Hello, i just got here!!!

Dear All,
I decided to introduce myself so that you get to know why i decided to join this forum and a little bit of my background.
I am Portuguese, and my post name "Sozinha" means "lonely", and i chose it because it reflects how i feel most of the time. And it was because yesterday evening i was feeling extremely lonely that i decided to look for a forum on this subject. I do have people around me, and good friends to talk to. However, they do not understand what i have been going through for the last 18 years. It started when my sister died (of suicide) and i started suffering from PTSD, which caused me to continuously think of cutting myself. I was strong enough not to do it, because i didn't want other people knowing and, because although i couldn't stop thinking about it i felt that it would not take the real pain away. The pain and the emptiness are still there, all the time, and when i am not clinically depressed i can actually ignore it. But 4 years ago i developed chronic pain in my cervical column, and the depression just set in and refuses to leave. The lack of support, the constant pain and, even some bad/mean actions by family members lead me to a state of total despair. I can not tell you that one person or event was responsible for this, it was the sum of it all. So... i tried to kill myself, and failed obviously. I am still recovering from it, and can not yet say that i don't think about it all the time, but i can tell you that i now feel that suicide is not the way. I don't want anybody else to suffer the same pain that i do, due to the loss of my beloved sister, because of me.
Although i am fighting hard to continue my life, the stigma is there. People don't understand and sometimes say the most horrid things to try to make me feel better, but i try really hard not to take it badly.
However, i needed to feel that there is someone in the world who understands what it means to have their emotions constantly turned on "emotional pain", and fights the kind of self harm thoughts that i have constantly, and does not pass judgement. And i found all you wonderful people, and read your posts, and felt something that was eluding me for a long time "HOPE".
So... sorry for the long post, and THANK YOU for being so wonderful and for being there.
Love Sozinha

I do hear you and i am sorry you are in so much physical and emotional pain I do hope you doctor can refer you to a pain specialist for your physical pain Talking here can help to relieve some of the sadness you feel You are not alone in the battle now Keep posting ok so others can support you