Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Monologue - Blind.

Blind.

Midnight. A dark room, lit with candlelight, looking into a blank mirror questioning where she went wrong.

What to do when the man you love doesn’t feel the same way? What to do when everything in the world feels like it’s collapsing around you, like the earth is crumbling beneath your feet, like there never ceased to be a ground. (Sighs) This is the way I felt, everyday of the past 7 miserable years.

I married a man, a beautiful man, with eyes as blue as the summers skies.

Everything about him is amazing, I can’t get enough of his enchanting ways, how he sways his shoulder length hair, how he glances over to me even though he’s with his friends. That’s a real man. (Smiles) MY man. I crave his touch... (A single tear from left eye) Every time I see him, I hear whispers from angels; (fastened pace) they jump into my heart and start to sing. I have never felt like this before, nothing can take him from me, he will always be so beautiful to me.

He would say things, certain things, in certain ways that would make me fall to his knee’s, he could control me, the lust was unbearable, I had to obey him…( looks to the floor) that’s what got me into this mess. I can’t get him out of my head, all the blood in my body begins to boil at the thought of him anywhere else but in my arms.

An hour later. In the same room, intensely glancing at her imperfections.

I look at myself. What could he see in me? Everything about me… (Angry) it’s horrid; everything about me is against society. Ginger hair. Freckles. Unbelievably Short. Whats wrong with me, why can’t I be normal like everyone else? Beach blonde, big boobs and killer legs, (sighs) that’s what I need. That’s what he dreams of, isn’t that what all boys dream of? But (pause) He loves me greatly you know, he tells me all the time. I never have doubted it. Except the one time he called me another women’s name, but it’s a simple mistake to make… right? Right. Of course it is, My Nan used to do it all the time, getting me and my sisters mixed up. Yes. Simple mistake. A woman left a message on the answer phone, about 4 years ago. ‘I love you darling, thank you for the other night’… wrong number? It’s definitely a wrong number he told me, with an innocent and meaningful sigh, why wouldn’t I trust him, he is always right… yes always right. Whatever happens I love him, I love him with all my heart and all my soul. Nothing could ever go wrong between us, we are to in love. We are in love. We are. Are we? Maybe it’s my flaws that make me so conscious of his feelings, (pauses) or maybe it’s his loss of innocence, but you can’t help who you fall for can you. No, you can’t help who. But what if he is cheating, what if I’m not the only women in his life (tone and volume of voice increases) that makes me feels so angry, alone, abandoned, betrayed. He makes me so angry, I just want to pull out his heart and keep it in a jar, so no-one else can have him, no-one. But in my head I know that this can not be true, as I saw, oh yes I saw, but my heart tells me no, (sniffs) so what do I follow? My head or my heart?

I can see her eyes, as I walk into the bedroom; I gaze upon the wreck of clothes diffused over the floor. I back away. I back away. I back away.

He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, he wouldn’t I know he wouldn’t, so why do I see what I see. It might not be him, a simple mistake to make. Maybe I have entered the neighbour’s house, and they are up to no good. No, my pictures are on the wall.

The room started to spin, I wanted to scream, how he could have done something like this to me…? Motionless I stand there, staring. Every corner of my heart, splitting into two. Haven’t they noticed a distant figure looming from the shadows onto their quest of dishonesty and betrayal? Do I raise my voice; do I say nothing at all? All my emotions inside of me are screaming to come out, but yet I can say nothing at all (sniffs) just when I thought nothing could go wrong, when I was on top of the world, it all came crashing down. They are still at it, and im still stood here, in the depths of despair, controlling all my urges to scream and shout. What is he doing? I can’t bear it any longer, I back away, I back away, I back away.

A distant memory now… (Pauses) I can hardly remember being there, it was all so surreal. It could have even been a dream, I don’t know. I remember the feelings though, I could never forget how I felt, even if it was a dream, the pain still felt unbearably real. I’m sat here; I have been for the past 2 hours, just brushing my hair, staring into the mirror at the sorrow and fading a woman that looks back at me. All I see is a dark and dampened life, how could love make you feel like nothing will ever get better, that I will be this miserable for the rest of my life. (Tear spills from eyes again) well, I just get on with it. Don’t we all? Day after day I watch him, getting ready, like nothing has ever happened, like he was 100 percent faithful, yet I know, behind those sea blue eyes,(sigh) there is a liar and a cheat, but what can I do, my heart control’s me and there is nothing that I can do to change the way I feel about him.
So this is the way that I will stay, all my life, knowing, knowing what he’s like, but im to in love to care.