In Two Years Every Shitty Movie Will Be About Uber

The Hollywood Reporter broke the news that Universal and Fox both paid a shitload of money to get the wheels turning on two different Uber-themed movies.

On April 14, Universal reportedly coughed up seven figures for an untitled comedy starring Will Ferrell as “an Uber driver stuck with a deranged escaped-convict passenger”. The morning after, Fox apparently paid six figures for the script of a movie titled Stuber, which apparently “takes place over one harrowing night in the life of an Uber driver who picks up a grizzled cop working the most dangerous case of his career”.

Both of them sound predictably bad, and it’s unclear whether anyone besides Uber CEO Travis Kalanick actually wants to see a movie about the company. Nevertheless, Universal and Fox dedicated a lot of money to these projects, so I went ahead and made their lives a little easier. Below, I slightly altered the IMDB descriptions for some popular car-related movies. (Hollywood likes reboots, right?) It took me about 20 minutes, but they’re definitely not worse than the proposed ideas. Universal and Fox: Call me.

Driving Miss Lazy

An entitled millennial and her Uber driver in New York City have a relationship that sours and eventually implodes after he asks her how she manages to pay for all of those rides. At the end, her Uber rating dips down to a lowly 2.4, and she faces the prospect of reckoning with her life choices. She doesn’t. [IMDB]

Travis and Logan

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick and Lyft CEO Logan Green and take off in a ‘66 Thunderbird after deciding they’re done raking in the millions. Haha, just kidding. [IMDB]

Drive II

A mysterious Hollywood stuntman and mechanic moonlights as an Uber driver and finds himself in trouble when he helps out his neighbour. He wears white satin jacket with Travis Kalanick’s face on the back. [IMDB]

Surge

A young Uber driver must get his passenger to his destination before surge pricing ends. He speeds past a mall, never going below 50 mph, until he’s stopped by mall cop Paul Blart. Everyone in the audience spontaneously combusts. [IMDB]

2 Apps 2 Furious

Former Uber driver Bryan O’Connor must take down a rival Lyft driver after he kidnaps a passenger. He calls upon a childhood friend who is looking for another chance at life. The two eventually beat the shit out the Lyft driver using one of those horrifying pink moustaches. [IMDB]