Changing Our Change

Get Serious!

July 06, 1989|By TONY GABRIELE Columnist

Well, have we got a response for you, all you negativistic, whiny, nay-sayers who are always criticizing our federal government, saying all it does is dither while our economy goes to hell in a hibachi.Taking time away from their busy schedules of investigating each other, our representatives in Congress are close to passing a bill that would - get ready, now - redesign all U.S. coins!

Now, don't you wish you had thought of that? What with the dollar being excessively weak abroad, or excessively broad this week, or whatever that problem is, this is clearly the bold fiscal move our nation has been waiting for, because ... uh, just why are they doing it?

"We're the only Western country in the world that hasn't changed its coins in recent years," according to a wire service quote from Diane Wolf, who's commissioner of the U.S. Commission of Fine Arts. (I'll bet you ignorami didn't even know the government has a Commission of Fine Arts, did you?) "We're the only ones that have been stuck in a rut."

So this is a fashion makeover we're talking about. It will be similar to what happens in the clothing industry, where people are instructed that they must buy articles of clothing with this year's highly distinctive fashion detailing, such as shoulder pads the size of baby sea lions, so that next year the fashions can change entirely and anyone so gauche, so out-of-it, as to continue to wear dresses with shoulder pads instead of buying an entirely new wardrobe will be stood up against the back wall of Bloomingdale's in New York and discreetly shot.

But the government, as usual, being a little slow on the uptake, the coin redesign won't go far enough. According to the bill now before Congress, while the "tails" sides of the coins will be completely changed, the "heads" will continue to show the same presidents, though they will be redesigned a bit.

The new designs haven't been created yet, so we don't know just what kind of makeover the presidential heads will get. Maybe new hairstyles! Can't you see Washington getting rid of that pigtail and getting, say, a high-top fade?

But if the government really wants to make some dough by changing our change, from collectors and the like, they need to give it some pizazz. Some celebrity. When was the last time you saw Jefferson on the cover of People magazine? Or Roosevelt endorsing something in a TV commercial? We need people who are hot.

Let's see, how about Michael Jackson on the penny, Tom Cruise on the nickel, Michael Jordan on the dime, Eddie Murphy on the quarter, and Donald Trump on the half-dollar? (Or the "half-Trump," I guess it'd be called then, since he names everything after himself.)

And remember the Susan B. Anthony dollar coin that nobody liked? Betcha if you put Madonna on it you'd see some action. Or if she's too kinky for you, how about Roseanne Barr?

This would be just for one year, of course. The next year you'd change all the faces again, to whoever is having their brief spasm of fame then.

And as for the tails side - are you ready for this concept - sell advertising space!

I mean, talk about your market penetration! I imagine Coke and Pepsi will be frenziedly shoving each other aside for the chance to throw huge wads of money into the U.S. Treasury for the advertising rights. We could wipe out the national debt in a couple of years!

Just don't let Sony or Toyota advertise, or the trade deficit could get even worse than it is now.