In Doom we trust

Published October 16, 2008 by Benjamin Tseng

With all the discussion about who would make a better President, Barack Obama or John McCain, one obvious candidate has been ignored — one who rises above them all. Who is this dark horse candidate who has proven himself to be the most deserving of the title of Commander-in-Chief? I’m speaking of none other than Victor von Doom — the one they call Dr. Doom.

What qualifications does he have?

Experience – McCain likes to tout his experience in politics, pointing to critical pieces of legislation which he’s been instrumental in writing and passing. Obama, on the other hand, points to his former life as a community organizer, helping to drive grassroots level change as an important type of experience for a leader. But, honestly, how many of them have actually taken a war-torn, starving third-world country like Latveria and, through sheer ingenuity and force of will, turned it into a peaceful, prosperous, and one of the most technologically advanced nations in the world? None but Dr. Doom. Advantage: Doom.

Strength in the face of adversity – McCain has the obvious upper hand here — a POW who survived brutal torture in an enemy prison camp. Yet, that pales in comparison to the trials and tribulations of Doom. McCain may talk about how being in a Viet Cong prison was like hell. Doom was actually cast into Hell and yet he still managed to claw his way out through nothing but tenacity and intellect, despite his mortal enemies attempting to trap him there. Advantage: Doom.

Technology – Many have proclaimed Obama to be a true technological pioneer, embracing social networking and iPhone applications to spread his message of hope. Pathetic. Victor von Doom is an expert in every known technological field and science — having invented a time machine, a device which can control mutant/metahuman powers, forcefields, and portals to other dimensions. Obama and McCain talk about researching new alternative energy technology. Bah! Doom can give every worthy citizen a garbage-powered jetpack. Advantage: Doom

Terrorism – Much has been made about the Bush administration’s inability to capture Osama bin Laden and about the Democratic Party’s supposed inability to face terrorist threats. These are all mere side issues. No terrorist would dare attack a country run by Victor von Doom, for there is no place in the universe that is out of the reach of Doom. Doom has traversed the cosmos, traveled through time to even conduct an affair with the sorceress Morgaine le Fay, and has even descended into the pits of Hell. Suicide bombers? Inconsequential — for no suicide bomber would dare attack when the risk of failure would be a visit to Doom’s “re-education” chambers. McCain and Obama can talk all they want about military response, but Doom is the only one with the teeth and the record of hunting down all offenders. Advantage: Doom

Law Enforcement – Obama may talk about his experiences in the rough side of Chicago as giving him authority to discuss law enforcement and crime, but I dare say — who can administer civil justice better than Doom? There is no crime in Latveria, and there aren’t even superheroes to help maintain that order. All is simply maintained out of the citizenry’s love and … respect — yes that would be the best word to describe the bone-chilling paralysis that the citizenry feel in Doom’s presence — for Doom. Contrast that to most inner-cities, where there is no respect, let alone love, for the law. Advantage: Doom

Secret Service – Obama may be an athlete and McCain may be a good ol’ fashioned tough guy, but only Doom can dispense with the need for the public to worry about assassination attempts. Not only would terrorists and criminals be completely dissuaded of attacking one such as Doom, if they were to try, they would certainly fail. Doom’s armor is made from some of the most sophisticated technology, allowing him to stand in physical combat against beings such as the Hulk and even demons from Hell. Even if an attack were sufficiently strong to defeat Doom’s armor, one must always be wary of the fact that Dr. Doom uses Doombots — perfect robotic copies of himself such that the real Victor von Doom is never truly threatened. Advantage: Doom

Surely, at this point, there is no doubt in your mind who is the most competent and qualified man of the hour. So this November, go to the ballot and cast your vote for the one man who can bring America to greatness. And may Doom bless you all.