The Final Quest

We all have them. Bad days, bad weeks, even bad months…when it feels like we are living under a dark cloud of depression. All circumstances seem to agree with the discouraging thoughts inside our heads. Yet if we know Jesus, we understand that this is not the abundant life that Jesus promised. We realize something is wrong, but exactly what and how to fix it is a little fuzzy. Fuzzy because the vultures are circling overhead, creating a dark atmosphere that blocks out the light of the Son.

How can we live a life without those pesky vultures bothering us?

For me, they speak a language that I readily understand. A language of condemnation, self-doubt, and self-pity. Whenever I fall short (which is every day), my perfectionist nature can hear the toxic voices of the vultures. I agree all too often and lose sight of God’s truth. How do I stay out of their reach?

The book, The Final Quest offers a clue. In Rick Joyner’s vision, he was fighting in the Lord’s Army. He saw many Christians in the enemy’s camp being held captive by weak little demons of fear and being oppressed by the vultures of depression. They could have easily fought off these puny creatures with their glorious swords, but chose not to.

Even the Christians who were not prisoners but were mighty warriors on the mountain of the Lord, were still vulnerable to the vultures. If they drifted too close to the edge, they could slip on the condemnation vomited on the rocky cliffs by the vultures. Once they had fallen off the mountain, they were easily carried off by the enemy. Rick avoided this fate by spending his free time driving his sword (the Word of God) deep into the side of the mountain and tying himself to it. He finally climbed to a level that was above the reach of the vultures. This level was called, “Galatians Two Twenty.”

“…and it is no longer I who live, but it is Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (NRSV)

This scripture speaks of a life I have not yet learned how to live, but I want to. I want to climb up that level where I dwell in the reality, “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me.”

My life is no longer about me. My life is about Jesus! No one (not even myself) has any grounds to judge me. My value doesn’t come from being good, or perfect, or hard-working, or talented. My value comes from the value God puts on me. He knew me before the world began. He made me. He knows who I am in the depths of my being. He knows who I will become. He knows that His word is powerful to enable me to do anything He tells me to do. He knows His finished work in me. He says that I am worth His Son – His Life, His Death, His Resurrection.

It is no longer about me!

It is Christ living in me!

My past mistakes – Jesus has signed his name to those and claimed them as His own.

My victories – I win them in His power.

My weaknesses – He is turning them into strengths.

My Strengths – It is His likeness in me.

My embarrassments…

My insecurities…

My shame – They no longer apply to me!

My condemnation – I say to those vultures, “Take it up with Jesus! This life belongs to Him!”

It is not I who live but Christ who lives in me!

When I start to get discouraged, when I tumble down the slippery slope to depression, I am focusing on myself.

My failures

My faults

Why I am to blame for all the imperfect circumstances.

Why other people don’t like me.

How I could never become the person God wants me to be.

Why all His goodness doesn’t apply to Me!

I AM SO TIRED OF FOCUSING ON ME!!!!

Even Bill Johnson said that no one comes out of a time of deep introspection encouraged. There are times that the Holy Spirit will lead us to look into our past or look into our hearts, and shine His Light and Love on whatever we find there. But looking inward all the time with our own understanding makes our world smaller and smaller, darker and darker.

“Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life.” Romans 8:6 (MSG)

I want that spacious, free life! I want to soar above the circumstances, soar above the vultures. I want to mount up on wings like an eagle and rise above the grey clouds, to see the sun paint glorious colors on the sky.

When I am being bothered by those vultures and thinking all sorts of disparaging thoughts about myself…

I turn my gaze to Jesus! I start to worship Him for all of His excellent attributes. I rehearse all of His goodness to me. I see how beautiful and powerful He is. I give Him His job back, being the King of the Universe. My burdens become light. He becomes so big. My problems become so small. I lift my arms in surrender and I feel faith arise within me.

I feel my wings unfold. I feel the wind of His presence lift me high. High above the vultures. High above everything…

Like this:

“Instead of emphasizing our inability or our weakness in hearing God’s voice, it would be wiser for us to emphasize His ability to be heard.”

I just experienced God’s amazing ability to be heard despite my reluctance to listen.

The Hawk

I was just minutes from home, returning from a trip to the farm. Calvin and I were enjoying the peaceful Saturday drive while listening to Revelations on CD.

“WHACK!!!!!”

Suddenly a huge bird slammed into the corner of my windshield with such force, I thought that certainly it must have killed itself. I saw it only for a split second before it fell and disappeared, but it looked like a hawk.

I felt shaken. I felt sad and guilty and wondered why this had happened. You see, I had been searching the landscape for hawks lately. I longed to catch sight of this bird of prey, hoping to unlock some mystery. Now I had just encountered a hawk much closer than I ever expected, and it wasn’t a good experience. Just a moment after the sickening, “WHACK!”, a voice on the CD said…”I saw an eagle flying overhead…” (Revelation 8:13)

It had all started over a year ago when I remembered that God had told me that I was an eagle and I was to raise my children as eagles. I wrote an article about it. My interest in eagles became an obsession as this majestic bird kept showing up in my God encounters. (See my some of my other articles, The Sky and the Ocean, Maleficent .)

I was never much of a bird watcher, but lately I had been watching the skies constantly, trying to spot an eagle. Whenever I took a drive in the country, I would see huge, dark birds. They looked so beautiful and so free, soaring high above me.

Chris was with me one day when I spotted some of my “eagles.” I was so excited to show him.

“Those are buzzards. You know, turkey vultures,” he informed me.

“What! How can you tell? They are so far away?” I said. I was so disappointed! Had I really been looking to the vulture for spiritual inspiration?

“Trust me, those are buzzards!”

“But I want to see an eagle! How will I know when I see one?” I wondered.

“I don’t think eagles circle like that, and they are usually alone. They don’t spend as much time in the sky circling like the vulture does. Like the hawk I saw today, sitting in a tree. ” Chris answered.

Google had told me that there were two eagles that lived in Pennsylvania, the Bald Eagle and the Golden Eagle, but they didn’t seem very common. I decided that spotting a hawk was a much more realistic expectation. I could learn what I needed to know from the hawk, which was very much like the eagle, just smaller, I reasoned.

I concluded that I would look for a hawk from now on. They were smaller and lighter colored, such as the Cooper’s Hawk or the Red Tailed Hawk that Cadin had seen close to our home. I wouldn’t get them confused with a buzzard.

I told Chris about my violent hawk sighting. He said jokingly, “God is trying to tell you something. He wants you to get the message so badly, that He had to smack that poor bird into your van!”

Perhaps God wanted to discourage me from looking to the hawk. He had spoken to me about an eagle. He had told me that I was supposed to be an eagle. Perhaps I should believe that He would show me a real eagle.

Immediately my mind reeled.

“How ridiculous! There probably aren’t any eagles living around here! Even if there were, how could I see them up in a tree somewhere. If they were flying, how could I ever tell them apart from the vulture…and I don’t want to make that embarrassing mistake again.”

The fear of disappointment came to me with such force when I even considered believing God for a real eagle sighting. The many disappointments of the past few years had conditioned that response.

The thought that I was destined to actually BE an eagle – lifted by God’s presence, seeing from a higher perspective, speaking with a prophetic voice – seemed even more farfetched and foolish to me. Me, the one who had been admiring the VULTURE, for goodness sake. All my recent shortcoming flooded my mind. I didn’t feel at all like the person I was meant to be. I didn’t feel like I would ever learn to fly.

There it was! The point God was trying to get across! I had given up on being an eagle because it seemed impossible. I had downgraded my vision to the hawk.

Then He began to show me that my thoughts and attitudes recently had been very self-loathing, full of my own failures and weaknesses. I was reminded of a conversation I had with Chris just a week before. I had been investigating avenues for publishing my first book. It seemed that every possibility turned into a dead end. The only option I found was to pay what I considered to be an exorbitant sum for assisted publishing. And what if we spent all that money (which we didn’t have) to publish my book and no one bought it? I was afraid to even ask friends to look over my manuscript and give feedback. What if they thought it was too long and too boring?

Chris couldn’t understand my fears.

“Do you believe in your writing? Do you think God Gave it to you? Do you think He will use it to impact other people? You have to believe in it. The way you are talking, you sound like the vultures in Rick Joyner’s vision.” Chris said.

The Vulture

I was very familiar with this vision from the book, The Final Quest. It meant a lot to me because I used to be a prisoner in that camp of fear. I used to have those vultures of depression vomiting their condemnation all over me on a regular basis. But I had found the freedom to live in the love and joy of the Kingdom of God…or so I thought.

Chris continued, “It sounds like you are speaking the words of the vultures, vomiting lies all over yourself and your writing. You need to stop!” Chris sounded mad. At the time I felt that he just didn’t understand, that my insecurity and fear were justified.

Yet now, I was realizing that I had been living under this cloud of depression, thinking that it was normal. God brought to my mind another bird sighting that had happened back in November. God had stretched me beyond what I thought I was capable of, and I felt my authority increasing. I had prayed crazy, unrealistic prayers. I had received unbelievable answers to those prayers. An amazing victory had been won! I felt elated! Still on an emotional high, I began to read a prophetic word posted on Facebook by Veronika West. In essence it said:

The enemy had endured a devastating wound, but we should be on guard because a backlash was coming. The enemy wasn’t going down without a fight.

As I pondered what that meant, I looked out the kitchen window and saw a huge vulture sitting on the roof of the church right across the street. It was looking straight at me, and it gave me the creeps. Perhaps it was a physical manifestation of an evil spirit, so I prayed that God would hide me, and I told it to leave. I saw the dark bird take flight, circle the church steeple, and fly away. I had never seen a vulture in my neighborhood before that day, and I have not seen one since.

Now God was reminding me of the incident. The light bulb went on in my head.

My Good Father allowed me to see the strategy of the enemy against me.

The enemy knew that if I would submit to fear and allow those vultures to vomit their lies on me, I would live under that cloud of depression. I wouldn’t be able to see clearly. I wouldn’t trust God to flow through me. I wouldn’t believe in Him or believe in myself. I wouldn’t be able to take flight and become an eagle.

“Forgive me for thinking the lies are more realistic than the words you have given me,” I prayed.

The Eagle

As God began to shine His light on these things, I decided to take the risk to believe again. I began to ask Him to let me see an eagle, a real live eagle. I wanted to see one close enough so I wouldn’t mistake it for a vulture.

I also began to ask Him to make ME into an eagle, as unrealistic as that seemed. The dark cloud began to lift and I began to hope again.

While all of this was taking place in my heart, I was hard at work planning a family vacation. The first three days in October we would be staying in a cabin up north, enjoying the outdoors. It had been three years since we had been able to get away. This was so special, so important for our family, that I wanted everything to be perfect. I began to worry.

“What if I put in all this effort to plan and pack, and it is all for nothing?”

A thousand little details began to transform into a thousand things that could go wrong. The fear of disappointment reared its ugly head again. I began to think back to the last time I had tried to plan a family vacation, the last time I had prayed that God would give us a family vacation. It was two years ago. We had just endured 4 years of the toil and stress of business ownership. We faced the heartbreak of having to close our business. We were in the process of selling our sign shop. I was praying for enough money to break even, and just a little extra to take the family camping for a week. A week to reconnect and to heal.

My heart’s desire was deferred. The sale fell through. Bills, debts, and bankruptcy ensued…but no family vacation. Why did I think that it would work out for us this time?

“I am doing it again! I will not live under that cloud of fear and lies! I need to believe that my Good Father is working everything out for us. I need to just trust Him! This will be a wonderful vacation! It will be a blessing to each child and bring us all closer together,” I thought to myself.

My faith began to rise again. I watched my Good Father work out every detail. He gave us a cabin to stay in for free! He worked out the schedules of all the children and gave us everything that we needed.

I was getting the feeling that my Father was orchestrating this vacation to be a redemption of the one that we had lost. I was beginning to expect Him to speak to me in wonderful ways while we were away.

“And perhaps I will even see an eagle!” I began to think.

To Be Continued…

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I never considered it a sacrifice to be a mother. I have always thought it was a privilege and the most amazing calling. It is powerful and world-changing to be a mother, to grow and nourish the next generation.

Yet, now that I have been a mother for 17 years, I am getting a bit weary. I have realized that I really don’t have my own life. My days are filled with the needs of my husband and children. I find myself daydreaming about what it would be like to be alone in the house with nothing to do except exactly what I WANTED to do.

Most of the time, I enjoy being at home with my children. It is my favorite place to be. I just assumed that it was my children’s favorite place to be as well. One night Chris was working late and I was sitting at the dinner table with all of my nine children. A peaceful meal is so refreshing to the soul; enjoying the smells and flavors, exchanging stimulating conversation.

A meal is never a peaceful affair at my house. That night the children were all so loud, I couldn’t follow any one conversation. Several of the boys were discussing topics not appropriate for the table. The three-year old kept getting up and wandering around, and the 6-year-old kept standing up on the bench. In an attempt to regain control, I lifted my voice and shouted above the noise, “Everyone be quiet! We are going around the table and I want each one of you to tell me your favorite part of the day. The rest of you just listen!”

The chaos quieted to a dull roar, and the children shared with me what they most enjoyed about their day. The elementary school boys all enjoyed playing kickball at recess. Cadin, who is fifteen, just started Cyber School after being homeschooled. He had to go take the PSSAs for the first time. He had never had to sit for 7 hours in a classroom before, and I thought he would hate it. Yet, when it was his turn to share, Cadin said, “My favorite part of the day was taking the PSSAs.”

“Really?! Why is that?” I asked.

“Because I didn’t have to be at home,” he answered.

“You don’t like being at home?” I asked, feeling very hurt.

“Well,” Cadin started with an apologetic voice, “I got to get a break and I didn’t have to do any chores.”

“I understand how he feels,” said Areli, my 17-year-old daughter. “My favorite part of the day is when I do school, alone in my room.”

Now the small ache in my heart was growing. “Well, I never actually get to be alone,” I said. “Except maybe when I am in the bathroom.”

“You do get a nap every day,” Areli countered.

“That is true, and I so appreciate that nap! But I am still not alone. I have to share the room with the baby and wake up when she wakes up. I am really never alone.” I said.

Cole, the 15-year-old cynic, chimed in, “That’s your own fault for having so many children. You and Dad went a little crazy,” he pointed out.

I felt the wind go out of my sails. My own children didn’t even appreciate my willingness to carry them, give birth to them; give up sleep and privacy and alone time for them. They couldn’t see the purpose in this crazy, loud, mess that is the Brandenburg household. Sometimes I lose sight of it too.

When I look down the corridors of history, I don’t see the stories full of mothers heroically laying their lives down for their children. I see men who fight battles, conquer, and enslave. I see men who fight battles, conquer, and set free. I see stories of kings and rulers.

When I turn on the TV, I don’t see news stories about the amazing mom who changed 24 diapers in the last 24 hours with only 3 hours of sleep the night before. I see lawmakers and lawbreakers, politicians and rebels.

When I watch an awards show, I never see a mom who looks like me get up on stage and accept a prestigious award for her amazing ability to check items off a to do list and keep 9 children clothed and feed. That is for the talented artists who receive the praise of millions of adoring fans.

What I thought was my little fan club was now telling me that they would rather be out of the house or alone instead of spending time with me.

I turned to a book that always helps me gain an eternal perspective, The Final Quest by Rick Joyner. He shares a prophetic experience he had when he was in the throne room of heaven. He started in the very back of the room. On his long walk to the front where the Lord was, he passed crowds of believers who had already died. The multitudes standing at the back were more glorious than Rick had imagined people could ever be. He was shocked to find out that these were in the very lowest rank in heaven.

One man he had known on earth explained it to him this way, “There is an aristocracy of sorts here. The rewards for our earthly lives are the eternal positions that we will have forever. This great multitude are those whom the Lord called ‘foolish virgins.’ We knew the Lord and trusted in His cross for salvation, but we lived for ourselves more than we really lived for him…there is no greater folly than to know the great salvation of God, but then go on living for yourself.”

This man was still more glorious and full of joy and peace than Rick had ever imagined possible. It was simply because even a moment in the lowest part of heaven is much greater than a thousand years in the highest life on earth, and every person there had received so much more than they actually deserved. As Rick moved toward the throne, he learned from the mistakes of those in the lowest ranks, and discovered that those same mistakes resided in his own life.

A great Christian leader during his life on earth told him, “What looks good on earth looks very different here. What will make you a king on earth will often be a stumbling block to keep you from being a king here. What will make you a king here is lowly and unclaimed on earth.”

Later, a famous reformer stepped forward and Rick couldn’t believe that he was in the lowest rank. The reformer told him, “God does have a different set of history books than those on the earth. You have had a glimpse of this but you do not yet know how different they are. Earthly histories will pass away, but the books that are kept here will last forever. If you can rejoice in what heaven is recording about your life, you are blessed indeed.”

Then the reformer gave Rick some advice, “The high calling is not out of reach for anyone that the Lord has called. I will tell you what will keep you on the path of life – love the Savior and seek His glory alone. Everything you do to exalt yourself will one day bring you the most terrible humiliation. Everything you do out of genuine love for the Savior, to glorify His name, will extend the limits of His eternal kingdom and ultimately result in a much higher place for yourself. Live for what is recorded here. Care nothing for what is recorded on earth.”

As Rick continued walking towards the glory of Jesus, he saw that each rank was many times greater than the previous one. He described it like this, “When I was still not even halfway to the throne, what had been the indescribable glory of the first rank now seemed to be outer darkness in comparison to the glory of those I was now passing. The greatest beauty on earth would not qualify to be found anywhere in heaven. And I was told that this room was just the threshold of indescribable realms of glory!”

Rick learned from those who had fallen short of their destinies and also learned from those who had overcome and remained faithful to Jesus. “Those who stumbled did so in many different ways. But those who prevailed all did it the same way: They did not deviate from their devotion to the first and greatest commandment – loving the Lord. In this way, their service was done unto Him, not to men. These were the ones who worshipped the Lamb and followed him wherever He went.”

Finally after what seemed like years of traveling, Rick reached the throne. “Near the judgement seat of Christ, those in the highest ranks were sitting on thrones that were all a part of His throne. Even the least of these thrones was many times more glorious than any earthly throne. Some of those on the thrones were rulers over cities on earth and would soon take their places. Others were rulers over the affairs of heaven, and still others ruled over the affairs of the physical creation, such as star systems and galaxies.

“It was apparent that those who were given authority over cities were esteemed even above those who had been given authority over galaxies. The value OF A SINGLE CHILD (emphasis added) surpassed that of a galaxy of stars because the Lord has chosen men as His eternal dwelling place…

“At one point the Lord looked toward the galleries of thrones around Him. Many were occupied, but many were empty. He then said, ‘These thrones are for the overcomers who have served Me faithfully in every generation. My Father and I prepared them before the foundation of the world. Are you worthy to sit on one of these?’

“…I looked at those who were now seated on the thrones. I could recognize most of those seated had not even been well-known on earth.

“Many of those on the thrones had been missionaries who expended their lives in obscurity. They had never cared to be remembered on earth, but wanted only to be remembered by Him. I was a bit surprised to see some who had been wealthy, and rulers who had been faithful with what they had been given. However, it seemed that faithful, praying women and mothers occupied more thrones than any other single group.”

I have read this passage many times and every time my eyes flood with tears and my heart swells like it will burst! My Lord has so honored mothers that many sit with him on the highest thrones in heaven! My Lord so honors mothers that he allowed Rick Joyner to write down the revelation so that we could read it and be encouraged.

Mothers, let’s receive His grace to walk this path like eternity depends on it. Jesus gave Rick this wisdom, “Those empty seats could have been filled in any generation. I gave the invitation to sit here to everyone who has called upon My name. The seats are still available. Now the last battle has come, and many who are last shall be first. These seats will be filled before the battle is over. Those who sit here will be known by two things: They will wear the mantle of humility, and they will have my likeness.”

I am right where God wants me to be. I am in the perfect place to love Him and to serve Him. I don’t need to be famous or acclaimed or recognized or talented. I just need to be who He has made me to be.

I don’t need the world to understand the importance of what I am doing. I don’t even need my children to understand and appreciate me. I know that Jesus understands and he sees.

I don’t feel at all able to walk this path perfectly. I am full of selfishness and I get off track so easily. I realize that I can’t even do the basics, loving my husband and children, on my own. I need His great grace! But I am in the perfect place to receive His Grace…every…single…day!