Pro-Tips: Why are drivers in Iowa City so bad?

Wayne Diamante, Tony Award winning playwright of Underpants: A Visual Reference Guide and The Cautionary Tale of Juggy Capone: North America’s Last Yeti Stripper answers his readers’ enquiries with equanimity and joie de vivre in Pro Tips, with Wayne Diamante. This week, in a special in-depth riposte, Wayne has dedicated his time to one question in particular: traffic. If you have a question for which you’d like a straightforward, nominally researched opinion, or have your own Pro Tip, feel free to submit it to askwaynediamante@gmail.com.

Wayne,

Here I am lived for six months coming from Belarus for Uni. You are drivers very shit at Iowa City. Very, very shit. How so very shit?

Sincerely,

Marc

Hi Marc,

I’m glad you asked. Despite the statistical improbability, if you gathered 12 people in Iowa City at random, 13 of them should not be licensed drivers. The drivers here ARE terrible. Terrible enough I routinely challenge people’s credentials. Last week this lady was doing some totally ridiculous shit behind me in the Falbo Bros. parking lot.

IN THE PARKING LOT.

How can you fuck up so bad? There are only two things to be doing, either parking, or leaving. Anyway, this lady’s 17-point turn culminated in her parking me in—as I am blatantly sitting in my car with the reverse lights on the whole five minutes. This shit was so out of control that I got out and had her roll down her window:

“Excuse me. Do you even have a fucking driver’s license? Show me, because I don’t believe you and what you are doing is insane.”

I digress.

Why are the drivers here so bad? It’s a combination of things, like a perfect storm, but made of morons.

1) The hospital draws in a lot of out-of-towners. These people are not dickheads in and of themselves, but Iowa City is like a Gorgon that turns innocent bystanders into dipshits rather than granite. I don’t have definitive proof, but it likely has something to do with the satanic power of Procter and Gamble (look it up) and large scale mercury gas poisoning.

2) The pedestrians here are actually worse than the cars, causing already criminally negligent drivers to assume courses of action even more jackasseried than normal. Why would someone deliberately step in front of two tons of moving steel without regard for personal safety? This is something I experience on a regular basis and it is appalling. If you step out in front of a car you are asking for trouble. It doesn’t matter who’s right, or wrong, if you do that you are an idiot. In some cultures your own parents would take honor in killing you rather than facing the humiliation of rearing such an asshole.

3) Remember when all those tires at the trash dump were on fire? Half the metro area is now medically retarded. I do not mean that as a disrespect, but as a scientifical, clinically fact.

Marc, this is just the tip of the iceberg. I wish I had more information for you, but … I don’t. The best advice I can offer is next time you see some boof-job doing something totally stupid give them the “thumbs-down.” Giving someone the “American Finger” only enrages them: The thumbs-down expresses your utter disappointment in their humanity across cultural boundaries.

Good luck with your studies Marc and given the option, it’s probably best to stay indoors. —Wayne.