Dashiell Bennett

Tennis-playing dude Marat Safin isn't exactly broken up over revelations that fellow competitor Andre Agassi was addicted to crank. If he feels so bad about it now, Safin says, then why not give back all that money he didn't win?

Safin told L'Equipe that if Agassi is trying to clear his conscience because he lied to the ATP to get out of a failed drug test, then wouldn't it make more sense to give back the money that the ATP allowed him to win by not banning him from the sport? And maybe all of his Grand Slam titles? Or, alternatively, he could just go on selling his books.

"I won't write my biography. I do not need any money. The question is: why did he do it?" Safin said. "What's done is done. He hopes to sell more books. But he is completely stupid!"

"I do not defend the ATP (Association of Tennis Professionals) but what he said put them in a bad position. ATP allowed him to win a lot of tournaments, to make a lot of money. They kept his secret so why be so cruel with them? There are times you need to be able to shut up."

Give Safin credit for not pretending that crystal meth helped Agassi win anything and for correctly pointing out that this "confession" does come a little too late to serve anyone accept Agassi's publisher. On the other hand, it's not his fault that the ATP bought the lamest excuse in the history of drug testing. Forget Grand Slams. Agassi deserves an Oscar for pulling that one off.