There’s more to shoes than stopping your socks from getting dirty – they’re one of the Magic Five. You’ve never heard of the Magic Five? That probably explains those shoes. The Magic Five is the five things someone looks at when trying to weigh up whether they fancy you or not. You think it’s a cliché that potential partners judge a man by his shoes? Seriously, men can be forgiven pretty much anything so long as they're wearing a decent pair of shoes. Criminal records, unsavoury hobbies, a total disregard for political correctness – they can all be swept away by fantastic footwear. The thing about the Magic Five is most of them are bestowed upon you by nature and almost beyond your control – the other four are arse, hair, face and smile, since you’re asking – but with shoes, it’s all down to you. It’s your time to shine. Here are the mistakes you're making.

They’re too trendy

There’s nothing wrong with keeping up with the latest styles, and I don’t believe there’s any such thing as being “age-appropriate” when it comes to clothes, but you do have to know what suits you. Wearing shoes that jar with the rest of your “look” can give the impression you’re not really as switched on as you think you are. Trends should be embraced, not chased – if it feels like a natural progression, then go for it, but if you’re trying to stay relevant, forget it. Stick to what you know, so long as what you know is actually, y’know, nice, and not some old supermarket trainers you found in the shed.

They’re outdated

Remember those big boots One Direction used to wear? The ones where you’d tuck your jeans into them and leave the boots unlaced so you looked like you’d just rolled out of bed and slung them on? Yeah, they’re not a thing anymore. The last thing you want is your shoes to carbon-date you as somebody who stopped shopping for footwear in 2011, because they assumed trends had peaked. It was a look that only really worked on popstars and models, to be honest. Ditch it.

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They have square toes

If it’s 1996 and you’re Michael Flatley and selling out stadiums with Riverdance, then a nice square-toed shoe is perfect for you. If you are none of those things, you’re going to look like a travelling salesman who lives in off-white easy iron shirts and has a gross-weight of Buzz Lightyear toys in his boot to get rid of.

You never polish them

You wouldn’t leave the house without brushing your teeth and running some product through your hair, and nor should you neglect your shoes. An over zealous shine might make you look like a bit of a sergeant-major control-freak type, but your shoes should at least be free of dirt and scuffs – unless you’re going for a rough, work-boot vibe. If so, make sure the rest of your outfit matches.

Stomp into winter with Crockett & Jones' Black Editions

They’re knackered

Shoe-bereavement is real and it is painful, and letting go of our favourite kicks can be an even bigger wrench than divorce. But let them go you must. You might think shlepping around in your tatty old sneakers or beat-up brogues conveys loyalty, or an easygoing attitude, or an assuredness in your own sartorial skill. The rest of the world, however, thinks you’re having some kind of breakdown or have secretly lost your job and haven't told anybody. If it can’t be repaired, then it has to go. “Rustic” is for sourdough pizzas, country cottages and up-cycled furniture.

They're 'limited edition' trainers

Ever wondered why they didn't make more than 500 pairs? Because they’re fugly, that's why – they know they couldn’t get enough people to buy them to break even. This kind of shoe shows you only care about the cachet of owning the product, regardless of whether it looks nice.

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You wear them with bad socks

If shoes are the king, then socks are their crown. Black socks are for funerals, brown socks should be illegal, and white socks are very hard to get right unless you’re wearing trainers or Michael Jackson’s penny loafers. Get yourself some decent socks. Be daring! Embrace colour! Patterns! Just avoid anything with the Simpsons or days of the week on.

You go sockless

You could always bare your ankles, of course, with the humble air sock. But you should only do this between late March and early October unless you’re desperate to add hypothermia to your key looks for the season. No socks and a battered pair of Toms do not a winter aesthetic make. Oh, and moisturise your ankles and tidy up any unruly foliage – yes, I’m talking about body hair. Going sockless when you’re otherwise dressed formally is a bit of a risk outside of high summer and best left to celebs. And even then it doesn’t always work. Remember Pharrell in the Blurred Lines video, with his patent derby shoes and bare ankles? The very epitome of creepy uncle. If Pharrell can’t pull it off, neither can we. I’m sorry, but that is non-negotiable.

They have frayed laces

Broken or frayed laces suggest two things: anger issues from pulling them too tight or a level of self-care that would have John McCririck advise you to get your shit together. You can buy laces for about £3.

They’re inappropriate for the occasion

Nobody cares about the boring old “brown in town” rule anymore, but your shoes do have to gel with surroundings. Clod-hopping running shoes with a suit – why? And don’t say you’re on your way to work. The entire world is a catwalk; if you’re going to rock your suit, wear the shoes to match and grab a taxi. Huge work-boots with tracksuit bottoms are fine if you’re auditioning for TOWIE but not in actual real life, where you would never stand in the corner of a nightclub at 11am and pretend to have “bants” while another scene plays out in front of you for £50 a day. No.

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You buy the same style over and over

Now, there’s a lot to be said for having a “signature style”, but failing to deviate from your tried-and-tested is perhaps not portraying you as the fashion icon you’d hoped for. Yes, those white Supergas have served you well over the years and, sure, you’ve mixed up the colours every now and again, but you need to widen your repertoire. Think of those children you see with their parents in the pub on a Sunday, wearing a ragged Spider-Man costume that they refuse to take off. You are that child. Your shoes are the Spider-man costume. And unless you can shoot webs out of your Spidey sneakers, there’s no reason to be so attached.

You wear the same pair over and over

Look, you need more than one pair of shoes. I mean, they're nice and all but your feet deserve a change of scenery. And so do we. Anything, wear anything at all. Except…

You wear flip flops and jeans

OK, so summer is but a distant memory, but you need to lock this one in. Leave Post-its for yourself all over the house, set a reminder in your - flip flops and jeans has never been acceptable, ever, no matter what 2003 may have told you. The sound of denim slapping over bony toes while your calloused heel gamely clings on to the slippery foam sole has literally never, in the history of the universe, made anyone want to go to bed with you or give you a decent job. Flip flops are worn on the beach or poolside, two places you should never find a pair of jeans. While you may think that you’re being a fashion pioneer uniting smart-casual with super-casual, you actually look like your clothes have been stolen – perhaps you left them on a beach with you went skinny dipping and you raided a bag of donations left outside a charity shop. If you’re going to wear flip flops, at least wear shorts so the sight of your calves can distract from your tootsies, very few of which bear close scrutiny.