Mary Louise Parker says Jennifer Lopez shoved her to grab Prince William and Kate Middleton's attention at their royal BAFTA party: "I didn't meet them. I was shoved out of the way by Jennifer Lopez. Uh oh, I shouldn't have said that." To reinforce her instant feeling of regret and dread, let's blow this into a hyperbolic J. Lo diva meltdown story. Barbarian Lopez Tramples Actress! 'Weeds' Hottie Smokin' Mad! Because what is the point of blogging, if not to turn the briefest flickering of celebrities' imaginations into reality? Dreams really do come true, Mary Lou. If you dread it, we will come. [People, images via Getty]

Lady Gaga's over processed, wig-torn "head of glass" is balding, and she might be using Rogaine to fix it. You'd think Gaga would have a fancier hair-growth strategy than over-the-counter middle-aged man serum, no? [Celebitchy]

Charlie Sheen's ex-wife Brooke Mueller got into a "belligerent" swearing match with a United flight attendant on a flight from L.A. to Cancun and was either "removed from the plane" or voluntarily left "in a huff." [TMZ]

Tiger Woods' ex, Elin Nordegren, has a new boyfriend. And he's the heir to billions. Once you go filthy rich elitist, you can't go back. [P6]

Kristen Stewart got into a fender-bender. "Looking slightly flustered, Stewart left her car to inspect the damage and exchange information with the unidentified driver." Then the driver grabbed her and whisked her into the tree tops as his skin began to sparkle. Drives like a Cullen out of hell. How did I forget? she asked herself, writhing with ecstasy as her beloved Edward turned her into a sexy blood sausage. [Us]

The "something new" of Kim Kardashian's wedding will be her mother Kris Jenner's face. She got a new one in anticipation of the Bridezilla Bonanza of the Century. [E!]

Is Jon Hamm's appetite for alcohol as a big as his salami? "He was absolutely blind drunk!" a random person told the National Enquirer. (So take the tale with a human-sized pillar salt.) "I was walking in as he was leaving around midnight, and as I opened the door for him, he almost fell out of the bar. I asked him if he was alright as he tripped out of the door and mumbled something incoherently. Jennifer followed right behind him and rolled her eyes." [Enquirer, Celebitchy]

Nicolas Cage's weird goth son Weston put on his best pair of harem pants and did a bunch of karate moves for the paparazzi, including a roundhouse kick and the splits. Did I mention he's in the midst of a messydomestic violence dispute, with his wife of two months? They spent their honeymoon in rehab. She is a self-proclaimed pregnant drunkard. [Celebitchy, X17, image via Pacific Coast News]

When did Chris Colfer find out that his character is getting kicked offGlee? "Yesterday on Twitter. Yeah, I found out that they made that announcement. I didn't necessarily know that it was going to be our last season next year, I knew something like that was coming up eventually. I mean, we can't be there forever." [AccessHollywood, People]

Speaking of Glee, Sons of Anarchy star Kurt Sutter tweeted some choice words about it: "fuck glee. hate those annoying, 'please accept me for who i am', singing brats. there, i said it. are you happy? I love ryan murphy. he's always very cool with me. love glee too. just tired of all the jizz piling up at its feet." This seems to be the relationship all of Glee's recappers have with the show, too. [Celebitchy]

Eva Longoria's Vegas nightclub is in bankruptcy, but the publicity vultures at Ashley Madison—the dating site for adulterers—may step in to turn it into "THE exclusive restaurant and club in Las Vegas for discrete meetings and intimate encounters." Almost as moronic as using Twitter to send secret pictures of your genitals! They should consider moving it to D.C. [Radar]