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July 8, 2010

A popular Christian belief is that no man knows the day that Jesus will return to Earth. Well, it seems that the guys who wrote the Bible (see image at left) painted themselves into a corner on this one...the damn waterheads created a loophole that makes it impossible for Jesus to come back! Allow me to explain.

I'm going to pick a day. Any day. Hell, you pick a day for me. Let's go with December 25th, 2010, not for symbolism but for the fact that I want to get my presents without interruption.

So I'm going to think really hard about this day. I'm going to hope and wish and meditate on it, the same way you would do it for a bet on a Vegas roulette wheel or even while praying to a make-believe man in the sky. I'm going to develop as much faith in my day as a religious person develops in their make-believe god.

And now, magically, that day has become off-limits to Jesus. He cannot return on that day, because I truly believe that he WILL return on that day. The same way a Christian believes in Jesus, I believe in that day. My faith is strong. I don't guess, I KNOW that Jesus will return on that day.

Jesus cannot return on that day because to do so would validate my belief. And in FantasyLand, the make-believe Christian God does not and cannot make mistakes.

But wait, there's more.

After December 25th, 2010 passes without Jesus return, I'll be a bit saddened. Like a devoted Christian whose prayer was not answered, I'll go back to the well. I'll pick another day, say another prayer. This time it's gonna happen, I know it in my bones.

Meanwhile in FantasyLand, Jesus puts down the car keys and sits back down to his Lawrence Welk reruns. He won't be returning that day either.

Now I am only one person. Imagine if every person, every non-Christian on the planet, chose a non-overlapping day. What if every child was assigned a day, and taught in schools around the world that their day was a very special day, for it would welcome Jesus back from FantasyLand. Imagine the faith of these children!

We're talking billions of days here. The beauty of it is that it will stave off starvation, plague, death and destruction...all those nice little perks that Jesus brings with him.