Beefheart had
assembled an army of highly intelligent soldiers who had received their BFB
degrees from highly prestigious colleges on Mars. These people had studied
under the tutelage of Minesugar Frozenfood and had passed their finals in math
and science with flying colors. They were robots, but robots with superior
skills, and had been equipped with the necessary hormones to make them brave
and fearless soldiers.

They assembled in
the hills outside Shylock and prepared to meet the army of Blackheart, a notorious
and cruel schlockmeister. His robots were not equipped with human brains but
with dinosaur brains, which are reputed to be the bravest and wisest brains in
the universe. These dinosaur robots were not only able to fight bravely in
battle but were trained in the practical arts as well. One of the first tasks
Blackheart had assigned his dinosaur men was to take apart the spaceship they
had arrived on Shylock with and to reassemble it. This they did with
considerable acumen.

Blackheart saw
Beefheart’s army advancing toward his and sent Rana, Beefheart’s girlfriend,
out to charm Beefheart into a truce so as to provide him time to organize his
army for combat. She sashayed out to meet the army, who sighed with envy at the
sight of their commander having such a beautiful maiden talking to him.
Beefheart’s brave heart skipped a beat as she took him into her arms for a long
endearing kiss. He called his troops to order and then turned to converse with
Rana. She told him it was foolhardy to try to attack Blackheart’s forces
because they were controlled by a computer which Blackheart always carried with
him. She quoted some famous poet that had said “The tigers of wrath are fiercer
than the horses of destruction.” Beefheart didn’t understand what she meant so she
explained it to him.

“Beefheart, you
know that Blackheart has dinosaur men to fight his battles. These are the
fiercest animals in history and it would be foolish to fight them. They would
demolish your forces.”

“But my men have
high IQs and all have graduated from college with degrees in math and science.”

“You don’t
understand. I like you too much to see you lose a battle. Blackheart is a brave
man and he has trained his dinosaurs in battle. They are highly intelligent
too, and besides, Blackheart is your friend. He got you out of prison here on
Shylock when nobody else would.”

Beefheart acceded
to her wishes and Blackheart and Beefheart were reunited in friendship in a
tent close by. His forces were joined by the dinosaur men and were fed a good
meal of roast beef sandwiches which Blackheart’s chef had prepared especially
for them, anticipating the possibility of such an occasion. They fell on the
food with great gusto.

The next morning
the two armies were called to form ranks and their two generals led them on a
march to the city of Shylock. They were armed to the teeth and ready for
battle. They carried pikes and laser guns. At the gates of the city they met
another army, that of General Lentini, who led an army of giant dogs standing
on their hind legs. Lentini had an extra leg sticking out his back. He was a
Magus and had been teaching his men the science of hoodoo, black magic and
other arts of the magician. These soldiers were versed in these sciences and
cast a mesmeric spell around the enemy armies which hypnotized them into
submissive and abject objects of nature. Nature is a hard master but was no
match for these fierce magic dogs. They used voodoo to subjugate the most
intelligent of all. Their leader Lentini, the three-legged man, came forth to
meet the two B-hearts. He was a sly, soft-spoken, short fellow who claimed to
have fought under the great Polish general Varabaldi. He had studied magic at
a most prestigious university in Europe and promised them all jobs on the stock
exchange in Shylock.

Beefheart’s men
were all in favor of such a plan and readily united forces with Lentini.
Blackheart and his dinosaur men were not so credulous as Beefheart and his men.
The whole idea of brokers did not appeal to them in the least. They suddenly
attacked both armies and after a long and bloody fight succeeded in routing
them both. Lentini was captured and sentenced to hanging. He appeared in chains
before Blackheart. He was a great boasting fellow who once commanded an army of
dragons. He told Blackheart of his victories in the Forest of Arden. He told
them that Shylock was defended by a Bible hero called Rapper, who wore fancy
shirts and sang rap music.

Blackheart spared
his life on the proposition that he would hypnotize the dragons with his magic.

They entered
Shylock under cover of darkness and engaged the dragons in battle. The dragons
were fierce fighters and sent out waves of fire before them. It was a bloody
battle which decimated both sides. The battle came to a sudden standstill when
the Rapper came forth singing rap music at the top of his voice. He was wearing
a magnificent tattersall shirt with white tall-neck shirt underneath. He was
strumming on a banjo which he called a new form of rock very much like
bluegrass. It was hard to understand the words as his whole army were strumming
guitars and banjos. In the confusion that followed this battle, the wounded
were carried off the field and peace was restored.

As usual
Blackheart was offered the keys of the city. The dinosaur men were assigned
jobs as teachers in military science at the university. Beefheart’s men got
jobs as brokers on the Shylock stock exchange and the dragons were assigned to
Blackheart’s army to guard the city. The two and Lentini were assigned to guard
the city as another army had been sighted approaching Shylock. They gathered
forces to meet an army of tiger men who were reputed to be the fiercest
fighters in the universe.