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Continuing yesterday's discussion about magic with cellphones, I need someone to build an app for me.

For a couple years now when someone asks me what I do for a living, and I really don't feel like getting into specifics, I've been saying, "I'm working on an iphone app." And when they ask what the app does I say, "You can fart into your phone and it tells you what you had for breakfast."

Can someone build this for me already or what?

I mean, I get that the technology isn't really there, but we could fake it easily enough. All you would have to do is know what your friend had for breakfast and punch it into the app at some point in the day without him knowing. Then when he has a fart brewed up you tell him to fart into the phone and the app acts like it's running some calculations:

beepbopboopbeepbeepbopboopbeepbop -- DING!

Eggs Benedict

And the app would be called something like, "My Breakfart App: Test Version 1.6." And you could personalize it with your name and stuff and tell people you built the app yourself. And maybe you could convince 1 out of 10 people that Apple had put some kind of sensor in iphones so that they can be used to detect carbon dioxide or smoke in the air. And you're just harnessing that sensor and using it to break down the gas produced in a fart to its food components. You have some dumb friends. They would believe that.

Oh, and the app records the sound of the fart. So you have this app that's filled with all your friend's farts. And you can assign them as ringtones. So when your friend calls you, you hear his ass like pthhhflllbbbbbbbbb.