Sex Just Makes All the Ladies Sad

There’s a hiLARious article on Psychology Today’s blog about why ladies would be happier if they’d just keep their legs shut. It so perfectly hits all the high notes that at first I thought it was a joke? But, no. According to Dr. Buri, sex makes women depressed*: “In fact, the evidence was clear—as the number of sexual partners went up, depression levels among these women began to soar.”

And it ruins our great nation’s social fabric:

Another researcher (working with data from over 10,000 women) reported that non-marital sex with just one partner other than the man you marry triples the risk of divorce compared with those who have only had sex with the man who has become their husband.

Ha ha, the “risk” of divorce. Be careful or you might catch divorce! And of course, ev psych in all its glory, sex with a bunch of people just isn’t natural because our lady brains crave monogamy. Science, you guys.

“As a New York Times author recently remarked, ‘Female emotional well-being seems to be tightly bound to sexual stability—which may help to explain why overall female happiness has actually drifted downward since the sexual revolution.’”

My favorite part might be this bit:

Some young adults—intent upon saving themselves for their married partner—have settled on oral sex as their preferred method of sexual connection.

Did you know that men and women who have had 6 or more oral-sex partners during their lifetime have a 900% greater chance of developing oropharyngeal cancer (cancer of the tonsils or the base of the tongue)?

Because, uh, I’m pretty sure there are reasons people have oral sex other than to save themselves for their “married partner” (is this a polygamy thing now?). Everyone knows anal is the way good girls preserve their innocence.

Plus of course the insinuation that if you get mouth cancer, it’s all your fault because you’re a big ol’ slut. Thanks, Dr. Buri. But the very best part of the whole thing is the cites at the end: a study by conservative think tank The Heritage Foundation, Times Young Republican Ross Douthat, something (with no link to the actual study) from the Journal of Marriage and Family, and USA Today (and a cancer journal about the mouth thing). Can’t argue with that! Ross Douthat (noted psychologist?) knows what’s best for us. Now shoo before I breathe all over you and you catch divorce.

*Which if this were just anyone I wouldn’t say anything, but you’d think in Psychology Today they wouldn’t use the word “depression” as a synonym for “unhappiness.” Unless he’s suggesting that sleeping around causes clinical depression, which, you’ve got to be kidding me.