How to Have a Beach-Ready Body That Is Eight Feet Tall and Weighs 190 Pounds of Blind, Nightmarish Fury

If there’s one thing we know, it’s that bodies come in all shapes and sizes and no one body is better than any other, except for yours, which is terrible. If there’s another thing we know, it’s that women need more confidence, and nothing builds confidence like having a killer body. So, are you feeling like you’d like to welcome in a new look this coming summer? Maybe you have something special you’d like to squeeze into, like a voting booth or an elevator containing Jeff Flake. If so, it sounds like you are ready to get to work, get confident, and get your Beach-Ready Body.

Background

The Beach-Ready Body has existed for over 50,000 years. Early drawings have been found of them in the caves at Disneyland, Paris, and their shells have been unearthed at burial sites across Central Europe. Historic proponents include Jane Austen, Mary Shelley, and, of course, Emily ‘the Body’ Bronte.

Originally found in coastal areas, Beach-Ready Bodies gain their name from their tawny yellow coloring and their habit of emerging from the sand every 28 days to swarm, sharp-toothed, over upcycled surf shacks and artisanal cafés staffed entirely by white men named Noah. Capricious, mischievous even, the Beach-Ready Body is a central character in many myths and folk tales, where they take the role of both hero and trickster. ​ Famously, there is one in the background of Cher’s video for “Turn Back Time,” straddling a cannon and facing the wrong way.​

Care​

For decades, we’ve been told that being over 6 feet tall and weighing 190 pounds of blind, nightmarish fury is the only way to wear a bikini with confidence, and this certainly still holds true. ​ But despite being smooth and glistening with glandular grease, wearing other kinds of clothes — even a flattering, hip-skimming kaftan — makes it harder for the Beach-Ready Body to slide its muscular frame​ through narrow spaces in pursuit of prey. ​However, unhindered, they can move as fast as a man running at full speed, or in some cases ​a van with its windows down, so no need to book that Uber after all.
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If your Beach-Ready Body is still developing, it will need softer food until its jaws are strong enough to kill intruders.​ Peeled apples, oranges, and dates are all good choices. To avoid choking, first dates should be chopped up before being used. Until reaching full maturity, beach-ready bodies will be unable to digest innuendo, comments about your marital status, or Aquarians with a history of restraining orders, ​thus choose wisely. ​
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If they do become picky, try offering them a range of food, like the cycling shorts you wear underneath skirts at festivals, or people who play Ed Sheeran songs around campfires, or Ed Sheeran. Ensure your body gets enough exercise by making its food hard to reach — cat-callers clinging desperately to scaffolding, for example, which it will dismantle slowly, ​piece by steely piece. ​

On The Move

Despite their name, Beach-Ready Bodies are all-year-rounders — equally happy in environments such as the office, the commute, or the funerals of Mafia bosses.​ They can fit easily inside a designer tote or evening jacket. Nothing says “day-to-night look” like spindly, tiny legs waving menacingly from a clutch bag. They are also an eye-catching alternative to that other red-carpet classic: the suit of armor. ​
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But remember: while they are usually small and fun to hang out with, Beach-Ready Bodies will grow to a terrifying 8-feet tall when startled, revealing a powerful, loamy torso sheathed in scales. This is called “marking,” after famed scientist Mark Wahlberg, so always make sure there is enough room around you. If you do need an extra seat on the train, no need to pull the ripcord on your sumo suit — ​the flat, soulless gaze of your Beach-Ready Body, squatting on your lap, should be enough to ensure personal space. ​

Tip: Beach-Ready Bodies are naturally nocturnal and require periods of deep rest and reflection. Periodically they will retreat into dark, mysterious caverns, feeding only on things that can last up to six months: dried fish, cured meat, and the apologies of comedians you used to respect.

You’ve Got This!

Maybe you feel the perfect body is an unattainable mirage sold to you by a society deeply invested in perpetuating your lack of self-worth. Maybe you’re not sure if night-time beach maneuvers are the best way to prepare for the next election. But however hopeless you feel right now, just remember that nothing makes waves like a Beach-Ready Body, because it controls the tides with its vagina. Good luck, and see you on the beach!