"Come die with me"

'Russian Airline Pilots are so drunk they are not even able to complete their log-book between flights since they don't know where they've landed or where they took off from' - a report has revealed.

Air stewards are said to regularly step in to complete the details however there are safty concerns since they also have to estimate fuel requirements and decipher taxi-ing intructions from the control tower.

The matter was brought to a head after a trainee steward walked out onto the wing mid flight after he was asked to 'adjust the flaps'. Miraculously he survived, landing in a snow drift, but he subsequently went on to become a key witness in the enquiry. He stated;

"Once we're up in the air, apparently the computers can do everything but if something happens and we can't arouse or find the pilots, we usually have to 'hit and hope' all the buttons like stockbrokers, or wiggle the controls until things get better."

"Since there is free Vodka on board, passengers rarely notice anything other than a serious crash, but clearing up after the pilots is getting everyone down. On one journey, the toilets were unspeakable after the Captain and a stewardess spent the whole flight there 'making a video'."

None of the pilots involved were able to comment since they have all passed on in various tragedies.

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