Sunday 17 February, 2002

Woke up feeling very tired and resentful – I just wanted to be asleep. Today is the third day in a row I haven’t exercised and I am blaming everyone but myself for that. On the bus to the house I told myself the negativity is my script – I am doing very well – and that my mind is playing with me. I stood firm even when my mind tried to convince me that the way I felt was the real me. After what I learned yesterday I know the true me exists ‘separately’ from my script. I told myself simply that I will not indulge in my negativity, no matter how tired I am and that I will take tomorrow morning off.

At the house Karaj told me to take tomorrow morning off. He is also very tired.

13.00 E 20 mins. Just as the men outside (Karaj, Dev, Calvin, Robert, Sunil) were nearing the time to finish, they discovered a burst water pipe. This added an extra 45 mins to the work but when I was called in to help I assumed it would take hours to dig up and repair the pipe. I was annoyed that we were clearly not going to be finishing the day at the planned time. Why did I ever believe Karaj when he said yesterday, ‘I’m going to kick you all out at 4pm tomorrow’? That became 6pm when we talked this morning, followed swiftly by 8pm, with a final declaration of ‘definitely not midnight’. On a day when all I want to do is be quiet and alone and rest, this is not what I need.

Verbalise Verbalise Verbalise Verbalise Verbalise

When Karaj had mentioned the early finish yesterday I had thought I would enjoy a quiet night on my own. I did not verbalise this, however, so I was left alone with my frustration when the day began to stretch out. When Karaj called me to help out with the burst pipe I did not verbalise my thoughts on what the situation meant for me.

All I had to do was ask a simple question about the immediate work which needed to be done to reach a (temporary) solution. That would have facilitated a dialogue among us all, which would have given us a break from the emergency, allowed to stand back from the job and reach a considered and effective conclusion. Instead I allowed myself to be dominated by my annoyance and frustration.

What I also failed to do was to appreciate why Karaj called me in. He wanted me there so that I can bring some sense and calm to the situation. I do not see that he appreciates my qualities. Wake up.

Furthermore, this had been a chance to practice what I had taken as my main learning point from yesterday: to remain calm under stress and to pastime in an emergency. I did not recognise it as the golden opportunity it was and this is the point. Had I assessed the situation and recognised it as such an opportunity, I would have had a damn good try at remaining calm, but I didn’t. Once again I let my emotions get the better of me.

My emotions should be a big clue to me that something is not quite right. When I did verbalise the reason for my annoyance to the other men, while Karaj was outside, I felt much better. When Karaj later asked me how I felt, I told him too and he simply said, ‘That’s no problem at all – I’ll give you a lift home’. He went on to emphasise my need for verbalisation. It’s what I have to do.