Dating FOMO: Is this the best person for me?

5:09 PM

Have
you ever planned to watch a movie on Netflix, but spent so long deciding
between the many options that you never actually watched a movie? I
feel like I do this all the time. In my mind, if I am going to spend
time watching a movie I want to make sure that it’s worth it. I want to
watch the best movie available. Why would I spend time watching anything
else?

Fortunately
for me, what movie I watch (or don’t watch) isn’t really a big deal.
However, this same type of problem happens with making a choice on who
to date or marry-which is a much bigger deal. FOMO, or the fear of
missing out, is a really common way to think in romantic relationships.
It’s both natural, popular, and really easy to justify. And if you are
into sabotaging your relationship (consciously or not), FOMO will
definitely do it. Honestly, I think this is why a lot of good people
stay single a lot longer than they would like. If you are single and
have been in an exclusively committed relationship, you’d be normal if
these thoughts have crossed your mind: “Is this the best I can do? Is
there somebody out there better for me? Somebody more attractive? More
spiritual? More fun?"

Why is FOMO so common?For
starters, social media has set the stage for the FOMO attitude in
general. The idea that you need to consistently check your newsfeed to
make sure you are not missing out on anything is certainly related to
obsessing over missing out on another partner who may “be better.” But I
don’t think it’s the main issue. I think a bigger issue is having too
many options. If you are surrounded by high quality, good looking
people, it’s normal to question whether or not the person you are
currently dating is “the best” one for you. FOMO will be common whenever
you have a lot of options, such as a college campus or a vast community
of Tinder or Mutual users. The more choices you have, the more
opportunities you have to miss out (or so we think). This is because
dating FOMO is driven by a powerful lie and an unromantic truth. If we
can debunk this lie and embrace this truth, we can stop FOMO from
motivating terrible relationship decisions.

The Powerful Lie: There is a best option for you.There
isn’t. THERE IS NOT A BEST OPTION FOR YOU, SO STOP LOOKING FOR THE
“BEST!” Why is it a big deal that you reject this powerful lie? Because
if you believe there really is a “best” option for you, you have set
yourself up for failure. You’ll never win, because you’ll never find it.
As one author put it, “How
many people do you need to see before you know you’ve found the best?
The answer is every [darn] person there is. How else do you know it’s
the best? If you’re looking for the best, this is a recipe for complete
misery.” Some of my religious readers may scoff at this and say,
“You’re wrong. The best is whatever God says we should do.” As a
religious person, in principle, I agree. But I also believe in the
principle of agency and that God wants us to make our own choice of a
mate (and, of course, seek His confirmation). In the LDS church, leaders
have indicated (on more than one occasion)
that there is no such thing as a “soul-mate” in mate selection. You
might say, “Well, I’m not looking for a soul mate, I’m just looking for
the best option.” To this I ask: What is the functional difference
between looking for a soul-mate and looking for the best option? So far
as it impacts our dating choices, I see no difference. If you are
looking for the “best” you are looking for something that doesn’t exist.
Instead, you need to look for great matches. There are many people out
there for you that would make a very good match.

The Unromantic Truth: There will always be someone who is better at something than your current romantic partner.The
sooner you accept this truth, the sooner you can get on with your life
and progress into a healthy and fulfilling marriage. There will always
be someone out there who may be a bit more attractive, more spiritually
inclined, more sporty, more refined, more outgoing and popular, more
funny, more interested in the things you like and more ________ (you
fill in the bank). As long as there are other people on this planet,
this truth isn’t going to change. And guess what? This truth applies to
you just as much as it applies to your current or prospective dating
partner. Embrace this truth and move on; and don’t be surprised when you
find it actually really does apply to your situation.

So I’ve Rejected the Lie and Embraced the Truth, Now What?Just
because you rationally understand why the lie is a lie and the truth is
truth, it’s not going to make FOMO any easier to reject. You need to
treat this thought like the relationship destroyer it is: “Is this the
best I can do?” Use the process of dating to navigate through the many
options and find someone you are attracted to (physically, emotionally,
intellectually, and spiritually). This person does not need to be the
most attractive person in every way. Then, determine if you have shared
values and goals. If you do (as far as you can tell), give them a chance
in an exclusive relationship. Once
you're committed exclusively in a relationship, then act like it. You
should be committed in mind, word, and deed. This can be really hard if
you commit too much too fast. Before you commit exclusively to a
relationship is the time to date around and get to know different
people, not after you commit exclusively. I am not suggesting that to
date exclusively means that this relationship is a done deal (read more
about when to become exclusive here),
but I am saying that it is probably worth your time to give this
relationship a legitimate chance in order to determine if this romantic
partner is a great match.

If
you are in a relationship and committed exclusively, but still
considering other options, you are not thinking like a committed
partner. This is not a sign that you should be in a different
relationship, it's a sign that you need to grow up relationally and act
more committed. Your thoughts and actions should match your level of
commitment, so you can give that relationship a fair chance of working
out. If you fail to fight FOMO while you are dating, you are likely to
be dating for a long time and will inevitably pull the plug on what
could be some great matches.

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About BYUiDo

Honestly, the dating culture is lame. More than lame, it’s dangerous. Do you realize there is a connection between your dating practices and the successful transition into marriage? Way too many newlyweds have significant struggles in large part because of their poor dating practices. In addition, too many women go through their entire college experience without being asked on a single date. Too many men never ask anyone out because of a paralyzing fear of rejection. Have we gotten to the point where we can say that enough is enough? If you feel this way, we have an invitation for you.

There are a lot of issues that complicate our dating culture. Over the course of the next few semesters, we are going to highlight these issues and propose ways to address them. We want to discuss your concerns, so send us your questions through our Facebook page. We hope you will begin to challenge some of the ineffective and unhealthy dating practices in your own life. We hope you will help and encourage those around you to do the same. Take a moment to read our first challenge: #justadate

Who We Are

Dr. Cole Ratcliffe has been studying principles of healthy relationships for many years. He received his B.S. in Marriage, Family, Human Development from Brigham Young University and his Masters and Ph.D. in Marriage and Family Therapy from Kansas State University.

Dr. Ratcliffe currently practices marriage and family therapy and specializes in working with couples on the brink of divorce. He also teaches in the Marriage and Family Studies program at Brigham Young University- Idaho.

Additionally, he heads a team of Certified Relationship Educators in sharing their knowledge with those who are interested in strengthening their relationships.

Madisen Busenbark, who is one of these certified relationship educators, oversees much of our social media accounts and is a significant contributor to byuido!

Our team here at BYU I Do recognizes that there are many people who seek strong, healthy relationships but simply don’t know how to achieve them. There are others who understand the “how” and get frustrated because it seems as though nobody else is on board. We are excited to join together in this common goal as we share research based education coupled with tips and tricks. We invite you to share what you learn, but more importantly… live it!

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About BYUiDo

Honestly, the dating culture at BYU-Idaho (and pretty much everywhere else in this country) is lame. More than lame, it's dangerous. Do you realize there is a connection between your dating practices and the successful transition into marriage? Take a moment to read our first challenge: #justadate