Sunday, December 26, 2010

This has been an interesting year. Lots of ups and downs along the way. I have much to be thankful for even with the bad. With the new year, quickly approaching, I've been reflecting on all that my family and myself have dealt with this year, and all the great strides in the right direction for myself. Below is a recap.

My mother's breast cancer, mastectomy and recovery.

My father's tumors in his lungs and his treatment.

My father's slow decline in health and stamina from emphysema.

Finishing up projects at the old place to get it on the market.

Completing my Web Design Certificate.

Becoming employed after nearly two years.

Being invited to many events and parties.

Making new friends and reconnecting with old ones.

Standing at a total lose of 80 pounds. Down from 270 to 190.

Having my goal weight of 175 pounds within reach.

Finally having money once again.

And the biggest, best thing is all my blogger buddies who encouraged me, and witnessed the progression from down trodden misfit to employed social butterfly. I would not have believed so much was possible to pack into a year. Next year will find it hard to top all of this. I look forward the New Year with much optimism and careful planning as I can muster. I'm anxious to see what it hold in store.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Sunday, December 12, 2010

I had a great time with new and old friends at the Christmas party last night. The house is outstanding and decorated to the hilt for the holidays. The food was yummy. But the people, oh the people, were fabulous! This little group has quickly accepted me as their own this year. They have got to be some of the kindest, sweetest people in these parts. I met all of them for the first time at the toga party this summer, except Bart, whom I've known for 20 years and reconnected with through Facebook. (Pictured with me above)

These events make me both happy and sad. Happy because they are so many wonderful people still around and new ones to meet. Sad, for all the ones I've lost over the years, with only memories and no photos to recall the good old days. Mixed blessings and such, I'm still fortunate, regardless of what circumstance I find myself in. It does get better.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

My great aunt has fractured her hip in a fall this morning. My cousin (her son) will undoubtedly have to make a decision as to place her in facility when she is released. Quite honestly, he has been a horrible son. He rarely does anything for her. Has access to her bank accounts, which he promptly uses for his own purposes, leaving her near broke. My mother, bless her heart, takes her to all the doctors appointments, to the meeting with social services for her VA benefits and social security dealings. Not him. She even does her laundry and makes sure she gets to church on Sundays and other church functions. Not him, though he attends the same church service and passes her house to get there. He even drives her car, while she maintains it. It is really quite sad and infuriating. I'm afraid this may end the same as my grandfather. She is not as resilient as he was. I hope he can live with himself.

In other sad news today, my uncle, my father's youngest brother was rushed to the hospital last night, unable to breathe. He has the same problem my father does. He is currently using a breathing tube. My father has felt too bad to even visit yet. One of my aunts stayed with him last night till 2am. Where his daughter, son in law or grandchildren are at is beyond me. He had part of his jaw removed years ago because of cancer and has used a feeding tube since. He is in bad shape, even before this happened. My father fears the worse. This will be the beginning of the end for him.

It is deeply disturbing when these things happen to family members. More disturbing to see how their immediate family members respond (or not). My parents have helped both of these relatives immensely over the years when needed. It makes me angry. As long as there is a breath left in me, it will never happen to my parents, sister or her family. That I can swear to.

Dan and Willie (from the Holiday of Giving party) called to invite me out for drinks as they were in town for dinner with Willie's mom on Saturday night. I almost declined since I had been at work and was wore out. I decided to go since I doubted I would see them before Christmas. I'm glad I did! It was great seeing them. It was fabulous to run into an old friend I haven't seen in about 20 years! That is Scott and I in the pic above. I asked a friend to use his camera phone and email it to me. I worked with him at the first job I had in high school. Our paths crossed for several years afterward, till he moved to Florida. It was so great to see him. I was gobsmacked. We chatted and got caught up on lots of goings on. I even called my crush who was a mutual friend and coworker from back in the day. (Atlas, he wasn't able to join us on such short notice, so late at night, but he seemed ok with me calling him.) Scott told me that he appreciated the little comments, chats and pokes on Facebook. It helped him overcome the loneliness he was feeling after being diagnosed with HIV. (Number 8 of my friends.) He is doing well and just about to finish up his PHD in Criminology. I'm proud of him. I wish he were closer.

Friday, December 3, 2010

We have a new department manager. She seems to be pissing off everyone in the department, except for me so far. She has managed to rub several people the wrong way with her lack of social skills and tact. From what I understand, more than one employee has complained to the store manager about her already and she just started Monday! I'm surprised that some of the ones complaining are the ones that can get along with anybody and never says an unkind word. I only talked with her briefly for the first time yesterday. She seems to know jewelry very well and said nothing remotely rude like I've been hearing from others. I actually called in sick today with an upset stomach, and she was very pleasant and understanding, wished me well, etc. It seems as though the ones she is having issues with are the women thus far. Of course there are only a couple of guys in her area, the rest are women. Who knows what is going on. I'll worry about it when it directly affects me or I'm present for an episode.

I had decided against pursuing the position at this time. My mother told me that my father has stage 4 emphysema so I'm hesitate to take on more responsibility given the uncertainty with his health. He is now on oxygen all most all of the time he is at home and uses his inhaler often. It won't get any better sadly. My mother expressed her concern that he may not be here for next Christmas. That worries me too. Despite the fact that I know my parents will not live forever, it still feels like a punch in the gut to hear it spoken aloud. I guess I can only be there anyway I can for them and do what I can. I can't worry about the future or things I can't change. I can only deal with the here and now. That is more than enough.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

It was exhausting yesterday at work. I arrived at 2:52am and left shortly after one. Had my "lunch" hour at 8:30am and never had the time to take a break. I was swamped by 6:30 am. Luckily, the 8 o'clock worker arrived at 7am to do some shopping and was allowed to clock in early to help out. I already had 1 manager and 2 other approved persons helping me out. At times, there wasn't enough keys to go around to open the cases to show merchandise. We ran out of a lot of morning specials before 7:30am. They were suppose to last till 1pm! It was hectic to say the least. I was feeling it by 11 o'clock when another person was scheduled. When I left for the day, the department, all 800 sq feet of it, had already done over $13,500! The sales plan for Friday and Saturday was $14,000. I had a plan of $2000 and sold over $6000 by myself. There were a couple of unhappy people that missed out on the bargains they had came for. Of course, they were the ones that showed up at mid morning expecting us to have 20 pieces in backstock. Newsflash: It's fine jewelry, ranging from a few hundred dollars to a few thousand, we can't stock dozens of them in stores! If you want it bad enough to pitch a hissy fit, then get your ass out of bed and get there early. Most people were very patient and very understanding. Most were a lot of fun to service. However, when it was time for me to leave, I said goodbye, smiled and waved as I walked out the door.

It was a wonderful party to raise money and gifts, for The Children's Home Of Winston Salem. There was a huge turn out. I meet some of my dear friends that live out of town and made some new ones. Had great conversations withgood food, good drinks and fabulously generous people.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Nothing really changes much around here. My mother had a cataract removed last week. I took her to the doctor Wednesday. Everything is going fine. She should be able to drive on Sunday for church. My father still has his good days and his bad days. Tuesday he went to the old place to get something out of the basement and had to wait a while to catch his breath before going back up the stairs. My cousin's second oldest son has been helping them out around there. Thank goodness. He's a nice fella, only 18, and hasn't really done any of what they need done before. But he is learning some useful skills and picking up on it quickly. It helps me out because I don't have to try to do it all by myself on my days off. I asked my parents could I trade my sister for him, so I could have a younger brother.Work is going great. I applied online for the manager's position. I got nice form email stating I wasn't a good match for the position. Not sure how they arrived at the decision, but whatever. I can only assume they want younger people who are willing to work more hours, with more responsiblity for less money. So I say let them find them and train them this close to Christmas. After the first of the year, I'm gonna start looking for a better paying job elsewhere in the mall. I'll take the same pay if the store hours aren't so screwed up.I'm trying to finish up my Christmas shopping. Just a few more gifts left. I've lost another 5 pounds and so far have kept it off for a while. I still need to lose 15 more pounds and I'll be down to my old weight. I can also get into so more of my old clothes. Woohoo!I have a fund raiser in Winston Salem coming up on Nov. 20th for The Children's Home. Being fortunate enough to have been adopted by such great, loving parents makes me feel for those who haven't found a forever home yet. It will also be a chance to see friends on that side of the state I rarely get to see.

Monday, November 1, 2010

An interesting situation has presented itself at work. One I'm not sure I'm ready for but certainly interested in from a monetary standpoint. One that I have most of the qualifications for as well. Our new manager has left the company, amid rumors of being let go for drinking on the job, for a second time. His area of responsibility is now open. It includes fragrances, cosmetics, juniors, woman's accessories, fashion and fine jewelry. It' a huge area, with more people to supervise than I have before and I'm not all that familiar with juniors or handbags. However, neither was he. He came from managing grocery stores. I have 22 years of retail selling experience. Ten years of jewelry store management and I have sold fragrances, ladies accessories, clothing and shoes and both fine and costume jewelry before. Also as a bonus, I'm already employed and have more training than he did when he started. The most people I've ever managed was about 20. These departments probably have around 30 including part timers and on call staff. (Which rarely seem to be scheduled enough to cover the areas). The cosmetic areas each have counter managers that handle most of the day to day stuff. Fragrance is pretty much self serve as they are no locked cases for any of it. I think my biggest challenge would be learning the department merchandise and all the back end stuff that managers are suppose to do. My concern is twofold: can I return to jewelry sales, either full time or part time if it doesn't work out? and the amount of hours in a day I may be required to work. I can't work a 12 hour day, only because of the 14 hours that would include the travel time, I would be away from my dog and my parents. I have no problem with working long stretches between days off. I'm currently on an 8 day stretch after finishing an 11 day stretch about 10 day ago. I just can't do long hours within a single day with no one to check on the dog or my parents with their health issues. I really do miss management and having a steady salary to count on. So dear readers, should I even bother to mention it to the store manager that I'm interested in the position or realize that my daily hour constraint would leave me out of the running anyway? Once again, your opinion would be appreciated.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Growing up, I always knew I was gay. I never questioned it. Never wanted to be otherwise. Never had a problem accepting that fact about myself. I knew I was different. I knew that there were others like myself somewhere in the world. I also knew it wouldn't be easy. The world didn't understand me, my difference, my uniqueness, my gift. I knew. Most everyone else did too.When I came out to my parents in 9th grade. They didn't believe it. They thought I would out grow it. Some odd phase I was going through. Of course it didn't go away. Neither did I. I learned to gauge who could accept it, who was like me, and how to cope with the perceptions. I've never been a conformer, but by being true to myself, I earned respect. I never cowered or back down. I never ran away. I was resilient, just as all are capable of being. It's the adversity that gives us strength. Empowers us. If I wasn't like everyone else, then I was gonna strive to be better.I was involved. I let people see me for everything I was, not just for my sexual attraction. I could play sports, and weight train. I could be on committees and in clubs. I could attend events and win awards and recognition. All by being the best I could be.

I can remember a few taunts in high school. I ignored them. Why should it bother me if I was gay or a cocksucker? I never gave the power to hurt me to any other. I was better than that. The one time a fella turned around in class while the teacher was out, and struck square in the chest for no reason, I looked him in the eye and said "Your ass is mine after class." I didn't raise my voice, whimper or cower. When was class was over, he couldn't be found. I never had another incident from anyone.I was lucky. I never allowed pressure to get to me. I dated a couple of girls. Hung out with girls. When I met a guy and we became close, I stopped dating girls altogether. There was no need. I was going to be myself. Who God had wanted me to be. And I have never looked back or questioned. Each passing year, it all gets better. Hang in there. Find people who appreciate you for your uniqueness. And screw the rest.

Friday, October 15, 2010

I got the full time position! I hope I would. Kinda thought I would. And did! Woohoo! I still will be making less than I'm use to making, but by getting more hours per week, it will feel like a bit of a raise. The benefits were the main objective. I'm not getting any younger and insurance and 401(k) may actually come in handy at some point. I'm hoping after the first of the year to renew my job search for something better paying and in the field of web design. I wouldn't be too disappointed if I stayed in my current field if the pay was higher. At this point though, it does feel good to get a paycheck every week after being without one for so long. It is nice not to rely on my parents for every little thing I need and there is a small amount left over occassionally to do something fun. I do miss not being able to save more money. I use to save 10 to 15 percent from my paychecks. Guess it will take a while to get back to that level of income in this economy. I'm just glad to have a full time job before the holidays. And I've already started my Christmas shopping. Two gifts down and a few more to go! Woohoo!

Friday, October 8, 2010

It has been busy and tiresome, but fun around here lately. I just finished up an 11 day stretch of working, which was exhausting. I filled out the paperwork for the full time position at work and have my fingers crossed about that. I'm already put in more hours than the full timer at work so hopefully that will count for something. I went to a fundraiser for The Mint Museum last week. Saw lots of people I knew and had a blast. I even ran into Tommy, the cute, tall coworker of mine and my old crush Jeff. The view from the 5th floor terrace looking out over downtown Charlotte at night was spectacular! Wish I had taken my camera. My mother's surgery and recovery has been great and speedy as well. It has been good lately.

The only downside has been with my father. The results of his scan showed one tumor responded to the treatment, the other did not. That seems to be certain, though I thought there was only one and the other was a misreading. Regardless, in another month he will go for a follow up to see if it has changed by then. I'm not sure what can be done if it hasn't. He can't take chemo and they can't do surgery, so the only option, if available is another round of radiation treatment if he can stand it. The first treatments left him fatigued but otherwise ok. We'll just have to see where it stands a month from now.

Some other good news, though we aren't exactly sure how and if it will pan out, is the town sent a letter of interest to my parents about their old place. Seems they may consider it for a town park. If they are willing to pay at least tax value, I know my parents will sell. That means I can get to building my house sooner rather than later. Of course, it's just a latter of interest. No offers have been made or terms discussed, but it's a nice little surprise in the midst of all the chaos.

As a side note, I have two dear friends that are dealing with health issues of their own. One had neck surgery again to repair the stuff done the first time. He literally has some screws loose (which I always suspected). The doctors removed part of his hip bone to make the repair this time. (Guess he will have his ass on his shoulders for sure now) He is back home recovering and has some pain meds to make him more pleasant. I wish him well. He's too cute and too fun to be laid up for long.

Another friend has stage 2 squamous cell circoma (His spelling, which I think is wrong). He had a bump removed on his head and that was what the biopsy revealed. He goes next week to make sure they got it all. I'm not sure exactly how serious it is, but any cancer sucks in my book. I wish him and his partner well. I wish I were closer to look in on him.

That wraps up my news. Hope all is well with my dear readers. I appreciate y'all sticking with my little blog through these changes. And all the nice comments and emails are comforting. I'd loved to hang out with any of you any day! Just as soon as I win the lottery.......

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Last night I received a call from the manager at work asking could I come in. Seems there was a "situation" and the one that was suppose to close after I left wasn't there to do it. I told him I would but it would take about 45 minutes to get there and he said to just tell him what to do to close the department. I explained it to him. He called later with questions. I called back to check about 10pm. I asked would she be there in the morning to open with me, he said he wasn't sure. I went early just in case and I knew there would be a mess to straighten out as well as a trunk show to get ready for on top of a big diamond sale that had started. I was right! What a mess they made putting up merchandise! I saw the her briefly in the morning. She went to tend to something and never came back. The store manager stopped by while I was setting up the cases and so did lost prevention, asking that I confirm the counts and let them know what it was when finished. I took care of all this and customers alone in the department till 2pm. It appears we are short a pair of diamond earrings worth $2,500.00. No manager would tell me exactly what was going on or what transpired last night that prompted the call to me. Today before I left, the manager asked if I could open tomorrow. The other woman was suppose to. I guess we may be short a full time person now. Hummmm.......

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Yeah, things are going well over all, but they could still be better. The thing I'm disappointed with the most is my lack of further progress with my weight loss efforts. I've been stuck at 195 for months. I understand the reasons and don't beat myself up over them. It doesn't make it any better though. Stress, change in meal times with the new job, not always being able to eat right has me in a holding pattern I don't like. I was making such great progress, not any more. So starting Monday, I'm beginning my exercises in earnest. I have a home gym, why not use it instead of dust it? It will take a while to get into a pattern of use and a routine I like that fits with my erratic schedule. But I will be damned if I'm still gonna carry this few extra pounds into next summer.

I'm also a little disappointed on the friend/boyfriend/buddy front as well. While I have been more social as of late and really enjoyed myself, I have yet to form any truly deep friendships. They all seem so superficial. I try to be nice, show interest, etc. , but the response only seems like a courtesy. Like they are just being nice. None as I recall ask probing questions about me, while I try to learn about them. Small talk seems to always revolve around them and their drama. If I mention anything about my life, circumstance, etc., it seems to go unnoticed or quickly dismissed. I'm still trying to meet people. I haven't given up, nor will I. I would like to truly connect with a few guys, and have it be reciprocal and meaningful.

Another disappointment is the house. I'm so ready to start construction. I also know the other place hasn't sold, much less on the market yet. I know this year has been horrible as far as parental health, job searches, and multiple projects to get everything settled. I'm just sick of this damn trailer park. Sick of this trailer. Sick of being too embarrassed to invite people here. Sick of no space to put everything away and have a nice, clean, clutter free space in which to relax. It will happen. I've been told over and over, come hell or high water, I will have a house. I guess, as always the case with me, I want less talk and more action. Then I may could get excited. As a side note, with my father's current health state, it doesn't appear we will be doing any of the work on it. He just isn't able and ,well, now that I'm employed, so when ?I realize these are trivial disappointments. I and my family have experienced much worse over the last couple of years. But it's on my mind. It annoys and troubles me. Sometimes it just feels good to bitch.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

My mother had her reconstruction surgery at 730 am ths morning. All went well. She is now home and resting. She will need to recover next week till see has her follow up with the surgeon. We are all glad that is over with.

Monday, September 20, 2010

It has been eventful this week. Lots of fun and a little heartache thrown in to the mix to keep the balance. Work is great. My parents are good, though the scan hasn't been scheduled yet for my father. My mother's out patient surgery is set for this Thursday and should go well. She should even be home by lunch time. Th sad news is Richard, my man interest at work moved back to Delaware over the weekend. A lost opportunity that sadden me. No more flirting at work or stolen conversations. No lunches or dates of any sort. He did what he thought would make him happy and I hope it works out for him. I was completely taken by surprise when he told me. But being the thoughtful sort, he did flash his furry belly at me in consolation. That made me chuckle and smile for a while. I am gonna miss him. Friday I helped my father or more accurately, he watched while I did the majority of the work. We are framing up a building for my mother's stuff in their yard. Hopefully, this project will be finished up soon. They had the old place painted professionally, so that saved a lot of time. They also had the terrace torn out and replaced as well. That thrilled me to no end. I was dreading the thought of even messing with it. They also had new gutters installed. Seems the only big project left on the list is constructing a building for daddy's stuff. Hopefully the old place will be on the market before Christmas. I also have started my Christmas shopping, just in case something happens before then. Saturday, I went to a naked pool gathering again. Loved it as always. And Saturday night, I went to the White Party, a huge fundraiser in Charlotte. The gay social event of the year. I haven't been to one in maybe 20 years. It's was FABULOUS! I an absolute blast. I got to see so many friends in one place. I was in heaven! I was also invited to the after party where the fun continued. I finally dragged myself home by 3am and got in the bed at 4am. I got up at 8am to go to work and even had a fabulous day there! It has been a great week. Everything just fell into place. It was truly serendipitous.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

I finally finished my 39 hour week last night! I'm worn out from all the standing. Overall, it was a good week all around. My father finished his last radiation treatment. They will be doing a scan soon it see it the tumor has changed. I have my fingers crossed that it worked and all of that is behind him now. Hurricane Earl didn't even bring rain to my area, which we could have really used. There was very little damage a long the coast as well. A friend and I went last Sunday to a naked pool party. I didn't get sunburned this time. I had a great time. I hope to squeeze in a couple more times before the weather turns cool. Richard returns from Delaware Monday! I'm looking forward to seeing him at work again and maybe having lunch again soon. I helped my mother with a yard sell Saturday morning. It was great to finally see some of that stuff go! I was tired of moving it around after 2 years. She wants to have one more, then whatever is left after this one, will be donated to Habitat for Humanity. I had a virus on my laptop, so it was out of commission last week. I got it back Saturday morning between the yard sale and work. It's been eventful but not traumatic.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Richard, the fella that works in the fur department across from me, mentioned doing lunch together last week. We tried for Tuesday, but couldn't get our schedules to mesh. So yesterday our schedules jived and we partook. He really is an interesting fellow. Cute too! He has flirted with me since I started there. I love the attention. He gets in trouble from coming over to talk with me so much, so now he has learned to use the phone and practice some restraint. I though he was in his late 30's. Turns out he is 52! Not a wrinkle in sight, just some grey hair in his thick head of hair. I was shocked. There is certainly an undeniable attraction on both our parts. Lunch was very pleasant. Our conversation was free flowing and informative and entertaining. Even the moments of silence weren't awkward. It was like long lost friends getting caught up on each other's life. He has a great sense of humor, can carry on an intelligent conversation and comes across as very grounded and genuine. And he is a dog lover too! He has actually become one of the highlights of my days at work. He will be on vacation next week. I think I may actually miss him while he is gone.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Work is going well. My hours have certainly increased. I went from 18 hours last week, to 33 hours this week and scheduled for 39 hours next week! This is what they refer to as part time? I don't mind the hours. I like the money. My concern is unless my status is changed in their system, none if it will count toward full time benefits. So far I haven't mentioned it. If it continues for another couple of weeks, I will ask them to clarify this for me. It's hard to get answers to questions since we still don't have manager yet. I ask the others I see about different things in the department. They seem rather clueless. I guess they got stuck trying to figure it out along with their own departments when ours left.I'm really excited about the job though, aside from that quandary. I like selling jewelry. It sparkles. I like the people I work with. I like the company. And I really love the paychecks! It feels good after so long without one. I could see myself staying there for a long time if they get the scheduling down pat. I'm not sure if there is an opportunity to advance in this department. And I'm not sure I would want to go to another one. Hopefully raises will be forth coming later down the road. Department stores are notorious for not keeping up in salaries. Guess I'll just have to wait and see how it goes. But so far, so good!My father had his second radiation treatment yesterday and is doing well. I'm glad for that. Only 3 more to go to see if it works. I'm hoping it does so all this can be behind the family soon. My mother has her out patient surgery next month. Hopefully everything will work out for the best for both of them and we can get back to normal before Christmas.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Tomorrow my father goes for his first radiation treatment. The doctor said it shouldn't make him sick, but he will feel a little tired afterward. I hope it goes that well. Next week he will have two or three more, followed by one the week after. Then they will do another CT scan to see if it has helped. I'm hoping it all goes well.

He fell last week at church somehow. He hit his head on the asphalt in the parking lot, scrapped up his elbows pretty bad and did some serious bruising to his foot and ankle. He's been limping around a bit. As bad as his foot looks with the bruises and swelling, it wouldn't surprise me if it wasn't fractured or broken. So far he hasn't had the doctor check it out. I told him to mention it tomorrow if it still looks and feels as bad as today. I'm sure he won't, but at least I tried.

Work is going very well. It has been exhausting after so much time off. I'm wiped out when I get home after a 9 hour day. I use to work 12 hour days no problem. Guess it will take some getting use too again. I had 18 hours my first week of training. I have 28 hours for this week and scheduled for 33 hours next week. I'm glad to see more hours. I was getting concerned that I may not get enough. Trying to get someone that knows what they are doing to train me properly is a challenge. Everyone in my department is relatively new. I'm picking up what I can from different folk as I work with them. It seems that most of them like to just stand around and talk. I find that aspect frustrating. I do my best to keep busy. It just makes time pass quicker. I do like the job though. It reminds me of the good ole days when I managed a jewelry store. Same concept, just a smaller scale and I'm not responsible for everything. I think it will be okay in the end. I do need to find out about insurance. No one has mentioned it to me yet, so guess I'll have to remember to ask about it.

Friday, August 20, 2010

I work tomorrow at 8am. I dread that. I worry I will over sleep and most likely won't sleep any, so tomorrow will be rough anyway you look at it. I've also don't feel well either which doesn't help. Yesterday, I had really bad pains in my abdomen. I thought it may be gas or even sever constipation, but it wasn't either one. It actually woke me up at 430am. The more the morning wore on the worse it hurt. It still does, just not as bad. There for a while I even considered going to urgent care. It hurt all the way through to my lower back. I still feel the pressure and discomfort from just below my sternum to my waist line. It's even worse standing or moving around much. It feels like something is in there that ought not be. I feel bloated and full though I haven't ate very much the last 2 days. I even dropped a couple of pounds. I have no idea what is going on with my body. I took a half of a percoset (sure that isn't spelled right) twice yesterday for relief. Today I haven't had to yet, but I've just laid around the house for the most part. I hope it isn't anything serious and it goes away. I don't want to screw up my new job with this problem. I helped my father move another building from the old place to the new place Tuesday. I even considered that maybe I pulled something in the process. It sounds reasonable, except I didn't strain to do anything or have any immediate pain, so I doubt that is it. Oh well, whatever. I'll deal with it. My parents are at the lake house this weekend. Daddy will start his radiation soon. Still waiting on the exact date from the doctor. Honestly, I've never seen anything so stretched out in my life. The little sticky dots they put on him last week to help with the procedure are starting to fall off. Just what in the hell are these doctors waiting on? Anyway, my mother's procedure is next month. It was postponed because the skin hasn't stretched enough for the implant, with the stuff going on with my father, that is probably best. I'm sure she will be glad to get that over with. She has waited a long time for the reconstruction. The more things change, the more they stay the same it seems. Today was my first payday in 2 years! Woohoo! A big $88 and some change. Still, it felt good. It's a start.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Not too bad. More training videos. More little test. It was easy but tedious. I actually got to spend a little time on the floor today. Got to see how the area was laid out. Where things are kept. And actually had a sale! It wasn't much, but it felt good after all this time to be productive in some way. Also met some of the people I will be working with. They seem like a nice bunch so far. And one of them is a very handsome tall fella! (I think his name is Tommy.) I felt my heart jump when I first saw him! I think he is gay as well. Guess I'll figure it out for certain as time goes on. They want me to work tomorrow as well. It will help me learn about the opening procedures and get more familiar with everything. I hope it goes well and quickly. It seems like every time I go, they want me to stay longer than I planned or was lead to believe. So far I've stayed to my plans. It isn't that I mind working, just don't spring it on me at the last minute. I have a dog to take into consideration, not to mention things with my parents. I've had to postpone or skip a couple of things I was gonna do for them already. I'm not gonna make it a habit. I'm sure once I get on a regular schedule it won't be like that. Right now, they are just squeezing me in so I can learn, train and provide coverage. Also the manager that hired me had her last day today. Kinda weird but whatever. I have no idea who to go to if there are questions or problems. I'm sure it will get sorted out soon enough.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Well, it wasn't too bad. Of course, all I did was sit at a computer and watch training stuff or fill out paperwork for about 6 hours. I don't think it will be a bad gig. The pay isn't too bad for a part time day job and there is a little bit of commission to help out. I can also pick up hours in other departments if need be, once I've got the hang of everything. I feel like I should be more excited about it than I am. I'm extremely grateful for having found any job after such a long time of unemployment. I guess I was hoping to find something with a higher salary, full time that wasn't retail again. Oh well, that may come later. This will help get me out of the house some and give me a little bit of cash in my pocket. Tomorrow I go back for some more training and a couple of hours on the sales floor to get familiar with the people and the department.

Unless something drastically changes with my father, my mother will undergo an out patient surgery for her breast reconstruction. She has done remarkably well during this bout with breast cancer. Much better than the first go round 15 years ago. This surgery is scheduled for the 15th of this month. I hope it goes as smoothly as the rest of this ordeal has for her.

Well, let's see if I have all the facts straight now. This has been so freakin' confusing and drawn out, I had to ask my parents to explain it all from the beginning and take notes.My father has had one spot on his lung for 8 years that has never changed nor had anything done to it or about it. Supposedly, it fine to leave it alone.A new spot was discovered a while back that had not been there before. This is the one the doctors are concerned with. Given it's small size and location, they could not do a needle biopsy. Given the condition of his lungs, they can not do a surgical biopsy either. They are left with either not treating it at all or giving him radiation treatment. They have opted for the latter given it's aggressive growth, even though it is no larger than a nickle at the moment but considering when it was first discovered it was a bit smaller than a pencil eraser several months ago. He will under go 3 to 5 treatments, every other day, and they will monitor him and the tumor. Tomorrow, he is to be fitted for a device to keep him immobile during the treatment and they will set the date for the first treatment as well that day. So there it is in a nutshell. We still do not know if it is cancerous or not, and there is no way to tell without further endangering his life or health. At least now, the wait is almost over.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Watching the days turn to nights.Another 24 hours has passed.Nothing has really changed,just more of the same.I long for a different routine.I crave the excitement of the new.Too much time has lapsed.So much worry.Too much boredom.Wound tight each day,searching the horizon for a change;in attitude,in livelihood,in anything.But more of the sameflood towards me,in torrents of despair,of hope,of everything but what I need.Stuck in a quagmire of circumstance.Waiting for rescue.Hoping this new daywill deliver what I seekbut can't articulate.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Well, my first interview with Macy's was rescheduled for Friday the 23rd. Of course they called to let me know as I was pulling into their parking lot! Not happy about that, but whatever. Friday's interview went very well. I interviewed with two people. The last one I'm certain wanted to hire me on the spot, but deferred to other people to make a decision at the first of the week. I will hear from them sometime this week one way or the other. I nailed the interview, that I'm sure of. I'd be more surprised at not getting it, then if I do. I seem to be exactly what they are looking for in that position. It is not my ideal, only part time day hours in the fine jewelry department. I'd prefer full time, but they will allow me to work in other departments as the need arises if I chose. Also with the parents health issues, part time may not be a bad idea for now.

My mother went for her follow up visit to make sure she is in good shape for her reconstruction surgery next month. She is thankfully. It now depends on what is going on with my father as to whether it will still be done on August 15th or not. Thankfully, it is an out patient procedure, so that will help some.

My father's diagnosis isn't quite as cheery. They are doing a stress test, which he will fail, to determine whether he can undergo surgery for the tumor in his lung. They have also scheduled a biopsy to determine if it is indeed cancer or not. Sounds familiar doesn't it? Why they couldn't have done all this crap to start with is beyond me. Anyway, a CT scan of his head and neck is to be done too. There is concern that this tumor may have spread to his brain. Just gets better doesn't it? So once again, the only thing we know for certain is he will definitely have radiation for the tumor, whether cancerous or not, and surgery is still up in the air at this point and there is no definitive time frame for this all the begin.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

This morning my mother went for a endoscopy exam. No problems with it thank goodness!

Tomorrow, my father goes to get the definitive diagnosis and treatment plan from the medical team. I'm so hoping it isn't cancer. All of us think it is though. Hopefully, we will be wrong.

Also, Wednesday, I have my interview at Macy's. I'm excited and nervous. I hope I get it. I don't care what the hours are, what position it is, or what the pay is. I just want a job!

The stress of the last couple of days has made me phyiscally ill. I woke up this morning with a headache and an upset stomach. I'm better now, just a little tired.

Yesterday, I worked in the bathroom at my parents old place. There was water damage that had to be repaired. I removed the toilet, took up the tile, and cut, chipped, and clawed away at the rotten subfloor. I finally got that replaced and filled. Now it is ready for the new tile whenever my parents arrange for that.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

As Wednesday draws closer, I have to say, the more my nerves are becoming frayed. I'm worried about what the doctors will say about what is going on with my father and all that will entail. I'm so nervous about my upcoming interview. I've tried to put it all out of my head, but it is still there simmering in the background. Too many what ifs and nothing solid to hold on to at this point.

I'm concerned that my father will have cancer. I'm concerned that whatever it turns out to be and whatever treatment they have to do will be his downfall. He's not in that great of health overall to begin with. It worries me that this may be the beginning of the end for him. Of course, I thought the same about my mother's breast cancer too and she has rebounded amazingly well. Her reconstructive surgery is scheduled for August 15th. I just hope that both my parents aren't in the hospital at the same time or undergoing some sort of treatment simultaneously. Not sure I can handle that, especially if I am fortunate enough to land the job with Macy's.

I can't believe how worried I am about interviewing for a sales job in a department store. My mother told me yesterday not to be too disappointed if I don't get it cause they may be 20 other people interviewing for the same position. She is correct on that part, but I would be disappointed. Devastated even. My first interview in 2 years, yep, it would be a sever blow to me. If they want experience I have it in spades, selling many different products over the years and retail management experience to boot. I'm making sure I look polished and sharp.

I have have got to get this job somehow. I can't handle this unemployment much longer without going insane. I applied for food stamps. A whooping $137 a month. Woohoo! Not really enough, but better than nothing I guess. Sadly it will only cover food only. Nothing like toothpaste, toilet paper, Windex, nothing you can't eat. And no alcohol or tobacco either. They really want unemployment to be as miserable as possible.

I really just need to win the lottery. It would help with a lot of this stress. It may not restore my parents health, but I wouldn't worry about being able to care for them. I could even hire someone to help me if need be. At some point, I just need to catch a break. Something needs to go in my favor.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I'm still chatting with the sweet fella, Scott. Alas, I don't see it going anywhere though. With his schedule and low sex drive, it appears we will most likely remain in the friend category. We both like each other. Both turn the other on. Both really enjoyed our romp. But. There is always a but. He just really doesn't need sex or intimacy as often as I do. So sad, cause he is really good at it! Oh well, maybe one day, we may hook up again, though I'm not holding my breath nor waiting around, pining away for him. Maybe I will meet someone that is just as good at it, that is more into it and more willing to commit to at least a date occasionally.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

I want to apologize to my readers for my sporadic postings as of late. I just have nothing to really say and there are only so many quizzes and hot men you can look at till it becomes a bore. I've read over many of my post as of late and they seem to repeat the same tired stories of parental illness, unemployment, frustration and very little else. So please forgive me if my postings aren't as regular as they once were. I'm waiting on something new and exciting to happen that will be worth writing about and reading. Thanks so much for your loyalty and support during these trying times for me. I feel truly blessed.

A friend I had posted about here, dropped by for an unexpected visit today. Seems he has had more health trouble. He fell down the stairs and had swelling on the brain. He doesn't recall much about it or the time frame. He was transported to a local hospital after being semi- conscience in his room at home for 2 days before any room mate decided to check on him after discovering blood on the floor outside his bedroom door. He vaguely recalls taking two bottles of pills in his haze. He wasn't sure if he was attempting suicide or not, but committed himself to a psyche ward at Duke University hospital for a month after the local hospital released him. They also checked him out for any issues with his lung transplant. It seems his entire reason to visit was once again to ask something of me. This time to move in here, because now there is an underlying tension with his room mates that makes him uncomfortable. I politely declined. The nerve of this guy is staggering. So is his stupidity. I feel for him, but I ain't going there. I have enough on my plate with my parents and my own problems. If he were on the streets homeless and couldn't drive his Range Rover, I may reconsider. Or if he had repaid any money what so ever or even returned a DVD from last year, I may reconsider. Since none of that applies, it ain't gonna happen.

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Most of the photographs on this blog do not belong to me. If you are the owner and would like for me to give you credit or remove them, please send me an email. I will gladly do so. (I do try to remember from whence they came.)