My [36 F] husband [38 M] of 14 years keeps changing jobs. For the last five years he has bounced from job to job, uprooting us each year, becoming more and more depressed and desperate with each new role.

when we got together years ago we both had low paying jobs and few prospects but with a lot of hard work he got his dream job, that turned into a nightmare. He has been diagnosed with major depressive disorder but wont seek help past his ineffective medication. I don't know how to help him anymore. We use to have a great relationship, but now our lives revolve around his illness and job hopping.

He has this notion that he is suppose to provide and be like his overachieving father. I feel so scared and lost. I know that he is about to leave another job and he has only been there for 3 weeks. I need logical reasonable advice. Leaving him is not an option.

a bit about me, I am career retail but not working at the moment because of the many moves and just not finding anything in our new city yet. Its not really a possibility for me to make much more then 20k a year. He doesn't really want me to work and prefers I stay home and do the housewife thing. I don't mind that at all because working retail was making me... well I worked retail for 20 years, so unhappy is not even the right word.

I'm scared because of the insecurity, because I don't know if we are going to wind up homeless, because I don't contribute enough, because I think he puts pressure on himself because of me, mostly its because our relationship is terrible right now. There is no intimacy, he doesn't want me, he needs me like a life preserver. I still want him and its killing me.

A darkness carried in the heart cannot be cured by moving the body from one place to another.

He's running from job to job, place to place, desperately trying to get away from the one thing that goes with him everywhere he goes: himself.

He needs help; you already know that. But if the meds he is on are not working, and he will not seek help beyond them, there's every likelihood that he will not be able to break this cycle.

For a relationship to be healthy, both people in it need to be getting out of it what they need. It's clear that you are not, and that a big reason that you are not is because he is not holding up his end of the covenants that the two of you made: part of the promise he made, whether implicit or explicit, was to do what was necessary and in his power to contribute to the union. He's not doing that, and no one can force him to.

So. He is not following through with what he promised to do on the day he married you. That's a choice he is making. Even if the reason he is not holding up his end is because he cannot do it without help, he is the one making the choice not to get that help.

So unless and until he does get help, your relationship will be unbalanced and (therefore) unhealthy.

You cannot make him change, you cannot make his choices for him, and you cannot help him if he will not accept the help.

So for as long as you allow it to go on, this is his life. Which means that this is your life.

I actually cried reading this comment. This is my ex husband to a tee. He ended up cheating on me just to grab that next “branch”. Is he happy? No. Did I find peace and happiness? Yes!
OP your husband needs to find inner peace or he will run forever. Don’t let him take you down with him.

Thank you. It was your first few lines that just jumped at me. It’s so true. You can’t run away from yourself. New jobs, holidays, material stuff, women. It doesn’t make a depressed man happy. Because they can’t escape themselves. You are a true wordsmith x

this is what a lot of people do. It runs counter to our culture. It always strikes me when people in places like Bhatan are ranked the happiest of people in the world. They have the least. It is all to often in the Western world to feel like once we achieve a certain status or material possessions - a super car, house, or clothes - we will by association be that image. We have many people who pose like this and fake it until you make it. Slowing down, working on our issues (we all have them) will make us appreciate what we have vs. what we dont. Your reply was spot on.

yeah, I know. I just want him to love me, but he cant because he hates himself and everything else. It seems unfair for me to even consider leaving because he is sick. I know that mental illness is not his fault, like having diabetes wouldn't be.

I know that mental illness is not his fault, like having diabetes wouldn't be.

No, having mental illness is not his fault. But. Like diabetes, there are treatments for mental illness.

If a person with diabetes chooses not to seek medical care for it, then the consequences of that choice (neuropathy and so forth) are his/her fault.

Likewise, while your husband's mental illness is not his fault, since he chooses not to seek medical care for it, the consequences of that choice (basically the life you've been living these past years) is his fault, to whatever extent things could have been better if he'd been in proper care.

Make no mistake: he is choosing this life by choosing not to seek the medical care he needs.

It may seem unfair to leave him over something that he cannot control. But this is not something he cannot control. This is something he could choose to get help with, but does not, and is therefore dragging himself and you through this nightmare.

There's a spectrum of severity of mental illness. Someone who is in a mental health crisis (actively suicidal, experiencing psychosis or mania, unable to complete activities of daily life eg eat/bathe/go to work) is not going to be able to get themselves help.

OP, your husband may be toeing the line of a crisis. You said he is becoming more desperate. Like physical illnesses, depression can get worse. He may not be able to help himself and it's difficult to tell from your post whether he is getting to that place.

I think there is more nuance to the situation than what some of these comments are saying. It would be incredibly difficult to leave a partner who is barely hanging on (I know, I've done it) and the question of whether he is capable of seeking help is a complicated one. I think he can either accept your help in getting him help, get himself help, or the relationship can't continue.

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There's a spectrum of severity of mental illness. Someone who is in a mental health crisis (actively suicidal, experiencing psychosis or mania, unable to complete activities of daily life eg eat/bathe/go to work) is not going to be able to get themselves help.

OP, your husband may be toeing the line of a crisis. You said he is becoming more desperate. Like other physical illnesses, depression can get worse. He may not be able to help himself and it's difficult to tell from your post whether he is getting to that place.

I'm not sure if you have a lot of experience with mental illness or not, and I won't assume, but if you have you should be able to recognise that not getting help is not always a choice. It's why people can be forcefully admitted to institutions to help. Mental Illness skews the way you see things and especially with depression, it tells you that you deserve it, and you can't get help because you'll just be burdening the people you love, etc. Also depression often takes any motivation and willpower out of you, and you can't bring yourself to get help even if you want it. I know this both from personal experiences, people I've met while I was in hospital, and people surrounding me.

I have a lot of experience with mental illness, including depression. I think there are definitely cases where the person is SO depressed that they can't drag themselves into a therapist's office because they can barely drag themselves out of bed. But this guy doesn't seem to be one of those people.

If he has the motivation and willpower to regularly move, one of the most stressful things the average human being does, and job hunt and interview and start new jobs, then he has the willpower necessary to make a phone call and sit his butt in a therapist's office. He's choosing not to.

I've been clinically depressed since I was 14, I'm now 36. I'm pretty much always going to be medicated and/or in treatment of some kind I suspect, because as one of my doctor's puts it, some people are naturally more prone to depression - like athletes have a low resting heart rate, my resting mental health is depressed.

What I'm trying to say is I have a lot of experience with mental illness, and the lack of motivation that comes with it. It's not nice to hear, but no one can make me get treatment, they can help me, they can encourage me, but ultimately it's MY responsibility.

And honestly, I don't think I'd want it any other way, depression robs you of so fucking much, if you actually manage to take a tiny step to help yourself, you WANT that step to have been earned, not forced. Just my 2 cents, sorry.

Leaving someone isn’t always about “fault.” Sometimes it’s a choice between two people being miserable or one person being miserable. And sometimes the threat of it is the only leverage you have left when a self-destructive partner refuses help.

You don’t have to leave yet. You can keep trying. But don’t rule it out completely. There are no prizes for staying with someone who makes you unhappy, and sometimes an ultimatum is necessary for snapping someone out of destructive patterns. Keep it in your back pocket as a last resort.

OP, I have clinical depression and a whopper of a mood disorder. These are my troubles to bear. They are no one else's responsibility. You do not owe him anything—much less an entire lifetime of misery—simply because he has a mental condition he is refusing to treat properly.

It’s not his fault - but it also isn’t yours, and your life is being constantly uprooted and unstable. That isn’t just you accepting his mental illness, it’s you being directly harmed by it. You need to take care of yourself, and drawing a line and saying “no” to more moves and instability is a good first step.

It’s a horrible feeling to have low self esteem, but still think you’re better than everyone else. It is ok for you to leave if you have to. You can’t save someone else from drowning if they don’t want to try, and just bring you down with them. If you are truly at that point, consider going to a couple of therapy sessions, then tell him that he needs to go as well. I don’t know why there is such a stigma around mental help, but people are afraid of it.

It is hard for people with mental health problems to seek help, because they feel like they are not worth it. Remind him that he is worth it and that things CAN get better. It is also possible he has been misdiagnosed with depression, and that he really has bipolar or something else. Go see a real psychiatrist for a second opinion on the diagnosis and the meds.

This. If he's depressed and his meds aren't working he needs different meds. It really is that simple.

There are a million (not really) different anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, and other psych drugs. The drug they first put you on when you are diagnosed is rarely the drug that is most effective. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2010. It took until 2015 to get the right cocktail of drugs to manage my disorder. And just three months I had to up my mood stabilizer and add an anti-anxiety medication because my disorder shifted. It's a trial and error process that requires a good professional.

If he's taking one currently he's obviously okay with the idea of medication. It's just that he's not taking the right one(s). Make him an appointment, take him to it. Don't give him an option in this. You will have to make him go.

I'm gender stereotyping here, but men have the same rate of mental illness as women but are much less likely to get treatment, because of stigma or masculinity or because men just don't go to the doctor. If you take the lead on this though, he will probably go.

Therapy is useful. But, for major depression all the therapy in the world can't fix the chemical imbalance in the brain. Get him into a psych MD, not a normal MD. Fix the chemical imbalance. It will make a huge difference.

I've never found a therapist that's helped me with any of my trauma. I rely on medication only. But I still say these meds keep me alive (i get sucidial). That's how much of a difference the right one makes.

I think this would be probably the best course of action. Everyone saying it's his fault for not getting help sort of seem like they don't understand what it's like to be in his place. Another thing to do would be to possibly schedule some joint therapy sessions or even couples therapy and it could help him to go because she's with him.

I have bipolar disorder and I know *exactly* what it feels like to be mentally ill and hopeless. And honestly? Like a few other people have said, if he's capable enough to go to work, to move locations for jobs, to go on the interviews that he needs to go on and do well enough on them to keep getting those new jobs, then he 100% has the energy and ability to get better treatment. Hell, OP said that he's on ineffective meds, so he's even been to a doctor before for this problem, and just stalled out on meds that don't work!

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If he was bed-ridden, barely getting out of bed to use the bathroom, unable to leave the bedroom without sobbing hysterically, then yeah, I would say that this is someone who might be unable to get help for themself. But this guy? He already gets up every day and does stuff. He's just refusing to do the right stuff to get better.

But if he refused to go to the doctor to TREAT his diabetes, that is his fault. He is actively choosing to let his illness effect the quality of his life and relationships instead of getting it under control. He didn’t choose to HAVE depression, but he is actively choosing to let it ruin his life and your life by ignoring treatment. That would be true for diabetes and it is true for mental health. You would not be leaving him for HAVING the disease, you would be leaving him for refusing to do what is necessary to keep the disease from effecting your life together. This is a huge distinction and one that took me a long time to figure out as well.

You are never responsible for someone else's happiness. He is sick, but refusing to consider treatment even knowing the damage he's causing. Your health matters, and you need to leave to protect yourself.

You would leave though if a diabetic person would not get help, wouldn't take medication, wouldn't monitor their blood sugars, kept running up debts because they kept being sick and off work. You'd get frustrated with the for not taking care of themselves and making their life shorter. You'd insist they go to the doctor's and get it sorted out, and you'd eventually feel like you do now if they didn't. It's exactly the same.

I had the same thought with my ex husband- even told him that if he had cancer or diabetes, I wouldn't leave him, so why would it be different just because the illness was in his mind and not his body?

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But when we finally split up, I realized that, while my analogy was true, I would ALSO not stay with him if he were diabetic and refused to monitor his blood sugar levels, or didn't take his insulin. He had a way to at least REDUCE the impact of his illness on himself and us, but he didn't. He's making himself sicker, and making me pick up the slack.

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I saw him last night- he's giving me money for the divorce in bits and pieces because he insists on paying for it, but can't be trusted to save that much cash without blowing it on some impulse. The person he is now is nowhere CLOSE to the man I married, I couldn't even look at him, he is so... ill. And I suspect is "medicating" with drugs, which are seriously counterproductive (I think it's meth, but I didn't ask, nor do I want to know) I can't save someone who doesn't want to save himself, and neither can you. He needs to make some effort as well.

I'm not a super fan of myself, but I love my family and always try to give them the best of me. I would never uproot them, even if it greatly benefited me. Your husband may be depressed, etc, but he is acting like a narcissist by projecting that outward to actions that are causing you harm.

You wouldn't be leaving him because he's sick. You'd be leaving him because he refuses to deal with the sickness adequately. Figuring out depression medication isn't a "once and done" deal - you have to adjust dosages (and that takes some time since the body has to adjust), maybe try a different med completely & adjust dosages with that med, etc. And regardless, this guy just refuses to stay in a damn job, tells you to live the housewife life, but doesn't give you security. There are plenty of depressed people out there who keep working their jobs even though they're unhappy.

You've indicated a few things that you seem to think are "non-negotiable". Like "leaving him isn't an option" and "Its not really a possibility for me to make much more then 20k a year" - and I think both of those are bullshit. You can almost certainly make more than that, but probably not in retail - you just need to get some stability under your feet and start in some career. You really need to work towards building earning potential, because as long as you have almost no earning potential, then you're totally dependent on this guy you've married. At the very least, don't have kids with this guy (or don't have more kids if you've already got some). And though you might like the housewife life, I've gotta tell you that's not an option for you, at least not with this guy.

And yes, you can leave this guy. As your spouse he should be doing everything he can to address his health problems that are massively affecting your life - and he's not. The longer you stay with him, the farther in a hole you're going to be - because there's zero indication that he's going to change. I left my first wife for similar reasons, and though I loved her, it was the best choice I've ever made. Now, 10 years later, I'm married to someone who's healthy and functional, and the difference is night and day.

As others have said, while the mental illness isn't his fault, his choice to not seek treatment for it is his fault. He's passively choosing to not get better, and that choice is harming you and your relationship with him. You don't have to stick around for that.

A darkness carried in the heart cannot be cured by moving the body from one place to another.

Wow this truly resonated with me. I recently broke up with my boyfriend. Parts of it was that he was depressed but did not want to see it. Used work as a distraction from himself. Never did he feel comfortable sitting still because of the dark thoughts that would take over. This saying will be in mind forever. Thank you.

His mental illness is the issue here. Until he gets effective treatment this will continue.

You also need to stop letting him make unilateral decisions for you, or agreeing to his terrible ones (like you staying at home when his income is so unreliable, or moving for a job that isn't going to fix his depression).

If I were you I'd lay out an ultimatum - intensive help and treatment for his mental health issues or divorce.

I think that is what this is all about. I truly feel he needs inpatient treatment for a couple weeks to get him stable. I have feared that he would hurt himself for a long time and that is the biggest reason I don't make that ultimatum. his depression is holding me hostage.

for now. I'm going to take the indirect advice of everyone and look at getting my self employed. I hate this.

And what happens when he leaves this job after you’ve found employment and uproots you again?

You need to lay things out for him clearly with how his actions are affected you, and that it can’t continue to happen, and that if he doesn’t seek help, what the consequences will be (you leaving, or separation, or whatever it may be). And then you need to be prepared to stick to it.

You can’t be responsible for his decisions to not seek treatment or hurt himself or anything else. He’s a grown man. Yea, he is sick, but he is responsible for his healthcare.

If you are truly worried, maybe having him committed is a last resort if he makes any sort of threat.

If you have 20 years experience, you may want to consider management jobs. It will be more time, but you're going to need stable employment. Both of you worrying about money will make everything harder. You may even get health benefits, which could in turn help your husband.

In addition to contributing towards the house bills and food etc. You should open a secondary bank account to save "a little extra" just for you. This can become an emergency fund in the future or spend it on something you enjoy... But put something in there every paycheck. No matter if it's just a few dollars or more....

You absolutely, positively cannot -- cannot -- rely on him. You must continue to work on your career and self and putting money away. That is the single most important thing you can do right now. Take care of yourself first. THEN, worry about him. He needs an ultimatum -- treatment or you're out. It's really his decision, right? So you are not forcing this on him. Look, I dealt with this husband for over 20 years. I couldn't fix him. But eventually he was bringing me right down with him. I thank my stars that I stayed employed, kept a decent career, and we saved money. Because when I did finally realize I had to leave, that's what let me do it and saved me. I'm not saying that is definitely your future, but it very well could be if he continues to refuse help. And that is out of your hands. But what you can do is protect yourself. A good solution in any case.

This doesn't really sound like depression to me though, I can't imagine someone whose depressed managing to go through all the work of applying to these different jobs and meeting different people. It almost feels like a manic episode maybe. Could be that he's bipolar and he's being treated for depression only. I don't know, just doesn't seem to fit the profile of a person with depression to me.

What I do think is you should have a conversation about this with him and try and get into some sort of therapy with him. Everyone on this sub is so quick to say cut all contact and run away because they're coming out of bad relationships themselves. I wouldn't say you're necessarily going to be able to work it out but I think you ought to at least give it a shot especially because this isn't some case of physical abuse. I don't think he's maliciously trying to hurt you either, it's a mental health issue.

Everyone on this sub is so quick to say cut all contact and run away because they're coming out of bad relationships themselves.

No, people are saying it because OP’s spouse is dragging her down with him, & she has resigned herself to sinking with the ship. She is worried about homelessness because her husband insists that he is the provider for the family, but his unmanaged mental health issues are preventing him from having steady employment. Just because he’s not maliciously choosing to put OP through this & just because he’s not physically abusing her doesn’t mean it’s something she should just keep “giving it a shot” to make it work. Yes, relationships require work, & no, you don’t just leave when things get difficult - but you don’t just tie yourself to an anchor & say, “welp, guess this is my life now” when your partner is letting your lives fall apart because he doesn’t want to acknowledge his own problems, either. “Just give it a shot while he continues to uproot your family & move for a job that he’ll quit in a few weeks” is not fair advice to OP.

ADHD and bipolar both have mood swings, but bipolar swings tend to be more long term (weeks or months) and somewhat independent of what's going on in your life. ADHD mood swings come from emotional regulation difficulties so they'd tend to be more short scale (several swings in a day or week) and caused by external events.
They can also be comorbid.

Given how many layers are involved I don't think you can really compartmentalize the symptoms that way since they are separate disorders all linked with common underlying mechanisms and/or issues. Researchers and doctors don't even fully understand how these illnesses/disorders work yet due to the many factors at work. Who knows maybe they are each caused by the same root causes and depending on that person's brain structure, they are affected in certain ways? I guess we'll (hopefully) find out in time what the real deal is.

Anyways, I think we may be getting a bit off track, I just more wanted to let the OP know that these illnesses are not as simple as saying "so and so has this disorder or that specific disorder" since they are constantly updating the DSM and have to keep on re-evaluating what meets the 'criteria' for someone to be diagnosed with a particular disorder/illness. Also, it's good to understand the complexities involved as it can allow for better clarity of one's situation which can lead to better outcomes, and etc.

Anyways, just my two cents. Cheers.

Edit: After re-reading your comment a few times, I think I may have over-thought what you said a bit. Basically you are correct, the 'typical' cases of both disorders tend to be more differentiated in the way that you described, but they can be co-morbid as well like you said; where they begin and end is a whole other story and is sort of what i was trying to get at, but that information may came off a bit confusing to people only starting to investigate these illnesses as possible causes/contributing factors to their life problems.

You need to think about what you are going to do when no one will hire you because of all the job hopping. If you were at your last few jobs less than 3 months they aren't going to hire you to the position you're used to after a while.

Is he sucidial? Do you honestly think he's going to hurt himself? If you honestly think he's in danger call arpund to the psych doctors in your area and find out what inpatient centers they recommend (not all are equal, trust me. Been there. Done that.), you shouldn't need to be a patient to get a recommendation.

Then drive him there and get him evaluated.

If he refuses to go or you think he will you can call the police to have them transport him, but the laws for involuntary commitment vary. He probably would have to be in immediate danger to himself, but you can call your station and find out the details.

You can also take him to the emergency room for an eval. There are lots of ways to get him into an inpatient program, but the best is driving to the facility yourself. You have full control that way.

Op, have you ever considered your husband could be bipolar? What you’re going through sounds a lot like my childhood. Unfortunately, my dad never changed and moves every year to this day though he refuses to take his medicine.

The longer bipolar people are not properly medicated, the less effective mediation is/less likely they will take it. It will get worse. It’s clearly ultimatum time: he begins to care for himself or divorce and mean it. It might be the only thing that saves his life.

It’s a tough situation to be in for sure. I know you mentioned looking for a job, do you think that could alleviate some of the stress on the relationship financially? Also it can take some time for mood stabilizers to really start working.

I am no Dr by any means but from experience with an ex who was bipolar, the medicine is in constant flux and adjustment until the balance is met, and even then there is some ups and (mainly) downs but no where as near as severe. So he needs to go back in for multiple visits and stick with it, for his sake and yours.

IMHO you need to sit him down, maybe reassure him that you are there for him like you have been in the past but say things need to change. Tell him everything youve said in this thread. Maybe explain that because he is acting like his overachieving father and not "settling" he is picking his need to overachieve versus stability for his family and that really isnt cool. He is basically being overly selfish, not that you probably want to tell him that, but his needs to achieve something great is causing things for your family to be bad and has a real life consequence.

Also if the job market takes a turn for the worse, he may find it hard to find new jobs due to short stints at these old workplaces depending on what type of work he does as it looks terrible on a CV. Luckily right now any type of skilled work is easy to find a new job but that could easily change and then youd really be in trouble.

Look, you’re 1000% enabling him. Of course he feels the pressure to provide for his family since you’ve both agreed you’re going to stay home even though you clearly can’t afford to live comfortably on his salary alone. You say you’re “career retail” but you hate it and it makes you unhappy??? Why is that your career then? What did you want to do with your life before you met a husband who wanted to provide for you? Honestly, if you want things to get better, you need to stop thinking that you’re going to be a housewife and look into finding a career you actually like to pull your weight and support your family. It’s completely unfair that you’ve agreed to put the whole burden on him.

This OP. You say "career retail," but you don't make more than 20K a year. You could get an office job and make more than that, probably. My first job after working retail with only a high school education paid $27K. Even a secretary or receptionist can make more than 20K a year. You should be applying for higher paying jobs or building your skillet so that you can bring in the money, because clearly your husband is not going to be the provider.

I’m a full time student who works retail/food service part time (full time during breaks/summer) and I made over $24k last year. I’m not buying it, OP. You can and should do better. Your husband’s depression is making the situation far worse of course, but it’s not the main issue I’m seeing by a long shot.

Honestly, unless you are staying home to look after kids (and can't afford childcare), getting even a part-time job could help out. He is feeling a lot of pressure to provide, but if you bring in some money, it could give him some wiggle-room to not feel like the burden is completely on his shoulders.

He say he may prefers you stay home, and maybe he does believe it. But it is hard to have so much riding on his shoulders if he is also suffering from depression.

There is no advice to give that you’re going to be receptive to hearing. Your husband is the one that needs to step up & manage his own mental illness. Short of getting him committed into an inpatient program (which I’m not sure is possible for an adult), there’s nothing you can do to compel him to address this problem. You can beg, cry, issue ultimatums, whatever - but you can’t make that decision FOR him.

So what’s left is to make the best possible decisions for yourself, which, again, is not advice that you want to hear. Secure your own source of income, & don’t move again once you have a job. Don’t let yourself go down with the ship out of loyalty to a husband that isn’t pulling his own weight.

getting him committed into an inpatient program (which I’m not sure is possible for an adult)

Sure it is. All you have to do is convince a doctor he tried to kill himself and they'll keep him for three days minimum, longer if they determine at the end of that period that he's still a danger to himself. This is, to be clear, an incredibly evil thing to do to someone and I do not recommend it, but it's definitely possible.

Your latter suggestion is, I think, the right one: OP needs to secure her own life mask before attempting to help others, even her partner. A job, any job, and applying for any social services they qualify for, and stay put whether or not husband wants to move; let him be the one to show loyalty for once.

I think just blanket referring to it as an evil thing to do is not right. I know there are a lot of problems with a lot of inpatient centers and that psych holds can be damaging to people, but sometimes they are necessary. I would consider it a valuable tool to use as a method of absolute last resort. It's not a good option, but by the time you're facing that decision, there are no good options available.

I do have a pretty unusually high threshold for when I think it's acceptable to involuntarily commit people, I think, but I don't disagree - in this case I am specifically referring to the act of lying to a doctor in order to get someone committed (since OP has not mentioned anything about her husband actually being suicidal, just depressed), which IMO is just never okay.

Ah, in that case I definitely agree. Lying to get someone committed is a pretty unambiguously shitty thing to do to someone, even if they are being self destructive in other ways. OP did make a comment saying that she has feared her husband will hurt himself for a long time, especially if she makes an ultimatum, so my frame of reference was several steps ahead where her husband was actively suicidal at the time she would make the call.

Aha, I hadn't seen that comment. I personally still wouldn't unless the person had specifically asked for help or said in advance that they want to be committed if XYZ or were a danger to people other than themselves, but at the point where they're is actually actively suicidal, it's 100% an individual judgment call.

You don't have to lie. You go in, tell them what is going on and be honest. If you (or they) is sucidial, or hearing voices, or manic and spending lots of money, or whatever, they evaluate the suitation and see if it's serious enough.

The doctor will not talk to the spouse probably very much if the person is an adult, they want to talk to the patient. They need to see how rational the patient is and get the answers in their own words. To prevent people lying to them like that.

Obviously if the patient can't speak because they have lost touch with reality that much it's different. But most people with mental illness, even in psychosis have enough grip on reality to be able to describe what is going on.

If the doctor doesn't think you are bad enough for inpatient they will suggest you join their outpatient program (if they have one, the hospital I was in when I had a mixed state episode had one I went into after my inpatient stay).

Only if they determine you are truly not in crisis at all will they send you home, and they probably err on the side of caution. If they send you home they send you home with instructions to call your psych doctor right away and if your symptoms get worse to get back in there.

This is tangential to the main issue but if you have worked retail so much why not go for retail management? All that experience has to be worth something. I'd try to find something more upscale/customer-service oriented that has a low level manager like a "department head" position and try to work up in the company. After you get your husband's mental health sorted. Also: ask a doctor about the possibility of misdiagnosis. He might have bipolar or something else since the meds he is on aren't working. Best of luck.

This. I hate it when people say leaving isn’t an option. It’s always an option, OP’s just choosing to ignore it. If you’d rather stay and be unhappy, fine, but don’t pretend it’s because you have to stay. You’re choosing to stay.

In his case when a manic cycle would really get going he would stop sleeping, rant and rave, talk about magic numbers, claim to meet aliens, talk about how he was a god of one kind or another, etc.

But one of the signs prior to his first breakdown was an inability to hold a job when before he had been more stable and held jobs for years. Once he was fully out of the workforce, it eroded him and made him more depressed, desperate, and chipped away at his ego until the foundation cracked.

I feel you getting a job is most important and the next choice imo should be that if he chooses to move again, you stay. Get a roommate or find a shack to live in. I know you love him but please remember to love you more. It isn't selfish to want what you desire, it's honestly so minimal I wish I could just hand it to you. You can do this. If you really love him you'll be honest about this with him. Be strong. People who suffer mental issues will often try to be the victim, they are.. But of they're own choices. Not yours. I bet you're an amazing woman and I hope you get what you really want in life. ❤️

What is the reason divorce is not an option? Is it that you are so madly in love and so deliriously happy that leaving would be crazy? If not, divorce is on the table.

That said, you should do everything in your power to avoid a divorce, it doesn’t sound as though you’ve done much other than feed into your husband’s delusions of grandeur. You both need therapy and if you really feel a committal is in his best interests and you believe he is a danger to himself, girl...have him committed. You cannot ever be someone everything, that is way too much to ask.

Meanwhile, you need to do some things for yourself. Get a job, maybe work on a degree, you need to find something stable for yourself because you don’t want to be left with nothing in case it does come to divorce. Stop following him around and giving in to his wanting to be the sole provider. You have to actually provide for that to be a thing.

Mental illness is hard, and no, it isn’t his fault, but that doesn’t mean you should stick around and be completely miserable in the (very unrealistic) hopes that doing so will bring him the joy he craves.

Make a plan of action and stick to it. Do not continue to enable him, and for Pete’s sake make the man see a doctor about changing his medication at least!

Perhaps you should make a commitment to leave if he doesn't get therapy.

He is literally killing himself, your marriage, and your and yours kids' souls. Help is available and he won't seek it .... that would be the dealbreaker for me. If he doesn't get help, you probably can't fix it on your own. And you say leaving isn't an option .... but is staying with this situation another 10 years an option? Five? THree?

Look, I’m getting the sense your husband wants to make all the financial decisions in your relationship. He wants you to stay at home and he’ll be the head of the household and ultimately the leader.

Now, I don’t give a damn what sort of division of labor and power dynamics you have in your relationships, that’s up to you. But you only let someone lead you if you want to be lead and they are a good leader! He’s making terrible choices for you, he’s not a good leader. And that’s all there is to it.

So you now have the choice - jump off the boat and swim to a new captain, or mutiny. Sounds like you’re going the second route - so that’s it. You need to let him know that you are not going to allow yourself to be lead into financial and relationship ruin and that he is failing as a leader in your relationship. The loss of your respect alone may inspire him to do what he needs to improve (probably therapy and major life changes but I’m not a expert...). Make it clear that if he does not, you are going to take control of the ship and starting calling the shots for yourself!

I suppose I was that husband with untreated mental illness and hopped around jobs specifically in accounting. I ended up in the psych ward and it saved me. I opted into an entry level health care job, and my symptoms were immediately reduced. I hated accounting and loved health care. I flourished. As I came into my own, it became too much for her. I just didn’t need fixing anymore. She met a man online and asked me to leave.

Something I haven't seen yet in the comments is couple's counseling. Basically, each of you is going through the quiet parts of this alone; you need some kind of help tying things back together. If you can make him see the harm his failure to manage his mental illness is having on you, then maybe he'll be willing to attempt new treatments or accommodations. If he can see that you're willing to work with him on things, then maybe he'll stop feeling as hopeless on working on things himself.

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There's some way you can rely on each other that's more or less healthy, but you're going to need an outside intervening force to find it.

Has he been screened for ADHD? It can actually appear as depression in a more severe case and can co-exist with other disorders like Bi-Polar and Tourettes as well. Any weird intermittent tics he has you've noticed over the years? That could be indicative that he's on the spectrum. I'm not a doctor, but I've done a lot of research for.... personal reasons so I know a fair bit on this subject.

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Anyways, if your husband has not been screened, get him checked out ASAP. He sounds like he's barely functioning. Does he often start projects that never end up finished? that would be another sign he has it as well.

What are common reasons that makes him (or what he is blaming the behavior on/both) want to leave? Is he a kind person, but scatter-brained and seems like he's always trying, but falling short? etc. The more info the more it will be easier for me to give an opinion on what your options are and if there is anything else he may want to look into as well while treating the primary disorder.

I could be way off, but just based off the title, ADHD sparked in my mind. Jumping from job to job is common among adhders. Google adult ADHD and see if his symptoms fall into line at all. People with ADHD very often have other mental illnesses too. Therapy sounds like the best solution for him. If he won't go himself, you can start going and push him to go with you.

So many folks have given great advice, I just wanted to mention, how you looked outside of retail?

Customer service is customer service, you can look into being a service rep for businesses in an office environment. I know we hire folks in retail all the time ( we have low turn over where I work too).

Don't write yourself off just because "retail". Retail is some hard core customer service, if you are great at diffusing angry or working with difficult customers, focus on that on your resume. Issue resolution and delivering results are great skills to have.

I began doing this when i was having mental issues. You have this fight or flight feeling. I needed my wife to be there for me but instead she just started cheating and using my mental illness against me and to ultimately take my children and room my community of friends and family.

I'm guessing this guy could use a non judgemental ear. More then likely a counselor. You are probably a source of stress at this point if i were to project my anecdote into yours

If you do, please - think about how he is modeling adulthood for them. They, too, are being uprooted every year. The lack of stability really hurts kids. And they are being taught that what your husband is doing, is normal and okay. Your #1 priority should be providing stability and safety to your children. Can you honestly say that is the case right now?

You need to #1 make decisions together, especially moving - #2 be there for him in whatever way he needs - marriage is work, even if it's helping him get the treatment he needs, supporting is daily activities, or even just listening - your presence is a constant and that constant needs to remain. I've been there, nothing matters more than support and mental health awareness.

That being said - he needs to understand that he does need help other than you. He needs to seek mental health support for himself, you and your relationship to continue in a healthy direction.

It's not your job to fix everything. Please remember that. It starts with him realizing there is an issue and him wanting to do something about it. You won't get anywhere if the action doesn't start with him wanting to seek help.

You don't really have too many options here. He either gets proper treatment, you leave him or you put up with it until one of you kicks the bucket. I know you don't want to hear it but you should separate at least temporarily so he is pushed to seek proper treatment.

Focus on yourself, what career do YOU want to have? Don’t worry about your husband wanting you to stay home. You need to work, eventually your husband will job hop his way out of whatever career he currently has that allows him to support two people. You need to make sure you are financially stable and secure. Work retail during the day, go to school at night. Do something to make your own life more stable and to become more self reliant.

Yeah this is a tough one. My life was destroyed by this disorder and I finally had no choice but to get help or there’s a good chance I would have been found dead. He needs to get help immediately and encourage him to get it, don’t “tell” him to. I know this may sound unconventional but if he’s opposed to getting new medicine, look into microdosing psilocybin mushrooms. It truly helped save my life. I can send you links and more information if you want, just private message me. In the end we all have to make our own decisions and I’m sending positive vibes that he wants to get help. Good luck on your journey together

I think the best course of action would probably be to support him getting help as much as possible. Esp with depression when people are in a major cycle they often can't get help for themselves. A lot of people are saying it's his choice but I know from many experiences, not just my own, that depression usually takes away your choice. You should try to reassure him that help wont burden anyone else and that he deserves to be happy... And even offer to go to therapy with him. You could have a joint session with a therapist who specializes in depression in adults or you could go to couples therapy... You should also try having a reputable psychiatrist really analyze his diagnosis because there's a large possibility he's been misdiagnosed, and if he hasn't then the psychiatrist could at least help find much more effective meds. Not all psychiatrists are good at it so try to look at other people's reviews of the doctor. And on your own if you can try to give him positive feedback on the things he does and try to validate what he's saying and feeling. Another thing that you could talk to him about is finding coping strategies. If he had any hobbies previously that he really loved that he dropped or even something he's showed previous interest in that he could actively do would help him a lot. Another thing that really helps is exercise. It's really hard to get people to do it when they're in the midst of a cycle but if you can get him to then it releases a lot of positive endorphins and helps with a lot of mental illness... in case you're wondering my credibility I've been in therapy for 7 years and twice I went into intensive group therapy sessions 3 times a week for 8 weeks, where all they taught us was how to manage our mental illness, and I've struggled with depression and bipolar for the majority of my life. These are just the things I've learned from doing a lot of research and from being taught for 7 years what I should do to help. Also because I've met a lot of people who suffer from similar mental illnesses and I've often been the one who had to step in as the "therapy" so to speak, and to bring them back from the depths of their depression. I don't know for sure that this will help, but these are all valid things that have a good chance of helping... I hope you can help him, but if it gets too much in the end, definitely take a break for a little and notify his family that he is in need if help and that you can't do much anymore. It takes a lot out of someone to be the only one helping him... And a break doesn't have to be forever. Just if it gets too much give yourself a breather, take a vacation, have him stay with his parents or other family, etc. Good luck, and try to take care of yourself too! ♡♡

So dont leave him but set some boundaries. Like. "I have maybe 2 moves left in me, and then I'm staying wherever the hell you've put us." Its not unreasonable to eventually want to put a few roots down and catch your breath for a minute. As for his ineffective medication and refusal and at this point inability to commit to routine care for his mental illness.... IDK what to tell you other than sometimes you have to play hardball. Sometimes you have to be "cruel" to be kind. Hes not in any state to be making good choices about his care, so maybe you need to insist- strongly. Otherwise, get used to this shit. If nothing changes, then nothing changes.

If leaving him is not an option and he refuses to deal with his issues, then you probably will end up homeless then.

You're not taking this seriously enough. Stop enabling him and give him a damn ultimatum. Either he [gets legitimate medical treatment / agrees to go to therapy / promises to stop making these unilateral decisions without your consent / etc.] or you leave him. If not, he will drown you.

I mean...yes it is. If he refuses to seek help for his diagnosed medical issue, refuses to explore strategies for staying at jobs for more than three weeks, and refuses to work on the relationship, the "logical reasonable advice" we can offer you is to leave him. It's up to you as to whether or not you want to look at that as a realistic option.

OP, leaving him IS an option and it may be a good option. He is denying you stability. He is denying you the opportunity to put down roots. He is denying you the possibility of finding a satisfying career. He is denying you of having a LIFE anywhere. He is capable of seeking help for his mental illness and for years he HAS NOT. He is willing to watch you suffer and be unhappy and be distraught, so long as he doesn’t have to change himself. He wants to be the provider but he is incapable of it. He is not recognizing it and you can’t make him. You can’t save him. You can’t force him to change. But YOU can change. Please OP, don’t stay trapped in this anymore.

I know the most probable answer is depression or something along those lines. But have you ever asked him point-blank, why does he keep quitting jobs and moving onto a next one ? I'm very curious what his answer might be... Does he simply eventually always fall into the same feeling that he's disrespected at work and that's why he leaves, or is it because people end up rubbing him the wrong way and that's why he leaves work? Or is it because he didn't like being a subordinate or under a manager, does he not like authority or being told what to? Does he quit jobs because he found a better way to do a job but the manager wants him to do it differently? Or does he quit because every single workplace sucks, no matter which it is, and does not deserve someone as great as he is to work there?

Ask him point-blank, why he does this repeatedly. While we know the real answer is some form of mental illness, it might be helpful to get the answer from his perspective....

The best job that I ever did or the best thing I've ever done for myself. To provide for my family. Was going to get a commercial driver's license A to haul around tractor trailers. It brought me and my family way out of debt I now have a state job driving a class b truck which is just a dump truck. I get paid $40 an hour regular pay overtime when it comes and state rate pace depending on what state I working. I'm out of Boston Massachusetts. My state rate an hour is $70 an hour. Getting my commercial driver's license change my life. I don't struggle no More I live comfortably I'm not rich at all but I'm not struggling anymore. Maybe that's something he can look into. Or you can look into as well the field is open to both sexualities.

Hey I just want to let you know that there are more options in retail for money making. If you have this customer service experience start applying to higher end retail stores. Often the staff there make better wages or at least work commission. I’ve known a few people who left retail to transition into car dealerships or real estate (Both are just selling bigger items) there’s also lots of companies that have online and over the phone customer support work (Spotify, AppleCare etc) again pay better than a mall job but still are the same skill set. If you’re in retail this long and still making a low wage it might be worth having your resume redone or reviewed by a friend.

Why are you agreeing to uproot your life every time he wants to? It’s your life too. You’re allowed to say no. This isn’t working and you need to put your foot down on getting him to mental health services ASAP. If he refuses, then you need to reconsider that “divorce is not an option” nonsense. Divorce is always an option.

Just a word of advice - no matter how good a relationship feels (and obviously right now for you it's not great), it's never good to be 100% dependent financially on your significant other. I understand that job opportunities for you aren't widespread, but I would try to make sure (even for your own peace of mind) that you have a way to support yourself in worst case scenarios.

As an ADHDer myself, is it possible that that’s what’s going on for him? This sounds like a similar thing to what I went through before diagnosis—minus the uprooting part.

Adhd can be sneaky. Look up any of Russell Barkley’s videos on YouTube. If the SSRIs aren’t working, it could be that he’s living with a condition that pretty much guarantees depression when undiagnosed.

Your husband has screwed himself. He's almost 40 and has a 5 year history of job-hopping? It's going to take him longer than he has to pull his career out of the hole he dug for it. He's spiraling and you need to get out of there for your own well-being.

I keep changing jobs thinking the next one is going to be better, keep failing miserably. It kept me really really depressed until I realized that is just how it is in america. For some odd reason, most office jobs, you do about 10-20 hours of work a week, and have to spend the rest of the time making it look like you are actually doign something. Which drives me insane. I used to work for my dad during the summer fixing cars, and id spend about 10 hours a day actually working. I miss that aspect of being able to work, actually feeling like im doing something all day.

Office jobs are indeed often (though not always) that way, but I think you're framing this problem wrong. If you feel like you are unfulfilled in your office job, the answer isn't to just sit and be depressed in your office job, for you or for OP's husband; go try and get a job more like the one you miss! Build stuff with your hands! It's your life, do what makes you happy.