My Dog’s Nickname is WTF is Wrong With You?

This is an irreverent and, I hope, funny love story about my deaf dog, Foster. To playfully paraphrase Fidose of Reality, he’s a” Dingbat of the Highest Order”. My sense of humor may be off-color and off-kilter but hopefully not off-putting. Either way, please know this: my love for Foster is pure. I adore him because he’s a deaf dog, but also because he has the sweetest disposition and a heart as big as his pit bull head. But let’s face facts- he’s not right in the head. If the title alone offends you, you might want to skip this and read, “Tips for Hiring the Right Deaf Dog Pet Sitter“. Or read on and let me have it in a comment below.

My deaf dog’s nickname is WTF is Wrong with You?

Don’t blame me. It’s totally his fault.

But before you judge me, let me explain. Let me tell you a story. A story about my deaf dog, Foster, and my underwear.

No, he doesn’t wear them– he eats them.

The he in this story is Foster, one of our two deaf dogs. If you are a regular reader or if you follow along on Instagram, then you definitely know Edison, but you don’t know Foster- and there’s a very good reason for that.

You see, he’s not right in the head.

He’s (insert air quotes) special.

It’s not that he does reallybad things, like eating small children, but he will eat your dirty underwear. Once you’re done with them, of course, and have tossed them to the floor.

I mean, he’s never ripped someone’s underwear off while waiting in line at Starbucks, leaving some poor man standing there screaming, frantically moving his hands to cover up his dirty place. But given time? Who knows. I make no promises.

Like I said, he’s special.

But this isn’t the first time I’ve written about pet nicknames. You see, pet nicknames are a thing in our house. All four of our dogs and each of our six cats have nicknames. Their nicknames are usually chosen by me and speak to a particular personality trait or behavioral quirk that sets them apart from the others.

Several years ago, I wrote an irreverent blog post about our dog Galileo and his nickname. “My Dog Is An Idiot: A Love Story” was a funny, colorful, perhaps off-kilter love story, but a love story nonetheless.

These nicknames say as much about our dogs and cats as they do about me. And I know exactly what they say about me: I’m not right in the head either.

I doubt we are the only people who give nicknames to their pets.

I suspect that a fair number of pet parents have given their pets both official names that they use in front of polite company as well as more honest, descriptive nicknames- those monikers whispered in private when no one is listening, far from the judgmental ears of strangers who just don’t understand what it’s like to pull underwear out of your dog’s ass.

Yes, you read that right. I pull underwear out of Foster’s ass, and I do it on the regular.

Underwear, when eaten, makes it’s way down the gastrointestinal tract, hopefully not causing any damage or obstruction on it’s way. Unfortunately, underwear frequently doesn’t completely clear the anus, which means pet parents like me with special dogs like Foster, get to gently, carefully, ever-so-slowly extract their finest, flirty, sexy time shorts from our dog’s ass.

At the time I wrote about Galileo, Foster was still a young puppy and we weren’t sure who he would grow up to be.

Would he outgrow his puppy brain?

Would he grow up to be a dog we would proudly show off at gay dinner parties?

Would he stop eating our underwear?

And would we, finally, no longer find him licking frantically at our boxers swinging like a metronome from his ass?

No. No, he hasn’t.

We kept waiting, patiently, watching closely for signs that maturity was setting in. It never did. He’s a permanent six month old puppy who eats underwear like a stoner on a box of Pop-Tarts- frantically, passionately and with pure joy on his face.

Special, that’s part of who Foster is.

But special doesn’t mean he’s dumb. He’s quite smart actually, and observant. He knows a few dozen hand signs and, in some cases, more than one sign for the same command, i.e. an obedience sign for sit as well as the ASL sign.

He also knows, somehow, when we are likely to leave the bedroom and- just as the doorknob clicks left, which he cannot hear because he’s deaf- he bolts up and bounds through the door, quickly grabbing the first pair of briefs he can find.

This means we have to keep the bedroom door closed. We don’t do this because Foster breaks lamps or pees on the bed or gnaws on the furniture.

Nope. He’s not a bad dog.

He’s just has a thing for underwear, preferably mine and preferably dirty.

The thing is, I have a thing too. I actually like my underwear. It’s nice. It’s comfortable. And it’s fashionably gay.

And I personally do not enjoy tugging my foundation garments loose as they dangle from my dog’s ass.

Once he has the underwear in his mouth, they’re gone. Retrieving them is futile. So, muttering under my breath, WTF is wrong with you?, I mark an X on the calendar. I know that within 24 hours, he will be bounding, wildfire, from room to room, licking frantically at his ass.

Then, I jump online to order another pair and count the hours, hoping this time won’t lead to a dreaded vet visit to surgically correct a bowel obstruction.

Oh my goodness. Hmm you may have to invest in a fashionable hamper your dog cannot get into. Or perhaps I’m clueless as to how clever your dog is? Sounds like you never have a dull moment for sure. Yes I’d be on high alert too…having to go to the vet for an emergency is never a good thing. yikes. He’s got quite th nickname indeed. I didn’t see that one coming!

Wow, I CANT’ BELIEVE fOSTER ROUTINELY EATS YOUR UNDERWEAR! I WOULD THINK ONCE IS UNPLEASANT ENOUGH – FOR BOTH OF YOU! I ONCE HAD TO PULL A FULL PLANT, ABOUT 12 INCHES LONG OUT OF MY DOG’S BUTT. a MESS. sHE NEVER DID IT AGAIN THANKFULLY!

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ok, i really shouldn’t be laughing because a dog eating underwear is not the healthiest of things but OMG! the nicknames i have for my dog are no where near like yours, they are more the “pumpkin, pudding” kinda nicknames and it’s not because she eats pudding and pumpkins 😉

BAWHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You know I always enjoy your humor and you outdid yourself in this post!

Ruby is definitely special and not right in the head either. Unfortunately, she thinks the cat litter box is a snack tray. But lucky for me she doesn’t need my assistance with the grossness that follows.

And yes, we do have some private and public nicknames for the fur kids though I have been sworn to secrecy so can’t repeat them here.

Oh my! What a funny story about your dog! I had a dog who ate things I couldn’t bring myself to mention. With 5 dogs in my life the nicknames are all over the place. And they all had dozens of different ones. Funny how they just come to you. So glad the two of you enjoy each other so much! He is a lucky guy!! (Sorry for the all caps…the form defaulted to this no matter what I did otherwise)

Oh man, what a pup! And what a story. OUr hound dog Boomer had an underwear fetish as a puppy, but thankfully, unlike Foster, she DID grow out of it. ANd she wouldn’t eat ALL of the underwear, she would just eat the crotch. ANd then I woudln’t notice and would put them in the wash, throw them in a drawer, and put them on and wonder why it was a tad bit breezier than usual down there.. LOL. Thanks for the laugh, and the walk down memory lane

HA HA HA I am laughing so much here and living in San Francisco and going to a dog park which is mainly gay i am sure the whole park would be laughing too. I love the nickname and hey if it works that is all that is good. thanks for making me laugh today

ps. layla says you should come for pride this year, we do the dyke march every year and i call her mini dyke

BOL!!! This had me totally laughing out loud! My first thought was, WTF is wrong with you leaving your damn underpanties on the floor!? but now i see your dog is a complete opportunist, just waiting for the nano-second the undies hit the floor & he’s off & running (or should i say chewing!). oh well, look on the bright side, you’ll never have to wear your undies ’til they’re all faded, torn & tattered, foster with see to that! this post is great fun, i must share!
Love & Biscuits,
Dogs Luv Us and We Luv Them

Haha this is amazing! i GUESS i SHOULD COUNT MYSELF LUCKY, FOR MY LITTLE DOG (ALSO PRETTY ‘SPECIAL’) ONLY LIKES TO LICK MY DIRTY UNDERWEAR, AND NEVER ACTUALLY EATS THEM. although i WILL SAY HE’S DEVELOPED QUITE A KNACK FOR GETTING INTO MY HAMPER, AND SEEMS TO ESPECIALLY CRAVE DIRTY UNDERTHINGS WHEN WE HAVE COMPANY. aH DOGS, YOU CAN’T HELP BUT LOVE THEM!
(sORRY FOR THE ALL CAPS, NOT QUITE SURE WHAT’S GOING ON THERE…)

I love the way you wrote this. The best way to control undesired behavior is by controlling the environment; in this case, putting underwear under “a lock and key.” unless he’s eating it right off of you? :p

ROFLMAO this was such a fun read!! We do have nicknames for our pets actually, multiple nicknames. Oh and while underrear I mean underwaer, sounds horrid to pull out of a dogs ass – try pulling Christmas Tinsel out of a cat’s butt! Yes, TINSEL! You know that stuff can cut right!? OUCH! Great read thank you for the laughs!

The Graffiti Dog focuses on deaf dog awareness, training, nutrition, health, enrichment and education. I am a storyteller who incorporates photo of my deaf dog Edison with bright, colorful street art and graffiti to connect and engage with my readers. Read More About Me and The Graffiti Dog Here...