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The road to guantanamo? No s#it.

I was f#cking awful. My stand-up set tonight was actually one of the worst ever performances I've ever given. I'm actually managing, with practice, to get worse at being a stand-up comedian. That surely does not make any sense? The crowd were fantastic, the night was brilliant, I was s#ite. I mean, really bad. The moment I got on stage I realised I didn't want to be there. I immediately struck a camp pose and bumbled into something which wasn't my set. Then I did a rubbish Dr Who joke which I wasn't initially planning to do. Then I looked around, slightly confused. Then I did a joke about b#msex and was red carded off the stage.

I have no idea why, once onstage, I feel so much more comfortable being a little bit limp-wristed. It always happens but I'd got quite good at resisting it. Not tonight. Tonight, as soon as I got onstage I though, "hey, a hand on my hip would feel real good right now". Go with the flow baby. Oh dear.

The biggest laugh of the night came when I did the following 'hilarious' joke:

"I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, no you don't".

What actually happened was this; "I know what you're thinking..." - in chips audience member - "yeah, you're shit". Game over. Everyone laughs. I get even more confused and drop the gag altogether.

Part of me was thinking - "no, now come on, don't interrupt, you won't enjoy it as much".

I should have been thinking of a hilarous response but actually I just felt a little bit like an angry teacher who's been beaten by a "witty" pupil.

Oh dear. I was bad. Seriously. Bad. I think I need to have a major re-think as regards my little hobby. If I ever do another gig it's going to involve uber-practice. I was very under-rehersed. Man I was rubbish.

The other acts were good. They were professionals. In fact I ended up on the same bill as Susan Hanks. I mentioned to her backstage that I'd seen her and written about her in my blog, she gave me a sort of knowing look and went: "Oh, that's you, I see, it makes sense now".

I was busy being 'hilarious' so I said: "yeah ha ha, I've been following you and taking pictures". She didn't look sure how to take that and I instantly felt like an unfunny fool. I was so nervous backstage with the other comedians. I'd seen almost all of them at The Zumeba in Manchester and most of them had been brilliant. I knew elements of almost all of their acts and being amongst them made me even more nervous.

"Sh#t, these guys are good comedians, what the hell am I doing here?" went my internal monologue. Also I felt like I wasn't part of their gang. They all knew each other and I felt totally out of my depth. Probably because I was.

Comments

Poor old Nicoli. Sorry to hear that you were completely shit. I'm Glad I didn't spend £30 driving to sheffield to see you.

On a serious note, I think that placing yourself in difficult & challenging situations like that is actually very good for you. So you weren't very funny. Never mind. You had the courage and determination to go on stage and stick it out. Fair play.

How about the first time to went on air? I bet you were shit. Stick at it. You're a funny guy and you produce great content. Keep working on the delivery and you'll have it nailed.

In short he's a TV presenter and an award winning radio presenter.
In long, he's worked on LBC, Kerrang Radio, Hallam FM and The Bay. And other places, for a bit.
The TV show he presented was called "Esoteria" and ran for two series on Controversial TV (Sky channel 200).
Currently he is, as they say in radio, between jobs.