Thursday, January 9, 2014

If It Rains, Take The Bus. (Or Play Cards, Same Diff.)

Today's post must needs be brief-ish because none of your business, but I have seen the future of bicycle-cycling, and this is not it:

The music, on the other hand, has gnawed its way into my brain like termites through a "beefy" wooden bottom bracket junction:

I wonder if you can build a wooden bike with "Geared," the bicycle-building card game:

Seems to me that, if you and your friends are the sorts of terminal bike dorks who would play a game like this on a rainy day, you might as well pile up a bunch of spare parts and build an actual bike. At the very least, break out the arts and crafts supplies and build a sweet fixie out of popsicle sticks, pipe cleaners, and elbow macaroni.

Then again, I do see tremendous branding potential in a bike-building card game inasmuch as it lends itself very well to co-branding, especially with NAHBS coming up in a couple months. For example, just imagine how much fun it would be to play a Vanilla card came. That's right, now you can experience the thrill of ordering a custom bicycle from a company that's so popular they don't even want anything to do with you. You don't even need to leave your kitchen table to come away empty-handed!

As of June, 2011 the wait for a custom Vanilla is over five years.We will not be accepting any deposits in 2011, but we are keeping a list of interested parties. If you want to track progress on this matter, you can email us requesting to be added to the list, or just sign up for The Vanilla Journal, and get your updates there.

So wait, that was almost three years ago now. Does that mean the wait is down to two years, or it's gone up to eight years? Who knows? Either way, the Vanilla card game would be extremely inexpensive to produce, because all you'd need would be a single card that says, "We're not accepting deposits, now go buy a Speedwagen." Then you could just move on to "Candy Land: Portland Edition!"

(Candy Land: Portland Edition! is only available as a limited vinyl release from Kill Rock Stars.)

The cards say stuff like, "Oh no! You crashed trying to ride over the tram tracks! Move back five spaces," and the winner is the player who eventually saves up enough money to move to Brooklyn. ("Chutes and Ladders: Brooklyn Edition" sold separately.)

A Richard Sachs Cycles bike building card game would also be a lot of fun. Here's a typical playing card:

("Oooh, I got the 'atmo' card again!")

Not sure if you noticed, but he uses the phrase "atmo" a lot, much to the chagrin of his auto-correct.

Went healment-less so that I could have 2 layers of warm material covering my head and most of my face.

AYHSMHH

Even at 23-ish degrees still had to deal with one salmoner and one fuckstick in a safety vest on 6th ave. I had to pass him about 4 times because he kept rolling by me at red lights, cutting off walkers and drivers, then spinning what looked to be a 38x19 gear at barely 10 MPH.

The wooden bracket is beefy, but Greg Calfee, you idiot, why are you wasting time with bamboo, crabon fiber if the goal is to make the beefiest bottom bracket? I say, make it out of beef. None of that hand massaged kobe grass-fed shit, good 'ole tough as nails Canadian beef.

CIPO'S WELL-OILED SCRANUS! I know I'm missing the point, but that 'cross video looked like a good trail for a rigid mountain bike with at least 2.1" tires. Why anyone would want to ride something with skinny tires on it... (of course, they race MTB on tracks I wouldn't drive a jeep on).

I like big butts and I can not lieYou other brothers can't denyThat when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waistAnd a round thing in your faceYou get sprung, wanna pull out your tough'Cause you notice that butt was stuffedDeep in the jeans she's wearingI'm hooked and I can't stop staringOh baby, I wanna get with youAnd take your pictureMy homeboys tried to warn meBut that butt you got makes me so hornyOoh, Rump-o'-smooth-skinYou say you wanna get in my Benz?Well, use me, use me'Cause you ain't that average groupieI've seen them dancin'To hell with romancin'She's sweat, wet,Got it goin' like a turbo 'VetteI'm tired of magazinesSayin' flat butts are the thingTake the average black man and ask him thatShe gotta pack much backSo, fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)Shake that healthy butt!Baby got back!

Anon @1:41 - I think the clicks and pops are probably from the camera mount. The squeals, however, are probably a result of the crabon fibre wheels that are now de rigueur for all "serious" amateur CX racers.

I gotta thank mikeweb for the fem skin link. It's just so disturbing on so many levels. But I'm sure if this stuff is lighter, more aero, and more expensive than spandicks, roadies will rush to purchase.

That poor butterfly. She has seen things. Things a butterfly should not have to see. Overly hairy chests. Beer bellies. Grunting sweaty stoned delivery men. High fives from sloppy second hand offs. Complimentary wipe downs with a random sock. She should be fluttering in a beautiful green field.....not getting pounded by some hipster buzzed on PBR and lookin for an easy target for his spent seed.....sad little butterfly.

Four linguists were sharing a compartment on a train on their way to an international conference on sound symbolism. One was English, one Spanish, one French and the fourth German. They got into a discussion on whose language was the most eloquent and euphonious.

The English linguist said: "Why, English is the most eloquent language. Take for instance the word "butterfly". Butterfly, butterfly... doesn't that word so beautifully express the way this delicate insect flies. It's like flutter-by, flutter-by."

"Oh, no!" said the Spanish linguist, "the word for "butterfly" in Spanish is "mariposa". Now, this word expresses so beautifully the vibrant colours on the butterfly's wings. What could be a more apt name for such a brilliant creature? Spanish is the most eloquent language!"

"Papillon!" says the French linguist, "papillon! This word expresses the fragility of the butterfly's wings and body. This is the most fitting name for such a delicate and ethereal insect. French is the most eloquent language!"

At this the German linguist stands up, and demands: "Und vot is rongk mit 'SCHMETTERLING'?"

What? No updates on the Wiggins Locks for Love story? And now that fat bikes and single speed gravel racers are taking a turn as the trendy bikes, are beach cruisers far behind? Heavy single speeds with balloon tires and a stupid wire basket in the front. Sorry for the spoiler alert for you Bicycling readers. But you can still look forward every month to learn "why they ride". That never gets old.

I think I may have found the sluttiest tramp stamp in the Entire History of Forever.

The genius behind this mirror image setup is that even if she is the pivot girl with a friend on each end that both buddies <a href = "http://media.photobucket.com/user/Balticprince/media/Tramp.jpg.html?filters[term]=tramp%20stamp&filters[primary]=images&filters[secondary]=videos&sort=1&o=0#/user/Balticprince/media/Tramp.jpg.html?filters%5Bterm%5D=tramp%20stamp&filters%5Bprimary%5D=images&filters%5Bsecondary%5D=videos&sort=1&o=0&_suid=138935604837503913696036227432> know her name is Kelly.</a>

Really disappointed that the ginger-bread bike turned out to be wood. Been searching for an alternative to my bamboo bike that was such a massive disappointment. Even steamed for hours and absolutely slathered in black-bean sauce it was really chewy.

About Me

While I love cycling and embrace it in all its forms, I'm also extremely critical. So I present to you my venting for your amusement and betterment. No offense meant to the critiqued. Always keep riding!