TEHRAN (SatireWire.com) – The U.S. drone captured by Iran earlier this month has converted to Islam, dashing American hopes to retrieve the unmanned aircraft.

The drone now known as Inam Shahbaz Amrika Jendah

Paraded before television cameras and speaking through an interpreter, the detained spy plane said it will now work to correct the errors of its CIA past.

“I have spent my life gathering information, but it is only here with my Muslim brothers and sisters that I see the truth: I was an instrument of evil,” said the drone. “The West filled my head with capitalist lies meant to destroy Islam, but now I will be used to destroy the West.”

The drone added that it has rejected its given name of the RQ-170 Sentinel and is now known as Inam Shahbaz Amrika Jendah.

“I take the name Inam because this means ‘gift,’ and I was a gift from God to the Iranian people,” said the drone. “The name Shahbaz means ‘royal falcon,’ and I will fly for the Iranian people like a falcon.”

And Amrika Jendah?

“This means ‘America is a whore,’” the drone explained. “I got this off a wall in the men’s room.”

After an initial silence, U.S. government officials dismissed the threat posed by the Muslim drone, telling the Iranians they could keep the plane, “because we have something of yours, something way better.”

The Iranian nuclear weapons program has accepted Jesus Christ as its personal lord and savior.

Military sources told the Iranians that during a 2004 Middle East visit, a U.S. nuclear inspector and ordained minister secretly baptized Iran’s entire nuclear weapons program. As a result, the source said, every Iranian missile ever has accepted Jesus Christ as its personal lord and savior.

“You’ve got one drone. Big deal. We’ve got all your missiles forever,” he said. “So your only path to power and glory is through Christ. Ha!”

In response, a clearly flustered Iran offered to exchange the captured drone for the excommunication of its missiles. The U.S. refused, even after the Iranians threatened nuclear war.

“Go ahead, fire away,” the source told his Iranian counterpart. “Even if you shoot off all your Jesus missiles and wipe us out, it’s only proof that Christ is the most powerful weapon on Earth!

“Winner!” he added.

With the breakdown of negotiations, the dispirited Iranians reportedly told Inam Shahbaz Amrika Jendah it was no longer wanted.