It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today I want to continue our discussion about hormones, looking at women who are breastfeeding, pregnant, or going through menopause.

We started talking yesterday about hormones and libido–and specifically how libido is affected throughout the menstrual cycle.

But what if you’re not having a menstrual cycle–because you’re in menopause, you’re pregnant, or you’re breastfeeding?

So today, let’s look at how to boost libido and make sex seem like an attractive option, even when your body seems to have turned itself off.

How Arousal Works Physiologically

Arousal = Hormones + Blood Flow

Obviously there’s a lot more to it than that (there’s also emotional and spiritual intimacy, mood, etc.), but the physiological keys are hormones and blood flow.

Estrogen helps regulate the female cycle, and causes the uterine wall to thicken (which also causes more arousal). Our ovaries also produce testosterone (which builds arousal), and testosterone helps us produce more estrogen. And then there’s progesterone, whose role isn’t entirely clear in arousal (they’re still debating it).

But in general, when hormone levels are high and when we get increased blood flow to the genitals, we tend to have an easier time getting aroused.

So what does that mean for pregnancy?

For some women, the first trimester actually gets them aroused because there’s so much blood flow going to the breasts and genitals. For most of us, though, the extreme fatigue and nausea cancels all of that out! In the second semester many women start to feel their libidos come back–and they often come back with a vengeance! And then in the third tremester things get difficult again just because you’re so big and you’re not getting much sleep.

What about breastfeeding?

breastfeeding, at least in the initial stages if you are breastfeeding without supplements, chances are you won’t ovulate for several months (and sometimes up to 9 months). During those months you won’t get the boost that comes from testosterone–and you get a boost in the prolactin hormone which tends to decrease sex drive. Plus you’re exhausted from lack of sleep.

And menopause?

During menopause you stop producing very much estrogen and testosterone, which decreases libido. Plus your uterine wall becomes much thinner (less blood flow) which also decreases arousal. And lubrication becomes more difficult.

Our Most Important Sex Drive is Our Brain

All that being said–our most important sex drive is indeed our brain. Studies have shown that some women can even “think” themselves to orgasm–without any physical stimualtion at all. So it certainly is possible to “think” oneself to arousal–it can just be very, very difficult when you feel like everything has gone numb from the waist down.

And I don’t think it’s something you just do, out of the blue. You can’t go from 0 to 60 in 5 minutes. But if you make it a habit to try to get in touch with your body more regularly, then it’s can be easier.

Daily Habits to Help Make Arousal More Likely

Stretch

Feel your body! Seriously. Start a stretching routine that you do in the morning and in the evening. Do it with your children (if you have young ones!). Do yoga with babies. The more you actually FEEL your body, even in a non-sexual way, the more it will be easier to get your body engaged.

Massage

Make massage a huge part of your life. Explain to your husband that you want to start feeling more aroused, but you need that time to just relax and concentrate on your body. Take 15 minutes a night, at least, to talk and to have him rub your body. Need to learn how? Check out the Couples Massage video program here.

Baths with Bath Oil

Take a hot bath every night with bath oil that smells luxurious. Have your husband put the kids in bed or read them a story. Make sure you use a romantic smelling bath oil to activate the senses!

Nap

If you can, grab nap during the day, especially if you have young children. Every few weeks, if need be, hire a baby-sitter so you can have a 3-hour long nap one afternoon.

Snuggle

Spend time just snuggling with your husband in the evening. If you have a young baby that doesn’t sleep much, maybe snuggle while you’re holding the baby–and then watch netflix. But physically connect while you talk, watch a movie, or have some downtime.

Eat Well

Seriously. Stay away from too many breads and refined starches, and eat foods with healthy fats that help the body produce estrogen or that help the body with blood flow to the genitals! Some of the best foods: bananas, avocados, almonds, basil, and honey–seriously, try honey. It helps in the production of estrogen. Just put it in your tea instead of sugar.

If you do all that you’ll be paying more attention to your body, which will make it easier for your brain to engage and help your arousal. And you’ll be feeling more energetic and closer to your husband! But there still be more things you need:

Use Some Lubrication!

Sometimes we all need help from a tube! One of the effects of not menstruating is that there’s little blood flow to the genitals–which means we have a harder time with lubrication. But this is such an easy fix! And if you’re well lubricated to start with, it’s much easier to get aroused. It actually helps jumpstart the whole process.

Many of my readers swear by coconut oil. It’s all natural–no chemicals. It is a solid at room temperature (up to about 76 degrees), but then it turns into a liquid above that, so when it is rubbed on body parts it will become “oily”. And it’s edible, too! (enough said).

Remember KY Jelly–the kind that felt like Vaseline, and was kind of gross?

This is a new generation of lubricant! And they sent me their “Yours” and “Mine” lube to try. They’re different formulations–warming for her, and cool and tinging for him. And when you put them together–it’s really tingly! And kinda fun.

Seriously, if you’ve felt “nothing” from the waist down for a while, this can help you feel something again!

Consider Hormone Replacement and Supplements

I’m not a doctor, and I do believe that if you take any kind of supplements you really should talk to your doctor about them first. That being said, I’m a big believer in hormone replacement therapy if it’s not contraindicated because of cancer risks or something. But I’ve known so many women who tried different things for years after menopause to no avail before finding the right formula–and suddenly they could sleep and they felt alive again! But for many women it meant trying many different things. So don’t give up, and keep trying!

When you’re pregnant and breastfeeding you should NOT be taking any kind of hormonal replacement or supplement.

That being said, if you’re just going through perimenopause or you have low sex drive, ArginMax sent me a bunch of samples of their supplements which look interesting. For women, the supplement includes L-arginine, damiana, ginseng, and ginkgo biloba, which have all been known to enhance sexual enjoyment. The male version contains similar things, with different kinds of ginseng and no damiana. Then they both have other vitamins and minerals, too, making this a complete vitamin health supplement that ALSO helps with sexual enjoyment and arousal.

You can see ArginMax for men here, and ArginMax for women here. I do think these could help, because I have read that all of these ingredients are tied to sexual arousal and enjoyment.

And again–if you do decide to take a supplement, please show it to your doctor!

Ultimately Sex is Difficult when Arousal is Low–But It’s Up to You

Here’s the truth: If you’re running around caring for everyone but yourself, and feeling nothing sexually, and you’re just waiting for your sex drive to return, chances are nothing much will happen.

Your sex drive won’t come back unless you chase it.

Unless you make it a priority to think about sex in a positive way, to FEEL and experience your body, to think positively about your husband, to cuddle, to prioritize the relationship–nothing will happen.

I get so many letters from women saying that “after the baby came, we basically had sex maybe 10 times in the next two years”. (Here’s one woman’s story of what happened when she stopped having sex after the babies).

What kind of life do you want? A great, solid marriage where you have fun and feel rejuvenated, or a relationship where you become like roommates?

No, it’s not easy. Yes, you’re exhausted. No, you don’t feel much of anything. Yes, it’s hard to get “in the mood”.

But you can do it–or you can at least make sex enjoyable, even if you don’t always reach orgasm. You can enjoy being close. You can enjoy feeling your body. You can enjoy feeling relaxed.

So what will you choose? It’s a whole lot better to choose to engage sexually than to try to do this:

… which makes me wonder about all the anecdotes I hear about a woman giving birth, then suddenly finding her husband unattractive. As if he’s someone different than the man she married — when she was on hormonal birth control.

That’s so interesting, Michael, and I remember reading that in your book maybe? I know I’ve read it somewhere before. The more I read, the more I really do think women who can should avoid the Pill. Really.

I was one of those women who started her period back just eight weeks after delivery and was breastfeeding. My periods the whole time I breastfed were awful. They were extremely heavy and lasted nearly two weeks. Yikes! Top that off with breasts that made enough milk to feed a third world nation. I would literally spray milk if I wasn’t wearing a bra (with layers of nursing pads). Once hubby and I got used to my cycle and learned the bra had to stay on no matter what we managed to work out some time to have sex. I never felt like sex so we had to get things going before I could get in the mood. New moms, don’t give up it can be done. And your husband will really enjoy looking at your large milk filled breasts while he can.

Oh, Tiffany, I totally relate to having to keep the bra on or you spray milk–been there, done that! But oh, my goodness, after just eight weeks? And so heavy? You poor, poor woman! But thanks for that comment, it was really encouraging I think to all new moms out there!

I’m nearly 8 months postpartum and still haven’t experienced a period (yay!), but I’ve been dealing with PPD, so my husband and I had sex about 6 times in the first 6 months. First time or two were insanely painful. I was terrified of trying more. We just started getting back to normal over the past month, but yeah – PPD is another major killer of libido – way more than any birth control.

I didn’t even know we went about 2 months without anything sexual! I mean, NOTHING. Didn’t even cross my mind. Poor man. My husband isn’t the pushy, “hey, I’m horny, let’s mess around” type, so I was just wandering around in new mommy hell trying to survive the fog and he was trying to be supportive. Newborns + sleep deprivation + PPD = no sex drive for a while.

Oh Deena, THANK YOU for sharing that. After my second was born, I had PPD so bad I was eventually hospitalized and put on suicide watch. After finding the right meds, it was like waking up from a nightmare, and I realized we did not have sex for FOUR MONTHS. I honestly had no idea we weren’t having sex. I was just trying to survive ( literally). My poor husband.

My third is now 11 month old but this time we put together a PPD plan that included sex, lol. My husband and I have grown a lot in our view of what sex is (thank you Sheila!), so I told my husband to initiate even during my depression again this time because I have learned to see what it really means. It is very powerful to know that he still wants me even when I was at my worst, if that makes sense. But it has been a different kind of sex… I call it comfort sex, lol. My depression tells me I am unloveable, but regular sex proves he still loves me, he still wants me, he still chooses me. That is comforting.

I wish I’d seen this in my blog reader feed before I commented on the last post! Can’t delete it, so sorry for the repeat. I’m currently about 7 months pregnant, and we’ve tried to have sex maybe half a dozen times the entire time. Truthfully, I’ve been nauseous every day since about October, and I have vaginismus to boot. (Not bad enough that we can’t do anything, obviously, but bad enough that it’s never been painless or much fun at all for me, despite everything I’ve tried so far.) So he hasn’t been asking much, and though I do make a point of saying yes when he does, it’s hard to initiate knowing how uncomfortable it’s going to be for me, both due to my current size and my previous difficulties. I’ve asked him a few times if he’s feeling deprived or anything, and he seems to be ok, but I’m really nervous about how things will go post-delivery, especially if my vaginismus gets worse.

Oh, Becky, I totally hear you, because I had vaginismus too! But many, many women actually find that it gets better after giving birth. So you may find that instead of making it worse it makes it better! Just give yourself the full number of weeks to heal afterwards. Blessings to you!

Wow … I never knew that blood flow was connected to female arousal. This has been a very informative post, and I’m glad you were willing to go there. It can be a touchy subject :/ I really liked the part about being in physical contact. Thanks for sharing 😀Anastasia Ivy recently posted…My 18 Steps to Getting Out of Debt

This might be TMI but. . .I’ve had a chronic yeast infection for 3 months (count them. . .3) and have gone to tons of doctors and tried different medications. It’s been caused by a medication I HAVE to be on for ocular rosacea (if I don’t take the medication I could eventually lose my eyesight). I’m praying for relief and hoping doctors can figure it out and God will release me from this. Needless to say I literally physically can’t have intercourse and it’s so frustrating! I’d appreciate your prayers. . .reading this post made me realize all the things I’ve been missing! But keeping the coconut oil tip in my hat for when (if) this gets cleared up!!Heather recently posted…Easter: the Tejano spirit lives on

Oh, Heather, that’s so tough! I know what you mean about ocular rosacea–that runs in my family, and I’m likely to develop rosacea, too. It is really tough to get a handle on, so I can just imagine what you’re going through! Prayers for you right now!

Yes, I take them daily along with eating plain unsweetened yogurt and eating an alkaline diet. Have gone through 8 rounds of Monistat, 3 rounds of Diflucan prescribed by doc (one dose was 14 days long) and boric acid suppositories, which are one of the strongest things on the market and apparently are deadly if taken orally but if used as a suppositories can kill yeast! Ugh, this is a long road. . .

Since I was diagnosed with breast cancer back in the fall of 2013, I was put on Tamoxifen in the April of 2014. This drug puts me into menopause–although I was heading there steadily anyway! I don’t like the side effects of “menopause”–mostly the battle against the bulge. But I have been faithful to use lubricants even before “the desert winds of menopause” hit! I’m fully convinced that it has been a huge “sex-saver” in my life. Thanks for all the practical helps you provide us, Sheila, and also grateful for your linkup!

Oh, Beth, I haven’t been keeping up with you enough because I didn’t realize you’ve been walking through that! So glad you’re doing so well. And I totally agree that lubricants can be a sex saver. I think too often we feel like we’re failures if we have to use them, but I prefer to see it as something which can do a tremendous job in helping us still have fun–and feel close!

You actually can use estrogen cream in your vagina while breastfeeding if lubrication is not happening and making sex painful. Obviously this needs to go through your MD, but it made a HUGE difference the first few months pp. And while he viewed it as a bit unfair, the breasts are off limits while breastfeeding. It kills the mood for me because I instantly feel like a cow and not a lover :/

We are coming up on our four year anniversary. I have been pregnant and/or breastfeeding for all but the two first months (currently pregnant with our third and will likely have one more) so I have no clue what my normal drive is! I really only feel in the mood if I think about it through the entire day or only once things have started. Needless to say, I am excited for the day I am done this stage of my life and get to realize my true sexual self. 🙂

Thank you for this series. I needed it! This question probably should be on yesterday’s post. Anyway. Your graph you posted yesterday. When I’m in the red zone, it’s bad. I’m super grumpy, moody & can be mean. I annoy myself! So sex for that week is non-existent. Then of course my period starts. So hubby & I have 2 weeks out of a month to have sex. We get in a good rhythm then, red zone. I’ve spoken with my OBGYN about this. And having my tubes tied exacerbated all this. Any suggestions?

My husband has never been much interested in sex. I am the one with the high libido. Except now after having a baby (she’s 4 months old) I guess I’m mostly exhausted. And the few times we have made love it was painful or uncomfortable, so I am not really looking forward to the next time. Believe me, this is MUCH different for me than previously. I used LOVE the lovin’. I am worried we will fall into a no sex rut and forget how to connect that way. I feel like men do about sex, that I feel loved and needed and wanted and beautiful when I’m pursued. So, it’s not just men that need sex to feel wanted. Some of us women do also. I have talked to hubby about my needs, he’s very sympathetic now. ( he didn’t used to be) I guess, just please pray for us. I love my family and don’t want things to fall apart. Are there any male viewpoints on this? Thanks for listening.

I’d also add just to communicate with hubby about all of this and discuss what your needs are during this time, if that makes sense. For example, maybe hubby doesn’t realize that it may take double the warm up time now. Or for me, I am a lot more likely to have sex frequently when he is willing to just let it go that I either cannot figure out how to orgasm because I am breastfeeding or just plain don’t want to try every time because the pressure to “get there” is actually ruining the whole experience for me. Hubby is having a hard time comprehending that I am not lying about feeling sexually satisfied even when I do not finish. Mutual pleasure and intimacy is my goal, not orgasm, though obviously I look forward to the day when things work a little better than they do right now.

Breastfeeding on demand (generally more than every three hours) is what suppresses the fertility hormones. The fertility hormones are highest at night so night feedings play a big role in suppressing fertility. Every woman is different in how this affects her. I wouldn’t start my fertility until my babies were about 13 months old(a couple other women I know made it to 18 months!) and during that time sex was not as enjoyable due to not only being dry, but the tissues being very rigid and painful as well (like being a virgin every time.) Each time I knew I was going to be fertile soon when my tissues suddenly became elasticy and stretchable without pain due to that hormone shift.

Kay – thank you for saying that. You definitely get it. That’s exactly what it’s like. It’s a weird place to be. Depression is a serious monster and PPD is EPIC without help. I’ve just started seeing a therapist and had no idea how wild my thoughts were. It’s terrifying! I’m still trying to climb out of the darkness.

Sheila – I’d be interested in a depression/sex post, too. Women get depression 2x more than men, so sometimes it isn’t us women being cruel or dealing with low libido. Sometimes it’s way worse. It’s literally not on the radar when you’re just trying to survive! It’s probably overlooked a lot, but there are signs all husbands should be aware of, and they aren’t always unshowered, crying women lying in bed. Sometimes we still operate, but we’re robotic.

Only been married a couple of years. Both my husband and I were previously married. Sex is horrible. He has no skills and it is very predictable. and yes early in I went through months of teaching him new things and what I like and it’s all for naught. Add hysterectomy and ED issues and it’s a recipe for disaster

I’m really glad you mentioned the importance of the brain as far as sex during pregnancy, breastfeeding, etc! I have a 5 month old baby who is exclusively breastfed and I never really had the expectation that I wouldn’t want sex throughout this stage, which I think was helpful. I think what we tell ourselves really makes a difference! I was tired and nauseated throughout my pregnancy and it was harder to orgasm (I think that may have Ben partly due to fear of miscarriage. I lost a baby about a year and a half before my little man was born), but honestly I still wanted sex more than my husband did. Obviously in those newborn days you are exhausted and trying to figure out breastfeeding and stuff, but this stage was really fun for me. Vaginal sex is off limits for a while but the great thing is anything else goes, so you get to do everything you wanted to do while you were dating, and maybe did, but with no guilt and without it having to lead to sex! I was very blessed to have had a quick birth with no tearing and my husband was amazing throughout it, so really I felt more in love with him then than I ever had before. It was such a bonding experience. Sex afterwards wasn’t all smooth sailing. My husband was under a lot of stress and didn’t want it nearly as much as I did, and I had/have some body image/confidence issues, but it has gotten so much better, and it really forced me to communicate more with him about sex. So don’t think it has to be terrible and don’t assume you won’t want it. Just take the difficulties as they come and keep learning and loving each other 🙂

P.S. My husband ia pretty in to breasts, definitely not a butt man! And yes spraying milk can be annoying and messy, but if he’s still into them, I think its important to not have them completely off limits! I used to spray milk all the time, but now it’s just sometimes, but I’ve noticed that if I do, it’s usually realllly good sex. All that oxytocin 😉

This is an interesting topic for me, because breastfeeding works as birth control for me (I’ve never used hormonal birth control) and for most of our marriage I’ve been either pregnant or breastfeeding. I think I had three cycles between our first and our second daughters, one cycle between our second and our third, and then about six between our third and our fourth (which we are now expecting). When I told my husband I was pregnant this time, his reaction was basically “aw shucks – no more hormones to make life more interesting.” So he definitely noticed the ups and downs of my cycle and the way I respond more at certain times of the month!!! I should probably look into lubes, as that has been a factor for us… he’s complained about dryness and arousal (which I find hard at times). Coconut oil sounds like a great way to start without me having to venture into stores I’m not comfortable at! 🙂 Thanks for the tips and ideas.Bonnie Way recently posted…Love Without Limits by Nick Vujicic

Yay for coconut oil! And that’s interesting that your husband noticed–he must be very perceptive :). Get the lube. Seriously. It doesn’t mean that you’re a failure or that he’s a failure AT ALL. I think we attribute too much negativity to needing it!

If coconut oil works for you, then great. FWIW, it is very likely that you can find a variety of lube products at your grocery store or average drugstore. I can’t bring myself to enter those kinds of stores either but browsing the family planning aisle (usually where those types of products are found–also ironically right next to the diaper section in our grocery store) while obviously pregnant was easier for me than when not. I figured that if my husband could make the sacrifice of buying feminine hygiene products for me in the pregnancy off-season, then I could stand buying a lube product for both of us along with the milk and chicken.
I’m one of the people who spends the first half of pregnancy losing weight because of throwing up so much and arousal seems to be one of the triggers for me. We get through it and I can only think of one time that I had to seriously interrupt the process in order to make a run for the bathroom.
Congratulations on your fourth though! Our fourth is due this summer as well.

Sheila- you are right about the hormones. As someone who is going through perimenopause, there are definite times that my libido is sky high and other times it is Meh. As I have entered perimenopause , I have become the higher drive spouse and due to health issues my hubby -the lower drive. We have literally switched places. We communicate about where we are and regularly schedule playtime as we like to call it.
I have a couple of cautions about the products that you mention . arginmax contains ginko bilboa and L-arginine. Be careful Ginko can cause problems with people who have poison ivy/oak allergies ( check out this: http://www.webmd.com/vitamins-supplements/ingredientmono-333-ginkgo.aspx?activeingredientid=333&activeingredientname=ginkgo). I personally experienced a reaction to ginko because I am highly allergic to poison ivy/oak. L-arginine can cause problems for people with gout and herpes ( both cold sore and genital herpes). here is article:http://www.webmd.com/vitamins-supplements/ingredientmono-875-l-arginine.aspx?activeingredientid=875&activeingredientname=l-arginine. We were using an arousal gel that contained l-arginine . My husband ,who has gout, had more aches and pains. I get cold sores and had a huge upswing in break outs ( like 4 episodes in 3 months). So no more arousal products that contain l-arginine for us. So be aware of what is in your products . I have a few suggestions for those who are looking to spice things up!
We use Crazy Girls’ Wanna be Wild Intense Orgasm gel (http://www.crazygirlproducts.com/Crazy-Girl-Wanna-Be-Wild-Intense-Orgasm-Gel/- you can get it on amazon, ebay and Walgreens). We also like JO Volt (comes in 3 levels 6-9-12) (http://www.systemjo.com/stimulation-gels/jo-volt-12v) and both parties can use this . We also get this at the above mentioned retail outlets. We also use straight coconut oil and we have some that we have a few drops of essential peppermint oil that we use on occasion ( be careful of condoms and silicone toys) The lube that you mention is full things like glycerin and propylene glycol. Glycerin can increase your chances for yeast infections. Propylene Glycol is used in antifreeze. Plus it has parabens which have been mentioned in articles concerning cancer. We try to use paraben free, glycerin free and propylene glycol free lubes. Our favorite lube line is Sliquid. They have something for everyone. We love the Organic Gel, Satin and Sea lubes . you can see the whole line here: http://sliquid.com/. again you can get these on amazon,ebay and walgreens. They even have sampler boxes so you try a little of everything.
I started researching sex, sexual health, marriage and intimacy and men/women health issues about 3 years ago which is how I found your blog. I have learned a lot about things like lubes and sex products in general. Again good article.

I would like to ask advice with regard to having had breast cancer due to exceptionally high hormones. I cannot take anything that has hormones in it. My ovaries were removed, and I am on anti-hormone therapy. Any suggestions?

Oh, Jennifer, that’s so tough–but that’s wonderful that you made it through and you’re still with us! I don’t want to advise on something like this because it’s such a potential landmine, except to say: talk to your doctor. And if your doctor says there’s nothing I can do, talk to another doctor. Keep trying new doctors until you find one who has some other suggestions. And talk to other cancer survivors and find out who they see. Best wishes for you! My mom is 30 years breast cancer free now!

I have so much trouble in the area of sex. My husband seems to be all about sex. I can tell it is causing some stress so I went to the doctor. She said my testosterone was low enough to be almost nonexistent. They gave me a cream but nothing happened.
I have found something called Maeng DA Kratom that actually helped me to get back some ‘joy’ in this area. I would encourage anyone having trouble in the bedroom with their spouse to try this. Research it first and make sure it is something you can take. It is natural but may still react with some drugs.
The overwhelming sense of relief I felt at actually wanting to be with my husband and not seeing it as a chore was great!!

I know I don’t have the right to write her because I am a man and can’t understand what women experience but I have to ask: How do men cope with not having sex for so long? I haven’t read all posts but in the posts I have read the majority of the husbands are cool with not having sex. What do they do? I am Sorry that I ask that here but I haven’t find any where to get my question answered. Me and my wife have been married for a little More Than a year. The first four months were good but then she got pregnant and sex was reduced to almost nothing. Now we have a three months old baby girl and I know it must be hard for A women but I can’t help feeling frustrated. I don’t push her and I try to help with as much as I can but sometimes I just feel so irritated and frustrated with the situation. I really am a bad husband and father. I shouldn’t care about sex and just be happy that I have a baby and I am but I also want us to have a good sex life. We really fought with not having sex before marriage and To be honest I was so looking forward to it, I had so high expectations and now all that blew away. I guess I need to stop thinking about sex. I maybe have an unhealthy view of it. Anyways that’s what I wanted to ask: What do your men do to cope? I would be very thankful to get an answer. God bless you!

Prayer. Communication with your wife. And self control. It’s hard. But prayer and communication with your wife will be a huge factor. Something my husband did with me is he started reading more in the bible and praying more. Taking time to be closer to God. And that REALLY helped him through the days of when I was post baby having bleeding. And even when I was dealing with PPD. At the time I had not had a light switch on yet about how sex really worked i just was never on the mood I basically thought he was being ridiculous for getting upset when I didn’t want to. But a couple of months ago I had my own discussion with God and had enlightenment on sex in marriage and I even prayed for a higher libido so I wouldn’t WANT to deny him sex. And by golly that prayer was answered and for me it made me with the higher libido. And now I know how he has felt in the past when I didn’t wanna and he did.
If he would have been more open with me and explained his feelings with me rather than just gotten mad and given me the silent treatment I would have been able to make a change in myself sooner for his sake. But definitely PRAYER WORKS. And communication is the key.
Communication is POWER. That is how I feel about it. And Prayer is too. Maybe see about taking your wife on a date and try to just have an open discussion about what your expectations and concerns are in that area and just tell her how you feel and why you need it. Tell her you just want to feel close to her again that it isn’t just about release. I didn’t really think about it in this way with my husband before and it really kept me from really understanding what sex was all about and now that I do understand it. We are SO MUCH CLOSER for it.
I hope that this can help you. Good luck.

Thank you very much for your answer. I also think prayer is the way to go. Right now I’m in a “desert” in my spiritual life tough sometimes I can barely pray for some minutes but I will still try to. When it comes to communication it’s very hard. I love my wife she is the most wonderful person but talking about things like this is hard. She gets uncomfortable and that makes me uncomfortable. It’s like she doesn’t want to talk about it so I try to avoid it. She doesn’t want to talk about thing like that. She is the kind of women who wouldn’t want to go to marriage counseling meanwhile I really want to so that we can open up and so on but I guess it’s hard for her. We have started to have a little more sex after she noted that it’s frustrating for me. But if I don’t tell her nothing would happen. Right now what I try to do is to just be there for her, help her out massage her and so on. I do it because I love her and I try to think that I am doing the things without waiting to receive anything but I honestly hope that she will “reward” me every time but it doesn’t work that much. I really think she wants to have sex because when we have she seems really in to it but it’s just that I feel like it’s not as important to her as it is to me.
Maybe it is because I have a higher sex drive. You prayed for a higher sex drive I honestly wish that God would take it away and that I could stop thinking about it and stop longing for it. Sometimes I can’t concentrate when I’m working because I only think about Us having sex. It’s frustrating. Well I guess I just to suffer from this until I get old. Thank you for answer I am sorry for my long answer I just needed to be open about it. God bless you!

Maybe you could get Sheila’s book 31 days to great sex. I have not bought it yet. But I did read her blog about 28 days to great sex (or is it 29? ) I can’t remember. But I as a woman really found it to be an eye opener to what sex is all about it made me realize hey. There is so much more to sex than just the act and momentary release. And it also showed me that there is more to my husband just “wanting” sex. In my mindset it really was a chore. And I’m sure it almost was to him how hard he had to fight for it. I did not completely understand how my body worked when it came to sex and I really didn’t have a good idea on men’s either. I also had a negative outlook on sex in marriage too because of how my mother was treated in her marriage. She came to me ALOT and talked negatively about men wanting sex all the time. And it really gave me a negative mindset about it cuZ I wasn’t gonna be “forced” to do anything i do not want to in my marriage. and that carried over into my now marriage not even realizing it. I was basically being “cautious” or “walking the line”(like my mom always said it) around my husband, and I DID NOT EVEN HAVE TO! it put a huge wedge in communication for us and of course our sex life. Until, I read Sheila’s blog for the first time and I also read a book about being a positive wife. These past few months have been life changing for me. Maybe there is something deeper going on too. That SHE does not even realize is going on. CuZ I sure did not know what was going on with me until I started praying more and my walk with Christ started getting better and I read a little about marriage and intimacy in marriage.
Also. Being that y’all have recentlyish had a baby that is ALOT! CuZ when you don’t have a baby you can focus more on each other but then you have a baby it’s chaos on your brain, your nerves, and hormones, etc. you don’t even realize it can mess with your sex life until you actually see it happening. But remember this is all just for a season. But seriously get Shelias book. At least start off by reading the shorter version on her blog cuZ there is a lot in there that might help bring things to light. As I was reading it I was like…. Omgosh. It’s talking about me. And before I saw those things I couldn’t make a change cuZ I didn’t even know I was like that! Maybe buy the book and y’all go through it together. Tell her you would love to go through the book together because you want to be closer to her. And it isn’t 31 days OF great sex it is 31 days TO great sex.
I personally don’t know what else I can say. Just explain what has helped me as a woman. And maybe it could help your wife too. Who knows. Just keep praying. Things will get better. And God will bless you for your patience with her.

Also. As far as thinking about it as much… I’ve come to realize even in myself -now- that it isn’t so much just wanting/thinking about it it is just wanting that closeness with my husband. I don’t know if this is the same for men who have higher drives for their spouses but that’s how it is for me. I have also been told that sometimes libido differences can go back and forth…. I guess it’s one way to keep spouses to keep pursuing and loving on each other. Idk. Prayer is the answer though. things will get better keep your Trust and Faith in Him.

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About Sheila

Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.