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First of all, Im very independent and not really a relationship person, as much as Id like to be. Im very close to my friends and am happy with my life and myself in general, but Im torn between absolutely loving my own space and company, and really missing having someone around to share it all with. I also miss being close to someone emotionally. I dont find it hard to meet men, and I date, but I have to really like someone a lot to want to make the effort to develop it into something meaningful. And something that will compromise my me time.
The bottom line is - I would LOVE to have a boyfriend, still have my independence and still be myself, but its just not happening for me.
A year ago, I finally met someone who I wanted to share my life with. I was so into this guy and he felt the same. Although despite our feelings, it soon became clear that we werent right for each other and after spending some time trying to work things out, we went our separate ways after 4 months. It was a horrible situation and we both missed each other so much. He got back in touch with me after 3 months of no contact. Although I was so happy to hear that he felt the same, deep down, I knew wed never work, but I wanted us to more than anything. One week later, we went our separate ways again. as it became clear the issues we had were obviously too big an obstacle. I was gutted but felt positive about the whole thing, as it had really confirmed that we completely clashed and could never work as a couple. Although now, after another 3 months of no contact, my heart aches for him more than ever, and I miss him and what we had, despite our problems.

I am completely torn in two. One half of me (my heart) thinks I might be in love with him, and the other half (my head) knows that it would 100% NEVER work out. This I am totally convinced of. But I’m sad that I’ve lost something so special.
This guy was looking for someone completely ready to settle down, someone to spend the majority of his time with, someone VERY relationship-orientated, and someone who makes a big song and dance about how much they want and need him. He made it extremely clear that he thought I was emotionally unavailable and had my barriers up.
I was looking for someone who was totally into me, as he was, but a bit more laid back and secure (in relationships). And someone who accepted me for me. It killed us both to let go, but we had to do it.
So now I feel even more incapable of having a relationship. And despite dating someone I think i like, I feel like I need to tell him Im not interested now, rather than dragging it out and have him figure out that Im maybe not as emotionally available as Id like to be. I like him, but I don’t feel that into him.
Although since dating this new guy, I cant stop thinking about my ex, and I want him more than ever. My heart feels like its being ripped to shreds, and no matter what I do in this situation I dont feel any better. Ultimately, I am ruled by my head.
I know time is a healer, and taking a step back from it all and spending time on my own is probably the best option. Although Im eternally single, so Im actually worried that will just make the whole thing worse. Am I too used to being single and relying on myself for absolutely everything? How do I let someone else in?
I feel so miserable right now and I just want a big hug to make it all better.