Quiz: What Kind Of Artist Are You?

Let’s face it, art can be a confusing thing. And, if you’re new to making art – then it can be difficult to tell which kind of art you should make.

So, I thought that I’d start this month’s trove of articles with a handy quiz that will help you work out which kind of artist you are.

So, get a pen and paper handy – and let’s get started!

Question One: There is something lurking in the shadows, what is it?

A) The rozzers! Run!B) Three boxes of tennis balls and a pair of old trainers. They’re surprisingly expensive.C) A filthy hippie! See! It’s even written on his T-shirt!D) A puddle of vomit. But you already knew that, didn’t you?E) An unusually rotund cat, who is wearing a three-piece suit and smoking a cigar.F) You didn’t use black paint for those shadows, did you? Real artists don’t use black paint for anything. Ever.G) I don’t know, it probably isn’t a good idea to look.H) The hotel staff, trying to retrieve the smashed remains of a television.

Question Two: You’re putting on an exhibition, where do you do it?

A) London, because that’s where the rich people are.B) London, because that’s where the rich people are.C) An old manor house in the countryside. With a bouncer on the door to keep the riff-raff out.D) Magaluf, Ibiza or Faliraki. Or any British high street after midnight.E) Nowhere. Don’t you know how bad travelling is for the environment?F) Italy or France.G) What’s an exhibition?H) All over! I’m on a world tour, baby!

A) Faking it too.B) An uncultured, reactionary philistine!C) A pleb!D) Winning at beer pong.E) Nigel Farage!F) An oil painter!G) More interested in the cute guy on the next table.H) Interested in a long-term relationship!

Question Four: After your disastrous date, you decide to order a drink. What do you order?

A) A martini.B) Something that even the bartender hasn’t heard of before.C) A glass of whisky, after spending ten minutes telling a boring story to the bartender.D) Shots. Obviously.E) Nothing. You’ve already drunk more than the Government’s recommended consumption limits.F) A glass of wine.G) Whatever you’ve been drinking earlier.H) What do you mean I have to pay for it? Do you know who I am?

Question Five: Someone criticises your art, how do you react?

A) You refine your sales pitch and hope for better luck next time.B) You rewrite your artist’s statement and hope for better luck next time.C) You start gloating.D) You ignore them and keep drawing badly-drawn penises on their forehead in marker pen, whilst laughing loudly.E) You sternly tell your critics to check their privilege! And then write an outspoken Tumblr post about them.F) You let out a derisive snort of indignation and walk away.G) You react with puzzled incomprehension.H) You get to reply in an editorial column in a major newspaper.

Question Six: You’re listening to some music, what are you listening to?

A) Frank Sinatra.B) Why should I tell you? You’ve probably never even heard of them.C) Something from the seventies …or earlier.D) I dunno, but it’s easy to dance to.E) Nothing. All music is offensive … to someone, somewhere.F) Classical music.G) The same bands you listened to when you were a teenager.H) The support band. They aren’t as good as I am.

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If you answered mostly “A”: You Are A Con Artist– You enjoy tricks, scams and grifting. You don’t actually need to make any art – you just have to make sure that people think that the stuff you’re selling is art. Your clients are, inevitably, people with far more money than sense.
If you answered mostly “B”: You Are A Conceptual Artist– See above.

If you answered mostly “C”: You Are A Conservative Political Cartoonist– Your art may be badly-drawn and you may have to write explanatatory text on everything in your cartoons because your readers are not sufficiently evolved enough to understand basic symbolism, but that doesn’t matter. After all, you went to the same private school as the editor did – and those other cartoonists didn’t!

If you answered mostly “D”: You Are A Piss Artist– … and you’re taking the wrong quiz! I’ll tell you what, why don’t you turn this into a drinking game and take a shot every time the word “Question” appears?

If you answered mostly “E”: You Are A Liberal Political Cartoonist – Yes, you’re the kind of bold, free-thinking cartoonist who loves nothing more than “sticking it to the man” on a regular basis. Just as long as you don’t offend him. Or anyone else for that matter. Because that would be bad.

If you answered mostly “F”: You Are A Traditional Watercolour Painter– Yes, and a very traditional one at that!

If you answered mostly “G”: You Are Not An Artist– There’s hope for you yet! Get out while you still can!

If you answered mostly “H”: You Are A Musician– Goddamn it! Why do you people keep calling yourselves “artists”? You’re musicians!