Nick Kroll's New Character: The '70s Eater

Nick debuts a brand-new character, the guy who uses his food like he's a reject from a Scorsese movie.

TranscriptCONAN: A lot of fun characters on Kroll show.
Anything new you are working on, developing?
NICK: I was going to do child paparazzo, but I think that's a mistake now.
[LAUGHTER]
CONAN: Yeah, your timing is off, I think.
ANDY: Just make the paparazzo a child.
NICK: Yeah, that would work. But I do have a new character I would love to make the world premiere of tonight on your show.
CONAN: On our show?
[APPLAUSE]
NICK: It's very exciting.
It's the character I call 1970's eater.
It's a guy who eats like he's in a 70's movie.
CONAN: A guy who eats like he's in a 70's movie?
NICK: Yes. Unfortunately I need food to do this bit.
CONAN: That's OK, I always keep a lot of food right here.
ANDY: In case you want to carbo load.
CONAN: Yeah.
NICK: Would you be willing to help me out?
CONAN: Sure. What you want me to do?
NICK: Let's pretend we're in a course is Rece movie, something like that.
We're in a diner, old friends, haven't seen each other.
You work for me.
CONAN: I work for you? OK.
NICK: You have a meeting that you are being called to that you might not be exactly ready for.
CONAN: And you're 70's eater guy.
Tell me when to go. You're in charge the
NICK: You have your moment before?
CONAN: Ok.
NICK: Great. Here we go.
[LAUGHTER]
NICK: What's so funny?
CONAN: Nothing at all.
Everything's going good, boss.
NICK: Conan, I saw your mom got a new car.
CONAN: Yeah, I got my mom the new Cadillac.
NICK: New Cadillac, very nice.
CONAN: The Eldorado.
NICK: Very fancy for a guy like you.
CONAN: You know, I saved my money.
NICK: Sweetheart, let me get a cup of coffee, please.
CONAN: So anyway, I saved --
NICK: Nice. This coffee is nice because it's not that hot.
[LAUGHTER]
CONAN: So my mom, I got her the car.
I put aside the money, got her a mink coat.
NICK: Mink coat?
Where are you getting at money for something like that?
CONAN: I put it aside carefully.
I put money aside, yeah.
NICK: J.P. Morgan here?
You know Andrew? My muscle, Andrew?
CONAN: He's the kind of guy that takes care of people for you.
NICK: Yeah. Ironic that he's here.
Sweetheart, let me get a steak. Gray, thin, hard, cut with weird pieces of fat on the side, please?
CONAN: So anyway, you don't think I'm stealing from you, do you?
NICK: No.
CONAN: I wouldn't do that.
NICK: Is that why you think I brought you to this meeting?
CONAN: No, I --
NICK: If you were going to steal, why don't you take one of my fries?
CONAN: I don't want to take your fries!
NICK: Take one of my fries, Conan! How does that feel? Is that what it feels like to steal from me?
[APPLAUSE]
CONAN: I like that guy! I didn't get one fry into my mouth.
NICK: That's why I'm the boss!
[LAUGHTER]