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Tuesday, 6 June 2006

purpose ..

Juz sat for the Summatives 2 of Foundation 2 yesterday. More than a month of lectures, weeks of revision, for a slightly more than one hour paper. And everything, all the days i have to confine myself to my room, all the hours i had to spend staring at my lecture notes, ended with the paper. At least, weren't they supposed to?

24 hours on after the exams, and i finally felt the pressure of being a medical student. Not that i'm stressed, just that .. the end seems so far. Almost 10 months, and all we've covered are the foundation. Basics. Noobs knowledge. Foundation 2 ended as of yesterday, and right on after that we'll begin our system courses. No rest, no break. And they say we are having it easier than our seniors. Sigh.

Sometimes i do wonder if i can ever stand all this. All this endless lectures.. all this continuous studying .. all this non-stop learning. Sometimes i needed a break so much i felt like skipping the lectures.. the PBLs.. whatever i can skip. Everytime i look for an end to all this, i see nothing. The finishing line is so far beyond the horizon, i just felt like collapsing on the spot and let everything pass me by. Wasn't this the path i chose? Didn't i say i want to become a doctor?

.. become a doctor. I wonder if i really did want to become a doctor. Guess this doubts in me will never cease. Life as a doctor seems so .. noble. So highly regarded by society. So envied by those who didn't have the chance to be one. Yet, being noble is nowhere near my goals in life. I don't want fame, i don't want a reputation either. I don't like having attention on me. If i were to treat a patient anonymously, i'd gladly do so. With a smile.

There comes a time when we look for our purpose in life, right? Some found it in their work, some in their religion, some in their loved ones. For me, 20 years walking on this earth still got me wondering why am I here. I don't meant that in a religious manner.. just that, we need a reason to live, don't we? Something we live for, something we wake up everyday knowing we're still here for. Guess that's why all of a sudden i got this interest in everything. Yeah, everything.

Like, teaching. Patrick made an announcement bout some volunteer teaching at some orphanage. Again, i had that feeling. That feeling of really really wanting to sign up for it. I don't know why. Maybe i just want to try out something new. Maybe i wanted to volunteer, to contribute to society. Maybe i'm looking for it. My purpose.

Anyway, from today onwards, life will be really busy for me now. Weekdays, gonna have clinic visits and CSU sessions in the morning, lectures in the afternoon, and ECA activities in the evening. And still i signed up to have my Saturdays spent teaching. Haha.. i whine bout how busy i am and yet i keep getting myself busier. Sometimes it's so hard to understand myself. *shrug*