Love Advice

Even the best and most successful relationships take a lot of hard workand determination. Someone once that falling in love was just the firstand quite possibly the easiest part of a relationship, those that arenewly in love will likely agree with this statement.

Peopletend to fall in love, enjoy the relationship for several weeks or evenmonths and then begin to feel a tad different about the situation. Ifyou find yourself in that situation, do not worry, it is perfectlynormal. The truth is, love often clouds any shortcomings that yoursignificant other may have, and when everything “new” subsides peoplebegin to focus on the slight imperfections that seemed invisiblebefore.

Here is what you can do, sit down and evaluate ifthese “shortcomings” are in fact something that will make or break therelationship. If the answer is no, then simple discuss your feelingswith your partner and decide if there are things that either of you canadjust in order to make the relationship better. If the answer is trulyyes then perhaps its time to reconsider the relationship as a whole.

Youare always better to make these judgments as close to the beginning ofthe relationship as possible. If you stay in a relationship feelingwishy-washy you will pass those feelings on to your partner and theymay get the wrong idea and want out.

If you discuss anybothering early on then you can often catch them before they really getto you and mend something that can potentially be the best relationshipyou have ever had. After all, all that time in love must have meantsomething to the both of you!

Commitment-shy men. It’s an age old issue, thesource of countless personal aches and social pains, leaving an endlesstrail of wrecked relationships in its wake and a universe ofwhat-might-have-beens. Women can be skittish about making a commitment,of course, but men have raised it to an art form. Why?

Evolutionists, looking for answers in our biology andnatural history, are inclined to see males as the all-terrain vehiclesof insecurity. Women’s bodies move to lunar rhythms and experience thegender reinforcing transformations of menstruation and pregnancy.Bearing one male seed at a time, sensing the ongoing responsibilitiesof parenting, females look to a settled future.

But the ancient jungles and savannas where the modernmale’s hard-wiring was installed were dangerous places, harshlandscapes of deadly warfare, fierce male competition and banishment,and widespread infant mortality. Spared the consequences of pregnancy,mindful of their offspring’s perilous prospects, a male strategy ofplanting seeds far and wide worked its way deep into the modern man’spsyche.

Or maybe men just figured out that sexual variety was the way to some real good times.

THE SEVEN REASONS MEN WON’T ENGAGE

1. ONE SEX PARTNER…FOR ETERNITY?You’ve got to bekidding? Forever?! Never again may I frolic with another woman? Yikes!This prospect alone is sufficient to discourage many males, even thosewho rarely, if ever, get laid. Not without a fight will young malehunters surrender to this forbidding future.

2. KISS FREEDOM GOODBYESeeing himself entangledin interpersonal complications the 21st century male views commitmentas mostly limits and compromises. He won’t get to do what he wants alot of the time, a burden he’ll bear as the price of sexual intimacyfor only so long—or with a grudge.

3. SPACE AND TIME ARE NO LONGER HIS OWNSuddenlythere are strange looking garments in the dryer and the bathroomcounter has been appropriated by bazaar instruments and ointments he’snever heard of. Nothing’s where it’s supposed to be and time is nowdevoted to stuff he never did and doesn’t want to do. Somehow he’sbecome responsible for someone else’s happiness.

4. HE HAS NO SOLID ROLE MODELSHe saw his fatherstruggling with these limitations—that is, if his father was around atall. There’s a good chance today’s maturing male grew up in a brokenhome and/or witnessed his father struggling with fidelity and theresponsibilities of providing for a wife and family.

5. HE SEES WOMEN AS COMPETITORSA product oftoday’s politically-correct culture and educational system, young menoften see women as being the same as they are, except for some amusingdifferences in their plumbing system. In our “liberated” culture themodern man may not even have to pay for dinner, let alone commit toserious responsibility. And if he’s been through divorce and custodybattles the scars may take forever to heal.

6. HE GETS WHAT HE WANTS WITHOUT A COMMITMENTYou’ve heard this one before—it’s the old “why buy the cow if you get the milk for free” thing. Enough said.

7. HE’S NOT READY (THIS IS THE BIGGIE).Therecomes a time when the modern man tires of the chase, sees friendsgetting married and senses time is passing. He begins to long for alife partner and a family. Men don’t commit when they find a compatiblepartner: they find a compatible partner when they’re ready to commit.This is what marriage-minded women need to look out for.

HE SAYS HE’S READY. DOES HE MEAN IT?

Maybe. Does it look like he’s tired of the dating ratrace? Will he accept something less than perfection? Or is he lookingfor Wonder Woman in a swimsuit model? Is there a sense he’s ready towork on problems? Are his assumptions about living together reasonable?Is he settled in a job or career, confident about meeting yourexpectations? If you like the answers to most of thesequestions—and it will take some time to find out—the man in your lifeis marriage-minded. In that case, here are a few ideas to keep in mind.(If he’s not ready, you’re on your own.)

1. GIVE HIM SOME ROPEIt’s no big deal if his eyeswander once in a while. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t prize you or thinkyou’re hot; it means he’s a male. Encourage him go out with his malepals (you can head out with your girlfriends). Show him it’s not aprison he’s entering but a fulfilling adventure.

2. PICK “SERIOUS TALK” TIMES CAREFULLYMen do notenjoy a lot of relationship processing. Do not sweat the small stuff,and resist the need to exhume past history. Instead talk only about thebig stuff, the issues that are really important to you. And bring thisup when he seems relaxed and open.

3. ULTIMATUMS ARE YOUR LAST RESORTExcept inrelatively rare circumstances, ultimatums and deadlines are useless,even destructive. Which doesn’t mean you have to live with currentcircumstances if they’re not to your taste. What it means is thatultimatums should be reasonable and—most important—you have to mean it.If your deadlines come and go, and you’re still there, you’ve announcedthat ultimatums aren’t really important. Not good.

On our progressive culture’s way to sexualequality young males have been relieved of many traditionalresponsibilities. At the same time, they’ve gained easier access to thesexual intimacy they crave. We are living in a time when little isasked of men. Which often means little is offered. Yet, as always, thewomb cries out in youthful women who long for a partner to share theburdens and joys of an enduring relationship, marriage and family. Toget there, women need to surmount both new social expectations andancient male instincts. If they succeed, both men and women will reapthe rewards.

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Michael Gilbert is Youand.me’s consultingeditor and author of The Disposable Male: Sex, Love and Money—YourWorld through Darwin’s Eyes. (www.thedisposablemale.com) He explores gender and relationship issues at the University of Southern California.

Everybody enjoys romantic surprises. They are a good way to show someone that you love them and are thinking about them. There are several types of surprises that a person can choose from – a gift, a creative surprise, or a romantic getaway.

Purchasing a gift is one of the most popular romantic surprises. However, not every gift can be called “romantic,” which makes picking the right one tricky. A common way to express love is with chocolates, wine, and flowers. Fashion accessories are a great way to surprise both men and women. Jewelry and perfumes are well-liked by everyone. Some people are very picky about their accessories. It will not be any less romantic if you take your partner to a luxury boutique, and let them pick out something that they will end up using and enjoying.

Creative surprises can also be romantic. For example, a person can write on a piece of paper all the reason why he or she loves their partner. Cut up the paper, and put each piece in a balloon. The more balloons you fill, the more impressed he or she will be.

Romantic getaways are usually the most appreciated surprises of all. They require a lot of planning, though. They may take time because it is important that everything goes smoothly, and your partner has nothing to worry about. One thing that many forget when planning a romantic getaway outdoors is to look at the weather forecast. A rainy week could ruin a great surprise.

Surprising your loved one with something special is the perfect way to show your love. Gifts make people feel appreciated. Choosing the right gift is important. Doing something unique for your partner can also be considered a romantic surprise. It proves that you are willing to go the extra mile. Romantic getaways require a lot of work and planning. But they will be well worth it in the end.