Tuesday, May 26, 2009

It's episode five, hooray! All the models are excited because they can count up to that number using all the fingers on one hand, and it's much less confusing. So to celebrate, they decide to throw a fancy dress party for the opening flashback montage, the theme of which is "disco drag queen".

Well, can YOU explain this makeup? Didn't think so.

The flashback this week is extra enjoyable - not only because we get to watch Mikarla being kicked out again, but because of Cassi's enthralling performance of her new one act play, "I don't deserve this".

"I'm the one that tries the least in this house, it's only because I produce good photos that I'm here," she wails, putting a self-congratulatory spin on her self-loathing.

It's a top performance - the only criticism being that sniffling, scrunching up one's face and speaking in a broken voice isn't a substitute for ACTUALLY crying. People can usually tell you're faking it when wet stuff isn't coming out of your eyes. So next time, Cassi, think of something ACTUALLY sad - like a puppy being thrown out a window, or Clare having a shower - and the tears will come.

Without tears to give her performance credibility, Cassi has to continue the charade of "feeling unworthy" by announcing that she wants to go home, a suggestion which is greeted by absolute indifference by pretty much everyone. See ya, Cassi! Don't gain any endearing features on the way out now, will you?

Clearly whoever bought that robot in last week's episode had some change left over from Toys R Us as this week's Sarah Mail is delivered courtesy of some crappy plastic farm animals with the models' faces glue-stick-ed on. As always, the special effects in this show are SECOND TO NONE.

Budget-busting effects are what make ANTM great.

Not nearly enough comedy is made of the fact that Laura is a dog and Madison is a cow, but that's more than made up for by Lola's impromptu impression of "an animal", which she believes will stand her in good stead for whatever barnyard photo shoot they're being sent off on.

Squeal like a pig, girl!

With this masterpiece of method acting in mind, all the models are packed off to some farm to meet Blondie McPins, one of the dudes from Hot Chip and the bikie from the Village People in what will prove to be one of ANTM's stupidest ever segments.

One of these people looks uncomfortable for a good reason.

"We saw Sarah there and we thought 'Yeah OK, this is different'," ponders Lola, possibly referring to the fact that Sarah is ALWAYS there and there is absolutely NOTHING different about this situation at all. Except for the presence of a member of a gay 1970s pop band.

The bikie actually turns out to be their photographer for the day and is called "Justin Spittle", a name that sounds rather gloriously Dickensian. I hope against hope that he'll come to the shoot in a frock coat and top hat and rap the girls across their knuckles with a cane when they pose the wrong way.

Hot Chip man, who is actually called a stylist called Boon (or Poon, I couldn't quite hear) tells the girls they'll be putting on animal costumes for a shoot that will be "very Italian Vogue".

"When he says Italian Vogue, I think he really means Italian Vogue," explains Blondie, clearing up any confusion there may have been about what "Italian Vogue" means.

As it turns out, "Italian Vogue" is actually shorthand for "batshit crazy", as all the models change into furry costumes and set about getting their faces mutilated with makeup that looks like it has been applied by a drunk five year old.

The rare and endangered Moronicus Uglyfus.

It is about this time that the five and a half people watching at home who didn't work it out as soon as we met Spittle and Poon start to realise that this is perhaps a wind up - a conviction that is not dispelled by the makeup artists who are NOT EVEN TRYING to make their terrible work look believable. Fortunately, the models aren't quite as sharp, and take the whole thing very seriously. Is there anything funnier than someone dressed as a donkey trying to look sexy while reclining on a bale of hay? I think not.

Barnyard shoot in a nutshell:

Poon tells Lola she has "transgender feet", a criticism she deals with remarkably well - by saying "thank you" and then mouthing "f*cking dickhead" under her breath. Lola, I think I love you.

Cassi describes Poon as being "mentally insane" and having "an anger problem" - both judgements she is more than qualified to make, especially in her latest guise as a bogan Amy Winehouse.

They tried to make me go to anger management classes, I said no, no, no...

Clare stumbles around in an oversized tiger suit while grappling with a screaming piglet in what looks like a scene from Winnie the Pooh themed horror film "Night in the Hundred Acre Wood".

"Everyone's going to look at this shot, and it's going to be shit, and it's going to be your fault," spits Spittle at Cassi, who is dressed as a leopard with purple lips. That is all.

The models do a costume change and emerge in flannelette shirts and boots, and huddle together on the floor with a bunch of pigs in what looks like an outtake from Deliverance.

Blondie McPins streaks in from nowhere and lets all the models in on the BIG SECRET that the photo shoot is all a set up. Italian Vogue starts launching legal proceedings.

After a quick dip and shear, the models are hurried off to some bar somewhere to meet "diamond man" Nicola Cerrone. Tahnee is saddened to discover he's not actually made of diamond, but simply sells them. After already discovering she won't actually be in Italian Vogue dressed as a cow, that's the second time she's been let down today.

After laying around on hay bales for most of the morning, the models are now told they have to go to a party and lay around on slabs of ice wearing diamonds - ICE, GET IT? - while the 12 guests who bothered to RSVP stand around drinking champagne and ignoring them.

"We're going from squealing pigs all the way through to chic and expensive," says Pease Porridge in what would appear to be a non sequitur but has the added bonus of allowing me to do this:

I KNOW he didn't technically say it, but it still counts, OK?

Ice party in a nutshell:

Clare straps what looks like a diamond encrusted medieval torture device to her neck and leans on an ice angel, in the embodiment of what could potentially be a lyric from a Meatloaf song.

Cassi goes for top spot in the predictability awards by whingeing that Clare has an easy ice sculpture to work with. Coming in second place is today's rain, which fell directly after dark storm clouds filled the sky.

Madison helpfully explains why Cerrone jewellery is so expensive by comparing it to her mum's wedding ring. "That's just got one diamond, and this is like, shitloads," she says. Ahhh, now I understand!

"When you first get on it it feels like it burns, like it's burning your skin," says Tahnee in that strange way she's developed where she stares straight ahead, wide-eyed, and speaks in a monotone voice as though she's a member of some sort of cult. I assume she's talking about the ice, but who knows. Tahnee creeps me out.

Franky straddles the ice slab and does a passable impression of Kate Winslet at the end of Titanic, when she's freezing to death in the Atlantic.

Sadly, everyone resists the urge to stick their tongue to any of the ice sculptures, but Lola comes close by attempting to freeze her ear to one. She looks perfectly gorgeous until it's time to stop, and she stands up and wipes her nose with the back of her hand like a brickie's labourer in drag. See how ice can distort reality?

For managing to glue her face to a slab of ice without looking like something from the Sydney fish market, Lola is declared the winner and is given a hideous heart shaped pendant that looks like something you'd get inside a Kinder Surprise. Except it's not, because it's worth $2000. Go figure.

In an effort to keep her Queen of Predictability championship crown firmly on her head, Cassi explains how she's not jealous of Lola winning because she doesn't wear silver, she wears gold. And she knows it's gold because she bought it at Goldmark.

The girls arrive back at Model HQ to find someone has helpfully filled up their suitcases with dirt and left them in the foyer. Could this be Mikarla's revenge for the "Maccers bag o' butts" incident last week? Sadly no - it seems the girls are "going earthy", according to the accompanying Sarah Mail, and they are instructed to "pack their bags". What, with soil? This of course can only mean one thing - the girls are being sent off to live in a giant biodome where they will cultivate genetically modified vegetables and recreate the entire human race from scratch with a band of gypsy male models.

Everyone seems more excited than you'd think possible at the news they're all flying economy Virgin Blue to Adelaide, except for Cassi, who decides anything would be better than that and stomps off to whinge to her mum on the phone about wanting to go home.

Here's how Cassi's mum approaches the topic:

MUM: Cassi my dear, you know not what you do for you are but young. You will regret it if you leave - trust your mother and stay in the competition. I love you.

Here's Cassi's interpretation of it:

"She yelled and screamed at me and didn't have any support for me for like, the millionth time in my whole life AGAIN."

Mothers can be so troublesome, can't they? Always full of good advice and not letting you do stupid things and stuff. Sigh.

And with that, it's heave-away, haul-away (but probably mostly heave), they're off to South Australia.

"We're flying over red dirt and nothing," marvels Laura, who has clearly already declared SA "terra nullius", blissfully unaware that it is home to one and a half million people.

Although having said that they're soon packed off to Parachilna, about six hours out of Adelaide, where "red dirt and nothing" pretty much sums up the landscape, so perhaps Laura was onto something.

The population of Parachilna is two - this bloke, and the tumbleweed.

Now, I've been to Parachilna and I have to say despite the lack of pretty much everything, it's a very cool place. The sunsets are absolutely magnificent, and the Prairie Hotel (which is about the only structure in town) is utterly fabulous, serving boutique beers and gourmet "outback" food in a casual, relaxed environment. (by the way, Prairie owners, if you happen to be reading this, gee I'd love to try out your accommodation...)

There's just one small drawback. You know in Summer when you throw a barbecue, and all of a sudden a million flies come out of nowhere and descend upon your food, and you find yourself exclaiming "Where did THEY come from??"? The answer is Parachilna.

For some reason, there is a constant National Fly Convention being staged in Parachilna. They have delegates fly in from all over the world to discuss new strategies on how to ruin barbecues and avoid Mortein. If you stand still in Parachilna for longer than five seconds, this is what happens:

I know, because this is a picture of one of my mates standing still in Parachilna in January. It was a dare. She won a beer.

Add to the mix searing heat, red dust, lingerie and angry Cassi and you've got the recipe for THE BEST PHOTO SHOOT EVER.

"This is AWESOME!" shrieks Cassi as she spies the decidedly spartan sleeping quarters they've been assigned, proving that while she might whinge a lot, at least she's easily pleased. She'll be so upset when she finds out there are no crocs to wrestle.

Lying on each of their pillows is a cheap polyester g string, which gives the bunk-bed filled dorms a renewed air of seediness, along with a Sarah Mail that says... well who cares, what it says, I think it's fairly obvious what's happening here.

"We were trying to figure it out and we just had no idea," says Adele while simultaneously posting off her application to join MENSA.

For the rest of the nation, it's no surprise when the girls are dragged out into the desert to meet a photographer and Pease Porridge for a lingerie shoot. Hang on, did I say Pease? I meant Brad Pitt, circa Thelma and Louise.

OK, maybe not.

And so... um... gosh, I've forgotten what I was talking about now... Umm... where were we? Oh that's right:

Mmm. Definitely a different hat.

Sorry, had to check that. Anyway, Pease Pitt tells the modelettes their photo shoot isn't JUST about getting half naked and showing off some lacy bits of polyester - oh NO! It's more than that. It's about a STORY. And "delivering emotionally" on that story. So what IS this enthralling story the models must act out emotionally? Allow Pease, the storyteller, to enlighten you:

"You're with a male model, you're travelling in a car, you're in the middle of the outback and it's so hot the car breaks down..."

Ohhh yes, Pease, go on....

"He takes off his shirt, and so do you..."

Yes... OH YES!

"You reveal some beautiful lingerie..."

OH YES, PEASE, YES!

"You're looking for water, and that's where the story begins," he finishes.

Out now through ANTM publishing.

Truly an engaging story, and one to which we can all relate - many's the time I've been travelling through the outback with my male model friend when I've been forced to strip down to my knickers in order to fix the car. In fact I'm not entirely convinced this is a lingerie shoot shoot after all - it might as well be a COMMUNITY SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT on what to do if your car breaks down in the desert: remain calm, stay with the car and strip to your unmentionables. Basic survival rules.

Community service announcement masquerading as a lingerie shoot in a nutshell:

Seconds after starting, the shoot is shut down when Clare takes off her shirt and temporarily blinds the photographer and all the crew from sun glare.

Clare quickly revises her character from "vulnerable and frightened girlfriend" to "fed up, ripped off hooker" when wardrobe dresses her in a black lace teddy, massive hoop earrings and shiny orange mini. You know, the stuff you normally wear to do roadtrips in the desert.

Laura wanders on set looking like a Barbie doll that's been stuffed into a condom. The photographer tells her to look "pissed". I can't wait to see this photo.

Adele sets the Slip, Slop, Slap movement back about 30 years by posing on top of an oil drum in not much more than a bra while the sun beats down mercilessly on her alabaster skin. I have no idea what anyone says during this segment, because all I can hear is my mother's voice in my head shrieking "PUT ON A HAT, YOU SILLY GIRL!"

Madison says she feels "lightheaded". Perhaps because there's nothing actually IN her head.

The photgrapher tells Madison she needs to work out what to do about the flies that keep zooming inside her mouth. Never one to miss a chance to say something overtly sexual and highly inappropriate to a young woman, Pease reminds her the choice is "spit or swallow". Classy, Pease.

While everyone else is cavorting around in lacy bras and frilly knickers with a hunky male model, for some reason Lola is stuck in some support underwear that looks like it's been designed by industrial engineers, and made to sit in the dirt. Something about this seems rather unfair.

Franky is poured into a black leotard with spiky epaulettes and stomps around on top of a rusty jalopy in what could easily be a poster for Mad Max 4: Tina Turner Aint Got Nuttin' On Me.

Cassi spends her hair and makeup time revising her understanding of the Stanislavsky method to allow her to "emotionally deliver" on the compelling storyline Pease has developed, but in the end finds it rather easy to deliver "angry".

Proving that she may just be the only modelette with any brains whatsoever, Cassi is the only girl to suggest a shot in which the sexy-as-all-get-out male model holds her off the ground. Perhaps we're underestimating you, Cassi...

Suddenly, out of nowhere a couple of outback-ridin' cowboys trot into shot to deliver the girls a Sarah Mail. They've clearly been riding for days, as they look exhausted, and it's a miracle they managed to even FIND the girls out there in the middle of the desert like that and... Oh.

What do you mean they were just waiting out of shot until their cue was called? That's not out of shot!

Well anyway, the Sarah Mail announces the entirely unsurprising news that it's time for elimination, to which all the models react with utter surprise and a chorus of "OY MOY GOURD"ing. As usual.

In the interim, Cassi decides she's going to stay in the competition. Raise hands everyone who gives a shit....? Right, moving on.

So it's off to the elimination warehouse, or rather - woolshed, as they're out in the country and stuff and everything has to be yokel-themed this week. All the judges are there, looking so groomed and shiny like they've just breezed out of an air conditioned vehicle 10 minutes before shooting because... well, they have.

There's Blondie McPins, looking like the kind of annoyingly beautiful woman who doesn't sweat OR perspire; Identity Dawson, the "Glamazon of the Desert" (why oh WHY did they not invite Priscilla to this elimination??); Alex Perry, whose head refuses to shine this week despite the weather providing the perfect opportunity to, and my favourite ANTM photographer ever Russell James. Why is he my favourite? Because he made Demelza look like an alien in last year's series, and he looks a bit like Scott Hicks crossed with Iggy Pop, and he's just generally awesome.

Before we get to the picture bitch, can I just say WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THE MODELETTES' ELIMINATION OUTFITS? AND WHY ARE THEY NEVER PICKED UP ON IT? Not an episode of America's Next Top Model goes by without Tyra and Miss J having a crack at someone's elimination outfit - "Oooh Miss Thing, you look like a HOT mess!" - but our girls can turn up in their best Supre and Goldmark and no one bats an eyelid.

Anyway, let's picture bitch:

Blondie tells Lola she should be an actor, which is meant to be a compliment. Except Lola is in a MODELLING competition, so...

Everyone goes ga-ga over Tahnee's photo, except for me, who decides it makes her mouth look tiny, her teeth look "bucked" and her neck non-existent.

Clare looks like a sexy string of cold cooked spaghetti dangling from a stick in the desert. Whether or not this will sell lingerie, only time will tell.

Pezza describes Clare as "expensive in the outback" - so that spaghetti probably has truffle oil on it.

Again?

Madison's shot consists of her standing in the middle of nowhere in only a shirt and bra, looking angry. The words "sexual assault victim" spring to mind.

Dawson tells Cassi her photo is so divine it makes her want to cry. Somehow I think Cassi could have made her cry no matter WHAT she thought of the photo, courtesy of her two fists, but anyway...

Laura's photo manages to transform her from Barbie doll in a condom to Real Doll in a condom. Given the photo shoot required them to strip to their lingerie and roll around in hot sand I'd say this is fairly in keeping with the vibe of the day.

Pezza describes Adele as looking like "expensive sex", which begs the question - what experience does he have in this arena?

"I think she understands how not to make a shot look like it's soft porn," says Pezza of Franky's photo. Of course, it helps when you're dressed like a bad-ass futuristic robot-killer, as opposed to an underwear-clad "girlfriend" hanging off a male model.

As usual, it comes down to just two: Laura the Real Doll and Madison the Angry Girl. Blondie tells Laura she's not the entire package - luckily, Laura can explain realdoll.com's shipping terms and conditions and vows to get her a refund, and so Madison is kicked out the door instead, sent back to Adelaide in the back of a rusted old ute. Hope she's wearing good underwear...

Finished? NOT BY HALF, YOU'RE NOT. Leave me a comment (please?) and then head over to Jo Blogs to see what she has to say about all of this. Go on.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Ding! Ding! It's round four of the model massacre - ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLE?

In the ring tonight is LOOOOOOLA THE SUPERJAW, MENTAL HAIR MAAAAAAAAADISON and ELLLLLOISE - THE AMAZING PERSONALITY FREE GIRL!

But first, let's take another look at last week's knockout punch, courtesy of CAAAAASSI THE BOGANATOR:

MAJOR ANGERNESS.

Flashing back to last week we say goodbye to Georgie for what feels like the 500th time this series (honestly, the only time that girl was on screen was when she was on the verge of, or actually being, kicked out).

"In my eyes, I just see that as one less person to compete against," says Adele, proving once and for all that she is the mathematical brain of the group.

All the models make misguided comments about how it was unfair Georgie was booted because "she was working so hard". Guess what girls, no one gives a shit how hard you work. As long as you're effortlessly gorgeous and charming and take good pictures, you'll win. Got it?

Back at the model mansion, a not-very-well-thought-out Sarah Mail delivery is unfolding, courtesy of a toy robot with an envelope sticky-taped to its hand that is taking approximately seven and a half hours to cross the courtyard. After some creative editing and the second instalment of the "Pretending to Wake Up" play the models have been working on over the last three weeks, the letter is finally delivered.

"Be elegant and not automated," reads Eloise, which immediately sends me into my own demented flashback - all the way back to ANTM season 3 episode 4... DON'T STOMP, BE ELEGANT... OH GOD, IT'S MINK TIME.

Remember her?

Yes, it's catwalk week, the week in which everyone straps on heels and attempts to walk in a straight line while being yelled at without falling over. If you rent the unedited director's cut of The Karate Kid you'll find that's one of the tricks Mr Miyagi taught Daniel in the original film, along with wax on, wax off and painting the fence. They cut it in the end because IT'S SO FUCKING EASY.

Mikarla suffers a slight brain haemmorage and asks Cassi to take some time out from punching walls to teach her how to walk. Cassi obliges by stomping around in the garage and almost falling over while pulling poses you wouldn't even see in a Harris Scarfe catalogue. It is fair to say that Cassi knows stuff all about catwalk modelling.

The ANTM producers then break several licensing laws by herding a bunch of under 18 girls into a nightclub in Kings Cross to walk up and down a plank of wood, the only difference between this and a normal Saturday night being that it's day time, and the drinks fridge is locked. Pity - I feel a few Bacardi Breezers could have improved Cassi's walk no end (or at the very least provided her with an excuse).

Blondie McPins is there to greet them, looking far classier than what her surrounds appear to dictate is the norm at this joint, and then there's Mink. Or rather, what appears to be a wax rendering of the woman formerly known as Mink.

Don't stand her too close to the heater.

"Holy shit on fire!" gasps Mikarla.

"WHERE?!" shrieks Wax-Mink as she bolts for the nearest exit in fear of melting. A crew member turns up the air conditioning just in case.

Wax-Mink busts out some old bollocks about "owning the catwalk" and "making your walk your own" (as opposed to borrowing someone else's for the day, which is really inconvenient if they want to go out somewhere) and then the pointless parade begins. (By the way, is anyone else wondering why we're in a nightclub for this, as opposed to ooh, ANYWHERE with a flat surface? Just checking.)

Catwalk challenge in a nutshell:

"All I could think was crap, crap, crap, crap, shit, crap, crap," spews Clare, while Cassi wonders what ELSE one is supposed to ever think about.

Feeling more and more detached from her bogan roots, Cassi cleverly sneaks in some headbanging while pretending to do an impression of Clare on the catwalk.

If you look closely you can see the earpiece through which she's listening to Cold Chisel's Greatest Hits.

Mink tells Cassi she looks like she's riding a horse. "We're not at the rodeo, honey," she jeers. That's right, we're in a SEEDY KINGS CROSS NIGHTCLUB and DON'T YOU FORGET IT.

Eloise is told she has no personality, criticism which, coming as it does from a wax figurine, seems a little rich.

Lola's walk is described as "very masculine". Er, are you sure, Mink? The Kinks didn't think so.

Proving that when you're onto a good thing you should stick to it, Mink also criticises Madison for "walking like a man". If she has a go at Pease too, I'm outta here.

All the girls are forced to change into difficult-to-manage "hort ka-choor", and in a TOTALLY BIZARRE COINCIDENCE, stiff-walking Madison is forced to put on a skin-tight, floor-length PVC ball gown. That should make it easier for her.

On the other hand, in what would seem to be A TOTALLY UNFAIR ADVANTAGE Cassi's "difficult to manage" outfit consists of a singlet top and a pleated skirt. Explanations for this can be posted to What The? c/o GPO Box 5020, Howunfairisthat, SA.

"Did we see something we weren't supposed to see there?" asks Blondie as Tahnee flips open the front of her dress, prompting thousands of teenage boys to hit rewind on their Tivos.

"Sarah Murdoch is going to see my boobs!" squeals Clare. The same teenage boys make a mental note to tune into ANTM EVERY SINGLE WEEK from now on.

Lending even more credence to the rumour that she is the offspring of Alamela the modelbot from the 2008 series, Adele bravely takes on the brief of "Daft Punk on holiday", teaming some colurful cabana wear with a fetching robot mask.

The ultimate in sun protection.

The pointless parade test over, Blondie tells all the girls to turn around and check out their next big surprise...

"What? Guys, what is it? Hey, guys?"

...SOME PIECES OF PAPER CUT INTO THE SHAPE OF FEET! WOW! Honestly, the special effects on this show are second to none, they really are.

The modelettes follow the feet out the door to a poster which announces they're going to be "transported".

Yes, just in case taking a bunch of underage girls to a Kings Cross nightclub wasn't inapropriate enough, the ANTM producers have made the intelligent decision to shove them into the middle of the Sydney produce markets at 4am to make them parade on the back of a truck in front of a horde of hairy old men on forklifts.

Identity Dawson is there to greet them with Pease Porridge, looking like a private school headmistress who's just busted one of her teenage pupils wagging.

"Aww honest miss, I was gunna go to class later, serious!"

"Not perfect conditions" is how they describe the morning's challenge, conveniently leaving out such descriptive words as "underage", "sexually exploitative", "totally distasteful" and "a new low for ANTM".

16 year old Clare is the only one who looks even slightly perturbed by the idea, and is therefore made to look like the scaredy-cat prude of the group, rather than A YOUNG GIRL WHO IS BEING MADE TO FEEL INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE BY A PACK OF JEERING MEN WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER. Clare for PM.

In a clever tactic to avoid having her legs, arse and boobs stared at, Cassi adopts a completely crazy walk to divert attention. It works.

Franky almost shows her melons to all the fruit workers, courtesy of a dress made out of minced up road signs, and therefore gets the biggest cheer.

Meanwhile, Upskirt.com suddenly gets an influx of 1500 new photos.

Something tells me they're not taking pictures to add to their supermodel scrapbooks.

Suddenly, one of the big burly forklift drivers jumps up on stage in a ruffled blue cocktail dress and stomps down the runway and... oh wait, that's Lola.

Eloise finally gains some personality courtesy of a platinum blonde bob wig. But can they staple it to her head and keep it there forever?

Mikarla looks about as exciting as a squashed up banana skin on the packing room floor until she stacks it on the stairs leading off the runway and gains the biggest cheer of the day, as well as an impromptu impression from Dawson:

One of the many facial expressions Botox allows you to do.

Tahnee wins the challenge and chooses Adele to share the $10,000 worth of sausage rolls and Twisties at the corner shop with her. Mikarala has a cry about wanting to be in the house, or not wanting to be in the house, or not winning a sausage roll or something, and Cassi does the obligatory "Oym so sick of living with a bunch of girls" phone call home to her boyfriend. Right before she decides to demonstrate her love of Hitchcock by re-enacting the shower scene from Psycho with Clare.

"I was in the shower and she came bursting in, turned the shower off and started yelling at me," mews Clare, who is starting look more and more like Janet Leigh by the second.

NORMANNNNNNNNNNNNN!?

The resident film studies discussion group of the house is shocked - no one even knew Cassi liked Hitchcock! After a brief dicussion about the appropriateness of interrupting someone else's shower for no apparent reason, they get onto deconstructing the director's use of mise en scene to create mood. Next week: Cassi recreates The Birds.

Oh wait, she's already done that...

The next 10 minutes are filled with an advertisement for The Corner Shop, in which Tahnee and Adele spend a heap of money on clothing they'll never be able to wear because they're schoolgirls who probably never go out to anything, ever.

Fortunately, my soul is uplifted by the models' next challenge in which they are sent off to an abandoned tram barn in the middle of nowhere that has only recently been cleared of homeless people and junkies. (Honestly, are they trying to bump these girls off or what?)

Pease explains they're going to do a photo shoot for "U by Kotex" to launch new packagaing for "the product". The ad director tells them what "U by Kotex" is all about - confidence, being alluring, sassy and cheeky. The girls are put in long dresses and made to walk in front of a graffitied wall. At no point does anyone use the word "tampon". Welcome to the world's most surreal tampon advertisement.

"Don't mention tampons" tampon commercial shoot in a nutshell:

Franky dons a long brown wig and says she looks like "Beyonce in drag", without realising that a woman in drag is actually a bloke, which, dare I say it....

...er...

Mikarla gets a long blonde wig and looks even more like Claudia Schiffer... if she had somehow been genetically crossed with a dead fish.

There's a true zen moment when Pease asks Tahnee if she's unsure of what she's doing, to which she replies "I don't know." If a model parades in a disused tram barn and isn't sure if she's unsure, does she make a sound?

Lola struggles with coordinating the movements of her legs with her chin, prompting Pease to shriek "Lola is pretty poor - where's the confidence gone? I don't understand." Funny how people lose confidence when you criticise them, eh?

Madison struggles with the brief of getting on and off a tram until the photographer tells her to pretend she's flying, after which everything makes sense. The ANTM producers quietly double check Madison's luggage for hallucinogens.

Back at model mansion there's a good five minutes to fill before elimination, so we're treated to a completely confusing segment in which Mikarla screams at Tahnee and Eloise for putting a McDonald's bag full of cigarette butts on her bed. Why did they do this? We don't know. Why is Mikarla so upset instead of totally baffled like we are? We're not sure. Mikarla calls Tahnee fat, Cassi empties the Maccers bag into Eloise's bed, and off we trundle to elimination with no idea what just happened or why. Hurrah for editing!

Shall we picture bitch?

Eloise has clearly been taking lessons from Mink, pulling off a very convincing "wax model" look in her photo.

Cassi tells the judges she walks best when she's "not thinking". Clearly all those times she fell over she was busy writing sonnets and doing algebra in her head. Her photo, meanwhile, looks like someone has cut and pasted Bindi Irwin's head onto a store mannequin with no neck. Sadly, this isn't quite the look the judges were going for.

Madison looks like a drag queen alighting from a tram at 3am the morning after the Sydney Mardi Gras - and somehow still manages to look fabulous. She's a disco whirlwind of gorgeousness.

Clare looks like she's been shot in the arm with a tranquiliser while getting off the tram, which unsurprisingly isn't the best advertisement for tampons.

But who is in the bottom two?

"I'll tell you who I think IS in the bottom two," says Blondie, as Australia hangs off the edge of its collective seat in anticipation.

"Yep, I agree," says Identity Dawson, while all the other judges nod in agreement.

Er, yes? Who? What? Pardon? We'll never know, as these comments are never explained.

"What about...?" says Blondie.

"I LOATHE that picture," spits Joh Bailey.

"She gives me the Hitchcock chills, that one," snarls Dawson.

WHO? WHAT? FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Viewers all around the country make a mental note to punch the ANTM editors if they ever meet them.

After all this abstract postulating it's time for someone to go - TWO people actually, as it turns out. It's a massive sale in the model warehouse and every model must go!

The three recruits left standing are Sergeant Expressionless Eloise, Lieutenant Slack Mikarla and Major Angerness Cassi - until Cassi is sent back to the mansion, leaving Eloise and Mikarla to sashay out the door and into obscurity.

"Mikarla's the only one trying in this competition," wails Cassi, prostrating herself at the feet of Blondie McPins.

"She's trying so hard, this isn't fair," she moans, looking up at Blondie's face, two kilometers away up in the stratosphere.

Meanwhile, no one seems to care that Eloise is leaving. Who? Exactly.

Now - get on over to Jo Blogs to see what zingers she's come up with this week, but not before leaving me a comment!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Welcome to the third instalment of ANTM 2009, otherwise known as "the week this series finally got interesting".

Yes, after two weeks of introductions, gym routines, nurition advice and half-arsed exercising SOMETHING VAGUELY INTERESTING ACTUALLY HAPPENS TONIGHT - don't get up to make tea or go to the toilet, you might miss it.

But first - while watching the opening credits, I start to notice something about Lola. The lopsided eyes, the huge jaw, that annoying "ba ding ding ding" way she talks - IS LOLA ACTUALLY THE CRAZY FROG?

You never see them in the same room together...

The customary flashback reminds us that Samantha-lookalike Leah is no longer on the show after being booted last week in favour of Home and Away-extra-lookalike Georgie. Who? You know, the one with brown hair and legs. And... er... well she's still there, anyhow.

Back at model HQ, all 53 members of the house sit in the tiny kitchen "eating breakfast" while Georgie casually walks into the living room for no apparent reason and "discovers" a Sarah Mail in a box. With all her experience in Summer Bay it's no surprise Georgie is the winner of this week's ANTM Logie for "least convincing performance on a reality TV show". I think the producers should get an extra gold star too for their consistently thrilling script writing.

"...So Georgie enters left and says 'Hey guys, Sarah Mail!'. All the other models look really surprised and rush in from right..."

Georgie opens the box and discovers it's full of wigs, with a note reading "Let me cut to the chase, try these on for size." It's a tough one, but cryptic clues are no match for the models, and after 20 minutes or so they quickly deduce they'll be chasing each other with scissors as part of a commercial for a new wig shop. Clare intelligently points out that that would violate the terms of the contract they signed before coming on the show, while Madison notes it would go against occupational health and safety regulations. The group shares confused looks for a further half hour before Laura T eventually puts the concepts of "hair" and "cut" together and realises they'll all be having haircuts.

They're shuttled off to Joh Bailey's palais de perm in the city where Blondie Mc Pins and Pease are there to meet them - the latter looking actually quite dishy for the first time this series. His top lip might never, ever move, but that Joh Bailey really can make ANYONE look good!

Well HELLO there.

Makeover day in a nutshell:

Blondie tells Mikarla she'll be getting a bleached blonde reverse mullet - long in front, short at the back. Mikarla is horrified - "I'm about to get a farkin Victoria Beckham haircut!!" she spits. Presumably she would have preferred a REAL mullet to match her bogan roots.

In what may be the least exciting makeover ever, redhead Adele is told she'll be getting red hair. In other news: everything stayed the same today, and nothing new happened anywhere. More at 11.

Blondie tells Laura-Liu they're going to "shave it all off", but ends up giving her a bob haircut. We can only assume Laura will be well prepared for their next swimwear shoot.

Franky is told her "shopping mall" curls have to go and she promptly throws a massive tanty. She claims her hair will not grow back once it's cut, which begs the question: IS FRANKY A BARBIE DOLL?

"An eight year old girl cut it once AND IT NEVER GREW BACK, I SWEAR!!!"

After declaring her intention to leave the show rather than cut her godawful tresses, Franky proves herself a complete pussy by backing down after being confronted by Blondie. Maybe she told her they'd get her a replacement head if she didn't like her new do.

Madison wanders around with six kilograms of tinfoil hanging off her head and blobs of bleach coating every surface and still manages to look more groomed than at any point in the past two episodes.

And she's not even FINISHED yet!

And the resulting looks:

ELOISE steals the "least exciting makeover ever" crown from Adele by simply having her hair curled

ADELE goes from a gorgeous, natural beauty to looking like she's dyed her hair with a packet of Electric Orange Fun Dye that was in the mark-downs bin at the local Coles

MIKARLA takes the words "farken", "d'you know what I mean" and "hair extensions" and uses them to form a sentence that translates from Boganian as "I am an ungrateful yob who can't appreciate a good haircut when she sees one"

CASSI gets a few curls and some highlights and looks a million bucks, which is a far cry from the usual $12.99 she pays at Price Attack to have her hair done

GEORGIE looks... er... what did she look like before again?

TAHNEE, CLARE and LOLA are deemed too dull to get their own piece of airtime, given that their makeovers seem to have amounted to nothing more than a good brushing.

The ghost of Jodhello Meares finally manages to break through the fourth dimension and contact the living by using the newly-bobbed LAURA T as a host body, forcing her to blurt "Oh my God, SHUT UP!". Sadly she is dragged back to the spirit world before managing to shout "How good is that?!".

FRANKY looks like Pedro Santana, a Mexican schoolboy who sells postcards to tourists at the airport, and yet still looks completely fashionable. She'd want to HOPE her hair won't grow back.

Back at model HQ, all the girls are lined up to meet the head of Maybelline New York - NIGEL. Is there a name less suited to the head of a makeup brand than Nigel? I think not.

Anyway, Nige shows all the girls how to put on makeup properly, and then they have to get into groups and put makup on each other, and then ^&$^s4s5sdgjezcs. Sorry, fell asleep for a moment there and my head hit the keyboard.

The dull festival is ended by the arrival of a Sarah Mail which informs the girls they're they'll be filming a Maybelline TV commercial the next day. This should of course be taken to mean they'll be reciting lines about Maybelline in front of a camera that may or may not be switched on, and any resulting footage will never be aired on a television screen anywhere, ever. HOW EXCITING!

Guess what, girls - you're already ON television.

Part of the brief is to come up with a unique line about the new Maybelline Collagen Enhanced Super-Turbo-Powered Jet-Propelled Extra Thick Ultra Massive Crazy Fantastic Wow Mascara to deliver in the commercial - as if they'll have time to get one in after saying the name of the product.

"Oym garnna say 'Not two times volume, not four times volume, but nine times volume with new collagen'," barks Cassi, who has clearly missed her calling as a highly paid advertising executive.

It's certainly a cunning plan - tell everyone your line so that no one will steal it. Much more effective than just KEEPING IT TO YOUR BLOODY SELF, YOU PLONKER.

And off they troop to a carpark in the middle of Sydney, which is obviously the closest the Fox 8 budget could get them to New York, and start the "getting in and out of cars saying silly things about mascara" challenge. They all look fabulous after their makeovers and... WHAT THE?

Madison's new squillion dollar hair makeover was REALLY worth it.

In a nutshell:

Adele looks like Ronald McDonald in a garbage bag, which would seem to be a better advertisement for white foundation and red lipstick than mascara, but anyway.

"Is there something on my face?"

Laura delivers her lines as if she's planning to follow them with a "HEEEE-YA!" and a kick to the face, which is actually a teeny bit awesome. Laura for PM.

In a decision that is totally hers and not at all a suggestion by the ANTM producers to inject controversy into what is turning out to be a fairly dull segment, Lola decides to steal Cassi's line for herself. Predictably enough, everyone goes crazy for her performance. Well, if anyone's qualified to talk about "the power of colossal" it's eight-feet-tall Lola and her ginormous head.

Looking like Kate Moss on a coke binge, an angry Cassi storms off set and starts screaming, smoking and punching walls in a scene reminiscent of Pete Doherty's house on a Saturday night.

Franky's new haircut manages to convince everyone she has "New York attitude", even though she's about as New York as the bagels they sell at Baker's Delight.

Georgie attempts to buy some personality by putting on an American accent, but fails to convey New York by neglecting to yell "FUHGEDDABOUTIT!"

Mikarla turns her commercial into an arsty short film by getting out of a car, saying "Long, strong and fashion forward" and walking away without once mentioning the brand name or the product. Very post modern.

Lola's effort is deemed the best, and she wins what is actually a covetable prize for once - bits and pieces of Tiffany, Jimmy Choo, and Marc Jacobs - while Cassi seethes in the corner.

The ever exciting Georgie manages to get upstaged by a piece of string wrapped around her head.

Eloise looks very pretty and yet I still couldn't give a shit.

Tahnee goes from "pretty spunky" to "red hot sexy mamma" thanks to some carefully applied slow-mo and a flamenco backing track that I'm fairly sure won't actually carry over to her final photos.

Lola tries to relax her mouth and ends up accidentally eating both her hands.

"I CAN'T HOLD IT ANY LONGER!"

Adele looks red headed, pale and vulnerable, and is served a writ for copyright infringement from Alice Burdeu's lawyers at the end of her shoot.

Cassi. How DOES that little bogan do it? I have no words, only photographic evidence:

Before and after. I know, I know, I don't get it either.

What else is there left to do but head to the elimination warehouse, where models are put through a grinder, turned into mulch and fed to hairdressers the world over. Well, apart from gang up on Franky about how she's a bitch, stomp around and scream things like "I'm here to win, I don't care what anyone thinks!", that is. But that would be boring, wouldn't it? Yes, it would.

Almost all of the models' photos turn out rather pretty, which cuts down the comedic potential of my weekly picture bitch to almost nil but for the following exceptions:

The ethereal Clare is compared to Cate Blanchett in Lord of the Rings, but I prefer to think of her more as "that scary as fuck creature that came out of the wardrobe in Poltergeist":

She's heeeeeeere...

Lola looks rather like a Jim Henson muppet with a belt wrapped around its head, prompting Dawson to label her "a lump of coal" and Pezza to remark "I don't think we've seen your best photo yet." I'd bloody hope not.

In her second attempt to gain a personality this episode, Georgie does her best Lola impression by also wrapping a belt around her head but doesn't quite nail the "muppet" part of the brief. "I don't know that beauty is your forte," says Pezza. Ouuuuuch...

"Some of the girls are getting a bit scary and testing my botox," snaps Pezza, in what is an early front runner for QUOTE OF THE SEASON.

In the end, as usual, there can be only one. Or rather, two: Mikarla big hair and Georgie small personality. CAN YOU GUESS WHICH ONE WILL GO?

Yes, it's goodbye Georgie - don't acquire any charm or charisma on the way out, now!

You now have two tasks to fulfil before you go and do something important with your lives: a) leave a comment (for goodness sake, I need SOME love!) and b) go visit Jo-Jo Blogs for a second helping of model roast.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

As per tradition, we start this week's episode with a bit of flashbackery to last week, when that girl we can't remember the name of got kicked off for not being as good as all the other girls we can't remember the names of.

"I'm happy that she's gone because I didn't like her, honestly I couldn't stand being in the same room as her, and now she's gone - thank GOD," barks Cassi, who is doing absolutely nothing to challenge the growing perception of her as a true blue bogan.

Then, with a complete lack of continuity we've all come to know and love from the ANTM editors, we cut to footage of a presumably drunken Mikarla yelling "I'M LIKE A FIRECRACKER!" while all the models dance around in what appears to be a cafe. But whatever the models have been drinking, it's enough to have convinced them that they are actually in a nightclub, and so Mikarla and Cassi start dancing on the tables amongst the cutlery and condiments.

In a totally uninteresting subplot, it seems Cassi has identified Mikarla as the head bogan of the group and so, understandably, is mimicking her every move. Poor, misguided Cassi. Doesn't she realise that no one could possibly out-bogan her?

"Screw youse all, Oym garn darn the pub."

Suddenly, the most fabulous pair of shoes I've ever seen turns up at model HQ, attached as they are to the ends of our beloved host's legs - who I am now beholden to refer to as "Blondie McPins" after you lot voted for it last week. (It won by one vote, woo hoo!)

Blondi McPins has clearly arrived at the model mansion VERY early in the morning, as all the girls are asleep in bed instead of up and about playing chess, discussing politics and reading the financial pages like they usually are. However it soon becomes obvious that it's probably actually about four in the afternoon when Franky and the girls put on a completely real and totally not staged performance entitled "Pretending to wake up and get out of bed" that is about as realistic as an episode of Home and Away.

"Quick everyone, out of bed! Not like that - the way we REHEARSED!"

As it turns out, all this Logie-worthy fuss and bother is simply in aid of meeting a nutritionist (or "nutritionalist" if you ask Clare) who lectures the girls about not eating carbs. Or eating more vegetables. Or something.

"Nutritionist? I thought they said dermatologist. :("

"What food do you think I could eat that would make me put on weight quickly?" asks Mikarla, in what could be the most blonde question ever asked by anyone in the history of the world, ever.

Well Mikarla, there's this...

Or this...

Or this...

Or you could try this...

And soon you'll be on your way!

The two minutes of social responsiblity over with, the girls are handed some exercise outfits and sent off to the gym, from which Clare intelligently deduces that they'll be doing some exercise. Smart girl, that Clare.

Totally boring exercise challenge in a nutshell:

The models are all weighed and measured, using scales and tape measures borrowed from the local nano technology lab.

"I'm sorry miss, but there doesn't seem to be any room for your large intestine. You're going to have to die."

In an event never ever witnessed at my house, Cassi starts crying when she finds out she's lost weight.

Clare invents a new kind of exercise known as the "weak as piss push up"

Through the wonders of modern computer technology, 16 year old Cassi is revealed to actually be 41. Everyone struggles to be surprised.

"AWWW GET STARFFED!"

Shocked by her fitness assessment, Cassi decides to make amends by exiting the gym and lighting up a fag on the doorstep.

"Oym still in me fitness gear, so it's still exercising, roight?"

Back at model HQ and this time it's Madison's turn to win a Logie, by entering stage left and shouting "Hey guys, I think there's something outside!".

What they find in their driveway has clearly come DIRECTLY FROM MY NIGHTMARES - a bunch of midgets in leotards doing flips and somersaults in the rain.

You call them children, I call them SCARY AS FUCK.

"And then one of the girls pulled a Sarah Mail out of her..." begins Franky, but is drowned out by the sounds of my screaming. Sorry, I'm not sure where that midget pulled that envelope from - you'll have to use your imagination.

Using a crappy quote about falling over (from "anonymous" - come ON guys, couldn't you just get Blondie McPins to say something and then attribute it to her?) the Sarah Mail sends the models off to another gym where Pease tells them they're about to be "challenged in every sense of the word".

Madison's already got the "mentally challenged" bit down pat.

Unless he's talking to the viewers (who are currently being challenged just to stay awake) I think Pease really means "challenged in just ONE sense of the word -physically", as the models are made to don sparkly leotards and learn a gymnastics routine. Watching a bunch of uncoordinated girls attempting to do the splits is about as interesting as it sounds, save for the part when Cassi does the worm and pulls a muscle in her shoulder. Clare is determined the winner of the lamest challenge in ANTM history for making her leotard look fashionable or something, and is rewarded with a ticket to the ballet with Blondie McPins.

The next five "challenging" minutes of the episode are filled with Mikarla debating with Cassi about how bad her sprained muscle may or may not be, Clare and Tahnee getting ready to go to the ballet, and me yawning and checking my watch.

I'm momentarily excited when Clare mentions that she and Tahnee will be wearing "hussy dresses" to the performance, but it turns out she's talking about a brand name and not something like this, which I was hoping for:

Dis be a real hussy dress, beeyatch!

"I was a bit jealous they went to the ballet but then I made a lasagne which was really good so they missed out on that," says Madison, finding the bechamel lining to the situation.

Back at model HQ, the girls prove stimulation is hard to come by in the model house by once again being thrilled beyond belief by bunch of balloons in their hallway.

Clare expertly deduces that they will be "attached to a massive balloon and flung into the air". Agreed, it's not QUITE as big a giveaway as exercise gear, but seriously...

Confusion reigns as the modelettes are sent off to the pier to catch a boat ("There was water in front of us!" shrieks Clare, who appears not to recognise the ocean... I am beginning to doubt her intelligence), and the next five minutes are filled with a whole lot of "oh moy gourd-ing", the highlight of which is Tahnee expressing delight over sitting on a leather seat. Thankfully she doesn't notice the chrome door handles - she would have LOST IT.

Just like their convict forefathes, they're booted offshore at Cockatoo Island where sadly, there is only one cock to meet them - Jonathan Pease, who has decided to come dressed as your younger brother from 1994.

He tells them they'll be doing a "tulle on trapeze" shoot for Cosmopolitan magazine, which elicits a reaction from the girls more nightmarish than those trampolining midgets earlier:

THIS makes me think of...

THIS.

Tulle on trapeze challenge in a nutshell:

The Cosmo editor tells the girls to "tap into the dramatic nature of fashion". Sadly, this turns out to mean "pose in a vaguely interesting outfit" rather than "grab a skull and start soliloquising".

Adele straps half a chicken and some glitter to her head and wraps herself awkwardly around a hula hoop suspended from the ceiling, in what is vaguely reminiscent of the Ingham's killing floor.

Laura wears basically the same outfit and does a passable impression of a pigeon on Valium, by constantly falling off the hoop and crashing to the floor. She later manages to keep her balance for longer when someone hangs a seed bell just out of shot to distract her.

Cassi undergoes an amazing transformantion from bogan to budgie to dark horse to annoying git.

Franky's emotional break down complete with fake tears still isn't enough to make her dominatrix outfit of a top hat and underpants look "innocent".

Wide-eyed, rosebud-lipped Clare looks like she's been eating cupcakes and fairy bread all day surrounded by kittens in teacups while fairies braid her hair - and yet I still can't dislike her. Bless that pale little sprite.

Back at model HQ it's time for elimination, and Cassi Von Boganburg has bought a brand new dress for the occasion.

Pezza says Georgie was "saved by her outfit". That totally happened to me once, when I accidentally walked out in front of an oncoming car and my jeans pulled me out of the way at the last second while my handbag called for medical assistance. So. Lucky.

If Charles Dickens had made Miss Havisham an Olympic gymnast whose dress was also magic and was trying to eat her, Madison's photo could easily be the cover art for Great Expectations.

Pezza accuses Dawson of using too much botox. She sadly misses the opportunity to accuse him of using too much head polish.

Tahnee manages to look like a slightly overweight ballerina-slash-cat-burglar caught climbing through the window on CCTV footage, which must be one of the looks for this season as she makes it into Cosmo magazine anyway.

Laura-Liu's photo is completely and utterly amazing and should totally take out the Cosmo cover

Pezza snaps at Cassi "Stop buying satin dresses to wear during the day", which is a sentence I think we should all try to use at least once this week.

Dawson describes Lola as being like "gravy lumps" and everyone nods sagely, despite no one having a fucking clue what she means.

"Being saved by a dress is a modern day tragedy!" barks Pezza, who is totally outdoing himself in the awesome quotes this episode.

And then it's down to two - Georgie, the girl you've already forgotten because any footage with her in it clearly always ends up on the cutting room floor, and Leah, the girl you only remember because she looks a bit like Samantha from last year.

Blondie McPins is understandably perplexed:

"BOTH OF YOU ARE SO FORGETTABLE, I CAN'T DECIDE."

But in the end, it's Leah who gets the boot, plus both of her eyebrows. Congrats Georgie - let's see if you can actualy get on the show next week!

And now you're done here, head on over to Jo Blogs for her version of events.