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How to Ask a Girl Out (the 8 Great Steps to "Yes!")

A little after I'd turned 14 years old, I asked a girl out for the first time. I walked up to her in front of the entire school, and flat out asked her to go to the school dance at the end of the year with me.

She was the prettiest, most popular girl in school, and she'd flirted with me and chased after me hard for close to a year -- in fact, she'd already asked me out about 6 months earlier (I'd been too scared to say "yes"). But by the time I finally asked her out, she'd largely given up on me -- the window had passed, and she'd moved on.

I didn't know about escalation windows at the time, though I guessed something like that might be the case -- and sure enough, she said "no," albeit in a very socially gracious way. She told me she wanted "to be friends first," which I knew meant we weren't going to the dance together.

The reason I share this story with you is because what I want to talk about with you in this post today is how to ask a girl out -- and my 14 year old self got it all wrong. I'd been planning to write a post on this for some time, but a reader just wrote in asking about this one specifically -- so, I'll put this one off no longer. He says:

“Man chase I really have been in a funk lately. I'm back in school and I feel like a social retard now lol! I need some advice, I really need help with asking girls out on dates and what that actually looks like you know? I'm reading your articles and a lot of it is making sense but closing the deal and getting dates is weird for me. I guess I really haven't actually asked a girl out on a proper date before my last GF I got with because I was able to escalate things with her fast.”

Hey brother, I'm glad to oblige. In answer to your question, I present to you (and all the other cats out there with the same thing on their minds) this post, which will teach you -- emphatically, unequivocally, and without fluff, huff, or pomp of any kind -- how to ask a girl out... and always (or almost always, anyway!) get a "yes."

About the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.

Primarily because there's a big delay in texting, and you want to avoid that pregnant feeling in the air of, "Okay, I know he's going to ask, he's just building up to it..."

So you just get it out there right away and avoid any awkwardness. In phone, it happens fast, so you can progress things normally from a conversational standpoint and let it unfold a little more first and get buy-in before scheduling it up.

new poster, just saying that your stuff is helpful. That is all :)
I see this as a way of repairing our social anxiety and ill-adjusted social behaviours. "Inner Game", as the silly PUA guys call it. I stopped reading that stuff when I turned 16. 22 Now and got my first 'crush' in 2 years. What a doozie that can be at such a young inexperienced age

hello well it is seem that like this girl in rotc who help me with 30 command and i want to get something for and i want to like to be my girlfriend and want to ask her out so i have facebook and i want her to be my facebook friend wjth her so what do think i should do get her a gift like camera phone or chocolates or something else

Ok, first u need to know that u r so lucky to have ROTC. I was looking all over for it and I wanted to join. Anyways, here's what u do. Don't do anything to serious. And if she's real serious about ROTC then try to be friends and get to know her better. Once she's comfertable with u or she's not serious then do this. Say " hey, thanks for (what she helped u with) it really ment alot to me, mabye I could take u out for lunch sometimes to return the favor." or something like that. If she says something that sounds like a no, try something different. But don't wig out and be all crazy. And again, if she's serious about ROTC get to be her friend and then ask her.

Hey Chase I just had a question. Great article by the way! Anyway, wouldn't you say that before a guy tries to ask girls out on dates, that he should be adept socially with all types of people first? I would say that I'm lacking socially with people in general. Should a guy first practice his social skills in general and then move up to asking women out? Thanks

im no expert at this, but after reading the advice, i say you should avoid texts because it makes them feel a bit angry... if you call her, stay calm and have a simple plan. when she says yes, just keep having a conversation with her. I think what chase was saying was they judge on emotions and if you get too excited or give them a vibe you don't care as much, the girl would go on some emotional cycle of anger, sadness, or hysteria, even. i have 4 sisters and they all hate getting texts asking them out. good luck with whoever you ask out, and try to keep it simple.

ps: dont call her between
9:30 pm and 8:45 [thats when it feels over controling ] i have a coupla friends who did that and she yelled at him for not letting her sleep or not letting her wake up completely.

Today I realize it has most to do with the "escalation window" Chase often talks about.

I had barely spoken with this girl at my spanish language school and our first real interaction was my asking her out, something I did impulsively and that was so "NOT ME". She ended up losing her virginity with me

Some months later I asked (IN PERSON) a very similar girl (in terms of personality) and that I met at the same language school in the same exact way, with the exception that I had spent a lot of time small-talking and be nice and conversational etc.. she answered "I don't know, I have a lot to do" and then went cold. Basically she answered No.

Of course I hadn't read anything like the articles on this website or other PickUp and Masculinity material like I am doing now.

I just get now that the difference between the two situations was the timing.

QUICK QUESTION: what if she says maybe or i'll think about it. do you wait for her to make a decision, or remind her about it every day or something like that? Maybe even tell her to make up your mind right now!!!..lol joking.

and...

the part where you said don't talk about the date when she says yes.... only if you need to know her schedule right???

Yeah, I second Migz on "maybe"... it's a roundabout way for girls to say "no" when they're afraid they might hurt your feelings. They are, basically, trying to be nice, but for guys who haven't learned to read between the lines on what women are really saying yet, it can be confusing. I know I used to get really excited when I'd get a "maybe" from a girl... it took me a few of these to start realizing "maybe" meant "not gonna happen."

On talking about the date -- right. Once she says yes, set out schedule and basic logistics -- e.g., you'll meet Sunday at 1 PM at XYZ location -- and nothing beyond that. Don't start discussing where you'll go afterward, or your plan for the date, or ask her if she's ever been to this place or that place before. Just what time you're meeting, and where you're meeting, and nothing else about the date, to give you the smoothest sailing possible and avoid bogging her down with details and making the date feel like a chore she'll have to think hard about and have second thoughts over agreeing to. Make it easy for her to just schedule it in and show up, and she likely will.

I can't say I agree. I'm not going to read the responses to this, but I asked my best friend out in Early March, and was met with a Maybe. She told me that she wasn't sure right then, but it didn't mean it wasn't possible later.

He posted that in JUNE not September, just over three months sure, but still, didn't get to Sep. And I know THIS is 2014, cos I only just found this site, but at least I can read dates (lol no pun intended, especially not one that bad :P) also, I hate trying to type on a phone!

i have really liked this girl since ages, and recently i had a chance to hang out with her to grab some lunch. We taked and stuff but it got really akward at times , maybe because i was really nervous... she use to text me alot but recently the texts are not as mucch , just causal small converstions. What would you advise me to do?

Hey chase, there is this girl I like and I asked her out. This is what I said.
me: can I ask you a question
her:sure
me: would you like to go out sometime?
Her: um I'm not Really dating right now.

It made me sad because I really like her. Does this mean she will never go out with me?
I can't tell if she likes me or not. I've talked to her a couple times. She laughs and stuff but I don't know if she feels the same way about me.

Well, first off, I admire your audacity! I know it's hard when you ask out a girl you like a lot for the first time.

It sounds like she's not really open to seeing you, but that might just be because the way you asked was a little bit awkward. There's no reason for you not to try again -- but, just, a little smoother next time. Go through this article, follow the advice lain out above, and hopefully the next time around you'll get a "yes."

If she won't go out with you and you've asked her out a few times, it's safe to say she doesn't feel the same way, and you should get on with meeting new women. There are plenty of women out there who'll like you -- you've just got to meet them.

Quick question. There's this girl I've been talking to who I got VERY intimate with on the first date (only thing that stopped us was the rent a cop patrolling the area that spotted the car). We've been out since then and I've been using the persistence tactic to shoot for date 3, that I think I'm closing on soon. Only reason im pushing for date 3 is because i really like the girl. A lot of the things you write about kind of come 2nd nature to me, (i.e the sexy man persona) but this one's boggled my mind dude...

I invited her over to my place for drinks and a "workout session"(I'm a personal trainer) she said her work schedule is swamped this week (she works nights) and I rebuttled stating then that's exactly what she needs after all that work. She agreed and said she thinks so too but "doesn't wan to make any promises" because she may just wanna chill at home and unwind. I rebuttled back saying something along the lines of "oooo ouch. Haha. [her name] you hurt me so. Chilling at home over sex therapy? Baaad :p" and told her to think on it in a humorous way. As of now I'm waiting for a response (I'm a busy guy so I prefer text). Bottom line is I'm convinced this girl likes aggressive, persistent yet nonchalant guys based on how I've acted. What I want to know now is this - I've got two clients that cancelled their sessions this week leaving me free mid to late afternoon. I'm thinking I shoot her a text stating these days and how ive got the free time and think we should chill at mine, or just wait until her work clears up and see if she's still up for drinks later (Which I think is too long for the attraction window).

Good article. I am now 31 and have never asked a girl out. That is pretty sad I know...but, whatever. Now, I am not ugly or anything, actually extremely handsome (being honest) so I have been asked out several times...thus getting into my 2 long term relationships which I have had since I was around 21. I had 2 girlfriends before that in high school, which also both asked me out. Now, these girls asked me out and I said yes, though several were just not good for me hence why I broke up with them. I think I pretty missed the whole window and "dating scene"...in fact, I have NEVER done the dating scene but now find myself single and no real clue what to do. It's pretty hard to meet people as I work remotely for my job and live in a smaller city where it seems most people my age are married/divorce or with kids, of which I have none of, so have resorted to online CRAP, but even that doesn't work. I am a nice guy and have obviously had long term working relationships, but now find myself in a quite peculiar position of never having experienced the dating scene. Probably similar situation are those who got married early and now divorced, thus never being exposed to the dating scene. I'm sure there are others in my situation. The thing is, I have no real clue of how to read "signs" from girls. Sigh.

Bad: you're getting a late start in the dating world, haven't learned to read which women are interested, and you're in a location with limited options.

Good: you're good-looking, women obviously like you, and you're still young (in my opinion, men are most desirable to the widest swath of women from somewhere between 27 and 45, depending on the guy. e.g., I have much better success at 28 with girls who are 20 years old than I did when I was, say, 23, and could only get older women).

Starting out, you should operate under the assumption that all women are interested in you. Particularly if you're a really good-looking guy, that shouldn't be too far from the truth ;) Even if it was, it's a good mindset to start with because it's going to get you meeting more women and building up more reference points than if you didn't.

One thing you might consider if you're working remotely is relocating. Can you do your job from elsewhere? Possibly even consider asking your job if they'll support you relocating. Location helps a lot -- when you've got a continuous supply of new, attractive women, it makes it much easier to learn faster.

So, you're starting at a handicap in skill, but you've got some assets -- looks, likability, relationship success, and age -- that are going to allow you to progress faster than some men will. Being accustomed to women chasing you will slow your initial progress -- it did for me... you get a bit of an entitlement mentality that makes it kind of shocking when you first start approaching girls and they aren't falling all over themselves to be with you -- but once you've got the basics down and can start putting the pieces together and figuring out how to make the women you're meeting pursue, things get quite interesting.

First you've got to start off with just approaching and being the pursuer, though. The piecing-everything-together comes a bit later.

Best thing for you to do now is just start meeting women. Online actually might be very good for you if you're a good looking guy -- it's 95% looks, but picture quality is important. Get some professional pictures done, and get them online. Don't expect the highest quality women though -- unless you're on a site where girls are looking for relationships. Just get started, try and practice some basic openers, and get meeting girls in the mall, in bars, on the street, and wherever you like best.

Hello chase, I have been liking this girl eversince I met her at school. I want to ask her out next week but myy only problem is where to go. I was considering the beach but I dont know what city she lives in so the closer beach to me might be far for her. Also if she could make it, I dont k.ow what we could talk about.

First time I'm posting here but just wanted to let you know that I'm hooked ever since I stumbled across your site.

There's something I need to clarify which is a bit confusing.

You're advocating the " Don't Chase Women" & "The Law of Least Effort" maxim yet I read in some of your topics that we should go ask women out fast before they lose interest in us. In addition, you're saying that we should not give up easily if the girls get flaky.

The problem is, if we demonstrate the sexy, edgy, mysterious attitude...there is a BIG possibility that all the posturing will be all for nothing if the girl we're attracted to won't make the first move? On the other hand, if we flirt around with the girl and give some subtle hints, there is a chance we lose our "cool" persona and the girl becomes defensive?

So what's the best approach? It's been a while since I dated so I've become rusty and want to get my groove back.

Here's the situation. I met a co-worker who just started 3 weeks ago in the company. She's young in her early 20's, petite, fresh from College and I can tell right away she has this friendly but rather shy personality. Oh and might I add, she is pretty. I, on the other hand am on my early 30's however, people from other nationalities mistakenly see me as a lad in his mid 20's being an Asian myself. Usually, they can't tell my age. The girl is mixed breed, half-Asian and half Mid Eastern but her roots are strongly tied to the Asian tradition such as strong family ties, respect for the elders etc.

We went out on lunch together on her very first day at work. I treated her. Just casual, nothing fancy...more like a get-to-know-you stuff. I learned that she likes guys with tattoos as I have tattoos on my forearms. To describe my disposition, I am more like a Colin Farrell type (just personality not the looks) witty, funny at times but exuding edginess. On the looks part, I'm average. She is into the creative arts herself as she's an artist.

We were talking and she told me straight off the bat that she has a boyfriend who's a tattoo artist but lives overseas. In other words, they are communicating but physically apart. In the meantime, I told her that I have a girlfriend which is true.

We see each other everyday as she sits just across me so a casual "hi", "hello" is normal. Often times, we do get to communicate about stuff at work in the office. Because I'm attracted to her, I showed some subtle signs of flirting whenever I get a chance to be close to her like if she calls me and I go to her desk and she shares with me some random story which doesn't have anything to do with work.

Most of the time, I flirt using the eye, body language and some words. She would look back at me as I hold my eye contact and then look back in her monitor. There was a time when she stood up (from the sitting position) and her body was pointed at me probably to better match my body positioning with her. That time, I sat on her desk with my leg on the table and the other on the floor to comfortably get closer to her. I noticed that she tends to agree with whatever I'm saying everytime I bring up some topic to see if we have something in common. Ex: ME: "I always make sure to look both sides before I cross the road cause you never know" HER: "Oh yeah! Me too. In fact...."

So, this was like going on for weeks. I could sense that she knows I have the hots for her obviously because of my flirtations whenever the chance call for it. However, I always make it a point to do my thing in the office as if everything's normal. I only flirt most of the time we get to talk.

Ok, the problem. I asked her on a 2nd lunch out but she said she's ok in the office and told me to go ahead and enjoy my meal. No problem with that. Another occasion was when I "teased" her about me and her watching a movie just as we're about to get off at work but when I escorted her outside she became a lil flaky and told me "It's alright, I can manage. You should go home...don't worry I'm gonna be alright." It caught me off guard though she knows that I was just joking about me and her watching a movie together. So, sensing that she doesn't want my presence, I politely left her there and headed home.

2 days after that, our group all went out for lunch. I ignored her most of the time to try if the "mixed signals" thing would work. I could tell she sensed that I was ignoring her so after we all got back inside the office, she attempted to talk to me and showed me some random news story about a kid falling from a building. I obliged of course knowing that it kinda worked.

Recently, I asked her out saying exactly like this," It was a long day today. I'm in the mood for a Frap in Starbucks, care to join me?" She however played it down and politely declined by saying, "I'm ok. You can go ahead" and playfully waved at me like a little girl "See you....bye."

I don't get it. Why is she like this? Did I mistake her being friendly towards me as a sign of attraction? Did I make a fool of myself and lose a bit of my edgy persona by asking her out and she declined twice? How do I go about this?

How do I tell if she likes me? She's a Libra if that helps.

I would very much appreciate it if you could shed light on this. In fact, a reply from you would be precious.

Glad you're hooked, man ;) Sorry for the confusion -- I try to keep things as non-contradictory as possible on here, but I realize the difficulty in doing that when you're combining an approach of minimizing effort and maximizing having women invest with male-female mating rituals, which largely necessitate the man in the role of pursuer. I'll try and clear this up as best possible.

You basically want to be cool and sexy and cause women to pursue... and then, strategically, make moves to progress things forward, but have them seem as effortless as possible and have them come across as an extension of the girl's actions as often as possible.

For instance, you might talk to a girl and chill and be sexy and get to know her, and she's getting more and more excited, and then finally she says she's tired, so you say, "Yeah, you're right, it's getting a bit late. Why don't we go grab a nightcap and we'll call it a night." Then you pull her home -- you suggested the move back to your place, but it seems a natural extension of what she herself was saying.

You can't always execute this perfectly, and at times you do have to stand up and be the pursuer here or there. At least go for mutual and get buy-in, though -- e.g., you text a girl, "Hey, was great to meet you yesterday. We ought to grab some food this week -- when are you free and what's your schedule like?" There's also a lot of removing of decisions to be made from women there -- it makes it a lot easier for her to just say "I'm free here and here and here" and then you set it all up and make it happen, than the guy who says, "Would you like to go out with me?"

With the office girl, there could've been initial attraction there, but things fade fast soon after a girl joins a circle much of the time -- especially when she has options, which it sounds like this girl does. It's totally normal -- see these posts (if you haven't already):

That one's about social circle, but applies just as much to the office as to school or your circle.

Hopefully these help, brother. You'll probably have to strike out in search of new prospects -- oh, and you'll also want to cut out the "hinting" at making things happen (e.g., joking around about joining her for a movie). Hinting unnerves women a bit -- instead, be commanding, powerful, yet still chill, and direct (e.g., "Here, invite me up, I need to get a glass of water").

hey Chase,
i read your article just now and feel confident about myself.Thanks!! The problem is there is this friend of mine whom i like very much.I broke up with my ex-gf a few months ago and now i have started liking this friend of mine.She knows about my break-up and she sort of knows that i have the hots for her.We were good friends before but due to some misunderstandings she has broken our friendship.
It was her fault actually but should i say sorry or something?? i dont want to be the very nice guy...but i really like her and she seems like the one for me...please advise on what i should do??
P.S: after we become friends should i ask her out immediately or not??She is also 2 years younger than me...if this info helps..i am fresh out of college and she is studying in the same college.
waiting for someone to help me....thank u...

Hey Chase, ive been talking to this girl for a while now and ten i finally got the courage to ask her if she wanted to go out. She hasnt responded in like 2 days but at a football game i saw her get a feww quick glances at me....what are your thoughts???

hey Chase great website i am an everyday reader and you have great input. Question i have Is i recently hung out with this girl i liked from highschool shes in college now i followed your how to ask a girl out and it worked. she came over my house we played video games watched a movie in my room and then all of sudden while we was watching the movie cuddlin i tried to go in for the kiss she stopped and said i know what your trying to do and then started talking about how all us men are the same and she asked if i thought i was going to get some cause she came over? also she started talking about her ex and how they were together for so long and she recently broke up with him because he cheated on her she also spoke on her trust issues since the incident with her ex. the night ended with nothing happening just talking and i have since tried to see her again i text her she told me she would be busy last weekend and i dont know what to do now i really like her and i wanna see her again help me out chase

Now the second girl is from facebook again i followed your instructions and set something up with her she agreed and gave a time but when i asked for her number she never responded with it so im stuck with this? what do i do?

Im a junior and this girls a freshman. Is it awkawrd with the age?
And another thing, i met this girl thru her brother, whos on my football team and is
My lifting partner in weight lifting class, hes my friend and i dont want to piss him off. How do i handle all thiss?

What if you told a girl you liked her, and she said, i'll have to think about it. I knew that mean "not gonna happen". But a few weeks later, she really starts flirting with me and hugging on me, and saying she loves me, and wanting me to sit with her at lunch and breakfast at school????????????

Hey chase, great stuff u have and am wondering if u cud help me with a poblem.

So i knew this girl from grade 10 and we didn't talk much. Now that were both in grade 11 we have alot more classes together and we talk alot more. I make her laugh a bit and thinks she may like me too (but i really cant be reliant on that)

She has no phone so i wud have to call her home phone, but basically i cant text whatsoever. So we have periods 2,3,4 together and my locker is on the way to hers.

Any advice on approaching this. Im not good at asking girls out (i dont even remember how i did it in grade 10 before her) and would appreciate some help.

Hey so I recently casually asked a girl to get together and she came back at me with " awwww I'd love to but I have to finish a science project" does this mean she would actually love to or is she just trying to say no tactfully? Thanks for your help man. You are the best.

Just read your article and it's great; it's practical, easy to follow, and offers a lot of common sense advice that's often overlooked... however, I've followed what you've said, yet I'm in a bit of a dilemma.

I met this girl about a month ago on the city bus while on my way to campus. We talked and hit it off pretty nicely. By the time I got on the bus to when I got off the bus (10min), I had her number and both left smiling. I waited a couple days, texted her and everything went pretty well. We joked about things, flirted, etc and then I asked her out. We made plans for Thursday on a Sunday. When Thursday rolled around I texted her saying that I was assuming we're still on for today, but we'll have to push back our meeting by a half-hour. Well she never responded at all; in-fact, she blew me off. I was pissed, but blew it off and went about my day and made plans with other people.

Well, about a week passed and eventually I ran into her on the bus again. Once again we started talking and flirting, but this time I was a little cold to her (e.g. didn't give her as much attention as she clearly wanted). Well, after we got off the bus we started texting and flirting again. Eventually we got into the topic of her blowing me off and it told her, "Well, it didn't bother me too much that you blew me off because I just made plans with other people instead of sitting around, but a yest or no would have been appreciated. You seem like a pretty cool girl and I'd be down for hanging out and getting to know each other, but if you're just into playing games and stuff like that then I'm not interested because I've got a lot of other important things going on in my life. Hopefully that isn't the case though and I'm wrong." Well she then responded back shortly and said that that was a really upfront and honest response and that she really liked that. She said she had to go to worked, but promised to text me later; she did and from that point on we started flirting even more and her attraction grew (I'm assuming). I got right to the point and asked her out again. She said, "Yes! I totally agree lets; maybe I'll even cook you something ;)" I told her, "Haha sounds good to me. Monday doesn't work well for me though, but Tuesday or Thursday does."

And that's where it eneded. She never responded back and I'm unsure what to do from here. It's been a day now and I'm not quite sure if I should text her back/what to say. Or just cut my losses and move on. I don't want to look needy or desperate, but at the same time I know you advocate persistence.

Any insight you have would be appreciated and I look forward to your response. Thanks Chase!

Hey man,I'm not Chase but I think I know what happened.You didn't let her pick the time and location,which is important.Maybe you should try again but this time you should let her pick the time and place.Good luck :)