Wednesday, November 23, 2011

The last two months have not been very fun for me. My marriage has been rocky at best. My confidence has been shattered and I feel utterly exhausted. The high that I had been riding before this chaos erupted now seems like a distant memory. I can still catch glimpses of that happiness though and I hold those specks of light close to my heart as I prepare to re-launch Project Maureen.

I have had private conversations (online and in person) with many people; regarding this slump in my life. I appreciate all of the virtual and real hugs. I have mulled over the many words of advice. I have also spent many hours feeling numb and not doing much of anything. The house is a mess, my 'diet' is ruined (!), I wear the same clothes over and over (ew!). The kids are left to fend for themselves... which has been 'good' and 'bad', they've been making their own food but watching waaaay too much tv.

With so many big decisions looming I have been forced to reconsider many things. I realised recently that I have been pouring a lot of my energy into things that drain me physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually? I have been teaching too many Body Balance classes and not taking the time to warm up beforehand or otherwise exercise for my own benefit. The result is that I feel very tense in my neck and shoulders. I seem to have pulled something deep inside my right shoulder and it has been like that for weeks. I punched a very hard surface several times (not in class! during an argument with Dude) which left bruising and one of my hands is still sore from it (please don't grab me by the left hand atm!).

I have mystery bruises on my body with no idea where they came from.

I spend an inordinate amount of time on facebook and find myself easily embroiled in arguments that leave me feeling tired and cranky. I think at the time that I am being very reasonable and calm about each encounter and have been mentally applauding myself for being able to engage in religious debates without getting worked up but it is not until after I have wrenched myself away from the computer that I recognise the ill effects.

I went to a sound healing meditation session the other day and I was so tired that when I laid down I was able to very quickly get into a meditative state. The sounds of the didgeridoo, the crystal bowls and the gongs were incredibly soothing as well as transportative (yes I make up new words. This one really should be added to the dictionary though, can someone get onto that please!). I drove home feeling rejuvenated and incredibly light. For the next hour or so I felt as though life were not so difficult as I had previously felt it to be. The heaviness of the previous weeks melted away.

Then I got back online.

Over then next few hours I felt the heaviness return. It was gradual but by the evening the change in my overall mood was significant. And I knew what the problem was... well, problemS.

Although I really do think that it is important for me to take the time to speak up about the things that I experienced as a Mormon and as a recovering Mormon; I do not think that it serves me very well any longer to spend quite so much energy on it. I want to start living my life with new ways to define myself. I want to start working towards some goals rather than trying to get away from my past. I know that Mormonism will always define me in some way but I want to start adding more things to my life so that when I meet new people they will not so easily see those roots.

My measuring stick for success will be to ask myself how well do I accept my Mormon friends? Even though Mormonism is not for me I would like to be able to view Mormons almost from an anthropological kind of perspective. A phenomenon worth studying. Worth studying because I love so many of them. The teachings that I believe are harmful will be the ones that I will find some way to address in the wider community. For example, the Mormon religion unfortunatelypromotes rape culture. So, I will continue to add my support to endeavours that tackle this problem in the wider society e.g. SLUTwalk and Reclaim the Night. The Mormon religion preaches that homosexuality is a sin. So I will promoteLGBTQIrights at every opportunity.

I will still engage in the ex-Mormon groups that I am a member of on facebook but I think that I will scale back for a little while so that I can turn some of that energy back towards healing and growth for myself. I need to commit to less time on the computer in general. I need to get more active and I need to eat better. I have come to learn that the saying "You are what you eat" is more true than I had thought. Apparently the food we eat has a massive impact upon our mood.