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BrokeAss Gourmet: Eggless egg salad

I attended elementary school in the early heyday of the Lunchable, AKA the ultimate cafeteria lunchtime trade item. Tiny plastic cartons with dividers separating a stack of cheddar cheese, a stack of golden butter crackers, and some slimy pink lunch meat (usually turkey or ham) were the Hidden Valley Elementary School fourth grader's ticket to trading her way to an optimal lunch. It was the lunchbox equivalent of a royal flush.

My lunchbox, on the other hand (My Little Ponies from first through third grade; scrunchy brown bags with my name scrawled on them, so as to not look like such a baby, from fourth grade onward), with its sprouted, meatless contents, never got me far in the midday meal barter game. My mother, who had embraced the whole-foods-bulk-bin-health-food-co-op approach to food in the 1980s, packed my lunch with life-affirming nutritional foods like eggless egg salad—a creamy blend of soft tofu, turmeric, onions, celery, a little mayonnaise and fresh dill. She would pack it in a little Tupperware container, with crackers or on a sprouted whole wheat bagel.

While I craved the sort of schoolyard clout that came with having Lunchables in my lunch, I secretly loved my hippie lunches. But the other kids teased me for eating tofu (then relatively uncommon in American households) and so I often ate them in the girls' bathroom to avoid taunting. And despite my actual preferences, I asked my mother to pack me something a little more "normal" so as to spare myself being called "Tofu Girl" at lunchtime.

"That is a very stupid nickname and there is no way I'm giving you white bread and chips for lunch, Gabrielle," Mom told me. Gabrielle, my full first name, was what she called me when she meant business. "Just ignore the teasing and eventually they'll get bored and stop."

I pushed back: "But nobody will ever trade with me if you keep giving me all this healthy stuff!"

I sighed. Eggless egg salad it was, and thus began my first lesson on the wisdom of doing something that doesn't look cool and doesn't win popularity points, but is the right thing to do anyway. The next day I decided to start eating lunch in the cafeteria again, opting out of the lunchtime trade. And she was right: I ignored the teasing and eventually it stopped.

So here's to my mom, and all moms, who stood their ground, when it would have been so much easier to just give in to their whining children. They taught us to be strong, to be true to ourselves, and to eat our gross-looking lunches out in the open, despite the naysayers.

Eggless egg salad is one of my favorite quick vegetarian protein sources, even to this day. It starts with soft tofu (you could use medium or firm tofu, but it won't have that egg-white-like texture) plus celery, shallot (you could use regular or green onions too), fresh dill, plus cayenne for spice and turmeric for flavor and egg-like color.

click to enlarge

You smush up the tofu so it looks like crumbled hard-boiled eggs. This part is fun. Stir everything together with a little mayonnaise and mustard to bind and flavor it, as well as a little salt and pepper. Let it chill in the fridge for at least 30 minutes (this improves the texture).

Eat on a toasted bagel (or on lightly dressed greens, or with crackers or by itself). Listen to your mom. Ignore the haters.

Serves 4–6

Ingredients

14 ounces soft tofu

1/4 cup mayonnaise (use eggless mayonnaise for a vegan version)

1 stalk celery, diced

1/2 medium shallot, diced

1/2 teaspoon ground turmeric

1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper

1 tablespoon (or more to taste) of your favorite mustard

salt and pepper to taste

Directions

Drain the tofu and place it in a mixing bowl.

Use your clean hands to crumble it, being careful not to overwork it—a few squeezes will do.

Gently fold in the mayonnaise, mixing well to distribute evenly.

Stir in the celery, shallot, spices, salt, and pepper to taste.

Chill for at least 30 minutes.

Serve plain, with crackers, over greens, on toast or on a bagel.

BrokeAss Gourmet caters to folks who want to live the high life on the cheap, with delicious recipes that are always under $20. Gabi Moskowitz is the blog's editor in chief and author of The BrokeAss Gourmet Cookbook and Pizza Dough: 100 Delicious Unexpected Recipes.