RIO DE JANEIRO—Gripping the brightly colored character neck and displaying him as an offering to ensure a successful Games, Olympics head priestess Esmeralda Caixeta sanctified the opening ceremony by slitting the throat of Rio mascot Vinicius from ear to ear, sources confirmed Friday. “Ladies and gentlemen, it looks…

RIO DE JANEIRO—Citing the variety of long, drawn-out performances and back-to-back recitations of the Olympic oath in 30 different languages, sources confirmed Friday that Rio Olympics officials were clearly trying to buy more time with a six-day-long opening ceremony. “For those just tuning in, the pace of the Parade…

RIO DE JANEIRO—Looking around at one another with a mix of dismay and confusion while continuing their choreography, performers at Maracanã Stadium frantically attempted to incorporate a ruptured, spewing sewage pipe into the Rio Olympics opening ceremony Friday. “We knew billions of people around the world were…

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the negative consequences in the long term outweigh any short-term satisfaction, experts from the American Psychological Association issued a statement Friday advising individuals against picking up their laptop and throwing it as hard as they can across the office, even though doing so…

In a Glamour magazine essay titled “This Is What a Feminist Looks Like,” President Obama writes about the responsibility of men to be an active part of the feminist movement and discusses his own daughters, explaining that “it’s important that their dad is a feminist, because now that’s what they expect of all men.”…

WASHINGTON—Ahead of the highly anticipated Summer Olympics in Rio, millions of weary and emotionally exhausted Americans expressed excitement Friday at getting the chance to watch the socio-political failings of another country for two weeks. “After spending pretty much every day being confronted by growing income…

ASBURY PARK, NJ—Saying their findings were consistent across all demographic groups, researchers at Rasmussen Reports published the results of a new poll Friday revealing that four out of five Americans would just fucking destroy a pan of brownies. “We found that if given the opportunity, 80 percent of the individuals…

The Hebei province in China has completed a test run of a 25-foot-wide “straddling bus” whose wheels run along rails at each curb and whose interior hovers above the traffic, allowing cars to pass through underneath. What do you think?

“Harry Potter and the Cursed Child,” the companion book to the stage production that follows Harry Potter’s life as a grown man and father to three children, has broken sales records to become the fastest-selling script book of all time. What do you think?

VATICAN CITY—Grasping the back of the man’s collar with one hand while pummeling his face with the other, Pope Francis reportedly beat a confession out of an uncooperative Catholic parishioner Thursday in a backroom of St. Peter’s Basilica. “Listen, buddy, I haven’t even gotten warmed up yet, so we can either keep…

WASHINGTON—Saying he will be shocked and saddened by the statements of his party’s presidential nominee, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan told reporters Thursday the comments Donald Trump will make over the next several months are “highly regrettable.” “I want to make clear that the remarks Donald Trump will say in the…

KNOXVILLE, TN—Reaching a verdict Thursday after several hours of deliberation, a Knox County Circuit Court jury reportedly found a defendant in a homicide trial guilty of murdering his wife and children, but admitted they get it. “After carefully weighing all the evidence in this case, we find the defendant guilty on…

WASHINGTON—Knocking gingerly on the Oval Office door before poking her head into the president’s daily intelligence briefing Thursday morning, Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell meekly asked those in attendance if there was anything she could do to help stop ISIS, White House sources reported. “Hey, sorry to…

In a historical first for the Catholic Church, Pope Francis has set up a commission of seven men and six women to study whether women should be allowed to assume the role of deacon, a rank just below priest. What do you think?

RIO DE JANEIRO—Stressing that time is quickly running out and that construction is not nearly complete, organizers of the 2016 Olympics expressed concern Wednesday that the official Olympic Cemetery would not be completed in time for the games. “We are only days away from the opening ceremony, but there is still…

Though it has been a promoted practice since 1979, flossing has been removed from the Dietary Guidelines for Americans due to insufficient evidence that it helps prevent gum disease. What do you think?

THURMONT, MD—Predicting a landmark diplomatic breakthrough in the historically bitter and contentious relationship, President Barack Obama said Wednesday he has high hopes for talks this week at Camp David intended to ease tensions with the coyote population.

COLLEGE PARK, MD—Finding consistent results across all types and durations of vacation, from multi-week cruises to brief weekends spent camping, a report released Monday by the University of Maryland revealed that the average person’s enjoyment of their time away from work or school drops 36 percent for each…

Seeking equal representation of women in all facets of society, the feminist movement has found a prominent place in the national conversation and has evolved greatly from one decade to the next. The Onion looks at some of the movement’s critical milestones.