nothing in here is true

Monday, August 12, 2002

it’s true, i do.

for charity, people should go door-to-door giving out kisses for a buck. how great would it be to hear a knock at your door, have a nice girl out there willing to kiss you if you gave her a buck for MS or some shit?

baseball, in order to give back to the community should have Win A Car Mondays. every monday you buy your ticket to the game, and during the 7th inning stretch a player reaches into the hopper and pulls out a ticket stub and announces the winner and someone drives home in a brand, new, car. if the average ticket price to a game is 8 bucks you’d only need to sell 3,000 more tickets on those Monday nights to cover the car. and if your team cant attract 3k fans who are solely interested in winning a new $24,000 car, you have serious issues. (also imagine how much beer, hot dogs, and crap an extra 3,000 fans will gobble.)

at least one presidential debate should be held on pay-per-view with the nominees hooked up to a lie detector. charge $20, give the proceeds to the 5 poorest public school systems in america. might just be the biggest pay-per-view event ever.

distribute free condoms in malls, gas stations, and at fast food drive thrus. people should be able to have sex without dying these days. free AIDS tests should be held in every hospital. hospitals can afford it. tell me they cant and i’ll show you a lying hospital.

the first sunday of each month should be Fuckit Let’s Be Cool day. after driving the freeways of LA for the last two weeks, i can tell you that this day is well over due. people should be required to give hugs, throw up the peace sign, and compliment others at least three times that day. maybe hand out little stickers that you can put on your clothes that say, “Someone Approved of Me,” “A Stranger Thinks I’m Nice,” or “Juan Thinks I’m Cute.” Either design the stickers at home, or buy them in mass quantities at the liquor store. Then the rest of the month people can go back to ignoring each other and being pricks.

big time marketing companies should co-op space on popular blogs so that creative young eccentric personalities can buy a cadillac and hit the road traveling around this great country meeting strange and unusual peoples and kissing their daughters in the name of art.

either that or some middle of the road hotel or motel chain should pay me to drive around the country to personally review each property that they own while i secretly blog about america in my quest to find Miss Bloggy 2003.