It happened this week

Andy Heller

TRAVERSE CITY — This week at one of his rallies, Trump told supporters that the same unnamed liberals who won’t allow us to say Christmas are now after Thanksgiving. “They don’t want to use the term Thanksgiving. But everybody in this room I know loves the name Thanksgiving and we’re not changing it.” Actually, I’m fine with changing it. I’d call Thanksgiving something prosaic like “That Day Where You Eat a Lot and Argue with Relatives,” and save the name Thanksgiving for Tuesday, Nov. 10, 2020. If things go right, I know I’ll be giving thanks that day.

– Dear Leader also this week referred to the German shepherd that chased down Ab#k Bakr al-Baghdadi as “it,” proving Trump has no soul. Dogs are not “its.” Dogs are people, too.

– This week also marked the fifth anniversary of the day President Obama wore a tan suit, causing Republicans to suffer strokes and clutch their pearls from coast to coast. My favorite quote that day was uttered by Republican Congressman Peter King, who said, “There’s no way I don’t think any of us can excuse what the president did.” Totally agree. I think the three darkest days in presidential history are when Jimmy Carter said he lusted in his heart, when George Bush Sr. barfed on the Japanese prime minister, and the tan suit scandal. How did we survive?

– I was glad to see Michigan senators Debbie Stabenow and Gary Peters join the chorus of Democrats this week calling for Stephen Miller, architect of Trump’s Muslim ban, to resign after an investigation by the Southern Poverty Law Center uncovered 900 emails linking him to white nationalist ideology. Miller is a repugnant human being in a building full of repugnant human beings. Someday, there will be an entirely new field of study devoted to understanding how we ever let this happen and why we put up with it for so long.

– My favorite Trump moment this week was him asking why no one had issued a commemorative coin for the centennial of women getting the vote before now. And if you don’t understand why that’s funny, you need to locate a dictionary and read the entries for the 19th Amendment and the word centennial.

– I wish they’d stop doing daily polls on whether Americans think the House should impeach Trump. Governing by polls is a terrible thing to do. The evidence is overwhelming that Trump, by his own admission, traded aid (basically, our money) for an investigation into his likely opponent. The House’s only job is to do its job and impeach him for it, regardless of whether the Senate will convict him, which it won’t.

– Gahan Wilson, one of the best, darkest and wittiest cartoonists ever, died this week but his work will live forever. One of my favorites was of a man reading an eye chart that said, “I am an insane eye doctor and I am going to kill you now as you sit reading this.”

– When you watch news, you see a lot of commercials for prescription drugs with stupid names like Nuggitenzo and Glob-o-flax. What I’ve learned from these commercials – other than I should “ask my doctor” – is that people with awful, horrible diseases apparently love attending carnivals and local rock concerts in parks. Maybe that’s a side effect: “Warning: Consumption of this product may lead to constipation, sudden death or taking part in activities events you would normally avoid like the plague.” And by the way, if you have the plague, there’s probably a pill for it. Ask your doctor.

– “Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too.” – Jimmy Buffett

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Andrew Heller, an award-winning newspaper columnist, appears weekly in the Daily Press. He graduated from Escanaba Area High School in 1979. Follow him at andrewheller.com and on Facebook and Twitter. Write to him at andrewhellercolumn@gmail.com