Thursday, June 17, 2010

I hate Redeyes!

I’m one of those unlucky people who can’t sleep on planes. So I avoid Redeye flights whenever I can. Tonight, however I have to take one to Boston. There are no evening flights out of Los Angeles that don’t ask you to change planes in Dallas, Chicago, and Bogotá. You leave six hours earlier but still arrive two hours later and your luggage catches up to you Thursday.

So I’m on the Redeye. Fortunately, it’s JetBlue and they have those TV monitors at every seat. But it’s the middle of the night. There’s nothing on but informercials and the eighth repeat of Sportscenter. And you can't use your phone so I can't even ring up Miss Cleo's Psychic Hotline (I would like to know how the Dodgers are going to do against the Red Sox).

I can try to read but that’s still hard with my recovering eye. And I don’t have a Kindle or iPad yet and I find it’s hard to adjust the font size of actual books.

So I’ll twist and turn and try to sleep. If you have any suggestions I’d love to hear ‘em. I dunno. Maybe I'll just get one of those masks to cover your eyes like the pilots use.

I have trouble sleeping on planes also but I find that with live TV tuning to something interesting enough to hold my attention for a bit and shut my brain down (ie Sports Center) but boring enough for me to fall asleep helps. Good luck. I hate redeyes too.

As you board the plane, tell one of the stewards - The life of everyone on board depends upon just one thing: finding someone back there who can not only fly this plane, but who didn't have fish for dinner.

Alcohol? Movies on a laptop? Telling your life story to a captive audience? Singing "Near My God, to Thee" every time you hit an air pocket? Playing Spot the Air Marshall? Looking for gremlins on the wing? I'm shocked--SHOCKED!--that a creative guy like you has this problem.

I used to have a foolproof sleep method for planes, Actifed plus a beer, and then I'd wake up in Japan or Australia, a little groggy and dehydrated but at least not exhausted. Now they don't make Actifed anymore (boo, stupid meth-heads). You could try Benadryl or Tylenol PM, or if you know any fancy Hollywood Dr. Feelgoods, get some of the good stuff.

Or...get some books on CD and load up your iPod. I recommend the Lee Child books, Anna Quindlen's Black and Blue, Dick Francis, The Kite Runner, maybe Sue Grafton if you like her stuff—all those work well in the audio versions. They have audiobooks in airport bookstores.

And now back to my large print book (libraries have books just for us half-blind people).

Sometimes, the view from airplane windows is gorgeous at night.The wavering city lights, moving car lights, pitch-black forest and the image of people living several hundred feet below.Some cities are bigger and some are smaller.

Watching down from airplane, imaging what's there in the dark is a good entertainment for me.

I love to listen to audiobooks on my iPhone. Some comics with great recent memoirs: George Carlin, Kathy Griffin, and Sarah Silverman. I like hearing comedians read their books more than reading the books myself. Carlin's brother read his; their voices are very similar.

The terrific novel The Help is performed by four great actresses on audio. A treat!

Also, you could go into your nearest Barnes and Noble, get their Nook e-reader, load it up in the store, and you'd be good to go with e-books in large font.

Never could sleep on planes either, so (fatalist that I am) on redeyes between LA and some destination back east, I would always put on the headphones and turn the channel selector to the channel carrying the frequency for the transmissions between the pilot and the air traffic controllers, figuring that if this plane is going down somewhere over the Grand Canyon, at least I'll know well enough in advance to take a look out the window before impact....

1) Cripe, try to find the nightly reality series with 4 lowlifes playing poker. That sure gets my old juices flowing.

2) Wear a Lakers jacket. Bound to stimulate some lively discussions. (One encouraging development in sports: Ron Artest, arguably the MVP in tonight’s win over the Celtics, moved to LA from Houston this past year. Succumbing to the Los Angeles vibe, and obviously now possessed by the devil, he completely forgot about thanking “God” for tonight’s narrow win, and blessed his psychiatrist instead. Is this a great country or what?)

3) Give yourself a hotfoot. I’m tellin’ ya, it’ll really kill.

4) Order the kosher meal (ok the kosher nuts), then tell people you’re on your way to Jerusalem to mediate today’s fight over whether the Ultra Orthodox should allow their daughters to attend school with the daughters of the only ridiculously Orthodox. I understand their fear is their kids could get something from the others – like a “clue.” I really do hope to catch a glimpse of those thousands of guys marching through the streets in tall fur hats to support a type of segregation I never even heard of before. It’s like a Jewish PETA wet dream.

PS. My favoite sleeping mask observation was Jack Paar's during his feud with Dorothy Kilgallen. He claimed the black lace mask she wore when they had to guess the mystery guest on What's My Line was actually her bra.

I second the Podcast idea and by the way, if you haven't already picked up some good noise canceling headphones you should. They will make the flight much more tolerable. I happen to think the Bose are worth the money, but there are other less expensive ones available that do a good job. (I like the durability of the Bose)

Oh, and as an Angels fan could you do me a favor? Kick John Lackey in the **** if you get a chance. Thanks.

My best flight of all time was a redeye - Vegas to Newark on Thanksgiving night: There MIGHT have been 50 people on the plane - with 10 or so of them being Continental employees dead heading home. Three seats all to myself. Three blankets. Three pillows. The two senior FAs disappeared after takeoff. The pilot comes on during the taxiing, and essentially tells us HE is snoozing, and that the copilot is flying the plane tonight. I stretched out and halfway through HAIRSPRAY, I zonked out.

About KEN LEVINE

Named one of the BEST 25 BLOGS by TIME Magazine. Ken Levine is an Emmy winning writer/director/producer/major league baseball announcer. In a career that has spanned over 30 years Ken has worked on MASH, CHEERS, FRASIER, THE SIMPSONS, WINGS, EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND, BECKER, DHARMA & GREG, and has co-created three series. He and his partner wrote the feature VOLUNTEERS. Ken has also been the radio/TV play-by-play voice of the Baltimore Orioles, Seattle Mariners, San Diego Padres. and Dodger Talk. He hosts the podcast HOLLYWOOD & LEVINE

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