About Fucking Time I Got My Hands On This Golden Dude – By Leonardo DiCaprio

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah! Yeah! About fucking time I got my hands on this golden guy. Wow!

First I’d like to thank my fellow actor. My collaborator in this process. That Bear. What a performance. If it wasn’t that the script required that I kill you, you should be standing beside me on this stage, clutching your own Oscars for Best Animal Actor. But the stench of your breath will live with me forever, so buddy, you’ll never be forgotten.

I’d like to thank the hashtag OscarsSoWhite campaign. Yeah! Thanks for raining on my parade. Finally, I’m about to catch a break, and here you go stealing my thunder. Seriously guys, thank you. Anyway, Rihanna’s got my back, so I guess it’s not all bad.

Lastly I’d like to thank Gisele, Kelly, Toni, Erin, Bar and the rest of the wonderful supermodels too numerous to mention. Over the course of the years, one supermodel after another, you have all helped me perfect my grunts and groans. This is the role that I have been rehearsing with you ladies all my life. I thank you all.

I know what you’re all dying to ask me, even viewers at home. Oh that raw bison liver! And the answer is an emphatic YES. I can still taste the raw entrails and blood in my mouth. Yuck! My doctor says I’ll never get rid of the taste on my tongue.

Well, I guess there’s always a price to pay for this magnificent golden dude. And I’ll do it all over again if I have to.