A blog about my life experiences and teachings that inspire me.

Understandably, we humans would love for everything in our lives to go smoothly all the time. We tend to have this idea that we are going to put our heads down, grin and bear all the pain, challenges, ups and downs for a certain number of years until the day arrives when weʻve finally figured it all out, everything becomes a piece a cake and weʻll then coast peacefully and happily through the rest of our lives. We tend to feel as though hard times in our lives are a sign of something gone wrong, that they are something that should not be happening and need to be removed as quickly as possible.

But if we look back on a “hard” or “bad” time in our life, I believe that most of the time, if we are honest with ourselves, we can actually feel grateful that it occurred. Because if it hadnʻt, we wouldnʻt have learned this or that, or we wouldnʻt have met so and so, or we wouldnʻt have landed into a certain circumstance that turned out to be really good for us.

In my own life, seven years of child sexual abuse and 22 years of silence about it eventually led to two terrifying nervous breakdowns, an awakening, the revelation of a path towards an infinitely more fulfilling life and a deeper understanding of myself and humanity. Periods of stressful financial scarcity led to a deeper reverence for, understanding of, and relationship with the positive role finances can play in oneʻs life and purpose. Finally, years of painful association with and aversion towards dance tilled the soil and created a foundation from which a rebirth of dance in my heart, mind and body could occur, redefining my purpose, yet again.

There is a lot of simultaneity here: the above experiences of mine were painful, stressful, and damaging as well as enlightening, instructive and evolutionary. I think we make it harder on ourselves when we try to label our experiences solely as this or that. I have found that my experiences are most often this, that and the other simultaneously and that taking this perspective on them allows me to grow from them profoundly and exponentially, whether they were pleasurable or painful in the moment.

If we do the work of researching our past “hard” or “bad” life experiences and discovering all the good that actually came from them, it can give us the knowledge, evidence and confidence to boldly know and declare, in the midst of a current painful experience, “At some point, I will be grateful for this experience because I will understand that it helped me to grow.” This does not mean that the current experience will necessarily completely cease to be painful or hard, but I have found that it can make it, at the very least, much more manageable, as it can lessen, if not erase, the crippling feeling of victimhood.

When we put ourselves in the stratum of gratitude, we put ourselves in the powerful position of choice. We may not be consciously choosing to experience the current painful situation, but we can consciously choose to listen to why the pain or challenge has arrived in our lives, and ask, what is it here to teach us? I have found that every experience arrives with the gift of a priceless teachable moment. This knowingness gives us the capability to engage in a partnership with life rather than feeling as though we are being controlled by some supernatural dictator with a bad attitude, “Why is the Universe and/or God against me?” This could not be further from the truth.

365 days a year, 24 hours a day, there is actually only one thing gong on, EVOLUTION: progressive change from one state to another. Sometimes itʻs joyful, sometimes itʻs painful, but itʻs always evolutionary. So the next time a challenging, sad, painful, or scary experience arrives, try to stop, look and listen to what it is hear to teach you about where you are, what it is time for you to let go of, what it is time for you to gain and where it is time for you to go. And if youʻre charmed, try uttering something like, “Thank you for this experience and for the greater one it is carrying me to.”

She grew, birthed and raised me. She re-designed her life and fused it with mine. The best she knew how, she tried to give me everything I ever dreamed of. She did many things right, she made many mistakes, the least of which being that with the intention of exulting me, she unknowingly ushered me into the arms of a predator. Things got complicated between us. I moved far away. The distance has enabled us to begin to grow closer again. She is human, she loved and loves me deeply. I love you, Mom.

Iʻll never forget him being barely able to make it to the punch line of his jokes because he couldnʻt stop laughing in anticipation of it. He worked hard, he loved hard, he suffered, danced, laughed, forgave, crumbled, got back up and kept trying. Then he got tired and he left. From close range, from half-way across the world, and from somewhere before, after and beyond this earth, he has given me gifts of immeasurable value. He has shown me, by example, what it means to be a man of integrity, vulnerability and heart. And for the most unforeseen of his powers, he has shown me how to dance from my heart again. Beyond space and time, Dad, I love you.

From the beginning, she was an emotional force to be reckoned with. Never afraid to tell me what she saw, thought and felt, she has kept me honest many times. Whenever I or anyone she loves is in need, she is instantly there to help and never asks for anything in return. Her capacity to feel, give, hurt, and love is beyond compare. Mine and many peoples lives are infinitely richer because she is a part of it. My sister, I love you.

Our relationship has been permeated by distance, both in time and in geography. I have always looked up to him. I have, for as long as I can remember, told stories of him as if he was a mysterious and irresistible character floating through the great novels of my mind. I have longed for closeness with him, both in times of near and far physical proximity. I learn immensely from his patience, reserve, choice communications, humor, practicality, mystery, deep sense of loyalty and love. My big brother, I love you.

As a young boy, I was unknowingly looking for something I was not getting, and there he was. He became like a Father to me. One of the aspects of my life that was rapidly disappearing was play, and he did his absolute best to give that back to me; drives to nowhere with amazing music blaring, pizza dates, movies, basketball, cooking, art and the list goes on. As no role models are, he was not perfect; his deep love for me sometimes made him go too far, but now as a Father myself, I understand. “Whether you are a famous entertainer, a garbage man, or the President, does not matter to me, I will love you the same,” he told me many times. This has and always will stay with me. Thank you Boobie, I love you.

I was as if a young man in the desert, unknowingly dying of thirst, until suddenly, there she was like a tall, cool, glass of water; my awareness rapidly awakened as to my extreme dehydration. I grasped and drank her in, soothing my cooked heart and mind. I was quite emotionally repressed when we met and I marveled at her emotional lucidity. No matter the circumstance, she always seemed to have such clarity as to how she felt, why she felt that way and was always able to articulate it unhesitatingly and eloquently. She became a teacher for me, the likes of which I had never before or have since experienced.

Through up, down, left and right she has carried me with the strength of a mythical hero. 15 years later, she remains as clear, refreshing and cleansing as ever, as if emanating from a heavenly source which never dries up. I will forever be in awe of her strength, vulnerability, honesty, courage, creativity, generosity, deep knowingness and capacity for love.

My best friend, my wife, the Mother of our child, the love of my life, infinitely, I love you.

His divine and timely appearance on this earth is unparralelled. My wife unlocked a door through which I could find a new healthier way of life; he kicked it wide open and catapulted me through it. He is the most reflective surface I have ever come upon; everything I have ever wanted to and not wanted to know about myself and life, he has and continues to show me. My love for him knows no boundaries or conditions. My Guru, my son, I love you, Dada.

Through him, I was first introduced to what was to become one of my greatest gifts, dance. By the complicated grace of the universe, from opposite ends of the earth, we were physically brought together. I was enamored by, infatuated with and instantly in love with him. He inspired me, taught me, loved me in his twisted way, manipulated me and ultimately betrayed me; sexually abusing me as a child. Sometimes an important love is the one that breaks your heart; the one that opens your eyes to the sometimes cruel, contradictory and most often complicated truth of humanity and the world. Michael, I do not excuse or thank you for your abuse, but I am thankful for what it and the healing from it has taught me about myself, humanity and the world.

To you who are reading this, the lessons of love are infinitely deep. Jump in and pay attention.

I find Brene Brownʻs communication style to be incredibly grounded, raw, funny, honest and relatable. Because of which, what she says resonates effortlessly, deeply and truly sustains its potency over time.

Early on in my first nervous breakdown, I went to the bookstore in search of help. I looked on the shelf and the first title I saw was, “When things fall apart.” “Thatʻll do,” I said to myself. What a life saving gift this book was and continues to be along with all of Pema Chodronʻs teachings. Pema makes Buddhist philosophies so relatable and the practices so practical. Whenever life feels like the title, I HIGHLY recommend picking this one up. I am not and you do not need to be a Buddhist to reap the benefits of this heart advice.

This book played an enormous role in my being able to allow dance back into my heart, mind and body after five years. Each successive paragraph takes another hook out of us that is holding us back from making the art that wants nothing more than to manifest through each and every one of us. Itʻs playful, humorous, raw, honest, simply profound and bombastically motivational. It helps to re-educate us to have fun! Itʻs a once a year read for me too.

Each page, each line is like pouring a warm soothing balm on a sensitive wound. The relevance of these 13th century thoughts and words for our lives today is absolutely remarkable. The poetry is dripping with beauty.

Experiencing the divine creative intelligence in both the Tao Te Ching and the thoughts of Ralph Waldo Emerson simultaneously and in compliment is an unparalleled experience. This is a book I go back to again and again. Open to any page, and that will be the page you need, today.

After years of spiritual confusion, irritation, fear and even apathy, this was the first spiritual book that ever drew me to it. It was my first entrance into what has become one of the greatest adventures of my life thus far; the revelation of my personal relationship with the divine. After this, I devoured the entire series.

"Nothing heals like pain." -Wade Robson

I find that us humans tend to unfortunately not make needed changes until the pain becomes so unbearable that we feel we no longer have a choice. Pain has softened me. Pain has humbled me. Pain has enabled me to know and feel joy.

Whenever I feel overwhelmed by the task ahead.

"The journey of a thousand miles commenced with a single step." -Lao Tzu

The first time I read the following quote, tears immediately fell from my eyes.

I think my reaction was a combination of fear that I did not possess, and hope that I could achieve the embodiment of self-fulfillment, I deeply wish for my son. I know I canʻt give him self-fulfillment, but I hope to be a good model.

The following quote helps to rid me of the fear of taking a new leap into the unknown. A reminder that 24/7, 365, there is nothing going on but evolution.

"No heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second’s encounter with God and with eternity.” -The Alchemist

I was 8 years old. My Mother, Sister and I were days away from moving to Los Angeles, California from Brisbane, Australia. Amidst a nervous breakdown, my Dad took me aside in the kitchen, looked me in the eyes and repeated to me several times...

"There is nothing you have to do." -Dennis Robson (Dad)

This quote came back into my consciousness early on in the healing process, post disclosing the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of Michael Jackson. These words from my Father have mobilized me amidst many moments of paralyzing fear and imagined pressure.

I have such deep gratitude for the teachers that I have had access to. I hope some of these quotes benefit you as well in your journey to live your highest life.

Dear readers, due to my travels, “BREAK TO HEAL, Part III,” will not be ready to publish until next Friday, December 8. In the meantime, I thought I would offer a short document containing some of the powerful quotes that have carried me through the last five years.

I originally heard the following quote via Brene Brown’s TED talk which played a distinct role in inspiring me to first disclose my child sexual abuse.

“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.” -Brené Brown, from “The Gifts of Imperfection.”

I came out of Yoga class and the following quote was staring at me from a card at the reception desk. It knocked me over. I bought the card.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” -Anais Nin

“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.” -Helen Keller

The following quote helped me in releasing my white knuckled grip on the entertainment business and opening my heart and mind to a new life.

“When one door closes, another opens: but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.” -Alexander Graham Bell

The following quote was on the side table next to my therapist's couch, staring at me, every time my mind was running rampant with fearful speculation.

“I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” -Mark Twain

The following quote is from a book that is never far from my side.

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at the moment.” -Eckart Tolle, from “A New Earth.”

The following quote found me soon after the news of my lawsuit against Michael Jackson’s Estate and entities broke in the media. It has inspired me to keep moving forward many times.

“All truth passes through three stages: First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as self-evident.” -Arthur Schopenhauer

I continue to come back to the following quote whenever I feel discouraged about the pace of my emotional, behavioral and/or spiritual progress.

“If you keep feeling a point that has been sharpened, the point cannot long preserve its sharpness.” -Lao Tzu, from “Tao Te Ching.”

THE GRAM

LA! Few things have profoundly changed every aspect of my life as has VEDIC MEDITATION. Thom Knoles is THE master. Rarely in LA. Don’t miss this opportunity. Go to a free intro, learn more, if charmed, sign up for the 4 day course. Absolute game changer. Link in profile

New blog entry. To all survivors of child abuse, their loved ones and everyone. Link in profile.

There are a few pillars of my healing journey. One of the most essential is VEDIC MEDITATION. Life - Changing. Online free introduction tonight. MAUI! A grand and rare opportunity to learn this week. Look at the schedule. Head to mauimeditation.com to learn more and rsvp for a free, no obligation introduction. Link in profile to tonight’s online introduction.