TV: What Happened To Kimmy Gibbler ~ I went to college with Andrea Barber, who played Kimmy Gibbler on the odious Full House (which I’m proud to say I’ve never seen). You’ll be happy to know that Andrea was a lovely person who went on to have a real life.

Kerry says United States cannot be ‘spectators to slaughter’ in Syria ~ So we’re just gonna change the channel to something a little less ugly, like we did in Rwanda. And Argentina. And Grenada. And Cambodia. And Panama. And Sri Lanka. And Vietnam.And China. And Serbia. And Brazil. And Iraq. And Ivory Coast. And Libya. And North Korea. And Mexico. And Chechnya. And Afghanistan. And Pakistan. And Rangoon. And Zimbabwe. And Egypt. And Sudan. And Central Africa¹ And Saudi Arabia. And…

Just Go Ahead And Die So We Can Get Around To Promising “NEVER AGAIN.”

Man shot after performing forced fellatio~ At the risk of sounding arrogant, I just can’t see this happening to me. If a dude ever put a gun to my head and demanded I go down on him, I’d give him the best damn BJ he ever had in his life. Afterwards, he wouldn’t even be able walk, let alone shoot me.

Sheriff’s Office: Man died after being pulled over ~ “I mean before! He died before he was pulled over. No wait–it was after, but…well, what the hell are we all doing sitting around flapping our jaws? A man’s been beaten to death and dumped in the back seat of a police cruiser–we need to be out there looking for the killers!”

Should Obamacare Be Repealed? Vote in Urgent National Poll ~ If we can get enough people to vote, we can repeal Obamacare! Yes–that’s what we’d be saying if the United States were more like American Idol, and just any uninformed wingnut with a hair up his ass could vote directly on pending legislation. In fact, the United States is a republic, which means you may need to look up the term fait accompli right after you vote in this urgent national poll.

Tigers’ pain: Omar Infante’s wrist broken; so is Alex Avila’s heart ~ Hopefully they’ll be distracted bu the knowledge that in meekly allowing the San Francisco Giants to figuratively bugger them in the course of sweeping the 2012 World Series they have not only brought further shame to an already ignominious and blighted city, but wounded the venerable heart of baseball itself.

You Go Ahead And Be Mad At Us All You Want; We’re Doing What We Think Is Right. When Get Your Stomach Under Control We Think You’ll Agree That There Are People Out There Who Desperately Need To See This.

Analysis: Why Both Romney and Obama Campaigns Say They’re Winning ~ Because they’re politicians and they’re accustomed to spouting deliberate falsehoods since they know that about 50% of the electorate will make the conscious decision to buy into the line despite a staggering collection of evidence to the contrary. They don’t really even have to try any more.

The Trouble with My Daughter’s DNA ~ “Well, the trouble isn’t so much with your daughter’s DNA, sir; no, her DNA is fine. It’s just that…well, that the…Christ, Mr. Johnson–this is really a conversation you ought to be having with your wife right now.”

We Used To Think That Someday This Might Be Our Future. But Life Swiftly Taught Us That Such Merry Dreams Were Never Meant For The Likes Of Us.

Could Obama Become the Next FDR? ~ Listen, you can disagree with the man all you want, but you cross a line when you publicly wish crippling polio on the President of the United States. Not cool, dude.

In Sandy’s wake, can Jersey Shore be saved?~ CAN it be saved? As in, ‘Is saving the Jersey Shore something we have the ability to do?’ That’s not the question we should be asking ourselves right now, and we think you know it. Go ahead–just say what we’re all thinking.

Help! My Sister Is Being Slut-Shamed by Her Fiancé’s Family. ~ Well, if you wanted to help out a little bit on your end, maybe you could think of a term for it with not so much “slut” and just a tad less “shame.” Hussyrassment? HOranguing? Tramp-Dampening? Whatever you call it, you’re a shitty sister.

Biden, President Clinton double team on Romney ~ This will likely build some much-needed bridges between Republicans and Democrats. You just can’t look at a guy the same way after you’ve felt his stubbly chin nestled between your shoulder-blades.

Two Powerful, Driven, Beautiful Men. Fate Made Them Enemies. Love Made Them Something More. Oooh, We’re Getting Goosebumps Just Thinking About It.

¹ In fairness, the president “claims” to have quit in 2011. Why the snarky quotes? Because as a former smoker myself, I know how very hard it can be to wrest oneself from the grip of that pernicious addiction. It’s enough of a chore even without the prospect of a soul-taxing marathon slugfest to avoid the historical ignominy of being a one-termer in what looks to be the closest election since 1960. The FUCK he quit smoking. ∞ T.

What Happens When You Get Sick Overseas ~ That depends. If, for example, you get sick someplace like the United Kingdom, you go to a hospital and likely get better. However, if you fall ill in a dusty backwater like Chad, at the very least you’re gonna lose a leg.

Photo: Did the Little Mermaid get plastic surgery? ~ The ‘Little Mermaid’ of myth & legend, you mean? You’re asking if a fictional character underwent a real-life procedure? No. No, she didn’t. However, Snow White did have that nasty third nipple removed.

By Smaktakula

Please. That Is SO 1998.

Humanity is no stranger to hate. Throughout its long and bloody history, Homo sapiens has always managed to find a worthwhile reason not just to oppose another group’s political and social agenda, but to despise and fear the individuals who comprise the group. For every enmity there is an excuse–politics, the Indian-Pakistani conflict over Kashmir; sexual identity, as in various parts of Africa or North Korea where homosexuality is too greatly feared as an abstract concept to even be acknowledged; religion, such as the recent attempts by Islamists to slaughter heretics and infidels worldwide to prepare for the coming of the New Caliphate; and so many, many more.

You Wouldn’t Be The First To Try. However, They’re Surprisingly Resilient.

However, instead of hating gays, black people or what-have-you, what if we came up with an entirely new group of people to fear and mistrust–one previously tolerated by society? The members of the newly-despised group would necessarily have to represent a smallish selection of the overall population–hating on a majority population is ultimately counterproductive (see South Africa, Apartheid and). Ideally, the new group of disadvantaged citizens would be made promptly aware of their denigrated status, so that they could appreciate the inevitable hate-crimes perpetrated against them, and not believe them to be random acts of violence.

No, This Is MY Lawn, And It Isn’t Going To Mow Itself.

We’d like to suggest a few exciting possibilities for the new object of societal derision, each of which should be perfectly suitable. A great place to start is with groups displaying interests or tastes outside the societal norm, like beekeepers, guys with comb-overs or fans of Rascal Flatts. Disparaging any or all of these groups will add more panels to the ever-growing quilt that is contemporary bigotry.

We Understand That Most Of These ‘People’ Are Born With Vestigial Tails.

Even if soon-to-be-vilified group has yet to be determined, Promethean Times has already devised a great new epithet for the eventual choice: Digleroes (singular, Diglero). Try this: Just look at those fucking digleroes. Ever since they moved into the neighborhood, everything stinks like honey.

What A Fucking Diglero.

Look, we’re not bigoted, it’s just that we’ve got OUR neighborhoods, and the digs have THEIR neighborhoods. ∞ T.

This piece originally ran on 11.19.10

By Smaktakula

Our Best To The Happy Couple! And Kate–Wear A Seatbelt, Honey.

The hearts of aging Anglophiles and reclusive shut-ins worldwide are aglow with the happy news of Prince William’s engagement to his long-time girlfriend, the lovely Kate Middleton. Kate and William, the future king of England and “good son” of Prince Charles and Diana Spencer, plan to marry sometime in 2011.

As the excitement surrounding the announcement fades in the coming weeks, the public’s attention will turn increasingly toward the next phase in this royal relationship. Soon, millions will be asking: Who will be William’s Camilla Parker-Bowles?

Camilla Parker-Bowles Is The One In The Dumpy Sweater.

Today the frumpy, horse-faced wife of the no-less plain Prince Charles is known as Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall. However, fans of late 20th Century history will remember Parker-Bowles as the frumpy, horse-faced wife of Andrew Parker-Bowles and semi-secret lover of Prince Charles. The pair married in 2005, culminating a longtime affair so passionate that in an “Eww” moment for the ages, Charles revealed his desire to be Parker-Bowles’ “Tampax.” He was joking, if it makes any difference.

The Prince Isn’t Funny: “So Then I Said To Camilla, ‘Well Then Call Me Maxi, Because I Want To Crash At Your Pad.'”

“When we ask ‘Who will be William’s Camilla?’ we’re not asking the right question,” says Tory MP Robert Howell of Pecos-upon-Orange, “The Prince is quite an accomplished young man, who fortunately has his mother’s looks. There’s no reason to suggest he couldn’t do much better with the ladies than his father. Comparisons to Parker-Bowles only serve to diminish public expectations for what William could potentially achieve, and in this we do the young Royal a great disservice.”

Adds Howell, “Frankly, it’s time we as Britons placed a higher standard upon our princes in terms of their sexual conquests. I quite think Harry’s got the idea.”

Fears That Parker-Bowles Would Emasculate The Prince Proved Unfounded.

But others aren’t so sure. “Aye, t’ young prince ul pick a dowdy lass for sure,” says Eamonn Harker, a York shepherd, “It’s tradition, ennit?” Historian Nigel Ennis-Butterwort agrees. “Traditionally, English Royals pick attractive spouses. This is thought to be a reaction to a succession of homely Queens, such as Victoria or Elizabeth II.”

“We Are Not At All Attractive. No, Not Even A Little. It Is Most Regrettable.”

“However,” says Ennis-Butterwort, “It is in the selection of a paramour that we see the ghost of Oedipus. You’ve heard that men marry their mothers? In the case of British Royals, this is absolutely not true–they reject homely women as marriage partners–but take them as lovers.”

“Listen, Knucklehead, I Told You I Don’t Know Prince, And That ‘Sir Charles’ Is Just An Honorific. Now For The Last Time, That Is Not My Damn Horse!”

Close observers of the Royal Family are already hard at work attempting to predict Prince William’s choice of butterfaced bed-buddy. It will be some time before there is even the slightest agreement as to the type of dog William is likely to bag, let alone consensus on a name.

Fortunately, readers of Promethean Times won’t have to wait to find out. Using our state-of-the-art prognosticative software, we’ve determined Prince William’s likely future lover. Readers will remember that Promethean Times has on one more than one occasion scooped the major media outlets by being the first to correctly identify leaders’ potential lovers, including Monica Lewinsky (Look for a plump girl of Eastern European extraction; possibly with a predilection for French headwear) and Camilla Parker-Bowles herself (Charles will most likely seek comfort in the embrace of some variety of barnyard animal).

By our analysis, the Prince’s paramour will be a study of contradictions:

Physically unattractive, but exotic.

Well-educated, but somewhat backward.

Personally wealthy, but from a poor culture.

Socially inept, but commanding great power.

You heard it here first. Prince William will make Kate Middleton the Queen of England, but not the queen of his heart. Somewhere across the whole of the Eurasian landmass William’s soulmate awaits, the Prince’s love bringing a small, brave light to the corrupted heart of a doomed land.

following vice prez who is next in line of succession the prez of us ~ Apparently the Founding Fathers didn’t think this through. According to the Constitution, in the event that both the President and Vice-President are unable to serve, the Presidency goes to the guy who owns the most horses.

nicknames for dick — What’s your name again?

was obama photographed with leeches on his face ~What?!? No.

dear camp female tramps ~ Tramps are dear to us as well.

vienna sausage creations ~ Well, speaking euphemistically–children.

showing his cock ~ ‘Tis a fine bantam you have there, sir–sure to win first prize at the County Fair.

people remembering the 60s — Are often tiresome.

Anti-Drug PSA's Would Be So Much More Effective If This Guy Was The Poster-Boy.

fbi warning negro—Clarence prefers to be called the FBI warning African-American.

testicles hanging off truck—That was one hell of an accident.

condoms for men with small penis~They’re called Little Richards, and they’re surprisingly comfortable. Or, that’s what we read in Consumer Reports anyway.

tina fey died ~ Haven’t we been through this?

im a nazi ~ Some Israeli gentlemen may be visiting later this evening.

fish vagina innuendos—Going to a party later tonight and need a line that will impress the ladies?

"Because Canned Tuna Is Too Expensive! Heh! Tuna? Anyone? Because Canned Tuna Is Too Expensive!..You People Wouldn't Know Funny If It Bit You On The Ass!"

By The Promethean Times Editorial Staff

We Looked Among All The Nations Of The World, And Could Find None More Deserving Of Our Praise.

We’ll admit it–we didn’t think it would come to this. We figured we’d be rich by now, or at the very least the Rapture would have freed us from our myriad woes. Since it didn’t (it didn’t, right?), we’ve picked ourselves up and resolved to make a game go of it. Moreover, we’re concentrating our hopes on the admittedly feeble chances the Mayans were right in predicting doom for 2012, and that very soon sweet nothingness will obliterate the pain that is existence.

Turns Out Somebody Made A Calculation Error When They Came Up With The 2012 Date. The Revised Figure Is 1492.

Until then, though, we’re even more delighted that, last December, we were the inaugural winner of the Promethean Times’ Person of the Year. Now, as we say goodbye to what we call ‘The Year of Promethean Times,’ it’s time to recognize a new mover and/or shaker for his/her/its contribution or impact to our world.

Having outstripped the rest of the field by light-years in the 2010 contest, Promethean Times could be forgiven for feeling like it has an edge in this year’s selection. After all, no one disputes that Promethean Times’ many, many contributions to the betterment of society rank among the more significant developments in 2011. Still, the beloved news journal remains humble. “Would we like to repeat?” asks Smaktakula, lead writer, “Absolutely–who wouldn’t? But we’ve got important events to cover, and we can’t really spend time thinking about things like that. Besides,” he adds, “Some other stuff happened.”

Among The Many Proposed Reforms Of The 'Arab Spring' Which Began In The Winter Of 2011 Is A Calendar That's Worth A Damn.

Fortunately, the world is in no immediate danger of losing its megalomaniacal dickheads–it seems as if for every despot hanged, another sprouts from the puddle of piss at his twitching feet. The loss of ‘Lil Kim was a blow for North Korea, but made easier when Kim Jong-un waddled into his father’s shoes and accepted his mandate to drive the shitstain of a country further into the ground. Africa maintained its preeminence for venal strongmen throughout 2011, with brutal racist Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe single-lippedly keeping alive the Hitler Mustache, while Julius Malema, an exciting new face on the South African scene, promises to continue the ruination of the one-time economic powerhouse. And throughout the world, Muslims continued to blow things up in protest of the western world’s inexplicable and persistent view of Muslims as violent and reactionary. The West countered with fiercely abject apologies.

Fidel's Still Hanging In There.

Another theme embraced wholeheartedly worldwide was indignation. Contrary to the age-old adage, “What goes up must inevitably continue to do so,” 2011 saw a further decline in the still-ridiculous standard of living enjoyed by the West. Like going out to lunch with Grandma, the belief arose that it was enough to wait it out, and somebody would eventually pick up the check. The jarring reality that Grandma died during a visit to the ladies’ room brought angry people into the streets. In America, this phenomenon took the form of “Occupy Wall Street,” a Tea Party for the under-40 crowd, who still like to break things and enjoy the novelty of humping in Liberty Park, where rank coils of human feces suffice for scented candles and complete exposure for privacy.

For Real, We Totally Would.--Only, It Smells Like Pee And There's A Ton Of Poor People Walking Around.

The year was momentous for the United States. Although ending its involvement in Iraq (kinda, not really) the US steadfastly continued interminable bank-busting conflicts in places like Afghanistan, while also embarking on other daring adventures such as temporary conflicts in Libya and a secret war¹ in the Democratic Republic of Congo. On the home front, the government turned its attention against homegrown enemies, like pot shops in California, while Operation Fast & Furious ensured that narcos and Mexican Army assassins could continue to terrorize the citizenry of the failed state and disappear the occasional American tourist.

The year began with the Arizona shooting that turned US Representative Gabby Giffords into a living martyr, and the rest of the nation into a gang of loudmouthed assholes. Throughout the year the citizenry continued the tradition of killing one another, often in new and surprising ways.

America: Where Our Unsettling Anthropomorphic Monsters Are Just A Little Bit More Patriotic.

President Obama was once again unable to deliver on his promise to make the United States a magical Care Bear land of milk & honey scented with the sweet strains of children’s choirs singing liltingly of the unifying joy of diversity, but from their bastions in college quads and Code Pink meeting-houses, the President’s dwindling cadre of true believers assured us it was Republican obstructionism. And secret racism. Republicans countered that their sole aim was to restore sanity to a beleaguered nation, and promised that only as a last resort would they burn the fucking thing to the ground.

The Bad News Is That Rome Is Burning. The Good News Is That Everyone In Our Studio Audience Will Be Going Home Tonight With Shiny New Fiddles!

Political penii² proved productive in promoting prick-principled puns, as well as gratuitous alliteration. The destructive power of the penis was ably demonstrated by Arnold Schwarzenegger, who showed us that even a wealthy Hollywood/Government powerhouse with an even richer (albeit skeletal) wife will fuck an ugly woman if given the opportunity. Late night talk-show hosts methodically shook every last droplet of humor from the Weiner situation, before putting away their pricks at the disgraced NY Rep.

For Newlyweds Lisa And Bingo Lamb, A Day At The Fair Is A Great Reason To Dress Up.

As did the death of beautiful paper-doll Diana Spencer over a decade before, the wedding of Prince William to commoner Kate Middleton proved Americans are still fascinated with the royal family from which their forefathers once strove so mightily to emancipate themselves. Although America does not have a royalty per se, the Twenty-First Century has seen the rise of a new class of publicly-owned do-nothings. Paramount among these is the vile Kardashian Klan, a bloodline and marriage-based conglomerate that may just be the strongest argument yet advanced in support of the Armenian Holocaust.³ Kim Kardashian’s sham-marriage to basketball legend somebody-or-other netted the vapid perfume-tycoon more money than you’re likely to see in a thousand lifetimes.

There were a few stars whom we were relieved to see survive 2011, not least because their delightfully destructive antics provide regular low-hanging fruit for Promethean Times.Toothless cretin Charlie Sheen managed to bring his life and career to a shattering halt, suffering the additional injury of losing his place in America’s most beloved half-hour of insipidity to a genial retard. Yet through a heroic lack of self-awareness and the public’s perverse predilection for the doomed, the former Carlos Estevez is more popular than ever. The same cannot be said for Lindsay Lohan, once hailed as ‘The Flower of American Skankhood,’ who like Sheen, is one of 2012’s most likely fatalities. Despite a loving and supportive family, worldwide adoration and impeccable personal hygiene, the only audience to prove capable of tolerating LiLo’s act for any length of time were her customers at the LA County Morgue.

It Gets A Lot Less Sexy When You Realize She'll Be Dead Soon.

Sport continued to be a necessary diversion around the world, uniting and dividing people not by races or ethnicity, but by the overpriced merchandise they wore. In American sports, Jesus, sole scion of the Jehovah Dynasty, briefly tried His hand at football before quietly retiring once again to the sidelines, much to the dismay of football fans in the Mountain States. Although a strike marred the beginning of the 2011-2012 NBA season, the 2010-2011 season ended in a thrilling contest that satisfied both haters of LeBron James and fans of Schadenfreude in general. In what was nearly universally regarded as a black year for baseball, the one bright spot was the continuing absence of a World Series trophy in the Lone Star State. And in sports outside of America’s shores, a group of Japanese ladies won some soccer thing.

A Little Bit Like Schnitzel.

With all these notable events and people, both tragic and sublime, from which to choose, our editors had an unenviable task in determining Promethean Times’ Person of the Year for 2011. It was only after a thorough and at-times grueling vetting process, at several points during which the acrimony grew both increasingly bitter and ad hominem, that the worthy candidate emerged. Promethean Times is proud to name as this year’s Promethean Times’ Person of the Year and our first two-time back-to-back recipient, Promethean Times, honoring the venerable publication for its indefatigable and often thankless dedication to fighting the barbaric practice of puppy-killing.

Bravo, Promethean Times.

NEVER AGAIN.

To The Dear Friends To Whom We Bid Farewell In 2011: May You Find Yourselves In Heaven Before The Devil Knows You’re Dead:

Amy Might Still Be Alive If She Had Filled Her Drug-Pipe With Harmless Tobacco Instead Of What She Actually Filled It With--Drugs.

The Thing We'll Miss Most? The Laughter.

CNN News Personality Anderson Cooper Was Too Beautiful To Live.

Sure, It's A Tragedy For The Ages, But We Take Some Small Consolation In The Knowledge That There's One Less Drunk On The Streets Tonight.

Quiet, Modest And Unassuming, Mr. Savage Exemplified The Qualities For Which America Is Admired Across The Globe.

Get It? We're Being Metaphorical. Trust Us, Chicks Dig Metaphors.

The Colonel's Friends All Believed It Was Gaddafi's Fascination With Thriller-Era Michael Jackson That Prevented His Promotion To General.

This Beautiful Creature Learned Too Late That If Something Lives, The Germans Will Find A Way To Kill It.

This One Time, When Smaktakula Was In Juvenile Hall On An Arson Charge, He Met A Guy Who Claimed To Be Jani Lane's Half-Brother, And Damned If The Kid Didn't Look Just Like Him. No, That's It.

Old Friend, We'll Miss You Most Of All. Circumstances Demand That We Dispense With The Childish, Insensitive Caricatures Upon Which We So Often Rely, But Rather, Respect Your Culture By Offering You A Farewell Not Only More Dignified, But In Keeping With The Proud Traditions Of Korea. In This Last Hour, Dear Leader, We Say Simply, "Sayonara."

¹ While it’s not actually a secret that 100 US ‘advisers’ have been sent to the DRC to help combat the Lord’s Resistance Army, it might as well be for all the media talks about it. ∞T.

² ‘Penises’ is the accepted plural of ‘penis,’ but Promethean Times has always been, and will forever proudly remain, a penii-loving publication. ∞T.

³ It’s a joke, Tanzr–don’t let it curdle your yogurt soda. Yes, what happened to your great-great aunt whatsername at the hands of the Turks all those years was a tragedy, but at least we provided a link to Wikipedia. That’s a hell of a lot more than the US Government ever did. ∞T.

By Smaktakula

Mr. Claus Is Said To Be No Fan Of The Pyongyang Regime.

In a move considered dickish even by the attenuated standards of blighted pariah nations, rogue state North Korea fired two Nodong-2 missles at Santa’s Sleigh early Sunday morning, narrowly missing the beloved quasi-diety. Santa and his reindeer are reportedly unhurt, much to the delight of good boys and girls throughout the first world.

Western observers are divided as to the reasons behind the military action. Some view the attack as a show of strength by newly-appointed dictator and enfant terrible, Kim Jong-un. Others disagree. Proponents of the so-called “Bad Santa” theory contend that the attack was a calculated maneuver, and was never intended to harm St. Nick. Santa would be so furious following the encounter, according to the theory, that he would leave the entire North Korean nation nothing but coal, something the wretched citizens of the failed state desperately need to heat their desolate hovels.