Matthew Najmowicz

Sean Hannity is packing heat and so are the police

Recently on the Daily Show, they played a clip of Sean Hannity’s radio show in which Hannity tells his audience what he does when he’s pulled over. Apparently he tells the police officers that he’s carrying a concealed and yet legal firearm underneath his shirt and then lifts up his shirt to show his gun. I am guessing this remark was made in light of the Michael Brown slaying.

The best way to keep the cops calm is to show them the gun(s) you’re carrying. This is like is like calming a person with epilepsy down by taking them to a Pink Floyd laser show.

First off, who is pulling over Sean Hannity? He’s one of the most recognizable jerkoffs, I mean broadcasters, on cable network news. I sort of doubt Hannity is driving a 2006 Ford Focus through the mean streets of Manhattan. However, let’s assume that Hannity could only afford a $5,000 car and is wearing a dew-rag on head, blasting Jay-Z on his car speakers. I suppose you have to pull him over, right?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait!

Sean Hannity doesn’t listen to rap music. I’m sure his doesn’t wear a New York Knicks jersey with a matching cap tilted to one side. He may never have uttered the phrase “wassup” in his lifetime. Am I describing someone else or perhaps a different demographic of people?

That’s our Hannity, speaking the truth about what black people should do when they’re pulled over. Someone inform Black America that all they need to do is tell the cops where all the guns are and they will never be killed by a cop ever again. I feel a lot better when Whitey corrects black people’s behaviors.

Wait a minute, I think I stumbled onto something.

I watched the coverage of the riot in Ferguson, Missouri, and FOX News really knows how to put on a show. It was amazing to see them carting out black conservative after black conservative condemning the protestors or, as they put it, the lawbreakers. Where did Rupert Murdoch find these guys? I thought finding a black conservative was like finding a unicorn. All of the sudden, they had a plethora of unicorns on my television screen. They all said the same things, condemning the protestors, giving sympathy to the tough job police have, and downplaying any racial component to the rioting.

Black conservatives should do an experiment. Go take a nice drive near Chad Brown projects in Providence, Rhode Island, around 1 a.m., and when you’re pulled over by the police, please inform them of where the guns are on your person. I’m sure the police officer will have a response like Officer Barbrady from South Park: “Okey dokey, nothing to see here.”

Wait a minute? You mean to tell me that they’ll tackle the black conservative guy with five police officers, taze him, handcuff him, and throw him in the back of the squad car, LA Police-style. What gives? The black conservative guy did exactly what Sean Hannity said and was probably really confident and respectful about it.

How did it feel when the police officer slammed your head into the concrete sidewalk? Ask an Occupy Wall Street protestor. They could tell you how the pepper-spray and tear gas smelled and tasted.

Anyone notice anything different about the civilian police force nowadays? Why are they all wearing black with full body armor and carrying assault weapons? Why were there snipers in the Ferguson protests? SNIPERS!!!! When did civilian policing become something akin to videogames like Counter-Strike or to use something more current, Medal of Honor. The police SWAT teams always had something close to an armored car but now you see them rolling in Humvee’s that you used to see in TV coverage of the Iraq war.

Even as I was glued to the Boston Marathon bombing coverage, I was struck and shocked over the type of vehicles and equipment being implemented as the Boston Police were assessing the situation. I thought the Boston cops were all fat, drunken Irishmen. They’ve all apparently been on the South Beach Diet and know how to use an M-16 rifle.

I suppose the days of Officer Friendly are gone. I remember being in an auditorium and a cop on stage telling all of us to trust grown-ups and police officers. This guy called Officer Friendly would rap about 911 (he seriously dropped rhymes about emergencies and dialing 911). If I remember correctly, he even danced on the stage and made jokes.

Those days are gone.

Now it seems police officers are more like the robot ED-209 from Robocop. Remember the scene when they first unveiled the ED-209 for demonstration in the OCB boardroom and convinced a board-member to point a gun at ED-209? ED-209 gave the guy with a gun 10 seconds to drop the gun or ED-209 would shoot. The board-member immediately dropped his weapon and complied. ED-209 continued its countdown and told the board-member that he was in violation of the wall. Everyone screamed and the board-member tried to run and hide from the malfunctioning robot. The scientists who created ED-209 couldn’t control the robot. ED-209 reached zero and proceeded to waste the board member with a hail of gunfire from its robotic arms.

Suffice to say if you are a rich white guy, you get officer friendly. If you are anyone else especially if you are a person of color, you are going to get ED-209.