Saturday, November 26, 2011

Was It An Accident?

Today I was talking to a friend whose son also committed suicide by shooting himself with a gun. Unlike Leif, this young man had grown up with real guns and liked to go shooting with his dad. He told me that he was glad his son hadn't used a gun he had given to him. I understand how he feels.

He asked me, "Do you ever think it could have been an accident?"

The answer is no . . . and yet, there is always the tiniest hint of a question.

When we first told Leif's brother about his death, he could not accept it as a suicide. He thought it had to be a murder. When we and the law enforcement officials believed there was no chance of that, he wanted to know if it was an accident. I remember asking him whether he would feel better if he lost his brother to a stupid and preventable accident because he was mishandling or playing with a gun under the influence of alcohol, or to a the deliberate and chosen act of suicide. How can one answer that?

We tend to want people to be logical, to follow a pattern we can discern and figure out, but life is seldom neat a tidy in that way. Human beings aren't always, or even mostly, logical. There are many contradictions at the end of Leif's life. He had been depressed for a long time. He hadn't been successful i finding a job he liked better. He was suffering from pain caused by the motorcycle accident, broken collarbone and surgery. He had been dealt a financial blow when his GI Bill was discontinued due to a misunderstanding, and he couldn't keep up with his bills. His asthma was worse.

And yet, just three weeks before his death he had a wonderful date with a woman he had been corresponding and texting with, and with whom he'd had many long phone conversations. He was falling in love again. He was hoping to see her on his day off, the day before he died. He was talking to me about taking it slow and getting the relationship right.

A few days before he died, he paid his rent. The day before, he filled his car with gas, bought a new pair of shoes, a new computer game and a new gun he had ordered and been waiting for, the gun he used to kill himself. The night he died, he went out with friends, brought them back to his apartment, drank, and got out and displayed all of his weapons. He was participating in an online discussion about the most perfect watch and a German band whose music he wanted to get. He did not sound like a man planning to kill himself that night. He did not act like it.

But how does such a man sound? How does he act? Do we know? Does he hide it? Even from himself? The night my father died, he acted normal, yet he had planned it.

Was Leif planning it? Was it a sudden decision? Or could it have been a horrible accident? Not according to the coroner. Even under the influence of alcohol, it's hard to imagine that Leif would have pressed a gun barrel to his head (pointed it at it, yes; he'd done that before in jest, foolish as it was) and pulled a heavy trigger hard enough to shoot it. Not only would it have been difficult to accidentally shoot that gun, Leif was so well trained in weaponry that it's hard to imagine him doing that without intent.

But you see, today was another one of those days when the questions don't go away, not for me, not for my friend who lost his son two years before we lost ours.

Today I could discuss it quite calmly with him. Today was so different than the days leading up to Thanksgiving when I felt so sad that Leif would not be with us. I couldn't have done it then. The anticipation of holidays is always hard, for me, harder than the holiday itself.

I wish he'd been here to have some of his beloved pie.

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The photo above was taken at the City of Refuge on the Big Island of Hawaii, probably in 1985 when Leif was ten years old.

Leif's Short Obituary

How little an obituary really says, summing up a life of hope, dreams, sadness, accomplishments, disappointments, love, work, family, friends, creativeness, defeat, with a formula of birth, family, work, death. Some papers will allow longer, but still inadequate, obituaries, for a price. Here is Leif's "standard" obituary, but I hope this blog will fill out, even in small snippets, more of the child, man, son, brother, uncle, comrade-in-arms, and passionate believer in the Constitution of the United States that he was. - Jerri------------------------Leif A. Garretson, 33, died April 9, 2008 at his home in Tampa, Florida of a self-inflicted gunshot wound.

Leif, known to many as "Alex," was born at Fort Riley, Kansas on January 28, 1975 and lived in Manhattan until 1976, when his family moved to several places around the world due to his father's military service, returning to Manhattan in 1992. He was a 1993 graduate of Manhattan High School and a 2003 graduate of Kansas State University. He was an avid member of the Society for Creative Anachronism in Manhattan, where he could often be seen in medieval armor on Sundays in the City Park.

Leif was a Medicare Customer Service Agent for Humana and a retired, disabled military veteran who served his country as an army machine gunner and certified armorer from January 1998 to May 2001, with a tour of peacekeeping duty in Bosnia.

He retired with the rank of Specialist 4 and received the NATO Medal, the Armed Forces Expeditionary Medal, the Army Service Ribbon, the Expert Marksmanship Qualification Badge with Machine Gun Bar, Sharpshooter Marksmanship Qualification Badge with Pistol Bar, Marksman Marksmanship Qualification Badge with Rifle Bar, Marksman Marksmanship Badge with Grenade bar, and several brigade and unit awards.

He is survived by his parents, Peter W. and Geraldine (Jerri) Garretson of Sun City Center Florida (formerly of Manhattan, Kansas); his brother and sister-in-law, Lieutenant Colonel, U.S. Air Force, Peter A. Garretson and his wife, Darlene, of Washington, DC; his maternal grandmother, Marion S. Kundiger of Sun City Center, Florida (also formerly of Manhattan, Kansas), eight first cousins, two nieces and one nephew.

On April 29, 2008, Leif was inurned with full military honors at the Bay Pines National Cemetery in Bay Pines, Florida, and later that afternoon a memorial service was performed at the Unitarian Universalist Church of St. Petersburg, Florida, with Rev. Manish Mithra officiating. Leif's family members and friends spoke in his memory.

In lieu of flowers, the family asks that any contributions in Leif's honor be made to organizations assisting disabled veterans and requests that you thank service members you see in uniform for their patriotism and service to our country.

A mother's quest for memory and understanding of his life and suicide.

This blog is dedicated to the memory of my son, Leif Ashley Garretson, and to my quest to understand his life and death.

The photos on this blog were taken mostly by me or by Leif's father, Peter W. Garretson, but others were taken by my mother and sisters. I thank them for allowing me to use them here.

Leif or Alex?

Leif's given name was Leif Ashley Garretson. He was named Leif after the Norwegian Viking Leif Ericson, and Ashley after the famed anthropologist Ashley Montague.

The pronunciation of Leif was an issue with Leif. In America, people are taught to pronounce it like "leaf," but he didn't like that. In Germany, where we lived for three years during his childhood, it is pronounced "life," which is how we pronounced it until he was grown. In Scandinavian, it is pronounced "layf," and that was how he wanted it to be pronounced.

One amusing incident took place when he was serving in Bosnia and they had an activity with some Norwegian NATO troops. He took out his ID card, held it up (in front of his American soldier buddies) and asked the Norwegians how to pronounce his name. He was gratified when they said "Layf"!

A lot of people knew Leif as "Alex," and some of his friends, and his dad, still call him that. That nickname came about because when he was about seven and annoyed with people calling him "leaf" or "life" he wanted a nickname. We were moving from Japan to Hawaii, so he and his brother, Peter Anthony, thought that would be a good time to make the change because no one would know him by his real name at the new place.

They chose "Alex" because they enjoyed the show, "Family Ties," and the star was "Alex." Leif used that name from then until about 1998.

There were short periods when he tried out other nicknames, like "Ash" (from his middle name, Ashley), and "Crispy," which I think (but am not sure) came from his love of Crispy Treats. When he was a senior in high school, he contemplated legally changing his name to "Lance Alexander," but he never did it.