living with cancer

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Back to my old self

I’m feeling both nervous and excited. By all accounts this man has made countless women very happy. I’m hoping he’ll do the same for me.

No, this isn’t George the doctor from the other day who made my healthy heart flutter. The person in question is the hospital’s wig-man. It’s time for him to sort me out.

I need to choose my NHS wig. I can only do this at hospital. Today I’ve got more breath tests plus the usual pre-chemo stuff.

My hair has been slowing thinning rather than falling out thick and fast. Sadly the bald patches are getting bigger. My comb-over is getting higher.

It’s incredible that my hair has lasted this long but I reckon that soon I’ll have to shave my head.

I want to get my wig while I’m still feeling kinda okay. Due to the relentless build-up of the toxic drugs I’m worried that in the next few weeks I’ll feel so horrendous I won’t want to get out of bed most days.

My wigs have been locked in a hospital cupboard just waiting for me. I picked out a selection from a catalogue a few weeks ago. I now have to fit them on and decide which one I want. They all look pretty much like my hair used to.

There weren’t many that I liked. It seems that the world of wigs is stuck firmly in the 1980s. If you want to look like Princess Diana then you’re in luck. I’m hoping that my wig will be more Duchess of Cambridge.

The hair may be taking a while to come out but the chemo really must be working its magic as my eyelashes and eyebrows are disappearing. I can disguise these with make-up. The loss of head hair is harder to hide.

I still have Barbarella, the blond bombshell of a wig, on stand-by so why do I need an NHS one?

As I start to feel more and more tired, my confidence is quietly ebbing away. I’m not really sure that I could pull off the Barbarella look every day. In the past it would be no problem. I’m quite outgoing, well I was. Since being diagnosed with cancer I don’t always have the energy to be the person I used to be.

It’s ironic that it’s going to be easier to wear a wig that makes me look how I used to even if I don’t always feel like my old self. But the chemo won’t last forever. In a few months, I may be bald but hopefully I’ll be feeling a lot more like I want to be Barbarella.

Not outgoing? I think you’re wrong there….you’re sharing all this stuff online and it’s amazing to read and so helpful, whether we’re friends, cancer patients, friends or family of cancer patients or just plain curious-about-life! So give yourself a break Helen, of course you are exhausted and not quite Barbarella right now. This doesn’t mean you’ll never be.
Enjoy your date and I’m sure you’ll pick the best wig for if/when you need it. Take it easy and keep baking when you have the energy

Thanks so much Christine. Yes maybe I’m being a little bit hard on myself. I’m looking forward to looking more like me later :) While I wait for my next appointment I have an important decision to make….carrot cake or chocolate muffin!

hmm cake is a personal thing and it’s a tough call sometimes choosing what’s best – I never used to understand muffins as I’d only tried the horrible mass produced ones. Hand-baked from a nice baker or friend or your own sweet hand is just way better. Carrot cake is always good – kind of healthy but not too worthy, especially if the icing is generous. I think you probably went for the muffin but whichever you chose, I’m sure it was good :)

Hey sweetpea. I have very intermittent wifi at the moment so just picked this post up. I am just 36 years old. I finished 8 cycles of chemo on March 9th this year. Had a double mastectomy with reconstruction in April this year. Right now I am sitting in a bar, in Koh Samui, Thailand, drinking my second beer, watching on as my 17 year old son plays pool with a Thai ladyboy (who has better legs than me, but a much flatter chest, thanks to my marvellous breast cancer surgeon!!) I am wearing my wig this evening. And it’s this that I want to share with you…. I too was shown an array of 1980’s bad perm, short styles… Even though I kept shoving pictures of myself with Kate Middleton hair under the wig womans nose and trying to explain I didn’t want to go blonde, god dammit!! I eventually, after several appointments, even paying a visit to her 1970’s style salon, managed to find my Kate Middleton wig. It’s by Natural Image and is a lace front (I never had a fringe and didn’t fancy one now, thanks very much!) and it’s called ‘Glaze’ I have ‘chocolate copper’ colour because that what my hair colour was pre-chemo. As much as this wig woman wanted me to go a few shades lighter, so as to accommodate the pasty colouring we tend to adopt when we are on the receiving end of chemo, I insisted I would keep my dark shade of hair and by Jove, if I couldn’t sunbed while this shite was going on, I would st, tropaz!! And so I did. Fake tan, fake eyebrows, fake lashes, fake hair, fake nails (until they fell off courtesy of chemo too) and now fake t*ts too!! Yes, I am only a footballer away from being a WAG but everyone said I looked great all through chemo and that made me feel better. Call it shallow? Maybe it is. But looking in the mirror and seeing my normal self looking back at me, made me feel better.

And only 4 months after feelin like absolute death after chemo, my eyebrows are back. My eyelashes are almost back to normal length. My nails are recovering. I have a fabulous tan. I have been travelling Thailand with my son for 3 weeks. My hair has grown into a Posh Spice pixie crop, that by day, on the beach, everyone assumes I’ve chosen to have (by night the ‘Kate’ wig comes out to play!) I didn’t think for one moment, 4 months ago, I would ever feel so well.

You’ve kicked cancer in the arse twice now beautiful girl. And by New Year, this crap will all be a distant memory and you’ll be feeling how I do now. Because we’re ninja girls and bigger and better than any crap the little ‘c’ chooses to throw our way!!

Massive hugs and lots of love to you ninja lady. Look up the wig on google and try and get a fitting with one, if you truly want a Kate ‘do :-)

Thanks Liz! I just wish someone had told me how well they felt so soon after chemo, instead of all the negativity. I’m a ‘glass half full’ kinda girl and if I can help just one person see light at the end of the tunnel, then all my cancer & chemo experiences have been worth it :-) xx

Wow Anouska, this has to be one of my favourite ever comments!!! It sounds like you’re having an amazing time. I still have three more chemo sessions to go and it sometimes feels hard to think about life after all this. When it’s all over I really want to feel well again, have a lovely holiday as well as my hair back. It feels like a bit of a dream at the moment but you’ve made it seem very real. I can’t wait to pack my Kate do and fly off to my post chemo beach bar!

Shallow? Oh not at all. All that fake-ness is very impressive you WAG nija. I have to admit I did tell my wig-man that I wanted something that was more WAG and less Princess Di. Lets see what he comes up with. I still don’t have my wig yet, my date was a no-wig-show. Hopefully I’ll get to choose my wig tomorrow. I love your wig, to be honest it looks so much better on you than it does on the internet. You did well – it’s very Kate! I’ve just realised that some of the wigs I’ve picked out are from the same range – yay!