Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Anything and Everything

We are 3 months into our journey of losing our son, Collin. Over these three months the grief has certainly changed. I recall the first week. I was in total haze. I honestly don't remember the funeral, who came, who spoke, me speaking, anything really. I've read it is my brains way of protecting me against such a horrific event. I sit here tonight and think "that wasn't so bad to kind of be oblivious to everything around me". The emotions were intense in the beginning. That's not to say that they aren't now, but they've certainly changed. And they change daily. One moment I go about my daily routine and block out any of the pain I feel. It must just build up because I tend to explode once I'm alone. I survive the day and then usually fall apart at night. Sometimes when I mention I'm having a bad moment I get asked "why"? The answer in my mind is always the same......."my son is dead". I'm 36 and relatively healthy (excluding the high blood pressure issues I'm still having due to the pregnancy) Calculate the amount of time it will most likely be before I get to see my beautiful son again. Could you live that long without seeing your child? It's hell! It's hell to think about. It's hell to think that I'll never see his first smile, his first tooth, his first time saying "momma", his first steps, his first day of kindergarten, or millions of other firsts". I never will.

I've learned to put on a semi-"normal" face when I see people now. But the face is hiding what I truly feel inside. I feel dead. I feel no life inside me. I should have been an actress because I can sure fake me appearing okay. But, I'm not okay. I'll never be okay. You'll find me most nights crying myself to sleep, like tonight. I titled this "anything and everything" because there isn't really ANYTHING in particular that can "set" me off. I can be driving down IH35 and just start bawling my eyes out. It's honestly EVERYTHING. It hurts to see other pregnant women, it hurts to see other babies, it hurts to see people in general. It hurts to do anything new. It hurts to do anything with my kids because I feel in my heart that Collin should be right there with us. He should have been at Chuck E Cheese yesterday. I should be stressing out today when I lugged all four of them to stores to buy school clothes. His little seat should have been right there with all of us. How do I reconcile that in my heart? It can't be done. So, what can I do? I can placate others and tell them I'm "fine". Those that really know me will hopefully see through that line and realize that I'm NOT fine and never will be. The world is filled with too much ANYTHING and EVERYTHING.