Harold Bishop's Love Child...and all the crap that comes with it.

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Sunday, 17 May 2015

Best Charity Shop Purchase Ever.

Back in February, I found what I claim to be the best item ever put up for a sale in a charity shop. It was a small picture of oft killed-too-soon actor Sean Bean, printed straight from the internet with the 'draft' print setting and placed in the cheapest frame available. For only 99p! I naturally jumped on this, handed over a pound and gave a "just keep the change, I'm a charitable kind of guy" nod to the cashier.

When I got it home, I refused to take the 99p price tag off and put it in pride of place of our living room bookshelf, right in front of the scan of my unborn daughter. Naturally while this was completely fine with me, my fiancee didn't like the positioning of Sean Bean and removed it. So I placed it back. She removed it again. I put it back. She hid Sean. I found Sean and put him back...and so on and so on.

One night I was looking at my Sean picture, relegated to the top shelf and hidden behind other family photos. I couldn't understand why anyone wouldn't want Sean Bean's handsome and rugged face, his sharpe (GREAT PUN RIGHT THERE) suits and his untameable hair in pride of place to show off to visitors, home invaders and invited in Jehovah's Witnesses. He's Ned Stark for christ sake. He'd motherflippin' Boromir! HE PLAYED SHARPE! HE PLAYED SHARPE! HE. PLAYED. SHARPE!

So 57 printed pictures of Sean Bean later, this happened....

No photo was safe. No photo went un-Bean'd. Improvements were made. I'm now sexually confused.

Thursday, 18 July 2013

The following letter has been sent to The Queen on behalf of every person in the UK who has been made to feel intimidated and uneasy while visiting a lovely boating lake or pond.

Her Majesty The Queen

Buckingham Palace

London SW1A 1AA

Your Majesty,

I have a pressing question that I feel only you, as Queen Protector Of All Gracious Swans, can answer me.

Like most people in the UK, it has been drummed into me since birth that the humble Swan has the power to break your arm with its wing. This is a terrifying thought as Swans are known to get quite shirty and I’ve been eyed up and chased numerous times while walking around the local boating lake.

I feel that the Swan is preying on this fear, using it to scare people into dropping bread, wallet, keys etc during the inevitable chase that happens. As such, I was wondering if it is okay to pre-emptively strike a Swan? Running away just leads to even more Swan cockiness and they’re already way too strutty with their long necks and “oh, look at me!” fluffy white plumage. As a man, I need to show it who’s boss and I’d rather do that before we get into a proper scrap where I stand a chance of having my arm broken,

It would be great to have this answered before I get pulled by a Royal Swan Protection Officer.

I have the honour to be, Madam, Your Majesty's humble and obedient servant.