Category Archives: Revenge

So you know how bears, gorge themselves on food in the weeks leading up to winter hibernation, so that they can sleep through Christmas, fat and happy, without having to worry about being woken up by those pesky hunger pains?

That’s kind of how I feel during May Sweeps, a.k.a. The Month When I Watch Obscene Amounts of Television to Make Up for those Pesky Summer Months When I’m Forced to Actually Socialize With Real Humans. . .

In the next thousand or so words, I’m going to summarize for you just the important things that happened this week on Once Upon a Time, Revenge, Game of Thrones, and Mad Men. This way, if you happen to be a Non-TV Watching Person, you will have enough information at your disposal to fake it with your friends. Sound like a plan?

. . . which would pretty much make Once Upon a Time the most annoying show on the planet. So, of course, Can’t Hardly Wait Guy had to be stopped! Surprisingly, Evil Queen Regina was willing to die to service the cause of Less Obnoxious Television . . .

This was noble gesture, I guess. But it put us pretty much right back where we started, in deathly fear of the impending doom of Season 3 becoming Once Upon a Henry.

Meanwhile, back in Flashback Land, Captain Hook showed off a softer cuddlier version of himself, when he bonded with a younger version of that Serial Killer from Season 1 of True Blood . . .

This, of course, made me exceptionally happy. After all, up to this point, Captain Hook was my favorite character on the show, simply because he’s sexy. I loved him, even though he was kind of a sh*thead. And that me feel like a Terrible Person . . .

But this week, we learned that Captain Hook isn’t really a sh*thead. He just had a “bad childhood.”

When Hook found out that Baelfire was the son of his mortal enemy, Rumplestiltskin, he did a really nice thing, by not immediately turning him over to that Scary Pale-Faced Lost Boy! Hook bonded with Baelfire first . . .

STORYBROOKE WAS SAVED! Even better, news . . . Can’t Hardly Wait Guy kidnapped Henry! So, what seemed like it was going to be the Only Henry Show, now had the potential to become the Everything But Henry Show . . .

But then the Storybrooke Gang found out that Can’t Hardly Wait Guy was working for the most nefarious villain of all time . . . Peter Pan?

Peter Pan is EVIL? The guy who gets off on coming into kids homes in the middle of the night, and taking them from their families, hangs out with Lost Boys, and refuses to grow up, even though he’s probably SUPER OLD, by now? Next you’re going to tell me Santa Claus isn’t real . . .

Having successfully crushed my childhood dreams of Peter Pan as a “cool dude crushing on Wendy,” the Storybrooke crew decides it has to travel to Neverland to save Annoying Henry. And guess who decided to help?

Conrad Grayson colluded with the Initiative (a collective of 1%er terrorists, who capitalize on human tragedy for their own personal financial gain) to blow up his own company, just so he could become EVEN richer . . . THAT BASTARD!

Aiden Mathis killed that Mr. Miyagi guy, Takeda, and tried to cover it up, so he could keep schtupping Emily/Amanda . . . THAT BASTARD!

Aiden wanted Emily to run away with her, and stop Reveng-ing. But, ultimately, he let her go, because he believes she loves Jack more.

This is true, even though Jack’s been kind of sh*tty to Emily/Amanda lately. And that makes Jack kind of a . . . wait for it. . . BASTARD.

Daniel Grayson may have killed Aiden, and then showed up to his father’s inaugural thingy, wearing a shirt covered in the dead guy’s blood, like it was no big deal . . . THAT BASTARD!

Emily finally revealed her true identity to Jack, just as he was going to kill Conrad Grayson. (That doesn’t really make her a bastard. I just wanted to share the moment with you, and couldn’t think of another way to fit it in.)

And finally, Victoria’s long lost son showed up at her doorstep. He’s literally a Bastard . . . not that there’s anything wrong with that . . .

. . . She’s kind of like a hot female version of Abe Lincoln, you know?

But most important, to me anyway, was the moment when Jamie Lannister, formerly known as The Guy Who Pushes Little Boys Out Ten-Story Windows So that He Can Continue To Have Sex with his Sister . . .

. . . won my heart. First, he tearfully promised his reluctant companion-turned-obvious soulmate, the adorably awkward Brienne of Tarth that he would return the Stark girls to their mother, to defend his lady’s honor.

Then, as if that wasn’t enough,Jamie returns to Harrenhal, just in time to jump into a deep pit, and SAVE BRIENNE FROM A BEAR!

Honestly, all I want from a guy is for him to jump into a pit and save me from a wild rabid beast, determined to eat off my face. Is that too much to ask?

You know you’re a seriously bad dude when you can’t even be nice to THE WOMAN YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE WITH!

Fearing that the merger of SCDP and CDG, which he orchestrated, would cause him to lose his Big Boy Pants at the office, Don went all 50 Shades of Pathetic, on his neighbor / mistress, Lindsey Weir from Freaks and Geeks, by making her kneel on the ground before him and tie his shoes, forcing her to stay in bed while he worked, and telling her that she “wasn’t allowed to think.”

But the last straw really came about, when Don had the nerve to STEAL LINDSEY’S BOOK! No one comes between a girl and her book. . . NO ONE!

This heinous action caused Lindsey to awaken from the dream that she was dating Hot Mysteriously Broody Don from Seasons 1 and 2, and realize that she was actually dating, Self-Destructive, Alcoholic, Not-Quite-as-Hot, Loser Don from Season 6. . .

So, Lindsey kicked Don to the curb, rejoined the Mathletes, and all, once again, became right in the world. . .

Unfortunately, however, Don’s reign of terror wasn’t over yet. He later took his wrath out on his new partner, Ted Chaough, by getting the latter wasted at the office, so that he would embarrass himself in front of his employees . . .

Also this week on Mad Men, poor Joan Holloway had a bit of a health scare of the ovarian cyst variety. Fortunately, that Adorable Ass Kiss Bob Benson was there to rescue her. Not only did he personally escort her to the hospital, and get her in to see the doctor, right away, by claiming she accidentally swallowed furniture polish . . .

. . . he even stopped by her home later on in the evening to check on her, and bring her baby boy the adorably age inappropriate gift of a football!

Hey, I know you guys all don’t trust this guy. You think he’s a mole from a rival agency, or an FBI G-Man out to investigate the ad guy formally known as Dick Whitman, or a homeless man, or a homicidal maniac out to murder Joan and then eat her face off with a pair of chopsticks. But I LIKE Bob Benson, dammit! And until I learn otherwise, I’m just going to assume he’s a polite attractive, well-dressed, gentleman, who really, really, REALLY loves his coffee . . .

[Don’t worry, my fellow Fangbangers / Upper East Siders. I haven’t forgotten about you! I know I’ve been a bit remiss in my blogging recently, due to some real-life issues I’ve been facing. But I’m BACK now. You can expect a recap of The TVD season premiere “Growing Pains,” and a GG-related post, hopefully within the next 24 hours. Thanks for your patience!]

SO, what exactly does this have to do with Jess and Nick, you might be asking yourself if you didn’t see the episode. WHY DIDN’T YOU WATCH THE EPISODE DAMMIT? IT WAS A GOOD EPISODE! GET OFF THE INTERNET AND WATCH IT NOW, YOU LAZY BUM?

Hmmm . . . let’s think about this for a second. In what ways have we seen Nick fluff Jess . . .

Actually, the answer is a bit more abstract than that. You see, according to Winston, Jess gets the emotional perks of coupledom from Nick, which , in turn, her up mentally, to BONE This Guy . . .

Porn analogies aside, Nick’s conundrum actually prompts viewers to, once again, consider that age-old question: Can men and women (particularly single men and women) be friends, or will sexual tension and unrequited feelings of lust / love on the part of one or both of the parties inevitably taint the “purity” of the platonic relationship?

In the case of Jess and Nick, the question was . . . at least for the time being . . . decided in the affirmative. With the help of some super sexy squabbling . . .

. . . our two adorkable loft mates ultimately concluded that, provided that they set some boundaries in their relationship (NO MORE FLUFFING!), Jess and Nick could, and should, remain friends, despite the fact that they both constantly dream about f*&king one another senseless . . .

Of course, the question remains: How long can these two keep up the pretense of platonic friendship, before their baser instincts take over, and good ole horny human nature is allowed to run its course?

Because if Harry and Sally are any indication it could take them anywhere from two days . . .

. . . to TWELVE YEARS . . .

Of course, Nick and Jess weren’t the only TV characters suffering from the slings and blue balls arrows of friendship-without-the-benefits this week. Get a load of Mulan . . .

Talk about a hardcore fluffer! I mean, this chick spent 28 years helping the guy she was head over heels in love with slay dragons and conquer evil, just so that she could watch him wake up his narcoleptic girlfriend, and engage in some nauseatingly overzealous PDA with her . .

Let that be a lesson to you unrequited lusters out there! If you happen to be one of those people who’s secretly in love with your best friend, you MUST tell him (or her) how you feel, ASAP. I mean, sure, it might ruin your friendship. But, hey, you never know when a Dementor from the Harry Potter movies is going to come and eat the face off of the maybe-love of your life, thereby ruining every chance you ever had at happiness . . . FOREVER!

Of course, Mulan wasn’t the only TV warrior princess forced to “fluff” from the sidelines this week, while someone else reaped her sexual rewards . . . Care for a little Revenge with your emotional fluffery? I thought you might . . .

You’ve met Emily Thorne, right? You know, the girl who’s real name is actually Amanda Clarke. But she is pretending to be Emily Thorne, in order to wreak vengeance upon the Evil Rich People who played a role in the untimely death of her father, David Clarke?

And if you’ve met Emily, then you’ve probably also met Faux-Manda, the girl who switched identities with the real Amanda Clarke, in juvie, and did a brief stint as a murderess stripper . . .

. . . before totally Single White Female-ing Emily / Amanda, i.e. stealing her wholesome bartender boyfriend right out from under her, by pretending that she’s actually Amanda Clarke . . .the chick he hung out with back when he was eight.

. . . because that’s not creepy at all . . .

Confused?

It gets worse. Not only did Faux-Manda steal Jack, the Blue Collar Bundle of Beer-Stained Joy, right out from under Real-Manda / Faux Emily (F-emily?) ‘s nose, she also somehow managed to convince him that she’s carrying his floppy haired, future bar mop- slinging spawn.

Faux-Manda gets to bump uglies with him on a regular basis, dance on top of his bar, sleep in his bed, and carry what might very well be (though we are still doubtful) his toastie townie bun in her oven. Talk about UNFAIR!

This, of course, raises another rather interesting question about the duties unrequited lovers have toward the objects of their affection. Is it slightly out of line / a wee-bit opportunistic to tell your pal / wanna-be lover that his or her current significant other is a lowlife / skank?

On one hand, this might be overstepping your bounds as “friend / fluffer.” Plus, there’s always the chance that your buddy crush might get offended by your accusations, and end up, as they say, shooting the messenger.

And, if you happen to be Emily Thorne, there’s that whole “that b*tch can totally blow my cover / ruin my REVENGE” thing with which to contend as well . . .

And yet, lets not forget the possibility that, if we don’t speak out, our loved ones might very well end up gettin their FACES SUCKED OFF off by the Dementor from Harry Potter . . .

So, it turns out that, contrary to popular belief, Theon Greyjoy didn’t actually kill those two Stark boys, burn up their bodies, and hang them out to rot, outside the Gates of Winterfell. Instead, he killed two random farmer boys, burned their bodies, and hung them out to rot, outside the Gates of Winterfell . . . which I guess is a relief . . . unless you happen to be those two farmers boys . . .

In other mistaken identity news, Cersei did not, in fact have Tyrion’s Whore beaten, like she claimed she did. Instead, she had some OTHER whore beaten, who Tyrion had to PRETEND was his whore, to protect his real whore. Am I sensing a pattern here?

Needless to say in the romantic comedy version of this story, Brienne and Jamie would tip over their canoe in a sexually tense fight, and would subsequently have to “get out of their wet clothes.” Then, they would fight some more, finally ending a passionate kiss, only to have some medieval object get in the way . . . like a metal face mask . . . or an inconveniently placed sword . . . Ouch.

In other news, please, for the love of all that is holy, GIVE THIS WOMAN BACK HER DRAGONS!

. . . or you start working at the A&P, join the Hari Krishna movement, and pen bad Star Trek spec scripts with titles like “The Negron Complex.” That hair though . . . it reminds me of someone . . .

See, all this time, I’ve been dating Puck from Glee, I never knew he was a Hari Krishna. You think you know a guy . . .

Meanwhile, Lane Pryce is in deep doo-doo, because he started forging company check’s to pay off his Mother Country tax debt . . .

But hey, Don Draper isn’t really Don Draper, right? So, I guess if you’re going to forge someone’s name on a check, his is probably your best bet. After all, he forges his name all the time. Anyway, Lane . . . you’re probably going to end up in jail . . . or deported . . . or you just might off yourself by the season’s end. But hey, it could be worse. You could be wearing this shirt . . .

In other news, Don and Megan went to a play. Apparently, it was supposed to be about the horrors of advertising. But to me it just looked like an extended public service announcement about why we should bring naptime back to the workplace . . .

Speaking of Megan . . . Don, the next time you plan on going out joyriding an getting wasted with Joan after work, you should strongly consider calling your wife, and letting her know you are going to be late . . . unless, of course, you enjoy eating spaghetti off your dining room wall . . .

This, of course, brings me to my absolute favorite part of this episode . . . Don and Joan . . . Joan and Don. This mostly platonic (but highly sexually charged) pairing is filled with so much awesomeness that no elevator, bar, or backseat of a newly purchased Jaguar could possibly contain it.

And, perhaps, the most shocking thing of all? They haven’t slept together . . . yet.

Girls – “The Return”

Those of you who watch “Girls” know that it is not at all uncommon for the main character, Hannah Horvath to do, say, or experience something that makes you want to go hide under your bed in cringeworthy embarrassment on her behalf.

But regardless of how you might personally feel about Hannah, your heart really had to go out to her in this week’s episode. I mean, no one should have to help her late-middle aged father off the bathroom floor, while he’s suffering from a sex injury, after an unfortunate incident involving doggy style in the shower with mom. NO ONE!

Nineties kids and teens alike really got a kick out of this week’s Glee finale, which bid its senior class adieu by covering moderately oldies but still goodies, like the New Radicals “Get What You Give,” and “I’ll Remember,” which I mistakenly thought was “That Madonna Song from A League of Her Own” but my friend informed me was actually “That Madonna Song from With Honors.”

If watching Burt Hummel dance to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)” on his son’s behalf doesn’t make you smile, you don’t have a soul. I’m sorry. There’s just no nice way of saying it . . .

In less happy news, here’s a little tip my old wise ass has for those of you folks who are currently eagerly awaiting your college acceptance letters. DO NOT . . . I repeat . . . DO NOT decide to open your letters with your friends because you think it will be a “bonding experience.”

You know what’s not a “bonding experience?” Anything that entails your getting heart ripped out of your chest, while having to pretend that you’re actually happy for your friend who got into the school you didn’t, while your lifelong dreams were squashed . . . like a bug lying on a football field during game time.

And yet, while it was certainly shocking that Whoopi Goldberg let Rachel “I choked” Berry into NYATA, but not Kurt (I mean, let’s face it, no one was really all that surprised about Finn getting dumped from The Actor’s Studio, right?), that was actually not the most jaw-dropping moment of the episode. That moment actually came much later, when Finn did the classic 8:53 p.m fake out, and decided to . . . um . . . White Fang his high school sweetheart, Rachel. (Those of you who watch New Girl know exactly what I’m talking about.)

That’s right. Finn Hudson didn’t marry Rachel Berry. And he didn’t let her postpone her acceptance to NYATA to spend another year with Finn in Lima. Instead, he broke up with her in the car on the way to their “wedding,” shoved her on a train, while she blubbered like a baby, and announced he was enlisting in the army . . . all in under five minutes . . .

Now, if you’ve ever read my Gleecaps before back when I actually used to write Gleecaps you probably know that I’ve never exactly been the biggest Finchel fan. And yet, I found this whole scene surprisingly emotional, due in a large part to Lea Michele just really knocking the scene out of the park.

So, remember that friend of mine? The one who corrected me about the film source of that Madonna cover? Well, this scene actually prompted a rather heated discussion between us. I mean sure, we started off simply enough, by discussing whether Finn Hudson was built for a career in armed services, and whether we thought Cory Monteith would look hot in a buzz cut . . .

But eventually we got around to talking about the nature of Finn’s sacrifice. Personally, I thought it was probably the most noble thing the character has done in his entire time on the show. In fact, watching this scene was the first time I really believed Finchel might actually make it in the long haul. Because let’s face it, had Finn let Rachel defer her dreams on his behalf, the mutual resentments that would inevitably fester between them would have inevitably eaten their relationship alive. Now, Rachel can sow her wild oats for a little while with some hipster types, Finn can finally get a haircut that fits his face, and eventually, they both can live happily ever after . . . EVERYBODY WINS!

My friend, on the other hand, thought Finn was a TOTAL ASS for surprise dumping Rachel in a car, and subsequently inviting all her friends and her TEACHER (?) to the train station to see her snot and cry.

To each his own, I guess . . .

And finally . . .

Revenge – “Reckoning”

Now, here is a show that’s known for its twists, turns, and that adorable bionic dog that didn’t age for 20 plus years. (R.I.P. Sammy!)

So, when it came time for the finale, we expected drama. We expected to see Nolan fighting for his life, and Emily rushing to rescue her only true ally . . .

Most of us probably even expected that Emily would face off against the EEEEEVVVIL White Haired Man . . . but probably wouldn’t actually kill him . . . because it’s only the show’s first season . . .

. . . Emily subsequently opening her heart to Barman Jack, only to find out that her alter ego, Faux-Manda Clark, is back in town and totally pretending to be pregnant with his child . . .

And then came the last five minutes of the episode, which packed into them no less than THREE potential deaths, one awakening from the dead (Emily’s mom), a MASSIVE CONSPIRACY, and possibly the best use of Florence and the Machines song “Seven Devils” of all time!

Now, personally, I don’t really think either Victoria or Charlotte Grayson actually went into that big ole Hamptons Mansion in the sky. (Lydia’s probably a goner. I mean, seriously, how many times do they have to almost-kill this woman, before she finally stays dead?) But I still have to give the writers props for “going there,” and for crafting what was possibly the best five minutes of television I’ve seen all year. And as for Season 2, all I’ve gotta say is this . . .