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Where have I gone?

Into a cave somewhere in the swamp of sorrows to hide from people and the world in general.

Since I last posted my world has been turned upside down again, and so I have basically not been able to get online – nor have I even had the inclination in all honesty.

This is a very long post but I wanted it here as a reminder of my WoW life. Feel free to have a gander.

The guild, had our first raid ..last week? or the week before? I can’t remember now – all the days blur into one. Sadly, it was the straw that broke the camels back for the GM and I to keep our delicate balance happening.

We had been trying so hard to get this guild up and hoping everyone would be ready for our first raid (which kept being moved – 3 weeks in fact), a couple of members weren’t due to their time splitting between alliance and horde and their own personal lives. That is a long story as well, suffice it to say, I felt they should have been dedicating more time to horde side with us and honoring their commitment that they wanted to raid with us. We also had someone else late that night, which meant I had to pug 3 people – one of each role. This annoyed me because well, 7/10 is not a guild run and we had to take pugs which are always an unknown quality.

When we finally get in there and are ready to start, I ask who has read the fights/watched videos – and only one person says they watched a video and one person said they had absolutely no idea.

This of course meant the entire group decided they all had to speak up at once. I called for quite on vents…in fact… I think I said “everyone shut up so i can explain…stop stop stop talking!!!” The GM backed me up and asked for quiet as well, calling out specific people – more because he could recognize their voices than for any other reason.

Well that one line caused me more heartache than I can even begin to explain, suffice it to say tour tank (and friend) told the GM to eat a dick and then refused to talk on vents or respond to the GM for the rest of the night. As anyone who has done the 3 dogs knows, you need to be talking through the swaps, everyone has to be communicating and helping.

We wiped all night. We got Cobalt, Jasper and Amethyst. We didn’t ever last much past the first overload. I called it at 9.30pm because the more I tried to get our tank to talk the worse our attempts got.

In the end I could not muster up enough energy to give a flying rats arse about raiding. Or the guild.

After an hour long argument after the raid, between hubby and tank, they decided to just agree to disagree. But I think the damage had been done. The next day, the GM advised me the 2 who were already behind in gear, were not going to be able to raid with us anyway, so we needed to recruit over them.

That was it. GM cancelled raiding and told everyone this was no longer a raiding guild and to leave if they wanted. I apologised profusely to everyone as well.

Neither of us have been online since because we just can’t find the energy to give a shit about the online world right now.

There are a few reasons behind this, the first major one being my depression stemming from being unable to find another job. Not just find another job though, I can’t even get interviews – I was told I can’t get interviewed because I don’t have a degree or certification in anything (to cut a long story short). So this search for a new job has been going for over 6 years – before I left my previous employer and then since then when I moved to my current position to help my family out.

The point being this depression made me blurt out to my hubby recently that I wanted to to die. Not suicide – I am too chicken, but I would like to have something happen to me that is instant death. Clearly, this mindset is not a healthy one. This was not a good place for me to caring about other people’s needs in a game that – for all intents and purposes, will not really amount to real friendships.

The second major thing being my step-mother is relapsing into her anxiety issues and potentially having another breakdown. This has placed a huge amount of pressure on me at work as I am now having to try and placate both her and my father and some how keep the business afloat without being able to actually have any input into how it is done. I may have to come back to work full time, yet I can’t even pay myself because of the financial cock ups. I had one pay delayed a week ago because they couldn’t afford to pay me, and the next week she requested to pay me by the hour because she doesn’t trust that I am working the hours she is paying me for. I am now keeping a time sheet. In fact, I can’t even get paid today.

The third major thing – my hubby was potentially going to be made redundant from work. He is safe until early next year at this stage, but we spent a week not knowing if he was still employed. This was a huge weight and not really something we needed to deal with all in the same week as everything else. We have only a few more months now, but we have tough decisions to make between now and then because of the impending changes to his company.

Of course to add to all that we have had all the little things that come with the big things, balancing a budget without a pay for the week, hubby changing buildings at work, me doing some certification for working behind in a pub/club/hotel, hubby being on call for the week…blah blah blah.

Yes that is life and everyone has different things going on, but everyone has their limits and we had reached ours.

So basically, WoW is the farthest thing from my mind right now. I have been reading blogs and enjoying all the updates and cool things happening, completely insanely jealous!!

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8 comments on “Where have I gone?”

I’m so sorry to hear all this has been happening to you. I can so relate on the Guild issues but I know we’ve talked about this briefly before. I really hope things start to look up for you soon on the job front as well.

Bah, been through the retrenchment dance three times now, most recently a month ago as well. :( Made it through untouched every time so far – I’m very good at what I do – but you definitely have my sympathies.

My guild hasn’t even started raiding yet either – too many undergeared folks, and most of the dedicated raiders are on hiatus or dealing with studies.

Don’t get a tank suddenly deciding not to communicate. It’s part of the job. If you turned up to do the job, you do the damn job or you leave so someone else can. Anything else is wasting the time of everyone involved.

Add me to the *blogger support* for what it’s worth. Life doesn’t get better as you get older (if anything it gets worse) your experience simply makes you better equipped to deal with all the shit. If it’s any consolation all life’s good people have had a little (and a lot of) rain fall into their lives and draw hope and sympathy from their experience.

I’ve been in the dark place you are now in and I only offer you one piece of advice: ignore all the advice people offer you, just do what you think is best for you. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one. Most of them are full of crap. You know what you need. I know that’s advice too but there you go…

As for WoW, we tell ourselves these stunted interactions with people aren’t important. These guild-mate, ‘in-game friends’ aren’t *real* friends. They are something though because we care and get upset and angry about them. Your GM has obviously made a major miscalculation making you the raid leader. The main tank guy is clearly a complete prick and the rest of the raiders are lazy, uncommitted parasites. You find them everywhere, even among people you thought were friends and shared your mindset. They’re not real friends so you can just look at them and measure their value to you. They’re wasting your precious time – shake ‘em off. They’re wasting your time and dragging you down and you’re already low. Shake ‘em off.

Come join the adults of the Horde. Roll (or race change) to undead and revel in your disease. We’ll welcome you as one of our own. Find a guild that can use *your chars* but doesn’t need them, sit back, relax and do some DPS.

For instance, I just found out that it is going to cost me $200 per week to rehab my knee and ankle. This was up from what I expected ($70 per week). Needless to say, we don’t have an extra $200 a week to put into physical therapy for my popped knee and rolled ankle.

We need that for food for the family.

But, my knee and ankle need to be healed if I’m to enter into the military. No healing, no military. No military…then I’ll live. I may not be happy, but I’ll live.