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My pursuit of Happiness

I drank coffee through a paper towel

Not so many years ago, I woke up crabby every morning. Okay…let me start again because I still do.

Not so many years ago, when the first thing went wrong in my day…wrong meaning not in line with my planned schedule of how I should feel or what I should do or what happens to me, I would have a more pessimistic attitude that – well that just figures…that is my life. Encased in anxiety, hatred, self doubt and no particular self esteem I could grab ahold of…I went from minute to minute wondering what other crap I was going to have to endure before I could go to bed at night and wake up and start the sad, sad next day again. I was always contemplating tomorrow…because tomorrow would always be better than today..and then of course I was disappointed yet again. My hair cut didn’t make me more attractive, I failed at the plan to diet with my first slice of toast or 2 bowls of sugar cereal or cake from the night before. Each day was a disappointment and if there was real joy…I knew I should feel it…but couldn’t.

I used to provide all kinds of lip service to anyone who would listen about how we have to live in the moment. Now is now. yesterday is yesterday and we have no idea what will happen tomorrow. I believed it…but I didn’t live it. Then as we prepared for my retirement, I knew in order to save myself..I had to make a clean break and start all over. It was very scary, it is something I had never done before – just thinking of myself, it was emotional, it was labor intensive, did I mention it was exhilarating. It was really May 6th 2013 when we bought a house in Missouri – and the next day my daughter gave birth to Jaxon that I started to live and I knew that I just needed to make it through another few months and then I would start to really live…I would be retired.

It’s true. It happened. It’s not for everyone. But I had to put the past and the ghosts behind me and start afresh.

I changed my perspective…I live in the moment. The kidney cancer diagnosis was a huge reminder that we have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow. I’m still growing. My daughter helps me fine tune what actually living in the moment is all about. A cool breeze blowing over me can bring peace and help me relax. I have choices now…I don’t live by other people’s rules and standards. I have finally found peace…I feel that way but I don’t think I have truly found complete inner peace. It is a process. I know than when I truly find complete inner peace, it will be time to die. Because my sole personal accomplishment will be met. It’s a process.

oh…and about the paper towel in the coffee. When I rinsed out my coffee vessel the other night, I stuck a paper towel inside, put the lid back on and turned it upside down to alert me that there was a paper towel wadded up inside. Yesterday morning, I took the lid off and made my dark french roast Kuerig cup of coffee…it was deslish. I was shocked last night when I rinsed out my coffee cup and out dropped a brown, coffee soaked paper towel…that’s all. Just reminded me that insignificant things happen every day…things that might irritate us…the first thing in the morning that goes wrong does not have anything to do with what is going to happen for the rest of the day….thats what I have learned by striving to live in the moment.

I’ve always been a one day at a time person. I do not plan much. I always know what to expect at work. I bend like a red with whatever comes generally. Lately I have done some plotting in my personal life. I am avoiding the direct approach to an issue we talked about last week and things are beginning to take shape in another form. Once I know more I will share. Things seem to be falling into place. Sometimes it’s best just to wait and let things happen naturally. Force is not required because there are other forces that can make the same shit happen too if you’ll pardon my use of the common word for fecal excrement. I always prefer the natural to the forced or the synthetic. It makes everything more acceptable when the excrement finally flies through the oscillating wind device.

NinaSusan, the humorous way you explain things delight me so much! I am like your younger self; I am getting better in taking it easy with the age (which really makes me happy). I am also aware that I still need to work on this “perfectionism” I have. this post gave me further hope that it is gonna happen. I hope your health is in good condition and all is going well with you. best

I disagree with you. When you find true deep inner peace you will keep on living for a bit so that you can enjoy it.
I am always happy when you talk about your journey. It makes me smile and let’s me share your joy.