Recent News

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

LONGYEARBYEN, NORWAY—Hoping to ensure the survival of the popular women’s cut in the event of a global catastrophe, officials announced Thursday the addition of the inverted bob to the Supercuts Arctic Vault, a secure state-of-the-art facility that preserves the world’s hairstyles for future generations.

WASHINGTON—Saying that the huge breach of trust clearly violated journalistic ethics, White House aides confirmed Thursday that Chief Strategist Steve Bannon was not on the record when he issued the deafening, atonal howl that caused a reporter’s head to explode.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.

BOSTON–Snuggling up together in the peaceful serenity of the Massachusetts General Hospital radiology room, sources confirmed Thursday that New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski was surprised by his girlfriend with an afternoon of relaxing couple’s CAT scans.

BOSTON—Flying in the face of generally accepted beliefs about such outbursts, a new study released by the Boston College Department of Psychology found that expressing anger in unhealthy ways is actually incredibly satisfying.

GRAND BLANC, MI—In updates that reportedly were becoming both increasingly frequent and less interesting with every new addition, local woman Kate Morris was now just typing her 4-year-old child’s every word verbatim throughout the day as Facebook posts, sources said Thursday.

CHICAGO—Saying that he alone could determine the legitimacy the woman’s claim, area man Luke Haggerty will be the judge of whether coworker Delia Carroll is actually a true baseball fan, sources confirmed Wednesday.

GLENDALE, AZ—Saying he was not ready to hang up his cleats just yet, Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald told reporters Wednesday that he’s confident he still has a couple lousy seasons that undercut his entire career left in him.

COLUMBUS, OH—Saying he didn’t even have a moment to consider his decision, local man Stephen Ashbury acknowledged to reporters Wednesday that he acted on pure instinct when he stood and watched a robbery occur.

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

How to Stretch Your Social Security Dollars

Casino Corner

Times are tight. And let me tell ya, Gramps, those Capitol Hill types ain’t exactly eager to slip you a coupla extra clams in the old Social Security. For this you worked 40 years at the coal chute? It seems the only part of retired you got was tired! You don’t even have two nickels to rub together after buying your Poligrip and Spam and maybe a nice pint of rye.

Well, I’m here to tell you that you just ain’t trying hard enough. You ain’t a mummy yet! And I know what you’re gonna say, you can’t afford it. Hell, you can’t afford not to! Because I got a place where we turn dreams into dollars—and the drinks are free! I own the Metro Plaza Casino Resort, the ideal place to adjust your personal finances!

Maybe you’re wondering about the cost. You shouldn’t, ’cause like I said, this is a place that makes your greenbacks work harder for you. What you silver foxes gotta do when you get that Social Security check is cash it immediately and come to the Metro.

We got all sorts of investment plans, and every one of ’em is a load of fun. If you wanna start out slow, there’s the slot machines, what you antique types call one-armed bandits. It’s like a vending machine for quarters. You stick in a quarter, and, well, sometimes the vending machine, it’s a bit balky, but what do you expect from these new-fangled contraptions? And, anyhow, if you have good old-fashioned American stick-to-itiveness, a flood of money will come pouring out, just like in the Bible.

It’s nice here at the Metro, a true getaway. It’s decorated like a Roman circus and if that ain’t your style, we got a room all decked out like a riverboat with Wild West gals in big skirts and feathers. There’s plenty of cheap meals, too—like all-you-can-eat prime rib for three bucks! And, if you get tired from the excitement, we understand. You can sit at the Blackjack tables. We keep the heat up nice and high for you olds.

Now I know you’re saying to yourself—you weren’t born yesterday. And may-be you heard that our casino games here have been associated with gambling. I say sure, that can go on at my joint. I can’t be everywhere at once, can I?

The stock market these days, now that is gambling, my gray-headed friends. It’s like 1929 all over again every day out there, and you remember how bad that was.

There’s no loaded dice at the Metro, old friends. Just the honest, fun, money-making dice that’ll make you rich. So come on down, and don’t forget those Social Security checks!

More from this section

BOSTON–Snuggling up together in the peaceful serenity of the Massachusetts General Hospital radiology room, sources confirmed Thursday that New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski was surprised by his girlfriend with an afternoon of relaxing couple’s CAT scans.

BOSTON—Flying in the face of generally accepted beliefs about such outbursts, a new study released by the Boston College Department of Psychology found that expressing anger in unhealthy ways is actually incredibly satisfying.

WESTWOOD, CA—In a deft and ruthless display of the utmost cunning, local woman Anne Kaminski added the phrase ‘No gifts, please’ to the bottom of her birthday party invitation, sources confirmed Friday.

BIRMINGHAM, UK—Annoyed upon realizing that the housing office based its entire decision on a single thing they had in common, Pakistani human rights activist Malala Yousafzai told reporters Thursday that she was obviously paired with her Oxford roommate solely because they are both Nobel Laureates.