Friday, 11 April 2014

You Can't Choose To Be Happy

So, I was using Pinterest (one of my favorite things to do since I discovered it), and I was looking up quotes about PTSD. So, while I was looking up these quotes, I found one that said 'No, it doesn't work that way. I can't just wake up one day, say "Oh, I wanna be happy" and be happy. Believe me, I've tried.' It doesn't work that way with PTSD and any other mental illnesses.

I found tons of good quotes for people with PTSD, and these are two of my favorite quotes. "To be hurt, to feel lost. To be left out in the dark, to be kicked when you're down. To feel like you're being pushed around, to be on the edge of breaking down. And no one's there to save you, no, you don't know what it's like. Welcome to my life." I don't know who the author is for that on. "It sucks, you know. When everything is doing fine, then it all crashes again? And the worst part is, I really don't want to try and put it back together again, but I have to." Don't know the author for that one either.

So as you can see, it's hard to be happy when you have a mental illness like PTSD. The last time I can remember being happy, was last week, at my riding lesson, when Winter and I did our first flying lead change (hopefully will get video next lesson). But something else happened this week, and sapped the happiness away.

My friend wanted to go to the park, so we were going to go to the only park on our street. Only problem with that is, the park is at the school that had the teacher that caused my PTSD. I reluctantly agreed to go, and I mainly agreed to go because I hadn't seen my friend for about three or four days. So we went to the park, and five kids I knew from that school that had been in my class were there. Luckily, they only said hi to me.

Then my friend and I saw the janitor, he walked out of the building, but all I could see was a taller man with grey hair, like my old teacher. I automatically started freaking out, and started asking my friend if she wanted to leave the park. She didn't want to leave the park yet, and didn't understand why I was so anxious to leave the park. About ten minutes later, we left the park, and I explained what happened to her.

The same thing happened a month or two ago when my mom had a meeting. I was sitting in the lobby, playing on my iPad and reading my book, and this man walks in. He was a taller man with grey hair, like my old teacher, so I freaked out quietly for a few minutes, then attempted to calm myself down. Luckily, the man left after five minutes.

As you can see, if I see a taller man with grey hair, I will automatically freak out. I also freak out when something unexpected happens, once, I was at school eating lunch with my friends, and a girl I know decided to sneak up on me. She didn't know I had PTSD, so she thought it would be funny to sneak up on me and see my reaction. She didn't expect me to jump up in the air because I got seriously freaked out. She then continued to laugh at me and explain how I shouldn't have freaked out because it was obvious she was there. But I hadn't known she was there because I was busy talking to my friends, who then told her off for sneaking up on me and laughing about it.

That's all for this week, and instead of giving you a link to a music video, I will be providing a video of me singing Brave by Sara Bareilles. Also, here is a link to the facebook page I made for Battle Of A Girl With PTSD Facebook Page.