Prompt: "Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve."

The following essay is for NYU and UVA through the common application. Any critique is welcome. Any additions/deletions to be made? Does it explain my wishes for transferring and my personal/educational objectives well? Thanks!

"As a graduate from my local two-year community college, I wish to transfer to a four-year university to expand my education and obtain a bachelor's degree in accounting. I seek new and intricate challenges that will help me thrive ...

I remember commenting yesterday on the words "Isolated from...." but that must have been in a different essay you wrote. I think you need to say separated from instead of isolated from. When you are isolated, I think by definition it means separated from the rest of whatever is being talked about... so I think the word isolated should be used by itself and not with the word "from."

At the end of the essay, it seems to be about diversity, but at the beginning it seems to be about getting your priorities straight. I think you need to try to use a great word or phrase to establish a theme that the reader will enjoy throughout the whole essay. :-) You write very well!

Thanks so much. Looking through my threads I do not see any comments from you? I had a hard time transitioning to the last paragraph, and actually the whole essay. I will change that to separated as that does make sense. I think I have a solid core of ideas, but I need to somehow make it a little bit "smoother." Thanks for your comments! :)

I have made some changes and included more of a "wrap up" as my last paragraph. Any feedback on the updated version? Thanks everyone!

It was three in the morning on a hot, midsummer night. I was still at work, a place without air conditioning or heat—a place where I felt separated from success. I had worked in a factory as a member of the receiving team; a full-time job with 12 hour shifts, Monday through Friday, and mandatory Saturday's. Work consumed my life. It wasn't just any job; it was a dead-end job. With a never-ending work schedule, finding time for education felt impossible. I became fed up and frustrated because I had watched family and long-time friends succeed by graduating college, and finding employment relevant to their studies. I found myself in this predicament after two failed attempts in furthering my education.

I had failed because of a lack of maturity and attendance, as well as a hearing disability that made it difficult for me to learn and comprehend. I knew that I needed to do something with my life—I knew I needed another chance to excel at a two-year school in order to transfer and pursue my dream of obtaining a bachelor's degree. In thinking about my future in a conversation with my mom, I had an epiphany. I realized that if I could work in such grueling and demanding circumstances in a job that was going nowhere, then I could use that wasted potential in fulfilling my dream.

And so I did. A week later, I quit my job and applied to Elgin Community College. I found myself—an intelligent, motivated young man that is capable of achieving my dreams. Since my enrollment at Elgin Community College I have maintained an exceptional GPA, and have continuously attended since the spring of 2009. In my accomplishments, I have made the Dean's list numerous times, and became a member of Phi Theta Kappa. Not only have I maintained academic excellence, but I also have contributed to the college by volunteering. As a recent and proud graduate from ECC with an associate's in science, I have excelled above and beyond expectations. I fully understand what I'm capable of, and seek new challenges that will help me thrive and further prosper as an outstanding student, leader, friend, and classmate.

In transferring to a four-year college, I wish to obtain a bachelor's degree in accounting. In my studies, I will receive an incomparable education from some of the nation's top professors. Furthermore, the disciplined and rigorous college curriculum will enhance my social, personal and leadership skills by providing unprecedented opportunities and resources to succeed. By taking advantage of the university's resources, I plan on gaining on-the-job accounting experience via an internship. Although completing the undergraduate program is extremely important, I plan to continue my education to achieve the ultimate goal: earning a master's degree. After successful completion of the graduate program, I will utilize my unique and disciplined skillsets in finding lucrative opportunities in governmental accounting.

Aside from my quest to obtain a degree, I hope to fortify my leadership skills by taking charge in independent and group projects by collaborating equitably with peers. Additionally, I hope to further strengthen my personal and social skills by utilizing the university's many resources to volunteer in the local community; whether it is pertinent to my career, for environmental purposes, or just for fun, as being a strong, contributing student and citizen to the university is tremendously important to me. Serving as a current member of Phi Theta Kappa, and volunteer for the Boys and Girls Club, I plan on using the skill sets acquired in these positions to strengthen the school's reputation by contributing to clubs and organizations like the math club, honors society, and accounting club.

Developing a strong companionship with a diverse community is very important to me. During my time at ECC, I have come to realize that learning in a diverse community will help teach me about other cultural backgrounds, and how they relate to me as an individual. I plan to further understand diversity as a whole, and be able to incorporate a stronger cultural understanding of the members of the global society in my studies. Since I am diverse in my own way, I plan to contribute my uniqueness to the university by meeting new people, and sharing my personal values, customs and background to others in the global community. I have found an interest in helping international students cope with their transition to the United States, and hope to be given the opportunity to help these students succeed.

I am confident that my positive academic trend is a true depiction of my character and devotion to succeeding at a four-year college—as I know that based upon acceptance, this unique opportunity will not be taken for granted. I wish to carry these trends to my transferring school, and prove that I'm able to contribute to the university, and excel as a leader. I have finally accepted the consequences of my failed attempts at higher education, and have made amends to my dark academic past. Even in the face of adversity, nothing can stop me.

I found myself—an intelligent, motivated young man that is capable of achieving my dreams.---you broke parallelism here. you need to say his dreams ...you can aldo ditch the words that is and use a comma instead

as I know that based upon acceptance, this unique opportunity will not be taken for granted. ----not a necessary phrase....too obvious

your ending sentence is weak.

you had me at the beginning then lost me the last too para i fet it got cliche with all the iversity stuff. if u actually care about that then insert a short vignette that SHOWS your love for diversity and helping others rather than just SAYING it

Thanks! I will look at yours once I finish some of my papers. I have at least 10 to do. I made some of the changes you suggested.

Here are the last two paragraphs:

During my time at ECC, I have come to realize that learning in a diverse community will enhance my knowledge of other cultures, and how they relate to me as an individual. I plan to further understand diversity as a whole, and be able to incorporate a stronger cultural understanding of the members of the global society in my studies. Taking advantage of organizations that allow me to better understand the values, customs, and backgrounds of a diverse community is extremely important to me. I relish the thought of assisting international students with the transition from overseas schools to the United States, and look forward to helping them achieve a positive and successful learning experience. I hope to gain a strong companionship with these students by sharing my own values, customs, and background with them.

I am confident that my positive academic trend is a true depiction of my character and devotion to succeeding at a four-year college—as I know that based upon acceptance, this unique opportunity will be cherished. I wish to carry these trends to my transferring school, and prove that I'm able to contribute to the university, and excel as a leader. I have finally accepted the consequences of my failed attempts at higher education, and have made amends to my dark academic past. I am ready to move on to the next phase in my incredible journey.

You said that my ending sentence was weak, is this a good way to strengthen it? If not, could you suggest anything? I also included some information about how I want to contribute and learn in a diverse community etc., but I feel that the last sentence in the second to last paragraph is weak.

I really enjoyed reading your essay, I think you did a great job at using your own story to captivate the audience, and I can definitely feel the passion in it.I only have a couple of suggestions: 1. How long is it supposed to be, it looks a little bit longer than 500 words2. It seems you used the expression dead end job too many times.3. could you post your latest post to make sure I have seen the last one If you have a sec, could you please check mine up ...keep up the good work and good luck!

All the common app says is that it has a 250 word minimum. It's a little over 800 words I believe. The new version has some of the things you mentioned.

This is the updated version:

It was three in the morning on a hot, midsummer night. I was still at work, a place without air conditioning or heat—a place where I felt separated from success. I had worked in a factory as a member of the receiving team; a full-time job with 12 hour shifts, Monday through Friday, and mandatory Saturday's. Work consumed my life. It wasn't just any job; it was a dead-end job. With a never-ending work schedule, finding time for education felt impossible. I became fed up and frustrated because I had watched family and long-time friends succeed by graduating college, and finding employment relevant to their studies. I found myself in this predicament after two failed attempts in furthering my education.

I had failed because of a lack of maturity and attendance, as well as a hearing disability that made it difficult for me to learn and comprehend. I knew that I needed to do something with my life—I knew I needed another chance to excel at a two-year school in order to transfer and pursue my dream of obtaining a bachelor's degree. In thinking about my future in a conversation with my mom, I had an epiphany. I realized that if I could work in such grueling and demanding circumstances in a job that was going nowhere, then I could use that wasted potential in fulfilling my dream.

And so I did. A week later, I quit my job and applied to Elgin Community College. I found myself—an intelligent, motivated young man, capable of achieving his dreams. Since my enrollment at Elgin Community College I have maintained an exceptional GPA, and have continuously attended since the spring of 2009. In my accomplishments, I have made the Dean's list numerous times, and became a member of Phi Theta Kappa. Not only have I maintained academic excellence, but I also have contributed to the college by volunteering. As a recent and proud graduate with an associate's in science, I have excelled above and beyond expectations. I fully understand what I'm capable of, and seek new challenges that will help me thrive and further prosper as an outstanding student, leader, friend, and classmate.

In transferring to a four-year college, I wish to obtain a bachelor's degree in accounting. In my studies, I will receive an incomparable education from some of the nation's top professors. Furthermore, the disciplined and rigorous college curriculum will enhance my social, personal and leadership skills by providing unprecedented opportunities and resources to succeed. By taking advantage of the university's resources, I plan on gaining on-the-job accounting experience via an internship. Although completing the undergraduate program is extremely important, I plan to continue my education to achieve the ultimate goal: earning a master's degree. After successful completion of the graduate program, I will utilize my unique and disciplined skillsets in finding lucrative opportunities in governmental accounting.

Aside from my quest to obtain a degree, I hope to fortify my leadership skills by taking charge in independent and group projects by collaborating equitably with peers. Additionally, I hope to further strengthen my personal and social skills by utilizing the university's many resources to volunteer in the local community; whether it is pertinent to my career, for environmental purposes, or just for fun, as being a strong, contributing student and citizen to the university is tremendously important to me. Serving as a current member of Phi Theta Kappa, and volunteer for the Boys and Girls Club, I plan on using the skill sets acquired in these positions to strengthen the school's reputation by contributing to clubs and organizations like the math club, honors society, and accounting club.

During my time at ECC, I have come to realize that learning in a diverse community will enhance my knowledge of other cultures, and how they relate to me as an individual. I plan to further understand diversity as a whole, and be able to incorporate a stronger cultural understanding of the members of the global society. Taking advantage of organizations that allow me to better understand the values, customs, and backgrounds of a diverse community is extremely important to me. I relish the thought of assisting international students with the transition from overseas, and look forward to helping them achieve a positive and successful learning experience in the United States. I hope to gain a strong companionship with these students by sharing my own values, customs, and background with them.

I am confident that my positive academic trend is a true depiction of my character and devotion to succeeding at a four-year college—as I know that based upon acceptance, this unique opportunity will be cherished. I wish to carry these trends to my transferring school, and prove that I'm able to contribute to the university, and excel as a leader. I have finally accepted the consequences of my failed attempts at higher education, and have made amends to my dark academic past. I am ready to move on to the next phase in my incredible journey.

Although completing the undergraduate program is extremely important, I plan to continue my education to achieve the ultimate goal: earning a master's degree. After successful completion of the graduate program, I will utilize my unique and disciplined skillsets in finding lucrative opportunities in governmental accounting.

I hope to fortify my leadership skills by taking charge in independent and group projects by collaborating equitably with peers.

I relish the thought of assisting international students with the transition from overseas, and look forward to helping them achieve a positive and successful learning experience in the United States. I hope to gain a strong companionship with these students by sharing my own values, customs, and background with them.

and conclusion are making your essay outstanding. I think the universities are going to welcome you after reading you essay. :)

BTW, please check mine, I am also an international transfer student and applying by common application. The essay is for Standford University.