FREMONT, NE—Noting the constant stream of questions and blatant suggestions directed solely at his sibling, area man Josh Koppel, 32, reported Friday that his mother was much more insistent about getting grandkids from his brother than from him.

BOZEMAN, MT—Assuring reporters they could maintain the man’s elevated levels of stress and get his mind racing uncontrollably, three cups of coffee stated Thursday morning they were confident they could take local resident Ryan Hubbard’s anxiety from here.

‘I Can Mail It To You If You’re Still Using It,’ Says Mom

RACINE, WI—Concerned that you might be upset if she were to get rid of it without permission, your mother reportedly called Wednesday to ask if she could throw away your three-ring binder from middle school.

SEATTLE—Fearing the process was rapidly accelerating to the point at which it could no longer be contained, area man Brian Talbott reportedly looked on helplessly Tuesday as variants of his nickname evolved and multiplied at breakneck speed.

SAN DIEGO—Carefully examining the bill for any fragment of conclusive evidence, a local dinner party at Mitch’s Seafood restaurant conducted a full-scale investigation Tuesday night to determine if the tip was included in the check.

ARDMORE, PA—Expressing frustration at how she continues to remain silent and passively go along with whatever they say, the parents of Olivia Edison, 10, told reporters Wednesday they wish their weak-willed daughter would push back even just a little against the violin lessons they make her take.

SCITUATE, RI—Finding no one waiting to greet him upon entering the restaurant Monday afternoon, local man Adam Peretti reportedly planned to continue slowly drifting toward the middle of Sidney’s Bistro until a host redirected him to a seat.

BENTONVILLE, AR—Telling reporters they were having difficulty keeping track of all the new pastimes he was pursuing, friends of local man Mark Chapineau stated Tuesday that the recent divorcé was burning through hobbies at an unsustainable rate.

WILMINGTON, NC—Aggressively exploiting the short windows of time she spent with the high school junior, local mom Ally Brullard has been really gunning to befriend her babysitter during their weekly three-minute interactions, family sources reported this past Saturday.

NEW ORLEANS—Jolting awake in a panicked daze, local man Bill Rolinger reportedly breathed a sigh of relief early Monday morning after realizing that the nightmare he had just experienced was only a reflection of his real-life problems.

SEATTLE—Saying the small act of defiance helped to brighten her otherwise dejected mood these days, local woman Becca Curran told reporters Friday that stealing tampons from her office’s bathroom was currently her only source of joy.

PHILADELPHIA—Calling himself a “staunch supporter” of issues ranging from equal pay to reproductive rights, area man Brian MacKinnon told reporters Monday he considers himself an ally to women unless they threaten his personal status in any way whatsoever.

DES PLAINES, IL—Assuring him that she’d be at his side in a jiffy, local nurse Wendy Kaufman reminded an elderly resident at the Briarwood Assisted Living Community that she was just down the hall if he started to die, sources reported Tuesday.

COLUMBUS, OH—Emphasizing that such an impressive feat should not be taken for granted, local man Nathan Montgomery told reporters Wednesday he was incredibly grateful to live in a society where a mattress just disappears if it’s left outside on the sidewalk for a couple days.

NEW HAVEN, CT—Saying they were proud to showcase the work done by their writers, executives at the New Haven Register told reporters Thursday they sometimes like to set aside a little ad space to promote the newspaper’s own articles.

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

AUSTIN, TX—Anxiously wondering what kind of impression he was leaving on university admissions officials, wealthy father Gordon Fring was said to be waiting restlessly for responses this week after mailing donations to his son’s top college choices.

CALABASAS, CA—Astounded that it had never come up at any point in the six years they had known each other, local woman Lucy Reed, 25, reported Tuesday that her friend Nicole Silberthau had apparently been going by her middle name this whole fucking time.

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

MISSOULA, MT—Describing how he suddenly found himself overwhelmed by a flood of intense emotions, local man Mike Bentzen told reporters Monday the reality of fatherhood didn’t truly set in for him until the moment he held his newborn son’s hospital bill.

BROOKLINE, MA—Without so much as glancing at the seasonal store’s wide selection of other Halloween-themed merchandise, all-business 34-year-old Brian Aubin reportedly strode right past several aisles of costumes and accessories Friday and beelined it straight for the Pinhead masks.

Young Olympic Hopeful Realizes Dream of Killing Father

ATLANTA—U.S. Olympic gymnast Dominique Miller, 15, considered a favorite to bring home the gold in Atlanta, achieved her lifelong dream yesterday, killing her father/coach with a 12-gauge shotgun.

“I can’t believe I’ve actually done it,” said an exuberant, beaming Miller, holding several giant bouquets of flowers given to her by fans. “This is really a lifelong dream come true—it’s the greatest high a young athlete could ever experience.”

Miller, who had been training with her father, Karl Miller, for the Olympics since age three, realized the longtime dream shortly after finishing second in yesterday’s Olympic qualifying round, shooting him in the chest before hundreds of onlookers.

Miller said she had a good feeling about the shot as soon as it left the shotgun. “I had his heart squarely lined up in the gun sight, and I got a real clean pull on the trigger,” she said. “The moment that blast went off and the gun kicked back, I knew I’d landed it perfect.”

One gymnastics judge who happened to witness the event also gave Miller high marks. “Dominique’s form was perfect—the bullet entered the body cleanly and stuck squarely in the middle of the chest cavity, right between the heart and the sternum,” said judge Marcy Conners of Canada. “That’s right where you want it.”

Added Conners: “I would give this murder a 10.”

For Miller, the slaying represented the culmination of years of hard work. “I’ve been practicing this routine for years,” Miller said. “Every morning at 6, I’d get up early and do an exact run-through, hiding the gun under my bed, sneaking it over to the arena under my coat, and pulling it out from under the table in the trainer’s room.”

Miller almost realized her dream at the ‘92 Barcelona Olympics, but a last-minute trigger-finger injury dashed her hopes. “I sprained it pretty bad the morning I was going to do it,” Miller said. “It was devastating—I thought I’d never be able to come back; I thought I’d be too old to try again in ’96. But I did it.”

Miller was arrested soon after yesterday’s slaying, charged with second-degree homicide. If found guilty, she could face 30 years in federal prison.

“I’m so excited, I’m not even thinking about prison right now,” said a detained but triumphant Miller, raising her handcuffed hands and waving to fans. “Right now I just want to enjoy this moment, enjoy what I’ve achieved. Maybe tomorrow I’ll think about the homicide charges, but right now, this is a time for celebration.”

When asked by one reporter what she will do next, now that she has killed her father, the gymnast replied: “I’m going to the Andrew B. Stevens Federal Courthouse Building!”

In addition to receiving letters from thousands of fans, Miller has received congratulatory messages from such celebrities as Brooke Shields, Macaulay Culkin and tennis stars Jennifer Capriati and Mary Pierce.

“Congratulations, Dominique!” read a note from Capriati. “I’m so proud of you for what you’ve accomplished. It’s something I’ve always dreamed of doing but never got the courage to do. You’re a real champion. P.S.—Will you kill my dad for me?”

Funeral services for Karl Miller are 3 p.m. today at First Presbyterian Church in Atlanta. Second-round Olympic gymnastics events are scheduled for 4 p.m.