December 01, 2014

2 YEARS

"Do you know who you are? Do you know what's happened to you? Do you want to live this way? All it takes is one person... one moment to change your life forever. It can change your perspective, color your thinking. One moment that forces you to re-evaluate everything you know. Do you know who you are? Do you know what's happened to you? Do you want to live this way?"

-Cristina Yang, Grey's Anatomy, S10E17

me, today, strong and resilient on my own. (cuz i don't need no man.)

2 years ago today I made the decision to breakup with my boyfriend of almost 4 years, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. and I'm so thrilled that I've hit this milestone, that it's getting further and further behind me and that I really have moved on. I remember feeling like I'd never be okay and that it'd hurt forever, but here I am. here I am in one piece. a whole. I used to be half a person without him, he was the other half, but now I am a whole person on my own. all by myself. and as lonely as it makes me feel sometimes, it's so liberating. I'm free.

SO RAISE A GLASS, STARTED AT THE BOTTOM AND NOW WE HERE.

I'd like to thank my family, my friends, and all you lovely people who have given me your support and love. even if it was non verbal, your vibes helped me. even though this was something I went through on my own, I was never alone.

I wrote this a year ago, and out of all the rants, poems, songs, and everything else I wrote about him and all of it, this remains by far the very best and the most accurate:

my first love

those amber eyes haunt my dreams and fill my memories

the problem was that I was right for you but you were wrong for me. so forever we'll be wondering why the pieces never quite fit. never knowing why it felt so right and why it fell apart.

but no matter how many times the past is rehashed, or how many times the memories play like broken records, it happened & it's over.

there is no changing the past, only moving forward hoping to shape the future into what we want it to be. and I learned that I wanted a future with someone who is right for me.

and until then, I'll find myself, and the missing pieces you took from me. filling the holes that you left. but no matter how many times I change how I feel about you, what will always be true is that I was in love with you.

I'll never be able to pretend that didn't happen, because it did.

the good and the bad,

the sweet and the bitter,

the laughter and the fights.*

it was all apart of us and who we were.

so I'm sorry I couldn't be what you wanted, and I'm sorry you couldn't be what I needed. but it happened. and the only thing to do now is

move on.

*so the original reads "the hugs and the hits, the laughter and the yelling" and I just want to clarify that I took poetic justice there and that he NEVER hit me. it was NOT a physically abusive relationship. so I decided to omit that line and to revise the "yelling" to "fights" because that's way more accurate. we never really yelled at each other, and I wouldn't even call them fights, they were more like arguments. but anyway, wanted to clear that up.

even though some times it seems impossible to remember that there were good times, there were. and there were bad times too, but the bad times don't get photographed. so I have to capture them with words. catch them and set them free so that the bad times don't stay here with me. and even though he almost destroyed me, I took it and I ran with it. and I became stronger.

almost all of my teenage life I spent with him by my side, so like it or not he has shaped who I am. for better and for worse.

I'll see you right back here a year from now, same time, same place. but I'm still growing, so I'll be better and better still.

"Do you know who you are? Do you know what's happened to you? Do you want to live this way?"