On a Positive Note: One Man’s Musical Response to HIV

February 24, 2017

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Album Art by Josh Garosha

I love Miley Cyrus’s “The Climb,” so sue me. In 2011, two years after the song came out, I had just survived my second brush with death and I was recuperating in my hometown in Bacolod. Not only was I 30 pounds thinner, but I could barely walk or see. Still, between daily vomiting spells, I was gradually recovering. To make bedrest tolerable, I would work on my poetry and listen to music. “The Climb”was one of these songs. Immediately, its lyrics became charged with meaning. Though I didn’t know all the words, I began to sing along, even rush to the nearest videoke joint and belt my lungs out to it. I began to cry because I felt like every line in the song was written for me, a person living with HIV.

Since then, I’ve been on the lookout for songs that can speak to my HIV experience. Of course, these aren’t just Googled or recommended by Spotify, they are found. You find yourself passively listening to a song and before you know it, the words hit you and you realize it’s your story they’re singing about.

The next song I discovered was “You Haven’t Seen the Last of Me” by Cher. I saw Burlesque through a decent download, and while I didn’t care much for the movie, Cher wound up singing a song that instantaneously struck me.

From the song written by hitmaker Diane Warren:

There will be no fade outThis is not the endI’m down nowBut I’ll be standing tall againTimes are hard butI was built toughI’m gonna show you all what I’m made of

That’s the thing with the HIV playlist. It’s not about bitterness or anger. It’s not about love—unless it’s a love song to yourself—and it’s not a song that pleads or begs. In fact, it’s about proving people wrong, about persevering, about overcoming obstacles. Almost always, it comes from a place of strength.

Art by Josh Garosha

HIV does not define you or change you. That’s why, when I heard Lea Salonga singing “Defying Gravity” live on YouTube, the song took on new meaning for me and I immediately added it to my playlist.

The last song that I found on my own was “Redeemed” by Charlotte Martin. I’ve been listening to this song long before I was diagnosed. It wasn’t until I was singing along to it recently that I found its message about accepting one’s past in order to move forward necessary for my own process of healing. It was “Redeemed” that allowed me to forgive myself.

When a friend of mine found out that I was forming an HIV playlist, he told me that I should complete it and share it with others. At first I was hesitant at first. I wasn’t sure if I had the musical know-how to gather songs that worked together, especially since all the songs I assembled are from different genres and periods.

What holds them together, however, is the message. These are songs about about acceptance. Some are about defiance. Most are about healing. Whatever your preferred genre, I hope you’ll find in each one a bridge that helps you find your own voice again. The songs “Never Get Old” and “Unwritten” celebrate the limitless potential we still have, which we sometimes forget. How Far I’ll Go from Moana uses the sea as a metaphor for the boundless future that should still be available to us who are living with the virus. We should still be able to see our lives as something that is full of possibility. We should not be denied our chance to wander and wonder.

And the only song that actually acknowledges the other, David Bowie’s “Heroes,” is more a song you sing to your reflection in the mirror, telling yourself that heroism is something anyone can achieve no matter their status.

Do with it what you will. Change the sequence to suit your mood. All the songs are available on Spotify except for Lea’s “Defying Gravity.” If you have to, you could use the Idina Mendzel version but there’s nothing like Lea Salonga ripping the heavens open to that song live in concert (while pregnant). “Dark Road” is best followed up by “Redeemed” because the first song reveals your history and the second song accepts it, helping you move forward from it.

Wanggo Gallaga is the head writer of No Filter, a play and book about Filipino millennials. He is also a co-writer of the gay web series Hanging Out. Since his HIV diagnosis in 2008, he has been an advocate for awareness.

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About Team

TEAM tackles how gay Filipino men relate their identity, from fuckups to fantasies, to where to go for music you can actually dance to. We may not have proper rights in our country but we’re claiming some authority by getting our words and ideas on page. And though we lack public places to convene, an open publication (and wide-open digital space) is a good place to start.