Had a burst up with a guy at work on wednesday and it got me 'way up there' and i just cant get back down? We're all on speaking terms now but its still not right with me. I used to have construction site jobs were i was only employed because i could argue the case for my company and its sometimes incompetent employees but now i just dont like being ruffled.

Plus my kids forgot my belly button birthday on thursday, that was just the icing on the cake. That hurt but its all down to my expectations. I should be grateful they speak to me today the way i treated them. Plus they both have there own families today to look after.

I think all this stress causes a chemical reaction in me, my legs hurt and i aint been jogging or nothing? And tonight even though i'm edgy i dont feel like i'm going explode or anything its the exact opposite, i feel i'm gonna implode?

Done a meeting tonight but i got there late and it ran over time and i hardly got a minute to speak about it.

So now everyone gets on my nerves so i stay away from the human race and end up isolating myself from the world. And thats just where my illness likes me, on my own with only my head to defend myself with. This same sick head that got me into all the trouble in the 1st place.

Gonna call my sponsor tomorrow, its too late now. Called him today but he was busy at work. Should have called him wednesday when all this started but thats one of my main defects. I'll go to any lengths to help another alcoholic but i always wait till my ass catches fire before i'll lift a phone to help myself.

So thats my rant over for tonight, its getting late and i'm going to sleep in the spare room. My wife criticised me earlier and you dont do that to me when i'm like this.

And thanks for being there, you guys mean a lot to me, even in the good times.

During my early months of sobriety -- I had made a list of all the things that I enjoyed the most -- when I was a kid.

I was/ I am, one of those kids -- that skipped and dropped out of childhood, and had to grow up too fast. So, I decided that I was going to go back and do the things that kids do, like: riding my bike, going camping, going to Disneyland, playing at the beach, etceteras.

And, I decided to add to my kid-list -- all the things that I wanted to do, but had never done.

Outside of the 12 Steps, and socializing with other people, the kid stuff was probably the best thing I ever did for myself. It's kind of like when we do a gratitude list -- and how good we feel after doing it. I began to genuinely appreciate myself and life -- in a positive and healthy way.

Then, when I acquired the ability to be more responsible and accountable, I got me a puppy! Having a puppy has been probably the best thing I ever did -- outside of having a sponsor. They've helped me to become more emotionally stable and taught me to be more tolerant of other things and beings, and to not take stuff in life too serious.

Wow... and now? I've got a couple of grandkids -- and I'm fully qualified to relate to them and to show them how to be a kid!

During some of the times that I got extremely disturbed at big people... to the point where I was dangerously way over the line at being angry and disturbed w/ them -- where I was likely to punch one in the nose (or worse)... and, it seemed like the 83-88 Formula was not kicking in fast enough and thorough enough -- I'd LITERALLY go back w/ pen & paper & do a full blown 4th Step Inventory on the individual person... precisely following the instructions for it in Step 4.... which is what we're encouraged to do in Step 10 (when one of those really in-depth reviews becomes necessary). Of course, I don't do one of the full blown Four's every day... because I rarely get to one of those extreme experiences.

The one really good thing -- about getting really ticked off at someone (for me) is: it FORCES me back into those Steps into a level with much more depth and weight to it. It helps me keep practiced and helps to keep me in shape.

I thank God, that I don't have to do push ups!

Can you imagine having to drop down and do 500 push ups for every time we get angry? I'll bet that would change our perceptions so much that we'd never get angry again!

I don't control my emotions with the steps, God manages them for me, he takes away my anger/resentments/fear when i put it on paper as the BB outlines in chapter 5. Why wouldn't an alkie/addict not get depressed or angry, the root cause of my disease is selfcenteredness/selfishness, and my symptoms of it are anger/resentments/depression/fears. As long as i live i will have these emotions, but i don't stay in them as long because of God.

As far as the pink cloud goes, i'm glad the old timers warned me about falling off because for me to think i would stay on it all the time is fantasy. Life has ups and downs and i'd be a fool to think i can feel good all the time plus that is my illness, having to feel good all the time. It's better to feel good than bad, but it's infinitely better to to not think about how i feel or worry about how i feel, at least it is for me.My whole life before i got to AA all i cared about was pinkclouding it-feeling good all the time, now my life revolves about what i can do for others-regardless of how i feel.

Interestingly enough -- right before I read it, I was reflecting on "I've had a few difficult back-to-back days recently. Isn't it amazing how newcomers look at us, and they never even get a clue to some of the massive problems that we face each day in sobriety. They see us w/ the smiles on our faces. The gleam in our eyes. Our enthusiasm and our good nature. And our humor. It probably never occurs to them that we daily face the same or similar problems that they face, and we do it sober." I do know that's true because -- I was once a newcomer and that's exactly what I did.

"Oh yeah! It's easy for you Mr./Ms. Old-Timer!" LOL. If they only knew.

I really got a lot out of what you shared above. Thank you! It was perfectly what I needed to be reading this morning and the message was so appropriate for me. I appreciate you!Dallas