Monday, December 11, 2017

Last year at Christmas, I was consumed and overwhelmed by the thought of the "fullness of time". In the "fullness of time" God brought forth His son...Jesus. It awed me that He orchestrated an entire universe to prepare for the birth of His son through His servant Mary. The concept floored me. It brought me to tears even. It was too marvelous to even comprehend. The entire world at that moment was completely ready for the Advent of the Christ child. Astonishing.

This year, the word "Advent" is making its impression on me. The very word that means "coming" and we use to mirror the anticipation of the coming Messiah. I can't quite get away from it...from the thought of an entire nation waiting and anticipating the fulfilled prophecy...the promise.

Many of us think that Advent begins in Luke with the announcement to Mary that she would be the earthen vessel in which the Lord's Son would grow and be birthed...we reflect on the very nature of Mary...who she had to be...the beauty of her faith and willingness to do what the Lord had called her to do.

But truly, this first season of Advent began in the Garden...with Eve and then Adam...with the fall of man...when sin entered in. I'll be honest - I have a hard time reconciling the events of Eden. I've asked the question (and received good sound answers) "How could God, who is all knowing and loving, allow His creation to walk away from Him?" Even with the good sound answers, my mind is bewildered that He allowed this to happen. But happen it did...and here we are. Dirty, rotten, undeserving...yet...

When Eve and then Adam entered into sin...when separation from God became the new reality...when the world took on the death sentence laid out by Adam and Eve's disobedience...God's redemption plan began. From that moment, God began laying the foundation for His plan to redeem not only the Israelites - His chosen people - but the entire world.

And just as the Jews waited and anticipated the coming Messiah, we as Jesus followers today are in a new season of Advent. Waiting and anticipating the return of our Lord to right every wrong and restore His Kingdom.

Thursday, November 2, 2017

This title is a true statement. For some of you, giving up coffee for 31 days doesn't seem like a huge deal...but for me it was.

I love coffee. I love drinking coffee. I love the smell of coffee. I'm thankful for the huge caffeine boost coffee gives me most days.

I've been drinking coffee since I was a child. There is a story that my great-grandmother gave me coffee in a bottle. I always envisioned this as little baby me, nursing on a bottle at under a year old. This vision was shattered when my mom told me I was closer to 2. But that's still a young age, no matter what.

But I gave it up...and some other things too.

Why?

Because my world had become increasingly "loud"...busy...overstimulating. And I needed to cut through the noise and get some peace and some focus.

This year I've struggled with decisions - big & small. Things that shouldn't be a hard choice I made harder by over-analyzing and over thinking. I kept coming back to this idea of fasting. Removing some of the "junk" that was taking up the space in my mind. But I put it off...and then put it off again...and once more. Finally in September I was struggling with a decision and I said "OK...I'm putting some of this stuff to rest...I'm going to re-focus." I decided October would be the month. I wanted a full month - 1st to 31st.

I began to make a list of the things that consume my time & that I had made essential that weren't truly essential. And I decided to forego them all, for the most part. I made some concessions beforehand...I'll describe below...but this is the list that came to me - the things I felt like I needed to give up:

1 - Coffee - I will not tell you again how much I love coffee but I do. And I knew that I could not truly fast without giving this up. I would also like to say that I handled this like a trooper...but I have people (or really just one person) who would be able to tell you I didn't. In fact, I'm actually starting this post a few days before the end of the month and on this very day, giving up coffee was the hardest. I literally could smell someone's coffee from the basement of our office wafting up to my office. The fact that I didn't attack said person for the coffee should be commended, though. And what did I learn from leaving coffee out of my day to day? That I go to sleep much earlier.

2 - ALL beverages except water & green tea - I don't actually drink a lot of other beverages other than coffee & water, but I did give up occasional soft drinks as well. I allowed green tea because I need a little caffeine and because of the health benefits. I did have one cup of wild orange tea & one cup of lemonade at a vendor event where they didn't offer water.

3 - TV - I will be honest...Netflix consumes a great deal of my time. I usually have something on when I'm in the house, I fall asleep watching TV, and a Netflix binge is one of my favorite ways to pass a Saturday or Sunday afternoon. Instead, during this month I listened to music & podcasts, read a lot, and kept up to date (for the most part) on my Bible reading. I'm seriously considering limiting my TV time to Saturday's & Sunday's. For the most part, this wasn't terribly hard, but I did have a day toward the end of the month that was blah and I really wanted to watch something that was an "easy" watch. Also, I ended this a little early...I wanted to watch Hocus Pocus before Halloween...so I did. But the TV went off right after that.

**Before I began my fast, I did make concessions on weekends when D was at the house. We watch TV together a lot and he's not fasting. So, I didn't want to disappear & leave him by himself when he was watching something. This was the only time I allowed myself to forego the TV fast...but often I was reading while he was watching.

4 - Sweets, desserts, candy - My lunch & dinner are not complete without a little dessert - candy, cookies, cake, what have you. These should be non-essentials & special occasions, but I've made them a necessity. So I cut them out. This one didn't go *quite* as well, though. I had already made concessions for the two birthdays that I knew I'd be celebrating during October - life is too short to NOT have birthday cake; however, I made 5 cakes during the month of October, one of which was a chocolate pound cake for D. I needed to taste it...twice. ;) Instead of sweets, I tried to make sure I had sweet fruits in the house - i.e. grapes - to give me that "sweet" taste.

5 - Facebook & Instagram - I knew if I wanted to give this up, I would have to physically delete the apps from my phone. I am embarrassed to tell you the level of anxiety I felt when I went to bed on September 30th & deleted those apps. So many thoughts went through my head...how will I know what's going on with all my Facebook friends? What if I miss something? And as I battled these thoughts, a growing thought overtook them all...that this obsession with 24/7 information is why I needed to give them up. So I deleted the apps...not my accounts. I did reinstall Instagram to post a little birthday wish for my nephew, which I shared to Facebook as well, but I deleted it as soon as it was posted. The only other time I was on Facebook was for company stuff (I'm an admin on our company page) or if that was the website for a business I was looking for information. I knew this was were the most traffic & noise in my mind was coming from. They had to go. I realized, though, very quickly that this is where I get all of my information - news (both real & fake) on world events. So, I had to look to other avenues for news information. I also realized that this was my "go to" when I was bored. Sometimes it was what I was doing when I should be engaging with people. And for these reasons, I knew it needed to go.

This past month has really been amazing. There were two things I was considering for next year & trying to figure out how to fit them in because hey...I'm gonna have a graduate in May & we need to celebrate that! I have peace that one needs to be left for now...the other needed a "yes". There are still some things that I need resolution on, but I feel like the answer isn't for right now. And I'm OK with that.

Overall, though, I've enjoyed the quiet. And I know that means I need to let some of these things rest more in my life. I need to stop allowing Facebook & Instagram...as well as Netflix...have such a huge hold in my life. Most of all, I am thankful for the peace that I've gained in some areas of my life.

Monday, September 4, 2017

Vacation Book Review #4 - Start: Punch Fear in the Face, Escape Average, and Do Work That Matters by Jon Acuff

I'm including this in my vacation book reviews because I started this while on my vacation, today is a Holiday - so technically still vacation, and because this is my blog & I can do that. :)

I started following Jon Acuff on social media a few months ago. I honestly don't know what drew me in but I'm sure that it was some silly picture with a clever caption that was the perfect blend of sarcasm & dry humor. That's my kind of humor. So, he started promoting his next book, Finish, and I'm not sure exactly why but I pre-ordered it. I clicked the "pre-purchase" button on Amazon and in exactly one week from tomorrow it will arrive in my mailbox. And then I found out that he wrote a book called Start...and I'm all about reading things "in order"...so I bought this one.

I enjoyed the book immensely. It's full of humor but, more importantly, it is full of practical advice based on his own experiences in going from average to awesome. I enjoyed the real life examples from his own life, as well as other successful people. What I most appreciated about the book was the action guide in the Appendix. So many books in this genre lay out a great plan for moving toward a goal & then pat you on the back & send you on your way...and 6 months later you the reader are thinking "remember that great book with all that great advice that I'm doing nothing with?"

Also, I think this book would be GREAT for high school/college graduates trying to start their own path toward awesome. Although I would recommend it for anyone who feels like maybe they should be moving in a different direction. I think the book gives some very tangible & concrete methods for determining your own path to "awesome".

I will most likely re-read this one with a notebook & pen close by. I feel like I need some notes...and I will need to use the action item section.

My only complaint about the book has nothing to do with the book itself. I purchased the book on my Kindle because I wanted it instantly and didn't want to hope that Amazon Prime would deliver my book before I was going out of town on Sunday. The Action Guide refers back to page numbers in the book; my Kindle edition only has "locations" not page numbers (this annoys me for every e-book that doesn't provide page numbers). This is going to make it a little harder for me to refer back to the specific sections that are referenced in the Action Guide. Come on Amazon...get it together.

I really blame myself...EVERY time I buy a book like this on e-book I regret it because I can't highlight pages...which I KNOW I can highlight electronically, but I can't flip through the electronic version as easily to see exactly what I've highlighted. I really should have been more patient and waited for the hard copy...

This is the last of my vacation reviews...and I did write this at 11:30pm on Monday night because I knew if I waited until tomorrow at 5pm, the vacation/holiday magic would be over and I would not write it. Life & reality. *sigh*

I am in a weird reading place right now...for months I've had a stack of books (not the same ones) that were next on my reading list...and now...there is no stack! I have a few that I would like to re-read...maybe I'll tackle a few of those while waiting for Finish to arrive in my mailbox. Or I will attempt to read one of the 3500 that I've downloaded (mostly for free) on my Kindle. :)

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Confession: I'm not sure I really read the description of this book when I saw it on Bookbubs or Early Bird Books...or the description was more vague than I realized. Also, I DO tend to judge books by their cover...and the cover on this one may have caught my eye.

This book was somewhat sad...in many ways. Camille is a successful modern day matchmaker in New York City. She is diagnosed with a reoccurrence of cancer at Stage 4 and has pretty much accepted her death sentence. Using her skills as a matchmaker, she decides to find a new wife for her husband.

As could be predicted, this causes all kinds of issues. It's an interesting idea of a terminally ill loved one trying to take care of her family, even though it's a bit unorthodox for the loved one to find their "replacement". The characters are likable & even if you don't agree with the method, there are back stories for both the husband & wife that help you to understand why this would even been an option.

The book was alright. I can't say I loved it, although I feel it was a very good read. Perhaps my more traditional ideas of family & marriage have influenced my "like" of the book.

Not altogether terrible.

My next book is Start by Jon Acuff. I've recently started following him on social media & actually have pre-ordered his book coming out September 12th, Finish. Although he's made it clear that you don't have to read one before you read the other, I decided to get into it. Probably won't finish this one before the vacation ends, although Monday is a holiday...which means my "reality" doesn't really start until Tuesday! :)

Thursday, August 31, 2017

I was most interested to read this book for two reasons - #1 - It is Young Adult Fiction. I love YA fiction...it is one of my favorite genres. #2 - The book is not only set in NC (I love most books set in my state) but it is set at the Biltmore Estate in Asheville. The book did not disappoint.

Serafina is a 12 year old who has lived most of her life hidden in the basement of the Biltmore mansion. Her father is one of the original builders and stayed on to take care of the electrical system serving the mansion in the late 1800's. Serafina befriends Braeden, the orphaned nephew of the Vanderbilts who has come to live at Biltmore Estate. Together they try to discover who is kidnapping the children of the guests at Biltmore and who is ultimately trying to kidnap Braeden.

The book is written for middle grades and follows a great story line. Even while Serafina & Braeden are trying to solve the mystery of the Man in the Black Cloak, Serafina is learning about who she really is. I believe the book also pays proper homage to the grandeur of Biltmore Estate and also to the Vanderbilts, who by all accounts were kind & generous people. Various aspects of the Biltmore house are mentioned in the book, including many of the popular rooms and areas that can be seen on the present-day public tours. It is apparent that the writer has researched the history of the house, mentioning things such as Cornelius Vanderbilt's desire to build a self-sustaining estate with modern amenities including indoor plumbing & electricity, things that weren't available in many the homes of even the most wealthy at the time Biltmore was constructed.

The book almost has a Harry Potter feel, not exactly like HP but the same general feel of a bit of magic, a bit of mystery, and a young adult trying to learn exactly who they are in the world. I believe that this story may have originated much in the same way as HP, as bedtime stories for the author's children; Robert Beatty lives in Asheville. I am surprised that these are the first stories that have been imagined about life at Biltmore. That may be a narrow viewpoint, since I do live in NC & have been to Biltmore several times.

Serafina has been published by Disney * Hyperion, the publishing arm of Disney. I expect this book to be made into movie format in the next few years. I think it would translate excellently to film. I was hoping that filming had already begun - I did find this book trailer on Youtube...which I was pleased to find out features the author's daughter portraying Serafina:

All in all, an excellent read. There is no "language" or "suggestive themes" in this book and has the right amount of mystery without being terrifying. I think that younger children would enjoy the story, even if they aren't old enough to actually read the book on their own. It would be a great read aloud book!

Next book on my vacation reading list is The Replacement Wife by Eileen Goudge. This is another that I saw in one of my discount e-book e-mails & requested from the library.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

I read a lot. Not as much as I would like to, but a lot. I'm hoping to read 45 books this year; next year I'll up it to 50. My favorite genres are fiction...non-fiction is a struggle for me but sometimes I'll find a good biography that will suck me in. I posted a couple of books that I had read & was planning to read on vacation & someone mentioned doing a review. I have never done a book review before, not even on Goodreads...mainly because I read the reviews, pick them apart, roll my eyes at the shallow views that these people sometimes have...and...well...you can probably see why I wouldn't write a review.

First of all, a confession - I didn't really know who Natalie Wood was. I had heard the name & perhaps a bit about her suspicious death, but didn't really know WHO she was. I was shocked to find out she was little Susan Walker in Miracle on 34th Street, a movie I've seen at least 100 times. This book showed up in my Bookbub or Early Bird Books as a discount e-book. The description intrigued me & I requested it from the library. I actually renewed this book 4 times before I actually dove in...mostly because I had other things come in that had to be read before I could move on and also because I had read another "true crime" biography that was horribly boring. So, I wasn't sure what to expect here.

This book definitely exceeded my expectations. It was an interesting look at the suspicious death of Natalie Wood Thanksgiving weekend 1981 (BTW...I was only 5 when she died...so yet another reason I didn't know who she was). I thought the writing was done well and the book definitely followed a very logical telling of the events that transpired that weekend. One critique I saw in Goodreads reviews was that the book was too long. It is fairly lengthy, but the book explores how Woods' death affected one of her friends, one who knew more than he originally told. It took years (almost 30) for Davern (former Splendour captain) to be able to reveal everything and to be in a place where he felt comfortable divulging the facts of that night.

If you enjoy "true crime", I would definitely recommend this book. I think you will find, just as many others have, that there were key things overlooked in the very brief investigation of Natalie Woods' death, things that should've given investigators pause & reason to investigate further than they did.

My next vacation book is Serafina & the Black Cloak. Another friend read this over the summer...and when I looked at the description I realized it is a Young Adult Fiction set at Biltmore House...two things I love! Stay tuned! :)

Thursday, June 22, 2017

This post may be long...in fact, I may split it in two. And I have to go ahead & qualify, some of this is going to be vague...because while there are things that didn't happen to me directly they impacted me greatly. But they are not my stories to tell or they aren't the stories that I can tell right now. And finally, this post is going to be a little raw...a little transparent...a little hard to put "out there" and even harder to know that people are going to read it; however, I think it's important. And I've had these words swirling around in my brain for months...they demand to be put down on paper...or computer screen...or what have you...

So here goes...

In 2015 I participated in 2 missions trips...both extremely life changing. In ways that I couldn't have even imagined. The effects of these combined trips have affected my life from henceforth and, I believe, directly altered the path of my life...in so many good ways. There will be more to this in the future...but for right now, vagueness #1. ;)

In coming back from Armenia the first time, I struggled. Struggled with seeing the world from a different viewpoint...struggled with reconciling my life here in the US after being out of the country...and, quite honestly, struggled to regain a normal sleep schedule after crossing basically 8 time zones. Jet lag is serious business & a monster that almost took me under. I could not sleep regularly for about 2 months. I don't really know if it was the jet lag or just the combined stuggles...but this was a tough period in my life. Jet lag is the only thing I really remember about the time period other than a small bit of depression. There were days that I had to make lists...like a chore list - do laundry, paint toe nails, watch this show - or I would just sit in a chair & stare at the TV aimlessly until I felt it was sufficient time to go to bed...and not sleep. Slowly, the fog lifted and life became "easier"...you know, as easy is life can really be. God had already been working to reveal some pretty major things in my life BEFORE I went on this trip...all good stuff...and He was continuing to work in my life.

Early in 2016, I committed for another trip to NYC & then with Dylan to Armenia. But what was more significant was the awareness that God was asking me to leave the Children's Ministry at our church. It was bizarre to me...and I truly struggled. I didn't understand. Children's Ministry had been my passion for as long as I could remember. I had been serving in one capacity or another in our children's ministry since the day they told me I could be a nursery worker...at 13 or 14. I had taught Sunday School, Children's Choir, worked in Children's Church...and I felt like that's where God had gifted me...but all of the sudden, He said "It's time to go." So, in June of 2016, I taught my last Clubhouse lesson and said farewell to Children's Ministry.

I don't find it coincidental at all that our church began to discuss hiring a Children's (& Youth) Minister as I was struggling to determine how God could ask me to give up this ministry. It was the confirmation to me that I wasn't mistaking what God was telling me; but it was still confusing to me.

When someone has their identity so tied up in a ministry, even if they aren't a "full time minister", leaving that ministry is hard. Even when God says to go. All of the sudden, I didn't really have a "place" in our church. And as much as I struggled to leave children's ministry, it was a struggle to find a new identity within my church. I re-joined our church's Praise Team because this was something I had done before I completely committed to children's ministry service full time on Sunday mornings. It was the one thing that I had missed so much and was so excited to come back to. I love music...I love God speaking to me through music. But once again, I struggled...I struggled with insecurity about my place in this team...even if I should be doing this. It was a hard place...

In October of 2016, I found out some news that left me reeling. Vagueness #2 coming your way. This one is certainly not my story to tell, but the impact of this left me hollow...grieving for a loss that I couldn't comprehend...that I couldn't wrap my mind around. This began a hard season in my life...watching, waiting, praying, hoping, etc, etc, etc.

As we moved into 2017, my aunt lost her fight with cancer. I simply had no idea how the loss of her life was going to impact me so greatly. The loss was bittersweet - no more suffering, in the arms of Jesus...but the loss on earth was a tough one. She left behind children and grandchildren that will miss her dearly...but she also left a legacy of literally hundreds of children that were taught by her as 4 & 5 year old children. She had been passionate about children's ministry for the majority of her life. My small 25 years or so in children's ministry paled in comparison to her 40+ years in children's ministry. It's not a contest...and that's not my point. But as I looked across her grandchildren, my eyes continually found James...the baby...the one who would not have the benefit of his MawMaw West. And I grieved for the loss that he would never understand.

The same weekend of my aunt's funeral, my car "died" for lack of a better word...which launched me into about 4 months of waiting, looking, trying to find a new (to me) car, and a lot of frustration.

As 2017 has continued, I have struggled in many ways...but I would be remiss if I didn't also mention the victories. In January, we were awaiting word on Dylan's scholarships. His sophomore year was tough...he had his own struggles but just slipped by with the minimum required GPA for his scholarship to renew...and it only renewed for the Fall semester pending his performance in the Fall. He worked hard & I know it sounds sappy (because he told me so) but I was so proud of him. He gave it all he could...and if he wasn't able to continue, he was OK with that. There was a small back up plan that would keep him in school, but it wasn't one we wanted to go to.

On January 4th, I received his statement...where I had been expecting about $4500 to be due for him to continue, his statement was showing double that. I remember sitting on my bed, praying & weeping. I had no idea how we were going to make this happen. One thing I noticed, though, was that his loans were not showing against the balance...which made up the difference between what I was expecting & what was shown. I emailed Financial Services and received the explanation that the statement was dated January 1...the loans hadn't been applied yet, but if I looked at my "daily status" I would see that they were applied. I logged on and about fell out of my chair. Instead of the $4500 due, Dylan's account showed a $500 credit. Not only had the loans applied, but his scholarships had renewed.

Later in February, I was able to sell my "dead" car to a lady who had offered to buy my car several times. I didn't get what I could've gotten for an "alive" car, but I got enough to pay off Dylan's car a year early. And in May, I was able to buy a new-to-me car that is just amazing.

So, why do I share all of this?

Because I'm still struggling...day in, day out. There have been victories...but there has still been grief & disappointment...heartache...sadness...pain...etc...etc...etc.

And I see others around me struggling as well. And I guess I want them to know...they aren't alone.

Even if...God is still good.

This is something that has been resonating with me lately. A month or so ago, I was heavily into the life of David. I listened to Andy Stanley's messages about the life of David and in my own personal Bible reading (oh yeah...I've struggled with this too) I was reading about the life of David at the same time. I have been fascinated with David. "A man after God's own heart"...certainly not a perfect man...and that's what has caught my attention & made me just sit in awe of David. Even before he "messed up royally" with Bathsheba, David's life wasn't easy. David was anointed as the next King of Israel while another king was still on the throne...another King that David not only respected, but went up against a giant to honor the King & rid Israel of this enemy. Later, David is hunted down by this same King who is jealous of David. And I have to wonder...when David was running for his life from King Saul...when he was hiding in other countries...hiding in the very cave where King Saul came in to "do his business"...knowing the whole time that God had called him to more...I think David must have struggled himself. In fact, I'm fairly certain of it when you read the Psalms. David was a man after God's own heart...but I know from the book of Psalms that he often wondered where God was in the midst of his struggle. BUT over & over, David reminds himself...and now us thousands of years later...that his trust is in the Lord. The Lord who brought victory over the giant...the Lord who has promised to bring him to the other side of this...the Lord who surely protected him from King Saul...and finally made him victorious over King Saul.

Even if...He is good.

Even through my struggles...I'm reminded that God has brought me through so much that I can't NOT believe that He has left me in this. Every day I pray (or as often as I pray...because, you guessed it...struggle) that God will use these struggles to refine me...to strengthen me...to make me a woman after His own heart.

And I'm clinging to the fact that God's goodness is not dependent on me or my circumstances...but His goodness is constant. Even if...

About Me

I grew up in the Winston-Salem / Kernersville area of North Carolina. I love living in NC. I have one son, a beautiful niece, who LOVES her Aunt Jenn and an adorable nephew! I have been truly blessed by God with a wonderful family and great friends.