how soap can revolutionize a man’s undercarriage

For years, I’ve watched as the privileged peddle products they’ve received in the mail while figuring out cute ways to toss in something that wittily alludes to something resembling a required disclosure statement not unlike the 6-font exculpatory clauses I hide in the contracts of adhesion I pass to unknowing clients under the guise of “this shit will get you paid!” every day. But not me.

I decided to break that tradition, however, when emails vaguely resembling the following dialogue were passed between my inbox and some marketing dude’s from New York:

Him: So, would you like to help with a campaign for Dove Men + Care this fall?Me: Just what are you implying, bitch?Him: That all men need to be clean and smell good?Me: As long as you’re not singling me out…okay. I’ve actually been a Dove soap user since my first year of college, when my friend Jim Bob carried a pink bar into the community showers at our shared dormitory. I think I insulted his masculinity.Him: That’s not really what we’re looking for here…Me: No! You interrupted me! He said it made his skin soft and smooth like his sister’s backside!Him: I really don’t think …Me: And I’ve been using it ever since. Other than its propensity to melt quickly in the soap tray, I dig it!

And so, I got a box full of the above-pictured items in the mail. And I used them. So I emailed the guy from New York again:

Me: Dude! I took those supplies with me to a conference in St. Simons Island last week, and nobody commented on my odor! Even after going for a run on the beach!Him: Is this a rarity for you?Me: Who’s the talent, and who’s the crew here, asshole?Him: I’m going to assume that’s rhetorical.Me: In any event, I liked the loofa, shower gel stuff, soap, and deodorant. But the real test was when I got home after being away from the Mrs. for 4 nights!Him: Yeah? How’s that?Me: Because my balls smell horrible after a marathon love making session! And I mean, HOR-RI-BLE.Him: You know, I don’t think we particularly need you to write anything about your experience with Dove after all…Me: Wait! I had a quick, post-coital shower, used that body wash stuff rigorously on the underside of my scrotum, scratched my balls, and then sniffed my hand, and that SHIT WAS LIKE LILACS IN SPRING!Him:Me: When do I get my next batch of products to review?Him:Me: Hello?