We’ve grown accustomed to certain reality TV tropes: the people who “aren’t here to make friends,” the lonely folks who legitimately appear to be on the show to make friends, and the dullards who say stupid things or are generally so boring that the audience repeatedly yells, “Shut up, ______!” Unfortunately, in episode two of Four Weddings Canada, the brides aimed to be successful villains and super-friends, but we soon realized that not one of them was really up for the challenge. See our Brides Behaving Badly report cards (complete with Bitch-o-Meter) and find out who was named Head Bitch in Ceremony (H.B.I.C.) after the jump.

“Princess” Sabrina
Twenty-six-year-old Sabrina evidently likes to eat—we know this because she won’t shut up about the importance of food at weddings (she regularly reminds the three other brides how much food she’ll be serving at her reception; modesty is not one of her strong suits). She’s also Italian and likes to talk about her heritage, so in her intro she’s staged preparing homemade lasagna (molto bene!). She complains about the prospect of only three courses at Renee’s wedding and is just generally obnoxious, saying things like, “No food, no nothing, I can’t celebrate right now,” and “Shannon’s lack of preparation gives me a heart attack.” Oh, and she’s a self-proclaimed princess, which meant adorning her reception’s head table with diapers tiered ruffles.

ReneeThirty-six-year-old Renee is pegged as “the opinionated one” from the beginning of the show. She presents herself as the arbiter of taste, even though her wedding is as tacky as a tiki bar at an island-themed party (think fuchsia everywhere and lots of “bling,” like mirrored glass). On a wedding dress, she remarks: “Her veil is a different colour than the dress. That’s wrong.” On a venue: “I feel like I’m in a school gymnasium. I didn’t relate to it.” (What does this even mean? Nothing.) Because Renee allegedly planned her entire wedding herself, she believes she’s the most inventive, and the most deserving of the honeymoon prize—despite the fact that when people are inventive (for example, Shannon had vodka snow cones and cotton candy at her cocktail hour), she thinks they made bad decisions. She even complains about a single bee outside at Jen’s wedding, claiming it’s the reason she hates outdoor weddings. Renee is a woman who clearly can’t be satisfied. Good luck, husband.
JenTwenty-nine-year-old Jen reminds us of a girl who’s looking to make friends. Her Gilmore Girls–style town hall wedding, excluding the prepared desserts at her reception and black mini bridesmaid dresses, is our favourite. In her critiques, she makes the kind of bad jokes you’re likely to hear on the Comedy Network at 3 a.m. (“It wasn’t a cocktail hour. It was more like a cocktail 20 minutes”). We chuckle when she comments on the green bean shortage at Renee’s wedding, complaining that she received only two while Shannon and Sabrina got three each (also funny: the meticulous counting of potatoes and green beans during dinner at Renee’s reception: one, two, three potatoes). Jen gets really excited about seeing the underbelly of an airplane at Renee’s wedding, and says that even though she’s only met Renee once, she really feels like she got to know who Renee really is. Someone give this girl a friend.
ShannonWhen Princess Sabrina complains about Renee’s significant lack of food (and she does, a lot), it’s obnoxious, and when Shannon chimes in at the last moment—“We’re generally not bun eaters”—it’s comedy gold. These girls are more like social bun eaters. Final bun tally: Shannon 2, Renee 3, Jen 2. Apart from this one out-of-character moment, though, Shannon is perky and generally doesn’t contribute much. She complains (a lot) about not hearing the wedding services, as if that’s the reason people actually attend the ceremony. And that’s it. Of course, she does have vodka snow cones, which we think is pretty awesome.
For saying things like “I don’t get country” and “The whole mood was lost”; for claiming she deserved to win, then saying everyone deserves to win; for her general indecisiveness; and for her desire to be the show’s biggest bitch, we honour Renee with the title of Head Bitch in Ceremony.