9 Totally Legit Reasons To Get A ‘Gray Divorce’ — And What That Means

You stand at the curb in front of a dorm at AnyPlace College and watch your youngest child, with an attendant duffel bag, disappear inside. Your spouse of at least 18 years hovers next to you, and suddenly this merger you created those many years ago is no longer necessary. It’s a choice.

You drive home, largely in silence, as you process the fact that the two of you are alone again.

If you married well, worked hard at communication, expressed any resentments that may have cropped up, kept goodwill alive in your marital bed, continued to evolve as individuals, came together in your decision-making, and didn’t allow the day-to-day minutia of raising a family erode your relationship, this may well be the second honeymoon phase of your marriage.

Now you can make love in every room of the house, or at least be naked in every room of the house, making as much noise as you like. You can reconnect as people, not parents.

So what can you do if you find yourself sitting across the table from a person you’ve grown to resent and even loathe minus the buffer your children provided?

Find You

I know that’s a tall order and sounds vaguely Scientology-esque, but until you know who you are and what you want, there’s no way you’ll feel entitled to step away from a long-term, unsatisfying or even painful situation. These are some ideas I give clients to find out who they are:

Join a recovery group (aka your mental health village).

Isolation is a killer. And when we’re in a toxic relationship we’re often ashamed. And shame wants us to stay isolated. It’s a poisonous Möbius Strip. I personally love 12-step programs due to the spiritual components found there. But you might find support in your church or some other type of recovery group. (You can skip Scientology and the Moonies.) Basically, anywhere two or more people gather to share common problems and challenges.

Write down and share your fears.

Get a good journal and write down every negative thing you worry might happen if you get a “gray divorce”:

The kids won’t be okay.

I’ll be broke and living in my 1990 Toyota Celica.

I’ll never meet another love and will live the rest of my life alone.

Get those little Fear Cockroaches out of the dark and into the light of day where you can see them scurrying about like the repellent creatures they are. Then share them with your mental health village. (This should be a safe, non-judgmental place to share. No shaming allowed.) Sharing our fears can often shrink them, making them more manageable.

It may feel awkward to write down your wish list. If we’ve been in a toxic relationship long enough, we might be so beaten down that we don’t feel entitled to such great things. Write them down anyway. Read them aloud before bed and upon waking. Our unconscious mind will process these “affirmations” and we’ll slowly become able to embrace them.

In time, these positive possibilities might carry more weight than our fears, giving us the courage to change. When we can visualize our good, we can receive our good. When you share them with your mental health village and they energetically support you, this helps you feel like you’re not changing your life in a vacuum.

Slay Your Ego

Our egos are punk ass little bitches. They really know how to keep us stuck in stinking situations by whispering things like this into our ears:

Your smug, perfect, happily married sister Margaret never liked your spouse and warned you against him. If you leave you’ll have to admit she was right and you were wrong, which is humiliating.

If you leave you’ll no longer live in your big, fancy house, or belong to the same clubs and all of your friends will feel superior to you and pity you.

If you are averse to Higher Powers thanks to a bad religious experience or are adamantly atheist, your Higher Power could be Nature, or Science, or the ever-expanding Universe. If you’re feeling bad enough you might be willing to “fake it ‘til you make it.”

After doing all of these things your self-esteem will flourish. You’ll become strong enough to set healthy boundaries while remaining in your marriage. Or you might just decide it’s time to step off and see what the rest of your life has in store.