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PH3 Run 1816 Scribe

Show Scribe Report by Sleazy

Yes, the PH3 had been waiting all year for this one: the Christmas Run! At the A-site, hares ODD-JOB, LIBERACE, and VEE GO addressed the eager pack and assured us we were about to experience an unforgettable hash run. Your scribe noted some of the more seasoned hashers clutching their heads and muttering to themselves about ODD-JOB, but this was probably just pre-run nerves.

And so we were off. Or was it on-on? Down the track and through the tapioca. The first few check points involved a multitude of back checks before the on-trail was finally located each time. By about the halfway point, KIDNEY WIPER was starting to bitch about the number of back checks he had failed to avoid, our visitors from the Philippines hash were starting to throw around German expletives, and PENELOPE PITSTOP attempted to guide the pack onto the walker’s trail. However, the hares’ careful planning was starting to pay dividends. The hashers, ably led by those front-running bastards SLAP, BEETROOT HEAD, and SPEEDO PETE, were maintained in a tight pack as they negotiated the cunning trail.

At this point we plunged down into a gully - or at least ANTIQUE did, nearly ending up face down in the watercourse that ran along the bottom of the cutting. Along the stream, a nice cool interlude from the merciless sun that had been beating down on the PH3 until that point. The hares later advised your scribe that it had taken many hours of work with machetes, fending off mosquitoes and leeches, in order to prepare this stretch of the trail. But you can’t do enough for a good hash, can you? Then out of the gully using fixed ropes and along a series of winding dirt tracks. With the strain now starting to show on many of the older hashers, the apples got rolling. APPLE CIDER and APPLE SAUCE that is. They were off, leaving GI JOE and SPERM POLLUTER spluttering indignantly in their dust. GI JOE has finally accepted that chasing the American dream does not count as exercise, and considers himself a bit of a front runner these days.

A long hairpin loop allowed some shameless, if judicious, short-cutting by THE WIZARD and DIRT LOONEY. TADPOLE laboured along the trail, hauling her load of other people’s plastic waste with her. Commendable! TELLY TUBBY was with her, but she was more interested in raiding the pineapple fields than collecting trash. ARSE-HOLEO couldn’t be arsed to carry his empty water bottle any longer so he added it to TADPOLE's load, but more of that later.

Finally on in, and the weary pack returned to the A-site for some well-earned refreshments. Apparently during sex you can burn off as many calories as running a long hash trail, but CANNONBALL reckons that's ridiculous - who the hell runs 8 km in 30 seconds? The walkers were already back and the masses now fell on the beer truck with much enthusiasm. In fact, not only was this the Christmas Run, but it was also FLYING FINN's 75th birthday and he had generously decided to sponsor a hash BBQ. Said BBQ was expertly prepared by hash chefs VV and TWO TIME, and very tasty it was too.

And so, as the light faded, on to the Circle. The hares were brought in and sat on the ice while the GM MENTAL DISORDER attempted to obtain feedback on the quality of the run. Seems the general feeling was that it was a well-laid trail and a good run out. LIBERACE was taking no chances and, in order to obtain sympathy votes, explained that he had spent 100 Baht of his own money in bribes to secure the A-site. SIR ARSE-A-HOLIC was given his license to sit, having reached 70 years of age, and Dylan was acknowledged for being first hasher home from the run.

Next up, the Raffle, ably managed by SPERM POLLUTER and CASPER in the absence of FREE WILLY. As usual, a raft of lucky winners. According to FREE WILLY by the way, unexpected sex is the best thing to wake up to - unless of course you are in prison.

The GM then resumed charge of the circle. WINDOW WANKER, NO MORE CUM, THE WIZARD and SPERM POLLUTER all did ice time on account of their sporting affiliations. A couple of Virgins were introduced. And then an appearance by Santa Claus, who rather disturbingly appeared to have an intimate knowledge of the inner workings of that notorious Pattaya establishment the TQ Bar. Prezzies were distributed to the young and the female. SCRUMPY then incurred the wrath of the GM by gobbling off excessively and ended up in the bucket for his indiscretions. SQUEEZE MY TUBE took a hit for kissing BEN 10, having been grassed up by the lad himself.

At this point the GM made way for WANK-KING'S WANKER who awarded APPLE SAUCE with her 100 Runs Hash shirt. Congratulations APPLE SAUCE ! Also recognized were birthday hashers FLYING FINN and TWO TIME (although it should be noted that FLYING FINN is Four Times as old as TWO TIME ). At FLYING FINN's insistence VV was brought into the circle in acknowledgement of his culinary endeavours. MENSTRUAL DISORDER came in with cakes for the birthday celebrants, complete with candles. FLYING FINN's powers of blowing appear to be declining, although he did later advise your scribe that the best part of a blow job is ten minutes of silence.

THE WIZARD then took the circle and called in BEETROOT HEAD, GING GANG GOOLIES, and ARSE-HOLEO. BEETROOT HEAD offloaded THE WIZARDWanker of the Week award which he acquired for some earlier nefarious deed, and THE WIZARD sought votes from the circle for this week's potential recipients. These were GING GANG GOOLIES, who arrived at last week's Jungle H3 Xmas lunch two hours early in order to get the seat nearest to the food table, and ARSE-HOLEO who decided halfway around the run today to give TADPOLE his empty water bottle which he couldn't be bothered to carry any further. It was a unanimous decision, and ARSE-HOLEO is this week's proud recipient of THE WIZARD Wanker of the Week award. Commendable! It's said that ARSE-HOLEO doesn't drink a lot, but when he does he changes into another person - and that person drinks a lot! So he may be holding this award for some time.

The Belgiums were called to the ice - only three or four of them this week as most were still recovering from their exertions as hares on last week's run. One present was MY GIRLFRIEND KNOWS I'M GAY, a no-show last week on account of getting back to Pattaya and finding his girlfriend had disappeared. MY GIRLFRIEND KNOWS I'M GAY is offering a 100 Baht reward for information leading to the relocation of the missing girlfriend. LIBERACE is on the case having identified an opportunity to recover the 100 Baht he spent securing the run site.

TAMPAX then kicked off a musical interlude with some seasonal caroling. Is there no end to the hidden talents of the PH3? Despite WANK-KING'S WANKER's best efforts to disrupt proceedings, the sounds of Jingle Bells echoed across the Thai countryside, much to the bemusement of the local population.

Back to more conventional circle matters. ARSE BANDIT charged the hares with littering, having found a discarded paint can lid, and both he and ODD-JOB ended up in the bucket. Someone earned some bucket time for losing sunglasses, but your scribe's notes were becoming increasingly unreliable by this point, and no name is available. That vicious bastard NO MORE CUM then took charge and promptly iced his buddies LONE WOLF, PHANTOM and SCRUMPY, for no better reason than taking supplies of testosterone with them on a recent motorbiking trip. CHICKEN FUCKER appeared, having mugged Santa for his suit, and quite deservedly was immediately dumped in the bucket. Actually, CHICKEN FUCKER has recently realized he's getting old when his missus suggested they ran upstairs and made love, and he had to admit that he couldn't do both. BARNACLE BOLLOCKS was also in the bucket for no obvious reason, but then it was NO MORE CUM in charge of course.

In an attempt to recover some semblance of hash order, the GM resumed control of the circle. NO MORE CUM took to the ice for excessive consumption of sausages. WANK-KING'S WANKER was also made to sit. Your scribe's notes do not reveal why as I was busy at that time obtaining additional supplies of hop-based beverage, but in the case of WANK-KING'S WANKER it is certain that he was on ice for good reason. BALL RINGER may also have been chilling his family jewels. The last down-downs were dispensed and the hash hymn was belted out, led by CANNONBALL, APPLE SAUCE, BEN 10, SLAP and others. The circle was closed and the rejuvenated hashers set off in the direction of Pattaya. Some may even have got there.