Tag: birth

A year ago, at this moment, I was either calling my Mom, waiting for the epidural to be placed, or asking one of the doctors/interns floating around how many centimeters dilated the mother-to-be was. Or maybe I was quickly eating a McDonald’s snack wrap hoping to get another energy boost as my body started to fade…

As I already mentioned, it started last night. Well, 1 year ago last night. That’s when Lisa, The Woman, started feeling contractions. Not too surprisingly, they kept us up. We were only a few days shy of her actual due date, so this was expected. Of course that didn’t stop me from feeling completely unprepared – but at least I was ready to be unprepared…

Anyway, in case you couldn’t guess, nothing happened that night. We finally went to bed sometime after midnight, only to be woken by impending contractions around 4 in the morning. These ones kept us up for a couple of hours. After many failed attempts to properly count them, it was determined that they were not getting closer. But while the little lady decided to go back to sleep and rest up, I gave into the dawning day and headed into work early. If we were going to make a list of mistakes made that day, this would probably be listed #1.

Regardless, work went smoothly. Billy (my tech) was even nice enough to grab some lunch for me at McDonald’s. This is important to note, since I wouldn’t get to eat outside of the hospital for another 3 days – and can you guess what fast food place was located in said hospital? Yeah, anyway, work managed to slightly distract me long enough for the inevitable phone call to come.

Now you may hear a different version of this story. One in which I take my sweet time getting home. But the important part is that Lisa’s water broke, she called me and I eventually made my way to her with 2 slices of pizza. Nothing else in that part of the story matters, so let’s just move along…

As much as I’d like to finish this tonight, some really strange typos might start creeping in, so we’ll pick up tomorrow morning with us arriving at the hospital.

Tonight was our last birthing class. Apparently our spawn will not remain inside The Woman forever, and will indeed come out in a somewhat disturbing… uh… I mean beautiful way. Alright, let’s face it. These days we have unlimited access to TV shows covering every conceivable scenario when it comes to giving birth – and in rather graphic detail. So by the time you make it to these classes, you should have a pretty darn good idea of what lay ahead.

Nevertheless, when going through this information – especially in video form – along with total strangers, many glances and nervous laughs will be exchanged. Sooner or later all of the men will hone in on the same thought, “Thank god it’s not me.” We just do not have the natural fortitude to handle childbirth. That’s not just me trying to score points with the misses – it’s an honest assessment. The human race would have died off long ago if the genders switched childbearing rolls.

Humorously, after watching the explicit video during the first class, it was one of the expectant mothers than turned around and said, “Did that freak you guys out?” But, to be fair, her husband might have simply been in shock.

Tonight may have been the most traumatizing personally. We covered the epidural and – holy crap – that thing looks worse than the pain. I mean, let’s get one thing straight: I’m the man. The extent of my discomfort will be lack of sleep and maybe a sore hand if she squeezes too hard. So I have absolutely no say about medication. The Woman gets what The Woman wants. But I have to admit that after seeing the epidural and hearing about the drawbacks *shudder* attempting to keep it natural has so much more appeal. Especially when it was pointed out that the husband is often kicked out of the room for it partially because he might PASS OUT… W!T!F! Are you serious? At least the videos of cesareans took my mind off that…

In all honesty, the class was pretty useful in evening out the expectations. The teacher was a birthing doula and presented all of the options in a very straightforward and unbiased way. Unfortunately that still doesn’t change the fact that… HOLY CRAP!… I’m going to be a DAD in under TWO MONTHS…

Maybe that means it’s time for me to stop posting to my blog at midnight… the again, when else will I be able to?