Disclaimer: I didn’t enjoy this episode as much as I wanted to. I kind of got bored. And I kind of got distracted. And then I started drawing snakes. If you value your life I would check in again next week.

JB is on the road again, except by road I mean sky – she’s off to London on a well deserved vacation. Naturally she’s flying first class, and her fellow first-classians are a bit of an odd bunch.

Captain Janeway Sonny Greer is on her way to London with her bodyguard/boytoy Leon the professional, and is carrying a buttload of diamonds to celebrate. In the first class departure terminal she bumps into her friend Dr Cliff Strayhorne, travelling to London to perform plastic surgery on Lady Cordelia Snotley-Bottom. (Not her real name. Lady Cordelia Snotley-Bottom is actually my alias. I begged to be introduced as such at my brother’s wedding in August but it was denied.)

After a run-in with a paparazzo Sonny also literally bumps into Our Heroine who was minding her own business and eating prawn puffs. She is rescued by Scotland Yard detective Errol Pogson (who is being played by David Hemmings who is in Deep Red which is the GREATEST HORROR MOVIE OF ALL TIME and I’m not saying it’s available to watch on You Tube and that you should go and watch it right now because it is better than this episode, but I’m suggesting it, okay?)

Boarding the plane, Jess is less than thrilled to discover she’s sitting next to Gunnar Globle (not kidding), who appears to be playing the role of Michael Bay. When the flight attendant tells JB he’s a big fan and to let him know if there’s anything he can do to make her flight more comfortable (wink wink) Gunnar says “Level with me. Are you anybody?”

Aren’t we all, though.

Despite Gunnar’s request for more explosions and more aliens, JB is less than keen to take a look at the script. It’s only when Gunnar boasts of his dealmaking prowess, and that he will close this deal even if it takes the whole flight to London to do it that Jess agrees to read it.

I dunno, Offroad Aliens sounds amazing! *Coughs*

While a shady elderly couple refuse to have their bag put in the overhead, a flight attendant gets the booze rolling for Captain Janeway Sonny Greer and Leon the professional gets his hypnosis tape ready for the flight. Unfortunately for him, his Walkman (naww) isn’t working. To cope with this, he goes to the bathroom, smacking into another passenger on the way. Poor Leon is not having a good day.

JB is bored. (I’m not kidding, I kind of am too). The inflight movie is boring and the bathroom has been taken over by a bloke shaving. Fortunately, the movie ends, they hit a patch of turbulence, snakes drop out of the overhead compartments and Leon flops over dead in his seat.

Image not altered.

Flight attendants come to move the body and the hordes of snakes out of sight (because lord knows you can’t have a corpse in first class). Sonny remembers her necklace but a search of the body and his bag reveals nada. The diamond necklace has been stolen. Presumably taken hostage by the snakes.

Errol outs himself as a Scotland Yard detective and decides to search the belongings of the first class passengers, which doesn’t please Gunnar or the shady old couple. Jess offers her assistance, and Errol gratefully accepts, saying he’s a bit up in the air at the moment.

UGH.

JB volunteers to be the first one searched. A passenger sitting down the front volunteers his thoughts on how the diamond might be disposed of on the European black market. He introduces himself as John Sukahara, a gem dealer and offers himself up to be the next one searched.

This escalated quite quickly.

Errol steps in, so JB instead goes to take a peek at the body. The blueish tinge under the fingernails tells her Leon was poisoned. BY SNAKES, OBVIOUSLY. She asks for the ticketing records and seating chart for the first class cabin and works out that since Sonny only booked her flight to London that day, anyone who booked after her might be the ones who stole the necklace. That rules out everyone except Sukahara, so they decided to search the cabin crew’s luggage just for the hell of it. This turns out to be a wise move, as the necklace turns up in the bag belonging to one of the stewardesses, Kay Davis.

UGH I’M SO BORED WHERE IS SAMUEL L JACKSON?

Mr Sukahara pops up again to take a look at the necklace and informs them it’s a fake. Back to the drawing board, Errol searches the belongings of the shady old couple and finds their poodle they’re smuggling into England for a holiday. Man, they could have been at least smuggling meth or something. Errol has a brainwave and checks the flight manifests for all airlines flying from Boston to London on that day – and turns up the same passenger booked on every flight, including theirs, Otto Hardwick. Another search of his possessions reveals a can of shaving cream, and if we’ve learned nothing from Jurassic Park (apart from confirmation that they do move in herds) it’s that shaving cream is an excellent way to smuggle things. Errol unscrews the bottom of the can and finds more snakes the necklace.

“Close shave, eh Hardwick?” Says Errol.

Not even bad puns are going to save this episode.

Errol ties Hardwick up with some wool pinched from Shady Old Lady’s knitting bag (because ain’t no one escaping from woollen handcuffs) and Hardwick confesses to the theft, and to murdering Leon.

SNAKES.

Job concluded, the plane lands and Errol takes Hardwick off the plane to escort him to Scotland Yard but is stopped by airport security. Apparently the customs chief needs a word with him.

And by chief, I mean boss. And by boss, I mean JB. Because apparently, Hardwick wasn’t working alone. JB worked it out when he confessed to murdering Leon, a murder he absolutely didn’t commit because he didn’t need to. He had the necklace. But, he admitted to the theft, and that told JB that Errol was his partner in crime. Does that even make sense to anyone?

More to the point, who killed Leon?

Oh. Well, fine, whatever.

He was leaving her so she killed him. Whatever. Fletcherfans, that episode suuuuuuuuuucked. Lets hope next week is better. In the meantime, here’s a video of Oprah Winfrey unleashing a swarm of killer bees on a joyous audience.

Disclaimer: My attention wandered in this episode. You have been warned.

Roadtrippin again this week Fletcherfans, this time to Sweet Home Alabama where Our Heroine is kicking back with her pal Ames Caulfield after a hardcore week of partying at a writers conference. Sadly, it all goes a bit pear-shaped en route to Ames’s estate and they break down outside of Hoopville.

While the car gets fixed, JB and Ames adjourn to the hotel which (in an Amazingly Unforeseen and Unpredictable Coincidence) is owned by a former student (and obvious former flame) of Ames’s, Cassie Burns along with her son Matthew-the-musician who is surprisingly adult if you know what I mean, nudge nudge wink wink etcetera.

Following up on the incredibly subtle suggestion that Matthew might be Ames’s son, Ames goes to watch Matthew play (and flirt with a perm called Linda) at the bar on the outskirts of town while the bar owner Frank Kelso shows off his new gun toy before the peace is Completely and Utterly Disturbed by zombies the arrival of Linda’s brother Ed and his minions Andy and Billy who like booze and bullying. And eating brains, probably.

Fun fact: the middle zombie is Jackie Earle Haley and the one on the left is from CHiPS. You’re welcome, people on their way to a trivia night.

On a semi-unrelated topic….

Sometimes I even scare myself…anyway, head zombie Ed decides he doesn’t like Matthew making loverboy-eyes at his sister and tells him accordingly. This amazingly leads to a massive brawl and Ed ordering Matthew to stay away from singing and his sister (in that order). The zombies take off in their zombiemobile car with Matthew in hot pursuit, telling Linda that he’s going to kill Ed even if he is her brother. Ames is left standing in the dust looking perplexed.

I can’t even begin to speculate what is going to happen next.

Back at the hotel JB is up late working (because that’s just how she rolls) when she hears Ames come in. As she looks pointedly at her watch, sirens blare outside. Because Ed the zombie is dead. Not undead, just dead. Dead Ed. OH THE SURPRISE.

The next morning, Ames quickly recruits JB to come to the aid of Matthew, who has been arrested for the murder of Zombie Ed. Down at the sheriff’s office, Ames tries all sorts of name-dropping tricks in an effort to see Matthew but the sheriff and Daniel Day-Lewis are unmoved.

That Daniel Day-Lewis is so good he can even play a painting.

IMDB has just informed me that the Sheriff of Hoopville is also Shredder from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Mind. Blown. The Sheriff tells Our Heroine and Ames about the mountain of (circumstantial) evidence proving Matthew killed the zombie Ed, but admits that he has doubts about Matthew’s guilt. He also says that despite this, Matthew is a lot safer inside the jail than out on the streets where the local townsfolk are baying for revenge. JB and Ames return to the hotel where the clerk tells Ames that Cassie wants to see him at home immediately. JB stops him to ask if he remembers seeing anything after the fight to prove that Matthew is innocent but Ames can’t remember a thing.

I’ll be honest – I think JB solved this case about twenty minutes ago and she’s just stringing everyone along.

Outside the sheriff’s office the angry mob is taking time out of its schedule to get good and drunk. Bar owner Frank Kelso drops by with more booze and tells Andy that he’s sorry that Ed was a zombie murdered. Andy is having none of it though. Apparently everyone knew that Frank Kelso’s wife was having a thing with Ed before she went to “visit her mother” which is apparently code for “run off with the hardware salesman”. Frank hulks out but is silenced with a punch to the face.

JB goes to see the Sheriff to get the latest news and meets the Hoopville version of Doc Hazlitt, who is JB’s biggest fan even without having read any of her books. At last, someone with some sense. The doc tells JB that the body was definitely hacked at and moved post-mortem. The sheriff reluctantly lets JB look through Ed’s personal effects and is equally flummoxed by the presence of two cigarette lighters one of which bears the Cameron family crest. (The Murder She Wrote writers want to make that point clear. I feel this may come up later)

Outside, JB is accosted by Dead Ed’s sister who asks her to come and see her father to try to put a stop to this episode the insanity. Dead Ed’s Dad seems disinclined to do anything but chop wood and mutter about the sheriff, but eventually comes clean – Dead Ed moved out without a dime but somehow managed to rent a house, buy an expensive new car and generally carry on like he was a Kardashian. He suspects Dead Ed of being a drug dealer, but hasn’t proof.

Back in town the mob is getting restless with just drinking and making nooses. Sheriff Shredder tells Our Heroine that someone was spotted leaving Dead Ed’s place but they don’t know who. JB has it with people not telling her things and tries to force Cassie to admit that Matthew is Ames’s son. She blusters and storms off but Ames admits it. He also tells her that Billy Willetts (associate zombie to Dead Ed) held a knife to Frank Kelso the night of the brawl. Apparently this is news we can use.

After the sheriff orders JB off the case, on account of the angry mob of zombies massing outside the sheriff’s office. Thankfully, JB ignores him and pays a visit on Frank Kelso, who greets her with his gun.

Ermagherd this episode just keeps going

Frank wants to know why JB is snooping around. He tells her Billy held the knife on him to stop him from reaching for his ‘peacemaker’.

“Strictly speaking, a Peacemaker is a nickname for a Colt 45, used in frontier days. If I’m not mistaken, that’s a Webley Fosbury semi automatic revolver.” says Jess.

“Wellllll…..you sure do know your weaponry!” Says Frank. “You own one of them?”

“Oh no. No no no.” Jess replies. “Of course I just ran across it in research. For several days I considered using one to shoot a Bulgarian scientist.”

Frank has no time to think of an appropriate response. He gets a call from the Sheriffs office. There’s trouble.

When in doubt, zombies.

Faced with the imminent zombie menace the sheriff prepares to fight the hordes of undead to the end, but is saved when Dead Ed’s father appears and orders the angry zombie mob to disperse. To celebrate, Sheriff Shredder arrests Andy for being a zombie. And a douchebag.

After emptying his pockets they discover Andy has a keyring with the Cameron crest on it. Hey guys! Remember that time with the lighter! See how it all comes together!?

The Sheriff asks Andy if he’d lost his lighter and Andy’s all “hell yeah, where’d you find it?”

“Off your friend’s dead body.” Says the sheriff.

BAM.

Andy flips out. He gave the lighter to Dead Ed after they left Kelso’s the first time, since Dead Ed had left his behind. They went to play pool, got back into town at 12:45 then Dead Ed said he had to go to the bank.

And by bank…

I’ll be honest, I didn’t see this coming. Mainly because by this point I’d stopped looking.

Are you ready kids? So it turns out Frank Kelso was being blackmailed by Dead Ed because Dead Ed found out Frank killed his wife after she’d had an affair with Dead Ed. So, Frank killed Dead Ed. And then it was now.

I’m going to be honest here guys. I didn’t like this episode. Maybe it was the fact that Our Heroine only turned up ten minutes in, or maybe it was the extensive use of Killer Cam/fade outs/soap opera directing, but I just wasn’t a fan. As a result, this weeks blog may not accurately depict the events that take place in this episode. I’ve, erm, improved it a bit. My humble apologies…

Jess still hasn’t made it back to the Cove. I worry what Amos is doing in her absence…anyway, this week she’s been invited to stay on the island of her friend Carlos Diego Santana*, a famous painter who is turning 60 and inviting his son (drug addict), wife (trophy), his ex-wife (pianist), a random British policeman (random), an art gallery owner (lord), a charity worker (Princess Diana), and Willard the playwright (Robert Goulet).

Side note: Everything I know about Robert Goulet can be seen in this video. Also, here’s a picture:

It’s the neckerchief that really seals the deal for me…

Side side note: the English policeman is being played by Ron Moody, who played Fagin in the movie of Oliver! I’m pleased to report in this episode he pickpocketed a tray of snacks at least twice.

The party weekend does not get off to the best start – everyone is fighting with everyone, the trophy is almost having an affair with the island’s resident sculptor, and someone accidentally-on-purpose shoves a stone vase off a rooftop, narrowly missing Diego while he roams the outdoors serenading the moon with his guitar.

Also, the zombie apocalypse breaks out. **

Into this maelstrom of murderousness (and away from the zombie menace***) flies Our Heroine, intent on seeing out the zombpocalypse on Diego’s island stronghold. Alas for JB, the zombie menace has somehow followed her, and Willard is overcome by zombies while fishing in the surf. ****

Willard is flown off to the mainland to avoid contaminating the other guests/receive treatment, escorted by Diego’s son Miguel, who seems rather eager to be on the mainland. I suspect he’s secretly a zombie-killing maniac, bent on avenging the death of his mother to the zombie hordes. I could be wrong though. After Jess settles in, Diego fills her in on his suspicions that someone is trying to bump him off, and not just the threat of the undead. He enlists her to investigate.

It’s not long before she’s hot on the trail of the zombies/killer. Up on the rooftop she finds cigarette butts, a matchbook and Inspector Clousseau Henry Kyle, who pumps her for information, if you know what I mean. They engage in a battle of detective wits, after which it emerges that the only person who could have pushed the stone vase off the roof is Willard the playwright. A call to the hospital establishes that Willard is expressing all the symptoms of a heart attack/mauling by the hungry horde, and that Diego’s son Miguel is MIA. Presumably killing swarms of the undead.

Diego doesn’t believe any of it, especially the zombies. He asks JB and Inspector Rex Henry to keep a lid on their suspicions, which Jess agrees to reluctantly.

Callin’ it like she sees it, yo.

Diego has more pressing matters, like showing off his crossbow (not code for penis, as it turns out). Apparently his son Miguel is a dab hand at the ol’ crossbow, probably from his many years hunting the undead on the mainland. While Diego strokes his crossbow, JB and Inspector Lynley Henry have a pow-wow: it turns out Willard has been buying up Diego’s paintings for the last few months, despite having absolutely no money. That’s a nifty trick.

Now, a brief moment as we bask in JB Fletcher’s audition for Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band:

Seriously, I want this jacket. Internet, make this happen for me.

Later that night, we see (via the benefit of Killer Cam), a mysterious gloved hand go and retrieve the crossbow from its place on the wall. Clearly someone knows the zombies are coming, and is preparing their defense.

The next morning, Jess is out on her morning constitutional when she sees a boat pulled up at the beach. THE ZOMBIES HAVE GAINED NAVIGATORY TECHNOLOGY. THE END IS NIGH!!

Also, Diego gets shot and killed by a crossbow wielding bandit. Tough break. And to make matters worse, someone (zombie) has smashed up the radio, preventing them from contacting the mainland. They are all alone, trapped on the island with at least one killer zombie on the loose. Sir John the gallery owner and the sculptor go off to find the missing crossbow, but JB has got more pressing concerns. Like the boat.

Jess and Henry go to check it out and find a mystery man trying to hightail it out of there. Henry and JB’s stunt double retrieve him from the water.

Life Lesson #29 – ALWAYS send others into the water instead of you.

But ye Gods! It’s not a mystery man, it’s Diego’s son Miguel! And he’s got a garbage bag full of Diego’s paintings! WHAT IS THIS? Diego explains that he needed to sell the paintings to raise money for his ongoing zombie genocide/give money to his junkie girlfriend******. Sir John doesn’t believe him.

Jess has other things on her mind. Like sand raking.

Deleted scene from The Walking Dead

Jess is convinced that Willard’s heart attack/zombie mauling was not as it seemed, and was drug induced, in an effort to throw suspicion off the fact he tried to toss a stone vase at Diego. The Inspector is not so sure, but before he can say so Sir John comes a-running. The resident island sculptor has, rather helpfully, legged it.

As the horde of the undead descends on the island******** Jess is woken by the curious incident of the dog in the nighttime. Also, the back shed is on fire.

Jess hightails it to the scene, closely followed by everyone else. Henry discovers Diego’s wife Margo collapsed in the shed, and rescues her before the zombies can get their rotten hands on her. The same can not be said for Diego’s paintings, alas.

JB quizzes Margo on what happened.

Indeed.

They have narrowed the suspect field down considerably. Sir John is convinced that the local sculptor did it, but Margo tells them how the sculptor is actually a Hungarian dissident on the run from the Reds, and had nothing to do with it.

Seriously, I feel like I’m watching Passions or something now. In any case, JB’s got her eyes on the prize. Willard tried to kill Diego but failed, so he faked the zombie/heart attack and got out before his partner could dob him in. The same partner who did Diego in…

This image was not digitally altered in any way…*coughs*

And so ends the (practically) true story of how JB Fletcher solved the case and averted total zombie-geddon.

See you next week, dead dear reader.

*Diego Santana is being played by Ceasar Romero, who was The Joker in the original Batman movie. I mention this because a) the original Batman movie is freaking amazing and you should watch it, and b) I know someone reading this will appreciate this fact. In fact, here’s a photo.