Archive for August 26th, 2008

OK, So it may seem like I’ve been on a consistent critical rant the last few posts but… Well… Aww, who am I kidding. I am on a ranting rampage. I keep running into all of this crazy steel sculptures masquerading as blades of some sort.

And here is the the inspiration for todays rant:

Darkness Power Bowie

[click image to view full size]

Ahhh yes… A bowie of darkness and power…

NOT!

Normally I’d be all about nitpicking all of the reasons why this is not really a knife at all, and has more in common with a metal sculpture, but hopefully it should be obvious to all of you why…

On second thought, I’m going to spell it out anyway, for any new readers…

First of all, <Arnie voice> “This is naht uh BOWEE… IT’S NAHT AH BOWEE!! </Arnie voice> Nope. I dunno what it is… But it’s just not a bowie knife. Unless someone updated the knife design rulebook and didn’t send me the memo. And if any of you are about to say “No, no, no, you don’t understand, it’s a FANTASY bowie!”, STOP! Before you even finish the thought, I want you to slap yourself. Twice. In the face. With a slab of raw steak.

No, even better, use a frozen side of beef. Three times. Yes. Like that. Feel better? Good. Because I really don’t feel like talking about the kinds of things I dream about doing to the idiots who come up with all of these “fantasy” versions of real weapons that have no relationship WHATSOEVER with the real weapons in question, besides having an edge. At least not today. Just believe me. This is not a bowie knife.

But that, in and of itself, is not my biggest peeve with this thing. My thing, first and foremost, is that a blade is designed to be USED. At least in my paradigm of the universe. And, on any blade, it’s grip, or handle, is the part of the weapon/tool that is intended specifically to allow any sharp implement to be used. Preferably without the wielder sacrificing a digit, (or two, or maybe even three) every time they wield/use it.

Now tell me, kind readers, what do we have here for a grip? I’ll tell you. On this thing, where there should be a nice, roughly cylindrical grip, preferably with wooden scales or some other similarly hospitable gripping surface, we have… a skeletal hand. Huh. Yeah. Nooosiree… There will be no wielding of this nifty little art piece, unless you like shaking hands with the long departed, but recently exhumed. To each his or her own, I guess… But that kinda stuff really doesn’t do it for me.

I suppose I might be being a little harsh. After all, this is clearly not intended to be any kind of functional blade… But I can hear, in my head, the cries of honest hardworking bowie knives the world over… And I assure you, they are all thoroughly insulted to have this hoity toity piece of worthless steel disrespectfully lumped in the same category with them…