I had been with my boyfriend for almost a year when I found out I was pregnant.

I had been with my boyfriend for almost a year when I found out I was pregnant. After feeling really exhausted, a change in my boobs and tender lower tummy. We were both in our early 20s and at university, he was in his final year of medicine. I have PCOS(polycystic ovary syndrome) and thought I would struggle becoming pregnant however we always used condoms. (I wasn't on the pill as it started giving me migraines). Also my bf had issues which meant it was unlikely for him to conceive easily. However the condom came off once by accident, I didn't think anything of it because I was over a week over due for my period. I had been taking Metformin for my PCOS which had been regulating my periods but due to stress of uni, I had stopped taking them a month or two before. My bf and I had spoken about accidental pregnancy before in a hypothetical sense and I had always said I was pro-choice but I would not put myself in that situation. He never really seemed to put forward a strong opinion either way on the hypothetical discussion but he always said it was ultimately my decision and it would be ok whatever happened. So when I found out I was pregnant, I was in complete shock. No emotion. I was just petrified and couldn't sit still. Straight away I rang up the GPs and luckily got an appointment with a female doctor the same day. As soon as I started speaking to her I broke down in tears. She was the first person I told and it was the first time I had spoke the words, "I'm pregnant". I was worried what she would say to me but i can’t thank her enough, she knew straight away. She rung up the local early pregnancy unit and made me an appointment the next working day (after the weekend). I instantly felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders as I thought it would all go away soon.

I text my bf when I got home to call me when he finished work. He was working 2 hours away at the time. A few hours later he called me, I told him everything. He listened to me and said he would come with me to the appointments. We agreed to chat over the phone an hour or two later once everything had settled in. However everything changed in those couple of hours! He spoke to his mum and text me "my mum says congratulations :)". I couldn't believe my eyes. How could anyone be so inappropriate and insensitive. Even if it was a planned pregnancy I had always planned to not to tell anyone until the pregnancy was well established. I called him up and he had completely changed heart. He told me how his mother wanted another grandchild and he wanted children. He told me that i would move to his home town near his parents so he could look after me and his baby. This would mean I would have to drop out of uni and be away from all my friends and family. He wouldn't even consider moving to where I was studying so I could stay in education and he could apply for job in a hospital near me.

I think everyone would want to have a financially supportive partner and I did. But I knew how stressful being a newly qualified doctor was through friends and I knew it would be impossible for us to do this. Also the prospect of being completely dependent on him scared the death out of me because I wouldn't have a job or a degree so every financial decision would be his. On top of everything, his parents were fighting for custody with their other son for my bf's niece as they disapproved of their ex daughter in law. I was scared this could be me one day. There really wasn't a decision for me to make, there was no option for me to keep the pregnancy so in that sense it was easy. However dealing with my bf was the hardest part of everything. He threatened me with everything and really messed with my head. He had been controlling of me in the past but as it didn't really have any major impacts, I just went along with it. However it had been getting worse and then when this happened I just knew it would just spiral out of control. He came over the weekend before my initial appointment and together we told my parents. They said they would support me whatever I chose. Neither of us changed our minds so he left the night before my appointment and as we said goodbye he said, "Please don't kill my baby". When he got back to his, he rang me up and dumped me over the phone.

I had suffered with depression in the past and had been creeping up on me the last few months so when this happened, I just imploded. I was on the verge of becoming suicidal. I just assumed if you were months away from becoming a qualified doctor like my bf you would be understanding of depression and early termination but my bf just wasn't. Never ever had I considered that in my life I would be pregnant and single. My mum came with me to my appointment in the morning, I couldn't stop crying all the way there. I couldn't avoid what was growing inside me, I had always wanted a baby. My heart was broken. I had the scan and I asked to see the screen but as I was so early I had to wait for another 2 weeks for my medical abortion as it would be too small for the nurses to see and therefore they wouldn't be able confirm the termination had been successful at this stage and would likely have to go through it twice. I couldn't believe this and that I would have to stay pregnant even longer than I could bare. The gynaecologist also told me that PCOS doesn't make you infertile, it just means that more often than not and in my case, I ovulate at a different time in my cycle than usual which explains why I had a long cycles and became pregnant. I told my bf the situation but said I was still going ahead. I was still in love with him and was struggling to come to terms with the fact that if I was going to end the pregnancy that he would end the relationship forever. I didn't want to hurt him any more or affect his future relationships so later that week I told him I had a miscarriage. I still don't to this day regret that decision to lie to him.

I had my medical abortion on the NHS with my mum by my side. Everything went smoothly and i was dealt with very sensitively. I don't have a bad thing to say about my abortion on the NHS. The night before the termination was the hardest, I barely slept. I stayed up all night crying alone clutching my tummy. Taking the initial tablets was hard. Once the nurse put the tablets on the desk, she said she would leave the room for 5 minutes so I could think about my decision as this would be final. I cried so much and hugged my mum as there was a voice inside my head thinking how lovely it would be to hold my own baby. The nurses returned and I decided to take the tablets. The second visit was a lot easier for me as I knew the pregnancy was already no longer developing. The nurses were very attentive and collected my pans I had to use as soon as i passed clots in the bathroom. It was physically painful and I saw my foetus. I spent a few minutes in the bathroom alone with it. I think it would seem weird to most but even though I wasn't in the right place to continue the pregnancy, I still was in awe of what was in front of me and to me it was something more than just cells to me. I knew I had done the right thing for me and my potential child.

I still think about what could've been to this day. I gave my foetus a name, Alpha that I've never told anyone. I don't regret the choice I made for my pregnancy. My bf and I stayed friends but then less than a month later I found out he had been dating another woman since before my pregnancy. We haven't spoken since. I ended up meeting my current boyfriend a couple months after, I can't explain how happy I am now. I now have a non-hormonal IUD but I do plan to have children in the future when the time is right. I wish I could tell myself at my lowest point that it does get better, you deserve better and you will find happiness and it will be sooner than you think. It is important to remember to trust my instincts as a human being and no one knows what is right for me and my life apart from me.

Editor's Comment

It sounds as though you have been through a difficult end to your relationship as well as facing an unintended pregnancy. Your boyfriend was not sure of his own feelings about the pregnancy and then clearly changed his mind once he realised you were expecting a baby. It is not until you are faced with a situation like this that you realise what your true feelings are. I hope that you are recovering well, but please contact CareConfidential if you need some more support. for post abortion support.