A Traditional Christmas . . . With the NBA

For months we suffered through a lockout 。Now in low-post we hope they’ll block out.For guys whose gift was dissed by a wife。Or can’t bear to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life”–It’s Christmas Day—with the NBA.

Shoot-first guards, flat-footed centers. They’re all among the 1%-ers.And yet they hear no outraged howls. As long as they don’t draw six fouls. It’s Christmas Day—with the NBA.

When, exactly, did this begin, This chance to ignore your kith and kin, And in-laws who are long-distance callers By watching instead a bunch of ballers. It’s Christmas Day—with the NBA.

I’ll bet you an ugly necktie that Santa has no Chinese tat. They probably mean something like “No smoking please” Or “With two items white rice is free!” It’s Christmas Day—with the NBA.I think with pity of the Baby Jesus Away in a manger, as his tuchus freezes.Surrounded by oxen and also lambs No flat-screen TV to watch monster jams—It’s Christmas Day—with the NBA.

9 Ways to Improve the NBA

The NBA has a lot it could do to improve. Everyone knows this. Even the players. Even the owners. So why don't they do something about it? You guessed it. Money. That little detail aside, here are nine things the NBA could do to improve itself...easily.

#1 Make the regular season a lot shorter. We all know the lockout-induced season this year is only going to be 66 games. This is probably a little bit too short. But 82 games, a normal season these days, is way too long. Players get hurt, they don't play defense, and they struggle to make it to the end of the season. For many fans, watching the playoffs is the extent of their fanaticism. This is sad. Watching players slog through a too-long season is also so. Somewhere around 70 games would be perfect. College baseball players double the amount of games they play in the pros, and football players play around 50% more. Basketball players play three times as many. Time to change that.

#2 Change the referee system. First of all, hire more referees so that players and referees don't develop relationships, bad or good. This can only lead to bias in calling the game. Also, show us stats on referees. And please hire more athletic refs while you're at it, possibly even some ex-NBA players. The ones you have now can't keep up.

#3 Slash players’ salaries. This doesn't even need an explanation. Players make too much, which leads to ridiculous ticket prices, and ridiculous prices for concessions. I do not need to pay nine bucks for a 12 ounce beer. Owners, coaches and admin don't need to make as much, either.

#4 Cut back on the number of playoff teams. Teams with 39 wins don't need to participate in the playoffs. It's not competitive, and it's not good for ratings. I know this issue is once again about money, but come on! We don't need to see playoff sweep after playoff sweep in the first round. It's not fun for us to watch, or for the low seeded team to play, when we pretty much know the outcome.

#5 Bring fairness to NBA scheduling. Teams do not need to play on back-to-back days. This would only be fair if all teams got an equal number of these disasters, but they don't. So, in the spirit of fair play, let's try to eliminate these from teams’ schedules. There are often scheduling conflicts at certain stadiums that make this difficult, but if it isn't possible, at least try to make it equal.

#6 No more minimum age rule. One-and-done should go the way of the Dodo. Players who know they're going pro after a year of college barely complete a semester of school. One semester of college? And then you can go pro? Who thought of this rule? These kids are getting nothing out of college, and the schools are doing everything they can to get around this rule, including borderline cheating. Get rid of it and set up some sort of more sophisticated developmental league.

#7 Guaranteed money? No more. Guaranteed salaries in the NBA have caused more problems than they have solved. Signing bonuses, or less years guaranteed would probably work out better. Or guarantees that only come into effect based on performance. We don't need to see any more players slacking in their later years because they have a huge guaranteed salary. No more faking injuries, or taking too long to get surgery and waiting until the regular season begins, please.

#8 Make the trade rules more lenient. With the recent trade issues, it's obvious that the rules need to be changed. I understand not wanting one team to be a dynasty, but come on. Let the trades happen. GMs are not stupid people; usually they have the ability to figure out what's best for their team. There should still be a "that's a ridiculous trade" clause in the rules where it's obvious there's a fire-sale going on, but let the trades happen.

#9 Finally, make the luxury tax fair. I understand the concept behind the tax, but it keeps the small market teams down and the larger market teams on top. It needs to be changed to be based on revenue and the size of that teams market for it to work. Minnesota and Chicago are way different in terms of size, so why doesn't this matter when it comes to the luxury tax. The penalties are the same for both teams, which really makes it hard for the Timberwolves to field a competitive team. Change the luxury tax now. Tax the wealthy.

All of these changes would make the NBA not only a better product for fans to watch, but a better place for the players to play. Change is not always a bad thing.

An Ode To Marc Maron

Stand up comedians are a strange breed of man, standing on a stage in front of an audience enthralled with the words falling off of their tongues while they talk about how much they hate themselves and how insecure they are knowing full well that the stage lights do wonders for that razor sharp wit of theirs. No matter how ill fitted their polo shirt, no matter how odd looking their denim jacket, they still look like a rock star. Add a scruffy salt and pepper 5 o'clock shadow and a nice Tom Selleck mustache, I'm left asking, "What time are the groupies showing up?" When I was a little girl, I used to stay up really late to watch Comedy Central Presents after my mom had gone to bed. Marc Maron's special was one that seemed to come on a lot. You don't know how much I prayed that I would become funnier by watching these shows. And no matter how many jokes of his I would try to memorize and then retell to my fellow 13 year old friends, I was never going to become funnier. Perhaps Maron's jokes about drug use were over some of the heads of my peers, but still... I was destined to live a life of taking myself far too seriously. Fast forward to twenty somethings Dance, the one that is getting a better sense of who she is as a woman, who has a rather childlike sense of humor with a poor understanding of comic timing. She likes internet memes. She giggles uncontrollably when someone says "fart" loudly in public. Sometimes she'll say "Boop!" when she presses buttons. She dances in the aisles of grocery stores. She's painfully shy when she thinks people can see her. She lives in LA, and she loves getting to see her favorite comedians that she grew up watching on TV do what they do in person much better than she could ever dream of doing herself. Marc Maron being one of them. The first time I stumbled upon one of his live shows at The Improv, I was on a date. The date himself became less impressive after stars began to twinkle in my eyes. Maron was hanging out near the door, the only door the audience could exit out of, and I felt like I couldn't walk past him without telling him that I thought he was pretty great and that I grew up enjoying his funnies. He was very gracious and said he hoped I liked the show. I did. I like his show every single time. If/When he gets his TV show, I'll buy the DVDs. His podcast is lovely. I just saw him onstage in a tiny club in Hollywood this evening and you bet I liked his set. I giggled the same way I did when I was little. Although, I should remind myself never to say anything out loud when people I admire might find themselves within earshot. Someone at the bar tonight was asking me about the political landscape of LA, and I was saying that it's a range of preferences here. In some areas, politics are staunchly liberal (West Hollywood). In other areas, heavily conservative (Beverly Hills). In places like Santa Monica, maybe socially liberal, fiscally conservative. It's hard to live in a city like this with as many nuanced and unique neighborhoods as there are and be able to call it one thing LIKE I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. Pretending to be an expert on anything is embarrassing when a childhood hero walks past. I wondered if he heard any of the drivel coming out of my mouth, and I wondered if he might have an opinion of his own about it that he could school me on. But maybe he doesn't. Maybe this world, this serious, nuanced world of nonprofit organizations and community politics is an arena all my own and I don't have to worry about being able to tell a joke here. I have a lot of heroes, and I admire a lot of people but some have more sentimental value than others. Marc Maron does what he does so admirably, in my opinion. I hope that I can tell stories about the way I see the world in a voice all my own. I hope that, even though I can't tell a good joke, I can still make something as simple as eating chicken that was too spicy a really wonderful story.

Just Dance

I’m not the sort of person you’d look at and think, “Now there’s someone who can probably cut a rug.” I’m fairly awkward, certainly clumsy, and not exactly, um, built like someone with a lot of rhythm and grace. (Although I want to cut the judges on “So You Think You Can Dance” when they scoff at a good dancer just because she doesn’t look good in a belly shirt and cameltoe shorts.) But I really love to dance. I don’t need to pound four amaretto sours to feel comfortable doing it, and I don’t care if other people are gawking at me. So I was overjoyed when my best friend, Tracey, bought me Just Dance 3 for the Wii for Christmas. Having basically no experience with pop music, I was worried that not knowing LMO from LMFAO would make it less fun for me, but the makers of this game somehow managed to find only tracks that would wedge wildly into my brain for days at a time. My immediate favourite was Nelly Furtado’s “Promiscuous”, because I’d actually heard it before and also used to love Nelly back when she wasn’t a slutty sell-out (nothing against slutty sell-outs): My next earworm came from Taio Cruz’s “Dynamite”. I had no idea who Taio Cruz is, but I was so pleased that his song talked about Galileo: I throw my hands up in the air sometimes Saying ayo Galileo “Now there’s a man who doesn’t care about alienating his uneducated fans,” I thought. And then I learned that he actually says, “Gotta let go.” But it was close enough for me. My other favourite song is now “Boom” by Reggaeton Storm, which is literally the last genre I would ever expect to get stuck in my head. And since it’s in Spanish, I sing ridiculous nonsensical lyrics to myself all day. Like: Boom Bop bop Can I get a b’rito? That’s right. I leave letters out of burrito in my head to make it fit. Kamran’s leaving for California at the end of this week to take the bar exam out there, so he’s been waking up with me in the mornings and studying while I play the game. And since he has a one-room apartment, it’s meant a lot of him sitting around and critiquing/mocking my performances as he lounges on his bed mere steps from me. But he gets the songs stuck in his head just as hard as I do, and I feel like that’s revenge enough. The funny thing is that the earworms only make me want to play the game more. I play in the mornings before work and then spend all day thinking about how I can’t wait to get home and play again. I can’t motivate myself to go to the gym unless Kamran’s threatening to put me in one of those 1950s-style vibrating belt machines that jiggles your fat off, but this game is so fun I actually look forward to it and want to keep playing long after my knickers are soaked with sweat and I need to go shower for work. I was concerned it was going to be too easy after playing the Xbox Kinect version, Dance Central, where the creepy Kinect camera watches your full body with its beady robot eyes. I figured I’d just move the one arm with the Wiimote in it and let the rest of my body hang limply if the Wiimote couldn’t sense it and judge me accordingly; I thought about playing the game sitting down. But it turns out that Just Dance is harder than Dance Central. Where Dance Central is repetitious, Just Dance throws an intricate move at you once and then goes right on to something else. Just Dance doesn’t have any differing difficulty levels, but you’ll find yourself making your own as you start dancing first with just the arm holding the Wiimote, then with both arms after you’ve played a song 150 times, then finally with your legs. All while looking like an octopus with epilepsy. Now I’m dying to try Just Dance 1 and 2 and am envisioning a future version where I get to choose my own songs from a list of a hundred and then receive my personalized game in eight to ten business days. The only thing I’m wishing for is a glove that I can strap the Wiimote into so I don’t have to hold onto it while I’m dancing; I’ve actually thought about buying Wii boxing gloves but wonder if that’s even weirder than holding on to the thing myself. But hey, if my biggest complaint about the game is that I want to get more into it, they’re doing something right. If this is the thing that gets me fit, it’s going to be sooooo hilarious.

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