Worst Week Ever!: Jan. 9-15

As a sign of growing maturity and responsibility, WWE!is
going to refrain from making some sort of poop joke about the proposal
to install new public toilets downtown. The solar powered,
graffiti-proof units will be open around the clock, with the first to be
installed at Findlay Market. According to the blog by Citizens Opposed
to Additional Spending and Taxes (which has the same effect on brain
activity as deeply inhaling and holding in a big breath of paint fumes),
“Councilman Chris Seelbach is now pushing the City to buy $130,000
public toilets! Just like the ones they have in...You Guessed
It...Portland! We haven’t seen this many Pacific Northwest Poseurs in
Cincinnati since the grunge era!” The group plans to keep using
exclamation points to punctuate every sentence and making terrible jokes
to articulate its point that if money is spent to modernize Cincinnati
we’ll all soon be marching outside of the Kremlin along with our
socialist president.

THURSDAY JAN. 10

Blue Ash city officials today apologized
for a private fireworks celebration held at a local event center. A
combination of leafless trees, low humidity and the fireworks being way
louder than expected combined to scare residents. The apology states
that the event was “simply a means of celebration, not intended to
frighten or upset anyone.” To avoid further unannounced pyrotechnic
displays, Blue Ash plans on downloading AC/DC’s “For Those About to
Rock” into the city’s tornado siren system and playing the song on
repeat for one hour before anything gets blown up within city limits
from now on.

FRIDAY JAN. 11

Bruno Mars’ hit “Locked Out of Heaven”
has become the first song to be streamed a million times in a single
week on Spotify.

Related content

In recognition of this momentous occurrence, the music
streaming service will allow listeners to check out the full-length
album and only hear two personal lubricant commercials during it instead
of the four or five listeners are usually treated to.

SATURDAY JAN 12

In a scheme that must be admired for its
absurdity, a former teacher is suing her Cincinnati school district for
discrimination. The grounds for her suit are that she is scared of young
children and suffers from “chest pains, vomiting, nightmares and higher
than healthy blood pressure” when she has to be around them. Although
it’s not hard to understand how she feels about kids, it will be very
interesting to see how the presiding judge rules in this case. Lawyers
are optimistic that a compromise can be reached, in which the younger
kids she is assigned to teach will be forced to start wearing bifocals
and cotton-ball beards to class every day.

SUNDAY JAN. 13

After an online petition to the White House calling for the construction of the Star Wars
Death Star got more than 25,000 signatures, the administration
recognized the idea with an official rejection. The Office of Management
and Budget’s response cites the “more than $850 quadrillion” it would
cost to build the Death Star as the biggest reason the project can’t be
undertaken. It goes on to explain that usually when the government sinks
that type of money into a project, it’s for something with little use
that most of the country doesn’t think is a great idea. A new petition
is now being circulated online suggesting that if Death Star is out of
our price range, perhaps we can still build the one shaped like a vacuum
featured in Spaceballs.

MONDAY JAN. 14

The U.S. Food and Drug Administration
today called for Ambien and equivalent memory-blanking sleepy time pills
to lower the standard dosages. At current dosages, people risk being
impaired and extra zombie-like in the morning. Instead of prescribing 10
mg pills, physicians are being urged to offer the 5 mg version. While
it is unsettling to know that doctors all over the country have been
significantly over-prescribing powerful sedatives, at least this problem
is being addressed. The agency would have figured this out sooner, but
the user testing they did wasn’t of much use since none of the
participants could definitely say if the things that happened between
the time they took the pill and woke up the next morning were dreams or
not.

TUESDAY JAN. 15

Facebook today announced a new tool that
will enable users to search pictures, posts and likes. The new function,
which Mark Zuckerberg called the “graph search,” finds and sorts
content in a manner that will modernize and increase the efficiency of
creeping to new levels. The graph search is a comprehensive and accurate
tool that one day might be able to tell users why Facebook has become
super boring and worthless but you still can’t stop scrolling through it
way too many times a day.