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Pretty Little Liars Recap: Who's in the Box?

#Team PLL, I know I say this at the end of every episode, but for real this time: I'm done with this show. Seriously, I'm about as done as a Butterball turkey 45 minutes after the original scheduled time for Thanksgiving dinner. I didn't think it would come to this, but after what I just witnessed—[REDACTED] breaking up and [REDACTED] getting back together—I can't do it anymore. The eggs in my fallopian tubes a.k.a. my future children are getting gray hairs—I know this isn't possible!—because I'm so stressed out, trying to figure out what the hell is going on Pretty Little Liars anymore. I mean, I can't be the only one fed up with the lack of answers and the twists and turns that lead to more dead ends than interesting plot developments. So let's discuss what went down in last night's episode, "Who's in the Box?"

We catch up with our Little Liars who are still trying to figure out who "A" is.

We open with the Little Liars trying to figure out two things: 1) where Ali has been hiding this whole time and 2) why they aren't super excited that she's alive. Spencer chimes in and says the most important thing is making it safe for Ali to come back to Rosewood, so they can get answers about everything that's happened. That's when Emily says they need to consider the possibility that Ali is "A," and I'm like:

Hanna is not and is convinced perhaps something else is going on. So they all go to the hall with Ali's funeral box. Since Ali isn't inside it, Hanna thinks that someone else is—and if they can figure out who, then maybe that will connect the dots a little bit and they can find out who the real "A" is. OK, OK. Good plan, Han!

Later on, Em asks Mrs. DiLaurentis where Jason is. Allegedly, he's supposed to be driving across country to visit friends in Montana:

Meanwhile, Hanna's doing an Internet search to see who else went missing the day Ali did when her mom walks in the room. Ashley is stressed out because no one will hire her because of the Wilden situation and reminds Hanna to call her dad and give him an answer about Australia. Hanna wants to remain in Rosewood with her mom. Aww:

The Liars arrive arrive at school, as does Toby, which makes me do this to my TV screen...

...and then Spoby start talking about his mom and the Radley conspiracy again, and I'm like:

Thankfully, Mona's rude ass interrupts by honking her horn and driving past them. But wait, how is she out free? When last we saw her, she admitted to killing Wilden...

Mona goes to Hanna and tries to act all buddy-buddy, but Hanna's giving her the cold shoulder, which hurts Mo's feels considering that she took the fall for Ashley. Cue my reaction to Mona's feelings:

I mean, Mona messed up all the Liars lives and now she wants a damn purple heart for doing something nice for once in her life? Screw a purple heart. She doesn't even deserve the heart from the game Operation. Girl, please sit your goofy behind down.

We jump to Ezra's classroom. The class ends and Aria tries to peace out, but he asks her to stay after. The other girls are like, "This is weird because she's with Jake." And I'm like, who's Jake?

...no. Ooh, I remember now....

...oops! Wrong again. This is Jake:

Um, yeah, he's pretty worthless on this show, so don't mention him again. Thanks! Anyway, Hanna tells Spencer and Em that she found info on a Sara Harvey who went missing the same day Ali did. She emailed Sara's friends under the guise of it being a support group, so the Liars can find out more about Sara. Just then a video turns on in the room they're in and there's a message from A about whoever finds Ali gets to keep her:

Back to Ez and Aria. He apologizes about the whole Malcolm thing and says that his days at Rosewood High are numbered:

He continues on about how he wants to be the person she thinks he is, and if she gives him another chance, I'm going to rip my weave out.

Spencer confronts Papa Hastings about Jason's whereabouts. PH says he has no clue, so she tells him that she asked Mrs. DiLaurentis where Jason is. PH makes a deal with her that will he find out where Jason is if she stays away from Mrs. D:

So why is Spence trusting him and agreeing to this plan?! He's shady. Argh!

Hanna is at home and is IM'ing with one of Sara's friends, Tina. They agree to meet for coffee. Hanna goes to the coffee shop to tell Em and Aria the good news. Em doesn't want to meet with Tina be—EVERYONE, STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING BECAUSE CALEB WALKS INTO THE COFFEE SHOP:

Let us bow our heads and reflect on this man's hotness. Amen. Moving on. Haleb talk a little bit and leave the coffee house to go sex on each other. Love it.

We check in on Spoby and they're still talking about his mom:

There's a lot of boring garbage that I don't care about including Spoby going off to confront Mrs. Mainway, whose company might be involved in his mom's death. They threaten to go public about Radley.

Later on, Hanna and Em meet up with Tina and Claire to talk about Sara and Ali. They think that something happened to Sara, while their friend Avery, who saw Sara last on the day after Labor Day, doesn't agree. Welp, there goes Hanna's theory. The missing girl isn't Sara, and once again, we're back to having zero answers on this show:

Mona bumps into Ezra. They make small talk, and she says she's jealous of the other Liars because they get support from him. She wonders how much better she would be doing if she found the right mentor. Ez reacts to Mona's creepy ass the same way I do when a health-conscious friend offers to make me a vegan grilled-cheese sandwich:

Still, Ez gets over his discomfort and they have some coffee and a coded conversation in which Ez basically tells her to back off and not underestimate him.

Hanna comes home and Ashley shares the good news that she's going to work for Mrs D. Hanna thanks her, and that's when Mrs. DiLaurentis says it wasn't her idea but Ali's. She says that Ali shows up in her dreams sometimes:

Haleb are hanging out, and he tells her he has to go back to Ravenswood:

Spoby are hanging out when Papa Hastings comes home. Toby shares the good news that Radley is going to admit that his mother's death wasn't due to suicide. PH mentions that if they keep digging, they can probably shut Radley down. Now he's being helpful when he yelled at her before about meddling?

Ez meets up with Aria, and they go to the cabin that Ez writes at, which is outside the city. He gives her a key to the cabin and says this place could be their secret place and then they kiss:

Seriously, why are we back here again? Why can't this couple be done for good? I'm so sick of this mess. UGH!

Em is closing up at the coffee shop when she hears a sound. It's Claire. Claire says that the reason Avery wasn't at their meeting is because she's pumped up on medication. She says Sara wasn't a good person and that she wished Sara was dead before she disappeared, then she leaves the shop. OK, but I have ZERO emotional attachment to Claire, so this scene gets two:

Moving on. Caleb gets his things to leave and Hanna doesn't want him to go. He says that Miranda needs him (ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?!?!?) and Hanna is not feeling that response. He says he can't tell Hanna what happened with Miranda and leaves. Ashley looks on and Hanna cries:

Spencer asks PH why he's interested in closing down Radley. He says it's because the place is dangerous and he's doing this for her, especially after she was locked up in the joint. Hmm...

...but I'm not buying it.

Caleb is leaving a coffee shop, and Hanna is waiting for him at his car. She says that she didn't want that to be the way they said goodbye, so they tenderly say adios to each other and he drives away. He starts crying and:

Someone please explain to me why Haleb needs to be broken up. I know, I know. It's because of Ravenswood, but this is pure crap. They were by far the best coupling on this show, and now they break up over Miranda's wackness.

The next day, the Liars are together and Hanna pulls Ali's diary out of her purse and lets the other girls read it even though it's full of mean things Ali has written about them:

Finally, we end on "A" going into Ez's cabin and opening the trap door in the floor:

...because I'm still upset over Haleb.

Alrighty, what did you think of last night's winter premiere? Am I overacting about Haleb's breakup?