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Celebrities Category

Celebrity news & gossip from the world’s showbiz and glamour magazines (OK!, Hello, National Enquirer and more). We read them so you don’t have to, picking the best bits from the showbiz world’s maw and spitting it back at them. Expect lots of sarcasm.

‘THE housemates may have been told off for giving trivial reasons for their nominations, but it’s clear that feelings run a bit deeper than how much tomato sauce each person squeezes on their dinner.

Lisa and friends

Gos, Nush and Steph all chose exactly the same combination of housemates for eviction as last week – and Cameron and Scott probably both would have done had last week’s pick Tania not already got the boot.

With Cameron and Lisa immune from eviction this week, Scott has emerged as the big winner – for the first time this week, he didn’t attract a single vote. And that is bad news for Steph, who is Scott’s bete noire. He has nominated her in four of the last five weeks.

As for Lisa, she is proving as popular with the fellow housemates as a bacon sandwich at a bar mitzvah – especially after blaming them for getting her into trouble with Big Brother.

‘I could have kicked her backside and told her to shut up,’ said Cameron, who instead contented himself with bitching about her to the others.

‘THE arrival of new housemate Lisa to shake up the Big Brother house has had all the effect of striking a match underwater.

‘You’d better run, you’d better take cover’

‘I’m as mad as a hatter,’ she told Steph as they listened to passing planes in the garden. ‘I’m a lot more bubbly than any of you have seen.’

Having failed to impress Steph, she tried Scott. ‘I bet you think I’m mad, don’t you?’ she asked after professing to possess psychic powers. ‘No,’ he replied – as she no doubt already knew he would.

In fact, the only horseplay going on in the house comes courtesy of the housemates’ latest task which involves them learning how to tack a horse and completing a show-jumping course.

While Anouska, the only British housemate with a semblance of a personality, is on her way Down Under to liven up the Big Brother Australia house, we get the human equivalent of a tin of slow-drying paint.

But we can report the sensational news that the housemates enjoyed cottage pie for dinner last night

‘TANIA was out-of-sorts yesterday – she must have broken a fingernail or run out of blusher – and she has decided that she wants to leave the Big Brother house tonight.

With so much heavy make-up, Tania was worried that her head would soon fall off

Her wish is almost certain to come true, with the British public (or, at least, that proportion of the British public who have not fallen into a zombie-like trance watching the show) expected to vote for her in record numbers.

”I feel like I don’t fit in any more,” the shop assistant said. ”I feel like I want to hear my name tomorrow. I feel I have to exaggerate me, exaggerate Tania, for anyone to pay attention. And I hate that. That makes me sick.”

What could she mean? Could this be the reason why she plucks her eyebrows 176 times a day and spends 90% of her waking hours applying make-up?

She’s even managed to bore herself, pleading with a camera in the girls’ bedroom to leave her alone. ”Don’t look at me cos I’m boring, okay,” she snapped. Don’t worry, love – most of us stopped looking about five weeks ago.

‘MISS Piggy, alias Fake Tan, aka the make-up artist formerly known as Tania, will not have to agonise any longer about whether to walk out of the Big Brother house – on Friday, the British public will surely make her choice for her.

Tania runs out of blusher

She is the hottest favourite yet for eviction with Ladbrokes quoting her at 1-3 for the boot, with other nominees Steph at 3-1 and Nush the outsider at 8-1.

”I don’t get it,” Tania said when the names were announced. Poor dear – she’s been in the house for almost five weeks and she still hasn’t worked out how the game works.

One person who won’t be sad to see Tania go is Gae. After managing to make the drama queen cry on Monday night by saying she ate like a pig, the newest housemate was given the silent treatment yesterday.

Meanwhile, Cameron’s going to come back from South Africa a very smelly boy at this rate, having missed the communal shower for the second day running.

Obviously, he is not packing much more in the trouser department than Fed, although he at least is likely to be spared a grilling on the subject from Davina McCall after her ‘winkle’ interview with the Italian Scot attracted a record number of complaints.

‘HAVING searched the whole of Britain for an interesting person willing to spend a few weeks in the Big Brother house, the show’s producers have clearly given up and have turned to a different continent for help.

Cameron denies that TV has changed him

Scottish prude Cameron is being sent off to South Africa to perv at the girls in that country’s version of the show, while a South African contestant will have to watch paint dry in the company of Tania, Nush, Gos, Ray et al.

Pity Gaetano Kagwa, the Ugandan student, who has been selected to replace the Orkneys fish trader and will enter the house this evening.

He has reportedly been enjoying a bit of jiggery and a lot of pokery with Abby in the South African version of the show, but is likely to find it a bit harder with Steph, Nush and Tania to choose from.

Meanwhile, no-one in the house has even noticed that Cameron has disappeared. Only about four hours after he disappeared into the diary room never to emerge did someone suggest that there was anything odd.

Let’s hope his arrival in the South African house makes a little bit more impact

‘IT is hard to take anyone who has been out with Peter Andre seriously, but there is one person who seems to manage it – Tania herself.

Not-so-mysterious girl

The eyebrow-plucking shop assistant had another sense of humour failure last night after Cameron’s feeble attempt at banter went awry.

As six of the seven remaining inmates enjoyed a banquet meal in the reward room, the Scottish fish trader told off Tania for smoking at the table.

”This is a classy evening, not some old slapper do,” he said, much to Tania’s displeasure, although it was surely only the ‘old’ part of ‘old slapper’ that she could object to.

Earlier, Cameron had left Nush miffed after deciding that she should be the one to miss out on the banquet – and that could prove a bad tactical decision.

Up to now, Nush (together with Gos and Steph) has been one of Cameron’s allies, while Ray, Tania and Scott all nominated him for eviction last week. And now it’s odds on that old slapper Tania will do so again this week

‘THE three remaining girls seem to have decided that Mr Tickle, aka Jon The Physics Geek, is not so bad.

Mr Tickle

”I’ve warmed a lot to Jon, more so than I ever thought I would,” Steph said. ”And me,” agreed Tania. ”I think when he doesn’t get irate he’s lovely which is about 98% of the time,” said Nush.

Which would explain why Tania and Nush both nominated him for eviction – for the third time in four weeks. You’d hate to see what these girls are like if they really started to go off someone.

In fact, of the six housemates who nominated Science Boy for eviction last week, Steph is the only one who seems genuinely to have warmed to him and not put his name down again this week.

In fact, most of the housemates seem to be coming up with the same names over and over again – except Jon. His calculations have led him to pick six different names in seven goes (with Federico the only one to recur).

After all, he is, as he explained, ”a physicist and of no small intellect”.

‘EVEN Big Brother, it seems, is getting tired of the dismal housemates in this year’s show, deciding that this week not one, but two, of them will be thrown out.

”So you’re saying one plus one is what exactly?”

The inmates reacted to the news in typical fashion, with Tania quick to complain that it wasn’t fair – and then having to admit that she didn’t even understand what it meant.

The boys explained it to her in words of one syllable, before the penny finally dropped for the horse-faced shop assistant. ”Two housemates,” she exclaimed, having just performed a taxing piece of mental arithmetic.

It’s just as well that the dreadful Sissy is no longer in the house – she could burst into tears at the mere mention of the n-word; imagine how she’d have bawled to learn this news.

Meanwhile, the bunch of losers look set to fail another weekly task after Gos managed to misunderstand the instructions for the ‘superhero’ task.

Big Brother is trying to come up with easier tasks every week to prevent total starvation in the house, but the housemates’ incompetence is up to everything that has been thrown at them.

Watch them screw up the ‘tying your own shoelace’ task in Week 9 or the ‘reciting your own name’ in Week 10

”’FOR this week’s task you must all create superhero alter egos for yourself,” said Cameron as he read aloud the week’s task. ”With a name, a costume, an arch-enemy, a motto, a special power, a superhero pose and a theme tune.”

By day, the housemates were as dull as dishwater. By night, they were just the same – only in spandex

Easy for Cameron, then – a nice pair of slacks, a few words about Mrs Slocombe’s pussy and a hands-on-hip stance will finally complete his transformation into John Inman.

Such imagination was sadly lacking from the rest: Ray pulled on a Batman-type costume; Federico dressed up as Toothpick Man, in a crimson all-in-one; Tania became Wonder Girl; Nush turned into Wet Weekend Woman; Gos became Oven Cleaner Man; Jon mutated into a Human; Steph took on the guise of Non-Entity Girl and Scott was – and is – Damon Grant.

Of course, only some of those alter egos are true, and in actual fact Nush had designs on a leopard-print costume and a role as a champion pooper scooper.

”If your dogs poop, I will scoop!” she cried. And with amount of crap on show, she’ll need to be super fit to keep up with things

‘FEDERICO – he can’t manage to pedal a pedalo properly, he can’t tell the difference between the Cub Scout promise and the Cub Scout law and now we learn he has a tiny willy.

Fed explains why the show’s called Big Brother

Tania, who one suspects is no stranger to male genitalia, brought the subject up during a chat with her fellow girls yesterday – and Steph admitted that she had caught a peep of the object in question.

‘It’s dinky – teeny weeny,’ she confirmed, much to the delight of the other girls.

But if Fed is lacking in the trouser department, it seems that one of the other housemates is making up for him.

‘There’s someone in here,’ Tania confided in Nush, Steph and Sissy, ‘I’m not going to say it – but there’s someone here who’s hung, like in a major way.’

Who could it be? Could the girls work it out with only four guesses? Cameron? No. Jon? No. Scott? No. Gos? No. We give up, leaving the last word to Steph.

‘SISSY is a sensitive soul. When Nush told her off for using a teabag, she burst into tears. Nush was so upset that she had upset Sissy that she burst into tears. And that was enough to set Sissy off again.

Two housemates are already believed to have drowned in Sissy’s tears

So, when Sissy found out that she had been nominated for eviction this week, it was never a question of whether she would cry, but how many tears would fall.

Ray offered Sissy a shoulder to cry on, but very soon he was washed away in a tidal wave of self-pity.

The ginger Scouser has decided that there is a conspiracy against the girls and is sure that by the end of the week she will join Anoushka and the fat one who went last week on the outside.

”If you were a girl, you’d be scared,” she told Jon (who, together with Federico, is also up for the chop).

Scared maybe of house pervert Cameron, who once again managed to walk into the girls’ bedroom unannounced and caught Tania changing. Once may be an accident, Cameron, but every day

‘If the housemates continue to fail their weekly tasks, the show might spawn a new spin-off. Oh, yes, dear Big Brother fan, the Big Brother diet is in it infancy.

Happy Nush

Scott, for one, hopes it will not get any further. He’s worried about the lack of booze in the diet and wants to have at least one good night on the beers.

It might yet happen, but our keep-fit instructor, Federico, is odds-on to scupper things. Sure as eggs are not part of the diet, Federico will fail to understand the most basic of rules and cost the group a chunk of their weekly budget.

Before long it’ll be like watching Tenko, with Gos as Major Yamauchi, and Nush as Mrs Dominica Van Meyer.

”You ladies want to eat, you have to earn your food,” Gos will say. ”Whatever you make us do, you will never break us,” says an indomitable Nush.

”Ring bells in succession and don’t mess up,” barks Gos. Federico laughs manically in the background before spitting in the communal pot of gruel.

‘GIVEN that the muppet Federico is still in the house, you would have thought the housemates would be keen to bet the minimum 50% on their weekly task – a bell-ringing exercise.

Strange man seen in Big Brother house

But, for some reason trusting that the woeful Scot can’t mess it three times in a row, they have plumped for 65%, meaning that failure will leave them only 52p per person per day to live on.

”All it takes is one wrong bell,” observed Ray. And, if they want to eat like kings next week, they should bet 100% of their food budget that that wrong bell will be in the hands of Federico.

Meanwhile, Tania has got the hump with Ray after he made a lewd suggestion to her. ”I’ve never been spoken to like that in my whole life,” she moaned. ”He made me feel like a whore.” Hardly – he didn’t even offer to pay.

Finally, even from outside the house, Justine is casting a suitably large shadow over proceedings.

Rivalling Jon’s decision to take condoms with him into the house for ‘wishful thinking’, she said: ”I think I will be missed.” Yeah – and Jon will get his leg over tonight

‘YOU can tell a lot about someone by the type of fruit they prefer. Eleven pieces of fruit were delivered to the starving housemates – one for each them.

A fine pear

Tania and Nush each chose a banana. You know what that means? That’s right, they like bananas. At least, they like bananas more than they like apples and oranges.

Or rather, they liked bananas more than they liked apples and oranges at that moment in time. At another time, in another place, Nush may just as easily go for an apple. She’s like that is Nush. All banana eaters are like that.

It’s not much of a revelation but, then, these housemates haven’t given us much to get our teeth into. Bananas is all they and we have.

It’s not known whether or not Jon and Justine prefer bananas over apples over oranges. We have never seen either of them eat fruit on camera – which is something of an oversight. But if we did, we’d know about it – and about them.

‘FEDERICO has now managed to mess up not one, but two of the weekly tasks – condemning the housemates to live on a diet of sawdust and broken glass for another seven days.

Fed’s a right tit; Tania checks for a left one

But will he own up? So far the puny little Scot has wrestled with his conscience and won – which doesn’t say much for the strength of his conscience.

Ray went absolutely ballistic when he found out that next week’s shopping budget would be £36.23 – enough only for a couple of large bottles of vodka and some sleeping pills.

How will he react when – and if – he finds out that it was his little buddy who screwed up for the second week running?

Meanwhile, Jon is becoming increasingly weird, telling housemates that he knew exactly how the world was formed, before adding: ”I’m trying to decide how God plays a role in today’s world.”

What of the girls? Well, judging by this week’s nominations, there is a high degree of female solidarity showing through. None of the girls voted for each other except Tania – and she looks very much like the kind of girl who’s happily nick her best mate’s boyfriend.

‘JON is a twin. Justine is also a twin. We are under the sign of Gemini. Can the fact that Jon and Justine are up for eviction be linked to the planets?

”And if I squeeze with a pressure equivalent to 2.3 Newtons…”

Perhaps yes. Perhaps no. Jon does have a hairy back – something not seen on TV since World of Sport and Dickie Davies took us wrestling.

And Justine is too fat to win. There are, of course, many cameras in the house and since we know that each camera puts on 10lbs in weight, it might be just plain unlucky that they are all pointing at Justine all the time.

So who will go and who will stay? The smart money says that Jon will remain in the house for far longer than his entertainment credentials merit.

Jon is a loser, a dog among underdogs, and that gives him a chance with the great British public. ”I’m sorry everybody,” said Jon apologetically. ”I’m sorry I’m really shit at this.”

Ah, poor Jon, he’s just an everyday loser – whereas, as we know, the rest of the gang are special cases.