i cant believe this has happened. i talked to her last night and she seemed okay. we were making plans. i cant stop thinking about all the things i wish i could have told her, how she was the only one that ever made me feel accepted in my own skin, that she was my sister, and i loved her more than anyone else in this world. we have been friends for 17 years. i had no idea. i dont understand why. why did she have to do it this way?

never been so thankful for music, or my family. what little is left. it astounds me at how much things have changed in just a short amount of time. i never thought i could be so consumed by certain emotions that when you sit back and just look, you cant help but smile, no matter how shitty everything else is. no matter how many things i wish could change, or would change, i just smile. i never knew it would happen to me, and if 2 years ago, you told me i would feel this way about him, i would have called you the biggest liar on the face of the planet.

i definatly didnt complete my new years resolution, but i guess who really does. i still havent been able to change the things about myself that i wanted to change. insecurities are a bitch. and not knowing is definatly not the best thing. they say ignorance is bliss, but its really not.

im in an odd mood tonite and i dont know why. i wish i could be everywhere at once, and do everything i want to do. i just dont have the energy.

maybe my best friend is right. maybe i should just forget about it. about all of this. about my dream. i think he's getting cold feet anyway. god dammit. i just want to be loved. i just want a family of my own. why do i feel like im being yanked around by a string wrapped around my heart?

it's odd. why is it that everytime iam in this house, i find myself sitting in this same broken chair, thinking about everything that is going on? yet, i dont really think about it when i sit anywhere else for long period's of time.

i sick of smoking these fucking ciggerettes, and im sick of this feeling in the pit of my stomach. sometimes, i wish i could get people to talk instead of listen. i need a new routine. maybe im just feeling restless again. i dont want this goodness to end, but i still have this lingering feeling, that its going to slip away, right in-between my fingertips and into the arms of another. just like it always does. i have never felt love like this before, and that terrifies me.

do i always ramble about the same old shit? god, have i gotten boring? shoot me now, please. oh, and with a side order of fries too. possibly an apple pie?

Tortured By her past. Shattered By Her presentLeft to die, to drown in the sorrows.One more pillOne more drinkTo take it all awayIt was dry to herJust like the loveTHe love never feltby anyone but themthey gave her lifethey gave her deathwho was whowho cared? who loved?grave to grave, and shadow to shadowDug her own grave for himLay her down to rest.

Love Is a scary thingYet, So beautiful. Almost as beautiful as him. Beautiful from the inside out. Opposite of her. Ugly from the outside-in. The scars run deep and hard. The Razor Cuts the skin, and drags along. Drags along like the time wasted by her. What to do and what to say. Its all just a whirlwind of amazement. Falling from the stars and out of the sky.Into his arms she wants to fly. falling down is where she is. To the depths of whats below. No one can save her. She has to drag deeper. raising up is what she does. but cant. Save her if you can.

What the hell is wrong with me?

and.....

Pictures...

A Picture Jason Took That I Adore

Awwwe, He's Asleep... No, really, he was.

On The Phone, With My Bestest Good Homie, Anna

I Managed To Get One Where He Didnt Look Like Someone Ran Over His Pet Penguin...

why do I persist on torturing myself so much? I wonder about alot of things that I really shouldn't wonder about. She's so much prettier than I am, and sometimes I find myself wondering if, not only does he still love her, but, if I'm hearing the same things she heard. It TERRIFIES me to think, that I'm just another statistic, or just another lay. Outside minds, have me so confused, and make me wonder about everything. Especially, if I am good enough. If I can make him happy. I sometimes think that my brain is what gets me into so much trouble. But at the same time, I sometimes think my brain might help me keep from getting hurt. Keep me from being thrown into a spririling abyss that I wouldn't be able to handle. I CANNOT handle another HIM. And I refuse for that to happen. I cannot handle my brain pulling my heart into a million different directions. And it shocks me that when I lay in bed at night, I wonder if things would have been different, if I had left. But, I didnt leave. And everything happens for a reason. I just cant help but think "what if?" and once again, I find myself questioning the things going on in his head, because silence TERRIFIES me, and its hard to find anything except SILENCE. This will probably upset a couple people, but, I figure it would be better to just get everything in my brain out. At the same thing, I cant get everything out. I dont want to scare him off, and I especially dont want to piss him off. I wish I could shut myself down.

My head feels like it's going to explode, and yesterday I woke up sick. I begged Jason to come over last night, a night early, because I was so sick. Apparently, I kept him up half the night, moaning in pain in my sleep. I also started my new job today. I work again tomorrow. Mom also left town for a week or so, and left the house to Jason and I. Whenever she comes back, I'm going to sit her down, and talk to her about when she leaves for florida, for a few months, between september and december, and comming back whenever, if she will just let Jason and I stay in the house, pay 200 a month rent, plus utilities. Just to take a little off of daddy.

why is there no silver liner? why does everything have to hurt? why did you have to lie? why can't i turn back time? why do my intestine's feel like they are going to fall out? why am i so scared? why cant i sleep? why cant i eat? why cant i think? why cant i leave? why am i lonely? why dont YOU care? why cant i not care? why is this tearing me apart? why cant i just pretend everything is okay, just like YOU can? why am i even still alive?

i dont know how many times i have to say iam sorry. i just wish i could have everything back to the way it used to be. i love you so fucking much but you dont want to see that. you would rather shatter my heart into a million pieces.. i just dont know what to do anymore. how in the fuck do i get over you? how!? how can you sit there and tell me your not hurting. how can you do this to me? i cant believe i lost my husband and my best friend in one fucking blink of an eye. why wont you just put me out of my misery?

i didnt say goodbye. maybe i should have. no, saying goodbye wasnt necessary. it hurts knowing i wont wake up to you kissing my eyelids, or rolling over to see your beautiful face. im going to miss you scratching me with your un-shaven face at 6am, urging me to atleast wake up enough to give you a kiss. im going to miss your random phone calls where you say your at work, then 30 seconds later you walk through the front door. i already miss anxiously awaiting your arrival home from work, so you can keep me warm. i couldnt stand to say goodbye.

i cant understand why i cant stop crying. i know it isnt forever, but i also know that 2 hours already feels like forever. its always the little things, isnt it?

what doesnt kill me, will only make me stronger

are you sure this wont kill me? will we still be as close?

i guess now i can look forward to our 3am conversations, that we havent been able to have over the phone in 3 months.

seeing that bus pull away, is what shattered my heart. im pitiful, and for once i dont care.

well, the good news has finally arrived... i can talk adult ed, and then go back to survivors in august for my pre-ged's and then take my g.e.d. in like september i think. which is awsome, because not only will i get all the extra practice and work, but i can still get my diploma. i dont mind the extra schooling, i actually like school. *shrug* maybe things really are looking up for me.

i get paid tomorrow, and hopefully i can get a new phone. we'll see. all depends on how much money i have after i goto the used book shop and pick up a couple books to study.

I feel your breath on my shoulder. Your weight crushes my body into the suede velvet beneath us. Your left hand wrapped around my neck, squeezing. My lips brush against your ear. Cold steel presses against my right temple. I whisper to you, how much I love you for doing me this final favor. Your weight shifts, and then I see your face. I'm lost in your eyes, two tempest green oceans swallowing me whole. Your black hair tickles my face, which is now beginning to pulsate with blood, your hand still wrapped around my throat. Your face lowers to mine, our lips meet, your mouth covers mine, and I feel the air being dragged out of my lungs. I hear the click, click, click of the hammer being pulled back. For a split second our tongues meet. Then you're looking at me again. Your eyes, I'm drowning again. You smile at me, I smile back. You lean in to kiss me. My World Goes Black.