Useful Conversation Advice

When I first meet people and they ask me what I do, I say, “Well, I mean, I’m not a professional body builder.”

This allows them to ask questions. Questions like these questions:

Q. You look like a professional body builder. How do you stay in such great shape if this isn’t your profession?

A. That’s a good question. I’m glad you asked it. I’m actually not in that amazing of shape. But I do run a lot and when I’m running I make an expression like, “This is really difficult” or “I’m going to destroy you!” And, that seems to keep me feeling like I’m in really good shape.

Q. If you’re not a professional body builder, what is your profession?

A. Hmm. That’s another good question. I don’t actually know what my profession is. I’ve had at least 25 jobs in my life. Let me ask you something, do we need professions now? Or can we just create side hustles? Or can we just own a laptop and that is our job? Hmm. I’m not sure. To get right down to it: I think I’ve always wanted to be a graphic designer. Does that answer your question? Oh before you answer that, let me take this other question.

Q. Do you know where Jacob is?

A. Great question. Yes, I do. He’s inside. I think I saw Lana in there too.

Q. What do you need to do to become a professional body builder? I was very good at wrestling during high school.

A. Wow, that’s great. You’re probably closer to achieving the dream than I am, but I would recommend a morning routine where you eat about one or two bananas and drink a lot of water. Then you can essentially leave the rest to makeup contouring.

Alright everyone, thanks for asking me all these questions. That’s all the questions I’m going to take because I want to go inside and check out the chip situation, but thanks for coming out and make sure to follow me on social media but not in real life, like not in a dark alley. I mean, yeah, I’m not a professional body builder but I know how to ghost a pigeon if you know what I mean.*

*this is a bonus conversation strategy. if you are sick of talking, just say something that seems like it makes sense, but really it doesn’t. usually, no one will ask you questions and you can go find the chips.

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I am a writer with an MFA in fiction from New England College. I love the exchange of a joke; it asks the participant to travel into a non-logical space and allow the physiological reaction of laughter in themselves. I like jokes that nearly don't make sense.