Giants Week: Tips for joining the San Francisco baseball bandwagon

Like thousands of households across the Bay Area, ours has turned into a shrine of worship for the San Francisco Giants. But it definitely didn’t start out that way. As recently as a month and a half ago, my wife and young sons weren’t watching baseball, and I used the game mostly as a way to pass time when I did yard work or set up the barbecue.

Fast forward to last night, when I was giving my wife the latest in a crash course of Giants 101.

bleacherreport.net

This is Cody Ross. I think his yard has some weeds that need pulling …

Wife:“Who’s that?”

Me:“Pablo Sandoval. He’s lazy, and swings at everything and refuses to lose any wei …”

And then, on cue, the Panda cut my insult short with a two-run double.

That exchange becomes important for Lesson #4 of my tips for joining the San Francisco Giants baseball bandwagon. Let’s be clear that while I’m a lifetime Giants fan, baseball is my third favorite sport behind basketball and football. (Fourth if you count mixed martial arts.) So technically, I’m in the middle ground between bandwagon jumper and real fan. Hopefully that makes me qualified to dispense this kind of advice.

With the Giants one win away from a World Series, it’s not too late to become a fan! My tips are below. Yours in the comments. For more research, please read my friend and Poop contributor Jill Tucker’s Chronicle story about bandwagon Giants fans. (And take the quiz at the bottom of her story!)

Lesson #1: It’s OK to be a bandwagon jumper, but don’t go to games: Beth Spotswood recently wrote a very funny Culture Blog piece about going to a Giants playoff game. My favorite part: When her mother, father and brother — who had four tickets to an SF/Atlanta game — started debating whether they should give the fourth ticket to someone outside of the family who is an actual fan. Bandwagon jumping is fine. But playoff tickets should only go to serious fans and people who otherwise made at least a minimal investment in the team before they got good. (Sorry, Beth!) If you find yourself with a playoff ticket, please hand it over to the nearest real fan. Up to a 20 percent markup in price is acceptable.

Lession #2: Don’t look directly into Brian Wilson’s beard. If you do, you will see how you die. As my friend Jason Lloren noted after I made this observation on Twitter, it’s similar to the next-to-last scene in “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” when Indy and Marion Ravenwood keep their eyes shut while the Nazis open up the Ark of the Covenant and their faces start melting. Just to be safe, I try not to watch Wilson on an HD set. Instead, I watch the ninth inning on a 20-year-old Zenith I got from my grandmother after she passed away.

Ben Margot/AP

“Marion, don’t look at it. Shut your eyes and don’t look at it no matter what happens …”

Lesson #3: Don’t fake it. When you’re around real fans, it’s best not to speak unless you’re spoken to. If you have questions, identify the friendliest person in the room and whisper to them quietly. (Nothing kills playoff buzz faster than a bandwagon jumper asking how many outs are in an inning in the middle of a rally.) And definitely don’t fake it. You will eventually call the game a match or refer to Juan Uribe as The Panda or something. It’s easier to get away with being a mob informant than passing yourself off as a baseball fan.

Lesson #4: It’s OK to badmouth The Panda. Pablo Sandoval feeds off fans’ negative energy. At the moment that you completely give up on the third baseman, he’ll get a clutch hit. And just when you start to feel a little guilty because you doubted him, he’ll swing at a forehead-level fastball or ground into double play. For the good of the team, I always cut loose with a series of sharp defeatist criticisms when Pablo comes to bat. (Note: In the playoffs, this tactic also seems to work for Aaron Rowand and Edgar Renteria.)

Lesson #5: We must all treat Cody Ross as if he were 13th Century English royalty. I checked the MLB rulebook, and with his 37th clutch hit in eight games, Cody Ross has officially established the right of Prima Nocta in San Francisco. Since most of us aren’t engaged to be married, we must find other ways to honor this man. (For starters, Ross never has to look for a parking space in San Francisco again. And isn’t his car looking a little bit dirty? I’ll get my toothbrush …)

Lesson #6: If politicians who clearly weren’t very interested in baseball last month start showing up for World Series games, don’t vote for them. Not naming names …

Lesson #7: Watch the game live: This isn’t “Modern Family” or “Mad Men.” Unless you’re stuck in a Chilean mine or running an important errand for Cody Ross, there’s no good reason to DVR the game and watch it later.

Tell me what I’m missing in the comments. And go Giants!

PETER HARTLAUB is the pop culture critic at the San Francisco Chronicle and founder of this parenting blog, which admittedly sometimes has nothing to do with parenting. You can follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/peterhartlaub.