Penn Satire, Since 1899

Friday Special: Why Freshmen Don't Need Blackberries

by Kelly Ann Dolor

This week, Kelly Ann Dolor vents against Blackberries, which she feels can easily be replaced with cans linked together by string. Don’t even get her started on iPhones.

In an effort to pretend they have a purpose in life, I’ve noticed that many of my peers have a blackberry attached to their hands. Whether it’s the Pearl, Curve, or an older model (upgrade you peasant) don’t we have enough accessories with our “don’t-look-at-me-just-kidding-please-comment-on-my-$350…sunglasses.”

(EVEN THOUGH I HAVE ONE…) REASONS WHY YOU DON’T NEED A BLACKBERRY, FRESHMEN!

1. Push-email won’t save your long distance relationship… Fellas, your angelic Miffy will still be on all fours at the frat houses on her campus and Ladies, Chip will still be plowing through every slightly conscious thing at his. Don’t let those bi-hourly “just-thinking-of-you” emails fool you.2. You don’t have any REAL work… Let’s be honest you have four classes 2 of which are probably busy work freshmen and writing seminars3. You don’t have any friends…You have maximum of 10 people you actually hang out with here. I’m going to say 8 of them are from NSO…and by now you should have realized how much you hate these starter friends but you know you can’t eat alone at Commons, so you keep them around. With that said, you don’t need a Blackberry to manage this dismal amount of contacts. I know what you’re thinking: “Hey maybe this annoyingly wide and obtrusive phone will make me look like I have friends and then when I try to sneak into Smoke’s I can get turned away…IN A GROUP.” Sad to say you are wrong again. Yes, you’ll still get turned away but you will still be alone because a blackberry won’t make you any less socially awkward.4. You’re insignificant… Many of you have yet to strip yourselves of that undeserved sense of self-importance. I’ll do it for you. Organizing which Frat parties you’ll pass out at or when you’ll make you’re next illustrious WAWA run doesn’t warrant a Blackberry. Once/if you get a real job then maybe you can justify having that phone. That way you can whore yourselves out for large corporations much like you did for your a capella auditions

P.S. I wrote this while playing Brick Breaker…on my Pearl. God I hate myself.