BARBIES WE'D LIKE TO SEE
This version is courtesy of KAkselsen@aol.com
The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of
"Baywatch" have joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as
no surprise. After all, both companies have made millions off
airheads with flawless skins, Malibu tans, and synthetic breasts.
If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem
certain to follow. Some possibilities:
Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream
Apartment where Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free.
Other accessories include a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an
arrest warrant.
Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other
homesteaders important tips like what conditioner to use out on
the Plains and how to take care of their nails while shoeing a
horse.
America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of
crime against feminism.
Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually
speaks! Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough
math class is, Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who
wear Barbie's clothes.
My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as
regular teens who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools,
and ponies.
Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored
with this doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated
from high school, married too young, and ate too much.
Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the
Barbie set (she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other
dolls mysteriously disappear.
BARBIES WE'D LIKE TO SEE:
Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet
and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.
Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Midge and Ken.
Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith
helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to
perform surgery on herself in the Outback.
Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles,
lunch pail, UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay
scales for women as compared to men. Waitressing outfits and
cashier's aprons maybe purchased separately for Barbies who are
holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.
Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside
and out, comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying
glass, and detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little
girls can learn about their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening
way. Also included tiny Kotex, booklets on sexual
responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex toys,
expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and
breast pump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman
has the right to choose what she does with her own Barbie.
Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge
in Judaism. Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer
shawl, teffilin, silver kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional:
tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie Townhouse.
Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barbie in midriff-baring shirt and
baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and
plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't
think so," "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl."
Teaches girls not to take shit from men and condescending White
people.
Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.
Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-
legged walking machine! After falling over, she says "Control
theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"
Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double
chin, a real curvy belly, enormous pectoral floppers, double
pillow butt, and voluminous cellulite thighs to show girls that
big is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket of dinner
rolls, Bucket o' Fried Chicken, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a
brick of Sealtest ice cream, three packs of potato chips, a T-
shirt reading "Only the Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an
appetite.
BimBorg Barbie: With "Star Trek/Voyager" desperately clinging to
its deformed TV life despite every infusion of hack writer
puerile desperation, the only thing left is sexual
self-plagiarism. Rescued/defected from the Borg, BimBorg Barbie
sports a remarkably scanty and revealing costume as her tubes are
pulled and prostheses amputated. Watch with awe over 22 weeks as
she is turned into a real girl. Borg prostheses are sold
separately.