Texas Football is STILL Better than These 33 Things

October 05, 2015

[caption id="attachment_1236" align="aligncenter" width="474"] Things are bad for the University of Texas, but it could always be worse. Illustration: Steve Hill for Smack Zone.[/caption]
We know what you’re thinking: What college football team sucks more than the Texas Longhorns under second-year coach Charlie Strong?
Wait a minute. WHY WOULD YOU ASK SUCH A QUESTION?
What are you, some kind of agitator? Do you relish negativity? Are you one of those people who enjoys the misery of others?
Damn, that’s cold, dude. And at the start of Red River Rivalry week, too. You ought to be ashamed.
Rather than ask such a negative, nasty, unhelpful question, why not take a positive approach? Why not think of it in terms of how much better University of Texas football is than these 33 things:

A root canal.

Dropping a bowling ball on your big toe.

Taking a sip of coffee that you thought was still warm but turns out to be ice-freaking-cold.

Taking a sip of coffee you didn’t realize was about 8,000 degrees and burning the hell of out your tongue.

Unpassable kidney stones.

Running out of gas on Route 90 between Del Rio, Texas, and Van Horn, Texas.

Watching your carefully planned and choreographed Star Trek routine turn into a national laughing stock when the band loses its shape on the field and it starts to look like a giant Jawhawk performing oral sex instead of battling the Enterprise.
[caption id="attachment_931" align="aligncenter" width="300"] Image: Kansas State University.[/caption]

Ebola.

Toby Flenderson.

Texas football is bad, yes. But it is still better than all of these things. So, take heart, Longhorn fans. It could always be worse.