The Devil Disguised as a Wish

This is about wanting something very badly.

This is about wanting something so badly that I wished on every star, held my breath through every tunnel, and blew out the candles of my recurring birthdays while that wish did not come true. And then, while browsing at a boutique with my mum a year ago, purchasing a handmade wish bracelet, to be tied tightly around my wrist; when the bracelet fell off on its own, I was told, my wish would come true.

Months went by, and the string of my bracelet slackened. Its threads warped in the shower. It snagged on my bracelets. It always looked like it was going to come off soon. Soon, I told myself. Soon, it will come off, and soon, what I want so incredibly badly is going to happen.

I had a Tarot reading two days ago. The woman asked me if I had a specific question, and I did. I asked about the circumstances surrounding my wish.

My Past card was about decision-making in perilous times. My Present card was about flow and harmony. My Future cards predicted wealth and prosperity — the Four of Wands and the Ten of Pentacles.

The only problem was that the Present was being blocked by a card I’d never seen before: The Devil.

The goat-Devil looked up at me, flaming hooves and all.

“This is the trouble,” said the reader. “Something is blocking… all of the good things. So many good things are coming to you, but this–” and here she tapped the Devil card “–is something that you need to figure out.”

I knew what it was. It was this wish that I’d been carrying around with me, souring me every time I thought of it — its unfulfilled promise, and my profound hope that it would let me go by coming true. I had not been able to let go of it. I had tried. I had performed rituals, and refrained from making calls and writing emails; I had done all of the superficial things that would seem to indicate that I was ready to move on.

So today, after taking a shower, I stood fresh and clean and tore off the bracelet. The little red stone flew; the string snapped with a tug. The wish bracelet, my manacle, my protector, was no longer with me. And I’ve been wanting to cry, and simultaneously feeling relieved, ever since.

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This is profound! I have been shackled in a similar fashion with a wish, that became a prayer — that morphed into a consuming entity all its own — for nearly ten years now. Though I possess no bracelet, I have other silent reminders…. I have been moving toward the realization that I must move past the wish. Yet, I am left with the question, “What becomes of it then?” (Thank you ever so much for posting this article!)

Kiki – Thanks for writing! I deliberately kept the details of my wish vague in the piece, because I know what so many people are in similar situations, or have been shackled by dreams/wishes/hopes in the past. We need to move on sometimes. In my case, I’m trying to replace it with something better.

About Esmé

Esmé Weijun Wang is an award-winning writer and advocate. At The Unexpected Shape, she provides resources that assist ambitious people who live with limitations, allowing them to develop both resilience and mastery on the path to building a legacy. Her debut novel, The Border of Paradise, is now available for purchase.

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