That's what high-ranking Scientologists reportedly told Nazanin Boniadi when they initially approached her about auditioning to date Tom Cruise. Great point, honchos. I know I can't sleep at night knowing that a rich and famous movie star doesn't have a fake girlfriend to snuggle.
The screwball rom-com unfolded thuswise:

"She arrived to find the high-ranking Greg Wilhere, who, according to a knowledgeable source, told her she had been selected for a very hush-hush mission that would entail meeting dignitaries around the world," the article states.

"He added that if she succeeded she would be helping to make the world a better place."

Nazanin began the long process of being vetted, which included a complete makeover, daily audits and the signing of confidentiality agreements.

A month later, Nazanin was flown to New York City with Greg where they took up at the Parker Meridien before a visit to Scientology's New York center.

"Wilhere took her to the deserted second floor, and while she was facing away from the entrance, she heard a voice say, 'Holy sh*t. Greg Wilhere, what are you doing here?'" the article reads.

Someone named Adrienne Maloof—who is totally outside my wheelhouse when it comes to celebrities, but I respect you guys and your choices—is claiming that estranged husband Paul Nassif is a gun-toting madman who's a danger to herself and their children:

She cites an incident last month in which she claims Paul was drinking while operating a Kayak and one of the kids who was in the watercraft fell into the water.

She also claims 3 years ago he lost one of their kids for 45 minutes in the wilderness during a camping trip, because he failed to supervise him.

And recently there was a fire across the street and she claims he did nothing to help the kids evacuate.

Maloof also says Nassif carries a gun, which he often leaves in reach of the children. Sounds like a gem. [TMZ]

Josh Lucas TOTALLY BODY-SHAMED his new baybay:

I'm still dealing with a blob," he says. "I'm still dealing with something that's just now beginning to communicate through smiling and through these magical little moments that happen only briefly through the day."

..."My child, so far, is remarkably unphotogenic," he says with a laugh. "It's quite weird. He's a great looking kid, but [in] every photograph he just looks like this bizarre baby!"

Typical Hollywood baby-snarking bullshit. In protest, I'm only going to watch Sweet Home Alabama on half-speed in my candle-lit apartment four times this month instead of six. [People]

Rapper The Game rescued an injured cyclist while on the way home from his L.A. studio:

His rep confirms to E! News that Game was driving home from his studio and saw a man lying facedown in the street, pinned down by his bike.

After seeing the injured man, Game pulled over to help him and called 911. He stayed with the downed biker until the paramedics were able to arrive.

I don't have a joke for this. Should I have a joke for this? Just seems nice. [E!]

George Clooney's ex-girlfriend sounds terrible, but she does it in an adorably foreign way: "If I see that my boyfriend receives messages I turn the other way, because if I rummage through the eyes of suspicion, I always find something. And then, when I'm jealous I become aggressive, a fury." A fury!!! Do you hear?!? [Radar]

Nicole Richie and Kim Kardashian wore dresses that were kind of similar and WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS? DON'T WE HAVE PARENTS WE COULD CALL OR BLEMISHES WE COULD PICK??? [E!]

Here is a "news story" about things that people are not doing. Wand Erection is not currently recording with Justin Bieber. In other news, Rosie O'Donnell is not currently LARPing in a canyon with the ghost of Ronald Reagan. Just thought you guys needed to know. [E!]

Loins enflamed by democracy, Scarlett Johansson and Charles Manson held hands at the DNC. [E!]

Billionaire casino mogul Steve Wynn has fired back at Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis's allegations, calling them, "the ravings of a miserable vicious assassin, a liar who just didn't want to pay his debt and decided to make up a story about a guy who he never set his eyes on or ever met. Me." (In case you missed it, Francis has accused Wynn of threatening to assassinate him and bury him in the desert for not paying his gambling debts. Also Quincy Jones is involved. It's awesome.) Wynn is seeking $12 million for defamation and—awwww—plans to donate his winnings to battered women and wounded soldiers. N-KAY, GUYS! Just never stop yelling at each other! [TMZ]