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Super Bowl XLVII: 20 alternatives to watching the big game

By Jeff Edelstein, Columnist, The Trentonian

Updated:
01/29/2013 09:30:54 AM EST

Jeff Edelstein

Super Bowl not your bag? Fear not. I'm here for you. I've combed through the television listings and have come up with 20 other options for your viewing pleasure while the game is on. Furthermore, I have reverse ranked them by how far removed they are, aesthetically speaking, from football. Thanks are not necessary, though they are, as always, appreciated. So just in case: You're very, very welcome.

20 — A "Law & Order" marathon on TNT. This is otherwise known as "TNT's regularly scheduled programming."

19 — A "NCIS" marathon on USA, just in case you've already watched all 14,574 episode of "Law & Order."

18 — The Lifetime Network. Honestly, I didn't even check to see what's airing on Lifetime. If I were them, I'd just put up a 1990s-era picture of Fabio and let it go at that. Kind of like the Yule Log on Christmas morning. They'd get ratings.

16 — A "Snooki and JWoww marathon" on MTV: And this is where the Roman Empire rolls on the floor laughing.

15 — "America's Funniest Home Videos" at 7 p.m. on ABC, for the small minority of us who yet to see a three-year-old hit their poor father smack dab in the snookies with a Wiffle Ball bat.

14 — A marathon of the "World's Strongest Man Competition" on ESPN, just in case the NFL, with the tight pants and such isn't, you know, sexy enough for your tastes.

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13 — From 6 p.m. to 9 p.m. on TVLand, a "Roseanne" marathon. This is specifically for husbands who think their wives are annoying. Spend three hours with Roseanne, you'll be kissing your wife's feet by 8:30 p.m.

12 — "Downton Abbey" at 8 p.m. on PBS. Remember that scene in the "40 Year Old Virgin" where Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd did the whole "You know how I know you're gay bit?" Yep. This would've fit in just fine.

11 — On Bravo at 7:30 p.m., "How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days." And ladies, if you ever do want to lose a guy in 10 days or less, trust me: Recommend this movie. You might be rid of him in 10 seconds flat.

10 — At 7 p.m. on E! is "Kourtney and Kim Take Miami." OK fine. I may flip back and forth if there's a Kim Kardashian bikini scene. I am only human.

9 — At 8 p.m. on FX, "The Proposal" with Sandra Bullock. I bet $20 Sandy is watching the Super Bowl and drinking a beer instead of watching her own flick. I like that Sandra Bullock.

8 — A "Golden Girls" marathon on the Hallmark Channel. Mock me if you must, but this is one of history's great underrated shows. You think it's just for old biddies; it's not. It's a groundbreaking look - and much more clever take - of single women and their friendships. Speaking of which

7 — At 5 p.m. on TBS, "Sex and the City 2." The first one would be sin enough, but really, the second one? Have you no shame?

6 — And at 7:30 p.m. on the Style network, a single, solitary episode of "Sex and the City," just in case you're bored of the movie and are really, really desperate in all manner of your life. Seriously: If you're watching this, you may as well just make yourself an appletini with your own tears.

5 — All night long on Fuse, it's the "Sexiest Videos of All Time." Hmmmph. Don't know how this snuck onto the list. Going to need to have a chat with my research team. And fire up the DVR!

3 — At 9 p.m. on HBO, "Girls." And if you're a boy watching this instead of the game, just hand over your jock strap. It's over. You're banned from all future male things. Like bowling and stuff.

2 — On the ID Network, a "Wives with Knives" marathon, and trust me, this is not a cooking show. What it is, however, is really, really, really clever counterprogramming. Really clever. And finally, the number one alternate thing to watch instead of the Super Bowl is

1 — At 8 p.m. on the Lifetime Movie Network is a showing of "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger" starring Tori Spelling. You know what? I'm in. That's a good flick right there.

Jeff Edelstein can be reached at facebook.com/jeffreyedelstein and twitter.com/jeffedelstein.

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