You're saying should you try to punish the OW? Even though your WH is dead? (That's what I took from your profile).

Exacting revenge is not healthy for you. Let it go. For all you know, this continued resentment has been contributing to the health issues you're dealing with.

Inflicting vengeance is not really going to be the right answer. The right answer comes in working toward being at peace with the past and the present and looking towards a future untainted by this hatred.

The greatest gift you can give yourself is peace.
Let it go, she will never feel remorse.

BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 636 | Registered: Jul 2012

hopingforhappy♀ 29288Member # 29288

Posted: 4:21 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014

She probably won't even remember your FWH--or at least she will tell you that. As much as you want to do this, I fear that it will give you more pain than closure. I agree with those who say to let it go and live in peace. You can be pretty sure that she is not.

I'm definitely in the minority so I am whispering this quietly but I say, "Let 'er rip."

What have you got to lose? That you have carried this all these years, that it continued to plague you enough to hire a PI, perhaps this would be the thing that will finally give you rest.

Darned uncomfortable going against the common wisdom, but it's what I really think (at least right now - don't think I'm not having second thoughts).

P.S. I'm so sorry for your loss but I am so happy for what you were able to keep, despite everything.

It is the gut-wrenching, down-to-your-soul honesty that helps so much. ~paraphrased from CancunCrushed
"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 436 | Registered: Feb 2013

industriousbee♀ 41324Member # 41324

Posted: 9:31 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014

If you were to confrot her, how would you do it? When I confronted OW, I did it publicly. Not sure if that was teh best choice on my part but I really did not have enough self control. I guess I could answer my opinion better if I knew your plan.

Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 122 | Registered: Nov 2013

Neverwudaguessed♀ 41884Member # 41884

Posted: 9:37 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014

Oh, so sorry for your loss; cancer and Alzheimer's is quite a horrible combination; my heart goes out to you knowing what the day to day must have entailed for you. If you feel like confronting her will bring you closure, then you certainly have the right to do that. I understand the overwhelming desire to do so, but I do believe that it depends on what you want the outcome to be; what you to get out of exchange. Remember that you cannot control what happens after you have said your peace. She may be extremely hurtful to you; she may lie like crazy and you will not be able to turn to your husband to determine what is real and what is false. Ultimately, there is nothing that you will say that will change her view of what happened or make her feel sorry for what she did. WHile she seems to have monetary wealth, it sounds like she has a lonely, unfulfilling existence, far from what you and your husband had experienced together. I am truly sorry for all that you have suffered through, and wish you peace and strength in dealing with your own health issues.

What do you expect to get out of a confrontation? Do you feel your expectations are realistic?

You know she won't have any remorse, so if you are doing it just to make yourself feel better, will it? If you confront her and tell her what a piece of trash she is (and I bet she's heard it before), do you think she will even care?

You have to decide what is best for you, but if you are hoping for some type of remorse from her, I am afraid it will be a disappointment. If you are doing it to cleanse your soul and you don't care what she has to say about it, that is a bit different, although, honestly, I wouldn't even let her know that she bothers you anymore. If, after all this time, you took the effort to track her down to tell her off, it only gives her the smug knowledge that she got to you.......

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15800 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio

sad12008♀ 18179Member # 18179

Posted: 10:07 PM, April 21st (Monday), 2014

TOC, that can only be decided by you.

I think it's okay to want to be able to deliver your Victim Impact Statement. Of course I do, I delivered one myself to one of the OW, the one who knew my FWH was married, with a toddler and a pregnant wife (and then a toddler and a wife and an infant).

My advice is figure out what you want from the potential encounter. Realize what will and will not be likely to occur. If you mostly want to speak your truth (as I did), prioritize what you most want the OW to hear...because you might not have an audience for long.

I confronted the OW years ago now, and I never regretted it for even a moment. I can still smile about it. That said, I think stewing on it, planning it, and thoroughly thinking through what I wanted to say was key.

Best of luck to you, and I'm sorry for your recent loss. (((Tough Old Cookie)))

You can't fill a cup with no bottom.

Posts: 3953 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: a new start together

Ostrich8034827Member # 34827

Posted: 12:20 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014

Not sure how many years ago this A happened but the way you described her, even though it wreaked havoc on your life, it was probably just a blip on the radar for her...there were most likely more than just your ws. On the other hand, if it will make you feel better to give her a piece of your mind, do it. Just don't be dissappointed if it doesn't get an apology or even a recognition from her. You spent the time with your ws in the end and you were his true love. I hope you find peace in whatever path you choose.

BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5347 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest

Violated♀ 21239Member # 21239

Posted: 1:06 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014

((((TOC))))

Do what you need for you. Wishing you peace and strength.

Divorced 10/2013

Posts: 574 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: West Coast

Brokenworld♀ 15293Member # 15293

Posted: 9:28 AM, April 22nd (Tuesday), 2014

TOC, Only you can decide to confront or to let it remain in the past. After all this time, if you call to confront her, you are giving her power over you. She will immediately know the anguish she inflicted on you for all these years. Don't bring her back into your life. Focus on you, the memory of your husband and your family.
Good Luck to you.