Tag Archives: food allergy

I’ve talked before about my miserable meat allergy. Lately it has seemed to be getting better and I started to let my guard down. Last night it attacked in full force, and if I’d thought I could make it to the ER without shitting my pants, I would’ve gone.

We ate dinner at a family restaurant where we’ve eaten tons of times before. I ordered mashed potatoes and gravy. I’m thinking the gravy was the culprit – maybe cooked with sausage or bacon grease. Who knows.

Anyway, we weren’t even home yet before my stomach starting cramping horribly. I was squirming all over the seat, holding my poor belly, and yelling at my husband to hurry up.

He very calmly pointed out that he was going as fast as he could and I very irately pointed out that that wasn’t nearly fast enough. I was dying, HELLO?

We made it to my grandma’s house, which is only about a mile from my own, when I couldn’t wait any longer. I told him to pull over and let me out. I ran barefooted into the house and curled up in a ball of misery on her bathroom floor. I’m sure they thought I was crazy.

My mom showed up and I didn’t even care that she barged in on me in the bathroom, because I just knew the pain was going to kill me.

After throwing up and doing some other disgusting business, the pain kept on. Then I turned bright red from my head to my toes. My skin burned like I was on fire and anywhere I was touched hurt. It was like all my nerve endings were on the outside of my skin. I was freezing, but couldn’t stand for anything to touch me. I was swelling up, but not having trouble breathing. I took Benadryl and prayed and cried and prayed.

You know something bad is happening when you find yourself laying naked on the bathroom floor crying and it’s not even your bathroom.

I comforted myself by telling a story in my head of how heroic I was in overcoming this deadly allergy and the medal I would get once I survived. But then my daydream took a turn for the worse because they gave my medal to someone named Tracy. It was bullshit. It was also my daydream, so I don’t even know how that happened. That bitch Tracy needs to get her own fantasy.

So I guess that kind of gives you an idea of my state of mind during an allergic reaction. I rip all my clothes off and moan and have delusions. Good thing we at least made it to my grandma’s, because doing all that in the restaurant might have been awkward.

Do you have any weird allergies? When you’re really sick, do you make up stories to entertain yourself? Do you know this Tracy?

It's easy to share this post. Not like sharing pie. I would never ask you to share pie.

Commonly known as the Vampire Asshat of the insect world, ticks feed off the blood of their innocent victims. If you are not lucky enough to live in an environment where ticks, chiggers, snakes, and other horrible slithery-crawly things abound, let me give you a visual.

Actual size may vary. Generally the size of a freckle, not a baseball as depicted above.

This guy is the neighbor who comes over uninvited, unannounced, irritates your pets, and makes you uncomfortable and twitchy. This little creep latches on and sucks your blood. Hello? How is that not a vampire? It is. Just because it doesn’t sparkle is no reason to write off this tiny killer.

I’ve bitched written about my allergy to meat before. Well, this is the little bastard that caused the allergy:

viracor.com

The Lone Star Tick. The cruelest and most evil insect of them all. The one that turns you…VEGAN. *gasp* *pause for shock and awe* *nods head wisely but with visible sadness.* *looks stoic and perhaps a bit romantic*

Right?! This shit is just effing ridiculous. (That may be the first time I’ve ever typed effing. It doesn’t feel right.)

But I digress. Here are the facts about this bitch ass tick who stole my steak:

1. Little motherfuckers are found everywhere. It is all over the US and in Australia and other countries where ticks are known to live. My yard is a popular gathering place for ticks. I believe it may be the Cabo of creepy things I’d rather live without.

2. Everyone who gets bit by a Lone Star tick is not gong to get this allergy. And it comes in different levels, kind of. Because I have always been an overachiever, I am not fucking around with this allergy. If I have to be allergic to mammals, I’m taking that shit all the way. Ye-ah, I will WIN at allergies. Yep.

3. The allergy is Alpha-Gal IgE — it’s a reaction to a sugar-protein called Galactose-alpha-1,3-galactose. Some people have struggled with it for over 20 years, but research has only been done on this allergy for about the last 5 years. (Basically, no one knows shit yet, except keep Benadryl and an Epi-Pen handy so you won’t die.) Alpha-Gal.org has what little information there is on this allergy.

4. The AG allergy made me allergic to anything that comes from a mammal, including milk and animal byproducts which are in EVERYTHING. Yes, I am aware of how insane that sounds. No, I am not making it up.

5. Basically at this point the only things I can eat safely are fresh fruits and vegetables, along with chicken, turkey, and fish. (I hate fish.) (It’s growing on me.)

So, all this from a fucking tick? The researchers think so. Not many doctors even know about this yet, so it was hard to get the diagnosis until my blood tests came back positive for beef and pork allergies.

My doctor looked me square in the face after I described an allergic reaction with trouble breathing (anaphylaxis) and asked me if I knew that sometimes a “hard poop can make you break a sweat and feel like something is wrong.”

Oh no he didn’t. (Yes, he actually did. Fucker.) I guess at 34 I know the difference between taking a shit and not being able to breathe.

Some days I handle it better than others. Some doctors say it will go away in time (my allergist said possibly 5 to 7 years without any new bites) but some say it won’t. I just got three new bites this weekend, while wearing bug spray and walking in a yard that had been treated for ticks.

And, I just realized, like right this second, that humans are mammals too so there goes any chance of survival if I were ever in some sort of situation where I had to eat a person to live. Fuck.

Do you have any weird allergies? Has your doctor ever treated you like you were a fucking five-year-old? Do you think you could handle a diet like mine, or are you already a super healthy eater without being forced into it? What are your thoughts on cannibalism? (J/K, please don’t eat anybody.)

It's easy to share this post. Not like sharing pie. I would never ask you to share pie.

As you know, assuming you’ve been reading this blog religiously, as you should be, I have been going through some dietary changes. I’m going to refer to this as the Foodpocalypse. Because it fucking sucks and, also, because I can.

Anyway. I’ve been looking at apps on my phone to help me determine just what the fuck is in the food I eat, in an effort to stay alive and not be so damn hungry.

In my app search I have NOT found anything useful. I have found some very disturbing apps which I am going to list here, because I am bored good at sharing.

1. Massager. By Hooha. I don’t think I need to explain this one.

2. How To Get Pregnant (Here’s a tip, if you’re using your phone on your hooha, you’re doing it wrong.)

3. Am I Fat? Seriously? You need an app for that?

4. App of Death “The test performed does not indicate that you’ll die…it’s just a prediction….stay calm.” O-kay.

5. How to Grow Taller This one is by the same person who also knows How to French Kiss,How to be a Hipster, and also How to Call in Sick. A certifiable very knowledgeable person, this one.

Gotta run. App of Death just finished downloading, so I may or may not be back later.

It's easy to share this post. Not like sharing pie. I would never ask you to share pie.

Like this:

Well, all the tests are back and it is official, I am now allergic to meat. Thank you Lone Star tick, you little bastard.

If you don’t know what in the hell I’m talking about, Google “alpha-gal.”

I’m happy to know I’m not a nutcase (regarding this issue; I am very aware that I am, in fact, mostly crazy).

It has long been my rule that if it lived in water at any time, it does not go on my plate. Clearly, I’m going to have to reassess. Yesterday I had chocolate pie for breakfast. This doesn’t seem like a good long-term plan.

It's easy to share this post. Not like sharing pie. I would never ask you to share pie.

I have almost died four times in the last two weeks. I may be exaggerating a little. But maybe not. It’s been bad. Wtf, y’all, is this even legal?? I am on an all Pop Tart and coffee diet until further notice.

It's easy to share this post. Not like sharing pie. I would never ask you to share pie.

This is all MY stuff. Don’t take my stuff.

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