“I Love You Bones. Always”

WARNING: The following contains the insane ramblings of a grieving fan. It may trigger feelings of loss and sorrow in fellow Bones fans. Continue reading at your own risk. In all seriousness, if you want to skip my slew of depressing words, the only thing you really need to know is that I’m back to writing Bones posts. And I don’t intend to stop. Because I’m not saying “goodbye.” It’s not goodbye. Bones is still around. And so am I. So look for new recaps and other Bones-y posts in the coming weeks.

It’s been approximately two weeks. Two excruciatingly long and dreadful weeks. Two weeks since I watched my two favorite people in the television (really, overall) universe walk off side by side. Into the unknown. Just as they started. Together. I honestly don’t know how it’s been that long already. Though it also feels like it was yesterday. My mind is just in disarray as of late.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve essentially cut myself off from most of the world. I took time off work for days after the episode aired. I didn’t leave my bed. I tried to make sense of a world without (new) Bones. I still remain relatively cut off. If I can help it, I don’t leave said bed. I cannot make myself speak to anyone who is not in the same position as I am- a.k.a. other Bones fans. Not now. Not yet. Some may think this is all completely absurd or over the top. But those people just don’t understand. They have no idea what this is like. I am essentially in mourning. I am grieving. And there is no amount of time or space that is going to make the pain dissipate. An interesting and quite telling trend I’ve noticed among the extremely passionate fans of this show is that Bones has saved them in one way or another. It’s not that we were all living happy, bright and shiny lives, and now the show going away has destroyed that. It’s more that we were broken in some way. And the show gave us hope and purpose. It healed us. And without it, we’ve lost our anchor. Also, while we’re on the subject- I absolutely detest saying that Bones is “gone.” Because it’s not. Bones will always be there. I have logged just as many hours watching during the past 13 days as I always have. Maybe even more, if that’s humanly possible. But to have to see the cast, crew, and showrunners say their tearful goodbyes. To witness the sets being torn down. To know that everyone is moving on to other projects. It’s all entirely too much. And all we can really do is hold on to that teeny glimmer of hope that one day we will see everyone again. You never know. Never say never.

I apologize for the absence. I have been avoiding writing anything substantial for weeks. Because I didn’t quite know how to express any of these feelings. And I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t process any of it. But now I feel like I have so much to say that I may explode if it doesn’t come out. So I’ll do my best here. I want to help keep Bones alive. Because I refuse to say the word “goodbye” as it relates to 12×12. “It’s never gonna end, Bones.” And really, it’s not. So many of us will still be here. Watching the episodes over and over again, celebrating these characters, relishing in their stories, and essentially keeping the show alive. Honestly, if you want to resurrect a show (way in the future of course), you have to keep it relevant. And I intend to do that forever. I can’t change. I don’t know how. I will be here. I’d love for all of you to stay with me as well.

I’m not even quite sure what it is I’m writing here. I apologize for the incoherency of this post. I’m trying to get my writing-legs back. I knew I couldn’t yet recap the events of 12×11 and 12×12. Though, will there ever be enough time to sufficiently do so? All I can say is, if any other show needs advice about those types of episodes (i cannot say the word, which begins with “f”), please go watch 12×12. Because you could not have a more perfect f****e. It was flawless. It IS flawless. From start to finish. And everything in between. If I want to sufficiently torture myself, I watch the office scene and the last scene in particular, over and over again. And then some more. I sob so violently that I think I may die from hyperventilation. Because those scenes are that emotional. But more on that in the future. They deserve pages and pages of deconstruction and praise. And I need a bit more time to think. More time to say what I need to say in the right way.

This is quite a failure for my first post back here, if I do say so myself. But I didn’t want to completely disappear. Because without Bones, I will do just that. Disappear. “If the thing that made me…me, is gone. Who am I?” I don’t think that line could have described my feelings any better. Simply put, I am not me without this show. My identity is lost. So I just had to bite the bullet, and jump back in. This bizarre post is better than nothing- I think.

This show means everything to me. Everything, and then some. It saved me in so many ways, I couldn’t even begin to describe. It has inspired me at every turn. It gave me hope when I had none. Hope, that there was something better out there. Something good in this world. It gave me the courage to change the things I could. To try to make a better life for myself. I will never be able to explain this to a “normal” person. Not sufficiently. Because unless you’ve lived it, you will not understand it. Especially because Bones is not one of those popular flashy cable shows. Nothing against those shows. I watch them. Well I did before two weeks ago. Now I cannot watch much else besides Bones.

I often get asked, “why Bones?” I “love” the perplexed looks I consistently receive (back when I spoke to human beings in my life) whenever someone would find out that this show was THE show for me. It was as if I lost credibility for loving something so seemingly mainstream. A broadcast show, gasp. On my first day at my current job, we were forced to go around the room in orientation and share our favorite show. And I work in television, so people were admittedly a bit snobby in their selections- for lack of a better word. But they were also ever so predictable. Look at a critic’s top ten list. Those were the only shows people said in that room. As each person took their turn, I did that thing I always do- mentally wrestle with the decision of whether or not to share my actual favorite show without ample time to explain why it’s so incredibly special. I wasn’t in the mood for the look. Or the incredulous “really?”s. I could have said something else. But it would have been a lie. And I am certainly not ashamed. Not in the least. Bones is not a guilty pleasure. I don’t know how it got such a strange reputation, to be honest. Strange the wrong word. I told you, my ability to effectively communicate is suffering. But people wrongfully believe that Bones is either silly or stupid. They couldn’t be more wrong. So when my turn came around that day, I ultimately decided to tell the truth. I simply said: Bones. Confidently, and very matter-of-factly. And didn’t add anything else to it. Why should I? I received those looks. And even some muffled laughs. But I don’t care. Why should I? It’s their loss. If they only knew how special and beautiful this show can be, and always has been, they may change their tune. But even then, even if I had a world of time to explain, perhaps they still wouldn’t understand.

I always say that this show is the best kept secret among its fans. Because fans truly get it (mostly). It’s ultimately about characters. It’s about family. It’s about love, and life, and pain, and happiness, and everything under the sun. There are innumerable lessons to be learned. So many poignant and special moments. It devastates me that so many people never got to see that. But we did. We knew. Right from the beginning. I have absolutely no idea what the future holds. For me, for the fans, for this show, and for this cast and crew. Basically, the future seems like a black hole of misery right now. I really have no idea of how to begin to heal. At this point I don’t think that’s a realistic possibility. But really, when the dust settles, this show will continue to help me as it always has. And it’s comforting to know that there are others in this same boat right along with me. Or did we go down with the ship? To be determined…All I know is that whatever my future holds, Bones is a part of it. So please, help me keep this beautiful show alive. Help me keep the conversation going. Help me keep the interest up. Let’s watch these episodes for the 1,000th time, as if it was the first time. Let’s encourage new people to find, love, and appreciate our beautiful Bones. I can promise to still be here. And I hope you’ll stay with me.

Next up, I’ll finally get my 12×11 and 12×12 recaps up. So look for those. I’m back. And I’m here to stay.