So I am getting ready for the procedure to have my adenomas removed. (If you don’t know what I am talking about, read about it here in this blog).

Honestly I am super nervous about it. I know I know, everyone keeps telling me that it is a really positive thing…I am not getting cancer and the amazing work of the doctors and researchers means that I have been saved from something that even 20 years ago was unlikely to have been found. There is a LOT to be grateful for.

My hubby is even showing how much he understands the spiritual journey. He keeps telling me that this is my life reward. The universes way of healing me. It is like the final step on the journey to heal the whole self, I have been working on the mind and spirit side of things for a long time, but my body has always held so many challenges. I hate to exercise, and the idea of having to change what I believed was a pretty healthy diet has certainly raised some difficulties, but honestly, I feel like spirit, or my higher self or whatever it may be, has kind of been sitting there, waiting for the moment when this was ready to be brought out into the open, and I have discovered I am able to just really accept it.

So let me tell you about the fear.

Firstly, when I heard about these pre-cancerous growths I felt a groundswell of terror inside of myself. This is my greatest fear. I have always had these thoughts that would swirl around inside of me that one day I was going to die a long slow horribly unpleasant death from bowel cancer. Then, suddenly, there it was. I was growing the very thing I feared so much. I am not sure if my fears were my body trying to tell me what was happening already inside me, or that my fears were creating the thing I focused my fears on. In energy work and spirituality, we believe that we create our reality through the focus of our thoughts and emotions. So, then, my fears and my thoughts were probably enough to trigger my genetic predisposition to it. Along with the many years of emotional trauma from abuse, and what I am beginning to believe is a huge problem with the food we eat and the way it is grown and processed…bang, there it all is. Reality bites.

So, I went into meditation to sit with this monster. As fear burned and tears poured down my face, I breathed in and out and counted to 4 over and over again. I looked for a space inside of myself where I was fully present and engaged in dealing with this moment. I pulled up every reserve of strength I have, and I entered my subconscious. In this place in my mind and meditation, I engage in a conversation with my self. I confront the inner child, the inner controller, the inner procrastinator and the inner avoider. I experienced and witnessed all the ways and means in which I sabotage and hold myself in this fearful space.

I visualise my higher self the perfect version of myself, my soul essence, as a body of light. That light is connected to my physical self through a golden rod. I envision my golden rod as being both of light, and as if it is actual physical gold and that it rises up through my spine, out of my head and into the space above my head where it connects to my higher self energy and through my whole body’s energy field. As my awareness moves out into the space of my energy field, I call in, using my own mental voice, the energy of my greatest source power. This is the energy that is connected to the energy field of the universe of this space/time dimension. It is where I can access insight and information, and it is also where I can access healing energy.

In this space, I asked for healing energy to infusemy cells and my blood and my tissue and to renew and regenerate all parts of my physical self. I ask for insight into ways to release the anger and resentment and fear. I ask that these feelings and emotions be transmuted into a vibration of balance for my physical self and my emotional self.

During this meditation, as I sat within my self-healing space I experienced my whole energy system turning red. I saw and felt a huge ball of pulsing red energy. My heart began pounding and I felt a sense of terror building.

I heard the words in my mind…This is it. This is your shadow, this is your fear. It is all right here in front of you.

And there I was…just looking at this angry fearful ball of pulsating, threatening red energy.

So I did the only thing I could. I took a deep breath in and I sat there with it, acknowledging it, understanding it presence. Realising how much power it had over me. I was looking at this visual throbbing manifestation of emotion and thought, sitting there inside my mind and body. Yet I was still sitting on my bed, perfectly safe. I was ok. I breathed deeply again and I shifted my awareness up through that golden rod to the higher self version of my energy that I trust and know to be just as strong and powerful as that ball of red. I smiled gently and kept on breathing. I then mentally stepped back from both places. I allowed my thoughts to quieten and I trusted that these two energies knew each other well. My choice and ability to bring through my higher self energy gave me the sense that these energies were balancing and activating changes in my system. I began to relax again and to accept that in the seeing acknowledging and allowing, without resistance, the red energy was released.

After this meditation, I found that I simply felt different everything. It felt like a switch got flicked. I did not feel like I was going to be missing out on the foods I was so attached to. I was ok with the changes I needed to make in that regard. (Don’t mention exercise though…that is still a problem….yick!!!) I am confident that my procedure will go well. I have also been finding my intuition is on super drive. I like to play little games with myself. (Like I love watching The Chaser, and I can predict accurately every single time which chaser is about to play!! I have not been wrong in 2 weeks now. I know, ooohhh super psychic ha ha).

Anyway, I am not pretending that I am totally fine, that I faced down the red angry shadow, defeated my nemesis and now I am living in luxury on a tropical island being served by muscle bound men and concocting delicious cocktails day in and day out. I have, however, experienced a deep and profound internal gear shift. This is like the deepest, strongest grounding I have ever experienced. I spend most of my life generally living in a highly disassociated ‘out there or up in the clouds’ kind of way. This situation is planting my feet firmly on the earth, in my body and changing me for the better.

Oh, and there is one other, super synchronous thing that has happened this week too. Have a quick read about how THE HOUSE OF PAIN IS GONE. (A quicker read…but definitely worth it if you LOVE synchronicities like me 🙂

Edit>> This is yet another AMAZING SYNCHRONICITY that has happened recently. Check out this blog about meeting a new friend at a circle and the story that had us both laughing and wowing!

XOM

If you are moved by my writing, I would be honoured if you bought a book. My spiritual journey and my poetry are both available on this website, just click the button.

I feel like I need to get up and runaway, but something is pushing me down and holding me in place.

This time around….I open my eyes to lovely nurses.

You are going to be ok Megan, everything went well. Your procedure is over. How do you feel?

Can I get you anything?

Last time around…I open my eyes and I am alone in a ward.

What have I done?

This time around I say…I feel sick. More lovely nurses rush for sick bags and water and medication to help me. You will be ok, Megan, lie back and keep resting.

Last time around…I need to get up to pee, but I am stuck to a machine. I ring a bell and a nurse comes. Oh, it’s you…you right? No, I need to pee. Well just get up and push the machine to the toilet with you…I am too busy for people like you.

This time aroundeveryone is lovely and they are caring for me, looking after me. I feel very nauseous, but eventually it passed and I get to rest while everyone looks after me. But that bloody cannula in my hand hurts…a lot

Last time around everyone is so angry with me. Confused, angry, dismissive and looking at me like I have gone insane…which I think sometimes I did. And the bloody cannula in my hand… really really hurts.

That is what you call a flashback.

One of the other unforseen complications of my recent stay in hospital was that flashback. This one, though, this one was a little different. You see, this time, it was not all about my sexual abuse.

No, this one is just as big and just as scary. It is also devastating, mortifying and humiliating.

This is about the time I abused myself.

This was a flashback to when I attempted suicide as an 18 year old.

And it was because of that bloody cannula. It was the trigger. I hate cannula’s. They are annoying and inconvenient and they hurt. The anaesthetist was being so nice saying it is better to put it in the back of the hand instead of the elbow, as it is less intrusive. Sure, I think, that’s fine. Then suddenly I am not even fighting back tears, I am actively crying and being reassured it is just because I feel so shitty after the bowel prep for the procedure. Yeah, of course I thought, that sounds reasonable. I believed it too.

By the way, the anaesthetist says, I am only going to keep the sedation very light and some people have said that they wake up during the procedure. Don’t worry if you do, I will know and increase the dose and you will go back to sleep.

Well…I did wake up. It was quite disorienting. What is going on? Where am I? What is happening?

Everything went well with the procedure to take my pre-cancerous adenomas out. Not too much pain, so I got to come home, with strict instructions to take it very easy for a couple weeks.

I decided to grab my brand new oil diffuser and pop in some grounding vetiver oil, some relaxing lavender oiland lie on my couch reading a book all afternoon. I had been talking with a friend about being put under anaesthetic. She and I had agreed that it was incredibly important to ground our energy back into our bodies afterwards, as we felt that during sedation our energetic body becomes quite disassociated, leaving us very depleted. Vetiver oil is amazing for grounding energy. And it works really well on people with tendency to being very un-grounded all the time..like me.

That night, I was very restless in my bed and so I decided that I needed to do a meditation. As I began my process, I quickly entered into my higher self state where I feel my deep connection to self and spirit. As I breathed I kept noticing this strange flash of something. I tried not to focus too much on it, just allow it to be there. But it was persistent. It is like the flicker of a fluorescent light coming on, but inside my head.

So I asked “What is that?” and suddenly I realised that it was the memory of waking up in my procedure. Those are the theatre lights and those are the voices of the doctors and nurses. And then suddenly it all becomes so amazing clear. This is where a part of me is still stuck. Up out here. I constantly experience this block in my meditations when I try to expand beyond this place, but I never seem to be able to.

I take a deep breath in and become very still in this place. This is huge.

This is a huge emotionally charged layer of myself I am confronting here.

This is a place of confusion, torment and terror.

This is a place of wallow.

Of destitution.

And emptiness so incredibly barren.

Then it becomes confusion and wild un-tameable rage.

It is just so hard in this place.

It throbs.

It is magnetic.

It is isolation so far beyond loneliness as to rejoice at the idea of mere sadness.

But this new me, the one that has been cultivating self love and forgiveness and compassion, who knows that there is nothing to fear here, except the pain and misery I have created in myself for so many years is standing with me. She has just had the lumps of pain and hurt and betrayal cut away and she is not going to avoid or run scared anymore.

I know that for many years I have tried to develop my psychic/intuitive/spiritual self and I have sought the assistance of dozens of healers and readers and never been able to break through this place I am now in…when suddenly I realise my mistake. I have been trying to send love out to this pain, or I have tried to sending rays of healing energy toward it. I have imagined tried to ‘lift its vibration’ or even just allowed it to sit there and try to move my energy around or past it….all manner of different things. No…I needed to bring it back. I needed to let it merge back into me. And with that insight, breath and allowance…it did.

And I fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up early and lie there a moment. Within moments I was crying. Tears trickled but quickly turned into huge gasping sobs. My hubby wakes and takes me in his arms and I cry and cry and cry. I am absolutely sobbing and moaning as I grieve this time from my past. I am so sorry, I keep saying. I am telling this to myself. I am telling myself I am sorry for what I did.

I haggardly tell my hubby what happened. I am so incredibly sorry for the pain I caused myself. My body is humming with an intense vibration. Both my hands are buzzing with it. I feel this layer of energy shifting and releasing. My husband just holds me. That’s all he has to do. Just hold me and rub my back as I let it go. Tell me I am ok. I will be ok. It was ok, what I did. It made sense at the time. And that is all.

The intensity subsides. I breathe a little easier.I have the sense of something profound occurring within my heart. It is lighter. I am stronger. I feel a wholeness that has been missing for a long time.

So…this week I go to hospital to have the pre-cancerous growths removed from my colon. I am nervous about the procedure, but my gorgeous husband put this spin on it. This is the last part of this healing journey for you. You have worked so incredibly hard to deal with your abuse trauma and to heal through your spiritual journey, but the body has always been a huge challenge. It is as if all the pain, the fear, the hurt, the resentments, the betrayals every bad emotion and thought I have had about who I am and what happened to me are growing there in these horrible things inside of me…and they are going to be cut out. All gone…a new Megan will be in the place of the old sad broken one.

I think it is a good way to look at it. Through being committed to healing myself, I did not succumb to the cancer that might have been. I have changed the future by catching it early. That is empowering. It gives me control and understanding about what I need to do and the changes I need to make to ensure that I do not become a victim of cancer too.

I am still working on really truly feeling into that. I am scared. I don’t like invasive procedures and hospitals, and pretty much any of the stuff that it involved in dealing with this. But it is better than the alternative…so I am working on the gratitude.

Here is the interesting bit. I heard some news that really knocked my socks off. My nana’s house, the one where a LOT of the abuse I received happened is also literally being demolished this week. The person who owns it tried to sell it, but couldn’t, so instead they are going to knock it down and build a brand new house there.

The house of pain is GONE! My pre-cancer growths, GONE! In the same week.

I am a sign seeker. For me, that is just a super amazing synchronous timing thing. Some of the energy gurus* about are saying that we are in a phase were we are receiving energetic upgrades right now…well this sure feels like I am the recipient of some pretty sweet upgrades to my energy system. It is as if they will both no longer exist and I feel like there is a magical laser beam of change that is literally erasing crap out of my life.

Have a read over here if you didn’t catch my last blog about the visit to the doctor about menopause that hassaved me from getting bowel cancer. And over here in this blog, I tell you about the meditationI did that I feel was my connection to the upgrade energy that has helped me to face the shadow that is manifesting the syndrome that is giving my these cancer type growths. (edited to add: there is one more post about the energy healing I have been experiencing in this series that came after I came home from hospital, that completes this little series of blog posts. This last one is a bit intense…but it also describes what life on the spiritual path really can be like.

**If you follow the spiritual leaders and astrologers of the world, you will know that we are in an energetic period that is considered to be at a point of collective pause from a great inhale to the great exhale. We have been contracting and very soon, the energy will shift and intensify and rapidly expand. We will be in a space to create the next phase in our life journey and we are setting in motion the wheels that will turn for us into the next 30 year cycle. For me personally, then, this time is a sense of completion in regard to this particular trauma cycle. I am looking at moving into a time of full integration of all that I have experienced and learned and will begin to offer more in terms of external connections. Meaning more of my internal world will become available to the outside world as I begin to become more visible with others by offering services to the world and sharing more of myself.

At 45, (ok, you got me, I am 46 in 4 weeks) I had been told for the past couple of years I was in ‘peri-menopause’.

For those who aren’t there yet, it is this kind of no-man’s land of not being in actual menopause, but also no longer having a ‘regular’ period (if you ever did have regular periods). I went from periods that would last 3 weeks, to not having one for 6 – 8 weeks, and just never knowing when it would arrive. I no longer knew if I was having PMS, or I was just being a cranky bitch. On top of that, as we trawled through the summer of 2016/17 here in Qld, I thought I may be having hot flushes, but if you live here, you’d be like… “Hey, that was just the ridiculous humidity and climate change.” Turns out this peri-menopause bizzo can go on for like, up to 10 years. Ugh, great.

But then, the irregularity just stopped and there was nothing…nada, not a spot for like, 3 months, and to top it off, my brain was like ‘aaaahhh hello, what’s happening??’ I used to use if for stuff like thinking and making up poems and jokes. But now, it was like I was walking through a hazy fog, but I couldn’t even remember what fog was. Dr Google said “You are experiencing symptoms of menopause….so off to the doctor I went, in hopes of a miraculous answer to my sweaty, foggy non-bleeding situation.”

‘Well’, said the doc, you are still in peri-menopause. ‘We don’t consider it to be ‘actual menopause’ until there has been no bleeding for 12 months.’ Right, so just keep trucking or, you can go on HRT, because if it is early menopause, well, we need to be looking after your bone health, but we can wait until it is ‘officially’ menopause for that. Yikes…ok. Let’s worry about that then, I think.

BUT, (and it is a rather big but…not my actual butt, but well, it is about my butt…ok, I’ll try to stop)while I am at my lovely new docs at the new women’s well-being clinic I have decided to switch to, because I can never get an appointment with the old GP I have been seeing for 10 years, she says “Let’s do a full history and physical”.

Ok, I guess that is a good idea. What a lovely doctor I think to myself….until she starts asking all the questions about my toilet habits. This is one of those areas where I just freeze up and get stuck. And that ‘freeze up and getting stuck’ is a crucial piece of this story.

If you are one of my lovely readers, who is with me because you are a survivor of sexual abuse, please keep reading this….it may save your life.

For as long as I can remember, I have been kind of irregular in that area. From urgency to looseness to difficulty in passing to constipation. My body has never had an easy time processing waste. In about the last 10-15 years, the term Irritable Bowel Syndrome has become fairly well known and bantered around in the medical and health circle, and so I latched onto this idea, as it seemed to explain what I experience. I had spoken to my old GP who agreed that it was pretty much what was happening for me. I would try to see if it was related to particular foods. I found it better to avoid too much dairy…particularly milk and ice-cream, but I haven’t really focused too much time on it, because honestly, I feel like my Irritable Bowel is a part of my body’s betrayal of me.

My body has been responsible for so much pain; it felt like this was an intrinsic part of my life. Just another way that life sucks, that I deserve this shit show (I know I am full of terrible toilet jokes…I can’t seem to stop) and I am being punished for my sexual abuse.

Interesting.

So, anyway, the nice new lady doctor says “I don’t like these descriptions of your bowel, let’s do a test”.

Oh joy…poo test. So I agree to the poo test. When the doc gets the result, she isn’t too happy still.

But there is something not right. The Doc doesn’t like the look of things, so, she says, “I think you should have a colonoscopy”.

AAAHHH, Oooo, no, no, no.

Something inside of me surges. I have not acknowledged this feeling right up front.

This feeling lurks far far away in shadow land. In the place we don’t go. The place we don’t acknowledge. This is the place of waste, and toxicity and foulness. I have had a fear of this (of what they will find) for a long, long time.

My heart, stomach and bowel sink. Life and reality and truth land.

Yes…I know I have to do this. But I so do not want to.

The referral is made to a Gastroenterologist.

A few weeks pass and I have successfully avoided making an appointment.

Until I am sitting on the floor of my office one day. It is one of the places where I sometimes like to sit and cry or meditate. This time I am meditating. I was having a ‘check in’ with my body and I feel a huge sob welling up inside of me and the voice of my guidance crashes loud and clear into my mind…”Megan, this is it, it is time NOW!”

Ok, thank you guides, message received. I am looking at my calendar trying to figure a date for the procedure and the phone rings. It is the hospital. They have my referral, and since I haven’t rung to make an appointment, they are checking to see if they should just throw it away.

“No”, I say, “I was just about to call and make the appointment”. Wow…what a coincidence (of course, there is no such thing as coincidence).

Today, as I write this blog, it is the day after my colonoscopy. Yes, I survived. Yes, the prep was horrid, but the procedure itself was fine. You are sedated, so there is nothing to freak out about there.

But…. here is what the lovely butt doctor said.

‘You have 4 large sessile serrated adenomas in your mid-ascending colon that have to be removed by a specialist. You have ‘Serrated Polyposis Syndrome.’ These are the kinds of things that have the potential and probability to become cancerous and your body is prone to making to making them. It was lucky that you came in when you did, because we can get them out now, before they get worse. And, sorry but you will need yearly colonoscopies, because you are in the high risk category‘

And, because I asked the question about whether my history of Depression, PTSD Anxiety and Panic Attacks could have contributed, he also confirmed:

‘The scientific research absolutely backs up the fact that there is a link between stress and trauma and being diagnosed with Irritable Bowel and Bowel Cancer, so yes, if you have experienced childhood abuse, it will have played a role in the development of it. There is a link between the gut, the bowel and the brain that we are just beginning to understand it better.’

Whoa! Ok….but the good news is that we got there in time!

I don’t have cancer…just a high risk factor that will have to be continually monitored.

But, instead, I went to a new doctor about my menopause, and she took the time listen and to understand all about me.

I, finally, listened to my body, and my body spoke to me.

I listened when the universe sent me that coincidence (synchronicity) and I took action…even though I didn’t want to and I was (shit) scared! And I saved myself some nasty repercussions.

All because I went into early menopause, so I went to the doctor.

Oh, and just to add another synchronicity to the story. I found out all of the above on Wednesday 21 June…which just happens to be Bowel Cancer Awareness Day! (Is that synchronicity or irony?)

Of course, being me, I now want to know what the ‘spiritual’ message of colon cancer is. So off to Dr Google it and this is what is says. In Chinese medicine, the colon and lungs are connected. The lungs are what we bring into ourselves and the colon is what we release. (Some years ago I had pneumonia…and have always suffered with bronchitis, upper respiratory tract issues. Oh, another co-incidence).

On a page from Spirit Voyage, Titled “Kundaini Yoga and the Colon: Healing Resentment”…it says:

From an emotional viewpoint, the colon has to do with having trouble letting go. These issues aren’t typically current life events, but usually stem from the past. It is human nature to hold on to events because there is a belief that by never forgetting, we will not let it happen again. It is be helpful to learn from the past, but there is a point in which what we hold onto will hold us back from moving on. Resentment is an example of holding onto the past and the emotion can literally jam up the entire body.

And the big important sentence:

(it) has to do with secrets that we bury from ourselves. It is like hiding something in the deepest darkest corner we can find in the body so that we cannot even find it.”

Furthermore, on a page called Cancer Awakens, in relation to mental and emotional triggers for colo-rectal cancer, comes this info:

‘As a part of the large intestine, the colon is symbolised as the realm of the dead, for in it is contained all the materials that cannot be brought back to life. The large intestine is also symbolised as our unconscious or our ‘shadow side’, the home of those things that we are afraid to bring into the open.

Those who have colon cancer may be prone to suppressing and containing within themselves, their negative emotions and parts of their personality that they do not like. Often, these suppressed parts may be unconscious.

Relatedly, Louise Hay also associates the colon with the past, and problems of the colon stemming from an unwillingness to let go of the past.

Then there is also the Second Chakra Connection;

The colon and rectum are located above the base of the spine, in the region of the second chakra. The health of this chakra is influenced by how we exercise power and control in issues of money, sex and intimate relationships.

So, the point I want to share about my brush with potential cancer is the notion of how

The suppression of our sexual abuse and not freeing ourselves from our resentment and our trauma isliterally making us sick. Not only will addressing it release the secret and the burden from an emotional and mental health perspective, but it may just save your life.

For years and years I held onto the secret of it. I was 33 when I finally took the step to speak up and I decided to write my book about it when I was 42. But for those first 30 years, I held onto a HUGE damaging scary secret. I was angry, hurt, confused and resentful. I grieve the loss of an innocent childhood, the difficulties I have experienced with intimacy, the difficulty of letting go of the pain I experienced, the sense of betrayal which led to many trust issues. It is a long list of emotional pain to say the least. These emotions have been stuck, frozen inside of me, and I have struggled to ‘let them go”. So, the worst of it has decided to take up physical residence in the place where I release the foulness, toxicity and waste.

Ok… I see the connection.

I am convinced that my determination to overcome my sexual abuse has created the circumstances that led to me discovering the damage inside my body before it killed me (or at the very least made me incredibly ill). I whole-heartedly believe that my spiritual practice and dedication to meditation, combined with the act of releasing of my voice, through speaking up, speaking out, then writing my book and starting this blog have deepened my understanding of the interconnectedness of mind/body/spirit/soul which has created so much healing in my life. This is another chapter in the progress of the change and power to heal and protect ourselves that is possible.

That is the power of the voice, the power in the story and the gift of our intuition.

For all of that…I am very very grateful.

I have written 3 follow up blogs to this original post. To follow this series you can read all about that AMAZING synchronicity that occurred around this healing episode and how I use my energy work, meditation and oils in my spiritual journey to deal with healing the traumas that go along with spiritual journey:

Conclusions: We found that a history of sexual and physical abuse is a frequent, yet hidden, experience in women seen in referral-based gastroenterology practice and is particularly common in those with functional gastrointestinal disorders. A history of abuse, regardless of diagnosis, is associated with greater risk for symptom reporting and lifetime surgeries.

According to Dr. Larry Bergstrom, MD, Director of the Integrative Medicine Program at the Mayo Clinic Scottsdale Arizona the emotional stress of being a victim of sexual abuse may lead to physical illness such as fibromyalgia, chronic pain, irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) and even cancer.

Healing your past can help you overcome stomach problems, headaches and other unexplained ailments. Sexual abuse—be it recent or years ago—is often linked to mental health problems such as depression and anxiety in the estimated one in four women and one in six men who were sexually assaulted before the age of 18. Now: A growing body of evidence links a history of molestation and/or rape to a wide variety of physical ailments. Problem: Sexual abuse survivors—and their doctors—often don’t realize that their medical problems may stem from the abuse. What’s more, many people who were sexually abused are reluctant to mention it to their doctors because they feel shame and anxiety about what happened to them.

The childhood sexual abuse (CSA) survivor population is substantial and survivors have been identified as part of the population who were under-screened or never-screened for breast, cervical and colon cancer.

Have you ever watched one of those action flicks, like John Wick or Die Hard? You know when the hero is a super amazing shoot ‘em up karate swinging type, but who also gets his ass kicked over and over and over again, to the point where you look at your boy/girl friend/husband/wife and kind of roll your eyes because, seriously, this guy should be dead by now, but he just keeps getting up and going? Then, before you know it…there is a sequel! And you are thinking WHAAAT?? Shouldn’t that guy still be in physio and going to trauma counselling, but instead, a new threat has been discovered, so he is called back into action.

I actually love these kinds of action movies. The muscle rippling, sweaty fantasy of it all. The mindless destruction and interminable spirit of an unstoppable man on a mission. Watching these guys push through ridiculous amounts of physical pain, destroy perfectly good cars, and buildings, and planes and roads, and well, you get the picture….they are superheroes. (Or psychopathic criminals…it’s a fine line people).

So, why am I talking to you about my crushes on Bruce Willis and Keanu Reeves? Because today I woke up and thought about blogging again. I stopped last year, because, well….life. The ongoing struggle I have with my anxiety, depression and my spirituality. My life story seemed to take on the structure of a sequel to an action movie.

You see, I wrote my book, then, lots of shitty things happened, and then, the worst thing of all happened. I lost faith in my spirituality. What the f@#k?! I just wrote a book about how I used spirituality to heal my sexual abuse scars and then it all started to feel wrong. The fantasy I had about feeling all empowered in my healing, showing up as a beacon of inspiration for the sexually abused and women’s empowerment just kind of withered beneath my inability to make up my mind and focus on one thing.

FEAR, baby, big fat fear. What is this new hell I have found?

That is the reality is being highly creative and living with trauma/emotional instability. I am tormented by so many ideas, an over-thinking mind, coupled with family life and the realisation that I am not nearly so brave as I thought I was found me crashing into a big fat block about what to do next with my life….and so TA DA…I manifested a crippling spiritual crisis and became trapped back in the cyclic pattern that I have been fighting for years to heal.

And that is what brought me to my crazy superhero men and there all fighting sequels. Those men remind me or myself…they had a mission. They fought hard and long, through seemingly insurmountable odds, to emerge, somewhat battered and bloodied, yet victorious. Mission accomplished. Nemesis defeated!!

Or…maybe not?

Where do action heroes go to die? They don’t, they find another battle in the never-ending war. Sure, I kicked a big goal, I honed my skills and created a stronger, more stable fortress. I am now living more closely to my real self than ever before but, I had no back-up plan. No Plan B. Nothing but the void that is left when you fail to plan. You see…my life right now is the script-writing phase of the sequel to The Magic and The Mire. In my faith and trust, I left that plan B up to the universe, only to discover that what the universe had planned for me was to fall further into the rabbit hole of self sabotage, self doubt, procrastination. It wanted me to test that faith and those skills some more and remind me of that good old spiritual lesson from Shrek…layers. I am the Onion.

Look here it is. I look back now and think about why I wrote The Magic and the Mire. In amongst all the noble reasons for it, foremost, I wrote it for myself. To try to explain my life to myself and to see if it made any sense. And by the end of the writing of it, things did make sense to me. But it also scared the shit out of me too. I am proud of the book, but in reality, the process allowed deeper and deeper layers of pain to emerge. Some old wounds become scarified and toughened. Others gaped open, exposing cancerous wounds beneath that I did not even know were there. A new new level of self awareness had begun and it sent me back into the rumination of spiritual seeking. I was vividly reminded that everything is in a cycle. The vortex spun around and returned me to the shadow land with those new fears to confront.

So when all the gurus were telling me that I should be on the bandwagon marketing and creating more content, I actually went into deep spiritual, personal and emotional crisis. I had more work to do. This kind of work never really goes away. I was back busily navigating the path again, trying to determine whether I had just succeeded or failed. (Jury is still out on that btw).

That sounds kind of excusey, I know (I just made up that word…he he, poetic licence and all that) which leads me to my second confession. I wanted to be able to find a way beyond blogging to help out. To provide some kind of teaching/healing/spiritual process that I can use to help connect to and support other like-minded souls, like you my lovely readers (And to provide myself with a source of income now that I don’t have one …What, you mean I don’t get paid for writing…shocker!) I am working on it…things are brewing, they just still need some more marinading time. Besides I’ve been too busy bingeing on Netflix, contemplating time travel and quantum physics, being a mum, observing the crazy world around, meditating and generally hanging about drinking cappuccino’s.

I have done one nice thing for you though. I have created this super cute PDF. It is a script for one of my Chakra Balancing Meditations. You can read it through and get yourself all nice and energetically balanced, plus I have put in a place for you to write your thoughts and feelings or draw some imagery…whatever comes up for you!Just sign up in that box over on the right there >>

So, for now, I’ll keep writing the occasional blog, because writing helps me a lot. Whether y’all read it or not. The process of putting my fingers on the keys and sorting through the thoughts in my mind and creating a piece of work really helps me navigate my life. So my work and service for now will remain in these words on the page. Next, I am going to work on some more personal/spiritual development stuff and make a new plan. Time swallow the red pill and re-enter The Matrix a see what comes up…and Oh No…Here comes a marketty bit (ha ha another ‘non-real’ word…just doing that ‘write like I talk’ thing).

If you have not read my books, I would love to invite you to do it….I have had a few people remind me lately that they are pretty good. So if you are in Australia and you click here you will go straight to the shop on my website. I can package up The Magic and The Mire and send it to you for a totally affordable $15 including shipping. (Or download an EBook for a measley $9.99 and you don’t even have to wait…nice!)

If you are not in Australia, you can still go to the website, but the shipping is more, so even easier, you can find me on Book Depository, or Amazon just click on the links, search Megan Freeland and voila, there I am.

Hey guys, it’s me. She of the erratic blog writing. I am back with my latest musings about how my life has looked lately.

The last few months have been totally crap, horrid and sucky. I got so very very lost. Honestly, I don’t really think I have found my way back entirely. But I can finally see the sun shining through the dark forest of tangled woods that has become my soul, and I have finally felt like a can take a deep cleansing breath again.

For folks like me, the pain of this world is suffocating, yet somehow intoxicating. The flow of its horribleness hypnotic. It will put you into a trance that pounds your mind with a magnetic pulsing litany of fear and doubt and struggle….I’ve been calling it ‘apathy addiction.’ Frozen in a state of abject disinterestedness, because to feel too far into the world around is to know true powerlessness.

When I set out on the journey to write, I was filled with the conviction of what I wanted to do. I had always wanted to write a book. I jumped into a vortex that lead me into a parallel dimension of life. I allowed myself to dive deeply into myself, my psyche and my subconscious. I literally held my life up for examination and shook the shit out of it. I love how writing makes me feel….I am rather bizarrely, inspired by my own writing. I know that sometimes it is complete drivel and crap…but sometimes, hidden in amongst it all, come moments of clarity and brilliance. And it is in those moments I feel like I am made whole. The swirling pieces of me and my vision of the world unite in a place of such perfection and purity that is sends my soul exploding around the universe, dancing among stars and breathing galaxies into being. The addiction and release of creative flow.

But, sometimes in the release, you find that shadow dance you entered so gracefully leaves you lost, blind and broken down again. I felt defeated and confused, because after I wrote my book, I didn’t know what to do. I got really lost in the noise of the new wild and wacky world that is the 20 teens. The rise of the entrepreneur. Of ‘live your life online’ and ‘be your own brand’ and sell your ‘self’ as a valuable commodity…seriously WTF is that. Frankly, I find that whole business rather demoralising and that it’s taking the ‘heart’ out of heartfelt, the ‘spirit’ out of spirituality and is ‘prising’ the sanity out of your mind in the name of free enterprise. A key understanding about healing through spirituality is that it is about connectedness. But no one wants real connection…unless it is over wifi.

So I gave up trying.

There is a real woman behind this blog, the book and facebook page. A very imperfect one. And my choice to try this new life, to give in to the yearning and the dreaming, has done some real things.

It released me and it set me free.

Certainly not into some magically whole and healed being…far from it. It has shown me, with ferocious and wrenching truth that the wounds of the abused are not truly able to be healed. The wounding is always a constant. The freedom comes from the acknowledgement of that…in my ability to accept it, and to not be convinced that I will never feel the wrench of its pain again. There is no pretence and pretending that I can meditate, write, sing or dance it away. And I can’t drink it or drug it to death either. I can just truly know it as a part of who I am. I can understand how it has shaped me into the person that I am. And I can be grateful for the things it forced me to learn about myself, life and the universe.

Now, I can openly say, yes I am this person with this anxiety and these depressive tendencies.

I can be angry at the disgusting foul state of humanity and the depravity of the evil side of human nature. I can know that I will be overwhelmed and lost and frankly that it just who I am. This exists as the part of who I am because I was abused. And it is the visceral experience of this darkness that makes my life one filled with colours that are somehow more vibrant and sounds that are louder, and feelings that are far too intense. So, I must cry the tears that I don’t want to shed, because I they make me feel weak and stuck in a past I wished I could erase, but without them I am not the woman who can cry tears because I truly understand and accept that the abused little girl in me will always be the part of me that is the voice of my anger, confusion and overwhelm. She is my humanity. She is my empathy. She is the part of me that connects me to life…she is the light in the dark side of me.

I am the human part of my being as much as I am the spiritual part. And the reality is that often I am more so the sad lost human part. The spiritual part of me, though, eventually charges in on a white unicorn and leads me back to the whole and balanced place where I can rest peacefully and I may even have a sing and a dance while I’m there.

We are all fighting a battle of some kind, right. My logical and rational nature fight with my divine and spiritual nature constantly. My vast creative imagination fights with the reality of daily drudgery. My willingness fights my apathy…..and these are my two great foes.

The will to keep going

The will to overcome

The will to find out if life is worth it

The will to seek more answers

The will to seek more knowledge

The will to start something new

The will to let go of pain and hurt

The will to change my mind

The will to let go

The will to be willing to try…..

I struggle endlessly with humanity itself. As a species, we are completely flawed and broken too. And I cannot fix or save it (and a lot of my anxiety stems from wondering if it is even worth saving or any kind of effort to bother trying.) Because humanity is divinity and evil co-existing in a physical manifestation. Any attempt to divide and conquer is futile. Light will not conquer dark and dark will not conquer light. They exist only because of each other.

That is the essence of what I have learned of late….a deep deep lesson. The willingness to choose. Yes, we all have choices, but we must be willing to make them. I chose to live as the woman who is not defeated by her abuse and strives to find a way to live better with it. Not ashamed or in hiding, but with the acceptance that I am a completely flawed human being and my spiritual connection saves my life and keeps me sane. It is not a saleable commodity. It is my soul’s wisdom.

When you are not willing to look away and look inside and remember your own worth, the goodness and the love in your heart, life becomes a tragedy. Melancholy rules and forgetfulness takes up residence. Acceptance of this state is the only way I can bring peace to myself. Acceptance that only through a state of balance will we find that state of peace and equilibrium we so desperately seek in the here and now of this life.

Accept the good. Accept the bad.

Choose to try to change what is out of balance for you, but do not fall into the apathy that tells you that it is not worth the effort of trying because there will be no winner or loser.

Seek not to conquer or win, seek only what brings you peace from within.

I am restless and weepy and sad and done with this human being life stuff. Be warned…this blog is a part whinge and part feeling sorry for myself today, but this past month has been one of those ‘That’s it, I give up!!’ kind of months.

I feel like a big fat fraud because I literally just launched my book and now I am having drama with the publication of it, so it and I, have gone into a limbo state. It was the biggest bravest thing I have ever done, only to have it feel like I have to keep fighting for its ability to exist. It is like it doesn’t want to be here….even though it already raised $1200 at it’s launch for my chosen charity ‘Restoring Hope” (I know, how good is that, really!)

I wanted to contribute something meaningful to the world, but instead of feeling like the world is grateful for my bravery and contribution, it is just saying…..like, whatever, no one cares lady, who the &*#$ do you think you are anyway.

Today, this month, it just feels too hard. I keep asking myself so many questions this month (wait til you see my new ‘question’ blog…it’s a doozie). The BIG question I am grappling with the most right now is….Why the hell did you write that book??

(I wrote it because it was healing for me…not because I wanted to be a famous author

I wrote it because people said it would help other people…and it really really can.

I wrote it because I felt like the universe itself was trying to push me into doing it.

Cause, now, I am supposed to turn myself into a marketing machine, a self publishing guru, an internet and social media expert, a speaker, a PR person, an ‘authority’, an ‘expert’. I have to keep creating content and make the world try to notice me! Hang on, I just wanted to write stuff!

(Oh, and I am worth noticing, by the way. I’m a pretty nice, cool, funny, interesting, intelligent person. I have had stuff to deal with in my life and I have a way of figuring things out and making sense of that stuff. I have had some really full on stuff happen to me to. Stuff that made me wake up and go ‘Whoa, there’s some stuff going on that I need to understand…you know, energy, spirituality, freedom, rights, empowerment..Stuff like that.)

But then I get days like today(months like last month.) Today is like Throwback Thursday, except Thursday is my entire past. The way that my life has pretty much always been. Full of tension, anxiety and fear. I live with an impending sense of doom. It’s a bit like I am about to get caught doing something REALLY bad and I am going to get into HUGE trouble.

My whole life is like that. Constantly feeling like I am about to get caught out being a BAD BAD girl.

I turned 45 the other day, and you know what; I still spend most of my days trying not to do the wrong thing or say the wrong thing. I always feel like something is going to go wrong and I will be to blame for it. I will be accused of some evil thing or some irresponsible thing or some humiliating thing. Or that everyone will suddenly realise I am not a valid person, I don’t deserve to be alive or that they don’t really like me or…..I don’t know, just bbbllllleeeerrrrrkkkkk!

This is the reality of living with anxiety, depression and PTSD. It is the reality of living life as an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse, but trying to be the best version of you at the same time. In the midst of changing my life into something pretty and shiny and meaningful, I constantly battle the part of me that didn’t want to do it in the first place.

Because you know that all those things I just said, about being a caught out, or doing or saying the wrong thing; being a BAD girl; that is all the little girl who was abused still ruling (and ruining) my emotional landscape.We battle to be in charge, and a lot of the time, she wins. Her fear is stronger than my knowledge.

I battle that constant need to run away, to surrender, to give up. I get angry when I feel myself failing and then angrier for letting the victim-hood sneak back in and make me feel crappy all over again. I tell myself that I just wrote this awesome book all about how to ‘thrive’ in your life, how you can heal your terrible childhood bruises, that it is all a part of a divine challenge for your soul and that you can become more whole and empowered by entering into the darkness and learning its depths and wisdom…..until suddenly I am scared again

Scared of being noticed, scared of NOT being noticed. Scared of having a voice and using my voice. Scared of what happens after that. What if it’s nothing, what if it’s something, what if it is everything? Scared about ‘What do I do now.”

Anxiety bbbblllleeerrrkkkk!! Even when I KNOW better…..

I KNOW that our pain and suffering teach us about ourselves.

I KNOW that I am wiser and stronger for not hiding from it

I KNOW I can cope with its tricks

I KNOW it will pass

But, I also KNOW:

It sucks when it is here.

It doesn’t actually ever really go away entirely.

It will always find a new way to trick me, hurt me and confuse me.

Confound me, compound me and astound me.

But…this is life, as a human being.

That’s why I looked for different ways, different options and different perspectives.

Cause it has never made sense to me…this being a human being business.

In this world of awakened consciousness it seems like every day there are new modalities, healings, processes and methods of ‘shedding your shit’, ‘manifesting abundance’ or ‘revealing your greater being.’ We are being promised that with ‘hard work’ and ‘dedication’ to self improvement, we can reach higher and higher states of awarenessand empowerment.

But what if you are already pretty self aware. What if you have done a lot of inner work already and what if one of these methods is in fact very much the wrong method for you?

Most practitioners are well meaning, trained in their chosen method and wholeheartedly believe that they are there for your well being. But often there are ahidden percentage of people for whom the work can be damaging. Their disclaimers of not being therapists, lawyers, doctors etc, essentially means there is an element to the work that can potentially be harmful, or else why the disclaimer? Of course the answer is that they can’t be responsible for how an individual may react, misinterpret or fail to complete the ‘work’ or ‘course’ or ‘process’.

I write this today as a veteran of the self help world who has had some bad experiences. For example, I undertook a process once that was designed to show me the benefits and gains of my most desired and despised traits and show me how to bring equilibrium to my life. Halt the fantasies that are stopping me from achieving my greatest life and become grateful for the shadow aspects of my being.

Now let me say, I think that the premise is a valid one. I am a huge advocate of understanding the importance of the shadow side of life and see our existence as a manifestation of these energetic principles. The laws of quantum physics. I am there. I get it.

What I am not ‘there’ for is the potential damage that comes from the brutality of any mentally torturous process that is delivered on the premise that we are ‘re-writing our neural pathways’. The concept of being forced into a ‘collapse’ so that you can‘re-awaken’ in gratitude is the stuff of brainwashing and cults. Being told that in order to evolve and discover our greatest selves, we must divest ourselves of the death grip of our subconscious mind and see ourselves as mindless robots that are in a loop of a reactionary/stationary drive because we are so locked inside our programming may indeed be a great theory. But, and it is a BIG but; it is how we then decide we should try to change that programming that becomes a crucial decision. If you are on the personal development road, collapsing is something we can do all on our own, without the help of any other red hot pokers to antagonise us.

Once I again I will say that some of this stuff is true. We do need to wrestle with our subconscious and rewire our neural pathways. It is possible and it is beneficial. My point is aboutthe way that this is done. Each individual needs to know for themselves the best way to challenge the shadows and dark of their lives. If, like me, you suffered some trauma and in particular you have ever been seriously suicidal, I encourage you to be very very cautious about allowing yourself to be subjected to so-called healing methods that put you through a brutal and torturous mental process.

I learnt a few years ago something that I didn’t really know before I began my healing journey (in fact was so scared by the fact that I thought that healing would be a torturous journey I did not want to start) But, healing can be gentle. You are allowed to use gentle methods. Methods which are loving, enlightening and nurturing. It doesn’t mean there won’t be tears and sadness or that you won’t feel angry, even enraged as you walk along transformations path. But you have choices.

Look, you may be the type who is prepared to swing on the frayed rope over the pit of tar and snakes, to reach the jagged cliffs on the other side. You might then climb with bloodied feet ready to battle the fire breathing dragon who is blocking the path to your own souls enlightenment, only to reach the top, triumphant, the first to raise your fist as the king or queen of mighty self empowerment. Congratulations, you are the cleverest of clever super-powered personal development ninja’s…but are you sure you even know what you just did, how you even got there and if any of it is going to last?

Maybe, you are more like me, prepared to take the slow walk around the valley, discovering the hidden secrets of self and gently exploring each region, happy to arrive at my destination with my two feet on the ground, full of knowledge and wisdom, feeling peaceful as I sit in the gentle shining light of my own version of self empowerment.

Maybe before you sign up for your next seminar or workshop, you should stop and decide if you really truly need it, or if you already have the answers you need inside of you. If you are a follower of mine you will know what I think….meditate on it first.

Maybe you just need to take a long walk in the sunshine, feel into the moment and realise that you are actually ok as you are right now. You are enough. The only thing you are not enough of, is secure in your idea of what enough ‘you’ looks like to everyone else. And you know what, sometimes I say….screw ‘em, I am fine with me just the way I AM.

I now have the Introduction to the book ready for you to read for free, so you can click here to enter youremail address and get the free chapter emailed straight to your inbox….and if you are inspired by it, you can pre-order the book now….it will be available very very soon!

I am excited to announce that I am supporting Restoring Hope, an Australian charity who support children and young people affected by sexual abuse.

My husband I have been using the phrase cognitive dissonance a lot lately. Simply put, cognitive dissonance means that our beliefs and our behaviour do not match up.

Scott came across the phrase recently in relation to taking guitar lessons. The guitar teacher, in his blog, said that he was the one at fault if he couldn’t get you through the ‘cognitive dissonant’ phase of learning to play. So it meant that when you reach the point in your practice where you feel defeated, like it is all just too hard, you are likely to give up. That is the moment everything hinges on. Your belief (and value set) is that you want to learn to play the guitar, but it takes a radical change in behaviour to achieve it. You have to push past the frustrations and disappointments that you are not immediately the next Eric Clapton (sorry babe….you are not there yet 🙁 ). It also means you have to sacrifice time to practice. It’s an uncomfortable feeling. You want it, but you have to change yourself and your behaviour in order to get it.

It is a phenomenon that is also particular to spiritual work. I think it is something that you experience when you begin along the path of spiritual transformation. (Sometimes it is just when you start to grow up, as well ) First, you have to question your belief systems, which is not something people are inclined to do without some kind of catalyst. Often the onset of a spiritual change is sparked by trauma or tragedy. Perhaps the reason for that is because it takes something significant to shift us out of our comfort zone. Our beliefs keep us safe and comfortable. It is only when something happens that makes us question those beliefs that we take them out and have a good hard look at them. And this can be the moment we enter the shadow world.

Welcome to spiritual transformation. Spiritual transformation is the journey into the deep dark world of the human psyche. Cognitive dissonance is like the herald call in bones that signals we are on the path to change. It may beckon the much written about ‘dark night of the soul’. We are about to withdraw into our soul and meet loneliness head on. As the structure of our beliefs begin to crumble, we feel a sense of disconnect from the world around us. We feel isolated, misunderstood and often in this time, unable to express exactly what it is that is stirring within our hearts and minds.

When this kind of experience arrives on our lives we are being offered a choice. I believe we are being given the opportunity for spiritual growth. It can look very much like depression, this place. I call this place spiritual depression*.

Now I am going to say to you that this is about love. But what is love really. Love brings the notion of romantic love. Kisses and hugs and walks on the beach. Sex even. But self love, spiritual love, divine love is something else. It is all of those things too…love of a partner, love of a child, love of a pet. But it is also that feeling you get when you breathe the fresh cool air at the bottom of a waterfall, or the sensation you get when you stand on a mountaintop or you look up at the stars in the sky and wonder in awe. It is the laugh that bursts from you in a moment of pure joy and amusement. That is love. It is an essence of life.

Free flowing and stillness, both.

This is your soul. Your soul is questing always to connect to you, but it strives to find a way to emerge through your humanly ego. There is such a depth of complexity around being a human being.

There are layers. Things we know and things we sense. Things that are conscious and so many that aren’t. Cognitive dissonance is your soul disrupting your ego and trying to move it toward a better expression and understanding of itself.

Spiritual depression is when we are so lost in confusion around how we cannot understand the world around us and how very wrong what we are experiencing as life, differs from the purity that our soul knows to be truth. The soul yearns for freedom from deeply held social niceties, cultural anomalies and moral degradation. Spiritual depression itself takes us deeply into the psyche of the human ego and gives us a dwelling time. A time of sorting through the files of our lives; a reordering of things. We are on a quest for purpose and meaning. Working out our own personal truth, and re-emerging in a new way of being.

I have experience it many times in my life. I have experienced and been diagnosed with Clinical Depression also (and PTSD and BPD and panic attacks, like I said, life is complex). But I find that as I undertook to live more aligned with spiritual truths, committed to meditation practices, energy clearing and positive expression, like writing, I was better able to manage these episodes. I also fully accept that the shadow is a major part of the whole picture. As I accept this part and look to it for its own meanings and lessons, life becomes more of likethe cycleof the phoenix. My physical being rising from the embers of the fire of destruction, changed through to the depths of my cells and DNA, yet reborn its own image withmy soul bigger brighter and stronger.