Do you remember when people had to have a fucking talent of some kind to be considered a celebrity? Because I do, and I miss those days every fucking minute of my life.

I’m sick of seeing “news” about all these “celebrities” and their “shenanigans.” And yes, I’m using the quotes correctly, because they are not celebrities and it is not news nor shenanigans. But what really gets me is that none of these assholes even has a fucking talent or skill. Most of them were on some stupid-ass “reality” TV show for .5 seconds and now for some reason their every move is considered worthy of a headline. Half of those assholes can’t even do drugs well, not to mention act or sing or whatever legitimate skill they pretend to have.

And I’m purposely not mentioning any of these people by name because I don’t want them to have the satisfaction of getting publicity and seeing my blog when they Google their own names. I’m sure you all can think of at least a dozen “celebrities” that fit this situation. Nowadays, some of these assholes weren’t even on TV at all in any way—some of them are just children of legitimately talented and famous people. I guess it works like royal blood did (or still does in some countries). You don’t need to have a skill or talent or even be particularly good-looking. If your parents are famous, you will be famous.

But you know what? I’m fucking sick to death of hearing all about these assholes. I miss the days when an actor or actress actually had to be talented in order to be in movies and make money. Or when a musician had to be able to sing or play an instrument (OR BOTH! CRAZY, I KNOW). Now, most people pay to see performers who LIPSYNCH at their concerts. Breaking news: That’s called karaoke, and you can do it yourself for a lot less money.

And what does it say about society in general that most of us are apparently obsessed with these assholes and their talent-less lives? I mean, I don’t give two shits, and in fact am extremely enraged by these fake celebrities (which should be obvious), but it seems a majority of people want to know every step these “celebrities” make. Even if it’s just going out to lunch. Breaking news: EVERYONE DOES THAT. WHY IS IT ON TV? It’s not a newsworthy event! But apparently enough people care that it gets these shows ratings, so of course they’re going to keep talking about all this inanity.

I just don’t fucking get it. I just want to know when actors I like are in a new movie, or when musicians I like are going to perform near me. I DON’T NEED TO KNOW WHERE THEY EAT LUNCH. I DO NOT CARE. And why the fuck does everyone else care? And even worse, why do they care about a “celebrity” who has no more talent than your anonymous next-door neighbor? Here’s some advice, free of charge because I’m nice like that: Stop trying to live vicariously through these assholes and live YOUR OWN FUCKING LIFE INSTEAD.

Or at the very least, if you are going to live vicariously through someone, at least pick someone with a fucking iota of talent. I know the idea of all these talentless assholes becoming “celebrities” really excites some people because the idea of being famous for doing nothing is appealing to lazy assholes, but I’m hoping this will come full circle and in a few years nobody will remember these “celebrities” and we can get back to people who are actually worthy of our attention for one reason or another.

The other reason it enrages me is because these people aren’t only famous, but they’re getting rich off this shit. These “celebrities” are literally being paid for NOTHING. They have no talent, and apparently that is worthy of millions of dollars. It’s fucking ridiculous.

…

You know what? I take it all back. Their talent is clearly tricking the rest of us into thinking they deserve all this money for doing nothing. But you know what? THEY AREN’T EVEN GOOD AT THAT. Because here I am, and there are other people like me, who see them for what they really are: a nobody.

So please, “celebrities,” please fade back into obscurity. It would be the greatest thing you could ever do. And hey, you might even be good at it (although I wouldn’t hold my breath)!

Seriously. When was the last time Hollywood actually produced anything worthwhile? The only consistent exclusion I can think of is Pixar. Pretty much all the other major studios need to go back to their drawing boards. The past ten years or so have seen mostly remakes that are not as good as the original and/or terrible adaptations of books/cartoons/anime/video games. Now, I’m not saying I don’t occasionally enjoy a brainless action movie with lots of explosions, or a gory horror movie with no real point or plot except to kill as many people as possible in two hours. But I am getting sick of those slowly becoming my only options. Or seeing a terrible remake of an old movie I love. No thanks, I’ll take a fucking pass on that.

Hollywood recently crossed a line with me by remaking The Karate Kid. Pretty much every movie made in the ’80s is perfect already for various reasons. Could you imagine some asshole trying to remake The Breakfast Club? Or Sixteen Candles? Neverending Story? So what gives them the right to remake The Karate Kid? Now, I’m not saying the original didn’t have flaws (as awesome as it is and despite my love for it, I think we can all agree that Miyagi is a stereotype. But what movie from the ’80s doesn’t have some wince-worthy flaw like this (not that that is an excuse)?), but I can tell from the trailer for the “new” Karate Kid that they missed the point. And why the fuck didn’t they just call it the Kung-Fu Kid and be done with it? I’m sure the new one has its own merits (for one, the main character is African-American, which is a plus), but I won’t go see it because it’s a remake of a movie that DIDN’T NEED TO BE REMADE. If they had called it the Kung-Fu Kid, I would be 100% less disappointed in it, because then they could say it’s based on the Karate Kid instead of it being a remake.

But that’s just one example. Mostly, Hollywood seems to think they can improve on all sorts of older movies now that we have crazy CGI or 3D abilities. Breaking news: Those older movies are great because they don’t have any of that shit. They’re great because they have a good story and a message. Half the movies in the ’80s were about being yourself and triumphing over the odds not by conforming but by standing out (Grease is a notable exception, since Sandy becomes essentially a Pink Lady at the end of that film, but that’s technically from the late ’70s). Modern films, remakes or not, have completely ditched that message. All girls have to be stick thin and all guys must have rippling muscles. You triumph now by beating your opponents into submission, not by being smarter or a better person.

Hollywood can take this new message and shove it up its ass, because it’s bullshit. I can’t remember the last time I saw a character I could identify with in a mainstream modern film. Not even in the remakes of old movies. They take all those characters and pare them down, empty them out and buff them up. How exactly does that improve on the original movie? It doesn’t. So stop fucking trying. Nobody wants your reinterpretation of The Karate Kid or Conan the Barbarian. They might not be pillars of movie achievement, but people love them because of their flaws. When you take all the flaws out of a character or a movie, there is nothing for people to relate to. YOU ARE MISSING THE POINT BY TRYING TO MAKE EVERYTHING PERFECT AND SHINY.

And Hollywood fucks things up further by constantly failing to cast parts properly, by which I mean they favor white actors/actresses over equally capable actors/actresses of color. The most recent and public debacle involves The Last Airbender. I’ve never watched much of the show, but I know people who love it and I know enough about it to know that the characters are NOT WHITE. And yet all the main characters in the movie ARE WHITE. SEE THE FUCKING PROBLEM HERE?!

A quick Google search will bring up all of the issues with this, but because I am so kind and generous, I will also break it down for you: THEY TOOK NON-WHITE CHARACTERS AND CAST WHITE ACTORS TO PORTRAY THEM. What the fuck year is this, 1940? Breaking news: The world is diverse and movies (and other media) should reflect this. But it is particularly heinous to take obviously non-white characters and MAKE THEM WHITE. I want to puke all over everyone involved in casting The Last Airbender just thinking about how fucking wrong that is. WHOA THERE BLATANT RACISM. And yes, it is racism, because they’re essentially saying that MOVIE GOERS ARE ONLY INTERESTED IN MOVIES ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE. I think it’s safe to say that is fucking false.

And it can’t be about making money, because the TV show already has a bazillion fans, a lot of whom enjoy not only the story but the fact that the characters are people of color. SO WAY TO ALIENATE YOUR BUILT-IN FAN BASE. There is not a phrase on the Internet to describe how much of a fail THAT is.

Now, these are only two examples of the general ways in which Hollywood tends to ruin everything all the time. I’m not saying there haven’t been some great movies in the past decade. I love superheros, so I’m thrilled with the surge of actually good superhero movies (although some of them teeter on the edge of “mindless action movie”). But if I sat down and made a list of all the bad vs. okay (not even good or great!) movies Hollywood has put out recently, I know which list would be longer by pages.

So, Hollywood, for all the epic failure you have been delivering lately, feel my wrath. You should shut your doors for a few years and rethink your strategy. Unless you want me to do it for you. But I can tell you right now my method is going to involve a lot more pain and cursing than you would probably enjoy.

I’m sure most of you are sick of hearing about this fucking disastrous oil spill. Guess what? So am I. It’s been going on six weeks. Let me repeat that: SIX WEEKS.

In that time, and even before then, BP has done pretty much everything wrong. They blatantly ignored warning signs. They supposedly coerced survivors of the explosion to sign statements saying they weren’t injured and didn’t see the blast. They didn’t have contingency plans. And then their CEO says “I would like my life back” in his initial apology (which he has since apologized for. If you have to apologize for an apology, YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG). Are you fucking kidding me? 11 people died in the explosion, and the leak has been going on for SIX FUCKING WEEKS. You know who else wants their life back? Those 11 people who died because you’re an idiot, Tony Hayward. Also, all the animals getting covered in oil, and the entire ecosystem that’s being affected right now by what is surely the most epic failure in the history of your industry.

Not a damned thing. And we’re supposed to feel like they’re trying their hardest? Sorry, not buying it. You assholes ignored information saying that things weren’t right on that rig, and you also clearly didn’t plan for this worst-case scenario. This is the type of thing where you have plans upon plans lined up to deal with it swiftly and immediately. You do not sit around for a week trying to point blame back and forth. This is the fucking ENTIRE OCEAN you are ruining by being STUPID ASSHOLES. Get your shit together.

And once you do, you all need to fucking resign. Also, you should all be required to sell every last one of your assets (yes, all your cars and houses, oh no!) to pay for this fucking cleanup and its repercussions. And then most of you should be thrown in jail for gross negligence and manslaughter (YES, BECAUSE YOU IGNORED INFORMATION THAT COULD HAVE SAVED LIVES). How many times does shit like this need to happen, albeit in different settings, before someone says “Gee, maybe we shouldn’t ignore this stack of data saying that things could go really fucking seriously wrong if we don’t put in an effort to improve the situation?” Yeah, it might cost a butt load of money, BUT IT WILL PAY OFF BY NOT RUINING THE FUCKING PLANET (or by not causing a space shuttle to explode, etc.).

I am fucking sick of shit like this happening. As far as I’m concerned, none of the people in control of BP should ever get their lives back. They should be sad assholes for eternity, with no friends and no money and no happiness. Where I’m from, we fucking fix the problems we cause and we admit when we screwed up big time. We don’t constantly try to get out of things by saying it was someone else’s fault.

So BP, and especially Tony Hayward: Feel my fucking wrath. If I ever run into any of you assholes, I will punch you so hard you’ll go back in time and make the right fucking choice to fix the Deepwater Horizon rig before it kills people and becomes this giant disaster.