Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Tooling Around: Just So You Know, We're Coasting Now

Who, after all, can New York City sit with at the great big cafeteria table that is this country? To our south is Philadelphia, which is basically just a slightly more bustling Albany. To our north is Boston, which I suppose is pretty cosmopolitan for a college town, but come on. There's also Washington DC, which succeeded New York City as the capital of the United States because the government didn't want to compete with anything culturally interesting. It was a wise move, because to this day Washington, DC is basically just the government and Dischord Records.

Moving farther afield, you have places like Toronto and Montreal, but Canada is little more than a socialist experiment, and the jury's still out on whether or not it will succeed. Similarly, you have whatever "cities" are in the South and Texas, but those places are little more than right-wing theocratic experiments, and the jury's still out on whether or not they will succeed. Chicago? A creepy 80% New York. Los Angeles? A gigantic suburb propped up by the porn industry. Seattle? It was briefly relevant in the 1990s, but now it's just Portland's older brother--the one that was in a fraternity in college. As for Portland, it's a town at best. New York City has suburbs that are bigger cities than Portland. In fact, if you put Portland in Westchester County, it would be the place where hipsters moved after they got priced out of Hastings.

Inevitably then, New York City must turn its sights eastward for kindred urban spirits, and it finally finds one in London. Like New York City, London is a global capital. Furthermore, London's history and culture is far richer than New York's. That's why it's so profoundly disappointing to receive an email like this:

Hello,As your site focus on bicycles I thought this might be of your interest:Here is a menswear lookbook video filmed in London to the "H&M for Brick Lane Bikes collection".Please share online on your blog/ twitter / facebook etc.

Here's the video:

Firstly, if you're trying to promote something in your video, don't make people watch another ad first. That's like successfully soliciting a free handjob and then adding, "Oh, by the way, before you begin, can I have a quarter?" Secondly (and I realize I've touched on this before), you're London, one of the most important cities in the world! How can you not know that nobody is riding the fixie bikes anymore?!? It's over! Finished! Done! I don't know what you've been up to, but the rest of us all got together, had a big meeting, and agreed that we're simply not doing this anymore:

This is a huge let-down. I mean, seriously, the Trispoke/Aerospoke/Whatever in the front and the spoked wheel in the back? That's the "tarck mullet," and it's about as au courant as a LiveStrong bracelet. Even a Philadelphian would be embarrassed to ride a bike like that. By the way, the hallmark of any "street" cycling clothing collection is plenty of pointless pockets:

I know when I'm riding I like it when my phone is banging on my thigh. In fact, in my privileged position as a bike blogger, I've occasionally received some pieces of "casual" cycling wardrobe, and all of these items, whether they're great or not so great, have one thing in common: lots of stupid pockets in weird places. For some reason, when you're walking or driving or taking the train you're allowed to use normal pockets in normal places, but as soon as you straddle a bicycle these designers think you're going to start secreting bric-a-brac all over your person like some kind of dandy drug mule. Still, I guess extra pockets isn't a bad thing, since the worst case scenario is that you don't use them. Maybe the same thing goes for a little throat dickey:

He's nonplussed because he's lost his throat dickey:

By the way, I realize the idea here is that you can wear the clothes on and off the bike, but do you really want to look like this when you're off the bike?

At least if you wear Lycra and you pop into the store most people get that you're in the middle of a ride, whereas this whole "half-assed athleticism" thing really just makes you look confused. And again, I can't stress this enough, stop with the skidding!

I promise you, we're all coasting and using brakes again, and it's fantastic. Plus, all the money you save on tires will keep you in tiny throat dickeys for years. If you simply must waste tires, the method currently in vogue is to ride around the city with cyclocross knobbies that will never see dirt.

I hate to be the typical nit-picky bike dork, but they forgot the part where you lubricate the chain with your vagina.

Speaking of bicycle maintenance, Kickstarter inventors seem finally to be moving away from the bicycle light and instead focussing their creative energies on the multitool. Here's one from London that's ideal for the fixie you ride because you live in London where that sort of thing is still done:

I like the versatility, but I love the fact that you can very easily lose everything:

But then he tells you that you need a Bike Crib while demonstrating that you absolutely don't need a Bike Crib at all:

Indeed, the only time you might need a bike crib is if you're not anywhere near your car, in which case you'd have to go back to the car to get the Bike Crib anyway, at which point you might as well just lean the bike on the car while you're there--unless he planned to outfit the Bike Crib with backpack straps so that you could wear it on your person at all times. I'd love to see someone dressed in head-to-toe H&M cycling clothing arrive at a café, slip a Bike Crib off his back, plop it on the sidewalk, mount his fixie to it, and then start working on it with the Nutter. Then, his friend would show up and clap him on the back in greeting, causing him to lose all his Nutter bits down a storm drain, which he'd eventually retrieve by using a Strong Like Bull magnet on a string:

And to think there was actually a moment there when I was losing faith in America...

Yes, London, the more smug NYC. Never will understand why you need hundreds of dollars of apparel to bike to the the coffee shop, pocket tools with multiple bits suck as you lose just the ones you really need, and Bike Crib, c'mon man. Just one wheel slot? Why not a multibike setup since it is targeted for home use. Wish I had thought of it. Hope this satisfies the poster from yesterday who wanted more bike stuff. Good stuff WCRM.

I couldn't help but notice that enterprising young lady in the tutorial did not do anything to the wheel whilst it was off the bike that she could not have done equally as well with the wheel still mounted to the frame. (Ha,ha, I said "mounted").

I also recommend against a quick-release skewer on a single speed rear wheel, as such a skewer tends to migrate under full load. 15 mm bolts work much better, and the spanner is not that much to add to your tool kit.

I am beginning to suspect that removal of the wheel might not have been the point of the video after all...

Snob, your readers are a generous group, and I would like to see us raise some money so that we can buy that poor girl some clothes that fit. She is obviously struggling financially, as she has outgrown the ones she owns now and is bereft of funds to purchase replacements.

Opinion on recent Snob tweet! Perhaps more cyclists would have "only" a concussion if they weren't getting killed outright by careless motorists. A styrofoam hat and a t shirt just isn't a match for much of anything else on the road. At least in football the gear is pretty much the same.

I take issue Wildcat. First of all Philadelphia was the capital prior to DC (after nyc). Also it's closer, both literally and figuratively, to NYC than Albany but with affordable housing (owning to that whole supply and demand thing). Also, didn't you and your 17 children emigrate out of NYC to the burbs/bronx/northern manhattan somewhere recently anyway? It's only a few more stops on the metro north to Irvington.

Boston is like that track star who splits his time between the drama/music/art table and the computer nerd table. NYC is the quarterback (and class president/homecoming king) who sits with all the football players yet is secretly dating one of the girls at the drama table. London is the closeted linebacker who wants to be a fashion designer.

Ima sell all my fiveteen bicygle soon. The reason you all asks?? I tell why: soon I will move to floating city off coast of SF, intl waters, no taxes. I will be the Hot Tub Inspector on board. Goodbye bicicle friends!

The H&M video is just a minute-and-a-half of dudes buttoning their whatevers, putting on their whatnots and fiddling with their geegaws. In other words, all the boring little shit you have to do before and after the interesting part (the ride). Oh wait, my mistake: there's MUSIC with it, so it's AMAZING!

Speaking of flats, the only thing flatter than "bitchy" chick's ass, is the tires of whatever ran over her face. Also you know maybe she could do her hair instead of just rolling straight out of bed and covering it with a trucker hat she bought on the way to the video shoot.

Sorry, apparently I'm going to slag on each one viciously until they stop.

Dooth:I've got two free months left on the SiriusXM deal that comes when you get a car and I was listening to the 60's station when that came on. My Aha moment. (Not that Aha)BTW: SiriusXM kinda sucks, except it is kinda fun listening to traffic conditions in NYC, LA, and DC. Not so bad here in the woods.

That dude on the recumbent with the dog does Ragbrai every year.On the uphills the dog jumps off the platform and runs alongside. Impressive the first time you see it. Afterwards, you just want to beat the shit out of the guy for some reason.

...vancouver & san francisco are certainly two of the more picturesque cities that are cycling compatable...

...van's cycling infrastructure, at least the part babble has revealed, looks to be very good & sf & the greater bay area, while perhaps not ideal, are always making strides...('bart' or bay area rapid transit is experimenting with regularly allowing bikes on it's trains during the commute hours)...

...cycling north of the ggb (golden gate bridge), here in marin is one of the safer of the populated spots in the bay area & thus the whole country for bike riding with more accomodations always in the works...

...we definitely have an edge on the weather although today's dampness & chill portends of snow on top of mt tamalpais...(no bikini's today)...

...bottom line...when you consider 'quality of life', education, living standards & other various factors, both cities & their surrounds look to be pretty damn deccent as regards a cycling lifestyle...

I guess bike crib guy didn't raise any money because people have heard of Nashbar and realized you could buy something functionally similar and far less bulky for 1/3 the price - and it has wheels. Or at least you could back in the day when I was into buying junk.

I mailed in my absentee ballet voting for Babble to be Pope Babblelicious the 1st. Wasn't sure what her official voting name is, Babylon the 1st, etc? But the vision of the 80 year olds that run the place is probably so poor that it might not matter.

Meh...NYC City is for smug woosies. Come down to the Big Sleasy where coaster breaks are necessary because it's hard to track stand or skid stop on that patina-coated beater when you're trying not to spill the double dark n' stormy on your pants while smugly out-peddling the hipster douche-bags riding crabon fixies

BGW - that means that for once, we have an edge on you - it's sunny and gorgeous here today. Not to worry, though, it can't possibly last. That's what happens when you build a city in the middle of a rainforest.

......never an intent to imitate but i owe a debt of gratitude to the long deceased but still beloved fixture as a san franciscan, herb caen of that same sf chronicle...

...so, so long before internet browsing, vast numbers of the local population turned to caen & his "...three dot journalism...", oft times even before reading the front page...

...as a member of sf 'society', you hadda find out if maybe you got a mention in his column for whatever antics you might have been up to the night before...

...& speaking of a quirky city, wrote caen - "...If I do go to heaven, I'm going to do what every San Franciscan does who goes to heaven. He looks around and says, It ain't bad, but it ain't San Francisco..."...

...wonderfully typical...& with that kinda history & my having lived here so long, even the temporary fixation with hipsters doesn't much ruffle my scranus...

The throat dickey thing is useful. My big warm motorbike suit has one, and it keeps the fleece tube neckwarmer-y thing in place. So it's useful when it's cold and you probably don't have to ride fixed up too many hills (much of London is comparatively flat).....perhaps an "epic" commute from Chiswick all the way to Hammersmith?

Here in the East Bay it just doesn't rain. Except today for a smidge. If you're not bike commuting there's something wrong 'cause that weather is damn perfect. I read the Canada snow bike blogs and dear lord...thankful.

Hey nonny mouseI did an epic commute from Chiswick to Hammersmith once, but that was 50 years ago and I was on foot. Epic bike trip then was me and a friend trying to ride from Chiswick to Chessington zoo. Almost made it but got tired. Rode to Heathrow a couple of times for plane spotting though. At 12 everything is possible! And rode down the lawns at Richmond Park -- maybe cross is OK...

Preacher man says it’s the end of timeAnd the Mississippi River she’s a goin’ dryThe interest is up and the Stock Markets downAnd you only get muggedIf you go down town

I live back in the woods, you seeA woman and the kids, and the dogs and meI got a shotgun rifle and a 4-wheel driveAnd a country boy can surviveCountry folks can survive

I can plow a field all day longI can catch catfish from dusk till dawnWe make our own whiskey and our own smoke tooAin’t too many things these ole boys can’t doWe grow good ole tomatoes and homemade wineAnd a country boy can surviveCountry folks can survive

Because you can’t starve us outAnd you cant makes us runCause one-of- ‘em old boys raisin ole shotgunWe say grace and we say Ma’amIf you ain’t into that we don’t give a damn

We came from the West Virginia coalminesAnd the Rocky Mountains and the western skiesAnd we can skin a buck; we can run a trout-lineAnd a country boy can surviveCountry folks can survive

I had a good friend in New York CityHe never called me by my name, just hillbillyMy grandpa taught me how to live off the landAnd his taught him to be a businessmanHe used to send me pictures of the Broadway nightsAnd I’d send him some homemade wine

But he was killed by a man with a switchblade knifeFor 43 dollars my friend lost his lifeI'd love to spit some beechnut in that dudes eyesAnd shoot him with my old 45Cause a country boy can surviveCountry folks can survive

Cause you can’t starve us out and you can’t make us runCause one-of- ‘em old boys raisin ole shotgunAnd we say grace and we say Ma’amAnd if you ain’t into that we don’t give a damn

We’re from North California and south AlabamAnd little towns all around this landWe can skin a buck; and run a trout-lineAnd a country boy can surviveCountry folks can surviveA country boy can surviveCountry folks can survive

Who's dishing on the South? I must have missed it. All I saw was some HW Jr, and speaking from Tennessee's scranus, I approve. Anyway, moar Russian dashcam, less hipsters. We sent all of ours to NYC, at least those that didn't shortstop in Nashville.csrest 6312 eyetest

AAHHH! I did read the post, and quite frankly,the Snob is as welcome to his opinion of the South as I am to my opinion of NYC, and pretty much all major metros. As we here, lower than Tennessee's scranus, always say, Praise Lob we are not Mississippi.I'm a BAMAPHRED, too old and lazy to get a Google Id, just something else to remember. Enjoyed the comment btw. Natalie the Porcine Queen.

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About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!