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Thursday, January 09, 2014

Our family were all very interested when
they found out we were becoming foster carers. We didn’t send out the news to
all four corners, nor tried to keep it secret.

Part of the process of becoming approved as a carer is
having Blue Sky go and meet some people who are close to you. In my case they
visited my mum and one of my best friends. After the meeting my mum phoned,
said nice things about the young lady, and how interesting it was to have a
long chat about things that are dear to her, such as our children and what
we’re like as parents. She also asked if she could tell her sister, as she was
going to be seeing her soon. From that point it’s top family news, right up
there with who’s having a baby and why a cousin is getting divorced.

When you start fostering, and the placements arrive, the family
stays interested, and the tricky bit is choosing which relatives to tell what
information about the child. The child’s right to privacy is paramount. It’s
not right to tell even your mum anything about what happened to the child
before they came to live with you. It’s hard, because you sometimes feel that
you’re suggesting that your own flesh and blood can’t be trusted. It’s
hard because you crave an outlet for some of the harsh realities of fostering. You can, and should, pass on healthy stuff about how your foster children are getting on as part of
your family, things like how much they are fascinated by your tropical fish,
how you’ve persuaded them to eat peas.

Christmas has just come and gone, and that meant meeting up
with family, at your house or theirs. For the child, a bewildering bunch of strangers; something they may find alarming – strangers in the house. You tell
them in advance what it’s going to be like, who will be there, and that they
are allowed to go off and be with the other children and play.

The gathering will all be aware of all sorts of changes to the family make-up over the previous 12 months,
the cousin’s absent husband and ...the foster children. So, when asked (usually in a whisper) you say they
are doing great, and have brought a great deal of pleasure to the family, which
has plenty enough truth about it to remind you that you’re doing okay.

Most of our extended family are brilliant with our
placements. They behave as if the foster children are family children, ask us on the phone
about whether to give the child a present, compliment the child on their skill
on X Box or how well they’ve built their Lego Friends house, ask if they want
another glass of juice when they’re doing a drinks run, and so on.

But, there’s always one adult or two perhaps, who struggle a
bit. A family member much loved, but whose social skills are well, not world class. Or maybe one of those people who simply don’t get the
world of children, astonishing because they were once a child themselves, have
they no memories? Have they shut out their childhood? They're harmless, of course, just a bit clumsy chatting with other people's children.

Annoyingly, they will “make an effort” with your children,
including your foster child, and you can hear the unmistakeable sound of toes
curling all around the room as they;

·Ask a streetwise twelve year old who is in the
process of giving up smoking and already has a tattoo; “What did Father Christmas bring
you this year?”

·Tell the child what Christmas was like in
1953

·Tell the foster child how lucky they are

·Talk in front of the children about sensitive
things like why Twerking is disgusting and why a cousin is getting divorced

·“Joking” that if the children eat chocolate
their teeth will fall out or they’ll get fat

·Asking a child which football team they support,
then getting stuck in because they have a problemt with Man Utd

This year, to his enormous credit, our foster child actually
fought back. A married couple, family member’s of Bill, asked the boy what he’d
got for Christmas, so he went and fetched his main present to show them. They
looked at it for one and a half seconds, said something like “Oh, isn’t that
lovely” without the slightest understanding of what it was. Nor did they care;
they were much more interested in adult gossiping. The child started to explain how
the toy functioned when they both turned away to continue discussing Arsenal
and why a cousin is getting divorced. The child threw the toy to the floor. I
asked if he was okay. He announced in a loud clear voice, that he had been asked
what he’d got for Christmas, then when he showed them they all started talking.
Cue slightly embarrassed silence. Excellent. Out of the mouths of babes etc.

Bill and I have talked about whether we deal with the
problem in advance, by speaking to the family and advising them how to behave.
Or by staying on full alert throughout the gathering, and talking to the
children afterwards to make sure it’s a positive experience. For us, it’s the
latter every time.

We believe that part of the process of childhood is
the child discovering for themselves that there are adults in the world you like, because they have time for you, and respect your world, and
adults who just don’t. They discover this is true at school,
because they have teachers they look forward to and others they don’t. We are
happy to share with them that my gran is a hoot and has a heart of gold. And
yes, cousin Victor (not real name obviously), is a bit of a misery guts when it comes to children. But we love him too.