Monday, June 27, 2011

Yesterday I saw my first ever Chicago gay pride parade. I hadn't planned on going, but while cycling I just kind of stumbled into it. With Halsted and Broadway cordoned off and throngs of very colorful people streaming toward the street barricades, you really couldn't miss it.

And when I say colorful people, I'm not kidding.

Here's what I saw:

--- An apparent pizza enthusiast with his pizza order printed on his T-shirt. It said: "I'd like a large sausage."

--- A decidely un-military looking fat guy wearing Scottish camouflage kilts. Probably were army surplus from the Queen's Own Royal Scots Grenadiers, his apparent favourite military organization.

Camouflage kilts

--- Two avid lesbian members of the Wildlife Preservation movement showing their commitment to the cause with matching, "Beaver Patrol" T-shirts.

--- A rather large breasted girl with 2 body-painted arrows on her upper torso, one pointed at each of her melons along with the admonition: "Squeeze Me."

--- A 60-something gay male couple wearing only matching skin-tight jockey shorts -- black with rainbow waistbands -- apparently intended to share the contours of their sexagenarian buttocks' with the rest of us (EEEEEUUUUWWWW!!!)

--- An octagenarian Dawn Clark Netsch riding in an open car (EEEEEUUUUWWWW!!!)

I saw all this while planted at the corner of Cornelia & Broadway, near where someone had set up a University of Iowa alumni tent. One of the Hawkeyes there was a tall guy with chiseled movie-star good looks. He sported a black dago-T highlighted by a long strand of white pearls -- understated elegance, don't ya think?

Other things I noted:

--- The Chicago cops apparently give the gays a pass on open liquor consumption during the Pride parade. Everybody was drinking. Rahm's minions could have balanced the city budget in one swoop had they been issuing $50 tickets for this municipal infraction.

--- From Rahm and Pat Quinn down to water reclamation commissioners, a lot of Chicago pols rode in the event. There was not a single Republican -- after all there is not a single Republican elected official anywhere in Chicago.

--- Lefty Congresswoman, Jan Schakowsky's butt must be expanding uncontrollably or maybe the allegations of a lesbian tryst with a Turkish woman made her want to tone it down, but she didn't wear her customary gay rainbow hotpants this year, instead settling for a bulky blue and white dress. Her felon husband, Bob Creamer held down the rear of her large parade entourage by driving her sound truck.

Socialist Dem. Jan Schakowsky
never misses the Gay Pride parade

--- Liberal lakeshore State Rep. Sara Feigenholtz (D-Chgo) played a campy cross-dresser, throwing out mardi gras beads from her open car in a multi-colored wedding gown, complete with veil

--- Liberal Dem States Attorney, Anita Alvarez came costumed as a policewoman dominatrix. But she seemed uncomfortable in the role, kind of shyly cowering near the back of her float. Her numerous assistant States Attorneys on the float seemed to more than compensate for her lack of enthusiasm.

--- Liberal Rogers Park Alderman, Joe Moore, was a no-show, but his campaign sound truck treated the throng to a rousing rendition of ABBA's "Dancing Queen."

--- For all the hoopla over the artistry of the gay community, I didn't see a single live musical act or marching band (one group marched around banging on drums) only canned music from machines.

--- There was a large contingent of gay unionized Chicago Public school teachers marching there and a very large contingent of Chicago public librarians.

The funniest line I heard while standing on the sidelines was when the Chicago Cubs trolley car rolled by and a guy near me said to his boyfriend, "Oh look --- gay Cubs fans." The boyfriend retorted: "No, the Cubs are gay."

With the Cubs playing .403 ball, 12 games behind in the NL Central, who can argue with that?

You're probably right. We all, Italians and non-Italians alike, used to call them dago-Ts in grammar school and I'm not enough of a fashion trendy to have been able to think of another word to describe them.

A Word From The Publisher:

About The Chicago Lampoon

Chicago is a very funny city.

In fact, it is a windswept glacial burg that is the source of a never-ending supply of knee-slappers and outright horselaughs.

From the neophyte community organizer that it foisted on an unsuspecting American electorate to the mop-topped sociopathic boy-Governor that it sent to the Letterman show, to its storied depression era, tommy-gun toting philanthropists, it has produced some truly amusing and amazing characters.

It has a Mayor who is a former ballet dancer, who served in a foreign army and who threatens political enemies by sending them dead fish in the mail. It has 50 sleepy Alderman and 5, usually somnolent professional sports franchises

It has two Jesse Jacksons!

It has more potholes per capita than Nairobi, a creaky 1940s-era elevated train system and cops who get caught on videotape punching out bar maids and businessmen.

As we have since 2009, we are only going to report and comment on what actually happens in Chicago. To make up stuff this weird would tax our inventive capabilities to the limit (or at least as high as the, highest-in-the-nation, Cook County sales taxes.)

Meet The Editors

We're somewhere between Burkean conservatives and bomb throwing anarchists depending on the mood of the moment and the amount of restorative libation we have recently consumed.
But we're usually able to couch our maunderings in some pretty good journalistic prose.