What’s Your Fantasy?

Your private desires can hold the key to unlocking hotter sex. You don't even need to divulge them to indulge them.

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For years, my favorite fantasy has been consistent: A hot stranger takes me passionately in a semipublic place and uses inventive tricks (I put my leg where?) to deliver waves of pleasure. Then, at the moment of truth, my mystery man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom. Oh, YES! I scream in safe-sex ecstasy, pulling him toward me for the big finale.

Weird? Maybe. But each woman peppers her fantasies with unique details à la Captain Condom. In general, though, of the 96 percent of us who write, direct and star in personal pornos of the mind, according to a Self.com survey, most follow the same themes. It’s not surprising: Women tend to have similar feelings about sex and in life. Fantasies—aside from providing obvious orgasm-bestowing benefits—help us overcome, explore and indulge those inhibitions, fears and impulses, many of which we aren’t even aware of, says Michael Bader, author of Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies (St. Martin’s Griffin).

So, we’re pulling back the sheets! We polled readers to find the top 10 fantasies, then quizzed experts about their meaning and how to use them to spice up real-life sex. Relax—we’re not suggesting you have an actual ménage à trois or even ask your man to play a sexy stranger. “For most people, fantasies should stay just that. They’re never as erotic when acted out,” says Barry McCarthy, Ph.D., coauthor of Discovering Your Couple Sexual Style (Routledge). “You feel self-conscious.” What does work: mining them for information and using it as inspiration to add more fun and more steam to your encounters. Get ready to have the sex of your dreams!

59% fantasize about…Sex in Public

“In Grand Central Terminal in New York City, there’s a walkway with a wall of windows overlooking the concourse. I’m pushed up against one of the pillars having sex. If we move too much, we’ll be seen, but that’s the thrill! Little do all the commuters know what’s going on above!” —Teresa,* 41, Foxboro, Massachusetts

IN YOUR HEAD You get to toss aside self-consciousness and be the naughty, gotta-get-it-on-right-now woman. “It’s the equivalent of saying, ‘I am incredibly sexual, I love sex, and I don’t care who sees it. I dare you to catch me,'” Bader says.

IN YOUR BED Actual sex in public is as fun as peeing in the bushes—it’s messy and uncomfortable, and some creep usually gets a free show. But you can achieve the frisson of excitement you seek by making your contact less overt, says Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., author of Because It Feels Good (Rodale). Rub your hand up your man’s thigh under a table or cop a feel when pushed up next to him in a crowded bar or train. Wear easy-access clothes (panties optional!) and let those public acts prime you for a private one at home. The second you get inside: skirt up, pants down.

58% fantasize about…Sex with an Ex

“My ex-boyfriend had a strong, lean body and Gumby-like flexibility. I imagine that we’re going at it for hours in all sorts of crazy positions in different rooms of his apartment.” —Stephanie, 32, Chicago

IN YOUR HEADNo, this isn’t proof that you’re subconsciously pining for the guy, says Wendy Maltz, coauthor of Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women’s Sexual Fantasies (BookSurge). Your id could just be lusting after a sex act you loved or one particular sexual quality of his—e.g., his circus-performer bendiness, porn-caliber creativity or take-charge attitude during sex, she explains.

IN YOUR BED You don’t need to deprive yourself of whatever position, maneuver or dynamic you’ve been missing simply because it originated with an ex, Maltz says. But you do need to be careful about how you bring it up. Suggest that you and your partner try something “new” such as [fill in the blank]. We’re not saying you should lie, per se; merely get across to him how you want to explore whatever it is together (ahem). But, for obvious reasons, leave out where you got the idea!

56% fantasize about…Sex with a Woman

“I meet a mysterious, voluptuous Lara Croft type at a party and don’t realize she’s a lesbian. She lures me to her place, where she undresses me, and then we kiss, touch and have sex. I leave feeling pleasantly taken advantage of.” —Bridget, 32, London

IN YOUR HEADLesbian fantasies do not necessarily a lesbian make. More often, they’re simply a response to the fact that we women are damn sexy and portrayed as such in movies and magazines and, well, just about everywhere. “The fantasy can be a way of honoring your own sexuality and the lusciousness of the female body,” Maltz says.

IN YOUR BED If you want to voice a bit about your fantasy, don’t be shy. The cliché is usually true; men think about two women, too. But instead of inviting your Tomb Raider into bed, let a hot woman be a foreplay tool for both you and your mate. “If you’re watching a movie with a beautiful actress in it, talk about how sexy she is,” Ley says. “Start there.”

53% fantasize about…Being Dominated

“I’m in a dungeon, where a masked man is bossing me around. He says things like, ‘Take off your shirt’ before tying me to a cross or bench. He whips and spanks me a bit, but it never gets too violent. I completely surrender, loving that I don’t have to make an effort. He’s totally in control.” —Sarah, 36, New York City

IN YOUR HEAD Do you usually run the show at work or home? Are you always the vacation planner and decision maker? Domination fantasies may be your subconscious saying, Somebody else is in charge for a change and—whew!—I can finally relax and focus on feeling good, Bader says. They may also signal an unconscious guilt about sex—if you were always taught that nice girls didn’t want it, for example. “When you’re tied up, you aren’t doing anything wrong,” Maltz says.

IN YOUR BED You could invest in fuzzy handcuffs, but you’ll probably get more out of the fantasy by setting up and playing out the scene with words only. “Tying up and spanking overtly express the give-and-take of domination, but most couples I’ve talked to say the dialogue is the more arousing part,” says David Ley, Ph.D., author of Insatiable Wives (Rowman & Littlefield). Consider talking to your partner ahead of time about what you might want him to say or do. “You’re the submissive, but the scenario still focuses entirely on fulfilling your needs,” he says.

45% fantasize about…Two Men at Once

“It starts with me giving one guy oral sex while the other has sex with me. Then it moves to double penetration, one below me, one entering from above. They’re having their way with me, and I’m totally enjoying it.” —Kendra, 42, New York City

IN YOUR HEAD One man just isn’t enough to quench your unrestrained appetite for ecstasy! If you’ve been taught to keep a lid on your sexual pleasure, Bader says, a two-guy scenario liberates you.

IN YOUR BED In real life, threesomes usually add up to triple-strength jealousy, not triple-X fun. But your mate is probably more open than you think to incorporating a toy during sex and using it in new ways and places to, say, take you from orgasm (singular) to oh-Oh-OH-rgasms (plural). “Women don’t always understand that one of the most arousing things to a man is that his partner’s full sexual capacity is being fulfilled,” Ley says. Yup, even if it means having a little help.

56% fantasize about…Anonymous Sex

“I’m traveling alone and meet a man at the hotel bar. He comes up to my room, and we start kissing and undressing each other. There’s a lot of foreplay, and I’m excited because I can be anybody I want and do whatever I want—I’ll never see him again!” —Linda, 40, Minneapolis

IN YOUR HEAD You’re free! Stranger fantasies satisfy the desire to unabashedly express yourself and get your needs met, no strings attached. You don’t get bogged down in or need to worry about his feelings, what you should or shouldn’t be doing or what he thinks of you—all the things that may hold you back slightly in the real bedroom, Bader says.

IN YOUR BED “Meeting” your mate in a hotel bar to role-play may feel contrived. Besides, even if you try it and manage to avoid asking if he picked up the dry cleaning, totally ignoring everything you know about his likes and dislikes is tough. You want him to have fun, too. A better way to re-create the strangers-in-the-night thrill: Sprinkle your lovemaking routine (and let’s face it, monogamous sex can get routine) with unpredictability. “Anything that surprises him will excite you both,” Herbenick says. It can be as simple as flicking on the lights if you usually do it in the dark or swapping positions or the order of how things usually progress.

33% fantasize about…Being a Prostitute

“I’m a call girl who charges an insane amount of money. My clients recognize I’m a smart woman with good taste, and they can’t take their eyes off me—I have a great body and no cellulite! One guy is in love with me, of course, and after taking many exotic trips together, he tells me he wants me to stop hooking and be with only him.” —Rose, 41, Edgewater, New Jersey

IN YOUR HEAD You’ve seen Pretty Woman too many times. Just kidding. A hooker (or stripper) fantasy is usually all about being admired purely for your physical sizzle and undeniable sex appeal and prowess. You’re so beautiful and good in bed that people pay to have sex with you! There’s also a feeling of sexual freedom that goes hand in silk-gloved hand with this fantasy. You aren’t mom/wife/employee. “You’re pure sex!” Bader says.

IN YOUR BEDPut yourself in a completely carnal position by displaying your naked or lingerie-clad body to your partner pre-sex. Don’t slip under the covers. Don’t immediately start kissing. Lay out your goods on the bed and let him admire them. Stretch marks? What stretch marks?! Bulges? You have none! Your man’s too busy thinking about ravishing you to focus on anything else. One note: It can be hard to go from a client meeting or cleaning up your kid’s vomit to feeling like the embodiment of sex. Give yourself time to transition if needed. Take a shower and run your hands slowly over your breasts, butt and stomach as you suds up. This allows you to reconnect with your curves and your physical sexuality before you unleash it.

32% fantasize about…An Orgy

“My husband and I get dressed up and head out to a bar to meet some strangers, usually couples. We all go back to a hotel room, have some drinks and get into the hot tub, where everybody starts messing around with each other. It’s a lot of fun but also scary, which is part of the turn-on. I’m a bit of a prude in real life, but in the fantasy, I like that my husband enjoys watching me with other people, and I like watching him having fun, too. It’s a free-for-all!” —Charlotte, 39, Austin, Texas

IN YOUR HEAD “This is a grab bag of a lot of other fantasies,” Maltz says. “You’ve got at least two men, two women, strangers, different ages.” And all those people make it public. Some of the meanings of those other fantasies could apply here, but the big draw is in the tension and titillation of doing something so wild and unpredictable. No one is in control, and everything—including societal norms and relationship rules—is swept away, along with socks and undies, in a wave of passion, Bader says. “It’s arousing to believe that you’re sexually strong enough to be part of it,” Maltz adds.

IN YOUR BEDLike so many fantasies, the reality of an orgy rarely lives up to its imagined equivalent. There are, however, a lot of things that bring a similar sense of adventure and hedonism to an otherwise orderly sex life: toys, food (whipped cream, ice, ice cream), a video camera, porn. You don’t have to approach them seriously at first. It’s OK to joke; feeling a little uncomfortable is part of the experience.

16% fantasize about…Forced Sex

“A stranger jumps out of an alley and grabs me. He’s rough, both in appearance and sexually—not the sort of person I’d have sex with by choice. I’m physically resisting, but I also really want it. He rips off all my clothes, and it feels good.” —Patricia, 45, London

IN YOUR HEAD A rape fantasy may freak you out, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Unlike with real rape, there’s no threat of actual violence. The thrill may be, in part, about giving up control (see domination, at left), but also the aggressive way your fantasy lover handles you, McCarthy says. It’s arousing, in the safe boundaries of your brain, to think someone is so turned-on that he must forcefully take you right then and there. The aggression is in his attraction to you physically, so it’s not really physically threatening.

IN YOUR BEDRape fantasies are completely normal, but because no woman truly wants to be raped (duh with a capital D), they especially don’t translate well in the bedroom. You can add into the mix elements of roughness, however, and animal attraction. Start by asking your man to do things like push you onto the bed or against a wall, and undress and grope you more assertively than usual. Think more Mr. & Mrs. Smith, less Law & Order SVU.

14% fantasize about…A Mrs. Robinson Scenario

“I’m a casting agent and he’s a young actor reading for me. He has to take his shirt off for a scene, and I start touching him to position him for the camera. I can see he is turned-on but feels shy, so I place his hands on me. It’s clear he’s never been with a woman who knows what she wants. We have sex on the casting couch and I love ‘directing’ him.” —Jane, 40, New York City

IN YOUR HEAD Forget the cougar stigma for a minute. Young, hard bodies are hot and can, um, get harder almost on demand. But there’s also appeal in their innocence—and your control. “You have the power of sexual knowledge,” Maltz says.

IN YOUR BED “Many women don’t take charge during sex, but for guys, it’s exciting—a lot of them want direction,” Herbenick says. It goes back to them getting off on your getting off. So hop in the driver’s seat and tell your mate to buckle up. Have him close his eyes and rely entirely on your instructions. Move his hands where you want them and tell him what feels good.