If I broke up with him, why am I so sad?

I ended my almost 4 year relationship earlier this week and I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the pain and sadness.

We're not young (early 40's) and both really felt like this was "it". We had a lot in common, fell in love hard, and moved in together about a year into the relationship. He had been struggling with finding work that was fulfilling and would pay the bills, and as a result started having major financial problems. He turned into a depressed and angry person, and started lashing out at me. We were fighting all time. He stopped wanting to be intimate. The list goes on and on. I really did my best to stand by him and support him. I love(d) him and wanted to help him get through the situation he was in. We went to couples counseling, I tried helping him with his job search, I didn't complain when we stayed home night after night just watching movies rather than going on dates like other couples.

The problem is that this never ended. It never got better. The situation never changed. In fact, it got worse. He got more and more depressed (and yes, he has seen a doctor this whole time to help with that) and I started feeling like crap. My self esteem plummeted and I stopped getting enjoyment out of life. I had friends and other interests, but I wanted this relationship to work so badly that it started to kill me that no matter what I did, I could not change the situation my boyfriend was in.

A couple of months ago, I started having trouble sleeping and having anxiety dreams about my future with this man. Instead of being excited about what lied ahead, I was filled with hopelessness and a sense a dread for what my life would be like if I stayed. I have thought about breaking up with him for over a year, but just could not bring myself to do it because I love him so incredibly much. Last weekend after months of fighting and both of us starting to resent one another, I went out of town to visit some friends. I had such a great weekend and was smiling and laughing the whole time. I felt like myself and felt alive for the first time in about 2 years. It was a major wake up call to me and made me realize that I needed to end things with my boyfriend when I got back. I broke up with him the day I after I got back home and he showed little emotion and said he understood. I have been super emotional, crying and sad all week. I definitely feel like I'm grieving. But I know this is what I have to do for myself. I realize that the only person responsible for my happiness and how my life turns out, is me. So, if I know all of this, why am I so sad? I really feel like he broke up with me. He finally broke down yesterday and showed some emotion. He is really upset and has been trying to convince me that we can work through this and things can get better. I've explained to him that this is the best thing for us right now because we have been miserable and our relationship right now, does not work. I honestly don't know what lies ahead for us. I am not completely closed to the idea of trying again with him some day if his situation changes, but in my heart of hearts I know that it would be best for me to move on, be alone for a while, and then try dating other people to find someone I can build a life with.

I don't know why I'm here. I guess I just don't know how to deal with how I'm feeling and I'm looking for some words of wisdom. I love this man with all my heart, but this break up is the only and the best option for us. I'm just so sad and the thought of not having him in my life anymore hurts so much. If I did the right thing, why is it so painful?

Letting go hurts. Loss leads to grief. Change can feel scary and uncomfortable. You wanted so badly for things to work out, and you did your very best (be proud of that and for supporting him for so long!). He was the one with the power to change the dynamic of the relationship, but he couldn't get out of his depression and pulled you down along with him. In a way, he let you down. Sometimes we confuse that with them not loving us enough, so that's also painful. He can't give you what you need, so kudos to you for realizing that and making that very, very tough decision to find happiness in your life on your own. *hugs* You are not alone. One day your life will be filled with so much happiness, you'll wonder how you let yourself stay miserable for so long, and you'll be glad you got out.

I believe that the pain of staying IN that relationship far outweighs the pain of leaving it.

Your answer is in your last paragraph Despite the horrible situation you love him. And now you don't have him in your life. Why wouldn't you be hurt? Sometimes circumstances overtake us and we have to make decisions in our best interest. Just because they are in our long term best interest doesn't mean they can be painless and matter of fact. The benefits of your decision will not be felt for a while. Instead your are stuck with the shorter term heart break and longing.

Sometimes no matter how hard we try and how much effort we put in...sadly it just doesn't work out. The pressures of all the other stuff going on in life can sabotage any relationship. I too have just walked away after 7 years of constantly trying to make something work. Yes it hurts like hell and I literally feel ill, my IBS has flared up and to be honest I question if it would have been easier to just stay in the relationship. But deep down I know it was time to go, you know when it is time and dragging it out only makes it worse. The good news for you is he may get his act together now and after a while who knows. But you must just heal yourself and take your time. Don't rush into dating as it can be a disaster, believe me I know that one!

Just enjoy being able to do what you want when you want and enjoy the little things in life. I know its lonely...believe me I know that one! But I have gone backwards and forwards with my relationship so many times and things never change. All that happens is my heart keeps getting bruised each time we split...So this is it! Don't go back to exactly the same situation because nothing is solved, like I say it could be the kick in the pants he needs and if not well you will get through and you will get over it.