STORMING THE PALACE

Having no experience whatsoever in the field of sending unfunny digital communiques riddled with lazy stereotypes on a regular basis, the Fiver doesn’t know what to make of today’s big news regarding former Cardiff City manager Malky Mackay and his former head of recruitment Iain Moody. A good PR man might try to put a positive spin on those text messages alleged to have been exchanged between the pair by arguing that, if nothing else, they appear to have been equal-opportunity bigots. Their bewildering contempt for pretty much everyone across the board is apparently so eclectic that even gay snakes came in for criticism, while the one person to emerge with any credit from this sorry tale is Cardiff City owner Vincent Tan, who it seems is every bit the high-trousered, glove-wearing evil genius most likened him to in jest upon his arrival at Cardiff.

While Mackay and Moody have yet to volunteer public defences the Fiver hopes will be slightly more nuanced than pleas of “Bantz!”, Tan has ensured the former will not now be considered for the vacant Crystal Palace manager’s job he was set to be given, while the latter has resigned as sporting director at Selhurst Park with immediate effect. The pair are now being investigated by the FA for alleged misconduct relating to their texts, while a number of transfers that took place during Mackay’s time at Cardiff are also being scrutinised, presumably for evidence of shenanigans and skulduggery.

Meanwhile at Kick It Out HQ, in one of those Fiver paragraphs that isn’t exactly ripe for giggles [‘one of those paragraphs’? – Fiver Ed], the head of English football’s anti-discrimination watchdog Lord Ouseley has said the revelations “are further confirmation of how football is tainted with racism, $exism, homophobia and antisemitism, and the culture which continues to exist throughout the game and wider society as a whole. The reality is that these views are most dangerously held by those people in positions of power, and the football establishment knows and condones it.”

So where does this leave Palace? Managerless and sporting director-less, with the club having released a statement saying “there will be no further comment from the club” on the brouhaha surrounding Moody. With Glenn Hoddle having turned down the manager’s gig and Tim Sherwood – hotly tipped to get the job as recently as Tuesday – apparently reluctant to take it unless he can bring in his coaching team, Steve Clarke, Martin Jol and Chris Hughton are the new same old names being touted as potential candidates to step off the managerial merry-go-round. In the meantime, caretaker Keith Millen will continue to oversee first-team affairs when Palace enjoy some respite from all this madness, with an actual game of football against West Ham on Saturday.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“I dropped him off at his flat a couple of weeks ago and he asked me to go to the shop to get him some cigarettes. When I got back, I was invited in and we had a good chat about various things. I gave him the cigarettes and pulled out the signing-on form at the same time. He signed it there and then. I was chuffed to bits and ran to the car as fast as I could. I was skipping like a 14-year-old. I texted some of the other lads and told them I had a real scoop of a signing” – Chris Foster, manager of Bournemouth Sunday League Division Four side Abbey, says he has secured the signing of … Paul Gascoigne.

A BIGGER PLUG THAN THE ONE FROM THE BFG’S BATH

FIVER LETTERS

“Re: former Stockport County player and ‘psychic-medium’ Derek Acorah (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). I googled him, because I’m at work and have nothing better to do, and it states that in March 2014, he was ‘banned from driving following a car crash’ and ‘admitted failing to provide a breath test’. Now, any psychic-medium worth their tour entrance fee should have seen that coming, surely?” – Daniel Rice.

“I’m sure I’m not the only person to have been moved deeply by Mr Demetriou’s plight with Tottenham’s training-ground aroma (yesterday’s Quote of the Day), but is he sure that it’s the 200 tonnes of grass cuttings that is causing the stench and making his 11-year old physically sick? As the old line goes, there is hundreds of million pounds of manure running around on the field those cuttings came from. Surely that is a more likely source of the fetid aroma” – David Price (and no others).

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BITS AND BOBS

Liverpool boss Brendan Rodgers may have found a like-for-like replacement in the problematic role of problematic striker, with a £16m move for Mario Balotelli. “Today is my last day at Milan,” cheered the Italy forward.

Mr Roy has praised Chelsea loan-pawn Josh McEachran for his latest temporary switch to Vitesse Arnhem. “It is not my job to tell players what to do,” declared the England boss, before doing just the opposite. “It wouldn’t hurt them at all to go abroad.”

Rumours of Chelsea conjuring a swap deal involving Fernando Torres and Roma’s Mattia Destro have been scotched by the Italian’s Mr 15%. “It’s true that Chelsea are interested in Mattia,” teased Renzo Contratto. “But the reports regarding a swap deal have no foundation, it’s all speculation.”

Arsène Wenger is about to get crafty in the transfer window should Mikel Arteta’s knack be serious. “We will be a bit short of course. If it is long-term, that puts us in a position where we have to be creative,” he Kim Kallstromed.

Hull City have made an offer for Blackeye Rovers striker Jordan Rhodes.