October 14, 2015

GUEST POST: What's it like for #1 When #2 is a process?

The other day my friend sent me this text: You want depressing? I just ordered ovulation strips.

After three rounds of IVF, which combined yielded over 40 eggs that resulted in something like three decent embryos, she found her "one good egg" on the last embryo. He's now 8 months old. But it took her several years and her official medical diagnosis was "mushy eggs" aka unexplained. But there is some issue there and as she heads closer to 40 than 30, she's up against a wall. Time to start trying.

I think about this too. But maybe I'm lucky. My one last shot is in a freezer in the Pacific Northwest. I never thought I'd say that I'm lucky that my ovaries are pretty much toast at this point. But in a way, I've had the time to let them go and the pressure to get them to perform just isn't there. I have zero expectations. And I have Momo. The most incredible little being I've ever met. She's got two little shark teeth and is started to crawl. And even though I cannot for the life of me imagine having two of these little people, I too need to start thinking about this sooner rather than later. But the question that often pops into my head is what is it like for child #1 to experience the process of trying for #2?

I can't answer that. But many of you reading can, and my guest blogger here can. While I've never had a guest blogger, I thought this could be a different perspective. Her name Jen Noonan. She a passionate infertility advocate who attempts to destigmatize the shame and guilt surrounding infertility and miscarriage. She recently published a memoir called In Due Time about a non-traditional way of creating a family, from start to finish. Here's what she has to say about trying for #2:

A Child in Waiting

Infertility is all consuming. Thoughts of “Will I ever hold a baby in my arms?” dominate your daily life. When you finally have the baby you’ve desired for months, or even years, your thoughts often turn to “How will I add to my family?”

If it took years to have your first child, you might be overwhelmingly grateful, feel blessed to have one, and stop pursuing another. However, I adamantly believe that most people do not begin their family planning wanting only one child. Some do, but most don’t.

Fortunately it took us only eleven months (with medical assistance) to conceive our first son. In saying that, I felt like it took forever, and I was devastated each month when my period arrived. I felt ashamed and embarrassed for having to pursue medical help, and was angry with my body for failing to do what so many other women were able to do naturally. When we began trying for a second, I assumed my body would know what to do.

I felt fortunate again when we got pregnant for the second time after only one round of medication. Fantastic. It worked! But then it didn’t. Our baby stopped growing at 12 weeks gestation, and things went downhill from there for the next few years as we endured failed medicated cycles, failed IUI’s, and a failed frozen embryo transfer, attempting to add to our family.

From 18 months to 3 ½ years old, my son witnessed his mommy cycle through depression, anger, anxiety, hope, devastation, and joy. I was his stay at home mom where I was supposed to be enjoying all of his firsts, all of his milestones. Instead, I spent a decent amount of time crying over failed reproductive procedures, running back and forth to doctor appointments, scrutinizing bloodwork results, researching what was wrong with me, having playdates with moms who had two children under two, giving myself injections, and screaming about the unfairness of it all.

Apparently a child’s personality is formed within the first six years of life. I spent many days believing I was screwing up my child because I was not able to emotionally heal from the miscarriage and failed attempts to have another child. Screwing him up because I was not always able to dance, sing, and be silly with him. Screwing him up because I was sad that we were no closer to giving him a sibling.

My son was a toddler and preschooler while we were trying to conceive our second. He didn’t possess a realistic awareness of what was happening to his family. Or so I thought. He would occasionally ask “Why is mommy crying?” which would always break my heart. Even though I am a counselor by trade, and I advocate for everyone to talk about their issues, I wasn’t able to with my own son. I believed I was protecting him from getting hurt, when in reality, he was always picking up on my anxious energy, and reacting with tantrums. I occasionally put aside my fertility concerns, but anyone who has been through any type of fertility challenge knows how difficult this can be.

I felt constant pressure to give my son a sibling, even though he did not verbalize the desire, nor request this of me. I assumed that it would be beneficial for his growth and development, despite all of the studies that document how only children thrive socially and academically. My son wasn’t putting pressure on me. I was putting pressure on me.

In the end, we were fortunately able to add to our family. My son and his brother are nearly four years apart in age, when originally they were supposed to be two. I cannot take any of the “damage” back, and who knows if it was damaging? I can however, attempt to discuss what happened with him as he grows older and becomes more aware of how he and his brother were brought into this world. If personality research is anything to go off of, I have another full year on my side! I did the best I could given the circumstances, and I can only hope that was good enough.

Jen, wow someone else with male factor who nonetheless conceived their first child immediately! Your story sounds exactly like ours. I am so sorry you had a miscarriage. As if you haven't gone through enough. I am 17 weeks with an adopted embryo today and still scared of miscarrying. I call it PTSD.
It is heartbreaking when your first wants a sibling but I don't think their desire is as strong as the parents'. It helped me to see our daughter voicing a desire for a sibling - or just saying "I don't think you're going to have a baby Mommy" which she did say - it helped to see it as a passing comment. She voiced her thought and a minute later she was back to playing princesses (while I quietly despaired).
Britney you are so right to be grateful. Every time I am resentful of what we've been through or jealous of someone else's IVF success (it never worked for us) I remember to be grateful we fell pregnant with our first immediately and had a blissful start with no shadow of infertility yet

Congrats to those of you who are currently pregnant and those who conceived via donor egg! Jen - I can appreciate how it must have felt to have your daughter ask about a sibling. We waited until 19 weeks to tell our son that we were having a second because I just couldn't stand the thought of it not working out and having to tell him. Cortney - I am in awe of those who travel out of state / country to CCRM. I don't think I could do it. Fortunately CCRM is a 20 minute drive from my house, so it was a no-brainer. Oh, and I have to say that my older son recently turned 5. He is happy, healthy, academically advanced for his age, and thriving socially. Neglected to mention that in my guest post! :-) I still feel guilty for past behaviors, but it doesn't seem to have affected him in a negative way. Best wishes to you all!

I wanted to say that during my journey with secondary fertility, your blog really helped me, even though our journey's were much different. At 29 (me) and my husband (34) we conceived our daughter the first month we tried. Fast forward to when she was 14 months and we started tying again and were given the male factor infertility diagnosis and started undergoing treatment. My daughter was there the day I got my period after our first cycle failed and saw me crying and crying (she was almost 2). She was around for the depression, the frustrations, all of it. I tried my best to be as happy as I could be around her, and really, she was sometimes the one thing that made me happy during that miserable time. Then in July we got to tell her that she was going to be a big sister, only to lose that baby less than a week later. She witnessed our miscarriage and the depression that followed, but like I said, she was often the only person that could make me feel better so I spent as much time as possible with her. Right now, I am 11 weeks pregnant and so scared and worried about the baby most of the time. My daughter knows about the baby and the way she wants to rub my belly and won't let me lift her out of the car anymore because "Mama has baby" just melts my heart but I also worry so much about if we have to tell her some very sad news. Its hard! Whether you struggle with primary, or secondary, its so hard. She has been asking for a baby sister for over a year and it would just tear me up inside that I couldn't give that to her. I even witnessed her at daycare when seeing her friend's baby sibling, she looked down and had a very sad look on her face and actually said "My baby brother is at home." This was way before I was even pregnant. She just was sad that she didn't have one. It was all I could do to keep my tears from falling in front of everyone. Best wishes for everyone who has or is still struggling with infertility. My heart forever goes out to you.

I must agree with Britney. We have struggled with infertility for past 3 years. Our budget, relationships, sanity, work, suffered a lot because of this. The whole life turned up side down. After 2 ivf, 3 iui, 1 miscarriage, we are 13 weeks pregnant with donated embryo.
Each day is a milestone. I am on bed rest due to hematomas. At this point if God helps us and we will be blessed with this child I can't even imagine going through the same for no.2. We are too fragile, bruised and simply scared. The only possible no. 2 would be adopted child as I always wanted to help a child.

I have struggled with infertility for the past 5 years and after adopting an embryo, we now have the most amazing 4 month old daughter. She was meant to be ours. I am so grateful everyday for her. The key to happiness is to be grateful. I don't know if it's possible that she will have a sibling but I will not put her through the stress or neglect that infertility can cause. You need to ask yourself if having another child is what is best for your family or if trying to bring another child into this world is going to disconnect you from enjoying the child you already have.

I'm hearing you. We made decisions about our infertility procedures partly due to our already having a child. For example, we didn't want to travel to a clinic (like CCRM) because it would be too difficult on our family. Needless to say, I was still going through so much emotional stuff for the year of her life that she was 4 that she I wasn't present emotionally a lot, and I still feel bad about that. It did finally work for us and we're expecting in a few months, but if it didn't, we were going to move on to donor egg because it was just too hard on the family.

Thank you Jen. I believe she would not have had selective mutism for a time had we not had secondary infertility. It was a manifestation of the toll infertility took on our family. But, especially since we are finally pregnant again (16 weeks!), we are rejoicing as survivors!

C - I am truly humbled by your journey. I have heard of selective mutism, but never within an infertility situation. That's a first. So great that she was able to overcome it, and congratulations on your pregnancy! I agree that the wounds and scars are still deep even afterwards. However, I am able to be much more present with my second than I was with my first.

Thank you! We got pregnant with our daughter on the first try, which truly was a miracle. When she was not yet two and a half we got our infertility diagnosis: severely low sperm counts. So she witnessed our grappling with this diagnosis and coming to terms with even having to do IVF, then having to accept that even IVF would not be enough and we would need third party help. She witnessed our rounds of failed IVF (poor response) and what the hormones and emotions did to me. She suffered. She was diagnosed with selective mutism at age four. But we never discussed infertility with her because she couldn't understand. Have you ever seen a picture that is abstract enough to be either dolphins swimming or a couple in an intimate embrace? Innocent children cannot see the couple, only the dolphins, which is as nature intended. Since we didn't know if we would ever be able to have another child we didn't want to burden her with something she couldn't grasp. She knew there was a problem but we didn't emphasize any "lack" in her being an only child. This was our family, a one-child family, no big deal. Since we didn't make an issue of her not having siblings (no praying at night for God to give a sibling!) she didn't really care. If the parents are happy the child is too. With therapy she overcame her selective mutism diagnosis, which I think was related to the first year of rebellion against IVF and emotional discussions that took place in front of her at age two when we learned we had infertility. Exactly five years after starting to "try" for a sibling we were finally able to tell her she will be a big sister, thanks to embryo adoption. She is happy, we are happy, yes we all have scars from this terrible illness but that is life. There will be 7 years difference between our children and I'm pregnant at 38 when I planned to have my third and last at 35, but we have finally come to accept that God decides, not us. Sorry for another long post!

Wow. So many parallels to my story. Thanks so much for sharing yours!! Isn't it amazing how we set out on this journey assuming we'll create the family we've always dreamed of, and then life happens on it's own terms. So humbling!

We got pregnant with our first on our second month of Clomid. We started trying again when she was 1, got pregnant, wrote in her baby book that she was going to be a big sister but sadly miscarried our second little love,. We spent the next 3 years of our daughter's life trying to expand our family. As she grew up, she'd ask why I couldn't hold her, why I was crying, why Daddy was giving me an ouchie. It was hard, even harder when she would say her night time prayers and ask for a baby or ask why all her friends had babies.

For me, one of the most difficult struggles I felt on a daily basis was where do we draw the line of going in debt for the family we want vs taking care of the family we had. How long would we try and at what expense to our sweet girl? After failed IUIs and IVFs, we became pregnant on our last attempt, last embryo. Today, our oldest is 5 and is absolutely in love with her baby sister. Their love is amazing!

I have always dreamed of 3 kids, but we have decided we can't try again because the financial burden is too high for our family as we are still paying off our sweet girl. Sometimes it's shocking to me that the fertility wounds and scars are still so raw and deep even when you are holding your miracle baby. I'm hoping to find peace in the precious size of my family so I can fully be present and enjoy every minute with them.