Being conscious not to teach children to constantly seek approval

Most of us parents thrive on our children seeking of approval. Now, on the surface that seems nothing wrong with this. It seems the way to be children should seek their parents approval. But there's a hidden danger here, and the danger is this when we prime our children and raise them with the awareness, with the training, with the understanding that they need to constantly look outside of themselves be at the parent, be at the teacher for sense of validation, worth, value, meaning, purpose. This is where the child's radar, inner radar gets distorted and they lose the ability to gauge and be there own inner determiner of where they need to go in life. They begin to depend on this on the external validation. Now as parents who are traditional in their approach and who like to feel superior and powerful and dominant and in control we love that kid who wants to please us. All of us wants that kid who pleases. But what we're doing in essence is raising a mini me or a robot, minion, a subject and we're doing the child the service so while it eases the parental tension and it creates a much easier life for the parent. We're really teaching our child to be divorced from their inner knowing and when they grow up they will fail in life, they will flounder not knowing how it is to suffer - the not understanding the self - to suffer that. You know we parents rush in and try to fix it for our children and provide the solution and give them beliefs you are good, you are bad but let the child suffer the discovery of that on their own. That child who does that and goes to that process on their own will grow up to be a child who's much more resolute in the long run.

Shefali Tsabary, PhD

Clinical Psychologist & Author

Shefali Tsabary, PhD is the author of the award-winning book, The Conscious Parent. This book has been heralded as a game-changer in the parenting field. Dr. Shefali is an international speaker on conscious parenting and mindful living. She has a private practice in New York.

Most of us parents thrive on our children seeking of approval. Now, on the surface that seems nothing wrong with this. It seems the way to be children should seek their parents approval. But there's a hidden danger here, and the danger is this when we prime our children and raise them with the awareness, with the training, with the understanding that they need to constantly look outside of themselves be at the parent, be at the teacher for sense of validation, worth, value, meaning, purpose. This is where the child's radar, inner radar gets distorted and they lose the ability to gauge and be there own inner determiner of where they need to go in life. They begin to depend on this on the external validation. Now as parents who are traditional in their approach and who like to feel superior and powerful and dominant and in control we love that kid who wants to please us. All of us wants that kid who pleases. But what we're doing in essence is raising a mini me or a robot, minion, a subject and we're doing the child the service so while it eases the parental tension and it creates a much easier life for the parent. We're really teaching our child to be divorced from their inner knowing and when they grow up they will fail in life, they will flounder not knowing how it is to suffer - the not understanding the self - to suffer that. You know we parents rush in and try to fix it for our children and provide the solution and give them beliefs you are good, you are bad but let the child suffer the discovery of that on their own. That child who does that and goes to that process on their own will grow up to be a child who's much more resolute in the long run.