A Simple Guide to Facebook Relationship Statuses

Though February is still months away, cupid’s arrows reign
down on the Danforth Campus, hitting students in the heart, resulting in genuine
friendship or true love”¦ or more likely in the groin, resulting in drunken hook
ups. Most naturally, the WashU student body feels the need to share these
relationships with the World Wide Web. Facebook, luckily, understands that we
humans are far too complex to just have one relationship status option.Here’s a key to make sure that you are advertising
what you intend to with this status.

In a Relationship:

Those who are “in a relationship” either do not understand Facebook etiquette,
or want to show off their hot significant other to everyone that stalks their
profile.Let me clarify: “In a
Relationship” was at one point your only option to express your love on
Facebook. Now, this status is as outdated as bumper stickers. You’re
embarrassing all of the people that associate with you. Log on and change this
relationship status ASAP. This is not 2009. To the rest of you folks who are
purposely choosing this status despite its stigma, your girlfriend or
boyfriend’s pro pic is probably set at the beach, where they are showing of
their hot bods with a caption that probably says “I miss summer 🙁“.
Well pumpkin, this innocent comment isn’t fooling me. The sole purpose of that
beach shot is to remind everyone what is under the boxy shirt/bulkly sweater/military
style jacket/infinity scarf combo they have recently been strutting their stuff
in. Offensive.

Single:

This is
also a slightly embarrassing Facebook status, but this rookie mistake is easily
corrected. If you just ended a relationship, the most discrete way to wipe it
from your Facebook past is to take down your relationship status all together.
Sorry “bout the break up. But then there are a few clowns out there who are
trying to use their single status like this is match.com. Stop it. Your
relationship status is a poor excuse for a pick up line. If you are trying to
get some by flaunting the fact that you are single, it is not going to work.
Conclusion: single â‰ sexy.

Married:

90% of
those who are “married” on Facebook are not actually married. Many people who
choose this status are actually college girls who lack self confidence and
would rather flaunt their great relationships with their super fun girl friends
than accept that they are not only single, but have no guy prospects. Ouch.
Sorry if that one hit too close to home.

Engaged:

This is
potentially the most underrated relationship status, as far as awkwardness is
concerned. Do you know what is the worst? When people who are actually dating
think it is funny to make “engaged” their relationship status. I know we go to
school in Missouri, and country music is now an acceptable obsession, but don’t
pretend you’re getting hitched before you are of legal age to consume that JD.
Most people will not know if this relationship status is a joke or not. You are
also automatically tagged as that super cuddly couple that everyone wants to
vom at because you are so in love. Get a room.

It’s complicated
with:

This is a relationship status that should NEVER be used seriously. So
what if this is the definition of most relationships at Wash U. So you hooked
up with this guy three times, got coffee with him at Einstien’s, and then slept
over in his room after semi formal when you were both black out. Things may be
complicated, but NEVER send a request to that Sigma Chi you are fooling around
with to enter an “It’s complicated” relationship with you in arguably the most
public of settings. You will be shunned.

In a Domestic
Partnership with:

Hey everyone! Facebook is politically correct! Facebook
recently inserted this relationship status to give a shout out to all of their
gay fans. How Lady Gaga-esq! Unbeknownst to Zuckerberg, gay people can also be
“In a relationship” or even “Married” (shout out to my lefties in MA!). As
progressive as the newest addition to Facebook relationship statuses is, it may
not be the first choice for many gay couples. If you are in a domestic
partnership online, my guess is that you are flaunting the fact that you hang
out with your best friend so much, you may as well be dating.

Omitting the
Relationship Status:

Caution- Only omit the Facebook status
if you can live up to the standard of cool you are committing yourself to.

You mysterious little bitch! What? So are you like an AEPi
groupie or something, who can’t decide which guy in the house you prefer to
hook up with? Are you non-committal and can’t make it official with the guy
you’ve been “kind of together’ with for five months? Or have you just finally
realized that who you are in a relationship with does not need to hang like a
marquee on the top of your Facebook profile? If you are in the latter group,
kudos to you. You have reached a stage of nirvana that the rest of us meager
Facebook addicts will not reach until Facebook becomes the new MySpace.

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