Chapter 3 – Fighting depression

So July started on a happy note for us. I remember the Knight driving to the University to get all his documents and certificates. Back at home he gave them to our daughter and told her to bring them to his mother. He ended up having to gently shove her there, because being only one and a half years old she had no clue what he wanted her to do and would much rather try to tear the funny paper apart.

However, when some great burden is lifted from your shoulders after a long time, what comes after the first relieve s often a felling of profound emptiness.

A few days after receiving his degree, it happened to the Knight. He would lie on the the couch for hours, talking about how meaningless this achievement was, how he was still worthless and too old to find a decent job. May initial reaction was anger, because I had gifted him with this graduation and now he wanted to throw it away, saying it meant nothing. But I also had to put myself in his place, understand him. For years, he has had an excuse for not getting his life sorted out, a promise to the future that everything will be better once he would finally get up and get the job done.And now it had been done. I knew this state well: it is the disappointment that hits people when they realize that school has been the easy part and life is cruel and competitive. I have seen it in many of my friends from University.

I also know that the Knight is prone to depression, just like me. I have been there, living a life where even the smallest deeds feel exhausting, where all your movement seems hamered, as if the air around you was some sluggish goo confining you to your couch or bed or chair where you can savor your agony. The last thing you need is someone to support your pity, otherwise you will dwell on your miserable state forever. You need to get up and get things changed. And if you can’t do it yourself, you need someone else to do it for you.The Knight needed a job and I would damn well find one for him.

Besides, money was getting scarce and I needed something to do, otherwise I would break down just as he did. In difficult times, leadership is my sanctuary.

firelily

I am the nice girl who's always smiling. I am "the red haired girl" and "the girl with the braid". There are two men in my life. They are so different from each other that one could never replace the other. I love both.

@ Lynn / savedbygrace: Thank you for your kind words. I am only strong or wise when I have to be for my loved ones’ sake. Strip away my sense of responsibility, and you are left with a little girl having no clue herself.