I took the advice you guys gave me and had a serious conversation about boundaries and rules in the relationship. I told him I don't like that he's been sexting other women and that to me, its cheating. He apologized for what he did and told me that he sees a future with me and does not want to mess up the relationship that we have. He promised to stop talking to these women and make serious changes to his desires and behaviours.

​

But you know when your intuition is telling you he lyin? Ya, I had that.

He gave me his phone, (unlocked) to prove to me that he isn't talking to these women anymore and that he is serious about changing. Fair enough, he did stop talking to them and blocked them. So far, I guess it's all good.

​

He has a group chat with his boys and one of them messaged him as I was on his phone. I began to read their conversation (I know, I know, I shouldn't have), but what I saw made me want to punch a wall. Earlier in the week, he had asked his boys about downloading Tinder. They all suggested getting the app because "no need to be faithful to these bitches". I notice his recent purchases on app was Tinder. I called him out on it and demanded he log in. He had set up an account and was basically ready to be unfaithful. His new reasoning/excuse was "I didn't even use it yet. I was going to delete it."

​

This man is pure ass.

​

Obviously, I broke up with him and honestly, I feel relieved. I can only imagine what would have occurred if I stayed with him. As much I wanted to break everything in sight and go off, I know that's not the right thing to do. I was civil. I told him thats it, I will always support you, but this shit is not my cup of tea.

Thought I'd update you guys on this BS. Thanks for all the supportive comments. They mean a lot.

Can confirm. My ex is also 34 and his sorry ass cheated too. 😒 I caught him red handed. Like, literally with his pants down and another woman. To this damn day he swears he never cheated and it "wasn't what I thought." 🙄🙄🙄 Yeah I'm sure you got bit by a snake and she was sucking the poison out or something like that, right? Age doesn't matter. An ain't shit man is an ain't shit man. 🤷🏻

People still act like this well into their 30s.
My piece of shit ex was the same way, complete with gaslighting and cheating. And all "his boys" were constantly cheating on their girlfriends or wives. All. Of. Them.
It's fucking gross. Dude is married to the girl he cheated on me with, with a second kid on the way and is still cheating.

These boys of his are so vile. He asked me if his friend could come to our apartment to use our bed, to cheat on his very pregnant girlfriend. I bounced shortly after that conversation.

My worst realization as an adult is that all the world is high school. The gossip, backstabbing, cheating, lying, petty, two faced BS never stops. A LOT of people never grow up. The image of adulthood I was sold as a child is a lie.

Thank goodness you broke up with him OP. Definitely the right call. I've always found "I just have a different definition of cheating than you" to more often than not be a total cop out. Trying to get by on a technicality. IMO it boils down to - does the activity make your partner uncomfortable/upset? Can you live without doing that activity? If yes, stop the activity. If no, find a partner who is cool with it.

Sorry, back up. Dude unlocks his phone and hands it to you, and you're still apologizing over reading a text that arrives in that moment? Reddit needs to come down of this idea that snooping is a cardinal sin. This isn't even snooping in this case. Why are you apologizing to reddit?

Any man who has "his boys," a group providing a safe space to denigrate women, is a piece of shit. Never accept this from anyone! I wish everyone could see their partners' interaction within friend groups (particularly same-sex) without them to truly get to know what kind of person they are. How they behave in front of you is never the whole story. It just makes me so angry to know there are so many people out there deceiving their partners like this.

100% people need to evaluate the conversation their partners have with their friends. I've had my fair share of talking shit when Im mad at him, but I would never tolerate any of my friends badmouthing him. It's one thing to speak out of emotion and another thing to plot how to get away with cheating.

Yeah I saw my exes interactions with her mommy group friends after I found out she was cheating on me. Found out she had been talking not great about for me for a long time. Things never communicated to me. Then some pretty horrible shit you never want to read. I never talked bad about her to anyone. I do agree a group convo is a good way to evaluate their real selves, you have to trust your partner though until they give you a real reason not to, so not an option. Just in general when you see people bad mouthing their partners it’s awful. If you are that disrespectful and unhappy then just find a way to end it and move on.

Wow his friend group is pure poison. Even if he didn't download tinder now, he eventually would have turned into more of a sexist asshole than he already (apparently) was. There are way too many guys out there who say shit like that and try to convince their friends to hate women as much as they do, it's creepy as fuck. Glad you got out and trusted your gut and didn't let him BS you. Anyone who happily hangs out and chats with sexist crazy people is no good to date.

Ya that whole group has some internal issues to deal with. They never directly came at me, but their whole mentality is that girls won't be faithful (They've been cheated on in the past and now justify their current cheating because of the pain they've gone through). Oh well

Ugh my ex’s friend group was the same. If they all had girlfriends they were fine with me, but if they were all single they would constantly be telling him to break up with me so he could “have fun” or inviting him to parties where they knew a girl who had a crush on him would be and tell him not to bring me. “Boys nights” out at the bars I wasn’t invited to but would later find out specific other girls were told to come. The list goes on. 🙄 good for you for ending it. Nobody needs that kind of trash in their lives. You will find better!

Unfortunately, I witnessed this happen exactly as you said with my first boyfriend. We got together in high school and did perfectly fine together, but when he got to his second year in college and started collecting a group of “bros”, suddenly he was very critical and distrustful of women and constantly made comments about “hoes” and “thots”. He started buying into the idea that no woman is to be trusted and we’re all just sluts and gold diggers and he became very insecure about whatever I was doing when I wasn’t with him. At the time, I was a very shy and nerdy 18 year old virgin with only one close female friend, but he somehow thought that I would simply turn on him one day and start screwing every frat boy on campus. He became very toxic and I’m lucky that he was the one to break up with me after I took too long to answer the phone one night (I guess he thought I was cheating), because by that time I’d been so emotionally broken that I sincerely thought I could make things work with him. When he tried to get back with me a few days later, I’d had enough time to do some soul searching and realize that he’d just become a really bad guy who I needed to cut ties with.

There are just as many women out there who encourage cheating because all men are scumbags. “Girls nights out” cost me my marriage. And my ex-wife’s biggest supporter to cheat was my female ex-cousin who I thought I was close with and could trust.

Not that I disagree with your sentiment. But, people in general, both women and men, suck period.

Hard to believe that he is nearly 30 when he and his friends think and act like 12 year olds. They are all fueling that bad behavior in each other. Good for you walking away from it, you deserve better.

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
Congrats on your massive weight loss. People are gonna be knocking down your doors to ask how you did it so quick.
But seriously, congrats- he was a huge prick and was NEVER going to be the guy you deserved to be with.

Some people are just not mature enough for a relationship. Where is the respect for your SO? It is difficult to grow respectful with such friends as you have found them out.

Good for you to have solved the problem early, not a couple of years down the road. Perhaps try to find the early warnings you have not observed: such a retrospective may help you avoid similar situations in the future.

There’s an infamous elevator scene where his sister in law, Solange, was captured hitting him. Then his wife, Beyoncé, released the song, Lemonade, which is vocally apparent that there was cheating involved with, the now iconic line, “Becky with the good hair.”

It seems the couple have worked on their relationship. I read an article where he spoke about going to counselling and working on his issues with his perception of women. I think he alluded to behavior that sounds a lot like what is being discussed here related to the OP. Perhaps people with those attitudes try to change when they have people/things they value on the line.

O shit this just happened?
That's the right kind on mindset you want to keep.
Allow yourself to feel bad so this doesn't come back strong in the future. If you need someone to talk about it or just regular chat just message me =)

I know you’re probably not ready and this is somewhat petty but I want you to take the prettiest pic of you and make a Tinder profile but then not use the app, just so your dumb ass ex sees it whilst he is swiping away looking for easy targets. Just because it will bother him and even more so that you don’t swipe on him or any dummy profiles he might make to lure you into swiping.

How you handled things sounds class A though. Good for you for taking care of yourself!

In the future, avoid the kind of trash you just dumped. There's plenty of good decent guy's out there who have all the things you want in a person. You deserve better and I hope you find better! Best of luck OP.

Definitely the right decision. It's nice that you gave him the opportunity to keep the relationship going, I think most people deserve second chances, but obviously he abused that trust horribly and irrevocably.

Good for you following your gut, the fact that you had to make him block these women says enough. Always let your significant other do what they will, because then you can see what they would rather do.

Good for you! I had this exact same thing happen with me at the beginning of last year but each time I caught him he said he would stop. This went on for months before I finally realised nothing was ever going to change and I left him. Was the best thing I ever did even though it was messy as all hell. Better things are waiting for you!

I didn't read your original post so maybe I'm missing some context. I respect ending things with class and not burning a bridge or making more drama than there needs to be but I really don't get ever telling this guy that you'd be there for him moving forward, support. He might be a good guy overall but he straight up lied to you and tried playing you multiple times. Fuck this guy. People like this will slime back into your life with even the smallest sliver of leverage... Move on and don't look back.

Good for you! NEVER EVER allow someone to break your trust, violate your boundaries, or disrespect you. There is someone so much better for you and you will find them!

I’ve been through the same BS and gave a guy an eternity to turn it around. It never changed, and I didn’t realize how bad it was until he hit me. In hindsight, I wish I would have broken it off the moment I found out he had cheated.

I'm sorry you went through that!
I'm tempted to give another chance as well. I know he didn't cheat yet, but he would have eventually. I'm glad I dealt with this as soon as I could tho.
Thank you so much for your comment :) it means a lot

Honestly, most “boys group” say stuff like that with an almost vindictive hope for future drama. I look at it as mostly fronting but once and a while one person actually does it and then everyone is either like, “you did what, na that was a joke” or “na - your in the right (maniacal laughter in their head)”. We can be as catty as some women groups.

Good on you for choosing to not keep this guy and the burden of his faithfulness on your mind.

I am so sorry you had to deal with this. At least you got out as soon as you could and didn't give him a second, second chance. He doesn't deserve it. Clearly he has no intention of staying faithful. As much as it hurts right now, this is the best decision you could have made. He would have only kept going on the way he was going and you would just keep hurting yourself by staying with him.

a lot of relationships have grey areas and you can feel bad leaving and guilty. I think you should almost be thankful that you got such an obvious and clear "this is over" discovery from him. Good luck in the future. ;D

Oh my god, I am so happy you had the self confidence and self love to end it with him! I wish I would’ve been as strong as you in my past relationship right away instead of it taking me a couple years to leave, but I eventually did and it was the absolute BEST fucking thing I ever did for myself. Your ex is a POS and definitely would’ve cheated on you in the probably not so distant future. I am SO HAPPY FOR YOU!!!!! ♥️ hugs!! Breakups always suck but you seem to be handling it well since you know your worth, and that is absolutely amazing.

Thank you so much :) this means a lot
It sucks a lot right now, but the best advice I've heard is there's no point crying over someone who's not crying over you :)
Comments and advice like this is what's going to help me a lot

He would have never change,been there. I just broke up with my boyfriend. He cheated on me, I did give him a chance, I found many times he was sending text messages, I forgive him, found out he was on other dating site to the country he was going in vacation. Give him another chance., found out just before Christmas, one hour before he was leaving that he was still doing this, did says anything and let him leave ... love makes you do things .... I was stupid to always believing him, I am the blame ! I always forgive him....
He’s 46 ... and my story happen in a three years period .. good for you that you stop it before getting hurt all over and over ...

It was one of my biggest regrets not ending it with my ex girlfriend much earlier the first time I caught her sexting. Cause it never really stops. It may cease to happen for a little bit but people like her and your ex just have some crazy internal rationalization going on that ensures the behavior will continue.

I’m glad you got out now and saved yourself the pain of when it turns physical because I guarantee that would eventually happen.

Ya. I see a lot of people in here commenting im stupid for staying this long, but it doesn't work like that. You really wish and hope people would change and it isn't until reality hits you in the face that you realize you need to accept whats going on. Sorry you went through that, but I know we'll be better off from this experience

I know what you mean. It can be very easy to notice these red flags from an objective standpoint, but for the person in love with the scumbag they’re blind to it. Not to mention the people that tend to cheat emotionally or physically are generally narcissistic and manipulative, so they control you and push your boundaries more and more.

You’re not stupid at all and I’m really glad you decided to find someone you deserve. It might take some time before you can trust anyone enough to let them in, but I eventually found someone who went through a similar experience and we both know how hurtful ALL aspects of cheating are. It’s like a dark stain on a relationship and you can scrub as hard as you want but it will never be the same and it’s best to start fresh. Best of luck to you!

I had the EXACT same experience. He was sexting and accidentally sent a text not meant for me. He insisted he didn't think it was cheating. I was like if that's the case and you think its okay you could have talked to me about it first.

Its just an excuse. I'm glad you got out of that. My ex still texts me daily (been three months) but I'm staying strong. It will happen again if you give them a chance

Haha honestly, I'm over it and know I won't get back with him so I don't mind chatting. We were good friends before we got together. He still thinks there's a chance but he wants that spark of hope so whatever. Already told him it's not happening

Ya it's tempting to give another chance in hopes of change, but I honestly think he'll change for the better a long time from now. No point trying to force someone to change quickly. They are who they are

All is great minus always supporting him. Why? He's a liar, manipulator, cheater and surrounds himself with more of the same. You're one of the "bitches" it isn't worth being faithful to. So why are you promising to be faithful in any capacity to him? Block him, go no contact and move on. If he wanted your support he should have been worth receiving it.

You will be better off, you would of had a tiring relationship of constantly checking if he cheats and paranoia, also shouldn't even support him at all in all honesty, he gave two flying f about you, and disrespected you multiple times. He obviously didn't supported or respected your relationship views and needs.

Anyways goodluck and remember that if you go back you will end up on another reddit thread talking about him.

Kudos to you! I feel like I've heard so many stories where girls are afraid to leave their boyfriends even though they catch them cheating or whatnot. Glad you were able to see through his dishonesty and leave him.

One of my GF's friends lives with her boyfriend, and she caught him cheating on her, but since they lived together, I guess she tried to make it work. Well, 5 months of that and she's finally leaving that cheating ass.

Wow. You handled that with grace and skill, good for you. Keep those high standards. It will take him a few STDs and a child or two before he gets it. In the meantime, you are light years ahead of where you would be had you stayed.

I used to hand tinder on my phone. Just for my friends to have a laugh with messaging random guys. When I fell asleep they would raid my phone.

So when my bf asked about the messages I completely forget it was even on there 🙄 I don't have it on the first few pages.

Had to get my old roommates to explain.
I don't even do nudes let alone cheat!

He believed me soon as because many people spoke up for me stating I never would. And the messages stopped when I left my first flat.

But no, tinder is a no no in relationships. Kissing onwards. I don't mind holding hands hugging hanging out with opposite sex. Heck my boyfriends snogged a few of his guy mates due to drunkness it's adorable! I filmed it and put it on Snapchat xD

I absolutely don’t agree with his behavior and the stuff that he did and his poor excuses of justifying it I think he’s an idiot but I also think you’re a moron for staying with him. you’re an idiot as well you should’ve left at the first sight of cheating you should’ve realize that when his definition differed from yours. how about you move onto a nice guy who’s not out cheating how about you just stop posting stuff about you’re possibly cheating boyfriend get on with yourself you’re just as sick as he is for making excuses to why you’re still around him you should’ve left immediately after you realize he was cheating on you

I find it absolutely hilarious that women think they have power in a relationship. Giving him all these "rules" is the funniest thing I've ever seen. No wonder he's cheating on you. You're an insecure psycho

You did the right thing. My ex did shit like this And I repeatedly caught him but stayed like an idiot. He even texted a girl for an ad he saw on Craigslist plus downloaded tinder. So many other things.

That man is never going to grow up. I’m so happy you know your worth and got away from that prick. You’re better off!!

Ugh I had a guy sleep with his ex while we were dating and tried to justify it saying he didn’t see it as cheating because he didn’t think we were “serious” (despite multiple explicit conversations where I proposed exclusivity and he agreed.) If your partner KNOWS that something they are doing would make you upset if they told you, they know it’s wrong and it’s cheating. These dudes ain’t shit. You’re better off without him!

You did the absolutely right thing. Believe me the right guy will make you his universe. We never stop just looking at women but it always brings us back to the one we love. Honestly. There’s good guys out there. Don’t settle. And happy hunting!

Thank God this all came out now and not years from now! You're so strong and amazing for sticking up for yourself and putting you first. So many people, both men and women, don't come to this realization! I hope you have an amazing life ahead of you filled with happiness and positivity!

what pisses me off is you just KNOW he’s going to be texting his boys like “this crazy bitch went through my phone and dumped me ugh what a psycho i’m done with dating” good on you for getting rid of such a loser

Great job. So many people wouldn’t be smart enough to leave, even when the obvious choice is starting them in the face.
To be a bit too critical, I do feel the need to say that he doesn’t deserve you telling him you will always support him. He’s a lying piece of crap.
But either way, you handled this so much better than many others. I wish you the best for your future relationships.

You are SOOO right to do that. I got cheated on by my bf at the time. He did the same thing, asking girls for sex on tinder. Said he just wanted to feel wanted. A few months pass and I get an STD from him sleeping with another woman on my birthday. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Congratulations for loving yourself so much that you saw past his bullshit and ended it, even when you had faith he was going to change. A lot of women wouldve accepted his excuses and let him walk all over them. I bet he never in a million years thought he would get caught. Fuck yeah girl! Thank u next it and do your thing!!! Xoxo

Yes, breaking up with him was the right move, but it’s also unhealthy if you don’t trust him enough not to look at his phone... you should probably look in the mirror. He wasn’t the only problem in the relationship.