Talk

Late Laughs for the week of August 5 - 11, 2018

The Late Late Show With James Corden (repeat)

For months, the FBI has been questioning witnesses about possible collusion between the Trump administration and Russia, and, according to a new report, Donald Trump has been asking the witnesses what questions came up in the interview. Trump's basically that kid who didn't study for a test and he's like, "What did you get for No. 2?"

Senators in Rhode Island are proposing a new bill that would charge residents a one-time fee of $20 to access online pornography. $20 to access porn, but it's $40 if you want it to show up as "Starbucks" on your credit card bill.

Apple's new futuristic headquarters, Apple Park in Cupertino, California, is having some problems. The building is filled with so much clear glass that employees have reportedly been walking into glass walls. I guess Apple shouldn't have installed windows.

The biggest story today was that the Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, announced this morning that he will retire at the end of the year to spend more time with his family, which is shocking to hear. Not that he is stepping down, but that someone is leaving Washington and Trump didn't fire them.

Facebook is adding a new feature that will allow people to use Facebook as an online dating app. Facebook might be good at this. They already did such a good job matching up American voters with Russian trolls.

Instagram just announced their own new update: they'll be adding a new anti-bullying filter to weed out insulting comments. Once bullying is removed from Instagram, you'll only be able to find it on every single other website on the internet.

A high school in Michigan has faced a backlash after announcing that female students who attend prom wearing revealing dresses will be given something called a "modesty poncho." Yes, because we all know bare shoulders are the most dangerous thing threatening school kids these days.

Conan

It's come out that President Trump's new communications director has changed the White House lighting so Trump looks younger. Even more impressive, the new lighting makes Melania look happy.

Croatia beat England in the semifinals of the World Cup. Croatia won. Which is nice. It's really nice. It's the first time in a while I've heard people say, "Way to go, Croatia." Something you don't hear all the time. "Good going, Croat."

It's been a stressful week so far. First, 12 Thai soccer players were trapped in a cave with rising water, and now six world leaders are trapped in a summit with President Trump. It's rough.

Sarah Palin is complaining that she was tricked and humiliated by comedian Sacha Baron Cohen. Yes -- apparently 10 years ago, he tricked Palin into thinking she was actually qualified to be vice-president.

The founder of Papa John's Pizza used the N-word during a conference call about how to avoid bad publicity. Yeah. Of course, for Papa John's, the N-word is nutrition.

President Trump arrived in England today, and he was greeted by hundreds of angry protesters. Of course, it didn't help that Trump arrived in England wearing a Croatian soccer jersey.

While in the U.K., President Trump was asked if he was worried about the protests there. And he said, "I think they agree with me on immigration." Trump has a point. Many people in England want him immediately deported.

A Republican congressional candidate sent out anti-Semitic messages in a robocall. Of course, anti-Semites are now furious that robots are taking their jobs.

The founder of Papa John's has resigned after using a racial slur in a conference call. People are calling it the second-worst thing Papa John's founder ever said since "I'm starting a pizza company."

The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon (repeat)

Today, first lady Melania Trump made a surprise visit to the U.S.-Mexico border. And this isn't good -- she brought her passport and everything she owns.

During the G7 Summit, Trump tossed a Starburst to German leader Angela Merkel and said, "Here, Angela, don't say I never gave you anything." Then he realized it was a red one and dove across the table to get it back.

Tonight, President Trump held a big rally up in Minnesota. It's part of his plan to get as far away from the Mexican border as possible.

Trump reversed course today and signed an order to stop separating immigrant kids from their families and start detaining them together. You know 2018 is rough when people are going, "All right, families getting locked up in cages together! Yeah!"

Dan Scavino, the guy who helps write Trump's tweets, is considering leaving the White House. After thinking long and hard, he said, "I've decided it's time for me to covfefe."

Banks are starting to offer services through virtual assistants like Amazon Echo, which backfires when you ask Alexa for your account balance and she just starts laughing.

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

As the New York Times put it: "Mr. Trump kicked off his meetings on a contentious note." Contentious is his ONLY note! He's a human air horn.

Trump claims Germany is controlled by Russia because 35 percent of their natural gas comes from Russia. It's true. We're all controlled by the people who give us our gas, which is why I'm forever beholden to the Chevron on Route 3.

Last week, North Korea got a followup visit from Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. And now we're getting reports that Pompeo's North Korea meeting went "as badly as it could have gone." I'm not surprised. Sometimes the second date is rough. You go back to his place, you find out it's full of executed relatives or worse, Limp Bizkit CDs.

Late Night With Seth Meyers (repeat)

Urban Outfitters and Anthropologie are rolling out a new payment program which allows online shoppers to pay in installments later rather than in full, called Afterpay. Not to be confused with the program they have at Taco Bell, where you always pay for it later.

Mitt Romney won last night's Utah Republican Senate primary. Romney celebrated by going to a victory party and turning the music down.