Rumors of Nicolas Cage appearing in The Expendables 3 revealed to be nothing but a vast foreign conspiracy

Just as America was feeling reborn through the exercising of its democratic rights, news came down today reminding us of the many foreign enemies we face—foreign enemies who will not be mowed down with machine gun fire by Nicolas Cage, as he will not be appearing in The Expendables 3, as previously reported. There are also, of course, the foreign enemies who launched this nuclear rumor in the first place, beginning with the intercepted, garbled transmission of an interview conducted with Sylvester Stallone earlier this year by the Spanish newspaper El Pais, which was then spread through a Facebook page created by an Italian fan, all as part of a new Axis of Evil designed to distract and weaken the United States with thoughts of Nicolas Cage doing Nicolas Cage things. Stallone himself shot down that rumor today, narrowly averting the crisis and exposing the Axis for who they are, and hopefully putting Spain and Italy on the shit-list of countries he’s going to fake-fight.