Blending In

I occasionally wonder whether being “properly dressed” is determined by reference to normative standards or relative ones. As with many legal questions, the answer is, It depends.

While there are normative standards for attire, at the end of the day, proper dress is about respect for your host. You should dress the way that your host expects to see you dressed. Sometimes your host is, literally, a human who has invited you over; sometimes your host is an institution populated by invitees who, collectively, establish a dress code.

When one goes to court as an advocate, the general expectation is that one will wear a dark suit. But that expectation varies depending on the particular court, the nature of the proceeding, and the purpose for which you are appearing. Added on top of that is a tactical consideration: When you are an out-of-towner, you don’t want to look like one. You want to blend in and, importantly, you don’t want to show anyone up.

I had a hearing several weeks ago in the family law division of a Maryland state trial court. Neither the court nor the proceeding was familiar to me. In an attempt to fit in, I decided not to wear a suit. Instead, I wore this jumper and jacket combination with boots. One of my colleagues wore a simple dark suit with a light blouse; the other wore separates.

I thought we were passing for regulars. And then one of the lawyers before us on the docket addressed the court in a cardigan. Later that morning, we saw a supervising attorney address the court in a jacket, leggings, and riding boots.

Chatty lawyers in the courtroom and the halls asked us where we were from — confirming our suspicions that we weren’t blending in as well as we thought we would.

Disappointment; failed attempt at camouflage

Directrice = Master of Disguise

Due to a vexing disagreement between two judges and the clerk’s office about whether a period of time had, or had not, run, our hearing was continued and we had to return the following week.

Grossly inconvenient, and yet . . . a chance to redeem oneself.

This time, I decided to wear mismatched separates: a black corduroy blazer and black pants . . . of different color values.

I figured that the corduroy was perhaps too casual, but that it might be mis-read as velvet — which would be another type of faux pas (evening wear and thus too dressy) and therefore could still serve my ultimate purpose.

Perhaps my effort was too subtle.

But nevertheless, there is something worthy of discussion here and it is: mis-matched blacks.

My corduroy (velvet) jacket is a deep, dark, infinite black. By comparison, my black trousers look off-black. But they work well together with a black sweater under the jacket; the sweater is the same deep black as the jacket.

There’s something happening here

Now on to accessories. I admire women who are capable of mixing and layering necklaces. This is not an area of strength for me, but I am attempting to learn.

Layering necklaces does not = a core competency of The Directrice

I bought a pearl pendant necklace at Tabandeh in Washington D.C. a few years ago and stopped by recently to ask what else I could wear it with. Sometimes it looks forlorn on its own.

The owner draped a number of necklaces around my neck — all very beautiful — to show me various layering concepts and options.

For all her effort, she gave me an idea that she may not have intended: I should look in my own jewelry box!

Guess what I found at home: my grandmother’s diamond solitaire and her Celtic cross. Two viable candidates for layering that I had never previously thought about layering with other necklaces. Cost to me: Zero.

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9 thoughts on “Blending In”

I can’t believe I actually exist: I truly imagined from your explanation that the Tabandeh owner had intended to help and inspire you, not to sell you an additional something. Ah well, one chooses one own experience of the world in many ways, I imagine.

Hello J! You may be absolutely correct! I certainly did not mean to suggest that I felt pressured to buy anything. One of the things I like about this store is that all of the staff are knowledgeable and enthusiastic about the pieces they carry, and happy to answer questions. A few weeks after fishing through my own jewelry box, I returned to Tabandeh and bought a different necklace (possibly for layering, am not sure) — good customer service yields loyalty.

It’s a big, busy court — so I have to think the cast of characters changes daily. Perhaps we transgressed some local custom in the way we approached the clerk. There did seem to be one lawyer acting as The Mayor, but I think he was self-appointed. He was there representing a wronged (allegedly) husband in a divorce proceeding and promised us a full afternoon of testimony and evidence — including a sex tape — if we stuck around.

I really like the “mismatched” blacks when they’re different textures — I think you talked about this before, with the well dressed woman from the future at a department store? And that pearl pendant is gorgeous! It has a great sheen against all the blacks.

Maybe the mismatchedness working depends on the difference in the textures and fabrics of the blacks. Like success with the layering of necklaces depends on… the depending pendants? Sorry I’m being silly here. I enjoyed the descriptions of your family law day out. We had a training session here once that was titled ‘Family Lawyers Big Day Out’, name inspired by a local annual music festival called ‘The Big Day Out’.

I’m a total fan of wearing head to toe black, especially now since my hair is steel grey.

I love the concept of dressing for your host, no matter the occasion – there is consideration and respect in dressing appropriately!

I recently had to bust a male student at our school for wearing a sleeveless torn t-shirt that showed side cleavage and underarm hair… I felt compelled in this teachable moment to illustrate the very concept you mentioned… “If you respect your school, your fellow classmates and the professionals who work so hard to provide an excellent education for you – you will not choose to wear that particular garment.”