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EVENTS

I took a walk through time and space—Through several million years—I found that some things never change,Or that’s how it appears.Stupidity’s a constant(Hey, I call ‘em as I see ‘em);I noted Man’s is not the soleCreationist Museum.Seems everywhere I looked aroundIn present or in past,I found museums touting God—And all of them half-assed.I guess I shouldn’t be surprisedOr find them each defective;Each species must be Number OneWhen seen from their perspective.

The early primates said:

God created Lemurs, andThe world was truly blest;“Descent of Man” is apropos—He’s clearly second best.The perfect form’s arboreous,As anyone can tellWhen apes descended from the treesThings really went to Hell.

The early tetrapods said:

Acanthostaga sits supremeAs God’s most perfect beast;To get from them to humankindJust go from best to least.Look inside our holy booksAnd find revealed—the Flood;God’s favorite creatures, thus, must liveIn water and in mud.

The early chordates said:

God created Amphioxus,Perfectly designed.Mutations and deformities,And now we have Mankind.With notochord, pharyngeal slits,Their form is most divineThen vertebrates just messed it upAnd now they have a spine.

The prokaryotes said:

The truly blest bacteriumGod’s chosen form of lifeWith billions of them in the gutOf Adam and his wife.The heaven-blessed prokaryoteIs God’s Most Perfect Form,And mammals are just one more wayTo keep us nice and warm.

As I said before, I’m re-posting some of my favorites (and yours, if you let me know which ones) during this kinda sorta Fall Fundraiser Drive (tip jar over there on the right).

This one is from nearly 2 full years ago, back when about a dozen people were reading here. On top of that, it was not linked to from any of the more popular sites I comment on, so the odds are very good that the majority of you have not seen it. Nothing new in it–the Aesop’s fable of the painting makes the same point, as does Haldane’s “fondness for beetles” comment. Human creationist museums must necessarily show the god we created in our image; I cannot imagine that if bacteria had their own creationist museums, they would take a decidedly different perspective.

There is something in the watersThat can turn my sons to daughters?I’m so happy that this flyer came to tell me of this fact!Every smoothie that we’ve blenderedMeans they’re halfway to transgendered!Every second now is precious—it is time for us to act!

Time to panic, and I’m thinkingThat the water I’ve been drinkingIs a chemical castration, and a feminazi plan!I drink water like NiagaraAs I wash down my Viagra;Now I see why it’s not working, and I’m still a little man.

Time to buy some Estro-BlasterAnd to hope the mail comes faster—‘Cos I’m worried that perhaps it may already be too late:I’m not thinking with my penis,I’ve abandoned Mars for Venus—And I find I’m moody, ‘bout a week before I menstruate.

As I said before, I’m re-posting some of my favorites (and yours, if you let me know which ones) during this kinda sorta Fall Fundraiser Drive (tip jar over there on the right).

This verse was my reaction to the snake-oil merchants at Estro-Blaster, who prey on fears of demasculinization (if that is a word) amidst news stories of trace amounts of estrogen found in drinking water. Whether or not something works, it would seem you can sell it better by promising to make manly men more manly. In a related matter, one of my most-read posts is my “ballad of smilin’ Bob”, with the subtitle “the biggest dicks of all”. All of my other most-read posts are associated with one or two days of popularity, but Smilin’ Bob gets a few hits almost every day… each by someone googling for “biggest dicks” or some variant.

I am Charles Darwin—ninety-nine point nine percentThere’s a little variation that I don’t share with the gentBut we share a common blueprint, which is kinda what he meantWhen he came to the conclusion that we’re all of shared descent

I am Charles Darwin—what I mean is, I am ManI’m a billion trillion accidents instead of One Big PlanJust a step or two from chimpanzee or from orangutanMaybe more than distant cousins, but you recognize the clan

I am Charles Darwin—I can’t help it; it’s my genesWe’re mutation and selection, see, when no one intervenesLike a god with claimed omnipotence, or alien machinesNone better and none worse than us, is really what it means

I am Charles Darwin—I was never Eden-cursedI am just another animal, I’m neither best nor worstFrom primordial beginnings, look how widely I’ve dispersedSuch a beautiful idea…Charles Darwin saw it first.

As I said before, I’m re-posting some of my favorites (and yours, if you let me know which ones) during this kinda sorta Fall Fundraiser Drive (tip jar over there on the right).

UPDATE!! I have been sent a rendition of this verse in song! A very nice ballad, with ukulele accompaniment, which you can hear here–just look to the player on the right of the page. As of this writing, it is the song on the bottom, but it looks like he has a bunch of original music there which I intend to listen to as soon as I am done writing this.

In sociobiology,Why I love you and you love me—Which anyone can plainly see—Is mostly in our genes.No, not the ones you buy in stores,But what a scientist explores–I like the way you look in yours,And you know what that means.

What subtly-coded stimulusTakes you and me, and makes us “us”And makes us feel ‘twas ever thus?The list of suspects narrows.No longer are we all a-shiverFrom some Cupid with a quiverOut of which he might deliverFusillades of Eros.

But if old Charles Darwin’s right,The reason that the merest sightOf you will always give delightIs…reproductive fitness.Throughout our species’ family tree,Producing proper progenyIs what determined you and meAnd Darwin was the witness.

Is thinking that you’re oh so sweetAnd how you’ll make my life completeSome trick to make our gametes meet?It seems it may be so.I feel the way I feel todayBecause some bit of DNASees your genetics on displayAnd wants to say “hello.”

But think of this, for what it’s worth:Millennia before my birthThat DNA had roamed the earth,In residents thereof;The neat thing is, it’s really true,The feeling that I have for youAlthough, of course, it feels brand-newIs truly ageless love.

As I said before, I’m re-posting some of my favorites (and yours, if you let me know which ones) during this kinda sorta Fall Fundraiser Drive (tip jar over there on the right).

This one has been reprinted in last year’s “The Open Laboratory”, and gets tons of hits every February, for some reason. Sadly, it has not yet shown up in the Hallmark aisle at the local drugstore.

A legislator, Sally Kern,Was simply voicing her concern,But Sally Kern was unaware,Or if she knew, she did not care,That someone had a microphoneSo Sally Kern was not alone.“Oh, I’m not anti-gay” said Sally,To the fifty-person rally;“But there are things you have to learn”And who will teach us? Sally Kern.Sally Kern, she knows the answer—Knows how gays are like a cancer,Knows they’re worse than terroristsIf Sally Kern can keep the lists.So Sally Kern must raise her voiceAgainst unhealthy lifestyle choice;The cost of life against God’s WordIs clear, the people gathered heard:Disease and death, and then you burnIn Hell, or so says Sally Kern.Then Sally Kern, in pure effrontery,Tells us gays will harm our country:If we embrace these sinful ways,Says Sally Kern, allowing gaysTo join the City Council ranksOr work in schools, or stores, or banks,Our country would be tempting fate,And all too soon would be too late.Now, such a stance may seem too sternBut heed the words of Sally Kern;If we let gays live right among us,Soon, like mold, or creeping fungus,Even straights will be infected—Sally Kern wants us protected.The path to safety is God’s Grace:We must protect the human race.Sally Kern just wants us purer…Right. Ein Volk, ein Reich, ein Fuhrer.

Special bonus: The Modest Agnostic’s youtube version of this verse!

As I said before, I’m re-posting some of my favorites (and yours, if you let me know which ones) during this kinda sorta Fall Fundraiser Drive (tip jar over there on the right).

This verse is one of my favorites for its seussian qualities, its hyperbole, and its godwinesque last line. This is one of those verses that pretty much came out in real time and in final form, and I really didn’t know what the last line would be until I got to the second to last. And The Modest Agnostic reads it so well! Much better than my own voice would be.

Image: Michael McRaeI thought I saw an atheist, once, walking down the street.I checked for horns, I checked for tail, I checked for cloven feet;Began to tremble frightfully—my heart was in my throat—Then sighed in happy recognition, for ‘twas but a goat.

I thought I saw an atheist, down near a swollen streamWith scaly skin, and blood so cold, I couldn’t breathe to scream!I looked into his bulging eyes, and prayed “God, grant my wish”Then laughed in my embarrassment—it only was a fish.

I thought I saw an atheist, with fur and pointed claws,And wicked teeth for chewing up Judeo-Christian laws,I ran, and tripped, and fell to earth, then hid behind a log—It caught me, though, and licked my face—of course, it was a dog.

I thought I saw an atheist, though cleverly disguisedNot giant and reptilian, but human, normal sized,It looked to be engaging in productive, useful labor;But no, this was no atheist—this person was my neighbor!

I thought I saw an atheist; in fact, I saw a few!My neighbor, and the grocer, and the cop, and maybe you!I even found some in the church, right there beneath the steeple;It turns out, to my great surprise… that atheists are people.

As I said before, I’m re-posting some of my favorites (and yours, if you let me know which ones) during this kinda sorta Fall Fundraiser Drive (tip jar over there on the right).

This verse is one of my favorites, and such a versatile structure! It was revisited twice (so far), first in a case of a Chicago state representative shouting down an atheist at a public meeting, as if atheists were somewhere below flatworms on her scale of respect:

…I thought I saw an atheist, upon the witness standIt couldn’t be! Not where I live! This is a Christian Land!The Constitution guarantees my right to scream and shout;As the Good Lord is my witness, I demanded “You! Get out!”

I thought I saw an atheist demand an equal voice;I told him he could leave right now, and that could be his choice.I said his view was dangerous–our children must not hear!It goes against the Bible, which our government holds dear!

I thought I saw an atheist nod quietly, and sigh.The odds were stacked against him, which no person can deny;What happens when a person is denied his civil right?I may have seen an atheist who’s now convinced to fight.

And then once more, when Liddy Dole’s senatorial campaign tried to gain votes by accusing her opponent of cozying up to … of all things… atheists!I thought I saw an atheistApproach a voting booth—Her voice was shrill, her eyes were wideHer manner quite uncouth;She tried to force her views on usAnd exercise control—I looked again—I’m wrong once moreWhy, this was Liddy Dole.

I thought I saw an atheistDiscriminate and hate;Deride a weak minorityBecause the hour’s late—To try to stir the massesShe’s been losing in the polls;I looked again, and listened well—Those words were Liddy Dole’s

I thought I saw an atheist,So “radical” and “vile”Wage war against America–A villain with a smilePromoting hate, promoting fearFor petty, selfish gain—I looked again, and clearly sawThe Liddy Dole campaign

I thought I saw an atheistStand up and say “no more!”I will not be your scapegoatLike so many times before!Americans, stand up as ChristianMuslim, Jew, and Pagan,Or atheist, or anything,And cast your vote for Hagan!

My God is pretty self-assured, and quite convinced He’s right.He made me in His image, so He’s green-eyed, blond, and white;And He’s very, very wrathful with the folks who disagree;He’ll hold a grudge for centuries—Oh, wait—that might be me.

He’s insecure enough to want to hear how much you love HimAnd He never will forgive you if there’s someone else above Him;He’ll jealously react to any threat to His domainBy smiting all His enemies—Oh, wait—that’s me again.

He’ll make the world a better place for those who think like HimFor those in opposition, well, the situation’s grim;He’ll call jihad, or else crusade—some form of Holy WarBecause He knows He’s always right—Oh, wait—that’s me once more.

He’s handsome, bearded, steely-eyed, deep-voiced and somewhat haughtySo wonderful, his naughty bits are never seen as naughtyBut perfectly proportioned, grand and firm and never shrinking,A miracle of awesomeness—Oh, wait—that’s wishful thinking.

As I said before, I’m re-posting some of my favorites (and yours, if you let me know which ones) during this kinda sorta Fall Fundraiser Drive (tip jar over there on the right).

This one was from May of 08–I remember it as being earlier than that, but such are memories. It was inspired by a poll in England, in which a majority of respondents apparently believe that god is, indeed, male. Likely white and bearded, too. It’s like the Sistine Chapel is a giant Polaroid shot.

My laptop computer is giving me fits;It will randomly fade into black.It looks like it simply is “going to sleep”–With a difference: I can’t get it back!

My car has a problem they can’t diagnose,And it’s rapidly starting to die;The gauges don’t work, and the power is weak,And my grease-monkey doesn’t know why.

My bike needs new shifters, new gears, and a chain,The socks I am wearing have holesWith two kids in college, and spouse out of workIt is difficult meeting my goals.

But I’m healthy, I’m happy, and looking aroundI can see, many more have it worse–I don’t think I’d trade places with anyone else…I’ll just sit here, complaining in verse.

Ok… every word of that is true, but this is not meant to be a pity-inducing post; I am very much aware that a great many people (including, I would assume, some of my readers) are in far worse shape than I am. Last time I actively asked for money, I had a specific and immediate need, and my readers showed a generosity so far beyond any real-life people [read: my damned department] that it was my readers who made the single most amazing experience of my last 5 years (maybe more; I am being conservative) possible. I am not in such straits this time, and I am not trying to guilt-trip anyone.

But I am going to gently ask for money. No hard-sell, though; I am not threatening to stop posting (I am much too obsessive–if nobody donates a cent, I’ll still be here); I have no pressing problems (other than what is in the verse above, which could probably describe a great many lives, and is no great hardship); I have no claim of charitable need-based donating. If, though, you read and enjoy this site, please consider clicking the tip jar over there on the right. It’s the time of year when I start figuring out cephalopodmas spending, and right now my budget is zero. (Which, I will be the first to admit, puts me way ahead of a staggeringly large number of people whose budget is negative.)

For the next few days, I will be posting some “best of” re-posts. This is for two reasons. One–I have a lot of grading I need to get to, and a laptop to bring in for repair, and a car to set fire to, and a bike to fix, and socks to darn. Two–according to google analytics, the vast majority of people who visit here don’t look at the older posts, and I really like some of them! So if you have a favorite you’d like me to repost, just let me know in the comments here or in email, and I’ll surely get to it!