The Quiet Descent to Tender Ground

Eight years, 2 months of muscle straining, oxygen deprived, mind exploding, grief-laden work to manage the grip of the skeleton hands of the past.

The rocky terrain and deep crevasses that held the traps of programmed words ready to pull me down into oblivion.

Deafening winds, echoes of the past knocking me down, pushing me sideways, making it hard to grip the rope. The storm passes, allowing rest in the snow caves of acceptance.

So many times, wanting to give up, give in to the beast of symptoms. But trusting, knowing, that my Sherpa would guide me through the sharpest peaks and deepest valleys.

Summiting many times, thinking there were no more hidden mountains. Then catching glimpse of the last, gnarly climb looming just around the bend. Everything inside me screams, “No, leave it,” but I realize that climbing all but that last steep incline would leave me stuck, and breathless. Allowing space for the blinders to slowly creep back into place.

I push through. One last climb to release the locked, cold grip of the past.

Scar tissue replaces open wounds. I work to try and accept my abilities in the wake of my past. A sense of accomplishment for not giving in to the siren call of hopelessness fills my fragile, yet strong newly whole self.

The arduous climb, the trust in a committed therapist, the quiet, gentle descent, calloused feet on the tender ground, the exhalation of living fully in the truth.