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Les Poulpes Miserables*

(Or, *the Octopi of Destitution)

I’m just starting to be able to understand news stories, and what I’ve been able to understand does not disappoint. According to what I was able to gather from tonight’s evening news, a 60-year old guy stole 13 octopi from the local marine association because he was reportedly starving. If it’s true, then it’s a tragic story of elderly poverty in Japan, and I probably should feel badly about it but can’t right now because Lexapro.

Mainly I find the whole thing absurd. Thirteen octopi? Seriously? Octopi are pretty big. How many people was this guy trying to feed? If he’s alone, he can’t possibly eat them all in one sitting, so he’s going to need to store them somehow. Octopi are some of the most intelligent invertebrates who can learn how to open jars and shit, and they’re slippery fuckers to boot. How the hell did a 60 year old guy manage to steal even one, let alone 13? Or were they dead or frozen already?

Anyway now he’s in trouble with the police and owes a bunch of money to the marine association that he probably can’t pay if he was, in fact, stealing octopi for food. He’s like a modern day Jean Valjean, except instead of a French dude stealing bread he’s a semi-elderly Japanese fellow stealing 13 octopi.

I probably would have understood the news report better if I hadn’t been obsessing over the image of a Japanese Hugh Jackman hugging a slippery octopus to his chest as he barrels through the streets of Paris with tentacles dragging after him.