Monday, June 5, 2017

ROBOTRIX: THE REBOOT

When I wrote the review for this robotic jiggle-fest, I saw it on a scrambled looking dupe even back in 2012 (when things were saner in the U.S). Now an entirely new experience can be had once you’ve seen this brilliant flick in HD from Amazon Prime streaming, there’s just no contest! I mean, all credit goes to Chas Balun for introducing this Cat 3 favorite to the bootleg consuming gorehound public, but you haven’t lived until you’ve seen this film in high tech. Only a few years ago that wasn’t a possibility though, so I’m re-reviewing this (for the book if it ever comes out) and with a new perspective. All credit goes to Asian Crush and Fortune Star for this pristine restoration. There is one main difference however between this version and the uncut one. During one scene, a Terminator-esque character fucks a couple of girls to death and we see both his dick and their pubes but it's excised from this version (but if you really must see it, it's on various porn sites and of course Youtube in pure Cat 3 form).

Now that's what I call donkey punchin'.

Is it offensive, I would say mildly at best. Let me explain, for the Cat 3 rating/sub-genre, where I’ve witnessed retarded kids forced to make lattes for their special ed teacher (THE RAPE AFTER). I’ve watched in horror as Anthony Wong, the main offender of ghastly violence dismembers an entire family then serves them up in a Chinese Restaurant as a comedic device. So, no it wasn’t as shocking as the other films mentioned. If you are conservative and uptight about luscious female boobs then venture back to the dark ages where you belong and skip this one. The Russ Meyer elements belong to the knock out attractiveness (or ginormous boobies) of Golden Harvest staple Amy Yip and other assorted sexy babes.

This is goofy looking actor Jamie Luk Kim-Ming’s finest moment as a director, but he’s still acting and his last credit for Sword Master is as recent as 2016. He’s worked alongside many of the famed Cat 3 stars like Anthony Wong.

Johnny Cage in Facial-talicized The Mortal Kombat porn parody.

The busty and beautiful Aoyama Chikako gets to play the Peter Weller role as cop who’s recently died and returned from the operating table ready to fight. When Larry David mentions how he’d be more of a Christian had Jesus been a woman, he probably was thinking of Chikako’s resurrection.

standard bargain priced Oakland Chinatown gynecology.

So how did we get in this predicament anyhow? How else, a stupid Saudi Prince was to blame! Well, he looks more Italian to me, but at any rate the adorable Policewoman Linda Lam is his babysitter at a sex hotel. He tries to lure her into his scuzzy pool orgy, then knock out fumes put everyone asleep! Next, she gets a cap popped into her chest cavity and quickly dies—or does she? Detective Chou (David Wu Dai-Wai) pines for her after she dies, they got a special “thanng” going on if you catch my drift. Never mind that foreshadowing of a romantic encounter to wreak its sappiness later on, because we’re now at a kick ass robot convention! The Saudi Prince’s father “The Sheik” is a big robot investor, where we see a mural of a Heavy Metal magazine looking babe touching hands with God. A more recent reference for how this droid looks would be the Gazorpazorp sex robot from Rick and Morty. There’s a Leni Riefenstahl-esque supermen and women showcase of pleasure bots available for purchase, they lower them down on strings. The recent documentary “My Sex Robot” on Netflix comes to mind, if you see the road rash looking corpses they’re carting out for prostitution in that one, you realize this portion of futuristic fantasy will most likely never reach fruition, at least not for light years to come.

At the con, there’s a dude that looks like Sons of Anarchy, VH1 commentator Donal Logue but it’s never been actually confirmed. There’s also a David Arquette looking guy as well, I feel like this is Imdb up to its bullshit again.

Psychotic and suicidal droid dealer Ryuichi Yamamoto (Lam Chung), who I know from such classics as TOUCH AND GO and HER VENGEANCE is up to no good again. He uses a monitor that reminded me of the racist scene in BACK TO THE FUTURE 2, where the Asian guy was yelling “MCFRRYYY YOU’RE FIRED”, at Michael J. Fox in old age makeup. That scene is straight up offensive!

I'm even more offended that this shit hasn't come out yet!

Anyway, the evil automaton creator figures out a way to reincarnate your soul into a metal machine and live on CHAPPIE style! If you missed that cross breeding of SHORT CIRCUIT and ROBOCOP, with just a hint of skin crawling music c/o of Die Antwoord go do it, I’ll wait right here.

Are you back? Ok, let’s press on. Yamamoto, has kidnapped the horny Prince seen in the opening in a pool surrounded by babes. He then black mails our cast of characters into fighting back with their own robot in the form of the recently deceased Linda Lam (Chikako), but they gotta book because that bitch won’t stay fresh forever!

This film gets even more zany if you can believe that and apparently, most of the females are already robots and I’m not sure how that makes them surgery experts but they get cracking on the procedure. I love how once she wakes up confused like the “Bride of Frankenstein”, they all coerce her into the new mission by saying, you need to follow these new orders and you’re still under a contract, what the fuck?

Down at a bar called “Joey Bananas”, the new evil Terminator-esque heavy is punching holes through random barflies and bribing hookers. All kinds of Asian “Brooklyn Nine Nine” style wackiness ensues, where one guy named Tony (or Puppy in some versions, played by Kwai Chung), who has one of the best Billy Ray Cyrus style mullets, puts on a costume so he can have sex with Amy Yip. Can you blame him, I mean come on! Another thing about robot-reincarnation that’s odd is that you are really good at consuming alcohol in a drinking contest.

my favorite Smiths song is Handsome Devil.

They pad the ending with a car chase but it never really gets that dull or slows down, it’s a consistently fun time. If you’re a male or a lesbian with the maturity level of a 14-year-old, you’ll dig this one, all others are encouraged to watch a Ken Burns doc or something more your speed.