Frank: Excuse me, have you got that film? You know, that, um, that film with that guy. You know, that, um, that actor guy. You know, that actor who who’s in all those films. Have you got it? You know, you know the one I mean, oh what’s his name? Um, he’s been in heaps of films, you’d know him, you’d know him for sure. Um. You know, that... actor guy!

Colin: [Looking at a video.];; Oh, what about Herbie Goes Bananas? Like, who’s Herbie? Is he some, like, psychopath of something?

Frank: Oh, um, hey. Hey! Oh, uh, this’ll help. This’ll help. I just thought, he was in that other film. The one where he, um, where he plays a cop. You know! You know the film I mean, where that actor guy plays a cop.

Colin: [To the video shop guy.] Want me to put it back for you?

Video guy: No, it’s okay. I’ll do it. It’s my job.

Frank: Oh, and he was after that bad guy. You know! Ah, the... And he’s... the um... the actor guy! What is his name? See, the thing is... the thing is... the thing is, that when I say it, you’ll go ‘ah! Yes. Him. I love him. Adore him, the actor guy, yes. I just, mmm. Yes!’ But I can’t think of his... oh, it’s on the tip of my tongue! [Sticks his tongue out and looks at it.] You’d know it. See, the thing is... the thing is that you would know him, he’s got the hair, and the eyes, bit of a nose, and the mouth there, and he... it’s all held together with a... like a face!

Video guy: Shut up!

Colin: I’m warning you! I know jujitsu! And tae kwon do. And various other oriental... words.

Frank: Col. I love you, Col.

Colin: Frank. [Pause.] Love is a very strong word, for me. [He goes to leave, then stops.] Frank. I... tolerate you. [He goes to leave again, then turns around and they hug tightly.]

[Col and Frank are watching Mr Mannox being swarmed by wasps in his car. A person in a mask comes up and starts growling and jumping around them. He eventually stops and pulls off the mask.]

Video guy: Sorry, have I come at a bad time?

Frank & Colin: [They look at him, then each other, and then at Mr Mannox.] He loved that factory.

Colin: She may not have been my flesh and blood, but she was still my mum. She was there when I learnt how to walk, she was there when I learnt how to ride a bike... and when I got bullied at school by a kid who stole my lunch money and gave me a wedgie by pulling my undies up my bum, it was her who advised me to give up teaching.

Frank: [Laughs.] We think we’re hilarious! Yes. And I saw the Fijians climbing them so I watched how to learn, I learned how to, I saw them! But there’s no coconuts.

Colin: What?

Frank: Must be the wrong season or something.

Colin: Bummer.

Frank: Maybe we can chew on these luscious palm fronds. Oh no, they taste all plasticy. You know what that tastes like?

Colin: What?

Frank: That tastes like the shade cloth you get at Bunnings. Lowest prices are just the beginning but unfortunately nutritional value isn't the ending.

Colin: Why don’t we split up into two groups…

Frank: Oh! [Waves his hand in the air.]

Colin: What?

Frank: Can I be in your group?

Frank: Don’t do anything stupid.

Colin: Yeah.

Frank: Like for example, if a fly lands on me check and walks across my top lip don’t go [sniffs loudly] and suck it up my nose. ‘Cause that would be stupid.

Colin: That would be stupid and dumb and wrong.

Frank: I did that once. It was stupid. [Goes to walk off stage but turns around.] No I really did do it. It was a weird moment. As it was walking across there I just couldn’t help but think, I reckon I could catch that! And I went [sniffs] and I caught, and I did! It was stupid.

Colin: Gee, nightfall comes quickly on this island. Must be something to do with no daylight savings in Brisbane.

Frank: I’m a little bit uncomfortable about how much swearing there has been on the show.

Colin: What?

Frank: In the show, there’s been too much swearing.

Colin: We’re on an island. We’re dying alright?

Frank: Yes but there, you know, we’re a very visual act. And so often, you know, sometimes kids come.

Colin: What?

Frank: There might be kids here and you know what? We’re not setting a very good example with all the language. I don’t feel like, are there any kids here tonight? Any kids at all? Here you are. What about this little, what’s your name mate? James. How old are you James? James is nine. He’s nine. You’re a role model for him.

Colin: If I’m his role model, he should get out more. I swear. There’s plenty of other role models okay?

Frank: James, I just wanna make it very clear to you okay? That um, even though we’re swearing in our show, a little bit, we’re certainly not encouraging you to ever use the word fuck.

Frank: If you said fuck James, that would be very bad. But we can say fuck because we’re in a show. In shows you can say fuck. Once, James, once we were in this show called the chickens. And it went for eight months. It was like a festival show. And it went for eight months and in the whole show all we ever did was go ‘fuck, fuck, fuck,’ it was a great show! But it was a show. Can you see the difference? You know, in a show you can say fuck, but you should never. Like for example, if your mum ever says to you ‘come on James it’s time for bed.’ Don’t turn around and go ‘that’s fuck.’ Don’t. Because if you, if you said that James, if you said that, do you know what that would be? That would be fuck. And I can say that 'cause I’m in a show. And I’m sure your father agrees with me, at least I certainly hope he does because he’s, he’s quite a large muscular man!

Frank: You’d better stop doing that mate or he’ll assault you. [Bam, bam] And he can do that cause he’s the king. He’s the sultan! [Bam, bam.]

[Trying to kill a chicken.]

Colin: What was your idea hummus boy?

Frank: You’re not gonna regret this king kong.

Colin: I hope I’m not.

[Frank retrieves the fire extinguisher and sprays the chicken.]

Colin: Hey, hey!

Frank: Gotcha!

Colin: What are you doing?

Frank: I’m eating the chicken.

Colin: You can’t kill the chicken with the fire extinguisher! That fire extinguisher is not on the island you idiot. It was from the theatre.

Frank: Col, we’re starving to death. I don’t think now is the time for rigid adherences to theatrical convention.

Colin: Look you idiot, if you can kill the chicken with the fire extinguisher that means if you want sweets you just go into the foyer and get a Kit Kat!

Frank: Well, I can’t do that 'cause I don’t have any money, because my wallet went down in the plane. Get a bit of brainage!

Colin: Give me the chicken.

Frank: No.

Colin: Give me the bird!

[Frank gives Col the middle finger.]

Frank: Have you seen Lord of the Rings?

Colin: No.

Frank: That trilogy of films, that’s the most successful trilogy of films in all history and you know why?

Colin: Why?

Frank: It had a happy ending. It won 11 Oscars 'cause it had a happy ending. 'Cause Frodo gets the ring and he throws it into the volcano at the end he destroys it. It’s a happy ending. He gets it back. Into the volcano with that big eye. I don’t know what that was all about. And he destroys it. It’s a happy ending. He goes through all those trials and tribulations but at the end he gets it back. He throws it in. it’s a happy ending. IT TOOK HIM NINE, FUCKING, HOURS! But he gets it back, he gets it in. it’s a happy ending. It’s happy. It’s a happy ending.

Frank: [Grabs the fire extinguisher.] Col, come over here.

Colin: No, don’t muck around with that okay, seriously, no seriously don’t muck around with that.

Frank: I’ve come up with a new end for the show.

Colin: Yeah, but I, look, we can talk…

Frank: You know how it ends?

Colin: Yeah, but…

Frank: It ends by me going ‘TAKE THAT!’ [Tries to spray Col with fire extinguisher. Nothing happens.] Okay, TAKE THAT ALL ONTO YA! AND YOU CAN ALL TAKE IT ON YOU! Well, that’s a bit embarrassing. Because I don’t know how to MAKE IT ALL BE TAKEN ON YA! I thought I just, must have been out of stuff. Unfortunate, isn’t it. It would have been much better if I could have made it BE ALL TAKEN ON YOU! You know. I could have made it be TAKE THAT ON YOU ON YOUR BODICE! You know. That would have been better. If I could’ve um, TAKE THAT! TAKE THAT ONTO YOUR SKIN SO YOU GET A COLD BURN WHICH I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU COULD GET UNTIL ME AND CLEM WERE MUCKING AROUND WITH THIS BEFORE THE SHOW, AND I GOT ONE!

[Colin turns and walks to the side of the stage. Frank follows.]

Frank: TAKE IT INTO YOUR KNEES! ALTHOUGH I MEAN THE BACK OF YOUR KNEES AND I DON’T KNOW IF THAT’S CALLED YOUR KNEES CAUSE NORMALLY WHEN PEOPLE SAY KNEES THEY THINK OF THE FRONT. BUT IN THIS PARTICULAR OCCASION I’M REFERING TO THE BACK!

[Colin drinks a bottle of water.]

Frank: TAKE IT ONTO YOUR PINKY SO IT FREEZES AND BECOMES A WHITEY.

[Colin finishes his drink and walks back to the centre of the stage.]

Frank: TAKE IT ONTO YOUR BACK FACE! TAKE IT ON TO YOUR RIGHT EYEBALL, SO IT FREEZES AND CAN’T MOVE AROUND, SO THEN WHEN YOU LOOK AROUND, ONLY YOUR LEFT EYEBALL MOVES, AND YOUR RIGHT EYEBALL STAYS COMPLETELY STATIONARY, AND YOU FREAK JAMES OUT!

Colin: [There’s a long pause. Colin beckons Frank over, and says rather calmly,] If all the village idiots, in all the villages, left their villages, and formed their own village - OF IDIOTS - in that village, YOU would be the village idiot. [Another pause.] Take that into your backface.

Frank: Actually Col, I think you should TAKE THAT! [He whacks Colin in the face with the extinguisher.]

Colin: I did eat him, but I didn't kill him. He was already dead when I ate him. And I ate everything there was of him. His arms, his legs, his head, his little ball bag. I ate everything, Your Honour. And it wasn’t that tasty.

Colin: The relevant thing here is that I ate Frank, but I didn't kill him. And may I say when I did eat him I had the worst diarrhoea I’ve ever had in my life. Which proves once and for all that Frank really did give me the shits!

Frank: Do you sense their enchantment?

Colin: I sense their bewilderment!

Frank: YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN'T!

Colin: Don't call me that!

Frank: You know, that's typical of you. Every single time we get into an argument, you always get so hung up on... the truth.

Colin: Out of all the audiences we’ve played to, you’d easily have to be… one of them.

Colin: I get sucked into the dickhead vortex.

Frank: C for Colin and F for –

Colin: Fuckwit.

Frank: Hi guy, try Thai high pie, bye!

Frank: He said, you sprinkle it on your shoulders and on your head, and the birds, they come and eat. And I, you know, I thought that sounded really sweet. So he sprinkled the bird seed on me, and the birds came. THEY WERE EMUS!!!

Frank: I’m a no bum talent, and you’re a no talent bum.

Frank: He turned my nanna into a scoopy bum!

Colin: Don’t you ever suck me again!

Frank: How do you come up with these ideas? Where do you find them in your, from behind your face? The Great Wall of China.