Sunday, June 1, 2008

Regrets

Sigh. I am feeling pretty crappy today, and not just because of the hangover. Last night Matt and I went out, and spent way too much money on things like cover, cab fare, liquor, and bad (but so goood) chinese food which I like to refer to as "China Balls". I feel like a complete A-hole because money is tight right now and we made a very unwise, irresponsible choice by going out. We did have a fun time, but the next day guilt is totally not worth it. I am somebodies mommy, I shouldn't be pulling crap like this anymore. On the other hand, I've only just turned 22 and I don't feel like my life should be over, either. I'm not sure how to find the proper balance. I hate feeling like I should be punishing myself for having a good time, but I need to have fun sometimes too.

I'm missing Courtney really badly today. So bad that I cry when I think about her. Before I left, I didn't really allow myself to think about how bad being so far apart was going to be. The worst part is, she has nobody where she is and I feel awful for her because she's having a bit of a rough time. I just want to hug her and hang out and have mommy times together. I saw two mommies in the park yesterday walking and laughing and I just wished it was Courtney and I so badly. At least I will get to see her in July...

Yes, that's right, July. I was trying to refrain from announcing this on facebook or this blog because family members read here and I wanted to keep it a secret so I could surprise them.. but I can't keep it in... I'm coming home in July for a week. The reason we are coming home is a shitty one - a very close family friend is sick and we don't think she will live until my wedding in September when we would get to see her. I couldn't live with myself if she never got to meet my baby and if I moved away and then never got to see her again. However, it will be amazing to go home and see family and friends and introduce them to baby Jude. I am not going to tell my Grandfather at all though, I'm just going to show up with Jude and surprise the heck out of him. He's going to LOVE it.