identity

The attending called me “honey” while explaining a difficult step in a complex operation. He apologized immediately, and we ignored it. That was after he said I was doing a good job.

Now, I’m upset, not because I think it was sexual harassment, but because it’s plain that I have failed to behave maturely enough and professionally enough to earn respect from my attendings. The hardbitten senior female residents would not get called “honey.” The idea is hilariously incongruous.

I don’t want to be as tough as they are, but I certainly don’t want to be regarded as a child by the men whom I need to teach me. Perhaps I need to give up on the first wish. I speak as definitely as I can, and keep my voice as flat as possible. Not helping, I guess. I really ought to cut my hair, but I refuse to do that; it’s one of the last pieces of my identity from before surgery. All the really hardcore surgery women have their hair chopped quite short. At first I took comfort from the residents who kept their hair longer, but now I realize that those are the ones who, because of the personalities and career goals that go with keeping feminine hair, are not much respected either.

Trauma rotation, as the senior resident, later this year, should be interesting. I will either break down completely, or I will learn to stay on top of a mountain of acute information without appearing – not flustered, but excited. Perhaps that’s the element I’m missing. I guess it’s childish to be visibly excited about a dramatic problem, or visibly concerned about a patient deteriorating regardless of all efforts. I need now, not just to keep my face still, but to keep entirely still. Resolved, not to walk around while thinking. . .

Advertisements

Like this:

LikeLoading...

Related

6 Responses to “identity”

Don’t cut your hair. It’s just the culture of your program. One of the most impressive and well- respected chiefs at my old ( very academically oriented) program had waist-length blond hair, and long hair was common there among the female residents.

It’s common here as well. Just be yourself. If your good ( which I’m sure you are) their idea of what a “good” surgeon should look like will adjust to encompass your personal style. Converesely, it probobly won’t help you to cut your hair, if you aren’t fundamentally a good resident already.

Just be yourself! Earning the “respect” of your attendings is NOT worth losing respect for yourself. If your attendings base their opinion of you on your feminine appearance (perceived weakness?), it’s not worth worrying about their opinion anyway. Just keep learning and prove yourself by your work.

Know where you’re comin from Girlfriend! I remember this creepy attending who called me “Sweet Britches”, Oh did I tell you I’m a guy???…Everytime I smell surgilube I get PTSD flashbacks…
And don’t be afraid to CUT THAT HAIR! Remember how hot Helen Slater was in “The Legend of Billi Jean”??…
Umm you probably don’t cause you’re not almost 50…
And wanta make an impression? Wear 4 inch stilletoes like some of the OB attendings do…

Even if your attendings don’t respect you as much for showing obvious concern for your patients and actually experiencing human emotions, on down the road your patients will be much appreciative. Hang in there and don’t cut your hair!!!

I’d far rather have a female doctor that has long hair and shows genuine concern for me, than a female doctor with regulation short hair who is cold and impersonal. Don’t cut your hair and don’t change who you are!