Cook, longtime ESPN college football analyst, dies

Beano Cook, a longtime college football analyst for ESPN, has died. He was 81.

Cook usually appeared on ESPN via satellite from his hometown of Pittsburgh. One segment, which appears often on the network’s blooper reels, featured Cook yelling into the camera, “He can’t hear me. He doesn’t hear me!”

He also uncorked a quip that even baseball fans had laugh at. When then-commissioner Bowie Kuhn offered lifetime passes to the Iran hostages after they were freed in 1981, Cook said, “Haven’t they suffered enough?”

Some other memorable Cook one-liners, courtesy ESPN:

“I’d like to do the last scoreboard show and then go. I don’t want to die in the middle of the football season. I have to know who’s No. 1 in the last polls.” (1988)

“The three things that mean the most to me in life are my parents, Casablanca and college football — not necessarily in that order.” (1987)

“You only have to bat a thousand in two things — flying and heart transplants. Everything else you can go 4-for-5.” (1988)

“You’ll never have a 16-team playoff in college football. The most that could happen would be four teams in the next century. But after that, I’m dead, so who cares?” (1992)

“Colleges spend more money on the promotion of the Heisman than the Pentagon spends on toilets.” (1990)

“Argentina invaded the Falklands because they had ESPN, and the Argentines wanted to get the late scores.” (1986)

“ESPN is like your family, it’s always there. The networks are like your mother-in-law. They are there on the weekends.” (1988)

“When they list the great things of the 20th century, they’ll say, penicillin, Sophia Loren, jet travel and ESPN.” (1992)

Known for his fear of flying, he would often point out that the first word you see at an airport is “terminal.”