What would you do if you had 6 months to live? Move in with my mother in law it would seem like an eternity!

ralph castro

If Adam and Eve were standing naked in a crowd of one million other naked people, how could you recognize them from the others? Easy, they would be the only two without belly buttons.

Deborah J. Holland

What is brown, black and blue was found lying in a ditch? The last brunette that told a blonde joke in front of a blonde.

Deborah J. Holland

Blondes take everything literally. My sister is a blonde. There was this movie she wanted to see real bad and she left with her ticket in hand to go see it,but I was suprized to see her return home in only 15 minutes. "I thought you really wanted to see that movie, what happened?",I asked. "I did",she said sadly, "but, when I got there I saw a sign that said, under 18 not admitted and I couldn't find 18 people to go see it with me."

Deborah J. Holland

Why do elephants paint the bottom of their feet yellow? So they can hide upside-down in a bowl of custard.

THE TOP THREE MOST PSYCHO PICK-UP LIES: 3) WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF WOOD; 2) I BET YOU'RE WONDERING WHY I HAVE NO NOSTRILS; 3) BABY, YOU STOLE MY HEART....THAT'S OK, I HAVE TWO IN THE FRIDGE AT HOME

CHAZ LANDRY

Don't look back... the lemmings are gaining.

Phil Malouf

I'm naked under my clothes.

Phil Malouf

What do women and a trophy fish such as a trout have in common? You can mount them or eat them.

dave Creen

You wanna write a good composition? Avoid cliches like the plague!

Carole Wheeler

How do you get an elephant out of a bowl of jello? You read the directions on the back of the box.

Carole Wheeler

Didja hear about the ice-fisherman that went for the BIG CATCH - a polar bear?! Yeah, he cut a hole in the ice, carefully laid peas around the edge of the hole and waited. When the bear came to take a pea, the fisherman kicked him in the ice-hole.

Carole Wheeler

Why do cowboys make poor lovers? Because they think eight seconds is a good ride.

Two guys from Kentucky going into Cincinnati for a ball game. They cross the bridge going over the Ohio river and they see a sign that reads "Ohio left". So they turn around and go back to Kentucky.

Robert Williamson

Q. How are a Texas tornado and a Tennessee divorce the same? A. Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

Robert Williamson

What did a 1 year old baby said when he received his first birthday present? "Unco, Unco" (The sound that little baby make)

Quincy Ma

Why did the Computer cross the road? Cause the chicken was programming it.

Quincy Ma

A boy went into a chip shop and asked for cod and chips the proprietor asked the lad, "Do you want salt'n'vinegar on that?" to which the boy replied "No thanks I've got me bike outside!"

Q. What is long and green and smells like pig? A. Kermits finger.

John Buckert

This is how a typical student would describe his dorm food: "If something in the bowl moves, don't eat it because it might bite your tongue off. If it doesn't, eat it because it's probably dead anyway."

Kai Chi

You heard that Hertz dropped O.J.'s commercial contract, but did you hear that Taco Bell hired him? Yeah, for their Run for the Border commercials!

Ken Kessler

What is the definition of cooperation? Four hands reaching down to put "it" back in!

Ken Kessler

A little boy and girl were outside playing and they were very competitive. The little boy said "My wagon's bigger than your wagon!" The little girl said "No it's not!" The boy said "Is too! Let's measure!" They measured and the girl said "Oh gosh, it is." They played some more and the boy said "My daddy can beat up your daddy!" The girl said "He can not!" The boy said "Can too! Watch!" The two fathers fight and the little boy's father wins. The girl says "Oh gosh, he can." They play some more and the little boy smiles and says "I've got something you don't have!" The little girl says "Do not!" The boy says "Do too! Look!" He pulls his pants down and shows her. The little girl starts crying and runs into her house because she keeps losing. A little while later she comes out with a big smile on her face. The little boy says "What are you so happy about?" The girl pulls up her dress and says "My mommy said as long as I have one of these, I can get as many of those as I want!"

Ken Kessler

A Nurse walks by a Doctor and says, "Hey Doc, How come you have a thermometer behind your ear?" The Doctor responds, "Darn, some patient has got my pen!"

Ron Hametner

What do dentures and the moon have in common? They both come out at night.

jeremy gross

What is the first question OJ asked the prosecutors after he had heard the verdict? Can I have my gloves and my hat back now?

K. Suwansathien

Some old cattlemen were bragging about some of the long cattle drives they had been involved in during their lives. Each tale bettered the others until finally came the best of them all. "Well" bragged one old timer "I took part in a drive that took 400 head right from Texas to London, England!" There was a brief silence before one of the others asked "How did you get across the Atlantic?" Quick as lightening came the reply "Didn't go that way!"

Bob Woodfield

Did you hear about the termite who went into a bar and asked "Where's the bar tender?"

Bob Woodfield

3 convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confonted by a policeman. "hey, arn't you those three escaped convicts?", asked the policeman. Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around him and said "no, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer", "The second followed his lead and said "My names is William, W H Smith". The third said "My name is Ken.....Tucky fried chicken"

Laurence Hook

Whats Mary short for? She's just got little legs

Laurence Hook

KNOCK KNOCK whos there? boo. whos there? boo! Oh I guess I didn't hear you the first time. What is your middle name? too. what is your last name?You. "Boo Too Me? DOH!"

Rob Knopper

You Half To Go In The Bathroom And You Dad Dosn't Want You To He Says Spell The Alphebet For Him Before You Go In. You Say ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ Where's The P? It's Running Down My Leg!!

Rob Knopper

Irishman driving down the road, got pulled over by the same policeman, policeman said," you're drunk.", the driver said, "thank god for that, I thought the steering had gone."

How did Women get their name? After God created them he said "Whoa Man!"

Chris Roy

A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a chinese man and punches him in the face. "Owch!" the chinese man says. "What was that for?" "That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "But I'm Chinese!" "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And the jewish man sits back down. Then, the chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face. "Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?" "That was for the Titanic," the chinese man says. "But that was an iceberg!" "Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

Emily Elizabeth Jones

Q. What do elephants use as tampons A. Sheep!

Thomas Halverson

Q. Why is Ray Charles always smiling A. He doesn't know he's black

Thomas Halverson

Q. What's the difference between a hooker and a computer? A. A computer can take a 3 1/2 floppy

Thomas Halverson

For men whose wives go through their pockets: i have a newspaper article about a man who killed his wife for going through his pockets which i leave in my pocket occasionally

dweaver

If you can't swim is it necessary to wait a half hour after eating before going in the water?

dweaver

Q: how did kato spend his spare time the first few days following his testimony? A: searching the mansion for nicole

dweaver

O.J. Simpsons Web page: http:///.\\.//.\.esc

Brett Kantack

O.J. and Heidi Fleiss were golfing last Monday. I hear they didn't do so good though. O.J. kept on slicing and Heidi kept on hooking.

Brian Padalino

Did you hear O.J. was getting married again? Yeah, he wants to take another stab at it.

Brian Padalino

What is sweet and yet very strong ?

Alfred D. McMickle

There are two things a man cherishes the most in life, what is it.

Edward Seok

The band was playing, a man was walking, the band stopped, the man died, what happened?

Edward Seok

There was a man in a suit, there was a hole in the suit. He died, what happened?

Edward Seok

What was wrong with the wooden car? It wooden go.

Paul Sinclair

Who won the monster beauty-contest? Nobody.

Paul Sinclair

There were two peanuts walking down the road. One was assaulted.

Paul Sinclair

How does a mail chauvinist change a light bulb? "Let the bitch cook in the dark."

eric june

What does OJ stand for? Orange Jumpsuit.

eric june

Why did they get rid of OJ costumes? Cuz the gloves dont fit.

eric june

What are the black things between an elephants toes? Slow natives!!!!!!

Chris McIlree

What does Helen Keller wear skin tight pants? So people could read her lips!!!!!!

Chris McIlree

What is the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snowballs!!!!!!

Chris McIlree

How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle? Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Lisa Weames

A man ran in to a store and said, "I need a drink of water!" The manager pulled a gun on him and the man said, "Thank you." WHY?????

geoffrey barton

A man ran in to a store and said, "I need a drink of water!" The manager pulled a gun on him and the man said, "Thank you." WHY????? ANSWER-THE GUY HAD THE HICCUPPS AND THE SHOCK CURED HIM

geoffrey barton

Why did the chicken cross the road? ANSWER-TO SHOW THE OPPOSSOM HOW IT'S DONE

geoffrey barton

What do you call a doubly sweet peacmaker? ANSWER-SUCROSE SUCROSE GALLI

geoffrey barton

Global warming - It's not the heat, it's the humanity !

david matthew wirth

If you've heard one cliche, you've heard 'em all.

david matthew wirth

Is Doublemint gum the result of a cloning exspearmint ?

david matthew wirth

Why does it take three Women with PMT to change just one lightbulb? IT JUST DOES!! OK?!?!?

David Richardson

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A furry cup.

David Richardson

What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.

David Richardson

One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. God bless Grammy. Goodby Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father hear his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. GoodBye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more that a little woried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day?" "YOU THINK YOU"VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

Laura Napolil

A man sits down at a resturant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter "I think I will have the turtle soup". The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind to pea soup. He yells to the waiter "Hold the turtle, make it pea"

Laura Napolil

A man walks into a bar and says ouch.

Laura Napolil

Q:How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: three . one to screw in the bulb, one to hold the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored power-tools.

torin williams

"I'm not sure if I'm a homosexual", said Tom, half in Ernest.

James R. Turner

Q: How do you keep sexual deviants from committing homosexual acts? A: Put them all in straight jackets.

James A. Hall

\nFrom: Alexander Vigodner on Mon Nov 6 03:43:39 PST 1995 :

One young diplomat comes at his first diplomatic party. He sees a lot of great delicacy and begins to eat and drink with avidity and loud munching. Once he puts attention on a very aristocratic gentelman, which does not eat and drink. -Why don't you eat this great fish or caviar? - Thank you, I don't want. But why don't you drink this great wine?! Thank you, I don't want.-But, why?! -You know, my young frend, I eat and drink only if I really want to do this.- But,...you, ..you are an animal!

A man comes home and finds his wife with a lover which looks like Shwarcaneger. The lover takes the husband, goes to the kitchen, draws the circle on the floor and says:"I come back to your wife to make love and if you come out from the circle, you are dead." 20 minuts later the lover hears the husband's voice: "Aga, while you there are making love, I already three times came out from the circle! " \nFrom: Brandon M. Nokes on Mon Nov 6 09:45:41 PST 1995:

what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? Where's my tractor \nFrom: on Wed Nov 8 06:32:16 PST 1995 :

Did you hear that the American Trial Lawyers Association has decided to relocate its national headquarters? They're moving to Sioux City (Sue City) \nFrom: W. J. Cassady on Wed Nov 8 06:33:20 PST 1995:

Did you hear that the American Trial Lawyers Association has decided to relocate its national headquarters? They're moving to Sioux City (Sue City) \nFrom: RICCO WILLIAMS on Wed Nov 8 13:51:24 PST 1995:

CAN YOU SLAM DUNK WITH ROLLER BLADE WITHOUT THE RAMP ? YES I CAN. LET ME TELL YOU . FIRST THING IS TO GET ELEVATOR THEN YOU CAN CHOOSE THE LEVEL WHAT YOU WANT TO REACH THE RIM.

I STILL WONDER HOW MICHEAL JORDAN CAN JUMPER HIGH ? I JUST FOUND OUT THAT HE USED AIR PRESSURE MATERALS IN HIS CALF. \nFrom: mike jones on Wed Nov 8 19:59:57 PST 1995 :

your daddy is so small he held his breath and blew up \nFrom: L.E. Van Lear on Thu Nov 9 07:37:45 PST 1995 :

Bill was walking to the 7-11 to get a Slurpy. He passed by a tennis court, and found a brand new tennis ball laying in the grass by the side walk. He picked up the ball and could not find anyone at the tennis court to return the new ball to, so he stuck the ball in his pocket and continued to walk to the 7-11. He finally made it to the store, walked back to the Slurpy machine, pumped out a cup full of Slurpy and took it to the counter to pay for it. The clerk behind the counter asked what was wrong with Bill, pointing to his pants. He answered "tennis ball". The clerk replied "Boy, that must really hurt, I had tennis elbow once and it about killed me!" \nFrom: Douglas Manness on Thu Nov 9 17:29:26 PST 1995 :

Why is it when you dial a wrong number, it is never busy.

A psychologist is a man you pay to ask questions your wife asks you for nothing.

When a doctor X-rays the lungs of a dog, what do you think he finds? The seat of his trousers!! \nFrom: Jerry Dewitt on Thu Nov 9 23:13:18 PST 1995 :

Three rats are having a chat. The first rat says "I'm so tough, I can eat rat poison and it dosen't phase me!". The second rat says "I'm so tough, I can eat broken glass and it wouldn't phase me!". The third rat says "Look you guys are just too tough for me, I think I'll just go home and skrew the cat."

Why did the koala fall out of the tree? It was dead. Why did the second koala fall out of the tree? The first koala hit it. Why did the third koala fall out of the tree? It thought it was a new fad. Why did the kangaroo die? Three bloody koalas hit it.

God said to Adam "How would you like a mate who is kind, loyal, understanding and respectful?" Adam replies "OK. But what is it going to cost me?" God said "Only an arm and a leg." Adam then said "That sounds a bit steep. What do I get for a rib?" \nFrom: George Ljultasi on Fri Nov 10 07:54:54 PST 1995 :

What did Michael Jackson say to Woody Allen? Swap you a ten for two fives.

What does a 500 pound parrot say? Polly wants a craker - NOW!

A black man walks into a bar with a parrot on his sholder. The barman says "What an exquisite creature! Where did you get it?" "Africa." replied the parrot. \nFrom: Josef Iaci on Fri Nov 10 12:59:44 PST 1995 :

Why did the sheep jump off the cliff? He didn't see the 'ewe' turn.

Why do golfers always bring two pairs of pants? In case they get a 'hole in one'.

Overheard in an airport from a young man trying to impress a girl: You know that sushi stuff? I tried some last night. Took it home & cooked it right up. Wasn't bad, tasted just like fish! \nFrom: Mike Morris on Fri Nov 10 18:30:11 PST 1995 :

License plate on a Volkswagen Beetle: FEATURE (remember, when asked, the programmer said:"It's a feature, not a bug!")

How many lawyers does it take to put in a lightbulb? How many can you afford?

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. \nFrom: Kristin And Lauren on Sat Nov 11 10:38:10 PST 1995 :

how do you know when a blond been at your computer ? theres white out marks on the screen!!!

what has four wheels and flies? a garbage truck!!!!!!!

why did the chiken cross the road? to show the possum it was possible \nFrom: Alan Osterholtz on Sat Nov 11 23:03:07 PST 1995 :

I tell you I had a joke in mind and then I lost it. (my mind that is) \nFrom: on Mon Nov 13 09:30:16 PST 1995 :

A guy in a restaurant yells to the waiter, "Hey, there's a fly in my soup." The waiter replies, "It's possible. The cook used to be a tailor." \nFrom: Darren Olson on Mon Nov 13 14:09:40 PST 1995 :

Why did the blond climb the glass wall? /To see what was on the other side.

Hoe do you get a blond out of a tree? / Wave

What do you call a blond with half a brian? /gifted \nFrom: Richard Littlefield on Mon Nov 13 14:28:39 PST 1995 :

Once upon a time there were three donut men that came to America from a foreign land. They each knew only one line of English: The first was "50 cents." The second was "Fresh, very fresh." The third was "That's okay, I don't care." Well one day a man came in the store. "How much are your donuts?" he asked. "50 cents," replied the donutman. "Are they fresh?" "Fresh, very fresh," replied the second. "I don't think I'll have one today," said the man. "That's okay, I don't care," replied the third. That evening, the donut store was robbed. The police met with the donutmen the next day to ask a few questions. "How much was stolen?" All the donutman could say was "50 cents." "Are you trying to get fresh with me?" said the cop. "Fresh, very fresh, said the second. "How would you like to go to jail?" came the question. And of course you know the answer, "THAT'S OKAY, I DON'T CARE! \nFrom: pam wipperfurth on Tue Nov 14 07:43:46 PST 1995 :

What president will be on the next dollar bill. (Bill) Clinton

What did the banana tree say to the coconut tree when he heard a hurricane was coming. You better hang on to your nuts because your about to get a hell of a blow job! \nFrom: Andy Wing on Tue Nov 14 10:27:25 PST 1995 :

A man walks into a bar and says to a second man "was that you're dog outside?" the second man says "Yeah, why?" The first man answers "Well, my dog just killed you're dog!" The second man sayed "Oh no! How could you let such a vicous dog out on the streets? What kind of dog do you have?" To this, the first man replied "I have a chihuahua!" The second man asked "Well, how did you're chihuahua kill my rottwieler?!?" The first man answered You're dog tried to eat my dog and choked!" \nFrom: gilbert rodriguez on Wed Nov 15 14:56:01 PST 1995 :

Q. what did the toilet say to Mike Tyson? A. you may be champion of the world but here you'll sit. \nFrom: Kristina Valis on Wed Nov 15 19:27:17 PST 1995 :

What do you do when St. Nick gets stuck in your chimney? Use "Santa Flush" \nFrom: on Wed Nov 15 19:37:30 PST 1995 :

How many pigeons can you fit under a Scottsman's kilt? A: It depends on how long the "perch"is. \nFrom: Don Govender on Thu Nov 16 05:29:07 PST 1995 :

What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant? Ans: Her legs.

How do you know when a blonde's been at the computer? Ans: There's rat poison on the mousepad.

Why did the man, trying to kill himself, tie a rope around his waist? Ans: Because it got too tight around his neck. \nFrom: Josh Leonard on Thu Nov 16 16:49:06 PST 1995 :

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change.

Did you hear that O.J. is going to get married now that he is off the hook? I guess he decided that he wanted to take another stab at it!!

This guy goes in a clock shop & pulls his WILLY out & puts it on the counter. The clerk say O my what are doing. The man says this is a clock shop isn't it ? Can you put a couple of hands & a face on this ? \nFrom: Don Govender on Fri Nov 17 07:02:03 PST 1995 :

Bill Clinton,John Major and Nelson Mandela were flying in a plane. Clinton puts his hand out and says to the other two. "We are in America". "How do you know that?" they ask. "Well, I can feel the statue of Liberty", he says. Later, Major puts his hand out and says to the other two :"We are in England." How do you know that?" they ask."Well, I can feel the Big Ben," he says to the other two. Much, much later. Mandela puts his hand out and says to the other two: "We must be in South Africa". "How do you know that?" the others ask." Well", Mandela says, "My watch has just been stolen!"

If a tree falls in the forest and there is nobody there to see it, did it make a noise?

How far can a person walk into a forest? Ans: Only halfway, because after that he would then be walking out of the forest. \nFrom: Leo Simpson on Fri Nov 17 16:54:37 PST 1995 :

A depressed man walked into a bar and ordered a whiskey. The bartender felt sorry for the man so he said "what's bothering you buddy?" The man said "well, I caught my wife with my best friend." The bartender said "damn, what did you do to her?" He said "I kicked her out of the house." The bartender said "what did you do to your best friend?" The man said "I took him into the other room and I said BAD DOG, BAD DOG!!!

Two little boys were watching a dog clean himself. They watched him for quite awhile until finally one of the boys said "I wish I could do that?" The other little boy said "He'd bite youuu!"

A man went to a pet store to buy a parrot. The storekeeper said "I'd like to help you, but my last healthy parrot was just sold." The man said "healthy?" The pet store owner said yes, I have one parrot but he has no legs." The man asked the parrot "How do you sit on your perch with no legs?" After the explanation that he held with his other digit the man went ahead and bought the parrot since he was so eloquent. After a week or so went by, he told the parrot to watch his wife while he was gone for the weekend on a trip. The parrot agreed. When he returned, the parrot said "Man, your shadow had no longer darkened the doorstep when the neighbor ran in here and ripped off his clothes. He then took off your lady's clothes and threw her on the bed. Then he turned on the lights and held her legs in his hands ..." Theman said, "Yes, then what happened?" He said "I don't know, I got a ---- -- and fell off my perch!" \nFrom: elaine shah on Sat Nov 18 11:44:07 PST 1995 :

If a tree falls in the forest with noone to hear it then who will notify the next of kindling?

a heart surgeon, brain surgeon and a medical administrator for a HMO are in a riding in a car. the car is involved4 in an accident and they die so they are at the pearly gates of St. Peter. he firsts asks the heart surgeon, "Why should I admit you to heaven?" replies the surgeon, "well, I have preformed many operations that have save so many lives. st peter says ok, you can come. next, he asks the same question to the brain surgeon who also replies with the same answer. st peter also admits the brain surgeon. he then poses the same question to the HMO administrator4 who answers with" i should be allowed because i have saved money by keeping costs down and hospital stays to a minimum. "ok", replies st.peter, "i will allow you to enter heaven, but for only two days!" \nFrom: SONNY LANGSTAFF on Sat Nov 18 11:57:13 PST 1995 :

WHAT HAS FOUR WHEELS AND FLYS? A TRASH DUMPSTER! \nFrom: on Sat Nov 18 16:46:34 PST 1995 :

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead! \nFrom: on Mon Nov 20 09:01:44 PST 1995 :

Hey buddy, do you know a Dick Shrivels in Coldwater?

A guy with no arms goes to a church looking for work. The parson says,"I need someone to ring this bell. Can you do it?" The man says,"Watch this!", and he runs at the bell and strikes it with his face. B O N G !!! "Okay, you're hired!" says the parson. The next day, a visiting minister is walking up the stairs to the church just as a man with no arms comes flying out the belfry and on to the concrete below. The visiting minister turns to the parson and says,"Who is this man?" The parson replies, "I'm not sure but his face rings a bell!" \nFrom: william feickert on Tue Nov 21 08:19:13 PST 1995 :

Regarding Thomas Halverson's joke on what elephants use a tampons(sheep). Well I was wondering, is that how we get red sweaters?

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef! \nFrom: wayne sider on Tue Nov 21 17:53:13 PST 1995 :

a horse walks into a bar. the bartender says, "why such a long face?" getit? \nFrom: Jenny Doman on Wed Nov 22 01:46:25 PST 1995 :

President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President." Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, "They're Republican puppies." The president looks puzzled and says, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies." The man smiles and says, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!" \nFrom: Laura Cappe on Wed Nov 22 05:22:16 PST 1995 :

O.K., there are three mental patients are being considered for release, so this proffesor comes to ask them all a question. The first patient comes in and the professor says, "What is 2+2?" and the first patient says, "5,000!" and the proff. says "I'm sorry that's not correct". The second patient comes in and the proff. asks the patient, "Whats 2+2?" and the patient says, "Tuesday!". The proff. says "Sorry, your wrong!". the third patient comes in and the proff. asks the same question and the patient says, "4". The proffesor is amazed and asked how he got the answer. To that the patient replied, "I divided 5,000 by Tuesday!"

Jesus, Mother Mary and a cloaked man are playing golf. Jesus tees off and gets a hole-in-one. Mother Mary tees off and gets a hole-in-one. The cloaked man tees off and misses the green completely and goes into the water-trap. A fish spurts the ball out of the water, a bird catches it and gives it to a squirrel, who drops it in the hole. Jesus says "Dad, are you going to play golf, or what?"

There are three mental patients who are being considered to be let out of the asylum. They have to be questioned to see if they are ready to survive outside the clinic. The first patient goes in and the director of the clinic, Tom, asks the patient, "What is this?" (pointing to his head) the patient said, "Your kneecap!" Tom says, "No I'm sorry." The next patient comes in and Tom asks the same question except he is pointing to his ear. The patient says, "That's your small intestines!" Tom said, "Sorry, your wrong!" The third patient comes in and Tom asks the same question except he's pointing to his foot. The patient says "That's your foot!" Tom says, "Good for you, you can leave in the morning!" The thrid patient walks out the door and the other two patients, who were outside eavesdropping, ask the last patient how he did it. To them he replied, "Kidneys, man! Kidneys!" (pointing to his brain!)

There is a Rabbi, a Priest, and a lawyer loooking for a place to stay for the night and they find a barn. The farmer says 2 of the group can stay inside, but the other has to sleep in the barn. The Rabbi says, "I'll stay in the barn!" and he leaves the rest of the group. He comes back later and says, "I can't sleep there! All the cows are mooing and I can't hear myself think!" The Priest says, "I'll go in the barn." And he leaves the rest of the group. Later, he returns and says, "I can't sleep in there! All the pigs are oinking and I can't catch a wink!" The lawyer says, "I'll go sleep in the barn! I don't mind the noise." and he left the group. Later there is a knock on the door and its........The cows and the pigs!!!!!

A man walks into a bar and he sees a guy, sitting at a table with a bird cage and the first man says, "Where did you get that thing? He'll make you rich!" and the second man said, "There's a magic lamp in the bathroom, and I rubbed it and made a wish." The first man says, "Wow!" and he runs into the bathroom. He sees the lamp, rubs it and wishes for a billion bucks. The genii grants his wish and a billion ducks fly over head and they all poop on his head. The first man runs out of the bathroom and asks the second man, "Is the genii deaf, or something?!?" and the second man said, "Of course he is! You think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?????" \nFrom: Jermaine Rowe on Fri Nov 24 19:55:10 PST 1995 :

Some maybe yellow, some maybe orange, some maybe red or brown, if they're lucky they may even wear a beautiful golden gown. (What are they? Good Luck)

Once there was a visitor visiting somebody in jail when a policeman said,"Close relatives only." The visitor said,"Brothers and sistors I have none, but this man's father is my father's son." (What is the relation between the visitor and the prisoner?)

Two legs sat on three legs and was holding one leg when four legs took one leg and two legs threw three legs at four legs, and four legs brought back one leg to two legs.(What was one leg, two legs, three legs, and four legs?) \nFrom: Sunni Hackney on Sat Nov 25 15:52:38 PST 1995 :

There was a Mouse walking through the forest, and hs suddenly heard a huge cry for help off to his left. It was an Elephant stuck way down in a pit. The Elephant asked the mouse to help him out, reminding him of his wonderful memory, and that he could be a good friend when the mouse was in need. Well, the mouse liked that idea, so he went and got his Corvette, hooked it up to the elephant, and pulled him out of the pit. They didn't see each other for a few weeks, but then the elephant was walking through the forest, and he heard the mouse crying for help! Wouldn't you know it, the poor little thing was stuck in a pit, Corvette nowhere in sight. The elephant told the mouse not to worry, that he'd get him out in a flash. He stuck his trunk down into the pit, but try as the mouse might, he couldn't reach it. Then the elephant got an idea. He sat down, and started to think about his favorite girlfriend elephant, and promptly got a raging hard-on. He stuck that down into the pit, the mouse grabbed hold, and the elephant pulled him out. Do you know what the moral of this story is? *If your dick's big enough, you don't need a Corvette.*

This one is terrible. If you're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom? Yurapeein! (Get it...European) hee hee

A doctor approached his attorney friend and said, "Sam, I've got this problem. If I'm at a party or a church or whatever, people always are telling me about their sore backs or their kid's runny nose. I don't mind giving medical advise, it is my job afterall, but I feel like I'm getting cheated out of my fees. I'm giving them the same advise I would give them in my office. Would it be legal or ethical for me to bill them for this?" "Absolutely," replied the attorney, "That'll be $200." \nFrom: Kim Anthoni Røgeberg on Mon Nov 27 02:13:21 PST 1995 :

Have you heard the one about the two nuns in the supermarket? The first nun wanted to buy only one banana, but then the other nun said: let´s buy two, and eat one of them!! \nFrom: on Mon Nov 27 10:26:43 PST 1995 :

How many Windows support staff does it take to change a light bulb? Well, we have an exact copy of your bulb here, and it works fine. Did you check your CONFIG.SYS?

Political correctness: an idea that takes all the fun out of dysfunctional!

Computer: the only productivity tool that costs as much time and money as it saves. \nFrom: Mike Scullin on Mon Nov 27 10:38:16 PST 1995 :

How many Windows support staff does it take to change a light bulb? Well, we have an exact copy of your bulb here, and it works fine. Did you check your CONFIG.SYS?

Political correctness: an idea that takes all the fun out of dysfunctional!

If you divorce your wife in Georgia, is she still your cousin? \nFrom: the eville one on Tue Nov 28 04:50:27 PST 1995 :

did you hear about the butcher who backed into his slicer? he got a litle behind in his work...

why di eskimos was their clothes in tide?cause it's to cold out tide...

even though sigmund freud was terribly addicted to cocaine he actually died when one day after taking a bath and getting out of the tub he slipped and fractured his skull killing him instantly...might this be another freudian slip....? \nFrom: on Tue Nov 28 07:40:35 PST 1995 :

two blondes went two Disney Land the sign sign said Disney Land LEFT so the turned and went home!!!

Why do all Texans have 2" balls? So they can tow each others trailers. \nFrom: David Matos on Tue Nov 28 21:44:39 PST 1995 :

What's the difference between an orange? The horse because it doesn't have handle bars! \nFrom: P.J. Veber on Tue Nov 28 21:54:52 PST 1995 :

What did the zen-master say to the New York City hotdog vendor? Make me one with everything.

So, I was on this airplane with Rene Descartes and the stewardess kept coming by, offering us drinks. We drank a lot and were getting pretty sloshed. Finally, the stewardess asked, "Would you like another drink, Mr. Descartes?" To which he replied, "I don't think so..." and disappeared completely. \nFrom: P.J. Veber on Tue Nov 28 22:41:44 PST 1995 :

There was this 78 year old lady in Florida who wanted to work for one of those topless restaurants. Of course, none of them would hire her, so she sued. She won and they had to hire her. But the manager fired her on her first day on the job. Yeah. Seems she came to work in a wrinkled uniform... \nFrom: on Wed Nov 29 04:51:49 PST 1995 :

Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?? Because her boyfriend was blonde too...

How does an elephant camouflage itself?? It paints it's balls red and hides in a cherry tree...

Two old fellows with Alzheimers disease are sitting in a room. The first fellow gets up, heads for the door, then stops. Scratching his head he states he forgot where he was going and returns to his seat. A few moments later the other gent gets up and is heading for the door. The other gent asks "Where are you going?" The first gent replies "I going out for an ice-cream". The second gent asks "Will you get me one as well?" The first gent replies in the affirmative. The second gent then states "How about an ice-cream on a sugar cone? You won't forget will you?" The first gent says "No, you want an ice-cream on a sugar cone." The gent then goes out the door. After about 20 minutes the door opens, the first gent walks in and hand the second gent a bag stating "here's your hamburger." The second gent replies "Forget the burger, where's my fries?" \nFrom: P.J. Veber on Wed Nov 29 08:40:35 PST 1995 :

You know there must be a million lame, tasteless jokes in this world, but enough about my husband's family...

Did you know there's an upside to having alzheimer's? Yep. You're always hearing new jokes.

This man is walking along a country road, when he sees this car coming down the road. The car runs over a rabbit in the road. The driver stops the car, gets out, and looks at the rabbit. The man who was walking along the road says "You're not just going to leave that there, are you?" The driver goes to the trunk of his car and pulls out an aerosol can and sprays its contents on the dead rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet down the road, turns around, and waves. It hops another ten feet down the road, turns around and waves. It does this until it disappears from sight. The driver of the car tosses the aerosol can to the side of the road, gets in his car, and drives away. The man who had been walking down the side of the road was astounded. He ran to the side of the road and picked up the can and read the label, which said : "For hare restoration, and permanent wave." \nFrom: Robert Sprague on Wed Nov 29 12:47:15 PST 1995 :

What Did The Man Say When He Walked Into The Bar........Ouch \nFrom: Ryan Shackelford on Wed Nov 29 12:51:12 PST 1995 :

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, a dyslexic, and an agnostic? Some one who sets up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

What is the difference between a pig and a fox? About a 12 pack.

What is grey and comes in quarts? An elephant. \nFrom: GREG COLLINS on Wed Nov 29 13:25:48 PST 1995 :

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A JACK-ASS AND AN ONION? SOME ASS THAT WILL BRING TEARS TO YOUR EYES. \nFrom: Greg on Wed Nov 29 13:54:15 PST 1995 :

Once, this farmer had two sals (female pigs) that he wanted to mate. The farmer knew of this big male pig named Ol' Jake. So he called Ol' Jake's owner up and everything was arranged. The next day the two sals went into Ol' Jake's pen, and something wild went on. The farmer then asked how he would know if it took. Jake's owner told him that if the sals were in the mud, it didn't take, if they end up inthe sun, then it took. Well, the farmer went home and sure enough the salls went straight to the mud. The next day the farmer took them back to Ol' Jake. This time the dogs were barking, the chickens were a cluckin', it was just wild!! When the farmer got home, he couldn't bare to look to see where the sals went to, so he asked his wife, Bertha, after he and his Bertha were in the house, where the sals went, in the mud or in the sun? she said,"Neither. They're in the cab of the truck honkin' the horn!!!!". \nFrom: Anne Norman on Wed Nov 29 18:12:24 PST 1995 :

How many months have 28 days in them? 12 they all have 28 days. \nFrom: Jarin Udom on Wed Nov 29 19:59:10 PST 1995 :

I had a little chicken, and he wouldn't lay an egg. So I poured hot water up and down his leg. The little chicken hollered, and the little chicken begged, and the gosh darn thing layed a hard boiled egg. => \nFrom: Sarah Threlkeld on Wed Nov 29 22:37:25 PST 1995 :

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because it was dead! \nFrom: J Byron Smith on Thu Nov 30 04:09:19 PST 1995 :

How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it!

How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it!

Why dont blondes make Kool-Aid? Because they cant figure out how to fit 2 quarts of water in the package! \nFrom: Linette McCall on Thu Nov 30 06:07:35 PST 1995 :

HOw do you catch a Unique Rabbit? You nique up on him. How do you catch a Tame Rabbit? Same way you nique up on him too.

Have you heard there is a new computer virus going around.....It is called the Bobbit virus, yep it turns your hard drive into a floppy drive.

Who is in the oblette? I forgot! (an oblette is a place you put people to forget them if you didn't get the joke) \nFrom: on Thu Nov 30 07:22:21 PST 1995 :

There is a man named Chris and his best friend is Gary who is married to Denise.Chirs comes over to Gary's house and Denise answer the door. Denise and Chris start to have a few drinks. Chris asked Denise, if for $100 dollars she would take off her shirt . Denise asked if you promise not to touch me. Chirs asked Denise if for another $100 dollars she would take off her pants and underwear so she does it. Chris then asked for another $100 dollars would masterbate infront of him and she does it . Chris then says thanks for a nice evening and leaves. Gary comes home later that night and asked Denise how was her day. She say fine. Gary asked did Chris come over today . She replys yes, why do you asked. Gary says," Did he bring the $300 dollars he owes me.

What did O.J. Simpson say after the trial. Can I get my gloves back. \nFrom: nick congleton on Thu Nov 30 14:47:04 PST 1995 :

This guys mother called and asked if she could get a picture of him.He's thinking he only has this one naked picture of him so he can cut the head of the picture off and send it to her.So he said to his mother,"ok"so he sent it to her. She called back in about 3 days later and said,"I like your picture but what happend to your body." He said'"I'd rather not talk about it." She said,"ok". His grandma called the next day and wanted a picture to. He's thinking grandma is so senile she will never now. So he said,"ok grandma". She called back a week later and said,"I like your picture but all the hair on your face makes your nose look big". \nFrom: a bad dog on Thu Nov 30 15:02:45 PST 1995 :

Why won't a shark eat a lawyer? Professional courtesy.

How is a lawyer different from hooker? There are just some things a hooker won't do.

So these two brother go up their log cabin way out in the boonies to do some hunting. As they are walking through the woods, one of the brothers steps on a snake and the snakes reaches up and bites him directly in the crotch! Immediately he begins to get woozy. His brother quickly picks him up and carries him the ten miles back to the log cabin. Since the are miles from any hospital, he calls a doctor to see if he can do anything for his sickly brother. The doctor asks him what kind of snake it was. He says:"I don't know. It was about three feet long and was striped yellow and black." The doctor says: "Oh, that's a very poisonous snake. You'll have to suck the posion out or your brother will be dead in half an hour." So he goes to the room where he left his brother and his brother asks, barely conscious :"What did the doctor say?" And his brother says:"You'll be dead in half an hour." \nFrom: Trish Higginbotham on Fri Dec 1 11:21:04 PST 1995 :

There was an aggie and his house was on fire, so he called the firestation and told them, "Hey" My house is on fire and the fireman said "How do you get there?" and the aggie said "Don't yall still drive those big red trucks? \nFrom: Jerry Schiavo on Fri Dec 1 12:07:45 PST 1995 :

The Clinton's are on Air Force 1. They are having a conversation, when Hilary looks out the window and sees New York. She says, "If we threw out 100 dollars we could make one person happy." Then Chelsey says, "If we threw out 1,000 dollars we could make ten people happy." Then Bill says, "If we threw out 1,000,000 dollars we could make 1,000 people happy." The pilot overheard this, and turned to his co-pilot and said, "If you threw the Clintons out of the plane, you'd make the whole country happy!"

Did MARY PALMER? Or did ENGLEBURG HUMPERDINK? Or did his DICK BUTKISS?

There once was a man, and he grew the biggest tomatoes. His neighbor, Mary, asked him one day how they got so big. HE said, "THis is what I do. Every night, I take a shower. After I'm done I put on a robe and go outside. I then take off my robe in front of the plants, and watch the stars for about an hour." Well, Mary wanted big tomatoes, so she figured what would it hurt. That night she took a shower, put on a robe, and went outside for an hour. The next morning, her neighbor stopped by and asked how the tomatoes were. Mary exclaimed, "My tomatoes didn't get any bigger, but you should see the size of the cucumbers!" \nFrom: Sara Lake on Fri Dec 1 14:51:58 PST 1995 :

If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

A naked man is lying dead in a field. He has no marks or bruises on him and their are no foot prints near the body. How did he get there? \nFrom: paul on Fri Dec 1 16:45:00 PST 1995 :

how many computers would it take to fill a dumpster. enugh to kill the bum sleeping on the bottom of it

what time is it when a gorilla uses your computer Time to get a new computer

`why did the computer cross the road. to get to the new computer store to gt a new hard drive, get it? Hard drive, I said HAARD drive. \nFrom: alexander moskalyuk on Fri Dec 1 16:55:15 PST 1995 :

The Russian shepherd is playing chess with the sheep. One man is going by them and he is really surprised."How is sheep playing, "asks he."Oh, stupid sheep hasn't idea, how to play",-answers shepherd. "So what the score?". "Four-four"

Don't abbrev.-the first rule of writing

Love is a theorem that you have to prove evry day. \nFrom: E Koeppe on Fri Dec 1 19:14:04 PST 1995 :

(re:Babylon 5) Sure is amazing the Centauri won the war...They can't hit the broad side of a Narn! \nFrom: lori snyder on Sat Dec 2 07:55:04 PST 1995 :

Why is a fire engine red? Cause if someone pulled your hose out in public you'd be red too.

A few years ago Harvard did a study to see why a man had a head on the end of his penis. They spent 5 thousand dollars and 5years and concluded that it was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Well Princeton saw all of this, and being Princeton had to prove Harvard wrong. So they spent another 5 thousand dollars and 5 years and cocluded it was to give the man more pleasure during sex. Well this whole time West Virginia U was looking at this and said "these guys are all wrong..." So they spent five bucks and a half an hour and concluded that it was to keep your hand from slipping off the end.

One of santa's elves goes to the doctor with itchy balls, the doctors says "bend over, drop you pants and I'll have a look at the problem". The elve does this and while he's bent over the doctor say's "I think I see the problem" the elf see in the mirror the doctor picking up a large pair of cutters and starts to get worried, he is tense as he waits for the cutters but instead he hears snip, snip, snip but feels nothing... after a few minutes the doctor says "all done." the elf, feeling not pain or itching stands up, pulls up is pants and say what was the problem, the doctor says "well I just cut 3 inches off your furry boots."

A woman goes to the doctor feeling weak and sickly, the doctors put her on HRT Hormone Replacement Therapy, small doeses of testosterone, after three weeks the woman returns and the doctor asks how the treatment is working, the woman explains that there are side effects, hair on her chest, the doctor is amazed and asks to see the hair, the woman unbuttons her shirt and sure enough there is hair on her chest. The doctor says "how far down does this hair grow" the woman replies "All the way to my balls which is another question I had for you" \nFrom: J. L. Wright on Sat Dec 2 17:09:18 PST 1995 :

Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the SHELL station

A bounty hunter came into a bar in Mexico to look for a man who had been robbing banks in Texas. He put a gun up to the man's head and said "Where's the money?" Another man came up and said "Him don't know English. I will interpret for you." The bounty hunter said "Ok, tell him that I will blow his head off if he doesn't tell me where the money is." So the man talked to the other man who told him to go to the brick building on the corner and count three brick layers up and three bricks to the right and there he would find the money. The bounty hunter asked "What did he say!?" The man said "Oh, senor. He said he don't care. Blow his head off." \nFrom: Genevieve Pratt on Sat Dec 2 18:32:44 PST 1995 :

This guy was sick of his wife and decides to get rid of her. He hears about a wino who lives under the bridge name Artie who would do anything for a dollar. So the man goes to Artie and gives him a dollar to kill his wife and Artie agrees. Next day, as the wife is grocery shopping, Artie goes in and starts to strangle her with a rope. Well, a stock boy comes along so Artie has to kill him so he won't tell anyone. Then a clerk comes by and Artie kills him to. Next day the headlines say "Artie chokes three for a dollar at Homeland"

We all know Santa as a fat, jolly old man. Well, he may be fat and he may be old, but he ain't always jolly. There was this one year when Mrs. Claus decided she wanted to be a feminist, the reinderr went on strike, and the elves sued because they wanted to be called "vertically challenged toy manufacturers".
So Santa retreated to his office to rest, when an angel entered and said, "Santa..."
"What do you want?" was the reply.
"Well," the angel answered,"The Christmas Tree arrived today."
"So?" Santa said.
"Well, I was wondering where you wanted me to put it."
And that, my friends, is why Angels sit on top of trees. \nFrom: Dirk Haueter on Sun Dec 3 20:36:35 PST 1995 :

When O. J. made that phone call from his driveway, it was to Michael Jackson, asking him how he made his glove disappear.

There's so much tourist interest in the site where Lorrena tossed her husband's manhood out the window that the exit ramp has been renamed the John Bobbitt Cut-off.

If I would have become a psychiatrist, I could be taking advantage of the shrinking dollar. \nFrom: Douw Prinsloo on Mon Dec 4 03:36:01 PST 1995 :

The blond went to a shop to buy a TV. The salesman asked her whether she wants a colour TV or a black and white TV. She answered : " It really doesn't matter, it must just fit with my curtains... "

Have you heard about the blond who leaves the radio on in her car when going shopping ? That is so that the thieves must think there is someone in the car...

What do you call a upside-down blond ? A brunet with a bad breath... \nFrom: David M. Maylen III on Mon Dec 4 08:52:14 PST 1995 :

What gets wetter and wetter as it drys? - A towel

What do you get when you cross Lee Iacocca with Count Dracula? - autoexec.bat \nFrom: on Mon Dec 4 10:32:44 PST 1995 :

Q: why is a woman like a parking space A: because all the good ones are taken, the only free ones are handicapped, and once you get one you have to keep feeding money into it.

Q: Why did the woman cross the Road? A: Who cares why wasn't she in the kitchen.

One day an Indian chief drank 12 gallons of tea. The next day they found him drowned in his teapee \nFrom: Alex Farkas on Mon Dec 4 11:26:43 PST 1995 :

What is the difference between a Lawyer and a Rooster? Well a Rooster clucks defiance ...

If all bovine species were to become extinct, would that turn our atmosphere into a No Bull Gas?

Marcel Marceau recently wrote a book about his experiences whilst visiting the famous cloth worn by Christ which is stored in a Church in Italy. The book's called "The Charade of Turin". \nFrom: Alex Farkas on Mon Dec 4 11:59:22 PST 1995 :

A man walks into a Doctor's office. "Doctor, please help me. It hurts when I do this" he says pointing to his nose. "It hurts when I do this" he says pointing to his left elbow. "It hurts when I do that" he concludes, pointing to his coccyx. "Ach! I see the problem!" says the Doctor. "You have a broken finger!"

A U.S. and Russian General are discussing troops rations. The Russian says: "Every day, each soldier consumes 1500 Calories". "Oh yeah?" says the American, "Well our troops consume 3000 Calories a day". "This is not possible", replies the Russian, "How can one man eat entire sack of potatoes?"

What does an Englishwoman say to her husband when she wakes up after a night of lovemaking? "Get off!" \nFrom: David P. Duell on Mon Dec 4 13:44:15 PST 1995 :

How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike? They both have ornamental balls.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit. \nFrom: Robert Rabinowitz on Mon Dec 4 14:28:49 PST 1995 :

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one but it has to want to change first.

Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: 7. 1 to do it and 6 to share the experience.

Q: How many Zen Monks does it take to change a light bulb? A: 2. 1 to do it and 1 not to do it. \nFrom: Buddy on Mon Dec 4 16:03:30 PST 1995 :

There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from his mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend (the other guy) asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter. So the second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the first guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritus. "Well" The friend said to the first guy... "That's not so bad..." The first guy turns to him and says "That's what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst one!" \nFrom: P.J. Veber on Mon Dec 4 18:22:50 PST 1995 :

What's the best way to eat a frog? Hook one leg over each ear.

How many seconds are there in a day? That depends. How good were you the first time?

I see your request for everybody to "keep it clean," but I always wash my hands before I sit at the keyboard anyway. \nFrom: Charlie on Mon Dec 4 21:36:51 PST 1995 :

Bill & Hillary Clinton and Al Gore all die in a plane crash (no, that's not the joke). Upon reaching the gates of heaven, God meets them and asks Al Gore, "who are you?" "Well, I'm Al Gore, I was Vice President of the United States." "Very well," replies God. "You may sit in the chair to my right. .. And who are you?" he asks Bill Clinton. "I was Bill Clinton, I was President." "Very well," says God. "You may sit in the chair to my left." God then turns to Hillary and asks, "Who are you?" "I'm Hillary...and you're in MY chair!!" \nFrom: Lion Goodman on Mon Dec 4 23:28:55 PST 1995 :

Two idiots were searching the city for something to do, but they only had two dollars. They didn't have enough money for any kind of fun, until they were walking around a drug store, and one idiot said, "Hey, we can have a lot of fun with this!" The other idiot said "What kind of fun can you have with a box of tampax ?" The first said, "It says right here on the box -- You can swim, you can play tennis, you can ride a horse...."

Doctor: I'm afraid I have some very bad news. You have both cancer AND Alzheimer's disease. Patient: Well, it could be worse! Doc: How could it be worse? Patient: I could have cancer!

A man wanted to give his 70 year old father a special gift for his birthday, so he hired a hooker and had her wait upstairs. He told his dad to go up the stairs because his birthday gift was waiting for him in the bedroom. The old man slowly walked up the stairs and entered the bedroom, where he saw a voluptuous blond, naked on the bed. She looked at him, writhed, and said, "I'm going to give you SUPER SEX!" The old man was silent for a minute, then said, "What kind of soup?" \nFrom: Brian MacInnis on Tue Dec 5 07:15:21 PST 1995 :

My brother was a Captain in the Virginia National Guard and was in need of a 3-hole punch. When he received his order from the supply office he had to laugh. They were all out of 3-hole punches, so they sent him 3 one-hole punches! \nFrom: Felicia Chan on Tue Dec 5 09:21:51 PST 1995 :

There once was a beekeeper and he was trying to sell his bees. He went around to all the farms, but no one would buy his bees. Finally he got to this last farm and talked the farmer into tying him (bee seller) to a tree stark naked and letting the bees loose. So the farmer agreed. The next day, the farmer looked out the back window and saw the bee seller tied to the tree with an exhausted look on his face. The farmer asked what the matter was and the bee seller said- "I had no problem with the bees as usual, but I wish that someone would teach that calf who it's mother is"

Yeah. He was type A, she was type B -- there wasn't a bloody thing they could do about it.

By the way, do you think vampires can get AIDS from just necking? \nFrom: Will Smith on Tue Dec 5 12:14:47 PST 1995 :

Whay are they called apartments if they're all stuck together?

If a rooster sitting on a roof lays an egg, which way will it fall? Neither! Rooster's don't lay eggs!

Which US automaker named the rivers in Norway? Fjord. \nFrom: Michael Rosenberg on Tue Dec 5 13:22:17 PST 1995 :

There were 3 presidents in the car. Bill Clinton, George Washington, and George Bush. George Washington said he wanted to make people happy, so he threw a 20 dollar bill out the window. Bill Clinton wanted to make more people happy, so he threw two 20 dollar bills out the window. George bush said he wanted to make even MORE people happy, so he threw Bill Clinton out the window.

One of my teachers used to dislike kids. He used to say If it wasn't for schoolchildren, I would have the rest of the day off.

What did the Hot dog say when he crossed the finish line? I'm the weener! \nFrom: Paul Howard on Tue Dec 5 15:20:54 PST 1995 :

If O.J. Simpson could get out of jail, I know where he could hide and the law would never find him. He could hide at the University of Alabama. The police would never think of looking for a Hiesman Trophy over there. \nFrom: on Tue Dec 5 16:53:05 PST 1995 :

How do yoy find a blind guy on a nude beach? Its not hard.

How are tornados, divorce court, and rednecks alike? In either one you are going to loose the trailor. \nFrom: Greg Brevig on Tue Dec 5 18:19:13 PST 1995 :

What do you call it when a frog goes to a bar, gets up on stage, and sings? Croak-ee \nFrom: Philip McCulloch on Tue Dec 5 18:34:20 PST 1995 :

for a humor magazine: ...and the answer to last weeks riddle--to get to the other side!!

Our local minister come by our house for a visit and as we were having a discussion our parrot kept saying "Let's have sex, Let's make out".After a while the minister said "My parrot sits all day and says lets pray, Why not let me bring her over here and maybe she will teach your parrot new words." We quickly agreed and the minister brought his bird to our house as arranged. Upon entry our parrot quickly said "Let's make out and have sex".After he had finished the ministers parrot shouted, "My prays are answered". \nFrom: on Wed Dec 6 08:59:14 PST 1995 :

First Hillary, then Jennifer and now the rest of us! \nFrom: Goddess on Wed Dec 6 10:46:23 PST 1995 :

Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Up his sleevies of course! \nFrom: Mark Brotherton on Wed Dec 6 10:48:45 PST 1995 :

What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.* \nFrom: Adam Zeis on Wed Dec 6 16:33:44 PST 1995 :

did you hear about the new chinese cookbook? 101 ways to WOK your dog!

A girl and a guy are in an elevator, and the girl tips off all her close and throws them on the ground and says, "Make me a women", the man takes off all his close and throws them on the ground and says pick them up. \nFrom: Sid Hatcher on Wed Dec 6 21:41:08 PST 1995 :

Farmer hears a knock at the door. Guy standing there says, "Hi my name's Joe. I'm here to get Flo. Is she ready to go? Farmer says, "I don't know" yells upstairs, "Hey Flo, it's Joe. He's here to take you to the show. Are you ready to go?" A few minutes go by and Flo comes down and Flo and Joe leave to go to the show. Farmer sits down. Knock at the door. Opens the doot. There's guy standing there. He says, "hi my names Eddy, I'm here to get Betty. We're gonna go eat some spaghetti. Is she ready \nFrom: LIsa Stringer on Thu Dec 7 13:51:12 PST 1995 :

There were three couples, one of Jewish faith, one of Catholic faith and one of Protestant faith. The entire group was returning, by plane,from an inter-faith conference when their plain crashed. Well, low and behoold, each couple found themselves at the Pearly gates facing St. Peter. St. Peter asked the Jewish man,"Sir is it true you loved money so much that yyou married a women named 'PennY'?'" And when the Jewish man answered yes, he and his wife named Penny where told to go on down to hell. They'd be better suited there. They next couple to come before St. Peter was the Catholic couple. St Peter said," Is it true, sir, that yyou love alcohol so much that you married a woman named Sherry? And when the Catholic man had answered yes, St. Peter told him to go on down to hell. He and his drink-loving wife would be better suited down there. Well about this time, the Protestant man cgrabbed his wife's and and said," Come on ,Fanny, it 's no need for us to even go up there. \nFrom: Steven Ludeke on Thu Dec 7 15:23:28 PST 1995 :

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. Aftermass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "NextSunday why don't you try putting a little vodka in your chalice

Having Alzheimers really isn't so bad, ya know. I can think of three advantages: First, you only have to own one book, second, you make new friends EVERY day, and third, you can hide your own easter eggs. \nFrom: Ken Wilson on Thu Dec 7 18:05:01 PST 1995 :

A well dressed gentlemen enters the bar of a five star restaurant, sits at the bar and orders four very expensive drinks. The bartender serves them on a silver tray, setting all four in front of the patron. The man then consumes all four drinks in a matter of seconds. The bartender comments, "Wow, you sure must have a problem." "If you had what I had," the man replies, "you'd drink them fast, too." Leaning over, the sympathetic bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Fifty cents," the man answers. \nFrom: PAUL SIMOES on Thu Dec 7 23:21:52 PST 1995 :

A JEW, A PAKKI, A BLACK MAN, AND A CANADIAN WERE WALKING THRUOGH THE DESERT. IN THEIR FINAL HOURS OF LIFE, THE JEW COMES ACROSS A MAGIC LANTERN. THE JEW RUBS THE LANTERN AND A GENIE APPEARS. GENIE SAYS: "I WILL GRANT YOU ONE WISH". THE JEW SAYS: PLEASE RETURN ME TO MY HOME LAND.!" THEN THE JEW DISAPPEARS. THEN THE PAKKI RUBS THE LANTERN AND IS ALSO GRANTED ONE WISH. HE SAYS: SEND ME TO MY HOME LAND!" THEN THE PAKKI DISAPPEARS. NEXT THE BLACK MAN RUBS THE LANTERN AND ONCE AGAIN THE GENIE SAYS: I WILL GRANT YOU ONE WISH. THE BLACK MAN SAYS: "I WISH TO GO BACK TO MY HOME COUNTRY." FINALLY THE CANADIAN, STANDING ALL ALONE RUBS THE LANTERN AND THE GENIE SAYS: I WILL GRANT YOU ONE WISH. THE CANADIAN REPLIES: WELL, THE JEW IS GONE, THE PAKKI IS GONE, AND THE BLACK GUY TOO...........UH,...JUST GIVE ME A DIET COKE. \nFrom: on Fri Dec 8 10:09:44 PST 1995 :

One day a drunk man tells the bartender, I bet you $100 that I can bite my right eye. Bartender grinned and said ok you drunk. The drunk pulled out his right fake eye out and bit it. After more drinks the drunk said, bet you $200 I can bite my left eye. Bartender knew it cant be fake so he said ok. The drunk pulls out his dentures and bites his left eye.Bartender gets really mad. Afew more drinks the drunk sais, bet you $400 that if you slide a shot glass down the bar, I can hop on each stool and pee in it without getting a drop on your bar. The bartender knew he couldnt do it so he said ok. He slid the shot glass as fast as he could. the drunk jumped on the stools and peed all over the bar and the water. The bartender jumped up and screamed in joy and happiness because he won $500. In the back he heard a man yelling. He asked whats wrong? the man said, that drunk fool bet me $1000 that he can pee on you and your bar and you would be happy about it! \nFrom: MacGregor Lendell on Sat Dec 9 08:56:54 PST 1995 :

What animal should you never play cards with? A cheetah!

One day a guy walked into a bar.....and it hurt! \nFrom: P.J. Veber on Sat Dec 9 11:06:35 PST 1995 :

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? The genealogist looks up the family tree... And the gynecologist looks up the family bush.

Then there was the guy who didn't know whether to see a sex therapist or a proctologist. That's right. The poor guy didn't know if he was coming or going.

Oh, by the way, there's a new pill that's guaranteed to cure impotence, but it has a weird side effect. You have to swallow it real fast or you get a stiff neck. \nFrom: Justin Porteous (or gregport@icon.co.za) on Sat Dec 9 12:59:18 PST 1995 :

A physician was finishing up orders on a chart as he was letting a patient go home. He casually handed the chart to the ward nurse saying, "I have a discharge." Not missing a beat the nurse replied solicitously, "Too bad, are you going to start taking some antibiotics?" \nFrom: BABY HUEY on Mon Dec 11 01:58:53 PST 1995 :

HOW MANY WEIGHTLIFTERS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHTBULB? THREE, ONE TO ACTUALLY SCREW IN THE LIGHT BULB, AND THE OTHER TWO TO STAND AROUND THE LADDER YELLING, "YOU LOOK HUGE MAN, YOU LOOK HUGE!!"

THERE IS A MOUNTAIN WITH A BROTHEL ON TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN. THERE IS ONE MAN GOING UP THE MOUNTAIN, ANOTHER HALF WAY DOWN THE MOUNTAIN, AND THE THIRD INSIDE THE BROTHEL. WHAT ARE THEIR NATIONALITIES? THE GUY GOING UP THE MOUNTAIN IS RUSSIAN, THE GUY COMING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN IS FINNISH, AND THE GUY INSIDE THE BROTHEL IS HIMALAYAN!

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLISH NATIONAL LIBRARY? SOMEONE STOLE THE BOOK! \nFrom: on Mon Dec 11 06:55:55 PST 1995 :

What do you call a man between 2 houses? Ali. What about a sheep between 2 houses? Ali Baba \nFrom: Arni Kristjansson on Mon Dec 11 11:13:27 PST 1995 :

What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted!

If 7 - 11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year why are there locks on the doors? \nFrom: anonymous on Mon Dec 11 14:04:02 PST 1995 :

Q. Do you know why they acquitted O.J. when they did? A. Thanksgiving was just around the corner and he was the only one in the family who knew how to cut up the white meat. \nFrom: Amy Wagstaff on Mon Dec 11 17:21:19 PST 1995 :

This is more or less a riddle but, You throw away the outside and cook the inside ,You eat the outside and throw away the inside what is it? Answer corn on the cob \nFrom: Lyn Misserville on Mon Dec 11 18:11:28 PST 1995 :

What do you get when you cross a yeast infection and an achy breaky heart? An itchy twichy crotch. \nFrom: PJV on Mon Dec 11 18:31:46 PST 1995 :

Okay. What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter. He's not going to come anyway. \nFrom: Noah Moore on Mon Dec 11 20:41:48 PST 1995 :

Why are there locks on bathroom doors in the Soviet union? So people don't Russian when European.

What did the math mermaid wear? An algebra.

what do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? Elephino (hell if I know). \nFrom: Tom Price on Tue Dec 12 10:21:48 PST 1995 :

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on a pile of leaves: Ans. Russell

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall: Ans. Art \nFrom: Arni Kristjansson on Tue Dec 12 12:14:49 PST 1995 :

A blonde walked into a hair salon and sat into the barber´s chair. The barber noticed that she had headphones on her head. The barber asked the blonde what kind of haircut she wanted. She didn´t reply, so the barber asked again. Again no reply. Then he was getting very annoyed so he took off her headphones. Suddenly she turned blue and fell on the floor. He checked her pulse and she was dead. He was wondering what was in her headphones so he put them on. He heard: " Inhale, Exhale, Inhale, Exhale... \nFrom: Arthur Hellman on Tue Dec 12 18:29:05 PST 1995 :

Two hungry cannibals raid a carnival in the jungle and make off with a clown. After they've roasted him to perfection they sit down around the fire and begin to eat. Suddenly, one stops in mid-chew, a concerned look on his face, and says to the other: "Does this taste *funny* to you?" \nFrom: Donald Mansell on Thu Dec 14 00:39:25 PST 1995 :

A new car salesman accompanies a client on a test drive of the latest model in his showroom. "Note the advanced technology that allows you to select a radio station of your choice without your hands leaving the steering wheel "intoned the salesman, "Try it out. Say Rock." The prospective buyer obliged and said "Rock." Sure enouogh the radio automatically recognized the word and selected a Rock and Roll station. "This is wonderful!" exclaimed the test driver, "Let's see if this voice recognition really works!" "Be assured that the technologic advances in this radio not only recognise you voice but have the "ability" to respond to your command." replied the dealer. With that the buyer tried "News" and the news station came on. He tried "Classic" and the local classical music station came on and so on. He seemed mesmerized with his ability to verbalize a command and instantly hear the radio comply by changing to the station of his choice. All of a sudden without warning another driver cut in front of the demo car almost resulting in a collision. "IDIOT!" cried out the prospective buyer. Instantly the radio station changed to Rush Limbaugh. \nFrom: Tony PIerre on Thu Dec 14 09:19:49 PST 1995 :

what happened when the skunk went to church? He had his own pew \nFrom: on Thu Dec 14 09:58:40 PST 1995 :

Tim's resourcfulness has never ceased to amaze me. Due to a bad divorce he suddenly found himself homeless and nearly broke. But by the end of the day he had enough money earned to rent a very nice apartment. what he did was take the last $50.00 dollars he had to his name and went bought some supplies from the grocery store. He got a bunch of potato chips, a large bowel and an assortment of toothbrushes. Then he set up a table outside of the store. As people would come and go he would ask them to try his new chip dip he had placed in the bowel. When they would try his new chip dip, they would spit it out and say "hey, this tastes like dog dung" He would smile and quickly reply, "it is dog dung, wanna buy a toothbrush?" \nFrom: Ron Milos on Thu Dec 14 10:46:54 PST 1995 :

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer to "and give us our daily chicken." and KFC will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. The Pope declined. 2 weeks later the man approaches the Pope again with a 50 million dollar offer. Again the Pope delcines. A month later later the man offers 100 million, the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, he announces his decision in the good news/bad news format. The good news is that we have 100 million for charities. The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account! \nFrom: Randy Kluber on Thu Dec 14 13:10:34 PST 1995 :

WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF YOU FIND AN EPILEPTIC IN YOUR SWIMMING POOL ? ANSWER - THROW IN A LOAD OF WASH !!!

WHAT DO YOU CALL A VEGATERIAN WITH DIAREEHA ? ANSWER - A SALAD SHOOTER !!

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT LITTLE JOHNNY UP IN HIS BATHROOM ONE NIGHT WHEN HIS MOTHER WALKED IN, AS SHE LOOKED DOWN AT JOHNNY STANDING IN FRONT OF THE SINK WITH TOOTH PASTE ALL OVER HIS PENIS, SHE ASKED HIM " JOHNNY, WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING ?" HE REPLIED " MOM, I DON'T WANT TO GET A CAVITY LIKE SUZY GOT !!" \nFrom: Ann Onymous on Thu Dec 14 13:10:44 PST 1995 :

A friend of mine walked into a bar at a big airport.. What? He just sat down and had a couple of drinks. Then he got on a plane and flew straight into JFK -- Big Ouch! \nFrom: Mads on Thu Dec 14 14:46:32 PST 1995 :

Why does Scots wear kilts? Because the sheep can hear the zipper miles away \nFrom: on Thu Dec 14 15:19:28 PST 1995 :

"Mommy, why do I walk in circles?" "Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor." \nFrom: John Paul Jones on Thu Dec 14 15:19:46 PST 1995 :

A Millionaire is dying, he calls his 3 closest friends to his bedside. "I know they say you can't take it with you when you go, but I want to try." He said, "I'm going to give you $1 Million apiece, if you will place it in my coffin at my funeral." They agreed, and at his funeral, they all placed envelopes in the casket. 2 Months pass, and they meet for lunch. One friend says "I have a confession, I only put $200,000 in the envelope". Another friend says "Yeah, I only put in $300,000." The third says "I'm SO disappointed! He was our friend! How could you do this? ... My envelope contained a certified check for $1,000,000". (hah)

In days of old, when knights were bold, and toilets weren't invented, they left their load in the middle of the road, and walked away contented. \nFrom: L. Phillips on Thu Dec 14 17:06:08 PST 1995 :

An 85 year old man got married to a 35 year old woman. The old man was playing checkers down at the senior citizens center. His opponent congratulated him on his recent marriage. After several checker moves....he said...I'll bet she is nice looking. No said the old man...she is rather ordinary in appearance. Several minutes later the other man said....Well, I'll bet she is a good cook, We no, replied the newlywed. In fact we eat all of our meals at various restuarants. Several more minutes passed as the checker game continued. Well.....I'll bet she has lots of money! No, in fact she was completely broke when we met. Exasperated, the other man asked.....Well why in the world did you marry for? The old man said...I needed someone who could drive at night. \nFrom: Donovan Hayden on Thu Dec 14 17:25:29 PST 1995 :

Q: Why was John Elway being questioned in the O.J Simpson trial? A: Because they wer talking about a Slow, White, Bronco.

Did you hear that you can talk to O.J Simpson Live on the internet? It's true, you just have to type in " \ \ Escape " (backslash,backslash,escape) \nFrom: PJV on Thu Dec 14 21:59:29 PST 1995 :

A young couple was expecting a visit from the pastor of their church. They wanted everything to go smoothly, but their two year old son was just getting the hang of potty training. He was at the stage where he would announce at the top of his voice, "I gotta pee," when he had to go to the bathroom. His father, worried that this might be embarrassing when the minister came to call, instructed the child, "Don't shout that you've got to pee. Whisper!" That evening the pastor makes his visit. He's there a very long time and the two year old is on one foot and the other. Finally, the minister asks him, "What's the matter, son?" The child looks at his dad and says, "I've gotta whisper!" To which the pastor says, "It's all right, child. Whisper in my ear." \nFrom: santa claus on Fri Dec 15 05:45:12 PST 1995 :

Did you hear the one about the indian who stopped at a convenience store to buy some toilet paper? He did not have enough money to by the Charmin so he bought this no-name paper. The next week he came back and told the store clerk that he had a name for this no-name toilet paper. The indian said "I call it John Wayne toilet paper, because it ruff, it tough, but it don't take no crap off no injun".

There was this great indian chief name Chief Bowels. One day the railroad laid their tracks right through Chief Bowels teepee. So the chief heads for town to talk with the railroad boss and let him know that Chief Bowels is not going to move. Once in town, the chief can only find the railroad Doctor so the chief goes to the doctor and standing tall and firm with his arms folded announces to the railroad doctor "Chief Bowels no move"! The doctor handed the chief some pills and sent him on his way. The chief went back to his teepee and the railroad was still there. The next day the chief went back into town and said to the doctor "Chief Bowels, still no move! The doctor handed chief bowels a bottle and sent him on his way. A few days later the doctor saw the chief walking back into town. When the chief approached the doctor, the doctor said "What, Chief Bowels still no move". Chief Bowels said "Chief Bowels gotta move, to much dung in teepee"! \nFrom: Gene Robinson on Sat Dec 16 13:04:01 PST 1995 :

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves? Rustle!

What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn't matter, he won't come anyway!

What do you call two guys with no arms and no legs hanging over a window? Kurt 'N Rod! \nFrom: Dr. S.N. Piramanayagam on Sun Dec 17 05:35:18 PST 1995 :

Mr.X (basically an idiot) was putting floppies from a box nearby to a bucket full of water. When asked about his intentions, he replied "Oh, I am just checking if these floppies are of high density or low density"

Mr. X. is from a not so developed place and he was not much aware of FAX but was aware of e-mail etc. He desparately wanted to send a fax to someone. So, he requested somebody to send a fax in his favour. He was watching how his friend is sending the fax. First, his friend fed the paper in the machine. When the paper came out, Mr.X. got shocked. He asked his friend "Has the FAX bounced back?"

What's the difference between Troy Aikmen and a dollar? You can at least get four good quarters out of a dollar!

On your left hand you have a hundred tires; on your right hand you have a hundred condoms. whats the difference? On your left hand you have a goodyear, on your right hand you have a great year!!! \nFrom: Keifer Antonio on Mon Dec 18 02:39:28 PST 1995 :

Two convicts on death row were assigned to be executed on the same day and in the same prison. When that fateful day arrived, the executioner asked the first convict,"Do you have any last requests?" "Yeah",he replied,"I really want to hear the song "You are not alone" one last time before I go." Then the executioner asked the second convict the same question. The second convict replied,"Yeah... Kill me first." \nFrom: PJV on Mon Dec 18 10:07:35 PST 1995 :

There's this pair of really bad guys. They've been pals their whole lives and together they've done some pretty rotten things. To them, the 10 Commandments are something to break and laugh about later. One night they're riding in a stolen convertible. They're drinking and not watching where they're going when, all of a sudden, they cross paths with an eighteen-wheeler. One of them is killed instantly. The other hangs on for a few days but finally gives up the ghost. He arrives in the Hereafter and sees his buddy already surrounded by bottles of wine and beautiful women. Stunned but very happy, the second guy wanders over to his friend who's sitting in a big easy chair watching the babes stroll by and says, "Man, this is great! Did ya ever think WE'd get into Heaven?" His friend looks at him and sighs wearily, "This ain't Heaven." Guy-number-two says, "What d'ya mean ‘This ain't Heaven'? Look at all this wine. Look at all these women." His friend says, "You see the wine bottles everywhere? They all have holes in the bottom." He pauses to let this sink in, then he says, "And you see all these beautiful women? Well... they don't." \nFrom: Mardi Halvorsen on Mon Dec 18 21:44:03 PST 1995 :

Two horses were standing in a field discussing the current events when a dog approached and asked them for directions to the nearest town. One horse turned to the other and replied in astonishment, "Imagine that! A talking dog!"

A guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc I have a problem. I guess you would call them "silent gas emissions, but they are embarassing... in fact, while I've been here talking to you I've had two of these silent gas emissions, what can you do? The doctor says "Well, the first thing we do is get your hearing checked!"

A guy goes in a bar and says "Gimme 3 double scotches"...and drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says "Wow, anybody that drinks like that has real problems...whats the deal?" The guy says "I went home early today and caught my wife in bed with my best friend!" The bartender says "Boy, thats rough...but I'm curious,...what do you say in a situation like that?" The guy says "Well I ginda lost it... all I could think to say was... BAD DOG! BAD DOG!!"

Did you hear that Elana Bobbit was killed in an automobile accident? Yeah, some prick cut her off!!! \nFrom: Tom M on Wed Dec 20 09:27:33 PST 1995 :

Do you know the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One is a scum-sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish!

What is the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you chop up an onion!!

You are driving down a dark street at night, no one around and you see a lawyer riding a bicycle. Why shouldn't you swerve and hit him? It's probably your bicycle!!! \nFrom: Bryan Alexander on Wed Dec 20 12:47:59 PST 1995 :

Were the amoeba and other unicells told to be fruitless and divide?

Did the rabbit misinterpret go hopping and about as go hopping and abound?

And finally a rehash of a good joke: How many Lenin-Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? None; the light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. \nFrom: Ann Onymous on Wed Dec 20 20:28:10 PST 1995 :

Living on the coast in the southeast, we occasionally take our cats for a stroll on the beach. Then it's fun to tell people we can see Sandy Claws all year long. \nFrom: T. Rowe on Thu Dec 21 08:19:08 PST 1995 :

3 men are out on a trip on Christams Eve and decide to take lodging for the night. They walk to a hotel and ask the price for one room - the manager tells them that he only has one room left and it costs $30. Each of men check their wallets and have exactly $10 each. They each put in their $10 dollars and proceed to go up to their room. A few minutes later, the manager, being in the Christmas spirit, calls the bellhop over and hands him 5 one-dollar bills and tells him to give the money back to the three men and to tell them that it was a Christmas discount. The bellhop is on his way up to the room and realizes that the men had not tipped him for his services of carrying their bags, etc... The bellhop decides to pocket $2 for himself and returns $3 to the men. The men split the $3 evenly and each gets $1 back. So, at the beginning of the night, each man had $10...when they left the next morning, they each had $1...this would mean that they each spent $9 at the hotel. With each of the men spending $9, this would mean that they spent $27 collectively (3 men x $9). Since the men spent $27 at the hotel and the bellhop took $2, only $29 are accounted for. What has happened to the missing dollar? \nFrom: on Thu Dec 21 14:21:21 PST 1995 :

How to get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope!

If I could send half the lawyers to a deserted island, I`d send them all half way.

Whats the most exercize men get at the beach? Suck in there tummys when they see a bikenie \nFrom: bad dog on Fri Dec 22 08:23:49 PST 1995 :

The Great Tarmac says the answer is: Line dancing at the nursing home. What was the question? I don't remember 'cause I've got oldtimer's disease. \nFrom: Charlie Bonacci on Fri Dec 22 20:06:08 PST 1995 :

What do you get whan you put 5 blondes in a Volkswagon? Farfromthinking. \nFrom: Dennis Thiel on Sun Dec 24 01:25:47 PST 1995 :

I asked my wife if she would ever get married again if I died. She said "Yeah I'm still young so I probably would." I asked her if she would let him drive my car. She said "Yeah it's a nice car so I'd let him drive it." I asked her if she would let him sleep in our bed. She said "Yeah it's nice and comfortable so I would let him sleep in it." Then I asked her if she would let him use my golf clubs and she replied: "No, he's left handed."

Did you hear about the newlywed couple who got their Vaseline and their window putty mixed up? Their windows fell out. \nFrom: hertz amnon on Sun Dec 24 09:48:06 PST 1995 :

Two guy want to learn to ice fish, they go to a local tackle shop and spend $2000 on ice fishing equipment. They then proceed to the lake where they cut a hole in the ice and spend several hours setting up their gear and catching nothing. Finally a old timer walks by them with just a bamboo rod, drills a hole in the ice about ten feet away and imediately starts to catch fish. One of the rookies goes over and asks him what his secret is but the old timer just glares at him an mumbles something unintelligible. Thinking, he has possibly taken the old mans spot the rookie walks away. The old man continues to catch fish, and the other rookie decides he'll ask for the old mans secret. He goes to the man and says "Hey, I'm sorry if we took your spot but could you tell us your secret? We're new and have never done this." The old man again glares and says "Hmmmm hrrrr hhhermmmms oooommm" the rookie asks "what was that again?" The old man glares again spits out a mouthfull of worms and says "Keep your worms warm!" \nFrom: Ann Onymous on Sun Dec 24 13:32:32 PST 1995 :

Just before the holiday break, a kindergarten teacher asked her students to draw pictures of what Christmas meant to them. One little boy drew a manger scene but included a large, jolly, fat man. His teacher said, "Oh, I see you included Santa Claus with Mary, Joseph and Jesus." But the little boy shook his head. "That's not Santa," he said, frustrated his teacher hadn't recognized the person. "Okay. Then who is it?" the teacher asked. "Don't you know? He's the guy in Silent Night. You know, right after 'All is bright..." That's 'Round John Virgin!'" \nFrom: Bailey Mathews on Mon Dec 25 13:10:13 PST 1995 :

Why did the monkey cross the road? ANSWER: Because his butt was stapled to the chicken.

Why was the crab embarrassed when he came out of the kitchen? ANSWER: Because he saw the salad dressing.

Q: How many perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Only one, but it takes 8 emergency room staff to remove it!

Q: What is 1 km long and has an asshole in the middle? A: A radar trap!

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in the obstetrician's office. The redhead and the brunette are talking. I understand that the position you are in at the time of conception helps determine the sex of the baby says the brunette. I was on top, so I'm going to have a little boy. Oh says the redhead, I was on the bottom, so I must be having a little girl. The blonde bursts into tears. What's wrong the redhead and brunette ask. OOOHHH says the blonde, I'M GOING TO HAVE PUPPIES! \nFrom: PAUL VAN TUYLE on Tue Dec 26 11:52:51 PST 1995 :

Q: What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman? A: The Stones say "Hey you, get off of my cloud". A Scotsman says, "Hey McLeod, get off of my Ewe". \nFrom: Don Worsham on Thu Dec 28 13:28:44 PST 1995 :

How do you tell a male chromosome from a female chromosome? Pull down its genes. \nFrom: Ann Onymous on Thu Dec 28 23:00:10 PST 1995 :

How can you tell a male shellfish from a female shellfish? Simple. You ask them a question. If HE answers, it's a boy. If SHE answers, it's a girl. Unless, of course, they clam up on you. \nFrom: Charles A. James on Thu Dec 28 23:48:16 PST 1995 :

Scientists using Hubble Telescope see a figure. It is GOD ! GOD is pacing and muttering "Earth, Humans - Well, back to the drawing board! \nFrom: John Bennett on Fri Dec 29 06:22:48 PST 1995 :

There's this bus driver for Sesame Street, (Fred), and he's having a very bad day on his bus route. He finished the morning round, parked the bus at the school garage and went in to talk it over with his boss (George). Fred sits down and said to George...I'm having lots of trouble on my route. George said - Tell me about it I'm here for you Fred! Okay, so Fred tells him there are these two really fat girls named Patty at his first stop. They get on the bus, go to the back and just make lots of noise. I tell them to be quiet, but they don't listen. It's very frustrating! George said - yeah, I understand, but you know, they are just kids, theyr'e going to do that. Fred: I know, its just aggrevating. George: Is that it? Fred: No. I get to the next stop, and..'you know that special ed. student named Scott?' George: yes. Fred: Well, he gets on the bus, and all the kids just tease him and make fun of him, and I try to get them to stop but they don't listen. George: Yeah, that's too bad. Fred: Then, at my last stop, Lester Cheese gets on the bus, takes his shoes and socks off, and picks his bunions all over the place and just grosses everybody out. It's awful, just awful!! George: Okay Fred, now let me get this straight, your'e telling me you've got two obese patties, special Scott and Lester Cheese picking bunions on a Sesame Street Bus? (end of very funny joke) \nFrom: Allen McNulty on Sat Dec 30 15:46:17 PST 1995 :

What did Ronald Reagan say to OJ Simpson? Hey, after this whole thing blows over why don't you and Nicole come over for dinner!

How many possums does it take to change a light bulb? 2. One to change it and the other to watch out for traffic. \nFrom: Richard Friedman on Sat Dec 30 19:11:48 PST 1995 :

Why don't the Chinese have phone books? Because there are so many Wings and so many Wongs they're afraid they'll wing the wong number.

Guy goes to see his doctor:"You've got to help me, my son thinks he's a chicken! Doctor: "How long has this been going on?" Guy: "One year" Doctor: "I don't believe it! Your son has been thinking for a year that he's a chicken and you just come to see me now; Why did you wait so long?" Guy: "Well, we needed the eggs!" - The end. \nFrom: Brian Doyle on Sun Dec 31 15:30:34 PST 1995 :

If a plane crashes on the border of Canada and Usa where do you bury the survivers? Give Up? You dont bury survivers! Hahahahahahahaha

There is a plane with five people and four parachutes. The president, the smartest woman in the world, the pilot, the priest, and the kid. The president took a parachute and jumps because he has to run the world. The smartest woman jumps because she has to help the world answer all the questions. The pilot jumps because he has to fly all of his planes. The priest says to the kid, "You can jump, I have lived my life." The kid says, "We can both jump." The priest says how? The kid says, "The smartest woman in the world took my back pack!" \nFrom: Michael Nowlin on Mon Jan 1 12:45:28 PST 1996 :

know why blondes have one more brain cell than horses,so they don't poo-poo in the street during a parade \nFrom: Muhammed Desai on Mon Jan 1 13:51:43 PST 1996 :

Pundit, fresh from India, comes to the United States. Baffled by washing machines and dryers, he decides to dry his clothes the old fashoined way. This morning he placed his only shirt on the roof of his house to dry. When he returned in the evening to find his shirt blown onto the street, with many tire marks running across it, he exclaimed: "Boy, good thing I wasn't wearing that shirt today!" \nFrom: Richard Lasker on Mon Jan 1 15:03:36 PST 1996 :

What has three heads, vocal chords like a banshee, and arms of steel? Answer: My mother in-law

A psychiatrist is treating a group of delusional patients. These patients are confused about who they are, some believing they are famous people from history. The doctor is sure he can help them if he can just get them to think logically, so he calls them to his office. The first patient is a man named Smith, who thinks that he's Napoleon. "How are you, Mr. Smith?" Asks the doctor. "I'm not this ‘Smith,' I am Napoleon Bonaparte!" Comes the indignant reply. "Well, how do you know you're Napoleon?" Asks the doc, carefully trying to get Mr. Smith to examine his thinking. The man stuffs his hand in his shirt front and says, "Because God made me Napoleon." A smug little grin begins to creep across his face, as if he'd won this argument, when, suddenly, the squeaky, high-pitched voice of another patient rings out: "No I di-dn't!" \nFrom: MICHAEL J. NESTERUK on Tue Jan 2 18:40:14 PST 1996 :

Women are like computers, the more you put into them (money, gifts, etc), the more you will get out of them. \nFrom: Erika Zorn on Wed Jan 3 09:07:14 PST 1996 :

A woman is 7 months pregnant with her second child. She goes to her doctor for her monthly physical and finds her doctor is on holidays. A very young doctor is in his place and asks her to undress for the usual physical. She is laying on the examining table and as he is checking her belly the doctor has a very strange look on his face. Several times he exams her stomach, looks up at her and exams her stomach again. She is getting concerned and asks what the problem is. The doctor grabs her file and asks her, "well, I thought you said the first pregnancy was natural and you didn't have a cesarean". She explains that is correct. He frowns and points to a line on her belly with concern. She looks down and starts to laugh and explains that this is simply an imprint from the seam of her pantyhose. The doctor turns red and mumbles that of course that is the case and tells her everything is fine as he rushes out of the office. \nFrom: Alan Henson on Wed Jan 3 12:01:42 PST 1996 :

A scientist has a frog a tells it to jump. It jumps 20 feet. He cuts of a leg then tells it to hop, it then hops 15 feet. He again cuts off a leg and again tells it to hop, this time it hops 10 feet. Then he cuts off another leg and tells it to hop, it hops 5 feet. He then cuts off the last leg and tells it to hop. HOP! HOP! HOP! he says, the frog will not hop. He records all of his findings in his log book: 4 legs = 20ft, 3 legs = 15ft, 2 legs = 10ft, 1 leg = 5ft, 0 legs = FROG DEAF! \nFrom: B.S. Grant on Sun Jan 7 11:46:58 PST 1996 :

A baby polar bear is walking across the snow and the ice when he comes to his mother. "Momma, am I a real polar bear?" He asks. "But of course you are, go ask your father." She replies. So the baby polar bear walks across the snow unitl he comes to his father. "Papa, am I a real 100% polar bear?" "Of course! I'm a polar bear and so is your mother, so that makes you one too! Go ask gran'paw." replies his father. so the baby polar bear walks out across the ice until he finds his gran'paw. "Gran'paw, am I a true, 100% genuine polar bear?" "Of course you are! We come from a long line of polar bears! Why do you ask?" replies granpaw. And the baby polar bear looks up at him and says " 'Cause I'm F***ING FREEZING!!" \nFrom: John F. Freudeman on Sun Jan 7 11:49:04 PST 1996 :

In the wilds of British Columbia, a tribe of Dic Dic Indians has perfected bear hunting to a fine art in order to ensure their survival. First they dig a deep hole and then start a large fire of Douglas Firs nearby. When the glowing embers have burnt thenselves out, they take the remaining ashes and place them in the bottom of the hole. The top of the hole is then surrounded by a row of peas about six inches apart. They then climb nearby trees and wait. When the bear comes to take a pea they jump down and kick him in the ash hole.

Whikle walking in the park one day as lovers are want to do...........I stepped upon a gentleman's back, alady's voice said "Thank You".

What is old and wrinkled and hangs out your shorts?.........Your mother. \nFrom: D. Sean Williams on Sun Jan 7 19:52:50 PST 1996 :

"To catch a bus, one must first think like a bus." \nFrom: Daniel Griffiths on Mon Jan 8 05:59:16 PST 1996 :

What do you call a man who is stuck in some leaves Answer: Russel

What do you call a man with a seagul on his head Answer: Cliff

What do you call a man with a car on his head Answer: Jack \nFrom: Doug on Tue Jan 9 05:49:10 PST 1996 :

Million man march: only thing missing was 5 miles of chain and an auctioneer

Once upon a time there lived an old woman and her cat. One evening the old woman was cleaning her attic with her cat at her side, when she came upon an old lamp. The lamp had an inscription on the side but it was too dusty to make it out. And when she began to rub the lamp a genie popped out! He said "I am a genie (go figure), and I will grant you any three wishes." The old woman knew in an instant what she wanted to wish for. "First," she said, "I wish to be young and beautiful, secondly, I wish to be very, very rich, and finally I wish that you would turn my cat into a handsome prince." In a puff of smoke her three wishes came true. She was young and beautiful (resembling a supermodel), second, she was surrounded by mounds and mounds of gold, and thirdly, in the place of her cat, stood a very well dressed prince. In an instant they were in each others arms. And in a deep, sexy voice the prince said to the woman, "Now...aren't you upset that you had me neutered?" \nFrom: Mushka Haramaunga on Wed Jan 10 18:52:34 PST 1996 :

Q: How can you tell if your weatherman is Italian? A: He refers to the Whopler radar.

Q What is the last thing a fly has going through his mind when he hits a car window? A: His ass

Q Why is the sky blue? A: Its not, its really red but you all are colorblind. \nFrom: Mandii Welsh on Wed Jan 10 21:23:25 PST 1996 :

If they can make a little black box invincible, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same stuff??

Did you hear about the constipated Accountant? He used a pencil to budget!! \nFrom: Chris Rodkey on Thu Jan 11 08:32:08 PST 1996 :

A engineer, a doctor and a politician were sitting in a dark room arguing over whose practice was the oldest. The doctor felt he had won because the first rib was taken out of Adam and given to Eve. This was a surgical procedure. The Engineer said that Earth was made out of chaos, therefore making his work the oldest. But then, the politician asked, "Who do you suppose created the chaos?"

A book never written: Vegatables, by Brock O. Lee

A joke for plumbers only: A apprentice was working on a sprinkler system with his teacher. The teacher askes for a 10" gangly wrench. The apprentice dissagreed, and told him that a 10" gangly wrench could not be used with that sprinkler head. So the teacher got Volume 7 of the Kindling Manual, and read aloud, "The 10" Gangly wrench can be used with the finley sprocket!" Then the apprentice leans over and explains with a sneer, "It says Sprocket, not Socket!" \nFrom: Mark Salentine on Thu Jan 11 13:01:51 PST 1996 :

How do you escape from the inside of an elephant? Run around until you get pooped out!

She criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.

How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, the sockets go with the house. \nFrom: Mark Salentine on Thu Jan 11 13:31:35 PST 1996 :

Grandpa, get off the stove! You're too old to ride the range!

Why did the punk rocker cross the road? He was stapled to a chicken! \nFrom: Jason Edwards on Thu Jan 11 14:07:26 PST 1996 :

Why doesn't mexico have an olympic team? Because all the ones that can run, jump,or swim have already left the country.

What does the hot dog say when he crosses the finish line..."I'm the WEINER!!" \nFrom: on Thu Jan 11 18:59:58 PST 1996 :

Two Dolphins walked into the bar, but they are ok as they didn't hurt themselves.

Two Dolphins walked in a bar and ordered 3 Scotchs. The Bartender said "But there are only two of you." One Dolphin replied "My brother wants his on the rocks"

What is the difference between a pigeon and a goat? One mucks up fountains. \nFrom: Mandii Welsh on Thu Jan 11 20:08:54 PST 1996 :

What did the biscuit say when he was hit by a car? Oh Crumbs \nFrom: BILL MACZEES on Thu Jan 11 20:55:23 PST 1996 :

THE RUSSIAN SERGEANT WAS REVIEWING HIS TROOPS ALONG WITH HIS CAPTAIN. AFTER THE REVIEW THE CAPTAIN SAID ALL WAS FINE EXCEPT THAT THE TROOPS SHOULD CHANGE THEIR UNDERWEAR SINCE THEY ALL SMELLED BADLY! AFTER THE CAPTAIN LEFT, THE SERGEANT TURNED TO HIS TROOPS AND TOLD THEM WHAT THE CAPTAIN SAID, SO HE TOLD IVAN TO CHANGE WITH BORIS, VLADIMIR CHANGE WITH IGNACE, PETROV CHANGE WITH ANTON!

AT AN ITALIAN BAZAAR ALL GATHERED FOR THE RAFFLE. THE COORDINATOR TOLD ALL THAT THE FIRST PICK OF THE TICKET WOULD BE THE THIRD PRIZE, THE SECOND PICK THE SECOND, AND THE LAST PICK THE FIRST PRIZE. SOMEONE PICKED THE FIRST TICKET AND HE CALLED OUT, TONY CROSETTI, HE'S A THE WINNER! TONY CLAIMS HIS PRIZE WHICH IS A DOZEN PIES AT LOUIE'S PIZZA SHOP! HEY, THAT'S A NICE A PRIZE! NOW WE PICKA THE SECOND PRIZE! LEO PEPPERONI! LEO COMES TO CLAIM HIS PRIZE-- WHADDA I WIN? YOU WINA THE NICE A CHOCOLATA CAKE! WHATA KIND OF PRIZE IS A CHOCOLATA CAKE FOR SECOND PRIZE WHEN TONY HE WINA THE 12 PIZZA PIES? SHUTUP, MY WIFE A SHE MAKE A THAT CAKE! SCREW YOUR WIFE! THAT'S A THE FIRST A PRIZE!!!

ONE LITTLE BOY ASKED ANOTHER WHAT WAS THE MEANEST ANIMAL IN THE WORLD? THE FIRST THOUGHT AND SAID IT MUST BE A LION! NO, IT AIN'T NO LION!!! TAKE A SECOND GUESS!!! WELL, IT MUST BE A TYYGER!! NOPE, IT AIN'T NO TYYGER!, I GIVE YOU ONE MORE TRY!! WELL, THE MEANEST ANIMAL IN THE WORLD MUST BE A RHINCOSEROS! NOPE, IT AIN'T NO RHINOCOSEROS! THEN WHAT'S THE MEANEST ANIMAL IN THE WORLD?? THE MEANEST ANIMAL IN THE WORLD IT IS A CROCOGATOR! A CROCOGATOR?? I AIN'T NEVER HEARD OF THAT KIND OF ANIMAL, WHAT KIND OF ANIMAL IS THAT? THAT THE KIND OF ANIMAL HE HAVE THE HEAD OF AN ALLIGATOR ON THE ONE END AND HEAD OF A CROCODILE ON THE OTHER END!! WELL THEN, HOW DO HE S__T? THAT'S WHAT MAKES HIM SO MEAN ! \nFrom: Stuart Hall on Fri Jan 12 06:25:38 PST 1996 :

Two parrots sitting on a perch - one says to the other "can you smell fish?"

Two duck in a pond, one says "quack", the other says "I knew you were going to say that" \nFrom: Fraces Philloposcy on Fri Jan 12 08:11:49 PST 1996 :

St. Peter is standing at the gates of heaven letting the good enter and crossing names off of his list. Suddenly Jesus walks by. St. Peter says "Jesus, I sure could use a break." Jesus replies "Go ahead, I'll take over for a bit." So, Jesus takes the list in hand and moves on to the next hopeful entrant. "What's your name?" Jesus asks the little old man. "I can't remember" he replies. "Then I can't let you in." Jesus begins "Can you at least tell me something about yourself?" The little old man says"Well, the only thing I can remember is that I'm a carpenter and that I have a VERY famous son." Jesus' eyes light up and he opens his arms up wide "Father!" he exclaims. "Pinochio?!?" replies the old man. \nFrom: Steve Kling on Sat Jan 13 10:59:41 PST 1996 :

There's a bar on top of a very large building, a man walks in and gets a shot of Tequilia, then goes and jumps off the building, a few minutes later he appears in the elevator and repeats the whole process, finally man askes him what he is doing, the man replies "The Tequilia provides bouyancy anf I float down and land gently, you should try it." So the other man takes a shot of Tequilia and jumps off the building "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSpat!!!" The bartender looks at the first guy and says "Superman, you can be a jerk when you're drunk!"

Some theologians were trying to figure out how old Isacc was when he was about to be sacraficed. The Thelogians set a minimum age of 6 because he could tell there wasn't a sacrafice and was able to help carry the wood, They also set a maximum age of 12, because if he was over that he would be a teenager, and that wouldn't have been a sacrafice. \nFrom: Mark Salenitne on Sat Jan 13 12:59:07 PST 1996 :