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Sunday, May 7, 2017

Advice given in the throes of a toothache

1. Don't cut your arm off. As annoying as clipping fingernails is with your non-dominant hand is, you're going to need that hand to hold your cellphone with as you wipe.

2. A day is as much as a night is in terms of sunlight, just the exact opposite. Go read a book on Eastern philosophy. It makes sense to someone.

3. If Jesus was so cool, why didn't he wear Wayfarers? You want to be cool, I mean, Bob fucking Dylan cool? Get some Ray Bans and tell daddy-o to fuck off.

4. Start quitting cigarettes by sticking them up your ass. You'll develop a resistance to putting those same cigarettes in your mouth. Trust me.

5. Post on Facebook about the French election like you're an expert. All your friends will heap praise on you even though you thought a bill was a law automatically because Paul Ryan rubbed his nuts on it.

6. This advice is in jail for making fun of Jeff "Cyst Lips" Sessions and under investigation by the FCC because we live in Russia now.

7. Grab a sledgehammer and just bash it against your teeth. You don't need them anyways when the robots take over and use our toothless mouths to age their cheese in.