… my grandfather taught me … “… the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing.”

—

Stephen Covey’s grandson

====

Well. This is about focus and decisions (because if you focus on the wrong decision you are in trouble).

Anyway. When I saw “… the main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing” this morning I was reminded how much most of us, young & old, in business suck at this. Yet, it sounds so frickin’ simple … how could we all suck so much at this?

A couple thoughts on that:

– We get distracted.

– The main thing we select is not really the main thing.

Let’s be clear. The ‘main thing’ is the relationship between “what I elect to, or should, focus on” and actual ‘focus’, i.e., the decision and the commitment to the decision. If you get either side of this relationship wrong you may as well accept ‘non success.’

Let me explain the two things.

Distraction.

While what I am now going to say sounds contrary to popular belief — I am not sure life and business is any more distracting now than it was years ago. The props may have changed but, in my view, distractions are distractions and all distractions of any size, quantity or quality are persistent sonuvabitches. In addition. It is this view, the traditionally historical strength of distractions to distract us, that drives my belief that anyone of any age sucks at the main thing remaining the main thing. Distractions test our commitment – at any age. And, frankly, I could argue that if you are so easily distracted than it CAN’T be your ‘main thing’ <but I won’t>.

For young people everything is typically incredibly overwhelming as it is, therefore, distractions can be a coping mechanism, i.e., relief from the overwhelming or a bad way of coping with overwhelming.

For older people, regardless of experience, it isn’t that things are overwhelming it’s just that you always know that no matter how much you do there is always more to do and that ‘more to do’ will always be there waiting. Therefore we older folk justify the distractions <in our heads> as ‘the main thing may have a deadline but it will not disappear simply because I may elect to ignore it for a minute or two.’

But. Here is the most persistent distraction in business – success in the present.

In a world which is constantly screaming “adapt, adapt, adapt’ it becomes incredibly easy to start following success. And I mean INCREDIBLY EASY. Success is a seductive bastard. And far too often success in the present can look an awful lot like long term success <their costumes look very similar>.

All I can really say is that it is incredibly easy for anyone, at any experience level in business, to get distracted from the ‘main thing.’

Not really the main thing.

Whew. Two aspects of this …

– a main thing based solely on ‘tangible’ <or … let’s say ‘there is a lack of emotional investment regardless of the desire to meet the objective’>

– the main thing is a reflection of a created priority.

First.

Lack of emotional investment.

In business we are infamous for creating tangible milestones and objectives and in doing so we expect people to be emotionally invested in achieving that ‘main thing’ we need to do.

Uhm. In my mind that is like manufacturing passion or happiness <cannot really be done>. Here I suggest a dose of reality to business people: don’t try and manufacture emotional energy and accept some things just as they are. I can have milestones, objectives and success criteria, but they don’t have to be ‘the main thing we need to do.’ These are simplyshit that needs to be done.

If something doesn’t have a purpose beyond some number objective it is extremely difficult to have genuine emotional investment. I would actually suggest without emotional investment it really cannot be a ‘main thing.’

Second.

Created priorities.

When you don’t know what you want to do or where you really want to go, inevitably, a priority is created to take the place of those things. That is a created priority.

I am not suggesting they aren’t useful and as transition ‘progress behavior motivators’ they can be excellent tools – but let’s not confuse them with ‘a main thing.’ Yet, we do confuse them again and again <and again>. Created main things, if you are not careful, are rabbit holes. You can follow a ‘created main thing’ as persistently & stubbornly as if it is a real main thing and end up in a really really bad place.

Managers in business are infamous for creating ‘main things’ <and rabbit holes>. What these managers don’t realize is that their employees see right thru the created aspect.

This creates issues because while the ‘workers’ become cynical over having to invest energy on some created priority cloaked by some manager in “main thing prioritizing”, when things do not go as planned far too many times managers step back saying things like “I don’t have the right people to implement the important objectives” or the ones with good intentions focus on the wrong things like ‘I need to learn how to motivate my people’ <only to implement some of the wackiest motivational shit you will ever see>. Not often enough do managers look in the mirror at the actual stimulus, or, this ‘main thing’ they’ve identified, and truly challenge whether it really is a ‘main thing’ rather than simply a business objective we need to attain for the good of the business.

Now. All that said. The ‘main thing’ this young man is referencing in the opening quote is his decision, as a Mormon; to go on mission for two years despite the fact he is having a fabulous year as a wide receiver for the Utah football team.

There is emotional investment.

It is not a created priority.

And while an incredibly powerful persistent distraction poked at him <success in the present>, he, well, remembered the main thing is the main thing.

In the end.

I admit.I came to admire Stephen Covey’s thinking late in Life. Maybe I just needed to mature intellectually to get the nuance of what he tried to tell us or maybe I just didn’t understand the ‘main things’ in business well enough. Regardless, in a different, but still good, way than Peter Drucker, Covey thinking makes for better business minds <and behavior>.

I know I certainly don’t have all the answers and that is why I read and think about words from Toffler, Drucker & Covey — more so than Godin and Gladwell. Business thinking, as well as any type of thinking, is hard work. Covey & the best business thinkers make you think … sometimes almost in such a complex nuanced way that it always seems like it is slightly out of your grasp <versus the more modern business thinkers who tend to offer formulas and soundbites>. I could argue that we need to stop seeking answers and continue to persistently ask questions.

Anyway.

The main thing is to keep the main thing the main thing. A twisted but simply important thing to keep in mind.

“You are a worm who thought himself a serpent just because you slither.

But your power was not real, Pliny.

It was all a dream. Time now to wake.”

—–

Pierce Brown

=============

So. I would guess that most of us have run across a slitherer in business <let alone Life>.

A business slitherer?

Yeah.

One of those people who seem to slither in and around and as close to the edge of what is legal, ethical or right but never seems to cross any particular line far enough that someone can say unequivocally they have done something criminally wrong.

A slitherer slithers through all the same things most of us in business and in life do, but does it in a way that seems corrupt <although it may not be>, seems illegal <although it may not be>, seems unethical <although it may not be> and seems inappropriate <although it may not be too everyone>.

That is the characteristic of one who slithers through Life.

—–

“seems.”

——-

“Seems” taints everything they do and, well, everything we do. A slitherer figures out a way to be held to a slightly different standard which ‘seems’ wrong, but no one can point to any real specific, provable, criminally wrong behavior.

Now. It always helps everyone to have someone defend you and, somehow, the one who slithers through business almost always has supporters. Those supporters mostly rally around the quasi-indefensible behavior because a slitherer is a proven survivor. And, yes, in a world in which surviving attrition may actually be a key to success … a persistent survivor can be viewed as an attractive ship to tie your line to <even if it is a ship of dubious lineage>.

But maybe the worst thing about someone who slithers their way to whatever success they gain is the team that ends up surrounding them.

Although I am no real prize for any boss, I would never work for a slitherer – my ethical and moral compass steers me too far away from any “seems wrong” behavior to make a position like that viable for me — or, I imagine, for a slitherer boss.

=============

“Round and round they went with their snakes, snakily…”

Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

============================

My point on that is slitherers seek slitherers. It is a weird type of loyalty. It isn’t really loyalty to the person it is more loyalty to the fact you can behave in a way that ‘seems’ inappropriate on occasion but ‘seems’ okay to your boss <if not even applauded>.

Sigh.

That said.

We do not fire people for being seemingly unethical behavior or seemingly clueless behavior or seemingly inappropriate behavior. Appearance of behavior just makes people feel uncomfortable but it is typically not a fireable offense … it is just offensive.

And, yet, a slitherer thrives in the seemingly offensive behavior. They thrive because as their heinous behavior shrinks them, in some ways, it also grows their ability to slither around the edges of true illegal, true criminal, true unethical to do what they want to do the way they want to do it.

To be clear. A good day for a slitherer is different than a good day for most of the rest of us.

Good to them is a “win”, or some version of successful outcome, done ‘their way’ of which no one can point to any specific wrong doing or completely unethical behavior <which, by the way, to them, is a type of success in and of itself>. Their ‘good win’ doesn’t have to actually contain any of what most of us would consider ‘good’ to be considered success.

To be clear. Most good organizations foster a culture which tends to expel slitherers. Good cultures which foster moral & ethical behavior tend to avoid slithering close to any lines and therefore tend to treat slitherers as a virus to the organization itself.

I do worry, on occasion, that the good slitherers <which is actually an oxymoron> survive in any organization and are constantly trying to infect the organization itself <and, given the right circumstances, actually can take over an organization>.

I wrote this today because it has been sitting in my draft folder for a long time as an organizational behavior business piece and now I can point out that our president is a slitherer.

He slithers through all the same things most of us in business and in life do but he does it in a way that seems corrupt <although it may not be>, seems illegal <although it may not be>, seems unethical <although it may not be> and seems inappropriate <although it may not be too everyone>.

Just watch. Trump will slither his way in and out of any seemingly illegal, corrupt, unethical event he places himself in. That is what a good slitherer does. And, yes, good slitherer is an oxymoron, but, in a way, President Trump is also.

“Blorft” is an adjective I just made up that means ‘Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.’

I have been blorft every day for the past seven years.”

―

Tina Fey

================

“The mind can go either direction under stress—toward positive or toward negative: on or off. Think of it as a spectrum whose extremes are unconsciousness at the negative end and hyperconsciousness at the positive end.

The way the mind will lean under stress is strongly influenced by training.”

―

Frank Herbert

===============

Life does not have any exit signs. Once you enter you are in. And this even includes shit days.

And I kind of think this is why so many of us encounter stress.

We use meditation, ‘time outs’, mindfulness exercises and a whole variety of tricks to relieve the natural stress of Life but, well, you cannot exit. Yet, we all keep searching for some fucking exit to get us out of whatever we are currently unhappily dealing with.

Origin of Stress

Middle English (denoting hardship or force exerted on a person for the purpose of compulsion): shortening of distress, or partly from Old French estresse ‘narrowness, oppression,’ based on Latin strictus ‘drawn tight’

In physics, stress describes the force that produces strain on a physical body (i.e.: bending a piece of metal until it snaps occurs because of the force, or stress, exerted on it).

And sometimes that is where I think stress enters. It enters when we seek exits.

In addition I think that stress is constantly looking in the windows constantly looking for a way in and all the while we are constantly looking out the window at them worrying. We worry because most of us don’t like being boxed in by Life. We just feel more comfortable knowing there is an exit.

But.

Once again.

Life does not have exit signs.

And, holy shit, that stresses us out.

I will note this is bad unnecessary stress versus good stress. Good stress? Yeah.

The stress response in humans is facilitated by the adrenal glands, which sit on top of our kidneys and spit adrenaline into our blood whenever we’re in need of fight or flight. That stress response is crucial in dire circumstances and is important to our survival instincts.

But while Life often feels like a survival test it really isn’t. It is more really like a grind. This means that, scientifically speaking, most of our life truly does not requires stress. In fact … by permitting stress to remain at some sort of low level hum simply keeps us on some needless edge.

Now, that said, having no Life exit signs REALLY matters when … well … something occurs where you start frantically looking for a fucking exit.

When is that?

Research has shown that although the type of events which result in the release of stress hormones are different for everyone there are common elements to situations that elevate stress hormones in everyone <amusingly, the acronym for the common elements is ‘NUTS.’:

Novelty

Unpredictability

Threat to the ego

Sense of Control

Regardless. I don’t think we talk often enough about the no exit thing. And because we don’t far too many people dwell on shit <mistakes and “what if scenarios”> because we didn’t accept the right frame of reference for dealing with whatever it is we need to deal with.

While research shows that some elite performers have an uncanny ability to clear their heads after making errors and constantly move on I would suggest it is less about leaving mistakes behind and more about the fact they are better at accepting that they are ‘stuck where they are and no exit is magically arriving’ and they basically accept ‘it is what it is.’

Managing stress is not as simple as doing yoga or relaxation techniques or any ‘go online and find the 5 secrets to reducing stress.’ Stress is a very personal thing and a very complex thing. It is not as simple as saying “I will no longer do this.” The brain has lots of different circuits built on top of one another which seemingly provide feedback and stimulus to our most primitive and primordial response systems.

And, yes, what I just wrote certainly suggests that the complex connections encourage everyone to accept that, yes, it is all in your head.

But.

We make the complex even more complex through many of the mental gyrations we go through to eliminate or limit stress. It seems like it would be much simpler to begin attacking stress at a more foundational level. Maybe like … well … getting people more comfortable with the fact that Life has no exits. Maybe accept that where you are is where you are. And, lastly, maybe that where you are is much better if you aren’t always looking around for some frickin’ exit which doesn’t exist.

“Authority without wisdom is like a heavy axe without an edge, fitter to bruise than polish.”

―

Anne Bradstreet

==============

……… tweet from Republican National Party on June 14, 2018 ………….

Join or Else. If there is one common theme Trump and his merry band of corrupt amoral yahoos have espoused, this is it. Yeah. They may cloak it in some vapid superficial niceties, but, in the end, it “Join or Else.

That said. (stepping back to my words of January 2017)

———————————-

Well.

Yesterday was an interestingly disturbing day to begin “the new era of The United States of America.”

I listened to the Trump inauguration speech with growing horror. It had all the trappings of authoritarianism wrapped snugly in a blanket of patriotism & promises of wealth, security, strength and ‘greatness.’

I listened to it not just as a citizen but as a business guy.

Yeah. Populism can be seen in business just as it can be seen in politics. In business it can be called ‘the cult mentality’ and more often than not its leader is a ‘less-than-benevolent’ dictator. Let’s call it a ‘join, or else’ culture. You can drive membership in this culture a couple of ways … both grounded in fear.

Fear of losing <part 1>.Outsiders are trying to steal what is ours … people who don’t believe in what we believe in are trying to steal what is ours … join us because we are the people who count and matter.

I do not want to lose what is rightfully mine.

Fear of losing <part 2>.I am on the outside looking in and … well … holy shit … if I don’t join I am gonna lose everything <or be branded as a non joiner>.

I will join because if I don’t I am up shit creek without a paddle and lose what I have.

Businesses try this shit all the time. It is their way of building a strong culture, claiming it is inclusive, albeit inclusive is grounded by ‘a tight set of club rules.’ They will argue it is not a tight set but rather a basic construct which binds people in a good way … you call it tomato and I call it rotten. This Trump version of populism is, well, it goes beyond corporate cult culture. This version is close to being batshit crazy dangerous thought leadership.

Let’s look at the brochure and talk a minute with the Trump Club recruiter.

The cover of the brochure suggests an unstoppable America, driven solely by self-interest, in other words, our Club wins at all costs at the expense of anyone who stands in our way! <“if you want to win, join us” it says …>.

It further reads with threatening all those who might stand in the way of this Club and it’s winning/great objective. It contains an adamant stance of ‘no real choice’, i.e., a demanded unity not an asked for unity.

Yeah.

Some of the club benefits look awful good in the brochure … more & better jobs, stronger economy, stronger security, less business regulations and country pride. And then I turn over the brochure just to check out the legalese, the cost of the benefits as it were, to explore how the promises of the Club will be delivered.

The headline on the back of the brochure really wanted me to join this club … the message of “join today because today is the day the people become the rulers of this country.” I vaguely remember that being the call of the French Revolution but it sounds cool <although I could swear we, the people, have been voting in people as representatives for awhile>.

But. Whew. It sounds good. I like it.

It feels empowering and inspirational with the added comfort that I will no longer be one of “the forgotten people which will be forgotten no longer.” I know for sure that would like to not be forgotten and being part of a club would be nice and … well … gosh … uhm … now that I think about it … I didn’t know I had been forgotten.

The recruiter leans forward and says “of course you were, the intellectual globalist elite in Washington and around the world have been keeping you down … they don’t care about you … they have forgotten that it was you that made them part of the wealthy elite.”

Ok. But didn’t your Club President build his wealth off the backs of ‘forgotten people’ and … well … it seems like they aren’t any better off but he is a shitload better off, doesn’t it?

Oh … no, no, no … he appreciates everything they have done for him. Hey. And don’t you want to be wealthy too?

I look down at the brochure and I see the bolded ‘make wealthy’ words and have to ask the club recruiter, decked out in an ‘America first’ hat and neatly pressed ‘make America great’ uniform like shirt, I ask the recruiter … “this becoming wealthy thing … its sounds an awful lot like Amway.”

Oh, no, it is nothing like that at all. Our Club will make everything great for everyone and you will have great opportunities to get the wealth you have always deserved, but haven’t got, because the lazy, less than hard working elite will not get it anymore … we will make sure you get your fair share. Hey. Look at this picture of the Club President in his office … check out the gold curtains … the gold rug and the gold fixtures … that is wealth. That is what you can be part of!

Oh.

And, look, if you join today you get a hat <which you should wear as often as possible so that we can tell who is in the club and who isn’t>.

And, even better, we should have some additional pieces of apparel you can wear soon. In fact … we will have special uniforms & badges for the original club members to showcase their elite status in the club … everyone will want to wear them.

Ok. One last question … your club is “God’s chosen.” I didn’t know God chose … I thought he was all about equal among all men. Does this mean that other clubs don’t believe in God or does God just favor us? And does this mean I have to believe in your version of God and … well … what exactly is your version of God?

“Oh.

Well.

We are a Christian based club … but of course we accept anyone. But don’t forget … Christianity, above all, outlines all the values which lead to a better version of yourself … and, well, that is what we want all Club members to be able to achieve. Everyone should have values, don’t you think?”

Whew. This is fucking crazy shit going on

To be clear. A shitload of the club leaders and followers are going to try and draw some false comparisons and equivalents to past American heroes.

To be clear. This is significantly different than Thomas Jefferson’s plea for unity in his inaugural address in 1800 — “every difference of opinion is not a difference of principle.”

The Trump club has one principle and one opinion.

There is no room for anything else. More important than color of skin, religion, gender … this may actually be my root concern with ‘the club’.

The main principle?

Believe what I believe … or you are not a true believer.

That kind of seems to be the club. Kind of an “us versus them” attitude … uhm … although us <being a US citizen> is actually also them <being US citizens>.

“Oh no … no … why wouldn’t you believe in the United States of America if you lived in there? … everyone believes that. And if they don’t? … well … they should.”

Anyway. Oh. One last question. I didn’t hear it anywhere from the Club President or see it in the brochure … do you guys have a constitution?

Oh, we don’t need one. We just demand a ‘total allegiance to the Club’ … oh … which believes the same things as the country wants … so you should be all for it.”

(ME) Gosh. I am not sure I can join this club … I already have a constitution I live by … and my allegiance is, first & foremost, to that and not some Club and how they think. <period … end of statement>

Look. The one thing Trump was 100% right on is that January 20, 2017 was the dawn of a new era.

“Now comes the hour of action.”

That was the call for the Trump Club. “Join or else”is what should be heard.

Just to be clear.

I am a believer in God <however you want to define it>.

I am a patriot <however you want to define it>.

I am a proud American <however you want to define it>.

But I am not joining the club called “Trump America.”

In fact … I say ‘fuck you and your fucking club.’

As for what I will do? …………….

===============

“I was not born to be forced. I will breathe after my own fashion. Let us see who is the strongest.”

“Every single one of us is good at something. Some of us just give up on what that is before we even discover it. “

=

William Chapman

—- “I told her once i wasn’t good at anything.

She told me survival is a talent. You never need to apologize for how you chose to survive.”

=

Clementine von Radics

—

“To paraphrase someone smarter than me, who still knows nothing, the philosophical task of our age is for each of us to decide what it means to be a successful human being.

I don’t know the answer to that, but I would like to find out.”

=

Ottmer <the futurist>

—

Well. Let me begin by saying, well, being better is better.

Or better said: better is good.

In addition. Being good at something is good.

Those are two basic Life thoughts. Simple thoughts, but kind of important thoughts. Important because they are pervasive throughout civilization, culture, attitudes and certainly drives behavior.

Now. The most basic aspect of this whole thing of people wanting to be really good at something and, I imagine why people want to be passionate about something, is that they have experience with lack of passion. I say that last thought because <here is a Life truth> the reason why we’re not passionate about stuff we’re not really good at is because we aren’t <cannot be> passionate about stuff we suck at.

Here is where it gets a little screwy. Being good at something is a minefield mentally.

Huh? What do you mean <you ask me>??

How many times have you heard some version of the following phrases?

• “Everyone has a special skill!“

• “You just need to practice!“

• “You haven’t tried everything yet!“

• “You better work out what special skill you have and then use it for the rest of your life because if you don’t you’ll live in a dumpster fighting with cats for food!“

That trite advice is fine for people who are good at things, but what if you just suck at everything?

<or at least have sucked at everything you have tried to date>

Well. Here is the good news. It is next to impossible to suck at everything. It is much more likely that “… some of us just give up on what that is before we even discover it.”

As a corollary, in reality, it’s impossible to be good at every single thing you try.

Oh. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you suck. It’s all about perspective and how you define whether you’re good at something. For instance, are you basing how bad you are at something on your own standards or are you comparing yourself to others? If it’s the latter then you need to stop and remind yourself that we are all individuals. You’re not inferior or inept, you’re just different <kind of like snowflakes … okay … maybe not>.

Suffice it to say that insecurities and doubts limit your potential <regardless of whether you suck or are actually good> so if you intend to succeed at something you must first get rid of them.

Ah. But here is the curve ball Life throws at you <or is it a screwball??> — while you are figuring out what you are good at a whole shit load of incompetent assholes around you are trying to convince everyone what they are good at <of which they are actually not good at what they think they are>.

Incompetent people don’t know they are incompetent <in other words … they don’t think they suck>.

——

When asked, most individuals will describe themselves as better-than-average in areas such as leadership, social skills, written expression, or just about anything where the individual has an interest.

This tendency of the average person to believe he or she is better-than-average is known as the “above-average effect,” and it flies in the face of logic … by definition, descriptive statistics says that it is impossible absurdly improbable for a majority of people to be above average.

It follows, therefore, that a large number of the self-described “above average” individuals are in fact below average in those areas, and they are simply unaware of their incompetence.

——-

It seems that the reason for this phenomenon is obvious:

– The more incompetent someone is in a particular area, the less qualified that person is to assess anyone’s skill in that space, including their own.

– When one fails to recognize that he or she has performed poorly, the individual is left assuming that they have performed well.

Anyway. What this means is that the incompetent tend to grossly overestimate their skills and abilities.

—

“He felt he was himself and did not want to be otherwise. He only wanted to be better than he had been before. “

Leo Tolstoy

—

The Department of Psychology at Cornell University made an effort to determine just how profoundly one mistakenly overestimates one’s own skills in relation to one’s actual abilities.

They made the following predictions before the studies:

– Incompetent individuals, compared with their more competent peers, will dramatically overestimate their ability and performance relative to objective criteria.

– Incompetent individuals will suffer from deficient metacognitive skills, in that they will be less able than their more competent peers to recognize competence when they see it–be it their own or anyone else’s.

– Incompetent individuals will be less able than their more competent peers to gain insight into their true level of performance by means of social comparison information. In particular, because of their difficulty recognizing competence in others, incompetent individuals will be unable to use information about the choices and performances of others to form more accurate impressions of their own ability.

Rather than showcase the study and the results let me just say … they were correct in their assumptions.

Look. While I have spent a lot of time talking about incompetence and the incompetent, there is nothing more beautiful than watching competence in action. Especially if they are just good, not great, and have the awareness to build on their good in pursuit of … well … not great … but something better.

—-

“No one is good at everything, but everyone is good at something.”

any after school 1990’s special

—-

“Sucking is the first step to being sorta good at something”

Thorin Klosowski

—

And maybe that is why competence <or being good> is so beautiful to watch … it is the pursuit.

The pursuit? Being good at something mostly means you weren’t as good, or even sucked, at some point. This means the true competent people keep pushing.

Being good at something means no dumb questions, no dumb answers and no low <or stagnant> standards. And that is where I believe the whole concept of ‘being good at something’ should be grounded.

It’s not passion.

And, frankly, it may not even be something that comes easily to you.

It is more about holding yourself to some higher standard.

It is about the desire to keep pushing.

It is about being responsible for not quitting.

—-

“Hold yourself responsible for a higher standard than anybody else expects of you, never excuse yourself.”

Henry Ward Beecher

—–

In the end. Set aside ‘higher standards’ or ‘accepting you are good at something’ … in the end I respect … well … caring.

Giving a shit.

Or maybe call it … ‘nerdy as fuck about something.’

—-

“I respect people who get nerdy as fuck about something they love.”

Leah Raeder

——-

Caring enough about what you do is a good thing … and it makes you good at something.

It’s not passion.

It’s maybe not any real ability.

It’s just about the fact that you care.

By the way. Getting back to the first quote I used.

This also suggests, on those tough days and tough stretches in Life, simple survival is a talent because it means you care about Life.

Uhm. And that is a good thing to be good at.

Care about Life and never, never, apologize for how you choose to survive.

“I’ve noticed something about people who make a difference in the world: They hold the unshakable conviction that individuals are extremely important, that every life matters.

They get excited over one smile.

They are willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, and treat one wound.

They aren’t determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they’re satisfied with small changes. Over time, though, the small changes add up. Sometimes they even transform cities and nations, and yes, the world.”

=

Beth Clar

——

This is about responding.

First. What does RSVP mean? In the context of social invitations RSVP is a request for a response from the invited person or people. It is derived from the French phrase répondez s’il vous plaît, meaning ‘please respond’ <”respond if you please”>.

Sticking with the formal aspect of an RSVP … there are some guidelines.

———

If RSVP is written on an invitation it means the invited guest must tell the host whether or not they plan to attend the party. It does not mean to respond only if you’re coming, and it does not mean respond only if you’re not coming (the expression “regrets only” is reserved for that instance). It means the host needs to know who is going to attend, get a definite head count, the planned event … and needs it by the date specified on the invitation.

———–

Second. RSVP also has to do with Life, not just parties.

Think about it. Life, in many ways, says ‘please respond.’ My fear, and belief, is that many of us simply haven’t read the rules of etiquette and do not respond.

Look. I often write about how Life is difficult and how Life is tricky and how Life has a warped sense of humor.

But. Life can also be quite respectful and act with true etiquette and grace. I don’t mean big pomp and circumstance moments, but little moments in which doing the little things well matters. Uhm. Like an rsvp for example.

—–

“When you do something noble and beautiful and nobody notices, do not be sad. For the sun every morning is a beautiful spectacle and yet most of the audience still sleeps.”

John Lennon

—–

I sometimes worry people no longer understand what RSVP means. In social event scenarios as well as Life.

Assuming the best, and that the reason guests don’t RSVP to an invitation is a case of ignorance, not rudeness, let me suggest this.

People have a tendency to not respond because … well … it is safer.

Less chance of conflict. And it may seem like the easiest path but think about it from this quote’s perspective.

—–

“Every time we choose safety, we reinforce fear.”

Cheri Huber

—

Sure. I could simply believe most people don’t get involved with Life because they are too busy.

Or they are ignorant of the fact their absence is not noted or meaningful.

But I can’t. I can’t because I don’t believe it is true.

I think we do it, subconsciously or consciously, because it is safer — we get to avoid possible conflict.

Oh. The risk in doing this over & over & over? We become disengaged with Life.

But. Here is the good news. Life will keep sending you invitations. Over & over & over again.

You just gotta RSVP every once in a while.

To be clear. You are not always being invited to a ‘big party.’ Sometimes the RSVP is just for something small.

Saying that permits me to circle back to where I began … willing to feed one stomach, educate one mind, and treat one wound. They aren’t determined to revolutionize the world all at once; they’re satisfied with small changes.

Over time, though, the small changes add up.

That’s why you RSVP to life.

Small changes add up.

Small moments add up.

Small gestures add up.

It is true that Life, in general, is indifferent to you and what you want. However. What Life does do is create event after event which you DO get invited to. That means its up to you to respond. And, yeah, I do believe RSVPing matters even in this scenario. Just showing up is good but not as good as telling Life you are gonna show up. Why? Because it increases the odds Life may actually NOT be indifferent when you show up.

Maybe for you there’s one thousand tomorrows, or three thousand, or ten, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around it, let it slide like coins through you fingers.

So much time you can waste it.

But for some of us there’s only today.

And the truth is, you never really know. “

=

Lauren Oliver

——–

“People are all over the world telling their one dramatic story and how their life has turned into getting over this one event. Now their lives are more about the past than their future. “

=

Chuck Palahniuk

——-

We all have moments, you know, cross road moments. Ok. There are actually a shitload of crossroad moments, in fact, so many your head would explode if you truly counted them. But, in this case, I mean ‘that moment’ kind of moment.

That moment we believe our world and Life shifted direction.

One moment in which something died within us … or something came to Life within us.

The proverbial and metaphorical fork in the road.

I will not argue that these moments not only play a large role in life nor will I argue that these moments can be infinitely important. But. What I will suggest is that, maybe, we make these moments important to us in the wrong way.

Maybe we need not reflect upon them because they are … well … in the past.

We have already left ‘there’ and are now ‘here’ and are … well … on our way to ‘somewhere.’

I don’t know. I saw this quote and it made me think.

It made me think about how often when asked about ‘how did you get here’we so quickly shift into the past and, well, not talk about what is happening now. Nor do we answer this question by discussing where we are going, i.e., the future.

It made me think about how we value our past decisions so highly and maybe not value decisions to come at the same value.

It made me think that we assess value in size <one big moment> rather than in quantity <the little moments that got us ‘here’>.

It made me think about how many choices we have, have many of those choices are truly meaningful, and how many ore are actually meaningless, how poorly we assess meaningful & meaningless, and how often a ‘fork choice’ doesn’t really look like a fork when standing there.

Sure. Some of us probably have ‘that moment’ stored somewhere in our past. But I imagine more of us actually have a whole bunch of seemingly meaningless little moments, almost unrecognizable, that have got us to where we are attitudinally, intellectually and physically.

It made me think maybe by reliving ‘that moment’ we are setting us up for unrealistic future moment management.

It made me think maybe we are continuously seeking big earth shattering moments in the future by doing so.

It made me think that maybe, in reality, the future is made up of infinitesimal little moments in which we are made, broken, reshaped & remade.

Aw. Shit. This is all philosophical rambling on my part.

All I know for sure is that I will hesitate from here on out to dramatize some past event as ‘meaningful in my Life’ beyond the fact it was but a moment. I will hesitate to think that “everything would have been different” if i had done something in that moment.

I will not argue that there are some moments we would all like to have back and do something differently. I imagine my real point is that there were most likely a succession of moments that led up to it (that were just as important) and there are moments after that moment in which things may have unfolded just as poorly, or maybe not as well, if we had done something differently.

But I do know that I will just take … well …. a moment or two clarifying in my mind that some moment I am thinking about was not necessarily ‘that moment’, but simply ‘a moment.’

I imagine my hope in doing this is that maybe thinking this way I will make every moment a little more important in the future.

“Do people with this mindset believe that anyone can be anything, that anyone with proper motivation or education can become Einstein or Beethoven? No, but they believe that a person’s true potential is unknown (and unknowable)”

This made me write today about personal limitations. We all have them. We all hate ‘em. We all ignore them.

I tend to believe most of suck at managing our lives against our limitations.

Heck. I tend to believe we suck at even defining them.

Now. To give everyone a break; it is hard.

I believe it is really really hard <mainly> because mentally it is extremely difficult to always have a finely tuned instrument of realism, pessimism and optimism. A mental instrument perfectly pitched for your life where you doubt just enough to be humble and realistic, optimistic enough to aim high and stretch your limitations and realistic enough to know when enough is enough <you have gone as far as you can go and do what you can do>.

Once again, simply recognizing your limitations is a challenge (really difficult) but it is compounded by respecting those limitations and ultimately finally submitting to them <realistically>.

So. While having personal limitations is human, aligning yourself mentally, emotionally and realistically takes an almost inhuman amount of effort. We struggle to admit not being perfect, okay, maybe not perfect, but that some things are just not possible or that we may not actually be good at something or to admit that there is a gap between our best and what the best is.

A truth? It can be extremely healthy, freeing, to recognize and accept limitations because once you have done that you can figure out how to move forward from there.

Ah. Moving forward. That is another tricky part in this limitations acknowledgement equation.

Once you recognize limitations, does doubt creep in?

Do you stop trying?

Do you accept your best as not being good enough or just good enough?

Or.

Is this as good as <I> it gets?

Limitations weave a wicked web in the head. It is constant tug of war in our heads with tendencies of overbearing pride and a lack of self-confidence. Both are very dangerous.

Pride makes you overestimate your abilities. you think you’re capable of a lot more than you can really handle.

Lack of confidence makes you underestimate your potential. you don’t think you can accomplish things you can actually do <if you did them>. you never truly find out what you are capable of.

Anyway. Letting one of these tendencies dominate you makes it impossible to form an accurate self-image and an accurate assessment of what your real opportunities <and possibilities> are, let alone even know what your real possibilities are. While you seek to keep a mindset of realism, optimism and pessimism in tune, you also have to seek to accept the gap between your abilities and the best. Because, remember, the best is the pinnacle and at best there are few <if not one> who can truly be the best of the best. This is not meant to suggest you shouldn’t be striving to close the gap, but by recognizing limitations you see the gap closing and at the same time kind of recognize it will never be completely closed — and are okay with that. Despite that you study, learn, practice and keep trying to develop – stretching and challenging your limitations.

We certainly cannot all be Michelangelo, but that doesn’t mean we can’t aim as high as we can. Uhm. With realism.

Now. About that idea of ‘realism.’ Now. I am not a big fan of Malcolm Gladwell’s books and I got even grumpier when I read this in Outliers: the Story of Success about how we can all become ‘experts’ regardless of our limitations or skill set:

“In fact, researchers have settled on what they believe is the magic number for true expertise: ten thousand hours“

“… to become an expert in a field of study, it merely takes 10,000 hour of focus and practice on the topic at hand“.

“Outside of the top 1% and the bottom 1%, anyone can become a professional musician if they practice enough”.

==

Ok.

This is bullshit.

This is nuts.

Absolutely crazy.

I love to work and I am all for working hard and developing your best to be the best it can be but, c’mon, a formula for being an expert? And, worse, suggesting that if you simply work hard and invest time you will be an expert?

That is frickin’ nuts.

Look. I worked 10,000 hours in a 4 year span <yeah … that’s what averaging 50 hours a week 50 weeks a year will get ya> in my late 20’s and I loved almost every minute and I absolutely became better than I was and maybe better than some others. But an expert? Not even close.

Maybe I am the village idiot and I need 20,000 hours to become an ‘expert’ but suffice it to say while at the end of that stretch I was being paid way too much money and I had a high falutin’ title before I was even 30 … and I was not even close to being an expert.

<update: The author of the original 10,00o research – a guy named Ericsson – has already gone on record that Gladwell sorely missed the point of his research and oversimplified. In addition, a study found in ‘The Sports Gene’ actually suggests that 10,000 hours will not matter if you are not genetically blessed to begin with>

Anyway. This insane 10,000 thought Malcolm so flippantly throws out there also disregards a couple of things:

– Passion and true talent are not always matched.

Experts have some passion. A love of what they do combined with a real talent for that particular talent or skill.

My definition of an expert may not match Malcolm’s. Simply putting in the hours may make me better than I was <it will> and maybe make me better than most <it will>, but that will not necessarily make me an expert. Experts have talent intermingled with some emotional investment to make them better than the better. Emotional investment without talent is like falling in love with someone who doesn’t really love you. You may get married <mistakenly> but something will always be missing.

Final truth?

Not all of us can be experts. Sorry. That is what understanding limitations is all about. It is a difficult lesson … it is a lesson that no one seems to want to say out loud … but it is a Life truth.

– Expertise learned is not the same as being a learned expert.

10,000 hours may teach someone the mechanics very very well. How to think, what to think and how to ‘do’ efficiently and effectively. They have become learned of the expertise. The problem? They can’t think it, feel it or abstractly maneuver within it. This is how you recognize these people: they act robotically. Each stimulus has an exact calculated response. A learned expert adapts.

Final truth?

Limitations can keep you from being an expert. Some limitations can be stretched … bent … sometimes even broken to be recreated at a different spot, but a limitation is a limitation.

Anyway.

Even if you are in the top 1%, practice harder than anyone alive, and have the right attitude it can still go wrong:

“I continuously go further and further learning about my own limitations, my body limitation, psychological limitations. It’s a way of life for me.”

Ayrton Senna

Senna was one of the greatest Formula One drivers of all time. It seemed like every year, even while being the best, he got better.

He died in a Formula One race car crash.

It’s dangerous to be propelled by pride, but also by unrealistic expectations of your own limitations. In other words, stretching the limits and your limitations too far can be dangerous.

Expecting too much of yourself and those forces can drive you to a tragic end. If you are not careful ,you can construct and fairly elaborate construct of personal expectations far beyond your limitations. Simply put – you don’t build in the fact you are human.

Everybody has a wall they can hit. That is called ‘a limitation.’

Which leads me to knowing “when to hold ’em and when to fold ’em.” This is part of understanding your limitations.

It suggests a couple of key things with regard to limitations: getting in the game in combination with knowing when to get out of the game.

Look. I may have too high expectations of people. I don’t think I do. I just sometimes think many people have very low expectations of themselves.

So there are some things you can’t do right now. Who cares? Get in the game.

What you’re doing is more than you have done in the past. As your confidence grows more and more possibilities open to you and things you can do that you never imagined before. In other words, your limitations have been redefined.

Cope with your limitations.

In recognizing your inherent limitations you begin to do everything you can and yet know you can’t do everything. You do everything you can with an understanding that “everything you can” cannot be everything.

And when you get close to ‘the wall’? Get out of the game. Fold ‘em.

I recognize it’s not easy.

Sometimes … just when you think you know yourself … you disappoint yourself.

And sometimes … just when you think you know yourself … you surprise yourself.

And while I slammed Gladwell a little earlier I will use a smart <obvious but oft overlooked> insightful quote to close this out:

—-

“We prematurely write off people as failures. We are too much in awe of those who succeed and far too dismissive of those who fail.”

Malcolm Gladwell

—–

Limitations can be drawn by yourself <and they should be> as well as by others <which most often they shouldn’t be>.

You know what you are capable of.

You know what you are not capable of.

You don’t really need someone else writing you off on something … until you have decided you should be.

In addition, we are too often in awe of those who succeed and certainly invest far far too much energy trying to emulate them.

I do believe the whole limitations thing is one of Life’s most difficult ongoing challenges.

The best I often think we can do is to continuously tinker with our mindset continuously tuning realism, optimism and pessimism — all important to keep things in balance and a finely tuned Life.

Constantly nudging up against the “why nots” and “what ifs” because possibilities keep us going. We all want something better or just simply to be better.

We are not all Michelangelo.

But we can all aim as high as we can … recognizing that our best … may not be Michelangelo best … but it is the best we can be.

“But, my dear, how long will you wait for something that will never come?”

—

(via saudi-barbie)

=====

So. Opportunities. ok. Opportunities and blinking.

Yeah. What happens if you blink at the wrong time in Life?

Well. Life, in general, doesn’t permit blinking. Okay. It is relentlessly unforgiving if you blink at the wrong time.

Simplistically, Life happens … even if you are not paying attention. Shit. Life happens even if you ARE paying attention and you blink.

Sigh.

Sadly … far too often we blink at just the wrong moment.

Sometimes it is because we … well … just have other shit to do.

Sometimes it is because we … well … we are just a dumbass

Sometimes it is because … well … that is just reality <sometimes>.

And, sometimes, well, it doesn’t really matter.

Doesn’t matter? Opportunities are like pebbles. If you throw a pebble into a pond, you have no way of predicting exact way the ripples will ripple <unless you are some mathematics professor at Harvard where you could probably extrapolate it … uhm … but the window of opportunity would most likely close anyway before you figured it out>. Ripples depend on how you drop, or throw, or skip the pebble. Shit. Ripples depend on if some other asshole drops a pebble, stone or clod of mud in the frickin’ pond.

=====

“How can I begin anything new with all of yesterday in me?”

Leonard Cohen

======

That said.

Not all blinks are created equal. Some blinks are … well … blinks. You just cannot keep your eyes open all the time.

And then there are hesitation blinks. The ones created by the ‘all of yesterday in me.’ Sometimes we blink because the present is a pretty cluttered moment for everyone. Maximizing your present, the “now”, is hard. Fucking hard. Anyone who suggests it is easy or ‘you should try and do it more’ is fucking crazy.

All that clutter can make us blink. And sometimes, yes, it makes us blink at exactly the wrong time.

Wrong time? Not only is ‘the present’ small, but windows of opportunity within ‘the present’ can open and close pretty fucking fast. And all of that just gets even smaller when squeezed by past and future.

Then you start trying to cram in all the tangible shit you need to do <as well as the things you don’t really need to do but have convinced yourself it is ‘need’>.

While it makes my head hurt just typing this there is a reason I bring it up.

While I have written ad nausea about managing time in general and how we focus on the wrong shit <spending more time making lists than actually doing shit> I would suggest that if you want to manage your time more effectively you need to get your head out of the ‘past & future’ head game the best you can.

If you do that effectively than you have effectively maximized your present time the best you can.

In blinking terms this means you have narrowed your blinks to natural blinking versus hesitation blinking. This type of decision on your part really can make a difference. Moments, ‘things’, feelings, opportunities, the possibilities die fast – like in the blink of an eye. In a blink of an eye what was possible simply disappears and is no longer possible.

===

“In the blink of an eye, what was possible is possible no longer.”

Nelika McDonald

===

You blink and what was possible is no longer even in view.

You blink and all the plans you had mapped out get crumpled up.

Blinking insures you either grasp the concept of adaptability or you will inevitably grasp only disappointment an discouragement.

Yeah. It’s nice to have plans, and even recommended in most situations, but when a plan doesn’t happen, you have to be able to think on your feet, and change courses if necessary. Life doesn’t always cooperate with what you wanted to do, so you have to be prepared. We all know that if you aren’t paying attention to your own life, you are gonna miss some important things. Life does what it does whether you want it to or not.

Regardless. It can seem fairly overwhelming if you dwell on a belief that every minute that passes is a minute that you will never get back or every opportunity you miss is an opportunity you will never get back.

==========

“We don’t always get the luxury of having closure.

Sometimes things just end. There’s not always a rhyme or reason for why they do, they just do.”

Ashleigh Catibog-Abraham

==========

But that means you have to find some peace in blinking.

You need to find some peace in the fact that some opportunities are just missed.

You need to find peace in those the moments where you had got it right for yourself and not for anyone else <even if you did blink>.

Life is complex as it is.

Far too often we speak of opportunities in some simplistic fashion … and mostly from an individualistic point of view. Therein lies the foundation of opportunities & complexity.

We live in a world of collaboration and anything but individual decision making.

Simplicity is being demanded by the whole and implemented by the parts. And aligning attitudes and desires is difficult. And so is insuring aligning in strengths in today’s idealistic view of collaboration.

Maybe that is where simplicity faces its most difficult contradiction – facing the conflict in aligning making bigness small <in vision for the whole> and capturing the importance, and bigness, of the small.

===============

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.”

Steve Maraboli

=====

Huh? Well.

Simplistically <which is dangerous on this topic> opportunities truly are like windows. They open and close. When defined that simply it is nice and tight and makes something big smaller and more easily grasped. But these less-than-simple windows are actually representative of something that looks more like a bow tie or an hourglass on its side.

Lots of complex things and thoughts funneling into this nice tight little window and should you step through the window of opportunity … well … the vista of what could be, can be and will be widens to some pretty extraordinarily complex aspects.

In the end.

Maybe that is my bigger point about blinking and opportunities.

That window is always there.

That window opens and closes all the time.

That complex experience and stuff is always happening.

That complex vista beyond the window is always there and changing.

Oh.

Whether you blink or not.

Control what you can.

Accept what you cannot control.

Don’t blink because of hesitation.

And accept that, well, you have to blink sometime and you will miss something when you do.

“Anyway, I wanted to end this on a hopeful, positive note, but, seeing as how my sense of hope and positivity is still shrouded in a thick layer of feeling like hope and positivity are bullshit.

I’ll just say this: Nobody can guarantee that it’s going to be okay, but — and I don’t know if this will be comforting to anyone else — the possibility exists that there’s a piece of corn on a floor somewhere that will make you just as confused about why you are laughing as you have ever been about why you are depressed.

And even if everything still seems like hopeless bullshit, maybe it’s just pointless bullshit or weird bullshit or possibly not even bullshit.

I don’t know.

But when you’re concerned that the miserable, boring wasteland in front of you might stretch all the way into forever, not knowing feels strangely hope-like.”

—-

Allie Brosh

==================

“Like most misery, it started with apparent happiness.”

―

Markus Zusak

======================

“But my experiences slowly flattened and blended together until it became obvious that there’s a huge difference between not giving a fuck and not being able to give a fuck.

Cognitively, you might know that different things are happening to you, but they don’t feel very different.”

Allie Brosh

==================

I do not suffer from depression. Therefore it is extremely difficult for me to put myself in the shoes of someone who does.

However.

In reading some of the words written by people about depression <like the ones above> aspects of it sounds an awful lot like people who do not suffer from depression, but do suffer from a lack of enjoyment with Life in general.

Suffering from a lack of enjoyment in Life? Wow. Isn’t enjoyment as natural as breathing?

Well. Maybe … but sometimes we forget to breathe.

Regardless. When you stop enjoying things in Life <which, by the way, suggests you used to enjoy things or something and are now easing into some wasteland of maybe not misery but … well … nothingness>, or ‘anything’ I imagine, then you start seeking enjoyment anywhere you can. In fact to find some enjoyment in this wasteland we become pretty creative in some fairly absurd ways.

We sift thru the sand of the wasteland and embrace some shiny grains and try to make them bigger than they are in the attempt to suggest ‘wow … there is enjoyment.’ It is our brave attempt to breathe some Life into our enjoyment.Unfortunately, if we viewed that little thing without those absurd rose colored glasses, it could be truly look like … well … nothing.

Now.

Lack of enjoyment in Life is nothing like lack of enjoyment in an experience. An experience has the luxury of finiteness. The clear beginning and end permits us to assess and enjoy with some reflection. On the other hand, Life can very easily take on the characteristics of infinite. Life can become an endless array of to-do’s, tasks, work assignments, responsibilities and whatever else pops up in the everyday life of what happens.

This gets compounded by the additional random unforeseen stuff that inevitably gets layered on top of what you expected and planned for.

To be clear. I am not talking about depression. And I am not talking about something called ‘anhedonia’ which is one of the main symptoms of major depressive disorder <it is the loss of interest in previously rewarding or enjoyable activities … people suffering from clinical depression lose interest in hobbies, friends, work–even food and sex>. I am also not talking about actual boredom or a even some sense of frustration, irritation or despair <often associated with depression> with Life.

I tend to believe I am just talking about numbness. Or maybe it’s a version of not being able to notice the forest for the trees. But what I do know is that you just don’t know if Life is simply an amalgamation of hopeless bullshit, maybe it’s just pointless bullshit or weird bullshit or possibly not even bullshit.

All you really know is that you aren’t really enjoying the wasteland of ongoing ‘same ole same ole.’ It isn’t really like you have no hope that it will get better or that you have no hope at all — it just seems empty of hope at the moment and is just not a hopeful existence.

Well. If you reread that last sentence, like I just did, it is difficult to find where enjoyment enters into that person’s life. And, yet, we all pretty much know that happiness, and enjoyment, exists in 99% of people’s lives. My proof? As I noted earlier … even if you aren’t enjoying Life you scrounge around in some minuscule moments & experiences and raise them up high as enjoyment.

But enjoyment really shouldn’t be that hard.

Life, while hard, gives us a shitload of opportunities for enjoyment.

Unfortunately, the brain is complicated when it comes to enjoyment.

Shit.

The brain is complicated in general. But when it comes to pleasure & enjoyment the brain incorporates two paths – the nucleus accumbens <deep inside the “primitive brain”> and the prefrontal cortex <the thin outer layer of the brain behind the forehead>. Studies suggest it is likely that nerve impulses, let’s call them the ‘feel good signals,’ travel in both directions to stimulate a sense of enjoyment, reward and motivation. Studies also show that the longer the brain sustains the signals the stronger the enjoyment.

I share that because I think some people just get so numb in their rush from one thing to the next and the grind of day to day life that they don’t even let the ‘feel good signals’ have a chance to kick in within the brain.

What a shame.

It’s a shame because this is not depression it is simply lack of awareness and a lack of effort, with some good reasons for the ‘lack’, to see what is really going on around you and in your Life.

Enjoyment is available to everyone if you just look hard enough. It is certainly within you. Within your heart and within your brain. You just have to be open to it as well as … open up to it.

And if you do? Everything in the world opens up to the possibility of enjoyment. Everything in the world is full, more full than you may think, to the possibility of enjoyment.

And the best?

It means you no longer desperately grasp needlessly for enjoyment.

I am certainly not suggesting that happiness or enjoyment is, or should be, our purpose in Life. I tend to believe the highest order of enjoyment comes when attached to a Life served usefully.