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The above Guitar Hero II song, “The Beast and the Harlot” by Avenged Sevenfold, has given Jen and me a world of trouble (and hand cramps, and finger fatigue, and piles of joyous ecstasy after a job well done and five stars earned). Over the last year, we’ve built a love/hate relationship with the band, and it’s almost like we’ve completely forgotten that their music is ghastly.

We’ve just learned that not only does the band have a new self-titled album on the horizon, but that fans can customize and upload their own guitar solo for the single, “Almost Easy.” One solo will be chosen and its author will win zzZZZzzzZZZZzZZZzzzZZan autographed guitar and chance to meet the bandzzzZZzZzZz.

We love this idea; in fact, we’d love it even more if some Amazian were to write the solo of solos, submit it to Avenged Sevenfold without barfing, and win it all. The solo could actually end up being so fricking good that the track would have to be re-recorded and sold as a special edition release with the new solo included. It would be this re-recorded version that would eventually be picked up for inclusion in Guitar Hero 4, and as we tickled the tips of our digits over its melody we would glean power from its Asianness. Oh my god, we think we’re slobbering.

There are many things at the root of DISGRASIAN’s distaste for Megadeth, the most important of which being that their classic tune “Hangar 18″ on our favorite pastime Guitar Hero II has generally been a ginormous, finger-cramping pain in our collective ass. Until recently, we’ve simply attributed the ass pain to band leader/singer Dave Mustaine–a guy whose haircut would make a Jerry Springer guest cringe,and has a chip on his shoulder the size of Montana.

I realized today that the real object of our ire should be guitarist Marty Friedman. I actually have no idea how he’s escaped our fire thus far, save for us being lazy (and quite frankly, it’s fun and pretty much the status quo to hate on Mustaine).

Incidentally, I just stumbled upon this clip of Friedman on a Japanese cooking show, displaying an uncanny penchant for the country’s language. Nonetheless, he intermittently stops handling the raw shellfish to pick up his axe and crank out a few licks (doesn’t seem very sanitary), which is, to say the least, weird.

As you may recall from last week’s post (See April 5 post: Amazian Watch: The Guitar Heroine) we at Disgrasian were rooting from all the way on the other coast for our girl Kelly Law-Yone to smoke the competition in NYC (on Megadeth’s Hanger 18, perhaps?) and show Gene Simmons why Asian ladies effin’ rock.

Kelly didn’t win, which is disappointing.

What’s worse, we hear the competition was loaded with nerves, resulting in shy performances, missed notes, and an altogether Star-Powerless evening.

MOST DISAPPOINTING is that instead of our near-Amazian, this J.W. chump took home the Grand Prize: not just (just?) the opportunity to share the stage with Gene Simmons, but an actual axe–custom-outfitted for Guitar Hero on XBOX.

I KNOW! I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING! GREATEST PRIZE EVER!

Here was J.W.’s reaction to the announcement that he won: “Wow. It’s amazing.” Ungrateful jerk!!

Let’s watch this fool ring in his celebration.

What a freakin’ waste. I can’t begin to express to you the level of my disappointment at his lack of a) Rock b) Sheer glee c) awe of the fact that tapping at five plastic buttons somehow warrants him the right to rock out with a Rock and Roll Hall of Famer d) wherewithal to use HIS NEW CUSTOM GUITAR HERO GUITAR, THE GREATEST PRIZE EVER, TO PLAY WITH THE FRONT MAN OF KISS, WHILE PLAYING A SONG IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE WORLD.

I hate him.

It should have been a Disgrasian girl.

Observe: This is how the above scene would have played out if it had been Jen, not Paul Party Pooper onstage in the champion’s spot.

MC: Jen, congratulations. You’ve won the JamFest.

JEN: OOHHHH MY GOOOODDDD! I ROCK!!! I TOTALLY ROCK!

MC: Jen, how do you feel?

JEN: I ROCK SO FUCKING HARD! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS!!!!!!!

MC: Guess what we have for you?

JEN: IT DOESN’T MATTER. NOTHING COULD MAKE THIS MOMENT ANY BETTER!!!

MC: Are you sure? Because here comes Gene Simmons.

GENE: ARRRRRR!

JEN: [disappointed] Oh hey, Gene.

GENE: YOU ROCK!

JEN: [instantly excited again] I KNOW, RIGHT?

GENE: Totally.

JEN: I’m gonna smoke you, dude.

GENE: Err… I have something for you.

JEN: Is it rolling papers? Cuz I’m gonna smoke you.

GENE: No its… this! [Reveals Item] A custom Gibson guitar outfitted for GUITAR HERO… for you to rock out on while you play GUITAR HERO II on XBOX 360 [smiles for the camera].

Xbox recently announced that they will be hosting a Guitar Hero II JamFest, in which KISS frontman Gene Simmons will face off with five of the top Guitar Hero II™ gamers in the country.

I won’t even get into how shocked and appalled I am that Jen and I were not invited to participate in this tournament of champions (my only theories being that they can’t handle seeing two bitches crank out 99% apiece on “The Beast and the Harlot”–or that someone, somewhere, has heard us talking shit about the “Strutter,” the boring-ass KISS hit that the winner is going to have to play on Co-Op mode w/ Simmons if they win…zzzZZZzZzZzz).

Instead, let me point your attention to one of the five competitors to keep your eye on in this showdown of showdowns:

Yeah! She’s a total nerd–and not one of those D&D losers, but a scarf-knitting, tech-geeking, Guitar Hero-rocking nerd. She frickin’ rocks!

…and now, meet one of her four challengers.

Ew. What a tool. This mofo needs to be taken out.

Needless to say, WE’RE BEHIND YOU, KELLY! TAKE IT HOME PLAYIN’ YYZ!! WE WISH YOU MUCH STAR POWER!!!