Dream relationship became a nightmare

Ben Schneiders -Nov 26, 2012

Siobhan Kent thought her partner was the love of her life, until the emotional and physical violence began. Photo: Alex Ellinghausen

FOR the first few years of her relationship, Siobhan Kent did not have an inkling that things would later turn so bad. That one day she could turn up to work with her arms marked with bruises and her spirit battered.

Her partner was someone she thought she would spend her life with. ''He was the love of my life, I thought we were going to get married eventually,'' she says. ''It was fine for the first few years or so, I was working in media and PR [public relations] and he had a good career going also, we were living by the beach and doing other ventures on the side.''

Siobhan, who was living in Sydney when she met him, gave up her career to pursue a shared dream together. They uprooted their lives to start a business in Queensland and threw themselves into the new endeavour.

''We were seen as the couple who had it all, we had everything anyone could ever want together.''

But in time, as the business started to turn sour, so did their relationship. ''He was trying to exert his control in other areas, over me.''

And from then the abuse started, both physical and emotional. ''Mentally, I didn't feel like I could live. I felt trapped. He told me 100 times a day that I was pathetic, ugly, worthless and that I was an insult to be around,'' she says. ''You start to believe that.''

There was also physical violence. The attacks on her were so bad that Siobhan was hospitalised many times from her injuries.

It was a position that she never expected to find herself in, as an educated woman with a good career. But her story is not unusual.

Australian Bureau of Statistics figures from 2005 suggest that partner violence happens to women from all types of backgrounds. About one in six women had experienced domestic violence from either a previous or current partner. That's about 1.3 million women.

Academics say that changing the attitudes of men is important in tackling violence against women and that abuse should not be seen as a private matter. Rather, abusers need to be told calmly that it is not all right.

University of Wollongong senior lecturer Michael Flood, a researcher on men's violence, says events such as White Ribbon Day on Sunday are important as they involve thousands of men in the community taking a stand against violence. ''We'll fail to stop men's violence against women unless we can engage a large number of men in taking everyday action,'' he says.

Siobhan - now championing the White Ribbon anti-violence message at her work and in her private life - says if one of her ex-partner's friends had pulled him aside about his behaviour ''that would have made the world of difference to me.

''I was isolated; just one offer of assistance from someone would have helped,'' she says. ''His best mate was working for us and he knew it had been happening, he had seen things.''

Even when Siobhan left her partner, the harassment, if anything, got worse. With her money tied up in the business, she felt she had nowhere to go but to keep working. ''I had to keep turning up to work with bruises all over my arms,'' she says.

Then, in early 2010 she took the big decision and abandoned her life in Queensland. ''I got in my car and drove, I didn't stop driving for eight hours.'' In the rear-view mirror she kept looking for the distinctive car that they owned through the business, but it never appeared. ''I was terrified.''

She arrived back with her parents, and started to rebuild. Although her former partner tried to call for months and had beaten down the door at her old house, she was free. Now, working in public relations for a government department, she feels ''really, really lucky'' to have resumed her career where she had left off.

But some pain from the abuse may never end. ''I'm never going to be fully healed. I haven't had a proper relationship since then, but I don't know if that's the reason why. But I do know that now, nearly three years on, I'm the strongest and happiest I've ever been.''