SportsCrack Blog

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Our buddy Pooner over at Poon of the SEC alerted me to his new Alabama Crimson Tide football schedule. As you can see in the picture above Nick Saban's crew should be quite titillating with a schedule that starts off with a game against a spanky/spunky Clemson squad in Atlanta. Poon of the SEC is trying to gather all of the terrific SEC poon out there to make schedules for their respective teams and not just BAMA poon. So if you have some good SEC Poon pictures be sure to send them to him but of course you might want to send them to me first so I can make sure they are worthy. Duty calls people and I consider myself an expert in the SEC Poon living down here in Atlanta.

Trust me, I have seen plenty of potential from schools such as Georgia, Florida, and Auburn. So don't let this BAMA poon be the only one...she says pretty please...

Actually, I could care less about those flopping fakers over there in Italy but the women love them. And to show off their love for all things Italian in soccer they stalk them at practice and in a bizarre mating ritual they run at them while stripping off their clothes in order to gain the respect of the flopping fakers.

Watch as the predator stalks the prey, ripping their clothes off while hunting...

I'm still hoping shit like this will start happening here in the States. The 7th inning stretch should be a calling for all the beautiful women to rush the field, strip, and try to mate with their favorite athlete. Why wait for after the game when you can show your love and admiration in front of tens of thousands in attendance?

I will drink to those words any day! The picture was taken on Ohio State's campus for what it is worth. Not much then. Gas in now reaching over $4 a gallon. If those dicks at OPEC keep it up I might have to stay at home all the time and drink alone. Oh shit, never mind, I do it anyways. Good luck with your recorded billions and billions of profits!

You wretched slugs, don't any of you have the guts to fight for blood?

After a 3-9 season I'm betting Charlie either has a hot dog in his sights or one of these guys:A) Pete CarrollB) Urban MeyerC) Mark Mays

It's only a matter of time, actually 92 more days, till college football comes fighting back. Hopefully Weis has a game plan this season that doesn't consist of linemen falling down while failing to protect the QB. For some reason while staring at the picture of Weis above I came to think of him as playing the character of Johnny Ringo in Tombstone. I could imagine Weis running this little thought in his head while thinking of the menacing trio of Carroll, Meyers, and Mays...

Kobe Bryant doesn't give a shit about the San Antonio Spurs! You know why I know this stuff? Because he has time to film a spot with the whole gang of Jackass of him jumping over a bunch of snakes. Sure it's fake but so apparently were those rape allegations. It's time for me to now forgive Kobe. He seems like a really cool dude. I can now stamp my ticket to hell.

It's amazing what the drama of PGA Golf can do to some folks. And if you give them a few beers while soaking in the sun all day it is just a matter of time before they decide to take a dip...Phil Mickelson or Lefty as all the retards call him may have won The Colonial on Sunday but the real winner was the fan.

And like all ten of them seems very uninterested in the Marlins or the game itself. I'm not sure what is happening with Jessica Biel but I think her career is starting to go down the crapper. She already has some major bumps on her lower left lip from Derek Jeter's cock and now she won't even wear makeup to cover it up while sipping on Bud Light with the locals. She might as well call it a day and give into the Playboy demands or go all Halle Berry in "Monster's Ball" in order to appease the masses. And by appease I mean to release an amateur sex video.

The Daily Dump is SportsCrack's review of the day before today while sitting on the porcelain throne, sometimes painful, sometimes oh so sweet...

MLB-The Reds have finally decided to call-up superstar prospect Jay Bruce for tonight's game against the Shitsburgh Pirates. It's about fucking time! Bruce has been destroying AAA pitching this season and has little if anything left to prove in the minors. The Reds outfield of Adam Dunn, Ken Griffey Jr., and Corey Patterson has been weak all season so I'm not sure what the hold up was in keeping Bruce down at Louisville. Bruce will more than likely start tonight in centerfield which means once prized Cubs prospect Corey Patterson could be getting his release papers today. At least this now gives me a reason to watch the Reds play tonight against the lowly Pirates on the MLB package.

-Speaking of rookies, Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Clayton Kershaw made his MLB debutthe other day against the St. Louis Cardinals and was extremely impressive for a 20 year old. The 6-foot-3 lefty walked one, gave up 5 hits, and struck out 7 while giving up 2 runs in 6 innings of work. His fastball was hitting 96 while his breaking ball was buckling knees while hitting the mid 70's. When the Orioles were talking to the Dodgers to see what kind of interest they would have with Erik Bedard during the offseason the main prospect the O's were interested in was Kershaw. It appears from a distance the Dodgers made the right move in keeping Kershaw. He has future ace written all over him. Plus he replaces Jason Schmidt in the rotation because the old man can't take a shit without going on the disabled list.

-Chase Utley drove in 6 runs in a 20-5 rout over the Colorado Rockies. The Phillies are starting play good ball but what in the hell happened to the Rockies? They sit at 20-31 and look like they will suck balls all season. I guess their magical mystical run to the World Series last season was just that. Their pitching is pathetic and their offense is non-existent without Holliday and Tulowitzki in the lineup. Clint Hurdle needs to work on his constantly red alcoholism face by chugging more Jack in the dugout, it's going to be a long season in Denver.

-Damn, Brandon Webb might now lose 9 in a row. Webb suffered his second straight defeat yesterday in Atlanta after winning his first 9 games. Of course his defense didn't help him as 3B Mark Reynolds committed his 9th error of the season thus leading the Braves to another easy home victory and a split of the 4 game series. Severna Park native and hopefully future O's player Mark Teixeria collected 4 RBI's as the Braves improved to 22-7 at home while sitting tied with the Phillies for second place in the National League East.

-Finally Nick Markakis broke out of his your "slowly killing Fairchild to death slump" yesterday by clobbering a homerun while going 3-4 against the hated New York Yankees in helping rookie Garrett Olson pick up his 4th win of the season. Hopefully the "confidence booster" of yesterday's performance will help Kakes reestablish himself as one of the top young talents in the game. His strikeout ratio has been alarmingly high and either he needs to make some adjustments in his long stroke or hitting coach Terry Crowley needs to be fired asap. With the way the O's have been hitting all season, or shall I say lack of hitting, I think Crowley needs to get the pink slip now.

NBA-The Pistons beat the Celtics to even the series at 2-2. An interesting point my wife made to me last night while we were watching the game, she thinks the Pistons are a better team because they have set plays while the Celtics pretty much hand it to either Garnett, Pierce, or Allen and tell them to do their thing. She has a good point and I think the Pistons will win game 5 in Boston. Mark it down because as marriage is teaching me, never, ever, disagree with the old lady. Now excuse me while I go wash out the sand out of my vagina.

NHL-What in the holy hell has happened to the Pittsburgh Penguins? They have been shut out twice by the mighty Detroit Red Wings and even their goaltender Marc Andre Fleury is choking while trying to run out on the ice...

Graceful, isn't he? Evgeni Malkin and Marian Hossa have been non factors so far for the Penguins and unless both of them step up quickly there is a good chance they could get swept. If you smell a faint odor of pooh it's a good chance it's from the NHL commissioner's box after seeing his poster boy in Sidney Crosby being held without a point in the first two games on the biggest stage.

NFL-Vince Young almost quit after his rookie season in order to party shirtless with a bunch of dugans. The picture on the right is of him partying in the meat packing district while sweating profusely because Madonna's latest with JT is off the hook. If you don't think Young is bringing back the queer while roping the steers in Texas well then you haven't been listening to him...

"I really thought long and hard about it," Young told the Web site.

Only porn stars, catholic girls, and gay men think about things long and hard. And to top it all off Young had these priceless quotes...

"I have a stronger circle," Young told the Web site. "Now I can handle this kind of stuff without it making me want to give up football. I learned that 24/7 I'm representing the Titans and, especially, the kids all over I am trying to influence. I look at my man Michael Vick. I learned from that. I look at Pacman [Jones]. I learned from that. I look at some troubles recently for rappers T.I. and Lil Wayne, guys I listen to. I learned from them. I've learned from my life."

What about George Michael and Pee Wee Herman? It's only a matter of time before Vince in caught rubbing one off in a urinal with some other dude. In fact Vegas should start taking action on it.

-Tony Romo is still dating, or shall I say shagging, Jessica Simpson. But Tony might want to watch his back in case some other drunk dude decides to make a pass...It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL-Steroids and HGH do a body good. Especially a linebacker named Brian Cushing who just happens to play at USC...Cushing is from New Jersey originally(Jagerbombs, Jagerbombs!) and the first picture on the left is him off the juice with a serious set of man boobs. Think of Meatloaf in "Fight Club." Now he is back on the juice. Think of Sylvester Stallone in everything. It's just a matter of time before Latimer, I mean Cushing, grinds on some girl and throws her across the room because "she was leading him on!"