Wife by text to husband at work"Windows at home frozen - what will I do?"Husband - "Try spraying with some de-icer or pour on warm water"Wife a few minutes later - "Done that, now computer won't work at all"

A woman goes to her Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinnae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that.When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.She says: "Doctor that cure was wonderful! Every time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water.I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc...what's the secret? How does the water do that?"

I went to the local Indian last night with my son, the waiter came to the table, the lad ordered, and I said, 'May I have a Chicken Tarka please'. The waiter says 'I've never heard of Chicken Tarka Sir, we do a Chicken Tikka? I said 'A Tarka is similar to Tikka but it's just a little otter!'

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian) an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, a Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans from various counties, walk into a fine restaurant....

The maître d' scrutinizes the group one by one and bars their entrance saying,

A manwith his dog was standing outside a pub looking rather miserable.His friend who was passing asks him 'Why'?'They won’t let me in with my dog' says the man.T'ry again ,but this time tell the barman it is a guide dog' says his friend.The man tries again'Sorry Sir, no dogs in the pub'.'But this is my guide dog'.'What! that mangy, scruffy mutt, guide dogs are usually Collies or Retrievers''Why, what have they given me?'.

Two skiiers about to make their first ever descent are stood at the top of a slope, one says to the other "I can't remember ~ should we zig zag or zag zig down the slope?" the other says "I cant remember ~ lets ask that bloke over their with the sledge". The shuffle over and ask the bloke with the sledge "When you ski down do you zig zag or zag zig?" The man looks at them blankly and says "Don't ask me I'm a toboggonist".

I approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket today and said' I've lost my wife here in the supermarket, can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'The woman looked puzzled ' Why talk to me?' she askedBecause every time I talk to a woman as gorgeous as you my wife appears out of nowhere!'.

All material in the site Glasgow Guide is copyright of the Glasgow Guide Organisation. This material is for your own private use only, and no part of the site may be reproduced, amended, modified, copied, or transmitted to third parties, by any means whatsoever without the prior written permission of the copyright owner. All rights reserved.