Read Me! Please!: Book Titles Rewritten to Get More Clicks

As Upworthy-style headlines sweep the internet, aiming to snag as many clicks as possible by pandering to as many whims and obsessions as possible, the dignified mystery of the great book title stands in stark contrast. The Upworthy headline had been widely satirized on other websites and social media, including some folks applying them to book titles, so my Millions colleague Nick Moran and I were inspired to muse as well — what if books were whorishly titled, optimizing our search engines rather than our imaginations, rather than leaving us to discover who Oliver Twist was or who was proud and who was prejudiced?

Leave your own optimized book titles in the comments or on twitter with the hashtag #litworthy.

You’d Probably Turn Into A Cockroach And Die Too If You Had This Family
It Was A Great Year For John Hughes Movies. Also, Really Awesome For Controlling Everything You Say And Think.
A Pig And A Spider Get In Cahoots. You’ve Probably Already Heard What Happens Next.
The Government Tossed Her Into An Arena To Die. Then They Forgot To Take Her Wits And Arrows. Woops.

Eastern European nobleman seeks to expand his livelihood into England. Madness, death, shorthand, crucifixes and garlic are all at stake in a story that will suck your blood dry.

Bob Finnat 4:02 pm on January 24, 2014

“22 Catches and How to Avoid Them”

Kurt Carlsonat 4:03 pm on January 24, 2014

Crazy old lady died yesterday. You won’t BELIEVE what the cops found in her bedroom! #itsadeadguy

Bob Finnat 4:09 pm on January 24, 2014

“Teen Tennis Pros Go Wild!” (Infinite Jest by David Foster Wallace)

David Ropeikat 4:59 pm on January 24, 2014

A lot of people kill each other for a while, then they don’t.

Bladeat 10:11 pm on January 24, 2014

Destitute Lass Asked Out by Dreamy Hunk Just Home from the War. Doesn’t Have a Thing to Wear.

And then…

She Sees it in the Window.

Andrew Petersenat 11:00 pm on January 24, 2014

Some of these are the most hilarious interpritations of book titles I’ve ever seen, though with a few in comments sections I wish there was a list of original titles, as the quotes are hilarious, but I have no idea to what book they belong. I would love to see either a followup article or a new one with more of these titles from the staff, and I had to do a double take on Moby Dick to make sure there wasn’t a pun in the form of litteraly, not literary. Thanks for the laughs, they made my day.

dorothyat 11:56 pm on January 24, 2014

This guy sleeps with a prostitute, desecrates a mummy, blinds himself, and dies in a ditch. It’s the most inspirational story in years.

Actually, Catcher in the Rye should really be: “He Paid for a Prostitute But the Pimp Punched Him Anyway #whataphony.”

Hannelore Deanat 8:59 pm on January 26, 2014

Strangers lured this boy from home while his parents slept, and he went willingly. Would your child do any better?

The Polar Express
Chris Van Allsburg

Konekoat 1:37 pm on January 27, 2014

How this man atoned for a lifetime because of a minor theft will break your heart

(Les Miserables)

Tricksterat 7:42 pm on January 27, 2014

This nice family up North had a peaceful life, but everything changed when the King came to visit; also a lot of sex and murder. Find out who are mystery boy’s real parents… just kidding, it’s still not revealed.

pedicabat 9:14 am on January 28, 2014

“An admirer send his beloved a dirty note. You’ll never believe what he’s accused of when her little sister intercedes!”

“My Dead Dad Told Me To Kill My Uncle/New Dad But I Accidentally Killed My Ex-Girlfriend’s Dad Instead And Now I’ll Never Get To Rule Denmark So I Might As Well Let Norway Take Over And Let Everybody Die But My Kinda-Gay Best Friend”

Hershl Hartmanat 5:44 pm on June 7, 2014

How the universe began and all the stuff that happened later, by an author whom you’d better not question.

RItaat 1:53 pm on June 26, 2014

Even a child can see how racist Alabama is in the 1930’s

Alison Barkerat 3:08 am on July 13, 2014

Watch what happens when a snarky, drug addicted detective meets a very unammused doctor.

Ribaat 9:13 pm on July 19, 2014

A man is confused, then kills another man, then he’s still confused.

A fully grown man decides to lock himself with a child in a factory full of illegal immigrants and no one finds it weird.

What makes these apes go wild, turn killers, then wind up, many years later, after being locked out in the dark, go zooming through a freaky light show and wind up in a classy hotel room with an old guy for no apparent reason. #Maybe the big baby knows.

(2001: A Space Odyssey)

Allisonat 10:03 am on November 19, 2014

A girl hides from her siblings in a closet…you’ll never believe what she found behind the fur coats! (C.S. Lewis, Chronicles of Narnia)

Jesus Christat 5:26 pm on November 23, 2014

And then Jesus came upon his disciples and said, “Brethren, I’ve heard it said among you that I am the Son of God and was sent to die for your sins.

Brethren, may I asketh, who among you is the lunatic who came up with this Neanderthal bullshit!!!???

Blood sacrifice!!!!???? Brethren, have you completely lost your fucking minds!!!!????

Surely I say to you, I’d sooner lick Judas’ ass crack than subject myself to the Stone Age insanity of human sacrifice!!!

And the disciple whom Jesus loved the most said,

“Well, shit man!!!! What the hell are we supposed to do now!!!!????

Hey, is that fat bastard over there the Buddha!!?

Tell that some’ bitch I need to have a word with him!!!

—-The Holy Bible, if it was actually true

Willat 6:03 pm on November 24, 2014

“After disaster strikes, an apocryphal and wildly inaccurate guide book sends duo on a quest for universal truth.” – Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

“After being dropped in a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets, then teams up with three strangers to kill again” – The Wizard of Oz

“Innovative approach to population control proposed: Irish not amused” – A Modest Proposal

“Vindictive millionaire plots convoluted revenge after wrongful imprisonment, but does he go too far?” – The Count of Monte Cristo

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Janet Potter is a staff writer for The Millions. Janet is a freelance writer and semi-professional baker living in Chicago. Her writing has appeared in The Awl, The AV Club, the Chicago Reader, and Chicago Magazine. She is the co-host of YouTube's The Book Report and blogs about presidential biographies at At Times Dull. Follow her @sojanetpotter.