My Journey of Self Discovery as a Trans Man

I remember being a kid. A little kid who thought he was a boy. Well he is. But some people are born in their own body, others have to fight for it.

I remember wearing all boys clothes and being happy whenever someone used male pronouns for me. Though I got the term when I was sixteen… now I get that I knew it all along. I just didn’t know the term. Because well, there was no representation.

When puberty hit me, I was devastated. I didn’t want it. I wanted a different kind of it though.

My family forced me to grow my hair. Wear different clothes. As a kid who had always had anxiety and depression, I don’t remember being happy till I discovered who I’m.

But there was a person who was always there for me since I was eight. Always. She even told me she thought I was trans and would help me accept it.. But Me being in deep denial kept saying no. Even though deep down I was happy someone understood me. I was scared that others won’t.

She was my real best friend. And yes, I loved her. But you know when I came to know she loved me too? When it was too late. When she was dead.

But well she tried to protect me even while dying… she cut contacts with me. I was sad and angry and heartbroken. But when I came to know that she had died, after six months of her death, I broke down. I went to her room sat there and cried for hours.

I lost all hope. I thought no one would ever accept me.

I started partying and being high all the time in clothes I didn’t wanna wear with the name I didn’t wanna hear. It was like I didn’t exist and it took away every bit of self love from me.

In 2015, I met this girl on Ok!Cupid. I didn’t ever think she’d become such an important part of my life. We were besties for a year. Then we fell in love. It is beautiful. I’m still with her.

I got some hope back because of the person she was. She truly loved me for me. And I wasn’t used to that.

In December 2016 I got it. I got all of it. I got it. I got the term and I remember thinking how could I be so dumb and so deep in denial. But then I started being scared. I told my best friend Avantika. I was scared she won’t be with me but instead she helped me more.

It’s been terrifyingly beautiful, this journey of discovering myself. I went through so many lanes till I found the house that fits me perfectly. The house which is finally home for me.

I’m a transman and I couldn’t be more proud.

Thanks to my best friend. All the friends who knew. And all the friends who didn’t know; I know you’ll be there for me now that you know.

It’s really important for me. It’s my whole life. It’s a huge part of my life. So I put it here.. infront of all of you.

Trans or not, a person will always be what they are. I’m still me. I’m still the person you talk to everyday. I just found myself. And I’m finally comfortable.

17 years of living but not really living ends here. The rest of my life is gonna be the best of my life; I know that. Despite of all the difficulties that come, I’ll still be happy cause I’ll be me.

My family? I came out to them. They’ve been amazingly supportive and are constantly making efforts to understand more about it. I love them.