February 27, 2008

A couple things

Before I get to Ro-Beast Rollie's Rednesday Rhetoric. First, I want to thank Alan for making the new banner that you see up on the top of this page. You can thank him personally by clicking on The Daily Speed Hump over in the links column.

Next, I wanted to say I tried three low calorie Snapple drinks. Kiwi Pear (metabolism) sucks. Goji Punch (immunity) does not. Snapple Acai Mixed Berry Red Tea is nothing special, but not repulsive. I've got some shit called Accelerade on deck for next week. It's a crazy sports drink that has protein in it.

One more aside. I think the impetus for the smartassishness of my youth came from my hours and hours of reading Mad and Cracked. "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions" was always one of my favorite segments and I've never been able to shake that desire to give people the least straight answer. Here I am twenty years later still pretending that I'm auditioning for their pages with my own ripoff feature. So thank you, Al Jaffee for the inspiration.

OK, here we go, Meat and Potatoes. As always, the source for these questions are from USA Today (but this time, not) today. I think the newspaper is on to me though. There are fewer rhetorical questions in the pages this week, so I'm expanding my sample set a bit.

Should NCAA get tougher?If it were any tougher, it would be the NAACP.

Are we poisoning our kids in the name of protecting their health?According to Bono de la Rocha, we are "Killing in the Name of Love."

What are negative, damaging words doing to the morale of our troops?Driving them to download naked pictures of your mothers en masse.

Are any politicians willing [to] do that? (Yes, that typo was in the paper)Politicians will do anything for love (but they won't do that).

Do democrats have an escape plan?The Democratic Escape Plan will forever be Destro's Secret...

What area of the USA has the lowest average temperature in the summer?Easy. It's somewhere the sun don't shine: Butte, MT.

"(Sex) is a gift from God. If you don't want to speak about it, don't. But for those of us who do, why not?" Hey Janet Jackson, you don't have a single writing credit on your own album. You are not speaking about a god damned thing

Her favorite Oscar moment?When Oscar was yanked out of the garbage can by the Sesame Street sex crime unit after a particular heated, public masturbatory rant and it was discovered that instead of legs, he has a giant green penis with telescoping tripod arms that normally act as tension rods as long as he is erect, but for once, he took a good look at Big Bird's hairy, pear shaped body and realized he didn't feel the intense sexual attraction anymore and went over the deep end. That was the day Mr. Hooper died. It was not a coincidence.

Why are millions of women, including a significant slice of the YouTube generation, obsessed with the complicated sex life of a murderous tyrant who has been rotting in his grave since 1547?What women?

Looking for the perfect baby shower present?Yes, I think my monitor just got impregnated with twins.

Don't we keep getting dumber?Doesn't us keeping to be gotten dumbestly? Yarsheerybobblehead!

Buried in Credit Card Debt?Eat your ovaries.

What can a champion do when he seems to have no limits?He can forecast the weather. Accurately and Fabulously.

Will the USA's dominantly Protestant cultural landscape soon be overwhelmed by these changes?Totally. Team "None of the Above" is apparently giving everyone else quite a run for their money, even if "In God We Trust" is still printed on it. We just need a tough candidate that will stand up for our anti-religious agenda, like Sabretooth. He's not Canadian, is he?

I moved since filing my 2007 tax return. How will I get my rebate?If you're one of the 40 million obsese adults in the US, you didn't fucking move at all. If you want your rebate, get off the fucking couch and jog to the mailbox.

Can Tiger Woods go undefeated?Undefeated in being mentioned every single fucking day in the sports section of USA Today? I think his streak is still quite alive.