Both Peter and Paul are attributed to building the foundations of the Catholic Church of Rome. The very scripture that the Church Fathers chose to be part of the cannon through the seven ecumenical councils was a difficult process of judgement.I would like to know when it was deemed irrefutable that the Rome Church decided to go against Paul's teaching to in Titus 1 v5 - 9. This clearly states the Church Fathers' position on the character and choice of 'overseers' on the Church. Say no more, this is why I do not agree with Celiabate Preists serving a congregational church.This is wikipedia info on it; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clerical_celibacyThis seems too harsh a directive, and I am sure that if one's spouce dies, one should be free to re-marry. This is good as the marriage vows state 'until death do us part'. There is no provision for divorce in this ceremony and vow before God however! So a priest who becomes single through widowhood in my opinion shouldn't be excluded from joining with another. Now to get totally liberal over this, and blow everyone away, I would argue there is a case for Homosexual partnerships provided they are of the same status as the Heterosexual ones with all the same exacting vows as the standard scriptural undertaking dictates. This means Gay from top to toe, which in my opinion is the 'naked and shameless' aspect of demanding un-natural calibacy from priests 'for the sake of the 'Kingdom of Heaven'.In my reasoning, there is little point in promoting something as un-natural and un-livable, at the expense of putting temptation into harms way by demanding such a high price from those who are called to minister to the flock of the Church.Seems to me the entity most likely to gain from discrediting Paul's writings is the Church of Rome. There has always been the hint of an inner circle of 'knowers'. That is why the so called Gnostic movement was such a threat. I think that when Origen collated all the first manuscripts, and set them out as a common cannon, he was wise to leave in what the Church of Rome did not want seen by the common man. He wrapped up the kernals in snippets of scripture, that would be their undoing if they created a different church on Earth to the one Paul and Peter founded. The anti-dote patches to outright heresies!Pehaps intecession as a form of prayer, both illuminates and creates the penumbric space between God and ourselves? This is where the 'ring of confidence' must be positioned in order that this margin protects ourselves and God from annihilism. So we may well have seen the effects of God bouncing off the walls of 'our manufactured reality'. Good thing we put a lot of magnets up as a containment field in that Hadron Collider, I can't imagine anything else withstanding such a 'shock wave'. It's all imaginary! You may as well have it wrapped in a cotton wool blanket.

I grapple a lot with Paul, as I am sure the Sanhedren and the early Church did. I just felt there was some kind of cover up. Untill I was reminded this morning of Acts 16 v6-7. The 'Spirit of Christ' would not allow Paul to go into Bithinya, and the 'Spirit of Jesus' would not let them pass. Also that in Paul's Second Letter to Timothy v16 -17, Paul says that all scripture is God Breathed.For some reason I wanted to look at what Reb Jeff might have written, and made reference to His Essay, on 'the Teblow effect', which I hadn't heard of before 'loading up' here to confess that I too deserted Paul.It makes sense to me anyway. I fell for a conspiracy theory too! Shame on me.I just thought Paul was 'on his own mission'! He whinged a lot, and complained of the 'thorn in his flesh'. This 'thorn' is our own human weakness. Our 'blind spot'. The one thankfully we don't get to see that often because it's obscured by our own 'pride and predjudice'. I must read more other stuff!I did think I might read Dante's Inferno over Christmas, but as I am subject to 'going off on one' at the moment, and taking fairly large doses of mood stabilisers, I don't want an antidote sample of going down the tubes! The couple of cups of coffee I just drank seems to do the trick quite nicely! Yup I cheat badly, and I am only cheating myself by doing it... I am sure there will be some retribution from the psychiatrist when I next get hauled up for being too 'high on caffeine, and fags'. Still I like being Human!I just drew a 'god particle'. I had some of the gold paint left from doing that icon, and sort of realised that it was all hidden in the 'gold paint'. I just allowed the different brush strokes to define a round 'halo effect' within a layered gold background. Works for me, because you can't actually 'see' God and live. On that basis we probably blew up the whole 'manifesto' by trying to get to see one. I think the 'Spirit of Christ' did exactly the same thing, and stopped science from doing it. If you are a strict scientist or belive that the order of creation does not allow for it's own destruction, I guess this too holds up.The closest thing I can imagine is The;hidden,within the 'Hidden'. Yea, right, so much for the tale of that (Higgs Bosun Particle Tail), and Moses having the 'cheek' to ask to 'See God' Face to face. Does anyone ever actually read the scripture enough to understand that something representational of 'The God Partical' can't be seen in our little 'Fold' of 'God's Mantle'. Humanity already exists 'Within;('The mantle of God')'.It might bounce off the walls of our own little cosmos, and nip in and out of 'oblivion' now and again, just to keep us happy, and asking more questions. I like God, He has a great sense of Humour. It's all folly,

I suppose this is a bit off the wall, but I think my 'friends will get it'. I have grappled in all sorts of ways with the Gospel of Christ. It has been an incredible journey from denial to acceptance. Part of that journey was discovering the beauty of Orthodox Icons and the word of scripture they enfold, and illuminate. This is my 'modern take' on the Theotokus style Icon. It is good practice if nothing else. I can't start writing Icons until late next summer as I don't have any income spare to buy the materials I need. However I do have some acrylic paints and the canvasses are not as time consuming to prepare (Ready made!). I will get to do them though. Absence makes the heart go fonder and stronger in desire to do the thing one wants. I am going to put these up as individual shots below as I want to crop them, and the multimedia package on here doesn't have a cropping facility. (Well not last time I looked, so I will look!). Nope!

I decided to just leave them like this anyway. I am pleased with it, it has been a few days very occupied with something as a gift. Our friends asked me to make an Icon for them. I think they might like the funky explanation for this picture. I will explain...For me it doesn't matter what conspiricy theories anyone comes up with as to if or how Jesus was born into Humanity. It doesn't even matter to me if He was 'Divine' in the sense that 'The Church' says He is Divine. When it comes down to it, Without the Historical Jesus of Nazareth, we would have no Church.Without 'The Church' even with all it's HORRIBLE History, we would not have the opportunity to read the Bible. AND, without the Bible, which is the whole point of Christianity, we would never have any help living a simple day to day life. In the Bible there is the possibility of seeing ourselves as we truly are, and meeting with ourself, and God in a new way that heals and restores our broken-ness.To be 'Christ-Like', is our calling as Christians, it's an army assault course of ups and downs, (mostly a lot of slithering around in the dark in a swamp as far as I am concerned), but if you can 'hear God's voice' calling once or twice, it's definately possible to just go in the right direction. You get to hear God's voice loud and clear by reading the Bible a lot, because the promise stands good, 'He opens His word to those who truly value it and thirst in their seeking for it'. Well I do, and I did, and I will continue to do so, because like Peter said, 'where shall we go, Lord'! Jesus is real for me!

The haloes shone gloriously when the sun caught on the work this morning. I am still not decided on finishing the hand. I need to do Mary's hand and start adding the highlights in her veil. Then I need to complete Jesus's face, and to highlight both their faces. It's quite a modern look to it, which is what I think will suit our friends. After all the Church must stay relevent in every age. I am quite tired now as I have been at this all day except stopping for lunch.

I don't exactly know why I want to leave Christ's arm white, it just looks right. The same with the white lines on Mary's neck. It's as though they would both die of sorrows. Mary foreknew the fate of Jesus, and I have no doubt she talked with him about his mission and calling. To live with this prior knowledge must have been suffocating at times, if not all the time.I just paint how it comes, and stick with what I fel looks right and fills a need for me to express something. It seems to make some sense on a deep level. Also that Jesus is using his left hand to raise Mary's face, rather than the traditional right hand. It just sort of painted it'self that way.No More now I need a rest.

This is how far on the painting has moved. I have a desire to paint Mary's hand with a chrome prosthesis type hand. My Husband says this would be very challenging and I would be called a heretic. Well that's not new! It's just that in some way or another there are few people in the world if any that have not been involved with, or affected by this age of technology. I would like to think that technology has the opportunity to embrace Jesus as we do. We are after all trying to create, and probably have created artificial intelligence. I think it somehow inhabits this virtual world of the web.Modern icon style Painting. It's not an Icon, so I will spell it with a little i. It isn't a traditional thing to paint such on canvas, or with acrylics. I also mixed the 'Gold' using chrome paint, and yellow and some red. It worked out fine. I believe that Jesus redeemed all of creation when He Died and Rose from the dead, so I probably have a more Eastern Orthodox view of a redeemed world. It is our choice to make, if we choose Jesus as being the one through whom God made a redemption plan for every living thing, and the whole of creation it'self. We do have to come to a point of stepping into this redeemed world, and learning to live in it, in the every day, and in every moment in things we do. It takes practice.

I thought I would post this up while I am waiting for it to dry. Strangely seeing it on my laptop helps me to decide what to do next. I am up for the veil and shirt, so need to mix a true turquoise, this will be fun!Those lines could look cleaner on Mary's veil. I also found something wonderful in positioning Jesus' hand under her chin. In Iconography Mary represents the Church. I found Jesus lifting up her face, because I had to reposition the hand higher to 'lift' Mary's chin. I was angry yesterday, but the Church's real calling is to be the body of Christ in every generation. Even in such shame as I was mentioning yesterday, With repentance and full on change, the Church herself is lifted up by Christ Jesus.

This is the next stage, I am going to take a break until tomorrow. I am doing this for a Christmas present for our friends, so I would like to have it ready by late tomorrow. I am finding some odd things with this painting. I find that the child Jesus has a claw mark on his face, and that Mary has a split lip where She kissed it better. It's like our desire for technology has tried to obsucre the face of Christ in our modern world. He was not due for death untill the Cross, and Cruicifiction. This is how it had to happen. Jesus asked that this 'Cup of Death' be taken from him, yet he still went through with the task He was sent for. This is the true miricle, that this child Jesus, grew to be the Man Jesus, and finished the work he was sent to do. This takes courage and faith. This is His gift to us. That through knowing the Gospel of Christlikeness, we to can step beyond ourselves and become like Him. Truly knowing Faith, Trust, and Hope in a God who saves to utmost. I need to get my lines back in next, do Mary's veil, and highlight the skin tones. I haven't decided what to do about the hand. Sleeping on those decisions helps. I like the idea of symbolising the technical word coming under Jesus Christ.

It's going to be Mary and Jesus, and I am hoping it's good enough when it's finished to give some friends.I suppose it's like most things, without a lot of practice I have to work at getting it to look right. My lines are just beginning to emerge. It seems odd to be doing thin in acrylic at an easel, rather than sitting and using tempera. It isn't an Icon because it's not in traditional format. More later.I just read on RT that the Catholic Church in Holland had been the subject now of child molesting. This is so bad I don't even want to talk about it. That this is all the Catholic Church has become, a horror of child abuse. I am sure it happens everywhere else, and in other denominations. I find in the Icon of Mary Mother and Tenderness, a desire on Mary's part a desire to sheild her child of all that the 'Church' will do to him. I can see no reson in scripture to have a celibate priesthood. Mary herself was married, and Joseph very much head of the household. He was also the father figure Jesus needed to set his example. There is no grounding for the Catholic priesthood to be single. Monks are different. They have chosen to live a celibate life without the temptations of child abuse in monastic orders.I am a bit dopey from taking more tablets, but even now I feel so angry at what this Catholic Church of Rome does behind closed doors. I hope all children and people wh have suffered this abuse come forward, and see this awful practice, that the Catholic Church of Rome condones by cover ups.It's about time to clean up the Church properly.

Yup, Both my Psychiatrist and Registrar, and CPN. No expense spared! I explained I thought I was generally between 5-6, but was 'spiking' off the scale for a few moments and getting that all time and space existing in the same moment sensation. This is accompanied by very acute hearing and vision, and people around me seem to glow and look perfect.I was told I am very contageous right now, and that I had to be careful. I was explainging that in moving My Husbands mother this morning that she doesn't seem to be able to move herself unless I guided her and kept my hand on her to 'lift her up'. This was very successful, but that is what gave me the 'spike' this morning when we got her to her room. It was a ginormous one!I got told I have a slightly lop sided grin that gives away that I am high and that it makes everybody else feel better and smile, but that I need to keep myself away from friends over this Christmas and be very quiet. No Beer at all! and no coffee unless it's decaffinated. My Husband said he would take me to Coopers Coffee shop who is the main importer and blender here in Jersey to see if they had something I enjoy that's decaffinated. I will give up the beer if I can have a decent cup of coffee in the morning.It's difficult not to get high and mesmerised by all the flashing lights and Christmas decorations twinkling. This is realy why we don't have many. We put up a nice swag over the mantel, and use lots of candles, which I find relaxing, instead of flashing electric lights. I think I also need to stop drinking ginger beer, even though it's not alcoholic, it makes me feel drunk. Anything sugary seems to do it.I was told I was a high priority as they don't want me back in hospital. I don't mind, but I would rather not be. I also think I need to stop using this as much, as this might be making me 'high'. If you do visit, I might not post every day for a bit. I need to get some kind of stability, and I need a dark cardboard box for that!I am going to try laying out that picture and hopefully have it coming together over the next couple of days so I will take some photos as I do it. I like doing this blog thing, but I don't want it to be obsessive. I would also like to go shopping, and get my Husband something nice for Christmas, but as I am high I would definately spend 'too much' money! He would be worth every penny spent on Him. I must just go and buy a card. Perhaps we could choose something He would like together.Well that's all for today, have a blessed sleep with lots of wonderful things to do tomorrow.

I dont' have any Lefkas, or preparation, so it's a bit like that situation in my dream. I want to do some kind of painting with Mary holding the Christ Child in her arms and Gazing at Him. I want both theri faces illuminated with a darkened background of sanqiur. Almost a reversal of what an Icon looks like with the gold backgound, and the light in the picture eminating from their divine relationship.Fully illuminated by each other, and somehow spilling light into the viewer. I have already started on one of the canvasses my Husband just bought me. I just have this feeling that needs to express it'self coming from my 'gut'. I wonder how my hands will be guided, and all the colours melting on my stay wet pad mixing themselves to exactly the right shades.I do want to write icons. It's just I haven't the preparation in hand, nor enough materials, so I will use what I have close at hand. I am sure God won't mind. I will take the same steps in prayer. I wonder if this is the 'icon' gift our friends desire me to paint for them in France. It seems this work has long been with-held in me. I will start to get the proper Lefkas bought or produced when I have the means, but I have a desire and urgency to begin now, and with no further delay or excuse.It is not typical, or traditional to use acrylic. But needs must! I just want this feeling to be made real in a work of my hands. I meet with my psychiatrist this afternoon, so I wonder what conversation this will bring. We have successfully moved my mother in law to her new home this morning. My Husband orchestrated it all so well, but I know we both may be exhausted by this afternoon and leave another visit to the home until tomorrow. I have asked if I can use the facilities at the home to go and do both their hair. This seems to be possible. I am off to eat lunch now, and take the dog for a walk for half an hour!

I had a dream last night that I was shoved in the 'pulpit' to lead a service. During the first hymn there was someone beside me who gave me the hymn numbers. I was completely unprepared, had no service order, or sermon. I was completely perplexed, and couldn't imagine the shape of this service.After the first Hymn I decided to pray, that Jesus would guide this service for us. Yet I couldn't say the word Jesus. It just came out as an unintelligable dark depth of sound. I kept trying, just to say his name. I for got the congregation, and kept making odd sounds, yet they were becoming clearer. Finally I said the name Jesus in an intelligable way, and suddenly found myself back in the pulpit, all the congregation were now crying, and hugging each other. Once they hugged one person they went and hugged others, until groups of 'huggies' were happening. It was a great dream. There was jubilation, a great sense of fullfilment. I just stood in the pulpit amazed. We seemed to be joined with voices in the heavenly realms. The 'service' took on a life of it's own, and the people greeted each other as new people arrived to join the service. They were all talking, and this buzz of excitement was tangeable, rising up to where I stood watching. Somehow the service happened anyway in a kind of haphazard mish mash of groups of people finding their own way to express their joy. No one was leaving, just more and more people arriving!I had only managed to say the name of JESUS, and all this happened. I wonder if in my dreamscape I am alos entwined with Christ Jesus? That all these are the chosen of Christ, and those who are liberated from the debt of life. We all have the ability to cross over on the bridge of eternal life to eternal life in the presence of God. We don't have to wait until death to receive this gift of eternal life that we live in 'the debtor's prison'. Jesus made this possible.I would love to see the cross taken, and placed in the pulpit of every Church. That all that is preached is Jesus Christ, Savior and redeemer of the Poor. And that we all have the ears to hear his name and love the sound. May we all join with the Heavenly Choirs this Chrismas, to welcom the newborn Child of Christ in our Hearts and Minds, that we too are redeemed from our own selves.That which is darkness in our subconscious mind, and shuns the light by hiding withing the bindings of the book of our lives. We are all held together by Sacrificial Love. Not simply our Desires and Hopes.Perhaps the cup of blessing we share at covenant, is pressed truly from Faith in the Sacrificial Love of Jesus Christ. The outworking of God's desire for us as his children to rise above our lost cause of Human endevour to build 'towers of our own making', and the Hope of true Redemption, in that all is possible with God. We are entwined within the wings of His Healing Love, and will always remain so, even when we are awake or asleep to the 'World' we know in our daily comings and goings.Perhaps I might try to see if I can re-instate my lay preaching career. I found it difficult to know when or if I should go back on the Methodist plan. Going to church might help, because I have strayed a long way away from regular worship. I don't know if I could, not without my mind being less wordy!The sun has come out, and we are moving my mother in law to the new care home this morning. Somehow both my Husband and I feel exhausted every time we visit either of our oldies. Perhaps more later.

I am so often 'in a dream' both awake and asleep. I hardly ever seem to be awake. This morning I actually awoke at about 6.30 am with the sound of the hail and wind lashing my windows. Then I felt awake for a few hours. Well that was until I took my tablets and they kicked in about 20 minutes later! It has been a pretty soggy day since then.Aunties dress turned out fine. I did make it a bit too big for her so sadly it doesn't fit as i would like it to. The reason I made it bigger is because other people have to dress her, and it's easier to dress an old lady who is a bit stiff if the garment is a little loose. I put different colours of the same buttons on it, as that's what I had. I thought it might make it more interesting for the person dressing her to do up the buttons. I would say to myself, a pink button, a blue button, just to have a little chat with aunty as I was doing up her buttons. The dress is big enough to go over her little jumpers in the winter, and be worn without one in the summer. I would like to find a little belt for it next. I also made her a blouse and took it, but she doesn't like it. I think it might be ok for spring!We are now moving my Husband's mother to the same care home, so all this 'trauma' we have been feeling just underlying everything since we found she has had a bleed on the brain hopefully will calm down a bit soon. The residential care she was in could not keep her any longer as she needs much more assistance. If she deteriorates much more I don't know if the hospital will be the next stage. I keep telling my Husband just to take it all one day at a time. We will just not know more than what each day brings.I think this is where realy trusting God for everything like this helps me. I would be a wreck if I took it on board. Sadly I didn't seem to be able to calm myself over that building project. However today was a good day for that too. I have re-negotiated what I think is fair to everybody, and the builder has agreed to come back and see if we can actually put in a vented out extractor in the kitchen. I also managed to get a new cooker for the flat today for under £400. It's annoying, but even having had the cooker cleaned it still looks shabby, worn out, and evidently the tennents have issues with it. We obviously have a far higher standard of expectations over letting property and it's maintainance than in other places like the UK. It's because we are an Island, and although the market is finite from a space point of view, it is a buyers/renters market. I just can't spend much more on it, It is supposed to be an investment, not a nightmare burden!I am going to be totally skint for another year, so I guess I will have to get off my derriere after chrismas and find a little job, or create something for income. Perhapse sell some paintings! I don't think I have the confidence to actually do an exhibition, it's scary! (Get over it woman, you need some money for fripperies)....