I messed the last two names up anyway

Jealousy is a Green-Eyed Monster, Except My Eyes are Brown

A fair few of my friends either “like” people, or are in relationships and my instinctive reaction is to be happy for them – in fact, it’s the reaction I always feel, because I just want people to be happy.

However, I’m the type of person who’s honest about how they feel, and so it horrified me to realise that I also feel a sick sense of sadness whenever I’m “faced” with it. Whenever I’m told, or whenever I see them together, I feel this muted and nasty envy, this shaky and awful reaction that crawls up my throat and turns my thoughts in on themselves. I hate it, and I almost hate myself for feeling it. I feel guilty, worried that my friends will see and misinterpret it as upset, and then never tell me anything.

I don’t quite hate myself, though: I know where it comes from, and so the energy spent hating myself isn’t worth it; I have far better things to do and there are worse parts of my personality than this. This one is almost understandable.

Today, I came to this realisation when I was doing my History work in my Psychology lesson (I was a rebel and hadn’t been given the Psych textbook). I immediately felt disgusted, asking myself:
“Is that how you feel about your friends? You’d be bloody jealous instead of accepting that they’re blissful, you’re not, and get over it? Is that who you really are, Elm – or do you like either of them? Is that it?”

I began to panic, thoughts whirling in a jumble of confusion, until I came to the conclusion that I was being stupid. I don’t like anyone; I don’t want a relationship, and that’s precisely why the answer is much more simple and causes much less angst than I originally thought.

I miss it. That’s all.

Ever since… Well, ever since I broke up with Aspen (my ex-boyfriend, NOT the blogger) almost a year ago now, “liking” somebody has always been tinged with a kind of fear, or worry. Of course, I’m happy when I do – like with Rapunzel and S – but with both of them, I was always paranoid, and it was broken up by the brief spells of euphoric happiness.

I miss liking someone with carefree innocence. The leaping feeling in my chest, hanging onto their words, looking forward to talking to them, and just feeling like I was in the clouds when I thought of all the things that made them up as a person. It was my heart racing, simply with anticipation, not clouded with any form of terror, and not wondering when it’ll end, when that pocket of beautiful prelude would shatter: when complexities weren’t part of the rulebook.

I no longer have that, and that sad reality is making me feel pretentious and too forlornly poetic to put any thought into solving it.

Since the end of my relationship with S, god, almost three months ago, it feels like I’ve been unable to “like” someone properly. Laurel (a girl who sits next to me in French) is just a passing thing, someone I respect and admire, a fleeting feeling of steadiness mixed with something new, but I can’t see it amounting to anything. I don’t really want it to, because “liking” somebody would be much too damaging for my own mental health.

My self-worth is still abismally low, underlined by the fact that I’ve been feeling awful recently. The whole relationship debacle just increased that to such a point that I can’t, at the moment, get over it and so I can’t have feelings for anybody. It hurts too much, the thought of letting my thoughts run away and tying themselves to someone – “liking” someone isn’t a calculated thing; it just happens, but letting it happen now would pretty much destroy me in the least dramatic way.

I know all this, and I also know that falling in love, having someone’s hand to hold or sharing myself with someone will happen eventually, but not now. I do miss it, though.

I’m not jealous of my friends. I’m more wishing for a feeling that’ right now, is out of reach and that’s alright. It’s not their feelings or relationship that hurts – it’s the fact that I’m incapable of having that. For now.

If you feel jealous of someone, analyse that jealousy. Don’t dismiss yourself as awful, but most times, there’s a lot more to simple jealousy than you’d think. You’re not a bad person for wanting something, but don’t let it consume you, and always remember: you’ll be alright one day. You aren’t alone. Take a step forward, and feel what feelings you want to feel.

Thanks for the advice, I’d never thought of it like that 💕 I’m a little guilty of this too, because I do like someone but we never hang out or talk and he definitely doesn’t like me, whereas my friends always seem to have at least two people fighting over them or more than a little interested in them at all times (my self-confidence is average at best and this isn’t the most encouraging thing to see).

I totally understand that. But remember: yourself worth isn’t defined by who likes you, or by how many people like you. It’s defined by what you do, and who you are, and how you deal with situations 🙂 and I know you know that; I’m just reminding you and myself to. Hang in there XX

Hi there! I’m pretty new here but I stumbled across your blog and I agree with the whole kinda arguing with your feelings things. I know I’m always beating myself up internally over the emotions I can’t control even if I understand them. By the way, I think your writing is really good.

I totally get what you mean! I think I’ve gotten better at not feeling so envious now because I try to appreciate the things I do have rather than covet what other people have. Your advice is quite good and also very true.

Honestly this is so relatable, my ex broke up with me on Boxing Day and funnily enough it’s his 18th birthday today and honestly it kills me inside seeing my friends in relationships and knowing that I haven’t got that anymore

I relate to this so much. My friends are all in relationships or have just finished a relationship and it makes me unhappy to know that I’ve never even been in ONE relationship. I do get jelous, I’ll admit that but I try to conceal it as much as I can. Conceal, don’t feel, Don’t let them know, well now they KNOWWWWW, LET IT GO… (I was signing Let it go btw just i case you were confused!)http://www.lifeinkateish.wordpress.com

You are so bloody awesome I actually can’t! 🙂 But no, I understand how you feel – not for not being in a relationship thing, but the feeling jealous thing. It makes me feel guilty, because everybody else is so happy, but I’m working on it. We’ll both be okay XX

I’m basically just jealous of people all the time and I’m so bad at dealing with it ;-; Mostly I just try and think about things that I CAN actually do and move past it. It’s kind of difficult but like you said at the end, the important thing is to remember that IT WILL BE OKAY ONE DAY ❤

You’re actually so wise omd 😀 I’m a year younger than you, but this time next year, I STILL won’t have any experience with relationships aha. I completely get you, and can relate throughout this whole post though – to the sort of jealousy, and thinking you’re a bad person sort of thing. I’m glad you’ve managed to work it out. And YES everything WILL be OKAY one-day! Thanks for this post Elm 🙂 x

It’s what I’m here for! It makes me happy that you can relate – and it doesn’t matter if you’ve not been in a relationship or anything like that; you understand my feelings. Also, never say never; last year I never thought I could go through the situations I HAVE been through this past year. If someone told me, I would have laughed in their face.

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