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From kids to spouses to co-workers, people can and do get angry or upset. Once an argument begins, rarely does anything get accomplished besides both of you becoming more angry. Wouldn't it be great to just stay out of an argument right from the start?

Ask yourself these 4 questions: Is the matter important enough to warrant an argument? Is it appropriate to argue about the matter, or at this time? Can anything be changed, made different by prevailing in the argument? Is the issue worth arguing about? If you get a NO answer to any of these questions, there is no point in arguing. Sometimes realizing there is no benefit to arguing is enough to eliminate the temptation to argue. (A mnemonic for this is "I AM Worth it.")

If you often argue with a person, plan and practice staying calm. Plan a short conversation, with a specified stopping time. You don't need to tell the other person. Plan to enjoy a reward if you make it through your conversation without falling into an argument. Plan a (mild) punishment if you don't. Go into the conversation focused on your goal of maintaining your composure. Whenever any difficulties arise, remind yourself of your goal and the punishment if you fail to meet your target. Give yourself permission to withdraw early if you feel heat.

Learn to recognize when a discussion is no longer a discussion, but is escalating to an argument: Raised voices, flushed face or neck, hairs on the back of your neck stand up, feeling defensive. A good mutual discussion involves both sides listening and attempting to understand each other.

Know that others know where to find your buttons. If they really want to win an argument, they'll push 'em, too. When you recognize someone approaching your buttons, think to yourself, "Ah-hah! This is becoming an argument!"

Say these words in the calmest tone of voice you can muster: "I love", "I care about", or "I respect" you too much to argue with you." If you can, add: "I'll be glad to talk with you when we can both be calm."

Try not to listen too much to the content of what they're saying back to you. Remember, they're TRYING to push your buttons. They may even say something like "You're so stupid you can only come up with that to say."

I have a girl in my class who turns everything into an argument. She calls me dumb if I say something inaccurate in the argument. I am only in a class of two people. How can I stop this situation?

Adelaide

Community Answer

I would tell her how you feel about her turning everything into an argument. Tell her that it annoys you and you'd like her to stop. You should also make it clear that it's okay if you have different opinions. People shouldn't attack one another for feeling differently about an issue. If she continues to attack you, you should report this to a teacher or another trusted adult.

I told my friend's secret to everyone, and now everyone is blaming me. What should I do?

Community Answer

Everyone is blaming you because you did something wrong. Apologize to your friend sincerely, and don't make excuses for yourself. Apologize to the other friends in your group for putting them in an awkward position by telling them something they weren't supposed to know about. There's nothing more you can do other than saying you're sorry, but most likely this will all blow over before too long.

I have a friend who pushes my buttons and thinks it is funny. I have tried firmly asking her not to do this, but she just cries and makes me feel like it is my fault. What should I do?

Community Answer

She is a toxic friend. She pushes your buttons to get a reaction from you for attention, and then makes herself the victim when you react; this is sociopathic/narcissistic behavior. You need to get her out of your life; until she deals with whatever insecurities she has that are causing this behavior, it's not going to stop.

Warnings

If you become angry, know that you won't be able to think calmly, and you'll probably say or do something you might regret. Words, once spoken, can never be taken back. You might sincerely apologize, but it doesn't erase the memory. Think before you speak.

DON'T laugh. When you see this working, you may be tempted to smile or laugh at the excitement of finally finding something that works. Don't do it. This'll just irritate the person and make it worse. Wait until you're alone, then enjoy the moment.

DON'T use this to squelch all conversation. If a topic needs discussion, do it. You might initiate the conversation this way: "I could see we weren't accomplishing much earlier. Is this a good time to finish our discussion?"

About This Article

wikiHow is a “wiki,” similar to Wikipedia, which means that many of our articles are co-written by multiple authors. To create this article, 22 people, some anonymous, worked to edit and improve it over time. This article has been viewed 77,569 times.