I often wonder why it is so hard to trust God. I always feel a hesitancy, a lack of confidence, always questioning whether this is the right thing to do. I feel a deep sense of insecurity, always expecting the worst will happen. Yet I feel this pull, this invitation to trust. Don’t get me wrong, I want to trust Him, I want to feel secure in Him. But I always feel this tension.

My 6 year old son attends a nearby Catholic School and one day during bedtime prayer, he decided to pray the ‘Hail Mary’ before going to bed. He recited the prayer exactly- I was thoroughly impressed that he was able to do it. For his age, I thought it would be hard to do, but he did it with such ease and confidence.

Depending on who you talk to many Christians from a variety of church traditions and denominations have different opinions about Mary. Some put her on really high pedestal and from the way they talk you would think they put her on the same level as Jesus himself. Meanwhile, others in my opinion have too low of a view of Mary. They seem disenchanted and offended that people pray to her- albeit I remember in Bible College I asked my Catholic friend this very question and she responded that they aren’t praying to Mary- instead they are asking Mary to pray for them just like how I would ask you to pray for me in my moment of need. It was a very interesting response.

I hate ironing my clothes. I find it inconvenient especially when you are in a rush to wherever you have to go. As I ironed my shirt I saw my son watching me curiously and I thought it would be a good time to teach him something – a moment to say something wise. I told my 3 year old not to touch the iron because it can get really hot and it would burn his hand. He nodded his head like he understood and said “yes Daddy, I won’t touch that”.

As Christian kid growing up in the 90’s and in the early 2000’s, it never occurred to me that the Bible was one big story. I was never taught that the Bible had an overall narrative arc and plot. Most Bible Studies that I went to and the sermons that I heard at church only concentrated on a certain verse or passage, which sometimes dangerously had the potential to put a passage out of context. It wasn’t until I heard a sermon by the great Timothy Keller where he wonderfully put together how the Bible fuses together as one giant narrative arc. Now don’t get me wrong focussing on a passage isn’t inherently bad or wrong. I just feel that sometimes it misses out- that it isn’t complete. It doesn’t touch on the beauty of context and the beauty of the passage illuminated with the rest of the story

Most Christians would say yes, of course he loves us. Seems like a simple question to answer. When I was a little boy, one of the first things I learned from my parents was that Jesus loved me. My mom’s favorite song was Jesus Loves Me, she would sing it to us when we were kids- in fact, when my kids were babies she would sing and hum the tune before putting them to sleep. My mom put a “Jesus Loves the Little Children” poster in our room. So if anything, we knew- we knew that Jesus loved us.

My kids get on my nerves sometimes. They do things that rile you up to the point your body is filled with rage. My youngest son, Isaiah, has developed a habit of running away in the most inconvenient and inopportune times. We were at Sportchek the other day buying Jalen skates and Isaiah would just run off without saying anything. He’s brave enough to go by himself in unknown parts without us knowing it. My heart starts beating wondering where he is and when I find him I angrily tell him that this is not ok. And you would hope you would get an apology or some feelings of remorse like “I’m sorry, Daddy” but what I got was laughter! As if it’s so funny, that it’s all one big joke- a comedy show. And as a parent his mocking laughter just makes you even more incensed.

I’m reading a book called, “The Imperfect Pastor” by Zach Eswine and a certain paragraph in the book in particular caught my eye, in many ways it convicted the heart and the soul. But when you read it, there is nothing profound about it, it’s actually very basic. Yet it stirred my heart, probably because there was so much truth in it. The paragraph read:

“Jesus was lovely to you. He had saved you. He had communicated his love for you. He was all treasure, true, pleasurable, satisfying, and altogether beautiful. He was your portion. He was your desire. It was this ravishing provision of Jesus that roused your affections to serve Him in the first place with your life in vocational ministry” (The Imperfect Pastor, Zach Eswine, p. 31)

Over the Christmas holidays, I got a chance to look back at 2015 and reminisce on the good times, the bad times, the disappointments, lessons learned, the stories- you name it. 2015 like almost every year was a roller coaster ride full of ups and downs- confusion, desperation, thrills and bumps. A year filled with many stories.