From the mountains to Peking, where the paper lanterns gently swing

Towards the end of my helicopter ride we dropped suddenly and skimmed the floodlights at Stockport County to the gasps and cheers of local schoolchildren and itinerant peddlers. Then back, high high high and away, to land on the roof of the iconic Lidl building.

Today has been a blast. My first helicopter ride AND a quiz victory to savour…..!!

I applied to go on the Krypton Factor 33 years ago and it turns out they lost my application but they read my profile and saw how intelligent and athletic I was and invited me on today for a celebrity special! I was up against Kevin Webster off Corrie, Smooth Derek out of boyband Blue, and Angina d’Bonnet, celebrity chef / surgeon. I only went and won it! It will be shown on the Quiz Channel next week. I won by loads of points as I am agile and have street smarts.

Gordon Burns still runs the Krypton Factor but he is a hard man, pushing and shoving and generally being not that nice. At the age of 76 he has not mellowed. He stole my dinner money and called me Skinnybuttsixpack several times. Did you know that he is the 2nd cousin of Ed Sheeran? True.

I still don’t know who Ed Sheeran really is. I know vaguely what he looks like but I thought he was a folk singer. Whenever the car radio is on I say ‘that’s Ed Sheeran’ and the other day amazingly it was but it sounded nothing like what I expected. It was still rubbish. Then he wanted to build his own church. What’s that all about? I reckon I would really not like him if I met him. Gordon said he would introduce us but that was more of a threat than a nicety.

Now whoah! Is that him? It looks like Chris Evans. I don’t like him either.

Actually there is some Jamie Oliver in there and I detest him with a vengeance. Ever since he copied my idea and became a famous celebrity chef. My idea was to become a famous celebrity chef and I had just started to plan how to learn to cook and that, when he started all his stuff. Talk about a blatant rip-off.

Talking about food, me and Bob Seniors are off for a pub lunch soon. Baked potato or baguette? I need to be sensible so I can fit my curry in with the Viola Club Stockport compact crew later. I had cereal this morning instead of my usual Barry Porter sausages to prepare.

There has been consternation in the Bob Senior household today though after I accepted a package on behalf of the neighbours across the road; a large sack of dog food. Well there has been constant debate – keep it in the porch or the garage?; are they in yet or not?; have they gone away?; have they actually got a dog?; why did they not arrange for it to be delivered when they were going to be in? I could go on. Rather than keeping you on tenterhooks, they are not in at present and it is in the porch.

The Chinese takeaway last night was good but again caused lots of consternation. There is so much of it? How can we eat all this? Ooh this is hot [yes, it has chillies in]. There is so much meat on the ribs. How can we eat all this? How can we eat all this? We got past the upset and enjoyed a very pleasant meal.

Hands up who likes noodles? Me too!

The World Cup is over but the new season starts soon. Can’t make Stockport’s pre-season tonight at home to Rochdale due to curry commitments but Serie A fixtures come out Thursday so next Fiorentina trip to plan soon. Clapton FC league fixtures are not out yet. West Ham keep trying to make me buy a season ticket. Now if I had money to burn I would but I would rather go to fewer Stockport, Fiorentina and Clapton games to be honest, than see Premier League football and lose most Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays or whatever other random day or time they choose.

Sticking with football, if you want to read fab informed articles then my friends write a lot professionally. Examples below.

I forgot to mention, on popping out to the local shops yesterday I chanced upon this jazz band busking. Now I love little hamsters but jazz is a load of old tosh. I therefore booed at them and threw stones and a bucket of water over them. Ha ha. Hamster idiots.

If you hate jazz, why not go looking for a hamster jazz band and get into a bit of aggro with them.

Talking aggro, I had two complaints about my last Boblog – from The Captain and Rabbitbum. The Bob’s World editorial board take reader complaints very seriously.

You absolute clowns.

This is a picture of the complainants.

We are not going out for our pub lunch now. That’s the excess Chinese sorted then.

Wasabi Crisps! Blimey oh! Walkers make these now and tried some yesterday. They are great. If you have never had Wasabi, I suggest you go to a sushi place and ask for a large spoonful and eat it straight down. It is very tasty and mild like a gentle Japanese green korma.

Well I have had a gap of ten hours since my last ‘writing’.

Since then I took a solo trip down to The ‘Brook and enjoyed a few jars, which – combined with the left over Chinese takeaway – led to an unplanned nap. Then off to the buzzing metropolis that is Romiley. There to meet with the Viola Club Stockport cabal and The Bradford Cabbie. Curry and laughter. Well to be fair I was on soft drinks after lunch time until I had a classy G&T. What happens in Romiley stays in Romiley.

Tomorrow I return to my family, two and four-legged, who will be pining for me. I will bring them tales of exotic takeaways and beer, of trips to the library and the cornershop. I am like Bob Kerouac.

Caramac. That was well crap.

Sorry for the particularly low quality of this. I really couldn’t be bothered to undertake my normal thorough reseearch. I fact I have just misspelt research and even though it auto-corrected, just to be annoying I went back and amended it to the mistyped version. Sorry, verssion.