It's becoming increasingly difficult to push a conservative agenda when these wild things called statistics, history, facts, and not being an asshole keep getting in the way. A Republican slip: When you say "no new taxes" and mean only for your boss.

Saturday, December 31, 2011

GOP Facts from 2011

2011 was a year of cuts, chaos, and privatization for the GOP, and the year they've had could only be summed up by some of these absolutely accurate statistics. (As approved by Politifact)

1. There are approximately 128.7 million Americans that Herman Cain hasn't slept with.

2. 23.7% of Mitch McConnell's children made it from their nest on the beach to the sea.

3. The divorce rate in America is 66%, as discovered in a case study of Newt Gingrich.

4. Barrack Obama has played 375 rounds of golf this year, with an average of "socialist black guy."

5. Herman Cain has 9 ways to give you his 9 inches if you're 9-teen.

6. Mitt Romney spent 1,089 minutes trying to decide whether to wear boxers or briefs, and eventually concluded that he'd take whatever that black guy in Washington wasn't wearing.

7. Marcus Bachmann has a 5% cure rate for homosexuality. Coincidently, he has a 95% success rate in trying to have sex with his clients.

8. Libya is an independent state within the country of Africa that was taken over by the Taliban following the end of the Gadaffi regime.

9. 79% of Republicans believe that life begins at conception and ends when you're gay, an immigrant, or can't afford health insurance.

10. According to Fox News, 55% of Americans prefer "Merry Christmas" to "Happy Holidays." 55% of Republicans also didn't know what the acronym "GOP" stood for. (actually a real statistic)