After Birth

MADISON, WI—Saying he’d been meaning to set aside this kind of time for a while now, local father Gary Plumber told reporters Tuesday that he had freed up the entire day to spend on some quality father-grill bonding.

WILLOUGHBY, OH—Allowing no window whatsoever for additional conversation to take place, the father of local man Luke Asbury reportedly handed off the phone to Luke’s mother on Sunday immediately after his son wished him a happy Father’s Day.

Noting that the 37-year-old does not possess the looks, charisma, talent, or name recognition of a successful leading man, Hollywood insiders agreed Thursday that local account manager Dennis Kerning’s star power is not sufficient to carry a major m...

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

ALLENTOWN, PA—Recognizing that their child is old enough now to have such an important conversation, local parents Nick and Karen Yates reportedly sat down with their 10-year-old son Nathaniel on Monday to have the ‘Sex, Lies, and Videotape’ talk.

ARLINGTON, MA—Fondly watching him as he joined a group of other men his age huddled around a classic car, members of the Altman family were reportedly excited Wednesday to see their dad making friends in their new neighborhood.

INDIANAPOLIS—Upon discovering what appeared to be an ideal parking spot Friday, members of the Jowhari family reportedly dispatched their mother, Anita, on a fact-finding mission to investigate the details of a nearby street sign.

FREMONT, NE—Noting the constant stream of questions and blatant suggestions directed solely at his sibling, area man Josh Koppel, 32, reported Friday that his mother was much more insistent about getting grandkids from his brother than from him.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

WILMINGTON, NC—Aggressively exploiting the short windows of time she spent with the high school junior, local mom Ally Brullard has been really gunning to befriend her babysitter during their weekly three-minute interactions, family sources reported this past Saturday.

AUSTIN, TX—Anxiously wondering what kind of impression he was leaving on university admissions officials, wealthy father Gordon Fring was said to be waiting restlessly for responses this week after mailing donations to his son’s top college choices.

MISSOULA, MT—Describing how he suddenly found himself overwhelmed by a flood of intense emotions, local man Mike Bentzen told reporters Monday the reality of fatherhood didn’t truly set in for him until the moment he held his newborn son’s hospital bill.

COLUMBUS, OH—Watching in disbelief as the youngster added another children’s novel to his quickly growing stack, sources confirmed Thursday that local third-grader Hayden Schmidt was clearly biting off more than he could chew at his elementary school book fair.

WASHINGTON—According to an alarming new report published Thursday by the National Center for Education Research, the majority of American students do not possess the language skills and vocabulary necessary to belittle their classmates in an effective manner.

AUSTIN, TX—Saying they’ve been keeping a close eye on their 4-year-old’s skill at memory games, the breadth of his vocabulary, and his overall behavior, local parents Greg and Lisa Weiss told reporters Thursday they’re trying to gauge if their son is a complete idiot before deciding whether to move to a better school district.

SOUTH BEND, IN—Holding the straps of his brand-new backpack while confidently striding toward homeroom Thursday, self-assured seventh-grader Caleb Burgess reportedly announced “new year, new Caleb” on his first day of school.

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Excitedly watching the exhibition game in the half-empty stadium, local 13-year-old Josh McNeil reportedly had an overall pretty decent birthday party Saturday night at a Week 3 preseason NFL game between the New York Giants and the New York Jets.

WASHINGTON—A report released Monday by the Pew Research Center revealed that a growing number of American fifth-graders are opting to take a gap year to unwind from the stresses of elementary education and recharge themselves before taking on the rigors of middle school.

Mariana Trench Once Again Named Worst Place To Raise Child

According to Parenting magazine, the Mariana Trench’s nonexistent school system and utter darkness make it a less than ideal place to raise children.

According to Parenting magazine, the Mariana Trench’s nonexistent school system and utter darkness make it a less than ideal place to raise children.

NEW YORK—Parenting magazine released its annual list of the best and worst places to raise a child this week, once again naming the Mariana Trench—an undersea chasm located 36,000 feet beneath the western Pacific Ocean—as the least desirable location for rearing children.

The periodical’s staff reportedly selected amongst thousands of locations, weighing a diverse range of criteria such living costs, air quality, and local amenities, categories for which the pitch-black, silt-covered abyss unanimously received an “F” rating.

“In all categories, the Mariana Trench consistently got our lowest marks as a good place to start a family,” the 14-page article read in part. “The school system is nonexistent, the nearest playground is 300 nautical miles away, and at over 15,000 pounds per square inch, the hydrostatic pressure is enough to crush a child in less than a second.”

“While the area does contain a low crime rate, that benefit is quickly negated by the Mariana Trench’s lack of a police department, not to mention fire, sanitation, highway, or public works departments,” the article continued.

The Mariana Trench, with zero acres of community parkland, a median household income of $000,000.00, and an unemployment rate of 100 percent, has held its spot as Parenting’s worst place to raise a child for seven consecutive years now, thanks largely to its un-family-friendly freezing temperatures and high concentration of exothermic bacteria.

According to the magazine, competition for the worst spot in the rankings was particularly fierce this year, with the Mariana Trench competing with locations as far-ranging as Mt. Everest, an industrial slaughterhouse, an iceberg drifting in the Arctic, St. Louis, and the cone of Hawaii’s Mauna Loa volcano.

“In composing our rankings, we found that, compared to somewhere like Sunnyvale, CA—a town in which we would highly recommend parents raise their children—the Mariana Trench lacks many of the conveniences such as walking trails or shopping outlets that would be attractive to a family,” the magazine’s editor, Samuel Norton, explained. “While you could conceivably go hiking with your kids in the [crescent-shaped oceanic valley] Challenger Deep or sign them up for swim team, you would still have to somehow get over the perpetual darkness that constantly cloaks the trench in all directions.”

“And if you’re looking for a decent pediatrician, you’re going to have your work cut out for you,” Norton added.

The magazine’s editors found that with no community centers, golf courses, neighborhood gardens, or social outlets of any sort to speak of, there was little if anything to distract a mother or father from the extremely stressful lifestyle that would be typical of raising a family 5,269 fathoms beneath the sea.

Parenting also criticized the housing market in the Mariana Trench, emphasizing that the cost of building and maintaining a state-of-the-art titanium-reinforced bathysphere capable of withstanding the location’s volcanic heat vents and constant earthquakes would be a minimum of roughly $20 million—an investment they said was far out of the range of most families.

“In terms of commuting options alone, the Mariana Trench would prove a real nightmare for any working parent,” Norton remarked, going on to call the location’s utter lack of public transportation “simply unacceptable.” “I mean, to even reach the trench in the first place, you would need to acquire an extremely sophisticated diving bell, convince your family to stow themselves one or two at a time along with all of their possessions, and then plunge 6.85 miles down into a dark, undersea chasm devoid of any sense of community, or any warm-blooded life whatsoever.”

“At that point, you have to ask yourself, ‘Is this really what’s best for my child?’” Norton added.

Ultimately, the magazine’s staff urged parents to consider their family first when choosing whether or not to live in the Mariana Trench.

“The obstacles your child will face in their first years of school are already going to be enormous,” Norton said. “Having to contend with the challenge of having their head literally implode when exposed to their hometown’s atmosphere can only make things worse.”

More from this section

INDIANAPOLIS—Upon discovering what appeared to be an ideal parking spot Friday, members of the Jowhari family reportedly dispatched their mother, Anita, on a fact-finding mission to investigate the details of a nearby street sign.

SUN PRAIRIE, WI—According to shocked and disgusted sources, local couple Graham and Allison Finlay partake in a bizarre presex ritual where they tuck both of their kids into bed and then kiss them goodnight.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN—Saying the rookie running back was merely “working through something,” members of the Minnesota Vikings coaching staff told reporters Tuesday that they are not going to panic over a flickering Dalvin Cook.