Loose Change: We pick Him!

Charlie Teljeur
2009-01-29 12:21:00

If there’s one thing the Arizona Cardinals recent rise to prominence has shown us (besides the relentless need for sustained persistence – as first suggested by a certain prophetic Little Engine That Could) it’s the value of having the Lord on your side – or at least the belief he’s - er He’s - on your side.

Seems Cardinals quarterback Kurt Warner has what amounts to a direct line to the Almighty, which has already garnered him two Super Bowl appearances, one Super Bowl victory, a Super Bowl MVP trophy and two NFL Player of the Year honors (one can only assume his lone Super Bowl loss was simply due to God liking Tom Brady and his intoxicating good looks more than Warner’s – He is responsible for that sort of thing after all and you can’t blame even the Lord for occasionally stopping to admire His own work).

Still, a victory this Sunday for the Cardinals (Cardinals? That seems rather obvious doesn’t it?) will further entrench the value of having someone with that kind of power in your huddle. Really, is there any valid reason to not invite Him in?

Which makes you wonder why hockey players and people in the NHL at large, aren’t more obvious and up-front about their divine connections. When’s the last time you heard a player thank God after a Stanley Cup victory or after winning an award? Why isn’t He as much a part of hockey as He seems to be in football (besides the superior weather conditions and bigger audience)?

You have to believe the Lord must have some sort of all-encompassing inside knowledge of the other teams and their imminent plans (on-ice and beyond), whatever the sport. If He can scout and influence football and baseball games to that degree, you would think He’s just a few awkward steps from having the wherewithal to be a Big Player on the ice as well wouldn’t you?

Perhaps God – like a lot of the world – simply doesn’t understand the game of hockey. Perhaps He sees ice as something to keep fish from rotting more than he accepts it as a surface to host some odd man-made sporting event. If wars make little sense to the Almighty is it not entirely possible that a sport in which you whack some hardened petroleum around with perfectly good pieces of lumber wouldn’t make much sense either?

Football and baseball are organic sports, with all sorts of raw dirt and mud and the natural fibres of grass. There’s a natural draw there. He – God that is – of course, wants to be a part of that. It’s like playing in His own sandbox. He may consider hockey akin to doing push-ups in a freezer.

But maybe it’s the people and the way they act that keeps God away from hockey. There is a lot of mindless violence and needless mayhem and you would tend to think He would not be big on the NHL’s penchant for fighting (“My eye-for-an-eye thing was taken way out of context”). Strictly speaking, maybe even He doesn’t want to be associated with an organization that conducts itself in such an amateur fashion.

Then again, maybe it’s us.

Maybe all that’s been lacking all this time is simply asking Him to join in, to be a big part of this thing. After this weekend, when He again bestows heavenly favor on crowd (and cloud) favorite Kurt Warner, He’s going to have a rather large gap in His schedule, which makes this the perfect opportunity to welcome Him into our flock.

I mean, the seeds are already planted with hockey already having the kind of structure someone in His position would like. If you didn’t know any better, you’d have a hard time believing the whole crime/penalty/repentance layout of hockey’s penal system isn’t based on something biblical. Do the crime, do the time, just like I wrote it.

I guess what I’m saying here is perhaps it’s time to invite a Messiah of sorts into our game; to give hockey a shot in the arm (and simultaneously, one into the soul). It can’t be bad for PR. He always seems to have the ability to draw crowds. Seems a great fit really.

All that remains is to find Him a worthy spot. A position specifically authoritative with some legal bite. I’m thinking something in league management. Sure as hell would bring a whole new meaning to the phrase “going upstairs,” wouldn’t it?

The preceding was purely fictional and meant for entertainment purposes only. By entertainment, we mean we hope you laughed while reading it, framing it, or burning it. Any similarities between this and actual events is strictly coincidental and frankly, dumb luck. Remember to remind your lawyer about the made-up part, OK?

Charlie Teljeur, creator of THN's hockeysockpuppettheatre, brings you Loose Change every Thursday only on thehockeynews.com. Subscribe to The Hockey News today to have Charlie's cartoon delivered to you in each issue.