When I heard that Jill Homer — the hardcore endurance cyclist of Up in Alaska fame — was going to be in town, I naturally pestered her to please please please come on a ride with me, so I could find out how I stack up as a cyclist against someone who has raced the Iditarod, ridden the Kokopelli and White Rim self-supported and back to back, and is prepping to go race the Great Divide.

What a huge mistake that was.

What nobody realizes, from reading Jill’s blog, is how incredibly imposing she is. And I’m not just talking about her incredibly overbearing, outrageous, obnoxiously loud personality, either.

What you can never tell, from her photos in her own blog, is how incredibly big she is.

Check out this photo I took of her and Kenny during the ride:

Seriously, she must be 8′11″ tall.

Of course, that’s not the only odd thing this photo reveals, either about Kenny or Jill. For one thing, I wish Kenny would stop always taking off his shirt whenever I try to get a photo of him. More importantly, though, it was about 78 degrees (Fahrenheit) outside, and Jill was still outfitted like she was heading out snowcaving or something.

“I’m not comfortable unless I’m wearing six or more layers,” said Jill.

The next thing you probably don’t know about Jill is that she’s incredibly mean. I mean, about halfway through the ride Brad was starting to drop off the pace Jill had set (and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t about to barf myself).

“Pick it up, Keyes,” said Jill, tersely. Jill calls everyone by their last name.

“I can’t. I’m totally maxed,” whined Brad.

Neither Brad, Dug, nor I would have ever expected what came next from Jill: a blindingly fast spin-kick to Brad’s larynx, crushing it and sending him writhing to the ground.

Dug rushed to give first aid. “Don’t,” said Jill, in a voice that brooked no dissent. “He wanted to whine; now he’s got something to whine about. Let’s roll.”

It’s possible that Brad’s still on the trail. I hope he’s OK.

My Strategy

Knowing that I had no chance of surviving the ride without using dirty tricks, I came up with a brilliant strategy right at the parking lot: I would loan Jill one of my bikes.

This is more brilliant than it sounds, believe me.

Here are the handicaps the loan of the bike provided:

Cleats: Jill’s used to riding flat pedals. But the bike I loaned her is a singlespeed, and it’s very nice to have an upstroke on sustained climbs when you’re riding a singlespeed. So I loaned Jill shoes, too. All of this was new to her.

Fully Rigid: The bike has no suspension, at all. And we were headed to ride Jacob’s Ladder, a trail famous for protruding rock and nasty little drops.

Singlespeed: As mentioned earlier, I loaned Jill — a high-cadence devotee — a singlespeed. It was the first time she has ever ridden one. For a technical trail. 5000 feet higher than she’s used to. With a group of three guys who never ride anything but singlespeeds.

Exoticness: What I have not revealed up to this point is that I loaned Jill the Superfly Singlespeed, which she knows is a crazily exotic bike, thereby causing her untold intrepidation. Nobody drives so slowly and overcautiously as in a borrowed Ferrari.

And yet, Jill rode fine. She fell a few times but — unlike Brad — never made a peep. In fact, I think she smiled biggest whenever she hit the ground. In other words, for her first singlespeed / clipped-in ride ever, she rode up Clark’s, up Jacob’s, down upper and lower Jacob’s, then down Ghost. Without particular difficulty and without breaking a sweat.

Then after the rest of us — exhausted — went home, she went on another ride, climbing a mountain pass.

Something’s wrong with that girl.

Evidence

As proof of everything I have disclosed here, I present the following video:

See what I mean?

PS: Don’t believe anything Jill says about the ride. Especially the picture she has of the two of us. That’s totally Photoshopped.

PPS: Song credit for the video: “Rough Boys,” by Pete Townshend, from the album Empty Glass.

Seriously… are you riding or taking a conference call… every time the video shows you stopped he is talking on his phone. Next time you should just ride by and knock that stupid phone out of his hands and run over it.

So… he’s either checking in at home, or trying to make imapmyride work. :) Kidding!! :)

Looks like she had a good time, too, especially there near the end when you had to unclip her foot while she was laying in the bushes. You don’t have poison ivy or poison oak around there, hopefully. :) That would have sucked.

Great post, great vid! Glad you remembered to take the lens cap off! :)

Now that I see the snap of you on Jill’s blog, I notice another one of your sneaky subterfuges. With that jersey on, you were trying to make her see stars before she even had a chance to endo…

Go Jill! And the rest of you should probably just count your blessings that she didn’t just hook up a sled to your bikes and holler “Mush!” the whole way. (Though I think that would be an awesome skill for the twins to use while riding on the Alleycat…)

“I seriously thought it was you and another girl in that photo, until I saw the facial stubble on Elden. He’s got arms like a girl !. Looks like he needs to spend some time at the gym doing some upper body workouts.”

That picture of you two on Jill’s blog is a good one. And I must admit I was immediately struck by how puny she made you look. Of course you’re both still bigger than life bike blogging celebrities so it all evens out.

Hmmmm…. strange that if she was so big that she fit both your Superfly and your shoes so well. The real question is, why are your feet so undersized? You never mentioned this when complaining about your shoes failing! Maybe they don’t test ride shoes that small?
Her feet are size 64 (EU), just like mine. – FC

Fatty,
were you riding the Waltworks? which leads me to my next question, when is the Singlefly review being published? I would like to hear how the Singlefly compares to the WW.
Also, that trail system is amazing. Lucky lucky
Mike
p.s. Win!

And here I was thinking Jill is this introspective and thoughtful person :-) FC – I think you’re pulling our collective legs. Nice that you guys all got together…she needs the friendship extra just now.

I think I finally figured out your secret, Fatty. You really got the camera so that you would have good reason to be in the back of the pack! It’s no fun if you’re in the front and not videoing anyone else! I need to capitalize on this idea- then I’ll have my own reason to be slow! :)

The two best bloggers go for a ride it’s like the perfect blogging storm. Wish I could have been there. By the way, I got my Century to Nowhere package in the mail yesterday. I’m now ready to roll nowhere on Saturday.

After watching the “fun” on single speeds going uphill, I’m not sure I get why one would choose to ride that type of bike. Is it the same thing that draws riders to recumbants, possibly? And the guy (I assume, Dug)that is on the iPhone the whole time, needs to get a life and tell his wife to stop bothering him! Love your writing, blog, etc, but that video was painful to watch. Sorry…

I love 8′11″ Jill. Indeed that size matches her loud, obnoxious personality. I loved reading both your perspectives on this ride. Thanks for the laughs, fatty (or really, based on the photo on Jill’s blog, I am going to start calling you skinny).

Elden, you got the title wrong. Should be How To (TRY) to Defeat Jill Homer. You threw her all those curveballs and she still rocked it. Then finishing with Little Cottonwood? That’s an event all by itself…

Thanks for being so kind! I really did have a great time and Dave Nice helped me improve my technical rock skiils. Give me another week and I’ll be ready to rock it ! Or not. :-) Either way, I do hope to ride with you again. I’ll let you know how the clipless work out.