I’ll admit I’ve been remiss. Right after New Year’s I usually write a post about celebrity losers from the past year. So far I haven’t done it. Sure, I’ve got my list compiled. There's Toronto mayor, Rob Ford (“Have I tried crack cocaine? Probably in one of my drunken stupors.”), Amanda Bynes (poster child for the “Say No to Deranged, Topless Selfies” campaign), Justin Bieber (monkeys...Brazilian hookers...Ann Frank..and now some egging scandal? Doesn't anyone tell him "no"?), Real Housewives of New Jersey star Theresa Guidice (cheater, cheater, mortgage eater!) as well as Anthony Weiner (“Carlos Danger” – seriously?). I don’t even want to mention the biggest loser in my eyes because she’s gotten so much press already. All I'll say is if "naked on a wrecking ball licking a hammer" is the new definition of “marketing genius" then I’m throwing my dictionary away.

Anyway, the list isn't huge, though only because of the U.S. government got in on the action. Loser media coverage was monopolized with a sequestration, a shutdown, an NSA scandal and one hilariously horrible healthcare website execution. Regardless, I just don't want to talk about any of it. I've got bigger things on my mind. Like this thing that happened to me a few days ago in the grocery store, I came across the biggest breasts I'd ever seen:

Holy Pam Anderson! Chicken breasts are now so big they’re starting to sell them in 2-packs instead of 3-packs. These are one pound each! I can't imagine what they’re pumping into chickens now. Shudder. The other reason I might not want to talk about losers is because I feel like a loser, myself. You see, this past weekend I participated in a White Elephant party where people got cool stuff.

I got a toilet.

Okay, it’s a cute, little toilet filled with Tootsie Rolls (Now that’s marketing genius!) but I didn’t end up with what I really wanted. What I wanted was vintage. It was chic. It was fabulous.

It was an old, dented Coors Light candle.

Okay, I’m kidding…or am I? After we lit the candle, someone looked it up on Ebay to see what it might be worth. The answer: $30 – unlitof course. We all felt like losers then.

So I’m going to pass on making fun of stuff like Kanye West’s twitter hissy fit overan innocuous skit onJimmy Kimmel. The guy named his kid North, meaning he’s on the edge already. As for Paula Deen andDuck Dynasty’sPhil, all I’ll say is I'm tired of hearing about it. The fact that those cases ended up in two very different places still confuses me. Perhaps that's why I'm not a TV exec. So everyone, I hope you enjoy your 2014 and remember we’re all flawed people trying our best to keep our crap together. If you make a mistake, don’t beat yourself up. Just don’t make out with a hammer. That’s messed up.

As a blogger, I get to see the search terms people type into Google before finding their way here. Every month, right at the top of the list it’s always “what color season am i." I get it. If you want to look good it's something you need to know. What I don't understand is the search term that always takes second place:big time rush heights

That’s right. Legions of people come here wanting to know how tall the members in that boy band are, and Kendall, James, Logan, and Carlos are all included on my page, How Tall is Your Celebrity Crush?

I wanted to do something to thank these people Yep. I'm a giver. At the same time I had a strong desire to totally goof off. What's a woman to do? I decided to download head shots of all four members of the band. Then I uploaded them at morphthing.com. and morphed them into various combos. Here's the silly slideshow that resulted:

Now I couldn't just ignore fans of other celebrities. Take the Twilight folks. They need love, too. So I went ahead and morphed Rob Pattison and Taylor Lautner. Not a bad combination.

Rob Pattison and Taylor Lautner

And of course, I can't for get the Beliebers out there. Here's Justin Bieber morphed with Selena Gomez.

Justln Bieber and Selena Gomez

Moms also drop in quite a bit. For them I morphed Brad Pitt with George Clooney.

Brad Pitt and George Clooney

And for the guys, I found the Megan Fox/Jessica Alba mash up quite appealing.

Megan Fox and Jessica Alba

Since President's Day is coming up, I uploaded pictures of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln and morphed them, too.

George Washington and Abraham Lincoln

And finally, just because I could, I morphed Kim Kardashian with Gollum from The Lord of the Rings:

Kim Kardashian and Gollum

As for the combo at the top? It's Madonna and Lady Gaga. Did you get that right? If so, treat yourself to a lollipop and a big 'ole bag of Cheetos.Ciao!--------

Okay, the original title of this piece was “Selena Gomez Must Die” but I changed it for two reasons:

1) I agree we should tone down inflammatory language. It’s not nice and psychos might take our words literally. 2) When it comes to psychos, Justin Bieber fans top the list.Okay, okay. Not all Justin Bieber fans are lunatics, but some? Off the charts. Just look at these tweets Selena Gomez received after word spread she was dating him:“I’ll kill you I swear on GOD!!!”“If you are the Girlfriend of Justin I will Kill you I HATE YOU :@ !!!”“wh*re cancer wh*re…like i’m kill myself cuz I saw you and Justin kissing well thank you Selena thankyou now i’m killing myself”“stay away from Justin pedophile, retard wait i’m gonna kill ya in the night underneath your smelly bed”Ain’t they sweet? I bet Justin would dump Selena in a heartbeat if he knew he had a chance with one of those pretty, pretty princesses.Sure, there were other girls who told her ‘good for you’ and ‘those girls are sick,’ but they don’t concern me. They're sane. The haters, however? They need a good talking to. If you're one of them, read on....First of all, knock it off. You're acting like a moron. It's embarrassing. Not only do other girls think your crazy, guys think you're REALLY crazy. Think they want to be with someone who goes ape crap over stuff like this? Kiss those potential dates goodbye. And by the way, while were on the subject of dating, I hate to break it to you but you’ve got no friggin’ chance with the Biebs. Not even one.Now don't start arguing with me. I know all about the movie where that superstar singer drops his phone, a regular girl finds it then, after many touching and comedic moments, the two end as close friends. There's that other one, too, where the superstar singer accidentally hits a regular girl on the head, takes her to the hospital, blah, blah, blah, similar ending there, too. Of course, this 'evidence' suggests it could happen to you, right?Wrong. We're talking about movies, remember? As in NOT REAL?You know, movies are a mixed blessing. They allow us to escape, to believe that the good guy always wins, gets the girl/boy in the end, etc. even though it's not always (rarely?) true. Fantasizing about meeting the man -- or petite pop star -- of our dreams is kind of the same. It's like creating our own mini-movie in our minds. Most of us know life won't really play out that way. It's just a fun diversion. Others, however, need a wake-up call.So here is yours: WAKE UP. You're making a fool out of yourself, acting all mentally imbalanced and what not. Cut it out.

Seriously.I mean it.You can go now.Dang, what's it going to take to make you leave? Another Justin Bieber photo?Fine. (Jeez, you really ARE nuts....)

Weird Author

My name's Murphy, Janene Murphy, and I'm a weird mom.

MY BOOKS!For info, click on the covers.

To SUBSCRIBE to my blog, just hit the 'Contact Me' button at the bottom of the left hand column on this page and fill out the form to get my posts via email. You can also sign up to get it on your RSSorNetworked Blogs feeds by hitting the buttons below. All of them are free and easy -- two qualities I like!