Fanny, as you may have read on a toilet wall, loves to play the lottery and has a thing about coloured balls. Yes, my latest collection of multi-coloured sponge anal beads is actually numbered 1 to 59 and these small, comfortable balls have been known to pop out of their resting places at the most inopportune moments. The surfacing of an anal bead - or even two at the same moment - even during a dinner date or an evening of fine opera, is a great way to pick lottery numbers! Although it does give me a bout of indigestion.

Lovely squidgy anal beads, all carefully numbered. When they randomly pop out from my crack it makes for a great way to chose lottery numbers.

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Guess what? I just won £33 million. What an amazing coincidence! How did my numbers come up? Well, it's a little trick I learnt as a child in the boring 1980s, watching Blue Peter. You're going to need some scissors, some sticky-back plastic (in other words, sellotape) and a little bit of patience. Carefully, note down the six winning lottery numbers, and then, retain your old lottery ticket which didn't win jack-shit. Then, go out and buy a new lottery ticket, using last night's six winning numbers. Back at home, using the scissors, cut off the bottom half of the new lottery ticket, showing all six winning lottery numbers, and using the sticky-back plastic/sellotape, carefully sellotape the old ticket's date and time on top of the new ticket, making one new ticket. There you are! You now have a winning ticket. As Blue Peter used to say, "here's one I made earlier".

As it turns out, I sent my maid of work, Basil, out to Lottery Headquarters with the (*sniggers out loud, uncontrollably*) winning ticket. It was the least I could do in exchange for the lovely runny boiled egg breakfast she served me this morning, which, in other words, was a recipe of salmonella. Basil's pudgy, unmanicured fingers snatched the sellotaped lottery ticket from my hand like a half-starved peasant and she was off at the speed of a greyhound after a hare.

"I can taste it now, Fanny" she chortled as she went out the door, "all that lovely fizzy champagne they give you when you win gushing down my throat. I'm going to buy a Ferrari. Thank you so much for allowing me to go and collect the money on your behalf".

Saturday, 16 January 2016

One of my New Years Resolutions was to try a different sex position every day with my Brazilian dream-boat, Juan. So, being the debauched Latin lothario that he is, Juan stripped me naked and hung me from the chandelier by my pearl necklace. After that, we tried the Madame Butterfly position, followed by The Brazilian Bedlock, The Bicycle Pump and last, but by no means least, the Moon over Miami position. You could say I'm a bit of a sexual gymnast!

About Me

My name is Fanny Love. Described by the media as "like Alice in Wonderland, on acid",
I'm a Texan-born transvestite, who also happens to be a part-time super model, celebrated authoress and occasional shoplifter. I adore the company of beautiful young men at my isolated country estate in the English countryside. Join me on my unorthodox travels around little England, accompanied by Juan (my pin-up Brazilian chauffeur) and my two adorable dogs, Mr. Puffywuffycutesweetgummywummygumdrop (a rainbow-dyed poodle) and Brenda (a 3-year old Doberman bitch with an obsession about red stilettos).