Fake News About Shelter Dogs

Thursday, May 4, 2017
- by Dave Jaffe

Cautious to avoid red tape and complicated forms, prospective pet owners often steer clear of adopting shelter dogs. However, the process is no more difficult than purchasing a pair of last season’s jeans that, without your intervention, would have been euthanized.

Budleigh is our first shelter dog. Previously, our dogs were factory produced schnauzer/poodle mixes and, in one case, a complicated terrier thing that embarrassed the breeder. Budleigh is a composite of several kinds of terriers with maybe a border collie thrown in to run the controls. Three of his paws are white, as are patches of fur on his forehead, chest, and muzzle, and a ruffle around three-quarters of his neck.

The rest of his coat is a deep black so rich as to render him invisible to the most sophisticated night surveillance equipment. The Department of Defense has implored him to reveal this technology, but, you know, what’s in it for him?

“He’s a really social little guy. Smart, too,” said the shelter lady who introduced us.

“Where is he?” I asked.

“Sitting in front of you. Here, you’ll need these special glasses.”

“Nope! Still nothing.”

“Look off to the side. In your peripheral vision.”

“No…no. Wait! I see a hazy, pulsing darkness. With three white paws.”

“That’s him!”

A drawback of shelter dogs: You never know how big they’ll grow. Some, of course, go the other way.

Animal behaviorists warn that a shelter dog wielding a cloaking device can pose special challenges for its adoptive family. Also challenges for half a loaf of cornbread left on the table in a dark kitchen. But who could blame Budleigh? The streets taught him that talk is cheap, life is tough, and you don’t get much cornbread.

Budleigh’s adjustment to our family and we to him has been seamless, aside from the common misunderstandings about the value of shoes and the correct interpretation of, “Get off the bed!”

Yet, because of misconceptions about shelter dogs, many perfectly acceptable canines are often overlooked, even though they can be a wonderful addition to any family that’s not too attached to cornbread.

Often unfairly labeled as “bad dogs”, few shelter animals have ever been convicted of a crime, with the exception of retrievers. And usually those are just tennis ball-related misdemeanors. However, the stigma remains. Much of the public believe shelter dogs were seized in police raids, or ran in wild packs, or sought vigilante justice against the mobster who murdered their family.

Sorry! That last one was Batman.

Dogs that end up in shelters generally were given up by owners who could no longer house them, were not prepared for a large or energetic animal, or were just, you know, assholes.

Most dogs, then, are blameless, boasting spotless records and valid green cards, pending approval by the Department of Homeland Security.

Sadly, a few breeds are aggressive by nature and thus better suited to owners with advanced martial arts training. These include:

Norwegian Klepto

Bribe Hound

Shorthaired Supremacist

Irish Gunrunner

Standard (or Miniature) Heist

Portuguese Waterboard

A bear

Myth #2: Shelter dogs are sickly and need lots of shots, and veterinary care, and grooming, and training, and a cage, and probably food.

Do you really want a dog? Maybe you’re better off with a Roomba®.

When it comes to a dog’s health, shelters routinely ensure that their animals are free of fleas, tick and worms. As part of the adoption process, veterinarians often provide free spaying and neutering, and first-visit checkups. Also included can be vaccinations for rabies, kennel cough, heartworm, and DHPP, an acronym for “North Atlantic Treaty Organization”. A quick call to your local vet will reveal the best health plan to follow, and why it’s vastly superior to anything being considered by the majority Republican House.

Myth #3: With shelter dogs, you don’t know what you’re getting. Many are radioactive mutants, like in “X-Men”.

True. And cool!

Myth #4: Other dogs will bully my shelter dog because he wears glasses and reads a lot.

Actually, canines at the dog park that can boast of a shelter background possess a certain caché, a swagger, a je ne sais quoi (French for “What’s that in English?”) that other dogs respect.

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “You know, I retrieved some very interesting things this week.”

PUG: “You’ve got to shut up! Just shut UP!”

LABRADOR RETRIEVER: “Shhhh! I want to hear this.”

BERNESE MOUNTAIN DOG: “Say, I once retrieved a—ˮ

STANDARD POODLE: “ʻ— a mountain!’ Yeah, yeah, we’ve aaall heard it.”

BERNESE MOUNTAIN DOG: (Quietly) “I was gonna say ‘ball’”

PUG: “Hey, you think the new guy’s ever retrieved?”

STANDARD POODLE: “Don’t know much about him. Keeps to himself. Once, I tried to pee on him. You know, kind of a ‘How you doin’?’ pee? But he just glared, kinda crazy-like. Brrrr!”

PUG: “Hey, new guy! C’mere!”

GOLDEN RETRIEVER: “Can I go get him?”

SHELTER TERRIER: “What’d’ya want?”

PUG: “You ever retrieve anything?”

SHELTER TERRIER: “Nah! Never had nothin’ to retrieve. In…the Shelter.”

I can certainly see why you and Budleigh won first place for humor in the #NSNC17 writing contest. So hilarious, Dave. Loved meeting you and Denise at the conference in Manchester.

We had one shelter dog, Deion, who had been in 3 homes before we adopted him when he was a year old. He was quiet and humble in the shelter cage and didn’t raise a bark for 3 days after we brought him home. Once he found his voice he was quick to use it and though he had quite a few ‘issues’ he turned out to be a great dog, living to age 17. Looking forward to reading more of what you and Budleigh have to share.