I hate smoking as a habit. I see people smoke all the time. I hate it when it blows into my face, I hate the smell of it, I hate stepping on cigarette butts all the time, and I hate that my sister still smokes despite attempts to quit. It's a disgusting habit. My grandpa smoked for years, and quit in the 1980's. He died of lung cancer last year, despite not having smoked for 25 years. My sister still smokes anyway, despite her practically breaking down over his decline and his death. Smoking looks cool and/or sexy in the movies, but it's gross-looking in real life.

Cocaine and I would become friends WAY too fast. For the sake of sanity, I stay as far away from it as possible. And all opiates. I could see heroin getting out of hand for me, too. I have a really hard time just staying far away if there's a tylenol with codeine around (and I know very well how absolutely deadly tylenol is, too).

Ever since I quit smoking I've been guarded about the opportunity to smoke as much as possible. I've never let myself even get close enough to a situation where someone would offer me a cigarette, because I know that if I do I will go from being smoke free for over a decade to a-large-pack-a-day smoker, as if I never, ever stopped.

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May suitable doses of guaranteed sensual pleasure and slow, long-lasting enjoyment preserve us from the contagion of the multitude who mistake frenzy for efficiency.

I feel kinda the same, gb. I still like a lot of my friends, but, I feel like there are just walls of frantic ambition and grasping for power and manipulating up. And I am sick of everybody kissing up to the wealthiest and/or most aggressive people, while their cascades of flattery are very suspect.

I feel like everything I say and do, someone has to judge it or contradict it or one-up it. For god fuckings sake yo, give it a rest!!

and I'm really supposed to believe I'm a piece of crap, and I'm really supposed to spend my life being submissive and one big nothing, apparently.

And i don't want what they have, I don't want to take their "stuff" away, I don't hate them for having it, I just want to be who I am and have what I have and be able to relax and have fun.

What is so wrong with FUN, dammit? I'm all wrapped up in writing/singing/art/computers/media/publshing etc and it is damn hard, cold, dry, stiff, when it could just be fun like taffy.

Heart and Soul and Thinking and Feeling and Perceiving are all *free* so why do people act like they are hard to get? You have to be almost a god so you can wiggle in a almost a worm.

I know it's only rock 'n' roll. But I like it.
Posts: 7,808
From: a riverbank in BC, Canada

Cocaine scares me. I don't remember what exactly my mother told me, but somehow she convinced me that if I ever tried it (or heroin), I would become painfully addicted right away, and that it would kill me sooner or later - probably sooner.

I've never tried any hard drugs (unless you count tequila); I never had an interest in them. I'm all for the pot, though. With mama's approval.

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Check out my band's new demo online! You can DL my original....and please fan up if ya like it!

I experimented a lot with drugs when I was younger. Luckily, I don't have an addictive personality so I was able to try whatever I wanted, without any lasting consequences. I'd suggest staying away from coke and trying things such as weed and mushrooms. They are much better high, and seem to relax you while opening the mind.

I confess I miss my drugs.

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-We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different.

I get jealous of others' success too. I get jealous of girls who get acting jobs through good looks and connections in the movie business, like Maggie Gyllenhaal and Zooey Deschanel. Or girls who work as models and travel around the world to places I would need plenty of cash to get to and stay in, and who just glide around on looking fabolous and stylish. I always wanted to be stylish and be a celebrity for looking cool and having friends in the fashion and film world, like Chloe Sevigny. Or be as effortless as Kate Moss. Being a writer with assorted clips and working in the editorial department of a magazine doesn't seem as exciting as being a stylish sexy starfucker.

I'm sick of feeling competitive and jealous with other authors I know. I read my author friends' blogs and wonder if I sound as insufferably pleased with myself as they do. I envy other people's success and wonder why it's not mine.

I'm sick of just about everyone I know IRL.

I was even fantasizing about faking some kind of chronic condition, like Multiple Sclerosis (which my mom has), just so I could cut off a whole bunch of people I don't want to deal with anymore. I want an excuse to dump people so I don't have to be honest -- "Honestly, I find you to be a burden rather than a joy, and I don't feel like continuing our friendship." Seems like it would be so much easier just to say, "I'm too sick to call you on the phone, or respond to any of your calls, so you have to leave me alone but you can't resent me for it."

I'm a much angrier person than I like to admit, and it's exhausting.

I want to go hide in a cave.

(PS: Cocaine is reeeeeeally addictive. If you're curious, the effect can be mimicked almost exactly by drinking way too much espresso. So can the side effects -- arrythmia, paranoia, etc. Please be careful, and experiment with extreme moderation.)

Anna: I am also on prescription meds for anxiety and depression, and have been for years. I don't see myself going off of those anytime soon; at this point, it's hard to imagine what life would be without them.

I do think I'm addicted to a drug called Fioricet; it's a headache pill that's got mostly acetominophen, but also has a small amount of barbiturate in it. Because it's a controlled substance, my doctor will only prescribe me so many pills at a time, and--confession--I have been known to sometimes take more in a given day than is on the prescription label. So I'm trying to wean myself of that, but it's hard. Very hard.

Cocaine is just something I've wanted to do for a long time, because I've heard the high that comes from it is really something else. But I do worry if I do it once, I might become addicted. So, we'll see.

'Nother confession: I love Howard Stern! I bought a Sirius radio early this year just so that I could listen to him in his new, uncensored realm. This probably seems very unfeminist to a lot of people, but...I just find him hilarious. When I'm listening to his show while driving, I generally laugh my ass off.

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I never try anything...I just do it. Like I don't beat clocks...just people. Wanna try me?

I watched Talladega Nights: the Ballad of Ricky Bobby last night w/ the mr and thought it was funny!I feel like I need to be ashamed for this, but yet am not; must be why I feel the need to confess?(although I did laugh maybe a little Too Much at all the stereotypical redneck jokes, bc I live close to where it all was staged at and know them to be more true than even the movie potrayed; how sad.)

AND I confess..I have stopped colouring my hair after almost 12 years. I have NO IDEA what my real honest to goodness colour might be anymore; an old stylist said dark auburn (from the brighter, more fiery orange red I make myself) but no doubt it will be an interesting suprise.

I confess I am sorely tempted to go to a stylist and let her chemically strip it so it is quick, but I also feel like this is hair-penance for torturing it all those years.

and lastly I confess that I am not sorry at all for what I wrote in correspondance to my ex bff.she brought up that one particular area, and so opened herself up for the exchange.we all do our time one way or another. she cannot hurt me any longer.

ratgrl, I've sometimes thought about doing drugs, but I never had a drive or a taste for it. I like the idea of getting a high, but I don't want to be dependent on a drug. I already take pills to reduce my anxiety and curb my seratonin, and despite efforts to wean myself off of it, I can't function normally without it.

Confession#1: I don't want to go to Ratboy's family's Christmas get-together tonight. It's at the house of one of his brothers. It's not that I don't get along with them; they're all actually really nice to me (although my FIL can be boorish and tactless at times). It's just that I've been up since 5:00 AM because I had to work today, then came home and did some weekend chores, and now I want to just stay home and chill. I do NOT feel like going out and putting on a happy face and being forced to make small talk w/ a bunch of people. Damn it!

Confession #2: I really want to try cocaine. Never have done it, but have long been curious. And I found a source yesterday, so I might get to do it soon. So I'm excited, but also kinda scared.

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I never try anything...I just do it. Like I don't beat clocks...just people. Wanna try me?

I loathe my MIL for doing tiny inconsiderate things like buying Mr. GK a cake mix for his B-day and saying she didn't have time to make it so just giving it to him in a gift bag. He is way to nice to be treated like an afterthought.

I am super embarassed that our electricty got shut off b/c I forgot to pay the bill. I felt retarded sitting in the drive way trying to open the garage door and wondering why it wouldn't work. Then discovering a red tag on our electric meter.

My ex was a great kisser! Lousy person but I great kisser.

Sometimes I am nice to people b/c I feel sorry for them, not because I like them or would ever want to be friends with them.

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-We are here on Earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different.

ooch. i didn't care for kissing my ex either. a good kisser is like a good conversationalist. you feel that communication and back and forth, a bad kisser, well, blech.

but god i miss kissing someone who could make my toes curl....sigh. it's been years... but my ex, well, she could whisper the most innocuous things in my ear and i'd get chills....

i know i have to get a job again, but i really don't want to. i want to paint for a living, buti am afraid being "unemployed" for so long has ruined me for steady work and relationships. i am so fucking tired of being perpetually broke. i wish i didn't waste so much time doing nothing and that i had been concentrating on my paintings instead of pissing away all the time...

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"what a swell farewell party! we said goodbye to everything, including the lining in my stomach." - garvey, from the film, born bad

"That's one career all females have in common, whether we like it or not: being a woman. Sooner or later, we've got to work at it, no matter how many other careers we've had or wanted." --margo channing, all about eve

I didn't like kissing my ex either. He was really good in bed, and he even asked me once if I thought he was a good kisser but I lied. It just wasn't good...plus, he always had a hint of bad breath, no matter if he'd just brushed his teeth or not.

Hee hee. Yeah. I hate face sucking. Sweet kisses all over the face and neck, that's nice. But the other kind makes my jaw hurt and I feel kind of grossed out about it.I've always been weird about mouths though. I hate feeling/smelling breath (even if it's not bad), eww eww. I've been known to wake up my boyfriend and tell him not to breathe on me in the middle of the night.

Similarly, I don't like kissing, b/c I had some bad experiences and some guys I knew had bad teeth.

"french" kissing has seemed creepy to me for that reason. I like closed mouth kissing, hugging, stroking and all that but I'm not as rapturous about the face-sucking kisses as women are reputed to be.

In fact, if I see people making out in mainstream movies I have to look away. It's vaguely embarassing. And some of those people I am NOT attracted to. And I'd rather just have it be PORN or NOT PORN, ya know? Hardly anyone gets the real sexy feeling like which is certain LOOKS people exchange and the way they talk to each other and do the strange animal kingdom approach and retreat thing.

No, they have some cheesy overdrawn fake "obstacles" in the "romance."

Feh!!

culturehandy: I like trains, too! I've almost always lived with in the sound of trains, and we used to walk down the tracks to get to cool places when I was a kid.

I love trains. If I am not in a rush and I see a train, I get very excited. I think that trains are cool (except the time where I was almost hit by one, not cool).

Sometimes I get in a mood where I get addicted to really trashy romance. Right now I am reading a series by Laurell K Hamilton about faeries, it's highly sex filled, and I love it.

I wish I were more crafty, I'd like to make my own jewellry.

I got really stoned last night and watched Lewis Black's HBO special Red, White, and Screwed, and my shitty day just melted away. I came to realize that my problems really aren't that bad compared to some of my clients. But still is was shitty at the time.

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Hatred does not cease in this world by hating, but by not hating; this is an eternal truth. --- Buddah, The Dhammapada