Thursday, February 17, 2005

JFK the Sequel - Part Four: Act One, Scene Two

Fade in on a long, imposing staircase covered in snow; as we pan upward the facade of the Massachusetts Supreme Court is revealed. The camera lingers on the motto newly sketched in granite: "Justice? I'd settle for a good haircut..."

In a long tracking shot that will stun the critics, we follow the camera through the entrance and race down the corriders, up three flights of stairs, then back down the flights of stairs, where we pick up the wallet that we dropped earlier, now back up one flight of stairs, and into the courtroom where the scene's main action takes place.

Oddly, Gavin Newsom is the lone justice; even more oddly, Johnnie Cochran is addressing a jury:

"So we see that there has been a grave injustice committed unto this grand ol' lady of liberty, an injustice even greater than that visited upon my former client Orenthal James Simpson, an injustice even greater than Pauly Shore's last movie..."Cochran turns to his notes.

Newsom, helpfully: "Mr. Cochran, would you say there was a rush to judgment?"

Cochran slams his fist down on the table and winces. "I would indeed! Indeed, there has been a rush to judgment...ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in this most hallowed land of ours, one shining beacon, one embiggening thought has kept our hopes alive in the darkest of hours: the knowledge that if the system's broke, we must revoke."

Cochran wheels around rapidly, realizes he has done a complete circle and is facing the wrong way again, then turns back 180 degrees: "If the system...is....broke...., WE MUST REVOKE! I say to you today, if the founding fathers had intended Jesus freaks and wing-nuts to vote, they'd have expressly given them the franchise...no, my friends, and no again - there need be no religious nut-jobs in this land of ours, there need be no so-called 'faith-based initiatives'...oh, we have faith, Mr. Bush, you so-called President, we have faith alright - FAITH THAT YOUR TICKET HAS BEEN PUNCHED! IF THE SYSTEM'S BROKE, YOU MUST REVOKE!"

Newsom jumps up quickly and high-fives Cochran. "I think we've heard enough - no need for this one to go to the jury. I hereby rule John Forbes Kerry the 44th President of the United States of America - and furthermore, I sentence George W. Bush and Dick Cheney to four years hard labor in a hair salon in the Soho district!"

Chaotic scenes flash in front of us: first, the pandemonium in the courtroom as the reporters rush to their Blackberries; next, the chaos in France as every living citizen rushes into the streets and lies prostrate, tears of joy streaming down the cheeks of one and all; then a quick shot of the the Daily Kos accepting a large sum of money from Howard Dean; then back to Paris, where Michael Moore has spontaneously been named President of France; then a short clip of Theresa Heinz Kerry spitting on an effigy of Laura Bush and lighting it on fire; finally, back to France again, where a group of Frenchmen tries valiently but unsuccessfully to heave President Moore onto their shoulders, then settles for throwing cheeseburgers at him.

As the montage ends, we see a figure in the shadows...he rises, slowly, impossibly tall, incredibly handsome, oozing vitality from every pore, his noble visage a sight almost too powerful for human eyes - the mysterious figure turns slowly, looks at the camera as the darkness lifts, and snaps a perky salute to his bathroom mirror: