Friday, March 29, 2013

This is why I love my readers so. One among you, Tim, forwarded me a link from PornMD, which is a porn search engine where dear Tim coulda been looking up any weird-ass thing he desired, including such videos as "Bianca's Insane Monster Bush" or "This Ass Ain't So New Anymore."

But what tweaked his fancy was a nerdy sociological chart, Global Internet Porn Habits Infographic. There, you can click on a state or country and learn brain-clogging information such as "monster cock (gay)" is the second most popular search term in Kenya. Or that the more racist a southern state seems, the more likely "ebony" will be the most popular porn. Or that the people of the Czech Republic have a thing for "castrated shemales" and Icelanders like "prostate massage."

I also learned that it was a bad idea to click on the term "old man porn." Though, in hindsight, that probably should have been self-evident.

2. Happiness is a Warm Bum

Not sure what "healing" implies.

Meanwhile, lovely reader Christina sent in The 10 Worst Products for Men Ever Created which included such products--attention people of Iceland--the Prostate Gland Warmer. Apparently you stick the pointy end up your bum and the light bulb is there to...I don't know...to indicate to others that you've fired up the prostate warmer yet again?

Wrote Luis at Cracked: "We were rather discouraged to find out that the light bulb was not
activated solely by the mighty electrical currents generated by a human
rectum like a potato in a 4th grade science fair project." Indeed. I also kind of want the light to make that little sound Rudolph's nose makes when it lights up, but I think the Prostate Warmer technology of 1925 was not quite there.

3. "Hey Emma"

Finally, in response to the Vagina Panty! labiaplasty post, A MALE READER wrote in shouty caps.:

HEY EMMA: I READ SOMEWHERE THERE IS AREA NEAR NEW
ZEALAND WHERE THE WOMEN ALL HAVE EXTREMELY LONG INNER LIPS. THEY ARE
CALLED HOT-IN-TOTs. THE ARTICLE CONTINUES TO STATE THAT THIS IS
GENETIC, ESPECIALLY IN THIS AREA. CAN YOU EXPLORE THIS AND TELL ME IF I
WAS FOOLED OR IS THIS A TRUE FACT?

Dear MALE READER,
Thanks for sending me off on a tangent of learnin'. Yes, people of Khiokhoi tribe in Africa were called Hottentots by European immigrants, though that is considered to be a derogatory term. They did and do have elongated labia and some employ stretching techniques to further lengthen their lips and enhance their sexual pleasure and desirability.

According to Wikipedia which, you know, may or may not be accurate, Stephan Jay Gould said, "The labia minora, or inner lips, of the ordinary female genitalia are greatly enlarged in Khoi-San women, and may hang down three or four inches below the vulva when women stand, thus giving the impression of a separate and enveloping curtain of skin."

The Europeans were aroused and fascinated with these women and their bountiful lips but, instead of just accepting that fact and seeing where it led them, they decided that such labia clearly indicated moral depravity, racial inferiority and all-around sluttiness.

Right, she is the morally depraved one.

The most famous Khiokhoi was Sarah "Saartjie" Baartman who traveled around Europe in the 19th century as a freak show performer so people could gawk in moral superiority at her long (though veiled) lips as well as her buxom booty, another clear indication of her wanton sexuality.

But that was all a long, long time ago. And certainly nothing like the porn watchers of Alabama and Mississippi surreptitiously searching for their "ebony" action, right?

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The Six-Word Sexual Memoir Contest spawned over 50 entries and the unsettling knowledge that some among us are not the brightest of pennies. Said duller pennies include the more than one person who submitted a Six-Word story that was more like six-ish words, and me for not only not catching the 5 and 7 word entries, but sending them out into the world via Twitter and Facebook. (I mentally put the person who sent in a 4 word story into an even lower category because, dude, that's not even close.) Thank you to the sharp-eyed Stacey and Andy, now respectively the new IBWMW Minister and Deputy Minister of Word Countery.

So yes, obviously Samantha must win. But there were a ton (equivalent to 47 pounds, metrically) of great entries. Here are some of my favorites, but do go back and check out the original post if you want to see them all.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Now that we've mastered the delicate art of bad erotic haiku, we now move onto the Six-Word Memoir. The six-word memoir was popularized by Smith Magazine spurred by a challenge Hemingway was reportedly given to tell a story in six words. He wrote: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." (Although since Hemingway was known to leave his stories at a good stopping point so he'd be inspired the next day, perhaps the first day's draft read: "For sale: baby shoes, never...") I told my 11-year-old about the six-word stories and she went off to her room, coming back with "Party after war--no one came."

So yes, you can go all dark like Papa and my dear daughter, or you can take it whatever direction you'd like. My instructions are just this: write your sexual memoir in just six words.

The winner, chosen randomly, because who the fuck am I to judge your Art, man, will be announced Tuesday March 19.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

I have a thing for failed jokes. I love them. I collect them and savor them later.

One of my favorites is when I was returning a pair of pants and the clerk asked, "Reason for return?" "They're haunted," I said. Clerk edges away and speaks no more.

Or the time my neighbor and I were discussing a local vet's penchant for suggesting unnecessary surgery. "Oh," I said, looking at my dog, "Maybe I won't get Daisy that boob job then." Neighbor stares at me. Discomfort ensues.

I don't know why I like failed jokes so much. Maybe it's because it's so completely bad and awkward in the moment that celebrating them is only way to process it.

My latest failed joke, however, isn't gonna go down that way. It was a post I just did for Jezebel about vagina panties. (Sound familiar? It ran here first.) The idea was that instead of women getting unnecessary cosmetic labiaplasties they could instead just pop on a pair of these, panties with a vagina built right in:

You know, no muss, no fuss, fairly cheap, you can change 'em out as labia "styles" change... Ha ha--that was the joke. Whatever.

You may as well know this first. I also called this sort of cosmetic surgery "retarded," which was dumb. I thought that we had come to a point where we could judge from context whether retarded was a cruel and deliberate mockery of a mentally-challenged person vs. an adjective for something poorly thought through. I thought "retarded" had entered the vernacular, as did former medical terms "idiot" and "moron." But clearly it hasn't. I obviously regret that people felt hurt by my use of the term.

So yes, I get and am sorry for the whole "retarded" thing and my ableist ways.

However, here's what else Jezebel readers complained about: (I realize intellectually that Jezebel commentators are famous for being particularly
vitriolic and uber-PC, but it was
still pretty shocking to me how completely misunderstood my message was
and how personal the attacks were. "Fuck you, Jill Hamilton!" being one
such input. You can head over to Jezebel and view the carnage if you wish. You should probably take a pair of protective goggles along.)

Anyway, the complaints:

--I am mocking transfolk.*
This, I guess, comes from the fact that I wrote that the panties intended purpose was for "cross-dressers,
transfolk and the like." Because that's what they're for. Their product description says:

It was intended as a factual and neutral statement like "Skis are worn by skiers." Someone was furious because by saying transfolk instead of just folk, I was making transfolk different. Which I was, because in the one instance of who these panties were designed for--and that instance only--transfolk are different.

Perhaps I am wrong. Maybe there might be a day when I, a non-transgendered person, might want to pop on a pair and sport a double vagina look. Or hell, maybe two pairs and go triple vag. "You like what you see? I've got two more where that came from, honey."

--I am mocking women who had labiaplasty for medical reasons.
Jesus, how much of a jerk do they think I am? If you need the surgery, go to it, sister. If, however, you are like this woman who wrote to In Bed With Married Women a few months ago...

I was married to my high school sweetheart for 15 yrs. We recently
divorced, and he has no qualms about telling me before, during, and
after our marriage, how ugly my vagina is. I started looking into
medical intervention...

...perhaps a bit of sisterhood support (i.e. your vagina is gorgeous and he was a controlling asshole) might negate the desire for the surgery. I highly recommend Large Labia Project, a site that empowers women to celebrate their different sizes and shape of labia via photos and reader letters.

--I mentioned Naomi Wolf's book Vagina: A New Biography which someone was angry about because they didn't like the book.
What? I like that book. Suck it.

--I used the term vagina for vulva.
That's because the panties are called "vagina panties"--officially, for fuck's sake. And everyone knows what we're talking about anyway. That's the term Naomi Wolf uses as well and since I've already tossed my lot in with her, I'm sticking with it.

I also used the term Kleenex today, when more properly I should have said Kleenex Brand Facial Tissues. Please take up the issue with your congressperson.

xoxox
jill, a total cunt, possibly

*If you are transgendered and were offended by this, please explain to me your objections. I do take that one seriously and since I'm non-trans (CIS), I could very well be completely tone deaf on the topic. I don't want to be that guy who's like, "What's she so mad about? I just asked her if she's on the rag?" If you could just tell me your concerns, instead of yelling and possibly avoid the sentence, "Fuck you, Jill Hamilton," I'd be grateful.

About Me

I write In Bed With Married Women, a blog about sex in all its boring, strange, funny, smokin' hot glory. My work has also appeared in Salon, AlterNet, Cosmopolitan, Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly, Jezebel, Mad, Games and the Los Angeles Times. I look grumpy in all pictures whether grumpy or just kinda neutral.