Spot the Newest Low

The poobahs of
our popular culture never seem happy unless they’re taking entertainment
down to the “next level” of deviancy. When they undertake remakes of
Hollywood classics – especially the comedies – that’s when you see how
far we’ve fallen.

The forthcoming modern-day adaptation of “The Three Stooges” isn’t
going to be a celebration of that iconic family comedy. The trailer
features Moe poking the eyes of “Snooki”Polizzi of the uber-sleazy
MTV show “Jersey Shore.” But that’s nothing compared to the real
absurdity of 19-year-old Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Kate Upton
playing a nun at the orphanage where the Stooges grew up.

Not
just a nun, but a swimsuit-model nun. In the trailer, Upton emerges
from a swimming pool in a tiny black bikini, a rosary hanging around her
neck, and a traditional habit on her head. As Moe and Larry lewdly gawk
at her, Curly says, “Hiya Sister Bernice. There’s something different about you. Did you get a haircut?”

Religious sisters take a vow of chastity. Hollywood loves to mock the Catholic Church for being out of touch.

Conclusion: Mock the chastity of nuns.

(But in a thousand years, would those brave Hollywood souls have the courage to mock a Muslim burqa?)

The cutting edge of the culture is defined by the latest video from
Jennifer Lopez, which features simulated orgy scenes. The video, for her
new song “Dance Again,” was displayed on “American Idol” recently.
Here’s what’s interesting: They featured a section of the video –
without orgy scenes -- but they still encouraged children to see more of
the video on YouTube. It already has over 14 million views. It is safe
to conclude that millions of parents have no idea their children have
been exposed to this garbage.

Hollywood has a bizarre attachment to orgies. For critics of TV raunch,
the J-Lo orgy clips resemble the controversial 2003 teenager orgy scene
on the CBS drama “Without a Trace,” where somehow the people
participating in the orgy were still in their underwear for television.
The orgy is merely implied. There was the 2005 Ying Yang Twins rap video
for “Wait (The Whisper Song),” in which the two male rap stars laid on
the floor in a mob of writhing, scantily clad women.

In her video, Lopez in a sleeveless black dress and fishnet stockings
slowly falls from above into the interlocking bodies of the orgy and
then sings “I love to make love to you, baby.” (And 43 other people?)
Her skirt is ripped off. Some of the writhing women in the Lopez video
are wearing sunglasses or Lone Ranger masks. I wouldn’t want to show my
face in this crud either.

But there’s always a lower new low. On Episode 12 of the upcoming HBO “mockumentary”
series “Angry Boys,” they feature a young girl sipping through a straw
from a very anatomically correct penis-and-testicles cup. It resembles
something called the “Pink Dicky Sport Bottle,” sold to adults in sex shops.

How young is this child? Try...between four and six.

Is HBO really proud of this program squeezing laughs out of having a pre-school actress suck on a plastic penis? Actress DeniLindholm was found through a company called “Bubblegum Casting,” which normally handles child models for department store ads.

“Angry Boys” is made by Australian comedian Chris Lilley, known primarily by “his willingness to push the obtuseness, nastiness and general cluelessness of his characters,” reports The New York Times. Naturally, HBO was desperate to co-produce this sludge.

The nasty character in this case (played by Lilley
in drag) is a ruthless, clueless Japanese mother named Jen Okazaki who
is trying to exploit the skateboarding career of her son Tim, including
floating the (untrue) rumor that he is gay and then starting a company
called Gaystyle
Enterprises. When that fails, viewers learn that she was left with a
veritable warehouse full of unsold sex products, but she says “I’ve
found it quite useful for decorating around the new house.”

The blogger Weekend Libertarian quotes more of this routine: “The c--k
cushions – just a scatter cushion, um, like so. We have just a c--k box
(for the television) here where I put my remote.” Penis products are
everywhere, with no thought for the impressionable child actors.

The child character, Cindy Okazaki, is mocked as an unfortunate
afterthought. The mother says “being a household mom is s---. You have
to constantly look after your children.” And: “I never wanted a third
child, so when Cindy came along I was a little disappointed, but what
can you do?” The character says this...while holding the child. This is
meant to be hilarious.

What Ross Perot called “that giant sucking sound” could be applied to
Hollywood, which is perennially dragging whatever we could call our
public morality down to the ugliest, most malodorous sewer. The well
gets only deeper.

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