Travel

Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, EVA Air has announced a new jet route which will bring a newly designed Boeing 777-300ER Hello Kitty plane to the US by way of Los Angeles. the new route begins September 18, 2013. For those of you who thought that Europe has escaped this catastrophe, they may have done so only for a brief moment. The airline has expressed its desire to torture European countries with an evil feline plane in the future as well.

As if the plane itself isn’t bad enough, EVA air has announced that they will be inviting a group of fanatics to fly on this maiden flight who will be able to get on-board autographs from Yuko Yamaguchi, guaranteeing that the plane will be the absolute worst place that anyone could ever imagine being. In fact, if the government was smart, they would require that any known terrorists be placed on that flight because there seriously couldn’t be any worse torture dealt upon a human being (of course, this can’t be done because even terrorists have some human rights).

I guess all we can do now is hope the pilot takes pity on the rest of us and wanders into no-fly-zone airspace and gets the plane shot down, but that would indicate that there is actually hope in the world dominated by the cat-with-no-mouth. Everyone, take out the barf bags because you’re going to need them.

It seems that the TSA has figured out a less expensive and 100% effective way to make the skies safe. Instead of spending hundreds of millions of dollars to screen each individual before going into the boarding area, they have figured out how to get those without any common sense to reveal themselves (probably without them even realizing it). There would really be no other logical reason for the Hello Kitty boarding pass machines (unless there is a secret campaign taking place by other forms of transportation to get people not to fly, because anyone who stumbled across these probably would feel so nauseated that they would be unable to board a plane).

It’s pretty simple and ingenious if you think about it. Anyone who would willingly go up and get a boarding pass out of one of these machines would have to be insane. Even better, all these people could quickly be loaded onto an appropriate plane where if it does get blown up in the sky, nobody would really care all that much. And if you think about it, anyone that had to go to these machines to get their boarding passes probably is looking for some type of quick death because it surely would be a lot less painful than having to deal with a fanatic that thought getting these tickets would be a good idea…

I guess it’s sort of appropriate that EVA Air has announced today that they will once again start flying Hello Kitty planes since this is the time of the year when things that you thought were long dead come back to life in order to both haunt you and eat your brain (something that the evil feline seems quite adept at doing). Yes, there will be a Hello Kitty plane once again to torture all those that have the unfortunate curse of actually knowing a fanatic that would think this is a good thing. Supposedly there are going to be 3 different Hello Kitty airplanes (just to increase the pain to the next level) that will be based out of the place that also gives the world the Hello Kitty airport, although Eva Air unveiled only this Hello Kitty plane pattern today:

The nightmare for anyone who travels is to somehow find themselves stuck at a Hello Kitty airport getting ready to board a Hello Kitty airplane. For those who live in Hello Kitty Hell and have managed to avoid this fate, the people at Eva Air felt (for some unfathomable reason) that people would like to see in detail how they went about and destroyed one of the planes in their fleet:

One thing that you learn quickly when you live with a Hello Kitty fanatic is that you are never safe from the evil feline when traveling. That’s because no matter where in the world you might be, there is a good chance that a Hello Kitty store exists — and the one universal truth for those living in Hello Kitty Hell is that if there is a Hello Kitty store to be found, the Hello Kitty fanatic will find it. Take these photos and story as a classic example:

You would think that the one time that I could somewhat escape Hello Kitty Hell is when my wife and I take weekend trips around Japan. Yes, there will be the evil feline in every store and shop we walk into, but at least I can escape for a short period as we actually travel. That, of course, assumes that the Hello Kitty fanatic doesn’t know about the many Hello Kitty buses that dot Japan (which my wife most definitely does):

It’s a given when you live in Hello Kitty Hell that something worse than what you have already seen will come along. You know it’s going to happen and you just prepare yourself for that that day coming down the road. What is not anticipated is that the horror will show up so quickly in your email box. In response to the Hello Kitty camper, you knew that there would be a Hello Kitty tent out there:

The weather is getting nicer and when you’re in Hello Kitty Hell, the number one priority is to get out of the house and as far away from the Hello Kitty mess inside as possible. That, of course, was my thinking when asking my wife to go camping, but it seems that the evil feline can’t even leave the great outdoors in peace with the existence of the Hello Kitty camper:

I should have known that Hello Kitty Hell would not let me off that easily. After receiving over 20 emails yesterday about this I thought I could avoid the entire thing by placing a small blurb at the end of a post saying that I was aware and that everyone that visits here can stop sending me emails about it. Of course, in a non Hello Kitty Hell world that would mean that people would stop sending me emails about this and the entire horrific episode could be quickly forgotten as I pretended it never happened — but since I do live in hello Kitty Hell, it instead opened the floodgates and I can now assume that every person that has ever seen this blog has informed me of this news – Hello Kitty has been given an official title and made “goodwill tourism ambassador” of Japan to China and Hong Kong:

It’s a simple question. If you save up money to take a romantic trip to Vienna with your significant other, how would you most want to spend your time?

If you have a Hello Kitty fanatic in your life, you already know the answer…forget the culture, forget the sights, forget the romance, forget the history and head straight for the Hello Kitty shop:

This picture reflects how a holiday to beautiful Vienna can be ruined when finding Kitty World down a side street. Hours upon hours were spent, while missing out on all the sights Vienna has to see…fun

The things about Hello Kitty fanatics is that they take something Hello Kitty that is already unbearable like the Hello Kitty hotel room (which one would assume could never get any worse) and combine it into a video with a song that takes it to as yet unknown nauseating level (warning: play the video at your own risk…)

I warned you. After listening to that once, I would rather have to listen to someone scratching their fingernails against a chalkboard for hours on end than listen to that again. Of course, my wife thinks it’s the “cutest thing ever” so it’s only a matter of time before it makes it way onto her playlist – ahhhh, the things I get to look forward to living in Hello kitty Hell…

If you are a non Hello Kitty fanatic, you probably can’t conceive of anything worse than flying on a Hello Kitty airplane for the holidays, but when it comes to the Hell that Hello Kitty places all Hello Kitty fanatic partners into, a Hello Kitty airplane would never suffice. If you’re going to go to the trouble of building a Hello Kitty airplane, you might as well also build a Hello Kitty airport:

While my wife thinks that this is the greatest idea in the world and now wants to travel on the Hello Kitty airplane even more, this is the type of thing that places the last straw on the camel’s back before breaking it. It would not surprise me in the least bit if they have to provide numerous Hello Kitty barf bags to all the Hello Kitty fanatic partners who are forced to suffer through this.

While I don’t normally support terrorist actions, if a group decided to take over this airport and bomb the building, I think they would be doing a service to mankind and receive the support of millions of people for whatever cause they may have. Since this is unlikely to happen, and since at some point I’m going to be forced to endure this torture, if you happen to see some guy continually barfing into a Hello Kitty barf bag in a corner attempting to shield himself of all the horror surrounding him, feel free to give your sympathy (while bringing some extra barf bags) to someone living in Hello Kitty Hell — it just might be me…

Sent in by Kitty Baby, who should have to live in that airport for the rest of her life for even thinking for a moment it would be a good idea to send me these photos…

I miss forks. Living in Japan where we use chopsticks all the time and stabbing food with them is considered extremely rude, you aren’t able to pull something like this off and be able to claim to the Hello Kitty fanatic next to you that you had no intention of inflicting any harm to the evil feline in any way:

Sent in by Pilar (via Richy!) who deserves a beer if we ever meet for letting me imagine that I will be able to do something like this to take out my frustration and get away with it if I’m ever forced to fly on the Hello Kitty airline…

The problem going anywhere when you live in Hello Kitty Hell is that the destination is always someplace to see Hello Kitty. While in the past I was able to escape Hello Kitty for a few moments here and there, it is becoming more and more difficult to do so as everything succumbs to Hello Kittification. For example, when we go someplace, my wife wants to stay in a Hello Kitty hotel room and unfortunately, there are more and more of these that exists these days:

Rooms like this are on par with our house meaning it isn’t like escaping Hello Kitty Hell at all. In fact, it’s even worse because the place is new so my wife has to spend fifteen minutes on every single Hello Kitty item in the room explaining how she can incorporate into our own house.

You would think that anyone who was forced to stay in a room like this would at least have the decency to completely trash the place so nobody else would have to endure the pain of staying there, but alas, this never seems to happen.

It’s only a matter of time before my wife attempts to plan a week vacation where we are never out of site of Hello Kitty and the scariest thing about this is that it’s probably possible. Just thinking about it gives me a Hellish Hello Kitty headache…

Thanks to hellosis (via sunflower700) who should have to spend her entire life in rooms like these.

It is an extremely rare occasion when I’m sent a Hello Kitty photo that actually is appropriate to my plight:

Man, I feel for your situation. I just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone. While my girlfriend’s obsession isn’t on the same level as your wife’s, it’s enough to let me know the torture that Hello Kitty brings. So I thought you might like this.

Now if I have to have something with Hello Kitty on it, I can’t think of anything more appropriate to represent Hello Kitty Hell than a Hello Kitty barf bag. If my wife does decide to torture me with a consistent menu of Hello Kitty food in the future, when I get sick I can simply say I am filling up the bag with Hello Kitty and the thought of doing something like that brings a smile to my face…

Thanks to Brian who definitely deserves to never have to eat any Hello Kitty food from his girlfriend…

Now that we are back in Japan, I know that my Hello Kitty Hell will only increase in intensity. In the US, you can take a walk or drive and get away from Hello Kitty in times of desperation. When you live in Japan, however, there is no escaping Hello Kitty no matter where you go. Every shop has something Hello Kitty – it’s nauseating just thinking about it.

Of course, it wouldn’t be Hello Kitty Hell if I wasn’t bombarded with something Hello Kitty before we actually arrived in Japan. My wife decided that our current luggage, although perfectly functional, wasn’t cute enough. And of course, Hello Kitty luggage does exist:

Worst of all, they come in three patterns meaning that my wife wants all three. While I’m sure that Hello Kitty Hell will bring even more hideous tortures to me, at the moment I can’t think of anything less embarrassing than walking through a crowded airport dragging a Hello Kitty suitcase behind me…

Update: Now that we are planning our winter holiday, my wife thinks that what she needs is a new set of Hello Kitty luggage guaranteeing that our travels will be just as Hello Kitty Hellish as staying at home…

One aspect of living in a Hello Kitty Hell is that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t think like normal people. Their minds get so obsessed with Hello Kitty that the main object of anything suggested gets turned around from what has been suggested to Hello Kitty.

I treasure the trips that I take. When we travel, it means I get some reprieve from Hello Kitty – at least that was the case several years ago. It’s now getting more and more difficult as this recent conversation can attest:

me: I’d like to plan an overseas trip. Where would you like to go?

wife: Oh, I don’t care. Any place is fine.

me: I was thinking about South America. Maybe Argentina.

wife: No, not there.

me: How about someplace in Africa. I’d really like to see the wildlife there.

wife: No, not there.

me: How about Russia? I’ve always thought that would be a great place to visit.

wife: No, not there.

me: I thought you said that any place was fine. That you didn’t care.

wife: I don’t as long as we can travel on this plane (takes me to her computer to show me the below photo) and it doesn’t go to those places.

me: That is a Taiwanese plane. We can only go to Taiwan. wife: Great, I’m glad we can agree where we want to go…

So our next overseas trip has been delegated to EVA air and wherever their Hello Kitty airplane goes. Of course, once she got it into her mind that this was acceptable, she had to show me photos of what the trip was going to be like. The stewardesses will all be wearing Hello Kitty uniforms:

But it doesn’t stop there. The interior of the plane is decorated Hello Kitty and even cups, trays and snacks:

Worst of all? Even the food is Hello Kitty.

Now why is it when terrorists blow up planes, they never have the decency to blow up the planes that would be a service to the world?