My Tabs

Jan 31, 2014

He lights his cigarette and passes it on to me, and I light mine off it.

My veins are laced with too much wine, and tobacco, and weed, and my mind conjures up a movie-like sequence, that maybe should best be left up to the movies. Pretty bokeh, blue inky sky et al. I may kiss you if you keep looking at me like that, I say. Then you should, you reply lazily. We smile a synchronous smile, and I should have known, standing with you in a semi-lit room, that this day would go down in history as That Which Should Not Have Happened. We kiss, and the stunning unfamiliarity of your whiskey breath, hits me the second our lips touch.. but no, it is too late to stop now. Pandora's box is open now, and secret and hidden desires are spilling out.. no matter how much she may regret revealing them later on. I need not look into the future to predict if I will or will not stop. I already know this mistake was meant to carry on, write itself in stone, irreversible, immovable.

In a semi-lit room, you undress me, and there is too many substances flowing freely through my system, to worry about consequences. I breathe in your scent, and again, my mind mildly registers its unfamiliarity, something that it had always just imagined, never verified. Now it does, and I drink up your scent, your taste.. It is crude, and hurried, but its done. Its sealed. Its becomes the marker in time, that will always demarcate when I was faithful, and when I was a cheater.

I open my eyes some time later, and for a second, I try fooling myself into thinking it does not matter, it will remain within these dirty sheets, inside this dirty room. But my eyes open soon enough, and my heart goes down buried in a landslide of deep sharp rocks. There is extra gravity on my heart, thats pulling me down.

~

Two days later, I meet you in the airport lounge. Twelve hours of flight-time, and yet there is no trace of tiredness in your eyes. Instead there is eager puppy love, which had always amused me. I can tell you are glad to see me.. and you are glad that I am still here with you. That you managed to keep me where you thought I belonged. Where I know now I was always supposed to belong. But its too late now, much too late now.

I allow myself a moment. I crash into you, into your strong arms, like I was begging for you to save me from myself. Curve my body into yours, ignore the noise around us, because soon there is going to be silence between us... and silence is scarier than noise right? Something broke, will you help me fix it please my love? Please please please don't go, please stay? I inhale your scent and allow myself moments when you still think everything is happy and shiny and perfect in our little world, because I know in a few moments I am going to tell you. I am going to tell you that I cheated on you, and see your face change, the light go out in your eyes and the warmth fade from your hands. Things are going to change, forever. Written in stone, irreversible, immovable.

We drive in silence, you are taking me through roads I have never known, but I am too afraid to say anything. I let you drive blindly, and I dare not sneak glances at you. I am afraid to touch you, to fake my excuses, to say he did it first, to say I was too drunk, to open my mouth and form syllables at all, because I am just too afraid. I am afraid to remind you that I told you I sucked at relationships, that I know I will screw it up.. because now to my own self my words sound hollow and made up. You finally stop outside my home, and allow me a minute to gather my things and step out, and then you drive away. You left.

We must survive this. Its you and me, we are meant to be. This can make us stronger, but just let me in. Let me in and try and gather the pieces of the mess I made. Let me in, because I need to. But the phone does not ring. I sit in the silence, and listen to the tick-tock of the wall clock, watch shadows deepen across the walls, and wait for something to change, knowing all to well in my cheating heart that it never will.

~ Annie.

P.S: Cigarette smoking & continued drug use are injurious to health. No really.