Parent first, lecturer second: what I've learned from being both

Listen and learn from your children and keep their words in mind for the day job, says James Derounian. Photograph: Frank Baron

I vowed that I would never utter the phrase: "What do these bloody academics actually do?" Not least because I am one. But then my son and daughter went to university and it all changed.

When my son was interviewed at Glasgow School of Art, I was really impressed by the admissions tutor who flogged in through snow and weather to advise my son on his portfolio submission. And treated him as an adult. My son was bowled over and went on to spend four happy and challenging years at Glasgow. This reinforced my own approach: be approachable, do what you say you're going to do and provide the best service you can to students and staff alike.

He is now making his way as an artist but during his degree he spent a semester in Vienna and for that exchange, it very much seemed as though he was booted out to negotiate his own Erasmus experience. While in Austria he had to manage (with very little backup) an extended period during which staff were on strike. Character building, no doubt, but stressful for a young person in a foreign country and culture. Hence my exclamation of "What do these academics do?"

But again the experience was salutary. There's a lot of emphasis now on work-based learning and placements and I remain determined that those administered by my own university should provide a decent learning experience of genuine value to an individual's studies, not an excuse to wave goodbye to them for an extended absence.

So to child number two. My daughter studied languages at a university in the south of England where she had a major run-in with a member of staff because she hadn't paid to access the music department – and there was me thinking she and we were already paying through the nose towards tuition and accommodation. Things turned nasty when the tutor threatened to pursue formal proceedings. I remained in the background advising and she eventually chose to make an apology that was accepted even though the fault seemed to lie elsewhere.

Who chooses to jeopardise their finals and enter a protracted and stressful grievance procedure? Of course, it was a no-brainer. As lecturers, it's easy to forget how fragile and insecure students can be and the position of power that staff hold. Even if we look at this issue purely in terms of self-interest (and student retention), surely we should be humane, kind, attentive and helpful to our charges. It still shocks me that one colleague suggested we were mollycoddling students; that they should "eff off and get on with it". Is this the type of character you want moulding your own child?

To my colleagues with teenagers, I say: learn from them, listen to them and keep their words in mind for the day job. As with lecturing, so with parenting. Your son or daughter should decide where and what they want to study, but they can benefit from suggestions and practical support. So it is with other people's teenagers in your care.

Several undergraduates recently asked for a presentation to be rescheduled. My immediate (admin) reaction was to dig my heels in, but after some thought, I changed the day and time. Why have a collision when you can have a compromise? As for open days, why not sound out your own children to see what they are looking for from a university visit and feed that into the mix?

Then there are the boards of study that invariably include student representatives. Just look at your own teens and think how difficult it might be for them to eyeball a staff member across the table and say honestly what their lectures are like. Are we really listening to the 'student voice' or are we just paying lip service?

On a number of occasions I have turned to my university careers and finance colleagues seeking advice on my children's behalf. Invariably, they have been brilliant and generous at advising on potential career paths, form filling and ways forward. They have continued to be helpful post-graduation – my son got an interview with Damien Hirst's company as a result of a colleague spotting the advertisment and forwarding it onto me.

This has reinforced my own belief in university administration as a critical part of provision that can make or break student and staff experiences of higher education. Cherish the friendly receptionist, "I pray you remember the porter" and don't forget those in student finance.

Register too all those social, financial and hormonal challenges you witness day in day out with your pre-teens upwards. Export that knowledge and experience so that it can help you relate and respond to recent school leavers. Notice your children's fascination (read obsession) with new technologies: email, Facebook, Twitter, Skype, iPhone. Many universities are exploiting these delivery mechanisms for teaching and learning – and rightly so.

And finally, with our own children in mind, let's capitalise on the reservoir of potential, knowledge and dynamism that all our young people have.

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