Jailbirds and Search Terms

I know I said I wasn’t going to make a habit of Search Term Tuesday, but then I saw the greatest search EVER and it’s Monday, so I had to share. Someone searched for the following and it led them here. I don’t get it either.

invisible sweat dripping off my balls when i’m on meth

Right?! Oh my God, it’s better than Christmas. The amount of joy this has brought me is a little frightening.

While I was pondering on this poor guy’s plight, I started thinking about balls criminals and that led me to my recycle bin, because that’s where I keep the bad guys.

By “bad guys” I mean newspapers that haven’t gone out yet. Luckily for you, I haven’t emptied my newspaper bin since Christmas, and my town does a weekly incident report. I know. It’s often the highlight of my week.

April 13: At approximately 12:10 a.m., police were notified that someone was asleep in the road in front of the high school. Police found a male subject sitting just outside the white line. He advised “he had simply had too much to drink and had fallen asleep.” Because everyone drinks on the side of the road in front of a school, right?

June 7: A man was arrested for public intoxication after police received a tip that there was a man asleep in the ditch in front of the high school. Shit. I guess they do.

March 14: A man reported that he received a phone call from a person threatening to kill his cat and him. What could the cat have possibly done?

February 15: A caller advised there was a chair in the middle of the road, and on the other side of the road there was a man laying next to the highway. Question: Was this near the high school?

February 15: A man advised that there was a horse in the highway and every time he tried to get around it, the horse would run back across the highway. A different caller also advised of a goat in the area. You get a goat and a horse together and this is what happens.

January 1: A caller advised that his mother kept calling him. I didn’t realize you could call the cops for this.

October 19: A man advised that he went hunting and when he returned home, a woman was in his dining room drunk with wine coolers hanging out of her pockets. I’m interested in these pockets. I don’t have pockets awesome big enough to hold wine coolers.

April 23: A caller reported that there was a naked male out on the road and he was coming up their driveway. Why are these people always in the road? Go home, naked man, you’re drunk.

April 26: A man reported a suspicious Suburban pulled into his driveway, so he went out on the porch and fired a warning shot. Because around here, if you take a wrong turn, we’ll shoot at you until you figure it out.

And this gem I’ve actually posted before, but just in case you missed it:

** The police reports were shortened, names and addresses removed, etc, but otherwise are in original form.

Does your local paper provide you with entertainment as well as news? Do drunk people sleep in front of your high school? What about goats? There seems to be an inordinate amount of goat trouble in my neck of the woods.

It's easy to share this post. Not like sharing pie. I would never ask you to share pie.

46 responses to “Jailbirds and Search Terms”

Our police blotter is a cross between yours and Mayberry’s. My favorite one of all time was the woman who called the cops because she said someone broke into her house and ate the vanilla pudding in her fridge. Nothing else was taken, or damaged. We did have a meth lab that got busted, and someone else was running a prostitution ring a long time ago, but the most serious things are usually car break ins and DUIs. But the police blotter is everyone’s favorite part of our local paper.

Right? So weird! We just recently went “wet” – a couple of months ago you couldn’t buy alcohol here at all. We still don’t have a saloon, but I’m hopeful. And yes, DEFINITELY a backwoods-type place. Thank you for laughing and commenting!

We have the occasional horse or cow roaming the streets here — even a bear from time to time, but no goats — and no drunkards outside the high school as far as I know. Our police blotter is boring, but I get plenty of phone calls at the clinic from addicts who have had their pain meds “lost” or “stolen” and they want another RX., My favorite was the woman who told me that she had transferred her pain medications from the prescription bottle to a Benedryl bottle (because it was easier to carry), and then JUST the Benedryl bottle fell out of small hole in the bottom of her purse. I can’t tell you how many bottles of pain meds have been 1) stolen from their car 2) stolen from their house 3) stolen from their purse, or 4) ruined by a leaky pipe (I’m still trying to figure out how that happened).

Some relatives of mine used to live for some years in this lovely little town in Colorado called Crested Butte. The local paper had a column called “Busted in the Butte” and it was not nearly as colorful as this, mostly running to stolen bikes and the like, but there were some gems now and then.

Can you even believe it? And they must’ve been so confused when they ended up here. But I guess “We Don’t Chew Glass” kind of sounds like a place where you might find tips. Like not to chew glass or do meth.

That’s true…I suppose if you’re drunk/strung out by the side of the road and need assistance with your invisible schweddy balls, ‘We Don’t Chew Glass’ might look like a safe haven…and now I’m cracking up again.

This is all MY stuff. Don’t take my stuff.

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