Principles for Relationships from God's Word by Claudio Consuegra

Not carrots and sticks – 1

It’s a school of hard knocks for those who leave God’s path, a dead-end street for those who hate God’s rules. Proverbs 15:10 (MSG)

Dr. Justin Coulson[i], the author of What Your Child Needs From You: Creating a Connected Family, writes that we often try to motivate teens with rewards and punishment—but there are a lot of problems with that approach. What motivates a teenager is fun stuff such as friends, music, friends, electronic devices and social media, friends, sleeping in, and, yes, friends. On the other hand, we know what doesn’t motivate a teenager…anything boring such as cleaning up, studying, practicing musical instruments, exercising, etc.

The most often used approach to discipling kids is with carrots or sticks, that is, with rewards or punishment. For instance, if the kids haven’t done their chores, they don’t get their electronic devices. If they have done their chores, they get pocket money (and devices, etc.). In theory, this could work just fine. But parents struggle every day to put it into practice.

Coulson suggests that rewarding and punishing children based on their actions can send the message that our love is conditional. Taking ideas from Alfie Kohn’s book Punished by Rewards, Couldson explains some possible other problems with the carrot-and-stick approach:

The promise of a reward is also a promise of a punishment. As he explains, “Implicit in every promise of a privilege is the threat that the privilege or reward can be taken away.

Using rewards and punishments is bad for your relationship. Because children often perceive that rewards mean approval, and approval means love, we may be sending them the message that our love is conditional.

It ignores reasons! When we use this method we fail to recognize the reasons why our child may not be motivated.

Intrinsic motivation is undermined. When children are motivated for the reward, or to avoid the punishment, they’ll put in the smallest amount of effort possible, and as they put in less effort and become even less motivated, the rewards have to increase. (will continue)