THOUGH JUST A DAY PAST ITS SELL-BY, IT DOES SMELL A BIT IFFY.

DAIM BAR

Things used to be so different, didn’t they? They used to make Lion bars with peanut butter in them; there was a chocolate bar called a ‘Fuse’ which was massively overrated and which is now non-existent; and, way back in the day, Snickers bars used to be called ‘Marathons’. And Daims? Well, they used to be called ‘Dimes’, didn’t they? The times truly are a’changin’. I blame the immigrants – coming over here, altering the names of our chocolate bars…

Anyway, Daim or Dime, it doesn’t really matter – you don’t eat a name. (I say that, but I bet you wouldn’t want to eat a chocolate bar called something like ‘Arse’.) And Daims are really great, aren’t they? Smooth and milky on the outside, brittle on the inside, kind of like the opposite of charred cow.

But the greatness of Daims, whilst an unassailable tenet in the world of Average Food, isn’t really the point of this article. The point of this article is the manner in which said Daims are consumed. Because we all have different ways of eating them, don’t we? Some simply chomp through them, as though they were a run-of-the-mill chocolate bar. But they’re not; they’re motherflippin’ Daims, and as such demand something a bit different. Thus, allow me to elucidate my technique. My hope is not so much that my readers will copy this technique – although I would be flattered were they to do so – my hope is rather that my wisdom will inspire others to seek within themselves their own unique telos for Daimular consumptionation.

Step one: buy a Daim (available in all good, and in some not so good, newsagents).

Step two: open Daim packet.

Step three: tip Daim sideways, so that its upper surface is roughly parallel with your teeth.

Step four: scrape off upper surface of Daim with your teeth, using the ridges on the chocolate for grip.

Step Five: consume rest of bar.

Some mavericks scrape off all of the chocolate before eating the brittle centre of the Daim. I personally would counsel against this, as it is my firm and solemn belief that the full majesty of the Daim’s centre is only realised in conjunction with at least some degree of chocolate. I would thus recommend consuming it in conjunction with the bottom surface of the Daim. For those who like a bit more chocolate, consume it with the sides too; for those who prefer less, the sides can be scraped off in the manner of Step Four above.

I hope these words serve as inspiration for future generations of Daim consumers. These are my words to you, and they didn’t cost you a Daim. Get it? A Daim! A Daim! hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahauahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha