Thursday, September 17, 2015

Troy

Probably one of the most boring 58-0 games I've ever seen. But it's an acceptable type of boring, because it definitely beats a nail-biter against a joke of a school like Miami of the Ohio. I never checked their Twitter account after the game, but I'm going to safely assume they did not go back to the statistical analysis. At the end of the day, they learned with the rest of the teams on our schedule are going to learn themselves: Stave is fo' REAL. But it's not just Stave that has taken a leap: our receivers were steaming hot garbage last year. Well, they've been trash ever since Abbrederis left. Seeing their improvement this year has me thinking that coaching can really have a big effect on players - even in the short term. Wheelwright is out there snagging touchdowns away from his body like we always hoped he could. Erickson remains rock solid. Even Dare looked respectable in the passing game.Overall, you have to like what you've seen so far from the Badger passing attack, especially given that the rushing game has been borderline nonexistent so far. The Chyrst Effect? Perhaps.Now I just spend games hoping we don't get ahead by too much. Can't have them pulling Stave early and limiting his numbers. We've got a Heisman campaign to run here.#StaveHeisman

CHICAGO BADGERS: I'm traveling to the exotic land of MINNESOTA for a wedding, enjoy being able to get to Will's before kickoff without setting an alarm. That's what we live for.

WHO/WHERE/WHEN

CONFESSION: I LIKE THE MOVIE TROYI do! I don't know why... it's not good. It's not Braveheart, it's not The Patriot, it's not... any other sweet Mel Gibson battle movie. Brad Pitt's love affair with the princess he abducted is weird. His arms are LETHAL. When that army king guy yells boagriUSSSSSSSSSS I get all excited. Maybe that's it. I think I'm starting to hate this movie the more I simmer over it. Achilles dies from some dinky little arrow from Paris? LAME.THIS AIN'T TROY'S FIRST RODEOBecause they are the ULTRA RODEO CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD:

Troy University had one of the top collegiate rodeo programs in the nation. In 2007, Troy calf roper Ben Mayworth won the calf roping national championship at the National Finals College Rodeo in Casper, Wyoming.

That's right, powerhouse rodeo program in the middle of Alabama.

TROY'S MASCOT IS NAMED T-ROY

D-FENSE! T-ROY! We can all ignore that he only has 4 abs, right? Ol' T-Roy not a big fan of the decline sit-ups. Somebody's skimping on ab day and his name is T-ROY.

PS - T-_______, RANKED:

4) T-Pain

In case you're living under a rock, the 3 key points under the 'personal life' section for his wikipedia page are his wife/kids, a golf cart accident where he lost 4 teeth, and the day he cut off his dreads. DRAMA FOR DAYZ

3) T-Dog

PSA: I'm really kinda digging Fear The Walking Dead. The early stages of the zombie apocalypse are sneakily much more fascinating than the mid-game. How did people come to terms with zombies being a thing? When did society completely collapse and turn into a survival competition? Will this stupid show ever just acknowledge that the word 'zombie' is okay and just freaking say it?

That last part is something I haven't fully figured out yet. Are supposed to assume in the universe these shows occupy, fictional zombie lore was nonexistent? And that word literally does not exist? Baffling. Befuddling.

2) T-Rex

Now accepting donations. I VERY badly want this to be my Halloween costume, but $70 is a lot to drop given that there's no way that thing survives a Friday night Halloween party. Zero percent chance. But even comes with a little fan that keeps it blown up! And I can still drink through the oh wait no I can't you can't drink with T-Rex arms. DAMN. Why is there always a catch?PS - UPDATE: it's now sold out. This thing called life ain't fair.1) T-Bone

CURSE YOU NEIL WATKINS FROM ACCOUNTING

NOTABLE ALUMNI Now, we've been doing this section for years. And we've covered a lot of schools. There have been some universities positively brimming with amazing alums. There have been some schools that have a handful of interesting people that are worth cracking a joke or two about.But then there's Troy. I can't even begin to list them out because I've never heard of any of them and none of them have done ANYTHING of importance. Half of the notable media alums are Survivor/Big Brother contestants. No Troy graduate has EVER started a business. Even their athletes are meh at best.I'm too tired to try and twist this into something it isn't. This school sucks and they produce non-distinct mediocrity that doesn't deserve individual recognition.

Sad, not because I miss him. Sad because how the hell did we lose 3 games with him as our quarterback. How was that possible.4) Illinois, 2-0 (0-0). If they beat UNC on the road then they should automatically be in the playoff. Nothing else should matter.5) Northwestern, 2-0 (0-0). *waits patiently for the inevitable Northwestern disappointment*6) Iowa, 2-0 (0-0). I suppose two unimpressive wins are better than two unimpressive losses. Go Iowa!7) Nebraska, 1-1 (0-0). You may have heard, but the 49ers signed some Australian rugby player to their team this year. Normally, this would be a cute little story that everyone forgets about once the season starts. But during the 49ers/Vikings game on Monday, an Australian journalist decided to live blog the game despite knowing NOTHING about football. The results? ADORABLE:

Just so cute. But it really got me good when this happened:

Dropping The Rock references in an Australian live blog about American football? Does it get any better?

PS - Bro if you're gonna quote the best then you best get it right:

8) Minnesota, 1-1 (0-0). Dangerously close to 0-2, dangerously close to an ecstatic Brandon.9) Michigan, 1-1 (0-0). No, you're supposed to LOSE every game. Not win. Idiots.10) Maryland, 1-1 (0-0). If Under Armor is really trying to make Maryland their Oregon, I will be MOST upset. Why hasn't anyone graduated from UW and started a multibillion dollar apparel company? I demand that our athletes be spoiled to the brim with cool uniforms, otherworldly facilities, and the finest hookers recruits have ever seen.11) Indiana, 2-0 (0-0). Should you find yourself needing big turnovers to beat Florida International, then you probably should temper excitement over a 2-0 start.12) Purdue, 1-1 (0-0). LOL purdue13) Penn State, 1-1 (0-0). A struggle against buffalo is just what the doctor ordered after losing to TempleRutgers) Rutgers, 1-1 (0-0). I don't think 'shitshow' adequately describes Rutgers football. Can we trade them for Syracuse?

RANDOM MUSIC WE'RE DIGGING HARD THIS WEEK

One of Kanye's boys, which should be apparent by the incredible Yeezyness from this track. (DG)

MATCHUP TO WATCHStave's Continued Dominance vs. Feeling Bad About Embarrassing The Trojans. At some point in the third quarter, Stave is gonna be sitting on 400 yards and 6 touchdowns and Chryst is gonna have to make a really tough call: does he let his Heisman frontrunner keep going and possibly hurt T-Roy's feelings? Or does he call off the dogs and get Houston in there to pump the brakes? Tough call. That's why Chryst gets paid the big bucks. I know what I would do stavestavestavestave

THIS WEEK'S GAME IN HAIKUClement is still hurtBeginning to worry meNeed him for Hawkeyes

YOUTUBE

The latest installment in Stupid Videos That Really Get Me is a classic. You wanna know the dumbest part? I didn't even get the Chris P. part of the pig's name the first time through. I just thought the guy was losing his shit over a pig with the last name bacon. This is probably right up there with me realizing last week that photographers have people see 'cheese' for pictures because it makes your mouth contort into a smile. That shit blew my mind. I thought it was just some stupid thing photographers did to be annoying.I think adults are supposed to piece that one together after taking 10 million pictures. NOT THIS CAT.

I think mugs are dumb. Holding by the handle is uncomfortable and they don't stack at all. Plus I don't drink coffee, so I'm pretty far from the target mug audience.

I don't even fully understand what's going on here, I just know that virtual reality is spooky and amazing and I'm scared one day I'll get TRAPPED in it and not be able to get out. But at least I can draw a smokeshow Ariel and party?

Perhaps this should've been the stupid video of the week.

#FOODPORN

Gyros On The Spit, easily the best Greek spot I’ve found outside of Athenian Room. 5/5 would inhale again pic.twitter.com/3zCWBbFzRn

This place was so good that I went with co-workers on a Friday and then went AGAIN with my dad and brother the next day. A gyro is only as good as the meat it's made with, and this gyro meat was grade A USDA PRIME. Except greek and not American.PS - In case you were wondering why the Parthenon is the worst restaurant in Madison, it's because their meat is made with the stray cats and rats they find behind the building in the alley. That place is hot, steaming garbage.

That one STUPID building is just in the way. I was so excited when I went to grab a beer at the Bulls game back in April and noticed the skyline lit up. Naturally I spent half of the 1st quarter taking pictures in the concourse because I'm a nerd. The life of an amateur photographer is never easy.