Three Really Strange Dudes.

Hurzog. That was his name. I worked as a Nurse Assistant at a Facility in northern Calfornia for a few years once. That was where I met two of the craziest people I have ever even heard of. The first was, (once again) named Hurzog.

He was a short man, very short. He probably stood at about 5' 3". Maybe I'm off by a half inch or so, it's hard to judge height on really short people when you stand at almost 6'4". He had dark hair which he kept slicked over to the side very reminicsent of Adolf Hitler's style. He was a Nurse Assistant and would wear what could only be called a utility belt around his scrub top. It had a pouch for his BP cuff, a place to hook a large digital thermometer, two retractable key rings of which one carried keys while the other was connected to a bottle of Purex. He was like some kind of Batman CNA. It still makes me laugh when I remember him pulling the Purex out and using some then letting it slam back against his side all business like. He had a big mustache which looked like one of those old time villain mustaches, you know, the guy who would tie the woman to the train tracks and twirl the end of his mustache with his fingertips while emitting an evil belly laugh?

Sometimes when we would be out on break smoking I would look over and that image would pop into my head and I would chuckle a little bit. Once in a while I would eat my lunch at the Facility break room and that was where I ate lunch with Hurzog one day. Usually there would be a few others with us on break, this was the first time I was alone with him. Hurzog had an arrogance which hung around him like a stinky cloud. If you ever told him something crazy that happened at work, he would cut you off to tell how something crazier happened to him...twice. He would go on and on about how awesome he was and what mistakes he saw me doing and how I could fix them. He would talk about all our co-workers in a snide condescending voice. While we were sitting there talking and eating he would pull out this comb and start brushing it through his mustache causing pieces of hair and crumbs to fall onto the table. He did this a few times and it all but killed my appetite. That and his overbearing Napoleanic superiority complex.

Hurzog also had a problem with women. I mean he didn't like them too much. He was always talking about them in a very demeaning fashion. One time when there were four or five guys on break one of them was telling a joke he had heard that was about women. It wasn't really demeaning or anything, just one of those "men do this, women do that," kind of jokes. Right after Hurzog blurts out in an angry kind of voice, "Yeah, and they stink like sh**t too!" There was an awkward silence and then everyone started putting their cigarettes out and slowly going back in.

Hurzog had a little run in with another employee who will be featured next. The other employee was boasting of his ex military prowess and Hurzog was arguing with him about it. The other employee flipped Hurzog over his back and he landed flat on his feet. Hurzog lay on the ground and as he was slowly getting up he asked for help stating that he "broke his arches." He swore that the arches in his feet were knocked flat somehow. Everyone just laughed at him. They all laughed even harder when Hurzog showed up to work the next day with these weird shoes with giant metal springs in them. He said he made them himself and it looked like he did. He told everyone that his arches were broke and he needed to wear the spring shoes. The fact that the shoes made him 4 inches taller probably had nothing to do with it.

One day Hurzog just quit. He showed up later only to drop off a pile of copied pictures. The pictures were of Hurzog getting married. In one picture, he and his bride were standing in what looked like a witches cauldron outside somewhere. Now, not to be rude but the woman he was marrying stood at least half a foot taller and had around a hundred pounds on him. It made for a somewhat comical scene. One of my co-workers, looking at him standing in the cauldron had asked if he was marrying into the Hills Have Eyes Clan. She had a veil on with her jeans and tee shirt. The veil had Christmas lights attached to it. In other pictures you could see the battery pack on the back of her jeans. There were several other people in the pictures and they were all wearing what looked like winners medals around their necks as they stood around in a camp site drinking King Cobra and breaking out what looked to be Strawberry Hill wine.

That was the last anyone ever saw or heard from Hurzog.

THE WILLIAM

That was what everyone called him. The William. It could be nothing less because he was one of a kind, he was the only William there ever was or will be. That is what the The William would say when he would tell you to call him that. He said everyone called him that. The William worked at the same Facility that I worked in with Hurzog. The William was the one who flipped Hurzog and slammed his feet into the ground and "broke his arches." The William was a bit older than me and the small group of guys who all worked together at the facility. We all ranged from early to late twenties, he was in his mid-thirties. He acted like he was very world-wise and far more intelligent than we were because of that fact. He also thought we were very gullible.

The William had dark hair and eyes, with a gap between his front teeth. He was overweight. He also had what my friend called a "little pu**y tickler mustache." He had an irritating habit of calling everyone "dudes," even when speaking to one person, and he said it at the end of almost every sentence. It came out like a very quick "doootss" when he said it. He told everyone he was part Cherokee and South African, and Hispanic. I don't think he was telling the truth about that. That was the thing about him, he wasn't a bad guy, and sometimes we would find out he had the day off and wish he was there to liven up the day, even if we were secretly laughing at him, but he could not utter the truth, ever. The William was a world class tall tale teller, a weaver of words, a master thespian, a world class liar, if you will.

The William would tell us stories of his days as an ex military special forces commando/secret agent. He told us about how his training consisted of being completely nude in a metal box suspended from a tree high in the mountains in the middle of winter. He said he became very thirsty and hungry after a couple days and would subsist on the snot running out of his nose. One day the bottom of the box suddenly dropped out and he fell down but hit the ground running from a dead sleep. "It was the training dudes." He told us he made a knife out of stone by chiseling it from another rock. He set a trap by placing nuts and berries in the middle of a mud pit and lay under some leaves with only his eyes exposed. He had fashioned a rope out of vines and had tied it to the knife. When a deer came up to eat the food, he burst from the leaves and swung the rope knife around the deer's neck and it wrapped around until it stabbed the deer in the throat. He then made himself a buckskin suit and ate deer steaks.

The William also told us of his days in Iraq before and during the war. He said his most dangerous mission was transporting a briefcase (contents unknown) to a contact in Baghdad. He said he kept his two nine mm. pistols at his lower back because, "That was my fastest draw dudes." (He had also stated that he had to put on weight for the mission and was never able to get rid of it),The briefcase was handcuffed to one hand and during the course of his mission he was attacked and had to gun down two enemy agents in Matrix like fashion.

The William had met Sean Connery once as well. Yes, old 007 himself. As the story went, The William was working up at a liquor store in Ukiah after he had retired early from the secret agent business. He was outside on a break smoking a cigarette and a nice car pulls up. A driver gets out and opens the rear door. Sean Connery gets out and begans to walk up to the store. There were three people in front of the store drinking from bags. A guy and two girls. The William says that one of the girls recognized Connery and squeals. She runs up asking for his autograph and he tells her he has to use the restroom first. The guy drunkenly tells Connery that he needs to give the girl an autograph immediately.

The William tells the guy "Leave Mr. Connery alone dudes."

The guy comes up to shove Connery and The William grabs him and flips him over slamming him to the ground.

Connery looks at him and says "Good Show shon. Whatsh your name?"

He looked over and said "Nice to meet you Mr. Connery, they call me The William."

Connery had looked at him and said "The William you shay? I could ushe a man like you on my shecurity team."

The William had turned down his offer saying he had too many responsibilities in Ukiah dudes. The William had even told us he still had Connery's card he had given him and he would bring it in sometime. It was at this point that Hurzog had professed disbelief at the story. The William told him to stand up at his side. When Hurzog did so The William grabbed him and flung him over and thus the famous broken arches.

The William had many more stories and they were all just as outrageous as these. A friend and I were doing a Psychology project once and The William asked to be in it. We were filming a part which showed the interaction between the Id, Ego, and Superego in the mind. The scene he was in had him as the Id and another friend as the Ego. He was supposed to push the Ego out of frame and basically "take over" the mind. He began punching our other friend in the stomach (fake punching), and since the other friend was Jewish, The William began ad-libbing "It's Christmas morning! Yeah baaaby!" as he pulled the guy's tee shirt labeled "Ego" over his head. Had to cut that out of the project.

TELL ME YOUR OPINION!!

WHO DO YOU THINK WAS THE STRANGEST DUDE?

Butler was perhaps the most disturbing person on this list. I met Butler when I was in AIT for the army (Advanced Individual Training). At first he just seemed to be a really loud mouthed guy, always joking and teasing people. Butler would always walk around naked except for a tee shirt and socks. One time he walked up to this guy Anderson and stared right into his eyes for a few seconds before slowly leaning in for a kiss.

One time I lay in my bunk reading and I hear Butler say "Hey." Butler's bunk was across and over about 2 or 3 bunks. I look over and he is half naked as always, on his bunk with his legs wide open while he slapped baby powder all over his junk. He starts laughing and yells out,

"Hey everyone, he's looking at Butlah's stuff." I just said whatever and went back to reading.

There was a kid in the bunk next to me named Roberts and Butler would call him Julia. He said that Roberts looked like Julia Roberts and even had her last name. One time when Roberts was asleep in his bunk Butler went over, slid in next to him and intertwined his fingers with his. He snuggled up to his ear and whispered

"You make Butlah feel so pretty Julia."

Roberts woke up and leapt out of his bunk yelling "Get out of my bunk freak!"

Butler looked around at everyone with wide eyed innocence. "Look at Julia, he all embarrassed now that everyone's looking, get out of here fools, aint nothin to see here but true love."

I had trouble sleeping every night there and it was probably a good thing. I would often lie awake in my bunk up to two hours after lights out. One night I heard a noise and look over to see Butler standing over a guy's sleeping form. Butler had his shlong in his hand and was gently rubbing it across the guys mouth.

As he was doing this he was saying, "Yeah, you like Butlah's shit don't ya?"

A couple other guys were awake and witnessing this as well. We all looked at each other in disbelief.

One guy was laughing and Butler looked up and said, "Look at this guy pretending he's asleep. He all over Butlah."

This happened several times to different guys with Butler putting his wang or sack on guys' faces at night. One night he was "teabagging" a guy from Boston.

Butler was saying, "We havin a Boston tea party up in here, this bitch like his tea black, yeah Butlah style."

Butler finally got caught in the act and it wasn't pretty. He decided to rub his stuff on this guy from New York. The guy woke up while Butler was saying how much he loved it. Quick as a striking snake he grabbed Butler's penis in his hand and yanked. Butler screamed high pitched and long, like a girl on a roller coaster.

"He got Butlah's shit, he gooooottt iiiiittt!" Butler screamed as he pulled this way and that. Somehow he was loose and running through the barracks with New York right behind him. As Butler would turn the corners around lockers he would slip because he was wearing socks and New York would be reaching for him. Butler would scream and run faster. He ran straight into the latrine with New York right on his heels. He caught him in there and all we could hear was Butler screaming. Every time the swinging door of the Latrine would flip outward or inward we could hear it louder. Butler was screaming," Somebody help Butlah, somebody help Butlah."

New York came out and went to his bunk and went immediately back to sleep. When Butler came out his shirt was in his hands and there were big red slap marks all over his body. His eyes were a little blurry but he still managed to squeak out, "This what Butlah get for spreadin affection and love, you guys don't help Butlah, Butlah a lover not a fighter." He went back to his bunk and there were no more tea parties after that.