Monday, February 6, 2012

This morning, first thing, the phone rang. I answered with optimism, my usual state, only to hear..."Hi Kate. I'm afraid I have some bad news. The embryos haven't progressed."

Instantly, I felt like I was in a tunnel. I tried hard to concentrate so I could hear everything else he was saying. Basically, the embryos should have reached what's called the Morula stage by today (day five). Actually, they would have hoped that they would have reached that yesterday (but yesterday was the day they left them untouched and alone) - and today they were hoping to see them in a Blastocyst stage. We have neither. The embryologist and the fertility doctor suggested that we wait one more day to see if they can at least reach the Morula stage by tomorrow.

If they do, then we will go ahead with the transfer at 12:15. The embryologist told me that the chances are slim that they will progress overnight - but stranger things have happened. And even if we go ahead with a transfer of embryos at the Morula stage on Day six, the pregnancy success rate is very low. Great.

If they don't reach the Morula stage by tomorrow? The whole cycle will have been a bust. Everything will be canceled. And the embryos? They will not be viable to anyone. They will be discarded. Great.

So...let me break this down for everyone. You might want to sit down - this could get ugly.

We all know that all I've ever wanted was to have children - to be a Mom. And I'm so grateful that I was blessed with Gavin and Brian and ever so briefly with Darcy. This personal quest to have one more - a sibling for the boys - another child with our DNA and Gavin and Brian's impossibly good looks - has been so hard. So hard.

A little known fact? I decided, going into this IVF cycle after my Dad died, that this was it. I'd go through the process...the injections...the nausea...the doctor visits...the acupuncture....the egg retrieval...the recovery...the waiting on the embryos...the transfer...the bedrest...the anxious wait to take a pregnancy test...all of it.

If, following the embryo transfer, I got pregnant - great!

If I had yet another miscarriage - okay.

If I didn't get pregnant - that would be it. I would be done.

I went into this cycle feeling "at peace" with my decision. I'd move on and continue our life with two wonderful children. I had to come to that place on my own. I was never swayed by comments or pressure or well intentioned advice. It was between me and Ed. He was supportive of me saying "enough" - when I was ready.

Right. That was before this morning. I at least wanted a shot! It changes everything now that I may not even get the CHANCE!!!!! To be led all the way to a centimeter before the finish line - after a very grueling, emotional, expensive, time consuming, roller coaster of a race - only to hear you may not even finish? It's too much.

Today I have literally felt sick. All day. I don't mean with a cold - although this ever lingering cold...not being able to hear out of one ear...and a sinus headache that have all lasted over a week is getting OLD. And I don't mean exhausted - even though I was up with Brian again last night - five different times - because HE is still not feeling well. I mean a sick that makes me want to crawl into my bed and hide and cry my eyes out and punch the sky and scream "CABS ARE HERE!!!" out my window (private joke that if you were in on it I promise you would find funny. Really funny). I think the formal term for my sickness is "Heartbroken."

Could things change overnight? Sure! Maybe! Who knows? It would likely take a miracle, though. And - I'm feeling uncharacteristically cynical and pessimistic and downright pissed off.

It is possible that we'll get a miracle and tomorrow at this time I will be on bedrest visualizing an embryo implanting into my uterine wall. I have a thin thread of hope that I'm holding onto. And if that happens - are you wondering if I'll regret writing this whiny, angry post? Nope. This is the real life face of infertility. This is the rider on the IVF roller coaster that is screaming her head off in the most unflattering way. This is me...today.

And if it all gets scrapped and I have to choose whether to try one last time or give up entirely? Well, I have no comment about that at this time, thank you.

The thought of things ending this way makes me want to vomit. Truly. I poured myself into this cycle emotionally and physically. And we poured our wallets and most of what was left of our insurance coverage into this cycle, too. I feel cheated and sad. It's moments like this (and let's face it...there have been plenty of moments like this for me) that make me wonder if there is someone up there that doesn't think I deserve another child. It's crossed my mind. Which then makes me realize...clearly I don't take hints very well.

A very good friend of mine went through IVF many years ago. She knows the emotional torture...the canceled cycles...the disappointments. She told me that, unlike me, there was no way she would have shared all the details with anyone. Clearly we are polar opposites. I have shared everything...and you have been on this ride with me all along. I post an embryo report on Facebook and upwards of seventy people click "Like". It's like we're going through this together. And whatever the outcome, we will go through that together, too. I can't imagine going through this alone. I just can't. Thank you for supporting me. Especially now.

4 comments:

You will always have my support, for I feel in my heart it WILL happen for you again, one day. Prayers bring about miracles. We had one this week and I will pray for your miracle to happen, too...Sincerely, Diann Smith

Kate, you are in my prayers during this time. I pray for your miracle and I also pray for peace if you must decide what road to take next. There are times that life is just messy - it's not always easy, and not always pretty. I longed for one more child as well - and wasn't able to have it. My body just pooped out on my earlier than I wanted. I feel your pain. But know, I am praying for you and with you as you face this. You have RL friends and family standing by you. And you have your online friends here, too. I wish you the best - no matter what life throws at you. I wish you peace - peace that goes with accepting whatever happens. Thank you for sharing with us the good, the bad and the ugly of this. Your honesty is so touching.

I know the old adage - everything happens for a reason - and I'm sure it does. But sometimes it sucks to accept that. :)

Kate I think back to those days on the iVillage boards. Serena, Connie, Spencer & so many others how we celebrated everything especially those BFPs. It was and is a sisterhood. I care for you and about you. It breaks my heart cause I understand your yearning. If I wasn't 45 already I might consider having one more. WHATEVER you decide to do we will fully support you, laugh with you or cry with you. You've taught me so much! Thank you for letting us in. ((Hugs)) Sandy

Who I Am...

Hi! I'm Kate. I'm a positive thinker, an amateur blogger, a jokester, and a reality TV junkie. I'm also very lucky to be a stay at home Mom to Gavin and Brian. I have a husband that has a big laugh, a big heart and a big talent for cooking. (Thank God) Our life is not always easy, but it turns out it's more than I ever dreamed it would be. I write about Gavin's disability, his miraculous progress, Brian's successful recovery from a peanut allergy and a speech delay, my Rheumatoid Arthritis and infertility journey and our crazy, incredible, roller coaster of a life. I also remember and honor our daughter, Darcy, who we met after 5 1/2 months of my pregnancy.

I feel honored that you're here to get to know us.

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Gavin's Playground Project

Gavin's Playground Project was born from my desire to see an "All Abilities" playground built at Nemours/A.I. duPont Hospital for Children in Wilmington, Delaware. This is the hospital where Gavin spent a lot of time during his life... and where he ultimately died, surrounded by friendly and familiar faces. To mark the one year anniversary of his death, I held a fundraiser on April 5, 2014. You can read all about it in THIS post.

We raised a LOT of money, but not enough for a playground! If you would like to contribute to help make this playground a reality - so no kids will ever have to sit on the sidelines watching their peers play - you can contribute directly to the hospital through the Chasing Rainbows fundraising page HERE. Your donation will go directly to the hospital for the playground and is tax deductible. You can also create your own fundraising team page and start collecting donations in honor of anyone you want!! There is also a mailing address on their page if you prefer to mail a check. Designate your contribution in memory of Gavin Leong - or write in that this is for the playground so your dollars will go to the right place. Thank you for your support of Gavin's Playground Project!

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I created "Gavin's Trust Project" to help support Gavin's friends who receive services from the Chester County Intermediate Unit in Pennsylvania. I wanted to continue to try to "make the impossible... possible" for kids like Gavin, knowing well how hard it can be to get much needed "special needs" items. It makes me happy to know that even after his death, Gavin continues to help others. Click HERE to learn more about the Trust Project! All of your donations, big and small, will be added to Gavin's Trust Project to help therapists and teachers get what they need for children in this program. You can write a check made out to CCIU and mail it to: Chester County Intermediate Unit, c/o Deb Hiller, 455 Boot Rd., Downingtown, PA 19335. Please be sure to add "Gavin's Trust Project" in the memo. Thank you on behalf of me and my little superhero!