Wednesday, July 2, 2014

This is me...

Everything that I write is from my dungeon of feelings, trials and tribulations.

With that being said, understand that I am doing everything in my power to make sure that our current situation doesn't affect my daughter when she's old enough to understand.

I never understood the purpose of using the "principle" as the base of an argument. Until recently, that is.

"It's just the principle of it all" was my only argument through my tear soaked eyes as I explained to my cousin the injustice my child will face and the embarrassing hurt I felt.

As is quite well known, my daughter's maker and I have no contact whatsoever because he, for reasons unknown, chose not to be a part of her life.

So here I am with my phone in my hand, screaming at my cousin about some stupid ass principle that the universe obviously didn't care about. Earlier that day, someone sent a screen shot of him being father of the year to his OTHER newborn daughter (yes, when I was 5 months pregnant, he got two other women pregnant), at the hospital with the rest of his trifling ass family.

At this time, my daughter was 4 months old and he had not made an effort to see her nor had he called.

Bitch.

In that same month, his little sister came to visit and suggested I reach out to their mom because "she would love to see her granddaughter" so that I did. I thought, even if she doesn't know her father, maybe knowing the other half of her family was the least I could do.

Boy was I wrong.

Needless to say, his little sister was the only person that ever made any type of effort to see this beautiful being that I might as well had made on my own. His mother flaked on us to take his grandma and auntie to the hospital to see his precious new baby and forgot my beautiful baby existed.

They had basically followed his lead and abandoned Shy and as a reward for being as dirty as him, they were given a shiny new toy to play with, his other kid.

Bitch.

Now, a lot of people would say that it is in bad taste to talk about my "baby daddy" and his family on a blog. That it isn't lady-like or classy, but It wasn't very lady-like of him to abandon his child nor is he and his family being classy about it!

Our relationship was never the best and he's never been a model member of society but you never expect someone to look at your precious gift to this earth and flat out decide to walk away without remorse. So yes, I screamed and cried and made empty threats, but what was truly the point?

The worse part was that I wasn't as angry at his actions as I was myself.

These tears came from the absolute guilt I felt for cursing my child with half of this awful man. Guilt that at one point, I actually thought him material enough to create life with.

Mostly, I felt guilty that for the rest of my little one's life, she'll question why this mythical man isn't around, why is he around his other children, why doesn't he love her?

How do you explain?

"Mommy was stupid and laid with a dog and got you along with some fleas."

That's some fucked up shit to explain to a little girl. I fear that she sees me less than I am, less than the woman I worked so hard to be. I had worked so hard to find myself and it could crumble with just the opinion of my child.

So I cried and cried and cried not only of guilt, embarrassment, or even the hurt I felt for my daughter's sake, I was angry! The audacity of this piece of shit. I could've ripped his face off. The amount of arrogance this boy possessed has to be an in-formidable force.

...And fear. More fear. It always came down to fear.

What will become of her, carrying around this stigma of a fatherless child?

"Think about it Shay, do you truly want him in her life?" This was the only thing my cousin said to me and boy, did it hit me like a ton of bricks.

No

Fuck no, I didn't want him in her life! I didn't want her to know the man that will never amount to the father she deserves, ever. He was no longer the man I knew, he was the monster that avoided my constant offers of knowing this beautiful little girl we made. I stifled his chances of corrupting her life but it was the fucking principle!

I never asked him for a dime, just give her the time she deserves and I'll do the rest. Now, I'm doing everything in my power to make sure that this ignorance never affects her as an adult.

I work, I go to school, I make sure that I spend every waking second with her so she feels that love and understands that even if she's at daycare while I work my 12 hour shifts and go to class 3 days a week, mommy will always come home.

I feel bad for him, really. She's amazing. At 6 months she's crawling and sitting up and trying to stand.

At 6 months, she's everything and more.

At 6 months, she's his greatest creation and he would never know it.

If by divine intervention alone, he reaches out, apologizes for his awful actions, and asks to know her, I would have no problems with that because she is of both our flesh. But I refuse to have his inconsistency and invisibility corrupt her way of seeing the world and fatherhood.

So for now, I'll continue to be a boss at This Baby Shit and Mothering Thing....