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OPINION

Hiaasen: Did I say ‘brick?’ No, no, Donnie, I meant Ivanka’s dumb as a stick!

First, you know Ivanka and I have had our differences. It’s no secret that she actually hates my guts, which is fine. Lots of people do. Almost anybody who’s spent time with me, to be honest.

However, Wolff’s book says I describe your daughter as “dumb as a brick,” a phrase I’ve never used in my life.

Now, it’s somewhat possible that – in an unguarded moment — I said she was “dumb as a box of rocks,” a phrase I use many times a day.

In fact, I say it so often that nobody who knows me takes it seriously anymore, or gets their itty-bitty feelings hurt.

I know you were also infuriated by remarks made by me suggesting that Donald Jr. and Jared Kushner were “treasonous” and “unpatriotic” for meeting with those Russian bozos who promised to deliver dirt on Hillary Clinton.

(By the way, remember who came up with the whole “Crooked Hillary” riff? You’re welcome. And, BTW, I won’t tell a soul that it wasn’t your idea.)

Am I seriously alleging that your son and son-in-law knowingly committed treason on that notorious day at Trump Tower in Manhattan?

No, sir, because I’m confident Don Jr. and Jared had no clue what they were doing when they sat down with Putin’s operatives. Junior and J-Kush are nice young men, but who are we kidding? It gets back to that “box of rocks” thing again.

There are other parts of the Wolff book that I feel compelled to address. For instance, I’m not the one who snitched about your fear of having your food poisoned and your preference for eating McDonald’s because the burgers are pre-cooked and therefore safe from your enemies.

Between you and me, the source of that leak was probably one of your Secret Service agents. I’ve heard them gripe about having to wait in line at the drive-through for your lunch delivery, and how they can’t get the smell of the fries out of their upholstery.

The Wolff manuscript also quotes several White House advisers, some by name, disparaging you as stupid, crazy, and “a dope.” Even your pal Rupert Murdoch apparently said you’re a “f------ idiot.”

In my own defense, Mr. President, I never stooped quite that low. If you ever read the whole book from cover to cover – and I know that would be a first — you’ll see I was much tougher on your staff than I was on you.

Still, feel free to rant and call me names. It helps clean out the old arteries.

In your official response to the published book excerpts, you said I’ve “lost” my mind, which is kind of funny because that’s exactly what people told me when I went to work for your campaign.

Admit it, bro – you knew I was a vicious, self-serving opportunist when you hired me. Everybody in Washington knew.

Then, once the shock of winning the election wore off, you put me on the White House payroll and gave me a seat on the freaking National Security Council! Good times, right?

Someday you and I will sit down have a laugh about how we hijacked the whole country. I’ll buy you a sack of Quarter Pounders, you’ll buy me a steak.

In the meantime, your lawyer is threatening to sue me for defamation. If I may offer one final piece of advice, the last thing in the world you need right now is me sitting in a court of law, under oath, talking about everything we said and did, and planned to do.

With all due respect, Mr. President, you’d have to be dumb as a brick to let them put me on the witness stand.

Sorry. Make that a box of rocks.

Carl Hiaasen is a columnist for the Miami Herald. Readers may write to him at chiaasen@miamiherald.com.