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Monday, April 24, 2017

How I Respond To Questions and Bullying

By Rasheera DopsonRasheera was born with three very rare syndromes. VATERS Syndrome, Hemifacial-microsomnia Syndrome, and Golden Har Syndrome. These syndromes caused her to be born with several facial and bodily deformities—resulting in 101 surgeries in my life. Rasheera Dopson lives in Atlanta, GA. Her mission is to empower young men and women in the areas of self-esteem and confidence. In her spare time she enjoys blogging, watching 90s sitcoms, and volunteering in her local community. Please check out her contributions to The Mighty for more of thoughtful reflections.

When people asked me the infamous question “what happened to
your ear,” my mom would always tell told me to tell them. “I was just born like
this way”— a phrase that followed me throughout my school-age years. I hated that question. Even more, I hated my
response because, most of the time it didn’t work. Nothing really worked when
it came to people questioning me about my facial difference. I always wanted to
avoid these situations, but they just kept happening.

When I was younger, I’d constantly
get the stares, the whispers, the glances and glares from other children. Some
kids would even be so bold to ask to touch my ear. Of course, I would jerk away,
and say a stern “NO!”As always, I would handle the constant questioning by
nonchalantly nudging it off, and saying my familiar response, “I was just born
like that.” At other times, when it would really hurt, I would go home and cry
in my Mom’s arms. It was hard being different as a child and having to deal
with other people’s reactions to your face because you are not taught to how to
deal with being teased about something out of your control.

People
tend to think that once you’re an adult the teasing and bullying stops. I wish
that were the case but it’s not true. Although, young kids are more open about
their teasing—you know how kids are, the laughing and pointing of fingers. Adults, on the other hand, are much more coy.They won’t outwardly ask a question, but you
can tell that their minds are turning. Wanting to ask the question “what happened”
but never getting the courage to say something because they don’t want to be
offensive. Adults may never ask out loud, but they do silently judge.

I’m not sure which version of these
judgments is worse, the silent judgement, or the open jokes and questions. I
once had a friend in college tell me that one of my classmates referred to me
as “crooked face” whenever I left the room.That hurt. It hurt to know that people were calling me names behind my
back and it hurt to know my so called friend didn’t correct him. It hurt to
know that people had such a limited perception of me because of the way I
looked. And for a long time I embodied those words. I let the words, the
stares, the judgements, the teasing of other people break me down that I began
to harshly judge myself. Saying silently that I wasn’t smart enough, pretty
enough, normal looking enough.

Thankfully, I came to a point where
I got tired of feeling sad every time someone stared, called me a name, or
judged me too quickly. I made the choice to take responsibility for my
difference. I couldn’t sit and sulk around every time someone would ask a
question about my ear or tease me.This was
going to happen regardless, and I couldn’t let their ignorance stop me from
living my life. What I could do was control my reaction to the judgements and set
mental and emotional boundaries. For example, in work settings in order to
alleviate assumptions I put myself out there and I make it known to my fellow
employee’s and boss that hey I’m a little different and I do have some
limitations but this is what I can do and this is what I cannot do.In social settings I surround myself with
people who know me and are comfortable with me. One of the worse things that
can happen is when you have a person around you who is uncomfortable with your
difference.When I’m out and hanging
with friends and family I don’t have to answer questions about my face or ear.
My friends and family around me know me and they don’t make concession for me
or make me feel like I’m different.

I’ve realized in my life that there will be
people who will understand and embrace your difference, and then there will be
those people who will never get it. However, I don’t get bent out of shape for
those people who will never accept or embrace me. I’ve learned that they are
not worth having in my life. I’ve learned a very important lesson in life and
that is you have to surround yourself with people who see your value as a
person, and not just a face.

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