IHRAF Publishes

We are very excited to announce this new initiative, in which we will be featuring writers -- known and unknown -- whose work is tough, beautiful vulnerable and focused on creatively working toward the common good. As the Sufis say: "Words spoken from the mouth will never get past the ears, but words spoken from the heart, enter the heart." We feature such heart-speakers.

Editor: Leah Block

Dubbs’s Experience

Dubbs Weinblatt (they/them) identifies as trans, genderqueer, queer and gay. Each word means something different to them and is an important part of their identity. Ask them why! Currently Dubbs is the Education and Training Manager, National,for Keshet, a non-profit that works for the full inclusion and equality of LGBTQ people in Jewish life. Dubbs travels the country using their strong facilitation skills to inspire and help create institutional change.

Outside of their day job, Dubbs founded and produces Thank You For Coming Out (an improv show comprised of LGBTQ performers that brings to life coming out stories with improv) and other projects that help lift the voices of LGBTQ people and build community. They also co-founded Craft Your Truth. Dubbs teaches workshops on LGBTQ inclusion and on how to connect, trust, listen and communicate effectively through the techniques of improv.

Dubbs' personal experience informs much of the work they do today and makes them a passionate educator, advocate and community leader.

by Dubbs Weinblatt

Dysphoria

is an unpredictable little bugger. It comes and goes and I never know when to expect it. It's uncomfortable, it's painful and quite honestly, it sucks. I don't feel it about my chest anymore but I do around my hips, my butt, my voice, etc. I never know when something is going to trigger it. One thing I've come to expect quite regularly is dysphoria around my period. To make light of this part about me and to make it feel a bit easier, I've nicknamed my period 'Pierpont'. It's fun to say with a British accent and that makes it one degree easier to deal with. "Oh, I believe Pierpont has arrived. And he's early, how RUDE!" The fun stops there.

An Ode to Pierpont

Once a month I'm reminded of the person I never was

Contracting uterus

There is no us

There's only you

Flowing like the tears from my eyes

Cramping my style

Shedding my dignity

Discharging my emotions

Blemishing my ideal

Swinging my mood

Aching my very core

Causing my anxiety to skyrocket

Going to the store

'These aren't for me' I think and want to say but

My lips stay stuck

I stay silent

It's a lie

A Super inconvenience

For my Regular life

Something that's hard to make Lite of

Some months are harder than others

Sometimes my body takes pity on me

Otherwise it's a heavy burden

Nothing feels sanitary

Nothing feels right

Who knew something so regular

Could feel so irregular

Changing

I am always so uncomfortable changing in the women's locker room but also don't feel comfortable going into the men's room either. I hate that this happened in NYC. I hate that this happened to Branson. I hate that it could happen to me. I hate that it could happen to anyone. If you've ever wondered why sometimes I'm uncomfortable with my shirt off in public places, here's a big reason.

They

Tonight while out with my cousin the server kept saying ‘ladies’ this and ‘ladies’ that and it was really bugging me. When I was in the bathroom my cousin asked the server to please stop using that word because I don’t identify that way and it made me uncomfortable. Then the rest of the night the server said ‘folks’ instead and I felt seen and felt so much better.

Just got called ‘sir’ three different times and I’m just not that mad about it.

But more than anything else, back when I still stumbled over each “they,” I realized that the tiny jolt I felt each time my mind readjusted was a miniature echo and essential reminder of the hundreds of instances of disrespect, discrimination, harassment, hatred and violence that transgender people experience every day. The minutes I wasted repeating my fragment of Gender and Language 101 were nothing compared with the burden placed on trans people to educate their families, friends, teachers, employers, landlords, policymakers and the rest of the world about their very personhood.”

Top Surgery

Two years ago today I celebrated #pride by having #topsurgery. This surgery was/is life-changing. I’ve been the most happy, confident, authentic, connected person because I actually feel comfortable in who I am. I see MYSELF when I look in the mirror. Whoa! Everyone deserves that. I’m still learning about myself and growing and making mistakes and life is still hard but at least I can come at it from a baseline of happiness and contentness I’d never experienced in the first 31 years of my life.

I still get nervous to be in public without a shirt because people stare and my chest doesn’t look exactly the way I want it to yet (sometimes it looks like I still have boobies!) but when I DO go in public or post on here, I’m consistently buoyed by my friends, family and community and it makes me feel safe and like a million bucks. I am so lucky.

So, thank you (for coming out😉) and having my back and cheering me on. Love you all and Happy Pride

Order of Operations

Stare at my face/hair

Stare at my chest

Stare at my crotch

Give me a disgusted look

Lather, rinse, repeat. All day. Everyday.

Icky

I just got done showing my apartment to this person who made me feel very icky. I disclosed that I had top surgery and will walk around without a shirt on occasionally because I like to be open and also need to make sure that I will feel safe in my own home. I also talked about my day job which is teaching LGBTQ inclusion to Jewish professionals.

I was then bombarded with 10K questions about terms and identity and was told I was “bold for attempting to try to change something that would never change. You’re the minority....you can’t create change. Why would people listen? You can’t expect change.”

She challenged every piece of my identity, every part of my being and she did it in my own home. I wish I would have stopped it sooner but there was this small part of me that was curious to see what else she’d have the nerve say. She asked me about children and how they’re taught when they’re younger not to let strangers touch them and will that just go out the window? Obviously I answered that NO. Queer people ALSO talk about consent and what’s appropriate etc etc and nothing about ‘what’s appropriate’ changes just bc you’re queer. SERIOUSLY!? We’re HUMAN too! She said a lot of other things that were masked as ‘curiosity’ but really weren’t; I am pretty aware of the difference by now. She was trying to prove me wrong. She was trying to prove my experience and my identity wrong. And it felt really bad.

I’m telling you this because I want you to understand that I deal with this shit on the daily and sometimes it’s exhausting just to exist. And I’m telling you this bc I need welcoming and inclusive roommates and please send those people my way.

Thanks.

Katherine Dye is a graduate of Oberlin College with a B.A. in Comparative Literature. She writes fiction and poetry and hopes to pursue an MFA in Writing. She has a particular interest in feminist literature and literature that plays with the conventions of form and genre. Her work has been published in The Plum Creek Review.

Object Impermanence

by Katherine Dye

A woman must continually watch herself.

John Berger

Is it “I” or eye? Choose one:

“I”/eye see the men in the street. They see me.

(If they look away,)

“I”/eye will disappear.

“I”/eye will never have existed.

“I”/eye am a figment to others and myself.

(My body is hollow flesh.)

“I”/eye exist forever

(in that moment between bloom and over ripeness.)

“I”/eye inhabit a brittle world

(before the spoken word.

My body becomes real.)

“I”/eye become object.

“I”/eye become me.

You speak and “I”/eye am you.

(Your eyes turn me into meat,)

while “I”/eye am my own butcher.

Broken Bread Sestina

by Michaela Zelie

My mother teaches me how to kneadthe dough. With the heelof her hands, her body lifting,she teaches me that the body “Is like piecesOf a puzzle, two people, just fit.”She teaches me how to fitthe dough into the space above the fridge. “It needsto rise,” as she tucks a pieceof hair behind my ear. I push off my heels,press my bodyinto hers. I ask to liftthe towel. She says “liftingit too soon won’t allow it rise.” Its like trying to fitthe piecesof myself into others without realizing I need-to let myself healin between. My bodyisn’t meant to fit with everybody.It’s been ½ a decade now, of liftingmy body from mattresses, searching for heal-ing, searching for something that fits.½ a decade of need-ing to find the right pieces.2 years since someone forced piecesof himself into my bodyand since then I have need-ed the control that comes with liftingmyself away from people who don’t fit.I haven’t learned how to heal.I have begun to think of heal-ing as an unattainable peace.I have begun to question if anything will ever fitinto this bodythe way my mother said it should, in a way that liftsme up rather than leaves me needing.She couldn’t teach me how to heal, or where my body fitas easily as she could teach me how to knead or how to liftthe dough, break it into pieces, slide them into pans.

Michaela Zelie is a recent graduate from the University of Maine at Farmington. She is particularly interested in poetry and poetic nonfiction, particularly in exploration of religion and the body. Michaela has been published in The Sandy River Review and The River.