Wednesday, July 30, 2008

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push."Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" She asks

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

So the man gets dressed and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

----A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day and said, "Lord, I would like to know what Heaven and Hell are like."The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors and the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table.In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious and made the holy man's mouth water. The people sitting around the table were thin and sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms and each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew and take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths.The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery and suffering.The Lord said, "You have seen Hell."They went to the next room and opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large round table with the large pot of stew which made the holy man's mouth water. The people were equipped with the same long-handled spoons, but here the people were well nourished and plump, laughing and talking.The holy man said, "I don't understand."It is simple," said the Lord. "It requires but one skill. You see they have learned to feed each other, while the greedy think only of themselves."

Saturday, July 26, 2008

* The 345 billion Oreo cookies sold to date would fill up the world's largest freight train, consisting of 660 freight cars, more than 45 times.* The St. Louis Arch (630 feet) is 15,120 Oreo cookies high.* The Golden Gate Bridge (4,200 feet) is 28,800 Oreo cookies long.* If every Oreo cookie ever made were stacked on top of each other (more than 345 billion...), the pile would reach to the moon and back more than five times. Then again, if placed side-by-side, they would encircle the earth 381 times at the equator.* If all the OREO cookies sold to date were stacked on top of each other, the height of the stack would be equivalent to the height of 9.8 million Sears Towers. The Sears Tower is 1,454 feet tall.* In order to keep up with this voluminous demand, the Oreo cookie recipe calls for 18 million pounds of cocoa and 47 million pounds of creme filling. An Oreo cookie is 29% creme, 71% cookie* The Oreo cookie has been America's most popular cookie since it was introduced in 1912. More than 345 billion Oreo cookies have been consumed to date. More than 7.5 billion Oreo cookies are consumed each year, which comes out to 625 million per month and 20.5 million per day.* The floral design on the oreo cookie consists of 12 flowers per side.* There are 9 varieties of Oreos (as of 7/02): Original, Mini, Chocolate Creme, Chocolate Creme Mini, Reduced Fat, Oreo Double Stuf, Fudge Covered, Fudge Mint Covered, & Double Delight (PB and Chocolate)

Friday, July 25, 2008

In "olden days" personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a result, many people developed acne scars by adulthood.

The women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to stare at another woman's face she was told, "mind your own bee's wax." Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a smile." In addition, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt. Therefore, we have the expression "losing face."

Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what the people considered important. Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs, and bars. They were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have the term "gossip."

Thursday, July 24, 2008

A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably coifed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary. After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready. As he maneuvered his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window. "I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy. "Mr. Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait." "That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied."Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged ... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. "It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.” Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away. Just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board was folded down from the wall and used for dining.

The "head of the household" always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Once in a while, a guest (who was almost always a man) would be invited to sit in this chair during a meal.

To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. Sitting in the chair, one was called the "chair man."

Today in business we use the expression or title "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board."

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?""Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.""That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.Was it heaven ? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man ?Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.The aged and withered hand, shaking, made his way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife."Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Many years ago, common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "ace of Spades."To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead.Yet, since most games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year!(May and October) Women kept their hair covered, while men shaved theirheads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could affordgood wigs made from wool. The wigs couldn't be washed, so to clean themthey could carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence theterm "big wig." Today we often use the term "here comes the Big Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.

In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image waseither sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were to be painted. Arms and legs are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost the buyer more. Hence the expression: "Okay, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg."

APHORISM: A Short, Pointed Sentence Expressing A Wise Or Clever Observation Or A General Truth; Adage

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. Like this: It could be a right number.13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)18. Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.19. After 50 if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

'I Hope You Dance... 'This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend.Dear Bertha,I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries.I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank."Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favorite food was.I'm guessing; I'll never know.It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them. I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives.And every morning when I open my eyes, tell myself that it is special.Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance!

In April, Maya Angelou was interviewed by Oprah on her 70+ birthday. Oprah asked her what she thought of growing older.

And, there on television, she said it was "exciting."

Regarding body changes, she said there were many, occurring every day...like her breasts.They seem to be in a race to see which will reach her waist, first.The audience laughed so hard they cried. She is such a simple and honest woman, with so much wisdom in her words!

Maya Angelou said this:"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.""I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.""I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.""I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life'.""I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.""I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back.""I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.""I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.""I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.""I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.""I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Word Play:One two-letter English word has a ridiculous number of meanings.It's easy to understand UP, meaning higher, but why do we wake UP every morning?Why do meeting topics come UP?Why do we speak UP?Why are officers UP for election?Why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?We call UP friends, brighten UP rooms, polish UP silver, warm UP leftovers, and clean UP kitchens. We lock UP our house.We open UP a store in the morning and close it UP at night.Some guys fix UP old cars.People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP appetites, and think UP excuses.It's special to get dressed UP, yet if a drain gets stopped UP, it must be opened UP.When it threatens to rain, it clouds UP, yet when the sun comes out it clears UP.Rain wets UP the earth but when it doesn't rain things dry UP.To learn about the uses of UP, look UP UP in a dictionary; its definition takes UP half a page, adding UP to thirty or more definitions.If you feel UP to it, build UP a list of its many uses.It will take UP a lot of time, but if you don't give UP, you may well wind UP with over a hundred.I could go on and on, but my time is UP, so I'll wrap it UP before I'm told to shut UP!

Remember the original Hollywood Squares and its personalities & comics? These leading questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.

Q. Do female frogs croak?A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo magazine, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hand while talking?A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend.The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house.The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live.The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so she was enjoying herself immensely!As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband. He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment.Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts.Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny. He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up?

Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer!She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value.A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?"Look at it" he said. "Read what it says."She read the words " United States of America ""No, not that; read further.""One cent?""No, keep reading.""In God we Trust?""Yes!""And?""And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it!God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS still in God at that moment.I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him.For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me.Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change.I read the words, "In God We Trust," and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message.It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful!And, God is patient...

A few years ago a group of salesmen went to a regional sales convention in Chicago. They had assured their wives that they would be homein plenty of time for Friday night's dinner. In their rush, with tickets andbriefcases, one of these salesmen inadvertently kicked over a table whichheld a display of apples.Apples flew everywhere. Without stopping or looking back, they all managed to reach the plane intime for their nearly missed boarding.All but one. He paused, took a deep breath, got in touch with his feelings, and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned.He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye, told one of them to call his wife when they arrived at their home destination and explain his taking a later flight.Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor. He was glad he did.The 16-year-old girl was totally blind! She was softly crying, tears running down her cheeks in frustration, and at the same time helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her, no one stopping and no one to care for her plight.The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, put them back on the table and helped organize her display. As he did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised; these he set aside in another basket.When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl, "Here,please take this $40 for the damage we did. Are you okay?" She nodded through her tears. He continued on with, "I hopewe didn't spoil your day too badly."As the salesman started to walk away,the bewildered blind girl called out to him, "Mister....." He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes.She continued, "Are you Jesus?"He stopped in mid-stride, and he wondered. Then slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about in his soul: "Are you Jesus?"Do people mistake you for Jesus? That's our destiny, is it not? To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference as we live and interact with a world (shopping, working, reacting to others that are serving us) that is blind to His love, life and grace. If we claim to know Him , we should live, walk and act as He would. Knowing Him is more than simply quoting Scripture and going to church. It's actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day.You are the apple of His eye even though we, too, have been bruised by a fall. He stopped what He was doing and picked you and me up on a hill called Calvary and paid in full for our damaged fruit. Let us live like we are worth the price He paid.Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind ofbattle."

A man was exploring caves by the seashore. In one of the caves hefound a canvas bag with a bunch of hardened clay balls. It was like someone had rolled clay balls and left them out in the sun to bake. They didn't look like much, but they intrigued the man, so he took thebag out of the cave with him.As he strolled along the beach, he would throw the clay balls one at a time out into the ocean as far as he could. He thought little about it, until he dropped one of the clayballs and it cracked open on a rock. Inside was a beautiful, precious stone! Excited, the man started breaking open the remaining clay balls. Each contained a similar treasure. He found thousands of dollars worth ofjewels in the 20 or so clay balls he had left.Then it struck him. He had been on the beach a long time. He had thrown maybe 50 or 60 of the clay balls with their hidden treasure into the ocean waves. Thousands of dollars in treasure, he could have taken home tens of thousands, but he had just thrown it away!

It's like that with people. We look at someone, maybe even ourselves,and we see the external clay vessel. It doesn't look like much from theoutside. It isn't always beautiful or sparkling, so we discount it. We see that person as less important than someone more beautiful orstylish or well known or wealthy. But we have not taken the time tofind the treasure hidden inside that person. There is a treasure in each one of us. If we take the time to get toknow that person, and if we ask God to show us that person the way hesees them, then the clay begins to peel away and the brilliant gem begins to shine forth. May we not come to the end of our lives and find out that we have thrown away a fortune in friendships because the gems were hidden inbits of clay. May we see the people in our world as God sees them. I am so blessed by the gems of friendship I have with each of you.Thank you for looking beyond my clay vessel.

Audrey Hepburn:For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms.As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.

John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, 'If I were any better, I would be twins!'He was a natural motivator.If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, 'I don't get it!You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?'He replied, 'Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or .... You can choose to be in a bad mood; I choose to be in a good mood.'Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it..Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.'Yeah, right, it's not that easy,' I protested. 'Yes, it is,' he said. 'Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life.'I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.I saw him about six months after the accident.When I asked him how he was, he replied, 'If I were any better, I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars?'I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.'The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter,' he replied. 'Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or....I could choose to die. I chose to live.''Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?' I askedHe continued, '..the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action.''What did you do?' I asked. 'Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,' said John. 'She asked if I was allergic to anything 'Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'.' Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.' He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34.