Match 2 - C.J. vs. Abbey

[FADE IN - GINGA, ORANGE, and LEO are standing in front of the Washington Monument. It's a bright, sunny day, with birds flying through the air and not a cloud in the sky. Well, okay, there are some. But the point is, it's a beautiful day, perfect for a fight, right?]

ORANGE: [grins and gestures upward] Here we are on the steps of the Washington Monument!

GINGA:At the world's largest phallic symbol!

LEO:Damn right. This thing's freakin' ridiculous.

ORANGE:C'mon, Leo, you know you find it hilarious. [she elbows him]

LEO:[glances over at ORANGE] Not particularly, no.

ORANGE: [she elbows him more and waggles her eyebrows]

LEO:[frowns] Don't make me push you off these steps.

ORANGE:[pouts] Fiiine. [she turns her back to him, looks at GINGA, and sighs.]

GINGA:One day, Leo, we'll get you to smile and do something fun.

LEO:[craning neck upward to look at the top of the Monument] I might smile if I could watch you two trying to run up the steps of this thing.

ORANGE:OKAY! [she runs up the steps leading to the front door, and then collapses]

GINGA:HAHA.

LEO: Now it's your turn.

GINGA:What!? No!

ORANGE: [twitches on the steps] Water!

LEO:Alright, alright. Let's get to the fight. I have to say, a competition between the firey First Lady and the woman who needs to wear a bell around her neck... I'm a little torn as to who to pick to win because they both often scare the crap out of me.

ORANGE: [bolts back down the steps to join LEO and GINGA] You [gasp] better say [gasp] the Creggster. [gaaaaasp]

LEO:Well, then, I pick Abbey, just because she scares me a little bit more.

GINGA:WELL, as a proud member of cj_fangrrl, I must say that that is the wrong answer.

ORANGE:Agreed. [giggle] Nice job of pimping!

GINGA:I know, totally, I could suck up to allicoholics too, if you'd like.

ORANGE: OOH, that was greatly appreciated. I wish I had something to pimp...

GINGA:[puts a hand over her mouth, and then starts laughing uncontrollably]

LEO:Ahhh, get off! [tries to push ORANGE away with his hand on her head]

[Black SUV #1 opens. ABBEY steps out, and Secret Service agents standing around her quickly close the door and usher the SUV away so she will not be able to throw it this time. She ignores them and instead raises her eyebrow at the scene in front of her, which consists of GINGA having to lean on a wall of the building because she's laughing so hard, and LEO flailing around, with ORANGE still hanging on to his waist.]

ABBEY:What the hell is going on?

ORANGE: Leo, just tell me what you're wearing! You smell so goooooood! [sniiiiiiiiiiiff]

GINGA: [wipes tears of laughter from her eyes] Hi, Dr. Bartlet. We don't really know where C.J. is yet, so until then you can sit here and laugh your ass off with me! [resumes snickering]

ORANGE [off-screen]:DON'T FIGHT IT LEO!

LEO: [off-screen]:HELP ME!

ABBEY: [chuckles] Oh, poor Leo. [looks at GINGA] I'm sure this will be fine entertainment while we wait for C.J.

GINGA: I don't suppose you know where she is? I would've thought she'd have been here way before now... [nervously glances at watch]

ORANGE:[holds LEO even tighter] God, I hope she's okay!

GINGA:Yeah, me too. You don't think she's hiding or something, do you? She didn't seem too happy when we volunteered her for this.

[C.J.'s office is dark. The door is closed. However, it's still the middle of the day so it shouldn't really be that way. And so SAM, being the curious spin boy he is, heads over there to see what's up.]

SAM:Carol? Carol, why is C.J.'s office dark?

CAROL:She's hiding. [bites lip and glances at the dark window of her boss's office]

SAM:Hiding?

CAROL:Sam, let me ask you... well, actually, you were there, right? How did you feel when C.J. was volunteered to fight the First Lady?

SAM: [grimaces] Let's just say I was happy that it wasn't me being volunteered.

CAROL:Yeah.

SAM:[sighs] Well... shouldn't somebody go in there?

CAROL: I did earlier. But she threw things at me from behind her desk. [she sighs and picks a scrap of paper out from her hair, then flicks it away]

[TOBY enters and stands behind SAM and CAROL]

TOBY:[to Sam] You're here because...?

SAM:C.J.'s office is dark.

[TOBY gives him a blank look.]

SAM:I thought since all the other offices were, you know, lit, something might be up.

[TOBY rolls his eyes, steps in front of the door, and begins pounding on it with his fist.]

TOBY:[shouting] C.J.!

CAROL:[gasp] TOBY, NO! She'll throw things at you!

C.J. [from behind the door]:GO AWAY!

[TOBY lets out a loud sigh, opens the door, and shuts it behind him.]

CAROL:[her mouth drops, and she bites her lip once again]

SAM:...okay?

[TOBY takes slow steps toward C.J.'s desk.]

TOBY:C.J.?

[Suddenly, TOBY finds himself being pelted with dozens of small, hard things.]

TOBY:[tries to shield himself] Owowowow! C.J.! What the hell!? OW!

C.J.:[crouching behind the desk] DON'T MAKE ME DO IT AGAIN! I have more Goldfish and I know damn well how to use them!

TOBY:C.J., I don't care if you're 6'or 5'12'' or whatever it is that you call it today, I can guarantee that I will rip you out from behind that desk. [pause] Besides, I can see your head.

C.J.:[makes a small whimpering sound and tries to crouch down lower, but finds it more difficult than originally anticipated] Ow. Ow ow ow.

TOBY:[he walks up to her desk, and then steps behind it]

C.J.:GAH! [reaches inside her bag of Goldfish... only to discover that none remain]

TOBY: [rolls eyes] C.J... [crouches down to her level] You know you have a good 9 inches on the First Lady. You'll kick her ass.

C.J.:Well, that's nice, except that she could jump me and then... and then my face... gone...! [buries face in hands and groans]

TOBY:I won't let her eat your face.

[The room is silent for a moment. Everyone reading this now knows we have breached the 'Ship Border and are now in 'Shipping Country.]

TOBY:[clears throat] Anyway, there's always the option of shoving a motherboard up her ass.

C.J.:[looks up hesitantly] That's true...

TOBY: [smiles] Let me help you out from under there.

C.J.:Well. Uh. [coughs and tries to shift positions] In an effort to cram myself even more under here, I think I'm... [shift shift] I think I might be (ow), stuck.

TOBY:[laughs] Can you grab my hands? [he holds his hands out for her to grasp]

C.J.:Ow, um, maybe. [places her hands in his]

TOBY:[he grunts as he tries to pull her out] Jesus. [he pulls some more, but nothing helps]

C.J.: OW OW OW! Not so hard, damn it!

TOBY:Maybe I'll go a little to the left. [he grunts again as he attempts to pull her out from under the desk]

C.J.:[her head smacks hard against the bottom of the desk] AH! OH, GOD! OW!

[Outside the office, SAM and CAROL stare at the door, their eyes wide, not sure what to think about the noises they're hearing.]

TOBY [from inside the office]:CAROL, WE NEED SOME BUTTER!

C.J. [from inside the office]:Ah, ah, don't do it like that!

[SAM's eyes widen further. CAROL's eyes are equally large, but she asks no questions and merely shuffles off to find some butter. She looks as if she has been forever scarred emotionally.]

TOBY:Well, I wouldn't have to do it like that if you didn't have to move down there!

[SAM's eyes practically bulge out of his head. He places his hands over his ears.]

SAM:No, no I don't want to hear this.

[CAROL returns holding a can of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter". She gulps and fixes her gaze on the door, looking absolutely nauseous.]

CAROL:I... I... GAH! [she opens the door quickly, tosses the container inside with her eyes closed, then slams the door, leans against it, and breathes heavily.]

[Back inside the office...]

TOBY:[stares at the container of butter on the floor] What the hell was that about?

C.J.:[with her neck bent in an odd position, still lodged under the desk] I really have no idea. But can you just hurry, please?

TOBY:[shrugs] I'm gonna go get the butter so you can finally slip out.

C.J.:THANK GOD, because this just plain sucks.

[Outside, SAM is on the floor, having just fainted. CAROL's bottom lip is quivering and her eyes are the size of dinner plates. Of course, CAROL can't help but faint as well when C.J. lets out an angry-sounding scream.]

[Title Card: BACK AT THE MONUMENT...]

GINGA:[looks at watch anxiously, tapping foot]

ORANGE:Hey Leo, speak some Spanish for us to pass the time!

LEO:No hablo español, estupida.

ORANGE:HEEEEEY. [pout]

GINGA:Ohhh, where could she be? [glances around trying to see some sign of C.J.'s potential arrival]

[Title Card: AND AT THE- [a blue Mustang whizzes by the title card, knocking it out of alignment and off the screen]]

C.J.:AAARRRGGGHHH! I can't believe I can't make this thing go any faster! I think you're weighing down the car, Toby!

TOBY:[glares] Or maybe your car just sucks.

C.J.:Maybe someone should've slathered that butter farther away from someone else's hair! You forget that I still HAVE SOME!

TOBY:Speaking of that, I really hope Sam and Carol will be okay. But they're besides the point right now, because if YOU hadn't gotten stuck in the first place-

C.J.:If you hadn't provoked me into getting stuck-

TOBY:WELL, YOUR HEAD WAS SHOWING! Hiding, apparently, is not something at which you excel!

C.J.:You shouldn't have resisted by Goldfish assault. What would it have taken you to just be driven out of my office like everyone else I pelted!?

[TOBY quickly notices that C.J. is failing to watch the road.]

TOBY:WATCH THE ROAD, WOULD YOU!

C.J.: The road is fine! [presses the gas pedal down harder] I'm gonna kick her ass! I'm gonna KICK HER ASS, you know why? Because in my moment of weakness, I had to get help from YOU of all people! AND I HAVE BUTTER IN MY HAIR!

TOBY:You do have butter in your hair, and you know what? It makes you look hot!

C.J.:...You think grease in my hair makes me look hot? [totally turns her head to stare at TOBY, thereby not watching the road even more]

TOBY:[points frantically] Hello, there's a road out there that NEEDS WATCHING!

C.J.:Screw the damn road!

TOBY:PLEASE! WATCH THE ROAD!

[They go speeding down the street, leaving a dust cloud in their wake. Trees also bend from the sudden gust of wind that rushes behind them.]

[Title Card: AT THE MONUMENT ONCE AGAIN...]

ORANGE:[sighs] I'm getting so sick of waiting! Damn you, C.J.! Damn you for making us wait! [she levels a heavy glare at LEO]

LEO:What the hell are you mad at me for? I thought I smelled good a few minutes ago.

ORANGE:You called me stupid in Spanish! [huffs] I'm not talking to you anymore. [she turns her back to him]

LEO:...alright, so... [stares at his microphone] Any minute now. Any minute now this torture will be over...

ABBEY:[yawns] Do any of you have cards?

GINGA:Can't say that I've got any... Damn, we should've stolen the "Shoe Money Tonight" cards when we were in New York exploring Sports Night!

ORANGE:[gasps] I didn't get to go on that trip! [pouts] Donna and I got stuck with strep throat!

GINGA:Well, at least that meant Donna wouldn't have freaked out seeing Monica from the wardrobe department. Tell me, if you saw someone who looked exactly like you who WASN'T, you'd freak out, right? So maybe we should have them fight sometime. [giggles evilly]

ORANGE:Hey, if I saw someone who looked exactly like me I kill it! That just wouldn't be right... [shiver]

GINGA:God, seriously, where is she? [jumps up and down]

[The sound of an engine screaming along is heard in the distance.]

ORANGE:HEY, LOOK! [points]

GINGA:What the hell...?

ORANGE: [gasps and stands up to point excitedly]

[The engine screams louder, and OH MY GOD SUDDENLY a blue Mustang screeches to a halt right in front of the Monument. C.J. hops out without even opening the door, but Toby is still inside, looking very scarred indeed, and even a little dizzy.]

C.J.:[points at ABBEY in a dramatic fashion] BRING IT, uh, ma'am. AW HELL, JUST BRING IT! BRING IT RIGHT NOW!

ABBEY:[growls] OH, I BROUGHT IT AND SET IT ON YOUR DOORSTEP TWO WEEKS AGO!

C.J.:WELL, I'M BRINGING IT BACK 'CAUSE IT SUCKED!

ABBEY:YOU'RE GOING TO EAT THOSE PRETTY WORDS, GREGG! OOH, I SAID IT!

GINGA:[gasps] OH NO SHE DIDN'T. NOT THAT AWFUL MIS-SPELLING THAT EVERYONE IN THE NEWS USES!

ORANGE:Oh yeah she did! Oh. Man.

C.J.: [yanks out a fresh bag of Goldfish and rips it open] GOLDFISH ATTACK! [flings tons of them like little missles at ABBEY]

ABBEY:[screams and charges]

LEO:WAIT A MINUTE!

ABBEY:[stops mid-charge and stares at LEO]

C.J.:[stops with her arm extended in an odd throwing position]

LEO:[points to the top of the Monument] The viewers voted for up there, remember?

ABBEY:...right. [finishes her charge and grabs C.J. by the hair, and then walks over to the steps. She glances at the steps, then at C.J., then at the steps again, and then decides to hop unceremoniously on C.J.'s back.] PIGGY-BACK RIDE! HAHAHAHA!

C.J.:AH! GET HER OFF OF ME! [flails around]

GINGA:Oh, God, somebody stop me before I- [her sentence is stopped by a snort, and then a cascade of giggling]

ORANGE:BUMPIN' AND GRINDIN'! [collapses on the floor laughing]

GINGA:HAHA, NOW I'LL NEVER STOP!

[ORANGE and GINGA roll around on the floor giggling hysterically. LEO's mouth and TOBY's mouth drop at the same time. C.J. frantically runs around with ABBEY on her back.]