Dr. JoAnn Deak

An interview with Dr. JoAnn Deak

The following is an edited chat transcript with JoAnn
Deak which took place in August 2002 at WrittenVoices.com.

Reproduced by permission of WrittenVoices.com.

birdlady33 : Where do parents draw the line when trying
to introduce/suggest new activities/interests to children? When do they reach
the point where children begin to perceive the suggestion as pressure?

JoAnn Deak : As long as it isn't pressure...

JoAnn Deak : It's all in the quantity of times you say
it and your tone of voice.

birdlady33 : So suggest it once and then let it go?

sam : But sometimes the pressure comes from school and
other parents

JoAnn Deak : It's important to 'taste' several things
when you're young

Rusty : JoAnn, should you treat a girl who is
particularly tomboyish any special way? Encourage/discourage her interests in
boyish types ofplay?

Leslie : Do you basically feel your child be the guide
for your parenting?

JoAnn Deak : but not eat everything on the smorgasbord!

Leslie : Can the parents be too soft though?

JoAnn Deak : Have you read the teeter totter theory of
parenting.

birdlady33 : or end up being doormats?

sam : no, can you tell us about it?

Leslie : What is that theory?

JoAnn Deak : Health is in the middle...

JoAnn Deak : Not too soft, not too tough

cornelius : You talk about losing your father and the
subsequent impact that had on your self image and esteem. Is this an inportant
role for fathers, to encourage this?

JoAnn Deak : Teeter totter says...

Vicky : What about a child that is uninterested in
activities?

JoAnn Deak : If someone is very sensitive, talk softly,
if another child is not very sensitive, talk louder! metaphorically.

birdlady33 : Good question Vicky.

JoAnn Deak : Fathers seem to have extraordinary impact
on daughters.

JoAnn Deak : Research is surprisingly strong in this
area.

birdlady33 : More so than a mom's impact?

JoAnn Deak : One word from dad seems to equal 100 from
mom...

JoAnn Deak : Sorry!

JoAnn Deak : You can think of reasons why...

sam : wow, that's amazing. I've been doing way too much
talking.

cornelius : I haven't gotten too far into your book yet.
Does it cover the father influence?

JoAnn Deak : All ages, but she reacts differently and
there are different issues at diff. ages...

JoAnn Deak : Like when her body is changing

birdlady33 : Is it related to the fact that a father is
usually the disciplinarian?

JoAnn Deak : or in early childhood with exploring and
risking

sam : or is their approval more important?

JoAnn Deak : No, not related to disciplinarian..

JoAnn Deak : That is one suggested reason...

Leslie : I'm a single mom. What kind of impact will that
have on my daughter then?

JoAnn Deak : You can have a great impact

JoAnn Deak : But

JoAnn Deak : I suggest you make sure she spends time
with adult males

JoAnn Deak : who help her see what men are like

birdlady33 : Should a child have some type of father
figure in their life though? whether it be a family friend, cousin, uncle..

JoAnn Deak : and react to her differently than you.

JoAnn Deak : Yes

Leslie : Thanks. She has uncles that she spends time
with.

birdlady33 : How do I tell a friend who is constantly
hovering over her 5-year-old daughter to back off a little without criticizing
her parenting skills?? She didn't act this way with her son.

JoAnn Deak : give her a copy of GIRLS WILL BE GIRLS, the
whole book is about that, and more!

birdlady33 : Her daughter reacts to her hovering by
overreacting to every little thing and going into hysterics.

Jules : I know this is a simple and tough question, but
what is the biggest mistake parents make?

JoAnn Deak : everyone who has read it stops hovering.

birdlady33 : good idea! :)

JoAnn Deak : Hard...

JoAnn Deak : Probably...

JoAnn Deak : I'm stalling...

JoAnn Deak : What do you think?

Jules : I understand

JoAnn Deak : One is hovering

birdlady33 : hovering!

JoAnn Deak : with boys, its different

Rusty : Pushing them to do too much when they're young.
I think.

JoAnn Deak : another has to do with looks

barbara : At young ages, say 6-9, is it possible to be
too over-protective? Is it damaging?

JoAnn Deak : girls are not pushed as hard

birdlady33 : how about pushing them to be tough and/or
macho when they may be a little more sensitivie than the average boy?

JoAnn Deak : Over protection is a big problem...

barbara : girls are not pushed too hard unless you have
only girls.

Jules : Well, I think not showing respect for their
emotions - at any age.

JoAnn Deak : and has long lasting effects.

birdlady33 : I see that a lot with my friends' husbands
who have sons.

Leslie : Do you think most parents don't expect as much
from their daughters?

Jules : Tell me more about over protectiveness, why is
it bad?

Vicky : Do you think social issues that girls face today
have changed or basically stayed the same since you were a child?

JoAnn Deak : I agree with that...

JoAnn Deak : Social... getting harder and worse and at an earlier age

birdlady33 : Just like Dora, the 12th grader said

Jules : BTW, JoAnn, you are doing a great job. I really appreciate your time.

JoAnn Deak : Thanks, Hard to keep up, good group!

Vicky : How can parents relate better to what their kids
are facing?

Rusty : JoAnn, My Niece is 6 and is a very rough and
tumble tomboy kind of girl. My sister isn't sure whether to encourage or
discourage her at some point.

birdlady33 : Take your time, we're not going anywhere.

JoAnn Deak : Set aside time at night...

JoAnn Deak : not right after school

JoAnn Deak : tuck in time is best

JoAnn Deak : Say...

JoAnn Deak : sometimes I forget what its like to be your
age...

desigrrl : bedtime is a great time to bond

JoAnn Deak : could you tell me what your day was like...

JoAnn Deak : how it feels to be in - grade?

JoAnn Deak : What's hard, what's easy...

desigrrl : my daughters open up most at bedtime

JoAnn Deak : Make the conversation not always about
issues...

JoAnn Deak : TUCK IN TIME should happen every niight!

birdlady33 : JoAnn, do you have any daughters?

barbara : Already at 6 or 7 they seem to not want to
share everything with you.

JoAnn Deak : The cortex and emotional centers are
relaxing...

Vicky : Good advice. My daughters love gabbing before
bed!

JoAnn Deak : Barb- I agree, but

JoAnn Deak : don

JoAnn Deak : don't try to pry details...

JoAnn Deak : OK

desigrrl : getting back to over protection. What do you
mean?

barbara : opened ended questions? That's when they
answer with one word -- usually "OK"

desigrrl : Is it discussed in the book?

JoAnn Deak : Doing something for your daughter that she
could do...

JoAnn Deak : Not letting her take risks

JoAnn Deak : send her to Outward Bound!

JoAnn Deak : It is very discussed in the book

desigrrl : that risk taking behavior is hard for me to
allow and watch.

barbara : Outward Bound??!! I don't think so.

WVHost : Folks, we'll be wrapping up the chat in about 5
minutes. Get your questions for Joann in there.

JoAnn Deak : I know, it is scary for parents to let kids
take risks...

JoAnn Deak : but girls who don't do as well...

JoAnn Deak : I was asked to write a book called...

desigrrl : risk is subjective, isn't it?

barbara : At what age is over protectiveness most
damaging?

JoAnn Deak : every girl should have a least one bloody
nose!

JoAnn Deak : barb- all ages

birdlady33 : I agree!

JoAnn Deak : Esp. young: sets the attitude...

barbara : At what age can it not be reversed?

JoAnn Deak : Every year a child lives with protection,
it becomes harder and harder...

birdlady33 : can it ever be reversed?

JoAnn Deak : The older they are, the more dramatic the
steps needed to change it...

desigrrl : This was a great opportunity. Thanks Written
\voices. And thank you very much JoAnn.

JoAnn Deak : That's why I'm such a fan of programs like
Outward Bound

JoAnn Deak : Thanks!

desigrrl : I'm buying two more books for my friends.

birdlady33 : thanks you JoAnn!

JoAnn Deak : Good bye, tell thousands of friends...

Jules : great chat, all. thanks

Vicky : Thanks for chatting!

Unless otherwise stated, this interview was conducted at the time the book was first published, and is reproduced with permission of the publisher.
This interview may not be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the copyright holder.

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