My boyfriend and I have been together for just shy of three years now. We’ve lived together for two years, but spend our summers apart as we work in different cities (they’re not too far apart, but I have to bus to work, so I need to be quite close to my job).

We’re also both in university, so going home for the summers makes sense. Since the beginning of our relationship, I’ve had a hard time with his family. It’s not that they’re not lovely to me, but from the beginning, they’ve been very against our relationship.

I’ve worked very hard with his mother to build a friendship there. However, it seems that no matter what I do they view me as taking their son away from them. Whenever I visit them, I spend hours talking with his mum and make an effort to chat with his sister, but the second we leave to do our own thing, his sister is somehow ‘losing her older brother.’

I come from a split family (divorced parents), and once I reached 18, they loosened their grip quite a bit. I get frustrated because it feels like my boyfriend doesn’t care to tell his family that he’s an adult; he seems somewhat complicit in how they react to my presence in his life.

When my parents tried to meddle in our relationship, I put my foot down immediately. I respect my parents, obviously, but I also had to draw the line somewhere. It feels like he’ll never draw that line. He can’t even spend a night at my house without getting a barrage of messages: “I miss you” “your sister needs you” “this is what we had for dinner tonight – wish you were here,” and I’m just getting… worn down.

I can’t even hope that I’ll get to see him at all on holidays, because he says “well you know holidays are tricky for me with my family.” I asked him if we could spend a few days together after Christmas at my grandmother’s house and yet again I received a ‘maybe but likely no.’ My grandmother met him once a few years ago, and every time I come down she asks to see him.

My grandfather has dementia and somehow remembers my boyfriend, so it’s been such a hope of mine to have him down at any point over the Christmas break, even for just a few days. He still won’t commit. He tried to come down two years ago, and his family had an absolute domestic, so I understand why he’s reluctant, but it hits a point where I feel like he needs to draw some boundaries, or at least just tell me that he doesn’t want to see me, rather than using his family as a constant excuse.

I don’t understand why he can’t tell them to back off. I left the nest years ago, and it seems that he never will. I have a very close relationship with my family, and so I can understand that bond, but I worry that he’ll never have his independence, and more than that, I’ll never be in an adult relationship if we stay together.

I’m sorry nobody answered this yet. Many of us here have hidden this situation, and the basic response is kind of “deal with it.”

The thought, time, and energy you’ve spent trying to “win over” the mom and sis made me feel your love and sincerity and inspired a new thought!

You seem to face your challenges, and I think things might turn out beautifully.

The next time, tell the mom and sister you need to speak to them alone for 15 or 20 minutes, and it’s nothing bad. Be prepared; they will want to talk to you right at that moment because they will think you’re pregnant. Don’t tell them you’re not, act oblivious that they’d even think that.

Having planned for this, bring something a little special, fancy, and ladylike. Little cakes and some special tea. Put the tea on. You don’t want to put the mom out at all. Maybe bring pretty paper napkins, whatever, let her keep them.

When you’re all three (hopefully all three)gathered YOU apologize –even though you haven’t done anything lol for anything awkwardness in the past. The son/brother is the first and only person you’ve ever felt this way about. You don’t want to let him down or them down. Tell them how much he speaks positively about them, and how that impressed you to see a son love his mom and sister so much*. Tell them you’re not sure about the future, but this has shown the quality and character you want in your life. Blood is forever, and you will never replace Mom or Sister, ever. You will never lose your son. What you hope is that *you two* feel like you gained an adopted daughter. Tell them if they need anything, help with anything, you are there. Etc. If they need to tell you anything, please do.

I would follow up with a Thank you note affirming the positives to each woman.

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