Hey Baby, Wanna Check Out My Question of the Week?

(I know it has been for a while, but we have late seasons here, so it’s just now warming up)

Flowers blooming, birds singing, lawns needing to be mowed every fifteen damn minutes. It’s a magical time of year. It’s also, of course, the season of love. Pure, innocent love. Also, desperate, creepy love. Time for those lacking in any social skills to attempt to snare a mate through that lowest of means, the pick up line. And they can get pretty bleak, can’t they? But that’s when they get really fun – the bad, bad pick up lines. For this week’s Weekly Question of the Week, I though it’d be fun to come up with the worst pick up line you can. It can be one you’ve heard, but really reach down deep and give me the worst pick up line you can. Along the lines, of, perhaps…

From the always brilliant xkcd.com

“Did you know that 97% of venereal diseases are easily treatable?”

Or…

“So, the cop failed to appear and the judge dismissed the entire case. Which means I have got some free time tonight and am in the mood to celebrate.”

Or…

“I just picked up a hide-a-bed someone threw out by the side of the freeway. Wanna come check it out?”

Or maybe… something even better! So hit me with your worst pick up line.

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About The Byronic Man

Recently voted "The Best Humor Site in America That I, Personally, Write," The Byronic Man is sometimes fiction, but sometimes autobiography. And sometimes cultural criticism. Oh, and occasionally reviews. Okay, it's all those different things, but always humorous. Except on the occasions that it's not. Ah, geez. Look, it's a lot of things, okay? You might like it, is the point.

51 Comments on “Hey Baby, Wanna Check Out My Question of the Week?”

I have been married forever – or so it seems – and I seldom hang around in spots where pick-up lines are used. I do, however, get hit on a lot when I am out with my dog…something about a 90 pound canine with 3 inch teeth turns men (mostly old, mostly drunk, but whatever) into would-be Romeos. Of course, said dog’s nose is roughly crotch-high and she has a dog’s habit of introducing herself by sniffing parts…so the worst pick-up line I’ve heard has been “I think people should introduce themselves like dogs, don’t you?”

I can’t even remember them all, I was a bartender and shot tournament pool for years. Some were so bad they made me want to retch. It is amazing what men will say with a bit of liquid courage.

I did have the Sargent at Arms of the local chapter of the Bandidos once swoop all my balls off the table during a match and tell me ‘little girls’ should play men’s games. He got several stitches for his efforts.

I haven’t heard a pick up line in decades. Until just recently. I was at McDonald’s with my kids. I had bought a giant sweet tea for myself. As I stood up to leave, this man sitting behind me with a group of other men smiled at me and called out, “Well now! Woowee! That’s quite a big gulp for such a cute little lady such as yourself! Need any help with that?” then he winked at me and his friends all laughed as they all looked me up and down. I’d guess he was about 95 years old. Yup. Still got it.

Being male I’ve never had a pickup line used on me. I guess women know a lame move and don’t use them. I’ve been afraid to use a pickup line because I get enough rejection as it is. Like the entries though.

Not the worst, not the most clever and not a laugh riot — but the most common pick-up line I heard in college was always, “Hey, weren’t you in my freshman (insert field of study I’ve never enrolled in) class?!” I apparently took about 20 classes that I have no memory of actually taking — although, if it were my freshman year, that’s entirely possible.

I’m not advocating this (clearly) but surely the worst pick up line has to be simply “Get in the van”…
Almost as bad is the “Do you have any Irish in you?”….”Would you like some?”. It helps if you’re an Irishman for this to work, but feel free to adapt to your own ethnicity…

I honestly do not know how to judge the worst pickup line, or how to formulate one. I’ve blocked out most of the ones I’ve heard. But here’s a gem I got from a homeless guy across the street from my office once: “I want to be your husband! I love you like hot McDonald’s french fries!” Totally made my day.

I was nineteen, of perfectly legal drinking age in England where I was visiting, and went out to a bar with a friend of mine. She worked with race horses and so the bar we went to was a place that jockeys or want to be jockeys hung out. A fellow of short stature came up to me and asked if I had any Irish in me. Being naive and rather innocent I proceeded to tell him of my mutt like ethnicity, which does not include any Irish. He then responded, “Well then, would you like some?” Confused I asked, “Like some what?” With a wicked grin he drunkenly slurred “Like some Irish in ya.” I was so taken a back and disgusted by the thought that I laughed in his face and told him that was a good one but no way in hell that was going to happen – at least with him.

As a ballroom dance instructor, I never bother with pickup lines: Half the women I dance with are married; the other half think I’m gay (I swear I’m straight–damn you, Carmine Ragusa!). However, if I were to use a totally lame pick-up line, it might go like this:
“You really know how to vertically express my horizontal wishes.”

A bazillion years ago I was introduced to a guy at a college party who basically said “Hi – I’ll be right back , I need to call mom & tell her I met the girl of my dreams”….I really wanted to say “or of your nightmares…”

( love the cartoon – xkcd is my fav – they did a great one on the Princess Bride ! )

A guy asked me when my birthday was. I was hesitant to tell him, but he was persistent. I finally told him. He said, “I knew you were a Scorpio. You’re throwing off a wicked Scorpio vibe.” My sense is that if I’d told him another date, he would have said I was “throwing off a wicked Cancer vibe!”

At a dance club, my friend dropped her purse and when I went to bend down to get it I heard “Hey, while you’re down there” now I’m not sure if that was a “pick-up” line or death wish..my face said death wish, but something tells me the drunk heard something completely different. You asked!

Just reading that caused physical revulsion in me. I always say that every man should get hit on by other men at least once in their lives. Not saying women can’t commit their share of violations, but everyone should understand what it’s like to have a full-on predator get you in its sights. Some guys might change their thinking. Maybe.

I am still in shock from reading these comments. I’m pretty upset I don’t have any good pick-up line stories. (Although I guess “You’ve got curves in all the right places” is pretty creepy.) The worst I can imagine right now would be along the lines of, “Do you want to see my anime collection?”