It amazes me.

It amazes me that I still struggle so hard to believe. But it shouldn’t. Not only am I naturally inclined to trust myself, but when you are raised by narcs and marry a narc, the message you got your whole life is. There is no one but you to depend on, no one but you. Not only those things but there is the culture. Before enlightenment deism western culture for the most part believed that god was active in the world. Not only did he exist but he was actively engaged in everything that happened. And that, not sure how to say this, that when someone learned something, anything math, science or whatever those things were revealed to them by god. Humans did not do things in their own power but they were quickened with god’s help to be able to do it, pretty much all of it.

That all changed with enlightenment deism. Deism came along in the 18th century and said god is not here in the world, he is out there somewhere. Yeah sure, he made it and all but he is watching from afar. Like a clock maker who makes a clock. Make the clock, wind it up and voiala ?sp, you have a clock fully functioning on its own. After deism was naturalism. God did not make the world. Matter is eternal, has always been here. Then you have nihilism. If we are just a big collection of atoms and molecules randomly doing their thing then why are we here? Answer, there is not particular reason or purpose for anything. Do the best while you are here, then that’s it. You’re done. Music tells us that this is our story. God is watching us from a distance. What a beautiful song 🙂 or there is the Beatles. Come and join us in the world we dream of no heaven above us no hell below us. No god anywhere in sight. Come join us and live in peace forever. hhhmmm

So I need to cut myself some slack when I still struggle. Lord I believe. Help my unbelief.