It was the night before the big match - and
Beckham was having a night out at a Manchester Casino!

Feeling thirsty, but knowing Fergie wouldn't want
him swigging beer, he went to a soft drinks machine and put some
coins in. Sure enough, out popped a can of Coke. Excitedly, he put
some more coins in and out popped a Fanta. Now delirious, he kept
stuffing coins into the machine as the drinks came crashing out of
the other end. Suddenly, a man came up behind him and said "Excuse me
- but could I use this machine?"

"Sod off!" Beckham replied, "Can't you see I'm
winning!"

David Batty and David Beckham collide in a Leeds v
Man U 'derby' game, the tragic and somewhat unexpected consequence
being that they both die and go to heaven. Having strolled through
the Pearly Gates, God shows David Beckham to his new heavenly abode -
as the latter sees this huge mansion draped with hundreds of Leeds
scarves and banners. Clearly cheesed off, Beckham asks, "Why do I get
such a small place when David Batty's house is so huge?"

God replies, "That's not Batty's house! It's
mine!"

Beckham and Posh Spice are in the back of a taxi
after a days shopping in London. The taxi driver asks, "Been anywhere
nice today, mate?"

Beckham replies, "Uh, I can't really remember.
What's the name of that underground station?"

It's late Sunday afternoon and Beckham is on the
phone to Fergie: "Boss, I need your help!"

Fergie replies, worriedly,"What's up,
David?"

"Well Boss, Posh is out shopping and I'm helping
Brooklyn do a jigsaw puzzle. But all the pieces look the same. It's
doing me head in, Boss!"

Fergie tries to calm him down, "Look David,
there'll be a picture on the box to help you. That's what the
finished puzzle should look like."

"Yeah I know, Boss. Theres a bloody big picture of
a Tiger on the box but all the pieces just look the same.I just can't
do it, Boss! It's doing me head in!" He pauses,"You couldn't come
round and give us a hand, could you?"

Fergie can hardly believe it but replies, "If it's
the only way I can get some peace, I'll be there in five
minutes!"

The manager arrives and goes into the kitchen to
find Beckham close to tears. "I told you boss! It's doing me head in.
I've got the box and there's this sodding great picture of a tiger
but how am I supposed to make it look like that? All the pieces just
look the same don't they?"

Fergie shakes his head,"David, put the Frosties
back in the box!"

Q: Why did Beckham get so excited when he finished
his jigsaw, even though it had taken him six months!

A: It said 2-4 years on the lid!

Beckham walks into his local pub.

'A pint of your usual, David?' the Landlord
exclaims.

Beckham replies, 'No! Just a half, then I'm off!'

Chelsea are playing Manchester United at Stamford
Bridge. The game is only ten minutes old when Weah fouls Stam and
gets booked. Weah is complaining loudly to the referee when Beckham
races up to the Chelsea striker, puts his index finger to his lips
and goes "Schhhhhhhhh," and runs away giggling.

Fifteen minutes later, Yorke scores for United
after a dreadful mix up between Leboeuf and Desailly. Weah sprints
back from the half way line and has a real go at them. Once again,
Beckham runs up to Weah, puts his index finger to his lips again and
goes "Schhhhhhhhh," and runs away.

At half time, Keane approaches Beckham and asks
what all the fuss is about. Beckham puts his hand over Keane's ear
and whispers. Keane looks at Beckham in disbelief and says, " No you
thick pillock! I said he was a LIBERIAN!"

Beckham is being interviewed at a post match press
session and he says, "Well you can get white ones and green ones and
orange ones!" After the interview Ferguson asks his favourite son to
come over and have a quiet chat. He explains, "Next time, David, try
not to get so confused: they were asking you to explain TACTICS not
TIC-TACS!

In a post match interview, asked about whether he
is 'volatile' on the pitch, Beckham replies, "You could say that as I
can play on the right or in the centre!"

Q: Why doesn't David Beckham eat pickles?

A: 'Cos he can't get his head in the jar!

MAN UNITED
'FANS'

Q: What do you call a United fan in
Manchester?

A: Lost!

Q: What has Old Trafford and Wormwood Scrubs at
4:45pm got in common?

A: They’re both full of cockneys trying to get
out.

Q: What do you do if you come across a Man Utd fan
having a drink of water?

A: Slam the toilet seat on his head!

A London van driver used to cheer himself up by
running over every Manchester United fan he would see, strutting
along the pavements of the Capital in their ubiquitous red
colours.

He would swerve to hit them, there would be a loud
'THUMP', then he would swerve back onto the road.

One day, as he was driving along, he saw a Priest
hitchhiking. Being a kindly soul (other than his afore-mentioned
little habit!) he thought he would do his good turn for the day - and
so pulled the van over.

He asked the Priest, 'Where are you heading,
Father?'

'I'm going to Mass at St. Joseph's Church,'
replied the Priest, 'about two miles down the road.'

'No problem Father. I'll give you a lift. Climb
in!'

The happy Priest climbed into the passenger seat
and the van continued down the road. Suddenly, however, the driver
saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively,
without a moment's thought, swerved to hit him. Just in the nick of
time, though, he remembered the Priest, so at the last minute he
swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the supporter.

Bizarrely, however, even though he was certain he
had missed his original target, he still heard that familiar loud
'THUD!' Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in
his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the Priest
and said, 'I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United
fan.'

Q: What do you have when 100 Man Utd fans are
buried up to their neck in sand?

A: Not enough sand!

Q: What do Man Utd fans use for birth
control?

A: Their personalities.

Q: Why do people take an instant dislike to Man
Utd fans?

A: It saves time!

Three football fans enjoying a few pints in their
local, when one of them sees a twenty pound note in the fish tank.
The landlord tells them that anyone who gets it out, before the
piranha eats their hand, gets to keep it.

The Scouser, a Liverpool supporter, puts his hand
in and, as quick as a flash, the piranha bites off two of his
fingers. The second, a Tottenham fan, waits until the fish looks the
other way and then puts his hand in. A split second later, he pulls
it out with the whole of his left hand missing. Finally, the Man
United fan puts his hand in and shouts out in triumph: a twenty pond
note clutched proudly in his hand.

The landlord, stunned, asks how he managed to
perform such an amazing feat. The Man United fan shows him his right
hand where tattooed across his knuckles is "MUFC 1999 Champions of
Europe!" The landlord says, "Ah...I understand now! Not even a bloody
piranha would swallow that amount of bullshit!"

Q: Why are Man Utd fans like laxatives?

A: Because they irritate the crap out of
you!

Q: How many Man Utd fans does it take to change a
lightbulb?

A: Just one! He holds the bulb and expects the
world to revolve around him!

Q: How do you confuse a Man Utd fan?

A: Show him a map of Manchester!

Q: What have the moon and Old Trafford got in
common?

A: They both have no atmosphere.........and no
Mancunians have ever been there!

Q: Why don't Man Utd fans stand up at Old
Trafford?

A: Well you would after that long car journey from
Croydon?

Q: What do you call a Man Utd fan with half a
brain?

A: Gifted!

THE
TEAM

Q: Did you hear the Post Office just recalled
their latest issue of Manchester United stamps?

A: Yes: customers couldn't figure out which side
to spit on!

Q: What's the difference between Phil Neville and
a box of Sellotape?

A: One's a Glueless Kit....

Alex Ferguson is getting increasingly frustrated
and annoyed at Leeds' ability to attract top youngsters. He is even
more annoyed that they won't move to Old Trafford. So, always one for
a cunning plan, he decides to disguise himself and set off for Leeds'
training complex to find out what the secret of their success
was.

However, no soon does he walk through the gates
when he is spotted by Brian Kidd.

Kidd, seeing through the disguise in an instant,
asks, "What's up Alex? What are you doing here?"

Ferguson says, "I won't lie! I think you're doing
a great job Brian, but how are you managing to find and keep players
like the boy McPhail?"

Brian looks at Ferguson for a minute and then
says, "Well at Leeds we are trying to produce intelligent
footballers. Bright players like Stephen McPhail thrive on it and can
make decisions and solve problems on the pitch. I set him mental
exercises all the time to keep him sharp. He loves it!"

Ferguson says "How do you mean exactly,
Brian?"

Kidd explains. "I'll show you....Stephen, come
here a minute. [McPhail trots over.] "I've got a problem for you -
Your father's son is not your brother. Who is it?"

Ferguson goes back to Manchester lost in thought.
He decides he needs to implement this. On the training pitch he
yells, "Beckham! Come here a minute! I've got a problem for you!"
[Beckham trots up, looking apprehensive.]

Q: How many members of the Man Utd team does it
take to change a lightbulb?

A: Seven: one to change it, five to moan about it
and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place
the light bulb would have never gone out!

Q: What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and
a jet engine?

A: A jet engine eventually stops whining.

Andy Cole is ill - so Alex Ferguson, being the
kind and considerate soul we all know him to be,offers to go shopping
for him. While in the supermarket, he bumps into Harry Redknapp, the
West Ham manager.