Mohammed bin Salman Explains

October 20, 2018

I’m mad as can be at some of my generals, advisers, security agents, consular secretaries, and others. Their recent incompetence has temporarily tarnished my stellar reputation. I would’ve cleared up this whole mess two weeks ago if these rogues hadn’t deceived me.

First they told me Jamal Khashoggi rapidly took care of his fiancé-related paperwork at our consulate in Istanbul and left a happy man. But his fiancé was waiting out front and said he never emerged and security cameras confirmed her version. Then I was told Khashoggi, who I considered a friend, left through the rear entrance. I don’t know why he’d do that, but I trusted my experts.

I became worried upon learning that a fifteen-man team of agents and others had been dispatched to Istanbul in two private planes. They planned to wait at the consulate in order to talk to Khashoggi and persuade him to return to his Saudi Arabian homeland. Somehow this unauthorized order got mangled as it bounced from one imbecile to the next and by the time Jamal Khashoggi arrived at the consulate several agents greeted him. Khashoggi unwisely attacked the agents who tried to gently subdue him but, alas, one overzealous fellow applied a chokehold too vigorously and the Washington Post columnist expired.

I don’t know where the body is. Some of our contacts in Istanbul disposed of it. Who are the contacts? Their names are confidential. Even I don’t know their identities. I also can’t imagine why Turkish authorities are spreading wild stories about Saudi agents and a forensic pathologist torturing Khashoggi and cutting off his fingers before dismembering his body.

The Turks claim they have an audio tape verifying their version of events. I’ve even heard the Turks have some video footage. I’m betting that’s not the case. So is President Donald Trump, our greatest ally, who said my explanation is “credible” and a “good first step.” I know President Trump is also pleased that I’ve already fired an important adviser as well as my deputy intelligence director and arrested many rogue agents and others.