Thursday, September 12, 2013

How to be a CHC Christian by James Tan

I thought this was too hilarious not to share. Actually this can apply to most churches unfortunately. I found this amusing because I've spent my entire life living under such a conservative regime. I had to leave the system because I was tired of defending a system that I no longer believed in. I worship a living God, not a book. I disagree with certain aspects of the bible and I can no longer attend a church which believes that the Bible is the absolute Word of God.

I believe that the worship of God should be genuine, heart felt, and not manufactured or fabricated - that's akin to spiritual masturbation. Ask yourself - is your spiritual experience genuine or are you just following the crowd - going along with everyone else? Is it hysterics? Human emotion?

I don't want to be moved by the voice of a man, by some clever words, by atmospherics (the light piano church music), - that is pure theatre, showmanship - and has nothing to do with the power of God.

I want to experience the presence of God - I don't want my religious experience to be manufactured.

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How to become a CHC Christian Now! by James Tan.

19 Steps to becoming City Harvest Church member

1. Confess to the world that you love Jesus, and intend to follow Him
and devote your life to Him. It does not matter if you do not mean it,
just saying it will guarantee acceptance from your CHC brothers and sisters.

2. Acquire the skill of speaking in tongues, get water-baptized and
claim you feel that your life has been change. Do not pass on any
opportunity to claim that your conversion is attributed to Kong Hee
only.

3. Attend all CHC services and events. In case you fail to
go to service, follow the service on your iPad, iPhone, or Mac
Workbook. Consequently post some willy nilly phrases on your facebook to
create the impression that you were in church. If you do not own a iPAd
or iPhone, pretend to put money in the envelope yet instead use it to
purchase this necessity.

4.Use following rules of conduct during worship:

-- Put your face into the “gaze into eternity” mode: practice to perfection in front of the mirror.

--Sing along with all the songs. If you do not know the words, pretend
as the music is so loud that nobody will tell the difference

--Always stand up when asked to do so, and start to clap frantically
when Kong Hee releases the “Let’s-give-the-lord-a-clap” command.

-- Wiping away a tear once in a while and sighing every 4 minutes might
get you on the video screen. This earns respect from fellow worshippers

-- Shout “Amen”, “Hallelujah”, “Praise the lord”, “Thank you Jesus” or
read the words in bold on the screen out loud, when instructed by Kong
Hee.

--This is also the time to put your newly acquired
“speaking in tongues” into practice. Don't be nervous and do not hold
back, just shut down your brain and make it up as you go along.
everybody else does. A few beers before service might help.

--Extra devotional points, and guaranteed camera coverage can be
obtained by falling to the floor, shaking your body, laughing
frantically while yelling “AH-JAYSUS”

--If any first timers
stand up next to you, be the first to welcome them to the greatest
church in Singapore. If hot and sexy, hug them.

--Always check
who is sitting next to you. Ensure you are seated next to good looking
fellow members. Chances are, Kong Hee will ask you to hug them, or hold
their hand. And when, no need to hold back, give it a good squeeze as
Kong Hee has allowed you to do.

5. Every service, make sure
you put a large amount of money in the bucket. Make sure that everyone
in your vicinity sees you giving money. Try to get camera attention by
letting the tears run from your eyes. If you have no money, pretend, the
room is too dark for anybody to notice. Better to keep the money for
the cellgroup meeting’s offering, so you can boast how generous you are,
and avoid being reported to Kong Hee.

6. When listening to Kong
Hee, or your CHC friends, occasionally confuse something they say with
something that Jesus had said. This will impress them, and they will
think highly of you. Or at least you will not be blacklisted yet.

7. Stop reading the Bible. Only read from your notes from CHC Bible
school, or the services. Preferably learn following verses by heart, or
have page markers, so you can quickly pull them out:

Malachi 3:10 Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my
house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not
throw open the floodgates of heavenAND POUR OUT SO MUCH BLESSING THAT
THERE WILL NOT BE ROOM ENOUGH TO STORE IT.

Joshua 1:8 for then thou shalt make thy way PROSPEROUS, and then thou shalt HAVE GOOD SUCCESS

Isaiah 54:17 No weapon that is formed against thee shall PROSPER;

3 John 1:2 I wish above all things that thou mayest PROSPER and be in HEALTH, even as thy soul PROSPERETH

Phil 4:18 But my God SHALL SUPPLY ALL YOUR NEED ACCORDING TO HIS RICHES …

2 Cor 8:9 For ye know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that, though he was RICH (important to stop the verse right here )

Job 8:5,7and make the habitation of thy righteousness PROSPEROUS. 7 Though thy
beginning was small, yet thy latter end should GREATLY INCREASE

Job 22:25 Yea, the Almighty shall be thy defence, and thou shalt have PLENTY OF SILVER.

Avoid any verses that sound like: suffering of Christ -- Camels going
thru needle eyes -- Thou shall be content -- the Son of God had nowhere
to lay is head -- Thou shall not add anything to the Word of God --
Only 2 maximum 3 can speak in tongues -- False prophets come with great
signs … and discard all the verses where God kills firstborns,
pregnant women, as you have not learned to put them into context, it
might damage your gullible spirituality.

8. Regularly quote Kong
Hee. This will impress other CHC’ers of your “Biblical” knowledge, even
if you do not know squat about theology.

9. Believe in all Kong
Hee’s, or CHC guest’s revelations, regardless of how silly they may
seem. Even if you do not believe in them, just pretend, same as
everybody else.

10. Abandon all sound reason and critical
thinking. This is imperative. It is not possible to become an honest CHC
member if you question Kong Hee’s teachings with reason or scepticism.
This would be the fastest way for you to become a “backslider”.

11. Smile a lot to everyone you see. Say you love them even when you
hate them. You must pretend at all costs, to love your worst enemies
even if it kills them in the end. This is even more valid towards NCC
and FCBC members. See also next point.

12. Attempt to convert
your “unbelieving” friends. This means mainstream Christians, as well as
NCC and FCBC non-believers. Make an ass out of yourself to the point of
getting them angry. Make sure you always keep smiling and tell them how
much you love them. This will escalate their anger and leave you fully
satisfied. If they persist, claim that they are in league with the Devil
and only faith in Jesus can release them (make sure you keep smiling).

13. If anyone presents reasonable arguments against CHC, simply go into
denial. Say that their tempting only makes your faith grow stronger.
Never submit to them. No worries, after 3 services or so, the Kong Hee
mantra “Do not let them hijack your faith” will kick in automatically.

14. If anybody quotes a verse from the Bible that contradicts Kong
Hee’s position, simply say that they're taking that verse out of
context. The out-of-context ploy will get you out of many difficult
situations and will make it seem that you actually understand the
correct context when in fact you don't.

15. Advertise your CHC membership.
Examples: keep a Kong Hee (for the females*) or Sun Ho (for the males*)
picture in your wallet or use him as your wallpaper. Always positive to
wear Ed Hardy clothes from Christian Audigier or accessories from Skin
Couture. * The reverse is not allowed as Kong Hee does not like gay
people.

16. Show unconditional support to Kong Hee. If the
situation requires, drag banners into service or call to arms on the
internet. Violently disagree when accused of idolizing Kong Hee or Sun
Ho

17. Marry within the church and send your kids to the free-of
charge brainwash sessions in “children’s church. Profess family values.
If you catch your hubby cheating on you, never let CHC know. Never get a
divorce, regardless of how miserable you both feel. If the news does
get out, pray you have money so you can have the Jack Neo treatment.

18. Buy all the "devotional" material that is on offer. Make sure your
cell group leader hears about this. If it is Sun Ho developed stuff, buy
in 10-fold to ensure extra blessings.

19. The ultimate
sacrifice and all time will always be: Give your
possessions away to CHC. The Bible says give all you have to anyone who
asks (Luke 6:30). Kong Hee is asking every week to give him all your
money, to sell your house, car,… Warning: If you do not do this, you are
disobeying a direct Jesus request. However, if you do obey this
command, Kong Hee will guarantee you a Christian position and you will
garner his greatest esteem and respect until the well dries up.