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25 April 2010

The impact of a fresh coat of paint on grief

I'm not the world's most mystical person, but there's something to be said for moving everything in a space around and getting the energy flowing differently.

I've been stagnating and paralyzed with grief and depression for a long time. Getting my puppy thawed some emotional paralysis, but I was still overwhelmed with the physical reality of going through my mother's things and making decisions about this house we shared.

I've decided to move down into her garden apartment and rent out the upstairs as a furnished short term/vacation rental. It's a lovely gem of a house, on a beautiful park, and I think a lot of people would find this a really nice place to rent. We'll see if I'm right.

But moving down into my mom's space is psychologically... weird. I've been spending quite a bit of time there with Rawley, as it opens on the garden and is on the ground floor, both easier to get him to the park, to potty, and to hang out in the sunshine than if we were upstairs. I'd set up my big laptop with an external keyboard and mouse and was working down there all day.

But today, painters came in and painted the place. They moved all the furniture into the center of the room, tarped it all, and painted out the dark paneling and unfinished wood of some changes we made as she became ill. They took off the handicapped pull bars, primed and painted shelves and doors and door jambs, and repaired a lot of holes from where she'd hung pictures and curtain rods.

It's... amazing. It feels fresh and different and bright. And this evening, for the first time since my mom died, I've been able to cope with sending some of her things to the thrift store and dealing with her car, which has sat untouched in the driveway for months. My brother came over and put a charger on the battery, and we made plans to sell it next week, after I get a missing hubcap replaced and have it detailed.

Maybe it's just the passing of time, I don't know. I wish I could say I'm less unhappy about how horrible her last months were, or how much I miss her in my life, but I can't. But I do feel that some things are moving and shifting, and I'm going to choose, just for tonight, to be hopeful about the future.