1966 called and it wants its school back

Last night I banged out a post that has been flickering around my consciousness for YEARS. I always wanted to write it, I just didn’t quite know where to start. I wanted to get it right. I wanted to encompass everything it is to be a woman today and struggling with the crazy concept of ‘having it all’. In the end I just wrote the bloody thing and it took me half an hour tops. The support and love and understanding that came from that post has made me believe that this is not actually about me. It’s time for society to work just as hard as mums and make the necessary changes to rise to meet the modern woman. Hello, Society, pleased to meet you, I’m Exhausted.

Have you noticed that even though a woman’s life has changed astronomically since the 60s, not much else in society has? Office hours are the same, the set up for childcare (preschools in particular) is the same, a man’s role is the same (I just want to explode all over the computer about that so haven’t said a word) and, here we go, schools are the same.

Yesterday, I got slightly carried away talking about how much I love volunteering at my kids’ school, but as I was typing, my brain was going, “hang on a minute, WTAF?” I’m perpetuating a dire situation. See, school life has not changed for decades. It’s still 1966 at our local school and I reckon it’s the same at your school too.

It’s not that our school hasn’t moved with modern times in a technological and pedagogical sense. It has to a degree (but not enough, in my opinion. Despite having iPods and laptops for classrooms and smart boards that appear to do all the thinking, it beggars belief that a school still has a ‘computer room’ in 2016, but I know that some schools don’t even have that.) We’ve also got a thoroughly modern working-mum school principal and teachers who do women everywhere proud. No, where things haven’t changed one jot is this: mum time.

As far as I can see, a typical 2016 school still demands the same amount of time from its ‘parents’ (read, mothers) as a 1966 school. Someone forgot to tell the school system that hello, mums go out to work. Lots and lots and lots of women go out to work. Can you even believe it?

They can’t believe it. There’s the P+C to run, the tuckshop to staff, the reading groups to listen to, maths groups to flub through, the fundraisers to organise and the sports carnivals to time keep. The uniform shop needs mums, as does the library book drive, the school fair, the dinner-dance, the stalls, the working bee, the book club and the movie night. Someone has to accompany the school excursions and someone else, but, let’s face it, probably the same person, is needed overnight at band camp.

It’s pretty clear that schools can only function when parents get involved. I know this, it’s one of the reasons why I volunteer time I don’t have. If it’s still 1966 at school, I think it’s my duty to be 1966 mum and make myself available. Nobody else has any more time than I do and that’s a fact.

But volunteering is only half of it, because there are so many other insidious ways that schools suck up a modern mum’s time. Think about all the open days, assemblies, awards nights, performances and parent-teacher meetings. Every single one of them (except perhaps the awards night and a few performances) are on during school hours. Which makes sense for the kids, but life very hard for working parents. And let’s not even talk about the fact that school hours are still 9 – 3 pm – a start and finish time that is more difficult to manage with a 9-5 pm job I can’t imagine.

Then there is the homework situation. Home it comes each week in the same way it’s been coming home for decades. Despite being shown to have no actual impact on a child’s education and despite the structure of family life having fundamentally changed during every single one of those decades.

Max, who is in Year 6 and, yes, Mrs B, absolutely capable of managing his own homework schedule but doesn’t, fights homework like most of us fight sleep. Homework is an ongoing war in my house and one I know is being raged in houses up and down the street. It’s a battle that saps every last piece of emotional energy I’ve got left over after a long work day and it’s a fight I know I’ll never win. So why does the homework keep coming home? (And please don’t write to me to tell me about your kid who thrives on homework because I am very happy for both yourself and your kid but just no.)

One last thing before I go back into my dark corner: mufti days. I freaking hate them. The only reason we manage to keep things tenuously together is because our kids wear a school uniform. When the mufti day note comes home with a request to wear orange, yellow, green, pyjamas, olden-day, crazy hair, sports gear or anything other than the school uniform, I sob a little inside. Because here, right in front of me, I’m holding the straw. Extra stuff to think about, extra stuff to do and who wears orange clothes anyway? You don’t need to wear orange clothes. I know it says orange on the note but I’m sure the teachers were just thinking “if you have orange clothes”, which you don’t. I’m pretty sure everyone else does not have random orange clothes they’ll be wearing tomorrow. As if parents are going to buy orange clothes just for the orange clothes mufti day. I’ll ring Beryl and see if her girls are wearing orange clothes and you’ll soon see that orange clothes are optional. Okay, just spoke to Beryl – any ideas where can I buy orange clothes at 8.45 pm on a Tuesday night?

I work full time from home and look after my son full time. He isn’t in school yet. I also look after the shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry. Changing a man’s role starts in your own home. What’s your husband’s excuse?

Have you heard of Constance Hall? Goes viral on FB regularly. Perth mum, she’s fabulous. Anyhoo, she had a post the other day about a male friend who had been to marriage counselling and this is what the marriage counsellor told him:
“Our counsellor said that I should consider my working hours at work to be her working hours at home and anything that needs to be done outside of these hours is over time and we both need to do that together”
Not completely applicable as you work on top of the mother thing, but still, made me think “Hey yeah!” Maybe husbands should be “gently” persuaded to follow Constance….

Oh yeah. Sooooo 1966 here in New Zealand too. In so many many ways.
And HOMEWORK!!! Forget it. I told my youngest son’s teacher, NO. He’s not going to do it. I value peace and sanity more.
The End.
xx
(I know the older kids have to do it but come on! the eight year old? NO.)

We still do it. I am so ridiculously conscientious. These days it’s completely on Max to do it (or not, as the case may be), Arabella has always just gotten on with the job, and Lottie needs a bit of extra help, so it’s good that we do it together. I don’t know… homework is set, so I feel like we should do it. Mad. x

I did have a little wistful moment when Ari stopped wearing the pinny. It is very smart and nostalgic but soooo uncomfortable for play. She’s much happier. Lottie won’t give up her tights and pinny for love nor money. Choice is what it’s all about. x

Ahhhh the eternal dilemma of both the school and the working parent. I heard somewhere today that Tasmania are trying to legislate that children should be in formal schooling by 3.5yrs which just seems so very young, but then some children at daycare and childcare full time from much younger ages than this. When I was doing my teaching degree and even in more recent times the old chestnut of school hours needing to be changed to 7-7 or something like that. Which all sounds great in theory but what about the teachers who decided to go into teaching for some form of family friendly hours. The reality of teaching is when I was teaching I still left home at 7am to be at school for 8 and then at the other end of the day only because I would organise all my duties to before school and lunchtime I would be able to get away as soon as the bell went. I wouldn’t get home til 430 so the only thing that is really family friendly about teaching is the holidays.
I completely agree with you that schools need to change their thinking I am not sure what the answer is but I do know that the way our children learn and the way schools operate does need to change.

It does. I could never advocate for 7 until 7 though – that seems a bit ridiculous. But certainly an earlier start time and option for extended ‘outside time’ care after hours at every school would be super. Our school has out of hours care but my kids hate it and I think it would be mean to send them there. I honestly don’t have any answers. I know our school is 100x better than many, so on we plough. x

The homework thing is really starting to bug me too. It seems to have increased rather than decreased. Miss 10 in Year 5, has homework, and whilst it doesn’t really take her that long once she does it, I find that it’s the last thing she wants to do – and this is coming from a child who would go to school every day including holidays if she could! It’s just not necessary. Reading each day, yes, but that’s it.
Schools really do need to move with the times, but perhaps they are just stuck as to how too. It’s a no-win situation. To run well, schools need parent involvement, but parents just don’t have the time. We let go our canteen a couple of years ago and outsourced lunches three days a week. It’s kind of sad. Remember how cool it was taking 50 cents to the canteen? Or even buying your lunch on the last day of term?! But, I didn’t volunteer so I don’t have a say.
It’s a can of worms B.

It is so true! I volunteer at the uniform shop and have done this for the previous three years, but I’ve handed in my resignation for next year because the juggle was getting too much. It got to the stage where it was just expected that I would be available all the time even though I committed to one afternoon a week (some parents were even ringing me at home at 7am to ask if I could just open up for a minute because little Johnny was cold – so not just the school who think we have nothing else to do). All those days out of the ordinary that you talk about – the few Mums that do work full time look perpetually stressed when they arrive late – they’ve had to do the dodge from work and struggle to make it in time for their kid, so are beating themselves up about being a bad mother and a bad employee.

It’s just exhausting… I feel for those mums. I wish guilt didn’t come as part of the mothering package. Mostly I choose to believe that if I do my best, there’s nothing to feel guilty about and I tell my kids that too. Good on you for standing down in the uniform shop. You’ve done more than enough already. x

It makes me feel so much better that it’s not just me that is feeling completely overwhelmed by the crazy mum/ wife/ teacher/ business owner life….i think it’s the 70 notes that seem to come home from school every week. Sign this, pay that, emails, apps, argh!!! I can not WAIT for the school holidays.

I am six months into the school journey, and have already noticed that at every event, it’s the same parents always helping. Always. I’m on the PFA and also on an event sub-committee and it takes up a lot of my time. Time I’m happy to give at this stage of my life, don’t get me wrong. But I’m also first to be tapped on the shoulder every time there’s something new. Just. No. I’m maxed out. I’m sorry. But I’m NOT SORRY! (And the man’s role. YEP. Last year, when little miss was in kinder, the special Mother’s Day function was at 11.00am on a Tuesday. The Father’s Day one was at 7.30 on a Friday evening.

I have paid work at a not-for-profit organisation and I am STAGGERED by how much is accomplished by our volunteers. Also, and even more staggering, is how terrible our town would be without them. Our small school down here is the same; total burn out by the same few Mums, some with paid jobs in school hours as well, who donate ALL their spare time for the school to be able to offer these “services”. Seems like something has to give – if you cant afford to staff it, dont advertise that the school offers it. More funding for schools???? Aherm.

Aherm. Plus, more conscientiousness by EVERYONE at the school. If everyone did a little, a few wouldn’t have to do a lot. That’s why I still volunteer the time that I can, because I genuinely believe that I have that obligation. I wish more did. That said, it still sucks that we have to!!!

Yep. Even if the parent has changed – for instance, Al went on Phoebe’s school excursion on Tuesday, the expectation that a parent will be able to be there exists. So looking forward to 3 hours of sausage sizzle tomorrow (on my ‘day off’ aka my day to try and be a parent, a home carer, transition into a new job somehow plus also be less stressed on the weekend). Not to mention the last minute advice that we ‘have’ to go to science exhibitions at 4pm on Tuesday AND Wednesday next week (two kids, two different times, very inconvenient time of the day if you’re working). Joy! (Something has to change I think – and a lot is how frequently we are expected to be at school).

Such a lot on, Helen! Something definitely does have to change. I understand that it’s ‘for the children’ and they do love it (even those stupid orange days at the school), but surely not at the expense of their parents?

I agree that school hasn’t changed — but I’m not entirely sure what they can do. They are all struggling for funding (public and the little private schools alike) and who else is there to rely on but parents? I do like being a part of my school community. In fact, that sense of community was one of the very reasons we selected our school. And it’s quite refreshing just how many Dads are involved. Oh, it’s all just too hard. Lucky there is wine.

Agreed. I was asked by my daughter’s teacher if I could come into class for an hour every day to do literacy. Every day. I would love to but an hour every day is just not possible.
I have to say though that school here is far easier than school in Dubai, this is not exaggerating but at least one kid would have a dress up day at least once a fortnight. I was attending some kind of event at school at least three times a week. Parents were definitely expected to attend. It was utter madness. Being a working parent was impossible there. Also school hours were 7.30am – 2pm and there was no OOSH at all.

I truly believe homework should be abolished. It stresses out kids, parents and family and every study says it’s absolutely pointless. Grrr homework.

Every day? That’s such a big commitment, for anyone! It’s interesting to hear about Dubai and now I’m curious about how it works in other countries too. Especially Finland. You always hear such good things about their set up. Off to investigate!!

Bron – if you are investigating, I can give you the inside info on Switzerland, via my sister in law and family. And basically – much simpler (better hours that align with working hours, homework is better managed, and so on). BUT – harder to break into and make friends as a new resident to the country, because there is no parental involvement (and for some reason, this extended to out of school activities like birthday parties. No school lists for contacts, nothing. Probably too far the other way).

Yes! This is true. My husband worked for a Swiss company and I have been told by people who moved to work at the head office, people they met were generally friendly but they’d never invite you over for dinner or a visit. The feeling was they had their friends and didn’t really need anymore!

I was talking about this earlier today. I used to long for life to be easier when the kids went to high school. While some things are better (no weekly assembly!), there is still the expectation/assumption that mum is home after school to help with homework. Never mind I’m so exhausted by the time I get back from work to do anything much…

School commitments ( plus drop off and pick up times ) are the number 1 reason why I haven’t returned to the workforce as a pharmacist. My partners job is 100% not flexible so I’m the only person that can pick up the slack with everything.

This is true of so many of us, Cinti. Flexibility is just not being offered to men so there goes the opportunity to do this together. Often it falls to the mum because the dad has greater earning potential because our society sux like that… x

Another aspect that I think is worthy of a mention is all the extra mental baggage that women have to deal with, on top of the day to day fluff , include the appointments, birthdays, your child’s friend’s birthdays, anniversaries etc that get delegated to us. My husband wouldn’t know when my parents birthdays were!!

There’s a primary school in Sydney who have an outstandingly brilliant principal who has implemented completely different school hours. School starts at 8am (from memory) and finishes at 2pm, then there is a homework club and sports / extra curricular activities from 2-6pm. I think they also do a breakfast club from 7:30am. It would be good if more schools had principals who listened to their community and were willing to take on the dept of education to change hours to suit the families they serve.

Oh Bron… I think you are living inside my head this week!
It just makes no sense! As class parent I was in charge of the roster for the kiddies corner at the fundraising fair last year and it was a struggle to fill the roster with volunteers. And the event was on a weekend! The same ‘MUM’s’ that always volunteer for reading groups, canteen etc ended up filling the slots and doing double shifts, because we couldn’t get enough volunteers. Um where were all the dad’s on the weekend!! And often the first to complain are the parents that never volunteer! I’m more than happy to do my bit, and I work part time so that I can be part of the school community, but gosh if only every parent did just one thing! And imagine if their employers gave them the time to actually volunteer at school! It takes a village right??!! xx

I can so relate to this right now. I want to help support our little school, but it’s almost a part-time job managing my children’s school careers. This week we have a Monday school trip, inter-school athletics day, cricket club, the school disco (at different times for different kids), an information evening for new parents, a Save the Children Den Day, and a stay & play session for Miss nearly Four. Next week is the School Fayre and a sponsored bounce fundraiser amoung other things. Oh and then there’s homework……I need a cup of tea and a lie down. Lol.

I think it’s more about that the fact that when kids see their Mum OR Dad helping at at the school it reinforces how important their education is. I don’t think asking parents to be part of schooling will ever die out. I know what you mean about coloured clothes day. You could keep a multitude of different coloured hair ribbons or t shirts on hand. I had a very expensive linen tablecloth my daughter chopped up to make a cape once for a bloody coloured clothes day. Not happy Jan.

This is a clever and interesting way of framing the topic. I have often wondered why I am still struggling and loaded up with so much guilt when everyone all around says a working mom can have it all. I felt so guilty when I had to stop volunteering for a certain activity which I helped run for a couple of years because I had gone back to work and it was simply too much of a struggle to keep juggling. I have often wondered if I was doing something wrong because I could not continue what I was doing. I have come to realise that it is simply because I have changed as a mother. I think people lose sight of the fact that motherhood is an evolving concept not only on a societal level but on an individual level as well. The mother of the two young children I once was is growing up and priorities will change. I need to accept that. So yes, schools need to keep up with these changes as well. Much food for thought.

Spot on about growing as a mum. I am definitely not the same mum as I was in the beginning either. Priorities shift, as does capacity. And those are two things that are vastly different for everyone from the start.

I love that you are a fellow school volunteer. Not too sure why it is so different at our school but we have no one putting up their hands to help. But like you say…the people that do…are predominately mums..

I am starting to think I should be very grateful for our little country school…

Tuck shop and uniform shop has been outsourced because it was not viable to expect parents to run these things.
One of our two sports events is run after school as a ‘picnic dinner’ so more people can come, and most of our other events and ‘come along and see’ stuff are also held after school.
We have no homework besides reading and the occasional project or special task.
We have the occasional dress-up day but it’s like twice a year max.

I think our school learned the hard way when our P and C died because there just wasn’t enough people who could commit to the during school hours activities, or even after school and weekends because so many people have a long commute or work shifts, so they’ve tried really hard to offer lots of options and not ask people for HUGE long term, every week, kind of commitments.

Our school is not perfect, but there are lots of things I am grateful for!
I wonder if high school will be different?

When I saw the title of this post on FB I just had to read. I spend too much time trying not to let this affect me, but it does. .. Self Employed for 10 years and constantly judged by the school and other parents for “not being involved enough” as they see me as a SAHM.
Now that my eldest is in year 6 (happy and doing well) this has come back to bite me in the arse.
Despite the excursions, the reading groups and sewing costumes for the productions… it’s not enough.
Not being an visible Alpha mum means that my recent divorce process has put me even more on the outer and any school contibution from the ex is now seen as an heroic effort, while I will never be good enough.
Thank goodness my daughters see everything I do with appreciation.
So many lessons to pass on to them now..

I feel like crying because everything you have written is exactly what I think. I regularly loose my shit over many of the aforementioned. And the your child has to wear orange has also bought me to tears as well! When I was away for a week solo earlier in the year one of the things I decided was giving up was volunteering at the school and in fact giving up all my volunteering (almost). I will do it again and when my youngest starts school in 2 years but right now, the stress I felt is outweighed by any good feelings from helping. The school day hours are a constant source of frustration too. I work part time away from home and the rest of the week is working from home – but it is constant, come and watch the violin lesson (during school hours) attend the school concert/ assembly/ uniform shop etc etc etc etc. My favourite this week is my oldest is representing the school at the district public speaking comp. so I get a note saying I have to drive her to the other school, and then drive her back to her school because you know I’m just at home doing nothing. Which of course I want to be there but there was no alternative- I could go on and on!

Oh yes, the ‘at home doing nothing’ — the biggest negative of all about working from home. I’d never change it, of course, because the BENEFITS are enormous, BUT… it’s obviously not a real job, right? There is definitely the expectation by schools that there is a parent available 24/7 to drop everything and sort the school stuff out. I honestly think that’s archaic thinking. Just ridiculous. x

Homework is banned in our house unless you are in high school. I generally advise the teachers at the beginning of the year – I don’t believe in homework so don’t even bother giving it to them. I do get my kids to start doing it in 2nd half of year 6. I’m pretty relaxed in term 3, but by term 4 you need to be self sufficient in it to prepare for high school. We have jeans for genes day coming up. Mr 9 hates wearing jeans so he doesn’t have a pair. So guess what we will have to buy for him to wear once to make a gold coin donation?

Hopefully you can borrow a pair off a mate? Grrrr… makes me cross. I get that the school is creating community, but surely there are other ways to do that?

With the homework thing, I panic because it’s not like my kids are sailing through every school year knowing everything. I think, “maybe they need the extra school time” and there we go doing the homework. x