A New Home

Author: elli

As the weeks go by, I can’t help but become more frustrated! Less & less do my past passions seem real. I was young, naive (okay, still both). Unable to understand the extent of what I proclaimed. But coming face to face with pain — it’s hard not to think of anything else other than the pain. And that truth, those passions = dust. Popped, withered, scattered around. Trampled on. Lifeless. Not true to me now!

Yet, God has set me up for this. I see it every day. While my flesh wants to react against it – no, there’s no way out of this. It hurts! That’s all! …My Father raps my shoulder to show me – “Did I not introduce you to certain words, certain people, certain ideas from a young age (those “dusty passions” you threw off so quickly) for this very moment? You fell head over heals for the powerful, steadfast women who soothed you then and are trying to soothe you now. Corrie, Elisabeth, Amy, Rose Marie, Martha… their words lights to you in your emotional distresses, now beacons in your physical and fear. Can’t you remember the truth? Can’t you remember the words in the Book? The truth, the life, the freedom… They’re real. I can handle it. Trust.”

Alas, my issue from years ago haunts me still… But it doesn’t FEEL LIKE IT, God! I just want it to be OVER! To this, I haven’t had an answer and I know I don’t get one. What I get is this: trust everyday. The pain is temporary, but life is eternal.

“So we must listen very carefully to the truth we have heard, or we may drift away from it.”

Well, for those who know, you know I process a lot by writing. And I haven’t been writing, so I don’t think I’ve been processing a lot. It’s been quite the past couple of weeks so I cannot truly imagine all of the things I have been refusing to process.

However, as usual, God arrested me and forced me to stop and to think about everything happening in my life. BUT he forced me to look at it differently. I have been thinking about things, but through this lens of negativity. Everything had bumps, ditches, hurdles, crashes, pitfalls – everything was negative. It was like I couldn’t win!

And I did feel isolated for quite some time. What with my health dragging me down and ministry crumbling to bits – I felt like a failure trying to put out raging forest fires with no knowledge of how and only holding a watering can for help. God did not feel close.

As I read the Word – he sometimes appeared. I read through Genesis and it was fun! But, he was so far away. That was so long ago. Yet, he still made his attributes known. But then I felt like he wasn’t here even still! Who were we to care about! In middle of nowhere Ohio with a bit too much pride and hardly any gifting, with no experience and low IQ’s, with hardly any energy and no insight – who were we to help?? I started feeling like the world was very big and I was very small and stuck in a tiny box – doomed to repeat and repeat and repeat and to burn and burn and burn.

So, it all seemed like it was going to shit in my head. Until this week. I started getting some divine intervention, I would call it.

I got a diagnosis. My health has been dragging me down for a while – it’s felt like a chain around my legs, my arms and sometimes my throat. I couldn’t do some many things (still can’t) that I expected to do. Yet, they kept coming and I didn’t know how to live! BUT – finally – after all of the doctors and all of the months, it turns out I wasn’t CRAZY! And it seems, as of now, to be a pretty straightforward diagnosis with next steps! I am not dying like I have felt every day since August! And soon, I will see a doctor that can help.

I saw Prati. At just the right time, as I was about to crumble under exhaustion and pressures – Prati walked into the door. It wasn’t long, but it was enough to remind me of so many things in my life. Her presence is so encouraging in itself, but so many truths rushed back into my head from even seeing her! She held me, she told me she loved me and missed me and that in itself was just too much. I remembered what she told me: I am special – God views me as his prized possession, He wants me, He loves me, I am not here by mistake, I am loved by the creator himself, I have a plan, I have things in my heart that were given to me by him, I have so much! And I am so thankful she came in to save the day – literally sent by God. There’s a piece of me that says – it was random and she was there for business and it actually didn’t feel that special. Maybe true, but there is no denying the truths that came out of that interaction aren’t real. And life changing. And peace giving.

On my way home from (another) long day of work, I started listening to a teaching about: If our lives actually matter. He started by asking the questions: Doesn’t life just feel repetitive & pointless? Do you ever feel like you’re just living to work, only left with looking forward to vacation next year? What makes our lives significant? And he then applied it in some weird ways but used Luke 14 – where Jesus tells the host don’t invite your friends, “instead invite the poor, the crippled, the lame and the blind. Then at the resurrection of the righteous, God will reward you for inviting those who could not repay you.” — for some reason this just hit me. When Greear asked those questions – that is how I had begun to feel about life! I felt like it was just another day, another task, another hurdle and it will all reset for tomorrow. Life felt lifeless. But then I realized that the answer to the question – what makes life worth it – was right in front of me! — PEOPLE. People are what makes life worth living! Not the job, the annoyances, the vacations, the money, your youth, the fun, the whatever – no, it’s the people. And God really struck me in the heart with that. How many people do I interact with per day? How many times have I overlooked someone who was perfectly placed in my life? How many opportunities have I missed to give to someone? Man, all these questions made me not guilty, but HAPPY. Happy that I don’t have to just go from one thing to another, but that I can look into a person’s eyes, see them the way God sees them and rejoice. For this is my purpose! To look out into the world and explore God’s creation. To see them as gems and jewels, come to life my God’s spirit in them. And in the process, teaching them that this is in fact who they are! This is why they are here, too! They are here to live their lives out as worshipers of God, interacting with other offspring and bringing him glory in our joy for being created!

SO, yeah – I felt stuck and weighed down. Honestly, I still do. But it wouldn’t be walking in faith if it were easy all the time, would it? I feel very fortunate to have opportunities to choose God’s ways instead of my own and despite my feelings. And I feel like God is pushing me forward, not letting me miss anything I’d regret. And I feel he is catching me before I hit the ground, right at the last second, when I’m about to crack my head open – saving me by whispering little truths into my ears to KEEP GOING. That he is there, that he loves me, that life is worth it, that people are worth everything, and to keep seeking him because it is there I will find the peace and joy I am looking for.

I am so blessed to have Jesus in me. I am so blessed to be able to interact with God – a two-way relationship where I sometimes even feel him at work in me, correcting me, encouraging me, loving me, strengthening me and more.

I cannot walk away from the day and say that God was not at work here – he is always! His hands are so obvious. And it’s so funny to think that I have wasted so many recent days on feeling hopeless and despairing. No, life with him is an adventure every step. It DOES NOT feel that way most times, but when I take a step back – there is NO denying it! God is there, he is holding our hands, he knows me, he rejoices in me and he knows where my foot will fall.

I’ve hated my head for many reasons over the years; for what goes on in it and what’s on the outside of it. But here I am, hating it even more for just what it is: a head. Full of pain.

For the past few months now, I’ve been having a lot of pain. It’s really a let-down when you hear the cause so I’ll just say it now: “complex migraine.” Yep. A migraine. Well, it’s not just any old migraine, it’s complex, ya see, just like everything else about me. (HAHA.) I’ve had migraines since high school. The usual – painful, sensitive to light/sound, throbbing, pressure, eye-watering pain… I wish those were the days now. So, this year, I kept getting them – again, then again, then again. Worse & worse & worse. Till one day, it was so bad and so long and so different, I went to the ER. I thought I was having a stroke. My left side went numb, I lost vision in my left eye, words weren’t forming, I was having trouble breathing, and I had such pain everywhere. And the world was spinning around me like I was on a roller coaster. So, to the ER we went for them to tell me nothing.

Weeks go by, and I get into a neurologist. (After my doctor also had no answers.) Even in the waiting room for the neurologist, my hands went numb. But at this point in life, it was a daily thing. My hands went numb and the room spun and my head pounded within itself all day and all night. In the room, he told me about complex migraines. Sounded right. But then, I have some previous health stuff that made it a concern, worried him that one of mine may get “stuck” so that I may have a stroke… So I got on some seizure medication. And that was stupid. I experienced spinning in a whole new way! I couldn’t drive, I was drowsy, a side effect is literally: inability to concentrate. Another one is: panic attacks. But my migraines went away… for two weeks. Only to come back full force while I was teaching my Bible study. So I stopped, sat down, and tried to stop from crying. My lips weren’t forming words. It lasted three days. Sleeping didn’t help… I had my first panic attack and my body was really cold for a really long time. And then I had another one two days later.

So, I have a stuck migraine that could lead to a stroke. What does it mean? When the pain is the hardest and my chest isn’t cooperating, then I think: this could be my last day here. And that’s scary to me. And so sad. Much more sad than I thought I’d be…

So, that’s the purpose of this blog. To confess: if I died tonight, I wouldn’t be OK with it. At all. I wrote a blog a while ago (last time I almost died) about how I WOULD be OK with that. And I would have – back then. Today, life is different. Today, I have much more invested in life. I have a life with my husband and my house. I couldn’t imagine leaving him. I couldn’t imagine leaving my friends. I couldn’t imagine leaving my family. So, I am just NOT OK with dying. God, did you hear that? He knows. And it’s terrifying. It’s challenging my view of God because now I think: will he smite me for controlling this? Since I don’t have enough faith as I thought, will he just take me out for trying to be in control? Why would be trust his work to a fearful, present-life clinging girl?

I’ve invested my life in this life. Is that so wrong? I think, as much as it pains me to say: it is. Oh yes, it is. My favorite verse that I even have tattooed on me, for Christ’s sake, refers to the hope that we have that IS NOT in this life at all! (Romans 5:5) It’s in the life to come. The “celestial city”. The life when I’m no longer flawed Elli, but completed Elli, standing next to my Father, between him and my Jesus, grasping at them, kissing their hands, as they stroke my head, assuring me that finally I can rest and everything is OK, and that peace is here with them. I’m sure laughing at all the stupid things I’ve told them over the years & asked for. Asking all the questions weighing on my heart. And hopefully, oh I hope, hearing the words, “Well done, my good & faithful servant.” That’s where I should be placing my hope. And I’m such a shallow, feelings led, limited thinker that I can’t see past the tragedy. I can’t see that no matter what, Zak will be OK without me – since Jesus will take care of him in my absence. So will my family and my friends. And I’ll get to watch them finish the fight without me, but greet them all with open arms when they are done. It’ll be so cool. Because I’ll get to live with them forever, not just now.

I always say – we get to take people to heaven, that’s it. But now, I’m kind of forced to face that for what it is: do you really believe you’ll be spending eternity with these people? Then why not be able to give them up now? Because they’re not yours. And your life isn’t yours. And God has so much for you – in heaven when you get there, whenever you get there. Just trust him.

Maybe it’s now. Maybe it’s in years. Just trust your Father who has come through on everything for you. He just wants you to trust him.

Anyway, I don’t think I’m going to die tomorrow BUT sometimes I feel like it. The pain hurts and slipping in and out of consciousness uncontrollably is quite scary. However, knowing I have peace in my best friend, my Savior, my comforter, my master, my Lord, my God… It’ll be OK whatever happens. Just thought I’d share this little part of my drama.

A couple of days ago, I finally decided to pull the plug; I deleted Snap chat and Twitter from my phone. (SHOCKING.) I still have Facebook and Instagram. My goal is, in one year, to have deleted all other apps but Facebook. (It just is so useful to communicate with people.) I still allow myself access to Twitter on my laptop and I’m assuming that alone will cut my usage of it by 75%. Why did I do this? I came to the conclusion a while ago that not only was I spending WAY too much time on my phone, I spend MORE time on it than ever before! (My addiction is growing.)

As the months passed, I continued telling myself my phone usage wasn’t that big of a deal. I mean, it’s MY down time. I think it’s fun, relaxing, and refreshing to spend mindless time on my phone. Why not get some down time for my brain? It went on like this for a while until one day I “woke up” from an HOUR session thinking, “Where did the time go? What did I just look at?” I realized I had opened one app, closed it, opened a different one, gone back to the previous one, opened another different one, etc. That was the reality of that hour: over and over again, checking for anything new, anything stimulating, anything to entertain me. And I wasted a whole hour. What did I do? Nothing. I filled my mind with literally nothing.

That’s sad. I am sad that I wasted time. Time that could have been spent with someone, thinking about someone, listening to a teaching, reading a book, studyingthe Word, actually hanging out with a person… Any number of more productive options! Instead, that hour was spent on social media/email/Pinterest/games/etc. – being mindlessly entertained.

It’s remarkable to see how far technology has gone to draw us in. I look at younger generations and I tremble: do they even know what they’re up against? Do I even understand the extent of our culture’s ability to suck mind power away from people? I can’t begin to imagine the extent, but when I try, and step back to analyze the situation, I am struck by fear. Not only is it social media, but articles, images, songs, TV shows, video games – there are so many things fighting to fill our heads.

The question is – what will we let win the battleground of the mind?

Whatever we choose to fill our heads will rule our life. Whether that is social media, video games, Netflix, online shopping – where we put our focus becomes the most important thing in our lives. Isn’t that scary? If I fill my head with useless shit I will miss opportunities, I will become numb to certain ways of thinking, my critical thinking skills will dull. I have no responses to certain people/situations, I become lazy, more selfish (than usual), heartless, obsessed with material things, wanting immediate pleasure. I’m speaking from experience, here! That is what happens to me when I don’t take the time to train my mind or when I let it run unleashed.

Take a look at these verses. They illustrate the effect our thinking has on our lives:

Romans 12 – “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”

Matthew 6 – “Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal.Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal.Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.“

2 Corinthians 10 – “For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.“

Are we going to let these things rule and waste our lives? There’s a wonderful book published in the 70s titled “The Christian Use of Emotional Power” wherein the author describes how our thoughts control our feelings which control our actions. This book convinced me that the infantile motto “I can’t control how I feel” is false. You can. Because you CAN control your thoughts. (**For the most part.) I know, every emotional teen girl would punch me for saying that, but it is possible! This truth set me FREE. Of course, it was a struggle and it continues to be a battle, but controlling your thoughts can change your life (see Romans 12 again.)

To my fellow iGen and Millenials, I hope you can also decide to win the fight that is happening to fill your head. You can take control not only in your emotions, but also in what you DO and what you let your mind SEE – you are the gatekeeper for what enters your head and you can police what is going on in there. It is your greatest weapon. Let us not be sucked away, sucked in, then thrown away by the trash we encounter. Rather, let us fill it with truth, with challenges, with gratitude.

Slowly, but surely, you will experience an enormous weight lifted from your mind, the freshness of clear-thinking, and the ability to become more like Christ.

In my experience, this is what you will encounter:

It’s hard.It is not easy. Easy is: I want to think/feel/do whatever I want! But is easy what is best for you? Is doing whatever comes naturally the best for you? (No – see Jeremiah 17:9.) But God himself says that change in character takes trials/problems – AKA things that are hard.

It takes self-control.* This is an area I fail at a lot. In my initial campaign to regain the battlefield of my mind, I took some extreme measures – some of which I still use to this day. I took breaks from the internet. Crazy. But necessary to take action like that! Accountability helps. My friends have even changed my social media passwords and held onto them for me for a month at a time so that I physically could not log myself in. Drastic times call for drastic measures. How does any good change of character come? Galatians 5 says, “the fruit of the spirit is LOVE, joy , peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!” – Self control? Hmm. Interesting. Doesn’t seem to fit there, yet it’s there. Something to think about… But also involves the next point:

It takes prayer. Why not ask God for help gaining control of our mind? Staying away from the trash we like to fill it with will take breaking our flesh. I believe nothing good happens without God, so to change in this area, we need God’s help!

It takes vulnerability. In order to “set your mind on the things above” instead of what’s on the earth (Colossians 3) means we have to regain control of our minds, and subject ourselves to God’s truth. Wait, who am I to differentiate crazy thoughts from the truth? Sometimes it’s really hard when you’re so close to the situation to tell between strong emotion and truth. That’s where PEOPLE come in! Hey, we have friends for a reason! They are there to sift through your thoughts and emotions WITH YOU. It’s loving for them to do so for you and it’s also loving for you to go to them with your sin. Getting it all out in the open creates an atmosphere of acceptance and vulnerability that is freeing and full of love – what God wants for us in the Body of Christ!

It will transform your life. I wish I could replay some of my crazy teen years for some of my new friends… would they even believe that girl was me? Of course, I am still far from perfect, but when I think about all the amazing things God has done to me I cannot help but shout to him for joy. Thank you, Lord, for setting me free from the slavery of my mind! Thank you for giving me clarity in my thoughts! Thank you for continuing to confront me with this issue that will always be a struggle! Thank you for your truth which is so much greater than anything else I can choose to fill my mind with.

Lastly, the fear I have most for us young, easily distracted, entertainment addicted people is that we’ll have calloused minds unable to be “shrewd as serpents”. With all of the issues piling up around us, on us, and on those we love – we can’t afford to have our minds taken out of the fight…

*If you find yourself struggling with phone addiction (yes, I said addiction, ugh) check out these tips. I’ve not only deleted some apps, but turned off notifications and set my phone to gray scale. I think these restrictions are useful and would fall under the self-control point of this journey.

**I acknowledge that there are certain thoughts and feelings we cannot control. These may occur from circumstances outside of us (such as abuse or even spiritual attack.) But for the purpose of this article: I’m talking about selfish things we let our minds think, which many of us think are uncontrolled, but are actually able to be tamed.