Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The medical treatment “doors” which I needed to be open at this point in the journey are not open and they are no longer a future option. The lesions in my brain, despite stereotactic radiosurgery, continue to cause swelling and frequent, serious headaches which require steroids to reduce the swelling and relieve the pain. The steroids make me ineligible for the Ipilimumab treatment option. I have virtually no appetite, so my weight and energy have steadily declined to the point that my body would not be able to tolerate the very intense tumor infiltrating lymphocytes procedure in Houston. The “bottom line” is that my life expectancy is now short, so I now begin to move sooner than I would like toward the end of this journey but to the beginning of what will surely be an exciting new journey without the pain and stress of the past few months. I will be delighted to be free of pain but I shall very much miss family and friends (for a season), biking, early morning “Dawn Patrol” in the snowy backcountry, the chance to help create a respected structural engineering business, hikes to Grandeur Peak with Allison, soccer games, violin recitals, Christmases, Hebgen, etc. I hope I will be allowed an occasional “hall pass” to observe from afar the significant future events in the lives of my family.

Allison and I are deeply grateful for the love and support which we have received from medical professionals and wonderful friends and family, near and far, during the past 15 months. It has made the journey less difficult. Thank you!

Although my mortal life has been shorter than I had hoped and anticipated, I have been greatly blessed. I have a truly remarkable wife; three bright, good children with great potential; faith in the Resurrection and eternal family relationships; six siblings who have loved, challenged and helped shape me; parents and in-laws who have loved, encouraged and cared deeply for me; great, faithful, loyal friends; wonderful business associates: and more than a few sacred times when I have known, by the Spirit, who I really am, the purposes of life, and the truths of eternity. I'll be just up the trail and around the bend...

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Dearest Ben and Allison,I can't even begin to express how sad I am for this news. I have thought about you every week and hoped for good news. Ben I hope you can ski and ride your bike for all eternity free of pain. Every time I see your wonderful children I will tell them what a remarkable father they have. All our love,Shannon and Seth Dunlop

Dear Ben and Allison and kids, That was so incredibly beautiful, moving and touching. I sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks, shaking as I type. I am so grateful for your testimony and knowledge of the gospel, Ben. How wonderful it is to know that this life is just a stepping stone to the glory that is eternal life. Your children are so blessed to have you as their father and what an amazing beacon of faith you have been to them as well as the rest of us. We love you all and hope the Spirit of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ continues to be with you throughout this time. Much love, Katy and Scott Smith and Family

I admit I've never read your blog. Until now...what a perspective to look into. I am stronger in my own testimony now from reading the few entries I have so far. Very few would treat your situation with such poise as you do. My prayers are with you. Although a distant relative-I love you!

Your family is such an amazing example of testimony and faith. I'm so sorry you've all had to experience this, but I know you have been such an example to all of those around you. You will continue to be in our prayers. Love you all!

Wow, thank you for your inspired words! You have been a great example to me for the past while as I have been hearing about you from my mom. Ben and Allison, you have amazing strength that I deeply admire. Your testimony will linger in our family for a long time as we tell your story. Thank you so much for your incredible example. We love your sweet family so much!

Although I am less than thrilled to hear the news, I am amazed with all other commenters at your poise and faith. What an example. I pray that your last weeks will be all you hope for and that you will feel comforted in knowing your family will be taken care of.We love you, and if there is anything we can do to help your remaining time to be better, please let us know.Evan and Anne McDonough and family

We love you and feel privileged to have rubbed shoulders with you the last few years. You have touched our lives. All five of you are in our prayers. You are shining stars and examples to us and all you know you.

Thank you Ben and Allison. We love you both, and your family, and you remain -- faithfully -- in our thoughts and prayers. We continue to pull for you every step of the way as you continue to live a life so full of grace, strength, and love.

Ben, you have fought a good fight. We love you. Allison, we pray that you will be sustained, blessed and watched over. Please know how much we love you, your dear children. We are grateful for your testimony that this is not the end, but very much the beginning. Our prayers are with you.

Ben and Allison,You are an inspiration to us all! What a difficult thing it is to hear this news. We have watched your family go through this challenging battle with such strength and testimony which has added to our own. The knowledge of the gospel is a blessing. Your love and friendship mean the world to us. We love you and are so grateful we have friends like you in our lives.

You are such an amazing example of strength, wisdom and courage. We feel privileged to have shared just a little piece of your lives. You are a special family with so many gifts and we know that those strengths will accompany you now, and into the future.

Please know how much we love you and all of your children. Thank you for your example of love and harmony, of showing the rest of us a beautiful way to go through life, even the unforseen challenges. You will continue to be in our thoughts and prayers.

And Ben, Chris will continue to need that push up the canyon if you see him stuggling. You always inspired him to go a little harder.

Ben, you are a good man. One of the best that Stephen and I have had the pleasure of knowing. We admire the courage and dignity in which you and Allison have had on this very difficult and painful journey. Our hearts are heavy with grief knowing that your life on earth has been shortened, but we rejoice to know that this life is not the end and that all friendships will continue beyond the veil. We love you both more than words can adequately express.

Ben and Allison - It is heartbreaking to hear this news. You will continue to be in our thoughts and prayers as you finish this journey. You are both truly inspiring people. I hope that you will be able to find peace and happiness in the time you have left together. Thank you for your example.Love, Melissa

I am full of mixed emotions as I read your blog. May you continue to feel the peace and comfort that the Savior can bring to you. I know our Father in Heaven and Savior will be there and will bring you tender mercies in the days ahead. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

You two are truly some of my heroes. I feel nothing but gratitude to know you and have you as friends. Please know that you both continue to be in my prayers. Thank you so much for your examples of faith and courage and good cheer amid the trials of mortality.

I am devistated at this news, and I hope you know how much I LOVE you and your family. You have been amazingly courageous throughout this whole process. You and your family will be blessed because of your strength and FAITH. Love you always, KC

I've read your blog faithfully and it always uplifts me, helps me count my blessings, and encourages me to do better in my own life. Thank you for sharing this journey with me. I hope you know we continue to have you in our prayers.

Ben,From a young age, you have been a constant in my life. No matter how much time passed by, I always felt a kinship and love from you that never wavered. You are a remarkable man. I am sorry you have suffered in pain. I am sorry this marks the end of this journey for you. But I know that you have made an incredible impact in your short life. I know you have impacted mine. May the days that proceed offer you comfort and peace. May you be at rest and know that there are many who love you dearly, there are many who love Allison and your children. Please find peace in knowing that we will all take care of them, in our own special way. I wish you a peaceful passing, my dear friend. With great respect and love, Whitney

Ben and Allison,Thank you for your wonderful words of peace and inspiration. You have both been such great examples to so many! I have continually read your blog...and although I have prayed for a different outcome,I am grateful for the peace you feel at this time. Always know that you both are loved. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.Angie Heinhold Terry

Ben and Allison-I was so sad to hear the news. You are my heros and I feel so blessed to know you both. Ben, we will miss you! (for now) Thanks for your amazing examples.I am praying for your family. Allison, let me know if I can do anything for you.

Ben-Thank you for letting me be a part of your life! You know, we have been together almost every day for the last 10+ years, so this is hard for me. From the college years, all the way to building this crazy business together you continue to be an inspiration in my life. I know we talk often, and hopefully you know how much you mean to me, but publicly I want to tell you how much I appreciate your friendship. It has helped shape me into who I am. You are a great example to me, and a great friend. I will miss watching the sunrise with you atop the beautiful Wasatch winter peaks, and I will miss you poking your head into my office door to talk about some cool story or discovery you made. I am glad we got to share those last precious (slushy) turns together at Alta this spring. I love you and will miss you in my life, but I know you will still be there next to me in the high Wasatch at dawn sharing in those white fluffy turns. I wish you the best of luck in your new adventure, and know you will just be "up the trail and around the bend." I love you buddy.-Jeff

Ben - your words of faith and understanding are truly inspiring! Having loved you, and followed your saga from here has pulled at my heartstrings, but has also stengthened me in so many ways. I am blessed to know you and to have learned from your inspirational example. Firestorm forever.

My thoughts and prayers are with you two and your sweet family. I am inspired by the way you have met this challenge head on and humbled by your graceful acceptance of the apparent outcome. I have always thought of you as true friends. My friendship and love is still yours now, accompanied by that of a multitude of others sharing the same sentiments. You will be in countless prayers.

Allison and BenMy heart is heavy as I read this but I am touched by your poignant words and your faith. As I have heard updates over the past 15 months, I have been inspired by your courage and positive attitudes. We will keep you both and your family in our prayers and hope that you will be comforted and strengthened in the coming days.

I reflect back to games of fussball, basketball in your driveway, boy's choir, frostbitten snow cave campouts up Guardsman, many snowboarding treks, more recent lunches with you and Kenton and much more. I know as you and your family do that this is just the beginning of much much more but I still grieve over your early departure. You have been an unwavering friend since I first met you. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

I hardly know you and your family in person, but your story has strengthened my faith in Jesus Christ and comforted me during my own difficult time. Thank you for openly sharing your journey, and for living a life worthy of entering the next phase of it sooner than we had hoped.

This was very hard for us to read. We love and admire your family so much. Your family is continually in our thoughts and prayers. We will miss seeing and chatting with you. You have had an amazing life thus far and will continue to do amazing things. Thank you for this posting. Your trials have made us feel more grateful for our many blessings in this life. We want to help any way we can, so please let us know what we can do. Liz will definitely miss her birthday buddy.

You are so strong! You and Allison have been such true friends since we met so many years ago at the University of Utah. Thank you for your constant support and unwavering faith in my difficult times. I will continue to be inspired by your courage and strength through this enduring experience. I wish you peace and to be pain free!

I extend my love, prayers and forever support to your beautiful wife and children. Know that I will share fond memories with them of your brilliance, charm and courage. You are a wonderful friend. Thank you for being in my life!

You and your families have left a mark on me that I will carry with me through eternity. Your small acts of kindness, your humility and willingness to sacrifice for others provides all of us an incredible example. Let's not forget your ability to kick tail both up and down the mountain in all seasons. On your "hall pass" come ride, ski, play and challenge us. I still owe you lots of miles from the time I spent on your back wheel.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.I too have been inspirted by your words, faith, and strength. I pray that you and your family will have peace,comfort, and even moments of joy in the coming days.

Dear Ben,Odette and I have followed with interest your fight against cancer and have always been so impressed with your faith, hope and gratitude that you displayed during a very difficult time for you and your family. Even though we don't know you and your immediate family well, we know your parents well and some of your siblings well and we know that you are going to leave a great legacy of faith and love. The Jacobsen's will always be Class A1 in my book. God speed my friend.

I love your family. I ache to see you enter this new phase. I worried when my mom died that my kids wouldn't know her, and that they wouldn't remember her and all that she was. But I have learned much over the last few years about the gift of a large and loving family, and the memory of place. I love tucking my kids into bed at the cabin, in the same bed I slept in as a little girl, and the same bed my mom slept in as a little girl. I also love knowing that when they go down to the beach, there are so many people who knew and loved my mom to tell her stories and help her be known, in a place she loved so much. I know the same will be true for your sweet kids. They will be able to feel you and know you and feel connected to you there. We continue to pray for you, and will continue and continue to pray for your family for a long time to come.

I'm so grateful to be your friend. You have enriched my life in so many ways. We have raced up and down more hills and mountains on our bikes and skis than I can count. You have always challenged me to be better than I ever thought I could be. Because of you, I am a better biker, skier, contractor, husband, father, priesthood holder, and friend. Your great example of your life will always encourage and inspire me to be better, faster and stronger. I knew always having to be first would get you into trouble some day.

I love you and will miss you terribly. I can't wait to have many more adventures when we meet again. Until then...

You have a courage and a peacefulness that extends to everyone around you, and now to everyone who reads this blog. Thank you for that, and thank you for being you. Those of us who have know you-- if only briefly and distantly-- are in your debt.

Ben, Missy contacted me about your blog...your words are profound and are now touching the lives of many people...I want to thank you for allowing me to videotape you and your family for them to remember you. I was in awe of your clear intention for them to remember not just your life story but your love for them...as you read to each of the children and hugged and kissed them and gave them words of encouragement. Your loving words to Allison were so beautiful. I know how badly you were feeling that day, but your courage was amazing. My thoughts and prayers will always be with you.

We have thought of you with hope and love since hearing of this trial. You have lifted us with your amazing strength, courage and vision. We know you have found peace in eternal truths and our faith is enlarged for you and through you. May this chapter be full of comfort and peace for you both as we collectively lend our thoughts and prayers to you.

Ben - To be honest, I am having a difficult time digesting this news. I have prayed and hoped otherwise, and I don't understand exactly why you have to leave now, but I am glad that you'll soon be in a place where you will no longer have to suffer pain in this life. I just want you to know how grateful I am for the chance to know you and be your friend. I have many fond memories of late nights studying at your house during college, ski days, hanging out, etc. I believe my life is better now for having that friendship and influence in my life. I've always looked up to you for the way you make the most of life, your optimism, the way you approach challenges, and your good heart. I love you and will miss you.

We love you both so much and are praying for your family during this tender time. We feel so blessed to know you. Thank you for sharing your lives with us. You are a wonderful example of strength and unwaivering faith. May the gift of peace and comfort be in your home at this time.

Tough but incredibly insightful and inspiring post. Man, I am really going to miss you Ben. I'm so sorry you are suffering and will be happy that the pain will be over, but I will really miss you. Your fight has been so inspirational to me and my family. What a hero. You can go out with your head held high. I'll miss you, but I look forward to you kicking my butt on the bike some time in the future. Thanks Ben. Love you man.

Ben and Allison,I came across your team firestorm page from Laura's FB. I grew up in the GP ward with the Jacobsen family and Bishop Burbidge was my bishop in a single's ward a long time ago. Since he knew I was from GP ward, I remember he told me that his daughter was sweet on Ben Jacobsen. A few years later I remember seeing your wedding announcement at my parent's house.Our thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. Heavenly Father must have marvellous things in store for your family beyod the veil to receive the test you have and will continue to receive.May God bless!Wendy Jarvis Hairel

We love you guys and will always be here for you and your family. Your family is and always will be cherished in the Gardner household as amazing people who love life, family and friends. Thank you for all you have taught us, and please never hesitate to contact us for any need.

I am certainly with you in spirit and think alot about you even though you don't know it. You have been a great example to all of us in how to be a better man, father, husband and child of our Heavenly Father and Mother. I hope that I can approach life's adversities with the attitude, faith and fearlessness that you have. I'm glad I got to "touch shoulders" with you in this journey, I've felt your calm spirit and testimony in ways that you may never know. Someday I hope this will all make better sense. In the mean time, I'll try to live life the way you have.

I have tears in my eyes as I write this. Ben and Allison, Soren and I love you both so much! You are amazing people of faith. May the Spirit be with you, and also, the comfort of the Savior. We would do anything for you, and wish we could take away this bitter cup. God bless you and your beautiful children. Please know we are here to provide love and support in any way we can.

We love you, and we're so sorry that you're going through this. Our deepest sympathies and love.

Wow, we had heard bits and pieces over the last few months and we are now heartbroken at the latest news. We as a family extend from Florida our deepest thoughts and prayers as you gather in love to affirm your relationships at this time. Few words can express our feelings at this news except to say, we are sorry, deeply saddened, and truly sincere in saying we know the great plan as you do and we hope that we will be worthy to join you on the other side as Saints of the Most High. Families Are Forever.

Our heads are empty as we try to think of words to express. The lumps in our throats won't stop growing.

Despite the understanding many of us have about life's plan, moments like this bring a reality to life's fragility that we often avoid. While our hearts tore as we read your words, we were uplifted and inspired by them. While your body, Ben, has continued to be cut down, your hope and courage has built us up and made us stronger. You're like the tree in that book many of us have read to our kids, giving parts of yourself to others. But now it is your turn to "sit down. Sit down and rest."

May your next journey be as wonderful as this one has been, full of angels that make you smile and laugh.

The great joy that I have in regards to Ben is the pleasure that I have had to know him since we were 5 years old. There is barely a memory that I have in regards to Ben, bike rides, snowboarding and summers that doesn't include Ben.

Ben, thanks for making mine and my families life so much more full and complete. And remember . . . I will always be one bend behind you!

Dear Ben: First, I have to say that I have always been somewhat skeptical of the computer entering into so many areas of daily life, probably because of my age. Now I realize it's truly one more gift and to think that you would offer an opportunity for so many of us to share in your 'experience'- to cry together and feel your strengh together is a new experience at least for me, and is reaching down deep. I feel connected to you and your family right now and to all who love you. It's a feeling of strength. I trust you feel it big time. Love, Tammy Jensen

Ben - It's been awhile, but I still have fond memories of when we were both younger. You are missed by us and all the old Garden Parkers. Please know how much we love you and pray for you and your family. You have been an inspiration to all of us.Floyd Jensen

We haven't been able to stop thinking about you since we read your most recent post. Our hearts are heavy and it's hard to express in words our thoughts and feelings. Thank you for allowing us to share the ups and downs of this experience with you. We, like so many others, have prayed, fasted, and cried with you. We think of you constantly.

We admire the incredible courage and faith that you continue to show. We pray that peace and comfort will surround you. We love you, our dear friends.

Ben,It is an honor to know you. You have fought this battle courageously. We want you to know of our love for you and your family. Good luck to you, friend, and know that when we see your children, we will tell them their daddy is close by, loving them from Heaven.Love, Chad and Amy Hemingway

I've never met you. Andrew Florence is my brother. He shared this blog post with our family and I have to tell you that the faith and centeredness expressed here is inspiring. I can't tell you how it has affected me. My prayers are with you and your beautiful family.

Ben,My Wife and I have been following your blog since we found out about your battle with cancer over a year ago. I was hesitant to post anything but having read this last entry I know that I should. The Jacobsen family has been an important part of my life. I just want you to know that we have been praying for you and your family from the start. Also, we too have been uplifted and inspired spiritually by you, your attitude and your spirit of Love and the Savior. Thank you.

You don't know me, but I am your co-worker, Jake Merkley's wife's sister. She sent this blog post to all of our family because of the impact it had on her and the perspective it gave her, and she wanted to share that with us. I don't even know, you, but this post brought tears to my eyes. You have an incredible testimony, and mine has been strengthened just by reading your post. I can't imagine what you are going through, physically, spiritually, emotionally, etc., but I can tell you are a very strong person and a huge blessing to all around you, and I don't doubt you still will be for years and decades to come. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing the things you did on this post, for your perspective and your amazing attitude.Sincerely, Melissa Gurr

Ben & Allison,It was just yesterday when we heard things were not going well with you. Now as we read this, our hearts are touched and saddened. We know you are a good man and have lived a good life. We are better off having known you. I'm personally grateful for your loyal friendship all these years. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this critical time.

Your words move me very deeply. I appreciate the dignity and faith that you approach this moment in your life. Thank you for your example of courage, long-suffering, and good cheer. You have truly run the good race, fought the good fight. May your light continue to shine for each of us as we seek to follow your example,

Ben, your words have touched my heart. You and your family are in my prayers. You are an example to all of us of courage and dignity. I promise to keep a watchful eye on your sweet children while they are at school. I pray our love and support will give you peace and comfort today, tomorrow and throughtout eternatity.

Allison and Ben- I am so sorry. We are inspired by your family and have always admired your gracious, important lives. Thanks for strengthening us when you are likely physically weak. Our prayers and hearts are with you.

Ben, I am so saddened to hear the news today. It is clear by the words that you have written here that you have been able to accept the Lord's plan for you in a way that we all should. Thank you for that reminder. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers.Jess Chappell

Ben and Allison, You really do not know me, but I am a "Clam" member and love your mom and dad Ben. I have been following your blog and am so sorry that about the news, but being a physician I knew the odds were not good. What you did I am sure prolonged your time here. I too have lost my wife, but I feel her presense often as have my children. You will be able to watch all from the windows of heaven and bless all of their lives when needed. Love to you both, Jim Pingree

I want to say hello and let you know our family sends our love to you. I have loved getting to know you Ben since you married Allison and seeing your family grow. Please know we have you in our hearts during this difficult time and that we are so grateful you have your family forever.

Dear Ben and Allison,Though it has been years, I am grateful for the season of energetic youth when I got to know you, to spend time with you, to make fun memories with you and a terrific group of friends. You are wonderful people!! I am grateful for the verse of scripture in D&C 130:2 that says "the same sociality which exists among us here will exists among us there, only it will be coupled with eternal glory..." It is true! What comfort and joy that brings to me. You are in my prayers. God be with you.with love,Louise McConkie Leavitt

You are truely and inspiration. The grace and dignity with which you have handled this situation is nothing short of amazing. You were one of my first friends here on this earth and I am humbled and honored to have known you. God bless you and your family as you conclude your journey here on earth and continue in the eternities with you beautiful family.

Thank you for sharing your testimony and being an example of great faith. I have learned much from you in the short 6 months that I have known you. You are an inspiration to all that you know and have changed my outlook on life. God bless you and your family!

My girls just said, 'Mom, you're crying again... Are you reading Sarah's dad's blog?' Your words and the spirit felt when they are read are so very tender. Ben, you are a man to be admired. Allison, with your generous and capable heart and soul, I have faith that you will have the courage needed to continue the Jacobsen legacy. Thank you for tutoring us, amidst your greatest challenges. Emi Edgley

Hi Ben,I am so sad to read your most recent post. I have looked up to you for so many years. I recall the days when I was a scout and you were one of the young cool leaders. I now know how to wax skis, tune up a bike, slack-line, and layer clothing on a winter campout. I will never forget the wonderful example you were to me of a scout leader, who ultimately became a friend. Even in your most trying time you have continued to be an example to me. We love you and your family,Bridger and Lauren JensenSouth Pasadena California

Shari and I send our deepest sympathies and wish, as others do, that we could do something to alter this course; but we understand there is a greater power at work here as you have so eloquently illustrated. I am grateful for the opportunity I had to get to you know you at the U, and to learn from you both there and through this journey you have allowed us to follow. Know that we are here for you and your family and we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.

Anyone who has kept up with your blog cannot be anything but moved to emotiion. You are both courageos and exeplary. Speaking of example, your life, Ben, will endure as a monument representing goodness, faith and courage. Your parents are dear friends and have carried on with a stiff upper lip. But, Joan and I know only too well of the pain that they are feeling inside. Our prayers are with you as you appoach this road to the eternities. You have our prayers, our love and our sincere resprect and admiration.Mike and Joan Madsen

It is tough to know what to say, but our thoughts are with you and your family every day. I don't think anyone who knows you would be able to go about life in the same way after reading about your experiences. Thanks for sharing them with us.

Ben,I am truly sorry to hear this news, but am very inspired by the courage, faith, and determination you and Allison and the kids have shown through such a trial. I feel blessed to be able to count you as a friend. You and your family are still in our prayers daily.

Thank you for your courage, your testimonies of the plan, and your example to all of us. We continue to pray for peace and comfort for your immediate family and for our dear friends the Burbidges and the Jacobsens. We love you.

Words cannot express the sadness we felt when reading your latest entry. Like others, we wish that there were something that we could do or say to take this struggle from you all. You have touched so many lives in the way that you have lived yours. We count ourselves among the many who have been blessed from knowing you. Your example of kindness and Christ-like love will always stay with us. Thank you for sharing this journey. You are such an inspiration to all and have taught us so much through your words and actions.

Please know that you will continue to be in our thoughts and prayers as you all begin this new journey.

I read this over and over again. I don't know what to write that could get anywhere near how I would translate my thoughts. Your courage is 100%, I am in awe of that. I hope that you can steer your way through, you have great people close to you. Ged Power (GB - Isle of Man)