Ok, so my situation is a little bit different than most on this site. I didn't have an actual affair but instead have looked at porn on the computer since I was a teen. Therefore when I met my BS in high school this was already happening. It has always been a sporadic habit and one I have always struggled with and tried to beat but to no success.

She told me she could deal with the porn but the lie is the issue. The problem is she feels like she was fooled into marrying somebody she didn't really know. I keep assuring her that all the happiness we have shared was real and that I have loved her from the beginning. I keep telling her about success stories where people are happier on the other side if the WS truly commits to changing themselves and putting in the hard work.

She asked me a question last night that I couldn't answer. She said, "have you read a success story where the spouse was lied to for the entire span of their relationship?"

Is there anyone out there that has been through this and made it? This is the core issue we are facing and I don't know how to respond to her. Like I said I just keep telling her that our marriage was real and the love I had for her through the years was genuine but she now views it through the lens of the lie. Help

DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States

krazy8516♀ 40076Member # 40076

Posted: 10:39 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013

Bigidiot (wow, that seems harsh, but you chose the name ):

I think many BS's will tell you that it is not the actual affair that breaks the relationship, but the lies that come before, during and after it. Your case is no different in that respect. I don't know your full story, but it sounds like yous BS feels betrayed by your use of porn (perhaps it's excessive?). And obviously, from your post, some kind of lie was involved. Once we realize that even a small portion of our marriage was a lie, it tends to make the entire relationship seem false. We begin to question everything. Every. Little. Thing. Were we ever really happy? Did we ever really know each other? What happened to the man/ woman I married? Did they ever even exsist?

It's exhausting, but it's just how the mind works. Lies are incredibly painful, especially from the one person we thought we could trust without question.

That being said, you really are no different from any other WS on this site. You need to work on regaining your BS's trust, and that is going to take time. There are plenty of success stories out there (I'm not one of them, yet). Trust can be rebuilt. But it's hard, and it takes time.

I don't know how to respond to her. Like I said I just keep telling her that our marriage was real and the love I had for her through the years was genuine

Keep telling her. But, more importantly, show her. 'Actions speak louder than words' may be a cliche, but it's deadly accurate. Right now, your love for her will be easier for her to see than to hear.

She found it and I came completely clean 7 weeks ago. Prior to that she has asked me about it and if I had ever done it. I lied to protect her because I knew it would crush her and I had good intentions of stopping. Problem is it never completely stopped. It wasn't excessive at all but that's not the point.

She says she could forgive me for it but she can't get past the fact that she feels like she didn't marry the person she thought she did because it was a lie from the start. She said she could almost handle it better if I had actually had a one time A because at least it would have been one lie.

I'm hoping there is someone out there who's situation is similar in that the BS dealt with a long term lie. That is her issue. She even told me last night that if she would have known she wouldn't have married me. That cut me deep because up until this point we have been so happy.

DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States

Lonelygirl10♀ 39850Member # 39850

Posted: 11:19 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013

BS here, hope it's okay for me to reply.

Before my WS confessed to the A, we had a mini Dday where he confessed to porn. I say mini Dday because the act of him looking at porn didn't actually bother me. What bothered me though was the lies about it. He had always told me that he viewed porn as morally wrong, and that's what I knew about him. Then he confessed to watching it, and I started wondering what other lies he told. The lie was way more damaging than the actual act.

To answer your question though about success stories, I am in a situation now where my WS lied to me our whole relationship. He had a ONS 3 months after we met, and didn't confess until much later in the relationship. We are still hanging on, so I don't know if it will be a success story or not. As a BS though, it's very hard to deal with because the whole relationship feels like a lie.

30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1424 | Registered: Jul 2013

JanaGreen♀ 29341Member # 29341

Posted: 11:30 AM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013

She said she could almost handle it better if I had actually had a one time A because at least it would have been one lie.

Mmmm, I doubt this, but just don't ever give her the chance to compare the two!

We did have this issue to an extent prior to D-Day. The issue wasn't so much the porn as that my husband was rejecting me sexually, turning a cold shoulder to me - and staying up late (as I discovered) viewing porn while I was lying in bed wishing he'd come and be with me.

There was that, and THEN he also lied about it.

We had never really discussed porn prior to marriage, so he didn't know my feelings about it. It wasn't really on my radar, and to him it was something secret and shameful to hide.

The lying is awful, it's awful to know that your partner can look in your face and lie.

But for me NOW (not then), as long as our sex life is healthy and I don't feel rejected, I don't really care if he looks at porn every once in a while. Hell, I look at it every one in a while. But that's US.

Do you think she REALLY would not have married you if she knew, or was that her anger/upset talking?

I think your attitude is really good, and I think it's good that you are taking this seriously and not blowing off her feelings.

Welcome to SI and good luck.

Edited to add - just curious - how long have you two been together, how old are you, and do you have kids? Are you each other's "only"?

My WW's long term affair was a boyfriend she was dating before she met me. She never ever told me about him and the affair lasted while we dated and continued until after we were married for 12+ years. We are working on R for almost a year now and so far it is a success. OM1 has always been in our life until the day I found out about it. It hasn't been easy given the depth of the betrayal but giving it time has helped.

As people we all lie, no one has never not lied. Now my lies to my wife have been more trivial, like "oh yes I took out the garbage", while I quickly do it before she finds out, it is still a lie. As people, we are not perfect. Lies regarding betrayal that are discussed on SI are big time lies and cut much deeper to our core. They take more time to heal from but it can be done.

One thing that my WW did that has helped me is she has told me all the good memories that she had of our history. It was important for me to not rewrite our entire history in a negative light based on the things she did to hurt me.

Do you think she REALLY would not have married you if she knew, or was that her anger/upset talking?

She was very angry when she said that.

One thing that my WW did that has helped me is she has told me all the good memories that she had of our history. It was important for me to not rewrite our entire history in a negative light based on the things she did to hurt me.

Thanks for saying that. I have been trying to express that to her. I even made her a book with a bunch of our old pictures where we are together to remind her of the good times and the love we shared. She keeps saying she sees it all in a different light now. I just keep reminding her that for me is was real, it was authentic and that I was and still am deeply in love with her. She just cannot get past the fact that she "married someone she didn't really know" in her words. I don't know how to change her view on this other than to just keep on reassuring her of my love for her then and now and to truly make a change in my life to have integrity and make sure this never happens again.

Thanks for the responses. I just needed to hear that we can get through this. I'm working my butt off but so far I feel like we are still at day one.

DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States

sailorgirl♀ 38162Member # 38162

Posted: 1:28 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013

1bigidiot,

Would your wife be willing to go to IC?

I don't understand the following:

The problem is she feels like she was fooled into marrying somebody she didn't really know.

Are you a totally different person than she thought because you privately looked at soft porn in moderation? Or is it because you lied about it?

If it's the porn, I don't see how the fact that you occasionally look at nude bodies completely changes her idea of you as a person. People are complex, and out of a thousand facets of you, she didn't know about one rather normal thing. The reason she didn't know is that she would have condemned, judged and punished you if you told her.

If you had felt like she would accept you, communicate with you about it, and try to understand why you sometimes looked at naked pics, would you have told the truth?

If it's the lying that changed her entire perception of you, did she think you were a person who could never lie under any circumstance? Because those people don't exist (with the exception of Jesus if you are a Christian).

She just cannot get past the fact that she "married someone she didn't really know"

Is it possible that your wife doesn't understand why you looked at porn and why you lied about it? Because she does know you. She knows you inside out, I'm sure. So maybe she is imagining some awful reason for your actions . . . does she feel that she was not enough for you or that you were addicted to porn or objectifying women? Maybe she thinks that people who look at nudes are somehow fundamentally different from others, or deviant.

Is there something in your wife's past that is making the porn and the lie bigger than everything else about you and your relationship?

Or were you avoiding intimacy with her to look at naked women? Or was it more hard core than that?

My husband hid things from me when we got married (the extent of his childhood abuse which had damaged him greatly). He felt like I wouldn't have married him if I had known how messed up he was. But, I would have. I saw his core, true self, and it was good and giving and just what I wanted. Of course he comes with weaknesses, as does everyone. But I am so glad I married him. If he had been totally honest and vulnerable with me, I only would have understood and loved him more.

His affair is not who he is. We had 11 happy, fulfilling years. Even a 17 month EA/PA with a flesh and blood OW did not erase our bond, our history, or our lovingly built relationship.

Sailorgirl, thank you for your perspective. I would give anything if I could get her to see the big picture of our marriage rather than seeing it as a total lie. That gives me hope that she can get there in time. As of right now she is not willing to go to counseling. I so wish I could change her mind.

Your comments about her marrying someone she didn't know are interesting. In our case she is totally hung up on the length of the lie and not the acts. I felt the need to lie because I didn't want to hurt her because we both share the same view of pornography. I actually share her view but have never been able to overcome my temptations.

I just wish she could begin to realize that our marriage in whole is so much bigger than the porn or the lies. Please don't misunderstand, I know this is devastating to her right now and I have caused her an immense amount of pain but I keep telling her we can make it through this once she realizes that I am 110% committed to change and once some time has passed and she has gained some perspective about the entirety of our marriage.

DDay 7/23/13
TT on 3/5/14 - Finally came completely clean
Finally working on making real changes in my life, one day at a time.

Posts: 174 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: United States

Expect Delays♀ 23981Member # 23981

Posted: 2:49 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013

When I was dating my husband, I was clear on my view of pornography - of the whole industry in general, actually. I knew that not every man, possibly not even most men, would agree with me.

Everyone has the right to make their own choices.

That includes me.

But, instead of allowing me to choose someone who agreed with me, my husband lied to me - for three years of dating and sixteen years of marriage.

Of course, in my situation, he not only viewed porn, he also cheated on me before and after the marriage.

And I've never understood, and still don't more than four years after he finally gave me the truth, why he couldn't just shake my hand, say it was nice to meet me, and allow us to go our separate ways back in 1990. It's beyond my understanding why someone would choose a relationship that required constant lies.

After we were married, it did not take me long to realize my husband hid his porn viewing, although he wouldn't truly admit it, just tried to hide the evidence better. It took me until our sixteenth anniversary to be given the truth about the other women. That's nineteen years of lies, when you add it up. And, of course, I added it up.

So, I think I understand your wife's perspective. In some small way, anyway

Your wife is asking for success stories. We might be one. But I won't be certain until one of us is laid out in a funeral home. Right now, today, more than four years from D-day, we're still together, reconciling.

What matters is your choices - today, tomorrow, every day for the rest of your life.

If you feel that viewing porn is not healthy for you, then (in my opinion) you need to find the reason or reasons you still turn toward it. Is it a coping mechanism for stress? Boredom? Whatever it is, you will have to work to exchange unhealthy choices for healthy ones.

But if you don't really feel that viewing porn is unhealthy for you, then be honest with her. You both deserve a relationship without secrets, lies, and shame.

A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail By Now.

Posts: 717 | Registered: May 2009

Lonelygirl10♀ 39850Member # 39850

Posted: 6:59 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013

I felt the need to lie because I didn't want to hurt her because we both share the same view of pornography. I actually share her view but have never been able to overcome my temptations.

This is just my guess, but I'm thinking that this is why she is so upset. Like I said up above in an earlier post, I didn't care that my WS looked at porn. Every man I've ever dated looked at porn, and I never had the expectation of a partner not viewing it. However, when I met WS, he made a big deal out of telling me that he didn't watch porn because he thought it was immoral. He viewed porn as a form of cheating, since to him it meant he wasn't being faithful in his mind. So, when he confessed that he had been watching it, the lie really bothered me. I felt that he had led me to believe one thing about himself in order to make me like him, and it made me wonder what else he had lied about in order to make me like him. I'm guessing that is what your BS is doing. If you lied about this one thing, she's probably wondering if there's other things you lied about.

30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1424 | Registered: Jul 2013

musiclovingmom♀ 38207Member # 38207

Posted: 8:18 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013

So, when my H and I first started seeing each other, we were both seeing several other people. After a couple of months, we decided that we wanted to only see each other. I told the guys I'd been going out with and he told the women he'd been seeing - except for one. He kept her on an emotional string (though she clearly knew about me) for months. When we'd been together 6 months, I went out of town and he slept with her. From there, he moved on to an emotional affair with a mutual friend. When I told him I was uncomfortable with the closeness of their friendship, we both stopped talking to her, except he didn't. He actually started a physical affair with her inside about two weeks. It continued through his proposal, and several months after our engagement. During that time, he added 2 women he met online while he was working out of state to his PA list. I asked several times if he had someone there (he just seemed to spend more time away than his co-workers) and he swore it was only me. When he moved on from those women, he picked up an old gf on fb. I got a terrible feeling then and pulled his phone records. Hundreds of texts and calls at all hours and yet he swore they were just friends. Even sent me screen shots of some messages to ease my mind. 3 days before our wedding, she messaged me to out their relationship. That's the day he mostly stopped lying to me. I married him anyway. We are almost 13 months out from that day and I still tell him that the hardest thing is not having a single memory that isn't tainted by his lies. However, he is working so hard to fix himself, to comfort me, to heal our marriage, to prove that being with me is what he really wanted all along. It hasn't been pretty or fun, but we are definitely moving uphill.

Posts: 1330 | Registered: Jan 2013

bionicgal♀ 39803Member # 39803

Posted: 8:28 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013

Sailorgirl, that is one of the most positive and affirming things that I have read on SI. . .that the affair doesn't define him, and that the affair can't destroy what you built up to that point. Did you always feel that way?

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2505 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA

somanyyears♂ 26970Member # 26970

Posted: 8:55 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013

..

She said, "have you read a success story where the spouse was lied to for the entire span of their relationship?"

..raising hand..

..fww lied to me and kept me in that lie for 40 years.

..are we a 'success story'????

..i'd like to think so.... but i've learned (at 66) that nothing is for sure and it's hard to believe anything anymore!

smy

trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer !!

Posts: 4265 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs

LosferWords♂ 30369Member # 30369

Posted: 10:03 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013

She said, "have you read a success story where the spouse was lied to for the entire span of their relationship?"

My wife and I are working through it, and we are hopefully a success story in progress. We both had major lies that we had covered up for 15 years, which was the entire duration of our relationship when the d-days happened. You can read my profile for the details.

There are some pretty dire and seemingly hopeless situations that can become wonderful success stories if the proper amount of love and hard work is put in by both parties.

Good luck to you.

Posts: 11743 | Registered: Dec 2010

tired girl♀ 28053Member # 28053

Posted: 10:51 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013

I felt the need to lie because I didn't want to hurt her because we both share the same view of pornography. I actually share her view but have never been able to overcome my temptations.

I really see a need for you to look at this statement more closely. You have said this more than once and I see that until you are willing to really look at why YOU have this desire, you cannot move forward with how YOU want to deal with it. Right now all of your energy and focus is on your wife. That does nothing to resolve why you chose to lie to her for so long. I personally don't see the issue as the porn at all. The issue was why you felt you couldn't be honest with the person you have said you loved.

What was going on with you, or between the two of you that you chose to lie instead of be honest?

Me45 Him 45 Hardlessons DS 25,23,20
D Day 1/18/10 his 3/8/2012 mine
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 5446 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: az

gonnabe2016♀ 34823Member # 34823

Posted: 11:34 PM, September 12th (Thursday), 2013

Bigidiot. I am a BS with a non-success story and I would like to share my perspective with you, with the understanding that this is MY perspective only, because there are some parallels. My actual situation is different from yours (my stbx is a serial-cheater) but the long-term lying about an issue (who you are) is the same. And also, a lot of your clean-up work looks the same.....which is not a good harbinger since I'm divorcing him and want nothing at all to do with him.

You did betray you wife, but the fact that there wasn't any physical contact is a big step-up for you. At least she doesn't have the mind-movies of you actually *being* with someone else or invading *her* privacy by sharing *who SHE is* with someone else. From what I understand from your posts, your betrayal was strictly limited to *viewing.*

BUT. The fact is that you portrayed yourself to be someone that you weren't. And she has a problem with that and you are discounting and minimizing her concerns.

I felt the need to lie because I didn't want to hurt her because we both share the same view of pornography

This statement is very troubling to me. My thoughts piggy-back onto what UO expressed in one of your other threads. She talked about your *shadow self*.
The bottom line is that you and your wife do NOT share the same view of porn. Your *public* self may claim that porn is the *devil's work* and whatnot....but your *shadow self* LOVES it. It's a dichotomy. A cognitive dissonance. You are *telling* yourself that you don't condone porn....but you do, kwim? If you honestly shared your wife's view of it, then looking at it would not even be an option for you, it wouldn't have even been on your radar...... Accept that and own it.

IMO, you didn't lie about your porn viewing in order to *protect* your wife, you lied about it to protect yourself because you knew what her stance on it was and if she knew about your usage, then you would have to stop and you didn't want to.

I'll bet that your BW DID mean it when she said that she wouldn't have married you if she had known. While my stbx and I were dating, I flat-out told him "I'm not gonna be with a guy that goes to strip clubs" and I meant it. He told me that he had gotten enough of *that* while he was in the Navy. I believed him. Well guess what he's been doing for the last 20 years? Going to strip clubs and lying about it. If he had been honest with me about *who* he was and what his proclivities were....I would NOT have married him. But for whatever reasons at the time (FOO, PD, whatever), he didn't. He *shined* me on for his own self-serving reasons.

Here's what I wanted as a BS who had a long-term con pulled on her: I wanted my stbx to actually BE that guy that he had portrayed himself to be. I wanted to see him giving 1000% to become THAT guy.

If you truly want to salvage your relationship, pleasepleaseplease STOP trying to convince your BW that your memories of the marriage are awesome and that it was *authentic*. Because to her, that just isn't true. You were lying about yourself to her. When my stbx would *wax poetic* about our marriage and send me *remember when* pictures....all it did was push me that much further away.

You need to understand that in your BW's eyes, right now the marriage is NOT so much bigger than the porn and the lies. You are a total stranger to her right now. Sure she might *know* that you like butter instead of jelly on your toast and which sports teams that you like, and that you'll get upset if she says <x>, so she better say <y>....but to her, right now, you are someone that she doesn't even know.

I think that I read in another of your posts that you are not in IC? Drop the idea of MC right now. I'm getting the feeling that you BW is gonna have NONE of that.

I will guarantee you that your BW wants to see you shake your tail to IC in order to figure out how to reconcile who you *think* you are with who you *really* are and to see you making forward steps into melding the two.

Right now I think you are white-knuckling it. And I'll bet that your BW is just waiting for you to *mess up* again. There's a post in the Wayward Forum titled 'Dry Adultery'....I'm not sure which page it is on....but you should find it and read it.