I have the privilege of helping people discover this about themselves every day.

It can be a challenge—so often, our uniqueness is hidden from us. Your wants, your needs, what really matters to you—these things are the key to uncovering your uniqueness. When I ask my clients what it would feel like to have what matters to them, here are the typical responses that I get:

1. That sounds very selfish, Sara!

2. I don’t even know what matters to me.

3. If I have what I want, it will take something away from someone else.

4. I usually get what I want, but others are always telling me it’s at their expense, so it rarely feels good.

Here’s my response to all of those objections: You have a unique place and voice in the world. You could think of it as an electrical outlet and you are a lamp. When you are plugged in, there is more light for everyone.

How could you be taking something away from anyone else when this place and voice is yours alone? And how could it be selfish to shed more light in the world?

If you don’t know what matters to you or feel unsafe in having it, there’s a good reason—it all comes back to survival. Early in life, we all take on the feeling of “I don’t matter” in some form and store it in our sense of self, which is the generating force behind every moment of our lives. Then, of course, as we get older, we keep having situations where we feel like “I don’t matter.”

To survive with this awful feeling, we either bury it as deeply as we can so we don’t feel it, or we “take over” in situations with others to get what we need, even if we feel that it is at the expense of others (and they tell us that it is!). Either way, it feels less safe all the time to have what matters to us—and therefore, express our uniqueness.

abby chicken photography

Here’s how things typically unfold when I start to work on this very common issue with my clients.

First, I start helping them feel safe to firstknow what they want or what matters to them, and then feel safe in having it.

They work on feeling safeexpressing their uniqueness.

Then, we branch that out to knowing thateveryone benefits when they express their unique voice. As this shift takes place, amazing things start to happen.

People around them start to inquire about my clients’ opinions, what they would like to do in some situation—or even sometimes, people around them just start doing something that shows clients that they really do matter.

I was just talking with someone today who has been working a lot on “I don’t matter.” He just got a raise out of the blue and was told that he was the only person who got one, and that he was doing really good work. Just two weeks ago, this client told me that he was thinking about leaving his job, because he felt so undervalued by this same boss who has now given him a raise. (He had not said or done anything at work to elicit this change.) That is the real magic that I get to witness a lot—namely, that it ishow we feel that generates our situations, not what we do.

Do you know what really matters to you? Do you feel safe having it and expressing it in the world?

Or does it feel safer to, as Rumi says, “Embrace some form and say, ‘I am this'”? I’d love to hear about your experience—please comment below.

~

Editor: Hayley Samuelson.

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About Sara Avery

Sara Avery’s passion is helping people uncover the energy that creates their story and the uniqueness of who they really are. In 2001, she transitioned from her first career as an orchestral violinist to guiding people through the deep transformation of Quanta Change.
Quanta Change identifies Learned Distress (the feeling that “there is something wrong with me” absorbed in the womb and early in life) as the source of non-well-being. This unique process works with your brain during sleep to permanently remove layers of Learned Distress, allowing your natural well-being to become the source from which your life is generated.
Sara’s clients discover a new ease and joy in life that they’ve never experienced—in emotional, spiritual, and physical realms. One client said, “I’ve been seeking for 40 years, and this is by far the best thing I’ve ever done for myself.” Learn more on her website or read more from Sara on her blog. Or, connect with her on Facebook or Twitter.

3144017 Responseshttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.elephantjournal.com%2F2012%2F04%2Fyour-uniqueness-makes-more-light-for-everyone-sara-avery%2FYour+Uniqueness+Makes+More+Light+for+Everyone.2012-04-04+17%3A31%3A03Sara+Averyhttp%3A%2F%2Fwww.elephantjournal.com%2F%3Fp%3D314401 to “Your Uniqueness Makes More Light for Everyone.”

As an artist, the way I deal with my sense of Uniqueness? Everything is at stake. The Quanta Change process has helped me pay attention to that. (read: bugged the hell out of me and goosed my mind out of the ordinary.)

Why has it been hard to believe that everyone benefits when each person expresses his and her unique voice? I feel like I'm scaling a life-long learning curve. The view is beautiful, terrifying at times, and true.