I’ll Be With You When the Deal Goes Down

In his late essay, “Poetically Man Dwells,” existential philosopher Martin Heidegger claims that dwelling is the basic character of authentic human existing—an existing that faces up to the transience and finitude of all things human. In this essay I wish to flesh out Heidegger’s claim in terms of a kind of emotional understanding that we need from another person when we have been traumatized.

During the 22 years since I experienced a devastating traumatic loss, I have, in a series of articles culminating in two books—Trauma and Human Existence (Routledge, 2007) and World, Affectivity, Trauma: Heidegger and Post-Cartesian Psychoanalysis (Routledge, 2011)—been seeking to grasp the essence of emotional trauma. Two central, interweaving themes have crystallized in the course of this work. One pertains to the context-embeddedness of emotional life in general and of the experience of emotional trauma in particular. Emotional experience is inseparable from the contexts of attunement and malattunement in which it is felt. Painful emotional experiences become enduringly traumatic in the absence of a relational home or context of human understanding within which they can be held and integrated. The second theme, which draws on Heidegger’s existential philosophy, pertains to the recognition that emotional trauma is built into the basic constitution of human existence. In virtue of our finitude and the finitude of all those we love, the possibility of emotional trauma constantly impends and is ever present. We are always already anticipating trauma, to the degree that we exist non-evasively, outside the sheltering illusions supplied by our culture.

Picture a continuum of emotional pain stretching from mild to traumatic. Where a particular painful state falls along this continuum will depend on contextual factors, including the extent to which there is an available relational home for the painful emotion in which it can be held and integrated. In a sense, in the context of an understanding, holding relational home, traumatized states can cease to be traumatic, or at least cease to be enduringly so. Within such a relational home, traumatized states are in a process of becoming less severely traumatic—i.e., of becoming less overwhelming and more bearable—thus making dissociative and other evasive defenses less necessary. Thus, within a holding relational home, the traumatized person may become able to move toward more authentic (non-evasive) existing. Authentic existing presupposes a capacity to dwell in the emotional pain (grief, terror, horror, existential anxiety, etc.) that accompanies a non-evasive recognition of finitude, and this capacity, in turn, requires that such pain find a relational context in which it can be held.

What makes the finding of such an understanding context possible? An answer to this question can be found in a relational dimension of the experience of finitude itself. Just as finitude is fundamental to our existential constitution, so too is it constitutive of our existence that we meet each other as siblings in the same darkness, deeply connected with one another in virtue of our common finitude. Thus, although the possibility of emotional trauma is ever present, so too is the possibility of forming bonds of deep emotional understanding within which devastating emotional pain can be held, rendered more tolerable, and eventually integrated. Our existential kinship-in-the-same-darkness is the condition for the possibility both of the profound contextuality of emotional trauma and of the mutative power of human understanding.

The implication of the foregoing formulations is that the proper therapeutic comportment toward another’s emotional trauma may be characterized as a kind of dwelling. We must not turn away from another’s experience of trauma by offering false reassurances about time healing all wounds or empty platitudes about letting go and moving on. We offer such reassurances and platitudes when another’s traumatized state confronts us with our own finitude and existential vulnerability, and so we turn evasively away. If we are to be a holding relational home for a traumatized person, we must tolerate our own existential vulnerabilities so that we can dwell unflinchingly with his or her unbearable and recurring emotional pain. When we dwell with others’ unendurable pain, their shattered emotional worlds are enabled to shine with a kind of sacredness that calls forth an understanding and caring engagement within which traumatized states can be gradually transformed into bearable painful feelings.

The attitude of dwelling in the pain of human finitude is captured poetically in Bob Dylan’s mournful song, “When the Deal Goes Down.” Here’s a link to a video of him performing it: youtube.com

Your concept of finding a relational home for trauma speaks to me on a fundamental level, and from what little experience I have, I find it to be incredibly important.

That being said, after reading your blog post today, I kept musing on people who have no relational holding space in their lives. I find myself wondering about how to reach those who cannot break from their traumatic surround.

Thank-you for posting this. I was especially moved by your words, "meet each other as siblings in the same darkness [...]"

The prevalence of distractions in today's world only further separates us from ourselves and those around us, especially when faced with insurmountable suffering. Let's dwell together. We're not in this alone.

This is a remarkably succinct and poignant post that can serve as a "how to" instruction for psychoanalysts/psychotherapists,family members, parents, friends, employers, etc. -- in fact anyone confronted with what to do when in relationship to a traumatized person. Thank you, Bob! This is one of my favorite posts.

Dear Bob,
I agree with all that you are proposing in this article and feel great respect for your work. I would like to acknowledge that examining this article from the standpoint of a therapist, I am impressed with the precision of your thinking on relational trauma and by examining it from the standpoint of a person who has experienced early traumas, I feel understood.

I wanted to share with you some of the thinking this article has stimulated for me as this topic really interests me both on a personal and professional level. I apologize however for any language mistakes I may make, because English is not my native language.

When someone faces a traumatic experience he might either
a)Find a relational home or
b) not find a relational home.
In the case of a) the person with the other’s help (relational home / attunement) develops the capacity of dwelling with subjective pain, surviving it -making it more bearable / and integrating it into self experience this in turn gives rise to an existential awareness of finitude  and this realization leads to a more authentic relating with self (not evading pain), which almost simultaneously leadsto an ontological realization of common finitude with others  which then enables relating authentically to others and becoming better able in dwelling with their pain and thus providing a relational home for them in the case of trauma.

In other words, the capacity to dwell with the pain of others is an emergent capacity. It emerges only after 1) having faced personal trauma and 2) having received a relational home that has helped the person in surviving the pain and as a result in developing a more authentic relationship to life (to self and others). As a by-product of that, the formerly traumatized person is better able in helping other traumatized people in surviving their traumas.

In contrast, a person who falls in case b): will never manage to dwell in his pain, because he has not found a relational home to help him in surviving / integrating his pain. As a result the profundity of finitude (the realization of finitude of self and then the ontological awareness of common finitude that enables authentic relating) will not be realized; rather, dissociation and evasive mechanisms will be needed as this person will be under constant threat of an awareness of ontic finitude. As a result of the above, this person will be unable to provide a relational home to others’ trauma.

I found these thought processes quite accurate, however I started counter thinking the idea of the ‘wounded healer’, who provides a relational home to others that results not from the realization of common finitude and authenticity described above, but most probably from a ‘narcissistic’ need to help others in the effort of helping the wounded self. I continued wondering whether it is possible for others to receive a relational home from someone who has not resolved really his traumas and whether recognition in other domains can compensate for the so needed attunement in traumatic experiences.

The question that arises for me is whether dwelling with pain can only be achieved through the provision of a relational home from others or it can also be achieved through the traumatized individual’s compensatory efforts in other domains. A similar question that arises Is whether there is an inherent force driving the individual towards healing regardless of external circumstances .

If the initial hypothesis is true (the emergent capacity of dwelling with pain only after the provision of a relational home), then the ensuing implications for therapy, I feel, are the following: the therapist can lead / facilitate clients in their therapeutic journey only as far as he, himself (the therapist) has gone. This sounds true to me and is something that J. Simington , a Canadian trauma therapist has clearly argued. If this is true, then a great deal of therapeutic skill cannot be taught, rather it comes out from the therapist’s actual life experiences that, through the help of others, has been integrated and become part of the therapist’s life story and self. We cannot consciously decide or authentically try to dwell with others’ pain (and in this way be a good therapist or friend to them), rather we can only dwell with their pain to the extent that we are naturally able to.

I hope I have not misunderstood or misused your work. I would welcome however some of your thoughts / comments.

“ The Therapeutic Process “
For individuals and family members dealing with personal issues.
+ Reoccurring Negative Dreams & flashbacks.

EXAMPLE

A father and son, living on the West coast of Canada (in the Vancouver area ), loved to go sailing between the mainland and Vancouver Island.

The father, over the years, had upgraded from a small boat to a larger sail boat and the son was intending to follow his example, but, at the time the son only had a small boat.

One day the son went for a sail in his boat and a major storm came up which caused his boat to capsize. The son drowned on that day and his body was never recovered.

As result, the father kept having a reoccurring dream regarding the loss of his son and the lack of closure. ( no funeral for closure because the sons' body was never recovered )

In the dream the father would go out in his sail boat to where his son had drowned and he would dive over the side and swim down to the bottom. When he would get to the bottom he would find a treasure chest and when he opened it up it would, always, be empty.
( it can be said that the father treasured his son )

At that time, I was a co-facilitator of a therapeutic group in which the father
( as a participant ) told the story of his reoccurring dream and to address the problem the following potential solution was proposed to him.

Write up his story including his emotions, feelings, appreciations, anger, resentments, positives and negatives of the relationship with his son and with his death, etc.
Buy a small tree ( hopefully his sons favourite kind of tree).
Take the write up, the tree and some pictures of his son ( + small personal objects / reminders of his son ) and take them to his sons favourite place.

NOTE: His sons favourite place was up on a forested knoll over looking Horse Shoe Bay on the North Shore of Vancouver where he could see the marina that he and his father used to dock their sail boats.

The father was to take the write up, the tree, the pictures and the personal
objects to the knoll.
Dig a hole for the tree / then read the write up ALOUD..
Set fire to the papers ( write up ) pictures and personal items.
Let the smoke go up into the air, the ashes and personal items fall into the hole.
Plant the tree over them. ( burying them and the problem in order to gain closure )

The father never had the reoccurring dream again...

NOTE: People and their family members can, by using these principles and practices, gain closure in relation to various kinds of personal and family issues = re: the loss of a loved one, abuse, addiction, PTSD = reoccurring dreams / flashbacks, suicide prevention, anger management, beginnings and endings, unfinished business, closure, etc.

Some guidelines:

Use your own imagination and creativity when you apply
these principles and practices to your own personal and family issues.
This can be done alone and/or with others who can appreciate their attendance and find value in the process.

NOTE: This therapeutic process can stand alone and/or be an addition to
existing individual or group therapy programs.

Helpful hints:

You can bury and get over your own personal / family issues and start an anger free life.
Planting ( a living memorial, a bush, shrub or a crop ) represents hope for the future.
“The obstacles in life, often, become precisely what is required”...

Warm Regards: to family members who are dealing with the loss of a loved one(s) and related personal issues ( past, present and future ).

Author James L. Halstrum ( The Stone Shadow )
P.O.Box1326 Montague, PEI C0A-1R0www.facebook.com/james.halstrum1
Note: If this helps or saves the life of one person, I'll be pleased.

Dr. Stolorow's work regarding trauma has hit absolutely home for me. I am grateful. I'm 71 now and retired as a clinical social worker and analyst, and have never been able to really comprehend my own trauma and put it in a place. I have always felt bad, despite the best teachers and therapists. I have felt inadequate for "not getting over it". His work is a real eye opener and extremely important.

Thank you for writing of understanding and caring. I truly wish more people, including therapists would be kind and understanding.
When I was first trying to get over trauma, someone spoke rather uncaring to me. Their response was painful to me at a time when I needed true caring. - " you'll just have to deal with it. No one cares about you, but you."
It was hurtful to realize that I was completely alone in my pain. That makes it even harder to deal with. I wish more people cared. I was pleased to read your articles that are full of understanding and caring words. Thank you.

"What substance have you given control over your life? Who are the providers of the substances that you have allowed to control your life?
" If you are like me = you are OK" So the providers want you to be like them = OK.
Take back control of your life = "No Swiming Allowed in De-Nile = it is not a river but you can be drowned in it = substance pushers are your life guards = don't give them control of your life = take back control of your life.

Cheat, Steal and Lie + "Lie or Die"
Cheat those who would keep you from being yourself.
Steal time to look after yourself.
Lie in the arms of the one who loves you = Your Lord & Saviour
JESUS.

Thank you for this exquisite article on the nature and treatment of trauma, particularly the existential component. I write about and work with people struggling with codependency, who suffer from shame, self-alienation, and trauma to varying degrees. Most have always been alone with their pain and learned to become "self-sufficient." However, dwelling together with their pain, often at the abyss of meaninglessness, empowers and encourages them to live more authentically. Tillich's quotes are a propos: "Acceptance of despair is in itself faith and on the boundary line of courage to be" - "to resist the radical threat of nonbeing by the courage to be oneself."
Darlene Lancer
Author of Codependency for Dummieswww.whatiscodependency.com

I deeply respect your contribution to contemporary psychoanalysis and feel fortunate to be local in Santa Monica. FYI, I site your incisive article in my book, Conquering Shame and Codependency, published by Hazelden next year. Thanks again.

Two good friends got summer jobs at a convenience store. These two girls were such good friends, they were like sisters - always together in one way or another (in person/on the phone/texting/emailing). It hardly seemed like work when the two shared the same shift!

One afternoon, a young man came into the store looking for a certain brand of cigarettes. He did not initially look suspicious - except for the long leather jacket and gloves he was wearing; it was a cloudless 30 degree afternoon in the middle of summer!

It turned out that the particular brand of cigarettes was no longer being produced and the store did not have any more to sell. As per protocol, the girls explained this to the customer and suggested another kind. This did not go over well with the customer; he began to yell and throw things around the store. When one of the girls tried to calm the man, he pulled out a gun from one of the many pockets in his jacket and pointed it at one of the girls' head. Before the other girl was able to activate the soundless panic alarm, the irate customer spontaneously pulled the trigger; his hostage crumpled to the ground instantly.

When the police got to the store to investigate the shooting, they encountered one teenage girl sobbing over the lifeless form of another. "It's all my fault!" she cried, "I should have hit the panic button earlier. Now look, my best friend in the entire world is dead."

As the days progressed, the girl became more and more silent and kept to herself; her face was devoid of colour and the bright smile that once shone on her face - the faces of the two best friends. She refused to eat or care for herself; there was not a night that she did not have horrendous nightmares of being attacked herself or of experiencing the hostage situation over and over again and watching her bff be shot dead by a single bullet.

When her parents finally got her in to see a counsellor, the girl was encouraged to write out the events of that day in as much detail as she could; she was then instructed to read it over and over again until it no longer evoked the tears and anger that it initially did. When she could do this, her therapist then asked her to compose an email for her friend as if she were alive and well; in it, she was to express everything she felt about what had happened at the store: her guilt/sadness/fear/anger/etc. Once she composed and "sent" it, the girl was instructed to write the response that she envisioned that her friend would compose: how would she respond? Would she cast blame on her friend? Would she criticize her friend for her actions/lack thereof?
Once this task was completed, the girl felt a sense of relief like no other. She was then able to open up to others about the incident and talk freely about the awesomeness of her friend. She began caring for herself - indulging in the manicures and pedicures and deep hair conditioning that she and her friend used to do. Remarkably, the nightmares and the flashbacks never returned.
Author James L. Halstrum ( The Stone Shadow )
P.O.Box 1326 Montague, PEI C0A-1R0 + Phone 902-838-2218

Note: If this helps and/or saves the life of one person, I'll be pleased.