So, how can we "crack the code" and better understand what would help a couple increase sexual intimacy?

What is clear, from jokes on late night TV, to what one could call "conventional wisdom" is that men want more sex and women, over time, cannot be bothered, right? Not so fast... Out of The University of Chicago, Dr. Edward Lauman, a professor of Sociology, along with a team of researchers, conducted extensive studies and surveys on sexuality entitled: "The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in The United States."
Among the findings, many themes emerge that help each gender understand the other better. (For the purpose of this column, the focus is on a heterosexual, married or long term partnered couple as most of the research thus far has been on this pairing.)

So, how can we "crack the code" and better understand what would help a couple increase sexual intimacy? Men and women do think differently about sexuality. We are biologically wired in different ways: for instance, the female lioness as well as the female human needs to be more "discriminating" about her partner as it is she who will become impregnated, bear and raise the cubs/children and depend to some degree on the male to protect/ provide for, her and her cubs.

Simply put, for women, the most important sexual organ is the brain. That is, women need both small and regular gestures from her partner that say "I love and value you"-- from taking the groceries out of the car to cooking for her. For women, foreplay begins in the quality and regularity of the "emotional intimacy" of the marriage. Often, men do not realize that in order for his wife to feel safe and valued and want to become sexual with him, she needs to feel that he cares about the "little things" that add up to a "big thing" ( working to create and maintain an emotionally and sexually available marriage).
In a study reported recently on WebMD entitled: "Surprising Turn-Ons For Women," conversation and emotional intimacy scored at the top of the surveys. These two things are intimacy for women.

For men, think of it this way: What if someone came to you at your job and offered to teach you how to do less and have twice the pay.....would you try it? Men do not need to solve their partner's problems, nor run around "guessing" at what their partner needs and wants. Active, available "listening" to your partner is the best thing you could give her on a regular basis.

If your wife/partner asks for advice, then try to give it; otherwise, what she really wants is for you to listen to her. If you continue to build on emotional intimacy, it will go hand in glove with sexual intimacy in your partnership.

For women, the nonsexual display of affection is a form of foreplay, as well: Holding hands while walking, rubbing her shoulders or feet at the end of the day. These gestures translate to women: "He loves me, he cares about my well-being" -- not just to have sex.

It is true that men, according to the research mentioned above from the University of Chicago as well as other studies, do score higher in libido and the wish to engage in sexual contact more frequently. Healthy women score fairly high in libido, as well, however women's sexuality is described as more complicated than men's.

For instance, women with higher levels of education are found to be more interested in sexuality in general than their less educated peers. The University of Chicago research also found that many women misunderstand male sexuality. For their part, many men do not disclose some of their motivations for wanting more sex, and often they are not aware of these motivations themselves. So, for women, imagine that your husband had a "sandwich style advertisement board" hanging from his shoulders. It would say: "I want more sex in our marriage because:

-This is the way that I feel loved
-I get held this way, and reassured in an important way that gets through to me
-I feel sexually desired by the one woman I chose for life
-I feel validated as a man
-I get calm knowing you really love me (which is why I am in a better mood or sleep better that night)
-I am assured that there is no other man more important to you than I am
-I know that I am the center of your attention (putting aside household/children/work for a time)
-I cannot yet tell you these things; I need for you to show me your love
-Sex is my connection to you
We are all wired for connection. Men and women both want the same result. Couples who have figured this out have the best connections -- sexual and emotional. Couples who have figured this out create a sacred couples time for checking in, for talking and listening, for small gestures and affection and for connecting sexually. As the marriage is the glue that holds the entire family structure together, it follows that to work towards these goals is both attainable and extremely important.Susan Hartman Brenizer, MA, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical fellow, American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.