The Longest but most worthwhile journey is from your head into your heart.

Our heart is a mechanical pump that pumps oxygenated blood & nutrients through the body in order to keep us alive. How can it be a tool for relationship?

Energetically, intuitively, psychologically and emotionally it is a whole other organ. It’s seen as the centre of love, courage, wisdom, gratitude, forgiveness, the union of the inner masculine and feminine with its own unique brand of intelligence and communication and id powerful beyond measure. This more typically eastern way of viewing the heart is today being backed up by western science through studies done by the HeartMath Institute amongst others who say that ‘Heart intelligence underlies cellular organization and guides and evolves organisms toward increased order, awareness and coherence of their bodies’ systems’ www.heartmath.org/FAQS.

We see the heart as an important part of creating inspired, magical relationship, whether you believe in it at this stage or not…

What is your relationship to your own heart?

Do you see it as mere mechanics or are you open to the possibility of it being something more?

Can you think of time when you felt or ‘knew’ something in your heart that helped you, or that you needed to listen to?

Your heart is a powerful tool in relationship because of its many different qualities. When we come up against the challenges of relating the mind can easily be overwhelmed and go into a defensive stance where everything that comes next is about maintaining your position, rather than being authentic and staying connected.

We have a tendency to ignore our heart

We do this for one of four reasons:

We haven’t connected with it in this ‘feeling’ way so we don’t believe in listening to it.
2. It takes a moment or two of dropping our ‘story’ to hear what it has to say.
3. We often don’t like what it has to say, for the heart cuts through the bullshit of the Ego mind, the part of us conditioned to stay safe and look for approval, and gets to the ‘heart’ of matters.
3. Our heart is where we can carry our deepest emotional hurt and we’d rather avoid this than take the time to feel and heal it.

Are you willing to listen to what your heart has to say?

Done regularly, just this one simple practice of connecting to your heart will change your life. The more you listen to your heart the more it will speak to you. Its pain will lift and leave you open to new possibilities in life.

In the beginning it can be tricky to know what is truly your heart and what is your Ego’s needs masquerading as your heart. How do you tell the difference?

Head Talk

When your head is speaking there are more negative judgements and self justifications occurring amongst much analysing, overthinking and questioning, with an underlying need to be on top of, or in control of the situation. Head talk is driven by our internal programming, our belief systems, our memories and the self identity we’ve created with a greater focus on our limitations. There is more fear about what might go wrong.

Heart Talk

Whereas the heart is always open to possibilities and is ok with not knowing. Heart talk limitless, infinite and unrestricted. This doesn’t mean the heart tells you to ignore your fear, it goes beyond it to a place of deeper logic. The heart uses more simple language that may be about letting things be, letting them go or finding compassion, acceptance and understanding. Sometimes it might be about getting off your butt, holding a boundary or maintaining some tough love which is ultimately the best choice even though it might be a hard one to take. Heart outcomes are ultimately more satisfying and better for the whole, helping you break out of old ways of being.

This has been true for our own lives, starting off being a very nebulous concept our hearts have now become a rock solid part of our self understanding, and a pathway to connecting with each other and those around us. Whenever our minds are overly busy with unhelpful thoughts we know our thoughts are probably out of alignment with our inbuilt bullshit detector so we better take a moment to check in and listen…

Practice: Connect with your Heart

Take a moment now just to stop and feel your heart. Close your eyes, breathe deeply, begin with your ABC’s then focus your attention slightly to the left of the centre of your chest. Think of something that you appreciate in your life and feel that for a few moments. Notice what you physically can feel there? Is your heart open, closed, full, warm, heavy, light or blank? Whatever the feeling is just be with it exactly as it is for a few moments. Do this as often as you can to start building your relationship with your ‘energetic’ heart for the more you connect with it the more it will speak to you. Your heart doesn’t speak in words but in intuitive knowing’s- those things you just know, even though you might not understand how you know- it’s magic.

Practicing when you’re in a place of ease can help you access your heart’s intelligence more easily in a time of intimate challenge, to speak from wisdom rather than fear or resentment, creating connection rather than dissonance.

And remember a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

We keep saying it, and we will keep on saying it until it is heard-

Every man’s potential in sex is so much greater than he realises….

As men, our beliefs help create our reality in sex….

Men often hold the common belief that a woman’s sexuality is a mystical and secret garden difficult to comprehend, let alone master.

Yet, when viewing their own sexuality, men tend to believe the opposite is true about themselves, that sex for them is simple, reliable and straightforward.

Believe it or not, having these beliefs is actually limiting your sexual satisfaction.
Learning these Skills is simple, as Oztantra specialises in relationships and sexuality and these skills are introduced in all our workshops, retreats and sessions, both face to face and via skype or other medium.

Other common beliefs about differences in men and women in sex are:

Women require time to warm up, to be in the mood and be ready.

Men are constantly in the mood and ready for action.

Women look for emotional connection, safety and presence.

Men only need visual and physical connection.

Women need romance, foreplay and heart connection.

Men only need a time and a place.

Like most common beliefs there are grains of truth in them.

But have these basic differences in the bedroom become something else, a more serious imbalance?

And is this imbalance the result of men having a very limited view of their own sexuality?

Yet men are naturally multi orgasmic, and that ejaculation and orgasm are two seperate functions and understanding this is the beginning of being able to achieve this for yourself

What if 6 minutes was just a beginning?

When reading about Tantric sexuality, it is easy to gain the impression that men can achieve and experience much more in their sexual pleasure than the average of 6 minutes.

If this is correct, then why does such a huge disparity still exist between what is actually happening for men in sex and what is possible for them?

This disparity can also be applied to women and their sexuality.

But in many ways women have made more significant moves forward over the last few decades with the discovery and claiming of their pleasure spots and sexual needs.

In our work with couples, particularly in dealing with men and their sexual issues, we firmly believe that most men only achieve around 10% of their capacity for pleasure from their sexuality.

The Crockpot and The Microwave

It is frustrating and demeaning when men are “sucked” into believing the sexual stereo type that women are like crockpots in sex.

Let them simmer away all day and by night they’re juicy and tender, where men are like a microwave- stick it in hard and fast and a few minutes later beep, beep, beep he’s done.

It’s not you, it’s your conditioning…

For a boy, this belief and the conditioning that supports it starts very early in his life.

Boys are generally being hugged less than girls and influenced not to be an emotional ‘pussy’, boys are told to be tough and not express their feelings. Physical contact is only through rough play and use of his intellect is encouraged.

When these boys start discovering their sexuality through masturbation (self pleasuring) they’re most often afraid to feel and instead, tend to get it up and over and done with as quick as they can, going straight for the good bit at the end before they get caught.

As a boy matures, this trend continues, getting it up and over and done with before his lover changes her mind, or before the kids wake up.

And when middle age kicks in, men get it up and done with before collapsing into sleep, their lover losing interest or them losing their erection.

This addictive habit of going hard for the end result from the very beginning has,without a man’s awareness, numbed feeling in his penis (lingam), limiting his ability to feel what he’s capable of during sex.

Uh Oh…Oops!

Unhealthy self pleasuring later creates problems for men in relationships,because of what they’ve conditioned themselves, most often from a shame place.

This often works against them in lovemaking with their partner as they get older.

During lovemaking, real pleasure comes from him having more sensitivity rather than less, having more full bodied rather than just lingam focused experiences and taking his time rather than rushing to the end.

Getting it over and done with is a habit that is very difficult to turn around as frequent ejaculation for the sake of ejaculation easily becomes a very tough habit to break.

Regularly we see middle aged men (or their partner’s) lose interest in sex because they don’t recognise or can’t get past this issue.

Moving Beyond What You Know

At this point it is important to understand that for men, ejaculation and orgasm are two very separate functions.

Because they usually occur at the same time it’s easy to see why men believe they’re the same thing.

Women ejaculate separately from orgasm and their experience is very different.

Genital ejaculation for a man feels good and is its own pleasurable experience, but still falls a long way short of the full body multiple orgasmic pleasure he is capable of.

Quick and frequent ejaculation is enough to keep the 10% group interested in sex but talking to men who are caught up and locked into this old habit we hear they suspect there is more possible.

They might look longingly at their frequently orgasming partners and simply not know how to discover this for themselves.

Combining this lack of knowledge with the numbness developed from harsh self pleasuring techniques and limited emotional connection has left men with a real problem.

Learning From Your Opposite

This is where both men and women can learn from the differences in their physical and sexual make up, differences that support sexual attraction, desire and pleasure.

During sensual massage, women appreciate and respond to heart connected touch that begins energizing her from her extremities.

This is not just her being precious, it’s how her body actually works.

Starting with having her hair stroked, the back of her neck, her arms, hands, butt, legs and toes touch is slowly brought via her breasts, belly and inner thighs to her sex centre, her genitals.

Imagine she is wearing a bikini and during the massage, resist touching her covered area’s until the final stages (even if she is begging….!!!).

You can tease and maybe lightly brush, but don’t directly touch here until the last stages.

This takes her sexual energy from her outside to her inside, waking up her sexual energy through her whole body and bringing it to her sex centre.

With a man it’s the opposite.

Sensual massage starts his sexual energy from his genitals, his sex centre, waking it up here first then spreading it throughout his whole body.

Men are able to create extremely intense pleasurable sex energy very quickly from their genitals and when they choose from habit to keep it there and ejaculate quickly this energy is lost, expended.

Helping him choose instead to circulate and breathe this energy through his body will open him up to a whole new world of pleasure.

You can do this with a massage that focus’s directly on waking up his sexual energy with immediate lingam touch.

This helps get and keep keep his attention inside his body. Encouraging him to breathe deeply helps him to relax, open and expand.

Once his pleasure begins to arise use your hands (one at a time with one always remaining on his lingam) to touch and awaken the rest of his body. Move outward from his lingam to the rest of his genitals, his belly, thighs, chest, arms, legs, neck, fingers and toes.

Encouraging him to continue breathing deeply and imagine his energy circulating throughout his body is a simple yet powerful beginning in discovery of full body pleasure.

It’s Not About Performing…

It takes only awareness and connection to wake up a man’s sexual energy, to begin to circulate it through his whole body, creating full body pleasure, and with practice, full body orgasm and multiple orgasm.

Any man who desires achieving this for himself, must firstly be willing to let go of performing and focus more on relaxing and feeling, particularly with an open heart.

An open masculine heart is a powerful container in any relationship and requires focus, awareness and vulnerability.

The rewards are many and you can’t fail here, just having a go is huge.

Very few men have achieved this for themselves or with their partner, yet more are learning.

It is a simple win, win process, it does take a willingness to go there, to believe that you are more than your conditioning.

Knowing this is possible is a start.

Be Prepared…

Going into this place for any man will unlock his emotional self, open his heart and create a heart sexual connection that is life changing.

In this space, both be prepared for emotional rawness, softness and depth that either of you most likely haven’t experienced before.

In this place of self discovery, men will learn that they are capable of so much more, and that their variety of orgasmic experiences is unlimited.

Bringing sensitivity and awareness back into his lingam also means re learning how to be with himself, as it will be excitingly different.

The heightened sensitivity is an amazing experience, but takes practice and good communication with your partner.

Aaah!!

Imagine, making love and his lingam is alive, energized and feeling.

A lingam that can really feel inside his lover and is fully activated and alive.

A lingam that can bring this energy to clitoris, Gspot, cervix, prostate and all the other pleasure spots inside us, bringing us alive with love and connection.

Yes, man is different from woman in sex. He is also different from whom he’s been conditioned to be.

He is capable of so much more and it begins with awareness of his potential, a willingness to explore and an unwillingness to settle for anything less.

Are You The Rescuer in Your Relationship?

Rescuing can be exhausting.

If you’re The Rescuer in your relationship you’ll be the one who is always ‘working at it’, finding it constantly drawing your time, energy and attention. You’ll also have the feeling your efforts are not recognized or validated by your significant other. The problem in playing the role of The Rescuer, as with any role, is that it traps you into being one dimensional and inauthentic as you’re not free to be really ‘you’. It means you’re avoiding something in yourself you don’t want to see or own, but this keeps you disempowered. It also means you’re putting your attention on one end of the see saw, keeping your relationship out of balance.

Take a few moments to check out whether you might be in ‘Rescuer mode’ in your relationship.

You tolerate your partner’s unhealthy behaviours for the ‘good’ of the relationship, saying things like “It’s ok for you to regularly bring your mates home at the last minute without letting me know, expecting me to provide a meal for them.”

You find excuses for your partner’s perceived inability to contribute to the relationship, to be there for you, or in fact be there for themselves. You hear yourself saying “It’s OK, She hasn’t been well (when really she’s been lazy), or He’s been working too hard (when really he’s being emotionally unavailable).”

It may extend to you becoming their enabler, doing for them what they refuse to do for themselves, from looking after their health, taking responsibility for their sexual pleasure to paying all their bills and sorting out arguments with the children.

You find yourself not doing things for yourself like taking up yoga or having a night out for yourself because it might challenge the relationship.

You feel resentful, guilty or fearful much of time when not helping.

Or you don’t feel at all, as helping your partner in their suffering allows you to avoid your own.

You have an over active sense of responsibility, a need to do the ‘right’ thing, that feels like you being in your integrity, but unconsciously slides into self righteousness. Self righteousness where you believe you’re the only one with the answers, leading you to treat your partner’s needs and ideas with disdain.

In your Rescuer’s tunnel vision you may not see what your partner actually does put in to benefit the relationship.

Rescuing may be the only way you can feel connected to an otherwise self absorbed partner ie. Providing them with a cup of tea, a sensual massage or bathing the kids just to get their attention.

You find it difficult to let go of the power rescuing gives you and be vulnerable in yourself.

You find receiving difficult and put emotional walls up to block the possibility, as receiving leaves you feeling out of control.

You might even feel deep down you don’t have the right to be who you are or ask for what you want in the relationship.

You avoid any discussions of where you are at in your relationship thinking you are protecting your partner.

You may begin to resent, or even hate yourself as your efforts are unseen, unappreciated or resisted by your partner. Over time this self hatred becomes too much to bear and spills over onto your partner…

Why causes The Rescuer to show up?

Becoming The Rescuer could have developed over the course of your relationship simply as a result of you trying to address the genuine challenges within it and it became a habit. You may rescue your partner from a fear of losing the relationship, from your belief that if you don’t do it, it won’t happen. Rescuing can develop from guilt at your past behaviour ie. The night you got drunk and slept with your partner’s best friend.

At its deepest level you may be acting out unconscious roles adopted in your childhood. Perhaps being the rescuer fulfilled your idea of being a good Christian, a caring person. It may have met the needs of those around you unwilling to be responsible for themselves, people whose favourite saying was “I can’t”. Being the “capable one” gave you a sense of your own power and self worth.

You cannot “fix” another

The biggest gift you can give yourself is to recognize that being The Rescuer is not doing you, or your relationship any good. The biggest challenge is to realize that the only one who can help your partner is themselves and rescuing them takes away their own momentum. A person will either do, or not do something based on their own choices and belief systems. We can suggest, encourage, even push but ultimately what another person chooses is up to them. So goes the old saying “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink!”. See what happens to them if you refuse to rescue. And if what they choose to do is to have that extra drink, not exercise, over indulge in porn, ignore you or your relationship you cannot control that.

It’s easy to forget in relationship the only one we can control is ourselves, the tantalizing game of “if I do this then you should do that” is a destructive cycle. It’s one we benefit from saving ourselves from its empty promises.

Instead, as The Rescuer, it’s time to focus on yourself.

See what happens in yourself when you acknowledge that you absolutely cannot save your partner from themselves. Not even to get what you so might want for yourself. Often the feeling is one of powerlessness. This is appropriate as you are powerless to fix another.

Acknowledge the powerlessness you feel in dropping The Rescuer role, see feeling this as the way of coming home to your real self.

Claim your true power by exploring what you’ve been overlooking or avoiding in yourself whilst you focussed on your partner and your relationship. Find creative and loving ways to fill the spaces in you.

Give your partner the gift of seeing them more clearly without the one dimensional lens of your need to rescue, you might be surprised at what you find. Let them see themselves more clearly, even if they don’t like it.

Value yourself enough to feel your own feelings, acknowledge your own thoughts and desires, express you real opinions, allow yourself to be vulnerable and to receive. Allow yourself to be your real YOU.