Location: Where I go hauntingly, within the depths of a darkened forest

Posts: 9,674

Dear diary,

I am having a panic attack. Not a heart attack. A panic attack.

The news that my sister shared on my Facebook is FAKE. The girl didn't die because she wore earphones and fell asleep, listening to music on her phone. She died because she overdosed on pills. Link right fucking here!

I am so stressed by my current job. i need a new one. anything that has to do with remembering details is a challenge to me. my mother helped me apply as a patient transport in her health network..i hope i get the job i wouldnt mind working with people. sitting behind a desk taking calls from clients sucks and its hard to pull all the information out. oh well..in due time shall the burden heal.

I am currently listening to TBM's remastered tracks on my nice new working earphones. d^_^b Listening to any TBM or Gorillaz tracks is like an orgasm for my ears, or an eargasm. I cannot wait to hear their new albums. I should probably keep up with Gorillaz more the same way I do TBM.

I wonder how 2D and The Pickle Man himself are doing...

*sighs* well anyways I am looking forward to more delicious updates from the band and I hope TBM release more instrumentals and demos. Oh ya, and I cannot wait to see them on tour.

Location: Where I go hauntingly, within the depths of a darkened forest

Posts: 9,674

Quote:

Originally Posted by DoomScarf

Did I do it right?

You did

Dear diary,

I want to know what it means to be 25 years old. I want a Girls' Night out. And no, not with my fucking sister. Jesus fucking Christ, not with her x.x She's not really "fun" anymore. I wanna go out. I wanna go crazy. For a night. With someone x.x I wanna be the one that Chibi is singing to in the "Science" song.
Wake you up
Pull you out
Talk you up to calm you down
Turn it up to scream and shout

I don't know. :/ I just want someone that knows me so damn well that they know when it's time for a Girls' Night.

It sucks realizing you care so much more than a lot of others have..almost like I feel used for just some good times. I know there are more people out there like me who genuinely care, just wish I could find them so I didn't feel so lonely when it comes to these type of things.

It's either me that has to change or the world and I really doubt the latter is gonna happen...

I'm super worried that my package won't arrive and there's gonna be problems (considering all of the overall bad reviews of this carrier company) I really, really, really, REALLY want and need this so I don't wanna get a refund.

Hoping that everything will work out, even if I have to wait a few days but also trying not to keep my hopes up too high

Location: Where I go hauntingly, within the depths of a darkened forest

Posts: 9,674

Dear diary,

I'll try not to let their stress get to me I'll just focus on what I have to do (take out everything from the bags and organize them as best as I possibly can!) tomorrow. I'll wake up, shower, get dressed, have a nice breakfast, blast Chelsea Wolfe's music and get to work. Then relax. Hopefully my sister doesn't bother me too much. I seriously think that's rude that they had the nerve to enter my new guest house, stand in the middle and have a loud argument. Yes, they are sharing my bathroom and kitchen spaces but I think they're getting in over their heads about how safe and private this guest house really is. I think they're taking advantage and I think I need to step up and address it. I'm not even going to explain to them the reasons because fuck that shit. They don't deserve it. I'm just going to tell them to respect me.

I'm not having that shit. I am sorry but I am done! I'm done hearing them argue. I don't want them to get comfortable and think it's perfectly okay to come in whenever they want and have an argument in the middle of my guest house. I'm paying the rent ($800-pretty good price considering the lovely amount of space!) and they should be happy that I'm even letting them step foot in here and have their shit in my bathroom shower and counters. I know I said in an earlier post that it was out of my hands and it was my mom's say so but.....I can tell them to get out. I can raise my voice and get really stern. My voice may be quiet and timid but once you really piss me off (and I mean really piss me off), the sound of thunder might as well come out instead of words It's just really forceful and full of passionate hate, frustration and a tiny bit of desperation. Sometimes it even scares me.

This is my place. My private, lovely sacred space. This guest house is mine (and my mom's but I mostly stay in here since my mom is at work all day long) and I'm not going to let them invade it with their bullshit. I'm trying to create a lovely atmosphere and they're coming in with their....I don't know. They're just fucking invading it. I'm so tired. I'm going to bed. It's midnight and I've been up since 9am. I might continue this later on.

Location: Where I go hauntingly, within the depths of a darkened forest

Posts: 9,674

My dearest diary,

I really wish Erin gets back to me with the reply so I can tell her before I go see my new Doctor on Tuesday (I think that's when my brother told my mom I have the appointment?!). I've been holding onto this for five years and I'm deathly afraid of my brother and mom finding out! Technically, I'm still "that" but in the physical sense, I really am not. But then again, I am at the same time, you know? I don't know who else to go to with this. Hopefully Erin feels comfortable and allows me to tell her. If not, I'll just....go through with the questions that my Doctor will ask me and if my brother finds out (he works at the clinic) and then tells my mom.....I'll deal with it. I'm a bit paranoid around Doctors. Apparently, they don't shut up with private and personal stuff. They go to their nurses and tell them and actually giggle about it. I caught one when I was 17 and I've been really untrusting and paranoid by what I say. Even if they're Doctors and they're supposed to help.

Anyway, I just hope my mom doesn't bring up that "your flower is destroyed now" stuff because she's going to honestly make me breakdown and cry with that I'm going to bed. If Erin allows me to tell her, I need all the rest that I can get because I might get emotional (not to her. Just....there might be some actual tears of relief on my part!)

I am so grateful to have them in my life, they give me lots of positivity and light in this long dark tunnel. If it wasn't for them, I'd feel I would have completely given up on a lot of different things. I wish I would have paid more attention to them in the past rather than all those who are no longer in my life but I guess I had some lessons to learn. Thank god they never gave up on me

I really do hope they know what they mean to me and how special they are. Hope things continue to get better from here on out

Location: Where I go hauntingly, within the depths of a darkened forest

Posts: 9,674

Dear diary,

Can they stop watching my face and assuming I'm mad or annoyed? Can they trust that if I want their help, I'll go to them and ask for advice on how to deal with it if I can't figure it out. Can they just please trust that if I get depressed for one day (or two or the entire week), I'll rise up out of the rubble and bounce back, ready to enjoy the day smile, feel great and just relax.

Quote:

And it is true what you said
That I live like a hermit in my own head
But when the sun shines again
I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in

-Death Cab For Cutie "Marching Band Of Manhattan"

Just fucking trust in me. Trust that I'll get back up, take care of myself (after all, I know what makes me truly happy!) and if I need their help in figuring something out, I'll ask for it! Give me whatever amount on a monthly basis so that I can spend some money for myself online. Just give me something to work with! After all, I pay my share of the rent, I pay for groceries (my sis puts in her share sometimes), I buy things I need (shaving razors, shaving cream, body wash, shampoo/conditioner, feminine stuff, the works!).

Dear diary,

I want to slap my sister. I want to slap this thing inside of her that has some kind of grudge against me. I want to slap it out of her and tell her to knock it off because I have HAD ENOUGH THIS ENTIRE YEAR LET ALONE THESE PAST 2 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Is in the midst of tears again* She should be happy, relieved and thankful everyday that I'm even here at all and that she has a sister because when I was going through the trauma (after the eviction), I wanted to kill myself. Obviously, I don't feel that way anymore and I'm much more better now but at that time, I considered it an option.

I'm really happy things have been going much better at home lately, hope it continues this way. Also in life overall there's not too much bad, which I'm very thankful for. I hope I can continue to move on away from the past and become even more positive and better myself. Hope I also remember this for when dark times do come

Location: Where I go hauntingly, within the depths of a darkened forest

Posts: 9,674

Dear diary,

He is killing me! :O Why is he soooooooooooooo stubborn about the box being sent to a "sure" place! They're just cd booklets and promo cards! If I remember correctly, he had a lot of them. Ohhhhh right :O He said there were rare stuff in there. Hmmmmm.

*Very, very, frustrated!* What the fuck could be in the box that is sooooooo rare that he has to ask (every single time!) if I'm somewhere secure and permanent?!? He is driving me crazyyyyyyyyy! I finally asked him last night to send it. I had enough. I just wanna get this over with and put an end to it. What exactly is "rare" to him? What's so surprising about it? How will I react? *muses* I mean, if I told him to surprise me with one of his fractal art thingies and they're freaking flowers (it never crossed my mind that it would ever be flowers. I was thinking more along the lines of swirly lovely mists of purple and pink and teal and red stars! ), what could possibly be in that box?!? Hopefully, soon, I will know! I'm suddenly reminded of the song by Ego Likeness

Even though we're not the sameOne day you will know One day you will know

I dreamed I found you by the sea Wondering who you used to beBut one day will know One day you will know...