Post Calendar:

Nightbreed

Posted on Wednesday 09/21/2016 05:07:51

A friend of mine – whom I met on Facebook nearly two years ago – has rashly decided to become a member of KCL, despite my having warned her about the appallingly low standard of literacy of its members. Her user name is Nightbreed ‘After that old horror film.’ I had to look it up. 1990? 1990 is old?! Furthermore she impressed me by being able to set up an account here using an iPhone. I tried navigating the site to assist her without first being logged in and was unable to get anything at all to work. In fact I fared little better after logging in. Has anyone else noticed how most of the buttons on the home page don’t do anything? Anyway, she has found her way past the defences with which we surround ourselves, and is poised to create a blog.

I realise I don’t have to warn you to be nice to her. I know you will be. And I should like to tell you now that she knows all about me, so there is no point in your trying to embarrass me with references to my predilection for well-formed, visually appealing sentences, or of the teenage girls I allegedly keep in my basement. As for the sheep – well, I would like you to think of me as you do that fine man Mr David Cameron. When an Englishman is confronted with a dead animal, all he can think of is how he can simultaneously practice necrophilia and bestiality; that is just the way of it. There is no need to keep bringing it up in front of common friends. I hope we understand each other.

As I somewhat condescendingly told her of what to put in her first blog post: Don’t worry about saying much. The shorter the entry the better. Introduce yourself, so people will know your weaknesses. Mention you know me, and all will fear and respect you! Remember! Fear and respect!

Thank you. That will be all for now. You may go about your normal business.

09-21-16 05:12:09Simon Says:

Note: When I say ‘poised’ I should explain that since she lives in Japan, I am using the term loosely. ‘Poised to make create a blog at some time within the next day, assuming nothing goes horrifyingly wrong’ would be more accurate.

09-21-16 05:25:28Simon Says:

‘make create’? Delete one of those words according to your personal tastes.

09-21-16 05:34:00snow Says:

Welcome aboard, Nightbreed!

Although Simon, I am disappointed in the fact that you have not discussed the breakup of Branjelina!

09-21-16 05:49:55Simon Says:

Haha! Someone sent me an email from her phone within minutes of the press announcement. I am now for once in the position to say with authority ‘I have no comment to make at this present moment in time. I shall be discussing the matter with my lawyers.’

09-21-16 05:53:30lunamor Says:

I had no idea the basement girls were teenagers.

Huh.

Welcome, Nightbreed!

09-21-16 06:05:26Fritz The Bootlegger Says:

When you said "make create" I assumed you were either rapping everything now, or you were turning into Borat.

09-21-16 06:17:16Simon Says:

When I say ‘teenagers’ I am referring to the older ones, of course. I thought that was understood.

And Steve, it’s the old problem. I’ve tried medication, but it just makes things worse.

09-21-16 06:32:06Simon Says:

All right. Which one of you is responsible for gay porn appearing in my Facebook sponsored ads? I know it’s one of you.

09-21-16 06:41:58lunamor Says:

I just put "Gay Simon" in the search bar - I swear it wasn't to do with you!

09-21-16 07:06:37Simon Says:

Incredible though it may seem, I am myself responsible. The other day I was commenting to Nightbreed about what a pain in the neck it was mowing the lawn, and she said something about the smell of new mown grass. THAT instantly reminded me of an old sci-fi horror book that was read out on the radio when I was about 10 or 11, which gave me nightmares: it was called, as a Google search showed ‘A Scent of New-Mown Hay’.

Now here is the strange bit. In the sidebar of sponsored links, there appeared a set of books that were very, very obviously gay porn, listed as ‘Also searched for…’

I thought ‘What the hell?’ and, as you do, I clicked on a couple of them. You know, to make sure that the bloke on his knees was actually giving the other bloke a blow-job. AS YOU DO.

09-21-16 07:06:46Simon Says:

It took a while to work out the very simple connection: it just so happened by a stroke of fate that the two author’s names were the same: John Blackburn (no, not the same person). I even thought ‘Now I suppose I’m going to get loads of ads for gay porn.’

I never realised it would happen so quickly.

09-21-16 07:21:26fakebrunette Says:

Is that Avon as in the deliver to your home cosmetics company

09-21-16 07:42:11Simon Says:

I am no longer certain of anything.

09-21-16 08:29:37Simon Says:

Okay! Nightbreed can’t work out how to make a post using only her iPhone, or, specifically, she’s having a problem editing it using the HTML/Rich Text toggle button, which apparently doesn’t appear.

So if any of you are using a smart phone, and know anything about posting an entry, please reply here, where she can read it.

Thank you very much!

09-21-16 08:41:40lermontov Says:

Tina and her Nimbe te will probably help - my pone is only good for texting, calling and molling

09-22-16 02:38:32Fritz The Bootlegger Says:

In the home screen, scroll all the way to the bottom left, and you'll see a link that says "Write something in xxxxx." In her case it's probably Nightbreed.

Click on that and you'll see the new entry page. Unfortunately it doesn't let you use html. Write a title in the title box, and then the entry in the larger box underneath.

For me, it automatically centers the cursor so you'll have to back it all the way to the left.

Good luck!

09-22-16 10:55:42Simon Says:

Thanks, Steve.

The next obstacle is that she must become ‘an approved member’ before she can post anything. If any of you know what an approved member is, and can do anything about it, I would be grateful.

09-22-16 11:02:20lunamor Says:

Just approved. Nightbreed, blog away :)

09-22-16 11:07:34idoru Says:

Guess Nightbreed is an approp name considering both the film and here. Does that make KCL a version of Midian? ;)

09-22-16 12:36:37Simon Says:

Thank you, Jess! I knew someone could do it, and you are that person!

Graeme, I had to google it just to find what it was. I am sorry to say that I have not seen it. All I can say is that when I saw the name ‘Midian’ for some reason I thought of Midlothian – which sounds more like the name of a land in a horror-fantasy film to me.

09-22-16 06:52:12H3OsMama Says:

Term, so even your phone gets more action than the common man? Welcome, Nightbreed.

09-22-16 06:52:50snow Says:

Term!!!! hahahaha!

09-22-16 06:53:54H3OsMama Says:

Lerm. Dammit. Lololol!

09-22-16 06:54:24H3OsMama Says:

He said "pone"!!!

09-22-16 07:26:06Simon Says:

Term did indeed say pone.

The things that mobile phones do for people’s literacy.

09-22-16 07:39:30lunamor Says:

"Term did indeed say pone" just might be QOTD.

09-22-16 11:39:30lermontov Says:

Should be!

09-23-16 01:57:44Nightbreed Says:

Thank you, everyone! Idoru-san, yes, the way Simon describes KCL, it felt like a kind of Midian to me, hence the handle. Got it in one! :-)

09-23-16 02:26:07idoru Says:

He described us as .... monsters in hiding? ;p

/homepage

09-24-16 04:41:48Nightbreed Says:

I'd better ask him again. :-)

09-24-16 05:33:21Simon Says:

I believe the expression I used was ‘Like characters from a poorly-made horror film.’

09-24-16 08:18:59idoru Says:

There are far more poorly-made horror films than that one. It just happens to need a better edit and tighter, shorter script. But hey! The '90s.