STUDIO PLANNING NOT YOUR GRANDPA’S TREASURE ISLAND

A U.K. studio is planning a Treasure Island movie, but don’t get the wrong idea, it won’t be like those crusty old things your grandpa used to look at — what were those called? Books? Yeah, screw that. This is gonna be more like if Roxxxy the Sexbot got fisted by an iPad. I hope they call it Treasure Pterodactyl Planet.

Ecosse films wants to update the 19th century tale of pirates and buried gold for contemporary auds, playing up the relationship between Long John Silver and narrator Jim Hawkins. Silver’s character will be hipper, in the style of Robert Downey Jr’s interpretation of Sherlock Holmes. [Variety]

Okay, so when I wrote that opening paragraph I was expecting this to sound a lot dumber. Damned British people and their restraint. I’m just thanking God no one used the word “bromance.” But to be fair, if a gay subplot was ever in order, it’d be in a story about pirates. All that sailing around on a boat full of muscular outlaws, no women in sight. Look, I’m not sayin I’d bang a dude if I were aboard ship, but I’d sure as hell watch.