Sorry to carry on moaning, just came downstairs and the wind had shut the back door and poor pup was wandering around in the garden looking sad. Felt so guilty! And now feel even more guilty for leaving her.

halle with regards to feeling crap, I have some emergency diazepam that I can take it I really feel rotten.

Can you tell I really don't want to go? Feel like crying.

Anyway, that's the last i'll say on the matter. I shall just try and pretend it's not happening.

pink sorry to hear about your troubles. I can't offer any constructive advice but here to listen and hand hold. Vent away, and I am sure some wiser babes will have some useful and comforting things to say.

Just been for a walk in the sunshine, felt a bit wobbly but made it back in one piece. Waiting for washing to dry so I can pack sobs. I really wish I could pull out but if I do, the whole thing will have to be cancelled. I need to woman up.

How you feeling now lala? I also had a nice AF day in the garden with my baby girl who now has a sore eye from rubbing suncream in it! What are you reading Ma? I was asked to a bbq and managed to decline as I know there is loads of booze and I didnt want to cave tonight after caving yesterday xxx lala I keep thinking about you things seem really tough for you just now xx hugs xx

Feeling really quite down about everything that's been going on recently. Still getting abusive messages (somehow getting through the block I put on his number?!). Might ring apple later and see if they can sort it.

Such a beautiful evening here. Feeling a bit better physically. Got so much to do before I have to wake up at 1am to get to the airport. Not sure there is any point going to sleep... Well done you, halle for resisting! And ma, sounds like you have had a lush day.

Depending on your own personality and personal baggage it can be so hard to not absorb shitty, abusive attitudes.

I know I still vacillate between 'it's not me, it's him: it's all me, I'm a complete loon'on a regular basis.

After reading Lundy Bancroft's book I realised that every single relationship I have ever had has been abusive (including my parents) and unfortunately for me by relationship 3 I was biting back in an abusive way in retaliation because boundaries are a very blurry concept for me.

If you are firm and to the point with him about what you will and will not tolerate does he turn it around on you, kitchen-sink you and tell you you are attacking/abusing/criticising him, Lala?

Hi I've been lurking in the background. Hope all of you lovely ladies are doing ok.I have been drinking, initially just a glass or 2 a night then as work stress kicked in a bottle a night. Yesterday I ended up in a pub all afternoon (child free), had a row with my oh who threw a remote control at me and stomped off to bed.I left the house in a temper went back to the pub and got force ably groped by a bloke who followed my into the ladies. When oh when will I realise that I am a liability drunk?? Back to the drawing board, I have to stop bingeing I can't do it any more I'm lucky I wasn't hurt.Feel like a right fool

Hi rarity, welcome to the bus. Im the exact same. A complete liability and binge drinker although coming here is helping me soooo much. Ive drank 2 times since I joined and that's amazing for me. And when I have drank I have had amazing will power to stop! But Id love to eventually be T total. I binged so much and got into so many bad situations and then Id hate myself for It next day so Id drink to take away the hatred and anxiety and it was a vicious circle. Why do you think you binge? Have you always been like that with alcohol? Xxx

Thanks Halle it helps to know people understand xxxI have no idea why I binge, I can go for months without doing it. But when it starts I feel on top of the world, and I don't have an off switch. I wake in the morning with black holes. I know that the funny witty life and soul I think I have been was a bumbling slurring embarrassing idiot. I think this one was due to a lot of pressure at work. My oh being a git. But ultimately I chose to drink.

pink that is exactly it. I 'drive' to his behaviour. It's always my fault, I looked at him funny, I was tired because I'd been at work all day, I didn't answer his texts the second he had sent them. The amount of times he accused me of flirting with other men, including a 60 year old uncle type figure who I have known since I was about 5, haven't seen in 8 years and lives 200 miles away! I could go on, but it just makes me seem more and more of a prat for putting up with it for so long.

The reason he kicked off on Monday was not because he was drunk and insane, oh no. It was because I had that really important work thing and needed to get an early night, so was stressed out. Nothing to do with the three bottles of wine he had drunk. Oh and it was also my fault because I was messaging one of my colleagues who happens to be a lot younger than me and male, about the work thing, and apparently that meant I was flirting. So basically in his head, I drove him to rip my phone up, to tear my duvet off my bed and try to grapple me for my phone. Oh and then I had a cigarette because I was stressed out, and that made me a liar because I said I was going to bed and I clearly wasn't. I could go on, but it is dull and boring.

Glad to hear that you have managed to sort of overcome it, pink. Why do we put up with it in the first place?!

I have a witness so he can try to deny it all he likes. Stupid git.He actually wanted to go ahem go back to bed this morning and has been lovely all day. I honestly think he believes I am stupid. In a way he's right though because we're still together. I am guilty of hoping him at his best is who he is and forgive the shit stuff. But throwing something at me is another step in the wrong direction.I am a fool.