Damnit! Earth

Headline! We're all stuck on the same planet and we're all aparently out of our fucking minds.
Read each days top headlines from across the world with a commentery by A Mad Man.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

President Says Light Surrounded Him During UN Speech

Yes...We call that electricity.

Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadinejad says that when he delivered his speech at the UN General Assembly in September, he felt there was a light around him and that the attention of the world leaders in the audience was unblinkingly focused upon him. Well, when you're at the podium and you're the only one in the room speaking, people tend to look at you.

Ahmadinejad said that someone present at the UN told him that a light surrounded him while he was delivering his speech to the General Assembly. The Iranian president added that he also sensed it. "He said when you began with the words 'in the name of God,' I saw that you became surrounded by a light until the end [of the speech]," Ahmadinejad appears to say in the video. "I felt it myself, too. I felt that all of a sudden the atmosphere changed there, and for 27-28 minutes all the leaders did not blink."How crazy can crazy get? Pretty fucking crazy. Apparently Allah's a light bulb.Having a leader of any nation in power that believes they are divinely inspired or chosen by God is like using gunpowder kegs as chairs around a campfire. Nothing is more dangerous than a person believing they have God on their side. Especially when they're a fucking lunatic.

US, British aggression blamed for hostage-taking in Iraq

Because we can't blame the aggression of Islamic terrorists who routinely murder people they claim are "spies and collaborators". We can't possibly hold the people who behead other human beings in broad daylight on the street and film it responsible for their own actions.

Let me tell you something. Iraqi's or Muslims in the Middle East for that matter, are not monkey's. They're not some sort of sub-species incapable of determining the difference between right and wrong. They're plenty of Muslims in Iraq, Iran, Pakistan, Afghanistan that know not to kidnapped and murder. They know right and wrong. It's not like a dog who doesn't know any better to shit on the carpet.

The US and Canada-based Christian Peacemaker Teams said Tuesday in Toronto that American and British aggression in Iraq is to blame for the hostage-taking of four pacifists, including two of its group members.The hostage-taking is the result of the US-led "illegal attack on Iraq" and "the continuing occupation and oppression of its people," said a statement issued by the Christian pacifist group that has opposed the Iraq war.

Of course this is true because there was no kidnappings in that region of foreigners before the Iraqi war.(insert sarcasm where needed) Anti-war groups will never blame the ones responsible because that would twist their whole anti-war fantasy world. If these four were kidnapped because they were just westerners and the terror group is bloodthirsty, well, that would justify military action no? Can't have that now.

The pacifist group's spokesman Rob Holmes strenuously rejected the kidnappers' claim that the hostages were spies and evangelicals.The four were "absolutely" not in Iraq to spread the Christian faith, he said, adding that his group is now also working on helping release the hostages.Sounds like this is more about religion than politics. The terror group claiming responsiblity for the kidnappings is calling itself the Swords of Righteousness Brigade. That's got a religious tone to it doesn't it? The group could possibly be an offshot of the Islamic Army in Iraq which would spell bad news for the kidnapped.Now the only hope for the victims may be the very soldiers they don't believe should be in Iraq.

Let's start calling a spade a spade people. Do I think Iraq was the prime territory for an invasion in the name of the War on Terror? No I don't. I think there is more to this war then terrorism and I think we all know that. Do I think this is a good chance for us to wipe out a good size of the terrorist population since they are all converging on Iraq for Jihad? Yes I do. Do I think we should stay in Iraq? Yes I do. Do I think the world needs to suck it up and admit that there is a serious problem within the Islamic religion that pushes people towards fanaticism and violence? You'd have to be blind not to see that.

In Indonesia, back at the end of October, three young Christian school girls were beheaded by Islamic fundalmentalists. Can this be the fault of the Iraq war?

And even though I highly disagree with the Christian Peacemaker Teams idea that the kidnappings were a direct result of the Iraqi war I do hope for the safe return of the hostages.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Cops unveil plan to stop terrorists

And in the process tell the terrorists exactly what to do to avoid being stopped.

Miami police will announce today the creation of an initiative aimed at protecting malls, business districts and other so-called ''soft targets'' from possible terrorist attacks.Dubbed ''Miami Shield,'' the initiative calls for small groups of uniformed and plainclothes officers to patrol potential target zones at random times, hopefully thwarting terrorists who rely on routines to coordinate attacks.Why do we always feel the need to explain to the enemies exactly how we plan to beat them. It's like all these forensic science cop-dramas on television demonstrating the process of catching serial killers. If someone wanted to, they could take notes from that show and learn how to commit the perfect murders.

Can't we keep some of this shit to ourselves? Maybe, you know, throw the terrorists a curve ball and surprise them when we bust a sleeper cell because they didn't know about the plainclothed officer watching their every move.

Air Marshalls should have been a surprise too. It would have been funny to watch one of these radical suicidal hijackers try to get into a cockpit and get sixteen bullets slammed into his chest. (Those things are funny to me.) Surprise Ahmad, we have cops on planes now.

Doesn't the media realize that everytime they broadcast our plans we have to fucking change them because the terrorists are going to change theirs due to the broadcast? SHUT UP!!

Al-Zarqawi's family again disowns him

More than 370 members of the clan of al-Qaida in Iraq leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi joined his family Tuesday in publishing a full-page letter in Jordanian newspapers disowning him.370 members of his clan? No wonder those people don't have Christmas.

"We, the sons of the Bani Hassan tribe in all its branches in the Hashemite kingdom of Jordan, support and express solidarity with our cousins, the al-Khalayleh clan, and their decision to sever relations with the terrorist Ahmad Fadheel Nazzal al-Khalayleh, who calls himself Abu Musab al-Zarqawi," said the letter published in four leading newspapers."We condemn all terrorist actions carried out or claimed by this individual - actions which are alien to members of this tribe," continued the letter, which bore the stamps and signatures of more than 370 clan members.So does this mean Zarqawi is not invited home for the holidays?

EUROMED Condemns Terrorism

Oh...well...I guess that means all you Islamic fanatics are going to have to find something else to do with your spare time. I like computer games.

EU Term President British Prime Minister Tony Blair has said, "We have achieved to agree to condemn in the most sever way any kind of terrorism. This is the first terrorism has been condemned to such extent.”Now there's some fighting words. The leaders of 40 countries have "achieved to agree". Newsflash Tony, that's not a fucking achievment. I agree with people all day, and on much more controversal subjects than "Is terrorism bad?"And you say it's the first time terrorism has been condemned to such extent. Why, because it's forty countries? Did you know your country was at war in Iraq for the battle against terrorism? (or so that's the reason we get)

Blair added the definition of "terrorism" will be specified by the United Nations (UN)When did we start this fucking argument? Why do we need to define terrorism. Seems easy enough to describe it myself.

Terrorism: when you blow innocent people up to further the cause that only you and a handful of other nutcases care about.

Jabs Don't Work on Fat-Bottomed Girls

But you can fend them off with a sharp right hook followed by a swift uppercut.

Talk about an eye grabbing headline. Right away I wondered, "Is this news article about violence towards fat girls or a clever way of grabbing my attention to explain to me something pointless." Well, it's kind of both, I guess.

Injections may not work on some patients because their bottoms are too big, doctors have warned. We finally get to some important information in the news. How embarrassing it must be to learn that the painkiller injection you just got is still lost somewhere in the huge cheek of your ass. I would guess it would be easier for the doctor to tell you your mother just died.

They found that needles cannot penetrate the layers of bottom fat of many patients, particularly women. Now's your chance guys. Now you can tell your women that they need to lose weight and honestly say it's for health purposes.

US to hold 1,000th execution this week

So who's the lucky contestant? Are there any parting gifts for the condemned? What a depressing headline.

The United States is scheduled this week to witness its 1,000th execution since the Supreme Court reinstated the death penalty in 1976, but even as it reaches this milestone opponents said capital punishment may be falling out of favor.I'm not going to turn this post into a debate on capital punishment because I honestly think this is one of those arguments in which both sides have valid points. I'm just curious as to the morbid purposes for treating this milestone like the millionth customer at Disneyland.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Fatah suspends Gaza primaries after violence

Sometimes I sit down and I wonder things. Sometimes I wonder how safe it really was for Wonder Woman to use an invisible airplane. Sometimes I wonder how Willy Wonka ever made a profit with his horrible money-pit of a factory. And sometimes I wonder why so many countries approach their elections with violence and hatred while the western democracies hurdle them with such awe-inspiring laziness.

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas' Fatah party suspended its primaries in the Gaza Strip on Monday after armed men stormed some polling stations. "The Fatah General Committee... decided to freeze the election," the group said in a statement after an urgent meeting.It said Monday's results would be void and the primaries would be rescheduled. Marwan Barghouti and other younger activists swept Fatah primaries which is very interesting because Barghouti, 46, is seen as a potential successor to Abbas even though he is serving multiple life terms in an Israeli prison for involvement in shooting attacks that killed five Israelis.You know, they just opened a border between Gaza and Egypt and, for the first time in about 40 years, Palestinians control one of their own borders. They'll be opening a crossing between Gaza and the West Bank, a Gaza seaport and, soon, a Gaza International airport. And the world will be a safer place for everyone.

'Naked rituals' at Royal Marines

Brings a whole new light to the idea of "standing at attention" don't it?

As if the rest of the world wasn't weary enough of western culture, Britain's Ministry of Defence announced it has launched an investigation into violent bullying and bizarre naked initiation ceremonies within the ranks of the Royal Marines.You ever wonder if the rest of the world's right and there is something seriously wrong with the whole "left to our own freedom" thing. Maybe we need the threat of violence and strict Islamic rule to keep us from doing the crazy shit that seems so natural to our species.

My mother told me something that will always stick with me, especially because I figured by the age of nine or ten it would no longer apply. How wrong I was. She said, "Son, you never want to be part of a club if it means you have to take your clothes off."

Aid workers feared kidnapped in Iraq

STAY OUT OF IRAQ!

I understand the Iraqi people are going through hard times and I feel for the families affected and I feel slightly responsible, for some odd reason but I also would enjoy not having my head sawed off with a machette.

Four humanitarian workers have been kidnapped in Iraq. Two Canadians and a Briton were taken, along with another person believed to be an American, officials said.I've even thought about how nice it would be to get those large bounties the US is offering on some of those Al-Qaida guys heads and then I remember, hey, they decapitate people over there and I go to work instead. I hope all four of those people kidnapped are returned safe and sound to their families and everything but, it wouldn't happen if you kept your ass home.

The only way I'm going to Iraq is armed with a flamethrower, explosives, at least four machine guns and some sort of magical device that when I click it I'm transported instantly to the Playboy Mansion.

Terror suspects threaten Jordan at trial

If you find yourself on trial and it's not going as well as you had hoped, try this new defense method becoming more and more popular in the Middle Eastern nations...threaten the judge and the entire country with terrorist acts.

Terror suspects on trial for allegedly plotting to blow up Jordan's intelligence headquarters shouted insults at their military judges Sunday and threatened to "exterminate" the moderate Muslim nation. Nothing says "innocent" like threats of extermination and genocide.

One of the defendants, Hassan al-Smeik, shouted during Sunday's hearing that Jordan was bowing to pressure from the United States - its longtime ally - by prosecuting the case against them."Terrorism is a badge of honor on our chests until Judgment Day," al-Smeik yelled from the dock as the other defendants hurled insults at the judges. "In the name of God, we're pursuing the path of Jihad until we uproot you, exterminate your state until the rule of King Abdullah II vanishes." Well argued, gives the jury something to consider when they are deciding your fate. Next time I find myself in court (which is often) I'm going to try that. In the middle of the hearing I'll stand up and threaten to exterminate the state and tell them I wear my crime as a badge of honor and see how it goes. If I was one of the other defendants I would punch this fucking guy in the face.

The defendants could face the death penalty if convicted.Might want to take the 'could' out of that sentence and change the 'if' to a 'when'. Of course, this is in Jordan. They might only get probation.

Powerful earthquake levels villages in Iran

How come no one's claiming this is Allah's way of telling you Iranian officials to cut the shit?

We have a devestating hurricane that wipes out one of our cities and the Arab world rejoices and claims it's Allah's way of punishing America "the evil empire". Since hurricane Katrina there's been a devestating earthquake in Pakistan and now this in Iran. What's with this selective "signs from Allah" shit?

A powerful earthquake with a magnitude of at least 5.9 jolted southern Iran on Sunday, levelling at least seven villages and killing at least 10 people. Local authorities reported about 70 were wounded in the temblor, which was felt as far away as Oman and the United Arab Emirates.Maybe the earthquake will be taken as a sign that Allah disaproves of Iran's nuclear ambitions. Or maybe punishment for the corruption of Islam the extremists are guilty of. Or maybe they'll somehow blame the US and Israel for being so evil that we shake the ground. Maybe they'll claim that Allah was trying to shake our military out of Iraq but missed. Either way, somehow, this is our fault. First sign of a religious fanatic is that they can never, ever, take responsiblity for their own actions. Everyone else is evil.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Sunday Sign of Hope 11/27/05

Thousands of people, some in tears, streamed into the Audubon Zoo on Friday, the first day it was open since Hurricane Katrina.

"It's a city without kids and families, and a city without kids and families is a city without soul and heart," said Ron Forman, president of Audubon Nature Institute, which operates the zoo. "So we just thought it was critical to get the thing open for Thanksgiving weekend."

The reopening was so emotional for many visitors that the zoo decided to post huggers at the front gates, Forman said.

"As people walk in, they're crying," he said. "This is a time of sadness in this city."

Like much in the city, the zoo has struggled to regain its footing after the hurricane. Most of the animals are fine, although two otters and a raccoon did not survive, and about 2,000 trees were destroyed. The zoo laid off about 600 workers.

Audubon also operates the Aquarium of the Americas in the French Quarter, where about 10,000 animals died because of the hurricane. The aquarium and its Entergy IMAX Theater will open next summer at the earliest, Forman said.

Another Audubon facility, the Louisiana Nature Center, may never reopen, he said. The opening for a new addition to the institute an insectarium has been pushed back to 2007.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Ex-FEMA boss now a disaster consultant

"If I can help people focus on preparedness, how to be better prepared in their homes and better prepared in their businesses - because that goes straight to the bottom line - then I hope I can help the country in some way." Michael Brown said.Michael Brown should start a disaster consulting firm just as much as Michael Tyson should start an anger management class. If you prove yourself incapable of something, then maybe you shouldn't teach others about it.

And how come I can't just up and decide to start a firm? I have to work a nine to five. I can consult on disaster relief just as well as Michael Brown, probably better. First step in disaster relief...get the people disaster relief. See, there you go.

Italy grinds to halt in strike

Public transportation ground to a halt, public offices shut down and thousands rallied across Italy on Friday as part of a general strike against the government's 2006 budget.

Could you imagine if the US totally shut down everytime the public was unhappy with the government? Nothing would ever get done. Now that I think about it, it's not such a bad idea. If we as a people showed some initative and stopped working for the corporations that run our country (don't pretend you don't know) then maybe, for once, they'd listen to us. We'd finally have a voice. We could change things for the better.

Friday, November 25, 2005

Sisters fine after Macy's parade balloon accident

Two sisters injured because of an unwieldy giant balloon in Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade are "doing just fine," and the family doesn't plan to sue over the incident, their father said.Three fucking cheers here people. I was originally going to write about this sue-happy culture we live in that would award 800$ million to a woman who stubbed her toe while kicking the shit out of me but as I read on in this article, even though a wayward M&M balloon got entangled with a streetlamp and sent debris flying at the two sisters. (I hate when that happens) The family won't sue because it was "a freak accident," and "accidents just happen."

Finally, some logical and rational thought in the headlines. I'd like to shake that man's hand. And dress up like an M&M just for the hell of it.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Any day can be Thanksgiving

As long as it's the last Thursday of the month in November.

Today is a day to celebrate the kindness of the Native Americans, who shared their food with the Pilgrims, who in turn, killed the Native Americans with Smallpox and took their land. Thanks He-Who-Trusts-Poorly.

Today is also a day in which we eat more than we should and laugh at those starving countries. We take food, shove it into other food, and eat until our stomachs almost burst. Then we throw out what we don't eat cause we're thankful.

We mark our thankful day by decapitating a bird. Does anyone else have a holiday that centers around decapitation...I mean besides Ramadan. Don't think so.

Don't get me wrong. I'm going to New York today to see family and eat until I almost vomit just like everyone else. I'm just saying we suck. I'm fine with that.

Enjoy the Turkey or the vegetables if you're one of those people who wears leather but won't eat meat. HAPPY THANKSGIVING YOU CRAZY COUNTRY.

Spiderman' Arrested in Houston

We as a nation have started arresting our super heros. It's all downhill from here folks.

The French building climber who calls himself "Spiderman" was thwarted in a bid to scale a Houston skyscraper and charged with trespassing and possessing drugs _ two pills to relieve anxiety.What could be giving a man who climbs thousands of feet in the air on the outside of buildings with no safety net anxiety? Ha...pussy.

Saddam's defense team will attend trial

That's going to help his case.

Saddam Hussein's defense lawyers will attend next week's trial of the toppled Iraqi dictator and seven co-defendants, dropping a threat to boycott the proceedings because of the recent assassination of two team members. Shooting lawyers...what a good idea!

Gary Glitter to be jailed for four more months

Last thing you want to do in prison is glitter.

Gary Glitter may be detained in Vietnam for another four months while claims that he had sex with under-age girls are investigated by police. The ex-singer has denied accusations of having under-age sex with two girls, one aged 12, say police in Vietnam.

Glitter you should know better. The only pop singer this world allows to mistreat children is Michael Jackson and that's because he's got enough problems without us putting him in prison. No one wants to throw that straw onto the camel's back. That's going to be four months of fun for Glitter. He looks like the type of guy that gets really popular amongst other inmates. The "Glam Rock" days are over Gary, take the makeup off. I always knew there was something not right with all those boy bands that looked like girl bands and sang about love and feelings. I was right. I'm always right.

If Glitter is found guilty, he could face anything from a lengthy prison term to death by firing squad. I say shoot him. I think most of those "Glam Rock" guys should be shot anyway.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

UPDATE: Al-Jazeera attack report 'outlandish': US

The United States dismissed a claim by the British newspaper The Daily Mirror that President Bush wanted to bomb Arab television station Al-Jazeera but was talked out of it by British Prime Minister Tony Blair. They referred to the report as "outlandish".

I very rarely believe what the government tells me but this I buy. Why you ask? Cause when the fuck has anyone ever talked Bush out of bombing something?

Chemical blast in northeast China contaminates major river

Man, and Chinese food makes me thirsty. They're in a heap of trouble over there. Now we can add China to a long list of countries in which you can't drink the water. (yes...America is becoming one of them)

An explosion at a chemical plant in northeastern China 10 days ago caused contamination in a major river more than 100 times above national safety levels, environmental authorities said. As a precaution, maybe we as a world should move our Chemical Plants away from major rivers just in case, you know, this happens.

After the blast at the chemical plant the monitoring station in Jilin found that benzene went into the river and polluted the water. Benzene levels were 108 times above national safety levels. I'm guessing that's bad. What's Benzene?

Benzene is a carcinogen that can be lethal if someone is exposed to high levels, even in short doses. Yup, that's bad.

The EPA admitted that the chemical slick could be extremely dangerous to people who came into contact with it. Avian Flu, Chemical Plant explosions, the discount rates on a trip to China have got to be at an all time best. I'm calling my travel agent.

Mortar Fire At Ceremony In Tikrit

At the Academy Awards they just play some music if your speech runs too long.

Iraqi insurgents disrupted a ceremony in which U.S. forces handed over a former presidential palace to local Iraqi officials after occupying it for over three years. High-ranking U.S. and Iraqi officials were on hand for the ceremony, which was interrupted by mortar fire.Nothing says desperation like a Live on TV attack. Personally, I blame the media for this. If the military didn't feel the need to combat the constant "bad news" coming out of Iraq like our US soldier death count or suicide bomb headlines then there would be no need to have a high-profile and planned hand over of a ex-presidential palace. If the media wasn't making Iraq out to be a failure there wouldn't be a need to overly-publicize the success and put men in danger.Why can't we treat our war like we did in the past, like WWII? Could you imagine the uproar in the streets of America if the media had been on Omaha Beach on D-Day?

The mortar, which landed about 300 yards away, did not cause any injuries but did create quite a scare at the ceremony.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

No Jail Time for Florida Teacher in Sex Case

Debra Lafave, 25, a Middle School reading teacher pleaded guilty Tuesday to having sex with a 14-year-old student, avoiding prison as part of a plea agreement. Man, did I miss the boat on this one. When I was 14 I still wanted to get busy with Dafney from Scooby Doo. What's with all the teacher's having sex with students these days? And look at this Lafave chick, she's pretty good-looking. How come all I ever got in school were zits and homework. How come my reading teacher never sat on my face? What's wrong with me?

She apologized during the hearing, saying “I accept full responsibility for my actions.” Good for you, setting such a wonderful example for today's young by accepting responsiblity for having intercourse with a 14 year old.

The boy told investigators the two had sex in a classroom at the Greco school, located in Temple Terrace near Tampa, Florida, in her Riverview town house and once in a vehicle while his 15-year-old cousin drove them around Marion County. This kid's my fucking hero.The boy told investigators Lafave told him her marriage was in trouble and that she was aroused by the fact that having sex with him was not allowed. Yeah, I'm not allowed to ride a lawnmower over my neighbor either. Oh wait...that is kind of arousing. If this proves one thing to all you guys out there it's this...never marry. You find a woman, a good looking woman, and you fall in love, settle down, and she bonks the teenager next door who now thinks he's better than you. You just never know when you're marrying a pedophile these days.

I'll tell you this though, if I were a kid these days, I would be at school bright and fucking early.

GM cuts jobs, will shut plants

General Motors Corp. will eliminate 30,000 jobs and close nine North American assembly, stamping and powertrain plants by 2008 as part of an effort to get production in line with demand and position the world's biggest automaker to start making money again after absorbing nearly $4 billion in losses so far this year.

This is why you should never, ever, ever, ever, feel an obligation or a duty to any job you ever have. Unless you own your own business but that's common sense.

Man Hit In Head By Train For Second Time

He should consider a career in politics.A man who was struck in the head by a train this weekend was also hit in the head by a New York City subway car three years ago, officials said. It was unclear what led to either incident. Oh I know damn well what lead to both incidents. It's the same thing that leads people to go ice skating on the frozen river in sixty degree weather.

Blair 'convinced Bush' not to launch strike at Al-Jazeera

At least wait until Sweeps week.

TONY BLAIR had to persuade US President George Bush not to launch a military strike on the studios of TV station Al-Jazeera. New reports claim the two leaders debated an attack on the station which has broadcast video messages from al-Qaida head Osama bin Laden and leaders of the insurgency in Iraq, as well as clips of dead British and US soldiers.This is a touchy subject. I say, bomb al-Jazeera but then bomb Fox News to balance it out.

Iraqi Leaders Condemn Use of Terrorism

Well that ought to do it.

Leaders of Iraq's sharply divided Shiites, Kurds and Sunnis on Monday condemned terrorism but said the opposition had a "legitimate right" of resistance, an apparent attempt to lure the Sunni-dominated insurgency away from the military struggle and into the political arena. This is true and, and I know I'm going to catch some nay's on this one but, the Iraqi's do have a right for resistance. We are occupying another country. It's in order to help them yes, but they didn't all want help. The Sunni's had a good deal going under Saddam.Granted, the process of their resistance should be political and not suicide bombings or roadside bombs against foreign troops. But resistance against a foreign occupation was how our country was born. To turn around and think the Iraqi's as barbaric is quite hypocritical.

I just wonder if the tables were turned and it was the US being occupied how many of us would take to the street in arms. Pride in one's country can be a strong motivation for violence. We should know that.

Ventura Fire Is 95% Contained

Of course, there's still that 5% raging completely out of control and destroying everything in its path.

A wildfire that burned about 4,000 acres of hillside brush north of Ventura, California was nearly surrounded, as favorable weather helped firefighters. Boy oh boy, these natural disasters sure are kicking the shit out of us ain't they? Seems everytime you turn on the news there are reports of another manifestation of natures fury headed right for civlization. Makes me smile. With all the wars and all the threats and anger and hatred in the world, it's nice to sit back and remember that mother nature hates us more than we could ever hate each other.

US Forces Mistakenly Fire on Vehicle

Hey is that the new 2006 model rat-at-tat-tat...oopsU.S. forces mistakenly fired on a civilian vehicle outside an American base in a city north of Baghdad, killing three people, including a child, the military said. Well, so much for the support of that city. This is why it's so important that we train those Iraqi troops as quick as possible. So next time its one of them that mistakenly executes an entire family.

A U.S. soldier thought the vehicle was moving erratically outside the base in Baqouba and fired warning shots, said Maj. Steven Warren, a U.S. spokesman. "It was one of these regrettable, tragic incidents, Warren said. Oh, one of those. It is sad that civilians sometimes are caught up in and killed because of the actions of their governments. Soldiers are killed in a questionable wars, civilians have planes slammed into their office buildings at nine in the morning. This is the world we live in.I do have to question the main stream media's decision making skills though. How come when a horrific accident occurs they post it as a headline and make US troops out to look like little Hitlers running around with automatic weapons bent on the destruction of Islam but when an Iraqi school is reopened or, I don't know, a percentage higher than US citizens turn out to vote in Iraq you have to turn to page 13 to read about it?Unfortunately, the horrific, anti-war, anti-Bush headlines sell. No one wants good news. You'll never have a truly un-bias media in the world of money and politics.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Mom-to-be calls unborn a passenger

A pregnant woman ticketed for driving in the carpool lane will have her day in court next month to argue that her unborn child counts as a second person in the car. "I understand the reasoning for the HOV lane," said Candace Dickinson, 23. "But whether my son is in a car seat versus in my stomach, I don’t get it. It’s the same thing."

I'm all for trying to get out of a ticket and, hey, she's got a point. So, Miss Dickinson, let me ask. Do you pay for two at the movies? How many are you when you make a dinner reservation? If a pregnant woman shoplifts, is the unborn child an accomplice?

If your son can't shit himself when you get cut off on the highway and have to swerve uncontrollably to avoid an accident, he isn't in the car. I'll agree he's a living being, but unborn means he's not of this world, so, he's not one of us just yet.

You know, it's illegal to have an infant in the front seat of an automobile.

PETA Scares the shit out of Children

In one of the most sickening moves made by a fanatical group of people with apparently nothing better to do with their time but emotionally scar our young, PETA activists, some dressed as cute and cuddly animal friends, are handing out comic books to young children entitled Your Daddy Kills Animals and Your Mommy Kills Animals.

I am against the killing of animals for so-called "sport" but I do eat fish and meat. That's what I use my canine teeth for when I'm not popping the cap off a beer bottle with them or puncturing the jugular vein of a young virgin woman late at night to drink her youth-giving blood and escaping to my coffin before sunrise. I agree that children should be taught about vegetarian's, but, that's the job of their parents, not the job of PETA and not to be taught using scare tactics.

Other than going overboard in order to receive some time in the public eye, I can't think of one good reason PETA can give to justify these comics. Saying that a child's mommy and daddy are blood-thirsty murderous maniacs bent on destroying every cuddly animal they see to try to coerce them from eating meat is like chopping a man's hands off to stop him from picking his nose.Killing animals for food is the circle of nature that has kept us alive since we lived in caves and consummated our marriages with a big stick. We are meat eaters by nature. I don't eat grass. I don't know anyone who does. Well, actually, I do, but that's just one person and he had a bad experience with some acid a few years ago.How can you say there is a difference between a bear snatching a salmon out of the river to eat it alive and a man who fishes to feed his family? Food chain baby. We're all animals at the core. (some more prominent than others)

Honestly, I think shooting an animal, cutting it's head off, and hanging it on the wall in the living room is a bit barbaric. But so is handing out comics to impressionable children that might induce a fear in them of the only people in the world who truly care about them. Shame on you PETA. You may think meat eaters are evil people but so are people pushing scare tactics on the young to further their cause. You are fanatical.

And how come there's no comic books calling out people who squish those ugly spiders or silverfish? Why do we always stop at insects?

Mall shooting suspect surrenders

The 20-year-old suspect in a Seattle shopping mall shooting spree and hostage-taking told friends via text messaging he wanted the world to feel his anger. News flash for you, the world isn't feeling your anger. No one is really feeling your anger cause you went about it the wrong way. Want the world to know you're angry? Do something like what I'm doing. Use your voice, not a gun. All that does is prove you're capable of hurting other people which makes you not worth listening to.

Dominick Maldonado was being held Monday on six counts of assault and three counts of kidnapping, in lieu of $450,000 bail after the incident midday Sunday. Of the six shooting victims, one was listed in critical condition at Tacoma General Hospital suffering from multiple gunshot wounds, the Seattle Times reported. School shootings and now mall shootings. It's just not safe to go outside anymore. Last thing I need is to get shot while I'm dishing out hard earned money for an over-priced piece of shit my daughter don't need anyway.And who text messages their friends before going on the rampage? Jeez, if you just wanted attention you could have done something to benefit all of us and drank some insecticide.

US, Europe to Postpone Effort on Iran

You're going to need a damn good reason to put the country calling for Israel's destruction while persuing nuclear weapons thing on hold. What could be more important?

The United States and its European allies will not push to have Iran referred to the U.N. Security Council later this week to give Russia extra time to try to persuade Tehran to compromise on its nuclear activities, diplomats and officials told The Associated Press on Monday.

Oh, we're trying to go the diplomatic route. Boy have we got things backwards huh. We invade the country without WMD's before exploring the diplomatic route and then the country that is screaming their WMD intentions from the top of the mosque tower (do mosques have towers?) we opt for the diplomatic solution.

If I've ever seen a country begging for an ass-kicking its Iran. I'm sure there's some nice people over there and all but my God, everytime the President over there makes a speech it's like he's challenging the entire world to an arm wrestle. If I were Iranian, which I'm not, but if I was I would move. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is like that friend you have who gets drunk and mouths off to the eight bikers who look like they just ate their mothers and then calls you in for backup.

Trust me, I'm living with President Bush. Sometimes, Presidents, can get the whole country in trouble.

Two Police Officers Arrested On Sex Abuse Charges

To protect and serve doesn't involve wearing a condom.

Uniformed officers Charles McGeean, 37, and Fernand Clerge, 38, stopped the 35-year-old woman's car at about 3:10 a.m. in the Bushwick section and accompanied her to her apartment, according to police spokeswoman Sgt. Geraldine Falcon. The woman called 911 at 4:49 a.m. to report that they had sexually abused her there, police said.I'm not going to jump the gun and proclaim the two officers guilty cause we all know that women, sometimes, exaggerate the truth in order to justify their own actions. Plus, in today's world, there is money in doing just that.But one most also admit that our police force is not always a heroic and justice-serving institution. Actually, sometimes, it resembles the Mafia or a lynch mob.

Ever wonder why most of us feel a sense of dread when we see a police officer? Aren't we supposed to feel safe with them around?Then again, you can't sneeze in someone's apartment without getting sued for not having a tissue. There's been plenty of instances of people claiming fraudelent charges in the hope of making some easy cash.

Who do we believe in this case? No one. I believe no one. It's a shame that as a society not one group of people haven't tarnished their image past the point of redemption and recieving the benefit of the doubt.

Morocco arrests 17 al-Qaeda suspects

Morocco security forces have arrested 17 radical Islamists on suspicion of belonging to a "terrorist structure" linked to al-Qaeda, state news agency MAP said, quoting a police source.This would have been an even better victory against Al-Qaeda if some of the captured hadn't been Al-Qaeda suspects released from a prison in Guantanamo.

Of the 17 arrested, two were former prisoners at the U.S. base in Guantanamo, Cuba.

Let's play the glass is half full and pretend they let the little fish go to catch the big fish. I just hope we haven't installed a revolving door in our war on terror prisons. If our country can't rehabilitate a sex offender we have little hope of changing the mind of a religious fanatic convinced he is guaranteed eternal paradise by blowing himself up.

Bush Is First US President in Mongolia

He might be the first anything in Mongolia.

I thought that Mongolians were just a tall tale invented to scare little Chinese children and justify the building of a tremendous wall. Guess I was wrong.

President Bush became the first sitting American president to visit Mongolia, stepping out of Air Force One into a frigid plain. Right now, that could be anywhere. You could describe Washington DC as a frigid plain for Bush.

President George W. Bush thanked Mongolia Monday for standing with the United States in Iraq. Mongolia has troops in Iraq? Mongolia has troops? There's a Mongolia? I am learning more and more each day doing this. What's next? Tomorrow I'll learn that there's a country between Germany and France that starts with an L.

Mongolia has 131 troops in Iraq and about 50 to Afghanistan in support of the U.S. war against terrorism, clinching its status as an ally. That's not an allied military presence, that's a high school football game turnout. Thanks Mongolia for at least pretending to support. Most countries won't even pretend to not hate us.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Sign of Hope Part 2?

It would be nice if this were true. Some news agencies are reporting that Al-Qaeda in Iraq leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi may have blown himself up in Mosul, Iraq this afternoon, obviously caught up in the spirit of our Sunday Sign of Hope.

From ABC News:U.S. forces sealed off a house in the northern city of Mosul where eight suspected al-Qaida members died in a gunfight some by their own hand to avoid capture. A U.S. official said Sunday that efforts were under way to determine if terror leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was among the dead.On Saturday, police Brig. Gen. Said Ahmed al-Jubouri said the raid was launched after a tip that top al-Qaida operatives, possibly including al-Zarqawi, were in the house in the northeastern part of the city.During the intense gunbattle that followed, three insurgents detonated explosives and killed themselves to avoid capture, Iraqi officials said. Eleven Americans were wounded, the U.S. military said. Such intense resistance often suggests an attempt to defend a high-value target.

Of course,this has been reported plenty of times before and each and every time Zarqawi has popped his head out of some hole somewhere and issued a statement reminding us that he was still breathing our air.Though, it would be nice if Zarqawi decided to treat us to an early holiday present and remove himself from our headlines. While i highly doubt his death, if he is indeed departed, would end the Iraqi insurgency, it should at least have a noticable effect as most insurgencies of past falter when their figurehead buys a farm.

Here's to hoping. I'll keep you posted. Enjoy the rest of your day of rest. Tomorrow's Monday. And that sucks. It'd be nicer to wake up to a world without Zarqawi. Fingers crossed.

Sunday Sign of Hope 11/20/05

Al-Zarqawi's Jordan family renounces him

Family members of Jordanian-born Abu Musab al-Zarqawi renounced the terrorist leader Sunday after his al-Qaida in Iraq group claimed responsibility for the Nov. 9 suicide attacks on three Amman hotels that killed 59 people.

No commentary, no sarcastic remarks...just a deep breath and a little piece of news that may give us hope for the future. One piece, every Sunday. It's the Sunday Sign of Hope.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Conn. Burger King Worker Accused Of Slashing Customer

Guess you can't really have it your way.

A Burger King employee was charged Thursday with slashing the throat of a customer who complained about a food order, two days after an employee at a nearby McDonald's was accused of stabbing a coworker in the neck, police said. well, they say fast food is bad for your health. Burger King may be taking proving that a step too far though. If I order onion rings and get french fries I should be able to complain without being forced to drown in my own blood. Just think of all those times they screwed up your drive-through order. Who knew everytime you complained you were putting your life in danger?

Atheist sues over "In God We Trust" on money

Oh give me a fucking break.

Michael Newdow, a Californian atheist who has fought a series of legal battles seeking to bar religious references from American public life sued on Friday to remove the phrase "In God We Trust" from U.S. money and coins. I'm all for seperating church and state but there is point where you have to pick your battles. When Bush tries to ratify the Constitution of the United States in accordance to his Christian beliefs, yes, I think then all the atheists should stand up and make noise. Teaching God to children in schools or forced prayer is also something I personally don't think should be introduced. But in all fairness, God and religion is something that parents need to take reponsiblity for teaching to their children. We can't expect a country filled with a mix of religions, atheists and the agnostic to suddenly wipe the 'idea' of religion from public view. Fact is, there are religious people in this world. Most of them populate the sandy areas, but they're all over the place. We can't expect them to just say, "Oh I'm sorry, let me keep my God quiet for you." Ain't going to happen.

I don't care what my money says on it. I'm more concerned with whether I have enough of it to pay the bills at the end of the month. I've never looked at my currency and thought "Hey, I don't believe in God, so I don't believe in money." I don't believe in Santa Claus either, but I don't picket shopping malls around December.

Here's a news flash for you Mike. The world doesn't revolve around you. You have to share it.

Isn't it slightly ironic that this sue-happy atheist is suing to get more of the money that he doesn't agree with?

Deer and People Clash in Minnesota

So many deer inhabit the area around Pig's Eye Lake just east of St. Paul that one frustrated local official has compared them to unwanted vermin. One question, who inhabited the area first?

Some of the hooved creatures have been wandering into town, showing up at places like the emergency entrance of Regions Hospital and in front of the pro hockey arena. Why can't we live in harmony with the natural world around us? The size of this fucking planet and we can't get along with each other, let alone other mammals. We act like every living creature on the planet is supposed to understand human civilization and stay in line with how we want them to behave. We move in on their territory, cut down their habitats and then call them a nuisance when they wind up next to us.

We hunt killer sharks for eating us when we swim in the ocean. We shoot endangered sparrows who knock over dominos and we drop camouflaged from the trees to ambush bears and deer with shotguns and call it sport. We're a funny bunch us humans. We're supposed to be the ones with logical thought. If anyone's got the right to suicide bomb a market it's a cow who's fellow species members are on sale for two dollars a pound.

I'm not one of those animal rights nutcases that wants to set fire to an old folks home because people eat cheeseburgers. I just think there's a line we're not seeing. This planet would be pretty boring if we were the only species on it. Boring and super fucking dangerous. We need the reminder that there are other creatures roaming the earth besides us. And every once in a while we need the reminder that to some of those creatures, we're dinner. Keeps us in line.

Tropical storm Gamma

Well we've run out of cute names for tropical storms and hurricanes and have started using the Greek alphabet. Anyone else fear Hurricane Omega? Sounds like a countdown to the apocalypse. Why do we name our hurricanes and nothing else? How come it's not Tornado Tommy of Typhoon Phil. Apparently only hurricanes are worthy for our pet names. Maybe people will stop bunkering down and trying to ride out Hurricane Happy if we just called it the huge fucking rip-roaring storm set to destroy the Florida coast.

Michelle Leslie found guilty, to be Freed

About time we as a world put a new spin on the whole being found guilty thing.

Australian model Michelle Leslie was convicted of 'using ectasy' and possession in an Indonesian court and sentenced to three months in prison. Due to time served in detention already she will be freed today. Three months for using ectasy? You don't arrest a model on ectasy you stupid Indonesian police. If you were quick enough you could have probably had sex with her. Ever see someone on ectasy? They're like out-of-work porn stars who just got their second chance in the limelight.

Nine other Australians are on trial in Bali on charges of smuggling heroin. They are facing the death penatly. That's a big difference in drug charge sentencing. How come Miss. Leslie got off so easy?

Media reports Leslie converted to Islam shortly after her arrest. Court documents identified her as Muslim. During the trial she often wore conservative garb with a white Muslim veil. Well fucking done Miss Leslie, way to play the system. Nothing like converting to the national religion as a way to get your ass out of trouble. Of course, I'm sure it also has something to do with the whole 'posing in your underwear' occupation of yours. Muslim or not, men always have one thing on their mind and its not Allah.

The original charge Michelle was facing carried a 15 year prison sentence. Luckily, converting to Islam knocks that prison shit right out the court. Leslie had turned rat and claimed that the ectasy pills were her friends, Mia, a claim verified by three of the eight witnesses. I guess three out of eight isn't that bad. Apparently thats all you need to get a sentence reduction in Bali courtrooms. That and big tits.

So now that she's converted to Islam her days of modeling in a minimum amount of clothing are over right? Michelle emerged from the prison in skin-tight jeans, a tight tank top, thong and designer sunglasses. Miss Leslie, at least wait to be out of the country before you drop the facade. You're going to get yourself killed. They take their Islam quite seriously over there.

An Islamic Imam told warned Michelle to stop living as a Muslim if she planned to return to modeling in her underwear. See, you've opened a can of worms. Good luck with that.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Al-Zarqawi: Bombers didn't target wedding

Whoops!

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, leader of the terrorist organization Al-Qaeda in Iraq and now doing the ol' backpedal, has released an audiotape. No singing here though. The audiotape claimed the group had not meant to blow up Muslims in their deadly bomb attacks in Jordan.If I walk into a MacDonalds and open fire with a machine gun, kill nine or ten people and then claim I wasn't trying to hurt anyone I was just aiming for the fries, how many people are going to buy that bullshit.

Zarqawi defended the suicide blasts on three hotels saying al Qaeda had inside information that they were used by U.S., Israeli and Jordanian intelligence agencies. "We ask God to have mercy on the Muslims, who we did not intend to target, even if they were in hotels which are centers of immorality," the voice on the tape said.See, he's still trying to justify his actions. Apparently, along with no alcohol, no nudity, no anything worth living for really, Islamic extremists believe Muslims should not go to hotels.

"The idea that they blew up inside wedding ceremonies is a lie by the Jordanian regime ... the target was a meeting of intelligence agencies, but a roof collapsed on a wedding party from the blast," he said. Yeah and Lee Harvey was aiming for the tires.

In a surprise action, Jordanians took the streets in protest. What were they protesting? First thing that comes to mind is Israel but not this time. America? No, that protest is tomorrow. This time they were protesting Al-Qaeda and Jordan-native Mr. Zarqawi himself. With signs that read 'Death to Zarqawi' and 'Burn in Hell Zarqawi' and 'Love the blog Mad Man', Jordanians finally turned their attention to the real enemy, ironically, another Jordanian.

Looks like al-Zarqawi is going to have to rethink his strategy. Uniting the Muslim world by blowing it up just isn't working.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Rejoice! The poster boy for all you people out there hoping to one day cast a spell on yourselves and make your lives interesting is back in theaters.(Warning for all you Potter freaks out there - there are slight spoilers in this headline!)

In this installment, directed by Mike Newell (picture), Harry competes in the Triwizard Tournament and confronts his nemesis, the evil Voldemort.People are cautioning that the new Potter movie may be to 'dark' for children who read the book. It's the first of the Potter movies to carry a PG-13 rating -- for "sequences of fantasy violence and frightening images" -- which may have some adults wondering if the movie is suitable for young fans.To help you decide if the film is right for children younger than 13, here's a look at some of the scenes that contributed to the rating. Oh this should be good. Adults these days are more terrified than children. Here comes the uproar.Â Harry and his friends Ron and Hermione attend the Quidditch World Cup. At the campground (which looks like a Boy Scout National Jamboree), the Dark Mark, the sinister and frightening sign of Voldemort in the form of a skull with a snake, ignites the sky. Tents begin to burn, setting off a panic. Death Eaters, Voldemort's henchmen, search for a battered Harry, who is knocked to the ground and bleeding. Don't know about you but I spent most my childhood battered and bleeding on the ground. This is not scary. This is cool. I want to see that little Radcliff kid get the shit knocked out of him. Next please.

Â During a Triwizard Tournament, Harry must face a fire-breathing dragon, develop gills and stay underwater and fight off mermen while trying to save his friends, who appear to have drowned. He also must navigate a deadly maze that is closing in on and swallowing up competitors. Sounds like my last birthday party. Next!

Â A popular contestant in the tournament is killed, and Harry promises that he'll bring the body back to the boy's father in an emotionally intense scene. People die. That's life. Can't shield your kids from that. They need to understand life and death or they're going to kill themselves doing something stupid. Hey, remember Bambi. Didn't that have a death scene too?

Â Harry finds himself immobilized and at the mercy of the snake-like Lord Voldemort, who collects some of Harry's blood and causes him much pain. Voldemort battles with Harry, nearly killing him. Sounds like an experience I had with a hobo in a New York alley.

Seriously though, when did we start shielding our children from the realities of everyday life? Not one scene mentioned above was something I hadn't seen by about five-years old. I was sitting with my father watching the scene in Poltergeist where the guy rips his face off in the bathroom mirror when I was eight and laughing as my father would replay the scene in slow motion. That prepared me for life...I guess...if anyone ever rips their face off. Point is, fear is healthy. Death is natural and blood is everywhere. Exposing children to it in a controlled environment is good for them. This way when their turtle dies when they're eleven they don't hang themselves.

House Democratic hawk wants pullout from Iraq

Rep. John Murtha, a retired Marine colonel from western Pennsylvania, called the war "a flawed policy wrapped in illusion. ...We cannot continue on the present course." Why is a retired Marine colonel being such a pussy. We can't just pullout from Iraq. Democrats go yelling "Iraq is another Vietnam, it's another Vietnam!" Then they call to truly make it one. You'd think an ex-soldier would understand that. Don't play politics with our wars.

Murtha, a staunch supporter of the armed forces, voted in 2002 to give President Bush the authority to go to war. Then you have no right to complain. Fucking assholes.

Murtha, appearing emotional at times, said he introduced a bill calling for the withdrawal because "our military is suffering" and "the future of our country is at risk. We cannot continue on the present course." You should know better. Our country would be more at risk if we allowed these fanatical, suicidal, homicidal, maniacal terrorist-ical madman to think they have defeated us. That would open the flood gates. If these religious fanatics think for one moment that "Allah" has given them victory over the evil United States that will justify their conquest to kill American citizens. They will use it as a sign that Allah approves of their degenerate behavior. Am I the only one who gets that?

Possible Tamiflu Deaths

If the flu doesn't kill you, the medicine will.

U.S. regulators are studying the deaths of 12 children in Japan who took Roche AG's flu-fighting drug Tamiflu. Every year my office offers free flu shots. I never get one. I never get the flu. A co-worker of mine got the flu shot last year. He was out sick with the flu for two weeks. Because of this I have concluded that the health agencies do not have a clue as to what the fuck they are doing. I know, one-hundred percent KNOW, the day I get a flu shot is the day I get the flu.

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration said it was "concerning" that 32 psychiatric events, such as hallucinations and abnormal behavior, also had been reported in children who took Tamiflu, which is in high demand because it is considered to be one of the best defenses against avian flu in people. Hallucinations and abnormal behavior is one hell of a side effect. Speaking of which, have you seen those drug commercials on television? I saw one yesterday that had a side effect of fucking seizures. I don't know if getting a good nights sleep is worth spending most the next day shaking violently on the floor and foaming at the mouth. We're going to kill ourselves with our remedies.

On the other hand, hallucinating isn't that bad. Some people pay good money for that.

German Parties sign deal to form Grand Coalition

German politics make me nervous. I don't quite understand them and I don't think I ever will. As long as they're not driving tanks over mounds of skulls I don't bother myself with them. I know they were having trouble recently with an election that didn't elect anybody. The whole 'Grand Coalition' part of this headline grabbed me. I don't like it when the Germans have 'Grand Coalitions'. I'm watching you guys.

Pacific Rim leaders meeting over dinner

I hope they're having fish.

Leaders of the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation (APEC) member states are meeting for an official dinner hosted by South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun.The leaders of 19 countries, as well as of Hong Kong and Taiwan, which are formally part of China, are attending the two-day APEC summit in the South Korean port of Busan. Sounds like a damn good time. Obviously they will be discussing important issues like North Korea's nuclear ambitions, free trade and maybe that whole bird flu thing. Right?

The banquet hall is decorated in violets and blues, and fresh flowers line the dining table. What?

The VIP guests will be offered a meal of traditional Korean cuisine and a live music concert featuring a South Korean opera singer and a pop star. I don't give a shit about this. Tell me what these leaders hope to accomplish at this dinner. You're making it sound like they're just getting together to bullshit about the weather and sports scores. Explain to me why this is in the headlines.

Barbecued king-size shrimp, beef cooked with wild mushrooms, and steamed rice will be offered as the main course. The exquisite Korean dish known as shinsollo - a medley of meat, fish, vegetables, and gingko nuts - will be prepared in a special pot right in the dining hall. In the past, this dish would have been served exclusively to members of the royalty. What kind of news article is this? I don't give a shit about the menu. All this does is make me hungry. Did I wander into the 'food' section of the newspaper accidentally? WHATS THE POINT OF THIS HEADLINE!!

A wide selection of Korean pickled vegetables, known as kimchi, will be served as side dishes. The meal will conclude with a desert of traditional Korean cookies, lemon beverages, and fresh fruit. The wine list will include locally produced varietals made from Phellinus linteus fungi, valued for their exceptional medicinal properties. I think this headline is fucking with me.

Bombers Kill 65 at Two Mosques in Iraq

You know for mujahideen, or holy warriors, these guys sure do bomb their places of worship a lot.

Suicide bombers killed 65 worshippers at two Shiite mosques near the Iranian border. Reports claim the bombings were carried out by Iraq's minority Sunni's. We hear a lot about Iraq being on the brink of a civil war between the two Muslim factions of Shiite and Sunnis. I'm left to wonder why we don't let them have their civil war? We had one. Our democracy was once split in half, brother against brother. It turned out okay. Maybe one of the necessery steps towards a completely democratic state is a civil war. Maybe they need to fight it out.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Bird Flu claims first Chinese Victims

China today confirmed its first human fatalities from bird flu. Oh, it's in China though. Open the windows people, we're safe...for now. Remember SARS, West Nile, Monkey Pox? They were going to destroy the earth's population and leave us in some Stephen King/Mad Max post-apocalyptic world where we would kill our neighbor for water or an Advil liquid tablet. Big disppointment on all three counts. SARS wasn't nearly as fatal as we had hoped. West Nile only killed birds and people about to die anyway and Monkey Pox, shit, I don't even remember Monkey Pox.

World public health officials believe a greater risk of a serious outbreak comes from Indonesia or Vietnam. Around 60 people in Asia have been killed by the Bird Flu, almost all of them people who came into close contact with infected flocks.. So, stay away from flocks. Especially infected ones. Yes, there is a chance that a Super-Flu will run rampant across the face of the planet killing 85% of the population but there's also a chance a wayward meteor will collide with Earth or that Ashlee Simpson and Paris Hilton will find a hidden talent and a reason to be famous. I'm not holding my breath though. And I'm not losing sleep over it either. But, to be on the safe side, I'll have the fish.

Ford announces second sizeable vehicle recall in two days

Ford Motor Co. is recalling about 235,000 pickups, vans and sport utility vehicles from the 2006 model year because of potential problems with the windshield wiper motor. At least there's no risk of fire.

Ford said Wednesday it was recalling 220,000 vehicles from the 2005 model year amid concerns a battery cable rubbing against the frame could cause fires and worry that a fuel tank strap could separate after tens of thousands of miles. Nevermind. Two recalls in two days. Is that a record? What is Ford going to announce tomorrow? Call me crazy but when I pay tens of thousands of dollars for something, I expect it not to spontaneously catch fire. Hell, a DVD player is only a few hundred dollars and they don't ignite.

At least Ford is doing the right thing here and recalling their defective product. Of course, you really, really have to search to find this information. But just think, if you're lucky, the Ford you drive will catch fire during a rainstorm and since the windshield wipers don't work you won't be able to see the flames. Happy trails.

Iraq probes white phosphorous use

Iraq has launched an investigation into allegations, denied by the Pentagon, that U.S. soldiers aimed artillery rounds of flammable white phosphorous at civilians. I sure as hell hope we didn't. Can't we as a nation kill another nations people without taking nude photos of them or burning them with chemicals?

U.S. military officials confirmed Wednesday that its troops used white phosphorous during an offensive to rid Falluja of insurgents last November, but the officials denied an Italian report that the weapon was aimed at civilians. um...did we just justify terrorist use of chemical weapons?

In 2004, the State Department said the United States had not used white phosphorous against enemy forces in the November offensive. Earlier this month, the department said that statement was incorrect. When did our country become such bad liars? From not finding WMD's to this, it's like we're trying to say to the world that, from a national intelligence stand-point, we need special classes. The government is constantly having to backpedal and apologize and correct and admit mistakes. It's like we stole a chocolate cookie and are denying it with chocolate stains on our faces. We know almost every other country on this planet hates us for one reason or another and most people think we're a lying, bullying, racist, insensitive, corrupt and evil empire. Why do we have to give them proof to their claims?

A protocol to an accord on conventional weapons that came into force in 1983 forbids the use of incendiary weapons against civilians. You need a protocol for that?

The protocol also bans their use against military targets near concentrations of civilians, except when they are clearly separated from civilians and "all feasible precautions" are taken to avoid civilian casualties. However, while the U.S. signed the overall accord, it did not ratify the incendiary-weapons protocol or another involving blinding laser weapons. Well, there you go. We didn't sign shit. And hey, how fucking cool sounding is blinding laser weapons?

Australia, we'll keep killing you

In a new video, thought to feature hunted Malaysian Islamic militant and Bali bomber Noordin bin Top, Australia is warned to withdraw from Iraq and Afghanistan or risk more Bali-style bomb attacks. More? Did I miss something? Has Austalia been attacked yet? How can Australia face more attacks if there were none in the first place? And what kind of name is Top? That's a fun name for a terrorist.

These video's are starting to be revealed for what they really are...empty threats. Sure there's bound to be more bombings and, yeah, maybe there will be one on Australian soil. But we have to understand something here. These Islamist fanatics have been waiting to go up against the world for decades. They're itching for this fight. You know who I blame for this? Spain. They let the terrorist attacks change their government and pull out of Iraq. And they're still not safe over there.Fanatics, whether Muslim or Christian or Trekkie need to be dragged out and shot. They're fucking dangerous. Anyone willing to blow something up or kill another human being because of an ancient book and blind faith needs to be ushered off to wherever it is they think they're going in the afterlife. I'm not saying only Islamist extremists should be targeted but, hey, there is a pattern lately.

China brushes off Bush's call for more freedom

Trust us, the people are happier without it.

China deflected a call from U.S. President George W. Bush to embrace democracy and religious freedom, choosing on Thursday to set a positive tone for his impending visit to Beijing. Oh, China's just doing what we Americans have learned to do and are ignoring him.

'No defects' in crashed jet

Here's a hint. When a passenger plane skids off the runway and bursts into flames, there's a defect, even if it's minor. Maybe the defect is sitting behind the wheel, or lever, or whatever it is pilots use to make the plane go.

Canadian investigators announced on Wednesday they had found no "significant anomalies" in the mechanical systems of an Air France jet, Flight 358, that crash-landed at Toronto Airport in August. What the fuck is a "significant anomaly"? That makes me want to get on a plane. Who makes the decision whether an anomaly is significant or not? I don't trust the guy at the Burger King drive-through, I'm supposed to trust some guy to decide whether the cable leaking some kind of liquid on the wing is significant or not?

Luckily no one was hurt as all 297 passengers and 12 crew escaped from the Airbus A340-313, or, as they affectionately now call it, the flying blazing deathtrap. For now, I'm keeping my feet on the ground. And I'm carrying a parachute just in case.

Farmer suicides over rice market

That'll show 'em!

A South Korean farmer angered by plans to open up the local rice market killed herself by drinking insecticide. You know, I like to think of myself as a passionate man. I have very strong beliefs about government (it sucks), about religion (it's bullshit) and about the people of this planet (they're crazy). I, however, have never felt strongly enough about one cause to hollow myself out from the inside by drinking insecticide. I've never really felt the need to write a letter, let alone a suicide note.

Oh Cho-ok, 40, a farmer from a southern village, urged South Korean politicians in her suicide note not to pass measures which would incrementally open the country's rice markets as part of its World Trade Organisation obligations. Well, what do you care now? You've removed yourself from the debate and will go down in history as the crazy woman who killed herself over the rice market. You know, there are better ways to protest than completely removing yourself from the protest process. Sure a couple of people might take a step back and think, "that bitch is nuts" but after that, you've really only accomplished proving insecticide is poisonous.

My father once told me that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I never thought this saying would include the rice market. Most everyone is passionate about something. Obssessive enough to kill themselves...maybe not. The point here is, I guess, don't drink insecticide to prove a point. Kind of sad you have to tell people that.

5 US soldiers killed in Iraq

Could someone please sit me down and explain to me why the US media feels the need to count every war casualty? If we lose 5,000 soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan does everyone win a Hummer? What fucking possible reason can they give to keep us informed on such horrific statistics.

You know what the reason is? It sells newspapers. It gets ratings. Everyone wants the outcome but isn't willing to bear the cost. In war people are killed. In war, we lose our sons and daughters, our sisters our brothers and our mothers and fathers. In war, people shoot at each other and blow each other up (and apparently sometimes themselves in minivans). It's the ultimate shame of mankind.

Peace on earth would be nice. I'm all for it. But it's not going to happen. You people need to realize that. As long as their are people who hate you for your God, hate your country for their politics, or hate you cause they're having a bad day, you will have violence and you will have war. As long as there is government, religion, possessions and money there will be war, abhorrence, murder and greed. Unless you get rid of one group the other is here to stay.

There is no peace without war and whether you agree with the war or not, fact is, WE ARE AT WAR! Put the fucking protest signs down, break up the prayer circles and get with reality. Stop telling the media we want the bad news, all the bad news and nothing but bad news. This reality-television, misery-loving, entertained-by-peoples-failure-and-pain society that can only get their fat asses off the fucking couch during a commerical dwells so much on the negative aspects of existence that's all we hear anymore.

Stay the course, finish the job in Iraq and Afghanistan and bring the troops home to their families. And to those troops that gave their lives...I, at least, appreciate and honor you.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Baseball unveils three-strike drug policy

" You underestimate the powerof the dark side of the force"

Major League Baseball took a step toward winning over the U.S. Congress yesterday, when it announced tougher penalties for steroid use and, for the first time, established penalties for the use of amphetamines. Does anybody even watch baseball anymore? I could care less if a bunch of guys making a couple million dollars a year want to use some drugs that makes their testicles shrink. What happened to the love in the game? The glory? What happened to the era when baseball helped define the country? Probably the same thing that happened to common sense, independent thought and brotherhood. Oh, and freedom of expression and speech are on their way out the ball park as well.

Activists Cry Foul Over Killing of Domino-Spilling Sparrow

Just because you have no life don't give you the right to go around ending everything else's.

Animal rights activists in the Netherlands want charges laid in the shooting of a rare sparrow that knocked over 23,000 dominoes as a TV company was setting up for a world-record attempt. Damn right charges should be laid, and that's only for taking the time to set up 23,000 dominos. So a bunch of morons spend way too much time trying to break a record no one cares about, a sparrow does what you know everyone's thinking about doing, and you shoot it. Assholes.

The sparrow, which is on the national endangered list, had flown into an exposition centre in the city of Leeuwarden. After knocking over the dominoes, it was chased into a corner and shot by an exterminator with an air rifle. That'll teach the sparrow who's the dominant species.

Under Dutch law, you need a permit to kill this kind of bird, and a permit can only be granted when there's a danger to public health or a crop. I take it that doesn't include ruining the preparation of something no one is going to give a shit about anyway.

"I might add: Is it really necessary to kill a bird that knocked over a few dominoes for a game?" said Dutch animal protection agency spokesman Niels Dorland. Um...no...actually it isn't. Actually, it really isn't necessary to kill a bird unless you are starving to death or it is attempting to peak your or a loved ones eyes out. You ever stub your toe on a table as you walk by and then hit the table in anger? It's kind of like that. Blaming something else and reacting violently for our own stupidity. It's a reaction we use that goes back to the times when we used to live in trees.

Death threats have reportedly been made against the man who killed the bird. Hey look, the people against the killing of animals are making death threats. I love this planet.

About 100 people with the TV company Endemol NV had spent weeks at the centre setting up more than four million dominoes in an attempt to surpass the official Guinness world record for falling dominoes. The record is 3,992,397. Why the fuck are we as a society keeping track of this bullshit?

Endemol spokesman Jeroen van Waardenberg defended killing the bird. "That bird was flying around and knocking over a lot of dominoes," van Waardenberg said. "More than 100 people from 12 countries had worked for more than a month setting them up." You really found that many people with absolutely nothing to fucking do? You should have thanked the bird for ending the pathetic display of the results of boredom and the human desire to see our names written somewhere other than the phonebook. The only way I could let this one pass is if, right after the sparrow was shot, a janiter knocked over some dominos and they shot him.

Islamists show strength in Egypt elections

Well, there goes my chance to see the Great Pyramids without getting a homemade rocket shoved up my ass.

Egypt's Muslim Brotherhood more than doubled its strength in parliament in the early stages of legislative elections. The Brotherhood is officially outlawed but has made the most of unusual tolerance from the authorities in the last month to campaign openly for parliament. Its candidates have to compete as independents to sidestep the ban on the group. Now that's a loophole. Members of an outlawed group running for parliament. You're not allowed to exist but, by all means please, run the country. This is going to make for bad relations with Egypt isn't it?

Campaigning under the slogan "Islam is the Solution," the Brotherhood aims to bring legislation into line with Islamic laws. Yup, things in Egypt are going to get tough. I really wanted to see the pyramids too. Crap.

US Troops Discover 173 Abused Detainees In Iraq Basement

All I have in my basement is old furniture and boxes of clothes that no longer fit.

Iraq's Government said today that it is shocked by the discovery of 173 prisoners in the basment of a Interior Ministry building in Baghdad, many of them malnourished and showing obvious signs of torture. Many had been severely beaten, some were paralysed and others had skin peeling off their bodies. Okay, I agree, those are signs of torture. Especially the whole skin peeling off the body thing. I don't think that happens naturally, unless you're a snake. Maybe these Iraqi's were reptilian. Someone's going to blame America for this.

US officials have denied any responsibility for a newly revealed prisoner abuse scandal. Isn't it sad that we as a country have to actually say:" Hey, it wasn't us torturing Iraqi prisoners this time."But seriously, if Iraqis are torturing Iraqis how are we supposed to know we shouldn't? Maybe it's part of the culture. Americans are always being accused of being unsympathetic towards foreign cultures. Next time I run into an Iraqi maybe I should behead him.

Bush Hails Taiwan As Democratic Model

In a move befitting the mentally challenged, President Bush challenged China just days before meetings with its leaders, and today held up the self-governing island of Taiwan that Beijing claims as its own as a model of freedom "at all levels" that the communist giant should emulate. What the fuck is wrong with him?Bush, don't piss off the country with the nukes. And if you really, really have to, wait until after you visit at least. That's going to make for some awkward moments. Following the headlines on Bush is like following the adventures of Timmy the Monkey with Down Syndrome. We wince everytime he opens his mouth and whenever he accomplishes a small task, like eating pretzels without passing out we praise him like a puppy. It's the ulitmate fake-out if you ask me. Only someone that brillant could pretend to be so fucking inept as to be praised for the simplest shit as he does. Of course, he's going to get us all killed.

In remarks sure to irritate his Chinese hosts, Bush prodded the communist nation to grant basic freedoms to its 1.3 billion people and further open its economy. Yes, our President is irritating but at least no one has rioted in Asia yet. A few weeks ago Bush's visit to South America sparked violent rioting. I see that as progress.

Two killers Escape from Iowa Prison

Moon, left, and Legendre, right, are now serving their life sentences on the streets somewhere in Iowa

So has anyone else noticed that prison appears to be optional lately? Only about a week ago a murderer just kind of strolled out of police custody and took off. Attention police and prison guards: those people with the handcuffs and the bright orange jumpsuits are what we call criminals. You should keep an eye on them. PAY ATTENTION!

Authorities are searching for two convicted murderers who escaped from the Iowa State Penitentiary by using homemade grappling hook to scale an unguarded section of the prison's limestone walls. Is it just me or should convicted murders not have the resources available to construct, I don't know, a fucking grappling hook? Here you go killer, here's a nice long rope. And what's this 'unguarded section' bullshit. Isn't the whole point of a prison to keep watch over certain people deemed a little too 'free' to hang around with the rest of us?

Martin Shane Moon, 34, and Robert Joseph Legendre, 27, broke out Monday night from the prison in Fort Madison, where they were serving life sentences. Or so we thought. They had other ideas.

the inmates somehow got around a wire that is supposed to activate an alarm when touched. What someone do forget to turn it on. I love the 'supposed-to's' . The wire was 'supposed to' set off an alarm. The prisoners are 'supposed to' serve life sentences. I'm 'supposed to' do my job and keep an eye on them. Yea, but who's got the time.

The guard tower in that section of the prison was unmanned at the time because of budget cuts. said Fred Scaletta, a Corrections Department spokesman. Don't give me that budget cut bullshit. School's budgets are cut all the time. I'm pretty sure they got those kids learning history off the back of cereal boxes at this point. But they still manage to teach those kids enough to be able to figure out their profit from cutting a kilo of cocaine for Johnny 'The Tooth" and how much child support is going to come out of their paycheck from McDonalds. So how come you can't manage to stop two convicted murders from pulling a super-secret spy maneuver over the wall? I smell lazy...and a little bit of bullshit too. Who's cooking politics?

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Suspected 'Cell Phone Bandit' Arrested

Now that's multitasking!

FBI agents arrested Candice R. Martinez, the 19 year-old throwing caution to the wind and risking the possible cancerous brain tumor by using a cell phone to your left,Tuesday who was suspected of robbing four banks in suburban Virginia while appearing to be talking on a cell phone. You know, who really has the time these days to stick up a bank the old fashioned way and take their time using an elderly woman as a human shield as they beat the bank manager into submission for the keys to the vault." Mom can you hold on a sec...I said umarked bills bitch!"

Security cameras filmed the suspect walking up to tellers and handing them a note demanding cash all while appearing to be chatting on her cell phone. Look, I'm not the bravest man in the world but if I'm a bank teller, which I'm not, but if I was you would need to at least stick a gun in my face to get me to hand over money. I'm not going to give you money because you have a note. I understand it's not my money and no, I couldn't care less what happens to a banks cash, but if you can't take the time to get off the fucking phone and stick a gun in my face I'm not taking the time to empty the cash into a bag. Fair is fair. If you're going to do something, do it right.

Japan's Princess Sayako Marries Commoner

How would you like every newspaper in the world to refer to you as common? It would fucking piss me off I'll tell you that much.

The only daughter of Japan's Emperor Akihito and Empress Michiko married a childhood friend Tuesday and began life as a commoner after moving out of the royal palace and giving up the title of princess so the wedding could take place. Oh look, the rich bitch wants to live like the rest of us. How cute.

Thousands of well-wishers cheered 36-year-old Princess Sayako as she was driven from the palace grounds to the Imperial Hotel, where she married Yoshiki Kuroda, a common city employee and someone who towers over the ex-princess like Godzilla over Tokyo, in a low-key ceremony.

To prepare for her new life, Sayako took driving lessons and practiced shopping at supermarkets. Is there much practice needed to shop in supermarkets? I've been doing it all this time and now I learn I'm apparently winging it. I didn't know there were professionals out there. Now I feel all fucking self-conscious about my shopping skills. Shit.

Israel and Palestinians agree to open up Gaza

Israel and Palestine have agreed upon something. This can only mean one thing. There is going to be violence soon. Everytime Israel and Palestine come to some sort of agreement someone, somewhere, fires a rocket at somebody else.Either Israel is going to kill a Hamas or Islamic Jihad, or one of the other twenty billion Palestinian militant groups, leader or a Palestinian is going to shoot a homemade rocket into a patch of dirt somewhere near Tel Aviv and BANG, we'll be back into the longest running soap-opera of our generation.This agreement, to open up several crossings from Gaza into neighboring Israel and Egypt and give Israeli security personnel a role in checking trucks, buses and individuals to guard against terrorist attacks is a good one, in theory. Lot's of things sound good on paper. Just watch, Trust me. Someone's going to blow something up.

50 cm tsunami forecast for Japan after quake

Not another tsunami! Run for the hills, women and children first. This tsunami is over...one foot tall!

Wait a fucking second. 50cm is about 20 inches right? That's a little under two feet. Aren't normal waves usually bigger than that? I know the Japanese are typically a short people but come on, lets not get carried away here.

There were no reports of injuries or major damage from the tsunami waves. You'd have to be a fucking idiot to get hurt by a two foot wave. I can appreciate the warning considering Japan is one of the most earthquake-prone countries on the planet. I read somewhere they experience a tremor every five minutes. No wonder the Japanese are so work-oriented. They're trying to keep their minds off of the consistent reminder that at anytime the ground could open up and swallow them. Or a gigantic lizard could stomp through the cities.

S.Korea Farmers Clash with Riot Police over Rice

Rice...it's not just for weddings anymore.

Thousands of South Korean farmers clashed with police on Tuesday in the capital, Seoul, to demand the withdrawal of a bill to open up the country's rice market on the eve of a major economic summit in the port city of Pusan. I have no idea what this means, all I know is that lately people will riot over anything. Rioting is the new in-thing. It used to be cell-phones and IPods. Now, you're just not one of the cool kids unless your tossing a firebomb at a human wall of police in riot gear or flipping a burning car over.

The farmers, many wielding steel pipes and bamboo sticks, were stopped just short of the assembly and entered in a tense standoff with police, who used water cannons to subdue the farmers and break up the protest. A tense standoff ended by a watergun fight. I am going back to bed. This world is getting scarier by the minute.

70 farmers and 10 policemen were taken to hospital after the bloody clash. Those sure are some powerful water cannons. Might want to take the water pressure down a notch or two.