William and Kate left suicidal after first NCT class

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have been placed on suicide watch after returning home from their first NCT class. A source close to the young royals said that “I’ve never seen them like that before, it was like all the light had just disappeared from their eyes”.

According to eye witness reports, the couple began the inaugural Chelsea & Westminster National child Trust session by nervously standing in the corner of the room, with the Duke looking down at his shoes, trying not to stare at the breast-tattoos being displayed by the portly single mother from the Worlds end Estate.

One attendee stated that “at first they were pretty-much like everyone else; trying to blend in and not be the first to say anything stupid, then this city Trader turned up with his 19-year-old Russian girlfriend, walked straight up to the couple and told them that he spent more on getting his balls waxed than Highgrove makes in a year”.

Another couple invited them over for dinner, citing that it would be a good excuse to christen the kitchen they’d recently had installed, with Tuscan marble work-surfaces, a butler’s sink and an authentic Edwardian farmhouse table. The royal couple politely declined, citing commitments at the upcoming Prince’s Trust charity cake sale somewhere in The Gambia.

"Interestingly, Kate struck up quite the rapport with a local Chelsea fan who was clad in sovereign rings, Doctor Martins and a bomber jacket", according to another witness. "The pair were hitting it off famously, until the Duchess mentioned that she was looking forward to watching Chopper Harris stop Beefy from getting a sweet overhead try in the last over".

One couple, a pair of lawyers, tried to strike up a conversation about the benefits of buying a small flat in Clapham for the help, but by then it was too late; Kate’s eyes had glazed over and she had burst out in cold sweats, William was vomiting in the corner.

“Their first real insight into normal British life has left them hollow, empty and without Hope”, stated one royal spokesman, “the thought of having to rule this detritus, and have the worlds media pour over the inevitable family photo shoot in Hello Magazine, was enough to tip the balance”.

One royal Lady in Waiting said of the couple, “Kate staggered in through the palace door after returning from their NCT session white as a sheet, she was cradling herself and shivering and kept on saying ‘cold, so cold’, it was horrific”, she added, “His Highness walked in and started banging his head against the wall, then he went to the nearest suit of armour, removed the sword, and stumbled off to the drawing room muttering something about the ancient Japanese ritual of Seppuku”.