After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore! They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it.He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts! Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds.Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

Unless you've experienced the Unconditional Love and Loyalty of a good dog, you have yet to live."GOD BLESS OUR TROOPS,ESPECIALLY THE SNIPERS"[/[color=#FF4000]color]

Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"

When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."

Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"

After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."

Unless you've experienced the Unconditional Love and Loyalty of a good dog, you have yet to live."GOD BLESS OUR TROOPS,ESPECIALLY THE SNIPERS"[/[color=#FF4000]color]

Who's with me here?????.......Anyone guilty of drinking tooooo much coffee ??..................check all that apply.

You answer the door before people knock.- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.- You ski uphill.- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.- You lick your coffeepot clean.- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.- You chew on other people's fingernails.- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."- You can type sixty words per minute ... with your feet.- You can jump-start your car without cables.- Cocaine is a downer.- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.- Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."- You don't sweat, you percolate.- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.- You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.- Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down.- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.- People get dizzy just watching you.- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.- Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.- Instant coffee takes too long.- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.- You short out motion detectors.- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.- Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.- You don't tan, you roast.- You can't even remember your second cup.- You help your dog chase its tail.

Unless you've experienced the Unconditional Love and Loyalty of a good dog, you have yet to live."GOD BLESS OUR TROOPS,ESPECIALLY THE SNIPERS"[/[color=#FF4000]color]

Anthony had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE MAN of Your House". He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You'll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you'll serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, we're going upstairs and we'll have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You'll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you'll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

I would pay to see someone try and thread a sewing machine needle when the machine is running. I'm sure those of us who have ever done much sewing could do it. I don't dare try it as my hands are crippled enough by Mother Nature.

The Military Thanks You For Standing Behind Them. If You Can't Do that You Can Always Stand In Front Of Them.....Think About It.....

Thank you to those who took a step forward to save the rest who stand still.

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!""Woah, what the #### happened to him?"..."Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window.""What a horrible way to die!""No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones.""What a way to go, that's terrible!""No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him.""Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!""No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him.""Man, what a way to go!""No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him.""Now that is one awful way to go!""No no, he survived that...""Hold on now, just how the #### did he die?""I shot him!""You shot him? What the #### did you shoot him for?""He was wrecking my house."

In Honor of my nephew serving our country out of Baumholder Army Base in Germany.

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while ‘the lights would turn off.’ Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, ‘May I please use the restroom?The bartender replied, ‘OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.’ ‘Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,’ said the nun.So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. !She went to the bartender and said, ‘Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?’‘Well, now they know you’re one of us,’ said the bartender, ‘Would you like a drink?’ ‘No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,’ said the puzzled nun.‘You see,’ laughed the bartender, ‘every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out..................Now, how about that drink?’

Unless you've experienced the Unconditional Love and Loyalty of a good dog, you have yet to live."GOD BLESS OUR TROOPS,ESPECIALLY THE SNIPERS"[/[color=#FF4000]color]

*1. Teaching Math In 1960s **A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?*

*2. Teaching Math In 1970s **A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?*

*3. Teaching Math In 1980s**A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ?* *Yes or No*

*4. Teaching Math In 1990s **A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.*

*5. Teaching Math In 2000s **A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and ifyou feel like crying, it's ok).*