I was listening to a TED Talk on my way to work a while ago and wanted to share a segment that had an impact on me. I don’t know if it will impact you in the same ways, and I hope there’s some meaning in it for you. The presenter, Caroline Casey, talked about challenges in her life and her commitment to make a difference for people who are like her. The clip below should start at 12:11 (if it doesn’t, just fast forward to that part).

“All of the other 1 billion people affected by disability, but it’s not just about disability. We’re just people. We don’t have a Bono (e.g., DATA, EDUN, ONE Campaign, Product Red) or a Nelson Mandela… We need them. It needs to be talked about… Think about the James Bond movies. All the criminals have a disability.”

This part of the talk resonated with me because when marriage is part of the political spotlight, there’s a huge bump in talk of all things gay. Some of it is positive, microaggressive, passive aggressive, and most of it is just plain ol’ aggressive.

The top three aggressive comments usually go something like this:

The gay lifestyle leads to AIDS/HIV and other horrible diseases. (Then insert something about STIs being God’s punishment on gay and lesbian people.)

Gay and lesbian people have 100s of sexual partners each year. Promiscuity, bla bla bla.

If we let people get gay married, people will also start having sex with their pets and want to marry them.

It can seem silly to be affected by uneducated comments like these. The heart of the issue sheds more light on why these comments can be so problematic when we know the people making the comments are jerks by trade. And the heart of the issue relates to Caroline’s comment:

We don’t have a Bono. We don’t have a Nelson Mandela.

I don’t want to trivialize the work of activists around the globe who do wonderful things. Groups that come to mind are PFLAG and The Treveor Project, to name just two. What I want to comment on is who are our Bonos and Nelson Mandelas when it comes to same-sex relationships? Who are our mentors? our examples? Not to say we can’t pull strength from the examples of our parents, friends, and co-workers because we do.

There just isn’t anyone out there like us — that we know of. As Caroline pointed out about people with disabilities in the media, they’re usually the villains. And we’re usually the villains. Gay people are most often the villains and examples of what not to become, examples of bad relationships.

Salon named a few back in 2012. From the shows I watch there’s Cam and Mitch of Modern Family. They’re not necessarily villains, but they fight a lot and rarely kiss. One BuzzFeeder crunched some surprising numbers:

There’s Nolan of Revenge. His relationships are portrayed as short-lived, obsessive, and a means to some ulterior motive in the plot twist that is Revenge. And there’s David and Bryan of The New Normal… We ate that show up and not because there was great acting, plots, or story line but because the gay couple represented a strong, committed couple. They’re difficult to identify with because hey, it’s Hollywood and the guys are rich, but they’re portrayed as fairly decent people.

And now there’s the question of what happened to The New Normal? It wasn’t popular enough. And if you don’t remember, it was so controversial KSL wouldn’t broadcast it in Utah. Later, KSL decided to air it after hours and/or on the weekend (when trashy shows air). And this gets to the other part of the equation: they’re aren’t as many narratives out there for gay people (in part because society isn’t welcoming).

What do you think? Have you noticed similar tends in the media? Do you disagree? Share your thoughts.

Whenever a gay Mormon hits the media spotlight, I follow their story. Why? Because each story unfolds differently and reminds me that what we all want from life is a good life. (Another reason is I feel more and more relieved as I see attitudes and understanding change: Mormon families are becoming more and more accepting and the LDS church is becoming less and less harsh.) Recently, Jimmy Hales (the gay Mormon who hit the spotlight after filming himself coming out) shared this song, and the song took me down memory lane.

People who haven’t asked questions about how I got to where I am might assume I got to where I am because I fornicated and lost touch with God, or that I drank alcohol, or that I drank coffee, or that I had some secret party life I didn’t tell anyone about. Hopefully, this blog post will shed light on what actually happened. (And I’ll add a similar warning that this is the path I chose that was right for me and may not be right for everyone).

“I never thought this would be my story.”

When I took Russian courses and the topic of gay marriage came up, I never thought I’d be walking down the streets of Alexandria with a classmate and my husband.

When I back packed across Europe with a friend from the mission, I never thought I’d be walking the Freedom Trail in Boston with her and my husband.

When I walked the streets of Estonia with a mission companion, I never thought I’d attend a soccer game with him and my fiancé.

“However we go, we’ll hear ‘this is wrong’”

When I was alone with my religious beliefs, I heard it was wrong just to be me.

When I found people who were like me, they said it was wrong to be around gays.

“I’m used to being pushed away, so I’m not used to this… Sitting here we both feel this is actually real, not a fantasy.”

My religion taught me that when I fell in love, my life would be full of darkness and I’d get AIDS and die (slight exaggeration, but you get the point). What actually happened was I was full of happiness, and my family noticed. Not to be too gay about it, but this is what it was like:

That video clip is the opposite of an exaggeration (an underexageration?). I had never understood love songs. I had never understood gooshy movies. I didn’t understand what the big deal was. And that all changed in an instant and ushered in new questions, one of which was: If Mormons were wrong about love, are they wrong about other things too?

I’m not suggesting anyone question their faith in the Mormon church. I am suggesting that being a gay Mormon is a challenging and complex situation that isn’t understood well enough right now. In short, I agree with Jimmy:

“This needs to change; we need your help, even if sympathy is all you can offer.”

Is the juxtaposition of the Christmas holiday and the undoing of Amendment 3 in Utah merely coincidence? Probably. But I just can’t help myself. I have to point out the irony of it. The irony starts with the “reason for the season” (we’ll just ignore that he wasn’t actually born on December 25). Whether you believe in Jesus, prophets, or pagan gods, you’re probably familiar with the story and what he was about. To sum who he was and what he was all about:

He wasn’t well liked, and among the reasons for not being well liked was all the times he mingled with people he wasn’t supposed to mingle with. In short, he’s like the guy at the party who tries to create room at the table for everyone: you kind of admire him for the thought and hate him for making you share. Maybe he was like that because there wasn’t any room at any inn for him.

Like Jesus, some County Clerks in Utah made room for gay and lesbian couples when Amendment 3 was found to be unconstitutional.

The most distressing part of all the arguments against gay marriage, especially in red states like Utah, is no one is willing to let us enjoy family life, which is one of the most conservative things a person could want. But… those who have a monopoly on family don’t want to share.

Not to let the cat out of the bag, but we want to start a family at some point down the road. The most distressing part about it is the legal uncertainty we’ll face. Depending on where we live, both of us might not have legal custody. We might not have joint healthcare (and I can’t even fathom how much that will cost; healthcare is already expensive enough).

Anyway, back to the reason for this post. ’Tis the season to be merry and bright, so I’ll part with this thought: It’s the time of year when we all celebrate something meaningful (whether worshipping Jesus, gods, or celebrating the shortest day of the year and welcoming more and more sunlight) and spend time with our families. So let’s learn from this little girl and get back to focusing on what’s directly important to all of us.

And finally, let’s have pity on plights and open our doors wether that be opening courthouses for gay and lesbian couples, sharing legal protections for families of gay and lesbian households, or just opening the door.

Until recently, when the Phil Robertson / Duck Dynasty Debacle received a lot of attention on social media, I haven’t been the direct recipient of the catch phrase “some of my best friends are X”. (If you’ve been spared the debate about Phil, check out what he said during an interview with GQ. I’ll also post some snippets later on). At least not to my knowledge, anyway. And that’s what makes it tough to figure out why people say it. It’s not something you say in front of group X. You probably wouldn’t say, “Some of my closest friends are gay” when your closest gay friend is in the room. In fact, whatever it was people were talking about probably wouldn’t be talked about with the friend in the room. And that’s because that phrase is used in like-minded, closed circles.

So, I’m sure people have said it when thinking of me, but my very presence changes the conversation. And that’s what’s so interesting about social media: I can be there without really being there. I can watch the conversation unfold, speculate and observe, and not influence the course of the conversation.

So regardless of whether it’s offensive or something else, it’s at least an interesting thing to say. And in case you missed it, in Mormon lexicon, “some of my best friends are X” plays out as “some of my best friends chose that lifestyle” (because choice, or free will as they call it, is something important and sacred to Mormons). Getting back to the discussion. Why do we (yes, even me) say things like this? When I’ve been tempted to say it, I was faced with the reality that maybe, quite possibly, I had some feelings, thoughts, and opinions about group X to sort out. And it’s so much easier to dismiss those thoughts than have someone apply a label to me: you’re [pick one: racist, anti-Semitic, homophobic, bigoted]. No one wants any of those labels.

It also helps build connection within my cohort: Yeah, we totally agree on this! Fist bump!

And let me connect with more people who think like me!

And now, getting to the heart of what I really want to write about and communicate: Can we strike this saying from our vernacular? Like really. I think it’s problematic because it stops us from thinking about some critical issues.

The saying “some of my best friends are X” should be expunged

For starters, I know you have this best friend who is X and all, but do they agree with what you’re saying? As group X, I can speak up for myself on this one. If this acquaintance on Facebook was referring to me, our friendship is shallow in comparison to other friendships. We were roommates for a while (I was in the closet at the time), he invited me to a few parties, and I invited him to few social events. And I don’t agree with him on this topic.

Next, I don’t think we ever talked about me being gay (or choosing to live this dastardly lifestyle). We didn’t have any deep conversation that I can recall. Moreover, I didn’t feel comfortable coming out to him. And here’s why. I invited him to get ice cream with my gay friends. (At the time, I was only out to a few family members and friends and considered coming out to him). I don’t think he knew they were gay, but I think he suspected. When they weren’t around, he asked if one of them was gay in a tone that sounded annoyed and disgusted. I redirected the conversation because I didn’t want to him to be annoyed or disgusted with my me. We didn’t hang out much after that. A few years down the road, I tried to re-connect with him and invited him to watch a soccer game with my fiancé (now husband). I don’t think he knew we were engaged. I don’t know if he suspected anything because we didn’t talk about it.

Key phrase: We never talked about it.

Finally, I don’t think you really understand what my experience has been like. When I announced my legal wedding on Facebook, you weren’t among those who celebrated. You didn’t even leave a comment. When I changed my name on Facebook, it went unnoticed. Or you noticed but didn’t feel comfortable commenting or celebrating. That makes me think you haven’t put too much thought into my whole “group X” situation.

Getting back to the heart of things. I think this saying about besties in group X keeps you from thinking about the issue and helps you avoid being labeled as something you don’t think you are. And even though you’d never openly hate, you’d also never openly celebrate the good things happening in my life.

And I’m not writing this for you. I’m writing this for everyone who has ever used the saying “some of my best friends are X” to encourage you to never say it again. And it comes with a promise that if you don’t say it, you’re going to feel some uncomfortable feelings, hear some uncomfortable thoughts, and realize you have some opinions you’re not comfortable with. You’ll realize that even though you don’t have super harsh, offensive feelings, thoughts, or opinions about group X, you also don’t know that much about group X.

And that’s okay. At least as long as you experience the uncomfortable reality that you’re not [pick one: awesome, nice, supportive, hipster, etc.] like you thought and you’ve gone some growing to do.

Like this:

When I heard the news about the Supreme Court ruling on DOMA and Prop 8, I was at work. A lot of people had a difficult time focusing on projects and we took frequent breaks to check the news. A few minutes after 10:00 am, I pulled out my phone to check Twitter and bam. There it was. From the man himself.

We took a moment to celebrate together. It was awesome to be surrounded by people who were happy about a monumental win for equality. I took to other social media to celebrate with friends back home, and I was quickly reminded that not everyone was happy about it. I mean, Jesus is crying about it after all.

And then Michelle Bachmann was all:

And the rest of the world was like, “Woa, what does that even mean?” Personally, I think she’s grabbing a pair of imaginary breasts. That’s the only thing that explains the positioning of her hands and that facial expression.

On the drive home from work, I listened to the news and experienced a lot of different emotions. Excitement about having full protection — on a state level and now on a national level — and gratitude to be surrounded by supportive people. I haven’t always had that privilege.

My mind shot back to Utah when listening to Rachel Maddow. She talked about a hypothetical couple, married in a state that recognizes same-sex couples, that relocates to Utah. What happens to them? What happens to their marriage? What do they do about their taxes? What if they have kids — do they continue to enjoy legal protections for their children?

These types of questions reminded us that we just took an “admittedly somewhat underwhelming but inarguably forward-facing move outside the Supreme Court Building“. And conservatives have it right: this *is* progress and there’s still more ground to gain before full equality is achieved. And we probably won’t stop at human equality: We’re coming for your pets!

After reading so many posts like this on social media, I had a sobering thoughts. I’ve had 30 years to build up tolerance for these types of statements. There was a time of life when I was even more sensitive than I am now, a time of life when I was afraid of people figuring out my secret. And even though I’m here now, there are people currently at the stage where I once was. The things shared with them during Sunday school lessons, fast and testimony meetings, fifth Sunday lessons, and shot around during casual conversations, will stick with them.

They’ve stuck with me. I remember my bishop sharing Boyd K. Packer’s pamphlet “To the One”. In the pamphlet, he shared a story about a missionary who was hit on by another missionary, and the missionary who was hit on punched the other. Or as he described to Packer, he “floored” him. And Packer responded, “Well, someone had to do it.” I was afraid. Adults have the capacity to think about the context — he might have been referring to a situation that involved a potential sexual assault. Kids, on the other hand, probably don’t think about context. I didn’t. All I thought was, “Person who is gay, like me, get’s punched. Church leader gives approval. My peers find out I’m gay. I get punch. They get kudos from the bishop.” That’s a terrifying place to be. Or to hear one of your leaders talk about how gay people should be drown in the ocean. And then go on church and scout trips with him near large bodies of water and wonder, “Would he…?” It causes you to wonder, constantly, what people really think and what they would really do if they knew.

I feel compelled to speak up for them because I remember how powerful and liberating it was when people spoke up for me.

And then I read headlines about violence — hate crimes — against gay people. It can be terrifying. Mathew Sheppard’s mom talked about how she wishes her son was still alive to see DOMA go down, and I’m reminded how far we’ve come.

We’ve come far enough that companies are realizing gay people have been part of an untapped market.

And of course, Google. They’re so gay, I think I might buy one of their tablets.

And movie stars refuse to marry until gay people can marry.

And then I go back to social media and I’m reminded again about how much more progress we need to make. Especially if this guy has a gay child:

At some point, I realize you become callous and desensitized. You don’t realize how much you close and harden up. Until you listen a song like this, and read a comment like this.

We’re making progress. Shame and fear of being gay are becoming less common. Like Macklemore said:

Here are some popular Google searches that pull up my blog as well as additional resources.

Annotated church membership records

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church, aka Mormons) “annotates” (places an “asterisk” on) membership records of gay members for various reasons one of which, purportedly, is to protect children from the gays. John Dehlin interviewed Benji Schwimmer about it here and there’s more about annotations of membership records here. If you want to watch full two-hour interview with Benji/John, you can find that here or click the image below.

I don’t think this is true… Thomas S. Monson, however, is the current president of the LDS Church. This search probably relates to the idea that Mormons are/were polygamists and married lots of young girls back in the day.

If same-sex marriage is legal then few babies will be born

Mathematically this doesn’t make any sense — providing rights for gay couples probably won’t change whether they’ll go out and have babies and it definitely won’t change whether straight couples have babies. If anything, legal protections will result in gay couples raising more children. This also sounds like the idea that if you “put all the gays on and island and they’ll all die out”. That may or may not be true, but at least you’ll move us some place awesome.

Bisexual LDS RM discussion boards, gay Mormon couples

I grouped these two popular searches together because it sounds like closeted gay Mormons looking for support groups or something along those lines. So… here are some support groups and resources for gay Mormons. The only one I participated in is North Star. The concept of North Star is unique and works for a lot of people — create a social network of gay Mormons who can support each other and create a community. The bad thing about it is there’s a lot going on behind the scenes (i.e., romance, exploration, etc.) that makes it a little volatile and is not the place for anyone who disagrees with the LDS Church’s stance on marriage equality.

One place you’re sure to find gay people — Cafe Ibis. I’ve heard gay people get together every Sunday around noon and call it “church”. If there are no gay people there, you’ll at least get to listen to live music and enjoy a cup of awesome coffee. Or you can just people watch and check out the counter culture on Federal Avenue. There’s a great sandwich place there too: The Italian Place so if you don’t like coffee or counter culture, you can get a good sandwich.

And if you just want to know where the nice people are in Logan, Utah, check out this Facebook group or follow John Dehlin on Facebook — he posts regularly about gay issues and get togethers. Ironically, a lot of allies have left the LDS Church or have mixed views on LDS history. It’s hard to find “faithful” or “true believing” Mormons who are okay with the gay.

For those of you Googling things like “gay sex in Logan Utah” or “gay missionaries in Logan Utah”, there’s an app for that.

And unfortunately there are no gay clubs in Logan, Utah. However, there is a gay club listed on FourSquare named Jordan but Google street view pulls up an elementary school. Someone has a sense of humor.