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Thursday, March 31, 2011

It's time for a grateful post.... I feel like all I've done in the last few posts is whine and be sad.... when really I have so much to be grateful for! :) and really it hasn't been all bad.... ;) so here is my list of things I have been grateful for in the last few days... :)

Spring and all of the pretty flowers it brings with it... :) the flower above sprouted out in my backyard and I thought it was beautiful, naturally it needed a photo shoot! ;)

early morning txt messages when I can't sleep! ;) or maybe it's early morning words with friends?

pedi's

dinner with friends

snuggin' with the kids... I LOVE, LOVE this, and I am definitly grateful that my friends let me spend quality time with their kids...

a sunny afternoon at the park

yogurt

friendly conversation

lunch with friends

a REALLY good paying job

baby showers

serious yet friendly and understanding breakroom conversation! :)

FRIENDS

FAMILY

doggy nephews, and nap time...

soap net..... haha! always makes me feel better when i'm sick!

Honesty

technology

red lightning.... :)Photography, I LOVE taking pictures.... and I LOVE that they help me relieve happy memories.. and I love that it allows us to photograph a little piece of nature as well! :) This little guy lives on a tree right outside my backyard.... isn't he so handsome?? ;)

So there they are.... Just a few little things that I am grateful and thankful for.... :)

Sunday, March 27, 2011

My grandma came to visit us, 5 months ago. 5 months ago, I knew today was coming. For 5 months I tried REALLY hard not to think about today, YET I tried my BEST to make the days count... BUT I denied the fact that today was coming for 5 months, and still today came and went, and YES it was as hard as I thought it would be...

I just got home from the airport, and I'm pretty sure that I just said goodbye to my grandma for the last time... Now I know she's still with us, she's still alive and just on a plane going home, BUT I'm pretty sure we all just said goodbye, I'm not sure if I'll see her again and that makes me extremelly sad... It made me extremely sad ALL week. This week was one of those that you wish would last FOREVER, yet you wish it would just come and go already, so you can go "through it" and go on! So how do you say goodbye?

It's hard, and all week all I could do was wonder, "did I do enough?" she's leaving, she's older and she may never come back... sad I know.... "did I spend enough time with her?" "could I have spend more time with her?" and then there are the "God, I hope I did enough and told her enough that I loved her.." My grandma is so proud of my siblings and I, all she's done for the last week is tell us how proud she is of us, and thanked us for everything we've done for her, for "taking care" of her. Man I sure hope she knows that we all feel absolutely the same.... and that we love her too....

Today we sent her off with 100 pounds of "stuff", anything and everything she may have needed, and random stuff that she wanted to take, stuff that reminded her of us... things that you and I may of thought were trash, she took.... ;) She left us to go home today with 2 suitcases full necessities, things for my cousins, a box full of cards, letters, and scraps of paper that we may of written to her, and a book of pictures that told the story of "us and her" while she was here, a book of pictures/memories, maybe the last memories that she will have with us? I don't know this time felt different? I think she felt it too, we all felt it. Now this picture book isn't new, for 20 years she's been coming to visit, and she takes her memorie book home, My mom has always been really good about sending her home with "pictures". My grandma told me the other day that these "memory" books are what get her thru her sad times.... ugh, today my sister and I were running around taking the last of the pictures and developing the pictures so we could put them in the book... We wanted her to remember everything, and I think it was a way for us to remember too!

We spent the last 5 months celebrating with my grandma, she was here for the holidays, we made tamales, and celebrated her birthday like it may be the last... she had a party with lots of friends, a cake of her choice and cupcakes that she wanted.... and her choice of food. She had lots and lots of fun, my parents took her to santa barbara for the weekend, and they went to san diego a few times... We really did try our hardest to make the last 5 months memorable for her, and even though I can honestly say that I have no regrets, it's still hard, I'm sad that today came, and I still wonder if there was more I could of done... I hate goodbyes....

Today was hard, I worked and came home to hang out with my grandma for a few last precious hours, this time felt different, I think we all knew it, and we all felt it... My brother came over, Michael and Gaby, were here too, my cousin called to tell her goodbye, we had a family style dinner at home and then I joined my parents on the trek to the airport.... My grandma called her friends on the way, thanked them for everything and said goodbye.... My mom drove to the airport and probably cried the whole way there, my dad didn't say a word, and I played words with friends the whole way there.... (thanks to those of you who played) ;) I think we all knew this time was different

the airport was a different story, we checked her in, and people watched for a long time, and chit chatted, and made plans for her to come visit again, but I think we all knew this may be it.... my brother called once then he called again, he just wanted to say goodbye he said... my sister called too, I think we were all feeling it, this time was different.... then it was time for her to go... and off she went.... we waited until the very last possible moment, and then we sent her off... we said a quick goodbye, and told her we loved her, and that we would talk to her tomorrow... and then she was gone.... My mom just stared for a long time.... and then she broke down... and then I lost it... and we just stood there... staring, crying.... wanting so badly to go after her, to go and give her one last hug, to tell her everything was going to be ok, to tell her we LOVED her.... all this while hugging my mom as she cried, while watching her mom, my grandma, go off into the distance.... to possibly never return again.... then my mom told me, that she felt like she was never going to see her again, that she thought this was it... I asked her if she really thought that and she said... yes, I feel like this is it.... then my heart broke, for me, and my siblings, for my dad, BUT MOSTLY for my mom, that was her mom, how sad that she was saying goodbye, this may be the last time she ever saw her mom.... and that made me even sadder... BUT we did our best, we tried our hardest to really make the last 5 months worthwhile... and who know's maybe it wont be the last time... Even though it sorta felt like it was.... we waited until midnight, then came home.... we all rode home in silence, consumed with our own memories, I'm sure we all cried too.... I looked on my phone for quotes, and ran across this one.... I liked it, and I think it reassured me a little...

Goodbye's are not forever,

Goodbye's are not the end,

They simply mean I'll miss you

Until we meet again ~ author Unknown

This has definitly been a VERY trying week for me.... BUT it's come to an end, tomorrow is a new day, and although my grandma will not be at my house, I know she will be at her home, and I know that I can call and talk to her, and I know she can call me, but it wont be the same as having her here, or seeing her in person, or seeing her in the kitchen in the morning....

Now it's time for me to go to bed, and tomorrow will be a new day, one which I will welcome as a new gift.... and with a phone call telling me that my grandma has arrived safely at "home" :) And tomorrow I promise to start a new week, one full of positive feelings..... :)

Monday, March 21, 2011

....and I can honestly say that I have ﻿NEVER felt as lonely as I did today! :(

It's weird I've been on the verge of tears all day today... ok, maybe not that weird... 4 years ago today my friend Larry went to Heaven.... Last year on this day I thought "next year will be easier", but I think today was harder, I'm pretty sure today was the hardest and loneliest "March 21st" I've had in 4 years... Maybe it's because I spent the day by myself.... Maybe it was because Ruben wasn't at work today, I could've used his humor today... He was there when I got the call 4 years ago... and he's been at work with me every "today" since.... Maybe it's because 10 years of memories played like a video in my head all day today, with nothing, not one smartass comment to stop them.... Or maybe it's because every year "today," reminds me that we don't know how long we have here... I think "today" awakens one of my biggest fears, that of losing a loved one suddenly, with no warning, with no chance to say goodbye. We can NEVER prepare for the heartbreak of losing a loved one so suddenly, or maybe it's because this is the first time in 4 years that I didn't get to give the Jensen kid's a hug? Or maybe it was because today I realized that if Larry was still here things would be different? I hate change, I think everyone knows that... Today more than any other day I miss my friendship with the Jensen's, Today I realized that sometimes change hurts... and there's nothing we can do about that.... today more than ever I hurt.... I hurt for my lost friend and for my lost friendship, and for the kids, and for his mom, and for his wife, and for the rest of my friends who like me are hurting and remembering Larry today!

Usually I enjoy my own company... NOT today, today I longed for more, I needed more... i wished for a hug ALL day.... I wished I could pick up the phone and make a phone call.... BUT there are no phone's in Heaven... and I'm not sure I'm ready to make the other call.... I know I didn't do anything wrong, but I'm still not ready... I think that's the other part that really hurts... and that's the part that made me feel really lonely today, I think.... YEP all day I wished for a hug, I thought about dropping by numerous places to get a hug today... ;) I mean hugs from kids ALWAYS make me feel better, I know Michael would of taken one for the team too.... :) I contemplated a hug from a friend, my mom, my sister, my dad? all sounded good... BUT REALLY who wants a "could start crying at any time" Maria at their doorstep?? ;) and those really weren't the "type" of hugs I "needed," not really the kind I was looking for.... I was looking for something more like a Larry hug.... for a "someone who was there, and felt the same loss" I did hug, for a hug from a someone who knew how I felt, I would of settled for a "guy I cared about" hug.... well that wasn't an option either... yep.... For some reason I actually thought about that today too... :/ grr.... why I have no idea? Maybe it's the things people say? the comments people make, or maybe it was just "today"?? Yep... Today was a lonely day... Now I know I'm not alone, I know there are lots of people I could of "visited" today or just plain called, but I couldn't.... I'm not sure I could of explained myself today... sometimes I need to sort things out on my own... I think today was one of those days...

I have seriously and honest to GOD NEVER felt like this before.... and I didn't like it... I thought about going shopping, but that doesn't make me feel better... haha! ;) I thought about going to the beach, but alas, it was raining... figures....

So I came home.... hung out with my parents, talked to Gaby for a while, dodged ALL "how was your day questions," made some birthday cards, uploaded and shared pictures, designed some invitations... worked on some party favors... not sure for what yet, but I needed to keep busy... ;) I thanked God for all of my blessings.... went thru my scrapbooks, remembered all the good times, had some good laughs, and even cried a little, (sounds like a song) ;) then I thanked God for the people in my life, for all of the memories that I have been "gifted", and for the time he has allowed me to be here.... and then I decided to blog... might as well right?? I think it made me feel a little better..... Now I think it's time for bed... it's time to put this "lonely" day behind me... It was the first ever, and I sure hope it's the last! Tomorrow is a new day... :)
March 21st wont come around again for a year... all I can do is hope and pray that next year will be easier... With that I will make a promise to myself to continue to make the most of the time I have..say the things I need to say...love like it matters, and with all my heart... and give fully of myself to others.. and this way I can live without regrets... I learned 4 years ago that I am not guaranteed a "tomorrow"... Larry I miss you more than you know.... today I thanked God for every day, and for every memory that he allowed all of us to have with you.... :) Please, please watch over us!! :)

When all else fails.... CRAFT!!! Michael's Aunt Michelle designed these beautiful cards for us, and today I needed something to keep "busy" so I went ahead and put them together... aren't they so cute?? I LOVED how they turned out... and I'm pretty sure the cupcake theme is my favorite! ;)

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I think I've finally made some progress on my blog today! and that sure does make me happy!! haha! ;) Today was a great day... there was a lot of baking, dinner making, friend visiting, and even some blog updating! ;) I feel like I've really slacked off on my feeling grateful posts... so why not give it a whirl right now? It's never too late to stop, and remember all of the things that we/I am grateful for... :)

This week I'm grateful for GREAT friends... I know I always say this, BUT I have truly been blessed with great people in my life! and for that I will ALWAYS be thankful! there's nothing better than being able to just "drop by" at someone's house and know that you're always welcome! :)

I am also grateful for the kids... I got to enjoy a fun afternoon with some of my favorite little people this week, YES! I came home with graham cracker crumbs mashed up in my clothes and hair, sand on feet and a sticky mess of a phone.... BUT it just means that we had a great time! :)

...I feel like today I need to thank my cake class teacher, for teaching me amazing things, and for helping to "spark" up the LOVE I have for baking... Thank you Shannon! :)

....and photography and the learning the "how to's" of it! I've always enjoyed it, and now there are days that I can't wait to go out there and "shoot" ;) and what better way to go back and "relieve" great memories....

Disneyland, and all the fun stuff it has to order... including yummy chinese chicken salad bowls, my new favorite, and countless fun times! :)

....And Starbucks and the tastylicious variety of drinks they have to offer!

and SoapNet, I REALLY need to thank them... haha! they kept me entertained with endless episodes of 90210, gilmore girls, and one tree while I was sick, and in bed for 2 days! :)

and lastly I am thankful for my momma... She's really good about letting me make a mess of her kitchen while I'm "adventuring"... ;) thanks mom! :)

oh wait... I can't forget my grandma, who folds all my laundry and has it waiting for me when I get home.... :) man am I going to miss her when she goes home! ;)

and Janet's enchilada's... I think they get tastier everytime I make them... :)

oh and how about strawberry cake and orange flavored mini muffins from scratch? I am thankful for GREAT recipie's and the fact that they turned out! ;)

and heart to heart talks.... those are always fun and enjoyable, and a good sign that everything's "ok"

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Thursdays, have I mentioned how much I LOVE thursdays?? ;) on this day the girls and I decided that a trip to Disneyland would be fun! so off we were to enjoy the day.... We met up with Sara, and the kids and had a great time! Nothing beats perfect weather to make the day enjoyable! ;)

Brody and Jakey Boy got their picture taken with Lightning McQueen....

,,,well we tried! ;)

.... in the meantime Luke was getting attacked by the "out of control" cotton candy! lol! he didn't seem to mind though! ;)

...and we were off to the crazy ladybug ride....

can you tell how much they like it?? haha!

Jaime and the boys!

haha! hold on tight Luke!

The girls went up to see Sailor Mickey.....

haha! silly faces...

Jessica scored these ballons for the kids.... WHOOHOO!

....and they were done! ;)

Ella was still going though!! ;)

We did the submarine ride, and enjoyed some "interesting" family "communication while in line.... ;)

Jakey wasn't so sure... ;)

.....AND I tried the chinese chicken salad for the first time... I'm pretty sure it's my new favorite! ;)

Here's to another fun day at D-land.... I think we're almost due for another! ;0

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Jessica had a birthday so we decided that a girl's night celebration was in order... some of the girls couldn't make it, but they sure were missed! Our group at the Melting Pot, or the Melting "Wallet" as we started refering to it at the end of the night! ;)

mmmmm.... a ying yang something or other drink.... it sure was yummy! The girls and I thoroughly enjoyed ours! ;)

Our spread... that artichoke spinach cheese is TO DIE for! look at the concentration on Sarah's face! haha!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Today we met for tea, at Paris in a cup, a cute little tea place at the Orange circle... I had never been to the infamous "circle", and let me tell you I feel like I've been missing out, I'm pretty sure i could of spent the whole afternoon there, just looking thru all of the cute antique shops there... Now I understand why Matt enjoys it there so much! ;)
Our tea experience started with these yummy scones! :) this place served boysonberry jam.... YUMM!

Then we moved on to little sandwiches and an AMAZING potato soup.... those were tuna, cucumber, and chicken salad "mini" sandwiches... DUH! ;) and that soup is not the one I ordered, BUT I couldn't of been more excited when it arrived, appearantly the one I had picked was not as tasty! ;)

....somewhat of a stressful one, I'm not gonna lie.... But I think it was a week in which I learned an unbelievable valuable lesson.... I learned that I am in complete control of my "destiny," YES! God has a plan for me, but I get to make some of the choices... (I already knew that, but I think this week gave me the "swift kick in the a**, that I needed, to "remember" this"!) ;) so in light of lay-offs, and multiple bumping going on at work, I "shopped" around for schools, it's something I've been talking about for a while now..... and this looks and feels like the perfect time to start.... ;) and started discussions for "the treat table", both new adventures that I am ready to take on FULL SPEED! Now I just need to decide what school, and what program, and how long, and how much! I'm no longer scared.... Albertson's put me thru school the first time, looks like they're going to do it again! ;) As for the other adventure, I couldn't be more excited.... I've done lots of research on the "what's" and I have millions of ideas.... AND that's all I will say for now! ;)

That wasn't the only stressor of the week though.... On tuesday morning, my grandma fell and couldn't get up, for hours.... funny that I used to think this was hillarious when I was younger... haha! It's not so funny anymore! ;) I have no idea what she hit her head on, but she really did hurt herself, scratched up her whole face, and bruised up the rest of her body.... argh... getting old sucks... we stayed with her on tuesday just in case it happened again... she seems fine now, except of course for the awesome black eye she's sporting these days... :/

I got to hang out with the fanzo kids on tuesday.... I can't even begin to say how much fun we had.... They amaze me every time... haha!! Ella and I baked a cake, and I swear if Luke was just a tad bit taller he would of gotten to the frosting I put on top of the fridge.... ;) and I can't forget a last minute lunch with Rosie, Red Lightning needed an oil change so she came to keep me company and eat... :) And I got to watch the first little league of the season... The boys did good, I'm sure it would of been a better game if the kids they played against hadn't been from the high school! ;)

Oh and I got a special visit from Mr. cough and cold again.... which meant I got to sleep all of friday after work, and all of saturday, minus the few hours I went to work... argh... if only I could convince someone/anyone, that this has got to be an allergy? and then we're on to sunday, I rolled myself out of bed and got ready just in time to meet Isaac, Tracey, Sheila and Steve for a sunday morning tea..... Oh how we enjoy our fun tea "dates".... :)

So there you have it, my week in a nutshell.... I call it my "everything happens for a reason week!" ;)

This is ME..... I Love family, friends and food, the three "F's" are mostly what I blog about!

About Me

What you see is what you get!!!! I am easily influenced by kindness. In my opinion there is ABSOLUTELY no reason to be disrespectful to anyone..... We're all equals in my eyes. You could also say that I'm an open book…. But some pages are easier to read than others!!! Sometimes I put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down. It doesn't take much to please me! I hate confrontation and I will do ALMOST anything to avoid it!!! :) Good conversation is ALWAYS a must. I believe that Pizza and a McDonald's sunday will cure any bad day!!! :) I LOVE to be spontaneous, I absolutely love last minute trips to just about anywhere, so unless I have to work I'm your girl!! Baseball games are my absolute favorite!! The beach is one of my favorite places, It serves many different purposes in my life!! ;) I enjoy pictures and the outdoors.... :) It seems like these days I live vicariously through my friends..... I LOVE kids and I am grateful that my friends allow me to entertain theirs until I have kiddos of my own!!! :) I'm still trying to figure out what life has in store for me, but at this point in time I'm not stressing it, at least not yet!!