Thursday, January 28, 2010

I am reading a book about writing a book. The book talks about free form writing: Just putting down what you think as you think it. If I hadn't been reading this book I wouldn't have made the last post, but it did seemed to clear my writers block. Perhaps I just needed to read what my negative voice was saying so I would better understand what to ignore.There are so many names: down. moody. absent-minded. dysthymia. chronic clinical depression. These are some of the names of what I need to, and am trying to, ignore. Maybe if I read it, I can overcome it. I have obviously fallen off the 'up' wagon. My thoughts have gone back to being muddy and uncertain. My chin has dropped and the corners of my mouth have frozen. Oh...to be normal. I don't know of many people who wake up one day and are cured, they seem to struggle with this for a lifetime. Normal people go through periods of depression-generally after a crisis. Others go through periods of uncertainty during major life changes. What about the ones, like me, who run for years on the low end of the mood spectrum? What about those who have done the work and can't snap out of it. History is full of very eccentric people who struggle with depression and they seem to die tragic deaths. I'm not afraid of dying tragically-I am more afraid of living tragically.

I have been thinking that something extraordinary would have to happen to me in order for me to really excel as a human; it is the old story of making the most of a bad situation. I hear about people who overcome something terrible-like loosing a leg-and then become a great athlete. In my life, I wonder if I have had those terrible things happen that would bring about greatness. Looking back-I probably have had enough terrible things like divorce, sick kid, mother with cancer, failure to launch after college... Terrible things do not equal greatness. Many people suffer a great tragedy and are worse for ware rather than better. why am I so naive. everybody knows this...why do I even try. No body reads this anyway. I don't have any insight. I am not interesting. I will be a sad, pathetic, fat girl the rest of my life. I am a bad mother and an even worse wife. I can't write. I don't have any hobbies. I am not great at anything including being a friend/lover/mother. I can't get my life straight. I will never be able to make what I think into what I see. That guy had a cute butt. Guess I'll go eat worms.

Monday, January 25, 2010

My home at night is the most comforting place to be. My daughter is finally still, my husband is usually still at work and I am left alone. I listen the hum of the dryer as it cycles through the last load of the day. I listened as the dish washer steams and sprays away the terrible dinner I made. There is such a sense of accomplishment in the knowledge that some things in my life are clean and completed. I find great peace listening to the night sounds alone in the dark. In my busy life there are so few moments of peace. There is always something to clean, something to cook, something to buy, or love, or fix... I find very little time to be still. There is great power in stillness. As a child, I had a poster with a girl in a field of pale flowers, it said, "Stand still and consider the wonderous works of God." The key is to stand STILL. The white noise of the dryer is the ideal time for me to be STILL and consider... Consider the future, consider the past, consider, or rather remember, how it feels to be a little girl chasing white butterflies in a field of alfalfa. With the sun on my face and not a care in the world, I lived. I was that little girl living that beautiful moment; loving the stillness of the plants and the quiet of the butterflies. Never once considering that one day, my beautiful moment would be a dryer, late at night, alone in the dark.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

I have several reoccurring dreams. I have a dream about a shopping mall right off the freeway. I could tell you what every store sells, where each shop is in the mall. What the Christmas decorations look like compared to the spring decorations. I have been dreaming about this particular mall for probably 2 years. I have variations of the dream of course, such as a driving dream that takes me to the mall in traffic. A while ago, I had a dream about running up the hill to the mall through the field. The field was snow covered and muddy and I was being chased. I have dreamed about being turned away for a movie there, at the theatre that is located in the middle of the lowest level. A long time ago I had a friend with an interesting theory of dreams. She asked me if I was the hero or the victim. Hero or Victim? When you distill it down to only those two options, I would have to say that I am the Victim. The victim being chased, the victim who can't drive, the victim that can't find clothes that fit-even in my dreams. I hope it is not a reflection on the way I live my life. I am a take-charge person; maybe I just think I am, maybe I aspire to be, or remember myself being in a life lived long ago. For now, in my dreams I have the comfort of familiarity even if that comes with being the victim.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Expertise is earned; through teaching and trial and error. People think that just because they have a camera they are a photographer. Just because they have a pencil and a piece of paper they are an artist. Just because they have a collection of recipes and pots they are a chef. People think a lot of themselves. I think it is all part of the front people put on-all part of the story we tell ourselves and others to make us feel better. The line in the sand between an expert and someone who can read and/or follow directions is humility. I think that true artists and chefs and photographers know that there are many things about their craft that they don't know. The more we learn, the more we learn there is more to learn. I personally used to be an Interior Designer. I have a B.S. Degree and a 5+ year career history. (Not bad in that I am only 30!) I have been out of the game raising my daughter and now I see how much I need to learn to get back into the game. I am aware that, in my field of expertise, everyone can DIY. DIY doesn't take into consideration the person, the long-term livability of a space-doesn't take into consideration the principals of design that make great Interior Design pop. DIY, in all fields, gives people a false sense of accomplishment. Without training and experience all we have is 'first time lucky.'

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Robins are still here. They usually fly somewhere warmer for the winter, but this year they stayed. I wonder if they know something we don't. The other day Kristin and I watched them fly around and flutter from branch to naked branch playing as they do. One stopped, perched itself and stared at us. He seemed to be as fascinated with us as we were of him. What does the Robin think??? I could no sooner guess that, then guess what strangers in the store are thinking. I never really know with people; I wonder if they stare at me and laugh on the inside, or feel sorry for me, or look up to me. I wonder how much of what I see in other people is just a front. I wonder if people are just as scared and insecure as I am, but are better at camouflaging it. I have learned to not take people at face value, but sometimes, when I peel away the layers, they are less likable. What then?? I don't think the Robin was putting on a face. I think he was genuinely curious about the strangers behind the glass. I wish I could feel the same honesty from the strangers in my world.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Today is the kind of day that my proverbial lotto winnings would be taking me to someplace warm. It doesn't need to be exotic, but sun would definitely be involved. When I was in college, I spent many a weekend in St. George escaping from the bitter cold and mounds of snow in Cedar City. That is the kind of escape I am wanting now. Sunshine, shopping, good food, a little relaxation. There is something about the sun shinning that makes everything seem alright. Feeling the sun on my back as I garden outside is God touching me and telling me I'm okay. The absence of sun does nothing more than spiral me into my own personal darkness. Today I wonder if indeed there is light at the end of the tunnel. I wonder if my decision to quit working was right. I wonder if any decision I ever made was right... I want to find the warmth in life. Neither light nor dark, but warm and welcoming. There are days when I am okay, when the sun shines and all is right in my world, but I don't know how to hang onto them. I don't know how to capture the warmth and make it last. Lotto winning and a margarita sound like good bet though!

Friday, January 15, 2010

I have had a job for about 5 months after not having a job for 3+ years. It has been good. I have a simple job with great people to work with and nice students who keep me wondering about the future of society. I will be quitting my job in the next couple of weeks. I am so looking forward to life with my daughter. Playgroup and swimming lessons and craft time at home. Before I got a job, all I wanted was to go back to work. I felt as though I was missing something in my life. Before I had my daughter, my whole sense of self centered around my career and lacking a career, I felt I was nothing. Motherhood, especially in the hard first 2 years, was not fulfilling to me. It was a series of fumblings and failings sprinkled with the occasional light moment. It was the hardest, physically and emotionally, 2 years of my life. It is time I cherish, but do not wish to re-live. I don't know if it is because my daughter is older or if it is because I am, but I want to be a mother now. I want to see her explore the world. I want to help her develop a great sense of self that is not based on what she does, rather, who she is. I am keenly aware that I must continue to develop me, and not base me on her. Mother is not all I am. It is not all I do, it just is just one strand of the dandelion seed head that I call my life.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I speak in movie lines. I get on these kicks where almost all I say, was said in a movie. I say lines from movies I don't even like. I have the visual in my head of the movie, while I say the line. These are strange times where pop culture and TV/Movies have crept into my psyche. Fahrenheit 451 comes to mind. After most of the books are burned, book-keepers emerge. The book-keepers can show the way to a new world order based on the classics. Memorization of beautiful books to pass on the essence of humanity to a new generation. I used to want to be the keeper of the Tao of Pooh. I don't know what book I would be the keeper of now... I wonder if we would recite books by the fire or if we have been reduced to reciting Movies by the fire. Maybe we will have a keeper of modern classics like Princess Bride and Young Frankenstein and What about BOB? Aren't these all rhetoric on current-ish history??? Aren't these, in some way, the essence of our society that we will pass on to our children? For now, I just enjoy watching movies.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

For almost 4 months now, I have felt okay with my life. This is a new record for me. (A sad, pathetic record, but still the longest I've ever gone being mostly 'up') That said, I am waiting for the bottom to drop out. I am waiting for some catastrophe to hit that will propel me back to my comfort zone in the bottomless pit of despair. Looking at the world without tear-filled eyes is much clearer, much more calm and beautiful. It is so sad for me to look back on my life and see all of my mistakes, to see all of the opportunities I have wasted. I have very clear memories of sadness. Sadness overcomes me even when I should be just the opposite.I remember my wedding day. Sitting in front of the mirror with perfect hair and perfect make-up, feeling more beautiful than I ever thought I could...wanting to run away. I kept thinking of ways to get out of the mess that I started. I wanted to get in the car and drive away-drive until the car ran out of gas and pretend this never happened. I could feel the storm coming and I walked into it. My mother even asked me if I wanted to go through with it...I said yes. I lied. 15 months later when I was divorced I wish I could have just ran away.I remember rocking my 4 day-old baby and sobbing, trying to apologize to her for making her born 'broken.' She had a heart defect that she later grew out of, but the guilt of having a 'perfect baby' be born 'not perfect' was almost unbearable to me. I felt as though I had done something wrong and my poor child was going to have to live with my mistake.For the first time-since I left for college at 17, I am truly hopeful for the future. I want to take the opportunities, I want to embrace the light and not the sadness. I want to learn the permanent changes to make in my life so that I can achieve greatness, so that I can live happily ever after.

Monday, January 11, 2010

I do alot of sitting. I sit at work. I sit at home in the evening in front of the TV. On weekends, I sit for two days straight, except for the weekly Walmart trip. I get very stir crazy just sitting all the time. I feel like such a useless person when I sit. The problem with sitting, is that once I'm firmly planted I have trouble getting motivated enough to get up and do something. All weekend, I should be doing laundry, deep cleaning my house, mending clothes, organizing junk drawers...anything to keep busy, but I just sit. I watch crap TV and eat whatever is in the house. By the time the weekend is over I am depressed and have gained two pounds. Then, during the week, I have to work extra hard to get caught up on all the stuff I didn't get done on the weekend. I know this is my pattern...I watch it play out week after long week and I am powerless to change it.I think that here in rural Utah, there are not many places to go locally in the winter. I don't want to go outside when it is 14 degrees. There are few indoor 'activity' venues. I can only walk around K-mart and Walmart so many times. There are No arcades here, No malls, No art museums, No factories to take tours of, No bowling alley's (okay, so there is a bowling alley here, straight from 1965) No indoor rock climbing gyms, No kids play land, No Movie theatre where you can see more than 2 movies in a day, No new restaurants to try out, No BINGO. The benefits of a small town far out weigh the negatives, but when it is cold outside and I feel trapped inside I wish I had picked a different place to live.

Friday, January 8, 2010

My father is my favorite photographer, ever. He finds a way to put feelings into pictures. He can take a snapshot of something like, a tree, and make me wonder how something so beautiful can exist in such a hard world. Not all photographers can capture the essence of world. My father can distill the essence and make it tangible.

'Tis the season for making New Year's Resolutions. I usually make them. I even keep one or two a year for 4-6 months. I have always been very goal oriented and so far in life, it has worked pretty well for me. This year I struggled to make resolutions. I honestly couldn't come up with anything. I should make the normal ones of loose weight, eat better, take care of everything, be perfect... I am just not in that frame of mind this year. So, I decided to just be. I have no goals, nothing that I HAVE to do. I have no where to go and no one to disappoint. There is a freedom in being goal-less. Suddenly there is no reason to be disappointed in myself. I understand now how people can just BE. I understand that there is a lot of freedom in just BE-ing. I am okay in my current existence. I may even be on my way to actually living, 'BE HERE NOW!' not just talking about it.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Everything comes in its own time, so they say. In my life there is a time window. There is a certain period of time to accomplish any given task. Last night, I missed the window of time to go to sleep. I stayed up late talking to my husband and watching crappy DVR instead of laying my head down and sleeping. Once the window was passed, I was up all night. I took a shower at 3am hoping that it would relax me enough to sneak in 2 or 3 hours of sleep before the alarm-it didn't help, the window was closed.So it is with all things in my life. The problem with the time window is that I don't recognize that it is closing until it is too late. By the time I get it, I've missed it. There is a certain amount of poetry in this life accompanied by irony and regret.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I smiled today. I smiled for no other reason but sheer contentment with life. This doesn't happen to me much. I was overcome with...peace. For one brief second everything was alright-I was alright. This may be the first time in years that I felt such a feeling. I spent years alone, very painfully alone. The emptiness inside is a feeling I am acquainted with. The pit of despair that overtakes every aspect of life, that overtakes the very will to live-this is a feeling I am accustomed to-not joy, certainly not true contentment. When I realized I was smiling, I was shocked, embarrassed even. Suddenly...I get it. I get the 'high' that people search for. I want that feeling back. I want that feeling all the time. I want to live as many years with joy as I did in despair. I want my daughter to only know joy. I want to become a 'doe-eyed optimist.' I want to feel peace and security forever. I want this more than any lotto prize, more than any other thing. I know it doesn't work that way. If I struggle...I learn. If I learn...I grow. If I grow...I gain perspective. The cycle of life continues. But for one fleeting moment-I smiled!

I have a job with lots of spare time and not much to do sitting in front of a computer. I am now a Master at the Art of Time Suckage. It turns out that I have read about everything online. I know current events. I have caught up on celebrity gossip. I started to blog. I am active on Facebook. I have watched all the episodes I missed of Fringe and Hoarders. I am now a functioning member of e-society. With that goal accomplished, I have moved onto tutorials of CAD 2009 and Photoshop. Even those don't maintain my interest for more than an hour or so at a time. I have reached my computer literacy breaking point. The next step is...digital scrapbooking. This, for me, is a new low. If you digitally scrapbook I apologize for my callousness, these are new waters for me.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Dr. Pepper has been a friend of mine since high school. I have spent more time thinking about Dr. Pepper and more money buying Dr. Pepper than any other one thing in life, hands down. I have built relationships on the fact that we both drank Dr. Pepper. I know all of the best places to get my fix and which places not to get it. I will drive across town for the good stuff-with a screaming kid in the car. I will boycott food establishments because they do not carry Dr. Pepper or its lacking cousin Mr. Pibb. I will spend my last dollar on a fix instead of food-every time. (I know I have a 'problem' I just don't care!) Dr. Pepper Throwback is in stores now. It is made with sugar instead of the corn syrup stuff. It is the best thing-maybe ever!!! I am in love once more, life can continue!