Tag Archives: God

It is about time for an update. In the past few weeks, if you follow my Facebook, you would have seen several pictures of Joel and I inside an ambulance, at a hospital waiting room or in the emergency. Well, let me explain.

It was April 11, our 2-year wedding anniversary, that Joel was scheduled to have a cysts removal surgery in his anus. Yes. Looking back now, it seems pretty comical to have celebrated our anniversary at the hospital…talking about anesthetic and bottoms. I had thought long and hard whether this would be too much information for you, readers; but since my husband does not care, I hope you grit your teeth and read along.

Two hours passed after Joel went inside, a nurse came out and said, “You could go see Joel now.” I was greeted by this suspiciously jolly husband, who I learned later was still high from whatever drugs they gave him. It was not long, though, before the medication wore off, and the surgical pain rolled in. This was to be expected. The doctor gave instructions on what to do and discharged him. Our friend picked us up and took us home. At that moment, we both thought Joel would recover soon; that within a few days, he would be able to sit and go back to work as usual.

Wrong.

We play this game called “What’s your pain level?” The rule is simple. I ask, he answers. The level is scaled from 1-10. One being the lowest, barely noticeable pain; and ten being the most excruciating, I am going to die kind of pain. The first two nights, his answer was always 8-9. We rarely slept because Joel had to move around every few minutes or so. When he was awake, I was pretty much awake.

Our day at the hospital full of fancy gown and waiting around

Pizza to celebrate our 2-year anniversary? Why not?!

Anyway, three days after Joel’s surgery, I went to work as usual. Everything seemed normal. Since the Easter weekend was starting the next day, and everything would be closed, I thought I would grab a few necessary items from the shop. Just before I walked out of the house, Joel showed a sign of mild pain, but I thought it was the usual stuff. So I left, thinking whether I should buy extra ingredients to make hot cross buns over the weekend.

It was a glorious walk. I could see the sun setting over the mountains range and smell smoke coming from chimneys. I was listening and singing to the song “And Can It Be”, a powerful hymn that talks about how undeserving we are, how amazing God’s grace is and the victory that we get to share in Christ’s blood as I trudged down the hill. In no time, I was lost among the aisles. The shop was bustling with last-minute shoppers and I was just looking at gelatin when my phone rang.

“Mink, I have got a chest pain. I just called the ambulance. They are on their way,” Joel spoke shakily.

I could feel blood seep out of my face. I quickly dropped the gelatin, and ran as fast as I could back up the hill. Though it is just one kilometer away, I could not run fast enough because of its steep road and my short legs. I asked Joel to be on the phone with me so I could keep myself sane, being assured that he was still alive (I know, I am such a drama queen). I could hear him panting and drawing short shaky breath. Fear gripped my heart. When you realized that death is just only one breath away, nothing else in the world matters. Thankfully, the ambulance had arrived; and I breathed sigh of relief. The paramedic gave him some painkillers and took both of us to the hospital.

Inside the ambulance for the first time

All wired up, waiting to find out what was wrong

The results from that day showed no sign of heart disease (thank God), but the doctor suspected it could be his inflamed pancreas or gallstone. However, the result of his ultrasound around his torso revealed nothing remarkable either. So the general surgeon, whom we saw yesterday, suspected that it could be post-op side effect with some clots in his lungs.

With all that said, Joel’s current condition is improving, if ever so slowly to my liking. These two major events; the surgery and the mysterious chest pain, had thrown us some curve balls. In the past 20 days, we have been to the hospital five times, three of those were in the emergency room; paid a few visits to the GP (general practitioner); had a home doctor come over once; and purchased several pre-scripted drugs. When I was at the chemist yesterday, a staff member said, “You are only 15 points away from receiving a voucher.” Reluctantly, I replied, “I am not sure if I should be happy about this, because it means we have spent too much money on medication.” And guess what, I have to go to the chemist again…tomorrow.

Around the same time we were in and out of the hospital, three people whom we knew passed away. I was forced to deal with my fear of pain and death, which I had always tried to avoid dwelling my thoughts on. When dad died, I was only 14. The image of him writhing in agony in bed and lying still in his business suit all pale and stiff after he died have haunted me. His death left a big wound in my heart. Even after so many years, I had never been able to escape from this emergency room that smelled like death.

Strangely enough, God used the memory of a beautiful old grandma, Nan Raine, who is now with him, to help me make peace with dying. I was in her hospital room, in Tauranga, New Zealand; with a few of her direct families and my classmates. I remembered how frail she looked, yet still remained witty and kept a sense of humor. We sang to her a few songs; one of them was “Soon and Very Soon”.

As we sang “soon and very soon, we are going to see the King,” it hit me how this was becoming a reality for Nan Raine. In the midst of our tears and futile effort to hold on to her a little bit longer, the image of her taking off her “earthly body” and putting on “the heavenly body” standing before our God the King in all His glory overwhelmed me. The picture accelerated my vision past the blurry, soggy, muddled bits of life; and placed me at the foot of His throne. It is so hard to explain, but in this room with the smell of death approaching, I was released from the cage of fear I had been imprisoned in since 14 years ago. Nan Raine had managed to give me a gift of hope and a glimpse of eternity on her last day on earth. This glimpse, however small, is something I will hold on tight when my heart is filled with despair, when the day I will have to deal with grief so immense comes again.

To this day, Joel and I are thankful for our family and friends, who have been so kind to us. We have received all kinds of messages – from concerning to well-wishing to almost rebuking why we haven’t let them know what’s going on. We have also been blessed by our church family and Canberra friend, who have given me ride to work at 5:30 in the morning, who have come by our house for a chat and brought food and treats with them. This is an amazing season in our lives. We are not quite sure why we have to go through this – the pain, the sleepless nights, the long wait at hospitals, the uncertainty, etc. But, I guess, why not? Perhaps there are other reasons, but one I know for sure – God is using this as an opportunity to refine our hearts and redefine our faith. Every moment is a chance for us to pray and to put our trust in Him.

I feel very thankful to God for the love and compassion that He has given to me through many people. This visa application would not have worked out if Annie, a very trusted friend, made a trip to the hospital to get the health check-up result for me, reviewed all my documents and sent it to Bangkok, while I was driving through bumps and potholes up to the mountain. Then, another friend, Sam went to the bus station in Bangkok to retrieve the package and then to the embassy (twice, because I forgot to mention that it was moved to another building) to submit the application for me. I would not have gone through all the fuss and complications with surprisingly calm manner if my family and friends had not spent their time praying for me. So thank you all so much!

To be honest, I had expected to be anxious and stressed out, especially when I have only three weeks left before the school starts…and I still have not got my visa or booked my flight. I should have been. But the Lord has instilled in my soul the confidence I can have in His plan, acknowledging Him in every step I take and trusting in who He is. So, when a hard question like “What will you do if your visa does not get approved?” comes my way, I am ready to answer that I do yet know but God will direct my path exactly as He wants. I have made a choice to follow at all costs. Uncertainty does not scare me anymore.

An answer that I can give to you is this – I am moving back to Bangkok. I have been living life on the edge, traveling to places I would never dream of and doing things I did not expect myself to do – like climbing cave or traveling solo…all included me struggling and being forced to overcome my fear. And I have to be frank with myself – I am a bit travel – worn. I would love to spend more time with my mom and sisters, feel the warmth of evening sun on my cheeks as I ride on river taxis and try out new baking recipes. No, I am not yet done with adventures (and I am sure that there will be many more when I go to New Zealand) but a girl needs a time off from excitement.

So my plan is to leave Chiang Mai by the end of next week (or a little before, depending on when I can get my car back from fixing). I am making the most of my final week – in between running errands and packing – by eating, meeting with friends and going to places that I know I will surely miss like the riverside, markets, malls and Rimping supermarket. It feels weird to be saying goodbye to this home I have been living for five years. But the time has come.

Something that God spoke to me this morning, while I was having breakfast, was:

So I am going to New Zealand. But what I have seen in commercials or movies – about how easy and convenient it is to make a trip abroad, has definitely failed in comparison to my reality. While I was in downtown Bangkok today to run one of the visa errands, I longingly gazed at a billboard in a mall, showing a caucasian woman enjoying her time in Thailand just like “a local”, with a tinge of envy. Travel agencies and financial institutions make us feel like everything is possible and we can go anywhere in the world we want. But when reality comes crashing in – with the to-minute preparation, tall piles of documents, snail-pace progresses and the snarling threat of embassy workers, one has to brace herself with grace, dignity and strength; and holds on to the confidence she has in the Lord’s plan despite everything that screams against her hope.

Since my last post, there have been many things going on. I recently came back from visiting Burma, the country that has been on my heart for the past couple of years. Now that I am back, the most important thing to do is to apply for the student visa – the most daunting task I ever have to take on. Every time.

Before I can hand in the pile of application form and other documents, there are so many details involved that I will not bore you with. But to help you be better informed, I need to submit my visa application by the first week of January the latest so that I will be able to board a plane at the end of January. Such a crunching time!

Currently, I am working on to get a police clearance and health check-up, which will take about 2-3 weeks to get done. I am also gathering money – both from my work and from my sponsors, so that I will be able to show the embassy that I will have enough money to survive for two years. The requirement is that I have 15,000 NZD in my bank account, which I have only 1/4 of what’s demanded.

In spite of everything, I want to praise God for:

1. The official acceptance into the school! I am now an official student of the South Pacific Bible College in Tauranga, New Zealand. My degree is the diploma of advanced biblical studies.

2. The discount of tuition fee from 7,200 NZD to 2,400 NZD! Because of the discount, I am now able to pay the tuition fee in full for both years!

3. The monthly living cost about 1,000 NZD, which I now have supporters committed to sponsor for the rest of my time there!

Because of these blessings, I am now down to the airfare and the traveling insurance, which are as followed:

– Plane ticket from Bangkok to New Zealand 1,000 USD per trip

– Traveling insurance 756 USD for two years

I am so excited! God is so good, and always surprises me with wonderful news each day! With that said, here is my prayer points.

Please pray for:

1. The amount of support money that will come in time and be able to cover all necessary expenses. Right now, I have to raise more for the airfare (one trip) and the traveling insurance, which is approximately 2,000 USD in total.

2. Applying for the visa – I am planning to go to the embassy right after New Year in January. Please pray for God’s favor upon me as I compile all the papers and go into the interview with the officials. Pray for the speed of processes too. Usually, the work of bureaucratic offices take 2-3 weeks. My time frame is quite rushed. So pray for peace, calmness, wisdom and discernment as I tackle each task with grace and strength.

3. Booking and paying for the plane tickets – as of now, the agency informed me that the seats are all full from mid to the end of January. School will start in February 3. So I need to be there by January 30 at the latest, if not before.

4. My health – After I got back from Burma, I am down with a slight cold, mostly cough, congestion and running nose. I need to get a medical check-up on December 24. So please pray that God would bring healing and there’ll be no problem with the check-up.

5. My spiritual health – Pray for open heart and mind to the Lord’s working in this period. There are certain issues I need to work though, mostly with fear. Pray that this period would be a fruitful time I can spend with God and rest in Him.

If you wish to pray for me, to hear from me or to bless me financially, please let me know by leaving your comments here or send me your email. My email address is mink.mijji@gmail.com

Thank you for reading! I know it is long. I am working on writing with more preciseness and trying not to elaborate too much. 😉

cherry is a petite Asian 59-year-old lady. her brown eyes are bright but they shimmer the sorrow that is buried deep in her heart. having lived unde the long years of the military oppression has deepened creases and wrinkles on her kind face. cherry’s family runs a small Shan-Indian restaurant, where scrumptious fresh tea leaf salad, or “la pat tho”, is served with a glass of hot tea; and where you can dip the home-made “dosa”, the rice flour cake, into the bean soup and refreshing tamarind leaf sauce. one fine afternoon, i had a chance to sit down across from her and listened to her story.

“we have run the business for about ten years now. in the past our house was much smaller, but it was homely with flower beds and plants in front of the house. in my childhood, everything was beautiful.”

cherry’s little shop is located on a quiet street, just 50 meters away from the main street light. the road is paved with cement, and like the usual Burma, it is dusty and can barely find a tree shade. the result of this is from the government’s “nationalizing” policy.

“i am a fruit of a mission school. that is why i can speak good English. but when the British left, and the military had ruled, everything…EVERYTHING…had to be turned in to the government,” said cherry.

“i remember how we had to line up to get our rice portion, and text books to go to school, when i was in the fourth standard (grade four). it was a desperate time.”

it is no wonder that most streets of Burma are consisted of big compounds: hospitals, universities, government offices,etc, most of them are under the government’s name. simple enjoyment like gardening at cherry’s house had been uprooted, and instead, replaced with hard cement. the nation needed order. and what would be a better way to bring order than to rid the citizens with joy and instill fear in order to polarize power?

under the close scrutiny and tight grip of the government, people in Burma struggle to thrive. the majority of its citizens work for meager wages despite the wealth of buddhist pagodas and temples on every street corner. as a biographer of adoniram judson, rosalie hall hunt, described in her book “bless God and take courage”,

“the size of that giant monument of gold must have stunned the judsons, for it reaches nearly as high as the great pyramids of Egypt. legend takes its founding back 2,500 years. this incredible mass contains over sixty tons of gold, more than is housed in the bank of england. the spire is covered with more than 13,000 gold plates, the vane at the top studded with 1,400 precious rubies and sapphires and crowned by 5,000 diamonds weighing 2,000 carats. one enormous 76-carat diamond is positioned to catch the first light of the morning sun. there is nothing of poverty about Shwe Dagon, buddhism’s most sacred shrine. yet it looms over a city and country so impoverished by a military regime that, in spite of rich natural resources of teak and precious gem, Burma ranks among the world’s ten poorest nations.”

recently, there seems to be a ray of hope in Burma. the news of ceasefire with multiple tribal groups have been all over the front pages of newspapers and broadcasted it on television. and because of the current south east asian games (SEA Games) and the upcoming ASEAN, the unification of countries in south east asia, the country has begun to open its door to foreigners. even though my friends have to report to “the office” of my visit, i have been allowed to stay at their houses, which would be impossible had it been five or ten years ago. but ask any Burmese, and you would be surprised to hear the similar response of uncertainty.

cherry tilted her head a little as she pondered her answer,

“things definitely look better these days. but we can never know what’s in the mind of our leaders. it is like…we are at a theater watching a movie with pictures flash by on the screen. but we cannot change anything. just watch.”

her smile is then glazed with sorrow again – the kind that does not come from the years of living under the oppression only but also of the uncertain destiny of her future, and her soul. as i wrote in the previous post, the town of pyay oo lwin is diverse with cultural background, races and religions. within two-mile walk, i ran into a buddhist temple, a chinese temple, a hindu temple, an islam mosque and an anglican church.

cherry and her family are muslims. her remark to me when i told her that i will go to the bible school next year is, “i hope you are lucky with your choice. because if you are unlucky, your life will be bad”, to which i reply, “auntie, i am a Christian. and i believe that whatever circumstances i fall in, God will always be with me. and that in itself is already a blessing.”

i was not trying to be indignant or overly zealous. but i had prayed that God would allow me a chance to speak of His name, even just a mention of His beautiful name to His beautiful people here. and how He has been faithful. my presence or my speech may not be as significant as to bring any souls to Christ. but my prayer is that one day the government will not only realize that their people are suffering but that they will also move forward in transforming Burma into a nation rid of political pollution forever. i pray that the seeds that have already been planted in Burma through sacrificial missionaries and faithful christians will continue to be watered and nurtured so that the people of Burma will get a chance to be redeemed, to freely live and to make their own choices and to be a part in creating this country the true “golden land” – full of lush nature, exotic culture, creative minds and Christ-devoted souls…and that, eventually, the Burman souls will be set free from the oppression of godlessness; and we will see more church steeples mingle with the spires of pagodas in this land.

i am lost. at this moment, i am. i thought i was found. but now i cannot even make one confident decision about what to eat for breakfast.

who would spend her morning contemplating which church to go to? should it be a dilemma in the first place? i thought i was committed to a church. i honestly don’t know why i go to church anymore.

and a part of me screams, “a good Christian must never say this!” then my voice inside me whispers, “at least, not out loud.”

wait a second, i thought i just came back from a spiritual revival retreat. and i thought i had made peace with God. a week has not yet been over, and i am now back to the same spot again?

i am…actually, i have been wandering in the wilderness for a while. and i am just starting to see the light. after the retreat, we all came back with clearer focus on God’s purpose. many have come back with clarity and transformation. i, among the few, came back searching for more. God revealed the most shocking aspect of my life to me – a root i never thought i had. He let me peek into the crack, and invited me to open the door wide so i may go back and search for the cause of today’s mess.

i am just starting to dig in. and i already want to stop.

my insecurity is this – that i am not, and will never be enough. if i were to find a place in this world, i had to work hard, pretend hard and be on top of everything. i said “shocking” earlier because i had never seen myself this way. my own perceived characters are a soft, sensitive and emotional woman, who does not like competition, who avoids conflict…and likes to wait until the last moment for her creative side to bubble up before she completes a project.

i am all of the above. and more. deeper in my heart, i strive to be better than others…just so i can look better. i envy women who use more reasons than hearts in making decision. i feel intimidated by those who are on top of everything, who are capable of juggling tasks at work and at home well and can make confident decision that earns other people’s trust. i am jealous of them because i cannot be what they are. my insufficiency.

i am now seeing a very ugly side of myself that i had never thought i would possess. i always tried to let humbleness walk before me. but this atttiude is definitely not a fruit of meekness. but pride. oh – how i have walked with pride.

God has challenged me since then to accept the person i am, and the person that i am not; to appreciate the uniqueness of my own personalities and characters – with all the flaws and scars and to allow Him to heal and fulfill the broken and empty parts. what kind of a cup i would be if i refused to let the creater smash me into pieces, and let him mke me new?

yes, to be made new, i must endure the beating, the pounding, the scorching heat. during the retreat, i heard God say to me so clearly, “I want your heart to be set right with Me. So tear your heart, and not just your clothes.” let me tell you, the tearing part is very ugly.

the more He tears at the outer layers, which i have carefully placed around my heart, the more pain i feel…and the harder i try to shrink back from His hand. but He will not stop until He gets a hold of me. all of me. and that is another thing He said to me. “i want to take a hold of you, Mink. let Me.”

so i have let Him do to me whatever He wants. and my way of cooperation is to be as honest about myself, my thinking and my feeling as possible, no matter how ugly or unconventional or radical they may be. there is no need to hide anymore.

and God says, “Mink, whoever you are, whatever you do, you are enough for Me. My love for you does not waver with the size of your clothes or the number of praises you receive from your workplace or the type of jobs you hold. i love you because i made you. and you are enough for Me. My portion of love will always be just right for what you need at the moment. so as I have accepted you and loved you, do so to yourself.”

i have been gone — for a long time. wordpress wouldn’t let me in unless i signed in again.

the reason that brought me back to this space tonight is not about myself. but it is about children. in poverty. after all, i am working in a holistic child development organization.

words. questions. pictures. they can’t describe enough. but that pair of dark eyes still taunts me. hopelessness. hunger. humiliation. even as i close my eyes, i see his — and my stomach drops. my insides turn. and my eyes well up. this little boy of ten has come to a conclusion of life that he can be nothing more than an enslaved quarry worker in the sun-scorched land.

“i want everyone to be happy. i do have desires. but my dreams will never come true so let me not have dreams at all”, said he.

my heart crumbles. faced with the harsh reality of poverty, this indian boy legitimately shoved aside any desires so he wouldn’t be disappointed by the impossible.

yet he deserves better, doesn’t he? to dream. to hope. to live to the fullest.

pause for a second. what was your reaction when you read that last paragraph? did you just cringe inside? or were you filled with enthusiasm?

i know that for many of us, poverty is an issue a million miles away. we just don’t care. i was one. but the good news is — it’s not because we are indifferent. we just don’t know. but now that i have raised that up, will you consider read this post more slowly and visit this site?

you will be changed.

habakkuk 1:5 says,

“Look at the nations and watch—
and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe,
even if you were told.”

it is okay to doubt but don’t let doubt eat up our passion for the cause God has put into your hearts. we can make a difference now.

on this upcoming january 25, i, along with others from around the globe, will be committed to praying for children and people who are exposed to or suffering from malaria in thailand. this marks the 1st month of the 58: global impact tour, which will take you online to 12 countries and 12 issues. we will fast together, pray together and give together. visit here if you want to know more of this.

i invite you, my friends, to take on this journey with me. we are hopeful because we know that the Lord is faithful. we are not worriers but warriors. thus, we pray and follow our Captain.

“hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing,

it is grace that we can count on. it is His arm that we can fall back upon. despite our failures or mistakes, whether or not we make the right decision, God never fails. He is there to catch us…to bring us back up. Yes, we will have to bear the consequences of our decisions. but Jesus said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness”. nothing can separate us from His love.

you may contend that if we let Him be the center of our life, if we read His word and pray everyday, we will not stumble. how would that be possible, right? yet we must admit that we fall. we make mistakes. we let our parents down. we break promises we made with friends. we misunderstand His will and follow the wrong path. we sin in our hearts and deeds. despite our intimate relationship with the Lord, we are prone to faults…because we are imperfect.

in those days when our attempts to get life back together are futile, when we realize that we have messed up and things are beyond our reach to amend, Yahweh is there. His almighty power…His sovereignty…His omnipotence…His sweet grace…His love…and His holiness shield us from the forceful darkness. and His truth liberates us. when we compare situations of our life to His power, everything fades…is meaningless…purposeless.

when we submerge ourselves in His love, trusting that this God we worship does know what He is doing, we will experience the revival of our soul. we believe. we love. we obey. we trust. we proclaim. and we wait for the miracles to unfold.

along the way, though, anxiety and worry may overpower us. remember in those days the two men of God who prayed similar prayer to God; argur and paul, asking Him for and being content in His provision.

“give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. otherwise, i may have too much and disown You and say, ‘who is the Lord?’ or i may become poor and steal, and so dishonor the name of my God.” (proverbs 30:8-9)

paul said, “i am not saying this because i am in need, for i have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. i know what it is to be in need, and i know what it is to have plenty. i have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” (philippians 4:11-12)

let us be strengthened, dear ones, by His daily bread. humble our selves and repent of our ways…everyday. be joyful for how He blesses us. be thankful for His sustenance and give all we have to Him and those He loves…so that, in the end, His glory will be like the banner all across the heaven and the earth.

while journeying heavenward and battling off evils, we need to remember His promise…that God will always stand by our sides whatever our circumstances are. we need to hold on to His unfailing love despite who we are. allow ourselves to be accepted, valued and loved by the Friend who doesn’t care about our past. trust in Jehovah Jireh who provides just enough for us to move on…

…so that, ultimately, God Almighty…Lord Jesus will be glorified through the end of the earth. and this living…this glorifying God…is what christianity is all about.

“the cross is not just a symbol of love or a fashion statement. the cross is your daily decision to deny yourself, your rights, your wants, your dreams, your plans, your goals, and deliberately, wholeheartedly, unreservedly live out your commitment to God’s will and God’s way and God’s Word and God’s wisdom. the cross is your decision to live for Him” – anne graham lotz

i have this desire to write something…to capture my feelings…and let them live through my words. but i cannot find any vocabularies suitable…or…worthy enough to describe myself at the moment. i am in a state of…mixed colors. i am in awe, confused, peaceful, excited, sad and curious. every time, change brings shock. but all you can do when change comes knocking on your door is to brace yourself and welcome it as best as you can…although you despise it.

the rain still patters hard against my porch outside. but in a little while…or a few hours…it will stop. and the cool breeze will tuck me tight and warm in my soft blanket. the dark night will wrap around me and sing lullaby until i close my eyes and drift away in endless dream.

with my soul being still, God will come and heal me. i am bruised. my nation is wounded. this world is injured. we have weathered through droughts and storms. we cry ’till our bones ache…’till scarlet turned dry…’till wounds turned scars.

but change will come…for the better…like the rain. it may cause flood but we witnessed brotherhood, friendship and christian love. when storm sweeps everything away…when its power made the earth churn…it cleanses the soil of filthiness.

yet while we hold our fort, when clouds hover above us and hope is dim, look to the Lord and remember His unmatchable power and unfathomable grace. and come to Him…with the humility of heart…for when God gets a hold of us, He never lets us go.

“Jesus, we are broken people. no one is perfect. no, not one. we drown our sorrow in bottles. we hide fear in our cage of self. and we continue to do so with our stubbornness. forgive Your people, Lord. the truth is…if You chose to do so, we would be dead. You don’t need us. but You want us more than anything. and You love us. and i want to live a life worthy of Your love.”

i have used too much of my head. i have been trained to plan ahead, to get thoughts organized and to make things productive. but now…i just want to use my heart to write. i am now closing my eyes and type from the deepest part of my heart.

i am struggling. i feel depressed. i am in the depth of questions, “what am i doing?”…”am i still fit for what i do?”…”would i be better off somewhere else?”. being in a corporate organization has pros and cons.

the good parts are training, empowerment, discipline, new experiences and many more. having worked here, God has opened my world to another side of the country and opened my heart for the karen people. i get to travel. my 1st official trip out of country was to china, when i had a training with other colleagues from america, india, indonesia and philippines. i get to use my skills of language to serve God and His people. i am living and working closely with christians. He answered my prayer, which i asked Him before i graduated, “three things, God. travel. use linguistic talent to serve You. and a christian organization.” what more do i need to ask?

but you can’t have the good without seeing any faults. i haven’t had much time for myself. i am being trained to be someone who is not me. i miss my old self…the girl who cared for others when they were in need….the person who was compassionate and could understand what others went through…the servant of God who was not bitter or resentful towards the world. i might not be as perfect as i should be but i was myself…and i loved that self.

now…i am weary. i feel like i’ve come to another step of life, a step higher. it feels so cold. i appreciate and cherish the work i do now because i know how much impact my work can make on children’s and other people’s lives all around the world. i am grateful for the investment and trust people have showered on me. photography. writing. trainings. but there are so many battles going on. and i’m losing the true person that i am. the more i try to be better, the more i sense failure. my thoughts are consumed with how imperfect i am, how much more i have to live up and how i will never be able to do it well.

living is not out of passion but of obligation and duty. i think of the biblical patriots, how a lot of them served the Lord but never got to see the promises made to them. what did they hold on to? the only answer i can think of is the faith in the Lord that got them thus far.

i don’t have any answers to the struggles i am battling with. i don’t know whether i’m in the right place or not. i used to know…i was quick to hear His voice…but now…my heart is hardened. the constant injustice that happens to children and women. the bad guys who still reign and rule. the wretchedness Satan brought upon this world and the selfishness that came with human nature. i must be on the wrong path. the more i serve, the more hopeless i become. it isn’t supposed to be this way. if i truly serve the Lord, i should be joyful and hopeful, shouldn’t i?

the world is so vast and i am so small. what right did i have to think i could change it?

but my eyes have seen too many witnesses…how God CAN make the impossible to the possible. you all know so well from the bible. the wall of jericho. gideon’s incredible victory. God’s protection over david’s life. five loaves and 2 fish. broken prisons and the shouts of glory.

then many real life’s stories. i cannot deny that God is here with me. but i am so lost. i don’t want to do anything but to find somewhere quiet…apart from people and work…a place i don’t have to think about earning money or thinking about where to find food. the place i and God meet alone.

a prodigal is still wandering out in the desert and trying to find her way home.

apart from God there is no lasting quenching of our spiritual hunger and thirst.

each of us was created in the image and likeness of God. we were made for God’s fellowship, and our hearts can never be satisfied without His communion. just as iron is attracted to a magnet, the soul in its state of hunger is drawn to God. – billy graham

“This is my temporary home
It’s not where I belong
Windows and rooms that I’m passin’ through
This is just a stop, on the way to where I’m going
I’m not afraid because I know this is my
Temporary Home.”

it is true that every human is made for something far better than here. deep in our hearts, our longing for the Creator…to be intimate with Him who loves us without the flaw of sins…is there. the world has coated us with exhaustive materials and false power that our hearts have been numb and cold to the true passion we were created for.

but pray that God would remove every veil…every hinderance…from your heart and open your whole self to what He truly has in mind. the Lord had done it to me this morning through this music video. but before you watch, please read this scripture. don’t rush it. go through each line slowly and let the truth sink into your heart.

The Government of Death, its constitution chiseled on stone tablets, had a dazzling inaugural. Moses’ face as he delivered the tablets was so bright that day (even though it would fade soon enough) that the people of Israel could no more look right at him than stare into the sun. How much more dazzling, then, the Government of Living Spirit?

If the Government of Condemnation was impressive, how about this Government of Affirmation? Bright as that old government was, it would look downright dull alongside this new one. If that makeshift arrangement impressed us, how much more this brightly shining government installed for eternity?

With that kind of hope to excite us, nothing holds us back. Unlike Moses, we have nothing to hide. Everything is out in the open with us. He wore a veil so the children of Israel wouldn’t notice that the glory was fading away—and they didn’t notice. They didn’t notice it then and they don’t notice it now, don’t notice that there’s nothing left behind that veil. Even today when the proclamations of that old, bankrupt government are read out, they can’t see through it. Only Christ can get rid of the veil so they can see for themselves that there’s nothing there.

Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are—face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We’re free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him. (2 corinthians 3:7-18, the Message)

with our unveiled faces, we shine the Creator’s glory and continue to be transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory.

while we’re waiting for our eternal Home, Christ the King humbly made His home within us…in this world.

so, with a sigh, eyes turned towards His face, i unclench my hands…let go of the grip i’ve held so tightly…and gently lay my life down before Him.