November 24, 2009

November 22, 2009

I hope it’s ended, this strange up and down of emotional intensity. I hope. I still don’t completely understand what happened off in Vermont. Why those choices were made. It does make me question most everything about what it means to be open and what I want. I know what I don’t want. I never want to feel this way again.

Ever.

He takes on most of the responsibility and maybe that’s as it should be. All I know is that it hurt. And I don’t really care that she hurt too. Because I have no connection to her. I never did. And maybe that was a big part of the problem. I used to think I wanted something like this — something real and possible and connective. And now, the thought of something like this is unnappealing.

Do I want tribute? I don’t think so. I think, though, when you start things the way this started, that’s the dynamic you will end up with. Supplicant and ruler– one seeks permission to remain where thery find themselves, in the heart — in the head — in the life. The other weighs the possibilities and then grants or denies access. When they feel they have been properly acknowledged. K traded sex with T for a steak. At the time, it seemed appropriately pragmatic.

Not for me, though. It’s not what I signed on for. I feel so healed and better. And then I trip into these gaps inside myself that go much deeper than I would like.

November 7, 2009

We had what can only be described as an amazing get away. I don’t really understand what I am supposed to be learning through all this turmoil– maybe to be more specific about my needs? Maybe to realize that no matter how hard things are, I can do it? He met her at the airport on Wednesday night. I was running a training for work which was scheduled by someone who then wasn’t able to complete the task. My kids were leaving for my ex-wife’s wedding. The people who were supposed to show up to help me with the training didn’t show up. So, pile o’things. Again. Ugh. And he was late getting back. (Note to self, TSA notices more than you might think. 🙂 )

They had a good talk, I guess. It sounds like it was healing in all the right ways- at least for him. And now we are moving forward, together, and that feels really nice.

November 4, 2009

Some days feel longer than others. Yesterday felt like a weight that crushed all my feelings out. I used the f* word a lot. I expressed my most selfish, unenlightened feelings. I tried to reach for the most gallant in me and couldn’t reconcile it with the aching wound.

Things I want: a time machine; fewer emotional conversations; a faster process

Things I don’t want to want that I want: to be okay with her hurting or feel bad too

Things I need: to feel safe with you; to re-center; to celebrate all that we are

Things I feel: afraid; angry; sad; hopefully; safe; caring; tired

Things I remember: that you love me; that I love you; that in the end this is just a moment, among the others.

November 4, 2009

Sometimes I really miss being Mormon. It was so simple. I knew what was right, what wasn’t right, who I should be friends with, who I should date, what I should wear, and how I should eat. I had a ready made community. I didn’t drink coffee or alcohol so my entertainment expenses were lower. I know my friends and I used to talk about how people didn’t want to be part of the church because it was so “hard”. Really, it wasn’t hard. It was just rules. And while sometimes rules can feel restrictive, they can prevent a lot of extra worry about things. I know when I left the church, I felt so adrift. I didn’t know what would get me in trouble anymore. And that didn’t feel freeing, it felt terrifying.

With the overwhelming amount of “processing” my partner and I have been doing , the idea of a series of specific rules feels like a gift. I am trying to keep the part that gave me joy, the certainty that things would work out for the best. That there are no challenges I would face that I don’t have the strength to meet well. To remember to pause and be grateful for the many gifts and joys in my life. I don’t need the church for these things. It did help, though, to have a community of people remind me of these important realities.

November 2, 2009

I keep feeling better, only to wake up on Monday and feel burdened again. I am really trying to trust that I am not making the same mistake. Again. We went to a party on Saturday. I had spent a couple of weeks really focused on it as a date night. Us time- no kids – connection. We had different ideas about what that meant and I just disconnected. I went to the party and spent my time doing my own thing — together and also separate. More like when we met. I played the Chicago soundtrack this weekend and he asked me if it was a warning. He was kidding. And yet… maybe it is. I won’t be physically violent. I have been emotionally and spiritually damaging in the past. Ripping myself back and into myself, little tendrils hanging between me and the other that I slowly either reject or reabsorb.

I have been reaching out to people in ways I haven’t in awhile. I don’t know what that means. Playing on OKC. Chatting with folks more.I have this part of myself that I am holding in reserve. Waiting to give it back to you or keep it until someone shows me they appreciate and value it.