January 14, 2003 (idea)

Commercials. Advertisements. Sales pitches. Call them whatever you want, but no matter how much we hate them the marketroids continue to produce them in an attempt to brand the name of a product into our collective consciousness. What amazes me is that one would think the marketroids would want us to have a favorable image of their product in our minds. If that is the case, then why are so many commercials so damn annoying?

Take, for example, the following commercials. I will make a conscious effort not to buy from the following firms simply because I hate their commercial. If I ever have the opportunity I will have the following commercials wiped from my brain, Total Recall-style.

Chili'sHuman Beatbox - This guy is either rapping the praises of babyback ribs or he's having a seizure. This commercial is a series of shots of a full-body spaz attack intercut with shots of beef. The message I get from the ad: "Come to Chili's and be a freak!"

Disney's Animal Kingdom Is "Nahtazu!" - The Walt Disney World safari park commercial features Mr. African Stereotype Man shouting "Nahtazu!" over and over and over and over again to convey the message that the Animal Kingdom safari park is "not a zoo". After seeing this commercial I understand why Elvis used to shoot at televisions.

That Mexican Food Product That Uses The Macarena As Their Jingle - I'd tell you the name of the product, but I'm coming close to erasing this commercial from my mind and I don't remember the actual brand name. Whatever it is, it's some kind of Mexican-food-in-a-box product that uses the Macarena as their jingle, but with altered lyrics to hype their grande product. "Hey, 1996 called. It wants its song back."

Robert Townsend for Burger King - This commercial made my list because of the tail-end of the ad when Robert is talking about how the large size of the Whopper and how little children could be crushed by it. He starts yelling "Mama heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!" over and over in a voice that could surely raise the dead (who would promptly tell him to shut up).

Commercials such as these are the reason the Mute button was invented. What I need is a device that monitors commercials and when a commercial I deem horrible comes on, it automatically flips the channel for thirty seconds. Someone get to work on that, OK? And don't advertise it or else I might hate your commercial, too.