The Raiders wanted to take Carl Lewis because Al Davis loves fast guys who can’t catch. But in the end, the big arm of George combined with that ‘Raider attitude’ was too much for them pass up.

2. Detroit Lions

Joe Thomas

OT, Wisconsin

Hey wait, you say, Joe Thomas is actually a good player and not being a wide receiver he won’t be in the top 25 on the Lions’ Big Board!? Ah, but here’s where being an NFL insider pays off. Sources tell us that the Ford family have sought out the heaviest player on the Lions roster to sit on Matt Millen for the first couple rounds of the draft. 345 lbs. DT Shaun Rogers has won the honors.

3. Browns

A Logo for their Helmet

K, Michigan

After being faced with the prospect of another draft that would yield no real talent, Browns GM Phil Savage decided that what the team really needed was a Logo for their Helmet. “Let’s face it, our helmets don’t even make sense. We’re the Browns…but we wear orange. Michigan has cool helmets, why not draft them?” The helmet immediately blew out it’s ACL after signing the contract.

4. Buccaneers

Dr. Al Fine

Internal Surgery, NYU Medical Center

Thanks in part to the rising costs of workman’s compensation, Bucs GM Bruce Allen went the most fiscally responsible direction for his club. Splenectomies aren’t cheap, and Mike Alstott has to be categorized as a high risk for prostate problems.

5. Cardinals

Red Green

Head Coach Moose Lodge

Owner Bill Bidwell admitted that it was unusual to draft a head coach, but said, “Nothing we’ve tried yet has worked. It’s traumatic to have a coaching change and install new systems, but we figured that Red Green’s game plans wouldn’t be too different from Dennis Green’s strategies. If he is who we think he is, we might win SIX games this year. Plus, if it’s a bust, so what? We’ll just be right back in the top five next year!”

6. Redskins

Rich Uncle Pennybags

FS Rutgers.

Redskins owner Daniel Snyder had no doubts about his choice. “At 73, he’s a little older than we might like, but Penny has what us football minds call ‘game speed.’ That has to be worth a couple million in guarantees.” Snyder was also on record as saying that he expected RUP’s financial prowess to finally help the ‘Skins figure out “what the salary cap is and how it affects life in the NFL.” When pressed about his newly acquired ownership stake in Pennybag’s vast slums in Atlantic City, Snyder declined comment.

7. Vikings

Garrison Keillor

QB, Lake Woebegone U

Recent Viking teams had their share of character issues, so the Vikings went with a local boy who would be palpable to the hometown fans. “With his even faced, Lutheran demeanor, Keillor will keep our fans company on the long cold Minnesota nights. Their relationship will be a quiet unspoken one of mutual respect tempered with their deeply held beliefs of hard work and predetermination. Oh, one never knows when the gentle but dry of humor of the Minne…..zzzzzzzzzzzzzz”

8. Falcons

Cab Calloway

FB, Rochester (NY)

Atlanta GM Rich McKay sums up his team’s choice, “We have the best scat-back in the league in Warrick Dunn. The best scattin’ quarterback in Michael Vick. Cab was next logical evolution for our offense.”

9. Dolphins

Dan Marino

QB, CBS Pregame show

Realizing that their chances of making the playoffs again are nil with Cam “The coach so lame they named him twice” Cameron and Dante “I AM the 7th level of Hell” Culpepper, Wayne Huizenga decided that just yanking #13 out of retirement was the only way to restore his flagging franchise.

10. Texans

Jared Zabransky

QB, Boise State

Head Coach Gary Kubiak reasons that “Jared really impressed me in the Fiesta Bowl. The Statue of Liberty play? Are you kidding me? This season has 9-7 written all over it. Matt Schaub seems great and all, but something about Zabransky says Jake Plummer on ‘roids to me.”

11. 49ers

Their Former Glory

QB, Notre Dame

Having been faced with an exodus of all time greats in the last 15 years, the 49ers chose to stop resting on their laurels and begin to field a team again. GM Terry Donahue said, “After years of working closely with Hall of Famer Bill Walsh, I know that you need to draft players who fit your system. Our Former Glory is a West Coast QB with an innate sense of how to win. He has good scrambling ability, an average arm, and tremendous football sense. As long as we draft another half dozen Hall of Famers to play around him, he’ll go down in history as the Greatest of All Time.”

12. Bills

Sanjaya

WR, Washington St.

Said Head Coach Dick Jauron, “I find his brand of family friendly teenie pop refreshing. Also – Yum.”

13. Panthers

Two Lesbian Cheerleaders

RG, OSU

Recognizing that the last time anyone really cared about the Panthers was after the cheerleader scandal a couple of years back, Coach John Fox realized that the Panthers need to raise their profile if they hope to attract free agents. “What says, ‘competitive franchise’ more than skanky girls making out in the bathroom of a bar? This was an easy pick!” said Fox.

14. Rams

Sam Gunderson

DE, Tulsa

Head Coach Scott Linehan explains that he is, “trying to model the team after our emotional leader Marc Bulger. If Gunderson shows us half the raw desire that Marc provides, 2007 is going to be exciting times for St Louis.” When asked his approach to the game Gunderson added, “Football is a lot like hauling grain into a barn. The more grain you haul, the bigger the pile gets.”

15. Steelers

A Motorcycle Helmet

LT, UNLV

Steelers GM Kevin Colbert knows that protecting Ben Roethlisberger is a must if the Steelers are to return to form in 2007. “Ben is a smart young man and an integral part of team. He’s too much of a dumbsh** to wear a helmet to save his life, so we are going to draft one and sew it to his head. This way, we are sure to have a QB who can post a passer rating in the 40s in big games for years to come.

16. Packers

Lactose Intolerance

S, UW-Appleton

Head Coach Mike McCarthy explained to the media, “I hit upon this hidden gem while googling on wikipedia. Apparently, L.I. can onset at any time during the adult lifespan, especially in those with high-dairy diets. Brett has been in the dairy state for 20 years.” After pausing for heroic effect he continued, “In other words, I think I’ve found a way to save us.”

17. Jaguars

The Best Player Available Regardless of Position

RB, USC

Realizing that they were hopelessly adrift as a franchise the Jacksonville ownership hired Jaguars.com editor-in-chief Vic Ketchman to run their draft. Vic, a staunch proponent of taking The Best Player Available Regardless of Position, had wanted to trade down. Unfortunately, EVERYONE in the NFL wants to trade down, so Vic was faced with honoring his credo even though the Jags have 5 RBs on their current roster. “I guess I’m just stupid”, said GM Vic.

18. Bengals

McGruff

P, Ohio State

Asked to explain his decision to pursue professional football the Crime Dog explained, “My work at the National Crime Prevention Council was important to me, but I’m read to take a bite out of crime on a much larger scale.”

19. Titans

Ms. Pacman

SS, Atari U

Faced with the unenviable dilemma of taming Adam Jones or cutting him, the Titans decided to see if a good woman could calm their petulant CB down. Said Jones, “Let it rain!”

20. Giants

A real giant

LB, Montana State

Coach Tom Coughlin: “We were looking for size. I went with my gut and drafted a real giant. He’s 8 foot 5 and blood thirsty as hell. But don’t for one second think he intimidates me. He will refer to me as Coach or Sir Coach or I will go West Point on his ass.”

21. Broncos

No Player selected.

GM, Head Coach, Dali Lama Mike Shanahan decided that the best chance the Broncos have this season is to not field a team, but rather for him to personally challenge each opposing head coach to battle of wits to the death. “I am so much smarter than every coach out there, it seemed foolish to let players ruin my perfect strategies! I have scripted 15 perfect plays to start the game and will then adjust my game plan to match the tendencies of whatever mental midget is set before me!” Shanahan then walked off, cackling to himself.

22. Cowboys

Jack Bauer

QB, Long Beach State

Jerry Jones explains, “We have legitimate intel that there is a ticking time bomb somewhere in the Dallas Cowboy locker room, probably of an atomic nature. Jack’s our point man on this investigation. We’re not yet certain who is behind this terrorist plot, but we’ve narrowed it down to bumbling head coach Wade Phillips, slick handed place holder Tony Romo, or all world receiver Terrell Owens.” Jones also confirmed that Bauer has been instructed to incorporate a hang-glider into his inevitable kill shot, because “I’ve never seen him use one, and I think that would be pretty cool.”

23. Chiefs

Jason Whitlock

LG, Ball State

Recognizing that a two horse town like KC didn’t have any business with a national sports columnist, Coach Herm Edwards made the bold move of locking Jason Whitlock down through the draft. “Let’s face it, other than BBQ and the Royals, Whitlock is all we have that keeps us from becoming annexed by Kansas and permanently being swallowed up by the great and endless plains.” Arrowhead stadium will continue to sell out next year despite having a career backup QB being protected by an opinionated overweight newspaper columnist. Despite this, KC will still be listed among the toughest places to play in the NFL, unless it’s a playoff game.

24. Patriots (from Seattle)

Sammy the Seal,

WR, Southern Cal

The Pats were reported to have had strong interest in Ted Stromm, Phys. Ed. Teacher from Plymouth Central Junior High. “I thought Ted’s practical knowledge of human sexuality would have set a great example for Tom, but we passed on him when Tom promised to get ‘snipped.’ Sammy’s hands are a major upgrade for our receiving corps, and as an added bonus he’s a Trojan.”

25. Jets

Jan Brady

TE Westdale HS

Chemistry is important on a team, and the Jets needed someone with a massive inferiority complex. Quarterback Chad Pennington said, “I know Eli comes under fire, but at least they talk about him. All they say about me is that I can’t throw my way out of a paper bag. HEY! THE JETS MADE THE PLAYOFFS TOO! But it’s always GIANTS, GIANTS, GIAAAAAANTS!”

26. Eagles

Motivational Speaker Matt Foley

Guard, Riverside (CA)

According to Andy Reid “I thought we could get Matt as low as the third round, but with all the trouble Belichek’s kids have been giving him I could just see him taking him at #28 overall. Matt’s going to make this team a lot more physical, and hopefully scare my sons straight in the process. I only wish Matt had been around two seasons ago.”

27. Saints

A Wet Puppy

WR, Butler

As Hurricane Katrina fades from the memory of a national populace with no attention span, the Saints were faced with new ways of drumming up sympathy. Coach Jay Payton said, “We knew everyone would stop feeling sorry for us soon. We had to act. What’s sadder than a wet puppy?”

28. Patriots

Inanimate Carbon Rod

CB, Texas A & M

A classic “New England” guy. According to Pats’ honcho, Scott Paoli “In college Rod did all the little things without getting any of the credit. That’s a really good trait to have on this team. We’re looking for Hall of Fame caliber guys who are willing to play for peanuts, put their bodies and brains at risk for the team, and at the end of the day will be content sitting in the audience at Canton clapping for Tommy.”

29. Ravens

Mel Kiper Jr

Long Snapper, Essex Community College (Md)

Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome cited the Ravens many stalled offensive drives as the primary reason for reaching on Kiper. “Our punt unit just got better. A lot better.” When informed that he had been selected by the Ravens, Kiper responded, “The 29th pick? With Jemarcus Russell still on the board?”

30. Chargers

Cooper Manning

WR, Ole Miss

According to San Diego GM AJ Smith “We were already the most talented team in the league by a mile so I figured I’d use this pick to stick it to the Manning family. I can’t wait to personally cut Cooper in front of the whole team this summer.” Later when pressed about Manning’s chances to actually make the team Smith back-pedaled, “Yeah, I looked at our roster this morning. Did you know Keenan McCardell was still in the league? Talk about a mind-blower.”

31. Bears

Jordka

Every position, UNC

Sensing the chance to build a new dynasty, the Bears drafted the genetically engineered clone Jordka who was spawned from spliced DNA of Michael Jordan and Mike Ditka. It remains unclear how much Jordka is going to play this season, because contract negotiations have been difficult. Jordka wants ‘Space Jam’ money and the Bears are countering with a contract offer more along the lines of ‘Kicking and Screaming’

32. Colts

Mickey Weeble

LB, Appalachian State

Bill Polian explained the odd pick by declaring that “He ain’t real big, he ain’t real fast, but he comes cheap. Tackling ability? That’s what we have Bob Sanders for. We aren’t asking a lot out of him the first year, but the kid has guaranteed us he won’t fall down. That’s really all we can ask, and it bodes well for his chances to beat out Gilbert Gardner for a starting spot. My gut says he’ll be of Pro Bowl caliber in three or four years, just in time for his contract year.”