Don’t tell me what you want. Don’t tell me what you really want. Tell me what you really really want. What I really really want? What you really really want.

Ahh, the 90s. How times have changed. Aside from 2 year bookends, we had a Democrat in the White House and we loved our sexually harrassing president. We didn’t ask, and we didn’t tell. Google wasn’t evil. Apple only made computers. Social media meant going to a movie with friends. Apparently Will Smith made music.

Actually, I listened to a LOT of music in the 90s. I went to college in the 90s and hung out with a group of friends who were also very into music. We played a lot of Encore. The majority of my disposable income was spent on CDs. I *love* the music from that decade.

However, time has passed. I have the benefit of a little objective distance and have spent an extensive amount of time recently listening to the the “90’s on 9” Sirius XM station and have come to a terrible world changing conclusion…

The music from the 90s, was bad.

I mean, it was. Just. Awful.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still love it all. I have very good associations and can muster great memories. But looking back with an unadulterated eye, even I have to admit that the what I love is objectively terrible. The musical historians looking back on this decade will cringe.

I mean seriously, who takes a perfectly good hip hop song with a solid theme of jumping around and says “you know what this song needs? more tortured screaming.” House of pain indeed! And what *is* with all of the terrible jump songs? Kris Kross, wearing your clothes backwards just makes you look like clowns, get off my lawn you damn kids!

And explain this to me… there *never* existed a world where clownish white rappers were cool, and yet we were subjected to both Vanilla Ice and that candy guy – Skittles or M&M or something. And why did all the black women talk like phone sex operators? And while the objectification of women was straighforward and honest, in hindsight I found it disappointing that the focus was so ass-focused (featuring things like butts and thongs) and so little attention paid to the breast.

Everyone knows that Japanese people are weird and Japanese TV is truly messed up. For some reason, Japanese kids show theme songs were mainstream music as evidenced by the entire genre of 90s techno (Vengaboys, Aqua, I’m looking at you specifically). And I will leave this topic with 3 words. Ace of Base, ’nuff said.

Ok look, it wasn’t all bad… Micheal Jackson was still alive buut, he was more “crotch grabbing child molester” than “king of pop.” And well at least we were still protected from Justin Timberlake by N-Sync buut on the other hand, we had to listen to N-Sync.