The NBA Got Its Newest Owner, And His Name Is Absolutely Amazing

There are very few positive things about living in New Jersey. One of them, though, is the fact that online gambling is legal so I don’t have to make the hour trek down to the shithole known as Atlantic City to feed my degenerate gambling addiction. Since it’s become legal, I’ve seen — no exaggeration — at least ten commercials a day trying to get me to hook my credit card up to an online slot machine. One of the commercials is for the Golden Nugget casino, and it begins the same way every time, with the Golden Nugget CEO coming out and saying, “Hey guys, my name is Tilman Fertitta!”

What kind of name is Tilman Fertitta? It sounds like some weird Mexican dish that’s too authentic to be served at Taco Bell. Imagine being born, the doctor asking your parents what they want to name you, and your mother says, “Put Tilman Fertitta on the birth certificate!” Image graduating college and they announce your name wrong at graduation trying to pronounce “Tilman Fertitta.” Imagine going to Starbucks every morning and having the barista announce to the crowded coffee shop, “Non-fat skim mochaccino for Tilman Feritta!” Lastly, and most hysterically, imagine banging some chick, telling her, “Say my name!,” and she responds in loud, orgasmic pleasure, “TILMAN FERTITTA!”

Rockets owner Leslie Alexander has reached an agreement to sell the team to Houston billionaire Tilman Fertitta for an NBA-record $2.2 billion, according to multiple reports on Tuesday morning.

Yup, the man with the best worst name ever is the NBA’s newest owner. Now all of James Harden’s paychecks are going to be signed by a man named Tilman Fertitta himself.

Sure, he owns a few sub-par casinos that haven’t been relevant since the Sinatra days, but how does Fertitta have the moolah to pay the highest price ever for a sports team?

Fertitta — dubbed “the world’s richest restaurateur” by Forbes magazine, which listed him among the 250 wealthiest people in America at a net worth of $3.1 billion

Restaurants. The dude owns restaurants, and some pretty famous ones at that. Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. is owned by him, as is Rainforest Cafe. Yup, remember that overpriced restaurant with shitty food that had an animatronic pirate and gorilla like some Disneyland knockoff? Your grandparents probably took you there when you were like five or something. Tilman profited off that.

In addition to the restaurants, Tilman has his own show on CNBC. He’s almost a walking clone of the reigning coolest owner in sports, and the best shark on CNBC’s Shark Tank, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban. Speaking of which, now the Lone Star State has the holy trinity of sports owners: Mark Cuban, Jerry Jones, and Tilman Fertitta. Why does Texas get all the cool sports owners? Us New York-area people are stuck with the Steinbrenners and James Dolan. I’m guessing the owners of the Houston Astros, San Antonio Spurs, Houston Texans, and Dallas Stars are pretty boring in comparison, though. I left the Texas Rangers off that list because #44 used to own them, so they get a pass.

Welcome to the NBA, Tilman Fertitta. Maybe one day you’ll hoist a championship trophy with Houston; after all they’ve been through these past couple weeks they sure do deserve it. I’d almost be jealous of your over $3 billion net worth if I didn’t remember that no amount of money could ever change the fact that your birth name is Tilman Fertitta..

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Previously known for being the 4th best improv comedian in the state of New Jersey, he enjoyed a brief career in politics by serving on his fraternity's eboard until a scandal not as bad as the Lewinsky scandal, but more memorable than Whitewater lead to his resignation. Now, he spends his time making God awful jokes in chapter meetings, rooting for a shitty New Jersey hockey team, and serving on the congressional committee set to determine whether Oprah Winfrey should be classified as a cult or a religion.