You Didn’t Lose The Person You Thought You Lost

You know what it’s like to get devastated when a promising new relationship doesn’t work out? Well, take heart – you didn’t actually lose ANYTHING.

In fact, you gained the freedom to find the person you ARE meant to be with.

It may not seem to be the case, but I want to point out to you that it’s a blessing when your dead-end relationship finally comes to a close…

A client of mine shared a story with me recently.

A lawyer in her mid-50s, Carol said that she’d gone out with this new guy three times.

He was older, divorced, and a real gentleman.

Unlike many men she’d met online, this man made a great effort each time.

He’d make plans in advance, email her in between dates, compliment her when he saw her, pay for everything, and talk about having a future together.

He was even a great kisser!

But one night while the new couple was fooling around on the couch, things got a little weird.

To avoid going too far, too fast, Carol (after some heavy petting), said what I told her to say when putting on the brakes:

“I also want you badly, but I only sleep with guys that I know I’m in a committed relationship with. That doesn’t mean that we can’t do a lot of other fun things together, but I don’t want the man I have sex with to be hitting on other women on Match.com tomorrow.”

The idea behind this is to let the man know that you ARE into him, but that you have just this one very reasonable boundary.

Generally, guys can understand this.

If he’s really into you, this is his chance to step up and become your boyfriend. If he’s not, this is a clear sign to get out.

Either way, it’s impossible for us to disrespect a woman who says she only has sex in a committed relationship. Even if we’re not getting our instant gratification met, it’s impossible for a man to find fault with a sexual woman who values herself.

A man’s failure to step up to the plate and act like a boyfriend is Red Flag #1 that he’s not a keeper.

Alas, Carol never heard from her guy the day after, or the day after that, or ever again. And when she started thinking, she started to get upset with me. After all, it was my advice that had killed her relationship. For all she knows, maybe if she would have slept with him, he would have asked her out again.

Uh uh. Nope. Fuhgeddaboutit.

Setting down boundaries for sex is a truth test – and this guy failed with flying colors.

I’m not suggesting that you “test” men. Not at all. But a man’s failure to step up to the plate and act like a boyfriend is Red Flag #1 that he’s not a keeper.

And this is why, despite her disappointment, Carol really shouldn’t be all that upset. Nor should you be upset if you ever set a reasonable boundary and the man walks away.

What’s a reasonable boundary?

Wanting to talk in between dates, making weekend plans in advance, committing to a relationship after three months.

If you suggest these in a reasonable way at a reasonable point in time and a guy refuses, then guess what?

He’s NOT the guy she thought he was. You didn’t lose your future husband. You lost the ILLUSION of your future husband. See, your future husband, when faced with the prospect of waiting for sex will do one of two things:

a) Decide that, yes, he does like you enough to be your boyfriend. He was just too afraid to push things that fast, but he’s glad you suggested it.

b) Decide that he’s not ready to commit yet, but he appreciates your respectable stance. You’ll both get semi-naked, have a little fun, and no hearts will be broken.

Your future husband does NOT:

c) Bail like a rat leaving from a sinking ship.

So if you’re worrying about why some guy disappears suddenly on you – without any reasonable explanation – the thing to know is this:

You didn’t lose your future husband.

You lost the ILLUSION of your future husband.

You’re OVERRATING that person’s character.

He is NOT a good partner for you.

Be GLAD that you learned that this person is not in it for the long haul.

Remember, despite all your bad experiences, there are good men out there – men just like you, who are wondering where to connect with you.

The only responsibility you have is to continue to make the effort to meet them.

Comments:

31

Gina

Evan, I love you! Your words, “You didn’t lose your future husband, you lost the ILLUSION of your future husband,” really hit home for me. I am sitting here working on getting through a broken heart and reading what you wrote is helping me to put things in the proper perspective.

You can’t control a man’s behavior. Sleeping with him on the third date or in the third month won’t guarantee that he will – or will not – be your boyfriend. If you can handle sex with no commitment, great, if not, then it’s better to wait.

It seems to me that Carol was moving too fast for someone who wants to take things slowly. If she was expecting exclusivity and/or commitment by the third date, yet she wasn’t ready for intercourse, then she should have been pacing the physical intimacy more slowly. That would have given her more time to ascertain whether or not this “real gentleman” was really a nice guy and interested in a serious relationship with her without sexual feelings and heavy relationship questions clouding the issue too soon.

I agree. I think it would have been easy to misinterpret her “heavy petting” as a green light to intercourse. I think the gentleman in question may have been more turned off by what appeared to be a sudden change in her interests.

Honestly, I am truly surprised by how many posters want to argue with Evan over this. Really, this makes sense. There is a little subtlety of reasoning that you need to do, but nothing more than what you’d need in order to split the utility bill with your housemates. Really.

You can think of it in terms of economics: when something is readily (easily) available (your sex), it will command a lower price (your value in his eyes). Plain and simple. Economics can apply to relationships, particularly when two people have something each other wants. From an economics point of view, you mentally create value in a man’s mind by waiting to have sex rather than having it sooner. No, it’s not romantic, but it is true.

I didn’t hear Evan once say that you should wait until three months to have sex or make a commitment. What I did understand is that by three months, he should have been able to get to know you well enough to decide whether or not he is ready to commit or not. In other words, if the guy you’re seeing isn’t ready to yank their match.com profile by that time, it’s probably time to cut things off with him/her.

This is excellent advice! I dated a guy that I had a lot of hopes for last fall. I asked him if he was ready to date exclusively very early because I didn’t want to get hurt. He agreed by taking down his profile and in two months we had sex. However, even though he publicly took his profile down, he was still seeking out other dates and did this after we had sex without breaking up with me. When I found out what he was doing, I was crushed. Even though we weren’t together that long, it was really, really rough.

Lesson to me: I could have waited even longer, observed more, etc. Slowed things down. I don’t think it would have changed his behavior or the fact that we wouldn’t have ended up together. But I ended up exposing myself to potential STDs and a whole lot of hurt.

The silver lining message of this article is not lost on me: I didn’t end up marrying a cheating heartbreaker and I’m so much better off because our relationship ended.

I, too, am not sure why you’re talking about it being impossible to disrespect a woman for only having sex in a “committed relationship” and not an “exclusive relationship,” Evan. Doesn’t exclusive just mean you’re not dating anyone else at the current time, whereas commitment means you’re settling down for good? I’m particularly confused because I could swear I read a post of yours some time ago where you seemed to suggest that a woman shouldn’t make a guy wait till marriage to have sex.

Evan, since I’m on a budget, I’d really like to know this: in your opinion, should I or should I not take my profile down before I become exclusive, committed, have sex, what have you? I have problems with this part, because to me, doing it before I get to know the man better (aka sex) sounds a lot like throwing $100 down the drain. Am I missing something? I know to a lot of people on here $100 is small change, but I’ve got a kid starting college in the fall and money is kind of important to me right now.

Evan, I am not in disagreement with your message to women. It’s within my nature to have established boundaries and to not be fully intimate with a man three dates in under any circumstances. This is how I have raised my daughter. I also don’t find anything unethical or not normal, if a woman wants to do heavy petting without going all the way, though the term “heavy petting” is open to interpretation.

I just thought that if this is a woman’s boundary, then this discussion should take place before their actions start to heat up, so that the man doesn’t feel misled. That’s all.

As for whether exclusivity and a committed relationship are one and the same … IMHO exclusivity brings a commitment to dating only each other, but a committed relationship means not only dating exclusively, but also for several months, possibly living together, meeting friends and family, etc. If I am exclusive with a man, that doesn’t mean he’s going to receive the keys to the city before we find a trusting and comfortable milestone where I know he’s into me first and foremost. Typically, two to three months in. And that also doesn’t mean he’s not going to get to first or second base. I know that men need to feel encouraged. 😉

Setting boundaries is great, but I’d be sure I said the word exclusive and seeing where things lead, rather than saying commitment, which could be miscontrued as knowing you want to be together longterm and having a ring on your finger – if I were a guy I’d freak over that too ! My two best friends are guys who are popular with women, and they tell me the same thing. Women offer it up to them before the 3rd date, and while they don’t turn it down, they don’t put any value on it either. Giving a man your body is not going to make him fall for you, no matter how good in bed you may be. My friend told me to treat it like the “family jewels” and make the man work for it – he’ll value you more, and you’ll know that he’s really interested in getting to know you, rather than just wanting the sexual relationship. Course you don’t want to come across as a cold fish, but I think men can tell the difference.

I’m a bit amazed at the furor erupting over Evan’s advice on this one. Perhaps part of it is a semantics issue? Heavy petting probably means different things to everyone. To some, once hands touch something beneath the neck then it’s heavy petting. For others, it’s 3rd base. There’s obviously a big difference there in terms of how far a guy might reasonably expect to go before the brakes are put on, which would then affect how he would react to Carol’s statement. So the heavier the petting, the better it is if the position on exclusivity has been made beforehand.

That being said, most adults are starting to think about exclusivity by the 3rd date mark. If you’re not enjoying the company and don’t think there’s potential, then rarely will date #2 (much less 3) happen. So I’m not saying that the people will have had the exclusivity conversation by that time, but individually they’re probably beginning to think about it.

Anyway, if the person you’re dating won’t wait for you, it’s not the right person (regardless of whether the wait is short or long).

I think the writer (of the original question to EMK) was way too calculating about sex. She’s indicating that she’s thinking completely rationally *while* she’s ready to have sex w this man. That sort of calculation isn’t the kind of wholesale enthusiasm for sex that (I thought) a man wants from a woman. However, how do you know the chemistry’s going to fuel a relationship if you haven’t had sex yet ? Now that she’s said this, how does he know she’s not thinking of things like his level of income and how her friends will think about him- when it should be about him as a man ?
By the way, my bf and I are both in our fifties, and both professionals. This means a much smaller dating pool, which means, to me- if there’s chemistry, you’re incredibly fortunate and should go for it.

A male friend of mine dated a girl for 6 weeks, he liked her very much and saw her nearly every night but she made him wait…eventually they had sex which he said was very good, 3 days later he ended it he said he didn’t feel the same way about her, was it because the chase was over?,,she was devastated,,,after hearing this I don’t make them wait that long if I like them…the lasy guy I went out with we had sex on the 3rd date and I think the sex is what kept us together for 3 months but ultimately we just weren’t compatible, I will definitely miss sleeping with him and don’t regret not waiting because I felt he liked me.

Misty, #44, I think you’re missing the point. A guy who won’t date you unless you have sex right away is NOT a good long term partner. And if you have sex too soon, you may get blinded by those feelings of chemistry and not pay attention to whether you’re compatible outside of the bedroom (and let’s face it, most of a relationship takes place outside of the bedroom!)

To find out more about why men “disappear,” check out this book of Evan’s.

Yes. To tell a guy you prefer to have sex when you’re exclusive is a great way to test where a guy is. He can say he’s up for it (great), he can say he isn’t ready for exclusivity yet (bummer, but he can’t help if he’s ready or not), or he can disappear like a loser (NOT the guy for you). Whatever happens, you get your answer.

Regarding when to be exclusive: The 3rd date may be too soon to EXPECT exclusivity, but it isn’t too soon to get it. If a guy likes you, there’s a strong chance he’ll be up for that after a handful of dates. If he’s not, you can hold off (on sex, on exclusivity) for a while. After a couple of months, if he doesn’t want to date just you, move on.

There was nothing wrong with the OP’s behavior. The topic has to come up sometime, and fooling around in a way that could lead to sex is a natural time to broach it.

Is it self sabotage to say during the 1st date that you are looking for something serious? Not with that man you’re on a date with at the time, but in general, stating I’m looking for a serious relationship with someone.

And I think most of us know, deep down, that that’s how it works. It just hurts so much when you get your hopes up and then they come crashing back down to earth. It’s not rational. It’s a deep disappointment and a rejection and it hurts.

I was involved with a horrible guy who, for awhile, had me thoroughly fooled into thinking he was wonderful. One night we hit the point where we couldn’t pretend anymore, and he showed his true colors. I broke up with him because of his disrespectful behavior toward me. He didn’t object to breaking up; in fact, he even seemed to take it on as if it had been his decision. I was devastated. I wanted him back. I wanted him to want me back, to not want to break up. I kept telling myself that he was obviously not as wonderful as I thought and I was right to end it with him, but it just hurt so damn bad because I’d had such high hopes for us.

Your client was hurt because she felt disappointed and rejected, but as time heals those wounds (and it will at least make them better, if not fully heal them), she will realize that she dodged a bullet, and she’ll thank you. Were it not for your advice she would have been hurt even worse.

#47 Laine, thanks. For me personally, to be exclusive with a guy is a big decision. I may not be ready to such “commitment” but I’m ready to have sex with him.

I guess, to each her own. It very much boils down to a woman’s values and perception of options.

I have always been very relaxed about sex and so far it has never been an issue. There were perhaps a few times I thought I shouldn’t have had sex that soon but it never was a big production to me that left a “lifetime scar.”

To Katarina and Laine and anyone who may have quibbled with this post: if you’re not worried about a guy bailing after sex, then have sex whenever you want. Really. I’m all for it. If the gain you get from having sex before commitment is greater than the cost of getting used and ignored, then you have a calculus that works for you.

This advice is designed protect women from their own libidos and impulses; to ensure a measure of commitment BEFORE the act, instead of wishing for commitment AFTER the act, when the deed is already done, you’re emotionally vulnerable and have no control over what he does. This isn’t patronizing or suggesting that women need to curtail their sexual energy or any such false equivalent.

This is simply recognizing what I’ve heard hundreds of times as a dating coach: “Why would he sleep with me if he didn’t care? Why do I keep getting hurt? Why are men such players?” So while I’m all for sleeping around because you feel like it, MANY women can’t handle the consequences, although they think they can. And if you are willing to sleep with a guy before you know where he stands on your relationship, this is EXACTLY what causes all of your pain afterwards.

Still want to disagree with this for women who are prone to getting hurt by players? Or are you just saying that this doesn’t apply to “you”? Because those are two very different things.

This is not attacking and looking to contradict you, Evan, I want clarity so that I’m sure about the strategy I take about the next man I date. I’m 28 and want to get married. The following was stated in this post:

It’s mentioned in this post to “play it cool,” yet do I still make it known that I have a standard of committment before sex from what you’re saying in this post? A part from sex, I previously commented that I would like to make it known that I’m looking for a serious relationship unless that sabotage.

Katarina @ 53 . We seem to think alike. What comes across on these blogs is that women need to curtail their female sexual energy and not be true to themselves to ensure a guy will want a long term relationship with them. Jersey girl alluded to this in her post on the male moral gatekeeper.
When all is said and done this is not about when a couple has sex. It is about who has the power, or rather who is willing to give away their power rather than stay with it. It is about the psychological mind state of the parties involved. I have sex when and with whom I want, when it feels right to me ( partner willing). I have no hidden agenda as to whether this will develop into a long term relationship or not. I need to feel emotionally close to a man before sex, but I understand that the complexities in developing intimacy cannot be forced with exclusivity or commitment without spending a lot of time getting to know one another both in and out of the bedroom. I always think about whether I like the guy and if he is paying me the attention I need to continue to see him. I never wonder what he thinks of me..his behaviour tells me that. I think about whether or not I want to keep seeing him, and if he is mindful of keeping my ongoing attention, irrespective of whether we have slept together or not.

it is such a subtle shift, from wondering if a guy likes you, or considering if you like him and will give him any more time, Subtle maybe, but guys know which woman they are dealing with.

When a guy says he is going to be exclusive, these days, the only “proof” a woman has is the act of taking down his online dating profile. Well that’s a bunch of hooey!
I am one of those women that “committed” guys puts on their favorites list while they are ostensibly in an exclusive relationship. They take down their profiles, put them back up in the wee hours of the morning, put me on their favorites list , then take their profiles back down again to keep the charade going. Eventually they contact me. I actually had a guy do this on the day he was getting married (I never met him but my friend did and told me, when I was showing her my Match guys, that she knew him and the date he favorited me was his wedding day, and the guy is in his late forties, successful and on his second marriage). He eventually contacted me (he,having been married for a week,) and I ignored him. Guys tell me that, for my age- which is middle, I am considered a ten, and, well, most men would like to sleep with me (little do they know I am very hard to get) even if it means cheating on their whatevers.

I do agree with Evan’s advice and see his point completely. I’m a woman that likes to take things slow and will not have sex outside of an exclusive relationship. His advice on stating your boundary without pressuring the guy into commitment is awesome. However, I agree with the commenters that say how you don’t start heavy petting and then put the breaks on with a commitment talk; especially after 3 dates. I’m not saying that sex has to follow after heavy petting; I’m just saying that your boundaries should be discussed before entering that situation just as Diana and some others said. There are people such as myself who are OK with some petting and don’t have to have penetration. I can sleep in the same bed with a guy and not do anything. Some guys are OK with it and some can’t do it. Everyone’s tolerance level is different; it doesn’t make anyone right or wrong. This is why I won’t accept dates in a guys house so early on in the dating process. If I did, I would state where I stand before even going there because I don’t want to be misleading nor be considered a tease. I’ve notice that there are lots of guys that won’t commit without knowing if you’re sexually compatible; where I can’t have sex without exclusivity. I just know that those guys aren’t a match for me. My ex and I became exclusive after 5 dates and he had not even seen me naked by that point. He was very respectful and that’s one of the things I really liked. Our dates were always out in public areas and neither one of us invited the other to our homes.
I feel that 3 dates is too soon for an exclusivity talk; just as 3 dates is too soon for sex. If Carol wanted to take it slow, then she should have avoided being on a couch so soon. Again, I’m not saying that they can’t be on the couch without anything happening; I’m just saying that her boundaries could have been discussed and clear beforehand. This is why I’m saying it’s best to avoid these situations all together early on, so that you won’t have these awhward moments. Now she gets annoyed at Evan for following his advice when she should be thinking that he probably wasn’t the guy for her. Sounds to me like she wanted to sleep with the guy and makes it sound as if Evan advised her on not to. Evan doesn’t advise women to hold out on sex when the women want to.

Carol needs to take responsibility for her part and be grateful that she realized this wasn’t her guy early on.

confused asked: (#52)“It’s mentioned in this post to ‘play it cool,’ yet do I still make it known that I have a standard of committment before sex from what you’re saying in this post?”

It’s possible to communicate a boundary (no sex before exclusivity) or an eventual goal (marriage) while still playing it cool. The way to come across as being cool about it is to seem like you’re not in a rush.

It also comes across as “cooler” to not blurt out your agenda up front. Instead, mention it when the topic of conversation has wandered over in that direction.

Let’s say I want my date to know that I’m dating with the intention of finding a wife, not a fling. I might wait until we start talking about our families. When we’re discussing our families, I normally mention that my brother has been married three times. Then I could follow up by saying, “I want to get married at some point, but I’d rather take my time and find the right person, instead of jumping into a marriage then finding out it’s with the wrong person.”

I can make that statement while I’m on the first date without making it sound like I’m rushing to the altar.

Those dudes to which you refer are a bunch of damned fools and consequences have a way of catching up with people – male or female – who behave that badly.

With regard to the subject at hand, Carol was culpable due to how far she let things go before the discussion, it’s highly likely that the guy she was seeing would have bailed at some point had it not have happened when it did. His behavior speaks volumes about his character. I think this assumption is being made that Carol foresaw how the date’s events would unfold. If men are being in the moment then its highly likely that Carol too was being in the moment. Sex and all thing related is not a topic I initiate unless the guy wants to have that discussion and then I’ll address what my boundaries are. And if a guy is put off by my having tha boundary in place, then he’s more than welcome to go his way and I’ll go mine.

Well Evan, I do understand why you advise that. As I said it very much boils down to the women’s values. I don’t see having sex as “getting used” by anyone because I do it for my own selfish reasons without any agenda and expectation (just like Laine said).

Meeting someone you feel right in many levels that you can envision a long term relationship with him is so rare in my experience (perhaps one in every 50 men you date?), hence that advice isn’t really practical for me, personally. Sure other women will find it beneficial, I have no problem with that at all.

An btw, because connection and chemistry is so rare in my experience, I in fact sometimes use sex to see if we have more or if I can feel more attracted to him. It’s almost like a way for me to jumpstart something more meaningful: allowing myself to connect and latch to him, seeing another side of him. I know it sounds backward and twisted. But to me, the sooner I know that he’s really a “hopeless case” the better, so no more time is wasted.

And I guess I’m too impatient to allow much more time pass not knowing if I still want to see him in the long run. And if the sex isn’t great we won’t last anyway, so I’d better establish that sooner than later.

As such, I don’t necessarily like the guys more after sex, the other way around usually happens (and they’re the ones who want a relationship while I don’t). So getting hurt after sex rarely happens to me. Sex doesn’t make me attached to him unless I dig him and see him regularly. So it’s not the sex that hurts me, it’s if the relationship doesn’t work which perhaps has little to do with sex.

So it works both ways, though I understand you don’t get to hear this often because it’s not an issue, obviously.

Yes, exactly. My last couple of boyfriends both asked me to be their girlfriend BEFORE we’d slept together. Things didn’t work out for other reasons, but at least in terms of our status, I knew where i stood. One of them, whom I’d already known well as a friend, asked after 3 weeks of dating, the other after 6 weeks. Neither one asked in the midst of fooling around, either.

And let’s not forget, once we have sex with a man, there are hormonal processes (oxytocin, anyone?) that make us FEEL we have bonded with him, even if we have not. Feelings aren’t facts.

When I was dating my husband, I was in my mid 40s and he was in his mid 30s. Both adults, both “been around,” and I had been married and divorced. But when the subject came up, I said to him (sweetly and smiling), “I’m a very generous person. But there’s one thing I won’t share, and that’s a man I’m sleeping with.” I just left it at that. I laid out my boundaries, take it or leave it. He got it, and told me he appreciated it. After about 2.5-3 months of dating (12 dates?), he asked me to be his exclusive girlfriend and I accepted. THEN we became intimate. He told me afterwards, “If you’d wanted to wait longer, I would have, because it was really worth it.” We were engaged a few months later.

That’s what it should look like when you’ve met the right person, the person who truly does want YOU and isn’t just out for a good time/what they can get. We didn’t do a lot of heavy petting beforehand because neither of us wanted to get into a situation where it would be “just too easy” to get carried away.

It worked for us. And it’s what I recommend to my own dating coaching clients now. Evan is right on with this one. No sex without commitment/sexual monogamy.

I don’t disagree with this. I think women are often hurt because they mistakenly believe the act of sex automatically conveys a sense of commitment on the part of the man. It doesn’t necessarily. The more time one spends with someone in person the better sense they get of what that person’s all about.

Personally? Sex is a part of getting to know someone and happens when it feels comfortable to me. Relative to how much time I’ve spent with that person.

Here’s the thing though: a woman can wait until the guy agrees to be exclusive, or takes down his profile, or calls her his girlfriend…unfortunately none of those “commitments” guarantee that he will stick around for life. So ultimately it’s still up to each individual to decide for herself when she feels “ready” and accept the consequences whatever they may turn out to be.

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