My name is Lindsay, I am 28 and a month ago at the age of 4 months my beautiful son Jackson died. I felt that my life was over and that I was standing in a dark hole not sure how I was going to get out. This blog will be my way of dealing with my loss and hopefully help someone else who has lost their child. Maybe together we can help eachother heal and learn to live again. I will never be 100% but hopefully everyday will be a little bit better then the day before.

Jackson

November 2nd 2009 - February 28th 2010

“No day will ever erase you from the memory of time”

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

When I look at the last 2 years of my life its hard to believe that your gone. It feels like forever since I heard you talk, or cry or just held and rocked you to sleep. My heart breaks everytime I see a picture of you and know that your not coming back. I can remember the day you left us so vividly it has been haunting me in my dreams at night.

There are many people who will never understand what its like to lose a child but know that it never goes away. That little piece of my heart is still broken and it has never gone away. I wish that you were here to watch you grow up with your little sister, to drive her crazy and cut the hair of her barbie dolls. I hope in some way you still watch over her.

I don't want to talk about the day you left us because I want to remember the happier times we had you, before you got sick. Today I remember you for all the things you taught me and showed me in your short but meaningful life. I love always and forever my baby boy.

Monday, February 20, 2012

No one will ever know the grief of losing a child, unless they to have lost one themselves. Many people don't seem to get that. February is slowly creeping to an end, which also means that the day that Jackson died is also creeping closer. This year will be two years since he has died. I read on another mommies blog describing the second year of loss is like being punched in the throat. I think she nailed it. I'm trying not to stress out too much about it, because my pregnancy doesn't need anymore stress.

After finding out we were having a girl my husband and I had to decide whether we were going to paint his room or make up another room for her. Everytime I went into his room I couldn't do it. I need to leave the space as it is, even just to have a place to go and remember him. Some people don't seem to understand why we are doing that and frankly I don't care. That was his room and for now it will stay that way, it will be a place where my nephews or nieces can stay when they come to visit.

No one has yet to ask me if I'm over losing Jackson. Hopefully the people around me are smart enough not to. The only thing I have been able to get over is me thinking it was my fault that he died. I will never get over losing Jackson though. No matter how many years go by and even after having other children. He will always be missing and our famiy.

About Me

My name is Lindsay. November 2nd, 2009 I became a mother to a beautiful baby boy that we named Jackson. He was perfect and wonderful, he even came out with a full head of red hair. On February 28th, 2010 I went the through the worst tragedy any mother could go through. My Jackson died. I took him the the hospital because his cold wasn't getting any better and within 24 hours my son died. I miss him every minute of everyday. He was the best part of our life and always will be.

The night before Jackson's funeral I wrote a poem. I never intended on it going any further then myself. Then I read it to my boyfriend, mom and dad. She thought that at the funeral that I should get someone to read it.

I sat and thought about someone else reading the words I wrote about Jackson. I wanted to read those words but I knew that it would be hard to read them but I had to do it for Jackson. This is what I read for him.

I never thought this day would come, it wasn't suppose to be this way. We only had 4 short months to laugh and sing and play. I spend my waking hours thinking how unfair is this, you were a little boy who brought so much joy to everyone you met. Now I have to say my final goodbye to you, still hoping that tomorrow that this is all untrue. I waited 9 months to meet you and I can wait a little more until I someday too, knock on heavens door. In the meantime while I wait I will hold your memory tight and share with those who knew, exactly what you meant to me and that you were my dream come true. Now I will let your spirit go, with all the love I have and be as strong as you were when mommy and daddy asked. Don't forget the lessons that we tried to teach, and don't forget to send us a sign when the other side you've reached. So keep that piece of my heart you took, I will be just fine because no one could ever replace it even if they tried. Then one day when we meet again we will just get a little glue, and put it back together all red and shiny and new. I love you always and forever Jackson, you are and always will be my beautiful blue eyed, red haired boy