Fade to 4:39am and this ambiguous structure of words that need to be stretched out, stripped out, and then torn out to extrapolate the pain floating in my head.

Who knew laying in bed since 9pm would make 4:39am so deadly? To be awake, to be energized, but then to be surrounded by inactivity or the inability to be active, is destructive.

It is in 4am – I can’t do anything.

So, I think. Thinking is dangerous.

Dramatically. I’m thinking of her.

I thought I was thinking of her because I wanted to see if there was a way to win her back. I know getting back together would be detrimental to both our happiness right now. But, what I do know is that I have a few images I’m unable to fight back. Images of her.

I’m not going to lie, it’s been tough getting back into the groove of making content for my YouTube channel, Facebook page, Instagram, and any other social media site I’m living on at the moment. I keep on saying to myself that “I’m going to write tomorrow…” “I’m going to film this weekend…” “I’m going to have a mission statement NEXT week.”

Then, I delay all of these plans by chalking them up to excuses of work, lack of money, lack of time, and sleep deprivation. Well, for some odd reason I told myself that enough is enough. It was time to get started on producing content again!

However… for the past few hours I’ve been trying to make something, anything, for any of my aforementioned media channels, and I’ve been deleting everything I’ve been posting. In addition, I need to head back to work soon…

So.

Here I am.

Writing.

It is my hope that this blog post is the fuel I need to start my momentum content producing train.

Before I continue, I’m going to make something very clear, I’m not lazy… when it comes to OTHER PEOPLE’S PROJECTS and WORK. For example, right now I manage four high-level internet youtube / facebook celebrities. In fact, I’m building a business around this concept.

But when it comes to my own content… I’m lazy. I do nothing to help my own image shine. This needs to stop because at any moment my clients can die, let me go, or vanish to another agency. Also, even though I love what I do for others (and it gives me a way to live), my personality belongs in front of the camera…

It’s not about being famous. It’s about using the talents that someone (God) gave me to make an impact on the people I interact with.

A few days ago, I received a different type of letter. This student had an inquiry about the fears of rejection & how to accept rejection. It couldn’t come at a better time (b/c I’m going through a failed project at the moment) & thought it would be best to write my response through a post.

Before I begin I want to say I received a wonderful comment from my last post. Here it is:

I really needed this comment (thank you Kirsten) because the video she is talking about, the current video I posted this morning, was one of the hardest shoots I’ve ever done in my entire life: it took over 2.5 months to conceptualize the idea, 4 weeks to shoot (4 days of shooting), spent over $500 to make it happen, had audio issues on two days, camera issues on the next, got kicked out of a campus on the last day of shooting (unusable UCSD footage), and it took over 35 hours of editing because I had four different ways of telling the video’s story.

“Jonathan, working full-time here means you cannot work on any of your side projects. You can no longer uber, you can no longer do YouTube, you can no longer work on anything else but PlayTable.”

I sat there listening to my friend’s words and my heart sank. I’ve known him since 2009, been working with him on many projects since 2011, and since late 2014, started the journey of working on this new project that led me from LA to the Bay Area. This current project is called, PlayTable.xyz. It’s an all-in-one board game console, which can play every single board & card game in the world: we’re creating the soul for board & card games everywhere.

“As a friend, I understand your situation. But, as the CEO of this company I need you here all the time.” I replied asking if I could get one day off to work on my side projects. “No. Jonathan, we’re crowdsourcing in 5 months. I need you here.”

He gave me a weekend to think about my decision. I sent him an e-mail last Monday and apologized. Yes, I decided to not work with PlayTable in the capacity expected of me, and I’ll tell you why I made the decision…