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So Refreshing

This is different. I have had a few relationships in the past where I thought I was accepted despite my Positive status. I was so use to being accepted only in the shadows. I still have people in my life who are ok with having a friend who is HIV positive as long as no one else knows. I can remember being invited to share my story at a school and being told by the person that I was dating at the time that I can’t do it because they knew people who lived near that school. The fear was in the fact that somehow his friends would find out that the women he “loved” was HIV positive.

The relationship that I’m in now is so different from anything that I have ever experienced. I have been in relationships with women before but never anything that was truly open and honest so it was never serious. She took it upon herself to tell her friends all about me. I was afraid to accept them to my facebook page for fear of them finding out that she was dating an HIV positive woman. She told me that she had already told them and they were just as ok about it as she was. This relationship is one that allows me to be me. I don’t have to hide anymore and that feels amazing.

We went to the book store with a friend of hers who is now my friend as well. We will call her Ricky. Ricky shared a very intimate story about how she was once taken advantage of. This got me to thinking about the times in the past when I was in similar situations. Trying to keep my diagnosis a secret has often lead me to playing the role of the oblivious girl right on the verge of danger. I explained a situation to her that I worked really hard to forget.

I was about 19 and in one of my depressed moods. I turned to my normal reckless behavior to get over it. I called the party line and hooked up a date with some random stranger. I had him pick me up at the library and we went to get something to eat. After that I expected to get dropped off back at the library. He said he wanted to show me something. He got on the freeway and drove to a city I was unfamiliar with I asked where he was taking me and he said “You will see soon it’s a surprise.” My heart beat quickened and I contemplated telling him about the fact that I was born positive as a way to make him change his mind if he had bad intentions. That could have ended very badly. He got off the freeway and I made up my mind that I was getting out of that car at the next possible chance. I slowly took off my seat belt, He stopped at a red light and I quickly jumped out the car and ran in the opposite direction. I looked back and saw him get out the car to close the door. I kept running and didn’t look back any more. I saw a city bus and I waved hysterically praying that it would stop. The driver opened the door and I jumped on board. I told the driver that I was on a date and I was afraid that he was going to try to hurt me. I was in tears as I explained that I had no idea where I was and I didn’t have any money but if I could get close to the Downtown Union Station I could get home. The driver gave me a day pass and told me he would tell me where to get off and what bus I needed to get to where I was going.

I asked Ricky if she knew about me being positive after sharing this story with her. She just shook her head yes. I told her that we all have reasons for doing reckless things but during those times we needed to turn to the people who we know we can trust. She was very clear about the fact that she was now one of those people for me and I was one of those people for her. She and I both dropped a few tears while sitting in the café of the book store and I could tell that she would be one of those people who would be in my life for a very long time. This relationship is bringing on more positive relationships and it’s pulling me out of the shadows.

For a really long time I found it hard to love and even harder to trust. She and I are not perfect people and we both have a lot to learn about the other but I don’t see us ever having a problem that we can’t work out.

I’m looking forward to reading a book titled The Five Love Languages. I was advised by a friend that it would benefit me in all situations when communicating with others. Look forward to the growth and strength I will gain from this book.

Lynnea April Garbutt was born in Los Angeles California. She found out about her HIV status at the age of 7. For as long as she could remember she has had dreams of being a model. The older she got the more she saw her dream fading away. She felt that no one would consider her to be beautiful because of all the hurtful things she heard said about HIV positive people. At the age of 20 she realized that no matter what people said she was still beautiful and HIV was never a part of her appearance. Lynnea wanted to spread the message that HIV could happen to anyone, and they would still be beautiful. In 2006 Lynnea, age 21, lived her dream of being a model by enlisting the help of a friend and The National Association of People With AIDS also known as NAPWA. The Positively Beautiful Fashion Show came to life during the Positive Youth Institute at The Ryan White National Youth Conference.
Lynnea, who is now 30 years old, still feels passionate about inspiring other positive people to recognize their own beauty while proving to the world that HIV has no look.
In May of 2014 Lynnea found out that another seemingly impossible dream of hers would soon come true. She grew up believing that motherhood would never be apart of her story. In November she gave birth to her beautiful HIV negative baby girl. Lynnea now knows that it is her calling to continue to educate the world about HIV/AIDS and what a positive life entails. She has experienced stigma and ignorance as well as amazing love and support. Lynnea has a story to tell and it is Positively Beautiful!