Sunday, September 13, 2009

5 Alternate Ways To Get Famous

A lot of people aspire to be famous these days. Unfortunately, a lot of people are also talentless pieces of shit. Don’t worry, though. Lack of talent or contribution to the human race at all won’t stop you from becoming a celebrity. Here’s a helpful list of ways to skyrocket yourself to celebrity superstardom:

1. Be the relative of someone famous.

TOP CULPRITS: Ashlee Simpson, Nicky Hilton, Brooke Hogan.

Celebrity siblings who have a proper career don’t count. Ben and Casey Affleck, Fred and Ben Savage or the Baldwin flock, while related, have respective respectful careers as actors (or, in some cases, used to.)

I'm talking about socialites and celebutantes. When I typed that, Microsoft Word underlined it in red, as if to say, “What the fuck is a celebutante? We don’t count that as a word in the real world.” And it’s right, we don’t.

Unfortunately, this one boils down to a) genetics and b) how willing you are to ride someone else’s coattails, rather than succeed in life on your own. If you have both of those in place, you may now start to develop your fragrance line, clothing line and/or new hit single.

2. Release a sex tape.

TOP CULPRITS: Paris Hilton, Dustin Diamond, Kim Kardashian.

While this usually applies to people who are already famous and need the exposure without doing any actual work, don’t sell yourself short. Shooting a Blair Witch-style home video of you ramming your girlfriend doggy-style, then releasing a geyser of baby juice on her face and selling copies to your friends is a good step in the right direction (especially if you can get a reality TV show out of it.)

3. Suck the President’s dick.

CULPRIT: Monica Lewinsky. That’s pretty much it.*

Around early 1999, Lewinsky reportedly said "I'm well-known for something that isn't great to be well-known for." (via)

Really? You don’t want to be known as that girl who sucked the president’s dick? I can’t imagine why. It beats the hell out of getting coffee for Al Gore.

This makes me wonder if other presidents had affairs behind closed doors, though. Not JFK, who had infamous ties to Marilyn Monroe; I mean Abraham Lincoln. I’d like to think that if he had excused himself from his box seat to get a blowjob from his mistress in the bathroom at Ford’s theatre, his presidency might have lasted a little longer.

* While there have been plenty of sex scandals involving government officials – Eliot Spitzer and the prostitute, John Edwards and the alleged illegitimate baby – these men aren’t high enough in office for you to gain any semblance of respectful celebrity status, like taking a shot in the mouth from the leader of the free world.

4. Go on a reality TV show.

TOP CULPRITS: Richard Hatch, Elizabeth Hasselbeck, Jerry Manthey. This list is actually much longer, but I don’t want to be here all day.

Do you mind being filmed 24 hours a day a on a deserted island or locked in a big house with a bunch of people you don’t know, including blacks, gays, sluts, loudmouths and other clichéd stereotypes? Book deals, media interviews, Playboy spreads and talk show co-host positions will result following your expulsion from whichever show you’re able to get on.

(I’ll admit that Elizabeth Hasselbeck is crazy hot, but being the co-host of The View barely constitutes a real job since all those bitches do is squawk back and forth at each other for an hour.)

5. Use your vagina as a clown car.

TOP CULPRITS: Jon and Kate Plus 8, Table For Twelve, 18 Kids and Counting... and counting? Jeez. Put a cork in it already. Wasn't it originally called 16 Kids and Moving In? This will be the third time they've changed the title of the show to reflect your inability to stop fornicating. When will they just call it We Have Too Many Effin' Kids?

Watch TLC at any given time and you’ll realize that it’s easy to become famous. All you have to do is spread your legs, have a million kids, and let a camera crew document how truly fulfilling it is raising your army of brats.

It won’t be long until the controversy over having octuplets settles and Nadya Suleman can start collecting fat checks. Does she have any sort of talent that’s deserving of her own television show? If you count shooting eight babies out of your vag in less than five minutes as a talent (aside from the six kids she already has), then get her to the makeup chair!

Kate Gosselin is actually scheduled to co-host The View today. I hope she randomly goes into labour on the air.

I want you for a minute to consider how embarrassed for your gender you would feel if you were a woman and saw the View. Yeah, it's enough to book appointment to the sex-change clinic.

And this post, not only managed to be funny, it also has made me feel super-thrilled that I haven't owned a television in years. It's one thing for these Jack in the box women to agree to have their own lives filmed - but how is that fair to their kids? Don't their children deserve not to have every moment documented and likely later recapped by their school's bully?