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Scheduled breakdown

Every year I have one meltdown. The timing is uncertain, but it is mandatory. I go into depression and sob and listen to awfully cheesy music and blame the OA for my life going to the dogs. This generally coincides with the kids going to visit their grandparents and I am sure there is a strong link. It also always happens that a maid quits around the same time. One would imagine they’d be happy to have less work to do but apparently not.

And so I sobbed into my bowl of dal, wiped my runny nose on the neatly ironed table napkins, gulped down glass after glass of water and babbled for a long time. This time there was an additional woe. Living in Gurgaon. I’ve tried and tried and I still hate it. Shall write another post on that (clearly there is a lot of angst that needs to be dealt with).

The OA suggested stepping down his work and being with the kids. No, that won’t work because he is the primary earner and I (minimum wage earning journalist) won’t be able to suddenly be able to earn what an investment banker does, considering I have anyway been on a 6-year-go-slow. I’d need to work myself back into the work force, rise slowly and only then can the OA ease out if we’re to fulfill our financial commitments.
The OA suggested that I go back to fulltime work and send the kids to daycare if I feel trapped and professionally unfulfilled. No question of it- yet.
The OA suggested we pay the kind of sums we hear floating around of Rs 20k for a nanny for the kids. Nope. Not happening. Charging a lot of money doesn’t make anyone automatically trustworthy.
And so on.. you get the picture. OA proposed, I disposed.

And then I hiccuped myself to sleep and accepted that what I want will never happen. I know I often vote on forums for better childcare, better support yaada yaada. I know I am itching to get back to cameras and studio lights and late night edits and layouts intead of the piecemeal way I am currently working. I know I want it all. And I know I can’t have it.

I will not let anyone else bring up my kids no matter how good they are at their job. Because for them it is just their job. For me it’s a burning desire. I wonder what it would be like to have been reared by someone who did it as their job instead of my loving family and I refuse to test it out on the kids. No daycare or nanny is good enough for me and I know it’s not because I am a stickler. Heck, on the best days I am careless and easy going. It is only because I don’t want to miss a thing. Because they’re mine, mine, mine and I am like a greedy five year old hoarding her sweeties.

As I’ve said before, I know I can do MORE with my life. So much more professionally. But I also know that I give my kids MORE than what a daycare can. No, not so many friends maybe, but more than the maids who wash their hands and feet and feed them lunch. I can tell them that the carrots are good for their eyes, when I send them out to play I tell them it’s for the Vitamin D. When we talk about their one bit of junk for the day we ‘negotiate’ and the Bean responds, ‘Okay, let’s make a deal… “. A few days ago the Bean told her grandparents that she can’t have an afternoon nap because “the blood and the bones in my body go crazy and then I have to jump around with them.” We laughed till we cried and I realised no daycare would relate each incident to me. I’d never have heard these lines if they were said to someone else.

Yes, in the attempt to give them the best childhood I might be losing the best career and yet I don’t know what the option is. In some ways I already know, there is no option. Once a year the restlessness breaks through and I re-think what is most important to me.

I know I cannot be happy with only freelancing and dipping my toe into the work world when I am dying to go skinny dipping. I’m an all or nothing girl and this flexitime isn’t working out very well for me either.

I should never have had the kids because having had them I am unable to tear myself away from them and let someone else have even a hand in raising them. I should never have tried hotel management, modelling, airhostessing (no, it’s not a word, I made it up), emceeing, event management and rediscovered each time that I love the print media. Because now my two loves jostle for time and I cannot give up either of them. There is no reconciling them either. This is probably one of those few adult choices I am called upon to make and it’s the hardest bloody choice I’ve ever made in my life. It would be simpler to ask me to give a kidney off to someone and a lung to another. I wish I had the absolute calm of those who make a choice. But I don’t. I continue to straddle two worlds, working late nights, getting up early to pack tiffins, rushing for a shoot and getting back in time for lunch. It’s probably why I have the annual breakdown. Eleven years of writing and nothing to show for it.

At times I remember the Biblical parable of the talents. Of God giving you something and telling you to use it or lose it. But I also realise that He gave me these two happy, healthy good children and the right way to thank Him for my blessings is to give back to them what they give me. Joy, time, love, energy, patience and compassion. It’s a tough call and on days I border on agnostic and wonder where I’m going with this.

Even as I write this post I know I’ve cried about this before. And I know what answers you will give me. I may as well shut the comments. But I can’t. I am lucky to have this space (can you imagine how stark raving mad I’d have gone ten years ago without a blog?) where I vent. This is where I talk to you on a daily basis and this is why I must tell you that I have had my annual meltdown. I have now wiped my tears, quietened the hiccups and accepted the fact that my godawful, monstrous brats are the centre of my life and I will have to wait until they let me go since the other way around is not happening.

And then, maybe then, I’ll throw myself back into work and shine like a brilliant star. Or not. Until next year’s scheduled meltdown then. Save your comments. You can copy and paste them there.

And yes, the kids will be back in a couple of days, I’ll bury my nose in the Brat’s neck, squeeze the Bean in an attempt to fit her back into my belly and everything will feel better as it always does. Here’s the post I wrote the last time they were away.

And oh I’m currently playing this song on repeat so that I can sing them to sleep with a new lullabye. Isn’t that voice just dreamy? I hope to be all prepared by the time they come back from G’pa-Nana’s house.

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92 thoughts on “Scheduled breakdown”

Your post makes a lot of sense to me now. I feel the same way too….it is not as if good day care is not available if you can spare the money, but I just dont trust anyone when it comes to my baby. Sometimes this trust borders on the insane….I double check even my husband – when he changes the baby’s nappy, or gets him his bottle or wipes him clean after a bath! Then I feel silly. Tell me it is true with other moms too, please.

I don’t double check the OA because he’d get mad at me. At times I have to change their clothes though because I can’t stand what he’s picked out for them :-/ yes okay, slap me. But I guess it’s not just distrust, it’s also greed. I want to store up every moment like a miser because I see it whooshing past me so fast.

OMG!I don’t know how to say this but I’m going through absolutely the same process right now.I read your post & it’s as if I’m looking into the mirror.Is it a “all Librans going thru an absolutely rough patch phase or what?”My maid just left suddenly yesterday because of an SOS call from her home & I’m left high & dry with no time to even arrange for a replacement.The new boss at work is not at all sympathetic to leave taking & I’m my wit’s end cause my baby has school from 11 to 5 , the son goes in the morning & comes home for lunch .I had a very good maid for the past 7 months & was just about beginning to relax when the bubble burst.I had also put my career on the slow these past few years & missed out on promotions while colleages whizzed ahead just so I had more time with my kid.As you say , good help is difficult to get & I can’t bear to leave my kids with just about anyone so if by some miracle I don’t get someone quick I may hv to quit.I love my job & am thankful I could get to continue for so long cause I used to leave the kids with my parents alongwith a maid & pick them up every evening the last few years.But now my Dad is not keeping well & I just can’t burden them with the kids again although they volunteer to take on the added responsibility .I haven’t slept last night & just turned to your blog to gain back some sanity & I read this.I’m trying to think positive & keep my fingers crossed for a miracle but at the moment the scales are very unbalanced so I know how u feel.Hopefully ,this too shall pass & the sun will shine again :)

Surprisingly, mind is very pliant and can tell and convince one the exact opposite, if you one were to land a dream job, your mind will do a 180 degree turn and tell us: This is the time to earn and save, build a house, some assets and save for my two kids. It is time for me to help the OA and reduce the stress on him. My kids are big enough and they wont miss me as they will go to school. I will have a professional life and be a happy woman and can do a lot more for the house and kids. After all, it is unwise to be impractical and stay at home when a 10 lakh per year package awaits you. Someday when one gets bored of this job, then the thoughts will be – i need to be there when they are growing up. I shd be there to provide a shoulder to cry on and help them make thermocol models for their school project. I should be around to provide them hot food when they come home… so darlings, we just have to move with life and not spend too much time OCD-ing over it. Not worth it at all.

@rajni : I had just one word to say to this post – DITTO.
But then you mentioned “all Librans going thru an absolutely rough patch phase or what?” and I did a double-take!
Am a Libran too and the incidents you mention are uncannily similar to what I’ve been facing myself! I’m going slow in my career for the twins, yet, I feel horribly guilty for every moment that I’m away from them.
@TheMadMomma : Thanks for putting into words what I’ve been feeling too. It saves me the breakdown :D . Just knowing that I’m not the only one going through this phase helps, somewhat.
All I can say is, Chin-up, Cheer-up :)

:) jokes apart we all have these phases. I wonder what it is. Is it the weather? The rain always makes me cry in awe. And the heat makes me cry in frustration. And when we have spells of both in Delhi, I am in a permanent state of tears and confusion! Maybe I should have written the post before the breakdown and spared the OA the trauma of tears in the dal.

Or maybe its simply is a culmination of the sheer exhaustion at the end of the day. Its not just mental stress, but physical too.
I guess we need these breakdowns (I’ll call them escape valves ) to get us down to normal and functional again :)

All of us have made a choice and for a good reason. In fact one should not even think too much after making a decision. Next time you have this painful conversation with yourself, put on some loud music and exercise :) In fact most of us are lucky to have maids, nannies, daycare, drivers to take care when we need. I know of scores of women in little towns and cities who wake up a 4 am, cook a meal for the whole family (including parents or inlaws) to last for the whole day, clean the house, mop the floor, do the dishes,… even have the time to pluck flowers from their home garden and pray for a few minutes, take a local bus to work, eat from their tiffin dabba, come back home to pick veggies on the way, spend time with kids and their homework, cook hot rice and still go about with a smile and neatly kept hair. Whoa, they even enjoy making a gajra of the flowers and tuck it before going to sleep. I think it is about all about attitude. And these women have been doing this for over 15 years now – going thru tight deadlines, targets, children falling sick, guests at home. So girls, cheer up. Just brace yourself and you can all do it. Remember, to do 20 pull ups next time you have that thought – how would it be if i went back to a full time job/opted for flexitime/quit my job to take care of kids/blah blah blah. I cant assure whether u will be at peace. You will certainly lose weight :>>>

@Mom of Rs:Reading this makes me feel a lot better better.Not that anything’s changed from yesterday but you are right just knowing I’m not the only one somehow makes it easier.Hoping & praying for a turnaround soon since everybody around seems to want to see me in only my smiling ,cheery phase & just now I’m one cranky , crabby , unbalanced Libran snapping at family & loved ones for no reason & then crying buckets for doing so.Let’s keep the faith & yes we all need to go through this sometimes .It helps destress :)

the last time you wrote about your babies being away i was not a mom. i liked your post as i like all your posts but i didn’t understand it in the very raw way i understand it now. only i’m on the other side of the fence. i’m working full time. next month (or rather this month end) my mom is going back to my poor lonely dad. my precious baby will be left to the mercies of the maid (and sometime in daycare). my brain refuses to think about it. it just shuts down everytime i try. right now it’s ok. every morning as i start my car i take a deep breath and swallow my tears because i know that my baby is being loved even though i am not there to do the loving. what about when mom leaves? and there is no solution. if i quit, i’ll end up having a breakdown like yours. if i don’t, i’ll have a breakdown of a different kind.
hope you feel better and get to hug the babies soon. i’m at a loss of words – i don’t even have words to make myself feel better – let alone anyone else.

What a (wrong) timing. Neev is going to go with my parents to Kerala for a month. Due to leave constraints I will be able to join them only in the last week. So in essence, he is going to be away from me for 3 whole weeks.

I do not want him to go away from me. But I know that is a selfish thought. He is a very happy-go-lucky kid. He enjoys with whoever is around him and is not particular about wanting some person. So I know he won’t miss me as such and he is pretty used to my mom (after all he spends his whole day with her while I am busy at my work). Plus being in a house as opposed to a flat will give him more places to roam around and explore things, which is again good for him. So in all ways it is a good trip for him.

Why then do my eyes swell up at the thought of him going? Am I not supposed to be happy that he is going to have a good time.. Wish I could convince myself to be happy.

oh, but he is going. I can’t let my selfishness get in the way of his happiness. He has got 4 aunts and uncles (from an age range of 4-16) there who would love to play with him and pamper him. He has got great aunts and uncles waiting eagerly for him. How can I stop him from all this? I can’t. I am already busy planning what all he will need for his long train (first) journey (bottle sterilization, food, milk and the sorts).

But the thought of going back to an empty house at the end of everyday kills me. Hubby dear will reach only 3 hours after I have reached home. I know I can get home and get back to reading (which I have missed a lot), but is hardly a bargain to the usual time I have with him when I go home.

I am gonna be a complete mess the whole month of august.

I am sorry, instead of consoling you, here I am cribbing about my own problems, which are temporary compared to yours.

Thats okay. We all need a space to vent..
He’s going to love it. He’s going to be badly cranky when he gets back to routine too, so steel yourself. i remember feeling most hurt when the babies came back to delhi each time and hated being back home.

I am not sure Neev would be cranky. Actually over the past one year, we have constantly been on the move. We were at my mom’s place for sometime-our house-in laws house – our house – mom’s house – our house. So he is constantly been around different places and he just does not care where he is or with whom he is. He just seems to be enjoying the present and not bother about the past.

You have only one tantrum of this kind per year, that is so good..I have one every month. If it is later than a month it comes out more stronger.

I have tried both now full time SAHM and WOHM and neither are going to make me happy. My line of work doesn’t permit flexi or WFHM so I am stuck and other than throwing a tantrum and re-adjusting things because of my tantrum (which helps no doubt, thats why the hubby plays along I think). I do not know a way out….

Tantrums help. A good cry always helps. I hate that we have to be in this position. Never seen a conflicted man before. Although I have in the recent past seen so many men quit high flying heavy travel jobs for more time with their kids. I think men didnt know what it was to throw themselves into parenting. And I think its not a choice for most of them because the wives are dithering. If I werent so shaky, I think the OA would want to be home with the kids. He often suggests it and I refuse to be the primary earner because I am too volatile.

I too have an annual meltdown like you, when kids are away! I feel so guilty at the end of it, but can’t help! This dilemma will always remain for working as well as non working women. I am going through the same rough phase.

and i thought i am the only insane person who does that, cries babbles goes into depression and blames the entire universe for the death of my career, still doesn’t allows anyone else to take care of my babies. you are atleast doing something in the same field and can always fly from there, for me time is just flying away.

How many Librans here? Am one too and am always in this see-saw of work-no work…
But having changed jobs JUST because it has a g ood day care facility – Im more at ease now. Though there are times when I rush to see him 3-4 times a day and there are days when I dont go to see him even once and then feel guilty for it.
BUT the biggest deal maker for me to go to work is knowing I can never sit at home and for my profile I will not get a WFH option either!
The see-saw continues…

You are not alone in this!!! There is a whole world of women out there who are battling with this decision. Myself included :) It’s a phase it shall pass too. You may not have a dazzling career but you will have 2 beautiful children telling the world some day on the beautiful childhood they had. Take care :)

Thank God for you MM! There’s somebody who feels the same way I do. The husband of course thinks I’m totally psychotic. Maybe I do tend to be a little extreme. Like I could let the maid give Nikki a bath (something I have finally got myself to relinquish) without peeking into the bathroom a few million times, or stop constantly breathing down her neck given that I am in the same house. And maybe that demand for a nanny cam for while I’m in the other room, pretending to work, wasn’t completely justified, but I think I’m getting better.
And whenever I miss my old life too much I just curl up next to a sleeping Nikki and watch for a bit. And then I know I’m doing the right thing for me.

Dear MM, you breakdown is totally justified. I admire women who make the choice to work from home to be around their children. If anyone thinks they have it easy, they are totally wrong. The deadlines are as pressing, and you can work only when the monsters are dozing or playing – effectively they have to be out of your hair. But, it still is the best trade-off MM, because it is better to be a paranoid mother than a sorry one. So, please stick on… the rewards are just too many to let go. As a regular reader of your blog and one who doesn’t know you personally (but feels that you are an old friend), I have loads of hugs and best wishes for you. Go out with the OA to Olive and get drunk – you can do that while the babies are away.

There ! There ! I agree with everything you say but from the other side. 15 years of solid career behind me and I just want to throw in the towel since the job is just sucking the life out of me ( see I haven’t a post on my blog for eons now !) . But no one , other than myself, can see it making any sense. And it doesn’t help that this year we had major medical expenses which we couldn’t have afforded without me working .

You ! I think once Brat and Bean are grown up and more on their own , you will figure something out and be a star . I just know !!

There IS a link! You don’t have the time to waste on such useless thoughts when they are around coz they fill your life with laughter, frustration, agony and joy. Go with flow, MM. You are doing the best you can at this moment in time. That’s all that matters – that you are honest with yourself about what you want TODAY. That might change tomorrow, but that’s ok, right? Big hug – You are already a star.

There, there MM. As you very well know its okay to have these moments (otherwise you would not be blogging about this I guess). I am sure once the kids are in school full time you will be writing your way to glory.
I am on the other side of the fence, a full time working mom. I do not regret it. There are days when I feel like I need to be there every moment but most days I am happy. I love my son. My son loves me. I am happy for him to be with a nanny. I found the best nanny for him (not by paying more money) but by interviewing more than 10 people till I liked who I found, by doing background checks, talking to her previous employers and doing surprise checks on her by dropping in unexpectedly from work (yes, I keep tabs on her and thats how it should be done when your most precious is with someone else). I know she takes good care of my son.She takes him to the library, park and they have a blast all day. She even sends videos him to me during the day. My son is happy with her but just happy enough that he comes back running to his momma at the end of the day. I love that! I dictate what she feeds him , where they go, nap times, what he wears etc etc. She maintains a log for me everyday. And i know she loves him too because I can see it in her eyes and actions. When he was 9 months old, I put him in a daycare and it broke my heart because clearly he was not happy and I was not at peace with the folks there despite all the good reviews it had. I pulled him out in a week, worked from home till I found my nanny. I think that God has given me a great opportunity at work that people in my field would die for and I did not want to say No. If I had said No, I would have regretted it for the rest of my life and would not have been a 100% happy mother. So I guess its what makes us give our best to our child we should choose. In your case you chose your kids. kudos!

Firstly, either it is not a Libran thing, or I am secretly a Libran and the zodiac just got messed up ;) Secondly, I think its a phase, an escape valve like someone mentioned. Its just that I have it every month because I can afford to,I am not a mom and I dont have anyone depending on my sanity to live their lives. Hence, I am forever torn between all the decisions I make, constantly wondering how the other path would have changed my life. Its just that the period between your breakdowns are so so much longer than mine…in fact, you should treat it like a session at the spa, rejuvenating you till the next one :)

Thirdly, I feel like such an idiot commenting among moms and probably gonna be soon moms. When will my time come to rant like you, when ???? :(

I just read the post and it tore my heart.. I am not at that stage of life where I have to make this decision.. But as I kept reading I was just imagining that agony that you were going through and thinking and rethinking every decision and considering each to be a mistake.. atleast that I do.. I am sorry to sound morbid.. but this really made me sad.. Take care MM.. I dont know what to say more..

MM, you idolize your parents in so many ways. You try to create a home for the Brat and Bean that gives them the childhood that you and Tambi had. Perhaps take another leaf from their book and think about setting up a business (in the print media industry) that you can establish and work on from your home. Hopefully the business will grow in time so that when BnB are old enough to be fairly independent, the timing is right for you to expand and extend your business. In the meantime, it can be the third baby that you have always wanted. :)

It is a very honest post and I am not surprised it resonates with every woman who is trying to make similar choices.
While I was working, I felt I did not even have a choice, because our salaries were so small in those days that we couldn’t even think of managing on a single one. Guess that made us feel less confused.
My sister who has a PhD in Psychology, started her family after her PhD (which she did soon after she got married). She didn’t start working till she was forty and her children were reaching their teens, and today 18 years later, her institution (for special education) has a great reputation here and is doing quality work ..they even got a national award! It is never too late, just make your plans and bide your time!

Ab hum kuch boley? I feel that the angst you mention is a particular generation, class, group kay chonchley. Let me elaborate, and Dear Reader, you will have to forgive my lapsing into Hindi/Urdu. I say it best when I say it in Zaban-e-Ghalib and/or Bollywood. Imagine if you will:

1) If you had one standard issue Manorama as Mother-In-Law “Kiyoo Bahu, Yeh May Kiya Sun Rahi Hoon. Hum Ne Agar Bahu Betiyo Se Kamana Hi Tha…” oh yes that would have us hunting the house for our jholas, dumping the kid in someone else’s lap and running to the door, we want to work dammit.

hey MM…
i totally get it. my kids are almost 4 and 2 and 22 months apart. i quit coz i refused to leave my baby with the maid. when they are with their grandparents , i know i should enjoy the time… but the silence gets to me . I have atleast a couple of breakdowns a year. But then I bounce back because i know I’ve got just one chance to raise my kids and I want to do it right. On days that i miss working- this is the only thought that gets me through.
You are doing a fabulous job! Big Hug!
If you haven’t read this book, I would suggest that you do- you’ll enjoy it- The gift of an ordinary day- a mother’s memoir. – Katrina Kenison.

i had mine (meltdown) after i read your post. no no, not because of it, it was just the timing! the libran connection is weird! must be the analness, possessiveness, indecisiveness….! and in my case the peri-menopausal-ness! heheheh!
i think after i had my kids, i transformed into this different person, where i become my child, stand in their shoes, whether its academics, playground bullying, their meals, even me yelling at them. Its stressful trying to lead all these multiple lives! And then am always analysing how i cd do better from their p.o.v or just do better! of course, on days like yesterday i am just not doing well!
talking of career, that went on a back burner after i decided to have kids. first it was slow down, then part time, then a couple years’ break. now am working part time in an allied field. hmmm keeps the neurons from degenerating, nothing more! met up with some old college pals and that was an ego booster…when they said gosh you havent maxed your potential…siiggghhh so someone still thinks i have what it takes! but then its a conscious choice i made, wdnt have it any other way.
there is this lady who freelances in the supplementary-education field, and travels, attends conferences and such. when a bunch of us met up while she was in town, she goes ” you guys are soooo lucky to work part time. i cant get a moment to myself!” after this “poor me” refrain went on for a while. i cd take it no more. “this time to myself/family comes with a price : lost promotions, career on a slow track (and an annnual/bi-annual/monthly breakdown !!!!). its a choice we made. and if She chooses to work all hours then sorry, i am not apologetic about my lifestyle, so quit being patronising!”
the husband though understands, and like OA suggested options, in fact since he works from home, he is a huge help, but no one can help me if i “take it upon myself” to do it all!
it must be the way librans are wired!

oh ya hypothyroidism….but then cant blame that, since i am supplemented! but all those girl hormones do play havoc, esp if the thyroid also plays games!
the guys have no clue what hormones do. theirs dont make them a blathering mess!

I have been in this phase for the past 15 days. Though my meltdown is entirely opposite to yours. I have been working for the past eight years and now feel like leaving job and living life. I have ensured I never get into very hectic job scenario, but still, job is a job, deadlines, responsibilities, etc etc. The irony is, I have joined new organisation just now, which means new responsibilties, new people, new working culture. Was not ready for any change again, as it has been happening frequently, but it happened. Now, I want my life to stand still, with the people i love. Ironically, that too has changed recently. Siblings have moved out of home for job and studies, and now parents are left all alone. This is causing a lot of heartache. So much unsettling in life. I desperately want static life, my home, my people, just the people i love, no strangers for sometime. I need no change now. But the reality is so different at the moment. You are blessed MM for having a loving family and the bestest blog. Wish you abundant happiness and all that you crave for.

You are doing the right thing MM. Anyother thing can wait and can be taken up at any point of time. Childhood happens only once. Children might or may not miss us.But its our blessing to be with them. You had the courage, opportunity and environment to do what matters most.

** And you are read by a lot and we eagerly wait your postings everyday. We love to savour your writings.

LOL No sacrifice involved. I am just one of those people who wants everything. As I said, the moment the kids come back I’ll be sure I want to stay home. They got back today and I’ll be damned if I take up anything that takes me away from them now ;)

MM- totally feel the anguish but am most angry with our social ecosystem where a woman is asked the question -” will you work? the moment she is pregnant and as young mothers , you anyways struggle through new found developments of your life and on top of this have to face uncooperative workforce. Recent case is aishwarya rai pregnancy. i could not care less for her and he in laws but people have started to write off her career from now on. Could not control this rant..have written it out..Have a look whenever you have time and may be you can do a better post than me on this with your way with words.http://betweenworkandhome.blogspot.com/2011/07/now-this-is-just-not-done.html

Sigh this could be my story. I started work part time last week after my measly 12 week maternity leave. The only reason I could go back to work is because daddy will take care of baby while mommy is at work. I cannot imagine leaving my 3 month old at a daycare or at the mercy of a sitter.

I think many of us have this one struggle which we will not be able to let go of. This one thing where neither choice is an option and neither option is a choice, and there are times when that deadlock will seem hard and impenetrable. That sometimes I think the meaning and the worth of it is not in making one choice over the other, and then finding peace (or not!), but rather in what that struggle from one to the other and back, churns out within you, and especially in these moments of bleakness.

And a lot of these things will become clear only in hindsight, what your particular gain is from this complex middle ground. But for now, I think your head and heart are in the right place and that can lead only to good things.

It feels good to come hear after a long time, and suddenly be able to clue in on your life and the reality of it. It will be ok. By now, it already is. :)

@MM, The angst builds up over time and needs an outlet once in a while. It happens to me once in 5-6 months time… It does not make sense and you know, when u r rational, that u have made the best choice after thinking about all the options. Still it overwhelms u once in a while & makes you a blathering mess… We just need some TLC at this time from the husband and “All izz well” :)

But you are a star already and that where you count most: for your family. The blogosphere has garnered a lot of fans, too! Think of it this way, your talent is within you, unlike a career where you have to stay current or get left behind. Which happens so often when you put family first. So, you got nothin to complain about lady (but we all do, we are only human). As someone said, the grass lookin greener over on the other side? water your lawn and watch it thrive! And that is what you are doing already.