Suicide is the new Pokemon

Suicide has ceremonial importance in samurai culture, wherein shame was bad and killing yourself was considered noble. And today, Japan has the world’s ninth highest rate of suicide, which is pretty impressive for a place that small.

I think about how horrible that concept is. And then I flip channels and see the endless parade of losers on daytime television — Jerry Springer’s scumbags, Montel’s pathetic losers, Oprah’s self-absorbed clowns, re-runs of Larry King and his nightly parade of self-pitying celebs — and I wonder if the Japanese are onto something.

Death by New, Improved Tide

Suicide is now daily news in Japan. It’s become a ritual, much like fighting for mall parking during the holidays or those yells they do at Aggie football games. Hundreds have taken the easy way out so far this year.

A lot of folks have been using detergent and a cleaning concoction to create a deadly gas to kill themselves. What a bunch of lazy bastages. Any clown can sit at home and down toxic stuff to do the job. This is the country that gave us miniaturized electronics, legendary director Akira Kurosawa and anime (i.e., cartoons where everyone has big eyes).

The least they could do is come up with something original, such as Death By Subway Pushing Guy, or Death by Outrageous Game Show. Or my personal favorite: Death by Godzilla.

The creepiest detergent death so far is the farmer who poisoned himself. As he died awaiting treatment at a hospital, he vomited. Fumes from that vomit poisoned 84 innocent bystanders.

Somewhat happy ending

The best story to come from the wave of suicides is of the retired Japanese cop, who trolls a scenic seaside cliff, which is the country’s No. 1 site for suicide…wait. I have to let that sink in. The country actually has a preferred suicide location.