wicked garden state

‘Bridgegate’ Still A Thing, Chris Christie To Still Never Be President

Remember that stupid New Jersey state government scandal when “someone” in New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie’s office possibly orchestrated lane closures on the George Washington Bridge, just to punish a suburban mayor? We finally have the culprits!

David Wildstein, who had been a senior Christie appointee to the Port Authority of New York and New Jersey, pleaded guilty to two counts of conspiracy at a U.S. district court in Newark. He was released on his own recognizance on a $100,000 bond. The judge in the case cited his cooperation with prosecutors for the release term. Sentencing is set for August.

Wildstein’s plea deal was actually signed in January, which may have given the U.S. attorneys time to get their act together for today’s indictment of the other members of Christie’s Three Brusque-eteers: former Port Authority Deputy Executive Director Bill Baroni and Bridget Kelly, Christie’s former Deputy Chief of Staff. What trivial piece of political malfeasance did they fail to get away with?

Back in 2013, the three officials allegedly conspired to slow rush hour traffic from Fort Lee, New Jersey, to the George Washington Bridge by shutting down two of the town’s feeder lanes. The scheme wasn’t to prevent some rugged blue-collar worker from getting to work on time, thus resulting in a firing that would inspire the greatest Springsteen song ever (with special credit given to Christie in the liner notes). Nope. Instead motorists were punished as retribution for Fort Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich’s sin of not supporting Christie in the upcoming gubernatorial election.

In his allocution, Wildstein admits conspiring to punish Sokolich. This includes the crew’s decision to pick the first day of school as the first day for the lane closures in order to achieve Maximum Dickishness.

While the U.S. attorney would not comment on related investigations or anything regarding the governor, Wildstein has consistently maintained that Christie knew about the closures (which at least shows Wildstein doesn’t think we’re all total idiots).

Christie’s response is probably, “David Who? Oh you mean the guy I went to high school with and appointed to a $150,000/year. Port Authority position? Yeah, I vaguely remember the name. But he sat with the nerds while I sat with the jocks and dated Brooke Shields.” Or something.

This is a real shame for Christie, because even though there’s nothing from the U.S. Attorney’s office indicating Christie knew about it, and a bipartisan legislative panel found in December that there was no “definitive” proof that he was involved, it still doesn’t help Christie’s presidential aspirations to have his cronies admit they were running this criminal scheme right out of his office. What poor timing. Didn’t you just feel the presidential star of this plucky everyman was about to take off? Didn’t you? Guys? Hello?

Will there be a commission appointed to investigate the commission that completely absolved Christie?

PubOption

You see that guy Guido in the left background of the photo? He’ll take care of it.

OrdinaryJoe

Jabba the Glutt eats aides, bridge and own presidential ambitions.

Nounverb911

..

CriticalDragon1177

See it wasn’t Chris Christie who caused the traffic slow down, it was the giant radioactive mutant dinosaur! LOL!

Vecciojohn

The thought of this cartoon on national TV spots in the general election is why the Party will never give Chris the nod.

elviouslyqueer

But he sat with the nerds while I sat with the jocks and dated Brooke Shields.”

“Not even for all the La-Z-Boy commercial residuals in the world, sweet cheeks.” — Brooke Shields, yesterday

CalvinianChoice

When he was 17, she was 14. Sounds right.

Nounverb911

Not a chance….

Wee Mousie

When Christie was 17 he was dating Rosie Palm.

JMPesq

But we know Christie himself is totally innocent, because the investigation conducted by Chris Christie proved that Chris Christie had nothing to do with the bridge shutdown.

CriticalDragon1177

Yeah I know. There “couldn’t” possibly be any corruption or conflict of interest there.

Vecciojohn

Hey, if you can’t trust Chris Christie to investigate Chris Christie who can you trust?

FlownOver

Hitler? I heard the answer around here is always “Hitler.”

david green

You can’t believe everything you hear – but in this case you are correct.

bobbert

Kirby Delauter?

fawkedifiknow

“The Other Shoe is About to Drop” or, “Waiting for Mr. Goodyear (Blimp).”

RoyalUglyDude

We finally have the culprits scapegoats!

Nounverb911

Too late, Christie just ate them.

CriticalDragon1177

Matt Carpenter,

I personally hope that none of the current GOP hopefuls ever gets to be our president.

cleanfront

Like a bridge over polluted waters, I will never lay me Cheetos down.

MrBlobfish

I assumed being a dick was something the base could relate to.

Villago Delenda Est

That was the key to all his Presidential ambitions…to be as big a dick as possible, especially to teachers, to pander to the base.

Villago Delenda Est

Oh, Outlaw Joisey Whale? That smell you’ve been picking up for the last year or so? Yeah, it’s still your crusts, burning.

Whale Chowder

All the upfists for Outlaw Joisey Whale.

whatwhomever

Hilariously, it’s not the appearance of corruption that prevents Christie from being a viable candidate. It’s that the republican base perceives him as too liberal. That, and the fact that he touched Obama and got Obama cooties on him.

Ruhe

The further irony is that he’d probably pick up some Repub votes if he owned the whole thing Capo style.

Jen_Baker_VA

He could just claim Obama made him do it. That should get him votes!

AnOuthouse

It was required to receive Sandy aid.

whatwhomever

Works for Rick Perry!

MrBlobfish

Not Jesusy enough, either.

MikeyArmstrong

As a Floridian living under a second Rick Scott term, I know how much corruption matters to the bagger base.

Sorry, but Gov. Christie strike me as the kind of guy who (to quote Dick Williams about former Oakland A’s owner Charles Finley) “likes to have everyone in his employ under his thumb. Then he pushes as hard as he can to keep them down.”

Relativicus

“Thanks for the nod, fella!”

Spotts1701

Sorry, but Gov. Christie strike me as the kind of guy who (to quote Dick Williams about former Oakland A’s owner Charles Finley) “likes to have everyone in his employ under his thumb. Then he pushes as hard as he can to keep them down.”

Vecciojohn

This complete and total exoneration of Chris Christie is great news and I hope all of you libtards are thoroughly ashamed of yourselves for jumping on the back of a great statesman who was blindsided by a perfidious erstwhile friend. At least now Governor Christie will have time to help OJ look for the real killer.

Villago Delenda Est

OK, you cribbed from our Sarah’s statement on the results of the “Troopergate” investigation, didn’t you? ‘Fess up!

Vecciojohn

The good ones copy. The great ones steal.

Blank Ron

Please. It’s ‘research.’

Wee Mousie

It’s actually from “The Fugitive.”

Sarah just changed “one-armed man” to “real truth.”

AnOuthouse

Do you write for Morning Ho?

Thaumaturgist

Yes, David rolled but protected Chris, so Dacid is cool with Chris.

Now the buck has been passed to Bridget Kelly and Bil Baroni. And the USDA rolls on.

say wha

“…his cronies admit they were running this criminal scheme right out of his office.” Say, you know who else allowed his political cronies to run a criminal scheme right out of his office?

Villago Delenda Est

Well, it wasn’t Richard Nixon. He DIRECTED the criminal scheme right out of the Oval Office.

Jen_Baker_VA

Ruppert Murdoch? The Foreign born living in china “news” owner who Australia won’t take back, the meanies?

Vecciojohn

You know, we’ve been pretty tolerant of the Aussies for a long time now. We’ve put up with their loud, obnoxious voices at airports all over the world and we didn’t even invade them to retaliate for sending that Crocodile Dundee fucknuts over here. So you better listen to your Uncle Sammy, mates, if you know which side your didgeridoo is barbied on, and take old Pruneface back. Nice little continent full of evolution’s bad jokes you got there. Be a shame if something happened to it. http://dicktracy.wikia.com/wiki/Pruneface

Thaumaturgist

Australia listened to Uncle Sam in Korea, Vietnam, Kuwait, Afghanistan and Iraq. As far as Uncle Sam is concerned,that’s enough.

Beaumarchais?

Apologies for the pointless deaths and meaningless sacrifice. Every nation needs allies who don’t go along with its worst ideas.

nmmagyar

And their fucking snakes ruined on of the most beautiful islands on the planet – Guam. I feel about Aussies the way you do about Canadian Whiskey.

Relativicus

Right? Fuck those Aussies…

Vecciojohn

Dubya?

Relativicus

Scott Walker. Obviously.

Me not sure

Ooooooh,..me, me, me…I know. Ronald Reagan!

dslindc

All of them, Katie!

Relativicus

The funny thing is, he’ll never — not in 1 million years, 8 months, 9 days, and 16 hours — ever be able to bloviate away the Obama-stink from Hurricane Sandy no matter how many poor people he knuckles between now and the primaries. These people are not worried about criminal indictments that are all conspiracies against God, good-fearing conservatives, which is something he is not, because of Obama-stink! But that Obama-stink will hang off him like so much bacon fat (that’s been dipped in Obama) for the rest of his days. Best to challenge Obvious Anagram Reince Priebus (thanks, Charlie Pierce!) for RNC chairman where he can really get his jowls a’rockin’ and his blubber a’flyin’.

chicken thief

True that. If their base gave a shit about indictments Christie, Walker, nor Perry would be in the race. I doubt that a fat fuck from NJ would play well in the fly over states anyway, but that Sandy hug – he might as well have blown a goat in Times Square.

Relativicus

I even think they’d forgive the goat-blowing before they’d forgive The Stink.

nmmagyar

Yeah, he could “Find Jesus” to ask for forgiveness over blowing the odd goat or 7, but working with Pres. Obama for the good of the people he allegedly represents is a bridge too far.

BearGHAZI

You forget that by mid 2016 legal gay marriage will have so deteriorated Americans’ concept of ‘abomination’ that goat blowing in Times Square or perhaps Ground Zero will be required of all candidates, unofficially if not legally

beatbort

Goat blowing. It’s the NEW Iowa corn dog.

Portia Elm

We would have to make him MARRY the goat, you realize…

crunchyknee

The 38 dimensional chess playing time traveling droner in chief had this all sorted out in 1948 in order to make a clearer path for Ms. Clinton.

Mehmeisterjr

I wish he would use some of his 38 dimensional skills to do something about Rick Scott, the satanicLaurel to Christies slobbering Hardy.

Ergoetal

I’m guessing they’ll take the fall for the fat man, get a slap or two on the wrist, and he’ll get away with it.

No fat guy can get elected President. But there is a tipping point of fatness, that has not yet been delineated, and until that point is realized, guys like Christie will continue to run.

Historians looking back in time at this election, will have to ask themselves; how fat was he? And history will be the great decider. In point of fact, he was so fat, when he walked he made the record player skip, at the radio station. Or perhaps they will point out that the alligator on his shirt was real. Or that he was born with a silver shovel in his mouth, (or perhaps it was a silver fish). How fat was he, they might ask? He was so fat, when I told him I wanted pigs in a blanket for breakfast, he jumped into bed. He was so fat, when he sat on a rainbow, Skittles shot out. He was so fat, they might say that smaller fat guys orbited around him. Or perhaps that he was so fat, they were considering giving him his own zip code. Or maybe he was so fat, he was so fat, he was… Oh, Jesus, I made myself sick.

These are questions that will have to be answered by those with the benefit of hindsight.

Taft and Cleveland were from a different America, when obesity suggested well being in a nation of plenty.

Think of the origins of Thanksgiving, while other nations were celebrating Solstices and the like, running around screaming in sexual hysteria, indiscriminately fucking each other for a good harvest, our Puritan forefathers were eating and eating and eating until the food was backed up in their goddamn gullets, and then they’d go shit their guts out like bloody rhinos and plan for the next round of exterminations of indigenous peoples.

Our forefathers were racist scoundrels who hated life and all they wanted for us was to be horribly obese like Chris Christie. We are nothing less than their evil cubs.

Wee Mousie

Wrong word choice, instead of “plucky” every man, you should have used another word which, by the way, does rhyme with “plucky, or even closer to “plucker.”.