…is a long one but you learn a lot along the way.

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It’s time.

I wrote a few months ago about going off of Wellbutrin and how scared I was. My doctor wants to see how much progress I’ve made in the last 3 years. Apparently Wellbutrin can also cause anxiety. I was advised to take it every other day for 2 weeks before going off of it cold turkey. Well, today is the day. I didn’t take it this morning. I have bad anxiety when I do take it so it can’t be making that much of a difference, right? Well it wasn’t until about 2pm. I began to feel like a space cadet. Everything around me is moving in slow motion. Feeling this way is giving me anxiety. I work a full time corporate job and I’m worried about the impact this may have. I told my boss I was going through some things and she told me to work from home “as much as I need to”. Does that mean everyday for probably the next month? Probably not. Since I work in a cube farm there isn’t really anywhere to go when I start having an anxiety attack. That gives me more anxiety. I don’t want people to know and I don’t like spectators.

I’m seeing a new therapist next Wednesday. Hoping that talking to someone as I’m going through this will help. There’s a psychiatrist there as well so if it turns out I still need to be medicated maybe I can be put on something that will actually help me. I need to stop treating the physical problems that I have that are caused by anxiety and start treating the root cause of the physical problems: the anxiety. I’m hoping I can be med free but if I can’t, I can’t. I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that I have this mental illness and I may need to be medicated the rest of my life to function as a normal human being. It’s a hard pill to swallow but it is what it is. Got to play the cards you were dealt.

I’m not sure if my timing for doing this is bad – I’m flying to visit my parents in GA in September. It’s only a 2 hour flight but flying = panic. Flying alone = double panic. I’m trying not to think about that right now, one step at a time.

Time for me to attempt to gain control of myself. It’s going to be a long road but the first step is taken. Wish me luck…