Michael Phelps Is A Traitor!

It is being reported today that American Olympic swimming hero Michael Phelps, winner of 8 gold medals at the 2008 Summer Olympics, is dating a Canadian. While competing at the Canada Cup recently, Phelps was seen holding hands with Ashley Firestone, who is undoubtedly Canadian intelligence and looking to flip Phelps. Even worse, it is believed that the couple has been together for at least the past two years, while Phelps was making us believe that he was dating quality, wholesome American beauty queens and Las Vegas bar staff.
According to the Daily Mail:

‘Their relationship started a little over two years ago when they met staying at the same hotel in South Beach over New Years,’ the insider said.
‘Ashley [Who has a boy’s name – Ed.] has always been concerned with showing Michael that she would keep their relationship on the down-low and private first and foremost.’
‘She stayed with Michael at Hotel Auberge Universel for the whole weekend and even got VIP tickets to his race for her and her friends’

Phelps was recently linked to a few other women – American women – including Miss California USA 2009 Carrie Prejean, who caused a stir with her opposition to gay marriage a few years back, but more recently her successor, Miss California USA 2010 Nicole Johnson. While I can’t fault Phelps for doing the damn thing, to borrow a Doritos-stained phrase from Jason Whitlock, I must warn that if Canada continues to use its women as weapons against our most prominent athletes, we will have no choice but to send Antonio Cromartie and Travis Henry after them.
In the meantime, here’s a brief look back at Phelps’ past conquests. I recommend you listen to Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You” for best results.