Yes, that Natasha Kaplinski and Sian Williams are a couple of bulimic looking skanks aren't they?

Still perhaps it's the BBC doing a bit of the old 'Positive Discrimination' and employing people with obvious eating disorders.

Sian Williams has the shoulders of a sickly 9 nine year-old albino.

âBeware of the Snobâ

sign outside posh residenceâ¦(A picture of a snobby bastard is on the gate/in the window)

BEAR JOKE:

A Small expedition trek across a frozen Arctic landscape.

One of the group spots something in the distance.

He takes a look through his binoculars.

We see through the binocular POV a white bear in the snow. (Itâs someone in a bear suit!) The bear is talking to itselfâ¦

âIâm amphibious, all bears are. But IâM ambidextrous too I can catch fish with either or (manic laugh) Ha Ha Ha Haaaa.. I was the Best-In-Show 2003 âbear-in-the-air awardsâ a âHang-10â flying bear. I can see through solid rock and generate heat by thought alone. Iâm made of steel and wire wool.. I played bass and wrote all the hits for Shed 7â¦ I have healing handsâ¦Iâm the 1st born of the 1st sonâ¦ etc.

Binocular bloke turns to the others and says quietly

âTruly amazingâ¦ Itâs the first time Iâve ever seen one in the wild. Stupendous.â
â¦.

FYI. Symptoms of bipolar disorderâ¦
Bipolar disorder causes dramatic mood swings-from overly "high" and/or irritable to sad and hopeless, and then back again, often with periods of normal mood in between. Severe changes in energy and behaviour go along with these changes in mood. The periods of highs and lows are called episodes of mania and depression.)

âHello Is that âAccident Directâ?

Yes? Good. Iâd like to make a claim. Someone has INJURED MY PRIDE AND HURT MY FEELINGSâ..How much can I get? Hello? Helloâ¦

ARMY ADVERT JOKE:

Shot in the style of a military recruitment advert with loud music and hand-held âNight-Visionâ camerawork.

âCan you negotiate your way thru some of the worst inner city urban situations and still arrive at the allotted time and placeâ¦ ON TIME & IN ONE PIECE?â

âDo you know the Gross-National-Product of certain sub tropical countries?â
âAre you able to pick your way through the finer points & intricacies of international import law?â

âAre you able to think on-your-feet, and convert Metric to Imperial in the blink of an eye?â
âAndâ¦. Can you keep a cool head in a tense situation?â

(Going through Customs)

If you answered âYESâ to the above questions,

then maybe you should consider an exciting career as an International Drug Dealer-

Great rates & commission based earnings.

Phone 0800 696969 now for a brochure. Remember,
â¦.âA stranger is just someone who hasnât scored off you yetââ¦

Hoodie ned/chav types with camera-phone mobiles.
VIDEOGRAPHING THEIR âHappy-Slappingâ STUNTS..
âLook here comes one now. Get ready to âave âimââ¦
But. They are performing random acts of kindness. IE: helping old ladies across the road, holding the door open for someone. Letting someone go in front of them in the queue Soâ¦Eventually theyâre seen helping to fill in tax forms, polishing someoneâs shoes cleaning a car, washing windowsâ¦Plastering a wallâ¦painting the Forth Road Bridgeâ¦Cleaning out the inside of a fake leg (dry boaking as they do it)

*Extreme Sports Video* with the same idea as aboveâ¦they go out and sweep up broken glassâ¦clean up public/civic areasâ¦

BEWARE OF THE SNOB:
STRAIGHT DOWN THE LENS 1.

COFFEE
(Sweet music, a smug person sitting in a kitchen/designer flat, turns pretentiously to the camera and saysâ¦)
âYou must have been walking around with a bag over your head if youâve failed to notice the proliferation of coffee bars that have sprouted up the length and breadth of the British High Stâ¦
â¦Hoping to slake our thirst for the humble coffee beanâ¦ and I guess, hoping too that we imbibe some of that âcool coffee barâ ambience.
(The idyllic music is ripped off the turntables AND In a Churchilian bellow)
âNEVER!!â Do you think that a sip of espresso is going to turn you into a passionate European? Pontificating emotionally as you argue about philosophy & football?
Or turn you into a LOUD opinionated American demanding a refill gratis like they get in the states?
No. WEâRE UGLY NASTY REPRESSED BRITS. A LATTE ISNâT GOING TO CHANGE HUNDREDS OF YEARS OF THE PROTESTANT WORK ETHIC, CALIVINISM, CATHOLIC GUILT AND BAD GENETICS. â¦.
â¦..Britain is the home of traditional bad service provided by ugly nasty resentful people. I DO NOT WISH TO HAVE A NICE DAY WITH MY PANINI, I WANT A CUP OF UHT TEPID TEA WITH A LIMP HAM & CANCER SANDWICH AND I WANT TO WAIT FORTY-FIVE FUCKING MINUTES FOR IT!

The Emotional Security Guards.

They patrol a shopping mall.

They confront shoppers who are lingering and browsingâ¦But, The Emotional Security Guards go up to people and offer âThe Emotional Securityâ of âComfort Blanketsâ IE HUGGING THEMâ¦

Emotional Security Guard 1

âHello, we couldnât help but notice youâve been browsing the window of Burtonâs Menswear for about 10 minutes now. Are you familiar with the old saying that everyone has a song or a book in them?

Shopper:(timidly) âErâ¦Yesâ

ESG2 â

Hereâs a pen and some paper, why not give it a try! Go-on, Make a start on your song or book right now

ESG1 âItâs OK to cryâ

ESG2 â

Iâm not as verbal as Tim here, I prefer a more tactile approach (Hugs shopper & strokes his head all the while humming a comforting tune in his ear)

We go back to the Shopping Mall later and see the ESGâs trying to get shoppers to fall backwards into their arms in a âtrust exerciseâ

Street Soul Singer

Singing a mad jazz/scat thing. Hands are mimicking all the notes that the singer generally fails to hit.
âWhooaa glart clootâ..THANK YOU. No really thank youâ¦ That was my own improvised âsoundclashâ of âNice One Cyrilâ And âFirestarterââ¦. I donât actually get all the notes right. But I do the hand gestures. And thatâs all that matters really. Itâs all about feeling the musicâ¦Iâm going freestyleee on the lyrical contentâ¦whoooâ¦glart clart â¦glipâ¦
(Does the hand gestures whilst making a damned awful din!)
âThank You. Yeah, that was

BEWARE OF THE SNOB:

Straight Down The Lens 2.

THE AFTERLIFE

âReallyâ¦I mean Iâ¦ I donât know about the afterlife or God or Whatever. I just hope that when itâsâ¦ that time. That time for me to shrug off âthis mortal coilâ. Wellâ¦I hope that Iâll be able to download my consciousness onto a computer hard-drive and live-on inside a virtual realty world foreverâ¦ Perhaps taking the form of a multi-tentacled sex-beastâ¦

âIâm modelling the very latest in modern underwear. Nano-Pants. Thatâs Right! Pants that are impregnated with tiny micro-organisms. Organisms that actually farm the bacteria from the fabric of your undergarmentsâ¦. Look. (Extreme C/U) The gusset is teaming with the little tykes. Nano-mites. Theyâll keep the same pair of pants clean indefinitely! No more soiled knickers. The more you sweat and âcompromiseâ your nether region the harder they work! Literally eating the dead matter from your âdark starâ and surrounding environs.

LSD: Updateâ¦

âthe Nano-mites have become sentient and are currently burrowing through my nubbin-stump fast heading westwards to my âDartfordâ

Renegade Sign Language Person

The/a Film is showing a love scene but the sign
Language person is telling the people (through
Signing!) To kill Fern Cotton & Natasha Kaplinski.

âWELCOME to âComedyâ: The Master Class. Iâm your spirit guide to a wild world of gags and mirth, Noel Clip-Art.

Comedy.?

Itâs so very hard to put oneâs finger on its fickle pulse. To get a real measure of itâs palpitating temple. Change ONE THING and itâs not funny anymoreâ¦

Change a few letters and itâs not even âcomedyâ. Itâs â¦âdromedaryââ¦whatâs that class? Anyone know? Anyone guess?

Student 1 isnât a dromedary a one-humped-camel?

Noel: âyes. A single hump. Potentially funny. The Mono-hump has a singular comedic possibility. But itâs needs to be tweaked & tuned to greatness. However, a stuffed Hare with a pair of nailed on Doctor Marten Bootsâ¦. (Itâs wheeled out)
Now Thatâs Comedyâ¦
âOr, a oversized babies head gaffa-taped to some skatesâ¦(wheeled out)
Or a dogâs head peeping out of a bit of tubeâ¦KILLER!