Frustrated with my own Mother

Michelle - posted on 07/26/2012
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Maybe I'm being too sensitive but it bothers me that my Mother never asks if she can take my kids to do things. It's always like, "I want to take the kids to 'X' so I'll need your car." or "I'm taking the kids to do 'X' so can I borrow your car or what?". I'm never invited. I have to ask if I can go or if she want's it to just be her. I don't understand why she never says "Can I take the kids to do 'X'?". I'm confused by her whole "I-don't-give-a-flip-so-what" attitude. It comes across as rude to both me and my husband. I don't mind her doing things with my 3 kids without me but it depends on what they are doing because she lacks a sense of urgency when it comes to watching my 3 year old. I don't know whether to just get over it or take control of it and tell her that I'm coming. Any thoughts?

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Cassie - posted on 08/03/2012

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I think your mom still sees you as a child, you ask another adult (related or not) if you can take their child(ren) to do something, but if you were talking to your own adolecant, or teenage say about their dog, or anything that they view as their own, you would say, IM taking sparky to do this, I just really get the feeling that she still sees you as younger you and thinks its ok that she plays mom and tells you what she iw going to do with your kids, like you have no say in it, I would tell her no Im bringing MY kids to that fair, or (where ever) and hope she starts to get the idea.... Also I have a 3 year old, and I know you cant even blink and they can be off and running or getting into something, if you think shes too laxed with your toddler, for the safety of your child you need to tell her so, especially at that age, because they are constantly testing the limits, and even if they found the limit yesterday, doesnt mean they wont try to get away with it again today!!!! I may be way off base, but these are just my thoughts and the feeling I get

Have a mature adult conversation with her about how you are feeling about what she does. Tell her what bugs you and why and be sure to let her know just cause shes your mom doesnt mean to treat you like a kid, you are a mom too and you both need to be shown respect.

Tell her that they are your children and if she wants to see them or spend time with them that she has to ASK. Set boundaries with her. Let her know that until she shows respect for you (being their parent) that she will only be allowed supervised visits. And if she wants to take the kids anywhere that you will be present unless she specifically requests time alone with the kids. Be firm and unwavering.

I had this with my M.I.L. She once told me that she was taking my child on holiday, over xmas and that she was taking my S.I.L and her bf as babysitters. Erm, no. Sit her down and tell her that you find her rude and offensive when she does this. Ask her how hard it would be to ask first, make sure you didn't have plans etc. Then, make it known that if she doesn't ASK you, the answer will be flat-out no. It is nice that she wants to spend time with the children, but she has to respect you and your family. Barging in and telling you what is happening and when is unacceptable and you don't have to tolerate it. Put your foot down in a calm and controlled manner, tell her how it is going to be and stick to it. Good luck.

have you tried talking to her about it? her attitude kinda reminds me of a teenager. I'd try letting her know you really appreciate her taking the kids so you can have a break but would she mind asking instead of telling, and giving you a couple days notice so you don't plan anything? that way you can make sure the kids are ready to go for her! try not to sound like you're getting upset just make it simple. If you've tried that, next time, say no. Personally if I'd already tried that and not gotten through to her I'd tell her I expect the kids to use their manners, you need to as well. lol actually I've said the same to my MIL several times.

Hmm. Thanks ladies for the responses. Maybe my post was a little confusing. It bothers me that she doesn't "ask". She just tells me what she want's to do and expects me to giver her my car without any thought of asking if she can borrow my car or if it's ok with me that she takes the kids to do something. It's like she's doing it no matter what, doesn't care if I'm comfortable with what they are doing or how far away it's going to be or whether I might like to go. Doesn't care if it's inconvenient for me. She has her own car and an extra car seat. I would like her to ask me. They are my children, it is my vehicle and I would like some say. I am grateful that she want's to have time with the kids but she's kind-of rude about it.

Maybe she feels like you need a break occasionally. Or that you and your husband need some alone time. Noone will keep my kids or take them anywhere, not even if I ask normally. They aren't bad or hard to handle or anything either. The first time someone kept my son(who is 2) for me was when I went in the hospital to have my daughter this May. So from my point of view, I would look at it as a blessing that your mom is that involved with your children. If it really bothers you though, talk to her. she may have a totally different point of view about it, she might not even realize that she is lacking the sense of urgency with the 3 yr old. Hope everything works out! And God Bless!

My mom never takes my son anywhere alone, she doesn't watch him or take him period. Its always me and my son. Or my mom asks me to go grocery shopping but its gotta be without my son, then my dad has to be home to watch my son while me and my mom go food shopping, I buy the food for the household. I recently asked my mom if she could watch my son for a few hours so i could relax and actually see a movie but she said shes tired and it was her day off and she did nothing all day, i ended up doing laundry all day. I think its great your mom takes the kids places. But if it bugs you shes always taking them out alone just say hey im gonna join you guys. Just be polite about it. Maybe your mom likes the freedom of she can do whatever with them in her own way, who knows. I hope you feel better about it.