The Stuff No One Tells You About Divorce

February 27, 2017

I found out my divorce was official via a random email on a Saturday morning around 4 am about 6 weeks after I had moved out of our home and in with my parents. I couldn’t sleep so I picked up my phone, and suddenly saw the email from my attorney. Somehow the divorce had become finalized and no one thought to tell me about it until 10 days after the fact. At 4am on a Saturday morning I found out I was officially not married.

It was a very weird feeling knowing that he was now no longer my husband, and I soon realized that there were so many things no one had ever told me about what happens after you are actually divorced.

I realized how I was far from okay, and wondered if I ever would be again.

No one ever told me how hard it would be to pack up the last of my things and walk away from my home forever. No one told me how scared I would feel the minute I had backed out of the driveway.

No one had told me how painful divorce really would be, even after the ink on the papers were dry. Nobody had told me how much I would grieve the loss of something so significant in my life, or how I’d have days when I could do nothing but cry.

No one had told me about the heartache I’d feel the first few times (and every time after) that I had to say goodbye to my children; or how lost I would feel when I was no longer a part of their day-to-day lives for at least half the time. No one told me how I would have to redefine myself as a mother.

No one ever told me how sad holidays would become, as I would sit there remembering past holidays where we were all together. No one ever told me how depressed I would be the first time I celebrated one of those holidays without my children.

No one had ever warned me about the people who would drop out of my life when everything was said and done. No one had ever told me how it would feel when I later looked at pictures of me with those people, and felt the loss of the love of those people who were no longer in my life.

No one had warned me that when we all sat down at our table of six, how empty that sixth chair would suddenly feel, and how quiet we all were the first time we all sat at that table without him there.

No one had told me how it would feel the first time I’d see him with his new someone, or see how happy he was, and suddenly realize he had never been like that with me.

No one had told me how it would feel to know that she had replaced my place in the family, and how it would feel to know that people who once loved me now would have nothing to do with me.

No one told me how angry I would be at him, at myself, at the Universe, for failing to live up to the promise “until death do us part.” No one told me how guilty I would feel, for uprooting my children’s lives, my husband’s life, or my life.

No one had told me just how much I would cry over the loss of something I’d had for exactly half of my life.

No one had told me that it would take a while to heal, but that something greater would rise up and take its place in my life.

No one had told me of the good changes that would happen in the years after my divorce.

No one had told me that, while I would lose a lot of other people, that others would keep themselves firmly in my life and would continue to love me unconditionally; or that people I had lost touch with would once again be very present in my life.

No one had told me that one day I would wake up and realize that it had been months since I had cried, or felt angry, or felt sorry for myself.

No one had told me I would finally be able to forgive myself, and forgive everyone else in the process, too. And how freeing that feeling of forgiveness really would be.

No one had told me that while I would still have those moments of sadness, how quickly I would rebound and remind myself how good my life is.

No one had told me just how much I would learn to stand up for myself and not let everyone walk all over me. No one told me how amazing that would feel.

No one had told me that while change is hard, sometimes change is completely necessary.

No one told me that life would go on and I would learn to adapt to my life as is, create new traditions, and reinvent myself and my life.

No told me how weird it feel knowing that he once was but is no longer my husband. Or that life will never be quite the same again.

There are so many things that no one ever tells you about divorce, and what happens afterwards.

5 thoughts on “The Stuff No One Tells You About Divorce”

Very well stated. Divorce is almost like a “secret process” that cannot be truly understood by anyone who hasn’t gone through one themselves – and it’s a painfull and mostly private journey. It washes over so many of us (pick your favorite cited % of marriages that end in divorce) – yet it mostly happens “under the radar” and invisible to the eyes of most of the world around you, like a hidden disease. You feel like you’re the only one going through it sometimes, and wonder “why didn’t anyone tell me about this before?” because it’s something most people avoid talking about because it’s such a sad and negative topic for folks NOT going through one themselves. Like disease. Turns out the disease of divorce is survivable though.

It absolutely feels like a disease, but a survivable one at that. People have tons of advice when you are actually going through the divorce (legal etc) but that advice all seems to disappear once the divorce is actually final. People don’t seem to understand that the finalization of the divorce does not mean the end of the process.

I needed to read this today, thank you. I fear I am in the final stages of my marriage. Just a matter of when. When I get the courage to hand him the letter I wrote today as well as the article by Matthew Fray (My Wife Left Me Because I Left Dishes By the Sink). You give me hope that I will be ok. Even though I won’t have insurance and even though I will only be able to afford a small apartment. But to stay any longer is risking losing the essence of who I am. I fear I am becoming bitter and full of resentment the longer I stay. 17 years is a long time to be with someone and I have never been on my own. I am scared, but you give me hope.

When I got divorced we had been married for almost 17 years and together for 19; and I had never been on my own, either. I moved out with little money to my name and no place to live. Those were the scariest days of my life but I do not regret my choice at all and ultimately I have a much better life now then I would have ever had were I to stay with him. Best of luck to you and thank you for reading.