Thursday, November 29, 2007

Another early morning. Another restless night. They seem to be coming with a greater and greater frequency. I can feel my self in the daze. I take walks at night to try and clear my head, but I find myself looking up at the sky getting lost in the stars, wishing I knew where my feet were supposed to go next.

This is more than just a problem with my education, but that seems to be where a lot of my confusion festers. I don’t feel a connection to my education. I don’t feel a desire to do well, rather, I want to want to do well. I wish I cared, I wish I felt more upset when I failed a test, or a class. Sometimes the only reason I stay in school is so girls won’t think me a total loser, my parents won’t be embarrassed to update their friends on my life, and employers won’t tell me to seek jobs in something more suitable, like dishwashing, or sweeping up the shit that other, greater people leave behind just so the less fortunate like myself will still have a job.

I just feel so lost right now… maybe if I take a deep enough breath, I will make it to the surface.

Monday, November 26, 2007

I'm at a loss as to what to do. I know she's worth waiting for, not like I'm turning down offers left and right. First I think of the last person that I waited for, she was even telling me to wait... and that ended with me feeling shittier than I ever thought I could feel. Should I really focus or get hung up on the negative things in my life? I feel like I've been rejected enough times in my life that I can handle the rejection. It's that other part, being with someone that I don't have much practice at. I don't mean in the bedroom area, I just mean actually being with someone. Some of my friends I always look at as being in relationships and all that stuff, and I want that. Then again, this is not something I want to rush, blah, whatever. I saw this movie "Enchanted" tonight. It was pretty good, it was certainly fun to watch. At the end however I just felt this emptiness, I know that's so EMO, but that's the best way to describe it, or maybe a feeling of longing. Oh well, someday, we'll see what happens. Either something happens or it doesn't, no worries, but the wait will be worth it either way. Who am I kidding.... ;liahg;oihawg;oisad;knoiuihoa, my brain is such a mess right now. Whatever.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

BAAAAHHHHH! So I'm at Rotten Tomatoes, looking at the reviews for this weeks opening flicks. I was a fan of the "Hitman" videogame, so I've been very interested in the very soon to be released "Hitman" movie. No big surprise, it's getting shitty reviews. I never hold out much hope for the videogame to movie thing. One review though, written by a guy named Tim "Ultra Douche" Ryan from Variety has sent my calm inclusion of everyone's opinions into a tailspin. Here's what Cunt Bag had to say: "A Eurotrashy vidgame knockoff that misses its target by a mile. Numbingly unthrilling as it lurches from one violent encounter to another, the pic's dark roots in an electronic, non-dramatic medium are plain to see." At first glance, it's just a review, but look closer, one line in particular: "the pic's dark roots in an electronic, non-dramatic medium are plain to see." Fuck you mother ass monkey. Videogames are a non-dramatic medium? I think there are a couple million fans crying at the end of Final Fantasy 7 that might beg to differ with your archaic, dusty, unfounded, dinosaur of a jack ass opinion. I don't feel like going into details about why you're the king of the douches, but you're a douche bag, and I hope you realize that you suck monkey nuts.... balls ass beeeotch.

Monday, November 19, 2007

So I'm in my art class right now. I'm working on a perspective project. Last Wednesday, the prof said it was going to be due in one week, next Monday. Today she said it was due Wednesday. I raised my hand to correct her, she called on me, I reminded her. She looked around the room after my reminder and asked for others to confirm my claims. No one said a damn thing, except for this one stupid kid that I do not like. He pointed out that he would have no problem finishing it by this Wednesday (douche). Anyways, even if I had been lying about the new due date, which I wasn't, people should have been throwing their hands in the air supporting me. Bah! I throw these opportunities into peoples laps, and they don't take it. I simply do not understand.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

This is a character sketch called "Orange and White Socks." I wrote it based on a character I made up after I saw a girl in Washington D.C. drinking a Pepsi after she brushed her teeth.

"Orange and White Socks"The girl in the purple cardigan drinks her Pepsi. The carbonation courses between her teeth. It's late, the caffeine will play games with her dreams. Her hair clumps together from the grease and the sweat; she hopes no one notices. She laughs at a joke, forcing herself into the adjacent conversation. She looks happy as the people accept her into the discussion, but inside she cries. She cries because she knows they won't wait for her. She cries because in the morning they will forget who she is. She cries because she tries but knows she's really just alone.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

These are questions that I got off one of my friends blogs. The context was... I don't remember the context under which they were being asked, but they just seemed like great questions, so I'm going to answer them here.

The Questions:[01] What's the best and worst thing that's happened to you so far in your life?[02] If the world ended tomorrow, do you think you'd be ready for it?[03] Name someone you love, and tell me why you love them?[04] What's the worst thing you've ever done to someone?[05] Do you trust me?

The Answers:1a. The best thing that has ever happened to me are my friends. Their insights however similar or different than my own have been the brightest light and the biggest inspiration in my life.1b. The worst thing thing that has ever happened to me is my anxiety. It has crippled me in situations where others would simply pass it by as just another situation to deal with. Anxiety has made the smallest mounds into the biggest mountains. Once you conquer one mountain there would be three more just as big and just as ominous.

2. If the world ended tomorrow, I would accept it, but no, I would not be ready. I've often considered acceptance of the inevitable and being ready as one and the same without really thinking about it. The end of the world is so ultimately final that one would have no choice but to accept it. To be ready however, is an entirely different story.

3. I love my father. I love him because I know without any doubt in my mind that he wants nothing good for me and would do everything in his power to help me if I needed it. Those are two very "surface" reasons why I love my Dad. Some loves though move beyond words and descriptions, so I really don't feel like I could justice to the feelings I have for either of my parents, family, or friends for that matter. There is a girl, of course, but whether or not what I'm feeling is love or not remains to be seen, I could still be blinded by the light as they say.

4. The worst thing I've ever done to someone was to ignore them when they just needed someone to listen.

5. Whoever you may be, I feel compelled to trust everyone, no matter how many times I made a fool. Whether or not this is a good attitude to have I'm still not sure, in fact I'm leaning towards not good, but oh well.

Friday, November 9, 2007

These are strange days indeed. My confusion about the ladies grows everyday I try to not see them. For one my lady friends, for the most part I've once again buried my feelings for her because they will only get in the way and confuse things, as they usually do. I am still concerned about her, because she's a very good friend of mine, and although I'm too scared or to nervous to take any progressive steps in my life, when it comes to the lives of my friends I'm not afraid to step in and stand up... but I can't say I see it ever getting to that point with this situation. She's a tough cookie. In other lady related news, there's a girl... I like her a lot, and I can't figure out if it's just a friendly liking, or if it's something else. I sort of just met her... sort of. Anyways, I need to watch my footing though, I tend to walk faster than I should, then my head tends to fly over my heals. Who knows how I really feel, well I guess I should... but I'm not sure I do. Why is this such a constant thing for me? There are plenty of single people out there that don't concern themselves with relationships in the least. Aren't there? Well anyways, with this girl it seems like a lot of guys would like her, so in the grand scheme of things where do I really rank? But wait, I'm supposed to be confident, because if there's one thing I've heard from the ladies is that they like guys that are confident. At the same time they like guys who are themselves... a conundrum to say the least. Maybe the trick won't be "being myself" but rather being comfortable with who I am, which would outline the construction of confidence. Maybe the ladies aren't so crazy. But I don't want to force anything. When I like a girl I tend to edit myself way to much and stumble over words and all that... I just need to, ya know, relax. I think if I just take her off my radar of possibilities I will have an easier time just relaxing. I love how I talk about this like anything could ever happen. Damnit, there I go being all whatever again. Ugh, I've said it a million times before and it still means a lot. Relationships are just a big hootinany of shenanigans.