Posts Tagged ‘Super Bowl’

SANTA CLARA, CA (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The theme was Old VS New. With the help of the sensational defense, the Denver Broncos defeated the upstart Carolina Panthers 24-10, setting up a retirement for the ages for Peyton Manning. Meanwhile, back in the Boston area, New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady took in the game with family and friends. With the game still on the line at the beginning of the fourth quarter, be it nail biter or blowout — whether there’s a palpable malaise or edge of seat frenzy — Brady was prepared to spring into action.

“I fired up a brimming bowl of piping hot cheese dip and fresh corn chips to ignite the viewers into a demented disorder of dipping delight.” Brady chimed.

“Trust me when I tell ya, that was some serious motherfuckin‘ cheese dip!” said tight end Rob Gronkowski. “TB has got it goin‘ on with that glorious melted pastiche of Wisconsin cheddar, Époisses de Bourgogne, and Caprino della Valbrevenna with a hint of Bolivian chilies.” (more…)

GLENDALE, AZ (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) New England Patriots Head Coach, Bill Belichick has been working around the clock to figure a way to replace the Seattle Seahawks allotment of league authorized footballs for the Super Bowl with buttered ones.

“I’ve been on the phone with Anthony ‘Tony Cholesterol’ Randazzo and the fine folks over at Land-O-Lakes to work a little eleventh hour magic on Super Bowl Sunday,” said the Pats’ big honcho. “Take it from me, in cold weather, deflated balls can make a difference. But the weather should be pristine in Arizona, so we’re going with butter. I suspect it’ll play havoc with the other team’s grip. We’ll do anything to gain an advantage. If it requires a tasty dairy product strategically slathered on the old pigskin, so be it.” (more…)

Buck Up Bronco. This Denver fan’s heartache is magically washed away with a cocktail of good old fashioned compassion and some kick ass weed.

DENVER (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) In a game most prognosticators believed would be tight and perhaps one of the most thrilling Super Bowls ever played, one team barely showed up. The Denver Broncos fell and fell hard as they suffered a 43-8 defeat at the hands of the new world champs, the Seattle Seahawks. Halfway through the second quarter, grief counselors from around the country began making plans to rush to the aid of sickened, depressed and suicidal Broncos fans.

Allison Starkwell, a counselor from Philadelphia, acted even sooner catching a flight immediately after the bad snap that led off the first quarter allowing Seattle to enjoy an early safety. (more…)

SEATTLE (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Only seconds after Seattle Seahawks cornerback, Richard Sherman’s puffed up, angry outburst during the now infamous post game interview with FOX’s Erin Andrews went viral, the target of his rant was cooking up a virus of this own.

San Francisco 49ers wide receiver, Michael Crabtree was planning a payback. Crabtree, who minored in biomedical engineering at Texas Tech, went to work on a Lysergic Quinine Protein derivative (LQP-79) injection. (more…)

When In Doubt, Hunt. The massive search is still on for Lamar Landmesser.

NEW ORLEANS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The nail biting 4th quarter of Super Bowl XLVII may have resulted in a 34-31 Baltimore Ravens victory in the first brother vs. brother championship, but that scenario took a back seat to the drama which continues to unfold in the Louisiana swamps.

Under the direction of infuriated NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, the league has sprung into action with a massive manhunt. They’re sparing no expense to hunt down and if necessary shoot and kill Lamar Landmesser, the chief electrician at the Superdome. (more…)

Manning Up? Eli Manning will have to man up. Here he is seconds after shaving went askew.

INDIANAPOLIS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Teammates were concerned when New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning switched from a razor to an electric shaver last week, claiming he won’t get as close a shave and problems have been known to occur.

“I told him.” said defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul. “You get two or three day’s growth caught up in those rotating blades and the shit can hit the fan.”

Manning’s right cheek whiskers got caught in the Philips Norelco® AT810 Powertouch with Aquatec Technology, then eventually his entire face succumbed to the floating heads resulting in a cranial explosion. (more…)

National Nightmare. Xtina puts her heart into botching the Star Spangled Banner

DALLAS (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Christina Aguilera’s version of the National Anthem at the Super Bowl infuriated millions of people nationwide when she botched the lyrics and forgot one line entirely. Radio shows and message boards across the country were buzzing almost immediately. But as her vocal gymnastics routine continued, she apparently rebounded enough to satisfy Kwan Luck, the North Korean judge who gave her a perfect, yet highly controversial score of 10.

“Her vocal gymnastics were of the highest order,” Luck said through an interpreter. “The pan-global, stylistic bravura, the incessant ‘Whahahaha Ohohohoh’ tremolo-vibrato hybrid, and the pulling away from any semblance of melody so that the song became almost unrecognizable was world class, not to mention, flawless. The fact that she dropped a line and fucked up another, pardon my French, is really immaterial. What we’re talking about here is her ability to make the song about herself; to soar above and steal the spotlight from the largely forgotten, unappreciated, classically-trained, supporting musicians earning union scale. That’s entertainment.” (more…)

Coach Bill Parcells is known to keep score of his witty sideline come-backs. Here he's pictured just after opening kick-off, getting off a "good one" at the expense of head linesman Jim Garrison.

MIAMI, FL (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The irrepressible Bill Parcells, revered by close associates for his relentless ribbing, witty sideline banter and lively post-game repartee, will bring his unsparing “take no prisoners” brand of humor in covering the Super Bowl for Sportsman’s Daily. For millions of football fans around the country who only know Parcells as a gruff, humorless, controlling monomaniac, the move came as a shock. However, associates past and present, as well as former players, who know the “other” Parcells, took the news in stride and look forward to his stint as a TSD diarist.

Dick LaFontaine, long-time Miami Dolphins public relations director, said this about the coach whose comic stylings he came to admire. “I’ve been with the Dolphins through the Don Shula years and believe me when I tell you, Coach Shula was fall down funny – it was all in his subtle Benny-esque facial expressions, just a master. Saban, Sparano? They wouldn’t know a sight gag if it tumbled out their ass. From the minute Parcells got here it was non-stop hilarity. Damn, just watching the guy riff on some poor secretary in the main office – ‘did you learn to be this stupid or where you born this stupid?’ – the SOB wouldn’t stop, the lines just kept coming, one after another. Just brutal, in a funny way. The guy never ran out of material.” (more…)

BOCA RATON, FL (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) Chet Lassiter, the longtime Sportsman’s Daily staffer, who over the years has consistently refused to reveal his Super Bowl prediction until after the game has been played, has done it again.

“Lassiter bounded into the office at 8:18 this morning,” said fellow veteran reporter Gregory Jansen. “Well, ‘bounded’ might be stretching it given his recent knee surgeries. But he walked in all cocksure of himself declaring he predicted the final outcome of the Super Bowl would be 31-17 in favor of the Saints. He does this all the time. It’s a sort of retro prediction, which by the way is becoming a rather popular trend in the office.” (more…)

MIAMI, FL (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The irrepressible Bill Parcells, revered by close associates for his relentless ribbing, witty sideline banter and lively post-game repartee, will bring his unsparing “take no prisoners” brand of humor in covering the Super Bowl for Sportsman’s Daily. For millions of football fans around the country who only know Parcells as a gruff, humorless, controlling monomaniac, the move came as a shock. However, associates past and present, as well as former players, who know the “other” Parcells, took the news in stride and look forward to his stint as a TSD diarist.

Dick LaFontaine, long-time Miami Dolphins public relations director, said this about the coach whose comic stylings he came to admire. “I’ve been with the Dolphins through the Don Shula years and believe me when I tell you, Coach Shula was fall down funny – it was all in his subtle Benny-esque facial expressions, just a master. Saban, Sparano? They wouldn’t know a sight gag if it tumbled out their ass. From the minute Parcells got here it was non-stop hilarity. Damn, just watching the guy riff on some poor secretary in the main office – ‘did you learn to be this stupid or where you born this stupid?’ – the SOB wouldn’t stop, the lines just kept coming, one after another. Just brutal, in a funny way. The guy never ran out of material.”

Former Giant and Hall-of-Famer Harry Carson remembered the time Parcells stormed into the visiting locker room at half-time, with the Giants down by 12 points to a team they were expected to beat handily. “Man, Bill looked scary pissed. He slapped a clipboard from an assistant’s hand, pushed past some of the guys and stood in the middle of the room looking like he was going to kill the first ten guys he laid eyes on. For ten seconds he just stands there, we’re waiting for him to explode, but all we see is steam coming from his ears. I mean literally – steam was pouring out of his ears. Then all of a sudden a loud whistle goes off, Bill opens his fly and pisses into a cup. ‘Anyone for a spot of tea?’ It was the funniest fucking thing I’d ever seen. Perfectly executed gag. And by the way, we went on to win by 14 points.”

Similar stories abound, all attesting to Parcells’ strategic use of comedy and pointed satire — the barb, the gag, the Thurber-inspired ironic zinger — always perfectly tailored to the situation at hand.

“One year during mini camp, a rookie offensive tackle was missing his assignments, nearly getting me and my backup killed,” said former Giants quarterback Phil Simms. “The next day, first play we run, same thing, I nearly get run over. Bill pulls the guy aside and replaces him with a 300 pound circus clown in pads. The clown couldn’t block for shit and after three plays had to be airlifted to a local hospital. Was it funny? Yes and no, though watching a 300 pound clown being chased for thirty yards by LT was kind of amusing. But Bill made his point using a comic device as a learning tool. Name me one other coach who knows how to use textbook satire to such positive effect. ”

News that Parcells has joined, if only for a short while, the ranks of sports media who for years were on the receiving end of his blunt, dismissive condescension, did not sit well, as reflected in the following comment by New York Post Sportswriter and media watchdog Phil Mushnick. “Say what you want, Parcells was, is and will always be an insulting, self-serving bully. Parcells’ idea of a punch line is what his knuckles leave on your face. If I want insult humor, I’ll throw on a Don Rickles record. I hope TSD knows what it’s getting into. Good luck.”“I’ve been saving some of my best material for this,” said the recently retired coach whose punishing wit, piercing jabs and remorseless satire have been well-guarded secrets for years … until now

“I’ve been saving some of my best material for this,” said Parcells, whose punishing wit, piercing jabs and remorseless satire have been well-guarded secrets for years … until now

Coach Bill Parcells is known to keep score of his witty sideline come-backs. Here he's pictured just after opening kick-off, getting off a "good one" at the expense of head linesman Jim Garrison.

MIAMI, FL (The Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service)

The irrepressible Bill Parcells, revered by close associates for his relentless ribbing, witty sideline banter and lively post-game repartee, will bring his unsparing “take no prisoners” brand of humor in covering the Super Bowl for Sportsman’s Daily. For millions of football fans around the country who only know Parcells as a gruff, humorless, controlling monomaniac, the move came as a shock. However, associates past and present, as well as former players, who know the “other” Parcells, took the news in stride and look forward to his stint as a TSD diarist. (more…)

Deep Thoughts. An introspective Ron Jeremy contemplates what he’s left the world. “I’ve got more to give,” he told TSD last October.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The NFL announced today that porn legend Ron Jeremy will serve as the official celebrity Head Linesman for Super Bowl XLIV in MIami. Though Jeremy will have no real authority in the game, the star will get to make several “calls” on the sideline to an auxiliary camera. (more…)

I'll Have a Triple Bypass with Cheese Please. A relatively healthy Phil Taylor, 44, of nearby Davie, tried the prototype deep fried cheeseburger on Monday and wound up almost immediately in a cardiac care unit.

MIAMI (Sportsman’s Daily Wire Service) The three gentleman who claim to have concocted what is perhaps the single most unhealthy food item on the planet, are getting their day in the sun.

The dreaded Deep Fried Cheeseburger with Bacon will make its Super Bowl debut on February 7, 2010 at Miami’s Dolphins Stadium at a lone stand called Ziggy’s. (more…)