Legitimate Questions About the Clinton Shoe-Thrower

A number of prominent conservative media commentators suspect that Hillary Clinton faked a scene last week in which she was nearly hit by a shoe. — Huffington Post

Why did Clinton seem to dodge a half-second after the shoe was thrown?

In the footage, Clinton awkwardly ducks backward well after the shoe sails past. But rewind the tape further. Twenty seconds before the shoe is thrown, Clinton checks her watch and then looks around and shrugs and mouths the words “Is it time, guys?” She then points to her own shoe and then points to her face and pantomimes getting knocked out by a thrown object. Did Clinton and her accomplices simply have a miscommunication about the exact timing of the shoe-throwing incident, which led to such an unconvincing performance?

Who really threw the shoe?

Was it thirty-six-year-old Alison Michelle Ernst, as most news outlets have reported? Or could the shoe have been thrown by someone else? Some witnesses later noticed other audience members exiting the building wearing only one shoe. Among them were: Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, the Presidential-pardon recipient Susan McDougal, the labor leader James P. Hoffa, Ilich Ramírez Sánchez (a.k.a. Carlos the Jackal), and the U2 frontman Bono.

Why didn’t the Secret Service respond more forcefully?

When protecting a former Secretary of State from a physical threat, one would expect a swift and harsh response from the Secret Service. However, eyewitnesses indicate that, instead of detaining Ernst, agents led her outside onto the street, where she was immediately released. One agent then called a car service to take her “anywhere she wanted to go,” while another presented her with a five-hundred-dollar Zappos gift card.

Does the question “Was that a bat?” have any other possible meanings?

Immediately after the shoe was thrown, a seemingly confused Clinton asked, “What was that? Was that a bat?” On the face of it, the intent of the question seems obvious: Clinton saw a small object flutter past her face through bright stage lighting and erroneously assumed it was a flying rodent. But listen to the audio again. Doesn’t it sound more like she’s saying, “Was that a ’bot?” Was Clinton expecting an armed unmanned aerial vehicle to arrive at the venue and silence her critics forever? Or perhaps there is a simpler explanation: B.A.T. may in fact be an acronym for “Benghazi Aversion Technique”—a private code used by Clinton’s inner circle to describe any action designed to deflect attention from the shameful security failings of the U.S. consulate in Libya.

What ties does Alison Michelle Ernst have to the Clintons?

There is no hard evidence indicating that Ernst didn’t enter into an illegal multimillion-dollar real-estate deal with the Clintons in the early nineteen-eighties. Furthermore, the whereabouts of a then fifteen-year-old Ernst on July 20, 1993—the date of Vince Foster’s “suicide”—are currently unknown.

Is Alison Michelle Ernst actually Bill Clinton in a wig?

Several commentators have noticed a striking physical resemblance between the alleged shoe-thrower and the forty-second President of the United States, who was strangely absent during the incident. Before the speech, some remembered Ernst giving firm double-grip handshakes to everyone in sight. Others recalled her joking in a thick Southern accent about how much she misses eating McDonalds but how she has had to carefully watch her diet since a 2004 quadruple-bypass surgery.

Was the thrown object actually a shoe?

It’s hard to make out much from the blurry footage of a brownish object flying past Clinton’s head, but pause and zoom in. Could it instead be a paper bag full of cash with a note attached that says, “Thanks for working tirelessly to advance our secret global agenda. Sincerely, the United Nations World Government”? I think it could.

Was the incident staged to make Hillary Clinton look “Presidential”?

After all, there is nothing like a sixty-seven-year-old person flinching after something is whipped at her head and then not understanding what happened to make her appear competent and authoritative. It calls to mind a similar incident, in 2008, when an Iraqi journalist threw his shoe at President George W. Bush. After Bush easily dodged the shoe, it was generally agreed that he was a pretty great President.