Pages

About Me

Hi. Welcome to my "taboo" blog.
My name is Steph, and when I first started this, I was still in my thirties. In 2017, I switch decades!
I am a Christian, so underlying everything I do and say is the Word of God, and the foundational truths I have learnt over the years. This doesn't mean I'm perfect - I am human. It just means I recognise I need God's help to live this life and try to live out His way, as best I can.
So that's me in a nutshell. Thanks for taking the time to read through my blog, I hope you draw strength, hope or encouragement from what you read.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

What If...And I'm Not Even Preggers Yet!

The other night I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned all night. I'm not even pregnant and I was panicking about the potential responsibility of becoming a parent... of becoming pregnant.

What if I have a horrible pregnancy experience?? What if I don't enjoy being pregnant?? What if the idea of another being growing inside me is too alien for me?? What if I don't like my baby?? What if we don't bond?? What if I have a boy and I want a girl?? What if I have a girl and want a boy?? What if the baby doesn't like me?? What if I don't like my baby???????

All of this stemmed from an article I had read in one of the daily papers, about the number of women who find it difficult to bond with their babies. Apparently, Gwyneth Paltrow was one of these women who found it hard to bond with her second child, as a off-shoot of the postnatal depression she suffered. If someone who is an established mother like that can struggle, what hope for me?

I've also had conversations with friends who regaled me with their pregnancy tales, and for some - the experience wasn't a good one. One friend was so violently ill with her baby, that it put her off having a second child. I am concerned!!!

Not only with the whole being pregnant thing, or the newborn thing, or the terrible-two's thing... just with the WHOLE thing! Suddenly Hubby and I become responsible for a whole nother person. How our child turns out in teenhood and adulthood is directly linked to how well or how badly we do with raising Bubba!! There is no second chance - what we do wrong will have an affect on Bubba, and what we do right - hopefully more often than the getting it wrong thing - can help Bubba to be a healthy, responsible adult.

Having an argument in front of our Bubba, for example, may be something which freaks them out and damages their memory of childhood, or teaches them a positive experience of communication. I'm sorry to say that on occasions Hubby and I have got it wrong - especially in front of my Stepson. Our fighting in front of him negatively affects his time with us and affects him as much as it does us. But we only have him once a fortnight. When Bubba arrives, we will be with our child 24/7, and so the arguing will be less controlled than it can be now.

The decisions Hubby and I take on a daily basis don't directly or indirectly affect my Stepson, but they do over the weekend he is with us. When Bubba arrives, daily decisions will need to encompass Bubba too.

Having a child is not a right of ours, just coz we love each other and are in a relationship or married. Having a child is a huge responsibility. It is a huge blessing, but it comes at a price... sacrifice on so many levels. And the responsibility of training a child up in the way he or she should go can be quite daunting - especially on this side of the future event.

At the time, I believe the Lord will lead, direct and guide us. This means Hubby and I need to be totally tuned into His voice. When we're not, we are in danger of messing up Bubba's life. In the meantime, my prayer is that when the time comes for Bubba to be conceived, He would bless me with a great pregnancy experience. One which I can treasure and enjoy, and even share with Hubby... Maybe one day with Bubba too.

In the meantime, I pray the fears which disturbed my sleep the other night will be handed over to Him, so I can rest in perfect peace.

The Journey

In August 2011, a year after my ex and I were married, we decided we were ready to try for a family. But in 2015, the journey was suddenly ended, and in 2016 we divorced.

Some of you reading this may think, "why keep such a personal blog online?" As I am a writer, I found it easier to write how I felt, and over the years was encouraged to know God used my struggle to offer support to others who read my posts.

For a subject which is often still taboo among Christians, because of the huge challenge to our faith, and our idea of who God is, I have decided to keep this blog online, knowing that my fears, my thoughts, my frustrations still remain today, even though I find myself single again.

The purpose of this blog originally was as an outlet to formulate into words my inner thoughts. It has since become a tool God uses for people like you walking through the loneliness of infertility.

May you find hope and encouragement, even if it's just in knowing you're not alone.