Last night I was too busy being drag queen Sylvia London's date to Michael Musto's book party to watch The A List but, guess what, Dustin & Jayden, Manhattan's most obnoxious homosexuals were there! They were having a kiki about all the gossip on the show, so we listened in rather than listen to Countess Crackerjacks sing.

"Girl, this party is fiiiieeerrrcceeee."
"Right, queen."
"Look, there's the Countess!"
"Look, there's Jerry Springer!"
"Look, there's Michael Musto's mom!"
"Look, there's some singer showing her vagina!"
"Look, there's an open bar!"
"Look, there's a buffet!"
"You're gonna eat, queen?"
"Oh, I mean. Look, there's an open bar!"
"Like every drag queen who ever gave me a drink ticket is here."
"I know, it's like a Bryan Kent music video."
"Who the hell is she?"
"I don't know, some short bear that Mike Ruiz..."
"Who?"
"That Latino queen..."
"Which one?"
"The one who is a photographer..."
"I'm drawing a blank here."
"She's got big muscles and poodle hair?"
"Nope."
"Well, she directed this video with this guy Brian Kent and Rod-i-ney was in it."
"Oh, girl, speaking of Rod-i-ney, did you see who she brought to Reichen's half-birthday party?"
"First of all, no. Second of all, half-birthday?"
"I know queen, that shit is stupid."
"Is it cause she's half a man?"
"It's cause she got it half off. You know she ain't got no job."
"Trust! So, who did Rod-i-ney bring? His vocal coach?"
"No, his girlfriend. Guess what her name is?"
"Beard?"
"No."
"Stupid?"
"No."
"Green card?"
"Okrrrrr, but no. It's Liza."
"With a Z?"
"YQ!"
"Girl, only that queen would have a girlfriend named Lie-tha!"
"Right! That was the most exciting thing about the party. Oh, except Austin..."
"She fat."
"She fat, and she made up with Derek."
"Her face fat."
"It is, queen. Did she get stung by a bunch of bees or something? She's looking crazy lately."
"Speaking of crazy and dates..."
"What, are you going to go ask out that cute boy over there with the glasses, cause she looks crazy?"
"No, queen, I was going to tell you about Nanooshna."
"Oh, what about her? She finally got a good weave?"
"No, girl, she went out with a man. Guess where she met him."
"At the supermarket."
"No."
"At the gym."
"No."
"On Grindr."
"You stupid."
"Where?"
"Fashion week."
"What? That's like a gay guy having a girlfriend named Lie-tha! She met a straight man at fashion week and expect that he wants to touch her vagina?"
"Right, he just wants to put her in platform heels."
"And try on her wigs."
"And motorboat her."
"Boobs are fun."
"Girl, boobs are fun. Are we straight?"
"Let's ask Rod-i-ney. We can find him at Vladas later."
"Ew, who goes to Vladas. No one, that's why you go there: to tell secrets."
"What secrets does Rod-i-ney have."
"Well, she found out that Jake cheated on FAustin—that means 'Fat Austin'—and Austin cheated on Jake."
"Girl, while we're telling secrets. I'm the one who slept with Jake!"
"What, why didn't you tell me?"
"Queen, I knew you would be jealous."
"How was it?"
"Big. Bold. Uncut."
"Werq! Well, guess what. I'm the one who slept with Austin."
"What? But she..."
"Yes, she fat—where it counts."
"Werq, queen. 10s across the board! But she still fat."
"She is and now she's all running around being like 'We're married' and everyone knows they're both cheaters and everyone's mad about it, but they're all too wimpy to confront them about it."
"Pussies."
"Don't say that, Rod-i-ney might be around and get a boner."
"Girl, it would probably be a tiny boner, just like Reichen's."
"Oh, guess what, Reichen told his mom about his boner."
"What?"
"He was all 'Mom, my boner was on the internet.'"
"What did she do?"
"Girl her ears vomited and then she keeled over and died right there in the park and Reichen was all like 'Mom, mom. Get up,' running around her like a puppy but she was just dead of embarrassment."
"Well, she knows how little her son's dick is."
"Okrrrrr."
"But she was embarrassed and said he was sorry and it was the worst thing I ever heard about ever. I bet she'll never be able to Skype with him again."
"Well, Michael Musto's mom is here, we should go ask her what she thinks of her son's dick on the internet."
"No, girl, we should go get some free buffet."
"What's up with you and the food. Oh, we should go say hi to that queen Brian with the mustache who tried to grab my ass in the backroom of that underwear party in Brooklyn."
"Fuck that, she's annoying."
"Yeah, she sure is."
(SNAPS!)