The Adventures
Of
Priscilla
Queen of
the Desert
1.
Mitzi. I've never been to me.
Heckles from the crowd, and eventually someone
throws an empty beer can at her head. Felicia
comes out to help Mitzi up.
Felicia. Are you okay?
Mitzi. Yeah.
Mitzi goes to the dressing room, leaving Felicia on
stage.
Felicia. Oh well that was fucking charming you
gutless pack of dickheads!
Heckler. Oh fuck off you tallentless dog!
Felicia. What was that?
Heckler. Show us your pink bits.
Felicia. No, I don't think I will. Now do you
know why this microphone has such a long cord? So
it's easily retrieved after I've shoved it up your
arse!
2. Hotel dressing room
Felicia. What the fuck's going on out there
tonight? Are you hurt? Alright,
which one of you bitches shat on my breasts?
A very glamourous phone is placed in front of Tick.
"Tick darling, it's for you"
Tick. Hello?
Woman's voice. Ding Dong! Avon calling. Howdy
sunshine. Long time no hear.
3. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR FLASHBACK.
A doctor rips off his surgical mask and hands it to
the nurse.
Doctor. Where?
Nurse. Emergency Ward A
Door fling open as he see's Mitzi, done up in
ellaborate drag.
Doctor. Mr Belrose?
Mitzi. Yes.
4. HOTEL DRESSING ROOM.
Woman's voice. So how about it?
5. ON STREET
Fights are going on, and it is raining
6. BERNADETTE'S APPARTMENT
Phone rings and a manly hand picks up the reciever.
Bernadette. (crying) Yeah?
Tick. Bernadette, it's Tick. Sorry to call you so
late, but I…. Hey are you okay?
Bernadette. No, I'm not.
Tick. Whats the matter?
Bernadette. Trumpet just died.
7. CEMETARY
Group of people, including drag queens, and others,
for Trumpet's funeral.
Following funeral.
Bernadette. It's not fair. I've spent half my
life and all my life savings trying to snag a
sympathetic husband and the selfish shit goes and
dies on me.
Tick. Twenty five years old and he goes and slips
in a bathroom.
Bernadette. He didn't slip. He was peroxiding his
hair at home again and he asphyxiated on the fume.
Tick. I've got to get some space. I've been
offered a job out of town…
Bernadette. That's nice.
Tick. Why don't you come with me? I need some
help and I think we could both use the break.
Bernadette. You're not wrong. Where is it?
Tick. Alice Springs.
Bernadette. You've got to be fucking joking.
8. TICK'S APPARTMENT.
Tick is demonstrating a gaudy arrangement of facial
products to a potential customer.
Tick. Wo-man is a unique range of specialty facial
products designed for the more…….heavy duty woman
in all of us. Now this week… phone rings excuse
me.
Bernadette. How long is the run?
Tick. Four weeks. Equity Minimum, two shows a
night, accomodation included.
Bernadette. I can't just sit around here crying
all the time. Jesus. My mascara keeps running, I
look like a raccoon.
Tick. Good girl. That's the spirit.
Bernadette. Here's hoping the desert is big enough
for the two of us…
Tick. Ahhhh Three of us.
9. TICK'S APPARTMENT
Adam. Singing.
A desert Holiday
Let's pack the drag away.
You take the lunch and tea
I'll take the ecstasy.
Fuck off you silly queer
I'm getting outta here.
A desert Holiday
Hip hip hip hip hooray!
Bernadette. Why?
Tick. Why not? Look, he's turned into a bloody
good little performer.
Bernadette. That's right. A bloody good little
performer. Twenty four hours a day, seven days a
week. I thought we were getting away from all this
shit!
Adam. Two's company three's a party Bernadette my
sweet.
Bernadette. We're unplugging our curling wands and
going bush, Felicia. Why would you possibly want
to leave all this glamour for a hike into the
middle of nowhere?
Adam. Do you really want to know?
Bernadette. Desperately.
Adam. Well, ever since I was a lad, I've had a
dream. A dream that I now, finally, have a chance
to fulfil.
Bernadette. And that is?
Adam. To travel to the centre of Australia, to
climb kings canyon, as a queen, in a full length
Gautier sequin, heels and a tiara.
Bernadette. Great, that's just what this country
needs. A cock in a frock on a rock.
Tick. Oh get back in your kennels, both of you.
Now the first thing we have to work out is how
we're going to get there.
10. CITY STREET.
Adam climbs down off a silver bus
Adam. Taa daaa What do you think?
Tick. When do we have to return it to the school?
Adam. We don't. We own it.
Tick. What?
Adam. I met some nice sweedish tourists called
Lars, Lars and Lars, and coaxed it out of them for
ten thousand bucks.
Bernadette. But we can't afford it.
Adam. Well, that's right. Grabs a bottle of
champagne and looks at it admiringly. Mummy, maybe
a trip to the outback would help me get over this
little phase I'm going through. I hereby
christen this budget barbi camper "Priscilla,
Queen of the desert."
Smashes bottle on roo bar of bus.
Bernadette. That's got to be the understatement of
the century
12. TICK'S APPARTMENT
WO-MAN Products are being stuffed into bags.
13. BERNADETTES APPARTMENT.
An enormous shoe collection.
14. ADAM'S APPARTMENT
Adam argues with his mother about what he will
take.
15. CITY STREET OUTSIDE HOTEL
Cuts to start of the Epic Jog across the continent,
and also to the Bus, as it is preparing to leave.
The crowd at the bus is overpowering the small
crowd starting the jogger.
Bernadette. Ladies, Start your engines.
16. BUS TRAVELLS ALONG WHILE SINGING
17. BERNADETTE DRIVING
18. ADAM IS DRIVING
19. TICK IS DRIVING
Adam. How long have we been on the road?
Bernadette. Four and a half hours
Adam. Christ. I've got a splitting headache
already goes to the makeshift drinks fridge.
Happy hour!!!!
Bernadette. Mother's ruin pour moi!
Tick. Long Island tea.
Adam. And a stolli and tonic for me.
20. COUNTRY PLAINS.
21. BUS. Adam is driving.
Tick. Well listen to this one. After we did the
Abba show, Kevin had one of those liposuction penis
enlargements.
Adam. He didn't?
Tick. You know what they do? They siphon all the
fat out of your love handles and actually inject it
into your wing wang
Adam. Yucky tuu. I suppose it gives a whole new
meaning to "cracking a fat" though doesn't it?
Bernadette. Oh, listen to yourselves. You sound
like two fat slags at a pie bake off.
Adam. Your contribution top the conversation
hasn't exactly made headlines, Bernice.
Bernadette. Gee, poor kevin's dick. There can't
be much room down there with his brain taking up so
much space already. No. I'll join this
conversation on the proviso that we stop bitching
about people, talking about wigs, dresses, bust
sizes, penises, drugs, night clubs, and bloody
Abba.
Tick. Doesn't give us much to talk about then does
it?
Adam. Whispers Can you confirm a rumor for me????
Is it true that her real name is Ralph?
Tick motions for him to shut up.
22. ROADSIDE.
Adam is cooking sausages.
Adam. How do you like your little boys girls?
Silence you don't have to answer that if
you don't want to.
Bernadette> Oh My God. What is this? Outback
with benny Hill?
Tick. Just leave mine outside the door at about 8
am along with orange juice and toast please.
Adam. Why certainly Madame. And would you like
vegemite or Jam with that? Tries to open door
but it is locked ah knock knock. Room
Service.
Tick. Cant you read the sign? Do Not Disturb!
Please come back in the morning.
Adam. Oh ha ha girls. Open the door.
Tick. Goodnight Bernice.
Bernadette. Goodnight Mitzi.
Adam. Open the door. Oepen the fucking
door! Okay, if you don't open the door
I'm going to sing. Fine you asked for
it. Begins singing "I don't care if the sun
don't shine" getting louder as he belts the windows
of the bus.
Tick. Night John boy.
23. DEEP COUNTRY
24. BUS Adam is driving
Adam. I'm seriously falling asleep
Bernadette. No, it's your shift and you're going
to stick to it. Serves you right for staying out
all night. Slut.
Adam. Well, I'm not going to make it.
Bernadette. "I don't care if the sun don't shine."
Adam. Oh, fuck off grandma.
Bernadette looks toTick, who is looking out the
window twisting his huge diamond ring around his
finger
Bernadette. Are you alright?
Tick. I'm fine. I'm just thinking.
Bernadette goes to put on lip stick, and Adam plays
with the brakes making her eventually smear it up
her face.
Adam. Sorry……………… SHIT!!!!!!!!! Screaches bus to
a halt
Tick. What is it?
25. SCRUBBY HILL
Adam. Perhaps we should have flown
26. DESERT the bus is a tiny speck in the
distance
26. BUS Bernadette plays "I SPY" with the
others.
Adam. Witchety grub. Your turn.
Bernadette. I spy with my little eye something
beginning with R
Adam. Rectum?
Bernadette. No
Adam. Ring pirate?
Bernadette. No
Tick. Road?
Bernadette. Alright What's the matter with you?
Tick. Nothing Darling.
Bernadette. Don't darling me darling. Look at
you. You've got a face like a cat's arse. Come
on. Fess up.
Tick. I'm just worried about the show, that's all.
Like, we haven't done any rehearsals yet and….
Bernadette. We've got two weeks for Christ's sake.
That's plenty of time to rehearse. Now what's your
problem?
Tick. It's not a problem. I just want this show
to be good. That's all. It's got to be good.
Adam. How the fuck did you get this job Mitzi my
darling? I mean , who is this fish who runs this
bloody hotel in the middle of nowhere anyway? Your
mother.
Tick. No, my wife.
Adam. What? Don't tell me you've got an ex-
boyfriend tucked away out here somewhere.
Tick. No. my wife. I'm married.
28. BUS Bernadette hits the breaks and there is
sounds of falling bottles.
29. CHURCH ALTAR FLASHBACK
30. DESERT.
Tick. And when the joint bank account ran dry
after a couple of years I guess I preffered her
wedding ring to mine. So no drama. We swapped and
called it a day.
Adam. This is getting too weird. You and a woman.
What did she used to do for kicks? Put a bucket
over your head and swing off the handle?
Tick. You know there are two things I don't like
about you Felicia….. Your face. So how about
shutting both of them.
Adam. Well at least this explains your abysmal
batting average Mitz. I often wondered why your
dance card was so empty. I take it you never got a
divorce then?……. Well girls, what can I say?
Here's to a secret very well kept.
Bernadette. Shame it's not going to stay that way.
Isn't it?
Adam. Mmmmmm Got any more surprises you'de like
to share with us? Haven't got any kids stashed
away out there as well have you?
Tick. Look. I haven't lied about anything. After
six years I get a phone call out of nowhere
screaming for help. And Christ knows I owe her a
couple of favours. I'm sorry that I never told
you. I'm not sorry that you're here.
Bernadette. Don't worry about it dolls. I'm as
jealous as hell.
31. DESERT, bus hurtles across the plains.
31. CARD GAME ON BUS
Tick. What?
Adam. So was it a big wedding? Get lots of
pressies did we? I just wish I was OLD enough to
be there.
Tick. Oh ha ha
Adam. I would have bought you a lovely matching
set of hers and hers bath mats.
Tick. Give it a rest.
Adam. Not on your life. Imagine. Mitzi the
magnificent and her blushing bride.Mowing those
lawns must have been murder on those heels though.
Tick. Al right Felicia, that's enough. Let's put
some money in that seething cesspool mouth of
yours. If I win this game, you will never mention
my wife, ever, in my presence again OK
Adam. And if I win?
Tick. Name your price
Adam. Well now, what would I like more than
anything in the world?
Tick. SNAP, better be quick.
33. BROKEN HILL Mitzi and Felicia step out onto
the street all dolled up in exagerated Drag.
Mitzi. What the fuck am I doing? Take that bloody
frock off Felicia. Don't make it worse than it is.
Felicia. Think I'll let you get all the attention?
No chance. Come on girls, lets go shopping
Bernadette. For Christ's sake,
34. BROKEN HILL. The girls make their way down
the main street amidst looks of amazement from
locals.
35. MARIO'S PALACE
Bernadette. You've got to be kidding.
Owner. Welocome to Mario's Palace. Come in. What
can I do for you? Would you like a room Madame.
36. HOTEL ROOM
Mitzi. Oh tackorama! Who the hell does all the
painting around here?
Bernadette. Someone with no arms or right foot by
the look of it.
Felicia. For goodness sake, get down off that
crucifix. Someone needs the wood.
Mitzi. What fuuuuuuuun. Baby bottles of booze.
Bernadette. Uh gather round girls, I'll show you
a trick. You drink the gin. Fill the empty bottle
with water and put it back in the fridge.
Mitzi. Va t'em vous. What about the scotch?
Bernadette. That's where the complimentary tea
bags come in handy.
Mitzi. Very Clever.
Felicia. Cheers girls. And congratualtions Mitzi
darling. You did it. One lap of the Broken Hill
main drag in drag!!! That'll teach you to take on
the Fairmont Boys School SNAP champion.
Bernadette. Here's to getting off that fucking
bus.
ALL. Chookers!
Felicia. So, all dolled up and nowhere to go.
Bernadette. Well I sure as shit have no intention
of sitting here for the rest of the evening
Felicia. I'm in.
Mitzi. Oh alright. Here's hoping they have a
decent Coctail Bar.
37. HOTEL BAR. Everyone looks at them as they
enter in Drag.
BERNADETTE: Hello. Could I have a gin and tonic,
a bloody Mary and a lime Daquari please.
Enter Shirley, a butch bitch.
SHIRLEY: Well, look what the cat dragged in! What
do we have here then? A couple of show girls eh?
Where did you ladies just come in from? Uranus?
BERNADETTE: Could I please have a…..
SHIRLEY: No! You can't have nothing! We got
nothing here for people like you. NOTHING!
BERNADETTE: Now listen here you mullet. Why don't
you just light your tampon and blow your box apart,
because it's the only bang you're ever going to get
sweetheart.
Raucous laughter from the crowd in the bar.
38. LATER IN THE BAR. All are very drunk and
Mitzi is sharing her expertise on her facial
products
MITZI: Now what could be more soothing than coming
home after a hard day down the mine to the woman in
us all. Now don't send any money..
Meanwhile Bernadette and Shirley are having a
drinking contest.
SHIRLEY: Shit, all I can see are female
impersonators.
MINER: This has got to be a first. Nobody has
ever out drunk old shirl before. Where did you
learn to throw them back like that?
FELICIA: That's our girl Bernadette. I just knew
that stumbling around the pub circuit with Les
Girls for two hundred years must have taught her
something.
MINER: You're a bloody marvel Bernie.
BERNADETTE: Bernadette Please.
MINER: What was that?
BERNADETTE: My name isn't Bernie.
FELICIA: She said her name isn't Bernie……… It's
Ralph.
39. HOTEL ROOM
BERNADETTE: What did you call me?
FELICIA: What did you call me what?
BERNADETTE: What did you call me back there, in
the bar?
FELICIA: Sorry. Ralph.
Huge fight breaks out. Arms and legs everywhere.
Bernadette has the upper hand.
40 NEXT MORNING.
They walk out to the balcony of the hotel.
Bernadette and Felicia are still arguing.
41. BALCONY They stop in their track when they
see their bus with the words AIDS FUCKERS GO
HOME!.
41 – 45 PETROL STATION. Adam goes in and buysthe
petrol they have just put in the bus. The old
man hands Adam a box of paint.
MAN: Hope it still works. Don't have much call
for it out here. Where you blokes from?
ADAM: Uranus.
46-47 BUS
TICK: There
BERNADETTE: I hope you know what you're doing.
TICK: If we stick to the sealed road we'll be at
it for at least two days.
BERNADETTE: Take the short cut
48-49 BUS
Lat Traviata is heard as we see the bus flying
along the dirt road. Suddenly we see Felicia
sitting atop a big silver slipper, miming the
world.
BERNADETTE: One more push, I'm gonna smack his
face so hard he'll have to stick a toothbrush up
his arse to clean his teeth.
50. BUS
TICK: I told you not to use the R word and what
did you go and do?
ADAM: I was only having fun.
TICK: Fun? What else do you do for amusement?
Slam your fingers in car doors? What's the point?
ADAM: I like seeing people get hot headed ok? It
gives me a kick.
TICK: Is it true that when you were born the
doctor slapped your mother? What sort of bent
childhood did you grow up in Adam Whitely?
51. FLASHBACK TO ADAM'S BATHROOM.
UNCLE: Adam? Come here boy. Come and sit over
here. (smiling) Would you like to have some fun
with uncle Barry? We're gonna play a special game,
But you can't tell anyone. Never, ever ever. Now
what I want you to do is put your hand down here
and pull very gently
Adam puts his hand in the water and suddenly his
Uncle's eyes widen and he goes all pale.
Jesus Christ adam! Get help! Adam, Uncle Barry's
ping pongs are stuck in the drain. Get Mummy.
ADAM: No
UNCLE: What do you mean, NO!?
52. BUS
ADAM: Never, ever ever ever…….. You know the best
part? Mum was out playing golf and the dirty old
fuck was stuck there for seven hours. And I
thought they were small and wrinkled before they
got in the water.
53-54. BUS Adam is driving.
ADAM: Hey, I got a joke. Who wants to hear a
joke? Come on Bernie. It's so funny, you'll laugh
so hard your lashes will curl up by themselves.
BERNADETTE: Do tell us your HILLARIOUS joke.
ADAM: Well, many moons ago there was this very
famous bunch of indians called the Fuckawei Tribe.
And one day the son of the great indian Chief says
to his father, "Dad, why is my friend Little Hawk
called Little Hawk?" And his father says.
TICK & BERNADETTE: Why do you ask, Two dogs
Fucking?
ADAM: That's not the end of the joke. So anyway,
Back to me. SHIT!
TICK: What's happening?
ADAM: I don't know.
The bus grinds to a halt and then silence.
BERNADETTE: Oh My god…
55. NEXT MORNING They all stand at the stairs of
the bus.
BERNADETTE: Oh Felicia… Where the Fuckawei?
FELICIA: shit shit shit!!!
56. CAMP SITE
TICK: Well, I've had a look around, and I think
we can safely assume that I now know less about
motor cars than I did when I first lifted up that
….. Bonnety thing.
BERNADETTE: Now what?
TICK: Let's just not think about it for the moment
and eat breakfast shall we?
BERNADETTE: That's a novel idea. Let's stuff
ourselves to death. Imagine the headlines. Whales
beach themselves in the outback. Mystrey
Broomsticks Dead in Drag.
ADAM: There's no point in walking back. The only
life I saw for the last million miles were the
hypnotised bunnies and most of them are now wedged
in the tyres.
TICK: Somebodie's sure to drive past. We'll keep
the fire burning.
BERNADETTE: Yes, and toast marshmallows for when
they arrive. What if they don't drive past?
TICK: Look, you're not helping here. Just eat
your hormones.
BERNADETTE: Hell. Why didn't we stick to the main
road?
TICK: What difference does it make now?
BERNADETTE: You got us into this Antony Belrose,
And I suggest you start thinking about how to get
us back or I don't fancy your chances of ever
trying to be a husband again. Jesus, what
are we going to do?
ADAM: We are going to start off with a facelift.
Nothing like a new frock to brighten up your day.
57. CAMP
TICK: Purple?
ADAM: It's not purple. It's Lavender. What do
you think?
TICK: It's nice…. In a hideous sort of a way.
Bernadette jumps out of the bus in her walking
heels and heads towards the road. Where are you
going?
BERNADETTE: If you think I'm going to sit around
watching Picasso take on the the public transport
system, you've got another think coming. I'll be
back with the cavalry in a couple of hours.
ADAM: There goes a transexual, last seen heading
south. We call her Bernie but her real name was…
TICK: Adam.
58-63 THE CAMP AND THE DESERT
Bernadette is out in the desert while Adam
continues to paint the bus. Tick gets dressed up
in a lime green dress and composes moves to "I will
survive". We see a puff of dust and Bernadette
realises it is a car in the distance.
BERNADETTE: Help! Help!
64. IN CAR
MA: What's that Pa?
PA: What?
MA: Up there you nong. Looks like a woman.
They pull up and Bernadette runs to the car
exhausted.
BERNADETTE: Oh thank God.
65. CAMP
BERNADETTE: Thank you. I can't tell you how
grateful I am.
ADAM: Bernie, I never thought I'd be so glad to
see you.
TICK: I was just drawing up the will.
BERNADETTE: Tony, Adam, come and meet our
saviours. This is Mr and Mrs Spencer.
ADAM & TICK: Hello
The spencers drive off so fast none can catch them.
ADAM: No! Wait! Oh shit. Oh for goodness sake
look at yourself Mitzi. How many times have I told
you? Green is not your color!
66. CAMP – Dusk
TICK: Do you think about Trumpet much?
BERNADETTE: No. Trumpet was just a nice kid who
had a thing about transsexuals. Lots of people do.
Sort of a bent status symbol. You know, "Did you
know my boyfriend used to be a girlfriend?" That
sort of thing. Always good for a supper invite.
Still, it was better than nothing.
ADAM: Nothing, Nothing for miles. Can you hear
the drums Fernando?
BERNADETTE: I've said it once and I won't say it
again… No more Fucking ABBA!
TICK: Okay, if we have the time, we may as well
put it to good use. Come on girls. Of ya
snatches. Rehearsal time.
67. CAMP They practise a routine to I WILL
SURVIVE. They turn around and see an aboriginal..
Everyone screams.
ABORIGINAL: Hello, nice night for it.
67. ABORIGINAL CAMP
TICK: I think we just crashed a party.
ABORIGINAL : No, come on. You'll be alright.
Here welcome to my office.
ADAM: Bernice, I don't know what could have
possibly possesed you to wear that to a corroboree
BERNADETTE: Shut your face.
The song ends
TICK: bravo
ADAM: Fabulous
TICK: Well girls, I guess it's our turn.
68. They perform I WILL SURVIVE to the aboriginal
audience to their delight. Near the end they
see the Aboriginal man dancing to the side.
BERNADETTE: hey take a look at that.
MITZI: I've got an idea.
70-71. DESERT
ABORIGINAL: So you actually make money by dressing
up like a woman?
TICK: Oh sure. You can make a fine living in a
pair of heels. Why Alan? Do you want a job?
72. IN BUS
ADAM: Oh if only this dress could talk. You know,
sometimes I wonder where I got my taste from.
Definitely not my mother. Oh well. Serves me
right for letting her buy me all these awful
clothes.
BERNADETTE: What's this?
ADAM: That my darling, is my most treasured
possession in the whole wide world.
BERNADETTE: But what is it?
ADAM: Well, a few years ago, I went on a
pilgrimage backstage after an ABBA concert hoping
to grab an audience with Her Royal Highness
Agnetha. Well, when I saw her dashing into the
ladies loo, naturally I followed her in. And after
she'd finished her business I ducked into the
cubicle only to find she'd left me a little gift,
sitting in the toilet bowl.
BERNADETTE: What are you telling me? This is an
ABBA turd?
ADAM: I know what we can do with this………
73-76 DESERT
BERNADETTE: Are you right?
ADAM: Okay, go.
The kite soars into the air revealing a blow up
doll with an orange dress. Tick arrives sitting in
a tow truck.
TICK: There!
BERNADETTE: Fuck it. Drops the string and the
kite flys away
BOB: Afternoon, what seems to be the problem?
77. TOWNSHIP
BERNADETTE: What a nice dog. What's his name?
MAN: Herpes. If she's good, she'll heal
BOB: Things get pretty quiet around here. We're a
bit starved for entertainment
TICK: Glad we could oblige. How does it look?
BOB: well, your gas tank's chock-a-block full of
crud. Travelling on a rough road on a low tank
chucked it all up into the motor. Your fuel line's
blocked and your injectors are stuffed.
TICK: so does that mean you can fix it?
BOB: In the short term What you blokes need is a
new gas tank.
TICK: I don't suppose you have one lying around
BOB: No. Sorry. I could pick one up in Coober
Pedy in about a week. When do you have to be in
Alice?
TICK: Six days.
BOB: well, we can clean it out and hope for the
best. It might make it. We won't know unless you
give it a try.
CYNTHIA: Lemonade here I make.
BOB: That's very nice darling. But please go back
inside.
CYNTHIA: Lemonade here I make. Lemonade for
guests
BOB: No darling Please.
CYNTHIA: Putang ina mo! (son of a bitch) I make
chocolate crackles
78. BOB'S HOUSE
CYNTHIA: Thank you. We put cream on?
TICK: No no, it's face cream. For face
BERNADETTE: Bob, Cynthia, thank you. I love lamb
with meringue.
BOB: thank you for the company. Like I said. New
faces are rather hard to come by out here. If you
don't mind me asking, what are you doing off the
highway?
ADAM: now that's a good question
BOB: glad you bothered. We don't get your type
out here very often.
CYNTHIA: me like to sing. Me like…
BOB: yeah pretty damn quiet. Thought of opening a
video business for a while, but I suppose we've got
to wait to get television first.
CYNTHIA: Me perform for you. Me dance too.
BOB: My wife used to be in the entertainment
business.
CYNTHIA: Yeah. You perform here?
BOB: Are you thinking of performing here? I mean
you've got to be here at least another night.
TICK: The thought hadn't really crossed my mind.
BOB: well why not? I could have a word to Wally
in the pub. Everybody would love it.
TICK: I don't think our show would go down too
well out here.
BOB: If you don't mind me asking, what kind of
cabaret do you do?
ADAM: We dress up in women's clothes and parade
around mouthing the words to other peoples songs
BOB: You mean sort of like those….what do you call
them? 'les girls' Oh yeah, I've seen them. Way
back in Sydney when I was a young bloke.
Fantastic. Just terrific.
TICK: Bob, you're looking at probably the most
famous 'Les girl ever produced.
BOB: you're kidding me?
BERNADETTE: Oh give me a break. I wasn't that
famous.
TICK: I'm not joking.
BOB: What? I wouldn't really have seen you. That
must have been thirty years back.
ADAM: oh you'd be surprised.
CYNTHIA: Me perform for you. Me sing.
BOB: No Cynthia. You no perform. They perform
not you.
CYNTHIA: Putang ina mo! Manigas Ka! (son of a
bitch, get stuffed)
BOB: A real live 'Les girls show? Right, this
calls for a celebration.
79-80. PUB the girls are getting ready.
BERNADETTE: Maybe this isn't such a good idea.
FELICIA: oh shut ya twat. Our frocks were the
sensation of broken Hill remember?
BERNADETTE: There was a K-Mart in Broken Hill. At
least they knew what a frock was. Christ, you
should see what this woman is wearing. It's not a
frock. It's a piece of Coorugated iron.
BOB: can I come in?
FELICIA: Only if you're single
BOB: oh you look incredible.
MITZI: where did we find this guy?
FELICIA: just keep dishing out the compliments Bob
Flattery will get you everywhere.Now where's that
lovely wife of yours?
BOB: she's at home. She's not allowed in the pub
any more.
MITZI: really? Why?
BOB: She's got a problem with alcohol. Every time
she gets in the pub she makes a complete fool of
herself.
MITZI: Oh I know how she feels.
BOB: well we're all waiting. Are you ready?
BERNADETTE: Bob, we're having second thoughts.
BOB: you can't back out now. Every man and his
dog are out there.
BERNADETTE: they're not chained up by any chance?
BOB: Oh you blokes…..sorry….you girls. Look
you'll be fine. Take my word for it.
81-82. HOUSE AND PUB
Cynthia is getting distressed because she wants to
go to the pub.
CYNTHIA: Manga Hayop! Manga animal! Papakita
Kosakanilaakoy Kakanta at akoy sasa yaw! (mangy
animals Bunch of animals I'll show them. I'll
sing. I'll dance)
She picks the lock on the cupboard containing the
ping pong balls and is delighted.
Benadette, Mitzi and felicia are in the middle of
their performance when erotic music starts and
everyone knows what is about to happen
BERNADETTE: what the Hell's going on?
MITZI: she's not is she?
FELICIA: Oh you can't do that with a ping pong
ball
BERNADETTE: you want to bet?
MITZI: oh no…… no….. Oh God! Cynthia is
removed forcefully from the pub.
83. BOB'S GARAGE
BOB: Darling, don't go. There's nothing we can't
work out.
CYNTHIA: You no good man
BOB: don't be silly.
CYNTHIA: You want good wife, you be good husband.
BOB: darling don't go.
CYNTHIA: I not like you anyway. You got little
dingaling.
BOB: some days you just shouldn't get out of bed.
If you want my opinion, I think you should stay
here until I get back from Coober Pedy with a new
tank. But then again you listened to my last
opinion.
BERNADETTE: Forget it Bob. It's time we made a
move. I'm just a gifted amateur around here.
There's no way a nice frock and a catchy tune can
compete with three ping pong balls, two cigarettes
and a pint of beer.
TICK: If we break down we break down. I'll play
it safe and stick to the main drag. Pardon the
pun. Well, good bye Bob. Thanks for the very
educational stay.
ADAM: yes I'd do anything to be able to open a
bottle like that.
BOB: bernadette, it has certainly been an honor
meeting a member of Les Girls.
BERNADETTE: And may I say it has been an hounour
to have met a gentleman. Believe me Bob, these
days gentleman are an endangered species. Unlike
bloody drag queens who just keep breeding like
rabbits
They begin to drive away when the bus packs it in
again.
TICK: Bob????? Fancy a free ride to Coober Pedy?
84-89 BUS
ADAM: Now listen Bob. Let's get a few things
straight. We may wear the frocks around here, but
that doesn't mean you wear the pants.
BOB: where do I sleep?
ADAM: Oh anywhere that takes your fancy
BOB: the roof will do me fine.
TICK: thank you Bob, I don't know what to say
BOB: that's alright. I may as well get there a
few days earlier. A bit of R&R. God knows I need
it.
Felicia is back on the roof miming La Traviata
BOB: May I ask you a personal question? I mean if
you don't mind
BERNADETTE: Sure.
BOB: Why? Why do you….. you know…..
BERNADETTE: You mean the sixty-four thousand
dollar question..
FLASHBACK TO RALPH'S CHILDHOOD
MUM: That's the girl. Now, don't tear the
wrapping paper. Just slide the ribbon off and we
can see what santa's brought you! Here it comes
now. What is it? It's a it's a ….. cement
mixer. Have you been changing the cards around
again Ralph?
BUS
BERNADETTE: So I guess I had no choice in the
matter the bus hits a bump
FELICIA: Oh for fucks sake! Watch where you're
driving you stupid bitch! What are you trying to
do? Fucking kill me or something?
BOB: my fault.
FELICIA: nicely Sorry Bob. I thought it was
Bernadette.
90. CAMP Bob is under the bonnet showing
Bernadette things while Adam and Tick are dancing
in the dirt.
ADAM: who taught you to waltz?
TICK: my wife.
ADAM: Oh how sweet. You and the Mrs. Down at
Arthur Murray's every Tuesday night practising your
little hearts out. Makes me want to sick up.
BOB: Married?
BERNADETTE: Yes married. We have only recently
discovered that young Anthony here bats for both
teams.
TICK: I do not.
ADAM: so we're straight
TICK: no.
ADAM: We aren't? So we're a donut puncher after
all?
TICK: No.
ADAM: then what the Hell are we?
TICK: I don't fucking know.
The runner runs past them, but they only see a
flashing light.
BERNADETTE: what the fuck's that
ADAM: good evening. Nice night for it. Oh ok.
Goodnight then.
BERNADETTE: what a rude woman.
91-95CAMP
BOB: and that's the power steering pump, and
that's the radiator fan.
BERNADETTE: How interesting.
ADAM: HEY! Who wants the first bath?
They all run to the lake and bath and splash about
BOB: can I help you madame?
Bob sticks his head out from under the bonnet after
fixing it again.
BOB: okay turn it over
The bus starts and they head off again to the tune
of I DON'T CARE IF THE SUN DON'T SHINE. They
finally arrive in Coober Pedy.
96. COOBER PEDY
BOB: That's it over there. It's an okay room with
a shower
TICK AND BERNADETTE: Bags first
ADAM: Is hot water all you can think about?
BERNADETTE: No. A shower, a comfortable bed and a
nice meal will do me fine.
ADAM: If you think I'm going to crawl into the
sack and watch tellevision you've got another think
coming.
BOB: now you blokes watch your back. This is a
pretty tough little town. They get up in the
morning, they go down a hole, they blow things up
and then theycome up again. That just about sums
it up.
ADAM: Oh fabulous.
BERNADETTE: You're welcome to hang out with us if
you've got nothing better to do.
BOB: I'm meeting some of the boys down at the old
drive in for a booze up like the old days
ADAM: I want to go with Bob. I want to go to the
boys club
BERNADETTE: You'll come and have supper with us,
Adam Whitely, or you'll stay in your room by
yourself and watch TV.
97-100. COOBER PEDY NIGHT
Adam is bored in the underground hotel room so he
fishes through his bags till he finds something
interesting in it. Bernadette and Tick are in the
restaurant.
TICK: he's a good man our Bob.
BERNADETTE: Yeah, not my type though
TICK: oh don't come the raw prawn with me. I can
spot the fluttering of a beaded lash from three
hundred paces.
BERNADETTE: get out. He's far too old. Mind you,
so am I. Did you catch that mail order bride? Why
did he marry her? I'm dying to ask. Tick's
expression changes Oops sorry. Don't worry
about it. You're the worlds best husband and given
the chance you'd probably be a perfectly good
father too.
TICK: Do you really think so?
BERNADETTE: Why? Are you thinking about children?
TICK: yes, as a matter of fact.
Felicia is walking through the streets dressed in
drag and stops at the video store. She steps in
and walks up to the attendant.
FELICIA: Do you have THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASCARA?
101. RESTRAUNT
TICK: ever wanted kids?
BERNADETTE: Sure, but I've learned not to think
about it.
TICK: Do you think an old Queen's capable of
raising a child?
BERNADETTE: Well, Elizabeth did a pretty good job.
Prince Charles is a wonderful boy.
Tick: Edward's still a bit of a worry. And what
happens if they turn out like Adam?
BERNADETTE: You stuff them back in and ask for a
refund. Stupid little shit. I dread to think what
he's up to.
102. DRIVE IN
FELICIA: Hello, I'm new in town
KEG: No kidding.
FELICIA: could I have a bloody Mary please.
KEG: It's beer or nothing sweetheart
FELICIA: Well, I'd better have a beer then.
What are you all looking at?
FRANK: I'm sorry. Didn't mean to stare. We don't
usually get women down here.
FELICIA: Oh so what do women do around here
besides watching videos? Well well well!!!!!!!
Look who we have here…
FRANK: You know that bloke do you?
FELICIA: no, so, who's going to show me the
sights?
FRANK: It would be my pleasure.
Felicia raises her glass and Frank sees that she
has hairy arms, and smashes the glass out of her
hand
FELICIA: I suppose a fuck's now out of the
question come on
boys. Who wants to see my map of
Tasmania!???????????
103-104. NIGHT TIME
BERNADETTE: So I never had a chance to tell my
parents what a wonderful childhood I'd had. They
never spoke to me again after I'd had……..the chop.
TICK: I have something to tell you.
Suddenly Felicia runs past the restaurant being
chased by Frank and his bulldog gang. They run
behind the garage.
BERNADETTE: Oh shit!
FELICIA: Okay fellas lets not forget how to treat
a lady.
FRANK: you Fucking Freak!
FELICIA: no, please
FRANK: hold him down. Spread his legs.
BOB: Frank, Stop! What the fuck do you think
you're doing?
FRANK: you mean you do know this cocksucker?
BOB: get off him you mongrel! He was joking OK?
Now you leave the bugger alone.
FRANK: get out of there Bob!!!!!
BOB: Cut it out Frank.
FRANK: get the fuck out of the way, Bob, or you'll
be next
BOB: Frank!
FRANK: Get out of there!!!!!!!!!
BERNADETTE: Oh stop flexing your muscles you big
fucking pile of budgie turd! I'm sure your mates
would be much more impressed if you just went back
to the pub and fucked a couple of pigs on the bar.
BOB: Bernadette please.
FRANK: bernadette? Well, I'll be darned! The
whole bloody circus is in town. I suppose you want
a fuck too? Come on Bernadette. Come on and fuck
me. That's it. Come on. Come on and fuck me. Come
on Fuck me.
Bernadette suddenly knees Frank in the balls and
frank falls to the ground in agony.
BERNADETTE: There, now you're fucked.
105. HOTEL ROOM
TICK: You stupid bloody idiot. Drugs for Christ's
sake. Well three cheers for you. I hope you're
bloody well happy now. Stupid bloody fuck witt!
Adam begins to cry and Bernadette sidles over to
him.
BERNADETTE: It's funny. We all sit around
mindlessly slagging off that vile stink-hole of a
city. But in it's strange way it looks after us.
I don't know if that ugly wall of suburbia has been
put up to stop them getting in or us getting out.
Come on. Don't let it drag you down. Let it
toughen you up. I can only fight because I've
learnt to. being a man one day and a woman the
next is not an easy thing to do.
106-113 BUS & CAMP
Bob tries to get a gas tank but to no available so
they carry on driving out from Coober Pedy.
TICK: well, Are we bunny hopping all the way to
Alice?
BOB: no good, But he says the man to help us is a
fair way out of town.
BERNADETTE: Like how fair?
BOB: A couple of hundred clicks fair. No matter.
I haven't got anything else to do today. Lets get
out of here. Come on Adam.
TICK: to Adam Some things are said in the
heat of the moment. I'm sorry I got angry at you
last night, although I dare say you deserved it.
Anyway, that's enough of that. You know this
is quite an experience sitting here with you now.
I can quite safely say that I think your taste in
clothing is absolutely terrible, because you can't
say a word can you? This is great fun.
BERNADETTE: We're going to have a problem finding
this guy with a tank aren't we?
BOB: Why do you say that?
BERNADETTE: Because he's not out here.
BOB: Oh he's out here. He's in Alice. Well, I
can't go back to Coober Pedy for a while. Not the
most popular bloke in the world back there any
more.
Flash back to a manilla hotel room
BOB: Hello
CYNTHIA: Hello.
BOB: Who are you?
CYNTHIA: I your wife.
BOB: best I be going home then
CYNTHIA: No, you not going. I coming too. I your
wife. See, I your wife.
Back to the bus
BOB: Silly girl. Should have done her home work
better. She thought I was from Sydney.
TICK: Why in God's name did you bring her home?
BOB: she was my wife.
ADAM: Couldn't you sell her off?
BERNADETTE: Oh, the party's over everybody. It
talks. You can't keep a good bitch down.
TICK: What time do you think we'll get to Alice
Springs?
BOB: Late tomorrow arvo?
TICK: And how long do you think You'll be staying?
BOB: I don't know. A couple of days maybe. Hey a
big day for you tomorrow. We all get to meet the
Mrs.
TICK: I saw that smile Felicia. One word, one
derogatory word and I'm taking you back to your
mate in Coober Pedy. Look, please everyone.
Tomorrows going to be a little tough. Please don't
make it any harder than it has to be.
BERNADETTE: We're only teasing. We won't open our
mouths until you give the word. Then it's open
season.
TICK: Oh well, time for bed. Got to look good for
the wife in the morning. Come along Adam. Time
for your beauty sleep. Come on. Will you two be
joining us?
BERNADETTE: I just thought I'd have one for the
road. How about you Bob?
BOB: Sounds good to me.
TICK: All right then. See you in the morning.
Night.
Tick and Adam spy from the bus as the conversation
fireside gets personal.
BERNADETTE: Another piece of cake Bob?
BOB: Ah no.
BERNADETTE: So, tell me about you.
BOB: can't complain. Life's a lot simpler now. I
spent thirty years wandering around the world only
to find I'm better off where I started.. Not much,
But it's my turf.
115-117 CAMP AND FINAL LEG OF TRIP
TICK: Adam!
ADAM: What?
TICK: Guess who didn't come home last night? I've
waited all my life for this! Bernice has left her
cake out in the rain.
TICK AND ADAM: Hava Nagila Hava hang over hava
nagila ya ya ya
118-121 LASITERS HOTEL – ALICE SPRINGS
The bus rumbles into Alice Springs and pulls up at
Lasiters Casino.
TICK: My fucking back is killing me
BERNADETTE: I need a crap.
BOB: Do you want me to go in?
TICK: No, I'll go
DOORMAN: Excuse me sir, you cant park your bus
here. Are you planning on staying at the hotel?
TICK: Oh sorry. Could you direct me to Marion
Barber please? We're the Cabaret act from Sydney.
DOORMAN: Oh yeah, right. Well just go in through
to receptionand they'll take you right through.
TICK: thanks.
DOORMAN: It's alright Lenny. These are the drag
queens
ADAM: Come on Bob. Let's go try on your nice new
frock.
DOORMAN: G'day
Marion is on the phone.
MARION: No, those three kegs didn't arrive. I
need them today. Not tomorrow, but today. You're
a doll. What an arse hole
My god, Husband Husband! It's so good to see you.
TICK: Hiya wife
MARION: You're a day late. I was just gathering
the search party. Where are the others?
TICK: Oh they're outside.
MARION: You've lost weight you rotten old queer.
TICK: well it's about fucking time. I can finally
get into that old one piece of yours. You know,
the one with the sun flowers.
MARION: You still got that? What the hell do you
do with it?
TICK: "The poisedon Adventure " routine. You
know, Shelley Winters.
They act like they are swimming
Where is he?
They go to the hotel dining room.
MARION: Benj, do you remember Tick?
BENJAMIN: Hello Tick.
TICK: Hello
HOSPITAL FLASHBACK
DOCTOR: Mr Belrose?
MITZI: Yes?
DOCTOR: Congratulations. It's a boy.
As the bucket drops so does Bernadette as she
faints, hitting her head on the floor as she falls
flat out. Everybody races to her aid.
124. DRESSING ROOM
BERNADETTE: For Christ's sake, mitzi, Why didn't
you tell us? Why the hell did you have to shock me
like that? This lump is getting bigger by the
second. I'm about to make my Northern Territory
debut looking like a fucking Warner Brothers
cartoon character has hit me over the head with an
iron.
ADAM: I think you look more like a Disney witch
myself.
BERNADETTE: Oh shut your face Felicia. At least I
don't look like somebody has tried to open a can of
beans with my make up.
MITZI: I'm sorry girls. I couldn't stand the
thought of you two bagging me in the bus for two
weeks. Anyway what difference does it make now?
BERNADETTE: About two inches difference to my head
for one.
MITZI: Did you get a good look at him? He's got
my profile that's for sure.
FELICIA: I think I'm going to be sick.
BERNADETTE: I hate to be practical here but does he
know who you are? I mean, does he know what you do
for a living?
MITZI: Well, he knows he has a father in the
showbusiness/cosmetics industry
BERNADETTE: Oh Lord, I don't understand.
MITZI: No you don't understand. So stop trying
to. It will be fine.
BERNADETTE: It had better be.
Marion bursts into the room.
MARION: Oh, stop wearing out that mirror
FELICIA: You always knock before you enter?
MARION: Always! Why? You haven't got anything to
hide in there have you? Alright girls, you're on
in ten minutes
FELICIA: Sweetheart, you've been on ever since you
were born.
MARION: Hope you're ready to slay them. The
word's out. We've got a big crowd
BERNADETTE: Like how big?
MARION: a full house.
MITZI: where's benj?
MARION: Safe and sound. Asleep in bed. Don't you
worry about a thing. Okay my little powder puff?
There is a knock at the door
BOB: can I come in?
BERNADETTE: Now there's a gentleman. Of course
you can Bob.
BOB: my aunt Minnie in here? Don't mean to barge
in. Just want to wish you all good luck.
FELICIA: Thanks Bob.
Hands Bernadette flowers.
BOB: to make up for what happened last time
BERNADETTE: Thank you. That's so thoughtful.
MARION: Alright girls. Let's get this show on the
road. You, Out. That's a ten minute curtain call.
Good luck.
FELICIA: That's quite a wife you've got there
Mitzi. What does she do in her spare time. Sand
back the hulls of oil rigs with her tongue?
MITZI: She sure is something. CHOOKERS
GIRLS!!!!!!
FELICIA: Watch my Jaw.
BERNADETTE: Be careful of my head.
MITZI: Aren't we Fabulous?
125-126 THE SHOW Finally, by cc Peniston
VOICE OVER: Ladies and gentlemen. Lasseter's
Casino in Alice Springs presents Miss Mitzi Del
Bra, Miss felicia Jollygoodfellow and Miss
Bernadette Bassinger…………….. The sisters of the
simpson Desert!
The curtain opens to reveal the three ladies
dressed spectacularly as Australian Flowers. Next
they are Emus and Frilled necked Lizards, and
finally they come down the steps in Marie
Antoinette outfits which, when rearranged, become
the Sydney Opera House.
The crowds go wild and in the Background Mitzi sees
Benj. And promptly passes out.
ADAM: Come on. Snap out of it.
BOB: come on mate.
ADAM: You'll be fine. Come on love.
BOB: That's it mate. You scared us all for a
minute .
ADAM: You just had to have that extra little bit
of attention didn't you? Nice one lovey. Nice one.
127. RESTAURANT
TICK: Oh shit. What are you doing marion?
MARION: Oh Shush , drink your daiquiri
TICK: I hate bloody Daiquiri.
MARION: No you don't. You love Bloody Daiquiri.
Least now I know why drag queens drink from such
big glasses. To make their hands look smaller.
TICK: Oh ha ha ha. What am I meant to say to the
boy? I've never been so embarrased.
MARION: I think you're over reacting
TICK: Really?
MARION: Yes. You're just being a drama queen.
You're going to have to drop all that shit if
you're going to be a good father. Don't pretend to
be surprised. I've kept my end of the bargain.
Now it's your turn.. not forever. Maybe just for
a couple of months.
TICK: Why now?
MARION: Because I haven't had a holiday in eight
years. I need a rest Tick. I need some space.
TICK: reminds me of something I said not so long
ago.
MARION: well I do. And besides it's time he knew
what his father was anyway.
TICK: That's the problem. I mean, I don't know
what to tell him. What do you assume I do? Lie?
MARION: Assumption, My dear Mitzi, is the mother
of all fuck ups. Don't bitch to me. Bitch to him.
TICK: Thanks for the free advice.
128-129. HOTEL
Bernadette's room.
BERNADETTE: who is it?
BOB: It's me Bob. Your flowers were being
mangled. I thought I'd rescue them for you.
BERNADETTE: Good idea. Thanks
Adam's room.
BENJ: What's the matter?
ADAM: nothing. Do you know what your father does
for a living?
BENJ: Yeah
ADAM: So I suppose you know he doesn't really like
girls.
BENJ: does he have a boyfriend at the moment?
ADAM: No
BENJ: Neither does Mum. She used to have a
girlfriend but she got over her. Do you want to
come and play in my room? I've got Lego.
ADAM: Sure.
130-132 GOING TO KINGS CANYON
BERNADETTE: Come on butch. Get a move on. We
can't brand the cattle all by ourselves.
DOORMAN: great show last night. Do you always end
a number like that?
TICK: always.
BERNADETTE: How would you like to pick her up
every night sundance?
DOORMAN: be a pleasure.
MARION: I think that might include taking the lady
home every evening and tucking her into bed Jeff.
DOORMAN: What's the pay like Marion?
MARION: Oh that one's going to get himself into
trouble one day, and if you play your cards right
you might just be the lucky fellow.
BOB: come on, all aboard.
TICK: Just watch it with the innuendos Marion. At
least give me a clear shot at this.
MARION: You call dressing up as a Xanadu
production number a clear shot? Come on Tick.
Who's kidding who around here? He sure as shit
isn't.
133. KINGS CANYON They are all playing
Charades. Adam is Up.
MARION: Rock ---- Rock Hudson.
BENJ: My turn My turn he starts miming a dingo
and a lady screaming for help
BERNADETTE: Lindy Chamberlain. That was appauling
Benji. Who taught you that?
BENJ: Mum did.
MARION: Lies, all lies.
BERNADETTE: I thought so. Come on Adam….. Up..
Time is against us and we have things to do. Come
on you butch thing you.
TICK: No count me out.
BERNADETTE: All for one.
ADAM: Come on Tick.
BERNADETTE: Come on Adam. Let's get frocked
134. NEAR THE CREEK.
TICK: So, whats it like to finally have a father?
BENJ: It's okay
TICK: Sorry about last night. I don't always
dress up in women's cloths. I mean don't get the
wrong idea. I do lots of different stuff……… You
know, like Elvis and garry Glitter and……
BENJ: ABBA? I'm not supposed to know about
the ABBA show but I'd really like to see it. Would
you do the ABBA show for me?
TICK: sure. You know what
I am don't you?
BENJ: Mum says you're the best in the business.
TICK: Well, your mum was always prone to
exageration.
BENJ: Will you have a boyfriend when we get back
to Sydney?
TICK: maybe. Come on!
BENJ: Where are we going?
TICK: We're going to unleash the best in the
business.
135-136 THE CLIMB
FELICIA: I had a dream.
The ascension has begun. The three darg queens
begin their climb. Their feet are killing them and
they are constantly swatting at flies. Finally
they arrive at the top and are dazzled by the sight
before them.
FELICIA: Well, we did it.
BERNADETTE: It never ends does it? All that
space.
FELICIA: So what now?
MITZI: I want to go home.
FELICIA: me too.
BERNADETTE: Well then. Let's finish the shows and
go home.
137. HOTEL ENTRANCE It is time to go home.
DOORMAN: Don't go without leaving me your number
Sunshine.
ADAM: already taken care of Jeff. It's at the far
end of the men's cubicle. "For a good time, phone
Felicia."
BENJ: Hey, can we stop at McDonalds on the way
back?
ADAM: Now that's a good idea. I've had just about
enough of this shitty food. Fucking Caryfish.
TICK: I don't know. Where the Hell do you start?
MARION: oh stop it. Lay it on the line husband.
Don't conceal a thing. That's the key. And if he
doesn't like it, stiff bikkies. He can always buy
his own ticket back.
TICK: And what happens when the word gets out that
Mitzi's got a minor?
MARION: That's your problem, not his. He knows
when and where to listen. Morals are a choice and
he'll decide his own when he's good and bloody well
ready.
BOB: That's it. You're all packed.
ADAM: You've got to be joking. We haven't got
Bernadette's shoes on board yet.
BOB: hate to say this but I wish I was going with
you. Your gas tank will be fine. Your axle may be
another matter.
MARION: I'm sure the road home will be filled with
bored mechanics waiting for a bus full of drag
queens to spirit them away to a better life.
TICK: I wish. We're not even going to spirit gum
at this rate. Where the hell is Bernadette?
BERNADETTE: Here.
ADAM: Come on Cabanossi tits. Where are your
bags?
BENADETTE: In my room. I'm not going. I've
decided to stay here for a while.
TICK: Oh really. And you're choosing to tell us
about this now?
MARION: She told me a few weeks back. Just when I
was looking for somebody to handle the guest
entertainment while I'm away.
ADAM: Oh I get it. Who's been playing hide the
sausage then? Hat's it. Let's get out of here
before I throw up. Come on Benj. Hope you can
drive.
MARION: hey …… Not without a hug.
Tick goes over to Bernadette.
TICK: are you sure?
BERNADETTE: No, I'm not sure. But I'll never know
unless I give it a shot.
TICK: I'm jealous as all hell.
BERNADETTE: Shit Raccoon time again.
They all board the bus and start off.
BENJ: Bye Ralph!!!
Adam: Yeah, see you Ralph!!!
138-139. BUS AND NEWTOWN HOTEL.
Adam begins to mime the words to MAMA MIA. The
scene then turns into the same hotel where we first
met the girls, still singing MAMA MIA.
MITZI: That's enough. Oh, My tits are falling
down. Thank You Thank You. It's good to be home!!
CREDITS to the song. Saved the best for last.
140. CHINESE MONASTERY GARDEN
A monk is walking in the garden when the blow up
doll Drag kite, lost in the desert skies earlier,
comes flying into his grasp. He examines her with
great interest.
THE END.
STARRING:
Terence Stamp, Hugo Weaving, Guy Pearce and Bill
Hunter.