Bonnie Slade: Don't reward coercive temper tantrums

I admit, we often give in and beg him to stop because we hate to see him suffer. This year, he started to have problems in school with his grades.

Recently, he has started to wet his pants now and then, and also to wet the bed at night. This is a big problem because he sleeps with me and his mother.

I know he should sleep in his own bed, but he puts up a terrible fuss. We hate to see him upset, so we give in on that, too.

A few years ago, my niece died suddenly and since then, we just feel like life is too short, and that’s one reason we cave in.

Plus, we are exhausted from work. Do you have ideas of how to soothe him and keep him dry at night?

Signed,

Tired Out Dad

Dear Tired Out Dad:

I hear how concerned you are about your son.

Not only are you and his mom exhausted from raising a youngster with a more difficult temperament, but for many reasons, you and his mom have trouble enforcing limits because of the ruckus your son raises.

Because you have a strong ability to empathize with your son, perhaps his distress results in you feeling distressed as well. Perhaps your difficulty in tolerating your own distress causes you to cave in when your child becomes upset.

Unfortunately, this type of parenting strategy inadvertently rewards your son for his coercive temper tantrums. This makes it more likely that he will tantrum again in order to coerce you to cave in.

In the short term, we all feel better when we cave in, thus rewarding not only the child for the tantrum, but also rewarding ourselves for caving in. In the short term. In the longer term, however, this caving in does not allow the child to have an opportunity to learn how to self-soothe and deal with routine, normal frustrations and disappointments.

In the world, and in his adult life, your son will be poorly equipped to handle life’s minor frustrations. The real world will not likely cave in and kow-tow to your son’s angry outbursts.

Because life is short, this makes it all the more urgent that you immediately begin to set reasonable limits and enforce them in your home.

Your son is already 10 years old. The drumbeats of adolescence are just around the corner. If you do not start to address your parenting style at this time, I am concerned that the teenage years could lead to disaster for your son and family.

The first step to take is to set an appointment with the pediatrician. Your son’s physician will check to be sure there is not medical reason that he is wetting.

Even if the wetting problem is due to a medical problem, your letter indicates that there are other problems that need to be addressed. Your son is too old to be sleeping with his parents. This will interefere with the quality of his sleep, further setting him up to be irritable during the day.

Your son also has developed a set of coercive behaviors when you set limits with him. I recommend that you ask your pediatrician for a referral to a child psychologist who can work with the family to help you learn effective ways of setting and enforcing limits.

The treatment approach is called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. If there are no other underlying psychiatric problems such as Depression, AD/HD, Bipolar Illness, you can expect significant change in your son within a few treatment visits.

Life is short, and it’s important to address this right away.

Bonnie Slade Ph.D. is a licensed psychologist who is in private practice in Palm Bay. You can e-mail your questions of a general nature to sebastiansun@veropress.com Do not include your name, address, or phone number. Put Dr. Slade in the subject window.