LINK OF THE YEAR: I keep forgetting to mention THE TRUTH. This is where I get all my news... Ze does the thinking, so I don't have to. Somebody give him a correspondent gig on The Daily Show ASAP.

If you hadn't already guessed, I am a very self-centered person. The entire world revolves around me, and if something doesn't affect me, I really don't care about it. In order to understand the New World Order, I have made these helpful illustrations to explain it to you...

It's quite simple, really. Some people might call me a narcissist, but I prefer to think of it as "reality". Unfortunately, not everybody understands how reality is supposed to work.

Here's an example...

I am terrible at remembering dates. I can barely remember when my own birthday is, let alone somebody else's birthday. This can be quite embarrassing with my friends, and so I've come up with a way to fix it. What I do is go to the Hallmark Card Shop at the beginning of every year and buy about thirty "Happy Belated Birthday" cards. I fill them all out for my friends and stick them in my sock drawer. Then, when I find out that it's my birthday, I realize that other people have birthdays too, and so I go to my sock drawer and mail the belated birthday wished to all my friends.

It's not a perfect system, but I've been doing it for years and it works for me.

Except this year I even forgot about the cards, so they didn't get mailed until a week ago.

Then this morning I get a phone call...

Mobile Phone: Ring! Ring! Ring!

Dave: Hello.

Meagan: YOU ASSHOLE! IT'S BAD ENOUGH THAT YOU FORGET MY BIRTHDAY EVERY YEAR AND SEND ME THIS BELATED SHIT... BUT NOW YOU ARE SENDING BELATED-BELATED BIRTHDAY CARDS?!? WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO WORK THE CALENDAR IN YOUR COMPUTER?!? IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT YOU TYPE MY F#@%ING NAME IN SO THAT I ACTUALLY GET A BIRTHDAY CARD ON MY BIRTHDAY? WHAT THE F#@%?!?!

Dave: Uhhhh. Okay. When is your birthday again?

Meagan: AGAIN?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN "AGAIN"?? YOU NEVER KNEW IT IN THE FIRST PLACE! MY BIRTHDAY IS TOMORROW ASSHOLE!! EVERY YEAR YOU SEND ME A BELATED CARD 330 DAYS LATE, BUT THIS YEAR YOU ACTUALLY SENT IT ON TIME, BUT YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT, AND SO HERE I AM GETTING THIS BELATED SHIT!!

Dave: Yes. I can see how you might be upset about that...

Meagan: UPSET?!? UPSET?!?! DO I EVER F#@%ING FORGET YOUR F#@%ING BIRTHDAY? NO! AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?!? BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO USE A F#@%ING CALENDAR!!

Dave: That is pretty bad. Hey, did you watch Veronica Mars last night?

Meagan: Oh yeah... can you believe that XXXX totally XXXX to XXXX and got him XXXX in that stadium? How cool was that?*

(* mad-libbed to prevent spoilerage)

I think I'm safe.

Until next year, anyway.

But here's the problem. That card was actually for last year's birthday. And so now I am confused as to what to do. Since her birthday is tomorrow, I could send a new card for this year's birthday, but it would have to be another belated card because it won't get there tomorrow. But if I send a belated card, then that means I have to remember not to send another belated card next year for this year. But if I do that, then forget to send the card the next year, then this year's card should have been for next year's birthday, but it says "belated" when it really isn't.

Crap. Maybe this actually would be a lot easier if I learned how to work my calendar.

Hopefully Veronica Mars will get a third season, because then I can worry about this in 2008 and focus on more important things. Like me.

SSP: If you think Meagan was freaking about getting a late card on time… you should hear her go ballistic about how e-cards are impersonal, artificial, and bad-excuses for REAL cards. If I were to send her an iCard, I think she would drive all the way up here and kick my ass! 🙂

Anthony: Really? I stopped watching Lost quite a while ago because it was boring me. They just keep stringing the story along without providing any answers. They need to wrap things up and move on to something new.

Nicole: See Meagan? I hope you’re happy… that’s TWO people you’ve spoiled VM for! If it’s any consolation, that’s the least interesting part of the show. Hmmm… just in case, I’ll edit this entry…

Don’t be fooled into thinking that if you set a calendar reminder it will actually work! I know that I have set reminders for different individuals’ birthdays on my phone since I figure it’s a rather convenient way to remind me to call them on their birthday.

So I go ahead and set a reminder to go off at sometime in the middle of the day on their day of birth, but do I ever get a reminder on those days? NO! When does the reminder go off? Months down the road at what seems to be a completely random time! What makes the whole situation even more confusing is that calendar gives me the reminder on the wrong day but still flashes the correct birthdate! I must be taking crazy pills or something!

In any case, don’t trust the calendars (at least not on your cell phone)!

Chaz: See… now if I had THAT as an excuse, I might get off the hook! I need to get me a faulty mobile phone with a random calendar too!

Adena: That’s what Anthony is telling me! A whole episode devoted to my greatness, and I missed it!! Seems I just can’t catch a break lately! 🙂

Chanakin: I’d probably still be in trouble, because everybody knows that the USPS can’t deliver ANYWHERE in one day! She would absolutely demand a better excuse than that! 😀

Naomi: Hey! Now those are the best friends to have… they totally ACCEPT you as an asshole, and don’t care if you don’t want to change! Now there’s a solution… I can get new friends who totally accept my innate assholedness!

dave, i dont get you… not because of this last posting really, but i’ve been reading the rest of your blog and i cant avoid thnking: “what kind of girls did this guy date?” because you talk so much crap about them, it actually makes me think you were never able to go out with a nice inteligent woman.. what is the deal?

Sandra: Would that I could afford to send you diamonds for your birthday! Unfortunately, while diamonds might POSSIBLY fly out my ass… it seems unlikely. Still, if it should happen, expect a few ass-diamonds on your special day. 🙂

Jodi: Rumor is that Veronica gets a third season on the newly merged WB/UPN network. I hope it’s true!

Rabbit: Yes, but my friends NEED me. They LOVE me. I just can’t abandon them… I don’t have the heart for it!

Deb LA: Seeeeeee! Something IS better than nothing!! Deb says so!

Jenny:BP: Hmmm… well, Meagan and I never dated… she’s one of my closest friends. As for dating, I have not been especially lucky. I’ve had four “serious” relationships, and only one of them ended on good terms. I am surprised to here you say “I talk so much crap about them”, because I make a point of not discussing my personal life on my blog. I can only think of a handful of times in the past three years it has even come up. Heaven only knows I wouldn’t mind finding a nice, intelligent woman… so I wish I knew what the deal was! 🙂 Probably because I travel a lot and work most of the time. 🙁

I don’t know how the world is revolving around you, when according to my former friends, it is currently revolving around ME. Perhaps your world is in another time-space continuum.

Birthday cards: I used to be a Hallmark Gold Crown card member, for goodness sake. People loved me because I never forgot them. But one day, I ran out of stamps, and that was the end of that. If only I could acquire more postage stamps perhaps I can not only get my gold card status reinstated, but also win back the love of my friends and family. Or not. Stick with your belated card plan, and don’t send another card unless you actually DATED the inside of the card. (If you did then, then I can’t help you.)

Birthdays… grrr… I have been trying to avoid friends organising things for mine. There will be embarrassing moments where I will have to nice and sociable, when all I really want is to hide inside and pretend it’s not happening.
Can I get an Opt Out of Birthday Card?

Dave, Dave, Dave (I knew you’d like the sound of that) remember….’i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’…how are your friends supposed to believe that you put them second if you don’t know how to spell “friends”?

Meagan only seems to yell when she’s kidding around for something… but has also been known to yell at other people on the road while driving. A lot. Amazing how stupid drivers can bring it out in a person. It sure works on me!

Add a Comment

I love comments! However, all comments are moderated, and won't appear until approved. Are you an abusive troll with nothing to contribute? Don't bother. Selling something? Don't bother. Spam linking? Don't bother.PLEASE NOTE: My comment-spam protection requires JavaScript... if you have it turned off or are using a mobile device without JavaScript, commenting won't work. Sorry.

Your personal information is optional. Email addresses are never shown, and are only used by me if a public reply would be too personal or inappropriate here. The URL link to your web site or blog will be provided, so only fill this in if you want people to visit!