author! I typically read a different genre of book but she captured the raw excitement and made it fit between two covers! Only $6.99 in print and available on Kindle at Amazon.com!!