13 Ways to Destroy an Elf on the Shelf

If you don’t know what this toy is (besides an invention that’s made somebody wealthy), it’s a creepy-looking elf that “spies” on your child during the day, “reports” back to Santa while your child is sleeping, and then “moves” to a different location in the middle of the night.

Personally, I thought using Santa as a threat was enough to skew behaviour for the short-term. Then along came this Orwellian toy.

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I know it’s hard to kill zombies, but what about sinister elves?

I posed this question to my family over breakfast this morning. I recorded their methods in order as they shouted out murderous suggestions between bites of Cheerios.

This isn’t something we ever did as a kid, but from what I’ve seen, the elf on the shelf is terrifying. Here are a few of mine. dress it up like a chestnut and roast it on an open fire. Dress it up like a cookie and feed it to santa (he’s in a rush and he won’t notice.) Hide it in the garbage can so he can inform on the garbage man. Dress it up like a tennis ball and throw it to the dogs. Put it in a bottle and throw it to sea. In 20 years it’ll wash up on shore and be someone else’s problem.

Weird to read about this creepy little Elf on the Shelf dude tonight when just this morning I was telling my husband about him and marvelling how new commercial ‘traditions’ can be added to Christmas. Sorta a Fifty Shades of Grey phenomena-we’ll not quite that…

Abduct an elf and send a magazine letter cut out ransom note to the North Pole on the premise that if your demands are not met within 3 days , the elf will be force-fed a 2 litre bottle of cola like Will Ferrell in the movie Elf and have his mouth duct-taped shut.Add to this by including an impossible demand like world peace or for the North pole to produce Jimmy Hoffa’s leg.

I was going to tell you to give it to the dog or cat. There is a chance that they may merely lie on the floor in front of it and stare. I also like the microwave and office party. If you go for the microwave, put it on a disposable plate; otherwise, there’s a mess to clean up. If you take it to the office party, make sure no one sees you with it; or you’re liable to find it on your desk come Monday morning. Or, you could stick it in a gift bag and hang it on the tree as an ornament. It’s being useful and hidden. When all the guests are ready to go simply slip it in with their other gifts.

The creepiest thing I’ve ever heard of is the elf on the shelf. It actually makes me sad that parents would actually buy that thing in order to keep their kids under control. I’m not a parent, but I know the parenting thing is a hard job that requires 24 hour a day of WORK. Kids shouldn’t be scared or shamed to behave…. Life is a process of learning and no one-child or adult- should ever feel like their every move is being watched and judged. I like Vivian’s idea of putting it on a high shelf….