Cam Newton evidently turned off James Cameron’s 1997 hit The Titanic halfway through after he saw the part where Leo painted a naked Kate Winslett. He never saw that old bag drop the crown jewel in the ocean at the end, or that booze bag captain spending more time looking at the bottom of a whiskey glass than the ocean ahead, or that moment where Celine Dion started playing and I had to convince my friends that a fly flew in my eye and I wasn’t overcome with emotion. Cam also missed that teeny tiny part where a fucking iceberg the size the of a Iowa drilled the boat, killing 1,503 people–1,502 if Kate Winslett would move her ass on that floating door and make room for Leo.

Newton inadvertently burned his own team after a reporter asked him about the departure of star WR Kelvin Benjamin to the Bills.

“Yeah, we just lost a great player, but nevertheless, the Titanic still has to go.”

This quote makes Kyrie Irving’s ‘the earth is flat theory’ seem plausible. Life hack: If you say ‘nevertheless’ in a sentence, everything you say after that is true and smart. So, by transitive property, the Titanic never sank and jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.

P.S. I cannot underestimate the affect this part of the movie had on my ability to trust a woman.