Ted: 'Robin, this show is so dirty, I don't know whether to hug you, or run a shower for you, so you can sit there alone, crying and clenching your knees.'Robin: 'It's just bad camera work, okay? Wayne, our camera guy - he wasn't that great.'Marshall: 'I don't know. I think he did a pretty good job, considering he was probably only using one hand.'

Lily: 'Just give me his name!'Robin: 'Fine. It's Bill Pepper.'Lily: 'Kind of a coincidence there happens to be a bill and a pepper shaker here on the table. Any chance you and Bill had a three-way with Fork Napkin?'

Dinner's a very intimate activity. It requires a level of connection and eye contact, that sex just doesn't. Call me old-fashioned, but I need to have sex with a girl at least three times before I'll even consider having dinner with her.

Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge, pick you up, give a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway, but it's all downhill from here.

Marshall: 'During that time, I have been, how do I put this delicately, saving all my love for you.'Lily: 'I have read eleven books on conception, I have cut out alcohol, caffeine and sugar. I take my temperature every hour. But good for you for not playing with yourself!'

Career has been trouncing romance for years. It's like the Globetrotters versus the Generals: Career's sinking hook shots from half court, romance is just a bunch of slow white guys, who couldn't make it in the Italian league.

Fine, you guys can have a baby, but only under these conditions:1) You promise to always love me more than the baby.2) Once a month, I get to use the baby to pick up chicks.3) That may involve the baby falling from a two-story window and me heroically catching it.4) No breast-feeding in front of me.5) Forget about 4), you can whip 'em out whenever you want.

Ted: 'I made a bid online, I won the auction the next day and I got approval. I just finalized the paperwork.'Barney: 'And was the Blair Witch easy to deal with, or did she haggle over the closing costs?'

Barney: 'I had a drinking game based on Robin. But it was actually ON Robin: I'd pour peach schnapps in her belly button...'Ted: 'Dude, we agreed we wouldn't do this.'Barney: 'Sorry. You're right. She didn't like it anyway. Said it woke her up.'

Ted: 'No, seriously Robin, you should get the slap. I mean, you're a great slapper. In fact, I want to study slapping under your tutelage. I want to be your slap-prentice.'Robin: 'Don't sell yourself short there, Teddy. You're a slapping rock star. Your name should be Eric Slapton.'