Uhhh okay this is probably going to be long. And sad, I guess. I took a photo because I’m on mobile and I can’t hashtag it if I replied on mobile.

Anyway, the only thing I can remember that truly traumatized me the worst (especially for me to remember it even now) I think it was about six or seven years ago. I was a second year in college and was taking an old school photography class. I’m talking about old cameras, none of that digital stuff. We’d have to develop our own photos in the darkroom.

There was this room where no light is allowed in at all and you literally cannot even see your own hands, because it’s that dark. You’d have to be able to rely on your sense of touch.

Anyway, being HOH, I am.. Terrified of the dark. Terrified. It may seem childish or stupid because “there’s nothing to be afraid of, it’s just darkness.” I’m terrified due to the fact I have no sense of direction when it comes to sound. I’ll hear things but where is it coming from? Am I walking towards it or away from it? Then I tend to scare myself even worse because of that.

We had weekly projects and one time we had this one project where we had to talk about our fears and put it in a photo. I did that. I got a great grade, from what I remember. About a week later, I had to stay after class with a couple other students to finish another project. The instructor told us she had to leave due to personal reasons and I didn’t know that. I think she forgot I was there because she said it out loud apparently when my back was turned. We’re allowed to use the darkroom even if you don’t have class atm as long as you clean up and lock up.

Okay well, I was developing my photos, I had one last photo to develop so I had to go into the dark room. I’m already scared enough, and to make things worse, as I opened the door, I was shoved inside, and the door slammed behind me. Someone or maybe a group of people was banging on the walls and I was banging back, trying to open the door. I remember screaming my ass off to open the door.

I should probably state that cellphones are not allowed in dark rooms. They mess up the developing process. So my phone was in my backpack in the classroom.

I remember crying too. When the banging stopped, I thought they gave up. So I found my way to the door, only to find myself locked in. I started banging even harder, hoping for someone to open the fucking door and let me the fuck out but nobody ever did. I stopped banging and screaming after a while I don’t know if it was minutes or an hour. I have no idea. I ended up curling into a ball weeping. I was stuck.

Then suddenly, the door opened. It was another instructor who was about to start her class, she heard me crying and asked me what happened, why was the door barricaded. They locked me in with a lot of stuff so I couldn’t get out. I didn’t say anything. I just ran out crying and grabbed my shit and went home. Later, I found a note in my backpack that said, “Stay in Special Ed, dumbass.”

I skipped the next few classes after that. My instructor was worried, she sent me an email and told me the other instructor that let me out, told her what happened. I went back to class, and it was like nothing ever happened. No one made eye contact with me, just like normal. Everyone keeps to themselves in that class. None of us talk to each other. At least, I’ve never seen anyone talk to each other. But it was awkward for me. I ended up running out after thirty minutes. I emailed my instructor and told her I wanted to drop the class. She begged me not to, and instead, arranged for me to have private lessons with her and develop my photos with just her and nobody else.

I never told anybody about it.

I still don’t know who did it, but it still scares the hell out of me knowing there are people like that.

I’m still terrified of the dark, if not more since.

But I think that’s that moment that changed me the most. I know not everyone is an ableist but I’ll probably always have my guard up around hearing people because of that. It fucked me up for a really long time. I don’t hate hearing people, just the assholes.

I think this is why whenever I see someone wearing HAs or CIs or even BAHA, I go up and introduce myself just so they know they’re not alone. But I’m not as nice as I used to be towards people.