You’re not on your holidays yet lads!

Another bad day at the office!First off, Jonas Gutierrez and Tim Krul, you can go outside and play on the swings as this doesn’t apply to either of you. Toodlepip.

Right, as for the rest of you, sit down, shut up, pay attention.

During our last game it came to my attention that the bulk of you appeared to believe you were somewhere else other than Anfield and playing for Newcastle United. Now I can accept defeat, easily, but what I will always kick up about is a lack of effort and intent. That is what I witnessed today. If you lot were paid for effort you would owe money right now!

Danny Simpson, come to the front of the class. What was up with you today? Why do you always back off the attacker? Sometimes you need to take the bull by the horns young man.

Williamson, if you’re going to try and shepherd a ball out of play then at least make sure there is enough pace on the ball or you make it impossible for the attacker to get to. Yes the penalty was harsh and Suarez fell over like he’d been consuming vast amounts of Dalglish’s Buckfast, but really you shouldn’t have got yourself in that position in the first place.

Colo, Colo, Colo. What happened dude? You are usually Mr reliable, which is why it shocked me when you were pulled about like a ragdoll for the third goal. You have high standards so I’ll put this one down to a blip.

Jose. Hello Jose, here, woooo, over here, that’s it sunbeam. You do realise you are still playing for Newcastle United don’t you? You do? So why look so uninterested? I’ve noticed you daydreaming for weeks now and wonder what is on your mind? You’ve become a liability and I think you need a spell on the bench to reflect on things.

Joey, you know the other week when you bragged that you were the best in class? Do you realise that you aren’t now? Has it sunk in yet?

Kev, where were you big fella? I noticed you went missing for large periods of the game today. I hope you weren’t skiving round the back of the bikesheds?

Cheik, what have I told you about lashing out every five minutes. You’ll end up in detention more often if you don’t buck your ideas up.

Ah, The Great Dane. I can’t remember anything you did today. All you’ve done is sit at the back of the class and not say boo to a goose. You need to get involved a bit more Peter!

Shola, I know you aren’t the brightest tool in the shed, but when you try you can be a real handful and can almost be at the top of the class. I just wonder why we don’t see the application from you at all times?

Now I know it’s a crude interpretation of player ratings, but most of the lads deserve a bollocking after today. What makes it more frustrating is that we’ve all seen what they can achieve when they try. Yes we are safe barring a catastrophe of us losing all of our games and the bottom clubs basically winning all of theirs, but it doesn’t excuse complacency.