Poetry, Thoughts, Stories…

Health Setback… Again

Six months is up so I went back to the doctor. He was going to perform a cryo procedure but couldn’t. Things were a lot worse inside than even six months ago. So doing the procedure would not have made sense. He decided to put me on antibiotics for a week to try to cut down on the inflammation and instead of a cryo do a colposcopy instead and send it to biopsy.

At 33 going on soon to be 34 we all know when we hear biopsy what we think. Especially at this age and anything cervical. Since I’ve never had any children it also makes that thought seem even further away if even at all…

Since I was alone for so long I convinced myself I wasn’t going to have kids anyway because who would I have them with? But now in a new relationship it’s like … your bad health news can now affect someone else potentially in the long run. How do you tell someone who also doesn’t have kids hey if you plan to stick around well… no kids for us… No one really wants to have THAT conversation but to be fair to the other person obviously they should know that that is a real possibility.

Aside from which it’s such a new relationship even though he tells me I can talk to him about anything I try NOT to because I don’t want to burden him with all my “things”. I don’t want the relationship to feel heavy I like that it’s happy and not “weighed down” and want it to stay that way. I feel like I’ve come a fair distance from how dark things were before and I don’t want this to get mired in those feelings. So I try to minimize in a way what goes on in day to day life is things are bothering me because he has a life too and we’re already so far from each other.

But I was really depressed with how things went today and also just fed up and frustrated because it has been pretty much all my life I’ve had to deal with these problems which have gotten progressively worse.

Luckily I have the best doctor in the country probably even in the Caribbean and his specialized area is cervical cancer so I can’t be in any better hands.

But I’m tired of always taking medication and now they’ve decided I should stay on a particular one FOR GOOD. All of these meds make you feel sick as well and I have a very busy life so being sick is just not something I can afford to be.

Right now I’m frustrated and depressed and anxious because now I’m waiting again to see if they can do the other procedure / then wait for results/ then see if he wants or needs to do any other procedure and when can that take place…

I would love to go to ITALY.. I need to learn how to do the whole coinunicatmmg with my hands thing they have going on there. Plus the history, beauty and food is all wonderful. Honestly though, I would also take Ireland, England, France, Greece or Spain. 😉