The other day, I ordered a small pizza for lunch. The delivery guy showed up, sweating from the summer sun, and told me my total was $10. I had a twenty-dollar bill on me. As I handed it over to the exhausted, out-of-breath pizza guy, I felt bad asking for change. So, against my better judgment, I gave him the entire twenty. A 100 percent tip.

You’re thinking it, and I’ll be the first person to say it—that was stupid.

Sure, I wanted to be nice—it’s nice to be nice. But I had also just voluntarily paid double for something. And I’m in no financial position to pay double for things.

I vowed that my “politeness spending” had to end.

But first—how much have I been spending on being too nice—on avoiding confrontation or making financial decisions based on guilt? Here’s a look back on the past week.

Not Correcting the Sales Clerk–$2.00
As a kid, the worst thing that could happen during a shopping trip with my mom was the sales clerk wrongly ringing up her item. Oh man, the memories still haunt me. We could be late for an appointment, holding up a line—she didn’t care. She was going to get her twenty cents off those grapes.

Not to blame Mom, but I think that’s part of the reason I always shy away from correcting the sales clerks—even when they’re wrong. Part of me still remembers that twinge of dull despair in their eyes as Mom Wong asked to talk to a manager. I feel bad.

So the other day, when the sales associate at Bed, Bath & Beyond rang up my item for $2.00 more than it was marked, I didn’t say anything. There was no one behind me in line; he wasn’t terribly intimidating. I just didn’t say anything. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it; I wanted to be polite.

That cost me two dollars.

Paying for a Friend’s Troubles–$10.00
I invited a friend out for happy hour the other night. I hadn’t seen her in a while, so I thought it would be nice to grab some drinks and catch up. When she got there, she complained about the awfulness of sitting in LA traffic after a rough day at the office. Nothing new. But when the check came, I made sure to pick it up because I felt bad. Since I invited her out, it was obviously my fault she had a rough evening. Silly, I know, and she even asked, “Are you sure?” “Yep,” I insisted. It was a nice gesture, sure. It also cost me ten dollars more than I was prepared to spend.

Just Saying ‘Yes’–$30.00
We’ve all been in this situation. A friend asks you to go out, but you 1) can’t afford it or 2) don’t want to afford it. I didn’t have the money to spend on brunch one morning. But a friend who I had already rain-checked twice in a row really wanted to hang out and have pancakes. I gave in (it was before I read this recent GRS piece). We had a good time, but I could have suggested doing something that involved not spending money. However, this friend enjoys brunch, and I wanted to please her. She was pleased. It cost me $30.00.

In the past week alone, I’ve spent $42.00 on being too “nice.” That’s $168 a month and $2,000 a year I’m spending to be polite.

And it doesn’t necessarily stop there. I’ve realized there are other instances in which this non-confrontational, people-pleasing side of me has literally had to pay for being polite. Examples include not asking for a raise and allowing a roommate to overcharge me for rent.

Why I Do It
You probably know this situation. You’re unhappy with your restaurant meal or service, the waiter comes by and asks, “How was everything?” And even though everything was subpar, you respond: “It was great.”

Maybe you’re an assertive person and this has never happened to you, but I think many of us have this problem. In fact, I know many of us have this problem, because a study found that people who do this—say “it was great” even though it wasn’t—actually end up tipping the waiter moredespite being dissatisfied.

What’s all that about?

According to the researchers, consumers feel guilty about their dissatisfaction and try to cover up their white lie by tipping more. The phenomenon is so prevalent, according to the study, that waiters know about it!

The psychology behind this is an entire post in itself, but at its core, I think it has to do with wanting to be accepted. We avoid confrontation and try to make strangers happy because, instinctively, we want to be liked.

But how much money are you willing to spend on being liked? The clerk at Bed, Bath & Beyond is cool and all, but I wouldn’t pay for him to like me, which is essentially what I’m doing when I keep quiet in order to avoid annoying him.

How to Stop
What I’m starting to realize is—all of this isn’t really about being polite. It has more to do with fear. We fear confrontation. We fear not being liked. We fear losing our friends.

For me, what’s helped to curb politeness fear-based spending is doing exactly what I’ve just outlined here—figuring out how much money has gone to being “too nice.”

Sometimes it’s just a couple of dollars, but if I had a couples of dollars for every time I thought, “it’s just a couple of dollars,” well—I’d have $42 dollars this week.

What’s also helped is the realization that I have financial goals. So when I give the pizza guy a 100 percent tip out of what, at its core, is guilt, I’m being impolite to myself and irresponsible with my financial goals.

This isn’t to say politeness should be completely tossed out the window. If I’m in line, there are ten people behind me, the store is closing in five minutes, and they have to go get a manager over my two dollars, I’m probably just going to tell them to forget about it.

It seems simple, but I’m learning that politeness is based on kindness and manners, not fear or unfounded guilt.

Sure, I can take a friend out for drinks, and maybe if I really feel like making someone’s day, I can give them a big tip. But those decisions should be based on something positive.

And one final thought as we continue our journeys to financial success—as Bill Cosby once put it: “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.”

J.D.’s note: Read that last sentence again, the quote from Bill Cosby. This is huge, and not just in personal finance. They key to failure is trying to please everybody. I wish I’d learned this decades ago. If you can learn (and apply) this knowledge, you’ll be happier, healthier, and wealthier.

Great article – it’s something most of us are guilty of. Very perceptive! :)

I think there’s a difference between blessing a friend and caving to pressure from salespeople (which waiters are, by the way). The former is good, not bad. People (friends, especially) are more important than money.

You’re right, though, about salespeople, and the fact that they trade on our reluctance to confront. If the amounts are small, I don’t make an issue of it, but if it’s more than $5, I will speak up.

A trick I learned with this is to not accuse, but to ask a question. “Am I reading this correctly?”

The moment you ask a question, you put the fear of confrontation on the other person. That takes 90% of the fear of confrontation away…

There’s a difference between spending money on a friend or to spend time with a friend and paying more because you’re afraid to speak up, for sure. But either way the point holds that there’s no sense spending money that you can’t afford to spend just because you’re being nice.

As far as spending on friends goes, like with the drinks out, just remembering that your friends are more appreciative of your time than your things can make a difference in stopping yourself from treating them when you can’t afford to.

“We fear confrontation.” Lots of people fear confrontation, but certainly not everyone. Some people don’t mind confrontation. Some people seem to enjoy confrontation.

The only person that needed confronting in situation #1 (the pizza delivery) was the author. It was the author’s idea to overtip. There was no pressure or expectation to do so.

Spending money on friends is not the same as overtipping. Lots of times friends will try to pay you back sometime in the future. It’s not money out the window. It’s goodwill. Part of what you were paying for in situation #4 (brunch) was cancelling on your friend the previous two times.

Maybe the bigger issue is that your schedule is too hectic and you pay more because you feel like you have the money, but not the time (to pick up the food yourself, to haggle at the cash register, or to hang out with your friend when originally scheduled).

Kristin, you sound like such a nice person! I am more like your mother: I don’t care if it’s a 10 cents difference, if they didn’t ring me up right I will do what it takes to correct the situation. Embarassingly, I will even take it a step further and ask for a discount on certain items (clothing for example) if there appears to be damage. The worst thing that could happen is that they will say no, and that’s the end of that.

Yeah, I’m a lot like Mom Wong too at the checkout but a lot closer to kristen on the paying to take care of friends thing.

I had a weird situation recently of friend-friend-over-niceness-spending. Friend C. was bummed out. 3 of us took her out for drinks, offering to buy her one each as we went in. Later, C’s friend Z arrived. Z got some food, etc. When the bill came, the 3 of us paid for C.’s drinks as agreed, but then C turned around and bought Z’s meal! So all I did was help buy Z dinner – who I didn’t even know! I felt put out for a minute but realized a good friend doesn’t care what is done with the gift she gives.

I often feel guilty when it comes to tipping at sit down restaurants but if something rings up wrong I always correct it if I notice it. I guess I should be more assertive when dining out because there are many times when the service doesn’t justify the tips I leave. Thanks for making me conscious of it.

“According to the researchers, consumers feel guilty about their dissatisfaction and try to cover up their white lie by tipping more. The phenomenon is so prevalent, according to the study, that waiters know about it!”

I’m not so sure that people (usually) feel guilty about their dissatisfaction. I forget the exact terminology, but basically once you say something about yourself, you believe it a bit, and will act as though it’s true (i.e. if you say you’re a charitable person, you’re more likely to donate to a cause in the near future). And society also values consistency…if you say it was great, but leave a small tip, then that’s not very consistent behavior. So the waiter knows you may not have liked the food, surprises you with a “was everything good this evening?”, you instinctively say “yes”, and now your future actions must line up with you liking this meal.

Oh, and on the $2; how about being polite and NOT letting the store take advantage of you? Actually had this happen just today (except it was $1). So let’s say the item rings up at the wrong price, there’s a line behind you, you tell the cashier the price is wrong, and he/she says the price is correct. Instead of saying “ok, sure, I’ll pay the extra $2” try saying “um, in that case I don’t want that item anymore, please take it off.” You were polite AND it didn’t cost you $2.

I have a second job in retail (have to pay off those student loans somehow) and we regularly have customers point out when an item rings up higher than the price tag (it normally happens when an item has been marked down as final sale and the computer doesn’t pick up the adjustment). I don’t consider it rude at all for them to mention the mistake. I actually thank them for their patience while I work on correcting the situation. Once or twice I’ve given customers the wrong change (one time the error was less than $1). It is not at all rude of the customer to point out the mistake if it’s done in a respectful way (e.g., “I think you still owe me 25 cents” compared to “you’re an idiot, how dare you not give me my 25 cents!”)

Not all of us live in Cali, but I know what you’re referring to. Many times, the error isn’t with the cashier, but with the point of sale database that hasn’t been updated simultaneously with the shelf tags (or vice versa).

I also agree that a little tact goes a long way. I think sometimes people take stuff way too personally (on both sides), when it really is all about the situation, not the person.

I’m usually pretty good about asking about anything that rings up incorrectly at checkout. Typically if it’s just a few dollars, the cashier simply has to press an override button and not have to worry about getting a manager.

Tips are a bit trickier because sometimes the quality of the meal doesn’t have anything to do with your server. If I have to send my meal back and have them redo it because they charred by steak, it technically isn’t the server’s fault. Sure, I shouldn’t say everything was “great”, but should I reduce the server’s tip because of the cook? Just something to think about…

Thank you for this! I’m a generous tipper if the server is good. If a mistake is the fault of the kitchen, bar, etc. I tell a manager, but I don’t change the tip. If the issue is with the server, I do reduce my tip, but I also still tell the manager. My biggest pet peeve was not being tipped and not knowing why. Was it something I could have done better? Or were my guests just stingy?

I believe that nowadays, in most restaurants, all tips are “pooled” and shared with the kitchen staff. Restaurants are realizing that it’s unfair to exclude them from tips when they’re such a key factor in contributing to the customer’s enjoyment of the meal.

I worked in multiple restraunts over the last 14 years as a waitress and I have never had to pool tips. In my experience that is a common myth that is around. The waitress’s are paid around $2.75 an hour plus tips while the kitchen staff and cooks make at least $8 but many make more.

Agreed. When I was a server (just over a year ago), we didn’t tip share at all. The bussers and hostesses made $8/hr and the chefs made at least $12/hr, depending on position and experience. Servers made $2.75/hr, which basically all goes to taxes, so tips are all you really see.

Great article and thought provoking. I make similar decisions all the time and I’ve been thinking about these more lately and how I’m not happy when I make them, especially when it comes to friend outings. At the same time, this concept can be even more complex in the context of a developing country. What’s 50 cents or $1 to me when my taxi driver only makes $13/day? Or the opportunity cost of not taking small amounts of change because it takes too long for the cashier to write the receipt out on paper and then go to the supervisor to get the change? I guess the same argument can be made in the United States though, too.

You can add to this list: attending a home party (you know, candle sales, clothing “trunk shows,” jewelry parties, etc.). I go for the camaraderie but always wind up buying something that I know, (a) I don’t need and (b) I could find for a lot less if indeed I really needed it. I’ve decided to just say no to home parties!

Same here. I decided many years ago to just not go – ever. When I used to work in an office (I work from home now), I just would just say “Oh, I’ll look at the catalog, but I gave those kind of parties up awhile back!”. That way it never seemed like it was that particular party or host, but just that I’d made a rule for myself.

I made 1 exception a few years ago. A very good friend was hosting and even she knew my rule, but wanted me to come just to visit (and see some old co-workers). And darn if I didn’t end up buying something anyway!

yes, I am sucked into one of these for a bachelorette party. I don’t understand why the other girls want it but they want something *racy* I guess so now I have to pitch in to by the pure romance stuff when I had already bought the bride some nice lingerie.

Me too :) I used to go for the company, but then realized my friends were better at selling than the salesperson! (“I have one of these and I love it!”) I felt like a downer saying no, but I did it anyway.

Most of this stuff is available online anyway. If I desperately need a piece of tupperware (doubtful) I know where to find it!

So you paid for your friends happy hour bill becuase you dragged her out, but paid your own bill when a friend dragged you out to brunch? I’d like to see the gender breakdown on that study, because personally, I always say something and Im a dude. You don’t have to be a jerk when you say something about being overcharged, but it is important to say something. There are scams out there where retail retail clerks will overcharge everyone by a buck or two, and over the day, that adds up to a lot of money that they can pocket. And that’s your money.

We don’t want to be perceived as stingy, or rude, or cheap. I can also agree it’s fear of public confrontation, it’s easier to say it’s fine and move on. Saying it’s not fine involves people coming over to “make it right” and the issue gets dissected while everyone around watches. So it really depends on how important it is to you to stick to it.
Additionally there is a fear of retribution. If I send something back to the kitchen, will they spit in my next dish because I’m causing them grief? Will they label me the pain in the butt customer and talk about me for days and not treat me reasonably next time I show up?
People vote with their feet. I walk in and get treated badly, or get shoddy items passed off as gold, I don’t come back. I may not raise a huge fuss, but I don’t come back and often neither does my family. Companies say they understand this, but the people working for them typically don’t.
In the end you have to decide how much it’s worth to you. If you would point out a clerk giving you $2 more than they were supposed to, why wouldn’t you call them on charging you $2 more than they should have? You can point both out politely, and if the clerk is rude, or acts exasperated, that isn’t your problem, it’s theirs.

My husband is in the middle of a career change and has started at the “bottom” of his new industry so we are for the next year or 2 – “voluntarily poor,” as I like to put it. We have had to turn down an array of social invitations this year since we are literally scraping by, but I find the ones that I say yes to – I do so to be polite and then I have regrets about them later. Why does it have to be so darned expensive to keep friends? Remember the day that hanging out in someone’s backyard was considered a fun afternoon?

when your friends have lifestyle creep, you get towed along behind. It’s really hard to resist.

One of the BEST things about my mom being so cheap is we can invite each other to restaurants safe in the knowledge that if either of us chose one above about a $12/person cost, it would be so odd we’d definitely say something ahead of time.

Great article! I have been in similar situations. I never mind correcting cashiers if something rings up wrong, but I almost always tip well- even if I get terrible service. I used to be a waitress at one time and I try to tip more to make up for the people that don’t tip at all!

This is exactly why I despise tipping! Some people are just socially inept, or cheap, or rude. I really feel it’s the businesses job to make sure their employees are doing a good job, not the customers.

I would love to abolish all tipping and just have people paid a regular wage, have the cost of the service worked into the meal, and have supervisors monitor employees’ performance so that great servers don’t get under tipped and poor servers are not over compensated.

Don’t get me started on the tip jar EVERYWHERE… not sure why tipping irks me the way it does but when your job is to pour a cup of coffee and hand it over a counter, how is that a tip service? Sorry I digress…

They do that in Australia. I knew a guy who was a waiter there while traveling and earned $15/hour. Food is priced accordingly. I think that’s about twice what a wait person would earn per hour in Ontario. (Min. wage is about $10, but wait staff are paid less because they get tips.)

I despise tipping as well! Don’t even get me started on bartenders, baristas, etc. that spend about 30 sec helping you! In Oregon servers make minimum wage (not lower as in some states), so it’s not like they’re making less than everyone else by not receiving tips. There are a lot of jobs that make minimum wage and most of those don’t make tips. If you’re going to take a job that doesn’t have education or specific skill requirements, then you shouldn’t expect to make too much more. Now whether minimum wage is a livable wage is a whole different argument…But in summary, I think a tip should be something extra that you give for someone going out of their way/doing something unusual to give you excellent service. I don’t think it should expected. A server taking your order, filling your water and bringing you your food is not going out of their way. That’s their job. Yet after my little rant on tipping, I still tip about 15-20% to be polite….

I must disagree with you on the ‘working the service charges into the bill’. This actually happens in quite a few countries here in Europe and it doesn’t work out.

Like the time in London I got a 10% ‘service charge’ to my bill for tips. The service was in fact lousy and the food only so-so.

Or the time in Prague, when I also received a ‘service charge’ to my bill (hand-written on a printed bill, like they were afraid I wasn’t going to give anything). It was a 10% charge when the food and service was SO good I would have happily given 25%. But the whole ‘handwritten charges on a printed bill’ turned me off so bad that I paid the 10% and left it at that.

I don’t disagree with you that tipping doesn’t make a lot of sense. It seems like restaurants should pay their employees to me….but I remember when I was a waitress at one time. I think I made something like $2.15 per hour and my whole income was made up of tips that people gave me. If someone didn’t tip me, I didn’t get paid off of that table- period. I think that if you don’t have money to tip a waitress, then you shouldn’t go out to eat.

Funny story about tipping…I go to a weekly contest at a local restaurant, but never order dinner, just drinks. I got into a stupid argument with another group, who then decided to boycott the weekly contest. This was a group of 8 and they ordered dinner each week.

The following week, I apologized to the manager for causing him to lose dinner customers. He said, “(Screw) them. You did me a favor. They were awful tippers and were picky. You freed up the table for me.” I drank for free that night.

I used to be a server at Outback Steakhouse 12 years or so ago. We had regulars that would come in and sit in the same section for hours on Sunday and never tip anything. They were very nice, but it didn’t make up for the fact that whoever got stuck with their section made very little that day. It sucked.

Well if it was a group of 8, wouldn’t there be an automatic 20% gratuity added to the bill anyway?

This happened a lot when I worked at a crappy chain restaurant back in the ’90s. They didn’t have the automatic 20% gratuity policy on large parties. It was not uncommon for a party of 10 to leave two quarters on the table after spending 2.5 hours at the restaurant. Thankfully things have changed a lot over the years…

Unfortunately they didn’t add 20% or anything to the bill at that time. It was a long time ago though, so I’m sure things have changed! I am very glad that my income is no longer dependant on other people’s generosity!

Restaurants actually do ensure that their waitstaff is paid at least minimum wage — if at the end of the pay period, the server did not earn enough in tips to get there, then the employer pays the minimum wage differential to the server to get it up there.

Rosa, it’s true in every state and applies for every employer who is covered by the federal Fair Labor Standards Act. You are correct that many states have their own laws, too, but the employee is entitled to the better of the protections as between the federal and state law. http://www.dol.gov/whd/minwage/q-a.htm

I always tip high too – just to make up for the people you know didn’t tip the waitress appropriately. I’ve never been a waitress, but most of them work their tails off and I just cringe at the thought of them not being properly tipped

Especially this part resonates with me:
You probably know this situation. Youâ€™re unhappy with your restaurant meal or service, the waiter comes by and asks, â€œHow was everything?â€ And even though everything was subpar, you respond: â€œIt was great.â€

I was talking about this with a friend just a few days ago. I have never dared to say anything bad, I just don’t go there again if I have a bad experience. However, that doesn’t help anybody. The restaurant / store doesn’t know there was a problem and thus can’t fix it to avoid losing clients. I’m unhappy and have one restaurant / store less to go to. Made me realize that I really do need to speak up if something isn’t right, for everybody’s sake.

Re: Overtipping at “bad” places. I think in part it’s feeling bad for the server that he / she is working at such a bad place. I think it’s pity, and the assumption that he / she is probably undertipped because no one enjoys the food.

I think Jen hit a key point about going to restaurants. If something is bad and you say something, the restaurant can fix the problem and avoid the situation with future customers. If something is bad and you don’t say anything, the restaurant won’t know and will continue to do the same thing. In a way, by not saying something, you’re costing the restaurant money – unhappy customers are less likely to come back.

There’s a way to comment on poor service/food at a restaurant and do it politely. I’ve done this multiple times, and frequently a manager comes out and says thank you for the feedback.

Try always checking your bill. For reason of being ‘polite’ my husband used to never check a bill or receipt. But I do it all the time. And I find that just as often the bill is wrong because the waiter DIDN’T ring up a round of drinks (or once, an entire meal, good for nearly half of the bill!).

If you make it your policy to correct somebody when they make a mistake that is actually in your favor, I’m thinking you might feel less bad about yourself when you correct them on a mistake that is to your disadvantage.

I’ve shown my husband this, and now he always checks receipts, speaking up when he is either advantaged or disadvantaged.

And if you are friendly and polite, you’ll find that often whoever made the mistake, will be happy to correct it for you.

I have this problem at moments but most of the time I think I do a pretty good job with being honest with people. I am not afraid to ask for change…heck, my hair cut costs $14 and I pay with a $20. I’m always sure to ask for my $2 back. :)

I used to be very quiet when it came to things like this, but I have since changed. For example, recently, I shopped at a new chain grocery that opened in my shopping area. I purchased 3 loaves of bread with my order, and although the date was fresh and the bread appeared fresh, it fell apart when I tried to make a sandwich with it. Also, I felt that shopping the store was confusing as far as product placement, with even the employee’s not knowing where some items were. I sent a polite email describing my issue. To my surprise, the district manager called me and talked to me about my shopping trip and bread. She told me that she welcomed complaints along with compliments because she can not resolve an issue if she doesn’t know the issue exists. She also told me that for every comment she receives, she wonders how many other shoppers had the same issue and never said anything. A few days later, I received a hand written Thank You note along with a $25 gift card in the mail!

The point of my story is that many times retailers welcome constructive customer input to improve their product or service…not everyone thinks, “Oh…what are they complaining about now?”.

While I agree with the sentiment here, what about all the times you are the beneficiary of someone else’s politeness tax. Has your friend ever bought you drinks after a tough day? Has a clerk ever accidentally scanned a coupon or given you a greater discount than the one you were really entitled to? If you think you are far more polite than the rest of the world, then yes, track this. But I think you’re severely overestimating the costs and not counting any of the benefit you get from others’ politeness.

There’s a difference between being polite and being a pushover – and I’m all for avoiding pushover costs (I would say the tip for the pizza guy qualifies here) – but if we all surrender a small tariff to one another in the name of a happier planet and it mostly nets out? I’m kindof okay with that within reason.

I agree! But like I said, true politeness should come out of something positive, and in the examples I provided, I think it was less about being polite and more about being a pushover. So perhaps I should’ve titled this “The Pushover Tax”!

Yes–I’m all for a little give and take in the world. But when a clerk undercharges me, I usually say something. So why not say something when they overcharge me, too?

Paying for my friend’s drinks was admittedly my weakest example, because while I did do it out of guilt, I also felt good taking her out.

Regarding “paying for a friend’s troubles”, there’s a point to all of this, but don’t lose sight of the fact that relationships are investments over a long-term. Start neglecting them because they seem “too expensive”and you will find one day the relationship has died of neglect.

If spending ten bucks treating a friend in a tough spot is burdensome, I’d question how committed to this friend you are yourself.

I have a tendency to pick up the bill or check when we are with friends, or to contribute more than our share to a group bill. Why, because I hate being out with people who don’t put enough in, so I always put a little more.

And, I like to treat people to drinks now and again, it just makes their day. I don’t do it often but once in a while is great.

But, when it comes to errors on a bill or tipping appropriately for sub-par service, I have no problem doing so. I always point out errors, in fact last week we had to point out the fact that the waiter hadn’t captured everyone’s lunch, meaning he would have shorted himself.

Maybe, Megan, but I think we’ve all been out with people at one time or another who look at the bill and think, “Hm, my entree was $19.99,” forget the soda/tax/tip, and throw in a $20, or some similar variation. I’ve had one friend literally say, “Mine is only x,” and so I owe “x + y,” where they ignore tax/tip intentionally. And then like Kristin, rather than point out, “I think you may have forgetten tax and tip,” out of my self-imposed restraint, I just made up the difference :-(

Funny – when out with my friends, we *always* have too much once we’ve pooled what we owe. Often, far too much!

Then, even when I know I’ve put too much in, I resist saying anything because I don’t want to look pushy or cheap/greedy. Usually the more assertive gals walk away with the less assertive gals’ change.

I actually stopped going out with a certain group of friends, because one in particular always skipped out early and never left enough to cover her share. It was very frustrating and not worth it.

We are actually not friends anymore, mainly because she did lots of things like this. She was the worst kind of cheapskate – very cheap with others but generous with herself. I hate that.

One time she had a “packing party” to help her move. It was terrible. Not only did she have us all come over and pack her house for her, she also managed to get us to bring the boxes and materials AND the food for lunch. After an hour, I realized I’d been bamboozled and left.

Wonderful article! I have a lot of trouble with this fear-based spending as well! Fixing the problem requires us to come out of our comfort zone and act in new uncomfortable ways. In time our comfort zone will expand to include speaking up or saying no when we are in those situations where it is easier to pay the money or keep our mouths shut. I am looking forward to this. Thank you!

This politeness tax (love the moniker) can be used against you quite consciously. I used to use a local gas station regularly. The attendant (here in NJ we can’t pump our own!) pumped to an amount such as 9.75. Naturally I handed him a $10. He rummaged around in his pockets but said he would need to go back in to get the .25. Of course I said forget it (what’s one quarter?). But then it happened the next time and I realized it was a conscious deception. I looked him straight in the eye and said, well you better go get some quarters then, right, or I will be speaking to the owner. He did. But, I drive away thinking, how much was he pocketing during the course of the day?? Same thing with the pizza delivery kids lately as well. Sorry, left all of my change in the car. Oh, well, the exercise is good for you…I really don’t believe that there is any politeness in tipping or honoring sub-par service. Real different when your regular service person is clearly just having a bad day, and I always give people the benefit of the doubt, but the not having change thing is a scam. Don’t fall for it.

I have no idea what gas station attendants make, but I have a college kid that briefly delivered pizzas. That has to be one of the worst jobs imaginable. They don’t make min wage, they don’t have any adjustments for gas price fluctuations, and they barely make enough in tips to cover gas. I agree that trying to dupe your customers by not having change is a bad idea, but I also realized how little these people make and have adjusted our tips up (even though our kid no longer works as a delivery driver).

A while ago the pizza guy didn’t have any change and I was not going to give him $20 tip. I promised him I would get him next time and I did. He was beyond thankful, but I told him he really should carry change.

Perhaps it’s nitpicky of me, but spending out of an excess of politeness is a self-imposed penalty, not a tax. I’m not a fan of the English convention/secondary meaning of conflating taxes with penalties; they are not (necessarily) one and the same. Just as someone who spends beyond their means is not being taxed for it (in the governmental sense), not exercising sufficient control over your own spending habits is not a tax.

Kristin, this is a great article. I think you hit the nail on the head when you identified the negative experience from childhood of your mom nitpicking over pennies, and that your desire to be polite to people you hardly know is fear-based. Personal finance is so much about mindset.

I would have trouble speaking up if I were demanding about it, because then I know I’m the pain-in-the-butt customer these employees have to deal with for minimum wage. But I do my best to be polite: I always say something like, “Excuse me, but I may have misunderstood something – I was under the impression the price was X, not X+Y.” That is usually enough for the employee to volunteer to check. If it’s not, then I continue with, “Would you be so kind as to check the price again for me? I really appreciate it.” Regardless of their attitude or the outcome, I always thank them at the end of the transaction. I haven’t had a problem when I do this.

Regarding friends, if I’m broke, I’d usually do something as outlined in Tim’s earlier article, like admitting I’m broke and suggesting something free or at least lots cheaper (going out for a coffee instead of dinner). I go on the principle that s/he who suggests the outing is responsible for paying his/her own way, so if a friend suggests an outing and then gives me a sob story why they’re broke, I listen sympathetically, suggest some PF material, and pay for just my own meal. I’ll only pay for them if it’s extenuating circumstances. I still have friends and they still speak to me, so I guess it works. :)

For waitstaff, I figure they bust their chops at work a lot harder than I do (not that I don’t, just that what I do isn’t physical labor for customers who can be rude and condescending). I always tip 20% if the service is decent, 25% if it was really outstanding in some way, and 12%-15% if the service was mediocre (and the waitstaff wasn’t obviously on their first day). The only cardinal sin a waiter/waitress can make with me is to be rude to me (I once tipped $0.01 on a $19.99 bill because the waiter yelled at me, when I politely asked for silverware, without having asked for anything else up to that point, that he’d get to me when he was good and ready to and I’d wait for it). I have no problem sending a dish back, but as above, always politely, since it’s usually not the waitstaff’s fault that the cook didn’t make it well.

The lesson I learned from my mom wasn’t to argue about prices. It was that she who gets embarrassed easily in public is at a great disadvantage when dealing with she who doesn’t. :)

It’s funny – while I have no problem asking for a double-check if I think I’m overcharged, I find it nearly impossible to ask for a discount or otherwise negotiate. I always feel like I’m doing something mean or wrong. I guess I feel like the stated price is the stated price, so that’s what I pay – even at a flea market or garage sale! This is where I pay the politeness tax.

I think the key to successfully learning to ask for discounts & to negotiate pricing is sheer practice & willpower. At first, it can be very nerve-wracking to go to a manager & ask if you can get a better deal, but what’s the worst that can happen? They say, “no” and then you’re no worse off than you were before!

I once was at a major mid-scale department store buying shoes, and found a pair I fell in love with that fit perfectly. The only issue was that they were the “floor sample” model, and had a small nick in the heel. The sales clerk went in the back to see if they had another pair my size that had not been worn, but they were out. I asked if I could get a discount on the pair that I had, and the manager said “yes, absolutely” without hesitation. That day, I walked out with a $49.99 pair of shoes for $24.99. Score!!

Another time, we were buying a recliner, and I casually asked the sales person if we could get a discount if we bought two (buying two was our idea, not theirs…). She went back to ask her manager, who offered us a discount on the second recliner. If I hadn’t asked that simple yes/no question, we would have paid full price for both recliners!

As Lee’s mama always says “you need to use some honey honey”. It’s all about the approach. Most store clerks don’t really mind you pointing out an error or asking for a discount… just please please please do it nicely.

I definitely agree here. I recently faced my fear for the first time, and sent back food ! Although I think I wouldn’t have if it had just been not good, but it had a hair in it so I felt that I had to because I could not bring myself to eat any more of it after I saw the hair.

I am not afraid to ask at the store when I think a price is wrong, but it took me years to build up to doing that without getting awkward or embarassed.

Tipping has gone above and beyond in the US.I even find myself tipping in countries that don’t expect it out of force of habit. So I’ve slowly changed my mind about tipping money I don’t have. In the US I tend to stay away from sit down restaurants and just get take away to avoid the tipping.

I have also backed away from friends who seem to expect me to pay if I suggest a restaurant or bar. They just belly up the the bar and expect I will pay. I point out to them that I don’t have much money and cannot buy their food for them.I offer to share my food but point out that I’m on a limited budget and cannot buy theirs as well as mine. I have lost a few friends that way but I figure they were really not my friends to begin with.

Will someone enlighten me on tipping? Because when I was younger I remember 15-18% was standard, and then it changed to 20%, which is what I pay now. But recently, a friend told me the new percentage is 25% because of inflation. But this doesn’t make sense to me, because tipping is percentage based–as inflation rises, so does the tipping amount. So shouldn’t the percentage stay the same?

In NYC they actually print the tip categories on the bottom of the bill, calculate out how much 15%, 20%, 25% is and list what qualifies for what tip. Perhaps this is because of the high volume of tourists? Or they are just assuming people are bad at math and laying it out is better than hoping for more than $2 on a $50 meal?? It’s helpful and kind of rude at the same time.

I still adhere to 15-20%…usually I start around 17 to 18% and if it wasn’t good service, I tip down to 15% and if it was great service, I tip up to 20%.

Maybe that’s “too low” today, but I think it’s appropriate still and many times, the service is the same when I come back, regardless of if I didn’t tip “25%” of the bill. Many servers recognize that it’s better to have a repeat customer rather than a higher tip once.

Same here, I think 20% is pretty standard for good service. I just don’t understand the idea of the percentage being raised over the years due to “inflation.” That seems silly to me. Unless restaurants are paying their servers even less nowadays?

I wouldn’t feel bad about giving a good tip to a pizza delivery driver. It’s a terrible, thankless job that pays peanuts. The only bright spot in the day is when you receive a nice tip like that (I still remember my $20 tips years later).

I just posted something similar above. My kid did it and I thought it was the worst job you could have (and hated the thought of what kind of miles were being put on our cars as compared to how little he made). We tip a LOT more now if we order pizza.

I absolutely fall prey to this one – and have been much more vigilant about my bills, and about whether or not I got overcharged once I started getting my financial house in order. If the $2 matters enough to not buy my morning starbucks – then it really matters when I’m not getting anything in return! I remember having a moving team basically force me to give them a tip because they didn’t ‘make change’. Boy was I ticked. It was only $10 on $90, and they did a really good job – I just felt like I got played which made me uncomfortable. With the pizza delivery guy – I don’t think I would ever leave a 100% tip – although I like being the house that they make sure they get to first – not last.

That was a great movie. I’m the same way, for a while we had some debt from our investment property on my husband’s Home Depot credit card. The debt was on a 0% promotion, but for some reason they were charging us a $2 fee every month. I never did figure out why, but I would call every month and it was a hassle because it wasn’t in my name and they would have to get the okay from my husband before I could go into my speech about the fee.

My husband wanted to give me the $2 to avoid the issue, but really its more about he game than the $2. They had no “right” to charge me a fee since I was playing by the 0% rules so I was going to call them on it. I wonder how much they collect in those $2 fees from everyone else.

The problem is not the politeness it the situations you put your self in. If you are trying to save money why don’t you just pick up the pizza I never get dilivery because I hate tipping drivers. Bed bath and beyond is so over priced did you even get one of there 20% off coupons they allways have out? That’s because everything is marked up at least 20%. Taking your friend out has nothing to do with being non confrontational, and most of the time my friend pays for me next time. Im one of those people who is confrontational regardless of how much I am being overcharged and I can afford to let some things go. I have to work on the opposite and not hold up 5 people or waist 20 mins for a Dollor or two.

I DEFINITELY have this problem. I loan friends money but don’t pester them to pay me back. I usually don’t even mention it unless they bring it up. I like to think of myself as being “nice” or “a good friend”, but the truth is, I can’t afford to give out money like it’s candy. I don’t even pay attention when the sales clerk is ringing up my purchase so that I can get away without noticing faulty charges. I tip way more than I should, though that’s mainly because I’m too lazy to do the math. Thanks for this article. I definitely need to work on this!

“If you were too busy or lazy to go get your own food, and if you profess to be a frugal person and you didnâ€™t have anything smaller than a $20 on you, you were in the wrong, not your pizza guy.”

So…what? OK, maybe she should have planned a bit in advance before ordering, but it happens to the best of us when we place an order and THEN realize we only have $20. That’s life.

And why can’t Kristin get the occasional pizza delivered? I work at home and get caught up in projects. For me, having the occasional meal delivered – which means I don’t have to take time away from my work to actually prepare food, then clean up – is money well-spent.

Wow! I really didn’t know I was “assertive” until now. If something rings up wrong, I always correct them. If a meal tastes bad, undercooked, oversalted, etc., I tell them flat out.

Maybe I’m “super rude”? If I go into a restaurant, get seated, and don’t get served for 20 minutes, I just get up and walk out. If I’m in one of those supermarket checkout lines that’s taking forever through incompetence, I’ll just leave my cart where it is and walk out of the store. Life’s too short to simmer about things. I’ve found it’s just better for me to walk away. …And it sort of makes me feel happy and empowered when I do.

I have occasionally overtipped–especially the beer delivery guy. I’ve said “Aw, keep it!,” when I knew it was too much and sort of realized what I’d done later.

As for the friend thing, that’s a different story. You did well to buy your friend a drink. And yeah, occasionally you have to hang out with a crew and spend some cash even if you’re not really up for it.

I agree with most of this. I figure that it’s my money and time and thus if I’m not enjoying how that is being spent, I have an obligation to myself to fix it.

I love hearing that you have also walked out of a place, I used to feel that should never be done (especially once water was delivered) but recently we were in a hurry and sat down, and waited at least 15 minutes, could SEE the waitress chatting, and couldn’t get service. So we left. I felt bad for a minute, but really, it was their loss, not mine.

I disagree with the friend comment, you shouldn’t have to pay to have hangout time. If you do want to, invite them over, don’t go out.

Good article. My husband used to be embarrassed when I would call attention to those expensive mistakes or complain when something was wrong–until he started seeing that we would occasionally get a complimentary dessert or on one occasion a free hotel weekend. It sometimes pays to be the squeaky wheel and no one cares about your money as much as you do! Several times I’ve caught cashiers charging me for two of an item by simply double scanning it by mistake. It takes a little longer, but being observant and dilligent can save you money.

This describes me to a T. Reading this was therapy. I felt like I was reading my autobiography. You are so right. Politeness should be motivated by kindness not fear or guilt and people pleasing is not healthy.

I used to have a problem with this–mostly because I don’t like to rock the boat, or, I was in a hurry and figured the cost/benefit wasn’t worth it.

The one exception for me would be the tip. I am a heavy tipper anyway, and would probably have done the same thing for the pizza delivery guy. You most likely made his DAY with that tip. Look at it as paying it forward for someone who is probably earning very little.

Jake was really uncomfortable Friday because we left a 15% tip instead of 20%, but he agreed with me that it was ridiculous that I wanted FORTY MINUTES for a BOWL OF SOUP. We were at a table of 8 and EVERYONE got served before me, people who were getting burgers and things that actually needed to be cooked/assembled. I was a server for years and have never seen a place that cooked soup to order.

I was actually surprised she charged us for it, especially since she admitted the first 20 minutes of the delay was that she forgot to ring it in. However, getting it comped at that point would have added probably another 20-30 minutes to the experience and we were leaving because I felt ill, so we just reduced the tip and left it at that.

“Jake was really uncomfortable Friday because we left a 15% tip instead of 20%, but he agreed with me that it was ridiculous that I wanted FORTY MINUTES for a BOWL OF SOUP. We were at a table of 8 and EVERYONE got served before me, people who were getting burgers and things that actually needed to be cooked/assembled. I was a server for years and have never seen a place that cooked soup to order.”

Why would you leave 15%? I would have left 10%-12% depending on if I got an apology or not. If I didn’t 10% at the most, if I did get an apology 12%. If I would have gotten a comp out of it as well as an apology, 14%, just under 15% to show I am not satisfied.

“I was actually surprised she charged us for it, especially since she admitted the first 20 minutes of the delay was that she forgot to ring it in.”

If she would have charged me for it, 8% and a complaint to the manager when I got home over the phone. WHY 15% for someone to be an uncaring bitch like that, huh? If I were the server, since soups are pretty cheap like $3 a piece at most usually if added to your meal, I would have paid for it out of my own pocket if I would have wanted a good tip if I would have messed up like that. Did she even say she was SORRY, even?

She apologized profusely, she was VERY young, and this place just opened and got WAY more popular than expected very quickly. She probably had twice as many tables as she should have. One of the people at our table does promotions for this restaurant, and she acknowledged that the management is aware of the problems and working on them, so I’m confident our feedback will make its way up the chain.

One thing I didn’t ask, did she WRITE YOUR ORDERS DOWN? If not, that would be a really good reason why she forgot. If she did write it down, she may not have gone back to read her pad of paper or she may have just missed it/forgot.

I was about to agree with the first response, but now we have a bit more information…I’d probably agree with what you did (though I would have felt comfortable leaving a 10% tip). What I have a big issue with is when you are obviously being ignored. If the waitress was swamped, admitted her mistake, and was genuinely trying…I’d cut her SOME slack. But if she was chatting it up at other tables and giving them superb service while completely ignoring you…THAT’S what really gets me going.

“So the other day, when the sales associate at Bed, Bath & Beyond rang up my item for $2.00 more than it was marked, I didnâ€™t say anything. There was no one behind me in line; he wasnâ€™t terribly intimidating. I just didnâ€™t say anything. I didnâ€™t want to make a big deal out of it; I wanted to be polite. That cost me two dollars.”

So you let the store RIP YOU OFF? ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU ARE A STUPID SHOPPER, STUPID!

When you don’t have any money in the bank to pay your bills, you will think about how your MOTHER WAS RIGHT AND YOU ARE IN THE WRONG AS WELL AS VERY STUPID!!

They weren’t being polite to you, WHY isn’t *YOUR* FEELINGS MEAN ANYTHING? You are a person too!!

I am the mirror image of your mother. I wait for ONE CENT overcharges to get fixed even and return items that I paid more for, then buy them again at the cheaper price.

WHAT A STUPID SHOPPER YOU ARE! I HOPE YOU RUN OUT OF MONEY WITH YOU STUPIDLY LETTING PEOPLE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU WHEN YOU NOTICE THE PROBLEM EVEN, *******YOU DESERVE IT******** IDIOT!!

YOUR MOTHER WAS RIGHT!! If you have cancer one day and you need a lot of money for medical bills, think about it then that all the $2 you let SLIDE into someone else’s pocket that was technically YOURS that NOW YOU SO DESPERATELY NEED to pay your expensive medical bills.

YOU ARE STUPID!! DO NOT LET ONE PERSON TAKE EVEN ONE PENNY MORE OF YOUR MONEY!!

HOW? To pay MORE than what you are supposed to? To give a 100% tip just to not make the person *EARN* it by getting change for the pizza? Are you SERIOUS? WHY create LAZY pizza delivery drivers? I mean if I am going to give 100% tip to a pizza delivery driver, they better **************EARN****************** that 100% tip, not do LESS WORK, seriously you are CRAZY if you think this article is smart.

“As a kid, the worst thing that could happen during a shopping trip with my mom was the sales clerk wrongly ringing up her item. Oh man, the memories still haunt me. We could be late for an appointment, holding up a lineâ€”she didnâ€™t care. She was going to get her twenty cents off those grapes.”

“MY MOM” you said. Your mom was a SMART SHOPPER and SMART with LIFE to get *HER* MONEY BACK as she should.

As I said, you may need that $2 one day, you never know. Each time you give $2 up just not to speak up can cost you maybe even not affording a medical procedure you need done.

Seriously, while we get your point, is it really necessary to use blaming/shaming language to get your point across? Why the harshness? How did Kristin overpaying $2 cause you so much harm?

And I agree, what happened to rude/flaming comments being removed? For all the changes that have happened to GRS, that is the only one I dislike. GRS used to be someplace you could post and while people disagreed with you, you weren’t treated like a pariah. Allowing flames makes GRS a less secure place to be and impacts this online community.

Wow?!?!?!
Kristin was obviously joking with the “Mom?” comment, as if her MOM were the one writing the angry comments, which I personally chuckled at the fact you didn’t even snap to the humor yourself. Speaking of Mom’s….do you feel yours did not show you enough love and therefore must lash out at others around you? How “STUPID” is that? Blame and shame has no merit against this story if you read the whole article, Kristin actually speaks against the Polite Tax, may I suggest you re-read the story or completely read the article before commenting next time….or better yet….keep your blame and shame to yourself as it is obviously not well received here.

As far as if there are people behind you when you have a pricing overcharge, TUFF SHIT! If they want to hurry, they should got to a convenience store or something like that. I had one time, some asshole behind someone that was behind me said he’d give me the penny, I was like “NO, they are going to correct the price in the computer as what they advertised so NO ONE ELSE gets overcharged like I did.” See I thought of others as well this and it was my turn. If they wanted to be before me, they should have came earlier that day.

It’s not *ME* making the line slow. I am not waiting to get out my method of payment how some people do. I have all my coupons, ads, and credit card or cash out *BEFORE* I go in line. If it rings up wrong, that’s not my doing. I am not going to be taken advantaged like that. We all should cherish our money we have, EVERY CENT OF IT. There’s things I could buy with 2 dollars as in your example. WHY should I just GIVE it to the company that is STEALING from me by *FALSELY ADVERTISING, HUH? That’s WRONG of them and wrong of *YOU* to bring it up to prevent *OTHER PEOPLE* from getting this happen to them. You aren’t helping anyone really by not saying anything, especially if no one else is in line.

Lee
“Springs1 – Do you hold up the line and speak out so… um… loudly when the store makes a mistake in your favor? That would be you stealing from them so I would think it would work that way as well.”

NO I don’t and NO it’s not stealing. Nobody has to say anything EITHER WAY, understand? It’s not my job to correct them considering I am not getting paid. The clerk and managers are getting paid so it’s *THEIR* job to get things correct, not ME.

I feel it comes and it goes. Sometimes we overlook things, give too much change, other times, they do it. If we always gave it back, we’d never get back, so it’s only fair as far as I am concerned. It’s not stealing, because it’s not intentionally taking money. It’s the computer price that may be correct and the price on the shelf is wrong, did you ever consider that when there is an undercharge? When it’s an overcharge, the advertised price is the only one they can charge the most on, but if they want to charge less, that’s their prerogative.

When a price has been lower in the computer(doesn’t happen as often as an overcharge), I take it as that the price on the shelf hasn’t been changed. The real price is in the computer when it’s an undercharge.

NOTHING about it is theft. I am not intentionally walking out without paying. I am paying what they charged me. If that’s lower than the advertised price, so be it. That doesn’t make me a thief.

You say “WHY should I just GIVE it to the company that is STEALING from me by *FALSELY ADVERTISING”

Then you say “NO I donâ€™t and NO itâ€™s not stealing. Nobody has to say anything EITHER WAY, understand?”

So which is it? You are saying the company is stealing from you when something rings up wrong but if they make a mistake in your favor its ok to keep the overage and go about your day. Seems a bit hypocritical for someone who is so vocal on the issue of not getting cheated. You, by not handing back the extra quarter or 2 you got in change by accident are in essence stealing from the store owner. Who do you think ends up paying for those mistakes?

“Seems a bit hypocritical for someone who is so vocal on the issue of not getting cheated.”

HOW, when I am not getting *******PAID******** TO LIFT A FINGER TO HELP THEM OUT, BUT, ****THEY*** ARE GETTING PAID TO HELP ME OUT, UNDERSTAND?

“You, by not handing back the extra quarter or 2 you got in change by accident are in essence stealing from the store owner. Who do you think ends up paying for those mistakes?”

Actually, you are 100% WRONG if it’s short, the owner takes it out of your paycheck. That has happened to me at a donut shop/diner I worked for. Now they did have a leeway of 2 dollars, but if you went over that, they’d take EVERY DOLLAR you were short so let’s say you were short $5, they’d take $5, so it was best if my register was short after I counted my register at the end of my shift to put money in it if it was a few cents rather than them take the entire $2 out. For example, if the register was short $1.80, it would have been better for me to put 20 cents than to leave it short only that they may not find the overage on another shift so I’d end up paying $2 instead of 20 cents.

It’s not stealing though. When I had to pay out my register when it was short, that was MY MISTAKE and the people that kept their mouth shut that knew I gave them too much change didn’t steal from me or the company, they had EVERY RIGHT to not say anything because they didn’t get paid, I was getting paid, so *I* was the only person responsible for the money being correct, NOT THEM!!

The leeway was up to them and when they company did pay the leeway amount like if the register was short a dollar for example, it’s not stealing that a customer would keep an extra dollar, because I WILLINGLY GAVE it to the customer. They didn’t owe it back to me or the business. They weren’t getting paid to do that.

I had once $24.96 taken out of my paycheck to the penny short. The manager was a jerk and said if the customers were short to let them slide a nickle or dime, so what I did, I didn’t ring up the items and put the money in the register. I showed him he couldn’t STEAL FROM ME since it’s NOT *MY FAULT* the customers were shorting my register. See, managers are for themselves. He didn’t care about my money. He died in 2006. While I was sad about that, even cried, he was a JERK ASSHOLE at times. He had no right to take my hard-earned money away because a customer was IRRESPONSIBLE OR DIDN’T WANT TO BREAK THEIR $20 bill. Each cent if it was short of the leeway amount was taken out of MY CHECK and that’s not fair when I didn’t make the mistake of them not having the right amount of change. I paid for the mistakes *I* made, but to pay for mistakes that the CUSTOMER made by being irresponsible wasn’t right.

Anyway, my point is, I PAID AT TIMES for my mistakes and I should. My customers should be able to have kept the money if I gave them more. I also kept it when they gave me over as well, so it goes and it comes. Once, a lady at the donut shop got a dozen of hot donuts(they are cooked to order these ones) which she paid for right away and as she was waiting she ordered an apple fritter, which she paid for separately. After I had put it in the bag, the donuts were ready, so I grabbed it, closed the box, and then she had proceeded to give me a $10 bill and a dime. She handed it to me real fast and said “KEEP THE CHANGE.” The first second I didn’t realize it, but then as she walked out the door I was thinking “HOLY COW”, I get to keep $9.02. Most likely she didn’t realize she gave me a $10 bill and only meant to give me 2 cents from the $1.08 purchase of the apple fritter. The thing is, she told me to keep it and it’s not my problem if she is that stupid to not LOOK at WHAT she handed me or get her change. That’s IRRESPONSIBLE of her. I didn’t walk out the door to give her the $9, because she said to “KEEP IT.”

My moral of the story is, IT GOES AND IT COMES. I had people not give it back, but then I got it back other times. If I was always giving it back, I would never get any back and that’s UNFAIR.

She was TOO STUPID to LOOK at what she was doing. She should have gotten the change and then handed me what amount she wanted. Being irresponsible goes BOTH WAYS as the WORKER(when I gave too much) and as the CUSTOMER(when she most likely didn’t mean to give me a $9 tip on a $1.08 purchase).

It goes and it comes. Instead of always telling someone, we should just go with the flow. I wasn’t about to be stupid enough to say “ARE YOU SURE”, NO WAY. I was there to make money. We made tips and that was my tip $9.02 from that lady. If she didn’t mean to give me that much, HOW IS THAT MY ISSUE? I am not her baby-sitter. She told me to keep it, so I did. I got her permission, so it’s not stealing. I don’t feel bad about it one bit, NOT ONE!

OMG, that is indeed a hysterical blog post. I have never in my life witnessed someone so obsessed with condiments!!

There are over 1000 comments on that post that appear to contain more bat-shit crazy rantings, not to mention the other “blogs” this person has written… More proof that the internet is an infinite source of entertainment.

I might tip well on occasion mostly out of politeness and not wanting to ‘be mean’ (i.e. wanting people to like me). I can’t recall the last time I tipped a server under 15% no matter the service. Thats kinda silly really.

Sometimes though I might be financially nice due to laziness. I won’t argue over a minor error at the grocery check out cause I simply don’t want to bother. I’m not worried about upsetting the teller or anyone behind me really. But if its under $1 I might not bother.

Paying for a friends lunch or going out with a friend when you really shouldn’t spend the money seems different to me somehow. Thats kinda part of friendship. Course its not bad to say ‘no’ and you shouldn’t feel a need to pay for their food or anything but if you do thats not just being overly polite in general as there are appropriate times to say yes to an invite or pay for a friends lunch. Sometimes its appropriate to be nice to friends. Sometimes you can be too nice.

I’m so over paying for bad service. I too used to feel guilty over giving someone a “bad” (10%-ish) tip, but I have slowly realized that people have to earn the 20% tip. I know everyone can have an off day, but I cannot justify rewarding someone for doing a poor job.

Also, as someone who has worked in retail, *I* was the one apologizing when I accidentally charged someone extra or made the wrong change. I think it would be incredibly rude of me to be “annoyed” with a customer when it was my mistake!

I’m fortunate enough to have a wonderful job that has remained viable in our current economy. I’m blessed with a generous wage and terrific benefits. My personal “guilt factor” problem is: the majority of my female friends make very low wages due to divorce, poor personal choices, lack of education, helping adult children, etc. So, whenever we do go out, I tend to always be the one who grabs the check. I know it’s out of some kind of misplaced guilt for making a lot more than they do. Does anyone else relate?

Timely comment. My wife and I were out at a restaurant that we liked (we had been there before) using a Groupon. The sucky thing is that Groupon was a special set menu, so the server knows you’re on a discount up front. (Which is fine; if you want to give me crappy service, I’ll happily tip you less.)

The waitress messed up my wife’s appetizer order, but corrected it in a timely manner. That sin was forgivable.

However, before we ordered the appetizer, my wife ordered a glass of wine. The wine wasn’t on the table before the appetizer came, so she canceled the wine ordered. Service between courses was quite slow. Before dessert, she ordered a cup of coffee. Dessert took forever, and coffee wasn’t out until just a couple of minutes before dessert came out. Wife sent the coffee back — she would have actually enjoyed it if she had it during the 15 minutes it took to get dessert out. The waitress even mentioned/apologized for being so slow.

The waitress was never to be found in our dining room unless she was serving our table.

All in all, these three courses took us 2 hours to get through. I ended up tipping 12% on the total bill (pre-tax).

I used to work as a server, and know that servers make their money on volume (high turnover, less than ideal service) or service (low volume, extra good service to the tables you do get.) The best servers can handle both, and get rewarded for it. When I tip, I don’t make apologies for bad service. If I did, it basically rewards servers for bad service, which really takes away from the whole point of tipping in the first place.

I have a different philosophy to live by. I try to do what is right which may mean I disappoint someone. I may tip a little extra for the extra effort, but not as a standard. I do not overpay for things ever.

Briefly: you can be super-polite while you demand your 20 cents or 2 dollars or whatever. Nothing wrong with that.

The other day I stood in line at Wal-Rats to return a defective pill box that was just $1. There was a line at the returns counter but I had nothing better to so I waited and collected my buck.

As I was talking to the returns clerk I said had doubts about returning the thing because it was just a dollar and she said “right…” But then I said it bothered me more to feel like a sucker paying a dollar for broken junk (especially to her mega-million company.. though i didn’t say this).

If you think about it, if you were caught walking out of the store with a dollar item, they’d probably arrest you just to make a point. No need to make a scandal, but get your money.

But anyway, you can ask for your dollar back with good attitude and a smile. The unpleasant part isn’t asking for the money, the unpleasant part is doing it with an angry face, a loud voice, and a persecution complex. You can be totally nice and show understanding, compassion, and a sense of humor while exercising your rights.

—

As for tipping, my rule is 15% for regular anonymous service, 20% for good service that puts a smile on my face, 25% or more for total awesomeness, which is unusual, but it’s happened. Once I gave a bunch of money to this pregnant waitress in a diner where I was a regular.

On the other hand, I’ll also tip an insulting handful of pennies or a solitary dollar to someone who goes out of their way to ruin my evening– it happens once in a blue moon, but it’s happened too, and in those cases I am merciless, like Ming.

Tipping the bartender is just a bribe so you get faster and more generous drinks than the competition.

One last survival tip: never, ever, but ever get into an argument with your waiter, or insult them, or belittle them, especially when they still have to bring your food to the table. If you must strike, do it after you have paid (with cash only). It’s totally obvious why, but some stubborn people still do it. Yes, I know, you had to showed them who’s boss… best luck with your hepatitis!

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damn. i started this comment with the word “briefly…” and now i have 9 paragraphs (plus this). i’m an out-of-control maniac.

All joking aside, if a server deliberately contaminated someone’s food, he or she can be arrested for assault, and the restaurant shut down while health officials investigate (depending on the severity of the incident).

I think sit-coms have done a lot to fill the public’s head with the “don’t get mad, get even” server image.

I was a server (fast food & sit-down restaurant) for years as a teenager, and was never, ever tempted to tamper with anyone’s food – even with the world’s worst, most abusive customers. The thought never crossed my mind, and I believe that the vast majority of servers are in this boat.

Its been done in the real world unfortunately, CincyCat. I have known both victims and perpetrators. Saliva, phlegm, urine – you name it. Thankfully many years have past since I heard of this happening.

Researchers have done studies proving that giving money whether it be tipping the pizza guy 100% or buying a friend a drink (not the bed bath and beyond thing) actually makes you happier. I do believe in saving money and being well off financially but really, what is money when you’re happy?

I just did this at the farmers market this weekend. The bread guy added up my total in my head, which didn’t sound right to me. After I had paid it, I checked my calculator and noticed that he charged me an extra 25 cents. I even went back there to tell him that (in a nice way of course) but when he offered to give me the difference, I brushed it off as if it was okay. I think I didn’t want to seem like that kind of person who calculates every last penny, even though I really am that person and probably shouldn’t feel bad about it.

As far as bad service at a restaurant, I’m actually the opposite of that study, where I might say it’s okay, but then not tip as much.

Great stuff, and interesting to think about. I think I’ve been a part of this as well, in terms of giving more when dissatisfied yet saying things were good. Maybe it’s conflict-avoidance?

As I get older, I think my critical thinking is improving, and I’m able to catch myself better in such situations. At least in terms of being more straightforward about expressing dissatisfaction for food or service if truly bad.

Tips, to me, are like report cards. At the start, everyone starts with an A (20%) – it’s up to your performance to determine your final grade.

I will tell my server everything is okay or well(by my own definition), but it will reflect on the tip line. I don’t mess with people that handle my food. Occassionally, I’ll write a note on the receipt expressing my thoughts on the service – bullet points work nicely when pointing out flaws in the service. It’s then up to the server to decide if their behavior will change.

Very rarely do I confront the staff or manager unless it’s something that absolutely needs attention for the benefit of their business. I’ll tell a manager if the service is outstanding so that the server may get their kudos. It’s not right only to point out the negatives.

I’ll go back if the establishment is consistent with good service and food, but play the 3-strikes rule and walk away once I’ve deemed the establishment as ‘not worth it’.

This post and many of the comments made me wonder if I had clicked into the Get Poor Slowly blog by accident. Tipping the pizza guy $10 was only one mistake. Buying a $10 pizza for lunch was probably the first. At least one reader suggested there’s nothing wrong with this treat, but that’s the problem: Is it a treat or a regular expense? I’d like to know.

There seems to be way to much eating out going on in these comments for anyone who really wants to get rich slowly. Or maybe these are all exceptions to normal spending.

In terms of eating out, I know most here at GRS budget for it. My eating out budget is small. Sure, I could cut that completely out and have a time or two in the past.

On a personal note, it was much easier to live on the cheap while in a relationship – I had a partner and companionship. I find that its much harder while single. Most people want to do stuff that cost even a little bit of money and cutting that out = cutting out friends. Who wants to spend time jammed up in my small apartment all the time? I know I don’t, and living super cheaply does mean spending a lot of time at home.

And that’s a very fair take. I haven’t been single for many many years, but I can remember what it was like. So yes, easy for me to say now that the pressure is off.

At the same time, I wish I had places like MMM and GRS to visit back in those good old days. I think it would have led me to be more budget-minded … and maybe retired by now.

I’ll add that if you check out MMM a little further, you’ll see he offers all kinds of suggestions on free (or cheaper) ways to enjoy yourself, though, again, this is coming from a settled man. Nature, Settlers of Catan, things like that.

I’ve never commented here before, but I knew I had to when I read this article. Love it!

I do the overtipping thing all the time (former waitress), and I used to carry the load for far too many “friends” who were really just freeloading (although I will still happily split bills or trade dinner dates with my true friends).

Still, my biggest “fear-based” money drain comes from not being comfortable negotiating. Overcoming this is definitely a work in progress, but here’s an example from just the other day that encouraged me to keep at it.

I have a ridiculous cable/internet bill because there’s essentially a monopoly where I live. Although there are a couple of companies that offer TV/internet here, only one really provides the internet speed that I need to allow me to work from home, and paying for the internet alone is almost as pricey as paying for the combo.

Last month, the company bumped my price per month to an outrageous $160+. This was an increase of over $30/month from the former bill, which was already gallingly high to me and which I knew I had to address. So I dithered for a bit, trying to psych myself up for a call I didn’t want to make, then I called the cable company to ask for a discount.

Long story short, it was the best twenty minutes I’ve spent in a good long while.

The extremely courteous and helpful woman I spoke to not only dropped my bill back down to a price comfortably below what I’d been paying last year, she also noticed that the company had been erroneously billing me for a service that they themselves had disconnected … almost THREE YEARS ago. [*Note, it was a line item on the bill that was comprehensible when she explained it to me, but which I never would have noticed otherwise, explaining why I’d never caught it before.]

The company normally doesn’t allow bills to be disputed more than 60 days after they’ve come due, but this was clearly their error and they were pretty ashamed. They credited me back ~$325 without any argument at all; my only task was to hang on the phone while they sorted it out.

And, to top it all off, the woman on the other line couldn’t have been friendlier or more apologetic. We had a lovely chat while they cleared up my account.

Had I been too “polite” (“afraid”) to call and negotiate with them, I would have cheated myself out of the hundreds I was already owed and the hundreds I’ll be saving going forward!

Can I just say, Kristin, what a great post! I was sharing your emotions as I read it and itâ€™s so honest too. I havenâ€™t read the other comments but you are brave because Iâ€™m sure 30% of them at least are saying, you fool!

But in truth, I was just the same as you were once. I was easy meat really and sometimes vultures can smell meat from miles away. I had so many bad experiences I turned, and I mean really turned. After lending money for about the 100th time over my lifetime, and not getting it back, I suddenly felt a hurt that turned me into someone now that I would go as far as to call mean.

But the level you are talking is voluntarily being nice, and I did the same but it ended up on people using my good nature. After a friend whom I literally took in from the streets as they was kicked out (I know why now), I supported her, housed her, gave her rent-free space, which was meant to be for a few weeks, and ended up over a year and then told me if I can lend her $1000, she can get a place and starts a job the following week. Naturally, I was delighted lent the $1000, and I never saw her again after that. There was no job; there was no new place. She is doing the same somewhere else. Kind of changes you.

I think inviting friends for drinks, or spending some small money on them should be normal in any good friendship. I fully understand you paying $10 for your friend for her having a rough time. Me and my friends do this all the time.

What makes a good friendship, however, is a give and take mentality. I love spending some drinks on my closest friends, because I know they will return the favor. I also used to know some people who would never pay back. I think that is the real pitfall to watch out for, and I stopped seeing them.

I see the problem here, you have no idea what the definition of polite is.

You’re not being polite, in fact you’re being the exact opposite. It’s rude to offer to pay for lunch then complain about it later. You offered, either suck it up or don’t offer.

Being polite has nothing at all to do with money. Being polite is letting your friend know ahead of time that you’re going “Dutch Treat”. Being polite is showing kindness and manners when dealing with other people, not complaining about the money you’re spending on them when they more than likely had no idea that you weren’t prepared to spend it.

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My name is J.D. Roth. I started Get Rich Slowly in 2006 to document my personal journey as I dug out of debt. Then I shared while I learned to save and invest. Twelve years later, I've managed to reach early retirement! I'm here to help you master your money — and your life. No scams. No gimmicks. Just smart money advice to help you get rich slowly. Read more.

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