The Chica Lishis List Of Ways To Make Going To A Club A More Pleasant Experience For Us AllBy: ChicaLishisIn response to the thousands of emails and letters that came into IMWT Headquarters after the publication of my first two columns, with questions such as "Hey Chic, what do you think about world peace?", and "Hey Chic, how can we help feed the starving children on the planet?", I have come up with The Chica Lishis List Of Ways To Make Going To A Club A More Pleasant Experience For Us All. I think you'll find that, while it doesn't address any of your global concerns, it will certainly save you future embarrassment in your life as a shallow, beer-drinking, sex-cruising, self-centered human being. (Y'all weren't fooling me with those queries of conscience.)

The Chica Lishis List Of Ways To Make Going To A Club A More Pleasant Experience For Us All

My poor dears! In my extensive research into the world of the seedy and intoxicated, I am forced to witness time and time again, bar etiquette blunders that make me wonder just how far up your asses y'all have stuck your bits of pickled brains. Granted, alcohol supposedly does blur the senses (if you buy into all that government propaganda), but that's no reason to act a fool. Sidekick Krissy and I put our heads together and came up with The Chica Lishis List Of Ways To Make Going To A Club A More Pleasant Experience For Us All. Afterwards we got into a pillow fight in our lingerie. Oh, that Krissy is naughty!

#10 Tip Your Bartender Well. Very, Very Well.Think of the bartender as your, uh-- mother/father figure for the evening. Mummy and Daddy are pleasant people, and, for the most part, do not wish to see you sad and upset and not get your way. This also holds true for the nice person who is providing you with alcohol. By tipping your surrogate parental figure wisely, you'll ensure that they remember your face in a crowded room, get your drink quicker, fill it up higher, and cut you off later than someone who's been stiffing 'em all night 'cause they got an Oedipus complex.

#9 Never Give Out CigarettesNothing is more annoying than non-smokers who only smoke when they drink. Cigarettes are like gold on the outside of the Big House these days. When the request is made to bum a cigarette, point out the cigarette machine in the club and tell them to go buy their own. When they respond "But I only want one" in that whiny, hacking-cough-free voice, tell them, "Great! Go buy a pack, smoke one and give me the rest."

#8 The Bass Player In The Band Is NOT Checking You Out. He's stoned.While this has never happened to me, I have witnessed unfortunate encounters between star-crossed audience members and fucked up musicians, resulting in humiliation of a most public nature when the guy stumbles around stupidly and then pukes on the chick's shoes.

#7 Don't Holler Your Drink Order At The Bartender Or Wait StaffPeople! This never works! Unless, of course, what you really meant to scream was "Make mine a double loogie, please."

#6 Check The Bottom Of Your Shoes Before Exiting The BathroomBar potties are always a mess, and that seemingly innocuous strip of toilet paper stuck to the floor is actually a pawn of Satan, waiting to disgrace its next victim with its "Catch, No-Release!" intentions. Oh, and check the top of your head too, iff'n 'ya bent over to vomit in the toilet. TP can be a humiliating coif. In fact, just do a quick inventory for loose zippers, skirts held hostage in panties, and false lashes that may have mysteriously attached themselves to your eyebrow before exiting the toilet.

#5 Don't Puke Outside The Bar's Front Window And Then Expect To Get ServedIf they see you they will no longer serve you. The bartender will not be impressed with the words "Well-- now I can drink more!"

#4 In Case Of A Brawl -- Pick Up Your DrinkTurns out, the bar will not replace, for free, any liquids that were sent crashing to the floor in the event of a scuffle. It's a damn shame.

#3 Do Not Put Your Candy-Assed Self In The Middle Of A Mosh Pit And Stand ThereAngry young men are angry. It's what we like about them. They're explosive, they're fiery, 'ya just never know what those crazy punks will do next! So what's up with the blond bimbos popping themselves into the middle of a mosh pit, filled with these delightful young heathens, and then complaining when they get hit? Got a tip for 'ya Barbie, nobody cares that your ex-boyfriend went to school with the cousin of one of the band members. You wanna fuck him? Give a stagehand a blowjob like everybody else. Otherwise, get the hell out of the way of the rest of us who are having fun. And another thing, the bands would rather see a bunch of kids diggin' their shit into a frenzy than a group of dorks who stand and stare.

#2 Be Wary Of Patrons Without A Good Strong Drink In Their HandsAnyone drinking a Coke is not "taking it easy tonight". He is an alcoholic and is probably on probation.

#1 There Is Always At Least One Man At A Bar Who Will Still Go Home With Some Woman Who Just Puked In The Corner.Try not to be either party, okay?

Seeing Blue Meanies in your sleep? Keep it to yourself. But if 'ya wanna extol upon my ever-so-abundant virtues, feel free at ChicaLishis@inmusicwetrust.com.