Revision as of 12:18, January 1, 2012

"Whatchu Lookin' At, Willis?"

Matt "Maniac Cop" Cordell is one of Americas sweethearts of New York's Finest ZombiePolice Department. He is also a three time Miss America runner up. Matt shot himself to fame in 1989 when he became the beautiful bride of Jason Voorhees after their appearance on "The Dating Game". Matt is also widely known for his ability to come back from the dead, enjoys long walks on the beach and playing "Marco-Polo" in sexy mini-skirts. Matt also holds a record in the "Guineapigs Book of World Records" as being the only man in known history whose sperm glows in the dark.

Contents

Mini Maniac

"Matty Moos" was born in Manhattan in 1957 to Mr and Mr's Cordell as a 13 pound bouncing baby boy with such adorable cute looks that he won his first of many cutest baby awards when he was just four months old. His mother was a repressed model who never won any awards, so she forced her need to win onto her only son. By the time Matt was five years old, he had already won nineteen 1st place trophies in various baby cuteness contests all over the United States. By the time he was 15 years old he was developing a psychotic personal hatred towards his mother for putting so much pressure on him as an adolescent, when all he wanted to do was be a normal American boy, find a gun, and shoot other kids in the playground.

Matt showed his first signs of a physiological hatred towards his mother when he ripped her tits clean off during one of her lectures about how he needed to puke up all his food when he was done eating them instead of letting them digest in his system. Matt was sent to counseling to learn to control his built up aggression but during an argument with his now tittie-less mother when he was 16, for coming 2nd in a Miss Teenage Beauty contest, he spited his mother by eating an entire box of donuts in front of her face. His mother threatened to disown him if he ate the last donut, saying only pigs ate donuts and if he wanted to eat them, he may as well become a cop, and waste his beautiful looks that could potentially lead him to be a Miss Universe winner.

Matt had had quite enough of his mother pressuring him into these beauty contests, so he grabbed a knife and began cutting up his gorgeous face while stuffing cherry-nut flavored donuts down his throat and blowing raspberry's at his mother. Matt's mother then fell to her knees in an outburst of tears and told Matt he was no longer her son. His mother's final words to her now disowned son was, "You are a monster; you are no longer my son; you are nothing but a maniac faced pig".

Officer Matt Cordell

Matt stopped to pose for a picture while he was burning to death just after saving Commandant Henry Brewster from Hulk Hogans idiotic misconception

Now that Matt was free from his mother's overshadowing embrace to be a Miss Universe winner, he decided to join the Police Academy as a way to get over the trauma induced from his upbringing. Matt enlisted in the Academy and became known as quite a misfit in the beginning, due to his resentment of elderly authority telling him what do to all the time. But soon Matt was becoming a promising future prospect for the police force, and graduated from the Academy in 1985 with the highest honors a cadet can receive after an incident where the police academy cadets where accidentally sent into the heart of a riot taking place and their Captain was taken prisoner by a crook and a dismissed cadet and 6'9 black florist rescued them... it was just after the event that a cadet named Tackleberry was headbutting his squad car for missing out on the event when Hulk Hogan turned up, thought Tackleberry needed assistance in beating the crap out of the squad car, and Hogan picked the car up and slammed it, then gave it an atomic leg drop. However, in the process, when Hogan slammed the car, he had unknowingly ruptured the cars fuel-line and the atomic leg drop he was about to give it was about to cause an explosion that would have killed Commandant Uncle Henry Brewster (who was still inside the vehicle) in a quick act of heroic thinking. What happened was just as Hogan was about to take flight for the leg drop, Matt punched in the windows of the vehicle and dragged the Commandant out to safety, just before Hogan dropped his leg on the car which caused it to explode.

However, in the heat of the action, Matt had kept Henry Brewster out of harms way, however the debris of the explosion had caught Matt and set him on fire, burning 95% of his body that almost ended his life. Luckily, he survived, and was honored at the PA graduation with the highest honors award of bravery for risking his own life for the Commandants.

Matt was now a fully deputized member of the NYPD and soon hit the streets of New York where he instantly rose the ranks to become one of the finest boys in blue the big apple had ever seen... Matt swore to uphold the law, serve the public trust, protect the innocent, and not take a bribe for under 35 bucks. Matt's reputation for being a hard ass, but a fair hard ass, proceeded him when word got around that he was so old school, he wouldn't take a bribe for under 36 bucks. Now that is a real bad ass in blue!

NYPD's Finest Maniac Falls In Love

Awwww ... *sniff*

In 1989 an APB was sent out that a masked retard was walking through glass windows and abusing ghetto blasters in the down town vicinity. Matt was the officer to arrive on the scene, and that's when he met the love of his life, Jason Voorhees. Jason was new in town and a bit frustrated because he couldn't locate a dog and these two "friends" he was supposed to be meeting. Matt offered to take the misunderstood goalie mask wearing man to a homeless shelter and when Matt extended his hand to Jason to come along with him, it was love at first feel. Chemistry ignited in their first touch, and Matt and Jason hit it off and chatted together over a happy meal before Matt took him to the shelter where he kissed Jason goodnight and gave him a quick hand job to show he was really falling for him.

The two knew something special was happening when Matt informed Jason he would personally help him find a job in NYC the next day and get him back on his feet. He got Jason a job as a local florist, and the romance between them bloomed so quickly that soon they had moved in together and where enjoying attending matinée theater and killing hookers together. On the night they went to attend Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical Cats, it was then when Jason discovered what his calling in life was to be. He wanted to be an actor. Matt thought the idea seemed silly, as Jason was a mute, but wanted to make his soul-mate happy, so for Jason's 25th birthday, he bought Jason a plane ticket to Hollywood to go and try out for some screen tests with Paramount Pictures where they had the perfect role for Jason to play in a remake of the classic movie, "Debbie Does Dallas".

Maniac Cop

Matt's 1985 Colgate Toothpaste With Acid Tartar Control Commercial

After Jason had left to pursue a career in Hollywood, Maniac's sexual frustration grew wild and out of control. He awaited the return of his masked lover for several weeks, but began to grow suspicious that Jason may have been seeing another killer after a report was broadcast on Entertainmentless Tonight, indicating rumors that Leatherface and Jason where Hollywood's newest hottest couple. This news infuriated Matt so much that he began a killing spree on the streets of New York. Sure, Matt and Jason used to enjoy killing hookers, and the city didn't care as a hooker is 35 bucks an hour by the dozen, but now innocent people where being murdered, and what made it even worse, the victims were successful employed white men & women, so this caused NYC to go into a panic of hysteria. Matt would roam the streets of NYC each night and take out his sexual frustration and heartache on anyone he felt like. Reports began to surface that the killings where being done by a guy in a NYC police uniform, so the people of New York lived in complete fear whenever they saw a cop. Something had to be done about this, and the only way to catch a maniac, was to send a maniac.

Send a Maniac To Catch A Maniac

Officers Tango & Cash are called upon to stop the Maniac Cop, because Rambo is a pussy

Officer Gaylord Cash

The NYPD needed the help of someone special who could track down and kill the maniac cop that was loose on the city streets. At first they wanted to enlist the help of Rambo, but officer Gaylord Cash spoke up and said, "Rambo, is a pussy". He informed the NYPD that he could do it, all he needed was his partner Ray Tango to be thawed out from his cryogenic frozen imprisonment where he was serving time for Escaping from L.A to New York on bogus charges for not putting the toilet seat down at his Californian precinct. Cash got his wish and the officers Tango & Cash set out to hunt down Cordell and put an end to his crime spree of killings.

The duo hunted down and found The Maniac Cop eating the brains of a victim he had just slaughtered, a hooker who he also raped before killing. Cash raised his gun at Matt and said, "Judging by your diet, I'd say you're not into counting calories" while Tango proceeded to slam a chair down on Matt's throat and sat on it, then administered a really hard punch that broke Matt's jaw. The two then arrested Matt and took him to headquarters to be charged with murder and shoplifting for not paying the hooker he raped and killed.

The papers the next day announced that the Maniac Cop had been found and arrested and that peace could be reinstated on the good citizens of New York, but the battle was not over yet. Being an officer of the law, Matt knew his rights, and that Tango had no right to use a chair and sit on it when breaking his jaw. So the issue had to be resolved in a court of law under the rulings of the honorable Judge Dredd. Cordell gave a testimony that Tango had assaulted him, and Tango used a chair to sit on his throat while he cuffed him. Tango's defense was he couldn't find a piano. Matt also told the court that Tango had broken his jaw in three different places. The charges of excessive force were laid against Tango & Cash, and Matt Cordell had all charges dropped against him, so he was free to go.

Badger Of Silence

The release of Cordell back onto the streets did not sit well with Tango & Cash. Together they hunted down Cordell later that day and found Cordell driving a fuel truck that Cordell had hijacked to drive into a movie studio that had made a really crappy movie called Pocket Ninjas... which you can't blame Cordell for wanting to do, but still, he was a psychotic killer that needed to be stopped. Tango and Cash drove their RV from hell past the truck and stopped a mile down the road where they turned the car around and aimed it's mini-gun at the truck. The RV fired and took out the trucks tires which remarkably caused the truck to come to a screeching halt and Cordell was projected out through the cabins front sugar-glassed window and sent Matt hurtling to the ground.

More police arrived on the scene and they searched the truck, one officer was pissed with Tango & Cash stating there was nothing in the trucks trailer... Cash drew his gun and shot the trailer which caused the hidden fuel in the fuel tank to explode. Cash replied with, "Whoops... I thought it would just snow" as the air filled with a mushroom cloud of fire. During the explosion's distraction of killing all the officers on the truck searching it, Matt got up off the ground and caught Tango from behind, twisting his head and snapping his neck causing instant death. Cash spun his head around to see Tango's dead body laying at Cordell's feet, but instead of shooting Cordell, he said, "To catch a maniac, you have to send a maniac" he then un-robed his suit and tie and removed his shirt and pants, leaving him in nothing but a pair of American flag colored boxer shorts. Cash then put on a pair of red boxing gloves and told Cordell, "Lets finish this, once and for all"

Matt grabbed a night-stick and raised it as he ran at Cash, and as he got close enough, Cash uppercut him in the jaw breaking it once again. Matt hit the floor, and Cash began dancing around him taunting him to get up while he sparred punches with the air, Matt rose to his feet and started attacking Cash with his night-stick in typical police trained techniques usually reserved to beat up innocent black guys in L.A with... Tango's eyes became so bruised up that it looked like a pair of bruised vagina's had taken a beating from Tackleberry's head-butts.

It looked like it was about to all come to and end for Cash, but suddenly out of nowhere, Cash found a humongous machine gun and began humming "Eye of the Tiger" and in a split second, Tango was releasing round after round of machine gun bullets into Matt Cordell. The gun fire blasts lasted for a few minutes as Tango screamed having flashbacks to Vietnam. Then when there was no ammunition left, he pulled a hunting knife out of his patriotic boxer shorts and plunged it into the heart of Cordell who finally fell backwards dead on the ground. Tango then looked up to the sky and yelled out, "I DID IT AIDRIANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN"... which we have no idea who Adrian was, but he said it okay?

The NYPD lost many good officers in the heat of battle that day, but they did not lose their lives in vain. A psychotic murderer who went on a killing rampage because his soul-mate had cheated on him, and his mother didn't love him like she should when he was a child; was no more. A state funeral was held for Tango, who was buried right next to Cordell's body was, held a few short days later. Cash said his final goodbyes to his friend that died in the line of duty... but whispered to the headstone of Tango that at least they got the bad guy in the end, and now peace would be restored to the city of New York.

Justice Is Dead

....~ Jason's comment on the loss of his soul mate

The sun started to shine threw the clouds, and birds began to chirp, Cash saluted the grave of Tango and then noticed some children playing in the park across the road. His heart felt pure, and he could feel Tango smiling down upon him, like everything was going to be just fine and he would live happily ever after.
Then Jason Voorhees grabbed Cash from behind and twisted his neck clean off while he dug a machete into his heart.