Alan in the Hangover states that counting cards isn’t illegal, merely frowned upon like masturbating on an airplane…

Well unfortunately for Floridian professor Rafael Escamilla this isn’t advice that should be taken seriously by anyone. The educator has found himself in trouble with the law after exposing and pleasuring himself on a Skywest flight from Salt Lake City to Lewiston

Escamilla had lowered his lunch tray but was spotted massaging his member by his fellow passenger a 17-year-old cheer leader who happened to be sharing the seat next to him. The traumatised young lady took herself off to the toilets and on leaving them found an empty seat elsewhere on the plane informing the woman next to her that Escamilla had “creeped her out”.

Upon landing she made the incident known to her father who contacted the relevant authorities who intercepted professor Escamilla and arrested him.

When interviewed by the cops Escamilla claimed that he had spilt Tabasco brand hot sauce on his penis earlier on that day and had been trying to “rub”and “massage” away the burning sensation he also claimed that it “wasn’t hanging out” and that he had tried to disguise it with his tray.

Now whether there is any truth in the story or not I have a couple of issues; firstly how did he manage to get tabasco sauce down there? Was he eating nude?

Secondly; the prof claimed that he spilt the sauce on himself at breakfast that day, if that is the case how the hell was tabasco, pretty much the mildest sauce out there, still burning him up that much later on in the day.

Thirdly and most importantly how would anyone let alone an educator think that it would be appropriate to deal with this itching feeling whilst seated on an airplane, especially when the passenger alongside you is a teenage girl? Did it never occur to him to walk 50 feet or so to the toilet cubicle and deal with the issue there…. well the police asked this question as well and Escamilla informed them that he “didn’t feel that it would help.”

The officer who conducted the interview did note down that at no point during the conversation did Escamilla react in a way that would suggest he had an incredible itch on a particularly sensitive area of his person.

Now I don’t claim to an expert in the field of genital injuries however I have eaten Bhut Jolokias and then gone to the bathroom having forgotten to wash my hands first… let me go on record as saying that hurt, in fact it hurt quite a lot. Even so that level of pain from a chilli over 200x hotter than tabasco sauce would not have made me masturbate on a plane in front of a child.

Whether or not he is a criminal remains to be seen but he is certainly an idiot.