April, 2012

The question I’ve been asked a million and a half times: “So do you, like, try to turn straight girls?”

There is no such thing as “turning” a girl. There is no switch located somewhere deep inside a girl’s vagina that tells her when she is and isn’t a lesbian. This implies that you can just become gay all of a sudden one day if you try hard enough, which would mean that being gay is a choice. I’m not going to bore anyone with that conversation about my little baseball lezzie playing self being gay since I soccer slid out of my mother’s vagina, so I’ll just get into this conversation about a straight girl wanting to sleep with a lesbian, regardless of what we do.

If a girl wants to fuck another girl, it’s not because a lesbian said the right things, or looked a certain way, or dressed a certain way to make her realize that. We don’t wear a lucky v-neck, or have a playbook in our back pockets coaching us on what to say. No. If a girl wants to fuck another girl, it’s because the idea turns her on. Maybe adding a dash of alcohol or the right setting made her feel comfortable enough to explore that, but a lesbian didn’t put an idea in her head that wasn’t there before. This isn’t sexual Inception.

So how does this situation even happen? Well it usually starts with a lesbian (hay!) and a straight girl (yo!) at a setting where you can find both parties. Practically any setting: a bar, a softball game, an Ingrid Michaelson concert, a student newspaper convention in Southern Florida (shout out to D.Delph). The world is your sexually-confused oyster.

Okay so you both are there now. Staring at each other. Who makes the first move? The times I’ve hooked up with straight girls, for the most part, they’ve been the one steering the boat towards Muff Island. If a girl wants to hook up with a girl, and she sees that opportunity, she’s most likely going to take it. If she knows you’re into chicks, and it’s been a secret, or not so secret desire of hers, trust me, she will make you very well-aware of her intentions. Very aware.

Whether it happens that night or not, the idea that maybe started off as a little speck in her brain has multiplied and now she’s googling how to finger a girl. Most straight girls assume that since you’re a lesbian, you want all women, so there is no doubt in their mind that you want them too. And I mean, if you’re hot, yeah. Yeah we do. Flirting with a lesbian and putting yourself out there is a pretty vulnerable situation for a straight girl but you’d be surprised at how confident they are when they’re coming onto you. Because they believe it’s a sure thing, and you don’t need to second-guess yourself when you think that’s the case. So it happens. You two hook-up. Maybe it’s bad, maybe it’s really fucking good. Maybe you’re skeptically looking at her like.. “Are you SURE you haven’t done this before?”

Now what happens after the hook-up? What if she likes it? What if she doesn’t? Whether she actually likes it or not, rests very little on what actually happens in the bedroom. She could’ve orgasmed five times, or zero times, it really doesn’t matter. If she likes it, she’ll like whatever you’re doing. Remember the first time you had sex with a guy? He probably pre-ej’d but you were like “THAT WAS THE BEST THING EVER!” and you couldn’t wait to do it again because you liked it no matter what and didn’t have anything else to compare it to.

So who makes the first move to talk to who? Most likely you, you will have to. I’m not trying to marry the girl and I’m certainly not trying to recruit her for my summer slowpitch league. I think after being blown off enough, I’ve realized that if I never hear from the girl again or she is completely evasive towards me, it has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the fact that she either:

a) She realized being with a girl was just a fantasy and not a reality she’d want and then pretends you don’t exist

-It’s pretty normal for a girl to realize that she was just turned on by the fantasy. Maybe she saw the hot cheerleader lesbos on “Glee” and thought, I could totally do this! Or maybe her old college roommate was a big fan of “The L Word” and she kind of secretly found it sexy. But then it happened and it was nothing like the porn she’s used to. We don’t have long fingernails with red polish and we don’t let our male co-worker join in when he walks in on us in the copy room. This was clearly just a fantasy of her’s that was not executed the way she had envisioned. We all have fantasies, but if they happened in real life, we may not be as into them. Like the one I have about being kidnapped. Then my kidnapper and I bang in the back of a truck with my hands still tied up. I mean, I don’t want to actually get kidnapped. And I think in the situation, I’d be so terrified that sex would be the last thing on my mind and with my luck the kidnapper would look like Cynthia Nixon… Anyways, I think a lot of fantasies are fantasies for the sole purpose to exist in our mind and nowhere else. It’s good to act those out, but then you realize the distinction between a fantasy and a desire.

OR b) She is too ashamed to admit that she actually really got turned on by it and then pretends you don’t exist.

-It’s a pretty normal feeling for a girl to question her sexuality after she hooks up with another girl. “Am I no longer straight?”, “Does this make me a lesbian?”, and “But what if I don’t want to move to Portland, rescue a Greyhound and work as a volunteer firefighter with my partner?” are typical questions for a straight girl to ponder after she’s played Guess Which Finger That Is with a lesbian the night before. It is a whole slew of confusing feelings that they’d rather hide away in a lockbox than actually think about. There are girls out there that are so ashamed of what turns them on, that they’ll never truly admit to themselves that they are a little gay, or even a lot gay. It’s a pretty easy rule of thumb: Straight is when you don’t want to fuck a girl twice. If you’re thinking about fucking a lesbian again, after you’ve already done it, better start brushing up on that Sylvia Plath, girl.

So this seems pretty lose-lose for a lesbian then huh? Well, I mean, we still had sex with you so it’s not all that bad. Does it ever turn into anything more than just a one night hook-up? It has. But more often than not, it hasn’t. My efforts stop once I realize that it’s not me, that it’s them. It’s not that they didn’t think I was charming enough when we woke up in the morning, or sexy enough when I had all my clothes off, or gracious enough while we were in bed, it’s that it is not for them. Or it is totally for them but they’re not woman enough to admit it and they’ll go through the next 10-15 years in and out of relationships with men that don’t satisfy them. Tough titties. If you don’t want to sleep with us again, what are we gonna do, cry about it? Yes.

It starts out all clear and clean. Then at some point (usually after KFC snack bowls) it gets contaminated. By shit. Your toilet is filled with shit. Your life is filled with shit. It’s only a matter of time before it piles up so much that it’ll never go away. Eventually it will clog and you’ll have to run to Walgreens and stand in line with a plunger in hand. Only a plunger. The whole line, and the Walgreens employee know exactly what you’ve done. And this could have all been avoided if you just flushed all that shit down the toilet before it became a problem and built up. You have to flush it down, or else you’ll forever be suffocated by shit.

…..

What I’m getting at is this: We’ve all had shitty people in our lives at some point. If you haven’t, it’s probably because you’re so shitty that you didn’t realize you were making someone else’s life awful. Or you just accepted those people’s inherent awfulness and figured you’d cut them out when they REALLY did something awful to you, like fucked your ex-girlfriend, stole your weed, or took the batteries out of your vibrator to put in their Wii remote and didn’t return them. Kind of like when you’re dating someone that you know is awful for you but you just tell yourself that you’ll keep dealing with their bullshit until they do something really unforgivable. Like murder your family. Yes, that’s when you’ll pull the plug, when they stab your brother with an ice pick and throw a plastic bag over your calico cat’s head, that’s when it’s over. So you just carry around this burden of feeling like shit about yourself and about this other person until they do something big enough for you to actually take action, because you wouldn’t be able to feel justified in breaking up with them for just, you know, blowing the owner of a douchey Wrigleyville bar while you two were “figuring things out”, it has to be bigger than that. Bigger than felatio.

We’ve all been fooled once before by someone who came along in a horse-drawn Prius who seemed like the Garth to our Wayne. Everything they say and do is so cool to you. They non-ironically listen to NPR. They smoke American Spirits. They dated the guy from New Radicals (refer to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL7-CKirWZE&ob=av2e). They majored in Anthropology while working at Anthropologie, just for the wordplay. You envy how much style they have, how they can put a belt on practically anything and it looks so chic. You two have so much fun. They know all the rap lyrics that everyone else just hums their way through. You think they’re so fucking cool. Then you realize a few weeks, months, years later, that they never really cared about you, that you were just always down for 25cent wings when no one else was, or they took advantage of the fact that you love to buy copious amounts of O-Bombs when out together. You laugh/cry at the fact that at some point, you thought they were too good for you, when the truth is, you were too good for them, and that they just did their best impression of being a good friend but the facade wore off.

So what happens when we realize that some people in our life are horrible fits for us? We get angry. We start to lash out at work on customers that ask for lemons in their water (JUST FUCKING DRINK THE WATER CUNT). We get angry at our friends that don’t actually suck but we’re so paranoid that everyone around us is going to suck that we get angry at them just expecting them to blow. We get skeptical about everyone around us. Like life and love and friendships are just one big test to see how much you can be pushed to your limits without throwing yourself off the top of your apartment building or swallowing all the contents of that entire CostCo sized bottle of Ibuprofen that you keep in your medicine cabinet for hangover Thursdays. So skeptical then when you meet someone who actually is wonderful and genuinely normal that you constantly feel like someone is playing a joke on you and that it can’t be real. So you push yourself away. Stay away from me good person, I don’t believe you’re real!

When you’re so used to being surrounded by shit, you forget how good that you, yourself, are. The more that you doubt your self-worth, the more you’ll stop believing in yourself each day. And when you give up on the idea that you deserve greatness and deserve to be treated like you matter, that’s the day that your life dies and you might as well just move to one of those Southern states where you have no rights and people frown upon birth control, the gays, liberty and happiness.

At a point you have to stop letting people treat you like shit and like you’re less of the person that you know you are. At some point you have to let go of people that make you feel unsettled and constantly disappoint you. Because you know that when you look at some of your friends who keep going back to the same awful people in your life, you label them as pathetic, but how long until you realize that you’re being just as pathetic? How much does it take for you to realize that you’re now being pathetic by allowing people who are toxic to stay in your life and in your phone and as your Facebook friend/Twitter follower/LinkedIn contact/GChat address book? ANSWER ME, TECHNOLOGY ANGELS!

Unfortunately, there will be a time when you have to look at some of the people in your life and say “I tried my best” and just let them go. Be brave enough to break your own heart, you little lesbian. You want people who are always in your corner, not someone standing outside the ring who wears a fanny pack full of bullshit excuses. So for yourself, raise the bar. Find people that will join you up there. Hey, come join me up here in my new standards!

The fact of the matter is, there will always be people who won’t value your feelings. You just have to sift through all those shitty fuckers to get to the good ones that will.

She’s dorky! She’s hip! She’s adorkable! She’s…eating lollipops as a grown woman and has a pet bunny rabbit named Smiles.

Zooey Deschanel is America’s resident cute, nerdy hipster before hipsters even knew what being a hipster was. She gets away mixing polka dots with flowery patterns. She has bows in her hair. She plays the ukelele, I think. In high school, she was every girl’s best friend, the nerds loved to share their Tamagatchi’s with her and she helped teach the head quarterback in her Spanish class how to conjugate verbs into the Usted form just in case he encountered a Spanish official. Sometimes she wears big rimmed glasses when she doesn’t have to, otherwise she pops those light blue peepers out right under her trendy bangs.

We’ve seen her on The New Girl and have listened to her crooning with She & Him, but have we ever heard her say things that the average person would say?

In light of that, I give you:

10 phrases Zooey Deschanel has never said:

1. “I think I’m going to grow out my bangs…”

2. “But honestly, does this bow look stupid?”

3. “I’m not as into Metallica’s newer stuff.”

4. “I’m changing my name to Becky.”

5. “Who the hell is Gotye?”

6. “What a waste of money. Happy Feet was fucking stupid.”

7. “I’m gonna go to the bar and destroy myself.”

8. “I’ve never been inside a Trader Joe’s but I got fingered behind one last weekend.”

Even through those Peanuts comic strips, you can see the sexual tension.

Just look at them.

Peppermint Patty only wears short-sleeved button up shirts. I’m not even gay enough to wear those. And check out her sandals, those look pretty similar to the Adidas sandals that I’d slip on after softball games right after I took my cleats off. And her hair is in that transition stage when she just chopped of her long locks from childhood so it’s above her shoulders for now but soon enough realizes that she wants to go full Bieber. Not to mention she’s built like a hockey goalie. Charles M. Schulz, the creator of Peanuts, clearly didn’t see the aesthetic difference between an adolescent girl and a suburban dad at the beach.

Marcie. Poor Marcie. She really wants to look like a girl, with that tutu skirt, but she just ends up looking like a tranny. Her huge glasses block any prospect of sexual prowess and if she’s not wearing neutral colors that accentuate her nothing, then she’s wearing a color t-shirt with the same exact color shorts and sandals/shoes.

They didn’t even try to hide the fact that Peppermint Patty was a major ‘bo. I mean, they let a little boy do her voiceovers and Marcie calls her ‘sir’. And she has absolutely no control over her rage, like she’s been a steroid addict so she could make the Varsity LaCrosse team. Which brings me to my next point, she’s a star athlete and is usually better than Charlie Brown at every sport they play. Lez be honest here.

They’re the only girls in the entire show/comic strip to wear shorts and sandals…And they BOTH like Charlie Brown? That poor little twink doesn’t realize that he’s both of these girls’ beards. Sure when I was in junior high and high school I gravitated towards pretty guys too, maybe because it’s an easy transition into ladies. Throw a little rouge on them, a shirt with a butterfly on it and they’re practically my next girlfriend.

Take a look at this lover’s quarrel and you tell me they aren’t going down on each other during recess.