"In the end, she became more than what she expected. She became the journey, and like all journeys, she did not end, she just simply changed directions and kept going." R. M. Drake

Saturday, October 15, 2011

I am so happy that Spencer is finally starting to get better! It's hard for me to get excited about it and get my hopes up, but this time I just can't help it. I know that since there have been about 3 good days we could always have a bad day creep up - but for now I'm just happy. I don't think I've cried a tear for the last 3 days and that makes me a happy camper =) I've been a little bummed at times or frustrated, but never upset!

Today was a great day and his vent settings have been turned down even more. If things continue to go the way they have been we can look at him getting back off the ventilator in the next day or two =) It gives me so much hope to think about. His CO2 levels have been a little high and it's been concerning me a little bit. This is why he's had to go back on the vent so many times after being extubated or self extubating. I'm going to be on pins and needles, almost just WAITING for something to go wrong... I know that's not the best attitude to have.. so I am just trying to prepare myself that something COULD go wrong, but I'm going to try my best to just enjoy every SECOND that he is off the ventilator. Hug him, kiss him, talk with him, joke around with him, play card games with him. I just need to live in the moment... And that's sometimes really hard when you know he is dying.

Something that I keep having to shove out of my mind is death. Lately, without even knowing what I would be thinking about, I've noticed myself thinking about Spencer's funeral. Such as what songs we would play, who would speak... etc. I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT. That's the last thing that I want on my mind. But for some reason it keeps creeping up. Every time I realize what I am thinking I shove it out of my mind and think of something else. I hate that it pops up... I don't want to think about my husbands death =( I guess it's just so much of a reality now days that it naturally comes up? Idk... i just don't like it...

As I said... it's hard to live in the moment. To not think about what might happen... what might go wrong... how much longer he has left... if he'll get to come back home... If he'll get a transplant... and the list goes on and on. But I'm certainly trying my best to take in every moment... every little second and enjoy it for MORE than it's worth. I want to cherish them forever.

Last night we watched a movie together. Rio. It was super cute. I moved the chair over right next to spencer, got myself as comfortable as I could with those dang gowns and gloves and just held his hand the whole. entire. time. It was wonderful. I kept smiling, just thinking about how happy I was that he was able to be watching it with me... that he was able to hold my hand. It's little moments like that that are just THE BEST. =)