this morning….

i woke up feeling some discomfort in my stomach but instead of taking my medicine, i decided to just stay in bed, curled and cold.

i was discharged from the hospital yesterday. was admitted due to an allergic reaction to trimox, an antibiotic treating my gall bladder infection

all of a sudden the reality of my “remission” hit me like a rod. remission only means the absence of the disease’s activity, it does not mean that the leukemia is gone. AML is still lurking somewhere in my body.

i felt so stupid trying to act as if everything will go back to normal if i try harder when i know that things will never be the same again.

remission was my body’s response to the treatment. if i remain in remission for a few years, it is possible that AML might be cured. Time is the crucial and determinative factor.

my recent tests showed that i’m still on remission and that my body is still responding positively to my medicines but…………. its not the same—every now and then i’ll get infection, there are things that i still can’t do by myself and i have 20+ medicines (5 of which are injectables) that i need to take every day, blah, blah, blah–i need not go into specifics.

to achieve long term remission, stem cell transplant was recommended by my oncologist. and as we are preparing for it now, i can’t help but feel the pressure. i’m just happy that my doctors are honest and that they listen to what i want to say. they respect me and they give me options so i can make my own choice.

i was told that relapse in AML is common and that all AML patients in remission must jump into the next phase of treatment based on the patient’s risk factors. in my case, the next phase is the transplant.

its hard to be positive when your body’s aching. but i know that if i stay being “negative” i will only make things difficult.

today, i felt the mistrust, the loosening of my hold in His hand—maybe because i’m tired, impatient, stubborn and wanting to do things my way.

but God is continuously showing me His great love—from the sunlight in the morning to the simple things that makes me smile. i just knew that even if sometimes I feel like giving up on God, He will never give up on me.

so i think i had enough of these rantings. time to take my breakfast and medicines and spend a little more time with someone who made things more bearable for me, who brought back the bright colors into my life and the reason why i have this wide 😀 on my face right now.

i wanna live one day at at time—-trusting my Jehovah Rapha every step of the way.