There are some words in the English language that convey profound meaning through their sheer ambiguity. Assclown is one of them.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

I Believe In Miracles

I've always been skeptical of organized religion. Although I don't doubt the existence of a power greater than my own, I was relativity certain that it had little to do with modern Christianity. Thus, I have been doubtful when I've heard reports of people who have seen the image of the Virgin Mary on inanimate objects. The human mind can be deceptive, so I assumed that these people were merely seeing what they wanted to see.

Today, my skepticism has been dashed, as I have borne witness to a genuine religious miracle. It happened while I was in the shower. This may seem like an odd place for a miracle to occur, but we all know that the Lord works in mysterious ways. While I was washing, I experienced an overpowering sensation--a feeling that I wasn't alone. That's when I realized that I was in the presence of omnipotence. I soon become aware of a warm feeling that was centered at the core of my being and a supernatural aura began to emanate. When I looked down to ascertain the source of the glow, I witnessed a Miraculous Apparition. No, it was not a vision of the Madonna, but it was just as powerful: I was gazing upon the sacred image of Pat Robertson.

I am certain that some of you heathens will find my claim dubious. You may say things like, "This is no Holy Image. This is a hairy man, who could stand to lose some weight, compressing his belly into miniature, yet not entirely unattractive, butt cheeks. Probably because he has nothing else to post." Nothing could be further from the truth, this is a true manifestation of the God's power. It is readily apparent that the apparition that has appeared on my stomach is an exact replica of America'a / God's favorite minister. To wit:

As you might imagine, I have mixed emotions about being annointed as a Messenger of God. I have considerable trepidation about the prospect of crowds gathering to pray over me while harvesting belly-button lint as religious icons. Additionally, I have concerns about the 2nd Commandment which warns of idolatry, "Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them." Clearly, this passage should be interpreted that I must remain vigilant of revealing graven images of Billy Graham. This will be a true test of my faith since it will require complete abstinence from public mooning, but nobody said that doing God's work was going to be easy.