Marry the Man Who Stays

It won’t matter if he was well-dressed, if he said all the right words, if he was funny or trendy or cool.

The pictures won’t matter. The “likes”, the status, the #relationshipgoals achieved – they’ll just be ripples on the surface of a newfound depth.

There is so much relationship advice out there and I’m just one voice among millions, but if I could tell you one thing, dear girl, it’s this:

marry the man who stays.

Anybody can tell you you’re pretty in yoga pants and a messy bun. You need the rarer kind; the kind who sticks through the messy of your soul.

He’s often overlooked, this man. You won’t find a microphone in his hand or a stage beneath his feet. He may not lead the Bible study or share profound insights into the Word. Instead, his hands do the work unnoticed, and he stands quietly in the background. He leads by serving. But he lives profoundly.

If you move too fast you might miss him. If you’re captivated by the spotlight you won’t see him in the shadows. If you’re looking for a “type” you might never notice he is there.

But he is.

We’re trained to look for the movers and shakers, the leaders and the loud. We think spiritual leadership means holding the microphone – but it’s more about holding the fort. The man who stands on principle isn’t en route to anywhere else; he’s neither moving nor shaking. He simply stays.

We think of faithfulness as something practiced once we’re married, but it doesn’t just happen when the rings slip on our hands. It’s a discipline of the heart that begins early. It’s the choice to stick with it when things get tough, when you’re overlooked, when your work is ignored and you’re left standing there. It’s choosing to stay when you have every reason to leave.

The man who stays faithful when no one is looking – in his job, in his ministry, in his life – is the man who stays with you when marriage gets hard. This man doesn’t run from a fight, not so he can win it – but so he can win back your trust. He stays to the end because he values a happy ending. His glory isn’t in applause and popularity but in the quiet assurance of his faithful love.

He’s the man who chooses love when love means being patient and kind – when you deserve neither patience nor kindness.

He loves because Christ first loved him.

Paul warned against being “unequally yoked with unbelievers”, an admonition many Christian girls question in the throes of attraction. But if there ever was reason to follow Paul’s command, it is in the necessity of faithfulness. Many a man can say he loves you. Many can win and woo with words. And even more can persuade you that faith is of little consequence; that love can make up the difference.

But love and faith are one and the same. They cannot exist apart from one another.

Your faithful love, O Lord, extends to the heavens. (Psalm 36:5)

Staying love isn’t built on emotion. Sometimes it simply exists. But deep beneath its quiet existence burns an unquenchable fire fueled by faithfulness. As we choose love in unlovely moments the fire burns brighter and hotter. The heat of it warms the heart that could otherwise grow cold. Lasting love is built on the staying power of faithfulness.

It seems too simple, choosing to stay. It looks easy, but it’s so incredibly hard. Faithfulness is the very essence of God Himself, who strives with the sinner and stays with the broken even when it hurts. Even when it costs Him everything.

Don’t look for a man to “spiritually lead” you; you need a man spiritually led by God, whose faithfulness is the foundation of every true love. The man led by God is led by God’s love. God’s love is unfailing. God’s love is steadfast. God’s love stays.

So marry the man whose love is like God’s: faithful, eternal, and steadfast. This kind of love sticks through the hardest moments and buoys you through every storm. It’s a slow love, mundane in its dailyness. But it’s the kind of love you wake up to every morning because you can trust that it will still be there.

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Reader Interactions

Comments

Hi Phylicia,
Thank you for this post! I’ve read it before, but it wasn’t until I read it again today that your words really clicked in my heart and mind. Since going off to college, I’ve been convicted of how I understand godliness and the characteristics I seek in a future spouse. I’ve often fallen into the mindset you describe above, looking for young men who are external “spiritual leaders” or who pursue a rigorously intellectual faith. Your post has helped confirm that while these things are not bad in and of themselves, character (integrity, faithfulness) is paramount for a lasting, Godly relationship.

I’ve been a long-time follower of Phylicia Delta, and God has used so many of your posts to shape how I think about relationships, marriage, and work. Thank you for your ministry!

However, what about those of us men who stayed through the thick and thin (ulcerative colitis for her) even through their own bouts of cancer and heart surgery (me) only to have the “Love of my Life” up and divorce me after 23 1/2 years of marriage and together traveling to Romania for a week and adopting a boy and bringing him up as a fine young man.

There are those of us men who were taught to be Godly men and Gentlemen and stand by our mates at all costs….
But what do we do when they are the ones who leave?

It’s taken six years of no one as a support (moral/ emotional/ friend) to get past it and rely solely on myself.

*This so called saintly person is now going out and doing things with her new husband of a year that she frowned upon while we were married. The only sin I was guilty of, was being “faithful and forsaking all others”, being in Church every week, being a good husband, and also a good father. I was told that I was boring and that they (said person) were no longer in love with me.

Needless to say….I have completely severed all ties with that individual except through our son that we adopted together almost 20 years ago.

It has made me cynical and wary of females as a whole.
Slowly but surely I’m trying to overcome that and tell myself that not all women are manipulative and actually do care for their husbands and do love them and stand by them. Maybe one of these days before I die, someone will come along and put my faith and trust in females again.

W, I am so sorry to hear this has been your experience. I think in cases like these, it’s an example of a woman who did NOT appreciate the “man who stays”. And that’s why I wrote a post like this, because the idea that faithfulness is “boring” inevitably leads to that conclusion if it’s not headed off while you’re dating. When women (and men) compare their spouse to cultural standards, or look to other men/women as the measure of what their spouse should be, discontent will set in. If you’re at peace with God for how you handled your marriage, the decision to leave is entirely her responsibility. She will answer for that decision. It’s no wonder you’re wary of women after this experience, but let God continue to work healing in your heart, because His wisdom and restoration are the only things that can help you see beyond experience to the value of your and His faithfulness.

Well.. yea seems harsh to understand. Our minds seem to overload with lies and disturbing images that we get annoyed and tired to think. I wonder where can these people be at? Is so hard to figure out who can be for you. Even as a very godly young woman, is hard to figure these people out. You Are correct. Not just because a person tells you you are beautiful, it can’t mean something wonderful forever but rather their actions will mean something for a last time.

There are so many women out there who are getting caught up with the things the guy tells them and how he lavishes gifts on them that they are overlooking serious character flaws. Be aware there are men out there with money that will and do take advantage of unsuspecting young and older women. The man will make them feel like they are the only woman in his that his life hasn’t been complete until they met. Meanwhile, he has to have a mental day planner to keep all the women he is seeing and sleeping with separated. They will have multiple cell phones that will use to help them keep track of all the different women. Some seem to like going after women who have led virtuous lives up to the point of meeting “the man”. He will charm and somehow get the women to drop their defences and their values. Many of these women have come from physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally, or verbally abusive backgrounds. Please be aware and don’t allow yourself to be the next victim. If you have been through this situation, please know there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will survive. Be a SURVIVOR.

Hi. This post brought me to tears. Almost weeping tears. I’ve struggled so so much with this battle, having other girls encourage me and making sure my boyfriend is “spiritually leading” me. And I’ve known for a long time that my boyfriend is the man I will marry. And I’ve known that with such certainty and peace and trust that this is who the Lord has been preparing me for . But when other people put all these expectations on what a mans role is to be, I look at our relationship and don’t see some things and sometimes, even if for just a split second, I find myself doubting and wondering. And then I catch myself and get so angry because it’s SO unfair and feels so wrong for me to feel that way. No, my man doesn’t lead Bible studies, and he doesn’t sing in the worship team, but he does love me and lead me in all the right and important ways. And so many don’t understand that and it’s so difficult to explain. Your post is an answer to a prayer I never prayed. And I’m praising Jesus so much for that. Thank you for speaking up and sharing your heart. You don’t know how much it means. Keep doin what your doin girl.

Hi Phylicia, this is a beautifully stunning post. Wow! So powerful and so true.

I think more women, especially younger girls, need to understand this truth on what to look for in a husband. I think a man’s true character shows when he has an opportunity to leave, but doesn’t. I’m 21 years old, and through seeing my parent’s marriage fail because of my dad’s unfaithfulness, I know this is one of the most important values of a man. And also through my own relationship experiences, I realized I need to find someone who chooses to stay even when things get messy.

How beautiful the thought that faithfulness is God’s very nature and that He never leaves us even in our worst moments.

Would you mind if I shared this on my blog and credited you? I just believe in this post so much and would love to share it. My blog is authentric.com.

Anyway, thank you for sharing this wisdom. I found you via http://foreverymom.com/ and now subscribed to you! I just love your blog. Have a wonderful day.

Hey Jessica! Thank you for sharing your story. It is so hard to feel the pain of a broken marriage where one person (especially a husband/father) doesn’t do the thing that is so simple, yet so necessary: stay. Feel free to share as long as there is a link back 🙂 Nice to meet you!

This is so great and strengthening. I’ve always believed in those biblical values you describe in your post.
When I read them, it reassures me that this is what God awaits from me, towards my future wife. To be honest, I don’t want her to choose me because of any beauty, money or even some kind of self-show spirituality. I want her to see PURE, GODLY, PRACTICAL LOVE. That no matter what I do, let her see LOVE, even when I’ll be asking for her forgiveness or help.

What a great post. Faithfulness (and patience) are very undervalued!
I’m 22, single and feel like it’s so refreshing to find a Christian and sincere piece of advice among the standard quotes from social media. Everyone makes some sort of mistakes or does well at life choices but so rarely shares their experience and understanding, it’s surprising. And the younger generation wants to talk about serious matters & hear about a real experience. Especially on things we all go through like choosing a life partner. Thank you for your openness! You motivate me!

Oh Phylicia, thank you for this beautiful article. You have just described beautifully my own husband who, when I was so unwell that dating me meant sitting on a chair next to my bed, stuck faithfully around, convinced that I was worth it. When I seemed to get better then relapsed once more, still he stayed, refusing to be scared off by the uncertainly that being with me brought. When my mind followed my body for a time and I couldn’t think straight and I couldn’t him tell that I was as sure about us as he was – because I didn’t feel anything at all – still patiently he stayed and loved me and waited until I could feel again. And when finally my mind cleared and my heart was sure, there he was. And I married him, and he is there for me every day. My health is still not particularly good, but I have the best husband I could ask for.

When our 23 year old daughter told us that she was interested in a certain young man whom she had gotten acquainted with at his family’s house where she taught violin lessons in exchange for sewing lessons from his mom, my husband and I were both a bit surprised. You see our daughters have had a singing ministry for several years and are quite outgoing. This young man, well, let’s just say he isn’t exactly an extrovert. In all honesty, he was not what we had envisioned for our daughter. But then we got to know him. He is very much all that you describe here and over the last year, our whole family has come to love this amazingly humble, gentle, patient, and kind man. In a little over two weeks my husband will walk his daughter down the aisle to give her in holy matrimony to an honorable man of God. What more could a mother ask for?

Thank you for imparting such wisdom to young ladies, including my daughters, Phylicia!

Phylicia, your writing brings tears. You describe my own husband in ways I didn’t have words for. My husband never does things for recognition and doesn’t look to see if people notice…whereas I sometimes want every little thing I do to be seen, and want him to know every dish I wash, sometimes! A female friend and I, both in our sixties, love reading your wisdom. I hope it’s ok to say since we’re older ladies that your husband seems to epitomize all that you wrote here as well as being handsome 😉 and you and he had us charmed when you described his verbal playfulness in the movie theater when you first met. It is charming to read of your lives young yet full of wisdom.

Aw you are so kind Karen. I love hearing about your husband as well! It actually warms my heart because you’ve been married to him far longer than I’ve been with Mr. M, and I think it will encourage many young women to know that men like that continue to be faithful even over all those years. 🙂 I think in today’s culture the simplicity of just staying married is often overlooked. Faithfulness isn’t a big deal until someone is UNfaithful, and it shouldn’t be that way. 🙂

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Overcomers gather here. I'm Phylicia, and I believe in abundant life, practically. In singleness or marriage, work or home, we don't have to live in defeat! Join me to learn how to apply God's Word and preach the gospel with your life. View Full Profile

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