In honor of one of my Philcon panels today, “Muppets! Muppets! Muppets!” I am reprinting a piece I originally published on the now-defunct Yahoo! Contributor Network.

The new Muppet movie, “The Muppets,” will relaunch the brand with the classic characters, along with some new faces. After so many years, the Muppets are like old friends — or better yet, like family. So who’s who in our Muppet family?

No matter how perfect your real dad might be, there’s no way he’s as patient, as gentle, and as understanding as Kermit. The soft-spoken father figure of the Muppet clan leads his misfit crew with TLC, offering support and advice where necessary, mediating disputes, and occasionally sending family members to their (dressing) rooms. Even his rage is cute.

Dad remarries to a glamorous diva who never really wanted children to begin with (unless they’re part pig). She insists on being called “Miss Piggy” and will never answer to “Mom.” But at times she is a lot of fun: telling stories about the celebrities she’s met, demonstrating her martial arts skills, and singing us to sleep with operatic bedtime lullabies.

Just about everyone has one: the uncle whose bachelor pad is festooned with a quirky collection of his personal memorabilia, the one who makes archaic references you don’t get but that make your dad go “tsk-tsk.” The guy who has absolutely no idea other people think he’s odd, even while he’s wearing skates, balancing a bowling pin on his head, and juggling chickens. At times, it’s hard to believe he’s related.

Rowlf is the uncle who’s in a band, gives you backstage passes for his concerts, and teaches you how to play chords. He tells you that you’re talented and introduces you to all his cool music-making friends. Even though Kermit is the perfect father figure, there are times you wish that, instead of plinking away on his wimpy little banjo, he’d rock out on the keyboards with a bluesy growl like Rowlf.

Ever since he was born, older brother Fozzie was convinced he was destined for greatness. Unfortunately, his chosen profession was comedy, and as everybody knows, Fozzie isn’t terribly funny. But with plenty of support from dad Kermit (after all, he even put Fozzie in his show), Fozzie continues to follow his dreams. He might still be living in his old bedroom, but he knows one day he’ll make it big, get his own place, and bask in the adulation reserved for a star.

While Fozzie is a dreamer, Scooter is practical, which is why he helps run the family business, serving as a stage manager for the Muppet Theater. Everybody knows that someday it will be him and not Fozzie who takes over for dad Kermit. He is young but detail-oriented and eager to please. If you need someone to fix your computer, ask Scooter.

Retirement was the best thing to ever happen to Statler and Waldorf; it freed them from any real responsibilities. Now they can just sit back and criticize the world around them. If you listened to just their words, you’d think they hated everything their family does. But as much as they claim that sitting through it is sheer torture, they make sure to get a box seat to every performance.