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Saturday, March 28, 2009

Recent headlines about a certain sex crazed lawyer and all the perverseness she and her boyfriend got up to drew my attention to the subject of sex. As I explored this subject matter I discovered everybody have some kind of secret sexual fetish, some intriguing and others just bizarre and in certain cases even illegal. We all have sex (the lucky ones that is), but why are we ashamed of talking about it? Since when has admitting having sex become a taboo? Are we ashamed of our sexual behavior and desires?

My husband and I have visited the odd sex shop every now and again. Like most people we snuck in hoping no one that knows us will see us and prayed not to bump into anyone familiar. God forbid people should know that we have a healthy sex life and enjoy the odd spot of porn. Once inside the shop, we avoid eye contact with the patrons and head straight to the gay section; we try not to pay attention to what items other people are buying, while trying to find our choice of porn and/or sexual accessories. This shopping experience usually is a queer one as I, for one, doesn’t want to be perceived as being a sexual deviant or be judged for what erotic items I choose purchase. Yet that’s the way I feel when I get to the counter with my items. I know that the employees in these establishments have seen and heard everything before, but sometimes I wonder whether they really take notice of the customers and whether they do actually judge you based on your purchases. Are they sarcastic when they say “Enjoy or have fun” when you leave with your items or do they really mean it?

Apart from feeling insecure and self conscious in any sex shop, some people also make me feel awkward. They are the ones that you know have a dungeon in their basement with an assortment of whips, leather masks, chains and other unmentionables doing strange things to strange people. What makes it even more peculiar is the fact that they look normal and may even be your neighbor. I have never seen any person shop with self confidence in a sex shop apart from the S&M fans, and I know of very few people that will openly admit that they have been to one on more than one occasion. Most of us are shy, self conscious, nervous and cautious in sex shops and behave like little mousses that are aware that there maybe a cat lurking somewhere in a dark corner. That’s why these days I prefer to do my erotic shopping on-line and have it delivered to the post office in a very discreet package and receiving it from a blissfully unaware postal worker.

A few years ago our sex life was put on display. Our apartment was broken into and our secret sex life was discovered by unsuspecting robbers. They completely wrecked our bedroom and stole most of our electrical appliances. After invading our personal space, stealing our property and murdering our sense of security, they had the audacity to leave a sentiment of their disapproval of our life style. You see, they had discovered our porn collection and a few other items and in a little homophobic gesture decided to display our whole collection on our dining room table for the whole world to see. It was embarrassing and enraging at the same time, knowing that complete strangers went through your personal belongings and discovered and touched your sex accessories. If that wasn’t bad enough, they simultaneously broke into our neighbors’ apartment and did the same thing to them. I never would have thought they would have such a substantial collection of vibrators, dildos, porn and a pair of handcuff. So both our kinky sex lives were exposed, and the 4 of us blushed every time we bumped into each other after that day. They moved away a year later, and we were all very relieved. I have always wondered whether the robbers remember us and what they really thought of our sex lives.

When it comes to sex I have come to realize that human beings are very diverse in their desires and preferences. You get those of us that are into, what I think, normal to even adventurous sex and then you get the group of people that takes it to the next level of what can only be described as extreme sex. They are the ones with the seriously specialized fetishes. The sexual behavior that qualifies for Ripley’s believe it or not. Even the terminology is strange: Golden Showers, Fisting, Belgium Chocolate, Tea Bagging and Creaming just to mention a few. Some of the stuff is just plain nasty, unhygienic and can seriously alter your anatomy. I think it is bizarre that there are people who enjoy being peed and pooped on! However, I am not sure whether it’s fair to judge them, and neither can I attribute the pleasure they derive from it to a mental disorder. I guess if it makes them happy and gets them off and if they do not harm someone who does not consent to it, they should be left to explore their fetishes to their hearts desire. I just hope they take a real shower after and that none of them ends up my waiter or bartender when we go out!

Having sex and having desires are normal. We all have our sexual preferences, secret little sexual paraphernalia and sexual dislikes. I think because sex is such an intimate experience between people and the exploration of your sexual desires and fantasies show so much of your true self it makes most people uncomfortable to share it with strangers. Finding someone that is completely sexually compatible with you can also be a challenge on its own. In my opinion, I do not think we are ashamed of our sexual desires and behavior, but instead find it to be intensely personal and prefer keeping our most basic human instincts private. I am lucky to be married to a man with whom I can share my desires, explore new things and be open with, as he can be with me. Honest communication is the most important aspect in having and sustaining a healthy sex life in any couple’s relationship.

Till next time.

The Dildo Song (Not suitable for easily offended viewers)

This video is the work and copyright of Robert D Brooks (http://www.damnthe.com/video/ the_dildo_song_home.html)

Monday, March 23, 2009

Most of us have experienced bullying at some stage in our lives. Whether it was on the play ground, classroom, neighbourhood, social circle or in the office. You may even have been guilty of bullying yourself? I have seen and experienced bullying on many levels but the most recent form of bullying I found quite intriguing. I have come to realized that as we mature so does bullying and the nuances and techniques becomes more sophisticated. I have also pondered the motivation behind bully’s actions. Is their intention to emotionally hurt you, just shame you or is it about power?

My first experience with a bully was in high school. Even back then with the way I looked and sounded it took no rocket scientist to figure out I was gay. So it’s no surprise the School Jocks “bully radar” went crazy when I appeared within range. As bullying goes, it started off with a few derogatory words uttered behind my back, later evolving into insults and ended up with full scale altercations. Getting into a bitch fight with any gay man is never a good idea, but back then my tongue was not as lethal as it is now. My high school experiences with bullies sharpened my tongue to a formidable weapon. I made a choice back then, if being gay was the reason for the taunting I would take away the bully’s power and take ownership my identity. After coming out of the closet my “open secret” was confirmed and the bully no longer had sufficient ammunition to utilize or the power of certain words to insult me. Calling someone a “faggot” who admits to being one and is not ashamed of it takes all the fun out of bullying.

At university I was introduced to the world of the Social and Academic bullies. They were the ones who either came from very wealthy families or were the 3rd or 4th generation of surgeons and/or lawyers. This category of bully believed that they were superior to everyone else. They treated others like oxygen thieves, second class citizens and/or the help. They had their own special little code of conduct, social rules and aristocratic air about them. Their form of bullying consisted more about making others appear invisible and insignificant. They clearly distinguish between “old” and “new” money and many of them was riding on the coat tails of their families. We normal folk tended to avoid them at all costs as we would always be brutally reminded of our ordinariness and working class status. However, when our paths crossed the tension had the potential of escalating into a full on street fight not unlike those found in a bad musical. Their sense of superiority was nauseating and when ever they failed their exams most of us secretly giggled as we realized that good breading and wealth is no substitute for hard work and doesn’t guarantee intelligence or success.

Having experienced and dealt with many bullies in high school, university and later at worked I had become quite proficient in dealing with them effectively. So when I was attacked by a Cyber Bully on the internet last week I was taken a back. Cyber bullying has emerged as the newest tool in the bully’s arsenal. What makes Cyber Bullying even more interesting is the fact that the bully can choose to stay anonymous and the harassment can be multi-dimensional and multi-national. I have never experienced this form of bullying before, even though I was aware of its existence.Apparently my Cyber Bully is a man who has a very low opinion of my blog and a strong loathing for me as a person. If I recall correctly my blog was described by him in one post as idiotic and stupid (which I believe imply the same thing) and a total waste of bandwidth (which I found harsh). He decided to spread his opinions of me and my blog on the Internet (amongst other websites was Facebook). Living in a country where we respect freedom of expression I found myself with a conundrum: I cannot censor this person as he has the right to critique my blog if he feels the burning desire to do so; however, when he attacked me as a person I have the right to act. I must admit when I came across his fierce diatribes about me on a few Facebook groups I was shocked and a little bit angry. No I must not lie… actually I was pissed off as all hell!!! After the initial shock wore off, and calm returned to my world I decided to contact him. I drafted the most diplomatically letter I could muster that would make any United Nations representative proud. After the message was sent the hateful postings seized and I am still awaiting his response. Maybe he's busy creating a hate page for me as I type this. If so, I must admit it would be flattering in a very demented way.

Bullies can be annoying, make you feel bad about yourself and also invoke strong emotions. Whether you are targeted because you’re too thin, too fat, too gay, too tall, too short or whatever other obscure reasons bullies find to harass you, just remember they can only harm you if you give them the power to do so. I have learned that if you do not stand up for yourself, the bully retains all the power and that the majority of the time their urge to bully emanates form strong insecurities, jealousy and/or need to attain power to compensate for their own imperfections or sense of powerlessness. Yes, you will have an adverse emotional reaction with the initial onslaught as did I with my Cyber Bully, but take it from whom it comes, believe in yourself and respect yourself enough not to let it affect you. Never allow anyone to devalue who you are.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I live in a third world country with first world ambitions. And no, this realization didn’t just dawn on me, I am reminded of this everyday. Between potholes, endless road works, beggars, politics and crime, you have no choice but to accept the fact that if you live in Africa you are still behind most economies and the tall shiny sky scrapers and expanding highways only camouflage our poor standing.

Driving to work and home everyday can be treacherous, humorous and sometimes frustrating. In South Africa having your own transport is essential, as public transport is notoriously unreliable and can be fraught with danger. Anyone that has ever taken a taxi (and yes I have done so a few times in my youth) knows that once that tomb of death’s doors closes you are bound for a heart stopping roller-coaster ride. It may get you to your destination quicker but at the cost of accompanied reckless abandon of all traffic rules which could result in a high probability of death. Having your own transportation may not be better for your blood pressure either but statistically could increase your mortality rate, but it too does not guarantee your safety. You run the risk of being high jacked and mash and grabbed therefore most of us drive with the vigilant observation skills of an American Secret Service Agent. As if potholes, crime and general road accidents are not enough one also have to dodge beggars, pedestrians, cyclists and the odd goat, depending on where you drive.

Everyday I am amazed with the creativity the beggars in our country employ to soliciting money from us. Perfectly healthy men, woman and children with torn and dirty clothes with pseudo ailments and/or disabilities stands at virtually every traffic light, some clutching babies, others crying and all are sunburned. Some days I get the distinct impression that begging has turned into a form of street performance art: You have to have acting skills, be a good copy writer and be an expert in repetitive universally understandable gesturing. I love reading their boards, some are funny mostly due to their creative use of language, and I always feel blessed as most of their boards end with the words “God bless you”.

In just over a month we will have our national elections and it’s hardly going to be the Obama-McCain nail biter. In what other country, outside Africa that is, do you find some political parties bribing voters with food and being elected to the highest office in the country could require a prison rap sheet as prerequisite? Admittedly the majority of our political leaders were in prison as political prisoners but since democracy 15 years ago, I get the sense that the reminiscing sounds of steel doors slamming shut and keys locking cells are enticing a few of them back to prison. Corrupt government officials is by no means only secluded to third world countries, the USA and many other countries have had their fair share of scandals. The only difference is in Africa, I believe, there is no shame in it: If you don’t get caught it’s not viewed as being wrong and if you do not admit to it you’re not guilty. If all else fails you can always blame Apartheid as it was and is the root of all evil. I think most of us liberal South Africans are grateful that Apartheid ended, but the constant reminder of it is excessive. Roads and City names are being changed to unpronounceable indigenous names to erase the legacy of apartheid; it has gotten so bad that my GPS is struggling to keep up. Soon a road and city reference book will need to be published in order for the general public to translate the new names to the old ones just to know where the hell you now life. (As example: I use to live in Pretoria but the name has since been changed to Tshwane).

In Africa there is also no sense of urgency to complete tasks on time. This is fondly referred to as the “African Time Mentality”. In Africa people see no need to finish anything today that can possibly be left for tomorrow; things take as long as it’s going to take and never ask for a projected time frame as that too will take long to determine. Another curious African belief is that no Black or Arabian persons are gay, and that homosexuality is a European disease, brought to our shores by the Colonialists. Therefore, homophobia is still rife in most of our rural African communities and still illegal in many African countries. It is firmly believed that it’s a deviant choice individuals make and most gay people live their lives in fear of being discovered.

This all being said, South Africa may not be a first world country but we do have many first world qualities. We are proud people who take pride in our beautiful country, our rich tapestry of cultures and our heritage. We are also becoming the country of choice for tourists who bathe in amazement of the beauty of our landscapes, comforting climate and diversity of people. We have a first world constitution and are the first African country to legalize gay marriage. The basic human rights of all citizens, whether deserving or not, are protected. Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual and Transsexual people enjoy the same right as everyone else and “officially” discrimination based on sexual preference is prohibited (unless you are the religious right, but that is a whole other article). As a country we still have a long road ahead of us to achieve our ambition to enter the sphere of the elite economies. We face many challenges with our young democracy, sociological issues and crime. When ever I get discouraged by events in South Africa I always find solace in the fact that at least I don’t live in Zimbabwe under the reign of terror of Robert Mugabe!

Till next time.

Model for Me- Is Jer Ber Jones America's Next Top Model??by Austin Young

Thursday, March 5, 2009

One of my lesbian friends recently had some domestic drama. It included a love triangle, domestic violence, psychosis and lots of broken furniture. This is not uncommon as, in my experience, lesbians equals drama! Not being a lesbian myself off course, I sometimes struggle to understand them. Apart from the obvious anatomical difference between gay men and women, we also have some other fundamental difference when it comes to relationships, our behaviour and reactions which leave me with the question: Are Gay Men from Venus and Lesbians from Mars?The first fundamental difference, I have noticed, is our approach to relationships. Gay men are primarily driven by sex. We are motivated by sex (whether we want to admit it or not) and a relationship sometimes develop as a byproduct. Physical needs and attraction most times supersedes the emotional components required for a relationship during the initial stages of the gay male cortship ritual. Lesbians, on the other hand, seek an emotional bond first then companionship and then sex. I have also realized that most lesbians find emotional baggage sexy and emotional drama is their pornography of choice.

A lesbian couple can complete a full relationship cycle in a very short time span and their relationships can be categorized into 2 phases. Lesbians can fall in love, have a deep emotional bond, drift apart and then break up all in less than a month. This qualifies as phase 1 of a lesbian relationship. After a lesbian couple breaks up that is never the end of the story but always the beginning of the theatrics which constitutes phase 2. I have found that lesbian have a problem with letting go. It could be due to sentimentality or pure obsession. After a break up they always appear to have the queer response of wanting the other person back. They react like predators in the wild focused on achieving their goal and always seem to loose sight of the reasons the relationship ended in the first place. Many times they end up back in the toxic waste land they previously found themselves and get stuck in a meaningless orbit until the next emotional magnet with bagage pulls them into a new one. The second fundamental difference is our approaches to the roles we are assigned in our relationships. Gay men can be divided into butch or femme and a bottom or a top. Being butch or femme does not necessarily predetermine your sexual role when it comes to gay men. Gay men are also less strict on adhering to these roles in our relationships, as for the most part gay relationships are viewed as equal partnerships with the traditional gender assigned functions divided between the two men. In lesbian relationships the butch-femme roles however is strictly divined and adhered too. Not being familiar with lesbian sex, I am not sure whether they have a “top” or a “bottom”. Finding two butch lesbians in a relationship is as scarce as the dodo. However, I have seen two femme lesbians together, but that is rare too. Furthermore the unwritten rules and intricacies in the lesbian community and their relationships are worse than that enforced at formal diplomatic functions. One lapse of protocol or ungracious transgression of etiquette could culminate with you waking up on the floor surrounded by pieces of broken bear bottles, which leads me to my next fundamental difference - violence!

Some lesbians can be violent and volatile. In all the gay bars and clubs I have ever been, you can always tell which toilets are frequented by our butch sisters - it’s the ones with the broken mirrors. I don’t know why lesbians don’t like mirrors but when ever they get angry it’s always the mirrors or the doors that suffers their rage. Gay men rarely resort to physical violence to vent our anger or to resolve problems, we prefer using words - we’d rather be bitchy than brutal. When a lesbian gets angry and she is at your house be sure that grandma’s porcelain and china is well hidden. The fundamental difference here is that lesbian’s gets destructive when their tempers flare up. I’ve seen them break things, scratch things, beat things and each other and even the odd spot of arson. Maybe it’s because gay men are more rational when it comes to dealing with our anger and lesbians tends to be more impulsive, but never the less when an angry lesbian storms my way I tend to get out of her way. It really is true that hell has no fury like a woman scorned, but who ever said that clearly never had any dealings with a lesbian with a broken heart and a vindictive mind. The last fundamental difference, I would like to highlight, is the total lack and disregard for fashion of lesbians. Why do most lesbians insist on looking like lumberjacks? Lesbians outfit of choice appears to be a pair of pants (usually jeans), a T-shirt or flannel shirt and shoes or boots with platforms that could make any engineer stare with envy. God forbid you’ll ever find one in a dress wearing a proper bra! That being said I have seen many lesbians in very fashionable pant suits but they are in the minority. I am not sure whether lesbians do not care how they present themselves or rather just opt for comfort over fashion, but they have a distinct lack of fashion that appears to have become a long lived tradition. Whether it is short hair for the more butch lesbians and long hair for the more femme, please take a tip from your gay brothers and embrace current fashion trends.

It has been hypothesised that gay men have more inherited feminine qualities (Venus) and lesbians more of the masculine (Mars), hence the differences in our approache in dealing with a variety of issues. At times it can appear as if we hail from different planets and that our orbits intercept intermediately. No matter our differences, we are still part of the same diverse community and family under the same fabulous rainbow. Even though I do not always understand my lesbian sisters it sure is fun to have them around, even though some of them scare the hell out of me!

Gaellou Greenwood is an brilliant up-and-coming singer and songwriter. She wrote the song " Preacher Man " out of frustra...

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