I choked on my halo, fell to Earth, and met some sailors. Here's what happened next.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

The Tale of Happy Fun Loft

Our sophomore year of college, my roommate Hoyden and I seized upon a wild and brilliant idea. We would loft our beds! We'd maximize our floorspace! It would be completely awesome, like a treehouse with booze.

The first step was finding a loft. We rapidly procured one from an off-campus Christian collective for $40. Several "facts" were left out of this "deal."

1. The loft had been stored in some sort of medieval dungeon, and the wood was damp and warped.

2. The loft, a double, was actually the size of a small village.

3. Make that a BIG village.

4. The loft required assembly.

So, once the Christians had departed, it was time for the Stoners. See, down the hall from us, there were these two guys. They were, without a doubt, the most famous people in Alexander Dorm. (Even more famous than the guys who would stay up all night watching pornographic screensavers, and then sleep all day, mostly because the Porno Screensaver guys had all flunked out the year before.)

The Stoners were the only people on the hall with a toolkit. The toolkit was used to construct proceedingly more elaborate pot-smoking equipment. I have a theory that if one-tenth of one percent of the energy devoted to Weed Science was directed toward the other sciences, we'd have cured cancer and colonized Mars by now. They grew pot in their room, held Harvest Festivals, and still achieved GPAs that were approximately double my own.

Hoyden and I seized upon a plan: we would ply the boys with liquor, and they would help us assemble our loft! Flaws in the plan:

The loft was eventually...aloft. Thanks to the warped wood, lack of instructions, consistent errors in spatial relations and the varying levels of sobriety involved, our loft resembled a sort of lumberyard parabola. The slightest of touches would set the whole thing quivering like a porn star gearing up for her big interracial stereo repairman scene.

We dubbed it Happy Fun Loft. Do not taunt Happy Fun Loft. Do not have any sort of active dreams while sleeping in Happy Fun Loft. Do not have any sort of, uh, active in Happy Fun Loft.

The final step was Loft Inspection. We passed with flying colors. Those flying colors being:

1. Screw that minor in Women's Studies! Time to flirt with the inspection guy!

2. Hey, that redhead from Maine thinks you're pretty cute.

3. What? She totally does!

4. We passed? Thank you! Thank you so much! (There may have been a curtsy.)

5. Hoyden, I didn't REALLY pimp you out. It was all implication. A pimplication, if you will. A pimplication for the simplification of our lives.

Happy Fun Loft survived many things. Parties. That time I stood up and vacuumed the quilts. More parties.

And, lastly, what is either the best punchline of any blog post of mine, ever, or, completely abundantly over the line of good taste (stop reading NOW, Skye! Look over here! Otters are awesome.):

I lost my virginity in Happy Fun Loft. The loft didn't wobble, not one little bit.

I spent Winter Break wondering what all the fuss was about.

If you have an even less dignified tale of virginity loss, you are welcome to post it in the comments.

It was one cold, snowy night in January at a cheap motel in suburban Detroit. The thingy in the foil pack ripped. In my hand. As I struggled to open the foil. It was most likely quite old as I had obtained it from a friend. She made no comment, left the room briefly and all went well after that. Bless her forever. And thus I became a man that evening, as they say.

Velvet, I am now even more scared than I was before of being a girl's first. Dear lord. Every fault magnified (except size, apparently!).. Granted, you probably have some pretty valid complaints.. and I'm sure I'm, uh, *slightly* less inept than him. But still. Sorry - I'm a guy, I have to take some homogenous gender pity :(

My first time was pretty sweet. She had been seducing me via naked showering together after we would go hiking or work out, etc. Eventually we were fooling around in bed on like our 10th date, and I knew it was time... I whispered "Fuck me". And we did. Good stuff. Afterwards I was in a good mood. I recall specifically saying "That was fun, let's do it again!".

I could, quite possibly, have you all beat . . . I lost my virginity in a car, in the parking lot of a municipal park, at night, in the winter. In the midst of my deflowering, a cop came and knocked on the window. Frightened by the interruption and fearful of being arrested, my boyfriend grabbed my coat (!) to cover himself, leaving me naked while the cop interrogated me about whether or not I was there of my own volition. The cop told us that we couldn't be there at night and then left with a mild smirk on his face. We continued our journey of mutual virginity loss. Suffice it to say that I don't remember the sex at all.

You know, I don't remember most of the loft construction story, but not because of the white Russians. I think it had more to do with losing my virginity to my future ex-husband and spending all my time with him. I do remember the really sad battery-operated drill we (tried to) use to put the thing together. It was as good at screwing as your stalker was.

And now that I've over shared, I yearned for a loft all through college, but never had the ceiling for it. Which is a bit tragic in that I helped at least a dozen different friends construct them. The guys always overengineered theirs out of hopes of having some sort of hugh hefner-esque lifestyle. You could have parked 18 wheelers on some of those platforms.

That would be allsome: With your orientation packet you'd get a card along the lines of: If you wanted to lose your virginity in High School but were too inept or dorky to consummate, you've been assigned to fellow virgin X in Dorm Y, to have embarrassingly fast sex on Date Z. Please confirm with registration the act has occurred, and the rest of campus will be nformed via school newspaper.

"A and B lost their virginity after the September 21 Semi-formal. THe condom broke"

It was my 19th birthday celebration with a bunch of people I met on a messaging board called "Network Chaos". Enough said with that. Somehow at the end of the night I ended up talking with my best friend's ex-bf who was the moderator and creator of this particular messaging board. We talked about his dog and somehow this lead to sex. In the middle he was surprised to see I was a virgin.

In the morning he said he did me a favor. ha.

Needless to say my best friend and I lost our virginity to the same nerdy guy.