Please Pass The Butter

My mother-in-law always says “no matter where you go you can always find someone fatter than you.” If you are having trouble in this area…well…I’m sorry…you’re it. For the rest of you this is quite accurate information even though it came from my mother-in-law and there is no statistical data available to back this statement up. That all being said lets continue to believe this is true.

There we were wedged into the seats provided, sitting uncomfortably comfortable in our allotted space so that we do encroach over the seats around us, when we witnessed ushers approaching fatter fatties that were unable to take on the challenge of “The Seats.” They just didn’t have the fight in them…or damn, they were just really fat. We watched in amazement when an usher said to the fatter fatties “Not to be rude but you’re just not gonna fit” as she made the supersized motion with her arms. My wife and I laughed, joking about the usher getting a giant lubed up shoehorn sprayed with Pam, the butter flavored kind to help them glide into their seat. Of course if this was happening to us we would not be laughing at all, but because it’s someone else we can laugh… it’s fair game!

As we took in a few chuckles while not chocking on our oversized pretzels, we had a good, jolly, belly laugh until we witnessed the usher escort these fatter fatties to another section.. the handicapped section. Here these fatties could sprawl out on padded folding chairs with plenty of room all around them. These seats where also located in the more expensive ticket area closer to the stage. Where is it that one draws a line to say “you are so fat… you’re handicapped”? How uncomfortable does one need to be until they are deemed eligible to be called Fatticapped. We are all for fat people rights, but why should someone get upgraded to a more luxurious seat for just being fat? My wife and I are fat too, but we were made to suffer in silence. After realizing that people were being compensated with better seats just for carrying more tonnage, my wife and I tried to appear as though we were struggling within our confines. Sadly the ushers could see through our ruse. They did not deem us Fatticaped, which usually would be good, unless it means better seats.

We watched as several spectators fatter than us got moved up. There had to have been at least a half a dozen that we witnessed go to the promise land of wider seats and wide open spaces. The kicker here was if the fatty had a non fat friend, they also moved up, as the ushers did not want to leave the fatty all by their lonesome, even though they have their fat to keep them warm. I saw one couple who resembled the number ten who were upgraded. During the concert I saw the large one… we’ll call her #0… sitting like a lump, and her “date” we’ll call him #1 basking in the glory of all his extra space, dancing up a storm, he had room to do back flips and a solo Pasodoble.

I guess I’ll have to gain some weight before my next concert so that I can enjoy a seat in the promised land. Let’s face it, we all know gaining weight is easier than losing it.

I have been trying for weeks to come up with a perfect topic to write about, and every night I do my best to come up with one with no success. As I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep it finally came to me, fat people, especially fat men do not like it when someone comes up to them, pats them on the back and says “How’s it going big guy?” Actually this doesn’t really apply to women. I don’t think anyone has ever said to a fat woman “How’s it going large lady?” Or “hey there big gal!” or “How you doing broad-backed babe?” (If I’m wrong ladies please let me know.) I have heard lots of times people calling my husband, brother, and father “Big Guy.”

I’m not sure when it was decided “Big Guy” was an appropriate way to greet someone, but I’m pretty positive fat guys don’t like it. No one likes to have pointed out they are big even if it is true. This greeting is usually done by a guy who is not big which makes it worse. Like I have stated before, it is okay for fat people to make fun of themselves and other fat people like them, but is not okay for skinny people to do it. The problem comes in the fact that the person doing the greeting doesn’t think he is being offensive to the fat guy. I think the skinny guy thinks he is being nice and doing the fat guy a favor by saying hello to him and giving the fat guy a nickname.

The other part of this greeting a fat guy doesn’t like is being patted. For some reason my husband is always getting patted on the back, arm or shoulder. I understand these parts of my husband’s body are large, but that does not mean they are meant to be a bull’s eye for everyone to pat. Fat people including women on this one generally don’t like to be patted. It causes the fat to jiggle and can be felt by the fat person as well as the non-fat person doing the patting. Often seeing the sight of a person coming toward a fat person with his or her hand in the position of a tennis racket ready to strike a ball, causes the fat person to become tense waiting for the smack this then makes the whole greeting uncomfortable making the fat person seem anti-social, which then causes the patting, big guy-calling greeter to quickly say “Well, I’ll catch you later.” The greeter tends to think, “Ah that was so nice of me to say hello to that poor awkward, fat person,” and the fat guy tends to feel as though he has just been molested and insulted. If you are a skinny guy reading this and have been guilty of greeting fat people in this way, just keep in mind, jiggling a person and pointing out to a person they are big is not an appropriate way to say hello. Try a hand shake and using the person’s name next time.

I know what you are thinking… How could a fat person not like Pot lucks. Well there are actually two sides to this and it is one of those issues that divides fat people. There are basically two groups of fat people… Those that do not care they are fat and in fact revel in their rotundness and then there are those that are self coconscious and constantly worried about their fatness and what people must think of them. The latter group looks upon the first group with disgust and often times feel superior to the group that doesn’t care even though often times they are in worse shape. But that is for another time.

With that being said the self-conscious group hates being involved in pot lucks. For one reason fat people are by nature lazy and preparing food that is for someone else to consume is a hassle they would rather not deal with. Why make food for others when you can stay home and eat it all yourself? Another reason is the self restraint involved, especially when you know there is a line behind you watching everything you put on your plate knowing that they are watching to see what ingredients a person eats to make them fat. A fat person hears the voices in their head as they pick a measly piece of meat from here, a small scoop of this, and they hear this from people behind them… “Come on fatty leave some for the rest of us!” Many a time I have seen the look in someone’s eyes as they realize I will be in front of them in line. A look of fear and hate that there will be no food left for them after the Buffetosaurus Rex is done with the food line. Then compound this with the fact that many fat people actually do eat all the food and there is even more reason to hate potluck.

Many times I have looked like a jerk to coworkers who have been unable to get away from their desk and so asked me to fill a plate for them. I have to come up with some excuse as to why I can not help them. I know from experience the looks a large person gets when walking away from a potluck with two plates. Trust me… at times (who am I kidding.. all the time) I want nothing more than to consume large quantities of a variety of food. But I save that for the privacy of my own home… in the corner with only my own shame to make me feel bad…. That or Old Country Buffet where everyone else is either fat or too old to know what is going on around them.

I suppose this is one of those things that non fat people dislike too. But I think the supersized individual dislikes it even more. The hatred of low water pressure comes from two places. The first of which stems from a piece of equipment that creates many mixed emotions for a fat person… The Toilet. You see since fat people consume large amounts of food they must also dispose proportionate amounts. Nothing strikes more fear into the heart of a fatty (except maybe a Co-Worker snatching the last maple bar out of the Community donut box) than a pitiful swirl caused by low water pressure that is insufficient in even moving a giant sized turd. For all you not fatty thrill seekers out there if you want to get your heart pumping eat as much food as possible and then go to an acquaintance’s house that has low water pressure and drop a bomb. Watching as the deposit swirls and makes its way up to the rim of bowl is sure to make you squirt out any remaining Doody into your pants… That is if you have pulled them up already.

With that said, the second part of low water pressure is the almost nonexistent stream of water or worse yet the water saving shower head that creates nothing more than a mist. Contrary to popular belief some of the large brethren actually try to clean themselves even going as far as including spots under the folds to remove the stinky stank. This is near impossible with a low water pressure. Just as you would not try to clean off an elephant with a squirt gun… you should not attempt to clean of a fat person with a Low water pressure showers. They are a big’uns worst enemy. To better understand this it is important to realize that the path the water has to take to be able to reach the parts that need the most cleaning, it must travel around bulbous stomachs and large behinds. If it is a trickle by the time it gets past these obstacles it is pointless.

You may say… “Hey Tubby…What about wash clothes? Why not just scrub off the dirt?” Well Most Fat people I know have an aversion to wash clothes… Especially community wash clothes used by multiple fat family members. We know what hides in those dark places and can be transferred to a germ infested cloth. Besides we know that we need the full power that only a bar of soap in direct contact with our skin can provide. Rinsing off this full on soap attack is at the very heart of problem. If not properly rinsed off (especially in the cracks) this sudsy chemical layer reacts when left to heat and feaster in the nether regions. The lubricated cheeks then create more problems as one waddles which I will not get into at this point.

So as you can see low water pressure may be an inconvenience or undesirable for a regular person but for a fat person it is much more.

As I sat in a meeting next to a fellow behemoth I noticed that along with a nice dress shirt, tie and pants this gentleman was wearing a shiny new pair of forest green Crocs. Then as I was leaving the meeting i looked down and noticed my shoe was untied. I knew it would have to stay this way until getting back to my desk so as not to attempt to bend over in front of everyone. Once at my desk I was able to tie it while sitting down. This enables me to reach my foot by bringing it up to my lap. Somehow we fatties have developed the ability to bend the leg at the knee and bring the foot up relative far to compensate for the inability to bend over. This does however result in the bow of the shoe lace to end up to one side of the foot. Look at a foot of a Chubster next time and you will see what I mean. Once regaining my breath from this strenuous procedure I realized how much I hate shoe laces. Later at lunch as I made my way to the local grocery store deli to partake in the Chicken strip lunch special (Bigguns may want to visit their local Fred Meyer for this great feast which includes 3 giant strips, any side.. but who wouldn’t pick the Jo Jo’s.. A soda and a roll all for under $5! And they toss in free ranch! Boo Ya! That is some good eatin’ see figure 1-1) I noticed all the fatties especially the ones driving around on the motorized fat conveyance devices (you know the I am too fat and lazy to walk around picking out items for my next gorge session. Ever notice how the back end of these folks spill over the sides and hide the scooter there by making the person appear to float on a cloud of Fatness.. but I digress.) Where was I oh yes… They all had on either sandals (that appear to meld into the fatty foot, some form of crocs or slip on shoes, or Velcro. It dawned on me.. it wasn’t just me… Fat people hate shoe laces!

Luckily there are a few ways around this.. see cheater foot wear as mentioned above or my personal choice… tie your shoe once and then slip your shoe on and off while still tied. This can be aided with one of the world’s great inventions for Tubbies… The shoe horn on a stick. If there was a site devoted to what fat people Love this would be on the list!

Much of the dislike of shoe laces comes about over the fact that Fat people hate to bend over! If you have ever witnessed a fat person bend over ( I am sure you will agree it is a rare occurrence) you will notice we have developed an elaborate system using one arm out perpendicular and one leg straight out back.(see Figure 1-2) This form is both for balance and a counter weight system to help enable one to right once self by swinging the leg back into place causing enough moment to bring the upper half back up to place similar to a pendulum. This one arm method makes it incredibly hard to tie a shoe. (Please cross reference with http://www.whatpeoplewithoneArmHate.com to understand why). Also a fat person must hold their breath when bending over because the girth pushing on internal organs and lungs makes it impossible to breath. If my shoe becomes untied and chubs mcgee can not wait until a chance to sit down he will immediately look for a raised curb or a stair step of some sort, anything to bring the foot closer. For a fat person the ground may as well be a mile away because it takes just as much time and work to get there… Except on slippery grass or in a public shower because the ground comes at a fat person pretty quick for a fat person (see figure 2-1) not to mention the natural phenomenon that occurs after a fat person falls that enables them to get back to their feet faster than the time it takes to inhale a Chocolate shake. And so after all this I dub the Croc. the new Moo Moo. It is the ultimate form of fat people comfort while disregarding all elements of style.

Today I was going through my list of things fat people hate trying to decide what to sit down and write next when I heard the weather report for later this week. The weatherman said that Thursday we would have highs in the mid 80’s. At first I experienced jubilation to bask in the sun and enjoy a lovely warm spring day… then I remembered that I am a fatty who will sweat buckets and buckets of nasty sticky salty sweat.

Everyone likes the sun, without it things would pretty much suck, but the hot hot sun is something different. Most fat people consume gallons of Diet Coke, Dr. Pepper, milkshakes, and Slurpees in the spring and summer months. Why hydrate yourself with water? There’s some water in everything we drink right? Sitting around under the hot hot sun tends to work like rotisserie chicken with large people. The sun beats down while the consumed soda or milkshakes bleed out of the fatty’s pores. While the flow of sweat runs down the sun tends to cook the sweat onto the skin creating an indescribable stickiness. This sticky paste is generally accompanied by the smell of sour milk, cheese, and pork rinds that pollutes the air and most likely causes holes in the ozone layer. This smell is extremely disgusting to others while it creates the sense of “hunger” for the fat person.

Yes the hot hot sun is no friend to those around fat people at all. It also causes the sloth like tendencies to go into a Supersloth mode. What may have taken ten minutes in “normal” temperatures now takes twenty. Tasks like doing yard work or walking to the mailbox may simply be impossible under high temperatures. However should the ice cream man come around the bend you know that porky is going to run like a Kenyan to get a fist full of Chaco Tacos.

WFPDL reader Lesa reminded me of something that fat people certainly don’t like. Thank you Lesa for reminding me how much I hate other people’s furniture. This actually reminds me of several occasions where I actually broke other peoples furniture. Fat people have a hard enough time with their own furniture because their butt imprints make for odd looking couches and chairs. You never have to ask a fat person in their home “is this your spot?” You can easily tell by looking at the imprint in the furniture. Everything takes a beating when mass tonnage is involved. Myself and people I know have destroyed many bed frames, lawn furniture and tables.

I didn’t think much about sitting on other people’s furniture until one day I was at my dad’s house. He and his wife had my family over for dinner because they knew I was fat and I enjoyed such activities. Getting ready to dine I grabbed the chair, pulled it out, sat down and then the chair broke into kindling while I fell on my hind end while my wife shook her own bowl full of jelly thinking “thank God it wasn’t me!” Naturally this brought embarrassment to me and my dad tried to cushion the blow to my self esteem by saying “That’s a piece of junk chair that’s okay it’s the chairs fault” Not really though because the chair didn’t ask for me to sit on it, and the table and chairs were newly purchased and not on the cheap side. The chair just couldn’t take my girth. My face stayed bright red the rest of the night.

Cut to a month later. We joked about the last time I was there and broke their chair and we were about to sit down for dinner, again because they knew I was fat and I enjoyed such activities. My dad’s wife had waiting for me an ugly old chair to sit on while everyone else is in the other chairs that matched the one I broke. I carefully sat down and somehow the leg started to bust off and the chair fell to the ground. How can this happen to me again! Just find me a rock to sit on please! Not one broken chair, but TWO!

When going to another’s house you must try and gauge how well the furniture is built before sitting down The best way to do this by leaning on the chair and wiggling it slightly. If it tends to sway stay away. If you can simply stay standing at all times you will never have to worry about breaking other peoples furniture. Just remember to bend at the knees to avoid buckling and passing out, stay away from wicker, and low to the ground chairs.

You must be careful not to break other people’s furniture while at the same time avoiding being stuck in a chair. If you find that you are stuck in a chair at a friends house you must do everything in your power to getup without asking for help. Imagine a chocolate cream pie as your reward for getting up without help…if that doesn’t help energize your sloth like tendencies simply throw yourself on the floor and fake a heart attack. Your fat your friend will believe that you really are having a heart attack because you are fat and the medics can help you up saving the embarrassment from your friend helping you out of your seat.

When it comes down to it try not going to other people’s houses. It’s safer for everyone for you to stay at home.