Project: Good in Bed—Yes, I So Rocked His World!

Last I wrote, I was feeling like an old, haggard, dull excuse for a wife—the very type of wife who might have a husband who wasn’t particularly interested in bedding down with her. I can tell you, worrying that you may no longer be attracted to your husband is one problem. Worrying that he may no longer be attracted to you? That’s a problem of an entirely different magnitude.

The Smartest Decision He Ever Made

That, my friends, was a problem that I knew I needed to solve ASAP.

In order to remedy this dismal situation, I decided to make our next sexual experience one for the books. This sex was going to be something he’d remember wistfully for decades. It was going to be so incredibly awesome, that he would put the toilet seat down for years and years to come—all with the glimmer of hope that doing so just might make this great sex happen once again in his lifetime.

It was going to rock his sexual world.

It was going to leave him with just one thought in his blond head, and that one thought was going to be this: “Marrying that woman was the smartest decision I ever made.”

Problem was, I had no idea how I was going to accomplish this. Precisely what does a woman do in order to rock a man’s world?

I went online and I read a bunch of entries from Alexa DiCarlo’s Real Princess Diaries blog. She’s a high-class prostitute. I figured if anyone knew what my husband secretly wanted me to do for him in bed, it was her.

Alexa informed me that men beg for the opportunity to smack her boobs around. They moan in ecstasy when she shoves her finger up their bottoms. They thank the heavens for the permission to piss all over her.

Although I found all of that enlightening, I didn’t find it helpful. I’m all for sexual experimentation, and there are a lot of risqué things I’m willing to try in the bedroom. Getting peed on and sticking my finger up my husband’s dupa are not among them. Maybe someday I will be that wife, but today is not that day.

So I sat on the couch and I stared into space for a while, as if staring into space would somehow transform me into a married vixen who knows how to rock her man’s world. It didn’t.

Then I cursed myself for having the audacity to blog that I was going to rock his world in bed. If I hadn’t blogged it, I could have just resorted to our usual mediocre sex—and no one except for me and my husband would have been the wiser.

And, then, in the mail, I found a little box, and in that box was a DVD that I’d ordered a few weeks before. It was Tristan Taormino’s Expert Guide to Oral Sex—Fellatio. It seemed like a sign, you know? So I put it in the DVD player and I watched it.

Now, let me say this: It’s not as if I don’t know how to give a good blowjob. Over the years, I’ve become somewhat adept at it. The DVD, however, did teach me a few new techniques, though. For instance, the actress in the DVD sucked on the man’s testicles. And I mean she sucked them hard, like they were big pieces of rock candy.

I’d licked my husband’s testicles before, but I’d never thought to suck on them. “That must hurt,” I thought. “But maybe I should try it anyway.”

My husband was due home for our nooner in a couple hours. As I waited for him to arrive home, I:
1. Gave myself a Brazilian.
2. Slathered coconut oil all over my body.
3. Put on some lingerie. Specifically, I made sure to wear the thong panties that my husband loves (because he’s a butt man)
4. Put on a bathrobe (so I could walk around the house and not have the neighbors peek through the windows and see me in my lingerie)

And then, dressed in lingerie and a bathrobe, I worked at my computer—waiting for him to get home.

Let me tell you something: I don’t care how nonexistent your sex drive is. I don’t care how exceptionally boring whatever it is you are doing at your computer. If you give yourself a Brazilian, lather your entire body up with lube, and sit in a skimpy outfit for a couple hours, you will be hotter than The Everglades in July by the time your husband comes home for your nooner.

And, ladies, I don’t know about you, but when I feel hotter than the Everglades in July, lots of strange, magical things happen. They include:

1. I’m suddenly 10 pounds skinnier
2. When I look in the mirror, I see Heidi Klum’s image staring back
3. My boobs become young, full and perky again
4. My husband looks like God’s gift to women
5. I think it’s fun to pretend I’m a stripper and do really wild and crazy things in bed

By the time he walked in the door, I had fully transformed into a seductress who purred syrupy lines like, “Let me lead you to the bedroom.” I pushed him onto the bed. His back landed on the mattress with a soft thud. He edged himself onto his elbows and looked at me with a crooked grin that said, “I don’t know what you did with my wife, and I so don’t care.”

I took off my bathrobe and let it fall to the floor.

“Wow,” he said.

I climbed on top of him. I started kissing and licking his neck. I slowly made my way down his body. I took my good old sweet time with my husband. There was no rush. Neither one of us had anywhere we needed to be than in bed with each other. I slowly licked and kissed every part of his man bits.

Just before sucking his balls, I purred, “I’m going to try something new. Stop me if you don’t like it.” He nodded.

I pulled one testicle into my mouth. He put his forearm over his eyes, turned his head to the side, and grimaced. I stopped.

“I’m sorry. That hurts, doesn’t it?’

“No! Oh, my God. It’s fantastic. Just fantastic.”

“Oh,” I said.

And then I pulled the other ball into my mouth.

He said, “Is this all about me or are we going to have sex together? I’m asking because I’m going to blow in about 10 seconds if you keep doing that.”

“Oh,” I said.

I lightened up, just teasing him a bit, bringing him close to the edge, but not letting him go past it. No, it wasn’t quite time for him to blow. I was going to rock his world, and worlds don’t get rocked in 10 seconds or less.

When it seemed as if he was beside himself with sexual tension, I stood up. I swayed my hips back and forth as I slowly took off the panties. I got on top of him. I brought him inside of me.

“You’re a furnace,” he said.

“I know,” I said. “I’m hot.”

I slowly moved my body, trying to make it last. I wanted to stay in control, to drag it out, to really tease him—and me. But I was already losing control. My body wanted a release and it wanted it now. It was time.

We came almost simultaneously. It was good and it was sweet and it was powerful.

“How was that?” I asked, my chest now against his, my lips near his ear.

Comments

Alisa - this is amazing. If I didn't know better I'd think that my wife recently read this article! After years of pushing and prodding on my part (we've been together 20 fabulous years), my bride has finally started to take some initiative to make things hotter for 'the old man'.

I can't even tell you how great that is - but I don't have to you - you experienced it for yourself.

If more women would take your advice we could close divorce court for good! That's if the guys out there would do the same!

I put in 150% effort to giving my girl as many clitoral, vaginal, g-spot, a-spot, extended, blended, multiple orgasms that I can! Not only is it great fun to do - there's nothing like building up a little 'equity' in your account for those days when she's sitting on the fence to get her to move in my direction.

Sorry for going on - but I obviously loved your article. Very well written and on-point!

Alisa Bowman has written the quintesential guide for you ladies out there who want to please your guy [https://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/sex/good-in-bed-rocked-120892/].

You've got to check this out - this is the most fool proof formula you can find! Combine her advice with what you know about your guy's hot buttons and you'll have him eating out of your hand! Even lower if you like!

Dangerous Lilly: Oh, just with a razor. Not with wax. Although I do know someone who once did it with wax. I've found that shaving is almost as good... not quite as soft, but close. You need shaving cream and not soap, though, because the hairs can be a bit gnarly.

01/13/2010

swan

You can give yourself a wax brazilian. Sally Hansen makes brazilian wax. It's not that complicated or difficult, you just have to have about 45 minutes or so (half of that is spent repeatedly getting your wax back up to temp) and the moxie to pull the wax off in a swift move. The first few pulls are the hardest - you break out in a bit of a cold sweat, then your endorphins kick in, and it's all good. Just keep in mind that the wax kit cost about $11 at CVS drugstore (microwavable wax pot, after wax soothing oil, spatulas, mirror, and trimming scissors), and a wax in a salon here (Northern Virginia) runs $65 + tip. That is worth the extra time it takes compared to having someone do it for you.

And a freshly waxed pussy is quite a thing to behold. You'd never guess you could be that smooth down there, who knew? I feel sexier when I'm stubble-free, and my husband LOVES it.

Wonderful article. But...I'm not really into cock sucking. I've had some bad experiences with men and am not really into it. I want to do something to my husband though, something crazy that "rocks his world," and I've done it to him before and he went nuts over me, so maybe it's a good idea to keep trying. I can't make myself like it, but after all of the wonderful fellatio he's performed on me, I think he's earned it.

Author

Alisa Bowman is a professional writer who blogs at ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com and here at SeXis. This middle aged mother is on a quest to recover her sex drive, her lust for her man, and some sizzle in her marriage bed. She calls it Project: Good in Bed, and she invites you to read along as she blogs about this journey here.