RECALL MADNESS

Conspiracy or a lone eggman?

As a stunned nation grieves over the tragic egging of Arnold Schwarzenegger at Cal State Long Beach this week, wild rumors are swirling about what really happened.

FBI and USDA investigators insist the egg was hurled by a lone assailant on the sixth floor of the university's bookstore. But several witnesses claim there was a second egg thrower on a grassy knoll along Schwarzenegger's path.

A report by the Warren Buffett Commission rejected the second eggman theory, but critics remain skeptical. After watching Channel 9 News broadcasts in which the assault was replayed in slow motion and from different angles, they ridiculed the Buffett Report's conclusion that a "magic egg" bounced off three other people before hitting Schwarzenegger.

"Clearly, there was a second egg lobber, and clearly there is a conspiracy to cover it up," said director Oliver Stone, who is planning a movie about the attack. "This was a left-wing power grab. Like most Californians, I was shocked when it happened. I think people will always remember what they were doing when they first heard the tragic news."

In a related story, Green Party candidate Peter Camejo has called for mandatory background checks on anyone attempting to buy "deadly shell-encased chicken embryos."

Feel the love

If Peter Ueberroth hopes to recover from his dreadful performance in the first candidate debate, he needs some celebrity help. We recommend an endorsement from actor Bill Murray, who apparently is a big admirer of the former baseball commissioner. For instance, in a 1997 Chicago Sun-Times interview, Murray vowed to dance on Ueberroth's grave after he croaks.

"When Mr. Ueberroth passes from this planet, as we all will, if I'm still here, I'm going to have a small recreational vehicle full of people," said Murray. "We're going to find that gravesite."

Murray's fondness for the Uebinator dates to the 1984 National League pennant championship between Murray's beloved Chicago Cubs and the San Diego Padres. Although the Cubs had a better record, Ueberroth gave home-field advantage to San Diego because Wrigley Field had no lights for televised night games. (The Padres went on to the World Series).

"That's when baseball really started plummeting," Murray grumbled in another interview.

Viva Los Latinos

The candidates keep looking for new and improved ways of reaching out to Latino voters.

For example, Republican Tom McClintock has begun talking about the hardships he endured as an immigrant from White Plains, N.Y. And Gray Davis, not content with reversing his position on driver's licenses for illegal immigrants (his sixth flip-flop since the recall started, according to pander watchdog Kimberly Kindy of the Orange County Register), is planning to swap his dull suits for a mariachi outfit.

Meanwhile, over the Labor Day weekend, comedian Gallagher paid $3,000 -- no joke -- to have an airplane cruise past California beaches with a banner that said "Bote por Gallagher" (Vote for Gallagher). He said he also supports requiring a Spanish version of the "Star Spangled Banner" to be sung at half of all sporting events.

Late-night blotter

From David Letterman's Top 10 Schwarzenegger Debate Conditions:

9. Long breaks to allow screenwriters to craft candidates' responses.

8. Debate ends when gasoline truck plows through wall and Arnold gets everyone out just before the whole place blows up.

7. Candidates may use their time to show 90-second clip from "Terminator."