Tuesday, June 13, 2006

1) Michelle Wie failing at golf. She was 14 years old, 6'3", bedecked in pink Lacoste, chasing a dimpled ball with a swinging club as it rolled into sand traps and trail duff. She must have swung that thing fifteen times in the sand, striking the space around the ball (but missing her shot entirely) with an iron wedge, but thanks to a hole in one on the 18th, she still finished one under par. Up until that point, she had been 35 over par.

2) X-rated dream that I can't really remember.

3) "Waking up" from the x-rated dream into another dream, of Katie Currie looking at me through the windows of a white colonial Provincetown house from the front porch swing. The debate in the dream was whether it would be rude to draw the shades even as Katie continued to stare, so that I could continue with my dream self's plan to lie awake in bed with eyes closed, agitated.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Okay, I lasted through two days of lemonade. And then I had two slices of pizza, which were the most delicious slices of pizza I've ever eaten. I quickly followed the pizza with (1) an egg and cheese omelette and two slices of buttered toast, (2) an acai smoothie, (3) ramen with broccoli. Yessssss.

I realized that I could no longer continue with the diet because just 8 hours of it made me completely useless at work--I thought of nothing else but food--and yesterday I attempted to work on my memo and ended up staring at Fed. R. Evid. 407 for half an hour without reading a word. Bad! Even a fantastic gay Filipino movie (The Blossoming of Maximo Oliveros, run don't walk to see it!) could not distract me from my hunger as I took guilty swigs of uncut Grade B maple syrup from the bottle during lulls in the action. Becca, a paragon of good lemonade diet, appeared to glow with health from her two days on the diet; she chastised me for "improvising" on the lemonade recipe--I'd replaced lemons with limes, Grade B maple syrup with Grade A, and eyeballed all the measurements because I didn't have a measuring cup--and said that's probably the reason my body was about to go into insulin shock/shutdown. Whatever, I said, the spirit of the lemonade diet was improvisation, since improvising on crazy is still just as crazy as the original crazy.

Anyway, point being, fuck that shit. I lasted about 48 hours. WEAK. I didn't feel "cleansed" though I certainly felt "constipated," and I look forward to a lifetime of unhealthy eating to return those sorely missed toxins to my digestive tract. Give me cholesterol and/or give me death, motherfuckers!

(Alas, I didn't see what my body would do if I chugged a quart of salt water. Perhaps this is an experiment for another day. Will blog updates as they occur.)

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Day 2 of The Master Cleanse. I find that capitalizing words makes them seem not only more authoritative but also more Teutonic. Gno What I Mean? The first day of TMC was excruciating. I had to make an emergency trip to Chinatown in the middle of the afternoon to buy lemons and to C-Town (the grocery store, not to be confused with Chinatown) to buy grade A maple syrup because I hadn’t squeezed enough lemons in the morning to sate my burning, yearning, churning hunger. All day long I daydreamed about food—equal opportunity, really, anything and everything. Mac and cheese, pizza, ramen, fried eggs, pork buns, avocado sandwiches, parathas. Anything savory and not sweet and sour. While walking Boo to our fetch spot this morning I saw a mud-streaked sack of generic brand ruffled potato chips, and felt a pang of longing. Wow! Every time I felt hungry I took a couple gulps of lemonade, which didn’t so much satisfy my hunger so much as it filled in with liquid the empty clench of my stomach.

Some unexpected side effects:

1) The skin on my right hand feels like it’s been stripped a couple of layers, a result from the overzealous squeezing of about 10 lemons/limes. My forearm is sore. Why is it so difficult to squeeze water from a rock I mean lemon juice from a lemon?

2) My throat hurts. A result of the acidic lemonade and the cayenne pepper, I suspect.

3) My teeth hurt. A result of the acidic blah blah blah.

BM Watch:

1) An enthusiastic showing at the work bathroom early in the morning, requiring several polite spritzes of the air freshener so as not to asphyxiate my officemates.

2) Nothing else since then. Should I be worried? I haven’t been attacking the suggested digestive aids as I should be, but I can’t really stomach (ha!) the idea of chugging a quart of salt water and waiting around for the next two hours to shit my brains out. Just doesn’t sound like fun, people!

All right. The discovery of my roommate’s juicer late last night made the last two Nalgenes go down easier. It’s now time to make today’s batch.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

On a whim, and because my friends are doing it--just like if my friends jumped off a bridge would you do it? yes i would--I've decided to go on a ten day "lemonade" diet. (Details below.) Lest y'all worry that I'm disguising anorexia in wacky experiment's clothing, let me remind the audience that I have 0 body image issues and besides, anorexia would be much easier without two cups of maple syrup per day. So no, my goal is not weight loss but coproexperimentation, my favorite pastime. Apparently when one ingests nothing but lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, natural laxative teas, and quarts of salt water, one's digest tract is cleansed like a repentant sinner! Mostly what I'm looking forward to is the all-mucus bowel movement...slippery!

I predict I will last 14 hours. If I last longer than that I'll post periodic updates about my bowel movements (and even perhaps pictures, what with my new digicam and all!). Diet starts tomorrow A.M., or tonight if you count my cup of laxative tea as part of it...

THE MASTER CLEANSE OR LEMONADE DIETPurpose:

To dissolve and eliminate toxins and congestion that have formed in any part of the body.To cleanse the kidneys and the digestive system.To purify the glands and cells throughout the entire body.To eliminate all unusable waste and hardened material in the joints and muscles.To relieve pressure and irritation in the nerves, arteries, and blood vessels.To build a healthy blood stream.To keep youth and elasticity regardless of our years.

WHEN TO USE IT?

When sickness has developed— for all acute and chronic conditions.When the digestive system needs a rest and a cleansing.When overweight has become a problem.When better assimilation and building of body tissue is needed.

AND HOW OFTEN?

Follow the diet for a minimum of 10 days or more— up to 40 days and beyond may be safely followed for extremely serious cases. The diet has all the nutrition needed during this time. Three to four times a year will do wonders for keeping the body in a normal healthy condition. The diet may be undertaken more frequently for serious conditions.

HOW TO MAKE IT?

2 Tablespoons lemon or limejuice (approx. � lemon)

2 Tablespoons genuine maple syrup (Not maple flavored sugar syrup)

1/10 Teaspoon cayenne pepper (red pepper) or to taste

8 oz water, room temperature

Combine the juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper in a 10 oz glass jar w/lid and fill with the water.