Month: July 2017

So…what are we now….5…maybe 6 years down the line where as the vaping industry can be seen as not ‘niche’ but ‘serious business’ ….let’s say 5 for the sake of argument, That’s 5 years worth of continuously pumping out devices to compete against each other in a vastly over saturated market, 5 years of taking a relatively simple idea and trying to do something different with it in order to stand out from the crowd and grab peoples attention….to make lottsa cheddar…essentially.

So what’s the correct formula?….what separates the wheat from the chaff, Well…as is the same for any retail manufacturer, you have to make something of high quality at an affordable price catered towards the majority of your audience (what is this a fucking business study??) ….And that….is what the company I am reviewing today appear to be doing very well.

Relatively new on the scene, AsvapeTech(Shenzhen Asvape Technology Co., Ltd) or just Asvape for short….not Assvape…

As I have been calling them (obviously) but ‘Azvape’ …..according to most it stands for ‘Awesome Vape’…except it doesn’t, It stands for ‘American Standard Vape’ …….so it is Assvape…..AND their from China anyway…..It’s all very confusing…and their claimed goal of ‘Let you health and more fashionable’……doesn’t help the situation one little bit….regardless…onward and upward as they say…

Hey my little sweet steam sucking soiree …(ooh new one…totally keeping that)….A little news for you with regards to a wee change on the Steampugs train, we’re growing!….and by that I don’t mean we’ve been overdoing the puddings (totally have….all in the name of e-liquid research you understand)…but no…what I do mean is there’s going …

The Charon ……The ferryman of Hades who carries souls of the newly deceased across the rivers Styx and Acheron that divided the world of the living from the world of the dead…What’s wrong with pleasant names??…..why always dark mythology?….It hardly paints a pretty picture of this fluffy world of ours now does it, you could have…..the Smoant Kevin…..or maybe the Smok Susan…they’re nice names, unoffensive…..but no, people want dark and mysterious because it’s ‘cool’……which is precisely why when I get to design my own mod (never gonna happen) the dual 26650 stacked PWM 30mm ‘Baton’ ..I shall be calling it ‘Satans 3rd leg’…and you’ll be able to suck that motherfucker to hell and back….and yes….that’s also the tagline….it’s a winner…donations towards this enterprise would be very welcome.

Let’s be honest….most stories could do with the odd dragon thrown in for good measure, maybe not shit…I think there was enough shit in the last review’s story….but dragons….I might be able to muster with the help of this months offering on the vape table. No…I’m not reviewing a dragon….nor am I interviewing Daenerys Targaryen (totally googled how to spell that) ….although given the choice between the two…I would definitely go with the latter….ah yeah..

First time ever that that’s sprung into my mind when opening the latest vape offering sent to me for review, I mean I expect this kind of behaviour from Gearbest but I always thought Heavengifts were a tad more respectable…

‘oh it’s a Mod’ ….I thought….way too late as it turns out…..best wash it thoroughly before I put into my mouth (again…that’s what’s she said)

And I should really fix that lock on the bathroom door…..I feel such a fool…

I’m gonna start with a little love story…..A good few years ago, one crisp Autumnal morning, I was awoken by the sound of…absolutely nothing, And I soon came to realise that I had indeed forgotten to set my alarm clock leaving me almost an hour late for work….that’s right…’clock’ ….like I said…years ago…anyway, That was strike one, I rushed out of the house and decided to cut across the park and as I marched across the field like a man with purpose I suddenly felt something a bit….’soft’…underfoot, whilst not slowing down any I turned my head to look at the floor behind me convinced I’d see a pile of freshly baked doggy bum nuggets with my footprint planted right in the centre….but while looking backwards…and walking briskly forwards…and before I could finish the thought ‘Oh good…it was just a pile of leav…. WOH!’….I slipped in an actual particularly mountainous and moist ‘Elephant’ turd …twisting my knee…and leaving me splayed out on my back writhing in agony clutching my…what felt like….shattered kneecap…..strike 2…… “Are you OK?…..oh hi Pugs” ….said an almost angelic voice above me….”Oh…hey” I replied to a girl walking her dog that I happened to have pulled at my friends party a couple of weeks previous …A girl I might add that I had grown to have an unhealthy infatuation with……..and if there was any chance of this being a lucky romantic encounter you often see in the movies….that chance was soon dashed with the next words out of her mouth……”You have shit in your hands…..” I looked down..and sure enough, there was a three foot smear of shit up the outside of leg up to my knee…which I was clutching firmly with both hands…….gargantuan strike 3….

Strangely….I never saw that girl again, but that clusterfuck of a morning all those years ago has stayed with me ever since, and every time I hear someone say ‘Bad things happen in threes’…I can almost smell those shit sodden leaves and bitter humiliation all over again…and as a result of that….I have had a nagging fear of the number 3 ever since…that’s right…I’m a massive weirdo with Triphobia….I mean I was just about getting my head around using 3 batteries without the fear of blowing my face off….and I also have my third child on the way….clearly going to be the spawn of Satan…so I’m working on it…but generally….if it’s a three…it’s going to be shit.

Yes….this is a vape review…all will come clear…..if you’re looking for sense you’re in the wrong town buddy…