Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Cambria Luxe Twill Top

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Does anyone else find Universal Standard to have super-clicky emails? I forever save them based on subject line alone, and I think the email that led me to this top said something about how it was one of US’s originals, now back in stock. I happen to be looking for a nice top to wear until blazers that is opaque, machine washable, but wearable with navy, purple, and black — so the dove grey option may have my name on it. I like that it’s machine washable and available in sizes 6-32. It’s $110 at Universal Standard. Cambria Luxe Twill Top

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Comments

I’ve had migraines and chronic headaches for years and have finally started seeing a doc that specializes in treating them. One thing they have me trying is a twice daily beta blocker. My headaches actually feel a bit better. They’re still there, but duller. But I am so, so tired. I’m supposed to take 20 mg twice a day and I’ve already cut my morning dose in half because they wipe me out. I also usually wear a heart rate monitor to workout (Orange Theory) and seeing my numbers is kind of weirding me out, but it also seems to explain why I feel so tired. I’m planning to bring this up at my next appointment with my doctor, but I’m curious if anyone here has experience with this. Does anyone take beta blockers for migraines (or anything else) and does this get better? Will I eventually not feel so tired if I stick with it?

I take a similar low dose beta blocker (metropolol) for cardiac arrhythmia and I also felt really tired when I started taking it. So much so that I was worried something else was wrong. But now I have adjusted to it after 4 months and I feel normal on it. Hope that helps. I do think it gets better.

I seem to remember being warned about this side effect when I was put on low-dose beta blockers by a neurologist for the same reason. However, I’m not sure it ever got better as I was taken off the beta blockers due to the effects on my….blood pressure? Heart rate? Don’t recall since it was about a decade ago, but something was lower than it should be so I got taken off of them. Presumably your doctor is tracking this/having you come in for a check-up?

It is quite likely that this won’t apply to you, but I’m going to throw it out there just in case. I suffered from six or so migraines a month for probably ten years. I saw countless doctors in that time frame, of various specialties (neurologists, ob/gyns, oncologists, PCPs). At some point I quit using birth control simply because I didn’t need it (I had been using various pills and the ring). My migraines went away! I now have two or so a YEAR. I asked my ob/gyn next time I saw him and his response was: “Oh, yeah, that’s the fake estrogen.” Seriously, dude?! I had doctors putting shots into my skull to knock these things off and I could have simply switched birth control?! Aghhh.

Yes! I’ve never been able to stick with the pill because of a host of really bad side affects. We had 2nd infertility and when we were visiting the specialist, he mentioned that bc can cause migraines… I didn’t know that, and was shocked no one had every mentioned it in my 30+ year struggle w/ bc & migraines.
I take maxalt- it’s not an everyday pill. I take it when I start feeling them come on- and for me it’s been a total life changer. Nothing else works– not even the non-bio identical generic that was on the market for it for a while (now they have a bio-identical one :) ).

Of course in addition to the million life style changes that I have adopted to make them as infrequent as possible (don’t change wakeup time, drink enough water, careful of screen time, careful of certain foods, etc).

I’m a long-time migraine sufferer (pretty much all my life) and I’ve been treating with a migraine specialist for the past 15 years or so. First thing they did was put me on a beta blocker. It helped with the severity but not the frequency. Currently I’m on a very low dose beta blocker (back on it after several years) and topamax. I can tell you that treating migraines is a whole lot of trial and error and it takes a long time to get to where you’re at that point of the perfect combination/dosage. The important thing is to NOT GIVE UP. Talk to your doctor and let him know what’s going on — communication is SO key here — and that you aren’t happy with how you are feeling. Some things your body will adjust to over time (e.g. some of the side effects of topamax,) but some things, they can adjust the prescription or prescribe something else entirely.

+1 to a combination of beta blocker and topamax (generic name is topiramate). I take 40 mg propranalol and 25 mg topiramate and it knocks out the migraines almost completely. I had some side effects from the topiramate at higher doses but the low dose combined with the beta blocker does the trick. I second the advice to keep trying.

I take Elavil for migraines. I only take it at night, but for the first couple of weeks, if I didn’t get at least 8 hours of sleep every night, I was a useless zombie in the mornings – I couldn’t even drive. Now, 8 months later, it doesn’t really affect my energy level. Stick with it!!

I take beta blockers for a high heart rate/chronic lightheadedness. I’ve had a 2-3 week adjustment period whenever I’ve started taking them or upped the dosage. Those weeks are brutal — terrible fatigue and brain fog. But post-adjustment period, I don’t experience any side effects from taking them. I’d give it a few weeks, then talk to your doctor if it doesn’t improve. In the meantime, walking around helps a bit when the fatigue is at it’s worst.

I’ll also add, I had horrific migraines until my Celiac was diagnosed. Once I went totally gluten free, I went from 1-2 migraines a week to 1-2 migraines a year. I know you didn’t ask about other causes for them, but worth considering as part of your treatment.

Another culprit could be teeth grinding/jaw clenching. I used to wake up with migraines and never put two and two together until I mentioned offhand to my dentist that I had had a migraine since that morning and he made me a mouth guard. Migraines down from multiple per week to 2-3 per month. I also find that a monthly massage really helps since mine seem to be tension related.

I will be interested to see if they decrease more once I go off the pull when TTC.

Hello hive,
Following a couple requests yesterday, here are some British labels to stock up on.
I am petite and curvy so I don’t even go near Reiss, Hobbs and the like.
Here are some great London brands:
– Winser London – lots of synthetics but good cashmere and tweed
– The Fold London – Better fabrics and focus on origami construction (they don’t have petite sizing but they do tailoring)
– Caroline Charles – Caters for a more senior (mature) clientele, the colors can be too out there but she has some good solid/muted options in wool crepe or tweed
– Jennifer Anne – The whole range is petite friendly
– Jaeger has great basics especially in coats – You almost never get excited about an outfit there but you know it’s good quality and you’ll wear it tons
– This is a stretch but bear with me: The House of Bruar, they do countrywear, but they have some great pieces if you are looking for tweed pencil skirts, or velvet. You just have to look into the lodge outfits because in the country, they dress up when back to the house after a shoot
– And a little plug for Joseph because the founder is Moroccan ha. But they have good coats and I like their very thin cashmere tops, great to wear under a blazer

I love, love, love the idea of “countrywear.” Until my life changes though, I am stuck solidly on #TeamAthleisure.

Really intrigued by The Fold — I’m not a Sophia-Loren-type curvy woman, but I’m 5-4 and I’ve got such solid junk in the trunk that I doubt that Hobbs, Reiss, or anything Kate Middleton wears would work on me.

I am African so when I say curvy, I mean reaaally curvy. Which is why I like the tailoring. But then again I live next to their showroom… but in general one should have a go-to tailor to make things fit like a glove. I have a box right now on my desk with 2 theFold dresses… can’t wait to go home and try them

I’m near to the Georgia quail hunting plantation belt, which I only know about b/c I’m a WSJ reader, not b/c I know people who do that. If I went away to the country for the weekend, I might be in stuff from REI. And if I changed for later, hanging out with my swell friends, I’d probably just be in clean not-worn-outside REI/Athleta gear?

But maybe that crowd in England is like Lady Mary, etc. where they change into tweedy country gowns for dinner. It’s fascinating to think through — but I really, truly don’t know.

My mom (70s, retiree) wears Pendleton; I think I’m too short-waisted or something. And also while it is quality, it is spendy.

Hunting breaks down in a funny (and significantly class-based) way in a lot of the US. In the south, deer hunting is generally a lower-income to middle-class sport that is popular in suburbs and rural areas. People are generally going to wear extremely practical clothes for that, which will involve a lot of camo and orange and will likely come from Wal-Mart or a sporting goods store. Bird shooting and skeet/trap shooting (especially upland bird shooting) are sports practiced by upper income people and you see a lot of Barbour and Orvis stuff.

Blaze orange is required in a lot of states for deer hunting, but not for upland bird hunting, for a range of reasons. The upshot is that quail or dove shoots often feature clothes that are a lot more like the stuff you see people wearing for shooting in the UK. (I know that there is deer hunting in the UK, but bird shooting is sort of the classic UK field sport.)

So the US equivalent of the UK’s country sports-type stuff would be the brands Americans wear for quail hunting and similar activities, not what we wear for deer or elk hunting (speaking very generally).

My rural SEUS family bird hunts with dogs, but we are the sort that has a freezers on the back porch :) It’s also a fishing-from-a-boat-in-the-river family. [And I think our family’s fishing and hunting gear is all from WalMart or maybe Tractor Supply.]

My quail hunting attire is a Mountain Hardware softshell, jeans, Dubarry-style (i.e. knock-off) boots, and a ball cap. Pretty much the same for shooting clays. I have a blaze orange vest to carry shells, etc. I don’t see a ton of the tweedy stuff except in folks who are really going for an English look and in Garden & Gun. I think modern technical attire/fabrics (like my softshell) accomplish a lot of what tweed, waxed cotton, etc. were trying to accomplish in their time, so now the latter is more of a lifestyle / aspiration thing than a necessity, which I think it used to be. If I were out in the brush more often I might get some brush-specific pants, and I do wear a Barbour in inclement weather. I love how “country attire” looks, though.

@Anon: Tangent, but Garden and Gun is a fascinating cultural artifact. It’s a weird idealized-progressive vision of the south, where racism is very much a historic issue, everyone eats artisanal local everything, all our stuff is handcrafted, and blue musicians never die of drug overdoses. Like if the entire south was Serenbe. I love it, it’s completely my aesthetic, but it’s very much not the real world.

This is interesting to read. Honestly, at least in my northern circles, most people I know would give someone an internal eye-roll or side-eye at the news that they went hunting this weekend. It’s associated with being into gun culture, and that’s associated with – well – rural rednecks, not to put too fine a point on it. I’ve seen Garden and Gun magazine, but it’s hard for me to associate “grace” and “class” with “guns.”

Lauren B- agree- my strictly west coast/east coast bleeding heart (also I’m a vegetarian lol) dies a little when I see this. I hate that some of my more right wing/southern cousins are into hunting and hate when they talk about it… none of my friends would go hunting (at most, some pro gun friends will have range memberships and do that- but that is a very specific set of friends).

I know there are big man trophy hunter types out there who are awful, but a lot of hunters are good friends to wildlife (and, not infrequently, to naturalists). I like the hunters I’ve met in my circles. They are very invested in the well being of the animals they hunt as well as their environments, and they are conscientious about which individual animals they target. It’s not my way, but they don’t deserve to be painted with the same brush as the jerks who go to stocked estates and “hunt” tame animals.

Talk to me about not losing your mind when job searching. I feel like I’m on an emotional roller coaster- find a promising job listing and I go up, then never hear back and I come crashing down. Get an interview and I go way up, then plummet into “why am I even in this field I’m clearly useless” while waiting to hear back. If I go a few days without finding a job to apply for I start to question every decision I’ve ever made about my career. It’s like imposter syndrome cranked up to a thousand.

You need to take the emotion out of it and work this like a very thorough search where you are going to apply to many jobs, take and learn from many interviews, apply the learnings to continue to tune and adjust your resume and talk track….you will get rejected from jobs that you want and get interest from employers that you don’t want. You need to apply to jobs and reach out to your network for referrals…both avenues are critical. If you are working full time, you need to allocate some time each day and treat this like a part time job. This will take time and eventually the right opportunity will come along….work hard at it, read everything you can about job searching and how to improve your results, trust the process. Trust the process….this is the best time to be looking, but it could take 3-6 months…..

+1. I took me 3,5 months and I interviewed for eight different jobs before finding the right fit. I tried to allocate X hours of my week to job searching and applied to so many things, including things that weren’t a 100% match (but nothing I absolutely wouldn’t have taken). I turned some down, and got turned down at the last stage of my “dream” job, before landing a really great position where I’m really happy. I was exhausting, but all the interviews were great learning experiences and an excellent way to see what’s out there. I had a good sense of the market and of what I wanted by the time I found my current job and it clicked instantly – I went back for interview #2 a few days later and had an offer within 24 hours. It’s really hard, but you will find something good!

Another +1. I was unemployed for 14 months after a law firm layoff, and it was so so so discouraging to repeatedly get through multiple rounds of interviews – and then find out that the legal department didn’t have final approval to hire, or get full on ghosted by a law firm, etc. I agree, keep emotion out of it and just keep plugging away. I nearly didn’t apply to my current job (perfect fit, at a point that I would have taken almost anything vaguely reasonable) because I figured it’d be another depressing shot into the void and waste of 30 minutes. I had an offer within two weeks of hitting submit. It only takes one, it’ll come along, don’t panic (especially if you’re currently employed) or beat yourself up!

Somebody told me that your job search usually take 3-6 months for every year you have been working. Yes, that sounds nutty, but to be honest, it took me a full 5 years to find my dream job. I don’t know whether that will make you happy or sad, but I was in the same position for a very long time – I had all the right skills but nobody would take a chance on me. I kept watching other people get awesome jobs, but I was stuck. I felt like a loser. But I kept applying, networking, honing me skills, and eventually a company saw my potential. I’m a top performer, but for a very very very long time, nobody viewed me that way. You just need to keep pushing to find an employer who sees you for who you really are.

1. Spreadsheet. Date, company, job title, interaction (application, phone interview, in-person interview, etc.). It’s easy to feel like you are doing “a lot,” when in fact, yo may or may not be.

2. Always focus on inputs and not outputs. You control the former, not the latter, but enough of the former leads to the latter. It’s a numbers game; treat it accordingly.

3. Thing I didn’t know: job search sites are highly regional. In some areas, you’ll find the jobs you’re looking for on LinkedIn; in others, it’s ZipRecruiter or Monster. Take some time to dig through them all to see which site is the most promising. Use them all, but one is going to be more fruitful than the others.

5. Get out of the mindset that there’s something wrong with you if you apply to a job and don’t get it, or interview for a job and don’t get it. When I was job searching, I stopped telling certain people when I interviewed, because they would shame me for not walking out of there with a job offer. That’s toxic. It killed my confidence, meant I stopped applying for jobs, and was downright wrong. People don’t get jobs for all sorts of reasons, and asking job seekers to berate themselves for not getting the job is vicious and evil.

This. #2 and #5…..This is a numbers game and there is a random factor to this….you control the aspects that you can control (inputs, effort, time investment)…..I kept my search very confidential until I had accepted a new job. I had 2 -3 trusted advisors that I spoke with when I needed their advice on specific items.

This is great advice. I’ve been job-searching since December and having a spreadsheet has been so helpful – I have mine in a Google sheet and just update it every time I apply/get a call. I have also told a total of two people that I am searching – a very close friend and my spouse. That’s it.

I’m in the Midwest and have had good luck on Indeed and a little bit on Linkedin. Ziprecruiter is awful for me but YMMV.

Exactly! Submit and move on to the next one, and the next one and the next one…that is the way to do it. Trying to analyze why you didn’t get a call back or interview or offer is a COMPLETE WASTE OF YOUR TIME…NEXT. The search took me 6 months and it was exhausting but I learned so much and landed a great job – trust the process…you can do this!

That’s job searching for you. It’s really, really rough and it takes forever and you start to question everything. I’ve been through prolonged searches three times now and it caused full-on situational depression for me. l encourage you to limit the amount of time you spend searching per day (do it all in a three-hour window or less instead of constantly refreshing the job boards throughout the day), exercise, and do the best you can to avoid blaming yourself.

1A) CBT can help you focus on gratitude- being employed, having marketable skills, getting interviews etc.

So much of the job search is like dating. It only takes one.

To expect 100% success is unrealistic considering all the factors against you from the employer’s perspective (they know who they want to hire but have to go through the motions, funding priorities changed, the person who was going to be in your corner left, etc.)

Also, this is why ambitious girls need to have room to fail. It’s a part of life. Learning how to bounce back from losses is a useful life skill.

Reviews from their collab with JCrew were mixed. Pros for a wide range of sizes, cons for fabric quality. Not sure if that’s a result of JCrew’s hit-or-miss quality, or representative of Universal Standard generally…

Agree with anon above that the featured shirt has WAY too low of a V for work. And I hate dealing with the extra layer of a cami. No thanks.

Definitely too low for work, and agree on the cami. Personally, I think any top that requires a cami is not appropriate for work. A cami as a backup in case you bend over etc. is one thing, but I have yet to see a polished/professional look that involved a cami showing through a low-cut neck.

I have a couple of things from them (the regular brand, not a collab). I would say their workmanship is high quality. I am not wild about the super boxy fits of a lot of their items but the pieces I have (the wrap blouse with the really long ties, in two colors, and a leather-like pencil skirt) fit really well and are very flattering. I also found their customer service excellent.

You have hot on the exact reason I have never ordered from them – so many of their options just seem like such shapeless sacks, which is the opposite of what looks good on my hourglass, plus-size self.

At the risk of definitely outing myself to people who know me in IRL, I LOVE Universal Standard. It is my current favorite clothing brand by a mile – their stuff is cool, different enough to be interesting but still wearable to work and casual life, and fits me well. I get the most compliments on their clothes of any that I wear.

Highly recommend the tshirts (expensive, but super flattering and soft), overalls, twill dress (though it does wrinkle as the day goes on), and the Geneva dress, which can dress up or down even in the knit. The leatherette front skirt is my latest boss lady skirt that I wear on days I want to feel powerful. Not everything works for me but their returns are easy.

I find things pretty true to size, though often they style things bigger than I prefer (I’m a 14/16 and wear an XS in tshirts and S in skirts and dresses). Their collaboration with J Crew wasn’t as successful for me as the stuff from their main line.

OK so I have to preface this to say that I have a pretty great boss and realize that my frustrations at work could be a LOT worse. However…as an overachiever, I thrive on praise and approval from others, especially at work. I am my boss’ only direct report so I do a lot of work for them. Their notes back to me when I email them work product are usually one of two things: “this looks ok” or “I think this looks fine.” Rarely a thanks and the words “great” or even “good” are never used. There are also never comments or changes so it is not like they have constructive feedback or changes to be made to what I had sent. I don’t expect them to praise me from the rooftops on every assignment but it just seems like they go out of their way to not compliment my work in any way. OK rant over.

If you want head pats, I don’t know what to tell you, but if you want regular constructive feedback, set up a regular one-on-one meeting to ask specific questions on your work product. This is how your bosses operate and you aren’t going to change them, you have to take the initiative if you want more feedback.

I think you have to let it go if you truly like your boss and your job. This is a minor thing.

Honestly, no one should expect a lot of praise at work. I have read aboht how this is a mismatch between millennial expectations and the realities of the workplace and as a Gen Xer, I have tried to remember that with my own staff, but I’m sure I praise them less than they would like.

I can’t remember the last time my boss praised me, if ever. As a former colleague of mine said, your thanks arrives in the form of direct deposit, every other week.

A mentor once told me–the best day is when you get back a letter you drafted with simply a check mark at the top. No news is good news. Hard to handle day-to-day but adjusting your expectations of what counts as an “A+” might help.

Do you have yearly reviews or some other performance assessment mechanism? I think it’s a lot to expect enthusiasm on every work product – usually “this works” means you are meeting the expectations of your job. Unless it’s an unusually huge or exceptional work product, I don’t expect more. I’ve gotten more praise in either reviews or at the end of a project or transaction, as in “congratulations on all of your work on XYZ in the past few months, you did a great job”.

I know this is hard for overachievers, but no news is usually good news!

As a supervisor with only two direct reports, I do try to provide useful feedback. But sometimes I’m in a hurry, or there just isn’t much to say because I really don’t have any changes to my reports’ good work, or I have a million other things on my plate. I do try to call out something that’s truly above and beyond or when I know an assignment was a big challenge, but I’m not going to gush over most routine assignments.

It sounds like you’re doing fine. I would just reframe your expectation of what a compliment from them is and be less caught up in the actual words they use. Also take the overachiever part away – there are probably as many overachievers who wouldn’t need these words as there are people who want them. Neither is wrong – just different perspectives.

Do they otherwise have your back or speak highly of you to others? Are they supportive of giving you more challenging tasks and developing your skill set? Are you well compensated? I’d consider myself an overachiever and these matter so much more to me than if my boss says good job to me.

It’s a bit like the “love languages” concept. Your “good job language” is to hear praise but boss’ isn’t to give it. It’s different in that it’s not totally a two way street like a relationship of equals. So in the boss / employee dynamic there is some onus on the employee to bend a little more to the boss’ language (i’m sure many people will disagree with me and I’m not suggesting boss’ shouldn’t try to make good performing staff feel recognized – but if you’re the employee and you want to feel praised don’t overlook the ways you are recognized just because you’re it’s not your preferred method.)

Also, from the perspective of a partner, the best compliment you can get is if people still want to work with you.

I also don’t do a lot of head pats, but if I keep working with you – I’m investing in you and think you are worth the time to help develop. Also, FWIW, the first time I ever got a compliment or praise from my most beloved and helpful mentor was when she forwarded me an email chain where she referred to me as “excellent” to a third party in an email buried like three emails deep. Notably, I had reviewed the email before it was sent, and she did not include the word “excellent” in the draft I reviewed, which was verbatim – except for that very specific word.

I’ve also seen this in my children, the more I praise them, the more they rely on the praise. They stop doing things unless they are being praised, which is no way to get through life. It becomes a slippery slope!

I think you need to adjust your definition of praise. Early in my career I worked for a particular partner who would return a pleading to me covered in red pen. Over time, I began to understand his preferences and improved the quality of my work. The best praise he ever gave me was returning a first draft signed without a single change.
I never heard him utter the words “thank you” the entire time I worked for him. However, I quickly became his go-to associate….which is likely his highest form of praise.

Thanks to OP and the replies. OP is basically me, too. I start to think I’m not doing a good job if I don’t get regular “atta girls,” and then I wonder what I should be doing better. Part over-achiever, part millennial, and part employee in a field with cyclical lay offs.

That’s a bit harsh. Expecting constant praise might be needy, but thriving on praise isn’t. And in some situations, “the world” will praise you for doing well. Perhaps OP is just adjusting from a praise-heavy environment to one where that is not the norm.

Yeah, I think doing good and great work is just what is expected of you as an employee, so they don’t feel the need to say it. I assume when you got As in school, you didn’t also get upset if the professor didn’t say “good job” in addition to giving the A. Think of your paycheck as an A and a “good job” all in one.

If you want to be in a situation where you’re being overtly praised/appreciated, I’d recommend doing volunteer work. Because you’re not being paid, the warm fuzzies and appreciation basically ARE your pay, so that might fill some of that need for you.

Does anyone track their wardrobe through excel or an app? I want to see which items I wear frequently, include price to calculate cost per wear, and potentially identify gaps. I know this sounds pretty crazy and excessive, I’m trying to shop smarter and thought this would help me realize how much stuff I have.

Kinda? I was doing a BIG cleanout this summer and started a log in excel. I didn’t include price data because I don’t remember half of it (ditto for number of wears), but I did note brands and sizes in case I ever want to rebuy, and best guess at purchase date so I could estimate how long something had lasted me/what level of wear and tear it had stood up to. And it’s been helpful with all the moves I’ve been making, and the decision to let some things go (e.g. “Good Lord I’ve had those jeans for ten years, surely they can be retired now!”) When trying to identify gaps, I actually took notes from the Vivienne Files (which I heard about here; very helpful advice in terms of making your clothes work for you and choosing colors carefully even if the styles chosen aren’t my cup of tea), and made a bullet journal spread of my version of her 4×4. I haven’t figured out how to track which items I wear the most other than just literally writing down what I wear every day and making a pie chart or something, but I find that it’s easier to get a sense of what I wear more often when I have fewer pieces.

I read the vivienne files too. Do you have more than one 4×4? I find myself trying to mentally fit my wardrobe into a 4×4 but I have different color schemes that I don’t mix and match with each other (for instance, I have base pieces in navy and black, but I tend not to wear them together even though I do think they can look nice together.)

Kind of, yes. I have grand plans to have three, winter/fall/warm weather, all built around navy, but I just can’t justify throwing out loads of black clothes that still have plenty of wear left. So I’ve decided that I won’t buy any new black clothes, and just slowly phase it out as the pieces wear out, and just resign myself to having a somewhat imperfect 4×4 for now. If a piece gets too frustrating, I kick it to my casual wardrobe, which is made up solely of Things I Love, color notwithstanding, or get rid of it.

Do you only use the 4×4 for workwear then? I was thinking of doing something similar but black for winter wear, and navy for spring/summer because I don’t like wearing nude hose in the winter and feel like black tights with navy is weird on me.

I’m not sure where I saw this piece of advice- but every Jan 1, I turn all my hangers backwards. Any still backwards the next Jan 1, usually go to good will. It really makes you notice how many things you aren’t wearing over the course of a year.

I did this pre-pregnancy but in a low tech way. I designated a page for each category at the back of my planner, wrote down an item when I wore it and put a tick every time I wore it after that. It was helpful to see what my wardrobe workhorses were. I only have about 12 work outfits at the moment so currently just wear them on a loop so no tracking necessary.

This is exactly what I do for my business/business casual workwear. I hand scribble down the day of the week and my outfit..e.g. Mon Blk Blzer + Purple T/Charcoal (pants). I loop through the previous outfits, on repeat. I struggle to remember what I wore last summer, so I go back 2-3 pages and whoa, whole “new” tried and tested outfit combos at the ready. Sometimes I jot a letter next to a specific day; “C” if I rewore the outfit to church, or “YYY, etc.” for the off-site location I was working that day. I’ve been doing this for geez, probably 10 years and I would feel completely lost without it….or I would just wear the same 4 tops and 4 pants like my husband :) I should have a more defined, curated modern style, but that’s a whole ‘nother issue.

Yes, sort of. I used an app called SmartCloset for a while, but it was a big pain taking pictures of all my clothes to load into it and I fell off the wagon eventually. But I did find it useful to plan outfits in advance (and I made notes of which outfits didn’t work), and I’m planning to start up again after I KonMari my clothes (my project for president’s day!).

I was about to mention that too! I think she went Orangerie, but I haven’t seen a post from her in years. I ended up modifying hers a little bit but I still otherwise track what I wear to work every day and keep a related tab for clothing purchases. It’s been really helpful.

I do. It took a lot of time to make the spreadsheet but then that’s done, so no more work. I do tick off things and it has made me wear/rediscover certain items in my wardrobe that I had ignored. It also made me realize some things I never want to wear, so those got donated. I like it a lot but it has made me kind of crazy because I try to work my way through the whole list over and over again.

Yes, I track # of wears, cost, etc in excel and have been doing so for like 5 years now. I have a lot of compulsive energy so this is one of the things that I use it for. I find it oddly soothing to have to enter in data every day, for some reason. And my general impressions of what I wear and like and durability is not actually what the data show! Which is kind of interesting to me. It takes like 2 seconds and I have it in an excel in a google doc.

I use the Stylebook App – getting all your items in can seem daunting in the beginning, but I use mostly online stock photos of my clothes, and its an easy way for me to visualize and log my outfits. It has features for most worn/least worn, cost per wear etc… I love to use it for packing for trips – I plan my outfits and it generates a packing list. Even better – I don’t overpack anymore

I’m way late to the party, but I also use and love Stylebook! After I got the app I logged my entire closet, and now whenever I buy something new I save an image of the item to Pinterest (so I always have it if I need it) and then add the photo and info to Stylebook when I have a minute to do so. I love that it keeps track of all the data, and it really has helped me understand what I like to wear, what is missing from my wardrobe, and what I never wind up wearing. And it is so great for packing!! Every Sunday I sit down and spend ten minutes planning my outfits for the work week. For me, it’s been really helpful to (a) curb my shopping habit and (b) develop a professional wardrobe out of college and into law school and now law practice. It also means I don’t waste time in the morning debating what to wear because I already checked the forecast and chose an outfit. Once I got everything set up and organized, it became a total breeze to maintain, and it just removes a lot of the stress of getting ready day-to-day and also for trips.

So, I was really slow at work one month last year and set this up… It took a few months for me to really get this set up where it was useful. But now that I’ve had this going for a year, it’s really useful. It was frankly embarrassing to see how much stuff I had. I have been in the process of overhauling my closet to have stuff that is higher quality and a little more age appropriate, and I was also able to see how much I spent last year (also embarrassing). It has also been helpful to identify items I need to let go and items I need to keep. For example, I have a few tops that are always in the front of my closet, and I grab them frequently but apparently never actually wear them. I also had a few items like a blue button down that I felt like were “wardrobe necessities” but never wore. In contrast, I have a utility jacket that I kind of hate but apparently wear a ton, so I was able to see that I needed to replace that before I got rid of it.

Would you share the template? I have a burner email abbycorporette @ google. It seems useful, and your experience is exactly what I’m hoping to achieve. Also laughed at you saying you wearing a utility jacket you hate all the time.

YES! Stylebook. It’s fabulous. You photograph your wardrobe which takes a bit of time but can be done over months. Advantages-
* See that you actually have so many clothes and do actually not need that 5th black turtleneck or whatever. Or conversely it points out holes in your wardrobe you should fill.
* $ per wear. For example my $238 Citizens of Humanity jeans that I hesitated to buy due to the price are at $9.50 per wear right now and going strong.
*When you wear an outfit you can save it for future reference. Then in a pinch, scroll through your looks and in a put together outfit in no time.
*Prospectively enter outfits for the week in the calendar feature.
* There is a also a packing feature where you can scroll through outfits or items and move them to the suitcase. It so helps to pack when you’ve selected your trip capsule before even approaching the closet.

It’s great for knowing exactly what you have and what goes with what. Cannot recommend highly enough.

I just periodically go through my closet and hang everything up backwards (meaning the end of the hook part of the hanger is facing out and you have to lift the hanger up and then bring it under the bar to take the item off the rod). After I wear something, I hang it back up the normal way. At the end of the season (though you could also do a shorter period of time), I pull out all the items still hung up backwards and decide whether it’s worth it to keep each one. I also look at gaps and what items/brands/styles I did wear to determine what to buy in the end-of-season sales.

Help me decide whether to speak up or myob? My office frequently hosts lunch meetings where lunch is brought in. The leftovers are placed in the lunchroom after the meeting is over. The leftovers sit out on a table until shortly before 5, when the receptionist either takes them home or puts them in the fridge. If placed in the fridge, the receptionist will take them out the next day (sometimes in the morning, sometimes around lunchtime) and leave them out, unrefrigerated, until the end of the day. Sometimes this even happens for a third day.

I have a couple of problems with this. First, I’m worried that people will get sick. We have a lot of lunch meetings so it’s hard to track how long food has been sitting out until you’re really paying attention. It’s totally possible that people will unknowingly eat meat/fish/eggs that has been unrefrigerated for 15+ hours. Second, I’m totally icked out by food sitting out for so long. I eat my lunch at work so it’s not like I can avoid seeing it, even though I avoid eating it. I know I’m a little more squeamish than some, though, so maybe this is normal?

Yeah that’s nasty and unsafe. Meat and dairy in particular should never be left out that long. I would speak up and request that all food be moved into the fridge post meeting. You can attach FDA guidelines if needed.

Not the anon you’re responding to, but attaching the FDA guidelines is a completely over the top response to a minor situation. Frankly, I think you should reserve your “ugh such a rude response” to describe the email this poster is suggesting the OP send to the receptionist.

No no no. It is not her job to keep consenting adults from eating questionable food. Everyone should make their own judgment about whether this food is safe and proceed accordingly. For some people, like OP, that’s never. Personally, I’d have no hesitation about eating this food unless I were pregnant. I’ve never gotten sick from bad food.

MYOB. Presumably you work with adults, and it’s up to them to care whether the food they are eating is safe, not you.

I don’t understand being squicked out by food on the counter if you aren’t eating it and it doesn’t smell rotten. I think you are just going to have to get over that. It’s not the hill to die on, nor would I want to be “that” person in my office.

I’d vote – you’re squeamish and move on.
Generally people who enjoy free work food know how long it’s been sitting out and they make their own judgment calls. I’ve seen dudes in my firms knowingly eat some really questionable sandwiches with glee.

Don’t worry about other people getting sick, they can take care of themselves.

I would myob unless/until people actually get sick. The US is notoriously more conservative about what “needs” to be in the fridge than other countries so there’s probably a good bit more leeway than you’re accustomed to.

I agree with MYOB, but fwiw, it’s not that the US is more conservative about food safety. It’s that we use different pasteurization techniques than Europeans so our food does actually need to be refrigerated and theirs does not. I have a lot of European friends and they refrigerate everything in the US even though they don’t at home. One exception is that organic milk in the US is generally pasteurized the European way and is shelf-stable and Americans just store it in the fridge out of habit/taste. But I assume the office is not springing for organic milk.

I think the scenario you describe is a rather standard (although not very safe) approach in offices. My firm does it after our lunches and we’ll even do it with catered food that is left over from an evening event held in our office (which has meant, at times, sushi served at an event is put into a fridge after the event (no telling how long it was out during the event) is then put out again the next morning for people to take). It makes me squeamish as well, but like you, I just don’t eat it. Some of the rest of the office eats it, some do not. They’re all adults, they generally are aware of the risks. I don’t think there’s really a question that the sushi, etc. is left over from lunch/event, so it’s just an “eat at your own risk thing”.

You could always say something, but I’m not sure what the reasonable alternative is? Throw it all away? Make someone pack it up right away, then it becomes something that potentially sits in the fridge for a week or two? If it’s not part of someone’s job to deal with the leftovers specifically, then I don’t really know what you could do unless you want to take on the task yourself.

Do you work in a big office? Ask/suggest to the assistant to move it to a common area (lounge, lunchroom) and send out a low importance note to all staff/all junior staff. Don’t do ti in front of anyone else to avoid taking responsibility or the office mom reputation.

I agree that it’s unsafe. However I think you’re being too squeamish about the ick factor.
Focus on the part where you dont want your colleagues to get sick.
It’s ok to ask the receptionist to keep food in the fridge right away, and take it out the next day say just before lunchtime. Phrase it as your interest in keeping your colleagues safe, and ask nicely and I think that’s fine.

Our admin insists on setting the food out, too, and it drives me nuts. I’m definitely trying not to be the office mom but I hate having shrimp salad sandwiches sit out all day only to be put out again the next day at 9 am. We do this with half and half, too. We’ll have leftover individual creamers and she’ll put them in a wicker basket and put them on the counter when they say the need to be refrigerated. Sometimes she’ll leave them out overnight and then tell people they’re fine. So I throw them out when no one’s around.

Anxiety workbook question: I’m in therapy for anxiety and was looking into additional resources to help me deal. I can’t be prescribed medication (without jeopardising my legal career) due to some outdated bureaucratic protocol, so I’ve been relying heavily on self-help books and more recently therapy (cue spiraling relationship issues that highlighed my otherwise shoved-into-back-of-my-mind anxiety).

I recall there were some CBT and workbooks recommended on a few helpful threads (including yesterday’s) on this s!te, and am trying to buy one of the books, but there seem to be a few with similar titles.

Could someone point me to which of these you recommend: (1) the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook (Edmund Bourne PhD) (2) the Anxiety and Worry Workbook (David A. Clark PhD)? Any additional CBT- or related book recommendations would be greatly appreciated as well. Thank you in advance.

I’m the one who recommends the book by Dr. Bourne. It was life-changing for me. As a millennial, I was skeptical that there could be information in a book that wasn’t also available online, but it’s really comprehensive and such a good resource. I would also recommend if cost is an issue than getting one of the earlier editions. I think it’s on edition 7, so buy edition 5 or 6 and pay only a few dollars for the book plus shipping. I haven’t tried the other book, I would like to though.

I’ll note, I don’t have phobias, but found reading those sections interesting. It basically lays out each and every single recommended treatment option for anxiety (and phobias). And I mean every single option. And then there’s a chapter on what that treatment looks like and how to do it. I have the 5th version and can also check for anything you’d like to know as well.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I have been dealing anxiety for the better part of 15 years, and yoga has really helped me with mine. I still take a low dose of medication, but yoga helps me recenter my thoughts when I’m starting to spiral.

I have Bourne’s and find it to be too phobia-focused for me. It deals a lot with specific, paralyzing phobias (“I CAN’T go in the kitchen because there’s a spider”; “I have panic attacks when I think about flying”) and so I had to do a lot of adapting for my more generalized worrying.

For any kind of CBT, you really have to do the work, so if you’re dithering a whole lot just flip a coin and commit.

Sorry to hijack this thread, but for those of you on a daily dose of meds to manage anxiety, what do you take? I have taken wellbutrin on and off for years for what I’ve always described as depression related symptoms. Lately, it seems my symptoms better match anxiety. I’ve been experiencing a lot of what some of you here recently described as “background noise.” I have an appointment with my PCP in a few weeks to discuss whether a different med would be appropriate.

I take 300 mg Wellbutrin in the morning and 30 mg Celexa at night for depression and anxiety. I tried lots of different doses and combinations to arrive at that, and I’ve found it works very well for me.
My doctor warned me that Wellbutrin can exacerbate anxiety in some people. If your symptoms are changing, your instincts to try a change are probably good.
Good luck. Finding a medication regiment that worked for me was life-changing. It freed me up to really do the work I needed (and continue to need) in therapy.

Effexor XR has been life changing for me. I’ve been through the whole Lexapro/Celexa/Paxil thing and the Effexor XR works the best and has for years. I have high levels of anxiety, some depression, and some OCD overlay without meds, and this allows me to function and thrive. I take a high dose though, and it’s the extended release that seems to really help me. There aren’t a lot of mental health resources (including therapists) where I live, so I’m lucky that I got in to see the one psychiatrist in the area, and that he is experienced enough to know that not every drug works for every person, and that certain drugs are much better for anxiety than depression.

I have GAD and minor OCD. I also have found Effexor XR to be most helpful after trying Lexapro and Celexa. With Effexor (and I’m not sure if this is the case with all SSRIs and SNRIs), I started at a low dosage (75 mg) and increased it to 150 mg after doctor shared that higher dosages are more effective in treating anxiety.

I realize this is not the question you asked, but I’m stunned that you cannot be prescribed medication without jeopardizing your career. You acknowledge that it’s outdated protocol, but it also seems to be an incredibly dangerous one, especially given what we know about rates of mental illness and risky behavior among lawyers.
I am not questioning the truth of what you’re saying; I’m sure you’ve explored whether there’s some way around this (and if you haven’t, please do! Now!). But to the extent this restriction is causing you pain, I want to validate that.

Thank you for the recommendations/commiseration, everyone! I will look into the resources recommended.

@Maudy Atkinson – Thanks for the comment. Much of it is based on seriously outdated social stigma about mental health particular to my country (i.e., “most” people think that only so-called “crazy” people go to see a psychotherapist — I’m not in the US, and attitudes are slow to change), and it’s extremely sad and dangerous. I have a number of my classmates suffer from various mental health issues wothout realizing (including me and my undiagnosed anxiety), and we had at least 1-2 people from my midsize law school who had tried to or committed suicide every year (that I know of).

FWIW, my mentor at my first job (several years ago) told me at one point to see a doctor and be prescribed off the record (i.e., without national health insurance) if I’m too “uncomfortable”, as I had full blown insomnia (2 hours of sleep a day and panic attacks at the crack of dawn) at the time…he was a DA no less, so go figure. I wasn’t comfortable with that or self medicating (I usually have some form of side effects when I take BC/sleeping pills, plus probably not legal for someone involved in the process, plus probably dangerous), and I had good progress with therapy at the time — my insomnia and panic attacks were more or less gone after 6-7 sessions of CBT (which was all I could afford, so haven’t kept it up. Oops). Currently I’m not at a point where the anxiety is currently interfering with my sleep (much) or functioning/ decisionmaking at non-zombie levels (I think. Although maybe I’m setting the bar too low at aiming for non-zombie levels…). So I chose to make whatever lifestyle adjustments I could and try to live with it first. I do realize that medication may indeed be the best course to go, and wish I had more freedom to try (I’ve always been a worrier, even when I was a toddler, so I’m guessing that chemical imbalance does figure into this somewhat) I’ve just been reluctant to try it thus far given the constraints particular to my situation.

Missed the comments on this yesterday but just wanted to chime in and say I’m another person who has heard a lot from first hand sources about how horrible she is (work in politics in another state and have close contacts in the industry in both DC and Minnesota). Some of the stuff I’ve heard has gone even beyond throwing binders (which is unacceptable!) and into really personal and creepy – I’ve heard stories about her making her aides shave her legs. From people I’ve worked closely with and trust deeply. I’m sure a man would get away with much more but my vision of feminism is that we hold EVERYONE accountable for abusive behavior, men included, not that we should excuse a woman’s horrible treatment of her staff for the sake “equality”.

Slate already covered the “making her aides shave her legs” rumor so although I believe some things you said I’m not going to believe that you have insider knowledge at all. Nothing you said is unique or from a first hand source.

I don’t think I have unique insider knowledge, I heard it from someone who works in politics in DC before the article came out so I assume a lot of people have heard it. But it is something I heard from a trusted person in my field not just the media, so I’m confirming as another person who has heard these things through a professional network. Others in the thread were making the same point – its not just rumors but a well known reputation in her professional field.

Language police here: having heard something from somebody else who heard it is not the meaning of first hand. You heard accounts and you trust your source, be that as it may. But it’s only ‘first hand’ if your contact is either Klobuchar or her staffer.

I am going to be between jobs this summer (my next job is already lined up), and I’m planning to go on an adventure and do the Trans-Mongolian. I’m doing it with a tour, and there’s a day and a half in St. Petersburg at the beginning (the tour starts on Monday evening, and we catch an overnight train on Wednesday evening), and then a half day in Beijing at the end. I want more time in both places, but how much is enough time? Has anyone been to either city and have some suggestions for what I should do? (The tour is basically just train + hotel, there’s nothing organized in the cities. Suggestions for what to do in Moscow, Lake Baikal, and Ulaanbataar also very welcome!) Is arriving Sunday afternoon enough (so two and a half days in St. Petersburg) or should I arrive Saturday? And how many full days do I need in Beijing? 2? 4? Help me out, well-traveled ladies…

definitely at least 3.5 days in St. Petersburg, maybe another to accommodate jet lag. It’s beautiful to walk around in and there’s a lot to see. Great museums (Hermitage!). If you’re there in June, you may be there for the “White Nights” which are amazing. (on that note also bring an eye shade so you can sleep). In Moscow, obviously go to Red Square, Gorky Park, etc. Get Georgian food (khachapuri!) in both places.

I was only in Beijing for two nights (2.5 days) and did a hit and run with the various sites. It was super exhausting and I was jet lagged (your last stop so that shouldn’t be a problem). I got the Tiananmen/Forbidden City, Summer Palace, Temple of Heaven, and the Great Wall in on my short visit. I really recommend the Summer Palace and the Great Wall as the two “must”. I took public metro to get to the Summer Palace. The walk from the metro station to the palace wasn’t well signed. I had a local friend who met up and walked with me. This is now a public park and I recommend to stroll the paths beyond the buildings out in the front. It gets to be very tranquil and you’ll see locals jogging once you go to the green parts. Our host family drove us to the Great Wall very early in the morning (6am?) and we had the wall to ourselves for a good 10 minutes. Regardless of crowds you can’t miss this. Still the most breathtaking sight I’ve seen among my short years of travel. There are different sections of the wall so you can research and see which one suits you. We went to the restored Badaling section. There are more “authentic” parts that are erm… crumbling a bit. They have hiking tours to these that you can book online.
As for the Forbidden City – we had palace fatigue by the time we got here, but there’s Jingshan park nearby where you can get a bird’s eye view of the complex. You may also see locals playing traditional instruments and singing here. I liked it better than dealing with tourists in the palace.

I did a similar itinerary in Beijing in 2.5 days. If you’re not jetlagged, I think it’s totally doable. Do Forbidden City and Temple of Heaven in 1 full day, Great Wall in 1 full day (we did Great Wall and Ming Tombs), and Summer Palace on a half day. We had a guide/driver for the trip; we booked through a travel agent, but the whole trip wasn’t really that much so I think that’s a not-super expensive option. With the Great Wall, we went to the Mutianyu Section, which is also restored and further away than Badaling but WAY less crowded. There were very few people there on the day we went. By contrast, I had a friend who went to Badaling a few months before I did and they had massive crowds. Caveat is this was 4 years ago and it looked like they were significantly ramping up the tourist infrastructure around Mutianyu at the time, so it may be more crowded now. I’d consult the Internet for the current best section that balances location vs. crowds (TripAdvisor forums usually have excellent advice)

When we were in St. Petersburg a few years ago you either needed a special visa that took some time to get to walk around by yourself OR you had to be part of/stay with an organized tour group. If things haven’t changed, be sure that you have the right visa if you plan on sightseeing on your own before the tour starts.

We loved the Peterhof Palace and Hermitage. Another note – the cafes and some of the shops at either the Peterhof of Hermitage (it’s been awhile) didn’t take credit cards and I don’t usually carry much/any local currency so that was an unexpected challenge when the kids wanted a snack. I didn’t expect that at a major established museum.

Thanks so much for all the tips! It sounds like it will be worth it to have that extra day in St. Petersburg, I will add the Peterhof to my list. And thanks for pointing out the visa issue–fortunately, the visa my tour is organizing includes three extra days at the beginning, so I should be good, but I definitely am glad I checked!

I am not well travelled but studied abroad for 3 months in Beijing. 2-3 days is enough to do a greatest hits tourist run of Beijing’s major sites, but it’s certainly a major city where you could spent 4+. I was there 8 years ago and this was the case, I imagine that this is even more the case nowadays. Keep in mind that a lot of the things are FAR from each other, on opposite sides of the city, so factor in time for that. Mutianyu as others have mentioned is further outside of the city, Forbidden City is kinda in the middle, Old Summer Palace (Yuanmingyuan) is also kinda in the middle, but Summer Palace (Yuanmingyuan) is kinda on the side of the city, etc. Plus, maybe I’m biased but I studied at Peking University, and the school itself has a gorgeous grounds area that is worth a walk through….and all the local food! Everywhere!

As an unpopular opinion, I might drop Forbidden City if you’re pressed for time for any reason. It is a major tourist stop but it was honestly boring AF, spoken as a Chinese American that understands the language. They don’t actually allow you to go into much, unless policies have changed, so you’re just walking in from one side of the grounds to another, through a lot of buildings that look exactly the same. Yuanmingyuan was actually my favorite place, even over Yiheyuan (summer palace). It’s just the right amount of broken down to have less crowds, and what remains is still really beautiful and peaceful.

Also, check out 798 Art District! It too is geographically on the side of the city, but its equivalent to like…Shimokitazawa in Tokyo or the Arts District in Los Angeles, hipster with a lot of interesting sculptures, a laid back vibe, and cool museums/local shops.

CHeck out the Man in Seat 61 blog. I’ve been wanting to do the Trans Siberian for years and years and this is one I bookmarked. Traveling in Russia is hard–I dealt with a lot of anti-American sentiment and people trying to cheat me, everywhere. I don’t say this lightly–I’ve traveled to nearly 50 countries. Easily the hardest. Also, try to find a book that has maps in English and Cyrillic–makes navigating easier.

I did six days in St. Petersburg and that was about right. It was amazing! Second recs for Peterhof and Tsarskoye Selo.

I’m an avid fan of BR’s Sloan pants but would love something with a higher waist. A dream come true would be a side zip instead of a front zip, but that’s not necessarily required. Mainly I just love the Sloan thick stretchy fabric that isn’t too much of a lint-catch. TIA!

Not BR but I bought a pair of side zip, higher waist pants from White House Black Market that I love for work. Stretchy waist but looks professional enough that it’s my go to outfit for business development lunches/coffees where I want to be comfy but still look put together.

Question – I often have to order flowers for funerals of colleagues’ family members. (I don’t need a lecture on why I shouldn’t send them. I just do.) How do you address the card? Do you add a line under the name that explains who you are, e.g. (Condolences – Jane Doe (Company X)] Or just put your name and hope they figure out who they are?

If you’re doing this for work, absolutely put the company and people contributing (eg., the legal department at ACME, John, Jane, Jim and Bob) – your name sounds strange in the context you’re describing. Never hope people figure it out.

OMG. DO NOT just leave a name and hope they figure out who you are. You’re talking about one of the worst, most stressful times a family can deal with, and you want them to play NCIS? You’re kidding, right?

Put. The. Damn. Company. Name.

Trust me, they do not have the time or patience to set their grief aside and figure out who you are.

Just put the company name (with team/dept if that would be appropriate). I don’t think your name belongs on it, unless you’re listing the members of a dept that you are in (in which case yes, also put the company name).

Actually, I send them from myself and pay out of my own pocket. It’s more of a question of whether I should explain who I am. For example, I sent flowers for the funeral of a close colleague’s FIL. She went through the names, found mine, and thanked me. I didn’t put the company name on there. But I’m thinking I guess I should, so that whoever goes through the names could know “who’s person” I was.

It’s standard custom in my region to send the flowers/potted plant addressed to the person you know and delivered at the funeral home or church. So the outside of the card would have your colleague’s name and the inside would be your condolences and name. That way the family can easily identify who sent what to whom.

I saw it recommended here – the Clinique chubby stick? lip crayon? something like that. They come in a ton of shades. They wear almost like a lip balm, nice and moisturizing, though some colors have more coverage than others.

Nars Matte Velvet lip pencils have an amazing texture. I have one at home that pretty much just enhances my natural lip color but if you can try them at Sephora or elsewhere I’m sure you can find a match for yours. I don’t recall the color name and don’t have it with me.

Having your complexion helps. Are you pale, somewhere between pale and tan, tan, light brown, brown, or deep skin toned? Are you cool, warm, neutral, olive? Sorry for pressing but the more info the better recs you’ll get because there are just soooo many lipsticks.

I’m sure I’ll get flamed for this but I’m going to vent anyway. I think I might be done with dating guys with kids. I know I will never be #1 in dad’s life because the kid should come first – as it should be. But I’m pretty over being second place to another woman. And I’m REALLY over being gaslighted that no it’s not to make the other woman’s life easier it’s all for kid! Example:

BF and I had plans last night. The normal routine is, he hangs out with kid after school/for kid’s dinner, mom picks up kid at like 5:30/6. One day a week (last night), BF leaves for my place, by the time he gets there I have dinner ready for us, and BF spends the night. For Reasons I can’t go to BF’s place on the one weekday we see each other. Last night, mom was running about an hour late – she left work late and got stuck in traffic and whined about having to pick up kid – so BF offered to just keep kid for the night. An hour would not have made any difference in our plans (or kid’s bedtime, fwiw, though he didn’t bring this up). I planned dinner for us over the weekend and I was already cooking by the time he told me he wasn’t coming over. But I’m not allowed to be mad that he flaked at the last minute to accommodate his ex whining. He gets to spend more time with kid! Sorry I’m not the center of his universe how can I be so horrible as to want to deprive him time with his child???

And this is not just this guy – I’ve run into this sort of thing with every dad I’ve ever dated. We have plans, he cancels at the last minute for Ex Reasons, I get upset that he doesn’t have better boundaries with ex, and he turns it around on me like I’m asking him to abandon his child. Look I get you have other commitments and you don’t want to pick every single battle with ex, but it’s pretty tiresome that the battles you don’t pick seem to only ever be at my expense.

Well, yes, this is the reality of dating someone with kids. They are still co-parenting with someone, even if divorced. Which means accommodating and changing plans when it involves the kids. I see this less as accommodating another woman than your boyfriend trying to be an involved parent. I sympathize with how frustrating it feels, but it sounds like your decision to not date dads is for the best.

I would agree with you of OP was mad that he was late – sometimes that’s unavoidable. But it sounds like OP was ok with him being late, she was mad that he canceled entirely. He should’ve told OP, hey I’m running an hour late is that ok? If it is then you don’t cancel plans just because your ex is running late for pick up. I think OP is right to be annoyed. But not all single dads are like this. You have to look for guys who are willing to make you A priority even if you’re not THE priority.

Eh idk. Sounds like mom just didn’t feel like doing pick up on her night because it was inconvenient. Cancelling plans like this is doing mom a pretty big favor. Grantwd it’s in the kid’s best interest to be with the parent who’s happy to let them hang out, not the parent who’s annoyed and frazzled. But if this happens a lot then it gets real old real fast to always be second fiddle to the ex’s preferences.

I married a man with a child who has an excellent relationship with his ex-wife. For reasons I won’t go into here, we legitimately need to defer to her requests for changing plans/schedules at any time. She is not unreasonable in her requests, but life happens and plans need to be changed and we defer to her. I hate it even as I know it is the best thing to be doing. Knowing what I know now, I would advise me circa 2008 not to date a man with kids.
If you don’t like it now, it won’t get better. And not dating a man with kids is a perfectly acceptable choice.

Don’t inflict yourself on any more kids! Kids are unpredictable, relationships are messy, and if you can’t be flexible in your day to day then you need to find someone as rigid as you are. Your BF is probably thanking his gods that he has discovered this about you now rather than down the road when he’s really committed. You are not the kind of person who can handle change or interruptions and that’s fine! You just need to find someone who can devote themselves only to you. An orphan would be a good place to start because sometimes parents have needs too. Try to find a guy with no friends who might distract his attention. Good luck!

No ma’am, I will not go away. I understand her being upset. However, I think it’s mean-spirited of her to characterize her BF’s ex MULTIPLE times as “whining.” If she doesn’t understand that some days are tough, sometimes work runs over and you can’t get things done on schedule then she’s not ready for a relationship with an adult who might have other relationships in his life. Grownups realize things can get complicated and are able to roll with the punches a little bit. Clearly she has not yet learned this lesson.

That’s…not what she said at all. She’s not upset that something came up with the kid or that the mom was going to make everyone late. She’s upset that he volunteered to take the kid overnight (which the mom did not ask for) without even talking to her, which caused her to waste time and effort and not be able to see him that week. She was ready to be flexible and he didn’t communicate or take her into consideration at all.

It’s also hard to just be friends with people with kids. Kids get sick, sitters have cars that die, etc.

But if his ex has remarried, they are less likely to be so enmeshed. She probably has boundaries even if he doesn’t. But he really should. If he loses too many good GFs over it, maybe he’ll develop them.

[Eventually, kids are older and even in-house parents never see them. A 14YO or a 16YO who can drive is very different than a 5YO.]

Signed,
Been There Done That (Stepkid is now in college and we both miss him terribly, as do his half-siblings)

I think your concerns are perfectly legitimate, in that you have every right to your feelings, but your BF is also 100% doing the right thing.

It’s perfectly fine to decide kids are a deal-breaker in dating, it doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s certainly better than feeling the feelings you’re feeling now, and putting the other person in a position to have to make tough decisions.

I dated for a while as a single mom (now remarried) so I’ve been on his side and trust me, he would much rather you just say it’s not working for you.

You should not date men with kids I have a friend a lot like you and she felt the same way. I do have kids and I understand completely why the dad would prioritize the kid spending the night. But it irks you and it’s not going to change, so you should date only kidless men.

It’s a tough situation. The marital relationship (if one exists) actually does come first, ahead of the kids, but that’s not true of dating. But any good parent isn’t going to throw their kids under the bus for the new hottie.

No real advice, but I will say that when someone works hard to act well and integrate you into their lives, the occasional slight becomes much, much easier to handle.

But I don’t think she is saying that she was or would be annoyed at the kids coming first. She is saying that she is annoyed and will continue to be at the ex-wife coming first. i read this as “ex-wife didn’t want to pick up kids, as it was too inconvenient for her, so she asked for the kids to stay with dad. dad didn’t say no, therefore prioritizing ex’s last minute whim over plan’s with new GF.” I am surprised no one is saying, hey, have a conversation with BF about boundaries with EX. Or, have a conversation with BF about how you were really looking forward to dinner with him and had been cooking a special meal. This community is so big on open communication in relationships generally, but every single comment here has been–tough, you don’t have kids, you don’t get it, shut things down now.

I’ve avoided commented because I’m just sort of absorbing, but a point of clarification – mom didn’t ask BF to keep the kid for the night. BF offered after she complained about sitting in traffic.

I might be less annoyed if mom had asked BF to do her a solid, assuming it wasn’t an every day sort of thing. When you coparent with someone, some flexibility going both ways is nice to have. I’m aggravated that he just volunteered to give up our plans for no real reason. It’s not like there was some major hardship, or mom asked for a favor, or he was going to have all this quality time with kid (kid plays video games in his room and wants nothing to do with the parents after he’s been fed). It’s like, oh cool, you just volunteered away our only weeknight together without even asking me.

And then when I asked, why did you do that?, he made it seem like I’m some sort of monster who never wants him to see his child – which is totally unfair, because his kid schedule is the whole reason we only have one weeknight together anyway!

“kid plays video games in his room and wants nothing to do with the parents after he’s been fed”

This to me actually makes it way, way more important that he took the kid overnight. If his kid is withdrawing them sheer quantity of time together is absolutely critical because it opens up more time where the kid can withdraw less and have a moment of openess with dad.

Hey, you’re not alone. I also decided not to date men with kids for similar reasons. I would like to be my partner’s first priority and to make my partner my first priority. You just can’t have that if you are a parent or dating one.

OMG, I would feel so bad for that poor kid if neither parent wanted to spend the night with him. (And I think the dad offered to keep the kid because he wanted more time with the kid. But even if it was your situation, trust me, the kid would know that the dad didn’t want him to spend the night. And that messes up a kid.)

The true of being a divorced parent, especially one without primary custody, is that you take the time you can with your kid. I don’t think it is fair to characterize this is him putting his ex first; it’s him putting his kid first.

Agree that you should not date someone with kids. As single parent in the dating world I would have thought poorly of this guy if he had chosen dinner with GF over an extra night with kid. You don’t share values and that’s okay. But better to recognize it now.

I’m pretty surprised at some of the responses here, and I’ll be the voice of dissent. (FWIW, I’m married, never divorced, and have a kid.) I was prepared for a major eyeroll at the start of OP’s post, but I think it’s disrespectful to OP to cancel dinner plans at her place at the last minute. I understand BF being late if his ex was running late (she may not really be able to control that, and you don’t want to pick every battle), but I don’t think he should have volunteered to keep his kid overnight if his ex was capable of picking up the kid before bedtime. If he makes plans with another human, and especially when those plans involve the other human cooking dinner, he should keep those plans whenever possible. It’s good to be an involved parent, but there’s nothing wrong with setting reasonable boundaries with your ex and your kid. Also, I don’t know if he was dismissive of your feelings, or if you just feel like you’re not “allowed” to be upset because his kid is involved, but I think it’s perfectly reasonable to be upset in this situation, even if he was doing the “right” thing, and those feelings should be validated.

I completely agree. I’m not gonna lie, I kind of expected the sanctimommies to come out in full force on this one and they did. OP acknowledged that she understands the kid comes first, and yes seeing your child is important, but the father as described here has an agreed arrangement with the ex to see his kid that he sticks to and they seem to have a decent co-parenting relationship. He’ll see his kid on the weekend or whenever, but not seeing your S.O. for two weeks to watch a kid sleep (reminder he had the kid for dinner and bedtime didn’t interfere with the dinner time). Tbh I think it’s selfish of the father to not put ANY sort of priority on the S.O.

OP I don’t think you have any reason to be ashamed at annoyance that the father blew up your plans last minute because his ex was annoyed at a late pick up. Late pick ups happen ALL THE TIME! If she did this more often he’d even start to get pissed at her blowing up his plans. But I do come to the same conclusion as others – this probably isn’t a good fit. I don’t think it’s that you shouldn’t date guys with kids, he just isn’t ready to date if he can’t keep simple plans. Maybe dating guys with older kids may be in your better interest.

Having kid overnight meant they got to have breakfast together and do bedtime routine/stories together which was probably a really special thing for them given that they don’t get to do it everyday. It basically more than doubled his time when he gets to engage with his kid. That’s a lot more than ‘watching a kid sleep’.

I’m not sure which comments were already there when you wrote this, but ‘I’ll be the voice of dissent’ seems a pretty weird disclaimer given the other responses. Plenty of people have said that she gets to be upset about this and that the conclusion of no longer dating dads is reasonable.
I’m writing this nitpicky comment because the OP also started with ‘I’m sure I’ll get flamed for this but I’m going to vent anyway’. This kind of opener is used rather often lately and , idk, it’s just weirdly defensive? Often the actual post isn’t even that controversial (at least to me), but people are so ready to be a martyr, that I don’t think they are actually interested in any input from internet strangers. It’s like they’re saying ‘well, I will share my opinion with you but I already know you are all opposing that so here goes”. Where is the point??

Completely agree. He should have done better and handled it with his ex. You don’t get to hide behind “more time with Kid you don’t get to be mad!” when it was jerkish to cancel plans. He should have mitigated it for OP, that’s shitty BF behabior.

Confused why you think it’s gaslighting and not that he genuinely wants more time with his kid. If my kids didn’t live with me I would take every single extra night I could get no matter what plans I had to turn down. Kids are young for such a short period I would hate to look back and have missed out on chances to be together.

Yes kids are little for such a short time. But I mean you can’t cancel literally everything in your life at the last second to get a few more moments with your kid and expect people to be cool with it. If your friend was cooking dinner for you would you be like, sorry can’t come over like I was supposed to I want to watch little Johnny sleep tonight. No of course not. At least not if you want to keep that friend.

yeah, you probably shouldn’t have friends with kids who don’t have full custody then. If I only see my kid a couple hours a few times a week, I’m definitely cancelling plans with a friend if I get a chance for a bonus overnight and get the chance to do bedtime and breakfast with my kid. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone that couldn’t understand that a child comes first.

Agreed. Based on what limited information you provided, it sounds like he had his kid for a few hours every day. That’s just no that much time, compared to most parents, and I would happily take additional time with my kid. I don’t know why you think this is him prioritizing his ex, when I think it is him prioritizing his kid.

First, he may have accommodated because sometimes *he* is stuck in traffic, running late, super stressed and needs her to help him out. Good co-parents do that for each other. Second, kids’ schedules can be tough. Maybe he volunteered to do an overnight for the kid’s sake.. like for example, a pick up and transition at 7 pm is ok and everybody gets fed and to bed on time, but a pick and transition at 8 pm. means the kid’s schedule is disrupted, dinner is disrupted and kid’s bed time is too late.

As a single woman in her early 30s, I have currently made the decision not to date men with kids because I don’t want to have to plan my life around someone else’s child. Maybe that makes me selfish but I understand how you feel, and I think it’s totally okay to realize this is not something you’re happy with/want to deal with and can be a line you can draw.

Had to use a vacation day today due to the sheet of ice on my road–I finally gave up after ten minuted of smoking my tires trying to get up the hill. I was so frustrated to have to burn my limited PTO due to weather, but trying to psych myself up to get housework done. Instead, I went down hard on the icy pavement, and am now lying down icing my wrist and neck. If they don’t improve soon, I will need to figure out how to get to urgent care.

I am so sick of ice and sleet that it’s making me angry-cry. I can’t take any more winter.

This is a great time to propose a work from home solution. I know all the hardened winter people will jump on that, but realistically if you can’t get to work because of weather, your employer really ought to consider how you and others can work from home. That is insane to burn a day off because there’s not a recognition of winter reality.

Even as a hardened winter person, I am all about working from home if it is not safe or extremely inconvenient to get to work (ie. it will take so long to get to work that it becomes sort of pointless).

+ 1. I’m from Canada and a firm believer that there no such thing as bad weather, but I’m working from home right now because there is a ton of snow on the roads and it’s dangerous and will take me forever. Thankfully my boss is understanding.

In the meantime, are you new to your area? Do you have a four wheel drive or experience driving on ice? I have heard of remedies like cat litter to get more traction. Have you taken a class on driving in ice? If you have more knowledge and skills you might have more confidence or tricks to get off of your street. Are you on a dead end street at the bottom of a hill?

Good luck, the limited PTO (and by extension the system) is the problem here, not you. Use your ingenuity to mitigate being trapped and stuck, give yourself a good rest and thorough cry, and chin up for another day.

Thanks for your suggestions, but it really is just that bad here. I’m in my mid-40s and have lived in the same town my whole life. And yes, I do live on a dead-end street at the bottom of a hill. I don’t need to call anyone to move the car, I just left it in front of my neighbor’s house and crab-walked up my driveway on hands and knees.

The plow guy was extra careful to avoid my car when he came (plowing didn’t really help; it’s just solid ice so all he did was shave it thinner) so I called the facilities department to compliment his work. That made me feel a little better.

Vent: I’m at a week-long conference. The person who also came from my company walked in this morning with a low-grade fever and complaining about how awful she feels. I told her to go back to sleep; she’s refusing because she’s worried that word will get back to our boss that she skipped a day of the conference. Which I understand in part, BUT she’s clearly sick. And I’m stuck sitting next to her all day.

Another vent: people who persist in asking long questions right before a break / lunch, when we’re already over on time. ARGH.

I totally disagree. I’d like to have the option to hear it, because I often find Q&A muuuch more interesting than the talks. But, I’m also willing to get up and leave, especially if they have run overtime. At the STEM conferences I’ve been to, that’s considered perfectly okay.

If the seats are not assigned, can you sit somewhere else? or even physically pull your one chair further from her? I just can’t sit next to a visibly contagious person. As a child I would have already left in tears by the second comment of how bad she felt. I got better as an adult but the mental ordeal is still not worth it.
Fun fact: I once cut my participation in a national conference short because some people started getting pink eye. I was 18 and it was end august, so I said I have to go for my college orientation

Omg, I hate your second one so much. I get so enraged when we’re way over time, it’s finally time to break or leave for the day, and some idiot thinks it’s the perfect time to ask some long-winded, low-level question or reiterate a point that’s been made already. Seriously STFU.

One of my rules for life is: “There is nothing you can say after the allotted time has expired that will not make everyone hate you.” (Possible exception: “Everybody look under your seats — there are keys to new cars hidden there!”)

Just so you know, I am the designated question-asker for a lot of conferences. When I present I also have a planted question-asker. Every conference wants you to have a q&a at the end of your talk. It’s common practice to get a friend or colleague to ask you a planned question (one that you can answer really well!) so get the q&a started.

Right before the break is the natural time for questions, because that’s the end of the session and most presentations are structured to have q&a at the end.

Sorry if you find it frustrating because you want to leave, but I question why you’re attending if you don’t want to hear the back and forth with people in similar roles to yours.

I guess there truly are different expectations on how to run a session. What if the speaker already went over time in their presentation? Should they still get their full time for Q&A or do you prioritize keeping the next slot on time? Often there are multiple sessions going on, so keeping stuff on time helps people to catch presentations from different parallel sessions.

Oh I see what you are saying. I’m the designated question asked. I don’t ask the question if we’ve gone over time. I interject the question if we are theatenkng to run long to signal the speaker that it’s time to wrap up.

Resume language help needed! I’m applying for a job at a nonprofit where one of the duties is development work. Most of my development/fundraising work has come from volunteering – I have been the event coordinator for my local political club for three years. I have put on six events in the last three years, which in total have raised about $10,000. This is a lot for our club – we’re a small club in a small town, and we don’t nearly spend as much as I have raised for us. So how do I say this in one bullet point on my resume? I want to make the point that to them, $10,000 might not be a lot, but in context, it really is.

I’d focus on percentages (either Y/Y in growth of fundraising) or how much that represents of your organization’s budget. So I’d say my leading fundraising raised our contributions by x%, or that you’ve been able to raise 3 year’s worth of an operating budget, etc. I’d play with that

Percentages to the rescue! You brought in $10K over three years. What were the three years before your tenure like?What’s the percentage increase? “Increased donation revenue by 60% over prior period.” Done. (Might want to explain that you are comparing three-year periods to each other here, rather than regular fiscal years, but that can be done in an interview if somebody asks.)

Alternatively, can you list the number of new donors you brought in in three years, or percentage of existing donors who increased their contributions after talking to you? Both of those might also be meaningful.

Can you phrase it as growth in funds raised by percentage, or funds raised per capita? You could also just put something more generic about fundraising, honestly not sure if highlighting ~3k a year in funds raised will be to you benefit or your detriment in this case.

A few ways to re-frame this for your benefit:
– Percentages. See above (either period over period increase or percentage of budget, etc.)
– Accomplishments, i.e. “raised funds to build and fully fund three new programs” or “raised funds to fund XYZ program for the next three years” (explain what that money is doing in a tangible way)
– Other numbers to quantify outreach/engagement: i.e., maybe the majority of those funds came from 200 new donors or maybe the average donation increased from $12 to $75 or maybe half of your existing donor list ‘upgraded’ to the next donor level, etc.

Are there any development officers on here? If so, I’d love to hear about how you entered the field. I’m interested in switching careers, but it seems even entry-level development jobs require some sort of nonprofit or fundraising experience that I don’t have. My background is entirely in marketing/communications. It seems like some of the skills would be transferable, but maybe I don’t have a great read on that.

I work in communications for a large university and one of my co-workers just transitioned to development. It was all for the same university though, so she has institutional knowledge that was presumably an asset in the hiring process. But I do think a lot of the skills are transferable.

Volunteer! I’m on a fundraising board for a local NPO and I have learned so much. I work closely with the development specialist and she has taught me so much. I do something quite a bit different for my regular work, and it has been really fascinating to learn about fundraising. Sometimes I think I could do it full time if I wanted a career change.

FWIW, asking people for money is HARD. Just like sales, Im not sure that everyone is cut out for it. Volunteering for a bit to see how it goes will give you a sense of whether it is for you or not without the hassle of a big career change.

Skills are definitely transferable. I have been in the field for about 15 years and started out in the annual fund of a university with only volunteer fundraising experience. Having been on tons of hiring committees, I think development shops are often open to candidates with varied backgrounds. Any fundraising experience can be helpful, even if it is in a volunteer role.

More than anything, non-profits want to see an enthusiasm for the mission and organization. It is also always worth reaching out to people in the org and asking them for an informational interview to get a read on what they are looking for in candidates.

I need a gut check about whether I’m being petty or right to be mildly annoyed.
There’s a new restaurant opening in our small city this week. My husband and I love trying new restaurants together, so I told him about it and suggested we go next week (I’m out of town for work this week). He said yes, but is now organizing a group of his guy friends to go to this place tomorrow. To be clear, I would never suggest that he turn down plans with friends just because they happen to involve this restaurant, but it seems weird for him to specifically organize an outing to this place when he knew I’m really looking forward to going. He says I’m being ridiculous because he’ll go again with me and it’s no skin off my nose if he goes first with someone else, but it just feels not very considerate somehow. This is not the first time he’s done something like this. Thoughts?

I mean… you can be both petty and right at the same time!
That would bother me too. And frankly, it would bother my husband if I did that! Even if I thought it was silly of him to be bothered, I know him well enough that I wouldn’t do that to him, since it would bother him.

I’m with you in the distinction- if he had been invited to go with friends and you were out of town, it would be one thing. It wouldn’t be fair to ask him to put his life on hold and miss seeing his friends to wait for you to get back in town. BUT, to actually organize an outing with people to the new restaurant is a different story.

Wait a sec… they’re planning on trying out a new restaurant on VALENTINE’S DAY??? They’ll most likely get their karmic revenge when there’s an inevitable meltdown from the trifecta of doom – opening week, valentine’s day and inexperienced crew.

I’d be annoyed about the restaurant but I’d be SUPER annoyed that he’s acting like I have no reason to be annoyed. Clearly he knows that part of the fun is trying a new place for the first time TOGETHER. Don’t act like this is a foreign concept. That sort of, what nothing to see here why you being weird, manipulation really burns me up. Stop playing dumb. Stop acting like I’m being dumb. We can both see what you’re doing here so be an adult and apologize.

I would be annoyed too, and also this sounds like something my husband might do. He’s the kind of person who watches ahead on all the shows we watch together and genuinely doesn’t understand why it bugs me so much. “But I’ll watch it again with you!”. Ugh. Anyway, commiseration. Also, mine eventually got the point that this sort of thing is important to me, so you definitely have a right to spell out why you are disappointed and he had better make it up to you.

My husband tried out a place on our list while his brother was visiting us, which stung a bit but I was okay with it. Except it’s one of those hours in line waiting type places so we still haven’t been and he loves to bring it up to tease me “oh remember how good it was”, “what do you mean you’ve never tried it”

You can’t help how you feel, but I’d let this one go and don’t be visibly annoyed when he tells you about how it was or when you all eventually go together. My mom has a saying, “Is this the hill you want to die on?” Ultimately shrugging it off is better for your marriage and your own stress level. He’s being kind of an idiot, but oh well. If it makes him happy and keeps him occupied while you’re gone, that’s a good thing.

When a flight is delayed, do you take that into account and show up at the airport later? I’m supposed to be on a 2 pm flight today and just got an email that it’s delayed until 4 pm. I’m traveling with my infant daughter, so I would love to stay at home for longer and just show up on time for the 4 pm flight. But I think (although maybe I’m wrong?) that theoretically they have the right to load the plane and go earlier, if the plane/crew get there. And obviously I don’t want to miss my flight. What time would you show up?

Yeah I almost missed a flight under similar circumstances. I was already at the airport when they said my flight would depart over an hour late. I went to the airport bar and proceeded to make new friends. No other updates the whole time I was in there. I made my way back to the gate at a time that I thought would still be a little early for boarding – and they were about to shut the door. I was the last one on the plane.

I’ve had delayed flights moved earlier. I usually can the airline to understand the nature of the delay before making the decision to arrive later, my general rules… If the inbound air craft is delayed, ok to be late. If it is delayed crew, I might arrive a little late but they can swap out crew and move it up. If it’s it mechanical, then they might make it 30 min – 1 hour earlier (for a long day) but not more than that.

Agreed. I only came later when I can tell it is because the inbound flight is delayed. I’ve had tons of times where they say it is a mechanical problem and will be delayed X, and we end up only delayed 1/2 X.

This is not true (anymore – maybe it used to be when you were a kid). I travel a lot and have had numerous experiences with a flight being delayed and then ultimately moved back up closer to the original departing time.

I wouldn’t risk it and would show up on time for the original, but whenever flights don’t go exactly according to the original plan I get incredibly stressed out, and I haven’t traveled with a baby either. Though presumably extra time to get through security/get ready for plane at your own pace with baby would not be a bad thing?

Re: needing extra time with a baby – not really, I have TSA precheck and my home airport is famous for having super fast TSA. It normally takes me maybe 2 -3 minutes without a baby and maybe 5 minutes with the baby (the only thing that really adds time is collapsing/uncollapsing the stroller and buckling her back into it). I always like to board early, with or without baby, so I can make sure my bag gets a spot in the overhead bin.

I’ve had flight “delays” fluctuate on me before. Is this due to weather or what? Typically when you’re already at the airport is when they may move the time up. But if the notification goes out to you a full day ahead of time, I feel like that’s the earliest they’ll fly now.

So here’s the real answer: go find your actual plane. Your job is to figure out exactly where it is in the sky, right now, and when it is due in at its next destination. Get a flight alert for when the plane leaves the airport from which it flies to yours. Depart from home accordingly.

Yeah, I definitely do this (FlightAware is my favorite app tracker, it has a little link that says “where is my plane right now?” or something like that) but changes of equipment are not uncommon when hours-long delays are involved.

Thanks all – It was in fact a delay due to the inbound aircraft, but I compromised and got to the airport about 20 minutes before the original flight was supposed to depart, instead of my normal 60+ minutes. Security was fast as expected so I would have made the original flight time, but it was obviously cutting things very very close if not for the delay. Plane is even more delayed now, sigh…

Flowers. The men I’ve known have been charmingly delighted to receive flowers at work. I honestly usually make it a living plant to be slightly more masculine, but you don’t have to. My now husband had a bromeliad on his desk for years that I sent him as a flower delivery once.

Assuming not for delivery, something that he wouldn’t buy for himself in the self-care area that he may not get himself. A super warm fleece blanket in a color he likes and hot chocolate/hot toddy mix (maybe individual hot chocolate packs with alcohol minis) in a basket with valentine-like candy?

Over the past few years, I feel like I’ve developed mild OCD tendencies. I find myself checking multiple times that I’ve locked the front door, turned off the stove, put my keys in the right place, etc. Anyone have tips on how to correct this behavior? I know a therapist might help but I’m hoping someone might have advice I could try first. Thanks for any suggestions!

I heard a tip on her to say it out loud once you’ve done it. “OK, stove is off, door is locked, it’s time for bed.” I think it does help because saying it out loud helps your brain hear it and confirm that it’s done, whereas if you just think it, it’s harder to remember whether you really did do the job or not (especially at the end of a long day when your brain is tired or fuzzy).

I have this tendency too (including once going home from work in the middle of the day because I was convinced I left a burner on…I didn’t). What I do is look at everything very carefully before I leave and think to myself, the burners are off, the door is locked, etc. Also try to trust your habits a bit more. Sometimes I get freaked out at work because I can’t remember locking my door, but I never once have left my door unlocked – it’s just instinctual and I forget about the act of doing it.

This isn’t recommended for diagnosed OCD, because it escalates the compulsions. I’m now trying to break the compulsion to take photos, as well as the compulsion to check. Unfortunately, the treatment is just to not check and ride out the anxiety (so much easier said than done!).

I find myself doing this more when my short term memory is failing me. For me that means I need more acetylcholine (high choline foods, vitamin B1, etc.). If it’s really more like OCD, that’s probably different though!

I say it out loud to myself. I also have found that just generally slowing down, focusing on what I’m doing, calming my mind all help. Meditation is a big way to help you get an idea of how to do this.

I tend to re-check when I’m doing stuff in a blur, with my mind racing with my to do list, etc. If I actually slow down and focus on what I’m doing I’m less likely to feel the need to re-check.

Actually, the general advice for OCD is to not indulge the checking behavior and instead learn to live with the uncertainty – obsessive behaviors like checking arean anxiety response and taking pictures, etc. only reinforces that(and in fact adds another checking behaviour to the repetoire). What I’ve seen, and done, is to say, if I didn’t turn off the stove, then my house will burn down and I’ll have to live with it. And then learn to be OK with that over time. It’s not fun but it’s effective.

Habit–develop a routine where you do the things you worry about in a specific order. It’s then easier to know that you definitely locked the door because you have your coat on and you already checked the stove (or whatever the things you worry about are).

Does anyone have any tips for maintaining a modicum of professionalism and “togetherness” while wearing a full-leg brace (the kinds they use for ACL repairs and other knee surgery) and hobbling around on crutches? I’m lucky in that my job allows me to work from home, so I’ve been wearing exclusively in joggers and sweats since my injury, but I now need to attend a few in-person meetings. I know people will understand, but I’d still like to look a bit professional. I cannot bend my leg at all, which makes putting on real pants a challenge. Similarly, I want light, comfortable fabric between my leg and the brace, so denim or other more substantial fabrics won’t work. And obviously heels are out of the question. Has anyone here ever been in this condition and have any inspiration for me? Thanks in advance!

Good questions — I may be able to manage tights and a dress or skirt, or leggings. But tight things on my knee may not work — at first even having a blanket on my knee was incredibly painful. I might be able to swing it now, but I haven’t tried, so I’ve been imagining looser-fitting things. Thanks for the ideas!

I tore my MCL three years ago and had to wear a brace from mid thigh to ankle. I found that skirts + tights was far easier to attempt to look professional than pants. YMMV, but my brace was heavy and would pull down any pants that did not have a drawstring.

After many years as a dedicated exerciser and healthy eater, I’ve fallen off the fitness wagon. I let myself take a break for a few months but I know it’s time to get back on track. Does anyone have suggestions for fitness classes, YouTube videos, instagram accounts, etc. that they love? I think a specific plan or organized challenge would help me get back into it. I’m in DC if anyone has geographic-specific suggestions. TIA!

I really love Orangetheory. I’m the type of person who needs to be in a class, not just go to the gym and do whatever I want (I end up on the elliptical because it has a TV), so I really like the structure of Orangetheory. It’s expensive, but I think it’s really worth it. According to their website, there are a bunch in DC.

Chiming in to also recommend OrangeTheory. I hate weights on my own, but have sadly accepted that I need to do them in order to lose weight. After a long time of just cardio/pilates I swapped to 3x week OrangeTheory sessions. There are weeks I can only make it to 2 sessions, but trying my best to commit to going 3 times a week when I’m home helped me lose 10-12lbs (sloooowly, like since October of 2018) which I consider a huge win as it was also during a time with holidays/family wedding/and copious work travel.

Any recommendations for a “fun/hip” restaurant or bar in NYC for a group of 16 20-something women to celebrate a 25th birthday? We’re having difficulty finding a place that doesn’t require a 3-course set menu for large parties. Due to limited budgets, we’re prefer the option to order off the menu.

nothing but commiseration – from the resto industry, 16 people in NYC is legitimate “group booking” amount of people. I assume you’ve already scoped opentable out
Best bet I’m thinking is a mega-place, (unfortunately not really hip) something akin to a Cheesecake Factory: like The Palm or maybe Capitol Grille? Buca di Beppo or Carmines?

if the restaurant is worried about turning around so many different orders quickly, I’ve had luck with agreeing on a reduced menu (3 starters, entrees and desserts each or whatever). So the people can still choose but the kitchen can handle stuff a bit better.

What is everyone’s advice for being “stuck” with covering other co-worker’s duties that are unrelated to your own? I’m not talking about slight job differences, I’m talking completely different skill sets. I work at a relatively small (less than 50 employees) branch of a larger nationwide organization in a very analytical type of role that requires a lot of attention to detail and concentration. Obviously, there will always be some level of distractions, however I have been having an issue and I’m not sure what to do. Since our branch is relatively small, and because I’m essentially my own department, the hiring manager I reported to basically lumped myself along with the other people on her team into one “group”. This has resulted in me being occasionally stuck with covering our retail store and receptionist. This can be anything from a few minutes to an entire day or multiple days depending on why they need coverage and whether or not my other coworkers on our team that are normally ahead of me in line to cover are available or not. I hate to whine and have the utmost respect for all positions and know every job is difficult, however I feel that these job duties fall so far outside of my normal job that it’s kind of a weird situation. My immediate manager that hired me has since left our organization, and we now report directly to the person that was above her. I’m not sure whether to suck this up or say something, does anyone have any advice? Thank you in advance.

So, for comparison’s sake, you’re an accountant being asked to be receptionist for the day? I’d definitely push back on this – your work is far too outside the scope and far too advanced for that type of work. And you’re likely getting way behind on your regular work. Is there anyone else with receptionist or retail adjacent work better suited? Or better yet, hire a temp – you don’t need special skills to greet people and point to products. This is ridiculous, I’m angry for you.

I’m in an analyst role (which is salaried, not that it makes me any more special than others, just that it’s categorized as a “professional” job where I work). I’ve found it very bizarre that it’s lumped with other jobs here only when it comes to covering the front desk and the store. I appreciate you validating for me that it isn’t just something silly I’m upset about. I’m unsure about how to bring it up without seeming like I’m not a team player. I don’t mind helping people, but it’s so far outside of the scope of my normal job that honestly I’m just not really comfortable working in those areas. Like I said, I have an immense amount of respect for those in retail and receptionist positions, however, if I wanted to build my career in one of those fields I would have applied for those jobs. My former manager was a bit all over the place, so she wasn’t very strategic or organized and I think just “threw” us into the mix of being told we had to cover just to make sure she had coverage for those areas. It’s very frustrating to me though, and I’m unsure about whether or not to bring it up with my now manager (who is at the executive level).

Do you all ever apply for jobs that on paper you should want but really don’t? In the government now and really want out but having no luck; but I’m fairly sure I only want to leave for a firm. Saw an in house job that on paper looks great and I feel like I SHOULD apply, but the reality is if it were to work out (I’m not holding my breath, last job search was 200+ applications with 0 in house offers), it would put me even further from the firm goal. By then I’m like, if you really dislike what you do, shouldn’t you try all avenues to get out? How do you handle?

Yup. I did. I wanted policy and took a corporate job. But I was desperate and had no choice. And I realized the first day I had made a terrible mistake. The people were lovely, but the work was so.not.for.me. Took me 15 months to get out. I made great friends, but I will never (and I do emphatically mean never – I’ll clean houses before I go back to that type of environment) work in that type of place again. (I’m a bubbly extrovert; the job was solitary spreadsheet work with no access to natural light. Like a form of social torture for me.)

Is it weird to go out to lunch at a sit down place by yourself at a place where you could see work people? Kind of feel like it, don’t feel like gathering a group. I know my immediate coworkers wouldn’t be there but I feel like it’s rife with the possibility of running into people I know from other departments etc.

I do this all the time. I don’t like to eat at my desk. I’m the boss/co-boss so sometimes I feel like asking my coworkers to lunch is either 1) an obligation to them, or 2) an offer to pay for everyone’s lunch, which I’m happy to do occasionally but not every day. So I go alone. I usually read something on my phone or bring along paperwork I need to read through.

I often see people from work at other tables. I smile and do a little wave if I see them, but I don’t make any move to join them or invite them to join me. It’s not awkward since it’s a regular thing by now.

Can someone explain how a HSA works? I just started on new high deductible plan with new employer – Health plan covers medical, vision, dental and prescription. I am going to dentist tomorrow morning for a teeth cleaning. That is covered by the plan so there should be no out of pocket expense. What if there was? Do I pay for it out of my pocket and then submit a claim for reimbursement from the HSA? Thanks in advance for any advice on using the HSA…

You can either use an HSA card or pay and get reimbursed. Technically, it is best to pay and get reimbursed several years later, because then you get the tax-free interest on the HSA account. That’s a headache of paperwork though.

Generally you’ll get a credit card for the HSA, and you can pay directly with that. Otherwise you can submit for reimbursement and you’ll receive a check.

Alternatively, you can use your HSA as a retirement fund – the cash you put in is pre-tax and any growth or dividends earned in the HSA is also tax-free (even better tax properties than other retirement funds). Most HSA plans have investment options.

The growth is only tax-free if you use the proceeds on qualified medical expenses. If you use HSA money on non-qualified expenses, it gets taxed at the ordinary income rate. So it’s useful to stash money for medical needs in retirement, but doesn’t work as a more general retirement fund.

Does the HSA account have money it? Did they send you a debit card? Assuming there are funds in my HSA account to cover whatever payment I need to make, I use my HSA debit card to pay for them. That way I don’t have to go through the step of reimbursing myself.

When you go to the drug store and buy something even slightly health related run your HSA card before your credit card. (Pro-tip from my coworker, who discovered by this method that heater pads for your shoulder are allowable.)

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