Human beings hate fun. That’s pretty obvious. There’s absolutely no place on this earth where fun takes precedence over toil and sadness and self deprivation. A lot of that has to do with the fact that life is hard and it sucks and in order for us to have things like pants and vibrators and corn, somebody has to bust their ass to make sure it gets produced and so we, as people that want to make sure that the vibrators keep getting produced, have to compensate the vibrator-monger properly and so we need to do things so we can have means to compensate him and next thing you know, boom! We’re living in a society and we have money and jobs and everyone is fucking bummed because Hey! Didn’t we just start this so we could all have dildos? Now I’m spending all day in this fucking fry station at this Burger King and I don’t have hardly any time to play with my asshole anymore! Life sucks.

And that’s part of it. Life is just hard. It’s funny to say that because life for us is immensely easier than it’s ever been for anyone in the history of the world, but that doesn’t make it easy. The smallest dick in the interracial gangbang movie is still a huge dick, to paraphrase Mark Twain, and the easiest life in history is still fraught with injustice and bullshit on an epic scale that dare not be observed for fear of fully recognizing the agonizing dickpunch-soup that we, as sentient beings, are eternally mired in.

So it seems that since we’re all here in the same boat, and we all generally like the same things (to a point) that we’d be cool with the notion of each other having fun, you know, just to while away the time between the dual stretches of eternal blackness that bookend our shitty, tiny, futile little lives. But alas, that’s not the way it is at all. The most obvious culprit here is fucking. People just don’t like the way you fuck, man. It’s their business, they MAKE it their business to make sure that your shenanigans aren’t any better than theirs, and if they suspect that you’re having more fun than them, well, then you’re disgusting, you’re depraved. They will literally shame you and make laws to make sure that you can’t experience your fun.

I liken this to the way people treat food. People look at fat folks sitting around a table dipping their meat lovers pizzas in ranch dressing and call them disgusting, but they’re just going for it, man. Lighten up. It’s not your problem that they’re fat. Your problems are that A) you don’t like fat people B) You’re too hung up on how you look to really let shit roar and C) You can’t STAND that these fuckers can just sit there and eat whatever they want and feel fine with it, that they aren’t consumed by the guilt that you’re consumed by (to be clear, I’m not suggesting that YOU want pizza dipped in ranch [though that shit is GOOOOD], only that you recognize in the pizza/ranch eating fatties the wanton abandon that comes with doing exactly what your id craves and since you don’t have the balls to get YOUR version of dressing slathered pizza [whatever that is for you, maybe a cheeseburger on a donut bun or sixteen scoops of icecream] rather than confront your own guilt/prudeness [which, let’s be honest, provides an important ‘survive and thrive’ function in your psyche] you choose to look at those people without your hangups as depraved beasts).

This can’t be more clear than in the world of homophobia. The most vocal homophobes are, without fail, deeply closeted cock enthusiasts who just don’t have the balls to come out and go for what they want. The notion that other people could be SO MUCH BRAVER than them makes them feel so ashamed that they lash out at those brave men out there, giving anonymous blowjobs in bathroom stalls, and call them depraved beasts and vote through legislation that would aim to make the very act of them sucking each other off illegal. That’s fucking INSANE. How in the world does one guy’s dick in another guy’s mouth do ANYTHING but stoke out the two guys in question. On what plane of existence is that a relevant act to anyone else anywhere, ever? Only a plane where someone wants with the passionate fire of instinct based need to suck a dick themselves, but for convoluted reasons of self loathing and fear and confusion, find themselves unable. That’s where Fred Phelps and Michelle Bachman’s husband (marcus…btw, if you google ‘michelle Bachmann g’ google completes it with ‘gay husband’ which is pretty rad) and Larry Craig and Ted Haggard and your shitty uncle get all their hate.

But it’s the same for slutty chicks or asshole men. Everyone hates the fun they’re having and shames ‘em for it. The truth, folks, is that we’re wired to crave sex on the level of sleep and shitting (we’ve been down this road before) and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with anyone banging anyone else who’s down to get banged. To make this totally uncomfortable, I’d say that on paper, I should have no problem with my wife getting railed by a random roomful of dudes if the mood strikes her, provided of course that they use protection, but of course, I don’t really love the idea of that at all. In fact, it bums me out to even consider. But why? I love my wife. If she wants to fuck a room of strangers, why would I want to deny her that experience? It seems that I should actively pursue making sure that she’s happy. It can only work out in everyone’s best interest, right?

Well, no. Because I’m a human being too, and just like the rest of you dicks, I hate fun too. This starts at an early age. When my baby girl starts playing with too many toys or drinking too much milk, my son hits the fucking roof and starts punching her and shaming her. He’s 3. He didn’t learn that from me or his mom or anyone. He’s a human being wired to get super fucking pissed the second someone else decides ‘fuck it! I’m gonna have more fun than the rest of these assholes’ and he responds accordingly.

Eh, I dunno…I guess if my wife REALLY wanted to bang a room of strange dongs I’d be okay with it, but I wouldn’t want to be there. I’d probably rather be in my own room of strange dongs, er….chicks! Women! Tits! People with pussies! Uh…shit. Er….What?