Ex-Butler Finds Ron Paul’s Ayn Rand Sex Doll

Ron Paul attended his own press conference dazed, confused, and stumbling over quotes from Atlas Shrugged.

The following is a transcript of The Washington Fancy’s exclusive interview with a man simply known as “Jeeves,” now the ex-butler of Presidential candidate Ron Paul:

Jeeves: I always figured something was going on. Whenever I tried to offer him surprise tea at 4:30 p.m., he would scream ‘Just a minute!’ and when I entered the room, he would have a newspaper on his lap.

TWF: So when exactly did you notice the sex doll?

Jeeves: It happened on a cold September morning two weeks ago. Ron left his home office in quite the rush; I believe he was to attend a United Nations meeting that day, and well, you know Ron, he always likes to ride through the streets like Paul Revere on those mornings. Yes, if you ever heard a high pitched, noticeably-frail-from-aging voice yell ‘The taxes are coming! The taxes are coming!’ on a cold September morning – well, that was Ron.”

TWF: Yes, but when exactly did you see the doll?

Jeeves: Oh yes, terribly sorry. I saw master Ron stream out of the house as if the devil were chasing him, which of course, I never rule out; he is very old you know.

TWF: Ayn Rand sex doll. Where was it?

Jeeves: If you’ll just give me a second, kind sir! …I strode over to the mantle, crucifix in hand, to fetch Master Ron’s neckerchief, but on my way there I was tripped by a protruding plastic leg. Why, I nearly fainted when I gazed down to see the taught skin of a young Jezebel, clad in high heels of the latest fashion, poking out from under the desk. Well I immediately thought to myself, ‘You’ve done it now Jeeves, I told you that you shouldn’t huff more than the prescribed amount of turpentine so early in the morning, but you did it anyways.’

TWF: Sir, we really are in a hurry, if you could just describe the doll.

Jeeves: Oh yes, yes, the doll. Well, after regaining my wits with a strong pull on a tonic from Master Ron’s brandy closet, I grasped the young harlot by the ankles and wrestled her out from under the writing bureau, and my word she was stunning.

TWF: How so? Could you describe her hair, facial appearance, anything?

Jeeves: Oh, she had the most beautiful smile. You remember how Ayn always used to purse her lips into that ghoulish half grin that made her sexual nature seem quite androgynous? Yes, it was exactly one of those perversely arousing vile stares which made me go limp at the knees upon turning her over, after liberating her from her hiding place.

TWF: Wow, just wow.

Jeeves: ‘Twas at this point that Ron came bursting through the door proclaiming that he had forgotten his speech. Oh, Ron had spent the entire evening composing a brilliant manifesto which clearly implicated the UN Secretary General as a Statist pig whose true aims were to turn the entire modern world into a collectivist commune. It was a harrowing read if I do say so myself.

TWF: So what did Ron say?

Jeeves: Well I did look down at my feet most ashamedly, but Master Ron put his hand on my shoulder and whispered into my ear, ‘Jeeves, you now know my secret, and it is out of the love for a true friend that I am going to give you until the count of ten before I release the hounds’… That was the last time we spoke, and I think it’s the last time we ever will.

By Goldi Longfellow

You May Also Like…

Posted by SBrady
on Sep 21 2011. Filed under Election 2012.
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0.
You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.

The Washington Fancy is a political satire publication that parodies the news and composes fictitious articles. No composition should be regarded as truthful, and no reference of an individual seeks to inflict malice or emotional harm.