PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

WASHINGTON—Admitting that it might be nice to just relax and take it easy over the next several weeks, Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 83, was reportedly debating Friday whether to cancel her upcoming winter vacation plans to scale the world’s second-highest mountain, K2.

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

CEDAR PLAINS, PA—After years of delays and mounting criticism from voters and political pundits, President Barack Obama finally followed through on a campaign promise he made in 2008 to spend one night alone in the abandoned Cedar Plains Family Fun amusement park, sources confirmed Wednesday.

ST. PAUL, MN—Wondering how anyone could read the articles in such publications and not recognize them as “total establishment propaganda,” local man Mark Furlong, a longtime reader of Lib-Slaves.info, told reporters Monday he was sick and tired of the obvious mainstream biases on news sites like WideAwakePatriot.com.

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

LOS ANGELES—Citing statistics that showed a sharp decline in the number of pageviews and unique users over the past week, media industry observers noted Thursday that traffic to Breitbart.com, the right-wing current affairs and opinion website, has continued to fall as more readers begin getting their news analysis from graffiti scrawled throughout their neighborhoods.

ASHINGTON—In an effort to honor the “sweet-ass” legacy of a hair metal band that he said “totally fucking shreds,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly snuck into the Oval Office early Thursday to forge President Obama’s signature on an executive order that would officially recognize December as Dokken History Month.

WASHINGTON—Saying the new effort would help them make critical inroads with low-income rural voters following a stunning election loss last week, the Democratic National Committee announced the launch of a new Hamilton-inspired web series Tuesday starring Lena Dunham intended to connect with working-class Americans and address their most pressing concerns.

NERCHINSK, RUSSIA—Quickly unlocking one cell door after another as he shuffled down the dimly lit hallway in his tattered prison-issued jumpsuit, a gaunt, weathered Secretary of State John Kerry led an inmate uprising Tuesday in a remote Siberian labor camp, sources confirmed.

DENVER—Growing increasingly unsettled at the president-elect’s choice of advisors and the prospect of life under a Donald Trump administration, local resident Paul Austin told reporters Monday he was at the point where the thought of Reince Priebus controlling the White House was actually fairly comforting.

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

NEW YORK—Declaring that they would work tirelessly to hold both figures to account, the nation’s media outlets pledged Thursday that they would not relent in providing evenhanded criticism of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton over the next four years.

ITHACA, NY—In the hours since the Republican nominee’s stunning election to the nation’s highest office Tuesday night, reports have confirmed that, regardless of circumstance, it is not even remotely close to okay to act like Donald Trump.

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they felt completely depleted after spending the past 36 hours contemplating a Donald Trump presidency, Americans across the country admitted Thursday they were unsure whether they would have enough revulsion and horror left in them to agonize over his forthcoming cabinet and court appointments.

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McCain Stares At Screen, Attempts To Write Family Christmas Letter

SEDONA, AZ—After procrastinating for several hours by watching It's A Wonderful Life and old John Wayne movies, former Republican presidential nominee John McCain finally sat down at the computer to type his annual "Christmas Bulletin" to friends and family early this afternoon, but found himself completely blocked. "They say you're never too old to learn," McCain slowly typed before pausing, reading the sentence over, and tapping the backspace key until it was deleted. Forty-five minutes later, after two aborted attempts to compose the letter from the point of view of the family cat, Oreo, and another about what 2009 held in store for the McCain clan, the Arizona senator took a break to make a cup of hot cocoa and listen to the grandfather clock ticking in the background. "Jesus," McCain mumbled. "Jesus Christ." McCain returned to the den around 5:30 p.m., at which point he placed a fresh stack of candy-cane stationery in the printer, stared at the screen for another 10 minutes, and finally decided to go to sleep for a long, long time.