"The Asian Playboy" Advises Dallasites on How to Be The Best Skeevbags They Can Be

If you like talking about women in terms that make it sound like you're discussing a game of Risk with all the delicate spoken nuances of a redneck buck hunter, I'm guessing I don't have to tell you who The Asian Playboy is. No doubt you have already abandoned all hope of developing an actual personality in lieu of downloading the pick-up artist's Ultimate Guide To Attracting Beautiful Women For Free and are, as we speak, looking forward to a lifetime of mediocre sex with women you don't really like all that much and who will likely bore of you before you can say, "I don't know what's wrong, this has never happened to me before."

If this doesn't sound like you, be comforted. Because The Asian Playboy is from Dallas, though he doesn't live here any more, he is still keen on advising you where to pick up women in this city, because, my God, what would you do if you just had to go out and find people with similar interests to have mutually fulfilling sexual encounters with? I am saying.

The Asian Playboy's recommendations are sound: Don't go to Greenville or Deep Ellum, as this is where the "college and indie" crowd hangs out, and those people are likely to have an education or want to talk about things they like and care about. Stick with Downtown and Uptown, preferably at places that play top 40 music, have bottle service and good "isolation" areas for when you want to "escalate." For example, writes the AP:

Mantus Ultralounge (1520 Main Street): Just like it sounds. A classy ultra lounge that's slow until 11:30 p.m. Expect to grease the bouncer or buy a table if you don't bring girls (I know the owner personally), but be prepared for super hot chicks and big, bro-ish dudes once you're in. Seriously, look at the picture to the right, really hot girls, but expect massive AMOG action.

Beware the AMOG -- "Alpha male of the group." These guys may have real friends and interesting things to talk about because they don't have their heads buried in books about how to manipulate people. Don't try to understand them, just grab the slowest gazelle, get a bump in, and jackhammer her to dull the pain of your deep-seated emptiness.

The Asian Playboy also recommends Sherlock's in Addison, a "typical small-town bar," as all sprawling, inauthentic casual American dining versions of English pubs are. He touts Plush's "indie" basement as a prime location for "high energy approaches," while the Ritz-Carlton is best for "scoring cougars." Sadly, the AP doesn't appear to be as up on his nightlife as he could be -- he also recommends the closed Liar's Den, formerly on McKinney.

And please, don't forget: Racism exists, and can seriously affect your ability to score some strange.

Dallas is a great place, but don't wander too far off the beaten tracks because this is still the South and there's a good chance you'll encounter racism and prejudice. Stay in the cities themselves. Asians have a reputation for dealing in drugs, so avoid those areas and avoid dressing scrubby unless you want to be lumped in with that crowd. Expect to get cockblocked by the overly aggressive Texans if you're with an attractive girl.

So don't run off to the boonies in your Goodwill gear and try to pick up the Waffle House waitress, because she probably thinks you sell drugs if you're Asian. (Related: On his Web site, AP recommends the How To Pick Up Asian GirlsDVD, which is not racist. Racism = people thinking you sell drugs because you're Asian. Not racism = fetishizing and objectifying Asian women because they're Asian. See!) Actually, if pick-up artists did sell drugs, they'd have more to offer the world. E-mail me, PUA's, I know a guy who can get you in business, and we'll all be happier.

Finally, remember: It's the Texans who are overly aggressive, not the guys buying "dating" manuals that tell them to "isolate" and "escalate" things with drunk women they've spent the evening lying to.