John W. James

Where were you when I needed you?

The saddest question we ever hear is, "Where were you when I needed you?"

That's what people ask when they find out what we do in helping grievers. We're presenting helpful and accurate information on this site, at the time you need it most, with the hope that you'll never need to ask that question.

It's an honor and a sad privilege to be addressing you, knowing that each of you has recently experienced the death of someone important to you. We also know some of you are reading this because of your care and concern for someone who is confronted by the death of someone important in their life.

We bring our personal experience in dealing with the deaths of people who were important to us, and our professional know-how in helping grievers for more than 30 years. We'll help you distinguish between the "raw grief" that is your normal and natural reaction to the death, and the equally normal "unresolved grief" that relates to the unfinished emotions that are part of the physical ending of all relationships.

A basic reality for most grieving people is difficulty concentrating or focusing. With that in mind, we asked Tributes.com to print our articles in a large type font to make them easier to read. Sharing our concern for grieving people, they agreed.

Ask The Grief Experts

You can't help people who don't want or ask for help. You can only help yoursellf, and hope they see the changes in you. (Published 8/12/2014)

Q:

I have a twin sister who lost her only child in April of 2006, she was shot to death by her boyfriend. It has been very tough on us all and I too still have a hard time coping but my sister is stuck in anger mode and there is no moving her. She's so far into it that there's no talking to her at all. All reason has been pushed aside. She says no one understands because it was her daughter and we don't know what she’s going through. Very destructive towards the emotions of others. Now my mother has been diagnosed with cancer and her anger has intensified. Can you help? I cry EVERY DAY still, but now it's not just for my niece, but for my sister too! Thank you so much for your time, and for listening.

A Grief Expert Replies:

Dear Terry,

Thanks for your note and question.

Indeed, for you the loss is compounded. For now, it is as if you’ve lost your sister on top of the death of your niece. And, knowing that twins can be exceptionally close—whether identical or fraternal—we’d imagine that your pain is overwhelming,

There is no easy answer we can give you. No matter what we can say that might be helpful for you, we aren’t able to talk to your sister, and as you probably already know, she wouldn’t be able to hear us at this point anyway. Her anger—as understandable as it may be—keeps her away from any kind of help or comfort from family or friends, and certainly keeps her far away from any guidance from professionals.

The only thing you can do is take care of yourself. You need to take the actions that will help you feel as emotionally complete as you can with your niece AND with your sister. In addition to that helping you, the best we can then hope for, is that at some point she’ll notice the changes in you and will ask about it. Until then, since she’s not asking for your help [or anyone else’s] then you have to let her alone.

The fact is that no one does understand how she feels, but what she doesn’t realize is that even another woman who might have had her daughter blown away by a boyfriend, still wouldn’t understand, because all relationships are unique. The fact is that she would be devastated—and possibly just as angry—had her daughter died some other way.

Go to the bookstore or library and get a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook. Read it and take the actions it outlines. As you do, you’ll get back some of your energy, which we’re guessing you might need if you’re to be one of the primary caregivers for your mother. Her illness is another grief for you that you must deal with as you move forward.

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Tributes.com is the online source for current local and national obituary news and a supportive community where friends and family can come together during times of loss and grieving to honor the memories of their loved ones with lasting personal tributes.