Christian Right Weekly Round-Up: Pastor Pillow Prepares His State of the Communion Address

Sorry for the mess. Come on in. Watch out for those empty bottles. I swear I started with Cold Duck—how I ended up with all these bottles of Old Crow I have no idea.

Mrs. Pillow is away for the weekend [hiccup!] at a Faith & Freedom Coalition conference planning meeting—she’s co-chairing the event with Kirk “I Saved Christendom” Cameron. But she keeps sending me cryptic texts every couple of hours about how much is too much Cialis, and did King Solomon have any wise words to say in Song of Songs about “rooster” rings?

Wait, don’t trip over that bottle of Wild Turkey. I think it’s still got another slug or two in it. Dang, it’s a bird imbibing theme, isn’t it? All we need now is the Holy Ghost dove.

Speaking of ghosts, I’m delighted you could make it, as I’m very much in need [hiccup!] of a ghostwriter at the moment. I should be working on my annual State of the Communion homily for the Cubic Zirconium Cathedral morning service, but as you can see [hiccup!], I’m not in the best state of mind presently for keyboarding.

So if you wouldn’t mind serving as my amanu—[hiccup!]— my amanu—[hiccup!]—my typist, I would greatly appreciate it.

Here, just have a seat at my desk. It’s a Parnian, thanks for asking. That cherry wood-embossed cross on the front panel cost me an entire Third Offering, but it was worth it. Take off your socks and let your toes luxuriate in the thickness of this New Moon rug—that’s New Zealand pure wool. It was a gift from John Hagee when his book Four Blood Moonshit the NY Times bestseller list. Golly-gee, nothing drives sales like the apocalypse.

Where were we? [hiccup!] Here, just let your little fingers peck at my $1 million Luvaglio laptop while I dictate—that’s real cheetah hide. Oh look, another text from the missus:

“Honey, do you think there is a specific sub-principality of demons assigned to creating morning wood?”

See what I’m talking about?! Here, hand me that bottle of Grey Goose. Let’s get started.

This morning, I address you, my beloved Cubic Zirconium Ministry sheepies [hiccup!] with the news that the State of our Communion is strong—stronger than it has ever been. Literally and spiritually.

As you know, we make our non-alcoholic communion from the finest Ruby Roman grapes your hard-earned tithes can buy. By the way, today and today only we are offering a 15% discount on the Rhodium Parishioner Plan—which comes with a free year’s supply of Pastor Pillow podcasts and 12 free tickets to the Jacob’s Ladder Baptismal Water Slide and Noah’s Ark Petting Zoo. Plus we’ll throw in a free signed photograph of Ken Ham burning an effigy of Stephen Hawking.

But the State of our Communion is also made strong—spiritually—by the 114th United States Congress, which contains more Family Research Council- and NRA-endorsed legislators than any Congress since Thomas Jefferson was Senator from the great state of [hiccup!] Antioch. We may need to change that last bit—but keep typing. [hiccup!]

Our humble, Spirit-led community boasts 12 U.S. military drone pilots and only a handful of Arab-Americans in the church directory—mostly due to miscegenation. At last count, the members of the Veterans of Cubic Zirconium prayer group were directly responsible for 13,000 dead Mesopotamian—[hiccup!]—Middle Eastern Muslims—that’s if you count civilian deaths. At this time, I would also like to remind you that VCZ will be holding an American Sniper potluck fundraiser this Thursday in the Belshazzar Banquet Hall. Contact Marge Schnitgroin for further details. Those attending are asked not to bring garbanzo bean covered dishes.

As we seek Christ’s discernment in 2015 Anno Domini, I am confident that we can transform America back into the Bible-humping [hiccup!]—that is, Bible-believing bastion it once was. The Spiritual Sons of Paul Revere shall ride with lanterns and M4 carbines held high at year’s end, claiming victory in Jesus on abortion, on vouchers, on Keystone, on immigration (let’s build that Jericho wall!), on school prayer. And most of all, we shall rid ourselves from sea to shining sea of the seven-headed Universal Healthcare Beast of Abomination and his Same-Sex Marriage Whore of Babylon. To Abaddon the policies of Obama!

Well, can you believe that? I get all schnockered for nothing. Turns out Mrs. Pillow’s been helping some Tea Party House members draft some new legislation. They’re calling it the WANG Act—stands for Wanton Wieners Are Not Godly. It’s genius, really—totally rewrites the Pro-Life movement in one fell swoop. The new law would basically ban male arousal except for the purposes of procreation.

And here I was worried. Have a Thunderbird. Okay, back to huntin’ and peckin’!

As we speak, several frigates of cold hard Cubic Zirconium cash are headed to our offshore accounts in the Virgin Islands…

I can’t hold out much longer
The way that I feel
With the blood from my body
I could start my own still

Behold, the Christian Right Weekly Round-Up!

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We’re going to try something we’ve never done before at Pastor Pillow Headquarters. Normally we provide a several hundred-word rundown of each article selected for criticism. But instead—and for your aesthetic enjoyment—we are going to respond only by that ancient form of Japanese poetry, haiku.

Okay, just a few more words. I threw up halfway through this click-bait, faux-sincere “reach out” missal. It read like it was penned by a PR specialist angling for the author (whose Christian Post stories we’ve covered before) to pick up spiritual street cred by supposedly taking the higher ground. Larry, you might fool some readers, but you can’t fool God. You’re full of shit.

But don’t worry. We’ll get another shot to right the Good Ship Civilization on Tuesday, November 8, 2016. Hopefully our Little Blue Planet will still be alive and kicking by then. And hopefully we can all get off our Balaam’s asses this time and find a voting booth.

Arik Bjorn lives in Columbia, South Carolina. He was the Democratic Party / Green Party fusion candidate for U.S. Congress in the 2nd Congressional District of South Carolina. Visit the archive for Arik’s campaign website, and check out his latest book, So I Ran for Congress. You can also follow his political activities on Twitter @Bjorn2RunSC and on Facebook. And be sure to check out more from Arik in his archives!