Banned

Maybe you should find support down this path then? People can say what they want, but if it makes you feel better about yourself, then why not? Besides, there is no enviroment that is more free of people judging you and that will give honest support.

Member

I kinda know how you feel... went through a few similar experiences, have anxiety issues, but what you went through sounds horrible.

I will tell you that things won't just magically get better until you fix some of the underlying psychological problems... I've spent so much of my life running away and shutting down that even when I'm doing well and in a good situation I'll sabotage it. Failing out of the single fucking class I'm taking this semester. It sucks.

You need help and if your friends say you're burdening them then you need some better fucking friends... don't worry about bothering us GAFers...

Banned

wait, the premise of your thread is "how do I not hate myself?" and the only reasonable responses are positive actions/attitude, yet you say you do not want to hear any of those suggestions/pursue those avenues. so why make the thread?

you need to be willing to take a first step rather than just shoot down everyone's ideas. what are you able to commit to?"

Member

Maybe you should find support down this path then? People can say what they want, but if it makes you feel better about yourself, then why not? Besides, there is no enviroment that is more free of people judging you and that will give honest support.

I agree with this, since it could probably help you quite a bit. If it brings you hope in what may seem like a hopeless situation, it's worth holding onto. A good church and its community could help you if you look for it there.

Just keep in mind that you always have options, and there will always be people willing to help you if you want to be helped. This thread's response, for the most part, is a testament to that; and your making this thread shows that you have it in yourself to do what you must to pull out of this. You are, as cliché as it may sound, worth it. No abusive family will change that.

Banned

I think the guy's problems are more important right now than you advocating atheism in this thread. I'm a hard-line atheist btw, but sometimes you need to put down the juice.

To the OP - you need professional help, but you are also unable to actively seek it, which is kinda understandable. Can you talk to your father about it, see if he can get you into some groups, etc.? Maybe if you open to him things will be easier, plus he can protect you from your cunt-of-a-mom.

Member

i don't know if it's all going to be ok, i mean we all carry some shit around with us, and you more than most others by the sounds of things.

But there are a bunch of nice things around you, being happy doesn't work on a scale, if i couldn't take in happiness in small doses i don't really know what i would have done with myself tbh.

and shit, i know nothing of psychology and stuff, and i don't know nearly enough about your condition('s?) so won't say anything there. But try to hang in there i guess, life is shit sometimes, but there are people out there who really care for you and want to see you through this.

and yeah life can be shit, but life is also pretty fucking amazing in the greater scheme of things. Wanna give you a hug and hang out with you, sounds like you're a pretty strong and awesome dude to have gotten through what you have so far.

Banned

I think the guy's problems are more important right now than you advocating atheism in this thread. I'm a hard-line atheist btw, but sometimes you need to put down the juice.

To the OP - you need professional help, but you are also unable to actively seek it, which is kinda understandable. Can you talk to your father about it, see if he can get you into some groups, etc.? Maybe if you open to him things will be easier, plus he can protect you from your cunt-of-a-mom.

Banned

Kinda out of left field OP, but whilst I was in my shower right now, I thought perhaps you need to do some kind of hard work - the kind of manual labour that leaves you aching at the end of the day and doesn't leave much time for reflection.

Even fruit picking or some crap like that - get away from people, do something productive and enjoy some exercise and the outdoors. Dunno, just an idea. You don't seem to be tied to much right now so some kind of semi-nomadic existence might appeal and get you away from people you feel you're tied to, which you seem to resent.

I don't really have any psychological advice - just something in terms of a lifestyle change. Good luck man.

This is precisely why you should have a therapist. Your friends are not your therapists. Friends don't want to have heavy discussions about depression with you all of the time. Therapists do (they get paid for it), and will actually be able to give you pertinent advice instead of "Yeah, man. That sucks."

It seems like you still believe too much of the bullshit that was engraved in your head by your abusive family growing up.

1. Fake feeling "normal" enough to get a job (something low-stress and with minimal social interactions / actual responsibility. I highly recommend a backroom stocking / sorting position at a retail store.) If you start feeling a panic attack coming on, just walk outside until you cool down. Tell them you have the shits or something so they don't ask tons of questions.
2. Save the money you get, and get a therapist and real medication. (Not all medication is bad, you truly sound like you are in need of some real anti-depressants. Not every therapist is the asshole your mother made them out to be, or the genuine asshole you experienced first hand. A good therapist will be the key for your recovery.)
3. You haven't mentioned it, but don't drink alcohol. Drinking when you're bi-polar may blur some of the pain, but at the price of intensifying it later. Not to mention it fucks with any medication you may be taking.
4. If things start turning around for you, get a tiny apartment where you can experience real freedom. Your father sounds like he would welcome you back if living on your own is too stressful, so it is low risk.

It's a very slow and methodical process. You can't change or fix everything at once, you have to take small steps.

That said, you need real medication and a real, good therapist ASAP. Being in your current state of mind will cause you to make poor decisions, and it will only make you get worse and worse. Even if you think none of my advice will help, force yourself to do it anyways. All of it.

There ain't a person in the world who hasn't fantasized about wringing the neck of a particularly annoying classmate or family member. Your criminal fantasies are rarer but no more morally blameworthy. We are our decisions, not our internal mental stimuli. Hat matters is what you do with this, not that it exists.

This is probably a lower burn priority, but one you've got some of the rest of the problems in order, I think you might find checking out your local BDSM community interesting. You can find a wealth of people there who know how to navigate this terrain in a safe, sane, and moral way. Fetlife.com would definitely be the place to start.

Member

Depression is anger turned inward. Suicide is the extreme version of that. You need an outlet and you need people who will accommodate your needs and also listen and work with you. Its not your fault and you didn't deserve it. You can get out of it without physically harming yourself or others. There's a book out there somewhere I forget the name, where a woman was in and out of mental institutions and lots of drug use and she turned her life around. I should look it up.

Member

I didn't write all this for pity, I don't want to be told sorry, I just want to know... how do I live with this? My life so far has been so intensely miserable, I have spent most of my life in situations I couldn't control, being made fun of, being betrayed, being hurt, by people I loved. How do I not just feel like death all day?

You are an adult now, and the only person in control of your life is you.

Start thinking positive, and positivity will come into your life as long as you combine your positive thinking with hard work. Figure out what you want to do for a career, put in the work to make it happen and enjoy life.

People have come out of far worse situations and pasts than you and have become very successful and happy people. If you convince yourself you can do it (which you obviously can, because literally anyone can once they get past their own silly psychological barriers) then the only thing left is the hard work part. So yeah... snap out of it. Seriously, slap yourself in the face and spash a bucket of cold water over your head and get to work.

relies on auto-aim

I didn't write all this for pity, I don't want to be told sorry, I just want to know... how do I live with this? My life so far has been so intensely miserable, I have spent most of my life in situations I couldn't control, being made fun of, being betrayed, being hurt, by people I loved. How do I not just feel like death all day?

Member

You are an adult now, and the only person in control of your life is you.

Start thinking positive, and positivity will come into your life as long as you combine your positive thinking with hard work. Figure out what you want to do for a career, put in the work to make it happen and enjoy life.

People have come out of far worse situations and pasts than you and have become very successful and happy people. If you convince yourself you can do it (which you obviously can, because literally anyone can once the get past their own silly psychological barriers) then the only thing left is the hard work part. So yeah... snap out of it. Seriously, slap yourself in the face and spash a bucked of cold water over your head and get to work.

Although I partially agree ('think positive' may be one of the most powerful things to turn your life around) , this is way easier said than done of course. Your mental problems won't be solved and memories of your past will still be a sort of burden you have to live with, and I don't think positive thinking will teach you how to live with that burden.

Member

Although I partially agree ('think positive' may be one of the most powerful things to turn your life around) , this is way easier said than done of course. Your mental problems won't be solved and memories of your past will still be a sort of burden you have to live with, and I don't think positive thinking will teach you how to live with that burden.

Everything is moe to me

well, i think you should cut off contact with your mother and stress an independent and college oriented lifestyle moving forward.

my 'stay out of my life' to my mother bummed me out for about a day and now i'm quite happy not thinking about it anymore, and i didn't have 1/35th the parent problems you did

independence from your father, even if the relationship is amiable, should also be a goal imo. It shouldn't be rushed to or taken lightly however, i myself found myself homeless once so i can appreciate why you shouldn't put yourself in a situation where that might be even remotely possible.

it took me over a year and a whole lot of pony to pull myself back on my feet and out of depression following my split from my family and my homelessness, its not a good scene and not something worth risking.

I'm very glad to hear about that job opportunity coming up, finding work can be a very stabilizing force in a turbulent situation, it really does help you feel in control of your life and capable of moving forward. i really do hope you get the job and that it is a welcoming work environment; that will do wonders for you.

PS: friends becoming distant, GAF your only friend? been there, i was able to rebuild some bridges with my friends and siblings, but dont feel that GAF cannot be a source of good relationships. the community here is great, hell there's a good 5 starcraft gaffers around toronto who I've now met with multiple times and we plan to get together again. Mcrae moved me out of a homeless shelter, bufbaf gave me a loan to fix my laptop, etc. these were acts of kindness i'm not sure ill ever be able to truly repay, the friendships you have and will foster here are not 'less real' unless you want to treat them that way.

Member

Not everyone here can truly say "I know how you feel" but you NEED to understand that alot of people out there have gone through or have felt at some point in their life EXACTLY like you do now.

I'm not trying to be rude, but wake up man, take control of your emotions.

I was in a similar spot at one point in my life, probably around the same age as you are now actually, which was 7 years ago for me.

In any event you can change for the better, it might not be easy and it might require alot of mental toughness, BUT YOU CAN DO IT.

Pull your socks up, stare this unfair world in the face, and say "I dont care what you throw at me, I am going to live life with a smile on my face."
As I said things arent going to change overnight, neither in a week, nor a month, possibly not in a year, and it will take a long time for you to overcome your negative thoughts and to start to think positively.

I think your at a crucial point in your life, same point almost everyone goes through, where you transition from childhood stresses to adult life stresses.

At one point you probably weren't all that concerned about a career, or quality of living. I mean you probably were, but not in the sense that you view it now. Now you have the added stress of figuring out what you are going to do with your life, how your going to pay all the bills, how secure your job is, is your wife banging the plumber (ok that last one I made up) but you get the point.

Man you just gotta start thinking positive, I know its challenging to do that right now, but fuck man Diablo 3 is coming out in a couple weeks, it's spring right now before long it will be warm sunny summer, even small things in day to day life if looked at in the right way cause have an immense positive impact on your thinking.

Just chill man, you have a long life ahead of you, take it one day at a time, enjoy the things you got (like the internet) and work towards a better tommorrow.

One. Day. At. A. Time.

Also at least it sounds like your family is trying to be supportative in their own way for you.

My parents divorced when I was really young, I never remember them together even. My whole upbringing was around them trying to fuck each other over in any aspect possible for as long as I can remember. I would visit my dad and he would be calling my mother a bitch and a slut and etc... and then I would go home (as like a 7 year old) and my mother would be calling my dad a bastard, jerk, lier, asshole etc... Sounds stupid, but when your under 10 years old and your parents basically want to kill each other, this can have a profound impact on your wellbeing. My mother remarried (to a man who physically abused me) and had a child with her new husband, and as soon as I turned 18 (as in the same week as my birthday) she came downstairs to my bedroom packed all my clothes in black garbage bags and threw them onto the back lawn, then her husband proceeded to pick me up and carry me to the door and toss me in the snow bank.
They didnt want to be financially responsible for me anymore.
I went to my father for help, and guess what, he didnt want to be financially responsible for me anymore too.
I was 18 now, and by law they were no longer responsible for me, it felt like they were just waiting for that day my whole life, it crushed me.

I lived the next 3 months in my car with no money to go to school, get an apartment, or barely eat. I had friends throwing me 20 here and 20 there, but I was desperate, I quickly racked my credit card debt up just trying to survive until I found a job (which had a very negative impact on my life for seven years do to not being able to make payments), I lived in my car in that jobs parking lot for the next month until I could save up enough for a damage deposit to get a place to live.

I began to rebuild my life slowly.

Fast forward to now, I still havent talked to either of my parents in 10 years, but I own my own house, I just bought a new truck last summer, I'm engaged to be married to a wonderful girl.

You just gotta work at it man, it took me 10 years to get out of my slump, and trust me I wanted nothing more than to just be dead multiple times over these last 10 or so years. It takes time, but if you put your mind to it, you can do wonders.

PM if you wanna talk man, we can take this discussion further outside of the thread for privacy issues (I didn't mind sharind my story, but if you wanna dive deeper I would like to go private, I have alot more to tell and it sounds like you do too, sometimes just having someone to talk to can help)

Banned

Your sad avatar makes this thread just that much sadder. Hope you can get past the pain. Any music help? Or writing down your own thoughts and feelings? There's nothing you can do to change the past so I know it may be tough but try to move on in any way possible which means as others have said cutting ties with the past(your mom and others who have caused you pain).

Member

You are an adult now, and the only person in control of your life is you.

Start thinking positive, and positivity will come into your life as long as you combine your positive thinking with hard work. Figure out what you want to do for a career, put in the work to make it happen and enjoy life.

People have come out of far worse situations and pasts than you and have become very successful and happy people. If you convince yourself you can do it (which you obviously can, because literally anyone can once they get past their own silly psychological barriers) then the only thing left is the hard work part. So yeah... snap out of it. Seriously, slap yourself in the face and spash a bucket of cold water over your head and get to work.

This is going to sound rude, but my first response to this was 'fuck off'.

When it comes to depression and other forms of mental illness, there's no 'snap out of it'. It's not a matter of 'hey -- I know the cure for your depression. All you have to do is start smiling and thinking happy thoughts!'. If it were that simple then people wouldn't be depressed.

The whole point of depression is that you can't snap out of it. When that happens, people need help from others.

I don't know much about Maryland's laws, but there are services in most states that will help out people in crises who are uninsured. ValueOptions seems to be like that. If you are feeling suicidal, and don't have a support network YOU have to be pro-active. I suffer from depression as well, but my story is mild compared to yours. I wish I had more profound advice for you, and maybe you've already pursued it. I hope you can find your way through this...

Member

This is going to sound rude, but my first response to this was 'fuck off'.

When it comes to depression and other forms of mental illness, there's no 'snap out of it'. It's not a matter of 'hey -- I know the cure for your depression. All you have to do is start smiling and thinking happy thoughts!'. If it were that simple then people wouldn't be depressed.

The whole point of depression is that you can't snap out of it. When that happens, people need help from others.

Agreed 100%. LowEndTorque, you haven't been beaten abused and in and out of institutions. Takes a little more solid advice and guidance there man, not that your advice isn't useful, but you aren't even playing the same game. And even if you were everyone takes it differently and the situation might have one thing that takes them a lot deeper. The perception of reality is distorted and his reality itself is tough enough. Your advice to a depressed person is looked at with rage or more depression. Rest assured people don't want to be in that place.

Member

Sadsic you can contact me too. My story was very different from Gritesh and yours but similar insanity. Pure chaos. I'm not where Gritesh is but somewhere in the middle. Feel free to PM me also, I covered a pretty wide range. After years and years of crap, my bottom was in January and I'm around 50% better now and only moving forward now!

Banned

If this is genuine, you should seek out professional counseling and therapy, because internet strangers aren't going to have the training to give you the help you need. There are likely groups/organizations in your area, and if you use the internet you should be able to find the closest ones. You should get off the internet and get the psychological help and networking that you need in real life, because online "help" is a pale substitute for the real thing. Your story is very tragic and you shouldn't suffer needlessly for it.

Member

Some great advice in here. OP, I know you are feeling like shit now but can you tell us what you do enjoy in life. There must be something you like to do, we might be able to help you focus on that to get your mind off things at least temporarily.

Hey man, you have nothing to feel ashamed about. It sounds like you have spent most of your life being abused by those who should be taking care of you.

You are not the problem, those other people are.

All I can say is you've been through a lot and you're still here. It sounds like you are gradually extricating yourself from those abusive people so it seems to me like things are looking up.

None of this is a waste of time at all, writing can be very therapeutic and it seems like there are many people here who are genuinely interested in you, what you have to say, and want to help you. It is better to share than keep these things bottled up.

Member

just to clarify... i was in a deeply self-destructive mood last nite and didnt really need to tell the internet all this; ive been on an upward trajectory in my life for the past year, but i had a relapse when i tried to go back to college last semester, and lost my job, car, girlfriend, and nearly life.

i was in and out of hospitals throughout last winter and after basically being turned away multiple times i ended up getting free services from a place an hour or so from my house; i am getting meds and possssssibly therapy for free right now, and hopefully that helps me... i tried so hard to get on with my life last year, and i could not shake the high amount of depression/anxiety whatsoever no matter what i could do... im really not sure how i remove it from my life, but i am just gonna try and continue living until i cant for now

Member

just to clarify... i was in a deeply self-destructive mood last nite and didnt really need to tell the internet all this; ive been on an upward trajectory in my life for the past year, but i had a relapse when i tried to go back to college last semester, and lost my job, car, girlfriend, and nearly life.

i was in and out of hospitals throughout last winter and after basically being turned away multiple times i ended up getting free services from a place an hour or so from my house; i am getting meds and possssssibly therapy for free right now, and hopefully that helps me... i tried so hard to get on with my life last year, and i could not shake the high amount of depression/anxiety whatsoever no matter what i could do... im really not sure how i remove it from my life, but i am just gonna try and continue living until i cant for now

Don't feel bad for sharing, nobody will think any lesser of you for doing so. It is better to share, get things off your chest, and get help and support than to keep it all inside where thoughts can compound and become even more self-destructive.

Member

Just wanted to chime in and say regardless of what you say or do, I hope you are soon able to manage your bipolar disorder and end up finding something that makes you happy. Don't procrastinate about finding medical help, even if it's difficult. An actual therapist will be able to work with you much more comprehensively than internet strangers can.

Member

This is going to sound rude, but my first response to this was 'fuck off'.

When it comes to depression and other forms of mental illness, there's no 'snap out of it'. It's not a matter of 'hey -- I know the cure for your depression. All you have to do is start smiling and thinking happy thoughts!'. If it were that simple then people wouldn't be depressed.

The whole point of depression is that you can't snap out of it. When that happens, people need help from others.

OP's depression seems to be strongly tied to his current situation and circumstances (unemployment, homelessness, lack of solid direction and goals in life, etc.)

If that's the case, then meds and/or therapy alone isn't really going to solve his problems, at least not in the long term anyways. OP needs to put in the work to try and pull himself out of his shitty situation, set some goals and start working at them.

Nobody implied that he shouldn't seek help, only that he needs to get motivated, set some serious goals, and start working at them.

And, sheesh.... he asked for our honest opinions and not our sympathy and that's exactly what he's getting. Not everyone has gone through the experience of depression or bi-polarism so we can only opinionate based on what we know. I may not know much about this shit but my comment was nothing more than a few words of encouragement to try and help him get motivated. I basically told him the exact same thing that I would have told any of my friends if they were going through the same thing. I don't understand why some gaffers get so indignant about the littlest things

Member

After reading that your friends have a hard time talking to you it makes me want to ask the question of: Do they know your past? Because if they do not then you really should see about opening up to them.

I went to a mental hospital for depression and suicidal thoughts although I did it my first time ever feeling depressed as I knew something was wrong, and had never felt like I did the day that it happened. I got the help I needed and then it also took work on my part (talking to friends, family, people in general). I had to stay away from negative things for awhile and take a break from life basically. It helps also to examine your life and start positive self-talk. The things that have happened to you are not your fault by any means, this is the first thing you need to realize. NOTHING IS YOUR FAULT. Then again I have pulled out of it and now feel great, this will not be the case for anybody else as everybody is different, but I am just telling you my experience.

Do not ruminate or withdraw either, talk to people, go out and just sit in a busy place. I know that it may sound stupid, but it helps.

I also suggest seeking free psychological help (therapist) go on google and look up free groups/therapist. There is always help available, no matter how bleak it may look there is always help.

OP's depression seems to be strongly tied to his current situation and circumstances (unemployment, homelessness, lack of solid direction and goals in life, etc.)

If that's the case, then meds and/or therapy alone isn't really going to solve his problems, at least not in the long term anyways. OP needs to put in the work to try and pull himself out of his shitty situation, set some goals and start working at them.

Nobody implied that he shouldn't seek help, only that he needs to get motivated, set some serious goals, and start working at them instead of wallowing.

And, sheesh.... he asked for our honest opinions and not our sympathy and that's exactly what he's getting. Not everyone has gone through the experience of depression or bi-polarism so we can only opinionate based on what we know. I may not know much about this shit but my comment was nothing more than a few words of encouragement to try and help him get motivated. I basically told him the exact same thing that I would have told any of my friends if they were going through the same thing. I don't understand why some gaffers get so indignant about the littlest things

Problem is that you cannot turn off depression, setting goals and getting motivated come after the psychological help. I agree with you that meds will not work for all people, they did not help me in my case at all, but therapy most likely will help. I found talking about it helped more then any other method. This is all just for me though, some people are different so it is not the case for all.