The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

The J-Train is coming through and he’s got the dating advice you need!

From the long line of WWN advice columns (i.e. Dear Dotti, Ask a Chimp, etc) comes a new breed of intrepid advice giver. It’s Jared Freid aka J-Train….

J-Train: Blake Lively Photos Are Fake

When nude photos of what is allegedly Blake Lively surfaced on the web yesterday, the Internet almost broke and my local convenient store ran out of both moisturizer and tissue paper. It was almost too much; she’s a perfect ten, a leggy, full-breasted woman with a breathy whisper and a kitten smile that seems to say, ‘send me more of those hair dolls you’re so good at.’ If I was ever faced with being alone in a room with her naked, I honestly wouldn’t even know what to do (probably cry, and definitely leave my shirt on), so getting the voyeur shots in my inbox was, you know, very exciting. The problem was that the more I looked at them (and looked at them…and looked at them…) the more I felt let down. Don’t get me wrong, the woman in those photos is very beautiful, and it very well could be Ms. Lively, but like a child with a toy rocket, I could only be disappointed. Over the short time I’ve known Blake Lively (I first saw her in the movie ‘Accepted’ with Justin Long, a terrible movie that I’ve seen four or five times), the idea of her nude has reached mythical proportions, the mystery of it all lending an air of impossible perfection – and while great men look at the stars and dream of God, I watch Gossip Girl and try to imagine the shape of her Areolae. So when I found out the pictures might not be real, I was secretly relieved my angel hadn’t yet fallen. And as I thought more about it, I realized that there’s no way that these photos are of Blake Lively, and here’s 4 reasons why:

Talent– Blake has talent. Sequels for movies about a pair of jeans don’t just happen because a chick is hot. They happen because she was able to make every girl in America believe that she actually lost her virginity in that first movie. Naked photos get leaked when a movie or show is about to premiere with a lesser talented starlet in the lead (see: Vanessa Hudgens, Paris Hilton, and Ray J). Now you’re saying – “The Green Lantern movie is coming out this summer!” Sure, but this movie is a mega-blockbuster made by rich and powerful executives. If these big-shot executives wanted a nude photo of Blake Lively leaked, there would be no questions; we would be looking at baby-making parts that should only be found in medical journals.

Career Arc- Hollywood careers are predictable and this doesn’t follow the script. Someday, when Blake Lively’s career is struggling, and Hollywood has cruelly taken away her ‘it-girl’ status, she will likely pop up naked somewhere: an ‘artistic’ photo shoot in Vogue; or a Prestige picture where the nudity ‘serves the story’ and is about ‘integrity’ (and tits). Blake Lively is not Lindsay Lohan, who’s desperation seems to demand she show up naked every week these days – not that I’m complaining, but nude photos and collagen are the last ditch effort of a woman who’s back is against the wall; and Lindsay’s back is against the wall – a Miami club bathroom wall, more specifically, with her legs up in the air.

Leonardo DiCaprio- Rumored boyfriend Leo DiCaprio wouldn’t allow a bunch of ‘mutant norms’ to lay eyes on what is rightfully his. Hopefully, his smoldering intensity causes his house to explode and the naked pictures of all the chicks he’s bedded ends up flying all over Los Angeles (this would be the day the Internet would ACTUALLY stop working).

End Of Days- Finally, because seeing Blake Lively nude would signal the apocalypse – it would be exactly like the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark, where all the Nazi’s faces melted off – only I’d be masturbating while the skin dripped off my skull (I want that entire sentence written on my tombstone – just kidding, Mom…I’m not kidding, everyone else). But seriously, the world would end.

Blake, if you’re reading, I’m on your side and I believe the pictures are fake. Please, let’s just hold off on the naked pictures for now, because I’m not ready to die and the mortician isn’t ready to wipe the smile off of my face.