Hi,
I'm a weather pixie. OK, stop laughing. I SAID, STOP LAUGHING, DAMN YOU.
Click here
if, for some ridiculous reason, you'd like to know more about the current
weather conditions in Knoxville, Tennessee.

Monday, 8/30/04-

Huh?

Wednesday, 8/25/04-
I got a strange spam e-mail this past weekend. Here it is verbatim...

Sergio Hoffmann,
25 y.o. psychotherapist, Germany: I have a very hard work, i always
had to listen about people's failures, about bad life et cetera.
All that problems affected my selxual activity, my wife was not
as happy as before with me. I tried Viagras - both genedric and
Pfdizer's, but they does not act as good and as long as i want it
to be. Finally, my colleague told me about Cialis and I ordered
it. The results were really better, trust me. I'd recommend it to
anybody with erection troubles. P.S.: By the way, you can mix Cialis
with alcohol without any harm! 80% off Phentermine, Xanax, viagra
Cialis, Soma Follow this link for more info: http://ixz.medz-store.com/s/?ordersecure

Did you notice
the sudden change halfway through the message? At the mere mention of
Cialis, the writer's diction and spelling improved dramatically. That
must be one helluva pill.

Monday, 8/23/04-Trust
me on this but don't ask me how I know:

You
can really bring an abrupt silence to a busy department store by screaming
out, "LEAVE MY NIPPLES ALONE!"

Wednesday, 8/18/04-

Coming
in November...

(click
on the humbnail image above for a larger view.)

Oh,
the horror...

Friday, 8/13/04-
Wow...
Friday the 13th is looking to be a truly unlucky day for the state of
Florida...

(click
on the humbnail image above for a larger view.)

By
the way, Hurricane Charley is what the ladies used to call me... before
the leafblower accident.

Tuesday, 8/10/04-
Damn...
this guy must
REALLY like his Xbox. (Check out the tanline on the
forehead of the guy on the right on that page.)

That
just goes to show you that you shouldn't take the law into your own hands...
you need to take it to the People's Court.

The
hell with the U.N., we need to invade Nigeria so that they can't use their
Weapons of Mass Sorcery (WMS) against the United States. A premptive strike
for the good of the children. THE CHILDREN.

And
while we're at it, let's knock out the Nigerians' spamming capabilities.

Hold
on a minute... let's not be too hasty...do they have any oil there?...

Monday, 8/9/04-
You
may or may not have figured out that the summer Olympics are starting
soon. I recently found the following in a back issue of my company's newsletter
dating back to 1996. I think I wrote about half of these, adding on to
a list that had been e-mailed to me...

The
Top 20 Problems EncounteredAlong
the Olympic Torch Route

20.
Forward progress is hampered by slow-moving white Bronco.(Okay, okay it WAS the year after the O.J.
trial!)19. Torch commandeered in Waco by overzealous ATF
agents.(Another dated joke.)18. One "really angry" Smokey the Bear.17. Budget cuts cause torch to be replaced by less-than-dependable
Bic lighter.16. Difficulty getting melted marshmallows off torch after
s'mores party got out of hand.15. Running seven miles before realizing torch is still on
top of magazine rack at the last rest stop.14. First-degree burns to runners unfamiliar with how to
"receive the baton."13. Jim Bob, lying in wait on the outskirts of Memphis with
a double-barrelled supersoaker.12. Valuable time is lost when torchbearer detours from route
to keep promise of a torch appearance at nephew's birthday party
at Chuck E. Cheese.11. Drive-by goosings.10. Torchbearer arrested for jaywalking.(Yes, that was bad. I apologize for that one.)9. Torch-jackings in urban areas.8. Male runners repeatedly get lost and refuse to stop for
directions.7. Torch temporarily extinguished by huge twister.6. Torch procession through ticker-tape parade in downtown
Manhattan proves to be a bad idea.5. An unfortunate incident along the route leads to the formation
of a new activist group... TADD (Torchbearers Against Drunk Drivers).6. Torch is stolen by renegade circus fire-eater.3. Torch groupies.2. Tailgaters.

And
the number one problem encountered along the Olympic torch route:

1.
Torchbearers driven insane by repeated playing of the "Chariots
of Fire" theme.

Hmmm... those
seemed funnier eight years ago.

Okay, now
I feel that I owe you something funny. So, check out Bruno Brozetto's
Olympics
Flash animation. And if you like that one, check two more of his cartoons
entitled Adam
and Yes
and No. Enjoy.

Saturday, 8/7/04-
Jonathan
Clark sent me some junk e-mail he received recently from a consumer debt
counseling service... for Christians. So, naturally I felt I had create
a spoof it by combining the religious theme with the most relentless,
mailbox-filling spam we all get...

Feel
free to distribute this as you see fit.

Friday, 8/6/04-
Today
marks the 4th Anniversary of WorldofLongmire.com. This award-losing website
originated on AOL about 7 years ago and then resided on another server
with a funky cryptic web address (http://user.icx.net/~longboy) before
it came to rest with a big wet crackle here. So, take a moment out of
your poontastic day and sing the praises of The Longmire!

Tuesday, 8/3/04-
Witness
this photo from a Baptist church near my house...

That's either a
volcano or a teepee.

This
is what happens when a church realizes that the regular Jesus stories
just aren't exciting enough anymore to entice youngsters to attend vacation
Bible school during the summer. They have to start making up stuff.

I'm
no Bible scholar, but I don't remember any place called Lava Lava Island
mentioned in the Bible, or do I recall Jesus having any adventures on
any island at all. If he did, I bet he battled a Tyrannosaurus Rex...
and won.

Lava
Lava Island, Where Jesus' Love Flows... IT'S HOT, BABY!

Monday, 8/2/04-
Turn
your speakers up and check out the sassy little background music I added
to the main page...