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Sunday, August 04, 2002

The feeling of inadequacy

Shopping for groceries is one of those things you gotta do once in a while. At the supermarket you tend to see many things, and many people of different characters and backgrounds. Sometimes you meet these first timers, virgins heh, wandering around trying to fit in, looking around suspiciously to see if others are looking at them. Yesterday, however, as I was lining up at the counter the man in front didnt have enough cash at the last minute, so he told the cashier to take off some items from the list, milk, butter...it was an awkward moment for him, and you could see in his eyes that he wanted to just settle it and get away as soon as possible. Out of pity I would have helped him out. But what would warrant such behaviour? If I was him I wouldn't want anyone to come to my aid, yes it is a nice thing to do, but then it might just make it worse, because it would seem as though I'm offering help that he doesn't need because when you are helping as others watch on you create more of a scene than necessary.

So I just looked on, and wondered if I had ever been in that situation. And to think of it, yes, I have. There were times when I had forgotten to bring something, or I left my wallet at home and all I had was change and I needed to get some groceries but I didn't want to drive all the way back to get the wallet. In that instance, I definitely wouldn't want someone else to offer me money, since it wasn't as if I hadn't any. But for those who are seriously in a less fortunate situation, I think I know how the feeling of inadequacy feels. Its a gripping, wounded feeling you get as you feel as though everyone is watching with sympathies or scorns, both of which can't be good in any way whatsoever.

Most recently the telephone company called me up and asked if I had received my bills coz they haven't received payment in months. I was like umm...no. I thought that was cool, I'm living on the edge, that kinda thing. But yeah, when they really do cut off my line that wouldn't be that cool then. Would that be moving towards a more simple life? Simply by not paying bills?

I'm on a semi-streak of inspiration so I will be updating my site every now and then. I already put something up a few minutes ago. Thought that up in the toilet, imagine that. www.elby.net