VANCOUVER – Gang violence in the coastal city of Vancouver has risen sharply in recent weeks due to a turf war between two rival miniature ferry companies: False Creek Ferries and Aquabus. So far there have been 13 shootings, 26 stabbings, and what can only be described as an unseemly incident with a porpoise.

The disputed territory has to do with the Granville Island Market and access to the lucrative kale trade. As False Creek Ferry employee Aman Chowdry explained, “the importation of Kale is when things started to get crazy. When it was about plums and nectarines people behaved like human beings. But Kale, Kale turns men into animals.”

Despite the brutal violence that has taken hold of the industry, the miniature ferry companies have been reluctant to shake their folksy personas. Committed to a jolly and nostalgic aesthetic, Aquabus owner Marcel Stevens has armed his employees with rainbow colored muskets.

Although several drive-by boatings have impacted the miniature ferry business, local stalwarts have refused to let the violence interfere with their daily lives.

“Sure, riding a bike over the Granville Street Bridge takes about the same amount of time. And yes, that option is free” longtime fan of the Aquabus Norman Wasyluk explained. “But I refuse to give up my constitutional right to feel like a candyland pirate merely because there is danger brewing on the high seas.”

Despite reports that tensions are beginning to cool, experts warn that the turf war is far from over and about to reach unprecedented heights.

As gang expert Professor Mark Travis summarized, “When Spot Prawns hit the Granville Island Market this May, the world as we know it will be over.”