occult mysteries

Masters of Mischief

A salutary tale of masters and mystery-mongers

Introduction

PART ONE of Astral Conversations. In the first of this unusual series of investigations into the occult with a humorous twist in twelve parts, we are introduced to two colourful occult students who are discussing magic, chakras, masters and mystery-mongers.

Sometimes during very deep meditation even the authors of this website may nod off— particularly after a surfeit of mature cheddar and vintage port taken late at night. . .Then our minds roam the astral world, seeing strange sights and overhearing even stranger conversations among the dwellers there. On one such occasion we overheard the following polemical dialogue between two occult students, brought to us on the mysterious currents of the astral telegraph. Whether they are permanent residents of the astral world or merely visitors like ourselves, we should not like to say, perhaps we shall find out later on as this series of twelve articles unfolds?

What we can tell you, is that these two colourful characters have occasionally appeared before to disturb our meditations. One is an exceedingly knowledgeable occult student with the not inappropriate name of Joshua Bombast who has diplomas from all the best Mystery Schools, acknowledged master (especially by himself) in Tantra, Reiki, Kabbalah, Western Magic, Eastern Magic, Spell-casting, Rune-reading, Tarot, Crystal therapy, Chakra-balancing, Aura-cleansing and Fly-fishing. The other is one Arthur Flitterflop—a rather naive neophyte with the prodigious ability to strain at gnats whilst swallowing the most enormous camels. These two students are real individuals well-known to us whose names we have changed to protect their identities.

Those of you who have ventured into the astral world will know that nothing there is what it seems to be. Nor does it have that comfortable stability with which we are familiar here on earth. Things can change from hour to hour, or even in the twinkling of an eye. One moment we are strolling through a sylvan glade inhaling the perfume of the most delectable flowers, and the next we find ourselves in a low estaminet among a crowd of drunken, brawling ruffians. It is for this reason that we did not hear the beginning of the conversation between Bombast and Flitterflop, whom we join as they argue about a subject dear to all occultists' hearts—the Masters!

BOMBAST: "Masters! You have to be a Master to know one! I actually know four!"

FLITTERFLOP (incredulously): "Four! And I don't even know one."

BOMBAST (smugly): "Ah, my dear boy, but then I am one of the really old souls, so naturally it follows..."

FLITTERFLOP (enviously): "But four of them! I mean—it's a bit unfair, isn't it? Just because you're an old soul, I mean? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I've almost given up...you know...the ladies... I'm virtually vegan, and all my chakras are thoroughly balanced..."

BOMBAST (meaningly): "I've noticed you don't spend much..."

FLITTERFLOP (defensively): "I can't afford to. What with buying those kundalini-sublimating crystals, the first edition of the Great Grimoire signed by Lord Moleskine himself, and saving up for my trip to the Amazon..."

BOMBAST (patronisingly): "Now, if you were an old soul you would not need go so far. Look what I've got here! An actual drawing of THE Masters, channeled by one of their High Chelas under the most rigorous laboratory conditions direct from the source."

(Bombast flourished a sketch of four venerable old men under Flitterflop's nose, which we have faithfully reproduced at the top right of this page by a secret process known only to a few Tibetan Adepts living in an etheric retreat in Shigatse.)

FLITTERFLOP (with a gasp of amazement): "But how did you come by that?"

BOMBAST (portentously tapping his nose): "By the proper occult methods, my boy. You know the drill...first you work the Lesser Blandishing Ritual of the Pentagram——"

FLITTERFLOP: "——don't you mean 'Banishing' Ritual?"

BOMBAST (petulantly): "Banishing? Why on earth would you want to banish the very Masters you're trying to invoke? You want them to appear, you idiot, not vanish!"

FLITTERFLOP (bemusedly): "Vanish?"

BOMBAST: "Vanish, banish, it's all the same thing. No, you need to blandish the Masters if you want to get their attention. Don't they teach you anything in those expensive Mystery Schools?"

FLITTERFLOP: "Which one?"

BOMBAST: "How should I know? How many is it now? Eight? Ten?"

FLITTERFLOP: "twenty-two, no, twenty-one...I dropped out of the Order of the Outer Limits last week."

BOMBAST: "Why was that?"

FLITTERFLOP (shamefacedly): "Well...the regalia was getting a bit expensive. Robes and daggers and swords are all——"

BOMBAST: "——Essential, and wands and a consecrated lemon too."

FLITTERFLOP: "Lemon?"

BOMBAST: "I meant Lamen; slip of the tongue."

FLITTERFLOP: "Quite so, but real 24 carat gold for the sphinx headdress? I thought that was a bit much."

BOMBAST (yawning): "Yes..."

FLITTERFLOP: "And then they wanted me to go all the way to some holy Mount Shitsu in California for my initiation. That's in America you know. What with my dodgy back and fear of heights——"

BOMBAST (impatiently): "Look, do you want to hear how I contacted the Masters or not?"

FLITTERFLOP: "Yes."

BOMBAST: "Well, after the Lesser Blandishing Ritual, you have to pile it on pretty thick. Lots of sucking up. The Masters can't get enough of it. Then you need to wave your wand about a good deal and stand on your head for ten minutes."

FLITTERFLOP (impressed, but sceptical): "Stand on your head?"

BOMBAST: "Of course. How else are you going to sublimate your kundalini and clean out your chakras?"

FLITTERFLOP: "Crystals?"

BOMBAST: "You must be joking."

FLITTERFLOP: "Aura cleansing spray?"

BOMBAST: "Don't be an ass. Crystals and aura cleansing sprays are for New Age turnip-heads and armchair chaos magicians who pontificate on social media. The only way to get kundalini out of the trouser-snake is standing on your head. It unblocks your chakras faster than drain-cleaner."

FLITTERFLOP: "Wow!"

BOMBAST (pompously): "Well, we old souls just know this stuff. And then, you intone the Great Tibetan Mantra."

FLITTERFLOP: "Awesome!"

BOMBAST: "Then, hey presto, there are the Masters, large as life in their astral bodies, exactly as they appear in this sketch!"

FLITTERFLOP: "But how do you know it's authentic?"

BOMBAST (defensively): "Of course it's authentic, you dunderhead! If the Masters can walk through walls and precipitate astral letters through their Chelas, then why can't they impress their likeness on an ordinary piece of paper?"

FLITTERFLOP (suspiciously, but still admiring): "Why are they so very ancient-looking?"

BOMBAST (in a hushed, reverent tone): "They are the Masters of Mystery, Ever More Mystery, Mystery Transcendental and Mystery Incredible, and they are known by their true names of Waffle, Piffle, Humbug and Bunkum."

BOMBAST: "By never saying or doing anything—that is the quintessence of true Mastership. The so-called 'Ascended Masters' you read about in books and on the Internet are only low charlatans, whilst the truly great Masters, such as the four I have contacted, belong to the HIGH ones!!"

(Flitterflop was unsure whether he had understood Bombast's meaning correctly—though we are certain some of our readers will!)

FLITTERFLOP: "But if your High Masters say and do nothing how do their students learn anything?"

BOMBAST: "How do they learn? They just DO, that's all."

FLITTERFLOP: "But they must teach something...somehow."

BOMBAST (exasperatedly): "Look at the picture you gormless barmpot! They raise their left hands and point their fingers at the Whatness of the Nothing. That's how they teach Mystery."

FLITTERFLOP (puzzled): "I see, and do their disciples know what they mean?"

BOMBAST: "Of course they do. You can always tell the kind of Masters who are operating by their disciples. The disciple will always attract the Master whose vibrations correspond to his.
Now, these Masters have been attracted to ME, and I am going to spread their teachings far and wide and make a pile of cash."

FLITTERFLOP (still puzzled): "But you can't set up as a teacher of the Occult with Masters who say and do nothing. You won't get many followers on the strength of four raised forefingers and some very long beards."

BOMBAST: "Your ignorance is abysmal. Some of the biggest occult orders have been founded to promote the teachings of Masters who say and do nothing. Think big, my boy! With four Masters, with four raised forefingers and exceedingly long beards, we've got an occult symbolism which will attract thousands of students..."

Still arguing, the indefatigable Bombast and his vacillating friend Flitterflop passed out of our rapidly returning waking consciousness. Have we heard the last of them? You may well hope so, but we are not so sure...

You can find a complete list and brief descriptions of all the conversation between these two colourful occult students on the introductory page to these Astral conversations. Although these conversations can be read on their own, they are best read in chronological sequence.

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Misleaders of Truth

In this afterword to our tall tale we take a more serious look at the Misleaders of Truth who lead so many seekers into a labyrinth of error and confusion.

You may think that Bombast's 'masters' are very silly indeed and that no sensible person would possibly swallow the preposterous nonsense he feeds Flitterflop. But you would be wrong, for it is just such nonsense, albeit packaged rather more subtly, that is swallowed by thousands of otherwise intelligent and sensible seekers, as we will discover when we encounter our two colourful occult students again.

In ancient times, both East and West, there were many Teachers who taught their carefully chosen students the great Truths of Life. Some fragments of their teachings have filtered down to us in the form of myths and allegories, as we mention in many of our articles. But with the closure of the last of the Greek Mystery schools over 2,000 years ago, this knowledge was lost. Only during the last 150 years or so, has some of this knowledge been rediscovered and re-stated by a few inspired truth-seekers such as H. P. Blavatsky, Manly P. Hall and others.

But no sooner was it published, that it was swiftly misinterpreted and distorted by those who only partially understood it. Thus we arrive at the modern age, when the hunger for truth among those who have some vague recollection of the ancient Mystery schools leads them to all manner of teachings and occult and mystical orders and groups. Many of these teachings and orders contradict one another, give superficial interpretations and make assumptions based on personal speculations, which only compound the confusion and misunderstanding that reigns in the mind of so many seekers.

When we survey the multitude of 'chaos magicians', 'channelers', 'shamans', conspiracy-theorists and other self-appointed 'Masters of Mischief' who infest the Internet, holding forth on what they do not understand, being believed and aped by their misled followers, the unwise leading the stupid, the lame leading the limbless, the deaf not hearing Truth, it is no surprise to us that we receive so many letters from readers who are ready to give up any hope of ever finding answers to the great questions of Life in the muddy waters of the occult, as you can read below:

"I was close to pretty much giving up on "spiritual" stuff and coming to the conclusion that the truth cannot be known until I found your website."

(Reader from the UK)

"Before I found occult mysteries it was as if there was a void deep within my spiritual life, I searched through all sorts of religions and new age numpty with no lasting satisfaction, it wasn't until I found your website that I finally felt I had found some real genuine teachings that I could assimilate in my life!"

(Reader from Canada)

"There is so much information out there that it's so hard to sort the true from the false. Reading your occult studies course is like a veil has lifted and I can see clearly. So many of the answers I have been searching for all my life are right there and to my surprise I find I understand everything."

All this is made much worse by the modern notions that Jack is as good as his master and the so-called 'classless society.' The result of such a creed is obvious. Anyone can rise up and say that he has as much right to teach and to give forth whatever fantasy has entered his mind, and claim that such-and-such is the occult truth and nothing but the truth. The modern world is awash with such self-proclaimed teachers, oracles and prophets, whether they hold forth from a podium, Youtube video, website or book, and the misleading messages they give out lead thousands into confusion.

In olden times these Pretenders to Wisdom and Imposters of Truth would have been made to prove themselves before the Initiated High Priests, as you can read in our article about Initiates and initiation, who would know the claimants for what they truly were, and place them in their proper degree, not permitting them lead the student astray with their fanciful speculations of what they think is Truth.

But those days are gone. Two-thousand years ago dogmatic religion usurped the bright flambeau of Truth and doused the Light of the Wise. This was followed by the rise of speculative philosophy and materialistic science. Each added another veil that removed the sincere seeker a little further from the Source of Truth. Now he stands alone amid doubt and confusion, wondering, in spite of his intuition, whether there is a Divine Plan at all.

All this accounts for the very brief existence of so many occult orders and mystery schools. They begin with a great fanfare and large claims. Books are published, websites built, headquarters established, enthusiasms roused, only to fizzle out after a few short months or years. How different this is to the true teacher who will only build upon the Divine Truths established by the Great Masters of the past, such as Hermes Trismegistus, Pythagoras, Jesus and Gautama Buddha.

It is our sincere hope that this unusual series of investigations will shed a clarifying light upon the many misconceptions which cling like barnacles to the rock of Truth and dispel the illusions which prevent the sincere seeker from recognising the true Teachings and the True Teacher. Such Teachers do exist, even today, as you may read in many of our articles. May you, who are reading this, find them, if such is your sincere desire, and so escape the net the 'Masters of Mischief' weave to entrap the unwary and gullible.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

The authors wish to express their grateful thanks to 'Munchausen Redivivus', whose short story 'Heard in Sleep' was the initial inspiration for the first of these Astral Conversations and the name Flitterflop. 'Heard in Sleep' was published in Volume 5 of the Occult Observer, a short-lived quarterly journal of Occultism edited by Michael Juste which ceased publication in 1950.