Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Fate

Do you believe in fate?At the age of 47 I have come to find out that things usually happen for a reason. Let me explain. I can't say that I have lead a stress free life, on the contrary, my life, before finally figuring out that I truly deserved something better, was a for the most part filled with stress. From age two I was a nail bitter. My dad, now estranged from my life for the past 20 years wanted the appearance of " the apple pie" family. He had no skills in the raising of his children especially my older sister, Kim and myself. He was a better father to the middle child, a boy, Mike. My father was and probably still is high stress, demanding perfectionest and a male chauvinist. Woman are too look good, have wonderful figures, 38x26x36, prepare 3 coarse meals, make an income and be ready to go at a moments notice to any new adventure that might suit him. So from a young age, I was molded into the belief that I was to fill a man's desires in every aspect and put on a role of "everything is perfect" even when things were not so. I learned this role well and lived it for the first half of my life. I met a man, my first husband, whom was a younger make of my own father in most every aspect. And after only a couple of months of dating him, and seeing his life style of parties every night of the week, and becoming mean and angry after drinking too much, I had made the decision to stay in my own apartment on a weekend night, rather than joining him out in his usual bar visits. That night, I had a realization that this man was too wild, got to mean when he drank and just wasn't what I wanted in my life. I would end the relationship the next day when I saw him. I felt good about my decision and knew it was the best for me. I went to bed that night, fully intending to do such, that was until he came around, pounding on my window, bar time, If I recall correctly. He was drunk, very drunk. And he demanded to be let in, he was yelling things out to me in the sense that he was thinking I had some other young guy in there with me, he thought I stayed home for the purpose of a date with someone else. To avoid him breaking in my door, or window, I let him in. I should mention that he was a charmer, and for some reason, maybe so that he didn't drive home drunk, I let him stay. Why I agreed to sleep with him that night escapes my memory, but I did, and he had a slip up, and at that moment, when he told me, I remember so clearly saying, "well, I will be pregnant now then" I knew I was at that second. I was 19 years old, living in a small efficiency, making about 7.50 an hour, unmarried, and now pregnant. I drove to work that next morning, knowing my fate. I was pregnant, and by a man I was planning on dumping that day. Why?Well, FATE.You see, after that day, I knew that I would do my best to make it work with the father of my unborn child. I was and still am pretty old fashion in my values and ways. So for nearly 17 years I tried my damnest to make it all work. I gave that man everything that I could to try to make him happy, that was, everything but a 38x26x36 figure. I gave up my dreams of being happily married with a big family. I let him come and go to what ever adventure he might desire. I cooked for him, I made him laugh, I let him spend his and what ever money I made, I was trained so well!Then finally in the end of 1998, I made the bold move of moving on. I made a list of all the qualities I wanted in a man. These weren't the qualities that my dad had taught me to look for, these were my own desires and wishes. I wanted to find a good, honest, God fearing man. A man that was a partner, companion, a trusted good soul. He would be a light to none drinker, non smoker and combine his income with mine and we would make financialdecissionstogether. And so just weeks after I left, I set out to find "him". I dated with a check list in mind, and if I couldn't check all of my wants off, I politely ended the dating after one date. Then I met him, he was nothing like anyone that I had dated before. I could not find anything in my list that I could not check off. He turned out to be my own soul mate. I relize now that had I met him when I was younger, I wouldnt have felt that I deserved to be treated as well as he treats me. I wouldnt have felt that I deserved this good man. He wasn't wild, or untamed, I didnt need to alter and change him. He wasn't a project that I needed conqure. I know that I needed to meet him at that point in my life when I had matured and learned from my past. I had needed to out grow the grip that my dad's teaching had on me. I need to met him at that point in my life when I was ready to meet him. And so now, I have a beautiful gown daughter, whom married a very good man. She then gave birth to our first grandson in 2007 and they just added twin babies, a boy and a girl to our family this December. So now fate has played out its role.. I have this big family to love and I make sure I am an active part in their lives. And the best part is when our oldest grandson sees my husband, and glows with excitement and yells out "DANDTA" with his arms fully extended ready to be lifted by this wonderful man that I love so much. So, I now relize, that I needed to go throught the things that I did in the first half of my life, so that the second half would be this perfect!It was all my fate and it all happened for a reason.