5 reasons why Meghan Trainor’s All About That Bass is not the female empowerment song we hoped it was

By now you will have heard Meghan Trainor’s catchy ditty All About That Bass. On the surface, the song seems to be about loving yourself, but a cursory glance over the lyrics and you’ll be having a serving of WTF with a side of no thanks.

I can shake it, shake it, like I’m supposed to do
Oh, so we’re supposed to be shaking it now? Says whom? What if I don’t want to shake it? WHY AM I SUPPOSED TO SHAKE IT? *drinks heavily*

Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top
I’m not perfect. No one is. That doesn’t mean we are not awesome. In fact, it’s my imperfections that make me awesome. Jog on.

My mama she told me don’t worry about your size. She says, “Boys like a little more booty to hold at night.”
Shit! As long as a man likes my fat ass, I’m validated! Wooho- wait. I’m single. No male gaze is telling me my size is acceptable. Hmmmm, now what?

Because you know I’m all about that bass, ’bout that bass, no treble
What does this even mean? Your song would sound terrible if it had no treble. It would be all doof doof doof doof and then we’d figure you were some pimply teenage guy in a Subaru. Unless this is a euphemism, and then I guess I don’t get it.
All About That Bass is one of the most popular songs in the country right now, and yes, it’s a sweet tune and catchy as hell. But… I want something more.

We’re so close. So. Close. Next time, lets get some true body acceptance across the line.