Musings on the Most Ridiculous Band I Can't Stop Listening To

“Elvis, I cannot back that plan. Jenkins, while slothful and confused, is a loyal man. He serves Nixon, and that means he serves America.”

“DO TH’ WATUSI, BOY!”

“Stop it, Elvis. Jenkins, get out. You’re riling up the King.”

“Should I still get the doctor, sir?”

“INFORM TH’ DOCTOR THAT MAH HEEBIES ARE NO LONGER ACTING UP.”

“Yes, sir.”

“NEVER INTERRUPT ME, BOY! MAH JEEBIES ARE IN OVERDRIVE!”

“Are they two diseases, sir?”

“NIX, YER BOY ABOUT T’ GET KARATE ALL OVER HISSELF.”

“Dammit, Jenkins, get out!”

“Yes, sir.”

“Ignore him, Elvis.”

“IGNORE WHO, NIX?”

“You live entirely in the present, don’t you?”

“LESS TALK ABOUT NAZIS, MAN.”

“National Socialism? That’s the worst kind of socialism, and that’s saying something. It’s like being the ugliest girl in Trenton, New Jersey.”

“AH DO SO APPRECIATE YER SIMILES.”

“The Nazi is the lowest of men, and must be destroyed. Foul and perverse people, Nazis.”

“WORSE THAN TH’ COMMIES?”

“No question. Not even a contest. Nazis are evil. Communists aren’t evil, just wrong. Nothing good about a Nazi. You don’t treat Jews that way, Elvis. You don’t have to let them in your country club, but you shouldn’t round them up.”

“THROUGH MAH TRAVELS IN HOLLYWOOD AN’ SHOW BUSINESS, AH HAVE MET MANY JEWISH PEOPLE AN’ EATEN MANY OF THEIR FINE SAN’WICHES.”

“Yes, their sandwiches are enormous. I can’t watch Kissinger eat lunch. It’s like watching a python swallow a deer.”

“BEFORE THE JEWS, NO ONE EVER THOUGHT TO PUT A PICKLE NEXT TO YOUR LUNCH. NOW WHEN AH HAVE SAN’WICHES OF A GENTILE NATURE, AH START LOOKIN’ ROUND THE ROOM FOR A JEW T’ BRING ME A PICKLE.”

…

“What the hell were we talking about?”

“NO IDEA, NIX, BUT NOW AH’M HUNGRY.”

“I can, uh, have the White House chef make you anything you’d like.”

“DOES HE HAVE A DEEP FRYER?”

“I believe so.”

“LEAD ME TO HIM, NIX. AH HAVE MANY SPECIFIC DEMANDS.”

“Let’s go.”

“YOU EVER HAVE A FLUFFERNUTTER FRITTER?”

“I don’t even know what that is, Elvis.”

“OH, MAN, YOUR MOUTH IS GONNA SHIT YOUR PANTS.”

“I, uh, enjoy your metaphors, Elvis.”

“NIX, YER MAH GUY. LESS GO ON A ROAD TRIP.”

“Nixon and Elvis in a Cadillac blasting across America, getting into adventures and discovering the meaning of friendship?”