TIPS FOR SHY GUYS WITH VALENTINES

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone, and to all you shy guys out there with sweaty palms and short attention spans: I feel your pain.

The insecurity for you on this day is excruciating. If there’s a woman in your life, you think that she thinks you should do something really romantic, and that usually ends like an egg that goes splat on the kitchen floor.

I’m no expert on relieving your anxiety. I’ve dreaded this day ever since I started slipping those silly little cut-out valentines into Debbie Artman’s shoebox in the second grade. But if you guys want to put some romance in your life on this day, I’ve looked up a few lines from the masters. You may want to pay attention.

“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. That’s what I hope to give you, forever.”

Trust me, guys, whisper that in her ear and you may not have to empty the garbage until at least Saturday.

If you want something from a more masculine flick, go to “For Love of the Game” when pitcher Billy Chapel (Kevin Costner) fetches Jane Aubrey (Kelly Preston) in a New York City airport on the morning after he pitches a perfect game.

“Last night should have been the happiest day of my life but it wasn’t, because you weren’t there. I’m not telling you this to make you stay, or change your mind, but I want you to know that I know that I need you.”

Tell her that over a candlelight dinner, boys, and you’ll be completely forgiven for spilling red wine all over the tablecloth.

Of course, the jackpot of all movie romance lines comes from the final scene in “When Harry Met Sally,” when Harry (Billy Crystal) tells Sally (Meg Ryan):

“I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend a day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

I know, that’s pretty heady stuff for all you unromantic guys whose shoelaces come untied four times a day. Sniff, sniff.

But when you feel like letting it all hang out, when you want to cover her with charm and finally make an impression that’ll last till next February, turn to a classic:

“The hours I spend with you I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, a dim twilight, and a fountain singing to it. You and you alone make me feel that I am alive. Other men, it is said, have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough.” — Irish novelist George Moore.

If you have a short memory and just can’t absorb all this, I suggest you stick to the basics, but try to add a little panache.