Ask a Guy: How to Get Him to Text You Back

The guy I’ve been dating for the last two months used to text me back right away whenever I texted him. He would send me sweet messages, he’d never leave me hanging, and he seemed really into me.

However, for the last two weeks I feel like something changed. Now there have been times where he won’t text me for a day or two and when we do text, I feel like it’s always me initiating the conversations. It went from him showering me with attention and affection to him not responding to texts for hours.

I don’t know what changed but I have this horrible feeling I screwed something up or maybe I’m bugging him. I’ve eased up on the texts (just in case I was overwhelming him), but for the times I really want to hear from him can you tell me how to get him to text me back?

Let me start off by saying that if you’ve ever read anything by me, you know that honesty is my brand and I don’t sugarcoat my messages. I’m prefacing my immediate answer with that disclosure because I don’t want you to mistake my bluntness for rudeness. Everything I’m saying is with the intent to help you… that’s why I’m here.

In terms of you wanting him to text you back, my most blunt question is: What’s there to gain and what’s there to lose?

Let me explain…

First: What’s there to lose?

I’ll share some of my personal experience…

I work all the time. From the moment I’m up to maybe an hour or two before I go to bed, chances are I’m working… it’s what I do. It’s who I am.

So throughout the day, I get texts from all different people. My employees. My friends. The woman/women in my life. Some of those texts get responses immediately. Some don’t.

Here’s a list of the texts that I avoid responding to:

Texts that are going to lead to a distracting conversation away from what I’m concentrating on

Texts where someone wants me to drop everything to do something for them while I’m in the middle of something else

Texts where they want me to be the audience to whatever drama or issue they’re experiencing at the moment

It’s not that I don’t like the people texting me… and it’s definitely not because I’m greedy or self-centered (I’m generous and I like giving to others… I put others first to a fault, to be perfectly honest.)

The fact is, I can only give so much and when I get a text that adds yet another thing to my plate of things to deal with, I’m likely to ignore it, or at least put off responding.

Before you know it, minutes turn to hours and daylight turns to past-midnight… all of a sudden, it’s too late to respond.

Texts that take energy away from me (or any guy) are more subtle than you think. I’m a considerate guy, but when I’m dealing with thirteen crises during my work day and a girl is texting me about how I should be texting her more and giving her more attention… that’s a drain I could do without.

I’ve talked about neediness so many times before that I don’t feel like explaining it in great depth, but I’ll reiterate to say:

Neediness is a state of mind, not any specific action or actions.

It’s the feeling that if you don’t get some kind of emotional reassurance or validation from another person, then you won’t be “OK”.

Neediness is crippling to the quality of any relationship (whether it’s a guy or woman acting needy) and it’s something you need to prevent from creeping into your mind at all costs. Needy texts are guaranteed to be ignored by a guy. Personally, I don’t ignore needy texts out of cruelty – I ignore them because it’s an insatiable relationship monster that I don’t ever want to feed (metaphorically speaking).

From another angle, you could say what does make him want to text you back? Eagerly even…

Well I’ll share the texts I most readily respond to immediately:

Anything urgent or a crisis.

Something light and funny, with no expectation for conversation or even a response necessarily.

A work colleague who wants to do business with me.

Anything from my family. No matter what.

Anything hot and sexy (like I said, blunt honesty is my brand)

Let’s talk about that last one. If a girl wants to flirt with me over text and send me sexy pictures, I’m all over that. I’ve never portrayed myself as a saint and when it comes to sexting… well… that’s something I don’t mind dropping everything for.

Now before you march to my South Beach condo with a burning pitchfork, let me explain.

I work constantly and I work hard. I can’t express in words what a breath of fresh air it is when a sexy woman appears on my phone and her fundamental message is: I want you to feel good. I want you to be turned on. I want you to want me.

And if you think I’m being a pig with what I just said, I challenge you to find a man who disagrees – even the most feminized, wouldn’t-hurt-a-fly, harmless man would agree that if there’s a sexy girl sending him some alluring messages, you can be sure he’ll be all over that. Guaranteed.

However, my overall message here isn’t so superficial to suggest that sexting is the answer to all text message dilemmas. What I’m really driving at is if you want him to respond quickly to your texts and love texting you, then make the experience of texting you awesome.

Don’t make it a chore for him. Don’t make it a performance he has to do for you. Don’t make it something you chastise him about.

Be a woman that he loves to text because his life is more fun and more full with you perking him up. Orient your mind towards giving him what he likes, not on what you want to get from him.

Men love when someone makes their day lighter and simpler, not heavier and more complex. At the heart of it, that’s the secret.

Hi Eric.This guy started to text me and used to initiate the conversation every day. We used to have great conversation and we texted all the time. We used to call each other for hours while we were studying. He knows he makes me happy and he told me that I made him a better person. But recently, he told me that I am too good for him and I could find a better guy than him. He doesn’t initiate conversation with me anymore and even started to ignore my messages. What should I do to make him feel confident? and reply me..? What should i do to save the relationship?

Honestly I don’t think he doesn’t feel “confident”. Guys are chasers they love to chase women regardless if they think she’s too good for him. Speaking from personal experience he could just be talking to other girls on the side and feels guilty because he knows you’re genuine with your feelings,therefore claiming you’re too good for him. If a guy truly likes a girl and she’s mutually as interested, he wouldn’t just cut her off so quickly (except if he I having some serious deep issues)

I met this guy nearly a year ago,we’ve had sex like two times,but I guess I’m loosing him over another gurl,and its like he’s not respecting me anymore.To crown I had feelings for him alot.How do I gain my respect back and I do I make him fall in love with me once again.And he also claimed he’s not a type that do texted alot.

Best to just let him go (especially if he has started talking to another girl), in his eyes he probably just saw this as a hookup, you can gain your respect back by loving yourself, building your self esteem and eventually the right guy will come to you. You should never feel the need to convince someone to fall in love with you. X.

I have been talking to this guy for a year now over messaging. We actually went to school together. Anyways, I sent him a nude pic and I seen were he seen it but he never replied. It’s been days now.
Another thing is he told me to text him anytime and that I should. He never responds back. I texted 3 times in 2 weeks. Joking or beighting his day. He only texts me 2am.

Hi. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for the last 2.5 year. We are in a long distance relationship for 10 months now. From the very beginning we fought over the smallest matters. Earlier,we used to discuss and work things out then fight again but for the last six or seven months,he puts no effort in this relationship. His feelings for me are fading away. The biggest disadvantage is that he is living there with five of his childhood friends so even when we break up,he doesn’t turn to me and spends his time with them. I always make the first move. Until now,we have broken up several times and got back. He doesn’t express him love for me,also doesn’t call me from his own. When I text him,he replies very late. Recently,he let his parents know about our relationship. But during our last fight,he told me he doesn’t want to marry me. Our break ups happen because he gives me very less time during the day and at night when he calls,he tells me he is sleepy. When I complain that he never gives me time,he gets angry about the fact that he is sleepy but I am not letting him sleep. Please help me out. Thanks.

This guy added me on Facebook about a year ago and then messaged me on my birthday to ask me out for coffee.. At the time I was dating someone else and had to decline based on that and told him I appreciated the invite. A few months ago that boyfriend and I parted ways and a couple weeks ago I messaged that guy on Facebook and we started chatting for hours at a time online and eventually via text and seemed to really hit it off.. This last week we hung out several times and had a lot of fun. It seems he is into me by the way he talks and acts around me and I’ve made it clear I’m into him. However, since we hung out he hasn’t been the one to text me first and has been really inconsistent at times with when he eventually got around to texting me back. Either he takes up to 24 hours to reply or sometimes doesn’t reply at all. When we hung out he stated he had a lot on his mind right now and has been a bit stressed out with work. He works out of town on a 7 on 7 off schedule and seems to obviously have a lot of catching up to do with family/friends/life in general when he is home, so again I can understand the busy aspect of things.. I’m not a needy person, but I do text him maybe once a day just to say hello and to say that I hope he’s having a good day or that he was on my mind.. I feel like I’m getting some mixed messages now about whether or not he wants to be talking or even moving forward with hanging out. I’ve noticed at times that he has been active on social media after not responding to my texts right away.. I am somewhat inclined to straight up ask him if he still shares my interest in hanging out more and if he sees me as a possible girlfriend, but again it comes down to appearing needy or coming across too strong too early in the game. Is it better to be forward and ask straight up? Or should I just ride it out, stop messaging him for a while and see what happens? Could this just be an indication of his texting habits and maybe I’m reading into it too much?

I’ve been going out with a guy for about three months now. He always tells me he really likes me, he’s very jealous and buys me flowers everytime he sees me. However, he has a tendency to “disappear”. By this I mean he will switch off his phone and go a whole day without talking to me and then say he was a bit busy. Recently he’s started to ignore my messages too .. What does this mean ?? What should I do ??

Here’s what I don’t get. Why are there so many posts about how women should change for men? It’s always something basically saying “Don’t have any emotions or act like a normal human being, just be like a sex robot and you’ll be fine!” We’ll guess what that may cater towards men’s needs but then the woman isn’t getting what she wants usually. There needs to be a balance. Men need to start catering towards women’s needs more, not the other way around.

It’s not about that a woman “should” change for men. Do whatever you want.

This is a site with a women’s audience, so the articles are written for women.

Whether you’re a man or a woman, one thing is clear: If you want to get different results than what you’re getting, then you have to change what you’re doing.

If you don’t want to get different results, then don’t change what you’re doing.

You can say other people “need” to do this or that, but that won’t make it so.

When I write something, I write it because I want to tell people (men or women) what will be effective. There is nothing more painful and frustrating than to want to get different results, but either not know how or not understand why what you’re doing isn’t effective.

I have no interest in having conversations about what other people “should” be doing for you. The world doesn’t owe you anything and if you want something, it’s on you to make the choices that will make it happen. Not just the actions you take and the decisions you make, but also who you choose to participate in relationships with and what you choose to say yes and no to.

So I don’t think you “should” do anything – do whatever you want. I only care about helping people be effective and get out of pain.

Hi,
This guy we broke up two months ago, but i still really want him.
It’s all my fault at first. We were so happy and everything went so well, until one day I overthinked and told him it’s better if we stop the relationship. Then, I regret. But it hurted him so much that he can’t do it anymore. He can’t do this.
He said he’s not ready and he need to find himself. But he’s not finding anyone, he just need to heal and find himself.
We were two heart breaking when he said he cannot do this anymore. We broke up and shared the last kiss.

But then, he still want to be friend because he still don’t want to lose me in his life. We are from the same college, so we always sit down and work together, but never hanging out together. We are close, we know each other very well, we know each other’s secret. But sometimes, we still fight even we already broke up.

Then one month after break up, we both miss each other so much, that he can’t stand but kiss me. i kiss him back. And we made out and sex. We just miss each other too much. The second day, he said he was so sorry that he acted like an asshole, and such, he wanted me to forget all this, he don’t want to give me a false hope and don’t want to hurt me. He said he just miss me, my touch and my kiss. I was crying like shit. But then, that day, we make a deal – when he’s finally ready to receive relationships, he will tell me and we can try again if we still like each other.
That day we ended with a happy mode. But he don’t know when will he be ready either.

then now, (two months after break up), recently i’ve been hitting on panic attacks and depression, I did not tell him this because I dont want him to feel bad for me or freak out by this part of me and don’t want me anymore. My friend is going to bring me to a psychologist to get this problem solved. Just because of me in this situation, I texted him alot and it hurts me so much that he did not reply me. I just simply don’t understand because he never been so. Or i just overthinked, maybe my text doesn’t seem like text to reply? But it hurts me, even if he did not reply, i still keep on texting him. I was crazy.

But I know recently he was busy and stressed with work.
And I confronted him with text like why you are not replying, I’m hurt etc.
This might makes him more stressful and exhausted, is this why he don’t want to text me anymore?
I texted him I am sorry that you need to deal with my stuff when you need to deal with your work.
He said it’s okay, mentioned that: I’m not your boyfriend anymore, I can’t be everywhere anymore.
What should I do? I scared he’s losing interest.
I’m really terrified that he’s pushing me away and don’t want me to be in his life anymore.

I’m so confused. I’ve been dating a guy once a week for about 3 weeks. He usually texts all throughout the day, happy things, stuff that upsets him about his job, asks me how my day is, etc. Initiation is probably about 60/40 me, or relatively equal. When we go out, it’s amazing. Like I’ve found some one who really really gets me. And he’s said the same. He says things like, “your gorgeous”, “you’re wonderful,” ” I want to see you many more times”, etc. I was vey happy with the way things were progressing. He’s a very introverted person, who suffers from depression and migraines, so I know he has “off” days. I try to give him space, and was really excited when he invited me over to his house to watch a movie. A lot of our texting had become pretty sexual at this point, so I was pretty sure that would happen. And it did. Once at night, and again in the AM. We chatted a bit and then I hit the road. When I said goodbye he flashed me a really weird look, but I tried to ignore my gut. After all, we’d had sex like 10 minutes earlier, and after we did, he took me out back to show me the boat he’s building, his pride and joy. Later that day (5 hrs later?) I texted him a funny reference to the movie we watched the previous night, and got no response. So around 930 that night, maybe 12 hours after I last say him, I texted to say “I’ve noticed you haven’t been responding like you usually do, is everything ok?” Thinking maybe he had a migraine, or was depressed and might want to talk about it (as he has done before). It’s now been 24 hours since I sent that text, and there’s been dead silence on his end. I don’t understand. I’m not going to text him, at least for a week, to make sure I’m not bothering him. But I’m a mess. I’m really worried that I did something wrong, or worse, that I was used for sex. Which really would be surprising, since he was really emotionally vulnerable with me prior to that night/ morning. Even after we first had sex. It’s as if something went wrong in the 15 mins between getting out of bed and into my car. Do I just give up and move on? It seems like either 1) he’s dead 2) his phone is broken, (clearly both are highly unlikely) or 3) he was really good at pretending to be vulnerable and open, with the end goal of having sex and kicking me to the curb. I totally feel used, and that is a terrible feeling. The fact he ignored me when I was checking in (in a lighthearted manner) to make sure he was ok is sooooo not “his normal”…but it’s currently his reality apparently.

Is he “ghosting” on me??

Is there some way to correct the situation? If this just the way he is, it’s pretty immature and not someone id want to be with anyway. But he wasn’t like this at all until I left his place Sat morning.

So, I’m Asian, just wanna point that out there xD Him and I used to be in the same school in Singapore, but now, because of something that happened with my parents, they had to move back to the Philippines along with me. We are both Filipinos btw. We were just friends, but kinda close friends. It’s been more than 6 months since I saw him. A few friends of mine messaged me and said he liked me to but I didn’t believe them. Then they messaged him to prove themselves right, but he denied every word of it. I thought I was over him so I messaged him to apologize if he misunderstood the situation or felt uncomfortable. But it’s been almost 2 months (I think) and he hasn’t replied back. He has read it though. Please, I need your help. I just realized, I still haven’t moved on.

OK so my thing is a long distance thing and we are not together although he did spit a petty good game. We know eachother through mutual friends and just started talking I wasn’t interested at first so when we went 2 weeks with out talking it didn’t bother me… But recently we expressed our feelings for eachother. He was going to come and visit me in the next couple weeks and on new years eve I was a little excessive in texting him with no response… We talked on new years day and everythinight seemed fine… We had some interaction on social media the following days but he hasn’t responded to any of my texts… He hasn’t called me like did I scare him off??? He works in the oil field so he works 144 hours in 12 days… He has been on nights this past work so he Is sleeping during the day and I know he is probably exhausted… Did I scare him off I like him a lot and he liked me a lot I thought… I mean he opened up to me and we had so really deep talks… He even talked about moving here… But then we haven’t talked in 7 days of the phone and we haven’t had any contact on social media in like 5 days… I commented on a photo and said he should make it his profile picture and he did… But I’m just so lost and confused why is he ignoring me??? What happened I’m a very passionate person did I scare him off I hope I didn’t lose him my brain is going 100 miles an hour… HELP ME PLEASE!!!

Eric,
I am kind of at a loss and a little surprised at some of the comments from people on here.
I related to so many things you said and understood completely, the mindset of “I am working and welcome a pleasant distraction” is reality of working hard and a lot.
I do have a question Eric, what about the woman that is to direct sexually.
I don’t mean in a trucker crude way (nothing against truckers or crude people), I mean in the way that I am 45 years old woman that knows very clearly what I like sexually and can express and ask for it.
It seems to intimidate or make men nervous. I am not talking about fetishes or unusual fantasies.
I see no difference in finding out someone personality, work ethic, family values, likes and dislike of the world. any different than finding out their sexual libido likes and dislikes to see if you’re compatible.
Suggestions on how I can do this without a guy getting nervous or uncomfortable to discuss it.
Thanks in advance for any words of advise.
Sabrina

I have a question. It’s similar but with a few different factors. I’ve been dating this guy for 7 months now, and we’re currently in a long distance relationship. We were dating and in the same place for 2 months, and now we’ve been long distance for almost 6 months. I’ve seen him once in this long distance time, and I’ll be seeing him again in two weeks. He’s from South Africa, but he currently works at a school in the Middle East, where I was working. A lot of my friends stayed there too, so I know many of his friends and coworkers. We really fell in love and he suggested we stay together and do the long distance thing. And he’s paying for me to come to his brothers wedding in two weeks in South Africa. He’s been planning for our future for next year, where we’re looking for schools to work at in a different country. When we’re together, everything’s great, and he’s kind and sensitive and attentive. But when we’re apart, I sometimes feel like he forgets about me. When we part initially, he’s very attentive with messages and texts and skypes and letters. He’ll say things like “you are my everything” and “I miss you” And will want to know when we’re skyping next. But after a while, especially with this longer separation (4 months), he just got really busy, and then I felt left behind. At least a text or two in the day but nothing major, no more fluffy stuff really– that only very occasionally. He likes me to send him sexts and pics and will ask for them, but sometimes he doesn’t even reply to those! We’ve had a few arguments about it because I don’t understand why he can’t find the time to send little messages anymore or even respond to the messages I send. He seems to be fine with this kind of a relationship, but since we never see each other, I want to talk more, but it makes me seem needy and makes him pull away if I bring it up. What do I do wrong? Why did he get all distant? is he trying to imply that he’s over it and doesn’t want me to come on this trip? But he sends me emails about jobs for next year, but he forgets to text “I love you.” I don’t understand! And how do I then adjust my texting style?

Somehow I find these exceedingly wrong..if you don’t want to deal with anything besides sex,don’t be in a relationship have a “no strings attached relationship”..If you want to be in a relationship with someone,communication is the key.If you want to focus on yourself,stay single & take all the time you want to work on yourself.I feel if you’re in a relationship with someone you have to give them time,through the good bad and ugly am I right?It can’t just be all fun and good times,where she keeps you happy with sexy and fun times.how about you treating her like your Queen rather than your servant?It is self centred that you want to be a king but refuse to treat her the same way you wish to be treated..Women aren’t needy,we don’t want you men to text us back every second of the day,atleast respond to what we say.If you’re going to be busy just send one simple text thats it,that’s all we ask,saying “will be busy for a while”don’t even have to include the three words if you dont wish to.But it is self centered to just disappear for days on end and give some pathetic excuse yet we forgive you because we actually take the time to understand you and love you..and if we were to do the same to you,maybe you men would not even mind it,but our hearts could not bare to do the same to you..
This is not right,and that’s just my opinion.

So I’ve been dating a guy for a few months, he always seems into me when we’re together but doesn’t communicate well. He rarely will text or call. He rarely will make plans but when I ask him to do something he is always willing and we have a great time. He always is very affectionate and have never pushed sex. He always compliments me and has told me several times he likes me. He is alway a gentleman when out, opening door, pulling out my chair etc. I feel confused about the whole situation, but I really really really like him.

I’ve been speaking to a guy for about a couple of weeks, started dating recently, everything was fine, conversations went well and he visited me a day before this happened and then all of a sudden, he went silent too, I texted and called him nothing literally, no reply for the past 10 days, his phone rings but always goes to voicemail, tried calling with other numbers same situation. I’m stuck in the same situation. I don’t know what to do anymore?

So there’s this guy that I have been texting and hanging out with for almost a year. He used to text me almost right away or at least in the same day if I text early enough. Lately I have to initiate the conversation and I tell him that I don’t like doing that but all he’s done is apoligize and says that he will try to text often but he’s busy with school and work, which I understand since I’m busy too. I’ll text him and if he doesn’t respond within 2 days I won’t text him at all and usually it’s like 2-3 weeks before he starts feeling bad about not texting. Usually at 1 1/2 weeks I’ll text just to make sure he’s okay and still alive and he’ll respond to that but won’t say anything else. I’m starting to get super fed up. I’m wondering how I just completely sever ties with him at this point.

The guy I was seeing a couple months ago went travelling. He stopped talking to me before he left without any warning. He started talking to me again a month ago, saying he’s been missing me, making plans for when he comes back but he’s suddenly stopped talking to me again. He’ll put stuff on Facebook, check Snapchat but won’t even read my messages on Whatsapp even though it’s telling me he’s online. I just feel like I’m being taken for a mug, what do I do?

Though he says he likes when I do it, he doesn’t respond to my sexy texts either. Never asked him why, but I assume he’s hiding something. He says he’s not married and doesn’t have a steady girlfriend, further more he says he loves me. So why doesn’t he respond? Clueless, but staying positive and confident in who I am and what I possess.

This article is all about doing what the guy wants to make him happy. Shut down your feelings of being disrespected and treated unkindly and keep it light, act like it doesn’t bother you so you don’t come off needy. Aka let men make every decision when it comes to a relationship on his watch and time, and don’t be needy. Jesus

I totally agree with Brooke. Here is the quote from this article that I find most sexist: ‘Orient your mind towards giving him what he likes, not on what you want to get from him’ . The implicit suggestion here is not to expect anything in return. So send him sexy photos, keep it light and fun to entertain and please him, but when it comes to giving the woman what she wants, i.e. to be heard, loved and respected, then that woman is labelled as ‘needy’. How very convenient for men! A good relationship is about give and take, and men would and should be expected to be respectful towards their women and respond to texts. I am not talking about obsessive and demanding texting, of which men are also guilty, but normal communication between two people who treat each other with love and respect. If a man is not responding to you, then he does not respect and does not appreciate you. You need to move on.

@Marina – You’re making an assumption about me and the article that isn’t true…

You think that I’m giving gender-based advice, telling women to put men first.

Truth is, when I work with guys, I tell them the same thing… that instead of being self-centered and thinking about how they’ve been wronged or what they want, shift their focus to considering where the other person is coming from.

And, just like you’re saying here, a few guys will whine, “What?? Why should **I** have to cater to her needs?!?! Women get everything in this society! Oh so I should just give and give, work till I drop and all she has to do is look pretty?”

This kind of defensive thinking comes from guys who have been hurt and that hurt turned to anger.

Everyone has been hurt. I have, you have… and I can understand how that hurt can turn to anger and bitterness.

Still… anger and bitterness aren’t effective and when I write to an audience, I write what will be the most effective for the person asking the question.

With all that said, we actually agree on much of what you are saying… yes, people do treat each other with love and respect in relationships… yes there is give and take.

You’re not going to get there having an adversarial attitude towards men (just as men aren’t going to get into a great relationship if they have an adversarial attitude towards women).

Eric, thank you for your comments. I would like to say straight away that I believe that you do have women’s interests at heart when you give them advice. And I understand that this is a guy’s perspective, which is referred to by the name of your site. However, as a woman, there are things in this article that I am very uncomfortable with. For example, whilst describing yourself as a hard working man, whose time is of value, you do not seem to give the same credit to women, and choose to focus on their ability to send you their naked pictures. In my opinion, this is stereotyping. Many women also work hard and long hours. So what is your point here? Why working hard should stop a person from being respectful? It is sufficient to say once that you are busy and will respond later. However, this is not even the issue that women raise here. They are not saying that they are frustrated because men do not respond to texts that they send them to work. The women here are saying that some men do not respond for hours, days, weekends. Women here are saying that the relationship is on men’s terms and that they feel exhausted of doing all the work, they feel ignored, unappreciated and hurt. I think the message should be loud and clear to men (and women) – leaving the other person ‘hanging’, being selfish, inconsiderate and disrespectful to others is not ok and should not be put up with.

Also, Eric, you make an assumption about me – I do not have adversarial attitude towards men. On the contrary, in my comments above I am actually talking about treating each other with fairness, respect and appreciation.

Hey Marina – you made a couple of points here, so let me speak to them one at a time.

First, with regards to stereotyping… honestly, I think you are creating an issue where there is none. If I say I’m hardworking, that doesn’t take away from the other person’s attributes. Me saying that I’m “X” doesn’t make the other person “not X”. And saying that I enjoy anything about a woman (e.g. her sending sexy pictures to me) doesn’t reduce her in any way either.

That’s not stereotyping — that is you seeing stereotyping when it isn’t there.

Stereotyping would be if someone stated something like, “Men work hard and women don’t”. I didn’t say that and I definitely don’t believe that. Personally speaking, the women I date tend to be highly educated and hard working (I’ve dated many doctors, lawyers, surgeons, business owners, top salespeople, a college professor, etc.) They happen to be attractive women, very feminine, but also very effective, hard-working, high-achieving women.

I think we live in a dangerous age right now because you’re not allowed to talk about gender issues openly… you’re only allowed to talk about the PC version and opinions on things… and if you bring up points that don’t mirror that incredibly limited narrative, you’re attacked for being an -ist (racist, sexist, chauvinist, etc.) And I’m not even talking about points *against* the PC narrative… I’m talking even just about points that don’t fall into that very limited narrative.

So that’s why I’m taking issue with you blanket-labeling my article as sexist or stereotyping… I mean, there are even several occasions in the article where I explicitly say, “this applies whether it’s a guy or woman”.

I try my best to make it clear that I’m not sticking characteristics to a gender, but some people are never satisfied… and it takes so freaking long to say anything when I have to pad EVERYTHING with softeners to make sure I’m not offending anyone… the point gets lost and it’s frustrating.

Now, to your other point – you’re saying that women are frustrated that the relationship is on the man’s terms and I’m not speaking to that.

I’ve written about this in many different articles and I think that if you read more of my stuff, you’d find that what I talk about, recommend and encourage is probably in agreement with what you think too. I just didn’t get into it in this article because I can’t write a book for every article.

October 18, 2015, 2:00 am

Pearl

This guy does the same thng. In the beginning he would txt but now very rarely. I usually would send tons of txts. One day i sent a sexy pic and he responded “i like that” and that was all. Well yesterday no txts. But at 9pm he txt and ask if i was mad at him. I said no ofcourse not. He told me to txt him at 9am this morning. I did but no response. Havnt txt him back yet. I think some guys do just want u to chase them to see how good they have u wrapped around their finger. But i learn fast. He is probably getting worried now bcuz two days in a row i held my ground. When he txt later i wont respond. He just pkaying games. Men do that. But he gonna be chasing me bcuz im going to give him the cold shoulder even tho i miss him terribly. If a guy really likes u and he see u are changing he will get scared and fix his attitude

My boyfriend and I took a break for a couple of months. We saw each other last week, and everything was just great ! And invited me to go to the beach with his daughter in the morning. However I had plans that day, with my Mom. But I asked for a raincheck. Anyway few days later asked him, if he wanted to go have ice cream and he replied “that he was in park with his daughter and then going to a restaurant. ” Then I answered, “At church, leaving soon, Where is the restaurant ? Seems like a funny name for a place. Lol.” Haven’t got a response since. I hope he didn’t think like if I was inviting myself, because I didn’t mean that. I just wanted to see him. And nothing else. What do I do ? Please help, I want to take the proper steps. Haven’t heard from him since Saturday and it’s Monday.

So there’s this guy that I’m very much interested and I have just started talking with. Things have been going good,but I’ve noticed I’m the only one asking questions trying to get to know him better.we text each other but he too takes hours to respond.before I read your article and watched the 7 secrets video. I sent him a text saying ” I have to be honest I feel like you’re losing interest in me.” Should I have sent him that text?

Hi,
Thanks for this article..I’m.confused :-/ and I’m would love some advice from military perspective. For me I had a really good chemistry with this person. Everything was good….until he was informed about deployment. He told me he doesn’t do well with long distance relationship. I told him I understood his decision since I had that experience and didn’t blame him. But! The problem is that he’s the ONE ?and I told.him I loved him with all my heart. He questioned this expression because we’ve met for only 3 wks already in person, and about 1 month via text. I feel I scared him away 🙁 that was not my intention. He told me he would think about what he wanted to do with our relationship. He left for a trip for 2 wks so I send him a message wishing him to have fun & to wishing he would come back safe. I didn’t hear back from him. A wk prior to sending him this last text I had send him a “good morning text” and I received a zero response :-/….HELP!

I totally understand and agree with what you are saying. However, he spends time texting and reaching out to his ex girlfriends, but doesn’t text me back. My texts are sweet, sexy, and fun. It’s frustrating when I do send him a question and he doesn’t reply but will reply to something stupid…selective replies.

I don’t see why a guy needs a sexy picture if he’s having a bad day at work and replying to that than something else that was written in the article neediness is more girl stuck on an island not a lot of resources not because she needs to know why a guy isn’t texting her back when its his fault.

What’s the problem ladies if the guy doesn’t text back for whatever reason is it gonna hurt to call him and get his attention that way? Voice mail? blind women much granted that doesnt get returned with some Are you that scared? All the he doesn’t text me back complaints problems

A guy in my church was madly interested in me, but the church members in my congregation fiercely oppose to him dating me. To them he should choose another who are their friend. He no longer in my congregation, but, he is still interested. The church members lied about me, spread a bunch of lies. He’s good friend with them, but i don’t communicate with him. I called and texted him once, he hasn’t replied back. I occasionally see him. When he sees me i can tell that his world lights up. I believe i love this guy too very much. Everywhere i go i carry him in my spirit. Can i tell him how i feel about him? I want to move on. What do you suggest???

I met this guy who play in the band. I thought that he was very handsome. We started talking and he asked me for my number. We started to text for a few weeks, all of the sudden he slow down on texting me and he never even ask me out or anything. He seem like he is trying to make me ask him out. Last I texted him he never reply till now. Should I be worried about or should I even ask him why he not really answering to my text anything. That was going to be my text to him “you seem to be very busy and I don’t want to be a bother to you. Let me know if you still want to talk to me”. What should I do?

I met this amazing sweet man a few weeks ago in Florida at a social club/hotel (I’m from NY, he lives in Amsterdam & NY)… We realized that we had everything in common and could not stop hanging out together for the rest of the night. We made out, I went back to my room afterward. He called me in the morning (4 hours later) asked me to go running before he had to leave for the airport – I said no, he called again and came by to say goodbye and we made out. During the time we hung out he said that he loved that we both have 2 kids and that we could take our time getting to know each other. He texts me as he was boarding his plane and said he couldn’t wait to see me in Ny. 1 week later he calls and texts. We’ve been exchanging sexy messages… He told me he wanted to spend the entire day with me and wake up to me… So things seemed to be exciting. I wrote him 2 semi long mssgs a few days ago telling him I’m excited to spend time together, and reflecting on the time we spent together the first night and he doesn’t respond. Both mssgs sent during his work day, my off time. He’s a CEO and I’m a VP… He thought we were so compatible. Why hasn’t he responded to my last mssgs? Too long to respond to bc he’s too busy or losing interest? His last mssg to me before my 2 mssgs was – “I will not disappoint you”. (Think its sex related bc his texts are pretty flirty/sexy). Am I his NY girl? We’re both 40. He’s divorced and I’m single after a 2 year committed relationship. I just want to know so I can understand whether I should move on or keep him as an option. I know that my next move is to not reach out again. But should I forget him? What is happening?

Basically i saw my ex boyfriend, we split up because of distance. I know he hasn’t been with anyone else and neither have I and when I saw him it was as if we were still together. I still have feelings for him, what do I do?

Amy , you need to think about the reasons you broke up. If when you saw him it felt like you’d were together , you’s broke up the last time you’s were together.
I’m not trying to be mean but if you see your ex again you should be wanting to get back together with him if he has changed or fixed the problem or the reason you’s broke up. If it feels the same as last time , it will en the same as last time

I have never been the type of girl to worry if a guy answers my texts or not. Then I meet this guy that’s really kind and before he asked me out we both had said that we didn’t want a relationship since we both had recently gotten out of one. We were good and he texted me all day, everyday. They were light, funny texts. Around October, November he says he likes me but he didn’t want to push me into a relationship ( i’m 19 and he’s 22) so I told him that I liked him too and that we could take things slow to see if we would work out. After I said yes, his texts started to become sweeter but less, we wouldn’t text ALL the time like before. I had no problem since i’m in college and I never see him all the time either ( We’ve only seen each other once and that was in November). I try not to text him everyday so we only talk once maybe twice a week and it never long possibly 1 hour. I was on spring break last week and he said that he was going to text me to see when we could go out. He never texted me and, to not sound needy, I didn’t text him either. I sent him a text saying Hi when I got back to school and he hasn’t answered( and that was on Monday). I don’t want to push him so I haven’t sent another one, what do I do? Do I still wait for him to answer?

Hi Eric! I’m a 19 year old female dating a guy age 30. I’m confused with his texting habits and the times we are seing each other. I’m so confused because I know he likes me but when it comes to seeing each other it almost never happens even though we text a lot and we’ve been having sex much too but lately he says he’s too busy to come see me and I know that I’m so busy too I can’t drop everything off my hand and anyways I told him we need to see each other more often and he indeed promised me that he will be better on that. But the thing is he has promised me a billion times since like 2 years! We have been on and off since then and we do have sexy conversations, I send him a lot of sexy pics and he sends me back, and then few days ago we both watched a kinky movie and I asked him if he have had kinky fabtasies about me and he ignored replying me. Anyways this is NOT the first time he ignores me the weird thing is that he comes on and off all the time I don’t know why. I know he came out of a relationship like 3 months ago and I’ve been completely fine with his gf before I think he might be seeing her again but I am still ok with it. You see this is complicated can you try to answer me in the best way you can? Thanks!

I can’t express in words what a breath of fresh air it is when a sexy woman appears on my phone and her fundamental message is: I want you to feel good. I want you to be turned on. I want you to want me.
And if you think I’m being a pig with what I just said, I challenge you to find a man who disagrees – even the most feminized, wouldn’t-hurt-a-fly, harmless man would agree that if there’s a sexy girl sending him some alluring messages, you can be sure he’ll be all over that. Guaranteed.

^^ thia is what I’ve read but I’m still confused because I am this woman and me and the guy I like and was friends with have been sexting for over a month we agreed fwb but haven’t met up recently due to distance all of a sudden he’s texting/sexting has diminished when I text him he either doenst respond or if he does it’s different I said if u don’t wanna talk to me anymore that’s fine just say but he didn’t say he doesn’t so what’s going on? Lol

The guy always texts back and I sent him a naughty flirty text and he responded wow. And didn’t say more I asked him if I was being to forward; we’ve had sex but he seemed unsure and uncomfortable with me asking him what he liked or if he felt good and just got the same tense it feels good. Its the only response he had; but was very affectionate, eye contact so he was interested. Is he interested in more and my sexual behavior is making him nervous that im not or is he inexperienced possibly and doesn’t know how to respond or reciprocate? I’ve said naughty things before and he responded with words like proficient and oral and bj.

Confused as I can possibly be. Our phone conversations are fantastic – we talk about everything, very in depth conversations about different things. Now I haven’t heard from him in more than a day and I literally have no idea why that is. We usually text every day – he recently had a large work project which he told me he would me very unavailable, so I didn’t expect any texts but he would still send me something during the day just a quick “I miss you” or “Thinking of you”. He is back, we have texted and talked by phone then yesterday – nothing – for the first time in 3 months – absolutely nothing. I text him yesterday day morning to say I hoped his meetings went well and that I knew he would be awsome in his work and that I was thinking of him. He has just started a new personal project that he is working on and we have talked about extensively. And now NOTHING!!!! He has told me he more than cares for me and that one day it’s just all going to come spilling out. He and I talk about the unusual connection we both feel and on and on. I am just so torn because I have feelling for this person and from everything he has said, he does as well. I have not text him since yesterday morning and I do not plan to. I feel like the ball is in his court at this point. I just enjoy him so much and as I said, I care for him. I have a very full life myself so I am busy with projects of my own. So I understand very much being busy. I just find it odd that during his other busy times, he still found a second to send me a quick message and now….????? I have told him how those little messages make me feel special and how much I appreciate him taking the time to send me that to let me know he is thinking of me. Almost as soon as I acknowledged those things – he hasn’t done it. He asks me if I am happy – and I answer that I am – because I am a happy person – I don’t rely on him to make me happy – he ads to my happiness however, which perhaps I should tell him that in that way, I usually just answer that questions with a “yes, I am”. And I have been, until right now – I am utterly confused – my heart feels like a small hole has formed for some crazy reason. HELP!!!!!!!!

My bf works out of town so when he is away I uaually get a short 5-10 minute phone call daily that’s it. But there are a couple times where I haven’t heard from him for2 days. It makes me feel w isn’t into me or there is someone else. When he is home I am with him all the time so I’m totally
Confuaed and vwry worried…..helppppp

Okay so this guy is a freshman in college and I’m a junior in high school I’ve liked him for the longest time and I started to snap chat him
He would respond but it was like a normal conversation. I feel like he doesn’t want to talk to me because he takes a long time to respond. How do I make him message me more and make him interested in me?

I met a guy and we met on a Friday night which is rare to begin with. He then preceded to ask me out Saturday night so all was good. We went out the next 2 weekends and started to talk about my personal life. I am in a situation similar to a situation that he just got out of with a 5 year GF. As soon as he found out my Mom lived with me he told me he needed time. A few days time is what he said he needed, but I couldn’t let it go, I kept hounding him and text bombing him. He has not replied to any of my texts for a week now. Is there any chance of getting him back?

Hi my case is a bit different. This guy with whom i had a veery long time affair (age difference of 15 year, he being 25 and me 40, so we couldn´t be gf and bf) used to text me every day and quite often as he lived far away (other city 7 hours away) from where i live. He moved now only 40 min away and said he was afraid of us becoming too close and he also realized he wanted a girlfriend as he thinks he is missing something in life by not having a real relationship. So we kind of “split” and obviously his texts are rather dry and he doesn´t text as often as before. He write one day he still like me and he wanted to see me to clarify things….still we didn´t see each other as he didn´t suggest it.
I stop writing to him because i don´t want to be either pushy or seem needy and i still like him but i miss him and miss his messages. I decided to leave him alone and break contact unless he wants to write…which is what I would like.
Sounds really dumm as the difference of ages is really big and eventually he will leave, i guess.

It seems your article is suggesting that we adapt ourselves to suit the needs of men. “Orient your mind toward giving him what he likes ,not on what you want to get from him” a relationship is give and take.

I don’t believe any relationship should be prohibiting in anyway for any of the participants, the point is a guy shouldn’t have to text you as a chore..I.e. If he would prefer to be doing something else then he shouldn’t be prohibited from doing that. If he stops texting then he is either playing it cool or would simply rather being doing something else. If a man used to text all the time and showed love and affection then suddenly stops it is probably one of those two reasons. I think my boyfriend of two years has started preferring to do something else, that is fine. It is your mission to find out why your boyfriend has stopped texting. Once you know you can make an informed decision on whether or not you want to carry on with them. Perhaps you like the chase or perhaps you don’t like to feel second best, you decide.

I say several times in the article that this stuff could apply just as easily to a man as a woman. So, that’s kind of the opposite of a sexist… I mean, yeah, I’m going to address an audience of women because this is a women’s site, but I repeatedly, explicitly write that I’m talking about behaviors that men and women mistakenly do and it has the same damaging effect regardless of gender.

When I write something, I write the kind of thing I would want someone to tell my sister if she was hurting and needed help with this question. So that means I’m going to write what I believe would help someone I love — even if it means saying things that might not fit within what’s politically correct to say. If it meant helping make sure I get a loved one out of pain, you can be damned sure I’m going to say it.

You don’t like my opinion – no problem. There are plenty of sites that will pander to whatever you want to hear… regardless of whether or not its helpful or even damaging to your love life — they don’t care, they just want your clicks so they can sell ad space. I’m doing my best to help women get real results and escape the vortex of bad or harmful advice in magazines, tv shows, movies, books, etc.

If all these messages out there were good for women, my site wouldn’t be the huge success that it is. I’m grateful that it’s a success — someone needs to say the tough things that nobody else wants to talk about.

So I took the time to write this comment… not for you, but for everyone here who sees the difference between this site and all the other websites out there. I can’t please everyone, but for everyone who appreciates what I try to do here… thank you.

Hi Eric, I’m in no relationship right now. I’m on a dating site and matched well with a guy. As we messaged, he stated, we have a lot in common. He asked to start texting so we did. In two weeks we sent pic’s of ourselves his were naked, he called min sexy, ckassy, he loves them, and had phone sex twice. He keeps saying we need to meet, when we set a day and time he was getting sick. Fine, I believe him. You suggested a sexy pic. Good idea. It’s fun, but is there a way to ask him if he still wants to get to know me? And, What is the standard of getting to know one another if the dating sites are where I’m meeting guys. I understand he and other guys are tired from work and are busy on days off and talking to other women on the site. Thank you for your time, Kim

Hi Eric, I’m in no relationship right now. I’m on a dating site and matched well with a as we messaged, he stated, we have a lot in common. He asked to start texting so we did. In two weeks we sent pic’s of ourselves and had phone sex twice. He keeps saying we need to meet, when we set a day and time he was getting sick. Fine, I believe him. You suggested a sexy pic. Good idea. It’s fun, but is there a way to ask him if he still wants to get to know me? And, What is the standard of getting to know one another if the dating sites are where I’m meeting guys. I understand he and other guys are tired from work and are busy on days off and talking to other women on the site. Thank you for your time, Kim

i broke up with my bf 7 months ago and it was my fault. But then i even apologized to him on facebook but he didnt reply. Then yesterday after 7months i phoned him and again apologized and asked him to patchup with me. He accepted my apology but didnt accept to patchup. Then i sent him a friend request and he accepted it. But when i messaged him, he didnt reply. Please tell me what should i do. I strongly want him back. I’ll appreciate your help. Stay blessed!

Hi Eric, I’m stuck and not sure if you can help but I thought I’d give it a shot. So me and my ex(it’s complicated) met at a party in May. I was 22 and he was 19. What I thought was a one night stand turned out to be a relationship. He said he’s faithful and doesn’t do one night stands and wanted to get to know me (he was drunk when he said this). Anyways after a month of friends with benefits and me slightly pressuring him on making me out, we started dating. Although the relationship still seemed like friends with benefits just with the added title. We would mostly hangout at my apartment, have sex, and then he would leave, everytime! I confronted him about this and he’s said it was because of his parents, even though he was an adult he had a curfew, even though it was usually around 2am when he would leave. Things were good though he made me feel good about myself, would always make me laugh, even bought me flowers after a small fight we had. Then it started going downhill when August came around. He goes to school in another state and we both knew that soon we wouldn’t be able to spend time like this anymore. He started hanging out with his friends more and bailing on plans with me. Along with that other things about his personality started to bother me so a week before I confronted him on how our relationship was not working out and how I wasn’t happy anymore I felt like he didn’t care about me like he used to. This talk was so heartbreaking, he started crying which made me start crying and we came to the decision to break up but still talk to each other to see if the long distance thing could work. He didn’t want the clean break because he said he loved me but hated how I always got mad at little things. So we left it at that. Since then we barely talked up until this week when he came home for thanksgiving break. Upon his arrival all I got was a snapchat saying he was back in town. I asked where he was and he replied saying he was at his friends. That night I awkwardly saw him for 2 seconds and left to go downtown to the bars with my friends. He said his phone was dead so when I get back I should text his friend. So I did when I got back and him and his friends were all still hanging out. I stayed up waiting for him to come over but he never showed. He texted me at 4 am saying he found a charger, and I replied by asking if he was coming over. He didn’t reply for 2 days. So I got depressed and decided I would not text him back. (I know this is my flaw, I’m a spiteful person) So after the 2 days he sent a text asking “What are you doing late tonight?” I thought it was a booty call and didn’t feel like responding anyways. The next night he asked if I wanted to come to a party, then what I was doing, and then attempted to call me but I ignored it. Today I texted him and asked when he was planning on leaving and his reply was that he already left. And this conversation lead to all the issues we had in our relationship. He doesn’t make me feel appreciated and/or loved because he doesn’t show that he cares. His words>”nothing is good enough for you, you hold ridiculous standards, and you get mad for the smallest reasons”. In my heart I know I should end it because we’re obviously not good for each other but at the same time I’m pretty sure I love him and think maybe he’ll mature when he’s older. Since he’s still 19 and I’m now 23. I do care about him a lot and he says the same for me. Do you think we could learn to accept each others flaws/ mistakes or should we just completely end things?

Hi, ok so I was at our normal sports bar for football and they happen to have another boyncer there helping. Totally not my type but he caught my eye. We made eye contact all day but never talked. As me and my friends were walking out he came all the way out to the parking not in front of my friends to ask for my number. I was completly shocked! I normally do not meet or talk to guys when out and wasnt really looking fir any relationship. But i was like wow to go through all that ill give him a shot. We texted small talk that night at he disappearred….. The next week saw him again, hesaid he was glad i came in….he dropped that night and lost my #. I also changed mine.
We texted a little throughout that day, and lil after he didnt seem big on texting. Asked few times if wants to hang out or come over and just wasnt happening. He had recently gotten out of yr long relationship that didnt end well. She cheated…
He approched my friends at time i wasnt there to ask about me. He then came to see me that night we did end up hooking up that night. Then again distant with the text. He does work full time very busy job so i wasnt concerned, he would go days with no contact. We hung out a two other times kinda same thing not much contact. He did tell me going things with court, buying house and work. Then we hung out and was telling ne he wanted to help me financially and have a baby settle down… We talk lil over that week. We make plans for dinner and movie night….at home. He texts on his way, then his cousin breaks down… He says he will be here soon as he can, no response the night or nexr day. I was really upset, figured i just wasnt priority and i was done not going to contact….. He calls 4th day my phone broke i am sorry i just got new phone. Mske plans he comes over next day. I said he talked to his cousin and cuz we never said excludive he didnt just want to show up. If ever happens again just come over no one here, dont leave me hanging and wondering ok,i promise…
So we make plans for few days later i go to normal hang out he working everything fine. he gonna play pool and come over in lil while no worries, ill go home make dinner see u in a bit. Kiss goodbye all fine…..
Few hrs later text hows going are u coming still? Yes and he was ready for dinner ok come whenever…. Few more hrs… Hows going? Nothing, hr u change ur mind? No he playing in tournoment. Ok good luck… See you in a bit. He has not texted or called or snswered phone in 3days.
I pretty much have talked myself into that he is not into me enough that i am not priority. I feel like if u like someone u show them. He tells me when with me but it us lije if not here i am not on his mind. I dont get why bother? Why tell me all the bs and my friends.
He really not ready? Or not into me?

Eric
Hi,so I met this guy on line two months ago. We started chatting regularly and eventually he gave me his phone number. I didn’t use it and instead gave him mine. It took him only couple of days to contact met. Since then we were texting each other pretty much non-stop all day. And most of the time it was him texting first. Eventually after three weeks we arrange a meeting in person. That was four weeks ago. During these four weeks he`d come to see me (he lives 30miles away) every night or every second night and we even spent our days off together. He was so into me and so opened about his feelings towards me. He always wanted to know how I feel about him and he tend to discuss the previous day via txts. He was the one who wanted to establish the relationship straight away (which I thought was a bit weird tbh) making sure that we are exclusive so I wouldn’t date other guys. Then he wanted me to tell my friends about him. Well eventually I did as we seemed to get on better an better. I thought he was quite sensitive and insecure as he kept telling me how he feels and asking me how I see things. Reading between lines it was like he doubted that I could like him. I didn’t get it. He was this typical good looking, cocky football player who spend a lot of time at the gym and posing in front of a mirror. Which I thought was hilarious and I kept laughing every time I saw him doing that. He kept talking about me meeting his children (he has 3) and his family. And also about our future. Quite frankly I thought it was all too quick but I never said a word. Then last weekend he came down to see me (even met two of my girlfriends) and we had a good time as always. He left on Sunday saying that he has a busy week ahead of him and if possible he`d come and see me in the middle of the week. I was completely fine with that. So as usual we spent all Monday texting each other although I though he was a bit distant in his text which I thought was due to his busy work load. On Tuesday he texted less saying he had no signal( which occasionally happened as he also works as gas engineer) and apologised saying he had a long bad day at work and not to ask. So I didn’t ask and just said that its ok that I understand. Since then I`ve not heard from him. I texted him couple of times but no reply. Its been, ,only,, few days but its very unlike him not to text at all. So I am really confused as I don’t know what`s happening.

I’ve been texting a guy I’ve met online for months! He pursued me with Se viral messages before I ever responded. Now I feel like there is chemistry and he only texts sporadically at best. We haven’t physically met. He wanted to “finally meet by swinging by my place at 1 am?!? Uhm…no way. I didn’t go for that. Should I walk away or is he interested? I’m clueless. Please help!

I did exactly what u said and sent him a sexy pic. He read it and did not respond i waited several days to talk to him then i sent him a message saying hey hows it going and shockingly he responded and then in the middle of the conversation he stopped and he didnt read the message yet now im waiting a day or two for him to open it. Hes on facebook, im not sure what to do? Should i leave him alone? Ask him for an answer? Let me know

We had a 4 year very rocky relationship, we tried to commit and be engaged but it felt so wrong and awkward, we finally broke up and usually when we fight we text for days debating and trying to figure out how to change and stay together, this time he hasn’t responded or called at all. I’m worried he moved on, what to do?

Been dating an older guy for 3 months, speaking most days on line.
He is from USA never been married and no children.
Things in my mind very going very well.. He told me he was invested with the relation and he even came all the way from the USA to visit travel time 36 hours.
We spent 5 great days together and and met up since.
We talk almost everyday.. Here is where I need help.
I have never been needy until out last meet up he was leaving to do a dangerous job ie gone into a war zone you can only imagine.
He told me he would contact me when he reached there( never did..
I sent one message saying hey I hope you made it.. First one was to Skype and no reply.. Second was to what’s app he replied I did make it A lot going on will get in touch with you soon.. It’s been 3 weeks and nothing I have backed off completely ..as I am unsure if he has or if he needs space due to his job and what he dealing with. How long do I wait I have no closure. Please advise, this man seems far to mature not to put closure on what we have we were even planning on me going to see him in the US.

Hi Eric, thank you for the wonderful advice! A few weeks ago I was driving myself crazy thinking I had done something wrong. I’m playing the waiting game right now and every time I feel like texting or calling, I read your articles again to drum it into my brain to stop! I’ll update when he comes around, but in the mean time, I’m keeping busy with my own stuff!

I don’t know how I have never read your advice columns before, but these have made me feel like I know more than ever before. So I have been talking to this guy that I met online in January. We have not met yet because I was away at school and only just got home. He initiated the relationship and used to be incredibly attentive to me. He would text me, sext me, call me…it was great. All of a sudden he says we are moving too fast and now he rarely texts me at all. He doesn’t answer my texts some times and it makes me crazy because he claims to want to talk to me more and meet me but I don’t know what to think. Please help.

Hi Eric
I don’t know how I didn’t read your columns before lol.. I think you are the love guru and I am reading your articles now for the first time coz I am going through a break-up myself at the moment. I had this problem: I didn’t know what else to do this guy to text me back. To my dismay I have broken up with this guy but by reading your article made me see clearly some of my own mistakes and I do want to thank you for your advice. It has helped me a lot today. Cheers from OZ.

I went on a trip with a guy. I know he’s busy from witnessing first hand the demand of his job. After the trip I texted him hi one day and he responded headed to dinner with a client I hope all is well. The next week I tested him with I know you’re stressed and pressured feel better. He responded the next day early in the morning with traveling sorry my text isn’t working great outside the us. I hope all is well.
He told me he did have to go out of town internationally and domestically for work. He even warned this would busy month. But the I hope all is well confuses me

I just had to leave a comment on this issue… I was seeing a guy who was doing the exact same thing: texting all the time, showering me with attention, etc. I noticed after a while, we texted less and less, and pretty soon I was texting him and he would take hours, sometimes a full day to respond! I realized after doing some research on this site that I was way too readily available for him. I wasn’t making him chase me. I wasn’t making him sweat it out wondering what I’m doing and why i’m not resounding. I decided that I needed to back off the neediness factor 100%. It was really hard not texting him and wondering what I could have done wrong, and wishing I could go back in time and redo it all. But I stayed strong and kept myself busy. After exactly one week of silence, he texted me! He apologized and said he has been so busy… he asked if I’m doing OK… he responded to my texts within minutes–not hours or days! I suddenly felt a HUGE shift in power in our relationship. I was making him chase me… and he liked it! I’m telling you ladies… this really worked. I got my second chance to “redo” everything. And now I always keep my cool. I will be the first to talk tohim once in a while, but i usually wait for him to come to me. I thought I was being rude at first by doing this, but men are weird. He is actually drawn to me more the less I act like I want him. Try it. It will suck at first, but if your guy is anything like mine, your silence will act like a magnet and draw him right back to you!

I think this is an ok article, but fails to answer the most important part! And that is, of you ARE in an established committed love relationship, and HE initiated 15 texts a day, and multiple e-mails a day, and multiple phone calls a day, and THEN gets “too busy” to even connect at all, THAT’S what seems to make even the strongest most independent women “needy”…

It’s when men change their attentiveness that women ask questions… And that SHIFT in the man’s behavior was NOT addressed in this article… Every woman knows that being busy and involved in their own lives is a healthy thing to do and a good way to be, but when your bf or fiancée pulls away and gives less and stops texting or responding to your attempts at quick easy connection, yes, sometimes that makes a normally and still independent strong woman ask questions!

It’s not needy, it’s curiosity! Shifts in behavior prick away at foundations of trust… An occasional lapse or the odd shift in behavior (a one-off), no problem, but the wholesale changing of entire relationship and love connection patterns deserves SOME explanation… And I didn’t hear that in this article…

Yea, well said. But I feel everything you say is true even when your not in a relationship. When your just talking to them, you still want to at least know why. Anyways, I don’t think the author of this article, eric, is actually reading these comments….

Problem is that there are so many that I get (in addition to e-mails, Facebook messages, etc.) on top of my actual day-to-day work that I can’t always respond… if I do respond, I want my response to be a great response and not half-baked…

When a comment is a lot of text I just don’t always have the time to read it. Plus A New Mode has such a great community that oftentimes someone from the audience will provide an answer.

Hi..Eric could u say something about Maureen’s comment..It would shed some light and clarify alot..

September 16, 2015, 9:14 am

Penny

When he finally texts you how long should you wait to text him back? minutes, hours days??
mine is the typical story where he used to test me atleast once a day if not more. Now 6 months into casually dating (we’re NOT exclusive) his texts are getting less and less frequent. We are both in our 50’s (if age is a factor..lol)

Eric,
My guy went from texting every day to going MIA for a couple of days after I told him how I felt about him. I realized in reading this article that when I told him I liked him, it was for him and not for me…so while I would have liked a reply I didn’t need it to feel secure about his feelings. Ok, maybe I was a tiny bit worried about whether he would reply because he could have gone into the freak out phase. You were right, the sexy text did the trick. It took 3 minutes for him to get back to me after 2 days of radio silence. It felt good to give him something nice to look at during his long work day 🙂
Thanks!
<3
Elle

It’s cuz he only wants sex from you, that’s y he responds to sexy pics and sexting almost immediately. I have figured this out from experience. I can be busy as hell but take 5 seconds to respond to say, I’ll get back with u asap or when I get home. If he doesn’t it’s cuz he’s BUSY getting other sexts and pics Believe it! This article is just an excuse for guys but in many ways true. It’s a guy telling us what most guys think and feel and it’s all in their crotch evidently right Eric?

I have disagree with you. I think that we often make too many excuses for men, saying how differently wired they are, when really, all humans are the same. If a woman/man wants a woman/man, rest assured that he/she will not lose an opportunity to communicate with her/him. Now if we take an extreme case where the woman/man is really busy at work…at the worse point she/he would reply saying that they can’t chat now but will reach out later during the day. I truly believe that a real grown up relationship should work that way…otherwise the woman/man is definitely not that into the other person.

@Eric, ask yourself and please be honest (I know that you like being straightforward) if that woman was indeed the one* (let me clarify the one, wouldn’t want you to think that I am stuck in a Disney Movie ending). The one: being a woman that you would consider as a serious long term partner, that you would be proud to introduce to your family and with whom you could see yourself having children. Would you really risk losing the relationship by blaming not responding to a text because you are busy.

When I justify an action by me being busy, it usually means, sorry dude I consider that the things that I am doing at work right to be of a higher priority and interest than you are. This was me being brutally honest. Now it doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t care for that person intimately on a superficial level…it just means that since they are not a long term investment for me or possibly because I am not at that stage of commitment…

This text was only to point out that at times we blame women for coming out as needy and dependent but really I have been in a few relationships where men were needy as well. After having experienced those needy men, I came to the conclusion that they came off needy to me simply because I didn’t care enough about them to make them feel confident about the relationship, again simply because I didn’t US in the long term; momentary distraction.

Well said and agreed! It’s all about common courtesy and the respect you have for a person. Unless you have a career that requires you to be without your phone, there is no excuse that you can go 24 hours plus without responding back to someone’s text message. The advice given to females is to not act needy, yet then we are given advice that makes excuses for guys not responding…sure, sure it is possible that a guy was just busy when you texted him, but more times than most a man will make time to respond to you. That response can be “hey, I’ll text you later, kinda busy right now,” or a response to continue the conversation but the point is people don’t just put people off that they are interested in, in fear that the person will lose interest in them.

By not saying this, but making an excuse for the guys texting habit only leaves many woman to assume everything’s alright with the guy they like and that he feels the same way about them, it is until they begin to see the mixed signals–like infrequent to long wait response times–that they can begin to exemplify signs of neediness. Yes, neediness is a mental and often emotional projection, but many people become needy in these relationships when they are led to believe they are close to achieving what they want (as in closing the deal and having the man/woman of their dreams be their gf/bf).

Simply put you don’t want women to be needy but then you tell the poor girl to continue contacting this man and subconsciously making him her priority when he’s giving signs he doesn’t see her the same way? Oh that’s the key to making a needy woman.

I used be the type of girl who got worried when a guy didn’t text back but now I don’t care cause I realised if a guy is really into you he will text you and we all get busy. I used to look at my phone at times hoping he would read my brain signals. The first think I have learnt with my new job is texts can be distracting especially when you’re in the middle of a line of thought trying to do your duties at work. You want to text back but you don’t respond as you get caught up in whatever you’re doing and the texting can drag on, sometimes you’re tired you want to respond but your so stressed out that you just want piece and lastly it can be hard at times, I know with myself I admit I have been faced with this dilemma one to many times if a guy is that into he will text you when his free. Eric I think this logic applies to both men and women .Thanks to your straight out truth I have come to not care so much as I did before if a guy liked text me because what is worrying going to do nothing and really ladies do we want to spend time messaging the guy who doesn’t put any effort at all and just cut our loses before we realise he is just not that into me or wait until the right one comes along who makes the effort and is really into us.

I dont know Eric. Its incredible to believe men arent into texting or that they are all busy as you are because we live in a technological era. Texting is all we do. Men, woman evenly.

Men may not text long emotional texts with their buddies, but they text. Woman in the other hand text and we can never have enough of the long texting thing.

I usually prefer e mailing than texting. I love computers and I hate cell phones.

All we want is that they show us some signs that they are still alive. Maybe 1 text a day asking us about our day. They just cant spend days not talking to us because that means they are treating us like their buddies, they arent showing us genuine interest. They are treating us like one of them. That is all we want.

The main problem with all of this (and I think that life will be much easier for everbody) is that men dont know how to treat woman. They dont know how we connect. Period.