Desmond Hawk

I came up with the character Desmond Hawk some time ago and am currently working on fleshing him out. This work is unfinished as of right now but I would love some feedback.

I. His name was Desmond Hawk, or that is what they called him. He lived long ago after the great cities of the 21st century were swallowed back up by the land that they were built upon, the great civilizations disbanded and man wandered the earth no longer seeking his purpose but looking only for survival.

What few humans were left banded together in sects across planet. Communities were unstable and trust was as scarce as clean water. It was in these dark times that stories of Desmond Hawk first surfaced. His name appears several times in what little written history there is from those times. Some tell of a lone man spreading salvation from the barrel of a gun, others tell of a man protecting those without the means to protect themselves.

Of all the stories of Desmond Hawk the most frequently told in the area of The Western Rocks is the tale of Desmond and the Worshipers of the Great Cog.

II. The Western Rocks is not home to many ruins of the times of old. But many went there to seek shelter. It's streams gave them freshwater and it's wilderness gave them food. They would form small tribes in order to better protect themselves one such tribe was known as the Buho tribe, their home was a small fishing village that rested deep in a valley between two great mountains.

It is said that one day a man wandered into their camp after a long rain storm. The man wore ragged heavy clothes soaked with water, he was out of breath and could barely walk. The people of the village did not know what to do with the man, so they brought him to their Chief. Owl-Heart was a large man with long thick black hair and tribal paint covering his body he was the leader of the Buho tribe. He was a man of great strength and was heavily respected not only by his tribe but other tribes that lay outside of the valley.

When the ragged man was brought to the chief, Owl-Heart told the villagers to give the man clean dry clothes and a place to rest. They abided his wishes, but Owl-Heart was not satisfied, something troubled him deeply. Something about the man aroused and interest in Owl-Heart.

That night Owl-Heart went outside of the village and traveled to a stone that lay in the middle of a babbling brook. He sat upon the stone and listened to the water, it was believed by the Buho tribe that by listening to waters that flowed from up stream one could hear of the things to come.

III. As the sun crested the peak of the mountain Owl-Heart entered the tent of the strange man who had came to his village the day before. The man stirred from his rest and quickly stood up frightened and searching himself for a weapon.

The chief spoke calmly to the man. "We gave you dry clothes and a place to rest, your weapons are safe." "Where am I? What is this place?" The man inquired with a confused tone in his voice. "You came here after the rain, this is my village." The chief motioned to the flap of the tent and opened it, letting the warm light of the morning sun fall upon the face of the strange man. The man shielded his eyes and stood up. "You will have to excuse me, my name is Desmond Hawk and I did not mean to trespass upon your land." He then bowed to the chief. Owl-heart gave an enormous and jolly laugh. "We do not own this land, Desmond. No one owns land. We protect it and borrow from it. Anyone is allowed to travel wherever they wish as long as they do not harm the land that we protect or the people who protect it." "Yes, of course." Replied Desmond, these ideals were not foreign to him but the level of hospitality was. Desmond had encountered the other tribes surrounding the valley and had learned that they did not have the same amount of trust that Owl-heart had. "You may stay here as long as you wish. The only condition is that you follow our rules and help gather fish." Desmond had been traversing The Western Rocks for several weeks looking for shelter and solitude, however he saw no harm in staying in the small village for a short time to gather supplies and rest. "I would be honored to stay in your village." He replied to the chief while once again bowing. The chief laughed again and lead him out of the tent.

Having just read the first section (I will read more shortly, I promise!) I see a few things. First of all, the opening sentence is very cliche. Try starting out a story immediately with some type of action or dialogue, as that, in my opinion, is far better than explicitly stating the name like that.

Second, the first section is sort of breaking the entire "SHOW, DON'T TELL" rule. Don't just tell us the world has fallen apart and that the people of former great civilizations are fighting for survival, show us this. Show it through a slow unfolding of events, a conversation, or anything rather than two paragraphs of straight lore-like description.