Senator Lindsay Killed In Protective Custody

The US Marshals are calling it a “freak macchiato accident,” the mainstream news is refusing to cover it and the left has already written it off as “oh what a shame he died before any justice was served.” New Jersey Senator Herman “Hal” Lindsey was pronounced dead less than an hour ago.

The Senator was in an undisclosed location enjoying a warm summer day for all anyone knew, until his protection detail realized his afternoon nap was going a bit long. They discovered him dead in a hammock of “natural causes,” citing a heart attack most likely brought on by the stress of the situation as the culprit.

Lindsay, who was scheduled to appear in several courthouses and in front of Congress to give testimony against the Clintons in a drug smuggling ring involving their foundation’s cargo ships. Lindsey was given immunity for what he knew, which will now be buried right along with him.

Lindsay was scheduled to give his official deposition on the charges tomorrow, so his side of the story has yet to be legally and permissibly recorded.

Trey Gowdy, who is furious that he won’t get the only witness he’s ever been able to list who had anything real on a Clinton, said he will make sure the murder of Senator Lindsay won’t go unpunished:

“Hal was a good man who was taken from us far too soon. Sure he had his iundiscretions and he was a Democrat, but right now he’s what may take down Hillary Clinton, making him a hero to every true American today.”

You can bet your bottom dollar that no matter how hard they try, they will never get anything concrete on the Clintons. Still remaining out of the public eye, their spokesman Christopher Blair said:

“I think in this case the Clintons are feeling pretty good going with the “this never actually happened” defense, which is what they’ve claimed so many times before and been succesful. The tactic usually works best when the issue at hand actually never happened or the person killed never bothered to really exist in the first place. We’re gonna let the lawyers handle suing some really stupid people over this one.”

They have some real nerve, don’t they? Just because they say someone never existed doesn’t make it true, even if it is. They think they’re so special in their ivory towers with their million dollar travel budgets we pay for. Hopefully one of these poor dead people will actually do somebody some good.