Monday, September 17, 2012

Never Gonna Get It: Expensive Beauty Mofos That I Covet, But Will Never Own

I want A LOT of crap. Like, I fu'real have a bookmark folder on my computer entitled "Stuff I Want" that contains links to a ton of ish that I will never, ever own -- dammit. (Umm hmmm, that's right.) But I'm not anything, if not a real ass b. I know my limitations. I am not going to buy a damn thing on this list, because all this mess is too expensive.

P.S. If you own any of these items, I will flood your Twitter account with a million Emoji sad face icons.

#1 -- Botox Uggggh. I love Botox so much. Nothing makes a girl happier than a taut ass forehead, although the paralytics in the Botox I want so badly wouldn't allow you to detect my surprise and delight. I would most likely look like an insane cat-faced lady if it weren't for my tiny, tiny bank account. Be thankful, anyone with the gift of sight. Be thankful.

#2 -- Mason Pearson Brush ($170, Norstrom) Only HBICs can use this b. This puppy is supposed to stimulate your scalp and distribute your natural oils. (That sounds mighty, mighty [Bosstones] gross.) I have obvs never used this magical brush, but it must be badass if it costs almost $200, right? It must be made from baby Leprechaun teeth or something.

#3 -- Tracie Martyn Shakti Resculpting Body Cream ($155, Tracie Martyn) I would pay one million doll hairs if it would eradicate my cellulite-y legs. Word on the beauty street is that this lotion is the boss sauce when it comes to getting rid of cellulite. Can I get a sponsor, like Little League baseball teams do, to chip in and buy this mess for me? Yeah, didn't think so. Keep supporting children's activities, people. Selfish.

#4 -- Oribe Aprés Beach Wave and Shine Spray ($35, Oribe) Okay, so $35 isn't INSANE for hair product, but for a styling product it's just not essential. It's not going to iron your clothes, or anything. (Do people still do that? That's what dryers are for.) I have been dying to try this products for a hot ass minute now, because there are a lot of great "beachy waves" products out there, but when you add shine?!? That ish sounds like a game changer, Zelda style.

#5 -- Amika 4 Piece Interchangeable Barrel Curler Set ($175, Sephora) I have talked about this beast before, but I just can't get the damn thing off my mind grapes. YOU GUYS. YOU CAN CHANGE THE BARREL SIZE. This ish sounds incredible -- I can't even handle it. Plus, it has a five star rating on Sephora. That mess doesn't just happen every day of the week. You know it's the good good.

Do you guys have any beauty items that you are coveting? Do you want to form a En Vogue cover band with me? You must have your own set of long satin gloves -- only requirement.