About Me

I'm a married momma of 2 funny and active boys - one very talkative 9 year old (the kid, born Feb '06), and one busy 5 year old (baby E, born Sept '10). I'm also a social worker with an unusual amount of knowledge about pregnancy for someone who's never experienced it firsthand. This blog is the telling of my journey to and through motherhood, with some sarcasm thrown in.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Conflicted

I'm so conflicted. Part of me is terrified that R will take "my" baby. I bristle whenever she sends a text asking "how's my lil guy?". I think "he's OUR lil guy, not yours!!". I'm afraid to tell her because she could still take him back, if that's what she decided she wants to do. (Note: I don't *think* she will, but, until that paperwork says she has no right to him, I will not feel safe.) And, after all, he is still her "lil guy". Heck, she will always be baby E's first mother. And I want her to love him, even if it scares the crap out of me.

The other part of me feels so much empathy for R. The struggle, the pain, the grief. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My heart hurts for her, for the loss she's experiencing. I look at baby E, thinking of losing him, and experience a fraction of the pain she's feeling. Then she sends another text referring to him as "ours" (as in all of ours) and tells me how hard it is not knowing everything that's happening to him all day. Should I inundate her with details about his life? Would that help her at all? Should I give her the bare minimum? I just don't know. I can't imagine not knowing every detail of his life right now. But, if she had taken him back, I don't know that knowing all those details would help me.

All of this, I think is part of navigating open adoption. There are no hard and fast rules, no absolutes, no automatic right answers. There is only trying to do what we think is best for everyone involved. There is only trying to do what is truly in E's best interest. And, what's just hit me, is best for E, is for us to have the best relationship possible with R. So, I'll go back again to SW101 - R gets to decide what she needs. And I - we - will simply do the best we can with that, remembering that she will always be important to baby E, to us, and we need to trust and respect that.

Today's lesson - cloth diapering is just as easy as disposables! You totally should try it. We've only had 4 diapers leaks since he was born, and only 1 was cloth. It's been an extra load of laundry every other day, but that's totally manageable. Also, baby E's circumcision is totally healed up already and I think it has to do with the cloth diapers. We love cloth diapers!!