“If his camera could talk, it’d be arrested for statutory rape.”

Machete Maidens Unleashed is a documentary about the golden age of Filipino exploitation cinema from the 70s and 80s, director Mark Hartley’s follow up to

“This is Mark F-Stop Fitzgerald. If his camera could talk, he’d be arrested for statutory rape.”

A glorification of illegal, underage porno that’s also a vague reference to The Great Gatsby? I think I’m in love. You can check out the trailer below, which I wouldn’t recommend if you’re at work, which also contains the line “I used to say I’d let you all pee in my face just to see where it came from, but hell, not anymore!” Weird, that was always my grandfather’s favorite saying. It also features a sassy black heroine tying a bad guy’s penis to a door knob and slamming it shut (“things were a little tense, but I think it came off all right,”), interviewees detailing how “stunt men” were basically poor people who were paid to take real beatings, and real corpses were used for special effects. CGI, schmee gee eye, those were the days. It once again proves that if Asia were high school, Japan would be the valedictorian, but The Philippines would throw the best parties.