This morning I lay in bed battling the resentments. I made coffee and called the Katonah small claims court and had the forms faxed over to start my proceedings against him. Quite without knowing why I called Joan and she told me that she had heard from him and he was hurt. So, my heart melted and I threw away the forms. By doing so I kinda threw in the towel. Threw away the resentment and let him go.

I really don’t want to hurt him. I really don’t.

I sent him a short letter and that was that.

All I wanted from the very beginning was to let him go like a mouse that you find in the house. You don’t worry what happens to the mouse..you hope it survives but it’s really up to the mouse.

It’s going to take time to stop thinking about him. I’m realistic about it.

So I wrote this:

Jake,

Listen. I know I have hurt you. I know that you will probably never forgive me.

I am not going to try getting the money. I want you to enjoy the friends I introduced you to and I hope that you can profit from those contacts from which you were meant to profit.

I hope you will one day understand why I couldn’t continue with our friendship. That I really loved you.

I am truly sorry for everything. For my part in this disaster.

I don’t know if I can stop writing about this on my blog. I will try.

Of course I want you to be happy, to find love. You will, as I have said a million times, make someone a wonderful husband.

The reason that I am writing this is because you told Joan how hurt you were and I hate that. In the abstract you can be hurt badly but in reality I don’t want you to suffer any more than you already are.

The fantasy and the reality of Jake.

You will be pleased to hear that during my last CNN appearance all I could see on the other side of the camera was your face.

It ruined it. I’m not doing that again.

I hope you understand better now why i decided why we can’t be friends or have contact.

You reacted so badly to my thoughtful note. I wasn’t trying to be cruel but I just don’t want half measures in my life.

So, now I have dropped a bomb on you in my blog and I don’t know how to make it right. You can find solace in the fact that you are weekly in the top ten most read blogs subjects on my page.

Remember, in the words of The Bard:

“love is not love that alters when alteration finds nor bends to the remover to remove”

1 CommentComments are closed.

I just want to say this and then, I’ll do my best to let it go as well. My first response — when I read that you decided not to file the small claims suit because you were told that he was hurt — was Grrrrr. Why does forgiving him for hurting you include eating a debt that was owed you? That he agreed to? How is that fair? But then I remembered the tweet about Grace (RT @Lotay Grace. RT @DShepherds: Forgiven me when I didn’t deserve it. RT @Lotay: What is the kindness thing anyone has ever done for you? ) and I got that as you have been given Grace, as you’ve said many times, that you’ve decided to extend it to him and close the door on that chapter in the saga of your life with a peaceful heart. I just hope that he appreciates the gift that he’s gotten and that he doesn’t do any further damage in his association with your friends since if he is an addict as you’ve said, he is living in denial and blithely dismissive of consequences. If something gets broken, like a petulant child who blames the toy and not his carelessness, he just moves on and doesn’t look back.

Your anger protects you, Duncan. It is one of the most shamed emotions in this culture but it is a warning that someone or something has violated your boundaries. I realize that Anthony goes overboard, but what you said here were your honest feelings. You were hurt and you have as much right to your feelings as the right you so generously give to him. You’ve been magnanimous and if he can’t cowboy up and return the gesture, well… you can’t drive forward when you’re looking in your rear view mirror. And as you said, you’ve trimmed your sails and you’re heading for the horizon.

I still say that love, real Love — not obsession, not lust, not a folie a deux — was not what was going on here. Because although you were striving for authenticity, he never really was. He only paid lip service to the concept. And how can you really know and love someone if you’re drinking and drugging when you’re with them? Him. Or when you’re with someone who’s drinking and drugging, learn and love their authentic self? You. This was a dress rehearsal. Your opening night, the meeting of soulmates, has yet to happen. I know that it will. You will find the eye of the storm in your mad head and you’ll be able to stay there in the calm and peace and your soulmate will be there before you know it.

Blessings,

Amanda

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