Top 10 Old School Jumpoffs

Keeping in line with my top 10 theme this week, I now present to you my list of top 10 old school jumpoffs. These women right there are R.igh.t O.n poster women. They were up on the wall, they helped me through puberty, might have even caused a few pages in the magazine to stick together but I thank them for it. 🙂

In no particular order:

#1 – Lis.a Li.sa – not the Cu.lt Jam just Li.sa Li.sa.

She wondered if I took her home, would I still be in love baby, because she needs me tonight!!!!!! Lawwwwwd…..Peep the bang over the eye. (do you see B.ow L.egged L.ou in the back. The fugg is he wearing?!?!)

#2 – Sheil.a E

Any woman that can work the drums like that can work me. Watch her move. You know what did it for me, her in K.rush Gr.oove getting pissed at R.un and saying “F*ck it, I’ll go”…..

#3 – Jayn.e K.enn.edy

My mom had one of her exercise videos and I would watch that joint just cause but it was J.ayne K.enn.edy but then I found out she had a s.ex tap.e and some how that joint circulated colleges across A.merica (just think, this was before the internet so dude came to my dorm room with a VHS copy…it had to be serious!!!) Every one watched that joint and made me fall in love all over again……..The quality was horrific but JK worked the hell out of her ex…..

#4 – The.lma

Yes, the Thel.ma from Goo.d T.imes. What? You think I used to watch that show to hear J.J talk about some damn Dyn-.o.-Mite?!?!?!

Hell naw, I used to watch it for Th.elm.a and her bad cooking and dissin’ J.J. and walking across the screen with those tight ass polyester joints on…..

Hangginnnn in the jurrryy………

#5 – Wond.er Wom.an

Fresh, did you say Wo.nder Wo.man? YUP.

Anyway woman that would wear that shit in public deserves to be on my list. Go ahead, call her outfit a hot mess but don’t front like you didn’t want to be her when you were little. She got the pum pum joints, the twins popping….This is heaven. (She needs a little more heel on the boots though but hey, I understand, she’s gotta save the world from scum.) Can you imagine, hitting that and right when you ’bout to bust, you pull out and she start deflecting sperm with her wrist bands on some poom-pang-ping shit?!?! (‘remember the sound effects). You know women will fuck you up if they get sperm juice in their hair…Poom–pang–piiiinnnng!!!!

#6 – Sa.lt

Let me tell you. To this day, she’s still a dime. First off, I’d take her over Pep anyway. Pep too manly for me. Pep would beat me ass. To this day, I think she punked Tr.each. But Sa.lt. Man I think when push it came out, I was literally trying to push it through the tv screen. This was a R.ight O.n poster that NEVER came down…EVER……Ahhhh…ssss….push it….

Cause if you wanna ride in my Mer.ced.es boy, there are so many things that I wanna do to you?……..

*sigh* I need some water.

#8 – ALL of EN VOGUE.

When they first came out, we would argue around the way. Which one was the baddest? And I was sold. D.awn was the baddest. You couldn’t tell me nuttin’.

The one day I was watching V.ideo Mu.sic B.ox and saw the “G.iving Him Som.ething He. C.an Fe.el” video and guess what? I felt it. For all 4 of them! So ladies……welcome to the Fresh Jumpoff list…..

#9 – V.anessa Wi.lliams

Son – it’s bad enough when she won M.iss Am.erica I was drooling but then I found out she posed for the House. Booooooooooooy, I ran to the Hab.ib at the Bodega and begged dude to hook me up with a copy. C’mon son. I’ll give you my shell.top Adi.das with the laces for that mag?!?!?

You know the crazy thing about this woman right here. Even today, she is FLAWLESS. FL-AW-LESS.

#10 – Last but definitely not least, the 10th jumpoff…….

ANY WOMAN THAT F*CKS WITH THE SYMBOL A.K.A P.RINCE…..

Like Vanity….

or Apollonia….

Listen that five foot something or other stayed f*cking with the straight BADDDDDEST chicks so yeah, I’ll take his sloppy seconds. And yes I know Sh.eila E. was one of them but she gets her own number a’ight. (Love ya SE…holla)….He stay with the exotics. Never caught dude with a hoodrat and for that, his own harem deserves a number……

HONORABLE MENTION:

Van.essa Del R.io

Yeah yeah yeah, I saw De.bb.ie Do.es Da.lla.s and other classic porn joints but the first time I saw a Van.essa D.el R.io joint, I was like HOT DIGGETY DAMN. I felt things “grow”. Man, I even thought about being a po.rn st.ar for a hot second…came up with a stage name an all that……..Can you imagine that?

“So Fresh what do you want to do when you grow up?”

Me: I wanna f*ck on film.

Ehhhh, not sure mama Fresh would have agreed. And Grandmama Fresh would have drowned me in holy water.

For a while though, I thought she lived in my building. I mean there was a lady who looked just like her and my young ass would be the most polite kid whenever she came around thinking maybe she’d take my virginity but that didn’t happen especially when I found out it wasn’t her. So I fully blame my previous *ahem* addiction (I’m *ummmm* recovering) to po.rn …. on this lady and for that, she gets honorable mention…..

I once took one of my momma’s gold chains — you know the long ones that she used to double and triple? Yeah, that one. And rapped that mu’fucka around my belt loop, and told mu’fuckas it was a golden lasso. And if I put it around you, your lyin’ ass gon’ have to tell me the truth.

Um…

Until Momma caught me. She beat me with that damn “lasso.” You ever get beat with a gold chain? 😆

What about Ola Ray from the MJ Thriller video? She was serious, right? Am I the only one who had it bad for Claire Huxtable aka Phylicia Rashad? Patrice Rushen? Pre Bobby Brown Whitney Huston? Janet Jackson in the Pleasure Principle Video? The flashdance Girl, Jennifer Beals. What about Ms She’s Gotta Have It, Tracy Camilla Johns[Nola Darling]? Come on, talk to me brah??