Monday, June 21, 2010

Five years ago this summer, I was in Lake Placid. I was walking down the quiet streets near the Mirror Lake Inn after dinner. From a nearby house I heard Israel Kamakawiwo'ole, (who I totally just had to google, may he rest in peace but what is up with that name?) singing "Somewhere over the rainbow".

The song arrangement is mellow and serene, but it made me overwhelmingly sad. I wanted to cry, standing right there in the street. There were negative things going on in my head, and it amplified them.

Fastforward five years...

I came late to the "Glee" bandwagon. I was dimly aware of it while I was sick. I watched part of the next to last episode while the males around here rolled their eyes and did everything they could to get me to change the channel.

I watched the season finale, which ended with the teacher singing the same song to his students. This time, the song felt very comfortable and I couldn't immediately explain why, but it felt like a bookend for me.

In the past I have definitely gone through stretches where I complain, complain, complain. I don't want to be that person anymore.

When I first got sick my friend gave me her copy of The Secret. I read a few pages and got what I needed from it: put positive out into the world.

Since being diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer I have tried to put my feet on the floor every morning and hope for the best. I have focused on getting things done one step at a time. Surgery. Done. Part one of three treatments. On to chemo. Done. Now radiation.

When I had to go back into the hospital (an incision opened and I needed IV antibiotics) I focused on feeling the love people were sending to my phone. A couple of my favorite people snuck in to see me and I delighted in having them just sit on the side of my bed and hold my hand.

My facebook friends have been there 24/7 for me. Every day I wake up, put SOME sort of cheesy little cornball Pollyanna sunshine status out there, and get at least ten replies, scattered across the day, and it helps me to feel positive.

I have been feeling physically very good the last few days compared to mid-chemo. So mentally, I'm doing cartwheels.

Today at my radiation appointment I parked and recognized the people parking next to me. The husband is the one in treatment. His wife struck up a conversation in the waiting area by asking me how I was managing to drive myself to my appointments every day. Because I am bald, they assumed I was getting my chemo NOW because that's what some people do - concurrent treatments - based on their particular illness / stage etc.

It felt good to be able to encourage someone, to say, "you will feel better before the next round. I felt as bad as you do now, and I never could have driven myself here just a couple of days after chemo, so don't be too discouraged about how you feel today."

We talked about food and when I said "try eating salmon" and he perked up and said "that DOES sound kinda good" I felt like I had just hit one out of the park.

When I am farther down this road, I am considering whether I would like to either retrain for a career that combines technology and treatment, or at least just volunteer in some way to help people through this process.

2 comments:

That song is the background music for the photo montage of the girls that I send out at walk time every year, and each time I hear the opening chords, I think of my sweet little Amelia so frail and tiny and helpless, and I tear up. (I think of Anya too, but she was so much more robust at 3 lbs. ;) )

And ever since Amelia was born, I have wanted to go back to school and become a nurse. More specifically a NICU nurse. But the 10 grand I spent on my master pre-children is causing my better judgement to steer me away from that path. But the volunteering helps. It reminds me of how far we have come in six years, and it gives me immeasurable gratitude.Doesn't it feel great to know you made a difference for someone, in some way, bug or small? And make something positive out of the hardest thing you've ever been through?Keep going C....you're great!