Yuletide Fuckery

Ok. So yes, I put my Christmas tree up already. Thank you Hallmark Channel for the holiday movie marathons. Since October. You’ve inspired me. Or brain washed me. There’s nothing under the festive evergreen. And, it’s a month early. Don’t judge me. It’s also missing a leg… Somehow in all the moving around that we have done, the tragedy of the Christmas tree leg has come to light. Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree… How lovely are thou straggly branches. And missing parts. Everybody sing!

Fine. It’s a Charlie Brown yuletide birch; but hey, I put it up with love and tenderness. Mostly because, the damn aspen wouldn’t stay up with with three legs and it was a freaking nightmare… But, with tenderness all the same. Never Mind the whack against my fireplace. If it didn’t bruise the mantle, it didn’t happen.

So what should take approximately 20 minutes to setup took about an hour and a half. This faux sapling is only about 5 feet tall and …maybe 5 inches? My son can fling it around with one hand. And he’s bigger than the tree. I’m not bigger than the tree. Im not bigger than most things. Now that I’m reminded of it. I’m a shrimp. Or an elf. But whatever. Everything is usually bigger than me and I’ve come to accept that. A little chickadee on a farm of bison. What? I don’t know. Back to the tree. It’s all set up and it keeps falling over. Timber! So, I came up with an idea to put my son’s ankle weights on the back leg. He can’t lose that much ankle muscle in a month. He can improvise. He can use soup cans. Or a jug of milk. He’s not made of paper. Maybe that’ll keep the beech from falling over. Timber! Hmmm. So I grab his free weights and add that to the front of the fir where the leg is missing in action. Timber! What the heck. I’ve got about forty pounds on -and against- this plastic fiasco and it still keeps towering over…. Timber!

Stop it.

After much to do over this overgrown green bush… I think I got it. Tim- don’t you dare -Ber! Keep laughing, my child, see if you find any presents under this bastard next month. Coal in the stocking! Order for one please Santa! I strategically arranged the weights to hold up the oak wannabe. It’s catching a slight lean. But I think it’s going to stay put this time. Now for the decorations…