Tuesday, April 15, 2008

FiveThings That will Make Your Son Gay Instantly!

Uh oh, Chongo! Let's see, mostly naked "Nanoo" Jan-Michael Vincent, mostly naked "Black Samson" Rockne Tarkington, and mostly naked screaming Asian wildman Kim Kahana, all living together on a tropical isle. Really, I couldn't make something that homoerotic up if I had all day (I know 'cuz I've tried).

Dr. Smith

I think my favorite one is where Smith falls to his knees while wearing an ermine cape (although the "There's a monster in my bed!" one rivals the Wilhelm Scream). Really, do you know how long it takes to learn to scream that way? Months. I know 'cuz I've tried. In fact, it wasn't able to do it properly until someone spilled punch on my tan corduroy three-piece at the Homecoming Dance sophomore year in high school.

Actually, everyone focuses on poor Zachary in this show, but the real danger on Lost in Space was smoldering, laser-cannon slinging, spread-stanced testosterone factory Major Don West.

Pee-Wee's Playhouse

Mekalekka high meka hiney ho! Pee-Wee brought the "high", Conky brought the "meka", Tito brought the "hiney", and Jambi brought the "ho". Dixie the dyke, Miss Vyonne the fag-hag, a cowboy with big boots and a magic rope. I mean, really, what DIDN'T this show have going for it....? Do you how hard it is to find a man like Tito? I know 'cuz I've tried.

Oh, "Militia" you can whack me with your Qtip any day you want (and after renting some of your film work, I know you know how, 'cuz you've tried!). And Wolf? I'll bring the wine if he brings the Rubik's Cube! Actually, American Gladiators does double-duty: it will make your daughter gay, too.

I swear, I think I'd marry Hellga if she brought the tennis ball cannon to the honeymoon!

Batman

Yes, Dr. Wertham was right. Nowadays, if you watch stuff on-line like Burt and Paul tossing each other around on the mat that way, you wind up wearing a digital ankle bracelet at a minimum distance of 500 yards from the local military school. I know 'cuz I've tried. The pure, raw, explosive SEXUALITY of Burton Gervis is too powerful to be denied, and it can overwhelm the underdeveloped psychosexual wiring of many a lad. And how!

LIDDSVILLE: A teenage boy sneaks into a middle-aged magician's dressing room, falls into his hat, and ends up in a land of anthropomorphic hats lorded over by a wizard so flaming he makes Carson Kressly look like GI Joe.

SHAZAM!: A teenage boy traveling the highways and byways of America in a Winnebago with an old man for company; able to transform into a testosterone-laden man of muscle in "time of dire need".

ELECTRA WOMAN AND DYNA GIRL: Two powerful women in painted-on spandex lording it over men, squashing their schemes and basically emasculating them in every way. The closest thing to a positive male role model on the show was Frank, whom they kept locked in the basement building toys for them.

It was Johnny Thunder's naked thunderbolt that almost did it to me. But, thanks to electroshock therapy provided at modest cost by the Mormons, I was able to fight the evil influence of the thunderbolt.

You forget though that in the cases of American Gladiators and Batman there are/were equally strong female presences sure to stroke the fires of any latent heterosexual. I know the only reason I chose to occasionally stop on AG during my nocturnal flippings was because I was intrigued by the buff yet womanly figures of Crush, Fury and Siren (I am assuming those are not their real names). I have to admit that the sight of Helga inspired more fear than admiration and--having watched the clip you just linked to--I can now see why they never allowed her to speak in front of the camera.

And, of course, when it comes to Batman, the sight of Yvonne Craig in skintight lycra was almost as devastating as the sight of her in green body paint.

Anyone who regularly visits this site and doesn't immediately get the above reference is hereby ordered to turn in their Badge of Geekery.

I always wondered if anyone ever saw two episodes of Danger Island in the order they were meant to be seen. Because in my area, it was only seen in syndicated Banana Splits reruns, so the order was totally scrambled and nothing made any sense at all, it was almost totally incoherent, the only intelligent bits being recurring outbursts like "Oh no! The Skeleton Men!" or (of course) "Uh oh, Chongo!".Though I strongly suspect that this may have been an improvement.