17 September 2008

For those interested in contributing to Hurricane Relief Efforts, some of the folks at Wunderground.com have started a relief effort. All the donations go straight to supplies, etc. for the area. You can read more about it here - IKE ReliefYou will start to see the extent of the disaster over the next few weeks, if media coverage doesn't make it go away. We were blessed with minimal damage - but the Bay areas.......... Up to you. But anything you give will be used immediately and directly into the emergency areas.

16 September 2008

Houston got whacked pretty hard. I got out this time. No 29 hour ordeal. My house survived and we were very fortunate. Send your prayers for those down here whose nightmare isn't over. Gas and Food are still a major issue. The majority of the area is still without power.

Oh, and for those that don't think a Cat 2 is very unimpressive - this storm flooded Chicago, put power out in Cincinatti, caused Hurricane Strength Gusts in Lexington Kentucky, and did millions in damage to New York State on the way out of town. That was after we took the full power and toned his ass down a little for the rest of the country.

08 September 2008

An old friend from Otherland wrote me this weekend with a gentle reminder - It's been almost a full year since you've posted. Why don't you drop a post and let everyone know you are still breathing, or something, you utter dork! So, as you can tell, I'm still breathing. A lot has happened in a year, and yet a lot remains the same. From the lack of posts, you can sort of tell that the Beast has been in hiding almost full time for a long, long, time. Nor have I self destructed. Sorry to blow the betting pot on that one, folks. Closest to a year without going over? Someone tell me who won - I want my percentage. I earned it. So I'll try to get back to this. No promises. Life is too stinkin' busy right now for promises. But sometimes, as another friend wrote me this weekend - you have to stop and smell the roses, if only to push back the date of the impending heart attack.

17 September 2007

How on Earth did we ever reach this point in life? People deserve better than me, and I need something else in my life. I'm incredibly empty right now. DIAL TONE. DISCONNECT.

There was a life somewhere back there, that I somehow missed the turn for. I look back along the road and I can't figure out where I missed the fork and ended up here. DIAL TONE. DISCONNECT.

I was almost happy once. And then out of the blue, for whatever reason, things changed. I missed the shortcut to the relatively happy door, and ended up outside in the cold, looking in, wondering where I'd wandered off of the path. DIAL TONE. DISCONNECT.

"Whatever you do, don't let them get this letter when they come. Make sure it gets mailed before they find it." The desert, the dust, the heat. Silver flashing, pain slamming deep into my arm, then numb. Looking down, tendons open to the dry night air. Moving. Terminaor flash back. Fuck this. Find a towel. Driving through the desert, blood loss taking its toll, the car sliding sideways, almost rolling. DIAL TONE. DISCONNECT.

Faced death. Been there, done that. Father died a week after moving to Houston. Middle of Lowes. Phone call. Shock hitting. sitting down in the middle of the aisle. No tears. Nothing. Just a picture of my dad, unable to get one more breath. Falling over. The doorbell ringing. Too Late, Too late. He was fucking dying awhile someone came to visit him, only he didn't answer the door. He couldn't, because he was dying. My mom wasnt' there. My Mom and first son enroute to Houston from Albuquerque. They were on the way to see me when he died, alone. I gave the eulogy. No Tears. He fucking died. What is left to say? Is there anything I can say to bring him back? No - just to ease the pain of these simpering idiots that put in an appearance at the funeral. DIAL TONE. DISCONNECT.

In one two minute explosion of emotion, I finally loosed the grief in a storm of agony, six months after he died. That was it. Nothing else. One little explosion of anguish, and then silence. Nothing to say. DIAL TONE,. DISCONNECT.

I hate where I am, who I am, my life. And no one is close enough to me to even begin throwing a lifeline, much less saving me. I built the fucking walls too high, too deep, too strong. I did that after someone got in. Got in and never appreciated what she'd accomplished. Burned me. Left me for dead. So I rebuilt the walls. No one gets in now. NO ONE. But then, there's no one strong enough to find the door to get in and save me. So it goes. It's what I do. Survive. No happiness, no love, just alive. Life support. Not brain dead, emotionally dead. No one left to break down the walls and free me. No one left even to show mercy and pull the fucking plug. This is me. Its what I am.

14 September 2007

I'm rapidly approaching that time of year. On the good side - its Renaissance. My eight weekends to escape from the doldrums of my every day life. On the bad side - October. Anniversary of my death in the desert. The one that should have been. I'm totally without connection to any of my friends here in Otherland. This summer has been oh so busy, and bizarre, that I have basically lost touch with anyone who meant anything to me in this Fantasy other place here online. As for IRL - no friends there to lose. LOL. Try that little dichotomy on for size. I know there's a few readers still checking in. Most of those from the Barmaid Blog - for some odd reason, as she's grown more popular, and updated her links, she's never dropped me, and to this day I still get a lot of new traffic from there. Go figure. Mebbe she's just one of the loyal ones. Of course, she's 3/4 of a country away. heh heh.

Yeah, yeah. Just another could have been a nice time blown by Michael's mouth. No issue there. It will never happen any other way.

So here's to you all, and here's to hoping your October turns out better than mine - just another anniversary of a failed suicide attempt in the dark of night in the middle of the desert.

27 August 2007

This post made One Year on August 15th, and I was so damn busy that I missed the fireworks. I'm still busy, so as my anniversary gift to my readers, I'd like to repost one of my most open, honest, and dark posts. The story of the night I died. Or should have. You'll want to keep the children away from this one.......

The Straw That Broke the Camel's Back

This particular entry is dark and somewhat – well – you might want to skip this one if you’re squeamish or have a weak stomach.

This time of year is Fantastic, Busy, Packed, Happy, Sad, Haunted, Threatening, and Hopeful, all rolled into one for me. Work always gets busy at this time of year. Construction projects start about now so they can place the concrete in bad weather but won’t have the risk of so much bad weather when they get to the finishes inside the buildings. Playtime gets really busy this time of year, too. For the next 7 weekends (and this past weekend) the Texas Renaissance Faire runs, and that means I get to dress up every weekend, exit my normal life entirely, and become a simple Renaissance Shopkeeper at one of the largest fairs in the United States. So basically, I am working seven days a week for eight weeks straight without a day off. Add four total hours of travel time to and from the fair, and my life gets pretty packed in short order. When I’m not doing that, it’s football season. Those are things that I look forward to in life. Simple things, actually. I’m pretty much easy to please.

Cut to the Month of October, 1985. Sophomore in College. Honors Student that basically tested out of my entire Freshmen Year before I ever sat foot on a college campus. Fall of 1985 – The stress of classes that I truly wasn’t ready for, and skipping classes, and problems with women still handcuffing me emotionally, and I was starting a increasingly steep and uncontrollable slide straight to hell. Do not pass go, do not collect $200.00. Toss some drugs in the mix in October.

Watch from above, like an eagle, as I pop two percodan to prep for the pain. Watch me lean toward my roommate, hand him an envelope, and tell him to make sure that they don’t get that later. Look down in judgment as I climb into my car, drive 10 miles into the eerily moonlit desert. Watch me get out, sit down on the edge of the dirt road. Wait, don’t go yet. Watch the moonlight highlight the razor as I pull it out.

No, don’t go yet. Don’t miss the tip of the razor blade entering the top of the wrist. This is better than Halloween. More Gory than Freddie and his glove. Look close as I rip that razor back towards my elbow. Oh no, no weak ass carving a notch across the top of the wrist here. Fuck no! Watch as the skin tension in the forearm suddenly yanks the open edges of my forearm skin back all the way to the bone on either side. Watch me as I look down in shock, and beginning panic, as I move my hand, and like the old Terminator movies, I see every ligament, tendon, and remaining muscle in my arm sliding back and forth.

I was lucky that night. Had my arm simply bled out, with little pain, I would have been dead that fateful evening. But when I looked down and saw crap moving in my wrist, I totally freaked out. I headed for the hospital, already disoriented from blood loss. October was never a good month for me for a long, long time after that.

It’s a threatening time because Christmas is on us, and you’re already worried about enough money for the kids present, and the Sigo’s. It’s hopeful, because the New Year is coming, and no matter how jaded, cynical, and sarcastic I may become in life, the New Year will always symbolize at least a hope for a better beginning, for a step up the food chain, for something really fantastic to come along to make up for your suffering.

17 August 2007

Phrase of the Day – If you can’t do it right the first time, don’t take up Skydiving.

So here’s the weather update – Current Computer Modeling has Houston taking a direct hit on 1 of the five models, and on the “Wet Side” on another one of the models. SWEET!

As an aside, Tropical Storm Erin made landfall and headed straight over San Antonio on her way to parts West.Unfortunately, she was training in moisture from the gulf (you’ll see it as a band of clouds, water vapor, and rain looping into the center of a storm, if you look at a satellite photo).So it was Thunder and Rain Alley all day long yesterday here in Big H. Flooding and highway shutdowns.Its good in a minor way, because after the rain stopped two weeks ago, the heat index has been between 100 and 110 degrees that whole time.So we’re at a balmy 84 for a high.It’s really bad, though, because we expect to get rain through Monday from the remnants of Erin, meaning the ground will be close to saturation in terms of soaking up water just in time for Dean, if he decides to make landfall anywhere near here.Dean also means evacuation, if he heads this way.I spent 29 hours on the road evacuating for Rita (which made a last minute turn and missed our dinner date), and during that 29 hours, I only made it from South Houston to 15 Miles north of Greater Houston – usually a 45 minute trip where I live.I don’t want to wish it on anyone else, but I have to tell you that I don’t want to see it going through here, either.Greater Houston Metroplex is the 4th largest city in the US – and would be a nightmare to evacuate.

But we have about a week.If it does hit here next week, you’ll be hearing it on the evening news.God knows if it does, there’ll be no innernets, as the ‘chick would say, for no telling how long. Until then,