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Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Marriage Counseling tonight- is it even worth it?

So... tonight we go to the marriage counselor together, for the first time.

I've already gone to one appointment alone, and I must say, I feel she wasted my time and my money with that appointment.

On and on about my childhood, my relationship with my parents, blah, blah, blah...

My MARRIAGE is the client, not me.

My MARRIAGE is what needs to be fixed, not me.

Fixing me, or some things about me might be necessary to save my marriage, and that's all fine and good, but she needs to do that 'discovery process' while discovering solutions to fixing the marriage problems.

Because I'm not willing to go through 'post divorce therapy' to help me fix myself for the next relationship... I wan to save THIS ONE.

So, if she's going to make us waste another hour tonight, talking about him and his childhood and bullshit, I'm not going to be a happy camper.

As it is, I don't even want to be bothered to go.

As it is, I'm convinced that the marriage is already over.

I told him on Saturday that 'just avoiding fighting' is NOT 'trying.' That he had to be willing to build on the good stuff.

He asked me to make a list of 10 things I wanted us to do together and said he'd make the same list.

Then he went out for the night, once again, putting his own 'needs' ahead of my needs, leaving me once again, at a terrible time.

And it's not like he went out for 3-4 hours or even 6-7 hours to play golf... he was gone from 4pm until 1:30 in the morning.

He's so concerned about giving the kids a good Christmas? Really? How? Are you just going to hand them cash? Because for all this 'extra money' we're supposed to have, (which we don't anyway, because he is clearly not claiming all the hours he's claiming to me that he's 'stuck working late' because his paychecks sure as Hell don't reflect that) what the fuck good is it if we can't shop for them because the ONLY time we can is when my mom has them, which is ONLY every other Saturday (if we're lucky) and you're spending that very same Saturday out 'being alone'?

Really? Seriously?

And you think that because you say "Well, maybe I am just a selfish prick who shouldn't be around people," that it makes it ok to be a selfish prick.

That that makes everything just A-OK. Hunky fucking dory, right?

Who has to tell you that that's not ok for you to believe it?

Clearly, your mother and your friends think it is ok.

Ed, me, Beckey, Michele... none of us think it's ok, but you have decided not to like or respect any of us... so you can say that what we think doesn't matter... we're 'nobody'.

So, who? Who can tell you that what you are doing is wrong, and you'll believe them?

I feel like neither the counselor or my husband has any interest in 'fixing' the marriage. The counselor seems to want to have a lot of irrelevant chit chat about nothing of importance and I strongly feel that my husband is going in there, planning to tell her that he's just not happy, hoping that she'll 'validate' that ridiculous notion that 'you have to make yourself happy,' so that he can leave.

I am also terrified that he's going to say something like "I'm just done. I'm only here so that I can honestly say that I tried, that I did everything I could do, and I'm just here to help her deal with it and hope we can be civil.'

I really can't stand that he wants 'civility' from me. He sure as fuck doesn't deserve it after what he's done to me.