Sunday, January 26, 2014

2 summers ago I had the biggest crush on this girl. She was gorgeous, smart, funny, and just freaking perfect. It took me a long time to work up the courage to finally ask her out. I had planned this amazing date and we had all this flirty texting leading up to it. Everything started sooo good.

The day of the date, I had gotten a ride with my friend to and back from work. I had a few hours before I had to pick her up so I went through my whole routine: pumping out a 100 push ups, taking a shower, applying tanning spray, doing my hair, meditating, putting on my lucky pukka shell necklace, doing my hair again. All that good stuff. Then I start looking for my keys and I could not find them.

Eventually I realize that I left them at work which causes me to trash my room looking for the spare key, but I can't find it. Now I am panicking. I call my roommate to ask if I can borrow his car, but he needs to use it later, but.......but he lets me borrow it to run to my work and grab my keys and come back. I jump into his car ready to speed off but the bloody thing won't go into reverse. I twisted every knob, pushed every button, and pulled every lever I could get my hands on. Putting the car into neutral, I get out, push the car back out the parking spot and then jump in. Strategically driving so that I never had to go in reverse again, I finally get my car keys and make it back to my apartment.

Miraculously I get to my date's apartment only a few minutes late and in time to make it to our show. We had been driving for a few minutes before I finally able to relax. And that's when it hit me.

Holy Mother of Bob it smelt like BO. Like really bad. Like really really bad. I am shocked I had not noticed it before. It had to be me. This was the middle of the summer and of course my roommate's god forsaken car had no A/C. It was like a Sauna in there. During all that running, pushing, and stressing it appears I had done alot of what is known in the medical community as "Sweating your gonads off". I hadn't had time to take another shower and I had been so focused on getting to her apartment on time that I failed to realize just how disgusting I was.

Game over. Before it even started. There was no way she wasn't smelling it. Children and dogs the next county over could smell it. There is no recovering from that I don't care who you are. Rolling down the windows was an empty gesture at that point. I wanted to just turn around, take her home, apologize, douse myself in gasoline and light a match. Needless to say there was no second date.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

There are alot of tweeners in my current ward. Tweeners are girls that I'm just not sure about. Some days I think "Hey, I should ask her out" and other days I'm thinking "Nah, its not worth it". They just bounce back and forth between those two levels. I'll spend dozens of hours staring at a girls facebook profile picture, just trying to decide if she is worth the 3 hours that is a date. Its no good though, I still can't decide.

I try talking to them some more. But let's all be honest here, that's a lost cause. I always just end up back on Facebook (its more efficient that way). Maybe some of her older profile pics will swing it one way or the other?

No dice. So life drags on. To ask or not to ask. And then one day at church or in some facebook photo, out of no where (like really out from left-freaking-field) there is some dweeb holding hands with this tweener I have been agonizing over for months. I feel like Julius Ceaser on the Ides of March- stabbed in the back. How could she be so selfish? She couldn't wait until I had finished deciding if I was going to ask her on a first date before she started swapping hand sweat with this zoboomafoo? Its hurtful is what it is.

And that's when it hits you.

She's the one. She has to be. I can't stop thinking about her. How could I have been so blind? I know before she was all over me - baking me cookies, inviting me over for game nights, TOUCHING MY UPPER ARM - but I didn't know then. I know now!

It's enough to make someone want to pull one of these:

I need to win her back. I am so much better at life than that other guy. He's a math education major for crying out loud! Math education! Are you kidding me?

Some people might think that I just want what I can't have. Those people are idiots. This is love.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

So I don't know how many of you watched the CES devotional on TV tonight #CESDevo. Also, I don't know how many people left the TV on the BYU channel after it ended. But for those of you that did, you were treated to a great piece of cinema.

Okay so after the devotional the BYU channel had on "The Return to Snowy River" the sequel to fellow classic "The Man from Snowy River". I grew up watching these movies and loved them, but it has been like 15 years since that last time I watched them. For those of you who have not watched it, its basically Brokeback Mountain, but with a girl and a guy, instead of two dudes. Naaah I'm just kidding, I have no clue what the plot of Brokeback Mountain actually is........okay I just looked up the plot of Brokeback Mountain and this plot is waaaaaay different. For the plot of "The Return to the Snowy River" however, the link to the wikipedia page is here and a clip of an iconic scene is here.

Alright now that we have that out of the way. I would like to share what I learned the watching "The Return to Snowy River":

Girls like a man that is handy with a bull whip- This one seems pretty obvious. Its pretty freaking macho. No lie, I can crack a whip like its a smile. I'm telling you, I can make that thing sing like Vienna choir boy. (Did you know that the whip was the earliest man made way to break the sound barrier - true story)Guys that are good at taming horses are also good at taming women- Less obvious, but still makes sense.Pitch black horses are ballers - I feel like this is a must in movies right? Totally white horses (LOTR's Shadowfax) can also be pretty epic. Kinda spotty brown horse? Meh.

If a girl's dad doesn't like you because you are a poor "drifter" from the mountains, that shouldn't stop you- Yeah, screw him!

I want to be part of a posse- I want to be soooo bad. Riding horses in a huge group, going full speed, chasing a horse thief? That's my life's new aspiration. I actually have quite a bit of experience riding horses, but never like that.