Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Open Relationships are NOT for Everybody...A Personal Story Part 2

Last i left you, i had just broken up with my boyfriend of almost four years. It sucked. We broke up amicably even though there was a great deal of raw anger between the both of us. After we broke up, we just did not have any more reasons to be upset with one another. I'd say, we were doing pretty well during those horrendous months after our break up. We had a couple dinners with each other, went and saw a couple movies together, and he even saw my apartment.

Fast forward four months later. It turns out that a good friend of his, who just happened to be an ex-supervisor in his consulting world (so it doesn't really count), moved right across the street from my posh new studio. I say posh new studio because it was "quaint," which is the NYC equivalent of "tiny," however, it actually had two floor to ceiling windows facing the robust Empire State building. It was incredible. The area, which I liked to call it NoFla (north of Flat Iron), technically speaking, was Grammercy with a touch of Chelsea.

Do you wanna guess who told me that his ex-supervisor and I should get together? Yes, my ex.

It took several weeks for that handsome older gentleman, J, and I to get together. In fact, we bumped into each other on the street a few times prior to setting a date. Mind you, i had always had a crush on him. Even my ex and i would joke about having dinner with my "crush" when he set up dinner together for all of us. After weeks of flirty emails back and forth, of which i really thought very little because i never thought in a million years the "crush" was mutual. We had an amazing night. He looked incredible, dressed to the nines, and we had an incredibly romantic night, making out, sleeping, talking, etc... it was blissful. We both knew immediately that this could potentially be a problem for my ex. We pretty much saw each other every night or every other night after that moment. After about four weeks of dating we found it necessary to tell my ex. After all, we (my ex and I) were still in that awkward trying to be friends stage and my new boyfriend still worked with him at the firm.

I got the priviledge of calling and tell him what was going on. To which, he was shocked and pretty much hung up on me. I waited one week before i called him again. He actually sent me a voicemail saying that he requested my presence at dinner the following night alone and he had a great deal to say. OMG! My heart stopped. Uh oh...was he still in love with me? Was he beyond pissed? Was he going to bless this union? Was he going to go nuts on me? I had no idea what to expect. Somehow, i knew what was coming.

That day I was anxious mess. When i arrived, his immediate demeanor was cold a/k/a no hug. He had ordered a coffee and that's all. I asked if we were going to order any dinner, to which his response was..."No, this won't take much time." He continued, "Thank you for meeting with me. I was completely blown away by your phone call last week...and it's taken me about a week to even process on how best to proceed with this situation. Clearly, since I still work with J, i will have a separate discussion with him to keep things completely formal and cordial. However, with you. I don't know who you are. And, i want nothing to do with you. I don't want you to call me, email me, text me, or anything of the sort. I want you to forget that i have ever existed in your life."

I believe he said all that within one breathe. Here's where he knew it would hurt. I had become unbelieveably close with not only his mom and dad, and his entire Spanish family, but his sister and i were bosom buddies. We either chatted or spoke pretty much every day. She was my by best friend at the time and he knew it too.

He continued..."I have told my family what you have done and they stand behind me 100% on my decision to cut you out of my life" Neither my mother or father ever want to hear from you again, but my sister would like to say goodbye. I don't understand why, but she does. She is extremely upset about this whole situation, but she is my sister and she respects my opinion and will respect my wishes."

Wow. I was flabbergasted. No one had ever spoken to me like that before him. I was definitely crying at this point. The part about the sister hurt more than anything else. I realized in that moment that it was going to be a long road to recovery. It was horrific and so incredibly sad. I was beyond words. I really didn't have much to say, except I'm sorry and I had never planned this to happen. So, that day, i not only lost him, i also lost one of the best friends i had ever had in my life. She was definitely one of my soulmates in this world. As J and I continued together, those were some of the saddest couple months of my life...and at the beginning of another relationship...it definitely put a damper on that bliss. I really had to mourn their deaths in my life. And it was pretty much four people, all at once, including his immediate family. It was a very hard and very sad time in my life. I felt conflicted too as i was also extremely happy with my new bf. Life works in extremely mysterious ways, don't you think?

He was a bit harsh in that conversation, but he was angry and i don't blame him at all. He and J had a very different conversation, however. It was a high probability that J would theoretically be his boss at a future date. J made it very clear to my ex that he would not accept any lectures or discussions about his personal choice to be with me, despite whatever my ex might have been feeling. They would be cordial and he would need to work through his issues outside of the workplace. J also advised my ex that he could have been nicer to me and hopefully one day he would be able to forgive me. I wish i could have been there to experience that conversation. It sounded like a very heated and very forthcoming conversation. It turns out that they did work together again, and my ex was extremely professional and cordial with J from that moment on. I, however, am still to this day grow a little emotional when I think about the whole thing. I don't really miss him, but i do still miss his sister and think about her often.

Look people, i'm not necessarily proud of what i did to him...it was too close to comfort for him and i completely understand and feel extremely apologetic for the poor choice i might have made at the ripe old age of 25. It clearly didn't need to go down like the way it did. I live my life without regrets...however, sometimes i imagine if things were different. And then i think, but i wouldn't be the person i am today...or i definitely wouldn't be in LA, writing three books, etc... everything happens for a reason. and i LOVE my life with my bf, my dog Maggie, my now 5 chickens, and 2 baby goats.

The moral of the story...There's a couple. Don't date anyone that used to be a supervisor of your ex! Got it? Next, Revenge or Retaliation sex is never the answer. Lastly, PLEASE communicate and set boundaries for all sexcapades both inside and outside of the relationship. I'm sure I will have much more to say about open relationships in the upcoming weeks, so stay tuned.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

1) i guess it could always be worse...i could have ended up like this guy: Fei Lin's Penis Stolen By Thieves http://huff.to/NtrlXE via @HuffPostCrime
2) If you aren't watching the Olympics...you should be. Just kidding. 30 medals for China, 29 medals for USA...and I'm convinced that all the Chinese athletes beging their training here, then go on and continue their training in China. So, they get the best of both worlds.
3) Editing on my first book is going a little slower than i had originally anticipated. Still shooting for 9/25 purchase date.
4) Next week, i will be launching my new website...it's going to be awesome!!!
5) I have been learning a great deal about my relationship over the past few weeks. No matter how long you are with someone, they never cease to amaze me. :)