I am the worst

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Mamalovesmusic wrote:

Okay mammas need some help here. I am not ordinarily a jealous person and don’t like the feelings I am experiencing today. My SO and I have been trying to have children for the last five and a half years. We have had seven losses and are happily and rather excitedly 15 weeks pregnant with our rainbow baby. Throughout the many unsuccessful pregnancies we have had some hurtful things said to us by one of my younger siblings. We were not able to celebrate our engagement because it was too close to their wedding ( 6 weeks before how dare we steal their spotlight ), then when we did get pregnant we we told at least they will do things in the right order and not have a *** child. After they were married ( middle of last year ) all we have heard is how much they want a child and how hard and devastated they are each month when her period arrives. Seven months of trying and the conversation is non stop. Like we don’t know. Like our five and a half years and everything we have been through is nothing. Wouldn’t it be so great if we were pregnant together was the chorus cry during every single one of these conversations. Today I found out that I have to keep the biggest secret, they are seven weeks pregnant, and whilst I am truely happy for them, I feel annoyed and jealous and wish that just for once I didn’t have to take a back seat to everybody else’s news. I feel so utterly ashamed and disgusted at myself for feeling this way. How can I mend my wounded heart? I am truely excited for them and know that they wanted this so much. Is it just that I would have liked a little more time to celebrate our miracle now and then after the birth before cousins arrive? I am a horrible person and hate myself for feeling this way. Advice???

If she has asked you to keep her pregnancy a secret, then please keep it a secret. You wouldn’t want anyone sharing your news before you were ready. That said, don’t let your sibling dictate your actions in regards to your pregnancy or other life milestones. You announce, celebrate, etc when YOU want to. As you’re weeks ahead of your sibling you’ll give birth first and you will get the spotlight for a few weeks. You can only control your own actions, not anyone else’s. Celebrate yours but keep hers a secret until she’s ready. If she gets upset at you for celebrating that’s her issues not yours. There are a gazillion stars in the universe and they all shine. No reason why you can’t shine about your joys. Doesn’t take away from her joys and her shine.

Also, it’s okay to feel everything you’re feeling. It’s your actions that you can control. But never feel guilty about being honest with yourself about how you feel.

thank you. I would NEVER ruin their surprise by announcing their pregnancy. NEVER!!!! That is their wonderful news to share and see and receive all those beautiful reactions from the people they love and whom care about them. I may be feeling things I do not like but I am not and never would be that person.

I also know I am being ridiculous and hate that I feel this way. I am embarrassed to admit that I feel this way. Maybe I should have just kept it to myself. Thank you though for your kind words.

Definitely worth posting and maybe hearing from others for help. Don’t be worried about that. Might be good to also talk to a therapist. Sounds like you’re being honest about your feelings. Which is more than a lot of people are able to do. Maybe a therapist can just help put things in better perspectives.

Totally valid with your feelings and I wouldn’t hold back on telling her or your mom (depending on your relationship) how you feel. It would be nice to have a family member in your corner, lifting you up.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling the way you’re feeling, especially because you know that you should (and will) be happy for her. I admit to lots of ugly thoughts when my bil&sil announced their pregnancy — they always struck me as attention hogs, and so it especially irked me that they were due a month before my wedding. Fast forward, their daughter is almost three, mine is almost two, and they’re best friends (her name is the first “name” my daughter has learned to say!), and I commiserate with both adults about the perils of parenting regularly (Bil is a sahd so we can relate just as much as I do with my sil). It will all work out in the end, so allow yourself to feel your ugly feelings now so you can work through them.

You had the longer struggle to get preggars and your baby will be born first so, if anything, I think their news takes the backseat to yours. Not to feed any spitefulness, but maybe thinking of it differently in your own mind will reduce your negative feelings about it. Imagine if, instead, you told her you were preg 8 weeks along and her response was “omg what are the chances - we’re 9 weeks along!” Yours coming sooner is better in this case. And her preg is overshadowed by yours, not the other way around. Not in a mean way; in a factual way. So position it that way in your brain and when you think about their preg, try to feel a little sorry for them that the focus will be more on your babe than theirs. Might help you out.