Paul Downton apologises to Alastair Cook

By now you have probably heard that I have appointed Peter Moores as the new, well recycled, English coach. This should make you happy as he also hates people who have better cricket brains than him, like KP and that Toadfish character from Neighbours.

Anyhow, at the press conference to announce his Ron Jeremy like second coming, I may have said that KP was manageable in the past. That was, as I put it, because we had strong leadership in the team, but now we don’t. Therefore, KP had to go.

I hope people don’t misconstrue my message.

I mean, you are clearly a great leader of men. Perhaps even referent?

How can one forget how you chose not to help Trott when he clearly had issues after Brisbane? Your strategy of letting him tough it out by himself was pure genius.

You also orchestrated Graeme Swann’s exit before he could embarrass himself on Boxing Day. Letting him get smashed around Perth was just the push he needed to make way for better players like Scott Borthwick.

Also, it is a common leadership principle that the captain learns to manage the personalities of all his men. You were just ahead of your time in making KP the sacrificial lamb after he was the leading runs scorer for England in the Ashes. Many are in awe at how you put others ahead of yourself by letting them make more runs than you.

So, when I said at the Moores press conference that the team no longer had strong leaders, I was clearly misquoted. What I meant to say was that if we wanted a B Grade coach, it was obvious that we had a B Grade captain. Ian Bell didn’t want the captaincy, so we decided to stick with you.

So, I trust you accept my apology. I need the practice for when we need to explain why Peter Moores thought the ODI world cup is in Austria.