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The Koala’s A.S. Election Endorsements

First, we at The Koala would like to commend The Guardian for their excellent A.S. Election endorsements. We believe that all of the chosen candidates have a history of unemotional, rational decision making, aligned with the United States Constitution, and the community’s best interest are perfect for the positions at hand; thus, we have chosen the exact same endorsements as The Guardian. In our own interviews with the candidates we grilled them with tough questions such as “Where do you stand on lowering tuition?” and “Why are you in favor of making more S spots?”. Our endorsements reflect who we believe would be the most qualified to actualize their unique goals at UCSD during their one-year terms as really, really important people.

Daniel Juarez (Students Determined to Suck Dick) El Presidente

With realistic plans, tangible testicles, ample experience and genuine passion for making people too afraid of being called privileged to tell him her no, it is clear to us that Daniel Juarez will be the A.S. President UCSD deserves and needs. Across the board, her his plans illustrate a dedication to abuse resources, and the unique ability to whine enough to get his her way. In short, we believe Daniel Juarez has the cojones to stand up the administration.

Laura Roberts is a well-versed candidate indeed, making her perfect for the position of Vice President of External Affairs. When asked about her platform, she mumbled something about starting a dialogue with incarcerated people and then using funds to better fund the UC system. In our attempt to decipher her positions, we concluded that Roberts wants to bring in incarcerated peoples in order to diversify the school. We here at the Koala think this is a brilliant plan and so Lauren Roberts has our full endorsement, we’re sure you won’t fuck it up, Lauren.

Sabrina Ekdahl (Tritons Un-tied) VP Of Campus Affairs

With an impractical, naive approach to campus-wide issues and reality in general, Sabrina Ekdahl is a candidate who will be active in engaging UCSD students with really, really simple solutions. Ekdahl understands that some students will have to live off campus and believes a better, immediate alternative is providing adequate resources to prepare for that initial move — like giving them free Pi Phi t-shirts. Ekdahl is also an advocate for world peace, ending global warming, feeding the children in Africa, and making sure everyone is proficient in airbrushing their flaws away.

Aditi Gautam (Independent) Campus Wide Senator

Not being able to get along with anyone, Aditi Gautam decided to run as an independent candidate for the A.S. Campus-wide Senator position. Aditi has a strong personal opinion on how to approach a wide range of issues that she thinks will make students want to vote for her. Throughout her college career, Aditi has obtained necessary experience, both walking and biking to class, as well as occasionally eating at her favorite dining hall, Canyon Vista. Cooperation, transparency and agency is what Aditi stands for, and well, we can see right through her.

Desiree Johnson (Tritons Un-tied) Campus Wide Senator

Desiree Johnson of Tritons Untied hopes, if elected, to represent the intersection of pre-med and black communities, of which she is the only current member. Johnson filled the diversity quota to serve on the First Year Council, and then on the Warren College Student Council, all the while helping shut down Porter’s Pub. Her involvement with Black Student Union gives Johnson the necessary experience to start conversations about diversity and inclusion at UCSD while simultaneously making others feel uncomfortable, unnecessarily guilty, and even a little angry. Overall, Johnson’s community involvement and clear ideas for improving on-campus transportation make Johnson a valuable addition to next year’s A.S. Council.

Lesly Figueroa (Students Determined to Suck Dick) Campus Wide Senator

Lesly Figueroa’s strength lies in how she wishes to educate students on issues dealing with agricultural and waste management systems and where food comes from and who grows it. Originally we were a little skeptical about whether she was up for the task; however, after speaking with her we realized that she was the right person for the job. A self-proclaimed waste management expert, Lesly says she first learned from her Abuela Alma how to clean a mean living room and pick up some free goodies along the way. “I also want to show people where the food in the dining halls come from” she said, staring longingly out the window at the empty field outside. We here at the Koala appreciate all the work the Latino community claims to do and support Lesly.

Morgan Kuwashima (Tritons Un-tied) Campus Wide Senator

Eighth-year candidate Morgan Kuwashima promises to bring seoul to each one of her projects as A.S. Campus-wide Senator. Although she’s an eighth-year, Morgan personally blames an understaffed Counseling and Psychological Services for her failures (although her parents certainly don’t) and believes that conversations surrounding the issue needs to be an inherent part of campus rhetoric. According to Morgan, spirit at UCSD is a problem and moving up to Division-I will indeed improve how students experience their campus. Most individuals in favor of the referendum would agree, people not in favor of the referendum would not agree, while those who are neutral may not yet have an opinion.

Rachel Adams (Students Determined to Suck Dick) Campus Wide Senator

Spirited and balanced, Rachel sticks out for her caustic approach to issues facing our campus. Her priority is bringing peer-to-peer mental health counseling to UCSD, which she hopes will give students an outlet to share their daily struggles to apathetic peers, and give psychology majors an opportunity to deal with malpractice suits and HIPAA violations early on in their careers.

Remember to vote this week on TritonLink! If not enough students vote we’ll have to collectively suffer through another week of pandering on Library Walk. Let’s get this over with.