If you were looking for enema videos and were directed here from righthealth.com, you are not in the right place. Yes, I'm talking to you, anonymous visitor from Plano, Texas

Monday, October 03, 2005

"Emma? It's Hill. Lets Be BFFs Again."

Hillary and I had a huge fight last week, when she bitchslapped this man:Look, he's sad about it. Or is really regretting that last Twix ice cream bar. It's a toss-up.But I have decided to forgive her, since her vote was moot and this next nominee is dumb. Not scary or crazy conservative. Just dumb. Like when Gary Coleman ran for Governor on the platform of being a midget virgin.For those of you looking for a picture of him here, I apologize. There are two people that won't ever make photographic appearances on my blog. One of them is Gary, the other is Cate Blanchett. Wait. I think I may have posted a picture of her before. Hmm. Well...starting now.

I have a new fun toy. No dildo jokes. Perverts. It's this.It's this awesome flash projection of all the Governor and Senate races for 2006. Guess who has the biggest lead in the Senate races? Yeah, that's right. BFF!Incumbent Hillary Clinton 54.5%Jeanine Pirro 33.7%Pirro, you're a waste. At least Hill's husband was wiley enough to avoid jailtime. You like you have the Cosbys in your lips. Douche.Chuckle.

She looks like a cross between Joan Rivers and one of the title characters from Planet of the Apes. OH MY GOD. That reminds me of this Marcia Gay Harden-lookalike dog.Am I right or am I right?

On to the next topic of business:THE 4TH ANNUAL 'WE STILL BELIEVE YOU, WINONA' MOVIE MARATHONGod, it seems like yesterday that this amazing tradition started. In freshman year, there was a short creature that lived down the hallway from me. It did not eat cows. Or milk. Or eggs. Or gelatin. And it did not wear leather. By the middle of the year, we had forged a friendship of sorts in the Weinstein food court over burgers and hummus. If you will recall, the period of time between November 2002 and January 2003 was intense. Hollywood, realizing that Winona's acting prowess was overwhelming their burdgeoning stars, sought to cut her down a notch, planning a hideous conspiracy in a Beverly Hills Saks Fifth Avenue store. She was clearly framed, and Malsta and I were privy to the best information about this tragedy that a quarter can buy: the NY Post. We decided it was our DUTY to showcase our support for this fallen idol, who had had the misfortune of having Gwyneth steal her copy of Shakespeare in Love/her Oscar and Angelina overacting and probably sleeping with 42 judges. We quickly put our plan into motion. Our floor had a triple that housed mild-mannered lads of the nth degree: a subservient Indian, a quiet anthropologist, and Cecil the Oversexed Asian. We cordoned off the room and put a piece of computer paper on their door that said 'WE BELIEVE WINONA! COME SUPPORT WINONA! THE FOLLOWING MOVIES WILL BE SHOWN: REALITY BITES, GIRL, INTERRUPTED AND EDWARD SCISSORHANDS.'Nobody came to our marathon, but I'm sure several people looked at the sign and puckered their eyebrows in confusion. The marathon really gained steam the next year, when we housed it at Third North, had Nickelodeon Slime Cupcakes and our strongest movie line-up to date: Mermaids, Reality Bites (again), Heathers and Beetlejuice. Last year, there was dissent among the ranks, as attempts to get non-classic Winona movies into the mix hit the ground with a resounding thud. She is so unappreciated.This year is different. We have oodles of shizzle working in our favor. Number one: We sent out Evites. Number two: We have a real apartment and don't have to curry favor with the DMX security guard who saw me scratch my poon in the elevator.Number three: We are paying homage to the second of Winona's two Academy Award nominations.Number four: We are going to drug Jocelyn, hypnotize her, and make her get us a bulk order of Dippin' Dots. If I thought there was anyway that begging online would help us get the dots, I would do it. But I feel my readers are too noble for such things.

The party is on October 29th, Winona's 34th birthday. We're starting it a little earlier this year, around 5:30 so we can get all of the movies in before 2 am. There will be an intermission after the second movie, at which time Malsta and I will perform a dramatic reading from Girl, Interrupted and maybe ET, Devra will hold a Robert Sean Leonard discussion forum with Black Bear, Death, Dr House...and I think one other...non-real personage. Shrug. Everyone is invited, unless I dont like you, in which case I will unceremoniously throw you down the stairs and cover you in giraffe guano.

Anyway, here is the line-up for Winona 2005:5:30 - House of the Spirits.In which Winona gets molested by Vincent Gallo and willingly bangs Antonie Banderas next to a babbling brook.7:30 - Little WomenIn which Winona kicks ass and Claire Danes dies a deserving death. And Christian Bale walks around and looks hot.9:30 - MermaidsIn which Winona loses her virginity in a church tower and Christina Ricci swims in a bathtub.11:30 - DraculaIn which we question why Keanu Reeves makes more money than I do.Uh...line?