The Modern Life of the Single Sister

It’s said that men think about sex about every 7 seconds. Sure we may seem like oversexed teenage boys stuck in a man’s body at times, but we’re so much more than that. Wait. Yep. We are. I promise. For example, there are key times when a brother just doesn’t want to have sex. If we acted upon every sexual impulse our balls would look like a deflated balloons, our pelvises would have more glitches than Windows Vista and I would venture out to say that all human innovation would stop. Daunting huh? Yeah I know. So why so much grief when we say, “no” to sex?

Ladies you’ve got to admit, nothing can turn a sweet, wholesome young lady into a Gremlin quicker than rejection. And what’s worse is sexual denial. You would think you shut down her very soul.

Why is it that a man must always be ready to go? Ladies, I’ll be honest – every once and a blue moon, your man (or sex buddy) doesn’t want to have sex. I know, I know. You’re wonderful, amazing, and gorgeous even, so trust me for once – it’s not you, it’s us. Sure we’re supposed to, and usually are, ready to go at all times, but hey, rules are meant to be broken. After a 15 hr working day, my mind may be pumping like a piston but my body is temporarily paraplegic.

Plus, why can you say no and I always have to be ready to go? You want equality, well like a closet racist White man would tell you – it goes both ways. Don’t you come over here expecting me to be good to go when you can tell me you have a headache at your discretion. This is reverse sexual harassment. I have needs too. And sometimes one of them is a full night’s sleep after a hard day’s work. So baby, could you just rub my back?

Who gave y’all the option to determine the sex? It takes two and dammit this is America! I can drink, smoke (in some states), vote & say no to sex if I want to! Don’t expect me to exercise that right too often, but dammit it’s mine. So ladies, how come we can’t say no without you catching feelings? Is it the pure rejection? Or is it because you just always thought we’d be in the mood? Let me know, but in the meantime – could you just rub my head? No, the one on my neck. Thanks.

I’m back!! I know I haven’t written in awhile but that’s because I’ve been too lazy to write busy. But when I get a topic handed to me that makes it much easier. I was asked the question “What attracts men the most outside of looks? Is it a personality issue? Are you looking at our potential as well? Furthermore, since there’s a large debate over black women being single because we refuse to lower our standards, is it possible that we are also single because we are not showing “wife” potential since we’re too strong of professional forces?”

Wow!! This is like 8 questions in one but I will break em down one by one.

What attracts men the most outside of looks? Is it a personality issue?

Let me start off by saying that men are individuals and thus this answer will differ from person to person. Also remember that for us men, unlike all some women, the pursuit of sex and the pursuit of a relationship are not one and the same. Yes, most times sometimes the pursuit of relationship started as the pursuit of sex. However, I feel comfortable saying that for a large percentage of black men it is a personality issue. Meaning that after a woman’s looks, personality is the next important factor. I’ve heard many women say “O he looked good but I couldn’t talk to him because he was a total jerk”. Men operate in a similar fashion. The things that you do and say can deter our particular pursuits. If a man is pursuing sex only he will either accept all of your BS or none of it. He’ll decide you’re either not worth the trouble and bounce or he’ll decide that he isn’t going to be around for long and put up w/ it.

If he’s willing trying to get into a relationship. He’ll accept somewhere in the middle when it comes to personality. If you’re too annoying he will not talk to her.

Are you looking at our potential as well?

Yes. Men are always on the look out for potential. Its not conscious as it seems to be with women but men are paying attention. Some men are openly looking for relationships, some men are not looking for one but will get into one and others are just looking to get the benefits of a relationship w/o the work. All three options are based on a woman having the potential of being the wifey jawn. So ultimately, potential is important if you want to be anything more than a side piece/jump off jawn.

Furthermore, since there’s a large debate over black women being single because we refuse to lower our standards, is it possible that we are also single because we are not showing “wife” potential since we’re too strong of professional forces?”

I think the first part of the question has nothing to do with the second part. I’ll address both parts. I don’t think anyone should lower their standards. However, I do think that people should: a) set realistic expectations and b) be willing to suffer the consequences of having those standards. Some (emphasis on some) have completely unrealistic expectations. You expect him to be amiable, God-loving, great degree, business owner, can cook, loves his mom and generally have no flaws but you don’t have half of that? Create a reasonable list of must haves and like to haves and stick to it. Some people have their expectations and then are angry when they meet no one who meets them. You set the expectations not everyone else.

Now on to the second part of this question: “is it possible that we are also single because we are not showing “wife” potential since we’re too strong of professional forces?”

Women are single for 3 reasons. #1) The numbers game. There has always been more women than men. In prehistoric times, men were fighting saber tooth tigers and died as the women were hunting and gathering. During the crusades, there weren’t many female soldiers. Historically, men have gone off and done stupid sh*t (i.e. fight wars, do stupid things while drunk, etc.) and that makes it so there are more women. In this day and age, add in black on black crime, drugs, gay men and white women and the numbers don’t look good. #2) Women forget that men are not really attracted to “resumes”. Because men are expected to be the providers, if maintaining this standard is important, women have to look at the resumes. Men know that regardless of a woman’s position they are going to be looked at to be the “provider and protector” of that family, so what does that woman’s job matter? #3) It is a tough pill to swallow that you cannot get into a relationship the moment you want to. You work hard to get a degree and you get it. You work hard to get a good job and you get it. You work hard to get a condo and you get it. You work hard and preparing yourself for a relationship and then you don’t get one. Some things just don’t come when you want em. Doesn’t mean they wont come at all though.

I’m a bit tired of beating this dead horse. And of being a prescriptive black man who cannot understand because I cannot relate. I just want this to disappear because quite honestly there isnt much we can do about it. But if you ask the question, I’ll do my best to answer. So what do you think about the questions listed in bold? Agree? Disagree?

Hey ladies and gents! In the interest of continuing letting the gentlemen school us here’s a post from my fave Detroit blogger! Check it out! I think you’ll enjoy it 🙂

Uh-oh. There’s a trouble-a-brewing. By now, we’ve all seen those videos describing how women are tired of being single, how guys won’t marry them, or the thousands of other e-complaints that are tossed around. I hate to see people sad, and even more, hate to see people complaining, so I offer this explanation. We’re simply not ready. No seriously, it’s not cause we want to bang strange every other day (well, lol) or be big ass kids with goo-gobs of disposable income, or be able to act like raging dickheads without having to answer to anyone. Okay, it’s partially for those reasons. But after we find out that it ultimately leads to nowhere, there is still a better explanation. see…guys are like trees. Some trees grow really fast. Some trees you’d never think would sprout end up being awesome. Some come all prepared and perfect. Some must be groomed, nutured, nursed into towering giants. Some don’t want to have saplings…which is fine too. Some start off great, yet fizzle out, or catch Elm disease and rot. Some might never be ready. It happens. But In order to be able to adequately fend, lead, and provide for our wives, men need to be ready. For some, on the job training and wild luck is more than enough. For many others, failures will have to be experienced before tying up knots. Like trees, we must have strong branches to climb and build swings on. We must be shade, companion, and bear (ideas) fruit. Grounded, with deep roots, yet leaves that still reach to the sky. [that was kinda poetic, but I’m not patting my own back *pats my own back*] Trees must be sure how they want to grow, before intermingling their lives with marriage. WIth modern medicine, it’s possible that we could have android bodies and live forever. Who wants to be married forever to an android-human that was never sure how they wanted to grow anyway? I feel, as a husband, and a father, my job is to be responsible for the wealth, health, happiness, and general awesome of my family. (Not singlehandedly; wife must put in equal, different effort.) But I know that it ultimately lands on me to be the leader and source of strength. Might be my male pride talking; I won’t apologize for that. As much as I can understand the push for kids and family, and the tick of the clock biological, don’t confuse guys waiting for the right time as us not wanting to get married. We want you…we just want to make sure we’re ready. I’d like to end this off slick with some good advice. but nope! – why so awesomeness

Little Miss Sunshine is one of my favorite movies, my favorite character is the grandfather and I think he became my favorite character when he told his grandson the following; “F*ck a lotta women, kid, I have no reason to lie to you. Not just one, a lotta women.” As much as that statement was crazy, should you ever need this advice it’s a definite sign that your parents or grandparents think you’re not that into women. Simply put, men are born with a natural instinct to have sex with a lot of women. It’s quite disgusting, I know, tell me something I don’t. Women wonder sometimes, why is it that men will stick their junk in anything? I’m going to attempt to answer them today. In exchange for immunity, I’m going to tell the women the motive. (Note, I’m only really snitching on the men who aren’t really on top of their game.) Men are genetically designed to sleep with a lot of women. Haven’t you heard the following before, “If God wanted us to be with one woman, why did he give us all that sperm?!” The average man ejaculates about 200-300 million sperm a pop. In addition, men don’t have to take any days off during the month. Women can only fertilize at most, two eggs at a time, and spend 3-7 days a month going from rags to riches. (I understand that someone of you are reckless drivers and don’t mind running the red light, but for the sake of the argument, please slow down.) Lastly, men don’t get pregnant, and with 52 weeks in a year, a pregnancy can take a woman out of the game for 40 weeks. You thought I was going to leave this argument open to discussion? Men need something to talk about with our boys. Men only really talk about three things; money, sex and sports. And even when talking about money or sports it comes back to a conversation about sex. So the more sex we have the more stories we can tell. And every sex story must be outdone, the conversation is not over until no man can tell a better sex tale than the one before him without recycling a story heard by everyone who is present. If there is a new person in the conversation you may recycle because that person has not heard the tale before. These games can go on for hours. Some of the hardest things in life to say no to are; crying mothers and sex. Barring a few exceptions most men will tackle any tackle box they can find, whether it be conscious or not. A lot of men would like to admit they would remain faithful to their partners, but they fail to realize the effects of a completely naked beautiful woman’s attempts to seduce him. I mean, any man who has had sex before know the feeling of being inside of a woman and he tries to do it as often as possible. For the sake of argument, I’ll throw one excuse out. Some people believe you have to see what you like, you don’t have to sleep with a LOT of women to find out what you like. For men, the end result of sex is pretty much the same wherever you go, you came. They are different variations and certain quirks to different types, but you can sleep with less than 12 women to find out, this is not a valid excuse. Last, but not least, and probably the best reason is because there’s no reason not to sleep with a lot of women. It’s socially accepted that men will sleep with tons of women. It’s also always more than enough women offering up sex. If a man sleeps with 100 women by the time he’s 25, in reality, what is going to happen to him? He’s going to have a kid or two, big deal, he’ll probably just not take care of them anyway. The point is, society is set up in a way that enables men to sleep with a lot of women. The men who don’t sleep with a lot of women, well they’re going against the grain. (Clap for them.) If you really want to see the sad state affairs think about how many women blame other women when their man cheats. Think about how many mothers, aunts and grandmothers tell young women, “Well, a man has to be a man.” “These are my thoughts, I sleep through the night.” – @DrJayJack

One of the most curious things about being a man is learning what being a man is all about. I am edging up on 40 this June and I am never short on the number of answers that are available.

Being a man is speaking up for what you believe in. That’s it.

I really, really need people to let boys grow up on their own terms. It is clear that the Old rules are NOT working.

Not me, Not mine. I ain’t gonna be able to do it. And I won’t.

If you have sons, let them be themselves. Teach them to rise and Fall on their own Merits and their own perceptions.

Being a man is being the strong, silent type.

Being a man is Loving women

Being a man is Money over….well, you get the point.

For the vast majority of us, we are bombarded with contradictory notions of what makes up a man. The very things that are poured into our spirits at birth as the pinnacle of manliness are things that are branded as immature and sophomoric.

Way before I got into the whole Inkognegro the Scribe Schtick, I have constantly mused on what it is that MAKES a man a man.

Growing up, what I was taught (turn the other cheek, in order to be a leader of all you must be a servant of all) never squared with what I experienced on the outisde.

Friday was a REALLY tough day for me. For a brief moment, it all seemed like it was coming apart.

That evening I was on twitter and A female friend of mine was expressing how she had pulled herself out of a Nervous breakdown largely by verbalizing that she chose life.

It stopped me cold.

” I choose Life” is a powerful statement, when you actually take it beyond sloganeering and Put it in practice.

But seriously…will “manhood” allow that kind of a statement to be made?

Over the course of the past few months I’ve been doing a little investigation with the male folk (who, by the way, are going to be running this site next week). The entire reason I’ve been asking the questions I’ve been asking comes from a conversation I had on a date back in September. While we were in the car, I mentioned to my friend that he was driving a bit too fast for my liking (considering the bad weather and the fact that he wasn’t from here). He then put one hand on the wheel and the other on my leg and said, “Don’t worry, I got this. Why don’t you just sit back, relax and be a woman?”

Breaks started screeching in my head. After all, if nothing else I am extremely feminine. So of course, I asked him what he meant. He told me (with what I think was fear) that sistas (all of us) needed to stop with all this bossiness. He said it’s real nice and all that we have degrees and money and stuff but it doesn’t mean that we know everything, one and two, it still doesn’t give us the innate sense of maleness that men possess. A penis in the boardroom WILL NOT equal a penis in the bedroom. *pause* Now, I am realizing that not all men think this. In fact, one just challenged me on this (HOW DARE HE?!) He said if a woman is like that then she’s like that and she’s not likely to change. I believe that the Black woman does have it in her genetics to be overwhelming strong and independent but she needs to understand that in 2010 the man is only leaving because he wants to and if he does, well just remember you can do bad all by yourself (which by the way is where you’ll be if you don’t calm down some of these antics).

Anyways, this is already getting long enough and I know my sisters in the blogging world are all independent and doing their own thing. I’m definitely proud of all of us and I want us to have much success in life and love. Therefore, my question for today is:

Ladies: What are some things men have accused you of doing that were “unladylike”? Do you think the media is over blowing this whole idea?

Gentlemen: What can the ladies do to be more like ladies? Do you believe that the onset of more education and better jobs caused this or do you believe that women would have been like this regardless?