Stalking yourself

No-one wants to be that goofy kid they used to be. Except perhaps those who were child prodigies, or youthful sports heroes, and they want their former glory back.

Me? I was the kind of kid that by the time came to pick me for the side to play some ball sport I’d already gone somewhere else and was having a ball doing something else. It’s only a problem if you wanted to be included, and seeing as I wasn’t one of nature’s natural athletes not being picked wasn’t a problem.

I don’t mean to sound smug about this. I have my share of fear I’d like to avoid too. What I’m thinking about is when a person keeps replaying behaviours that are counter-productive, getting into relationships that are typically doomed, and generally find themselves in a pattern that’s painfully all too familiar.

It’s hard to break out of the habits founded on feelings from the past. Many adults cringe from something as seemingly easy and non-threatening as drawing, typically because they never learned as a child, and therefore they still draw in a childish manner. No-one mentions that there are plenty of experienced artists trying to get back to drawing in a less affected (child-like) manner. Many people want to write, draw, or create in some way, and don’t, held back by criticism they received when they were kids, from an adult.

I admire the courage of people who step out on a daily basis to leave their past where it belongs. It’s tough because it means having to give up things – possessions both physical and psychological – and these can feel like deaths. Smaller than the loss of a loved one, but the feeling is the same – separation, emptiness, anxiety, loneliness, death.

Somehow, it can be more comforting to have the familiar (if undesired) past stalk back into our lives.

Not for long though. Usually, the past routines surface, and we know they’re bad and we torture ourselves and move them on again. Hopefully they’ll be weaker next time. And we’ll be stronger.

Manifesto
3. Every day retain your personal power. It belongs to you. No one else.
26. Every day take action. Every small step counts.
27. Every day pain is a sign of growing.