Southern Charm Recap: Wait What?!?!

The season finale picked up right where we left off last week. The “insulted ones” made their great golf cart escape & headed over to Landon’s for some pizza & to drunkenly recap. You can’t have unraveled without a Ravenel. Shep said that he didn’t fight TRav because he hated to pay for dry cleaning…samesies. Craig & Shep both claimed that Landon was a part of the problem, which she squeakily denied. Side note: I’m slightly appalled that her voice can reach a Mariah Carey high decibel…it truly defies human nature, gravity, & all that. Back at TRav’s house Thomas said the funniest thing when he asked Cooper if reptiles had vertebrae. Do they? Kathryn clumsily tried to quote Tennessee Williams & spent the night at Thomas’.

The next morning dawned bright & clear, without a care in the world, & then the Charmers woke up… Landon hit snooze 87 times (the only thing we have in common), Whitney juiced, Shep chose shirts for his dive bars. Where can I get a t-shirt? I want to support my boyfriend. After discussing it with JD, Craig went from full-time employee to part-time with JD’s blessing, to focus on studying for the Bar. #abouttime Across town, Cameran met with her therapist. Her homework was to make a Pro/Con List about having a baby; Jason hijacked the assignment & “really opened Cam’s eyes” nice & wide. As usual, Cam’s issues stem from her childhood – doesn’t everyone’s? Jason has essentially made Cameran consider children sooner rather than later…maybe. She still seems scared to me.

Sheppy-Poo met with Landon at The Commodore, his newest dive bar endeavor, to basically tell her the he’s just not that into her. #duh I’m not convinced that Shep should have that beard. I don’t love it, but I don’t hate it. You guys, I swear Trump & Landon have the same eyes. Over at Craig & Nomi’s house, she modeled Founder’s Ball options for him. She looks hot – Craig is a lucky dude. He then broke the dramatic news that he took a step back from Gentry to focus on the Law. Craig hemmed & hawed until finally Naomie told him to spit it out, but she ultimately was very supportive. They are super cute lovesluts! Her best line of the night was, “I’m wearing a helmet,” to news that T & K would be in attendance at the Ball.

Later that night, Whitney & JD had HH with Thomas to box his ears…aka talk some sense into him. TRav basically blamed his outburst on the stress of having two kids at 50+ years of age. Really? REALLY? How about you were shitfaced & high as a kite? They basically told him to fix it. TRav then quoted Michael Jackson…is that really a legit quotable source?

Next morning, Kathryn dropped the kiddos off at Thomas’ house – he finally got that play date he was after, or rather Dawn got to have a play date with the munchkins. We head over to Patricia’s humble abode to find her sleeping with a face transplanting machine hooked up to her while she napped. In all seriousness, where can I get one? Shep, Craig, & JD are being groomed at the man-spa & the beard is gone. #hallelujah A makeup artist arrived at Landon’s to transform her to Patricia’s specifications…too bad it didn’t help her ugly black heart personality. Kathryn & TRav decided to attend the Founder’s Ball together. Whitney showed up at his mom’s during mid-transplant; we learned that it was her oxygen rejuvenating therapy – aka making sure her face lift stays in place.

Back at the man-spa, Shep revealed that Thomas “textologized” (text + apologize) to him. He made a good point when he said that TRav was attacking the girls, so Sheppy felt he had to intervene. Craig agreed. Meanwhile at Landon’s, she apparently is still harboring hope that Shep really does love her & this makeover will snag him. Girl, get a ticket to the clue bus. Over at TRav’s, Kathryn reminded Thomas that Landon changed the tone of the dinner party, asked Cooper to meet all his rich friends, etc. Y’all, I think Kathryn smells a gold digger…she would know. Am I right? KDen pretty much gave Thomas an ultimatum, to which Thomas agreed as way to placate her. He’s total scum.

After the commercial break, we get to see the Charmers putting on their final touches & attire for the Founder’s Ball. Landon heads over to Patricia’s to borrow fur, diamonds, & Dior. Pat had many a back-handed compliments for Landon. Did the Purple People Eater swallow her?!?! Over at Ravenel Manor, Little Red Riding Hood Kathryn glided down the stairs, a la She’s All That, & pre-drank with Thomas to loosen up. Did they drink Gentry Bourbon?

Finally! We arrived at the Ball. Whitney tried to hook Landon up with one of his friends. I secretly think they would perfect for each other. Craig & Naomie arrived, & Naomie looked smokin’ HOTT! Shep brought Landon’s friend, Robyn, as his date (matching no less!), Landon cried, & I silently cheered in my head a little bit. Does that make me a horrible person? I think Cameran & Danni were each other’s dates? Did anyone else notice that Kathryn referred to herself as TRav’s girlfriend in the limo?

Once the Hot Mess Express arrived to the ball things got really interesting. I now have new-found respect for Jennifer Snowden. She hit the nail on the head when talking about Thomas’ involvement with Kathryn’s cold shoulder treatment. I take back everything I said earlier in the season. Thomas made an obvious beeline straight for Old Squinty Eyes (Landon, obvi.) once KDen parked herself at a table, which was so blatantly obvious & no one missed it. Kathryn then made the first move by pulling Landon aside to hash out their issues – very mature of her. OSE ruined the moment by claiming she couldn’t hear Kathryn – it was really loud, so I’ll give her that one. KDen’s reaction was a bit more dramatic than the situation warranted. It’s never going to be pleasant when the convo starts with, “This isn’t going to be a mean conversation.” I don’t think Kathryn can handle Landon’s nails on the chalkboard voice, so her hyperventilating/screeching immediately pissed her off. Landon ran off to tattle to Thomas that Kathryn was being a big meanie head. Poor Danni got stuck in the middle, literally. Nomi & Jenn’s faces when Landon said she was afraid of Kathryn gave me LIFE!

As usual, Thomas was absolutely no help to anyone & stood there like a moron. Shep & Craig had to intervene in the attempt to resurrect the night. Landon’s voice is too much when she is calm & collected, but when she gets agitated it is unbearable, not to mention at a decibel only dogs can hear. Wasn’t Landon’s Cheshire cat smile so eerie & creepy? The finale ended with Shep’s date saying, “Do you think Landon’s going to admit that she slept with Thomas?” Last line was Shep, after a shocked pause, saying, “What?” BEST. FINALE. EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tweets from the night:

What did y’all think of the finale? I thought this whole season knocked it out of the park!

I’ll see you back here for #TheBachelorette Recap on Tuesday & a #RHONY Recap on Wednesday. BREAKING NEWS: My new DVR did not record The Bachelorette, so I’ll have to figure out OnDemand…