Monday, March 04, 2013

Climbing a Mountain

Me, in Virginia, around 1999

In the past couple of days I've been parked on the couch, scanning photos. I took a gazillion photos pre-digital days, and if you didn't know it, acid will eventually eat away at the ink and turn your photos darker and darker until you've lost them.

That analogy, of things turning darker and darker, is pretty apt. Some days, like today, I don't know how much more I can take. That's when it's helpful for me to look back so I can look forward.

Does that make sense?

By looking back, I can remember not just the amazing times commemorated by photos, but the darkest memories that never were captured on film. I look at these photos and I'm hit with instant recall of the time. Not all of those times were joyful. But time does march on, and that's what I keep reminding myself.

I refuse to think my physical pain and current level of depression are forever. I've made it out of a couple of abysses in my life, and I can do it again. It's hard, when you're in the middle of the maelstrom, to think anything will ever change, but I like to think, CHOOSE to think, there is a way out.

I just don't know when yet.

I keep saying I don't know how much more I can take, and that I just can't do this anymore -- and then I keep moving forward. It's what I have to do. It's the only way out of the abyss. I may think right now I'm useless, getting nothing done, doing no good for anyone, including myself, but I have to remember I've been stuck before. I can get unstuck again. I need more and more help the more holes I fall into, but I'm so very lucky to have friends, family, and memories to get me out.

A great post Lori. Thanx for sharing your life from with us. I hope it helps you to share with us. If I could I would gladly take some of your pain. I hope all of us can help you to get through this. I agree that it's important to look back to move forward.

Hi Lori--have been following your blog for quite a while. You may have already checked, but is there a possibility you are gluten intolerant? That can cause lots of problems similar to yours. Also, diet soda or anything with aspartame will cause problems. Just wondered cause not feeling well totally sucks! Will keep you in prayer. CJ

I Totally agree. I, too, look back and remember that I have come out of deeper, darker places, having less strength to fight, but eventually found the light. If it weren't for my husband,girls,friends, and family, it may have been a different outcome. While I may not have the same support as before, I still have my husband, girls, amazing friends, especially those that are fighting the same/similar battles together. And there's just nothing like having someone who really, truly knows, who gets it, gets you. Thanks for sharing, Lori. This has put a little more light in my dark Monday and reminded me of just what I'm capable of, even at my worst. Love you.

Remind yourself how strong you have been; you've served in the forces in Korea, you've survived living alone in a tough area, you've found new love, created new life in that super little guy Zack and despite the depression and ill health you've produced a successful book and online business. Stand up and bask in that light.

Lori, sometimes you have to just rely on the rest of us to hold you safe and comforted in our arms, outstretched in love, remembering we will not let you fall, not let you down. We will hold you as Christ holds all of us, to give you rest . Powerful Prayers and love and hugs, my dear friend!!!

Oh Lori, I'm so sorry that you feel so bad. And I so hope that things are changing soon. Sending prayers and good thoughts - and one thing: You have an impact on so many live so please be sure you are precious!

Hello – I had to come and find you to thank you so much for stopping by my JewelLucia blog today, after reading your recent post it really touched me. For me having a suppressed and expressive creative mind can caused its own rollercoaster at times. Please Stay Creative Always and Allow Your Creativity to Flow Through You and Create-activity as you seem to be reaching out and helping more people than you will ever know – Debs* 2013

Interesting that you posted this picture. My son brought a field trip form home yesterday, they are going hiking up on Skyline Drive and they need chaperones. I would love to do it, but my body will not allow me to do the hiking. So I explained it to my son, sadly, but he understood. Just like I'm sure that Zack understands when you explain your limitations to him. You see, we (with our physical limitations) are certainly developing all kinds of character (gag). But our sons are as well. They are learning how to be empathic and how to deal with disappointment.

I have no doubt that you will get through this time just as you have the other times. It's because you refuse. You "refuse to think my physical pain and current level of depression are forever." And that refusal will help to see you through. I pray that you can hang onto the hope that tomorrow will bring joy.

You said it so aptly in the above post; "I keep saying I don't know how much more I can take, and that I just can't do this anymore -- and then I keep moving forward."

That's EXACTLY how I feel when I get down. Someone once said 'I don't want to go on. I must go on,' which is how I feel-No matter how much I don't want to do it anymore, I wake up the next morning and go on regardless.

It's good that you have pictures to remind you of the good and bad times. Everyone needs that thing to bring them back from the brink and put things into perspective.

Lori... wonderful post, so much of what you said mirrors my own experience. And you are so right, the ONLY way through the tunnel is to keep on walking in the dark until it isn't dark anymore. Each time we share our triumphs we help each other to know there can BE triumphs. Keep on walkin girl, you're doin a great job. :)

How brave you are, to share and put yourself out there. You are an inspiration! I, too, have been sick for many years. I understand the frustration and desperation that at times can be so overwhelming. I wish I had some words of wisdom to help you get through this. I know it will get better, in the meantime, just keep smiling! You are not alone!

Love your insight about looking back to look forward, Lori. It can be eye-opening to look back, and realize how far we've come on our journey. The changes! The fears! The blessings! And then look forward, and know there will be more struggles...and times we'll feel stuck...but there will also be more top-of-the-mountain triumphs!

Lori I value you and your friendship and you are far from useless. Even though you are deep in the dark you are still reaching out and helping people. You are an old soul who enriches everyone you touch.

You are an amazing woman and we would all like to be a little more like you. I'm so sorry for your pain and your depression. I hope you are seeing a good psychiatrist to help you with that. There is no reason not to feel as good as you can feel. My heart aches for you.

You express so well the thoughts I have but seldom reveal...keep your chin up and believe. Be proud to be in harmony with what must be so many others who only keep going in the hope that things will be better. Remembering the bad times past sometimes helps me, when I think of the times I've nearly gone under. It's worth it; it must be.Besides, you'll not rest while you know that thus far I've made 4 +necklaces, a bracelet and 3 pairs of earrings using my Bead Soup swap, and still going!Thank you Lori.Denisein sleety cold England.

and that is all you can do. You are not alone, many many many of us have been there. I remember how hard it is to believe this moment you are in won't last forever. Our brains lie to us. Keep reminding yourself of the truth. Capture your thoughts. You got this.

oh, my dear sweet lady. Thank you. Thank you for sharing what I can't say. I know where you are at, and it's a horrible horrible place.It is so hard to say no to my kids when the reason is that I hurt too much... It seems ridiculous. But they are so much more patient with me than I am with myself.Much love- May the Lord bless you and keep you, Make His face shine on you and give you peace...