Patriots: The Movie - Who will play Tom Brady?

Wednesday

Jan 30, 2008 at 12:01 AMJan 30, 2008 at 3:20 PM

From the surprise trade for NFL-bad-boy Randy Moss last spring to Spygate to quarterback Tom Brady’s many loves, there’s a plethora of material. The only problem is how to squeeze it all into a two-hour movie.

Al Alexander

With the Patriots one game from perfection, it’s a perfect time to begin thinking about a Hollywood blockbuster chronicling the numerous triumphs, controversies and romantic turmoil that transpired since that painful loss to Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts one year ago in the AFC Championship game.

It’s a great story, too, full of intrigue, deceit and ultimately atonement. It’s so good in fact, my imagination has just green-lit the picture with a budget roughly equal to the payrolls of the Yankees and Red Sox – combined.

So I’m settling for nothing but the best director, the best actors and the best writers. Oops! I forgot. The writers are on strike. No matter, the 2007 edition of the New England Patriots is a story that writes itself.

From the surprise trade for NFL-bad-boy Randy Moss last spring to Spygate to quarterback Tom Brady’s many loves, there’s a plethora of material. The only problem is how to squeeze it all into a two-hour movie.

The obvious place to trim back is on game highlights, because what’s to gain in recreating all those 38-14 routs of Buffalo and its like when the film would be better served by a simple montage of the 23 touchdown passes from Brady to Moss set to “We Are the Champions.”

Of course, the director might have other ideas. But who will that be? One possibility is Oliver Stone. He’s game tested (“Any Given Sunday”) and after directing “Nixon,” he would know exactly how to handle the sad case of a powerful man, like Bill
Belichick, unnecessarily resorting to illegal shenanigans to win an election err game. He’d also satisfy all those conspiracy theorists that believe the rest of the NFL has it out for our boys.

I also like the idea of Martin Scorsese, who did a marvelous job capturing the ambiance of Boston in his Oscar-winning “The Departed,” and whose work on “The Aviator” proved he knows a thing or two about aerial attacks. You also gotta love that he directed “Gangs of New York,” especially with the Jets and the Giants playing such villainous roles this season. So, he’s my guy.

Now the hard part: casting. Sure, hometown boy Matt Damon as Brady is a no-brainer, as is Ben Affleck as the QB’s go-to guy, Wes Welker. But what about the rest of the organization? Do you go with big stars, like say Jack Nicholson as Bob Kraft, or do you go for someone in need of a Travolta-esque comeback, like, say, Dick Van Patton to play the Pats’ owner. Tough choice, but I’m going with the latter, even though eight (points) was never enough for the Patriots.

Given his high level of importance, I’m going to stick with a huge star to play Belichick. His name: Anthony Hopkins. He’s forceful, charismatic and a born leader. Plus, his insight from having played Nixon so well will be beneficial in fleshing out a man who tarnished his legend with one foolish act.

An equally challenging role is that of Moss, a guy who can seem cordial one minute and menacing the next. Any one who’s seen “Training Day” and American Gangster” knows there’s only one person who could handle such complexity, and that’s Denzel (“He’s Got Game”) Washington.

Playing the third of Brady’s outstanding wide-outs will be the far-out Eddie Murphy, whose work on “Pluto Nash” makes him the ideal doppelganger for the otherworldly Donte Stallworth, whose alter ego, Nicco, claims to be from Mars.

In key supporting roles, I like the smart and funny Owen Wilson (beefed up, of course) to play the smart and funny tackle, Matt Light; character actor extraordinaire Don Cheadle as character actor extraordinaire Troy Brown; dread-locked Rohan Marley (a former University of Miami linebacker) as dread-locked running back Laurence Maroney; and hunky Djimon Hounsou as hunky tight end Daniel Graham.

On the other side of the ball, I like The Rock as the immovable Junior Seau; take-no-quarter rapper 50 Cent as take-no-guff headhunter Rodney Harrison; the rough-and-tumble John Leguizamo as rough-and-tough linebacker Tedy Bruschi; and the imposing center Shaquille O’Neal as the imposing center of the Pats’ defense, Richard Seymour.

To represent the local media, I think I’ll go with Carrot Top as Dan Shaughnessy. And for the role of Patriots heir, Jonathan Kraft, who better than DreamWorks exec Jeffrey Katzenberg, a dead-ringer.

As for Brady’s band of babes, I think the part of Bridget Moynahan, the mother of his infant son, should go to “Gone Baby Gone’s” Michelle Monaghan; and the role of current squeeze, supermodel Gisele Bundchen, must go to Bundchen herself, simply because no one else is that gorgeous.

Ah, now the best part, the villains – and there are several. But the most prominent are: Jets’ coach Eric Mangini (known here forth as Judas), played by the King of Queens (who else?), Kevin James; smug NFL commissioner Roger Godell, brought to life by “24’s” smug star Kiefer Sutherland; annoying, loud-mouthed LaDanian Tomlinson, inhabited by annoying, loud-mouthed Chris Tucker; and the surviving members of the whinny, snipey 1972 Miami Dolphins, will be fleshed out by the whiney, snipey Rosie O’Donnell.

As of the moment there is no exact release date planned for our fair feature, but I can assure you filming will commence on Feb. 5 with a scene featuring more than a million extras. That, of course, will be the Pats’ victory parade. See you there and be sure to smile for the cameras.