Scientific Name

Collective Term

Hippo Characteristics

Scientific Name

Hippopotamus amphibius

Collective Term

A huddle of hippos

"There is an eagle in me that wants to soar, and there is a hippopotamus in me that wants to wallow in the mud" ~Carl Sandburg

Hippopotamus personalities are easy to identify. Of impressive physical bulk, they invariably attempt to disguise their size and ponderous movements. Wallowing in loose-fitting clothes or large tent dresses, their uncomfortable dimensions are the result of a compulsive eating habit. This massive bulk triggers an overwhelming hunger, and a hippo's life is centered around food and its preparation.

Hippos have Issues

Most hippos never really accept themselves for who they are. Traditionally viewed as jolly fat people, they have tried every diet on the market. The hippo's heart is a cauldron of powerfully conflicting feelings and the average hippo loves to wallow in this emotional stew. It's not that a hippo gets angry more often than others, it's just that its emotion tends to be magnified to an outrageous degree. In fact, the wild variety of hippo kills more people than any other predator in Africa, including the malevolent crocodile.

Hippos carry around a great deal of unrequited anger from hurtful experiences in their youth, and although they're generally peaceful they can be aggressive when provoked. Consequently, others avoid them, further adding to their sense of alienation.

Hippos are Generous

Despite this occasionally destructive behavior, there is no bigger heart beating in the animal kingdom. Hippos are loving, warm, creatures who are concerned with the emotional well-being of everyone they know.

Food acts as a salve for hippos' loneliness and alienation, and with their intimate knowledge of it they are excellent chefs and food critics. Extraordinarily fond of children they often volunteer for baby-sitting duties, finding solace in the unjudgmental nature of youth. Hippos are the first to bake cookies for the local school.

Hippos in the Workplace

For some reason the IRS hires hippo personalities in large numbers - probably because of their aggressive and intimidating demeanor when agitated. Like the elephant personality, a hippo has a wonderfully rich voice. The deep resonance produced by their bulk, together with their desire to hide from society, makes them perfect for the role of a phone receptionist, operator, or even a phone sex actor.

Hippos in the Wild

Distantly related to the pig, the hippo is the third-largest land mammal. Its body is hairless except for sparse whiskers on its muzzle, and its skin exudes an unusual oily pink fluid known as pink sweat, which serves to lubricate its skin.

Hippo society is a matriarchy , and young males are forced to keep their distance from the main group of females, winning reentry only by fighting other males. A baby hippo must show strict obedience or risk the wrath of its mother, who will lash the offending youngster with her head and slash with her tusks.

Hippos feed mainly at night, and their insatiable appetites can severely damage the environment. They spend most of their time in rivers and small inlets where their weight is supported and hidden by the water.

Careers & Hobbies

Collection Agent

Chef

Food critic

Receptionist

Baking

Eating

Knitting

Soap operas

Love & Friendship

It's difficult to eroticise a hippo. Traditional seductions like lingerie and massage oils have little impact on its slow-to-ignite libido. The proper way to a hippo's heart is through grand gestures -- naked midnight feasts or lavish bubble baths in champagne filled tubs.

One blessing about being with a hippopotamus is that you'll never have to worry about its fidelity. Oh sure, it might storm out of the house in one of its self-indulgent rages, but it will always return for a good dose of makeup sex when its temper has cooled.

Everything about the hippo is big and slow but once it has gained momentum, watch out! Its performance in the boudoir is no exception and the hippo's mate must be able to handle some fierce lovin'. The ponderous walrus makes for an ideal mate, sharing the hippo's passion for food and opulence. Think Tom and Roseanne.

Other water mammals prove to be compatible partners too, and hippos can expect mutually beneficial relationships with beavers, otters and sea lions.

Animal Matchmaker

Famous Hippo Personalities

Roseanne Barr

It's not just a weight thing. It's an attitude thing. And comedienne Roseanne Barr had both. Real big ones.

Shelley Winters

Shelley Winters started her acting career as a beautiful blonde in the same league as Marilyn Monroe. She ended it after packing on a few pounds, but never lost the effervescence and sense of humor that made her a quintessential hippo personality.

Julia Child

Hippo personalities are larger than life. And no TV personality was larger than Julia Child. Her gusto, humor and self-effacing demeanor made her a perennial star on cooking shows all over the world.