Help Me Help A Friend!

So, i have this friend who has a four month old. She has asked me for advice off and on throughout her pregnancy and his infancy, and so far she has yet to take any of my great advice! ;) (For instance, she asked about cloth diapers, and decided not to use them...her husband was anti-vax so she asked me about that and decided to fully vax on schedule...she asked me for baby gear advice and got all the stuff she wanted anyway..obviously, my persuasive skills could use some work!)

So, today she texts me and asks me about crying it out. She claims her son is a horrible sleeper, although he sounds pretty good even next to my 21 month old! He does have to be held for naps, which we did for about 6 months, so i feel her pain there. But otherwise, he doesn't sound too bad!

Like, her text was "Did you ever do cry it out? I don't want to, but the sleep training isn't working (they were doing the pick up put down method), and I'm desperate. Last night he didn't go to sleep until 10:15 but he still woke up at 6:15. I'm exhausted and don't know what else to do. If y ou have any ideas, i'd love to hear them! :)"

i THINK she means that he slept straight from 10 to 6, which honestly sounds incredible. I'm not sure that i've EVER gotten an 8 hr stretch. I feel amazing when i get 4-5 hours in a row!

So. Here's the conundrum. I feel like she wants me to say to do CIO. I think she is leaning that way, and its sounding like the solution, but she wants someone to validate it and be like, "Oh yeah, it was hard but so worth it!"

She is also VERY sensitive about people telling her what to do. She hates it when she feels like she gets unsolicited advice, or like someone is telling her she's not doing something right, or whatever. She does seem to be a little more gentle than she was pre-baby, but she definitely thought my AP ways were ridiculous when LO was younger.

SO. How can I spread the AP ways without seeming pushy? What to tell a "mainstream" parent? THanks!!

Comments (13)

I would start off by encouraging her that her LO sleeps so well (10-6 without CIO is pretty amazing!) and maybe share your struggles with getting your own child to sleep. But then share what did/does work for you, if it's nursing to sleep, rocking, whatever. I wouldn't mention CIO unless she brings it up again, and just tell her what you believe about it. She seems to be looking to you for advice, even if she hasn't followed it in the past.

I know that no one ever told me that it's perfectly OK for babies and even small children to wake frequently - sometimes they NEED to eat or be snuggled and reassured. In our society we just expect them to STTN as though that's to be expected and if your baby doesn't, something's wrong. (I figured it out from reading posts here.)

I don't know, maybe some other mamas here have more advice for your friend. I just think it's cool that you have an opportunity to share about gentle (non-mainstream) parenting to someone who maybe just hasn't heard or read about much else.

Ask her if she goes to bed when he does. Many ppl stay awake for hours after and are shocked/angry/exhausted when LO wakes early. Also, try talking about "resting when baby does" during the day. It's absolutely healthy for a mama with a baby to snooze right along with them during the day. Errands, tv, reading, dishes, bills....they can all wait.
And lastly, just do what you can to remind her it does not last. Every night will be different and CIO won't help LO sleep through milestones, hunger, teething or nightmares. Babies cry for a Reason and if you meet their needs everyone will get more and better rest.

Even the baby sleep advocates of CIO don't recommend until at least 6 months old. Plus I definitely agree that people expect too much of a baby. Generally they wake up hungry. Until they reach 20 lbs she would expect waking up for night feedings. That said, I have a gf that is super educated, thinks she knows it all....and still does CIO, used every excuse in the book for not sticking to breastfeeding just because its more convenient, went on a vacation alone with her hubby twice!! In the first two months, and let her 6 month old watch hours of spongebob every night. Point is you can't change people. I don't even bother giving her advice. Even when she asks for it. I'm just like uh huh...

Hmm, I think you should keep this email very very short. Clearly she isn't really interested in your ideas so just be casual about them.

I think I would state that you feel for her because she is tired, letting her know that 8-9 consecutive hours of sleep is amazing at this age (refer to a website on baby sleep times), and say that you would personally never do cio as it is against your instincts and parenting philosophy but that you know there are many parents that decide otherwise. Wish her luck on her decision and that's the end of it.

With somebody who has already made her decision and is also very defensive when people don't agree; protect yourself against her defensiveness! If she is really interested in your way of thinking she will come back to you and ask more.

I agree with marij. I think for people with her personality, less can be more. Looks like she wants validation more than advice. You can just directly address her questions without going too deep? and obviously without validating CIO. Let her know her baby sleeps great, but if she wants tips about how to feel rested, you can share what works for you. I am like you, though, in that I want to educate and disseminate good information, and get frustrated when people just don't hear it. Maybe something like, "Sounds like you have a great sleeper. If you want some good info about normal infant sleep, or would like to know strategies that work for us, let me know."

I also like to share this article if I think it will click with the mom: