Cooler Versions of Your Favourite Dinosaurs

We all grew up reading the same old dinosaur books with the same old line-up; T. rex, Stegosaurus, Brontosaurus…. and then, if you made it past the usual suspects all the way to the end, you were introduced to a few ice age mammals like the woolly mammoth or the sabertooth tiger. Pretty much every book had the same few creatures. Anyone could be forgiven for thinking that less than a dozen different animals inhabited the Earth before mankind showed up and started eating everything.

Luckily, science never stops searching for new things. And as everybody knows, dinosaur science is the best science (or ‘paleontology’ as pedantic scientists like to call it [or ‘palaeontology’ as the extra pedantic European scientists like to call that]). In recent times, lots of new dinosaurs have been discovered, many of which put the ‘classic’ ones to shame. Not satisfied with that? New research has shown that some of the dinos we already knew about (but had been overlooked in favour of the usual suspects) were in fact infinitely cooler than the ones hogging the limelight.

With that in mind, Geek Ireland presents to you better versions of your favourite dinosaurs.

Velociraptor, on Steroids

Balaur bondoc (meaning ‘beefy [that word is criminally underused in the dinosaur naming tradition] dragon’) would have looked like a Velociraptor that spent all of its time at the gym. Forget opening doors, if this bugger was in Jurassic Park it probably would have ran through walls! Far more stocky and having not one, but two killer sickle claws on each foot, it could have been twice as deadly as its famous cousin!

That said, since one slashing toe claw per foot was obviously a suitable killing weapon (Velociraptor and its ilk were a highly successful dinosaur family, lasting close to 100 million years), just what was Balaur bondoc doing with two? Killing things twice before they hit the ground? Curiously, Balaur bondoc inhabited an island populated by miniature versions of well-known dinosaurs, so having a ‘double raptor’ seems like a bit of overkill. Was Balaur bondoc prehistory’s greatest bully?

For the record, not all scientists agree that Balaur bondoc was actually a member of the ‘raptor’ family of dinosaurs. Some have interpreted as a particularly beefy type of bird, which may even have been a vegetarian. Perhaps that was Balaur bondoc’s cover story? Pretend to be a harmless plant-eating bird and then “BLAMMO!” – the master dinosaur assassin strikes.

Mini Tyrannosaurus

Imagine a sleeker, faster and sexier (What? Dinosaurs are sexy!) version of T. rex and you have Nanotyrannus lancensis (or Nano-T as the cool kids like to call it). Before you think Nanotyrannus couldn’t possibly have been badass due to its lack of size, think again! This little badass was more than happy to go mono-a-mono with much larger dinosaurs similar to the mighty Triceratops in a fight to the death! Granted, the Nanotyrannus died too, but the fact that this little trooper managed to kill its much larger adversary in the process speaks volumes for its ‘funk-you-I-won’t-do-what-you-tell-me’ attitude. Could this be the first ever example of short man syndrome being preserved in the fossil record?

The History Channel’s documentary series Jurassic Fight Club depicted a Nanotyrannus attacking a fully grown Tyrannosaurus rex for reasons which, to this day, are nowhere near understood.

It did not end well for the Nanotyrannus…

The legitimacy of Nanotyrannus as a valid dinosaurgenus is disputed, with many scientists arguing that they are in fact juvenile T. rexes. If that is the case, it would seem that young tyrannosaurs had some seriously big shoes to fill. Perhaps recklessly attacking a much larger dinosaur was some sort of weird rite of passage in tyrannosaur society, like when your parents let you drive the family car for the first time, only much cooler.

Extra Horny Triceratops

Triceratops is often referred to as a three-horn as its name quite literally translates to ‘three-horned face’. While Triceratop certainly was flashy, it had nothing on its close relative Styracosaurus albertensis which boasted one massive novelty oversized horn and loads of fierce looking spikes sticking out of the back of its head.

To prove its coolness once and for all, Styracosaurus teamed up with Turok to wreak sweet back-mounted duel-linked missile launcher with a side order of heavy machine gun fire based havoc in a video game (1:40 in). No one survived.

Stegosaurus, Now with Added Scissors!

Often cited as the best dinosaur, good ol’ Stegosaurus probably thought it was the niftiest dinosaur in town, what with its tail spikes and funky plates. After all, those tail spikes were effective killing weapons which would make even the most fearsome of predators think twice about causing trouble with the ol’ Stego.

Another dinosaur called Gastonia burgei however, puts Stegosaurus to absolute shame though, with a bite proof armour coating, all manner of intimidating spikes and even a set of scissors to slice n’ dice would-be attackers! No, seriously, this living medieval torture rack actually had a naturally occurring scissors (just behind the back leg) which could have de-limbed an attacker unfortunate enough to pick a fight with the business end of an irate Gastonia. We now know why all the meat eating dinosaurs went extinct – its name was Gastonia.

“Wanna make somethin’ of it?”

Medieval Mace-Wielding Brontosaurus

Yeah, we all know the name ‘Brontosaurus’ hasn’t been a valid name for over 100 years (until they brought it back), but people like it anyway (in fairness it sounds much cooler than the correct name ‘Apatosaurus‘). Brontosaurus remains an icon about everything we traditionally associate with dinosaurs; massive, unlike anything we have today and kin of stupid. While only about half the size of a Brontosaurus (suitable to ride to work), Shunosaurus lii had a big spiked club on the end of its tail which could be used to annihilate those who would dare oppose it. Who would you fancy in a fight; a large but unarmed man, or a smaller, feistier man armed with a medieval mace? I know who I would bet on.

Shunosaurus displays ‘the business end of things’ – image by Arthur Weasley.

Rumour has it that Shunosaurus was also a bit of a drug addict (thanks Dinotasia)…

Pteranodon? More Like, Terror-NO-Don!

While not technically a dinosaur, Pteranodon usually gets the obligatory ‘flying reptile’ spot in most books, despite being an over glorified seagull. It even appeared in three Jurassic Park movies (controversially, they had teeth in JP3, which is strange when you consider that the name Pteranodon quite literally means “wings, no teeth”).

If the filmmakers had instead opted to use one of the giant azhdarchidae (try spelling that when you’re drunk!), the films’ obligatory ‘flying threat’ would have been a much more frightening prospect. These abominations were as tall as giraffes, with a head bigger than a person and, despite their ability to fly, they actively hunted dinosaurs (DINOSAURS!!!) on the ground (perhaps for no reason other than them being sadists). Now that’s what I call a Terrordactyl!

Sabertooth Tiger, Now with More Teeth!

Smilodon is another one of those ‘classic’ prehistoric creatures which routinely makes up the numbers toward the end of children’s dinosaur books despite not actually being a dinosaur. Not even the fabled dentition of this ‘sabertooth tiger’ was as impressive as that of Thylacosmilus atrox, a marsupial (the types of mammals tht carry their young in a pouch like a kangaroo) alternative whose sabres were even proportionately larger than those of Smilodon. Just to be on the safe side, Thylacosmilus‘ fangs never stopped growing until the day it died, assumably from the mother of all toothaches (think of a hamster that can kill you).

Less Than Woolly Mammoth

Whist certainly a staple of prehistory, the woolly mammoth is somewhat overrated, in that, far from being a unique type of dinosaur, it is essentially a very hairy elephant. You can see that down at the zoo if you have some Prit-Stik and some old wigs handy (on that note, have you ever felt the urge to build your on Jurassic Park?). What you won’t find down at your local zoo however, is a miniature cartoony version of an elephant called Mammuthus exilis that was only about five feet tall, small enough keep in the corner your garage and use it to pick up chicks thanks to its incalculable levels of adorableness!

“Gotta catch ’em all, Mammuthus!” – Art by Stanton F. Fink.

Allosaurus

Ask any kid what Allosaurus was and they are likely to say something alogng the lines of, “Like a T. rex, but not as good” (hence why we’ve put it last on this list – to remind it that it will always be remembered as one of prehistory’s ‘also rans’). Jealous of T. rex‘s popularity and devilish good looks, Allosaurus grew bigger and stronger, moved to the southern States, evolved a cool sail on its back and renamed itself Acrocanthosaurus atokensis. There is even evidence that suggests that this T. rex sized beast hunted dinosaurs even bigger than itself.

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About The Author

Sean is Geek Ireland's resident dinosaur enthusiast, having been fascinated by prehistory since a time before he could read (it's not as long ago as you might think!) - he recently completed a degree in Dinosaur Paleobiology.
In his spare time, Sean writes for Geek Ireland predominantly about science fiction and monster movies. A sucker for a "so bad it's good" creature feature, he can often be found rooting through the bargain bins of DVD shops, looking for 'diamonds in the rough'.