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NASCAR boring? Then start a fight

I'm starting to think that NASCAR's answer to declining TV ratings and empty seats at the race tracks might be to turn back the clock to the days when fist-fights between drivers and wreck-'em races were the order of the day.

By Norris McDonaldMotorsports Writer

Mon., April 28, 2008

I'm starting to think that NASCAR's answer to declining TV ratings and empty seats at the race tracks might be to turn back the clock to the days when fist-fights between drivers and wreck-'em races were the order of the day.

In recent years, NASCAR has gone uptown and tried catering to the country club set. As the sport has become more successful, the big sponsors and the big money have come into the sport and those folks wear three-piece suits and have their fingernails manicured when they get their hair cut - er, styled.

Which is why most of the front-running drivers these days - Jimmie Johnson, Carl Edwards, Denny Hamlin, etc. - all look and talk like UCLA quarterbacks who've majored in business administration.

The one guy who didn't fit the new mold, Tony Stewart, has been sent to anger management classes so many times he could probably teach them. NASCAR didn't like Stewart being Stewart because Home Depot (or some other multi-million-dollar sponsor) would frown at his anti-social behaviour and say that if things didn't improve they would take their money elsewhere, like to the PGA Tour.

So NASCAR finally got what it wanted - 43 to 50 drivers who pretty much all look the same, talk the same, behave the same and - well - are the same. (I really mean that. Kyle Busch won the Aaron's 499 at Talladaga yesterday and the first thing he said, the very first words out of his mouth when he got out of the car were: "I really want to thank M&M's." What is with those guys?)

Anyway, NASCAR has now discovered that 43 to 50 robots all spewing forth the same platitudinal pudding, looking the same, sounding the same and racing the same isn't working. So they are trying to recapture the past, it seems.

A couple of weeks ago when the NASCAR circus hit Texas Motor Speedway, Eddie Gossage, who's the general manager there, offered $15,000 cash to the first driver who threw his helmet in a fit of anger during a race that weekend.

I'm not making this up. Eddie Gossage offered to pay any driver who threw his helmet $15,000 and suggested it was a way to take the sport "back to its roots."

NASCAR allegedly fines drivers who do that sort of thing but here's one of their promoters suggesting it would be a crowd-pleaser worthy of a cash reward so you figure out what's going on.

Yesterday, the announcers on the NASCAR telecast, led by Darrell Waltrip, were almost praying out loud for the "big one" to happen.

The "big one" is a huge wreck that usually involves half the cars in the race and what had Waltrip and the others upset yesterday was that with about 20 laps to go in the 200-lap event there hadn't been a "big one" and they were clearly upset because the race had been, well, kinda boring to that point..

They kept telling us, the viewing audience, over and over, that the "big one" hadn't happened yet. (Did I need reminding?)

With about 10 laps left, somebody got a little squirrely and Waltrip erupted.

"Here it is!" he yelled.

But it wasn't. Only four or five cars were involved and everybody sounded really disappointed.

So then they talked about how the "big one" had been avoided. But lo and behold, with only a few laps left, they did, finally, get their "big one" (more than 20 cars piled up) and the announcers, at least, got to go home happy.

The rest of us? It made us late for supper.

(How many laps left? Five. Okay, I'm serving. Be there in a minute. Hold it! IT'S THE BIG ONE!!!)

Maybe NASCAR's onto something. It made for better dinner table conversation than the TTC strike.

Weekend notes:

- Juan Pablo Montoya finished second behind Busch in the Sprint Cup race that ended under yellow (because of the "big one") with Hamlin third. Patrick Carpentier was the only Canadian in the field and he finished 31st, two laps behind the leader.

- You have to wonder if IRL champion (and Indy 500 winner) Dario Franchitti is all that happy about moving to NASCAR. No. 1, he's not winning and, No. 2, he'll likely be out of action for at least a month because of a broken ankle he suffered Saturday night in the Nationwide Series prelim to yesterday's Sprint Cup race.

It was a pretty nasty accident and Franchitti is lucky it was only an ankle.

Franchitti said he moved to NASCAR because it presented a challenge. However, Ashley Judd, his wife, was very vocal last year about how dangerous it was to race in the IRL and it's a good bet she might have had an influence on him.

So it's kind of ironic that he moves to a safer series and promptly gets hurt.

- A couple of weeks ago, I wrote that I'd never seen anything as stupid as the IRL letting Tony Kanaan remain on the track after he'd been involved in a mishap that left his right-front wheel askew and up in the air at about a 45-degree angle.

That now becomes the second stupidest thing I've ever seen happen at a race track.

Here's the new stupidest.

Saturday night, during the Nationwide Series race, Kevin Lepage - who's no rookie and who's been around - came out of the pits at Talladega and, as the 40-plus cars came thundering along heading toward Turn One, pulled right out in front of them and caused a God-almighty pileup that eliminated 16 cars.

It was exactly like you driving along the QEW going 100 km/h and somebody drives down one of the entrance ramps, pulls out in front of you, and stops.

Everybody in that race must have been going about 200 mph and Lepage was maybe going 100 (that's right - half the speed) when he drove up into the racing groove.

Lepage originally denied responsibility. Then he saw the tape.

- Tony Stewart wants to get away from Joe Gibbs Racing because he wants to get away from Toyota. Nothing more.

- Danica Patrick qualified third in the 27-car Indycar Series field yesterday at Kansas and was running eighth when she had to call it a day on Lap 156 (of 200). The studs that held her right-rear wheel on the car somehow broke, creating a most dangerous situation. "There was movement back there earlier in the race but we had no idea it was that serious," she said.

Dan Wheldon won the race, with Tony Kanaan second and Scott Dixon third.

- Toronto's Marty Roth, who qualified a career-best seventh, spun while entering the pits on the 41st lap and nearly hit Tomas Scheckter, whose car was being serviced. One of Scheckter's crewmen ran over and slapped Roth on the helmet.

By the time the 22-car field reached the first corner, Raikkonen had the lead, followed by Felipe Massa and Lewis Hamilton. That's the order in which they finished.

- McLaren'sHeikki Kovalainen had a miraculous escape when the left front wheel of his car collapsed going into Turn Nine and he went straight into a tire wall at 140 mph. Except for a mild concussion, he was unscathed and is expected to race at Turkey in two weeks.

- The Super Aguri team will likely fold this week, leaving F1 with just 20 cars.

- Okay, Robert Kubica's name is spelled Kubica. But Vic Rauter calls him "Kubit-sa" and Bob Varsha calls him "Koo-beetza" and Windsor calls him "Kubi-ka."

So which is it? Enquiring minds want to know.

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