40 Answers

By Nicci Traaseth
- Posted on Jun 28, 2011

734

My 5 year old is going through somewhat of the same thing. She defies me (never her father!) and we butt heads a lot. I contribute this fact to that she is JUST like me. I see so much of myself in her, at times it's scary. I remember feeling the frustrations she feels and how angry I would get (like when my socks weren't on properly or my sleeves bunched up in my coat). Staying calm is the best thing I've found that works for me. When she chooses to be defiant, I calmly give her 2 choices. Last night it was she wanted to play in the sand at the volleyball court after I had given her countless opportunities to do so. When she chose not to when she had the choice, it was time to go home. She didn't want to get in the vehicle so she had a choice to either get in the vehicle herself or I would place her in the vehicle. She chose to get in herself but she was very angry with me. She does the same old same old "you're always mean to me and you never let me play." same old her life is so tough thing. I simply remind her what a wonderful day of playing with her friend that she had and that I allowed her to do that. I remind her that she had the opportunity to continue playing with her friend but she chose not to. I always try (within reason) to give her choices. When she feels like arguing with me I don't argue back. I try (as hard as it is) to keep my voice calm and tell her I'm not up for arguing with her about it. I understand she's upset and when she's ready to calm down and speak to me in the same tone I'm speaking to her, then we'll talk about it. When she feels she has some control of her life, things run smoother. You also need to realize that your child is learning a lot of behavioral things at school as well. I try to encourage her to play with children who make "smart choices". We have a neighbor girl who constantly bashes her mother and when she does it in front of my kids, that's not ok with me because it all falls back on me. When my child gets angry with me, she uses the same words against me as our neighbor girl does about her mom. It's all learned. Every child is different, you just need to find what works best for you. The same strategies don't always work with my 3 year old that did with my oldest when she was 3. Different kids, different temperments. Best of luck to you! Know that it will get better and that your child is most likely acting out because he/she knows that no matter what Mommy will always love him/her. That doesn't make it any easier though.

26

By Brianne Sullivan
- commented on Oct 4, 2011

03

This is interesting. My 5 year old son acts like this with his father, but not with me. I wonder if there is something to the mother/daughter, father/son defiance.

By Missy Hawrysz Young
- commented on Oct 5, 2011

09

Nicci, one of mygirls and I butt heads like you and your daughter. She is the exact opposite with my husband. Was the other way around when we first brought her home from Guatemala, clinging to me and wanted nothing to do with daddy. Wierd

By Amira Emina
- commented on Oct 5, 2011

016

That's exactly what it is in my opinion. My husband and son are constantly arguing. Its so annoying. My daughter gets spiffy with me all the time, but I do keep in mind that she is just like I once was (plus my mother reminds me all the time). So a lot of patients was my answer. But the men in this house have a testonerone battle or something. And my son is only 8!

By Nicci Traaseth
- commented on Oct 5, 2011

734

We have just recently implemented 2 new things in our house and I'm very excited about them because they have brought such positive changes to our lives! The first thing we've added is Task Charts. I made them and personalized them. My now 6 year old obviously has a few more things on her task chart then my 3 year old. The list of her tasks on her morning chart include: Eat, Get Dressed, Make Bed, Brush Hair, Brush Teeth, Act Rinse. Her evening chart has: Homework, Put Homework in Backpack, Put away clean clothes, bath, pj's on, dirty clothes in laundry room, brush teeth.
Now these are just tasks to help them stay on task. It gives them a visual of what they need to be doing and cut down on my constant reminding. They go to their chart and when they've completed the task they get to peel it off (i've secured them with velcro) and put it in the complete cup. Making their bed and taking care of their clothes is the only "chore" on the chart. I do not have specific chores that I require them to do. I want them to make the decision to help out on their own but they are required to do their beds and clothes because they are responsible for their bedrooms.
The next thing we've implemented, via suggestion of our pediatrician, is the cotton ball jar. They earn a cotton ball for certain things (using good manners, clearing their plate from the table without being asked, completing their task list without too much dilly dallying/bickering and no whining about it, anything they do that is kind and I "catch them in the act", they get a cotton ball. They each also have one big achievement to reach and if they achieve it they get as many cotton balls as they are old. My daughter has to make it from the time she wakes up to the time she goes to bed without speaking to me in a whinny voice and not crying about every single thing that doesn't go her way....when she achieves this she gets 6. My son needs to wake up dry in the morning (yes, for him this is huge!) and then he gets 3. When their jars are full they will each get to pick one day to choose a place to go out to eat. Their next reward will possibly be a movie at the theater or something like that. I am avoiding buying toys because they don't need more toys laying around that they don't appreciate. I never take back cotton balls for poor behavior because I want that focus to remain on the positive things. The other morning my little guy wanted to help me load the dishwasher so I gladly let him. My daughter decided that she wanted to join in too (at this point I have mentioned nothing about Brodie earning a cottonball). She decided after one spoon that loading the dishwasher was disgusting and she didn't want to to do it. When Brodie got the cottonball for being such an amazing helper, instead of pouting she raced to my bedroom and made my bed since I hadn't quite gotten to it yet! She then earned a cotton too! The mood in our house has become PHENOMENAL! My daughter actually begs me to do her task list, even if we aren't quite ready for the evening tasks yet!

By Elizabeth Hart
- commented on Oct 5, 2011

012

My son and I butt heads, but not him and his daddy. He is constantly telling me "don't tell dad." Like he's scared of him, but not of me. My power is nil in this family. LOL. On the flip side, my son does tell me he loves me more, wants to be around me, etc.

By Melanie Antunes
- commented on Oct 5, 2011

08

My 5 year old daughter is also doing the same - arguing with me constantly when it comes to dressing and getting ready for school. My son of 2 years are luckily still in the "I love my mommy and daddy" phase...heaven forbid he reaches 5 years old.

I went though that with my daughters each time they started school. (I have three) The back talking and throwing things started happening, The good thing is that it will get better in time until they become teenagers and again you will have to deal with unpleasant things . I will tell you that at 18 years more rough times. At 21 they get it . The only advice I can tell you is to do whatever you need to point them in the right way and love them no matter what.

19

By Amy Skaggs
- Posted on Jul 6, 2011

1328

Plenty of sleep, an early bedtime is key for mine. Reduced screen time works wonders. My little boy is exhausted every single day after school and could probably go to bed successfully at 7:30pm! Steady routine, maybe not much running around after school (errands, games and such) might help.

12

By Rebecca Jordan
- Posted on Jun 26, 2011

514

Maybe your child is aware that you're anxious for them to be in school. If they perceive that you don't want them around, that'll instantly produce anxiety and defiance, which is often how a young one will handle feelings that they don't understand. NEVER IGNORE IT!!! I see parents all the time that ignore the child's bad behavior & it never works. It only succeeds in annoying everyone else around you. This is extra important if it's a first child (or an oldest child of one gender - i.e. four boys, then a girl is born). You address the behavior immediately and explain that there are consequences for actions (good & bad). Tell them what will happen if the behavior doesn't change and then FOLLOW THROUGH. Teach them too about recognizing the negative behavior, asking for forgiveness, and then love them through the consequences. Keep in mind that your kid may just be bored and searching for an outlet. Be part of that outlet with them (Cheer at soccer games, frame their "finest" artwork, take them out for a "girls night" with just the two of you). We have seven kids (4 boys and 3 girls). I can speak from experience. My five year old daughter is #6 of the 7 & not a discipline problem at all.

11

By taryn millard
- commented on Jan 30, 2014

30

Wow, some good advice, maybe you can give me some advise on my situation please?? My 6 yr old does not want to learn at school, sais it's to hard, and he is very behind, I have tried for almost a year now, at home with him, with letters and numbers and he sais it's to hard and gives up, !!!! S frustrating , my daughter who is 10 never had this problem ad loves school, I feel like maybe I just didn't spend much educational time with him at a young age and it's my fault!!!!

By Anonymous
- commented on Sep 30, 2015

014

I am a psych major and the worst thing to do when a child is throwing a fit, is to not ignore it. Key thing if child psychology is, "ignore the behavior, you want to change" When a child is throwing a fit, do not, absolutely do not show them any kind of attention at all. Do not talk to them, do not pay attention, do not even look at them. When they calm down then you reward them by saying "good job on calming yourself down" if they start back up again, completely ignore them again. If you are consistent, you will see a huge difference in your child within a week. The fits may get worse the first week, because they are going to do anything and everything to try and get your attention, but if you stand strong and hold your ground with ignoring them, they will eventually get it that they are not going to get anything from you. You also do this when the child is whining as well. Tell them "when you can use your big girl/ big boy voice, then I will listen". If you can eliminate the whining, you will eliminate all tantrums as well. There are some children who are severely defiant, and if not corrected early enough, it can lead into significant violence towards others, and/or themselves. Now when the best time to talk to a child about their behavior is way after they have calmed down, and of course you should have a calm voice as well. Once the both of you are calm, then that is when the best time is to talk to the child about their actions and behaviors. And maybe come together and compromise a solution to whatever the problem was. Ask the child how we could avoid the conflict better, and what are some better choices that could have been used instead of reacting/ acting in the way they did. They may not know how to (even though you may think they would know). They may have no idea of any other way to react to certain situations. Sometimes you have to tell them in detail how maybe they could handle it differently next time. If the same problems occurs later on then right at the beginning, remind them of your conversation you about about another way to handle it. But you have to remain calm. It is hard. I am a mother of 2. I have a 5 year old and a 2.5 year old, and it gets challenging at times, especially when my 5 year old has always been my more defiant child. We still struggle from time to time and it is even hard for me to keep my temper down sometimes. But as parents all we can do is try as hard as we can, because we all know we want whats best for our children.

even a 5 yr old needs winedown time.. school adds stress to their little lives as more or more as to ours... independence isn't always a good thing & every child handles it differently. Most bad/defyant behavor should be ignored.. if its not harmful let it but & don't give into the negative attention

8

By Nicci Traaseth
- commented on Jun 28, 2011

734

I totally agree with not giving into the negative attention! They all seem to thrive on it, so the more you starve the negative attention the less you'll see of it!

By Shannon Bonafede
- commented on Jun 28, 2011

1821

You are looking at it wrong... they thrive on attention and if they aren't getting enough positive attention they will settle for negative attention because it results as attention from you. Some where between 4 and 6 they come more out of themselves and you become important in a new way. You are a resource of all kinds of information, attention and more then just a provider of needs. It is an exciting time for children and they want to share that with you, they need to share that with you to create a healthy relationship with you and in turn create healthy relationships later in life. If your child "acts up" ask if there is something more acceptable the two of you can do. Read a story, cuddle, run a race, walk around the block, fold clothes together, clean a room, etc... as long as the focus is spending time together. Try it and see if the negative attention seeking behavior goes away.

By April Rice
- commented on Jun 29, 2011

741

i agree one on one tie between parents and kids is always good what also works good is for parents to take time out themselves..

By Shannon Bonafede
- commented on Jun 29, 2011

1821

There is a cyclical problem that goes, I am too tired from dealing with my child to give them more attention when if they could turn the tide they would be able to spend more positive time with their kid which would then equate to more time for time to themselves. It has takes an year a half but my kids really do get the attention they seek and I still get my own time.
One hug. In the middle of a out and out screaming match with my then 5 1/2 year old. I think "WHAT AM I DOING?" I am fighting with a 5 year old and if I keep doing this she isn't going to make it to 6." (Let me preface that I have never even so much as hit my kids in anger but occasionally fantasy keeps you sane in the face of so much anger and frustration.) I sit down and force myself to laugh. Which makes my girl even madder which made me laugh harder. Really? I could get this negative emotion from her and I still get to laugh? She came at me, scratching and biting was then her line of attack. (Now she does it mostly for show.) I grabbed each hand at the wrist and hugged her.
She struggled until I asked her to just hug me. I could feel her anger melt away. She was suddenly this little tiny girl in my arms again. We still have battles and I see more to come, she is fiercely her own person and very independent. I would not have it any other way. I also know as we learn to talk more and spend time together it will get easier to communicate and maybe, just maybe some of those issues will not be fight but merely conversations.

By Mandy Fonos
- commented on Sep 20, 2012

1527

I have an almost 5 year old girl, she is much like I was, and aside from never wanting to wake up and always wanting to stay up late we are able to handle many behavior issues, together, sometimes I have to let her calm down until she is ready to talk, which occasionally means being removed from the situation, but in time she comes to me and we talk about what happened, how we can change the outcome so she feels better, then we move on to other things. and when a similar situation comes up, I am quick to give positive feedback when I see her making correct choices, and reminding her what choices she has, if I see she if frustrated or confused, or maybe making the same choice as last time..

I hear your pain! My not quite 5 year old daughter is tough going most days! I dont think there is an answer you just have to ride it out. We use the naughty step a fair amount and it does seem to have an effect. Go with your gut feelings as the best way to deal with your child.

6

By jordan druckenmiller
- Posted on Jul 13, 2011

33

That's bc somewhere along the line he/she got it into their head tha they were in charge. A time out. Followed by a stern talk (no yelling or negitive comments), I love you, and a hug should begin to turn things around. children want rules boundries and guidlines even when little. Its all a matter of staying consistant, they can't be in trouble today and get away with it tomorrow, that sends mixed messages and will create a bigger problem. Also let all care provders aware or wat u expect from ur little one and advise them of your repercussions so that way it does stay consitant everywhere they go. Also naps go along way too, its suprisng how tired children can be without showing any signs except for being mouthy or unruly

5

By Marie Elworthy
- Posted on Jun 26, 2011

6525

I think its just an age thing... its gets better, & worse too unfortunately. Before school My oldest boy was (usually) quite nice mannered & polite, although very outgoing little boy.... then he started school and all hell broke loose!! I keep asking, what the heck happened?? Eventually He did simmer down a tad, and probably it was more that I got used to having a 'school kid' too. Some days his ears still seem to be blocked entirely because talking to him is like talking to a brick wall! (that might just be a male thing too!!!) But he's still my little baby boy, and I think the biggest problem we have is really that they're not babies anymore. They WANT to be big kids and do their own thing, which usually means complete opposite to what mum or dad want!

5

By Lillie Tidwell
- Posted on Aug 12, 2011

735

This is a really tough age for kids! They're leaving "baby/todderhood", yet, aren't quite "kids". They're trying to expand their territory & world and are still afraid. They want their parents to be there for them, but, they don't want to seem too "needy". Stand by and lend support WHEN needed. Encourage their forays, but, set limits. Don't be too stringent nor too lax. This is my fourth child and we've always managed a (somewhat) peaceful transition thru this stage. You'll enjoy your child more if you actually join in on their adventures! Camp out in the back yard with them! Color that bear purple if you want! It's YOUR bear! Try eating your waffles with your fingers and discover for yourself why that's not a good idea! That's what your child is doing at this stage!

3

By bettie hatala
- commented on Aug 23, 2011

1040

good day !! i have the same thing with my 4yr old lil girl some days its out of control and emberassing when were out and about !! im a single mom and i have enlisted one of my very close friends to help me along with this and help back me up when things are rough with her i feel like somedays i am the worst mother in the world cuz ive cracked down on her so hard but i think its truly just the age and hang in there im not sure h ow long it takes for them to go back to at least a lil normal but we well all get thier one day just stand firm as everyone keeps telling me good luck and god bless !!!

By bettie hatala
- commented on Aug 23, 2011

1040

just another reminder they are our" lil mini mes" she loves to use the same words i use with her even to the point of telling me well how come your not doing it ?? lol ive had to change my words around alot latley so it doesnt bite me back !!! lol

I suggest...http://www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove and http://www.screamfree.com/ My son was always so laid back but my daughter was the one I had to "pick my battles." These two sites/book have changed my views on "picking battles" and how I deal with my children. I no longer spend all my time screaming but actually talking to my now 6 1/2 year old daughter. Good luck!

3

By Harriet
- commented on Mar 8, 2016

170

As long as your firm with her but sweet, and if you have to discipline her then do so and pray the rest will take care of it self.

By Marina Farook
- Posted on Sep 13, 2012

5321

I'm right there. My 5 year old is having a very tough time transitioning from a very individualized private preschool to public kindergarten and having to stay still, stay in line, don't talk too much, etc. He has become extremely defiant and rude. One minute he's helpful and polite the next he is kicking punching hitting biting scratching and screaming that he hates me, that I want him dead(!?), that he hates everything and that no one likes him. He is also picking up play behaviors that I don't like from his new school friends. Stuff like shooting and attacking and chopping. I keep telling him I don't want that type of play and that his brothers, 3 and 1, cannot play like that. I have been overreactive, underreactive, calm and loving, everything in response and nothing seems to get through. If I take away privileges, take away favorite toys, restrict things... Nothing is helping. I'm at my wits end. He used to be so sweet and easy, I don't know what happened :-( I will just keep trying to get through I guess.

2

By Anonymous
- commented on Oct 29, 2016

10

I feel that way with my son don't beat yourself up. There is something going on, maybe take him in to be seen try a therapist too. Ultimately they may suggest a light medication and that might be OK maybe he has a lot of anxiety about school. School is no joke it is not developmentally appropriate anymore. They want Kindergarten children "ready for college".

By lisa gilbert
- Posted on Oct 6, 2011

14

I am having the same problem with my 5 year old daughter,she is very defiant and argues with me constantly!! She always has to be right and have the last word,if i tell her off im the worst mum in the world and aparently i in her word's 'dont like her' I've tried everything from letting her have her own way to clearing her room of every toy she owns,just hope she grow's out of it soon

2

By Georgette Hunt
- Posted on Oct 5, 2011

29

Be patient, kind, loving, and understanding. Try not to lose your temper. Ensure that they are well fed (eating healthy snacks regularly), well rested (naps and/early enough bedtime), that they have some downtime (to do as they please for 1/2 to 1 hr per day - watch tv, play games, read, color, create, dance, ride bikes), and that they are able to make choices (pick out their own clothes, help plan meal menus). Allow them to help with chores around the house (setting the table, folding laundry, dusting, making their bed) so they can feel important/part of the team. Praise them often. Ignore minor infractions. Encourage them to make the right choices, stand firm when it comes to issues of safety, explain why you have imposed certain rules so that they don't think you are a dictator and they realize you have their best interest in mind. Hold them accountable when they don't make the right choices. I teach preschool, have a 3 1/2 year old and almost 6 year old and know that it is tough... My older boy is very reward motivated - he can be bribed for toys, candy, money, playdates, etc. But, when he is hungry or tired he can be downright mean. Keeping calm and positive works best for us. Best of luck.

2

By Savannah White
- Posted on Oct 4, 2011

50

My daughter also just started Kindergarten this year. She has been in daycare since she was 1 year old and I did not expect to have as many behavioral issues when starting Kindergarten as I have been since I assumed she was used to being in an environment with other children and would have worked out most of those issues previously.

However, I have recently received calls about my daughter poking other kids, attempting to pick fights with older children and she even slapped another child becuase he was looking at a book she was reading and poking at her. After the last call I decided I needed to do something a little more drastic than the usualy time out, talk or taking away toys. I actually grounded her for an ENTIRE evening to her room, I sat her down explained why she was getting grounded and how her actions have affected everyone. She was only allowed to eat dinner and have a bath. I did not yell at her or even get mad in any way. I explained to her that what she was doing was wrong and that if she kept it up then she can continue to stay in her room. It only took the one night and after that she has been an angel for the past week and a half (of course other than the normal 5 year old issues that creep up).

Another thing that really helps her continue with good behavior is a sticker chart we created. I lined out a piece of paper and reward her for good behavior; helping around the house when asked, listening good to teachers, etc. For ever good thing she gets a sticker on the line. Once she gets enough stickers to fill the line (keep in mind I use smaller stickers, lol) I take her out to do something fun. Be it going to the park, getting a new movie, going on a play date, baking cookies together, etc. I find this really helps her keep focused on doing good things.

2

By Katie
- Posted on Aug 28, 2011

7110

My son will soon be four, and he is really testing me. It could be because he/she is trying to be more independent, and test the waters of how far they can go and get away with things.
Stand your ground, be consistent with discipline, give him or her options when it comes to...
-Breakfast (2 options)
-clothing worn for the day
-bath or teeth brushing first
These type of things will make the child feel in control of somethings, in a healthy way. If my son acts to defiant he is sent to his room for one minute per age, and then I start assigning him chores. They do not have to be done perfectly as long as he tried. Make your bed, clean up your toys, help me make dinner. Make sure they are kept busy busy with plenty of rest and quiet time.

2

By Michelle Groulx
- Posted on Aug 26, 2011

29538

wait; I'm not the only one with this problem? We figure it's that age where our children start trying to spread their wings and they need to learn that they can't treat mom and dad in bad ways. There are good days and bad. The more tired our son is, the worse he acts. We still have quite time for him each day.

2

By Wendy Turley
- Posted on Jun 26, 2011

3810

My guy will insist that black is white if I let him. I feel my blood pressure rise often during the day. My fear is that his resistance and arguing will end in a horrible accident. We've lost a number of things because he won't listen and breaks things. I've seen him run into walls just to resist me. I'm hoping common sense will kick in.

2

By Lucy Mauterer
- Posted on Sep 12, 2012

6942

It amazes me to see the number of moms using bribes (reward is just a euphamism for that) to get their non compliant children to obey them. I am a 60 year old grandmother who has raised two wonderful children and am raising my precious 9 year old granddaughter. In my house, what I say goes. Period. Mom/Grandma is the supreme ruler. You do not get choices unless I grant them. Good behavior means relative freedom, bad behavior means immediate loss of all freedoms. For as long as I feel like removing them. We had a bad chair that faced a wall when my children were little. My daughter (the eldest) spent a lot of time in that chair contemplating her defiance. My son spent no time in it. Ever. I think he just learned not to be rude to mom when he saw the results of his sister's disobedience. My granddaughter has been much easier. I think establishing a program of zero tolerance for rudeness from the very earliest moment creates an atmosphere where the child can express themselves without being rude or defiant. And having them learn early that sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do, helps them just accept the inevitable. When its time to go home from the playground because MommyGrandma says so, just accept it and get over it. If you cause a ruckus, Mommy/Grandma will just not bring you here ever again. Its an early way of learning the difference between a PRIVILEGE and an ENTITLEMENT. Being fed nourishing food is more of an entitlement. Watching TV or going to the park is a privilege. Be a parent and just assert your authority.

1

By Faye Mc Kenzie
- Posted on Oct 6, 2011

016

Nicci, im laughing my head off here because my 5 year old daughter is exactly the same. Its just a mirror image of myself and her and you and your daughter!!

1

By Maria Mazhar
- Posted on Oct 5, 2011

015

My little boy has gone completely into a you and me zone and dislikes when im hanging out with friends. He keeps telling me that he needs a 'Mommy and Me' Day (everyday). I've realized that its important to keep him well fed at all times, its unusual how much energy he burns at school. Put him for a nap in the afternoon and have some quiet time before going to bed. It always help to set up a routine (which is difficult for me as I am a single working mom and need to run chores after work) but i try to do most of them before i pick him up from day care.

1

By Chilufya Kasutu-Chikoye
- Posted on Oct 5, 2011

012

I agree with Nicci. I have two girls 5 turning 6 on 31 October and a nine year old. I find that givig her choices and letting her know that she cant get everything she wants. But it is true too that it is an age thing-attention and competition with her older sister, and i try to be fair in how I deal with both of them. And we have rules about "difficult days or time" and tantrums.hey its not always easy but i argue that we are the grown ups and if we are calm and keep the rules things turn to be easier AND yes children come in all shapes and sizes too!

1

By Chomi Ryan
- Posted on Oct 5, 2011

25

My girl is 4 and this scenario happens at least 3 times a week. I remember arguing with my mom as a teenager and just don't want that to happen (not that it can be avoided, since I believe it's a rite of passage) - when she starts acting up and telling me that she does not love me anymore, only daddy - I let her know that we both love her and that she can be upset if she wants to, but she needs to be upset somewhere else (her room or the steps). She usually makes it half-way up the steps then comes back down. It's not fun to be angry mommy when you have permission to do so.

1

By Moyee Gohain
- Posted on Jul 13, 2011

37

My 4 year old has changed alot lately,She wont wear clothes or eat food that is not picked out by her.And no amount of making deals works on her.I have given up on most strategies except for this one.Try acting her age and pretend to be her friend and she will slowly open up once she makes sure you are on her side and her new BFF...and the rest is like not so complicated anymore.She even likes wearing clothes picked out by her new BFF..

1

By Margaret Ryan
- Posted on Jun 28, 2011

11

It can work to ask her if there is something upsetting her, then helping her to think of a solution (or compromise) herself that she is satisfied with. Try not to shout back or she'll only shout more often -stay as calm as you can.

1

By Amy Skaggs
- commented on Jul 6, 2011

1328

We've been very fortunate with my son's school staff. If I can't get to the root of it, they have been able to gently ask him if anything is the matter (casually). Each time, whether it's been work overload, class disciplinary measures, or a bus bully, we've all worked out any issues. Blessed to have good teachers to communicate with almost daily as well.

By Louisa Masango
- commented on Oct 4, 2011

016

I agree. It's sometimes helps to have a support structure that can assist in getting to the core of the issue.
My 5 year old daughter seems to often confide in my mother and that helps a lot in understanding what she is going through. He teacher and principal also have a close relationship with her and communicate any negative behaviour during the day and share some of their tactics in dealing with it.
I am a single mother and recently got to know that she sometimes takes up some of mommy's battles, which eventually come out through outbursts of anger, impatience, shouting, etc. I could not understand where it was coming from nor why. But through my mother's and her teacher's feedback, I am now able to listen more and actually let her talk more about herself, friends, teachers, school, etc. I have gone the extra mile of making Saturdays our quality time - we read books together, dance and sing, go out on picnics, paint, etc. & somehow this seems to alleviate our stress and bring us closer together.
They deal with a whole lot than we give them credit for and we just have to be more attentive and consistant with them.

Not sure if you have time to read, but my four year old was going through behavior changes. After I read Positive Discipline by Jane Nelson, it helped me understand the behavior and all her suggestions worked. I really like her style and views on parenting. Just a suggestion :)

1

By Nici um ya
- Posted on Jun 26, 2011

37

i have the same prob with ma daughter.. i have two n im alone.. so maybe she wants more attention but i cant give her all the time the time she wants .. but other then she think she is grown n knows everything better.. but ya.. it goes a way sooner then later

1

By Amy Cote
- Posted on Jun 26, 2011

423

We battled that and still do with our 4 yo boy. We have taken away things, he has to earn them back. We have a sticker chart, he gets to put on a sticker in the morning if he had a good day before. We also had to step back and see where his "behavior and language" was coming from and realized it was partly from the shows he was watching. So, in a nut a shell, we have been called every name in the book except mom and dad. We have ignored it, did not react to it, but that didn't help. All need to be on the same page with the consequences as we all know that for every action there is a reaction and consequences. Try not to get frustrated as this is fuel to the fire....

1

By Lucy Mauterer
- commented on Sep 12, 2012

6942

Amy, I hope you took his TV privileges away! I monitor everything my granddaughter watches and if I don't approve, it gets deleted from the short list of shows she can watch. If either of my children called me a rude name, they would learn what soap tastes like pretty quick. And be on full restriction until I felt they were truly repentant. I think its good you could see that he is learning some of this behavior from TV. That is something you definitely have power over.

By chefiestefie46
- Posted on Nov 18, 2017

00

I used to work, as a chef for 22 years. I have been a SAHM since February. My 5 year old daughter, just informed me, she doesn't want me home anymore. She wants me at work. Ever since, she has been clingy to Daddy. I got really upset, to where my feelings got really hurt. It feels like she doesn't to have anything to do with me, anymore. I sacrificed so much. It was a high risk pregnancy with her. I am so sad and depressed, right now, that my daughter would say this to me. Daddy tried to get an answer from and she would, " I don't know, but want her to go back to work"! 😭😭😭😭😭😭

0

By Amanda Clancy
- Posted on Jul 8, 2014

1353

Shes at the age of testing boundries and finding herself..I went through that with my 6 year old daughter.. Maybe its time to find that one perfect discipline system..It took me many days of thinking and experimenting with punishments till last night when a strict discipline system came to me and i feel postive about it

0

By Moona shah
- Posted on Jan 16, 2013

00

Hi my little girl is 5 years old but she still behaves like a baby when she was 2 or 3 years old when she becomes angry banging her head on the walls screaming bows she 5 when I pic her up from school she is doing the sme thing banging her head on me continsloy crying if I say to her to plz clam down every one is looking at u she tries to bite me but the strange thing is that in class she is very good never done such thing.i talked about the teacher about her but she said that she is very good at class

0

By Kathryn Graves
- Posted on Oct 4, 2012

41

Above and beyond all else, be constitant with your child. Reward him or her for good behaviors as much as possible even if you think these behaviors should be expected, like playing well with friends. Say, "I like the way you did. . ." whatever you can see to be praised. Your child will feel that you are more fair if you point out their good qualities as well as things you want them to work on.
Next, try to talk ot out, ask your child why they did what they did. Make sure to sound reasonable and not angry when you do this and then try to problem solve with them and help them see how they could have made a better choice. If you can make this work, and it will take some effort, say, "i bet you can do a better job next time, what do you think?" Let them know that you have faith in them and that even though it might take practice, you know they will get it right.
Important hints: don't make threats, if you feel that punishment is warranted make sure it fits the situation and that the child understands why it is being given, don't punish in anger (say "I need to think about it"), and never berate your child publicly.

0

By Amanda Baillie
- Posted on Sep 24, 2012

215

I have started a chore bag for my two daughters 5 and 6 years old. If you talk back, have an attitude, call someone a name or tattle you grab a chore out of the bag. At first they would cry and whine, but now they just grab it a go. My husband and I also have them doing chores around the house too. Every once and awhile my 6yr old will have her moment and throw things. It's very hard to deal with a child that acts out and is angry. Now that she is in 1st grade I thought things might get better but she has gotten worse in some ways. She gets mad at kids for calling her names and when the teacher speaks to the other kid it comes out that they called her a name because she hit them. I don't know how to get her to understand another childs feelings. Any help for that?

0

By Claire Rayment
- Posted on Sep 20, 2012

03

My son is 5 1/2 and doesn't like the word no. He will keep asking for something or to do something and each time I say no he starts throwing things or stomping around the house. He doesn't seem to know when to stop for his own good and keeps pushing me until eventually I start shouting at him, then he covers his ears and tells me he's not listening.

I've started taking toys etc away from him each time he has a major strop but it doesn't seem to work because then he has a tantrum because I've taken it away.

Any Ideas because I'm slowly losing my mind.

0

By Lara Trottier
- Posted on Sep 14, 2012

290

My now 6 yr old is still defiant, I try to be patient, but it does run thin sometimes. I have to keep her busy, I print out papers for her to work on, I have her help in the kitchen with cooking, dishes, anything to keep her busy. She's much better behaved that way.

0

By Liz McCarty
- Posted on Sep 12, 2012

15

i feel the same way with my 5yo son!! He is so defiant, I have to constantly remind him who the boss is. We went through a screaming fase last year (his first year of school) but this year I have a new approach! He doesn't want choices, I have to have them at daycare by 6:30am, I have no fights if I just give him breakfast and dress him. Totally different from mornings where he gets his rest. After school is food food food!! Then just play time where he tells me all his stories (real or not) and an early bedtime :) When I have weekends off, we plan a special outing at some point. With that promise I can get house work and other tasks done then he wears himself out at the park or whatever and evenings aren't too bad. Its just been a big change with school, a big change to everyone's routine and everyone's expectations. Good Luck!

0

By Gila Glazer
- Posted on Oct 9, 2011

013

my little girl has just turned 6. If I say no she says yes and vice versa. she shouts and hits I stay or at least try not to shout and stay as calm as humanly possible. My biggest thing at the moment is that she will not do anything. her room is a complete disaster zone. I packed all her toys into a box and told her she had to earn them back. she could have cared less. She has started with I wish I could die and this is the worst day of my life. I keep asking her why and she says stuff like she is board, she has to clean her room, etc. I think she knows that it upsets me when she says staff like that. the punishing as in take away toys did not work and the reward system worked even less. any suggestions please

0

By Lucy Mauterer
- commented on Sep 12, 2012

6942

Gila, does your little girl get much exercise? Also, what is her diet like? Does she eat plenty of fruits and veggies with less sugary and starchy foods? Does she get enough healthy proteins? Seriously, exercise can really help. Picnics at the park where you take a soccer ball or jump rope or whatever fun thing that will get her moving enough to break a sweat would be really good for her if she is otherwise healthy. Wear her out in the sunshine. Sun exposure is wonderful for the mood. Some bored children just aren't getting enough exercise. Could this be the case?

By Amanda Baillie
- commented on Sep 24, 2012

215

My 6 year old and my 5 year old daughters do the same when it comes to cleaning their rooms. I have thrown toys away my 6 yr old didn't care my 5 yr old cried. We now just have less toys and it's easier to keep clean. Every week my 5yr old brings me her dirty laundry and asks me to do it. But cries when she has to clean her room, loves doing chores. My 6yr old cleans her room but won't bring me her laundry or tell me when she needs clean clothes. It's so hard having kids that are so different and difficult at the same time. Anyway I started a chore bag, talk back or be mean in anyway even tattling on a sister you grab a chore out of the bag. Has helped a lot.

I am so glad (not that I really thought I was the only one) that has the same problem. My 5 yr old daughter does the same with me but not so much with her dad. However, daddy is starting to take a really hard notice at what is going on and is helping me with the parenting alot more which is helping. I do remember being this way with my Mother as well and it did however continue until I was 18 and out of the house...lol I loved her, she loved me but we butted heads all the time. Dad was my savior and so it goes its kind of the same here in our household. Great topic and thanks for all the advice from everyone....good luck all!

0

By Missy Hawrysz Young
- Posted on Oct 5, 2011

09

I wish there was an easy answer, then I wouldn't have to ask the same question. I have 2 5 year olds and its like someone flipped a switch on the day they started kindergarten. They attended preschool last year and never had this problem, but THIS year its everything. Constant arguing, crying , whining, fighting with each other ( which they normally never did) mouthy!. One of my girls is always telling me shes going to hit me when shes angry. Now, we are not spankers so for her to say stuff like that is frustrating to say the least. And before someone tells me to start spanking, we initially tried that, and all she did was laugh at me. So, no go. I just want my sweet babies back! :)

0

By Lucy Mauterer
- commented on Sep 12, 2012

6942

Missy, I had one that laughed at me when I spanked her. She would laugh even when I knew I was spanking hard enough to really hurt. I switched immediately to using the ''bad chair" where she would have to face the wall until I said she could get up. If she complained, she got time added. I think if she had refused to sit in the chair, I would have just duct taped her to it. I'm pretty intolerant of defiance.Very independent child. That was my oldest. The second one was much easier and I am raising his daugher who is a dream child compared to my own. I don't negotiate, I don't bribe, I just command. And if one of them threatened to hit me, they would never watch TV again. And nowadays that would extend to the computer, the Kindle, the Nintendo DS and any other fun electronic toy. Instant cut off. I'm not much of a spanker either. Good luck.

By ADRIENNE HANER
- Posted on Oct 4, 2011

036

I have a 5 year old son and an 8 year old son & we all butt heads. My 5 year old throws things and talks back. Sometimes I leave the room and let him calm down. Other times I try to to talk to him calmly. He doesnt like that. But it does work. You have to try and stay calm

0

By Ayse Akiner
- Posted on Oct 4, 2011

011

I have a 3 and half year old daughter that hates me, her words, which makes me cry myself to sleep sometimes, She doesn't sleep and is very disruptive. We do the naughty step which sometimes works and sometimes doesn't. I feel like a bad mother sometimes because at points i want to run away and hide. I love my daughter dearly but hate the way her behaviour makes me feel. We are currently waiting to see a sleep therapist. I am hopeing that something eventually works. Her behaviour at school is very good so thats good but as soon as she comes out from school the bad behaviour starts .....help :(

0

By Nicci Traaseth
- commented on Oct 5, 2011

734

Hi Ayse. I'm so sorry to hear about the trouble with your little one. To this day, I'm still trying to figure out where the terrible two's came from because in our house, 3 was far worse than 2. For my daughter age 4 was far worse than 3. Age 5 was much better and now age 6 has been even better. I know how heartbreaking it is, at age 4 my daughter slapped me across the back of the head, kicked me in the sides and then grabbed two handfuls of hair telling me to get out of her room because she hated me and wanted to live in a different home. I suggested that maybe Mommy go call the friendly police officers and they would come take her to a new home because it's against the law for little girls to hit their mommies and use such cruel words. I left her room and called my mother-in-law. My daughter of course, thought I was calling the police and begged me to let her stay. Looking back, that sounds kind of harsh but I never again had her physically assault me. Knowing what I do now, I probably may have handled the situation differently. I most likely would have had her scream out the fit in her room and have her rejoin the rest of us once her tantrum was over with, but I didn't and I guess a little scare did my child good. Not saying that you should scare your child though!! The heartbreak I felt going through those few months was agonizing and exhausting. Staying consistent is always your best defense along with keeping your cool. In all of the advice we've gotten from our pediatrician, consistency is probably the greatest (and the most difficult). My only other advice is to praise the heck out of the good things she does and pay very little attention to the bad. I found that not talking to my daughter about her poor behavior made it seem less important to her to do. She wasn't getting that attention from me. If you find my post on here that I had written in June....I think it was the 28th....I just wrote a comment on that same post today on a few things we've just recently implemented in our house that has made life much easier. You might find it would work for you. Best of luck to you, don't let it get you down to much. It will get better and she'll love you even more for being the strong, unwavering mother she needs you to be.

By Liz Sutcliffe
- commented on Oct 5, 2011

04

Please have a watch of some of Jo frost 's video 's. You can go onto you tube or just google "super nanny". It's all about staying calm, giving warnings for undesirable behaviour and Following through! And also having some fun times with them so that you all start to like each othe again. I Found watching super nanny episodes really helped with my five year old.