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Tuesday, 3 April 2012

Carpet That Looks Like Wood

I check my blog stats compulsively and I love it when Blogger tells me how people got onto my blog, sometimes people stumble on across it after searching for the strangest things. Today there were three rather unusual 'Search Keywords' that led people to my blog...

To the person who found me by Googling 'can a single guy hire a au pair': First of all, it's an au pair. Second of all, of course you can, provided you have a child. If you don't have a child then no, you can not hire an au pair, you pervert.

I have no idea why my blog came up for the person who was looking for 'carpet that looks like wood'. I can only assume they clicked on a lot* of O's (you know, when you Google something it says Goooooooogle underneath the search results and each 'o' takes you to another page of results). I'm afraid you've been mislead and my blog can't offer you any carpet that looks like wood- you'll have to carry on the search elsewhere, although who can say where such a search could lead... I have a question for you- have you thought about just using actual wood?

It appears somebody also found my blog by searching for 'call girls paris left bank'. Well, to you Sir (I'm assuming you're a Sir?) I must admit that I no longer live on the Left Bank, but how much were you looking to pay? Because I could get myself there in fifteen minutes...

Finally, to the person/persons who have found my blog by searching 'Left Bank Manc'- I have no qualms with you. Only might I suggest adding my blog to your Favourites? Then you wouldn't have to keep Googling Left Bank Manc every time you fancy reading my blog. Even better, why don't you FOLLOW ME and then I can write to websites and magazines and say 'Look, I have a very successful blog with lots of followers, please can you give me a job writing a column/weekly blog post for you?' and then I can stay in Paris for ever and ever and write my blog every day and never have to worry about the future again.

As you might have guessed, I have a little confession to make, but I can't say it on here before I've talked to my friends in England about it because I'm scared they'll hate me and never speak to me again.

You see...

I'm kind of thinking...

that maybe...

I might want to...

Shit. I better tell you another time. I'm going to make myself another cup of tea and see if I can muster the energy to tell you about the weekend.

*Ooh! I've never underlined anything before! I might start doing it all the time. I was going to put this unnecessary comment in brackets but it made the sentence too confusing... Ok I don't think the underlining thing is really working for me, I'm going to stop it now... Really, what is the point in underlining things? It adds nothing to my blog, nothing! From now on I'll stick to my Idiosyncratic Way of Using Capital Letters... Also, just realised, do I normally put my footnotes in italics? I want to be consistent with my presentation but I've confused myself... I don't know who I am anymore!!

Oh gawd, I'm the computer illiterate genius who keeps googling your blog because I can't be bothered to figure out how to bookmark something. Except now that I have been called out, I painfully figured out how to bookmark, and your blog has been officially added to my favorites.

Anyways, I studied in Paris last summer, graduated uni in December, and just spent 3 months working in the Basse-Normandie region on a tourist visa. I want to come back for an extended period of time, so am considering au pairing and stumbled across you blog and really enjoy it. Also, if you want a cheap place to drink and meet Real French People, may I suggest the ultra cheap Syphax Bar (if you haven't visited already) near M station Notre-Dame- de-Lorette, where I 100% of the time had a great time. Its not the fanciest, but it's always packed and my friends and I were usually the only English speaking people in there.

Also, for those of us who can not as easily live in wonderful cities like Paris, I think you should absolutely stay. As an American I have to do a shit ton of paperwork just to even consider au pairing.......

Ah I do feel sorry for my American cousins, who can not float around Europe picking up bar work and nanny jobs so easily... Thanks for the suggestion I will try this Syphax Bar that you speak of. Also thanks for commenting and thanks for reading!!

I don't have my phone with me today and I'm in Gustave Eiffel so social networking is banned.Not sure about tonight as I now have to go for a drink with the teachers of Montaigne. Devastated. Plus I need to tidy my room as I have guests.

So to sum up:I hate life.I'm so tired and I want to die.I hate children and I never want to teach them ever again. EVER.You best not eat meat today lest you be condemn to hell.

I've lost the plot entirely.I just emailed Xavier this before I read it back,

"Thank you for the invitations but I won't be able to stay for dinner as I have a RDV with the teachers of Montaigne as it's my last week next week and we're going to take un pot with the other English Assistant.Therefore, I'll only be able to drop the money off and go as it's at 18h that we're meeting.

Olivia"What the hell, non of that is even English.

So then I tried to send this..."I think my brain is failing. That email sounded like a foreign person wrote it.Sorry,Liv"

BUT I just sent it to myself.Then genuinely though, oh look Xavier answered quickly but NAY I'd sent it to myself.LOST. THE. PLOT. SOMEONE HELP ME.

Olivia, unfortunately my blog is not a therapist's couch, what are you doing? What is wrong with you? While I appreciate the comments, I am worried for your mental state, I think you NEED to come out tonight and then your brain will start working again xx