My sewing machine is a beast. No, truly, it is. It’s an industrial needle-feed sewing machine, which means it’s approximately the size, weight, and temperment of a menstruating elephant on caffiene pills.

I love her like no other.

That said, when I bought her, the repair guy I purchased her from gave me an item of advice that started thusly:

“WHEN you sew over your finger and GET THE NEEDLE IMBEDDED THROUGH THE BONE, stay calm and turn the wheel. Don’t pull!”

and ended with:

“and then get the the hospital. They might be able to save the finger if it hasn’t been crushed”

This kind of thing might turn some people off of using an item of machinery that CAN SEW THROUGH BONE, but it only made me love her more. It also made me super wary of her finger-eating power, so I’ve only had a few close calls and no finger loss (yet).

However, I am still a clumsy clumsy dumbass, so don’t be surprised if I end up in this situation:

Pugs are my happy place. They snort, they snuff, they wear cute little costumes while cavorting in meadows and generally being adorable.

And yet, there is this photo. It should be pure win-sauce. I mean, it’s a pug, dressed as a unicorn. In a pumpkin patch. Sounds like win to me! And yet…. it kinda confuses me. What is this? I don’t even….

So weird pug photo, I salute you. You are the first result in google images when I search “Pug in Costume”, which means I see you on an almost daily basis. No lie.

Anyway, I purchased it knowing it would be the most fabulous fabric challenge ever. Also, I’m mean.

The woman at the thrift store counter asked me what I was going to do with it, her tone of voice no different than if I’d been purchasing a bag of dead cockroaches. “I’m sending it to some friends!” I said brightly.

As a side note, while you can make this with peanut butter, the true ants-on-a-log aficionado knows that it’s best with cheesy cheese spread (we use C’est Fromidable! but you may prefer another brand). Just like everything else in this world, it’s better with cheese!

Gentle readers, let me tell you a true story ripped from the pages of my own life.

I probably had a number of bus drivers in my formative years, but I only remember one. She wore a kitty cat sweatshirt, from which she had removed the arms. Her hair clung to her scalp like a felted sheep, and she brazenly smoked her cigarette out the side driver window.

Her name was Thelma.

The very first day she picked us up, she screeched the bus over to the side of the road, yelled at us to be quiet, and when we didn’t comply, roared:

“My name is bus driver Thelma AND I AIN’T NEED NO LOUISE TO DRIVE YOU OFFA CLIFF!”

This is me! Those are my glasses, that is my green cardigan that will never stay closed (but has pockets and is so comfy I wear it all the time anyways), those are my sassy cowboy boots that I scored at the thrift store for $4 (now holey and only to be worn in dry weather to ensure dry feet). And of course, there is a leetle robot.

YERMITS VS. ROBOTS VS APPLES: BATTLE OF INCOMPREHENSIBILY CUTE THINGS, OR MAYBE THINGS DRESSED AS OTHER THINGS WE DIDN’T REALLY TALK ABOUT WHAT TO CALL IT.

This is week eleven! The Theme: Forbidden Lore.

Okay, so I was going to do a Freemason bot for this week’s theme, but have you seen a freemason lately? They wear these aprons? It’s… uh… traditional or something? Anyway, I just couldn’t do it. Freemasonry may have a solid foundation of mystical woowoo and secret, forbidden lore roots, but the apron is a dealbreaker.

But you know who is totally stuffed full of forbidden lore?

Mothereffin Knights Templar. (Actually, it would seem that the freemasons are at least partially responsible for some of the lore surrounding the Templars. OF COURSE.) Anyway, supposedly the Knights Templar know all sorts of things, like where the holy grail is, and the masonic secrets, and how they get the caramel into a caramilk bar.

I am, of course, skeptical. If the Knights Templar knew where the Holy Grail was, they totally could have made nazis drink from it so that they would melt. That could’ve worked, right?

Also I should probably make a Monty Python reference here, to go along with that Indiana Jones one.