An Ode to Black Friday

The moment those store doors open and the florescent lights glare down on the determined shoppers, it has begun. It's the day that makes the most loving of souls turn into deranged psychopaths - Black Friday.

Has there ever been such an event that is so horrible yet oddly fulfilling? The best (aka worst) stores are the ones that open at 6 p.m. on Thursday night. I can hear the retailers now: "What even is Thanksgiving? You mean the day before Black Friday? Wait, you want to spend time with family? How charming. Can your family offer you a 52" LCD TV for $199? I didn't think so." And that, my friends, is how I became the owner of a new television.

If you have ever gone Black Friday shopping, you know exactly what I'm talking about. You get to the store late at night, thinking that you're going to be the first one in line because who else would be desperate enough to get there this early? Then your hopes and dreams are crushed as you find a massive line already snaking alongside the corner of the building. Let's make a list of the types of people that normally populate this line, shall we?

First, we have the survivalists. These people will be at or near the front and look like they have been there since the Black Friday of last year. They may have a tent, a portable heater, canteens full of unidentifiable drinks, a George Forman grill, and/or fur-lined gear. Do not mess with these people as they probably have a pocket knife hidden somewhere and have no fear, e.g. Chuck Norris.

Next, there's the type A's. This group may look like they are about one minute away from having a mental breakdown, blaming you for consumerism, and maybe will finish the day with a good cry. Normally, they are clutching a long list and letting everyone in the vicinity know that if they don't get EVERYTHING on this list, their life will be over. Perhaps some passive aggressive threats are tossed around just to instil that slight bit of fear to keep you on edge. An example would be a sleep-deprived mother who brought along her sugar-charged children. Warning: this is potentially the most fearsome group of them all.

Lastly, we have the people who seriously do not care. You ask them why they came and they respond with, "Well, there weren't any good football games on so I had nothing better to do." These are the people you want to befriend, as they don't have any ulterior motives. They're probably just in it for the people watching and to maybe getting a cheap pair of headphones.

Group together all of these beautiful people and you get a match made in dysfunctional heaven. I've seen an old woman trip a young man just for the sake of obtaining a discounted iPod. I wept for humanity.

With all of this said, I think the only way to get through Black Friday is to put Imagine Dragon's "Radioactive" on a never-ending loop and become the grand champion of Black Friday.