Is a 1982 Mitsubishi Colt better than a Bugatti Veyron?

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

This road test aims to answer the most asked question of all time – is a 1982 Mitsubishi Colt better than a Bugatti Veyron? In order to answer this question, the reviewer obtained both cars, drove them around for a few minutes (the reviewer could not afford to hire the Veyron for any more than seven minutes, so the same treatment was given to the Colt), and weighed up the pros and cons of the two cars.

Contents

2006 Bugatti Veyron

For driving, the Veyron is faultless. What’s that I hear you say? Did you just say “it’s impossible for anything to be completely faultless?” WRONG, ASSHOLE! The Veyron accelerates at an infinite rate, has an infinite top speed, and can easily take 90 degree corners at any speed without losing any grip, somewhat like a Batmobile for the average Joe. Likewise, sitting in the Veyron is the most comfortable thing a human can possibly experience.

There is no point in continuing to describe the driving experience the Veyron provides here. It would just be cruel to make you that jealous, assuming you aren't already.

The 1982 Mitsubishi Colt

The 1982 Mitsubishi Colt. The image is not pixelated - The car is. The rear wheels were photoshopped into the image as an advertising gimmick.

Upon first viewing the Mitsubishi Colt, I screamed. It was without doubt the ugliest thing I had ever seen, except perhaps for a Chrysler PT Cruiser (you know, the car with the stupid grille that looks like a malformed VW Bug). I tried to look away from the car while entering it to avoid being too disgusted. At first, I was unable to open the driver’s door of the car. After pulling the door handle harder, the door snapped in half and fell off its hinges. Since the seatbelts were also broken, I had to be careful to avoid falling out of the car while driving it.

I was unsurprised to find that the Colt had no CD player, air conditioner, spare tire or rear wheels. The front wheels powered the car, while the rear end simply dragged along the ground. I attempted to wind the passenger window down, but found that the manual window winder thingy did not work.

It took me about one minute to put the car into first gear, due to the extremely dodgy gearstick and clutch. After turning on the ignition, allowing the engine to warm up for three minutes, putting the pedal to the metal and lifting the clutch, it appeared that the car was not moving. Twenty seconds later, though, the speed had finally increased to one mile per hour. By the time I had reached twenty miles per hour, I attempted to change gear, but discovered that the gearstick did not work. As I approached the first corner, I tried to indicate, but discovered that the indicator did not work. Ignoring this, I pressed the brake pedal to slow down in order to take the corner, but the brake pedal did not work. Finally I rotated the steering wheel anticlockwise several times to avoid a tree dead ahead, but alas, the steering wheel did not work. And that’s why I am in a hospital, as now my spine does not work.

I recently phoned twenty Colt owners to ask if their cars had the same faults as mine, and every single one of them said they did. In fact, some of them complained about literally hundreds of other faults I did not notice, including seats breaking, wheels falling off and the entire car either splitting in half or externally combusting.

Comparative Statistics

0-60mph times:

Bugatti Veyron: 0.000000… yoctoseconds (The acceleration will invert your organs if used responsibly)

Bugatti Veyron: 8 liter W16, four turbochargers. Made from an alloy of gold and platinum.

Mitsubishi Colt: 375mL 1 cylinder engine. In fact, the cylinder is just an old can of Coke, and the car runs on Pepsi.

Power:

Bugatti Veyron: 1001bhp

Mitsubishi Colt: 0.1 seahorsepower

Curb weight:

Bugatti Veyron: 1337kg

Mitsubishi Colt: 1336g

Verdict

There was no point in wasting time on devising a points system in order to compare the two cars. The clear winner of this comparison was the 1982 Mitsubishi Colt.

But why?

The Colt won the comparison for one simple reason. The Veyron costs $2,440,800. Colt owners are happy to pay anyone precisely $24.80 (no more, no less) to take their cars. That equals an amazing price difference of -100,000%. Nobody could resist such a figure. Not even Bill Gates.