JOKES and PUNS and STORIES

Be the Life of the Party with these Funny, Outrageous Jokes and Puns and Stories at your next event, or in your next presentation.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Joke for Teachers
A third-grade teacher gave each of her students a roll of candy Life Savers. The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red...................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green................Lime
Orange ..............Orange
Finally the teacher gave each of them Honey Life Savers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Life Saver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're a**-holes! The teacher had to leave the room!

Joke for the Rest of Us
The hillbilly man and his new bride are on their honeymoon. The first night the hillbilly anxiously jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready for a little romance. His new bride comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin."
The man grabs his clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his father's house. When he gets there his father says "Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon."
The son, almost out of breath from his run to the house says, "Dad, my bride told me a big secret of hers. She's a virgin!"
"Damn, son. You did the right thing by leaving. If she wasn't good enough for her family, she sure as hell isn't good enough for ours!"

Monday, September 28, 2009

A Fairy Tale
Once upon a time there lived a king who had a beautiful daughter – the Princess.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what! - metal, wood, stone, anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, “If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.”
The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt could marry her and inherit the wealthy kingdom
Three young princes took up the challenge.
The first brought a sword of the finest steel. But alas, when the princess touched it, the sword melted.
The prince went away sadly.The second prince brought diamonds. He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world so they will not melt. But alas, once the Princess touched them, the diamonds melted.
He, too, was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.” The princess did as he asked although she blushed and her face turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!
The king was overjoyed. Everyone in the kingdom was overjoyed. So the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.Question: What was in the Prince’s pants?Why, M&Ms of course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. What were you thinking?

A Blonde Story
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already '"the startled husband asked.Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip."And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus!"

Friday, September 11, 2009

Fred and Mabel were both patients in a mental hospital. One day as they both walked beside the swimming pool, Mabel jumped into the deep end and sank to the bottom. Without a thought for his own safety, Fred jumped in after her, brought her to the surface, hauled her out, gave her CPR and saved her.

The next day happened to be Fred's annual review. He was brought before the hospital board, where the director told him, " Fred, I have some good news and some bad news: the good news is that in light of your heroic act yesterday we consider that you are sane and can be released from this institution back into society. The bad news is, I'm afraid, that Mabel, the patient you saved, shortly afterwards hung herself in the bathroom with the belt from her bathrobe. I'm sorry but she's dead.""She didn't hang herself," Fred replied, "I put her there to dry!"

An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other's values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other's company. After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decides to probe her soon-to-be husband a little.

"Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?""It's OK," he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life.""Well, then," she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?""So-so. I'm not rich, but I'm comfortable. You don't have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself."
The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her new boyfriend, "And how's your sex life....""Infrequently," he declares.
The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking... "And is that one word or two?"

Meanings of Movie Ratings:

G: Nobody gets the girl.PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.X: Everybody Gets The Girl.XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Funny medical definitions:Benign – what you be after you be eight.Artery – the study of paintings.Bacteria – back door to the cafeteria.Barium – what doctors do when patients die.Caesarean section – a neighborhood in Rome.Cauterize – caught her eye.Colic – a dog like Lassie.Coma – a punctuation mark.D&C – Where Washington is.Dilate – living a long time.Enema – not a friend.Fester – quicker than someone else.Fibula – a small lie.Genital – non-Jewish person.Hangnail – what you hang your coat on.Impotent - distinguished and well known.Labor pain – getting hurt at work.Medical staff – a doctor’s cane.Morbid – an offer higher than the one I bid.Nitrates – cheaper than day rates.Node – I knew it.Outpatient – a patient who has fainted.Pap smear – a fatherhood test.Post operative – the mailman.Rectum – darn near killed him.Secretion – hiding something.Tablet – a small table.Tumor – more than one.Urine – opposite of you’re out.Varicose – nearby.

Funny Legal Definitions:Affidavit –Davit is first in line. You’re second.Assault – usually paired with a pepperBribe – married to a GroomCaveat emptor – time to fill up the caveatContempt – offering candy to a prison inmateContract – acreage owned by a prisonerDefamation – advice from someone who is hearing impairedEx parte – My former husband is a party animal.Hung jury – Those guys are studs!Malpractice – what Mal, the doctor, doesMiranda warning – Stay off your porch!Misdemeanor – daughter of Mr. DemeanorMistrial – when you oversleep and are late to courtOath – what we feed the horseyOrder in the Court – See what the judge will have.Paralegals – two attorneysParole – the way your dad should actPlaintiff – not a fancy fightProbate – stuff that really catches fishPro bono – when you prefer Sonny over CherRescind – what you do when your first email doesn’t go throughRetainer – Hire her now!Statutes - created by artistsLike funny? You'll love weird! See my Hub at:http://hubpages.com/t/c2334

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along.When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?"The wife yells back to him, "Give him your underwear!”

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. “Is this your husband?” he asks nervously.“No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him.“Your boyfriend, then?” he continues.“No, not at all,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.“Is it your dad or your brother?” he inquires hoping to be reassured.“No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous,” she answers.“Well, who is the hell is he then?” he demands.“That’s me before the surgery!”

Saturday, July 18, 2009

All the waiters in the fancy restaurant we visited carried two spoons in their vest pocket. We were curious and asked a waiter why.He said, “An efficiency study determined that a spoon was the most frequently dropped silverware. So all the waiters carry two spoons to instantly replace that item.”We couldn’t help but notice that a short length of string was hanging out of the fly of his pants. So we asked about that.He said, “That’s another result of the efficiency study. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim, so we don’t have to stop to wash our hands.”We said, “It’s clear how you get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in your pants?”“Well,” said the waiter. “I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons.”

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, This bull mated 50 times last year. The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, “See, he mated 50 times last year --- almost once a week.”They walked by the second pen which had a sign attached that said, This bull mated 120 times last year. The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, “That’s more than twice a week. You could learn a lot from him.”They walked up to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, This bull mated 365 times last year. The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband’s ribs, said, “That’s one a day --- you could really learn something from this one.”The husband looked at her and said, “Go over and ask the bull if it was with the same cow.”Note: The husband’s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more operations, he should be OK.

About Me

Behavioral psychologist. Career includes corporate positions in banking, marketing, retail, government, organizational consulting. Now involved in motivational presentations, executive coaching, travel, writing & blogging but not necessarily in that order.
Author, "Much of What You Know about Job Search Just Ain't So