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As I mentioned in my previous post, I quit my diet at 3 am this morning.
And things have no taken the turn for the worse, I cannot make myself eat, because I feel like I have no control of the calories anymore. I had one nutrilette bar after a while of talking myself into it, because I know how many calories there are in one of those.

I’m scared and very anxious. My anxiety is sky high and my emotional pain is back.
What am I supposed to do?

The diet I was on for three days just made matters worse. I was supposed to be on it for a month! It makes me wonder how much more of a wreck I would’ve been after it, compared to now.
I need help.

Being like this hurts too much.
The anxiety because of the feeling of no control, and depressed because of the pain. I feel like a failure. Hopeless, miserable. You name it.

I don’t have another session with my therapist for another five days. But I need one, now!

I just hope I can get this under control by myself. I can’t talk to my boyfriend about this, he’s been through enough shit with me for the past 4 years or so. And he said he doesn’t know what to say anymore. And my mum just doesn’t care, she just doesn’t take me seriously at all. Just blows it off as nothing.

I’m depsperate for something to help.

Last night I was so tempted to find my hidden blade and carve “failure” into my arm. Because that’s how I feel.

Lately I’ve been wondering, or rather maybe realizing that all thats going on with me, the anxiety and depression and such, It’s really all my fault.

I got myself into this mess (not on purpose tho) and by doing that, I’ve hurt all those who love and care about me. It’s kind of selfish, don’t you think? That’s at least how I feel about it, selfish.

I guess I’ve blamed my ‘dad’ for it, which isn’t right because It’s I who got myself into this mess. Sure others may have a small part of it, but it’s mostly myself I have to blame.

I don’t know why I keep thinking about it, why It’s so important to have someone to blame, but at the same time I know I can’t, I’m not allowed to blame anyone else for my mess. I’m not sure how to explain it but it’s like I’m not allowed to blame anyone but myself, if that makes any sense that it is.

Another thing is that I’m sort of worried about what’s going to happen on the 26th this month, me and my mum, probably my step dad too, to discuss the medication I’m going to be taking, but that’s not what I’m worried about. The fact that the last time I started taking medication, mum got me admitted to the psych ward for a week, and I asked her about that, if she would do that if there were a minor suicide risk this time as well, and she said maybe, she didn’t know. But I’m worried I’ll end up there again. Sure if she wants me to, and the doctors agree to it, I’ll do it just so she’ll stop worrying, but I’m also worried that it’ll make things worse.

When my new therapist mentioned that I had been a reason to worry my old therapist for quite a while, cause she was afraid I’d kill myself, and that triggered me, because I don’t usually talk about that, it’s scary. Why? Because I know a part of me craves it, but it’s not strong enough to push me into having suicidal thoughts or plans or anything, but it’s still worrying.

Another part of me wants to have me admitted to the ward for a while, to get better, but I know what I’m dealing with isn’t serious enough for that, unless I turn suicidal, which I’m not.

I’m scared of the ward, and I’m scared of the suicidal thoughts or behavior or what to call it. So I guess I’m sort of stuck, just like I’ve been for quite a while.

And the time has yet come to write again, it’s been far too long since the last time to be honest.

It’s been two crazy days (Friday, Saturday), it seems like my mum’s trying to make me as uncomfortable as possible.

She knows I slipped (Thursday) and is craving to see my arms, but I won’t let her, and I think it’s pretty frustrating for her, because I don’t say no often, but I figured that now was the time to set my foot down.

Yesterday I had had enough; I escaped out of the house, telling no one where I was going, the only answer they got was “Out”.

I put my phone on silent, so I wouldn’t hear if they called or texted me, which they did, a lot, but to be completely honest, I didn’t care, I didn’t give a rats arse about if I worried them or not, they deserved to be worried after what they put me through.

I was so angry, frustrated, I didn’t know what to say or do. I know they’re trying to help me, but it’s not helping, for me it feels like I’m being pushed to the edge of a breakdown, like they’re trying to break me sort of, I don’t know. But what I do know is that it’s not helping, whatever they think they’re doing, it’s not.

The anger I felt made me push almost everyone even further away, they didn’t understand because they didn’t want to, all they did was drawing their own conclusions.

Why does everyone have to say one thing, then mess everything up when they’re doing the complete opposite?

My mum made me really want to hurt myself, sort of to punish her, only that I would be the only one knowing, and the anger almost made me do it, but I got out and escaped for about five hours or so, nobody knowing where I was at, and it felt great. Nobody I had to worry about, because I honestly didn’t care, at all.

To be careless for a while is great, but then again, it’s not who I am, it’s not who I want to be, but at that exact moment, it felt relieving.

They don’t want me in my room, they think I’m isolating myself from the world, but I’m not, sure I might be hiding a little, but I feel safe in here, this is my space. I want to be alone, to escape my family and their questions, because I can’t handle them.

I just hope they’ve given up their crazy ideas that they think are helping, because I don’t know if I can handle it, it makes me more resistant to people helping me, makes me push them even further away from me, close up inside.

And if this goes on with the same intensity as is has these last two days, then who knows what the outcome might be.

These last days, or this weekend, I’ve been doing rather well, my mood has been sort of steady I think, but what I don’t get is why the signs(Depression coming back) won’t let go and fade away.

Signs like; Annoyed by everything, loss of energy, feeling exhausted, a little sleeping trouble(waking up several times Etc.), also head ache, which I usually get before or after I’ve been feeling down, but now I just have it pretty much all the time, and it doesn’t seem to want to let go.

From what you can read I probably sound pretty confused, well guess what, I am!

First of all, I show no signs of being suicidal (Thank god!), and I’m not confused about that at all, I’m just glad.

But what I’m confused about is the way everything’s going, I just don’t understand it. It’s frustrating really, I don’t know how to handle it. And I’m confused about wither I’m just overreacting about the signs(Hope so), or is it different this time? Am I just kidding myself?

Am I just blocking the feelings out? Am I just pretending so much I don’t even notice any more? I’m clueless.

Another thing is that since my mum found out how it really was, at least sort of, and the fact that I thought I was suicidal, she and those at home have been paying a lot more attention to me, but also worrying more than they should. I mean, I’ve told them that I’m fine, I’m not suicidal, I’m not going to kill myself, but it’s like they don’t hear a word of what I’m saying, or they don’t believe me.

Or maybe I really am just fooling myself, maybe I’m so deep in it that I don’t realize it?

Okay I must admit, it sounds pretty crazy, and I honestly don’t believe that explanation for a second, but I need to find out what’s going on with me, because I feel different, very different, but I don’t know why, and I even notice that I write different. Or maybe that’s just me, I’ll let you be the judge of that.

I’m not scared of changes, but when it comes to something changing about me, like how I am and such, it can’t be a good thing, unless it’s for the better.

Have I just given up? Is that why I feel so different, so calm? I honestly don’t know, and if I have, I don’t see why.

I wish I could make this make sense in some way, to me at least, because right now everything’s a mess inside my head, and I don’t think it will sort itself out without help.

Loads of thoughts strike me, I don’t know if they’re ”mine”, or if it’s the voice in the back of my head speaking, I really don’t.

I’ve begun to wonder if they’ve started to blend together, turning into one.

Or is it just that I’ve become too tired to fight it, to resist.

I have all these questions that I just have to get out, and I know that you guys probably can’t answer them, but they need to be asked.

In my last post I wrote about my mum’s lack of interest in me, and things’ bothering me and it still does bother me. But I’m wondering (This is just a random thought) if I’m sort of punishing myself for not trying harder to get her interested, I don’t know.

I don’t really know how to explain this, but I’ll give it a try; Lately I’ve been giving in to the urges that drives me to harm myself, and it’s frustrating, it gets deeper than before, and I can’t do anything about it. Every time I harm myself I’m okay for a while, but then the voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me that it should’ve been deeper, and maybe next time it will?

I’m scared to be honest, and I thought that would stop me from harming, but I was wrong. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to stop myself before it gets dangerous. It’s like I give in, like I don’t give a rats arse about what’s happening to me, or what I’m putting others through. Even though there are just two people in my life aware of what’s going on.

I want to stop, find another way of dealing with things, but to be completely honest, cutting was the first thing that worked, so I just kind of stuck with it. I’ve read about things you can do that really doesn’t harm yourself, just puts you in the pain that you’re after to find some relief. But I haven’t tried any of them, it’s like I’ve been telling myself for so long that they won’t work, so I can’t get myself to try either, I always come up with excuses to why I shouldn’t, to why I can’t.

The weird thing is, there aren’t many times I could find reasons not to harm myself, and now, there are only one that I can think of; it could be dangerous. But that doesn’t stop me either.

I know that my parents need to know, and I wish that they did, but what are they supposed to do? They can’t stop me from doing it.

God I feel so guilty, selfish.

Right now I feel like I haven’t even tried, and the reply I get from myself is that; If you haven’t tried, why start now?

I honestly don’t know what to do, and it’s.. I can’t find a suitable word to describe it.

I’m scared, I wish I could just crawl under someplace and hide from it, but I can’t hide from myself, can I?

Don’t give up, it takes a while
I have seen this look before
And it’s alright
You’re not alone
If you don’t love this anymore
I hear that you’ve slipped again
I’m here ’cause I know you’ll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

Take some time and learn to breathe
And remember what it means
To feel alive
And to believe
Something more than what you see
I know there’s a price for this
But some things in life you must resist

And you know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

I hear that you’ve slipped again
I’m here ’cause I know you’ll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

You know that accidents can happen
And it’s okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It’s not your whole life
It’s only one day
You haven’t thrown everything away.

I’m scared, nervous, everything at the same time. I just found out that my psych evaluation or what to call it has been moved to Wednesday next week, I don’t know what to think of it.

I guess it’s a good thing that everything’s happening so fast, but still I’m frightened, and what goes through my head right now is that “what if they don’t take me serious enough? What if they just think I’m an attention seeker?”

Some people might say I’m an attention seeker, but I know I’m not. I went out with everything because it lifted a rock off my shoulders.

Sure it was scary, but it helped. I felt like I didn’t get anywhere by just talking or writing to myself, so I started the blog to make it easier on me, to feel like I got somewhere, I answered my own questions, or got answers from others.

My mum told me she can’t make it, so I have to go alone, and that’s what I wanted, but I feel vulnerable again, so insecure. It’s all so new to me, yet so familiar. I’m scared of be let down again, that someone will give me up again.

How can something that’s supposed to help me be so scary? It’s like I’m walking on insecure ground, frightened that before I know it, it will fall apart underneath me, and then what?

As you can read, see whatever, I’m completely confused about this, isn’t this what I wanted? I wanted help; I want help, so how come I’m so scared of it?

Maybe it’s the idea of a total stranger analyzing every word I say, judging me before even knowing anything about me? And with my lack of explaining skills I know that whatever I say to her will just be wrong. I can’t explain anything without causing confusion or a misunderstanding.

People think that just because you don’t harm yourself anymore, that it’s over, the problem’s solved, but it’s not. Just because you try not to harm yourself it doesn’t mean that there still isn’t a chaos inside of you threatening to eat you up from inside if you don’t pay attention.

I push everything away, and sometimes I don’t pay attention to what’s happening for just one second, and boom, there’s everything in my face.

Sometimes it helps with talking it out, someone telling you to be strong, that it will work out somehow, that usually works, but sometimes you just give in to the pain, the doubt, and the voice inside your head telling you that you deserve it.