When Both Parents Work Outside of The Home, Finding Time For Your Spouse Feels Impossible

My husband and I both work. Full time. Our kids are in daycare, preschool, and elementary school. They do before-school care and after-school care, as both of our jobs start early and end late. They do camps in the summer. They have extracurricular activities, weekend sports, rec sports, and play dates that we take them to and make sure they are happy, well fed, and enjoying themselves.

We have times when we want to get out alone, him to golf and try to get yard work done, and of course, run and relax. I want to get pedicures, go shopping, or just drive aimlessly or walk around CVS for an hour. So when do we have time for each other?

It had been a bone of contention for quite some time. With his long hours and my exhaustion after working a full day and then coming home to do my “other” full-time job of mom, we couldn’t find time for each other. We tried to make watching shows together sound glamorous, but it wasn’t enough.

So we put on our shared calendar,a set “date night” that automatically occurs every month. Yes, we do go out more than that together. But we were finding if we didn’t set aside a night for just us, we’d sometimes forget or time would get away from us. Even if we don’t go out on that particular night, it’s a constant reminder of our need to spend time together to keep a connection in our marriage.

So, that leads me to my next balancing act. What about when we are actually together, and I still feel like I am not getting the important time with him?

Last night, as we sat together on the couch, I tried to chat with him and got no response. Then, I tried to remind him that we still had to book our family trip for the summer. I got, “Hang on just one second, I have to do this for work.”

I shouldn’t have been as frustrated as I was, but let me give some background. We talked recently about how we can take our work time when we are not with each other. For example, I get to bed early so he can do his work after I am in bed, no problem. Then we get more time together. And, to top it off, this was at the end of a super busy few weeks (which was supposed to just be a week or so). He works in finance so he had many late nights of working either at work or coming home to help me (yes, I was grateful), but then went up to work in his office. And I suppose I got sick of hearing “let me just do this one thing…” after hearing it for the past few weeks.

What do I do? Do I just accept that this is the way it’s going to be? Will we ever be able to spend more time together? Am I just being nitpicky and our time together really is the way it should be?

I don’t want to demand too much; I don’t want to make it seem like I am pointing out his negatives because, believe me, there are so many positives. He helps with the kids, he comes home early so he can be home to spend time with us, however fleeting it is, and he comes in the clutch so often. I mean, we both work full time and have demanding positions — mine is less so, but combined with the “job” of being a mom, we are definitely equal. And I don’t know if it’s too much to expect more from us.

Does anyone else have issues with this balance? I feel like things like this aren’t talked about with your mom friends because no one wants to be the one who just “bitches” about their husbands, although it’s really just trying to find solutions. If I find a solution, I’ll let you know. That way, you won’t have to have that awkward conversation with your mom BFFs.