This is the "WCW Saturday night recap for Saturday, 29 April 2000, and I'm your recapper, E.C. Ostermeyer.

Opening credits, where the hip, sex-abstinence-oath-signing young people are sucked into the whirling vortex of the nasty ol' green "WCW Saturday Night" logo, while the shade of Leonard Bernstein conducts his "Concerto #3 in A Minor for Tom-tom and Tool-grinder" as backup music.

Hey, is that Will Risley of Medford, NY?

Naw, it's just Terry Taylor.

"In an unbelievable whirlwind week of events; Diamond Dallas Page the champion on Monday, David Arquette(?!) the champion on Wednesday...
"I'm Terry Taylor...
(fortysomething, dressed as thirtysomething. Good toupee, though.), "...your host, along with the "Living Legend" Larry Zbyszko, and "Legend"..."

"I don't know if I'm living...
"Maybe you better pinch me to see if I'm still on the planet.
"David Ar-QUETTE? You gotta be kidding me, as the Heavyweight champion?
"Here's a guy that weighs ninety pounds, he couldn't make a cruiserweight champion!
"The only bright spark of levity in this whole situation... Eric Bischoff has got to be irate.
"Eric Bischoff and his ego brought this all upon himself, with his greedy little delusions of grandeur.
"In the best laid plans of mice and men, the rat jumped up and bit Bischoff right in his brain!"

(Y'know, after I typed it, the last sentence got stuck in my brain, and I still can't get it out.
Oh my God! I've got LarryZ inside my head! Aaagh!
Lets see if this juicy bundle of footage will chase the stupid thing out of my head.)

We open with the "wakka-choo-wakka-choo-wakka' music going full blast as Mr. Page and his soon-to-be-ex hash out some litigation problems.
Messrs. Jarrett and Bischoff are in attendance.

Jarrett looks like the mayor of Munchkinland.
That title belt nearly reaches his chin.

Bischoff looks like an old barfly.

Uh, WCW, just a suggestion:
Kimberley by herself, yowza!
Kimberley in a push-up bustier, YOWZA!

Mr. Page takes umbrage at something Mr. Bischoff said, and attempts to shove Kimberley's divorce papers down Bischoff's throat.
"Kabong!" guitar shot from Jarrett interrupts the festivities.
Kris "Champagne" Kanyon joins the party and takes out Jarrett. David Arquette also arrives and waffles Bischoff. Eazy E hollers "what hit me?" as he slinks up the aisle holding his ribs. Arquette's glowering in the ring, still chewing his gum.
Cut to Bischoff going ballistic on the stick," You come into MY HOUSE and embarrass ME?! You want to get in the ring with ME?! HUH??!!
Arquette, if possible, has an even more reptilian grin than Bischoff does.
"Awright Eric, it's a deal! I'm gonna "1-800-KICK-YOUR-BUTT!"
(That's still the best line of the evening!)

And from this point, we enter the Twilight Zone, with Jeff Jarrett as an unwilling passenger.
Scenes of Eric Bischoff, "a kickboxer by training," according to Scott Hudson, standing on Arquette's throat. Arquette spears Bischoff, then does "The Worm". DDP waffles the referee. Bischoff golottas Arquette, setting up Jarrett's mis-directed "Kabong" on Bischoff.
Arquette pins Bischoff and that sets up the steel cage match between Jarrett and DDP.

LarryZ: " You know, they've got scientific scales for people like this, (referring to Bischoff). At the top, they've got "Genius", and at the bottom, they've got "moron". And the only difference between the two, is that the "Genius" knows when to quit, or when to stop. Bischoff doesn't know when to stop!"

Commercials

We come back where Taylor and LarryZ shill the "Triple Cage" match at Slamboree.
LarryZ: "DDP is an example of a wrestler that never loses sight of the goal, and never gives up. Those who can't stand on their own two feet without help, they hate this guy. DDP, even in the midst of a personal crisis, never lost sight of the goal."

Taylor: "Man, I love it when you talk like that. Some day I'm gonna understand some of it. That was awesome!"

LarryZ (humbled): "Uh, thanks."

Taylor: "You're welcome."

Footage of Arquette and Kanyon whooping it up with a champagne-splashed bikini blonde who looks WAY better than the WWF's Lillian Garcia. Let's see if she can sing the "Star Spangled Banner!"
DDP, we are informed, is getting ready for his match with Jeff Jarrett.
Cut to the Loser's locker room, who instead of a bikini blonde as an interviewer, get Mean Gene Okerlund, instead.
Jarrett is mightily p.o-ed at Bischoff, and asks about the backup plan. Bischoff says the backup plan is for Jarrett to go out there and be the Champion that he is.
Jarrett throws a tantrum, and his water bottle, in that order.
Mean Gene hollers, "What is going on here?!"

Footage of the Jarrett/DDP match, which seems to involve trash cans, and lots of brawling outside the steel cage.
Mike Awesome rips the cage door off it's hinges, then stops referee Charles Robinson from hitting the final count. Kanyon clobbers Awesome, and Charles Robinson hits the final count, giving DDP the pin and the win.

Commercials

Taylor and LarryZ shill the Slamboree PPV. The feud between Billy Kidman and Hulk Hogan is discussed.
LarryZ: "I can relate to an incident that happened, oh, twenty glorious-some years ago.
"I had a run-in with my mentor, a man named Bruno, and everybody hated my guts for it.
"But it was a natural process, like a butterfly bursting out of a cocoon. "This is what Billy Kidman sees.
"He sees a superstar emerging out of the reputation of a defeated Hulk Hogan.
"And on the other side of the coin, is an icon that will never let go."

Footage of the Kidman/Hogan feud. Bischoff gets Kidman some protection, in the considerable form of Mike Awesome. There's a tag match set up, but, according to Bischoff, because Hogan's burned so many bridges in the locker room, there's not a chance in hell he will find a tag partner back there. Ergo, it's a two-on-one handicap match, with Kidman/Awesome against Hulk Hogan. Oh, and Bischoff's the special referee for Kidman/Hogan at Slamboree.
Footage of an F.U.N.B. shirt-clad Hogan walloping Awesome, when hollering right in announcer Mark Madden's face. Something about the current special at Bally's Fitness, I imagine.
Kidman and Awesome pound on Hogan, who promptly blades, though the WCW censors block out Hogan's bloody mug.
Awesome Bomb puts Hogan through a table. Kevin Nash shows up backstage, and sees the ring action on a monitor. Meanwhile, Kidman does a Randy Savage flying elbow that puts Hogan through another table. There's the three count, and the win for Kidman/Awesome.

Unbelievably, Hogan jobs for Kidman and Awesome.
Folks, we've lived to see the day!

Afterwards, Mr. Nash arrives at ringside, to the consternation of Billy Kidman, and the delight of Mike Awesome. Nash delivers beat-downs all around, but an attempt at a jack-knife powerbomb on Awesome is stymied when Torrie Wilson, ummm, "adjusts" Nash's in-seam. Kidman and Awesome wrap Nash's legs around a ring-post and,
Yeowtch!
"Make a wish!"
Kidman also wallops Nash's hurt ankle with a steel chair, which doesn't help the healing process, let me tell you.

Cut to Thunder, where we see Kidman belittling the name of "Hogan", and using terms best left out of this recap.

This brings out...?!... HORACE HOGAN??!!

I thought he was working for Radio Shack at Cumberland Mall in Atlanta?
It looks like he's seen the inside of a gym while he's been absent.

Surprisingly, Horace puts on a good, intense match with Kidman. But, in the ensuing melee, it's Eazy E to the rescue; the steel chair being a courtesy feature extended to all of Bischoff's prey.
After he match, Torrie Wilson gives Horace Hogan the "Kiss of Death." THAT young lady's got a strong stomach!

LarryZ: "There was too many guys for Horace to take on, but you know, we talked about how the natural processes of a wrestler's life evolve. From neophyte to superstar, it's through reputations. But there's a way to do it. There's a way for Kidman to wrestle Hulk Hogan, by himself, like a man, and EARN that reputation!
Not the way Bischoff wants it done, by outnumbering Hogan. Kidman, you won't become that superstar, if you do it the Bischoff way."

No house shows, you notice. And no more WCW Saturday Night tapings, either.
Sheesh!

How 'bout some more
Commercials.
To bring your spirits up?

Booker T.'s interference with Scott Steiner's title shot against Jeff Jarrett is discussed.
LarryZ: "Booker T is a man that I've been praising for years, an incredible athlete with ability.
"A heavyweight that can fly through the air and defies gravity,
"A man, Terry, who I always thought was an individual, who could stand on his own two feet.
"But now, it looks like he's trying to impress Bischoff and Russo, and, personally, I can't figure it out."

Footage from Nitro of Scott Steiner snarling incoherently into a microphone, hollering for Booker T. to "get his ass out here!"
Booker T comes out and says that Steiner was just a victim of circumstance, a man at the wrong place at the wrong time. "But what we do in New York; if we can't get along, we just get it on!"
Which they do, after one of Steiner's ladies swats Booker T in the face.
Cut to action from Thunder, where Booker T is up against Mike Awesome. Awesome tosses Booker T into the corner with a sloppily executed, but ultimately vicious-looking Awesome Bomb.
The move snaps Booker's head against the bottom turnbuckle. That's a concussion, or worse, fans. Awesome with the pin and the win. Big Poppa Pump arrives, and slaps Booker T into the Steiner Recliner.for some additional punishment.
This brings the Misfits (Lash LeRoux, Hugh Morrus, Van Hammer, and Chavo Guerrero, Jr.) out to save Booker T from further abuse.

Tony Schiavone: "They just chased away Big Poppa Pump, and not many people can do that!"

Commercials.

The formation of Kronic as a tag team powerhouse is discussed. Brian Adams and Bryan Clarke, once Vince Russo's "hired guns' to clobber Team Package, are shown demanding their shot at the WCW World Tag-team Title belts. Russo gives them the chance, then gets his revenge.

LarryZ: "Even a little, fuzzy rat, with a bald, ugly tail will attack a bigger adversary when it's backed into a corner.
"We know Russo's the rat; now we know, that he'll bite ya!"
Taylor: "And when Russo attacks you, he usually comes out swinging a baseball bat!"

Footage shows the confrontation on Nitro between Brian Adams, Bryan Clarke, and Vince Russo, where Russo tells Bryan "Wrath" Clarke not to get his (drawers?) in a wad. Clarke looks like he wants to turn Russo into a wad, but has enough presence of mind to hear the man out.
Next, also from Nitro, we see Kronic confronting Team Package in the ring. Referee Charles Robinson wishes he was somewhere else, as the fight erupts before the bell sounds.
Ms. Hancock arrives to make some notes, and coincidentally to distract the fans from the action in the ring.
(Hey, which would YOU rather watch, hah?)

Messrs. Bagwell and Douglas arrive to, ummm, "adjust the outcome of the match," via whacks from a baseball bat. Kronic "High Time's" a (literally) whacked out Ric Flair in the center of the ring, and that's all for the "Nature Boy."

Hey, did Flair and Luger just do the job to these two humps?

Where's the Harris Boys?
Or the Mamalukes, for that matter?

De-pushed, most likely, and on their way back down the ladder of success that is WCW.

Afterward, Tag champions Bagwell and Douglas get walloped by Kronic, as Brian Adams demands that Russo come up with the Title shot he promised. Russo complies, and we see footage of Douglas and Bagwell on their way to the hotel, getting stopped by Russo, who tells 'em that they're not done, that they've got a match against Kronic. The look on Buff Bagwell's face is hilarious.
Oh, and Russo's not asking them, he's TELLING them, to go out and fight these guys.
And so, we see footage of the match from Nitro between Kronic and WCW Tag champions Shane Douglas & Buff Bagwell. Vince Russo is out to provide "color commentary," and interference when necessary. Russo delvers on his promise via a baseball bat to the back of Brian Adams. Unfortunately, Mr. Clarke sees this, and attempts his "Meltdown" finisher on Russo. Only the timely application of bat to body from Shane Douglas saves Vince Russo from becoming a moist spot and a memory. The referee shoves Russo for interference. Russo whacks HIM with the bat! Bagwell pins Adams, and Russo does the three count for the win.

Taylor: "Legend it's obvious that there is no law in WCW, except the law of Bischoff and Russo!"
LarryZ: "It's an omen!
"Lawlessness!
"It's one of the prophecies about bringing on the end of the world. "And it looks like it's coming on WCW like a plague. Russo and Bischoff have no regard for anyone, wrestlers, referees, pedestrians, fans, dogs and cats..."
(Taylor's got a "whaa...?" look on his face)

"They hate everybody.
"They are a cancerous cell in the body of professional wrestling!"

LarryZ next addresses Terry Taylor directly:
"Let me ask you something. Jeff Jarrett claims to be "The Chosen One."
Taylor nods his head.
"If Jeff Jarrett was hurt tomorrow, and could never wrestle again, would Vince Russo pack up, disappear into the woodwork?
"Or would there be another (snaps fingers) "Chosen One?"
Taylor: "There'd be another "Chosen One."
LarryZ: "Is that your final answer?"
"Yes!"
"We have a winner!"
"Is there some money?"
"Couple bucks."
"Couple bucks, hmm?"
"Yeah. Of course, after taxes..."

The Russo/Luger situation is discussed, wherein Miss Elizabeth was forcibly taken from Luger, by right of Russo owning Liz's contract.

LarryZ says that Luger's
"...got 4 percent of his body fat burning 100 percent of those red corpuscles!"
"But Russo proved, once again, just how low he will go.
"Whether it's a baseball bat, a legal loophole, or trying to carry off a woman in distress, and almost dropping her because he's a physical weakling; that's the desperate man Vince Russo is. He almost kidnapped her..."

Footage shows the confrontation between Russo ( with WCW Security "Black Shirts") and Team Package ( with Elizabeth.)
Flair stipulates that, win, lose, or die, if Russo interferes in his upcoming Slamboree match with Shane "Franchise" Douglas, he, Flair, will get Russo alone in the ring for five minutes. Vince says bring it on, because when the five minutes are up, he, Russo will own Flair.
Russo then tells Luger that he doesn't own Liz's contract, WCW does, and therefore, Vince Russo does.
Which makes Liz his property, so he sends the "Black Shirts" to get her.
Well, the predictable fur-ball erupts on the ramp, which allows Russo to snatch Liz from Luger. As the "Black Shirts" hustle Liz away, Russo does Luger's "Gorilla-crunch" pose-down, and a lame attempt it is, too.

Taylor and LarryZ discuss the ramifications of this incident: whether or not Liz will, in fact be in Luger's corner at Slamboree. LarryZ especially likes the idea of Flair getting five minutes alone in the ring with Vince Russo, except that, if he knows Ric Flair,
"five minutes isn't going to be enough; that Flair would like to take Russo to Space Mountain, all night long!"

Taylor: "That may get you in trouble, but not me."
LarryZ: "I can't get in trouble."
"Why not?"
"I don't need the job!"
"Heh, heh, I do!"

Commercials

Tank Abbott's rampage in WCW is discussed, and footage from Nitro is shown where Tank Abbott clobbers Bob Ryder and Jeremy Borash of WCW.com.

Sign in the crowd: "Tank Abbott - My Mom Says you Need to Shave."
Best sign of the night, hands down.

There's a great shot of Mark Madden trying to climb over the steel guardrail and into the crowd. Only to have the fans shove him back to ringside.
Another great shot is Borash selling the "fear face", as Abbott clobbers him.
Madden calls 'em "www.painandsufferingdotcom!"

Next, we get Thunder footage showing Abbott confronting Mark "Johnny B. Badd" Mero, and his friend, the 70-year-old Mr. Rinaldi.
Rinaldi gets in the ring first, and fearlessly stands up to Abbott. However, Mero, a former Golden Gloves champ, goes right after Abbott, and suddenly, we've got a boxing/shoot-fighting match going. Mero and Abbott trading some good, stiff blows. But, all too soon, the" Klown Kar o' 'Black Shirts'" comes out to separate the two. Abbott's actually smiling, as though he's been getting bored with squashing folks every week, and was glad to get a worthy opponent for once.

Commercials.

Terry Funk's Hardcore Title defense from Nitro is discussed. Footage shows Ernest "The Cat" Miller, interfering with Bam Bam Bigelow, who promptly clobbers him. BBB and Funk continue to brawl, with Funk getting the worst of it. Bigelow's got Funk staggering around the ring, headfirst in a trashcan, when Miller returns to the ring and waffles Bam Bam, who promptly gets crotched by Terry Funk, with trashcan garnish. Funk gets the win, but Ernest Miller gets to dance.
Footage from Thunder shows Norman Smiley pleading with Russo for a chance to get the Hardcore Title from Funk. Russo says that Smiley can't take Funk by himself, but that he, Smiley, can name a mystery partner to "stack the deck" in Smiley's favor.

Castrol GTX ("Drive Hard!") brings us the Slam of the Week, where Sting took the bloodbath at the hands of Vampiro.

Footage of the Hollywood premiere of "Ready to Rumble" at Mann's Chinese Theater.

Commercials.

Scott Hudson's interview with Bret "Hitman" Hart is shown. Hart says that
1) he's never liked Hogan
2) Hogan's always kept him down
3) Hart came from WWF specifically to challenge Hogan
4) which confrontation Hogan then proceeded to duck, and
5) the chair shot on Nitro was just the beginning.
6) health-wise, he's day-to-day, what with the headaches and all, but
7) the one thing Bret Hart wants is to get Hogan in the Sharpshooter, and have him submit to the best there is, the best there was, and the best that ever will be.

Commercials

The Sting/Vampiro feud is discussed, with footage from Nitro showing the first, the bloodbath, and then, the New Blood helping Vampiro hang Sting from the rafters like a piece of meat.
LarryZ: "I don't think I've ever seen a more disturbing sight in my life!"
More footage from Nitro shows the backstage brawl between Sting and Vampiro. Next, Sting goes hunting for Vampiro throughout the arena. Then, Sting Scorpion Death Drops Cruiserweight Champ Chris Candido in front of a terrified Tammy Lynn Sytch. Finally, Sting gets some stick time, and calls out "Vam-Pye-Roh" for a "First Blood" match.
Vampiro also gets microphone time, and says he's having a panic attack, but like the spider said to the fly, "Come, come into my web!"
Footage of the match shows Sting doing an "owen," then having trouble with the harness. Vampiro, good sport that he is, waits for Sting to disentangle himself, instead of turning him into a pinata.
Back and forth goes the match, and then Vampiro calls for the "mysterious red liquid" drenching, which, very nearly did REAL damage to Sting when it hit him. As it was, the force of the blow was strong enough to knock him from his feet.
The rest of the New Blood come out for the beat-down on Sting, and then, in Mark Madden's words, turn him "into the pinata from hell!"
Footage from Thunder shows Sting, still covered in the "mysterious red liquid", just walloping the tar out of The Wall. This brings out Vampiro, and, along with The Wall, the two of them go for the beat-down on Sting. Sting, prevails, disposes of his enemies, then leaves the ring, and ultimately the arena, walking in some sort of trance.

Commercials.

And, finally, we come to the spin session wherein David Arquette is supposedly validated as WCW World Heavyweight Champion.
Terry Taylor says that, since the Title is near and dear to LarryZ's heart, Larry must be greatly disturbed by what has occurred.
LarryZ says that the only people who are disturbed are Bischoff and Russo, and they're just going ballistic over this chain of events that has culminated in the gold being around David Arquette's waist. "They're looking for loopholes, trying to find ways to reverse the decision that resulted in David Arquette becoming WCW World Heavyweight Champion.
"But fellas, I got news for you. Like it or not, David Arquette IS YOUR CHAMPION"
"He's been telling the world, riding around on the Sunset Strip, laying on the top of the limo, wearing the belt, showing it off to all his friends...
"Face it, guys, the man...has...the GOLD!"

And here's the footage of the whole sorry affair, beginning with Bischoff and Jarrett driving up, and pulling a battered David Arquette from the trunk of the limo.
Next, Jarrett and Bischoff (and Kimberley, yum, yum!) are in the ring. Jarrett's got Arquette in a choke-hold, and is hollering for DDP to come out and return the Heavyweight Title.
DDP, the big face-er-roonie, along with Kris "Champagne" Kanyon, agrees to a tag match with Jarrett/Bischoff, with the winner getting the title.
We cut to Bischoff and Jarrett (and Kimberley, yum, yum!) down in the bowels of the arena, having some fun with the battered Mr. Arquette.
Then, after DDP rescues Arquette, he wants Arquette to see the trainer for a check-up.
Arquette won't do it, and is fast reaching critical mass as regards Messrs. Bischoff and Jarrett.

Jarrett and Bischoff double-team DDP, who promptly nails both of them with a double clothesline. Kimberley, as referee, tries to stay out of the way.
DDP with punches in bunches for both Jarrett and Bischoff.
Arquette comes to the ring, just as DDP tries for the Diamond Cutter on Jarrett.
Jarrett, sensing Real Danger, shoves DDP into referee Kimberley. DDP takes the close contact with his wife to plant a big ol' smoocheroo on her, and so doesn't see Arquette climb into the ring, and spear Bischoff again.
Kimberley has collapsed in a heap in the corner.
Jarrett wallops DDP with the Title belt.
Arquette pins Bischoff first, then Jarrett pins DDP. A referee, (Mickey Jay?) torpedoes into the ring for the three count, 1...2...

(DDP kicks out of Jarrett's pin at this point, so Arquette/Bischoff is the "legal" pin, as it was the first applied.)

3!

Arquette is the winner! Even on replay, it's by-God legal. He won it fair and square.

The look on Jarrett's face as the referee hands the title to Arquette is absolutely priceless.

Terry Taylor: "Legend, can the lawyers get the WCW Word Heavyweight Title off of David Arquette?"

LarryZ: "Well, you've got to realize that lawyers are very low-life people.
"Lawyers are so low they could skip rope underneath a bed without hitting their heads on the slats.
"The same level of human beings as Bischoff and Russo are on.
"So, anything is possible.
"But, right now, David Arquette is enjoying the lifestyle of the Heavyweight Champ!"

Terry Taylor poses the "Cliffhanger for Nitro":

"Will David Arquette be able to hang onto the WCW World Heavyweight Championship Title?"
Oh, and Thunder this week is on an hour earlier at 8:05PM ET on The Superstation.

Closing credits.

My thanks again to Will Risley of Medford, NY for his kind comments about the format change here at WCW Saturday Night, and some suggestions on how to improve my little recap here.

Also, thanks to the Unknown Sign-Guy for a good laugh.

And to all the rest of you, my gentle readers, my thanks to you as well.