Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Washington, D.C.--Elena Kagan impressed Democratic Senators with her "extreme modesty" in both dress and speaking style as she appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee for her Supreme Court confirmation hearing.

Wearing a straight jacket and mouth guard and strapped to an adjustable gurney, Kagan appeared to distance herself from a law review article she wrote previously in which she said Supreme Court Justice confirmation hearings had "taken on an air of vacuity and farce" because Senators refused to pin down nominees on their legal views and pursue a more "substantive inquiry" into the nominee's positions on particular legal issues.

Through muffled sounds, Kagan appeared to say her earlier article had been "skewed ... a little too much" in favor of candid answers, before she went silent and was wheeled away.

Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy (D-VT) praised Kagan's "remarkable modesty" and said he looked forward to her release into a lifetime position at the Supreme Court.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Washington, D.C.--Several self-interested power-hungry schemers testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee in favor of the nomination of Elena Kagan to the Supreme Court after the New York Times reported that Kagan "never reveal[ed] too much of herself" and "never [went] too far out on a political limb" in order to follow a "calculated path" to the High Court, which was her "goal from the very beginning."

"I think Ms. Kagan is perfect for a lifetime position in which she could rewrite the Constitution for everyone," said Rachel Horntower, a noted suck-up and coldly calculating high school senior and law-student-to-be who never answers controversial questions in class to preserve her political viability. "I've already sacrificed my childhood and growing years engaged in relentlessly ambitious scheming, and some day I, too, hope to enjoy power in proportion to that sacrifice."

Senate Judiciary Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy (D-VT) praised the testimony, saying he could not think of a better person to be in a position to "crush the Constitution like a fragile bird's nest" than someone like Ms. Kagan who had "plotted and strategized their entire life to achieve vast, unchecked power."

Friday, June 18, 2010

Washington, D.C.--The House and Senate moved quickly today to legislatively reverse the listing of Members of Congress on the "invasive species" list.

Invasive species are defined as foreign species that alter the environment in ways that support their own existence over native species. Members of Congress were designated as invasive after they passed the DISCLOSE Act, federal legislation that limits the ability of non-profit and for-profit corporations, but not unions, to criticize incumbents, and the Federal Trade Commission issued a draft proposal to have the federal government provide "direct and indirect" taxpayer-funded bailouts of journalists with the inevitable limits on free speech that would come with such federal funding.

"Once a species with an instinct for European socialist regulatory policies begins to restrict the ability of native American species to compete in a free market of ideas," said one political environmental expert, "it becomes invasive."

Members of Congress were placed on the list behind the brown tree snake and the Chinese mitten crab amidst concerns federal representatives "might soon even crowd out cockroaches."

Washington, D.C.--With liberal, judicial activist Supreme Court Justices increasingly ignoring the text of the Constitution and interpreting it in contorted ways that further their own policy preferences, Rep. John Fuller has introduced a constitutional amendment that would list the personal cell phone numbers of those Justices in the document's Article III.

"No one can be sure what the Constitution says any more without consulting the personal opinions of five of the nine unelected Supreme Court Justices," said Fuller. "So it only makes sense to make the Constitution more accessible to everyone by making the Justices more accessible."

Some legal scholars said being able to reach the Justices by phone could strengthen the rule of law by making it possible to determine "what side of the bed the Justices got out on on any given day." But other court observers said that if the amendment were adopted, the liberal judicial activist Justices would likely negate it through their own twisted reading.

Washington, D.C.--The day after announcing he would address leadership questions surrounding his handling of the Gulf oil spill by appointing a "czar" to deal with the crisis, President Obama tapped the head of a federal agency to appoint members of a commission to select a czar in charge of all other presidential leadership decisions.

"Today I take the bold step of having one of my cabinet members choose a dozen commissioners who will select a czar to make leadership decisions," said Obama. "No longer will the need for decisive action go unmet by someone who reports to a commission within an agency under the supervision of an unelected cabinet member."

The commission was expected to eventually produce take-aways regarding the formulation of the criteria for action items that would inform the contours of the logo that would accompany guidelines regarding the czar's core responsibilities.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

New York, New York--Following news that the federal government will spend $30,500 per household in 2010, a record spending pace not seen since World War II, the credit rating agency Moody's Investors Service officially downgraded its rating of President Obama's s**t to "stinks."

The news came as a shock to investors worldwide, as the popular wisdom had long been that Obama's s**t "just didn't stink," in the words of one international investor.

A spokesman for Moody's said the new lower rating of "toilet grade" was required by an analysis of Obama's budget, which shows a level of federal borrowing that will cause the national debt to double over the next decade.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Washington, D.C.--Money continued to gush from a runaway U.S. Capitol Building as engineers worked to close the vents on a reinforced dome to help stem the damage.

But technicians are having trouble closing the vents in the dome because of fears the pressure inside -- created by a push for more cap and tax energy legislation in response to the Gulf oil spill -- would become so great the savings of future generations would blast through the seal.

The cap remains a temporary measure, as federal legislative profligacy is expected to continue at least until the August congressional recess.

"But we're pressing ahead," said one fiscal expert, "because every day the leak goes uncapped this unprecedented debt stains more and more young Americans and kills their prospects for future economic well-being."

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Washington, D.C.--Congressional Democrats, whose policies have proven unpopular and deeply divisive, have decided they will campaign in 2010 against William Howard Taft, who left office in 1913.

"We're still living with the devastating legacy of our twenty-seventh president," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, "and we Democrats stand for change."

"Look, America was saddled with the Payne-Aldrich Tariff Act of 1909 for many years before we Democrats took over," said Chris Van Hollen, chairman of the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee. "And it's going to take a lot more time for us to overcome the lingering effects of former Attorney General George W. Wickersham's tenure."