dnt know if i can keep fighting

spending yet ANOTHER night in tears but tonight they're falling harder and faster than usual.
i cant cope anymore. everything is drowning me and i cant find a way to get out.
why does everyone hate me? what have i done????
not even my own boyfriend wants to be near me. ''ill be out for an hour'' 4 hours later and ur off into town with goodness know how many drinks down ur neck and girls wrapped around you.

surely i deserve more? why cant anyone want to just look after me and give me a hug and let me know im safe. why am i constantly fighting not to cut. not to purge. not to eat. not to f*cking think.

i seriously cant live like this. who would want to feel this way every day???

i dont feel special. i dont feel loved. who would love a fat u*ly cow like me.

i cant even breathe right now im crying too much. im so fed up of tears that i cant stop.

im just a f*cking joke. a joke that needs to end.

please please someone be here for me. anyone. im reaching out just for someone to understand.

but im struggling to see anything beautiful about myself. i run around doing everything trying to please everyone and i cant get it right. nothing i do is good enough. i need to just get away. i cant cope. i really really cant.

well...it takes time but im serious. i have never seen u and i dont have to. cause i know without a shadow of a doubt that u are. and there is someone out there who will recognize and appreciate that. and "getting away" is ok. go. drive somewhere. go sit on a park bench. find somewhere or somehow to relax

oh god..another example of how society is obsessed on if you dont look a partic way you are worthless. you are not! your bf is an ass and he is doing what he is doing because you let him as you are insecure in yourself. you deserve so much better. no one should make someone feel the way you do. but in his defence, maybe he cant cope with your emotions and doesnt know how to tell you...maybe try and get him to talk...but you should not feel pressured to look a certain way. deal with one thing at a time...if he wants a stick insect...let him go find one...guarantee he wont be happy with someone watching every mouthful. its all about balance. dont beat yourself up, you dont deserve to..be happy for who you are, not how others want you to be. :cheekkiss