Every autumn, my brain fills with memories of trick-or-treating, homemade costumes, spiced apple cider, haunted houses, and plastic pumpkins filled with candy. I come from a place where the whole neighborhood pitched in to make trick-or-treating super fun. I have always loved Halloween and costumes. But somewhere along the way it went from a carefree holiday about getting as much candy as possible to a stress-ridden competition about who can find the cleverest rationale for dressing like a male prostitute.

Gay world is a lot like Girl World. Like the American Female, Gay Homosexuals like to attend Halloween parties in teeny tiny outfits that show a lot of skin and give a slight nod to a cultural icon or popular movie character. Below are some examples of Gay Halloween costumes, juxtaposed against the original, more conservative versions. Also included are ten tips for making your costume sexy. And yes, by “sexy” I mean offensively revealing and slutty.

Rule #1: Make sure your costume is easily recognizable.

Here is what an upstanding person would wear if they dressed up as Mario and Luigi:

If you’re a Gay Homosexual, find a way to make the costume sexy and provocative. Live a little! Nothing says iconic childhood video game character like leather gogo shorts, right?

Rule #2: Rely on cultural stereotypes.

Here is a straight man dressed as a Scottish:

And here is a Gay Homosexual dressed as a Scottish.

(Sidenote: I cannot confirm the sexual preferences of the above models. But come on, look at those faces. First one has a raging case of StraightFace and the second one has major Gayface). And yes, I realize it’s “Scot” not “Scottish” but I thought Scottish was funnier.

For cultural stereotypes, also consider going as a Sexy Indian:

Rule #3: You can always count on costumes that reference “masc” professions.

Like a police man.

What, you ask, is better than a cop? A sexy cop. Duh!

Here is how your typical dweeb dresses up as a sailor (no offense to the dweeb pictured):

And here is how a Homosexual Gay Eastern European dresses as a sailor:

Rule #4: Find a cherished cultural icon and ruin it for children forever.

Here is how this nerd dresses as Mickey Mouse, America’s most beloved rodent.

But why wear all those clothes when you can look this sexy?

A fun tip for Gay Homosexuals is that as long as you have one prop (like gloves or a hat) you can get away with wearing just a speedo or underwear. That totally counts as a costume. I’m serious.

Oh Santa, who brings us presents at Christmas:

And Gay Santa who is the present on Halloween:

Rule #5: If you can’t think of anything to be for Halloween, go with the basics.

Take, for example, this white dude dressed as a waiter:

Gay waiter costumes are like white person waiter costumes except with way less clothes and with way bigger muscles.

Rule #6: If you dress as someone poor or unsuccessful, make it sexy!

No one is going to want to hang out with you if you look like this gross convict.

However, if you cut off half your costume you will definitely make friends.

Rule #7: You can never go wrong with anything sports-themed. Unless it’s one of those pansy sports like figure skating.

Here’s a greasy dude dressed like an American football player:

And below is an even greasier Gay dressed as a football player. Even if he can’t throw a ball to save his life, his costume references sports. This is a good costume if you are looking to attract sporty masculine Gays who like masculine things like playing football and skipping down the street holding hands with other men.

Rule #8: Dress like a superhero. If you must wear pants, make sure you show off your giant biceps.

This is what a sensible person who doesn’t want to freeze to death wears to dress as Wolverine:

Let’s face it, Wolverine is a pretty Gay costume to begin with. The white tank top/muscle version is much sexier though. And for the Gays, if it’s Halloween and you’re not sexy you may as well stay at home alone. Eating a cake. Alone. By yourself. Alone.

Rule #8.5: The Ambiguously Gay Duo, while not totally relevant, is still a totally cute couples costume:

Rule #9: Guys like it when you dress up as something innocent (and naughty!).

For a Straight, an angel costume looks like this:

But that’s far too much coverage for a Gay Homosexual. For a Gay Angel costume, just get some enormous wings and tie a tiny handkerchief around your waist. This costume is also good because it practically writes its own come-on lines (“Did you fall from Heaven?” etc).

Rule #10: Have fun! (But don’t eat anything).

Straights Dudes, who attend Halloween parties fully clothed can afford to snack. Eat some candy corn! Grab a chip! Enjoy, Straights! Gay Male Homosexuals, however, should refrain from eating on Halloween. Because you are naked, it’s imperative that you drink liquids that dehydrate you whilst eating nothing. This will ensure that no unflattering pictures of you show up on Facebook. And let’s be honest, the real reason for Halloween is Facebook pictures where you look really hot.

as a long-time team-mate of Scottish Lad model #2, better-looking Tarzan in loin cloth, etc., I can confirm. he’s one of us. he is also incredibly nice (and not just, ‘nice for a guy who is so good-looking’), funny, and makes some pretty interesting art. and he’s a pretty darn fast swimmer, too.

Agreed, I believe it’s redundant…but apparently his way of saying gay man, or homosexual male…homosexual doesn’t imply gender, but I think this is overkill at an attempt to be humorous…most of the blatant ‘haha’ moments kinda flopped for me in this one.

It’s very embarrassing, as a gay man, to read this entry. It’s not ‘enjoyable amusing fun’ the way certain gay homosexuals like to be intentionally redundant. Orlando: you aren’t a child, you aren’t a twink, and you aren’t stupid. Don’t act like an idiot for the sake of being endearingly silly cute. Because as you can see, it’s not cute and it makes ‘gay homosexuals’ look uncouth and ignorant.

Everyone complaining about the author playfully being redundant needs to stop. If you’re bothered by playful, conversational writing, then you should get off the internet. And also don’t buy any books. Because that tends to happen. A lot. It’s called writing.

I like to do gay couples throughout time. The Hubs and I were Antony and Ceasar once, Blue and Red Power ranger once and this year I’m painting myself with blue latex so we can be Vanity and Hefty Smurf. Gay x 2!

I am going as sexy Cesear for halloween, and thanks to you I am going to force my man to be Antony! I was having such an issue with a couples costume because apparently slutty/sexy peter pan and slutty capt hook were too difficult. And because gays cant be the same costume on friday and saturday before halloween, I am also going to be a slutty/sexy wolf and he is going to be a slutty/sexy lamb. Duh.

I don’t think you understand what satire is. Though, I don’t think you understand much of anything. Considering you just criticized someone claiming that they’re the reason gays kill themselves… and then proceeded to ask him to kill himself. So, no. You would be the reason people kill themselves. You know, considering you just told someone to do that.

I’m pretty sure you are. I mean, look at the content of this page… and here you are. You were looking at all of the sexy scantily clad men and then you felt a little inkling of something going on betwixt your legs and suddenly you felt guilty and had to make sure the world knew that you aren’t one of those faggots… Meanwhile you run off to jerk off to Broke Straight Boys. It’s awfully lonely in that closet of yours. You should come on out.

I love this post, really made me smile. As an Englishman, with Scottish grandparents, living in Australia I don’t get much opportunity to dress up for Halloween, but I did like the straight man doing Scottish vs. gay man doing Scottish examples, I might have to get my kilt out (the leather one)

The indian racist? The holiday is all about playing characters as an actor doees. Saying playing a native american is racist is like playig count Dracula is politically incorrect because it stereotypes eastern Europeans from Romania. (lol)

Woah woah woah.
1. Colt, a white actor playing a Native American is racist; it’s a form of racism called whitewashing and is a problem for many actors who are, for example, ‘too black’ for a part, even if the part is for a black person.
2. Allan, Native American is a race, Scottish is a heritage. Either of these costumes belittles the culture of Native Americans or Scottish people. That’s not to say that dressing as a Scotsman or a Native American is necessarily belittling, but these certainly are reductionary.
3. Ed is right. You can argue all you want about how Dracula is a form of cultural appropriation, but it really doesn’t pan out, since he’s not supposed to be a real person (unless you count Vlad the Impaler, and somehow I don’t think he’ll mind being stereotyped).
4. This article is ‘clearly’ (I use the word loosely because, by the looks of it, it may have not been all that obvious), a joke, written to make fun of the fact that gay men’s costumes are oversexualized in a similar, albeit not quite equivalent, way that women’s halloween costumes are, and are also used, as many costumes are, in ways that belittle important aspects of certain cultures. They’re not promoting these costumes, but using them as examples. Ryancrobert probably has the closest idea for these. It’s a satire on the idea of turning these (mostly) important or cultural outfits and uniforms into sexy costumes.

It would be nice if the whiny arsed Politically Correct brigade would grow a sense of humor larger than their minuscule genitalia. I doubt teens are reading this; and if they are they can more often recognize a joke than these fun killing PC knob-heads, Grow up and get over yourselves and stop taking the fun out of life for everyone else. No one wants to party with the haters for Halloween.

There’s a difference between being racist to make a joke, and making fun of people that are unintentionally being racist. This is the latter. Learn the difference. It’ll help in life.
Do you also think that Stephen Colbert is homophobic? (Psst. He isn’t. He’s just making fun of the people that actually are. It’s this brand new thing called satire!)

Is the term SUPPOSED to be funny? If it’s not- it’s offensive, and shows ignorance on the part of the writer. It’s just strange. Love the pics and the comparisons, though. The term just makes me wince.

Who are these boring, painfully obvious people with the lame, stereotypical, unimaginiative, uninspired, shallow senses of humor that find this dreck even the slightest bit funny? You still buy-in to all this “gay look” crap? What decade, better yet, what century are you living in? It’s like “Keeping Up With The HardAssians.” Uuuuugggggghhh.

No, no, no…..what??? Even the writer doesn’t buy into it. For god’s sake they use the term gay homosexuals! It’s SATIRE….IRONY. The entire Blog post is OBVIOUSLY meant to be a joke. If you read the preface it’s beyond clear that the writer is intelligent and informed, and actually quite unhappy with the culture that is so pervasive with every halloween costume being about sex. But god, sometimes you’ve just got to laugh or you’ll cry. So JEEZ, let people laugh huh? Get over yourself, and just….laugh.

I’m laughing right now. I like wit. This shit is all so incredibly tired and boring. Old jokes based on outdated stereotypes. The kind of lame humor you’d find in a sad, two-bit drag show stand up routine or a “sex addicts anonymous” holiday email update. You really find it funny? Wow, you’re easy.

yeah, I guess I am easy. I don’t take life too seriously. And to be honest, I happen to be in a place in my life where every single one of my gay friends jokes about the “sexy” costumes on halloween, whether they go slutty or scary. sorry you’re in a place where you’ve gotten too bogged down by the bad in it all, that you can’t laugh at the ridiculousness of it anymore. *shrug* to each his own and all that.

This is totally feeding Gay Stereotypes. Where is the married Gay couple handing out candy!? Stop giving the conservative wing every ammunition needed to deny gay rights!!!! ACT LIKE A REAL LOVING ADULT AND LET YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF OUR COMMUNITY CHANGE!!! I am gay and i can’t say making everything tighter and shorter actually makes you sexy. If you are a model, maybe — if you are a normal gay guy you will just look like you are trying too hard to get something up your butt — that brings major negative attention and fuels the fire of hate and misunderstanding! ORLANDO SORIA, You are an idiot.

its all satire people. Orlando is actually trying to make a point about a subculture (albeit a super fun one) and the jokes are going over peoples heads. I guess we have to dumb things down for people and tell them what they are reading is meant as a joke.

Any fag who dresses up as a sexy whatever is tasteless, tacky, and insecure. Way to promote horrible body images ! To those of you reading this who might not look like these models, it’s okay, the vast majority of us fags make fun of these people and they usually end up at some random after hours and wake up with cold sweats and a sometimes fatal STD !!!

Wow, seriously? You claim that they’re promoting horrible body image… And then you go and make fun of them for exposing their bodies? No, sir. You’re the one with the horrible idea of body image. People can dress whatever way they want, no matter what body type they have. Having a positive body image does not mean “everyone has to look like THIS or else we make fun of them.”
Fuck off. Also, learn what satire is. Because that’s what this post was. Gain a brain cell. Thanks. Bye.

As a straight man, I can say that one of the major differentiators I perceive between gay and straight male language tends to be (but not always) the quality of adjectives used by my same-gender oriented brethren. Perhaps Orlando was using “gay” with a nod to its earlier meaning hoping that readers would get it; nobody likes partying with sour, old (in their heads) anybody – homo or hetero.

Seriously, this comment section is making me lose faith in the gay community. Do y’all REALLY not understand what satire is? I mean, jeeze. Do you people get offended every time Stephen Colbert opens his mouth too? Because it’s literally the exact same thing.

Is this supposed to be funny? Stupid article reinforcing insecurities in gay men who think they all must have eight pack abs and walk around naked to be “truly gay”. Fuck this, I’m going as an “upstanding Mario”.

These are awesome! I particularly like the Mario and Luigi idea. I’ve always wanted to dress up as that pairing with my husband, but hated the idea of adding a padded stomach. Plus, the original isn’t a very flattering costume. The unique leather version is much better, and you can still tell who they are.

believe it or not ppl, some of us live places where it gets really cold on Halloween. any non perv suggestions that involve more clothing? are all the gay men in my community really this sexually denied that they have to see almost naked guys every event they go to no matter what time of year. These should be pride suggestions

Today, I went to the beach front with my children.
I found a sea shell and gave it to my 4 year old daughter and said
“You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She placed the shell
to her ear and screamed. There was a hermit crab inside and
it pinched her ear. She never wants to go back!