We Asked Men Why They Pull the Slow Fade, and Here's What They Said

Ah, the dreaded slow fade. Or maybe I should change that "ah" to "ahhhhh," because this dating phenomenon is so frustrating it might make you want to shriek a bit, drive yourself to a women's convent, and renounce men for good. Some ladies are lucky enough to never experience a guy backing away in such a bit-by-bit manner that it's hard to notice at first. But if you've dealt with this before, you know how it goes: Everything is moving along swimmingly until you realize the guy you're dating isn't calling as much. Or maybe he happens to be busy every time you suggest a date. Or he's stopped sending you pictures of adorable interspecies animal friendships. Whatever the case may be, he's pulling the slow fade. I went straight to the source to find out why. First of all, clearly women can do this too. And I think a slow fade is fine if you've been on one or two dates. But if you're actually starting to see each other more regularly, or have had sex? Not cool. Now that that's cleared up, let's get to the bottom of it! When I asked one friend about the thinking behind

Ah, the dreaded slow fade. Or maybe I should change that "ah" to "ahhhhh," because this dating phenomenon is so frustrating it might make you want to shriek a bit, drive yourself to a women's convent, and renounce men for good. Some ladies are lucky enough to never experience a guy backing away in such a bit-by-bit manner that it's hard to notice at first. But if you've dealt with this before, you know how it goes: Everything is moving along swimmingly until you realize the guy you're dating isn't calling as much. Or maybe he happens to be busy every time you suggest a date. Or he's stopped sending you pictures of adorable interspecies animal friendships. Whatever the case may be, he's pulling the slow fade. I went straight to the source to find out why.

You can usually judge people by the company they keep. If every last one of his friends gives you a sleazy vibe, trust your gut.

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First of all, clearly women can do this too. And I think a slow fade is fine if you've been on one or two dates. But if you're actually starting to see each other more regularly, or have had sex? Not cool.

Now that that's cleared up, let's get to the bottom of it! When I asked one friend about the thinking behind pulling a slow fade instead of straight-up ending things, he said, "Guys are scared to disappoint, slash they want to keep all options on the table." It basically amounts to wanting to have their cake and eat it too. "When a guy does this, he wants the possibility to bounce back even after fade. Clearly saying he's no longer interested rules that out," he said.

Another corroborated this, adding that "guys do this so they don't have to deal with awkward situations or conversations. It stems from either laziness or fear, depending on the guy." He was quick to clarify that he's never done it, because he's always just been honest about what he wants. Yes, it takes balls (or ovaries), but I think it's worth it to avoid hurt feelings and confusion.

A different guy friend who has actually used this move calls it "confrontation aversion." Sums it up pretty well, I'd say. "I think everyone would rather ease on the brakes than screech to a halt," he explained. "Also, in my personal experience, when I slow fade I feel like I'm giving the girl a chance to do the same. Theoretically it should be mutual, so if she goes along with the fade, that's best. You won't know if she wants a nonconfrontational fade unless you try it first."

The problem I have with this is that women are so often told we can't be real about our feelings because then we'll seem needy. Friends and I have gone along with a slow fade, staying silent when we really just want to know WTF is going on. Part of that is definitely on us; I'm happy to say those days of not speaking up for myself are far behind me. But guys also know they can get away with the fade a lot of the time, so they just give it a shot. It's an annoying cycle that everyone plays into, and I'm casting my vote to put this move to bed.

Why do you think guys pull the slow fade? Has it ever happened to you before? How did you react?