Dating Maze #350: Digital Pursuit

Has online dating changed the rules?

My experience in the dating world is that the guy takes the lead. But nowadays with people meeting on the Internet, Facebook, etc, it is more acceptable that a woman pursue the man? What is the correct approach in today’s digital world?

Alyssa

Dear Alyssa,

Your question is something that many people are grappling with. Traditionally, most men have preferred to be the pursuer in dating situations, and feel uncomfortable when a woman tries to play that role. Technology has leveled the playing field somewhat, because social networking and Internet dating sites have changed people's expectations about who "should" make the first move. Dating sites are set up so that the first person to become interested in an online profile initiates contact, and both genders make friending requests on Facebook, without giving it a second thought.

Don’t appear as if you're sitting by the computer, waiting with baited breath.

There also seems to be more gender equality when it comes to keeping an online exchange going. If someone contacts you on a dating site because they like your profile, you'll answer them and hope that this will begin an exchange of emails. Either gender can make the mistake of appearing as if they're sitting by the computer, waiting with baited breath for the next communication to zip through cyberspace, if they immediately reply to the latest message they receive. This over-eagerness is off-putting, no matter if it comes from a man or a woman.

Both sides also have to figure out just how detailed their email exchange should be. It can be challenging to figure out just how many personal details to share. What's enough to enable each of you to decide if you'd like to have a face-to-face meeting? You can start by elaborating on some of the items you mentioned in your profile and describe more about the direction you see your life taking. If you want to give the other person a better idea of your worldview, offer an anecdote about something funny or interesting that recently occurred, share your observations about an event reported in the news, or relate a book your read or movie you saw to something in your life.

Telling too much about your personal life at this stage of communication can scare the other person off, because it makes them feel uncomfortable and wonder if you have issues with boundaries. In addition, it's important to remember that since you're still strangers, you're not yet ready to reveal personal details such as your full name, home address, where you work, phone number, or private email address.

Even when the emails between you seem to flow well, it's important for both sides to remember that the purpose of Internet dating is to get two people to actually meet. We think that either a man or a woman can decide when they've learned enough about the other person to ask to meet, and this doesn't breach any unwritten rules of cyber-etiquette. If your request to meet has been turned down and your e-friend still wants to continue the correspondence, you’ll need to figure out his reason for not wanting to meet. The two of you can work something out if it's only an issue of scheduling or logistics. However, if he doesn't want to make concrete plans for a real date, you could be communicating with someone who doesn't want a real-time relationship (or may be an imposter). You can't push him to change his mind, but you can tell him that you've enjoyed your correspondence and now are ending it because you're looking for a face-to-face relationship.

What happens if the other person slows down the flow of emails? If the flow changes, either before or after you've met, wait a few days and then ask what's going on in a non-confrontational way. Your e-friend may be losing interest, or he may be overwhelmed by something in his personal life. Since he may not tell you the truth, look carefully at what happens with the quality and quantity of your exchanges. If they are diminishing, don't make the mistake of chasing him by sending him more frequent emails, touching base more often during your day, or pressuring him to tell you "what's going on." These cautions apply to both genders. It's futile to try trying to get an Internet "relationship" going when the other person has lost interest.

Get more info than what's on his Facebook page.

Facebook can be a great tool for networking, but it can also be misused. Let's say you become Facebook friends through a mutual connection, and you decide that this new person might be someone you'd like to date. We suggest that you don't show your interest on Facebook itself. Instead, look at the friends you have in common and ask one of them, who's got common sense and discretion, a little more about the man who interests you. There's a lot more to him than what's on his Facebook page. See if you're both looking for similar things in life and if he has the character traits you're looking for. Then, you can ask this friend if she's willing to approach him to talk about you and see if he'd be interested in meeting.

If this isn't something you've ever thought of doing before, consider it similar to what you'd do if you met someone at a friend's party and thought he might be a good person for you to date. Wouldn't you also ask a trusted friend a little more about him? If it sounded good, you’d ask that friend to tell him about you and suggest that the two of you go out.

The method of using a third party to help arrange a date is good for both men and women, and it keeps a woman from looking like a pursuer. And this way, if you both decide to go out, it will be because you're in the ballpark for each other, not just because you like each other's picture.

You can create problems for yourself with Facebook if you start to post a number of messages on the wall of someone you barely know, and begin to look like a Facebook stalker. You can also misuse Facebook by making it the sole criteria to decide if someone appeals to you. How many times have you checked out someone who's been suggested for you to date by looking at their Facebook page and deciding they're not for you? He may be a great guy for you, but his page may not contain the information your find appealing. You'd be better off talking to some mutual friends to find out more about him, and not judge him on his photos and status updates.

About the Author

Questions for Rosie & Sherry can be sent to datingmaze@aish.com. Due to the large volume of questions received, they are unable to answer each one.

Rosie Einhorn (a psychotherapist) and Sherry Zimmerman (a psychotherapist and former family lawyer) are the authors of the newly-released book, Dating Smart – Navigating the Path to Marriage, published by Menucha Publishers. They are the founders of Sasson V'Simcha (www.jewishdatingandmarriage.com), a non- profit organization that provides programs and services in North America, Israel, and Europe to help Jewish singles and the people who care about them.

The opinions expressed in the comment section are the personal views of the commenters. Comments are moderated, so please keep it civil.

Visitor Comments: 5

(5)
ls,
March 17, 2012 8:17 PM

Wow! I am in awe at your sensitivity at broaching these extremely necessary points! Keep up the amazing work! Best regards! Mrs L S

(4)
Anonymous,
February 8, 2012 10:36 PM

Effect Outside of Cyber World

I have also noticed this effect be transfered to real world interactions as well. If you meet a man at a frum social event they are rarely willing to make the first move. What is a girl to do? How can a women appropriately show her interest or pursue a man when he appears unwilling to take the first step?
Help greatly appreciated!

(3)
facebook,
January 18, 2012 3:09 AM

judging by the profile

Definitely judge a person by their profile! Out of the people I know well who have facebook, no one's profile tells you something incorrect about them. Even if it's just that they are technologically inept, or that they have no discretion about what they post. Those are good things to know!

(2)
Anonymous,
January 15, 2012 7:46 PM

INMHO the rules haven't changed all that much

I know people say they have but I never found any luck when I pursued men. If they're interested, the pursue you. If you pursue them they're flattered but they're not interested and you've just given them the whip hand to make you miserable. Only exception I can think of...is if you're on a "saw you at Sinai type Website" where it can be done through shadchanim who (hopefully) will be tactful enough not to say "so and so is interested in you but rather "I think so and so would be a good match for you". (No offense to shadchanim intended by that last)

(1)
Anonymous,
January 15, 2012 10:32 AM

human nature has not changed

Rosie and Sherry are right on. The only good thing about the computer is that it is an additional way to make the initial contact. After that, the best way of dating and relating is the traditional way. Human nature has not changed. Woman drops hanky. Man pursues. Relating is face to face.

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This year during Chanukah I will be on a wilderness survival trip, and it will be very difficult to properly celebrate the holiday. I certainty won't be able to bring along a Menorah.

So if I am going to celebrate only one day of Chanukah, which is the most significant?

The Aish Rabbi Replies:

If a person can only celebrate one day of Chanukah, he should celebrate the first day.

This is similar to a case where a person is in prison, and the authorities agree to permit him to go to synagogue one day. The law is that he should go at the first opportunity, and not wait for a more important day like the High Holidays.

The reason is because one should not allow the opportunity of a mitzvah to pass. Moreover, it is quite conceivable that circumstances will later change and allow for additional observance. Therefore, we do not let the first chance pass. (Sources: Code of Jewish Law OC 90, Mishnah Berurah 28.)

As an important aside, Chanukah candles must be lit in (or at the entrance to) a home rather than out of doors. Thus, you should not light in actual "wilderness," but only after you've pitched your tent for the night.

There may be another reason why the first night is the one to focus on. Chanukah is celebrated for eight days to commemorate the one-day supply of oil that miraculously burned for eight days. But if you think about it, since there was enough oil to burn naturally for one night, nothing miraculous happened on that first night! So why shouldn't Chanukah be just seven days?!

There are many wonderful answers given to this question, highlighting the special aspect of the first day. Here are a few:

1) True, the miracle of the oil did not begin until the second day, and lasted for only seven days. But the Sages designated the first day of Chanukah in commemoration of the miraculous military victory.

2) Having returned to the Temple and found it in shambles, the Jews had no logical reason to think they would find any pure oil. The fact that the Maccabees didn't give up hope, and then actually found any pure oil at all, is in itself a miracle.

3) The Sages chose Chanukah, a festival that revolves around oil's ability to burn, as the time to teach the fundamental truth that even so-called "natural" events take place only because God wants them to.

The Talmudic Sage Rabbi Chanina Ben Dosa expressed this truth in explaining a miracle that occurred in his own home. Once, his daughter realized that she had lit the Shabbos candles with vinegar instead of oil. Rabbi Chanina calmed her, saying, "Why are you concerned! The One Who commanded oil to burn, can also command vinegar to burn!" The Talmud goes on to say that those Shabbos lights burned bright for many hours (Taanit 25a).

To drive this truth home, the Sages decreed that Chanukah be observed for eight days: The last seven to commemorate the miracle of the Menorah, and the first to remind us that even the “normal” burning of oil is only in obedience to God's wish.

In closing, I'm not sure what's stopping you from celebrating more than one day? At a minimum, you can light one candle sometime during the evening, and that fulfills the mitzvah of Chanukah - no “official Menorah” necessary. With so much joy to be had, why limit yourself to one night only?!

In 165 BCE, the Maccabees defeated the Greek army and rededicated the Holy Temple in Jerusalem. Finding only one jar of pure oil, they lit the Menorah, which miraculously burned for eight days. Also on this day -- 1,100 years earlier -- Moses and the Jewish people completed construction of the Tabernacle, the portable sanctuary that accompanied them during 40 years of wandering in the desert. The Tabernacle was not dedicated, however, for another three months; tradition says that the day of Kislev 25 was then "compensated" centuries later -- when the miracle of Chanukah occurred and the Temple was rededicated. Today, Jews around the world light a Chanukah menorah, to commemorate the miracle of the oil, and its message that continues to illuminate our lives today.

A person who utilizes suffering to arouse himself in spiritual matters will find consolation. He will recognize that even though the suffering was difficult for him, it nevertheless helped him for eternity.

When you see yourself growing spiritually through your suffering, you will even be able to feel joy because of that suffering.

They established these eight days of Chanukah to give thanks and praise to Your great Name(Siddur).

Jewish history is replete with miracles that transcend the miracle of the Menorah. Why is the latter so prominently celebrated while the others are relegated to relative obscurity?

Perhaps the reason is that most other miracles were Divinely initiated; i.e. God intervened to suspend the laws of nature in order to save His people from calamity.

The miracle of the Menorah was something different. Having defeated the Seleucid Greek invaders, the triumphant Jews entered the Sanctuary. There they found that they could light the Menorah for only one day, due to a lack of undefiled oil. Further, they had no chance of replenishing the supply for eight days. They did light the Menorah anyway, reasoning that it was best to do what was within their ability to do and to postpone worrying about the next day until such worry was appropriate. This decision elicited a Divine response and the Menorah stayed lit for that day and for seven more.

This miracle was thus initiated by the Jews themselves, and the incident was set down as a teaching for all future generations: concentrate your efforts on what you can do, and do it! Leave the rest to God.

While even our best and most sincere efforts do not necessarily bring about miracles, the teaching is nevertheless valid. Even the likelihood of failure in the future should not discourage us from any constructive action that we can take now.

Today I shall...

focus my attention on what it is that I can do now, and do it to the best of my ability.

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Rabbi Twerski's new book Twerski on Machzor makes Rosh Hashanah prayers more meaningful. Click here to order...