Monday, December 21, 2009

Long Dark Road

Life just seems like a long dark road these days, even when I know I possess all these great and fantastic attributes that make me; ME. I’ve been having some doubts about myself these days, trying to manage things that are in my control and trying to let go of things that are not. My age has been and is becoming a huge issue for me.. It’s not the physical number but the changes that come with that number I’m fighting. My knees ache, my vision is getting worse, how forgetful I’m becoming. I used to remember the phone numbers of all my friends, now I couldn’t tell you the number of my BFF off the top of my head. Living in my head is taking on a whole new meaning, since I’m doing it more often yet trying to be a better communicator.

It has been a struggle to maintain optimism, to know there’s a future, and to believe in the knowledge that “everything will be okay in the end.” for it always is for me, so I shouldn’t be bothered by it, but I am. It’s the sense of hopelessness I can’t shake, knowing that I may be alone for the rest of my life, that I will eventually die and no one will be around to care. My things will be given away, my home, my pets and people’s detachment of death will make my memory forgotten. I try to keep in mind that there is someone out there for me, either I’m not ready to meet them or they’re not ready to meet me. Either way, simply, it’s just not time yet.

Most who know me know that I raised a strict Catholic for the most part. I’ve never been really one to believe or have faith in religion and for a short period didn’t believe in God. For I’d like to think I’m a logical thinker and need things to be tangible, for me to have believe in them. Only the last several years have I made a promise to myself and the good Lord that I’d try to have faith in him and myself over things I can’t control or handle. That there is a reason, for things to be the way they are. That this is happening for a greater purpose that I can’t comprehend or am unable to understand at this time. I promised not only to have faith in him, knowing he’ll take care of things but to attend church on the sacred days (Easter and Christmas), I pray vehemently when things are tough for someone I know or when I’m feeling so bad that I can barely breathe. I’ll actually lie on the floor in front of the alter, spread out, face down and pray. I’d like to think that most of the time I’m heard.

But...

There is something instinctual – something beyond my logical mind that tells me that I will be fine and things will turn out much better than I could possibly comprehend, just to give.. it... time. Yet I feel as if time is my enemy. It’s something I’ve known, that’s been there all along, waiting. I’ve yet to just let go, stop worrying about it and let it happen. It’s as if I was underwater, holding my breath, afraid to drown and all I have to do is have a little faith to open my mouth and take a deep, sweet breath of air. He will guide my life in the direction it needs to go. I may not always understand it, I may not always agree with it but I have to believe that there is a purpose for all of this, and faith that it will turn out all right, even though it may not be obvious to me. But what is faith, if we cannot trust in those things that are not tangible and believe in things that are as well, isn’t that God? The belief in something you can’t see, taste, hear, or smell, but you KNOW is there?