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Thursday, July 20, 2006

the cost of love?

one of my gf's has a lot of really nice things. diamond rings, diamond earrings, diamond bracelets, etc. all sorts of really, pretty, sparkley diamonds. she has a fairly new house in a super nice neighborhood. she has a brand new car. she doesn't have to "work." she has a housekeeper that comes twice a week and helps around the house. she has a lot of nice things. but that's about it. things.

it's heartbreaking because she is genuinely one of the kindest people i know. and while i have always known that she'd marry someone with lots of money, i never thought that she wouldn't be happy. and it's so sad when someone who just doesn't deserve to be unhappy, is. especially when it's the last thing you want for them. even moreso, when you feel it's the last thing they deserve.

i realized that i could have a lot of nice "things" too. i could be dating (or planning to marry) someone with lots of money... but at what cost? because all of the guys i had met in the past who were loaded, sucked in too many other ways. i wasn't happy then- i would have never been happy in the long run.

it's easy to look at someone who has a lot of nice things and a somewhat "easy" life and be envious. it's easy to look at things from the outside and wish that you had some of those things as well. but once you take a deeper look, you realize what is missing. and in my opinion, it's not worth the cost. i would never trade what i have, for what she has. i would never want all of those things, at the cost of losing what truly matters. because when i go to bed at night, i know that i have a man who could not possibly love me and my son any more than he does at that moment. he is always there for me emotionally. and the things that matter to me personally, are fulfilled. we might not have a ton of money and it would always be nice to have more- but in the grand scheme of things, that doesn't provide happiness. at least not by itself. and at least not for me.

now i'm not saying that you can't have it all. i believe some people do have both- money and happiness. and that's wonderful for them. i guess my whole point is that i'm marrying for love. and while i might be envious at times of the things some of my friends have, i wouldn't trade it for the world. because i have the kind of love that people spend a lifetime looking for. the kind of love that i would have hated living without, but would have always been searching for. and i wonder, what do you feel you have? or want?

42 comments:

alison
said...

Even though Chris and I are always wishing for a bigger house, a newer car, better vacations, etc., those "things" aren't what matters. It's the love we have and our beautiful children, friends, and family. You're right on the money on this one, Jenn (no pun intended!).

I stopped that thinking long ago.Now matter how much $$ you have, somebody will always have more.

Every year I always look at the "Forbes 100 Wealthiest List" and always think to myself about the guy who's number 99, 72, 35, etc. and how he might be envious at the guy (or gal) who's richer than him.

It all comes down to the people you surround yourself with. That's my solution.

Most of the people I know who have money and "things" don't have their husbands around a lot of the time. They are always traveling, working late, etc., to provide the money and the "things". I would much rather come home to Frank every night and see him playing basketball or baseball with Drew than come home to an empty house full of "things".

Without love, I know I'd be miserable. Unless a person is super materialistic, she'd miss the love part, too. Anyone can get things and pay them off later ... but you have someone to love! That's not easy to find (and hold onto). Congrats!

I am a self proclaimed material girl - I love things. I don't have as much as I would like - and it's easy for me to get envious of my best friend who didn't have to marry into because she was BORN into money. Gobs of it.

I think it's great that you are marrying for love. Is sure as hell did. But what 19 year olds have money? I know people who married for money too and I feel bad for them. It kind of makes you wonder what the cost of a lonely life is worth to them.

I will be honest and say though that we do have a certain amount of things at this point. And I won't apoligize for them. We both work hard for the things we have. But it is a balance, we could work harder and have more, but it isn't worth it. Living life is way more important.

i am with ya. i always tell matt its obvious i didn't marry him for his money lol. i married for love. and so did he. and i'd rather have NOTHING than not be happy in my marriage and NOT be in love with my husband.

Neil and I were talking about this just the other day. Our friend Jody and his wife has lots of nice things, but he works everyday but Sunday from 4 a.m. until 7-7:30 p.m. He gets off work, eats, and goes to bed. I told Neil that I'll take having home with us everynight over all their toys anyday! lol

It's a good point, and one that is well taken, in this age of consumerism. Sometimes it seems like the pursuit of "things" is all people care about. Even in a good marriage, based on true love, there can be struggles, and if you married for things, you may find yourself in trouble when that happens.

HAHAH well I do, but I want to be a happy trophy wife. At least I think a guy being responsible with a job, car, etc is attractive. He doesnt have to have a jag or anything, but someone who struggles alllll the time just turns me off. Sad I know. But I think it's a package deal.

My husband is much older than I am, so lots of people automatically think I married him for his money. This is funny because everyone knows if you are out to marry for money you should go for a divorced 50 something year old reporter, who owes monthly child support. Yeah, that's the ticket. So I definitely didn't marry for money. We both feel we took a lot on to marry for love -- he had to start all over having another young family/baby, and I had to take on a teenaged stepson and his other household and its obligations etc. But he's in love with our young son, I am nuts about my stepson and it all worked out great.....after much rockiness.But anyway, I would never do it any other way. I don't really see the need to get married other than for love. Women can raise kids on their own, have fab careers, awesome friendships, plenty of great luvahs. The only reason to tie the knot IMHO is for L-O-V-E.

From what you wrote, it sounds like your friend made her priority wealth & not the qualities the man posesses. (sp)I'm with you though, while I'd like lots of nice things, I'm much happier with what I have...a lasting & content relationship.I think your thinking about all this stuff prior to getting married is an excellent thing.

Wow, get out of my head, there isn't enough room in there for both of us. I was JUST thinking about this (and planning on posting something about it) yesterday. It's so easy to look at people who have lots of things and think they have no problems, isn't it.

that was me, loaded, unmotivated to work on growing my business and paint, and in a marriage that left me empty and dry and those things and lifestyle were a replacement for the things i really needed and wanted and then it got to be too much and I left and now I am a semi-peasant dating a lovely peasant chef. I am so much happier and more motivated and excited about life!

Sadly, I have a cousin who is searching for her "sugar daddy" and try as I might I can't convince her that money is not what's important. Thankfully, she's no where near married (one bad relationship after another) but I can see her one day living the same life as your friend. Money cannot buy happiness. Its cliche but true.

Oh, wouldn't it be nice if we had "Both"??? Or is it unconcievable to think that's a possibility in this big bad world? A little advise to all those who have true love that runs both ways, not one way traffic - grab onto it and don't let go, most of us only hear about such tales or have heard about the stories (read fairytales!). lol:) Ms. Jones

Oh, wouldn't it be nice if we had "Both"??? Or is it unconcievable to think that's a possibility in this big bad world? A little advise to all those who have true love that runs both ways, not one way traffic - grab onto it and don't let go, most of us only hear about such tales or have heard about the stories (read fairytales!). lol:) Ms. Jones

You have got to be one of the most down-to-earth, REAL people I have ever met. It's hard sometimes to accept that you might never be rich, but that you have that "love of a lifetime" instead, which is more than enough. Our society is so much about the acquisition of THINGS. Kids grow up with all the electronic gadgets they could ever want, but they don't always get parents that truly love them. That is the saddest thing of all, I think. Oh, and I hope your fiance knows how lucky he is!

Yeay! I know what you mean. I would rather have my honey home with me than have him out working a million hours a week so we could have a bigger house and more expensive car. Who cares about that stuff? I don't.

Whenever I find myself lamenting over what we don't have, I do stop and remind myself that I am lucky in other ways. I have a great husband, I have healthy children. It takes effort but I make a point of remembering that money doesn't buy happiness; that it comes from within. Some would disagree but I think your friend is a good example.

Jim calls me his 'sugar momma' because I bring home more than him does after he pays the witch and her spawn. Thank god it is short term on that too. But money aside, the love is the most important thing. And that we got. =)

I am PO! but, not so much that I cant provide for my family, and we're happy. we have fun, we live at the coast which provides lots of free entertainment and we love each other with or without money. my kids are happy, thats really all that matters.

One of my friends lives in an incredible house, drives a Lexus, has a housekeeper, etc., so I was shocked when she started seeing a therapist this summer but couldn't get her hubby to go with her. I think they are doing OK now. She surprised me by quiting her job (and was quite the career woman I always thought!) to work for her husband. But it goes to show you that someone can have material things but not truly be happy. The hubby and I are dreaming of our "dream house" but we want to achieve that dream together. But I definitely married for love, not money.

I heard this story from an aquaintance who works in Hollywood: he was on Robert Redford's private jet. Redford was looking out the window when he suddenly said "You know who has it made? Paul Newman. He has a great career, a wonderful wife, a family who love him...that guy has it all." Coming from ROBERT REDFORD. LOL.

Sometimes I have to pinch myself...I do have that good married you for Love, kind. of LOVE. The money didn't come until there was LOTS of hard work and hard times. We are not loaded, but not average either. It can always be more, but what I have learned the more you have the more you spend and at the end of the day the thing that matters most is that everyone is home safe.

there was this lady in my hometown that my mom was always jealous of. she had a gorgeous house, great clothes, a wonderful family and lots of money.

when my mom met her, she figured there was no way the lady could be nice and funny. she was. this woman had EVERYTHING. and my mom was green with envy.

one day, my mom was reading the morning paper. this woman's husband shot her dead, and then killed himself. it turned out her hubby was kinda nutso and she wanted a divorce. he flipped.

mom has never envied anyone since. you never know what goes on behind closed doors. just because people seem perfect doesn't mean their life isnt' falling apart. with money, it's easy to cover up what is really going on.

this is why i never envy anyone too much. you just don't know if they are happy.

tony makes a good point. there will always be things i wish i had. if i didn't have everything, shopping wouldn't be much fun!

lisa-- my grandma said the same thing! weird!

besides, you can always lose money. there are lots of rich people who lose it all. if that is gone, what's left? it's kind of sad to see people in this situation.

i definitely envy people who have great marriages/boyfriends. not that other stuff. if i work hard enough, i can buy my own mercedes. but i'll never be able to buy Mr. Awesome.

I am so right there with you Jenn, although if for some reason things don't work out between J and I, I am totally marrying the 2nd time for money! lol

Seriously though, I always dated guys with little to no money. I dated one guy that had money and he was a freak (the stalker from my blog). J doesn't make a ton of money, but he works and is not broke, so that is good enough for me. Sometimes I do get sad because I know that I have to stay at my job because I am the main breadwinner, and I will never be able to stay home with my kids if I want to. Oh well, he can stay home, but only if he does all of the house work!!!