Real life struggles with severe mental health, Alcoholic abusive parents, battling with life on a daily basis. I would love to reach out share my story and hopefully help others that are going through this.
Join me on this journey to better health and wellbeing.

Monday, 1 April 2019

I'm in a dark place right now.

The past few days have been really tough, I can't concentrate on anything and my energy levels have plummeted.

My dreams have been really violent and scary again over the past week, why cant I have normal dreams?, why does it always have to be me hurting somebody or somebody stabbing or cutting me.
I always seem to be running away from something in my dreams and it makes me wonder what is bothering me in my waking life.

I don't want to eat and I still cant leave my flat, not even to get basic food essentials for myself. I just want to curl up in the corner and die.

I have so many things to look forward to this year and in theory I should be in a much better frame of mind...

NO, my brain does not want to allow that. My brain wants to crash again, shutting out the rest of the world and torment me night and day.

It's crazy how you can have so much around you but still feel so alone... I'm fucking sick of it. I am still battling with these constant mood changes, always so erratic and powerful. when I get angry and lose my temper, I really lose my temper and hate everyone and everything with a passion. It takes me so long to calm down and let, I sit for days thinking the situations over and over in my head.

It's time like this that I want to say " fuck it " and hit the bottle, wash all my problems away.. . "deal with this shit the way you always have Lee". The little devil of my past creeps back up and sits on my shoulder egging me on.

I know that giving in and getting pissed whilst in this frame of mind will make me self harm and take my thoughts to an even darker place. People will never know how hard it is to keep fighting these moods, unless you have actually been here... it's soul destroying.

I'm 39yrs of age and have recently relocated to South Wales for a fresh start. I have two grown sons and expecting a new baby in the new year.
I come from a very tough up bringing, absent drunk and violent dad and a mum that had some very serious issues with her own mental health. I will go into my past in detail later, it is very hard for me talk about.
After leaving the Army and as a result of my upbringing I struggled with my mental health and as a result I tried to take my own life on three occasions, I still self harm to this day. I was diagnosed with bipolar and a personality disorder at the end of last year which kind of explains why I have done and acted in some very mad ways.

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"Yep you guessed right, this is all about me".

I'm 39yrs of age and have recently relocated to South Wales for a fresh start. I have two grown sons and expecting a new baby in the new year.
I come from a very tough up bringing, absent drunk and violent dad and a mum that had some very serious issues with her own mental health. I will go into my past in detail later, it is very hard for me talk about.
After leaving the Army and as a result of my upbringing I struggled with my mental health and as a result I tried to take my own life on three occasions, I still self harm to this day. I was diagnosed with bipolar and a personality disorder at the end of last year which kind of explains why I have done and acted in some very mad ways.