Smiting the smiteable since 2005

The Light Bulb of Freedom and the Flush Heard Round the World

The Tea Party loves liberty and freedom and well they should. No one likes to be mashed under the jackboot, drink tea under totalitarianism, or otherwise be ruthlessly held under duress by a tyrant. After all, that’s what the Constitution is all about. Sic semper tyrannis and all that.

But, tea totalitarianists have a curious sense of how to prioritize the liberties they’ll save. In May, Rand Paul (R-Kentucklhead Corners) took on the tough battle to protect the liberties of those squashed under the jackboot of light bulb efficiency rules and low-flow toilet regulations. He spoke passionately of how his low-flow toilet robbed him of his God-given right to crap in a bowl of his own choice and required him to sometimes flush twice, thrice, or quadrice. What a horrible injustice!

Ritch Workman Ain’t No Braveheart
The latest quest for freedom comes by way of FL Rep. Ritch Workman (R-Anita Bryant County). His excellency is worried about unemployment so is calling for the repeal of a 1989 statute outlawing the traditional values sport of dwarf-tossing. Rep. Workman sees the repeal of the safety regulation as a way of solving Florida’s unemployment problems by harnessing the free-market to put the state’s millions of Little People back to work at their chosen profession.

“To me it’s an archaic kind of Big Brother law that says, ‘We don’t like that activity,’ ” Workman said. “Well, there is nothing immoral or illegal about that activity. All we really did by passing that law was take away some employment from some little people.”

Now that’s true enough I suppose. Little People should be allowed to eschew demeaning carnival jobs in favor of opening for far more dignified Wet T-shirt contests. After all, they can’t all work on reality TV shows like a gaggle of excessively large repo men.

I’ll agree the law infringes the liberties of Little People. However, I can think of many things that abridge freedoms and liberties worse than bad plumbing and flinging Little People. Yet, the Tea Party either ignores those liberties or supports them without seeing it irony.

All Hail the No Dwarf Left Behind Bill
For example, why are so many Tea Partiers intent on passing a Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) that crushes the freedom of gays to marry whom they like? Aren’t no-warrant phone tapping and the ability to board a jet without a cavity search liberties to be enjoyed by all – even Little People? Stacked against a recalcitrant toilet, someone listening to my phone calls seems a larger infringement on my freedom.

About the only bipartisan thing in America today is a fear of government. That’s a healthy thing. It is what keeps a democracy a democracy. Hand too much power to the government, corporations, or any other large institution insinuated into American life and you have a prescription for unrest and rebellion.

So, let’s extinguish the light bulb of freedom and the flush heard round the world and get to work on issues that actually mean something.