I'm a transgender girl happily on a journey to looking better, being more feminized and overcoming adversity. Whether in your teens or way beyond, if you’re a transgender girl, this is for you. Like an embassy in a hostile land, this is the place to gain strength, to get empowering information and to belong. I made this place based on what I've learned; I hope it helps you. Welcome home.

Monthly Archives: September 2012

I just got a wonderful email from a friend who is dealing admirably with me being transgender, and how happy I am as such, and that I do part-time lingerie modeling and so on. I love how choosing high-quality friends can have such a wonderful payoff.

That said, one can’t choose one’s family. It’s in that arena where I’ve experienced the most disappointing results. It really helps me to have made peace with someone else’s issues being their issues. I don’t have to earn their approval or buy-in.

It helps me to use a bus as an analogy for my transgender agenda for myself. I am the bus driver, and the people in my life are actual or potential passengers. If they choose to be on board, great. If not, then the bus is still going to leave the bus station, whether they are on board or not. Although resistance to my agenda is often passive-aggressive instead of open, it seems to have the sense of “wait, the bus can’t leave unless I’m on board with it.” And, whoever says that is simply mistaken.

* * *

I’ve just come back from a university class about human sexuality. Today the subject was transgender people. The material was great, the presenter was great and the guest speaker was awesome. What I found especially encouraging was how positive the students were. They were encouraging, engaged, intelligent and thoughtful. Now that I know what a difference geography makes as to culture: as a transgender girl, if I were living in a transgender-unfriendly environment, I would move to the West Coast, pronto.

I’m not even in San Francisco; just in the general area (generously interpreted). Even so, its culture of tolerance for sexual and gender diversity has definitely spread to here, and I like that.

I like that so many people have figured out that someone’s sexuality, gender, personal style etc. doesn’t make him or her a good or bad person, and (to quote some wise words from a friend’s recent email) people should be judged by the content of their character. Whether they’re transgender or not, straight or gay or bisexual, is no reflection on someone’s character. What a concept. It opposed thousands of years of irrational ideas and violence initiated against innocent people.

What do I think of, when it’s early morning and I’m sort of half-asleep still? Sometimes, I have sexy fantasies. Sometimes, I don’t. This morning was one of those “wow, this transgender girl must be hard as nails and cold as ice” days.

* * *

I woke up thinking there’s a design flaw in the database that I made for myself to manage my pictures and videos. I use Picasa, which is a really great and free (thank you, Google) image management system but I like controlling my own data in ways Picasa doesn’t. Because I make custom business database software systems for a living, I made one for myself, to manage the albums, links, locations, outfits, ratings and so on. This prevents it from all becoming an overwhelming blur of data. So, an hour later, I had the design flaw identified and the software fixed. Yay! This approach means I get to enjoy the same benefits my software clients do — a streamlined, clean business processes.

* * *

A certain part of the populace believes that violence against girls like me is OK. In fact, as a demographic sub-group, transgender girls are the targets of violence to a vast extent compared to ANY other sub-group. Intellectual opposition has its time and place, but if someone initiates violence against me I intend to defend myself vigorously instead of trying to reason with them. I’ve gone through a personal defense training regiment and I’m officially licensed to carry a concealed weapon — and I cheerfully do, strictly for purposes of self-defense, meaning: even if someone calls me every name in the book, they’re welcome to their opinion and of course, my pistol remains holstered.

I have good pistol-wielding skills but I like to make sure I’m ready enough. My trainer taught me that an attacking adult human can cover a distance of 20 feet in about 2 seconds, so assuming the hostilities begin at that distance, that’s the time I have available to draw, take the safety off, point and shoot. I don’t plan to ever point and then wait while someone is rushing towards me. I don’t expect that, as in the movies, the attacker will magically lose his momentum and aggression, freeze, introspect, reconsider, become a better human and depart, while happy theme music plays in the background.

The process of moving the slide back and forward so as to chamber a round can make too big a difference. It’s good for me to make sure, every now and then, that there really is a bullet in the chamber already whether I have just cleaned the gun or practiced with it. This way, once the gun is in my hand, one thumb movement gets the safety off and I’m ready to exercise my right to self-defense. This morning involved such a “be ready” exercise. Good enough.

* * *

I had a good conversation with a friend to whom I’d sent a “coming out” email. I love how this sort of thing can bring out the best in good people — calm, logical, benevolent reactions.

* * *

Many men have strong sexual fantasies about being with a transgender girl. They often feel bad about these, so they repress them. The science of psychology tells us that repression is the magic ingredient needed to make something like this become an obsession.

I sell sexy lingerie shows, not sex — so I am a good choice for men who are taking a cautious first step in the direction of permitting themselves to finally give in to their obsession and interact with a girl like me, in person, in a sexually-themed way.

As a result, I get to observe the first-timer’s psychological enthusiasm curve. There’s a clear pattern. In the beginning, it’s wild enthusiasm. Typically, I don’t like to meet someone for an in-person modeling session during that part of the getting-acquianted process. I prefer to wait until I’ve had some time to get to know them via email. By that time, a few days into it, they’ve given themselves the okay as to the idea of actually meeting me. By then, the “forbidden fruit” aspect is gone, and often what remains of their enthusiasm is … not even enough to want to meet me any more.

Could be that it’s just me and something about me turned them off, but I don’t have any specific cause to think so. I’ve seen this pattern happen again and again with, specifically, first-timers. Clients other than first-timers have a totally different enthusiasm curve.

Now that I know what I do, if I were a genetically integrated girl who found out that her boyfriend or husband is sexually obsessed with transgender girls like me, I’d encourage him to simply go make an appointment and see what it’s like. My guess is that the permission would greatly reduce the obsession.

As a transgender girl, I have “come out” to a great many people, and by now I have accumulated enough useful information to contribute it. I hope that what I wrote helps you too, if you’re struggling with these issues. I also Tweeted about my blog and wrote to the Act Up people about it. Some aspects of what they do, I love, and others I don’t but even so my page about coming out might be of value to some transgender ladies.

I spent another part of today on my part-time modeling business, swapping friendly emails with nice people who might also be potential clients. Then, a friend of mine called and gave me some advice about the business. One of his points is that I’m in a place in the visual transitioning process where it’s very apparent to the casual observer that I’m not a genetically integrated girl, and that were I to take feminizing hormones, my edges would soften (as a figure of speech) and I’d look a lot more convincing. Transgender private lingerie modeling shares a lot of subculture with transgender ladies who do escorting and more, so it’s been helpful for me to generally learn about that subculture and its issues and dangers, even to me.

My daily health and beauty routine is off to a late start. It’s interesting to me how many chemicals this involves. I appreciate modern science and the chemical industry even more now.

This next paragraph might be stupefyingly boring unless you’re curious what it’s like to be me, every day.

I put on the first of two daily treatments of scalp revitalizer for, if it works as hoped, more & fuller hair.

I took a hormone modifier to counteract the effect that male hormones tend to have on the front of one’s hairline, which is to push it back

I put on eyelid moisturizing cream

I put on face moisturizing cream

I put on body moisturizing lotion

I put on heel moisturizing lotion

I put on my bangles, a nice “hey, you’re a girl” reminder after years of not being aware of it

I put in my transparent braces

I put on my 6″ heels so that when I walk, I do so sexily, even inside my townhouse.

If you’re a transgender girl (female mind, considered male at birth) this blog is for you.

When birds fly in a “V” formation, the birds behind the lead bird accomplish more with the same effort than when flying alone. If you want me to be your lead bird, for a minute or for months on end, this blog is for you.