Political advice for Zuckerberg: Keep writing the checks

Facebook Chairman and CEO Mark Zuckerberg delivers the keynote address to kick off the F8 Facebook' Developer Conference in San Jose, Calif. on Tues. April 18, 2017.

Facebook Chairman and CEO Mark Zuckerberg delivers the keynote...

Word that Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg just hired Hillary Clinton’s former top political strategist, Joel Benenson, to advise him and his wife, Priscilla Chan, on their philanthropic pursuits is being met with predictable overheated reaction in the political world:

Philanthropy? Yeah, right. Zuck is running for president!

Here’s how the punditocracy sped to that conclusion: Zuckerberg’s annual self-improvement plan for 2017 was to visit all 50 states to give himself a different perspective on the world. The early stops have included talking to truckers in Iowa (First caucus state!) and learning about the opioid crisis in Ohio (Ultimate swing state! Hot topic du jour!). Combine that with Zuckerberg’s ability to self-fund ($73 billion net worth!); his hiring of former President Barack Obama’s 2008 campaign manager, David Plouffe, to steer his philanthropic efforts (Yes We Can, part two!); and, of course, his denials about running for office (“I’m not”) and the conclusion is undeniable:

Zuck is running for president!

Deep breath, everyone. Before we print the ballots and bust out the bunting, let’s imagine what a first memo from Zuck’s political adviser would look like:

We’ve taken a look into the “national philanthropic scene” that you asked us to check out. The feedback we gathered on your plan to “give back to the American voters” is a mixed bag. Politics turns out to be a lot harder than people in the tech world think.

•If you’re going to run as a Democrat — c’mon, you work in the valley, you’ve got no choice — how do you tap into the party’s real energy center right now, which is just to the left of Bernie Sanders? And, thanks to Bernie, there’s not a lot of love there for — say it all together now — “millionaires and billionaires.”

Overcoming that is going to be harder than blocking spammy friend requests from women on Facebook. But we’ve got a few ideas on what your challenges will be and what you should do to take them on:

Problem: Your wealth: The good news is that America now has no problem electing billionaires. The bad news is that the one America elected isn’t doing the billionaire brand any favors.

That’s all fantastic. But you can’t buy love. Especially from Democrats, as they’re kind of suspicious of rich business guys running for office. Just ask California Gov. Al Checchi.

Our wealth solution: You gotta do something about the hoodie. We know it’s your signature look, but our research says that the hoodie doesn’t play well in the swing states. It says to unemployed middle-aged white guys in Iowa — dweebs in hoodies have jobs and they don’t. Scares older people who watch too much Fox News.

But we get it. The hoodie is your look. So here’s a compromise: Cut off the sleeves.

Yeah, go the full Bill Belichick. People respect the New England Patriots’ coach because he’s a winner. Plus, he’s got gravitas and a vaguely blue-collar vibe. You need that. So grab a pair of scissors, because in politics it’s more important how you look than what you say.

Problem: Your image: Politically, it stinks east of Palo Alto. You were the only Democrat who couldn’t beat Trump in a hypothetical 2020 matchup in a Public Policy Polling survey last month. You tied, 40 percent apiece. That same survey found that 47 percent of voters had no opinion of you. Of those who had an opinion of you, more felt negatively about the Zuck (29 percent) than positively.

Maybe that has to do with the fact that few Americans have ever heard you speak. They think of Jesse Eisenberg, the caustic, introverted dweeb who played you in “The Social Network” as a caustic, introverted dweeb and who was rejected by women. As our president would say: Sad!

Our image solution: You fund a remake of “The Social Network.” But this time you call it “Just Making Friends.” Ditch the bad parts about acing the Winklevoss brothers out of their idea for a social media site or the rejection from women or how Facebook was initially just a way to rate how hot someone was. Instead, “Just Making Friends” is the story of an idealistic young man on a mission to unite the world. Starring Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson as the Zuck.

Problem: the issues: America doesn’t really know where you stand on most things. Sure, you’ve talked for years about wanting comprehensive immigration reform. But liberals will remember that groups associated with the organization you backed to get an immigration overhaul, fwd.us, once funded ads supporting the Keystone XL pipeline and criticizing Obamacare to help win GOP lawmakers over on immigration reform. MoveOn and others quit buying ads on Facebook for a while. Ouch.

There’s going to be more of this kind of conflict if you run. You’re going to have to take positions on issues that will tick off about potentially half of Facebook’s American users and hurt your bottom line. Are you ready to do that? Plus, the political press is a lot less fawning than the tech press.

Our issues solution: Don’t sweat it. Taking positions on the issues is overrated. The dirty little secret of politics is that nobody’s paying attention. Thanks to, uh, social media, we can spread all sorts of fake news on the Internet and most voters won’t notice. Our main job will be to make sure that “Just Making Friends” kills at the box office, and you will be fine. We’re reaching out to the Rock now.

Oh, and one more thing. Your monthly retainer check is due. We’re looking forward to working with you for many, many more checks ... uh, we mean months ... years!, yes, years ... on this next step of your political journey.