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February 14, 2008

I'm feeling like such a bad mom right now. I try to act as I always have, but seem to keep failing. I don't want to play. I'm irritable. Days like today, I got Kayden up and dressed and out the door (only 15 minutes late, which is an improvement) and felt pretty good about this. But then noticed on our way to the sitter's house that his pants had a hole in the knee. It's freezing and snowing today. I felt like crying.

I bought a train pass for $100, intending to save money on gas. I've also failed at this. I've only taken the train into work twice this month and have been late both days. If I don't get to the train station by 7:00 a.m., I'll be late. And that's if I can even find a parking space. Today, I had to go to the next station down the line to get a space. I was about two hours late, due to bad weather, train delays, and traffic.

I absolutely cannot afford to keep living like I am. Josh has not given me his share of the mortgage for three months now. He was flaky with the payment even before I asked for the separation. I think he figured I would use my graduation money on his share. Which I did. Since the separation, I guess he feels that he doesn't live there so he doesn't have to pay. It's only my name on the mortgage, so I'm guessing there's not much I could do legally.

The mortgage payment equals one paycheck of mine. I also have to pay for Kayden's daycare, which is nearly half of my second paycheck. My car payment takes up the second half of the second paycheck. You know what this means? I'm living on my credit card. I have no choice that I can see. It makes me want to cry. I know I can make things better once I get back on my feet, but this makes me feel horrible.

I'm already feeling the pressure of living in an empty house. Several times, Kayden has said something like, "Can I watch Star Wars?" "Can we play Go Fish?" But he can't, because they are packed and in storage. I get so bored at home now. I have books to read and yarn to crochet, but I can't really focus.