I’ve written to you a couple of times (“It’ll happen when it happens”), and
now that everything is going well with my boyfriend (you were right), I’ve
got a problem: This time with my mother.

My boyfriend and I have decided to get married this fall. Great, right? Well, on our side of things, yes.

We have decided to do something small and informal, and when we told my parents, they seemed happy and excited for us. Not once did we ask for any money, and yet, when I try to talk to my mother about what we are going to
do, she shoots off a, “why are you telling me?”

Now, I understand that I am an adult (30), but is it so much to want your own mother to take a little interest in your upcoming wedding? I know women complain all the time about overbearing mothers when it comes to wedding planning, but maybe they should try one who acts like she doesn’t care at all.

She was the same way when I got married the first time eight years ago, but I mostly attributed it to the fact that I was young, had a baby, and they didn’t like my fiance (now ex-husband).

My boyfriend has told me that I need to say something to her — to explain that she has hurt my feelings with her disinterest. But I’ve got to tell you, considering my past experiences with her, I’m not so sure it would do any good. I keep thinking that I’m just a big baby and that it shouldn’t bother me so much — I mean, that’s just the way she is and it almost seems easier to not expect any different out of her.

Here’s what happens: I give her the benefit of the doubt and try to talk to her about something and she is (pick one): unresponsive, cruel, sarcastic, insensitive, tells me to seek emotional help, etc, etc. Then, I get upset and hurt, but hope that the next time will be different, so I try again and get the same thing.

I feel stupid for thinking that it will change, but I also think, well, she’s my mother and she should care. This whole thing is making me nuts and I don’t know how to handle it. I’m too old for this!

Thanks, again.

– Lynne

SCOTT: Lynne, many congratulations to you on your wedding! I think I’m more excited for you than your Mom.

But why? Maybe she doesn’t think it’s a good idea, but politely doesn’t want to say anything. Maybe she doesn’t care for your boyfriend.

Or maybe she’s just a negative, miserable, unhappy person who’ll never change. I’m gonna go with that one.

Unfortunately, you’ll probably never get an apology for her behavior, so why not distance yourself from her? When she calls you on it, you can tell her what you told me about how cruel and insensitive she has been to you.

Just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean you have to put up with it! You’re an adult now, so it’s time to be assertive and stand up for yourself, and the only way you stand a chance of getting a change of behavior from her is to change yours.

Good luck!

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