Saturday, October 20, 2012

in green places

every day i can i go out into nature and let myself take in the wide view of things and then narrow in...find the smallest thing and be with it...i am this small thing in this great forest of life...

and when i do this i have a level of surrender i do not experience even in the best meditative states...the oneness of my being with everything takes hold as easily as slipping a hand in a glove...i fit into the order and the harmony of nature...yet in the world of cars and concrete i find disharmony and disorder...yet there is where i must "fit" as well...

i have struggled with fitting...for years i let the world of chaos in...i let other peoples confusion into me, i let the nonsense of anger and dislikes stir in me a cauldron as well...wrong actions polluted me...ego snatched up as many acres of my inner world as it could...i became twisted and unhappy...i lost so much of the greenness of my youth...

yet in a far off corner of my inner world green things still grew...and they would call to me...come colleen...come here to the altar of love...kneel...surrender...humble yourself...grow the green years back...

the small corner would call but i would shut it out...to go there would mean to be vulnerable...it then would mean an outward change...letting others see my wounds...it would mean trusting...it would mean opening the shut gates of my heart...

yet the green corner would not be killed off...it stayed and patiently called to me...and slowly i moved towards it...and at last i let go and touched the green...and there was where my healing truly began...in the moment of surrender...

this year the green is overtaking all those dark parts...all those lonely acres of ego...what was barren is now thick with flowers and songbirds and cool springs of water...there are paths i walk inside of me which lead me to a comforting nest or a mound of moss...a gentle brook to sit by or a cave to curl up and sleep...i have trees to climb and berries to pick...i have animals to walk with and the sky to watch in her endless dance of change...i have a home...within...

and as i rebuilt my home within i started rebuilding my life on the outside...speaking up for myself...standing up for myself...removing the oppression of depression from my heart...activating my rational mind...letting my calm spirit lead my way...taming the wild parts of ego...lifting up my heart to meet my souls rhythm once again...in step with the rightness of actions and moving away from the wrongness of actions...seeing the missteps of my past and choosing a different path...

i ended up in the hospital this summer...and it was one of those moments in life that makes you look at your life and what the heck you have been doing to deny yourself happiness...i was in a hospital bed so vulnerable and exposed...run down...in pain...being pumped full of antibiotics which were making me sick...and at one point i looked out the window and saw the beautiful ash tree keeping me company...i remembered another hospital room three years before...my friend karens ICU room...no tree for that treewoman to look at...my heart sank at this...and then her voice in a memory of those horrible days reached out to me...in her fading voice she said "i see green everywhere"...i remember my response "yes...i know...isnt it beautiful"...and i remember her soft smile and her head settling back onto the pillow...

and in my hospital room...just at that very moment the sun shot through the tree and green was everywhere...karen was smiling in on me...and i have felt the green...it has been growing and growing in me...transforming me...healing me...opening my heart...

i am transforming...spiritually mutating...becoming a different person than i was before...smiling even at the thought of wishing to "fit in"...i am in...i belong to everything...it was never about fitting in...it was about something else...

it was about being uncomfortable with the lack of green...in myself and others...and in this shortage comes the suffering...and what is the green after all but love...

i saw this at play recently...the lack of greenness with the rising river of anger and resentment...in myself and others...i felt my own greenness receding...i saw others in a rushing flood of resentment and anger and i simply did not allow it to drown me...and as i was sitting there hearing their voices and feeling the force of their words i simply and lovingly kept to the green path of my own world of love...those hours were hurtful in a human heartfelt way but i felt the rise of spirit and the beauty of love transform every moment...

afterwards i have been processing and seeing the love of it...the goodness of beings and letting go of the ego...it is hard...the old me wants to react...wants to run away infact...wants to self punish...take in the harsh words and hurt myself with them...wants to destroy my greenness...but...ahhhhhh...that shift is happening...i have reached that inner tipping point i hope the world will reach...i am on the side of light and peace and love...i am not going to be in peoples dysfunctions with them...or let their dysfunctions ooze all over me...i dont want to be cheated any more...i want their goodness around me...their peacefulness...i deserve it and the world needs it...i deserve loving kindness and to be around others as they are kind and loving...

when the dalai lama speaks it is as if a river of peace flows...i want to be a river of peace flowing...connecting with other rivers...to fill the ocean of the world with peace...to fill every heart with peace...this morning i am learning and becoming...a small spring flowing is learning to be a river...