FFA to announce ‘SUPERsoccer’ shortened version of the game

Following the announcement of Channel 9’s “FAST4” tennis competition and success of Cricket Australia’s T20 Big Bash, the Football Federation of Australia is also set to announce a shortened version of their sport to cater for people who don’t really like sport in the first place.

Sources have revealed exclusively to For Modern Football the FFA’s plans to “create a new fast-paced football competition, where the crowd will all snort a line of cocaine before kick off.”

“SUPERsoccer will be flashy, easy to consume, end quickly and highly addictive – everything that is great about sports.”

The FFA will be targeting families, with special ‘Family Memberships’ providing “ample cocaine for both parents to get them through a horrible night out”, while kids will get “baby powder, because they don’t need drugs to distract them”.

The idea has been well received, with one pundit commenting, “cricket, tennis and soccer are so boring and I’m very happy they’ve realised this in the last few years.”

The source refused to comment on rumours suggesting that players will not actually partake in SUPERsoccer. It is rumoured that merely a large scoreboard will sit in the middle of the field, display a score that will increase every thirty seconds, with cheerleaders dancing underneath it.