They Say It Takes a Village, But How Many Villagers Do You Really Want Raising Your Kids?

Ben Martin thinks about the awkwardness of correcting other people’s kids – and his hesitancy to accept other parents correcting his own.

—

What’s the deal with Other People’s Kids (and by “Other People” I mean people who aren’t you or me)? Well, obviously, they aren’t as cute as our kids. Plus, they’re usually not nearly as well-behaved. I’ve also noticed that when my kids (and yours, too, of course) mess up or misbehave it’s really just a deviation from their norm rather than a reflection of their deeper character. Other People’s Kids, of course, are displaying their true colors. Evil colors. How do all these Other People deal with such evil little kids?

My kids (who, like yours, are angelic nearly 100% of the time, I promise) were at the park recently. There was also a good sized group of Other People’s Kids there. Kids being what they are, a game broke out. It was a sword fighting, swashbuckling adventure type of game that relied heavily on the use of plastic light sabers. I think it was a mash-up of Star Wars, Pirates of the Caribbean, and total chaos. There may also have been a hint of Lord of the Flies.

One kid in particular, who I know to be a 3rd grader, was really into the sword fighting part. Really into it. He was raining down holy, plastic, light-saberized terror: two hands held high, white-knuckled, swing-it-so-hard-the-sword-bends-itself-around-the-sword-of-the-defender style play.

***

And wouldn’t you know it, he was going after my daughter because it also turns out there was a boys vs. girls element to the game. My daughter was backing away—just holding her light saber up in front of her and flinching with every blow. That’s where my dilemma was. If it had been her swinging away like that at some Other Person’s Kid, I’d have stepped in immediately. But Other People’s Kids are different. I didn’t want to embarrass her by stepping in to her game (I wasn’t sure how invested she was in it). I didn’t want to upset the Other Kid’s Parents (wherever they were). I also didn’t want to be the over-reactive, overprotective parent.

Mostly, though, I just don’t feel like I’ve got the authority to correct Other People’s Kids. Of course, in the example above, I had a stake in monitoring the game inasmuch as I’m going to keep my daughter safe. But she wasn’t crying out for help or looking frantically around to find me either. Also, it wasn’t a real light saber, so that reduced the urgency a bit. My daughter is an independent sort who prefers to take care of herself when she can. Which she did. By dropping her sword and walking away to play another game.

That was my signal that she wasn’t invested enough in playing that she needed me to stay out of it. The boy picked up her sword and, holding it victoriously over his head ran back toward the boys’ base camp. Only he happened to go right by me, so I snatched up the sword and said, “Looks like she’s done with the game, so I’ll hang on to this.”

He looked completely shocked and said, “But I won it.”

“I know, but this is my daughter’s sword and I think she’s done with the game.”

If there’s a word for slightly confused and slightly crestfallen at the same time, then that’s what he looked like. And I looked like the word that describes someone who feels like they just took a toy from someone else’s kid on the playground. Sheepish? Ashamed? Embarrassed? Furtive? Interactions with Other People’s Kids are always so awkward. I wanted to tell him he needed to cool it down a bit, but I didn’t. Look, I’m just telling you what I did, not saying it was the right thing to do…

***

This raises a question that I really don’t know the answer to: When, as a parent, is it appropriate to intervene with Other People’s Kids? Of course, if something is putting any child into immediate physical danger we all have a duty to intervene – often legally and always ethically. But what about for little things? Playground disagreements and the like.

I often hear people saying “it takes a village,” but how much village do we really want? Here’s the crux of the matter. When it comes to the village, we are the village for Other People’s Kids and Other People are the village for our kids. When you and I are the village, helping keep Other People’s Kids in line, our morals and methods are spot on, of course! I’m just not so sure about all the Other villagers’ morals and methods.

The logical outcome of this is that you and I can intervene in ways we feel are appropriate when other people’s kids aren’t acting up to snuff, while other people (the grandparent who’s been sitting and reading on the bench near where our kids are playing; that mom who’s been talking to her friend by the play structure for the last half hour; that guy at the park wearing the Budweiser t-shirt who’s playing soccer with the kids, one of whom you hope is his), well, they need to come and ask us permission before they interact with our kids because, you know, stranger danger and all.

Here’s the part that really weirds me out: my kids, and yours, too, are “other people’s kids” to everybody out there who isn’t us. I hope responsible parents who share all of my values will kindly and gently correct my kids if they’re being overly-aggressive or are otherwise misbehaving and I’m not aware enough to intervene myself. I hate to imagine that, when I’m not looking, my kids might be bullies, or even just thoughtless. I also hate to imagine that some stranger might imagine it’s okay to discipline one of my kids in a way I wouldn’t or correct them for doing something I think is perfectly acceptable.

On reflection, my guess is that the sword wielding Other Person’s Kid at the park isn’t actually a bully. He’s probably just a decent 8 year old boy who got a little carried away with a game involving plastic weaponry. His parents are likely to know what a sweet kid he can be. Most likely, they weren’t hovering over their son because they’ve raised him right and feel they can trust him to be good. They’re probably just like you and me that way.

About Ben Martin

Ben Martin stayed home with his kids for 5 and a half years before going back to school to become a social worker. After his daughter was diagnosed with juvenile arthritis, he and his family moved to Boston and he returned to being a stay-at-home dad. On this second time around, he's taking a more thoughtful approach to being a husband and father. You can find his personal blog at www.afamilyinthecity.com. You can also follow him on twitter @FamilyintheCity

Leave a Reply

11 Comments on "They Say It Takes a Village, But How Many Villagers Do You Really Want Raising Your Kids?"

[…] They Say It Takes a Village, But How Many Villagers Do You Really Want Raising Your Kids? […]

0

| ShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Nick Pocius

3 years 9 months ago

I always find it awkward to intervene with other people’s kids. I always do when safety is an issue for any child, however, I do feel a moral responsibility to aid other kids when they can’t control their behavior. Maybe it is the teacher in me (because I am one), but I feel as if we truly want to help our society instead of getting annoyed with the unruly child or talking behind the unruly child’s parents back, we should politely help them. I don’t know if this is overstepping boundaries or not, but if a stranger gave my son… Read more »

I like determining appropriateness by making a distinction between positive advice, which is often just pointing out what the natural consequences might be, and discipline. The cool part of pointing out natural consequences is that it’s like a built in gauge for whether it’s appropriate to intervene at all. If you can’t figure out what the natural consequences are, then that’s a sign that you’re probably just imposing your own values on someone else’s kid. For example, maybe a parent doesn’t agree with any sort of toy weapons. Telling some kids on the playground that “if you keep playing with… Read more »

I was in Toys R Us (I live in Germany and am American) and there was a boy and girl standing in line. I assumed they were brother and sister. The Boy was about 11 and the girl was probably about 7. I was with my eldest son who was about 8 at the time. They were purchasing something….no parent in site. The boy started cursing loudly in English. More than likely, he was showing off to his sister. He didn’t know I was American and could understand him. After about 5 times of filth coming out of his mouth,… Read more »

0

| ShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Shaman

3 years 9 months ago

Hey Ben. Veering off topic slightly ( then I’ll bring it back round, promise) – the “village” doesn’t exist anymore – just other people. I get the impression you didn’t know the parents of the kid in question. When I think of that experssion “It takes a village . . . ” I think of older times when we all knew everyone in the street, dropped in on our neighbours, fed the other kids on the street – sure, that exists, but it isn’t the norm where in my personal experience as child and father ( really do want to… Read more »

I think you really hit the nail on the head – the dilemma stems from a lack of common culture. That’s not to say a heterogenous culture isn’t good. Many of us would have to give up our most cherished values in order to achieve a real cultural uniformity. But I think you’re absolutely right that, in addition to allowing us decide for our own families what we’re going to value and how we’re going to parent, it is heavily responsible for the lack of the sort of “village” that allows parents to trust one another’s instincts when it comes… Read more »

0

| ShareHide Replies ∧

Guest

Shaman

3 years 9 months ago

“So maybe that’s the real solution: we can maintain our individual family and cultural values, but, if we want a society that’s cohesive enough to allow for any degree of “community” type parenting, we have to learn about the areas of overlap from culture to culture.” Agreed – would like to see the shape of that- I have theories on globalisation, the ecomony, migration trends and the diaspora that are never ending, I won’t bore you with them (cos I got to discipline someone else’s kid 😉 but I think boundaries are falling all over the place (apart from the… Read more »

Ben, I hear ya. But ya know, it’s not the kids that are the problem, it’s the guardians who are supposed to be watching them. IMO, it doesn’t take a village, it takes vigilant parents to raise their own kids, just as you’re doing with your own. A question to the kid for example “does your mom know you’re doing that?” Again, this is my opinion but I wouldn’t hesitate to confront the parent or whoever is looking after the kids. Actually, because you’re a guy, a cold look at the kid may have an impact? All I know is… Read more »

It’s funny you mention the cold look. I’ve got a pretty good stink eye, although I only pull it out occasionally. Recently though I’ve had some mixed results with it. I volunteer at my kids’ school for a for a program called the Understanding Disabilities Program. There’s mix of special speakers and activities. I had one situation where a kid was talking during a speaker’s presentation and I just caught his eye and held it. He looked a bit hypnotized for just a second and then stopped. Another time, during an activity, a different kid ignored the look and then… Read more »

Some people seem comfortable giving instruction to other people’s kids. I, however, am more like you and find it very awkward. I’ve seen things happening with my kids and others that I don’t approve and am pretty sure my kids did not care for. I’d feel more comfortable removing my kids (and not even that sometimes) rather than reprimanding the other children. If my children were not involved at all, I would feel even less comfortable getting involved unless a real and clear danger existed.

It gets more and more true as the problem with the behavior in question is more and more related to a personal value, rather than “a real and clear danger.” For example, I generally would prefer my kids not play games that are boys vs. girls. No judgment, it’s just not something I like very much. But I bet a lot of parents wouldn’t like me going around breaking those kinds of games up (and I don’t). I wonder if people who don’t feel like they fit in with the dominant culture are more prone to anxiety around this issue.… Read more »