I’m A Rose Gold Digger

Unlike Kanye, I don’t have a gold digger taking my money when I’m in need because I am that gold digger. I take my own money when I’m in need and I spend it all on unnecessary, but totally satisfying-on-the-skin, slinky satin dresses.

Sometimes I’m even tempted to buy backup versions because I’m insane, but also because I’m known for being a little ahem, clumsy – catching knitwear on rings, smudging my nails all down a new top, spilling burger relish in and around my mouth, that kind of thing. But then I realise that I’m already limiting myself to Tesco meal deals for the rest of the month if I buy one thing, let alone a backup. Hey credit card how ya holding up there babe, you burning yet?

I got this dress from H&M last month and it’s been hanging in my wardrobe ever since, so I thought in the name of outfit inspiration, thrown in with a little Sunday boredom, I would stick it on and go and slink about the streets of Brighton for you. I will wear it out eventually, I just need to make sure I haven’t eaten two pizzas in one week before I do that, ‘cos we all know satin’s a biatch. You Franco Manca girls will feel me.

A few months back I got some bronde (blonde/brown) balayage done to correct five years worth of d*cking around with my hair. The red, the Iced Chocolate L’Oreal Casting Creme, the Sunkiss brightening Jelly. Basically whatever Chezza Cole did with her hair, I did. Apart from getting a number 3 buzzcut on one side of my head. That was all my idea.

So somehow while trying to justify parting with £39.99 for this dress, I thought to myself, yeah why not treat yourself. Bronde hair shopping’s a thing and you know what complements bronde hair more than anything? Goldrose gold dresses Lareese. That’s what.

Of course I didn’t need it. I’d taken enough changing room selfies to convince myself it was already mine, and to just put it back on the shelf and walk away. I could have done the whole buy it, wear it and return it thing, but that’s way too rational for someone who cried in a bath a few weeks ago. My mind was made up, the deed was done. And here I am tucking into a £1 Tesco egg and cress sandwich as I write, and I regret nothing. Other supermarkets are available.

PS remember when we had to grow cress in primary school lolll? If only they had made me grow some god damn self-control instead, then I might not be here getting leaves stuck between my teeth and saving the soggy bread ’til last as a treat.