In a surprise move three days before the end of the 2015 Vuelta a Espana, organizers of the three-week grand tour announced major changes to the historic event. According to Sancho Panza de Huevos Grandes, spokesman for the Vuelta, “In 2016 we’re shortening the race to one day.”

At a hastily called press conference journalists sought explanations for the radical change. “Well,” said de Huevos Grandes, “it’s the most boring sporting event on earth. Curling looks lively in comparison. It’s like having a three-week root canal with no anesthetic, and frankly we just couldn’t stand it anymore.”

In the past the Vuelta has experimented with moving its calendar date, but de Huevos Grandes emphatically denied any further attempts to reschedule the grueling race. “You can put lipstick on a pig, but when you fuck it, you’re still fucking a pig. And that’s illegal in every U.S. state except Arkansas and Texas.”

When asked if the decision was being made for financial reasons, de Huevos Grandes groaned. “Of course it’s for financial reasons. You think we’d shorten it if we were making money? Fact is that bike racing is super boring, and stage racing is a super boring subset of an already boring sport, and the Vuelta is the most boring of the super boring grand tours. It’s like having to watch a 65-plus masters racer trying to set an hour record for three fuggin’ weeks. After five minutes you want to hang your brain on a nail.”

De Huevos Grandes explained that the new format for the Vuelta would be much simpler. “A 60-minute crit,” he said. “Throw up some porta potties, throw out some cash primes, start at noon and be home in time for dinner.”

Billy Bunny, a reporter and noted notary public from Velosnooze, asked de Huevos Grandes about attendance, television rights, and whether or not he thought that the Pro Tour would turn out in force for such an event.

“Who cares?” was de Huevos Grandes’s reply.

END

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I’m recently becoming on the cycling fan. With usual German thoroughness I have learned with excellence how to understand the Tour of France and the Giro of Italy. Before I learn to follow the Vuelta, however, could you explain to me what it is?

Curiously,
Neu Gierig

Dear Neu:

It is the largest bicycle race in the world that no one cares about.

Mit Wahrheit,
Wankmeister

Dear Wankmeister:

Sorry to bother you again, but if it’s such a big race, why doesn’t anyone care about it?

Still curious,
Neu Gierig

Dear Neu:

The main reason no one cares is that it’s a bike race, but there are other reasons too, like everyone using more illegal drugs at the Vuelta than the usual quota of illegal drugs at the other grand tours, and all the good riders quitting after a week or so in order to prep for worlds, and the same seven spectators who line the roads, and the fact that it’s in Spain, which most Americans confuse with Mexico and assume there’s a drug cartel on every corner waiting to kidnap them and sell their parts to be made into Al Contador’s beef.

Mehr Wahrheit,
Wankmeister

Dear Wankmeister:

Wow, you sure are an asshole! The Vuelta is the most exciting of all the grand tours! Spain is a friggin’ beautiful country. Great wine and food and perfect weather and bitches. Eff you, Cap’n d-bag! Also, Horner rocks time a million!

Fanboyishly,
Fanny Boy

Dear Fanny:

“The most exciting of all the grand tours” still translates into “as exciting as watching someone diagram sentences.”

Gramatically,
Wankmeister

Dear Wankmeister:

How would you compare the hardest climbs of the Vuelta, like the Angliru, with something like the Stelvio or the Alpe?

Comparatively,
Freddy Fredstone

Dear Freddy:

The main difference is that unlike the Alpe or the Stelvio, no one cares about the Angliru, and not just because it’s hard to pronounce. They don’t care because it’s part of the Vuelta. You could line the Angliru with porn stars and beer kegs and people still wouldn’t care. Wait a minute … I think we’re on to something.