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Sir Neo

Sir Neo was a friend of mine I always said: he’s the one. Apparently he isn’t, because he now has a girlfriend and doesn’t talk to me anymore. I met him on the internet and we intended to date for years. Never seen him in the end. He’s all jealous when I have a boyfriend though. Weirdo. (2010-2012)

I am currently reading a book series called “The Summer I Turned Pretty”. It’s about 14yo-Belly, who is in love with Conrad. But Conrad doesn’t acknowledge her as more than a sister. She keeps going back to him, although she meets other nice boys and even has a boyfriend at some point, who is very loving. But whenever Conrad shows a glimpse of interest, she let’s everyone else fall.

What is she talking about? You might ask. Right now I feel a bit like Belly.
Remember Dodo? You know, he told me I was the one and we kept chatting every once in a while. He had fallen into depression shortly after what happened with us back in summer and I felt the need to help him out. This got to a peak around Christmas when he drunk-texted me that he really hoped he would die. I told him to search professional help. I was there for him all along, because I didn’t want him to feel rejected. I liked the idea of someone loving me, although I couldn’t give it back and I was having trouble with this situation in the beginning.

It never crossed my mind that he might move on. Silly me.
Yesterday he texted me saying that he’s had a date. Now here comes the weird thing. I felt a bit… jealous. Although I do not even want to be with him, I just always knew there was someone out there still loving me. It gave me some kind of weird power, it made me feel like I was worth the love. Him talking about how good the date was going and they will start dating, it made me feel a bit.. worthless.
Like.. everybody around me is getting the love they deserve (and he truly does deserve it!) and I’m just here like “hey, don’t forget about me guys?!”.
Adding into that, that I have lately bumped into high school friends that are happily married, pregnant or just in a long-term relationship. I just feel like a complete loser lately. I don’t know what to do, because I wish to be them. I want to be happy with a man that accepts me for me. That doesn’t try to belittle me. This just sucks. Big time.

On a bright note. I finally deleted Neo’s number. He hasn’t texted me since Saturday(?) when I asked him when he will fly out. That pretty much sums up what has been going on.

Deep down I always knew it would end this way. Yet, I also knew he was one of those guys I just was deeply in love with. One that seemed to(o) perfect with only a few little imperfections. Taking a step back, looking back at them, they are not so little. They are actually huge.

I knew Neo would cancel our plans. I knew it. I was not disappointed. I was not sad. I am just angry at him. Why?
When he texted me last week, asking if we could “postpone” the date (or rather mildly saying it will never happen aka “if we date, then maybe after Dublin”), he said it would get too stressful for him as he had to fly out to Dublin this week. I figured his flight was going on Sunday (today) or Monday, latest – but didn’t actually know. I was totally understanding that he didn’t want to get stressed out with all the packing and stuff. I was even ready to leave holidays early when he asked for the weekend. Glad I didn’t.

I just asked him when he was flying. He said Wednesday.

Wednesday? Seriously? It would get too stressful? Why? Do you have to reach the airport on foot? Are you leaving for emigration or what? Need any special papers? Need to rob a bank first?

What. The. Actual. Fuck?

I’m just asking myself if he doesn’t realise that I actually know that he’s playing. Once more. I had once before told him to fuck off because he was doing this. He then said that he was being scared to meet up, because he’s a spontaneous person. I suggested that he’d text me once he’s somewhere around my place. Guess what? Never did.
I’m just too good of a person to always give them yet another chance. I’m not even sure if I’d do it once more. I am that stupid.

About an hour after I published that last post, Neo texted me again. I hadn’t replied to one of his messages at this point, because he asked me to come over and stay at his house. We all know I am still a burnt kid, who will not trust any man. Especially not one that has lied to me before. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with the thoughts, whether or not he only wants to get me laid.
So. He texted me again a few hours later saying: “I’m not sure if our date will actually work out. I just booked a flight to Dublin next week and it might get a little stressful. If there will be a date, then could we maybe meet after Dublin? If that’s okay for you, too?”
I probably would have been devastated. But as I mentioned in my last post, I already doubted that he will go through with the date, so I really expected this to happen at some point this week. I would have actually been surprised if it would have worked out. At least this time he told me, instead of just not contacting me again.
But his words “if, then…” just state that there most likely never will be a date. Right?

So yeah. I will still play along, but as I promised myself 4 years ago, I will not be the one to ask for a date… ever again. I’m not even sad a little bit, but the fact how much I knew this would happen, this makes me a little sad. It makes me sad for the trust I’m trying to gain again in men and it just doesn’t happen. Oh well.

The new year seems to bring quite a few new challenges news. Now behold, even I myself was very surprised about this change of events.

Remember Neo?
Yes, I know. It’s been years. To be precise… it’s been 3.5 years. I just reread the posts about him and funnily enough, I still feel about the same. I haven’t talked to him in a very long time. We did chat every once in a while during his absence, but he was in a relationship and I didn’t want to be that girl.

A couple of weeks ago he liked a picture of me and we started chatting again. Yesterday he begun to be all flirty again, so I already guessed that things with his girlfriend were over. And that is the case, as he later on admitted.

What I did not expect though: he asked me out. He was being flirty, telling me he’d like to kiss me (things he’s said before, I know and I do not buy it) and then he said I should come over. As I’m on holidays right now, this will not happen. We kept chatting and he then asked to make plans for the weekend. I agreed.

Why?
I do not know.

I do not want to date. I don’t want a boyfriend. I have huge trust issues right now, which I need to overcome. But then, what is there to lose?
As quickly as he’s vanished from my life before, as quickly my feelings came back now. I was smirking like a little girl when we flirted. He has always been some kind of dream boy for me. I never really forgot about him (and so did he, or so he says). And I have forever wanted to meet him.
I don’t even know whether he wants to only get into my knickers or is actually interested in me. But right now, I don’t even care. I don’t believe a word he says, after everything that has happened in the past. I also don’t believe that he will actually show up, but I’m playing along. I am curious – to say the least.

We will see.
At least it’s a very interesting start into 2016. What more has life planned for me?

Nothing has happened really. I texted Josh several times, just to receive more or less one-word-replies, so I gave up on this one. It’s not quite as hard as I thought it would be, I mean it was all cute when we used to write, but we didn’t match that good to be sad about being dumped, really. We had a fun time, I guess that was it. At least he’s a good guy and does answer, although he does let me feel that he’s done with us.

Jason keeps making comments about me, without mentioning my name – as if I wouldn’t notice. He also keeps getting wasted every weekend now, but I actually don’t give a fuck anymore. I know he’s childish, but I didn’t think he’d react like a 6-year-old to what I’ve done. And I do answer to every message he sends me, so we haven’t talked in a while.. guess he isn’t up to it anymore. Oh and by the way, I will definitely NOT go to his place on Christmas, because my friend now has a boyfriend and whatever. I might go on holidays with Mr. Cucu instead – yes he is still alive and still in MY life. I was quite surprised when he offered to go on holidays with me when we watched a movie yesterday.

Okay this turns out to be an update on everybody I ever talked about on here, so let’s be clean and do EVERY single guy: Sir Neo apparently has a girlfriend now, although I do not know for sure. I couldn’t care less either, because he didn’t feel the need to ever write again. So that’s okay. The guy from the past is ignoring me, too. I texted him a week ago. He did reply, but just once. So I was like “well then, don’t talk to me!”, didn’t make a change either.

Bear hasn’t messaged me yet either. Me neither. I could text him tonight, like I usually do.. but I think I will actually wait till he’s up to writing with me this time. I still would love to see him and see how we match in real life, without being drunk and stuff, but it’s okay if he doesn’t want to. And I don’t want to make him feel weird around me. I am surprised that we still do talk though, I would’ve never guessed so after that weekend. But there has to be SOMETHING he’s interested in, otherwise he’d just ignore me. Right? I don’t know, he’s weird.

I’ll just stay forever alone in the mean time *sigh* or maybe I magically get to know a boy who’s actually interested and not making a huge mess outta everything. I did meet a cute guy at work, but I feel like a total creeper to add him on facebook, so yeah…

I am now able to test whether Neo wants to see me or not. Unintentionally though. I gave him wrong information about the party (I didn’t know either) and am now able to see if he even cares to look up the date and facts, because I won’t tell him. I am 99% sure, he won’t even bother to do that. He’s a dick. I should be over him and I definitely won’t answer him for a long time now (though I always say that, I need some endurance in staying strong and therefore ignore him).

I also had a pretty bad day, but cheered myself up in making somebody else happy. It’s a birthday of a friend of mine, and I thought I’ll just send him some flowers, because he told me that he never gets flowers. He texted me. That he was crying. Yeah, pretty much lit me up.

Oh, I almost forgot. I have a schoolmate I’m… weird with. Like, we spent last summer together (just a weekend though) when he still had a girlfriend. Oh man, I need to start from the beginning. So I went to a festival last year with a friend, when my schoolmate texted me that he’s also going, but doesn’t have any friends there so I told him to come with us. So we went there on Thursday and had 2 fun nights, where – I admit – we almost made out together – we were close before, like teasing eachother, hugging and so on. Saturday though, his girlfriend arrived and she didn’t like me. At all. So he spent the rest of the weekend with her, but I didn’t really care, because they were fighting all the time so I tried to cheer him up. Anyway, so we’re going again this year, and yesterday I was talking to him about that and I was like: “yeah why should WE make out, I mean.. not us, no way *smirk*!” He looked away and suddenly changed the subject, but what he said was so funny (though he didn’t really realize I guess), he was like: “Oh my, It’s so hot in here. I’m having hot flushes!” I just started laughin. Let’s see how THAT is turning out.

Not much to tell you. Nothing really happened, my friend is still mad at me for dumping him. I’m still wondering if I should regret not going. I think I don’t. Not really at least.

But I’m mad. Mad at myself. For almost 2 years, I have been asking Neo for about 10 – 15 times whether he’d like to meet me or not. And on New Year’s Eve I decided not to ever ask him again. But I did. Several minutes ago. Why? I asked him whether he’s going to a certain party, because his friend was there once and I usually go there as well. It’s HIS thing. He’d be the star. So I was sneaking around my calendar and was shocked to see that the party is already this upcoming weekend, so I asked him whether he’s going as well. Don’t think he will, or at least he won’t tell me, because it’s near from where I live. Maybe he’s paranoid.

Anyway his answer was “maybe, I’ll see”. Yeah, maybe means no, huh? I don’t even know why I asked in the first place. Because he won’t go there if he knows I’m there for sure. Such an idiot. I want to scream at him.