Bald Dudes Have It Easier These Days, According to the Times

Until scientists find an actual “cure” for baldness, dudes must choose from the following options: (a) ignoring it, (b) fighting it with hair plugs, weird creams, toupees, etc., or (c) just shaving their heads completely. A piece in today’s Times endorses the latter approach enthusiastically:

Shaving your balding head is like breaking up with someone before he or she can break up with you. Or like marching into your boss’s office and saying: “You can’t fire me. I quit.”

So, you men with thinning hairlines, seize your future! Or rather, seize your razor, march into the shower, and lather up! Don’t waste any time, because you’ve apparently got a lot of shopping and possibly some working out to do, too. The piece continues:

Now you have entered the Mr. Potato Head phase: You have a clean palette (or pate) on which to create your new look. Time to accessorize. After all, you don’t want your head looking as if it’s nothing more than a doughy thumblike appendage protruding from your collar. You need to give your potato definition.

Depending on your body type and profession, you have several options. There is the architect look, which typically would include flamboyant designer glasses and some sort of facial hair, like a stubble goatee or perhaps a Howie Mandel soul patch (not recommended). Rockers and artists can be creative with ear hoops, piercings, tattoos and maybe some zany sideburn carvings. Athletes and tough guys will probably want to forgo glasses, jewelry and facial-hair features for a whole-body approach that involves working out 24/7 until their bodies and heads coalesce into a kind of flawless, sexy über muscle upon which hair would look unnatural. At that point, they may want to accessorize with a tight T-shirt and wraparound sunglasses.

The writer makes no mention of the bottles upon bottles of sunscreen that a bald man should keep nearby at all times, but perhaps that goes without saying. Anyway, we’re glad things are looking up for baldies. It’s always so sad to see that guy who won’t take off his baseball cap.