The Friday Edition of Why So Serious?

My blog has been remarkably serious of late, with my moral outrage oozing out like an open sore. That can only mean one thing:

It’s Friday and it’s time to get feckless and fancy free!

In times like these, I like to turn to poop.

The case of the pooping cat

The owner of Duke the Cat, an 11-year-old-longhair, was bought to a Seattle court. The allegation: Damages caused by poop.

Duke was described by the victim in the case as “the smartest cat that I’ve ever seen.”

Duke’s owner was fined $109.

Due to Duke’s relentless pooping, the victim claimed that workers remodeling his dilapidated home into a duplex were “sickened from the stink.”

“He was a fast pooper,” the victim alleged.

The victim testified that he never actually caught Duke in the act, but that he had seen Duke fleeing the scene “at least 25 times” over a two-year period, leaving behind evidence that he described as “a warm, steaming pile,” so he could only come to one conclusion.

What’s better than poop-related products you can actually eat? (Think coffee beans that have been on Mr. Toad Stool’s wild ride through an Asian Palm Civet.)

How about poop you can rub on your face? Yes, I think that could very well be the next best thing!

A product called “Wrinkle Butter” made from the poop of earthworms is touted in a press release is being promoted as a way to “reverse the aging process” of skin. The product is featured in a segment (heh!) on The Doctor’s television show.

The press release prefers the euphemism “castings” rather than the more pedestrian term of “poop.” Earthworm castings, it claims, have no “poop smell” and contain many of the anti-aging compounds found in expensive “serums and creams.”

“At least a dozen A-list celebrities” are said to be using the product, although the press release refuses to name names. The product is said to be a “big seller with the Hollywood crowd.”

I can’t begin to guess which folks from Hollyweird are smearing poop on their faces, but I can guess why they call it “Wrinkle” butter. We all know where poop comes from, right?

Robot runs on organic fuel and poops out the waste

If we know one thing about humans, it’s that we want our electronics to eat food and generate poop. No word yet if we also have the technology for it to burp and fart, too.

Meet Ecobot-III, the robot that eats food (organic matter) and poops out his own waste. If that isn’t the ultimate in modern convenience I don’t know what is!

Ecobot isn’t quite as discerning about what constitutes “food” as us humans. The little fellow can eat food and water from its environment, and can even, if you let it, consume human feces as a tasty entree.

I almost have no words, but I can summon the force of will to say this much: These robot designers are ingenious.

When it comes to coffee, a straight line is not always the best route between two points. As I mentioned above, some folks think letting an animal eat coffee beans and poop them out is a grand way to make a cup.

Now tea comes along as said, “Wait one! I deserve some poop, too!”

A calligraphy instructor has formulated a plan to grow tea that has been fertilized with panda poop. I think this is brilliant. It comes the two most crucial ingredients of success in any tea-growing operation: A thorough knowledge of calligraphy and the fact that pandas are cute. Really cute. So cute, in fact, that their poop suddenly takes an otherwise mundane operation and kicks it up to a whole new level.

The wise entrepreneur recently bought 11 tons of the panda poop from a panda breeding center. His first batch of tea fertilized with the poop is estimated to be worth priced at $77,000 (USD) per kilo (2.2 pounds).

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3 responses

I used to buy bags of composted cow poop for my garden. It was rich-looking stuff! In my younger days, when I visited my Grandma’s farm, I stepped in a cow pie or two. Hard to believe I would actually buy the stuff!