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My insurance company approved the deep TMS therapy with the Brainsway machine and I start next week. Just knowing I am going to start something new is making me feel some better already because I have some hope. I am also nervous about it because it does hurt and I have fibromyalgia which means that I have a very low tolerance to pain. So thereís that. But if I am one of the ones that benefits from it, it will be worth it. If I am not, I will likely be even more depressed than before because this is my last legal and practical hope. The only other thing is marijuana which is illegal where I live and even if it wasnít, I cannot begin to afford it.
So I am hoping this works for me. I will update this thread with my experiences and thoughts as I go through so if anyone else is considering it they can learn from my experience, good bad or indifferent.
Going to try to get some sleep soon.

Thank you for the well wishes. I have had my first two treatments. The first thing I observed is the level of discomfort/pain is not near as bad as I thought it would be. They do scale up the intensity. My first treatment I was at 100% of my motor threshold. The second day we went to 110%. My pain level during treatment on the first day was about a 3. Very manageable. Second day, more intense so pain level increased to a 5. If not for the breaks in between the pulses, I might not have made it but in between each 4 second series of pulses, is a 20 minute rest. That rest is very important to help me recover from the last series and prepare for the next. The tapping feels like a judgeís wooden gavel is tapping on the side of your head. Annoying! But as medical procedures go, very do-able.
When the pulses occur, my eyes twitch and water. My hand clenches. Interestingly enough, on my first treatment my right hand clenched. On the second day my left hand clenched. The nurse said that was an anomaly and got the doctor. The doctor adjusted the helmet position and then I was clenching both hands. He asked about my medications and I told him. He advised a change in the time I take one of them and said we will see what happens tomorrow. Iíll try to keep up with the updates yíall.

So I finished the week with 4 treatments because I started on a Tuesday. I came home and felt so tired. I just slept all weekend. I woke up several times and I was very depressed each time. I did not go to church or spend time with family or anything. I just slept. Now itís Sunday night and I should be sleeping and instead I am anxious 😟 about the coming week. Sigh. Seriously. I slept Friday night Saturday morning and afternoon. Then Saturday night and most of the day Sunday. Now I am awake.
During my waking periods I just kept wishing I could die. No thoughts of acting on that at all. Just passively wanted to pass away in my sleep. I would get up for an hour or two and eat and care for the dogs and then go back to sleep.
I have noticed a headache in various places but I donít know for sure if it is because of the TMS. It could be because of the fibromyalgia. My doctor says sometimes TMS actually works on fibromyalgia too, so if I have results with depression I may also have them with fibromyalgia. I am under tremendous guilt and shame right now because of not sleeping. I have to get up in 3 hours!
I am hating myself and dreading Monday.
Obviously, TMS is not yet working for me. Itís not supposed to be working this fast so I am not too concerned about that.
My two main concerns are: the memory loss issues. And of this doesnít work , I have no hope because this was my last resort.
I spoke briefly with another patient on Friday and she is in her fifth week and has noticed some improvement in the depression but also noticed diminished short term memory. So I am not alone in this.
Oh well. Onward to see what tomorrow brings. Because ready for it or not, the sun will come out tomorrow. Sigh.

Fifth treatment completed. I did not think I would even make it to this one because I am so depressed. I just canít move. So tired. No energy. Reached out to my therapist but we have not connected. Going to just ride it out, I guess. Thatís what I did before TMS so why not now. Tomorrow is looking overwhelming from here but maybe once it comes it wonít be.

Made it to the sixth treatment today. I reached out to the doctor and he stated that it is not the TMS thatís making me more depressed. It is just the normal course of my depression. He stated that he emphatically believed that I would be feeling this bad without the TMS, if not worse. He also stated that it is too early in the treatment for the TMS to be expected to be making me better. In other words, itís too early to tell whether or not the TMS is going to work for me. Sigh.

He did state however, that if I am not seeing any improvement by the end of next week I maybe should consider ECT. When I get very depressed, as I am now, I donít tend to speak up for myself a lot. Even so, I just donít feel ECT is right for me. I did bring up the thought of having seizures, medically induced or not, is very troubling to me. He (the doctor) tried to reassure me that it was not painful that I was would be sedated and it would last less than five minutes. That didnít decrease my apprehension at all. I do not want ECT. It is not right for me. Even so I am proceeding with the TMS.

Todayís treatment went without incident. I am concerned as to whether not I will be able to make it to tomorrowís treatment due to the severity of the depression which gives me an extreme amount of fatigue as well as very little motivation to do anything. I do want to complete the TMS treatment partially because I want to know whether or not it works for me. I have fears that it will work for me and fears that it wonít work for me.

If it does work for me, I am concerned about how that will change everyoneís expectations of me, and whether or not I will be able to meet their new expectations. Of course, if it doesnít work for me then Iíve exhausted my last resort. What more is there to hope for? So, you see, it is difficult for me to deal with either way. I am hopeful that this outlook being so negative is based in the depression and is not reality. But I can only go forward from here and see what happens.

My faith in God is helping me to get through this. I am grateful for His help, and I am grateful for some of the gifts He has given me. Chief among them would be my friends and my dog. And it may sound superficial but I am also very grateful for air-conditioning. I tend to get very ill physically if I get overheated and so air-conditioning makes my life tolerable and for that Iím grateful.

I did connect with my therapist today. I was relieved to hear her voice but also somewhat disappointed because none of her suggestions really seem to help. It did help knowing that she was there and she cares. None of the more practical suggestion she had actually help me with my depression at all. That is not normally the case. Normally after speaking with my therapist I feel heard and listened to, validated and we generally work to form a plan together on how to proceed from where I am, wherever that might be. And she did try to make this conversation like the previous successful ones. Nothing that she suggested we try to plan seemed to really work well for me. Again, I am guessing that thatís just due to the severity of the depression. Hopefully I will be able to make it to treatment tomorrow and I will try to update this post as well then.

I hope this ongoing post is helpful to someone at some point.
Please remember that this is just my experience and everyone is different. Keep that in mind. TMS is effective more than 50% of the time, as of 2018, deep tms is said to have some positive effect in 65-70% of patients with many patients completing treatment depression free! Or so they tell us. 😉

Tough week. Missed treatment on Wednesday because I was too depressed to go. Then missed again on Friday mostly because the driver was late and the nurse couldnít work me in late, so I ended up not going. I canít say I was upset. I am so depressed I donít want to go anywhere or do anything.
If I cannot resolve my transportation issues I might not go any more after the 7 which is Tuesday of next week. Nothing else to update.

Managed to go only 3 times this week. Not doing better yet anyway. I didnít get my transportation issues resolved to my liking so I had to switch providers. Gonna keep trying.
One good thing happened this week. I was able to see my normal pdoc who I have seen for years. I told him about the antidepressant pooping out and he has a plan that can go in effect if the TMS doesnít work. So I feel better about that. I missed him so much! It was good to be able to see him again.
I will try to be more diligent in updating this. Thank you.