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one of my favs- supermans flying over holliwood and sees wonderwomen lying starkers in her garden sunbathing,less all squ withe.he thinks wow with my speed i could fly down,be in and out and gone before she can even open her eyes.so this he does.whoosh hes gone!! wonderwomen blinks shakes her head and say bloody hell,what was that?and the invisable man says i dont know but it bloody hurt!!!

Here's one that got sent to me.... got to warn you, it's gonna make you go

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I'll pray for you.

This story is about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had gotten him back pretty good.

About Twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what the matter was. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, And today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and theywere in a mall for the first time in their lives. The fatherand son were strolling around while the wife shopped.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially bytwo shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slideback together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, Idunno. I ain't never seed anything like dat in my entirelife; I ain't got no idea'rwhat it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, afat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving wallsand pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolledbetween them into a small room. The walls closed and the boyand his father watched the small circular number above thewalls light up sequentially.They continued to watch until it reached the last number andthen the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Thenthe walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-oldblonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, saidquietly to his son,

little boy wants bike for birthday...tells mom.mom tells him he's bad and to go to room and write letter to Jesus and confessboy writes letter: Jesus I've been good, want bike.then rips it up and starts over:Jesus, I'v been ok, want bike.rips it up and again:Jesus, want bike......then goes downstairs and asks to go to church. mom is proud of son. they go to church and he even goes to the alter.....and takes the statue of Mary!...gets home and sets her so carefully on his dresser.... then writes another letter:

Dear Jesus, I've got your mama. If you ever want to see her again you'll get me that bike.

lmao. its all too funny.. Luv the egg one.heres some sayings..5 tips for women!!1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.5. It is important that these four men don't know each other. and One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:"If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts."

The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire someone and he had it narrowed down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The Boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never had to do this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

90 year old frail man lying on his deathbed gasping for breathknowing the end was drawing near,when this wonderful aroma wafted up the stairs and brought a tear to the old man's eyeit was the smell of scones, his favourite food, his wonderful wife of 60 years was baking his favourite scones, he crawled out of bedcrawled slowly down the stairs and into the kitchen, he reached up his frail and wrinkled hand to the table when he got a huge wack from a wooden spoonand his wife bellowing ... F..k Off! they are for the funeral!!

Three Blondes are walking on the beach and find a bottle in the sand.They open it and out comes a genie. He looks at them and see's the three women and says to them.Since I can only grant three wishes then I will grant each one of you one wish each.So he looks at the first and ask her what she wants as her wish.The first Blonde says; I want to be twice as smart as I am now!The genie claps his hands and the wish is granted.He looks at the second woman asks her the same question.She lokks at him and says; I want to be twice as smart as you made her!The genie claps his hands and the wish is granted.He then turns to the last Blonde and ask her what she would like.She raises her eyebrow as she looks at the other women and tells the genie;"You know it would be nice to be twice as smart as you made the first."Even better to be twice as smart as you made the second woman, BUT,"You know, I want to be half as smart as I am now.The genie looks at her and claps his hands and her wish is granted.The genie made her a MAN.

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life"."Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account"."If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each".

"However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent,places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tellshim...."You screw her again!"

Now thats funnyA man is in a bar & eyeing up the women, he see's a women in the corner laughing withher mates. He goes over to her & asks her if she would like to go home with him! She replies " sorry but i'm on my MENSTRAL CYCLE " To which he answers " no problem, i have MY CAR OUTSIDE YOU CAN FOLLOW ME!!!!!

Little Patrick asked for a bike for his birthday.His Dad replied " We would get you one but our mortgage is $80,000 and your Mum has lost her job."Next day Patrick walked out with his suitcase packed.His Dad asks "Where you going son?"Patrick replied "I walked past your room last night & heard you tell Mum you were pulling out, then I heard Mum tell you to wait coz she was comin too. I'm not staying here on my own with an $80,000 mortgage and no f..kin bike"

--------Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?" --------

a drunk is walking down the road and walks into a church whilst there is a christeninggoing on, the drunk walks upto the priest, the priest is not happy so he dunks the drunk in the holly water for 10 sec pulls him out and say have you found god yet?the drunks says no, so the priest dunks him for 20 sec pulls him out and says have you found god yet?the drunk says no so the priest dunks him for 30 sec and pulls him out and says have you found god yet?the drunk reply are you sure this is where he fell in?

For his birthday little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $180,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it. The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $180,000 mortgage and no bloody bike!"

A Man notorious for his early partying days, found religon and joined the seminary. About to give his first sermon, he peeked through the curtains and was a bit apprehensive about the large congregation. The old Father sensed this and said "Son, put a little vodka in your drinking water, no one will be the wiser and it will help you relax. Upon pouring, the new priest slipped and poured almost the entire bottle in the pitcher. With no time to cut it, he went out and preached Fire and Brimstone!Afterwards, he came back and said to the old Father:"Well DAD, how'd I do?!?!"The old Father replied;"not bad, but you made a few mistakes I'd like to point out;""First, there were 10 commandments, not 12 suggestions, there were 12 disciples, not 10 "groupies". David, well, he "slew" Goliath, he did not knock the shit outta him."We don't refer to the Father Son and Holy Ghost as "Big Daddy, the late JC, and Little Spook", and lastly, next Sunday there is a taffy pulling contest at St. PETER'S, not a peter pulling contest at St Taffy's"

this one isn't near as funny as some .. but oh well.. and it's long too, but i will try to make it short.. a really huge lady went to get a pap smear.the doc whispered to the nurse, " be right back, I want the other nurse to see this"The huge lady is getting worried, thinking she must have some terrible disease...The doctor returns with the other nurse, and whispers "isn't that the biggest vagina you have ever seen?"(are we allowed to say **** in here?)The tests all come out ok, the huge lady is sitting at home thinking "I'm not that big !!", and takes off her clothes.too big to see she takes off the mirror from the bathroom medicine cabinet and straddles it to see.her husband walks in and says "what the hell are you doing?"she replies, "why , honey, I'm just doing my step arobics!"he says "well, don't step in that big hole in the floor"..